diff options
Diffstat (limited to 'old')
| -rw-r--r-- | old/4558-h.htm.2021-01-27 | 13193 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/brryl10.txt | 12670 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/brryl10.zip | bin | 0 -> 284553 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/old-2024-12-10/4558-0.txt | 12119 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/old-2024-12-10/4558-0.zip | bin | 0 -> 285883 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/old-2024-12-10/4558-h.zip | bin | 0 -> 298025 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/old-2024-12-10/4558-h/4558-h.htm | 13206 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/old-2024-12-10/4558.txt | 12119 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | old/old-2024-12-10/4558.zip | bin | 0 -> 284870 bytes |
9 files changed, 63307 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/old/4558-h.htm.2021-01-27 b/old/4558-h.htm.2021-01-27 new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8847861 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/4558-h.htm.2021-01-27 @@ -0,0 +1,13193 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <title> + Barry Lyndon, by William Makepeace Thackeray + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Barry Lyndon, by William Makepeace Thackeray + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Barry Lyndon + +Author: William Makepeace Thackeray + +Release Date: December 4, 2009 [EBook #4558] +Last Updated: September 27, 2016 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BARRY LYNDON *** + + + + +Produced by Steve Harris, Charles Franks, David Widger and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + +</pre> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h1> + BARRY LYNDON + </h1> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h2> + By William Makepeace Thackeray + </h2> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h3> + From The Works Of William Makepeace Thackeray + </h3> + <h4> + Edited By Walter Jerrold + </h4> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <blockquote> + <p class="toc"> + <big><b>CONTENTS</b></big> + </p> + <p> + <br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> A BIBLIOGRAPHICAL NOTE </a><br /><br /> <a + href="#link2H_4_0003"> <b>THE MEMOIRES OF BARRY LYNDON, ESQ.</b> </a><br /><br /> + <a href="#link2HCH0001"> CHAPTER I. </a> MY PEDIGREE AND + FAMILY—UNDERGO THE INFLUENCE OF THE TENDER <br /><br /> <a + href="#link2HCH0002"> CHAPTER II. </a> I SHOW MYSELF TO BE A + MAN OF SPIRIT <br /><br /> <a href="#link2HCH0003"> CHAPTER III. </a> A + FALSE START IN THE GENTEEL WORLD <br /><br /> <a href="#link2HCH0004"> + CHAPTER IV. </a> IN WHICH BARRY TAKES A NEAR VIEW OF MILITARY + GLORY <br /><br /> <a href="#link2HCH0005"> CHAPTER V. </a> BARRY + FAR FROM MILITARY GLORY <br /><br /> <a href="#link2HCH0006"> CHAPTER VI. + </a> THE CRIMP WAGGON—MILITARY EPISODES <br /><br /> <a + href="#link2HCH0007"> CHAPTER VII. </a> BARRY LEADS A + GARRISON LIFE, AND FINDS MANY FRIENDS THERE <br /><br /> <a + href="#link2HCH0008"> CHAPTER VIII. </a> BARRY’S ADIEU TO + MILITARY PROFESSION <br /><br /> <a href="#link2HCH0009"> CHAPTER IX. </a> I + APPEAR IN A MANNER BECOMING MY NAME AND LINEAGE <br /><br /> <a + href="#link2HCH0010"> CHAPTER X. </a> MORE RUNS OF LUCK <br /><br /> + <a href="#link2HCH0011"> CHAPTER XI. </a> IN WHICH THE LUCK + GOES AGAINST BARRY <br /><br /> <a href="#link2HCH0012"> CHAPTER XII. </a> TRAGICAL + HISTORY OF PRINCESS OF X—— <br /><br /> <a href="#link2HCH0013"> + CHAPTER XIII. </a> I CONTINUE MY CAREER AS A MAN OF FASHION + <br /><br /> <a href="#link2HCH0014"> CHAPTER XIV. </a> I + RETURN TO IRELAND, AND EXHIBIT MY SPLENDOUR AND <br /><br /> <a + href="#link2HCH0015"> CHAPTER XV. </a> I PAY COURT TO MY LADY + LYNDON <br /><br /> <a href="#link2HCH0016"> CHAPTER XVI. </a> I + PROVIDE NOBLY FOR MY FAMILY <br /><br /> <a href="#link2HCH0017"> CHAPTER + XVII. </a> I APPEAR AS AN ORNAMENT OF ENGLISH SOCIETY <br /><br /> + <a href="#link2HCH0018"> CHAPTER XVIII. </a> MY + GOOD FORTUNE BEGINS TO WAVER <br /><br /> <a href="#link2HCH0019"> CHAPTER + XIX. </a> CONCLUSION <br /><br /> + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + BARRY LYNDON + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A BIBLIOGRAPHICAL NOTE + </h2> + <p> + Barry Lyndon—far from the best known, but by some critics acclaimed + as the finest, of Thackeray’s works—appeared originally as a serial + a few years before VANITY FAIR was written; yet it was not published in + book form, and then not by itself, until after the publication of VANITY + FAIR, PENDENNIS, ESMOND and THE NEWCOMES had placed its author in the + forefront of the literary men of the day. So many years after the event we + cannot help wondering why the story was not earlier put in book form; for + in its delineation of the character of an adventurer it is as great as + VANITY FAIR, while for the local colour of history, if I may put it so, it + is no undistinguished precursor of ESMOND. + </p> + <p> + In the number of FRASER’S MAGAZINE for January 1844 appeared the first + instalment of ‘THE LUCK OF BARRY LYNDON, ESQ., A ROMANCE OF THE LAST + CENTURY, by FitzBoodle,’ and the story continued to appear month by month—with + the exception of October—up to the end of the year, when the + concluding portion was signed ‘G. S. FitzBoodle.’ FITZBOODLE’S + CONFESSIONS, it should be added, had appeared occasionally in the magazine + during the years immediately precedent, so that the pseudonym was familiar + to FRASER’S readers. The story was written, according to its author’s own + words, ‘with a great deal of dulness, unwillingness and labour,’ and was + evidently done as the instalments were required, for in August he wrote + ‘read for “B. L.” all the morning at the club,’ and four days later of + ‘“B. L.” lying like a nightmare on my mind.’ The journey to the East—which + was to give us in literary results NOTES OF A JOURNEY FROM CORNHILL TO + GRAND CAIRO—was begun with BARRY LYNDON yet unfinished, for at Malta + the author noted on the first three days of November—‘Wrote Barry + but slowly and with great difficulty.’ ‘Wrote Barry with no more success + than yesterday.’ ‘Finished Barry after great throes late at night.’ In the + number of Fraser’s for the following month, as I have said, the conclusion + appeared. A dozen years later, in 1856, the story formed the first part of + the third volume of Thackeray’s MISCELLANIES, when it was called MEMOIRS + OF BARRY LYNDON, ESQ., WRITTEN BY HIMSELF. Since then, it has nearly + always been issued with other matter, as though it were not strong enough + to stand alone, or as though the importance of a work was mainly to be + gauged by the number of pages to be crowded into one cover. The scheme of + the present edition fortunately allows fitting honour to be done to the + memoirs of the great adventurer. + </p> + <p> + To come from the story as a whole to the personality of the eponymous + hero. Three widely-differing historical individuals are suggested as + having contributed to the composite portrait. Best known of these was that + very prince among adventurers, G. J. Casanova de Seingalt, a man who in + the latter half of the eighteenth century played the part of adventurer—and + generally that of the successful adventurer—in most of the European + capitals; who within the first five-and-twenty years of his life had been + ‘abbe, secretary to Cardinal Aquaviva, ensign, and violinist, at Rome, + Constantinople, Corfu, and his own birthplace (Venice), where he cured a + senator of apoplexy.’ His autobiography, MEMOIRES ECRIT PAR LUI MEME (in + twelve volumes), has been described as ‘unmatched as a self-revelation of + scoundrelism.’ It has also been suggested, with I think far less colour of + probability, that the original of Barry was the diplomatist and satiric + poet Sir Charles Hanbury Williams, whom Dr Johnson described as ‘our + lively and elegant though too licentious lyrick bard.’ The third original, + and one who, there cannot be the slightest doubt, contributed features to + the great portrait, is a certain Andrew Robinson Stoney, afterwards + Stoney-Bowes. + </p> + <p> + The original of the Countess Lyndon was Mary Eleanor Bowes, Dowager + Countess of Strathmore, and heiress of a very wealthy Durham family. This + lady had many suitors, but in 1777 Stoney, a bankrupt lieutenant on half + pay, who had fought a duel on her behalf, induced her to marry him, and + subsequently hyphenated her name with his own. He became member of + Parliament, and ran such extravagant courses as does Barry Lyndon, treated + his wife with similar barbarity, abducted her when she had escaped from + him, and then, after being divorced, found his way to a debtors’ prison. + There are similarities here which no seeker after originals can overlook. + Mrs Ritchie says that her father had a friend at Paris, ‘a Mr Bowes, who + may have first told him this history of which the details are almost + incredible, as quoted from the papers of the time.’ The name of + Thackeray’s friend is a curious coincidence, unless, as may well have been + the case, he was a connection of the family into which the notorious + adventurer had married. It is not unlikely that Thackeray had seen the + work published in 1810—the year of Stoney-Bowes’s death—in + which the whole unhappy romance was set forth. This was ‘THE LIVES OF + ANDREW ROBINSON BOWES ESQ., and THE COUNTESS OF STRATHMORE. Written from + thirty-three years’ Professional Attendance, from letters and other well + authenticated Documents by Jesse Foot, Surgeon.’ In this book we find + several incidents similar to ones in the story. Bowes cut down all the + timber on his wife’s estate, but ‘the neighbours would not buy it.’ Such + practical jokes as Barry Lyndon played upon his son’s tutor were played by + Bowes on his chaplain. The story of Stoney and his marriage will be found + briefly given in the notice of the Countess’s life in the DICTIONARY OF + NATIONAL BIOGRAPHY. + </p> + <p> + Whence that part of the romantic interlude dealing with the stay in the + Duchy of X——, dealt with in chapter x., etc., was inspired, + Thackeray’s own note\books (as quoted by Mrs Ritchie) conclusively show: + ‘January 4,1844. Read in a silly book called L’EMPIRE, a good story about + the first K. of Wurtemberg’s wife; killed by her husband for adultery. + Frederic William, born in 1734 (?), m. in 1780 the Princess Caroline of + Brunswick Wolfenbuttel, who died the 27th September 1788. For the rest of + the story see L’EMPIRE, OU DIX ANS SOUS NAPOLEON, PAR UN CHAMBELLAN: + Paris, Allardin, 1836; vol. i. 220.’ The ‘Captain Freny’ to whom Barry + owed his adventures on his journey to Dublin (chapter iii.) was a + notorious highwayman, on whose doings Thackeray had enlarged in the + fifteenth chapter of his IRISH SKETCH BOOK. + </p> + <p> + Despite the slowness with which it was written, and the seeming neglect + with which it was permitted to remain unreprinted, BARRY LYNDON was to be + hailed by competent critics as one of Thackeray’s finest performances, + though the author himself seems to have had no strong regard for the + story. His daughter has recorded, ‘My father once said to me when I was a + girl: “You needn’t read BARRY LYNDON, you won’t like it.” Indeed, it is + scarcely a book to LIKE, but one to admire and to wonder at for its + consummate power and mastery.’ Another novelist, Anthony Trollope, has + said of it: ‘In imagination, language, construction, and general literary + capacity, Thackeray never did anything more remarkable than BARRY LYNDON.’ + Mr Leslie Stephen says: ‘All later critics have recognised in this book + one of his most powerful performances. In directness and vigour he never + surpassed it.’ + </p> + <p> + W.J. <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h1> + THE MEMOIRES OF BARRY LYNDON, ESQ. + </h1> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0001" id="link2HCH0001"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER I. MY PEDIGREE AND FAMILY—UNDERGO THE INFLUENCE OF THE + TENDER + </h2> + <p> + PASSION + </p> + <p> + Since the days of Adam, there has been hardly a mischief done in this + world but a woman has been at the bottom of it. Ever since ours was a + family (and that must be very NEAR Adam’s time,—so old, noble, and + illustrious are the Barrys, as everybody knows) women have played a mighty + part with the destinies of our race. + </p> + <p> + I presume that there is no gentleman in Europe that has not heard of the + house of Barry of Barryogue, of the kingdom of Ireland, than which a more + famous name is not to be found in Gwillim or D’Hozier; and though, as a + man of the world, I have learned to despise heartily the claims of some + PRETENDERS to high birth who have no more genealogy than the lacquey who + cleans my boots, and though I laugh to utter scorn the boasting of many of + my countrymen, who are all for descending from kings of Ireland, and talk + of a domain no bigger than would feed a pig as if it were a principality; + yet truth compels me to assert that my family was the noblest of the + island, and, perhaps, of the universal world; while their possessions, now + insignificant and torn from us by war, by treachery, by the loss of time, + by ancestral extravagance, by adhesion to the old faith and monarch, were + formerly prodigious, and embraced many counties, at a time when Ireland + was vastly more prosperous than now. I would assume the Irish crown over + my coat-of-arms, but that there are so many silly pretenders to that + distinction who bear it and render it common. + </p> + <p> + Who knows, but for the fault of a woman, I might have been wearing it now? + You start with incredulity. I say, why not? Had there been a gallant chief + to lead my countrymen, instead or puling knaves who bent the knee to King + Richard II., they might have been freemen; had there been a resolute + leader to meet the murderous ruffian Oliver Cromwell, we should have + shaken off the English for ever. But there was no Barry in the field + against the usurper; on the contrary, my ancestor, Simon de Bary, came + over with the first-named monarch, and married the daughter of the then + King of Munster, whose sons in battle he pitilessly slew. + </p> + <p> + In Oliver’s time it was too late for a chief of the name of Barry to lift + up his war-cry against that of the murderous brewer. We were princes of + the land no longer; our unhappy race had lost its possessions a century + previously, and by the most shameful treason. This I know to be the fact, + for my mother has often told me the story, and besides had worked it in a + worsted pedigree which hung up in the yellow saloon at Barryville where we + lived. + </p> + <p> + That very estate which the Lyndons now possess in Ireland was once the + property of my race. Rory Barry of Barryogue owned it in Elizabeth’s time, + and half Munster beside. The Barry was always in feud with the O’Mahonys + in those times; and, as it happened, a certain English colonel passed + through the former’s country with a body of men-at-arms, on the very day + when the O’Mahonys had made an inroad upon our territories, and carried + off a frightful plunder of our flocks and herds. + </p> + <p> + This young Englishman, whose name was Roger Lyndon, Linden, or Lyndaine, + having been most hospitably received by the Barry, and finding him just on + the point of carrying an inroad into the O’Mahonys’ land, offered the aid + of himself and his lances, and behaved himself so well, as it appeared, + that the O’Mahonys were entirely overcome, all the Barrys’ property + restored, and with it, says the old chronicle, twice as much of the + O’Mahonys’ goods and cattle. + </p> + <p> + It was the setting in of the winter season, and the young soldier was + pressed by the Barry not to quit his house of Barryogue, and remained + there during several months, his men being quartered with Barry’s own + gallowglasses, man by man in the cottages round about. They conducted + themselves, as is their wont, with the most intolerable insolence towards + the Irish; so much so, that fights and murders continually ensued, and the + people vowed to destroy them. + </p> + <p> + The Barry’s son (from whom I descend) was as hostile to the English as any + other man on his domain; and, as they would not go when bidden, he and his + friends consulted together and determined on destroying these English to a + man. + </p> + <p> + But they had let a woman into their plot, and this was the Barry’s + daughter. She was in love with the English Lyndon, and broke the whole + secret to him; and the dastardly English prevented the just massacre of + themselves by falling on the Irish, and destroying Phaudrig Barry, my + ancestor, and many hundreds of his men. The cross at Barrycross near + Carrignadihioul is the spot where the odious butchery took place. + </p> + <p> + Lyndon married the daughter of Roderick Barry, and claimed the estate + which he left: and though the descendants of Phaudrig were alive, as + indeed they are in my person,[Footnote: As we have never been able to find + proofs of the marriage of my ancestor Phaudrig with his wife, I make no + doubt that Lyndon destroyed the contract, and murdered the priest and + witnesses of the marriage.—B. L.] on appealing to the English + courts, the estate was awarded to the Englishman, as has ever been the + case where English and Irish were concerned. + </p> + <p> + Thus, had it not been for the weakness of a woman, I should have been born + to the possession of those very estates which afterwards came to me by + merit, as you shall hear. But to proceed with my family, history. + </p> + <p> + My father was well known to the best circles in this kingdom, as in that + of Ireland, under the name of Roaring Harry Barry. He was bred like many + other young sons of genteel families to the profession of the law, being + articled to a celebrated attorney of Sackville Street in the city of + Dublin; and, from his great genius and aptitude for learning, there is no + doubt he would have made an eminent figure in his profession, had not his + social qualities, love of field-sports, and extraordinary graces of + manner, marked him out for a higher sphere. While he was attorney’s clerk + he kept seven race-horses, and hunted regularly both with the Kildare and + Wicklow hunts; and rode on his grey horse Endymion that famous match + against Captain Punter, which is still remembered by lovers of the sport, + and of which I caused a splendid picture to be made and hung over my + dining-hall mantelpiece at Castle Lyndon. A year afterwards he had the + honour of riding that very horse Endymion before his late Majesty King + George II. at New-market, and won the plate there and the attention of the + august sovereign. + </p> + <p> + Although he was only the second son of our family, my dear father came + naturally into the estate (now miserably reduced to L400 a year); for my + grandfather’s eldest son Cornelius Barry (called the Chevalier Borgne, + from a wound which he received in Germany) remained constant to the old + religion in which our family was educated, and not only served abroad with + credit, but against His Most Sacred Majesty George II. in the unhappy + Scotch disturbances in ‘45. We shall hear more of the Chevalier hereafter. + </p> + <p> + For the conversion of my father I have to thank my dear mother, Miss Bell + Brady, daughter of Ulysses Brady of Castle Brady, county Kerry, Esquire + and J.P. She was the most beautiful woman of her day in Dublin, and + universally called the Dasher there. Seeing her at the assembly, my father + became passionately attached to her; but her soul was above marrying a + Papist or an attorney’s clerk; and so, for the love of her, the good old + laws being then in force, my dear father slipped into my uncle Cornelius’s + shoes and took the family estate. Besides the force of my mother’s bright + eyes, several persons, and of the genteelest society too, contributed to + this happy change; and I have often heard my mother laughingly tell the + story of my father’s recantation, which was solemnly pronounced at the + tavern in the company of Sir Dick Ringwood, Lord Bagwig, Captain Punter, + and two or three other young sparks of the town. Roaring Harry won 300 + pieces that very night at faro, and laid the necessary information the + next morning against his brother; but his conversion caused a coolness + between him and my uncle Corney, who joined the rebels in consequence. + </p> + <p> + This great difficulty being settled, my Lord Bagwig lent my father his own + yacht, then lying at the Pigeon House, and the handsome Bell Brady was + induced to run away with him to England, although her parents were against + the match, and her lovers (as I have heard her tell many thousands of + times) were among the most numerous and the most wealthy in all the + kingdom of Ireland. They were married at the Savoy, and my grandfather + dying very soon, Harry Barry, Esquire, took possession of his paternal + property and supported our illustrious name with credit in London. He + pinked the famous Count Tiercelin behind Montague House, he was a member + of ‘White’s,’ and a frequenter of all the chocolate-houses; and my mother, + likewise, made no small figure. At length, after his great day of triumph + before His Sacred Majesty at Newmarket, Harry’s fortune was just on the + point of being made, for the gracious monarch promised to provide for him. + But alas! he was taken in charge by another monarch, whose will have no + delay or denial,—by Death, namely, who seized upon my father at + Chester races, leaving me a helpless orphan. Peace be to his ashes! He was + not faultless, and dissipated all our princely family property; but he was + as brave a fellow as ever tossed a bumper or called a main, and he drove + his coach-and-six like a man of fashion. + </p> + <p> + I do not know whether His gracious Majesty was much affected by this + sudden demise of my father, though my mother says he shed some royal tears + on the occasion. But they helped us to nothing: and all that was found in + the house for the wife and creditors was a purse of ninety guineas, which + my dear mother naturally took, with the family plate, and my father’s + wardrobe and her own; and putting them into our great coach, drove off to + Holyhead, whence she took shipping for Ireland. My father’s body + accompanied us in the finest hearse and plumes money could buy; for though + the husband and wife had quarrelled repeatedly in life, yet at my father’s + death his high-spirited widow forgot all her differences, gave him the + grandest funeral that had been seen for many a day, and erected a monument + over his remains (for which I subsequently paid), which declared him to be + the wisest, purest, and most affectionate of men. + </p> + <p> + In performing these sad duties over her deceased lord, the widow spent + almost every guinea she had, and, indeed, would have spent a great deal + more, had she discharged one-third of the demands which the ceremonies + occasioned. But the people around our old house of Barryogue, although + they did not like my father for his change of faith, yet stood by him at + this moment, and were for exterminating the mutes sent by Mr. Plumer of + London with the lamented remains. The monument and vault in the church + were then, alas! all that remained of my vast possessions; for my father + had sold every stick of the property to one Notley, an attorney, and we + received but a cold welcome in his house—a miserable old tumble-down + place it was. [Footnote: In another part of his memoir Mr. Barry will be + found to describe this mansion as one of the most splendid palaces in + Europe; but this is a practice not unusual with his nation; and with + respect to the Irish principality claimed by him, it is known that Mr. + Barry’s grandfather was an attorney and maker of his own fortune.] + </p> + <p> + The splendour of the funeral did not fail to increase the widow Barry’s + reputation as a woman of spirit and fashion; and when she wrote to her + brother Michael Brady, that worthy gentleman immediately rode across the + country to fling himself in her arms, and to invite her in his wife’s name + to Castle Brady. + </p> + <p> + Mick and Barry had quarrelled, as all men will, and very high words had + passed between them during Barry’s courtship of Miss Bell. When he took + her off, Brady swore he would never forgive Barry or Bell; but coming to + London in the year ‘46, he fell in once more with Roaring Harry, and lived + in his fine house in Clarges Street, and lost a few pieces to him at play, + and broke a watchman’s head or two in his company,—all of which + reminiscences endeared Bell and her son very much to the good-hearted + gentleman, and he received us both with open arms. Mrs. Barry did not, + perhaps wisely, at first make known to her friends what was her condition; + but arriving in a huge gilt coach with enormous armorial bearings, was + taken by her sister-in-law and the rest of the county for a person of + considerable property and distinction. For a time, then, and as was right + and proper, Mrs. Barry gave the law at Castle Brady. She ordered the + servants to and fro, and taught them, what indeed they much wanted, a + little London neatness; and ‘English Redmond,’ as I was called, was + treated like a little lord, and had a maid and a footman to himself; and + honest Mick paid their wages,—which was much more than he was used + to do for his own domestics,—doing all in his power to make his + sister decently comfortable under her afflictions. Mamma, in return, + determined that, when her affairs were arranged, she would make her kind + brother a handsome allowance for her son’s maintenance and her own; and + promised to have her handsome furniture brought over from Clarges Street + to adorn the somewhat dilapidated rooms of Castle Brady. + </p> + <p> + But it turned out that the rascally landlord seized upon every chair and + table that ought by rights to have belonged to the widow. The estate to + which I was heir was in the hands of rapacious creditors; and the only + means of subsistence remaining to the widow and child was a rent-charge of + L50 upon my Lord Bagwig’s property, who had many turf-dealings with the + deceased. And so my dear mother’s liberal intentions towards her brother + were of course never fulfilled. + </p> + <p> + It must be confessed, very much to the discredit of Mrs. Brady of Castle + Brady, that when her sister-in-law’s poverty was thus made manifest, she + forgot all the respect which she had been accustomed to pay her, instantly + turned my maid and man-servant out of doors, and told Mrs. Barry that she + might follow them as soon as she chose. Mrs. Mick was of a low family, and + a sordid way of thinking; and after about a couple of years (during which + she had saved almost all her little income) the widow complied with Madam + Brady’s desire. At the same time, giving way to a just though prudently + dissimulated resentment, she made a vow that she would never enter the + gates of Castle Brady while the lady of the house remained alive within + them. + </p> + <p> + She fitted up her new abode with much economy and considerable taste, and + never, for all her poverty, abated a jot of the dignity which was her due + and which all the neighbourhood awarded to her. How, indeed, could they + refuse respect to a lady who had lived in London, frequented the most + fashionable society there, and had been presented (as she solemnly + declared) at Court? These advantages gave her a right which seems to be + pretty unsparingly exercised in Ireland by those natives who have it,—the + right of looking down with scorn upon all persons who have not had the + opportunity of quitting the mother-country and inhabiting England for a + while. Thus, whenever Madam Brady appeared abroad in a new dress, her + sister-in-law would say, ‘Poor creature! how can it be expected that she + should know anything of the fashion?’ And though pleased to be called the + handsome widow, as she was, Mrs. Barry was still better pleased to be + called the English widow. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Brady, for her part, was not slow to reply: she used to say that the + defunct Barry was a bankrupt and a beggar; and as for the fashionable + society which he saw, he saw it from my Lord Bagwig’s side-table, whose + flatterer and hanger-on he was known to be. Regarding Mrs. Barry, the lady + of Castle Brady would make insinuations still more painful. However, why + should we allude to these charges, or rake up private scandal of a hundred + years old? It was in the reign of George II that the above-named + personages lived and quarrelled; good or bad, handsome or ugly, rich or + poor, they are all equal now; and do not the Sunday papers and the courts + of law supply us every week with more novel and interesting slander? + </p> + <p> + At any rate, it must be allowed that Mrs. Barry, after her husband’s death + and her retirement, lived in such a way as to defy slander. For whereas + Bell Brady had been the gayest girl in the whole county of Wexford, with + half the bachelors at her feet, and plenty of smiles and encouragement for + every one of them, Bell Barry adopted a dignified reserve that almost + amounted to pomposity, and was as starch as any Quakeress. Many a man + renewed his offers to the widow, who had been smitten by the charms of the + spinster; but Mrs. Barry refused all offers of marriage, declaring that + she lived now for her son only, and for the memory of her departed saint. + </p> + <p> + ‘Saint forsooth!’ said ill-natured Mrs. Brady. + </p> + <p> + ‘Harry Barry was as big a sinner as ever was known; and ‘tis notorious + that he and Bell hated each other. If she won’t marry now, depend on it, + the artful woman has a husband in her eye for all that, and only waits + until Lord Bagwig is a widower.’ + </p> + <p> + And suppose she did, what then? Was not the widow of a Barry fit to marry + with any lord of England? and was it not always said that a woman was to + restore the fortunes of the Barry family? If my mother fancied that SHE + was to be that woman, I think it was a perfectly justifiable notion on her + part; for the Earl (my godfather) was always most attentive to her: I + never knew how deeply this notion of advancing my interests in the world + had taken possession of mamma’s mind, until his Lordship’s marriage in the + year ‘57 with Miss Goldmore, the Indian nabob’s rich daughter. + </p> + <p> + Meanwhile we continued to reside at Barryville, and, considering the + smallness of our income, kept up a wonderful state. Of the half-dozen + families that formed the congregation at Brady’s Town, there was not a + single person whose appearance was so respectable as that of the widow, + who, though she always dressed in mourning, in memory of her deceased + husband, took care that her garments should be made so as to set off her + handsome person to the greatest advantage; and, indeed, I think, spent six + hours out of every day in the week in cutting, trimming, and altering them + to the fashion. She had the largest of hoops and the handsomest of + furbelows, and once a month (under my Lord Bagwig’s cover) would come a + letter from London containing the newest accounts of the fashions there. + Her complexion was so brilliant that she had no call to use rouge, as was + the mode in those days. No, she left red and white, she said (and hence + the reader may imagine how the two ladies hated each other) to Madam + Brady, whose yellow complexion no plaster could alter. In a word, she was + so accomplished a beauty, that all the women in the country took pattern + by her, and the young fellows from ten miles round would ride over to + Castle Brady church to have the sight of her. + </p> + <p> + But if (like every other woman that ever I saw or read of) she was proud + of her beauty, to do her justice she was still more proud of her son, and + has said a thousand times to me that I was the handsomest young fellow in + the world. This is a matter of taste. A man of sixty may, however, say + what he was at fourteen without much vanity, and I must say I think there + was some cause for my mother’s opinion. The good soul’s pleasure was to + dress me; and on Sundays and holidays I turned out in a velvet coat with a + silver-hilted sword by my side and a gold garter at my knee, as fine as + any lord in the land. My mother worked me several most splendid + waistcoats, and I had plenty of lace for my ruffles, and a fresh riband to + my hair, and as we walked to church on Sundays, even envious Mrs. Brady + was found to allow that there was not a prettier pair in the kingdom. + </p> + <p> + Of course, too, the lady of Castle Brady used to sneer, because on these + occasions a certain Tim, who used to be called my valet, followed me and + my mother to church, carrying a huge prayer-book and a cane, and dressed + in the livery of one of our own fine footmen from Clarges Street, which, + as Tim was a bandy-shanked little fellow, did not exactly become him. But, + though poor, we were gentlefolks, and not to be sneered out of these + becoming appendages to our rank; and so would march up the aisle to our + pew with as much state and gravity as the Lord Lieutenant’s lady and son + might do. When there, my mother would give the responses and amens in a + loud dignified voice that was delightful to hear, and, besides, had a fine + loud voice for singing, which art she had perfected in London under a + fashionable teacher; and she would exercise her talent in such a way that + you would hardly hear any other voice of the little congregation which + chose to join in the psalm. In fact, my mother had great gifts in every + way, and believed herself to be one of the most beautiful, accomplished, + and meritorious persons in the world. Often and often has she talked to me + and the neighbours regarding her own humility and piety, pointing them out + in such a way that I would defy the most obstinate to disbelieve her. + </p> + <p> + When we left Castle Brady we came to occupy a house in Brady’s town, which + mamma christened Barryville. I confess it was but a small place, but, + indeed, we made the most of it. I have mentioned the family pedigree which + hung up in the drawingroom, which mamma called the yellow saloon, and my + bedroom was called the pink bedroom, and hers the orange tawny apartment + (how well I remember them all!); and at dinner-time Tim regularly rang a + great bell, and we each had a silver tankard to drink from, and mother + boasted with justice that I had as good a bottle of claret by my side as + any squire of the land. So indeed I had, but I was not, of course, allowed + at my tender years to drink any of the wine; which thus attained a + considerable age, even in the decanter. + </p> + <p> + Uncle Brady (in spite of the family quarrel) found out the above fact one + day by calling at Barryville at dinner-time, and unluckily tasting the + liquor. You should have seen how he sputtered and made faces! But the + honest gentleman was not particular about his wine, or the company in + which he drank it. He would get drunk, indeed, with the parson or the + priest indifferently; with the latter, much to my mother’s indignation, + for, as a true blue Nassauite, she heartily despised all those of the old + faith, and would scarcely sit down in the room with a benighted Papist. + But the squire had no such scruples; he was, indeed, one of the easiest, + idlest, and best-natured fellows that ever lived, and many an hour would + he pass with the lonely widow when he was tired of Madam Brady at home. He + liked me, he said, as much as one of his own sons, and at length, after + the widow had held out for a couple of years, she agreed to allow me to + return to the castle; though, for herself, she resolutely kept the oath + which she had made with regard to her sister-in-law. + </p> + <p> + The very first day I returned to Castle Brady my trials may be said, in a + manner, to have begun. My cousin, Master Mick, a huge monster of nineteen + (who hated me, and I promise you I returned the compliment), insulted me + at dinner about my mother’s poverty, and made all the girls of the family + titter. So when we went to the stables, whither Mick always went for his + pipe of tobacco after dinner, I told him a piece of my mind, and there was + a fight for at least ten minutes, during which I stood to him like a man, + and blacked his left eye, though I was myself only twelve years old at the + time. Of course he beat me, but a beating makes only a small impression on + a lad of that tender age, as I had proved many times in battles with the + ragged Brady’s Town boys before, not one of whom, at my time of life, was + my match. My uncle was very much pleased when he heard of my gallantry; my + cousin Nora brought brown paper and vinegar for my nose, and I went home + that night with a pint of claret under my girdle, not a little proud, let + me tell you, at having held my own against Mick so long. + </p> + <p> + And though he persisted in his bad treatment of me, and used to cane me + whenever I fell in his way, yet I was very happy now at Castle Brady with + the company there, and my cousins, or some of them, and the kindness of my + uncle, with whom I became a prodigious favourite. He bought a colt for me, + and taught me to ride. He took me out coursing and fowling, and instructed + me to shoot flying. And at length I was released from Mick’s persecution, + for his brother, Master Ulick, returning from Trinity College, and hating + his elder brother, as is mostly the way in families of fashion, took me + under his protection; and from that time, as Ulick was a deal bigger and + stronger than Mick, I, English Redmond, as I was called, was left alone; + except when the former thought fit to thrash me, which he did whenever he + thought proper. + </p> + <p> + Nor was my learning neglected in the ornamental parts, for I had an + uncommon natural genius for many things, and soon topped in + accomplishments most of the persons around me. I had a quick ear and a + fine voice, which my mother cultivated to the best of her power, and she + taught me to step a minuet gravely and gracefully, and thus laid the + foundation of my future success in life. The common dances I learned (as, + perhaps, I ought not to confess) in the servants’ hall, which, you may be + sure, was never without a piper, and where I was considered unrivalled + both at a hornpipe and a jig. + </p> + <p> + In the matter of book-learning, I had always an uncommon taste for reading + plays and novels, as the best part of a gentleman’s polite education, and + never let a pedlar pass the village, if I had a penny, without having a + ballad or two from him. As for your dull grammar, and Greek and Latin and + stuff, I have always hated them from my youth upwards, and said, very + unmistakably, I would have none of them. + </p> + <p> + This I proved pretty clearly at the age of thirteen, when my aunt Biddy + Brady’s legacy of L100 came in to mamma, who thought to employ the sum on + my education, and sent me to Doctor Tobias Tickler’s famous academy at + Ballywhacket—Backwhacket, as my uncle used to call it. But six weeks + after I had been consigned to his reverence, I suddenly made my appearance + again at Castle Brady, having walked forty miles from the odious place, + and left the Doctor in a state near upon apoplexy. The fact was, that at + taw, prison-bars, or boxing, I was at the head of the school, but could + not be brought to excel in the classics; and after having been flogged + seven times, without its doing me the least good in my Latin, I refused to + submit altogether (finding it useless) to an eighth application of the + rod. ‘Try some other way, sir,’ said I, when he was for horsing me once + more; but he wouldn’t; whereon, and to defend myself, I flung a slate at + him, and knocked down a Scotch usher with a leaden inkstand. All the lads + huzza’d at this, and some or the servants wanted to stop me; but taking + out a large clasp-knife that my cousin Nora had given me, I swore I would + plunge it into the waistcoat of the first man who dared to balk me, and + faith they let me pass on. I slept that night twenty miles off + Ballywhacket, at the house of a cottier, who gave me potatoes and milk, + and to whom I gave a hundred guineas after, when I came to visit Ireland + in my days of greatness. I wish I had the money now. But what’s the use of + regret? I have had many a harder bed than that I shall sleep on to-night, + and many a scantier meal than honest Phil Murphy gave me on the evening I + ran away from school. So six weeks’ was all the schooling I ever got. And + I say this to let parents know the value of it; for though I have met more + learned book-worms in the world, especially a great hulking, clumsy, + blear-eyed old doctor, whom they called Johnson, and who lived in a court + off Fleet Street, in London, yet I pretty soon silenced him in an argument + (at ‘Button’s Coffeehouse’); and in that, and in poetry, and what I call + natural philosophy, or the science of life, and in riding, music, leaping, + the small-sword, the knowledge of a horse, or a main of cocks, and the + manners of an accomplished gentleman and a man of fashion, I may say for + myself that Redmond Barry has seldom found his equal. ‘Sir,’ said I to Mr. + Johnson, on the occasion I allude to—he was accompanied by a Mr. + Buswell of Scotland, and I was presented to the club by a Mr. Goldsmith, a + countryman of my own—‘Sir,’ said I, in reply to the schoolmaster’s + great thundering quotation in Greek, ‘you fancy you know a great deal more + than me, because you quote your Aristotle and your Pluto; but can you tell + me which horse will win at Epsom Downs next week?—Can you run six + miles without breathing?—Can you shoot the ace of spades ten times + without missing? If so, talk about Aristotle and Pluto to me.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘D’ye knaw who ye’re speaking to?’ roared out the Scotch gentleman, Mr. + Boswell, at this. + </p> + <p> + ‘Hold your tongue, Mr. Boswell,’ said the old schoolmaster. ‘I had no + right to brag of my Greek to the gentleman, and he has answered me very + well.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Doctor,’ says I, looking waggishly at him, ‘do you know ever a rhyme for + ArisTOTLE?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Port, if you plaise,’ says Mr. Goldsmith, laughing. And we had SIX RHYMES + FOR ARISTOTLE before we left the coffee-house that evening. It became a + regular joke afterwards when I told the story, and at ‘White’s’ or the + ‘Cocoa-tree’ you would hear the wags say, ‘Waiter, bring me one of Captain + Barry’s rhymes for Aristotle.’ Once, when I was in liquor at the latter + place, young Dick Sheridan called me a great Staggerite, a joke which I + could never understand. But I am wandering from my story, and must get + back to home, and dear old Ireland again. + </p> + <p> + I have made acquaintance with the best in the land since, and my manners + are such, I have said, as to make me the equal of them all; and, perhaps, + you will wonder how a country boy, as I was, educated amongst Irish + squires, and their dependants of the stable and farm, should arrive at + possessing such elegant manners as I was indisputably allowed to have. I + had, the fact is, a very valuable instructor in the person of an old + gamekeeper, who had served the French king at Fontenoy, and who taught me + the dances and customs, and a smattering of the language of that country, + with the use of the sword, both small and broad. Many and many a long mile + I have trudged by his side as a lad, he telling me wonderful stories of + the French king, and the Irish brigade, and Marshal Saxe, and the + opera-dancers; he knew my uncle, too, the Chevalier Borgne, and indeed had + a thousand accomplishments which he taught me in secret. I never knew a + man like him for making or throwing a fly, for physicking a horse, or + breaking, or choosing one; he taught me manly sports, from birds’-nesting + upwards, and I always shall consider Phil Purcell as the very best tutor I + could have had. His fault was drink, but for that I have always had a + blind eye; and he hated my cousin Mick like poison; but I could excuse him + that too. + </p> + <p> + With Phil, and at the age of fifteen, I was a more accomplished man than + either of my cousins; and I think Nature had been also more bountiful to + me in the matter of person. Some of the Castle Brady girls (as you shall + hear presently) adored me. At fairs and races many of the prettiest lasses + present said they would like to have me for their bachelor; and yet + somehow, it must be confessed, I was not popular. + </p> + <p> + In the first place, every one knew I was bitter poor; and I think, + perhaps, it was my good mother’s fault that I was bitter proud too. I had + a habit of boasting in company of my birth, and the splendour of my + carriages, gardens, cellars, and domestics, and this before people who + were perfectly aware of my real circumstances. If it was boys, and they + ventured to sneer, I would beat them, or die for it; and many’s the time + I’ve been brought home well-nigh killed by one or more of them, on what, + when my mother asked me, I would say was ‘a family quarrel.’ ‘Support your + name with your blood, Reddy my boy,’ would that saint say, with the tears + in her eyes; and so would she herself have done with her voice, ay, and + her teeth and nails. + </p> + <p> + Thus, at fifteen, there was scarce a lad of twenty, for half-a-dozen miles + round, that I had not beat for one cause or other. There were the vicar’s + two sons of Castle Brady—in course I could not associate with such + beggarly brats as them, and many a battle did we have as to who should + take the wall in Brady’s Town; there was Pat Lurgan, the blacksmith’s son, + who had the better of me four times before we came to the crowning fight, + when I overcame him; and I could mention a score more of my deeds of + prowess in that way, but that fisticuff facts are dull subjects to talk + of, and to discuss before high-bred gentlemen and ladies. + </p> + <p> + However, there is another subject, ladies, on which I must discourse, and + THAT is never out of place. Day and night you like to hear of it: young + and old, you dream and think of it. Handsome and ugly (and, faith, before + fifty, I never saw such a thing as a plain woman), it’s the subject next + to the hearts of all of you; and I think you guess my riddle without more + trouble. LOVE! sure the word is formed on purpose out of the prettiest + soft vowels and consonants in the language, and he or she who does not + care to read about it is not worth a fig, to my thinking. + </p> + <p> + My uncle’s family consisted of ten children; who, as is the custom in such + large families, were divided into two camps, or parties; the one siding + with their mamma, the other taking the part of my uncle in all the + numerous quarrels which arose between that gentleman and his lady. Mrs. + Brady’s faction was headed by Mick, the eldest son, who hated me so, and + disliked his father for keeping him out of his property: while Ulick, the + second brother, was his father’s own boy; and, in revenge, Master Mick was + desperately afraid of him. I need not mention the girls’ names; I had + plague enough with them in after-life, Heaven knows; and one of them was + the cause of all my early troubles: this was (though to be sure all her + sisters denied it) the belle of the family, Miss Honoria Brady by name. + </p> + <p> + She said she was only nineteen at the time; but I could read the fly-leaf + in the family Bible as well as another (it was one of the three books + which, with the backgammon-board, formed my uncle’s library), and know + that she was born in the year ‘37, and christened by Doctor Swift, Dean of + St. Patrick’s, Dublin: hence she was three-and-twenty years old at the + time she and I were so much together. + </p> + <p> + When I come to think about her now, I know she never could have been + handsome; for her figure was rather of the fattest, and her mouth of the + widest; she was freckled over like a partridge’s egg, and her hair was the + colour of a certain vegetable which we eat with boiled beef, to use the + mildest term. Often and often would my dear mother make these remarks + concerning her; but I did not believe them then, and somehow had gotten to + think Honoria an angelical being, far above all the other angels of her + sex. + </p> + <p> + And as we know very well that a lady who is skilled in dancing or singing + never can perfect herself without a deal of study in private, and that the + song or the minuet which is performed with so much graceful ease in the + assembly-room has not been acquired without vast labour and perseverance + in private; so it is with the dear creatures who are skilled in + coquetting. Honoria, for instance, was always practising, and she would + take poor me to rehearse her accomplishment upon; or the exciseman, when + he came his rounds, or the steward, or the poor curate, or the young + apothecary’s lad from Brady’s Town: whom I recollect beating once for that + very reason. If he is alive now I make him my apologies. Poor fellow! as + if it was HIS fault that he should be a victim to the wiles of one of the + greatest coquettes (considering her obscure life and rustic breeding) in + the world. + </p> + <p> + If the truth must be told—and every word of this narrative of my + life is of the most sacred veracity—my passion for Nora began in a + very vulgar and unromantic way. I did not save her life; on the contrary, + I once very nearly killed her, as you shall hear. I did not behold her by + moonlight playing on the guitar, or rescue her from the hands of ruffians, + as Alfonso does Lindamira in the novel; but one day, after dinner at + Brady’s Town, in summer, going into the garden to pull gooseberries for my + dessert, and thinking only of gooseberries, I pledge my honour, I came + upon Miss Nora and one of her sisters, with whom she was friends at the + time, who were both engaged in the very same amusement. + </p> + <p> + ‘What’s the Latin for gooseberry, Redmond?’ says she. She was always + ‘poking her fun,’ as the Irish phrase it. + </p> + <p> + ‘I know the Latin for goose,’ says I. + </p> + <p> + ‘And what’s that?’ cries Miss Mysie, as pert as a peacock. + </p> + <p> + ‘Bo to you!’ says I (for I had never a want of wit); and so we fell to + work at the gooseberry-bush, laughing and talking as happy as might be. In + the course of our diversion Nora managed to scratch her arm, and it bled, + and she screamed, and it was mighty round and white, and I tied it up, and + I believe was permitted to kiss her hand; and though it was as big and + clumsy a hand as ever you saw, yet I thought the favour the most ravishing + one that was ever conferred upon me, and went home in a rapture. + </p> + <p> + I was much too simple a fellow to disguise any sentiment I chanced to feel + in those days; and not one of the eight Castle Brady girls but was soon + aware of my passion, and joked and complimented Nora about her bachelor. + </p> + <p> + The torments of jealousy the cruel coquette made me endure were horrible. + Sometimes she would treat me as a child, sometimes as a man. She would + always leave me if ever there came a stranger to the house. + </p> + <p> + ‘For after all, Redmond,’ she would say, ‘you are but fifteen, and you + haven’t a guinea in the world.’ At which I would swear that I would become + the greatest hero ever known out of Ireland, and vow that before I was + twenty I would have money enough to purchase an estate six times as big as + Castle Brady. All which vain promises, of course, I did not keep; but I + make no doubt they influenced me in my very early life, and caused me to + do those great actions for which I have been celebrated, and which shall + be narrated presently in order. + </p> + <p> + I must tell one of them, just that my dear young lady readers may know + what sort of a fellow Redmond Barry was, and what a courage and undaunted + passion he had. I question whether any of the jenny-jessamines of the + present day would do half as much in the face of danger. + </p> + <p> + About this time, it must be premised, the United Kingdom was in a state of + great excitement from the threat generally credited of a French invasion. + The Pretender was said to be in high favour at Versailles, a descent upon + Ireland was especially looked to, and the noblemen and people of condition + in that and all other parts of the kingdom showed their loyalty by raising + regiments of horse and foot to resist the invaders. Brady’s Town sent a + company to join the Kilwangan regiment, of which Master Mick was the + captain; and we had a letter from Master Ulick at Trinity College, stating + that the University had also formed a regiment, in which he had the honour + to be a corporal. How I envied them both! especially that odious Mick as I + saw him in his laced scarlet coat, with a ribbon in his hat, march off at + the head of his men. He, the poor spiritless creature, was a captain, and + I nothing,—I who felt I had as much courage as the Duke of + Cumberland himself, and felt, too, that a red jacket would mightily become + me! My mother said I was too young to join the new regiment; but the fact + was, that it was she herself who was too poor, for the cost of a new + uniform would have swallowed up half her year’s income, and she would only + have her boy appear in a way suitable to his birth, riding the finest of + racers, dressed in the best of clothes, and keeping the genteelest of + company. + </p> + <p> + Well, then, the whole country was alive with war’s alarums, the three + kingdoms ringing with military music, and every man of merit paying his + devoirs at the court of Bellona, whilst poor I was obliged to stay at home + in my fustian jacket and sigh for fame in secret. Mr. Mick came to and fro + from the regiment, and brought numerous of his comrades with him. Their + costume and swaggering airs filled me with grief, and Miss Nora’s + unvarying attentions to them served to make me half wild. No one, however, + thought of attributing this sadness to the young lady’s score, but rather + to my disappointment at not being allowed to join the military profession. + </p> + <p> + Once the officers of the Fencibles gave a grand ball at Kilwangan, to + which, as a matter of course, all the ladies of Castle Brady (and a pretty + ugly coachful they were) were invited. I knew to what tortures the odious + little flirt of a Nora would put me with her eternal coquetries with the + officers, and refused for a long time to be one of the party to the ball. + But she had a way of conquering me, against which all resistance of mine + was in vain. She vowed that riding in a coach always made her ill. ‘And + how can I go to the ball,’ said she, ‘unless you take me on Daisy behind + you on the pillion?’ Daisy was a good blood-mare of my uncle’s, and to + such a proposition I could not for my soul say no; so we rode in safety to + Kilwangan, and I felt myself as proud as any prince when she promised to + dance a country-dance with me. + </p> + <p> + When the dance was ended, the little ungrateful flirt informed me that she + had quite forgotten her engagement; she had actually danced the set with + an Englishman! I have endured torments in my life, but none like that. She + tried to make up for her neglect, but I would not. Some of the prettiest + girls there offered to console me, for I was the best dancer in the room. + I made one attempt, but was too wretched to continue, and so remained + alone all night in a state of agony. I would have played, but I had no + money; only the gold piece that my mother bade me always keep in my purse + as a gentleman should. I did not care for drink, or know the dreadful + comfort of it in those days; but I thought of killing myself and Nora, and + most certainly of making away with Captain Quin! + </p> + <p> + At last, and at morning, the ball was over. The rest of our ladies went + off in the lumbering creaking old coach; Daisy was brought out, and Miss + Nora took her place behind me, which I let her do without a word. But we + were not half-a-mile out of town when she began to try with her coaxing + and blandishments to dissipate my ill-humour. + </p> + <p> + ‘Sure it’s a bitter night, Redmond dear, and you’ll catch cold without a + handkerchief to your neck.’ To this sympathetic remark from the pillion, + the saddle made no reply. + </p> + <p> + ‘Did you and Miss Clancy have a pleasant evening, Redmond? You were + together, I saw, all night.’ To this the saddle only replied by grinding + his teeth, and giving a lash to Daisy. + </p> + <p> + ‘O mercy! you’ll make Daisy rear and throw me, you careless creature you: + and you know, Redmond, I’m so timid.’ The pillion had by this got her arm + round the saddle’s waist, and perhaps gave it the gentlest squeeze in the + world. + </p> + <p> + ‘I hate Miss Clancy, you know I do!’ answers the saddle; ‘and I only + danced with her because—because—the person with whom I + intended to dance chose to be engaged the whole night.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Sure there were my sisters,’ said the pillion, now laughing outright in + the pride of her conscious superiority; ‘and for me, my dear, I had not + been in the room five minutes before I was engaged for every single set.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Were you obliged to dance five times with Captain Quin?’ said I; and oh! + strange delicious charm of coquetry, I do believe Miss Nora Brady at + twenty-three years of age felt a pang of delight in thinking that she had + so much power over a guileless lad of fifteen. Of course she replied that + she did not care a fig for Captain Quin: that he danced prettily, to be + sure, and was a pleasant rattle of a man; that he looked well in his + regimentals too; and if he chose to ask her to dance, how could she refuse + him? + </p> + <p> + ‘But you refused me, Nora.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Oh! I can dance with you any day,’ answered Miss Nora, with a toss of her + head; ‘and to dance with your cousin at a ball, looks as if you could find + no other partner. Besides,’ said Nora—and this was a cruel, unkind + cut, which showed what a power she had over me, and how mercilessly she + used it,—‘besides, Redmond, Captain Quin’s a man and you are only a + boy!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘If ever I meet him again,’ I roared out with an oath, ‘you shall see + which is the best man of the two. I’ll fight him with sword or with + pistol, captain as he is. A man indeed! I’ll fight any man—every + man! Didn’t I stand up to Mick Brady when I was eleven years old?—Didn’t + I beat Tom Sullivan, the great hulking brute, who is nineteen?—Didn’t + I do for the Scotch usher? O Nora, it’s cruel of you to sneer at me so!’ + </p> + <p> + But Nora was in the sneering mood that night, and pursued her sarcasms; + she pointed out that Captain Quin was already known as a valiant soldier, + famous as a man of fashion in London, and that it was mighty well of + Redmond to talk and boast of beating ushers and farmers’ boys, but to + fight an Englishman was a very different matter. + </p> + <p> + Then she fell to talk of the invasion, and of military matters in general; + of King Frederick (who was called, in those days, the Protestant hero), of + Monsieur Thurot and his fleet, of Monsieur Conflans and his squadron, of + Minorca, how it was attacked, and where it was; we both agreed it must be + in America, and hoped the French might be soundly beaten there. + </p> + <p> + I sighed after a while (for I was beginning to melt), and said how much I + longed to be a soldier; on which Nora recurred to her infallible ‘Ah! now, + would you leave me, then? But, sure, you’re not big enough for anything + more than a little drummer.’ To which I replied, by swearing that a + soldier I would be, and a general too. + </p> + <p> + As we were chattering in this silly way, we came to a place that has ever + since gone by the name of Redmond’s Leap Bridge. It was an old high + bridge, over a stream sufficiently deep and rocky, and as the mare Daisy + with her double load was crossing this bridge, Miss Nora, giving a loose + to her imagination, and still harping on the military theme (I would lay a + wager that she was thinking of Captain Quin)—Miss Nora said, + ‘Suppose now, Redmond, you, who are such a hero, was passing over the + bridge, and the inimy on the other side?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I’d draw my sword, and cut my way through them.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘What, with me on the pillion? Would you kill poor me?’ (This young lady + was perpetually speaking of ‘poor me!’) + </p> + <p> + ‘Well, then, I’ll tell you what I’d do. I’d jump Daisy into the river, and + swim you both across, where no enemy could follow us.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Jump twenty feet! you wouldn’t dare to do any such thing on Daisy. + There’s the Captain’s horse, Black George, I’ve heard say that Captain Qui—’ + </p> + <p> + She never finished the word, for, maddened by the continual recurrence of + that odious monosyllable, I shouted to her to ‘hold tight by my waist,’ + and, giving Daisy the spur, in a minute sprang with Nora over the parapet + into the deep water below. I don’t know why, now—whether it was I + wanted to drown myself and Nora, or to perform an act that even Captain + Quin should crane at, or whether I fancied that the enemy actually was in + front of us, I can’t tell now; but over I went. The horse sank over his + head, the girl screamed as she sank and screamed as she rose, and I landed + her, half fainting, on the shore, where we were soon found by my uncle’s + people, who returned on hearing the screams. I went home, and was ill + speedily of a fever, which kept me to my bed for six weeks; and I quitted + my couch prodigiously increased in stature, and, at the same time, still + more violently in love than I had been even before. At the commencement of + my illness, Miss Nora had been pretty constant in her attendance at my + bedside, forgetting, for the sake of me, the quarrel between my mother and + her family; which my good mother was likewise pleased, in the most + Christian manner, to forget. And, let me tell you, it was no small mark of + goodness in a woman of her haughty disposition, who, as a rule, never + forgave anybody, for my sake to give up her hostility to Miss Brady, and + to receive her kindly. For, like a mad boy as I was, it was Nora I was + always raving about and asking for; I would only accept medicines from her + hand, and would look rudely and sulkily upon the good mother, who loved me + better than anything else in the world, and gave up even her favourite + habits, and proper and becoming jealousies, to make me happy. + </p> + <p> + As I got well, I saw that Nora’s visits became daily more rare: ‘Why don’t + she come?’ I would say, peevishly, a dozen times in the day; in reply to + which query, Mrs. Barry would be obliged to make the best excuses she + could find,—such as that Nora had sprained her ankle, or that they + had quarrelled together, or some other answer to soothe me. And many a + time has the good soul left me to go and break her heart in her own room + alone, and come back with a smiling face, so that I should know nothing of + her mortification. Nor, indeed, did I take much pains to ascertain it: nor + should I, I fear, have been very much touched even had I discovered it; + for the commencement of manhood, I think, is the period of our extremest + selfishness. We get such a desire then to take wing and leave the parent + nest, that no tears, entreaties, or feelings of affection will + counter-balance this overpowering longing after independence. She must + have been very sad, that poor mother of mine—Heaven be good to her!—at + that period of my life; and has often told me since what a pang of the + heart it was to her to see all her care and affection of years forgotten + by me in a minute, and for the sake of a little heartless jilt, who was + only playing with me while she could get no better suitor. For the fact + is, that during the last four weeks of my illness, no other than Captain + Quin was staying at Castle Brady, and making love to Miss Nora in form. My + mother did not dare to break this news to me, and you may be sure that + Nora herself kept it a secret: it was only by chance that I discovered it. + </p> + <p> + Shall I tell you how? The minx had been to see me one day, as I sat up in + my bed, convalescent; she was in such high spirits, and so gracious and + kind to me, that my heart poured over with joy and gladness, and I had + even for my poor mother a kind word and a kiss that morning. I felt myself + so well that I ate up a whole chicken, and promised my uncle, who had come + to see me, to be ready against partridge-shooting, to accompany him, as my + custom was. + </p> + <p> + The next day but one was a Sunday, and I had a project for that day which + I determined to realise, in spite of all the doctor’s and my mother’s + injunctions: which were that I was on no account to leave the house, for + the fresh air would be the death of me. + </p> + <p> + Well, I lay wondrous quiet, composing a copy of verses, the first I ever + made in my life; and I give them here, spelt as I spelt them in those days + when I knew no better. And though they are not so polished and elegant as + ‘Ardelia ease a Love-sick Swain,’ and ‘When Sol bedecks the Daisied Mead,’ + and other lyrical effusions of mine which obtained me so much reputation + in after life, I still think them pretty good for a humble lad of fifteen:— + </p> + <p> + THE ROSE OF FLORA. + </p> + <p> + Sent by a Young Gentleman of Quality to Miss Brady, of Castle Brady. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + On Brady’s tower there grows a flower, + It is the loveliest flower that blows,— + At Castle Brady there lives a lady + (And how I love her no one knows): + Her name is Nora, and the goddess Flora + Presents her with this blooming rose. +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +‘O Lady Nora,’ says the goddess Flora, + ‘I’ve many a rich and bright parterre; + In Brady’s towers there’s seven more flowers, + But you’re the fairest lady there: + Not all the county, nor Ireland’s bounty, + Can projuice a treasure that’s half so fair! + + What cheek is redder? sure roses fed her! + Her hair is maregolds, and her eye of blew + Beneath her eyelid is like the vi’let, + That darkly glistens with gentle jew? + The lily’s nature is not surely whiter + Than Nora’s neck is,—and her arrums too. +</pre> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +‘Come, gentle Nora,’ says the goddess Flora, + ‘My dearest creature, take my advice, + There is a poet, full well you know it, + Who spends his lifetime in heavy sighs,— + Young Redmond Barry, ‘tis him you’ll marry, + If rhyme and raisin you’d choose likewise.’ +</pre> + <p> + On Sunday, no sooner was my mother gone to church, than I summoned Phil + the valet, and insisted upon his producing my best suit, in which I + arrayed myself (although I found that I had shot up so in my illness that + the old dress was wofully too small for me), and, with my notable copy of + verses in my hand, ran down towards Castle Brady, bent upon beholding my + beauty. The air was so fresh and bright, and the birds sang so loud amidst + the green trees, that I felt more elated than I had been for months + before, and sprang down the avenue (my uncle had cut down every stick of + the trees, by the way) as brisk as a young fawn. My heart began to thump + as I mounted the grass-grown steps of the terrace, and passed in by the + rickety hall-door. The master and mistress were at church, Mr. Screw the + butler told me (after giving a start back at seeing my altered appearance, + and gaunt lean figure), and so were six of the young ladies. + </p> + <p> + ‘Was Miss Nora one?’ I asked. + </p> + <p> + ‘No, Miss Nora was not one,’ said Mr. Screw, assuming a very puzzled, and + yet knowing look. + </p> + <p> + ‘Where was she?’ To this question he answered, or rather made believe to + answer, with usual Irish ingenuity, and left me to settle whether she was + gone to Kilwangan on the pillion behind her brother, or whether she and + her sister had gone for a walk, or whether she was ill in her room; and + while I was settling this query, Mr. Screw left me abruptly. + </p> + <p> + I rushed away to the back court, where the Castle Brady stables stand, and + there I found a dragoon whistling the ‘Roast Beef of Old England,’ as he + cleaned down a cavalry horse. ‘Whose horse, fellow, is that?’ cried I. + </p> + <p> + ‘Feller, indeed!’ replied the Englishman: ‘the horse belongs to my + captain, and he’s a better FELLER nor you any day.’ + </p> + <p> + I did not stop to break his bones, as I would on another occasion, for a + horrible suspicion had come across me, and I made for the garden as + quickly as I could. + </p> + <p> + I knew somehow what I should see there. I saw Captain Quin and Nora pacing + the alley together. Her arm was under his, and the scoundrel was fondling + and squeezing the hand which lay closely nestling against his odious + waistcoat. Some distance beyond them was Captain Fagan of the Kilwangan + regiment, who was paying court to Nora’s sister Mysie. + </p> + <p> + I am not afraid of any man or ghost; but as I saw that sight my knees fell + a-trembling violently under me, and such a sickness came over me, that I + was fain to sink down on the grass by a tree against which I leaned, and + lost almost all consciousness for a minute or two: then I gathered myself + up, and, advancing towards the couple on the walk, loosened the blade of + the little silver-hilted hanger I always wore in its scabbard; for I was + resolved to pass it through the bodies of the delinquents, and spit them + like two pigeons. I don’t tell what feelings else besides those of rage + were passing through my mind; what bitter blank disappointment, what mad + wild despair, what a sensation as if the whole world was tumbling from + under me; I make no doubt that my reader hath been jilted by the ladies + many times, and so bid him recall his own sensations when the shock first + fell upon him. + </p> + <p> + ‘No, Norelia,’ said the Captain (for it was the fashion of those times for + lovers to call themselves by the most romantic names out of novels), + ‘except for you and four others, I vow before all the gods, my heart has + never felt the soft flame!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Ah! you men, you men, Eugenio!’ said she (the beast’s name was John), + ‘your passion is not equal to ours. We are like—like some plant I’ve + read of—we bear but one flower and then we die!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Do you mean you never felt an inclination for another?’ said Captain + Quin. + </p> + <p> + ‘Never, my Eugenio, but for thee! How can you ask a blushing nymph such a + question?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Darling Norelia!’ said he, raising her hand to his lips. + </p> + <p> + I had a knot of cherry-coloured ribands, which she had given me out of her + breast, and which somehow I always wore upon me. I pulled these out of my + bosom, and flung them in Captain Quin’s face, and rushed out with my + little sword drawn, shrieking, ‘She’s a liar—she’s a liar, Captain + Quin! Draw, sir, and defend yourself, if you are a man!’ and with these + words I leapt at the monster, and collared him, while Nora made the air + echo with her screams; at the sound of which the other captain and Mysie + hastened up. + </p> + <p> + Although I sprang up like a weed in my illness, and was now nearly + attained to my full growth of six feet, yet I was but a lath by the side + of the enormous English captain, who had calves and shoulders such as no + chairman at Bath ever boasted. He turned very red, and then exceedingly + pale at my attack upon him, and slipped back and clutched at his sword—when + Nora, in an agony of terror, flung herself round him, screaming, ‘Eugenio! + Captain Quin, for Heaven’s sake spare the child—he is but an + infant.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘And ought to be whipped for his impudence,’ said the Captain; ‘but never + fear, Miss Brady, I shall not touch him; your FAVOURITE is safe from me.’ + So saying, he stooped down and picked up the bunch of ribands which had + fallen at Nora’s feet, and handing it to her, said in a sarcastic tone, + ‘When ladies make presents to gentlemen, it is time for OTHER gentlemen to + retire.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Good heavens, Quin!’ cried the girl; ‘he is but a boy.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I am a man,’ roared I, ‘and will prove it.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘And don’t signify any more than my parrot or lap-dog. Mayn’t I give a bit + of riband to my own cousin?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘You are perfectly welcome, miss,’ continued the Captain, ‘as many yards + as you like.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Monster!’ exclaimed the dear girl; ‘your father was a tailor, and you are + always thinking of the shop. But I’ll have my revenge, I will! Reddy, will + you see me insulted?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Indeed, Miss Nora,’ says I, ‘I intend to have his blood as sure as my + name’s Redmond.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I’ll send for the usher to cane you, little boy,’ said the Captain, + regaining his self-possession; ‘but as for you, miss, I have the honour to + wish you a good-day.’ + </p> + <p> + He took off his hat with much ceremony, made a low CONGE, and was just + walking off, when Mick, my cousin, came up, whose ear had likewise been + caught by the scream. + </p> + <p> + ‘Hoity-toity! Jack Quin, what’s the matter here?’ says Mick; ‘Nora in + tears, Redmond’s ghost here with his sword drawn, and you making a bow?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I’ll tell you what it is, Mr. Brady,’ said the Englishman: ‘I have had + enough of Miss Nora, here, and your Irish ways. I ain’t used to ‘em, sir.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Well, well! what is it?’ said Mick good-humouredly (for he owed Quin a + great deal of money as it turned out); ‘we’ll make you used to our ways, + or adopt English ones.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘It’s not the English way for ladies to have two lovers’ (the ‘Henglish + way,’ as the captain called it), ‘and so, Mr. Brady, I’ll thank you to pay + me the sum you owe me, and I’ll resign all claims to this young lady. If + she has a fancy for schoolboys, let her take ‘em, sir.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Pooh, pooh! Quin, you are joking,’ said Mick. + </p> + <p> + ‘I never was more in earnest,’ replied the other. + </p> + <p> + ‘By Heaven, then, look to yourself!’ shouted Mick. ‘Infamous seducer! + infernal deceiver!—you come and wind your toils round this suffering + angel here—you win her heart and leave her—and fancy her + brother won’t defend her? Draw this minute, you slave! and let me cut the + wicked heart out of your body!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘This is regular assassination,’ said Quin, starting back; ‘there’s two on + ‘em on me at once. Fagan, you won’t let ‘em murder me?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Faith!’ said Captain Fagan, who seemed mightily amused, ‘you may settle + your own quarrel, Captain Quin;’ and coming over to me, whispered, ‘At him + again, you little fellow.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘As long as Mr. Quin withdraws his claim,’ said I, ‘I, of course, do not + interfere.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I do, sir—I do,’ said Mr. Quin, more and more flustered. + </p> + <p> + ‘Then defend yourself like a man, curse you!’ cried Mick again. ‘Mysie, + lead this poor victim away—Redmond and Fagan will see fair play + between us.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Well now—I don’t—give me time—I’m puzzled—I—I + don’t know which way to look.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Like the donkey betwixt the two bundles of hay,’ said Mr. Fagan drily, + ‘and there’s pretty pickings on either side.’ + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0002" id="link2HCH0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER II. I SHOW MYSELF TO BE A MAN OF SPIRIT + </h2> + <p> + During this dispute, my cousin Nora did the only thing that a lady, under + such circumstances, could do, and fainted in due form. I was in hot + altercation with Mick at the time, or I should have, of course, flown to + her assistance, but Captain Fagan (a dry sort of fellow this Fagan was) + prevented me, saying, ‘I advise you to leave the young lady to herself, + Master Redmond, and be sure she will come to.’ And so indeed, after a + while, she did, which has shown me since that Fagan knew the world pretty + well, for many’s the lady I’ve seen in after times recover in a similar + manner. Quin did not offer to help her, you may be sure, for, in the midst + of the diversion, caused by her screaming, the faithless bully stole away. + </p> + <p> + ‘Which of us is Captain Quin to engage?’ said I to Mick; for it was my + first affair, and I was as proud of it as of a suit of laced velvet. ‘Is + it you or I, Cousin Mick, that is to have the honour of chastising this + insolent Englishman?’ And I held out my hand as I spoke, for my heart + melted towards my cousin under the triumph of the moment. + </p> + <p> + But he rejected the proffered offer of friendship. ‘You—you!’ said + he, in a towering passion; ‘hang you for a meddling brat: your hand is in + everybody’s pie. What business had you to come brawling and quarrelling + here, with a gentleman who has fifteen hundred a year?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Oh,’ gasped Nora, from the stone bench, ‘I shall die: I know I shall. I + shall never leave this spot.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘The Captain’s not gone yet,’ whispered Fagan; on which Nora, giving him + an indignant look, jumped up and walked towards the house. + </p> + <p> + ‘Meanwhile,’ Mick continued, ‘what business have you, you meddling rascal, + to interfere with a daughter of this house?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Rascal yourself!’ roared I: ‘call me another such name, Mick Brady, and + I’ll drive my hanger into your weasand. Recollect, I stood to you when I + was eleven years old. I’m your match now, and, by Jove, provoke me, and + I’ll beat you like—like your younger brother always did.’ That was a + home-cut, and I saw Mick turn blue with fury. + </p> + <p> + ‘This is a pretty way to recommend yourself to the family,’ said Fagan, in + a soothing tone. + </p> + <p> + ‘The girl’s old enough to be his mother,’ growled Mick. + </p> + <p> + ‘Old or not,’ I replied: ‘you listen to this, Mick Brady’ (and I swore a + tremendous oath, that need not be put down here): ‘the man that marries + Nora Brady must first kill me—do you mind that?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Pooh, sir,’ said Mick, turning away, ‘kill you—flog you, you mean! + I’ll send for Nick the huntsman to do it;’ and so he went off. + </p> + <p> + Captain Fagan now came up, and taking me kindly by the hand, said I was a + gallant lad, and he liked my spirit. ‘But what Brady says is true,’ + continued he; ‘it’s a hard thing to give a lad counsel who is in such a + far-gone state as you; but, believe me, I know the world, and if you will + but follow my advice, you won’t regret having taken it. Nora Brady has not + a penny; you are not a whit richer. You are but fifteen, and she’s + four-and-twenty. In ten years, when you’re old enough to marry, she will + be an old woman; and, my poor boy, don’t you see—though it’s a hard + matter to see—that she’s a flirt, and does not care a pin for you or + Quin either?’ + </p> + <p> + But who in love (or in any other point, for the matter of that) listens to + advice? I never did, and I told Captain Fagan fairly, that Nora might love + me or not as she liked, but that Quin should fight me before he married + her—that I swore. + </p> + <p> + ‘Faith,’ says Fagan, ‘I think you are a lad that’s likely to keep your + word;’ and, looking hard at me for a second or two, he walked away + likewise, humming a tune: and I saw he looked back at me as he went + through the old gate out of the garden. When he was gone, and I was quite + alone, I flung myself down on the bench where Nora had made believe to + faint, and had left her handkerchief; and, taking it up, hid my face in + it, and burst into such a passion of tears as I would then have had nobody + see for the world. The crumpled riband which I had flung at Quin lay in + the walk, and I sat there for hours, as wretched as any man in Ireland, I + believe, for the time being. But it’s a changeable world! When we consider + how great our sorrows SEEM, and how small they ARE; how we think we shall + die of grief, and how quickly we forget, I think we ought to be ashamed of + ourselves and our fickle-heartedness. For, after all, what business has + time to bring us consolation? I have not, perhaps, in the course of my + multifarious adventures and experience, hit upon the right woman; and have + forgotten, after a little, every single creature I adored; but I think, if + I could but have lighted on the right one, I would have loved her for + EVER. + </p> + <p> + I must have sat for some hours bemoaning myself on the garden bench, for + it was morning when I came to Castle Brady, and the dinner-bell clanged as + usual at three o’clock, which wakened me up from my reverie. Presently I + gathered up the handkerchief, and once more took the riband. As I passed + through the offices, I saw the Captain’s saddle was still hanging up at + the stable-door, and saw his odious red-coated brute of a servant + swaggering with the scullion-girls and kitchen-people. ‘The Englishman’s + still there, Master Redmond,’ said one of the maids to me (a sentimental + black-eyed girl, who waited on the young ladies). ‘He’s there in the + parlour, with the sweetest fillet of vale; go in, and don’t let him + browbeat you, Master Redmond.’ + </p> + <p> + And in I went, and took my place at the bottom of the big table, as usual, + and my friend the butler speedily brought me a cover. + </p> + <p> + ‘Hallo, Reddy my boy!’ said my uncle, ‘up and well?—that’s right.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘He’d better be home with his mother,’ growled my aunt. + </p> + <p> + ‘Don’t mind her,’ says Uncle Brady; ‘it’s the cold goose she ate at + breakfast didn’t agree with her. Take a glass of spirits, Mrs. Brady, to + Redmond’s health.’ It was evident he did not know of what had happened; + but Mick, who was at dinner too, and Ulick, and almost all the girls, + looked exceedingly black, and the Captain foolish; and Miss Nora, who was + again by his side, ready to cry. Captain Fagan sat smiling; and I looked + on as cold as a stone. I thought the dinner would choke me: but I was + determined to put a good face on it, and when the cloth was drawn, filled + my glass with the rest; and we drank the King and the Church, as gentlemen + should. My uncle was in high good-humour, and especially always joking + with Nora and the Captain. It was, ‘Nora, divide that merry-thought with + the Captain! see who’ll be married first.’ ‘Jack Quin, my dear boy, never + mind a clean glass for the claret, we’re short of crystal at Castle Brady; + take Nora’s and the wine will taste none the worse;’ and so on. He was in + the highest glee,—I did not know why. Had there been a + reconciliation between the faithless girl and her lover since they had + come into the house? + </p> + <p> + I learned the truth very soon. At the third toast, it was always the + custom for the ladies to withdraw; but my uncle stopped them this time, in + spite of the remonstrances of Nora, who said, ‘Oh, pa! do let us go!’ and + said, ‘No, Mrs. Brady and ladies, if you plaise; this is a sort of toast + that is drunk a great dale too seldom in my family, and you’ll plaise to + receive it with all the honours. Here’s CAPTAIN AND MRS. JOHN QUIN, and + long life to them. Kiss her, Jack, you rogue: for ‘faith you’ve got a + treasure!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘He has already ‘——I screeched out, springing up. + </p> + <p> + ‘Hold your tongue, you fool—hold your tongue!’ said big Ulick, who + sat by me; but I wouldn’t hear. + </p> + <p> + ‘He has already,’ I screamed, ‘been slapped in the face this morning, + Captain John Quin; he’s already been called coward, Captain John Quin; and + this is the way I’ll drink his health. Here’s your health, Captain John + Quin!’ And I flung a glass of claret into his face. I don’t know how he + looked after it, for the next moment I myself was under the table, tripped + up by Ulick, who hit me a violent cuff on the head as I went down; and I + had hardly leisure to hear the general screaming and skurrying that was + taking place above me, being so fully occupied with kicks, and thumps, and + curses, with which Ulick was belabouring me. ‘You fool!’ roared he—’ + you great blundering marplot—you silly beggarly brat’ (a thump at + each), ‘hold your tongue!’ These blows from Ulick, of course, I did not + care for, for he had always been my friend, and had been in the habit of + thrashing me all my life. + </p> + <p> + When I got up from under the table all the ladies were gone; and I had the + satisfaction of seeing the Captain’s nose was bleeding, as mine was—HIS + was cut across the bridge, and his beauty spoiled for ever. Ulick shook + himself, sat down quietly, filled a bumper, and pushed the bottle to me. + ‘There, you young donkey,’ said he, ‘sup that; and let’s hear no more of + your braying.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘In Heaven’s name, what does all the row mean?’ says my uncle. ‘Is the boy + in the fever again?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘It’s all your fault,’ said Mick sulkily: ‘yours and those who brought him + here.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Hold your noise, Mick!’ says Ulick, turning on him; ‘speak civil of my + father and me, and don’t let me be called upon to teach you manners.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘It IS your fault,’ repeated Mick. ‘What business has the vagabond here? + If I had my will, I’d have him flogged and turned out.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘And so he should be,’ said Captain Quin. + </p> + <p> + ‘You’d best not try it, Quin,’ said Ulick, who was always my champion; and + turning to his father, ‘The fact is, sir, that the young monkey has fallen + in love with Nora, and finding her and the Captain mighty sweet in the + garden to-day, he was for murdering Jack Quin.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Gad, he’s beginning young,’ said my uncle, quite good-humouredly. + ‘’Faith, Fagan, that boy’s a Brady, every inch of him.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘And I’ll tell you what, Mr. B.,’ cried Quin, bristling up: ‘I’ve been + insulted grossly in this ‘OUSE. I ain’t at all satisfied with these here + ways of going on. I’m an Englishman I am, and a man of property; and I—I’—‘If + you’re insulted, and not satisfied, remember there’s two of us, Quin,’ + said Ulick gruffly. On which the Captain fell to washing his nose in + water, and answered never a word. + </p> + <p> + ‘Mr. Quin,’ said I, in the most dignified tone I could assume, ‘may also + have satisfaction any time he pleases, by calling on Redmond Barry, + Esquire, of Barryville.’ At which speech my uncle burst out a-laughing (as + he did at everything); and in this laugh, Captain Fagan, much to my + mortification, joined. I turned rather smartly upon him, however, and bade + him to understand that as for my cousin Ulick, who had been my best friend + through life, I could put up with rough treatment from him; yet, though I + was a boy, even that sort of treatment I would bear from him no longer; + and any other person who ventured on the like would find me a man, to + their cost. ‘Mr. Quin,’ I added, ‘knows that fact very well; and if HE’S a + man, he’ll know where to find me.’ + </p> + <p> + My uncle now observed that it was getting late, and that my mother would + be anxious about me. ‘One of you had better go home with him,’ said he, + turning to his sons, ‘or the lad may be playing more pranks.’ But Ulick + said, with a nod to his brother, ‘Both of us ride home with Quin here.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I’m not afraid of Freny’s people,’ said the Captain, with a faint attempt + at a laugh; ‘my man is armed, and so am I.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘You know the use of arms very well, Quin,’ said Ulick; ‘and no one can + doubt your courage; but Mick and I will see you home for all that.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Why, you’ll not be home till morning, boys. Kilwangan’s a good ten mile + from here.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘We’ll sleep at Quin’s quarters,’ replied Ulick: ‘WE’RE GOING TO STOP A + WEEK THERE.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Thank you,’ says Quin, very faint; ‘it’s very kind of you.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘You’ll be lonely, you know, without us.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Oh yes, very lonely!’ says Quin. + </p> + <p> + ‘And in ANOTHER WEEK, my boy,’ says Ulick (and here he whispered something + in the Captain’s ear, in which I thought I caught the words ‘marriage,’ + ‘parson,’ and felt all my fury returning again). + </p> + <p> + ‘As you please,’ whined out the Captain; and the horses were quickly + brought round, and the three gentlemen rode away. + </p> + <p> + Fagan stopped, and, at my uncle’s injunction, walked across the old + treeless park with me. He said that after the quarrel at dinner, he + thought I would scarcely want to see the ladies that night, in which + opinion I concurred entirely; and so we went off without an adieu. + </p> + <p> + ‘A pretty day’s work of it you have made, Master Redmond,’ said he. ‘What! + you a friend to the Bradys, and knowing your uncle to be distressed for + money, try and break off a match which will bring fifteen hundred a year + into the family? Quin has promised to pay off the four thousand pounds + which is bothering your uncle so. He takes a girl without a penny—a + girl with no more beauty than yonder bullock. Well, well, don’t look + furious; let’s say she IS handsome—there’s no accounting for tastes,—a + girl that has been flinging herself at the head of every man in these + parts these ten years past, and MISSING them all. And you, as poor as + herself, a boy of fifteen—well, sixteen, if you insist—and a + boy who ought to be attached to your uncle as to your father’— + </p> + <p> + ‘And so I am,’ said I. + </p> + <p> + ‘And this is the return you make him for his kindness! Didn’t he harbour + you in his house when you were an orphan, and hasn’t he given you + rent-free your fine mansion of Barryville yonder? And now, when his + affairs can be put into order, and a chance offers for his old age to be + made comfortable, who flings himself in the way of him and competence?—You, + of all others; the man in the world most obliged to him. It’s wicked, + ungrateful, unnatural. From a lad of such spirit as you are, I expect a + truer courage.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I am not afraid of any man alive,’ exclaimed I (for this latter part of + the Captain’s argument had rather staggered me, and I wished, of course, + to turn it—as one always should when the enemy’s too strong); ‘and + it’s <i>I</i> am the injured man, Captain Fagan. No man was ever, since + the world began, treated so. Look here—look at this riband. I’ve + worn it in my heart for six months. I’ve had it there all the time of the + fever. Didn’t Nora take it out of her own bosom and give it me? Didn’t she + kiss me when she gave it me, and call me her darling Redmond?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘She was PRACTISING,’ replied Mr. Fagan, with a sneer. ‘I know women, sir. + Give them time, and let nobody else come to the house, and they’ll fall in + love with a chimney-sweep. There was a young lady in Fermoy’— + </p> + <p> + ‘A young lady in flames,’ roared I (but I used a still hotter word). ‘Mark + this; come what will of it, I swear I’ll fight the man who pretends to the + hand of Nora Brady. I’ll follow him, if it’s into the church, and meet him + there. I’ll have his blood, or he shall have mine; and this riband shall + be found dyed in it. Yes, and if I kill him, I’ll pin it on his breast, + and then she may go and take back her token.’ This I said because I was + very much excited at the time, and because I had not read novels and + romantic plays for nothing. + </p> + <p> + ‘Well,’ says Fagan after a pause, ‘if it must be, it must. For a young + fellow, you are the most blood-thirsty I ever saw. Quin’s a determined + fellow, too.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Will you take my message to him?’ said I, quite eagerly. + </p> + <p> + ‘Hush!’ said Fagan: ‘your mother may be on the look-out. Here we are, + close to Barryville.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Mind! not a word to my mother,’ I said; and went into the house swelling + with pride and exultation to think that I should have a chance against the + Englishman I hated so. + </p> + <p> + Tim, my servant, had come up from Barryville on my mother’s return from + church; for the good lady was rather alarmed at my absence, and anxious + for my return. But he had seen me go in to dinner, at the invitation of + the sentimental lady’s-maid; and when he had had his own share of the good + things in the kitchen, which was always better furnished than ours at + home, had walked back again to inform his mistress where I was, and, no + doubt, to tell her, in his own fashion, of all the events that had + happened at Castle Brady. In spite of my precautions to secrecy, then, I + half suspected that my mother knew all, from the manner in which she + embraced me on my arrival, and received our guest, Captain Fagan. The poor + soul looked a little anxious and flushed, and every now and then gazed + very hard in the Captain’s face; but she said not a word about the + quarrel, for she had a noble spirit, and would as lief have seen anyone of + her kindred hanged as shirking from the field of honour. What has become + of those gallant feelings nowadays? Sixty years ago a man was a MAN, in + old Ireland, and the sword that was worn by his side was at the service of + any gentleman’s gizzard, upon the slightest difference. But the good old + times and usages are fast fading away. One scarcely every hears of a fair + meeting now, and the use of those cowardly pistols, in place of the + honourable and manly weapon of gentlemen, has introduced a deal of knavery + into the practice of duelling, that cannot be sufficiently deplored. + </p> + <p> + When I arrived at home I felt that I was a man in earnest, and welcoming + Captain Fagan to Barryville, and introducing him to my mother, in a + majestic and dignified way, said the Captain must be thirsty after his + walk, and called upon Tim to bring up a bottle of the yellow-sealed + Bordeaux, and cakes and glasses, immediately. + </p> + <p> + Tim looked at the mistress in great wonderment: and the fact is, that six + hours previous I would as soon have thought of burning the house down as + calling for a bottle of claret on my own account; but I felt I was a man + now, and had a right to command; and my mother felt this too, for she + turned to the fellow and said, sharply, ‘Don’t you hear, you rascal, what + YOUR MASTER says! Go, get the wine, and the cakes and glasses, directly.’ + Then (for you may be sure she did not give Tim the keys of our little + cellar) she went and got the liquor herself; and Tim brought it in, on the + silver tray, in due form. My dear mother poured out the wine, and drank + the Captain welcome; but I observed her hand shook very much as she + performed this courteous duty, and the bottle went clink, clink, against + the glass. When she had tasted her glass, she said she had a headache, and + would go to bed; and so I asked her blessing, as becomes a dutiful son—(the + modern BLOODS have given up the respectful ceremonies which distinguished + a gentleman in my time)—and she left me and Captain Fagan to talk + over our important business. + </p> + <p> + ‘Indeed,’ said the Captain,’ I see now no other way out of the scrape than + a meeting. The fact is, there was a talk of it at Castle Brady, after your + attack upon Quin this afternoon, and he vowed that he would cut you in + pieces: but the tears and supplications of Miss Honoria induced him, + though very unwillingly, to relent. Now, however, matters have gone too + far. No officer, bearing His Majesty’s commission, can receive a glass of + wine on his nose—this claret of yours is very good, by the way, and + by your leave we’ll ring for another bottle—without resenting the + affront. Fight you must; and Quin is a huge strong fellow.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘He’ll give the better mark,’ said I. ‘I am not afraid of him.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘In faith,’ said the Captain,’ I believe you are not; for a lad, I never + saw more game in my life.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Look at that sword, sir,’ says I, pointing to an elegant silver-mounted + one, in a white shagreen case, that hung on the mantelpiece, under the + picture of my father, Harry Barry. ‘It was with that sword, sir, that my + father pinked Mohawk O’Driscol, in Dublin, in the year 1740; with that + sword, sir, he met Sir Huddlestone Fuddlestone, the Hampshire baronet, and + ran him through the neck. They met on horseback, with sword and pistol, on + Hounslow Heath, as I dare say you have heard tell of, and those are the + pistols’ (they hung on each side of the picture) ‘which the gallant Barry + used. He was quite in the wrong, having insulted Lady Fuddlestone, when in + liquor, at the Brentford assembly. But, like a gentleman, he scorned to + apologise, and Sir Huddlestone received a ball through his hat, before + they engaged with the sword. I am Harry Barry’s son, sir, and will act as + becomes my name and my quality.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Give me a kiss, my dear boy,’ said Fagan, with tears in his eyes. ‘You’re + after my own soul. As long as Jack Fagan lives you shall never want a + friend or a second.’ + </p> + <p> + Poor fellow! he was shot six months afterwards, carrying orders to my Lord + George Sackville, at Minden, and I lost thereby a kind friend. But we + don’t know what is in store for us, and that night was a merry one at + least. We had a second bottle, and a third too (I could hear the poor + mother going downstairs for each, but she never came into the parlour with + them, and sent them in by the butler, Mr. Tim): and we parted at length, + he engaging to arrange matters with Mr. Quin’s second that night, and to + bring me news in the morning as to the place where the meeting should take + place. I have often thought since, how different my fate might have been, + had I not fallen in love with Nora at that early age; and had I not flung + the wine in Quin’s face, and so brought on the duel. I might have settled + down in Ireland but for that (for Miss Quinlan was an heiress, within + twenty miles of us, and Peter Burke, of Kilwangan, left his daughter Judy + L700 a year, and I might have had either of them, had I waited a few + years). But it was in my fate to be a wanderer, and that battle with Quin + sent me on my travels at a very early age: as you shall hear anon. + </p> + <p> + I never slept sounder in my life, though I woke a little earlier than + usual; and you may be sure my first thought was of the event of the day, + for which I was fully prepared. I had ink and pen in my room—had I + not been writing those verses to Nora but the day previous, like a poor + fond fool as I was? And now I sat down and wrote a couple of letters more: + they might be the last, thought I, that I ever should write in my life. + The first was to my mother:— + </p> + <p> + ‘Honoured Madam’—I wrote—‘This will not be given you unless I + fall by the hand of Captain Quin, whom I meet this day in the field of + honour, with sword and pistol. If I die, it is as a good Christian and a + gentleman,—how should I be otherwise when educated by such a mother + as you? I forgive all my enemies—I beg your blessing as a dutiful + son. I desire that my mare Nora, which my uncle gave me, and which I + called after the most faithless of her sex, may be returned to Castle + Brady, and beg you will give my silver-hiked hanger to Phil Purcell, the + gamekeeper. Present my duty to my uncle and Ulick, and all the girls of MY + party there. And I remain your dutiful son, + </p> + <p> + ‘REDMOND BARRY.’ + </p> + <p> + To Nora I wrote:— + </p> + <p> + ‘This letter will be found in my bosom along with the token you gave me. + It will be dyed in my blood (unless I have Captain Quin’s, whom I hate, + but forgive), and will be a pretty ornament for you on your marriage-day. + Wear it, and think of the poor boy to whom you gave it, and who died (as + he was always ready to do) for your sake. + </p> + <p> + ‘REDMOND.’ + </p> + <p> + These letters being written, and sealed with my father’s great silver seal + of the Barry arms, I went down to breakfast; where my mother was waiting + for me, you may be sure. We did not say a single word about what was + taking place: on the contrary, we talked of anything but that; about who + was at church the day before, and about my wanting new clothes now I was + grown so tall. She said I must have a suit against winter, if—if—she + could afford it. She winced rather at the ‘if,’ Heaven bless her! I knew + what was in her mind. And then she fell to telling me about the black pig + that must be killed, and that she had found the speckled hen’s nest that + morning, whose eggs I liked so, and other such trifling talk. Some of + these eggs were for breakfast, and I ate them with a good appetite; but in + helping myself to salt I spilled it, on which she started up with a + scream. ‘THANK GOD,’ said she, ‘IT’S FALLEN TOWARDS ME.’ And then, her + heart being too full, she left the room. Ah! they have their faults, those + mothers; but are there any other women like them? + </p> + <p> + When she was gone I went to take down the sword with which my father had + vanquished the Hampshire baronet, and, would you believe it?—the + brave woman had tied A NEW RIBAND to the hilt: for indeed she had the + courage of a lioness and a Brady united. And then I took down the pistols, + which were always kept bright and well oiled, and put some fresh flints I + had into the locks, and got balls and powder ready against the Captain + should come. There was claret and a cold fowl put ready for him on the + sideboard, and a case-bottle of old brandy too, with a couple of little + glasses on the silver tray with the Barry arms emblazoned. In after life, + and in the midst of my fortune and splendour, I paid thirty-five guineas, + and almost as much more interest, to the London goldsmith who supplied my + father with that very tray. A scoundrel pawnbroker would only give me + sixteen for it afterwards; so little can we trust the honour of rascally + tradesmen! + </p> + <p> + At eleven o’clock Captain Fagan arrived, on horseback, with a mounted + dragoon after him. He paid his compliments to the collation which my + mother’s care had provided for him, and then said, ‘Look ye, Redmond my + boy; this is a silly business. The girl will marry Quin, mark my words; + and as sure as she does you’ll forget her. You are but a boy. Quin is + willing to consider you as such. Dublin’s a fine place, and if you have a + mind to take a ride thither and see the town for a month, here are twenty + guineas at your service. Make Quin an apology, and be off.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘A man of honour, Mr. Fagan,’ says I, ‘dies, but never apologises. I’ll + see the Captain hanged before I apologise.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Then there’s nothing for it but a meeting.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘My mare is saddled and ready,’ says I; ‘where’s the meeting, and who’s + the Captain’s second?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Your cousins go out with him,’ answered Mr. Fagan. + </p> + <p> + ‘I’ll ring for my groom to bring my mare round,’ I said, ‘as soon as you + have rested yourself.’ Tim was accordingly despatched for Nora, and I rode + away, but I didn’t take leave of Mrs. Barry. The curtains of her bedroom + windows were down, and they didn’t move as we mounted and trotted off... + BUT TWO HOURS AFTERWARDS, you should have seen her as she came tottering + downstairs, and heard the scream which she gave as she hugged her boy to + her heart, quite unharmed and without a wound in his body. + </p> + <p> + What had taken place I may as well tell here. When we got to the ground, + Ulick, Mick, and the Captain were already there: Quin, flaming in red + regimentals, as big a monster as ever led a grenadier company. The party + were laughing together at some joke of one or the other: and I must say I + thought this laughter very unbecoming in my cousins, who were met, + perhaps, to see the death of one of their kindred. + </p> + <p> + ‘I hope to spoil this sport,’ says I to Captain Fagan, in a great rage, + ‘and trust to see this sword of mine in yonder big bully’s body.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Oh! it’s with pistols we fight,’ replied Mr. Fagan. ‘You are no match for + Quin with the sword.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I’ll match any man with the sword,’ said I. + </p> + <p> + ‘But swords are to-day impossible; Captain Quin is—is lame. He + knocked his knee against the swinging park-gate last night, as he was + riding home, and can scarce move it now.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Not against Castle Brady gate,’ says I: ‘that has been off the hinges + these ten years.’ On which Fagan said it must have been some other gate, + and repeated what he had said to Mr. Quin and my cousins, when, on + alighting from our horses, we joined and saluted those gentlemen. + </p> + <p> + ‘Oh yes! dead lame,’ said Ulick, coming to shake me by the hand, while + Captain Quin took off his hat and turned extremely red. ‘And very lucky + for you, Redmond my boy,’ continued Ulick; ‘you were a dead man else; for + he is a devil of a fellow—isn’t he, Fagan?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘A regular Turk,’ answered Fagan; adding, ‘I never yet knew the man who + stood to Captain Quin.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Hang the business!’ said Ulick; ‘I hate it. I’m ashamed of it. Say you’re + sorry, Redmond: you can easily say that.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘If the young FELLER will go to DUBLING, as proposed’—here + interposed Mr. Quin. + </p> + <p> + ‘I am NOT sorry—I’ll NOT apologise—and I’ll as soon go to + DUBLING as to—!’ said I, with a stamp of my foot. + </p> + <p> + ‘There’s nothing else for it,’ said Ulick with a laugh to Fagan. ‘Take + your ground, Fagan,—twelve paces, I suppose?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Ten, sir,’ said Mr. Quin, in a big voice; ‘and make them short ones, do + you hear, Captain Fagan?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Don’t bully, Mr. Quin,’ said Ulick surlily; ‘here are the pistols.’ And + he added, with some emotion, to me, ‘God bless you, my boy; and when I + count three, fire.’ + </p> + <p> + Mr. Fagan put my pistol into my hand,—that is, not one of mine + (which were to serve, if need were, for the next round), but one of + Ulick’s. ‘They are all right,’ said he. ‘Never fear: and, Redmond, fire at + his neck—hit him there under the gorget. See how the fool shows + himself open.’ Mick, who had never spoken a word, Ulick, and the Captain + retired to one side, and Ulick gave the signal. It was slowly given, and I + had leisure to cover my man well. I saw him changing colour and trembling + as the numbers were given. At ‘three,’ both our pistols went off. I heard + something whizz by me, and my antagonist, giving a most horrible groan, + staggered backwards and fell. + </p> + <p> + ‘He’s down—he’s down!’ cried the seconds, running towards him. Ulick + lifted him up—Mick took his head. + </p> + <p> + ‘He’s hit here, in the neck,’ said Mick; and laying open his coat, blood + was seen gurgling from under his gorget, at the very spot at which I + aimed. + </p> + <p> + ‘How is it with you?’ said Ulick. ‘Is he really hit?’ said he, looking + hard at him. The unfortunate man did not answer, but when the support of + Ulick’s arm was withdrawn from his back, groaned once more, and fell + backwards. + </p> + <p> + ‘The young fellow has begun well,’ said Mick, with a scowl. ‘You had + better ride off, young sir, before the police are up. They had wind of the + business before we left Kilwangan.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Is he quite dead?’ said I. + </p> + <p> + ‘Quite dead,’ answered Mick. + </p> + <p> + ‘Then the world’s rid of A COWARD,’ said Captain Fagan, giving the huge + prostrate body a scornful kick with his foot. ‘It’s all over with him, + Reddy,—he doesn’t stir.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘WE are not cowards, Fagan,’ said Ulick roughly, ‘whatever he was! Let’s + get the boy off as quick as we may. Your man shall go for a cart, and take + away the body of this unhappy gentleman. This has been a sad day’s work + for our family, Redmond Barry: you have robbed us of 1500(pounds) a year.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘It was Nora did it,’ said I; ‘not I.’ And I took the riband she gave me + out of my waistcoat, and the letter, and flung them down on the body of + Captain Quin. ‘There!’ says I—‘take her those ribands. She’ll know + what they mean: and that’s all that’s left to her of two lovers she had + and ruined.’ + </p> + <p> + I did not feel any horror or fear, young as I was, in seeing my enemy + prostrate before me; for I knew that I had met and conquered him + honourably in the field, as became a man of my name and blood. + </p> + <p> + ‘And now, in Heaven’s name, get the youngster out of the way,’ said Mick. + </p> + <p> + Ulick said he would ride with me, and off accordingly we galloped, never + drawing bridle till we came to my mother’s door. When there, Ulick told + Tim to feed my mare, as I would have far to ride that day; and I was in + the poor mother’s arms in a minute. + </p> + <p> + I need not tell how great were her pride and exultation when she heard + from Ulick’s lips the account of my behaviour at the duel. He urged, + however, that I should go into hiding for a short time; and it was agreed + between them that I should drop my name of Barry, and, taking that of + Redmond, go to Dublin, and there wait until matters were blown over. This + arrangement was not come to without some discussion; for why should I not + be as safe at Barryville, she said, as my cousin and Ulick at Castle + Brady?—bailiffs and duns never got near THEM; why should constables + be enabled to come upon me? But Ulick persisted in the necessity of my + instant departure; in which argument, as I was anxious to see the world, I + must confess, I sided with him; and my mother was brought to see that in + our small house at Barryville, in the midst of the village, and with the + guard but of a couple of servants, escape would be impossible. So the kind + soul was forced to yield to my cousin’s entreaties, who promised her, + however, that the affair would soon be arranged, and that I should be + restored to her. Ah! how little did he know what fortune was in store for + me! + </p> + <p> + My dear mother had some forebodings, I think, that our separation was to + be a long one; for she told me that all night long she had been consulting + the cards regarding my fate in the duel: and that all the signs betokened + a separation; then, taking out a stocking from her escritoire, the kind + soul put twenty guineas in a purse for me (she had herself but + twenty-five), and made up a little valise, to be placed at the back of my + mare, in which were my clothes, linen, and a silver dressing-case of my + father’s. She bade me, too, to keep the sword and the pistols I had known + to use so like a man. She hurried my departure now (though her heart, I + know, was full), and almost in half-an-hour after my arrival at home I was + once more on the road again, with the wide world as it were before me. I + need not tell how Tim and the cook cried at my departure: and, mayhap, I + had a tear or two myself in my eyes; but no lad of sixteen is VERY sad who + has liberty for the first time, and twenty guineas in his pocket: and I + rode away, thinking, I confess, not so much of the kind mother left alone, + and of the home behind me, as of to-morrow, and all the wonders it would + bring. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0003" id="link2HCH0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER III. A FALSE START IN THE GENTEEL WORLD + </h2> + <p> + I rode that night as far as Carlow, where I lay at the best inn; and being + asked what was my name by the landlord of the house, gave it as Mr. + Redmond, according to my cousin’s instructions, and said I was of the + Redmonds of Waterford county, and was on my road to Trinity College, + Dublin, to be educated there. Seeing my handsome appearance, silver-hiked + sword, and well-filled valise, my landlord made free to send up a jug of + claret without my asking; and charged, you may be sure, pretty handsomely + for it in the bill. No gentleman in those good old days went to bed + without a good share of liquor to set him sleeping, and on this my first + day’s entrance into the world, I made a point to act the fine gentleman + completely; and, I assure you, succeeded in my part to admiration. The + excitement of the events of the day, the quitting my home, the meeting + with Captain Quin, were enough to set my brains in a whirl, without the + claret; which served to finish me completely. I did not dream of the death + of Quin, as some milksops, perhaps, would have done; indeed, I have never + had any of that foolish remorse consequent upon any of my affairs of + honour: always considering, from the first, that where a gentleman risks + his own life in manly combat, he is a fool to be ashamed because he wins. + I slept at Carlow as sound as man could sleep; drank a tankard of small + beer and a toast to my breakfast; and exchanged the first of my gold + pieces to settle the bill, not forgetting to pay all the servants + liberally, and as a gentleman should. I began so the first day of my life, + and so have continued. No man has been at greater straits than I, and has + borne more pinching poverty and hardship; but nobody can say of me that, + if I had a guinea, I was not free-handed with it, and did not spend it as + well as a lord could do. + </p> + <p> + I had no doubts of the future: thinking that a man of my person, parts, + and courage, could make his way anywhere. Besides, I had twenty gold + guineas in my pocket; a sum which (although I was mistaken) I calculated + would last me for four months at least, during which time something would + be done towards the making of my fortune. So I rode on, singing to myself, + or chatting with the passers-by; and all the girls along the road said God + save me for a clever gentleman! As for Nora and Castle Brady, between + to-day and yesterday there seemed to be a gap as of half-a-score of years. + I vowed I would never re-enter the place but as a great man; and I kept my + vow too, as you shall hear in due time. + </p> + <p> + There was much more liveliness and bustle on the king’s highroad in those + times, than in these days of stage-coaches, which carry you from one end + of the kingdom to another in a few score hours. The gentry rode their own + horses or drove in their own coaches, and spent three days on a journey + which now occupies ten hours; so that there was no lack of company for a + person travelling towards Dublin. I made part of the journey from Carlow + towards Naas with a well-armed gentleman from Kilkenny, dressed in green + and a gold cord, with a patch on his eye, and riding a powerful mare. He + asked me the question of the day, and whither I was bound, and whether my + mother was not afraid on account of the highwaymen to let one so young as + myself to travel? But I said, pulling out one of them from a holster, that + I had a pair of good pistols that had already done execution, and were + ready to do it again; and here, a pock-marked man coming up, he put spurs + into his bay mare and left me. She was a much more powerful animal than + mine; and, besides, I did not wish to fatigue my horse, wishing to enter + Dublin that night, and in reputable condition. + </p> + <p> + As I rode towards Kilcullen, I saw a crowd of the peasant-people assembled + round a one-horse chair, and my friend in green, as I thought, making off + half a mile up the hill. A footman was howling ‘Stop thief!’ at the top of + his voice; but the country fellows were only laughing at his distress, and + making all sorts of jokes at the adventure which had just befallen. + </p> + <p> + ‘Sure you might have kept him off with your blunderBUSH!’ says one fellow. + </p> + <p> + ‘Oh, the coward! to let the Captain BATE you; and he only one eye!’ cries + another. + </p> + <p> + ‘The next time my Lady travels, she’d better lave you at home!’ said a + third. + </p> + <p> + ‘What is this noise, fellows?’ said I, riding up amongst them, and, seeing + a lady in the carriage very pale and frightened, gave a slash of my whip, + and bade the red-shanked ruffians keep off. ‘What has happened, madam, to + annoy your Ladyship?’ I said, pulling off my hat, and bringing my mare up + in a prance to the chair window. + </p> + <p> + The lady explained. She was the wife of Captain Fitzsimons, and was + hastening to join the Captain at Dublin. Her chair had been stopped by a + highway-man: the great oaf of a servant-man had fallen down on his knees + armed as he was; and though there were thirty people in the next field + working when the ruffian attacked her, not one of them would help her; + but, on the contrary, wished the Captain, as they called the highwayman, + good luck. + </p> + <p> + ‘Sure he’s the friend of the poor,’ said one fellow, ‘and good luck to + him!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Was it any business of ours?’ asked another. And another told, grinning, + that it was the famous Captain Freny, who, having bribed the jury to + acquit him two days back at Kilkenny assizes, had mounted his horse at the + gaol door, and the very next day had robbed two barristers who were going + the circuit. + </p> + <p> + I told this pack of rascals to be off to their work, or they should taste + of my thong, and proceeded, as well as I could, to comfort Mrs. Fitzsimons + under her misfortunes. ‘Had she lost much?’ ‘Everything: her purse, + containing upwards of a hundred guineas; her jewels, snuff-boxes, watches, + and a pair of diamond shoe-buckles of the Captain’s.’ These mishaps I + sincerely commiserated; and knowing her by her accent to be an + Englishwoman, deplored the difference that existed between the two + countries, and said that in OUR country (meaning England) such atrocities + were unknown. + </p> + <p> + ‘You, too, are an Englishman?’ said she, with rather a tone of surprise. + On which I said I was proud to be such: as, in fact, I was; and I never + knew a true Tory gentleman of Ireland who did not wish he could say as + much. + </p> + <p> + I rode by Mrs. Fitzsimon’s chair all the way to Naas; and, as she had been + robbed of her purse, asked permission to lend her a couple of pieces to + pay her expenses at the inn: which sum she was graciously pleased to + accept, and was, at the same time, kind enough to invite me to share her + dinner. To the lady’s questions regarding my birth and parentage, I + replied that I was a young gentleman of large fortune (this was not true; + but what is the use of crying bad fish? my dear mother instructed me early + in this sort of prudence) and good family in the county of Waterford; that + I was going to Dublin for my studies, and that my mother allowed me five + hundred per annum. Mrs. Fitzsimons was equally communicative. She was the + daughter of General Granby Somerset of Worcestershire, of whom, of course, + I had heard (and though I had not, of course I was too well-bred to say + so); and had made, as she must confess, a runaway match with Ensign + Fitzgerald Fitzsimons. Had I been in Donegal?—No! That was a pity. + The Captain’s father possesses a hundred thousand acres there, and + Fitzsimonsburgh Castle’s the finest mansion in Ireland. Captain Fitzsimons + is the eldest son; and, though he has quarrelled with his father, must + inherit the vast property. She went on to tell me about the balls at + Dublin, the banquets at the Castle, the horse-races at the Phoenix, the + ridottos and routs, until I became quite eager to join in those pleasures; + and I only felt grieved to think that my position would render secrecy + necessary, and prevent me from being presented at the Court, of which the + Fitzsimonses were the most elegant ornaments. How different was her lively + rattle to that of the vulgar wenches at the Kilwangan assemblies! In every + sentence she mentioned a lord or a person of quality. She evidently spoke + French and Italian, of the former of which languages I have said I knew a + few words; and, as for her English accent, why, perhaps I was no judge of + that, for, to say the truth, she was the first REAL English person I had + ever met. She recommended me, further, to be very cautious with regard to + the company I should meet at Dublin, where rogues and adventurers of all + countries abounded; and my delight and gratitude to her may be imagined, + when, as our conversation grew more intimate (as we sat over our dessert), + she kindly offered to accommodate me with lodgings in her own house, where + her Fitzsimons, she said, would welcome with delight her gallant young + preserver. + </p> + <p> + ‘Indeed, madam,’ said I, ‘I have preserved nothing for you.’ Which was + perfectly true; for had I not come up too late after the robbery to + prevent the highwayman from carrying off her money and pearls? + </p> + <p> + ‘And sure, ma’am, them wasn’t much,’ said Sullivan, the blundering + servant, who had been so frightened at Freny’s approach, and was waiting + on us at dinner. ‘Didn’t he return you the thirteenpence in copper, and + the watch, saying it was only pinch-beck?’ + </p> + <p> + But his lady rebuked him for a saucy varlet, and turned him out of the + room at once, saying to me when he had gone, ‘that the fool didn’t know + what was the meaning of a hundred-pound bill, which was in the pocket-book + that Freny took from her.’ + </p> + <p> + Perhaps had I been a little older in the world’s experience, I should have + begun to see that Madam Fitzsimons was not the person of fashion she + pretended to be; but, as it was, I took all her stories for truth, and, + when the landlord brought the bill for dinner, paid it with the air of a + lord. Indeed, she made no motion to produce the two pieces I had lent to + her; and so we rode on slowly towards Dublin, into which city we made our + entrance at nightfall. The rattle and splendour of the coaches, the flare + of the linkboys, the number and magnificence of the houses, struck me with + the greatest wonder; though I was careful to disguise this feeling, + according to my dear mother’s directions, who told me that it was the mark + of a man of fashion never to wonder at anything, and never to admit that + any house, equipage, or company he saw, was more splendid or genteel than + what he had been accustomed to at home. + </p> + <p> + We stopped, at length, at a house of rather mean appearance, and were let + into a passage by no means so clean as that at Barryville, where there was + a great smell of supper and punch. A stout red-faced man, without a + periwig, and in rather a tattered nightgown and cap, made his appearance + from the parlour, and embraced his lady (for it was Captain Fitzsimons) + with a great deal of cordiality. Indeed, when he saw that a stranger + accompanied her, he embraced her more rapturously than ever. In + introducing me, she persisted in saying that I was her preserver, and + complimented my gallantry as much as if I had killed Freny, instead of + coming up when the robbery was over. The Captain said he knew the Redmonds + of Waterford intimately well: which assertion alarmed me, as I knew + nothing of the family to which I was stated to belong. But I posed him, by + asking WHICH of the Redmonds he knew, for I had never heard his name in + our family. He said he knew the Redmonds of Redmondstown. ‘Oh,’ says I, + ‘mine are the Redmonds of Castle Redmond;’ and so I put him off the scent. + I went to see my nag put up at a livery-stable hard by, with the Captain’s + horse and chair, and returned to my entertainer. + </p> + <p> + Although there were the relics of some mutton-chops and onions on a + cracked dish before him, the Captain said, ‘My love, I wish I had known of + your coming, for Bob Moriarty and I just finished the most delicious + venison pasty, which his Grace the Lord Lieutenant sent us, with a flask + of Sillery from his own cellar. You know the wine, my dear? But as bygones + are bygones, and no help for them, what say ye to a fine lobster and a + bottle of as good claret as any in Ireland? Betty, clear these things from + the table, and make the mistress and our young friend welcome to our + home.’ + </p> + <p> + Not having small change, Mr. Fitzsimons asked me to lend him a + tenpenny-piece to purchase the dish of lobsters; but his lady, handing out + one of the guineas I had given her, bade the girl get the change for that, + and procure the supper; which she did presently, bringing back only a very + few shillings out of the guinea to her mistress, saying that the + fishmonger had kept the remainder for an old account. ‘And the more great + big blundering fool you, for giving the gold piece to him,’ roared Mr. + Fitzsimons. I forget how many hundred guineas he said he had paid the + fellow during the year. + </p> + <p> + Our supper was seasoned, if not by any great elegance, at least by a + plentiful store of anecdotes, concerning the highest personages of the + city; with whom, according to himself, the Captain lived on terms of the + utmost intimacy. Not to be behindhand with him, I spoke of my own estates + and property as if I was as rich as a duke. I told all the stories of the + nobility I had ever heard from my mother, and some that, perhaps, I had + invented; and ought to have been aware that my host was an impostor + himself, as he did not find out my own blunders and misstatements. But + youth is ever too confident. It was some time before I knew that I had + made no very desirable acquaintance in Captain Fitzsimons and his lady; + and, indeed, went to bed congratulating myself upon my wonderful good luck + in having, at the outset of my adventures, fallen in with so distinguished + a couple. + </p> + <p> + The appearance of the chamber I occupied might, indeed, have led me to + imagine that the heir of Fitzsimonsburgh Castle, county Donegal, was not + as yet reconciled with his wealthy parents; and, had I been an English + lad, probably my suspicion and distrust would have been aroused instantly. + But perhaps, as the reader knows, we are not so particular in Ireland on + the score of neatness as people are in this precise country; hence the + disorder of my bedchamber did not strike me so much. For were not all the + windows broken and stuffed with rags even at Castle Brady, my uncle’s + superb mansion? Was there ever a lock to the doors there, or if a lock, a + handle to the lock or a hasp to fasten it to? So, though my bedroom + boasted of these inconveniences, and a few more; though my counterpane was + evidently a greased brocade dress of Mrs. Fitzsimons’s, and my cracked + toilet-glass not much bigger than a half-crown, yet I was used to this + sort of ways in Irish houses, and still thought myself in that of a man of + fashion. There was no lock to the drawers, which, when they DID open, were + full of my hostess’s rouge-pots, shoes, stays, and rags; so I allowed my + wardrobe to remain in my valise, but set out my silver dressing-apparatus + upon the ragged cloth on the drawers, where it shone to great advantage. + </p> + <p> + When Sullivan appeared in the morning, I asked him about my mare, which he + informed me was doing well. I then bade him bring me hot shaving-water, in + a loud dignified tone. + </p> + <p> + ‘Hot shaving-water!’ says he, bursting out laughing (and I confess not + without reason). ‘Is it yourself you’re going to shave?’ said he. ‘And + maybe when I bring you up the water I’ll bring you up the cat too, and you + can shave her.’ I flung a boot at the scoundrel’s head in reply to this + impertinence, and was soon with my friends in the parlour for breakfast. + There was a hearty welcome, and the same cloth that had been used the + night before: as I recognised by the black mark of the Irish-stew dish, + and the stain left by a pot of porter at supper. + </p> + <p> + My host greeted me with great cordiality; Mrs. Fitzsimons said I was an + elegant figure for the Phoenix; and indeed, without vanity, I may say of + myself that there were worse-looking fellows in Dublin than I. I had not + the powerful chest and muscular proportion which I have since attained (to + be exchanged, alas! for gouty legs and chalk-stones in my fingers; but + ‘tis the way of mortality), but I had arrived at near my present growth of + six feet, and with my hair in buckle, a handsome lace jabot and wristbands + to my shirt, and a red plush waistcoat, barred with gold, looked the + gentleman I was born. I wore my drab coat with plate buttons, that was + grown too small for me, and quite agreed with Captain Fitzsimons that I + must pay a visit to his tailor, in order to procure myself a coat more + fitting my size. + </p> + <p> + ‘I needn’t ask whether you had a comfortable bed,’ said he. ‘Young Fred + Pimpleton (Lord Pimpleton’s second son) slept in it for seven months, + during which he did me the honour to stay with me, and if HE was + satisfied, I don’t know who else wouldn’t be.’ + </p> + <p> + After breakfast we walked out to see the town, and Mr. Fitzsimons + introduced me to several of his acquaintances whom we met, as his + particular young friend Mr. Redmond, of Waterford county; he also + presented me at his hatter’s and tailor’s as a gentleman of great + expectations and large property; and although I told the latter that I + should not pay him ready cash for more than one coat, which fitted me to a + nicety, yet he insisted upon making me several, which I did not care to + refuse. The Captain, also, who certainly wanted such a renewal of raiment, + told the tailor to send him home a handsome military frock, which he + selected. + </p> + <p> + Then we went home to Mrs. Fitzsimons, who drove out in her chair to the + Phoenix Park, where a review was, and where numbers of the young gentry + were round about her; to all of whom she presented me as her preserver of + the day before. Indeed, such was her complimentary account of me, that + before half-an-hour I had got to be considered as a young gentleman of the + highest family in the land, related to all the principal nobility, a + cousin of Captain Fitzsimons, and heir to L10,000 a year. Fitzsimons said + he had ridden over every inch of my estate; and ‘faith, as he chose to + tell these stories for me, I let him have his way—indeed, was not a + little pleased (as youth is) to be made much of, and to pass for a great + personage. I had little notion then that I had got among a set of + impostors—that Captain Fitzsimons was only an adventurer, and his + lady a person of no credit; but such are the dangers to which youth is + perpetually subject, and hence let young men take warning by me. + </p> + <p> + I purposely hurry over the description of my life in which the incidents + were painful, of no great interest except to my unlucky self, and of which + my companions were certainly not of a kind befitting my quality. The fact + was, a young man could hardly have fallen into worse hands than those in + which I now found myself. I have been to Donegal since, and have never + seen the famous Castle of Fitzsimonsburgh, which is, likewise, unknown to + the oldest inhabitants of that county; nor are the Granby Somersets much + better known in Worcestershire. The couple into whose hands I had fallen + were of a sort much more common then than at present, for the vast wars of + later days have rendered it very difficult for noblemen’s footmen or + hangers-on to procure commissions; and such, in fact, had been the + original station of Captain Fitzsimons. Had I known his origin, of course + I would have died rather than have associated with him: but in those + simple days of youth I took his tales for truth, and fancied myself in + high luck at being, at my outset into life, introduced into such a family. + Alas! we are the sport of destiny. When I consider upon what small + circumstances all the great events of my life have turned, I can hardly + believe myself to have been anything but a puppet in the hands of Fate; + which has played its most fantastic tricks upon me. + </p> + <p> + The Captain had been a gentleman’s gentleman, and his lady of no higher + rank. The society which this worthy pair kept was at a sort of ordinary + which they held, and at which their friends were always welcome on payment + of a certain moderate sum for their dinner. After dinner, you may be sure + that cards were not wanting, and that the company who played did not play + for love merely. To these parties persons of all sorts would come: young + bloods from the regiments garrisoned in Dublin: young clerks from the + Castle; horse-riding, wine-tippling, watchman-beating men of fashion about + town, such as existed in Dublin in that day more than in any other city + with which I am acquainted in Europe. I never knew young fellows make such + a show, and upon such small means. I never knew young gentlemen with what + I may call such a genius for idleness; and whereas an Englishman with + fifty guineas a year is not able to do much more than starve, and toil + like a slave in a profession, a young Irish buck with the same sum will + keep his horses, and drink his bottle, and live as lazy as a lord. Here + was a doctor who never had a patient, cheek by jowl with an attorney who + never had a client: neither had a guinea—each had a good horse to + ride in the Park, and the best of clothes to his back. A sporting + clergyman without a living; several young wine-merchants, who consumed + much more liquor than they had or sold; and men of similar character, + formed the society at the house into which, by ill luck, I was thrown. + What could happen to a man but misfortune from associating with such + company?—(I have not mentioned the ladies of the society, who were, + perhaps, no better than the males)—and in a very very short time I + became their prey. + </p> + <p> + As for my poor twenty guineas, in three days I saw, with terror, that they + had dwindled down to eight: theatres and taverns having already made such + cruel inroads in my purse. At play I had lost, it is true, a couple of + pieces; but seeing that every one round about me played upon honour and + gave their bills, I, of course, preferred that medium to the payment of + ready money, and when I lost paid on account. + </p> + <p> + With the tailors, saddlers, and others, I employed similar means; and in + so far Mr. Fitzsimons’s representation did me good, for the tradesmen took + him at his word regarding my fortune (I have since learned that the rascal + pigeoned several other young men of property), and for a little time + supplied me with any goods I might be pleased to order. At length, my cash + running low, I was compelled to pawn some of the suits with which the + tailor had provided me; for I did not like to part with my mare, on which + I daily rode in the Park, and which I loved as the gift of my respected + uncle. I raised some little money, too, on a few trinkets which I had + purchased of a jeweller who pressed his credit upon me; and thus was + enabled to keep up appearances for yet a little time. + </p> + <p> + I asked at the post-office repeatedly for letters for Mr. Redmond, but + none such had arrived; and, indeed, I always felt rather relieved when the + answer of ‘No’ was given to me; for I was not very anxious that my mother + should know my proceedings in the extravagant life which I was leading at + Dublin. It could not last very long, however; for when my cash was quite + exhausted, and I paid a second visit to the tailor, requesting him to make + me more clothes, the fellow hummed and ha’d, and had the impudence to ask + payment for those already supplied: on which, telling him I should + withdraw my custom from him, I abruptly left him. The goldsmith too (a + rascal Jew) declined to let me take a gold chain to which I had a fancy; + and I felt now, for the first time, in some perplexity. To add to it, one + of the young gentlemen who frequented Mr. Fitzsimons’s boarding-house had + received from me, in the way of play, an IOU for eighteen pounds (which I + lost to him at piquet), and which, owing Mr. Curbyn, the livery-stable + keeper, a bill, he passed into that person’s hands. Fancy my rage and + astonishment, then, on going for my mare, to find that he positively + refused to let me have her out of the stable, except under payment of my + promissory note! It was in vain that I offered him his choice of four + notes that I had in my pocket—one of Fitzsimons’s for L20, one of + Counsellor Mulligan’s, and so forth; the dealer, who was a Yorkshireman, + shook his head, and laughed at every one of them; and said, ‘I tell you + what, Master Redmond, you appear a young fellow of birth and fortune, and + let me whisper in your ear that you have fallen into very bad hands—it’s + a regular gang of swindlers; and a gentleman of your rank and quality + should never be seen in such company. Go home: pack up your valise, pay + the little trifle to me, mount your mare, and ride back again to your + parents,—it’s the very best thing you can do.’ + </p> + <p> + In a pretty nest of villains, indeed, was I plunged! It seemed as if all + my misfortunes were to break on me at once; for, on going home and + ascending to my bedroom in a disconsolate way, I found the Captain and his + lady there before me, my valise open, my wardrobe lying on the ground, and + my keys in the possession of the odious Fitzsimons. ‘Whom have I been + harbouring in my house?’ roared he, as I entered the apartment. ‘Who are + you, sirrah?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘SIRRAH! Sir,’ said I, ‘I am as good a gentleman as any in Ireland.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘You’re an impostor, young man: a schemer, a deceiver!’ shouted the + Captain. + </p> + <p> + ‘Repeat the words again, and I will run you through the body,’ replied I. + </p> + <p> + ‘Tut, tut! I can play at fencing as well as you, Mr. REDMOND BARRY. Ah! + you change colour, do you—your secret is known, is it? You come like + a viper into the bosom of innocent families; you represent yourself as the + heir of my friends the Redmonds of Castle Redmond; I inthrojuice you to + the nobility and genthry of this methropolis’ (the Captain’s brogue was + large, and his words, by preference, long); ‘I take you to my tradesmen, + who give you credit, and what do I find? That you have pawned the goods + which you took up at their houses.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I have given them my acceptances, sir,’ said I with a dignified air. + </p> + <p> + ‘UNDER WHAT NAME, unhappy boy—under what name?’ screamed Mrs. + Fitzsimons; and then, indeed, I remembered that I had signed the documents + Barry Redmond instead of Redmond Barry: but what else could I do? Had not + my mother desired me to take no other designation? After uttering a + furious tirade against me, in which he spoke of the fatal discovery of my + real name on my linen—of his misplaced confidence of affection, and + the shame with which he should be obliged to meet his fashionable friends + and confess that he had harboured a swindler, he gathered up the linen, + clothes, silver toilet articles, and the rest of my gear, saying that he + should step out that moment for an officer and give me up to the just + revenge of the law. + </p> + <p> + During the first part of his speech, the thought of the imprudence of + which I had been guilty, and the predicament in which I was plunged, had + so puzzled and confounded me, that I had not uttered a word in reply to + the fellow’s abuse, but had stood quite dumb before him. The sense of + danger, however, at once roused me to action. ‘Hark ye, Mr. Fitzsimons,’ + said I; ‘I will tell you why I was obliged to alter my name: which is + Barry, and the best name in Ireland. I changed it, sir, because, on the + day before I came to Dublin, I killed a man in deadly combat—an + Englishman, sir, and a captain in His Majesty’s service; and if you offer + to let or hinder me in the slightest way, the same arm which destroyed him + is ready to punish you; and by Heaven, sir, you or I don’t leave this room + alive!’ + </p> + <p> + So saying, I drew my sword like lightning, and giving a ‘ha! ha!’ and a + stamp with my foot, lunged within an inch of Fitzsimons’s heart, who + started back and turned deadly pale, while his wife, with a scream, flung + herself between us. + </p> + <p> + ‘Dearest Redmond,’ she cried, ‘be pacified. Fitzsimons, you don’t want the + poor child’s blood. Let him escape—in Heaven’s name let him go.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘He may go hang for me,’ said Fitzsimons sulkily; ‘and he’d better be off + quickly, too, for the jeweller and the tailor have called once, and will + be here again before long. It was Moses the pawnbroker that peached: I had + the news from him myself.’ By which I conclude that Mr. Fitzsimons had + been with the new laced frock-coat which he procured from the merchant + tailor on the day when the latter first gave me credit. + </p> + <p> + What was the end of our conversation? Where was now a home for the + descendant of the Barrys? Home was shut to me by my misfortune in the + duel. I was expelled from Dublin by a persecution occasioned, I must + confess, by my own imprudence. I had no time to wait and choose: no place + of refuge to fly to. Fitzsimons, after his abuse of me, left the room + growling, but not hostile; his wife insisted that we should shake hands, + and he promised not to molest me. Indeed, I owed the fellow nothing; and, + on the contrary, had his acceptance actually in my pocket for money lost + at play. As for my friend Mrs. Fitzsimons, she sat down on the bed and + fairly burst out crying. She had her faults, but her heart was kind; and + though she possessed but three shillings in the world, and fourpence in + copper, the poor soul made me take it before I left her—to go—whither? + My mind was made up: there was a score of recruiting-parties in the town + beating up for men to join our gallant armies in America and Germany; I + knew where to find one of these, having stood by the sergeant at a review + in the Phoenix Park, where he pointed out to me characters on the field, + for which I treated him to drink. + </p> + <p> + I gave one of my shillings to Sullivan the butler of the Fitzsimonses, + and, running into the street, hastened to the little alehouse at which my + acquaintance was quartered, and before ten minutes had accepted His + Majesty’s shilling. I told him frankly that I was a young gentleman in + difficulties; that I had killed an officer in a duel, and was anxious to + get out of the country. But I need not have troubled myself with any + explanations; King George was too much in want of men then to heed from + whence they came, and a fellow of my inches, the sergeant said, was always + welcome. Indeed, I could not, he said, have chosen my time better. A + transport was lying at Dunleary, waiting for a wind, and on board that + ship, to which I marched that night, I made some surprising discoveries, + which shall be told in the next chapter. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0004" id="link2HCH0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER IV. IN WHICH BARRY TAKES A NEAR VIEW OF MILITARY GLORY + </h2> + <p> + I never had a taste for anything but genteel company, and hate all + descriptions of low life. Hence my account of the society in which I at + present found myself must of necessity be short; and, indeed, the + recollection of it is profoundly disagreeable to me. Pah! the + reminiscences of the horrid black-hole of a place in which we soldiers + were confined; of the wretched creatures with whom I was now forced to + keep company; of the ploughmen, poachers, pickpockets, who had taken + refuge from poverty, or the law (as, in truth, I had done myself), is + enough to make me ashamed even now, and it calls the blush into my old + cheeks to think I was ever forced to keep such company. I should have + fallen into despair, but that, luckily, events occurred to rouse my + spirits, and in some measure to console me for my misfortunes. + </p> + <p> + The first of these consolations I had was a good quarrel, which took place + on the day after my entrance into the transport-ship, with a huge + red-haired monster of a fellow—a chairman, who had enlisted to fly + from a vixen of a wife, who, boxer as he was, had been more than a match + for him. As soon as this fellow—Toole, I remember, was his name—got + away from the arms of the washerwoman his lady, his natural courage and + ferocity returned, and he became the tyrant of all round about him. All + recruits, especially, were the object of the brute’s insult and + ill-treatment. + </p> + <p> + I had no money, as I said, and was sitting very disconsolately over a + platter of rancid bacon and mouldy biscuit, which was served to us at + mess, when it came to my turn to be helped to drink, and I was served, + like the rest, with a dirty tin noggin, containing somewhat more than half + a pint of rum-and-water. The beaker was so greasy and filthy that I could + not help turning round to the messman and saying, ‘Fellow, get me a + glass!’ At which all the wretches round about me burst into a roar of + laughter, the very loudest among them being, of course, Mr. Toole. ‘Get + the gentleman a towel for his hands, and serve him a basin of + turtle-soup,’ roared the monster, who was sitting, or rather squatting, on + the deck opposite me; and as he spoke he suddenly seized my beaker of grog + and emptied it, in the midst of another burst of applause. + </p> + <p> + ‘If you want to vex him, ax him about his wife the washerwoman, who BATES + him,’ here whispered in my ear another worthy, a retired link-boy, who, + disgusted with his profession, had adopted the military life. + </p> + <p> + ‘Is it a towel of your wife’s washing, Mr. Toole?’ said I. ‘I’m told she + wiped your face often with one.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Ax him why he wouldn’t see her yesterday, when she came to the ship,’ + continued the link-boy. And so I put to him some other foolish jokes about + soapsuds, henpecking, and flat-irons, which set the man into a fury, and + succeeded in raising a quarrel between us. We should have fallen to at + once, but a couple of grinning marines, who kept watch at the door, for + fear we should repent of our bargain and have a fancy to escape, came + forward and interposed between us with fixed bayonets; but the sergeant + coming down the ladder, and hearing the dispute, condescended to say that + we might fight it out like men with FISTES if we chose, and that the + fore-deck should be free to us for that purpose. But the use of fistes, as + the Englishman called them, was not then general in Ireland, and it was + agreed that we should have a pair of cudgels; with one of which weapons I + finished the fellow in four minutes, giving him a thump across his stupid + sconce which laid him lifeless on the deck, and not receiving myself a + single hurt of consequence. + </p> + <p> + This victory over the cock of the vile dunghill obtained me respect among + the wretches of whom I formed part, and served to set up my spirits, which + otherwise were flagging; and my position was speedily made more bearable + by the arrival on board our ship of an old friend. This was no other than + my second in the fatal duel which had sent me thus early out into the + world, Captain Fagan. There was a young nobleman who had a company in our + regiment (Gale’s foot), and who, preferring the delights of the Mall and + the clubs to the dangers of a rough campaign, had given Fagan the + opportunity of an exchange; which, as the latter had no fortune but his + sword, he was glad to make. The sergeant was putting us through our + exercise on deck (the seamen and officers of the transport looking + grinning on) when a boat came from the shore bringing our captain to the + ship; and though I started and blushed red as he recognised me—a + descendant of the Barrys—in this degrading posture, I promise you + that the sight of Fagan’s face was most welcome to me, for it assured me + that a friend was near me. Before that I was so melancholy that I would + certainly have deserted had I found the means, and had not the inevitable + marines kept a watch to prevent any such escapes. Fagan gave me a wink of + recognition, but offered no public token of acquaintance; it was not until + two days afterwards, and when we had bidden adieu to old Ireland and were + standing out to sea, that he called me into his cabin, and then, shaking + hands with me cordially, gave me news, which I much wanted, of my family. + ‘I had news of you in Dublin,’ he said. ‘’Faith you’ve begun early, like + your father’s son; and I think you could not do better than as you have + done. But why did you not write home to your poor mother? She has sent a + half-dozen letters to you at Dublin.’ + </p> + <p> + I said I had asked for letters at the post-office, but there were none for + Mr. Redmond. I did not like to add that I had been ashamed, after the + first week, to write to my mother. + </p> + <p> + ‘We must write to her by the pilot,’ said he, ‘who will leave us in two + hours; and you can tell her that you are safe, and married to Brown Bess.’ + I sighed when he talked about being married; on which he said with a + laugh, ‘I see you are thinking of a certain young lady at Brady’s Town.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Is Miss Brady well?’ said I; and indeed, could hardly utter it, for I + certainly WAS thinking about her: for, though I had forgotten her in the + gaieties of Dublin, I have always found adversity makes man very + affectionate. + </p> + <p> + ‘There’s only seven Miss Bradys now,’ answered Fagan, in a solemn voice. + ‘Poor Nora’— + </p> + <p> + ‘Good heavens! what of her?’ I thought grief had killed her. + </p> + <p> + ‘She took on so at your going away that she was obliged to console herself + with a husband. She’s now Mrs. John Quin.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Mrs. John Quin! Was there ANOTHER Mr. John Quin?’ asked I, quite + wonder-stricken. + </p> + <p> + ‘No; the very same one, my boy. He recovered from his wound. The ball you + hit him with was not likely to hurt him. It was only made of tow. Do you + think the Bradys would let you kill fifteen hundred a year out of the + family?’ And then Fagan further told me that, in order to get me out of + the way—for the cowardly Englishman could never be brought to marry + from fear of me—the plan of the duel had been arranged. ‘But hit him + you certainly did, Redmond, and with a fine thick plugget of tow; and the + fellow was so frightened, that he was an hour in coming to. We told your + mother the story afterwards, and a pretty scene she made; she despatched a + half-score of letters to Dublin after you, but I suppose addressed them to + you in your real name, by which you never thought to ask for them.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘The coward!’ said I (though, I confess, my mind was considerably relieved + at the thoughts of not having killed him). ‘And did the Bradys of Castle + Brady consent to admit a poltroon like that into one of the most ancient + and honourable families in the world?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘He has paid off your uncle’s mortgage,’ said Fagan; ‘he gives Nora a + coach-and-six; he is to sell out, and Lieutenant Ulick Brady of the + Militia is to purchase his company. That coward of a fellow has been the + making of your uncle’s family. ‘Faith! the business was well done.’ And + then, laughing, he told me how Mick and Ulick had never let him out of + their sight, although he was for deserting to England, until the marriage + was completed and the happy couple off on their road to Dublin. ‘Are you + in want of cash, my boy?’ continued the good-natured Captain. ‘You may + draw upon me, for I got a couple of hundred out of Master Quin for my + share, and while they last you shall never want.’ + </p> + <p> + And so he bade me sit down and write a letter to my mother, which I did + forthwith in very sincere and repentant terms, stating that I had been + guilty of extravagances, that I had not known until that moment under what + a fatal error I had been labouring, and that I had embarked for Germany as + a volunteer. The letter was scarcely finished when the pilot sang out that + he was going on shore; and he departed, taking with him, from many an + anxious fellow besides myself, our adieux to friends in old Ireland. + </p> + <p> + Although I was called Captain Barry for many years of my life, and have + been known as such by the first people of Europe, yet I may as well + confess I had no more claim to the title than many a gentleman who assumes + it, and never had a right to an epaulet, or to any military decoration + higher than a corporal’s stripe of worsted. I was made corporal by Fagan + during our voyage to the Elbe, and my rank was confirmed on TERRA FIRMA. I + was promised a halbert, too, and afterwards, perhaps, an ensigncy, if I + distinguished myself; but Fate did not intend that I should remain long an + English soldier: as shall appear presently. Meanwhile, our passage was + very favourable; my adventures were told by Fagan to his brother officers, + who treated me with kindness; and my victory over the big chairman + procured me respect from my comrades of the fore-deck. Encouraged and + strongly exhorted by Fagan, I did my duty resolutely; but, though affable + and good-humoured with the men, I never at first condescended to associate + with such low fellows: and, indeed, was called generally amongst them ‘my + Lord.’ I believe it was the ex-link-boy, a facetious knave, who gave me + the title; and I felt that I should become such a rank as well as any peer + in the kingdom. + </p> + <p> + It would require a greater philosopher and historian than I am to explain + the causes of the famous Seven Years’ War in which Europe was engaged; + and, indeed, its origin has always appeared to me to be so complicated, + and the books written about it so amazingly hard to understand, that I + have seldom been much wiser at the end of a chapter than at the beginning, + and so shall not trouble my reader with any personal disquisitions + concerning the matter. All I know is, that after His Majesty’s love of his + Hanoverian dominions had rendered him most unpopular in his English + kingdom, with Mr. Pitt at the head of the anti-German war-party, all of a + sudden, Mr. Pitt becoming Minister, the rest of the empire applauded the + war as much as they had hated it before. The victories of Dettingen and + Crefeld were in every-body’s mouths, and ‘the Protestant hero,’ as we used + to call the godless old Frederick of Prussia, was adored by us as a saint, + a very short time after we had been about to make war against him in + alliance with the Empress-queen. Now, somehow, we were on Frederick’s + side: the Empress, the French, the Swedes, and the Russians, were leagued + against us; and I remember, when the news of the battle of Lissa came even + to our remote quarter of Ireland, we considered it as a triumph for the + cause of Protestantism, and illuminated and bonfired, and had a sermon at + church, and kept the Prussian king’s birthday; on which my uncle would get + drunk: as indeed on any other occasion. Most of the low fellows enlisted + with myself were, of course, Papists (the English army was filled with + such, out of that never-failing country of ours), and these, forsooth, + were fighting the battles of Protestantism with Frederick; who was + belabouring the Protestant Swedes and the Protestant Saxons, as well as + the Russians of the Greek Church, and the Papist troops of the Emperor and + the King of France. It was against these latter that the English + auxiliaries were employed, and we know that, be the quarrel what it may, + an Englishman and a Frenchman are pretty willing to make a fight of it. + </p> + <p> + We landed at Cuxhaven, and before I had been a month in the Electorate I + was transformed into a tall and proper young soldier, and having a natural + aptitude for military exercise, was soon as accomplished at the drill as + the oldest sergeant in the regiment. It is well, however, to dream of + glorious war in a snug arm-chair at home; ay, or to make it as an officer, + surrounded by gentlemen, gorgeously dressed, and cheered by chances of + promotion. But those chances do not shine on poor fellows in worsted lace: + the rough texture of our red coats made me ashamed when I saw an officer + go by; my soul used to shudder when, on going the rounds, I would hear + their voices as they sat jovially over the mess-table; my pride revolted + at being obliged to plaster my hair with flour and candle-grease, instead + of using the proper pomatum for a gentleman. Yes, my tastes have always + been high and fashionable, and I loathed the horrid company in which I was + fallen. What chances had I of promotion? None of my relatives had money to + buy me a commission, and I became soon so low-spirited, that I longed for + a general action and a ball to finish me, and vowed that I would take some + opportunity to desert. + </p> + <p> + When I think that I, the descendant of the kings of Ireland, was + threatened with a caning by a young scoundrel who had just joined from + Eton College—when I think that he offered to make me his footman, + and that I did not, on either occasion, murder him! On the first occasion + I burst into tears (I do not care to own it) and had serious thoughts of + committing suicide, so great was my mortification. But my kind friend + Fagan came to my aid in the circumstance, with some very timely + consolation. ‘My poor boy,’ said he, ‘you must not take the matter to + heart so. Caning is only a relative disgrace. Young Ensign Fakenham was + flogged himself at Eton School only a month ago: I would lay a wager that + his scars are not yet healed. You must cheer up, my boy; do your duty, be + a gentleman, and no serious harm can fall on you.’ And I heard afterwards + that my champion had taken Mr. Fakenham very severely to task for this + threat, and said to him that any such proceedings for the future he should + consider as an insult to himself; whereon the young ensign was, for the + moment, civil. As for the sergeants, I told one of them, that if any man + struck me, no matter who he might be, or what the penalty, I would take + his life. And, ‘faith! there was an air of sincerity in my speech which + convinced the whole bevy of them; and as long as I remained in the English + service no rattan was ever laid on the shoulders of Redmond Barry. Indeed, + I was in that savage moody state, that my mind was quite made up to the + point, and I looked to hear my own dead march played as sure as I was + alive. When I was made a corporal, some of my evils were lessened; I + messed with the sergeants by special favour, and used to treat them to + drink, and lose money to the rascals at play: with which cash my good + friend Mr. Fagan punctually supplied me. + </p> + <p> + Our regiment, which was quartered about Stade and Luneburg, speedily got + orders to march southwards towards the Rhine, for news came that our great + General, Prince Ferdinand of Brunswick, had been defeated—no, not + defeated, but foiled in his attack upon the French under the Duke of + Broglio, at Bergen, near Frankfort-on-the-Main, and had been obliged to + fall back. As the allies retreated the French rushed forward, and made a + bold push for the Electorate of our gracious monarch in Hanover, + threatening that they would occupy it; as they had done before, when + D’Estrees beat the hero of Culloden, the gallant Duke of Cumberland, and + caused him to sign the capitulation of Closter Zeven. An advance upon + Hanover always caused a great agitation in the Royal bosom of the King of + England; more troops were sent to join us, convoys of treasure were passed + over to our forces, and to our ally’s the King of Prussia; and although, + in spite of all assistance, the army under Prince Ferdinand was very much + weaker than that of the invading enemy, yet we had the advantage of better + supplies, one of the greatest Generals in the world: and, I was going to + add, of British valour, but the less we say about THAT the better. My Lord + George Sackville did not exactly cover himself with laurels at Minden; + otherwise there might have been won there one of the greatest victories of + modern times. + </p> + <p> + Throwing himself between the French and the interior of the Electorate, + Prince Ferdinand wisely took possession of the free town of Bremen, which + he made his storehouse and place of arms; and round which he gathered all + his troops, making ready to fight the famous battle of Minden. + </p> + <p> + Were these Memoirs not characterised by truth, and did I deign to utter a + single word for which my own personal experience did not give me the + fullest authority, I might easily make myself the hero of some strange and + popular adventures, and, after the fashion of novel-writers, introduce my + reader to the great characters of this remarkable time. These persons (I + mean the romance-writers), if they take a drummer or a dustman for a hero, + somehow manage to bring him in contact with the greatest lords and most + notorious personages of the empire; and I warrant me there’s not one of + them but, in describing the battle of Minden, would manage to bring Prince + Ferdinand, and my Lord George Sackville, and my Lord Granby, into + presence. It would have been easy for me to have SAID I was present when + the orders were brought to Lord George to charge with the cavalry and + finish the rout of the Frenchmen, and when he refused to do so, and + thereby spoiled the great victory. But the fact is, I was two miles off + from the cavalry when his Lordship’s fatal hesitation took place, and none + of us soldiers of the line knew of what had occurred until we came to talk + about the fight over our kettles in the evening, and repose after the + labours of a hard-fought day. I saw no one of higher rank that day than my + colonel and a couple of orderly officers riding by in the smoke—no + one on our side, that is. A poor corporal (as I then had the disgrace of + being) is not generally invited into the company of commanders and the + great; but, in revenge, I saw, I promise you, some very good company on + the FRENCH part, for their regiments of Lorraine and Royal Cravate were + charging us all day; and in THAT sort of MELEE high and low are pretty + equally received. I hate bragging, but I cannot help saying that I made a + very close acquaintance with the colonel of the Cravates; for I drove my + bayonet into his body, and finished off a poor little ensign, so young, + slender, and small, that a blow from my pigtail would have despatched him, + I think, in place of the butt of my musket, with which I clubbed him down. + I killed, besides, four more officers and men, and in the poor ensign’s + pocket found a purse of fourteen louis-d’or, and a silver box of + sugar-plums; of which the former present was very agreeable to me. If + people would tell their stories of battles in this simple way, I think the + cause of truth would not suffer by it. All I know of this famous fight of + Minden (except from books) is told here above. The ensign’s silver bon-bon + box and his purse of gold; the livid face of the poor fellow as he fell; + the huzzas of the men of my company as I went out under a smart fire and + rifled him; their shouts and curses as we came hand in hand with the + Frenchmen,—these are, in truth, not very dignified recollections, + and had best be passed over briefly. When my kind friend Fagan was shot, a + brother captain, and his very good friend, turned to Lieutenant Rawson and + said, ‘Fagan’s down; Rawson, there’s your company.’ It was all the epitaph + my brave patron got. ‘I should have left you a hundred guineas, Redmond,’ + were his last words to me, ‘but for a cursed run of ill luck last night at + faro.’ And he gave me a faint squeeze of the hand; then, as the word was + given to advance, I left him. When we came back to our old ground, which + we presently did, he was lying there still; but he was dead. Some of our + people had already torn off his epaulets, and, no doubt, had rifled his + purse. Such knaves and ruffians do men in war become! It is well for + gentlemen to talk of the age of chivalry; but remember the starving brutes + whom they lead—men nursed in poverty, entirely ignorant, made to + take a pride in deeds of blood—men who can have no amusement but in + drunkenness, debauch, and plunder. It is with these shocking instruments + that your great warriors and kings have been doing their murderous work in + the world; and while, for instance, we are at the present moment admiring + the ‘Great Frederick,’ as we call him, and his philosophy, and his + liberality, and his military genius, I, who have served him, and been, as + it were, behind the scenes of which that great spectacle is composed, can + only look at it with horror. What a number of items of human crime, + misery, slavery, go to form that sum-total of glory! I can recollect a + certain day about three weeks after the battle of Minden, and a farmhouse + in which some of us entered; and how the old woman and her daughters + served us, trembling, to wine; and how we got drunk over the wine, and the + house was in a flame, presently; and woe betide the wretched fellow + afterwards who came home to look for his house and his children! + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0005" id="link2HCH0005"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER V. BARRY FAR FROM MILITARY GLORY + </h2> + <p> + After the death of my protector, Captain Fagan, I am forced to confess + that I fell into the very worst of courses and company. Being a rough + soldier of fortune himself, he had never been a favourite with the + officers of his regiment; who had a contempt for Irishmen, as Englishmen + sometimes will have, and used to mock his brogue, and his blunt uncouth + manners. I had been insolent to one or two of them, and had only been + screened from punishment by his intercession; especially his successor, + Mr. Rawson, had no liking for me, and put another man into the sergeant’s + place vacant in his company after the battle of Minden. This act of + injustice rendered my service very disagreeable to me; and, instead of + seeking to conquer the dislike of my superiors, and win their goodwill by + good behaviour, I only sought for means to make my situation easier to me, + and grasped at all the amusements in my power. In a foreign country, with + the enemy before us, and the people continually under contribution from + one side or the other, numberless irregularities were permitted to the + troops which would not have been allowed in more peaceable times. I + descended gradually to mix with the sergeants, and to share their + amusements: drinking and gambling were, I am sorry to say, our principal + pastimes; and I fell so readily into their ways, that though only a young + lad of seventeen, I was the master of them all in daring wickedness; + though there were some among them who, I promise you, were far advanced in + the science of every kind of profligacy. I should have been under the + provost-marshal’s hands, for a dead certainty, had I continued much longer + in the army: but an accident occurred which took me out of the English + service in rather a singular manner. + </p> + <p> + The year in which George II died, our regiment had the honour to be + present at the battle of Warburg (where the Marquis of Granby and his + horse fully retrieved the discredit which had fallen upon the cavalry + since Lord George Sackville’s defalcation at Minden), and where Prince + Ferdinand once more completely defeated the Frenchmen. During the action, + my lieutenant, Mr. Fakenham, of Fakenham, the gentleman who had threatened + me, it may be remembered, with the caning, was struck by a musket-ball in + the side. He had shown no want of courage in this or any other occasion + where he had been called upon to act against the French; but this was his + first wound, and the young gentleman was exceedingly frightened by it. He + offered five guineas to be carried into the town, which was hard by; and I + and another man, taking him up in a cloak, managed to transport him into a + place of decent appearance, where we put him to bed, and where a young + surgeon (who desired nothing better than to take himself out of the fire + of the musketry) went presently to dress his wound. + </p> + <p> + In order to get into the house, we had been obliged, it must be confessed, + to fire into the locks with our pieces; which summons brought an + inhabitant of the house to the door, a very pretty and black-eyed young + woman, who lived there with her old half-blind father, a retired + Jagdmeister of the Duke of Cassel, hard by. When the French were in the + town, Meinherr’s house had suffered like those of his neighbours; and he + was at first exceedingly unwilling to accommodate his guests. But the + first knocking at the door had the effect of bringing a speedy answer; and + Mr. Fakenham, taking a couple of guineas out of a very full purse, + speedily convinced the people that they had only to deal with a person of + honour. + </p> + <p> + Leaving the doctor (who was very glad to stop) with his patient, who paid + me the stipulated reward, I was returning to my regiment with my other + comrade—after having paid, in my German jargon, some deserved + compliments to the black-eyed beauty of Warburg, and thinking, with no + small envy, how comfortable it would be to be billeted there—when + the private who was with me cut short my reveries by suggesting that we + should divide the five guineas the lieutenant had given me. + </p> + <p> + ‘There is your share,’ said I, giving the fellow one piece; which was + plenty, as I was the leader of the expedition. But he swore a dreadful + oath that he would have half; and when I told him to go to a quarter which + I shall not name, the fellow, lifting his musket, hit me a blow with the + butt-end of it, which sent me lifeless to the ground: when I awoke from my + trance, I found myself bleeding with a large wound in the head, and had + barely time to stagger back to the house where I had left the lieutenant, + when I again fell fainting at the door. + </p> + <p> + Here I must have been discovered by the surgeon on his issuing out; for + when I awoke a second time I found myself in the ground-floor of the + house, supported by the black-eyed girl, while the surgeon was copiously + bleeding me at the arm. There was another bed in the room where the + lieutenant had been laid,—it was that occupied by Gretel, the + servant; while Lischen, as my fair one was called, had, till now, slept in + the couch where the wounded officer lay. + </p> + <p> + ‘Who are you putting into that bed?’ said he languidly, in German; for the + ball had been extracted from his side with much pain and loss of blood. + </p> + <p> + They told him it was the corporal who had brought him. + </p> + <p> + ‘A corporal?’ said he, in English; ‘turn him out.’ And you may be sure I + felt highly complimented by the words. But we were both too faint to + compliment or to abuse each other much, and I was put to bed carefully; + and, on being undressed, had an opportunity to find that my pockets had + been rifled by the English soldier after he had knocked me down. However, + I was in good quarters: the young lady who sheltered me presently brought + me a refreshing drink; and, as I took it, I could not help pressing the + kind hand that gave it me; nor, in truth, did this token of my gratitude + seem unwelcome. + </p> + <p> + This intimacy did not decrease with further acquaintance. I found Lischen + the tenderest of nurses. Whenever any delicacy was to be provided for the + wounded lieutenant, a share was always sent to the bed opposite his, and + to the avaricious man’s no small annoyance. His illness was long. On the + second day the fever declared itself; for some nights he was delirious; + and I remember it was when a commanding officer was inspecting our + quarters, with an intention, very likely, of billeting himself on the + house, that the howling and mad words of the patient overhead struck him, + and he retired rather frightened. I had been sitting up very comfortably + in the lower apartment, for my hurt was quite subsided; and it was only + when the officer asked me, with a rough voice, why I was not at my + regiment, that I began to reflect how pleasant my quarters were to me, and + that I was much better here than crawling under an odious tent with a + parcel of tipsy soldiers, or going the night-rounds or rising long before + daybreak for drill. + </p> + <p> + The delirium of Mr. Fakenham gave me a hint, and I determined forthwith to + GO MAD. There was a poor fellow about Brady’s Town called ‘Wandering + Billy,’ whose insane pranks I had often mimicked as a lad, and I again put + them in practice. That night I made an attempt upon Lischen, saluting her + with a yell and a grin which frightened her almost out of her wits; and + when anybody came I was raving. The blow on the head had disordered my + brain; the doctor was ready to vouch for this fact. One night I whispered + to him that I was Julius Caesar, and considered him to be my affianced + wife Queen Cleopatra, which convinced him of my insanity. Indeed, if Her + Majesty had been like my Aesculapius, she must have had a carroty beard, + such as is rare in Egypt. + </p> + <p> + A movement on the part of the French speedily caused an advance on our + part. The town was evacuated, except by a few Prussian troops, whose + surgeons were to visit the wounded in the place; and, when we were well, + we were to be drafted to our regiments. I determined that I never would + join mine again. My intention was to make for Holland, almost the only + neutral country of Europe in those times, and thence to get a passage + somehow to England, and home to dear old Brady’s Town. + </p> + <p> + If Mr. Fakenham is now alive, I here tender him my apologies for my + conduct to him. He was very rich; he used me very ill. I managed to + frighten away his servant who came to attend him after the affair of + Warburg, and from that time would sometimes condescend to wait upon the + patient, who always treated me with scorn; but it was my object to have + him alone, and I bore his brutality with the utmost civility and mildness, + meditating in my own mind a very pretty return for all his favours to me. + Nor was I the only person in the house to whom the worthy gentleman was + uncivil. He ordered the fair Lischen hither and thither, made impertinent + love to her, abused her soups, quarrelled with her omelettes, and grudged + the money which was laid out for his maintenance; so that our hostess + detested him as much as, I think, without vanity, she regarded me. + </p> + <p> + For, if the truth must be told, I had made very deep love to her during my + stay under her roof; as is always my way with women, of whatever age or + degree of beauty. To a man who has to make his way in the world, these + dear girls can always be useful in one fashion or another; never mind, if + they repel your passion; at any rate, they are not offended with your + declaration of it, and only look upon you with more favourable eyes in + consequence of your misfortune. As for Lischen, I told her such a pathetic + story of my life (a tale a great deal more romantic than that here + narrated,—for I did not restrict myself to the exact truth in that + history, as in these pages I am bound to do), that I won the poor girl’s + heart entirely, and, besides, made considerable progress in the German + language under her instruction. Do not think me very cruel and heartless, + ladies; this heart of Lischen’s was like many a town in the neighbourhood + in which she dwelt, and had been stormed and occupied several times before + I came to invest it; now mounting French colours, now green and yellow + Saxon, now black and white Prussian, as the case may be. A lady who sets + her heart upon a lad in uniform must prepare to change lovers pretty + quickly, or her life will be but a sad one. + </p> + <p> + The German surgeon who attended us after the departure of the English only + condescended to pay our house a visit twice during my residence; and I + took care, for a reason I had, to receive him in a darkened room, much to + the annoyance of Mr. Fakenham, who lay there: but I said the light + affected my eyes dreadfully since my blow on the head; and so I covered up + my head with clothes when the doctor came, and told him that I was an + Egyptian mummy, or talked to him some insane nonsense, in order to keep up + my character. + </p> + <p> + ‘What is that nonsense you were talking about an Egyptian mummy, fellow?’ + asked Mr. Fakenham peevishly. + </p> + <p> + ‘Oh! you’ll know soon, sir,’ said I. + </p> + <p> + The next time that I expected the doctor to come, instead of receiving him + in a darkened room, with handkerchiefs muffled, I took care to be in the + lower room, and was having a game at cards with Lischen as the surgeon + entered. I had taken possession of a dressing-jacket of the lieutenant’s, + and some other articles of his wardrobe, which fitted me pretty well; and, + I flatter myself, was no ungentlemanlike figure. + </p> + <p> + ‘Good-morrow, Corporal,’ said the doctor, rather gruffly, in reply to my + smiling salute. + </p> + <p> + ‘Corporal! Lieutenant, if you please,’ answered I, giving an arch look at + Lischen, whom I had instructed in my plot. + </p> + <p> + ‘How lieutenant?’ asked the surgeon. ‘I thought the lieutenant was’— + </p> + <p> + ‘Upon my word, you do me great honour,’ cried I, laughing; ‘you mistook me + for the mad corporal upstairs. The fellow has once or twice pretended to + be an officer, but my kind hostess here can answer which is which.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Yesterday he fancied he was Prince Ferdinand,’ said Lischen; ‘the day you + came he said he was an Egyptian mummy.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘So he did,’ said the doctor; ‘I remember; but, ha! ha! do you know, + Lieutenant, I have in my notes made a mistake in you two?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Don’t talk to me about his malady; he is calm now.’ + </p> + <p> + Lischen and I laughed at this error as at the most ridiculous thing in the + world; and when the surgeon went up to examine his patient, I cautioned + him not to talk to him about the subject of his malady, for he was in a + very excited state. + </p> + <p> + The reader will be able to gather from the above conversation what my + design really was. I was determined to escape, and to escape under the + character of Lieutenant Fakenham; taking it from him to his face, as it + were, and making use of it to meet my imperious necessity. It was forgery + and robbery, if you like; for I took all his money and clothes,—I + don’t care to conceal it; but the need was so urgent, that I would do so + again: and I knew I could not effect my escape without his purse, as well + as his name. Hence it became my duty to take possession of one and the + other. + </p> + <p> + As the lieutenant lay still in bed upstairs, I did not hesitate at all + about assuming his uniform, especially after taking care to inform myself + from the doctor whether any men of ours who might know me were in the + town. But there were none that I could hear of; and so I calmly took my + walks with Madame Lischen, dressed in the lieutenant’s uniform, made + inquiries as to a horse that I wanted to purchase, reported myself to the + commandant of the place as Lieutenant Fakenham, of Gale’s English regiment + of foot, convalescent, and was asked to dine with the officers of the + Prussian regiment at a very sorry mess they had. How Fakenham would have + stormed and raged, had he known the use I was making of his name! + </p> + <p> + Whenever that worthy used to inquire about his clothes, which he did with + many oaths and curses that he would have me caned at the regiment for + inattention, I, with a most respectful air, informed him that they were + put away in perfect safety below; and, in fact, had them very neatly + packed, and ready for the day when I proposed to depart. His papers and + money, however, he kept under his pillow; and, as I had purchased a horse, + it became necessary to pay for it. + </p> + <p> + At a certain hour, then, I ordered the animal to be brought round, when I + would pay the dealer for him. (I shall pass over my adieux with my kind + hostess, which were very tearful indeed). And then, making up my mind to + the great action, walked upstairs to Fakenham’s room attired in his full + regimentals, and with his hat cocked over my left eye. + </p> + <p> + ‘You gWeat scoundWel!’ said he, with a multiplicity of oaths; ‘you + mutinous dog! what do you mean by dWessing yourself in my Wegimentals? As + sure as my name’s Fakenham, when we get back to the Wegiment, I’ll have + your soul cut out of your body.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I’m promoted, Lieutenant,’ said I, with a sneer. ‘I’m come to take my + leave of you;’ and then going up to his bed, I said, ‘I intend to have + your papers and purse.’ With this I put my hand under his pillow; at which + he gave a scream that might have called the whole garrison about my ears. + ‘Hark ye, sir!’ said I, ‘no more noise, or you are a dead man!’ and taking + a handkerchief, I bound it tight around his mouth so as well-nigh to + throttle him, and, pulling forward the sleeves of his shirt, tied them in + a knot together, and so left him; removing the papers and the purse, you + may be sure, and wishing him politely a good day. + </p> + <p> + ‘It is the mad corporal,’ said I to the people down below who were + attracted by the noise from the sick man’s chamber; and so taking leave of + the old blind Jagdmeister, and an adieu (I will not say how tender) of his + daughter, I mounted my newly purchased animal; and, as I pranced away, and + the sentinels presented arms to me at the town-gates, felt once more that + I was in my proper sphere, and determined never again to fall from the + rank of a gentleman. + </p> + <p> + I took at first the way towards Bremen, where our army was, and gave out + that I was bringing reports and letters from the Prussian commandant of + Warburg to headquarters; but, as soon as I got out of sight of the + advanced sentinels, I turned bridle and rode into the Hesse-Cassel + territory, which is luckily not very far from Warburg: and I promise you I + was very glad to see the blue-and-red stripes on the barriers, which + showed me that I was out of the land occupied by our countrymen. I rode to + Hof, and the next day to Cassel, giving out that I was the bearer of + despatches to Prince Henry, then on the Lower Rhine, and put up at the + best hotel of the place, where the field-officers of the garrison had + their ordinary. These gentlemen I treated to the best wines that the house + afforded, for I was determined to keep up the character of the English + gentleman, and I talked to them about my English estates with a fluency + that almost made me believe in the stories which I invented. I was even + asked to an assembly at Wilhelmshohe, the Elector’s palace, and danced a + minuet there with the Hofmarshal’s lovely daughter, and lost a few pieces + to his excellency the first huntmaster of his Highness. + </p> + <p> + At our table at the inn there was a Prussian officer who treated me with + great civility, and asked me a thousand questions about England; which I + answered as best I might. But this best, I am bound to say, was bad + enough. I knew nothing about England, and the Court, and the noble + families there; but, led away by the vaingloriousness of youth (and a + propensity which I possessed in my early days, but of which I have long + since corrected myself, to boast and talk in a manner not altogether + consonant with truth), I invented a thousand stories which I told him; + described the King and the Ministers to him, said the British Ambassador + at Berlin was my uncle, and promised my acquaintance a letter of + recommendation to him. When the officer asked me my uncle’s name, I was + not able to give him the real name, and so said his name was O’Grady: it + is as good a name as any other, and those of Kilballyowen, county Cork, + are as good a family as any in the world, as I have heard. As for stories + about my regiment, of these, of course, I had no lack. I wish my other + histories had been equally authentic. + </p> + <p> + On the morning I left Cassel, my Prussian friend came to me with an open + smiling countenance, and said he, too, was bound for Dusseldorf, whither I + said my route lay; and so laying our horses’ heads together we jogged on. + The country was desolate beyond description. The prince in whose dominions + we were was known to be the most ruthless seller of men in Germany. He + would sell to any bidder, and during the five years which the war + (afterwards called the Seven Years’ War) had now lasted, had so exhausted + the males of his principality, that the fields remained untilled: even the + children of twelve years old were driven off to the war, and I saw herds + of these wretches marching forwards, attended by a few troopers, now under + the guidance of a red-coated Hanovarian sergeant, now with a Prussian + sub-officer accompanying them; with some of whom my companion exchanged + signs of recognition. + </p> + <p> + ‘It hurts my feelings,’ said he, ‘to be obliged to commune with such + wretches; but the stern necessities of war demand men continually, and + hence these recruiters whom you see market in human flesh. They get + five-and-twenty dollars from our Government for every man they bring in. + For fine men—for men like you,’ he added, laughing, ‘we would go as + high as a hundred. In the old King’s time we would have given a thousand + for you, when he had his giant regiment that our present monarch + disbanded.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I knew one of them,’ said I, ‘who served with you: we used to call him + Morgan Prussia.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Indeed; and who was this Morgan Prussia?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Why, a huge grenadier of ours, who was somehow snapped up in Hanover by + some of your recruiters.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘The rascals!’ said my friend: ‘and did they dare take an Englishman?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘’Faith this was an Irishman, and a great deal too sharp for them; as you + shall hear. Morgan was taken, then, and drafted into the giant guard, and + was the biggest man almost among all the giants there. Many of these + monsters used to complain of their life, and their caning, and their long + drills, and their small pay; but Morgan was not one of the grumblers. + “It’s a deal better,” said he, “to get fat here in Berlin, than to starve + in rags in Tipperary!”’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Where is Tipperary?’ asked my companion. + </p> + <p> + ‘That is exactly what Morgan’s friends asked him. It is a beautiful + district in Ireland, the capital of which is the magnificent city of + Clonmel: a city, let me tell you, sir, only inferior to Dublin and London, + and far more sumptuous than any on the Continent. Well, Morgan said that + his birthplace was near that city, and the only thing which caused him + unhappiness, in his present situation, was the thought that his brothers + were still starving at home, when they might be so much better off in His + Majesty’s service. + </p> + <p> + ‘“‘Faith,” says Morgan to the sergeant, to whom he imparted the + information, “it’s my brother Bin that would make the fine sergeant of the + guards, entirely!” + </p> + <p> + ‘“Is Ben as tall as you are?” asked the sergeant. + </p> + <p> + ‘“As tall as ME, is it? Why, man, I’m the shortest of my family! There’s + six more of us, but Bin’s the biggest of all. Oh! out and out the biggest. + Seven feet in his stockin-FUT, as sure as my name’s Morgan!” + </p> + <p> + ‘“Can’t we send and fetch them over, these brothers of yours?” + </p> + <p> + ‘“Not you. Ever since I was seduced by one of you gentlemen of the cane, + they’ve a mortal aversion to all sergeants,” answered Morgan: “but it’s a + pity they cannot come, too. What a monster Bin would be in a grenadier’s + cap!” + </p> + <p> + ‘He said nothing more at the time regarding his brothers, but only sighed + as if lamenting their hard fate. However, the story was told by the + sergeant to the officers, and by the officers to the King himself; and His + Majesty was so inflamed by curiosity, that he actually consented to let + Morgan go home in order to bring back with him his seven enormous + brothers.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘And were they as big as Morgan pretended?’ asked my comrade. I could not + help laughing at his simplicity. + </p> + <p> + ‘Do you suppose,’ cried I, ‘that Morgan ever came back? No, no; once free, + he was too wise for that. He has bought a snug farm in Tipperary with the + money that was given him to secure his brothers; and I fancy few men of + the guards ever profited so much by it.’ + </p> + <p> + The Prussian captain laughed exceedingly at this story, said that the + English were the cleverest nation in the world, and, on my setting him + right, agreed that the Irish were even more so. We rode on very well + pleased with each other; for he had a thousand stories of the war to tell, + of the skill and gallantry of Frederick, and the thousand escapes, and + victories, and defeats scarcely less glorious than victories, through + which the King had passed. Now that I was a gentleman, I could listen with + admiration to these tales: and yet the sentiment recorded at the end of + the last chapter was uppermost in my mind but three weeks back, when I + remembered that it was the great general got the glory, and the poor + soldier only insult and the cane. + </p> + <p> + ‘By the way, to whom are you taking despatches?’ asked the officer. + </p> + <p> + It was another ugly question, which I determined to answer at hap-hazard; + and so I said ‘To General Rolls.’ I had seen the general a year before, + and gave the first name in my head. My friend was quite satisfied with it, + and we continued our ride until evening came on; and our horses being + weary, it was agreed that we should come to a halt. + </p> + <p> + ‘There is a very good inn,’ said the Captain, as we rode up to what + appeared to me a very lonely-looking place. + </p> + <p> + ‘This may be a very good inn for Germany,’ said I, ‘but it would not pass + in old Ireland. Corbach is only a league off: let us push on for Corbach.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Do you want to see the loveliest woman in Europe?’ said the officer. ‘Ah! + you sly rogue, I see THAT will influence you;’ and, truth to say, such a + proposal WAS always welcome to me, as I don’t care to own. ‘The people are + great farmers,’ said the Captain, ‘as well as innkeepers;’ and, indeed, + the place seemed more a farm than an inn yard. We entered by a great gate + into a Court walled round, and at one end of which was the building, a + dingy ruinous place. A couple of covered waggens were in the court, their + horses were littered under a shed hard by, and lounging about the place + were some men and a pair of sergeants in the Prussian uniform, who both + touched their hats to my friend the Captain. This customary formality + struck me as nothing extraordinary, but the aspect of the inn had + something exceedingly chilling and forbidding in it, and I observed the + men shut to the great yard-gates as soon as we were entered. Parties of + French horsemen, the Captain said, were about the country, and one could + not take too many precautions against such villains. + </p> + <p> + We went into supper, after the two sergeants had taken charge of our + horses; the Captain, also, ordering one of them to take my valise to my + bedroom. I promised the worthy fellow a glass of schnapps for his pains. + </p> + <p> + A dish of fried eggs-and-bacon was ordered from a hideous old wench that + came to serve us, in place of the lovely creature I had expected to see; + and the Captain, laughing, said, ‘Well, our meal is a frugal one, but a + soldier has many a time a worse:’ and, taking off his hat, sword-belt, and + gloves, with great ceremony, he sat down to eat. I would not be behindhand + with him in politeness, and put my weapon securely on the old chest of + drawers where his was laid. + </p> + <p> + The hideous old woman before mentioned brought us in a pot of very sour + wine, at which and at her ugliness I felt a considerable ill-humour. + </p> + <p> + ‘Where’s the beauty you promised me?’ said I, as soon as the old hag had + left the room. + </p> + <p> + ‘Bah!’ said he, laughing, and looking hard at me: ‘it was my joke. I was + tired, and did not care to go farther. There’s no prettier woman here than + that. If she won’t suit your fancy, my friend, you must wait a while.’ + </p> + <p> + This increased my ill-humour. + </p> + <p> + ‘Upon my word, sir,’ said I sternly, ‘I think you have acted very coolly!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I have acted as I think fit!’ replied the captain. + </p> + <p> + ‘Sir,’ said I, ‘I’m a British officer!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘It’s a lie!’ roared the other, ‘you’re a DESERTER! You’re an impostor, + sir; I have known you for such these three hours. I suspected you + yesterday. My men heard of a man escaping from Warburg, and I thought you + were the man. Your lies and folly have confirmed me. You pretend to carry + despatches to a general who has been dead these ten months: you have an + uncle who is an ambassador, and whose name forsooth you don’t know. Will + you join and take the bounty, sir; or will you be given up?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Neither!’ said I, springing at him like a tiger. But, agile as I was, he + was equally on his guard. He took two pistols out of his pocket, fired one + off, and said, from the other end of the table where he stood dodging me, + as it were,— + </p> + <p> + ‘Advance a step, and I send this bullet into your brains!’ In another + minute the door was flung open, and the two sergeants entered, armed with + musket and bayonet to aid their comrade. + </p> + <p> + The game was up. I flung down a knife with which I had armed myself; for + the old hag on bringing in the wine had removed my sword. + </p> + <p> + ‘I volunteer,’ said I. + </p> + <p> + ‘That’s my good fellow. What name shall I put on my list?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Write Redmond Barry of Bally Barry,’ said I haughtily; ‘a descendant of + the Irish kings!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I was once with the Irish brigade, Roche’s,’ said the recruiter, + sneering, ‘trying if I could get any likely fellows among the few + countrymen of yours that are in the brigade, and there was scarcely one of + them that was not descended from the kings of Ireland.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Sir,’ said I, ‘king or not, I am a gentleman, as you can see.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Oh! you will find plenty more in our corps,’ answered the Captain, still + in the sneering mood. ‘Give up your papers, Mr. Gentleman, and let us see + who you really are.’ + </p> + <p> + As my pocket-book contained some bank-notes as well as papers of Mr. + Fakenham’s, I was not willing to give up my property; suspecting very + rightly that it was but a scheme on the part of the Captain to get and + keep it. + </p> + <p> + ‘It can matter very little to you,’ said I, ‘what my private papers are: I + am enlisted under the name of Redmond Barry.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Give it up, sirrah!’ said the Captain, seizing his cane. + </p> + <p> + ‘I will not give it up!’ answered I. + </p> + <p> + ‘HOUND! do you mutiny?’ screamed he, and, at the same time, gave me a lash + across the face with the cane, which had the anticipated effect of + producing a struggle. I dashed forward to grapple with him, the two + sergeants flung themselves on me, I was thrown to the ground and stunned + again; being hit on my former wound in the head. It was bleeding severely + when I came to myself, my laced coat was already torn off my back, my + purse and papers gone, and my hands tied behind my back. + </p> + <p> + The great and illustrious Frederick had scores of these white + slave-dealers all round the frontiers of his kingdom, debauching troops or + kidnapping peasants, and hesitating at no crime to supply those brilliant + regiments of his with food for powder; and I cannot help telling here, + with some satisfaction, the fate which ultimately befell the atrocious + scoundrel who, violating all the rights of friendship and good-fellowship, + had just succeeded in entrapping me. This individual was a person of high + family and known talents and courage, but who had a propensity to gambling + and extravagance, and found his calling as a recruit-decoy far more + profitable to him than his pay of second captain in the line. The + sovereign, too, probably found his services more useful in the former + capacity. His name was Monsieur de Galgenstein, and he was one of the most + successful of the practisers of his rascally trade. He spoke all + languages, and knew all countries, and hence had no difficulty in finding + out the simple braggadocio of a young lad like me. + </p> + <p> + About 1765, however, he came to his justly merited end. He was at this + time living at Kehl, opposite Strasburg, and used to take his walk upon + the bridge there, and get into conversation with the French advanced + sentinels; to whom he was in the habit of promising ‘mountains and + marvels,’ as the French say, if they would take service in Prussia. One + day there was on the bridge a superb grenadier, whom Galgenstein accosted, + and to whom he promised a company, at least, if he would enlist under + Frederick. + </p> + <p> + ‘Ask my comrade yonder,’ said the grenadier; ‘I can do nothing without + him. We were born and bred together, we are of the same company, sleep in + the same room, and always go in pairs. If he will go and you will give him + a captaincy, I will go too.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Bring your comrade over to Kehl,’ said Galgenstein, delighted. ‘I will + give you the best of dinners, and can promise to satisfy both of you.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Had you not better speak to him on the bridge?’ said the grenadier. ‘I + dare not leave my post; but you have but to pass, and talk over the + matter.’ + </p> + <p> + Galgenstein, after a little parley, passed the sentinel; but presently a + panic took him, and he retraced his steps. But the grenadier brought his + bayonet to the Prussian’s breast and bade him stand: that he was his + prisoner. + </p> + <p> + The Prussian, however, seeing his danger, made a bound across the bridge + and into the Rhine; whither, flinging aside his musket, the intrepid + sentry followed him. The Frenchman was the better swimmer of the two, + seized upon the recruiter, and bore him to the Strasburg side of the + stream, where he gave him up. + </p> + <p> + ‘You deserve to be shot,’ said the general to him, ‘for abandoning your + post and arms; but you merit reward for an act of courage and daring. The + King prefers to reward you,’ and the man received money and promotion. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +As for Galgenstein, he declared his quality as a nobleman and a captain +in the Prussian service, and applications were made to Berlin to know if +his representations were true. But the King, though he employed men of +this stamp (officers to seduce the subjects of his allies) could not +acknowledge his own shame. Letters were written back from Berlin to +say that such a family existed in the kingdom, but that the person +representing himself to belong to it must be an impostor, for +every officer of the name was at his regiment and his post. It was +Galgenstein’s death-warrant, and he was hanged as a spy in Strasburg. + + ‘Turn him into the cart with the rest,’ said he, as soon as I awoke +from my trance. +</pre> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0006" id="link2HCH0006"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VI. THE CRIMP WAGGON—MILITARY EPISODES + </h2> + <p> + The covered waggon to which I was ordered to march was standing, as I have + said, in the courtyard of the farm, with another dismal vehicle of the + same kind hard by it. Each was pretty well filled with a crew of men, whom + the atrocious crimp who had seized upon me, had enlisted under the banners + of the glorious Frederick; and I could see by the lanterns of the + sentinels, as they thrust me into the straw, a dozen dark figures huddled + together in the horrible moving prison where I was now to be confined. A + scream and a curse from my opposite neighbour showed me that he was most + likely wounded, as I myself was; and, during the whole of the wretched + night, the moans and sobs of the poor fellows in similar captivity kept up + a continual painful chorus, which effectually prevented my getting any + relief from my ills in sleep. At midnight (as far as I could judge) the + horses were put to the waggons, and the creaking lumbering machines were + put in motion. A couple of soldiers, strongly armed, sat on the outer + bench of the cart, and their grim faces peered in with their lanterns + every now and then through the canvas curtains, that they might count the + number of their prisoners. The brutes were half-drunk, and were singing + love and war songs, such as ‘O Gretchen mein Taubchen, mein + Herzenstrompet, Mein Kanon, mein Heerpauk und meine Musket,’ ‘Prinz Eugen + der edle Ritter.’ and the like; their wild whoops and jodels making + doleful discord with the groans of us captives within the waggons. Many a + time afterwards have I heard these ditties sung on the march, or in the + barrack-room, or round the fires as we lay out at night. + </p> + <p> + I was not near so unhappy, in spite of all, as I had been on my first + enlisting in Ireland. At least, thought I, if I am degraded to be a + private soldier there will be no one of my acquaintance who will witness + my shame; and that is the point which I have always cared for most. There + will be no one to say, ‘There is young Redmond Barry, the descendant or + the Barrys, the fashionable young blood of Dublin, pipeclaying his belt + and carrying his brown Bess.’ Indeed, but for that opinion of the world, + with which it is necessary that every man of spirit should keep upon equal + terms, I, for my part, would have always been contented with the humblest + portion. Now here, to all intents and purposes, one was as far removed + from the world as in the wilds of Siberia, or in Robinson Crusoe’s Island. + And I reasoned with myself thus:—‘Now you are caught, there is no + use in repining: make the best of your situation, and get all the pleasure + you can out of it. There are a thousand opportunities of plunder, &c., + offered to the soldier in war-time, out of which he can get both pleasure + and profit: make use of these, and be happy. Besides, you are + extraordinarily brave, handsome, and clever: and who knows but you may + procure advancement in your new service?’ + </p> + <p> + In this philosophical way I looked at my misfortunes, determining not to + be cast down by them; and bore woes and my broken head with perfect + magnanimity. The latter was, for the moment, an evil against which it + required no small powers of endurance to contend; for the jolts of the + waggon were dreadful, and every shake caused a throb in my brain which I + thought would have split my skull. As the morning dawned, I saw that the + man next me, a gaunt yellow-haired creature, in black, had a cushion of + straw under his head. + </p> + <p> + ‘Are you wounded, comrade?’ said I. + </p> + <p> + ‘Praised be the Lord,’ said he, ‘I am sore hurt in spirit and body, and + bruised in many members; wounded, however, am I not. And you, poor youth?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I am wounded in the head,’ said I, ‘and I want your pillow: give it me—I’ve + a clasp-knife in my pocket!’ and with this I gave him a terrible look, + meaning to say (and mean it I did, for look you, A LA GUERRE C’EST A LA + GUERRE, and I am none of your milksops) that, unless he yielded me the + accommodation, I would give him a taste of my steel. + </p> + <p> + ‘I would give it thee without any threat, friend,’ said the yellow-haired + man meekly, and handed me over his little sack of straw. + </p> + <p> + He then leaned himself back as comfortably as he could against the cart, + and began repeating, ‘Ein’ feste Burg ist unser Gott,’ by which I + concluded that I had got into the company of a parson. With the jolts of + the waggon, and accidents of the journey, various more exclamations and + movements of the passengers showed what a motley company we were. Every + now and then a countryman would burst into tears; a French voice would be + heard to say, ‘O mon Dieu!—mon Dieu!’ a couple more of the same + nation were jabbering oaths and chattering incessantly; and a certain + allusion to his own and everybody else’s eyes, which came from a stalwart + figure at the far corner, told me that there was certainly an Englishman + in our crew. + </p> + <p> + But I was spared soon the tedium and discomforts of the journey. In spite + of the clergyman’s cushion, my head, which was throbbing with pain, was + brought abruptly in contact with the side of the waggon; it began to bleed + afresh: I became almost light-headed. I only recollect having a draught of + water here and there; once stopping at a fortified town, where an officer + counted us:—all the rest of the journey was passed in a drowsy + stupor, from which, when I awoke, I found myself lying in a hospital bed, + with a nun in a white hood watching over me. + </p> + <p> + ‘They are in sad spiritual darkness,’ said a voice from the bed next to + me, when the nun had finished her kind offices and retired: ‘they are in + the night of error, and yet there is the light of faith in those poor + creatures.’ + </p> + <p> + It was my comrade of the crimp waggon, his huge broad face looming out + from under a white nightcap, and ensconced in the bed beside. + </p> + <p> + ‘What! you there, Herr Pastor?’ said I. + </p> + <p> + ‘Only a candidate, sir,’ answered the white nightcap. ‘But, praised be + Heaven! you have come to. You have had a wild time of it. You have been + talking in the English language (with which I am acquainted) of Ireland, + and a young lady, and Mick, and of another young lady, and of a house on + fire, and of the British Grenadiers, concerning whom you sung us parts of + a ballad, and of a number of other matters appertaining, no doubt, to your + personal history.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘It has been a very strange one,’ said I; ‘and, perhaps, there is no man + in the world, of my birth, whose misfortunes can at all be compared to + mine.’ + </p> + <p> + I do not object to own that I am disposed to brag of my birth and other + acquirements; for I have always found that if a man does not give himself + a good word, his friends will not do it for him. + </p> + <p> + ‘Well,’ said my fellow-patient, ‘I have no doubt yours is a strange tale, + and shall be glad to hear it anon; but at present you must not be + permitted to speak much, for your fever has been long, and your exhaustion + great.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Where are we?’ I asked; and the candidate informed me that we were in the + bishopric and town of Fulda, at present occupied by Prince Henry’s troops. + There had been a skirmish with an out-party of French near the town, in + which a shot entering the waggon, the poor candidate had been wounded. + </p> + <p> + As the reader knows already my history, I will not take the trouble to + repeat it here, or to give the additions with which I favoured my comrade + in misfortune. But I confess that I told him ours was the greatest family + and finest palace in Ireland, that we were enormously wealthy, related to + all the peerage descended from the ancient kings, &c.; and, to my + surprise, in the course of our conversation, I found that my interlocutor + knew a great deal more about Ireland than I did. When, for instance, I + spoke of my descent,— + </p> + <p> + ‘From which race of kings?’ said he. + </p> + <p> + ‘Oh!’ said I (for my memory for dates was never very accurate), ‘from the + old ancient kings of all.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘What! can you trace your origin to the sons Japhet?’ said he. + </p> + <p> + ‘’Faith, I can,’ answered I, ‘and farther too,—Nebuchadnezzar, if + you like.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I see,’ said the candidate, smiling, ‘that you look upon those legends + with incredulity. These Partholans and Nemedians, of whom your writers + fondly make mention, cannot be authentically vouched for in history. Nor + do I believe that we have any more foundation for the tales concerning + them, than for the legends relative to Joseph of Arimathea and King Bruce + which prevailed two centuries back in the sister island. + </p> + <p> + And then he began a discourse about the Phoenicians, the Scyths or Goths, + the Tuath de Danans, Tacitus, and King MacNeil; which was, to say the + truth, the very first news I had heard of those personages. As for + English, he spoke it as well as I, and had seven more languages, he said, + equally at his command; for, on my quoting the only Latin line that I + knew, that out of the poet Homer, which says,— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + ‘As in praesenti perfectum fumat in avi,’ +</pre> + <p> + he began to speak to me in the Roman tongue; on which I was fain to tell + him that we pronounced it in a different way in Ireland, and so got off + the conversation. + </p> + <p> + My honest friend’s history was a curious one, and it may be told here in + order to show of what motley materials our levies were composed:— + </p> + <p> + ‘I am,’ said he, ‘a Saxon by birth, my father being pastor of the village + of Pfannkuchen, where I imbibed the first rudiments of knowledge. At + sixteen (I am now twenty-three), having mastered the Greek and Latin + tongues, with the French, English, Arabic, and Hebrew; and having come + into possession of a legacy of a hundred rixdalers, a sum amply sufficient + to defray my University courses, I went to the famous academy of + Gottingen, where I devoted four years to the exact sciences and theology. + Also, I learned what worldly accomplishments I could command; taking a + dancing-tutor at the expense of a groschen a lesson, a course of fencing + from a French practitioner, and attending lectures on the great horse and + the equestrian science at the hippodrome of a celebrated cavalry + professor. My opinion is, that a man should know everything as far as in + his power lies: that he should complete his cycle of experience; and, one + science being as necessary as another, it behoves him. + </p> + <p> + ‘I am not of a saving turn, hence my little fortune of a hundred + rixdalers, which has served to keep many a prudent man for a score of + years, barely sufficed for five years’ studies; after which my studies + were interrupted, my pupils fell off, and I was obliged to devote much + time to shoe-binding in order to save money, and, at a future period, + resume my academic course. During this period I contracted an attachment’ + (here the candidate sighed a little) ‘with a person, who, though not + beautiful, and forty years of age, is yet likely to sympathise with my + existence; and, a month since, my kind friend and patron, University + Prorector Doctor Nasenbrumm, having informed me that the Pfarrer of + Rumpelwitz was dead, asked whether I would like to have my name placed + upon the candidate list, and if I were minded to preach a trial sermon? As + the gaining of this living would further my union with my Amalia, I + joyously consented, and prepared a discourse. + </p> + <p> + ‘If you like I will recite it to you—No?—Well, I will give you + extracts from it upon our line of march. To proceed, then, with my + biographical sketch, which is now very near a conclusion; or, as I should + more correctly say, which has very nearly brought me to the present period + of time: I preached that sermon at Rumpelwitz, in which I hope that the + Babylonian question was pretty satisfactorily set at rest. I preached it + before the Herr Baron and his noble family, and some officers of + distinction who were staying at his castle. Mr. Doctor Moser of Halle + followed me in the evening discourse; but, though his exercise was + learned, and he disposed of a passage of Ignatius, which he proved to be a + manifest interpolation, I do not think his sermon had the effect which + mine produced, and that the Rumpelwitzers much relished it. After the + sermon, all the candidates walked out of church together, and supped + lovingly at the “Blue Stag” in Rumpelwitz. + </p> + <p> + ‘While so occupied, a waiter came in and said that a person without wished + to speak to one of the reverend candidates, “the tall one.” This could + only mean me, for I was a head and shoulders higher than any other + reverend gentleman present. I issued out to see who was the person + desiring to hold converse with me, and found a man whom I had no + difficulty in recognising as one of the Jewish persuasion. + </p> + <p> + ‘“Sir,” said this Hebrew, “I have heard from a friend, who was in your + church to-day, the heads of the admirable discourse you pronounced there. + It has affected me deeply, most deeply. There are only one or two points + on which I am yet in doubt, and if your honour could but condescend to + enlighten me on these, I think—I think Solomon Hirsch would be a + convert to your eloquence.” + </p> + <p> + ‘“What are these points, my good friend?” said I; and I pointed out to him + the twenty-four heads of my sermon, asking him in which of these his + doubts lay. + </p> + <p> + ‘We had been walking up and down before the inn while our conversation + took place, but the windows being open, and my comrades having heard the + discourse in the morning, requested me, rather peevishly, not to resume it + at that period. I, therefore, moved on with my disciple, and, at his + request, began at once the sermon; for my memory is good for anything, and + I can repeat any book I have read thrice. + </p> + <p> + ‘I poured out, then, under the trees, and in the calm moonlight, that + discourse which I had pronounced under the blazing sun of noon. My + Israelite only interrupted me by exclamations indicative of surprise, + assent, admiration, and increasing conviction. “Prodigious!” said he;—“Wunderschon!” + would he remark at the conclusion of some eloquent passage; in a word, he + exhausted the complimentary interjections of our language: and to + compliments what man is averse? I think we must have walked two miles when + I got to my third head and my companion begged I would enter his house, + which we now neared, and partake of a glass of beer; to which I was never + averse. + </p> + <p> + ‘That house, sir, was the inn at which you, too, if I judge aright, were + taken. No sooner was I in the place, than three crimps rushed upon me, + told me I was a deserter, and their prisoner, and called upon me to + deliver up my money and papers; which I did with a solemn protest as to my + sacred character. They consisted of my sermon in MS., Prorector + Nasenbrumm’s recommendatory letter, proving my identity, and three + groschen four pfennigs in bullion. I had already been in the cart twenty + hours when you reached the house. The French officer, who lay opposite you + (he who screamed when you trod on his foot, for he was wounded), was + brought in shortly before your arrival. He had been taken with his + epaulets and regimentals, and declared his quality and rank; but he was + alone (I believe it was some affair of love with a Hessian lady which + caused him to be unattended); and as the persons into whose hands he fell + will make more profit of him as a recruit than as a prisoner, he is made + to share our fate. He is not the first by many scores so captured. One of + M. de Soubise’s cooks, and three actors out of a troop in the French camp, + several deserters from your English troops (the men are led away by being + told that there is no flogging in the Prussian service), and three + Dutchmen were taken besides.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘And you,’ said I—‘you who were just on the point of getting a + valuable living,—you who have so much learning, are you not + indignant at the outrage?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I am a Saxon,’ said the candidate, ‘and there is no use in indignation. + Our government is crushed under Frederick’s heel these five years, and I + might as well hope for mercy from the Grand Mogul. Nor am I, in truth, + discontented with my lot; I have lived on a penny bread for so many years, + that a soldier’s rations will be a luxury to me. I do not care about more + or less blows of a cane; all such evils are passing, and therefore + endurable. I will never, God willing, slay a man in combat; but I am not + unanxious to experience on myself the effect of the war-passion, which has + had so great an influence on the human race. It was for the same reason + that I determined to marry Amalia, for a man is not a complete Mensch + until he is the father of a family; to be which is a condition of his + existence, and therefore a duty of his education. Amalia must wait; she is + out of the reach of want, being, indeed, cook to the Frau Prorectorinn + Nasenbrumm, my worthy patron’s lady. I have one or two books with me, + which no one is likely to take from me, and one in my heart which is the + best of all. If it shall please Heaven to finish my existence here, before + I can prosecute my studies further, what cause have I to repine? I pray + God I may not be mistaken, but I think I have wronged no man, and + committed no mortal sin. If I have, I know where to look for forgiveness; + and if I die, as I have said, without knowing all that I would desire to + learn, shall I not be in a situation to learn EVERYTHING, and what can + human soul ask for more? + </p> + <p> + ‘Pardon me for putting so many <i>I</i>’s in my discourse,’ said the + candidate, ‘but when a man is talking of himself, ‘tis the briefest and + simplest way of talking.’ + </p> + <p> + In which, perhaps, though I hate egotism, I think my friend was right. + Although he acknowledged himself to be a mean-spirited fellow, with no + more ambition than to know the contents of a few musty books, I think the + man had some good in him; especially in the resolution with which he bore + his calamities. Many a gallant man of the highest honour is often not + proof against these, and has been known to despair over a bad dinner, or + to be cast down at a ragged-elbowed coat. MY maxim is to bear all, to put + up with water if you cannot get Burgundy, and if you have no velvet to be + content with frieze. But Burgundy and velvet are the best, bien entendu, + and the man is a fool who will not seize the best when the scramble is + open. + </p> + <p> + The heads of the sermon which my friend the theologian intended to impart + to me, were, however, never told; for, after our coming out of the + hospital, he was drafted into a regiment quartered as far as possible from + his native country, in Pomerania; while I was put into the Bulow regiment, + of which the ordinary headquarters were Berlin. The Prussian regiments + seldom change their garrisons as ours do, for the fear of desertion is so + great, that it becomes necessary to know the face of every individual in + the service; and, in time of peace, men live and die in the same town. + This does not add, as may be imagined, to the amusements of the soldier’s + life. It is lest any young gentleman like myself should take a fancy to a + military career, and fancy that of a private soldier a tolerable one, that + I am giving these, I hope, moral descriptions of what we poor fellows in + the ranks really suffered. + </p> + <p> + As soon as we recovered, we were dismissed from the nuns and the hospital + to the town prison of Fulda, where we were kept like slaves and criminals, + with artillerymen with lighted matches at the doors of the courtyards and + the huge black dormitory where some hundreds of us lay; until we were + despatched to our different destinations. It was soon seen by the exercise + which were the old soldiers amongst us, and which the recruits; and for + the former, while we lay in prison, there was a little more leisure: + though, if possible, a still more strict watch kept than over the + broken-spirited yokels who had been forced or coaxed into the service. To + describe the characters here assembled would require Mr. Gilray’s own + pencil. There were men of all nations and callings. The Englishmen boxed + and bullied; the Frenchmen played cards, and danced, and fenced; the heavy + Germans smoked their pipes and drank beer, if they could manage to + purchase it. Those who had anything to risk gambled, and at this sport I + was pretty lucky, for, not having a penny when I entered the depot (having + been robbed of every farthing of my property by the rascally crimps), I + won near a dollar in my very first game at cards with one of the + Frenchmen; who did not think of asking whether I could pay or not upon + losing. Such, at least, is the advantage of having a gentlemanlike + appearance; it has saved me many a time since by procuring me credit when + my fortunes were at their lowest ebb. + </p> + <p> + Among the Frenchmen there was a splendid man and soldier, whose real name + we never knew, but whose ultimate history created no small sensation, when + it came to be known in the Prussian army. If beauty and courage are proofs + of nobility, as (although I have seen some of the ugliest dogs and the + greatest cowards in the world in the noblesse) I have no doubt courage and + beauty are, this Frenchman must have been of the highest families in + France, so grand and noble was his manner, so superb his person. He was + not quite so tall as myself, fair, while I am dark, and, if possible, + rather broader in the shoulders. He was the only man I ever met who could + master me with the small-sword; with which he would pink me four times to + my three. As for the sabre, I could knock him to pieces with it; and I + could leap farther and carry more than he could. This, however, is mere + egotism. This Frenchman, with whom I became pretty intimate—for we + were the two cocks, as it were, of the depot, and neither had any feeling + of low jealousy—was called, for want of a better name, Le Blondin, + on account of his complexion. He was not a deserter, but had come in from + the Lower Rhine and the bishoprics, as I fancy; fortune having proved + unfavourable to him at play probably, and other means of existence being + denied him. I suspect that the Bastile was waiting for him in his own + country, had he taken a fancy to return thither. + </p> + <p> + He was passionately fond of play and liquor, and thus we had a + considerable sympathy together: when excited by one or the other, he + became frightful. I, for my part, can bear, without wincing, both ill luck + and wine; hence my advantage over him was considerable in our bouts, and I + won enough money from him to make my position tenable. He had a wife + outside (who, I take it, was the cause of his misfortunes and separation + from his family), and she used to be admitted to see him twice or thrice a + week, and never came empty-handed—-a little brown bright-eyed + creature, whose ogles had made the greatest impression upon all the world. + </p> + <p> + This man was drafted into a regiment that was quartered at Neiss in + Silesia, which is only at a short distance from the Austrian frontier; he + maintained always the same character for daring and skill, and was, in the + secret republic of the regiment—which always exists as well as the + regular military hierarchy—the acknowledged leader. He was an + admirable soldier, as I have said; but haughty, dissolute, and a drunkard. + A man of this mark, unless he takes care to coax and flatter his officers + (which I always did), is sure to fall out with them. Le Blondin’s captain + was his sworn enemy, and his punishments were frequent and severe. + </p> + <p> + His wife and the women of the regiment (this was after the peace) used to + carry on a little commerce of smuggling across the Austrian frontier, + where their dealings were winked at by both parties; and in obedience to + the instructions of her husband, this woman, from every one of her + excursions, would bring in a little powder and ball: commodities which are + not to be procured by the Prussian soldier, and which were stowed away in + secret till wanted. They WERE to be wanted, and that soon. + </p> + <p> + Le Blondin had organised a great and extraordinary conspiracy. We don’t + know how far it went, how many hundreds or thousands it embraced; but + strange were the stories told about the plot amongst us privates: for the + news was spread from garrison to garrison, and talked of by the army, in + spite of all the Government efforts to hush it up—hush it up, + indeed! I have been of the people myself; I have seen the Irish rebellion, + and I know what is the free-masonry of the poor. + </p> + <p> + He made himself the head of the plot. There were no writings nor papers. + No single one of the conspirators communicated with any other than the + Frenchman; but personally he gave his orders to them all. He had arranged + matters for a general rising of the garrison, at twelve o’clock on a + certain day: the guard-houses in the town were to be seized, the sentinels + cut down, and—who knows the rest? Some of our people used to say + that the conspiracy was spread through all Silesia, and that Le Blondin + was to be made a general in the Austrian service. + </p> + <p> + At twelve o’clock, and opposite the guard-house by the Bohmer-Thor of + Neiss, some thirty men were lounging about in their undress, and the + Frenchman stood near the sentinel of the guard-house, sharpening a wood + hatchet on a stone. At the stroke of twelve, he got up, split open the + sentinel’s head with a blow of his axe, and the thirty men, rushing into + the guard-house, took possession of the arms there, and marched at once to + the gate. The sentry there tried to drop the bar, but the Frenchman rushed + up to him, and, with another blow of the axe, cut off his right hand, with + which he held the chain. Seeing the men rushing out armed, the guard + without the gate drew up across the road to prevent their passage; but the + Frenchman’s thirty gave them a volley, charged them with the bayonet, and + brought down several, and the rest flying, the thirty rushed on. The + frontier is only a league from Neiss, and they made rapidly towards it. + </p> + <p> + But the alarm was given in the town, and what saved it was that the clock + by which the Frenchman went was a quarter of an hour faster than any of + the clocks in the town. The generale was beat, the troops called to arms, + and thus the men who were to have attacked the other guard-houses, were + obliged to fall into the ranks, and their project was defeated. This, + however, likewise rendered the discovery of the conspirators impossible, + for no man could betray his comrade, nor, of course, would he criminate + himself. + </p> + <p> + Cavalry was sent in pursuit of the Frenchman and his thirty fugitives, who + were, by this time, far on their way to the Bohemian frontier. When the + horse came up with them, they turned, received them with a volley and the + bayonet, and drove them back. The Austrians were out at the barriers, + looking eagerly on at the conflict. The women, who were on the look-out + too, brought more ammunition to these intrepid deserters, and they engaged + and drove back the dragoons several times. But in these gallant and + fruitless combats much time was lost, and a battalion presently came up, + and surrounded the brave thirty; when the fate of the poor fellows was + decided. They fought with the fury of despair: not one of them asked for + quarter. When their ammunition failed, they fought with the steel, and + were shot down or bayoneted where they stood. The Frenchman was the very + last man who was hit. He received a bullet in the thigh, and fell, and in + this state was overpowered, killing the officer who first advanced to + seize him. + </p> + <p> + He and the very few of his comrades who survived were carried back to + Neiss, and immediately, as the ringleader, he was brought before a council + of war. He refused all interrogations which were made as to his real name + and family. ‘What matters who I am?’ said he; ‘you have me and will shoot + me. My name would not save me were it ever so famous.’ In the same way he + declined to make a single discovery regarding the plot. ‘It was all my + doing,’ he said; ‘each man engaged in it only knew me, and is ignorant of + every one of his comrades. The secret is mine alone, and the secret shall + die with me.’ When the officers asked him what was the reason which + induced him to meditate a crime so horrible?—‘It was your infernal + brutality and tyranny,’ he said. ‘You are all butchers, ruffians, tigers, + and you owe it to the cowardice of your men that you were not murdered + long ago.’ + </p> + <p> + At this his captain burst into the most furious exclamations against the + wounded man, and rushing up to him, struck him a blow with his fist. But + Le Blondin, wounded as he was, as quick as thought seized the bayonet of + one of the soldiers who supported him, and plunged it into the officer’s + breast. ‘Scoundrel and monster,’ said he, ‘I shall have the consolation of + sending you out of the world before I die.’ He was shot that day. He + offered to write to the King, if the officers would agree to let his + letter go sealed into the hands of the postmaster; but they feared, no + doubt, that something might be said to inculpate themselves, and refused + him the permission. At the next review Frederick treated them, it is said, + with great severity, and rebuked them for not having granted the Frenchman + his request. However, it was the King’s interest to conceal the matter, + and so it was, as I have said before, hushed up—so well hushed up, + that a hundred thousand soldiers in the army knew it; and many’s the one + of us that has drunk to the Frenchman’s memory over our wine, as a martyr + for the cause of the soldier. I shall have, doubtless, some readers who + will cry out at this, that I am encouraging insubordination and advocating + murder. If these men had served as privates in the Prussian army from 1760 + to 1765, they would not be so apt to take objection. This man destroyed + two sentinels to get his liberty; how many hundreds of thousands of his + own and the Austrian people did King Frederick kill because he took a + fancy to Silesia? It was the accursed tyranny of the system that sharpened + the axe which brained the two sentinels of Neiss: and so let officers take + warning, and think twice ere they visit poor fellows with the cane. + </p> + <p> + I could tell many more stories about the army; but as, from having been a + soldier myself, all my sympathies are in the ranks, no doubt my tales + would be pronounced to be of an immoral tendency, and I had best, + therefore, be brief. Fancy my surprise while in this depot, when one day a + well-known voice saluted my ear, and I heard a meagre young gentleman, who + was brought in by a couple of troopers and received a few cuts across the + shoulders from one of them, say in the best English, ‘You infernal WASCAL, + I’ll be wevenged for this. I’ll WITE to my ambassador, as sure as my + name’s Fakenham of Fakenham.’ I burst out laughing at this: it was my old + acquaintance in MY corporal’s coat. Lischen had sworn stoutly, that he was + really and truly the private, and the poor fellow had been drafted off, + and was to be made one of us. But I bear no malice, and having made the + whole room roar with the story of the way in which I had tricked the poor + lad, I gave him a piece of advice, which procured him his liberty. ‘Go to + the inspecting officer,’ said I; ‘if they once get you into Prussia it is + all over with you, and they will never give you up. Go now to the + commandant of the depot, promise him a hundred—five hundred guineas + to set you free; say that the crimping captain has your papers and + portfolio’ (this was true); ‘above all, show him that you have the means + of paying him the promised money, and I will warrant you are set free.’ He + did as I advised, and when we were put on the march Mr. Fakenham found + means to be allowed to go into hospital, and while in hospital the matter + was arranged as I had recommended. He had nearly, however, missed his + freedom by his own stinginess in bargaining for it, and never showed the + least gratitude towards me his benefactor. + </p> + <p> + I am not going to give any romantic narrative of the Seven Years’ War. At + the close of it, the Prussian army, so renowned for its disciplined + valour, was officered and under-officered by native Prussians, it is true; + but was composed for the most part of men hired or stolen, like myself, + from almost every nation in Europe. The deserting to and fro was + prodigious. In my regiment (Bulow’s) alone before the war, there had been + no less than 600 Frenchmen, and as they marched out of Berlin for the + campaign, one of the fellows had an old fiddle on which he was flaying a + French tune, and his comrades danced almost, rather than walked, after + him, singing, ‘Nous allons en France.’ Two years after, when they returned + to Berlin, there were only six of these men left; the rest had fled or + were killed in action. The life the private soldier led was a frightful + one to any but men of iron courage and endurance. There was a corporal to + every three men, marching behind them, and pitilessly using the cane; so + much so that it used to be said that in action there was a front rank of + privates and a second rank of sergeants and corporals to drive them on. + Many men would give way to the most frightful acts of despair under these + incessant persecutions and tortures; and amongst several regiments of the + army a horrible practice had sprung up, which for some time caused the + greatest alarm to the Government. This was a strange frightful custom of + CHILD-MURDER. The men used to say that life was unbearable, that suicide + was a crime; in order to avert which, and to finish with the intolerable + misery of their position, the best plan was to kill a young child, which + was innocent, and therefore secure of heaven, and then to deliver + themselves up as guilty of the murder. The King himself—the hero, + sage, and philosopher, the prince who had always liberality on his lips + and who affected a horror of capital punishments—was frightened at + this dreadful protest, on the part of the wretches whom he had kidnapped, + against his monstrous tyranny; but his only means of remedying the evil + was strictly to forbid that such criminals should be attended by any + ecclesiastic whatever, and denied all religious consolation. + </p> + <p> + The punishment was incessant. Every officer had the liberty to inflict it, + and in peace it was more cruel than in war. For when peace came the King + turned adrift such of his officers as were not noble; whatever their + services might have been. He would call a captain to the front of his + company and say, ‘He is not noble, let him go.’ We were afraid of him + somehow, and were cowed before him like wild beasts before their keeper. I + have seen the bravest men of the army cry like children at a cut of the + cane; I have seen a little ensign of fifteen call out a man of fifty from + the ranks, a man who had been in a hundred battles, and he has stood + presenting arms, and sobbing and howling like a baby, while the young + wretch lashed him over the arms and thighs with the stick. In a day of + action this man would dare anything. A button might be awry THEN and + nobody touched him; but when they had made the brute fight, then they + lashed him again into subordination. Almost all of us yielded to the spell—scarce + one could break it. The French officer I have spoken of as taken along + with me, was in my company, and caned like a dog. I met him at Versailles + twenty years afterwards, and he turned quite pale and sick when I spoke to + him of old days. ‘For God’s sake,’ said he, ‘don’t talk of that time: I + wake up from my sleep trembling and crying even now.’ + </p> + <p> + As for me, after a very brief time (in which it must be confessed I + tasted, like my comrades, of the cane) and after I had found opportunities + to show myself to be a brave and dexterous soldier, I took the means I had + adopted in the English army to prevent any further personal degradation. I + wore a bullet around my neck, which I did not take the pains to conceal, + and I gave out that it should be for the man or officer who caused me to + be chastised. And there was something in my character which made my + superiors believe me; for that bullet had already served me to kill an + Austrian colonel, and I would have given it to a Prussian with as little + remorse. For what cared I for their quarrels, or whether the eagle under + which I marched had one head or two? All I said was, ‘No man shall find me + tripping in my duty; but no man shall ever lay a hand upon me.’ And by + this maxim I abided as long as I remained in the service. + </p> + <p> + I do not intend to make a history of battles in the Prussian any more than + in the English service. I did my duty in them as well as another, and by + the time that my moustache had grown to a decent length, which it did when + I was twenty years of age, there was not a braver, cleverer, handsomer, + and I must own, wickeder soldier in the Prussian army. I had formed myself + to the condition of the proper fighting beast; on a day of action I was + savage and happy; out of the field I took all the pleasure I could get, + and was by no means delicate as to its quality or the manner of procuring + it. The truth is, however, that there was among our men a much higher tone + of society than among the clumsy louts in the English army, and our + service was generally so strict that we had little time for doing + mischief. I am very dark and swarthy in complexion, and was called by our + fellows the ‘Black Englander,’ the ‘Schwartzer Englander,’ or the English + Devil. If any service was to be done, I was sure to be put upon it. I got + frequent gratifications of money, but no promotion; and it was on the day + after I had killed the Austrian colonel (a great officer of Uhlans, whom I + engaged—singly and on foot) that General Bulow, my colonel, gave me + two Frederics-d’or in front of the regiment, and said, ‘I reward thee now; + but I fear I shall have to hang thee one day or other.’ I spent the money, + and that I had taken from the colonel’s body, every groschen, that night + with some jovial companions; but as long as war lasted was never without a + dollar in my purse. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0007" id="link2HCH0007"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VII. BARRY LEADS A GARRISON LIFE, AND FINDS MANY FRIENDS THERE + </h2> + <p> + After the war our regiment was garrisoned in the capital, the least dull, + perhaps, of all the towns of Prussia: but that does not say much for its + gaiety. Our service, which was always severe, still left many hours of the + day disengaged, in which we might take our pleasure had we the means of + paying for the same. Many of our mess got leave to work in trades; but I + had been brought up to none: and besides, my honour forbade me; for as a + gentleman, I could not soil my fingers by a manual occupation. But our pay + was barely enough to keep us from starving; and as I have always been fond + of pleasure, and as the position in which we now were, in the midst of the + capital, prevented us from resorting to those means of levying + contributions which are always pretty feasible in wartime, I was obliged + to adopt the only means left me of providing for my expenses: and in a + word became the ORDONNANZ, or confidential military gentleman, of my + captain. I spurned the office four years previously, when it was made to + me in the English service; but the position is very different in a foreign + country; besides, to tell the truth, after five years in the ranks, a + man’s pride will submit to many rebuffs which would be intolerable to him + in an independent condition. + </p> + <p> + The captain was a young man and had distinguished himself during the war, + or he would never have been advanced to rank so early. He was, moreover, + the nephew and heir of the Minister of Police, Monsieur de Potzdorff, a + relationship which no doubt aided in the young gentleman’s promotion. + Captain de Potzdorff was a severe officer enough on parade or in barracks, + but he was a person easily led by flattery. I won his heart in the first + place by my manner of tying my hair in queue (indeed, it was more neatly + dressed than that of any man in the regiment), and subsequently gained his + confidence by a thousand little arts and compliments, which as a gentleman + myself I knew how to employ. He was a man of pleasure, which he pursued + more openly than most men in the stern Court of the King; he was generous + and careless with his purse, and he had a great affection for Rhine wine: + in all which qualities I sincerely sympathised with him; and from which I, + of course, had my profit. He was disliked in the regiment, because he was + supposed to have too intimate relations with his uncle the Police + Minister; to whom, it was hinted, he carried the news of the corps. + </p> + <p> + Before long I had ingratiated myself considerably with my officer, and + knew most of his affairs. Thus I was relieved from many drills and + parades, which would otherwise have fallen to my lot, and came in for a + number of perquisites; which enabled me to support a genteel figure and to + appear with some ECLAT in a certain, though it must be confessed very + humble, society in Berlin. Among the ladies I was always an especial + favourite, and so polished was my behaviour amongst them, that they could + not understand how I should have obtained my frightful nickname of the + Black Devil in the regiment. ‘He is not so black as he is painted,’ I + laughingly would say; and most of the ladies agreed that the private was + quite as well-bred as the captain: as indeed how should it be otherwise, + considering my education and birth? + </p> + <p> + When I was sufficiently ingratiated with him, I asked leave to address a + letter to my poor mother in Ireland, to whom I had not given any news of + myself for many many years; for the letters of the foreign soldiers were + never admitted to the post, for fear of appeals or disturbances on the + part of their parents abroad. My captain agreed to find means to forward + the letter, and as I knew that he would open it, I took care to give it + him unsealed; thus showing my confidence in him. But the letter was, as + you may imagine, written so that the writer should come to no harm were it + intercepted. I begged my honoured mother’s forgiveness for having fled + from her; I said that my extravagance and folly in my own country I knew + rendered my return thither impossible; but that she would, at least, be + glad to know that I was well and happy in the service of the greatest + monarch in the world, and that the soldier’s life was most agreeable to + me: and, I added, that I had found a kind protector and patron, who I + hoped would some day provide for me as I knew it was out of her power to + do. I offered remembrances to all the girls at Castle Brady, naming them + from Biddy to Becky downwards, and signed myself, as in truth I was, her + affectionate son, Redmond Barry, in Captain Potzdorffs company of the + Bulowisch regiment of foot in garrison at Berlin. Also I told her a + pleasant story about the King kicking the Chancellor and three judges + downstairs, as he had done one day when I was on guard at Potsdam, and + said I hoped for another war soon, when I might rise to be an officer. In + fact, you might have imagined my letter to be that of the happiest fellow + in the world, and I was not on this head at all sorry to mislead my kind + parent. + </p> + <p> + I was sure my letter was read, for Captain Potzdorff began asking me some + days afterwards about my family, and I told him the circumstances pretty + truly, all things considered. I was a cadet of a good family, but my + mother was almost ruined and had barely enough to support her eight + daughters, whom I named. I had been to study for the law at Dublin, where + I had got into debt and bad company, had killed a man in a duel, and would + be hanged or imprisoned by his powerful friends, if I returned. I had + enlisted in the English service, where an opportunity for escape presented + itself to me such as I could not resist; and hereupon I told the story of + Mr. Fakenham of Fakenham in such a way as made my patron to be convulsed + with laughter, and he told me afterwards that he had repeated the story at + Madame de Kamake’s evening assembly, where all the world was anxious to + have a sight of the young Englander. + </p> + <p> + ‘Was the British Ambassador there?’ I asked, in a tone of the greatest + alarm, and added, ‘For Heaven’s sake, sir, do not tell my name to him, or + he might ask to have me delivered up: and I have no fancy to go to be + hanged in my dear native country.’ Potzdorff, laughing, said he would take + care that I should remain where I was, on which I swore eternal gratitude + to him. + </p> + <p> + Some days afterwards, and with rather a grave face, he said to me, + ‘Redmond, I have been talking to our colonel about you, and as I wondered + that a fellow of your courage and talents had not been advanced during the + war, the general said they had had their eye upon you: that you were a + gallant soldier, and had evidently come of a good stock; that no man in + the regiment had had less fault found with him; but that no man merited + promotion less. You were idle, dissolute, and unprincipled; you had done a + deal of harm to the men; and, for all your talents and bravery, he was + sure would come to no good.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Sir!’ said I, quite astonished that any mortal man should have formed + such an opinion of me, ‘I hope General Bulow is mistaken regarding my + character. I have fallen into bad company, it is true; but I have only + done as other soldiers have done; and, above all, I have never had a kind + friend and protector before, to whom I might show that I was worthy of + better things. The general may say I am a ruined lad, and send me to the d—-l: + but be sure of this, I would go to the d—-l to serve YOU.’ This + speech I saw pleased my patron very much; and, as I was very discreet and + useful in a thousand delicate ways to him, he soon came to have a sincere + attachment for me. One day, or rather night, when he was tete-a-tete with + the lady of the Tabaks Rath von Dose for instance, I—But there is no + use in telling affairs which concern nobody now. + </p> + <p> + Four months after my letter to my mother, I got, under cover to the + Captain, a reply, which created in my mind a yearning after home, and a + melancholy which I cannot describe. I had not seen the dear soul’s writing + for five years. All the old days, and the fresh happy sunshine of the old + green fields in Ireland, and her love, and my uncle, and Phil Purcell, and + everything that I had done and thought, came back to me as I read the + letter; and when I was alone I cried over it, as I hadn’t done since the + day when Nora jilted me. I took care not to show my feelings to the + regiment or my captain: but that night, when I was to have taken tea at + the Garden-house outside Brandenburg Gate, with Fraulein Lottchen (the + Tabaks Rathinn’s gentlewoman of company), I somehow had not the courage to + go; but begged to be excused, and went early to bed in barracks, out of + which I went and came now almost as I willed, and passed a long night + weeping and thinking about dear Ireland. + </p> + <p> + Next day, my spirits rose again and I got a ten-guinea bill cashed, which + my mother sent in the letter, and gave a handsome treat to some of my + acquaintance. The poor soul’s letter was blotted all over with tears, full + of texts, and written in the wildest incoherent way. She said she was + delighted to think I was under a Protestant prince, though she feared he + was not in the right way: that right way, she said, she had the blessing + to find, under the guidance of the Reverend Joshua Jowls, whom she sat + under. She said he was a precious chosen vessel; a sweet ointment and + precious box of spikenard; and made use of a great number more phrases + that I could not understand; but one thing was clear in the midst of all + this jargon, that the good soul loved her son still, and thought and + prayed day and night for her wild Redmond. Has it not come across many a + poor fellow, in a solitary night’s watch, or in sorrow, sickness, or + captivity, that at that very minute, most likely, his mother is praying + for him? I often have had these thoughts; but they are none of the gayest, + and it’s quite as well that they don’t come to you in company; for where + would be a set of jolly fellows then?—as mute as undertakers at a + funeral, I promise you. I drank my mother’s health that night in a bumper, + and lived like a gentleman whilst the money lasted. She pinched herself to + give it me, as she told me afterwards; and Mr. Jowls was very wroth with + her. Although the good soul’s money was very quickly spent, I was not long + in getting more; for I had a hundred ways of getting it, and became a + universal favourite with the Captain and his friends. Now, it was Madame + von Dose who gave me a Frederic-d’or for bringing her a bouquet or a + letter from the Captain; now it was, on the contrary, the old Privy + Councillor who treated me with a bottle of Rhenish, and slipped into my + hand a dollar or two, in order that I might give him some information + regarding the liaison between my captain and his lady. But though I was + not such a fool as not to take his money, you may be sure I was not + dishonourable enough to betray my benefactor; and he got very little out + of ME. When the Captain and the lady fell out, and he began to pay his + addresses to the rich daughter of the Dutch Minister, I don’t know how + many more letters and guineas the unfortunate Tabaks Rathinn handed over + to me, that I might get her lover back again. But such returns are rare in + love, and the Captain used only to laugh at her stale sighs and + entreaties. In the house of Mynheer Van Guldensack I made myself so + pleasant to high and low, that I came to be quite intimate there: and got + the knowledge of a state secret or two, which surprised and pleased my + captain very much. These little hints he carried to his uncle, the + Minister of Police, who, no doubt, made his advantage of them; and thus I + began to be received quite in a confidential light by the Potzdorff + family, and became a mere nominal soldier, being allowed to appear in + plain clothes (which were, I warrant you, of a neat fashion), and to enjoy + myself in a hundred ways, which the poor fellows my comrades envied. As + for the sergeants, they were as civil to me as to an officer: it was as + much as their stripes were worth to offend a person who had the ear of the + Minister’s nephew. There was in my company a young fellow by the name of + Kurz, who was six feet high in spite of his name, and whose life I had + saved in some affair of the war. What does this lad do, after I had + recounted to him one of my adventures, but call me a spy and informer, and + beg me not to call him DU any more, as is the fashion with young men when + they are very intimate. I had nothing for it but to call him out; but I + owed him no grudge. I disarmed him in a twinkling; and as I sent his sword + flying over his head, said to him, ‘Kurz, did ever you know a man guilty + of a mean action who can do as I do now?’ This silenced the rest of the + grumblers; and no man ever sneered at me after that. + </p> + <p> + No man can suppose that to a person of my fashion the waiting in + antechambers, the conversation of footmen and hangers-on, was pleasant. + But it was not more degrading than the barrack-room, of which I need not + say I was heartily sick. My protestations of liking for the army were all + intended to throw dust into the eyes of my employer. I sighed to be out of + slavery. I knew I was born to make a figure in the world. Had I been one + of the Neiss garrison, I would have cut my way to freedom by the side of + the gallant Frenchman; but here I had only artifice to enable me to attain + my end, and was not I justified in employing it? My plan was this: I may + make myself so necessary to M. de Potzdorff, that he will obtain my + freedom. Once free, with my fine person and good family, I will do what + ten thousand Irish gentlemen have done before, and will marry a lady of + fortune and condition. And the proof that I was, if not disinterested, at + least actuated by a noble ambition, is this. There was a fat grocer’s + widow in Berlin with six hundred thalers of rent, and a good business, who + gave me to understand that she would purchase my discharge if I would + marry her; but I frankly told her that I was not made to be a grocer, and + thus absolutely flung away a chance of freedom which she offered me. + </p> + <p> + And I was grateful to my employers; more grateful than they to me. The + Captain was in debt, and had dealings with the Jews, to whom he gave notes + of hand payable on his uncle’s death. The old Herr von Potzdorff, seeing + the confidence his nephew had in me, offered to bribe me to know what the + young man’s affairs really were. But what did I do? I informed Monsieur + George von Potzdorff of the fact; and we made out, in concert, a list of + little debts, so moderate, that they actually appeased the old uncle + instead of irritating, and he paid them, being glad to get off so cheap. + </p> + <p> + And a pretty return I got for this fidelity. One morning, the old + gentleman being closeted with his nephew (he used to come to get any news + stirring as to what the young officers of the regiment were doing: whether + this or that gambled; who intrigued, and with whom; who was at the ridotto + on such a night; who was in debt, and what not; for the King liked to know + the business of every officer in his army), I was sent with a letter to + the Marquis d’Argens (that afterwards married Mademoiselle Cochois the + actress), and, meeting the Marquis at a few paces off in the street, gave + my message, and returned to the Captain’s lodging. He and his worthy uncle + were making my unworthy self the subject of conversation. + </p> + <p> + ‘He is noble,’ said the Captain. + </p> + <p> + ‘Bah!’ replied the uncle (whom I could have throttled for his insolence). + ‘All the beggarly Irish who ever enlisted tell the same story.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘He was kidnapped by Galgenstein,’ resumed the other. + </p> + <p> + ‘A kidnapped deserter,’ said M. Potzdorff; ‘la belle affaire!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Well, I promised the lad I would ask for his discharge; and I am sure you + can make him useful.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘You HAVE asked his discharge,’ answered the elder, laughing. ‘Bon Dieu! + You are a model of probity! You’ll never succeed to my place, George, if + you are no wiser than you are just now. Make the fellow as useful to you + as you please. He has a good manner and a frank countenance. He can lie + with an assurance that I never saw surpassed, and fight, you say, on a + pinch. The scoundrel does not want for good qualities; but he is vain, a + spendthrift, and a bavard. As long as you have the regiment in terrorem + over him, you can do as you like with him. Once let him loose, and the lad + is likely to give you the slip. Keep on promising him; promise to make him + a general, if you like. What the deuce do I care? There are spies enough + to be had in this town without him.’ + </p> + <p> + It was thus that the services I rendered to M. Potzdorff were qualified by + that ungrateful old gentleman; and I stole away from the room extremely + troubled in spirit, to think that another of my fond dreams was thus + dispelled; and that my hopes of getting out of the army, by being useful + to the Captain, were entirely vain. For some time my despair was such, + that I thought of marrying the widow; but the marriages of privates are + never allowed without the direct permission of the King; and it was a + matter of very great doubt whether His Majesty would allow a young fellow + of twenty-two, the handsomest man of his army, to be coupled to a + pimplefaced old widow of sixty, who was quite beyond the age when her + marriage would be likely to multiply the subjects of His Majesty. This + hope of liberty was therefore vain; nor could I hope to purchase my + discharge, unless any charitable soul would lend me a large sum of money; + for, though I made a good deal, as I have said, yet I have always had + through life an incorrigible knack of spending, and (such is my generosity + of disposition) have been in debt ever since I was born. + </p> + <p> + My captain, the sly rascal! gave me a very different version of his + conversation with his uncle to that which I knew to be the true one; and + said smilingly to me, ‘Redmond, I have spoken to the Minister regarding + thy services,[Footnote: The service about which Mr. Barry here speaks has, + and we suspect purposely, been described by him in very dubious terms. It + is most probable that he was employed to wait at the table of strangers in + Berlin, and to bring to the Police Minister any news concerning them which + might at all interest the Government. The great Frederick never received a + guest without taking these hospitable precautions; and as for the duels + which Mr. Barry fights, may we be allowed to hint a doubt as to a great + number of these combats. It will be observed, in one or two other parts of + his Memoirs, that whenever he is at an awkward pass, or does what the + world does not usually consider respectable, a duel, in which he is + victorious, is sure to ensue; from which he argues that he is a man of + undoubted honour.] and thy fortune is made. We shall get thee out of the + army, appoint thee to the police bureau, and procure for thee an + inspectorship of customs; and, in fine, allow thee to move in a better + sphere than that in which Fortune has hitherto placed thee. + </p> + <p> + Although I did not believe a word of this speech, I affected to be very + much moved by it, and of course swore eternal gratitude to the Captain for + his kindness to the poor Irish castaway. + </p> + <p> + ‘Your service at the Dutch Minister’s has pleased me very well. There is + another occasion on which you may make yourself useful to us; and if you + succeed, depend on it your reward will be secure.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘What is the service, sir?’ said I; ‘I will do anything for so kind a + master.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘There is lately come to Berlin,’ said the Captain, ‘a gentleman in the + service of the Empress-Queen, who calls himself the Chevalier de Balibari, + and wears the red riband and star of the Pope’s order of the Spur. He + speaks Italian or French indifferently; but we have some reason to fancy + this Monsieur de Balibari is a native of your country of Ireland. Did you + ever hear such a name as Balibari in Ireland?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Balibari? Balyb—?’ A sudden thought flashed across me. ‘No, sir,’ + said I, ‘I never heard the name.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘You must go into his service. Of course you will not know a word of + English: and if the Chevalier asks as to the particularity of your accent, + say you are a Hungarian. The servant who came with him will be turned away + to-day, and the person to whom he has applied for a faithful fellow will + recommend you. You are a Hungarian; you served in the Seven Years’ War. + You left the army on account of weakness of the loins. You served Monsieur + de Quellenberg two years; he is now with the army in Silesia, but there is + your certificate signed by him. You afterwards lived with Doctor Mopsius, + who will give you a character, if need be; and the landlord of the “Star” + will, of course, certify that you are an honest fellow: but his + certificate goes for nothing. As for the rest of your story, you can + fashion that as you will, and make it as romantic or as ludicrous as your + fancy dictates. Try, however, to win the Chevalier’s confidence by + provoking his compassion. He gambles a great deal, and WINS. Do you know + the cards well?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Only a very little, as soldiers do.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I had thought you more expert. You must find out if the Chevalier cheats; + if he does, we have him. He sees the English and Austrian envoys + continually, and the young men of either Ministry sup repeatedly at his + house. Find out what they talk of; for how much each plays, especially if + any of them play on parole: if you can read his private letters, of course + you will; though about those which go to the post, you need not trouble + yourself; we look at them there. But never see him write a note without + finding out to whom it goes, and by what channel or messenger. He sleeps + with the keys of his despatch-box on a string round his neck. Twenty + Frederics, if you get an impression of the keys. You will, of course, go + in plain clothes. You had best brush the powder out of your hair, and tie + it with a riband simply; your moustache you must of course shave off. + </p> + <p> + With these instructions, and a very small gratuity, the Captain left me. + When I again saw him, he was amused at the change in my appearance. I had, + not without a pang (for they were as black as jet, and curled elegantly), + shaved off my moustaches; had removed the odious grease and flour, which I + always abominated, out of my hair; had mounted a demure French grey coat, + black satin breeches, and a maroon plush waistcoat, and a hat without a + cockade. I looked as meek and humble as any servant out of place could + possibly appear; and I think not my own regiment, which was now at the + review at Potsdam, would have known me. Thus accoutred, I went to the + ‘Star Hotel,’ where this stranger was,—my heart beating with + anxiety, and something telling me that this Chevalier de Balibari was no + other than Barry, of Ballybarry, my father’s eldest brother, who had given + up his estate in consequence of his obstinate adherence to the Romish + superstition. Before I went in to present myself, I went to look in the + remises at his carriage. Had he the Barry arms? Yes, there they were: + argent, a bend gules, with four escallops of the field,—the ancient + coat of my house. They were painted in a shield about as big as my hat, on + a smart chariot handsomely gilded, surmounted with a coronet, and + supported by eight or nine Cupids, cornucopias, and flower-baskets, + according to the queer heraldic fashion of those days. It must be he! I + felt quite feint as I went up the stairs. I was going to present myself + before my uncle in the character of a servant! + </p> + <p> + ‘You are the young man whom M. de Seebach recommended?’ + </p> + <p> + I bowed, and handed him a letter from that gentleman, with which my + captain had taken care to provide me. As he looked at it I had leisure to + examine him. My uncle was a man of sixty years of age, dressed superbly in + a coat and breeches of apricot-coloured velvet, a white satin waistcoat + embroidered with gold like the coat. Across his breast went the purple + riband of his order of the Spur; and the star of the order, an enormous + one, sparkled on his breast. He had rings on all his fingers, a couple of + watches in his fobs, a rich diamond solitaire in the black riband round + his neck, and fastened to the bag of his wig; his ruffles and frills were + decorated with a profusion of the richest lace. He had pink silk stockings + rolled over the knee, and tied with gold garters; and enormous diamond + buckles to his red-heeled shoes. A sword mounted in gold, in a white + fish-skin scabbard; and a hat richly laced, and lined with white feathers, + which were lying on a table beside him, completed the costume of this + splendid gentleman. In height he was about my size, that is, six feet and + half an inch; his cast of features singularly like mine, and extremely + distingue. One of his eyes was closed with a black patch, however; he wore + a little white and red paint, by no means an unusual ornament in those + days; and a pair of moustaches, which fell over his lip and hid a mouth + that I afterwards found had rather a disagreeable expression. When his + beard was removed, the upper teeth appeared to project very much; and his + countenance wore a ghastly fixed smile, by no means pleasant. + </p> + <p> + It was very imprudent of me; but when I saw the splendour of his + appearance, the nobleness of his manner, I felt it impossible to keep + disguise with him; and when he said, ‘Ah, you are a Hungarian, I see!’ I + could hold no longer. + </p> + <p> + ‘Sir,’ said I, ‘I am an Irishman, and my name is Redmond Barry, of + Ballybarry.’ As I spoke, I burst into tears; I can’t tell why; but I had + seen none of my kith or kin for six years, and my heart longed for some + one. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0008" id="link2HCH0008"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VIII. BARRY’S ADIEU TO MILITARY PROFESSION + </h2> + <p> + You who have never been out of your country, know little what it is to + hear a friendly voice in captivity; and there’s many a man that will not + understand the cause of the burst of feeling which I have confessed took + place on my seeing my uncle. He never for a minute thought to question the + truth of what I said. ‘Mother of God!’ cried he, ‘it’s my brother Harry’s + son.’ And I think in my heart he was as much affected as I was at thus + suddenly finding one of his kindred; for he, too, was an exile from home, + and a friendly voice, a look, brought the old country back to his memory + again, and the old days of his boyhood. ‘I’d give five years of my life to + see them again,’ said he, after caressing me very warmly. ‘What?’ asked I. + ‘Why,’ replied he, ‘the green fields, and the river, and the old round + tower, and the burying-place at Ballybarry. ‘Twas a shame for your father + to part with the land, Redmond, that went so long with the name.’ + </p> + <p> + He then began to ask me concerning myself, and I gave him my history at + some length; at which the worthy gentleman laughed many times, saying, + that I was a Barry all over. In the middle of my story he would stop me, + to make me stand back to back, and measure with him (by which I + ascertained that our heights were the same, and that my uncle had a stiff + knee, moreover, which made him walk in a peculiar way), and uttered, + during the course of the narrative, a hundred exclamations of pity, and + kindness, and sympathy. It was ‘Holy Saints!’ and ‘Mother of Heaven!’ and + ‘Blessed Mary!’ continually; by which, and with justice, I concluded that + he was still devotedly attached to the ancient faith of our family. + </p> + <p> + It was with some difficulty that I came to explain to him the last part of + my history, viz., that I was put into his service as a watch upon his + actions, of which I was to give information in a certain quarter. When I + told him (with a great deal of hesitation) of this fact, he burst out + laughing, and enjoyed the joke amazingly. ‘The rascals!’ said he; ‘they + think to catch me, do they? Why, Redmond, my chief conspiracy is a + faro-bank. But the King is so jealous, that he will see a spy in every + person who comes to his miserable capital in the great sandy desert here. + Ah, my boy, I must show you Paris and Vienna!’ + </p> + <p> + I said there was nothing I longed for more than to see any city but + Berlin, and should be delighted to be free of the odious military service. + Indeed, I thought, from his splendour of appearance, the knickknacks about + the room, the gilded carriage in the remise, that my uncle was a man of + vast property; and that he would purchase a dozen, nay, a whole regiment + of substitutes, in order to restore me to freedom. + </p> + <p> + But I was mistaken in my calculations regarding him, as his history of + himself speedily showed me. ‘I have been beaten about the world,’ said he, + ‘ever since the year 1742, when my brother your father (and Heaven forgive + him) cut my family estate from under my heels, by turning heretic, in + order to marry that scold of a mother of yours. Well, let bygones be + bygones. ‘Tis probable that I should have run through the little property + as he did in my place, and I should have had to begin a year or two later + the life I have been leading ever since I was compelled to leave Ireland. + My lad, I have been in every service; and, between ourselves, owe money in + every capital in Europe. I made a campaign or two with the Pandours under + Austrian Trenck. I was captain in the Guard of His Holiness the Pope, I + made the campaign of Scotland with the Prince of Wales—a bad fellow, + my dear, caring more for his mistress and his brandy-bottle than for the + crowns of the three kingdoms. I have served in Spain and in Piedmont; but + I have been a rolling stone, my good fellow. Play—play has been my + ruin; that and beauty’ (here he gave a leer which made him, I must + confess, look anything but handsome; besides, his rouged cheeks were all + beslobbered with the tears which he had shed on receiving me). ‘The women + have made a fool of me, my dear Redmond. I am a soft-hearted creature, and + this minute, at sixty-two, have no more command of myself than when Peggy + O’Dwyer made a fool of me at sixteen.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘’Faith sir,’ says I, laughing, ‘I think it runs in the family!’ and + described to him, much to his amusement, my romantic passion for my + cousin, Nora Brady. He resumed his narrative. + </p> + <p> + ‘The cards now are my only livelihood. Sometimes I am in luck, and then I + lay out my money in these trinkets you see. It’s property, look you, + Redmond; and the only way I have found of keeping a little about me. When + the luck goes against me, why, my dear, my diamonds go to the pawnbrokers, + and I wear paste. Friend Moses the goldsmith will pay me a visit this very + day; for the chances have been against me all the week past, and I must + raise money for the bank to-night. Do you understand the cards?’ + </p> + <p> + I replied that I could play as soldiers do, but had no great skill. + </p> + <p> + ‘We will practise in the morning, my boy,’ said he, ‘and I’ll put you up + to a thing or two worth knowing.’ + </p> + <p> + Of course I was glad to have such an opportunity of acquiring knowledge, + and professed myself delighted to receive my uncle’s instruction. + </p> + <p> + The Chevalier’s account of himself rather disagreeably affected me. All + his show was on his back, as he said. His carriage, with the fine gilding, + was a part of his stock in trade. He HAD a sort of mission from the + Austrian Court:—it was to discover whether a certain quantity of + alloyed ducats which had been traced to Berlin, were from the King’s + treasury. But the real end of Monsieur de Balibari was play. There was a + young attache of the English embassy, my Lord Deuceace, afterwards + Viscount and Earl of Crabs in the English peerage, who was playing high; + and it was after hearing of the passion of this young English nobleman + that my uncle, then at Prague, determined to visit Berlin and engage him. + For there is a sort of chivalry among the knights of the dice-box: the + fame of great players is known all over Europe. I have known the Chevalier + de Casanova, for instance, to travel six hundred miles, from Paris to + Turin, for the purpose of meeting Mr. Charles Fox, then only my Lord + Holland’s dashing son, afterwards the greatest of European orators and + statesmen. + </p> + <p> + It was agreed that I should keep my character of valet; that in the + presence of strangers I should not know a word of English; that I should + keep a good look-out on the trumps when I was serving the champagne and + punch about; and, having a remarkably fine eyesight and a great natural + aptitude, I was speedily able to give my dear uncle much assistance + against his opponents at the green table. Some prudish persons may affect + indignation at the frankness of these confessions, but Heaven pity them! + Do you suppose that any man who has lost or won a hundred thousand pounds + at play will not take the advantages which his neighbour enjoys? They are + all the same. But it is only the clumsy fool who CHEATS; who resorts to + the vulgar expedients of cogged dice and cut cards. Such a man is sure to + go wrong some time or other, and is not fit to play in the society of + gallant gentlemen; and my advice to people who see such a vulgar person at + his pranks is, of course, to back him while he plays, but never—never + to have anything to do with him. Play grandly, honourably. Be not, of + course, cast down at losing; but above all, be not eager at winning, as + mean souls are. And, indeed, with all one’s skill and advantages, winning + is often problematical; I have seen a sheer ignoramus that knows no more + of play than of Hebrew, blunder you out of five thousand pounds in a few + turns of the cards. I have seen a gentleman and his confederate play + against another and HIS confederate. One never is secure in these cases: + and when one considers the time and labour spent, the genius, the anxiety, + the outlay of money required, the multiplicity of bad debts that one meets + with (for dishonourable rascals are to be found at the play-table, as + everywhere else in the world), I say, for my part, the profession is a bad + one; and, indeed, have scarcely ever met a man who, in the end, profited + by it. I am writing now with the experience of a man of the world. At the + time I speak of I was a lad, dazzled by the idea of wealth, and + respecting, certainly too much, my uncle’s superior age and station in + life. + </p> + <p> + There is no need to particularise here the little arrangements made + between us; the playmen of the present day want no instruction, I take it, + and the public have little interest in the matter. But simplicity was our + secret. Everything successful is simple. If, for instance, I wiped the + dust off a chair with my napkin, it was to show that the enemy was strong + in diamonds; if I pushed it, he had ace, king; if I said, ‘Punch or wine, + my Lord?’ hearts was meant; if ‘Wine or punch?’ clubs. If I blew my nose, + it was to indicate that there was another confederate employed by the + adversary; and THEN, I warrant you, some pretty trials of skill would take + place. My Lord Deuceace, although so young, had a very great skill and + cleverness with the cards in every way; and it was only from hearing Frank + Punter, who came with him, yawn three times when the Chevalier had the ace + of trumps, that I knew we were Greek to Greek, as it were. + </p> + <p> + My assumed dulness was perfect; and I used to make Monsieur de Potzdorff + laugh with it, when I carried my little reports to him at the Garden-house + outside the town where he gave me rendezvous. These reports, of course, + were arranged between me and my uncle beforehand. I was instructed (and it + is always far the best way) to tell as much truth as my story would + possibly bear. When, for instance, he would ask me, ‘What does the + Chevalier do of a morning?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘He goes to church regularly’ (he was very religious), ‘and after hearing + mass comes home to breakfast. Then he takes an airing in his chariot till + dinner, which is served at noon. After dinner he writes his letters, if he + have any letters to write: but he has very little to do in this way. His + letters are to the Austrian envoy, with whom he corresponds, but who does + not acknowledge him; and being written in English, of course I look over + his shoulder. He generally writes for money. He says he wants it to bribe + the secretaries of the Treasury, in order to find out really where the + alloyed ducats come from; but, in fact, he wants it to play of evenings, + when he makes his party with Calsabigi, the lottery-contractor, the + Russian attaches, two from the English embassy, my Lords Deuceace and + Punter, who play a jeu d’enfer, and a few more. The same set meet every + night at supper: there are seldom any ladies; those who come are chiefly + French ladies, members of the corps de ballet. He wins often, but not + always. Lord Deuceace is a very fine player. The Chevalier Elliot, the + English Minister, sometimes comes, on which occasion the secretaries do + not play. Monsieur de Balibari dines at the missions, but en petit comite, + not on grand days of reception. Calsabigi, I think, is his confederate at + play. He has won lately; but the week before last he pledged his solitaire + for four hundred ducats.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Do he and the English attaches talk together in their own language?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Yes; he and the envoy spoke yesterday for half-an-hour about the new + danseuse and the American troubles: chiefly about the new danseuse.’ + </p> + <p> + It will be seen that the information I gave was very minute and accurate, + though not very important. But such as it was, it was carried to the ears + of that famous hero and warrior the Philosopher of Sans Souci; and there + was not a stranger who entered the capital but his actions were similarly + spied and related to Frederick the Great. + </p> + <p> + As long as the play was confined to the young men of the different + embassies, His Majesty did not care to prevent it; nay, he encouraged play + at all the missions, knowing full well that a man in difficulties can be + made to speak, and that a timely rouleau of Frederics would often get him + a secret worth many thousands. He got some papers from the French house in + this way: and I have no doubt that my Lord Deuceace would have supplied + him with information at a similar rate, had his chief not known the young + nobleman’s character pretty well, and had (as is usually the case) the + work of the mission performed by a steady roturier, while the young + brilliant bloods of the suite sported their embroidery at the balls, or + shook their Mechlin ruffles over the green tables at faro. I have seen + many scores of these young sprigs since, of these and their principals, + and, mon Dieu! what fools they are! What dullards, what fribbles, what + addle-headed simple coxcombs! This is one of the lies of the world, this + diplomacy; or how could we suppose, that were the profession as difficult + as the solemn red-box and tape-men would have us believe, they would + invariably choose for it little pink-faced boys from school, with no other + claim than mamma’s title, and able at most to judge of a curricle, a new + dance, or a neat boot? + </p> + <p> + When it became known, however, to the officers of the garrison that there + was a faro-table in town, they were wild to be admitted to the sport; and, + in spite of my entreaties to the contrary, my uncle was not averse to + allow the young gentlemen their fling, and once or twice cleared a + handsome sum out of their purses. It was in vain I told him that I must + carry the news to my captain, before whom his comrades would not fail to + talk, and who would thus know of the intrigue even without my information. + </p> + <p> + ‘Tell him,’ said my uncle. + </p> + <p> + ‘They will send you away,’ said I; ‘then what is to become of me?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Make your mind easy,’ said the latter, with a smile; ‘you shall not be + left behind, I warrant you. Go take a last look at your barracks, make + your mind easy; say a farewell to your friends in Berlin. The dear souls, + how they will weep when they hear you are out of the country; and, as sure + as my name is Barry, out of it you shall go!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘But how, sir?’ said I. + </p> + <p> + ‘Recollect Mr. Fakenham of Fakenham,’ said he knowingly. ‘’Tis you + yourself taught me how. Go get me one of my wigs. Open my despatch-box + yonder, where the great secrets of the Austrian Chancery lie; put your + hair back off you forehead; clap me on this patch and these moustaches, + and now look in the glass!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘The Chevalier de Balibari,’ said I, bursting with laughter, and began + walking the room in his manner with his stiff knee. + </p> + <p> + The next day, when I went to make my report to Monsieur de Potzdorff, I + told him of the young Prussian officers that had been of late gambling; + and he replied, as I expected, that the King had determined to send the + Chevalier out of the country. + </p> + <p> + ‘He is a stingy curmudgeon,’ I replied; ‘I have had but three Frederics + from him in two months, and I hope you will remember your promise to + advance me!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Why, three Frederics were too much for the news you have picked up,’ said + the Captain, sneering. + </p> + <p> + ‘It is not my fault that there has been no more,’ I replied. ‘When is he + to go, sir?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘The day after to-morrow. You say he drives after breakfast and before + dinner. When he comes out to his carriage, a couple of gendarmes will + mount the box, and the coachman will get his orders to move on.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘And his baggage, sir?’ said I. + </p> + <p> + ‘Oh! that will be sent after him. I have a fancy to look into that red box + which contains his papers, you say; and at noon, after parade, shall be at + the inn. You will not say a word to any one there regarding the affair, + and will wait for me at the Chevalier’s rooms until my arrival. We must + force that box. You are a clumsy hound, or you would have got the key long + ago!’ + </p> + <p> + I begged the Captain to remember me, and so took my leave of him. The next + night I placed a couple of pistols under the carriage seat; and I think + the adventures of the following day are quite worthy of the honours of a + separate chapter. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0009" id="link2HCH0009"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER IX. I APPEAR IN A MANNER BECOMING MY NAME AND LINEAGE + </h2> + <p> + Fortune smiling at parting upon Monsieur de Balibari, enabled him to win a + handsome sum with his faro-bank. + </p> + <p> + At ten o’clock the next morning, the carriage of the Chevalier de Balibari + drew up as usual at the door of his hotel; and the Chevalier, who was at + his window, seeing the chariot arrive, came down the stairs in his usual + stately manner. + </p> + <p> + ‘Where is my rascal Ambrose?’ said he, looking around and not finding his + servant to open the door. + </p> + <p> + ‘I will let down the steps for your honour,’ said a gendarme, who was + standing by the carriage; and no sooner had the Chevalier entered, than + the officer jumped in after him, another mounted the box by the coachman, + and the latter began to drive. + </p> + <p> + ‘Good gracious!’ said the Chevalier, ‘what is this?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘You are going to drive to the frontier,’ said the gendarme, touching his + hat. + </p> + <p> + ‘It is shameful—infamous! I insist upon being put down at the + Austrian Ambassador’s house!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I have orders to gag your honour if you cry out,’ said the gendarme. + </p> + <p> + ‘All Europe shall hear of this!’ said the Chevalier, in a fury. + </p> + <p> + ‘As you please,’ answered the officer, and then both relapsed into + silence. + </p> + <p> + The silence was not broken between Berlin and Potsdam, through which place + the Chevalier passed as His Majesty was reviewing his guards there, and + the regiments of Bulow, Zitwitz, and Henkel de Donnersmark. As the + Chevalier passed His Majesty, the King raised his hat and said, ‘Qu’il ne + descende pas: je lui souhaite un bon voyage.’ The Chevalier de Balibari + acknowledged this courtesy by a profound bow. + </p> + <p> + They had not got far beyond Potsdam, when boom! the alarm cannon began to + roar. + </p> + <p> + ‘It is a deserter,’ said the officer. + </p> + <p> + ‘Is it possible?’ said the Chevalier, and sank back into his carriage + again. + </p> + <p> + Hearing the sound of the guns, the common people came out along the road + with fowling-pieces and pitchforks, in hopes to catch the truant. The + gendarmes seemed very anxious to be on the look-out for him too. The price + of a deserter was fifty crowns to those who brought him in. + </p> + <p> + ‘Confess, sir,’ said the Chevalier to the police officer in the carriage + with him, ‘that you long to be rid of me, from whom you can get nothing, + and to be on the look-out for the deserter who may bring you in fifty + crowns? Why not tell the postilion to push on? You may land me at the + frontier and get back to your hunt all the sooner.’ The officer told the + postillion to get on; but the way seemed intolerably long to the + Chevalier. Once or twice he thought he heard the noise of horse galloping + behind: his own horses did not seem to go two miles an hour; but they DID + go. The black and white barriers came in view at last, hard by Bruck, and + opposite them the green and yellow of Saxony. The Saxon custom-house + officers came out. + </p> + <p> + ‘I have no luggage,’ said the Chevalier. + </p> + <p> + ‘The gentleman has nothing contraband,’ said the Prussian officers, + grinning, and took their leave of their prisoner with much respect. + </p> + <p> + The Chevalier de Balibari gave them a Frederic apiece. + </p> + <p> + ‘Gentlemen,’ said he, ‘I wish you a good day. Will you please to go to the + house whence we set out this morning, and tell my man there to send on my + baggage to the “Three Kings” at Dresden?’ + </p> + <p> + Then ordering fresh horses, the Chevalier set off on his journey for that + capital. I need not tell you that <i>I</i> was the Chevalier. + </p> + <p> + ‘From the Chevalier de Balibari to Redmond Barry, Esquire, Gentilhomme + Anglais, a l’Hotel des 3 Couronnes, a Dresde en Saxe. + </p> + <p> + ‘Nephew Redmond,—This comes to you by a sure hand, no other than Mr. + Lumpit of the English Mission, who is acquainted, as all Berlin will be + directly, with our wonderful story. They only know half as yet; they only + know that a deserter went off in my clothes, and all are in admiration of + your cleverness and valour. + </p> + <p> + ‘I confess that for two hours after your departure I lay in bed in no + small trepidation, thinking whether His Majesty might have a fancy to send + me to Spandau, for the freak of which we had both been guilty. But in that + case I had taken my precautions: I had written a statement of the case to + my chief, the Austrian Minister, with the full and true story how you had + been set to spy upon me, how you turned out to be my very near relative, + how you had been kidnapped yourself into the service, and how we both had + determined to effect your escape. The laugh would have been so much + against the King, that he never would have dared to lay a finger upon me. + What would Monsieur de Voltaire have said to such an act of tyranny? But + it was a lucky day, and everything has turned out to my wish. As I lay in + my bed two and a half hours after your departure, in comes your ex-Captain + Potzdorff. “Redmont!” says he, in his imperious High-Dutch way, “are you + there?” No answer. “The rogue is gone out,” said he; and straightway makes + for my red box where I keep my love-letters, my glass eye which I used to + wear, my favourite lucky dice with which I threw the thirteen mains at + Prague; my two sets of Paris teeth, and my other private matters that you + know of. + </p> + <p> + ‘He first tried a bunch of keys, but none of them would fit the little + English lock. Then my gentleman takes out of his pocket a chisel and + hammer, and falls to work like a professional burglar, actually bursting + open my little box! + </p> + <p> + ‘Now was my time to act. I advance towards him armed with an immense + water-jug. I come noiselessly up to him just as he had broken the box, and + with all my might I deal him such a blow over the head as smashes the + water-jug to atoms, and sends my captain with a snort lifeless to the + ground. I thought I had killed him. + </p> + <p> + ‘Then I ring all the bells in the house; and shout and swear and scream, + “Thieves!—thieves!—landlord!—murder!—fire!” until + the whole household come tumbling up the stairs. “Where is my servant?” + roar I. “Who dares to rob me in open day? Look at the villain whom I find + in the act of breaking my chest open! Send for the police, send for his + Excellency the Austrian Minister! all Europe shall know of this insult!” + </p> + <p> + ‘“Dear Heaven!” says the landlord, “we saw you go away three hours ago!” + </p> + <p> + ‘“ME!” says I; “why, man, I have been in bed all the morning. I am ill—I + have taken physic—I have not left the house this morning! Where is + that scoundrel Ambrose? But, stop! where are my clothes and wig?” for I + was standing before them in my chamber-gown and stockings, with my + nightcap on. + </p> + <p> + ‘“I have it—I have it!” says a little chambermaid: “Ambrose is off + in your honour’s dress.” + </p> + <p> + ‘“And my money—my money!” says I; “where is my purse with + forty-eight Frederics in it? But we have one of the villains left. + Officers, seize him!” + </p> + <p> + ‘“It’s the young Herr von Potzdorff!” says the landlord, more and more + astonished. + </p> + <p> + ‘“What! a gentleman breaking open my trunk with hammer and chisel—impossible!” + </p> + <p> + ‘Herr von Potzdorff was returning to life by this time, with a swelling on + his skull as big as a saucepan; and the officers carried him off, and the + judge who was sent for dressed a proces verbal of the matter, and I + demanded a copy of it, which I sent forthwith to my ambassador. + </p> + <p> + ‘I was kept a prisoner to my room the next day, and a judge, a general, + and a host of lawyers, officers, and officials, were set upon me to bully, + perplex, threaten, and cajole me. I said it was true you had told me that + you had been kidnapped into the service, that I thought you were released + from it, and that I had you with the best recommendations. I appealed to + my Minister, who was bound to come to my aid; and, to make a long story + short, poor Potzdorff is now on his way to Spandau; and his uncle, the + elder Potzdorff, has brought me five hundred louis, with a humble request + that I would leave Berlin forthwith, and hush up this painful matter. + </p> + <p> + ‘I shall be with you at the “Three Crowns” the day after you receive this. + Ask Mr. Lumpit to dinner. Do not spare your money—you are my son. + Everybody in Dresden knows your loving uncle, + </p> + <p> + ‘THE CHEVALIER DE BALIBARI.’ + </p> + <p> + And by these wonderful circumstances I was once more free again: and I + kept my resolution then made, never to fall more into the hands of any + recruiter, and henceforth and for ever to be a gentleman. + </p> + <p> + With this sum of money, and a good run of luck which ensued presently, we + were enabled to make no ungenteel figure. My uncle speedily joined me at + the inn at Dresden, where, under pretence of illness, I had kept quiet + until his arrival; and, as the Chevalier de Balibari was in particular + good odour at the Court of Dresden (having been an intimate acquaintance + of the late monarch, the Elector, King of Poland, the most dissolute and + agreeable of European princes), I was speedily in the very best society of + the Saxon capital: where I may say that my own person and manners, and the + singularity of the adventures in which I had been a hero, made me + especially welcome. There was not a party of the nobility to which the two + gentlemen of Balibari were not invited. I had the honour of kissing hands + and being graciously received at Court by the Elector, and I wrote home to + my mother such a flaming description of my prosperity, that the good soul + very nearly forgot her celestial welfare and her confessor, the Reverend + Joshua Jowls, in order to come after me to Germany; but travelling was + very difficult in those days, and so we were spared the arrival of the + good lady. + </p> + <p> + I think the soul of Harry Barry, my father, who was always so genteel in + his turn of mind, must have rejoiced to see the position which I now + occupied; all the women anxious to receive me, all the men in a fury; + hobnobbing with dukes and counts at supper, dancing minuets with + high-well-born baronesses (as they absurdly call themselves in Germany), + with lovely excellencies, nay, with highnesses and transparencies + themselves: who could compete with the gallant young Irish noble? who + would suppose that seven weeks before I had been a common—bah! I am + ashamed to think of it! One of the pleasantest moments of my life was at a + grand gala at the Electoral Palace, where I had the honour of walking a + polonaise with no other than the Margravine of Bayreuth, old Fritz’s own + sister: old Fritz’s, whose hateful blue-baize livery I had worn, whose + belts I had pipeclayed, and whose abominable rations of small beer and + sauerkraut I had swallowed for five years. + </p> + <p> + Having won an English chariot from an Italian gentleman at play, my uncle + had our arms painted on the panels in a more splendid way than ever, + surmounted (as we were descended from the ancient kings) with an Irish + crown of the most splendid size and gilding. I had this crown in lieu of a + coronet engraved on a large amethyst signet-ring worn on my forefinger; + and I don’t mind confessing that I used to say the jewel had been in my + family for several thousand years, having originally belonged to my direct + ancestor, his late Majesty King Brian Boru, or Barry. I warrant the + legends of the Heralds’ College are not more authentic than mine was. + </p> + <p> + At first the Minister and the gentlemen at the English hotel used to be + rather shy of us two Irish noblemen, and questioned our pretensions to + rank. The Minister was a lord’s son, it is true, but he was likewise a + grocer’s grandson; and so I told him at Count Lobkowitz’s masquerade. My + uncle, like a noble gentleman as he was, knew the pedigree of every + considerable family in Europe. He said it was the only knowledge befitting + a gentleman; and when we were not at cards, we would pass hours over + Gwillim or D’Hozier, reading the genealogies, learning the blazons, and + making ourselves acquainted with the relationships of our class. Alas! the + noble science is going into disrepute now: so are cards, without which + studies and pastimes I can hardly conceive how a man of honour can exist. + </p> + <p> + My first affair of honour with a man of undoubted fashion was on the score + of my nobility, with young Sir Rumford Bumford of the English embassy; my + uncle at the same time sending a cartel to the Minister, who declined to + come. I shot Sir Rumford in the leg, amidst the tears of joy of my uncle, + who accompanied me to the ground; and I promise you that none of the young + gentlemen questioned the authenticity of my pedigree, or laughed at my + Irish crown again. + </p> + <p> + What a delightful life did we now lead! I knew I was born a gentleman, + from the kindly way in which I took to the business: as business it + certainly is. For though it SEEMS all pleasure, yet I assure any low-bred + persons who may chance to read this, that we, their betters, have to work + as well as they: though I did not rise until noon, yet had I not been up + at play until long past midnight? Many a time have we come home to bed as + the troops were marching out to early parade; and oh! it did my heart good + to hear the bugles blowing the reveille before daybreak, or to see the + regiments marching out to exercise, and think that I was no longer bound + to that disgusting discipline, but restored to my natural station. + </p> + <p> + I came into it at once, and as if I had never done anything else all my + life. I had a gentleman to wait upon me, a French friseur to dress my hair + of a morning; I knew the taste of chocolate as by intuition almost, and + could distinguish between the right Spanish and the French before I had + been a week in my new position; I had rings on all my fingers, watches in + both my fobs, canes, trinkets, and snuffboxes of all sorts, and each + outvying the other in elegance. I had the finest natural taste for lace + and china of any man I ever knew; I could judge a horse as well as any Jew + dealer in Germany; in shooting and athletic exercises I was unrivalled; I + could not spell, but I could speak German and French cleverly. I had at + the least twelve suits of clothes; three richly embroidered with gold, two + laced with silver, a garnet-coloured velvet pelisse lined with sable; one + of French grey, silver-laced, and lined with chinchilla. I had damask + morning robes. I took lessons on the guitar, and sang French catches + exquisitely. Where, in fact, was there a more accomplished gentleman than + Redmond de Balibari? + </p> + <p> + All the luxuries becoming my station could not, of course, be purchased + without credit and money: to procure which, as our patrimony had been + wasted by our ancestors, and we were above the vulgarity and slow returns + and doubtful chances of trade, my uncle kept a faro-bank. We were in + partnership with a Florentine, well known in all the Courts of Europe, the + Count Alessandro Pippi, as skilful a player as ever was seen; but he + turned out a sad knave latterly, and I have discovered that his countship + was a mere imposture. My uncle was maimed, as I have said; Pippi, like all + impostors, was a coward; it was my unrivalled skill with the sword, and + readiness to use it, that maintained the reputation of the firm, so to + speak, and silenced many a timid gambler who might have hesitated to pay + his losings. We always played on parole with anybody: any person, that is, + of honour and noble lineage. We never pressed for our winnings or declined + to receive promissory notes in lieu of gold. But woe to the man who did + not pay when the note became due! Redmond de Balibari was sure to wait + upon him with his bill, and I promise you there were very few bad debts: + on the contrary, gentlemen were grateful to us for our forbearance, and + our character for honour stood unimpeached. In later times, a vulgar + national prejudice has chosen to cast a slur upon the character of men of + honour engaged in the profession of play; but I speak of the good old days + in Europe, before the cowardice of the French aristocracy (in the shameful + Revolution, which served them right) brought discredit and ruin upon our + order. They cry fie now upon men engaged in play; but I should like to + know how much more honourable THEIR modes of livelihood are than ours. The + broker of the Exchange who bulls and bears, and buys and sells, and + dabbles with lying loans, and trades on State secrets, what is he but a + gamester? The merchant who deals in teas and tallow, is he any better? His + bales of dirty indigo are his dice, his cards come up every year instead + of every ten minutes, and the sea is his green table. You call the + profession of the law an honourable one, where a man will lie for any + bidder; lie down poverty for the sake of a fee from wealth, lie down right + because wrong is in his brief. You call a doctor an honourable man, a + swindling quack, who does not believe in the nostrums which he prescribes, + and takes your guinea for whispering in your ear that it is a fine + morning; and yet, forsooth, a gallant man who sits him down before the + baize and challenges all comers, his money against theirs, his fortune + against theirs, is proscribed by your modern moral world. It is a + conspiracy of the middle classes against gentlemen: it is only the + shopkeeper cant which is to go down nowadays. I say that play was an + institution of chivalry: it has been wrecked, along with other privileges + of men of birth. When Seingalt engaged a man for six-and-thirty hours + without leaving the table, do you think he showed no courage? How have we + had the best blood, and the brightest eyes, too, of Europe throbbing round + the table, as I and my uncle have held the cards and the bank against some + terrible player, who was matching some thousands out of his millions + against our all which was there on the baize! when we engaged that daring + Alexis Kossloffsky, and won seven thousand louis in a single coup, had we + lost, we should have been beggars the next day; when HE lost, he was only + a village and a few hundred serfs in pawn the worse. When, at Toeplitz, + the Duke of Courland brought fourteen lacqueys, each with four bags of + florins, and challenged our bank to play against the sealed bags, what did + we ask? ‘Sir,’ said we, ‘we have but eighty thousand florins in bank, or + two hundred thousand at three months. If your Highness’s bags do not + contain more than eighty thousand, we will meet you.’ And we did, and + after eleven hours’ play, in which our bank was at one time reduced to two + hundred and three ducats, we won seventeen thousand florins of him. Is + THIS not something like boldness? does THIS profession not require skill, + and perseverance, and bravery? Four crowned heads looked on at the game, + and an Imperial princess, when I turned up the ace of hearts and made + Paroli, burst into tears. No man on the European Continent held a higher + position than Redmond Barry then; and when the Duke of Courland lost, he + was pleased to say that we had won nobly; and so we had, and spent nobly + what we won. + </p> + <p> + At this period my uncle, who attended mass every day regularly, always put + ten florins into the box. Wherever we went, the tavern-keepers made us + more welcome than royal princes. We used to give away the broken meat from + our suppers and dinners to scores of beggars who blessed us. Every man who + held my horse or cleaned my boots got a ducat for his pains. I was, I may + say, the author of our common good fortune, by putting boldness into our + play. Pippi was a faint-hearted fellow, who was always cowardly when he + began to win. My uncle (I speak with great respect of him) was too much of + a devotee, and too much of a martinet at play ever to win GREATLY. His + moral courage was unquestionable, but his daring was not sufficient. Both + of these my seniors very soon acknowledged me to be their chief, and hence + the style of splendour I have described. + </p> + <p> + I have mentioned H.I.H. the Princess Frederica Amelia, who was affected by + my success, and shall always think with gratitude of the protection with + which that exalted lady honoured me. She was passionately fond of play, as + indeed were the ladies of almost all the Courts in Europe in those days, + and hence would often arise no small trouble to us; for the truth must be + told, that ladies love to play, certainly, but not to PAY. The point of + honour is not understood by the charming sex; and it was with the greatest + difficulty, in our peregrinations to the various Courts of Northern + Europe, that we could keep them from the table, could get their money if + they lost, or, if they paid, prevent them from using the most furious and + extraordinary means of revenge. In those great days of our fortune, I + calculate that we lost no less than fourteen thousand louis by such + failures of payment. A princess of a ducal house gave us paste instead of + diamonds, which she had solemnly pledged to us; another organised a + robbery of the Crown jewels, and would have charged the theft upon us, but + for Pippi’s caution, who had kept back a note of hand ‘her High + Transparency’ gave us, and sent it to his ambassador; by which precaution + I do believe our necks were saved. A third lady of high (but not princely) + rank, after I had won a considerable sum in diamonds and pearls from her, + sent her lover with a band of cut-throats to waylay me; and it was only by + extraordinary courage, skill, and good luck, that I escaped from these + villains, wounded myself, but leaving the chief aggressor dead on the + ground: my sword entered his eye and broke there, and the villains who + were with him fled, seeing their chief fall. They might have finished me + else, for I had no weapon of defence. + </p> + <p> + Thus it will be seen that our life, for all its splendour, was one of + extreme danger and difficulty, requiring high talents and courage for + success; and often, when we were in a full vein of success, we were + suddenly driven from our ground on account of some freak of a reigning + prince, some intrigue of a disappointed mistress, or some quarrel with the + police minister. If the latter personage were not bribed or won over, + nothing was more common than for us to receive a sudden order of + departure; and so, perforce, we lived a wandering and desultory life. + </p> + <p> + Though the gains of such a life are, as I have said, very great, yet the + expenses are enormous. Our appearance and retinue was too splendid for the + narrow mind of Pippi, who was always crying out at my extravagance, though + obliged to own that his own meanness and parsimony would never have + achieved the great victories which my generosity had won. With all our + success, our capital was not very great. That speech to the Duke of + Courland, for instance, was a mere boast as far as the two hundred + thousand florins at three months were concerned. We had no credit, and no + money beyond that on our table, and should have been forced to fly if his + Highness had won and accepted our bills. Sometimes, too, we were hit very + hard. A bank is a certainty, ALMOST; but now and then a bad day will come; + and men who have the courage of good fortune, at least, ought to meet bad + luck well: the former, believe me, is the harder task of the two. + </p> + <p> + One of these evil chances befell us in the Duke of Baden’s territory, at + Mannheim. Pippi, who was always on the look-out for business, offered to + make a bank at the inn where we put up, and where the officers of the + Duke’s cuirassiers supped; and some small play accordingly took place, and + some wretched crowns and louis changed hands: I trust, rather to the + advantage of these poor gentlemen of the army, who are surely the poorest + of all devils under the sun. + </p> + <p> + But, as ill luck would have it, a couple of young students from the + neighbouring University of Heidelberg, who had come to Mannheim for their + quarter’s revenue, and so had some hundred of dollars between them, were + introduced to the table, and, having never played before, began to win (as + is always the case). As ill luck would have it, too, they were tipsy, and + against tipsiness I have often found the best calculations of play fail + entirely. They played in the most perfectly insane way, and yet won + always. Every card they backed turned up in their favour. They had won a + hundred louis from us in ten minutes; and, seeing that Pippi was growing + angry and the luck against us, I was for shutting up the bank for the + night, saying the play was only meant for a joke, and that now we had had + enough. + </p> + <p> + But Pippi, who had quarrelled with me that day, was determined to proceed, + and the upshot was, that the students played and won more; then they lent + money to the officers, who began to win, too; and in this ignoble way, in + a tavern room thick with tobacco-smoke, across a deal table besmeared with + beer and liquor, and to a parcel of hungry subalterns and a pair of + beardless students, three of the most skilful and renowned players in + Europe lost seventeen hundred louis! I blush now when I think of it. It + was like Charles XII or Richard Coeur de Lion falling before a petty + fortress and an unknown hand (as my friend Mr. Johnson wrote), and was, in + fact, a most shameful defeat. + </p> + <p> + Nor was this the only defeat. When our poor conquerors had gone off, + bewildered with the treasure which fortune had flung in their way (one of + these students was called the Baron de Clootz, perhaps he who afterwards + lost his head at Paris), Pippi resumed the quarrel of the morning, and + some exceedingly high words passed between us. Among other things I + recollect I knocked him down with a stool, and was for flinging him out of + the window; but my uncle, who was cool, and had been keeping Lent with his + usual solemnity, interposed between us, and a reconciliation took place, + Pippi apologising and confessing he had been wrong. + </p> + <p> + I ought to have doubted, however, the sincerity of the treacherous + Italian; indeed, as I never before believed a word that he said in his + life, I know not why I was so foolish as to credit him now, and go to bed, + leaving the keys of our cash-box with him. It contained, after our loss to + the cuirassiers, in bills and money, near upon L8000 sterling. Pippi + insisted that our reconciliation should be ratified over a bowl of hot + wine, and I have no doubt put some soporific drug into the liquor; for my + uncle and I both slept till very late the next morning, and woke with + violent headaches and fever: we did not quit our beds till noon. He had + been gone twelve hours, leaving our treasury empty; and behind him a sort + of calculation, by which he strove to make out that this was his share of + the profits, and that all the losses had been incurred without his + consent. + </p> + <p> + Thus, after eighteen months, we had to begin the world again. But was I + cast down? No. Our wardrobes still were worth a very large sum of money; + for gentlemen did not dress like parish-clerks in those days, and a person + of fashion would often wear a suit of clothes and a set of ornaments that + would be a shop-boy’s fortune; so, without repining for one single minute, + or saying a single angry word (my uncle’s temper in this respect was + admirable), or allowing the secret of our loss to be known to a mortal + soul, we pawned three-fourths of our jewels and clothes to Moses Lowe the + banker, and with the produce of the sale, and our private pocket-money, + amounting in all to something less than 800 louis, we took the field + again. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0010" id="link2HCH0010"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER X. MORE RUNS OF LUCK + </h2> + <p> + I am not going to entertain my readers with an account of my professional + career as a gamester, any more than I did with anecdotes of my life as a + military man. I might fill volumes with tales of this kind were I so + minded; but at this rate, my recital would not be brought to a conclusion + for years, and who knows how soon I may be called upon to stop? I have + gout, rheumatism, gravel, and a disordered liver. I have two or three + wounds in my body, which break out every now and then, and give me + intolerable pain, and a hundred more signs of breaking up. Such are the + effects of time, illness, and free-living, upon one of the strongest + constitutions and finest forms the world ever saw. Ah! I suffered from + none of these ills in the year ‘66, when there was no man in Europe more + gay in spirits, more splendid in personal accomplishments, than young + Redmond Barry. + </p> + <p> + Before the treachery of the scoundrel Pippi, I had visited many of the + best Courts of Europe; especially the smaller ones, where play was + patronised, and the professors of that science always welcome. Among the + ecclesiastical principalities of the Rhine we were particularly well + received. I never knew finer or gayer Courts than those of the Electors of + Treves and Cologne, where there was more splendour and gaiety than at + Vienna; far more than in the wretched barrack-court of Berlin. The Court + of the Archduchess-Governess of the Netherlands was, likewise, a royal + place for us knights of the dice-box and gallant votaries of fortune; + whereas in the stingy Dutch or the beggarly Swiss republics, it was + impossible for a gentleman to gain a livelihood unmolested. + </p> + <p> + After our mishap at Mannheim, my uncle and I made for the Duchy of X—-. + The reader may find out the place easily enough; but I do not choose to + print at full the names of some illustrious persons in whose society I + then fell, and among whom I was made the sharer in a very strange and + tragical adventure. + </p> + <p> + There was no Court in Europe at which strangers were more welcome than at + that of the noble Duke of X—-; none where pleasure was more eagerly + sought after, and more splendidly enjoyed. The Prince did not inhabit his + capital of S—-, but, imitating in every respect the ceremonial of + the Court of Versailles, built himself a magnificent palace at a few + leagues from his chief city, and round about his palace a superb + aristocratic town, inhabited entirely by his nobles, and the officers of + his sumptuous Court. The people were rather hardly pressed, to be sure, in + order to keep up this splendour; for his Highness’s dominions were small, + and so he wisely lived in a sort of awful retirement from them, seldom + showing his face in his capital, or seeing any countenances but those of + his faithful domestics and officers. His palace and gardens of Ludwigslust + were exactly on the French model. Twice a week there were Court + receptions, and grand Court galas twice a month. There was the finest + opera out of France, and a ballet unrivalled in splendour; on which his + Highness, a great lover of music and dancing, expended prodigious sums. It + may be because I was then young, but I think I never saw such an + assemblage of brilliant beauty as used to figure there on the stage of the + Court theatre, in the grand mythological ballets which were then the mode, + and in which you saw Mars in red-heeled pumps and a periwig, and Venus in + patches and a hoop. They say the costume was incorrect, and have changed + it since; but for my part, I have never seen a Venus more lovely than the + Coralie, who was the chief dancer, and found no fault with the attendant + nymphs, in their trains, and lappets, and powder. These operas used to + take place twice a week, after which some great officer of the Court would + have his evening, and his brilliant supper, and the dice-box rattled + everywhere, and all the world played. I have seen seventy play-tables set + out in the grand gallery of Ludwigslust, besides the faro-bank; where the + Duke himself would graciously come and play, and win or lose with a truly + royal splendour. + </p> + <p> + It was hither we came after the Mannheim misfortune. The nobility of the + Court were pleased to say our reputation had preceded us, and the two + Irish gentleman were made welcome. The very first night at Court we lost + 740 of our 800 louis; the next evening, at the Court Marshal’s table, I + won them back, with 1300 more. You may be sure we allowed no one to know + how near we were to ruin on the first evening; but, on the contrary, I + endeared every one to me by my gay manner of losing, and the Finance + Minister himself cashed a note for 400 ducats, drawn by me upon my steward + of Ballybarry Castle in the kingdom of Ireland; which very note I won from + his Excellency the next day, along with a considerable sum in ready cash. + In that noble Court everybody was a gambler. You would see the lacqueys in + the ducal ante-rooms at work with their dirty packs of cards; the coach + and chair men playing in the court, while their masters were punting in + the saloons above; the very cook-maids and scullions, I was told, had a + bank, where one of them, an Italian confectioner, made a handsome fortune: + he purchased afterwards a Roman marquisate, and his son has figured as one + of the most fashionable of the illustrious foreigners in London. The poor + devils of soldiers played away their pay when they got it, which was + seldom; and I don’t believe there was an officer in any one of the guard + regiments but had his cards in his pouch, and no more forgot his dice than + his sword-knot. Among such fellows it was diamond cut diamond. What you + call fair play would have been a folly. The gentlemen of Ballybarry would + have been fools indeed to appear as pigeons in such a hawk’s nest. None + but men of courage and genius could live and prosper in a society where + every one was bold and clever; and here my uncle and I held our own: ay, + and more than our own. + </p> + <p> + His Highness the Duke was a widower, or rather, since the death of the + reigning Duchess, had contracted a morganatic marriage with a lady whom he + had ennobled, and who considered it a compliment (such was the morality of + those days) to be called the Northern Dubarry. He had been married very + young, and his son, the Hereditary Prince, may be said to have been the + political sovereign of the State: for the reigning Duke was fonder of + pleasure than of politics, and loved to talk a great deal more with his + grand huntsman, or the director of his opera, than with ministers and + ambassadors. + </p> + <p> + The Hereditary Prince, whom I shall call Prince Victor, was of a very + different character from his august father. He had made the Wars of the + Succession and Seven Years with great credit in the Empress’s service, was + of a stern character, seldom appeared at Court, except when ceremony + called him, but lived almost alone in his wing of the palace, where he + devoted himself to the severest studies, being a great astronomer and + chemist. He shared in the rage then common throughout Europe, of hunting + for the philosopher’s stone; and my uncle often regretted that he had no + smattering of chemistry, like Balsamo (who called himself Cagliostro), St. + Germain, and other individuals, who had obtained very great sums from Duke + Victor by aiding him in his search after the great secret. His amusements + were hunting and reviewing the troops; but for him, and if his + good-natured father had not had his aid, the army would have been playing + at cards all day, and so it was well that the prudent prince was left to + govern. + </p> + <p> + Duke Victor was fifty years of age, and his princess, the Princess Olivia, + was scarce three-and-twenty. They had been married seven years, and in the + first years of their union the Princess had borne him a son and a + daughter. The stern morals and manners, the dark and ungainly appearance, + of the husband, were little likely to please the brilliant and fascinating + young woman, who had been educated in the south (she was connected with + the ducal house of S—-), who had passed two years at Paris under the + guardianship of Mesdames the daughters of His Most Christian Majesty, and + who was the life and soul of the Court of X—-, the gayest of the + gay, the idol of her august father-in-law, and, indeed, of the whole + Court. She was not beautiful, but charming; not witty, but charming, too, + in her conversation as in her person. She was extravagant beyond all + measure; so false, that you could not trust her; but her very weaknesses + were more winning than the virtues of other women, her selfishness more + delightful than others’ generosity. I never knew a woman whose faults made + her so attractive. She used to ruin people, and yet they all loved her. My + old uncle has seen her cheating at ombre, and let her win 400 louis + without resisting in the least. Her caprices with the officers and ladies + of her household were ceaseless: but they adored her. She was the only one + of the reigning family whom the people worshipped. She never went abroad + but they followed her carriage with shouts of acclamation: and, to be + generous to them, she would borrow the last penny from one of her poor + maids of honour, whom she would never pay. In the early days her husband + was as much fascinated by her as all the rest of the world was; but her + caprices had caused frightful outbreaks of temper on his part, and an + estrangement which, though interrupted by almost mad returns of love, was + still general. I speak of her Royal Highness with perfect candour and + admiration, although I might be pardoned for judging her more severely, + considering her opinion of myself. She said the elder Monsieur de Balibari + was a finished old gentleman, and the younger one had the manners of a + courier. The world has given a different opinion, and I can afford to + chronicle this almost single sentence against me. Besides, she had a + reason for her dislike to me, which you shall hear. + </p> + <p> + Five years in the army, long experience of the world, had ere now + dispelled any of those romantic notions regarding love with which I + commenced life; and I had determined, as is proper with gentlemen (it is + only your low people who marry for mere affection), to consolidate my + fortunes by marriage. In the course of our peregrinations, my uncle and I + had made several attempts to carry this object into effect; but numerous + disappointments had occurred which are not worth mentioning here, and had + prevented me hitherto from making such a match as I thought was worthy of + a man of my birth, abilities, and personal appearance. Ladies are not in + the habit of running away on the Continent, as is the custom in England (a + custom whereby many honourable gentlemen of my country have much + benefited!); guardians, and ceremonies, and difficulties of all kinds + intervene; true love is not allowed to have its course, and poor women + cannot give away their honest hearts to the gallant fellows who have won + them. Now it was settlements that were asked for; now it was my pedigree + and title-deeds that were not satisfactory: though I had a plan and + rent-roll of the Ballybarry estates, and the genealogy of the family up to + King Brian Boru, or Barry, most handsomely designed on paper; now it was a + young lady who was whisked off to a convent just as she was ready to fall + into my arms; on another occasion, when a rich widow of the Low Countries + was about to make me lord of a noble estate in Flanders, comes an order of + the police which drives me out of Brussels at an hour’s notice, and + consigns my mourner to her chateau. But at X—-I had an opportunity + of playing a great game: and had won it too, but for the dreadful + catastrophe which upset my fortune. + </p> + <p> + In the household of the Hereditary Princess there was a lady nineteen + years of age, and possessor of the greatest fortune in the whole duchy. + The Countess Ida, such was her name, was daughter of a late Minister and + favourite of his Highness the Duke of X—-and his Duchess, who had + done her the honour to be her sponsors at birth, and who, at the father’s + death, had taken her under their august guardianship and protection. At + sixteen she was brought from her castle, where, up to that period, she had + been permitted to reside, and had been placed with the Princess Olivia, as + one of her Highness’s maids of honour. + </p> + <p> + The aunt of the Countess Ida, who presided over her house during her + minority, had foolishly allowed her to contract an attachment for her + cousin-german, a penniless sub-lieutenant in one of the Duke’s foot + regiments, who had flattered himself to be able to carry off this rich + prize; and if he had not been a blundering silly idiot indeed, with the + advantage of seeing her constantly, of having no rival near him, and the + intimacy attendant upon close kinsmanship, might easily, by a private + marriage, have secured the young Countess and her possessions. But he + managed matters so foolishly, that he allowed her to leave her retirement, + to come to Court for a year, and take her place in the Princess Olivia’s + household; and then what does my young gentleman do, but appear at the + Duke’s levee one day, in his tarnished epaulet and threadbare coat, and + make an application in due form to his Highness, as the young lady’s + guardian, for the hand of the richest heiress in his dominions! + </p> + <p> + The weakness of the good-natured Prince was such that, as the Countess Ida + herself was quite as eager for the match as her silly cousin, his Highness + might have been induced to allow the match, had not the Princess Olivia + been induced to interpose, and to procure from the Duke a peremptory veto + to the hopes of the young man. The cause of this refusal was as yet + unknown; no other suitor for the young lady’s hand was mentioned, and the + lovers continued to correspond, hoping that time might effect a change in + his Highness’s resolutions; when, of a sudden, the lieutenant was drafted + into one of the regiments which the Prince was in the habit of selling to + the great powers then at war (this military commerce was a principal part + of his Highness’s and other princes’ revenues in those days), and their + connection was thus abruptly broken off. + </p> + <p> + It was strange that the Princess Olivia should have taken this part + against a young lady who had been her favourite; for, at first, with those + romantic and sentimental notions which almost every woman has, she had + somewhat encouraged the Countess Ida and her penniless lover, but now + suddenly turned against them; and, from loving the Countess, as she + previously had done, pursued her with every manner of hatred which a woman + knows how to inflict: there was no end to the ingenuity of her tortures, + the venom of her tongue, the bitterness of her sarcasm and scorn. When I + first came to Court at X—, the young fellows there had nicknamed the + young lady the Dumme Grafinn, the stupid Countess. She was generally + silent, handsome, but pale, stolid-looking, and awkward; taking no + interest in the amusements of the place, and appearing in the midst of the + feasts as glum as the death’s-head which, they say, the Romans used to + have at their tables. + </p> + <p> + It was rumoured that a young gentleman of French extraction, the Chevalier + de Magny, equerry to the Hereditary Prince, and present at Paris when the + Princess Olivia was married to him by proxy there, was the intended of the + rich Countess Ida; but no official declaration of the kind was yet made, + and there were whispers of a dark intrigue: which, subsequently, received + frightful confirmation. + </p> + <p> + This Chevalier de Magny was the grandson of an old general officer in the + Duke’s service, the Baron de Magny. The Baron’s father had quitted France + at the expulsion of Protestants after the revocation of the edict of + Nantes, and taken service in X—, where he died. The son succeeded + him, and, quite unlike most French gentlemen of birth whom I have known, + was a stern and cold Calvinist, rigid in the performance of his duty, + retiring in his manners, mingling little with the Court, and a close + friend and favourite of Duke Victor; whom he resembled in disposition. + </p> + <p> + The Chevalier his grandson was a true Frenchman; he had been born in + France, where his father held a diplomatic appointment in the Duke’s + service. He had mingled in the gay society of the most brilliant Court in + the world, and had endless stories to tell us of the pleasures of the + petites maisons, of the secrets of the Parc aux Cerfs, and of the wild + gaieties of Richelieu and his companions. He had been almost ruined at + play, as his father had been before him; for, out of the reach of the + stern old Baron in Germany, both son and grandson had led the most + reckless of lives. He came back from Paris soon after the embassy which + had been despatched thither on the occasion of the marriage of the + Princess, was received sternly by his old grandfather; who, however, paid + his debts once more, and procured him the post in the Duke’s household. + The Chevalier de Magny rendered himself a great favourite of his august + master; he brought with him the modes and the gaieties of Paris; he was + the deviser of all the masquerades and balls, the recruiter of the + ballet-dancers, and by far the most brilliant and splendid young gentleman + of the Court. + </p> + <p> + After we had been a few weeks at Ludwigslust, the old Baron de Magny + endeavoured to have us dismissed from the duchy; but his voice was not + strong enough to overcome that of the general public, and the Chevalier de + Magny especially stood our friend with his Highness when the question was + debated before him. The Chevalier’s love of play had not deserted him. He + was a regular frequenter of our bank, where he played for some time with + pretty good luck; and where, when he began to lose, he paid with a + regularity surprising to all those who knew the smallness of his means, + and the splendour of his appearance. + </p> + <p> + Her Highness the Princess Olivia was also very fond of play. On + half-a-dozen occasions when we held a bank at Court, I could see her + passion for the game. I could see—that is, my cool-headed old uncle + could see—much more. There was an intelligence between Monsieur de + Magny and this illustrious lady. ‘If her Highness be not in love with the + little Frenchman,’ my uncle said to me one night after play, ‘may I lose + the sight of my last eye!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘And what then, sir?’ said I. + </p> + <p> + ‘What then?’ said my uncle, looking me hard in the face. ‘Are you so green + as not to know what then? Your fortune is to be made, if you choose to + back it now; and we may have back the Barry estates in two years, my boy.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘How is that?’ asked I, still at a loss. + </p> + <p> + My uncle drily said, ‘Get Magny to play; never mind his paying: take his + notes of hand. The more he owes the better; but, above all, make him + play.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘He can’t pay a shilling,’ answered I. ‘The Jews will not discount his + notes at cent. per cent.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘So much the better. You shall see we will make use of them,’ answered the + old gentleman. And I must confess that the plan he laid was a gallant, + clever, and fair one. + </p> + <p> + I was to make Magny play; in this there was no great difficulty. We had an + intimacy together, for he was a good sportsman as well as myself, and we + came to have a pretty considerable friendship for one another; if he saw a + dice-box it was impossible to prevent him from handling it; but he took to + it as natural as a child does to sweetmeats. + </p> + <p> + At first he won of me; then he began to lose; then I played him money + against some jewels that he brought: family trinkets, he said, and indeed + of considerable value. He begged me, however, not to dispose of them in + the duchy, and I gave and kept my word to him to this effect. From jewels + he got to playing upon promissory notes; and as they would not allow him + to play at the Court tables and in public upon credit, he was very glad to + have an opportunity of indulging his favourite passion in private. I have + had him for hours at my pavilion (which I had fitted up in the Eastern + manner, very splendid) rattling the dice till it became time to go to his + service at Court, and we would spend day after day in this manner. He + brought me more jewels,—a pearl necklace, an antique emerald breast + ornament, and other trinkets, as a set-off against these losses: for I + need not say that I should not have played with him all this time had he + been winning; but, after about a week, the luck set in against him, and he + became my debtor in a prodigious sum. I do not care to mention the extent + of it; it was such as I never thought the young man could pay. + </p> + <p> + Why, then, did I play for it? Why waste days in private play with a mere + bankrupt, when business seemingly much more profitable was to be done + elsewhere? My reason I boldly confess. I wanted to win from Monsieur de + Magny, not his money, but his intended wife, the Countess Ida. Who can say + that I had not a right to use ANY stratagem in this matter of love? Or, + why say love? I wanted the wealth of the lady: I loved her quite as much + as Magny did; I loved her quite as much as yonder blushing virgin of + seventeen does who marries an old lord of seventy. I followed the practice + of the world in this; having resolved that marriage should achieve my + fortune. + </p> + <p> + I used to make Magny, after his losses, give me a friendly letter of + acknowledgment to some such effect as this,— + </p> + <p> + ‘MY DEAR MONSIEUR DE BALIBARI,—I acknowledge to have lost to you + this day at lansquenet [or picquet, or hazard, as the case may be: I was + master of him at any game that is played] the sum of three hundred ducats, + and shall hold it as a great kindness on your part if you will allow the + debt to stand over until a future day, when you shall receive payment from + your very grateful humble servant.’ + </p> + <p> + With the jewels he brought me I also took the precaution (but this was my + uncle’s idea, and a very good one) to have a sort of invoice, and a letter + begging me to receive the trinkets as so much part payment of a sum of + money he owed me. + </p> + <p> + When I had put him in such a position as I deemed favourable to my + intentions, I spoke to him candidly, and without any reserve, as one man + of the world should speak to another. ‘I will not, my dear fellow,’ said + I, ‘pay you so bad a compliment as to suppose that you expect we are to go + on playing at this rate much longer, and that there is any satisfaction to + me in possessing more or less sheets of paper bearing your signature, and + a series of notes of hand which I know you never can pay. Don’t look + fierce or angry, for you know Redmond Barry is your master at the sword; + besides, I would not be such a fool as to fight a man who owes me so much + money; but hear calmly what I have to propose. + </p> + <p> + ‘You have been very confidential to me during our intimacy of the last + month; and I know all your personal affairs completely. You have given + your word of honour to your grandfather never to play upon parole, and you + know how you have kept it, and that he will disinherit you if he hears the + truth. Nay, suppose he dies to-morrow, his estate is not sufficient to pay + the sum in which you are indebted to me; and, were you to yield me up all, + you would be a beggar, and a bankrupt too. + </p> + <p> + ‘Her Highness the Princess Olivia denies you nothing. I shall not ask why; + but give me leave to say, I was aware of the fact when we began to play + together.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Will you be made baron-chamberlain, with the grand cordon of the order?’ + gasped the poor fellow. ‘The Princess can do anything with the Duke.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I shall have no objection,’ said I, ‘to the yellow riband and the gold + key; though a gentleman of the house of Ballybarry cares little for the + titles of the German nobility. But this is not what I want. My good + Chevalier, you have hid no secrets from me. You have told me with what + difficulty you have induced the Princess Olivia to consent to the project + of your union with the Grafinn Ida, whom you don’t love. I know whom you + love very well.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Monsieur de Balibari!’ said the discomfited Chevalier; he could get out + no more. The truth began to dawn upon him. + </p> + <p> + ‘You begin to understand,’ continued I. ‘Her Highness the Princess’ (I + said this in a sarcastic way) ‘will not be very angry, believe me, if you + break off your connection with the stupid Countess. I am no more an + admirer of that lady than you are; but I want her estate. I played you for + that estate, and have won it; and I will give you your bills and five + thousand ducats on the day I am married to it.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘The day <i>I</i> am married to the Countess,’ answered the Chevalier, + thinking to have me, ‘I will be able to raise money to pay your claim ten + times over’ (this was true, for the Countess’s property may have been + valued at near half a million of our money); ‘and then I will discharge my + obligations to you. Meanwhile, if you annoy me by threats, or insult me + again as you have done, I will use that influence, which, as you say, I + possess, and have you turned out of the duchy, as you were out of the + Netherlands last year.’ + </p> + <p> + I rang the bell quite quietly. ‘Zamor,’ said I to a tall negro fellow + habited like a Turk, that used to wait upon me, ‘when you hear the bell + ring a second time, you will take this packet to the Marshal of the Court, + this to his Excellency the General de Magny, and this you will place in + the hands of one of the equerries of his Highness the Hereditary Prince. + Wait in the ante-room, and do not go with the parcels until I ring again.’ + </p> + <p> + The black fellow having retired, I turned to Monsieur de Magny and said, + ‘Chevalier, the first packet contains a letter from you to me, declaring + your solvency, and solemnly promising payment of the sums you owe me; it + is accompanied by a document from myself (for I expected some resistance + on your part), stating that my honour has been called in question, and + begging that the paper may be laid before your august master his Highness. + The second packet is for your grandfather, enclosing the letter from you + in which you state yourself to be his heir, and begging for a confirmation + of the fact. The last parcel, for his Highness the Hereditary Duke,’ added + I, looking most sternly, ‘contains the Gustavus Adolphus emerald, which he + gave to his princess, and which you pledged to me as a family jewel of + your own. Your influence with her Highness must be great indeed,’ I + concluded, ‘when you could extort from her such a jewel as that, and when + you could make her, in order to pay your play-debts, give up a secret upon + which both your heads depend.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Villain!’ said the Frenchman, quite aghast with fury and terror, ‘would + you implicate the Princess?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Monsieur de Magny,’ I answered, with a sneer, ‘no: I will say YOU STOLE + the jewel.’ It was my belief he did, and that the unhappy and infatuated + Princess was never privy to the theft until long after it had been + committed. How we came to know the history of the emerald is simple + enough. As we wanted money (for my occupation with Magny caused our bank + to be much neglected), my uncle had carried Magny’s trinkets to Mannheim + to pawn. The Jew who lent upon them knew the history of the stone in + question; and when he asked how her Highness came to part with it, my + uncle very cleverly took up the story where he found it, said that the + Princess was very fond of play, that it was not always convenient to her + to pay, and hence the emerald had come into our hands. He brought it + wisely back with him to S—; and, as regards the other jewels which + the Chevalier pawned to us, they were of no particular mark: no inquiries + have ever been made about them to this day; and I did not only not know + then that they came from her Highness, but have only my conjectures upon + the matter now. + </p> + <p> + The unfortunate young gentleman must have had a cowardly spirit, when I + charged him with the theft, not to make use of my two pistols that were + lying by chance before him, and to send out of the world his accuser and + his own ruined self. With such imprudence and miserable recklessness on + his part and that of the unhappy lady who had forgotten herself for this + poor villain, he must have known that discovery was inevitable. But it was + written that this dreadful destiny should be accomplished: instead of + ending like a man, he now cowered before me quite spirit-broken, and, + flinging himself down on the sofa, burst into tears, calling wildly upon + all the saints to help him: as if they could be interested in the fate of + such a wretch as he! + </p> + <p> + I saw that I had nothing to fear from him; and, calling back Zamor my + black, said I would myself carry the parcels, which I returned to my + escritoire; and, my point being thus gained, I acted, as I always do, + generously towards him. I said that, for security’s sake, I should send + the emerald out of the country, but that I pledged my honour to restore it + to the Duchess, without any pecuniary consideration, on the day when she + should procure the sovereign’s consent to my union with the Countess Ida. + </p> + <p> + This will explain pretty clearly, I flatter myself, the game I was + playing; and, though some rigid moralist may object to its propriety, I + say that anything is fair in love, and that men so poor as myself can’t + afford to be squeamish about their means of getting on in life. The great + and rich are welcomed, smiling, up the grand staircase of the world; the + poor but aspiring must clamber up the wall, or push and struggle up the + back stair, or, PARDI, crawl through any of the conduits of the house, + never mind how foul and narrow, that lead to the top. The unambitious + sluggard pretends that the eminence is not worth attaining, declines + altogether the struggle, and calls himself a philosopher. I say he is a + poor-spirited coward. What is life good for but for honour? and that is so + indispensable, that we should attain it anyhow. + </p> + <p> + The manner to be adopted for Magny’s retreat was proposed by myself, and + was arranged so as to consult the feelings of delicacy of both parties. I + made Magny take the Countess Ida aside, and say to her, ‘Madam, though I + have never declared myself your admirer, you and the Court have had + sufficient proof of my regard for you; and my demand would, I know, have + been backed by his Highness, your august guardian. I know the Duke’s + gracious wish is, that my attentions should be received favourably; but, + as time has not appeared to alter your attachment elsewhere, and as I have + too much spirit to force a lady of your name and rank to be united to me + against your will, the best plan is, that I should make you, for form’s + sake, a proposal UNauthorised by his Highness: that you should reply, as I + am sorry to think your heart dictates to you, in the negative: on which I + also will formally withdraw from my pursuit of you, stating that, after a + refusal, nothing, not even the Duke’s desire, should induce me to persist + in my suit.’ + </p> + <p> + The Countess Ida almost wept at hearing these words from Monsieur de + Magny, and tears came into her eyes, he said, as she took his hand for the + first time, and thanked him for the delicacy of the proposal. She little + knew that the Frenchman was incapable of that sort of delicacy, and that + the graceful manner in which he withdrew his addresses was of my + invention. + </p> + <p> + As soon as he withdrew, it became my business to step forward; but + cautiously and gently, so as not to alarm the lady, and yet firmly, so as + to convince her of the hopelessness of her design of uniting herself with + her shabby lover, the sub-lieutenant. The Princess Olivia was good enough + to perform this necessary part of the plan in my favour, and solemnly to + warn the Countess Ida, that, though Monsieur de Magny had retired from + paying his addresses, his Highness her guardian would still marry her as + he thought fit, and that she must for ever forget her out-at-elbowed + adorer. In fact, I can’t conceive how such a shabby rogue as that could + ever have had the audacity to propose for her: his birth was certainly + good; but what other qualifications had he? + </p> + <p> + When the Chevalier de Magny withdrew, numbers of other suitors, you may be + sure, presented themselves; and amongst these your very humble servant, + the cadet of Ballybarry. There was a carrousel, or tournament, held at + this period, in imitation of the antique meetings of chivalry, in which + the chevaliers tilted at each other, or at the ring; and on this occasion + I was habited in a splendid Roman dress (viz., a silver helmet, a flowing + periwig, a cuirass of gilt leather richly embroidered, a light blue velvet + mantle, and crimson morocco half-boots): and in this habit I rode my bay + horse Brian, carried off three rings, and won the prize over all the + Duke’s gentry, and the nobility of surrounding countries who had come to + the show. A wreath of gilded laurel was to be the prize of the victor, and + it was to be awarded by the lady he selected. So I rode up to the gallery + where the Countess Ida was seated behind the Hereditary Princess, and, + calling her name loudly, yet gracefully, begged to be allowed to be + crowned by her, and thus proclaimed myself to the face of all Germany, as + it were, her suitor. She turned very pale, and the Princess red, I + observed; but the Countess Ida ended by crowning me: after which, putting + spurs into my horse, I galloped round the ring, saluting his Highness the + Duke at the opposite end, and performing the most wonderful exercises with + my bay. + </p> + <p> + My success did not, as you may imagine, increase my popularity with the + young gentry. They called me adventurer, bully, dice-loader, impostor, and + a hundred pretty names; but I had a way of silencing these gentry. I took + the Count de Schmetterling, the richest and bravest of the young men who + seemed to have a hankering for the Countess Ida, and publicly insulted him + at the ridotto; flinging my cards into his face. The next day I rode + thirty-five miles into the territory of the Elector of B——, + and met Monsieur de Schmetterling, and passed my sword twice through his + body; then rode back with my second, the Chevalier de Magny, and presented + myself at the Duchess’s whist that evening. Magny was very unwilling to + accompany me at first; but I insisted upon his support, and that he should + countenance my quarrel. Directly after paying my homage to her Highness, I + went up to the Countess Ida, and made her a marked and low obeisance, + gazing at her steadily in the face until she grew crimson red; and then + staring round at every man who formed her circle, until, MA FOI, I stared + them all away. I instructed Magny to say, everywhere, that the Countess + was madly in love with me; which commission, along with many others of + mine, the poor devil was obliged to perform. He made rather a SOTTE + FIGURE, as the French say, acting the pioneer for me, praising me + everywhere, accompanying me always! he who had been the pink of the MODE + until my arrival; he who thought his pedigree of beggarly Barons of Magny + was superior to the race of great Irish kings from which I descended; who + had sneered at me a hundred times as a spadassin, a deserter, and had + called me a vulgar Irish upstart. Now I had my revenge of the gentleman, + and took it too. + </p> + <p> + I used to call him, in the choicest societies, by his Christian name of + Maxime. I would say, ‘Bon jour, Maxime; comment vas-TU?’ in the Princess’s + hearing, and could see him bite his lips for fury and vexation. But I had + him under my thumb, and her Highness too—I, poor private of Bulow’s + regiment. And this is a proof of what genius and perseverance can do, and + should act as a warning to great people never to have SECRETS—if + they can help it. + </p> + <p> + I knew the Princess hated me; but what did I care? She knew I knew all: + and indeed, I believe, so strong was her prejudice against me, that she + thought I was an indelicate villain, capable of betraying a lady, which I + would scorn to do; so that she trembled before me as a child before its + schoolmaster. She would, in her woman’s way, too, make all sorts of jokes + and sneers at me on reception days; ask about my palace in Ireland, and + the kings my ancestors, and whether, when I was a private in Bulow’s foot, + my royal relatives had interposed to rescue me, and whether the cane was + smartly administered there,—anything to mortify me. But, Heaven + bless you! I can make allowances for people, and used to laugh in her + face. Whilst her jibes and jeers were continuing, it was my pleasure to + look at poor Magny and see how HE bore them. The poor devil was trembling + lest I should break out under the Princess’s sarcasm and tell all; but my + revenge was, when the Princess attacked me, to say something bitter to + HIM,—to pass it on, as boys do at school. And THAT was the thing + which used to make her Highness feel. She would wince just as much when I + attacked Magny as if I had been saying anything rude to herself. And, + though she hated me, she used to beg my pardon in private; and though her + pride would often get the better of her, yet her prudence obliged this + magnificent princess to humble herself to the poor penniless Irish boy. + </p> + <p> + As soon as Magny had formally withdrawn from the Countess Ida, the + Princess took the young lady into favour again, and pretended to be very + fond of her. To do them justice, I don’t know which of the two disliked me + most,—the Princess, who was all eagerness, and fire, and coquetry; + or the Countess, who was all state and splendour. The latter, especially, + pretended to be disgusted by me: and yet, after all, I have pleased her + betters; was once one of the handsomest men in Europe, and would defy any + heyduc of the Court to measure a chest or a leg with me: but I did not + care for any of her silly prejudices, and determined to win her and wear + her in spite of herself. Was it on account of her personal charms or + qualities? No. She was quite white, thin, short-sighted, tall, and + awkward, and my taste is quite the contrary; and as for her mind, no + wonder that a poor creature who had a hankering after a wretched ragged + ensign could never appreciate ME. It was her estate I made love to; as for + herself, it would be a reflection on my taste as a man of fashion to own + that I liked her. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0011" id="link2HCH0011"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XI. IN WHICH THE LUCK GOES AGAINST BARRY + </h2> + <p> + My hopes of obtaining the hand of one of the richest heiresses in Germany + were now, as far as all human probability went, and as far as my own + merits and prudence could secure my fortune, pretty certain of completion. + I was admitted whenever I presented myself at the Princess’s apartments, + and had as frequent opportunities as I desired of seeing the Countess Ida + there. I cannot say that she received me with any particular favour; the + silly young creature’s affections were, as I have said, engaged ignobly + elsewhere; and, however captivating my own person and manners may have + been, it was not to be expected that she should all of a sudden forget her + lover for the sake of the young Irish gentleman who was paying his + addresses to her. But such little rebuffs as I got were far from + discouraging me. I had very powerful friends, who were to aid me in my + undertaking; and knew that, sooner or later, the victory must be mine. In + fact, I only waited my time to press my suit. Who could tell the dreadful + stroke of fortune which was impending over my illustrious protectress, and + which was to involve me partially in her ruin? + </p> + <p> + All things seemed for a while quite prosperous to my wishes; and in spite + of the Countess Ida’s disinclination, it was much easier to bring her to + her senses than, perhaps, may be supposed in a silly constitutional + country like England, where people are not brought up with those wholesome + sentiments of obedience to Royalty which were customary in Europe at the + time when I was a young man. + </p> + <p> + I have stated how, through Magny, I had the Princess, as it were, at my + feet. Her Highness had only to press the match upon the old Duke, over + whom her influence was unbounded, and to secure the goodwill of the + Countess of Liliengarten, (which was the romantic title of his Highness’s + morganatic spouse), and the easy old man would give an order for the + marriage: which his ward would perforce obey. Madame de Liliengarten was, + too, from her position, extremely anxious to oblige the Princess Olivia; + who might be called upon any day to occupy the throne. The old Duke was + tottering, apoplectic, and exceedingly fond of good living. When he was + gone, his relict would find the patronage of the Duchess Olivia most + necessary to her. Hence there was a close mutual understanding between the + two ladies; and the world said that the Hereditary Princess was already + indebted to the favourite for help on various occasions. Her Highness had + obtained, through the Countess, several large grants of money for the + payment of her multifarious debts; and she was now good enough to exert + her gracious influence over Madame de Liliengarten in order to obtain for + me the object so near my heart. It is not to be supposed that my end was + to be obtained without continual unwillingness and refusals on Magny’s + part; but I pushed my point resolutely, and had means in my hands of + overcoming the stubbornness of that feeble young gentleman. Also, I may + say, without vanity, that if the high and mighty Princess detested me, the + Countess (though she was of extremely low origin, it is said) had better + taste and admired me. She often did us the honour to go partners with us + in one of our faro-banks, and declared that I was the handsomest man in + the duchy. All I was required to prove was my nobility, and I got at + Vienna such a pedigree as would satisfy the most greedy in that way. In + fact, what had a man descended from the Barrys and the Bradys to fear + before any VON in Germany? By way of making assurance doubly sure, I + promised Madame de Liliengarten ten thousand louis on the day of my + marriage, and she knew that as a play-man I had never failed in my word: + and I vow, that had I paid fifty per cent. for it, I would have got the + money. + </p> + <p> + Thus by my talents, honesty, and acuteness, I had, considering I was a + poor patronless outcast, raised for myself very powerful protectors. Even + his Highness the Duke Victor was favourably inclined to me; for, his + favourite charger falling ill of the staggers, I gave him a ball such as + my uncle Brady used to administer, and cured the horse; after which his + Highness was pleased to notice me frequently. He invited me to his hunting + and shooting parties, where I showed myself to be a good sportsman; and + once or twice he condescended to talk to me about my prospects in life, + lamenting that I had taken to gambling, and that I had not adopted a more + regular means of advancement. ‘Sir,’ said I, ‘if you will allow me to + speak frankly to your Highness, play with me is only a means to an end. + Where should I have been without it? A private still in King Frederick’s + grenadiers. I come of a race which gave princes to my country; but + persecutions have deprived them of their vast possessions. My uncle’s + adherence to his ancient faith drove him from our country. I too resolved + to seek advancement in the military service; but the insolence and + ill-treatment which I received at the hands of the English were not + bearable by a high-born gentleman, and I fled their service. It was only + to fall into another bondage to all appearance still more hopeless; when + my good star sent a preserver to me in my uncle, and my spirit and + gallantry enabled me to take advantage of the means of escape afforded me. + Since then we have lived, I do not disguise it, by play; but who can say I + have done him a wrong? Yet, if I could find myself in an honourable post, + and with an assured maintenance, I would never, except for amusement, such + as every gentleman must have, touch a card again. I beseech your Highness + to inquire of your resident at Berlin if I did not on every occasion act + as a gallant soldier. I feel that I have talents of a higher order, and + should be proud to have occasion to exert them; if, as I do not doubt, my + fortune shall bring them into play.’ + </p> + <p> + The candour of this statement struck his Highness greatly, and impressed + him in my favour, and he was pleased to say that he believed me, and would + be glad to stand my friend. + </p> + <p> + Having thus the two Dukes, the Duchess, and the reigning favourite + enlisted on my side, the chances certainly were that I should carry off + the great prize; and I ought, according to all common calculations, to + have been a Prince of the Empire at this present writing, but that my ill + luck pursued me in a matter in which I was not the least to blame,—the + unhappy Duchess’s attachment to the weak, silly, cowardly Frenchman. The + display of this love was painful to witness, as its end was frightful to + think of. The Princess made no disguise of it. If Magny spoke a word to a + lady of her household, she would be jealous, and attack with all the fury + of her tongue the unlucky offender. She would send him a half-dozen of + notes in the day: at his arrival to join her circle or the courts which + she held, she would brighten up, so that all might perceive. It was a + wonder that her husband had not long ere this been made aware of her + faithlessness; but the Prince Victor was himself of so high and stern a + nature that he could not believe in her stooping so far from her rank as + to forget her virtue: and I have heard say, that when hints were given to + him of the evident partiality which the Princess showed for the equerry, + his answer was a stern command never more to be troubled on the subject. + ‘The Princess is light-minded,’ he said; ‘she was brought up at a + frivolous Court; but her folly goes not beyond coquetry: crime is + impossible; she has her birth, and my name, and her children, to defend + her.’ And he would ride off to his military inspections and be absent for + weeks, or retire to his suite of apartments, and remain closeted there + whole days; only appearing to make a bow at her Highness’s LEVEE, or to + give her his hand at the Court galas, where ceremony required that he + should appear. He was a man of vulgar tastes, and I have seen him in the + private garden, with his great ungainly figure, running races, or playing + at ball with his little son and daughter, whom he would find a dozen + pretexts daily for visiting. The serene children were brought to their + mother every morning at her toilette; but she received them very + indifferently: except on one occasion, when the young Duke Ludwig got his + little uniform as colonel of hussars, being presented with a regiment by + his godfather the Emperor Leopold. Then, for a day or two, the Duchess + Olivia was charmed with the little boy; but she grew tired of him + speedily, as a child does of a toy. I remember one day, in the morning + circle, some of the Princess’s rouge came off on the arm of her son’s + little white military jacket; on which she slapped the poor child’s face, + and sent him sobbing away. Oh, the woes that have been worked by women in + this world! the misery into which men have lightly stepped with smiling + faces; often not even with the excuse of passion, but from mere foppery, + vanity, and bravado! Men play with these dreadful two-edged tools, as if + no harm could come to them. I, who have seen more of life than most men, + if I had a son, would go on my knees to him and beg him to avoid woman, + who is worse than poison. Once intrigue, and your whole life is + endangered: you never know when the evil may fall upon you; and the woe of + whole families, and the ruin of innocent people perfectly dear to you, may + be caused by a moment of your folly. + </p> + <p> + When I saw how entirely lost the unlucky Monsieur de Magny seemed to be, + in spite of all the claims I had against him, I urged him to fly. He had + rooms in the palace, in the garrets over the Princess’s quarters (the + building was a huge one, and accommodated almost a city of noble retainers + of the family); but the infatuated young fool would not budge, although he + had not even the excuse of love for staying. ‘How she squints,’ he would + say of the Princess, ‘and how crooked she is! She thinks no one can + perceive her deformity. She writes me verses out of Gresset or Crebillon, + and fancies I believe them to be original. Bah! they are no more her own + than her hair is!’ It was in this way that the wretched lad was dancing + over the ruin that was yawning under him. I do believe that his chief + pleasure in making love to the Princess was, that he might write about his + victories to his friends of the PETITES MAISONS at Paris, where he longed + to be considered as a wit and a VAINQUEUR DE DAMES. + </p> + <p> + Seeing the young man’s recklessness, and the danger of his position, I + became very anxious that MY little scheme should be brought to a + satisfactory end, and pressed him warmly on the matter. + </p> + <p> + My solicitations with him were, I need not say, from the nature of the + connection between us, generally pretty successful; and, in fact, the poor + fellow could REFUSE ME NOTHING: as I used often laughingly to say to him, + very little to his liking. But I used more than threats, or the legitimate + influence I had over him. I used delicacy and generosity; as a proof of + which, I may mention that I promised to give back to the Princess the + family emerald, which I mentioned in the last chapter that I had won from + her unprincipled admirer at play. + </p> + <p> + This was done by my uncle’s consent, and was one of the usual acts of + prudence and foresight which distinguish that clever man. “Press the + matter now, Redmond my boy,” he would urge. “This affair between her + Highness and Magny must end ill for both of them, and that soon; and where + will be your chance to win the Countess then? Now is your time! win her + and wear her before the month is over, and we will give up the punting + business, and go live like noblemen at our castle in Swabia. Get rid of + that emerald, too,” he added: “should an accident happen, it will be an + ugly deposit found in our hand.” This it was that made me agree to forego + the possession of the trinket; which, I must confess, I was loth to part + with. It was lucky for us both that I did: as you shall presently hear. + </p> + <p> + Meanwhile, then, I urged Magny: I myself spoke strongly to the Countess of + Liliengarten, who promised formally to back my claim with his Highness the + reigning Duke; and Monsieur de Magny was instructed to induce the Princess + Olivia to make a similar application to the old sovereign in my behalf. It + was done. The two ladies urged the Prince; his Highness (at a supper of + oysters and champagne) was brought to consent, and her Highness the + Hereditary Princess did me the honour of notifying personally to the + Countess Ida that it was the Prince’s will that she should marry the young + Irish nobleman, the Chevalier Redmond de Balibari. The notification was + made in my presence; and though the young Countess said ‘Never!’ and fell + down in a swoon at her lady’s feet, I was, you may be sure, entirely + unconcerned at this little display of mawkish sensibility, and felt, + indeed, now that my prize was secure. + </p> + <p> + That evening I gave the Chevalier de Magny the emerald, which he promised + to restore to the Princess; and now the only difficulty in my way lay with + the Hereditary Prince, of whom his father, his wife, and the favourite, + were alike afraid. He might not be disposed to allow the richest heiress + in his duchy to be carried off by a noble, though not a wealthy foreigner. + Time was necessary in order to break the matter to Prince Victor. The + Princess must find him at some moment of good-humour. He had days of + infatuation still, when he could refuse his wife nothing; and our plan was + to wait for one of these, or for any other chance which might occur. + </p> + <p> + But it was destined that the Princess should never see her husband at her + feet, as often as he had been. Fate was preparing a terrible ending to her + follies, and my own hope. In spite of his solemn promises to me, Magny + never restored the emerald to the Princess Olivia. + </p> + <p> + He had heard, in casual intercourse with me, that my uncle and I had been + beholden to Mr. Moses Lowe, the banker of Heidelberg, who had given us a + good price for our valuables; and the infatuated young man took a pretext + to go thither, and offered the jewel for pawn. Moses Lowe recognised the + emerald at once, gave Magny the sum the latter demanded, which the + Chevalier lost presently at play: never, you may be sure, acquainting us + with the means by which he had made himself master of so much capital. We, + for our parts, supposed that he had been supplied by his usual banker, the + Princess: and many rouleaux of his gold pieces found their way into our + treasury, when at the Court galas, at our own lodgings, or at the + apartments of Madame de Liliengarten (who on these occasions did us the + honour to go halves with us) we held our bank of faro. + </p> + <p> + Thus Magny’s money was very soon gone. But though the Jew held his jewel, + of thrice the value no doubt of the sums he had lent upon it, that was not + all the profit which he intended to have from his unhappy creditor; over + whom he began speedily to exercise his authority. His Hebrew connections + at X—, money-brokers, bankers, horse-dealers, about the Court there, + must have told their Heidelberg brother what Magny’s relations with the + Princess were; and the rascal determined to take advantage of these, and + to press to the utmost both victims. My uncle and I were, meanwhile, + swimming upon the high tide of fortune, prospering with our cards, and + with the still greater matrimonial game which we were playing; and we were + quite unaware of the mine under our feet. + </p> + <p> + Before a month was passed, the Jew began to pester Magny. He presented + himself at X—, and asked for further interest-hush-money; otherwise + he must sell the emerald. Magny got money for him; the Princess again + befriended her dastardly lover. The success of the first demand only + rendered the second more exorbitant. I know not how much money was + extorted and paid on this unluckly emerald: but it was the cause of the + ruin of us all. + </p> + <p> + One night we were keeping our table as usual at the Countess of + Liliengarten’s, and Magny being in cash somehow, kept drawing out rouleau + after rouleau, and playing with his common ill success. In the middle of + the play a note was brought into him, which he read, and turned very pale + on perusing; but the luck was against him, and looking up rather anxiously + at the clock, he waited for a few more turns of the cards, when having, I + suppose, lost his last rouleau, he got up with a wild oath that scared + some of the polite company assembled, and left the room. A great trampling + of horses was heard without; but we were too much engaged with our + business to heed the noise, and continued our play. + </p> + <p> + Presently some one came into the play-room and said to the Countess, ‘Here + is a strange story! A Jew has been murdered in the Kaiserwald. Magny was + arrested when he went out of the room.’ All the party broke up on hearing + this strange news, and we shut up our bank for the night. Magny had been + sitting by me during the play (my uncle dealt and I paid and took the + money), and, looking under the chair, there was a crumpled paper, which I + took up and read. It was that which had been delivered to him, and ran + thus:—‘If you have done it, take the orderly’s horse who brings + this. It is the best of my stable. There are a hundred louis in each + holster, and the pistols are loaded. Either course lies open to you if you + know what I mean. In a quarter of an hour I shall know our fate—whether + I am to be dishonoured and survive you, whether you are guilty and a + coward, or whether you are still worthy of the name of + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + ‘M.’ +</pre> + <p> + This was in the handwriting of the old General de Magny; and my uncle and + I, as we walked home at night, having made and divided with the Countess + Liliengarten no inconsiderable profits that night, felt our triumphs + greatly dashed by the perusal of the letter. ‘Has Magny,’ we asked, + ‘robbed the Jew, or has his intrigue been discovered?’ In either case, my + claims on the Countess Ida were likely to meet with serious drawbacks: and + I began to feel that my ‘great card’ was played and perhaps lost. + </p> + <p> + Well, it WAS lost: though I say, to this day, it was well and gallantly + played. After supper (which we never for fear of consequences took during + play) I became so agitated in my mind as to what was occurring that I + determined to sally out about midnight into the town, and inquire what was + the real motive of Magny’s apprehension. A sentry was at the door, and + signified to me that I and my uncle were under arrest. + </p> + <p> + We were left in our quarters for six weeks, so closely watched that escape + was impossible, had we desired it; but, as innocent men, we had nothing to + fear. Our course of life was open to all, and we desired and courted + inquiry. Great and tragical events happened during those six weeks; of + which, though we heard the outline, as all Europe did, when we were + released from our captivity, we were yet far from understanding all the + particulars, which were not much known to me for many years after. Here + they are, as they were told me by the lady, who of all the world perhaps + was most likely to know them. But the narrative had best form the contents + of another chapter. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0012" id="link2HCH0012"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XII. TRAGICAL HISTORY OF PRINCESS OF X—— + </h2> + <p> + More than twenty years after the events described in the past chapters, I + was walking with my Lady Lyndon in the Rotunda at Ranelagh. It was in the + year 1790; the emigration from France had already commenced, the old + counts and marquises were thronging to our shores: not starving and + miserable, as one saw them a few years afterwards, but unmolested as yet, + and bringing with them some token of their national splendour. I was + walking with Lady Lyndon, who, proverbially jealous and always anxious to + annoy me, spied out a foreign lady who was evidently remarking me, and of + course asked who was the hideous fat Dutchwoman who was leering at me so? + I knew her not in the least. I felt I had seen the lady’s face somewhere + (it was now, as my wife said, enormously fat and bloated); but I did not + recognise in the bearer of that face one who had been among the most + beautiful women in Germany in her day. + </p> + <p> + It was no other than Madame de Liliengarten, the mistress, or as some said + the morganatic wife, of the old Duke of X——, Duke Victor’s + father. She had left X——a few months after the elder Duke’s + demise, had gone to Paris, as I heard, where some unprincipled adventurer + had married her for her money; but, however, had always retained her + quasi-royal title, and pretended, amidst the great laughter of the + Parisians who frequented her house, to the honours and ceremonial of a + sovereign’s widow. She had a throne erected in her state-room, and was + styled by her servants and those who wished to pay court to her, or borrow + money from her, ‘Altesse.’ Report said she drank rather copiously—certainly + her face bore every mark of that habit, and had lost the rosy, frank, + good-humoured beauty which had charmed the sovereign who had ennobled her. + </p> + <p> + Although she did not address me in the circle at Ranelagh, I was at this + period as well known as the Prince of Wales, and she had no difficulty in + finding my house in Berkeley Square; whither a note was next morning + despatched to me. ‘An old friend of Monsieur de Balibari,’ it stated (in + extremely bad French), ‘is anxious to see the Chevalier again and to talk + over old happy times. Rosina de Liliengarten (can it be that Redmond + Balibari has forgotten her?) will be at her house in Leicester Fields all + the morning, looking for one who would never have passed her by TWENTY + YEARS ago.’ + </p> + <p> + Rosina of Liliengarten it was indeed—such a full-blown Rosina I have + seldom seen. I found her in a decent first-floor in Leicester Fields (the + poor soul fell much lower afterwards) drinking tea, which had somehow a + very strong smell of brandy in it; and after salutations, which would be + more tedious to recount than they were to perform, and after further + straggling conversation, she gave me briefly the following narrative of + the events in X——, which I may well entitle the ‘Princess’s + Tragedy.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘You remember Monsieur de Geldern, the Police Minister. He was of Dutch + extraction, and, what is more, of a family of Dutch Jews. Although + everybody was aware of this blot in his scutcheon, he was mortally angry + if ever his origin was suspected; and made up for his fathers’ errors by + outrageous professions of religion, and the most austere practices of + devotion. He visited church every morning, confessed once a week, and + hated Jews and Protestants as much as an inquisitor could do. He never + lost an opportunity of proving his sincerity, by persecuting one or the + other whenever occasion fell in his way. + </p> + <p> + ‘He hated the Princess mortally; for her Highness in some whim had + insulted him with his origin, caused pork to be removed from before him at + table, or injured him in some such silly way; and he had a violent + animosity to the old Baron de Magny, both in his capacity of Protestant, + and because the latter in some haughty mood had publicly turned his back + upon him as a sharper and a spy. Perpetual quarrels were taking place + between them in council; where it was only the presence of his august + masters that restrained the Baron from publicly and frequently expressing + the contempt which he felt for the officer of police. + </p> + <p> + ‘Thus Geldern had hatred as one reason for ruining the Princess, and it is + my belief he had a stronger motive still—interest. You remember whom + the Duke married, after the death of his first wife?—a princess of + the house of F——. Geldern built his fine palace two years + after, and, as I feel convinced, with the money which was paid to him by + the F——family for forwarding the match. + </p> + <p> + ‘To go to Prince Victor, and report to his Highness a case which everybody + knew, was not by any means Geldern’s desire. He knew the man would be + ruined for ever in the Prince’s estimation who carried him intelligence so + disastrous. His aim, therefore, was to leave the matter to explain itself + to his Highness; and, when the time was ripe, he cast about for a means of + carrying his point. He had spies in the houses of the elder and younger + Magny; but this you know, of course, from your experience of Continental + customs. We had all spies over each other. Your black (Zamor, I think, was + his name) used to give me reports every morning; and I used to entertain + the dear old Duke with stories of you and your uncle practising picquet + and dice in the morning, and with your quarrels and intrigues. We levied + similar contributions on everybody in X——, to amuse the dear + old man. Monsieur de Magny’s valet used to report both to me and Monsieur + de Geldern. + </p> + <p> + ‘I knew of the fact of the emerald being in pawn; and it was out of my + exchequer that the poor Princess drew the funds which were spent upon the + odious Lowe, and the still more worthless young Chevalier. How the + Princess could trust the latter as she persisted in doing, is beyond my + comprehension; but there is no infatuation like that of a woman in love: + and you will remark, my dear Monsieur de Balibari, that our sex generally + fix upon a bad man.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Not always, madam,’ I interposed; ‘your humble servant has created many + such attachments.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I do not see that that affects the truth of the proposition,’ said the + old lady drily, and continued her narrative. ‘The Jew who held the emerald + had had many dealings with the Princess, and at last was offered a bribe + of such magnitude, that he determined to give up the pledge. He committed + the inconceivable imprudence of bringing the emerald with him to X——, + and waited on Magny, who was provided by the Princess with money to redeem + the pledge, and was actually ready to pay it.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Their interview took place in Magny’s own apartments, when his valet + overheard every word of their conversation. The young man, who was always + utterly careless of money when it was in his possession, was so easy in + offering it, that Lowe rose in his demands, and had the conscience to ask + double the sum for which he had previously stipulated. + </p> + <p> + ‘At this the Chevalier lost all patience, fell on the wretch and was for + killing him; when the opportune valet rushed in and saved him. The man had + heard every word of the conversation between the disputants, and the Jew + ran flying with terror into his arms; and Magny, a quick and passionate, + but not a violent man, bade the servant lead the villain downstairs, and + thought no more of him. + </p> + <p> + ‘Perhaps he was not sorry to be rid of him, and to have in his possession + a large sum of money, four thousand ducats, with which he could tempt + fortune once more; as you know he did at your table that night.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Your ladyship went halves, madam,’ said I; ‘and you know how little I was + the better for my winnings.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘The man conducted the trembling Israelite out of the palace, and no + sooner had seen him lodged at the house of one of his brethren, where he + was accustomed to put up, than he went away to the office of his + Excellency the Minister of Police, and narrated every word of the + conversation which had taken place between the Jew and his master. + </p> + <p> + ‘Geldern expressed the greatest satisfaction at his spy’s prudence and + fidelity. He gave him a purse of twenty ducats, and promised to provide + for him handsomely: as great men do sometimes promise to reward their + instruments; but you, Monsieur de Balibari, know how seldom those promises + are kept. “Now, go and find out,” said Monsieur de Geldern, “at what time + the Israelite proposes to return home again, or whether he will repent and + take the money.” The man went on this errand. Meanwhile, to make matters + sure, Geldern arranged a play-party at my house, inviting you thither with + your bank, as you may remember; and finding means, at the same time, to + let Maxime de Magny know that there was to be faro at Madame de + Liliengarten’s. It was an invitation the poor fellow never neglected.’ + </p> + <p> + I remembered the facts, and listened on, amazed at the artifice of the + infernal Minister of Police. + </p> + <p> + ‘The spy came back from his message to Lowe, and stated that he had made + inquiries among the servants of the house where the Heidelberg banker + lodged, and that it was the latter’s intention to leave X——that + afternoon. He travelled by himself, riding an old horse, exceedingly + humbly attired, after the manner of his people. + </p> + <p> + ‘“Johann,” said the Minister, clapping the pleased spy upon the shoulder, + “I am more and more pleased with you. I have been thinking, since you left + me, of your intelligence, and the faithful manner in which you have served + me; and shall soon find an occasion to place you according to your merits. + Which way does this Israelitish scoundrel take?” + </p> + <p> + ‘“He goes to R——to-night.” + </p> + <p> + ‘“And must pass by the Kaiserwald. Are you a man of courage, Johann + Kerner?” + </p> + <p> + ‘“Will your Excellency try me?” said the man, his eyes glittering: “I + served through the Seven Years’ War, and was never known to fail there.” + </p> + <p> + ‘“Now, listen. The emerald must be taken from that Jew: in the very + keeping it the scoundrel has committed high treason. To the man who brings + me that emerald I swear I will give five hundred louis. You understand why + it is necessary that it should be restored to her Highness. I need say no + more.” + </p> + <p> + ‘“You shall have it to-night, sir,” said the man. “Of course your + Excellency will hold me harmless in case of accident.” + </p> + <p> + ‘“Psha!” answered the Minister; “I will pay you half the money beforehand; + such is my confidence in you. Accident’s impossible if you take your + measures properly. There are four leagues of wood; the Jew rides slowly. + It will be night before he can reach, let us say, the old Powder-Mill in + the wood. What’s to prevent you from putting a rope across the road, and + dealing with him there? Be back with me this evening at supper. If you + meet any of the patrol, say ‘foxes are loose,’—that’s the word for + to-night. They will let you pass them without questions.” + </p> + <p> + ‘The man went off quite charmed with his commission; and when Magny was + losing his money at our faro-table, his servant waylaid the Jew at the + spot named the Powder-Mill, in the Kaiserwald. The Jew’s horse stumbled + over a rope which had been placed across the road; and, as the rider fell + groaning to the ground, Johann Kerner rushed out on him, masked, and + pistol in hand, and demanded his money. He had no wish to kill the Jew, I + believe, unless his resistance should render extreme measures necessary. + </p> + <p> + ‘Nor did he commit any such murder; for, as the yelling Jew roared for + mercy, and his assailant menaced him with a pistol, a squad of patrol came + up, and laid hold of the robber and the wounded man. + </p> + <p> + ‘Kerner swore an oath. “You have come too soon,” said he to the sergeant + of the police. “FOXES ARE LOOSE.” “Some are caught,” said the sergeant, + quite unconcerned; and bound the fellow’s hands with the rope which he had + stretched across the road to entrap the Jew. He was placed behind a + policeman on a horse; Lowe was similarly accommodated, and the party thus + came back into the town as the night fell. ‘They were taken forthwith to + the police quarter; and, as the chief happened to be there, they were + examined by his Excellency in person. Both were rigorously searched; the + Jew’s papers and cases taken from him: the jewel was found in a private + pocket. As for the spy, the Minister, looking at him angrily, said, “Why, + this is the servant of the Chevalier de Magny, one of her Highness’s + equerries!” and without hearing a word in exculpation from the poor + frightened wretch, ordered him into close confinement. + </p> + <p> + ‘Calling for his horse, he then rode to the Prince’s apartments at the + palace, and asked for an instant audience. When admitted, he produced the + emerald. “This jewel,” said he, “has been found on the person of a + Heidelberg Jew, who has been here repeatedly of late, and has had many + dealings with her Highness’s equerry, the Chevalier de Magny. This + afternoon the Chevalier’s servant came from his master’s lodgings, + accompanied by the Hebrew; was heard to make inquiries as to the route the + man intended to take on his way homewards; followed him, or preceded him + rather, and was found in the act of rifling his victim by my police in the + Kaiserwald. The man will confess nothing; but, on being searched, a large + sum in gold was found on his person; and though it is with the utmost pain + that I can bring myself to entertain such an opinion, and to implicate a + gentleman of the character and name of Monsieur de Magny, I do submit that + our duty is to have the Chevalier examined relative to the affair. As + Monsieur de Magny is in her Highness’s private service, and in her + confidence I have heard, I would not venture to apprehend him without your + Highness’s permission.” + </p> + <p> + ‘The Prince’s Master of the Horse, a friend of the old Baron de Magny, who + was present at the interview, no sooner heard the strange intelligence + than he hastened away to the old general with the dreadful news of his + grandson’s supposed crime. Perhaps his Highness himself was not unwilling + that his old friend and tutor in arms should have the chance of saving his + family from disgrace; at all events, Monsieur de Hengst, the Master of the + Horse, was permitted to go off to the Baron undisturbed, and break to him + the intelligence of the accusation pending over the unfortunate Chevalier. + </p> + <p> + ‘It is possible that he expected some such dreadful catastrophe, for, + after hearing Hengst’s narrative (as the latter afterwards told me), he + only said, “Heaven’s will be done!” for some time refused to stir a step + in the matter, and then only by the solicitation of his friend was induced + to write the letter which Maxime de Magny received at our play-table. + </p> + <p> + ‘Whilst he was there, squandering the Princess’s money, a police visit was + paid to his apartments, and a hundred proofs, not of his guilt with + respect to the robbery, but of his guilty connection with the Princess, + were discovered there,—tokens of her giving, passionate letters from + her, copies of his own correspondence to his young friends at Paris,—all + of which the Police Minister perused, and carefully put together under + seal for his Highness, Prince Victor. I have no doubt he perused them, + for, on delivering them to the Hereditary Prince, Geldern said that, IN + OBEDIENCE TO HIS HIGHNESS’S ORDERS, he had collected the Chevalier’s + papers; but he need not say that, on his honour, he (Geldern) himself had + never examined the documents. His difference with Messieurs de Magny was + known; he begged his Highness to employ any other official person in the + judgment of the accusation brought against the young Chevalier. + </p> + <p> + ‘All these things were going on while the Chevalier was at play. A run of + luck—you had great luck in those days, Monsieur de Balibari—was + against him. He stayed and lost his 4000 ducats. He received his uncle’s + note, and such was the infatuation of the wretched gambler, that, on + receipt of it, he went down to the courtyard, where the horse was in + waiting, absolutely took the money which the poor old gentleman had placed + in the saddle-holsters, brought it upstairs, played it, and lost it; and + when he issued from the room to fly, it was too late: he was placed in + arrest at the bottom of my staircase, as you were upon entering your own + home. + </p> + <p> + ‘Even when he came in under the charge of the soldiery sent to arrest him, + the old General, who was waiting, was overjoyed to see him, and flung + himself into the lad’s arms, and embraced him: it was said, for the first + time in many years. “He is here, gentlemen,” he sobbed out,—“thank + God he is not guilty of the robbery!” and then sank back in a chair in a + burst of emotion; painful, it was said by those present, to witness on the + part of a man so brave, and known to be so cold and stern. + </p> + <p> + ‘“Robbery!” said the young man. “I swear before Heaven I am guilty of + none!” and a scene of almost touching reconciliation passed between them, + before the unhappy young man was led from the guard-house into the prison + which he was destined never to quit. + </p> + <p> + ‘That night the Duke looked over the papers which Geldern had brought to + him. It was at a very early stage of the perusal, no doubt, that he gave + orders for your arrest; for you were taken at midnight, Magny at ten + o’clock; after which time the old Baron de Magny had seen his Highness, + protesting of his grandson’s innocence, and the Prince had received him + most graciously and kindly. His Highness said he had no doubt the young + man was innocent; his birth and his blood rendered such a crime + impossible; but suspicion was too strong against him: he was known to have + been that day closeted with the Jew; to have received a very large sum of + money which he squandered at play, and of which the Hebrew had, doubtless, + been the lender,—to have despatched his servant after him, who + inquired the hour of the Jew’s departure, lay in wait for him, and rifled + him. Suspicion was so strong against the Chevalier, that common justice + required his arrest; and, meanwhile, until he cleared himself, he should + be kept in not dishonourable durance, and every regard had for his name, + and the services of his honourable grandfather. With this assurance, and + with a warm grasp of the hand, the Prince left old General de Magny that + night; and the veteran retired to rest almost consoled, and confident in + Maxime’s eventual and immediate release. + </p> + <p> + ‘But in the morning, before daybreak, the Prince, who had been reading + papers all night, wildly called to the page, who slept in the next room + across the door, bade him get horses, which were always kept in readiness + in the stables, and, flinging a parcel of letters into a box, told the + page to follow him on horseback with these. The young man (Monsieur de + Weissenborn) told this to a young lady who was then of my household, and + who is now Madame de Weissenborn, and a mother of a score of children. + </p> + <p> + ‘The page described that never was such a change seen as in his august + master in the course of that single night. His eyes were bloodshot, his + face livid, his clothes were hanging loose about him, and he who had + always made his appearance on parade as precisely dressed as any sergeant + of his troops, might have been seen galloping through the lonely streets + at early dawn without a hat, his unpowdered hair streaming behind him like + a madman. + </p> + <p> + ‘The page, with the box of papers, clattered after his master,—it + was no easy task to follow him; and they rode from the palace to the town, + and through it to the General’s quarter. The sentinels at the door were + scared at the strange figure that rushed up to the General’s gate, and, + not knowing him, crossed bayonets, and refused him admission. “Fools,” + said Weissenborn, “it is the Prince!” And, jangling at the bell as if for + an alarm of fire, the door was at length opened by the porter, and his + Highness ran up to the Generals bedchamber, followed by the page with the + box. + </p> + <p> + ‘“Magny—Magny,” roared the Prince, thundering at the closed door, + “get up!” And to the queries of the old man from within, answered, “It is + I—Victor—the Prince!—get up!” And presently the door was + opened by the General in his ROBE-DE-CHAMBRE, and the Prince entered. The + page brought in the box, and was bidden to wait without, which he did; but + there led from Monsieur de Magny’s bedroom into his antechamber two doors, + the great one which formed the entrance into his room, and a smaller one + which led, as the fashion is with our houses abroad, into the closet which + communicates with the alcove where the bed is. The door of this was found + by M. de Weissenborn to be open, and the young man was thus enabled to + hear and see everything which occurred within the apartment. + </p> + <p> + ‘The General, somewhat nervously, asked what was the reason of so early a + visit from his Highness; to which the Prince did not for a while reply, + farther than by staring at him rather wildly, and pacing up and down the + room. + </p> + <p> + ‘At last he said, “Here is the cause!” dashing his fist on the box; and, + as he had forgotten to bring the key with him, he went to the door for a + moment, saying, “Weissenborn perhaps has it;” but seeing over the stove + one of the General’s couteaux de chasse, he took it down, and said, “That + will do,” and fell to work to burst the red trunk open with the blade of + the forest knife. The point broke, and he gave an oath, but continued + haggling on with the broken blade, which was better suited to his purpose + than the long pointed knife, and finally succeeded in wrenching open the + lid of the chest. + </p> + <p> + ‘“What is the matter?” said he, laughing. “Here’s the matter;—read + that!—here’s more matter, read that!—here’s more—no, not + that; that’s somebody else’s picture—but here’s hers! Do you know + that, Magny? My wife’s—the Princess’s! Why did you and your cursed + race ever come out of France, to plant your infernal wickedness wherever + your feet fell, and to ruin honest German homes? What have you and yours + ever had from my family but confidence and kindness? We gave you a home + when you had none, and here’s our reward!” and he flung a parcel of papers + down before the old General; who saw the truth at once;—he had known + it long before, probably, and sank down on his chair, covering his face. + </p> + <p> + ‘The Prince went on gesticulating, and shrieking almost. “If a man injured + you so, Magny, before you begot the father of that gambling lying villain + yonder, you would have known how to revenge yourself. You would have + killed him! Yes, would have killed him. But who’s to help me to my + revenge? I’ve no equal. I can’t meet that dog of a Frenchman,—that + pimp from Versailles,—and kill him, as if he had played the traitor + to one of his own degree.” + </p> + <p> + ‘“The blood of Maxime de Magny,” said the old gentleman proudly, “is as + good as that of any prince in Christendom.” + </p> + <p> + ‘“Can I take it?” cried the Prince; “you know I can’t. I can’t have the + privilege of any other gentleman in Europe. What am I to do? Look here, + Magny: I was wild when I came here; I didn’t know what to do. You’ve + served me for thirty years; you’ve saved my life twice: they are all + knaves and harlots about my poor old father here—no honest men or + women—you are the only one—you saved my life; tell me what am + I to do?” Thus from insulting Monsieur de Magny, the poor distracted + Prince fell to supplicating him; and, at last, fairly flung himself down, + and burst out in an agony of tears. + </p> + <p> + ‘Old Magny, one of the most rigid and cold of men on common occasions, + when he saw this outbreak of passion on the Prince’s part, became, as my + informant has described to me, as much affected as his master. The old man + from being cold and high, suddenly fell, as it were, into the whimpering + querulousness of extreme old age. He lost all sense of dignity; he went + down on his knees, and broke out into all sorts of wild incoherent + attempts at consolation; so much so, that Weissenborn said he could not + bear to look at the scene, and actually turned away from the contemplation + of it. + </p> + <p> + ‘But, from what followed in a few days, we may guess the results of the + long interview. The Prince, when he came away from the conversation with + his old servant, forgot his fatal box of papers and sent the page back for + them. The General was on his knees praying in the room when the young man + entered, and only stirred and looked wildly round as the other removed the + packet. The Prince rode away to his hunting-lodge at three leagues from X——, + and three days after that Maxime de Magny died in prison; having made a + confession that he was engaged in an attempt to rob the Jew, and that he + had made away with himself, ashamed of his dishonour. + </p> + <p> + ‘But it is not known that it was the General himself who took his grandson + poison: it was said even that he shot him in the prison. This, however, + was not the case. General de Magny carried his grandson the draught which + was to carry him out of the world; represented to the wretched youth that + his fate was inevitable; that it would be public and disgraceful unless he + chose to anticipate the punishment, and so left him. But IT WAS NOT OF HIS + OWN ACCORD, and not until he had used EVERY means of escape, as you shall + hear, that the unfortunate being’s life was brought to an end. + </p> + <p> + ‘As for General de Magny, he quite fell into imbecility a short time after + his grandson’s death, and my honoured Duke’s demise. After his Highness + the Prince married the Princess Mary of F——, as they were + walking in the English park together they once met old Magny riding in the + sun in the easy chair, in which he was carried commonly abroad after his + paralytic fits. “This is my wife, Magny,” said the Prince affectionately, + taking the veteran’s hand; and he added, turning to his Princess, “General + de Magny saved my life during the Seven Years’ War.” + </p> + <p> + ‘“What, you’ve taken her back again?” said the old man. “I wish you’d send + me back my poor Maxime.” He had quite forgotten the death of the poor + Princess Olivia, and the Prince, looking very dark indeed, passed away. + </p> + <p> + ‘And now,’ said Madame de Liliengarten, ‘I have only one more gloomy story + to relate to you—the death of the Princess Olivia. It is even more + horrible than the tale I have just told you.’ With which preface the old + lady resumed her narrative. + </p> + <p> + ‘The kind weak Princess’s fate was hastened, if not occasioned, by the + cowardice of Magny. He found means to communicate with her from his + prison, and her Highness, who was not in open disgrace yet (for the Duke, + out of regard to the family, persisted in charging Magny with only + robbery), made the most desperate efforts to relieve him, and to bribe the + gaolers to effect his escape. She was so wild that she lost all patience + and prudence in the conduct of any schemes she may have had for Magny’s + liberation; for her husband was inexorable, and caused the Chevalier’s + prison to be too strictly guarded for escape to be possible. She offered + the State jewels in pawn to the Court banker; who of course was obliged to + decline the transaction. She fell down on her knees, it is said, to + Geldern, the Police Minister, and offered him Heaven knows what as a + bribe. Finally, she came screaming to my poor dear Duke, who, with his + age, diseases, and easy habits, was quite unfit for scenes of so violent a + nature; and who, in consequence of the excitement created in his august + bosom by her frantic violence and grief, had a fit in which I very nigh + lost him. That his dear life was brought to an untimely end by these + transactions I have not the slightest doubt; for the Strasbourg pie, of + which they said he died, never, I am sure, could have injured him, but for + the injury which his dear gentle heart received from the unusual + occurrences in which he was forced to take a share. + </p> + <p> + ‘All her Highness’s movements were carefully, though not ostensibly, + watched by her husband, Prince Victor; who, waiting upon his august + father, sternly signified to him that if his Highness (MY Duke) should + dare to aid the Princess in her efforts to release Magny, he, Prince + Victor, would publicly accuse the Princess and her paramour of high + treason, and take measures with the Diet for removing his father from the + throne, as incapacitated to reign. Hence interposition on our part was + vain, and Magny was left to his fate. + </p> + <p> + ‘It came, as you are aware, very suddenly. Geldern, Police Minister, + Hengst, Master of the Horse, and the colonel of the Prince’s guard, waited + upon the young man in his prison two days after his grandfather had + visited him there and left behind him the phial of poison which the + criminal had not the courage to use. And Geldern signified to the young + man that unless he took of his own accord the laurelwater provided by the + elder Magny, more violent means of death would be instantly employed upon + him, and that a file of grenadiers was in waiting in the courtyard to + despatch him. Seeing this, Magny, with the most dreadful self-abasement, + after dragging himself round the room on his knees from one officer to + another, weeping and screaming with terror, at last desperately drank off + the potion, and was a corpse in a few minutes. Thus ended this wretched + young man. + </p> + <p> + ‘His death was made public in the COURT GAZETTE two days after, the + paragraph stating that Monsieur de M——, struck with remorse + for having attempted the murder of the Jew, had put himself to death by + poison in prison; and a warning was added to all young noblemen of the + duchy to avoid the dreadful sin of gambling, which had been the cause of + the young man’s ruin, and had brought upon the grey hairs of one of the + noblest and most honourable of the servants of the Duke irretrievable + sorrow. + </p> + <p> + ‘The funeral was conducted with decent privacy, the General de Magny + attending it. The carriages of the two Dukes and all the first people of + the Court made their calls upon the General afterwards. He attended parade + as usual the next day on the Arsenal-Place, and Duke Victor, who had been + inspecting the building, came out of it leaning on the brave old warrior’s + arm. He was particularly gracious to the old man, and told his officers + the oft-repeated story how at Rosbach, when the X——contingent + served with the troops of the unlucky Soubise, the General had thrown + himself in the way of a French dragoon, who was pressing hard upon his + Highness in the rout, had received the blow intended for his master, and + killed the assailant. And he alluded to the family motto of “Magny sans + tache,” and said, “It had been always so with his gallant friend and tutor + in arms.” This speech affected all present very much; with the exception + of the old General, who only bowed and did not speak: but when he went + home he was heard muttering “Magny sans tache, Magny sans tache!” and was + attacked with paralysis that night, from which he never more than + partially recovered. + </p> + <p> + ‘The news of Maxime’s death had somehow been kept from the Princess until + now: a GAZETTE even being printed without the paragraph containing the + account of his suicide; but it was at length, I know not how, made known + to her. And when she heard it, her ladies tell me, she screamed and fell, + as if struck dead; then sat up wildly and raved like a madwoman, and was + then carried to her bed, where her physician attended her, and where she + lay of a brain-fever. All this while the Prince used to send to make + inquiries concerning her; and from his giving orders that his Castle of + Schlangenfels should be prepared and furnished, I make no doubt it was his + intention to send her into confinement thither: as had been done with the + unhappy sister of His Britannic Majesty at Zell. + </p> + <p> + ‘She sent repeatedly to demand an interview with his Highness; which the + latter declined, saying that he would communicate with her Highness when + her health was sufficiently recovered. To one of her passionate letters he + sent back for reply a packet, which, when opened, was found to contain the + emerald that had been the cause round which all this dark intrigue moved. + </p> + <p> + ‘Her Highness at this time became quite frantic; vowed in the presence of + all her ladies that one lock of her darling Maxime’s hair was more + precious to her than all the jewels in the world: rang for her carriage, + and said she would go and kiss his tomb; proclaimed the murdered martyr’s + innocence, and called down the punishment of Heaven, the wrath of her + family, upon his assassin. The Prince, on hearing these speeches (they + were all, of course, regularly brought to him), is said to have given one + of his dreadful looks (which I remember now), and to have said, “This + cannot last much longer.” + </p> + <p> + ‘All that day and the next the Princess Olivia passed in dictating the + most passionate letters to the Prince her father, to the Kings of France, + Naples, and Spain, her kinsmen, and to all other branches of her family, + calling upon them in the most incoherent terms to protect her against the + butcher and assassin her husband, assailing his person in the maddest + terms of reproach, and at the same time confessing her love for the + murdered Magny. It was in vain that those ladies who were faithful to her + pointed out to her the inutility of these letters, the dangerous folly of + the confessions which they made; she insisted upon writing them, and used + to give them to her second robe-woman, a Frenchwoman (her Highness always + affectioned persons of that nation), who had the key of her cassette, and + carried every one of these epistles to Geldern. + </p> + <p> + ‘With the exception that no public receptions were held, the ceremony of + the Princess’s establishment went on as before. Her ladies were allowed to + wait upon her and perform their usual duties about her person. The only + men admitted were, however, her servants, her physician and chaplain; and + one day when she wished to go into the garden, a heyduc, who kept the + door, intimated to her Highness that the Prince’s orders were that she + should keep her apartments. + </p> + <p> + ‘They abut, as you remember, upon the landing of the marble staircase of + Schloss X——; the entrance to Prince Victor’s suite of rooms + being opposite the Princess’s on the same landing. This space is large, + filled with sofas and benches, and the gentlemen and officers who waited + upon the Duke used to make a sort of antechamber of the landing-place, and + pay their court to his Highness there, as he passed out, at eleven + o’clock, to parade. At such a time, the heyducs within the Princess’s + suite of rooms used to turn out with their halberts and present to Prince + Victor—the same ceremony being performed on his own side, when pages + came out and announced the approach of his Highness. The pages used to + come out and say, “The Prince, gentlemen!” and the drums beat in the hall, + and the gentlemen rose, who were waiting on the benches that ran along the + balustrade. + </p> + <p> + ‘As if fate impelled her to her death, one day the Princess, as her guards + turned out, and she was aware that the Prince was standing, as was his + wont, on the landing, conversing with his gentlemen (in the old days he + used to cross to the Princess’s apartment and kiss her hand)—the + Princess, who had been anxious all the morning, complaining of heat, + insisting that all the doors of the apartments should be left open; and + giving tokens of an insanity which I think was now evident, rushed wildly + at the doors when the guards passed out, flung them open, and before a + word could be said, or her ladies could follow her, was in presence of + Duke Victor, who was talking as usual on the landing: placing herself + between him and the stair, she began apostrophising him with frantic + vehemence:— + </p> + <p> + ‘“Take notice, gentlemen!” she screamed out, “that this man is a murderer + and a liar; that he lays plots for honourable gentlemen, and kills them in + prison! Take notice, that I too am in prison, and fear the same fate: the + same butcher who killed Maxime de Magny, may, any night, put the knife to + my throat. I appeal to you, and to all the kings of Europe, my Royal + kinsmen. I demand to be set free from this tyrant and villain, this liar + and traitor! I adjure you all, as gentlemen of honour, to carry these + letters to my relatives, and say from whom you had them!” and with this + the unhappy lady began scattering letters about among the astonished + crowd. + </p> + <p> + ‘“LET NO MAN STOOP!” cried the Prince, in a voice of thunder. “Madame de + Gleim, you should have watched your patient better. Call the Princess’s + physicians: her Highness’s brain is affected. Gentlemen, have the goodness + to retire.” And the Prince stood on the landing as the gentlemen went down + the stairs, saying fiercely to the guard, “Soldier, if she moves, strike + with your halbert!” on which the man brought the point of his weapon to + the Princess’s breast; and the lady, frightened, shrank back and + re-entered her apartments. “Now, Monsieur de Weissenborn,” said the + Prince, “pick up all those papers;” and the Prince went into his own + apartments, preceded by his pages, and never quitted them until he had + seen every one of the papers burnt. + </p> + <p> + ‘The next day the COURT GAZETTE contained a bulletin signed by the three + physicians, stating that “her Highness the Hereditary Princess laboured + under inflammation of the brain, and had passed a restless and disturbed + night.” Similar notices were issued day after day. The services of all her + ladies, except two, were dispensed with. Guards were placed within and + without her doors; her windows were secured, so that escape from them was + impossible: and you know what took place ten days after. The church-bells + were ringing all night, and the prayers of the faithful asked for a person + IN EXTREMIS. A GAZETTE appeared in the morning, edged with black, and + stating that the high and mighty Princess Olivia Maria Ferdinanda, consort + of His Serene Highness Victor Louis Emanuel, Hereditary Prince of X——, + had died in the evening of the 24th of January 1769. + </p> + <p> + ‘But do you know HOW she died, sir? That, too, is a mystery. Weissenborn, + the page, was concerned in this dark tragedy; and the secret was so + dreadful, that never, believe me, till Prince Victor’s death, did I reveal + it. + </p> + <p> + ‘After the fatal ESCLANDRE which the Princess had made, the Prince sent + for Weissenborn, and binding him by the most solemn adjuration to secrecy + (he only broke it to his wife many years after: indeed, there is no secret + in the world that women cannot know if they will), despatched him on the + following mysterious commission. + </p> + <p> + ‘“There lives,” said his Highness, “on the Kehl side of the river, + opposite to Strasbourg, a man whose residence you will easily find out + from his name, which is MONSIEUR DE STRASBOURG. You will make your + inquiries concerning him quietly, and without occasioning any remark; + perhaps you had better go into Strasbourg for the purpose, where the + person is quite well known. You will take with you any comrade on whom you + can perfectly rely: the lives of both, remember, depend on your secrecy. + You will find out some period when MONSIEUR DE STRASBOURG is alone, or + only in company of the domestic who lives with him (I myself visited the + man by accident on my return from Paris five years since, and hence am + induced to send for him now, in my present emergency). You will have your + carriage waiting at his door at night; and you and your comrade will enter + his house masked; and present him with a purse of a hundred louis; + promising him double that sum on his return from his expedition. If he + refuse, you must use force and bring him; menacing him with instant death + should he decline to follow you. You will place him in the carriage with + the blinds drawn, one or other of you never losing sight of him the whole + way, and threatening him with death if he discover himself or cry out. You + will lodge him in the old Tower here, where a room shall be prepared for + him; and his work being done, you will restore him to his home with the + same speed and secrecy with which you brought him from it.” + </p> + <p> + ‘Such were the mysterious orders Prince Victor gave his page; and + Weissenborn, selecting for his comrade in the expedition Lieutenant + Bartenstein, set out on his strange journey. + </p> + <p> + ‘All this while the palace was hushed, as if in mourning, the bulletins in + the COURT GAZETTE appeared, announcing the continuance of the Princess’s + malady; and though she had but few attendants, strange and circumstantial + stories were told regarding the progress of her complaint. She was quite + wild. She had tried to kill herself. She had fancied herself to be I don’t + know how many different characters. Expresses were sent to her family + informing them of her state, and couriers despatched PUBLICLY to Vienna + and Paris to procure the attendance of physicians skilled in treating + diseases of the brain. That pretended anxiety was all a feint: it was + never intended that the Princess should recover. + </p> + <p> + ‘The day on which Weissenborn and Bartenstein returned from their + expedition, it was announced that her Highness the Princess was much + worse; that night the report through the town was that she was at the + agony: and that night the unfortunate creature was endeavouring to make + her escape. + </p> + <p> + ‘She had unlimited confidence in the French chamber-woman who attended + her, and between her and this woman the plan of escape was arranged. The + Princess took her jewels in a casket; a private door, opening from one of + her rooms and leading into the outer gate, it was said, of the palace, was + discovered for her: and a letter was brought to her, purporting to be from + the Duke, her father-in-law, and stating that a carriage and horses had + been provided, and would take her to B——: the territory where + she might communicate with her family and be safe. + </p> + <p> + ‘The unhappy lady, confiding in her guardian, set out on the expedition. + The passages wound through the walls of the modern part of the palace and + abutted in effect at the old Owl Tower, as it was called, on the outer + wall: the tower was pulled down afterwards, and for good reason. + </p> + <p> + ‘At a certain place the candle, which the chamberwoman was carrying, went + out; and the Princess would have screamed with terror, but her hand was + seized, and a voice cried “Hush!” The next minute a man in a mask (it was + the Duke himself) rushed forward, gagged her with a handkerchief, her + hands and legs were bound, and she was carried swooning with terror into a + vaulted room, where she was placed by a person there waiting, and tied in + an arm-chair. The same mask who had gagged her, came and bared her neck + and said, “It had best be done now she has fainted.” + </p> + <p> + ‘Perhaps it would have been as well; for though she recovered from her + swoon, and her confessor, who was present, came forward and endeavoured to + prepare her for the awful deed which was about to be done upon her, and + for the state into which she was about to enter, when she came to herself + it was only to scream like a maniac, to curse the Duke as a butcher and + tyrant, and to call upon Magny, her dear Magny. + </p> + <p> + ‘At this the Duke said, quite calmly, “May God have mercy on her sinful + soul!” He, the confessor, and Geldern, who were present, went down on + their knees; and, as his Highness dropped his handkerchief, Weissenborn + fell down in a fainting fit; while MONSIEUR DE STRASBOURG, taking the back + hair in his hand, separated the shrieking head of Olivia from the + miserable sinful body. May Heaven have mercy upon her soul!’ + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + This was the story told by Madame de Liliengarten, and the reader will + have no difficulty in drawing from it that part which affected myself and + my uncle; who, after six weeks of arrest, were set at liberty, but with + orders to quit the duchy immediately: indeed, with an escort of dragoons + to conduct us to the frontier. What property we had, we were allowed to + sell and realise in money; but none of our play debts were paid to us: and + all my hopes of the Countess Ida were thus at an end. + </p> + <p> + When Duke Victor came to the throne, which he did when, six months after, + apoplexy carried off the old sovereign his father, all the good old usages + of X——were given up,—play forbidden; the opera and + ballet sent to the right-about; and the regiments which the old Duke had + sold recalled from their foreign service: with them came my Countess’s + beggarly cousin the ensign, and he married her. I don’t know whether they + were happy or not. It is certain that a woman of such a poor spirit did + not merit any very high degree of pleasure. + </p> + <p> + The now reigning Duke of X——himself married four years after + his first wife’s demise, and Geldern, though no longer Police Minister, + built the grand house of which Madame de Liliengarten spoke. What became + of the minor actors in the great tragedy, who knows? Only MONSIEUR DE + STRASBOURG was restored to his duties. Of the rest—the Jew, the + chamber-woman, the spy on Magny—I know nothing. Those sharp tools + with which great people cut out their enterprises are generally broken in + the using: nor did I ever hear that their employers had much regard for + them in their ruin. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0013" id="link2HCH0013"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIII. I CONTINUE MY CAREER AS A MAN OF FASHION + </h2> + <p> + I find I have already filled up many scores of pages, and yet a vast deal + of the most interesting portion of my history remains to be told, viz. + that which describes my sojourn in the kingdoms of England and Ireland, + and the great part I played there; moving among the most illustrious of + the land, myself not the least distinguished of the brilliant circle. In + order to give due justice to this portion of my Memoirs, then,—which + is more important than my foreign adventures can be (though I could fill + volumes with interesting descriptions of the latter),—I shall cut + short the account of my travels in Europe, and of my success at the + Continental Courts, in order to speak of what befell me at home. Suffice + it to say that there is not a capital in Europe, except the beggarly one + of Berlin, where the young Chevalier de Balibari was not known and + admired; and where he has not made the brave, the high-born, and the + beautiful talk of him. I won 80,000 roubles from Potemkin at the Winter + Palace at Petersburg, which the scoundrelly favourite never paid me; I + have had the honour of seeing his Royal Highness the Chevalier Charles + Edward as drunk as any porter at Rome; my uncle played several matches at + billiards against the celebrated Lord C——at Spa, and I promise + you did not come off a loser. In fact, by a neat stratagem of ours, we + raised the laugh against his Lordship, and something a great deal more + substantial. My Lord did not know that the Chevalier Barry had a useless + eye; and when, one day, my uncle playfully bet him odds at billiards that + he would play him with a patch over one eye, the noble lord, thinking to + bite us (he was one of the most desperate gamblers that ever lived), + accepted the bet, and we won a very considerable amount of him. + </p> + <p> + Nor need I mention my successes among the fairer portion of the creation. + One of the most accomplished, the tallest, the most athletic, and the + handsomest gentlemen of Europe, as I was then, a young fellow of my figure + could not fail of having advantages, which a person of my spirit knew very + well how to use. But upon these subjects I am dumb. Charming Schuvaloff, + black-eyed Sczotarska, dark Valdez, tender Hegenheim, brilliant Langeac!—ye + gentle hearts that knew how to beat in old times for the warm young Irish + gentleman, where are you now? Though my hair has grown grey now, and my + sight dim, and my heart cold with years, and ennui, and disappointment, + and the treachery of friends, yet I have but to lean back in my arm-chair + and think, and those sweet figures come rising up before me out of the + past, with their smiles, and their kindnesses, and their bright tender + eyes! There are no women like them now—no manners like theirs! Look + you at a bevy of women at the Prince’s, stitched up in tight white satin + sacks, with their waists under their arms, and compare them to the + graceful figures of the old time! Why, when I danced with Coralie de + Langeac at the fetes on the birth of the first Dauphin at Versailles, her + hoop was eighteen feet in circumference, and the heels of her lovely + little mules were three inches from the ground; the lace of my jabot was + worth a thousand crowns, and the buttons of my amaranth velvet coat alone + cost eighty thousand livres. Look at the difference now! The gentlemen are + dressed like boxers, Quakers, or hackney-coachmen; and the ladies are not + dressed at all. There is no elegance, no refinement; none of the chivalry + of the old world, of which I form a portion. Think of the fashion of + London being led by a Br-mm-l! [Footnote: This manuscript must have been + written at the time when Mr. Brummel was the leader of the London + fashion.] a nobody’s son: a low creature, who can no more dance a minuet + than I can talk Cherokee; who cannot even crack a bottle like a gentleman; + who never showed himself to be a man with his sword in his hand: as we + used to approve ourselves in the good old times, before that vulgar + Corsican upset the gentry of the world! Oh, to see the Valdez once again, + as on that day I met her first driving in state, with her eight mules and + her retinue of gentlemen, by the side of yellow Mancanares! Oh, for + another drive with Hegenheim, in the gilded sledge, over the Saxon snow! + False as Schuvaloff was, ‘twas better to be jilted by her than to be + adored by any other woman. I can’t think of any one of them without + tenderness. I have ringlets of all their hair in my poor little museum of + recollections. Do you keep mine, you dear souls that survive the turmoils + and troubles of near half a hundred years? How changed its colour is now, + since the day Sczotarska wore it round her neck, after my duel with Count + Bjernaski, at Warsaw. + </p> + <p> + I never kept any beggarly books of accounts in those days. I had no debts. + I paid royally for everything I took; and I took everything I wanted. My + income must have been very large. My entertainments and equipages were + those of a gentleman of the highest distinction; nor let any scoundrel + presume to sneer because I carried off and married my Lady Lyndon (as you + shall presently hear), and call me an adventurer, or say I was penniless, + or the match unequal. Penniless! I had the wealth of Europe at my command. + Adventurer! So is a meritorious lawyer or a gallant soldier; so is every + man who makes his own fortune an adventurer. My profession was play: in + which I was then unrivalled. No man could play with me through Europe, on + the square; and my income was just as certain (during health and the + exercise of my profession) as that of a man who draws on his + Three-per-cents., or any fat squire whose acres bring him revenue. Harvest + is not more certain than the effect of skill is: a crop is a chance, as + much as a game of cards greatly played by a fine player: there may be a + drought, or a frost, or a hail-storm, and your stake is lost; but one man + is just as much an adventurer as another. + </p> + <p> + In evoking the recollection of these kind and fair creatures I have + nothing but pleasure. I would I could say as much of the memory of another + lady, who will henceforth play a considerable part in the drama of my + life,—I mean the Countess of Lyndon; whose fatal acquaintance I made + at Spa, very soon after the events described in the last chapter had + caused me to quit Germany. + </p> + <p> + Honoria, Countess of Lyndon, Viscountess Bullingdon in England, Baroness + Castle Lyndon of the kingdom of Ireland, was so well known to the great + world in her day, that I have little need to enter into her family + history; which is to be had in any peerage that the reader may lay his + hand on. She was, as I need not say, a countess, viscountess, and baroness + in her own right. Her estates in Devon and Cornwall were among the most + extensive in those parts; her Irish possessions not less magnificent; and + they have been alluded to, in a very early part of these Memoirs, as lying + near to my own paternal property in the kingdom of Ireland: indeed, unjust + confiscations in the time of Elizabeth and her father went to diminish my + acres, while they added to the already vast possessions of the Lyndon + family. + </p> + <p> + The Countess, when I first saw her at the assembly at Spa, was the wife of + her cousin, the Right Honourable Sir Charles Reginald Lyndon, Knight of + the Bath, and Minister to George II. and George III. at several of the + smaller Courts of Europe. Sir Charles Lyndon was celebrated as a wit and + bon vivant: he could write love-verses against Hanbury Williams, and make + jokes with George Selwyn; he was a man of vertu like Harry Walpole, with + whom and Mr. Grey he had made a part of the grand tour; and was cited, in + a word, as one of the most elegant and accomplished men of his time. + </p> + <p> + I made this gentleman’s acquaintance as usual at the play-table, of which + he was a constant frequenter. Indeed, one could not but admire the spirit + and gallantry with which he pursued his favourite pastime; for, though + worn out by gout and a myriad of diseases, a cripple wheeled about in a + chair, and suffering pangs of agony, yet you would see him every morning + and every evening at his post behind the delightful green cloth: and if, + as it would often happen, his own hands were too feeble or inflamed to + hold the box, he would call the mains, nevertheless, and have his valet or + a friend to throw for him. I like this courageous spirit in a man; the + greatest successes in life have been won by such indomitable perseverance. + </p> + <p> + I was by this time one of the best-known characters in Europe; and the + fame of my exploits, my duels, my courage at play, would bring crowds + around me in any public society where I appeared. I could show reams of + scented paper, to prove that this eagerness to make my acquaintance was + not confined to the gentlemen only; but that I hate boasting, and only + talk of myself in so far as it is necessary to relate myself’s adventures: + the most singular of any man’s in Europe. Well, Sir Charles Lyndon’s first + acquaintance with me originated in the right honourable knight’s winning + 700 pieces of me at picquet (for which he was almost my match); and I lost + them with much good-humour, and paid them: and paid them, you may be sure, + punctually. Indeed, I will say this for myself, that losing money at play + never in the least put me out of good-humour with the winner, and that + wherever I found a superior, I was always ready to acknowledge and hail + him. + </p> + <p> + Lyndon was very proud of winning from so celebrated a person, and we + contracted a kind of intimacy; which, however, did not for a while go + beyond pump-room attentions, and conversations over the supper-table at + play: but which gradually increased, until I was admitted into his more + private friendship. He was a very free-spoken man (the gentry of those + days were much prouder than at present), and used to say to me in his + haughty easy way, ‘Hang it, Mr. Barry, you have no more manners than a + barber, and I think my black footman has been better educated than you; + but you are a young fellow of originality and pluck, and I like you, sir, + because you seem determined to go to the deuce by a way of your own.’ I + would thank him laughingly for this compliment, and say, that as he was + bound to the next world much sooner than I was, I would be obliged to him + to get comfortable quarters arranged there for me. He used also to be + immensely amused with my stories about the splendour of my family and the + magnificence of Castle Brady: he would never tire of listening or laughing + at those histories. + </p> + <p> + ‘Stick to the trumps, however, my lad,’ he would say, when I told him of + my misfortunes in the conjugal line, and how near I had been winning the + greatest fortune in Germany. ‘Do anything but marry, my artless Irish + rustic’ (he called me by a multiplicity of queer names). ‘Cultivate your + great talents in the gambling line; but mind this, that a woman will beat + you.’ + </p> + <p> + That I denied; mentioning several instances in which I had conquered the + most intractable tempers among the sex. + </p> + <p> + ‘They will beat you in the long run, my Tipperary Alcibiades. As soon as + you are married, take my word of it, you are conquered. Look at me. I + married my cousin, the noblest and greatest heiress in England—married + her in spite of herself almost’ (here a dark shade passed over Sir Charles + Lyndon’s countenance). ‘She is a weak woman. You shall see her, sir, HOW + weak she is; but she is my mistress. She has embittered my whole life. She + is a fool; but she has got the better of one of the best heads in + Christendom. She is enormously rich; but somehow I have never been so poor + as since I married her. I thought to better myself; and she has made me + miserable and killed me. And she will do as much for my successor, when I + am gone.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Has her Ladyship a very large income?’ said I. At which Sir Charles burst + out into a yelling laugh, and made me blush not a little at my gaucherie; + for the fact is, seeing him in the condition in which he was, I could not + help speculating upon the chance a man of spirit might have with his + widow. + </p> + <p> + ‘No, no!’ said he, laughing. ‘Waugh hawk, Mr. Barry; don’t think, if you + value your peace of mind, to stand in my shoes when they are vacant. + Besides, I don’t think my Lady Lyndon would QUITE condescend to marry a’—— + </p> + <p> + ‘Marry a what, sir?’ said I, in a rage. + </p> + <p> + “Never mind what: but the man who gets her will rue it, take my word on’t. + A plague on her! had it not been for my father’s ambition and mine (he was + her uncle and guardian, and we wouldn’t let such a prize out of the + family), I might have died peaceably, at least; carried my gout down to my + grave in quiet, lived in my modest tenement in Mayfair, had every house in + England open to me; and now, now I have six of my own, and every one of + them is a hell to me. Beware of greatness, Mr. Barry. Take warning by me. + Ever since I have been married and have been rich, I have been the most + miserable wretch in the world. Look at me. I am dying a worn-out cripple + at the age of fifty. Marriage has added forty years to my life. When I + took off Lady Lyndon, there was no man of my years who looked so young as + myself. Fool that I was! I had enough with my pensions, perfect freedom, + the best society in Europe; and I gave up all these, and married, and was + miserable. Take a warning by me, Captain Barry, and stick to the trumps.” + </p> + <p> + Though my intimacy with the knight was considerable, for a long time I + never penetrated into any other apartments of his hotel but those which he + himself occupied. His lady lived entirely apart from him; and it is only + curious how they came to travel together at all. She was a goddaughter of + old Mary Wortley Montagu: and, like that famous old woman of the last + century, made considerable pretensions to be a blue-stocking and a bel + esprit. Lady Lyndon wrote poems in English and Italian, which still may be + read by the curious in the pages of the magazines of the day. She + entertained a correspondence with several of the European savans upon + history, science, and ancient languages, and especially theology. Her + pleasure was to dispute controversial points with abbes and bishops; and + her flatterers said she rivalled Madam Dacier in learning. Every + adventurer who had a discovery in chemistry, a new antique bust, or a plan + for discovering the philosopher’s stone, was sure to find a patroness in + her. She had numberless works dedicated to her, and sonnets without end + addressed to her by all the poetasters of Europe, under the name of + Lindonira or Calista. Her rooms were crowded with hideous China magots, + and all sorts of objects of VERTU. + </p> + <p> + No woman piqued herself more upon her principles, or allowed love to be + made to her more profusely. There was a habit of courtship practised by + the fine gentlemen of those days, which is little understood in our coarse + downright times: and young and old fellows would pour out floods of + compliments in letters and madrigals, such as would make a sober lady + stare were they addressed to her nowadays: so entirely has the gallantry + of the last century disappeared out of our manners. + </p> + <p> + Lady Lyndon moved about with a little court of her own. She had + half-a-dozen carriages in her progresses. In her own she would travel with + her companion (some shabby lady of quality), her birds, and poodles, and + the favourite savant for the time being. In another would be her female + secretary and her waiting-women; who, in spite of their care, never could + make their mistress look much better than a slattern. Sir Charles Lyndon + had his own chariot, and the domestics of the establishment would follow + in other vehicles. + </p> + <p> + Also must be mentioned the carriage in which rode her Ladyship’s chaplain, + Mr. Runt, who acted in capacity of governor to her son, the little + Viscount Bullingdon,—a melancholy deserted little boy, about whom + his father was more than indifferent, and whom his mother never saw, + except for two minutes at her levee, when she would put to him a few + questions of history or Latin grammar; after which he was consigned to his + own amusements, or the care of his governor, for the rest of the day. + </p> + <p> + The notion of such a Minerva as this, whom I saw in the public places now + and then, surrounded by swarms of needy abbes and schoolmasters, who + flattered her, frightened me for some time, and I had not the least desire + to make her acquaintance. I had no desire to be one of the beggarly + adorers in the great lady’s train,—fellows, half friend, half + lacquey, who made verses, and wrote letters, and ran errands, content to + be paid by a seat in her Ladyship’s box at the comedy, or a cover at her + dinner-table at noon. ‘Don’t be afraid,’ Sir Charles Lyndon would say, + whose great subject of conversation and abuse was his lady: ‘my Lindonira + will have nothing to do with you. She likes the Tuscan brogue, not that of + Kerry. She says you smell too much of the stable to be admitted to ladies’ + society; and last Sunday fortnight, when she did me the honour to speak to + me last, said, “I wonder, Sir Charles Lyndon, a gentleman who has been the + King’s ambassador can demean himself by gambling and boozing with low + Irish blacklegs!” Don’t fly in a fury! I’m a cripple, and it was Lindonira + said it, not I.’ + </p> + <p> + This piqued me, and I resolved to become acquainted with Lady Lyndon; if + it were but to show her Ladyship that the descendant of those Barrys, + whose property she unjustly held, was not an unworthy companion for any + lady, were she ever so high. Besides, my friend the knight was dying: his + widow would be the richest prize in the three kingdoms. Why should I not + win her, and, with her, the means of making in the world that figure which + my genius and inclination desired? I felt I was equal in blood and + breeding to any Lyndon in Christendom, and determined to bend this haughty + lady. When I determine, I look upon the thing as done. + </p> + <p> + My uncle and I talked the matter over, and speedily settled upon a method + for making our approaches upon this stately lady of Castle Lyndon. Mr. + Runt, young Lord Bullingdon’s governor, was fond of pleasure, of a glass + of Rhenish in the garden-houses in the summer evenings, and of a sly throw + of the dice when the occasion offered; and I took care to make friends + with this person, who, being a college tutor and an Englishman, was ready + to go on his knees to any one who resembled a man of fashion. Seeing me + with my retinue of servants, my vis-a-vis and chariots, my valets, my + hussar, and horses, dressed in gold, and velvet, and sables, saluting the + greatest people in Europe as we met on the course, or at the Spas, Runt + was dazzled by my advances, and was mine by a beckoning of the finger. I + shall never forget the poor wretch’s astonishment when I asked him to + dine, with two counts, off gold plate, at the little room in the casino: + he was made happy by being allowed to win a few pieces of us, became + exceedingly tipsy, sang Cambridge songs, and recreated the company by + telling us, in his horrid Yorkshire French, stories about the gyps, and + all the lords that had ever been in his college. I encouraged him to come + and see me oftener, and bring with him his little viscount; for whom, + though the boy always detested me, I took care to have a good stock of + sweetmeats, toys, and picture-books when he came. + </p> + <p> + I then began to enter into a controversy with Mr. Runt, and confided to + him some doubts which I had, and a very very earnest leaning towards the + Church of Rome. I made a certain abbe whom I knew write me letters upon + transubstantiation, &c., which the honest tutor was rather puzzled to + answer. I knew that they would be communicated to his lady, as they were; + for, asking leave to attend the English service which was celebrated in + her apartments, and frequented by the best English then at the Spa, on the + second Sunday she condescended to look at me; on the third she was pleased + to reply to my profound bow by a curtsey; the next day I followed up the + acquaintance by another obeisance in the public walk; and, to make a long + story short, her Ladyship and I were in full correspondence on + transubstantiation before six weeks were over. My Lady came to the aid of + her chaplain; and then I began to see the prodigious weight of his + arguments: as was to be expected. The progress of this harmless little + intrigue need not be detailed. I make no doubt every one of my readers has + practised similar stratagems when a fair lady was in the case. + </p> + <p> + I shall never forget the astonishment of Sir Charles Lyndon when, on one + summer evening, as he was issuing out to the play-table in his + sedan-chair, according to his wont, her Ladyship’s barouche and four, with + her outriders in the tawny livery of the Lyndon family, came driving into + the courtyard of the house which they inhabited; and in that carriage, by + her Ladyship’s side, sat no other than the ‘vulgar Irish adventurer,’ as + she was pleased to call him: I mean Redmond Barry, Esquire. He made the + most courtly of his bows, and grinned and waved his hat in as graceful a + manner as the gout permitted; and her Ladyship and I replied to the + salutation with the utmost politeness and elegance on our parts. + </p> + <p> + I could not go to the play-table for some time afterwards for Lady Lyndon + and I had an argument on transubstantiation, which lasted for three hours; + in which she was, as usual, victorious, and, in which her companion, the + Honourable Miss Flint Skinner, fell asleep; but when, at last, I joined + Sir Charles at the casino, he received me with a yell of laughter, as his + wont was, and introduced me to all the company as Lady Lyndon’s + interesting young convert. This was his way. He laughed and sneered at + everything. He laughed when he was in a paroxysm of pain; he laughed when + he won money, or when he lost it: his laugh was not jovial or agreeable, + but rather painful and sardonic. + </p> + <p> + ‘Gentlemen,’ said he to Punter, Colonel Loder, Count du Carreau, and + several jovial fellows with whom he used to discuss a flask of champagne + and a Rhenish trout or two after play, ‘see this amiable youth! He has + been troubled by religious scruples, and has flown for refuge to my + chaplain, Mr. Runt, who has asked for advice from my wife, Lady Lyndon; + and, between them both, they are confirming my ingenious young friend in + his faith. Did you ever hear of such doctors, and such a disciple?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘’Faith, sir,’ said I, ‘if I want to learn good principles, it’s surely + better I should apply for them to your lady and your chaplain than to + you!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘He wants to step into my shoes!’ continued the knight. + </p> + <p> + ‘The man would be happy who did so,’ responded I, ‘provided there were no + chalk-stones included!’ At which reply Sir Charles was not very well + pleased, and went on with increased rancour. He was always free-spoken in + his cups; and, to say the truth, he was in his cups many more times in a + week than his doctors allowed. + </p> + <p> + ‘Is it not a pleasure, gentlemen,’ said he, ‘for me, as I am drawing near + the goal, to find my home such a happy one; my wife so fond of me, that + she is even now thinking of appointing a successor? (I don’t mean you + precisely, Mr. Barry; you are only taking your chance with a score of + others whom I could mention.) Isn’t it a comfort to see her, like a + prudent housewife, getting everything ready for her husband’s departure?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I hope you are not thinking of leaving us soon, knight?’ said I, with + perfect sincerity; for I liked him, as a most amusing companion. ‘Not so + soon, my dear, as you may fancy, perhaps,’ continued he. ‘Why, man, I have + been given over any time these four years; and there was always a + candidate or two waiting to apply for the situation. Who knows how long I + may keep you waiting?’ and he DID keep me waiting some little time longer + than at that period there was any reason to suspect. + </p> + <p> + As I declared myself pretty openly, according to my usual way, and authors + are accustomed to describe the persons of the ladies with whom their + heroes fall in love; in compliance with this fashion, I perhaps should say + a word or two respecting the charms of my Lady Lyndon. But though I + celebrated them in many copies of verses, of my own and other persons’ + writing; and though I filled reams of paper in the passionate style of + those days with compliments to every one of her beauties and smiles, in + which I compared her to every flower, goddess, or famous heroine ever + heard of,—truth compels me to say that there was nothing divine + about her at all. She was very well; but no more. Her shape was fine, her + hair dark, her eyes good, and exceedingly active; she loved singing, but + performed it as so great a lady should, very much out of tune. She had a + smattering of half-a-dozen modern languages, and, as I have said before, + of many more sciences than I even knew the names of. She piqued herself on + knowing Greek and Latin; but the truth is, that Mr. Runt, used to supply + her with the quotations which she introduced into her voluminous + correspondence. She had as much love of admiration, as strong, uneasy a + vanity, and as little heart, as any woman I ever knew. Otherwise, when her + son, Lord Bullingdon, on account of his differences with me, ran—but + that matter shall be told in its proper time. Finally, my Lady Lyndon was + about a year older than myself; though, of course, she would take her + Bible oath that she was three years younger. + </p> + <p> + Few men are so honest as I am; for few will own to their real motives, and + I don’t care a button about confessing mine. What Sir Charles Lyndon said + was perfectly true. I made the acquaintance of Lady Lyndon with ulterior + views. ‘Sir,’ said I to him, when, after the scene described and the jokes + he made upon me, we met alone, ‘let those laugh that win. You were very + pleasant upon me a few nights since, and on my intentions regarding your + lady. Well, if they ARE what you think they are,—if I DO wish to + step into your shoes, what then? I have no other intentions than you had + yourself. I’ll be sworn to muster just as much regard for my Lady Lyndon + as you ever showed her; and if I win her and wear her when you are dead + and gone, corbleu, knight, do you think it will be the fear of your ghost + will deter me?’ + </p> + <p> + Lyndon laughed as usual; but somewhat disconcertedly: indeed I had clearly + the best of him in the argument, and had just as much right to hunt my + fortune as he had. + </p> + <p> + But one day he said, ‘If you marry such a woman as my Lady Lyndon, mark my + words, you will regret it. You will pine after the liberty you once + enjoyed. By George! Captain Barry,’ he added, with a sigh, ‘the thing that + I regret most in life—perhaps it is because I am old, blase, and + dying—is, that I never had a virtuous attachment.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Ha! ha! a milkmaid’s daughter!’ said I, laughing at the absurdity. + </p> + <p> + ‘Well, why not a milkmaid’s daughter? My good fellow, I WAS in love in + youth, as most gentlemen are, with my tutor’s daughter, Helena, a bouncing + girl; of course older than myself’ (this made me remember my own little + love-passages with Nora Brady in the days of my early life), ‘and do you + know, sir, I heartily regret I didn’t marry her? There’s nothing like + having a virtuous drudge at home, sir; depend upon that. It gives a zest + to one’s enjoyments in the world, take my word for it. No man of sense + need restrict himself, or deny himself a single amusement for his wife’s + sake: on the contrary, if he select the animal properly, he will choose + such a one as shall be no bar to his pleasure, but a comfort in his hours + of annoyance. For instance, I have got the gout: who tends me? A hired + valet, who robs me whenever he has the power. My wife never comes near me. + What friend have I? None in the wide world. Men of the world, as you and I + are, don’t make friends; and we are fools for our pains. Get a friend, + sir, and that friend a woman—a good household drudge, who loves you. + THAT is the most precious sort of friendship; for the expense of it is all + on the woman’s side. The man needn’t contribute anything. If he’s a rogue, + she’ll vow he’s an angel; if he’s a brute, she will like him all the + better for his ill-treatment of her. They like it, sir, these women. They + are born to be our greatest comforts and conveniences; our—our moral + bootjacks, as it were; and to men in your way of life, believe me such a + person would be invaluable. I am only speaking for your bodily and mental + comfort’s sake, mind. Why didn’t I marry poor Helena Flower, the curate’s + daughter?’ + </p> + <p> + I thought these speeches the remarks of a weakly disappointed man; + although since, perhaps, I have had reason to find the truth of Sir + Charles Lyndon’s statements. The fact is, in my opinion, that we often buy + money very much too dear. To purchase a few thousands a year at the + expense of an odious wife, is very bad economy for a young fellow of any + talent and spirit; and there have been moments of my life when, in the + midst of my greatest splendour and opulence, with half-a-dozen lords at my + levee, with the finest horses in my stables, the grandest house over my + head, with unlimited credit at my banker’s, and—Lady Lyndon to boot, + I have wished myself back a private of Bulow’s, or anything, so as to get + rid of her. To return, however, to the story. Sir Charles, with his + complication of ills, was dying before us by inches! and I’ve no doubt it + could not have been very pleasant to him to see a young handsome fellow + paying court to his widow before his own face as it were. After I once got + into the house on the transubstantiation dispute, I found a dozen more + occasions to improve my intimacy, and was scarcely ever out of her + Ladyship’s doors. The world talked and blustered; but what cared I? The + men cried fie upon the shameless Irish adventurer; but I have told my way + of silencing such envious people: and my sword had by this time got such a + reputation through Europe, that few people cared to encounter it. If I can + once get my hold of a place, I keep it. Many’s the house I have been to + where I have seen the men avoid me. ‘Faugh! the low Irishman,’ they would + say. ‘Bah! the coarse adventurer!’ ‘Out on the insufferable blackleg and + puppy!’ and so forth. This hatred has been of no inconsiderable service to + me in the world; for when I fasten on a man, nothing can induce me to + release my hold: and I am left to myself, which is all the better. As I + told Lady Lyndon in those days, with perfect sincerity, ‘Calista’ (I used + to call her Calista in my correspondence)—’ Calista, I swear to + thee, by the spotlessness of thy own soul, by the brilliancy of thy + immitigable eyes, by everything pure and chaste in heaven and in thy own + heart, that I will never cease from following thee! Scorn I can bear, and + have borne at thy hands. Indifference I can surmount; ‘tis a rock which my + energy will climb over, a magnet which attracts the dauntless iron of my + soul!’ And it was true, I wouldn’t have left her—no, though they had + kicked me downstairs every day I presented myself at her door. + </p> + <p> + That is my way of fascinating women. Let the man who has to make his + fortune in life remember this maxim. ATTACKING is his only secret. Dare, + and the world always yields: or, if it beat you sometimes, dare again, and + it will succumb. In those days my spirit was so great, that if I had set + my heart upon marrying a princess of the blood, I would have had her! + </p> + <p> + I told Calista my story, and altered very very little of the truth. My + object was to frighten her: to show her that what I wanted, that I dared; + that what I dared, that I won; and there were striking passages enough in + my history to convince her of my iron will and indomitable courage. ‘Never + hope to escape me, madam,’ I would say: ‘offer to marry another man, and + he dies upon this sword, which never yet met its master. Fly from me, and + I will follow you, though it were to the gates of Hades.’ I promise you + this was very different language to that she had been in the habit of + hearing from her Jemmy-Jessamy adorers. You should have seen how I scared + the fellows from her. + </p> + <p> + When I said in this energetic way that I would follow Lady Lyndon across + the Styx if necessary, of course I meant that I would do so, provided + nothing more suitable presented itself in the interim. If Lyndon would not + die, where was the use of my pursuing the Countess? And somehow, towards + the end of the Spa season, very much to my mortification I do confess, the + knight made another rally: it seemed as if nothing would kill him. ‘I am + sorry for you, Captain Barry,’ he would say, laughing as usual. ‘I’m + grieved to keep you, or any gentleman, waiting. Had you not better arrange + with my doctor, or get the cook to flavour my omelette with arsenic? What + are the odds, gentlemen,’ he would add, ‘that I don’t live to see Captain + Barry hanged yet?’ + </p> + <p> + In fact, the doctors tinkered him up for a year. ‘It’s my usual luck,’ I + could not help saying to my uncle, who was my confidential and most + excellent adviser in all matters of the heart. ‘I’ve been wasting the + treasures of my affections upon that flirt of a countess, and here’s her + husband restored to health and likely to live I don’t know how many + years!’ And, as if to add to my mortification, there came just at this + period to Spa an English tallow-chandler’s heiress, with a plum to her + fortune; and Madame Cornu, the widow of a Norman cattle-dealer and + farmer-general, with a dropsy and two hundred thousand livres a year. + </p> + <p> + ‘What’s the use of my following the Lyndons to England,’ says I, ‘if the + knight won’t die?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Don’t follow them, my dear simple child,’ replied my uncle. ‘Stop here + and pay court to the new arrivals.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Yes, and lose Calista for ever, and the greatest estate in all England.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Pooh, pooh! youths like you easily fire and easily despond. Keep up a + correspondence with Lady Lyndon. You know there’s nothing she likes so + much. There’s the Irish abbe, who will write you the most charming letters + for a crown apiece. Let her go; write to her, and meanwhile look out for + anything else which may turn up. Who knows? you might marry the Norman + widow, bury her, take her money, and be ready for the Countess against the + knight’s death.’ + </p> + <p> + And so, with vows of the most profound respectful attachment, and having + given twenty louis to Lady Lyndon’s waiting-woman for a lock of her hair + (of which fact, of course, the woman informed her mistress), I took leave + of the Countess, when it became necessary for her return to her estates in + England; swearing I would follow her as soon as an affair of honour I had + on my hands could be brought to an end. + </p> + <p> + I shall pass over the events of the year that ensued before I again saw + her. She wrote to me according to promise; with much regularity at first, + with somewhat less frequency afterwards. My affairs, meanwhile, at the + play-table went on not unprosperously, and I was just on the point of + marrying the widow Cornu (we were at Brussels by this time, and the poor + soul was madly in love with me,) when the London Gazette was put into my + hands, and I read the following announcement:— + </p> + <p> + ‘Died at Castle-Lyndon, in the kingdom of Ireland, the Right Honourable + Sir Charles Lyndon, Knight of the Bath, member of Parliament for Lyndon in + Devonshire, and many years His Majesty’s representative at various + European Courts. He hath left behind him a name which is endeared to all + his friends for his manifold virtues and talents, a reputation justly + acquired in the service of His Majesty, and an inconsolable widow to + deplore his loss. Her Ladyship, the bereaved Countess of Lyndon, was at + the Bath when the horrid intelligence reached her of her husband’s demise, + and hastened to Ireland immediately in order to pay her last sad duties to + his beloved remains.’ + </p> + <p> + That very night I ordered my chariot and posted to Ostend, whence I + freighted a vessel to Dover, and travelling rapidly into the West, reached + Bristol; from which port I embarked for Waterford, and found myself, after + an absence of eleven years, in my native country. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0014" id="link2HCH0014"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIV. I RETURN TO IRELAND, AND EXHIBIT MY SPLENDOUR AND + </h2> + <p> + GENEROSITY IN THAT KINGDOM + </p> + <p> + How were times changed with me now! I had left my country a poor penniless + boy—a private soldier in a miserable marching regiment. I returned + an accomplished man, with property to the amount of five thousand guineas + in my possession, with a splendid wardrobe and jewel-case worth two + thousand more; having mingled in all the scenes of life a not + undistinguished actor in them; having shared in war and in love; having by + my own genius and energy won my way from poverty and obscurity to + competence and splendour. As I looked out from my chariot windows as it + rolled along over the bleak bare roads, by the miserable cabins of the + peasantry, who came out in their rags to stare as the splendid equipage + passed, and huzza’d for his Lordship’s honour as they saw the magnificent + stranger in the superb gilded vehicle, my huge body-servant Fritz lolling + behind with curling moustaches and long queue, his green livery barred + with silver lace, I could not help thinking of myself with considerable + complacency, and thanking my stars that had endowed me with so many good + qualities. But for my own merits I should have been a raw Irish squireen + such as those I saw swaggering about the wretched towns through which my + chariot passed on its road to Dublin. I might have married Nora Brady (and + though, thank Heaven, I did not, I have never thought of that girl but + with kindness, and even remember the bitterness of losing her more clearly + at this moment than any other incident of my life); I might have been the + father of ten children by this time, or a farmer on my own account, or an + agent to a squire, or a gauger, or an attorney; and here I was one of the + most famous gentlemen of Europe! I bade my fellow get a bag of copper + money and throw it among the crowd as we changed horses; and I warrant me + there was as much shouting set up in praise of my honour as if my Lord + Townshend, the Lord Lieutenant himself, had been passing. + </p> + <p> + My second day’s journey—for the Irish roads were rough in those + days, and the progress of a gentleman’s chariot terribly slow—brought + me to Carlow, where I put up at the very inn which I had used eleven years + back, when flying from home after the supposed murder of Quin in the duel. + How well I remember every moment of the scene! The old landlord was gone + who had served me; the inn that I then thought so comfortable looked + wretched and dismantled; but the claret was as good as in the old days, + and I had the host to partake of a jug of it and hear the news of the + country. + </p> + <p> + He was as communicative as hosts usually are: the crops and the markets, + the price of beasts at last Castle Dermot fair, the last story about the + vicar, and the last joke of Father Hogan the priest; how the Whiteboys had + burned Squire Scanlan’s ricks, and the highwaymen had been beaten off in + their attack upon Sir Thomas’s house; who was to hunt the Kilkenny hounds + next season, and the wonderful run entirely they had last March; what + troops were in the town, and how Miss Biddy Toole had run off with Ensign + Mullins: all the news of sport, assize, and quarter-sessions were detailed + by this worthy chronicler of small-beer, who wondered that my honour + hadn’t heard of them in England, or in foreign parts, where he seemed to + think the world was as interested as he was about the doings of Kilkenny + and Carlow. I listened to these tales with, I own, a considerable + pleasure; for every now and then a name would come up in the conversation + which I remembered in old days, and bring with it a hundred associations + connected with them. + </p> + <p> + I had received many letters from my mother, which informed me of the + doings of the Brady’s Town family. My uncle was dead, and Mick, his eldest + son, had followed him too to the grave. The Brady girls had separated from + their paternal roof as soon as their elder brother came to rule over it. + Some were married, some gone to settle with their odious old mother in + out-of-the-way watering-places. Ulick, though he had succeeded to the + estate, had come in for a bankrupt property, and Castle Brady was now + inhabited only by the bats and owls, and the old gamekeeper. My mother, + Mrs. Harry Barry, had gone to live at Bray, to sit under Mr. Jowls, her + favourite preacher, who had a chapel there; and, finally, the landlord + told me, that Mrs. Barry’s son had gone to foreign parts, enlisted in the + Prussian service, and had been shot there as a deserter. + </p> + <p> + I don’t care to own that I hired a stout nag from the landlord’s stable + after dinner, and rode back at nightfall twenty miles to my old home. My + heart beat to see it. Barryville had got a pestle and mortar over the + door, and was called ‘The Esculapian Repository,’ by Doctor Macshane; a + red-headed lad was spreading a plaster in the old parlour; the little + window of my room, once so neat and bright, was cracked in many places, + and stuffed with rags here and there; the flowers had disappeared from the + trim garden-beds which my good orderly mother tended. In the churchyard + there were two more names put into the stone over the family vault of the + Bradys: they were those of my cousin, for whom my regard was small, and my + uncle, whom I had always loved. I asked my old companion the blacksmith, + who had beaten me so often in old days, to give my horse a feed and a + litter: he was a worn weary-looking man now, with a dozen dirty ragged + children paddling about his smithy, and had no recollection of the fine + gentleman who stood before him. I did not seek to recall my-self to his + memory till the next day, when I put ten guineas into his hand, and bade + him drink the health of English Redmond. + </p> + <p> + As for Castle Brady, the gates of the park were still there; but the old + trees were cut down in the avenue, a black stump jutting out here and + there, and casting long shadows as I passed in the moonlight over the worn + grass-grown old road. A few cows were at pasture there. The garden-gate + was gone, and the place a tangled wilderness. I sat down on the old bench, + where I had sat on the day when Nora jilted me; and I do believe my + feelings were as strong then as they had been when I was a boy, eleven + years before; and I caught myself almost crying again, to think that Nora + Brady had deserted me. I believe a man forgets nothing. I’ve seen a + flower, or heard some trivial word or two, which have awakened + recollections that somehow had lain dormant for scores of years; and when + I entered the house in Clarges Street, where I was born (it was used as a + gambling-house when I first visited London), all of a sudden the memory of + my childhood came back to me—of my actual infancy: I recollected my + father in green and gold, holding me up to look at a gilt coach which + stood at the door, and my mother in a flowered sack, with patches on her + face. Some day, I wonder, will everything we have seen and thought and + done come and flash across our minds in this way? I had rather not. I felt + so as I sat upon the bench at Castle Brady, and thought of the bygone + times. + </p> + <p> + The hall-door was open—it was always so at that house; the moon was + flaring in at the long old windows, and throwing ghastly chequers upon the + floors; and the stars were looking in on the other side, in the blue of + the yawning window over the great stair: from it you could see the old + stable-clock, with the letters glistening on it still. There had been + jolly horses in those stables once; and I could see my uncle’s honest + face, and hear him talking to his dogs as they came jumping and whining + and barking round about him of a gay winter morning. We used to mount + there; and the girls looked out at us from the hall-window, where I stood + and looked at the sad, mouldy, lonely old place. There was a red light + shining through the crevices of a door at one corner of the building, and + a dog presently came out baying loudly, and a limping man followed with a + fowling-piece. + </p> + <p> + ‘Who’s there?’ said the old man. + </p> + <p> + ‘PHIL PURCELL, don’t you know me?’ shouted I; ‘it’s Redmond Barry.’ + </p> + <p> + I thought the old man would have fired his piece at me at first, for he + pointed it at the window; but I called to him to hold his hand, and came + down and embraced him.... Psha! I don’t care to tell the rest: Phil and I + had a long night, and talked over a thousand foolish old things that have + no interest for any soul alive now: for what soul is there alive that + cares for Barry Lyndon? + </p> + <p> + I settled a hundred guineas on the old man when I got to Dublin, and made + him an annuity which enabled him to pass his old days in comfort. + </p> + <p> + Poor Phil Purcell was amusing himself at a game of exceedingly dirty cards + with an old acquaintance of mine; no other than Tim, who was called my + ‘valet’ in the days of yore, and whom the reader may remember as clad in + my father’s old liveries. They used to hang about him in those times, and + lap over his wrists and down to his heels; but Tim, though he protested he + had nigh killed himself with grief when I went away, had managed to grow + enormously fat in my absence, and would have fitted almost into Daniel + Lambert’s coat, or that of the vicar of Castle Brady, whom he served in + the capacity of clerk. I would have engaged the fellow in my service but + for his monstrous size, which rendered him quite unfit to be the attendant + of any gentleman of condition; and so I presented him with a handsome + gratuity, and promised to stand godfather to his next child: the eleventh + since my absence. There is no country in the world where the work of + multiplying is carried on so prosperously as in my native island. Mr. Tim + had married the girls’ waiting-maid, who had been a kind friend of mine in + the early times; and I had to go salute poor Molly next day, and found her + a slatternly wench in a mud hut, surrounded by a brood of children almost + as ragged as those of my friend the blacksmith. + </p> + <p> + From Tim and Phil Purcell, thus met fortuitously together, I got the very + last news respecting my family. My mother was well. + </p> + <p> + ‘’Faith sir,’ says Tim, ‘and you’re come in time, mayhap, for preventing + an addition to your family.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Sir!’ exclaimed I, in a fit of indignation. + </p> + <p> + ‘In the shape of father-in-law, I mane, sir,’ says Tim: ‘the misthress is + going to take on with Mister Jowls the praacher.’ + </p> + <p> + Poor Nora, he added, had made many additions to the illustrious race of + Quin; and my cousin Ulick was in Dublin, coming to little good, both my + informants feared, and having managed to run through the small available + remains of property which my good old uncle had left behind him. + </p> + <p> + I saw I should have no small family to provide for; and then, to conclude + the evening, Phil, Tim, and I, had a bottle of usquebaugh, the taste of + which I had remembered for eleven good years, and did not part except with + the warmest terms of fellowship, and until the sun had been some time in + the sky. I am exceedingly affable; that has always been one of my + characteristics. I have no false pride, as many men of high lineage like + my own have, and, in default of better company, will hob and nob with a + ploughboy or a private soldier just as readily as with the first noble in + the land. + </p> + <p> + I went back to the village in the morning, and found a pretext for + visiting Barryville under a device of purchasing drugs. The hooks were + still in the wall where my silver-hiked sword used to hang; a blister was + lying on the window-sill, where my mother’s ‘Whole Duty of Man’ had its + place; and the odious Doctor Macshane had found out who I was (my + countrymen find out everything, and a great deal more besides), and + sniggering, asked me how I left the King of Prussia, and whether my friend + the Emperor Joseph was as much liked as the Empress Maria Theresa had + been. The bell-ringers would have had a ring of bells for me, but there + was but one, Tim, who was too fat to pull; and I rode off before the + vicar, Doctor Bolter (who had succeeded old Mr. Texter, who had the living + in my time), had time to come out to compliment me; but the rapscallions + of the beggarly village had assembled in a dirty army to welcome me, and + cheered ‘Hurrah for Masther Redmond!’ as I rode away. + </p> + <p> + My people were not a little anxious regarding me, by the time I returned + to Carlow, and the landlord was very much afraid, he said, that the + highwaymen had gotten hold of me. There, too, my name and station had been + learned from my servant Fritz: who had not spared his praises of his + master, and had invented some magnificent histories concerning me. He said + it was the truth that I was intimate with half the sovereigns of Europe, + and the prime favourite with most of them. Indeed I had made my uncle’s + order of the Spur hereditary, and travelled under the name of the + Chevalier Barry, chamberlain to the Duke of Hohenzollern-Sigmaringen. + </p> + <p> + They gave me the best horses the stable possessed to carry me on my road + to Dublin, and the strongest ropes for harness; and we got on pretty well, + and there was no rencontre between the highwaymen and the pistols with + which Fritz and I were provided. We lay that night at Kilcullen, and the + next day I made my entry into the city of Dublin, with four horses to my + carriage, five thousand guineas in my purse, and one of the most brilliant + reputations in Europe, having quitted the city a beggarly boy, eleven + years before. + </p> + <p> + The citizens of Dublin have as great and laudable a desire for knowing + their neighbours’ concerns as the country people have; and it is + impossible for a gentleman, however modest his desires may be (and such + mine have notoriously been through life), to enter the capital without + having his name printed in every newspaper and mentioned in a number of + societies. My name and titles were all over the town the day after my + arrival. A great number of polite persons did me the honour to call at my + lodgings, when I selected them; and this was a point very necessarily of + immediate care, for the hotels in the town were but vulgar holes, unfit + for a nobleman of my fashion and elegance. I had been informed of the fact + by travellers on the Continent; and determining to fix on a lodging at + once, I bade the drivers go slowly up and down the streets with my + chariot, until I had selected a place suitable to my rank. This + proceeding, and the uncouth questions and behaviour of my German Fritz, + who was instructed to make inquiries at the different houses until + convenient apartments could be lighted upon, brought an immense mob round + my coach; and by the time the rooms were chosen you might have supposed I + was the new General of the Forces, so great was the multitude following + us. + </p> + <p> + I fixed at length upon a handsome suite of apartments in Capel Street, + paid the ragged postilions who had driven me a splendid gratuity, and + establishing myself in the rooms with my baggage and Fritz, desired the + landlord to engage me a second fellow to wear my liveries, a couple of + stout reputable chairmen and their machine, and a coachman who had + handsome job-horses to hire for my chariot, and serviceable riding-horses + to sell. I gave him a handsome sum in advance; and I promise you the + effect of my advertisement was such, that next day I had a regular levee + in my antechamber: grooms, valets, and maitres-d’hotel offered themselves + without number; I had proposals for the purchase of horses sufficient to + mount a regiment, both from dealers and gentlemen of the first fashion. + Sir Lawler Gawler came to propose to me the most elegant bay-mare ever + stepped; my Lord Dundoodle had a team of four that wouldn’t disgrace my + friend the Emperor; and the Marquess of Ballyragget sent his gentleman and + his compliments, stating that if I would step up to his stables, or do him + the honour of breakfasting with him previously, he would show me the two + finest greys in Europe. I determined to accept the invitations of + Dundoodle and Ballyragget, but to purchase my horses from the dealers. It + is always the best way. Besides, in those days, in Ireland, if a gentleman + warranted his horse, and it was not sound, or a dispute arose, the remedy + you had was the offer of a bullet in your waistcoat. I had played at the + bullet game too much in earnest to make use of it heedlessly: and I may + say, proudly for myself, that I never engaged in a duel unless I had a + real, available, and prudent reason for it. + </p> + <p> + There was a simplicity about this Irish gentry which amused and made me + wonder. If they tell more fibs than their downright neighbours across the + water, on the other hand they believe more; and I made myself in a single + week such a reputation in Dublin as would take a man ten years and a mint + of money to acquire in London. I had won five hundred thousand pounds at + play; I was the favourite of the Empress Catherine of Russia; the + confidential agent of Frederick of Prussia; it was I won the battle of + Hochkirchen; I was the cousin of Madame Du Barry, the French King’s + favourite, and a thousand things beside. Indeed, to tell the truth, I + hinted a number of these stories to my kind friends Ballyragget and + Gawler; and they were not slow to improve the hints I gave them. + </p> + <p> + After having witnessed the splendours of civilised life abroad, the sight + of Dublin in the year 1771, when I returned thither, struck me with + anything but respect. It was as savage as Warsaw almost, without the regal + grandeur of the latter city. The people looked more ragged than any race I + have ever seen, except the gipsy hordes along the banks of the Danube. + There was, as I have said, not an inn in the town fit for a gentleman of + condition to dwell in. Those luckless fellows who could not keep a + carriage, and walked the streets at night, ran imminent risks of the + knives of the women and ruffians who lay in wait there,—of a set of + ragged savage villains, who neither knew the use of shoe nor razor; and as + a gentleman entered his chair or his chariot, to be carried to his evening + rout, or the play, the flambeaux of the footmen would light up such a set + of wild gibbering Milesian faces as would frighten a genteel person of + average nerves. I was luckily endowed with strong ones; besides, had seen + my amiable countrymen before. + </p> + <p> + I know this description of them will excite anger among some Irish + patriots, who don’t like to have the nakedness of our land abused, and are + angry if the whole truth be told concerning it. But bah! it was a poor + provincial place, Dublin, in the old days of which I speak; and many a + tenth-rate German residency is more genteel. There were, it is true, near + three hundred resident Peers at the period; and a House of Commons; and my + Lord Mayor and his corporation; and a roystering noisy University, whereof + the students made no small disturbances nightly, patronised the + roundhouse, ducked obnoxious printers and tradesmen, and gave the law at + the Crow Street Theatre. But I had seen too much of the first society of + Europe to be much tempted by the society of these noisy gentry, and was a + little too much of a gentleman to mingle with the disputes and politics of + my Lord Mayor and his Aldermen. In the House of Commons there were some + dozen of right pleasant fellows. I never heard in the English Parliament + better speeches than from Flood, and Daly, of Galway. Dick Sheridan, + though not a well-bred person, was as amusing and ingenious a + table-companion as ever I met; and though during Mr. Edmund Burke’s + interminable speeches in the English House I used always to go to sleep, I + yet have heard from well-informed parties that Mr. Burke was a person of + considerable abilities, and even reputed to be eloquent in his more + favourable moments. + </p> + <p> + I soon began to enjoy to the full extent the pleasures that the wretched + place affords, and which were within a gentleman’s reach: Ranelagh and the + Ridotto; Mr. Mossop, at Crow Street; my Lord Lieutenant’s parties, where + there was a great deal too much boozing, and too little play, to suit a + person of my elegant and refined habits. ‘Daly’s Coffee-house,’ and the + houses of the nobility, were soon open to me; and I remarked with + astonishment in the higher circles, what I had experienced in the lower on + my first unhappy visit to Dublin, an extraordinary want of money, and a + preposterous deal of promissory notes flying about, for which I was quite + unwilling to stake my guineas. The ladies, too, were mad for play; but + exceeding unwilling to pay when they lost. Thus, when the old Countess of + Trumpington lost ten pieces to me at quadrille, she gave me, instead of + the money, her Ladyship’s note of hand on her agent in Galway; which I + put, with a great deal of politeness, into the candle. But when the + Countess made me a second proposition to play, I said that as soon as her + Ladyship’s remittances were arrived, I would be the readiest person to + meet her; but till then was her very humble servant. And I maintained this + resolution and singular character throughout the Dublin society: giving + out at ‘Daly’s’ that I was ready to play any man, for any sum, at any + game; or to fence with him, or to ride with him (regard being had to our + weight), or to shoot flying, or at a mark; and in this latter + accomplishment, especially if the mark be a live one, Irish gentlemen of + that day had no ordinary skill. + </p> + <p> + Of course I despatched a courier in my liveries to Castle Lyndon with a + private letter for Runt, demanding from him full particulars of the + Countess of Lyndon’s state of health and mind; and a touching and eloquent + letter to her Ladyship, in which I bade her remember ancient days, which I + tied up with a single hair from the lock which I had purchased from her + woman, and in which I told her that Sylvander remembered his oath, and + could never forget his Calista. The answer I received from her was + exceedingly unsatisfactory and inexplicit; that from Mr. Runt explicit + enough, but not at all pleasant in its contents. My Lord George Poynings, + the Marquess of Tiptoff’s younger son, was paying very marked addresses to + the widow; being a kinsman of the family, and having been called to + Ireland relative to the will of the deceased Sir Charles Lyndon. + </p> + <p> + Now, there was a sort of rough-and-ready law in Ireland in those days, + which was of great convenience to persons desirous of expeditious justice; + and of which the newspapers of the time contain a hundred proofs. Fellows + with the nicknames of Captain Fireball, Lieutenant Buffcoat, and Ensign + Steele, were repeatedly sending warning letters to landlords, and + murdering them if the notes were unattended to. The celebrated Captain + Thunder ruled in the southern counties, and his business seemed to be to + procure wives for gentlemen who had not sufficient means to please the + parents of the young ladies; or, perhaps, had not time for a long and + intricate courtship. + </p> + <p> + I had found my cousin Ulick at Dublin, grown very fat, and very poor; + hunted up by Jews and creditors: dwelling in all sorts of queer corners, + from which he issued at nightfall to the Castle, or to his card-party at + his tavern; but he was always the courageous fellow: and I hinted to him + the state of my affections regarding Lady Lyndon. + </p> + <p> + ‘The Countess of Lyndon!’ said poor Ulick; ‘well, that IS a wonder. I + myself have been mightily sweet upon a young lady, one of the Kiljoys of + Ballyhack, who has ten thousand pounds to her fortune, and to whom her + Ladyship is guardian; but how is a poor fellow without a coat to his back + to get on with an heiress in such company as that? I might as well propose + for the Countess myself.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘You had better not,’ said I, laughing; ‘the man who tries runs a chance + of going out of the world first.’ And I explained to him my own intention + regarding Lady Lyndon. Honest Ulick, whose respect for me was prodigious + when he saw how splendid my appearance was, and heard how wonderful my + adventures and great my experience of fashionable life had been, was lost + in admiration of my daring and energy, when I confided to him my intention + of marrying the greatest heiress in England. + </p> + <p> + I bade Ulick go out of town on any pretext he chose, and put a letter into + a post-office near Castle Lyndon, which I prepared in a feigned hand, and + in which I gave a solemn warning to Lord George Poynings to quit the + country; saying that the great prize was never meant for the likes of him, + and that there were heiresses enough in England, without coming to rob + them out of the domains of Captain Fireball. The letter was written on a + dirty piece of paper, in the worst of spelling: it came to my Lord by the + post-conveyance, and, being a high-spirited young man, he of course + laughed at it. + </p> + <p> + As ill-luck would have it for him, he appeared in Dublin a very short time + afterwards; was introduced to the Chevalier Redmond Barry, at the Lord + Lieutenant’s table; adjourned with him and several other gentlemen to the + club at ‘Daly’s,’ and there, in a dispute about the pedigree of a horse, + in which everybody said I was in the right, words arose, and a meeting was + the consequence. I had had no affair in Dublin since my arrival, and + people were anxious to see whether I was equal to my reputation. I make no + boast about these matters, but always do them when the time comes; and + poor Lord George, who had a neat hand and a quick eye enough, but was bred + in the clumsy English school, only stood before my point until I had + determined where I should hit him. + </p> + <p> + My sword went in under his guard, and came out at his back. When he fell, + he good-naturedly extended his hand to me, and said, ‘Mr. Barry, I was + wrong!’ I felt not very well at ease when the poor fellow made this + confession: for the dispute had been of my making, and, to tell the truth, + I had never intended it should end in any other way than a meeting. + </p> + <p> + He lay on his bed for four months with the effects of that wound; and the + same post which conveyed to Lady Lyndon the news of the duel, carried her + a message from Captain Fireball to say, ‘This is NUMBER ONE!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘You, Ulick,’ said I, ‘shall be NUMBER TWO.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘’Faith,’ said my cousin, ‘one’s enough:’ But I had my plan regarding him, + and determined at once to benefit this honest fellow, and to forward my + own designs upon the widow. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0015" id="link2HCH0015"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XV. I PAY COURT TO MY LADY LYNDON + </h2> + <p> + As my uncle’s attainder was not reversed for being out with the Pretender + in 1745, it would have been inconvenient for him to accompany his nephew + to the land of our ancestors; where, if not hanging, at least a tedious + process of imprisonment, and a doubtful pardon, would have awaited the + good old gentleman. In any important crisis of my life, his advice was + always of advantage to me, and I did not fail to seek it at this juncture, + and to implore his counsel as regarded my pursuit of the widow. I told him + the situation of her heart, as I have described it in the last chapter; of + the progress that young Poynings had made in her affections, and of her + forgetfulness of her old admirer; and I got a letter, in reply, full of + excellent suggestions, by which I did not fail to profit. The kind + Chevalier prefaced it by saying, that he was for the present boarding in + the Minorite convent at Brussels; that he had thoughts of making his salut + there, and retiring for ever from the world, devoting himself to the + severest practices of religion. Meanwhile he wrote with regard to the + lovely widow: it was natural that a person of her vast wealth and not + disagreeable person should have many adorers about her; and that, as in + her husband’s lifetime she had shown herself not at all disinclined to + receive my addresses, I must make no manner of doubt I was not the first + person whom she had so favoured; nor was I likely to be the last. + </p> + <p> + ‘I would, my dear child,’ he added, ‘that the ugly attainder round my + neck, and the resolution I have formed of retiring from a world of sin and + vanity altogether, did not prevent me from coming personally to your aid + in this delicate crisis of your affairs; for, to lead them to a good end, + it requires not only the indomitable courage, swagger, and audacity, which + you possess beyond any young man I have ever known’ (as for the ‘swagger,’ + as the Chevalier calls it, I deny it in toto, being always most modest in + my demeanour); ‘but though you have the vigour to execute, you have not + the ingenuity to suggest plans of conduct for the following out of a + scheme that is likely to be long and difficult of execution. Would you + have ever thought of the brilliant scheme of the Countess Ida, which so + nearly made you the greatest fortune in Europe, but for the advice and + experience of a poor old man, now making up his accounts with the world, + and about to retire from it for good and all? + </p> + <p> + ‘Well, with regard to the Countess of Lyndon, your manner of winning her + is quite en l’air at present to me; nor can I advise day by day, as I + would I could, according to circumstances as they arise. But your general + scheme should be this. If I remember the letters you used to have from her + during the period of the correspondence which the silly woman entertained + you with, much high-flown sentiment passed between you; and especially was + written by her Ladyship herself: she is a blue-stocking, and fond of + writing; she used to make her griefs with her husband the continual theme + of her correspondence (as women will do). I recollect several passages in + her letters bitterly deploring her fate in being united to one so unworthy + of her. + </p> + <p> + ‘Surely, in the mass of billets you possess from her, there must be enough + to compromise her. Look them well over; select passages, and threaten to + do so. Write to her at first in the undoubting tone of a lover who has + every claim upon her. Then, if she is silent, remonstrate, alluding to + former promises from her; producing proofs of her former regard for you; + vowing despair, destruction, revenge, if she prove unfaithful. Frighten + her—astonish her by some daring feat, which will let her see your + indomitable resolution: you are the man to do it. Your sword has a + reputation in Europe, and you have a character for boldness; which was the + first thing that caused my Lady Lyndon to turn her eyes upon you. Make the + people talk about you at Dublin. Be as splendid, and as brave, and as odd + as possible. How I wish I were near you! You have no imagination to invent + such a character as I would make for you—but why speak; have I not + had enough of the world and its vanities?’ + </p> + <p> + There was much practical good sense in this advice; which I quote, + unaccompanied with the lengthened description of his mortifications and + devotions which my uncle indulged in, finishing his letter, as usual, with + earnest prayers for my conversion to the true faith. But he was constant + to his form of worship; and I, as a man of honour and principle, was + resolute to mine; and have no doubt that the one, in this respect, will be + as acceptable as the other. + </p> + <p> + Under these directions it was, then, I wrote to Lady Lyndon, to ask on my + arrival when the most respectful of her admirers might be permitted to + intrude upon her grief? Then, as her Ladyship was silent, I demanded, Had + she forgotten old times, and one whom she had favoured with her intimacy + at a very happy period? Had Calista forgotten Eugenio? At the same time I + sent down by my servant with this letter a present of a little sword for + Lord Bullingdon, and a private note to his governor; whose note of hand, + by the way, I possessed for a sum—I forget what—but such as + the poor fellow would have been very unwilling to pay. To this an answer + came from her Ladyship’s amanuensis, stating that Lady Lyndon was too much + disturbed by grief at her recent dreadful calamity to see any one but her + own relations; and advices from my friend, the boy’s governor, stating + that my Lord George Poynings was the young kinsman who was about to + console her. + </p> + <p> + This caused the quarrel between me and the young nobleman; whom I took + care to challenge on his first arrival at Dublin. + </p> + <p> + When the news of the duel was brought to the widow at Castle Lyndon, my + informant wrote me that Lady Lyndon shrieked and flung down the journal, + and said, ‘The horrible monster! He would not shrink from murder, I + believe;’ and little Lord Bullingdon, drawing his sword—the sword I + had given him, the rascal!—declared he would kill with it the man + who had hurt Cousin George. On Mr. Runt telling him that I was the donor + of the weapon, the little rogue still vowed that he would kill me all the + same! Indeed, in spite of my kindness to him, that boy always seemed to + detest me. + </p> + <p> + Her Ladyship sent up daily couriers to inquire after the health of Lord + George; and, thinking to myself that she would probably be induced to come + to Dublin if she were to hear that he was in danger, I managed to have her + informed that he was in a precarious state; that he grew worse; that + Redmond Barry had fled in consequence: of this flight I caused the Mercury + newspaper to give notice also, but indeed it did not carry me beyond the + town of Bray, where my poor mother dwelt; and where, under the + difficulties of a duel, I might be sure of having a welcome. + </p> + <p> + Those readers who have the sentiment of filial duty strong in their mind, + will wonder that I have not yet described my interview with that kind + mother whose sacrifices for me in youth had been so considerable, and for + whom a man of my warm and affectionate nature could not but feel the most + enduring and sincere regard. + </p> + <p> + But a man, moving in the exalted sphere of society in which I now stood, + has his public duties to perform before he consults his private + affections; and so, upon my first arrival, I despatched a messenger to + Mrs. Barry, stating my arrival, conveying to her my sentiments of respect + and duty, and promising to pay them to her personally so soon as my + business in Dublin would leave me free. + </p> + <p> + This, I need not say, was very considerable. I had my horses to buy, my + establishment to arrange, my entree into the genteel world to make; and, + having announced my intention to purchase horses and live in a genteel + style, was in a couple of days so pestered by visits of the nobility and + gentry, and so hampered by invitations to dinners and suppers, that it + became exceedingly difficult for me during some days to manage my + anxiously desired visit to Mrs. Barry. + </p> + <p> + It appears that the good soul provided an entertainment as soon as she + heard of my arrival, and invited all her humble acquaintances of Bray to + be present: but I was engaged subsequently to my Lord Ballyragget on the + day appointed, and was, of course, obliged to break the promise that I had + made to Mrs. Barry to attend her humble festival. + </p> + <p> + I endeavoured to sweeten the disappointment by sending my mother a + handsome satin sack and velvet robe, which I purchased for her at the best + mercers in Dublin (and indeed told her I had brought from Paris expressly + for her); but the messenger whom I despatched with the presents brought + back the parcels, with the piece of satin torn half way up the middle: and + I did not need his descriptions to be aware that something had offended + the good lady; who came out, he said, and abused him at the door, and + would have boxed his cars, but that she was restrained by a gentleman in + black; who I concluded, with justice, was her clerical friend Mr. Jowls. + </p> + <p> + This reception of my presents made me rather dread than hope for an + interview with Mrs. Barry, and delayed my visit to her for some days + further. I wrote her a dutiful and soothing letter, to which there was no + answer returned; although I mentioned that on my way to the capital I had + been at Barryville, and revisited the old haunts of my youth. + </p> + <p> + I don’t care to own that she is the only human being whom I am afraid to + face. I can recollect her fits of anger as a child, and the + reconciliations, which used to be still more violent and painful: and so, + instead of going myself, I sent my factotum, Ulick Brady, to her; who rode + back, saying that he had met with a reception he would not again undergo + for twenty guineas; that he had been dismissed the house, with strict + injunctions to inform me that my mother disowned me for ever. This + parental anathema, as it were, affected me much, for I was always the most + dutiful of sons; and I determined to go as soon as possible, and brave + what I knew must be an inevitable scene of reproach and anger, for the + sake, as I hoped, of as certain a reconciliation. + </p> + <p> + I had been giving one night an entertainment to some of the genteelest + company in Dublin, and was showing my Lord Marquess downstairs with a pair + of wax tapers, when I found a woman in a grey coat seated at my doorsteps: + to whom, taking her for a beggar, I tendered a piece of money, and whom my + noble friends, who were rather hot with wine, began to joke, as my door + closed and I bade them all good-night. + </p> + <p> + I was rather surprised and affected to find afterwards that the hooded + woman was no other than my mother; whose pride had made her vow that she + would not enter my doors, but whose natural maternal yearnings had made + her long to see her son’s face once again, and who had thus planted + herself in disguise at my gate. Indeed, I have found in my experience that + these are the only women who never deceive a man, and whose affection + remains constant through all trials. Think of the hours that the kind soul + must have passed, lonely in the street, listening to the din and merriment + within my apartments, the clinking of the glasses, the laughing, the + choruses, and the cheering. + </p> + <p> + When my affair with Lord George happened, and it became necessary to me, + for the reasons I have stated, to be out of the way; now, thought I, is + the time to make my peace with my good mother: she will never refuse me an + asylum now that I seem in distress. So sending to her a notice that I was + coming, that I had had a duel which had brought me into trouble, and + required I should go into hiding, I followed my messenger half-an-hour + afterwards: and, I warrant me, there was no want of a good reception, for + presently, being introduced into an empty room by the barefooted maid who + waited upon Mrs. Barry, the door was opened, and the poor mother flung + herself into my arms with a scream, and with transports of joy which I + shall not attempt to describe—they are but to be comprehended by + women who have held in their arms an only child after a twelve years’ + absence from him. + </p> + <p> + The Reverend Mr. Jowls, my mother’s director, was the only person to whom + the door of her habitation was opened during my sojourn; and he would take + no denial. He mixed for himself a glass of rum-punch, which he seemed in + the habit of drinking at my good mother’s charge, groaned aloud, and + forthwith began reading me a lecture upon the sinfulness of my past + courses, and especially of the last horrible action I had been committing. + </p> + <p> + ‘Sinful!’ said my mother, bristling up when her son was attacked; ‘sure + we’re all sinners; and it’s you, Mr. Jowls, who have given me the + inexpressible blessing to let me know THAT. But how else would you have + had the poor child behave?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I would have had the gentleman avoid the drink, and the quarrel, and this + wicked duel altogether,’ answered the clergyman. + </p> + <p> + But my mother cut him short, by saying such sort of conduct might be very + well in a person of his cloth and his birth, but it neither became a Brady + nor a Barry. In fact, she was quite delighted with the thought that I had + pinked an English marquis’s son in a duel; and so, to console her, I told + her of a score more in which I had been engaged, and of some of which I + have already informed the reader. + </p> + <p> + As my late antagonist was in no sort of danger when I spread that report + of his perilous situation, there was no particular call that my hiding + should be very close. But the widow did not know the fact as well as I + did: and caused her house to be barricaded, and Becky, her barefooted + serving-wench, to be a perpetual sentinel to give alarm, lest the officers + should be in search of me. + </p> + <p> + The only person I expected, however, was my cousin Ulick, who was to bring + me the welcome intelligence of Lady Lyndon’s arrival; and I own, after two + days’ close confinement at Bray, in which I narrated all the adventures of + my life to my mother, and succeeded in making her accept the dresses she + had formerly refused, and a considerable addition to her income which I + was glad to make, I was very glad when I saw that reprobate Ulick Brady, + as my mother called him, ride up to the door in my carriage with the + welcome intelligence for my mother, that the young lord was out of danger; + and for me, that the Countess of Lyndon had arrived in Dublin. + </p> + <p> + ‘And I wish, Redmond, that the young gentleman had been in danger a little + longer,’ said the widow, her eyes filling with tears, ‘and you’d have + stayed so much the more with your poor old mother.’ But I dried her tears, + embracing her warmly, and promised to see her often; and hinted I would + have, mayhap, a house of my own and a noble daughter to welcome her. + </p> + <p> + ‘Who is she, Redmond dear?’ said the old lady. + </p> + <p> + ‘One of the noblest and richest women in the empire, mother,’ answered I. + ‘No mere Brady this time,’ I added, laughing: with which hopes I left Mrs. + Barry in the best of tempers. + </p> + <p> + No man can bear less malice than I do; and, when I have once carried my + point, I am one of the most placable creatures in the world. I was a week + in Dublin before I thought it necessary to quit that capital. I had become + quite reconciled to my rival in that time; made a point of calling at his + lodgings, and speedily became an intimate consoler of his bed-side. He had + a gentleman to whom I did not neglect to be civil, and towards whom I + ordered my people to be particular in their attentions; for I was + naturally anxious to learn what my Lord George’s position with the lady of + Castle Lyndon had really been, whether other suitors were about the widow, + and how she would bear the news of his wound. + </p> + <p> + The young nobleman himself enlightened me somewhat upon the subjects I was + most desirous to inquire into. + </p> + <p> + ‘Chevalier,’ said he to me one morning when I went to pay him my + compliments, ‘I find you are an old acquaintance with my kinswoman, the + Countess of Lyndon. She writes me a page of abuse of you in a letter here; + and the strange part of the story is this, that one day when there was + talk about you at Castle Lyndon, and the splendid equipage you were + exhibiting in Dublin, the fair widow vowed and protested she never had + heard of you. + </p> + <p> + ‘“Oh yes, mamma,” said the little Bullingdon, “the tall dark man at Spa + with the cast in his eye, who used to make my governor tipsy and sent me + the sword: his name is Mr. Barry.” + </p> + <p> + ‘But my Lady ordered the boy out of the room, and persisted in knowing + nothing about you.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘And are you a kinsman and acquaintance of my Lady Lyndon, my Lord?’ said + I, in a tone of grave surprise. + </p> + <p> + ‘Yes, indeed,’ answered the young gentleman. ‘I left her house but to get + this ugly wound from you. And it came at a most unlucky time too.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Why more unlucky now than at another moment?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Why, look you, Chevalier, I think the widow was not unpartial to me. I + think I might have induced her to make our connection a little closer: and + faith, though she is older than I am, she is the richest party now in + England.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘My Lord George,’ said I, ‘will you let me ask you a frank but an odd + question?—will you show me her letters?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Indeed I’ll do no such thing,’ replied he, in a rage. + </p> + <p> + ‘Nay, don’t be angry. If <i>I</i> show you letters of Lady Lyndon’s to me, + will you let me see hers to you?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘What, in Heaven’s name, do you mean, Mr. Barry?’ said the young + gentleman. + </p> + <p> + ‘<i>I</i> mean that I passionately loved Lady Lyndon. I mean that I am a—that + I rather was not indifferent to her. I mean that I love her to distraction + at this present moment, and will die myself, or kill the man who possesses + her before me.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘YOU marry the greatest heiress and the noblest blood in England?’ said + Lord George haughtily. + </p> + <p> + ‘There’s no nobler blood in Europe than mine,’ answered I: ‘and I tell you + I don’t know whether to hope or not. But this I know, that there were days + in which, poor as I am, the great heiress did not disdain to look down + upon my poverty: and that any man who marries her passes over my dead body + to do it. It’s lucky for you,’ I added gloomily, ‘that on the occasion of + my engagement with you, I did not know what were your views regarding my + Lady Lyndon. My poor boy, you are a lad of courage and I love you. Mine is + the first sword in Europe, and you would have been lying in a narrower bed + than that you now occupy.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Boy!’ said Lord George: ‘I am not four years younger than you are.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘You are forty years younger than I am in experience. I have passed + through every grade of life. With my own skill and daring I have made my + own fortune. I have been in fourteen pitched battles as a private soldier, + and have been twenty-three times on the ground, and never was touched but + once; and that was by the sword of a French maitre-d’armes, Whom I killed. + I started in life at seventeen, a beggar, and am now at seven-and-twenty, + with twenty thousand guineas. Do you suppose a man of my courage and + energy can’t attain anything that he dares, and that having claims upon + the widow, I will not press them?’ + </p> + <p> + This speech was not exactly true to the letter (for I had multiplied my + pitched battles, my duels, and my wealth somewhat); but I saw that it made + the impression I desired to effect upon the young gentleman’s mind, who + listened to my statement with peculiar seriousness, and whom I presently + left to digest it. + </p> + <p> + A couple of days afterwards I called to see him again, when I brought with + me some of the letters that had passed between me and my Lady Lyndon. + ‘Here,’ said I, ‘look—I show it you in confidence—it is a lock + of her Ladyship’s hair; here are her letters signed Calista, and addressed + to Eugenio. Here is a poem, “When Sol bedecks the mead with light, And + pallid Cynthia sheds her ray,” addressed by her Ladyship to your humble + servant.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Calista! Eugenio! Sol bedecks the mead with light?’ cried the young lord. + ‘Am I dreaming? Why, my dear Barry, the widow has sent me the very poem + herself! “Rejoicing in the sunshine bright, Or musing in the evening + grey.”’ + </p> + <p> + I could not help laughing as he made the quotation. They were, in fact, + the very words MY Calista had addressed to me. And we found, upon + comparing letters, that whole passages of eloquence figured in the one + correspondence which appeared in the other. See what it is to be a + blue-stocking and have a love of letter-writing! + </p> + <p> + The young man put down the papers in great perturbation. ‘Well, thank + Heaven!’ said he, after a pause of some duration,—‘thank Heaven for + a good riddance! Ah, Mr. Barry, what a woman I MIGHT have married had + these lucky papers not come in my way! I thought my Lady Lyndon had a + heart, sir, I must confess, though not a very warm one; and that, at + least, one could TRUST her. But marry her now! I would as lief send my + servant into the street to get me a wife, as put up with such an Ephesian + matron as that.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘My Lord George,’ said I, ‘you little know the world. Remember what a bad + husband Lady Lyndon had, and don’t be astonished that she, on her side, + should be indifferent. Nor has she, I will dare to wager, ever passed + beyond the bounds of harmless gallantry, or sinned beyond the composing of + a sonnet or a billet-doux.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘My wife,’ said the little lord, ‘shall write no sonnets or billets-doux; + and I’m heartily glad to think I have obtained, in good time, a knowledge + of the heartless vixen with whom I thought myself for a moment in love.’ + </p> + <p> + The wounded young nobleman was either, as I have said, very young and + green in matters of the world—for to suppose that a man would give + up forty thousand a year, because, forsooth, the lady connected with it + had written a few sentimental letters to a young fellow, is too absurd—or, + as I am inclined to believe, he was glad of an excuse to quit the field + altogether, being by no means anxious to meet the victorious sword of + Redmond Barry a second time. + </p> + <p> + When the idea of Poynings’ danger, or the reproaches probably addressed by + him to the widow regarding myself, had brought this exceedingly weak and + feeble woman up to Dublin, as I expected, and my worthy Ulick had informed + me of her arrival, I quitted my good mother, who was quite reconciled to + me (indeed the duel had done that), and found the disconsolate Calista was + in the habit of paying visits to the wounded swain; much to the annoyance, + the servants told me, of that gentleman. The English are often absurdly + high and haughty upon a point of punctilio; and, after his kinswoman’s + conduct, Lord Poynings swore he would have no more to do with her. + </p> + <p> + I had this information from his Lordship’s gentleman; with whom, as I have + said, I took particular care to be friends; nor was I denied admission by + his porter, when I chose to call, as before. + </p> + <p> + Her Ladyship had most likely bribed that person, as I had; for she had + found her way up, though denied admission; and, in fact, I had watched her + from her own house to Lord George Poynings’ lodgings, and seen her descend + from her chair there and enter, before I myself followed her. I proposed + to await her quietly in the ante-room, to make a scene there, and reproach + her with infidelity, if necessary; but matters were, as it happened, + arranged much more conveniently for me; and walking, unannounced, into the + outer room of his Lordship’s apartments, I had the felicity of hearing in + the next chamber, of which the door was partially open, the voice of my + Calista. She was in full cry, appealing to the poor patient, as he lay + confined in his bed, and speaking in the most passionate manner. ‘What can + lead you, George,’ she said, ‘to doubt of my faith? How can you break my + heart by casting me off in this monstrous manner? Do you wish to drive + your poor Calista to the grave? Well, well, I shall join there the dear + departed angel.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Who entered it three months since,’ said Lord George, with a sneer. ‘It’s + a wonder you have survived so long.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Don’t treat your poor Calista in this cruel cruel manner, Antonio!’ cried + the widow. + </p> + <p> + ‘Bah!’ said Lord George, ‘my wound is bad. My doctors forbid me much talk. + Suppose your Antonio tired, my dear. Can’t you console yourself with + somebody else?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Heavens, Lord George! Antonio!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Console yourself with Eugenio,’ said the young nobleman bitterly, and + began ringing his bell; on which his valet, who was in an inner room, came + out, and he bade him show her Ladyship downstairs. + </p> + <p> + Lady Lyndon issued from the room in the greatest flurry. She was dressed + in deep weeds, with a veil over her face, and did not recognise the person + waiting in the outer apartment. As she went down the stairs, I stepped + lightly after her, and as her chairman opened her door, sprang forward, + and took her hand to place her in the vehicle. ‘Dearest widow,’ said I, + ‘his Lordship spoke correctly. Console yourself with Eugenio!’ She was too + frightened even to scream, as her chairman carried her away. She was set + down at her house, and you may be sure that I was at the chair-door, as + before, to help her out. + </p> + <p> + ‘Monstrous man!’ said she, ‘I desire you to leave me.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Madam, it would be against my oath,’ replied I; ‘recollect the vow + Eugenio sent to Calista.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘If you do not quit me, I will call for the domestics to turn you from the + door.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘What! when I am come with my Calista’s letters in my pocket, to return + them mayhap? You can soothe, madam, but you cannot frighten Redmond + Barry.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘What is it you would have of me, sir?’ said the widow, rather agitated. + </p> + <p> + ‘Let me come upstairs, and I will tell you all,’ I replied; and she + condescended to give me her hand, and to permit me to lead her from her + chair to her drawing-room. + </p> + <p> + When we were alone I opened my mind honourably to her. + </p> + <p> + ‘Dearest madam,’ said I, ‘do not let your cruelty drive a desperate slave + to fatal measures. I adore you. In former days you allowed me to whisper + my passion to you unrestrained; at present you drive me from your door, + leave my letters unanswered, and prefer another to me. My flesh and blood + cannot bear such treatment. Look upon the punishment I have been obliged + to inflict; tremble at that which I may be compelled to administer to that + unfortunate young man: so sure as he marries you, madam, he dies.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I do not recognise,’ said the widow, ‘the least right you have to give + the law to the Countess of Lyndon: I do not in the least understand your + threats, or heed them. What has passed between me and an Irish adventurer + that should authorise this impertinent intrusion?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘THESE have passed, madam,’ said I,—‘Calista’s letters to Eugenio. + They may have been very innocent; but will the world believe it? You may + have only intended to play with the heart of the poor artless Irish + gentleman who adored and confided in you. But who will believe the stories + of your innocence, against the irrefragable testimony of your own + handwriting? Who will believe that you could write these letters in the + mere wantonness of coquetry, and not under the influence of affection?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Villain!’ cried my Lady Lyndon, ‘could you dare to construe out of those + idle letters of mine any other meaning than that which they really bear?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I will construe anything out of them,’ said I; ‘such is the passion which + animates me towards you. I have sworn it—you must and shall be mine! + Did you ever know me promise to accomplish a thing and fail? Which will + you prefer to have from me—a love such as woman never knew from man + before, or a hatred to which there exists no parallel?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘A woman of my rank, sir, can fear nothing from the hatred of an + adventurer like yourself,’ replied the lady, drawing up stately. + </p> + <p> + ‘Look at your Poynings—was HE of your rank? You are the cause of + that young man’s wound, madam; and, but that the instrument of your savage + cruelty relented, would have been the author of his murder—yes, of + his murder; for, if a wife is faithless, does not she arm the husband who + punishes the seducer! And I look upon you, Honoria Lyndon, as my wife.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Husband? wife, sir!’ cried the widow, quite astonished. + </p> + <p> + ‘Yes, wife! husband! I am not one of those poor souls with whom coquettes + can play, and who may afterwards throw them aside. You would forget what + passed between us at Spa: Calista would forget Eugenio; but I will not let + you forget me. You thought to trifle with my heart, did you? When once + moved, Honoria, it is moved for ever. I love you—love as + passionately now as I did when my passion was hopeless; and, now that I + can win you, do you think I will forego you? Cruel cruel Calista! you + little know the power of your own charms if you think their effect is so + easily obliterated—you little know the constancy of this pure and + noble heart if you think that, having once loved, it can ever cease to + adore you. No! I swear by your cruelty that I will revenge it; by your + wonderful beauty that I will win it, and be worthy to win it. Lovely, + fascinating, fickle, cruel woman! you shall be mine—I swear it! Your + wealth may be great; but am I not of a generous nature enough to use it + worthily? Your rank is lofty; but not so lofty as my ambition. You threw + yourself away once on a cold and spiritless debauchee: give yourself now, + Honoria, to a MAN; and one who, however lofty your rank may be, will + enhance it and become it!’ + </p> + <p> + As I poured words to this effect out on the astonished widow, I stood over + her, and fascinated her with the glance of my eye; saw her turn red and + pale with fear and wonder; saw that my praise of her charms and the + exposition of my passion were not unwelcome to her, and witnessed with + triumphant composure the mastery I was gaining over her. Terror, be sure + of that, is not a bad ingredient of love. A man who wills fiercely to win + the heart of a weak and vapourish woman MUST succeed, if he have + opportunity enough. + </p> + <p> + ‘Terrible man!’ said Lady Lyndon, shrinking from me as soon as I had done + speaking (indeed, I was at a loss for words, and thinking of another + speech to make to her)—‘terrible man! leave me.’ + </p> + <p> + I saw that I had made an impression on her, from those very words. ‘If she + lets me into the house to-morrow,’ said I, ‘she is mine.’ + </p> + <p> + As I went downstairs I put ten guineas into the hand of the hall-porter, + who looked quite astonished at such a gift. + </p> + <p> + ‘It is to repay you for the trouble of opening the door to me,’ said I; + ‘you will have to do so often.’ + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0016" id="link2HCH0016"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVI. I PROVIDE NOBLY FOR MY FAMILY + </h2> + <p> + The next day when I went back, my fears were realised: the door was + refused to me—my Lady was not at home. This I knew to be false: I + had watched the door the whole morning from a lodging I took at a house + opposite. + </p> + <p> + ‘Your lady is not out,’ said I: ‘she has denied me, and I can’t, of + course, force my way to her. But listen: you are an Englishman?’ ‘That I + am,’ said the fellow, with an air of the utmost superiority. ‘Your honour + could tell that by my HACCENT.’ + </p> + <p> + I knew he was, and might therefore offer him a bribe. An Irish family + servant in rags, and though his wages were never paid him, would probably + fling the money in your face. + </p> + <p> + ‘Listen, then,’ said I. ‘Your lady’s letters pass through your hands, + don’t they? A crown for every one that you bring me to read. There is a + whisky-shop in the next street; bring them there when you go to drink, and + call for me by the name of Dermot.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I recollect your honour at SPAR,’ says the fellow, grinning: ‘seven’s the + main, hey?’ and being exceedingly proud of this reminiscence, I bade my + inferior adieu. + </p> + <p> + I do not defend this practice of letter-opening in private life, except in + cases of the most urgent necessity: when we must follow the examples of + our betters, the statesmen of all Europe, and, for the sake of a great + good, infringe a little matter of ceremony. My Lady Lyndon’s letters were + none the worse for being opened, and a great deal the better; the + knowledge obtained from the perusal of some of her multifarious epistles + enabling me to become intimate with her character in a hundred ways, and + obtain a power over her by which I was not slow to profit. By the aid of + the letters and of my English friend, whom I always regaled with the best + of liquor, and satisfied with presents of money still more agreeable (I + used to put on a livery in order to meet him, and a red wig, in which it + was impossible to know the dashing and elegant Redmond Barry), I got such + an insight into the widow’s movements as astonished her. I knew beforehand + to what public places she would go; they were, on account of her + widowhood, but few: and wherever she appeared, at church or in the park, I + was always ready to offer her her book, or to canter on horseback by the + side of her chariot. + </p> + <p> + Many of her Ladyship’s letters were the most whimsical rodomontades that + ever blue-stocking penned. She was a woman who took up and threw off a + greater number of dear friends than any one I ever knew. To some of these + female darlings she began presently to write about my unworthy self, and + it was with a sentiment of extreme satisfaction I found at length that the + widow was growing dreadfully afraid of me; calling me her bete noire, her + dark spirit, her murderous adorer, and a thousand other names indicative + of her extreme disquietude and terror. It was: ‘The wretch has been + dogging my chariot through the park,’ or, ‘my fate pursued me at church,’ + and ‘my inevitable adorer handed me out of my chair at the mercer’s,’ or + what not. My wish was to increase this sentiment of awe in her bosom, and + to make her believe that I was a person from whom escape was impossible. + </p> + <p> + To this end I bribed a fortune-teller, whom she consulted along with a + number of the most foolish and distinguished people of Dublin, in those + days; and who, although she went dressed like one of her waiting-women, + did not fail to recognise her real rank, and to describe as her future + husband her persevering adorer Redmond Barry, Esquire. This incident + disturbed her very much. She wrote about it in terms of great wonder and + terror to her female correspondents. ‘Can this monster,’ she wrote, + ‘indeed do as he boasts, and bend even Fate to his will?—can he make + me marry him though I cordially detest him, and bring me a slave to his + feet. The horrid look of his black serpent-like eyes fascinates and + frightens me: it seems to follow me everywhere, and even when I close my + own eyes, the dreadful gaze penetrates the lids, and is still upon me.’ + </p> + <p> + When a woman begins to talk of a man in this way, he is an ass who does + not win her; and, for my part, I used to follow her about, and put myself + in an attitude opposite her, ‘and fascinate her with my glance,’ as she + said, most assiduously. Lord George Poynings, her former admirer, was + meanwhile keeping his room with his wound, and seemed determined to give + up all claims to her favour; for he denied her admittance when she called, + sent no answer to her multiplied correspondence, and contented himself by + saying generally, that the surgeon had forbidden him to receive visitors + or to answer letters. Thus, while he went into the background, I came + forward, and took good care that no other rivals should present themselves + with any chance of success; for, as soon as I heard of one, I had a + quarrel fastened on him, and, in this way, pinked two more, besides my + first victim Lord George. I always took another pretext for quarrelling + with them than the real one of attention to Lady Lyndon, so that no + scandal or hurt to her Ladyship’s feelings might arise in consequence; but + she very well knew what was the meaning of these duels; and the young + fellows of Dublin, too, by laying two and two together, began to perceive + that there was a certain dragon in watch for the wealthy heiress, and that + the dragon must be subdued first before they could get at the lady. I + warrant that, after the first three, not many champions were found to + address the lady; and have often laughed (in my sleeve) to see many of the + young Dublin beaux riding by the side of her carriage scamper off as soon + as my bay-mare and green liveries made their appearance. + </p> + <p> + I wanted to impress her with some great and awful instance of my power, + and to this end had determined to confer a great benefit upon my honest + cousin Ulick, and carry off for him the fair object of his affections, + Miss Kiljoy, under the very eyes of her guardian and friend, Lady Lyndon; + and in the teeth of the squires, the young lady’s brothers, who passed the + season at Dublin, and made as much swagger and to-do about their sister’s + L10,000 Irish, as if she had had a plum to her fortune. The girl was by no + means averse to Mr. Brady; and it only shows how faint-spirited some men + are, and how a superior genius can instantly overcome difficulties which + to common minds seem insuperable, that he never had thought of running off + with her: as I at once and boldly did. Miss Kiljoy had been a ward in + Chancery until she attained her majority (before which period it would + have been a dangerous matter for me to put in execution the scheme I + meditated concerning her); but, though now free to marry whom she liked, + she was a young lady of timid disposition, and as much under fear of her + brothers and relatives as though she had not been independent of them. + They had some friend of their own in view for the young lady, and had + scornfully rejected the proposal of Ulick Brady, the ruined gentleman; who + was quite unworthy, as these rustic bucks thought, of the hand of such a + prodigiously wealthy heiress as their sister. + </p> + <p> + Finding herself lonely in her great house in Dublin, the Countess of + Lyndon invited her friend Miss Amelia to pass the season with her at + Dublin; and, in a fit of maternal fondness, also sent for her son the + little Bullingdon, and my old acquaintance his governor, to come to the + capital and bear her company. A family coach brought the boy, the heiress, + and the tutor from Castle Lyndon; and I determined to take the first + opportunity of putting my plan in execution. + </p> + <p> + For this chance I had not very long to wait. I have said, in a former + chapter of my biography, that the kingdom of Ireland was at this period + ravaged by various parties of banditti; who, under the name of Whiteboys, + Oakboys, Steelboys, with captains at their head, killed proctors, fired + stacks, houghed and maimed cattle, and took the law into their own hands. + One of these bands, or several of them for what I know, was commanded by a + mysterious personage called Captain Thunder; whose business seemed to be + that of marrying people with or without their own consent, or that of + their parents. The Dublin Gazettes and Mercuries of that period (the year + 1772) teem with proclamations from the Lord Lieutenant, offering rewards + for the apprehension of this dreadful Captain Thunder and his gang, and + describing at length various exploits of the savage aide-de-camp of Hymen. + I determined to make use, if not of the services, at any rate of the name + of Captain Thunder, and put my cousin Ulick in possession of his lady and + her ten thousand pounds. She was no great beauty, and, I presume, it was + the money he loved rather than the owner of it. + </p> + <p> + On account of her widowhood, Lady Lyndon could not as yet frequent the + balls and routs which the hospitable nobility of Dublin were in the custom + of giving; but her friend Miss Kiljoy had no such cause for retirement, + and was glad to attend any parties to which she might be invited. I made + Ulick Brady a present of a couple of handsome suits of velvet, and by my + influence procured him an invitation to many of the most elegant of these + assemblies. But he had not had my advantages or experience of the manners + of Court; was as shy with ladies as a young colt, and could no more dance + a minuet than a donkey. He made very little way in the polite world or in + his mistress’s heart: in fact, I could see that she preferred several + other young gentlemen to him, who were more at home in the ball-room than + poor Ulick; he had made his first impression upon the heiress, and felt + his first flame for her, in her father’s house of Ballykiljoy, where he + used to hunt and get drunk with the old gentleman. + </p> + <p> + ‘I could do THIM two well enough, anyhow,’ Ulick would say, heaving a + sigh; ‘and if it’s drinking or riding across country would do it, there’s + no man in Ireland would have a better chance with Amalia.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Never fear, Ulick,’ was my reply; ‘you shall have your Amalia, or my name + is not Redmond Barry.’ + </p> + <p> + My Lord Charlemont—who was one of the most elegant and accomplished + noblemen in Ireland in those days, a fine scholar and wit, a gentleman who + had travelled much abroad, where I had the honour of knowing him—gave + a magnificent masquerade at his house of Marino, some few miles from + Dublin, on the Dunleary road. And it was at this entertainment that I was + determined that Ulick should be made happy for life. Miss Kiljoy was + invited to the masquerade, and the little Lord Bullingdon, who longed to + witness such a scene; and it was agreed that he was to go under the + guardianship of his governor, my old friend the Reverend Mr. Runt. I + learned what was the equipage in which the party were to be conveyed to + the ball, and took my measures accordingly. + </p> + <p> + Ulick Brady was not present: his fortune and quality were not sufficient + to procure him an invitation to so distinguished a place, and I had it + given out three days previous that he had been arrested for debt: a rumour + which surprised nobody who knew him. + </p> + <p> + I appeared that night in a character with which I was very familiar, that + of a private soldier in the King of Prussia’s guard. I had a grotesque + mask made, with an immense nose and moustaches, talked a jumble of broken + English and German, in which the latter greatly predominated; and had + crowds round me laughing at my droll accent, and whose curiosity was + increased by a knowledge of my previous history. Miss Kiljoy was attired + as an antique princess, with little Bullingdon as a page of the times of + chivalry; his hair was in powder, his doublet rose-colour, and pea-green + and silver, and he looked very handsome and saucy as he strutted about + with my sword by his side. As for Mr. Runt, he walked about very demurely + in a domino, and perpetually paid his respects to the buffet, and ate + enough cold chicken and drank enough punch and champagne to satisfy a + company of grenadiers. + </p> + <p> + The Lord Lieutenant came and went in state-the ball was magnificent. Miss + Kiljoy had partners in plenty, among whom was myself, who walked a minuet + with her (if the clumsy waddling of the Irish heiress may be called by + such a name); and I took occasion to plead my passion for Lady Lyndon in + the most pathetic terms, and to beg her friend’s interference in my + favour. + </p> + <p> + It was three hours past midnight when the party for Lyndon House went + away. Little Bullingdon had long since been asleep in one of Lady + Charlemont’s china closets. Mr. Runt was exceedingly husky in talk, and + unsteady in gait. A young lady of the present day would be alarmed to see + a gentleman in such a condition; but it was a common sight in those jolly + old times, when a gentleman was thought a milksop unless he was + occasionally tipsy. I saw Miss Kiljoy to her carriage, with several other + gentlemen: and, peering through the crowd of ragged linkboys, drivers, + beggars, drunken men and women, who used invariably to wait round great + men’s doors when festivities were going on, saw the carriage drive off, + with a hurrah from the mob; then came back presently to the supper-room, + where I talked German, favoured the three or four topers still there with + a High-Dutch chorus, and attacked the dishes and wine with great + resolution. + </p> + <p> + ‘How can you drink aisy with that big nose on?’ said one gentleman. + </p> + <p> + ‘Go an be hangt!’ said I, in the true accent, applying myself again to the + wine; with which the others laughed, and I pursued my supper in silence. + </p> + <p> + There was a gentleman present who had seen the Lyndon party go off, with + whom I had made a bet, which I lost; and the next morning I called upon + him and paid it him. All which particulars the reader will be surprised at + hearing enumerated; but the fact is, that it was not I who went back to + the party, but my late German valet, who was of my size, and, dressed in + my mask, could perfectly pass for me. We changed clothes in a + hackney-coach that stood near Lady Lyndon’s chariot, and driving after it, + speedily overtook it. + </p> + <p> + The fated vehicle which bore the lovely object of Ulick Brady’s affections + had not advanced very far, when, in the midst of a deep rut in the road, + it came suddenly to with a jolt; the footman, springing off the back, + cried ‘Stop!’ to the coachman, warning him that a wheel was off, and that + it would be dangerous to proceed with only three. Wheel-caps had not been + invented in those days, as they have since been by the ingenious builders + of Long Acre. And how the linch-pin of the wheel had come out I do not + pretend to say; but it possibly may have been extracted by some rogues + among the crowd before Lord Charlemont’s gate. + </p> + <p> + Miss Kiljoy thrust her head out of the window, screaming as ladies do; Mr. + Runt the chaplain woke up from his boozy slumbers; and little Bullingdon, + starting up and drawing his little sword, said, ‘Don’t be afraid, Miss + Amelia: if it’s footpads, I am armed.’ The young rascal had the spirit of + a lion, that’s the truth; as I must acknowledge, in spite of all my after + quarrels with him. + </p> + <p> + The hackney-coach which had been following Lady Lyndon’s chariot by this + time came up, and the coachman seeing the disaster, stepped down from his + box, and politely requested her Ladyship’s honour to enter his vehicle; + which was as clean and elegant as any person of tiptop quality might + desire. This invitation was, after a minute or two, accepted by the + passengers of the chariot: the hackney-coachman promising to drive them to + Dublin ‘in a hurry.’ Thady, the valet, proposed to accompany his young + master and the young lady; and the coachman, who had a friend seemingly + drunk by his side on the box, with a grin told Thady to get up behind. + However, as the footboard there was covered with spikes, as a defence + against the street-boys, who love a ride gratis, Thady’s fidelity would + not induce him to brave these; and he was persuaded to remain by the + wounded chariot, for which he and the coachman manufactured a linch-pin + out of a neighbouring hedge. + </p> + <p> + Meanwhile, although the hackney-coachman drove on rapidly, yet the party + within seemed to consider it was a long distance from Dublin; and what was + Miss Kiljoy’s astonishment, on looking out of the window at length, to see + around her a lonely heath, with no signs of buildings or city. She began + forthwith to scream out to the coachman to stop; but the man only whipped + the horses the faster for her noise, and bade her Ladyship ‘hould on—‘twas + a short cut he was taking.’ + </p> + <p> + Miss Kiljoy continued screaming, the coachman flogging, the horses + galloping, until two or three men appeared suddenly from a hedge, to whom + the fair one cried for assistance; and the young Bullingdon opening the + coach-door, jumped valiantly out, toppling over head and heels as he fell; + but jumping up in an instant, he drew his little sword, and, running + towards the carriage, exclaimed, ‘This way, gentlemen! stop the rascal!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Stop!’ cried the men; at which the coachman pulled up with extraordinary + obedience. Runt all the while lay tipsy in the carriage, having only a + dreamy half-consciousness of all that was going on. + </p> + <p> + The newly arrived champions of female distress now held a consultation, in + which they looked at the young lord and laughed considerably. + </p> + <p> + ‘Do not be alarmed,’ said the leader, coming up to the door; ‘one of my + people shall mount the box by the side of that treacherous rascal, and, + with your Ladyship’s leave, I and my companions will get in and see you + home. We are well armed, and can defend you in case of danger.’ + </p> + <p> + With this, and without more ado, he jumped into the carriage, his + companion following him. + </p> + <p> + ‘Know your place, fellow!’ cried out little Bullingdon indignantly: ‘and + give place to the Lord Viscount Bullingdon!’ and put himself before the + huge person of the new-comer, who was about to enter the hackney-coach. + </p> + <p> + ‘Get out of that, my Lord,’ said the man, in a broad brogue, and shoving + him aside. On which the boy, crying ‘Thieves! thieves!’ drew out his + little hanger, and ran at the man, and would have wounded him (for a small + sword will wound as well as a great one); but his opponent, who was armed + with a long stick, struck the weapon luckily out of the lad’s hands: it + went flying over his head, and left him aghast and mortified at his + discomfiture. + </p> + <p> + He then pulled off his hat, making his Lordship a low bow, and entered the + carriage; the door of which was shut upon him by his confederate, who was + to mount the box. Miss Kiljoy might have screamed; but I presume her + shrieks were stopped by the sight of an enormous horse-pistol which one of + her champions produced, who said, ‘No harm is intended you, ma’am, but if + you cry out, we must gag you;’ on which she suddenly became as mute as a + fish. + </p> + <p> + All these events took place in an exceedingly short space of time; and + when the three invaders had taken possession of the carriage, the poor + little Bullingdon being left bewildered and astonished on the heath, one + of them putting his head out of the window, said,— + </p> + <p> + ‘My Lord, a word with you.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘What is it?’ said the boy, beginning to whimper: he was but eleven years + old, and his courage had been excellent hitherto. + </p> + <p> + ‘You are only two miles from Marino. Walk back till you come to a big + stone, there turn to the right, and keep on straight till you get to the + high-road, when you will easily find your way back. And when you see her + Ladyship your mamma, give CAPTAIN THUNDER’S compliments, and say Miss + Amelia Kiljoy is going to be married.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘O heavens!’ sighed out that young lady. + </p> + <p> + The carriage drove swiftly on, and the poor little nobleman was left alone + on the heath, just as the morning began to break. He was fairly + frightened; and no wonder. He thought of running after the coach; but his + courage and his little legs failed him: so he sat down upon a stone and + cried for vexation. + </p> + <p> + It was in this way that Ulick Brady made what I call a Sabine marriage. + When he halted with his two groomsmen at the cottage where the ceremony + was to be performed, Mr. Runt, the chaplain, at first declined to perform + it. But a pistol was held at the head of that unfortunate preceptor, and + he was told, with dreadful oaths, that his miserable brains would be blown + out; when he consented to read the service. The lovely Amelia had, very + likely, a similar inducement held out to her, but of that I know nothing; + for I drove back to town with the coachman as soon as we had set the + bridal party down, and had the satisfaction of finding Fritz, my German, + arrived before me: he had come back in my carriage in my dress, having + left the masquerade undiscovered, and done everything there according to + my orders. + </p> + <p> + Poor Runt came back the next day in a piteous plight, keeping silence as + to his share in the occurrences of the evening, and with a dismal story of + having been drunk, of having been waylaid and bound, of having been left + on the road and picked up by a Wicklow cart, which was coming in with + provisions to Dublin, and found him helpless on the road. There was no + possible means of fixing any share of the conspiracy upon him. Little + Bullingdon, who, too, found his way home, was unable in any way to + identify me. But Lady Lyndon knew that I was concerned in the plot, for I + met her hurrying the next day to the Castle; all the town being up about + the enlevement. And I saluted her with a smile so diabolical, that I knew + she was aware that I had been concerned in the daring and ingenious + scheme. + </p> + <p> + Thus it was that I repaid Ulick Brady’s kindness to me in early days; and + had the satisfaction of restoring the fallen fortunes of a deserving + branch of my family. He took his bride into Wicklow, where he lived with + her in the strictest seclusion until the affair was blown over; the + Kiljoys striving everywhere in vain to discover his retreat. They did not + for a while even know who was the lucky man who had carried off the + heiress; nor was it until she wrote a letter some weeks afterwards, signed + Amelia Brady, and expressing perfect happiness in her new condition, and + stating that she had been married by Lady Lyndon’s chaplain Mr. Runt, that + the truth was known, and my worthy friend confessed his share of the + transaction. As his good-natured mistress did not dismiss him from his + post in consequence, everybody persisted in supposing that poor Lady + Lyndon was privy to the plot; and the story of her Ladyship’s passionate + attachment for me gained more and more credit. + </p> + <p> + I was not slow, you may be sure, in profiting by these rumours. Every one + thought I had a share in the Brady marriage; though no one could prove it. + Every one thought I was well with the widowed Countess; though no one + could show that I said so. But there is a way of proving a thing even + while you contradict it, and I used to laugh and joke so apropos that all + men began to wish me joy of my great fortune, and look up to me as the + affianced husband of the greatest heiress in the kingdom. The papers took + up the matter; the female friends of Lady Lyndon remonstrated with her and + cried ‘Fie!’ Even the English journals and magazines, which in those days + were very scandalous, talked of the matter; and whispered that a beautiful + and accomplished widow, with a title and the largest possessions in the + two kingdoms, was about to bestow her hand upon a young gentleman of high + birth and fashion, who had distinguished himself in the service of His M——-y + the K—- of Pr——. I won’t say who was the author of these + paragraphs; or how two pictures, one representing myself under the title + of ‘The Prussian Irishman,’ and the other Lady Lyndon as ‘The Countess of + Ephesus,’ actually appeared in the Town and Country Magazine, published at + London, and containing the fashionable tittle-tattle of the day. + </p> + <p> + Lady Lyndon was so perplexed and terrified by this continual hold upon + her, that she determined to leave the country. Well, she did; and who was + the first to receive her on landing at Holyhead? Your humble servant, + Redmond Barry, Esquire. And, to crown all, the Dublin Mercury, which + announced her Ladyship’s departure, announced mine THE DAY BEFORE. There + was not a soul but thought she had followed me to England; whereas she was + only flying me. Vain hope!—a man of my resolution was not thus to be + balked in pursuit. Had she fled to the antipodes, I would have been there: + ay, and would have followed her as far as Orpheus did Eurydice! + </p> + <p> + Her Ladyship had a house in Berkeley Square, London, more splendid than + that which she possessed in Dublin; and, knowing that she would come + thither, I preceded her to the English capital, and took handsome + apartments in Hill Street, hard by. I had the same intelligence in her + London house which I had procured in Dublin. The same faithful porter was + there to give me all the information I required. I promised to treble his + wages as soon as a certain event should happen. I won over Lady Lyndon’s + companion by a present of a hundred guineas down, and a promise of two + thousand when I should be married, and gained the favours of her favourite + lady’s-maid by a bribe of similar magnitude. My reputation had so far + preceded me in London that, on my arrival, numbers of the genteel were + eager to receive me at their routs. We have no idea in this humdrum age + what a gay and splendid place London was then: what a passion for play + there was among young and old, male and female; what thousands were lost + and won in a night; what beauties there were—how brilliant, gay, and + dashing! Everybody was delightfully wicked: the Royal Dukes of Gloucester + and Cumberland set the example; the nobles followed close behind. Running + away was the fashion. Ah! it was a pleasant time; and lucky was he who had + fire, and youth, and money, and could live in it! I had all these; and the + old frequenters of ‘White’s,’ ‘Wattier’s,’ and ‘Goosetree’s’ could tell + stories of the gallantry, spirit, and high fashion of Captain Barry. + </p> + <p> + The progress of a love-story is tedious to all those who are not + concerned, and I leave such themes to the hack novel-writers, and the + young boarding-school misses for whom they write. It is not my intention + to follow, step by step, the incidents of my courtship, or to narrate all + the difficulties I had to contend with, and my triumphant manner of + surmounting them. Suffice it to say, I DID overcome these difficulties. I + am of opinion, with my friend the late ingenious Mr. Wilkes, that such + impediments are nothing in the way of a man of spirit; and that he can + convert indifference and aversion into love, if he have perseverance and + cleverness sufficient. By the time the Countess’s widowhood was expired, I + had found means to be received into her house; I had her women perpetually + talking in my favour, vaunting my powers, expatiating upon my reputation, + and boasting of my success and popularity in the fashionable world. + </p> + <p> + Also, the best friends I had in the prosecution of my tender suit were the + Countess’s noble relatives; who were far from knowing the service that + they did me, and to whom I beg leave to tender my heartfelt thanks for the + abuse with which they then loaded me! and to whom I fling my utter + contempt for the calumny and hatred with which they have subsequently + pursued me. + </p> + <p> + The chief of these amiable persons was the Marchioness of Tiptoff, mother + of the young gentleman whose audacity I had punished at Dublin. This old + harridan, on the Countess’s first arrival in London, waited upon her, and + favoured her with such a storm of abuse for her encouragement of me, that + I do believe she advanced my cause more than six months’ courtship could + have done, or the pinking of a half-dozen of rivals. It was in vain that + poor Lady Lyndon pleaded her entire innocence and vowed she had never + encouraged me. ‘Never encouraged him!’ screamed out the old fury; ‘didn’t + you encourage the wretch at Spa, during Sir Charles’s own life? Didn’t you + marry a dependant of yours to one of this profligate’s bankrupt cousins? + When he set off for England, didn’t you follow him like a mad woman the + very next day? Didn’t he take lodgings at your very door almost—and + do you call this no encouragement? For shame, madam, shame! You might have + married my son—my dear and noble George; but that he did not choose + to interfere with your shameful passion for the beggarly upstart whom you + caused to assassinate him; and the only counsel I have to give your + Ladyship is this, to legitimatise the ties which you have contracted with + this shameless adventurer; to make that connection legal which, real as it + is now, is against both decency and religion; and to spare your family and + your son the shame of your present line of life.’ + </p> + <p> + With this the old fury of a marchioness left the room, and Lady Lyndon in + tears: I had the whole particulars of the conversation from her Ladyship’s + companion, and augured the best result from it in my favour. + </p> + <p> + Thus, by the sage influence of my Lady Tiptoff, the Countess of Lyndon’s + natural friends and family were kept from her society. Even when Lady + Lyndon went to Court the most august lady in the realm received her with + such marked coldness, that the unfortunate widow came home and took to her + bed with vexation. And thus I may say that Royalty itself became an agent + in advancing my suit, and helping the plans of the poor Irish soldier of + fortune. So it is that Fate works with agents, great and small; and by + means over which they have no control the destinies of men and women are + accomplished. + </p> + <p> + I shall always consider the conduct of Mrs. Bridget (Lady Lyndon’s + favourite maid at this juncture) as a masterpiece of ingenuity: and, + indeed, had such an opinion of her diplomatic skill, that the very instant + I became master of the Lyndon estates, and paid her the promised sum—I + am a man of honour, and rather than not keep my word with the woman, I + raised the money of the Jews, at an exorbitant interest—as soon, I + say, as I achieved my triumph, I took Mrs. Bridget by the hand, and said, + “Madam, you have shown such unexampled fidelity in my service that I am + glad to reward you, according to my promise; but you have given proofs of + such extraordinary cleverness and dissimulation, that I must decline + keeping you in Lady Lyndon’s establishment, and beg you will leave it this + very day:” which she did, and went over to the Tiptoff faction, and has + abused me ever since. + </p> + <p> + But I must tell you what she did which was so clever. Why, it was the + simplest thing in the world, as all master-strokes are. When Lady Lyndon + lamented her fate and my—as she was pleased to call it—shameful + treatment of her, Mrs. Bridget said, ‘Why should not your Ladyship write + this young gentleman word of the evil which he is causing you? Appeal to + his feelings (which, I have heard say, are very good indeed—the + whole town is ringing with accounts of his spirit and generosity), and beg + him to desist from a pursuit which causes the best of ladies so much pain? + Do, my Lady, write: I know your style is so elegant that I, for my part, + have many a time burst into tears in reading your charming letters, and I + have no doubt Mr. Barry will sacrifice anything rather than hurt your + feelings.’ And, of course, the abigail swore to the fact. + </p> + <p> + ‘Do you think so, Bridget?’ said her Ladyship. And my mistress forthwith + penned me a letter, in her most fascinating and winning manner:—‘Why, + sir,’ wrote she, ‘will you pursue me? why environ me in a web of intrigue + so frightful that my spirit sinks under it, seeing escape is hopeless from + your frightful, your diabolical art? They say you are generous to others—be + so to me. I know your bravery but too well: exercise it on men who can + meet your sword, not on a poor feeble woman, who cannot resist you. + Remember the friendship you once professed for me. And now, I beseech you, + I implore you, to give a proof of it. Contradict the calumnies which you + have spread against me, and repair, if you can, and if you have a spark of + honour left, the miseries which you have caused to the heart-broken + </p> + <p> + ‘H. LYNDON.’ + </p> + <p> + What was this letter meant for but that I should answer it in person? My + excellent ally told me where I should meet Lady Lyndon, and accordingly I + followed, and found her at the Pantheon. I repeated the scene at Dublin + over again; showed her how prodigious my power was, humble as I was, and + that my energy was still untired. ‘But,’ I added, ‘I am as great in good + as I am in evil; as fond and faithful as a friend as I am terrible as an + enemy. I will do everything,’ I said, ‘which you ask of me, except when + you bid me not to love you. That is beyond my power; and while my heart + has a pulse I must follow you. It is MY fate; your fate. Cease to battle + against it, and be mine. Loveliest of your sex! with life alone can end my + passion for you; and, indeed, it is only by dying at your command that I + can be brought to obey you. Do you wish me to die?’ + </p> + <p> + She said, laughing (for she was a woman of a lively, humorous turn), that + she did not wish me to commit self-murder; and I felt from that moment + that she was mine. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + A year from that day, on the 15th of May, in the year 1773, I had the + honour and happiness to lead to the altar Honoria, Countess of Lyndon, + widow of the late Right Honourable Sir Charles Lyndon, K.B. The ceremony + was performed at St. George’s, Hanover Square, by the Reverend Samuel + Runt, her Ladyship’s chaplain. A magnificent supper and ball was given at + our house in Berkeley Square, and the next morning I had a duke, four + earls, three generals, and a crowd of the most distinguished people in + London at my LEVEE. Walpole made a lampoon about the marriage, and Selwyn + cut jokes at the ‘Cocoa-Tree.’ Old Lady Tiptoff, although she had + recommended it, was ready to bite off her fingers with vexation; and as + for young Bullingdon, who was grown a tall lad of fourteen, when called + upon by the Countess to embrace his papa, he shook his fist in my face and + said, ‘HE my father! I would as soon call one of your Ladyship’s footmen + Papa!’ + </p> + <p> + But I could afford to laugh at the rage of the boy and the old woman, and + at the jokes of the wits of St. James’s. I sent off a flaming account of + our nuptials to my mother and my uncle the good Chevalier; and now, + arrived at the pitch of prosperity, and having, at thirty years of age, by + my own merits and energy, raised myself to one of the highest social + positions that any man in England could occupy, I determined to enjoy + myself as became a man of quality for the remainder of my life. + </p> + <p> + After we had received the congratulations of our friends in London—for + in those days people were not ashamed of being married, as they seem to be + now—I and Honoria (who was all complacency, and a most handsome, + sprightly, and agreeable companion) set off to visit our estates in the + West of England, where I had never as yet set foot. We left London in + three chariots, each with four horses; and my uncle would have been + pleased could he have seen painted on their panels the Irish crown and the + ancient coat of the Barrys beside the Countess’s coronet and the noble + cognisance of the noble family of Lyndon. + </p> + <p> + Before quitting London, I procured His Majesty’s gracious permission to + add the name of my lovely lady to my own; and henceforward assumed the + style and title of BARRY LYNDON, as I have written it in this + autobiography. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0017" id="link2HCH0017"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVII. I APPEAR AS AN ORNAMENT OF ENGLISH SOCIETY + </h2> + <p> + All the journey down to Hackton Castle, the largest and most ancient of + our ancestral seats in Devonshire, was performed with the slow and sober + state becoming people of the first quality in the realm. An outrider in my + livery went on before us, and bespoke our lodging from town to town; and + thus we lay in state at Andover, Ilminster, and Exeter; and the fourth + evening arrived in time for supper before the antique baronial mansion, of + which the gate was in an odious Gothic taste that would have set Mr. + Walpole wild with pleasure. + </p> + <p> + The first days of a marriage are commonly very trying; and I have known + couples, who lived together like turtle-doves for the rest of their lives, + peck each other’s eyes out almost during the honeymoon. I did not escape + the common lot; in our journey westward my Lady Lyndon chose to quarrel + with me because I pulled out a pipe of tobacco (the habit of smoking which + I had acquired in Germany when a soldier in Billow’s, and could never give + it over), and smoked it in the carriage; and also her Ladyship chose to + take umbrage both at Ilminster and Andover, because in the evenings when + we lay there I chose to invite the landlords of the ‘Bell’ and the ‘Lion’ + to crack a bottle with me. Lady Lyndon was a haughty woman, and I hate + pride; and I promise you that in both instances I overcame this vice in + her. On the third day of our journey I had her to light my pipematch with + her own hands, and made her deliver it to me with tears in her eyes; and + at the ‘Swan Inn’ at Exeter I had so completely subdued her, that she + asked me humbly whether I would not wish the landlady as well as the host + to step up to dinner with us. To this I should have had no objection, for, + indeed, Mrs. Bonnyface was a very good-looking woman; but we expected a + visit from my Lord Bishop, a kinsman of Lady Lyndon, and the BIENSEANCES + did not permit the indulgence of my wife’s request. I appeared with her at + evening service, to compliment our right reverend cousin, and put her name + down for twenty-five guineas, and my own for one hundred, to the famous + new organ which was then being built for the cathedral. This conduct, at + the very outset of my career in the county, made me not a little popular; + and the residentiary canon, who did me the favour to sup with me at the + inn, went away after the sixth bottle, hiccuping the most solemn vows for + the welfare of such a p-p-pious gentleman. + </p> + <p> + Before we reached Hackton Castle, we had to drive through ten miles of the + Lyndon estates, where the people were out to visit us, the church bells + set a-ringing, the parson and the farmers assembled in their best by the + roadside, and the school children and the labouring people were loud in + their hurrahs for her Ladyship. I flung money among these worthy + characters, stopped to bow and chat with his reverence and the farmers, + and if I found that the Devonshire girls were among the handsomest in the + kingdom is it my fault? These remarks my Lady Lyndon especially would take + in great dudgeon; and I do believe she was made more angry by my + admiration of the red cheeks of Miss Betsy Quarringdon of Clumpton, than + by any previous speech or act of mine in the journey. ‘Ah, ah, my fine + madam, you are jealous, are you?’ thought I, and reflected, not without + deep sorrow, how lightly she herself had acted in her husband’s lifetime, + and that those are most jealous who themselves give most cause for + jealousy. + </p> + <p> + Round Hackton village the scene of welcome was particularly gay: a band of + music had been brought from Plymouth, and arches and flags had been + raised, especially before the attorney’s and the doctor’s houses, who were + both in the employ of the family. There were many hundreds of stout people + at the great lodge, which, with the park-wall, bounds one side of Hackton + Green, and from which, for three miles, goes (or rather went) an avenue of + noble elms up to the towers of the old castle. I wished they had been oak + when I cut the trees down in ‘79, for they would have fetched three times + the money: I know nothing more culpable than the carelessness of ancestors + in planting their grounds with timber of small value, when they might just + as easily raise oak. Thus I have always said that the Roundhead Lyndon of + Hackton, who planted these elms in Charles II.‘s time, cheated me of ten + thousand pounds. + </p> + <p> + For the first few days after our arrival, my time was agreeably spent in + receiving the visits of the nobility and gentry who came to pay their + respects to the noble new-married couple, and, like Bluebeard’s wife in + the fairy tale, in inspecting the treasures, the furniture, and the + numerous chambers of the castle. It is a huge old place, built as far back + as Henry V.‘s time, besieged and battered by the Cromwellians in the + Revolution, and altered and patched up, in an odious old-fashioned taste, + by the Roundhead Lyndon, who succeeded to the property at the death of a + brother whose principles were excellent and of the true Cavalier sort, but + who ruined himself chiefly by drinking, dicing, and a dissolute life, and + a little by supporting the King. The castle stands in a fine chase, which + was prettily speckled over with deer; and I can’t but own that my pleasure + was considerable at first, as I sat in the oak parlour of summer evenings, + with the windows open, the gold and silver plate shining in a hundred + dazzling colours on the side-boards, a dozen jolly companions round the + table, and could look out over the wide green park and the waving woods, + and see the sun setting on the lake, and hear the deer calling to one + another. + </p> + <p> + The exterior was, when I first arrived, a quaint composition of all sorts + of architecture; of feudal towers, and gable-ends in Queen Bess’s style, + and rough-patched walls built up to repair the ravages of the Roundhead + cannon: but I need not speak of this at large, having had the place + new-faced at a vast expense, under a fashionable architect, and the facade + laid out in the latest French-Greek and most classical style. There had + been moats, and drawbridges, and outer walls; these I had shaved away into + elegant terraces, and handsomely laid out in parterres according to the + plans of Monsieur Cornichon, the great Parisian architect, who visited + England for the purpose. + </p> + <p> + After ascending the outer steps, you entered an antique hall of vast + dimensions, wainscoted with black carved oak, and ornamented with + portraits of our ancestors: from the square beard of Brook Lyndon, the + great lawyer in Queen Bess’s time, to the loose stomacher and ringlets of + Lady Saccharissa Lyndon, whom Vandyck painted when she was a maid of + honour to Queen Henrietta Maria, and down to Sir Charles Lyndon, with his + riband as a knight of the Bath; and my Lady, painted by Hudson, in a white + satin sack and the family diamonds, as she was presented to the old King + George II. These diamonds were very fine: I first had them reset by + Boehmer when we appeared before their French Majesties at Versailles; and + finally raised L18,000 upon them, after that infernal run of ill luck at + ‘Goosetree’s,’ when Jemmy Twitcher (as we called my Lord Sandwich), + Carlisle, Charley Fox, and I played hombre for four-and-forty hours SANS + DESEMPARER. Bows and pikes, huge stag-heads and hunting implements, and + rusty old suits of armour, that may have been worn in the days of Gog and + Magog for what I know, formed the other old ornaments of this huge + apartment; and were ranged round a fireplace where you might have turned a + coach-and-six. This I kept pretty much in its antique condition, but had + the old armour eventually turned out and consigned to the lumber-rooms + upstairs; replacing it with china monsters, gilded settees from France, + and elegant marbles, of which the broken noses and limbs, and ugliness, + undeniably proved their antiquity: and which an agent purchased for me at + Rome. But such was the taste of the times (and, perhaps, the rascality of + my agent), that thirty thousand pounds’ worth of these gems of art only + went for three hundred guineas at a subsequent period, when I found it + necessary to raise money on my collections. + </p> + <p> + From this main hall branched off on either side the long series of + state-rooms, poorly furnished with high-backed chairs and long queer + Venice glasses, when first I came to the property; but afterwards rendered + so splendid by me, with the gold damasks of Lyons and the magnificent + Gobelin tapestries I won from Richelieu at play. There were thirty-six + bedrooms DE MAITRE, of which I only kept three in their antique condition,—the + haunted room as it was called, where the murder was done in James II.‘s + time, the bed where William slept after landing at Torbay, and Queen + Elizabeth’s state-room. All the rest were redecorated by Cornichon in the + most elegant taste; not a little to the scandal of some of the steady old + country dowagers; for I had pictures of Boucher and Vanloo to decorate the + principal apartments, in which the Cupids and Venuses were painted in a + manner so natural, that I recollect the old wizened Countess of + Frumpington pinning over the curtains of her bed, and sending her + daughter, Lady Blanche Whalebone, to sleep with her waiting-woman, rather + than allow her to lie in a chamber hung all over with looking-glasses, + after the exact fashion of the Queen’s closet at Versailles. + </p> + <p> + For many of these ornaments I was not so much answerable as Cornichon, + whom Lauraguais lent me, and who was the intendant of my buildings during + my absence abroad. I had given the man CARTE BLANCHE, and when he fell + down and broke his leg, as he was decorating a theatre in the room which + had been the old chapel of the castle, the people of the country thought + it was a judgment of Heaven upon him. In his rage for improvement the + fellow dared anything. Without my orders he cut down an old rookery which + was sacred in the country, and had a prophecy regarding it, stating, ‘When + the rook-wood shall fall, down goes Hackton Hall.’ The rooks went over and + colonised Tiptoff Woods, which lay near us (and be hanged to them!), and + Cornichon built a temple to Venus and two lovely fountains on their site. + Venuses and Cupids were the rascal’s adoration: he wanted to take down the + Gothic screen and place Cupids in our pew there; but old Doctor Huff the + rector came out with a large oak stick, and addressed the unlucky + architect in Latin, of which he did not comprehend a word, yet made him + understand that he would break his bones if he laid a single finger upon + the sacred edifice. Cornichon made complaints about the ‘Abbe Huff,’ as he + called him. (‘Et quel abbe, grand Dieu!’ added he, quite bewildered, ‘un + abbe avec douze enfans’); but I encouraged the Church in this respect, and + bade Cornichon exert his talents only in the castle. + </p> + <p> + There was a magnificent collection of ancient plate, to which I added much + of the most splendid modern kind; a cellar which, however well furnished, + required continual replenishing, and a kitchen which I reformed + altogether. My friend, Jack Wilkes, sent me down a cook from the Mansion + House, for the English cookery,—the turtle and venison department: I + had a CHEF (who called out the Englishman, by the way, and complained + sadly of the GROS COCHON who wanted to meet him with COUPS DE POING) and a + couple of AIDES from Paris, and an Italian confectioner, as my OFFICIERS + DE BOUCHE. All which natural appendages to a man of fashion, the odious, + stingy old Tiptoff, my kinsman and neighbour, affected to view with + horror; and he spread through the country a report that I had my victuals + cooked by Papists, lived upon frogs, and, he verily believed, fricasseed + little children. + </p> + <p> + But the squires ate my dinners very readily for all that, and old Doctor + Huff himself was compelled to allow that my venison and turtle were most + orthodox. The former gentry I knew how to conciliate, too, in other ways. + There had been only a subscription pack of fox-hounds in the county and a + few beggarly couples of mangy beagles, with which old Tiptoff pattered + about his grounds; I built a kennel and stables, which cost L30,000, and + stocked them in a manner which was worthy of my ancestors, the Irish + kings. I had two packs of hounds, and took the field in the season four + times a week, with three gentlemen in my hunt-uniform to follow me, and + open house at Hackton for all who belonged to the hunt. + </p> + <p> + These changes and this train de vivre required, as may be supposed, no + small outlay; and I confess that I have little of that base spirit of + economy in my composition which some people practise and admire. For + instance, old Tiptoff was hoarding up his money to repair his father’s + extravagance and disencumber his estates; a good deal of the money with + which he paid off his mortgages my agent procured upon mine. And, besides, + it must be remembered I had only a life-interest upon the Lyndon property, + was always of an easy temper in dealing with the money-brokers, and had to + pay heavily for insuring her Ladyship’s life. + </p> + <p> + At the end of a year Lady Lyndon presented me with a son—Bryan + Lyndon I called him, in compliment to my royal ancestry: but what more had + I to leave him than a noble name? Was not the estate of his mother + entailed upon the odious little Turk, Lord Bullingdon? and whom, by the + way, I have not mentioned as yet, though he was living at Hackton, + consigned to a new governor. The insubordination of that boy was dreadful. + He used to quote passages of ‘Hamlet’ to his mother, which made her very + angry. Once when I took a horsewhip to chastise him, he drew a knife, and + would have stabbed me: and, ‘faith, I recollected my own youth, which was + pretty similar; and, holding out my hand, burst out laughing, and proposed + to him to be friends. We were reconciled for that time, and the next, and + the next; but there was no love lost between us, and his hatred for me + seemed to grow as he grew, which was apace. + </p> + <p> + I determined to endow my darling boy Bryan with a property, and to this + end cut down twelve thousand pounds’ worth of timber on Lady Lyndon’s + Yorkshire and Irish estates: at which proceeding Bullingdon’s guardian, + Tiptoff, cried out, as usual, and swore I had no right to touch a stick of + the trees; but down they went; and I commissioned my mother to repurchase + the ancient lands of Ballybarry and Barryogue, which had once formed part + of the immense possessions of my house. These she bought back with + excellent prudence and extreme joy; for her heart was gladdened at the + idea that a son was born to my name, and with the notion of my magnificent + fortunes. + </p> + <p> + To say truth, I was rather afraid, now that I lived in a very different + sphere from that in which she was accustomed to move, lest she should come + to pay me a visit, and astonish my English friends by her bragging and her + brogue, her rouge and her old hoops and furbelows of the time of George + II.: in which she had figured advantageously in her youth, and which she + still fondly thought to be at the height of the fashion. So I wrote to + her, putting off her visit; begging her to visit us when the left wing of + the castle was finished, or the stables built, and so forth. There was no + need of such precaution. ‘A hint’s enough for me, Redmond,’ the old lady + would reply. ‘I am not coming to disturb you among your great English + friends with my old-fashioned Irish ways. It’s a blessing to me to think + that my darling boy has attained the position which I always knew was his + due, and for which I pinched myself to educate him. You must bring me the + little Bryan, that his grandmother may kiss him, one day. Present my + respectful blessing to her Ladyship his mamma. Tell her she has got a + treasure in her husband, which she couldn’t have had had she taken a duke + to marry her; and that the Barrys and the Bradys, though without titles, + have the best of blood in their veins. I shall never rest until I see you + Earl of Ballybarry, and my grandson Lord Viscount Barryogue.’ + </p> + <p> + How singular it was that the very same ideas should be passing in my + mother’s mind and my own! The very title she had pitched upon had also + been selected (naturally enough) by me; and I don’t mind confessing that I + had filled a dozen sheets of paper with my signature, under the names of + Ballybarry and Barryogue, and had determined with my usual impetuosity to + carry my point. My mother went and established herself at Ballybarry, + living with the priest there until a tenement could be erected, and dating + from ‘Ballybarry Castle;’ which, you may be sure, I gave out to be a place + of no small importance. I had a plan of the estate in my study, both at + Hackton and in Berkeley Square, and the plans of the elevation of + Ballybarry Castle, the ancestral residence of Barry Lyndon, Esq., with the + projected improvements, in which the castle was represented as about the + size of Windsor, with more ornaments to the architecture; and eight + hundred acres of bog falling in handy, I purchased them at three pounds an + acre, so that my estate upon the map looked to be no insignificant one. + [Footnote: On the strength of this estate, and pledging his honour that it + was not mortgaged, Mr. Barry Lyndon borrowed L17,000 in the year 1786, + from young Captain Pigeon, the city merchant’s son, who had just come in + for his property. At for the Polwellan estate and mines, ‘the cause of + endless litigation,’ it must be owned that our hero purchased them; but he + never paid more than the first L5000 of the purchase-money. Hence the + litigation of which he complains, and the famous Chancery suit of + ‘Trecothick v. Lyndon,’ in which Mr. John Scott greatly distinguished + himself.-ED.] + </p> + <p> + I also in this year made arrangements for purchasing the Polwellan estate + and mines in Cornwall from Sir John Trecothick, for L70,000—an + imprudent bargain, which was afterwards the cause to me of much dispute + and litigation. The troubles of property, the rascality of agents, the + quibbles of lawyers, are endless. Humble people envy us great men, and + fancy that our lives are all pleasure. Many a time in the course of my + prosperity I have sighed for the days of my meanest fortune, and envied + the boon companions at my table, with no clothes to their backs but such + as my credit supplied them, without a guinea but what came from my pocket; + but without one of the harassing cares and responsibilities which are the + dismal adjuncts of great rank and property. + </p> + <p> + I did little more than make my appearance, and assume the command of my + estates, in the kingdom of Ireland; rewarding generously those persons who + had been kind to me in my former adversities, and taking my fitting place + among the aristocracy of the land. But, in truth, I had small inducements + to remain in it after having tasted of the genteeler and more complete + pleasures of English and Continental life; and we passed our summers at + Buxton, Bath, and Harrogate, while Hackton Castle was being beautified in + the elegant manner already described by me, and the season at our mansion + in Berkeley Square. + </p> + <p> + It is wonderful how the possession of wealth brings out the virtues of a + man; or, at any rate, acts as a varnish or lustre to them, and brings out + their brilliancy and colour in a manner never known when the individual + stood in the cold grey atmosphere of poverty. I assure you it was a very + short time before I was a pretty fellow of the first class; made no small + sensation at the coffee-houses in Pall Mall and afterwards at the most + famous clubs. My style, equipages, and elegant entertainments were in + everybody’s mouth, and were described in all the morning prints. The + needier part of Lady Lyndon’s relatives, and such as had been offended by + the intolerable pomposity of old Tiptoff, began to appear at our routs and + assemblies; and as for relations of my own, I found in London and Ireland + more than I had ever dreamed of, of cousins who claimed affinity with me. + There were, of course, natives of my own country (of which I was not + particularly proud), and I received visits from three or four swaggering + shabby Temple bucks, with tarnished lace and Tipperary brogue, who were + eating their way to the bar in London; from several gambling adventurers + at the watering-places, whom I soon speedily let to know their place; and + from others of more reputable condition. Among them I may mention my + cousin the Lord Kilbarry, who, on the score of his relationship, borrowed + thirty pieces from me to pay his landlady in Swallow Street; and whom, for + my own reasons, I allowed to maintain and credit a connection for which + the Heralds’ College gave no authority whatsoever. Kilbarry had a cover at + my table; punted at play, and paid when he liked, which was seldom; had an + intimacy with, and was under considerable obligations to, my tailor; and + always boasted of his cousin the great Barry Lyndon of the West country. + </p> + <p> + Her Ladyship and I lived, after a while, pretty separate when in London. + She preferred quiet: or to say the truth, I preferred it; being a great + friend to a modest tranquil behaviour in woman, and a taste for the + domestic pleasures. Hence I encouraged her to dine at home with her + ladies, her chaplain, and a few of her friends; admitted three or four + proper and discreet persons to accompany her to her box at the opera or + play on proper occasions; and indeed declined for her the too frequent + visits of her friends and family, preferring to receive them only twice or + thrice in a season on our grand reception days. Besides, she was a mother, + and had great comfort in the dressing, educating, and dandling our little + Bryan, for whose sake it was fit that she should give up the pleasures and + frivolities of the world; so she left THAT part of the duty of every + family of distinction to be performed by me. To say the truth, Lady + Lyndon’s figure and appearance were not at this time such as to make for + their owner any very brilliant appearance in the fashionable world. She + had grown very fat, was short-sighted, pale in complexion, careless about + her dress, dull in demeanour; her conversations with me characterised by a + stupid despair, or a silly blundering attempt at forced cheerfulness still + more disagreeable: hence our intercourse was but trifling, and my + temptations to carry her into the world, or to remain in her society, of + necessity exceedingly small. She would try my temper at home, too, in a + thousand ways. When requested by me (often, I own, rather roughly) to + entertain the company with conversation, wit, and learning, of which she + was a mistress: or music, of which she was an accomplished performer, she + would as often as not begin to cry, and leave the room. My company from + this, of course, fancied I was a tyrant over her; whereas I was only a + severe and careful guardian over a silly, bad-tempered, and weak-minded + lady. + </p> + <p> + She was luckily very fond of her youngest son, and through him I had a + wholesome and effectual hold of her; for if in any of her tantrums or fits + of haughtiness—(this woman was intolerably proud; and repeatedly, at + first, in our quarrels, dared to twit me with my own original poverty and + low birth),—if, I say, in our disputes she pretended to have the + upper hand, to assert her authority against mine, to refuse to sign such + papers as I might think necessary for the distribution of our large and + complicated property, I would have Master Bryan carried off to Chiswick + for a couple of days; and I warrant me his lady-mother could hold out no + longer, and would agree to anything I chose to propose. The servants about + her I took care should be in my pay, not hers: especially the child’s head + nurse was under MY orders, not those of my lady; and a very handsome, + red-cheeked, impudent jade she was; and a great fool she made me make of + myself. This woman was more mistress of the house than the poor-spirited + lady who owned it. She gave the law to the servants; and if I showed any + particular attention to any of the ladies who visited us, the slut would + not scruple to show her jealousy, and to find means to send them packing. + The fact is, a generous man is always made a fool of by some woman or + other, and this one had such an influence over me that she could turn me + round her finger. [Footnote: From these curious confessions, it would + appear that Mr. Lyndon maltreated his lady in every possible way; that he + denied her society, bullied her into signing away her property, spent it + in gambling and taverns, was openly unfaithful to her; and, when she + complained, threatened to remove her children from her. Nor, indeed, is he + the only husband who has done the like, and has passed for ‘nobody’s enemy + but his own:’ a jovial good-natured fellow. The world contains scores of + such amiable people; and, indeed, it is because justice has not been done + them that we have edited this autobiography. Had it been that of a mere + hero of romance—one of those heroic youths who figure in the novels + of Scott and James—there would have been no call to introduce the + reader to a personage already so often and so charmingly depicted. Mr. + Barry Lyndon is not, we repeat, a hero of the common pattern; but let the + reader look round, and ask himself, Do not as many rogues succeed in life + as honest men? more fools than men of talent? And is it not just that the + lives of this class should be described by the student of human nature as + well as the actions of those fairy-tale princes, those perfect impossible + heroes, whom our writers love to describe? There is something naive and + simple in that time-honoured style of novel-writing by which Prince + Prettyman, at the end of his adventures, is put in possession of every + worldly prosperity, as he has been endowed with every mental and bodily + excellence previously. The novelist thinks that he can do no more for his + darling hero than make him a lord. Is it not a poor standard that, of the + summum bonum? The greatest good in life is not to be a lord; perhaps not + even to be happy. Poverty, illness, a humpback, may be rewards and + conditions of good, as well as that bodily prosperity which all of us + unconsciously set up for worship. But this is a subject for an essay, not + a note; and it is best to allow Mr. Lyndon to resume the candid and + ingenious narrative of his virtues and defects.] + </p> + <p> + Her infernal temper (Mrs. Stammer was the jade’s name) and my wife’s moody + despondency, made my house and home not over-pleasant: hence I was driven + a good deal abroad, where, as play was the fashion at every club, tavern, + and assembly, I, of course, was obliged to resume my old habit, and to + commence as an amateur those games at which I was once unrivalled in + Europe. But whether a man’s temper changes with prosperity, or his skill + leaves him when, deprived of a confederate, and pursuing the game no + longer professionally, he joins in it, like the rest of the world, for + pastime, I know not; but certain it is, that in the seasons of 1774-75 I + lost much money at ‘White’s’ and the ‘Cocoa-Tree,’ and was compelled to + meet my losses by borrowing largely upon my wife’s annuities, insuring her + Ladyship’s life, and so forth. The terms at which I raised these necessary + sums and the outlays requisite for my improvements were, of course, very + onerous, and clipped the property considerably; and it was some of these + papers which my Lady Lyndon (who was of a narrow, timid, and stingy turn) + occasionally refused to sign: until I PERSUADED her, as I have before + shown. + </p> + <p> + My dealings on the turf ought to be mentioned, as forming part of my + history at this time; but, in truth, I have no particular pleasure in + recalling my Newmarket doings. I was infernally bit and bubbled in almost + every one of my transactions there; and though I could ride a horse as + well as any man in England, was no match with the English noblemen at + backing him. Fifteen years after my horse, Bay Bulow, by Sophy Hardcastle, + out of Eclipse, lost the Newmarket stakes, for which he was the first + favourite, I found that a noble earl, who shall be nameless, had got into + his stable the morning before he ran; and the consequence was that an + outside horse won, and your humble servant was out to the amount of + fifteen thousand pounds. Strangers had no chance in those days on the + heath: and, though dazzled by the splendour and fashion assembled there, + and surrounded by the greatest persons of the land,—the royal dukes, + with their wives and splendid equipages; old Grafton, with his queer bevy + of company, and such men as Ancaster, Sandwich, Lorn,—a man might + have considered himself certain of fair play and have been not a little + proud of the society he kept; yet, I promise you, that, exalted as it was, + there was no set of men in Europe who knew how to rob more genteelly, to + bubble a stranger, to bribe a jockey, to doctor a horse, or to arrange a + betting-book. Even <i>I</i> couldn’t stand against these accomplished + gamesters of the highest families in Europe. Was it my own want of style, + or my want of fortune? I know not. But now I was arrived at the height of + my ambition, both my skill and my luck seemed to be deserting me. + Everything I touched crumbled in my hand; every speculation I had failed, + every agent I trusted deceived me. I am, indeed, one of those born to + make, and not to keep fortunes; for the qualities and energy which lead a + man to effect the first are often the very causes of his ruin in the + latter case: indeed, I know of no other reason for the misfortunes which + finally befell me. [Footnote: The Memoirs seem to have been written about + the year 1814, in that calm retreat which Fortune had selected for the + author at the close of his life.] + </p> + <p> + I had always a taste for men of letters, and perhaps, if the truth must be + told, have no objection to playing the fine gentleman and patron among the + wits. Such people are usually needy, and of low birth, and have an + instinctive awe and love of a gentleman and a laced coat; as all must have + remarked who have frequented their society. Mr. Reynolds, who was + afterwards knighted, and certainly the most elegant painter of his day, + was a pretty dexterous courtier of the wit tribe; and it was through this + gentleman, who painted a piece of me, Lady Lyndon, and our little Bryan, + which was greatly admired at the Exhibition (I was represented as quitting + my wife, in the costume of the Tippleton Yeomanry, of which I was major; + the child starting back from my helmet like what-d’ye-call’im—Hector’s + son, as described by Mr. Pope in his ‘Iliad’); it was through Mr. Reynolds + that I was introduced to a score of these gentlemen, and their great + chief, Mr. Johnson. I always thought their great chief a great bear. He + drank tea twice or thrice at my house, misbehaving himself most grossly; + treating my opinions with no more respect than those of a schoolboy, and + telling me to mind my horses and tailors, and not trouble myself about + letters. His Scotch bear-leader, Mr. Boswell, was a butt of the first + quality. I never saw such a figure as the fellow cut in what he called a + Corsican habit, at one of Mrs. Cornely’s balls, at Carlisle House, Soho. + But that the stories connected with that same establishment are not the + most profitable tales in the world, I could tell tales of scores of queer + doings there. All the high and low demireps of the town gathered there, + from his Grace of Ancaster down to my countryman, poor Mr. Oliver Goldsmith + the poet, and from the Duchess of Kingston down to the Bird of Paradise, + or Kitty Fisher. Here I have met very queer characters, who came to queer + ends too: poor Hackman, that afterwards was hanged for killing Miss Reay, + and (on the sly) his Reverence Doctor Simony, whom my friend Sam Foote, of + the ‘Little Theatre,’ bade to live even after forgery and the rope cut + short the unlucky parson’s career. + </p> + <p> + It was a merry place, London, in those days, and that’s the truth. I’m + writing now in my gouty old age, and people have grown vastly more moral + and matter-of-fact than they were at the close of the last century, when + the world was young with me. There was a difference between a gentleman + and a common fellow in those times. We wore silk and embroidery then. Now + every man has the same coachmanlike look in his belcher and caped coat, + and there is no outward difference between my Lord and his groom. Then it + took a man of fashion a couple of hours to make his toilette, and he could + show some taste and genius in the selecting it. What a blaze of splendour + was a drawing-room, or an opera, of a gala night! What sums of money were + lost and won at the delicious faro-table! My gilt curricle and out-riders, + blazing in green and gold, were very different objects from the equipages + you see nowadays in the ring, with the stunted grooms behind them. A man + could drink four times as much as the milksops nowadays can swallow; but + ‘tis useless expatiating on this theme. Gentlemen are dead and gone. The + fashion has now turned upon your soldiers and sailors, and I grow quite + moody and sad when I think of thirty years ago. + </p> + <p> + This is a chapter devoted to reminiscences of what was a very happy and + splendid time with me, but presenting little of mark in the way of + adventure; as is generally the case when times are happy and easy. It + would seem idle to fill pages with accounts of the every-day occupations + of a man of fashion,—the fair ladies who smiled upon him, the + dresses he wore, the matches he played, and won or lost. At this period of + time, when youngsters are employed cutting the Frenchmen’s throats in + Spain and France, lying out in bivouacs, and feeding off commissariat beef + and biscuit, they would not understand what a life their ancestors led; + and so I shall leave further discourse upon the pleasures of the times + when even the Prince was a lad in leading-strings, when Charles Fox had + not subsided into a mere statesman, and Buonaparte was a beggarly brat in + his native island. + </p> + <p> + Whilst these improvements were going on in my estates,—my house, + from an antique Norman castle, being changed to an elegant Greek temple, + or palace—my gardens and woods losing their rustic appearance to be + adapted to the most genteel French style—my child growing up at his + mother’s knees, and my influence in the country increasing,—it must + not be imagined that I stayed in Devonshire all this while, and that I + neglected to make visits to London, and my various estates in England and + Ireland. + </p> + <p> + I went to reside at the Trecothick estate and the Polwellan Wheal, where I + found, instead of profit, every kind of pettifogging chicanery; I passed + over in state to our territories in Ireland, where I entertained the + gentry in a style the Lord Lieutenant himself could not equal; gave the + fashion to Dublin (to be sure it was a beggarly savage city in those days; + and, since the time there has been a pother about the Union, and the + misfortunes attending it, I have been at a loss to account for the mad + praises of the old order of things, which the fond Irish patriots have + invented); I say I set the fashion to Dublin; and small praise to me, for + a poor place it was in those times, whatever the Irish party may say. + </p> + <p> + In a former chapter I have given you a description of it. It was the + Warsaw of our part of the world: there was a splendid, ruined, + half-civilised nobility, ruling over a half-savage population. I say + half-savage advisedly. The commonalty in the streets were wild, unshorn, + and in rags. The most public places were not safe after nightfall. The + College, the public buildings, and the great gentry’s houses were splendid + (the latter unfinished for the most part); but the people were in a state + more wretched than any vulgar I have ever known: the exercise of their + religion was only half allowed to them; their clergy were forced to be + educated out of the country; their aristocracy was quite distinct from + them; there was a Protestant nobility, and in the towns, poor insolent + Protestant corporations, with a bankrupt retinue of mayors, aldermen, and + municipal officers—all of whom figured in addresses and had the + public voice in the country; but there was no sympathy and connection + between the upper and the lower people of the Irish. To one who had been + bred so much abroad as myself, this difference between Catholic and + Protestant was doubly striking; and though as firm as a rock in my own + faith, yet I could not help remembering my grandfather held a different + one, and wondering that there should be such a political difference + between the two. I passed among my neighbours for a dangerous leveller, + for entertaining and expressing such opinions, and especially for asking + the priest of the parish to my table at Castle Lyndon. He was a gentleman, + educated at Salamanca, and, to my mind, a far better bred and more + agreeable companion than his comrade the rector, who had but a dozen + Protestants for his congregation; who was a lord’s son, to be sure, but he + could hardly spell, and the great field of his labours was in the kennel + and cockpit. + </p> + <p> + I did not extend and beautify the house of Castle Lyndon as I had done our + other estates, but contented myself with paying an occasional visit there; + exercising an almost royal hospitality, and keeping open house during my + stay. When absent, I gave to my aunt, the widow Brady, and her six + unmarried daughters (although they always detested me), permission to + inhabit the place; my mother preferring my new mansion of Barryogue. + </p> + <p> + And as my Lord Bullingdon was by this time grown excessively tall and + troublesome, I determined to leave him under the care of a proper governor + in Ireland, with Mrs. Brady and her six daughters to take care of him; and + he was welcome to fall in love with all the old ladies if he were so + minded, and thereby imitate his stepfather’s example. When tired of Castle + Lyndon, his Lordship was at liberty to go and reside at my house with my + mamma; but there was no love lost between him and her, and, on account of + my son Bryan, I think she hated him as cordially as ever I myself could + possibly do. + </p> + <p> + The county of Devon is not so lucky as the neighbouring county of + Cornwall, and has not the share of representatives which the latter + possesses; where I have known a moderate country gentleman, with a few + score of hundreds per annum from his estate, treble his income by + returning three or four Members to Parliament, and by the influence with + Ministers which these seats gave him. The parliamentary interest of the + house of Lyndon had been grossly neglected during my wife’s minority, and + the incapacity of the Earl her father; or, to speak more correctly, it had + been smuggled away from the Lyndon family altogether by the adroit old + hypocrite of Tiptoff Castle, who acted as most kinsmen and guardians do by + their wards and relatives, and robbed them. The Marquess of Tiptoff + returned four Members to Parliament: two for the borough of Tippleton, + which, as all the world knows, lies at the foot of our estate of Hackton, + bounded on the other side by Tiptoff Park. For time out of mind we had + sent Members for that borough, until Tiptoff, taking advantage of the late + lord’s imbecility, put in his own nominees. When his eldest son became of + age, of course my Lord was to take his seat for Tippleton; when Rigby + (Nabob Rigby, who made his fortune under Clive in India) died, the + Marquess thought fit to bring down his second son, my Lord George + Poynings, to whom I have introduced the reader in a former chapter, and + determined, in his high mightiness, that he too should go in and swell the + ranks of the Opposition—the big old Whigs, with whom the Marquess + acted. + </p> + <p> + Rigby had been for some time in an ailing condition previous to his + demise, and you may be sure that the circumstance of his failing health + had not been passed over by the gentry of the county, who were staunch + Government men for the most part, and hated my Lord Tiptoff’s principles + as dangerous and ruinous, ‘We have been looking out for a man to fight + against him,’ said the squires to me; ‘we can only match Tiptoff out of + Hackton Castle. You, Mr. Lyndon, are our man, and at the next county + election we will swear to bring you in.’ + </p> + <p> + I hated the Tiptoffs so, that I would have fought them at any election. + They not only would not visit at Hackton, but declined to receive those + who visited us; they kept the women of the county from receiving my wife: + they invented half the wild stories of my profligacy and extravagance with + which the neighbourhood was entertained; they said I had frightened my + wife into marriage, and that she was a lost woman; they hinted that + Bullingdon’s life was not secure under my roof, that his treatment was + odious, and that I wanted to put him out of the way to make place for + Bryan my son. I could scarce have a friend to Hackton, but they counted + the bottles drunk at my table. They ferreted out my dealings with my + lawyers and agents. If a creditor was unpaid, every item of his bill was + known at Tiptoff Hall; if I looked at a farmer’s daughter, it was said I + had ruined her. My faults are many, I confess, and as a domestic + character, I can’t boast of any particular regularity or temper; but Lady + Lyndon and I did not quarrel more than fashionable people do, and, at + first, we always used to make it up pretty well. I am a man full of + errors, certainly, but not the devil that these odious backbiters at + Tiptoff represented me to be. For the first three years I never struck my + wife but when I was in liquor. When I flung the carving-knife at + Bullingdon I was drunk, as everybody present can testify; but as for + having any systematic scheme against the poor lad, I can declare solemnly + that, beyond merely hating him (and one’s inclinations are not in one’s + power), I am guilty of no evil towards him. + </p> + <p> + I had sufficient motives, then, for enmity against the Tiptoffs, and am + not a man to let a feeling of that kind lie inactive. Though a Whig, or, + perhaps, because a Whig, the Marquess was one of the haughtiest men + breathing, and treated commoners as his idol the great Earl used to treat + them—after he came to a coronet himself—as so many low + vassals, who might be proud to lick his shoe-buckle. When the Tippleton + mayor and corporation waited upon him, he received them covered, never + offered Mr. Mayor a chair, but retired when the refreshments were brought, + or had them served to the worshipful aldermen in the steward’s room. These + honest Britons never rebelled against such treatment, until instructed to + do so by my patriotism. No, the dogs liked to be bullied; and, in the + course of a long experience, I have met with but very few Englishmen who + are not of their way of thinking. + </p> + <p> + It was not until I opened their eyes that they knew their degradation. I + invited the Mayor to Hackton, and Mrs. Mayoress (a very buxom pretty + groceress she was, by the way) I made sit by my wife, and drove them both + out to the races in my curricle. Lady Lyndon fought very hard against this + condescension; but I had a way with her, as the saying is, and though she + had a temper, yet I had a better one. A temper, psha! A wild-cat has a + temper, but a keeper can get the better of it; and I know very few women + in the world whom I could not master. + </p> + <p> + Well, I made much of the mayor and corporation; sent them bucks for their + dinners, or asked them to mine; made a point of attending their + assemblies, dancing with their wives and daughters, going through, in + short, all the acts of politeness which are necessary on such occasions: + and though old Tiptoff must have seen my goings on, yet his head was so + much in the clouds, that he never once condescended to imagine his dynasty + could be overthrown in his own town of Tippleton, and issued his mandates + as securely as if he had been the Grand Turk, and the Tippletonians no + better than so many slaves of his will. + </p> + <p> + Every post which brought us any account of Rigby’s increasing illness, was + the sure occasion of a dinner from me; so much so, that my friends of the + hunt used to laugh and say, ‘Rigby’s worse; there’s a corporation dinner + at Hackton.’ + </p> + <p> + It was in 1776, when the American war broke out, that I came into + Parliament. My Lord Chatham, whose wisdom his party in those days used to + call superhuman, raised his oracular voice in the House of Peers against + the American contest; and my countryman, Mr. Burke—a great + philosopher, but a plaguy long-winded orator—was the champion of the + rebels in the Commons—where, however, thanks to British patriotism, + he could get very few to back him. Old Tiptoff would have sworn black was + white if the great Earl had bidden him; and he made his son give up his + commission in the Guards, in imitation of my Lord Pitt, who resigned his + ensigncy rather than fight against what he called his American brethren. + </p> + <p> + But this was a height of patriotism extremely little relished in England, + where, ever since the breaking out of hostilities, our people hated the + Americans heartily; and where, when we heard of the fight of Lexington, + and the glorious victory of Bunker’s Hill (as we used to call it in those + days), the nation flushed out in its usual hot-headed anger. The talk was + all against the philosophers after that, and the people were most + indomitably loyal. It was not until the land-tax was increased, that the + gentry began to grumble a little; but still my party in the West was very + strong against the Tiptoffs, and I determined to take the field and win as + usual. + </p> + <p> + The old Marquess neglected every one of the decent precautions which are + requisite in a parliamentary campaign. He signified to the corporation and + freeholders his intention of presenting his son, Lord George, and his + desire that the latter should be elected their burgess; but he scarcely + gave so much as a glass of beer to whet the devotedness of his adherents: + and I, as I need not say, engaged every tavern in Tippleton in my behalf. + </p> + <p> + There is no need to go over the twenty-times-told tale of an election. I + rescued the borough of Tippleton from the hands of Lord Tiptoff and his + son, Lord George. I had a savage sort of satisfaction, too, in forcing my + wife (who had been at one time exceedingly smitten by her kinsman, as I + have already related) to take part against him, and to wear and distribute + my colours when the day of election came. And when we spoke at one + another, I told the crowd that I had beaten Lord George in love, that I + had beaten him in war, and that I would now beat him in Parliament; and so + I did, as the event proved: for, to the inexpressible anger of the old + Marquess, Barry Lyndon, Esquire, was returned member of Parliament for + Tippleton, in place of John Rigby, Esquire, deceased; and I threatened him + at the next election to turn him out of BOTH his seats, and went to attend + my duties in Parliament. + </p> + <p> + It was then I seriously determined on achieving for myself the Irish + peerage, to be enjoyed after me by my beloved son and heir. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0018" id="link2HCH0018"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVIII. MY GOOD FORTUNE BEGINS TO WAVER + </h2> + <p> + And now, if any people should be disposed to think my history immoral (for + I have heard some assert that I was a man who never deserved that so much + prosperity should fall to my share), I will beg those cavillers to do me + the favour to read the conclusion of my adventures; when they will see it + was no such great prize that I had won, and that wealth, splendour, thirty + thousand per annum, and a seat in Parliament, are often purchased at too + dear a rate, when one has to buy those enjoyments at the price of personal + liberty, and saddled with the charge of a troublesome wife. + </p> + <p> + They are the deuce, these troublesome wives, and that is the truth. No man + knows until he tries how wearisome and disheartening the burthen of one of + them is, and how the annoyance grows and strengthens from year to year, + and the courage becomes weaker to bear it; so that that trouble which + seemed light and trivial the first year, becomes intolerable ten years + after. I have heard of one of the classical fellows in the dictionary who + began by carrying a calf up a hill every day, and so continued until the + animal grew to be a bull, which he still easily accommodated upon his + shoulders; but take my word for it, young unmarried gentlemen, a wife is a + very much harder pack to the back than the biggest heifer in Smithfield + and, if I can prevent one of you from marrying, the ‘Memoirs of Barry + Lyndon, Esq.’ will not be written in vain. Not that my Lady was a scold or + a shrew, as some wives are; I could have managed to have cured her of + that; but she was of a cowardly, crying, melancholy, maudlin temper, which + is to me still more odious: do what one would to please her, she would + never be happy or in good-humour. I left her alone after a while; and + because, as was natural in my case, where a disagreeable home obliged me + to seek amusement and companions abroad, she added a mean detestable + jealousy to all her other faults: I could not for some time pay the + commonest attention to any other woman, but my Lady Lyndon must weep, and + wring her hands, and threaten to commit suicide, and I know not what. + </p> + <p> + Her death would have been no comfort to me, as I leave any person of + common prudence to imagine; for that scoundrel of a young Bullingdon (who + was now growing up a tall, gawky, swarthy lad, and about to become my + greatest plague and annoyance) would have inherited every penny of the + property, and I should have been left considerably poorer even than when I + married the widow: for I spent my personal fortune as well as the lady’s + income in the keeping up of our rank, and was always too much a man of + honour and spirit to save a penny of Lady Lyndon’s income. Let this be + flung in the teeth of my detractors, who say I never could have so injured + the Lyndon property had I not been making a private purse for myself; and + who believe that, even in my present painful situation, I have hoards of + gold laid by somewhere, and could come out as a Croesus when I choose. I + never raised a shilling upon Lady Lyndon’s property but I spent it like a + man of honour; besides incurring numberless personal obligations for + money, which all went to the common stock. Independent of the Lyndon + mortgages and incumbrances, I owe myself at least one hundred and twenty + thousand pounds, which I spent while in occupancy of my wife’s estate; so + that I may justly say that property is indebted to me in the + above-mentioned sum. + </p> + <p> + Although I have described the utter disgust and distaste which speedily + took possession of my breast as regarded Lady Lyndon; and although I took + no particular pains (for I am all frankness and above-board) to disguise + my feelings in general, yet she was of such a mean spirit, that she + pursued me with her regard in spite of my indifference to her, and would + kindle up at the smallest kind word I spoke to her. The fact is, between + my respected reader and myself, that I was one of the handsomest and most + dashing young men of England in those days, and my wife was violently in + love with me; and though I say it who shouldn’t, as the phrase goes, my + wife was not the only woman of rank in London who had a favourable opinion + of the humble Irish adventurer. What a riddle these women are, I have + often thought! I have seen the most elegant creatures at St. James’s grow + wild for love of the coarsest and most vulgar of men; the cleverest women + passionately admire the most illiterate of our sex, and so on. There is no + end to the contrariety in the foolish creatures; and though I don’t mean + to hint that <i>I</i> am vulgar or illiterate, as the persons mentioned + above (I would cut the throat of any man who dared to whisper a word + against my birth or my breeding), yet I have shown that Lady Lyndon had + plenty of reason to dislike me if she chose: but, like the rest of her + silly sex, she was governed by infatuation, not reason; and, up to the + very last day of our being together, would be reconciled to me, and fondle + me, if I addressed her a single kind word. + </p> + <p> + ‘Ah,’ she would say, in these moments of tenderness—‘Ah, REDMOND, if + you would always be so!’ And in these fits of love she was the most easy + creature in the world to be persuaded, and would have signed away her + whole property, had it been possible. And, I must confess, it was with + very little attention on my part that I could bring her into good-humour. + To walk with her on the Mall, or at Ranelagh, to attend her to church at + St. James’s, to purchase any little present or trinket for her, was enough + to coax her. Such is female inconsistency! The next day she would be + calling me ‘Mr. Barry’ probably, and be bemoaning her miserable fate that + she ever should have been united to such a monster. So it was she was + pleased to call one of the most brilliant men in His Majesty’s three + kingdoms: and I warrant me OTHER ladies had a much more flattering opinion + of me. + </p> + <p> + Then she would threaten to leave me; but I had a hold of her in the person + of her son, of whom she was passionately fond: I don’t know why, for she + had always neglected Bullingdon her older son, and never bestowed a + thought upon his health, his welfare, or his education. + </p> + <p> + It was our young boy, then, who formed the great bond of union between me + and her Ladyship; and there was no plan of ambition I could propose in + which she would not join for the poor lad’s behoof, and no expense she + would not eagerly incur, if it might by any means be shown to tend to his + advancement. I can tell you, bribes were administered, and in high places + too,—so near the royal person of His Majesty, that you would be + astonished were I to mention what great personages condescended to receive + our loans. I got from the English and Irish heralds a description and + detailed pedigree of the Barony of Barryogue, and claimed respectfully to + be reinstated in my ancestral titles, and also to be rewarded with the + Viscounty of Ballybarry. ‘This head would become a coronet,’ my Lady would + sometimes say, in her fond moments, smoothing down my hair; and, indeed, + there is many a puny whipster in their Lordships’ house who has neither my + presence nor my courage, my pedigree, nor any of my merits. + </p> + <p> + The striving after this peerage I considered to have been one of the most + unlucky of all my unlucky dealings at this period. I made unheard-of + sacrifices to bring it about. I lavished money here and diamonds there. I + bought lands at ten times their value; purchased pictures and articles of + vertu at ruinous prices. I gave repeated entertainments to those friends + to my claims who, being about the Royal person, were likely to advance it. + I lost many a bet to the Royal Dukes His Majesty’s brothers; but let these + matters be forgotten, and, because of my private injuries, let me not be + deficient in loyalty to my Sovereign. + </p> + <p> + The only person in this transaction whom I shall mention openly, is that + old scamp and swindler, Gustavus Adolphus, thirteenth Earl of Crabs. This + nobleman was one of the gentlemen of His Majesty’s closet, and one with + whom the revered monarch was on terms of considerable intimacy. A close + regard had sprung up between them in the old King’s time; when His Royal + Highness, playing at battledore and shuttlecock with the young lord on the + landing-place of the great staircase at Kew, in some moment of irritation + the Prince of Wales kicked the young Earl downstairs, who, falling, broke + his leg. The Prince’s hearty repentance for his violence caused him to + ally himself closely with the person whom he had injured; and when His + Majesty came to the throne there was no man, it is said, of whom the Earl + of Bute was so jealous as of my Lord Crabs. The latter was poor and + extravagant, and Bute got him out of the way, by sending him on the + Russian and other embassies; but on this favourite’s dismissal, Crabs sped + back from the Continent, and was appointed almost immediately to a place + about His Majesty’s person. + </p> + <p> + It was with this disreputable nobleman that I contracted an unluckly + intimacy; when, fresh and unsuspecting, I first established myself in + town, after my marriage with Lady Lyndon: and, as Crabs was really one of + the most entertaining fellows in the world, I took a sincere pleasure in + his company; besides the interesting desire I had in cultivating the + society of a man who was so near the person of the highest personage in + the realm. + </p> + <p> + To hear the fellow, you would fancy that there was scarce any appointment + made in which he had not a share. He told me, for instance, of Charles Fox + being turned out of his place a day before poor Charley himself was aware + of the fact. He told me when the Howes were coming back from America, and + who was to succeed to the command there. Not to multiply instances, it was + upon this person that I fixed my chief reliance for the advancement of my + claim to the Barony of Barryogue and the Viscounty which I proposed to + get. + </p> + <p> + One of the main causes of expense which this ambition of mine entailed + upon me was the fitting out and arming a company of infantry from the + Castle Lyndon and Hackton estates in Ireland, which I offered to my + gracious Sovereign for the campaign against the American rebels. These + troops, superbly equipped and clothed, were embarked at Portsmouth in the + year 1778; and the patriotism of the gentleman who had raised them was so + acceptable at Court, that, on being presented by my Lord North, His + Majesty condescended to notice me particularly, and said, ‘That’s right, + Mr. Lyndon, raise another company; and go with them, too!’ But this was by + no means, as the reader may suppose, to my notions. A man with thirty + thousand pounds per annum is a fool to risk his life like a common beggar: + and on this account I have always admired the conduct of my friend Jack + Bolter, who had been a most active and resolute cornet of horse, and, as + such, engaged in every scrape and skirmish which could fall to his lot; + but just before the battle of Minden he received news that his uncle, the + great army contractor, was dead, and had left him five thousand per annum. + Jack that instant applied for leave; and, as it was refused him on the eve + of a general action, my gentleman took it, and never fired a pistol again: + except against an officer who questioned his courage, and whom he winged + in such a cool and determined manner, as showed all the world that it was + from prudence and a desire of enjoying his money, not from cowardice, that + he quitted the profession of arms. + </p> + <p> + When this Hackton company was raised, my stepson, who was now sixteen + years of age, was most eager to be allowed to join it, and I would have + gladly consented to have been rid of the young man; but his guardian, Lord + Tiptoff, who thwarted me in everything, refused his permission, and the + lad’s military inclinations were balked. If he could have gone on the + expedition, and a rebel rifle had put an end to him, I believe, to tell + the truth, I should not have been grieved over-much; and I should have had + the pleasure of seeing my other son the heir to the estate which his + father had won with so much pains. + </p> + <p> + The education of this young nobleman had been, I confess, some of the + loosest; and perhaps the truth is, I DID neglect the brat. He was of so + wild, savage, and insubordinate a nature, that I never had the least + regard for him; and before me and his mother, at least, was so moody and + dull, that I thought instruction thrown away upon him, and left him for + the most part to shift for himself. For two whole years he remained in + Ireland away from us; and when in England, we kept him mainly at Hackton, + never caring to have the uncouth ungainly lad in the genteel company in + the capital in which we naturally mingled. My own poor boy, on the + contrary, was the most polite and engaging child ever seen: it was a + pleasure to treat him with kindness and distinction; and before he was + five years old, the little fellow was the pink of fashion, beauty, and + good breeding. + </p> + <p> + In fact he could not have been otherwise, with the care both his parents + bestowed upon him, and the attentions that were lavished upon him in every + way. When he was four years old, I quarrelled with the English nurse who + had attended upon him, and about whom my wife had been so jealous, and + procured for him a French gouvernante, who had lived with families of the + first quality in Paris; and who, of course, must set my Lady Lyndon + jealous too. Under the care of this young woman my little rogue learned to + chatter French most charmingly. It would have done your heart good to hear + the dear rascal swear Mort de ma vie! and to see him stamp his little + foot, and send the manants and canaille of the domestics to the trente + mille diables. He was precocious in all things: at a very early age he + would mimic everybody; at five, he would sit at table, and drink his glass + of champagne with the best of us; and his nurse would teach him little + French catches, and the last Parisian songs of Vade and Collard,—pretty + songs they were too; and would make such of his hearers as understood + French burst with laughing, and, I promise you, scandalise some of the old + dowagers who were admitted into the society of his mamma: not that there + were many of them; for I did not encourage the visits of what you call + respectable people to Lady Lyndon. They are sad spoilers of sport,—tale-bearers, + envious narrow-minded people; making mischief between man and wife. + Whenever any of these grave personages in hoops and high heels used to + make their appearance at Hackton, or in Berkeley Square, it was my chief + pleasure to frighten them off; and I would make my little Bryan dance, + sing, and play the diable a quatre, and aid him myself, so as to scare the + old frumps. + </p> + <p> + I never shall forget the solemn remonstrances of our old square-toes of a + rector at Hackton, who made one or two vain attempts to teach little Bryan + Latin, and with whose innumerable children I sometimes allowed the boy to + associate. They learned some of Bryan’s French songs from him, which their + mother, a poor soul who understood pickles and custards much better than + French, used fondly to encourage them in singing; but which their father + one day hearing, he sent Miss Sarah to her bedroom and bread and water for + a week, and solemnly horsed Master Jacob in the presence of all his + brothers and sisters, and of Bryan, to whom he hoped that flogging would + act as a warning. But my little rogue kicked and plunged at the old + parson’s shins until he was obliged to get his sexton to hold him down, + and swore, corbleu, morbleu, ventrebleu, that his young friend Jacob + should not be maltreated. After this scene, his reverence forbade Bryan + the rectory-house; on which I swore that his eldest son, who was bringing + up for the ministry, should never have the succession of the living of + Hackton, which I had thoughts of bestowing on him; and his father said, + with a canting hypocritical air, which I hate, that Heaven’s will must be + done; that he would not have his children disobedient or corrupted for the + sake of a bishopric, and wrote me a pompous and solemn letter, charged + with Latin quotations, taking farewell of me and my house. ‘I do so with + regret,’ added the old gentleman, ‘for I have received so many kindnesses + from the Hackton family that it goes to my heart to be disunited from + them. My poor, I fear, may suffer in consequence of my separation from + you, and my being hence-forward unable to bring to your notice instances + of distress and affliction; which, when they were known to you, I will do + you the justice to say, your generosity was always prompt to relieve.’ + </p> + <p> + There may have been some truth in this, for the old gentleman was + perpetually pestering me with petitions, and I know for a certainty, from + his own charities, was often without a shilling in his pocket; but I + suspect the good dinners at Hackton had a considerable share in causing + his regrets at the dissolution of our intimacy: and I know that his wife + was quite sorry to forego the acquaintance of Bryan’s gouvernante, + Mademoiselle Louison, who had all the newest French fashions at her + fingers’ ends, and who never went to the rectory but you would see the + girls of the family turn out in new sacks or mantles the Sunday after. + </p> + <p> + I used to punish the old rebel by snoring very loud in my pew on Sundays + during sermon-time; and I got a governor presently for Bryan, and a + chaplain of my own, when he became of age sufficient to be separated from + the women’s society and guardianship. His English nurse I married to my + head gardener, with a handsome portion; his French gouvernante I bestowed + upon my faithful German Fritz, not forgetting the dowry in the latter + instance; and they set up a French dining-house in Soho, and I believe at + the time I write they are richer in the world’s goods than their generous + and free-handed master. + </p> + <p> + For Bryan I now got a young gentleman from Oxford, the Rev. Edmund + Lavender, who was commissioned to teach him Latin, when the boy was in the + humour, and to ground him in history, grammar, and the other + qualifications of a gentleman. Lavender was a precious addition to our + society at Hackton. He was the means of making a deal of fun there. He was + the butt of all our jokes, and bore them with the most admirable and + martyrlike patience. He was one of that sort of men who would rather be + kicked by a great man than not be noticed by him; and I have often put his + wig into the fire in the face of the company, when he would laugh at the + joke as well as any man there. It was a delight to put him on a + high-mettled horse, and send him after the hounds,—pale, sweating, + calling on us, for Heaven’s sake, to stop, and holding on for dear life by + the mane and the crupper. How it happened that the fellow was never killed + I know not; but I suppose hanging is the way in which HIS neck will be + broke. He never met with any accident, to speak of, in our + hunting-matches: but you were pretty sure to find him at dinner in his + place at the bottom of the table making the punch, whence he would be + carried off fuddled to bed before the night was over. Many a time have + Bryan and I painted his face black on those occasions. We put him into a + haunted room, and frightened his soul out of his body with ghosts; we let + loose cargoes of rats upon his bed; we cried fire, and filled his boots + with water; we cut the legs of his preaching-chair, and filled his + sermon-book with snuff. Poor Lavender bore it all with patience; and at + our parties, or when we came to London, was amply repaid by being allowed + to sit with the gentlefolks, and to fancy himself in the society of men of + fashion. It was good to hear the contempt with which he talked about our + rector. ‘He has a son, sir, who is a servitor: and a servitor at a small + college,’ he would say. ‘How COULD you, my dear sir, think of giving the + reversion of Hackton to such a low-bred creature?’ + </p> + <p> + I should now speak of my other son, at least my Lady Lyndon’s: I mean the + Viscount Bullingdon. I kept him in Ireland for some years, under the + guardianship of my mother, whom I had installed at Castle Lyndon; and + great, I promise you, was her state in that occupation, and prodigious the + good soul’s splendour and haughty bearing. With all her oddities, the + Castle Lyndon estate was the best managed of all our possessions; the + rents were excellently paid, the charges of getting them in smaller than + they would have been under the management of any steward. It was + astonishing what small expenses the good widow incurred; although she kept + up the dignity of the TWO families, as she would say. She had a set of + domestics to attend upon the young lord; she never went out herself but in + an old gilt coach and six; the house was kept clean and tight; the + furniture and gardens in the best repair; and, in our occasional visits to + Ireland, we never found any house we visited in such good condition as our + own. There were a score of ready serving-lasses, and half as many trim men + about the castle; and everything in as fine condition as the best + housekeeper could make it. All this she did with scarcely any charges to + us: for she fed sheep and cattle in the parks, and made a handsome profit + of them at Ballinasloe; she supplied I don’t know how many towns with + butter and bacon; and the fruit and vegetables from the gardens of Castle + Lyndon got the highest prices in Dublin market. She had no waste in the + kitchen, as there used to be in most of our Irish houses; and there was no + consumption of liquor in the cellars, for the old lady drank water, and + saw little or no company. All her society was a couple of the girls of my + ancient flame Nora Brady, now Mrs. Quin; who with her husband had spent + almost all their property, and who came to see me once in London, looking + very old, fat, and slatternly, with two dirty children at her side. She + wept very much when she saw me, called me ‘Sir,’ and ‘Mr. Lyndon,’ at + which I was not sorry, and begged me to help her husband; which I did, + getting him, through my friend Lord Crabs, a place in the excise in + Ireland, and paying the passage of his family and himself to that country. + I found him a dirty, cast-down, snivelling drunkard; and, looking at poor + Nora, could not but wonder at the days when I had thought her a divinity. + But if ever I have had a regard for a woman, I remain through life her + constant friend, and could mention a thousand such instances of my + generous and faithful disposition. + </p> + <p> + Young Bullingdon, however, was almost the only person with whom she was + concerned that my mother could not keep in order. The accounts she sent me + of him at first were such as gave my paternal heart considerable pain. He + rejected all regularity and authority. He would absent himself for weeks + from the house on sporting or other expeditions. He was when at home + silent and queer, refusing to make my mother’s game at piquet of evenings, + but plunging into all sorts of musty old books, with which he muddled his + brains; more at ease laughing and chatting with the pipers and maids in + the servants’ hall, than with the gentry in the drawing-room; always + cutting jibes and jokes at Mrs. Barry, at which she (who was rather a slow + woman at repartee) would chafe violently: in fact, leading a life of + insubordination and scandal. And, to crown all, the young scapegrace took + to frequenting the society of the Romish priest of the parish—a + threadbare rogue, from some Popish seminary in France or Spain—rather + than the company of the vicar of Castle Lyndon, a gentleman of Trinity, + who kept his hounds and drank his two bottles a day. + </p> + <p> + Regard for the lad’s religion made me not hesitate then how I should act + towards him. If I have any principle which has guided me through life, it + has been respect for the Establishment, and a hearty scorn and abhorrence + of all other forms of belief. I therefore sent my French body-servant, in + the year 17—, to Dublin with a commission to bring the young + reprobate over; and the report brought to me was that he had passed the + whole of the last night of his stay in Ireland with his Popish friend at + the mass-house; that he and my mother had a violent quarrel on the very + last day; that, on the contrary, he kissed Biddy and Dosy, her two nieces, + who seemed very sorry that he should go; and that being pressed to go and + visit the rector, he absolutely refused, saying he was a wicked old + Pharisee, inside whose doors he would never set his foot. The doctor wrote + me a letter, warning me against the deplorable errors of this young imp of + perdition, as he called him; and I could see that there was no love lost + between them. But it appeared that, if not agreeable to the gentry of the + country, young Bullingdon had a huge popularity among the common people. + There was a regular crowd weeping round the gate when his coach took its + departure. Scores of the ignorant savage wretches ran for miles along by + the side of the chariot; and some went even so far as to steal away before + his departure, and appear at the Pigeon-House at Dublin to bid him a last + farewell. It was with considerable difficulty that some of these people + could be kept from secreting themselves in the vessel, and accompanying + their young lord to England. + </p> + <p> + To do the young scoundrel justice, when he came among us, he was a manly + noble-looking lad, and everything in his bearing and appearance betokened + the high blood from which he came. He was the very portrait of some of the + dark cavaliers of the Lyndon race, whose pictures hung in the gallery at + Hackton: where the lad was fond of spending the chief part of his time, + occupied with the musty old books which he took out of the library, and + which I hate to see a young man of spirit poring over. Always in my + company he preserved the most rigid silence, and a haughty scornful + demeanour; which was so much the more disagreeable because there was + nothing in his behaviour I could actually take hold of to find fault with: + although his whole conduct was insolent and supercilious to the highest + degree. His mother was very much agitated at receiving him on his arrival; + if he felt any such agitation he certainly did not show it. He made her a + very low and formal bow when he kissed her hand; and, when I held out + mine, put both his hands behind his back, stared me full in the face, and + bent his head, saying, ‘Mr. Barry Lyndon, I believe;’ turned on his heel, + and began talking about the state of the weather to his mother, whom he + always styled ‘Your Ladyship.’ She was angry at this pert bearing, and, + when they were alone, rebuked him sharply for not shaking hands with his + father. + </p> + <p> + ‘My father, madam?’ said he; ‘surely you mistake. My father was the Right + Honourable Sir Charles Lyndon. <i>I</i> at least have not forgotten him, + if others have.’ It was a declaration of war to me, as I saw at once; + though I declare I was willing enough to have received the boy well on his + coming amongst us, and to have lived with him on terms of friendliness. + But as men serve me I serve them. Who can blame me for my after-quarrels + with this young reprobate, or lay upon my shoulders the evils which + afterwards befell? Perhaps I lost my temper, and my subsequent treatment + of him WAS hard. But it was he began the quarrel, and not I; and the evil + consequences which ensued were entirely of his creating. + </p> + <p> + As it is best to nip vice in the bud, and for a master of a family to + exercise his authority in such a manner as that there may be no question + about it, I took the earliest opportunity of coming to close quarters with + Master Bullingdon; and the day after his arrival among us, upon his + refusal to perform some duty which I requested of him, I had him conveyed + to my study, and thrashed him soundly. This process, I confess, at first + agitated me a good deal, for I had never laid a whip on a lord before; but + I got speedily used to the practice, and his back and my whip became so + well acquainted, that I warrant there was very little CEREMONY between us + after a while. + </p> + <p> + If I were to repeat all the instances of the insubordination and brutal + conduct of young Bullingdon, I should weary the reader. His perseverance + in resistance was, I think, even greater than mine in correcting him: for + a man, be he ever so much resolved to do his duty as a parent, can’t be + flogging his children all day, or for every fault they commit: and though + I got the character of being so cruel a stepfather to him, I pledge my + word I spared him correction when he merited it many more times than I + administered it. Besides, there were eight clear months in the year when + he was quit of me, during the time of my presence in London, at my place + in Parliament, and at the Court of my Sovereign. + </p> + <p> + At this period I made no difficulty to allow him to profit by the Latin + and Greek of the old rector; who had christened him, and had a + considerable influence over the wayward lad. After a scene or a quarrel + between us, it was generally to the rectory-house that the young rebel + would fly for refuge and counsel; and I must own that the parson was a + pretty just umpire between us in our disputes. Once he led the boy back to + Hackton by the hand, and actually brought him into my presence, although + he had vowed never to enter the doors in my lifetime again, and said, ‘He + had brought his Lordship to acknowledge his error, and submit to any + punishment I might think proper to inflict.’ Upon which I caned him in the + presence of two or three friends of mine, with whom I was sitting drinking + at the time; and to do him justice, he bore a pretty severe punishment + without wincing or crying in the least. This will show that I was not too + severe in my treatment of the lad, as I had the authority of the clergyman + himself for inflicting the correction which I thought proper. + </p> + <p> + Twice or thrice, Lavender, Bryan’s governor, attempted to punish my Lord + Bullingdon; but I promise you the rogue was too strong for HIM, and + levelled the Oxford man to the ground with a chair: greatly to the delight + of little Byran, who cried out, ‘Bravo, Bully! thump him, thump him!’ And + Bully certainly did, to the governor’s heart’s content; who never + attempted personal chastisement afterwards; but contented himself by + bringing the tales of his Lordship’s misdoings to me, his natural + protector and guardian. + </p> + <p> + With the child, Bullingdon was, strange to say, pretty tractable. He took + a liking for the little fellow,—as, indeed, everybody who saw that + darling boy did,—liked him the more, he said, because he was ‘half a + Lyndon.’ And well he might like him, for many a time, at the dear angel’s + intercession of ‘Papa, don’t flog Bully to-day!’ I have held my hand, and + saved him a horsing, which he richly deserved. + </p> + <p> + With his mother, at first, he would scarcely deign to have any + communication. He said she was no longer one of the family. Why should he + love her, as she had never been a mother to him? But it will give the + reader an idea of the dogged obstinacy and surliness of the lad’s + character, when I mention one trait regarding him. It has been made a + matter of complaint against me, that I denied him the education befitting + a gentleman, and never sent him to college or to school; but the fact is, + it was of his own choice that he went to neither. He had the offer + repeatedly from me (who wished to see as little of his impudence as + possible), but he as repeatedly declined; and, for a long time, I could + not make out what was the charm which kept him in a house where he must + have been far from comfortable. + </p> + <p> + It came out, however, at last. There used to be very frequent disputes + between my Lady Lyndon and myself, in which sometimes she was wrong, + sometimes I was; and which, as neither of us had very angelical tempers, + used to run very high. I was often in liquor; and when in that condition, + what gentleman is master of himself? Perhaps I DID, in this state, use my + Lady rather roughly; fling a glass or two at her, and call her by a few + names that were not complimentary. I may have threatened her life (which + it was obviously my interest not to take), and have frightened her, in a + word, considerably. + </p> + <p> + After one of these disputes, in which she ran screaming through the + galleries, and I, as tipsy as a lord, came staggering after, it appears + Bullingdon was attracted out of his room by the noise; as I came up with + her, the audacious rascal tripped up my heels, which were not very steady, + and catching his fainting mother in his arms, took her into his own room; + where he, upon her entreaty, swore he would never leave the house as long + as she continued united with me. I knew nothing of the vow, or indeed of + the tipsy frolic which was the occasion of it; I was taken up ‘glorious,’ + as the phrase is, by my servants, and put to bed, and, in the morning, had + no more recollection of what had occurred any more than of what happened + when I was a baby at the breast. Lady Lyndon told me of the circumstance + years after; and I mention it here, as it enables me to plead honourably + ‘not guilty’ to one of the absurd charges of cruelty trumped up against me + with respect to my stepson. Let my detractors apologise, if they dare, for + the conduct of a graceless ruffian who trips up the heels of his own + natural guardian and stepfather after dinner. + </p> + <p> + This circumstance served to unite mother and son for a little; but their + characters were too different. I believe she was too fond of me ever to + allow him to be sincerely reconciled to her. As he grew up to be a man, + his hatred towards me assumed an intensity quite wicked to think of (and + which I promise you I returned with interest): and it was at the age of + sixteen, I think, that the impudent young hangdog, on my return from + Parliament one summer, and on my proposing to cane him as usual, gave me + to understand that he would submit to no farther chastisement from me, and + said, grinding his teeth, that he would shoot me if I laid hands on him. I + looked at him; he was grown, in fact, to be a tall young man, and I gave + up that necessary part of his education. + </p> + <p> + It was about this time that I raised the company which was to serve in + America; and my enemies in the country (and since my victory over the + Tiptoffs I scarce need say I had many of them) began to propagate the most + shameful reports regarding my conduct to that precious young scapegrace my + stepson, and to insinuate that I actually wished to get rid of him. Thus + my loyalty to my Sovereign was actually construed into a horrid unnatural + attempt on my part on Bullingdon’s life; and it was said that I had raised + the American corps for the sole purpose of getting the young Viscount to + command it, and so of getting rid of him. I am not sure that they had not + fixed upon the name of the very man in the company who was ordered to + despatch him at the first general action, and the bribe I was to give him + for this delicate piece of service. + </p> + <p> + But the truth is, I was of opinion then (and though the fulfilment of my + prophecy has been delayed, yet I make no doubt it will be brought to pass + ere long), that my Lord Bullingdon needed none of MY aid in sending him + into the other world; but had a happy knack of finding the way thither + himself, which he would be sure to pursue. In truth, he began upon this + way early: of all the violent, daring, disobedient scapegraces that ever + caused an affectionate parent pain, he was certainly the most + incorrigible; there was no beating him, or coaxing him, or taming him. + </p> + <p> + For instance, with my little son, when his governor brought him into the + room as we were over the bottle after dinner, my Lord would begin his + violent and undutiful sarcasms at me. + </p> + <p> + ‘Dear child,’ he would say, beginning to caress and fondle him, ‘what a + pity it is I am not dead for thy sake! The Lyndons would then have a + worthier representative, and enjoy all the benefit of the illustrious + blood of the Barrys of Barryogue; would they not, Mr. Barry Lyndon?’ He + always chose the days when company, or the clergy or gentry of the + neighbourhood, were present, to make these insolent speeches to me. + </p> + <p> + Another day (it was Bryan’s birthday) we were giving a grand ball and gala + at Hackton, and it was time for my little Bryan to make his appearance + among us, as he usually did in the smartest little court-suit you ever saw + (ah me! but it brings tears into my old eyes now to think of the bright + looks of that darling little face). There was a great crowding and + tittering when the child came in, led by his half-brother, who walked into + the dancing-room (would you believe it?) in his stocking-feet, leading + little Bryan by the hand, paddling about in the great shoes of the elder! + ‘Don’t you think he fits my shoes very well, Sir Richard Wargrave?’ says + the young reprobate: upon which the company began to look at each other + and to titter; and his mother, coming up to Lord Bullingdon with great + dignity, seized the child to her breast, and said, ‘From the manner in + which I love this child, my Lord, you ought to know how I would have loved + his elder brother had he proved worthy of any mother’s affection!’ and, + bursting into tears, Lady Lyndon left the apartment, and the young lord + rather discomfited for once. + </p> + <p> + At last, on one occasion, his behaviour to me was so outrageous (it was in + the hunting-field and in a large public company), that I lost all + patience, rode at the urchin straight, wrenched him out of his saddle with + all my force, and, flinging him roughly to the ground, sprang down to it + myself, and administered such a correction across the young caitiff’s head + and shoulders with my horsewhip as might have ended in his death, had I + not been restrained in time; for my passion was up, and I was in a state + to do murder or any other crime. The lad was taken home and put to bed, + where he lay for a day or two in a fever, as much from rage and vexation + as from the chastisement I had given him; and three days afterwards, on + sending to inquire at his chamber whether he would join the family at + table, a note was found on his table, and his bed was empty and cold. The + young villain had fled, and had the audacity to write in the following + terms regarding me to my wife, his mother:— + </p> + <p> + ‘Madam,’ he said, ‘I have borne as long as mortal could endure the + ill-treatment of the insolent Irish upstart whom you have taken to your + bed. It is not only the lowness of his birth and the general brutality of + his manners which disgust me, and must make me hate him so long as I have + the honour to bear the name of Lyndon, which he is unworthy of, but the + shameful nature of his conduct towards your Ladyship; his brutal and + ungentlemanlike behaviour, his open infidelity, his habits of + extravagance, intoxication, his shameless robberies and swindling of my + property and yours. It is these insults to you which shock and annoy me, + more than the ruffian’s infamous conduct to myself. I would have stood by + your Ladyship as I promised, but you seem to have taken latterly your + husband’s part; and, as I cannot personally chastise this low-bred + ruffian, who, to our shame be it spoken, is the husband of my mother; and + as I cannot bear to witness his treatment of you, and loathe his horrible + society as if it were the plague, I am determined to quit my native + country: at least during his detested life, or during my own. I possess a + small income from my father, of which I have no doubt Mr. Barry will cheat + me if he can; but which, if your Ladyship has some feelings of a mother + left, you will, perhaps, award to me. Messrs. Childs, the bankers, can + have orders to pay it to me when due; if they receive no such orders, I + shall be not in the least surprised, knowing you to be in the hands of a + villain who would not scruple to rob on the highway; and shall try to find + out some way in life for myself more honourable than that by which the + penniless Irish adventurer has arrived to turn me out of my rights and + home.’ + </p> + <p> + This mad epistle was signed ‘Bullingdon,’ and all the neighbours vowed + that I had been privy to his flight, and would profit by it; though I + declare on my honour my true and sincere desire, after reading the above + infamous letter, was to have the author within a good arm’s length of me, + that I might let him know my opinion regarding him. But there was no + eradicating this idea from people’s minds, who insisted that I wanted to + kill Bullingdon; whereas murder, as I have said, was never one of my evil + qualities: and even had I wished to injure my young enemy ever so much, + common prudence would have made my mind easy, as I knew he was going to + ruin his own way. + </p> + <p> + It was long before we heard of the fate of the audacious young truant; but + after some fifteen months had elapsed, I had the pleasure of being able to + refute some of the murderous calumnies which had been uttered against me, + by producing a bill with Bullingdon’s own signature, drawn from General + Tarleton’s army in America, where my company was conducting itself with + the greatest glory, and with which my Lord was serving as a volunteer. + There were some of my kind friends who persisted still in attributing all + sorts of wicked intentions to me. Lord Tiptoff would never believe that I + would pay any bill, much more any bill of Lord Bullingdon’s; old Lady + Betty Grimsby, his sister, persisted in declaring the bill was a forgery, + and the poor dear lord dead; until there came a letter to her Ladyship + from Lord Bullingdon himself, who had been at New York at headquarters, + and who described at length the splendid festival given by the officers of + the garrison to our distinguished chieftains, the two Howes. + </p> + <p> + In the meanwhile, if I HAD murdered my Lord, I could scarcely have been + received with more shameful obloquy and slander than now followed me in + town and country. ‘You will hear of the lad’s death, be sure,’ exclaimed + one of my friends. ‘And then his wife’s will follow,’ added another. ‘He + will marry Jenny Jones,’ added a third; and so on. Lavender brought me the + news of these scandals about me: the country was up against me. The + farmers on market-days used to touch their hats sulkily, and get out of my + way; the gentlemen who followed my hunt now suddenly seceded from it, and + left off my uniform; at the county ball, where I led out Lady Susan + Capermore, and took my place third in the dance after the duke and the + marquis, as was my wont, all the couples turned away as we came to them, + and we were left to dance alone. Sukey Capermore has a love of dancing + which would make her dance at a funeral if anybody asked her, and I had + too much spirit to give in at this signal instance of insult towards me; + so we danced with some of the very commonest low people at the bottom of + the set—your apothecaries, wine-merchants, attorneys, and such scum + as are allowed to attend our public assemblies. + </p> + <p> + The bishop, my Lady Lyndon’s relative, neglected to invite us to the + palace at the assizes; and, in a word, every indignity was put upon me + which could by possibility be heaped upon an innocent and honourable + gentleman. + </p> + <p> + My reception in London, whither I now carried my wife and family, was + scarcely more cordial. On paying my respects to my Sovereign at St. + James’s, His Majesty pointedly asked me when I had news of Lord + Bullingdon. On which I replied, with no ordinary presence of mind, ‘Sir, + my Lord Bullingdon is fighting the rebels against your Majesty’s crown in + America. Does your Majesty desire that I should send another regiment to + aid him?’ On which the King turned on his heel, and I made my bow out of + the presence-chamber. When Lady Lyndon kissed the Queen’s hand at the + drawing-room, I found that precisely the same question had been put to her + Ladyship; and she came home much agitated at the rebuke which had been administered + to her. Thus it was that my loyalty was rewarded, and my sacrifice, in + favour of my country, viewed! I took away my establishment abruptly to + Paris, where I met with a very different reception: but my stay amidst the + enchanting pleasures of that capital was extremely short; for the French + Government, which had been long tampering with the American rebels, now + openly acknowledged the independence of the United States. A declaration + of war ensued: all we happy English were ordered away from Paris; and I + think I left one or two fair ladies there inconsolable. It is the only + place where a gentleman can live as he likes without being incommoded by + his wife. The Countess and I, during our stay, scarcely saw each other + except upon public occasions, at Versailles, or at the Queen’s play-table; + and our dear little Bryan advanced in a thousand elegant accomplishments + which rendered him the delight of all who knew him. + </p> + <p> + I must not forget to mention here my last interview with my good uncle, + the Chevalier de Ballybarry, whom I left at Brussels with strong + intentions of making his salut, as the phrase is, and who had gone into + retirement at a convent there. Since then he had come into the world + again, much to his annoyance and repentance; having fallen desperately in + love in his old age with a French actress, who had done, as most ladies of + her character do,—ruined him, left him, and laughed at him. His + repentance was very edifying. Under the guidance of Messieurs of the Irish + College, he once more turned his thoughts towards religion; and his only + prayer to me when I saw him and asked in what I could relieve him, was to + pay a handsome fee to the convent into which he proposed to enter. + </p> + <p> + This I could not, of course, do: my religious principles forbidding me to + encourage superstition in any way; and the old gentleman and I parted + rather coolly, in consequence of my refusal, as he said, to make his old + days comfortable. + </p> + <p> + I was very poor at the time, that is the fact; and entre nous, the + Rosemont of the French Opera, an indifferent dancer, but a charming figure + and ankle, was ruining me in diamonds, equipages, and furniture bills, + added to which I had a run of ill-luck at play, and was forced to meet my + losses by the most shameful sacrifices to the money-lenders, by pawning + part of Lady Lyndon’s diamonds (that graceless little Rosemont wheedled me + out of some of them), and by a thousand other schemes for raising money. + But when Honour is in the case, was I ever found backward at her call: and + what man can say that Barry Lyndon lost a bet which he did not pay? + </p> + <p> + As for my ambitious hopes regarding the Irish peerage, I began, on my + return, to find out that I had been led wildly astray by that rascal Lord + Crabs; who liked to take my money, but had no more influence to get me a + coronet than to procure for me the Pope’s tiara. The Sovereign was not a + whit more gracious to me on returning from the Continent than he had been + before my departure; and I had it from one of the aides-de-camp of the + Royal Dukes his brothers, that my conduct and amusements at Paris had been + odiously misrepresented by some spies there, and had formed the subject of + Royal comment; and that the King had, influenced by these calumnies, + actually said I was the most disreputable man in the three kingdoms. I + disreputable! I a dishonour to my name and country! When I heard these + falsehoods, I was in such a rage that I went off to Lord North at once to + remonstrate with the Minister; to insist upon being allowed to appear + before His Majesty and clear myself of the imputations against me, to + point out my services to the Government in voting with them, and to ask + when the reward that had been promised to me—viz., the title held by + my ancestors—was again to be revived in my person? + </p> + <p> + There was a sleepy coolness in that fat Lord North which was the most + provoking thing that the Opposition had ever to encounter from him. He + heard me with half-shut eyes. When I had finished a long violent speech—which + I made striding about his room in Downing Street, and gesticulating with + all the energy of an Irishman—he opened one eye, smiled, and asked + me gently if I had done. On my replying in the affirmative, he said, + ‘Well, Mr. Barry, I’ll answer you, point by point. The King is exceedingly + averse to make peers, as you know. Your claims, as you call them, HAVE + been laid before him, and His Majesty’s gracious reply was, that you were + the most impudent man in his dominions, and merited a halter rather than a + coronet. As for withdrawing your support from us, you are perfectly + welcome to carry yourself and your vote whithersoever you please. And now, + as I have a great deal of occupation, perhaps you will do me the favour to + retire.’ So saying, he raised his hand lazily to the bell, and bowed me + out; asking blandly if there was any other thing in the world in which he + could oblige me. + </p> + <p> + I went home in a fury which can’t be described; and having Lord Crabs to + dinner that day, assailed his Lordship by pulling his wig off his head, + and smothering it in his face, and by attacking him in that part of the + person where, according to report, he had been formerly assaulted by + Majesty. The whole story was over the town the next day, and pictures of + me were hanging in the clubs and print-shops performing the operation + alluded to. All the town laughed at the picture of the lord and the + Irishman, and, I need not say, recognised both. As for me, I was one of + the most celebrated characters in London in those days: my dress, style, + and equipage being as well known as those of any leader of the fashion; + and my popularity, if not great in the highest quarters, was at least + considerable elsewhere. The people cheered me in the Gordon rows, at the + time they nearly killed my friend Jemmy Twitcher and burned Lord + Mansfield’s house down. Indeed, I was known as a staunch Protestant, and + after my quarrel with Lord North veered right round to the Opposition, and + vexed him with all the means in my power. + </p> + <p> + These were not, unluckily, very great, for I was a bad speaker, and the + House would not listen to me, and presently, in 1780, after the Gordon + disturbance, was dissolved, when a general election took place. It came on + me, as all my mishaps were in the habit of coming, at a most unlucky time. + I was obliged to raise more money, at most ruinous rates, to face the + confounded election, and had the Tiptoffs against me in the field more + active and virulent than ever. + </p> + <p> + My blood boils even now when I think of the rascally conduct of my enemies + in that scoundrelly election. I was held up as the Irish Bluebeard, and + libels of me were printed, and gross caricatures drawn representing me + flogging Lady Lyndon, whipping Lord Bullingdon, turning him out of doors + in a storm, and I know not what. There were pictures of a pauper cabin in + Ireland, from which it was pretended I came; others in which I was + represented as a lacquey and shoeblack. A flood of calumny was let loose + upon me, in which any man of less spirit would have gone down. + </p> + <p> + But though I met my accusers boldly, though I lavished sums of money in + the election, though I flung open Hackton Hall and kept champagne and + Burgundy running there, and at all my inns in the town, as commonly as + water, the election went against me. The rascally gentry had all turned + upon me and joined the Tiptoff faction: it was even represented that I + held my wife by force; and though I sent her into the town alone, wearing + my colours, with Bryan in her lap, and made her visit the mayor’s lady and + the chief women there, nothing would persuade the people but that she + lived in fear and trembling of me; and the brutal mob had the insolence to + ask her why she dared to go back, and how she liked horsewhip for supper. + </p> + <p> + I was thrown out of my election, and all the bills came down upon me + together—all the bills I had been contracting during the years of my + marriage, which the creditors, with a rascally unanimity, sent in until + they lay upon my table in heaps. I won’t cite their amount: it was + frightful. My stewards and lawyers made matters worse. I was bound up in + an inextricable toil of bills and debts, of mortgages and insurances, and + all the horrible evils attendant upon them. Lawyers upon lawyers posted + down from London; composition after composition was made, and Lady + Lyndon’s income hampered almost irretrievably to satisfy these cormorants. + To do her justice, she behaved with tolerable kindness at this season of + trouble; for whenever I wanted money I had to coax her, and whenever I + coaxed her I was sure of bringing this weak and light-minded woman to + good-humour: who was of such a weak terrified nature, that to secure an + easy week with me she would sign away a thousand a year. And when my + troubles began at Hackton, and I determined on the only chance left, viz. + to retire to Ireland and retrench, assigning over the best part of my + income to the creditors until their demands were met, my Lady was quite + cheerful at the idea of going, and said, if we would be quiet, she had no + doubt all would be well; indeed, was glad to undergo the comparative + poverty in which we must now live for the sake of the retirement and the + chance of domestic quiet which she hoped to enjoy. + </p> + <p> + We went off to Bristol pretty suddenly, leaving the odious and ungrateful + wretches at Hackton to vilify us, no doubt, in our absence. My stud and + hounds were sold off immediately; the harpies would have been glad to + pounce upon my person; but that was out of their power. I had raised, by + cleverness and management, to the full as much on my mines and private + estates as they were worth; so the scoundrels were disappointed in THIS + instance; and as for the plate and property in the London house, they + could not touch that, as it was the property of the heirs of the house of + Lyndon. + </p> + <p> + I passed over to Ireland, then, and took up my abode at Castle Lyndon for + a while; all the world imagining that I was an utterly ruined man, and + that the famous and dashing Barry Lyndon would never again appear in the + circles of which he had been an ornament. But it was not so. In the midst + of my perplexities, Fortune reserved a great consolation for me still. + Despatches came home from America announcing Lord Cornwallis’s defeat of + General Gates in Carolina, and the death of Lord Bullingdon, who was + present as a volunteer. + </p> + <p> + For my own desires to possess a paltry Irish title I cared little. My son + was now heir to an English earldom, and I made him assume forthwith the + title of Lord Viscount Castle Lyndon, the third of the family titles. My + mother went almost mad with joy at saluting her grandson as ‘my Lord,’ and + I felt that all my sufferings and privations were repaid by seeing this + darling child advanced to such a post of honour. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0019" id="link2HCH0019"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIX. CONCLUSION + </h2> + <p> + If the world were not composed of a race of ungrateful scoundrels, who + share your prosperity while it lasts, and, even when gorged with your + venison and Burgundy, abuse the generous giver of the feast, I am sure I + merit a good name and a high reputation: in Ireland, at least, where my + generosity was unbounded, and the splendour of my mansion and + entertainments unequalled by any other nobleman of my time. As long as my + magnificence lasted, all the country was free to partake of it; I had + hunters sufficient in my stables to mount a regiment of dragoons, and + butts of wine in my cellar which would have made whole counties drunk for + years. Castle Lyndon became the headquarters of scores of needy gentlemen, + and I never rode a-hunting but I had a dozen young fellows of the best + blood of the country riding as my squires and gentlemen of the horse. My + son, little Castle Lyndon, was a prince; his breeding and manners, even at + his early age, showed him to be worthy of the two noble families from whom + he was descended: I don’t know what high hopes I had for the boy, and + indulged in a thousand fond anticipations as to his future success and + figure in the world. But stern Fate had determined that I should leave + none of my race behind me, and ordained that I should finish my career, as + I see it closing now—poor, lonely, and childless. I may have had my + faults; but no man shall dare to say of me that I was not a good and + tender father. I loved that boy passionately; perhaps with a blind + partiality: I denied him nothing. Gladly, gladly, I swear, would I have + died that his premature doom might have been averted. I think there is not + a day since I lost him but his bright face and beautiful smiles look down + on me out of heaven, where he is, and that my heart does not yearn towards + him. That sweet child was taken from me at the age of nine years, when he + was full of beauty and promise: and so powerful is the hold his memory has + of me that I have never been able to forget him; his little spirit haunts + me of nights on my restless solitary pillow; many a time, in the wildest + and maddest company, as the bottle is going round, and the song and laugh + roaring about, I am thinking of him. I have got a lock of his soft brown + hair hanging round my breast now: it will accompany me to the dishonoured + pauper’s grave; where soon, no doubt, Barry Lyndon’s worn-out old bones + will be laid. + </p> + <p> + My Bryan was a boy of amazing high spirit (indeed how, coming from such a + stock, could he be otherwise?), impatient even of my control, against + which the dear little rogue would often rebel gallantly; how much more, + then, of his mother’s and the women’s, whose attempts to direct him he + would laugh to scorn. Even my own mother (‘Mrs. Barry of Lyndon’ the good + soul now called herself, in compliment to my new family) was quite unable + to check him; and hence you may fancy what a will he had of his own. If it + had not been for that, he might have lived to this day: he might—but + why repine? Is he not in a better place? would the heritage of a beggar do + any service to him? It is best as it is—Heaven be good to us!—Alas! + that I, his father, should be left to deplore him. + </p> + <p> + It was in the month of October I had been to Dublin, in order to see a + lawyer and a moneyed man who had come over to Ireland to consult with me + about some sales of mine and the cut of Hackton timber; of which, as I + hated the place and was greatly in want of money, I was determined to cut + down every stick. There had been some difficulty in the matter. It was + said I had no right to touch the timber. The brute peasantry about the + estate had been roused to such a pitch of hatred against me, that the + rascals actually refused to lay an axe to the trees; and my agent (that + scoundrel Larkins) declared that his life was in danger among them if he + attempted any further despoilment (as they called it) of the property. + Every article of the splendid furniture was sold by this time, as I need + not say; and as for the plate, I had taken good care to bring it off to + Ireland, where it now was in the best of keeping—my banker’s, who + had advanced six thousand pounds on it: which sum I soon had occasion for. + </p> + <p> + I went to Dublin, then, to meet the English man of business; and so far + succeeded in persuading Mr. Splint, a great shipbuilder and timber-dealer + of Plymouth, of my claim to the Hackton timber, that he agreed to purchase + it off-hand at about one-third of its value, and handed me over five + thousand pounds: which, being pressed with debts at the time, I was fain + to accept. HE had no difficulty in getting down the wood, I warrant. He + took a regiment of shipwrights and sawyers from his own and the King’s + yards at Plymouth, and in two months Hackton Park was as bare of trees as + the Bog of Allen. + </p> + <p> + I had but ill luck with that accursed expedition and money. I lost the + greater part of it in two nights’ play at ‘Daly’s,’ so that my debts stood + just as they were before; and before the vessel sailed for Holyhead, which + carried away my old sharper of a timber-merchant, all that I had left of + the money he brought me was a couple of hundred pounds, with which I + returned home very disconsolately: and very suddenly, too, for my Dublin + tradesmen were hot upon me, hearing I had spent the loan, and two of my + wine-merchants had writs out against me for some thousands of pounds. + </p> + <p> + I bought in Dublin, according to my promise, however—for when I give + a promise I will keep it at any sacrifices—a little horse for my + dear little Bryan; which was to be a present for his tenth birthday, that + was now coming on: it was a beautiful little animal and stood me in a good + sum. I never regarded money for that dear child. But the horse was very + wild. He kicked off one of my horse-boys, who rode him at first, and broke + the lad’s leg; and, though I took the animal in hand on the journey home, + it was only my weight and skill that made the brute quiet. + </p> + <p> + When we got home I sent the horse away with one of my grooms to a farmer’s + house, to break him thoroughly in, and told Bryan, who was all anxiety to + see his little horse, that he would arrive by his birthday, when he should + hunt him along with my hounds; and I promised myself no small pleasure in + presenting the dear fellow to the field that day: which I hoped to see him + lead some time or other in place of his fond father. Ah me! never was that + gallant boy to ride a fox-chase, or to take the place amongst the gentry + of his country which his birth and genius had pointed out for him! + </p> + <p> + Though I don’t believe in dreams and omens, yet I can’t but own that when + a great calamity is hanging over a man he has frequently many strange and + awful forebodings of it. I fancy now I had many. Lady Lyndon, especially, + twice dreamed of her son’s death; but, as she was now grown uncommonly + nervous and vapourish, I treated her fears with scorn, and my own, of + course, too. And in an unguarded moment, over the bottle after dinner, I + told poor Bryan, who was always questioning me about the little horse, and + when it was to come, that it was arrived; that it was in Doolan’s farm, + where Mick the groom was breaking him in. ‘Promise me, Bryan,’ screamed + his mother, ‘that you will not ride the horse except in company of your + father.’ But I only said, ‘Pooh, madam, you are an ass!’ being angry at + her silly timidity, which was always showing itself in a thousand + disagreeable ways now; and, turning round to Bryan, said, ‘I promise your + Lordship a good flogging if you mount him without my leave.’ + </p> + <p> + I suppose the poor child did not care about paying this penalty for the + pleasure he was to have, or possibly thought a fond father would remit the + punishment altogether; for the next morning, when I rose rather late, + having sat up drinking the night before, I found the child had been off at + daybreak, having slipt through his tutor’s room (this was Redmond Quin, + our cousin, whom I had taken to live with me), and I had no doubt but that + he was gone to Doolan’s farm. + </p> + <p> + I took a great horsewhip and galloped off after him in a rage, swearing I + would keep my promise. But, Heaven forgive me! I little thought of it when + at three miles from home I met a sad procession coming towards me: + peasants moaning and howling as our Irish do, the black horse led by the + hand, and, on a door that some of the folk carried, my poor dear dear + little boy. There he lay in his little boots and spurs, and his little + coat of scarlet and gold. His dear face was quite white, and he smiled as + he held a hand out to me, and said painfully, ‘You won’t whip me, will + you, papa?’ I could only burst out into tears in reply. I have seen many + and many a man dying, and there’s a look about the eyes which you cannot + mistake. There was a little drummer-boy I was fond of who was hit down + before my company at Kuhnersdorf; when I ran up to give him some water, he + looked exactly like my dear Bryan then did—there’s no mistaking that + awful look of the eyes. We carried him home and scoured the country round + for doctors to come and look at his hurt. + </p> + <p> + But what does a doctor avail in a contest with the grim invincible enemy? + Such as came could only confirm our despair by their account of the poor + child’s case. He had mounted his horse gallantly, sat him bravely all the + time the animal plunged and kicked, and, having overcome his first spite, + ran him at a hedge by the roadside. But there were loose stones at the + top, and the horse’s foot caught among them, and he and his brave little + rider rolled over together at the other side. The people said they saw the + noble little boy spring up after his fall and run to catch the horse; + which had broken away from him, kicking him on the back, as it would seem, + as they lay on the ground. Poor Bryan ran a few yards and then dropped + down as if shot. A pallor came over his face, and they thought he was + dead. But they poured whisky down his mouth, and the poor child revived: + still he could not move; his spine was injured; the lower half of him was + dead when they laid him in bed at home. The rest did not last long, God + help me! He remained yet for two days with us; and a sad comfort it was to + think he was in no pain. + </p> + <p> + During this time the dear angel’s temper seemed quite to change: he asked + his mother and me pardon for any act of disobedience he had been guilty of + towards us; he said often he should like to see his brother Bullingdon. + ‘Bully was better than you, papa,’ he said; ‘he used not to swear so, and + he told and taught me many good things while you were away.’ And, taking a + hand of his mother and mine in each of his little clammy ones, he begged + us not to quarrel so, but love each other, so that we might meet again in + heaven, where Bully told him quarrelsome people never went. His mother was + very much affected by these admonitions from the poor suffering angel’s + mouth; and I was so too. I wish she had enabled me to keep the counsel + which the dying boy gave us. + </p> + <p> + At last, after two days, he died. There he lay, the hope of my family, the + pride of my manhood, the link which had kept me and my Lady Lyndon + together. ‘Oh, Redmond,’ said she, kneeling by the sweet child’s body, + ‘do, do let us listen to the truth out of his blessed mouth: and do you + amend your life, and treat your poor loving fond wife as her dying child + bade you.’ And I said I would: but there are promises which it is out of a + man’s power to keep; especially with such a woman as her. But we drew + together after that sad event, and were for several months better friends. + </p> + <p> + I won’t tell you with what splendour we buried him. Of what avail are + undertakers’ feathers and heralds’ trumpery? I went out and shot the fatal + black horse that had killed him, at the door of the vault where we laid my + boy. I was so wild, that I could have shot myself too. But for the crime, + it would have been better that I should, perhaps; for what has my life + been since that sweet flower was taken out of my bosom? A succession of + miseries, wrongs, disasters, and mental and bodily sufferings which never + fell to the lot of any other man in Christendom. + </p> + <p> + Lady Lyndon, always vapourish and nervous, after our blessed boy’s + catastrophe became more agitated than ever, and plunged into devotion with + so much fervour, that you would have fancied her almost distracted at + times. She imagined she saw visions. She said an angel from heaven had + told her that Bryan’s death was as a punishment to her for her neglect of + her first-born. Then she would declare Bullingdon was alive; she had seen + him in a dream. Then again she would fall into fits of sorrow about his + death, and grieve for him as violently as if he had been the last of her + sons who had died, and not our darling Bryan; who, compared to Bullingdon, + was what a diamond is to a vulgar stone. Her freaks were painful to + witness, and difficult to control. It began to be said in the country that + the Countess was going mad. My scoundrelly enemies did not fail to confirm + and magnify the rumour, and would add that I was the cause of her + insanity: I had driven her to distraction, I had killed Bullingdon, I had + murdered my own son; I don’t know what else they laid to my charge. Even + in Ireland their hateful calumnies reached me: my friends fell away from + me. They began to desert my hunt, as they did in England, and when I went + to race or market found sudden reasons for getting out of my + neighbourhood. I got the name of Wicked Barry, Devil Lyndon, which you + please: the country-folk used to make marvellous legends about me: the + priests said I had massacred I don’t know how many German nuns in the + Seven Years’ War; that the ghost of the murdered Bullingdon haunted my + house. Once at a fair in a town hard by, when I had a mind to buy a + waistcoat for one of my people, a fellow standing by said, ‘’Tis a + strait-waistcoat he’s buying for my Lady Lyndon.’ And from this + circumstance arose a legend of my cruelty to my wife; and many + circumstantial details were narrated regarding my manner and ingenuity of + torturing her. + </p> + <p> + The loss of my dear boy pressed not only on my heart as a father, but + injured my individual interests in a very considerable degree; for as + there was now no direct heir to the estate, and Lady Lyndon was of a weak + health, and supposed to be quite unlikely to leave a family, the next in + succession-that detestable family of Tiptoff—began to exert + themselves in a hundred ways to annoy me, and were at the head of the + party of enemies who were raising reports to my discredit. They interposed + between me and my management of the property in a hundred different ways; + making an outcry if I cut a stick, sunk a shaft, sold a picture, or sent a + few ounces of plate to be remodelled. They harassed me with ceaseless + lawsuits, got injunctions from Chancery, hampered my agents in the + execution of their work; so much so that you would have fancied my own was + not my own, but theirs, to do as they liked with. What is worse, as I have + reason to believe, they had tamperings and dealings with my own domestics + under my own roof; for I could not have a word with Lady Lyndon but it + somehow got abroad, and I could not be drunk with my chaplain and friends + but some sanctified rascals would get hold of the news, and reckon up all + the bottles I drank and all the oaths I swore. That these were not few, I + acknowledge. I am of the old school; was always a free liver and speaker; + and, at least, if I did and said what I liked, was not so bad as many a + canting scoundrel I know of who covers his foibles and sins, unsuspected, + with a mask of holiness. As I am making a clean breast of it, and am no + hypocrite, I may as well confess now that I endeavoured to ward off the + devices of my enemies by an artifice which was not, perhaps, strictly + justifiable. Everything depended on my having an heir to the estate; for + if Lady Lyndon, who was of weakly health, had died, the next day I was a + beggar: all my sacrifices of money, &c., on the estate would not have + been held in a farthing’s account; all the debts would have been left on + my shoulders; and my enemies would have triumphed over me: which, to a man + of my honourable spirit, was ‘the unkindest cut of all,’ as some poet + says. + </p> + <p> + I confess, then, it was my wish to supplant these scoundrels; and, as I + could not do so without an heir to my property, <i>I</i> DETERMINED TO + FIND ONE. If I had him near at hand, and of my own blood too, though with + the bar sinister, is not here the question. It was then I found out the + rascally machinations of my enemies; for, having broached this plan to + Lady Lyndon, whom I made to be, outwardly at least, the most obedient of + wives,—although I never let a letter from her or to her go or arrive + without my inspection,—although I allowed her to see none but those + persons who I thought, in her delicate health, would be fitting society + for her; yet the infernal Tiptoffs got wind of my scheme, protested + instantly against it, not only by letter, but in the shameful libellous + public prints, and held me up to public odium as a ‘child-forger,’ as they + called me. Of course I denied the charge—I could do no otherwise, + and offered to meet any one of the Tiptoffs on the field of honour, and + prove him a scoundrel and a liar: as he was; though, perhaps, not in this + instance. But they contented themselves by answering me by a lawyer, and + declined an invitation which any man of spirit would have accepted. My + hopes of having an heir were thus blighted completely: indeed, Lady Lyndon + (though, as I have said, I take her opposition for nothing) had resisted + the proposal with as much energy as a woman of her weakness could + manifest; and said she had committed one great crime in consequence of me, + but would rather die than perform another. I could easily have brought her + Ladyship to her senses, however: but my scheme had taken wind, and it was + now in vain to attempt it. We might have had a dozen children in honest + wedlock, and people would have said they were false. + </p> + <p> + As for raising money on annuities, I may say I had used her life interest + up. There were but few of those assurance societies in my time which have + since sprung up in the city of London; underwriters did the business, and + my wife’s life was as well known among them as, I do believe, that of any + woman in Christendom. Latterly, when I wanted to get a sum against her + life, the rascals had the impudence to say my treatment of her did not + render it worth a year’s purchase,—as if my interest lay in killing + her! Had my boy lived, it would have been a different thing; he and his + mother might have cut off the entail of a good part of the property + between them, and my affairs have been put in better order. Now they were + in a bad condition indeed. All my schemes had turned out failures; my + lands, which I had purchased with borrowed money, made me no return, and I + was obliged to pay ruinous interest for the sums with which I had + purchased them. My income, though very large, was saddled with hundreds of + annuities, and thousands of lawyers’ charges; and I felt the net drawing + closer and closer round me, and no means to extricate myself from its + toils. + </p> + <p> + To add to all my perplexities, two years after my poor child’s death, my + wife, whose vagaries of temper and wayward follies I had borne with for + twelve years, wanted to leave me, and absolutely made attempts at what she + called escaping from my tyranny. + </p> + <p> + My mother, who was the only person that, in my misfortunes, remained + faithful to me (indeed, she has always spoken of me in my true light, as a + martyr to the rascality of others and a victim of my own generous and + confiding temper), found out the first scheme that was going on; and of + which those artful and malicious Tiptoffs were, as usual, the main + promoters. Mrs. Barry, indeed, though her temper was violent and her ways + singular, was an invaluable person to me in my house; which would have + been at rack and ruin long before, but for her spirit of order and + management, and for her excellent economy in the government of my numerous + family. As for my Lady Lyndon, she, poor soul! was much too fine a lady to + attend to household matters—passed her days with her doctor, or her + books of piety, and never appeared among us except at my compulsion; when + she and my mother would be sure to have a quarrel. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Barry, on the contrary, had a talent for management in all matters. + She kept the maids stirring, and the footmen to their duty; had an eye + over the claret in the cellar, and the oats and hay in the stable; saw to + the salting and pickling, the potatoes and the turf-stacking, the + pig-killing and the poultry, the linen-room and the bakehouse, and the ten + thousand minutiae of a great establishment. If all Irish housewives were + like her, I warrant many a hall-fire would be blazing where the cobwebs + only grow now, and many a park covered with sheep and fat cattle where the + thistles are at present the chief occupiers. If anything could have saved + me from the consequences of villainy in others, and (I confess it, for I + am not above owning to my faults) my own too easy, generous, and careless + nature, it would have been the admirable prudence of that worthy creature. + She never went to bed until all the house was quiet and all the candles + out; and you may fancy that this was a matter of some difficulty with a + man of my habits, who had commonly a dozen of jovial fellows (artful + scoundrels and false friends most of them were!) to drink with me every + night, and who seldom, for my part, went to bed sober. Many and many a + night, when I was unconscious of her attention, has that good soul pulled + my boots off, and seen me laid by my servants snug in bed, and carried off + the candle herself; and been the first in the morning, too, to bring me my + drink of small-beer. Mine were no milksop times, I can tell you. A + gentleman thought no shame of taking his half-dozen bottles; and, as for + your coffee and slops, they were left to Lady Lyndon, her doctor, and the + other old women. It was my mother’s pride that I could drink more than any + man in the country,—as much, within a pint, as my father before me, + she said. + </p> + <p> + That Lady Lyndon should detest her was quite natural. She is not the first + of woman or mankind either that has hated a mother-in-law. I set my mother + to keep a sharp watch over the freaks of her Ladyship; and this, you may + be sure, was one of the reasons why the latter disliked her. I never + minded that, however. Mrs. Barry’s assistance and surveillance were + invaluable to me; and, if I had paid twenty spies to watch my Lady, I + should not have been half so well served as by the disinterested care and + watchfulness of my excellent mother. She slept with the house-keys under + her pillow, and had an eye everywhere. She followed all the Countess’s + movements like a shadow; she managed to know, from morning to night, + everything that my Lady did. If she walked in the garden, a watchful eye + was kept on the wicket; and if she chose to drive out, Mrs. Barry + accompanied her, and a couple of fellows in my liveries rode alongside of + the carriage to see that she came to no harm. Though she objected, and + would have kept her room in sullen silence, I made a point that we should + appear together at church in the coach-and-six every Sunday; and that she + should attend the race-balls in my company, whenever the coast was clear + of the rascally bailiffs who beset me. This gave the lie to any of those + maligners who said I wished to make a prisoner of my wife. The fact is, + that, knowing her levity, and seeing the insane dislike to me and mine + which had now begun to supersede what, perhaps, had been an equally insane + fondness for me, I was bound to be on my guard that she should not give me + the slip. Had she left me, I was ruined the next day. This (which my + mother knew) compelled us to keep a tight watch over her; but as for + imprisoning her, I repel the imputation with scorn. Every man imprisons + his wife to a certain degree; the world would be in a pretty condition if + women were allowed to quit home and return to it whenever they had a mind. + In watching over my wife, Lady Lyndon, I did no more than exercise the + legitimate authority which awards honour and obedience to every husband. + </p> + <p> + Such, however, is female artifice, that, in spite of all my watchfulness + in guarding her, it is probable my Lady would have given me the slip, had + I not had quite as acute a person as herself as my ally: for, as the + proverb says that ‘the best way to catch one thief is to set another after + him,’ so the best way to get the better of a woman is to engage one of her + own artful sex to guard her. One would have thought that, followed as she + was, all her letters read, and all her acquaintances strictly watched by + me, living in a remote part of Ireland away from her family, Lady Lyndon + could have had no chance of communicating with her allies, or of making + her wrongs, as she was pleased to call them, public; and yet, for a while, + she carried on a correspondence under my very nose, and acutely organised + a conspiracy for flying from me; as shall be told. + </p> + <p> + She always had an inordinate passion for dress, and, as she was never + thwarted in any whimsey she had of this kind (for I spared no money to + gratify her, and among my debts are milliners’ bills to the amount of many + thousands), boxes used to pass continually to and fro from Dublin, with + all sorts of dresses, caps, flounces, and furbelows, as her fancy + dictated. With these would come letters from her milliner, in answer to + numerous similar injunctions from my Lady; all of which passed through my + hands, without the least suspicion, for some time. And yet in these very + papers, by the easy means of sympathetic ink, were contained all her + Ladyship’s correspondence; and Heaven knows (for it was some time, as I + have said, before I discovered the trick) what charges against me. + </p> + <p> + But clever Mrs. Barry found out that always before my lady-wife chose to + write letters to her milliner, she had need of lemons to make her drink, + as she said; this fact, being mentioned to me, set me a-thinking, and so I + tried one of the letters before the fire, and the whole scheme of villainy + was brought to light. I will give a specimen of one of the horrid artful + letters of this unhappy woman. In a great hand, with wide lines, were + written a set of directions to her mantua-maker, setting forth the + articles of dress for which my Lady had need, the peculiarity of their + make, the stuff she selected, &c. She would make out long lists in + this way, writing each article in a separate line, so as to have more + space for detailing all my cruelties and her tremendous wrongs. Between + these lines she kept the journal of her captivity: it would have made the + fortune of a romance-writer in those days but to have got a copy of it, + and to have published it under the title of the ‘Lovely Prisoner, or the + Savage Husband,’ or by some name equally taking and absurd. The journal + would be as follows:— + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + ‘MONDAY.—Yesterday I was made to go to church. My odious, MONSTROUS, + VULGAR SHE-DRAGON OF A MOTHER-IN-LAW, in a yellow satin and red ribands, + taking the first place in the coach; Mr. L. riding by its side, on the + horse he never paid for to Captain Hurdlestone. The wicked hypocrite led + me to the pew, with hat in hand and a smiling countenance, and kissed my + hand as I entered the coach after service, and patted my Italian greyhound—all + that the few people collected might see. He made me come downstairs in the + evening to make tea for his company; of whom three-fourths, he himself + included, were, as usual, drunk. They painted the parson’s face black, + when his reverence had arrived at his seventh bottle; and at his usual + insensible stage, they tied him on the grey mare with his face to the + tail. The she-dragon read the “Whole Duty of Man” all the evening till + bedtime; when she saw me to my apartments, locked me in, and proceeded to + wait upon her abominable son: whom she adores for his wickedness, I should + think, AS STYCORAX DID CALIBAN.’ + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + You should have seen my mother’s fury as I read her out this passage! + Indeed, I have always had a taste for a joke (that practised on the + parson, as described above, is, I confess, a true bill), and used + carefully to select for Mrs. Barry’s hearing all the COMPLIMENTS that Lady + Lyndon passed upon her. The dragon was the name by which she was known in + this precious correspondence: or sometimes she was designated by the title + of the ‘Irish Witch.’ As for me, I was denominated ‘my gaoler,’ ‘my + tyrant,’ ‘the dark spirit which has obtained the mastery over my being,’ + and so on; in terms always complimentary to my power, however little they + might be so to my amiability. Here is another extract from her ‘Prison + Diary,’ by which it will be seen that my Lady, although she pretended to + be so indifferent to my goings on, had a sharp woman’s eye, and could be + as jealous as another:— + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + ‘WEDNESDAY.—This day two years my last hope and pleasure in life was + taken from me, and my dear child was called to heaven. Has he joined his + neglected brother there, whom I suffered to grow up unheeded by my side: + and whom the tyranny of the monster to whom I am united drove to exile, + and perhaps to death? Or is the child alive, as my fond heart sometimes + deems? Charles Bullingdon! come to the aid of a wretched mother, who + acknowledges her crimes, her coldness towards thee, and now bitterly pays + for her error! But no, he cannot live! I am distracted! My only hope is in + you, my cousin—you whom I had once thought to salute by a STILL + FONDER TITLE, my dear George Poynings! Oh, be my knight and my preserver, + the true chivalric being thou ever wert, and rescue me from the thrall of + the felon caitiff who holds me captive—rescue me from him, and from + Stycorax, the vile Irish witch, his mother!’ + </p> + <p> + (Here follow some verses, such as her Ladyship was in the habit of + composing by reams, in which she compares herself to Sabra, in the ‘Seven + Champions,’ and beseeches her George to rescue her from THE DRAGON, + meaning Mrs. Barry. I omit the lines, and proceed:)— + </p> + <p> + ‘Even my poor child, who perished untimely on this sad anniversary, the + tyrant who governs me had taught to despise and dislike me. ‘Twas in + disobedience to my orders, my prayers, that he went on the fatal journey. + What sufferings, what humiliations have I had to endure since then! I am a + prisoner in my own halls. I should fear poison, but that I know the wretch + has a sordid interest in keeping me alive, and that my death would be the + signal for his ruin. But I dare not stir without my odious, hideous, + vulgar gaoler, the horrid Irishwoman, who pursues my every step. I am + locked into my chamber at night, like a felon, and only suffered to leave + it when ORDERED into the presence of my lord (<i>I</i> ordered!), to be + present at his orgies with his boon companions, and to hear his odious + converse as he lapses into the disgusting madness of intoxication! He has + given up even the semblance of constancy—he, who swore that I alone + could attach or charm him! And now he brings his vulgar mistresses before + my very eyes, and would have had me acknowledge, as heir to my own + property, his child by another! + </p> + <p> + ‘No, I never will submit! Thou, and thou only, my George, my early friend, + shalt be heir to the estates of Lyndon. Why did not Fate join me to thee, + instead of to the odious man who holds me under his sway, and make the + poor Calista happy?’ + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + So the letters would run on for sheets upon sheets, in the closest cramped + handwriting; and I leave any unprejudiced reader to say whether the writer + of such documents must not have been as silly and vain a creature as ever + lived, and whether she did not want being taken care of? I could copy out + yards of rhapsody to Lord George Poynings, her old flame, in which she + addressed him by the most affectionate names, and implored him to find a + refuge for her against her oppressors; but they would fatigue the reader + to peruse, as they would me to copy. The fact is, that this unlucky lady + had the knack of writing a great deal more than she meant. She was always + reading novels and trash; putting herself into imaginary characters and + flying off into heroics and sentimentalities with as little heart as any + woman I ever knew; yet showing the most violent disposition to be in love. + She wrote always as if she was in a flame of passion. I have an elegy on + her lap-dog, the most tender and pathetic piece she ever wrote; and most + tender notes of remonstrance to Betty, her favourite maid; to her + housekeeper, on quarrelling with her; to half-a-dozen acquaintances, each + of whom she addressed as the dearest friend in the world, and forgot the + very moment she took up another fancy. As for her love for her children, + the above passage will show how much she was capable of true maternal + feeling: the very sentence in which she records the death of one child + serves to betray her egotisms, and to wreak her spleen against myself; and + she only wishes to recall another from the grave, in order that he may be + of some personal advantage to her. If I DID deal severely with this woman, + keeping her from her flatterers who would have bred discord between us, + and locking her up out of mischief, who shall say that I was wrong? If any + woman deserved a strait-waistcoat,—it was my Lady Lyndon; and I have + known people in my time manacled, and with their heads shaved, in the + straw, who had not committed half the follies of that foolish, vain, + infatuated creature. + </p> + <p> + My mother was so enraged by the charges against me and herself which these + letters contained, that it was with the utmost difficulty I could keep her + from discovering our knowledge of them to Lady Lyndon; whom it was, of + course, my object to keep in ignorance of our knowledge of her designs: + for I was anxious to know how far they went, and to what pitch of artifice + she would go. The letters increased in interest (as they say of the + novels) as they proceeded. Pictures were drawn of my treatment of her + which would make your heart throb. I don’t know of what monstrosities she + did not accuse me, and what miseries and starvation she did not profess + herself to undergo; all the while she was living exceedingly fat and + contented, to outward appearances, at our house at Castle Lyndon. + Novel-reading and vanity had turned her brain. I could not say a rough + word to her (and she merited many thousands a day, I can tell you), but + she declared I was putting her to the torture; and my mother could not + remonstrate with her but she went off into a fit of hysterics, of which + she would declare the worthy old lady was the cause. + </p> + <p> + At last she began to threaten to kill herself; and though I by no means + kept the cutlery out of the way, did not stint her in garters, and left + her doctor’s shop at her entire service,—knowing her character full + well, and that there was no woman in Christendom less likely to lay hands + on her precious life than herself; yet these threats had an effect, + evidently, in the quarter to which they were addressed; for the milliner’s + packets now began to arrive with great frequency, and the bills sent to + her contained assurances of coming aid. The chivalrous Lord George + Poynings was coming to his cousin’s rescue, and did me the compliment to + say that he hoped to free his dear cousin from the clutches of the most + atrocious villain that ever disgraced humanity; and that, when she was + free, measures should be taken for a divorce, on the ground of cruelty and + every species of ill-usage on my part. + </p> + <p> + I had copies of all these precious documents on one side and the other + carefully made, by my beforementioned relative, godson, and secretary, Mr. + Redmond Quin at present the WORTHY agent of the Castle Lyndon property. + This was a son of my old flame Nora, whom I had taken from her in a fit of + generosity; promising to care for his education at Trinity College, and + provide for him through life. But after the lad had been for a year at the + University, the tutors would not admit him to commons or lectures until + his college bills were paid; and, offended by this insolent manner of + demanding the paltry sum due, I withdrew my patronage from the place, and + ordered my gentleman to Castle Lyndon; where I made him useful to me in a + hundred ways. In my dear little boy’s lifetime, he tutored the poor child + as far as his high spirit would let him; but I promise you it was small + trouble poor dear Bryan ever gave the books. Then he kept Mrs. Barry’s + accounts; copied my own interminable correspondence with my lawyers and + the agents of all my various property; took a hand at piquet or backgammon + of evenings with me and my mother; or, being an ingenious lad enough + (though of a mean boorish spirit, as became the son of such a father), + accompanied my Lady Lyndon’s spinet with his flageolet; or read French and + Italian with her: in both of which languages her Ladyship was a fine + scholar, and with which he also became conversant. It would make my + watchful old mother very angry to hear them conversing in these languages; + for, not understanding a word of either of them, Mrs. Barry was furious + when they were spoken, and always said it was some scheming they were + after. It was Lady Lyndon’s constant way of annoying the old lady, when + the three were alone together, to address Quin in one or other of these + tongues. + </p> + <p> + I was perfectly at ease with regard to his fidelity, for I had bred the + lad, and loaded him with benefits; and, besides, had had various proofs of + his trustworthiness. He it was who brought me three of Lord George’s + letters, in reply to some of my Lady’s complaints; which were concealed + between the leather and the boards of a book which was sent from the + circulating library for her Ladyship’s perusal. He and my Lady too had + frequent quarrels. She mimicked his gait in her pleasanter moments; in her + haughty moods, she would not sit down to table with a tailor’s grandson. + ‘Send me anything for company but that odious Quin,’ she would say, when I + proposed that he should go and amuse her with his books and his flute; + for, quarrelsome as we were, it must not be supposed we were always at it: + I was occasionally attentive to her. We would be friends for a month + together, sometimes; then we would quarrel for a fortnight; then she would + keep her apartments for a month: all of which domestic circumstances were + noted down, in her Ladyship’s peculiar way, in her journal of captivity, + as she called it; and a pretty document it is! Sometimes she writes, ‘My + monster has been almost kind to-day;’ or, ‘My ruffian has deigned to + smile.’ Then she will break out into expressions of savage hate; but for + my poor mother it was ALWAYS hatred. It was, ‘The she-dragon is sick + to-day; I wish to Heaven she would die!’ or, ‘The hideous old Irish + basketwoman has been treating me to some of her Billingsgate to-day,’ and + so forth: all which expressions, read to Mrs. Barry, or translated from + the French and Italian, in which many of them were written, did not fail + to keep the old lady in a perpetual fury against her charge: and so I had + my watch-dog, as I called her, always on the alert. In translating these + languages, young Quin was of great service to me; for I had a smattering + of French—and High Dutch, when I was in the army, of course, I knew + well—but Italian I knew nothing of, and was glad of the services of + so faithful and cheap an interpreter. + </p> + <p> + This cheap and faithful interpreter, this godson and kinsman, on whom and + on whose family I had piled up benefits, was actually trying to betray me; + and for several months, at least, was in league with the enemy against me. + I believe that the reason why they did not move earlier was the want of + the great mover of all treasons—money: of which, in all parts of my + establishment, there was a woful scarcity; but of this they also managed + to get a supply through my rascal of a godson, who could come and go quite + unsuspected: the whole scheme was arranged under our very noses, and the + post-chaise ordered, and the means of escape actually got ready; while I + never suspected their design. + </p> + <p> + A mere accident made me acquainted with their plan. One of my colliers had + a pretty daughter; and this pretty lass had for her bachelor, as they call + them in Ireland, a certain lad, who brought the letter-bag for Castle + Lyndon (and many a dunning letter for me was there in it, God wot!): this + letter-boy told his sweetheart how he brought a bag of money from the town + for Master Quin; and how that Tim the post-boy had told him that he was to + bring a chaise down to the water at a certain hour. Miss Rooney, who had + no secrets from me, blurted out the whole story; asked me what scheming I + was after, and what poor unlucky girl I was going to carry away with the + chaise I had ordered, and bribe with the money I had got from town? + </p> + <p> + Then the whole secret flashed upon me, that the man I had cherished in my + bosom was going to betray me. I thought at one time of catching the couple + in the act of escape, half drowning them in the ferry which they had to + cross to get to their chaise, and of pistolling the young traitor before + Lady Lyndon’s eyes; but, on second thoughts, it was quite clear that the + news of the escape would make a noise through the country, and rouse the + confounded justice’s people about my ears, and bring me no good in the + end. So I was obliged to smother my just indignation, and to content + myself by crushing the foul conspiracy, just at the moment it was about to + be hatched. + </p> + <p> + I went home, and in half-an-hour, and with a few of my terrible looks, I + had Lady Lyndon on her knees, begging me to forgive her; confessing all + and everything; ready to vow and swear she would never make such an + attempt again; and declaring that she was fifty times on the point of + owning everything to me, but that she feared my wrath against the poor + young lad her accomplice: who was indeed the author and inventor of all + the mischief. This—though I knew how entirely false the statement + was—I was fain to pretend to believe; so I begged her to write to + her cousin, Lord George, who had supplied her with money, as she admitted, + and with whom the plan had been arranged, stating, briefly, that she had + altered her mind as to the trip to the country proposed; and that, as her + dear husband was rather in delicate health, she preferred to stay at home + and nurse him. I added a dry postscript, in which I stated that it would + give me great pleasure if his Lordship would come and visit us at Castle + Lyndon, and that I longed to renew an acquaintance which in former times + gave me so much satisfaction. ‘I should seek him out,’ I added, ‘so soon + as ever I was in his neighbourhood, and eagerly anticipated the pleasure + of a meeting with him.’ I think he must have understood my meaning + perfectly well; which was, that I would run him through the body on the + very first occasion I could come at him. + </p> + <p> + Then I had a scene with my perfidious rascal of a nephew; in which the + young reprobate showed an audacity and a spirit for which I was quite + unprepared. When I taxed him with ingratitude, ‘What do I owe you?’ said + he. ‘I have toiled for you as no man ever did for another, and worked + without a penny of wages. It was you yourself who set me against you, by + giving me a task against which my soul revolted,—by making me a spy + over your unfortunate wife, whose weakness is as pitiable as are her + misfortunes and your rascally treatment of her. Flesh and blood could not + bear to see the manner in which you used her. I tried to help her to + escape from you; and I would do it again, if the opportunity offered, and + so I tell you to your teeth!’ When I offered to blow his brains out for + his insolence, ‘Pooh!’ said he,—‘kill the man who saved your poor + boy’s life once, and who was endeavouring to keep him out of the ruin and + perdition into which a wicked father was leading him, when a Merciful + Power interposed, and withdrew him from this house of crime? I would have + left you months ago, but I hoped for some chance of rescuing this unhappy + lady. I swore I would try, the day I saw you strike her. Kill me, you + woman’s bully! You would if you dared; but you have not the heart. Your + very servants like me better than you. Touch me, and they will rise and + send you to the gallows you merit!’ + </p> + <p> + I interrupted this neat speech by sending a water-bottle at the young + gentleman’s head, which felled him to the ground; and then I went to + meditate upon what he had said to me. It was true the fellow had saved + poor little Bryan’s life, and the boy to his dying day was tenderly + attached to him. ‘Be good to Redmond, papa,’ were almost the last words he + spoke; and I promised the poor child, on his death-bed, that I would do as + he asked. It was also true, that rough usage of him would be little liked + by my people, with whom he had managed to become a great favourite: for, + somehow, though I got drunk with the rascals often, and was much more + familiar with them than a man of my rank commonly is, yet I knew I was by + no means liked by them; and the scoundrels were murmuring against me + perpetually. + </p> + <p> + But I might have spared myself the trouble of debating what his fate + should be, for the young gentleman took the disposal of it out of my hands + in the simplest way in the world: viz. by washing and binding up his head + so soon as he came to himself: by taking his horse from the stables; and, + as he was quite free to go in and out of the house and park as he liked, + he disappeared without the least let or hindrance; and leaving the horse + behind him at the ferry, went off in the very post-chaise which was + waiting for Lady Lyndon. I saw and heard no more of him for a considerable + time; and now that he was out of the house, did not consider him a very + troublesome enemy. + </p> + <p> + But the cunning artifice of woman is such that, I think, in the long run, + no man, were he Machiavel himself, could escape from it; and though I had + ample proofs in the above transaction (in which my wife’s perfidious + designs were frustrated by my foresight), and under her own handwriting, + of the deceitfulness of her character and her hatred for me, yet she + actually managed to deceive me, in spite of all my precautions and the + vigilance of my mother in my behalf. Had I followed that good lady’s + advice, who scented the danger from afar off, as it were, I should never + have fallen into the snare prepared for me; and which was laid in a way + that was as successful as it was simple. + </p> + <p> + My Lady Lyndon’s relation with me was a singular one. Her life was passed + in a crack-brained sort of alternation between love and hatred for me. If + I was in a good-humour with her (as occurred sometimes) there was nothing + she would not do to propitiate me further; and she would be as absurd and + violent in her expressions of fondness as, at other moments, she would be + in her demonstrations of hatred. It is not your feeble easy husbands who + are loved best in the world; according to my experience of it. I do think + the women like a little violence of temper, and think no worse of a + husband who exercises his authority pretty smartly. I had got my Lady into + such a terror about me, that when I smiled, it was quite an era of + happiness to her; and if I beckoned to her, she would come fawning up to + me like a dog. I recollect how, for the few days I was at school, the + cowardly mean-spirited fellows would laugh if ever our schoolmaster made a + joke. It was the same in the regiment whenever the bully of a sergeant was + disposed to be jocular—not a recruit but was on the broad grin. + Well, a wise and determined husband will get his wife into this condition + of discipline; and I brought my high-born wife to kiss my hand, to pull + off my boots, to fetch and carry for me like a servant, and always to make + it a holiday, too, when I was in good-humour. I confided perhaps too much + in the duration of this disciplined obedience, and forgot that the very + hypocrisy which forms a part of it (all timid people are liars in their + hearts) may be exerted in a way that may be far from agreeable, in order + to deceive you. + </p> + <p> + After the ill-success of her last adventure, which gave me endless + opportunities to banter her, one would have thought I might have been on + my guard as to what her real intentions were; but she managed to mislead + me with an art of dissimulation quite admirable, and lulled me into a + fatal security with regard to her intentions: for, one day, as I was + joking her, and asking her whether she would take the water again, whether + she had found another lover, and so forth, she suddenly burst into tears, + and, seizing hold of my hand, cried passionately out,— + </p> + <p> + ‘Ah, Barry, you know well enough that I have never loved but you! Was I + ever so wretched that a kind word from you did not make me happy! ever so + angry, but the least offer of goodwill on your part did not bring me to + your side? Did I not give a sufficient proof of my affection for you, in + bestowing one of the first fortunes in England upon you? Have I repined or + rebuked you for the way you have wasted it? No, I loved you too much and + too fondly; I have always loved you. From the first moment I saw you, I + felt irresistibly attracted towards you. I saw your bad qualities, and + trembled at your violence; but I could not help loving you. I married you, + though I knew I was sealing my own fate in doing so; and in spite of + reason and duty. What sacrifice do you want from me? I am ready to make + any, so you will but love me; or, if not, that at least you will gently + use me.’ + </p> + <p> + I was in a particularly good humour that day, and we had a sort of + reconciliation: though my mother, when she heard the speech, and saw me + softening towards her Ladyship, warned me solemnly, and said, ‘Depend on + it, the artful hussy has some other scheme in her head now.’ The old lady + was right; and I swallowed the bait which her Ladyship had prepared to + entrap me as simply as any gudgeon takes a hook. + </p> + <p> + I had been trying to negotiate with a man for some money, for which I had + pressing occasion; but since our dispute regarding the affair of the + succession, my Lady had resolutely refused to sign any papers for my + advantage: and without her name, I am sorry to say, my own was of little + value in the market, and I could not get a guinea from any money-dealer in + London or Dublin. Nor could I get the rascals from the latter place to + visit me at Castle Lyndon: owing to that unlucky affair I had with Lawyer + Sharp when I made him lend me the money he brought down, and old Salmon + the Jew being robbed of the bond I gave him after leaving my house, + [Footnote: These exploits of Mr. Lyndon are not related in the narrative. + He probably, in the cases above alluded to, took the law into his own + hands.] the people would not trust themselves within my walls any more. + Our rents, too, were in the hands of receivers by this time, and it was as + much as I could do to get enough money from the rascals to pay my + wine-merchants their bills. Our English property, as I have said, was + equally hampered; and, as often as I applied to my lawyers and agents for + money, would come a reply demanding money of me, for debts and pretended + claims which the rapacious rascals said they had on me. + </p> + <p> + It was, then, with some feelings of pleasure that I got a letter from my + confidential man in Gray’s Inn, London, saying (in reply to some + ninety-ninth demand of mine) that he thought he could get me some money; + and inclosing a letter from a respectable firm in the city of London, + connected with the mining interest, which offered to redeem the + incumbrance in taking a long lease of certain property of ours, which was + still pretty free, upon the Countess’s signature; and provided they could + be assured of her free will in giving it. They said they heard she lived + in terror of her life from me, and meditated a separation, in which case + she might repudiate any deeds signed by her while in durance, and subject + them, at any rate, to a doubtful and expensive litigation; and demanded to + be made assured of her Ladyship’s perfect free will in the transaction + before they advanced a shilling of their capital. + </p> + <p> + Their terms were so exorbitant, that I saw at once their offer must be + sincere; and, as my Lady was in her gracious mood, had no difficulty in + persuading her to write a letter, in her own hand, declaring that the + accounts of our misunderstandings were utter calumnies; that we lived in + perfect union, and that she was quite ready to execute any deed which her + husband might desire her to sign. + </p> + <p> + This proposal was a very timely one, and filled me with great hopes. I + have not pestered my readers with many accounts of my debts and law + affairs; which were by this time so vast and complicated that I never + thoroughly knew them myself, and was rendered half wild by their urgency. + Suffice it to say, my money was gone—my credit was done. I was + living at Castle Lyndon off my own beef and mutton, and the bread, turf, + and potatoes off my own estate: I had to watch Lady Lyndon within, and the + bailiffs without. For the last two years, since I went to Dublin to + receive money (which I unluckily lost at play there, to the disappointment + of my creditors), I did not venture to show in that city: and could only + appear at our own county town at rare intervals, and because I knew the + sheriffs: whom I swore I would murder if any ill chance happened to me. A + chance of a good loan, then, was the most welcome prospect possible to me, + and I hailed it with all the eagerness imaginable. + </p> + <p> + In reply to Lady Lyndon’s letter, came, in course of time, an answer from + the confounded London merchants, stating that if her Ladyship would + confirm by word of mouth, at their counting-house in Birchin Lane, London, + the statement of her letter, they, having surveyed her property, would no + doubt come to terms; but they declined incurring the risk of a visit to + Castle Lyndon to negotiate, as they were aware how other respectable + parties, such as Messrs. Sharp and Salmon of Dublin, had been treated + there. This was a hit at me; but there are certain situations in which + people can’t dictate their own terms: and, ‘faith, I was so pressed now + for money, that I could have signed a bond with Old Nick himself, if he + had come provided with a good round sum. + </p> + <p> + I resolved to go and take the Countess to London. It was in vain that my + mother prayed and warned me. ‘Depend on it,’ says she, ‘there is some + artifice. When once you get into that wicked town, you are not safe. Here + you may live for years and years, in luxury and splendour, barring claret + and all the windows broken; but as soon as they have you in London, + they’ll get the better of my poor innocent lad; and the first thing I + shall hear of you will be, that you are in trouble.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Why go, Redmond?’ said my wife. ‘I am happy here, as long as you are kind + to me, as you are now. We can’t appear in London as we ought; the little + money you will get will be spent, like all the rest has been. Let us turn + shepherd and shepherdess, and look to our flocks and be content.’ And she + took my hand and kissed it; while my mother only said, ‘Humph! I believe + she’s at the bottom of it—the wicked SCHAMER!’ + </p> + <p> + I told my wife she was a fool; bade Mrs. Barry not be uneasy, and was hot + upon going: I would take no denial from either party. How I was to get the + money to go was the question; but that was solved by my good mother, who + was always ready to help me on a pinch, and who produced sixty guineas + from a stocking. This was all the ready money that Barry Lyndon, of Castle + Lyndon, and married to a fortune of forty thousand a year, could command: + such had been the havoc made in this fine fortune by my own extravagance + (as I must confess), but chiefly by my misplaced confidence and the + rascality of others. + </p> + <p> + We did not start in state, you may be sure. We did not let the country + know we were going, or leave notice of adieu with our neighbours. The + famous Mr. Barry Lyndon and his noble wife travelled in a hack-chaise and + pair to Waterford, under the name of Mr. and Mrs. Jones, and thence took + shipping for Bristol, where we arrived quite without accident. When a man + is going to the deuce, how easy and pleasant the journey is! The thought + of the money quite put me in a good humour, and my wife, as she lay on my + shoulder in the post-chaise going to London, said it was the happiest ride + she had taken since our marriage. + </p> + <p> + One night we stayed at Reading, whence I despatched a note to my agent at + Gray’s Inn, saying I would be with him during the day, and begging him to + procure me a lodging, and to hasten the preparations for the loan. My Lady + and I agreed that we would go to France, and wait there for better times; + and that night, over our supper, formed a score of plans both for pleasure + and retrenchment. You would have thought it was Darby and Joan together + over their supper. O woman! woman! when I recollect Lady Lyndon’s smiles + and blandishments—how happy she seemed to be on that night! what an + air of innocent confidence appeared in her behaviour, and what + affectionate names she called me!—I am lost in wonder at the depth + of her hypocrisy. Who can be surprised that an unsuspecting person like + myself should have been a victim to such a consummate deceiver! + </p> + <p> + We were in London at three o’clock, and half-an-hour before the time + appointed our chaise drove to Gray’s Inn. I easily found out Mr. + Tapewell’s apartments—a gloomy den it was, and in an unlucky hour I + entered it! As we went up the dirty back-stair, lighted by a feeble lamp + and the dim sky of a dismal London afternoon, my wife seemed agitated and + faint. + </p> + <p> + ‘Redmond,’ said she, as we got up to the door, ‘don’t go in: I am sure + there is danger. There’s time yet; let us go back—to Ireland—anywhere!’ + And she put herself before the door, in one of her theatrical attitudes, + and took my hand. + </p> + <p> + I just pushed her away to one side. ‘Lady Lyndon,’ said I, ‘you are an old + fool!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Old fool!’ said she; and she jumped at the bell, which was quickly + answered by a mouldy-looking gentleman in an unpowdered wig, to whom she + cried, ‘Say Lady Lyndon is here;’ and stalked down the passage muttering + ‘Old fool.’ It was ‘OLD’ which was the epithet that touched her. I might + call her anything but that. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Tapewell was in his musty room, surrounded by his parchments and tin + boxes. He advanced and bowed; begged her Ladyship to be seated; pointed + towards a chair for me, which I took, rather wondering at his insolence; + and then retreated to a side-door, saying he would be back in one moment. + </p> + <p> + And back he DID come in one moment, bringing with him—whom do you + think? Another lawyer, six constables in red waistcoats with bludgeons and + pistols, my Lord George Poynings, and his aunt Lady Jane Peckover. + </p> + <p> + When my Lady Lyndon saw her old flame, she flung herself into his arms in + an hysterical passion. She called him her saviour, her preserver, her + gallant knight; and then, turning round to me, poured out a flood of + invective which quite astonished me. + </p> + <p> + ‘Old fool as I am,’ said she, ‘I have outwitted the most crafty and + treacherous monster under the sun. Yes, I WAS a fool when I married you, + and gave up other and nobler hearts for your sake—yes, I was a fool + when I forgot my name and lineage to unite myself with a base-born + adventurer—a fool to bear, without repining, the most monstrous + tyranny that ever woman suffered; to allow my property to be squandered; + to see women, as base and low-born as yourself’— + </p> + <p> + ‘For Heaven’s sake, be calm!’ cries the lawyer; and then bounded back + behind the constables, seeing a threatening look in my eye which the + rascal did not like. Indeed. I could have torn him to pieces, had he come + near me. Meanwhile, my Lady continued in a strain of incoherent fury; + screaming against me, and against my mother especially, upon whom she + heaped abuse worthy of Billingsgate, and always beginning and ending the + sentence with the word fool. + </p> + <p> + ‘You don’t tell all, my Lady,’ says I bitterly; ‘I said OLD fool.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I have no doubt you said and did, sir, everything that a blackguard could + say or do,’ interposed little Poynings. ‘This lady is now safe under the + protection of her relations and the law, and need fear your infamous + persecutions no longer.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘But YOU are not safe,’ roared I; ‘and, as sure as I am a man of honour, + and have tasted your blood once, I will have your heart’s blood now.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Take down his words, constables: swear the peace against him!’ screamed + the little lawyer, from behind his tipstaffs. + </p> + <p> + ‘I would not sully my sword with the blood of such a ruffian,’ cried my + Lord, relying on the same doughty protection. ‘If the scoundrel remains in + London another day, he will be seized as a common swindler.’ And this + threat indeed made me wince; for I knew that there were scores of writs + out against me in town, and that once in prison my case was hopeless. + </p> + <p> + ‘Where’s the man will seize me!’ shouted I, drawing my sword, and placing + my back to the door. ‘Let the scoundrel come. You—you cowardly + braggart, come first, if you have the soul of a man!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘We’re not going to seize you!’ said the lawyer; my Ladyship, her aunt, + and a division of the bailiffs moving off as he spoke. ‘My dear sir, we + don’t wish to seize you: we will give you a handsome sum to leave the + country; only leave her Ladyship in peace!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘And the country will be well rid of such a villain!’ says my Lord, + retreating too, and not sorry to get out of my reach: and the scoundrel of + a lawyer followed him, leaving me in possession of the apartment, and in + company of the bullies from the police-office, who were all armed to the + teeth. I was no longer the man I was at twenty, when I should have charged + the ruffians sword in hand, and have sent at least one of them to his + account. I was broken in spirit; regularly caught in the toils: utterly + baffled and beaten by that woman. Was she relenting at the door, when she + paused and begged me turn back? Had she not a lingering love for me still? + Her conduct showed it, as I came to reflect on it. It was my only chance + now left in the world, so I put down my sword upon the lawyer’s desk. + </p> + <p> + ‘Gentlemen,’ said I, ‘I shall use no violence; you may tell Mr. Tapewell I + am quite ready to speak with him when he is at leisure!’ and I sat down + and folded my arms quite peaceably. What a change from the Barry Lyndon of + old days! but, as I have read in an old book about Hannibal the + Carthaginian general, when he invaded the Romans, his troops, which were + the most gallant in the world, and carried all before them, went into + cantonments in some city where they were so sated with the luxuries and + pleasures of life, that they were easily beaten in the next campaign. It + was so with me now. My strength of mind and body were no longer those of + the brave youth who shot his man at fifteen, and fought a score of battles + within six years afterwards. Now, in the Fleet Prison, where I write this, + there is a small man who is always jeering me and making game of me; who + asks me to fight, and I haven’t the courage to touch him. But I am + anticipating the gloomy and wretched events of my history of humiliation, + and had better proceed in order. + </p> + <p> + I took a lodging in a coffee-house near Gray’s Inn; taking care to inform + Mr. Tapewell of my whereabouts, and anxiously expecting a visit from him. + He came and brought me the terms which Lady Lyndon’s friends proposed-a + paltry annuity of L300 a year; to be paid on the condition of my remaining + abroad out of the three kingdoms, and to be stopped on the instant of my + return. He told me what I very well knew, that my stay in London would + infallibly plunge me in gaol; that there were writs innumerable taken out + against me here, and in the West of England; that my credit was so blown + upon that I could not hope to raise a shilling; and he left me a night to + consider of his proposal; saying that, if I refused it, the family would + proceed: if I acceded, a quarter’s salary should be paid to me at any + foreign port I should prefer. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +What was the poor, lonely, and broken-hearted man to do? I took the +annuity, and was declared outlaw in the course of next week. The rascal +Quin had, I found, been, after all, the cause of my undoing. It was he +devised the scheme for bringing me up to London; sealing the attorney’s +letter with a seal which had been agreed upon between him and the +Countess formerly: indeed he had always been for trying the plan, and +had proposed it at first; but her Ladyship, with her inordinate love of +romance, preferred the project of elopement. Of these points my mother +wrote me word in my lonely exile, offering at the same time to come over +and share it with me; which proposal I declined. She left Castle Lyndon +a very short time after I had quitted it; and there was silence in that +hall where, under my authority, had been exhibited so much hospitality +and splendour. She thought she would never see me again, and bitterly +reproached me for neglecting her; but she was mistaken in that, and in +her estimate of me. She is very old, and is sitting by my side at this +moment in the prison, working: she has a bedroom in Fleet Market over +the way; and, with the fifty-pound annuity, which she has kept with +a wise prudence, we manage to eke out a miserable existence, quite +unworthy of the famous and fashionable Barry Lyndon. + + Mr. Barry Lyndon’s personal narrative finishes here, for the hand +of death interrupted the ingenious author soon after the period at which +the Memoir was compiled; after he had lived nineteen years an inmate +of the Fleet Prison, where the prison records state he died of delirium +tremens. His mother attained a prodigious old age, and the inhabitants +of the place in her time can record with accuracy the daily disputes +which used to take place between mother and son; until the latter, from +habits of intoxication, falling into a state of almost imbecility, +was tended by his tough old parent as a baby almost, and would cry if +deprived of his necessary glass of brandy. +</pre> + <p> + His life on the Continent we have not the means of following accurately; + but he appears to have resumed his former profession of a gambler, without + his former success. + </p> + <p> + He returned secretly to England, after some time, and made an abortive + attempt to extort money from Lord George Poynings, under a threat of + publishing his correspondence with Lady Lyndon, and so preventing his + Lordship’s match with Miss Driver, a great heiress, of strict principles, + and immense property in slaves in the West Indies. Barry narrowly escaped + being taken prisoner by the bailiffs who were despatched after him by his + lordship, who would have stopped his pension; but Lady Lyndon would never + consent to that act of justice, and, indeed, broke with my Lord George the + very moment he married the West India lady. + </p> + <p> + The fact is, the old Countess thought her charms were perennial, and was + never out of love with her husband. She was living at Bath; her property + being carefully nursed by her noble relatives the Tiptoffs, who were to + succeed to it in default of direct heirs: and such was the address of + Barry, and the sway he still held over the woman, that he actually had + almost persuaded her to go and live with him again; when his plan and hers + was interrupted by the appearance of a person who had been deemed dead for + several years. + </p> + <p> + This was no other than Viscount Bullingdon, who started up to the surprise + of all; and especially to that of his kinsman of the house of Tiptoff. + This young nobleman made his appearance at Bath, with the letter from + Barry to Lord George in his hand; in which the former threatened to expose + his connection with Lady Lyndon—a connection, we need not state, + which did not reflect the slightest dishonour upon either party, and only + showed that her Ladyship was in the habit of writing exceedingly foolish + letters; as many ladies, nay gentlemen, have done ere this. For calling + the honour of his mother in question, Lord Bullingdon assaulted his + stepfather (living at Bath under the name of Mr. Jones), and administered + to him a tremendous castigation in the Pump-Room. + </p> + <p> + His Lordship’s history, since his departure, was a romantic one, which we + do not feel bound to narrate. He had been wounded in the American War, + reported dead, left prisoner, and escaped. The remittances which were + promised him were never sent; the thought of the neglect almost broke the + heart of the wild and romantic young man, and he determined to remain dead + to the world at least, and to the mother who had denied him. It was in the + woods of Canada, and three years after the event had occurred, that he saw + the death of his half-brother chronicled in the Gentleman’s Magazine, + under the title of ‘Fatal Accident to Lord Viscount Castle Lyndon;’ on + which he determined to return to England: where, though he made himself + known, it was with very great difficulty indeed that he satisfied Lord + Tiptoff of the authenticity of his claim. He was about to pay a visit to + his lady mother at Bath, when he recognised the well-known face of Mr. + Barry Lyndon, in spite of the modest disguise which that gentleman wore, + and revenged upon his person the insults of former days. + </p> + <p> + Lady Lyndon was furious when she heard of the rencounter; declined to see + her son, and was for rushing at once to the arms of her adored Barry; but + that gentleman had been carried off, meanwhile, from gaol to gaol, until + he was lodged in the hands of Mr. Bendigo, of Chancery Lane, an assistant + to the Sheriff of Middlesex; from whose house he went to the Fleet Prison. + The Sheriff and his assistant, the prisoner, nay, the prison itself, are + now no more. + </p> + <p> + As long as Lady Lyndon lived, Barry enjoyed his income, and was perhaps as + happy in prison as at any period of his existence; when her Ladyship died, + her successor sternly cut off the annuity, devoting the sum to charities: + which, he said, would make a nobler use of it than the scoundrel who had + enjoyed it hitherto. At his Lordship’s death, in the Spanish campaign, in + the year 1811, his estate fell in to the family of the Tiptoffs, and his + title merged in their superior rank; but it does not appear that the + Marquis of Tiptoff (Lord George succeeded to the title on the demise of + his brother) renewed either the pension of Mr. Barry or the charities + which the late lord had endowed. The estate has vastly improved under his + Lordship’s careful management. The trees in Hackton Park are all about + forty years old, and the Irish property is rented in exceedingly small + farms to the peasantry; who still entertain the stranger with stories of + the daring and the devilry, and the wickedness and the fall of Barry + Lyndon. + </p> + <p> + THE END <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg’s Barry Lyndon, by William Makepeace Thackeray + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BARRY LYNDON *** + +***** This file should be named 4558-h.htm or 4558-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/4/5/5/4558/ + +Produced by Steve Harris, Charles Franks, David Widger and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase “Project +Gutenberg”), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +http://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. “Project Gutenberg” is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation (“the Foundation” + or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase “Project Gutenberg” appears, or with which the phrase “Project +Gutenberg” is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase “Project Gutenberg” associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +“Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original “Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, “Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.” + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +“Defects,” such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the “Right +of Replacement or Refund” described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you ‘AS-IS’ WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm’s +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation’s EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +http://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state’s laws. + +The Foundation’s principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation’s web site and official +page at http://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit http://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + + +</pre> + </body> +</html> diff --git a/old/brryl10.txt b/old/brryl10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..17176c3 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/brryl10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,12670 @@ +The Project Gutenberg Etext of Barry Lyndon +by William Makepeace Thackeray +(#27 in our series by William Makepeace Thackeray) + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the +copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing +this or any other Project Gutenberg file. + +We encourage you to keep this file, exactly as it is, on your own disk, +thereby keeping an electronic path open for future readers. + +Please do not remove this. + +This header should be the first thing seen when anyone starts to +view the etext. Do not change or edit it without written permission. +The words are carefully chosen to provide users with the information +they need to understand what they may and may not do with the etext. +To encourage this, we have moved most of the information to the end, +rather than having it all here at the beginning. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**Etexts Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These Etexts Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + +Information on contacting Project Gutenberg to get etexts, and +further information, is included below. We need your donations. + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a 501(c)(3) +organization with EIN [Employee Identification Number] 64-6221541 +Find out about how to make a donation at the bottom of this file. + + + +Title: Barry Lyndon + +Author: William Makepeace Thackeray + +Release Date: October, 2003 [Etext #4558] +[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule] +[This file was first posted on February 10, 2002] +[Date last updated: April 29, 2004] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +The Project Gutenberg Etext of Barry Lyndon +by William Makepeace Thackeray +******This file should be named brryl10.txt or brryl10.zip****** + +Corrected EDITIONS of our etexts get a new NUMBER, brryl11.txt +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, brryl10a.txt + +Project Gutenberg Etexts are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we usually do not +keep etexts in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +The "legal small print" and other information about this book +may now be found at the end of this file. Please read this +important information, as it gives you specific rights and +tells you about restrictions in how the file may be used. + + + + +Produced by Steve Harris, Charles Franks and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + + +BARRY LYNDON + + +FROM THE WORKS OF + + +WILLIAM MAKEPEACE THACKERAY + + +EDITED BY WALTER JERROLD + + + + +CONTENTS + + BIBLIOGRAPHICAL NOTE + + I.--MY PEDIGREE AND FAMILY--UNDERGO THE INFLUENCE OF THE TENDER + PASSION + + II.--IN WHICH I SHOW MYSELF TO BE A MAN OF SPIRIT + + III.--I MAKE A FALSE START IN THE GENTEEL WORLD + + IV.--IN WHICH BARRY TAKES A NEAR VIEW OF MILITARY GLORY + + V.--IN WHICH BARRY TRIES TO REMOVE AS FAR FROM MILITARY GLORY AS + POSSIBLE + + VI.--THE CRIMP WAGGON--MILITARY EPISODES + + VII.--BARRY LEADS A GARRISON LIFE, AND FINDS MANY FRIENDS THERE + + VIII.--BARRY BIDS ADIEU TO THE MILITARY PROFESSION + + IX.--I APPEAR IN A MANNER BECOMING MY NAME AND LINEAGE + + X.--MORE RUNS OF LUCK + + XI.--IN WHICH THE LUCK GOES AGAINST BARRY + + XII.--CONTAINS THE TRAGICAL HISTORY OF THE PRINCESS OF X----- + + XIII.--I CONTINUE MY CAREER AS A MAN OF FASHION + + XIV.--I RETURN TO IRELAND, AND EXHIBIT MY SPLENDOUR AND GENEROSITY + IN THAT KINGDOM + + XV.--I PAY COURT TO MY LADY LYNDON + + XVI.--I PROVIDE NOBLY FOR MY FAMILY, AND ATTAIN THE HEIGHT OF MY + (SEEMING) GOOD FORTUNE + + XVII.--I APPEAR AS AN ORNAMENT OF ENGLISH SOCIETY + +XVIII.--IN WHICH MY GOOD FORTUNE BEGINS TO WAVER + + XIX.--CONCLUSION + + + + + + +BARRY LYNDON + + +A BIBLIOGRAPHICAL NOTE + +Barry Lyndon--far from the best known, but by some critics acclaimed +as the finest, of Thackeray's works--appeared originally as a serial +a few years before VANITY FAIR was written; yet it was not published +in book form, and then not by itself, until after the publication of +VANITY FAIR, PENDENNIS, ESMOND and THE NEWCOMES had placed its +author in the forefront of the literary men of the day. So many +years after the event we cannot help wondering why the story was not +earlier put in book form; for in its delineation of the character of +an adventurer it is as great as VANITY FAIR, while for the local +colour of history, if I may put it so, it is no undistinguished +precursor of ESMOND. + +In the number of FRASER'S MAGAZINE for January 1844 appeared the +first instalment of 'THE LUCK OF BARRY LYNDON, ESQ., A ROMANCE OF +THE LAST CENTURY, by FitzBoodle,' and the story continued to appear +month by month--with the exception of October--up to the end of the +year, when the concluding portion was signed 'G. S. FitzBoodle.' +FITZBOODLE'S CONFESSIONS, it should be added, had appeared +occasionally in the magazine during the years immediately precedent, +so that the pseudonym was familiar to FRASER'S readers. The story +was written, according to its author's own words, 'with a great deal +of dulness, unwillingness and labour,' and was evidently done as the +instalments were required, for in August he wrote 'read for "B. L." +all the morning at the club,' and four days later of '"B. L." lying +like a nightmare on my mind.' The journey to the East--which was to +give us in literary results NOTES OF A JOURNEY FROM CORNHILL TO +GRAND CAIRO--was begun with BARRY LYNDON yet unfinished, for at +Malta the author noted on the first three days of November--'Wrote +Barry but slowly and with great difficulty.' 'Wrote Barry with no +more success than yesterday.' 'Finished Barry after great throes +late at night.' In the number of Fraser's for the following month, +as I have said, the conclusion appeared. A dozen years later, in +1856, the story formed the first part of the third volume of +Thackeray's MISCELLANIES, when it was called MEMOIRS OF BARRY +LYNDON, ESQ., WRITTEN BY HIMSELF. Since then, it has nearly always +been issued with other matter, as though it were not strong enough +to stand alone, or as though the importance of a work was mainly to +be gauged by the number of pages to be crowded into one cover. The +scheme of the present edition fortunately allows fitting honour to +be done to the memoirs of the great adventurer. + +To come from the story as a whole to the personality of the +eponymous hero. Three widely-differing historical individuals are +suggested as having contributed to the composite portrait. Best +known of these was that very prince among adventurers, G. J. +Casanova de Seingalt, a man who in the latter half of the eighteenth +century played the part of adventurer--and generally that of the +successful adventurer--in most of the European capitals; who within +the first five-and-twenty years of his life had been 'abbe, +secretary to Cardinal Aquaviva, ensign, and violinist, at Rome, +Constantinople, Corfu, and his own birthplace (Venice), where he +cured a senator of apoplexy.' His autobiography, MEMOIRES ECRIT PAR +LUI MEME (in twelve volumes), has been described as 'unmatched as a +self-revelation of scoundrelism.' It has also been suggested, with I +think far less colour of probability, that the original of Barry was +the diplomatist and satiric poet Sir Charles Hanbury Williams, whom +Dr Johnson described as 'our lively and elegant though too +licentious lyrick bard.' The third original, and one who, there +cannot be the slightest doubt, contributed features to the great +portrait, is a certain Andrew Robinson Stoney, afterwards Stoney- +Bowes. + +The original of the Countess Lyndon was Mary Eleanor Bowes, Dowager +Countess of Strathmore, and heiress of a very wealthy Durham family. +This lady had many suitors, but in 1777 Stoney, a bankrupt +lieutenant on half pay, who had fought a duel on her behalf, induced +her to marry him, and subsequently hyphenated her name with his own. +He became member of Parliament, and ran such extravagant courses as +does Barry Lyndon, treated his wife with similar barbarity, abducted +her when she had escaped from him, and then, after being divorced, +found his way to a debtors' prison. There are similarities here +which no seeker after originals can overlook. Mrs Ritchie says that +her father had a friend at Paris, 'a Mr Bowes, who may have first +told him this history of which the details are almost incredible, as +quoted from the papers of the time.' The name of Thackeray's friend +is a curious coincidence, unless, as may well have been the case, he +was a connection of the family into which the notorious adventurer +had married. It is not unlikely that Thackeray had seen the work +published in 1810--the year of Stoney-Bowes's death--in which the +whole unhappy romance was set forth. This was 'THE LIVES OF ANDREW +ROBINSON BOWES ESQ., and THE COUNTESS OF STRATHMORE. Written from +thirty-three years' Professional Attendance, from letters and other +well authenticated Documents by Jesse Foot, Surgeon.' In this book +we find several incidents similar to ones in the story. Bowes cut +down all the timber on his wife's estate, but 'the neighbours would +not buy it.' Such practical jokes as Barry Lyndon played upon his +son's tutor were played by Bowes on his chaplain. The story of +Stoney and his marriage will be found briefly given in the notice of +the Countess's life in the DICTIONARY OF NATIONAL BIOGRAPHY. + +Whence that part of the romantic interlude dealing with the stay in +the Duchy of X----, dealt with in chapter x., etc., was inspired, +Thackeray's own note\books (as quoted by Mrs Ritchie) conclusively +show: 'January 4,1844. Read in a silly book called L'EMPIRE, a good +story about the first K. of Wurtemberg's wife; killed by her husband +for adultery. Frederic William, born in 1734 (?), m. in 1780 the +Princess Caroline of Brunswick Wolfenbuttel, who died the 27th +September 1788. For the rest of the story see L'EMPIRE, OU DIX ANS +SOUS NAPOLEON, PAR UN CHAMBELLAN: Paris, Allardin, 1836; vol. i. +220.' The 'Captain Freny' to whom Barry owed his adventures on his +journey to Dublin (chapter iii.) was a notorious highwayman, on +whose doings Thackeray had enlarged in the fifteenth chapter of his +IRISH SKETCH BOOK. + +Despite the slowness with which it was written, and the seeming +neglect with which it was permitted to remain unreprinted, BARRY +LYNDON was to be hailed by competent critics as one of Thackeray's +finest performances, though the author himself seems to have had no +strong regard for the story. His daughter has recorded, 'My father +once said to me when I was a girl: "You needn't read BARRY LYNDON, +you won't like it." Indeed, it is scarcely a book to LIKE, but one +to admire and to wonder at for its consummate power and mastery.' +Another novelist, Anthony Trollope, has said of it: 'In imagination, +language, construction, and general literary capacity, Thackeray +never did anything more remarkable than BARRY LYNDON.' Mr Leslie +Stephen says: 'All later critics have recognised in this book one of +his most powerful performances. In directness and vigour he never +surpassed it.' + +W.J. + + + + +The Memoires of BARRY LYNDON, ESQ. + + + + +CHAPTER I + +MY PEDIGREE AND FAMILY--UNDERGO THE INFLUENCE OF THE TENDER PASSION + + +Since the days of Adam, there has been hardly a mischief done in +this world but a woman has been at the bottom of it. Ever since ours +was a family (and that must be very NEAR Adam's time,--so old, +noble, and illustrious are the Barrys, as everybody knows) women +have played a mighty part with the destinies of our race. + +I presume that there is no gentleman in Europe that has not heard of +the house of Barry of Barryogue, of the kingdom of Ireland, than +which a more famous name is not to be found in Gwillim or D'Hozier; +and though, as a man of the world, I have learned to despise +heartily the claims of some PRETENDERS to high birth who have no +more genealogy than the lacquey who cleans my boots, and though I +laugh to utter scorn the boasting of many of my countrymen, who are +all for descending from kings of Ireland, and talk of a domain no +bigger than would feed a pig as if it were a principality; yet truth +compels me to assert that my family was the noblest of the island, +and, perhaps, of the universal world; while their possessions, now +insignificant and torn from us by war, by treachery, by the loss of +time, by ancestral extravagance, by adhesion to the old faith and +monarch, were formerly prodigious, and embraced many counties, at a +time when Ireland was vastly more prosperous than now. I would +assume the Irish crown over my coat-of-arms, but that there are so +many silly pretenders to that distinction who bear it and render it +common. + +Who knows, but for the fault of a woman, I might have been wearing +it now? You start with incredulity. I say, why not? Had there been a +gallant chief to lead my countrymen, instead or puling knaves who +bent the knee to King Richard II., they might have been freemen; had +there been a resolute leader to meet the murderous ruffian Oliver +Cromwell, we should have shaken off the English for ever. But there +was no Barry in the field against the usurper; on the contrary, my +ancestor, Simon de Bary, came over with the first-named monarch, and +married the daughter of the then King of Munster, whose sons in +battle he pitilessly slew. + +In Oliver's time it was too late for a chief of the name of Barry to +lift up his war-cry against that of the murderous brewer. We were +princes of the land no longer; our unhappy race had lost its +possessions a century previously, and by the most shameful treason. +This I know to be the fact, for my mother has often told me the +story, and besides had worked it in a worsted pedigree which hung up +in the yellow saloon at Barryville where we lived. + +That very estate which the Lyndons now possess in Ireland was once +the property of my race. Rory Barry of Barryogue owned it in +Elizabeth's time, and half Munster beside. The Barry was always in +feud with the O'Mahonys in those times; and, as it happened, a +certain English colonel passed through the former's country with a +body of men-at-arms, on the very day when the O'Mahonys had made an +inroad upon our territories, and carried off a frightful plunder of +our flocks and herds. + +This young Englishman, whose name was Roger Lyndon, Linden, or +Lyndaine, having been most hospitably received by the Barry, and +finding him just on the point of carrying an inroad into the +O'Mahonys' land, offered the aid of himself and his lances, and +behaved himself so well, as it appeared, that the O'Mahonys were +entirely overcome, all the Barrys' property restored, and with it, +says the old chronicle, twice as much of the O'Mahonys' goods and +cattle. + +It was the setting in of the winter season, and the young soldier +was pressed by the Barry not to quit his house of Barryogue, and +remained there during several months, his men being quartered with +Barry's own gallowglasses, man by man in the cottages round about. +They conducted themselves, as is their wont, with the most +intolerable insolence towards the Irish; so much so, that fights and +murders continually ensued, and the people vowed to destroy them. + +The Barry's son (from whom I descend) was as hostile to the English +as any other man on his domain; and, as they would not go when +bidden, he and his friends consulted together and determined on +destroying these English to a man. + +But they had let a woman into their plot, and this was the Barry's +daughter. She was in love with the English Lyndon, and broke the +whole secret to him; and the dastardly English prevented the just +massacre of themselves by falling on the Irish, and destroying +Phaudrig Barry, my ancestor, and many hundreds of his men. The cross +at Barrycross near Carrignadihioul is the spot where the odious +butchery took place. + +Lyndon married the daughter of Roderick Barry, and claimed the +estate which he left: and though the descendants of Phaudrig were +alive, as indeed they are in my person,[Footnote: As we have never +been able to find proofs of the marriage of my ancestor Phaudrig +with his wife, I make no doubt that Lyndon destroyed the contract, +and murdered the priest and witnesses of the marriage.--B. L.] on +appealing to the English courts, the estate was awarded to the +Englishman, as has ever been the case where English and Irish were +concerned. + +Thus, had it not been for the weakness of a woman, I should have +been born to the possession of those very estates which afterwards +came to me by merit, as you shall hear. But to proceed with my +family, history. + +My father was well known to the best circles in this kingdom, as in +that of Ireland, under the name of Roaring Harry Barry. He was bred +like many other young sons of genteel families to the profession of +the law, being articled to a celebrated attorney of Sackville Street +in the city of Dublin; and, from his great genius and aptitude for +learning, there is no doubt he would have made an eminent figure in +his profession, had not his social qualities, love of field-sports, +and extraordinary graces of manner, marked him out for a higher +sphere. While he was attorney's clerk he kept seven race-horses, and +hunted regularly both with the Kildare and Wicklow hunts; and rode +on his grey horse Endymion that famous match against Captain Punter, +which is still remembered by lovers of the sport, and of which I +caused a splendid picture to be made and hung over my dining-hall +mantelpiece at Castle Lyndon. A year afterwards he had the honour of +riding that very horse Endymion before his late Majesty King George +II. at New-market, and won the plate there and the attention of the +august sovereign. + +Although he was only the second son of our family, my dear father +came naturally into the estate (now miserably reduced to L400 a +year); for my grandfather's eldest son Cornelius Barry (called the +Chevalier Borgne, from a wound which he received in Germany) +remained constant to the old religion in which our family was +educated, and not only served abroad with credit, but against His +Most Sacred Majesty George II. in the unhappy Scotch disturbances in +'45. We shall hear more of the Chevalier hereafter. + +For the conversion of my father I have to thank my dear mother, Miss +Bell Brady, daughter of Ulysses Brady of Castle Brady, county Kerry, +Esquire and J.P. She was the most beautiful woman of her day in +Dublin, and universally called the Dasher there. Seeing her at the +assembly, my father became passionately attached to her; but her +soul was above marrying a Papist or an attorney's clerk; and so, for +the love of her, the good old laws being then in force, my dear +father slipped into my uncle Cornelius's shoes and took the family +estate. Besides the force of my mother's bright eyes, several +persons, and of the genteelest society too, contributed to this +happy change; and I have often heard my mother laughingly tell the +story of my father's recantation, which was solemnly pronounced at +the tavern in the company of Sir Dick Ringwood, Lord Bagwig, Captain +Punter, and two or three other young sparks of the town. Roaring +Harry won 300 pieces that very night at faro, and laid the necessary +information the next morning against his brother; but his conversion +caused a coolness between him and my uncle Corney, who joined the +rebels in consequence. + +This great difficulty being settled, my Lord Bagwig lent my father +his own yacht, then lying at the Pigeon House, and the handsome Bell +Brady was induced to run away with him to England, although her +parents were against the match, and her lovers (as I have heard her +tell many thousands of times) were among the most numerous and the +most wealthy in all the kingdom of Ireland. They were married at the +Savoy, and my grandfather dying very soon, Harry Barry, Esquire, +took possession of his paternal property and supported our +illustrious name with credit in London. He pinked the famous Count +Tiercelin behind Montague House, he was a member of 'White's,' and a +frequenter of all the chocolate-houses; and my mother, likewise, +made no small figure. At length, after his great day of triumph +before His Sacred Majesty at Newmarket, Harry's fortune was just on +the point of being made, for the gracious monarch promised to +provide for him. But alas! he was taken in charge by another +monarch, whose will have no delay or denial,--by Death, namely, who +seized upon my father at Chester races, leaving me a helpless +orphan. Peace be to his ashes! He was not faultless, and dissipated +all our princely family property; but he was as brave a fellow as +ever tossed a bumper or called a main, and he drove his coach-and- +six like a man of fashion. + +I do not know whether His gracious Majesty was much affected by this +sudden demise of my father, though my mother says he shed some royal +tears on the occasion. But they helped us to nothing: and all that +was found in the house for the wife and creditors was a purse of +ninety guineas, which my dear mother naturally took, with the family +plate, and my father's wardrobe and her own; and putting them into +our great coach, drove off to Holyhead, whence she took shipping for +Ireland. My father's body accompanied us in the finest hearse and +plumes money could buy; for though the husband and wife had +quarrelled repeatedly in life, yet at my father's death his high- +spirited widow forgot all her differences, gave him the grandest +funeral that had been seen for many a day, and erected a monument +over his remains (for which I subsequently paid), which declared him +to be the wisest, purest, and most affectionate of men. + +In performing these sad duties over her deceased lord, the widow +spent almost every guinea she had, and, indeed, would have spent a +great deal more, had she discharged one-third of the demands which +the ceremonies occasioned. But the people around our old house of +Barryogue, although they did not like my father for his change of +faith, yet stood by him at this moment, and were for exterminating +the mutes sent by Mr. Plumer of London with the lamented remains. +The monument and vault in the church were then, alas! all that +remained of my vast possessions; for my father had sold every stick +of the property to one Notley, an attorney, and we received but a +cold welcome in his house--a miserable old tumble-down place it was. +[Footnote: In another part of his memoir Mr. Barry will be found to +describe this mansion as one of the most splendid palaces in Europe; +but this is a practice not unusual with his nation; and with respect +to the Irish principality claimed by him, it is known that Mr. +Barry's grandfather was an attorney and maker of his own fortune.] + +The splendour of the funeral did not fail to increase the widow +Barry's reputation as a woman of spirit and fashion; and when she +wrote to her brother Michael Brady, that worthy gentleman +immediately rode across the country to fling himself in her arms, +and to invite her in his wife's name to Castle Brady. + +Mick and Barry had quarrelled, as all men will, and very high words +had passed between them during Barry's courtship of Miss Bell. When +he took her off, Brady swore he would never forgive Barry or Bell; +but coming to London in the year '46, he fell in once more with +Roaring Harry, and lived in his fine house in Clarges Street, and +lost a few pieces to him at play, and broke a watchman's head or two +in his company,--all of which reminiscences endeared Bell and her +son very much to the good-hearted gentleman, and he received us both +with open arms. Mrs. Barry did not, perhaps wisely, at first make +known to her friends what was her condition; but arriving in a huge +gilt coach with enormous armorial bearings, was taken by her sister- +in-law and the rest of the county for a person of considerable +property and distinction. For a time, then, and as was right and +proper, Mrs. Barry gave the law at Castle Brady. She ordered the +servants to and fro, and taught them, what indeed they much wanted, +a little London neatness; and 'English Redmond,' as I was called, +was treated like a little lord, and had a maid and a footman to +himself; and honest Mick paid their wages,--which was much more than +he was used to do for his own domestics,--doing all in his power to +make his sister decently comfortable under her afflictions. Mamma, +in return, determined that, when her affairs were arranged, she +would make her kind brother a handsome allowance for her son's +maintenance and her own; and promised to have her handsome furniture +brought over from Clarges Street to adorn the somewhat dilapidated +rooms of Castle Brady. + +But it turned out that the rascally landlord seized upon every chair +and table that ought by rights to have belonged to the widow. The +estate to which I was heir was in the hands of rapacious creditors; +and the only means of subsistence remaining to the widow and child +was a rent-charge of L50 upon my Lord Bagwig's property, who had +many turf-dealings with the deceased. And so my dear mother's +liberal intentions towards her brother were of course never +fulfilled. + +It must be confessed, very much to the discredit of Mrs. Brady of +Castle Brady, that when her sister-in-law's poverty was thus made +manifest, she forgot all the respect which she had been accustomed +to pay her, instantly turned my maid and man-servant out of doors, +and told Mrs. Barry that she might follow them as soon as she chose. +Mrs. Mick was of a low family, and a sordid way of thinking; and +after about a couple of years (during which she had saved almost all +her little income) the widow complied with Madam Brady's desire. At +the same time, giving way to a just though prudently dissimulated +resentment, she made a vow that she would never enter the gates of +Castle Brady while the lady of the house remained alive within them. + +She fitted up her new abode with much economy and considerable +taste, and never, for all her poverty, abated a jot of the dignity +which was her due and which all the neighbourhood awarded to her. +How, indeed, could they refuse respect to a lady who had lived in +London, frequented the most fashionable society there, and had been +presented (as she solemnly declared) at Court? These advantages gave +her a right which seems to be pretty unsparingly exercised in +Ireland by those natives who have it,--the right of looking down +with scorn upon all persons who have not had the opportunity of +quitting the mother-country and inhabiting England for a while. +Thus, whenever Madam Brady appeared abroad in a new dress, her +sister-in-law would say, 'Poor creature! how can it be expected that +she should know anything of the fashion?' And though pleased to be +called the handsome widow, as she was, Mrs. Barry was still better +pleased to be called the English widow. + +Mrs. Brady, for her part, was not slow to reply: she used to say +that the defunct Barry was a bankrupt and a beggar; and as for the +fashionable society which he saw, he saw it from my Lord Bagwig's +side-table, whose flatterer and hanger-on he was known to be. +Regarding Mrs. Barry, the lady of Castle Brady would make +insinuations still more painful. However, why should we allude to +these charges, or rake up private scandal of a hundred years old? It +was in the reign of George II that the above-named personages lived +and quarrelled; good or bad, handsome or ugly, rich or poor, they +are all equal now; and do not the Sunday papers and the courts of +law supply us every week with more novel and interesting slander? + +At any rate, it must be allowed that Mrs. Barry, after her husband's +death and her retirement, lived in such a way as to defy slander. +For whereas Bell Brady had been the gayest girl in the whole county +of Wexford, with half the bachelors at her feet, and plenty of +smiles and encouragement for every one of them, Bell Barry adopted a +dignified reserve that almost amounted to pomposity, and was as +starch as any Quakeress. Many a man renewed his offers to the widow, +who had been smitten by the charms of the spinster; but Mrs. Barry +refused all offers of marriage, declaring that she lived now for her +son only, and for the memory of her departed saint. + +'Saint forsooth!' said ill-natured Mrs. Brady. + +'Harry Barry was as big a sinner as ever was known; and 'tis +notorious that he and Bell hated each other. If she won't marry now, +depend on it, the artful woman has a husband in her eye for all +that, and only waits until Lord Bagwig is a widower.' + +And suppose she did, what then? Was not the widow of a Barry fit to +marry with any lord of England? and was it not always said that a +woman was to restore the fortunes of the Barry family? If my mother +fancied that SHE was to be that woman, I think it was a perfectly +justifiable notion on her part; for the Earl (my godfather) was +always most attentive to her: I never knew how deeply this notion of +advancing my interests in the world had taken possession of mamma's +mind, until his Lordship's marriage in the year '57 with Miss +Goldmore, the Indian nabob's rich daughter. + +Meanwhile we continued to reside at Barryville, and, considering the +smallness of our income, kept up a wonderful state. Of the half- +dozen families that formed the congregation at Brady's Town, there +was not a single person whose appearance was so respectable as that +of the widow, who, though she always dressed in mourning, in memory +of her deceased husband, took care that her garments should be made +so as to set off her handsome person to the greatest advantage; and, +indeed, I think, spent six hours out of every day in the week in +cutting, trimming, and altering them to the fashion. She had the +largest of hoops and the handsomest of furbelows, and once a month +(under my Lord Bagwig's cover) would come a letter from London +containing the newest accounts of the fashions there. Her complexion +was so brilliant that she had no call to use rouge, as was the mode +in those days. No, she left red and white, she said (and hence the +reader may imagine how the two ladies hated each other) to Madam +Brady, whose yellow complexion no plaster could alter. In a word, +she was so accomplished a beauty, that all the women in the country +took pattern by her, and the young fellows from ten miles round +would ride over to Castle Brady church to have the sight of her. + +But if (like every other woman that ever I saw or read of) she was +proud of her beauty, to do her justice she was still more proud of +her son, and has said a thousand times to me that I was the +handsomest young fellow in the world. This is a matter of taste. A +man of sixty may, however, say what he was at fourteen without much +vanity, and I must say I think there was some cause for my mother's +opinion. The good soul's pleasure was to dress me; and on Sundays +and holidays I turned out in a velvet coat with a silver-hilted +sword by my side and a gold garter at my knee, as fine as any lord +in the land. My mother worked me several most splendid waistcoats, +and I had plenty of lace for my ruffles, and a fresh riband to my +hair, and as we walked to church on Sundays, even envious Mrs. Brady +was found to allow that there was not a prettier pair in the +kingdom. + +Of course, too, the lady of Castle Brady used to sneer, because on +these occasions a certain Tim, who used to be called my valet, +followed me and my mother to church, carrying a huge prayer-book and +a cane, and dressed in the livery of one of our own fine footmen +from Clarges Street, which, as Tim was a bandy-shanked little +fellow, did not exactly become him. But, though poor, we were +gentlefolks, and not to be sneered out of these becoming appendages +to our rank; and so would march up the aisle to our pew with as much +state and gravity as the Lord Lieutenant's lady and son might do. +When there, my mother would give the responses and amens in a loud +dignified voice that was delightful to hear, and, besides, had a +fine loud voice for singing, which art she had perfected in London +under a fashionable teacher; and she would exercise her talent in +such a way that you would hardly hear any other voice of the little +congregation which chose to join in the psalm. In fact, my mother +had great gifts in every way, and believed herself to be one of the +most beautiful, accomplished, and meritorious persons in the world. +Often and often has she talked to me and the neighbours regarding +her own humility and piety, pointing them out in such a way that I +would defy the most obstinate to disbelieve her. + +When we left Castle Brady we came to occupy a house in Brady's town, +which mamma christened Barryville. I confess it was but a small +place, but, indeed, we made the most of it. I have mentioned the +family pedigree which hung up in the drawingroom, which mamma called +the yellow saloon, and my bedroom was called the pink bedroom, and +hers the orange tawny apartment (how well I remember them all!); and +at dinner-time Tim regularly rang a great bell, and we each had a +silver tankard to drink from, and mother boasted with justice that I +had as good a bottle of claret by my side as any squire of the land. +So indeed I had, but I was not, of course, allowed at my tender +years to drink any of the wine; which thus attained a considerable +age, even in the decanter. + +Uncle Brady (in spite of the family quarrel) found out the above +fact one day by calling at Barryville at dinner-time, and unluckily +tasting the liquor. You should have seen how he sputtered and made +faces! But the honest gentleman was not particular about his wine, +or the company in which he drank it. He would get drunk, indeed, +with the parson or the priest indifferently; with the latter, much +to my mother's indignation, for, as a true blue Nassauite, she +heartily despised all those of the old faith, and would scarcely sit +down in the room with a benighted Papist. But the squire had no such +scruples; he was, indeed, one of the easiest, idlest, and best- +natured fellows that ever lived, and many an hour would he pass with +the lonely widow when he was tired of Madam Brady at home. He liked +me, he said, as much as one of his own sons, and at length, after +the widow had held out for a couple of years, she agreed to allow me +to return to the castle; though, for herself, she resolutely kept +the oath which she had made with regard to her sister-in-law. + +The very first day I returned to Castle Brady my trials may be said, +in a manner, to have begun. My cousin, Master Mick, a huge monster +of nineteen (who hated me, and I promise you I returned the +compliment), insulted me at dinner about my mother's poverty, and +made all the girls of the family titter. So when we went to the +stables, whither Mick always went for his pipe of tobacco after +dinner, I told him a piece of my mind, and there was a fight for at +least ten minutes, during which I stood to him like a man, and +blacked his left eye, though I was myself only twelve years old at +the time. Of course he beat me, but a beating makes only a small +impression on a lad of that tender age, as I had proved many times +in battles with the ragged Brady's Town boys before, not one of +whom, at my time of life, was my match. My uncle was very much +pleased when he heard of my gallantry; my cousin Nora brought brown +paper and vinegar for my nose, and I went home that night with a +pint of claret under my girdle, not a little proud, let me tell you, +at having held my own against Mick so long. + +And though he persisted in his bad treatment of me, and used to cane +me whenever I fell in his way, yet I was very happy now at Castle +Brady with the company there, and my cousins, or some of them, and +the kindness of my uncle, with whom I became a prodigious favourite. +He bought a colt for me, and taught me to ride. He took me out +coursing and fowling, and instructed me to shoot flying. And at +length I was released from Mick's persecution, for his brother, +Master Ulick, returning from Trinity College, and hating his elder +brother, as is mostly the way in families of fashion, took me under +his protection; and from that time, as Ulick was a deal bigger and +stronger than Mick, I, English Redmond, as I was called, was left +alone; except when the former thought fit to thrash me, which he did +whenever he thought proper. + +Nor was my learning neglected in the ornamental parts, for I had an +uncommon natural genius for many things, and soon topped in +accomplishments most of the persons around me. I had a quick ear and +a fine voice, which my mother cultivated to the best of her power, +and she taught me to step a minuet gravely and gracefully, and thus +laid the foundation of my future success in life. The common dances +I learned (as, perhaps, I ought not to confess) in the servants' +hall, which, you may be sure, was never without a piper, and where I +was considered unrivalled both at a hornpipe and a jig. + +In the matter of book-learning, I had always an uncommon taste for +reading plays and novels, as the best part of a gentleman's polite +education, and never let a pedlar pass the village, if I had a +penny, without having a ballad or two from him. As for your dull +grammar, and Greek and Latin and stuff, I have always hated them +from my youth upwards, and said, very unmistakably, I would have +none of them. + +This I proved pretty clearly at the age of thirteen, when my aunt +Biddy Brady's legacy of L100 came in to mamma, who thought to employ +the sum on my education, and sent me to Doctor Tobias Tickler's +famous academy at Ballywhacket--Backwhacket, as my uncle used to +call it. But six weeks after I had been consigned to his reverence, +I suddenly made my appearance again at Castle Brady, having walked +forty miles from the odious place, and left the Doctor in a state +near upon apoplexy. The fact was, that at taw, prison-bars, or +boxing, I was at the head of the school, but could not be brought to +excel in the classics; and after having been flogged seven times, +without its doing me the least good in my Latin, I refused to submit +altogether (finding it useless) to an eighth application of the rod. +'Try some other way, sir,' said I, when he was for horsing me once +more; but he wouldn't; whereon, and to defend myself, I flung a +slate at him, and knocked down a Scotch usher with a leaden +inkstand. All the lads huzza'd at this, and some or the servants +wanted to stop me; but taking out a large clasp-knife that my cousin +Nora had given me, I swore I would plunge it into the waistcoat of +the first man who dared to balk me, and faith they let me pass on. I +slept that night twenty miles off Ballywhacket, at the house of a +cottier, who gave me potatoes and milk, and to whom I gave a hundred +guineas after, when I came to visit Ireland in my days of greatness. +I wish I had the money now. But what's the use of regret? I have had +many a harder bed than that I shall sleep on to-night, and many a +scantier meal than honest Phil Murphy gave me on the evening I ran +away from school. So six weeks' was all the schooling I ever got. +And I say this to let parents know the value of it; for though I +have met more learned book-worms in the world, especially a great +hulking, clumsy, blear-eyed old doctor, whom they called Johnson, +and who lived in a court off Fleet Street, in London, yet I pretty +soon silenced him in an argument (at 'Button's Coffeehouse'); and in +that, and in poetry, and what I call natural philosophy, or the +science of life, and in riding, music, leaping, the small-sword, the +knowledge of a horse, or a main of cocks, and the manners of an +accomplished gentleman and a man of fashion, I may say for myself +that Redmond Barry has seldom found his equal. 'Sir,' said I to Mr. +Johnson, on the occasion I allude to--he was accompanied by a Mr. +Buswell of Scotland, and I was presented to the club by a Mr. +Goldsmith, a countryman of my own--'Sir,' said I, in reply to the +schoolmaster's great thundering quotation in Greek, 'you fancy you +know a great deal more than me, because you quote your Aristotle and +your Pluto; but can you tell me which horse will win at Epsom Downs +next week?--Can you run six miles without breathing?--Can you shoot +the ace of spades ten times without missing? If so, talk about +Aristotle and Pluto to me.' + +'D'ye knaw who ye're speaking to?' roared out the Scotch gentleman, +Mr. Boswell, at this. + +'Hold your tongue, Mr. Boswell,' said the old schoolmaster. 'I had +no right to brag of my Greek to the gentleman, and he has answered +me very well.' + +'Doctor,' says I, looking waggishly at him, 'do you know ever a +rhyme for ArisTOTLE?' + +'Port, if you plaise,' says Mr. Goldsmith, laughing. And we had SIX +RHYMES FOR ARISTOTLE before we left the coffee-house that evening. +It became a regular joke afterwards when I told the story, and at +'White's' or the 'Cocoa-tree' you would hear the wags say, 'Waiter, +bring me one of Captain Barry's rhymes for Aristotle.' Once, when I +was in liquor at the latter place, young Dick Sheridan called me a +great Staggerite, a joke which I could never understand. But I am +wandering from my story, and must get back to home, and dear old +Ireland again. + +I have made acquaintance with the best in the land since, and my +manners are such, I have said, as to make me the equal of them all; +and, perhaps, you will wonder how a country boy, as I was, educated +amongst Irish squires, and their dependants of the stable and farm, +should arrive at possessing such elegant manners as I was +indisputably allowed to have. I had, the fact is, a very valuable +instructor in the person of an old gamekeeper, who had served the +French king at Fontenoy, and who taught me the dances and customs, +and a smattering of the language of that country, with the use of +the sword, both small and broad. Many and many a long mile I have +trudged by his side as a lad, he telling me wonderful stories of the +French king, and the Irish brigade, and Marshal Saxe, and the opera- +dancers; he knew my uncle, too, the Chevalier Borgne, and indeed had +a thousand accomplishments which he taught me in secret. I never +knew a man like him for making or throwing a fly, for physicking a +horse, or breaking, or choosing one; he taught me manly sports, from +birds'-nesting upwards, and I always shall consider Phil Purcell as +the very best tutor I could have had. His fault was drink, but for +that I have always had a blind eye; and he hated my cousin Mick like +poison; but I could excuse him that too. + +With Phil, and at the age of fifteen, I was a more accomplished man +than either of my cousins; and I think Nature had been also more +bountiful to me in the matter of person. Some of the Castle Brady +girls (as you shall hear presently) adored me. At fairs and races +many of the prettiest lasses present said they would like to have me +for their bachelor; and yet somehow, it must be confessed, I was not +popular. + +In the first place, every one knew I was bitter poor; and I think, +perhaps, it was my good mother's fault that I was bitter proud too. +I had a habit of boasting in company of my birth, and the splendour +of my carriages, gardens, cellars, and domestics, and this before +people who were perfectly aware of my real circumstances. If it was +boys, and they ventured to sneer, I would beat them, or die for it; +and many's the time I've been brought home well-nigh killed by one +or more of them, on what, when my mother asked me, I would say was +'a family quarrel.' 'Support your name with your blood, Reddy my +boy,' would that saint say, with the tears in her eyes; and so would +she herself have done with her voice, ay, and her teeth and nails. + +Thus, at fifteen, there was scarce a lad of twenty, for half-a-dozen +miles round, that I had not beat for one cause or other. There were +the vicar's two sons of Castle Brady--in course I could not +associate with such beggarly brats as them, and many a battle did we +have as to who should take the wall in Brady's Town; there was Pat +Lurgan, the blacksmith's son, who had the better of me four times +before we came to the crowning fight, when I overcame him; and I +could mention a score more of my deeds of prowess in that way, but +that fisticuff facts are dull subjects to talk of, and to discuss +before high-bred gentlemen and ladies. + +However, there is another subject, ladies, on which I must +discourse, and THAT is never out of place. Day and night you like to +hear of it: young and old, you dream and think of it. Handsome and +ugly (and, faith, before fifty, I never saw such a thing as a plain +woman), it's the subject next to the hearts of all of you; and I +think you guess my riddle without more trouble. LOVE! sure the word +is formed on purpose out of the prettiest soft vowels and consonants +in the language, and he or she who does not care to read about it is +not worth a fig, to my thinking. + +My uncle's family consisted of ten children; who, as is the custom +in such large families, were divided into two camps, or parties; the +one siding with their mamma, the other taking the part of my uncle +in all the numerous quarrels which arose between that gentleman and +his lady. Mrs. Brady's faction was headed by Mick, the eldest son, +who hated me so, and disliked his father for keeping him out of his +property: while Ulick, the second brother, was his father's own boy; +and, in revenge, Master Mick was desperately afraid of him. I need +not mention the girls' names; I had plague enough with them in +after-life, Heaven knows; and one of them was the cause of all my +early troubles: this was (though to be sure all her sisters denied +it) the belle of the family, Miss Honoria Brady by name. + +She said she was only nineteen at the time; but I could read the +fly-leaf in the family Bible as well as another (it was one of the +three books which, with the backgammon-board, formed my uncle's +library), and know that she was born in the year '37, and christened +by Doctor Swift, Dean of St. Patrick's, Dublin: hence she was three- +and-twenty years old at the time she and I were so much together. + +When I come to think about her now, I know she never could have been +handsome; for her figure was rather of the fattest, and her mouth of +the widest; she was freckled over like a partridge's egg, and her +hair was the colour of a certain vegetable which we eat with boiled +beef, to use the mildest term. Often and often would my dear mother +make these remarks concerning her; but I did not believe them then, +and somehow had gotten to think Honoria an angelical being, far +above all the other angels of her sex. + +And as we know very well that a lady who is skilled in dancing or +singing never can perfect herself without a deal of study in +private, and that the song or the minuet which is performed with so +much graceful ease in the assembly-room has not been acquired +without vast labour and perseverance in private; so it is with the +dear creatures who are skilled in coquetting. Honoria, for instance, +was always practising, and she would take poor me to rehearse her +accomplishment upon; or the exciseman, when he came his rounds, or +the steward, or the poor curate, or the young apothecary's lad from +Brady's Town: whom I recollect beating once for that very reason. If +he is alive now I make him my apologies. Poor fellow! as if it was +HIS fault that he should be a victim to the wiles of one of the +greatest coquettes (considering her obscure life and rustic +breeding) in the world. + +If the truth must be told--and every word of this narrative of my +life is of the most sacred veracity--my passion for Nora began in a +very vulgar and unromantic way. I did not save her life; on the +contrary, I once very nearly killed her, as you shall hear. I did +not behold her by moonlight playing on the guitar, or rescue her +from the hands of ruffians, as Alfonso does Lindamira in the novel; +but one day, after dinner at Brady's Town, in summer, going into the +garden to pull gooseberries for my dessert, and thinking only of +gooseberries, I pledge my honour, I came upon Miss Nora and one of +her sisters, with whom she was friends at the time, who were both +engaged in the very same amusement. + +'What's the Latin for gooseberry, Redmond?' says she. She was always +'poking her fun,' as the Irish phrase it. + +'I know the Latin for goose,' says I. + +'And what's that?' cries Miss Mysie, as pert as a peacock. + +'Bo to you!' says I (for I had never a want of wit); and so we fell +to work at the gooseberry-bush, laughing and talking as happy as +might be. In the course of our diversion Nora managed to scratch her +arm, and it bled, and she screamed, and it was mighty round and +white, and I tied it up, and I believe was permitted to kiss her +hand; and though it was as big and clumsy a hand as ever you saw, +yet I thought the favour the most ravishing one that was ever +conferred upon me, and went home in a rapture. + +I was much too simple a fellow to disguise any sentiment I chanced +to feel in those days; and not one of the eight Castle Brady girls +but was soon aware of my passion, and joked and complimented Nora +about her bachelor. + +The torments of jealousy the cruel coquette made me endure were +horrible. Sometimes she would treat me as a child, sometimes as a +man. She would always leave me if ever there came a stranger to the +house. + +'For after all, Redmond,' she would say, 'you are but fifteen, and +you haven't a guinea in the world.' At which I would swear that I +would become the greatest hero ever known out of Ireland, and vow +that before I was twenty I would have money enough to purchase an +estate six times as big as Castle Brady. All which vain promises, of +course, I did not keep; but I make no doubt they influenced me in my +very early life, and caused me to do those great actions for which I +have been celebrated, and which shall be narrated presently in +order. + +I must tell one of them, just that my dear young lady readers may +know what sort of a fellow Redmond Barry was, and what a courage and +undaunted passion he had. I question whether any of the jenny- +jessamines of the present day would do half as much in the face of +danger. + +About this time, it must be premised, the United Kingdom was in a +state of great excitement from the threat generally credited of a +French invasion. The Pretender was said to be in high favour at +Versailles, a descent upon Ireland was especially looked to, and the +noblemen and people of condition in that and all other parts of the +kingdom showed their loyalty by raising regiments of horse and foot +to resist the invaders. Brady's Town sent a company to join the +Kilwangan regiment, of which Master Mick was the captain; and we had +a letter from Master Ulick at Trinity College, stating that the +University had also formed a regiment, in which he had the honour to +be a corporal. How I envied them both! especially that odious Mick +as I saw him in his laced scarlet coat, with a ribbon in his hat, +march off at the head of his men. He, the poor spiritless creature, +was a captain, and I nothing,--I who felt I had as much courage as +the Duke of Cumberland himself, and felt, too, that a red jacket +would mightily become me! My mother said I was too young to join the +new regiment; but the fact was, that it was she herself who was too +poor, for the cost of a new uniform would have swallowed up half her +year's income, and she would only have her boy appear in a way +suitable to his birth, riding the finest of racers, dressed in the +best of clothes, and keeping the genteelest of company. + +Well, then, the whole country was alive with war's alarums, the +three kingdoms ringing with military music, and every man of merit +paying his devoirs at the court of Bellona, whilst poor I was +obliged to stay at home in my fustian jacket and sigh for fame in +secret. Mr. Mick came to and fro from the regiment, and brought +numerous of his comrades with him. Their costume and swaggering airs +filled me with grief, and Miss Nora's unvarying attentions to them +served to make me half wild. No one, however, thought of attributing +this sadness to the young lady's score, but rather to my +disappointment at not being allowed to join the military profession. + +Once the officers of the Fencibles gave a grand ball at Kilwangan, +to which, as a matter of course, all the ladies of Castle Brady (and +a pretty ugly coachful they were) were invited. I knew to what +tortures the odious little flirt of a Nora would put me with her +eternal coquetries with the officers, and refused for a long time to +be one of the party to the ball. But she had a way of conquering me, +against which all resistance of mine was in vain. She vowed that +riding in a coach always made her ill. 'And how can I go to the +ball,' said she, 'unless you take me on Daisy behind you on the +pillion?' Daisy was a good blood-mare of my uncle's, and to such a +proposition I could not for my soul say no; so we rode in safety to +Kilwangan, and I felt myself as proud as any prince when she +promised to dance a country-dance with me. + +When the dance was ended, the little ungrateful flirt informed me +that she had quite forgotten her engagement; she had actually danced +the set with an Englishman! I have endured torments in my life, but +none like that. She tried to make up for her neglect, but I would +not. Some of the prettiest girls there offered to console me, for I +was the best dancer in the room. I made one attempt, but was too +wretched to continue, and so remained alone all night in a state of +agony. I would have played, but I had no money; only the gold piece +that my mother bade me always keep in my purse as a gentleman +should. I did not care for drink, or know the dreadful comfort of it +in those days; but I thought of killing myself and Nora, and most +certainly of making away with Captain Quin! + +At last, and at morning, the ball was over. The rest of our ladies +went off in the lumbering creaking old coach; Daisy was brought out, +and Miss Nora took her place behind me, which I let her do without a +word. But we were not half-a-mile out of town when she began to try +with her coaxing and blandishments to dissipate my ill-humour. + +'Sure it's a bitter night, Redmond dear, and you'll catch cold +without a handkerchief to your neck.' To this sympathetic remark +from the pillion, the saddle made no reply. + +'Did you and Miss Clancy have a pleasant evening, Redmond? You were +together, I saw, all night.' To this the saddle only replied by +grinding his teeth, and giving a lash to Daisy. + +'O mercy! you'll make Daisy rear and throw me, you careless creature +you: and you know, Redmond, I'm so timid.' The pillion had by this +got her arm round the saddle's waist, and perhaps gave it the +gentlest squeeze in the world. + +'I hate Miss Clancy, you know I do!' answers the saddle; 'and I only +danced with her because--because--the person with whom I intended to +dance chose to be engaged the whole night.' + +'Sure there were my sisters,' said the pillion, now laughing +outright in the pride of her conscious superiority; 'and for me, my +dear, I had not been in the room five minutes before I was engaged +for every single set.' + +'Were you obliged to dance five times with Captain Quin?' said I; +and oh! strange delicious charm of coquetry, I do believe Miss Nora +Brady at twenty-three years of age felt a pang of delight in +thinking that she had so much power over a guileless lad of fifteen. +Of course she replied that she did not care a fig for Captain Quin: +that he danced prettily, to be sure, and was a pleasant rattle of a +man; that he looked well in his regimentals too; and if he chose to +ask her to dance, how could she refuse him? + +'But you refused me, Nora.' + +'Oh! I can dance with you any day,' answered Miss Nora, with a toss +of her head; 'and to dance with your cousin at a ball, looks as if +you could find no other partner. Besides,' said Nora--and this was a +cruel, unkind cut, which showed what a power she had over me, and +how mercilessly she used it,--'besides, Redmond, Captain Quin's a +man and you are only a boy!' + +'If ever I meet him again,' I roared out with an oath, 'you shall +see which is the best man of the two. I'll fight him with sword or +with pistol, captain as he is. A man indeed! I'll fight any man-- +every man! Didn't I stand up to Mick Brady when I was eleven years +old?--Didn't I beat Tom Sullivan, the great hulking brute, who is +nineteen?--Didn't I do for the Scotch usher? O Nora, it's cruel of +you to sneer at me so!' + +But Nora was in the sneering mood that night, and pursued her +sarcasms; she pointed out that Captain Quin was already known as a +valiant soldier, famous as a man of fashion in London, and that it +was mighty well of Redmond to talk and boast of beating ushers and +farmers' boys, but to fight an Englishman was a very different +matter. + +Then she fell to talk of the invasion, and of military matters in +general; of King Frederick (who was called, in those days, the +Protestant hero), of Monsieur Thurot and his fleet, of Monsieur +Conflans and his squadron, of Minorca, how it was attacked, and +where it was; we both agreed it must be in America, and hoped the +French might be soundly beaten there. + +I sighed after a while (for I was beginning to melt), and said how +much I longed to be a soldier; on which Nora recurred to her +infallible 'Ah! now, would you leave me, then? But, sure, you're not +big enough for anything more than a little drummer.' To which I +replied, by swearing that a soldier I would be, and a general too. + +As we were chattering in this silly way, we came to a place that has +ever since gone by the name of Redmond's Leap Bridge. It was an old +high bridge, over a stream sufficiently deep and rocky, and as the +mare Daisy with her double load was crossing this bridge, Miss Nora, +giving a loose to her imagination, and still harping on the military +theme (I would lay a wager that she was thinking of Captain Quin)-- +Miss Nora said, 'Suppose now, Redmond, you, who are such a hero, was +passing over the bridge, and the inimy on the other side?' + +'I'd draw my sword, and cut my way through them.' + +'What, with me on the pillion? Would you kill poor me?' (This young +lady was perpetually speaking of 'poor me!') + +'Well, then, I'll tell you what I'd do. I'd jump Daisy into the +river, and swim you both across, where no enemy could follow us.' + +'Jump twenty feet! you wouldn't dare to do any such thing on Daisy. +There's the Captain's horse, Black George, I've heard say that +Captain Qui--' + +She never finished the word, for, maddened by the continual +recurrence of that odious monosyllable, I shouted to her to 'hold +tight by my waist,' and, giving Daisy the spur, in a minute sprang +with Nora over the parapet into the deep water below. I don't know +why, now--whether it was I wanted to drown myself and Nora, or to +perform an act that even Captain Quin should crane at, or whether I +fancied that the enemy actually was in front of us, I can't tell +now; but over I went. The horse sank over his head, the girl +screamed as she sank and screamed as she rose, and I landed her, +half fainting, on the shore, where we were soon found by my uncle's +people, who returned on hearing the screams. I went home, and was +ill speedily of a fever, which kept me to my bed for six weeks; and +I quitted my couch prodigiously increased in stature, and, at the +same time, still more violently in love than I had been even before. +At the commencement of my illness, Miss Nora had been pretty +constant in her attendance at my bedside, forgetting, for the sake +of me, the quarrel between my mother and her family; which my good +mother was likewise pleased, in the most Christian manner, to +forget. And, let me tell you, it was no small mark of goodness in a +woman of her haughty disposition, who, as a rule, never forgave +anybody, for my sake to give up her hostility to Miss Brady, and to +receive her kindly. For, like a mad boy as I was, it was Nora I was +always raving about and asking for; I would only accept medicines +from her hand, and would look rudely and sulkily upon the good +mother, who loved me better than anything else in the world, and +gave up even her favourite habits, and proper and becoming +jealousies, to make me happy. + +As I got well, I saw that Nora's visits became daily more rare: 'Why +don't she come?' I would say, peevishly, a dozen times in the day; +in reply to which query, Mrs. Barry would be obliged to make the +best excuses she could find,--such as that Nora had sprained her +ankle, or that they had quarrelled together, or some other answer to +soothe me. And many a time has the good soul left me to go and break +her heart in her own room alone, and come back with a smiling face, +so that I should know nothing of her mortification. Nor, indeed, did +I take much pains to ascertain it: nor should I, I fear, have been +very much touched even had I discovered it; for the commencement of +manhood, I think, is the period of our extremest selfishness. We get +such a desire then to take wing and leave the parent nest, that no +tears, entreaties, or feelings of affection will counter-balance +this overpowering longing after independence. She must have been +very sad, that poor mother of mine--Heaven be good to her!--at that +period of my life; and has often told me since what a pang of the +heart it was to her to see all her care and affection of years +forgotten by me in a minute, and for the sake of a little heartless +jilt, who was only playing with me while she could get no better +suitor. For the fact is, that during the last four weeks of my +illness, no other than Captain Quin was staying at Castle Brady, and +making love to Miss Nora in form. My mother did not dare to break +this news to me, and you may be sure that Nora herself kept it a +secret: it was only by chance that I discovered it. + +Shall I tell you how? The minx had been to see me one day, as I sat +up in my bed, convalescent; she was in such high spirits, and so +gracious and kind to me, that my heart poured over with joy and +gladness, and I had even for my poor mother a kind word and a kiss +that morning. I felt myself so well that I ate up a whole chicken, +and promised my uncle, who had come to see me, to be ready against +partridge-shooting, to accompany him, as my custom was. + +The next day but one was a Sunday, and I had a project for that day +which I determined to realise, in spite of all the doctor's and my +mother's injunctions: which were that I was on no account to leave +the house, for the fresh air would be the death of me. + +Well, I lay wondrous quiet, composing a copy of verses, the first I +ever made in my life; and I give them here, spelt as I spelt them in +those days when I knew no better. And though they are not so +polished and elegant as 'Ardelia ease a Love-sick Swain,' and 'When +Sol bedecks the Daisied Mead,' and other lyrical effusions of mine +which obtained me so much reputation in after life, I still think +them pretty good for a humble lad of fifteen:-- + +THE ROSE OF FLORA. + +Sent by a Young Gentleman of Quality to Miss Br-dy, of Castle Brady. + + On Brady's tower there grows a flower, + It is the loveliest flower that blows,-- + At Castle Brady there lives a lady + (And how I love her no one knows): + Her name is Nora, and the goddess Flora + Presents her with this blooming rose. + +'O Lady Nora,' says the goddess Flora, + 'I've many a rich and bright parterre; + In Brady's towers there's seven more flowers, + But you're the fairest lady there: + Not all the county, nor Ireland's bounty, + Can projuice a treasure that's half so fair! + + What cheek is redder? sure roses fed her! + Her hair is maregolds, and her eye of blew + Beneath her eyelid is like the vi'let, + That darkly glistens with gentle jew? + The lily's nature is not surely whiter + Than Nora's neck is,--and her arrums too. + +'Come, gentle Nora,' says the goddess Flora, + 'My dearest creature, take my advice, + There is a poet, full well you know it, + Who spends his lifetime in heavy sighs,-- + Young Redmond Barry, 'tis him you'll marry, + If rhyme and raisin you'd choose likewise.' + +On Sunday, no sooner was my mother gone to church, than I summoned +Phil the valet, and insisted upon his producing my best suit, in +which I arrayed myself (although I found that I had shot up so in my +illness that the old dress was wofully too small for me), and, with +my notable copy of verses in my hand, ran down towards Castle Brady, +bent upon beholding my beauty. The air was so fresh and bright, and +the birds sang so loud amidst the green trees, that I felt more +elated than I had been for months before, and sprang down the avenue +(my uncle had cut down every stick of the trees, by the way) as +brisk as a young fawn. My heart began to thump as I mounted the +grass-grown steps of the terrace, and passed in by the rickety hall- +door. The master and mistress were at church, Mr. Screw the butler +told me (after giving a start back at seeing my altered appearance, +and gaunt lean figure), and so were six of the young ladies. + +'Was Miss Nora one?' I asked. + +'No, Miss Nora was not one,' said Mr. Screw, assuming a very +puzzled, and yet knowing look. + +'Where was she?' To this question he answered, or rather made +believe to answer, with usual Irish ingenuity, and left me to settle +whether she was gone to Kilwangan on the pillion behind her brother, +or whether she and her sister had gone for a walk, or whether she +was ill in her room; and while I was settling this query, Mr. Screw +left me abruptly. + +I rushed away to the back court, where the Castle Brady stables +stand, and there I found a dragoon whistling the 'Roast Beef of Old +England,' as he cleaned down a cavalry horse. 'Whose horse, fellow, +is that?' cried I. + +'Feller, indeed!' replied the Englishman: 'the horse belongs to my +captain, and he's a better FELLER nor you any day.' + +I did not stop to break his bones, as I would on another occasion, +for a horrible suspicion had come across me, and I made for the +garden as quickly as I could. + +I knew somehow what I should see there. I saw Captain Quin and Nora +pacing the alley together. Her arm was under his, and the scoundrel +was fondling and squeezing the hand which lay closely nestling +against his odious waistcoat. Some distance beyond them was Captain +Fagan of the Kilwangan regiment, who was paying court to Nora's +sister Mysie. + +I am not afraid of any man or ghost; but as I saw that sight my +knees fell a-trembling violently under me, and such a sickness came +over me, that I was fain to sink down on the grass by a tree against +which I leaned, and lost almost all consciousness for a minute or +two: then I gathered myself up, and, advancing towards the couple on +the walk, loosened the blade of the little silver-hilted hanger I +always wore in its scabbard; for I was resolved to pass it through +the bodies of the delinquents, and spit them like two pigeons. I +don't tell what feelings else besides those of rage were passing +through my mind; what bitter blank disappointment, what mad wild +despair, what a sensation as if the whole world was tumbling from +under me; I make no doubt that my reader hath been jilted by the +ladies many times, and so bid him recall his own sensations when the +shock first fell upon him. + +'No, Norelia,' said the Captain (for it was the fashion of those +times for lovers to call themselves by the most romantic names out +of novels), 'except for you and four others, I vow before all the +gods, my heart has never felt the soft flame!' + +'Ah! you men, you men, Eugenio!' said she (the beast's name was +John), 'your passion is not equal to ours. We are like--like some +plant I've read of--we bear but one flower and then we die!' + +'Do you mean you never felt an inclination for another?' said +Captain Quin. + +'Never, my Eugenio, but for thee! How can you ask a blushing nymph +such a question?' + +'Darling Norelia!' said he, raising her hand to his lips. + +I had a knot of cherry-coloured ribands, which she had given me out +of her breast, and which somehow I always wore upon me. I pulled +these out of my bosom, and flung them in Captain Quin's face, and +rushed out with my little sword drawn, shrieking, 'She's a liar-- +she's a liar, Captain Quin! Draw, sir, and defend yourself, if you +are a man!' and with these words I leapt at the monster, and +collared him, while Nora made the air echo with her screams; at the +sound of which the other captain and Mysie hastened up. + +Although I sprang up like a weed in my illness, and was now nearly +attained to my full growth of six feet, yet I was but a lath by the +side of the enormous English captain, who had calves and shoulders +such as no chairman at Bath ever boasted. He turned very red, and +then exceedingly pale at my attack upon him, and slipped back and +clutched at his sword--when Nora, in an agony of terror, flung +herself round him, screaming, 'Eugenio! Captain Quin, for Heaven's +sake spare the child--he is but an infant.' + +'And ought to be whipped for his impudence,' said the Captain; 'but +never fear, Miss Brady, I shall not touch him; your FAVOURITE is +safe from me.' So saying, he stooped down and picked up the bunch of +ribands which had fallen at Nora's feet, and handing it to her, said +in a sarcastic tone, 'When ladies make presents to gentlemen, it is +time for OTHER gentlemen to retire.' + +'Good heavens, Quin!' cried the girl; 'he is but a boy.' + +'I am a man,' roared I, 'and will prove it.' + +'And don't signify any more than my parrot or lap-dog. Mayn't I give +a bit of riband to my own cousin?' + +'You are perfectly welcome, miss,' continued the Captain, 'as many +yards as you like.' + +'Monster!' exclaimed the dear girl; 'your father was a tailor, and +you are always thinking of the shop. But I'll have my revenge, I +will! Reddy, will you see me insulted?' + +'Indeed, Miss Nora,' says I, 'I intend to have his blood as sure as +my name's Redmond.' + +'I'll send for the usher to cane you, little boy,' said the Captain, +regaining his self-possession; 'but as for you, miss, I have the +honour to wish you a good-day.' + +He took off his hat with much ceremony, made a low CONGE, and was +just walking off, when Mick, my cousin, came up, whose ear had +likewise been caught by the scream. + +'Hoity-toity! Jack Quin, what's the matter here?' says Mick; 'Nora +in tears, Redmond's ghost here with his sword drawn, and you making +a bow?' + +'I'll tell you what it is, Mr. Brady,' said the Englishman: 'I have +had enough of Miss Nora, here, and your Irish ways. I ain't used to +'em, sir.' + +'Well, well! what is it?' said Mick good-humouredly (for he owed +Quin a great deal of money as it turned out); 'we'll make you used +to our ways, or adopt English ones.' + +'It's not the English way for ladies to have two lovers' (the +'Henglish way,' as the captain called it), 'and so, Mr. Brady, I'll +thank you to pay me the sum you owe me, and I'll resign all claims +to this young lady. If she has a fancy for schoolboys, let her take +'em, sir.' + +'Pooh, pooh! Quin, you are joking,' said Mick. + +'I never was more in earnest,' replied the other. + +'By Heaven, then, look to yourself!' shouted Mick. 'Infamous +seducer! infernal deceiver!--you come and wind your toils round this +suffering angel here--you win her heart and leave her--and fancy her +brother won't defend her? Draw this minute, you slave! and let me +cut the wicked heart out of your body!' + +'This is regular assassination,' said Quin, starting back; 'there's +two on 'em on me at once. Fagan, you won't let 'em murder me?' + +'Faith!' said Captain Fagan, who seemed mightily amused, 'you may +settle your own quarrel, Captain Quin;' and coming over to me, +whispered, 'At him again, you little fellow.' + +'As long as Mr. Quin withdraws his claim,' said I, 'I, of course, do +not interfere.' + +'I do, sir--I do,' said Mr. Quin, more and more flustered. + +'Then defend yourself like a man, curse you!' cried Mick again. +'Mysie, lead this poor victim away--Redmond and Fagan will see fair +play between us.' + +'Well now--I don't--give me time--I'm puzzled--I--I don't know which +way to look.' + +'Like the donkey betwixt the two bundles of hay,' said Mr. Fagan +drily, 'and there's pretty pickings on either side.' + +CHAPTER II + +I SHOW MYSELF TO BE A MAN OF SPIRIT + +During this dispute, my cousin Nora did the only thing that a lady, +under such circumstances, could do, and fainted in due form. I was +in hot altercation with Mick at the time, or I should have, of +course, flown to her assistance, but Captain Fagan (a dry sort of +fellow this Fagan was) prevented me, saying, 'I advise you to leave +the young lady to herself, Master Redmond, and be sure she will come +to.' And so indeed, after a while, she did, which has shown me since +that Fagan knew the world pretty well, for many's the lady I've seen +in after times recover in a similar manner. Quin did not offer to +help her, you may be sure, for, in the midst of the diversion, +caused by her screaming, the faithless bully stole away. + +'Which of us is Captain Quin to engage?' said I to Mick; for it was +my first affair, and I was as proud of it as of a suit of laced +velvet. 'Is it you or I, Cousin Mick, that is to have the honour of +chastising this insolent Englishman?' And I held out my hand as I +spoke, for my heart melted towards my cousin under the triumph of +the moment. + +But he rejected the proffered offer of friendship. 'You--you!' said +he, in a towering passion; 'hang you for a meddling brat: your hand +is in everybody's pie. What business had you to come brawling and +quarrelling here, with a gentleman who has fifteen hundred a year?' + +'Oh,' gasped Nora, from the stone bench, 'I shall die: I know I +shall. I shall never leave this spot.' + +'The Captain's not gone yet,' whispered Fagan; on which Nora, giving +him an indignant look, jumped up and walked towards the house. + +'Meanwhile,' Mick continued, 'what business have you, you meddling +rascal, to interfere with a daughter of this house?' + +'Rascal yourself!' roared I: 'call me another such name, Mick Brady, +and I'll drive my hanger into your weasand. Recollect, I stood to +you when I was eleven years old. I'm your match now, and, by Jove, +provoke me, and I'll beat you like--like your younger brother always +did.' That was a home-cut, and I saw Mick turn blue with fury. + +'This is a pretty way to recommend yourself to the family,' said +Fagan, in a soothing tone. + +'The girl's old enough to be his mother,' growled Mick. + +'Old or not,' I replied: 'you listen to this, Mick Brady' (and I +swore a tremendous oath, that need not be put down here): 'the man +that marries Nora Brady must first kill me--do you mind that?' + +'Pooh, sir,' said Mick, turning away, 'kill you--flog you, you mean! +I'll send for Nick the huntsman to do it;' and so he went off. + +Captain Fagan now came up, and taking me kindly by the hand, said I +was a gallant lad, and he liked my spirit. 'But what Brady says is +true,' continued he; 'it's a hard thing to give a lad counsel who is +in such a far-gone state as you; but, believe me, I know the world, +and if you will but follow my advice, you won't regret having taken +it. Nora Brady has not a penny; you are not a whit richer. You are +but fifteen, and she's four-and-twenty. In ten years, when you're +old enough to marry, she will be an old woman; and, my poor boy, +don't you see--though it's a hard matter to see--that she's a flirt, +and does not care a pin for you or Quin either?' + +But who in love (or in any other point, for the matter of that) +listens to advice? I never did, and I told Captain Fagan fairly, +that Nora might love me or not as she liked, but that Quin should +fight me before he married her--that I swore. + +'Faith,' says Fagan, 'I think you are a lad that's likely to keep +your word;' and, looking hard at me for a second or two, he walked +away likewise, humming a tune: and I saw he looked back at me as he +went through the old gate out of the garden. When he was gone, and I +was quite alone, I flung myself down on the bench where Nora had +made believe to faint, and had left her handkerchief; and, taking it +up, hid my face in it, and burst into such a passion of tears as I +would then have had nobody see for the world. The crumpled riband +which I had flung at Quin lay in the walk, and I sat there for +hours, as wretched as any man in Ireland, I believe, for the time +being. But it's a changeable world! When we consider how great our +sorrows SEEM, and how small they ARE; how we think we shall die of +grief, and how quickly we forget, I think we ought to be ashamed of +ourselves and our fickle-heartedness. For, after all, what business +has time to bring us consolation? I have not, perhaps, in the course +of my multifarious adventures and experience, hit upon the right +woman; and have forgotten, after a little, every single creature I +adored; but I think, if I could but have lighted on the right one, I +would have loved her for EVER. + +I must have sat for some hours bemoaning myself on the garden bench, +for it was morning when I came to Castle Brady, and the dinner-bell +clanged as usual at three o'clock, which wakened me up from my +reverie. Presently I gathered up the handkerchief, and once more +took the riband. As I passed through the offices, I saw the +Captain's saddle was still hanging up at the stable-door, and saw +his odious red-coated brute of a servant swaggering with the +scullion-girls and kitchen-people. 'The Englishman's still there, +Master Redmond,' said one of the maids to me (a sentimental black- +eyed girl, who waited on the young ladies). 'He's there in the +parlour, with the sweetest fillet of vale; go in, and don't let him +browbeat you, Master Redmond.' + +And in I went, and took my place at the bottom of the big table, as +usual, and my friend the butler speedily brought me a cover. + +'Hallo, Reddy my boy!' said my uncle, 'up and well?--that's right.' + +'He'd better be home with his mother,' growled my aunt. + +'Don't mind her,' says Uncle Brady; 'it's the cold goose she ate at +breakfast didn't agree with her. Take a glass of spirits, Mrs. +Brady, to Redmond's health.' It was evident he did not know of what +had happened; but Mick, who was at dinner too, and Ulick, and almost +all the girls, looked exceedingly black, and the Captain foolish; +and Miss Nora, who was again by his side, ready to cry. Captain +Fagan sat smiling; and I looked on as cold as a stone. I thought the +dinner would choke me: but I was determined to put a good face on +it, and when the cloth was drawn, filled my glass with the rest; and +we drank the King and the Church, as gentlemen should. My uncle was +in high good-humour, and especially always joking with Nora and the +Captain. It was, 'Nora, divide that merry-thought with the Captain! +see who'll be married first.' 'Jack Quin, my dear boy, never mind a +clean glass for the claret, we're short of crystal at Castle Brady; +take Nora's and the wine will taste none the worse;' and so on. He +was in the highest glee,--I did not know why. Had there been a +reconciliation between the faithless girl and her lover since they +had come into the house? + +I learned the truth very soon. At the third toast, it was always the +custom for the ladies to withdraw; but my uncle stopped them this +time, in spite of the remonstrances of Nora, who said, 'Oh, pa! do +let us go!' and said, 'No, Mrs. Brady and ladies, if you plaise; +this is a sort of toast that is drunk a great dale too seldom in my +family, and you'll plaise to receive it with all the honours. Here's +CAPTAIN AND MRS. JOHN QUIN, and long life to them. Kiss her, Jack, +you rogue: for 'faith you've got a treasure!' + +'He has already '----I screeched out, springing up. + +'Hold your tongue, you fool--hold your tongue!' said big Ulick, who +sat by me; but I wouldn't hear. + +'He has already,' I screamed, 'been slapped in the face this +morning, Captain John Quin; he's already been called coward, Captain +John Quin; and this is the way I'll drink his health. Here's your +health, Captain John Quin!' And I flung a glass of claret into his +face. I don't know how he looked after it, for the next moment I +myself was under the table, tripped up by Ulick, who hit me a +violent cuff on the head as I went down; and I had hardly leisure to +hear the general screaming and skurrying that was taking place above +me, being so fully occupied with kicks, and thumps, and curses, with +which Ulick was belabouring me. 'You fool!' roared he--' you great +blundering marplot--you silly beggarly brat' (a thump at each), +'hold your tongue!' These blows from Ulick, of course, I did not +care for, for he had always been my friend, and had been in the +habit of thrashing me all my life. + +When I got up from under the table all the ladies were gone; and I +had the satisfaction of seeing the Captain's nose was bleeding, as +mine was--HIS was cut across the bridge, and his beauty spoiled for +ever. Ulick shook himself, sat down quietly, filled a bumper, and +pushed the bottle to me. 'There, you young donkey,' said he, 'sup +that; and let's hear no more of your braying.' + +'In Heaven's name, what does all the row mean?' says my uncle. 'Is +the boy in the fever again?' + +'It's all your fault,' said Mick sulkily: 'yours and those who +brought him here.' + +'Hold your noise, Mick!' says Ulick, turning on him; 'speak civil of +my father and me, and don't let me be called upon to teach you +manners.' + +'It IS your fault,' repeated Mick. 'What business has the vagabond +here? If I had my will, I'd have him flogged and turned out.' + +'And so he should be,' said Captain Quin. + +'You'd best not try it, Quin,' said Ulick, who was always my +champion; and turning to his father, 'The fact is, sir, that the +young monkey has fallen in love with Nora, and finding her and the +Captain mighty sweet in the garden to-day, he was for murdering Jack +Quin.' + +'Gad, he's beginning young,' said my uncle, quite good-humouredly. +''Faith, Fagan, that boy's a Brady, every inch of him.' + +'And I'll tell you what, Mr. B.,' cried Quin, bristling up: 'I've +been insulted grossly in this 'OUSE. I ain't at all satisfied with +these here ways of going on. I'm an Englishman I am, and a man of +property; and I--I'--'If you're insulted, and not satisfied, +remember there's two of us, Quin,' said Ulick gruffly. On which the +Captain fell to washing his nose in water, and answered never a +word. + +'Mr. Quin,' said I, in the most dignified tone I could assume, 'may +also have satisfaction any time he pleases, by calling on Redmond +Barry, Esquire, of Barryville.' At which speech my uncle burst out +a-laughing (as he did at everything); and in this laugh, Captain +Fagan, much to my mortification, joined. I turned rather smartly +upon him, however, and bade him to understand that as for my cousin +Ulick, who had been my best friend through life, I could put up with +rough treatment from him; yet, though I was a boy, even that sort of +treatment I would bear from him no longer; and any other person who +ventured on the like would find me a man, to their cost. 'Mr. Quin,' +I added, 'knows that fact very well; and if HE'S a man, he'll know +where to find me.' + +My uncle now observed that it was getting late, and that my mother +would be anxious about me. 'One of you had better go home with him,' +said he, turning to his sons, 'or the lad may be playing more +pranks.' But Ulick said, with a nod to his brother, 'Both of us ride +home with Quin here.' + +'I'm not afraid of Freny's people,' said the Captain, with a faint +attempt at a laugh; 'my man is armed, and so am I.' + +'You know the use of arms very well, Quin,' said Ulick; 'and no one +can doubt your courage; but Mick and I will see you home for all +that.' + +'Why, you'll not be home till morning, boys. Kilwangan's a good ten +mile from here.' + +'We'll sleep at Quin's quarters,' replied Ulick: 'WE'RE GOING TO +STOP A WEEK THERE.' + +'Thank you,' says Quin, very faint; 'it's very kind of you.' + +'You'll be lonely, you know, without us.' + +'Oh yes, very lonely!' says Quin. + +'And in ANOTHER WEEK, my boy,' says Ulick (and here he whispered +something in the Captain's ear, in which I thought I caught the +words 'marriage,' 'parson,' and felt all my fury returning again). + +'As you please,' whined out the Captain; and the horses were +quickly brought round, and the three gentlemen rode away. + +Fagan stopped, and, at my uncle's injunction, walked across the old +treeless park with me. He said that after the quarrel at dinner, he +thought I would scarcely want to see the ladies that night, in which +opinion I concurred entirely; and so we went off without an adieu. + +'A pretty day's work of it you have made, Master Redmond,' said he. +'What! you a friend to the Bradys, and knowing your uncle to be +distressed for money, try and break off a match which will bring +fifteen hundred a year into the family? Quin has promised to pay off +the four thousand pounds which is bothering your uncle so. He takes +a girl without a penny--a girl with no more beauty than yonder +bullock. Well, well, don't look furious; let's say she IS handsome-- +there's no accounting for tastes,--a girl that has been flinging +herself at the head of every man in these parts these ten years +past, and MISSING them all. And you, as poor as herself, a boy of +fifteen--well, sixteen, if you insist--and a boy who ought to be +attached to your uncle as to your father'-- + +'And so I am,' said I. + +'And this is the return you make him for his kindness! Didn't he +harbour you in his house when you were an orphan, and hasn't he +given you rent-free your fine mansion of Barryville yonder? And now, +when his affairs can be put into order, and a chance offers for his +old age to be made comfortable, who flings himself in the way of him +and competence?--You, of all others; the man in the world most +obliged to him. It's wicked, ungrateful, unnatural. From a lad of +such spirit as you are, I expect a truer courage.' + +'I am not afraid of any man alive,' exclaimed I (for this latter +part of the Captain's argument had rather staggered me, and I +wished, of course, to turn it--as one always should when the enemy's +too strong); 'and it's _I_ am the injured man, Captain Fagan. No man +was ever, since the world began, treated so. Look here--look at this +riband. I've worn it in my heart for six months. I've had it there +all the time of the fever. Didn't Nora take it out of her own bosom +and give it me? Didn't she kiss me when she gave it me, and call me +her darling Redmond?' + +'She was PRACTISING,' replied Mr. Fagan, with a sneer. 'I know +women, sir. Give them time, and let nobody else come to the house, +and they'll fall in love with a chimney-sweep. There was a young +lady in Fermoy'-- + +'A young lady in flames,' roared I (but I used a still hotter word). +'Mark this; come what will of it, I swear I'll fight the man who +pretends to the hand of Nora Brady. I'll follow him, if it's into +the church, and meet him there. I'll have his blood, or he shall +have mine; and this riband shall be found dyed in it. Yes, and if I +kill him, I'll pin it on his breast, and then she may go and take +back her token.' This I said because I was very much excited at the +time, and because I had not read novels and romantic plays for +nothing. + +'Well,' says Fagan after a pause, 'if it must be, it must. For a +young fellow, you are the most blood-thirsty I ever saw. Quin's a +determined fellow, too.' + +'Will you take my message to him?' said I, quite eagerly. + +'Hush!' said Fagan: 'your mother may be on the look-out. Here we +are, close to Barryville.' + +'Mind! not a word to my mother,' I said; and went into the house +swelling with pride and exultation to think that I should have a +chance against the Englishman I hated so. + +Tim, my servant, had come up from Barryville on my mother's return +from church; for the good lady was rather alarmed at my absence, and +anxious for my return. But he had seen me go in to dinner, at the +invitation of the sentimental lady's-maid; and when he had had his +own share of the good things in the kitchen, which was always better +furnished than ours at home, had walked back again to inform his +mistress where I was, and, no doubt, to tell her, in his own +fashion, of all the events that had happened at Castle Brady. In +spite of my precautions to secrecy, then, I half suspected that my +mother knew all, from the manner in which she embraced me on my +arrival, and received our guest, Captain Fagan. The poor soul looked +a little anxious and flushed, and every now and then gazed very hard +in the Captain's face; but she said not a word about the quarrel, +for she had a noble spirit, and would as lief have seen anyone of +her kindred hanged as shirking from the field of honour. What has +become of those gallant feelings nowadays? Sixty years ago a man was +a MAN, in old Ireland, and the sword that was worn by his side was +at the service of any gentleman's gizzard, upon the slightest +difference. But the good old times and usages are fast fading away. +One scarcely every hears of a fair meeting now, and the use of those +cowardly pistols, in place of the honourable and manly weapon of +gentlemen, has introduced a deal of knavery into the practice of +duelling, that cannot be sufficiently deplored. + +When I arrived at home I felt that I was a man in earnest, and +welcoming Captain Fagan to Barryville, and introducing him to my +mother, in a majestic and dignified way, said the Captain must be +thirsty after his walk, and called upon Tim to bring up a bottle of +the yellow-sealed Bordeaux, and cakes and glasses, immediately. + +Tim looked at the mistress in great wonderment: and the fact is, +that six hours previous I would as soon have thought of burning the +house down as calling for a bottle of claret on my own account; but +I felt I was a man now, and had a right to command; and my mother +felt this too, for she turned to the fellow and said, sharply, +'Don't you hear, you rascal, what YOUR MASTER says! Go, get the +wine, and the cakes and glasses, directly.' Then (for you may be +sure she did not give Tim the keys of our little cellar) she went +and got the liquor herself; and Tim brought it in, on the silver +tray, in due form. My dear mother poured out the wine, and drank the +Captain welcome; but I observed her hand shook very much as she +performed this courteous duty, and the bottle went clink, clink, +against the glass. When she had tasted her glass, she said she had a +headache, and would go to bed; and so I asked her blessing, as +becomes a dutiful son--(the modern BLOODS have given up the +respectful ceremonies which distinguished a gentleman in my time)-- +and she left me and Captain Fagan to talk over our important +business. + +'Indeed,' said the Captain,' I see now no other way out of the +scrape than a meeting. The fact is, there was a talk of it at Castle +Brady, after your attack upon Quin this afternoon, and he vowed that +he would cut you in pieces: but the tears and supplications of Miss +Honoria induced him, though very unwillingly, to relent. Now, +however, matters have gone too far. No officer, bearing His +Majesty's commission, can receive a glass of wine on his nose--this +claret of yours is very good, by the way, and by your leave we'll +ring for another bottle--without resenting the affront. Fight you +must; and Quin is a huge strong fellow.' + +'He'll give the better mark,' said I. 'I am not afraid of him.' + +'In faith,' said the Captain,' I believe you are not; for a lad, I +never saw more game in my life.' + +'Look at that sword, sir,' says I, pointing to an elegant silver- +mounted one, in a white shagreen case, that hung on the mantelpiece, +under the picture of my father, Harry Barry. 'It was with that +sword, sir, that my father pinked Mohawk O'Driscol, in Dublin, in +the year 1740; with that sword, sir, he met Sir Huddlestone +Fuddlestone, the Hampshire baronet, and ran him through the neck. +They met on horseback, with sword and pistol, on Hounslow Heath, as +I dare say you have heard tell of, and those are the pistols' (they +hung on each side of the picture) 'which the gallant Barry used. He +was quite in the wrong, having insulted Lady Fuddlestone, when in +liquor, at the Brentford assembly. But, like a gentleman, he scorned +to apologise, and Sir Huddlestone received a ball through his hat, +before they engaged with the sword. I am Harry Barry's son, sir, and +will act as becomes my name and my quality.' + +'Give me a kiss, my dear boy,' said Fagan, with tears in his eyes. +'You're after my own soul. As long as Jack Fagan lives you shall +never want a friend or a second.' + +Poor fellow! he was shot six months afterwards, carrying orders to +my Lord George Sackville, at Minden, and I lost thereby a kind +friend. But we don't know what is in store for us, and that night +was a merry one at least. We had a second bottle, and a third too (I +could hear the poor mother going downstairs for each, but she never +came into the parlour with them, and sent them in by the butler, Mr. +Tim): and we parted at length, he engaging to arrange matters with +Mr. Quin's second that night, and to bring me news in the morning as +to the place where the meeting should take place. I have often +thought since, how different my fate might have been, had I not +fallen in love with Nora at that early age; and had I not flung the +wine in Quin's face, and so brought on the duel. I might have +settled down in Ireland but for that (for Miss Quinlan was an +heiress, within twenty miles of us, and Peter Burke, of Kilwangan, +left his daughter Judy L700 a year, and I might have had either of +them, had I waited a few years). But it was in my fate to be a +wanderer, and that battle with Quin sent me on my travels at a very +early age: as you shall hear anon. + +I never slept sounder in my life, though I woke a little earlier +than usual; and you may be sure my first thought was of the event of +the day, for which I was fully prepared. I had ink and pen in my +room--had I not been writing those verses to Nora but the day +previous, like a poor fond fool as I was? And now I sat down and +wrote a couple of letters more: they might be the last, thought I, +that I ever should write in my life. The first was to my mother:-- + +'Honoured Madam'--I wrote--'This will not be given you unless I fall +by the hand of Captain Quin, whom I meet this day in the field of +honour, with sword and pistol. If I die, it is as a good Christian +and a gentleman,--how should I be otherwise when educated by such a +mother as you? I forgive all my enemies--I beg your blessing as a +dutiful son. I desire that my mare Nora, which my uncle gave me, and +which I called after the most faithless of her sex, may be returned +to Castle Brady, and beg you will give my silver-hiked hanger to +Phil Purcell, the gamekeeper. Present my duty to my uncle and Ulick, +and all the girls of MY party there. And I remain your dutiful son, + +'REDMOND BARRY.' + +To Nora I wrote:-- + +'This letter will be found in my bosom along with the token you gave +me. It will be dyed in my blood (unless I have Captain Quin's, whom +I hate, but forgive), and will be a pretty ornament for you on your +marriage-day. Wear it, and think of the poor boy to whom you gave +it, and who died (as he was always ready to do) for your sake. + +'REDMOND.' + +These letters being written, and sealed with my father's great +silver seal of the Barry arms, I went down to breakfast; where my +mother was waiting for me, you may be sure. We did not say a single +word about what was taking place: on the contrary, we talked of +anything but that; about who was at church the day before, and about +my wanting new clothes now I was grown so tall. She said I must have +a suit against winter, if--if--she could afford it. She winced +rather at the 'if,' Heaven bless her! I knew what was in her mind. +And then she fell to telling me about the black pig that must be +killed, and that she had found the speckled hen's nest that morning, +whose eggs I liked so, and other such trifling talk. Some of these +eggs were for breakfast, and I ate them with a good appetite; but in +helping myself to salt I spilled it, on which she started up with a +scream. 'THANK GOD,' said she, 'IT'S FALLEN TOWARDS ME.' And then, +her heart being too full, she left the room. Ah! they have their +faults, those mothers; but are there any other women like them? + +When she was gone I went to take down the sword with which my father +had vanquished the Hampshire baronet, and, would you believe it?-- +the brave woman had tied A NEW RIBAND to the hilt: for indeed she +had the courage of a lioness and a Brady united. And then I took +down the pistols, which were always kept bright and well oiled, and +put some fresh flints I had into the locks, and got balls and powder +ready against the Captain should come. There was claret and a cold +fowl put ready for him on the sideboard, and a case-bottle of old +brandy too, with a couple of little glasses on the silver tray with +the Barry arms emblazoned. In after life, and in the midst of my +fortune and splendour, I paid thirty-five guineas, and almost as +much more interest, to the London goldsmith who supplied my father +with that very tray. A scoundrel pawnbroker would only give me +sixteen for it afterwards; so little can we trust the honour of +rascally tradesmen! + +At eleven o'clock Captain Fagan arrived, on horseback, with a +mounted dragoon after him. He paid his compliments to the collation +which my mother's care had provided for him, and then said, 'Look +ye, Redmond my boy; this is a silly business. The girl will marry +Quin, mark my words; and as sure as she does you'll forget her. You +are but a boy. Quin is willing to consider you as such. Dublin's a +fine place, and if you have a mind to take a ride thither and see +the town for a month, here are twenty guineas at your service. Make +Quin an apology, and be off.' + +'A man of honour, Mr. Fagan,' says I, 'dies, but never apologises. +I'll see the Captain hanged before I apologise.' + +'Then there's nothing for it but a meeting.' + +'My mare is saddled and ready,' says I; 'where's the meeting, and +who's the Captain's second?' + +'Your cousins go out with him,' answered Mr. Fagan. + +'I'll ring for my groom to bring my mare round,' I said, 'as soon as +you have rested yourself.' Tim was accordingly despatched for Nora, +and I rode away, but I didn't take leave of Mrs. Barry. The curtains +of her bedroom windows were down, and they didn't move as we mounted +and trotted off... BUT TWO HOURS AFTERWARDS, you should have seen +her as she came tottering downstairs, and heard the scream which she +gave as she hugged her boy to her heart, quite unharmed and without +a wound in his body. + +What had taken place I may as well tell here. When we got to the +ground, Ulick, Mick, and the Captain were already there: Quin, +flaming in red regimentals, as big a monster as ever led a grenadier +company. The party were laughing together at some joke of one or the +other: and I must say I thought this laughter very unbecoming in my +cousins, who were met, perhaps, to see the death of one of their +kindred. + +'I hope to spoil this sport,' says I to Captain Fagan, in a great +rage, 'and trust to see this sword of mine in yonder big bully's +body.' + +'Oh! it's with pistols we fight,' replied Mr. Fagan. 'You are no +match for Quin with the sword.' + +'I'll match any man with the sword,' said I. + +'But swords are to-day impossible; Captain Quin is--is lame. He +knocked his knee against the swinging park-gate last night, as he +was riding home, and can scarce move it now.' + +'Not against Castle Brady gate,' says I: 'that has been off the +hinges these ten years.' On which Fagan said it must have been some +other gate, and repeated what he had said to Mr. Quin and my +cousins, when, on alighting from our horses, we joined and saluted +those gentlemen. + +'Oh yes! dead lame,' said Ulick, coming to shake me by the hand, +while Captain Quin took off his hat and turned extremely red. 'And +very lucky for you, Redmond my boy,' continued Ulick; 'you were a +dead man else; for he is a devil of a fellow--isn't he, Fagan?' + +'A regular Turk,' answered Fagan; adding, 'I never yet knew the man +who stood to Captain Quin.' + +'Hang the business!' said Ulick; 'I hate it. I'm ashamed of it. Say +you're sorry, Redmond: you can easily say that.' + +'If the young FELLER will go to DUBLING, as proposed'--here +interposed Mr. Quin. + +'I am NOT sorry--I'll NOT apologise--and I'll as soon go to DUBLING +as to--!' said I, with a stamp of my foot. + +'There's nothing else for it,' said Ulick with a laugh to Fagan. +'Take your ground, Fagan,--twelve paces, I suppose?' + +'Ten, sir,' said Mr. Quin, in a big voice; 'and make them short +ones, do you hear, Captain Fagan?' + +'Don't bully, Mr. Quin,' said Ulick surlily; 'here are the pistols.' +And he added, with some emotion, to me, 'God bless you, my boy; and +when I count three, fire.' + +Mr. Fagan put my pistol into my hand,--that is, not one of mine +(which were to serve, if need were, for the next round), but one of +Ulick's. 'They are all right,' said he. 'Never fear: and, Redmond, +fire at his neck--hit him there under the gorget. See how the fool +shows himself open.' Mick, who had never spoken a word, Ulick, and +the Captain retired to one side, and Ulick gave the signal. It was +slowly given, and I had leisure to cover my man well. I saw him +changing colour and trembling as the numbers were given. At 'three,' +both our pistols went off. I heard something whizz by me, and my +antagonist, giving a most horrible groan, staggered backwards and +fell. + +'He's down--he's down!' cried the seconds, running towards him. +Ulick lifted him up--Mick took his head. + +'He's hit here, in the neck,' said Mick; and laying open his coat, +blood was seen gurgling from under his gorget, at the very spot at +which I aimed. + +'How is it with you?' said Ulick. 'Is he really hit?' said he, +looking hard at him. The unfortunate man did not answer, but when +the support of Ulick's arm was withdrawn from his back, groaned once +more, and fell backwards. + +'The young fellow has begun well,' said Mick, with a scowl. 'You had +better ride off, young sir, before the police are up. They had wind +of the business before we left Kilwangan.' + +'Is he quite dead?' said I. + +'Quite dead,' answered Mick. + +'Then the world's rid of A COWARD,' said Captain Fagan, giving the +huge prostrate body a scornful kick with his foot. 'It's all over +with him, Reddy,--he doesn't stir.' + +'WE are not cowards, Fagan,' said Ulick roughly, 'whatever he was! +Let's get the boy off as quick as we may. Your man shall go for a +cart, and take away the body of this unhappy gentleman. This has +been a sad day's work for our family, Redmond Barry: you have robbed +us of 1500(pounds) a year.' + +'It was Nora did it,' said I; 'not I.' And I took the riband she +gave me out of my waistcoat, and the letter, and flung them down on +the body of Captain Quin. 'There!' says I--'take her those ribands. +She'll know what they mean: and that's all that's left to her of two +lovers she had and ruined.' + +I did not feel any horror or fear, young as I was, in seeing my +enemy prostrate before me; for I knew that I had met and conquered +him honourably in the field, as became a man of my name and blood. + +'And now, in Heaven's name, get the youngster out of the way,' said +Mick. + +Ulick said he would ride with me, and off accordingly we galloped, +never drawing bridle till we came to my mother's door. When there, +Ulick told Tim to feed my mare, as I would have far to ride that +day; and I was in the poor mother's arms in a minute. + +I need not tell how great were her pride and exultation when she +heard from Ulick's lips the account of my behaviour at the duel. He +urged, however, that I should go into hiding for a short time; and +it was agreed between them that I should drop my name of Barry, and, +taking that of Redmond, go to Dublin, and there wait until matters +were blown over. This arrangement was not come to without some +discussion; for why should I not be as safe at Barryville, she said, +as my cousin and Ulick at Castle Brady?--bailiffs and duns never got +near THEM; why should constables be enabled to come upon me? But +Ulick persisted in the necessity of my instant departure; in which +argument, as I was anxious to see the world, I must confess, I sided +with him; and my mother was brought to see that in our small house +at Barryville, in the midst of the village, and with the guard but +of a couple of servants, escape would be impossible. So the kind +soul was forced to yield to my cousin's entreaties, who promised +her, however, that the affair would soon be arranged, and that I +should be restored to her. Ah! how little did he know what fortune +was in store for me! + +My dear mother had some forebodings, I think, that our separation +was to be a long one; for she told me that all night long she had +been consulting the cards regarding my fate in the duel: and that +all the signs betokened a separation; then, taking out a stocking +from her escritoire, the kind soul put twenty guineas in a purse for +me (she had herself but twenty-five), and made up a little valise, +to be placed at the back of my mare, in which were my clothes, +linen, and a silver dressing-case of my father's. She bade me, too, +to keep the sword and the pistols I had known to use so like a man. +She hurried my departure now (though her heart, I know, was full), +and almost in half-an-hour after my arrival at home I was once more +on the road again, with the wide world as it were before me. I need +not tell how Tim and the cook cried at my departure: and, mayhap, I +had a tear or two myself in my eyes; but no lad of sixteen is VERY +sad who has liberty for the first time, and twenty guineas in his +pocket: and I rode away, thinking, I confess, not so much of the +kind mother left alone, and of the home behind me, as of to-morrow, +and all the wonders it would bring. + +CHAPTER III + +A FALSE START IN THE GENTEEL WORLD + +I rode that night as far as Carlow, where I lay at the best inn; and +being asked what was my name by the landlord of the house, gave it +as Mr. Redmond, according to my cousin's instructions, and said I +was of the Redmonds of Waterford county, and was on my road to +Trinity College, Dublin, to be educated there. Seeing my handsome +appearance, silver-hiked sword, and well-filled valise, my landlord +made free to send up a jug of claret without my asking; and charged, +you may be sure, pretty handsomely for it in the bill. No gentleman +in those good old days went to bed without a good share of liquor to +set him sleeping, and on this my first day's entrance into the +world, I made a point to act the fine gentleman completely; and, I +assure you, succeeded in my part to admiration. The excitement of +the events of the day, the quitting my home, the meeting with +Captain Quin, were enough to set my brains in a whirl, without the +claret; which served to finish me completely. I did not dream of the +death of Quin, as some milksops, perhaps, would have done; indeed, I +have never had any of that foolish remorse consequent upon any of my +affairs of honour: always considering, from the first, that where a +gentleman risks his own life in manly combat, he is a fool to be +ashamed because he wins. I slept at Carlow as sound as man could +sleep; drank a tankard of small beer and a toast to my breakfast; +and exchanged the first of my gold pieces to settle the bill, not +forgetting to pay all the servants liberally, and as a gentleman +should. I began so the first day of my life, and so have continued. +No man has been at greater straits than I, and has borne more +pinching poverty and hardship; but nobody can say of me that, if I +had a guinea, I was not free-handed with it, and did not spend it as +well as a lord could do. + +I had no doubts of the future: thinking that a man of my person, +parts, and courage, could make his way anywhere. Besides, I had +twenty gold guineas in my pocket; a sum which (although I was +mistaken) I calculated would last me for four months at least, +during which time something would be done towards the making of my +fortune. So I rode on, singing to myself, or chatting with the +passers-by; and all the girls along the road said God save me for a +clever gentleman! As for Nora and Castle Brady, between to-day and +yesterday there seemed to be a gap as of half-a-score of years. I +vowed I would never re-enter the place but as a great man; and I +kept my vow too, as you shall hear in due time. + +There was much more liveliness and bustle on the king's highroad in +those times, than in these days of stage-coaches, which carry you +from one end of the kingdom to another in a few score hours. The +gentry rode their own horses or drove in their own coaches, and +spent three days on a journey which now occupies ten hours; so that +there was no lack of company for a person travelling towards Dublin. +I made part of the journey from Carlow towards Naas with a well- +armed gentleman from Kilkenny, dressed in green and a gold cord, +with a patch on his eye, and riding a powerful mare. He asked me the +question of the day, and whither I was bound, and whether my mother +was not afraid on account of the highwaymen to let one so young as +myself to travel? But I said, pulling out one of them from a +holster, that I had a pair of good pistols that had already done +execution, and were ready to do it again; and here, a pock-marked +man coming up, he put spurs into his bay mare and left me. She was a +much more powerful animal than mine; and, besides, I did not wish to +fatigue my horse, wishing to enter Dublin that night, and in +reputable condition. + +As I rode towards Kilcullen, I saw a crowd of the peasant-people +assembled round a one-horse chair, and my friend in green, as I +thought, making off half a mile up the hill. A footman was howling +'Stop thief!' at the top of his voice; but the country fellows were +only laughing at his distress, and making all sorts of jokes at the +adventure which had just befallen. + +'Sure you might have kept him off with your blunderBUSH!' says one +fellow. + +'Oh, the coward! to let the Captain BATE you; and he only one eye!' +cries another. + +'The next time my Lady travels, she'd better lave you at home!' said +a third. + +'What is this noise, fellows?' said I, riding up amongst them, and, +seeing a lady in the carriage very pale and frightened, gave a slash +of my whip, and bade the red-shanked ruffians keep off. 'What has +happened, madam, to annoy your Ladyship?' I said, pulling off my +hat, and bringing my mare up in a prance to the chair window. + +The lady explained. She was the wife of Captain Fitzsimons, and was +hastening to join the Captain at Dublin. Her chair had been stopped +by a highway-man: the great oaf of a servant-man had fallen down on +his knees armed as he was; and though there were thirty people in +the next field working when the ruffian attacked her, not one of +them would help her; but, on the contrary, wished the Captain, as +they called the highwayman, good luck. + +'Sure he's the friend of the poor,' said one fellow, 'and good luck +to him!' + +'Was it any business of ours?' asked another. And another told, +grinning, that it was the famous Captain Freny, who, having bribed +the jury to acquit him two days back at Kilkenny assizes, had +mounted his horse at the gaol door, and the very next day had robbed +two barristers who were going the circuit. + +I told this pack of rascals to be off to their work, or they should +taste of my thong, and proceeded, as well as I could, to comfort +Mrs. Fitzsimons under her misfortunes. 'Had she lost much?' +'Everything: her purse, containing upwards of a hundred guineas; her +jewels, snuff-boxes, watches, and a pair of diamond shoe-buckles of +the Captain's.' These mishaps I sincerely commiserated; and knowing +her by her accent to be an Englishwoman, deplored the difference +that existed between the two countries, and said that in OUR country +(meaning England) such atrocities were unknown. + +'You, too, are an Englishman?' said she, with rather a tone of +surprise. On which I said I was proud to be such: as, in fact, I +was; and I never knew a true Tory gentleman of Ireland who did not +wish he could say as much. + +I rode by Mrs. Fitzsimon's chair all the way to Naas; and, as she +had been robbed of her purse, asked permission to lend her a couple +of pieces to pay her expenses at the inn: which sum she was +graciously pleased to accept, and was, at the same time, kind enough +to invite me to share her dinner. To the lady's questions regarding +my birth and parentage, I replied that I was a young gentleman of +large fortune (this was not true; but what is the use of crying bad +fish? my dear mother instructed me early in this sort of prudence) +and good family in the county of Waterford; that I was going to +Dublin for my studies, and that my mother allowed me five hundred +per annum. Mrs. Fitzsimons was equally communicative. She was the +daughter of General Granby Somerset of Worcestershire, of whom, of +course, I had heard (and though I had not, of course I was too well- +bred to say so); and had made, as she must confess, a runaway match +with Ensign Fitzgerald Fitzsimons. Had I been in Donegal?--No! That +was a pity. The Captain's father possesses a hundred thousand acres +there, and Fitzsimonsburgh Castle's the finest mansion in Ireland. +Captain Fitzsimons is the eldest son; and, though he has quarrelled +with his father, must inherit the vast property. She went on to tell +me about the balls at Dublin, the banquets at the Castle, the horse- +races at the Phoenix, the ridottos and routs, until I became quite +eager to join in those pleasures; and I only felt grieved to think +that my position would render secrecy necessary, and prevent me from +being presented at the Court, of which the Fitzsimonses were the +most elegant ornaments. How different was her lively rattle to that +of the vulgar wenches at the Kilwangan assemblies! In every sentence +she mentioned a lord or a person of quality. She evidently spoke +French and Italian, of the former of which languages I have said I +knew a few words; and, as for her English accent, why, perhaps I was +no judge of that, for, to say the truth, she was the first REAL +English person I had ever met. She recommended me, further, to be +very cautious with regard to the company I should meet at Dublin, +where rogues and adventurers of all countries abounded; and my +delight and gratitude to her may be imagined, when, as our +conversation grew more intimate (as we sat over our dessert), she +kindly offered to accommodate me with lodgings in her own house, +where her Fitzsimons, she said, would welcome with delight her +gallant young preserver. + +'Indeed, madam,' said I, 'I have preserved nothing for you.' Which +was perfectly true; for had I not come up too late after the robbery +to prevent the highwayman from carrying off her money and pearls? + +'And sure, ma'am, them wasn't much,' said Sullivan, the blundering +servant, who had been so frightened at Freny's approach, and was +waiting on us at dinner. 'Didn't he return you the thirteenpence in +copper, and the watch, saying it was only pinch-beck?' + +But his lady rebuked him for a saucy varlet, and turned him out of +the room at once, saying to me when he had gone, 'that the fool +didn't know what was the meaning of a hundred-pound bill, which was +in the pocket-book that Freny took from her.' + +Perhaps had I been a little older in the world's experience, I +should have begun to see that Madam Fitzsimons was not the person of +fashion she pretended to be; but, as it was, I took all her stories +for truth, and, when the landlord brought the bill for dinner, paid +it with the air of a lord. Indeed, she made no motion to produce the +two pieces I had lent to her; and so we rode on slowly towards +Dublin, into which city we made our entrance at nightfall. The +rattle and splendour of the coaches, the flare of the linkboys, the +number and magnificence of the houses, struck me with the greatest +wonder; though I was careful to disguise this feeling, according to +my dear mother's directions, who told me that it was the mark of a +man of fashion never to wonder at anything, and never to admit that +any house, equipage, or company he saw, was more splendid or genteel +than what he had been accustomed to at home. + +We stopped, at length, at a house of rather mean appearance, and +were let into a passage by no means so clean as that at Barryville, +where there was a great smell of supper and punch. A stout red-faced +man, without a periwig, and in rather a tattered nightgown and cap, +made his appearance from the parlour, and embraced his lady (for it +was Captain Fitzsimons) with a great deal of cordiality. Indeed, +when he saw that a stranger accompanied her, he embraced her more +rapturously than ever. In introducing me, she persisted in saying +that I was her preserver, and complimented my gallantry as much as +if I had killed Freny, instead of coming up when the robbery was +over. The Captain said he knew the Redmonds of Waterford intimately +well: which assertion alarmed me, as I knew nothing of the family to +which I was stated to belong. But I posed him, by asking WHICH of +the Redmonds he knew, for I had never heard his name in our family. +He said he knew the Redmonds of Redmondstown. 'Oh,' says I, 'mine +are the Redmonds of Castle Redmond;' and so I put him off the scent. +I went to see my nag put up at a livery-stable hard by, with the +Captain's horse and chair, and returned to my entertainer. + +Although there were the relics of some mutton-chops and onions on a +cracked dish before him, the Captain said, 'My love, I wish I had +known of your coming, for Bob Moriarty and I just finished the most +delicious venison pasty, which his Grace the Lord Lieutenant sent +us, with a flask of Sillery from his own cellar. You know the wine, +my dear? But as bygones are bygones, and no help for them, what say +ye to a fine lobster and a bottle of as good claret as any in +Ireland? Betty, clear these things from the table, and make the +mistress and our young friend welcome to our home.' + +Not having small change, Mr. Fitzsimons asked me to lend him a +tenpenny-piece to purchase the dish of lobsters; but his lady, +handing out one of the guineas I had given her, bade the girl get +the change for that, and procure the supper; which she did +presently, bringing back only a very few shillings out of the guinea +to her mistress, saying that the fishmonger had kept the remainder +for an old account. 'And the more great big blundering fool you, for +giving the gold piece to him,' roared Mr. Fitzsimons. I forget how +many hundred guineas he said he had paid the fellow during the year. + +Our supper was seasoned, if not by any great elegance, at least by a +plentiful store of anecdotes, concerning the highest personages of +the city; with whom, according to himself, the Captain lived on +terms of the utmost intimacy. Not to be behindhand with him, I spoke +of my own estates and property as if I was as rich as a duke. I told +all the stories of the nobility I had ever heard from my mother, and +some that, perhaps, I had invented; and ought to have been aware +that my host was an impostor himself, as he did not find out my own +blunders and misstatements. But youth is ever too confident. It was +some time before I knew that I had made no very desirable +acquaintance in Captain Fitzsimons and his lady; and, indeed, went +to bed congratulating myself upon my wonderful good luck in having, +at the outset of my adventures, fallen in with so distinguished a +couple. + +The appearance of the chamber I occupied might, indeed, have led me +to imagine that the heir of Fitzsimonsburgh Castle, county Donegal, +was not as yet reconciled with his wealthy parents; and, had I been +an English lad, probably my suspicion and distrust would have been +aroused instantly. But perhaps, as the reader knows, we are not so +particular in Ireland on the score of neatness as people are in this +precise country; hence the disorder of my bedchamber did not strike +me so much. For were not all the windows broken and stuffed with +rags even at Castle Brady, my uncle's superb mansion? Was there ever +a lock to the doors there, or if a lock, a handle to the lock or a +hasp to fasten it to? So, though my bedroom boasted of these +inconveniences, and a few more; though my counterpane was evidently +a greased brocade dress of Mrs. Fitzsimons's, and my cracked toilet- +glass not much bigger than a half-crown, yet I was used to this sort +of ways in Irish houses, and still thought myself in that of a man +of fashion. There was no lock to the drawers, which, when they DID +open, were full of my hostess's rouge-pots, shoes, stays, and rags; +so I allowed my wardrobe to remain in my valise, but set out my +silver dressing-apparatus upon the ragged cloth on the drawers, +where it shone to great advantage. + +When Sullivan appeared in the morning, I asked him about my mare, +which he informed me was doing well. I then bade him bring me hot +shaving-water, in a loud dignified tone. + +'Hot shaving-water!' says he, bursting out laughing (and I confess +not without reason). 'Is it yourself you're going to shave?' said +he. 'And maybe when I bring you up the water I'll bring you up the +cat too, and you can shave her.' I flung a boot at the scoundrel's +head in reply to this impertinence, and was soon with my friends in +the parlour for breakfast. There was a hearty welcome, and the same +cloth that had been used the night before: as I recognised by the +black mark of the Irish-stew dish, and the stain left by a pot of +porter at supper. + +My host greeted me with great cordiality; Mrs. Fitzsimons said I was +an elegant figure for the Phoenix; and indeed, without vanity, I may +say of myself that there were worse-looking fellows in Dublin than +I. I had not the powerful chest and muscular proportion which I have +since attained (to be exchanged, alas! for gouty legs and chalk- +stones in my fingers; but 'tis the way of mortality), but I had +arrived at near my present growth of six feet, and with my hair in +buckle, a handsome lace jabot and wristbands to my shirt, and a red +plush waistcoat, barred with gold, looked the gentleman I was born. +I wore my drab coat with plate buttons, that was grown too small for +me, and quite agreed with Captain Fitzsimons that I must pay a visit +to his tailor, in order to procure myself a coat more fitting my +size. + +'I needn't ask whether you had a comfortable bed,' said he. 'Young +Fred Pimpleton (Lord Pimpleton's second son) slept in it for seven +months, during which he did me the honour to stay with me, and if HE +was satisfied, I don't know who else wouldn't be.' + +After breakfast we walked out to see the town, and Mr. Fitzsimons +introduced me to several of his acquaintances whom we met, as his +particular young friend Mr. Redmond, of Waterford county; he also +presented me at his hatter's and tailor's as a gentleman of great +expectations and large property; and although I told the latter that +I should not pay him ready cash for more than one coat, which fitted +me to a nicety, yet he insisted upon making me several, which I did +not care to refuse. The Captain, also, who certainly wanted such a +renewal of raiment, told the tailor to send him home a handsome +military frock, which he selected. + +Then we went home to Mrs. Fitzsimons, who drove out in her chair to +the Phoenix Park, where a review was, and where numbers of the young +gentry were round about her; to all of whom she presented me as her +preserver of the day before. Indeed, such was her complimentary +account of me, that before half-an-hour I had got to be considered +as a young gentleman of the highest family in the land, related to +all the principal nobility, a cousin of Captain Fitzsimons, and heir +to L10,000 a year. Fitzsimons said he had ridden over every inch of +my estate; and 'faith, as he chose to tell these stories for me, I +let him have his way--indeed, was not a little pleased (as youth is) +to be made much of, and to pass for a great personage. I had little +notion then that I had got among a set of impostors--that Captain +Fitzsimons was only an adventurer, and his lady a person of no +credit; but such are the dangers to which youth is perpetually +subject, and hence let young men take warning by me. + +I purposely hurry over the description of my life in which the +incidents were painful, of no great interest except to my unlucky +self, and of which my companions were certainly not of a kind +befitting my quality. The fact was, a young man could hardly have +fallen into worse hands than those in which I now found myself. I +have been to Donegal since, and have never seen the famous Castle of +Fitzsimonsburgh, which is, likewise, unknown to the oldest +inhabitants of that county; nor are the Granby Somersets much better +known in Worcestershire. The couple into whose hands I had fallen +were of a sort much more common then than at present, for the vast +wars of later days have rendered it very difficult for noblemen's +footmen or hangers-on to procure commissions; and such, in fact, had +been the original station of Captain Fitzsimons. Had I known his +origin, of course I would have died rather than have associated with +him: but in those simple days of youth I took his tales for truth, +and fancied myself in high luck at being, at my outset into life, +introduced into such a family. Alas! we are the sport of destiny. +When I consider upon what small circumstances all the great events +of my life have turned, I can hardly believe myself to have been +anything but a puppet in the hands of Fate; which has played its +most fantastic tricks upon me. + +The Captain had been a gentleman's gentleman, and his lady of no +higher rank. The society which this worthy pair kept was at a sort +of ordinary which they held, and at which their friends were always +welcome on payment of a certain moderate sum for their dinner. After +dinner, you may be sure that cards were not wanting, and that the +company who played did not play for love merely. To these parties +persons of all sorts would come: young bloods from the regiments +garrisoned in Dublin: young clerks from the Castle; horse-riding, +wine-tippling, watchman-beating men of fashion about town, such as +existed in Dublin in that day more than in any other city with which +I am acquainted in Europe. I never knew young fellows make such a +show, and upon such small means. I never knew young gentlemen with +what I may call such a genius for idleness; and whereas an +Englishman with fifty guineas a year is not able to do much more +than starve, and toil like a slave in a profession, a young Irish +buck with the same sum will keep his horses, and drink his bottle, +and live as lazy as a lord. Here was a doctor who never had a +patient, cheek by jowl with an attorney who never had a client: +neither had a guinea--each had a good horse to ride in the Park, and +the best of clothes to his back. A sporting clergyman without a +living; several young wine-merchants, who consumed much more liquor +than they had or sold; and men of similar character, formed the +society at the house into which, by ill luck, I was thrown. What +could happen to a man but misfortune from associating with such +company?--(I have not mentioned the ladies of the society, who were, +perhaps, no better than the males)--and in a very very short time I +became their prey. + +As for my poor twenty guineas, in three days I saw, with terror, +that they had dwindled down to eight: theatres and taverns having +already made such cruel inroads in my purse. At play I had lost, it +is true, a couple of pieces; but seeing that every one round about +me played upon honour and gave their bills, I, of course, preferred +that medium to the payment of ready money, and when I lost paid on +account. + +With the tailors, saddlers, and others, I employed similar means; +and in so far Mr. Fitzsimons's representation did me good, for the +tradesmen took him at his word regarding my fortune (I have since +learned that the rascal pigeoned several other young men of +property), and for a little time supplied me with any goods I might +be pleased to order. At length, my cash running low, I was compelled +to pawn some of the suits with which the tailor had provided me; for +I did not like to part with my mare, on which I daily rode in the +Park, and which I loved as the gift of my respected uncle. I raised +some little money, too, on a few trinkets which I had purchased of a +jeweller who pressed his credit upon me; and thus was enabled to +keep up appearances for yet a little time. + +I asked at the post-office repeatedly for letters for Mr. Redmond, +but none such had arrived; and, indeed, I always felt rather +relieved when the answer of 'No' was given to me; for I was not very +anxious that my mother should know my proceedings in the extravagant +life which I was leading at Dublin. It could not last very long, +however; for when my cash was quite exhausted, and I paid a second +visit to the tailor, requesting him to make me more clothes, the +fellow hummed and ha'd, and had the impudence to ask payment for +those already supplied: on which, telling him I should withdraw my +custom from him, I abruptly left him. The goldsmith too (a rascal +Jew) declined to let me take a gold chain to which I had a fancy; +and I felt now, for the first time, in some perplexity. To add to +it, one of the young gentlemen who frequented Mr. Fitzsimons's +boarding-house had received from me, in the way of play, an IOU for +eighteen pounds (which I lost to him at piquet), and which, owing +Mr. Curbyn, the livery-stable keeper, a bill, he passed into that +person's hands. Fancy my rage and astonishment, then, on going for +my mare, to find that he positively refused to let me have her out +of the stable, except under payment of my promissory note! It was in +vain that I offered him his choice of four notes that I had in my +pocket--one of Fitzsimons's for L20, one of Counsellor Mulligan's, +and so forth; the dealer, who was a Yorkshireman, shook his head, +and laughed at every one of them; and said, 'I tell you what, Master +Redmond, you appear a young fellow of birth and fortune, and let me +whisper in your ear that you have fallen into very bad hands--it's a +regular gang of swindlers; and a gentleman of your rank and quality +should never be seen in such company. Go home: pack up your valise, +pay the little trifle to me, mount your mare, and ride back again to +your parents,--it's the very best thing you can do.' + +In a pretty nest of villains, indeed, was I plunged! It seemed as if +all my misfortunes were to break on me at once; for, on going home +and ascending to my bedroom in a disconsolate way, I found the +Captain and his lady there before me, my valise open, my wardrobe +lying on the ground, and my keys in the possession of the odious +Fitzsimons. 'Whom have I been harbouring in my house?' roared he, as +I entered the apartment. 'Who are you, sirrah?' + +'SIRRAH! Sir,' said I, 'I am as good a gentleman as any in Ireland.' + +'You're an impostor, young man: a schemer, a deceiver!' shouted the +Captain. + +'Repeat the words again, and I will run you through the body,' +replied I. + +'Tut, tut! I can play at fencing as well as you, Mr. REDMOND BARRY. +Ah! you change colour, do you--your secret is known, is it? You come +like a viper into the bosom of innocent families; you represent +yourself as the heir of my friends the Redmonds of Castle Redmond; I +inthrojuice you to the nobility and genthry of this methropolis' +(the Captain's brogue was large, and his words, by preference, +long); 'I take you to my tradesmen, who give you credit, and what do +I find? That you have pawned the goods which you took up at their +houses.' + +'I have given them my acceptances, sir,' said I with a dignified +air. + +'UNDER WHAT NAME, unhappy boy--under what name?' screamed Mrs. +Fitzsimons; and then, indeed, I remembered that I had signed the +documents Barry Redmond instead of Redmond Barry: but what else +could I do? Had not my mother desired me to take no other +designation? After uttering a furious tirade against me, in which he +spoke of the fatal discovery of my real name on my linen--of his +misplaced confidence of affection, and the shame with which he +should be obliged to meet his fashionable friends and confess that +he had harboured a swindler, he gathered up the linen, clothes, +silver toilet articles, and the rest of my gear, saying that he +should step out that moment for an officer and give me up to the +just revenge of the law. + +During the first part of his speech, the thought of the imprudence +of which I had been guilty, and the predicament in which I was +plunged, had so puzzled and confounded me, that I had not uttered a +word in reply to the fellow's abuse, but had stood quite dumb before +him. The sense of danger, however, at once roused me to action. +'Hark ye, Mr. Fitzsimons,' said I; 'I will tell you why I was +obliged to alter my name: which is Barry, and the best name in +Ireland. I changed it, sir, because, on the day before I came to +Dublin, I killed a man in deadly combat--an Englishman, sir, and a +captain in His Majesty's service; and if you offer to let or hinder +me in the slightest way, the same arm which destroyed him is ready +to punish you; and by Heaven, sir, you or I don't leave this room +alive!' + +So saying, I drew my sword like lightning, and giving a 'ha! ha!' +and a stamp with my foot, lunged within an inch of Fitzsimons's +heart, who started back and turned deadly pale, while his wife, with +a scream, flung herself between us. + +'Dearest Redmond,' she cried, 'be pacified. Fitzsimons, you don't +want the poor child's blood. Let him escape--in Heaven's name let +him go.' + +'He may go hang for me,' said Fitzsimons sulkily; 'and he'd better +be off quickly, too, for the jeweller and the tailor have called +once, and will be here again before long. It was Moses the +pawnbroker that peached: I had the news from him myself.' By which I +conclude that Mr. Fitzsimons had been with the new laced frock-coat +which he procured from the merchant tailor on the day when the +latter first gave me credit. + +What was the end of our conversation? Where was now a home for the +descendant of the Barrys? Home was shut to me by my misfortune in +the duel. I was expelled from Dublin by a persecution occasioned, I +must confess, by my own imprudence. I had no time to wait and +choose: no place of refuge to fly to. Fitzsimons, after his abuse of +me, left the room growling, but not hostile; his wife insisted that +we should shake hands, and he promised not to molest me. Indeed, I +owed the fellow nothing; and, on the contrary, had his acceptance +actually in my pocket for money lost at play. As for my friend Mrs. +Fitzsimons, she sat down on the bed and fairly burst out crying. She +had her faults, but her heart was kind; and though she possessed but +three shillings in the world, and fourpence in copper, the poor soul +made me take it before I left her--to go--whither? My mind was made +up: there was a score of recruiting-parties in the town beating up +for men to join our gallant armies in America and Germany; I knew +where to find one of these, having stood by the sergeant at a review +in the Phoenix Park, where he pointed out to me characters on the +field, for which I treated him to drink. + +I gave one of my shillings to Sullivan the butler of the +Fitzsimonses, and, running into the street, hastened to the little +alehouse at which my acquaintance was quartered, and before ten +minutes had accepted His Majesty's shilling. I told him frankly that +I was a young gentleman in difficulties; that I had killed an +officer in a duel, and was anxious to get out of the country. But I +need not have troubled myself with any explanations; King George was +too much in want of men then to heed from whence they came, and a +fellow of my inches, the sergeant said, was always welcome. Indeed, +I could not, he said, have chosen my time better. A transport was +lying at Dunleary, waiting for a wind, and on board that ship, to +which I marched that night, I made some surprising discoveries, +which shall be told in the next chapter. + +CHAPTER IV + +IN WHICH BARRY TAKES A NEAR VIEW OF MILITARY GLORY + +I never had a taste for anything but genteel company, and hate all +descriptions of low life. Hence my account of the society in which I +at present found myself must of necessity be short; and, indeed, the +recollection of it is profoundly disagreeable to me. Pah! the +reminiscences of the horrid black-hole of a place in which we +soldiers were confined; of the wretched creatures with whom I was +now forced to keep company; of the ploughmen, poachers, pickpockets, +who had taken refuge from poverty, or the law (as, in truth, I had +done myself), is enough to make me ashamed even now, and it calls +the blush into my old cheeks to think I was ever forced to keep such +company. I should have fallen into despair, but that, luckily, +events occurred to rouse my spirits, and in some measure to console +me for my misfortunes. + +The first of these consolations I had was a good quarrel, which took +place on the day after my entrance into the transport-ship, with a +huge red-haired monster of a fellow--a chairman, who had enlisted to +fly from a vixen of a wife, who, boxer as he was, had been more than +a match for him. As soon as this fellow--Toole, I remember, was his +name--got away from the arms of the washerwoman his lady, his +natural courage and ferocity returned, and he became the tyrant of +all round about him. All recruits, especially, were the object of +the brute's insult and ill-treatment. + +I had no money, as I said, and was sitting very disconsolately over +a platter of rancid bacon and mouldy biscuit, which was served to us +at mess, when it came to my turn to be helped to drink, and I was +served, like the rest, with a dirty tin noggin, containing somewhat +more than half a pint of rum-and-water. The beaker was so greasy and +filthy that I could not help turning round to the messman and +saying, 'Fellow, get me a glass!' At which all the wretches round +about me burst into a roar of laughter, the very loudest among them +being, of course, Mr. Toole. 'Get the gentleman a towel for his +hands, and serve him a basin of turtle-soup,' roared the monster, +who was sitting, or rather squatting, on the deck opposite me; and +as he spoke he suddenly seized my beaker of grog and emptied it, in +the midst of another burst of applause. + +'If you want to vex him, ax him about his wife the washerwoman, who +BATES him,' here whispered in my ear another worthy, a retired link- +boy, who, disgusted with his profession, had adopted the military +life. + +'Is it a towel of your wife's washing, Mr. Toole?' said I. 'I'm told +she wiped your face often with one.' + +'Ax him why he wouldn't see her yesterday, when she came to the +ship,' continued the link-boy. And so I put to him some other +foolish jokes about soapsuds, henpecking, and flat-irons, which set +the man into a fury, and succeeded in raising a quarrel between us. +We should have fallen to at once, but a couple of grinning marines, +who kept watch at the door, for fear we should repent of our bargain +and have a fancy to escape, came forward and interposed between us +with fixed bayonets; but the sergeant coming down the ladder, and +hearing the dispute, condescended to say that we might fight it out +like men with FISTES if we chose, and that the fore-deck should be +free to us for that purpose. But the use of fistes, as the +Englishman called them, was not then general in Ireland, and it was +agreed that we should have a pair of cudgels; with one of which +weapons I finished the fellow in four minutes, giving him a thump +across his stupid sconce which laid him lifeless on the deck, and +not receiving myself a single hurt of consequence. + +This victory over the cock of the vile dunghill obtained me respect +among the wretches of whom I formed part, and served to set up my +spirits, which otherwise were flagging; and my position was speedily +made more bearable by the arrival on board our ship of an old +friend. This was no other than my second in the fatal duel which had +sent me thus early out into the world, Captain Fagan. There was a +young nobleman who had a company in our regiment (Gale's foot), and +who, preferring the delights of the Mall and the clubs to the +dangers of a rough campaign, had given Fagan the opportunity of an +exchange; which, as the latter had no fortune but his sword, he was +glad to make. The sergeant was putting us through our exercise on +deck (the seamen and officers of the transport looking grinning on) +when a boat came from the shore bringing our captain to the ship; +and though I started and blushed red as he recognised me--a +descendant of the Barrys--in this degrading posture, I promise you +that the sight of Fagan's face was most welcome to me, for it +assured me that a friend was near me. Before that I was so +melancholy that I would certainly have deserted had I found the +means, and had not the inevitable marines kept a watch to prevent +any such escapes. Fagan gave me a wink of recognition, but offered +no public token of acquaintance; it was not until two days +afterwards, and when we had bidden adieu to old Ireland and were +standing out to sea, that he called me into his cabin, and then, +shaking hands with me cordially, gave me news, which I much wanted, +of my family. 'I had news of you in Dublin,' he said. ''Faith you've +begun early, like your father's son; and I think you could not do +better than as you have done. But why did you not write home to your +poor mother? She has sent a half-dozen letters to you at Dublin.' + +I said I had asked for letters at the post-office, but there were +none for Mr. Redmond. I did not like to add that I had been ashamed, +after the first week, to write to my mother. + +'We must write to her by the pilot,' said he, 'who will leave us in +two hours; and you can tell her that you are safe, and married to +Brown Bess.' I sighed when he talked about being married; on which +he said with a laugh, 'I see you are thinking of a certain young +lady at Brady's Town.' + +'Is Miss Brady well?' said I; and indeed, could hardly utter it, for +I certainly WAS thinking about her: for, though I had forgotten her +in the gaieties of Dublin, I have always found adversity makes man +very affectionate. + +'There's only seven Miss Bradys now,' answered Fagan, in a solemn +voice. 'Poor Nora'-- + +'Good heavens! what of her?' I thought grief had killed her. + +'She took on so at your going away that she was obliged to console +herself with a husband. She's now Mrs. John Quin.' + +'Mrs. John Quin! Was there ANOTHER Mr. John Quin?' asked I, quite +wonder-stricken. + +'No; the very same one, my boy. He recovered from his wound. The +ball you hit him with was not likely to hurt him. It was only made +of tow. Do you think the Bradys would let you kill fifteen hundred a +year out of the family?' And then Fagan further told me that, in +order to get me out of the way--for the cowardly Englishman could +never be brought to marry from fear of me--the plan of the duel had +been arranged. 'But hit him you certainly did, Redmond, and with a +fine thick plugget of tow; and the fellow was so frightened, that he +was an hour in coming to. We told your mother the story afterwards, +and a pretty scene she made; she despatched a half-score of letters +to Dublin after you, but I suppose addressed them to you in your +real name, by which you never thought to ask for them.' + +'The coward!' said I (though, I confess, my mind was considerably +relieved at the thoughts of not having killed him). 'And did the +Bradys of Castle Brady consent to admit a poltroon like that into +one of the most ancient and honourable families in the world?' + +'He has paid off your uncle's mortgage,' said Fagan; 'he gives Nora +a coach-and-six; he is to sell out, and Lieutenant Ulick Brady of +the Militia is to purchase his company. That coward of a fellow has +been the making of your uncle's family. 'Faith! the business was +well done.' And then, laughing, he told me how Mick and Ulick had +never let him out of their sight, although he was for deserting to +England, until the marriage was completed and the happy couple off +on their road to Dublin. 'Are you in want of cash, my boy?' +continued the good-natured Captain. 'You may draw upon me, for I got +a couple of hundred out of Master Quin for my share, and while they +last you shall never want.' + +And so he bade me sit down and write a letter to my mother, which I +did forthwith in very sincere and repentant terms, stating that I +had been guilty of extravagances, that I had not known until that +moment under what a fatal error I had been labouring, and that I had +embarked for Germany as a volunteer. The letter was scarcely +finished when the pilot sang out that he was going on shore; and he +departed, taking with him, from many an anxious fellow besides +myself, our adieux to friends in old Ireland. + +Although I was called Captain Barry for many years of my life, and +have been known as such by the first people of Europe, yet I may as +well confess I had no more claim to the title than many a gentleman +who assumes it, and never had a right to an epaulet, or to any +military decoration higher than a corporal's stripe of worsted. I +was made corporal by Fagan during our voyage to the Elbe, and my +rank was confirmed on TERRA FIRMA. I was promised a halbert, too, +and afterwards, perhaps, an ensigncy, if I distinguished myself; but +Fate did not intend that I should remain long an English soldier: as +shall appear presently. Meanwhile, our passage was very favourable; +my adventures were told by Fagan to his brother officers, who +treated me with kindness; and my victory over the big chairman +procured me respect from my comrades of the fore-deck. Encouraged +and strongly exhorted by Fagan, I did my duty resolutely; but, +though affable and good-humoured with the men, I never at first +condescended to associate with such low fellows: and, indeed, was +called generally amongst them 'my Lord.' I believe it was the ex- +link-boy, a facetious knave, who gave me the title; and I felt that +I should become such a rank as well as any peer in the kingdom. + +It would require a greater philosopher and historian than I am to +explain the causes of the famous Seven Years' War in which Europe +was engaged; and, indeed, its origin has always appeared to me to be +so complicated, and the books written about it so amazingly hard to +understand, that I have seldom been much wiser at the end of a +chapter than at the beginning, and so shall not trouble my reader +with any personal disquisitions concerning the matter. All I know +is, that after His Majesty's love of his Hanoverian dominions had +rendered him most unpopular in his English kingdom, with Mr. Pitt at +the head of the anti-German war-party, all of a sudden, Mr. Pitt +becoming Minister, the rest of the empire applauded the war as much +as they had hated it before. The victories of Dettingen and Crefeld +were in every-body's mouths, and 'the Protestant hero,' as we used +to call the godless old Frederick of Prussia, was adored by us as a +saint, a very short time after we had been about to make war against +him in alliance with the Empress-queen. Now, somehow, we were on +Frederick's side: the Empress, the French, the Swedes, and the +Russians, were leagued against us; and I remember, when the news of +the battle of Lissa came even to our remote quarter of Ireland, we +considered it as a triumph for the cause of Protestantism, and +illuminated and bonfired, and had a sermon at church, and kept the +Prussian king's birthday; on which my uncle would get drunk: as +indeed on any other occasion. Most of the low fellows enlisted with +myself were, of course, Papists (the English army was filled with +such, out of that never-failing country of ours), and these, +forsooth, were fighting the battles of Protestantism with Frederick; +who was belabouring the Protestant Swedes and the Protestant Saxons, +as well as the Russians of the Greek Church, and the Papist troops +of the Emperor and the King of France. It was against these latter +that the English auxiliaries were employed, and we know that, be the +quarrel what it may, an Englishman and a Frenchman are pretty +willing to make a fight of it. + +We landed at Cuxhaven, and before I had been a month in the +Electorate I was transformed into a tall and proper young soldier, +and having a natural aptitude for military exercise, was soon as +accomplished at the drill as the oldest sergeant in the regiment. It +is well, however, to dream of glorious war in a snug arm-chair at +home; ay, or to make it as an officer, surrounded by gentlemen, +gorgeously dressed, and cheered by chances of promotion. But those +chances do not shine on poor fellows in worsted lace: the rough +texture of our red coats made me ashamed when I saw an officer go +by; my soul used to shudder when, on going the rounds, I would hear +their voices as they sat jovially over the mess-table; my pride +revolted at being obliged to plaster my hair with flour and candle- +grease, instead of using the proper pomatum for a gentleman. Yes, my +tastes have always been high and fashionable, and I loathed the +horrid company in which I was fallen. What chances had I of +promotion? None of my relatives had money to buy me a commission, +and I became soon so low-spirited, that I longed for a general +action and a ball to finish me, and vowed that I would take some +opportunity to desert. + +When I think that I, the descendant of the kings of Ireland, was +threatened with a caning by a young scoundrel who had just joined +from Eton College--when I think that he offered to make me his +footman, and that I did not, on either occasion, murder him! On the +first occasion I burst into tears (I do not care to own it) and had +serious thoughts of committing suicide, so great was my +mortification. But my kind friend Fagan came to my aid in the +circumstance, with some very timely consolation. 'My poor boy,' said +he, 'you must not take the matter to heart so. Caning is only a +relative disgrace. Young Ensign Fakenham was flogged himself at Eton +School only a month ago: I would lay a wager that his scars are not +yet healed. You must cheer up, my boy; do your duty, be a gentleman, +and no serious harm can fall on you.' And I heard afterwards that my +champion had taken Mr. Fakenham very severely to task for this +threat, and said to him that any such proceedings for the future he +should consider as an insult to himself; whereon the young ensign +was, for the moment, civil. As for the sergeants, I told one of +them, that if any man struck me, no matter who he might be, or what +the penalty, I would take his life. And, 'faith! there was an air of +sincerity in my speech which convinced the whole bevy of them; and +as long as I remained in the English service no rattan was ever laid +on the shoulders of Redmond Barry. Indeed, I was in that savage +moody state, that my mind was quite made up to the point, and I +looked to hear my own dead march played as sure as I was alive. When +I was made a corporal, some of my evils were lessened; I messed with +the sergeants by special favour, and used to treat them to drink, +and lose money to the rascals at play: with which cash my good +friend Mr. Fagan punctually supplied me. + +Our regiment, which was quartered about Stade and Luneburg, speedily +got orders to march southwards towards the Rhine, for news came that +our great General, Prince Ferdinand of Brunswick, had been defeated- +no, not defeated, but foiled in his attack upon the French under the +Duke of Broglio, at Bergen, near Frankfort-on-the-Main, and had been +obliged to fall back. As the allies retreated the French rushed +forward, and made a bold push for the Electorate of our gracious +monarch in Hanover, threatening that they would occupy it; as they +had done before, when D'Estrees beat the hero of Culloden, the +gallant Duke of Cumberland, and caused him to sign the capitulation +of Closter Zeven. An advance upon Hanover always caused a great +agitation in the Royal bosom of the King of England; more troops +were sent to join us, convoys of treasure were passed over to our +forces, and to our ally's the King of Prussia; and although, in +spite of all assistance, the army under Prince Ferdinand was very +much weaker than that of the invading enemy, yet we had the +advantage of better supplies, one of the greatest Generals in the +world: and, I was going to add, of British valour, but the less we +say about THAT the better. My Lord George Sackville did not exactly +cover himself with laurels at Minden; otherwise there might have +been won there one of the greatest victories of modern times. + +Throwing himself between the French and the interior of the +Electorate, Prince Ferdinand wisely took possession of the free town +of Bremen, which he made his storehouse and place of arms; and round +which he gathered all his troops, making ready to fight the famous +battle of Minden. + +Were these Memoirs not characterised by truth, and did I deign to +utter a single word for which my own personal experience did not +give me the fullest authority, I might easily make myself the hero +of some strange and popular adventures, and, after the fashion of +novel-writers, introduce my reader to the great characters of this +remarkable time. These persons (I mean the romance-writers), if they +take a drummer or a dustman for a hero, somehow manage to bring him +in contact with the greatest lords and most notorious personages of +the empire; and I warrant me there's not one of them but, in +describing the battle of Minden, would manage to bring Prince +Ferdinand, and my Lord George Sackville, and my Lord Granby, into +presence. It would have been easy for me to have SAID I was present +when the orders were brought to Lord George to charge with the +cavalry and finish the rout of the Frenchmen, and when he refused to +do so, and thereby spoiled the great victory. But the fact is, I was +two miles off from the cavalry when his Lordship's fatal hesitation +took place, and none of us soldiers of the line knew of what had +occurred until we came to talk about the fight over our kettles in +the evening, and repose after the labours of a hard-fought day. I +saw no one of higher rank that day than my colonel and a couple of +orderly officers riding by in the smoke--no one on our side, that +is. A poor corporal (as I then had the, disgrace of being) is not +generally invited into the company of commanders and the great; but, +in revenge, I saw, I promise you, some very good company on the +FRENCH part, for their regiments of Lorraine and Royal Cravate were +charging us all day; and in THAT sort of MELEE high and low are +pretty equally received. I hate bragging, but I cannot help saying +that I made a very close acquaintance with the colonel of the +Cravates; for I drove my bayonet into his body, and finished off a +poor little ensign, so young, slender, and small, that a blow from +my pigtail would have despatched him, I think, in place of the butt +of my musket, with which I clubbed him down. I killed, besides, four +more officers and men, and in the poor ensign's pocket found a purse +of fourteen louis-d'or, and a silver box of sugar-plums; of which +the former present was very agreeable to me. If people would tell +their stories of battles in this simple way, I think the cause of +truth would not suffer by it. All I know of this famous fight of +Minden (except from books) is told here above. The ensign's silver +bon-bon box and his purse of gold; the livid face of the poor fellow +as he fell; the huzzas of the men of my company as I went out under +a smart fire and rifled him; their shouts and curses as we came hand +in hand with the Frenchmen,--these are, in truth, not very dignified +recollections, and had best be passed over briefly. When my kind +friend Fagan was shot, a brother captain, and his very good friend, +turned to Lieutenant Rawson and said, 'Fagan's down; Rawson, there's +your company.' It was all the epitaph my brave patron got. 'I should +have left you a hundred guineas, Redmond,' were his last words to +me, 'but for a cursed run of ill luck last night at faro.' And he +gave me a faint squeeze of the hand; then, as the word was given to +advance, I left him. When we came back to our old ground, which we +presently did, he was lying there still; but he was dead. Some of +our people had already torn off his epaulets, and, no doubt, had +rifled his purse. Such knaves and ruffians do men in war become! It +is well for gentlemen to talk of the age of chivalry; but remember +the starving brutes whom they lead--men nursed in poverty, entirely +ignorant, made to take a pride in deeds of blood--men who can have +no amusement but in drunkenness, debauch, and plunder. It is with +these shocking instruments that your great warriors and kings have +been doing their murderous work in the world; and while, for +instance, we are at the present moment admiring the 'Great +Frederick,' as we call him, and his philosophy, and his liberality, +and his military genius, I, who have served him, and been, as it +were, behind the scenes of which that great spectacle is composed, +can only look at it with horror. What a number of items of human +crime, misery, slavery, go to form that sum-total of glory! I can +recollect a certain day about three weeks after the battle of +Minden, and a farmhouse in which some of us entered; and how the old +woman and her daughters served us, trembling, to wine; and how we +got drunk over the wine, and the house was in a flame, presently; +and woe betide the wretched fellow afterwards who came home to look +for his house and his children! + +CHAPTER V + +BARRY FAR FROM MILITARY GLORY + +After the death of my protector, Captain Fagan, I am forced to +confess that I fell into the very worst of courses and company. +Being a rough soldier of fortune himself, he had never been a +favourite with the officers of his regiment; who had a contempt for +Irishmen, as Englishmen sometimes will have, and used to mock his +brogue, and his blunt uncouth manners. I had been insolent to one or +two of them, and had only been screened from punishment by his +intercession; especially his successor, Mr. Rawson, had no liking +for me, and put another man into the sergeant's place vacant in his +company after the battle of Minden. This act of injustice rendered +my service very disagreeable to me; and, instead of seeking to +conquer the dislike of my superiors, and win their goodwill by good +behaviour, I only sought for means to make my situation easier to +me, and grasped at all the amusements in my power. In a foreign +country, with the enemy before us, and the people continually under +contribution from one side or the other, numberless irregularities +were permitted to the troops which would not have been allowed in +more peaceable times. I descended gradually to mix with the +sergeants, and to share their amusements: drinking and gambling +were, I am sorry to say, our principal pastimes; and I fell so +readily into their ways, that though only a young lad of seventeen, +I was the master of them all in daring wickedness; though there were +some among them who, I promise you, were far advanced in the science +of every kind of profligacy. I should have been under the provost- +marshal's hands, for a dead certainty, had I continued much longer +in the army: but an accident occurred which took me out of the +English service in rather a singular manner. + +The year in which George II died, our regiment had the honour to be +present at the battle of Warburg (where the Marquis of Granby and +his horse fully retrieved the discredit which had fallen upon the +cavalry since Lord George Sackville's defalcation at Minden), and +where Prince Ferdinand once more completely defeated the Frenchmen. +During the action, my lieutenant, Mr. Fakenham, of Fakenham, the +gentleman who had threatened me, it may be remembered, with the +caning, was struck by a musket-ball in the side. He had shown no +want of courage in this or any other occasion where he had been +called upon to act against the French; but this was his first wound, +and the young gentleman was exceedingly frightened by it. He offered +five guineas to be carried into the town, which was hard by; and I +and another man, taking him up in a cloak, managed to transport him +into a place of decent appearance, where we put him to bed, and +where a young surgeon (who desired nothing better than to take +himself out of the fire of the musketry) went presently to dress his +wound. + +In order to get into the house, we had been obliged, it must be +confessed, to fire into the locks with our pieces; which summons +brought an inhabitant of the house to the door, a very pretty and +black-eyed young woman, who lived there with her old half-blind +father, a retired Jagdmeister of the Duke of Cassel, hard by. When +the French were in the town, Meinherr's house had suffered like +those of his neighbours; and he was at first exceedingly unwilling +to accommodate his guests. But the first knocking at the door had +the effect of bringing a speedy answer; and Mr. Fakenham, taking a +couple of guineas out of a very full purse, speedily convinced the +people that they had only to deal with a person of honour. + +Leaving the doctor (who was very glad to stop) with his patient, who +paid me the stipulated reward, I was returning to my regiment with +my other comrade--after having paid, in my German jargon, some +deserved compliments to the black-eyed beauty of Warburg, and +thinking, with no small envy, how comfortable it would be to be +billeted there--when the private who was with me cut short my +reveries by suggesting that we should divide the five guineas the +lieutenant had given me. + +'There is your share,' said I, giving the fellow one piece; which +was plenty, as I was the leader of the expedition. But he swore a +dreadful oath that he would have half; and when I told him to go to +a quarter which I shall not name, the fellow, lifting his musket, +hit me a blow with the butt-end of it, which sent me lifeless to the +ground: when I awoke from my> trance, I found myself bleeding with a +large wound in the head, and had barely time to stagger back to the +house where I had left the lieutenant, when I again fell fainting at +the door. + +Here I must have been discovered by the surgeon on his issuing out; +for when I awoke a second time I found myself in the ground-floor of +the house, supported by the black-eyed girl, while the surgeon was +copiously bleeding me at the arm. There was another bed in the room +where the lieutenant had been laid,--it was that occupied by Gretel, +the servant; while Lischen, as my fair one was called, had, till +now, slept in the couch where the wounded officer lay. + +'Who are you putting into that bed?' said he languidly, in German; +for the ball had been extracted from his side with much pain and +loss of blood. + +They told him it was the corporal who had brought him. + +'A corporal?' said he, in English; 'turn him out.' And you may be +sure I felt highly complimented by the words. But we were both too +faint to compliment or to abuse each other much, and I was put to +bed carefully; and, on being undressed, had an opportunity to find +that my pockets had been rifled by the English soldier after he had +knocked me down. However, I was in good quarters: the young lady who +sheltered me presently brought me a refreshing drink; and, as I took +it, I could not help pressing the kind hand that gave it me; nor, in +truth, did this token of my gratitude seem unwelcome. + +This intimacy did not decrease with further acquaintance. I found +Lischen the tenderest of nurses. Whenever any delicacy was to be +provided for the wounded lieutenant, a share was always sent to the +bed opposite his, and to the avaricious man's no small annoyance. +His illness was long. On the second day the fever declared itself; +for some nights he was delirious; and I remember it was when a +commanding officer was inspecting our quarters, with an intention, +very likely, of billeting himself on the house, that the howling and +mad words of the patient overhead struck him, and he retired rather +frightened. I had been sitting up very comfortably in the lower +apartment, for my hurt was quite subsided; and it was only when the +officer asked me, with a rough voice, why I was not at my regiment, +that I began to reflect how pleasant my quarters were to me, and +that I was much better here than crawling under an odious tent with +a parcel of tipsy soldiers, or going the night-rounds or rising long +before daybreak for drill. + +The delirium of Mr. Fakenham gave me a hint, and I determined +forthwith to GO MAD. There was a poor fellow about Brady's Town +called 'Wandering Billy,' whose insane pranks I had often mimicked +as a lad, and I again put them in practice. That night I made an +attempt upon Lischen, saluting her with a yell and a grin which +frightened her almost out of her wits; and when anybody came I was +raving. The blow on the head had disordered my brain; the doctor was +ready to vouch for this fact. One night I whispered to him that I +was Julius Caesar, and considered him to be my affianced wife Queen +Cleopatra, which convinced him of my insanity. Indeed, if Her +Majesty had been like my Aesculapius, she must have had a carroty +beard, such as is rare in Egypt. + +A movement on the part of the French speedily caused an advance on +our part. The town was evacuated, except by a few Prussian troops, +whose surgeons were to visit the wounded in the place; and, when we +were well, we were to be drafted to our regiments. I determined that +I never would join mine again. My intention was to make for Holland, +almost the only neutral country of Europe in those times, and thence +to get a passage somehow to England, and home to dear old Brady's +Town. + +If Mr. Fakenham is now alive, I here tender him my apologies for my +conduct to him. He was very rich; he used me very ill. I managed to +frighten away his servant who came to attend him after the affair of +Warburg, and from that time would sometimes condescend to wait upon +the patient, who always treated me with scorn; but it was my object +to have him alone, and I bore his brutality with the utmost civility +and mildness, meditating in my own mind a very pretty return for all +his favours to me. Nor was I the only person in the house to whom +the worthy gentleman was uncivil. He ordered the fair Lischen hither +and thither, made impertinent love to her, abused her soups, +quarrelled with her omelettes, and grudged the money which was laid +out for his maintenance; so that our hostess detested him as much +as, I think, without vanity, she regarded me. + +For, if the truth must be told, I had made very deep love to her +during my stay under her roof; as is always my way with women, of +whatever age or degree of beauty. To a man who has to make his way +in the world, these dear girls can always be useful in one fashion +or another; never mind, if they repel your passion; at any rate, +they are not offended with your declaration of it, and only look +upon you with more favourable eyes in consequence of your +misfortune. As for Lischen, I told her such a pathetic story of my +life (a tale a great deal more romantic than that here narrated,-- +for I did not restrict myself to the exact truth in that history, as +in these pages I am bound to do), that I won the poor girl's heart +entirely, and, besides, made considerable progress in the German +language under her instruction. Do not think me very cruel and +heartless, ladies; this heart of Lischen's was like many a town in +the neighbourhood in which she dwelt, and had been stormed and +occupied several times before I came to invest it; now mounting +French colours, now green and yellow Saxon, now black and white +Prussian, as the case may be. A lady who sets her heart upon a lad +in uniform must prepare to change lovers pretty quickly, or her life +will be but a sad one. + +The German surgeon who attended us after the departure of the +English only condescended to pay our house a visit twice during my +residence; and I took care, for a reason I had, to receive him in a +darkened room, much to the annoyance of Mr. Fakenham, who lay there: +but I said the light affected my eyes dreadfully since my blow on +the head; and so I covered up my head with clothes when the doctor +came, and told him that I was an Egyptian mummy, or talked to him +some insane nonsense, in order to keep up my character. + +'What is that nonsense you were talking about an Egyptian mummy, +fellow?' asked Mr. Fakenham peevishly. + +'Oh! you'll know soon, sir,' said I. + +The next time that I expected the doctor to come, instead of +receiving him in a darkened room, with handkerchiefs muffled, I took +care to be in the lower room, and was having a game at cards with +Lischen as the surgeon entered. I had taken possession of a +dressing-jacket of the lieutenant's, and some other articles of his +wardrobe, which fitted me pretty well; and, I flatter myself, was no +ungentlemanlike figure. + +'Good-morrow, Corporal,' said the doctor, rather gruffly, in reply +to my smiling salute. + +'Corporal! Lieutenant, if you please,' answered I, giving an arch +look at Lischen, whom I had instructed in my plot. + +'How lieutenant?' asked the surgeon. 'I thought the lieutenant was'-- + +'Upon my word, you do me great honour,' cried I, laughing; 'you +mistook me for the mad corporal upstairs. The fellow has once or +twice pretended to be an officer, but my kind hostess here can +answer which is which.' + +'Yesterday he fancied he was Prince Ferdinand,' said Lischen; 'the +day you came he said he was an Egyptian mummy.' + +'So he did,' said the doctor; 'I remember; but, ha! ha! do you know, +Lieutenant, I have in my notes made a mistake in you two?' + +'Don't talk to me about his malady; he is calm now.' + +Lischen and I laughed at this error as at the most ridiculous thing +in the world; and when the surgeon went up to examine his patient, I +cautioned him not to talk to him about the subject of his malady, +for he was in a very excited state. + +The reader will be able to gather from the above conversation what +my design really was. I was determined to escape, and to escape +under the character of Lieutenant Fakenham; taking it from him to +his face, as it were, and making use of it to meet my imperious +necessity. It was forgery and robbery, if you like; for I took all +his money and clothes,--I don't care to conceal it; but the need was +so urgent, that I would do so again: and I knew I could not effect +my escape without his purse, as well as his name. Hence it became my +duty to take possession of one and the other. + +As the lieutenant lay still in bed upstairs, I did not hesitate at +all about assuming his uniform, especially after taking care to +inform myself from the doctor whether any men of ours who might know +me were in the town. But there were none that I could hear of; and +so I calmly took my walks with Madame Lischen, dressed in the +lieutenant's uniform, made inquiries as to a horse that I wanted to +purchase, reported myself to the commandant of the place as +Lieutenant Fakenham, of Gale's English regiment of foot, +convalescent, and was asked to dine with the officers of the +Prussian regiment at a very sorry mess they had. How Fakenham would +have stormed and raged, had he known the use I was making of his +name! + +Whenever that worthy used to inquire about his clothes, which he did +with many oaths and curses that he would have me caned at the +regiment for inattention, I, with a most respectful air, informed +him that they were put away in perfect safety below; and, in fact, +had them very neatly packed, and ready for the day when I proposed +to depart. His papers and money, however, he kept under his pillow; +and, as I had purchased a horse, it became necessary to pay for it. + +At a certain hour, then, I ordered the animal to be brought round, +when I would pay the dealer for him. (I shall pass over my adieux +with my kind hostess, which were very tearful indeed). And then, +making up my mind to the great action, walked upstairs to Fakenham's +room attired in his full regimentals, and with his hat cocked over +my left eye. + +'You gWeat scoundWel!' said he, with a multiplicity of oaths; 'you +mutinous dog! what do you mean by dWessing yourself in my +Wegimentals? As sure as my name's Fakenham, when we get back to the +Wegiment, I'll have your soul cut out of your body.' + +'I'm promoted, Lieutenant,' said I, with a sneer. 'I'm come to take +my leave of you;' and then going up to his bed, I said, 'I intend to +have your papers and purse.' With this I put my hand under his +pillow; at which he gave a scream that might have called the whole +garrison about my ears. 'Hark ye, sir!' said I, 'no more noise, or +you are a dead man!' and taking a handkerchief, I bound it tight +around his mouth so as well-nigh to throttle him, and, pulling +forward the sleeves of his shirt, tied them in a knot together, and +so left him; removing the papers and the purse, you may be sure, and +wishing him politely a good day. + +'It is the mad corporal,' said I to the people down below who were +attracted by the noise from the sick man's chamber; and so taking +leave of the old blind Jagdmeister, and an adieu (I will not say how +tender) of his daughter, I mounted my newly purchased animal; and, +as I pranced away, and the sentinels presented arms to me at the +town-gates, felt once more that I was in my proper sphere, and +determined never again to fall from the rank of a gentleman. + +I took at first the way towards Bremen, where our army was, and gave +out that I was bringing reports and letters from the Prussian +commandant of Warburg to headquarters; but, as soon as I got out of +sight of the advanced sentinels, I turned bridle and rode into the +Hesse-Cassel territory, which is luckily not very far from Warburg: +and I promise you I was very glad to see the blue-and-red stripes on +the barriers, which showed me that I was out of the land occupied by +our countrymen. I rode to Hof, and the next day to Cassel, giving +out that I was the bearer of despatches to Prince Henry, then on the +Lower Rhine, and put up at the best hotel of the place, where the +field-officers of the garrison had their ordinary. These gentlemen I +treated to the best wines that the house afforded, for I was +determined to keep up the character of the English gentleman, and I +talked to them about my English estates with a fluency that almost +made me believe in the stories which I invented. I was even asked to +an assembly at Wilhelmshohe, the Elector's palace, and danced a +minuet there with the Hofmarshal's lovely daughter, and lost a few +pieces to his excellency the first huntmaster of his Highness. + +At our table at the inn there was a Prussian officer who treated me +with great civility, and asked me a thousand questions about +England; which I answered as best I might. But this best, I am bound +to say, was bad enough. I knew nothing about England, and the Court, +and the noble families there; but, led away by the vaingloriousness +of youth (and a propensity which I possessed in my early days, but +of which I have long since corrected myself, to boast and talk in a +manner not altogether consonant with truth), I invented a thousand +stories which I told him; described the King and the Ministers to +him, said the British Ambassador at Berlin was my uncle, and +promised my acquaintance a letter of recommendation to him. When the +officer asked me my uncle's name, I was not able to give him the +real name, and so said his name was O'Grady: it is as good a name as +any other, and those of Kilballyowen, county Cork, are as good a +family as any in the world, as I have heard. As for stories about my +regiment, of these, of course, I had no lack. I wish my other +histories had been equally authentic. + +On the morning I left Cassel, my Prussian friend came to me with an +open smiling countenance, and said he, too, was bound for +Dusseldorf, whither I said my route lay; and so laying our horses' +heads together we jogged on. The country was desolate beyond +description. The prince in whose dominions we were was known to be +the most ruthless seller of men in Germany. He would sell to any +bidder, and during the five years which the war (afterwards called +the Seven Years' War) had now lasted, had so exhausted the males of +his principality, that the fields remained untilled: even the +children of twelve years old were driven off to the war, and I saw +herds of these wretches marching forwards, attended by a few +troopers, now under the guidance of a red-coated Hanovarian +sergeant, now with a Prussian sub-officer accompanying them; with +some of whom my companion exchanged signs of recognition. + +'It hurts my feelings,' said he, 'to be obliged to commune with such +wretches; but the stern necessities of war demand men continually, +and hence these recruiters whom you see market in human flesh. They +get five-and-twenty dollars from our Government for every man they +bring in. For fine men--for men like you,' he added, laughing, 'we +would go as high as a hundred. In the old King's time we would have +given a thousand for you, when he had his giant regiment that our +present monarch disbanded.' + +'I knew one of them,' said I, 'who served with you: we used to call +him Morgan Prussia.' + +'Indeed; and who was this Morgan Prussia?' + +'Why, a huge grenadier of ours, who was somehow snapped up in +Hanover by some of your recruiters.' + +'The rascals!' said my friend: 'and did they dare take an +Englishman?' + +''Faith this was an Irishman, and a great deal too sharp for them; +as you shall hear. Morgan was taken, then, and drafted into the +giant guard, and was the biggest man almost among all the giants +there. Many of these monsters used to complain of their life, and +their caning, and their long drills, and their small pay; but Morgan +was not one of the grumblers. "It's a deal better," said he, "to get +fat here in Berlin, than to starve in rags in Tipperary!"' + +'Where is Tipperary?' asked my companion. + +'That is exactly what Morgan's friends asked him. It is a beautiful +district in Ireland, the capital of which is the magnificent city of +Clonmel: a city, let me tell you, sir, only inferior to Dublin and +London, and far more sumptuous than any on the Continent. Well, +Morgan said that his birthplace was near that city, and the only +thing which caused him unhappiness, in his present situation, was +the thought that his brothers were still starving at home, when they +might be so much better off in His Majesty's service. + +'"'Faith," says Morgan to the sergeant, to whom he imparted the +information, "it's my brother Bin that would make the fine sergeant +of the guards, entirely!" + +'"Is Ben as tall as you are?" asked the sergeant. + +'"As tall as ME, is it? Why, man, I'm the shortest of my family! +There's six more of us, but Bin's the biggest of all. Oh! out and +out the biggest. Seven feet in his stockin-FUT, as sure as my name's +Morgan!" + +'"Can't we send and fetch them over, these brothers of yours?" + +'"Not you. Ever since I was seduced by one of you gentlemen of the +cane, they've a mortal aversion to all sergeants," answered Morgan: +"but it's a pity they cannot come, too. What a monster Bin would be +in a grenadier's cap!" + +'He said nothing more at the time regarding his brothers, but only +sighed as if lamenting their hard fate. However, the story was told +by the sergeant to the officers, and by the officers to the King +himself; and His Majesty was so inflamed by curiosity, that he +actually consented to let Morgan go home in order to bring back with +him his seven enormous brothers.' + +'And were they as big as Morgan pretended?' asked my comrade. I +could not help laughing at his simplicity. + +'Do you suppose,' cried I, 'that Morgan ever came back? No, no; once +free, he was too wise for that. He has bought a snug farm in +Tipperary with the money that was given him to secure his brothers; +and I fancy few men of the guards ever profited so much by it.' + +The Prussian captain laughed exceedingly at this story, said that +the English were the cleverest nation in the world, and, on my +setting him right, agreed that the Irish were even more so. We rode +on very well pleased with each other; for he had a thousand stories +of the war to tell, of the skill and gallantry of Frederick, and the +thousand escapes, and victories, and defeats scarcely less glorious +than victories, through which the King had passed. Now that I was a +gentleman, I could listen with admiration to these tales: and yet +the sentiment recorded at the end of the last chapter was uppermost +in my mind but three weeks back, when I remembered that it was the +great general got the glory, and the poor soldier only insult and +the cane. + +'By the way, to whom are you taking despatches?' asked the officer. + +It was another ugly question, which I determined to answer at hap- +hazard; and so I said 'To General Rolls.' I had seen the general a +year before, and gave the first name in my head. My friend was quite +satisfied with it, and we continued our ride until evening came on; +and our horses being weary, it was agreed that we should come to a +halt. + +'There is a very good inn,' said the Captain, as we rode up to what +appeared to me a very lonely-looking place. + +'This may be a very good inn for Germany,' said I, 'but it would not +pass in old Ireland. Corbach is only a league off: let us push on +for Corbach.' + +'Do you want to see the loveliest woman in Europe?' said the +officer. 'Ah! you sly rogue, I see THAT will influence you;' and, +truth to say, such a proposal WAS always welcome to me, as I don't +care to own. 'The people are great farmers,' said the Captain, 'as +well as innkeepers;' and, indeed, the place seemed more a farm than +an inn yard. We entered by a great gate into a Court walled round, +and at one end of which was the building, a dingy ruinous place. A +couple of covered waggens were in the court, their horses were +littered under a shed hard by, and lounging about the place were +some men and a pair of sergeants in the Prussian uniform, who both +touched their hats to my friend the Captain. This customary +formality struck me as nothing extraordinary, but the aspect of the +inn had something exceedingly chilling and forbidding in it, and I +observed the men shut to the great yard-gates as soon as we were +entered. Parties of French horsemen, the Captain said, were about +the country, and one could not take too many precautions against +such villains. + +We went into supper, after the two sergeants had taken charge of our +horses; the Captain, also, ordering one of them to take my valise to +my bedroom. I promised the worthy fellow a glass of schnapps for his +pains. + +A dish of fried eggs-and-bacon was ordered from a hideous old wench +that came to serve us, in place of the lovely creature I had +expected to see; and the Captain, laughing, said, 'Well, our meal is +a frugal one, but a soldier has many a time a worse:' and, taking +off his hat, sword-belt, and gloves, with great ceremony, he sat +down to eat. I would not be behindhand with him in politeness, and +put my weapon securely on the old chest of drawers where his was +laid. + +The hideous old woman before mentioned brought us in a pot of very +sour wine, at which and at her ugliness I felt a considerable ill- +humour. + +'Where's the beauty you promised me?' said I, as soon as the old hag +had left the room. + +'Bah!' said he, laughing, and looking hard at me: 'it was my joke. I +was tired, and did not care to go farther. There's no prettier woman +here than that. If she won't suit your fancy, my friend, you must +wait a while.' + +This increased my ill-humour. + +'Upon my word, sir,' said I sternly, 'I think you have acted very +coolly!' + +'I have acted as I think fit!' replied the captain. + +'Sir,' said I, 'I'm a British officer!' + +'It's a lie!' roared the other, 'you're a DESERTER! You're an +impostor, sir; I have known you for such these three hours. I +suspected you yesterday. My men heard of a man escaping from +Warburg, and I thought you were the man. Your lies and folly have +confirmed me. You pretend to carry despatches to a general who has +been dead these ten months: you have an uncle who is an ambassador, +and whose name forsooth you don't know. Will you join and take the +bounty, sir; or will you be given up?' + +'Neither!' said I, springing at him like a tiger. But, agile as I +was, he was equally on his guard. He took two pistols out of his +pocket, fired one off, and said, from the other end of the table +where he stood dodging me, as it were,-- + +'Advance a step, and I send this bullet into your brains!' In +another minute the door was flung open, and the two sergeants +entered, armed with musket and bayonet to aid their comrade. + +The game was up. I flung down a knife with which I had armed myself; +for the old hag on bringing in the wine had removed my sword. + +'I volunteer,' said I. + +'That's my good fellow. What name shall I put on my list?' + +'Write Redmond Barry of Bally Barry,' said I haughtily; 'a +descendant of the Irish kings!' + +'I was once with the Irish brigade, Roche's,' said the recruiter, +sneering, 'trying if I could get any likely fellows among the few +countrymen of yours that are in the brigade, and there was scarcely +one of them that was not descended from the kings of Ireland.' + +'Sir,' said I, 'king or not, I am a gentleman, as you can see.' + +'Oh! you will find plenty more in our corps,' answered the Captain, +still in the sneering mood. 'Give up your papers, Mr. Gentleman, and +let us see who you really are.' + +As my pocket-book contained some bank-notes as well as papers of Mr. +Fakenham's, I was not willing to give up my property; suspecting +very rightly that it was but a scheme on the part of the Captain to +get and keep it. + +'It can matter very little to you,' said I, 'what my private papers +are: I am enlisted under the name of Redmond Barry.' + +'Give it up, sirrah!' said the Captain, seizing his cane. + +'I will not give it up!' answered I. + +'HOUND! do you mutiny?' screamed he, and, at the same time, gave me +a lash across the face with the cane, which had the anticipated +effect of producing a struggle. I dashed forward to grapple with +him, the two sergeants flung themselves on me, I was thrown to the +ground and stunned again; being hit on my former wound in the head. +It was bleeding severely when I came to myself, my laced coat was +already torn off my back, my purse and papers gone, and my hands +tied behind my back. + +The great and illustrious Frederick had scores of these white slave- +dealers all round the frontiers of his kingdom, debauching troops or +kidnapping peasants, and hesitating at no crime to supply those +brilliant regiments of his with food for powder; and I cannot help +telling here, with some satisfaction, the fate which ultimately +befell the atrocious scoundrel who, violating all the rights of +friendship and good-fellowship, had just succeeded in entrapping me. +This individual was a person of high family and known talents and +courage, but who had a propensity to gambling and extravagance, and +found his calling as a recruit-decoy far more profitable to him than +his pay of second captain in the line. The sovereign, too, probably +found his services more useful in the former capacity. His name was +Monsieur de Galgenstein, and he was one of the most successful of +the practisers of his rascally trade. He spoke all languages, and +knew all countries, and hence had no difficulty in finding out the +simple braggadocio of a young lad like me. + +About 1765, however, he came to his justly merited end. He was at +this time living at Kehl, opposite Strasburg, and used to take his +walk upon the bridge there, and get into conversation with the +French advanced sentinels; to whom he was in the habit of promising +'mountains and marvels,' as the French say, if they would take +service in Prussia. One day there was on the bridge a superb +grenadier, whom Galgenstein accosted, and to whom he promised a +company, at least, if he would enlist under Frederick. + +'Ask my comrade yonder,' said the grenadier; 'I can do nothing +without him. We were born and bred together, we are of the same +company, sleep in the same room, and always go in pairs. If he will +go and you will give him a captaincy, I will go too.' + +'Bring your comrade over to Kehl,' said Galgenstein, delighted. 'I +will give you the best of dinners, and can promise to satisfy both +of you.' + +'Had you not better speak to him on the bridge?' said the grenadier. +'I dare not leave my post; but you have but to pass, and talk over +the matter.' + +Galgenstein, after a little parley, passed the sentinel; but +presently a panic took him, and he retraced his steps. But the +grenadier brought his bayonet to the Prussian's breast and bade him +stand: that he was his prisoner. + +The Prussian, however, seeing his danger, made a bound across the +bridge and into the Rhine; whither, flinging aside his musket, the +intrepid sentry followed him. The Frenchman was the better swimmer +of the two, seized upon the recruiter, and bore him to the Strasburg +side of the stream, where he gave him up. + +'You deserve to be shot,' said the general to him, 'for abandoning +your post and arms; but you merit reward for an act of courage and +daring. The King prefers to reward you,' and the man received money +and promotion. + +As for Galgenstein, he declared his quality as a nobleman and a +captain in the Prussian service, and applications were made to +Berlin to know if his representations were true. But the King, +though he employed men of this stamp (officers to seduce the +subjects of his allies) could not acknowledge his own shame. Letters +were written back from Berlin to say that such a family existed in +the kingdom, but that the person representing himself to belong to +it must be an impostor, for every officer of the name was at his +regiment and his post. It was Galgenstein's death-warrant, and he +was hanged as a spy in Strasburg. + + 'Turn him into the cart with the rest,' said he, as soon as I awoke +from my trance. + +CHAPTER VI + +THE CRIMP WAGGON--MILITARY EPISODES + +The covered waggon to which I was ordered to march was standing, as +I have said, in the courtyard of the farm, with another dismal +vehicle of the same kind hard by it. Each was pretty well filled +with a crew of men, whom the atrocious crimp who had seized upon me, +had enlisted under the banners of the glorious Frederick; and I +could see by the lanterns of the sentinels, as they thrust me into +the straw, a dozen dark figures huddled together in the horrible +moving prison where I was now to be confined. A scream and a curse +from my opposite neighbour showed me that he was most likely +wounded, as I myself was; and, during the whole of the wretched +night, the moans and sobs of the poor fellows in similar captivity +kept up a continual painful chorus, which effectually prevented my +getting any relief from my ills in sleep. At midnight (as far as I +could judge) the horses were put to the waggons, and the creaking +lumbering machines were put in motion. A couple of soldiers, +strongly armed, sat on the outer bench of the cart, and their grim +faces peered in with their lanterns every now and then through the +canvas curtains, that they might count the number of their +prisoners. The brutes were half-drunk, and were singing love and war +songs, such as 'O Gretchen mein Taubchen, mein Herzenstrompet, Mein +Kanon, mein Heerpauk und meine Musket,' 'Prinz Eugen der edle +Ritter.' and the like; their wild whoops and jodels making doleful +discord with the groans of us captives within the waggons. Many a +time afterwards have I heard these ditties sung on the march, or in +the barrack-room, or round the fires as we lay out at night. + +I was not near so unhappy, in spite of all, as I had been on my +first enlisting in Ireland. At least, thought I, if I am degraded to +be a private soldier there will be no one of my acquaintance who +will witness my shame; and that is the point which I have always +cared for most. There will be no one to say, 'There is young Redmond +Barry, the descendant or the Barrys, the fashionable young blood of +Dublin, pipeclaying his belt and carrying his brown Bess.' Indeed, +but for that opinion of the world, with which it is necessary that +every man of spirit should keep upon equal terms, I, for my part, +would have always been contented with the humblest portion. Now +here, to all intents and purposes, one was as far removed from the +world as in the wilds of Siberia, or in Robinson Crusoe's Island. +And I reasoned with myself thus:--'Now you are caught, there is no +use in repining: make the best of your situation, and get all the +pleasure you can out of it. There are a thousand opportunities of +plunder, &c., offered to the soldier in war-time, out of which he +can get both pleasure and profit: make use of these, and be happy. +Besides, you are extraordinarily brave, handsome, and clever: and +who knows but you may procure advancement in your new service?' + +In this philosophical way I looked at my misfortunes, determining +not to be cast down by them; and bore woes and my broken head with +perfect magnanimity. The latter was, for the moment, an evil against +which it required no small powers of endurance to contend; for the +jolts of the waggon were dreadful, and every shake caused a throb in +my brain which I thought would have split my skull. As the morning +dawned, I saw that the man next me, a gaunt yellow-haired creature, +in black, had a cushion of straw under his head. + +'Are you wounded, comrade?' said I. + +'Praised be the Lord,' said he, 'I am sore hurt in spirit and body, +and bruised in many members; wounded, however, am I not. And you, +poor youth?' + +'I am wounded in the head,' said I, 'and I want your pillow: give it +me--I've a clasp-knife in my pocket!' and with this I gave him a +terrible look, meaning to say (and mean it I did, for look you, A LA +GUERRE C'EST A LA GUERRE, and I am none of your milksops) that, +unless he yielded me the accommodation, I would give him a taste of +my steel. + +'I would give it thee without any threat, friend,' said the yellow- +haired man meekly, and handed me over his little sack of straw. + +He then leaned himself back as comfortably as he could against the +cart, and began repeating, 'Ein' feste Burg ist unser Gott,' by +which I concluded that I had got into the company of a parson. With +the jolts of the waggon, and accidents of the journey, various more +exclamations and movements of the passengers showed what a motley +company we were. Every now and then a countryman would burst into +tears; a French voice would be heard to say, 'O mon Dieu!--mon +Dieu!' a couple more of the same nation were jabbering oaths and +chattering incessantly; and a certain allusion to his own and +everybody else's eyes, which came from a stalwart figure at the far +corner, told me that there was certainly an Englishman in our crew. + +But I was spared soon the tedium and discomforts of the journey. In +spite of the clergyman's cushion, my head, which was throbbing with +pain, was brought abruptly in contact with the side of the waggon; +it began to bleed afresh: I became almost light-headed. I only +recollect having a draught of water here and there; once stopping at +a fortified town, where an officer counted us:--all the rest of the +journey was passed in a drowsy stupor, from which, when I awoke, I +found myself lying in a hospital bed, with a nun in a white hood +watching over me. + +'They are in sad spiritual darkness,' said a voice from the bed next +to me, when the nun had finished her kind offices and retired: 'they +are in the night of error, and yet there is the light of faith in +those poor creatures.' + +It was my comrade of the crimp waggon, his huge broad face looming +out from under a white nightcap, and ensconced in the bed beside. + +'What! you there, Herr Pastor?' said I. + +'Only a candidate, sir,' answered the white nightcap. 'But, praised +be Heaven! you have come to. You have had a wild time of it. You +have been talking in the English language (with which I am +acquainted) of Ireland, and a young lady, and Mick, and of another +young lady, and of a house on fire, and of the British Grenadiers, +concerning whom you sung us parts of a ballad, and of a number of +other matters appertaining, no doubt, to your personal history.' + +'It has been a very strange one,' said I; 'and, perhaps, there is no +man in the world, of my birth, whose misfortunes can at all be +compared to mine.' + +I do not object to own that I am disposed to brag of my birth and +other acquirements; for I have always found that if a man does not +give himself a good word, his friends will not do it for him. + +'Well,' said my fellow-patient, 'I have no doubt yours is a strange +tale, and shall be glad to hear it anon; but at present you must not +be permitted to speak much, for your fever has been long, and your +exhaustion great.' + +'Where are we?' I asked; and the candidate informed me that we were +in the bishopric and town of Fulda, at present occupied by Prince +Henry's troops. There had been a skirmish with an out-party of +French near the town, in which a shot entering the waggon, the poor +candidate had been wounded. + +As the reader knows already my history, I will not take the trouble +to repeat it here, or to give the additions with which I favoured my +comrade in misfortune. But I confess that I told him ours was the +greatest family and finest palace in Ireland, that we were +enormously wealthy, related to all the peerage descended from the +ancient kings, &c.; and, to my surprise, in the course of our +conversation, I found that my interlocutor knew a great deal more +about Ireland than I did. When, for instance, I spoke of my +descent,-- + +'From which race of kings?' said he. + +'Oh!' said I (for my memory for dates was never very accurate), +'from the old ancient kings of all.' + +'What! can you trace your origin to the sons Japhet?' said he. + +''Faith, I can,' answered I, 'and farther too,--Nebuchadnezzar, if +you like.' + +'I see,' said the candidate, smiling, 'that you look upon those +legends with incredulity. These Partholans and Nemedians, of whom +your writers fondly make mention, cannot be authentically vouched +for in history. Nor do I believe that we have any more foundation +for the tales concerning them, than for the legends relative to +Joseph of Arimathea and King Bruce which prevailed two centuries +back in the sister island. + +And then he began a discourse about the Phoenicians, the Scyths or +Goths, the Tuath de Danans, Tacitus, and King MacNeil; which was, to +say the truth, the very first news I had heard of those personages. +As for English, he spoke it as well as I, and had seven more +languages, he said, equally at his command; for, on my quoting the +only Latin line that I knew, that out of the poet Homer, which +says,-- + + 'As in praesenti perfectum fumat in avi,' + +he began to speak to me in the Roman tongue; on which I was fain to +tell him that we pronounced it in a different way in Ireland, and so +got off the conversation. + +My honest friend's history was a curious one, and it may be told +here in order to show of what motley materials our levies were +composed:-- + +'I am,' said he, 'a Saxon by birth, my father being pastor of the +village of Pfannkuchen, where I imbibed the first rudiments of +knowledge. At sixteen (I am now twenty-three), having mastered the +Greek and Latin tongues, with the French, English, Arabic, and +Hebrew; and having come into possession of a legacy of a hundred +rixdalers, a sum amply sufficient to defray my University courses, I +went to the famous academy of Gottingen, where I devoted four years +to the exact sciences and theology. Also, I learned what worldly +accomplishments I could command; taking a dancing-tutor at the +expense of a groschen a lesson, a course of fencing from a French +practitioner, and attending lectures on the great horse and the +equestrian science at the hippodrome of a celebrated cavalry +professor. My opinion is, that a man should know everything as far +as in his power lies: that he should complete his cycle of +experience; and, one science being as necessary as another, it +behoves him. + +'I am not of a saving turn, hence my little fortune of a hundred +rixdalers, which has served to keep many a prudent man for a score +of years, barely sufficed for five years' studies; after which my +studies were interrupted, my pupils fell off, and I was obliged to +devote much time to shoe-binding in order to save money, and, at a +future period, resume my academic course. During this period I +contracted an attachment' (here the candidate sighed a little) 'with +a person, who, though not beautiful, and forty years of age, is yet +likely to sympathise with my existence; and, a month since, my kind +friend and patron, University Prorector Doctor Nasenbrumm, having +informed me that the Pfarrer of Rumpelwitz was dead, asked whether I +would like to have my name placed upon the candidate list, and if I +were minded to preach a trial sermon? As the gaining of this living +would further my union with my Amalia, I joyously consented, and +prepared a discourse. + +'If you like I will recite it to you--No?--Well, I will give you +extracts from it upon our line of march. To proceed, then, with my +biographical sketch, which is now very near a conclusion; or, as I +should more correctly say, which has very nearly brought me to the +present period of time: I preached that sermon at Rumpelwitz, in +which I hope that the Babylonian question was pretty satisfactorily +set at rest. I preached it before the Herr Baron and his noble +family, and some officers of distinction who were staying at his +castle. Mr. Doctor Moser of Halle followed me in the evening +discourse; but, though his exercise was learned, and he disposed of +a passage of Ignatius, which he proved to be a manifest +interpolation, I do not think his sermon had the effect which mine +produced, and that the Rumpelwitzers much relished it. After the +sermon, all the candidates walked out of church together, and supped +lovingly at the "Blue Stag" in Rumpelwitz. + +'While so occupied, a waiter came in and said that a person without +wished to speak to one of the reverend candidates, "the tall one." +This could only mean me, for I was a head and shoulders higher than +any other reverend gentleman present. I issued out to see who was +the person desiring to hold converse with me, and found a man whom I +had no difficulty in recognising as one of the Jewish persuasion. + +'"Sir," said this Hebrew, "I have heard from a friend, who was in +your church to-day, the heads of the admirable discourse you +pronounced there. It has affected me deeply, most deeply. There are +only one or two points on which I am yet in doubt, and if your +honour could but condescend to enlighten me on these, I think--I +think Solomon Hirsch would be a convert to your eloquence." + +'"What are these points, my good friend?" said I; and I pointed out +to him the twenty-four heads of my sermon, asking him in which of +these his doubts lay. + +'We had been walking up and down before the inn while our +conversation took place, but the windows being open, and my comrades +having heard the discourse in the morning, requested me, rather +peevishly, not to resume it at that period. I, therefore, moved on +with my disciple, and, at his request, began at once the sermon; for +my memory is good for anything, and I can repeat any book I have +read thrice. + +'I poured out, then, under the trees, and in the calm moonlight, +that discourse which I had pronounced under the blazing sun of noon. +My Israelite only interrupted me by exclamations indicative of +surprise, assent, admiration, and increasing conviction. +"Prodigious!" said he;--"Wunderschon!" would he remark at the +conclusion of some eloquent passage; in a word, he exhausted the +complimentary interjections of our language: and to compliments what +man is averse? I think we must have walked two miles when I got to +my third head and my companion begged I would enter his house, which +we now neared, and partake of a glass of beer; to which I was never +averse. + +'That house, sir, was the inn at which you, too, if I judge aright, +were taken. No sooner was I in the place, than three crimps rushed +upon me, told me I was a deserter, and their prisoner, and called +upon me to deliver up my money and papers; which I did with a solemn +protest as to my sacred character. They consisted of my sermon in +MS., Prorector Nasenbrumm's recommendatory letter, proving my +identity, and three groschen four pfennigs in bullion. I had already +been in the cart twenty hours when you reached the house. The French +officer, who lay opposite you (he who screamed when you trod on his +foot, for he was wounded), was brought in shortly before your +arrival. He had been taken with his epaulets and regimentals, and +declared his quality and rank; but he was alone (I believe it was +some affair of love with a Hessian lady which caused him to be +unattended); and as the persons into whose hands he fell will make +more profit of him as a recruit than as a prisoner, he is made to +share our fate. He is not the first by many scores so captured. One +of M. de Soubise's cooks, and three actors out of a troop in the +French camp, several deserters from your English troops (the men are +led away by being told that there is no flogging in the Prussian +service), and three Dutchmen were taken besides.' + +'And you,' said I--'you who were just on the point of getting a +valuable living,--you who have so much learning, are you not +indignant at the outrage?' + +'I am a Saxon,' said the candidate, 'and there is no use in +indignation. Our government is crushed under Frederick's heel these +five years, and I might as well hope for mercy from the Grand Mogul. +Nor am I, in truth, discontented with my lot; I have lived on a +penny bread for so many years, that a soldier's rations will be a +luxury to me. I do not care about more or less blows of a cane; all +such evils are passing, and therefore endurable. I will never, God +willing, slay a man in combat; but I am not unanxious to experience +on myself the effect of the war-passion, which has had so great an +influence on the human race. It was for the same reason that I +determined to marry Amalia, for a man is not a complete Mensch until +he is the father of a family; to be which is a condition of his +existence, and therefore a duty of his education. Amalia must wait; +she is out of the reach of want, being, indeed, cook to the Frau +Prorectorinn Nasenbrumm, my worthy patron's lady. I have one or two +books with me, which no one is likely to take from me, and one in my +heart which is the best of all. If it shall please Heaven to finish +my existence here, before I can prosecute my studies further, what +cause have I to repine? I pray God I may not be mistaken, but I +think I have wronged no man, and committed no mortal sin. If I have, +I know where to look for forgiveness; and if I die, as I have said, +without knowing all that I would desire to learn, shall I not be in +a situation to learn EVERYTHING, and what can human soul ask for +more? + +'Pardon me for putting so many _I_'s in my discourse,' said the +candidate, 'but when a man is talking of himself, 'tis the briefest +and simplest way of talking.' + +In which, perhaps, though I hate egotism, I think my friend was +right. Although he acknowledged himself to be a mean-spirited +fellow, with no more ambition than to know the contents of a few +musty books, I think the man had some good in him; especially in the +resolution with which he bore his calamities. Many a gallant man of +the highest honour is often not proof against these, and has been +known to despair over a bad dinner, or to be cast down at a ragged- +elbowed coat. MY maxim is to bear all, to put up with water if you +cannot get Burgundy, and if you have no velvet to be content with +frieze. But Burgundy and velvet are the best, bien entendu, and the +man is a fool who will not seize the best when the scramble is open. + +The heads of the sermon which my friend the theologian intended to +impart to me, were, however, never told; for, after our coming out +of the hospital, he was drafted into a regiment quartered as far as +possible from his native country, in Pomerania; while I was put into +the Bulow regiment, of which the ordinary headquarters were Berlin. +The Prussian regiments seldom change their garrisons as ours do, for +the fear of desertion is so great, that it becomes necessary to know +the face of every individual in the service; and, in time of peace, +men live and die in the same town. This does not add, as may be +imagined, to the amusements of the soldier's life. It is lest any +young gentleman like myself should take a fancy to a military +career, and fancy that of a private soldier a tolerable one, that I +am giving these, I hope, moral descriptions of what we poor fellows +in the ranks really suffered. + +As soon as we recovered, we were dismissed from the nuns and the +hospital to the town prison of Fulda, where we were kept like slaves +and criminals, with artillerymen with lighted matches at the doors +of the courtyards and the huge black dormitory where some hundreds +of us lay; until we were despatched to our different destinations. +It was soon seen by the exercise which were the old soldiers amongst +us, and which the recruits; and for the former, while we lay in +prison, there was a little more leisure: though, if possible, a +still more strict watch kept than over the broken-spirited yokels +who had been forced or coaxed into the service. To describe the +characters here assembled would require Mr. Gilray's own pencil. +There were men of all nations and callings. The Englishmen boxed and +bullied; the Frenchmen played cards, and danced, and fenced; the +heavy Germans smoked their pipes and drank beer, if they could +manage to purchase it. Those who had anything to risk gambled, and +at this sport I was pretty lucky, for, not having a penny when I +entered the depot (having been robbed of every farthing of my +property by the rascally crimps), I won near a dollar in my very +first game at cards with one of the Frenchmen; who did not think of +asking whether I could pay or not upon losing. Such, at least, is +the advantage of having a gentlemanlike appearance; it has saved me +many a time since by procuring me credit when my fortunes were at +their lowest ebb. + +Among the Frenchmen there was a splendid man and soldier, whose real +name we never knew, but whose ultimate history created no small +sensation, when it came to be known in the Prussian army. If beauty +and courage are proofs of nobility, as (although I have seen some of +the ugliest dogs and the greatest cowards in the world in the +noblesse) I have no doubt courage and beauty are, this Frenchman +must have been of the highest families in France, so grand and noble +was his manner, so superb his person. He was not quite so tall as +myself, fair, while I am dark, and, if possible, rather broader in +the shoulders. He was the only man I ever met who could master me +with the small-sword; with which he would pink me four times to my +three. As for the sabre, I could knock him to pieces with it; and I +could leap farther and carry more than he could. This, however, is +mere egotism. This Frenchman, with whom I became pretty intimate-- +for we were the two cocks, as it were, of the depot, and neither had +any feeling of low jealousy--was called, for want of a better name, +Le Blondin, on account of his complexion. He was not a deserter, but +had come in from the Lower Rhine and the bishoprics, as I fancy; +fortune having proved unfavourable to him at play probably, and +other means of existence being denied him. I suspect that the +Bastile was waiting for him in his own country, had he taken a fancy +to return thither. + +He was passionately fond of play and liquor, and thus we had a +considerable sympathy together: when excited by one or the other, he +became frightful. I, for my part, can bear, without wincing, both +ill luck and wine; hence my advantage over him was considerable in +our bouts, and I won enough money from him to make my position +tenable. He had a wife outside (who, I take it, was the cause of his +misfortunes and separation from his family), and she used to be +admitted to see him twice or thrice a week, and never came empty- +handed---a little brown bright-eyed creature, whose ogles had made +the greatest impression upon all the world. + +This man was drafted into a regiment that was quartered at Neiss in +Silesia, which is only at a short distance from the Austrian +frontier; he maintained always the same character for daring and +skill, and was, in the secret republic of the regiment--which always +exists as well as the regular military hierarchy--the acknowledged +leader. He was an admirable soldier, as I have said; but haughty, +dissolute, and a drunkard. A man of this mark, unless he takes care +to coax and flatter his officers (which I always did), is sure to +fall out with them. Le Blondin's captain was his sworn enemy, and +his punishments were frequent and severe. + +His wife and the women of the regiment (this was after the peace) +used to carry on a little commerce of smuggling across the Austrian +frontier, where their dealings were winked at by both parties; and +in obedience to the instructions of her husband, this woman, from +every one of her excursions, would bring in a little powder and +ball: commodities which are not to be procured by the Prussian +soldier, and which were stowed away in secret till wanted. They WERE +to be wanted, and that soon. + +Le Blondin had organised a great and extraordinary conspiracy. We +don't know how far it went, how many hundreds or thousands it +embraced; but strange were the stories told about the plot amongst +us privates: for the news was spread from garrison to garrison, and +talked of by the army, in spite of all the Government efforts to +hush it up--hush it up, indeed! I have been of the people myself; I +have seen the Irish rebellion, and I know what is the free-masonry +of the poor. + +He made himself the head of the plot. There were no writings nor +papers. No single one of the conspirators communicated with any +other than the Frenchman; but personally he gave his orders to them +all. He had arranged matters for a general rising of the garrison, +at twelve o'clock on a certain day: the guard-houses in the town +were to be seized, the sentinels cut down, and--who knows the rest? +Some of our people used to say that the conspiracy was spread +through all Silesia, and that Le Blondin was to be made a general in +the Austrian service. + +At twelve o'clock, and opposite the guard-house by the Bohmer-Thor +of Neiss, some thirty men were lounging about in their undress, and +the Frenchman stood near the sentinel of the guard-house, sharpening +a wood hatchet on a stone. At the stroke of twelve, he got up, split +open the sentinel's head with a blow of his axe, and the thirty men, +rushing into the guard-house, took possession of the arms there, and +marched at once to the gate. The sentry there tried to drop the bar, +but the Frenchman rushed up to him, and, with another blow of the +axe, cut off his right hand, with which he held the chain. Seeing +the men rushing out armed, the guard without the gate drew up across +the road to prevent their passage; but the Frenchman's thirty gave +them a volley, charged them with the bayonet, and brought down +several, and the rest flying, the thirty rushed on. The frontier is +only a league from Neiss, and they made rapidly towards it. + +But the alarm was given in the town, and what saved it was that the +clock by which the Frenchman went was a quarter of an hour faster +than any of the clocks in the town. The generale was beat, the +troops called to arms, and thus the men who were to have attacked +the other guard-houses, were obliged to fall into the ranks, and +their project was defeated. This, however, likewise rendered the +discovery of the conspirators impossible, for no man could betray +his comrade, nor, of course, would he criminate himself. + +Cavalry was sent in pursuit of the Frenchman and his thirty +fugitives, who were, by this time, far on their way to the Bohemian +frontier. When the horse came up with them, they turned, received +them with a volley and the bayonet, and drove them back. The +Austrians were out at the barriers, looking eagerly on at the +conflict. The women, who were on the look-out too, brought more +ammunition to these intrepid deserters, and they engaged and drove +back the dragoons several times. But in these gallant and fruitless +combats much time was lost, and a battalion presently came up, and +surrounded the brave thirty; when the fate of the poor fellows was +decided. They fought with the fury of despair: not one of them asked +for quarter. When their ammunition failed, they fought with the +steel, and were shot down or bayoneted where they stood. The +Frenchman was the very last man who was hit. He received a bullet in +the thigh, and fell, and in this state was overpowered, killing the +officer who first advanced to seize him. + +He and the very few of his comrades who survived were carried back +to Neiss, and immediately, as the ringleader, he was brought before +a council of war. He refused all interrogations which were made as +to his real name and family. 'What matters who I am?' said he; 'you +have me and will shoot me. My name would not save me were it ever so +famous.' In the same way he declined to make a single discovery +regarding the plot. 'It was all my doing,' he said; 'each man +engaged in it only knew me, and is ignorant of every one of his +comrades. The secret is mine alone, and the secret shall die with +me.' When the officers asked him what was the reason which induced +him to meditate a crime so horrible?--'It was your infernal +brutality and tyranny,' he said. 'You are all butchers, ruffians, +tigers, and you owe it to the cowardice of your men that you were +not murdered long ago.' + +At this his captain burst into the most furious exclamations against +the wounded man, and rushing up to him, struck him a blow with his +fist. But Le Blondin, wounded as he was, as quick as thought seized +the bayonet of one of the soldiers who supported him, and plunged it +into the officer's breast. 'Scoundrel and monster,' said he, 'I +shall have the consolation of sending you out of the world before I +die.' He was shot that day. He offered to write to the King, if the +officers would agree to let his letter go sealed into the hands of +the postmaster; but they feared, no doubt, that something might be +said to inculpate themselves, and refused him the permission. At the +next review Frederick treated them, it is said, with great severity, +and rebuked them for not having granted the Frenchman his request. +However, it was the King's interest to conceal the matter, and so it +was, as I have said before, hushed up--so well hushed up, that a +hundred thousand soldiers in the army knew it; and many's the one of +us that has drunk to the Frenchman's memory over our wine, as a +martyr for the cause of the soldier. I shall have, doubtless, some +readers who will cry out at this, that I am encouraging +insubordination and advocating murder. If these men had served as +privates in the Prussian army from 1760 to 1765, they would not be +so apt to take objection. This man destroyed two sentinels to get +his liberty; how many hundreds of thousands of his own and the +Austrian people did King Frederick kill because he took a fancy to +Silesia? It was the accursed tyranny of the system that sharpened +the axe which brained the two sentinels of Neiss: and so let +officers take warning, and think twice ere they visit poor fellows +with the cane. + +I could tell many more stories about the army; but as, from having +been a soldier myself, all my sympathies are in the ranks, no doubt +my tales would be pronounced to be of an immoral tendency, and I had +best, therefore, be brief. Fancy my surprise while in this depot, +when one day a well-known voice saluted my ear, and I heard a meagre +young gentleman, who was brought in by a couple of troopers and +received a few cuts across the shoulders from one of them, say in +the best English, 'You infernal WASCAL, I'll be wevenged for this. +I'll WITE to my ambassador, as sure as my name's Fakenham of +Fakenham.' I burst out laughing at this: it was my old acquaintance +in MY corporal's coat. Lischen had sworn stoutly, that he was really +and truly the private, and the poor fellow had been drafted off, and +was to be made one of us. But I bear no malice, and having made the +whole room roar with the story of the way in which I had tricked the +poor lad, I gave him a piece of advice, which procured him his +liberty. 'Go to the inspecting officer,' said I; 'if they once get +you into Prussia it is all over with you, and they will never give +you up. Go now to the commandant of the depot, promise him a +hundred--five hundred guineas to set you free; say that the crimping +captain has your papers and portfolio' (this was true); 'above all, +show him that you have the means of paying him the promised money, +and I will warrant you are set free.' He did as I advised, and when +we were put on the march Mr. Fakenham found means to be allowed to +go into hospital, and while in hospital the matter was arranged as I +had recommended. He had nearly, however, missed his freedom by his +own stinginess in bargaining for it, and never showed the least +gratitude towards me his benefactor. + +I am not going to give any romantic narrative of the Seven Years' +War. At the close of it, the Prussian army, so renowned for its +disciplined valour, was officered and under-officered by native +Prussians, it is true; but was composed for the most part of men +hired or stolen, like myself, from almost every nation in Europe. +The deserting to and fro was prodigious. In my regiment (Bulow's) +alone before the war, there had been no less than 600 Frenchmen, and +as they marched out of Berlin for the campaign, one of the fellows +had an old fiddle on which he was flaying a French tune, and his +comrades danced almost, rather than walked, after him, singing, +'Nous allons en France.' Two years after, when they returned to +Berlin, there were only six of these men left; the rest had fled or +were killed in action. The life the private soldier led was a +frightful one to any but men of iron courage and endurance. There +was a corporal to every three men, marching behind them, and +pitilessly using the cane; so much so that it used to be said that +in action there was a front rank of privates and a second rank of +sergeants and corporals to drive them on. Many men would give way to +the most frightful acts of despair under these incessant +persecutions and tortures; and amongst several regiments of the army +a horrible practice had sprung up, which for some time caused the +greatest alarm to the Government. This was a strange frightful +custom of CHILD-MURDER. The men used to say that life was +unbearable, that suicide was a crime; in order to avert which, and +to finish with the intolerable misery of their position, the best +plan was to kill a young child, which was innocent, and therefore +secure of heaven, and then to deliver themselves up as guilty of the +murder. The King himself--the hero, sage, and philosopher, the +prince who had always liberality on his lips and who affected a +horror of capital punishments--was frightened at this dreadful +protest, on the part of the wretches whom he had kidnapped, against +his monstrous tyranny; but his only means of remedying the evil was +strictly to forbid that such criminals should be attended by any +ecclesiastic whatever, and denied all religious consolation. + +The punishment was incessant. Every officer had the liberty to +inflict it, and in peace it was more cruel than in war. For when +peace came the King turned adrift such of his officers as were not +noble; whatever their services might have been. He would call a +captain to the front of his company and say, 'He is not noble, let +him go.' We were afraid of him somehow, and were cowed before him +like wild beasts before their keeper. I have seen the bravest men of +the army cry like children at a cut of the cane; I have seen a +little ensign of fifteen call out a man of fifty from the ranks, a +man who had been in a hundred battles, and he has stood presenting +arms, and sobbing and howling like a baby, while the young wretch +lashed him over the arms and thighs with the stick. In a day of +action this man would dare anything. A button might be awry THEN and +nobody touched him; but when they had made the brute fight, then +they lashed him again into subordination. Almost all of us yielded +to the spell--scarce one could break it. The French officer I have +spoken of as taken along with me, was in my company, and caned like +a dog. I met him at Versailles twenty years afterwards, and he +turned quite pale and sick when I spoke to him of old days. 'For +God's sake,' said he, 'don't talk of that time: I wake up from my +sleep trembling and crying even now.' + +As for me, after a very brief time (in which it must be confessed I +tasted, like my comrades, of the cane) and after I had found +opportunities to show myself to be a brave and dexterous soldier, I +took the means I had adopted in the English army to prevent any +further personal degradation. I wore a bullet around my neck, which +I did not take the pains to conceal, and I gave out that it should +be for the man or officer who caused me to be chastised. And there +was something in my character which made my superiors believe me; +for that bullet had already served me to kill an Austrian colonel, +and I would have given it to a Prussian with as little remorse. For +what cared I for their quarrels, or whether the eagle under which I +marched had one head or two? All I said was, 'No man shall find me +tripping in my duty; but no man shall ever lay a hand upon me.' And +by this maxim I abided as long as I remained in the service. + +I do not intend to make a history of battles in the Prussian any +more than in the English service. I did my duty in them as well as +another, and by the time that my moustache had grown to a decent +length, which it did when I was twenty years of age, there was not a +braver, cleverer, handsomer, and I must own, wickeder soldier in the +Prussian army. I had formed myself to the condition of the proper +fighting beast; on a day of action I was savage and happy; out of +the field I took all the pleasure I could get, and was by no means +delicate as to its quality or the manner of procuring it. The truth +is, however, that there was among our men a much higher tone of +society than among the clumsy louts in the English army, and our +service was generally so strict that we had little time for doing +mischief. I am very dark and swarthy in complexion, and was called +by our fellows the 'Black Englander,' the 'Schwartzer Englander,' or +the English Devil. If any service was to be done, I was sure to be +put upon it. I got frequent gratifications of money, but no +promotion; and it was on the day after I had killed the Austrian +colonel (a great officer of Uhlans, whom I engaged--singly and on +foot) that General Bulow, my colonel, gave me two Frederics-d'or in +front of the regiment, and said, 'I reward thee now; but I fear I +shall have to hang thee one day or other.' I spent the money, and +that I had taken from the colonel's body, every groschen, that night +with some jovial companions; but as long as war lasted was never +without a dollar in my purse. + +CHAPTER VII + +BARRY LEADS A GARRISON LIFE, AND FINDS MANY FRIENDS THERE + +After the war our regiment was garrisoned in the capital, the least +dull, perhaps, of all the towns of Prussia: but that does not say +much for its gaiety. Our service, which was always severe, still +left many hours of the day disengaged, in which we might take our +pleasure had we the means of paying for the same. Many of our mess +got leave to work in trades; but I had been brought up to none: and +besides, my honour forbade me; for as a gentleman, I could not soil +my fingers by a manual occupation. But our pay was barely enough to +keep us from starving; and as I have always been fond of pleasure, +and as the position in which we now were, in the midst of the +capital, prevented us from resorting to those means of levying +contributions which are always pretty feasible in wartime, I was +obliged to adopt the only means left me of providing for my +expenses: and in a word became the ORDONNANZ, or confidential +military gentleman, of my captain. I spurned the office four years +previously, when it was made to me in the English service; but the +position is very different in a foreign country; besides, to tell +the truth, after five years in the ranks, a man's pride will submit +to many rebuffs which would be intolerable to him in an independent +condition. + +The captain was a young man and had distinguished himself during the +war, or he would never have been advanced to rank so early. He was, +moreover, the nephew and heir of the Minister of Police, Monsieur de +Potzdorff, a relationship which no doubt aided in the young +gentleman's promotion. Captain de Potzdorff was a severe officer +enough on parade or in barracks, but he was a person easily led by +flattery. I won his heart in the first place by my manner of tying +my hair in queue (indeed, it was more neatly dressed than that of +any man in the regiment), and subsequently gained his confidence by +a thousand little arts and compliments, which as a gentleman myself +I knew how to employ. He was a man of pleasure, which he pursued +more openly than most men in the stern Court of the King; he was +generous and careless with his purse, and he had a great affection +for Rhine wine: in all which qualities I sincerely sympathised with +him; and from which I, of course, had my profit. He was disliked in +the regiment, because he was supposed to have too intimate relations +with his uncle the Police Minister; to whom, it was hinted, he +carried the news of the corps. + +Before long I had ingratiated myself considerably with my officer, +and knew most of his affairs. Thus I was relieved from many drills +and parades, which would otherwise have fallen to my lot, and came +in for a number of perquisites; which enabled me to support a +genteel figure and to appear with some ECLAT in a certain, though it +must be confessed very humble, society in Berlin. Among the ladies I +was always an especial favourite, and so polished was my behaviour +amongst them, that they could not understand how I should have +obtained my frightful nickname of the Black Devil in the regiment. +'He is not so black as he is painted,' I laughingly would say; and +most of the ladies agreed that the private was quite as well-bred as +the captain: as indeed how should it be otherwise, considering my +education and birth? + +When I was sufficiently ingratiated with him, I asked leave to +address a letter to my poor mother in Ireland, to whom I had not +given any news of myself for many many years; for the letters of the +foreign soldiers were never admitted to the post, for fear of +appeals or disturbances on the part of their parents abroad. My +captain agreed to find means to forward the letter, and as I knew +that he would open it, I took care to give it him unsealed; thus +showing my confidence in him. But the letter was, as you may +imagine, written so that the writer should come to no harm were it +intercepted. I begged my honoured mother's forgiveness for having +fled from her; I said that my extravagance and folly in my own +country I knew rendered my return thither impossible; but that she +would, at least, be glad to know that I was well and happy in the +service of the greatest monarch in the world, and that the soldier's +life was most agreeable to me: and, I added, that I had found a kind +protector and patron, who I hoped would some day provide for me as I +knew it was out of her power to do. I offered remembrances to all +the girls at Castle Brady, naming them from Biddy to Becky +downwards, and signed myself, as in truth I was, her affectionate +son, Redmond Barry, in Captain Potzdorffs company of the Bulowisch +regiment of foot in garrison at Berlin. Also I told her a pleasant +story about the King kicking the Chancellor and three judges +downstairs, as he had done one day when I was on guard at Potsdam, +and said I hoped for another war soon, when I might rise to be an +officer. In fact, you might have imagined my letter to be that of +the happiest fellow in the world, and I was not on this head at all +sorry to mislead my kind parent. + +I was sure my letter was read, for Captain Potzdorff began asking me +some days afterwards about my family, and I told him the +circumstances pretty truly, all things considered. I was a cadet of +a good family, but my mother was almost ruined and had barely enough +to support her eight daughters, whom I named. I had been to study +for the law at Dublin, where I had got into debt and bad company, +had killed a man in a duel, and would be hanged or imprisoned by his +powerful friends, if I returned. I had enlisted in the English +service, where an opportunity for escape presented itself to me such +as I could not resist; and hereupon I told the story of Mr. Fakenham +of Fakenham in such a way as made my patron to be convulsed with +laughter, and he told me afterwards that he had repeated the story +at Madame de Kamake's evening assembly, where all the world was +anxious to have a sight of the young Englander. + +'Was the British Ambassador there?' I asked, in a tone of the +greatest alarm, and added, 'For Heaven's sake, sir, do not tell my +name to him, or he might ask to have me delivered up: and I have no +fancy to go to be hanged in my dear native country.' Potzdorff, +laughing, said he would take care that I should remain where I was, +on which I swore eternal gratitude to him. + +Some days afterwards, and with rather a grave face, he said to me, +'Redmond, I have been talking to our colonel about you, and as I +wondered that a fellow of your courage and talents had not been +advanced during the war, the general said they had had their eye +upon you: that you were a gallant soldier, and had evidently come of +a good stock; that no man in the regiment had had less fault found +with him; but that no man merited promotion less. You were idle, +dissolute, and unprincipled; you had done a deal of harm to the men; +and, for all your talents and bravery, he was sure would come to no +good.' + +'Sir!' said I, quite astonished that any mortal man should have +formed such an opinion of me, 'I hope General Bulow is mistaken +regarding my character. I have fallen into bad company, it is true; +but I have only done as other soldiers have done; and, above all, I +have never had a kind friend and protector before, to whom I might +show that I was worthy of better things. The general may say I am a +ruined lad, and send me to the d---l: but be sure of this, I would go +to the d---l to serve YOU.' This speech I saw pleased my patron very +much; and, as I was very discreet and useful in a thousand delicate +ways to him, he soon came to have a sincere attachment for me. One +day, or rather night, when he was tete-a-tete with the lady of the +Tabaks Rath von Dose for instance, I--But there is no use in telling +affairs which concern nobody now. + +Four months after my letter to my mother, I got, under cover to the +Captain, a reply, which created in my mind a yearning after home, +and a melancholy which I cannot describe. I had not seen the dear +soul's writing for five years. All the old days, and the fresh happy +sunshine of the old green fields in Ireland, and her love, and my +uncle, and Phil Purcell, and everything that I had done and thought, +came back to me as I read the letter; and when I was alone I cried +over it, as I hadn't done since the day when Nora jilted me. I took +care not to show my feelings to the regiment or my captain: but that +night, when I was to have taken tea at the Garden-house outside +Brandenburg Gate, with Fraulein Lottchen (the Tabaks Rathinn's +gentlewoman of company), I somehow had not the courage to go; but +begged to be excused, and went early to bed in barracks, out of +which I went and came now almost as I willed, and passed a long +night weeping and thinking about dear Ireland. + +Next day, my spirits rose again and I got a ten-guinea bill cashed, +which my mother sent in the letter, and gave a handsome treat to +some of my acquaintance. The poor soul's letter was blotted all over +with tears, full of texts, and written in the wildest incoherent +way. She said she was delighted to think I was under a Protestant +prince, though she feared he was not in the right way: that right +way, she said, she had the blessing to find, under the guidance of +the Reverend Joshua Jowls, whom she sat under. She said he was a +precious chosen vessel; a sweet ointment and precious box of +spikenard; and made use of a great number more phrases that I could +not understand; but one thing was clear in the midst of all this +jargon, that the good soul loved her son still, and thought and +prayed day and night for her wild Redmond. Has it not come across +many a poor fellow, in a solitary night's watch, or in sorrow, +sickness, or captivity, that at that very minute, most likely, his +mother is praying for him? I often have had these thoughts; but they +are none of the gayest, and it's quite as well that they don't come +to you in company; for where would be a set of jolly fellows then?-- +as mute as undertakers at a funeral, I promise you. I drank my +mother's health that night in a bumper, and lived like a gentleman +whilst the money lasted. She pinched herself to give it me, as she +told me afterwards; and Mr. Jowls was very wroth with her. Although +the good soul's money was very quickly spent, I was not long in +getting more; for I had a hundred ways of getting it, and became a +universal favourite with the Captain and his friends. Now, it was +Madame von Dose who gave me a Frederic-d'or for bringing her a +bouquet or a letter from the Captain; now it was, on the contrary, +the old Privy Councillor who treated me with a bottle of Rhenish, +and slipped into my hand a dollar or two, in order that I might give +him some information regarding the liaison between my captain and +his lady. But though I was not such a fool as not to take his money, +you may be sure I was not dishonourable enough to betray my +benefactor; and he got very little out of ME. When the Captain and +the lady fell out, and he began to pay his addresses to the rich +daughter of the Dutch Minister, I don't know how many more letters +and guineas the unfortunate Tabaks Rathinn handed over to me, that I +might get her lover back again. But such returns are rare in love, +and the Captain used only to laugh at her stale sighs and +entreaties. In the house of Mynheer Van Guldensack I made myself so +pleasant to high and low, that I came to be quite intimate there: +and got the knowledge of a state secret or two, which surprised and +pleased my captain very much. These little hints he carried to his +uncle, the Minister of Police, who, no doubt, made his advantage of +them; and thus I began to be received quite in a confidential light +by the Potzdorff family, and became a mere nominal soldier, being +allowed to appear in plain clothes (which were, I warrant you, of a +neat fashion), and to enjoy myself in a hundred ways, which the poor +fellows my comrades envied. As for the sergeants, they were as civil +to me as to an officer: it was as much as their stripes were worth +to offend a person who had the ear of the Minister's nephew. There +was in my company a young fellow by the name of Kurz, who was six +feet high in spite of his name, and whose life I had saved in some +affair of the war. What does this lad do, after I had recounted to +him one of my adventures, but call me a spy and informer, and beg me +not to call him DU any more, as is the fashion with young men when +they are very intimate. I had nothing for it but to call him out; +but I owed him no grudge. I disarmed him in a twinkling; and as I +sent his sword flying over his head, said to him, 'Kurz, did ever +you know a man guilty of a mean action who can do as I do now?' This +silenced the rest of the grumblers; and no man ever sneered at me +after that. + +No man can suppose that to a person of my fashion the waiting in +antechambers, the conversation of footmen and hangers-on, was +pleasant. But it was not more degrading than the barrack-room, of +which I need not say I was heartily sick. My protestations of liking +for the army were all intended to throw dust into the eyes of my +employer. I sighed to be out of slavery. I knew I was born to make a +figure in the world. Had I been one of the Neiss garrison, I would +have cut my way to freedom by the side of the gallant Frenchman; but +here I had only artifice to enable me to attain my end, and was not +I justified in employing it? My plan was this: I may make myself so +necessary to M. de Potzdorff, that he will obtain my freedom. Once +free, with my fine person and good family, I will do what ten +thousand Irish gentlemen have done before, and will marry a lady of +fortune and condition. And the proof that I was, if not +disinterested, at least actuated by a noble ambition, is this. There +was a fat grocer's widow in Berlin with six hundred thalers of rent, +and a good business, who gave me to understand that she would +purchase my discharge if I would marry her; but I frankly told her +that I was not made to be a grocer, and thus absolutely flung away a +chance of freedom which she offered me. + +And I was grateful to my employers; more grateful than they to me. +The Captain was in debt, and had dealings with the Jews, to whom he +gave notes of hand payable on his uncle's death. The old Herr von +Potzdorff, seeing the confidence his nephew had in me, offered to +bribe me to know what the young man's affairs really were. But what +did I do? I informed Monsieur George von Potzdorff of the fact; and +we made out, in concert, a list of little debts, so moderate, that +they actually appeased the old uncle instead of irritating, and he +paid them, being glad to get off so cheap. + +And a pretty return I got for this fidelity. One morning, the old +gentleman being closeted with his nephew (he used to come to get any +news stirring as to what the young officers of the regiment were +doing: whether this or that gambled; who intrigued, and with whom; +who was at the ridotto on such a night; who was in debt, and what +not; for the King liked to know the business of every officer in his +army), I was sent with a letter to the Marquis d'Argens (that +afterwards married Mademoiselle Cochois the actress), and, meeting +the Marquis at a few paces off in the street, gave my message, and +returned to the Captain's lodging. He and his worthy uncle were +making my unworthy self the subject of conversation. + +'He is noble,' said the Captain. + +'Bah!' replied the uncle (whom I could have throttled for his +insolence). 'All the beggarly Irish who ever enlisted tell the same +story.' + +'He was kidnapped by Galgenstein,' resumed the other. + +'A kidnapped deserter,' said M. Potzdorff; 'la belle affaire!' + +'Well, I promised the lad I would ask for his discharge; and I am +sure you can make him useful.' + +'You HAVE asked his discharge,' answered the elder, laughing. 'Bon +Dieu! You are a model of probity! You'll never succeed to my place, +George, if you are no wiser than you are just now. Make the fellow +as useful to you as you please. He has a good manner and a frank +countenance. He can lie with an assurance that I never saw +surpassed, and fight, you say, on a pinch. The scoundrel does not +want for good qualities; but he is vain, a spendthrift, and a +bavard. As long as you have the regiment in terrorem over him, you +can do as you like with him. Once let him loose, and the lad is +likely to give you the slip. Keep on promising him; promise to make +him a general, if you like. What the deuce do I care? There are +spies enough to be had in this town without him.' + +It was thus that the services I rendered to M. Potzdorff were +qualified by that ungrateful old gentleman; and I stole away from +the room extremely troubled in spirit, to think that another of my +fond dreams was thus dispelled; and that my hopes of getting out of +the army, by being useful to the Captain, were entirely vain. For +some time my despair was such, that I thought of marrying the widow; +but the marriages of privates are never allowed without the direct +permission of the King; and it was a matter of very great doubt +whether His Majesty would allow a young fellow of twenty-two, the +handsomest man of his army, to be coupled to a pimplefaced old widow +of sixty, who was quite beyond the age when her marriage would be +likely to multiply the subjects of His Majesty. This hope of liberty +was therefore vain; nor could I hope to purchase my discharge, +unless any charitable soul would lend me a large sum of money; for, +though I made a good deal, as I have said, yet I have always had +through life an incorrigible knack of spending, and (such is my +generosity of disposition) have been in debt ever since I was born. + +My captain, the sly rascal! gave me a very different version of his +conversation with his uncle to that which I knew to be the true one; +and said smilingly to me, 'Redmond, I have spoken to the Minister +regarding thy services,[Footnote: The service about which Mr. Barry +here speaks has, and we suspect purposely, been described by him in +very dubious terms. It is most probable that he was employed to wait +at the table of strangers in Berlin, and to bring to the Police +Minister any news concerning them which might at all interest the +Government. The great Frederick never received a guest without +taking these hospitable precautions; and as for the duels which Mr. +Barry fights, may we be allowed to hint a doubt as to a great number +of these combats. It will be observed, in one or two other parts of +his Memoirs, that whenever he is at an awkward pass, or does what +the world does not usually consider respectable, a duel, in which he +is victorious, is sure to ensue; from which he argues that he is a +man of undoubted honour.] and thy fortune is made. We shall get thee +out of the army, appoint thee to the police bureau, and procure for +thee an inspectorship of customs; and, in fine, allow thee to move +in a better sphere than that in which Fortune has hitherto placed +thee. + +Although I did not believe a word of this speech, I affected to be +very much moved by it, and of course swore eternal gratitude to the +Captain for his kindness to the poor Irish castaway. + +'Your service at the Dutch Minister's has pleased me very well. +There is another occasion on which you may make yourself useful to +us; and if you succeed, depend on it your reward will be secure.' + +'What is the service, sir?' said I; 'I will do anything for so kind +a master.' + +'There is lately come to Berlin,' said the Captain, 'a gentleman in +the service of the Empress-Queen, who calls himself the Chevalier de +Balibari, and wears the red riband and star of the Pope's order of +the Spur. He speaks Italian or French indifferently; but we have +some reason to fancy this Monsieur de Balibari is a native of your +country of Ireland. Did you ever hear such a name as Balibari in +Ireland?' + +'Balibari? Balyb--?' A sudden thought flashed across me. 'No, sir,' +said I, 'I never heard the name.' + +'You must go into his service. Of course you will not know a word of +English: and if the Chevalier asks as to the particularity of your +accent, say you are a Hungarian. The servant who came with him will +be turned away to-day, and the person to whom he has applied for a +faithful fellow will recommend you. You are a Hungarian; you served +in the Seven Years' War. You left the army on account of weakness of +the loins. You served Monsieur de Quellenberg two years; he is now +with the army in Silesia, but there is your certificate signed by +him. You afterwards lived with Doctor Mopsius, who will give you a +character, if need be; and the landlord of the "Star" will, of +course, certify that you are an honest fellow: but his certificate +goes for nothing. As for the rest of your story, you can fashion +that as you will, and make it as romantic or as ludicrous as your +fancy dictates. Try, however, to win the Chevalier's confidence by +provoking his compassion. He gambles a great deal, and WINS. Do you +know the cards well?' + +'Only a very little, as soldiers do.' + +'I had thought you more expert. You must find out if the Chevalier +cheats; if he does, we have him. He sees the English and Austrian +envoys continually, and the young men of either Ministry sup +repeatedly at his house. Find out what they talk of; for how much +each plays, especially if any of them play on parole: if you can +read his private letters, of course you will; though about those +which go to the post, you need not trouble yourself; we look at them +there. But never see him write a note without finding out to whom it +goes, and by what channel or messenger. He sleeps with the keys of +his despatch-box on a string round his neck. Twenty Frederics, if +you get an impression of the keys. You will, of course, go in plain +clothes. You had best brush the powder out of your hair, and tie it +with a riband simply; your moustache you must of course shave off. + +With these instructions, and a very small gratuity, the Captain left +me. When I again saw him, he was amused at the change in my +appearance. I had, not without a pang (for they were as black as +jet, and curled elegantly), shaved off my moustaches; had removed +the odious grease and flour, which I always abominated, out of my +hair; had mounted a demure French grey coat, black satin breeches, +and a maroon plush waistcoat, and a hat without a cockade. I looked +as meek and humble as any servant out of place could possibly +appear; and I think not my own regiment, which was now at the review +at Potsdam, would have known me. Thus accoutred, I went to the 'Star +Hotel,' where this stranger was,--my heart beating with anxiety, and +something telling me that this Chevalier de Balibari was no other +than Barry, of Ballybarry, my father's eldest brother, who had given +up his estate in consequence of his obstinate adherence to the +Romish superstition. Before I went in to present myself, I went to +look in the remises at his carriage. Had he the Barry arms? Yes, +there they were: argent, a bend gules, with four escallops of the +field,--the ancient coat of my house. They were painted in a shield +about as big as my hat, on a smart chariot handsomely gilded, +surmounted with a coronet, and supported by eight or nine Cupids, +cornucopias, and flower-baskets, according to the queer heraldic +fashion of those days. It must be he! I felt quite feint as I went +up the stairs. I was going to present myself before my uncle in the +character of a servant! + +'You are the young man whom M. de Seebach recommended?' + +I bowed, and handed him a letter from that gentleman, with which my +captain had taken care to provide me. As he looked at it I had +leisure to examine him. My uncle was a man of sixty years of age, +dressed superbly in a coat and breeches of apricot-coloured velvet, +a white satin waistcoat embroidered with gold like the coat. Across +his breast went the purple riband of his order of the Spur; and the +star of the order, an enormous one, sparkled on his breast. He had +rings on all his fingers, a couple of watches in his fobs, a rich +diamond solitaire in the black riband round his neck, and fastened +to the bag of his wig; his ruffles and frills were decorated with a +profusion of the richest lace. He had pink silk stockings rolled +over the knee, and tied with gold garters; and enormous diamond +buckles to his red-heeled shoes. A sword mounted in gold, in a white +fish-skin scabbard; and a hat richly laced, and lined with white +feathers, which were lying on a table beside him, completed the +costume of this splendid gentleman. In height he was about my size, +that is, six feet and half an inch; his cast of features singularly +like mine, and extremely distingue. One of his eyes was closed with +a black patch, however; he wore a little white and red paint, by no +means an unusual ornament in those days; and a pair of moustaches, +which fell over his lip and hid a mouth that I afterwards found had +rather a disagreeable expression. When his beard was removed, the +upper teeth appeared to project very much; and his countenance wore +a ghastly fixed smile, by no means pleasant. + +It was very imprudent of me; but when I saw the splendour of his +appearance, the nobleness of his manner, I felt it impossible to +keep disguise with him; and when he said, 'Ah, you are a Hungarian, +I see!' I could hold no longer. + +'Sir,' said I, 'I am an Irishman, and my name is Redmond Barry, of +Ballybarry.' As I spoke, I burst into tears; I can't tell why; but I +had seen none of my kith or kin for six years, and my heart longed +for some one. + +CHAPTER VIII + +BARRY'S ADIEU TO MILITARY PROFESSION + +You who have never been out of your country, know little what it is +to hear a friendly voice in captivity; and there's many a man that +will not understand the cause of the burst of feeling which I have +confessed took place on my seeing my uncle. He never for a minute +thought to question the truth of what I said. 'Mother of God!' cried +he, 'it's my brother Harry's son.' And I think in my heart he was as +much affected as I was at thus suddenly finding one of his kindred; +for he, too, was an exile from home, and a friendly voice, a look, +brought the old country back to his memory again, and the old days +of his boyhood. 'I'd give five years of my life to see them again,' +said he, after caressing me very warmly. 'What?' asked I. 'Why,' +replied he, 'the green fields, and the river, and the old round +tower, and the burying-place at Ballybarry. 'Twas a shame for your +father to part with the land, Redmond, that went so long with the +name.' + +He then began to ask me concerning myself, and I gave him my history +at some length; at which the worthy gentleman laughed many times, +saying, that I was a Barry all over. In the middle of my story he +would stop me, to make me stand back to back, and measure with him +(by which I ascertained that our heights were the same, and that my +uncle had a stiff knee, moreover, which made him walk in a peculiar +way), and uttered, during the course of the narrative, a hundred +exclamations of pity, and kindness, and sympathy. It was 'Holy +Saints!' and 'Mother of Heaven!' and 'Blessed Mary!' continually; by +which, and with justice, I concluded that he was still devotedly +attached to the ancient faith of our family. + +It was with some difficulty that I came to explain to him the last +part of my history, viz., that I was put into his service as a watch +upon his actions, of which I was to give information in a certain +quarter. When I told him (with a great deal of hesitation) of this +fact, he burst out laughing, and enjoyed the joke amazingly. 'The +rascals!' said he; 'they think to catch me, do they? Why, Redmond, +my chief conspiracy is a faro-bank. But the King is so jealous, that +he will see a spy in every person who comes to his miserable capital +in the great sandy desert here. Ah, my boy, I must show you Paris +and Vienna!' + +I said there was nothing I longed for more than to see any city but +Berlin, and should be delighted to be free of the odious military +service. Indeed, I thought, from his splendour of appearance, the +knickknacks about the room, the gilded carriage in the remise, that +my uncle was a man of vast property; and that he would purchase a +dozen, nay, a whole regiment of substitutes, in order to restore me +to freedom. + +But I was mistaken in my calculations regarding him, as his history +of himself speedily showed me. 'I have been beaten about the world,' +said he, 'ever since the year 1742, when my brother your father (and +Heaven forgive him) cut my family estate from under my heels, by +turning heretic, in order to marry that scold of a mother of yours. +Well, let bygones be bygones. 'Tis probable that I should have run +through the little property as he did in my place, and I should have +had to begin a year or two later the life I have been leading ever +since I was compelled to leave Ireland. My lad, I have been in every +service; and, between ourselves, owe money in every capital in +Europe. I made a campaign or two with the Pandours under Austrian +Trenck. I was captain in the Guard of His Holiness the Pope, I made +the campaign of Scotland with the Prince of Wales--a bad fellow, my +dear, caring more for his mistress and his brandy-bottle than for +the crowns of the three kingdoms. I have served in Spain and in +Piedmont; but I have been a rolling stone, my good fellow. Play-- +play has been my ruin; that and beauty' (here he gave a leer which +made him, I must confess, look anything but handsome; besides, his +rouged cheeks were all beslobbered with the tears which he had shed +on receiving me). 'The women have made a fool of me, my dear +Redmond. I am a soft-hearted creature, and this minute, at sixty- +two, have no more command of myself than when Peggy O'Dwyer made a +fool of me at sixteen.' + +''Faith sir,' says I, laughing, 'I think it runs in the family!' and +described to him, much to his amusement, my romantic passion for my +cousin, Nora Brady. He resumed his narrative. + +'The cards now are my only livelihood. Sometimes I am in luck, and +then I lay out my money in these trinkets you see. It's property, +look you, Redmond; and the only way I have found of keeping a little +about me. When the luck goes against me, why, my dear, my diamonds +go to the pawnbrokers, and I wear paste. Friend Moses the goldsmith +will pay me a visit this very day; for the chances have been against +me all the week past, and I must raise money for the bank to-night. +Do you understand the cards?' + +I replied that I could play as soldiers do, but had no great skill. + +'We will practise in the morning, my boy,' said he, 'and I'll put +you up to a thing or two worth knowing.' + +Of course I was glad to have such an opportunity of acquiring +knowledge, and professed myself delighted to receive my uncle's +instruction. + +The Chevalier's account of himself rather disagreeably affected me. +All his show was on his back, as he said. His carriage, with the +fine gilding, was a part of his stock in trade. He HAD a sort of +mission from the Austrian Court:--it was to discover whether a +certain quantity of alloyed ducats which had been traced to Berlin, +were from the King's treasury. But the real end of Monsieur de +Balibari was play. There was a young attache of the English embassy, +my Lord Deuceace, afterwards Viscount and Earl of Crabs in the +English peerage, who was playing high; and it was after hearing of +the passion of this young English nobleman that my uncle, then at +Prague, determined to visit Berlin and engage him. For there is a +sort of chivalry among the knights of the dice-box: the fame of +great players is known all over Europe. I have known the Chevalier +de Casanova, for instance, to travel six hundred miles, from Paris +to Turin, for the purpose of meeting Mr. Charles Fox, then only my +Lord Holland's dashing son, afterwards the greatest of European +orators and statesmen. + +It was agreed that I should keep my character of valet; that in the +presence of strangers I should not know a word of English; that I +should keep a good look-out on the trumps when I was serving the +champagne and punch about; and, having a remarkably fine eyesight +and a great natural aptitude, I was speedily able to give my dear +uncle much assistance against his opponents at the green table. Some +prudish persons may affect indignation at the frankness of these +confessions, but Heaven pity them! Do you suppose that any man who +has lost or won a hundred thousand pounds at play will not take the +advantages which his neighbour enjoys? They are all the same. But it +is only the clumsy fool who CHEATS; who resorts to the vulgar +expedients of cogged dice and cut cards. Such a man is sure to go +wrong some time or other, and is not fit to play in the society of +gallant gentlemen; and my advice to people who see such a vulgar +person at his pranks is, of course, to back him while he plays, but +never--never to have anything to do with him. Play grandly, +honourably. Be not, of course, cast down at losing; but above all, +be not eager at winning, as mean souls are. And, indeed, with all +one's skill and advantages, winning is often problematical; I have +seen a sheer ignoramus that knows no more of play than of Hebrew, +blunder you out of five thousand pounds in a few turns of the cards. +I have seen a gentleman and his confederate play against another and +HIS confederate. One never is secure in these cases: and when one +considers the time and labour spent, the genius, the anxiety, the +outlay of money required, the multiplicity of bad debts that one +meets with (for dishonourable rascals are to be found at the play- +table, as everywhere else in the world), I say, for my part, the +profession is a bad one; and, indeed, have scarcely ever met a man +who, in the end, profited by it. I am writing now with the +experience of a man of the world. At the time I speak of I was a +lad, dazzled by the idea of wealth, and respecting, certainly too +much, my uncle's superior age and station in life. + +There is no need to particularise here the little arrangements made +between us; the playmen of the present day want no instruction, I +take it, and the public have little interest in the matter. But +simplicity was our secret. Everything successful is simple. If, for +instance, I wiped the dust off a chair with my napkin, it was to +show that the enemy was strong in diamonds; if I pushed it, he had +ace, king; if I said, 'Punch or wine, my Lord?' hearts was meant; if +'Wine or punch?' clubs. If I blew my nose, it was to indicate that +there was another confederate employed by the adversary; and THEN, I +warrant you, some pretty trials of skill would take place. My Lord +Deuceace, although so young, had a very great skill and cleverness +with the cards in every way; and it was only from hearing Frank +Punter, who came with him, yawn three times when the Chevalier had +the ace of trumps, that I knew we were Greek to Greek, as it were. + +My assumed dulness was perfect; and I used to make Monsieur de +Potzdorff laugh with it, when I carried my little reports to him at +the Garden-house outside the town where he gave me rendezvous. These +reports, of course, were arranged between me and my uncle +beforehand. I was instructed (and it is always far the best way) to +tell as much truth as my story would possibly bear. When, for +instance, he would ask me, 'What does the Chevalier do of a +morning?' + +'He goes to church regularly' (he was very religious), 'and after +hearing mass comes home to breakfast. Then he takes an airing in his +chariot till dinner, which is served at noon. After dinner he writes +his letters, if he have any letters to write: but he has very little +to do in this way. His letters are to the Austrian envoy, with whom +he corresponds, but who does not acknowledge him; and being written +in English, of course I look over his shoulder. He generally writes +for money. He says he wants it to bribe the secretaries of the +Treasury, in order to find out really where the alloyed ducats come +from; but, in fact, he wants it to play of evenings, when he makes +his party with Calsabigi, the lottery-contractor, the Russian +attaches, two from the English embassy, my Lords Deuceace and +Punter, who play a jeu d'enfer, and a few more. The same set meet +every night at supper: there are seldom any ladies; those who come +are chiefly French ladies, members of the corps de ballet. He wins +often, but not always. Lord Deuceace is a very fine player. The +Chevalier Elliot, the English Minister, sometimes comes, on which +occasion the secretaries do not play. Monsieur de Balibari dines at +the missions, but en petit comite, not on grand days of reception. +Calsabigi, I think, is his confederate at play. He has won lately; +but the week before last he pledged his solitaire for four hundred +ducats.' + +'Do he and the English attaches talk together in their own +language?' + +'Yes; he and the envoy spoke yesterday for half-an-hour about the +new danseuse and the American troubles: chiefly about the new +danseuse.' + +It will be seen that the information I gave was very minute and +accurate, though not very important. But such as it was, it was +carried to the ears of that famous hero and warrior the Philosopher +of Sans Souci; and there was not a stranger who entered the capital +but his actions were similarly spied and related to Frederick the +Great. + +As long as the play was confined to the young men of the different +embassies, His Majesty did not care to prevent it; nay, he +encouraged play at all the missions, knowing full well that a man in +difficulties can be made to speak, and that a timely rouleau of +Frederics would often get him a secret worth many thousands. He got +some papers from the French house in this way: and I have no doubt +that my Lord Deuceace would have supplied him with information at a +similar rate, had his chief not known the young nobleman's character +pretty well, and had (as is usually the case) the work of the +mission performed by a steady roturier, while the young brilliant +bloods of the suite sported their embroidery at the balls, or shook +their Mechlin ruffles over the green tables at faro. I have seen +many scores of these young sprigs since, of these and their +principals, and, mon Dieu! what fools they are! What dullards, what +fribbles, what addle-headed simple coxcombs! This is one of the lies +of the world, this diplomacy; or how could we suppose, that were the +profession as difficult as the solemn red-box and tape-men would +have us believe, they would invariably choose for it little pink- +faced boys from school, with no other claim than mamma's title, and +able at most to judge of a curricle, a new dance, or a neat boot? + +When it became known, however, to the officers of the garrison that +there was a faro-table in town, they were wild to be admitted to the +sport; and, in spite of my entreaties to the contrary, my uncle was +not averse to allow the young gentlemen their fling, and once or +twice cleared a handsome sum out of their purses. It was in vain I +told him that I must carry the news to my captain, before whom his +comrades would not fail to talk, and who would thus know of the +intrigue even without my information. + +'Tell him,' said my uncle. + +'They will send you away,' said I; 'then what is to become of me?' + +'Make your mind easy,' said the latter, with a smile; 'you shall not +be left behind, I warrant you. Go take a last look at your barracks, +make your mind easy; say a farewell to your friends in Berlin. The +dear souls, how they will weep when they hear you are out of the +country; and, as sure as my name is Barry, out of it you shall go!' + +'But how, sir?' said I. + +'Recollect Mr. Fakenham of Fakenham,' said he knowingly. ''Tis you +yourself taught me how. Go get me one of my wigs. Open my despatch- +box yonder, where the great secrets of the Austrian Chancery lie; +put your hair back off you forehead; clap me on this patch and these +moustaches, and now look in the glass!' + +'The Chevalier de Balibari,' said I, bursting with laughter, and +began walking the room in his manner with his stiff knee. + +The next day, when I went to make my report to Monsieur de +Potzdorff, I told him of the young Prussian officers that had been +of late gambling; and he replied, as I expected, that the King had +determined to send the Chevalier out of the country. + +'He is a stingy curmudgeon,' I replied; 'I have had but three +Frederics from him in two months, and I hope you will remember your +promise to advance me!' + +'Why, three Frederics were too much for the news you have picked +up,' said the Captain, sneering. + +'It is not my fault that there has been no more,' I replied. 'When +is he to go, sir?' + +'The day after to-morrow. You say he drives after breakfast and +before dinner. When he comes out to his carriage, a couple of +gendarmes will mount the box, and the coachman will get his orders +to move on.' + +'And his baggage, sir?' said I. + +'Oh! that will be sent after him. I have a fancy to look into that +red box which contains his papers, you say; and at noon, after +parade, shall be at the inn. You will not say a word to any one +there regarding the affair, and will wait for me at the Chevalier's +rooms until my arrival. We must force that box. You are a clumsy +hound, or you would have got the key long ago!' + +I begged the Captain to remember me, and so took my leave of him. +The next night I placed a couple of pistols under the carriage seat; +and I think the adventures of the following day are quite worthy of +the honours of a separate chapter. + +CHAPTER IX + +I APPEAR IN A MANNER BECOMING MY NAME AND LINEAGE + +Fortune smiling at parting upon Monsieur de Balibari, enabled him to +win a handsome sum with his faro-bank. + +At ten o'clock the next morning, the carriage of the Chevalier de +Balibari drew up as usual at the door of his hotel; and the +Chevalier, who was at his window, seeing the chariot arrive, came +down the stairs in his usual stately manner. + +'Where is my rascal Ambrose?' said he, looking around and not +finding his servant to open the door. + +'I will let down the steps for your honour,' said a gendarme, who +was standing by the carriage; and no sooner had the Chevalier +entered, than the officer jumped in after him, another mounted the +box by the coachman, and the latter began to drive. + +'Good gracious!' said the Chevalier, 'what is this?' + +'You are going to drive to the frontier,' said the gendarme, +touching his hat. + +'It is shameful--infamous! I insist upon being put down at the +Austrian Ambassador's house!' + +'I have orders to gag your honour if you cry out,' said the +gendarme. + +'All Europe shall hear of this!' said the Chevalier, in a fury. + +'As you please,' answered the officer, and then both relapsed into +silence. + +The silence was not broken between Berlin and Potsdam, through which +place the Chevalier passed as His Majesty was reviewing his guards +there, and the regiments of Bulow, Zitwitz, and Henkel de +Donnersmark. As the Chevalier passed His Majesty, the King raised +his hat and said, 'Qu'il ne descende pas: je lui souhaite un bon +voyage.' The Chevalier de Balibari acknowledged this courtesy by a +profound bow. + +They had not got far beyond Potsdam, when boom! the alarm cannon +began to roar. + +'It is a deserter,' said the officer. + +'Is it possible?' said the Chevalier, and sank back into his +carriage again. + +Hearing the sound of the guns, the common people came out along the +road with fowling-pieces and pitchforks, in hopes to catch the +truant. The gendarmes seemed very anxious to be on the look-out for +him too. The price of a deserter was fifty crowns to those who +brought him in. + +'Confess, sir,' said the Chevalier to the police officer in the +carriage with him, 'that you long to be rid of me, from whom you can +get nothing, and to be on the look-out for the deserter who may +bring you in fifty crowns? Why not tell the postilion to push on? +You may land me at the frontier and get back to your hunt all the +sooner.' The officer told the postillion to get on; but the way +seemed intolerably long to the Chevalier. Once or twice he thought +he heard the noise of horse galloping behind: his own horses did not +seem to go two miles an hour; but they DID go. The black and white +barriers came in view at last, hard by Bruck, and opposite them the +green and yellow of Saxony. The Saxon custom-house officers came +out. + +'I have no luggage,' said the Chevalier. + +'The gentleman has nothing contraband,' said the Prussian officers, +grinning, and took their leave of their prisoner with much respect. + +The Chevalier de Balibari gave them a Frederic apiece. + +'Gentlemen,' said he, 'I wish you a good day. Will you please to go +to the house whence we set out this morning, and tell my man there +to send on my baggage to the "Three Kings" at Dresden?' + +Then ordering fresh horses, the Chevalier set off on his journey for +that capital. I need not tell you that _I_ was the Chevalier. + +'From the Chevalier de Balibari to Redmond Barry, Esquire, +Gentilhomme Anglais, a l'Hotel des 3 Couronnes, a Dresde en Saxe. + +'Nephew Redmond,--This comes to you by a sure hand, no other than +Mr. Lumpit of the English Mission, who is acquainted, as all Berlin +will be directly, with our wonderful story. They only know half as +yet; they only know that a deserter went off in my clothes, and all +are in admiration of your cleverness and valour. + +'I confess that for two hours after your departure I lay in bed in +no small trepidation, thinking whether His Majesty might have a +fancy to send me to Spandau, for the freak of which we had both been +guilty. But in that case I had taken my precautions: I had written a +statement of the case to my chief, the Austrian Minister, with the +full and true story how you had been set to spy upon me, how you +turned out to be my very near relative, how you had been kidnapped +yourself into the service, and how we both had determined to effect +your escape. The laugh would have been so much against the King, +that he never would have dared to lay a finger upon me. What would +Monsieur de Voltaire have said to such an act of tyranny? But it +was a lucky day, and everything has turned out to my wish. As I lay +in my bed two and a half hours after your departure, in comes your +ex-Captain Potzdorff. "Redmont!" says he, in his imperious High- +Dutch way, "are you there?" No answer. "The rogue is gone out," said +he; and straightway makes for my red box where I keep my love- +letters, my glass eye which I used to wear, my favourite lucky dice +with which I threw the thirteen mains at Prague; my two sets of +Paris teeth, and my other private matters that you know of. + +'He first tried a bunch of keys, but none of them would fit the +little English lock. Then my gentleman takes out of his pocket a +chisel and hammer, and falls to work like a professional burglar, +actually bursting open my little box! + +'Now was my time to act. I advance towards him armed with an immense +water-jug. I come noiselessly up to him just as he had broken the +box, and with all my might I deal him such a blow over the head as +smashes the water-jug to atoms, and sends my captain with a snort +lifeless to the ground. I thought I had killed him. + +'Then I ring all the bells in the house; and shout and swear and +scream, "Thieves!--thieves!--landlord!--murder!--fire!" until the +whole household come tumbling up the stairs. "Where is my servant?" +roar I. "Who dares to rob me in open day? Look at the villain whom I +find in the act of breaking my chest open! Send for the police, send +for his Excellency the Austrian Minister! all Europe shall know of +this insult!" + +'"Dear Heaven!" says the landlord, "we saw you go away three hours +ago!" + +'"ME!" says I; "why, man, I have been in bed all the morning. I am +ill--I have taken physic--I have not left the house this morning! +Where is that scoundrel Ambrose? But, stop! where are my clothes and +wig?" for I was standing before them in my chamber-gown and +stockings, with my nightcap on. + +'"I have it--I have it!" says a little chambermaid: "Ambrose is off +in your honour's dress." + +'"And my money--my money!" says I; "where is my purse with forty- +eight Frederics in it? But we have one of the villains left. +Officers, seize him!" + +'"It's the young Herr von Potzdorff!" says the landlord, more and +more astonished. + +'"What! a gentleman breaking open my trunk with hammer and chisel-- +impossible!" + +'Herr von Potzdorff was returning to life by this time, with a +swelling on his skull as big as a saucepan; and the officers carried +him off, and the judge who was sent for dressed a proces verbal of +the matter, and I demanded a copy of it, which I sent forthwith to +my ambassador. + +'I was kept a prisoner to my room the next day, and a judge, a +general, and a host of lawyers, officers, and officials, were set +upon me to bully, perplex, threaten, and cajole me. I said it was +true you had told me that you had been kidnapped into the service, +that I thought you were released from it, and that I had you with +the best recommendations. I appealed to my Minister, who was bound +to come to my aid; and, to make a long story short, poor Potzdorff +is now on his way to Spandau; and his uncle, the elder Potzdorff, +has brought me five hundred louis, with a humble request that I +would leave Berlin forthwith, and hush up this painful matter. + +'I shall be with you at the "Three Crowns" the day after you receive +this. Ask Mr. Lumpit to dinner. Do not spare your money--you are my +son. Everybody in Dresden knows your loving uncle, + +'THE CHEVALIER DE BALIBARI.' + +And by these wonderful circumstances I was once more free again: and +I kept my resolution then made, never to fall more into the hands of +any recruiter, and henceforth and for ever to be a gentleman. + +With this sum of money, and a good run of luck which ensued +presently, we were enabled to make no ungenteel figure. My uncle +speedily joined me at the inn at Dresden, where, under pretence of +illness, I had kept quiet until his arrival; and, as the Chevalier +de Balibari was in particular good odour at the Court of Dresden +(having been an intimate acquaintance of the late monarch, the +Elector, King of Poland, the most dissolute and agreeable of +European princes), I was speedily in the very best society of the +Saxon capital: where I may say that my own person and manners, and +the singularity of the adventures in which I had been a hero, made +me especially welcome. There was not a party of the nobility to +which the two gentlemen of Balibari were not invited. I had the +honour of kissing hands and being graciously received at Court by +the Elector, and I wrote home to my mother such a flaming +description of my prosperity, that the good soul very nearly forgot +her celestial welfare and her confessor, the Reverend Joshua Jowls, +in order to come after me to Germany; but travelling was very +difficult in those days, and so we were spared the arrival of the +good lady. + +I think the soul of Harry Barry, my father, who was always so +genteel in his turn of mind, must have rejoiced to see the position +which I now occupied; all the women anxious to receive me, all the +men in a fury; hobnobbing with dukes and counts at supper, dancing +minuets with high-well-born baronesses (as they absurdly call +themselves in Germany), with lovely excellencies, nay, with +highnesses and transparencies themselves: who could compete with the +gallant young Irish noble? who would suppose that seven weeks before +I had been a common--bah! I am ashamed to think of it! One of the +pleasantest moments of my life was at a grand gala at the Electoral +Palace, where I had the honour of walking a polonaise with no other +than the Margravine of Bayreuth, old Fritz's own sister: old +Fritz's, whose hateful blue-baize livery I had worn, whose belts I +had pipeclayed, and whose abominable rations of small beer and +sauerkraut I had swallowed for five years. + +Having won an English chariot from an Italian gentleman at play, my +uncle had our arms painted on the panels in a more splendid way than +ever, surmounted (as we were descended from the ancient kings) with +an Irish crown of the most splendid size and gilding. I had this +crown in lieu of a coronet engraved on a large amethyst signet-ring +worn on my forefinger; and I don't mind confessing that I used to +say the jewel had been in my family for several thousand years, +having originally belonged to my direct ancestor, his late Majesty +King Brian Boru, or Barry. I warrant the legends of the Heralds' +College are not more authentic than mine was. + +At first the Minister and the gentlemen at the English hotel used to +be rather shy of us two Irish noblemen, and questioned our +pretensions to rank. The Minister was a lord's son, it is true, but +he was likewise a grocer's grandson; and so I told him at Count +Lobkowitz's masquerade. My uncle, like a noble gentleman as he was, +knew the pedigree of every considerable family in Europe. He said it +was the only knowledge befitting a gentleman; and when we were not +at cards, we would pass hours over Gwillim or D'Hozier, reading the +genealogies, learning the blazons, and making ourselves acquainted +with the relationships of our class. Alas! the noble science is +going into disrepute now: so are cards, without which studies and +pastimes I can hardly conceive how a man of honour can exist. + +My first affair of honour with a man of undoubted fashion was on the +score of my nobility, with young Sir Rumford Bumford of the English +embassy; my uncle at the same time sending a cartel to the Minister, +who declined to come. I shot Sir Rumford in the leg, amidst the +tears of joy of my uncle, who accompanied me to the ground; and I +promise you that none of the young gentlemen questioned the +authenticity of my pedigree, or laughed at my Irish crown again. + +What a delightful life did we now lead! I knew I was born a +gentleman, from the kindly way in which I took to the business: as +business it certainly is. For though it SEEMS all pleasure, yet I +assure any low-bred persons who may chance to read this, that we, +their betters, have to work as well as they: though I did not rise +until noon, yet had I not been up at play until long past midnight? +Many a time have we come home to bed as the troops were marching out +to early parade; and oh! it did my heart good to hear the bugles +blowing the reveille before daybreak, or to see the regiments +marching out to exercise, and think that I was no longer bound to +that disgusting discipline, but restored to my natural station. + +I came into it at once, and as if I had never done anything else all +my life. I had a gentleman to wait upon me, a French friseur to +dress my hair of a morning; I knew the taste of chocolate as by +intuition almost, and could distinguish between the right Spanish +and the French before I had been a week in my new position; I had +rings on all my fingers, watches in both my fobs, canes, trinkets, +and snuffboxes of all sorts, and each outvying the other in +elegance. I had the finest natural taste for lace and china of any +man I ever knew; I could judge a horse as well as any Jew dealer in +Germany; in shooting and athletic exercises I was unrivalled; I +could not spell, but I could speak German and French cleverly. I had +at the least twelve suits of clothes; three richly embroidered with +gold, two laced with silver, a garnet-coloured velvet pelisse lined +with sable; one of French grey, silver-laced, and lined with +chinchilla. I had damask morning robes. I took lessons on the +guitar, and sang French catches exquisitely. Where, in fact, was +there a more accomplished gentleman than Redmond de Balibari? + +All the luxuries becoming my station could not, of course, be +purchased without credit and money: to procure which, as our +patrimony had been wasted by our ancestors, and we were above the +vulgarity and slow returns and doubtful chances of trade, my uncle +kept a faro-bank. We were in partnership with a Florentine, well +known in all the Courts of Europe, the Count Alessandro Pippi, as +skilful a player as ever was seen; but he turned out a sad knave +latterly, and I have discovered that his countship was a mere +imposture. My uncle was maimed, as I have said; Pippi, like all +impostors, was a coward; it was my unrivalled skill with the sword, +and readiness to use it, that maintained the reputation of the firm, +so to speak, and silenced many a timid gambler who might have +hesitated to pay his losings. We always played on parole with +anybody: any person, that is, of honour and noble lineage. We never +pressed for our winnings or declined to receive promissory notes in +lieu of gold. But woe to the man who did not pay when the note +became due! Redmond de Balibari was sure to wait upon him with his +bill, and I promise you there were very few bad debts: on the +contrary, gentlemen were grateful to us for our forbearance, and our +character for honour stood unimpeached. In later times, a vulgar +national prejudice has chosen to cast a slur upon the character of +men of honour engaged in the profession of play; but I speak of the +good old days in Europe, before the cowardice of the French +aristocracy (in the shameful Revolution, which served them right) +brought discredit and ruin upon our order. They cry fie now upon men +engaged in play; but I should like to know how much more honourable +THEIR modes of livelihood are than ours. The broker of the Exchange +who bulls and bears, and buys and sells, and dabbles with lying +loans, and trades on State secrets, what is he but a gamester? The +merchant who deals in teas and tallow, is he any better? His bales +of dirty indigo are his dice, his cards come up every year instead +of every ten minutes, and the sea is his green table. You call the +profession of the law an honourable one, where a man will lie for +any bidder; lie down poverty for the sake of a fee from wealth, lie +down right because wrong is in his brief. You call a doctor an +honourable man, a swindling quack, who does not believe in the +nostrums which he prescribes, and takes your guinea for whispering +in your ear that it is a fine morning; and yet, forsooth, a gallant +man who sits him down before the baize and challenges all comers, +his money against theirs, his fortune against theirs, is proscribed +by your modern moral world. It is a conspiracy of the middle classes +against gentlemen: it is only the shopkeeper cant which is to go +down nowadays. I say that play was an institution of chivalry: it +has been wrecked, along with other privileges of men of birth. When +Seingalt engaged a man for six-and-thirty hours without leaving the +table, do you think he showed no courage? How have we had the best +blood, and the brightest eyes, too, of Europe throbbing round the +table, as I and my uncle have held the cards and the bank against +some terrible player, who was matching some thousands out of his +millions against our all which was there on the baize! when we +engaged that daring Alexis Kossloffsky, and won seven thousand louis +in a single coup, had we lost, we should have been beggars the next +day; when HE lost, he was only a village and a few hundred serfs in +pawn the worse. When, at Toeplitz, the Duke of Courland brought +fourteen lacqueys, each with four bags of florins, and challenged +our bank to play against the sealed bags, what did we ask? 'Sir,' +said we, 'we have but eighty thousand florins in bank, or two +hundred thousand at three months. If your Highness's bags do not +contain more than eighty thousand, we will meet you.' And we did, +and after eleven hours' play, in which our bank was at one time +reduced to two hundred and three ducats, we won seventeen thousand +florins of him. Is THIS not something like boldness? does THIS +profession not require skill, and perseverance, and bravery? Four +crowned heads looked on at the game, and an Imperial princess, when +I turned up the ace of hearts and made Paroli, burst into tears. No +man on the European Continent held a higher position than Redmond +Barry then; and when the Duke of Courland lost, he was pleased to +say that we had won nobly; and so we had, and spent nobly what we +won. + +At this period my uncle, who attended mass every day regularly, +always put ten florins into the box. Wherever we went, the tavern- +keepers made us more welcome than royal princes. We used to give +away the broken meat from our suppers and dinners to scores of +beggars who blessed us. Every man who held my horse or cleaned my +boots got a ducat for his pains. I was, I may say, the author of our +common good fortune, by putting boldness into our play. Pippi was a +faint-hearted fellow, who was always cowardly when he began to win. +My uncle (I speak with great respect of him) was too much of a +devotee, and too much of a martinet at play ever to win GREATLY. His +moral courage was unquestionable, but his daring was not sufficient. +Both of these my seniors very soon acknowledged me to be their +chief, and hence the style of splendour I have described. + +I have mentioned H.I.H. the Princess Frederica Amelia, who was +affected by my success, and shall always think with gratitude of the +protection with which that exalted lady honoured me. She was +passionately fond of play, as indeed were the ladies of almost all +the Courts in Europe in those days, and hence would often arise no +small trouble to us; for the truth must be told, that ladies love to +play, certainly, but not to PAY. The point of honour is not +understood by the charming sex; and it was with the greatest +difficulty, in our peregrinations to the various Courts of Northern +Europe, that we could keep them from the table, could get their +money if they lost, or, if they paid, prevent them from using the +most furious and extraordinary means of revenge. In those great days +of our fortune, I calculate that we lost no less than fourteen +thousand louis by such failures of payment. A princess of a ducal +house gave us paste instead of diamonds, which she had solemnly +pledged to us; another organised a robbery of the Crown jewels, and +would have charged the theft upon us, but for Pippi's caution, who +had kept back a note of hand 'her High Transparency' gave us, and +sent it to his ambassador; by which precaution I do believe our +necks were saved. A third lady of high (but not princely) rank, +after I had won a considerable sum in diamonds and pearls from her, +sent her lover with a band of cut-throats to waylay me; and it was +only by extraordinary courage, skill, and good luck, that I escaped +from these villains, wounded myself, but leaving the chief aggressor +dead on the ground: my sword entered his eye and broke there, and +the villains who were with him fled, seeing their chief fall. They +might have finished me else, for I had no weapon of defence. + +Thus it will be seen that our life, for all its splendour, was one +of extreme danger and difficulty, requiring high talents and courage +for success; and often, when we were in a full vein of success, we +were suddenly driven from our ground on account of some freak of a +reigning prince, some intrigue of a disappointed mistress, or some +quarrel with the police minister. If the latter personage were not +bribed or won over, nothing was more common than for us to receive a +sudden order of departure; and so, perforce, we lived a wandering +and desultory life. + +Though the gains of such a life are, as I have said, very great, yet +the expenses are enormous. Our appearance and retinue was too +splendid for the narrow mind of Pippi, who was always crying out at +my extravagance, though obliged to own that his own meanness and +parsimony would never have achieved the great victories which my +generosity had won. With all our success, our capital was not very +great. That speech to the Duke of Courland, for instance, was a mere +boast as far as the two hundred thousand florins at three months +were concerned. We had no credit, and no money beyond that on our +table, and should have been forced to fly if his Highness had won +and accepted our bills. Sometimes, too, we were hit very hard. A +bank is a certainty, ALMOST; but now and then a bad day will come; +and men who have the courage of good fortune, at least, ought to +meet bad luck well: the former, believe me, is the harder task of +the two. + +One of these evil chances befell us in the Duke of Baden's +territory, at Mannheim. Pippi, who was always on the look-out for +business, offered to make a bank at the inn where we put up, and +where the officers of the Duke's cuirassiers supped; and some small +play accordingly took place, and some wretched crowns and louis +changed hands: I trust, rather to the advantage of these poor +gentlemen of the army, who are surely the poorest of all devils +under the sun. + +But, as ill luck would have it, a couple of young students from the +neighbouring University of Heidelberg, who had come to Mannheim for +their quarter's revenue, and so had some hundred of dollars between +them, were introduced to the table, and, having never played before, +began to win (as is always the case). As ill luck would have it, +too, they were tipsy, and against tipsiness I have often found the +best calculations of play fail entirely. They played in the most +perfectly insane way, and yet won always. Every card they backed +turned up in their favour. They had won a hundred louis from us in +ten minutes; and, seeing that Pippi was growing angry and the luck +against us, I was for shutting up the bank for the night, saying the +play was only meant for a joke, and that now we had had enough. + +But Pippi, who had quarrelled with me that day, was determined to +proceed, and the upshot was, that the students played and won more; +then they lent money to the officers, who began to win, too; and in +this ignoble way, in a tavern room thick with tobacco-smoke, across +a deal table besmeared with beer and liquor, and to a parcel of +hungry subalterns and a pair of beardless students, three of the +most skilful and renowned players in Europe lost seventeen hundred +louis! I blush now when I think of it. It was like Charles XII or +Richard Coeur de Lion falling before a petty fortress and an unknown +hand (as my friend Mr. Johnson wrote), and was, in fact, a most +shameful defeat. + +Nor was this the only defeat. When our poor conquerors had gone off, +bewildered with the treasure which fortune had flung in their way +(one of these students was called the Baron de Clootz, perhaps he +who afterwards lost his head at Paris), Pippi resumed the quarrel of +the morning, and some exceedingly high words passed between us. +Among other things I recollect I knocked him down with a stool, and +was for flinging him out of the window; but my uncle, who was cool, +and had been keeping Lent with his usual solemnity, interposed +between us, and a reconciliation took place, Pippi apologising and +confessing he had been wrong. + +I ought to have doubted, however, the sincerity of the treacherous +Italian; indeed, as I never before believed a word that he said in +his life, I know not why I was so foolish as to credit him now, and +go to bed, leaving the keys of our cash-box with him. It contained, +after our loss to the cuirassiers, in bills and money, near upon +L8000 sterling. Pippi insisted that our reconciliation should be +ratified over a bowl of hot wine, and I have no doubt put some +soporific drug into the liquor; for my uncle and I both slept till +very late the next morning, and woke with violent headaches and +fever: we did not quit our beds till noon. He had been gone twelve +hours, leaving our treasury empty; and behind him a sort of +calculation, by which he strove to make out that this was his share +of the profits, and that all the losses had been incurred without +his consent. + +Thus, after eighteen months, we had to begin the world again. But +was I cast down? No. Our wardrobes still were worth a very large sum +of money; for gentlemen did not dress like parish-clerks in those +days, and a person of fashion would often wear a suit of clothes and +a set of ornaments that would be a shop-boy's fortune; so, without +repining for one single minute, or saying a single angry word (my +uncle's temper in this respect was admirable), or allowing the +secret of our loss to be known to a mortal soul, we pawned three- +fourths of our jewels and clothes to Moses Lowe the banker, and with +the produce of the sale, and our private pocket-money, amounting in +all to something less than 800 louis, we took the field again. + +CHAPTER X + +MORE RUNS OF LUCK + +I am not going to entertain my readers with an account of my +professional career as a gamester, any more than I did with +anecdotes of my life as a military man. I might fill volumes with +tales of this kind were I so minded; but at this rate, my recital +would not be brought to a conclusion for years, and who knows how +soon I may be called upon to stop? I have gout, rheumatism, gravel, +and a disordered liver. I have two or three wounds in my body, which +break out every now and then, and give me intolerable pain, and a +hundred more signs of breaking up. Such are the effects of time, +illness, and free-living, upon one of the strongest constitutions +and finest forms the world ever saw. Ah! I suffered from none of +these ills in the year '66, when there was no man in Europe more gay +in spirits, more splendid in personal accomplishments, than young +Redmond Barry. + +Before the treachery of the scoundrel Pippi, I had visited many of +the best Courts of Europe; especially the smaller ones, where play +was patronised, and the professors of that science always welcome. +Among the ecclesiastical principalities of the Rhine we were +particularly well received. I never knew finer or gayer Courts than +those of the Electors of Treves and Cologne, where there was more +splendour and gaiety than at Vienna; far more than in the wretched +barrack-court of Berlin. The Court of the Archduchess-Governess of +the Netherlands was, likewise, a royal place for us knights of the +dice-box and gallant votaries of fortune; whereas in the stingy +Dutch or the beggarly Swiss republics, it was impossible for a +gentleman to gain a livelihood unmolested. + +After our mishap at Mannheim, my uncle and I made for the Duchy of +X---. The reader may find out the place easily enough; but I do not +choose to print at full the names of some illustrious persons in +whose society I then fell, and among whom I was made the sharer in a +very strange and tragical adventure. + +There was no Court in Europe at which strangers were more welcome +than at that of the noble Duke of X---; none where pleasure was more +eagerly sought after, and more splendidly enjoyed. The Prince did +not inhabit his capital of S---, but, imitating in every respect the +ceremonial of the Court of Versailles, built himself a magnificent +palace at a few leagues from his chief city, and round about his +palace a superb aristocratic town, inhabited entirely by his nobles, +and the officers of his sumptuous Court. The people were rather +hardly pressed, to be sure, in order to keep up this splendour; for +his Highness's dominions were small, and so he wisely lived in a +sort of awful retirement from them, seldom showing his face in his +capital, or seeing any countenances but those of his faithful +domestics and officers. His palace and gardens of Ludwigslust were +exactly on the French model. Twice a week there were Court +receptions, and grand Court galas twice a month. There was the +finest opera out of France, and a ballet unrivalled in splendour; on +which his Highness, a great lover of music and dancing, expended +prodigious sums. It may be because I was then young, but I think I +never saw such an assemblage of brilliant beauty as used to figure +there on the stage of the Court theatre, in the grand mythological +ballets which were then the mode, and in which you saw Mars in red- +heeled pumps and a periwig, and Venus in patches and a hoop. They +say the costume was incorrect, and have changed it since; but for my +part, I have never seen a Venus more lovely than the Coralie, who +was the chief dancer, and found no fault with the attendant nymphs, +in their trains, and lappets, and powder. These operas used to take +place twice a week, after which some great officer of the Court +would have his evening, and his brilliant supper, and the dice-box +rattled everywhere, and all the world played. I have seen seventy +play-tables set out in the grand gallery of Ludwigslust, besides the +faro-bank; where the Duke himself would graciously come and play, +and win or lose with a truly royal splendour. + +It was hither we came after the Mannheim misfortune. The nobility of +the Court were pleased to say our reputation had preceded us, and +the two Irish gentleman were made welcome. The very first night at +Court we lost 740 of our 800 louis; the next evening, at the Court +Marshal's table, I won them back, with 1300 more. You may be sure we +allowed no one to know how near we were to ruin on the first +evening; but, on the contrary, I endeared every one to me by my gay +manner of losing, and the Finance Minister himself cashed a note for +400 ducats, drawn by me upon my steward of Ballybarry Castle in the +kingdom of Ireland; which very note I won from his Excellency the +next day, along with a considerable sum in ready cash. In that noble +Court everybody was a gambler. You would see the lacqueys in the +ducal ante-rooms at work with their dirty packs of cards; the coach +and chair men playing in the court, while their masters were punting +in the saloons above; the very cook-maids and scullions, I was told, +had a bank, where one of them, an Italian confectioner, made a +handsome fortune: he purchased afterwards a Roman marquisate, and +his son has figured as one of the most fashionable of the +illustrious foreigners in London. The poor devils of soldiers played +away their pay when they got it, which was seldom; and I don't +believe there was an officer in any one of the guard regiments but +had his cards in his pouch, and no more forgot his dice than his +sword-knot. Among such fellows it was diamond cut diamond. What you +call fair play would have been a folly. The gentlemen of Ballybarry +would have been fools indeed to appear as pigeons in such a hawk's +nest. None but men of courage and genius could live and prosper in a +society where every one was bold and clever; and here my uncle and I +held our own: ay, and more than our own. + +His Highness the Duke was a widower, or rather, since the death of +the reigning Duchess, had contracted a morganatic marriage with a +lady whom he had ennobled, and who considered it a compliment (such +was the morality of those days) to be called the Northern Dubarry. +He had been married very young, and his son, the Hereditary Prince, +may be said to have been the political sovereign of the State: for +the reigning Duke was fonder of pleasure than of politics, and loved +to talk a great deal more with his grand huntsman, or the director +of his opera, than with ministers and ambassadors. + +The Hereditary Prince, whom I shall call Prince Victor, was of a +very different character from his august father. He had made the +Wars of the Succession and Seven Years with great credit in the +Empress's service, was of a stern character, seldom appeared at +Court, except when ceremony called him, but lived almost alone in +his wing of the palace, where he devoted himself to the severest +studies, being a great astronomer and chemist. He shared in the rage +then common throughout Europe, of hunting for the philosopher's +stone; and my uncle often regretted that he had no smattering of +chemistry, like Balsamo (who called himself Cagliostro), St. +Germain, and other individuals, who had obtained very great sums +from Duke Victor by aiding him in his search after the great secret. +His amusements were hunting and reviewing the troops; but for him, +and if his good-natured father had not had his aid, the army would +have been playing at cards all day, and so it was well that the +prudent prince was left to govern. + +Duke Victor was fifty years of age, and his princess, the Princess +Olivia, was scarce three-and-twenty. They had been married seven +years, and in the first years of their union the Princess had borne +him a son and a daughter. The stern morals and manners, the dark and +ungainly appearance, of the husband, were little likely to please +the brilliant and fascinating young woman, who had been educated in +the south (she was connected with the ducal house of S---), who had +passed two years at Paris under the guardianship of Mesdames the +daughters of His Most Christian Majesty, and who was the life and +soul of the Court of X---, the gayest of the gay, the idol of her +august father-in-law, and, indeed, of the whole Court. She was not +beautiful, but charming; not witty, but charming, too, in her +conversation as in her person. She was extravagant beyond all +measure; so false, that you could not trust her; but her very +weaknesses were more winning than the virtues of other women, her +selfishness more delightful than others' generosity. I never knew a +woman whose faults made her so attractive. She used to ruin people, +and yet they all loved her. My old uncle has seen her cheating at +ombre, and let her win 400 louis without resisting in the least. Her +caprices with the officers and ladies of her household were +ceaseless: but they adored her. She was the only one of the reigning +family whom the people worshipped. She never went abroad but they +followed her carriage with shouts of acclamation: and, to be +generous to them, she would borrow the last penny from one of her +poor maids of honour, whom she would never pay. In the early days +her husband was as much fascinated by her as all the rest of the +world was; but her caprices had caused frightful outbreaks of temper +on his part, and an estrangement which, though interrupted by almost +mad returns of love, was still general. I speak of her Royal +Highness with perfect candour and admiration, although I might be +pardoned for judging her more severely, considering her opinion of +myself. She said the elder Monsieur de Balibari was a finished old +gentleman, and the younger one had the manners of a courier. The +world has given a different opinion, and I can afford to chronicle +this almost single sentence against me. Besides, she had a reason +for her dislike to me, which you shall hear. + +Five years in the army, long experience of the world, had ere now +dispelled any of those romantic notions regarding love with which I +commenced life; and I had determined, as is proper with gentlemen +(it is only your low people who marry for mere affection), to +consolidate my fortunes by marriage. In the course of our +peregrinations, my uncle and I had made several attempts to carry +this object into effect; but numerous disappointments had occurred +which are not worth mentioning here, and had prevented me hitherto +from making such a match as I thought was worthy of a man of my +birth, abilities, and personal appearance. Ladies are not in the +habit of running away on the Continent, as is the custom in England +(a custom whereby many honourable gentlemen of my country have much +benefited!); guardians, and ceremonies, and difficulties of all +kinds intervene; true love is not allowed to have its course, and +poor women cannot give away their honest hearts to the gallant +fellows who have won them. Now it was settlements that were asked +for; now it was my pedigree and title-deeds that were not +satisfactory: though I had a plan and rent-roll of the Ballybarry +estates, and the genealogy of the family up to King Brian Boru, or +Barry, most handsomely designed on paper; now it was a young lady +who was whisked off to a convent just as she was ready to fall into +my arms; on another occasion, when a rich widow of the Low Countries +was about to make me lord of a noble estate in Flanders, comes an +order of the police which drives me out of Brussels at an hour's +notice, and consigns my mourner to her chateau. But at X---I had an +opportunity of playing a great game: and had won it too, but for the +dreadful catastrophe which upset my fortune. + +In the household of the Hereditary Princess there was a lady +nineteen years of age, and possessor of the greatest fortune in the +whole duchy. The Countess Ida, such was her name, was daughter of a +late Minister and favourite of his Highness the Duke of X---and his +Duchess, who had done her the honour to be her sponsors at birth, +and who, at the father's death, had taken her under their august +guardianship and protection. At sixteen she was brought from her +castle, where, up to that period, she had been permitted to reside, +and had been placed with the Princess Olivia, as one of her +Highness's maids of honour. + +The aunt of the Countess Ida, who presided over her house during her +minority, had foolishly allowed her to contract an attachment for +her cousin-german, a penniless sub-lieutenant in one of the Duke's +foot regiments, who had flattered himself to be able to carry off +this rich prize; and if he had not been a blundering silly idiot +indeed, with the advantage of seeing her constantly, of having no +rival near him, and the intimacy attendant upon close kinsmanship, +might easily, by a private marriage, have secured the young Countess +and her possessions. But he managed matters so foolishly, that he +allowed her to leave her retirement, to come to Court for a year, +and take her place in the Princess Olivia's household; and then what +does my young gentleman do, but appear at the Duke's levee one day, +in his tarnished epaulet and threadbare coat, and make an +application in due form to his Highness, as the young lady's +guardian, for the hand of the richest heiress in his dominions! + +The weakness of the good-natured Prince was such that, as the +Countess Ida herself was quite as eager for the match as her silly +cousin, his Highness might have been induced to allow the match, had +not the Princess Olivia been induced to interpose, and to procure +from the Duke a peremptory veto to the hopes of the young man. The +cause of this refusal was as yet unknown; no other suitor for the +young lady's hand was mentioned, and the lovers continued to +correspond, hoping that time might effect a change in his Highness's +resolutions; when, of a sudden, the lieutenant was drafted into one +of the regiments which the Prince was in the habit of selling to the +great powers then at war (this military commerce was a principal +part of his Highness's and other princes' revenues in those days), +and their connection was thus abruptly broken off. + +It was strange that the Princess Olivia should have taken this part +against a young lady who had been her favourite; for, at first, with +those romantic and sentimental notions which almost every woman has, +she had somewhat encouraged the Countess Ida and her penniless +lover, but now suddenly turned against them; and, from loving the +Countess, as she previously had done, pursued her with every manner +of hatred which a woman knows how to inflict: there was no end to +the ingenuity of her tortures, the venom of her tongue, the +bitterness of her sarcasm and scorn. When I first came to Court at +X--, the young fellows there had nicknamed the young lady the Dumme +Grafinn, the stupid Countess. She was generally silent, handsome, +but pale, stolid-looking, and awkward; taking no interest in the +amusements of the place, and appearing in the midst of the feasts as +glum as the death's-head which, they say, the Romans used to have at +their tables. + +It was rumoured that a young gentleman of French extraction, the +Chevalier de Magny, equerry to the Hereditary Prince, and present at +Paris when the Princess Olivia was married to him by proxy there, +was the intended of the rich Countess Ida; but no official +declaration of the kind was yet made, and there were whispers of a +dark intrigue: which, subsequently, received frightful confirmation. + +This Chevalier de Magny was the grandson of an old general officer +in the Duke's service, the Baron de Magny. The Baron's father had +quitted France at the expulsion of Protestants after the revocation +of the edict of Nantes, and taken service in X--, where he died. The +son succeeded him, and, quite unlike most French gentlemen of birth +whom I have known, was a stern and cold Calvinist, rigid in the +performance of his duty, retiring in his manners, mingling little +with the Court, and a close friend and favourite of Duke Victor; +whom he resembled in disposition. + +The Chevalier his grandson was a true Frenchman; he had been born in +France, where his father held a diplomatic appointment in the Duke's +service. He had mingled in the gay society of the most brilliant +Court in the world, and had endless stories to tell us of the +pleasures of the petites maisons, of the secrets of the Parc aux +Cerfs, and of the wild gaieties of Richelieu and his companions. He +had been almost ruined at play, as his father had been before him; +for, out of the reach of the stern old Baron in Germany, both son +and grandson had led the most reckless of lives. He came back from +Paris soon after the embassy which had been despatched thither on +the occasion of the marriage of the Princess, was received sternly +by his old grandfather; who, however, paid his debts once more, and +procured him the post in the Duke's household. The Chevalier de +Magny rendered himself a great favourite of his august master; he +brought with him the modes and the gaieties of Paris; he was the +deviser of all the masquerades and balls, the recruiter of the +ballet-dancers, and by far the most brilliant and splendid young +gentleman of the Court. + +After we had been a few weeks at Ludwigslust, the old Baron de Magny +endeavoured to have us dismissed from the duchy; but his voice was +not strong enough to overcome that of the general public, and the +Chevalier de Magny especially stood our friend with his Highness +when the question was debated before him. The Chevalier's love of +play had not deserted him. He was a regular frequenter of our bank, +where he played for some time with pretty good luck; and where, when +he began to lose, he paid with a regularity surprising to all those +who knew the smallness of his means, and the splendour of his +appearance. + +Her Highness the Princess Olivia was also very fond of play. On +half-a-dozen occasions when we held a bank at Court, I could see her +passion for the game. I could see--that is, my cool-headed old uncle +could see--much more. There was an intelligence between Monsieur de +Magny and this illustrious lady. 'If her Highness be not in love +with the little Frenchman,' my uncle said to me one night after +play, 'may I lose the sight of my last eye!' + +'And what then, sir?' said I. + +'What then?' said my uncle, looking me hard in the face. 'Are you so +green as not to know what then? Your fortune is to be made, if you +choose to back it now; and we may have back the Barry estates in two +years, my boy.' + +'How is that?' asked I, still at a loss. + +My uncle drily said, 'Get Magny to play; never mind his paying: take +his notes of hand. The more he owes the better; but, above all, make +him play.' + +'He can't pay a shilling,' answered I. 'The Jews will not discount +his notes at cent. per cent.' + +'So much the better. You shall see we will make use of them,' +answered the old gentleman. And I must confess that the plan he laid +was a gallant, clever, and fair one. + +I was to make Magny play; in this there was no great difficulty. We +had an intimacy together, for he was a good sportsman as well as +myself, and we came to have a pretty considerable friendship for one +another; if he saw a dice-box it was impossible to prevent him from +handling it; but he took to it as natural as a child does to +sweetmeats. + +At first he won of me; then he began to lose; then I played him +money against some jewels that he brought: family trinkets, he said, +and indeed of considerable value. He begged me, however, not to +dispose of them in the duchy, and I gave and kept my word to him to +this effect. From jewels he got to playing upon promissory notes; +and as they would not allow him to play at the Court tables and in +public upon credit, he was very glad to have an opportunity of +indulging his favourite passion in private. I have had him for hours +at my pavilion (which I had fitted up in the Eastern manner, very +splendid) rattling the dice till it became time to go to his service +at Court, and we would spend day after day in this manner. He +brought me more jewels,--a pearl necklace, an antique emerald breast +ornament, and other trinkets, as a set-off against these losses: for +I need not say that I should not have played with him all this time +had he been winning; but, after about a week, the luck set in +against him, and he became my debtor in a prodigious sum. I do not +care to mention the extent of it; it was such as I never thought the +young man could pay. + +Why, then, did I play for it? Why waste days in private play with a +mere bankrupt, when business seemingly much more profitable was to +be done elsewhere? My reason I boldly confess. I wanted to win from +Monsieur de Magny, not his money, but his intended wife, the +Countess Ida. Who can say that I had not a right to use ANY +stratagem in this matter of love? Or, why say love? I wanted the +wealth of the lady: I loved her quite as much as Magny did; I loved +her quite as much as yonder blushing virgin of seventeen does who +marries an old lord of seventy. I followed the practice of the world +in this; having resolved that marriage should achieve my fortune. + +I used to make Magny, after his losses, give me a friendly letter of +acknowledgment to some such effect as this,-- + +'MY DEAR MONSIEUR DE BALIBARI,--I acknowledge to have lost to you +this day at lansquenet [or picquet, or hazard, as the case may be: I +was master of him at any game that is played] the sum of three +hundred ducats, and shall hold it as a great kindness on your part +if you will allow the debt to stand over until a future day, when +you shall receive payment from your very grateful humble servant.' + +With the jewels he brought me I also took the precaution (but this +was my uncle's idea, and a very good one) to have a sort of invoice, +and a letter begging me to receive the trinkets as so much part +payment of a sum of money he owed me. + +When I had put him in such a position as I deemed favourable to my +intentions, I spoke to him candidly, and without any reserve, as one +man of the world should speak to another. 'I will not, my dear +fellow,' said I, 'pay you so bad a compliment as to suppose that you +expect we are to go on playing at this rate much longer, and that +there is any satisfaction to me in possessing more or less sheets of +paper bearing your signature, and a series of notes of hand which I +know you never can pay. Don't look fierce or angry, for you know +Redmond Barry is your master at the sword; besides, I would not be +such a fool as to fight a man who owes me so much money; but hear +calmly what I have to propose. + +'You have been very confidential to me during our intimacy of the +last month; and I know all your personal affairs completely. You +have given your word of honour to your grandfather never to play +upon parole, and you know how you have kept it, and that he will +disinherit you if he hears the truth. Nay, suppose he dies to- +morrow, his estate is not sufficient to pay the sum in which you are +indebted to me; and, were you to yield me up all, you would be a +beggar, and a bankrupt too. + +'Her Highness the Princess Olivia denies you nothing. I shall not +ask why; but give me leave to say, I was aware of the fact when we +began to play together.' + +'Will you be made baron-chamberlain, with the grand cordon of the +order?' gasped the poor fellow. 'The Princess can do anything with +the Duke.' + +'I shall have no objection,' said I, 'to the yellow riband and the +gold key; though a gentleman of the house of Ballybarry cares little +for the titles of the German nobility. But this is not what I want. +My good Chevalier, you have hid no secrets from me. You have told me +with what difficulty you have induced the Princess Olivia to consent +to the project of your union with the Grafinn Ida, whom you don't +love. I know whom you love very well.' + +'Monsieur de Balibari!' said the discomfited Chevalier; he could get +out no more. The truth began to dawn upon him. + +'You begin to understand,' continued I. 'Her Highness the Princess' +(I said this in a sarcastic way) 'will not be very angry, believe +me, if you break off your connection with the stupid Countess. I am +no more an admirer of that lady than you are; but I want her estate. +I played you for that estate, and have won it; and I will give you +your bills and five thousand ducats on the day I am married to it.' + +'The day _I_ am married to the Countess,' answered the Chevalier, +thinking to have me, 'I will be able to raise money to pay your +claim ten times over' (this was true, for the Countess's property +may have been valued at near half a million of our money); 'and then +I will discharge my obligations to you. Meanwhile, if you annoy me +by threats, or insult me again as you have done, I will use that +influence, which, as you say, I possess, and have you turned out of +the duchy, as you were out of the Netherlands last year.' + +I rang the bell quite quietly. 'Zamor,' said I to a tall negro +fellow habited like a Turk, that used to wait upon me, 'when you +hear the bell ring a second time, you will take this packet to the +Marshal of the Court, this to his Excellency the General de Magny, +and this you will place in the hands of one of the equerries of his +Highness the Hereditary Prince. Wait in the ante-room, and do not go +with the parcels until I ring again.' + +The black fellow having retired, I turned to Monsieur de Magny and +said, 'Chevalier, the first packet contains a letter from you to me, +declaring your solvency, and solemnly promising payment of the sums +you owe me; it is accompanied by a document from myself (for I +expected some resistance on your part), stating that my honour has +been called in question, and begging that the paper may be laid +before your august master his Highness. The second packet is for +your grandfather, enclosing the letter from you in which you state +yourself to be his heir, and begging for a confirmation of the fact. +The last parcel, for his Highness the Hereditary Duke,' added I, +looking most sternly, 'contains the Gustavus Adolphus emerald, which +he gave to his princess, and which you pledged to me as a family +jewel of your own. Your influence with her Highness must be great +indeed,' I concluded, 'when you could extort from her such a jewel +as that, and when you could make her, in order to pay your play- +debts, give up a secret upon which both your heads depend.' + +'Villain!' said the Frenchman, quite aghast with fury and terror, +'would you implicate the Princess?' + +'Monsieur de Magny,' I answered, with a sneer, 'no: I will say YOU +STOLE the jewel.' It was my belief he did, and that the unhappy and +infatuated Princess was never privy to the theft until long after it +had been committed. How we came to know the history of the emerald +is simple enough. As we wanted money (for my occupation with Magny +caused our bank to be much neglected), my uncle had carried Magny's +trinkets to Mannheim to pawn. The Jew who lent upon them knew the +history of the stone in question; and when he asked how her Highness +came to part with it, my uncle very cleverly took up the story where +he found it, said that the Princess was very fond of play, that it +was not always convenient to her to pay, and hence the emerald had +come into our hands. He brought it wisely back with him to S--; and, +as regards the other jewels which the Chevalier pawned to us, they +were of no particular mark: no inquiries have ever been made about +them to this day; and I did not only not know then that they came +from her Highness, but have only my conjectures upon the matter now. + +The unfortunate young gentleman must have had a cowardly spirit, +when I charged him with the theft, not to make use of my two pistols +that were lying by chance before him, and to send out of the world +his accuser and his own ruined self. With such imprudence and +miserable recklessness on his part and that of the unhappy lady who +had forgotten herself for this poor villain, he must have known that +discovery was inevitable. But it was written that this dreadful +destiny should be accomplished: instead of ending like a man, he now +cowered before me quite spirit-broken, and, flinging himself down on +the sofa, burst into tears, calling wildly upon all the saints to +help him: as if they could be interested in the fate of such a +wretch as he! + +I saw that I had nothing to fear from him; and, calling back Zamor +my black, said I would myself carry the parcels, which I returned to +my escritoire; and, my point being thus gained, I acted, as I always +do, generously towards him. I said that, for security's sake, I +should send the emerald out of the country, but that I pledged my +honour to restore it to the Duchess, without any pecuniary +consideration, on the day when she should procure the sovereign's +consent to my union with the Countess Ida. + +This will explain pretty clearly, I flatter myself, the game I was +playing; and, though some rigid moralist may object to its +propriety, I say that anything is fair in love, and that men so poor +as myself can't afford to be squeamish about their means of getting +on in life. The great and rich are welcomed, smiling, up the grand +staircase of the world; the poor but aspiring must clamber up the +wall, or push and struggle up the back stair, or, PARDI, crawl +through any of the conduits of the house, never mind how foul and +narrow, that lead to the top. The unambitious sluggard pretends that +the eminence is not worth attaining, declines altogether the +struggle, and calls himself a philosopher. I say he is a poor- +spirited coward. What is life good for but for honour? and that is +so indispensable, that we should attain it anyhow. + +The manner to be adopted for Magny's retreat was proposed by myself, +and was arranged so as to consult the feelings of delicacy of both +parties. I made Magny take the Countess Ida aside, and say to her, +'Madam, though I have never declared myself your admirer, you and +the Court have had sufficient proof of my regard for you; and my +demand would, I know, have been backed by his Highness, your august +guardian. I know the Duke's gracious wish is, that my attentions +should be received favourably; but, as time has not appeared to +alter your attachment elsewhere, and as I have too much spirit to +force a lady of your name and rank to be united to me against your +will, the best plan is, that I should make you, for form's sake, a +proposal UNauthorised by his Highness: that you should reply, as I +am sorry to think your heart dictates to you, in the negative: on +which I also will formally withdraw from my pursuit of you, stating +that, after a refusal, nothing, not even the Duke's desire, should +induce me to persist in my suit.' + +The Countess Ida almost wept at hearing these words from Monsieur de +Magny, and tears came into her eyes, he said, as she took his hand +for the first time, and thanked him for the delicacy of the +proposal. She little knew that the Frenchman was incapable of that +sort of delicacy, and that the graceful manner in which he withdrew +his addresses was of my invention. + +As soon as he withdrew, it became my business to step forward; but +cautiously and gently, so as not to alarm the lady, and yet firmly, +so as to convince her of the hopelessness of her design of uniting +herself with her shabby lover, the sub-lieutenant. The Princess +Olivia was good enough to perform this necessary part of the plan in +my favour, and solemnly to warn the Countess Ida, that, though +Monsieur de Magny had retired from paying his addresses, his +Highness her guardian would still marry her as he thought fit, and +that she must for ever forget her out-at-elbowed adorer. In fact, I +can't conceive how such a shabby rogue as that could ever have had +the audacity to propose for her: his birth was certainly good; but +what other qualifications had he? + +When the Chevalier de Magny withdrew, numbers of other suitors, you +may be sure, presented themselves; and amongst these your very +humble servant, the cadet of Ballybarry. There was a carrousel, or +tournament, held at this period, in imitation of the antique +meetings of chivalry, in which the chevaliers tilted at each other, +or at the ring; and on this occasion I was habited in a splendid +Roman dress (viz., a silver helmet, a flowing periwig, a cuirass of +gilt leather richly embroidered, a light blue velvet mantle, and +crimson morocco half-boots): and in this habit I rode my bay horse +Brian, carried off three rings, and won the prize over all the +Duke's gentry, and the nobility of surrounding countries who had +come to the show. A wreath of gilded laurel was to be the prize of +the victor, and it was to be awarded by the lady he selected. So I +rode up to the gallery where the Countess Ida was seated behind the +Hereditary Princess, and, calling her name loudly, yet gracefully, +begged to be allowed to be crowned by her, and thus proclaimed +myself to the face of all Germany, as it were, her suitor. She +turned very pale, and the Princess red, I observed; but the Countess +Ida ended by crowning me: after which, putting spurs into my horse, +I galloped round the ring, saluting his Highness the Duke at the +opposite end, and performing the most wonderful exercises with my +bay. + +My success did not, as you may imagine, increase my popularity with +the young gentry. They called me adventurer, bully, dice-loader, +impostor, and a hundred pretty names; but I had a way of silencing +these gentry. I took the Count de Schmetterling, the richest and +bravest of the young men who seemed to have a hankering for the +Countess Ida, and publicly insulted him at the ridotto; flinging my +cards into his face. The next day I rode thirty-five miles into the +territory of the Elector of B----, and met Monsieur de +Schmetterling, and passed my sword twice through his body; then rode +back with my second, the Chevalier de Magny, and presented myself at +the Duchess's whist that evening. Magny was very unwilling to +accompany me at first; but I insisted upon his support, and that he +should countenance my quarrel. Directly after paying my homage to +her Highness, I went up to the Countess Ida, and made her a marked +and low obeisance, gazing at her steadily in the face until she grew +crimson red; and then staring round at every man who formed her +circle, until, MA FOI, I stared them all away. I instructed Magny to +say, everywhere, that the Countess was madly in love with me; which +commission, along with many others of mine, the poor devil was +obliged to perform. He made rather a SOTTE FIGURE, as the French +say, acting the pioneer for me, praising me everywhere, accompanying +me always! he who had been the pink of the MODE until my arrival; he +who thought his pedigree of beggarly Barons of Magny was superior to +the race of great Irish kings from which I descended; who had +sneered at me a hundred times as a spadassin, a deserter, and had +called me a vulgar Irish upstart. Now I had my revenge of the +gentleman, and took it too. + +I used to call him, in the choicest societies, by his Christian name +of Maxime. I would say, 'Bon jour, Maxime; comment vas-TU?' in the +Princess's hearing, and could see him bite his lips for fury and +vexation. But I had him under my thumb, and her Highness too--I, +poor private of Bulow's regiment. And this is a proof of what genius +and perseverance can do, and should act as a warning to great people +never to have SECRETS--if they can help it. + +I knew the Princess hated me; but what did I care? She knew I knew +all: and indeed, I believe, so strong was her prejudice against me, +that she thought I was an indelicate villain, capable of betraying a +lady, which I would scorn to do; so that she trembled before me as a +child before its schoolmaster. She would, in her woman's way, too, +make all sorts of jokes and sneers at me on reception days; ask +about my palace in Ireland, and the kings my ancestors, and whether, +when I was a private in Bulow's foot, my royal relatives had +interposed to rescue me, and whether the cane was smartly +administered there,--anything to mortify me. But, Heaven bless you! +I can make allowances for people, and used to laugh in her face. +Whilst her jibes and jeers were continuing, it was my pleasure to +look at poor Magny and see how HE bore them. The poor devil was +trembling lest I should break out under the Princess's sarcasm and +tell all; but my revenge was, when the Princess attacked me, to say +something bitter to HIM,--to pass it on, as boys do at school. And +THAT was the thing which used to make her Highness feel. She would +wince just as much when I attacked Magny as if I had been saying +anything rude to herself. And, though she hated me, she used to beg +my pardon in private; and though her pride would often get the +better of her, yet her prudence obliged this magnificent princess to +humble herself to the poor penniless Irish boy. + +As soon as Magny had formally withdrawn from the Countess Ida, the +Princess took the young lady into favour again, and pretended to be +very fond of her. To do them justice, I don't know which of the two +disliked me most,--the Princess, who was all eagerness, and fire, +and coquetry; or the Countess, who was all state and splendour. The +latter, especially, pretended to be disgusted by me: and yet, after +all, I have pleased her betters; was once one of the handsomest men +in Europe, and would defy any heyduc of the Court to measure a chest +or a leg with me: but I did not care for any of her silly +prejudices, and determined to win her and wear her in spite of +herself. Was it on account of her personal charms or qualities? No. +She was quite white, thin, short-sighted, tall, and awkward, and my +taste is quite the contrary; and as for her mind, no wonder that a +poor creature who had a hankering after a wretched ragged ensign +could never appreciate ME. It was her estate I made love to; as for +herself, it would be a reflection on my taste as a man of fashion to +own that I liked her. + +CHAPTER XI + +IN WHICH THE LUCK GOES AGAINST BARRY + +My hopes of obtaining the hand of one of the richest heiresses in +Germany were now, as far as all human probability went, and as far +as my own merits and prudence could secure my fortune, pretty +certain of completion. I was admitted whenever I presented myself at +the Princess's apartments, and had as frequent opportunities as I +desired of seeing the Countess Ida there. I cannot say that she +received me with any particular favour; the silly young creature's +affections were, as I have said, engaged ignobly elsewhere; and, +however captivating my own person and manners may have been, it was +not to be expected that she should all of a sudden forget her lover +for the sake of the young Irish gentleman who was paying his +addresses to her. But such little rebuffs as I got were far from +discouraging me. I had very powerful friends, who were to aid me in +my undertaking; and knew that, sooner or later, the victory must be +mine. In fact, I only waited my time to press my suit. Who could +tell the dreadful stroke of fortune which was impending over my +illustrious protectress, and which was to involve me partially in +her ruin? + +All things seemed for a while quite prosperous to my wishes; and in +spite of the Countess Ida's disinclination, it was much easier to +bring her to her senses than, perhaps, may be supposed in a silly +constitutional country like England, where people are not brought up +with those wholesome sentiments of obedience to Royalty which were +customary in Europe at the time when I was a young man. + +I have stated how, through Magny, I had the Princess, as it were, at +my feet. Her Highness had only to press the match upon the old Duke, +over whom her influence was unbounded, and to secure the goodwill of +the Countess of Liliengarten, (which was the romantic title of his +Highness's morganatic spouse), and the easy old man would give an +order for the marriage: which his ward would perforce obey. Madame +de Liliengarten was, too, from her position, extremely anxious to +oblige the Princess Olivia; who might be called upon any day to +occupy the throne. The old Duke was tottering, apoplectic, and +exceedingly fond of good living. When he was gone, his relict would +find the patronage of the Duchess Olivia most necessary to her. +Hence there was a close mutual understanding between the two ladies; +and the world said that the Hereditary Princess was already indebted +to the favourite for help on various occasions. Her Highness had +obtained, through the Countess, several large grants of money for +the payment of her multifarious debts; and she was now good enough +to exert her gracious influence over Madame de Liliengarten in order +to obtain for me the object so near my heart. It is not to be +supposed that my end was to be obtained without continual +unwillingness and refusals on Magny's part; but I pushed my point +resolutely, and had means in my hands of overcoming the stubbornness +of that feeble young gentleman. Also, I may say, without vanity, +that if the high and mighty Princess detested me, the Countess +(though she was of extremely low origin, it is said) had better +taste and admired me. She often did us the honour to go partners +with us in one of our faro-banks, and declared that I was the +handsomest man in the duchy. All I was required to prove was my +nobility, and I got at Vienna such a pedigree as would satisfy the +most greedy in that way. In fact, what had a man descended from the +Barrys and the Bradys to fear before any VON in Germany? By way of +making assurance doubly sure, I promised Madame de Liliengarten ten +thousand louis on the day of my marriage, and she knew that as a +play-man I had never failed in my word: and I vow, that had I paid +fifty per cent. for it, I would have got the money. + +Thus by my talents, honesty, and acuteness, I had, considering I was +a poor patronless outcast, raised for myself very powerful +protectors. Even his Highness the Duke Victor was favourably +inclined to me; for, his favourite charger falling ill of the +staggers, I gave him a ball such as my uncle Brady used to +administer, and cured the horse; after which his Highness was +pleased to notice me frequently. He invited me to his hunting and +shooting parties, where I showed myself to be a good sportsman; and +once or twice he condescended to talk to me about my prospects in +life, lamenting that I had taken to gambling, and that I had not +adopted a more regular means of advancement. 'Sir,' said I, 'if you +will allow me to speak frankly to your Highness, play with me is +only a means to an end. Where should I have been without it? A +private still in King Frederick's grenadiers. I come of a race which +gave princes to my country; but persecutions have deprived them of +their vast possessions. My uncle's adherence to his ancient faith +drove him from our country. I too resolved to seek advancement in +the military service; but the insolence and ill-treatment which I +received at the hands of the English were not bearable by a high- +born gentleman, and I fled their service. It was only to fall into +another bondage to all appearance still more hopeless; when my good +star sent a preserver to me in my uncle, and my spirit and gallantry +enabled me to take advantage of the means of escape afforded me. +Since then we have lived, I do not disguise it, by play; but who can +say I have done him a wrong? Yet, if I could find myself in an +honourable post, and with an assured maintenance, I would never, +except for amusement, such as every gentleman must have, touch a +card again. I beseech your Highness to inquire of your resident at +Berlin if I did not on every occasion act as a gallant soldier. I +feel that I have talents of a higher order, and should be proud to +have occasion to exert them; if, as I do not doubt, my fortune shall +bring them into play.' + +The candour of this statement struck his Highness greatly, and +impressed him in my favour, and he was pleased to say that he +believed me, and would be glad to stand my friend. + +Having thus the two Dukes, the Duchess, and the reigning favourite +enlisted on my side, the chances certainly were that I should carry +off the great prize; and I ought, according to all common +calculations, to have been a Prince of the Empire at this present +writing, but that my ill luck pursued me in a matter in which I was +not the least to blame,--the unhappy Duchess's attachment to the +weak, silly, cowardly Frenchman. The display of this love was +painful to witness, as its end was frightful to think of. The +Princess made no disguise of it. If Magny spoke a word to a lady of +her household, she would be jealous, and attack with all the fury of +her tongue the unlucky offender. She would send him a half-dozen of +notes in the day: at his arrival to join her circle or the courts +which she held, she would brighten up, so that all might perceive. +It was a wonder that her husband had not long ere this been made +aware of her faithlessness; but the Prince Victor was himself of so +high and stern a nature that he could not believe in her stooping so +far from her rank as to forget her virtue: and I have heard say, +that when hints were given to him of the evident partiality which +the Princess showed for the equerry, his answer was a stern command +never more to be troubled on the subject. 'The Princess is light- +minded,' he said; 'she was brought up at a frivolous Court; but her +folly goes not beyond coquetry: crime is impossible; she has her +birth, and my name, and her children, to defend her.' And he would +ride off to his military inspections and be absent for weeks, or +retire to his suite of apartments, and remain closeted there whole +days; only appearing to make a bow at her Highness's LEVEE, or to +give her his hand at the Court galas, where ceremony required that +he should appear. He was a man of vulgar tastes, and I have seen him +in the private garden, with his great ungainly figure, running +races, or playing at ball with his little son and daughter, whom he +would find a dozen pretexts daily for visiting. The serene children +were brought to their mother every morning at her toilette; but she +received them very indifferently: except on one occasion, when the +young Duke Ludwig got his little uniform as colonel of hussars, +being presented with a regiment by his godfather the Emperor +Leopold. Then, for a day or two, the Duchess Olivia was charmed with +the little boy; but she grew tired of him speedily, as a child does +of a toy. I remember one day, in the morning circle, some of the +Princess's rouge came off on the arm of her son's little white +military jacket; on which she slapped the poor child's face, and +sent him sobbing away. Oh, the woes that have been worked by women +in this world! the misery into which men have lightly stepped with +smiling faces; often not even with the excuse of passion, but from +mere foppery, vanity, and bravado! Men play with these dreadful two- +edged tools, as if no harm could come to them. I, who have seen more +of life than most men, if I had a son, would go on my knees to him +and beg him to avoid woman, who is worse than poison. Once intrigue, +and your whole life is endangered: you never know when the evil may +fall upon you; and the woe of whole families, and the ruin of +innocent people perfectly dear to you, may be caused by a moment of +your folly. + +When I saw how entirely lost the unlucky Monsieur de Magny seemed to +be, in spite of ail the claims I had against him, I urged him to +fly. He had rooms in the palace, in the garrets over the Princess's +quarters (the building was a huge one, and accommodated almost a +city of noble retainers of the family); but the infatuated young +fool would not budge, although he had not even the excuse of love +for staying. 'How she squints,' he would say of the Princess, 'and +how crooked she is! She thinks no one can perceive her deformity. +She writes me verses out of Gresset or Crebillon, and fancies I +believe them to be original. Bah! they are no more her own than her +hair is!' It was in this way that the wretched lad was dancing over +the ruin that was yawning under him. I do believe that his chief +pleasure in making love to the Princess was, that he might write +about his victories to his friends of the PETITES MAISONS at Paris, +where he longed to be considered as a wit and a VAINQUEUR DE DAMES. + +Seeing the young man's recklessness, and the danger of his position, +I became very anxious that MY little scheme should be brought to a +satisfactory end, and pressed him warmly on the matter. + +My solicitations with him were, I need not say, from the nature of +the connection between us, generally pretty successful; and, in +fact, the poor fellow could REFUSE ME NOTHING: as I used often +laughingly to say to him, very little to his liking. But I used more +than threats, or the legitimate influence I had over him. I used +delicacy and generosity; as a proof of which, I may mention that I +promised to give back to the Princess the family emerald, which I +mentioned in the last chapter that I had won from her unprincipled +admirer at play. + +This was done by my uncle's consent, and was one of the usual acts +of prudence and foresight which distinguish that clever man. "Press +the matter now, Redmond my boy," he would urge. "This affair between +her Highness and Magny must end ill for both of them, and that soon; +and where will be your chance to win the Countess then? Now is your +time! win her and wear her before the month is over, and we will +give up the punting business, and go live like noblemen at our +castle in Swabia. Get rid of that emerald, too," he added: "should +an accident happen, it will be an ugly deposit found in our hand." +This it was that made me agree to forego the possession of the +trinket; which, I must confess, I was loth to part with. It was +lucky for us both that I did: as you shall presently hear. + +Meanwhile, then, I urged Magny: I myself spoke strongly to the +Countess of Liliengarten, who promised formally to back my claim +with his Highness the reigning Duke; and Monsieur de Magny was +instructed to induce the Princess Olivia to make a similar +application to the old sovereign in my behalf. It was done. The two +ladies urged the Prince; his Highness (at a supper of oysters and +champagne) was brought to consent, and her Highness the Hereditary +Princess did me the honour of notifying personally to the Countess +Ida that it was the Prince's will that she should marry the young +Irish nobleman, the Chevalier Redmond de Balibari. The notification +was made in my presence; and though the young Countess said 'Never!' +and fell down in a swoon at her lady's feet, I was, you may be sure, +entirely unconcerned at this little display of mawkish sensibility, +and felt, indeed, now that my prize was secure. + +That evening I gave the Chevalier de Magny the emerald, which he +promised to restore to the Princess; and now the only difficulty in +my way lay with the Hereditary Prince, of whom his father, his wife, +and the favourite, were alike afraid. He might not be disposed to +allow the richest heiress in his duchy to be carried off by a noble, +though not a wealthy foreigner. Time was necessary in order to break +the matter to Prince Victor. The Princess must find him at some +moment of good-humour. He had days of infatuation still, when he +could refuse his wife nothing; and our plan was to wait for one of +these, or for any other chance which might occur. + +But it was destined that the Princess should never see her husband +at her feet, as often as he had been. Fate was preparing a terrible +ending to her follies, and my own hope. In spite of his solemn +promises to me, Magny never restored the emerald to the Princess +Olivia. + +He had heard, in casual intercourse with me, that my uncle and I had +been beholden to Mr. Moses Lowe, the banker of Heidelberg, who had +given us a good price for our valuables; and the infatuated young +man took a pretext to go thither, and offered the jewel for pawn. +Moses Lowe recognised the emerald at once, gave Magny the sum the +latter demanded, which the Chevalier lost presently at play: never, +you may be sure, acquainting us with the means by which he had made +himself master of so much capital. We, for our parts, supposed that +he had been supplied by his usual banker, the Princess: and many +rouleaux of his gold pieces found their way into our treasury, when +at the Court galas, at our own lodgings, or at the apartments of +Madame de Liliengarten (who on these occasions did us the honour to +go halves with us) we held our bank of faro. + +Thus Magny's money was very soon gone. But though the Jew held his +jewel, of thrice the value no doubt of the sums he had lent upon it, +that was not all the profit which he intended to have from his +unhappy creditor; over whom he began speedily to exercise his +authority. His Hebrew connections at X--, money-brokers, bankers, +horse-dealers, about the Court there, must have told their +Heidelberg brother what Magny's relations with the Princess were; +and the rascal determined to take advantage of these, and to press +to the utmost both victims. My uncle and I were, meanwhile, swimming +upon the high tide of fortune, prospering with our cards, and with +the still greater matrimonial game which we were playing; and we +were quite unaware of the mine under our feet. + +Before a month was passed, the Jew began to pester Magny. He +presented himself at X--, and asked for further interest-hush-money; +otherwise he must sell the emerald. Magny got money for him; the +Princess again befriended her dastardly lover. The success of the +first demand only rendered the second more exorbitant. I know not +how much money was extorted and paid on this unluckly emerald: but +it was the cause of the ruin of us all. + +One night we were keeping our table as usual at the Countess of +Liliengarten's, and Magny being in cash somehow, kept drawing out +rouleau after rouleau, and playing with his common ill success. In +the middle of the play a note was brought into him, which he read, +and turned very pale on perusing; but the luck was against him, and +looking up rather anxiously at the clock, he waited for a few more +turns of the cards, when having, I suppose, lost his last rouleau, he +got up with a wild oath that scared some of the polite company +assembled, and left the room. A great trampling of horses was heard +without; but we were too much engaged with our business to heed +the noise, and continued our play. + +Presently some one came into the play-room and said to the Countess, +'Here is a strange story! A Jew has been murdered in the Kaiserwald. +Magny was arrested when he went out of the room.' All the party +broke up on hearing this strange news, and we shut up our bank for +the night. Magny had been sitting by me during the play (my uncle +dealt and I paid and took the money), and, looking under the chair, +there was a crumpled paper, which I took up and read. It was that +which had been delivered to him, and ran thus:- + +'If you have done it, take the orderly's horse who brings this. It +is the best of my stable. There are a hundred louis in each holster, +and the pistols are loaded. Either course lies open to you if you +know what I mean. In a quarter of an hour I shall know our fate-- +whether I am to be dishonoured and survive you, whether you are +guilty and a coward, or whether you are still worthy of the name of + + 'M.' + +This was in the handwriting of the old General de Magny; and my +uncle and I, as we walked home at night, having made and divided +with the Countess Liliengarten no inconsiderable profits that night, +felt our triumphs greatly dashed by the perusal of the letter. 'Has +Magny,' we asked, 'robbed the Jew, or has his intrigue been +discovered?' In either case, my claims on the Countess Ida were +likely to meet with serious drawbacks: and I began to feel that my +'great card' was played and perhaps lost. + +Well, it WAS lost: though I say, to this day, it was well and +gallantly played. After supper (which we never for fear of +consequences took during play) I became so agitated in my mind as to +what was occurring that I determined to sally out about midnight +into the town, and inquire what was the real motive of Magny's +apprehension. A sentry was at the door, and signified to me that I +and my uncle were under arrest. + +We were left in our quarters for six weeks, so closely watched that +escape was impossible, had we desired it; but, as innocent men, we +had nothing to fear. Our course of life was open to all, and we +desired and courted inquiry. Great and tragical events happened +during those six weeks; of which, though we heard the outline, as +all Europe did, when we were released from our captivity, we were +yet far from understanding all the particulars, which were not much +known to me for many years after. Here they are, as they were told +me by the lady, who of all the world perhaps was most likely to know +them. But the narrative had best form the contents of another +chapter. + +CHAPTER XII + +TRAGICAL HISTORY OF PRINCESS OF X---- + +More than twenty years after the events described in the past +chapters, I was walking with my Lady Lyndon in the Rotunda at +Ranelagh. It was in the year 1790; the emigration from France had +already commenced, the old counts and marquises were thronging to +our shores: not starving and miserable, as one saw them a few years +afterwards, but unmolested as yet, and bringing with them some token +of their national splendour. I was walking with Lady Lyndon, who, +proverbially jealous and always anxious to annoy me, spied out a +foreign lady who was evidently remarking me, and of course asked who +was the hideous fat Dutchwoman who was leering at me so? I knew her +not in the least. I felt I had seen the lady's face somewhere (it +was now, as my wife said, enormously fat and bloated); but I did not +recognise in the bearer of that face one who had been among the most +beautiful women in Germany in her day. + +It was no other than Madame de Liliengarten, the mistress, or as +some said the morganatic wife, of the old Duke of X----, Duke +Victor's father. She had left X----a few months after the elder +Duke's demise, had gone to Paris, as I heard, where some +unprincipled adventurer had married her for her money; but, however, +had always retained her quasi-royal title, and pretended, amidst the +great laughter of the Parisians who frequented her house, to the +honours and ceremonial of a sovereign's widow. She had a throne +erected in her state-room, and was styled by her servants and those +who wished to pay court to her, or borrow money from her, 'Altesse.' +Report said she drank rather copiously--certainly her face bore +every mark of that habit, and had lost the rosy, frank, good- +humoured beauty which had charmed the sovereign who had ennobled +her. + +Although she did not address me in the circle at Ranelagh, I was at +this period as well known as the Prince of Wales, and she had no +difficulty in finding my house in Berkeley Square; whither a note +was next morning despatched to me. 'An old friend of Monsieur de +Balibari,' it stated (in extremely bad French), 'is anxious to see +the Chevalier again and to talk over old happy times. Rosina de +Liliengarten (can it be that Redmond Balibari has forgotten her?) +will be at her house in Leicester Fields all the morning, looking +for one who would never have passed her by TWENTY YEARS ago.' + +Rosina of Liliengarten it was indeed--such a full-blown Rosina I +have seldom seen. I found her in a decent first-floor in Leicester +Fields (the poor soul fell much lower afterwards) drinking tea, +which had somehow a very strong smell of brandy in it; and after +salutations, which would be more tedious to recount than they were +to perform, and after further straggling conversation, she gave me +briefly the following narrative of the events in X----, which I may +well entitle the 'Princess's Tragedy.' + +'You remember Monsieur de Geldern, the Police Minister. He was of +Dutch extraction, and, what is more, of a family of Dutch Jews. +Although everybody was aware of this blot in his scutcheon, he was +mortally angry if ever his origin was suspected; and made up for his +fathers' errors by outrageous professions of religion, and the most +austere practices of devotion. He visited church every morning, +confessed once a week, and hated Jews and Protestants as much as an +inquisitor could do. He never lost an opportunity of proving his +sincerity, by persecuting one or the other whenever occasion fell in +his way. + +'He hated the Princess mortally; for her Highness in some whim had +insulted him with his origin, caused pork to be removed from before +him at table, or injured him in some such silly way; and he had a +violent animosity to the old Baron de Magny, both in his capacity of +Protestant, and because the latter in some haughty mood had publicly +turned his back upon him as a sharper and a spy. Perpetual quarrels +were taking place between them in council; where it was only the +presence of his august masters that restrained the Baron from +publicly and frequently expressing the contempt which he felt for +the officer of police. + +'Thus Geldern had hatred as one reason for ruining the Princess, and +it is my belief he had a stronger motive still--interest. You +remember whom the Duke married, after the death of his first wife?-- +a princess of the house of F----. Geldern built his fine palace two +years after, and, as I feel convinced, with the money which was paid +to him by the F----family for forwarding the match. + +'To go to Prince Victor, and report to his Highness a case which +everybody knew, was not by any means Geldern's desire. He knew the +man would be ruined for ever in the Prince's estimation who carried +him intelligence so disastrous. His aim, therefore, was to leave the +matter to explain itself to his Highness; and, when the time was +ripe, he cast about for a means of carrying his point. He had spies +in the houses of the elder and younger Magny; but this you know, of +course, from your experience of Continental customs. We had all +spies over each other. Your black (Zamor, I think, was his name) +used to give me reports every morning; and I used to entertain the +dear old Duke with stories of you and your uncle practising picquet +and dice in the morning, and with your quarrels and intrigues. We +levied similar contributions on everybody in X----, to amuse the +dear old man. Monsieur de Magny's valet used to report both to me +and Monsieur de Geldern. + +'I knew of the fact of the emerald being in pawn; and it was out of +my exchequer that the poor Princess drew the funds which were spent +upon the odious Lowe, and the still more worthless young Chevalier. +How the Princess could trust the latter as she persisted in doing, +is beyond my comprehension; but there is no infatuation like that of +a woman in love: and you will remark, my dear Monsieur de Balibari, +that our sex generally fix upon a bad man.' + +'Not always, madam,' I interposed; 'your humble servant has created +many such attachments.' + +'I do not see that that affects the truth of the proposition,' said +the old lady drily, and continued her narrative. 'The Jew who held +the emerald had had many dealings with the Princess, and at last was +offered a bribe of such magnitude, that he determined to give up the +pledge. He committed the inconceivable imprudence of bringing the +emerald with him to X----, and waited on Magny, who was provided by +the Princess with money to redeem the pledge, and was actually ready +to pay it.' + +'Their interview took place in Magny's own apartments, when his +valet overheard every word of their conversation. The young man, who +was always utterly careless of money when it was in his possession, +was so easy in offering it, that Lowe rose in his demands, and had +the conscience to ask double the sum for which he had previously +stipulated. + +'At this the Chevalier lost all patience, fell on the wretch and was +for killing him; when the opportune valet rushed in and saved him. +The man had heard every word of the conversation between the +disputants, and the Jew ran flying with terror into his arms; and +Magny, a quick and passionate, but not a violent man, bade the +servant lead the villain downstairs, and thought no more of him. + +'Perhaps he was not sorry to be rid of him, and to have in his +possession a large sum of money, four thousand ducats, with which he +could tempt fortune once more; as you know he did at your table that +night.' + +'Your ladyship went halves, madam,' said I; 'and you know how little +I was the better for my winnings.' + +'The man conducted the trembling Israelite out of the palace, and no +sooner had seen him lodged at the house of one of his brethren, +where he was accustomed to put up, than he went away to the office +of his Excellency the Minister of Police, and narrated every word of +the conversation which had taken place between the Jew and his +master. + +'Geldern expressed the greatest satisfaction at his spy's prudence +and fidelity. He gave him a purse of twenty ducats, and promised to +provide for him handsomely: as great men do sometimes promise to +reward their instruments; but you, Monsieur de Balibari, know how +seldom those promises are kept. "Now, go and find out," said +Monsieur de Geldern, "at what time the Israelite proposes to return +home again, or whether he will repent and take the money." The man +went on this errand. Meanwhile, to make matters sure, Geldern +arranged a play-party at my house, inviting you thither with your +bank, as you may remember; and finding means, at the same time, to +let Maxime de Magny know that there was to be faro at Madame de +Liliengarten's. It was an invitation the poor fellow never +neglected.' + +I remembered the facts, and listened on, amazed at the artifice of +the infernal Minister of Police. + +'The spy came back from his message to Lowe, and stated that he had +made inquiries among the servants of the house where the Heidelberg +banker lodged, and that it was the latter's intention to leave X---- +that afternoon. He travelled by himself, riding an old horse, +exceedingly humbly attired, after the manner of his people. + +'"Johann," said the Minister, clapping the pleased spy upon the +shoulder, "I am more and more pleased with you. I have been +thinking, since you left me, of your intelligence, and the faithful +manner in which you have served me; and shall soon find an occasion +to place you according to your merits. Which way does this +Israelitish scoundrel take?" + +'"He goes to R----to-night." + +'"And must pass by the Kaiserwald. Are you a man of courage, Johann +Kerner?" + +'"Will your Excellency try me?" said the man, his eyes glittering: +"I served through the Seven Years' War, and was never known to fail +there." + +'"Now, listen. The emerald must be taken from that Jew: in the very +keeping it the scoundrel has committed high treason. To the man who +brings me that emerald I swear I will give five hundred louis. You +understand why it is necessary that it should be restored to her +Highness. I need say no more." + +'"You shall have it to-night, sir," said the man. "Of course your +Excellency will hold me harmless in case of accident." + +'"Psha!" answered the Minister; "I will pay you half the money +beforehand; such is my confidence in you. Accident's impossible if +you take your measures properly. There are four leagues of wood; the +Jew rides slowly. It will be night before he can reach, let us say, +the old Powder-Mill in the wood. What's to prevent you from putting +a rope across the road, and dealing with him there? Be back with me +this evening at supper. If you meet any of the patrol, say 'foxes +are loose,'--that's the word for to-night. They will let you pass +them without questions." + +'The man went off quite charmed with his commission; and when Magny +was losing his money at our faro-table, his servant waylaid the Jew +at the spot named the Powder-Mill, in the Kaiserwald. The Jew's +horse stumbled over a rope which had been placed across the road; +and, as the rider fell groaning to the ground, Johann Kerner rushed +out on him, masked, and pistol in hand, and demanded his money. He +had no wish to kill the Jew, I believe, unless his resistance should +render extreme measures necessary. + +'Nor did he commit any such murder; for, as the yelling Jew roared +for mercy, and his assailant menaced him with a pistol, a squad of +patrol came up, and laid hold of the robber and the wounded man. + +'Kerner swore an oath. "You have come too soon," said he to the +sergeant of the police. "FOXES ARE LOOSE." "Some are caught," said +the sergeant, quite unconcerned; and bound the fellow's hands with +the rope which he had stretched across the road to entrap the Jew. +He was placed behind a policeman on a horse; Lowe was similarly +accommodated, and the party thus came back into the town as the +night fell. 'They were taken forthwith to the police quarter; and, +as the chief happened to be there, they were examined by his +Excellency in person. Both were rigorously searched; the Jew's +papers and cases taken from him: the jewel was found in a private +pocket. As for the spy, the Minister, looking at him angrily, said, +"Why, this is the servant of the Chevalier de Magny, one of her +Highness's equerries!" and without hearing a word in exculpation +from the poor frightened wretch, ordered him into close confinement. + +'Calling for his horse, he then rode to the Prince's apartments at +the palace, and asked for an instant audience. When admitted, he +produced the emerald. "This jewel," said he, "has been found on the +person of a Heidelberg Jew, who has been here repeatedly of late, +and has had many dealings with her Highness's equerry, the Chevalier +de Magny. This afternoon the Chevalier's servant came from his +master's lodgings, accompanied by the Hebrew; was heard to make +inquiries as to the route the man intended to take on his way +homewards; followed him, or preceded him rather, and was found in +the act of rifling his victim by my police in the Kaiserwald. The +man will confess nothing; but, on being searched, a large sum in +gold was found on his person; and though it is with the utmost pain +that I can bring myself to entertain such an opinion, and to +implicate a gentleman of the character and name of Monsieur de +Magny, I do submit that our duty is to have the Chevalier examined +relative to the affair. As Monsieur de Magny is in her Highness's +private service, and in her confidence I have heard, I would not +venture to apprehend him without your Highness's permission." + +'The Prince's Master of the Horse, a friend of the old Baron de +Magny, who was present at the interview, no sooner heard the strange +intelligence than he hastened away to the old general with the +dreadful news of his grandson's supposed crime. Perhaps his Highness +himself was not unwilling that his old friend and tutor in arms +should have the chance of saving his family from disgrace; at all +events, Monsieur de Hengst, the Master of the Horse, was permitted +to go off to the Baron undisturbed, and break to him the +intelligence of the accusation pending over the unfortunate +Chevalier. + +'It is possible that he expected some such dreadful catastrophe, +for, after hearing Hengst's narrative (as the latter afterwards told +me), he only said, "Heaven's will be done!" for some time refused to +stir a step in the matter, and then only by the solicitation of his +friend was induced to write the letter which Maxime de Magny +received at our play-table. + +'Whilst he was there, squandering the Princess's money, a police +visit was paid to his apartments, and a hundred proofs, not of his +guilt with respect to the robbery, but of his guilty connection with +the Princess, were discovered there,--tokens of her giving, +passionate letters from her, copies of his own correspondence to his +young friends at Paris,--all of which the Police Minister perused, +and carefully put together under seal for his Highness, Prince +Victor. I have no doubt he perused them, for, on delivering them to +the Hereditary Prince, Geldern said that, IN OBEDIENCE TO HIS +HIGHNESS'S ORDERS, he had collected the Chevalier's papers; but he +need not say that, on his honour, he (Geldern) himself had never +examined the documents. His difference with Messieurs de Magny was +known; he begged his Highness to employ any other official person in +the judgment of the accusation brought against the young Chevalier. + +'All these things were going on while the Chevalier was at play. A +run of luck--you had great luck in those days, Monsieur de Balibari-- +was against him. He stayed and lost his 4000 ducats. He received +his uncle's note, and such was the infatuation of the wretched +gambler, that, on receipt of it, he went down to the courtyard, +where the horse was in waiting, absolutely took the money which the +poor old gentleman had placed in the saddle-holsters, brought it +upstairs, played it, and lost it; and when he issued from the room +to fly, it was too late: he was placed in arrest at the bottom of my +staircase, as you were upon entering your own home. + +'Even when he came in under the charge of the soldiery sent to +arrest him, the old General, who was waiting, was overjoyed to see +him, and flung himself into the lad's arms, and embraced him: it was +said, for the first time in many years. "He is here, gentlemen," he +sobbed out,--"thank God he is not guilty of the robbery!" and then +sank back in a chair in a burst of emotion; painful, it was said by +those present, to witness on the part of a man so brave, and known +to be so cold and stern. + +'"Robbery!" said the young man. "I swear before Heaven I am guilty +of none!" and a scene of almost touching reconciliation passed +between them, before the unhappy young man was led from the guard- +house into the prison which he was destined never to quit. + +'That night the Duke looked over the papers which Geldern had +brought to him. It was at a very early stage of the perusal, no +doubt, that he gave orders for your arrest; for you were taken at +midnight, Magny at ten o'clock; after which time the old Baron de +Magny had seen his Highness, protesting of his grandson's innocence, +and the Prince had received him most graciously and kindly. His +Highness said he had no doubt the young man was innocent; his birth +and his blood rendered such a crime impossible; but suspicion was +too strong against him: he was known to have been that day closeted +with the Jew; to have received a very large sum of money which he +squandered at play, and of which the Hebrew had, doubtless, been the +lender,--to have despatched his servant after him, who inquired the +hour of the Jew's departure, lay in wait for him, and rifled him. +Suspicion was so strong against the Chevalier, that common justice +required his arrest; and, meanwhile, until he cleared himself, he +should be kept in not dishonourable durance, and every regard had +for his name, and the services of his honourable grandfather. With +this assurance, and with a warm grasp of the hand, the Prince left +old General de Magny that night; and the veteran retired to rest +almost consoled, and confident in Maxime's eventual and immediate +release. + +'But in the morning, before daybreak, the Prince, who had been +reading papers all night, wildly called to the page, who slept in +the next room across the door, bade him get horses, which were +always kept in readiness in the stables, and, flinging a parcel of +letters into a box, told the page to follow him on horseback with +these. The young man (Monsieur de Weissenborn) told this to a young +lady who was then of my household, and who is now Madame de +Weissenborn, and a mother of a score of children. + +'The page described that never was such a change seen as in his +august master in the course of that single night. His eyes were +bloodshot, his face livid, his clothes were hanging loose about him, +and he who had always made his appearance on parade as precisely +dressed as any sergeant of his troops, might have been seen +galloping through the lonely streets at early dawn without a hat, +his unpowdered hair streaming behind him like a madman. + +'The page, with the box of papers, clattered after his master,--it +was no easy task to follow him; and they rode from the palace to the +town, and through it to the General's quarter. The sentinels at the +door were scared at the strange figure that rushed up to the +General's gate, and, not knowing him, crossed bayonets, and refused +him admission. "Fools," said Weissenborn, "it is the Prince!" And, +jangling at the bell as if for an alarm of fire, the door was at +length opened by the porter, and his Highness ran up to the Generals +bedchamber, followed by the page with the box. + +'"Magny--Magny," roared the Prince, thundering at the closed door, +"get up!" And to the queries of the old man from within, answered, +"It is I--Victor--the Prince!--get up!" And presently the door was +opened by the General in his ROBE-DE-CHAMBRE, and the Prince +entered. The page brought in the box, and was bidden to wait +without, which he did; but there led from Monsieur de Magny's +bedroom into his antechamber two doors, the great one which formed +the entrance into his room, and a smaller one which led, as the +fashion is with our houses abroad, into the closet which +communicates with the alcove where the bed is. The door of this was +found by M. de Weissenborn to be open, and the young man was thus +enabled to hear and see everything which occurred within the +apartment. + +'The General, somewhat nervously, asked what was the reason of so +early a visit from his Highness; to which the Prince did not for a +while reply, farther than by staring at him rather wildly, and +pacing up and down the room. + +'At last he said, "Here is the cause!" dashing his fist on the box; +and, as he had forgotten to bring the key with him, he went to the +door for a moment, saying, "Weissenborn perhaps has it;" but seeing +over the stove one of the General's couteaux de chasse, he took it +down, and said, "That will do," and fell to work to burst the red +trunk open with the blade of the forest knife. The point broke, and +he gave an oath, but continued haggling on with the broken blade, +which was better suited to his purpose than the long pointed knife, +and finally succeeded in wrenching open the lid of the chest. + +'"What is the matter?" said he, laughing. "Here's the matter;--read +that!--here's more matter, read that!--here's more--no, not that; +that's somebody else's picture--but here's hers! Do you know that, +Magny? My wife's--the Princess's! Why did you and your cursed race +ever come out of France, to plant your infernal wickedness wherever +your feet fell, and to ruin honest German homes? What have you and +yours ever had from my family but confidence and kindness? We gave +you a home when you had none, and here's our reward!" and he flung a +parcel of papers down before the old General; who saw the truth at +once;--he had known it long before, probably, and sank down on his +chair, covering his face. + +'The Prince went on gesticulating, and shrieking almost. "If a man +injured you so, Magny, before you begot the father of that gambling +lying villain yonder, you would have known how to revenge yourself. +You would have killed him! Yes, would have killed him. But who's to +help me to my revenge? I've no equal. I can't meet that dog of a +Frenchman,--that pimp from Versailles,--and kill him, as if he had +played the traitor to one of his own degree." + +'"The blood of Maxime de Magny," said the old gentleman proudly, "is +as good as that of any prince in Christendom." + +'"Can I take it?" cried the Prince; "you know I can't. I can't have +the privilege of any other gentleman in Europe. What am I to do? +Look here, Magny: I was wild when I came here; I didn't know what to +do. You've served me for thirty years; you've saved my life twice: +they are all knaves and harlots about my poor old father here--no +honest men or women--you are the only one--you saved my life; tell +me what am I to do?" Thus from insulting Monsieur de Magny, the poor +distracted Prince fell to supplicating him; and, at last, fairly +flung himself down, and burst out in an agony of tears. + +'Old Magny, one of the most rigid and cold of men on common +occasions, when he saw this outbreak of passion on the Prince's +part, became, as my informant has described to me, as much affected +as his master. The old man from being cold and high, suddenly fell, +as it were, into the whimpering querulousness of extreme old age. He +lost all sense of dignity; he went down on his knees, and broke out +into all sorts of wild incoherent attempts at consolation; so much +so, that Weissenborn said he could not bear to look at the scene, +and actually turned away from the contemplation of it. + +'But, from what followed in a few days, we may guess the results of +the long interview. The Prince, when he came away from the +conversation with his old servant, forgot his fatal box of papers +and sent the page back for them. The General was on his knees +praying in the room when the young man entered, and only stirred and +looked wildly round as the other removed the packet. The Prince rode +away to his hunting-lodge at three leagues from X----, and three +days after that Maxime de Magny died in prison; having made a +confession that he was engaged in an attempt to rob the Jew, and +that he had made away with himself, ashamed of his dishonour. + +'But it is not known that it was the General himself who took his +grandson poison: it was said even that he shot him in the prison. +This, however, was not the case. General de Magny carried his +grandson the draught which was to carry him out of the world; +represented to the wretched youth that his fate was inevitable; that +it would be public and disgraceful unless he chose to anticipate the +punishment, and so left him. But IT WAS NOT OF HIS OWN ACCORD, and +not until he had used EVERY means of escape, as you shall hear, that +the unfortunate being's life was brought to an end. + +'As for General de Magny, he quite fell into imbecility a short time +after his grandson's death, and my honoured Duke's demise. After his +Highness the Prince married the Princess Mary of F----, as they were +walking in the English park together they once met old Magny riding +in the sun in the easy chair, in which he was carried commonly +abroad after his paralytic fits. "This is my wife, Magny," said the +Prince affectionately, taking the veteran's hand; and he added, +turning to his Princess, "General de Magny saved my life during the +Seven Years' War." + +'"What, you've taken her back again?" said the old man. "I wish +you'd send me back my poor Maxime." He had quite forgotten the death +of the poor Princess Olivia, and the Prince, looking very dark +indeed, passed away. + +'And now,' said Madame de Liliengarten, 'I have only one more gloomy +story to relate to you--the death of the Princess Olivia. It is even +more horrible than the tale I have just told you.' With which +preface the old lady resumed her narrative. + +'The kind weak Princess's fate was hastened, if not occasioned, by +the cowardice of Magny. He found means to communicate with her from +his prison, and her Highness, who was not in open disgrace yet (for +the Duke, out of regard to the family, persisted in charging Magny +with only robbery), made the most desperate efforts to relieve him, +and to bribe the gaolers to effect his escape. She was so wild that +she lost all patience and prudence in the conduct of any schemes she +may have had for Magny's liberation; for her husband was inexorable, +and caused the Chevalier's prison to be too strictly guarded for +escape to be possible. She offered the State jewels in pawn to the +Court banker; who of course was obliged to decline the transaction. +She fell down on her knees, it is said, to Geldern, the Police +Minister, and offered him Heaven knows what as a bribe. Finally, she +came screaming to my poor dear Duke, who, with his age, diseases, +and easy habits, was quite unfit for scenes of so violent a nature; +and who, in consequence of the excitement created in his august +bosom by her frantic violence and grief, had a fit in which I very +nigh lost him. That his dear life was brought to an untimely end by +these transactions I have not the slightest doubt; for the +Strasbourg pie, of which they said he died, never, I am sure, could +have injured him, but for the injury which his dear gentle heart +received from the unusual occurrences in which he was forced to take +a share. + +'All her Highness's movements were carefully, though not ostensibly, +watched by her husband, Prince Victor; who, waiting upon his august +father, sternly signified to him that if his Highness (MY Duke) +should dare to aid the Princess in her efforts to release Magny, he, +Prince Victor, would publicly accuse the Princess and her paramour +of high treason, and take measures with the Diet for removing his +father from the throne, as incapacitated to reign. Hence +interposition on our part was vain, and Magny was left to his fate. + +'It came, as you are aware, very suddenly. Geldern, Police Minister, +Hengst, Master of the Horse, and the colonel of the Prince's guard, +waited upon the young man in his prison two days after his +grandfather had visited him there and left behind him the phial of +poison which the criminal had not the courage to use. And Geldern +signified to the young man that unless he took of his own accord the +laurelwater provided by the elder Magny, more violent means of death +would be instantly employed upon him, and that a file of grenadiers +was in waiting in the courtyard to despatch him. Seeing this, Magny, +with the most dreadful self-abasement, after dragging himself round +the room on his knees from one officer to another, weeping and +screaming with terror, at last desperately drank off the potion, and +was a corpse in a few minutes. Thus ended this wretched young man. + +'His death was made public in the COURT GAZETTE two days after, the +paragraph stating that Monsieur de M----, struck with remorse for +having attempted the murder of the Jew, had put himself to death by +poison in prison; and a warning was added to all young noblemen of +the duchy to avoid the dreadful sin of gambling, which had been the +cause of the young man's ruin, and had brought upon the grey hairs +of one of the noblest and most honourable of the servants of the +Duke irretrievable sorrow. + +'The funeral was conducted with decent privacy, the General de Magny +attending it. The carriages of the two Dukes and all the first +people of the Court made their calls upon the General afterwards. He +attended parade as usual the next day on the Arsenal-Place, and Duke +Victor, who had been inspecting the building, came out of it leaning +on the brave old warrior's arm. He was particularly gracious to the +old man, and told his officers the oft-repeated story how at +Rosbach, when the X----contingent served with the troops of the +unlucky Soubise, the General had thrown himself in the way of a +French dragoon, who was pressing hard upon his Highness in the rout, +had received the blow intended for his master, and killed the +assailant. And he alluded to the family motto of "Magny sans tache," +and said, "It had been always so with his gallant friend and tutor +in arms." This speech affected all present very much; with the +exception of the old General, who only bowed and did not speak: but +when he went home he was heard muttering "Magny sans tache, Magny +sans tache!" and was attacked with paralysis that night, from which +he never more than partially recovered. + +'The news of Maxime's death had somehow been kept from the Princess +until now: a GAZETTE even being printed without the paragraph +containing the account of his suicide; but it was at length, I know +not how, made known to her. And when she heard it, her ladies tell +me, she screamed and fell, as if struck dead; then sat up wildly and +raved like a madwoman, and was then carried to her bed, where her +physician attended her, and where she lay of a brain-fever. All this +while the Prince used to send to make inquiries concerning her; and +from his giving orders that his Castle of Schlangenfels should be +prepared and furnished, I make no doubt it was his intention to send +her into confinement thither: as had been done with the unhappy +sister of His Britannic Majesty at Zell. + +'She sent repeatedly to demand an interview with his Highness; which +the latter declined, saying that he would communicate with her +Highness when her health was sufficiently recovered. To one of her +passionate letters he sent back for reply a packet, which, when +opened, was found to contain the emerald that had been the cause +round which all this dark intrigue moved. + +'Her Highness at this time became quite frantic; vowed in the +presence of all her ladies that one lock of her darling Maxime's +hair was more precious to her than all the jewels in the world: rang +for her carriage, and said she would go and kiss his tomb; +proclaimed the murdered martyr's innocence, and called down the +punishment of Heaven, the wrath of her family, upon his assassin. +The Prince, on hearing these speeches (they were all, of course, +regularly brought to him), is said to have given one of his dreadful +looks (which I remember now), and to have said, "This cannot last +much longer." + +'All that day and the next the Princess Olivia passed in dictating +the most passionate letters to the Prince her father, to the Kings +of France, Naples, and Spain, her kinsmen, and to all other branches +of her family, calling upon them in the most incoherent terms to +protect her against the butcher and assassin her husband, assailing +his person in the maddest terms of reproach, and at the same time +confessing her love for the murdered Magny. It was in vain that +those ladies who were faithful to her pointed out to her the +inutility of these letters, the dangerous folly of the confessions +which they made; she insisted upon writing them, and used to give +them to her second robe-woman, a Frenchwoman (her Highness always +affectioned persons of that nation), who had the key of her +cassette, and carried every one of these epistles to Geldern. + +'With the exception that no public receptions were held, the +ceremony of the Princess's establishment went on as before. Her +ladies were allowed to wait upon her and perform their usual duties +about her person. The only men admitted were, however, her servants, +her physician and chaplain; and one day when she wished to go into +the garden, a heyduc, who kept the door, intimated to her Highness +that the Prince's orders were that she should keep her apartments. + +'They abut, as you remember, upon the landing of the marble +staircase of Schloss X----; the entrance to Prince Victor's suite of +rooms being opposite the Princess's on the same landing. This space +is large, filled with sofas and benches, and the gentlemen and +officers who waited upon the Duke used to make a sort of antechamber +of the landing-place, and pay their court to his Highness there, as +he passed out, at eleven o'clock, to parade. At such a time, the +heyducs within the Princess's suite of rooms used to turn out with +their halberts and present to Prince Victor--the same ceremony being +performed on his own side, when pages came out and announced the +approach of his Highness. The pages used to come out and say, "The +Prince, gentlemen!" and the drums beat in the hall, and the +gentlemen rose, who were waiting on the benches that ran along the +balustrade. + +'As if fate impelled her to her death, one day the Princess, as her +guards turned out, and she was aware that the Prince was standing, +as was his wont, on the landing, conversing with his gentlemen (in +the old days he used to cross to the Princess's apartment and kiss +her hand)--the Princess, who had been anxious all the morning, +complaining of heat, insisting that all the doors of the apartments +should be left open; and giving tokens of an insanity which I think +was now evident, rushed wildly at the doors when the guards passed +out, flung them open, and before a word could be said, or her ladies +could follow her, was in presence of Duke Victor, who was talking as +usual on the landing: placing herself between him and the stair, she +began apostrophising him with frantic vehemence:-- + +'"Take notice, gentlemen!" she screamed out, "that this man is a +murderer and a liar; that he lays plots for honourable gentlemen, +and kills them in prison! Take notice, that I too am in prison, and +fear the same fate: the same butcher who killed Maxime de Magny, +may, any night, put the knife to my throat. I appeal to you, and to +all the kings of Europe, my Royal kinsmen. I demand to be set free +from this tyrant and villain, this liar and traitor! I adjure you +all, as gentlemen of honour, to carry these letters to my relatives, +and say from whom you had them!" and with this the unhappy lady +began scattering letters about among the astonished crowd. + +'"LET NO MAN STOOP!" cried the Prince, in a voice of thunder. +"Madame de Gleim, you should have watched your patient better. Call +the Princess's physicians: her Highness's brain is affected. +Gentlemen, have the goodness to retire." And the Prince stood on the +landing as the gentlemen went down the stairs, saying fiercely to +the guard, "Soldier, if she moves, strike with your halbert!" on +which the man brought the point of his weapon to the Princess's +breast; and the lady, frightened, shrank back and re-entered her +apartments. "Now, Monsieur de Weissenborn," said the Prince, "pick +up all those papers;" and the Prince went into his own apartments, +preceded by his pages, and never quitted them until he had seen +every one of the papers burnt. + +'The next day the COURT GAZETTE contained a bulletin signed by the +three physicians, stating that "her Highness the Hereditary Princess +laboured under inflammation of the brain, and had passed a restless +and disturbed night." Similar notices were issued day after day. The +services of all her ladies, except two, were dispensed with. Guards +were placed within and without her doors; her windows were secured, +so that escape from them was impossible: and you know what took +place ten days after. The church-bells were ringing all night, and +the prayers of the faithful asked for a person IN EXTREMIS. A +GAZETTE appeared in the morning, edged with black, and stating that +the high and mighty Princess Olivia Maria Ferdinanda, consort of His +Serene Highness Victor Louis Emanuel, Hereditary Prince of X----, +had died in the evening of the 24th of January 1769. + +'But do you know HOW she died, sir? That, too, is a mystery. +Weissenborn, the page, was concerned in this dark tragedy; and the +secret was so dreadful, that never, believe me, till Prince Victor's +death, did I reveal it. + +'After the fatal ESCLANDRE which the Princess had made, the Prince +sent for Weissenborn, and binding him by the most solemn adjuration +to secrecy (he only broke it to his wife many years after: indeed, +there is no secret in the world that women cannot know if they +will), despatched him on the following mysterious commission. + +'"There lives," said his Highness, "on the Kehl side of the river, +opposite to Strasbourg, a man whose residence you will easily find +out from his name, which is MONSIEUR DE STRASBOURG. You will make +your inquiries concerning him quietly, and without occasioning any +remark; perhaps you had better go into Strasbourg for the purpose, +where the person is quite well known. You will take with you any +comrade on whom you can perfectly rely: the lives of both, remember, +depend on your secrecy. You will find out some period when MONSIEUR +DE STRASBOURG is alone, or only in company of the domestic who lives +with him (I myself visited the man by accident on my return from +Paris five years since, and hence am induced to send for him now, in +my present emergency). You will have your carriage waiting at his +door at night; and you and your comrade will enter his house masked; +and present him with a purse of a hundred louis; promising him +double that sum on his return from his expedition. If he refuse, you +must use force and bring him; menacing him with instant death should +he decline to follow you. You will place him in the carriage with +the blinds drawn, one or other of you never losing sight of him the +whole way, and threatening him with death if he discover himself or +cry out. You will lodge him in the old Tower here, where a room +shall be prepared for him; and his work being done, you will restore +him to his home with the same speed and secrecy with which you +brought him from it." + +'Such were the mysterious orders Prince Victor gave his page; and +Weissenborn, selecting for his comrade in the expedition Lieutenant +Bartenstein, set out on his strange journey. + +'All this while the palace was hushed, as if in mourning, the +bulletins in the COURT GAZETTE appeared, announcing the continuance +of the Princess's malady; and though she had but few attendants, +strange and circumstantial stories were told regarding the progress +of her complaint. She was quite wild. She had tried to kill herself. +She had fancied herself to be I don't know how many different +characters. Expresses were sent to her family informing them of her +state, and couriers despatched PUBLICLY to Vienna and Paris to +procure the attendance of physicians skilled in treating diseases of +the brain. That pretended anxiety was all a feint: it was never +intended that the Princess should recover. + +'The day on which Weissenborn and Bartenstein returned from their +expedition, it was announced that her Highness the Princess was much +worse; that night the report through the town was that she was at +the agony: and that night the unfortunate creature was endeavouring +to make her escape. + +'She had unlimited confidence in the French chamber-woman who +attended her, and between her and this woman the plan of escape was +arranged. The Princess took her jewels in a casket; a private door, +opening from one of her rooms and leading into the outer gate, it +was said, of the palace, was discovered for her: and a letter was +brought to her, purporting to be from the Duke, her father-in-law, +and stating that a carriage and horses had been provided, and would +take her to B----: the territory where she might communicate with +her family and be safe. + +'The unhappy lady, confiding in her guardian, set out on the +expedition. The passages wound through the walls of the modern part +of the palace and abutted in effect at the old Owl Tower, as it was +called, on the outer wall: the tower was pulled down afterwards, and +for good reason. + +'At a certain place the candle, which the chamberwoman was carrying, +went out; and the Princess would have screamed with terror, but her +hand was seized, and a voice cried "Hush!" The next minute a man in +a mask (it was the Duke himself) rushed forward, gagged her with a +handkerchief, her hands and legs were bound, and she was carried +swooning with terror into a vaulted room, where she was placed by a +person there waiting, and tied in an arm-chair. The same mask who +had gagged her, came and bared her neck and said, "It had best be +done now she has fainted." + +'Perhaps it would have been as well; for though she recovered from +her swoon, and her confessor, who was present, came forward and +endeavoured to prepare her for the awful deed which was about to be +done upon her, and for the state into which she was about to enter, +when she came to herself it was only to scream like a maniac, to +curse the Duke as a butcher and tyrant, and to call upon Magny, her +dear Magny. + +'At this the Duke said, quite calmly, "May God have mercy on her +sinful soul!" He, the confessor, and Geldern, who were present, went +down on their knees; and, as his Highness dropped his handkerchief, +Weissenborn fell down in a fainting fit; while MONSIEUR DE +STRASBOURG, taking the back hair in his hand, separated the +shrieking head of Olivia from the miserable sinful body. May Heaven +have mercy upon her soul!' + +. . . . + +This was the story told by Madame de Liliengarten, and the reader +will have no difficulty in drawing from it that part which affected +myself and my uncle; who, after six weeks of arrest, were set at +liberty, but with orders to quit the duchy immediately: indeed, with +an escort of dragoons to conduct us to the frontier. What property +we had, we were allowed to sell and realise in money; but none of +our play debts were paid to us: and all my hopes of the Countess Ida +were thus at an end. + +When Duke Victor came to the throne, which he did when, six months +after, apoplexy carried off the old sovereign his father, all the +good old usages of X----were given up,--play forbidden; the opera +and ballet sent to the right-about; and the regiments which the old +Duke had sold recalled from their foreign service: with them came my +Countess's beggarly cousin the ensign, and he married her. I don't +know whether they were happy or not. It is certain that a woman of +such a poor spirit did not merit any very high degree of pleasure. + +The now reigning Duke of X----himself married four years after his +first wife's demise, and Geldern, though no longer Police Minister, +built the grand house of which Madame de Liliengarten spoke. What +became of the minor actors in the great tragedy, who knows? Only +MONSIEUR DE STRASBOURG was restored to his duties. Of the rest--the +Jew, the chamber-woman, the spy on Magny--I know nothing. Those +sharp tools with which great people cut out their enterprises are +generally broken in the using: nor did I ever hear that their +employers had much regard for them in their ruin. + +CHAPTER XIII + +I CONTINUE MY CAREER AS A MAN OF FASHION + +I find I have already filled up many scores of pages, and yet a vast +deal of the most interesting portion of my history remains to be +told, viz. that which describes my sojourn in the kingdoms of +England and Ireland, and the great part I played there; moving among +the most illustrious of the land, myself not the least distinguished +of the brilliant circle. In order to give due justice to this +portion of my Memoirs, then,--which is more important than my +foreign adventures can be (though I could fill volumes with +interesting descriptions of the latter),--I shall cut short the +account of my travels in Europe, and of my success at the +Continental Courts, in order to speak of what befell me at home. +Suffice it to say that there is not a capital in Europe, except the +beggarly one of Berlin, where the young Chevalier de Balibari was +not known and admired; and where he has not made the brave, the +high-born, and the beautiful talk of him. I won 80,000 roubles from +Potemkin at the Winter Palace at Petersburg, which the scoundrelly +favourite never paid me; I have had the honour of seeing his Royal +Highness the Chevalier Charles Edward as drunk as any porter at +Rome; my uncle played several matches at billiards against the +celebrated Lord C----at Spa, and I promise you did not come off a +loser. In fact, by a neat stratagem of ours, we raised the laugh +against his Lordship, and something a great deal more substantial. +My Lord did not know that the Chevalier Barry had a useless eye; and +when, one day, my uncle playfully bet him odds at billiards that he +would play him with a patch over one eye, the noble lord, thinking +to bite us (he was one of the most desperate gamblers that ever +lived), accepted the bet, and we won a very considerable amount of +him. + +Nor need I mention my successes among the fairer portion of the +creation. One of the most accomplished, the tallest, the most +athletic, and the handsomest gentlemen of Europe, as I was then, a +young fellow of my figure could not fail of having advantages, which +a person of my spirit knew very well how to use. But upon these +subjects I am dumb. Charming Schuvaloff, black-eyed Sczotarska, dark +Valdez, tender Hegenheim, brilliant Langeac!--ye gentle hearts that +knew how to beat in old times for the warm young Irish gentleman, +where are you now? Though my hair has grown grey now, and my sight +dim, and my heart cold with years, and ennui, and disappointment, +and the treachery of friends, yet I have but to lean back in my arm- +chair and think, and those sweet figures come rising up before me +out of the past, with their smiles, and their kindnesses, and their +bright tender eyes! There are no women like them now--no manners +like theirs! Look you at a bevy of women at the Prince's, stitched +up in tight white satin sacks, with their waists under their arms, +and compare them to the graceful figures of the old time! Why, when +I danced with Coralie de Langeac at the fetes on the birth of the +first Dauphin at Versailles, her hoop was eighteen feet in +circumference, and the heels of her lovely little mules were three +inches from the ground; the lace of my jabot was worth a thousand +crowns, and the buttons of my amaranth velvet coat alone cost eighty +thousand livres. Look at the difference now! The gentlemen are +dressed like boxers, Quakers, or hackney-coachmen; and the ladies +are not dressed at all. There is no elegance, no refinement; none of +the chivalry of the old world, of which I form a portion. Think of +the fashion of London being led by a Br-mm-l! [Footnote: This +manuscript must have been written at the time when Mr. Brummel was +the leader of the London fashion.] a nobody's son: a low creature, +who can no more dance a minuet than I can talk Cherokee; who cannot +even crack a bottle like a gentleman; who never showed himself to be +a man with his sword in his hand: as we used to approve ourselves in +the good old times, before that vulgar Corsican upset the gentry of +the world! Oh, to see the Valdez once again, as on that day I met +her first driving in state, with her eight mules and her retinue of +gentlemen, by the side of yellow Mancanares! Oh, for another drive +with Hegenheim, in the gilded sledge, over the Saxon snow! False as +Schuvaloff was, 'twas better to be jilted by her than to be adored +by any other woman. I can't think of any one of them without +tenderness. I have ringlets of all their hair in my poor little +museum of recollections. Do you keep mine, you dear souls that +survive the turmoils and troubles of near half a hundred years? How +changed its colour is now, since the day Sczotarska wore it round +her neck, after my duel with Count Bjernaski, at Warsaw. + +I never kept any beggarly books of accounts in those days. I had no +debts. I paid royally for everything I took; and I took everything I +wanted. My income must have been very large. My entertainments and +equipages were those of a gentleman of the highest distinction; nor +let any scoundrel presume to sneer because I carried off and married +my Lady Lyndon (as you shall presently hear), and call me an +adventurer, or say I was penniless, or the match unequal. Penniless! +I had the wealth of Europe at my command. Adventurer! So is a +meritorious lawyer or a gallant soldier; so is every man who makes +his own fortune an adventurer. My profession was play: in which I +was then unrivalled. No man could play with me through Europe, on +the square; and my income was just as certain (during health and the +exercise of my profession) as that of a man who draws on his Three- +per-cents., or any fat squire whose acres bring him revenue. Harvest +is not more certain than the effect of skill is: a crop is a chance, +as much as a game of cards greatly played by a fine player: there +may be a drought, or a frost, or a hail-storm, and your stake is +lost; but one man is just as much an adventurer as another. + +In evoking the recollection of these kind and fair creatures I have +nothing but pleasure. I would I could say as much of the memory of +another lady, who will henceforth play a considerable part in the +drama of my life,--I mean the Countess of Lyndon; whose fatal +acquaintance I made at Spa, very soon after the events described in +the last chapter had caused me to quit Germany. + +Honoria, Countess of Lyndon, Viscountess Bullingdon in England, +Baroness Castle Lyndon of the kingdom of Ireland, was so well known +to the great world in her day, that I have little need to enter into +her family history; which is to be had in any peerage that the +reader may lay his hand on. She was, as I need not say, a countess, +viscountess, and baroness in her own right. Her estates in Devon and +Cornwall were among the most extensive in those parts; her Irish +possessions not less magnificent; and they have been alluded to, in +a very early part of these Memoirs, as lying near to my own paternal +property in the kingdom of Ireland: indeed, unjust confiscations in +the time of Elizabeth and her father went to diminish my acres, +while they added to the already vast possessions of the Lyndon +family. + +The Countess, when I first saw her at the assembly at Spa, was the +wife of her cousin, the Right Honourable Sir Charles Reginald +Lyndon, Knight of the Bath, and Minister to George II. and George +III. at several of the smaller Courts of Europe. Sir Charles Lyndon +was celebrated as a wit and bon vivant: he could write love-verses +against Hanbury Williams, and make jokes with George Selwyn; he was +a man of vertu like Harry Walpole, with whom and Mr. Grey he had +made a part of the grand tour; and was cited, in a word, as one of +the most elegant and accomplished men of his time. + +I made this gentleman's acquaintance as usual at the play-table, of +which he was a constant frequenter. Indeed, one could not but admire +the spirit and gallantry with which he pursued his favourite +pastime; for, though worn out by gout and a myriad of diseases, a +cripple wheeled about in a chair, and suffering pangs of agony, yet +you would see him every morning and every evening at his post behind +the delightful green cloth: and if, as it would often happen, his +own hands were too feeble or inflamed to hold the box, he would call +the mains, nevertheless, and have his valet or a friend to throw for +him. I like this courageous spirit in a man; the greatest successes +in life have been won by such indomitable perseverance. + +I was by this time one of the best-known characters in Europe; and +the fame of my exploits, my duels, my courage at play, would bring +crowds around me in any public society where I appeared. I could +show reams of scented paper, to prove that this eagerness to make my +acquaintance was not confined to the gentlemen only; but that I hate +boasting, and only talk of myself in so far as it is necessary to +relate myself's adventures: the most singular of any man's in +Europe. Well, Sir Charles Lyndon's first acquaintance with me +originated in the right honourable knight's winning 700 pieces of me +at picquet (for which he was almost my match); and I lost them with +much good-humour, and paid them: and paid them, you may be sure, +punctually. Indeed, I will say this for myself, that losing money at +play never in the least put me out of good-humour with the winner, +and that wherever I found a superior, I was always ready to +acknowledge and hail him. + +Lyndon was very proud of winning from so celebrated a person, and we +contracted a kind of intimacy; which, however, did not for a while +go beyond pump-room attentions, and conversations over the supper- +table at play: but which gradually increased, until I was admitted +into his more private friendship. He was a very free-spoken man (the +gentry of those days were much prouder than at present), and used to +say to me in his haughty easy way, 'Hang it, Mr. Barry, you have no +more manners than a barber, and I think my black footman has been +better educated than you; but you are a young fellow of originality +and pluck, and I like you, sir, because you seem determined to go to +the deuce by a way of your own.' I would thank him laughingly for +this compliment, and say, that as he was bound to the next world +much sooner than I was, I would be obliged to him to get comfortable +quarters arranged there for me. He used also to be immensely amused +with my stories about the splendour of my family and the +magnificence of Castle Brady: he would never tire of listening or +laughing at those histories. + +'Stick to the trumps, however, my lad,' he would say, when I told +him of my misfortunes in the conjugal line, and how near I had been +winning the greatest fortune in Germany. 'Do anything but marry, my +artless Irish rustic' (he called me by a multiplicity of queer +names). 'Cultivate your great talents in the gambling line; but mind +this, that a woman will beat you.' + +That I denied; mentioning several instances in which I had conquered +the most intractable tempers among the sex. + +'They will beat you in the long run, my Tipperary Alcibiades. As +soon as you are married, take my word of it, you are conquered. Look +at me. I married my cousin, the noblest and greatest heiress in +England--married her in spite of herself almost' (here a dark shade +passed over Sir Charles Lyndon's countenance). 'She is a weak woman. +You shall see her, sir, HOW weak she is; but she is my mistress. She +has embittered my whole life. She is a fool; but she has got the +better of one of the best heads in Christendom. She is enormously +rich; but somehow I have never been so poor as since I married her. +I thought to better myself; and she has made me miserable and killed +me. And she will do as much for my successor, when I am gone.' + +'Has her Ladyship a very large income?' said I. At which Sir Charles +burst out into a yelling laugh, and made me blush not a little at my +gaucherie; for the fact is, seeing him in the condition in which he +was, I could not help speculating upon the chance a man of spirit +might have with his widow. + +'No, no!' said he, laughing. 'Waugh hawk, Mr. Barry; don't think, if +you value your peace of mind, to stand in my shoes when they are +vacant. Besides, I don't think my Lady Lyndon would QUITE condescend +to marry a'---- + +'Marry a what, sir?' said I, in a rage. + +"Never mind what: but the man who gets her will rue it, take my word +on't. A plague on her! had it not been for my father's ambition and +mine (he was her uncle and guardian, and we wouldn't let such a +prize out of the family), I might have died peaceably, at least; +carried my gout down to my grave in quiet, lived in my modest +tenement in Mayfair, had every house in England open to me; and now, +now I have six of my own, and every one of them is a hell to me. +Beware of greatness, Mr. Barry. Take warning by me. Ever since I +have been married and have been rich, I have been the most miserable +wretch in the world. Look at me. I am dying a worn-out cripple at +the age of fifty. Marriage has added forty years to my life. When I +took off Lady Lyndon, there was no man of my years who looked so +young as myself. Fool that I was! I had enough with my pensions, +perfect freedom, the best society in Europe; and I gave up all +these, and married, and was miserable. Take a warning by me, Captain +Barry, and stick to the trumps." + +Though my intimacy with the knight was considerable, for a long time +I never penetrated into any other apartments of his hotel but those +which he himself occupied. His lady lived entirely apart from him; +and it is only curious how they came to travel together at all. She +was a goddaughter of old Mary Wortley Montagu: and, like that famous +old woman of the last century, made considerable pretensions to be a +blue-stocking and a bel esprit. Lady Lyndon wrote poems in English +and Italian, which still may be read by the curious in the pages of +the magazines of the day. She entertained a correspondence with +several of the European savans upon history, science, and ancient +languages, and especially theology. Her pleasure was to dispute +controversial points with abbes and bishops; and her flatterers said +she rivalled Madam Dacier in learning. Every adventurer who had a +discovery in chemistry, a new antique bust, or a plan for +discovering the philosopher's stone, was sure to find a patroness in +her. She had numberless works dedicated to her, and sonnets without +end addressed to her by all the poetasters of Europe, under the name +of Lindonira or Calista. Her rooms were crowded with hideous China +magots, and all sorts of objects of VERTU. + +No woman piqued herself more upon her principles, or allowed love to +be made to her more profusely. There was a habit of courtship +practised by the fine gentlemen of those days, which is little +understood in our coarse downright times: and young and old fellows +would pour out floods of compliments in letters and madrigals, such +as would make a sober lady stare were they addressed to her +nowadays: so entirely has the gallantry of the last century +disappeared out of our manners. + +Lady Lyndon moved about with a little court of her own. She had +half-a-dozen carriages in her progresses. In her own she would +travel with her companion (some shabby lady of quality), her birds, +and poodles, and the favourite savant for the time being. In another +would be her female secretary and her waiting-women; who, in spite +of their care, never could make their mistress look much better than +a slattern. Sir Charles Lyndon had his own chariot, and the +domestics of the establishment would follow in other vehicles. + +Also must be mentioned the carriage in which rode her Ladyship's +chaplain, Mr. Runt, who acted in capacity of governor to her son, +the little Viscount Bullingdon,--a melancholy deserted little boy, +about whom his father was more than indifferent, and whom his mother +never saw, except for two minutes at her levee, when she would put +to him a few questions of history or Latin grammar; after which he +was consigned to his own amusements, or the care of his governor, +for the rest of the day. + +The notion of such a Minerva as this, whom I saw in the public +places now and then, surrounded by swarms of needy abbes and +schoolmasters, who flattered her, frightened me for some time, and I +had not the least desire to make her acquaintance. I had no desire +to be one of the beggarly adorers in the great lady's train,-- +fellows, half friend, half lacquey, who made verses, and wrote +letters, and ran errands, content to be paid by a seat in her +Ladyship's box at the comedy, or a cover at her dinner-table at +noon. 'Don't be afraid,' Sir Charles Lyndon would say, whose great +subject of conversation and abuse was his lady: 'my Lindonira will +have nothing to do with you. She likes the Tuscan brogue, not that +of Kerry. She says you smell too much of the stable to be admitted +to ladies' society; and last Sunday fortnight, when she did me the +honour to speak to me last, said, "I wonder, Sir Charles Lyndon, a +gentleman who has been the King's ambassador can demean himself by +gambling and boozing with low Irish blacklegs!" Don't fly in a fury! +I'm a cripple, and it was Lindonira said it, not I.' + +This piqued me, and I resolved to become acquainted with Lady +Lyndon; if it were but to show her Ladyship that the descendant of +those Barrys, whose property she unjustly held, was not an unworthy +companion for any lady, were she ever so high. Besides, my friend +the knight was dying: his widow would be the richest prize in the +three kingdoms. Why should I not win her, and, with her, the means +of making in the world that figure which my genius and inclination +desired? I felt I was equal in blood and breeding to any Lyndon in +Christendom, and determined to bend this haughty lady. When I +determine, I look upon the thing as done. + +My uncle and I talked the matter over, and speedily settled upon a +method for making our approaches upon this stately lady of Castle +Lyndon. Mr. Runt, young Lord Bullingdon's governor, was fond of +pleasure, of a glass of Rhenish in the garden-houses in the summer +evenings, and of a sly throw of the dice when the occasion offered; +and I took care to make friends with this person, who, being a +college tutor and an Englishman, was ready to go on his knees to any +one who resembled a man of fashion. Seeing me with my retinue of +servants, my vis-a-vis and chariots, my valets, my hussar, and +horses, dressed in gold, and velvet, and sables, saluting the +greatest people in Europe as we met on the course, or at the Spas, +Runt was dazzled by my advances, and was mine by a beckoning of the +finger. I shall never forget the poor wretch's astonishment when I +asked him to dine, with two counts, off gold plate, at the little +room in the casino: he was made happy by being allowed to win a few +pieces of us, became exceedingly tipsy, sang Cambridge songs, and +recreated the company by telling us, in his horrid Yorkshire French, +stories about the gyps, and all the lords that had ever been in his +college. I encouraged him to come and see me oftener, and bring with +him his little viscount; for whom, though the boy always detested +me, I took care to have a good stock of sweetmeats, toys, and +picture-books when he came. + +I then began to enter into a controversy with Mr. Runt, and confided +to him some doubts which I had, and a very very earnest leaning +towards the Church of Rome. I made a certain abbe whom I knew write +me letters upon transubstantiation, &c., which the honest tutor was +rather puzzled to answer. I knew that they would be communicated to +his lady, as they were; for, asking leave to attend the English +service which was celebrated in her apartments, and frequented by +the best English then at the Spa, on the second Sunday she +condescended to look at me; on the third she was pleased to reply to +my profound bow by a curtsey; the next day I followed up the +acquaintance by another obeisance in the public walk; and, to make a +long story short, her Ladyship and I were in full correspondence on +transubstantiation before six weeks were over. My Lady came to the +aid of her chaplain; and then I began to see the prodigious weight +of his arguments: as was to be expected. The progress of this +harmless little intrigue need not be detailed. I make no doubt every +one of my readers has practised similar stratagems when a fair lady +was in the case. + +I shall never forget the astonishment of Sir Charles Lyndon when, on +one summer evening, as he was issuing out to the play-table in his +sedan-chair, according to his wont, her Ladyship's barouche and +four, with her outriders in the tawny livery of the Lyndon family, +came driving into the courtyard of the house which they inhabited; +and in that carriage, by her Ladyship's side, sat no other than the +'vulgar Irish adventurer,' as she was pleased to call him: I mean +Redmond Barry, Esquire. He made the most courtly of his bows, and +grinned and waved his hat in as graceful a manner as the gout +permitted; and her Ladyship and I replied to the salutation with the +utmost politeness and elegance on our parts. + +I could not go to the play-table for some time afterwards for Lady +Lyndon and I had an argument on transubstantiation, which lasted for +three hours; in which she was, as usual, victorious, and, in which +her companion, the Honourable Miss Flint Skinner, fell asleep; but +when, at last, I joined Sir Charles at the casino, he received me +with a yell of laughter, as his wont was, and introduced me to all +the company as Lady Lyndon's interesting young convert. This was his +way. He laughed and sneered at everything. He laughed when he was in +a paroxysm of pain; he laughed when he won money, or when he lost +it: his laugh was not jovial or agreeable, but rather painful and +sardonic. + +'Gentlemen,' said he to Punter, Colonel Loder, Count du Carreau, and +several jovial fellows with whom he used to discuss a flask of +champagne and a Rhenish trout or two after play, 'see this amiable +youth! He has been troubled by religious scruples, and has flown for +refuge to my chaplain, Mr. Runt, who has asked for advice from my +wife, Lady Lyndon; and, between them both, they are confirming my +ingenious young friend in his faith. Did you ever hear of such +doctors, and such a disciple?' + +''Faith, sir,' said I, 'if I want to learn good principles, it's +surely better I should apply for them to your lady and your chaplain +than to you!' + +'He wants to step into my shoes!' continued the knight. + +'The man would be happy who did so,' responded I, 'provided there +were no chalk-stones included!' At which reply Sir Charles was not +very well pleased, and went on with increased rancour. He was always +free-spoken in his cups; and, to say the truth, he was in his cups +many more times in a week than his doctors allowed. + +'Is it not a pleasure, gentlemen,' said he, 'for me, as I am drawing +near the goal, to find my home such a happy one; my wife so fond of +me, that she is even now thinking of appointing a successor? (I +don't mean you precisely, Mr. Barry; you are only taking your chance +with a score of others whom I could mention.) Isn't it a comfort to +see her, like a prudent housewife, getting everything ready for her +husband's departure?' + +'I hope you are not thinking of leaving us soon, knight?' said I, +with perfect sincerity; for I liked him, as a most amusing +companion. 'Not so soon, my dear, as you may fancy, perhaps,' +continued he. 'Why, man, I have been given over any time these four +years; and there was always a candidate or two waiting to apply for +the situation. Who knows how long I may keep you waiting?' and he +DID keep me waiting some little time longer than at that period +there was any reason to suspect. + +As I declared myself pretty openly, according to my usual way, and +authors are accustomed to describe the persons of the ladies with +whom their heroes fall in love; in compliance with this fashion, I +perhaps should say a word or two respecting the charms of my Lady +Lyndon. But though I celebrated them in many copies of verses, of my +own and other persons' writing; and though I filled reams of paper +in the passionate style of those days with compliments to every one +of her beauties and smiles, in which I compared her to every flower, +goddess, or famous heroine ever heard of,--truth compels me to say +that there was nothing divine about her at all. She was very well; +but no more. Her shape was fine, her hair dark, her eyes good, and +exceedingly active; she loved singing, but performed it as so great +a lady should, very much out of tune. She had a smattering of half- +a-dozen modern languages, and, as I have said before, of many more +sciences than I even knew the names of. She piqued herself on +knowing Greek and Latin; but the truth is, that Mr. Runt, used to +supply her with the quotations which she introduced into her +voluminous correspondence. She had as much love of admiration, as +strong, uneasy a vanity, and as little heart, as any woman I ever +knew. Otherwise, when her son, Lord Bullingdon, on account of his +differences with me, ran--but that matter shall be told in its +proper time. Finally, my Lady Lyndon was about a year older than +myself; though, of course, she would take her Bible oath that she +was three years younger. + +Few men are so honest as I am; for few will own to their real +motives, and I don't care a button about confessing mine. What Sir +Charles Lyndon said was perfectly true. I made the acquaintance of +Lady Lyndon with ulterior views. 'Sir,' said I to him, when, after +the scene described and the jokes he made upon me, we met alone, +'let those laugh that win. You were very pleasant upon me a few +nights since, and on my intentions regarding your lady. Well, if +they ARE what you think they are,--if I DO wish to step into your +shoes, what then? I have no other intentions than you had yourself. +I'll be sworn to muster just as much regard for my Lady Lyndon as +you ever showed her; and if I win her and wear her when you are dead +and gone, corbleu, knight, do you think it will be the fear of your +ghost will deter me?' + +Lyndon laughed as usual; but somewhat disconcertedly: indeed I had +clearly the best of him in the argument, and had just as much right +to hunt my fortune as he had. + +But one day he said, 'If you marry such a woman as my Lady Lyndon, +mark my words, you will regret it. You will pine after the liberty +you once enjoyed. By George! Captain Barry,' he added, with a sigh, +'the thing that I regret most in life--perhaps it is because I am +old, blase, and dying--is, that I never had a virtuous attachment.' + +'Ha! ha! a milkmaid's daughter!' said I, laughing at the absurdity. + +'Well, why not a milkmaid's daughter? My good fellow, I WAS in love +in youth, as most gentlemen are, with my tutor's daughter, Helena, a +bouncing girl; of course older than myself' (this made me remember +my own little love-passages with Nora Brady in the days of my early +life), 'and do you know, sir, I heartily regret I didn't marry her? +There's nothing like having a virtuous drudge at home, sir; depend +upon that. It gives a zest to one's enjoyments in the world, take my +word for it. No man of sense need restrict himself, or deny himself +a single amusement for his wife's sake: on the contrary, if he +select the animal properly, he will choose such a one as shall be no +bar to his pleasure, but a comfort in his hours of annoyance. For +instance, I have got the gout: who tends me? A hired valet, who robs +me whenever he has the power. My wife never comes near me. What +friend have I? None in the wide world. Men of the world, as you and +I are, don't make friends; and we are fools for our pains. Get a +friend, sir, and that friend a woman--a good household drudge, who +loves you. THAT is the most precious sort of friendship; for the +expense of it is all on the woman's side. The man needn't contribute +anything. If he's a rogue, she'll vow he's an angel; if he's a +brute, she will like him all the better for his ill-treatment of +her. They like it, sir, these women. They are born to be our +greatest comforts and conveniences; our--our moral bootjacks, as it +were; and to men in your way of life, believe me such a person would +be invaluable. I am only speaking for your bodily and mental +comfort's sake, mind. Why didn't I marry poor Helena Flower, the +curate's daughter?' + +I thought these speeches the remarks of a weakly disappointed man; +although since, perhaps, I have had reason to find the truth of Sir +Charles Lyndon's statements. The fact is, in my opinion, that we +often buy money very much too dear. To purchase a few thousands a +year at the expense of an odious wife, is very bad economy for a +young fellow of any talent and spirit; and there have been moments +of my life when, in the midst of my greatest splendour and opulence, +with half-a-dozen lords at my levee, with the finest horses in my +stables, the grandest house over my head, with unlimited credit at +my banker's, and--Lady Lyndon to boot, I have wished myself back a +private of Bulow's, or anything, so as to get rid of her. To return, +however, to the story. Sir Charles, with his complication of ills, +was dying before us by inches! and I've no doubt it could not have +been very pleasant to him to see a young handsome fellow paying +court to his widow before his own face as it were. After I once got +into the house on the transubstantiation dispute, I found a dozen +more occasions to improve my intimacy, and was scarcely ever out of +her Ladyship's doors. The world talked and blustered; but what cared +I? The men cried fie upon the shameless Irish adventurer; but I have +told my way of silencing such envious people: and my sword had by +this time got such a reputation through Europe, that few people +cared to encounter it. If I can once get my hold of a place, I keep +it. Many's the house I have been to where I have seen the men avoid +me. 'Faugh! the low Irishman,' they would say. 'Bah! the coarse +adventurer!' 'Out on the insufferable blackleg and puppy!' and so +forth. This hatred has been of no inconsiderable service to me in +the world; for when I fasten on a man, nothing can induce me to +release my hold: and I am left to myself, which is all the better. +As I told Lady Lyndon in those days, with perfect sincerity, +'Calista' (I used to call her Calista in my correspondence)--' +Calista, I swear to thee, by the spotlessness of thy own soul, by +the brilliancy of thy immitigable eyes, by everything pure and +chaste in heaven and in thy own heart, that I will never cease from +following thee! Scorn I can bear, and have borne at thy hands. +Indifference I can surmount; 'tis a rock which my energy will climb +over, a magnet which attracts the dauntless iron of my soul!' And it +was true, I wouldn't have left her--no, though they had kicked me +downstairs every day I presented myself at her door. + +That is my way of fascinating women. Let the man who has to make his +fortune in life remember this maxim. ATTACKING is his only secret. +Dare, and the world always yields: or, if it beat you sometimes, +dare again, and it will succumb. In those days my spirit was so +great, that if I had set my heart upon marrying a princess of the +blood, I would have had her! + +I told Calista my story, and altered very very little of the truth. +My object was to frighten her: to show her that what I wanted, that +I dared; that what I dared, that I won; and there were striking +passages enough in my history to convince her of my iron will and +indomitable courage. 'Never hope to escape me, madam,' I would say: +'offer to marry another man, and he dies upon this sword, which +never yet met its master. Fly from me, and I will follow you, though +it were to the gates of Hades.' I promise you this was very +different language to that she had been in the habit of hearing from +her Jemmy-Jessamy adorers. You should have seen how I scared the +fellows from her. + +When I said in this energetic way that I would follow Lady Lyndon +across the Styx if necessary, of course I meant that I would do so, +provided nothing more suitable presented itself in the interim. If +Lyndon would not die, where was the use of my pursuing the Countess? +And somehow, towards the end of the Spa season, very much to my +mortification I do confess, the knight made another rally: it seemed +as if nothing would kill him. 'I am sorry for you, Captain Barry,' +he would say, laughing as usual. 'I'm grieved to keep you, or any +gentleman, waiting. Had you not better arrange with my doctor, or +get the cook to flavour my omelette with arsenic? What are the odds, +gentlemen,' he would add, 'that I don't live to see Captain Barry +hanged yet?' + +In fact, the doctors tinkered him up for a year. 'It's my usual +luck,' I could not help saying to my uncle, who was my confidential +and most excellent adviser in all matters of the heart. 'I've been +wasting the treasures of my affections upon that flirt of a +countess, and here's her husband restored to health and likely to +live I don't know how many years!' And, as if to add to my +mortification, there came just at this period to Spa an English +tallow-chandler's heiress, with a plum to her fortune; and Madame +Cornu, the widow of a Norman cattle-dealer and farmer-general, with +a dropsy and two hundred thousand livres a year. + +'What's the use of my following the Lyndons to England,' says I, 'if +the knight won't die?' + +'Don't follow them, my dear simple child,' replied my uncle. 'Stop +here and pay court to the new arrivals.' + +'Yes, and lose Calista for ever, and the greatest estate in all +England.' + +'Pooh, pooh! youths like you easily fire and easily despond. Keep up +a correspondence with Lady Lyndon. You know there's nothing she +likes so much. There's the Irish abbe, who will write you the most +charming letters for a crown apiece. Let her go; write to her, and +meanwhile look out for anything else which may turn up. Who knows? +you might marry the Norman widow, bury her, take her money, and be +ready for the Countess against the knight's death.' + +And so, with vows of the most profound respectful attachment, and +having given twenty louis to Lady Lyndon's waiting-woman for a lock +of her hair (of which fact, of course, the woman informed her +mistress), I took leave of the Countess, when it became necessary +for her return to her estates in England; swearing I would follow +her as soon as an affair of honour I had on my hands could be +brought to an end. + +I shall pass over the events of the year that ensued before I again +saw her. She wrote to me according to promise; with much regularity +at first, with somewhat less frequency afterwards. My affairs, +meanwhile, at the play-table went on not unprosperously, and I was +just on the point of marrying the widow Cornu (we were at Brussels +by this time, and the poor soul was madly in love with me,) when the +London Gazette was put into my hands, and I read the following +announcement:-- + +'Died at Castle-Lyndon, in the kingdom of Ireland, the Right +Honourable Sir Charles Lyndon, Knight of the Bath, member of +Parliament for Lyndon in Devonshire, and many years His Majesty's +representative at various European Courts. He hath left behind him a +name which is endeared to all his friends for his manifold virtues +and talents, a reputation justly acquired in the service of His +Majesty, and an inconsolable widow to deplore his loss. Her +Ladyship, the bereaved Countess of Lyndon, was at the Bath when the +horrid intelligence reached her of her husband's demise, and +hastened to Ireland immediately in order to pay her last sad duties +to his beloved remains.' + +That very night I ordered my chariot and posted to Ostend, whence I +freighted a vessel to Dover, and travelling rapidly into the West, +reached Bristol; from which port I embarked for Waterford, and found +myself, after an absence of eleven years, in my native country. + +CHAPTER XIV + +I RETURN TO IRELAND, AND EXHIBIT MY SPLENDOUR AND GENEROSITY IN THAT +KINGDOM + +How were times changed with me now! I had left my country a poor +penniless boy--a private soldier in a miserable marching regiment. I +returned an accomplished man, with property to the amount of five +thousand guineas in my possession, with a splendid wardrobe and +jewel-case worth two thousand more; having mingled in all the scenes +of life a not undistinguished actor in them; having shared in war +and in love; having by my own genius and energy won my way from +poverty and obscurity to competence and splendour. As I looked out +from my chariot windows as it rolled along over the bleak bare +roads, by the miserable cabins of the peasantry, who came out in +their rags to stare as the splendid equipage passed, and huzza'd for +his Lordship's honour as they saw the magnificent stranger in the +superb gilded vehicle, my huge body-servant Fritz lolling behind +with curling moustaches and long queue, his green livery barred with +silver lace, I could not help thinking of myself with considerable +complacency, and thanking my stars that had endowed me with so many +good qualities. But for my own merits I should have been a raw Irish +squireen such as those I saw swaggering about the wretched towns +through which my chariot passed on its road to Dublin. I might have +married Nora Brady (and though, thank Heaven, I did not, I have +never thought of that girl but with kindness, and even remember the +bitterness of losing her more clearly at this moment than any other +incident of my life); I might have been the father of ten children +by this time, or a farmer on my own account, or an agent to a +squire, or a gauger, or an attorney; and here I was one of the most +famous gentlemen of Europe! I bade my fellow get a bag of copper +money and throw it among the crowd as we changed horses; and I +warrant me there was as much shouting set up in praise of my honour +as if my Lord Townshend, the Lord Lieutenant himself, had been +passing. + +My second day's journey--for the Irish roads were rough in those +days, and the progress of a gentleman's chariot terribly slow-- +brought me to Carlow, where I put up at the very inn which I had +used eleven years back, when flying from home after the supposed +murder of Quin in the duel. How well I remember every moment of the +scene! The old landlord was gone who had served me; the inn that I +then thought so comfortable looked wretched and dismantled; but the +claret was as good as in the old days, and I had the host to partake +of a jug of it and hear the news of the country. + +He was as communicative as hosts usually are: the crops and the +markets, the price of beasts at last Castle Dermot fair, the last +story about the vicar, and the last joke of Father Hogan the priest; +how the Whiteboys had burned Squire Scanlan's ricks, and the +highwaymen had been beaten off in their attack upon Sir Thomas's +house; who was to hunt the Kilkenny hounds next season, and the +wonderful run entirely they had last March; what troops were in the +town, and how Miss Biddy Toole had run off with Ensign Mullins: all +the news of sport, assize, and quarter-sessions were detailed by +this worthy chronicler of small-beer, who wondered that my honour +hadn't heard of them in England, or in foreign parts, where he +seemed to think the world was as interested as he was about the +doings of Kilkenny and Carlow. I listened to these tales with, I +own, a considerable pleasure; for every now and then a name would +come up in the conversation which I remembered in old days, and +bring with it a hundred associations connected with them. + +I had received many letters from my mother, which informed me of the +doings of the Brady's Town family. My uncle was dead, and Mick, his +eldest son, had followed him too to the grave. The Brady girls had +separated from their paternal roof as soon as their elder brother +came to rule over it. Some were married, some gone to settle with +their odious old mother in out-of-the-way watering-places. Ulick, +though he had succeeded to the estate, had come in for a bankrupt +property, and Castle Brady was now inhabited only by the bats and +owls, and the old gamekeeper. My mother, Mrs. Harry Barry, had gone +to live at Bray, to sit under Mr. Jowls, her favourite preacher, who +had a chapel there; and, finally, the landlord told me, that Mrs. +Barry's son had gone to foreign parts, enlisted in the Prussian +service, and had been shot there as a deserter. + +I don't care to own that I hired a stout nag from the landlord's +stable after dinner, and rode back at nightfall twenty miles to my +old home. My heart beat to see it. Barryville had got a pestle and +mortar over the door, and was called 'The Esculapian Repository,' by +Doctor Macshane; a red-headed lad was spreading a plaster in the old +parlour; the little window of my room, once so neat and bright, was +cracked in many places, and stuffed with rags here and there; the +flowers had disappeared from the trim garden-beds which my good +orderly mother tended. In the churchyard there were two more names +put into the stone over the family vault of the Bradys: they were +those of my cousin, for whom my regard was small, and my uncle, whom +I had always loved. I asked my old companion the blacksmith, who had +beaten me so often in old days, to give my horse a feed and a +litter: he was a worn weary-looking man now, with a dozen dirty +ragged children paddling about his smithy, and had no recollection +of the fine gentleman who stood before him. I did not seek to recall +my-self to his memory till the next day, when I put ten guineas into +his hand, and bade him drink the health of English Redmond. + +As for Castle Brady, the gates of the park were still there; but the +old trees were cut down in the avenue, a black stump jutting out +here and there, and casting long shadows as I passed in the +moonlight over the worn grass-grown old road. A few cows were at +pasture there. The garden-gate was gone, and the place a tangled +wilderness. I sat down on the old bench, where I had sat on the day +when Nora jilted me; and I do believe my feelings were as strong +then as they had been when I was a boy, eleven years before; and I +caught myself almost crying again, to think that Nora Brady had +deserted me. I believe a man forgets nothing. I've seen a flower, or +heard some trivial word or two, which have awakened recollections +that somehow had lain dormant for scores of years; and when I +entered the house in Clarges Street, where I was born (it was used +as a gambling-house when I first visited London), all of a sudden +the memory of my childhood came back to me--of my actual infancy: I +recollected my father in green and gold, holding me up to look at a +gilt coach which stood at the door, and my mother in a flowered +sack, with patches on her face. Some day, I wonder, will everything +we have seen and thought and done come and flash across our minds in +this way? I had rather not. I felt so as I sat upon the bench at +Castle Brady, and thought of the bygone times. + +The hall-door was open--it was always so at that house; the moon was +flaring in at the long old windows, and throwing ghastly chequers +upon the floors; and the stars were looking in on the other side, in +the blue of the yawning window over the great stair: from it you +could see the old stable-clock, with the letters glistening on it +still. There had been jolly horses in those stables once; and I +could see my uncle's honest face, and hear him talking to his dogs +as they came jumping and whining and barking round about him of a +gay winter morning. We used to mount there; and the girls looked out +at us from the hall-window, where I stood and looked at the sad, +mouldy, lonely old place. There was a red light shining through the +crevices of a door at one corner of the building, and a dog +presently came out baying loudly, and a limping man followed with a +fowling-piece. + +'Who's there?' said the old man. + +'PHIL PURCELL, don't you know me?' shouted I; 'it's Redmond Barry.' + +I thought the old man would have fired his piece at me at first, for +he pointed it at the window; but I called to him to hold his hand, +and came down and embraced him.... Psha! I don't care to tell the +rest: Phil and I had a long night, and talked over a thousand +foolish old things that have no interest for any soul alive now: for +what soul is there alive that cares for Barry Lyndon? + +I settled a hundred guineas on the old man when I got to Dublin, and +made him an annuity which enabled him to pass his old days in +comfort. + +Poor Phil Purcell was amusing himself at a game of exceedingly dirty +cards with an old acquaintance of mine; no other than Tim, who was +called my 'valet' in the days of yore, and whom the reader may +remember as clad in my father's old liveries. They used to hang +about him in those times, and lap over his wrists and down to his +heels; but Tim, though he protested he had nigh killed himself with +grief when I went away, had managed to grow enormously fat in my +absence, and would have fitted almost into Daniel Lambert's coat, or +that of the vicar of Castle Brady, whom he served in the capacity of +clerk. I would have engaged the fellow in my service but for his +monstrous size, which rendered him quite unfit to be the attendant +of any gentleman of condition; and so I presented him with a +handsome gratuity, and promised to stand godfather to his next +child: the eleventh since my absence. There is no country in the +world where the work of multiplying is carried on so prosperously as +in my native island. Mr. Tim had married the girls' waiting-maid, +who had been a kind friend of mine in the early times; and I had to +go salute poor Molly next day, and found her a slatternly wench in a +mud hut, surrounded by a brood of children almost as ragged as those +of my friend the blacksmith. + +From Tim and Phil Purcell, thus met fortuitously together, I got the +very last news respecting my family. My mother was well. + +''Faith sir,' says Tim, 'and you're come in time, mayhap, for +preventing an addition to your family.' + +'Sir!' exclaimed I, in a fit of indignation. + +'In the shape of father-in-law, I mane, sir,' says Tim: 'the +misthress is going to take on with Mister Jowls the praacher.' + +Poor Nora, he added, had made many additions to the illustrious race +of Quin; and my cousin Ulick was in Dublin, coming to little good, +both my informants feared, and having managed to run through the +small available remains of property which my good old uncle had left +behind him. + +I saw I should have no small family to provide for; and then, to +conclude the evening, Phil, Tim, and I, had a bottle of usquebaugh, +the taste of which I had remembered for eleven good years, and did +not part except with the warmest terms of fellowship, and until the +sun had been some time in the sky. I am exceedingly affable; that +has always been one of my characteristics. I have no false pride, as +many men of high lineage like my own have, and, in default of better +company, will hob and nob with a ploughboy or a private soldier just +as readily as with the first noble in the land. + +I went back to the village in the morning, and found a pretext for +visiting Barryville under a device of purchasing drugs. The hooks +were still in the wall where my silver-hiked sword used to hang; a +blister was lying on the window-sill, where my mother's 'Whole Duty +of Man' had its place; and the odious Doctor Macshane had found out +who I was (my countrymen find out everything, and a great deal more +besides), and sniggering, asked me how I left the King of Prussia, +and whether my friend the Emperor Joseph was as much liked as the +Empress Maria Theresa had been. The bell-ringers would have had a +ring of bells for me, but there was but one, Tim, who was too fat to +pull; and I rode off before the vicar, Doctor Bolter (who had +succeeded old Mr. Texter, who had the living in my time), had time +to come out to compliment me; but the rapscallions of the beggarly +village had assembled in a dirty army to welcome me, and cheered +'Hurrah for Masther Redmond!' as I rode away. + +My people were not a little anxious regarding me, by the time I +returned to Carlow, and the landlord was very much afraid, he said, +that the highwaymen had gotten hold of me. There, too, my name and +station had been learned from my servant Fritz: who had not spared +his praises of his master, and had invented some magnificent +histories concerning me. He said it was the truth that I was +intimate with half the sovereigns of Europe, and the prime favourite +with most of them. Indeed I had made my uncle's order of the Spur +hereditary, and travelled under the name of the Chevalier Barry, +chamberlain to the Duke of Hohenzollern-Sigmaringen. + +They gave me the best horses the stable possessed to carry me on my +road to Dublin, and the strongest ropes for harness; and we got on +pretty well, and there was no rencontre between the highwaymen and +the pistols with which Fritz and I were provided. We lay that night +at Kilcullen, and the next day I made my entry into the city of +Dublin, with four horses to my carriage, five thousand guineas in my +purse, and one of the most brilliant reputations in Europe, having +quitted the city a beggarly boy, eleven years before. + +The citizens of Dublin have as great and laudable a desire for +knowing their neighbours' concerns as the country people have; and +it is impossible for a gentleman, however modest his desires may be +(and such mine have notoriously been through life), to enter the +capital without having his name printed in every newspaper and +mentioned in a number of societies. My name and titles were all over +the town the day after my arrival. A great number of polite persons +did me the honour to call at my lodgings, when I selected them; and +this was a point very necessarily of immediate care, for the hotels +in the town were but vulgar holes, unfit for a nobleman of my +fashion and elegance. I had been informed of the fact by travellers +on the Continent; and determining to fix on a lodging at once, I +bade the drivers go slowly up and down the streets with my chariot, +until I had selected a place suitable to my rank. This proceeding, +and the uncouth questions and behaviour of my German Fritz, who was +instructed to make inquiries at the different houses until +convenient apartments could be lighted upon, brought an immense mob +round my coach; and by the time the rooms were chosen you might have +supposed I was the new General of the Forces, so great was the +multitude following us. + +I fixed at length upon a handsome suite of apartments in Capel +Street, paid the ragged postilions who had driven me a splendid +gratuity, and establishing myself in the rooms with my baggage and +Fritz, desired the landlord to engage me a second fellow to wear my +liveries, a couple of stout reputable chairmen and their machine, +and a coachman who had handsome job-horses to hire for my chariot, +and serviceable riding-horses to sell. I gave him a handsome sum in +advance; and I promise you the effect of my advertisement was such, +that next day I had a regular levee in my antechamber: grooms, +valets, and maitres-d'hotel offered themselves without number; I had +proposals for the purchase of horses sufficient to mount a regiment, +both from dealers and gentlemen of the first fashion. Sir Lawler +Gawler came to propose to me the most elegant bay-mare ever stepped; +my Lord Dundoodle had a team of four that wouldn't disgrace my +friend the Emperor; and the Marquess of Ballyragget sent his +gentleman and his compliments, stating that if I would step up to +his stables, or do him the honour of breakfasting with him +previously, he would show me the two finest greys in Europe. I +determined to accept the invitations of Dundoodle and Ballyragget, +but to purchase my horses from the dealers. It is always the best +way. Besides, in those days, in Ireland, if a gentleman warranted +his horse, and it was not sound, or a dispute arose, the remedy you +had was the offer of a bullet in your waistcoat. I had played at the +bullet game too much in earnest to make use of it heedlessly: and I +may say, proudly for myself, that I never engaged in a duel unless I +had a real, available, and prudent reason for it. + +There was a simplicity about this Irish gentry which amused and made +me wonder. If they tell more fibs than their downright neighbours +across the water, on the other hand they believe more; and I made +myself in a single week such a reputation in Dublin as would take a +man ten years and a mint of money to acquire in London. I had won +five hundred thousand pounds at play; I was the favourite of the +Empress Catherine of Russia; the confidential agent of Frederick of +Prussia; it was I won the battle of Hochkirchen; I was the cousin of +Madame Du Barry, the French King's favourite, and a thousand things +beside. Indeed, to tell the truth, I hinted a number of these +stories to my kind friends Ballyragget and Gawler; and they were not +slow to improve the hints I gave them. + +After having witnessed the splendours of civilised life abroad, the +sight of Dublin in the year 1771, when I returned thither, struck me +with anything but respect. It was as savage as Warsaw almost, +without the regal grandeur of the latter city. The people looked +more ragged than any race I have ever seen, except the gipsy hordes +along the banks of the Danube. There was, as I have said, not an inn +in the town fit for a gentleman of condition to dwell in. Those +luckless fellows who could not keep a carriage, and walked the +streets at night, ran imminent risks of the knives of the women and +ruffians who lay in wait there,--of a set of ragged savage villains, +who neither knew the use of shoe nor razor; and as a gentleman +entered his chair or his chariot, to be carried to his evening rout, +or the play, the flambeaux of the footmen would light up such a set +of wild gibbering Milesian faces as would frighten a genteel person +of average nerves. I was luckily endowed with strong ones; besides, +had seen my amiable countrymen before. + +I know this description of them will excite anger among some Irish +patriots, who don't like to have the nakedness of our land abused, +and are angry if the whole truth be told concerning it. But bah! it +was a poor provincial place, Dublin, in the old days of which I +speak; and many a tenth-rate German residency is more genteel. There +were, it is true, near three hundred resident Peers at the period; +and a House of Commons; and my Lord Mayor and his corporation; and a +roystering noisy University, whereof the students made no small +disturbances nightly, patronised the roundhouse, ducked obnoxious +printers and tradesmen, and gave the law at the Crow Street Theatre. +But I had seen too much of the first society of Europe to be much +tempted by the society of these noisy gentry, and was a little too +much of a gentleman to mingle with the disputes and politics of my +Lord Mayor and his Aldermen. In the House of Commons there were some +dozen of right pleasant fellows. I never heard in the English +Parliament better speeches than from Flood, and Daly, of Galway. +Dick Sheridan, though not a well-bred person, was as amusing and +ingenious a table-companion as ever I met; and though during Mr. +Edmund Burke's interminable speeches in the English House I used +always to go to sleep, I yet have heard from well-informed parties +that Mr. Burke was a person of considerable abilities, and even +reputed to be eloquent in his more favourable moments. + +I soon began to enjoy to the full extent the pleasures that the +wretched place affords, and which were within a gentleman's reach: +Ranelagh and the Ridotto; Mr. Mossop, at Crow Street; my Lord +Lieutenant's parties, where there was a great deal too much boozing, +and too little play, to suit a person of my elegant and refined +habits. 'Daly's Coffee-house,' and the houses of the nobility, were +soon open to me; and I remarked with astonishment in the higher +circles, what I had experienced in the lower on my first unhappy +visit to Dublin, an extraordinary want of money, and a preposterous +deal of promissory notes flying about, for which I was quite +unwilling to stake my guineas. The ladies, too, were mad for play; +but exceeding unwilling to pay when they lost. Thus, when the old +Countess of Trumpington lost ten pieces to me at quadrille, she gave +me, instead of the money, her Ladyship's note of hand on her agent +in Galway; which I put, with a great deal of politeness, into the +candle. But when the Countess made me a second proposition to play, +I said that as soon as her Ladyship's remittances were arrived, I +would be the readiest person to meet her; but till then was her very +humble servant. And I maintained this resolution and singular +character throughout the Dublin society: giving out at 'Daly's' that +I was ready to play any man, for any sum, at any game; or to fence +with him, or to ride with him (regard being had to our weight), or +to shoot flying, or at a mark; and in this latter accomplishment, +especially if the mark be a live one, Irish gentlemen of that day +had no ordinary skill. + +Of course I despatched a courier in my liveries to Castle Lyndon +with a private letter for Runt, demanding from him full particulars +of the Countess of Lyndon's state of health and mind; and a touching +and eloquent letter to her Ladyship, in which I bade her remember +ancient days, which I tied up with a single hair from the lock which +I had purchased from her woman, and in which I told her that +Sylvander remembered his oath, and could never forget his Calista. +The answer I received from her was exceedingly unsatisfactory and +inexplicit; that from Mr. Runt explicit enough, but not at all +pleasant in its contents. My Lord George Poynings, the Marquess of +Tiptoff's younger son, was paying very marked addresses to the +widow; being a kinsman of the family, and having been called to +Ireland relative to the will of the deceased Sir Charles Lyndon. + +Now, there was a sort of rough-and-ready law in Ireland in those +days, which was of great convenience to persons desirous of +expeditious justice; and of which the newspapers of the time contain +a hundred proofs. Fellows with the nicknames of Captain Fireball, +Lieutenant Buffcoat, and Ensign Steele, were repeatedly sending +warning letters to landlords, and murdering them if the notes were +unattended to. The celebrated Captain Thunder ruled in the southern +counties, and his business seemed to be to procure wives for +gentlemen who had not sufficient means to please the parents of the +young ladies; or, perhaps, had not time for a long and intricate +courtship. + +I had found my cousin Ulick at Dublin, grown very fat, and very +poor; hunted up by Jews and creditors: dwelling in all sorts of +queer corners, from which he issued at nightfall to the Castle, or +to his card-party at his tavern; but he was always the courageous +fellow: and I hinted to him the state of my affections regarding +Lady Lyndon. + +'The Countess of Lyndon!' said poor Ulick; 'well, that IS a wonder. +I myself have been mightily sweet upon a young lady, one of the +Kiljoys of Ballyhack, who has ten thousand pounds to her fortune, +and to whom her Ladyship is guardian; but how is a poor fellow +without a coat to his back to get on with an heiress in such company +as that? I might as well propose for the Countess myself.' + +'You had better not,' said I, laughing; 'the man who tries runs a +chance of going out of the world first.' And I explained to him my +own intention regarding Lady Lyndon. Honest Ulick, whose respect for +me was prodigious when he saw how splendid my appearance was, and +heard how wonderful my adventures and great my experience of +fashionable life had been, was lost in admiration of my daring and +energy, when I confided to him my intention of marrying the greatest +heiress in England. + +I bade Ulick go out of town on any pretext he chose, and put a +letter into a post-office near Castle Lyndon, which I prepared in a +feigned hand, and in which I gave a solemn warning to Lord George +Poynings to quit the country; saying that the great prize was never +meant for the likes of him, and that there were heiresses enough in +England, without coming to rob them out of the domains of Captain +Fireball. The letter was written on a dirty piece of paper, in the +worst of spelling: it came to my Lord by the post-conveyance, and, +being a high-spirited young man, he of course laughed at it. + +As ill-luck would have it for him, he appeared in Dublin a very +short time afterwards; was introduced to the Chevalier Redmond +Barry, at the Lord Lieutenant's table; adjourned with him and +several other gentlemen to the club at 'Daly's,' and there, in a +dispute about the pedigree of a horse, in which everybody said I was +in the right, words arose, and a meeting was the consequence. I had +had no affair in Dublin since my arrival, and people were anxious to +see whether I was equal to my reputation. I make no boast about +these matters, but always do them when the time comes; and poor Lord +George, who had a neat hand and a quick eye enough, but was bred in +the clumsy English school, only stood before my point until I had +determined where I should hit him. + +My sword went in under his guard, and came out at his back. When he +fell, he good-naturedly extended his hand to me, and said, 'Mr. +Barry, I was wrong!' I felt not very well at ease when the poor +fellow made this confession: for the dispute had been of my making, +and, to tell the truth, I had never intended it should end in any +other way than a meeting. + +He lay on his bed for four months with the effects of that wound; +and the same post which conveyed to Lady Lyndon the news of the +duel, carried her a message from Captain Fireball to say, 'This is +NUMBER ONE!' + +'You, Ulick,' said I, 'shall be NUMBER TWO.' + +''Faith,' said my cousin, 'one's enough:' But I had my plan +regarding him, and determined at once to benefit this honest fellow, +and to forward my own designs upon the widow. + +CHAPTER XV + +I PAY COURT TO MY LADY LYNDON + +As my uncle's attainder was not reversed for being out with the +Pretender in 1745, it would have been inconvenient for him to +accompany his nephew to the land of our ancestors; where, if not +hanging, at least a tedious process of imprisonment, and a doubtful +pardon, would have awaited the good old gentleman. In any important +crisis of my life, his advice was always of advantage to me, and I +did not fail to seek it at this juncture, and to implore his counsel +as regarded my pursuit of the widow. I told him the situation of her +heart, as I have described it in the last chapter; of the progress +that young Poynings had made in her affections, and of her +forgetfulness of her old admirer; and I got a letter, in reply, full +of excellent suggestions, by which I did not fail to profit. The +kind Chevalier prefaced it by saying, that he was for the present +boarding in the Minorite convent at Brussels; that he had thoughts +of making his salut there, and retiring for ever from the world, +devoting himself to the severest practices of religion. Meanwhile he +wrote with regard to the lovely widow: it was natural that a person +of her vast wealth and not disagreeable person should have many +adorers about her; and that, as in her husband's lifetime she had +shown herself not at all disinclined to receive my addresses, I must +make no manner of doubt I was not the first person whom she had so +favoured; nor was I likely to be the last. + +'I would, my dear child,' he added, 'that the ugly attainder round +my neck, and the resolution I have formed of retiring from a world +of sin and vanity altogether, did not prevent me from coming +personally to your aid in this delicate crisis of your affairs; for, +to lead them to a good end, it requires not only the indomitable +courage, swagger, and audacity, which you possess beyond any young +man I have ever known' (as for the 'swagger,' as the Chevalier calls +it, I deny it in toto, being always most modest in my demeanour); +'but though you have the vigour to execute, you have not the +ingenuity to suggest plans of conduct for the following out of a +scheme that is likely to be long and difficult of execution. Would +you have ever thought of the brilliant scheme of the Countess Ida, +which so nearly made you the greatest fortune in Europe, but for the +advice and experience of a poor old man, now making up his accounts +with the world, and about to retire from it for good and all? + +'Well, with regard to the Countess of Lyndon, your manner of winning +her is quite en l'air at present to me; nor can I advise day by day, +as I would I could, according to circumstances as they arise. But +your general scheme should be this. If I remember the letters you +used to have from her during the period of the correspondence which +the silly woman entertained you with, much high-flown sentiment +passed between you; and especially was written by her Ladyship +herself: she is a blue-stocking, and fond of writing; she used to +make her griefs with her husband the continual theme of her +correspondence (as women will do). I recollect several passages in +her letters bitterly deploring her fate in being united to one so +unworthy of her. + +'Surely, in the mass of billets you possess from her, there must be +enough to compromise her. Look them well over; select passages, and +threaten to do so. Write to her at first in the undoubting tone of a +lover who has every claim upon her. Then, if she is silent, +remonstrate, alluding to former promises from her; producing proofs +of her former regard for you; vowing despair, destruction, revenge, +if she prove unfaithful. Frighten her--astonish her by some daring +feat, which will let her see your indomitable resolution: you are +the man to do it. Your sword has a reputation in Europe, and you +have a character for boldness; which was the first thing that caused +my Lady Lyndon to turn her eyes upon you. Make the people talk about +you at Dublin. Be as splendid, and as brave, and as odd as possible. +How I wish I were near you! You have no imagination to invent such a +character as I would make for you--but why speak; have I not had +enough of the world and its vanities?' + +There was much practical good sense in this advice; which I quote, +unaccompanied with the lengthened description of his mortifications +and devotions which my uncle indulged in, finishing his letter, as +usual, with earnest prayers for my conversion to the true faith. But +he was constant to his form of worship; and I, as a man of honour +and principle, was resolute to mine; and have no doubt that the one, +in this respect, will be as acceptable as the other. + +Under these directions it was, then, I wrote to Lady Lyndon, to ask +on my arrival when the most respectful of her admirers might be +permitted to intrude upon her grief? Then, as her Ladyship was +silent, I demanded, Had she forgotten old times, and one whom she +had favoured with her intimacy at a very happy period? Had Calista +forgotten Eugenio? At the same time I sent down by my servant with +this letter a present of a little sword for Lord Bullingdon, and a +private note to his governor; whose note of hand, by the way, I +possessed for a sum--I forget what--but such as the poor fellow +would have been very unwilling to pay. To this an answer came from +her Ladyship's amanuensis, stating that Lady Lyndon was too much +disturbed by grief at her recent dreadful calamity to see any one +but her own relations; and advices from my friend, the boy's +governor, stating that my Lord George Poynings was the young kinsman +who was about to console her. + +This caused the quarrel between me and the young nobleman; whom I +took care to challenge on his first arrival at Dublin. + +When the news of the duel was brought to the widow at Castle Lyndon, +my informant wrote me that Lady Lyndon shrieked and flung down the +journal, and said, 'The horrible monster! He would not shrink from +murder, I believe;' and little Lord Bullingdon, drawing his sword-- +the sword I had given him, the rascal!--declared he would kill with +it the man who had hurt Cousin George. On Mr. Runt telling him that +I was the donor of the weapon, the little rogue still vowed that he +would kill me all the same! Indeed, in spite of my kindness to him, +that boy always seemed to detest me. + +Her Ladyship sent up daily couriers to inquire after the health of +Lord George; and, thinking to myself that she would probably be +induced to come to Dublin if she were to hear that he was in danger, +I managed to have her informed that he was in a precarious state; +that he grew worse; that Redmond Barry had fled in consequence: of +this flight I caused the Mercury newspaper to give notice also, but +indeed it did not carry me beyond the town of Bray, where my poor +mother dwelt; and where, under the difficulties of a duel, I might +be sure of having a welcome. + +Those readers who have the sentiment of filial duty strong in their +mind, will wonder that I have not yet described my interview with +that kind mother whose sacrifices for me in youth had been so +considerable, and for whom a man of my warm and affectionate nature +could not but feel the most enduring and sincere regard. + +But a man, moving in the exalted sphere of society in which I now +stood, has his public duties to perform before he consults his +private affections; and so, upon my first arrival, I despatched a +messenger to Mrs. Barry, stating my arrival, conveying to her my +sentiments of respect and duty, and promising to pay them to her +personally so soon as my business in Dublin would leave me free. + +This, I need not say, was very considerable. I had my horses to buy, +my establishment to arrange, my entree into the genteel world to +make; and, having announced my intention to purchase horses and live +in a genteel style, was in a couple of days so pestered by visits of +the nobility and gentry, and so hampered by invitations to dinners +and suppers, that it became exceedingly difficult for me during some +days to manage my anxiously desired visit to Mrs. Barry. + +It appears that the good soul provided an entertainment as soon as +she heard of my arrival, and invited all her humble acquaintances of +Bray to be present: but I was engaged subsequently to my Lord +Ballyragget on the day appointed, and was, of course, obliged to +break the promise that I had made to Mrs. Barry to attend her humble +festival. + +I endeavoured to sweeten the disappointment by sending my mother a +handsome satin sack and velvet robe, which I purchased for her at +the best mercers in Dublin (and indeed told her I had brought from +Paris expressly for her); but the messenger whom I despatched with +the presents brought back the parcels, with the piece of satin torn +half way up the middle: and I did not need his descriptions to be +aware that something had offended the good lady; who came out, he +said, and abused him at the door, and would have boxed his cars, but +that she was restrained by a gentleman in black; who I concluded, +with justice, was her clerical friend Mr. Jowls. + +This reception of my presents made me rather dread than hope for an +interview with Mrs. Barry, and delayed my visit to her for some days +further. I wrote her a dutiful and soothing letter, to which there +was no answer returned; although I mentioned that on my way to the +capital I had been at Barryville, and revisited the old haunts of my +youth. + +I don't care to own that she is the only human being whom I am +afraid to face. I can recollect her fits of anger as a child, and +the reconciliations, which used to be still more violent and +painful: and so, instead of going myself, I sent my factotum, Ulick +Brady, to her; who rode back, saying that he had met with a +reception he would not again undergo for twenty guineas; that he had +been dismissed the house, with strict injunctions to inform me that +my mother disowned me for ever. This parental anathema, as it were, +affected me much, for I was always the most dutiful of sons; and I +determined to go as soon as possible, and brave what I knew must be +an inevitable scene of reproach and anger, for the sake, as I hoped, +of as certain a reconciliation. + +I had been giving one night an entertainment to some of the +genteelest company in Dublin, and was showing my Lord Marquess +downstairs with a pair of wax tapers, when I found a woman in a grey +coat seated at my doorsteps: to whom, taking her for a beggar, I +tendered a piece of money, and whom my noble friends, who were +rather hot with wine, began to joke, as my door closed and I bade +them all good-night. + +I was rather surprised and affected to find afterwards that the +hooded woman was no other than my mother; whose pride had made her +vow that she would not enter my doors, but whose natural maternal +yearnings had made her long to see her son's face once again, and +who had thus planted herself in disguise at my gate. Indeed, I have +found in my experience that these are the only women who never +deceive a man, and whose affection remains constant through all +trials. Think of the hours that the kind soul must have passed, +lonely in the street, listening to the din and merriment within my +apartments, the clinking of the glasses, the laughing, the choruses, +and the cheering. + +When my affair with Lord George happened, and it became necessary to +me, for the reasons I have stated, to be out of the way; now, +thought I, is the time to make my peace with my good mother: she +will never refuse me an asylum now that I seem in distress. So +sending to her a notice that I was coming, that I had had a duel +which had brought me into trouble, and required I should go into +hiding, I followed my messenger half-an-hour afterwards: and, I +warrant me, there was no want of a good reception, for presently, +being introduced into an empty room by the barefooted maid who +waited upon Mrs. Barry, the door was opened, and the poor mother +flung herself into my arms with a scream, and with transports of joy +which I shall not attempt to describe--they are but to be +comprehended by women who have held in their arms an only child +after a twelve years' absence from him. + +The Reverend Mr. Jowls, my mother's director, was the only person to +whom the door of her habitation was opened during my sojourn; and he +would take no denial. He mixed for himself a glass of rum-punch, +which he seemed in the habit of drinking at my good mother's charge, +groaned aloud, and forthwith began reading me a lecture upon the +sinfulness of my past courses, and especially of the last horrible +action I had been committing. + +'Sinful!' said my mother, bristling up when her son was attacked; +'sure we're all sinners; and it's you, Mr. Jowls, who have given me +the inexpressible blessing to let me know THAT. But how else would +you have had the poor child behave?' + +'I would have had the gentleman avoid the drink, and the quarrel, +and this wicked duel altogether,' answered the clergyman. + +But my mother cut him short, by saying such sort of conduct might be +very well in a person of his cloth and his birth, but it neither +became a Brady nor a Barry. In fact, she was quite delighted with +the thought that I had pinked an English marquis's son in a duel; +and so, to console her, I told her of a score more in which I had +been engaged, and of some of which I have already informed the +reader. + +As my late antagonist was in no sort of danger when I spread that +report of his perilous situation, there was no particular call that +my hiding should be very close. But the widow did not know the fact +as well as I did: and caused her house to be barricaded, and Becky, +her barefooted serving-wench, to be a perpetual sentinel to give +alarm, lest the officers should be in search of me. + +The only person I expected, however, was my cousin Ulick, who was to +bring me the welcome intelligence of Lady Lyndon's arrival; and I +own, after two days' close confinement at Bray, in which I narrated +all the adventures of my life to my mother, and succeeded in making +her accept the dresses she had formerly refused, and a considerable +addition to her income which I was glad to make, I was very glad +when I saw that reprobate Ulick Brady, as my mother called him, ride +up to the door in my carriage with the welcome intelligence for my +mother, that the young lord was out of danger; and for me, that the +Countess of Lyndon had arrived in Dublin. + +'And I wish, Redmond, that the young gentleman had been in danger a +little longer,' said the widow, her eyes filling with tears, 'and +you'd have stayed so much the more with your poor old mother.' But I +dried her tears, embracing her warmly, and promised to see her +often; and hinted I would have, mayhap, a house of my own and a +noble daughter to welcome her. + +'Who is she, Redmond dear?' said the old lady. + +'One of the noblest and richest women in the empire, mother,' +answered I. 'No mere Brady this time,' I added, laughing: with which +hopes I left Mrs. Barry in the best of tempers. + +No man can bear less malice than I do; and, when I have once carried +my point, I am one of the most placable creatures in the world. I +was a week in Dublin before I thought it necessary to quit that +capital. I had become quite reconciled to my rival in that time; +made a point of calling at his lodgings, and speedily became an +intimate consoler of his bed-side. He had a gentleman to whom I did +not neglect to be civil, and towards whom I ordered my people to be +particular in their attentions; for I was naturally anxious to learn +what my Lord George's position with the lady of Castle Lyndon had +really been, whether other suitors were about the widow, and how she +would bear the news of his wound. + +The young nobleman himself enlightened me somewhat upon the subjects +I was most desirous to inquire into. + +'Chevalier,' said he to me one morning when I went to pay him my +compliments, 'I find you are an old acquaintance with my kinswoman, +the Countess of Lyndon. She writes me a page of abuse of you in a +letter here; and the strange part of the story is this, that one day +when there was talk about you at Castle Lyndon, and the splendid +equipage you were exhibiting in Dublin, the fair widow vowed and +protested she never had heard of you. + +'"Oh yes, mamma," said the little Bullingdon, "the tall dark man at +Spa with the cast in his eye, who used to make my governor tipsy and +sent me the sword: his name is Mr. Barry." + +'But my Lady ordered the boy out of the room, and persisted in +knowing nothing about you.' + +'And are you a kinsman and acquaintance of my Lady Lyndon, my Lord?' +said I, in a tone of grave surprise. + +'Yes, indeed,' answered the young gentleman. 'I left her house but +to get this ugly wound from you. And it came at a most unlucky time +too.' + +'Why more unlucky now than at another moment?' + +'Why, look you, Chevalier, I think the widow was not unpartial to +me. I think I might have induced her to make our connection a little +closer: and faith, though she is older than I am, she is the richest +party now in England.' + +'My Lord George,' said I, 'will you let me ask you a frank but an +odd question?--will you show me her letters?' + +'Indeed I'll do no such thing,' replied he, in a rage. + +'Nay, don't be angry. If _I_ show you letters of Lady Lyndon's to +me, will you let me see hers to you?' + +'What, in Heaven's name, do you mean, Mr. Barry?' said the young +gentleman. + +'_I_ mean that I passionately loved Lady Lyndon. I mean that I am a +--that I rather was not indifferent to her. I mean that I love her +to distraction at this present moment, and will die myself, or kill +the man who possesses her before me.' + +'YOU marry the greatest heiress and the noblest blood in England?' +said Lord George haughtily. + +'There's no nobler blood in Europe than mine,' answered I: 'and I +tell you I don't know whether to hope or not. But this I know, that +there were days in which, poor as I am, the great heiress did not +disdain to look down upon my poverty: and that any man who marries +her passes over my dead body to do it. It's lucky for you,' I added +gloomily, 'that on the occasion of my engagement with you, I did not +know what were your views regarding my Lady Lyndon. My poor boy, you +are a lad of courage and I love you. Mine is the first sword in +Europe, and you would have been lying in a narrower bed than that +you now occupy.' + +'Boy!' said Lord George: 'I am not four years younger than you are.' + +'You are forty years younger than I am in experience. I have passed +through every grade of life. With my own skill and daring I have +made my own fortune. I have been in fourteen pitched battles as a +private soldier, and have been twenty-three times on the ground, and +never was touched but once; and that was by the sword of a French +maitre-d'armes, Whom I killed. I started in life at seventeen, a +beggar, and am now at seven-and-twenty, with twenty thousand +guineas. Do you suppose a man of my courage and energy can't attain +anything that he dares, and that having claims upon the widow, I +will not press them?' + +This speech was not exactly true to the letter (for I had multiplied +my pitched battles, my duels, and my wealth somewhat); but I saw +that it made the impression I desired to effect upon the young +gentleman's mind, who listened to my statement with peculiar +seriousness, and whom I presently left to digest it. + +A couple of days afterwards I called to see him again, when I +brought with me some of the letters that had passed between me and +my Lady Lyndon. 'Here,' said I, 'look--I show it you in confidence-- +it is a lock of her Ladyship's hair; here are her letters signed +Calista, and addressed to Eugenio. Here is a poem, "When Sol bedecks +the mead with light, And pallid Cynthia sheds her ray," addressed by +her Ladyship to your humble servant.' + +'Calista! Eugenio! Sol bedecks the mead with light?' cried the young +lord. 'Am I dreaming? Why, my dear Barry, the widow has sent me the +very poem herself! "Rejoicing in the sunshine bright, Or musing in +the evening grey."' + +I could not help laughing as he made the quotation. They were, in +fact, the very words MY Calista had addressed to me. And we found, +upon comparing letters, that whole passages of eloquence figured in +the one correspondence which appeared in the other. See what it is +to be a blue-stocking and have a love of letter-writing! + +The young man put down the papers in great perturbation. 'Well, +thank Heaven!' said he, after a pause of some duration,--'thank +Heaven for a good riddance! Ah, Mr. Barry, what a woman I MIGHT have +married had these lucky papers not come in my way! I thought my Lady +Lyndon had a heart, sir, I must confess, though not a very warm one; +and that, at least, one could TRUST her. But marry her now! I would +as lief send my servant into the street to get me a wife, as put up +with such an Ephesian matron as that.' + +'My Lord George,' said I, 'you little know the world. Remember what +a bad husband Lady Lyndon had, and don't be astonished that she, on +her side, should be indifferent. Nor has she, I will dare to wager, +ever passed beyond the bounds of harmless gallantry, or sinned +beyond the composing of a sonnet or a billet-doux.' + +'My wife,' said the little lord, 'shall write no sonnets or billets- +doux; and I'm heartily glad to think I have obtained, in good time, +a knowledge of the heartless vixen with whom I thought myself for a +moment in love.' + +The wounded young nobleman was either, as I have said, very young +and green in matters of the world--for to suppose that a man would +give up forty thousand a year, because, forsooth, the lady connected +with it had written a few sentimental letters to a young fellow, is +too absurd--or, as I am inclined to believe, he was glad of an +excuse to quit the field altogether, being by no means anxious to +meet the victorious sword of Redmond Barry a second time. + +When the idea of Poynings' danger, or the reproaches probably +addressed by him to the widow regarding myself, had brought this +exceedingly weak and feeble woman up to Dublin, as I expected, and +my worthy Ulick had informed me of her arrival, I quitted my good +mother, who was quite reconciled to me (indeed the duel had done +that), and found the disconsolate Calista was in the habit of paying +visits to the wounded swain; much to the annoyance, the servants +told me, of that gentleman. The English are often absurdly high and +haughty upon a point of punctilio; and, after his kinswoman's +conduct, Lord Poynings swore he would have no more to do with her. + +I had this information from his Lordship's gentleman; with whom, as +I have said, I took particular care to be friends; nor was I denied +admission by his porter, when I chose to call, as before. + +Her Ladyship had most likely bribed that person, as I had; for she +had found her way up, though denied admission; and, in fact, I had +watched her from her own house to Lord George Poynings' lodgings, +and seen her descend from her chair there and enter, before I myself +followed her. I proposed to await her quietly in the ante-room, to +make a scene there, and reproach her with infidelity, if necessary; +but matters were, as it happened, arranged much more conveniently +for me; and walking, unannounced, into the outer room of his +Lordship's apartments, I had the felicity of hearing in the next +chamber, of which the door was partially open, the voice of my +Calista. She was in full cry, appealing to the poor patient, as he +lay confined in his bed, and speaking in the most passionate manner. +'What can lead you, George,' she said, 'to doubt of my faith? How +can you break my heart by casting me off in this monstrous manner? +Do you wish to drive your poor Calista to the grave? Well, well, I +shall join there the dear departed angel.' + +'Who entered it three months since,' said Lord George, with a sneer. +'It's a wonder you have survived so long.' + +'Don't treat your poor Calista in this cruel cruel manner, Antonio!' +cried the widow. + +'Bah!' said Lord George, 'my wound is bad. My doctors forbid me much +talk. Suppose your Antonio tired, my dear. Can't you console +yourself with somebody else?' + +'Heavens, Lord George! Antonio!' + +'Console yourself with Eugenio,' said the young nobleman bitterly, +and began ringing his bell; on which his valet, who was in an inner +room, came out, and he bade him show her Ladyship downstairs. + +Lady Lyndon issued from the room in the greatest flurry. She was +dressed in deep weeds, with a veil over her face, and did not +recognise the person waiting in the outer apartment. As she went +down the stairs, I stepped lightly after her, and as her chairman +opened her door, sprang forward, and took her hand to place her in +the vehicle. 'Dearest widow,' said I, 'his Lordship spoke correctly. +Console yourself with Eugenio!' She was too frightened even to +scream, as her chairman carried her away. She was set down at her +house, and you may be sure that I was at the chair-door, as before, +to help her out. + +'Monstrous man!' said she, 'I desire you to leave me.' + +'Madam, it would be against my oath,' replied I; 'recollect the vow +Eugenio sent to Calista.' + +'If you do not quit me, I will call for the domestics to turn you +from the door.' + +'What! when I am come with my Calista's letters in my pocket, to +return them mayhap? You can soothe, madam, but you cannot frighten +Redmond Barry.' + +'What is it you would have of me, sir?' said the widow, rather +agitated. + +'Let me come upstairs, and I will tell you all,' I replied; and she +condescended to give me her hand, and to permit me to lead her from +her chair to her drawing-room. + +When we were alone I opened my mind honourably to her. + +'Dearest madam,' said I, 'do not let your cruelty drive a desperate +slave to fatal measures. I adore you. In former days you allowed me +to whisper my passion to you unrestrained; at present you drive me +from your door, leave my letters unanswered, and prefer another to +me. My flesh and blood cannot bear such treatment. Look upon the +punishment I have been obliged to inflict; tremble at that which I +may be compelled to administer to that unfortunate young man: so +sure as he marries you, madam, he dies.' + +'I do not recognise,' said the widow, 'the least right you have to +give the law to the Countess of Lyndon: I do not in the least +understand your threats, or heed them. What has passed between me +and an Irish adventurer that should authorise this impertinent +intrusion?' + +'THESE have passed, madam,' said I,--'Calista's letters to Eugenio. +They may have been very innocent; but will the world believe it? You +may have only intended to play with the heart of the poor artless +Irish gentleman who adored and confided in you. But who will believe +the stories of your innocence, against the irrefragable testimony of +your own handwriting? Who will believe that you could write these +letters in the mere wantonness of coquetry, and not under the +influence of affection?' + +'Villain!' cried my Lady Lyndon, 'could you dare to construe out of +those idle letters of mine any other meaning than that which they +really bear?' + +'I will construe anything out of them,' said I; 'such is the passion +which animates me towards you. I have sworn it--you must and shall +be mine! Did you ever know me promise to accomplish a thing and +fail? Which will you prefer to have from me--a love such as woman +never knew from man before, or a hatred to which there exists no +parallel?' + +'A woman of my rank, sir, can fear nothing from the hatred of an +adventurer like yourself,' replied the lady, drawing up stately. + +'Look at your Poynings--was HE of your rank? You are the cause of +that young man's wound, madam; and, but that the instrument of your +savage cruelty relented, would have been the author of his murder-- +yes, of his murder; for, if a wife is faithless, does not she arm +the husband who punishes the seducer! And I look upon you, Honoria +Lyndon, as my wife.' + +'Husband? wife, sir!' cried the widow, quite astonished. + +'Yes, wife! husband! I am not one of those poor souls with whom +coquettes can play, and who may afterwards throw them aside. You +would forget what passed between us at Spa: Calista would forget +Eugenio; but I will not let you forget me. You thought to trifle +with my heart, did you? When once moved, Honoria, it is moved for +ever. I love you--love as passionately now as I did when my passion +was hopeless; and, now that I can win you, do you think I will +forego you? Cruel cruel Calista! you little know the power of your +own charms if you think their effect is so easily obliterated--you +little know the constancy of this pure and noble heart if you think +that, having once loved, it can ever cease to adore you. No! I swear +by your cruelty that I will revenge it; by your wonderful beauty +that I will win it, and be worthy to win it. Lovely, fascinating, +fickle, cruel woman! you shall be mine--I swear it! Your wealth may +be great; but am I not of a generous nature enough to use it +worthily? Your rank is lofty; but not so lofty as my ambition. You +threw yourself away once on a cold and spiritless debauchee: give +yourself now, Honoria, to a MAN; and one who, however lofty your +rank may be, will enhance it and become it!' + +As I poured words to this effect out on the astonished widow, I +stood over her, and fascinated her with the glance of my eye; saw +her turn red and pale with fear and wonder; saw that my praise of +her charms and the exposition of my passion were not unwelcome to +her, and witnessed with triumphant composure the mastery I was +gaining over her. Terror, be sure of that, is not a bad ingredient +of love. A man who wills fiercely to win the heart of a weak and +vapourish woman MUST succeed, if he have opportunity enough. + +'Terrible man!' said Lady Lyndon, shrinking from me as soon as I had +done speaking (indeed, I was at a loss for words, and thinking of +another speech to make to her)--'terrible man! leave me.' + +I saw that I had made an impression on her, from those very words. +'If she lets me into the house to-morrow,' said I, 'she is mine.' + +As I went downstairs I put ten guineas into the hand of the hall- +porter, who looked quite astonished at such a gift. + +'It is to repay you for the trouble of opening the door to me,' said +I; 'you will have to do so often.' + +CHAPTER XVI + +I PROVIDE NOBLY FOR MY FAMILY + +The next day when I went back, my fears were realised: the door was +refused to me--my Lady was not at home. This I knew to be false: I +had watched the door the whole morning from a lodging I took at a +house opposite. + +'Your lady is not out,' said I: 'she has denied me, and I can't, of +course, force my way to her. But listen: you are an Englishman?' +'That I am,' said the fellow, with an air of the utmost superiority. +'Your honour could tell that by my HACCENT.' + +I knew he was, and might therefore offer him a bribe. An Irish +family servant in rags, and though his wages were never paid him, +would probably fling the money in your face. + +'Listen, then,' said I. 'Your lady's letters pass through your +hands, don't they? A crown for every one that you bring me to read. +There is a whisky-shop in the next street; bring them there when you +go to drink, and call for me by the name of Dermot.' + +'I recollect your honour at SPAR,' says the fellow, grinning: +'seven's the main, hey?' and being exceedingly proud of this +reminiscence, I bade my inferior adieu. + +I do not defend this practice of letter-opening in private life, +except in cases of the most urgent necessity: when we must follow +the examples of our betters, the statesmen of all Europe, and, for +the sake of a great good, infringe a little matter of ceremony. My +Lady Lyndon's letters were none the worse for being opened, and a +great deal the better; the knowledge obtained from the perusal of +some of her multifarious epistles enabling me to become intimate +with her character in a hundred ways, and obtain a power over her by +which I was not slow to profit. By the aid of the letters and of my +English friend, whom I always regaled with the best of liquor, and +satisfied with presents of money still more agreeable (I used to put +on a livery in order to meet him, and a red wig, in which it was +impossible to know the dashing and elegant Redmond Barry), I got +such an insight into the widow's movements as astonished her. I knew +beforehand to what public places she would go; they were, on account +of her widowhood, but few: and wherever she appeared, at church or +in the park, I was always ready to offer her her book, or to canter +on horseback by the side of her chariot. + +Many of her Ladyship's letters were the most whimsical rodomontades +that ever blue-stocking penned. She was a woman who took up and +threw off a greater number of dear friends than any one I ever knew. +To some of these female darlings she began presently to write about +my unworthy self, and it was with a sentiment of extreme +satisfaction I found at length that the widow was growing dreadfully +afraid of me; calling me her bete noire, her dark spirit, her +murderous adorer, and a thousand other names indicative of her +extreme disquietude and terror. It was: 'The wretch has been dogging +my chariot through the park,' or, 'my fate pursued me at church,' +and 'my inevitable adorer handed me out of my chair at the +mercer's,' or what not. My wish was to increase this sentiment of +awe in her bosom, and to make her believe that I was a person from +whom escape was impossible. + +To this end I bribed a fortune-teller, whom she consulted along with +a number of the most foolish and distinguished people of Dublin, in +those days; and who, although she went dressed like one of her +waiting-women, did not fail to recognise her real rank, and to +describe as her future husband her persevering adorer Redmond Barry, +Esquire. This incident disturbed her very much. She wrote about it +in terms of great wonder and terror to her female correspondents. +'Can this monster,' she wrote, 'indeed do as he boasts, and bend +even Fate to his will?--can he make me marry him though I cordially +detest him, and bring me a slave to his feet. The horrid look of his +black serpent-like eyes fascinates and frightens me: it seems to +follow me everywhere, and even when I close my own eyes, the +dreadful gaze penetrates the lids, and is still upon me.' + +When a woman begins to talk of a man in this way, he is an ass who +does not win her; and, for my part, I used to follow her about, and +put myself in an attitude opposite her, 'and fascinate her with my +glance,' as she said, most assiduously. Lord George Poynings, her +former admirer, was meanwhile keeping his room with his wound, and +seemed determined to give up all claims to her favour; for he denied +her admittance when she called, sent no answer to her multiplied +correspondence, and contented himself by saying generally, that the +surgeon had forbidden him to receive visitors or to answer letters. +Thus, while he went into the background, I came forward, and took +good care that no other rivals should present themselves with any +chance of success; for, as soon as I heard of one, I had a quarrel +fastened on him, and, in this way, pinked two more, besides my first +victim Lord George. I always took another pretext for quarrelling +with them than the real one of attention to Lady Lyndon, so that no +scandal or hurt to her Ladyship's feelings might arise in +consequence; but she very well knew what was the meaning of these +duels; and the young fellows of Dublin, too, by laying two and two +together, began to perceive that there was a certain dragon in watch +for the wealthy heiress, and that the dragon must be subdued first +before they could get at the lady. I warrant that, after the first +three, not many champions were found to address the lady; and have +often laughed (in my sleeve) to see many of the young Dublin beaux +riding by the side of her carriage scamper off as soon as my bay- +mare and green liveries made their appearance. + +I wanted to impress her with some great and awful instance of my +power, and to this end had determined to confer a great benefit upon +my honest cousin Ulick, and carry off for him the fair object of his +affections, Miss Kiljoy, under the very eyes of her guardian and +friend, Lady Lyndon; and in the teeth of the squires, the young +lady's brothers, who passed the season at Dublin, and made as much +swagger and to-do about their sister's L10,000 Irish, as if she had +had a plum to her fortune. The girl was by no means averse to Mr. +Brady; and it only shows how faint-spirited some men are, and how a +superior genius can instantly overcome difficulties which to common +minds seem insuperable, that he never had thought of running off +with her: as I at once and boldly did. Miss Kiljoy had been a ward +in Chancery until she attained her majority (before which period it +would have been a dangerous matter for me to put in execution the +scheme I meditated concerning her); but, though now free to marry +whom she liked, she was a young lady of timid disposition, and as +much under fear of her brothers and relatives as though she had not +been independent of them. They had some friend of their own in view +for the young lady, and had scornfully rejected the proposal of +Ulick Brady, the ruined gentleman; who was quite unworthy, as these +rustic bucks thought, of the hand of such a prodigiously wealthy +heiress as their sister. + +Finding herself lonely in her great house in Dublin, the Countess of +Lyndon invited her friend Miss Amelia to pass the season with her at +Dublin; and, in a fit of maternal fondness, also sent for her son +the little Bullingdon, and my old acquaintance his governor, to come +to the capital and bear her company. A family coach brought the boy, +the heiress, and the tutor from Castle Lyndon; and I determined to +take the first opportunity of putting my plan in execution. + +For this chance I had not very long to wait. I have said, in a +former chapter of my biography, that the kingdom of Ireland was at +this period ravaged by various parties of banditti; who, under the +name of Whiteboys, Oakboys, Steelboys, with captains at their head, +killed proctors, fired stacks, houghed and maimed cattle, and took +the law into their own hands. One of these bands, or several of them +for what I know, was commanded by a mysterious personage called +Captain Thunder; whose business seemed to be that of marrying people +with or without their own consent, or that of their parents. The +Dublin Gazettes and Mercuries of that period (the year 1772) teem +with proclamations from the Lord Lieutenant, offering rewards for +the apprehension of this dreadful Captain Thunder and his gang, and +describing at length various exploits of the savage aide-de-camp of +Hymen. I determined to make use, if not of the services, at any rate +of the name of Captain Thunder, and put my cousin Ulick in +possession of his lady and her ten thousand pounds. She was no great +beauty, and, I presume, it was the money he loved rather than the +owner of it. + +On account of her widowhood, Lady Lyndon could not as yet frequent +the balls and routs which the hospitable nobility of Dublin were in +the custom of giving; but her friend Miss Kiljoy had no such cause +for retirement, and was glad to attend any parties to which she +might be invited. I made Ulick Brady a present of a couple of +handsome suits of velvet, and by my influence procured him an +invitation to many of the most elegant of these assemblies. But he +had not had my advantages or experience of the manners of Court; was +as shy with ladies as a young colt, and could no more dance a minuet +than a donkey. He made very little way in the polite world or in his +mistress's heart: in fact, I could see that she preferred several +other young gentlemen to him, who were more at home in the ball-room +than poor Ulick; he had made his first impression upon the heiress, +and felt his first flame for her, in her father's house of +Ballykiljoy, where he used to hunt and get drunk with the old +gentleman. + +'I could do THIM two well enough, anyhow,' Ulick would say, heaving +a sigh; 'and if it's drinking or riding across country would do it, +there's no man in Ireland would have a better chance with Amalia.' + +'Never fear, Ulick,' was my reply; 'you shall have your Amalia, or +my name is not Redmond Barry.' + +My Lord Charlemont--who was one of the most elegant and accomplished +noblemen in Ireland in those days, a fine scholar and wit, a +gentleman who had travelled much abroad, where I had the honour of +knowing him--gave a magnificent masquerade at his house of Marino, +some few miles from Dublin, on the Dunleary road. And it was at this +entertainment that I was determined that Ulick should be made happy +for life. Miss Kiljoy was invited to the masquerade, and the little +Lord Bullingdon, who longed to witness such a scene; and it was +agreed that he was to go under the guardianship of his governor, my +old friend the Reverend Mr. Runt. I learned what was the equipage in +which the party were to be conveyed to the ball, and took my +measures accordingly. + +Ulick Brady was not present: his fortune and quality were not +sufficient to procure him an invitation to so distinguished a place, +and I had it given out three days previous that he had been arrested +for debt: a rumour which surprised nobody who knew him. + +I appeared that night in a character with which I was very familiar, +that of a private soldier in the King of Prussia's guard. I had a +grotesque mask made, with an immense nose and moustaches, talked a +jumble of broken English and German, in which the latter greatly +predominated; and had crowds round me laughing at my droll accent, +and whose curiosity was increased by a knowledge of my previous +history. Miss Kiljoy was attired as an antique princess, with little +Bullingdon as a page of the times of chivalry; his hair was in +powder, his doublet rose-colour, and pea-green and silver, and he +looked very handsome and saucy as he strutted about with my sword by +his side. As for Mr. Runt, he walked about very demurely in a +domino, and perpetually paid his respects to the buffet, and ate +enough cold chicken and drank enough punch and champagne to satisfy +a company of grenadiers. + +The Lord Lieutenant came and went in state-the ball was magnificent. +Miss Kiljoy had partners in plenty, among whom was myself, who +walked a minuet with her (if the clumsy waddling of the Irish +heiress may be called by such a name); and I took occasion to plead +my passion for Lady Lyndon in the most pathetic terms, and to beg +her friend's interference in my favour. + +It was three hours past midnight when the party for Lyndon House +went away. Little Bullingdon had long since been asleep in one of +Lady Charlemont's china closets. Mr. Runt was exceedingly husky in +talk, and unsteady in gait. A young lady of the present day would be +alarmed to see a gentleman in such a condition; but it was a common +sight in those jolly old times, when a gentleman was thought a +milksop unless he was occasionally tipsy. I saw Miss Kiljoy to her +carriage, with several other gentlemen: and, peering through the +crowd of ragged linkboys, drivers, beggars, drunken men and women, +who used invariably to wait round great men's doors when festivities +were going on, saw the carriage drive off, with a hurrah from the +mob; then came back presently to the supper-room, where I talked +German, favoured the three or four topers still there with a High- +Dutch chorus, and attacked the dishes and wine with great +resolution. + +'How can you drink aisy with that big nose on?' said one gentleman. + +'Go an be hangt!' said I, in the true accent, applying myself again +to the wine; with which the others laughed, and I pursued my supper +in silence. + +There was a gentleman present who had seen the Lyndon party go off, +with whom I had made a bet, which I lost; and the next morning I +called upon him and paid it him. All which particulars the reader +will be surprised at hearing enumerated; but the fact is, that it +was not I who went back to the party, but my late German valet, who +was of my size, and, dressed in my mask, could perfectly pass for +me. We changed clothes in a hackney-coach that stood near Lady +Lyndon's chariot, and driving after it, speedily overtook it. + +The fated vehicle which bore the lovely object of Ulick Brady's +affections had not advanced very far, when, in the midst of a deep +rut in the road, it came suddenly to with a jolt; the footman, +springing off the back, cried 'Stop!' to the coachman, warning him +that a wheel was off, and that it would be dangerous to proceed with +only three. Wheel-caps had not been invented in those days, as they +have since been by the ingenious builders of Long Acre. And how the +linch-pin of the wheel had come out I do not pretend to say; but it +possibly may have been extracted by some rogues among the crowd +before Lord Charlemont's gate. + +Miss Kiljoy thrust her head out of the window, screaming as ladies +do; Mr. Runt the chaplain woke up from his boozy slumbers; and +little Bullingdon, starting up and drawing his little sword, said, +'Don't be afraid, Miss Amelia: if it's footpads, I am armed.' The +young rascal had the spirit of a lion, that's the truth; as I must +acknowledge, in spite of all my after quarrels with him. + +The hackney-coach which had been following Lady Lyndon's chariot by +this time came up, and the coachman seeing the disaster, stepped +down from his box, and politely requested her Ladyship's honour to +enter his vehicle; which was as clean and elegant as any person of +tiptop quality might desire. This invitation was, after a minute or +two, accepted by the passengers of the chariot: the hackney-coachman +promising to drive them to Dublin 'in a hurry.' Thady, the valet, +proposed to accompany his young master and the young lady; and the +coachman, who had a friend seemingly drunk by his side on the box, +with a grin told Thady to get up behind. However, as the footboard +there was covered with spikes, as a defence against the street-boys, +who love a ride gratis, Thady's fidelity would not induce him to +brave these; and he was persuaded to remain by the wounded chariot, +for which he and the coachman manufactured a linch-pin out of a +neighbouring hedge. + +Meanwhile, although the hackney-coachman drove on rapidly, yet the +party within seemed to consider it was a long distance from Dublin; +and what was Miss Kiljoy's astonishment, on looking out of the +window at length, to see around her a lonely heath, with no signs of +buildings or city. She began forthwith to scream out to the coachman +to stop; but the man only whipped the horses the faster for her +noise, and bade her Ladyship 'hould on--'twas a short cut he was +taking.' + +Miss Kiljoy continued screaming, the coachman flogging, the horses +galloping, until two or three men appeared suddenly from a hedge, to +whom the fair one cried for assistance; and the young Bullingdon +opening the coach-door, jumped valiantly out, toppling over head and +heels as he fell; but jumping up in an instant, he drew his little +sword, and, running towards the carriage, exclaimed, 'This way, +gentlemen! stop the rascal!' + +'Stop!' cried the men; at which the coachman pulled up with +extraordinary obedience. Runt all the while lay tipsy in the +carriage, having only a dreamy half-consciousness of all that was +going on. + +The newly arrived champions of female distress now held a +consultation, in which they looked at the young lord and laughed +considerably. + +'Do not be alarmed,' said the leader, coming up to the door; 'one of +my people shall mount the box by the side of that treacherous +rascal, and, with your Ladyship's leave, I and my companions will +get in and see you home. We are well armed, and can defend you in +case of danger.' + +With this, and without more ado, he jumped into the carriage, his +companion following him. + +'Know your place, fellow!' cried out little Bullingdon indignantly: +'and give place to the Lord Viscount Bullingdon!' and put himself +before the huge person of the new-comer, who was about to enter the +hackney-coach. + +'Get out of that, my Lord,' said the man, in a broad brogue, and +shoving him aside. On which the boy, crying 'Thieves! thieves!' drew +out his little hanger, and ran at the man, and would have wounded +him (for a small sword will wound as well as a great one); but his +opponent, who was armed with a long stick, struck the weapon luckily +out of the lad's hands: it went flying over his head, and left him +aghast and mortified at his discomfiture. + +He then pulled off his hat, making his Lordship a low bow, and +entered the carriage; the door of which was shut upon him by his +confederate, who was to mount the box. Miss Kiljoy might have +screamed; but I presume her shrieks were stopped by the sight of an +enormous horse-pistol which one of her champions produced, who said, +'No harm is intended you, ma'am, but if you cry out, we must gag +you;' on which she suddenly became as mute as a fish. + +All these events took place in an exceedingly short space of time; +and when the three invaders had taken possession of the carriage, +the poor little Bullingdon being left bewildered and astonished on +the heath, one of them putting his head out of the window, said,-- + +'My Lord, a word with you.' + +'What is it?' said the boy, beginning to whimper: he was but eleven +years old, and his courage had been excellent hitherto. + +'You are only two miles from Marino. Walk back till you come to a +big stone, there turn to the right, and keep on straight till you +get to the high-road, when you will easily find your way back. And +when you see her Ladyship your mamma, give CAPTAIN THUNDER'S +compliments, and say Miss Amelia Kiljoy is going to be married.' + +'O heavens!' sighed out that young lady. + +The carriage drove swiftly on, and the poor little nobleman was left +alone on the heath, just as the morning began to break. He was +fairly frightened; and no wonder. He thought of running after the +coach; but his courage and his little legs failed him: so he sat +down upon a stone and cried for vexation. + +It was in this way that Ulick Brady made what I call a Sabine +marriage. When he halted with his two groomsmen at the cottage where +the ceremony was to be performed, Mr. Runt, the chaplain, at first +declined to perform it. But a pistol was held at the head of that +unfortunate preceptor, and he was told, with dreadful oaths, that +his miserable brains would be blown out; when he consented to read +the service. The lovely Amelia had, very likely, a similar +inducement held out to her, but of that I know nothing; for I drove +back to town with the coachman as soon as we had set the bridal +party down, and had the satisfaction of finding Fritz, my German, +arrived before me: he had come back in my carriage in my dress, +having left the masquerade undiscovered, and done everything there +according to my orders. + +Poor Runt came back the next day in a piteous plight, keeping +silence as to his share in the occurrences of the evening, and with +a dismal story of having been drunk, of having been waylaid and +bound, of having been left on the road and picked up by a Wicklow +cart, which was coming in with provisions to Dublin, and found him +helpless on the road. There was no possible means of fixing any +share of the conspiracy upon him. Little Bullingdon, who, too, found +his way home, was unable in any way to identify me. But Lady Lyndon +knew that I was concerned in the plot, for I met her hurrying the +next day to the Castle; all the town being up about the enlevement. +And I saluted her with a smile so diabolical, that I knew she was +aware that I had been concerned in the daring and ingenious scheme. + +Thus it was that I repaid Ulick Brady's kindness to me in early +days; and had the satisfaction of restoring the fallen fortunes of a +deserving branch of my family. He took his bride into Wicklow, where +he lived with her in the strictest seclusion until the affair was +blown over; the Kiljoys striving everywhere in vain to discover his +retreat. They did not for a while even know who was the lucky man +who had carried off the heiress; nor was it until she wrote a letter +some weeks afterwards, signed Amelia Brady, and expressing perfect +happiness in her new condition, and stating that she had been +married by Lady Lyndon's chaplain Mr. Runt, that the truth was +known, and my worthy friend confessed his share of the transaction. +As his good-natured mistress did not dismiss him from his post in +consequence, everybody persisted in supposing that poor Lady Lyndon +was privy to the plot; and the story of her Ladyship's passionate +attachment for me gained more and more credit. + +I was not slow, you may be sure, in profiting by these rumours. +Every one thought I had a share in the Brady marriage; though no one +could prove it. Every one thought I was well with the widowed +Countess; though no one could show that I said so. But there is a +way of proving a thing even while you contradict it, and I used to +laugh and joke so apropos that all men began to wish me joy of my +great fortune, and look up to me as the affianced husband of the +greatest heiress in the kingdom. The papers took up the matter; the +female friends of Lady Lyndon remonstrated with her and cried 'Fie!' +Even the English journals and magazines, which in those days were +very scandalous, talked of the matter; and whispered that a +beautiful and accomplished widow, with a title and the largest +possessions in the two kingdoms, was about to bestow her hand upon a +young gentleman of high birth and fashion, who had distinguished +himself in the service of His M-----y the K--- of Pr----. I won't +say who was the author of these paragraphs; or how two pictures, one +representing myself under the title of 'The Prussian Irishman,' and +the other Lady Lyndon as 'The Countess of Ephesus,' actually +appeared in the Town and Country Magazine, published at London, and +containing the fashionable tittle-tattle of the day. + +Lady Lyndon was so perplexed and terrified by this continual hold +upon her, that she determined to leave the country. Well, she did; +and who was the first to receive her on landing at Holyhead? Your +humble servant, Redmond Barry, Esquire. And, to crown all, the +Dublin Mercury, which announced her Ladyship's departure, announced +mine THE DAY BEFORE. There was not a soul but thought she had +followed me to England; whereas she was only flying me. Vain hope!-- +a man of my resolution was not thus to be balked in pursuit. Had she +fled to the antipodes, I would have been there: ay, and would have +followed her as far as Orpheus did Eurydice! + +Her Ladyship had a house in Berkeley Square, London, more splendid +than that which she possessed in Dublin; and, knowing that she would +come thither, I preceded her to the English capital, and took +handsome apartments in Hill Street, hard by. I had the same +intelligence in her London house which I had procured in Dublin. The +same faithful porter was there to give me all the information I +required. I promised to treble his wages as soon as a certain event +should happen. I won over Lady Lyndon's companion by a present of a +hundred guineas down, and a promise of two thousand when I should be +married, and gained the favours of her favourite lady's-maid by a +bribe of similar magnitude. My reputation had so far preceded me in +London that, on my arrival, numbers of the genteel were eager to +receive me at their routs. We have no idea in this humdrum age what +a gay and splendid place London was then: what a passion for play +there was among young and old, male and female; what thousands were +lost and won in a night; what beauties there were--how brilliant, +gay, and dashing! Everybody was delightfully wicked: the Royal Dukes +of Gloucester and Cumberland set the example; the nobles followed +close behind. Running away was the fashion. Ah! it was a pleasant +time; and lucky was he who had fire, and youth, and money, and could +live in it! I had all these; and the old frequenters of 'White's,' +'Wattier's,' and 'Goosetree's' could tell stories of the gallantry, +spirit, and high fashion of Captain Barry. + +The progress of a love-story is tedious to all those who are not +concerned, and I leave such themes to the hack novel-writers, and +the young boarding-school misses for whom they write. It is not my +intention to follow, step by step, the incidents of my courtship, or +to narrate all the difficulties I had to contend with, and my +triumphant manner of surmounting them. Suffice it to say, I DID +overcome these difficulties. I am of opinion, with my friend the +late ingenious Mr. Wilkes, that such impediments are nothing in the +way of a man of spirit; and that he can convert indifference and +aversion into love, if he have perseverance and cleverness +sufficient. By the time the Countess's widowhood was expired, I had +found means to be received into her house; I had her women +perpetually talking in my favour, vaunting my powers, expatiating +upon my reputation, and boasting of my success and popularity in the +fashionable world. + +Also, the best friends I had in the prosecution of my tender suit +were the Countess's noble relatives; who were far from knowing the +service that they did me, and to whom I beg leave to tender my +heartfelt thanks for the abuse with which they then loaded me! and +to whom I fling my utter contempt for the calumny and hatred with +which they have subsequently pursued me. + +The chief of these amiable persons was the Marchioness of Tiptoff, +mother of the young gentleman whose audacity I had punished at +Dublin. This old harridan, on the Countess's first arrival in +London, waited upon her, and favoured her with such a storm of abuse +for her encouragement of me, that I do believe she advanced my cause +more than six months' courtship could have done, or the pinking of a +half-dozen of rivals. It was in vain that poor Lady Lyndon pleaded +her entire innocence and vowed she had never encouraged me. 'Never +encouraged him!' screamed out the old fury; 'didn't you encourage +the wretch at Spa, during Sir Charles's own life? Didn't you marry a +dependant of yours to one of this profligate's bankrupt cousins? +When he set off for England, didn't you follow him like a mad woman +the very next day? Didn't he take lodgings at your very door almost-- +and do you call this no encouragement? For shame, madam, shame! You +might have married my son--my dear and noble George; but that he did +not choose to interfere with your shameful passion for the beggarly +upstart whom you caused to assassinate him; and the only counsel I +have to give your Ladyship is this, to legitimatise the ties which +you have contracted with this shameless adventurer; to make that +connection legal which, real as it is now, is against both decency +and religion; and to spare your family and your son the shame of +your present line of life.' + +With this the old fury of a marchioness left the room, and Lady +Lyndon in tears: I had the whole particulars of the conversation +from her Ladyship's companion, and augured the best result from it +in my favour. + +Thus, by the sage influence of my Lady Tiptoff, the Countess of +Lyndon's natural friends and family were kept from her society. Even +when Lady Lyndon went to Court the most august lady in the realm +received her with such marked coldness, that the unfortunate widow +came home and took to her bed with vexation. And thus I may say that +Royalty itself became an agent in advancing my suit, and helping the +plans of the poor Irish soldier of fortune. So it is that Fate works +with agents, great and small; and by means over which they have no +control the destinies of men and women are accomplished. + +I shall always consider the conduct of Mrs. Bridget (Lady Lyndon's +favourite maid at this juncture) as a masterpiece of ingenuity: and, +indeed, had such an opinion of her diplomatic skill, that the very +instant I became master of the Lyndon estates, and paid her the +promised sum--I am a man of honour, and rather than not keep my word +with the woman, I raised the money of the Jews, at an exorbitant +interest--as soon, I say, as I achieved my triumph, I took Mrs. +Bridget by the hand, and said, "Madam, you have shown such +unexampled fidelity in my service that I am glad to reward you, +according to my promise; but you have given proofs of such +extraordinary cleverness and dissimulation, that I must decline +keeping you in Lady Lyndon's establishment, and beg you will leave +it this very day:" which she did, and went over to the Tiptoff +faction, and has abused me ever since. + +But I must tell you what she did which was so clever. Why, it was +the simplest thing in the world, as all master-strokes are. When +Lady Lyndon lamented her fate and my--as she was pleased to call it-- +shameful treatment of her, Mrs. Bridget said, 'Why should not your +Ladyship write this young gentleman word of the evil which he is +causing you? Appeal to his feelings (which, I have heard say, are +very good indeed--the whole town is ringing with accounts of his +spirit and generosity), and beg him to desist from a pursuit which +causes the best of ladies so much pain? Do, my Lady, write: I know +your style is so elegant that I, for my part, have many a time burst +into tears in reading your charming letters, and I have no doubt Mr. +Barry will sacrifice anything rather than hurt your feelings.' And, +of course, the abigail swore to the fact. + +'Do you think so, Bridget?' said her Ladyship. And my mistress +forthwith penned me a letter, in her most fascinating and winning +manner:--'Why, sir,' wrote she, 'will you pursue me? why environ me +in a web of intrigue so frightful that my spirit sinks under it, +seeing escape is hopeless from your frightful, your diabolical art? +They say you are generous to others--be so to me. I know your +bravery but too well: exercise it on men who can meet your sword, +not on a poor feeble woman, who cannot resist you. Remember the +friendship you once professed for me. And now, I beseech you, I +implore you, to give a proof of it. Contradict the calumnies which +you have spread against me, and repair, if you can, and if you have +a spark of honour left, the miseries which you have caused to the +heart-broken + +'H. LYNDON.' + +What was this letter meant for but that I should answer it in +person? My excellent ally told me where I should meet Lady Lyndon, +and accordingly I followed, and found her at the Pantheon. I +repeated the scene at Dublin over again; showed her how prodigious +my power was, humble as I was, and that my energy was still untired. +'But,' I added, 'I am as great in good as I am in evil; as fond and +faithful as a friend as I am terrible as an enemy. I will do +everything,' I said, 'which you ask of me, except when you bid me +not to love you. That is beyond my power; and while my heart has a +pulse I must follow you. It is MY fate; your fate. Cease to battle +against it, and be mine. Loveliest of your sex! with life alone can +end my passion for you; and, indeed, it is only by dying at your +command that I can be brought to obey you. Do you wish me to die?' + +She said, laughing (for she was a woman of a lively, humorous turn), +that she did not wish me to commit self-murder; and I felt from that +moment that she was mine. + +. . . . + +A year from that day, on the 15th of May, in the year 1773, I had +the honour and happiness to lead to the altar Honoria, Countess of +Lyndon, widow of the late Right Honourable Sir Charles Lyndon, K.B. +The ceremony was performed at St. George's, Hanover Square, by the +Reverend Samuel Runt, her Ladyship's chaplain. A magnificent supper +and ball was given at our house in Berkeley Square, and the next +morning I had a duke, four earls, three generals, and a crowd of the +most distinguished people in London at my LEVEE. Walpole made a +lampoon about the marriage, and Selwyn cut jokes at the 'Cocoa- +Tree.' Old Lady Tiptoff, although she had recommended it, was ready +to bite off her fingers with vexation; and as for young Bullingdon, +who was grown a tall lad of fourteen, when called upon by the +Countess to embrace his papa, he shook his fist in my face and said, +'HE my father! I would as soon call one of your Ladyship's footmen +Papa!' + +But I could afford to laugh at the rage of the boy and the old +woman, and at the jokes of the wits of St. James's. I sent off a +flaming account of our nuptials to my mother and my uncle the good +Chevalier; and now, arrived at the pitch of prosperity, and having, +at thirty years of age, by my own merits and energy, raised myself +to one of the highest social positions that any man in England could +occupy, I determined to enjoy myself as became a man of quality for +the remainder of my life. + +After we had received the congratulations of our friends in London-- +for in those days people were not ashamed of being married, as they +seem to be now--I and Honoria (who was all complacency, and a most +handsome, sprightly, and agreeable companion) set off to visit our +estates in the West of England, where I had never as yet set foot. +We left London in three chariots, each with four horses; and my +uncle would have been pleased could he have seen painted on their +panels the Irish crown and the ancient coat of the Barrys beside the +Countess's coronet and the noble cognisance of the noble family of +Lyndon. + +Before quitting London, I procured His Majesty's gracious permission +to add the name of my lovely lady to my own; and henceforward +assumed the style and title of BARRY LYNDON, as I have written it in +this autobiography. + +CHAPTER XVII + +I APPEAR AS AN ORNAMENT OF ENGLISH SOCIETY + +All the journey down to Hackton Castle, the largest and most ancient +of our ancestral seats in Devonshire, was performed with the slow +and sober state becoming people of the first quality in the realm. +An outrider in my livery went on before us, and bespoke our lodging +from town to town; and thus we lay in state at Andover, Ilminster, +and Exeter; and the fourth evening arrived in time for supper before +the antique baronial mansion, of which the gate was in an odious +Gothic taste that would have set Mr. Walpole wild with pleasure. + +The first days of a marriage are commonly very trying; and I have +known couples, who lived together like turtle-doves for the rest of +their lives, peck each other's eyes out almost during the honeymoon. +I did not escape the common lot; in our journey westward my Lady +Lyndon chose to quarrel with me because I pulled out a pipe of +tobacco (the habit of smoking which I had acquired in Germany when a +soldier in Billow's, and could never give it over), and smoked it in +the carriage; and also her Ladyship chose to take umbrage both at +Ilminster and Andover, because in the evenings when we lay there I +chose to invite the landlords of the 'Bell' and the 'Lion' to crack +a bottle with me. Lady Lyndon was a haughty woman, and I hate pride; +and I promise you that in both instances I overcame this vice in +her. On the third day of our journey I had her to light my pipematch +with her own hands, and made her deliver it to me with tears in her +eyes; and at the 'Swan Inn' at Exeter I had so completely subdued +her, that she asked me humbly whether I would not wish the landlady +as well as the host to step up to dinner with us. To this I should +have had no objection, for, indeed, Mrs. Bonnyface was a very good- +looking woman; but we expected a visit from my Lord Bishop, a +kinsman of Lady Lyndon, and the BIENSEANCES did not permit the +indulgence of my wife's request. I appeared with her at evening +service, to compliment our right reverend cousin, and put her name +down for twenty-five guineas, and my own for one hundred, to the +famous new organ which was then being built for the cathedral. This +conduct, at the very outset of my career in the county, made me not +a little popular; and the residentiary canon, who did me the favour +to sup with me at the inn, went away after the sixth bottle, +hiccuping the most solemn vows for the welfare of such a p-p-pious +gentleman. + +Before we reached Hackton Castle, we had to drive through ten miles +of the Lyndon estates, where the people were out to visit us, the +church bells set a-ringing, the parson and the farmers assembled in +their best by the roadside, and the school children and the +labouring people were loud in their hurrahs for her Ladyship. I +flung money among these worthy characters, stopped to bow and chat +with his reverence and the farmers, and if I found that the +Devonshire girls were among the handsomest in the kingdom is it my +fault? These remarks my Lady Lyndon especially would take in great +dudgeon; and I do believe she was made more angry by my admiration +of the red cheeks of Miss Betsy Quarringdon of Clumpton, than by any +previous speech or act of mine in the journey. 'Ah, ah, my fine +madam, you are jealous, are you?' thought I, and reflected, not +without deep sorrow, how lightly she herself had acted in her +husband's lifetime, and that those are most jealous who themselves +give most cause for jealousy. + +Round Hackton village the scene of welcome was particularly gay: a +band of music had been brought from Plymouth, and arches and flags +had been raised, especially before the attorney's and the doctor's +houses, who were both in the employ of the family. There were many +hundreds of stout people at the great lodge, which, with the park- +wall, bounds one side of Hackton Green, and from which, for three +miles, goes (or rather went) an avenue of noble elms up to the +towers of the old castle. I wished they had been oak when I cut the +trees down in '79, for they would have fetched three times the +money: I know nothing more culpable than the carelessness of +ancestors in planting their grounds with timber of small value, when +they might just as easily raise oak. Thus I have always said that +the Roundhead Lyndon of Hackton, who planted these elms in Charles +II.'s time, cheated me of ten thousand pounds. + +For the first few days after our arrival, my time was agreeably +spent in receiving the visits of the nobility and gentry who came to +pay their respects to the noble new-married couple, and, like +Bluebeard's wife in the fairy tale, in inspecting the treasures, the +furniture, and the numerous chambers of the castle. It is a huge old +place, built as far back as Henry V.'s time, besieged and battered +by the Cromwellians in the Revolution, and altered and patched up, +in an odious old-fashioned taste, by the Roundhead Lyndon, who +succeeded to the property at the death of a brother whose principles +were excellent and of the true Cavalier sort, but who ruined himself +chiefly by drinking, dicing, and a dissolute life, and a little by +supporting the King. The castle stands in a fine chase, which was +prettily speckled over with deer; and I can't but own that my +pleasure was considerable at first, as I sat in the oak parlour of +summer evenings, with the windows open, the gold and silver plate +shining in a hundred dazzling colours on the side-boards, a dozen +jolly companions round the table, and could look out over the wide +green park and the waving woods, and see the sun setting on the +lake, and hear the deer calling to one another. + +The exterior was, when I first arrived, a quaint composition of all +sorts of architecture; of feudal towers, and gable-ends in Queen +Bess's style, and rough-patched walls built up to repair the ravages +of the Roundhead cannon: but I need not speak of this at large, +having had the place new-faced at a vast expense, under a +fashionable architect, and the facade laid out in the latest French- +Greek and most classical style. There had been moats, and +drawbridges, and outer walls; these I had shaved away into elegant +terraces, and handsomely laid out in parterres according to the +plans of Monsieur Cornichon, the great Parisian architect, who +visited England for the purpose. + +After ascending the outer steps, you entered an antique hall of vast +dimensions, wainscoted with black carved oak, and ornamented with +portraits of our ancestors: from the square beard of Brook Lyndon, +the great lawyer in Queen Bess's time, to the loose stomacher and +ringlets of Lady Saccharissa Lyndon, whom Vandyck painted when she +was a maid of honour to Queen Henrietta Maria, and down to Sir +Charles Lyndon, with his riband as a knight of the Bath; and my +Lady, painted by Hudson, in a white satin sack and the family +diamonds, as she was presented to the old King George II. These +diamonds were very fine: I first had them reset by Boehmer when we +appeared before their French Majesties at Versailles; and finally +raised L18,000 upon them, after that infernal run of ill luck at +'Goosetree's,' when Jemmy Twitcher (as we called my Lord Sandwich), +Carlisle, Charley Fox, and I played hombre for four-and-forty hours +SANS DESEMPARER. Bows and pikes, huge stag-heads and hunting +implements, and rusty old suits of armour, that may have been worn +in the days of Gog and Magog for what I know, formed the other old +ornaments of this huge apartment; and were ranged round a fireplace +where you might have turned a coach-and-six. This I kept pretty much +in its antique condition, but had the old armour eventually turned +out and consigned to the lumber-rooms upstairs; replacing it with +china monsters, gilded settees from France, and elegant marbles, of +which the broken noses and limbs, and ugliness, undeniably proved +their antiquity: and which an agent purchased for me at Rome. But +such was the taste of the times (and, perhaps, the rascality of my +agent), that thirty thousand pounds' worth of these gems of art only +went for three hundred guineas at a subsequent period, when I found +it necessary to raise money on my collections. + +From this main hall branched off on either side the long series of +state-rooms, poorly furnished with high-backed chairs and long queer +Venice glasses, when first I came to the property; but afterwards +rendered so splendid by me, with the gold damasks of Lyons and the +magnificent Gobelin tapestries I won from Richelieu at play. There +were thirty-six bedrooms DE MAITRE, of which I only kept three in +their antique condition,--the haunted room as it was called, where +the murder was done in James II.'s time, the bed where William slept +after landing at Torbay, and Queen Elizabeth's state-room. All the +rest were redecorated by Cornichon in the most elegant taste; not a +little to the scandal of some of the steady old country dowagers; +for I had pictures of Boucher and Vanloo to decorate the principal +apartments, in which the Cupids and Venuses were painted in a manner +so natural, that I recollect the old wizened Countess of Frumpington +pinning over the curtains of her bed, and sending her daughter, Lady +Blanche Whalebone, to sleep with her waiting-woman, rather than +allow her to lie in a chamber hung all over with looking-glasses, +after the exact fashion of the Queen's closet at Versailles. + +For many of these ornaments I was not so much answerable as +Cornichon, whom Lauraguais lent me, and who was the intendant of my +buildings during my absence abroad. I had given the man CARTE +BLANCHE, and when he fell down and broke his leg, as he was +decorating a theatre in the room which had been the old chapel of +the castle, the people of the country thought it was a judgment of +Heaven upon him. In his rage for improvement the fellow dared +anything. Without my orders he cut down an old rookery which was +sacred in the country, and had a prophecy regarding it, stating, +'When the rook-wood shall fall, down goes Hackton Hall.' The rooks +went over and colonised Tiptoff Woods, which lay near us (and be +hanged to them!), and Cornichon built a temple to Venus and two +lovely fountains on their site. Venuses and Cupids were the rascal's +adoration: he wanted to take down the Gothic screen and place Cupids +in our pew there; but old Doctor Huff the rector came out with a +large oak stick, and addressed the unlucky architect in Latin, of +which he did not comprehend a word, yet made him understand that he +would break his bones if he laid a single finger upon the sacred +edifice. Cornichon made complaints about the 'Abbe Huff,' as he +called him. ('Et quel abbe, grand Dieu!' added he, quite bewildered, +'un abbe avec douze enfans'); but I encouraged the Church in this +respect, and bade Cornichon exert his talents only in the castle. + +There was a magnificent collection of ancient plate, to which I +added much of the most splendid modern kind; a cellar which, however +well furnished, required continual replenishing, and a kitchen which +I reformed altogether. My friend, Jack Wilkes, sent me down a cook +from the Mansion House, for the English cookery,--the turtle and +venison department: I had a CHEF (who called out the Englishman, by +the way, and complained sadly of the GROS COCHON who wanted to meet +him with COUPS DE POING) and a couple of AIDES from Paris, and an +Italian confectioner, as my OFFICIERS DE BOUCHE. All which natural +appendages to a man of fashion, the odious, stingy old Tiptoff, my +kinsman and neighbour, affected to view with horror; and he spread +through the country a report that I had my victuals cooked by +Papists, lived upon frogs, and, he verily believed, fricasseed +little children. + +But the squires ate my dinners very readily for all that, and old +Doctor Huff himself was compelled to allow that my venison and +turtle were most orthodox. The former gentry I knew how to +conciliate, too, in other ways. There had been only a subscription +pack of fox-hounds in the county and a few beggarly couples of mangy +beagles, with which old Tiptoff pattered about his grounds; I built +a kennel and stables, which cost L30,000, and stocked them in a +manner which was worthy of my ancestors, the Irish kings. I had two +packs of hounds, and took the field in the season four times a week, +with three gentlemen in my hunt-uniform to follow me, and open house +at Hackton for all who belonged to the hunt. + +These changes and this train de vivre required, as may be supposed, +no small outlay; and I confess that I have little of that base +spirit of economy in my composition which some people practise and +admire. For instance, old Tiptoff was hoarding up his money to +repair his father's extravagance and disencumber his estates; a good +deal of the money with which he paid off his mortgages my agent +procured upon mine. And, besides, it must be remembered I had only a +life-interest upon the Lyndon property, was always of an easy temper +in dealing with the money-brokers, and had to pay heavily for +insuring her Ladyship's life. + +At the end of a year Lady Lyndon presented me with a son--Bryan +Lyndon I called him, in compliment to my royal ancestry: but what +more had I to leave him than a noble name? Was not the estate of his +mother entailed upon the odious little Turk, Lord Bullingdon? and +whom, by the way, I have not mentioned as yet, though he was living +at Hackton, consigned to a new governor. The insubordination of that +boy was dreadful. He used to quote passages of 'Hamlet' to his +mother, which made her very angry. Once when I took a horsewhip to +chastise him, he drew a knife, and would have stabbed me: and, +'faith, I recollected my own youth, which was pretty similar; and, +holding out my hand, burst out laughing, and proposed to him to be +friends. We were reconciled for that time, and the next, and the +next; but there was no love lost between us, and his hatred for me +seemed to grow as he grew, which was apace. + +I determined to endow my darling boy Bryan with a property, and to +this end cut down twelve thousand pounds' worth of timber on Lady +Lyndon's Yorkshire and Irish estates: at which proceeding +Bullingdon's guardian, Tiptoff, cried out, as usual, and swore I had +no right to touch a stick of the trees; but down they went; and I +commissioned my mother to repurchase the ancient lands of Ballybarry +and Barryogue, which had once formed part of the immense possessions +of my house. These she bought back with excellent prudence and +extreme joy; for her heart was gladdened at the idea that a son was +born to my name, and with the notion of my magnificent fortunes. + +To say truth, I was rather afraid, now that I lived in a very +different sphere from that in which she was accustomed to move, lest +she should come to pay me a visit, and astonish my English friends +by her bragging and her brogue, her rouge and her old hoops and +furbelows of the time of George II.: in which she had figured +advantageously in her youth, and which she still fondly thought to +be at the height of the fashion. So I wrote to her, putting off her +visit; begging her to visit us when the left wing of the castle was +finished, or the stables built, and so forth. There was no need of +such precaution. 'A hint's enough for me, Redmond,' the old lady +would reply. 'I am not coming to disturb you among your great +English friends with my old-fashioned Irish ways. It's a blessing to +me to think that my darling boy has attained the position which I +always knew was his due, and for which I pinched myself to educate +him. You must bring me the little Bryan, that his grandmother may +kiss him, one day. Present my respectful blessing to her Ladyship +his mamma. Tell her she has got a treasure in her husband, which she +couldn't have had had she taken a duke to marry her; and that the +Barrys and the Bradys, though without titles, have the best of blood +in their veins. I shall never rest until I see you Earl of +Ballybarry, and my grandson Lord Viscount Barryogue.' + +How singular it was that the very same ideas should be passing in my +mother's mind and my own! The very title she had pitched upon had +also been selected (naturally enough) by me; and I don't mind +confessing that I had filled a dozen sheets of paper with my +signature, under the names of Ballybarry and Barryogue, and had +determined with my usual impetuosity to carry my point. My mother +went and established herself at Ballybarry, living with the priest +there until a tenement could be erected, and dating from 'Ballybarry +Castle;' which, you may be sure, I gave out to be a place of no +small importance. I had a plan of the estate in my study, both at +Hackton and in Berkeley Square, and the plans of the elevation of +Ballybarry Castle, the ancestral residence of Barry Lyndon, Esq., +with the projected improvements, in which the castle was represented +as about the size of Windsor, with more ornaments to the +architecture; and eight hundred acres of bog falling in handy, I +purchased them at three pounds an acre, so that my estate upon the +map looked to be no insignificant one. [Footnote: On the strength of +this estate, and pledging his honour that it was not mortgaged, Mr. +Barry Lyndon borrowed L17,000 in the year 1786, from young Captain +Pigeon, the city merchant's son, who had just come in for his +property. At for the Polwellan estate and mines, 'the cause of +endless litigation,' it must be owned that our hero purchased them; +but he never paid more than the first L5000 of the purchase-money. +Hence the litigation of which he complains, and the famous Chancery +suit of 'Trecothick v. Lyndon,' in which Mr. John Scott greatly +distinguished himself.-ED.] + +I also in this year made arrangements for purchasing the Polwellan +estate and mines in Cornwall from Sir John Trecothick, for L70,000-- +an imprudent bargain, which was afterwards the cause to me of much +dispute and litigation. The troubles of property, the rascality of +agents, the quibbles of lawyers, are endless. Humble people envy us +great men, and fancy that our lives are all pleasure. Many a time in +the course of my prosperity I have sighed for the days of my meanest +fortune, and envied the boon companions at my table, with no clothes +to their backs but such as my credit supplied them, without a guinea +but what came from my pocket; but without one of the harassing cares +and responsibilities which are the dismal adjuncts of great rank and +property. + +I did little more than make my appearance, and assume the command of +my estates, in the kingdom of Ireland; rewarding generously those +persons who had been kind to me in my former adversities, and taking +my fitting place among the aristocracy of the land. But, in truth, I +had small inducements to remain in it after having tasted of the +genteeler and more complete pleasures of English and Continental +life; and we passed our summers at Buxton, Bath, and Harrogate, +while Hackton Castle was being beautified in the elegant manner +already described by me, and the season at our mansion in Berkeley +Square. + +It is wonderful how the possession of wealth brings out the virtues +of a man; or, at any rate, acts as a varnish or lustre to them, and +brings out their brilliancy and colour in a manner never known when +the individual stood in the cold grey atmosphere of poverty. I +assure you it was a very short time before I was a pretty fellow of +the first class; made no small sensation at the coffee-houses in +Pall Mall and afterwards at the most famous clubs. My style, +equipages, and elegant entertainments were in everybody's mouth, and +were described in all the morning prints. The needier part of Lady +Lyndon's relatives, and such as had been offended by the intolerable +pomposity of old Tiptoff, began to appear at our routs and +assemblies; and as for relations of my own, I found in London and +Ireland more than I had ever dreamed of, of cousins who claimed +affinity with me. There were, of course, natives of my own country +(of which I was not particularly proud), and I received visits from +three or four swaggering shabby Temple bucks, with tarnished lace +and Tipperary brogue, who were eating their way to the bar in +London; from several gambling adventurers at the watering-places, +whom I soon speedily let to know their place; and from others of +more reputable condition. Among them I may mention my cousin the +Lord Kilbarry, who, on the score of his relationship, borrowed +thirty pieces from me to pay his landlady in Swallow Street; and +whom, for my own reasons, I allowed to maintain and credit a +connection for which the Heralds' College gave no authority +whatsoever. Kilbarry had a cover at my table; punted at play, and +paid when he liked, which was seldom; had an intimacy with, and was +under considerable obligations to, my tailor; and always boasted of +his cousin the great Barry Lyndon of the West country. + +Her Ladyship and I lived, after a while, pretty separate when in +London. She preferred quiet: or to say the truth, I preferred it; +being a great friend to a modest tranquil behaviour in woman, and a +taste for the domestic pleasures. Hence I encouraged her to dine at +home with her ladies, her chaplain, and a few of her friends; +admitted three or four proper and discreet persons to accompany her +to her box at the opera or play on proper occasions; and indeed +declined for her the too frequent visits of her friends and family, +preferring to receive them only twice or thrice in a season on our +grand reception days. Besides, she was a mother, and had great +comfort in the dressing, educating, and dandling our little Bryan, +for whose sake it was fit that she should give up the pleasures and +frivolities of the world; so she left THAT part of the duty of every +family of distinction to be performed by me. To say the truth, Lady +Lyndon's figure and appearance were not at this time such as to make +for their owner any very brilliant appearance in the fashionable +world. She had grown very fat, was short-sighted, pale in +complexion, careless about her dress, dull in demeanour; her +conversations with me characterised by a stupid despair, or a silly +blundering attempt at forced cheerfulness still more disagreeable: +hence our intercourse was but trifling, and my temptations to carry +her into the world, or to remain in her society, of necessity +exceedingly small. She would try my temper at home, too, in a +thousand ways. When requested by me (often, I own, rather roughly) +to entertain the company with conversation, wit, and learning, of +which she was a mistress: or music, of which she was an accomplished +performer, she would as often as not begin to cry, and leave the +room. My company from this, of course, fancied I was a tyrant over +her; whereas I was only a severe and careful guardian over a silly, +bad-tempered, and weak-minded lady. + +She was luckily very fond of her youngest son, and through him I had +a wholesome and effectual hold of her; for if in any of her tantrums +or fits of haughtiness--(this woman was intolerably proud; and +repeatedly, at first, in our quarrels, dared to twit me with my own +original poverty and low birth),--if, I say, in our disputes she +pretended to have the upper hand, to assert her authority against +mine, to refuse to sign such papers as I might think necessary for +the distribution of our large and complicated property, I would have +Master Bryan carried off to Chiswick for a couple of days; and I +warrant me his lady-mother could hold out no longer, and would agree +to anything I chose to propose. The servants about her I took care +should be in my pay, not hers: especially the child's head nurse was +under MY orders, not those of my lady; and a very handsome, red- +cheeked, impudent jade she was; and a great fool she made me make of +myself. This woman was more mistress of the house than the poor- +spirited lady who owned it. She gave the law to the servants; and if +I showed any particular attention to any of the ladies who visited +us, the slut would not scruple to show her jealousy, and to find +means to send them packing. The fact is, a generous man is always +made a fool of by some woman or other, and this one had such an +influence over me that she could turn me round her finger. +[Footnote: From these curious confessions, it would appear that Mr. +Lyndon maltreated his lady in every possible way; that he denied her +society, bullied her into signing away her property, spent it in +gambling and taverns, was openly unfaithful to her; and, when she +complained, threatened to remove her children from her. Nor, indeed, +is he the only husband who has done the like, and has passed for +'nobody's enemy but his own:' a jovial good-natured fellow. The +world contains scores of such amiable people; and, indeed, it is +because justice has not been done them that we have edited this +autobiography. Had it been that of a mere hero of romance--one of +those heroic youths who figure in the novels of Scott and James-- +there would have been no call to introduce the reader to a personage +already so often and so charmingly depicted. Mr. Barry Lyndon is +not, we repeat, a hero of the common pattern; but let the reader +look round, and ask himself, Do not as many rogues succeed in life +as honest men? more fools than men of talent? And is it not just +that the lives of this class should be described by the student of +human nature as well as the actions of those fairy-tale princes, +those perfect impossible heroes, whom our writers love to describe? +There is something naive and simple in that time-honoured style of +novel-writing by which Prince Prettyman, at the end of his +adventures, is put in possession of every worldly prosperity, as he +has been endowed with every mental and bodily excellence previously. +The novelist thinks that he can do no more for his darling hero than +make him a lord. Is it not a poor standard that, of the summum +bonum? The greatest good in life is not to be a lord; perhaps not +even to be happy. Poverty, illness, a humpback, may be rewards and +conditions of good, as well as that bodily prosperity which all of +us unconsciously set up for worship. But this is a subject for an +essay, not a note; and it is best to allow Mr. Lyndon to resume the +candid and ingenious narrative of his virtues and defects.] + +Her infernal temper (Mrs. Stammer was the jade's name) and my wife's +moody despondency, made my house and home not over-pleasant: hence I +was driven a good deal abroad, where, as play was the fashion at +every club, tavern, and assembly, I, of course, was obliged to +resume my old habit, and to commence as an amateur those games at +which I was once unrivalled in Europe. But whether a man's temper +changes with prosperity, or his skill leaves him when, deprived of a +confederate, and pursuing the game no longer professionally, he +joins in it, like the rest of the world, for pastime, I know not; +but certain it is, that in the seasons of 1774-75 I lost much money +at 'White's' and the 'Cocoa-Tree,' and was compelled to meet my +losses by borrowing largely upon my wife's annuities, insuring her +Ladyship's life, and so forth. The terms at which I raised these +necessary sums and the outlays requisite for my improvements were, +of course, very onerous, and clipped the property considerably; and +it was some of these papers which my Lady Lyndon (who was of a +narrow, timid, and stingy turn) occasionally refused to sign: until +I PERSUADED her, as I have before shown. + +My dealings on the turf ought to be mentioned, as forming part of my +history at this time; but, in truth, I have no particular pleasure +in recalling my Newmarket doings. I was infernally bit and bubbled +in almost every one of my transactions there; and though I could +ride a horse as well as any man in England, was no match with the +English noblemen at backing him. Fifteen years after my horse, Bay +Bulow, by Sophy Hardcastle, out of Eclipse, lost the Newmarket +stakes, for which he was the first favourite, I found that a noble +earl, who shall be nameless, had got into his stable the morning +before he ran; and the consequence was that an outside horse won, +and your humble servant was out to the amount of fifteen thousand +pounds. Strangers had no chance in those days on the heath: and, +though dazzled by the splendour and fashion assembled there, and +surrounded by the greatest persons of the land,--the royal dukes, +with their wives and splendid equipages; old Grafton, with his queer +bevy of company, and such men as Ancaster, Sandwich, Lorn,--a man +might have considered himself certain of fair play and have been not +a little proud of the society he kept; yet, I promise you, that, +exalted as it was, there was no set of men in Europe who knew how to +rob more genteelly, to bubble a stranger, to bribe a jockey, to +doctor a horse, or to arrange a betting-book. Even _I_ couldn't +stand against these accomplished gamesters of the highest families +in Europe. Was it my own want of style, or my want of fortune? I +know not. But now I was arrived at the height of my ambition, both +my skill and my luck seemed to be deserting me. Everything I touched +crumbled in my hand; every speculation I had failed, every agent I +trusted deceived me. I am, indeed, one of those born to make, and +not to keep fortunes; for the qualities and energy which lead a man +to effect the first are often the very causes of his ruin in the +latter case: indeed, I know of no other reason for the misfortunes +which finally befell me. [Footnote: The Memoirs seem to have been +written about the year 1814, in that calm retreat which Fortune had +selected for the author at the close of his life.] + +I had always a taste for men of letters, and perhaps, if the truth +must be told, have no objection to playing the fine gentleman and +patron among the wits. Such people are usually needy, and of low +birth, and have an instinctive awe and love of a gentleman and a +laced coat; as all must have remarked who have frequented their +society. Mr. Reynolds, who was afterwards knighted, and certainly +the most elegant painter of his day, was a pretty dexterous courtier +of the wit tribe; and it was through this gentleman, who painted a +piece of me, Lady Lyndon, and our little Bryan, which was greatly +admired at the Exhibition (I was represented as quitting my wife, in +the costume of the Tippleton Yeomanry, of which I was major; the +child starting back from my helmet like what-d'ye-call'im--Hector's +son, as described by Mr. Pope in his 'Iliad'); it was through Mr. +Reynolds that I was introduced to a score of these gentlemen, and +their great chief, Mr. Johnson. I always thought their great chief a +great bear. He drank tea twice or thrice at my house, misbehaving +himself most grossly; treating my opinions with no more respect than +those of a schoolboy, and telling me to mind my horses and tailors, +and not trouble myself about letters. His Scotch bear-leader, Mr. +Boswell, was a butt of the first quality. I never saw such a figure +as the fellow cut in what he called a Corsican habit, at one of Mrs. +Cornely's balls, at Carlisle House, Soho. But that the stories +connected with that same establishment are not the most profitable +tales in the world, I could tell tales of scores of queer doings +there. All the high and low demireps of the town gathered there, +from his Grace of Ancaster down to my countryman, poor Mr. Oliver +Goldsmith the poet, and from the Duchess of Kingston down to the +Bird of Paradise, or Kitty Fisher. Here I have met very queer +characters, who came to queer ends too: poor Hackman, that +afterwards was hanged for killing Miss Reay, and (on the sly) his +Reverence Doctor Simony, whom my friend Sam Foote, of the 'Little +Theatre,' bade to live even after forgery and the rope cut short the +unlucky parson's career. + +It was a merry place, London, in those days, and that's the truth. +I'm writing now in my gouty old age, and people have grown vastly +more moral and matter-of-fact than they were at the close of the +last century, when the world was young with me. There was a +difference between a gentleman and a common fellow in those times. +We wore silk and embroidery then. Now every man has the same +coachmanlike look in his belcher and caped coat, and there is no +outward difference between my Lord and his groom. Then it took a man +of fashion a couple of hours to make his toilette, and he could show +some taste and genius in the selecting it. What a blaze of splendour +was a drawing-room, or an opera, of a gala night! What sums of money +were lost and won at the delicious faro-table! My gilt curricle and +out-riders, blazing in green and gold, were very different objects +from the equipages you see nowadays in the ring, with the stunted +grooms behind them. A man could drink four times as much as the +milksops nowadays can swallow; but 'tis useless expatiating on this +theme. Gentlemen are dead and gone. The fashion has now turned upon +your soldiers and sailors, and I grow quite moody and sad when I +think of thirty years ago. + +This is a chapter devoted to reminiscences of what was a very happy +and splendid time with me, but presenting little of mark in the way +of adventure; as is generally the case when times are happy and +easy. It would seem idle to fill pages with accounts of the every- +day occupations of a man of fashion,--the fair ladies who smiled +upon him, the dresses he wore, the matches he played, and won or +lost. At this period of time, when youngsters are employed cutting +the Frenchmen's throats in Spain and France, lying out in bivouacs, +and feeding off commissariat beef and biscuit, they would not +understand what a life their ancestors led; and so I shall leave +further discourse upon the pleasures of the times when even the +Prince was a lad in leading-strings, when Charles Fox had not +subsided into a mere statesman, and Buonaparte was a beggarly brat +in his native island. + +Whilst these improvements were going on in my estates,--my house, +from an antique Norman castle, being changed to an elegant Greek +temple, or palace--my gardens and woods losing their rustic +appearance to be adapted to the most genteel French style--my child +growing up at his mother's knees, and my influence in the country +increasing,--it must not be imagined that I stayed in Devonshire all +this while, and that I neglected to make visits to London, and my +various estates in England and Ireland. + +I went to reside at the Trecothick estate and the Polwellan Wheal, +where I found, instead of profit, every kind of pettifogging +chicanery; I passed over in state to our territories in Ireland, +where I entertained the gentry in a style the Lord Lieutenant +himself could not equal; gave the fashion to Dublin (to be sure it +was a beggarly savage city in those days; and, since the time there +has been a pother about the Union, and the misfortunes attending it, +I have been at a loss to account for the mad praises of the old +order of things, which the fond Irish patriots have invented); I say +I set the fashion to Dublin; and small praise to me, for a poor +place it was in those times, whatever the Irish party may say. + +In a former chapter I have given you a description of it. It was the +Warsaw of our part of the world: there was a splendid, ruined, half- +civilised nobility, ruling over a half-savage population. I say +half-savage advisedly. The commonalty in the streets were wild, +unshorn, and in rags. The most public places were not safe after +nightfall. The College, the public buildings, and the great gentry's +houses were splendid (the latter unfinished for the most part); but +the people were in a state more wretched than any vulgar I have ever +known: the exercise of their religion was only half allowed to them; +their clergy were forced to be educated out of the country; their +aristocracy was quite distinct from them; there was a Protestant +nobility, and in the towns, poor insolent Protestant corporations, +with a bankrupt retinue of mayors, aldermen, and municipal officers +--all of whom figured in addresses and had the public voice in the +country; but there was no sympathy and connection between the upper +and the lower people of the Irish. To one who had been bred so much +abroad as myself, this difference between Catholic and Protestant +was doubly striking; and though as firm as a rock in my own faith, +yet I could not help remembering my grandfather held a different +one, and wondering that there should be such a political difference +between the two. I passed among my neighbours for a dangerous +leveller, for entertaining and expressing such opinions, and +especially for asking the priest of the parish to my table at Castle +Lyndon. He was a gentleman, educated at Salamanca, and, to my mind, +a far better bred and more agreeable companion than his comrade the +rector, who had but a dozen Protestants for his congregation; who +was a lord's son, to be sure, but he could hardly spell, and the +great field of his labours was in the kennel and cockpit. + +I did not extend and beautify the house of Castle Lyndon as I had +done our other estates, but contented myself with paying an +occasional visit there; exercising an almost royal hospitality, and +keeping open house during my stay. When absent, I gave to my aunt, +the widow Brady, and her six unmarried daughters (although they +always detested me), permission to inhabit the place; my mother +preferring my new mansion of Barryogue. + +And as my Lord Bullingdon was by this time grown excessively tall +and troublesome, I determined to leave him under the care of a +proper governor in Ireland, with Mrs. Brady and her six daughters to +take care of him; and he was welcome to fall in love with all the +old ladies if he were so minded, and thereby imitate his +stepfather's example. When tired of Castle Lyndon, his Lordship was +at liberty to go and reside at my house with my mamma; but there was +no love lost between him and her, and, on account of my son Bryan, I +think she hated him as cordially as ever I myself could possibly do. + +The county of Devon is not so lucky as the neighbouring county of +Cornwall, and has not the share of representatives which the latter +possesses; where I have known a moderate country gentleman, with a +few score of hundreds per annum from his estate, treble his income +by returning three or four Members to Parliament, and by the +influence with Ministers which these seats gave him. The +parliamentary interest of the house of Lyndon had been grossly +neglected during my wife's minority, and the incapacity of the Earl +her father; or, to speak more correctly, it had been smuggled away +from the Lyndon family altogether by the adroit old hypocrite of +Tiptoff Castle, who acted as most kinsmen and guardians do by their +wards and relatives, and robbed them. The Marquess of Tiptoff +returned four Members to Parliament: two for the borough of +Tippleton, which, as all the world knows, lies at the foot of our +estate of Hackton, bounded on the other side by Tiptoff Park. For +time out of mind we had sent Members for that borough, until +Tiptoff, taking advantage of the late lord's imbecility, put in his +own nominees. When his eldest son became of age, of course my Lord +was to take his seat for Tippleton; when Rigby (Nabob Rigby, who +made his fortune under Clive in India) died, the Marquess thought +fit to bring down his second son, my Lord George Poynings, to whom I +have introduced the reader in a former chapter, and determined, in +his high mightiness, that he too should go in and swell the ranks of +the Opposition--the big old Whigs, with whom the Marquess acted. + +Rigby had been for some time in an ailing condition previous to his +demise, and you may be sure that the circumstance of his failing +health had not been passed over by the gentry of the county, who +were staunch Government men for the most part, and hated my Lord +Tiptoff's principles as dangerous and ruinous, 'We have been looking +out for a man to fight against him,' said the squires to me; 'we can +only match Tiptoff out of Hackton Castle. You, Mr. Lyndon, are our +man, and at the next county election we will swear to bring you in.' + +I hated the Tiptoffs so, that I would have fought them at any +election. They not only would not visit at Hackton, but declined to +receive those who visited us; they kept the women of the county from +receiving my wife: they invented half the wild stories of my +profligacy and extravagance with which the neighbourhood was +entertained; they said I had frightened my wife into marriage, and +that she was a lost woman; they hinted that Bullingdon's life was +not secure under my roof, that his treatment was odious, and that I +wanted to put him out of the way to make place for Bryan my son. I +could scarce have a friend to Hackton, but they counted the bottles +drunk at my table. They ferreted out my dealings with my lawyers and +agents. If a creditor was unpaid, every item of his bill was known +at Tiptoff Hall; if I looked at a farmer's daughter, it was said I +had ruined her. My faults are many, I confess, and as a domestic +character, I can't boast of any particular regularity or temper; but +Lady Lyndon and I did not quarrel more than fashionable people do, +and, at first, we always used to make it up pretty well. I am a man +full of errors, certainly, but not the devil that these odious +backbiters at Tiptoff represented me to be. For the first three +years I never struck my wife but when I was in liquor. When I flung +the carving-knife at Bullingdon I was drunk, as everybody present +can testify; but as for having any systematic scheme against the +poor lad, I can declare solemnly that, beyond merely hating him (and +one's inclinations are not in one's power), I am guilty of no evil +towards him. + +I had sufficient motives, then, for enmity against the Tiptoffs, and +am not a man to let a feeling of that kind lie inactive. Though a +Whig, or, perhaps, because a Whig, the Marquess was one of the +haughtiest men breathing, and treated commoners as his idol the +great Earl used to treat them--after he came to a coronet himself-- +as so many low vassals, who might be proud to lick his shoe-buckle. +When the Tippleton mayor and corporation waited upon him, he +received them covered, never offered Mr. Mayor a chair, but retired +when the refreshments were brought, or had them served to the +worshipful aldermen in the steward's room. These honest Britons +never rebelled against such treatment, until instructed to do so by +my patriotism. No, the dogs liked to be bullied; and, in the course +of a long experience, I have met with but very few Englishmen who +are not of their way of thinking. + +It was not until I opened their eyes that they knew their +degradation. I invited the Mayor to Hackton, and Mrs. Mayoress (a +very buxom pretty groceress she was, by the way) I made sit by my +wife, and drove them both out to the races in my curricle. Lady +Lyndon fought very hard against this condescension; but I had a way +with her, as the saying is, and though she had a temper, yet I had a +better one. A temper, psha! A wild-cat has a temper, but a keeper +can get the better of it; and I know very few women in the world +whom I could not master. + +Well, I made much of the mayor and corporation; sent them bucks for +their dinners, or asked them to mine; made a point of attending +their assemblies, dancing with their wives and daughters, going +through, in short, all the acts of politeness which are necessary on +such occasions: and though old Tiptoff must have seen my goings on, +yet his head was so much in the clouds, that he never once +condescended to imagine his dynasty could be overthrown in his own +town of Tippleton, and issued his mandates as securely as if he had +been the Grand Turk, and the Tippletonians no better than so many +slaves of his will. + +Every post which brought us any account of Rigby's increasing +illness, was the sure occasion of a dinner from me; so much so, that +my friends of the hunt used to laugh and say, 'Rigby's worse; +there's a corporation dinner at Hackton.' + +It was in 1776, when the American war broke out, that I came into +Parliament. My Lord Chatham, whose wisdom his party in those days +used to call superhuman, raised his oracular voice in the House of +Peers against the American contest; and my countryman, Mr. Burke--a +great philosopher, but a plaguy long-winded orator--was the champion +of the rebels in the Commons--where, however, thanks to British +patriotism, he could get very few to back him. Old Tiptoff would +have sworn black was white if the great Earl had bidden him; and he +made his son give up his commission in the Guards, in imitation of +my Lord Pitt, who resigned his ensigncy rather than fight against +what he called his American brethren. + +But this was a height of patriotism extremely little relished in +England, where, ever since the breaking out of hostilities, our +people hated the Americans heartily; and where, when we heard of the +fight of Lexington, and the glorious victory of Bunker's Hill (as we +used to call it in those days), the nation flushed out in its usual +hot-headed anger. The talk was all against the philosophers after +that, and the people were most indomitably loyal. It was not until +the land-tax was increased, that the gentry began to grumble a +little; but still my party in the West was very strong against the +Tiptoffs, and I determined to take the field and win as usual. + +The old Marquess neglected every one of the decent precautions which +are requisite in a parliamentary campaign. He signified to the +corporation and freeholders his intention of presenting his son, +Lord George, and his desire that the latter should be elected their +burgess; but he scarcely gave so much as a glass of beer to whet the +devotedness of his adherents: and I, as I need not say, engaged +every tavern in Tippleton in my behalf. + +There is no need to go over the twenty-times-told tale of an +election. I rescued the borough of Tippleton from the hands of Lord +Tiptoff and his son, Lord George. I had a savage sort of +satisfaction, too, in forcing my wife (who had been at one time +exceedingly smitten by her kinsman, as I have already related) to +take part against him, and to wear and distribute my colours when +the day of election came. And when we spoke at one another, I told +the crowd that I had beaten Lord George in love, that I had beaten +him in war, and that I would now beat him in Parliament; and so I +did, as the event proved: for, to the inexpressible anger of the old +Marquess, Barry Lyndon, Esquire, was returned member of Parliament +for Tippleton, in place of John Rigby, Esquire, deceased; and I +threatened him at the next election to turn him out of BOTH his +seats, and went to attend my duties in Parliament. + +It was then I seriously determined on achieving for myself the Irish +peerage, to be enjoyed after me by my beloved son and heir. + +CHAPTER XVIII + +MY GOOD FORTUNE BEGINS TO WAVER + +And now, if any people should be disposed to think my history +immoral (for I have heard some assert that I was a man who never +deserved that so much prosperity should fall to my share), I will +beg those cavillers to do me the favour to read the conclusion of my +adventures; when they will see it was no such great prize that I had +won, and that wealth, splendour, thirty thousand per annum, and a +seat in Parliament, are often purchased at too dear a rate, when one +has to buy those enjoyments at the price of personal liberty, and +saddled with the charge of a troublesome wife. + +They are the deuce, these troublesome wives, and that is the truth. +No man knows until he tries how wearisome and disheartening the +burthen of one of them is, and how the annoyance grows and +strengthens from year to year, and the courage becomes weaker to +bear it; so that that trouble which seemed light and trivial the +first year, becomes intolerable ten years after. I have heard of one +of the classical fellows in the dictionary who began by carrying a +calf up a hill every day, and so continued until the animal grew to +be a bull, which he still easily accommodated upon his shoulders; +but take my word for it, young unmarried gentlemen, a wife is a very +much harder pack to the back than the biggest heifer in Smithfield +and, if I can prevent one of you from marrying, the 'Memoirs of +Barry Lyndon, Esq.' will not be written in vain. Not that my Lady +was a scold or a shrew, as some wives are; I could have managed to +have cured her of that; but she was of a cowardly, crying, +melancholy, maudlin temper, which is to me still more odious: do +what one would to please her, she would never be happy or in good- +humour. I left her alone after a while; and because, as was natural +in my case, where a disagreeable home obliged me to seek amusement +and companions abroad, she added a mean detestable jealousy to all +her other faults: I could not for some time pay the commonest +attention to any other woman, but my Lady Lyndon must weep, and +wring her hands, and threaten to commit suicide, and I know not +what. + +Her death would have been no comfort to me, as I leave any person of +common prudence to imagine; for that scoundrel of a young Bullingdon +(who was now growing up a tall, gawky, swarthy lad, and about to +become my greatest plague and annoyance) would have inherited every +penny of the property, and I should have been left considerably +poorer even than when I married the widow: for I spent my personal +fortune as well as the lady's income in the keeping up of our rank, +and was always too much a man of honour and spirit to save a penny +of Lady Lyndon's income. Let this be flung in the teeth of my +detractors, who say I never could have so injured the Lyndon +property had I not been making a private purse for myself; and who +believe that, even in my present painful situation, I have hoards of +gold laid by somewhere, and could come out as a Croesus when I +choose. I never raised a shilling upon Lady Lyndon's property but I +spent it like a man of honour; besides incurring numberless personal +obligations for money, which all went to the common stock. +Independent of the Lyndon mortgages and incumbrances, I owe myself +at least one hundred and twenty thousand pounds, which I spent while +in occupancy of my wife's estate; so that I may justly say that +property is indebted to me in the above-mentioned sum. + +Although I have described the utter disgust and distaste which +speedily took possession of my breast as regarded Lady Lyndon; and +although I took no particular pains (for I am all frankness and +above-board) to disguise my feelings in general, yet she was of such +a mean spirit, that she pursued me with her regard in spite of my +indifference to her, and would kindle up at the smallest kind word I +spoke to her. The fact is, between my respected reader and myself, +that I was one of the handsomest and most dashing young men of +England in those days, and my wife was violently in love with me; +and though I say it who shouldn't, as the phrase goes, my wife was +not the only woman of rank in London who had a favourable opinion of +the humble Irish adventurer. What a riddle these women are, I have +often thought! I have seen the most elegant creatures at St. James's +grow wild for love of the coarsest and most vulgar of men; the +cleverest women passionately admire the most illiterate of our sex, +and so on. There is no end to the contrariety in the foolish +creatures; and though I don't mean to hint that _I_ am vulgar or +illiterate, as the persons mentioned above (I would cut the throat +of any man who dared to whisper a word against my birth or my +breeding), yet I have shown that Lady Lyndon had plenty of reason to +dislike me if she chose: but, like the rest of her silly sex, she +was governed by infatuation, not reason; and, up to the very last +day of our being together, would be reconciled to me, and fondle me, +if I addressed her a single kind word. + +'Ah,' she would say, in these moments of tenderness--'Ah, REDMOND, +if you would always be so!' And in these fits of love she was the +most easy creature in the world to be persuaded, and would have +signed away her whole property, had it been possible. And, I must +confess, it was with very little attention on my part that I could +bring her into good-humour. To walk with her on the Mall, or at +Ranelagh, to attend her to church at St. James's, to purchase any +little present or trinket for her, was enough to coax her. Such is +female inconsistency! The next day she would be calling me 'Mr. +Barry' probably, and be bemoaning her miserable fate that she ever +should have been united to such a monster. So it was she was pleased +to call one of the most brilliant men in His Majesty's three +kingdoms: and I warrant me OTHER ladies had a much more flattering +opinion of me. + +Then she would threaten to leave me; but I had a hold of her in the +person of her son, of whom she was passionately fond: I don't know +why, for she had always neglected Bullingdon her older son, and +never bestowed a thought upon his health, his welfare, or his +education. + +It was our young boy, then, who formed the great bond of union +between me and her Ladyship; and there was no plan of ambition I +could propose in which she would not join for the poor lad's behoof, +and no expense she would not eagerly incur, if it might by any means +be shown to tend to his advancement. I can tell you, bribes were +administered, and in high places too,--so near the royal person of +His Majesty, that you would be astonished were I to mention what +great personages condescended to receive our loans. I got from the +English and Irish heralds a description and detailed pedigree of the +Barony of Barryogue, and claimed respectfully to be reinstated in my +ancestral titles, and also to be rewarded with the Viscounty of +Ballybarry. 'This head would become a coronet,' my Lady would +sometimes say, in her fond moments, smoothing down my hair; and, +indeed, there is many a puny whipster in their Lordships' house who +has neither my presence nor my courage, my pedigree, nor any of my +merits. + +The striving after this peerage I considered to have been one of the +most unlucky of all my unlucky dealings at this period. I made +unheard-of sacrifices to bring it about. I lavished money here and +diamonds there. I bought lands at ten times their value; purchased +pictures and articles of vertu at ruinous prices. I gave repeated +entertainments to those friends to my claims who, being about the +Royal person, were likely to advance it. I lost many a bet to the +Royal Dukes His Majesty's brothers; but let these matters be +forgotten, and, because of my private injuries, let me not be +deficient in loyalty to my Sovereign. + +The only person in this transaction whom I shall mention openly, is +that old scamp and swindler, Gustavus Adolphus, thirteenth Earl of +Crabs. This nobleman was one of the gentlemen of His Majesty's +closet, and one with whom the revered monarch was on terms of +considerable intimacy. A close regard had sprung up between them in +the old King's time; when His Royal Highness, playing at battledore +and shuttlecock with the young lord on the landing-place of the +great staircase at Kew, in some moment of irritation the Prince of +Wales kicked the young Earl downstairs, who, falling, broke his leg. +The Prince's hearty repentance for his violence caused him to ally +himself closely with the person whom he had injured; and when His +Majesty came to the throne there was no man, it is said, of whom the +Earl of Bute was so jealous as of my Lord Crabs. The latter was poor +and extravagant, and Bute got him out of the way, by sending him on +the Russian and other embassies; but on this favourite's dismissal, +Crabs sped back from the Continent, and was appointed almost +immediately to a place about His Majesty's person. + +It was with this disreputable nobleman that I contracted an unluckly +intimacy; when, fresh and unsuspecting, I first established myself +in town, after my marriage with Lady Lyndon: and, as Crabs was +really one of the most entertaining fellows in the world, I took a +sincere pleasure in his company; besides the interesting desire I +had in cultivating the society of a man who was so near the person +of the highest personage in the realm. + +To hear the fellow, you would fancy that there was scarce any +appointment made in which he had not a share. He told me, for +instance, of Charles Fox being turned out of his place a day before +poor Charley himself was aware of the fact. He told me when the +Howes were coming back from America, and who was to succeed to the +command there. Not to multiply instances, it was upon this person +that I fixed my chief reliance for the advancement of my claim to +the Barony of Barryogue and the Viscounty which I proposed to get. + +One of the main causes of expense which this ambition of mine +entailed upon me was the fitting out and arming a company of +infantry from the Castle Lyndon and Hackton estates in Ireland, +which I offered to my gracious Sovereign for the campaign against +the American rebels. These troops, superbly equipped and clothed, +were embarked at Portsmouth in the year 1778; and the patriotism of +the gentleman who had raised them was so acceptable at Court, that, +on being presented by my Lord North, His Majesty condescended to +notice me particularly, and said, 'That's right, Mr. Lyndon, raise +another company; and go with them, too!' But this was by no means, +as the reader may suppose, to my notions. A man with thirty thousand +pounds per annum is a fool to risk his life like a common beggar: +and on this account I have always admired the conduct of my friend +Jack Bolter, who had been a most active and resolute cornet of +horse, and, as such, engaged in every scrape and skirmish which +could fall to his lot; but just before the battle of Minden he +received news that his uncle, the great army contractor, was dead, +and had left him five thousand per annum. Jack that instant applied +for leave; and, as it was refused him on the eve of a general +action, my gentleman took it, and never fired a pistol again: except +against an officer who questioned his courage, and whom he winged in +such a cool and determined manner, as showed all the world that it +was from prudence and a desire of enjoying his money, not from +cowardice, that he quitted the profession of arms. + +When this Hackton company was raised, my stepson, who was now +sixteen years of age, was most eager to be allowed to join it, and I +would have gladly consented to have been rid of the young man; but +his guardian, Lord Tiptoff, who thwarted me in everything, refused +his permission, and the lad's military inclinations were balked. If +he could have gone on the expedition, and a rebel rifle had put an +end to him, I believe, to tell the truth, I should not have been +grieved over-much; and I should have had the pleasure of seeing my +other son the heir to the estate which his father had won with so +much pains. + +The education of this young nobleman had been, I confess, some of +the loosest; and perhaps the truth is, I DID neglect the brat. He +was of so wild, savage, and insubordinate a nature, that I never had +the least regard for him; and before me and his mother, at least, +was so moody and dull, that I thought instruction thrown away upon +him, and left him for the most part to shift for himself. For two +whole years he remained in Ireland away from us; and when in +England, we kept him mainly at Hackton, never caring to have the +uncouth ungainly lad in the genteel company in the capital in which +we naturally mingled. My own poor boy, on the contrary, was the most +polite and engaging child ever seen: it was a pleasure to treat him +with kindness and distinction; and before he was five years old, the +little fellow was the pink of fashion, beauty, and good breeding. + +In fact he could not have been otherwise, with the care both his +parents bestowed upon him, and the attentions that were lavished +upon him in every way. When he was four years old, I quarrelled with +the English nurse who had attended upon him, and about whom my wife +had been so jealous, and procured for him a French gouvernante, who +had lived with families of the first quality in Paris; and who, of +course, must set my Lady Lyndon jealous too. Under the care of this +young woman my little rogue learned to chatter French most +charmingly. It would have done your heart good to hear the dear +rascal swear Mort de ma vie! and to see him stamp his little foot, +and send the manants and canaille of the domestics to the trente +mille diables. He was precocious in all things: at a very early age +he would mimic everybody; at five, he would sit at table, and drink +his glass of champagne with the best of us; and his nurse would +teach him little French catches, and the last Parisian songs of Vade +and Collard,--pretty songs they were too; and would make such of his +hearers as understood French burst with laughing, and, I promise +you, scandalise some of the old dowagers who were admitted into the +society of his mamma: not that there were many of them; for I did +not encourage the visits of what you call respectable people to Lady +Lyndon. They are sad spoilers of sport,--tale-bearers, envious +narrow-minded people; making mischief between man and wife. Whenever +any of these grave personages in hoops and high heels used to make +their appearance at Hackton, or in Berkeley Square, it was my chief +pleasure to frighten them off; and I would make my little Bryan +dance, sing, and play the diable a quatre, and aid him myself, so as +to scare the old frumps. + +I never shall forget the solemn remonstrances of our old square-toes +of a rector at Hackton, who made one or two vain attempts to teach +little Bryan Latin, and with whose innumerable children I sometimes +allowed the boy to associate. They learned some of Bryan's French +songs from him, which their mother, a poor soul who understood +pickles and custards much better than French, used fondly to +encourage them in singing; but which their father one day hearing, +he sent Miss Sarah to her bedroom and bread and water for a week, +and solemnly horsed Master Jacob in the presence of all his brothers +and sisters, and of Bryan, to whom he hoped that flogging would act +as a warning. But my little rogue kicked and plunged at the old +parson's shins until he was obliged to get his sexton to hold him +down, and swore, corbleu, morbleu, ventrebleu, that his young friend +Jacob should not be maltreated. After this scene, his reverence +forbade Bryan the rectory-house; on which I swore that his eldest +son, who was bringing up for the ministry, should never have the +succession of the living of Hackton, which I had thoughts of +bestowing on him; and his father said, with a canting hypocritical +air, which I hate, that Heaven's will must be done; that he would +not have his children disobedient or corrupted for the sake of a +bishopric, and wrote me a pompous and solemn letter, charged with +Latin quotations, taking farewell of me and my house. 'I do so with +regret,' added the old gentleman, 'for I have received so many +kindnesses from the Hackton family that it goes to my heart to be +disunited from them. My poor, I fear, may suffer in consequence of +my separation from you, and my being hence-forward unable to bring +to your notice instances of distress and affliction; which, when +they were known to you, I will do you the justice to say, your +generosity was always prompt to relieve.' + +There may have been some truth in this, for the old gentleman was +perpetually pestering me with petitions, and I know for a certainty, +from his own charities, was often without a shilling in his pocket; +but I suspect the good dinners at Hackton had a considerable share +in causing his regrets at the dissolution of our intimacy: and I +know that his wife was quite sorry to forego the acquaintance of +Bryan's gouvernante, Mademoiselle Louison, who had all the newest +French fashions at her fingers' ends, and who never went to the +rectory but you would see the girls of the family turn out in new +sacks or mantles the Sunday after. + +I used to punish the old rebel by snoring very loud in my pew on +Sundays during sermon-time; and I got a governor presently for +Bryan, and a chaplain of my own, when he became of age sufficient to +be separated from the women's society and guardianship. His English +nurse I married to my head gardener, with a handsome portion; his +French gouvernante I bestowed upon my faithful German Fritz, not +forgetting the dowry in the latter instance; and they set up a +French dining-house in Soho, and I believe at the time I write they +are richer in the world's goods than their generous and free-handed +master. + +For Bryan I now got a young gentleman from Oxford, the Rev. Edmund +Lavender, who was commissioned to teach him Latin, when the boy was +in the humour, and to ground him in history, grammar, and the other +qualifications of a gentleman. Lavender was a precious addition to +our society at Hackton. He was the means of making a deal of fun +there. He was the butt of all our jokes, and bore them with the most +admirable and martyrlike patience. He was one of that sort of men +who would rather be kicked by a great man than not be noticed by +him; and I have often put his wig into the fire in the face of the +company, when he would laugh at the joke as well as any man there. +It was a delight to put him on a high-mettled horse, and send him +after the hounds,--pale, sweating, calling on us, for Heaven's sake, +to stop, and holding on for dear life by the mane and the crupper. +How it happened that the fellow was never killed I know not; but I +suppose hanging is the way in which HIS neck will be broke. He never +met with any accident, to speak of, in our hunting-matches: but you +were pretty sure to find him at dinner in his place at the bottom of +the table making the punch, whence he would be carried off fuddled +to bed before the night was over. Many a time have Bryan and I +painted his face black on those occasions. We put him into a haunted +room, and frightened his soul out of his body with ghosts; we let +loose cargoes of rats upon his bed; we cried fire, and filled his +boots with water; we cut the legs of his preaching-chair, and filled +his sermon-book with snuff. Poor Lavender bore it all with patience; +and at our parties, or when we came to London, was amply repaid by +being allowed to sit with the gentlefolks, and to fancy himself in +the society of men of fashion. It was good to hear the contempt with +which he talked about our rector. 'He has a son, sir, who is a +servitor: and a servitor at a small college,' he would say. 'How +COULD you, my dear sir, think of giving the reversion of Hackton to +such a low-bred creature?' + +I should now speak of my other son, at least my Lady Lyndon's: I +mean the Viscount Bullingdon. I kept him in Ireland for some years, +under the guardianship of my mother, whom I had installed at Castle +Lyndon; and great, I promise you, was her state in that occupation, +and prodigious the good soul's splendour and haughty bearing. With +all her oddities, the Castle Lyndon estate was the best managed of +all our possessions; the rents were excellently paid, the charges of +getting them in smaller than they would have been under the +management of any steward. It was astonishing what small expenses +the good widow incurred; although she kept up the dignity of the TWO +families, as she would say. She had a set of domestics to attend +upon the young lord; she never went out herself but in an old gilt +coach and six; the house was kept clean and tight; the furniture and +gardens in the best repair; and, in our occasional visits to +Ireland, we never found any house we visited in such good condition +as our own. There were a score of ready serving-lasses, and half as +many trim men about the castle; and everything in as fine condition +as the best housekeeper could make it. All this she did with +scarcely any charges to us: for she fed sheep and cattle in the +parks, and made a handsome profit of them at Ballinasloe; she +supplied I don't know how many towns with butter and bacon; and the +fruit and vegetables from the gardens of Castle Lyndon got the +highest prices in Dublin market. She had no waste in the kitchen, as +there used to be in most of our Irish houses; and there was no +consumption of liquor in the cellars, for the old lady drank water, +and saw little or no company. All her society was a couple of the +girls of my ancient flame Nora Brady, now Mrs. Quin; who with her +husband had spent almost all their property, and who came to see me +once in London, looking very old, fat, and slatternly, with two +dirty children at her side. She wept very much when she saw me, +called me 'Sir,' and 'Mr. Lyndon,' at which I was not sorry, and +begged me to help her husband; which I did, getting him, through my +friend Lord Crabs, a place in the excise in Ireland, and paying the +passage of his family and himself to that country. I found him a +dirty, cast-down, snivelling drunkard; and, looking at poor Nora, +could not but wonder at the days when I had thought her a divinity. +But if ever I have had a regard for a woman, I remain through life +her constant friend, and could mention a thousand such instances of +my generous and faithful disposition. + +Young Bullingdon, however, was almost the only person with whom she +was concerned that my mother could not keep in order. The accounts +she sent me of him at first were such as gave my paternal heart +considerable pain. He rejected all regularity and authority. He +would absent himself for weeks from the house on sporting or other +expeditions. He was when at home silent and queer, refusing to make +my mother's game at piquet of evenings, but plunging into all sorts +of musty old books, with which he muddled his brains; more at ease +laughing and chatting with the pipers and maids in the servants' +hall, than with the gentry in the drawing-room; always cutting jibes +and jokes at Mrs. Barry, at which she (who was rather a slow woman +at repartee) would chafe violently: in fact, leading a life of +insubordination and scandal. And, to crown all, the young scapegrace +took to frequenting the society of the Romish priest of the parish-- +a threadbare rogue, from some Popish seminary in France or Spain-- +rather than the company of the vicar of Castle Lyndon, a gentleman +of Trinity, who kept his hounds and drank his two bottles a day. + +Regard for the lad's religion made me not hesitate then how I should +act towards him. If I have any principle which has guided me through +life, it has been respect for the Establishment, and a hearty scorn +and abhorrence of all other forms of belief. I therefore sent my +French body-servant, in the year 17--, to Dublin with a commission +to bring the young reprobate over; and the report brought to me was +that he had passed the whole of the last night of his stay in +Ireland with his Popish friend at the mass-house; that he and my +mother had a violent quarrel on the very last day; that, on the +contrary, he kissed Biddy and Dosy, her two nieces, who seemed very +sorry that he should go; and that being pressed to go and visit the +rector, he absolutely refused, saying he was a wicked old Pharisee, +inside whose doors he would never set his foot. The doctor wrote me +a letter, warning me against the deplorable errors of this young imp +of perdition, as he called him; and I could see that there was no +love lost between them. But it appeared that, if not agreeable to +the gentry of the country, young Bullingdon had a huge popularity +among the common people. There was a regular crowd weeping round the +gate when his coach took its departure. Scores of the ignorant +savage wretches ran for miles along by the side of the chariot; and +some went even so far as to steal away before his departure, and +appear at the Pigeon-House at Dublin to bid him a last farewell. It +was with considerable difficulty that some of these people could be +kept from secreting themselves in the vessel, and accompanying their +young lord to England. + +To do the young scoundrel justice, when he came among us, he was a +manly noble-looking lad, and everything in his bearing and +appearance betokened the high blood from which he came. He was the +very portrait of some of the dark cavaliers of the Lyndon race, +whose pictures hung in the gallery at Hackton: where the lad was +fond of spending the chief part of his time, occupied with the musty +old books which he took out of the library, and which I hate to see +a young man of spirit poring over. Always in my company he preserved +the most rigid silence, and a haughty scornful demeanour; which was +so much the more disagreeable because there was nothing in his +behaviour I could actually take hold of to find fault with: although +his whole conduct was insolent and supercilious to the highest +degree. His mother was very much agitated at receiving him on his +arrival; if he felt any such agitation he certainly did not show it. +He made her a very low and formal bow when he kissed her hand; and, +when I held out mine, put both his hands behind his back, stared me +full in the face, and bent his head, saying, 'Mr. Barry Lyndon, I +believe;' turned on his heel, and began talking about the state of +the weather to his mother, whom he always styled 'Your Ladyship.' +She was angry at this pert bearing, and, when they were alone, +rebuked him sharply for not shaking hands with his father. + +'My father, madam?' said he; 'surely you mistake. My father was the +Right Honourable Sir Charles Lyndon. _I_ at least have not forgotten +him, if others have.' It was a declaration of war to me, as I saw at +once; though I declare I was willing enough to have received the boy +well on his coming amongst us, and to have lived with him on terms +of friendliness. But as men serve me I serve them. Who can blame me +for my after-quarrels with this young reprobate, or lay upon my +shoulders the evils which afterwards befell? Perhaps I lost my +temper, and my subsequent treatment of him WAS hard. But it was he +began the quarrel, and not I; and the evil consequences which ensued +were entirely of his creating. + +As it is best to nip vice in the bud, and for a master of a family +to exercise his authority in such a manner as that there may be no +question about it, I took the earliest opportunity of coming to +close quarters with Master Bullingdon; and the day after his arrival +among us, upon his refusal to perform some duty which I requested of +him, I had him conveyed to my study, and thrashed him soundly. This +process, I confess, at first agitated me a good deal, for I had +never laid a whip on a lord before; but I got speedily used to the +practice, and his back and my whip became so well acquainted, that I +warrant there was very little CEREMONY between us after a while. + +If I were to repeat all the instances of the insubordination and +brutal conduct of young Bullingdon, I should weary the reader. His +perseverance in resistance was, I think, even greater than mine in +correcting him: for a man, be he ever so much resolved to do his +duty as a parent, can't be flogging his children all day, or for +every fault they commit: and though I got the character of being so +cruel a stepfather to him, I pledge my word I spared him correction +when he merited it many more times than I administered it. Besides, +there were eight clear months in the year when he was quit of me, +during the time of my presence in London, at my place in Parliament, +and at the Court of my Sovereign. + +At this period I made no difficulty to allow him to profit by the +Latin and Greek of the old rector; who had christened him, and had a +considerable influence over the wayward lad. After a scene or a +quarrel between us, it was generally to the rectory-house that the +young rebel would fly for refuge and counsel; and I must own that +the parson was a pretty just umpire between us in our disputes. Once +he led the boy back to Hackton by the hand, and actually brought him +into my presence, although he had vowed never to enter the doors in +my lifetime again, and said, 'He had brought his Lordship to +acknowledge his error, and submit to any punishment I might think +proper to inflict.' Upon which I caned him in the presence of two or +three friends of mine, with whom I was sitting drinking at the time; +and to do him justice, he bore a pretty severe punishment without +wincing or crying in the least. This will show that I was not too +severe in my treatment of the lad, as I had the authority of the +clergyman himself for inflicting the correction which I thought +proper. + +Twice or thrice, Lavender, Bryan's governor, attempted to punish my +Lord Bullingdon; but I promise you the rogue was too strong for HIM, +and levelled the Oxford man to the ground with a chair: greatly to +the delight of little Byran, who cried out, 'Bravo, Bully! thump +him, thump him!' And Bully certainly did, to the governor's heart's +content; who never attempted personal chastisement afterwards; but +contented himself by bringing the tales of his Lordship's misdoings +to me, his natural protector and guardian. + +With the child, Bullingdon was, strange to say, pretty tractable. He +took a liking for the little fellow,--as, indeed, everybody who saw +that darling boy did,--liked him the more, he said, because he was +'half a Lyndon.' And well he might like him, for many a time, at the +dear angel's intercession of 'Papa, don't flog Bully to-day!' I have +held my hand, and saved him a horsing, which he richly deserved. + +With his mother, at first, he would scarcely deign to have any +communication. He said she was no longer one of the family. Why +should he love her, as she had never been a mother to him? But it +will give the reader an idea of the dogged obstinacy and surliness +of the lad's character, when I mention one trait regarding him. It +has been made a matter of complaint against me, that I denied him +the education befitting a gentleman, and never sent him to college +or to school; but the fact is, it was of his own choice that he went +to neither. He had the offer repeatedly from me (who wished to see +as little of his impudence as possible), but he as repeatedly +declined; and, for a long time, I could not make out what was the +charm which kept him in a house where he must have been far from +comfortable. + +It came out, however, at last. There used to be very frequent +disputes between my Lady Lyndon and myself, in which sometimes she +was wrong, sometimes I was; and which, as neither of us had very +angelical tempers, used to run very high. I was often in liquor; and +when in that condition, what gentleman is master of himself? Perhaps +I DID, in this state, use my Lady rather roughly; fling a glass or +two at her, and call her by a few names that were not complimentary. +I may have threatened her life (which it was obviously my interest +not to take), and have frightened her, in a word, considerably. + +After one of these disputes, in which she ran screaming through the +galleries, and I, as tipsy as a lord, came staggering after, it +appears Bullingdon was attracted out of his room by the noise; as I +came up with her, the audacious rascal tripped up my heels, which +were not very steady, and catching his fainting mother in his arms, +took her into his own room; where he, upon her entreaty, swore he +would never leave the house as long as she continued united with me. +I knew nothing of the vow, or indeed of the tipsy frolic which was +the occasion of it; I was taken up 'glorious,' as the phrase is, by +my servants, and put to bed, and, in the morning, had no more +recollection of what had occurred any more than of what happened +when I was a baby at the breast. Lady Lyndon told me of the +circumstance years after; and I mention it here, as it enables me to +plead honourably 'not guilty' to one of the absurd charges of +cruelty trumped up against me with respect to my stepson. Let my +detractors apologise, if they dare, for the conduct of a graceless +ruffian who trips up the heels of his own natural guardian and +stepfather after dinner. + +This circumstance served to unite mother and son for a little; but +their characters were too different. I believe she was too fond of +me ever to allow him to be sincerely reconciled to her. As he grew +up to be a man, his hatred towards me assumed an intensity quite +wicked to think of (and which I promise you I returned with +interest): and it was at the age of sixteen, I think, that the +impudent young hangdog, on my return from Parliament one summer, and +on my proposing to cane him as usual, gave me to understand that he +would submit to no farther chastisement from me, and said, grinding +his teeth, that he would shoot me if I laid hands on him. I looked +at him; he was grown, in fact, to be a tall young man, and I gave up +that necessary part of his education. + +It was about this time that I raised the company which was to serve +in America; and my enemies in the country (and since my victory over +the Tiptoffs I scarce need say I had many of them) began to +propagate the most shameful reports regarding my conduct to that +precious young scapegrace my stepson, and to insinuate that I +actually wished to get rid of him. Thus my loyalty to my Sovereign +was actually construed into a horrid unnatural attempt on my part on +Bullingdon's life; and it was said that I had raised the American +corps for the sole purpose of getting the young Viscount to command +it, and so of getting rid of him. I am not sure that they had not +fixed upon the name of the very man in the company who was ordered +to despatch him at the first general action, and the bribe I was to +give him for this delicate piece of service. + +But the truth is, I was of opinion then (and though the fulfilment +of my prophecy has been delayed, yet I make no doubt it will be +brought to pass ere long), that my Lord Bullingdon needed none of MY +aid in sending him into the other world; but had a happy knack of +finding the way thither himself, which he would be sure to pursue. +In truth, he began upon this way early: of all the violent, daring, +disobedient scapegraces that ever caused an affectionate parent +pain, he was certainly the most incorrigible; there was no beating +him, or coaxing him, or taming him. + +For instance, with my little son, when his governor brought him into +the room as we were over the bottle after dinner, my Lord would +begin his violent and undutiful sarcasms at me. + +'Dear child,' he would say, beginning to caress and fondle him, +'what a pity it is I am not dead for thy sake! The Lyndons would +then have a worthier representative, and enjoy all the benefit of +the illustrious blood of the Barrys of Barryogue; would they not, +Mr. Barry Lyndon?' He always chose the days when company, or the +clergy or gentry of the neighbourhood, were present, to make these +insolent speeches to me. + +Another day (it was Bryan's birthday) we were giving a grand ball +and gala at Hackton, and it was time for my little Bryan to make his +appearance among us, as he usually did in the smartest little court- +suit you ever saw (ah me! but it brings tears into my old eyes now +to think of the bright looks of that darling little face). There was +a great crowding and tittering when the child came in, led by his +half-brother, who walked into the dancing-room (would you believe +it?) in his stocking-feet, leading little Bryan by the hand, +paddling about in the great shoes of the elder! 'Don't you think he +fits my shoes very well, Sir Richard Wargrave?' says the young +reprobate: upon which the company began to look at each other and to +titter; and his mother, coming up to Lord Bullingdon with great +dignity, seized the child to her breast, and said, 'From the manner +in which I love this child, my Lord, you ought to know how I would +have loved his elder brother had he proved worthy of any mother's +affection!' and, bursting into tears, Lady Lyndon left the +apartment, and the young lord rather discomfited for once. + +At last, on one occasion, his behaviour to me was so outrageous (it +was in the hunting-field and in a large public company), that I lost +all patience, rode at the urchin straight, wrenched him out of his +saddle with all my force, and, flinging him roughly to the ground, +sprang down to it myself, and administered such a correction across +the young caitiff's head and shoulders with my horsewhip as might +have ended in his death, had I not been restrained in time; for my +passion was up, and I was in a state to do murder or any other +crime. The lad was taken home and put to bed, where he lay for a day +or two in a fever, as much from rage and vexation as from the +chastisement I had given him; and three days afterwards, on sending +to inquire at his chamber whether he would join the family at table, +a note was found on his table, and his bed was empty and cold. The +young villain had fled, and had the audacity to write in the +following terms regarding me to my wife, his mother:-- + +'Madam,' he said, 'I have borne as long as mortal could endure the +ill-treatment of the insolent Irish upstart whom you have taken to +your bed. It is not only the lowness of his birth and the general +brutality of his manners which disgust me, and must make me hate him +so long as I have the honour to bear the name of Lyndon, which he is +unworthy of, but the shameful nature of his conduct towards your +Ladyship; his brutal and ungentlemanlike behaviour, his open +infidelity, his habits of extravagance, intoxication, his shameless +robberies and swindling of my property and yours. It is these +insults to you which shock and annoy me, more than the ruffian's +infamous conduct to myself. I would have stood by your Ladyship as I +promised, but you seem to have taken latterly your husband's part; +and, as I cannot personally chastise this low-bred ruffian, who, to +our shame be it spoken, is the husband of my mother; and as I cannot +bear to witness his treatment of you, and loathe his horrible +society as if it were the plague, I am determined to quit my native +country: at least during his detested life, or during my own. I +possess a small income from my father, of which I have no doubt Mr. +Barry will cheat me if he can; but which, if your Ladyship has some +feelings of a mother left, you will, perhaps, award to me. Messrs. +Childs, the bankers, can have orders to pay it to me when due; if +they receive no such orders, I shall be not in the least surprised, +knowing you to be in the hands of a villain who would not scruple to +rob on the highway; and shall try to find out some way in life for +myself more honourable than that by which the penniless Irish +adventurer has arrived to turn me out of my rights and home.' + +This mad epistle was signed 'Bullingdon,' and all the neighbours +vowed that I had been privy to his flight, and would profit by it; +though I declare on my honour my true and sincere desire, after +reading the above infamous letter, was to have the author within a +good arm's length of me, that I might let him know my opinion +regarding him. But there was no eradicating this idea from people's +minds, who insisted that I wanted to kill Bullingdon; whereas +murder, as I have said, was never one of my evil qualities: and even +had I wished to injure my young enemy ever so much, common prudence +would have made my mind easy, as I knew he was going to ruin his own +way. + +It was long before we heard of the fate of the audacious young +truant; but after some fifteen months had elapsed, I had the +pleasure of being able to refute some of the murderous calumnies +which had been uttered against me, by producing a bill with +Bullingdon's own signature, drawn from General Tarleton's army in +America, where my company was conducting itself with the greatest +glory, and with which my Lord was serving as a volunteer. There were +some of my kind friends who persisted still in attributing all sorts +of wicked intentions to me. Lord Tiptoff would never believe that I +would pay any bill, much more any bill of Lord Bullingdon's; old +Lady Betty Grimsby, his sister, persisted in declaring the bill was +a forgery, and the poor dear lord dead; until there came a letter to +her Ladyship from Lord Bullingdon himself, who had been at New York +at headquarters, and who described at length the splendid festival +given by the officers of the garrison to our distinguished +chieftains, the two Howes. + +In the meanwhile, if I HAD murdered my Lord, I could scarcely have +been received with more shameful obloquy and slander than now +followed me in town and country. 'You will hear of the lad's death, +be sure,' exclaimed one of my friends. 'And then his wife's will +follow,' added another. 'He will marry Jenny Jones,' added a third; +and so on. Lavender brought me the news of these scandals about me: +the country was up against me. The farmers on market-days used to +touch their hats sulkily, and get out of my way; the gentlemen who +followed my hunt now suddenly seceded from it, and left off my +uniform; at the county ball, where I led out Lady Susan Capermore, +and took my place third in the dance after the duke and the marquis, +as was my wont, all the couples turned away as we came to them, and +we were left to dance alone. Sukey Capermore has a love of dancing +which would make her dance at a funeral if anybody asked her, and I +had too much spirit to give in at this signal instance of insult +towards me; so we danced with some of the very commonest low people +at the bottom of the set--your apothecaries, wine-merchants, +attorneys, and such scum as are allowed to attend our public +assemblies. + +The bishop, my Lady Lyndon's relative, neglected to invite us to the +palace at the assizes; and, in a word, every indignity was put upon +me which could by possibility be heaped upon an innocent and +honourable gentleman. + +My reception in London, whither I now carried my wife and family, +was scarcely more cordial. On paying my respects to my Sovereign at +St. James's, His Majesty pointedly asked me when I had news of Lord +Bullingdon. On which I replied, with no ordinary presence of mind, +'Sir, my Lord Bullingdon is fighting the rebels against your +Majesty's crown in America. Does your Majesty desire that I should +send another regiment to aid him?' On which the King turned on his +heel, and I made my bow out of the presence-chamber. When Lady +Lyndon kissed the Queen's hand at the drawing-room, I found that +precisely the same question had been put to her Ladyship; and she +came home much agitated at the rebuke which had been administered to +her. Thus it was that my loyalty was rewarded, and my sacrifice, in +favour of my country, viewed! I took away my establishment abruptly +to Paris, where I met with a very different reception: but my stay +amidst the enchanting pleasures of that capital was extremely short; +for the French Government, which had been long tampering with the +American rebels, now openly acknowledged the independence of the +United States. A declaration of war ensued: all we happy English +were ordered away from Paris; and I think I left one or two fair +ladies there inconsolable. It is the only place where a gentleman +can live as he likes without being incommoded by his wife. The +Countess and I, during our stay, scarcely saw each other except upon +public occasions, at Versailles, or at the Queen's play-table; and +our dear little Bryan advanced in a thousand elegant accomplishments +which rendered him the delight of all who knew him. + +I must not forget to mention here my last interview with my good +uncle, the Chevalier de Ballybarry, whom I left at Brussels with +strong intentions of making his salut, as the phrase is, and who had +gone into retirement at a convent there. Since then he had come into +the world again, much to his annoyance and repentance; having fallen +desperately in love in his old age with a French actress, who had +done, as most ladies of her character do,--ruined him, left him, and +laughed at him. His repentance was very edifying. Under the guidance +of Messieurs of the Irish College, he once more turned his thoughts +towards religion; and his only prayer to me when I saw him and asked +in what I could relieve him, was to pay a handsome fee to the +convent into which he proposed to enter. + +This I could not, of course, do: my religious principles forbidding +me to encourage superstition in any way; and the old gentleman and I +parted rather coolly, in consequence of my refusal, as he said, to +make his old days comfortable. + +I was very poor at the time, that is the fact; and entre nous, the +Rosemont of the French Opera, an indifferent dancer, but a charming +figure and ankle, was ruining me in diamonds, equipages, and +furniture bills, added to which I had a run of ill-luck at play, and +was forced to meet my losses by the most shameful sacrifices to the +money-lenders, by pawning part of Lady Lyndon's diamonds (that +graceless little Rosemont wheedled me out of some of them), and by a +thousand other schemes for raising money. But when Honour is in the +case, was I ever found backward at her call: and what man can say +that Barry Lyndon lost a bet which he did not pay? + +As for my ambitious hopes regarding the Irish peerage, I began, on +my return, to find out that I had been led wildly astray by that +rascal Lord Crabs; who liked to take my money, but had no more +influence to get me a coronet than to procure for me the Pope's +tiara. The Sovereign was not a whit more gracious to me on returning +from the Continent than he had been before my departure; and I had +it from one of the aides-de-camp of the Royal Dukes his brothers, +that my conduct and amusements at Paris had been odiously +misrepresented by some spies there, and had formed the subject of +Royal comment; and that the King had, influenced by these calumnies, +actually said I was the most disreputable man in the three kingdoms. +I disreputable! I a dishonour to my name and country! When I heard +these falsehoods, I was in such a rage that I went off to Lord North +at once to remonstrate with the Minister; to insist upon being +allowed to appear before His Majesty and clear myself of the +imputations against me, to point out my services to the Government +in voting with them, and to ask when the reward that had been +promised to me--viz., the title held by my ancestors--was again to +be revived in my person? + +There was a sleepy coolness in that fat Lord North which was the +most provoking thing that the Opposition had ever to encounter from +him. He heard me with half-shut eyes. When I had finished a long +violent speech--which I made striding about his room in Downing +Street, and gesticulating with all the energy of an Irishman--he +opened one eye, smiled, and asked me gently if I had done. On my +replying in the affirmative, he said, 'Well, Mr. Barry, I'll answer +you, point by point. The King is exceedingly averse to make peers, +as you know. Your claims, as you call them, HAVE been laid before +him, and His Majesty's gracious reply was, that you were the most +impudent man in his dominions, and merited a halter rather than a +coronet. As for withdrawing your support from us, you are perfectly +welcome to carry yourself and your vote whithersoever you please. +And now, as I have a great deal of occupation, perhaps you will do +me the favour to retire.' So saying, he raised his hand lazily to +the bell, and bowed me out; asking blandly if there was any other +thing in the world in which he could oblige me. + +I went home in a fury which can't be described; and having Lord +Crabs to dinner that day, assailed his Lordship by pulling his wig +off his head, and smothering it in his face, and by attacking him in +that part of the person where, according to report, he had been +formerly assaulted by Majesty. The whole story was over the town the +next day, and pictures of me were hanging in the clubs and print- +shops performing the operation alluded to. All the town laughed at +the picture of the lord and the Irishman, and, I need not say, +recognised both. As for me, I was one of the most celebrated +characters in London in those days: my dress, style, and equipage +being as well known as those of any leader of the fashion; and my +popularity, if not great in the highest quarters, was at least +considerable elsewhere. The people cheered me in the Gordon rows, at +the time they nearly killed my friend Jemmy Twitcher and burned Lord +Mansfield's house down. Indeed, I was known as a staunch Protestant, +and after my quarrel with Lord North veered right round to the +Opposition, and vexed him with all the means in my power. + +These were not, unluckily, very great, for I was a bad speaker, and +the House would not listen to me, and presently, in 1780, after the +Gordon disturbance, was dissolved, when a general election took +place. It came on me, as all my mishaps were in the habit of coming, +at a most unlucky time. I was obliged to raise more money, at most +ruinous rates, to face the confounded election, and had the Tiptoffs +against me in the field more active and virulent than ever. + +My blood boils even now when I think of the rascally conduct of my +enemies in that scoundrelly election. I was held up as the Irish +Bluebeard, and libels of me were printed, and gross caricatures +drawn representing me flogging Lady Lyndon, whipping Lord +Bullingdon, turning him out of doors in a storm, and I know not +what. There were pictures of a pauper cabin in Ireland, from which +it was pretended I came; others in which I was represented as a +lacquey and shoeblack. A flood of calumny was let loose upon me, in +which any man of less spirit would have gone down. + +But though I met my accusers boldly, though I lavished sums of money +in the election, though I flung open Hackton Hall and kept champagne +and Burgundy running there, and at all my inns in the town, as +commonly as water, the election went against me. The rascally gentry +had all turned upon me and joined the Tiptoff faction: it was even +represented that I held my wife by force; and though I sent her into +the town alone, wearing my colours, with Bryan in her lap, and made +her visit the mayor's lady and the chief women there, nothing would +persuade the people but that she lived in fear and trembling of me; +and the brutal mob had the insolence to ask her why she dared to go +back, and how she liked horsewhip for supper. + +I was thrown out of my election, and all the bills came down upon me +together--all the bills I had been contracting during the years of +my marriage, which the creditors, with a rascally unanimity, sent in +until they lay upon my table in heaps. I won't cite their amount: it +was frightful. My stewards and lawyers made matters worse. I was +bound up in an inextricable toil of bills and debts, of mortgages +and insurances, and all the horrible evils attendant upon them. +Lawyers upon lawyers posted down from London; composition after +composition was made, and Lady Lyndon's income hampered almost +irretrievably to satisfy these cormorants. To do her justice, she +behaved with tolerable kindness at this season of trouble; for +whenever I wanted money I had to coax her, and whenever I coaxed her +I was sure of bringing this weak and light-minded woman to good- +humour: who was of such a weak terrified nature, that to secure an +easy week with me she would sign away a thousand a year. And when my +troubles began at Hackton, and I determined on the only chance left, +viz. to retire to Ireland and retrench, assigning over the best part +of my income to the creditors until their demands were met, my Lady +was quite cheerful at the idea of going, and said, if we would be +quiet, she had no doubt all would be well; indeed, was glad to +undergo the comparative poverty in which we must now live for the +sake of the retirement and the chance of domestic quiet which she +hoped to enjoy. + +We went off to Bristol pretty suddenly, leaving the odious and +ungrateful wretches at Hackton to vilify us, no doubt, in our +absence. My stud and hounds were sold off immediately; the harpies +would have been glad to pounce upon my person; but that was out of +their power. I had raised, by cleverness and management, to the full +as much on my mines and private estates as they were worth; so the +scoundrels were disappointed in THIS instance; and as for the plate +and property in the London house, they could not touch that, as it +was the property of the heirs of the house of Lyndon. + +I passed over to Ireland, then, and took up my abode at Castle +Lyndon for a while; all the world imagining that I was an utterly +ruined man, and that the famous and dashing Barry Lyndon would never +again appear in the circles of which he had been an ornament. But it +was not so. In the midst of my perplexities, Fortune reserved a +great consolation for me still. Despatches came home from America +announcing Lord Cornwallis's defeat of General Gates in Carolina, +and the death of Lord Bullingdon, who was present as a volunteer. + +For my own desires to possess a paltry Irish title I cared little. +My son was now heir to an English earldom, and I made him assume +forthwith the title of Lord Viscount Castle Lyndon, the third of the +family titles. My mother went almost mad with joy at saluting her +grandson as 'my Lord,' and I felt that all my sufferings and +privations were repaid by seeing this darling child advanced to such +a post of honour. + +CHAPTER XIX + +CONCLUSION + +If the world were not composed of a race of ungrateful scoundrels, +who share your prosperity while it lasts, and, even when gorged with +your venison and Burgundy, abuse the generous giver of the feast, I +am sure I merit a good name and a high reputation: in Ireland, at +least, where my generosity was unbounded, and the splendour of my +mansion and entertainments unequalled by any other nobleman of my +time. As long as my magnificence lasted, all the country was free to +partake of it; I had hunters sufficient in my stables to mount a +regiment of dragoons, and butts of wine in my cellar which would +have made whole counties drunk for years. Castle Lyndon became the +headquarters of scores of needy gentlemen, and I never rode a- +hunting but I had a dozen young fellows of the best blood of the +country riding as my squires and gentlemen of the horse. My son, +little Castle Lyndon, was a prince; his breeding and manners, even +at his early age, showed him to be worthy of the two noble families +from whom he was descended: I don't know what high hopes I had for +the boy, and indulged in a thousand fond anticipations as to his +future success and figure in the world. But stern Fate had +determined that I should leave none of my race behind me, and +ordained that I should finish my career, as I see it closing now-- +poor, lonely, and childless. I may have had my faults; but no man +shall dare to say of me that I was not a good and tender father. I +loved that boy passionately; perhaps with a blind partiality: I +denied him nothing. Gladly, gladly, I swear, would I have died that +his premature doom might have been averted. I think there is not a +day since I lost him but his bright face and beautiful smiles look +down on me out of heaven, where he is, and that my heart does not +yearn towards him. That sweet child was taken from me at the age of +nine years, when he was full of beauty and promise: and so powerful +is the hold his memory has of me that I have never been able to +forget him; his little spirit haunts me of nights on my restless +solitary pillow; many a time, in the wildest and maddest company, as +the bottle is going round, and the song and laugh roaring about, I +am thinking of him. I have got a lock of his soft brown hair hanging +round my breast now: it will accompany me to the dishonoured +pauper's grave; where soon, no doubt, Barry Lyndon's worn-out old +bones will be laid. + +My Bryan was a boy of amazing high spirit (indeed how, coming from +such a stock, could he be otherwise?), impatient even of my control, +against which the dear little rogue would often rebel gallantly; how +much more, then, of his mother's and the women's, whose attempts to +direct him he would laugh to scorn. Even my own mother ('Mrs. Barry +of Lyndon' the good soul now called herself, in compliment to my new +family) was quite unable to check him; and hence you may fancy what +a will he had of his own. If it had not been for that, he might have +lived to this day: he might--but why repine? Is he not in a better +place? would the heritage of a beggar do any service to him? It is +best as it is--Heaven be good to us!--Alas! that I, his father, +should be left to deplore him. + +It was in the month of October I had been to Dublin, in order to see +a lawyer and a moneyed man who had come over to Ireland to consult +with me about some sales of mine and the cut of Hackton timber; of +which, as I hated the place and was greatly in want of money, I was +determined to cut down every stick. There had been some difficulty +in the matter. It was said I had no right to touch the timber. The +brute peasantry about the estate had been roused to such a pitch of +hatred against me, that the rascals actually refused to lay an axe +to the trees; and my agent (that scoundrel Larkins) declared that +his life was in danger among them if he attempted any further +despoilment (as they called it) of the property. Every article of +the splendid furniture was sold by this time, as I need not say; and +as for the plate, I had taken good care to bring it off to Ireland, +where it now was in the best of keeping--my banker's, who had +advanced six thousand pounds on it: which sum I soon had occasion +for. + +I went to Dublin, then, to meet the English man of business; and so +far succeeded in persuading Mr. Splint, a great shipbuilder and +timber-dealer of Plymouth, of my claim to the Hackton timber, that +he agreed to purchase it off-hand at about one-third of its value, +and handed me over five thousand pounds: which, being pressed with +debts at the time, I was fain to accept. HE had no difficulty in +getting down the wood, I warrant. He took a regiment of shipwrights +and sawyers from his own and the King's yards at Plymouth, and in +two months Hackton Park was as bare of trees as the Bog of Allen. + +I had but ill luck with that accursed expedition and money. I lost +the greater part of it in two nights' play at 'Daly's,' so that my +debts stood just as they were before; and before the vessel sailed +for Holyhead, which carried away my old sharper of a timber- +merchant, all that I had left of the money he brought me was a +couple of hundred pounds, with which I returned home very +disconsolately: and very suddenly, too, for my Dublin tradesmen were +hot upon me, hearing I had spent the loan, and two of my wine- +merchants had writs out against me for some thousands of pounds. + +I bought in Dublin, according to my promise, however--for when I +give a promise I will keep it at any sacrifices--a little horse for +my dear little Bryan; which was to be a present for his tenth +birthday, that was now coming on: it was a beautiful little animal +and stood me in a good sum. I never regarded money for that dear +child. But the horse was very wild. He kicked off one of my horse- +boys, who rode him at first, and broke the lad's leg; and, though I +took the animal in hand on the journey home, it was only my weight +and skill that made the brute quiet. + +When we got home I sent the horse away with one of my grooms to a +farmer's house, to break him thoroughly in, and told Bryan, who was +all anxiety to see his little horse, that he would arrive by his +birthday, when he should hunt him along with my hounds; and I +promised myself no small pleasure in presenting the dear fellow to +the field that day: which I hoped to see him lead some time or other +in place of his fond father. Ah me! never was that gallant boy to +ride a fox-chase, or to take the place amongst the gentry of his +country which his birth and genius had pointed out for him! + +Though I don't believe in dreams and omens, yet I can't but own that +when a great calamity is hanging over a man he has frequently many +strange and awful forebodings of it. I fancy now I had many. Lady +Lyndon, especially, twice dreamed of her son's death; but, as she +was now grown uncommonly nervous and vapourish, I treated her fears +with scorn, and my own, of course, too. And in an unguarded moment, +over the bottle after dinner, I told poor Bryan, who was always +questioning me about the little horse, and when it was to come, that +it was arrived; that it was in Doolan's farm, where Mick the groom +was breaking him in. 'Promise me, Bryan,' screamed his mother, 'that +you will not ride the horse except in company of your father.' But I +only said, 'Pooh, madam, you are an ass!' being angry at her silly +timidity, which was always showing itself in a thousand disagreeable +ways now; and, turning round to Bryan, said, 'I promise your +Lordship a good flogging if you mount him without my leave.' + +I suppose the poor child did not care about paying this penalty for +the pleasure he was to have, or possibly thought a fond father would +remit the punishment altogether; for the next morning, when I rose +rather late, having sat up drinking the night before, I found the +child had been off at daybreak, having slipt through his tutor's +room (this was Redmond Quin, our cousin, whom I had taken to live +with me), and I had no doubt but that he was gone to Doolan's farm. + +I took a great horsewhip and galloped off after him in a rage, +swearing I would keep my promise. But, Heaven forgive me! I little +thought of it when at three miles from home I met a sad procession +coming towards me: peasants moaning and howling as our Irish do, the +black horse led by the hand, and, on a door that some of the folk +carried, my poor dear dear little boy. There he lay in his little +boots and spurs, and his little coat of scarlet and gold. His dear +face was quite white, and he smiled as he held a hand out to me, and +said painfully, 'You won't whip me, will you, papa?' I could only +burst out into tears in reply. I have seen many and many a man +dying, and there's a look about the eyes which you cannot mistake. +There was a little drummer-boy I was fond of who was hit down before +my company at Kuhnersdorf; when I ran up to give him some water, he +looked exactly like my dear Bryan then did--there's no mistaking +that awful look of the eyes. We carried him home and scoured the +country round for doctors to come and look at his hurt. + +But what does a doctor avail in a contest with the grim invincible +enemy? Such as came could only confirm our despair by their account +of the poor child's case. He had mounted his horse gallantly, sat +him bravely all the time the animal plunged and kicked, and, having +overcome his first spite, ran him at a hedge by the roadside. But +there were loose stones at the top, and the horse's foot caught +among them, and he and his brave little rider rolled over together +at the other side. The people said they saw the noble little boy +spring up after his fall and run to catch the horse; which had +broken away from him, kicking him on the back, as it would seem, as +they lay on the ground. Poor Bryan ran a few yards and then dropped +down as if shot. A pallor came over his face, and they thought he +was dead. But they poured whisky down his mouth, and the poor child +revived: still he could not move; his spine was injured; the lower +half of him was dead when they laid him in bed at home. The rest did +not last long, God help me! He remained yet for two days with us; +and a sad comfort it was to think he was in no pain. + +During this time the dear angel's temper seemed quite to change: he +asked his mother and me pardon for any act of disobedience he had +been guilty of towards us; he said often he should like to see his +brother Bullingdon. 'Bully was better than you, papa,' he said; 'he +used not to swear so, and he told and taught me many good things +while you were away.' And, taking a hand of his mother and mine in +each of his little clammy ones, he begged us not to quarrel so, but +love each other, so that we might meet again in heaven, where Bully +told him quarrelsome people never went. His mother was very much +affected by these admonitions from the poor suffering angel's mouth; +and I was so too. I wish she had enabled me to keep the counsel +which the dying boy gave us. + +At last, after two days, he died. There he lay, the hope of my +family, the pride of my manhood, the link which had kept me and my +Lady Lyndon together. 'Oh, Redmond,' said she, kneeling by the sweet +child's body, 'do, do let us listen to the truth out of his blessed +mouth: and do you amend your life, and treat your poor loving fond +wife as her dying child bade you.' And I said I would: but there are +promises which it is out of a man's power to keep; especially with +such a woman as her. But we drew together after that sad event, and +were for several months better friends. + +I won't tell you with what splendour we buried him. Of what avail +are undertakers' feathers and heralds' trumpery? I went out and shot +the fatal black horse that had killed him, at the door of the vault +where we laid my boy. I was so wild, that I could have shot myself +too. But for the crime, it would have been better that I should, +perhaps; for what has my life been since that sweet flower was taken +out of my bosom? A succession of miseries, wrongs, disasters, and +mental and bodily sufferings which never fell to the lot of any +other man in Christendom. + +Lady Lyndon, always vapourish and nervous, after our blessed boy's +catastrophe became more agitated than ever, and plunged into +devotion with so much fervour, that you would have fancied her +almost distracted at times. She imagined she saw visions. She said +an angel from heaven had told her that Bryan's death was as a +punishment to her for her neglect of her first-born. Then she would +declare Bullingdon was alive; she had seen him in a dream. Then +again she would fall into fits of sorrow about his death, and grieve +for him as violently as if he had been the last of her sons who had +died, and not our darling Bryan; who, compared to Bullingdon, was +what a diamond is to a vulgar stone. Her freaks were painful to +witness, and difficult to control. It began to be said in the +country that the Countess was going mad. My scoundrelly enemies did +not fail to confirm and magnify the rumour, and would add that I was +the cause of her insanity: I had driven her to distraction, I had +killed Bullingdon, I had murdered my own son; I don't know what else +they laid to my charge. Even in Ireland their hateful calumnies +reached me: my friends fell away from me. They began to desert my +hunt, as they did in England, and when I went to race or market +found sudden reasons for getting out of my neighbourhood. I got the +name of Wicked Barry, Devil Lyndon, which you please: the country- +folk used to make marvellous legends about me: the priests said I +had massacred I don't know how many German nuns in the Seven Years' +War; that the ghost of the murdered Bullingdon haunted my house. +Once at a fair in a town hard by, when I had a mind to buy a +waistcoat for one of my people, a fellow standing by said, ''Tis a +strait-waistcoat he's buying for my Lady Lyndon.' And from this +circumstance arose a legend of my cruelty to my wife; and many +circumstantial details were narrated regarding my manner and +ingenuity of torturing her. + +The loss of my dear boy pressed not only on my heart as a father, +but injured my individual interests in a very considerable degree; +for as there was now no direct heir to the estate, and Lady Lyndon +was of a weak health, and supposed to be quite unlikely to leave a +family, the next in succession-that detestable family of Tiptoff-- +began to exert themselves in a hundred ways to annoy me, and were at +the head of the party of enemies who were raising reports to my +discredit. They interposed between me and my management of the +property in a hundred different ways; making an outcry if I cut a +stick, sunk a shaft, sold a picture, or sent a few ounces of plate +to be remodelled. They harassed me with ceaseless lawsuits, got +injunctions from Chancery, hampered my agents in the execution of +their work; so much so that you would have fancied my own was not my +own, but theirs, to do as they liked with. What is worse, as I have +reason to believe, they had tamperings and dealings with my own +domestics under my own roof; for I could not have a word with Lady +Lyndon but it somehow got abroad, and I could not be drunk with my +chaplain and friends but some sanctified rascals would get hold of +the news, and reckon up all the bottles I drank and all the oaths I +swore. That these were not few, I acknowledge. I am of the old +school; was always a free liver and speaker; and, at least, if I did +and said what I liked, was not so bad as many a canting scoundrel I +know of who covers his foibles and sins, unsuspected, with a mask of +holiness. As I am making a clean breast of it, and am no hypocrite, +I may as well confess now that I endeavoured to ward off the devices +of my enemies by an artifice which was not, perhaps, strictly +justifiable. Everything depended on my having an heir to the estate; +for if Lady Lyndon, who was of weakly health, had died, the next day +I was a beggar: all my sacrifices of money, &c., on the estate would +not have been held in a farthing's account; all the debts would have +been left on my shoulders; and my enemies would have triumphed over +me: which, to a man of my honourable spirit, was 'the unkindest cut +of all,' as some poet says. + +I confess, then, it was my wish to supplant these scoundrels; and, +as I could not do so without an heir to my property, _I_ DETERMINED +TO FIND ONE. If I had him near at hand, and of my own blood too, +though with the bar sinister, is not here the question. It was then +I found out the rascally machinations of my enemies; for, having +broached this plan to Lady Lyndon, whom I made to be, outwardly at +least, the most obedient of wives,--although I never let a letter +from her or to her go or arrive without my inspection,--although I +allowed her to see none but those persons who I thought, in her +delicate health, would be fitting society for her; yet the infernal +Tiptoffs got wind of my scheme, protested instantly against it, not +only by letter, but in the shameful libellous public prints, and +held me up to public odium as a 'child-forger,' as they called me. +Of course I denied the charge--I could do no otherwise, and offered +to meet any one of the Tiptoffs on the field of honour, and prove +him a scoundrel and a liar: as he was; though, perhaps, not in this +instance. But they contented themselves by answering me by a lawyer, +and declined an invitation which any man of spirit would have +accepted. My hopes of having an heir were thus blighted completely: +indeed, Lady Lyndon (though, as I have said, I take her opposition +for nothing) had resisted the proposal with as much energy as a +woman of her weakness could manifest; and said she had committed one +great crime in consequence of me, but would rather die than perform +another. I could easily have brought her Ladyship to her senses, +however: but my scheme had taken wind, and it was now in vain to +attempt it. We might have had a dozen children in honest wedlock, +and people would have said they were false. + +As for raising money on annuities, I may say I had used her life +interest up. There were but few of those assurance societies in my +time which have since sprung up in the city of London; underwriters +did the business, and my wife's life was as well known among them +as, I do believe, that of any woman in Christendom. Latterly, when I +wanted to get a sum against her life, the rascals had the impudence +to say my treatment of her did not render it worth a year's +purchase,--as if my interest lay in killing her! Had my boy lived, +it would have been a different thing; he and his mother might have +cut off the entail of a good part of the property between them, and +my affairs have been put in better order. Now they were in a bad +condition indeed. All my schemes had turned out failures; my lands, +which I had purchased with borrowed money, made me no return, and I +was obliged to pay ruinous interest for the sums with which I had +purchased them. My income, though very large, was saddled with +hundreds of annuities, and thousands of lawyers' charges; and I felt +the net drawing closer and closer round me, and no means to +extricate myself from its toils. + +To add to all my perplexities, two years after my poor child's +death, my wife, whose vagaries of temper and wayward follies I had +borne with for twelve years, wanted to leave me, and absolutely made +attempts at what she called escaping from my tyranny. + +My mother, who was the only person that, in my misfortunes, remained +faithful to me (indeed, she has always spoken of me in my true +light, as a martyr to the rascality of others and a victim of my own +generous and confiding temper), found out the first scheme that was +going on; and of which those artful and malicious Tiptoffs were, as +usual, the main promoters. Mrs. Barry, indeed, though her temper was +violent and her ways singular, was an invaluable person to me in my +house; which would have been at rack and ruin long before, but for +her spirit of order and management, and for her excellent economy in +the government of my numerous family. As for my Lady Lyndon, she, +poor soul! was much too fine a lady to attend to household matters-- +passed her days with her doctor, or her books of piety, and never +appeared among us except at my compulsion; when she and my mother +would be sure to have a quarrel. + +Mrs. Barry, on the contrary, had a talent for management in all +matters. She kept the maids stirring, and the footmen to their duty; +had an eye over the claret in the cellar, and the oats and hay in +the stable; saw to the salting and pickling, the potatoes and the +turf-stacking, the pig-killing and the poultry, the linen-room and +the bakehouse, and the ten thousand minutiae of a great +establishment. If all Irish housewives were like her, I warrant many +a hall-fire would be blazing where the cobwebs only grow now, and +many a park covered with sheep and fat cattle where the thistles are +at present the chief occupiers. If anything could have saved me from +the consequences of villainy in others, and (I confess it, for I am +not above owning to my faults) my own too easy, generous, and +careless nature, it would have been the admirable prudence of that +worthy creature. She never went to bed until all the house was quiet +and all the candles out; and you may fancy that this was a matter of +some difficulty with a man of my habits, who had commonly a dozen of +jovial fellows (artful scoundrels and false friends most of them +were!) to drink with me every night, and who seldom, for my part, +went to bed sober. Many and many a night, when I was unconscious of +her attention, has that good soul pulled my boots off, and seen me +laid by my servants snug in bed, and carried off the candle herself; +and been the first in the morning, too, to bring me my drink of +small-beer. Mine were no milksop times, I can tell you. A gentleman +thought no shame of taking his half-dozen bottles; and, as for your +coffee and slops, they were left to Lady Lyndon, her doctor, and the +other old women. It was my mother's pride that I could drink more +than any man in the country,--as much, within a pint, as my father +before me, she said. + +That Lady Lyndon should detest her was quite natural. She is not the +first of woman or mankind either that has hated a mother-in-law. I +set my mother to keep a sharp watch over the freaks of her Ladyship; +and this, you may be sure, was one of the reasons why the latter +disliked her. I never minded that, however. Mrs. Barry's assistance +and surveillance were invaluable to me; and, if I had paid twenty +spies to watch my Lady, I should not have been half so well served +as by the disinterested care and watchfulness of my excellent +mother. She slept with the house-keys under her pillow, and had an +eye everywhere. She followed all the Countess's movements like a +shadow; she managed to know, from morning to night, everything that +my Lady did. If she walked in the garden, a watchful eye was kept on +the wicket; and if she chose to drive out, Mrs. Barry accompanied +her, and a couple of fellows in my liveries rode alongside of the +carriage to see that she came to no harm. Though she objected, and +would have kept her room in sullen silence, I made a point that we +should appear together at church in the coach-and-six every Sunday; +and that she should attend the race-balls in my company, whenever +the coast was clear of the rascally bailiffs who beset me. This gave +the lie to any of those maligners who said I wished to make a +prisoner of my wife. The fact is, that, knowing her levity, and +seeing the insane dislike to me and mine which had now begun to +supersede what, perhaps, had been an equally insane fondness for me, +I was bound to be on my guard that she should not give me the slip. +Had she left me, I was ruined the next day. This (which my mother +knew) compelled us to keep a tight watch over her; but as for +imprisoning her, I repel the imputation with scorn. Every man +imprisons his wife to a certain degree; the world would be in a +pretty condition if women were allowed to quit home and return to it +whenever they had a mind. In watching over my wife, Lady Lyndon, I +did no more than exercise the legitimate authority which awards +honour and obedience to every husband. + +Such, however, is female artifice, that, in spite of all my +watchfulness in guarding her, it is probable my Lady would have +given me the slip, had I not had quite as acute a person as herself +as my ally: for, as the proverb says that 'the best way to catch one +thief is to set another after him,' so the best way to get the +better of a woman is to engage one of her own artful sex to guard +her. One would have thought that, followed as she was, all her +letters read, and all her acquaintances strictly watched by me, +living in a remote part of Ireland away from her family, Lady Lyndon +could have had no chance of communicating with her allies, or of +making her wrongs, as she was pleased to call them, public; and yet, +for a while, she carried on a correspondence under my very nose, and +acutely organised a conspiracy for flying from me; as shall be told. + +She always had an inordinate passion for dress, and, as she was +never thwarted in any whimsey she had of this kind (for I spared no +money to gratify her, and among my debts are milliners' bills to the +amount of many thousands), boxes used to pass continually to and fro +from Dublin, with all sorts of dresses, caps, flounces, and +furbelows, as her fancy dictated. With these would come letters from +her milliner, in answer to numerous similar injunctions from my +Lady; all of which passed through my hands, without the least +suspicion, for some time. And yet in these very papers, by the easy +means of sympathetic ink, were contained all her Ladyship's +correspondence; and Heaven knows (for it was some time, as I have +said, before I discovered the trick) what charges against me. + +But clever Mrs. Barry found out that always before my lady-wife +chose to write letters to her milliner, she had need of lemons to +make her drink, as she said; this fact, being mentioned to me, set +me a-thinking, and so I tried one of the letters before the fire, +and the whole scheme of villainy was brought to light. I will give a +specimen of one of the horrid artful letters of this unhappy woman. +In a great hand, with wide lines, were written a set of directions +to her mantua-maker, setting forth the articles of dress for which +my Lady had need, the peculiarity of their make, the stuff she +selected, &c. She would make out long lists in this way, writing +each article in a separate line, so as to have more space for +detailing all my cruelties and her tremendous wrongs. Between these +lines she kept the journal of her captivity: it would have made the +fortune of a romance-writer in those days but to have got a copy of +it, and to have published it under the title of the 'Lovely +Prisoner, or the Savage Husband,' or by some name equally taking and +absurd. The journal would be as follows:-- + +. . . . . . . + +'MONDAY.--Yesterday I was made to go to church. My odious, +MONSTROUS, VULGAR SHE-DRAGON OF A MOTHER-IN-LAW, in a yellow satin +and red ribands, taking the first place in the coach; Mr. L. riding +by its side, on the horse he never paid for to Captain Hurdlestone. +The wicked hypocrite led me to the pew, with hat in hand and a +smiling countenance, and kissed my hand as I entered the coach after +service, and patted my Italian greyhound--all that the few people +collected might see. He made me come downstairs in the evening to +make tea for his company; of whom three-fourths, he himself +included, were, as usual, drunk. They painted the parson's face +black, when his reverence had arrived at his seventh bottle; and at +his usual insensible stage, they tied him on the grey mare with his +face to the tail. The she-dragon read the "Whole Duty of Man" all +the evening till bedtime; when she saw me to my apartments, locked +me in, and proceeded to wait upon her abominable son: whom she +adores for his wickedness, I should think, AS STYCORAX DID CALIBAN.' + +. . . . . . . + +You should have seen my mother's fury as I read her out this +passage! Indeed, I have always had a taste for a joke (that +practised on the parson, as described above, is, I confess, a true +bill), and used carefully to select for Mrs. Barry's hearing all the +COMPLIMENTS that Lady Lyndon passed upon her. The dragon was the +name by which she was known in this precious correspondence: or +sometimes she was designated by the title of the 'Irish Witch.' As +for me, I was denominated 'my gaoler,' 'my tyrant,' 'the dark spirit +which has obtained the mastery over my being,' and so on; in terms +always complimentary to my power, however little they might be so to +my amiability. Here is another extract from her 'Prison Diary,' by +which it will be seen that my Lady, although she pretended to be so +indifferent to my goings on, had a sharp woman's eye, and could be +as jealous as another:-- + +. . . . . . . + +'WEDNESDAY.--This day two years my last hope and pleasure in life +was taken from me, and my dear child was called to heaven. Has he +joined his neglected brother there, whom I suffered to grow up +unheeded by my side: and whom the tyranny of the monster to whom I +am united drove to exile, and perhaps to death? Or is the child +alive, as my fond heart sometimes deems? Charles Bullingdon! come to +the aid of a wretched mother, who acknowledges her crimes, her +coldness towards thee, and now bitterly pays for her error! But no, +he cannot live! I am distracted! My only hope is in you, my cousin-- +you whom I had once thought to salute by a STILL FONDER TITLE, my +dear George Poynings! Oh, be my knight and my preserver, the true +chivalric being thou ever wert, and rescue me from the thrall of the +felon caitiff who holds me captive--rescue me from him, and from +Stycorax, the vile Irish witch, his mother!' + +(Here follow some verses, such as her Ladyship was in the habit of +composing by reams, in which she compares herself to Sabra, in the +'Seven Champions,' and beseeches her George to rescue her from THE +DRAGON, meaning Mrs. Barry. I omit the lines, and proceed:)-- + +'Even my poor child, who perished untimely on this sad anniversary, +the tyrant who governs me had taught to despise and dislike me. +'Twas in disobedience to my orders, my prayers, that he went on the +fatal journey. What sufferings, what humiliations have I had to +endure since then! I am a prisoner in my own halls. I should fear +poison, but that I know the wretch has a sordid interest in keeping +me alive, and that my death would be the signal for his ruin. But I +dare not stir without my odious, hideous, vulgar gaoler, the horrid +Irishwoman, who pursues my every step. I am locked into my chamber +at night, like a felon, and only suffered to leave it when ORDERED +into the presence of my lord (_I_ ordered!), to be present at his +orgies with his boon companions, and to hear his odious converse as +he lapses into the disgusting madness of intoxication! He has given +up even the semblance of constancy--he, who swore that I alone could +attach or charm him! And now he brings his vulgar mistresses before +my very eyes, and would have had me acknowledge, as heir to my own +property, his child by another! + +'No, I never will submit! Thou, and thou only, my George, my early +friend, shalt be heir to the estates of Lyndon. Why did not Fate +join me to thee, instead of to the odious man who holds me under his +sway, and make the poor Calista happy?' + +. . . . . . . + +So the letters would run on for sheets upon sheets, in the closest +cramped handwriting; and I leave any unprejudiced reader to say +whether the writer of such documents must not have been as silly and +vain a creature as ever lived, and whether she did not want being +taken care of? I could copy out yards of rhapsody to Lord George +Poynings, her old flame, in which she addressed him by the most +affectionate names, and implored him to find a refuge for her +against her oppressors; but they would fatigue the reader to peruse, +as they would me to copy. The fact is, that this unlucky lady had +the knack of writing a great deal more than she meant. She was +always reading novels and trash; putting herself into imaginary +characters and flying off into heroics and sentimentalities with as +little heart as any woman I ever knew; yet showing the most violent +disposition to be in love. She wrote always as if she was in a flame +of passion. I have an elegy on her lap-dog, the most tender and +pathetic piece she ever wrote; and most tender notes of remonstrance +to Betty, her favourite maid; to her housekeeper, on quarrelling +with her; to half-a-dozen acquaintances, each of whom she addressed +as the dearest friend in the world, and forgot the very moment she +took up another fancy. As for her love for her children, the above +passage will show how much she was capable of true maternal feeling: +the very sentence in which she records the death of one child serves +to betray her egotisms, and to wreak her spleen against myself; and +she only wishes to recall another from the grave, in order that he +may be of some personal advantage to her. If I DID deal severely +with this woman, keeping her from her flatterers who would have bred +discord between us, and locking her up out of mischief, who shall +say that I was wrong? If any woman deserved a strait-waistcoat,--it +was my Lady Lyndon; and I have known people in my time manacled, and +with their heads shaved, in the straw, who had not committed half +the follies of that foolish, vain, infatuated creature. + +My mother was so enraged by the charges against me and herself which +these letters contained, that it was with the utmost difficulty I +could keep her from discovering our knowledge of them to Lady +Lyndon; whom it was, of course, my object to keep in ignorance of +our knowledge of her designs: for I was anxious to know how far they +went, and to what pitch of artifice she would go. The letters +increased in interest (as they say of the novels) as they proceeded. +Pictures were drawn of my treatment of her which would make your +heart throb. I don't know of what monstrosities she did not accuse +me, and what miseries and starvation she did not profess herself to +undergo; all the while she was living exceedingly fat and contented, +to outward appearances, at our house at Castle Lyndon. Novel-reading +and vanity had turned her brain. I could not say a rough word to her +(and she merited many thousands a day, I can tell you), but she +declared I was putting her to the torture; and my mother could not +remonstrate with her but she went off into a fit of hysterics, of +which she would declare the worthy old lady was the cause. + +At last she began to threaten to kill herself; and though I by no +means kept the cutlery out of the way, did not stint her in garters, +and left her doctor's shop at her entire service,--knowing her +character full well, and that there was no woman in Christendom less +likely to lay hands on her precious life than herself; yet these +threats had an effect, evidently, in the quarter to which they were +addressed; for the milliner's packets now began to arrive with great +frequency, and the bills sent to her contained assurances of coming +aid. The chivalrous Lord George Poynings was coming to his cousin's +rescue, and did me the compliment to say that he hoped to free his +dear cousin from the clutches of the most atrocious villain that +ever disgraced humanity; and that, when she was free, measures +should be taken for a divorce, on the ground of cruelty and every +species of ill-usage on my part. + +I had copies of all these precious documents on one side and the +other carefully made, by my beforementioned relative, godson, and +secretary, Mr. Redmond Quin at present the WORTHY agent of the +Castle Lyndon property. This was a son of my old flame Nora, whom I +had taken from her in a fit of generosity; promising to care for his +education at Trinity College, and provide for him through life. But +after the lad had been for a year at the University, the tutors +would not admit him to commons or lectures until his college bills +were paid; and, offended by this insolent manner of demanding the +paltry sum due, I withdrew my patronage from the place, and ordered +my gentleman to Castle Lyndon; where I made him useful to me in a +hundred ways. In my dear little boy's lifetime, he tutored the poor +child as far as his high spirit would let him; but I promise you it +was small trouble poor dear Bryan ever gave the books. Then he kept +Mrs. Barry's accounts; copied my own interminable correspondence +with my lawyers and the agents of all my various property; took a +hand at piquet or backgammon of evenings with me and my mother; or, +being an ingenious lad enough (though of a mean boorish spirit, as +became the son of such a father), accompanied my Lady Lyndon's +spinet with his flageolet; or read French and Italian with her: in +both of which languages her Ladyship was a fine scholar, and with +which he also became conversant. It would make my watchful old +mother very angry to hear them conversing in these languages; for, +not understanding a word of either of them, Mrs. Barry was furious +when they were spoken, and always said it was some scheming they +were after. It was Lady Lyndon's constant way of annoying the old +lady, when the three were alone together, to address Quin in one or +other of these tongues. + +I was perfectly at ease with regard to his fidelity, for I had bred +the lad, and loaded him with benefits; and, besides, had had various +proofs of his trustworthiness. He it was who brought me three of +Lord George's letters, in reply to some of my Lady's complaints; +which were concealed between the leather and the boards of a book +which was sent from the circulating library for her Ladyship's +perusal. He and my Lady too had frequent quarrels. She mimicked his +gait in her pleasanter moments; in her haughty moods, she would not +sit down to table with a tailor's grandson. 'Send me anything for +company but that odious Quin,' she would say, when I proposed that +he should go and amuse her with his books and his flute; for, +quarrelsome as we were, it must not be supposed we were always at +it: I was occasionally attentive to her. We would be friends for a +month together, sometimes; then we would quarrel for a fortnight; +then she would keep her apartments for a month: all of which +domestic circumstances were noted down, in her Ladyship's peculiar +way, in her journal of captivity, as she called it; and a pretty +document it is! Sometimes she writes, 'My monster has been almost +kind to-day;' or, 'My ruffian has deigned to smile.' Then she will +break out into expressions of savage hate; but for my poor mother it +was ALWAYS hatred. It was, 'The she-dragon is sick to-day; I wish to +Heaven she would die!' or, 'The hideous old Irish basketwoman has +been treating me to some of her Billingsgate to-day,' and so forth: +all which expressions, read to Mrs. Barry, or translated from the +French and Italian, in which many of them were written, did not fail +to keep the old lady in a perpetual fury against her charge: and so +I had my watch-dog, as I called her, always on the alert. In +translating these languages, young Quin was of great service to me; +for I had a smattering of French--and High Dutch, when I was in the +army, of course, I knew well--but Italian I knew nothing of, and was +glad of the services of so faithful and cheap an interpreter. + +This cheap and faithful interpreter, this godson and kinsman, on +whom and on whose family I had piled up benefits, was actually +trying to betray me; and for several months, at least, was in league +with the enemy against me. I believe that the reason why they did +not move earlier was the want of the great mover of all treasons-- +money: of which, in all parts of my establishment, there was a woful +scarcity; but of this they also managed to get a supply through my +rascal of a godson, who could come and go quite unsuspected: the +whole scheme was arranged under our very noses, and the post-chaise +ordered, and the means of escape actually got ready; while I never +suspected their design. + +A mere accident made me acquainted with their plan. One of my +colliers had a pretty daughter; and this pretty lass had for her +bachelor, as they call them in Ireland, a certain lad, who brought +the letter-bag for Castle Lyndon (and many a dunning letter for me +was there in it, God wot!): this letter-boy told his sweetheart how +he brought a bag of money from the town for Master Quin; and how +that Tim the post-boy had told him that he was to bring a chaise +down to the water at a certain hour. Miss Rooney, who had no secrets +from me, blurted out the whole story; asked me what scheming I was +after, and what poor unlucky girl I was going to carry away with the +chaise I had ordered, and bribe with the money I had got from town? + +Then the whole secret flashed upon me, that the man I had cherished +in my bosom was going to betray me. I thought at one time of +catching the couple in the act of escape, half drowning them in the +ferry which they had to cross to get to their chaise, and of +pistolling the young traitor before Lady Lyndon's eyes; but, on +second thoughts, it was quite clear that the news of the escape +would make a noise through the country, and rouse the confounded +justice's people about my ears, and bring me no good in the end. So +I was obliged to smother my just indignation, and to content myself +by crushing the foul conspiracy, just at the moment it was about to +be hatched. + +I went home, and in half-an-hour, and with a few of my terrible +looks, I had Lady Lyndon on her knees, begging me to forgive her; +confessing all and everything; ready to vow and swear she would +never make such an attempt again; and declaring that she was fifty +times on the point of owning everything to me, but that she feared +my wrath against the poor young lad her accomplice: who was indeed +the author and inventor of all the mischief. This--though I knew how +entirely false the statement was--I was fain to pretend to believe; +so I begged her to write to her cousin, Lord George, who had +supplied her with money, as she admitted, and with whom the plan had +been arranged, stating, briefly, that she had altered her mind as to +the trip to the country proposed; and that, as her dear husband was +rather in delicate health, she preferred to stay at home and nurse +him. I added a dry postscript, in which I stated that it would give +me great pleasure if his Lordship would come and visit us at Castle +Lyndon, and that I longed to renew an acquaintance which in former +times gave me so much satisfaction. 'I should seek him out,' I +added, 'so soon as ever I was in his neighbourhood, and eagerly +anticipated the pleasure of a meeting with him.' I think he must +have understood my meaning perfectly well; which was, that I would +run him through the body on the very first occasion I could come at +him. + +Then I had a scene with my perfidious rascal of a nephew; in which +the young reprobate showed an audacity and a spirit for which I was +quite unprepared. When I taxed him with ingratitude, 'What do I owe +you?' said he. 'I have toiled for you as no man ever did for +another, and worked without a penny of wages. It was you yourself +who set me against you, by giving me a task against which my soul +revolted,--by making me a spy over your unfortunate wife, whose +weakness is as pitiable as are her misfortunes and your rascally +treatment of her. Flesh and blood could not bear to see the manner +in which you used her. I tried to help her to escape from you; and I +would do it again, if the opportunity offered, and so I tell you to +your teeth!' When I offered to blow his brains out for his +insolence, 'Pooh!' said he,--'kill the man who saved your poor boy's +life once, and who was endeavouring to keep him out of the ruin and +perdition into which a wicked father was leading him, when a +Merciful Power interposed, and withdrew him from this house of +crime? I would have left you months ago, but I hoped for some chance +of rescuing this unhappy lady. I swore I would try, the day I saw +you strike her. Kill me, you woman's bully! You would if you dared; +but you have not the heart. Your very servants like me better than +you. Touch me, and they will rise and send you to the gallows you +merit!' + +I interrupted this neat speech by sending a water-bottle at the +young gentleman's head, which felled him to the ground; and then I +went to meditate upon what he had said to me. It was true the fellow +had saved poor little Bryan's life, and the boy to his dying day was +tenderly attached to him. 'Be good to Redmond, papa,' were almost +the last words he spoke; and I promised the poor child, on his +death-bed, that I would do as he asked. It was also true, that rough +usage of him would be little liked by my people, with whom he had +managed to become a great favourite: for, somehow, though I got +drunk with the rascals often, and was much more familiar with them +than a man of my rank commonly is, yet I knew I was by no means +liked by them; and the scoundrels were murmuring against me +perpetually. + +But I might have spared myself the trouble of debating what his fate +should be, for the young gentleman took the disposal of it out of my +hands in the simplest way in the world: viz. by washing and binding +up his head so soon as he came to himself: by taking his horse from +the stables; and, as he was quite free to go in and out of the house +and park as he liked, he disappeared without the least let or +hindrance; and leaving the horse behind him at the ferry, went off +in the very post-chaise which was waiting for Lady Lyndon. I saw and +heard no more of him for a considerable time; and now that he was +out of the house, did not consider him a very troublesome enemy. + +But the cunning artifice of woman is such that, I think, in the long +run, no man, were he Machiavel himself, could escape from it; and +though I had ample proofs in the above transaction (in which my +wife's perfidious designs were frustrated by my foresight), and +under her own handwriting, of the deceitfulness of her character and +her hatred for me, yet she actually managed to deceive me, in spite +of all my precautions and the vigilance of my mother in my behalf. +Had I followed that good lady's advice, who scented the danger from +afar off, as it were, I should never have fallen into the snare +prepared for me; and which was laid in a way that was as successful +as it was simple. + +My Lady Lyndon's relation with me was a singular one. Her life was +passed in a crack-brained sort of alternation between love and +hatred for me. If I was in a good-humour with her (as occurred +sometimes) there was nothing she would not do to propitiate me +further; and she would be as absurd and violent in her expressions +of fondness as, at other moments, she would be in her demonstrations +of hatred. It is not your feeble easy husbands who are loved best in +the world; according to my experience of it. I do think the women +like a little violence of temper, and think no worse of a husband +who exercises his authority pretty smartly. I had got my Lady into +such a terror about me, that when I smiled, it was quite an era of +happiness to her; and if I beckoned to her, she would come fawning +up to me like a dog. I recollect how, for the few days I was at +school, the cowardly mean-spirited fellows would laugh if ever our +schoolmaster made a joke. It was the same in the regiment whenever +the bully of a sergeant was disposed to be jocular--not a recruit +but was on the broad grin. Well, a wise and determined husband will +get his wife into this condition of discipline; and I brought my +high-born wife to kiss my hand, to pull off my boots, to fetch and +carry for me like a servant, and always to make it a holiday, too, +when I was in good-humour. I confided perhaps too much in the +duration of this disciplined obedience, and forgot that the very +hypocrisy which forms a part of it (all timid people are liars in +their hearts) may be exerted in a way that may be far from +agreeable, in order to deceive you. + +After the ill-success of her last adventure, which gave me endless +opportunities to banter her, one would have thought I might have +been on my guard as to what her real intentions were; but she +managed to mislead me with an art of dissimulation quite admirable, +and lulled me into a fatal security with regard to her intentions: +for, one day, as I was joking her, and asking her whether she would +take the water again, whether she had found another lover, and so +forth, she suddenly burst into tears, and, seizing hold of my hand, +cried passionately out,-- + +'Ah, Barry, you know well enough that I have never loved but you! +Was I ever so wretched that a kind word from you did not make me +happy! ever so angry, but the least offer of goodwill on your part +did not bring me to your side? Did I not give a sufficient proof of +my affection for you, in bestowing one of the first fortunes in +England upon you? Have I repined or rebuked you for the way you have +wasted it? No, I loved you too much and too fondly; I have always +loved you. From the first moment I saw you, I felt irresistibly +attracted towards you. I saw your bad qualities, and trembled at +your violence; but I could not help loving you. I married you, +though I knew I was sealing my own fate in doing so; and in spite of +reason and duty. What sacrifice do you want from me? I am ready to +make any, so you will but love me; or, if not, that at least you +will gently use me.' + +I was in a particularly good humour that day, and we had a sort of +reconciliation: though my mother, when she heard the speech, and saw +me softening towards her Ladyship, warned me solemnly, and said, +'Depend on it, the artful hussy has some other scheme in her head +now.' The old lady was right; and I swallowed the bait which her +Ladyship had prepared to entrap me as simply as any gudgeon takes a +hook. + +I had been trying to negotiate with a man for some money, for which +I had pressing occasion; but since our dispute regarding the affair +of the succession, my Lady had resolutely refused to sign any papers +for my advantage: and without her name, I am sorry to say, my own +was of little value in the market, and I could not get a guinea from +any money-dealer in London or Dublin. Nor could I get the rascals +from the latter place to visit me at Castle Lyndon: owing to that +unlucky affair I had with Lawyer Sharp when I made him lend me the +money he brought down, and old Salmon the Jew being robbed of the +bond I gave him after leaving my house, [Footnote: These exploits of +Mr. Lyndon are not related in the narrative. He probably, in the +cases above alluded to, took the law into his own hands.] the people +would not trust themselves within my walls any more. Our rents, too, +were in the hands of receivers by this time, and it was as much as I +could do to get enough money from the rascals to pay my wine- +merchants their bills. Our English property, as I have said, was +equally hampered; and, as often as I applied to my lawyers and +agents for money, would come a reply demanding money of me, for +debts and pretended claims which the rapacious rascals said they had +on me. + +It was, then, with some feelings of pleasure that I got a letter +from my confidential man in Gray's Inn, London, saying (in reply to +some ninety-ninth demand of mine) that he thought he could get me +some money; and inclosing a letter from a respectable firm in the +city of London, connected with the mining interest, which offered to +redeem the incumbrance in taking a long lease of certain property of +ours, which was still pretty free, upon the Countess's signature; +and provided they could be assured of her free will in giving it. +They said they heard she lived in terror of her life from me, and +meditated a separation, in which case she might repudiate any deeds +signed by her while in durance, and subject them, at any rate, to a +doubtful and expensive litigation; and demanded to be made assured +of her Ladyship's perfect free will in the transaction before they +advanced a shilling of their capital. + +Their terms were so exorbitant, that I saw at once their offer must +be sincere; and, as my Lady was in her gracious mood, had no +difficulty in persuading her to write a letter, in her own hand, +declaring that the accounts of our misunderstandings were utter +calumnies; that we lived in perfect union, and that she was quite +ready to execute any deed which her husband might desire her to +sign. + +This proposal was a very timely one, and filled me with great hopes. +I have not pestered my readers with many accounts of my debts and +law affairs; which were by this time so vast and complicated that I +never thoroughly knew them myself, and was rendered half wild by +their urgency. Suffice it to say, my money was gone--my credit was +done. I was living at Castle Lyndon off my own beef and mutton, and +the bread, turf, and potatoes off my own estate: I had to watch Lady +Lyndon within, and the bailiffs without. For the last two years, +since I went to Dublin to receive money (which I unluckily lost at +play there, to the disappointment of my creditors), I did not +venture to show in that city: and could only appear at our own +county town at rare intervals, and because I knew the sheriffs: whom +I swore I would murder if any ill chance happened to me. A chance of +a good loan, then, was the most welcome prospect possible to me, and +I hailed it with all the eagerness imaginable. + +In reply to Lady Lyndon's letter, came, in course of time, an answer +from the confounded London merchants, stating that if her Ladyship +would confirm by word of mouth, at their counting-house in Birchin +Lane, London, the statement of her letter, they, having surveyed her +property, would no doubt come to terms; but they declined incurring +the risk of a visit to Castle Lyndon to negotiate, as they were +aware how other respectable parties, such as Messrs. Sharp and +Salmon of Dublin, had been treated there. This was a hit at me; but +there are certain situations in which people can't dictate their own +terms: and, 'faith, I was so pressed now for money, that I could +have signed a bond with Old Nick himself, if he had come provided +with a good round sum. + +I resolved to go and take the Countess to London. It was in vain +that my mother prayed and warned me. 'Depend on it,' says she, +'there is some artifice. When once you get into that wicked town, +you are not safe. Here you may live for years and years, in luxury +and splendour, barring claret and all the windows broken; but as +soon as they have you in London, they'll get the better of my poor +innocent lad; and the first thing I shall hear of you will be, that +you are in trouble.' + +'Why go, Redmond?' said my wife. 'I am happy here, as long as you +are kind to me, as you are now. We can't appear in London as we +ought; the little money you will get will be spent, like all the +rest has been. Let us turn shepherd and shepherdess, and look to our +flocks and be content.' And she took my hand and kissed it; while my +mother only said, 'Humph! I believe she's at the bottom of it--the +wicked SCHAMER!' + +I told my wife she was a fool; bade Mrs. Barry not be uneasy, and +was hot upon going: I would take no denial from either party. How I +was to get the money to go was the question; but that was solved by +my good mother, who was always ready to help me on a pinch, and who +produced sixty guineas from a stocking. This was all the ready money +that Barry Lyndon, of Castle Lyndon, and married to a fortune of +forty thousand a year, could command: such had been the havoc made +in this fine fortune by my own extravagance (as I must confess), but +chiefly by my misplaced confidence and the rascality of others. + +We did not start in state, you may be sure. We did not let the +country know we were going, or leave notice of adieu with our +neighbours. The famous Mr. Barry Lyndon and his noble wife travelled +in a hack-chaise and pair to Waterford, under the name of Mr. and +Mrs. Jones, and thence took shipping for Bristol, where we arrived +quite without accident. When a man is going to the deuce, how easy +and pleasant the journey is! The thought of the money quite put me +in a good humour, and my wife, as she lay on my shoulder in the +post-chaise going to London, said it was the happiest ride she had +taken since our marriage. + +One night we stayed at Reading, whence I despatched a note to my +agent at Gray's Inn, saying I would be with him during the day, and +begging him to procure me a lodging, and to hasten the preparations +for the loan. My Lady and I agreed that we would go to France, and +wait there for better times; and that night, over our supper, formed +a score of plans both for pleasure and retrenchment. You would have +thought it was Darby and Joan together over their supper. O woman! +woman! when I recollect Lady Lyndon's smiles and blandishments--how +happy she seemed to be on that night! what an air of innocent +confidence appeared in her behaviour, and what affectionate names +she called me!--I am lost in wonder at the depth of her hypocrisy. +Who can be surprised that an unsuspecting person like myself should +have been a victim to such a consummate deceiver! + +We were in London at three o'clock, and half-an-hour before the time +appointed our chaise drove to Gray's Inn. I easily found out Mr. +Tapewell's apartments--a gloomy den it was, and in an unlucky hour I +entered it! As we went up the dirty back-stair, lighted by a feeble +lamp and the dim sky of a dismal London afternoon, my wife seemed +agitated and faint. + +'Redmond,' said she, as we got up to the door, 'don't go in: I am +sure there is danger. There's time yet; let us go back--to Ireland-- +anywhere!' And she put herself before the door, in one of her +theatrical attitudes, and took my hand. + +I just pushed her away to one side. 'Lady Lyndon,' said I, 'you are +an old fool!' + +'Old fool!' said she; and she jumped at the bell, which was quickly +answered by a mouldy-looking gentleman in an unpowdered wig, to whom +she cried, 'Say Lady Lyndon is here;' and stalked down the passage +muttering 'Old fool.' It was 'OLD' which was the epithet that +touched her. I might call her anything but that. + +Mr. Tapewell was in his musty room, surrounded by his parchments and +tin boxes. He advanced and bowed; begged her Ladyship to be seated; +pointed towards a chair for me, which I took, rather wondering at +his insolence; and then retreated to a side-door, saying he would be +back in one moment. + +And back he DID come in one moment, bringing with him--whom do you +think? Another lawyer, six constables in red waistcoats with +bludgeons and pistols, my Lord George Poynings, and his aunt Lady +Jane Peckover. + +When my Lady Lyndon saw her old flame, she flung herself into his +arms in an hysterical passion. She called him her saviour, her +preserver, her gallant knight; and then, turning round to me, poured +out a flood of invective which quite astonished me. + +'Old fool as I am,' said she, 'I have outwitted the most crafty and +treacherous monster under the sun. Yes, I WAS a fool when I married +you, and gave up other and nobler hearts for your sake--yes, I was a +fool when I forgot my name and lineage to unite myself with a base- +born adventurer--a fool to bear, without repining, the most +monstrous tyranny that ever woman suffered; to allow my property to +be squandered; to see women, as base and low-born as yourself'-- + +'For Heaven's sake, be calm!' cries the lawyer; and then bounded +back behind the constables, seeing a threatening look in my eye +which the rascal did not like. Indeed. I could have torn him to +pieces, had he come near me. Meanwhile, my Lady continued in a +strain of incoherent fury; screaming against me, and against my +mother especially, upon whom she heaped abuse worthy of +Billingsgate, and always beginning and ending the sentence with the +word fool. + +'You don't tell all, my Lady,' says I bitterly; 'I said OLD fool.' + +'I have no doubt you said and did, sir, everything that a blackguard +could say or do,' interposed little Poynings. 'This lady is now safe +under the protection of her relations and the law, and need fear +your infamous persecutions no longer.' + +'But YOU are not safe,' roared I; 'and, as sure as I am a man of +honour, and have tasted your blood once, I will have your heart's +blood now.' + +'Take down his words, constables: swear the peace against him!' +screamed the little lawyer, from behind his tipstaffs. + +'I would not sully my sword with the blood of such a ruffian,' cried +my Lord, relying on the same doughty protection. 'If the scoundrel +remains in London another day, he will be seized as a common +swindler.' And this threat indeed made me wince; for I knew that +there were scores of writs out against me in town, and that once in +prison my case was hopeless. + +'Where's the man will seize me!' shouted I, drawing my sword, and +placing my back to the door. 'Let the scoundrel come. You--you +cowardly braggart, come first, if you have the soul of a man!' + +'We're not going to seize you!' said the lawyer; my Ladyship, her +aunt, and a division of the bailiffs moving off as he spoke. 'My +dear sir, we don't wish to seize you: we will give you a handsome +sum to leave the country; only leave her Ladyship in peace!' + +'And the country will be well rid of such a villain!' says my Lord, +retreating too, and not sorry to get out of my reach: and the +scoundrel of a lawyer followed him, leaving me in possession of the +apartment, and in company of the bullies from the police-office, who +were all armed to the teeth. I was no longer the man I was at +twenty, when I should have charged the ruffians sword in hand, and +have sent at least one of them to his account. I was broken in +spirit; regularly caught in the toils: utterly baffled and beaten by +that woman. Was she relenting at the door, when she paused and +begged me turn back? Had she not a lingering love for me still? Her +conduct showed it, as I came to reflect on it. It was my only chance +now left in the world, so I put down my sword upon the lawyer's +desk. + +'Gentlemen,' said I, 'I shall use no violence; you may tell Mr. +Tapewell I am quite ready to speak with him when he is at leisure!' +and I sat down and folded my arms quite peaceably. What a change +from the Barry Lyndon of old days! but, as I have read in an old +book about Hannibal the Carthaginian general, when he invaded the +Romans, his troops, which were the most gallant in the world, and +carried all before them, went into cantonments in some city where +they were so sated with the luxuries and pleasures of life, that +they were easily beaten in the next campaign. It was so with me now. +My strength of mind and body were no longer those of the brave youth +who shot his man at fifteen, and fought a score of battles within +six years afterwards. Now, in the Fleet Prison, where I write this, +there is a small man who is always jeering me and making game of me; +who asks me to fight, and I haven't the courage to touch him. But I +am anticipating the gloomy and wretched events of my history of +humiliation, and had better proceed in order. + +I took a lodging in a coffee-house near Gray's Inn; taking care to +inform Mr. Tapewell of my whereabouts, and anxiously expecting a +visit from him. He came and brought me the terms which Lady Lyndon's +friends proposed-a paltry annuity of L300 a year; to be paid on the +condition of my remaining abroad out of the three kingdoms, and to +be stopped on the instant of my return. He told me what I very well +knew, that my stay in London would infallibly plunge me in gaol; +that there were writs innumerable taken out against me here, and in +the West of England; that my credit was so blown upon that I could +not hope to raise a shilling; and he left me a night to consider of +his proposal; saying that, if I refused it, the family would +proceed: if I acceded, a quarter's salary should be paid to me at +any foreign port I should prefer. + +What was the poor, lonely, and broken-hearted man to do? I took the +annuity, and was declared outlaw in the course of next week. The +rascal Quin had, I found, been, after all, the cause of my undoing. +It was he devised the scheme for bringing me up to London; sealing +the attorney's letter with a seal which had been agreed upon between +him and the Countess formerly: indeed he had always been for trying +the plan, and had proposed it at first; but her Ladyship, with her +inordinate love of romance, preferred the project of elopement. Of +these points my mother wrote me word in my lonely exile, offering at +the same time to come over and share it with me; which proposal I +declined. She left Castle Lyndon a very short time after I had +quitted it; and there was silence in that hall where, under my +authority, had been exhibited so much hospitality and splendour. She +thought she would never see me again, and bitterly reproached me for +neglecting her; but she was mistaken in that, and in her estimate of +me. She is very old, and is sitting by my side at this moment in the +prison, working: she has a bedroom in Fleet Market over the way; +and, with the fifty-pound annuity, which she has kept with a wise +prudence, we manage to eke out a miserable existence, quite unworthy +of the famous and fashionable Barry Lyndon. + + Mr. Barry Lyndon's personal narrative finishes here, for the hand +of death interrupted the ingenious author soon after the period at +which the Memoir was compiled; after he had lived nineteen years an +inmate of the Fleet Prison, where the prison records state he died +of delirium tremens. His mother attained a prodigious old age, and +the inhabitants of the place in her time can record with accuracy +the daily disputes which used to take place between mother and son; +until the latter, from habits of intoxication, falling into a state +of almost imbecility, was tended by his tough old parent as a baby +almost, and would cry if deprived of his necessary glass of brandy. + +His life on the Continent we have not the means of following +accurately; but he appears to have resumed his former profession of +a gambler, without his former success. + +He returned secretly to England, after some time, and made an +abortive attempt to extort money from Lord George Poynings, under a +threat of publishing his correspondence with Lady Lyndon, and so +preventing his Lordship's match with Miss Driver, a great heiress, +of strict principles, and immense property in slaves in the West +Indies. Barry narrowly escaped being taken prisoner by the bailiffs +who were despatched after him by his lordship, who would have +stopped his pension; but Lady Lyndon would never consent to that act +of justice, and, indeed, broke with my Lord George the very moment +he married the West India lady. + +The fact is, the old Countess thought her charms were perennial, and +was never out of love with her husband. She was living at Bath; her +property being carefully nursed by her noble relatives the Tiptoffs, +who were to succeed to it in default of direct heirs: and such was +the address of Barry, and the sway he still held over the woman, +that he actually had almost persuaded her to go and live with him +again; when his plan and hers was interrupted by the appearance of a +person who had been deemed dead for several years. + +This was no other than Viscount Bullingdon, who started up to the +surprise of all; and especially to that of his kinsman of the house +of Tiptoff. This young nobleman made his appearance at Bath, with +the letter from Barry to Lord George in his hand; in which the +former threatened to expose his connection with Lady Lyndon--a +connection, we need not state, which did not reflect the slightest +dishonour upon either party, and only showed that her Ladyship was +in the habit of writing exceedingly foolish letters; as many ladies, +nay gentlemen, have done ere this. For calling the honour of his +mother in question, Lord Bullingdon assaulted his stepfather (living +at Bath under the name of Mr. Jones), and administered to him a +tremendous castigation in the Pump-Room. + +His Lordship's history, since his departure, was a romantic one, +which we do not feel bound to narrate. He had been wounded in the +American War, reported dead, left prisoner, and escaped. The +remittances which were promised him were never sent; the thought of +the neglect almost broke the heart of the wild and romantic young +man, and he determined to remain dead to the world at least, and to +the mother who had denied him. It was in the woods of Canada, and +three years after the event had occurred, that he saw the death of +his half-brother chronicled in the Gentleman's Magazine, under the +title of 'Fatal Accident to Lord Viscount Castle Lyndon;' on which +he determined to return to England: where, though he made himself +known, it was with very great difficulty indeed that he satisfied +Lord Tiptoff of the authenticity of his claim. He was about to pay a +visit to his lady mother at Bath, when he recognised the well-known +face of Mr. Barry Lyndon, in spite of the modest disguise which that +gentleman wore, and revenged upon his person the insults of former +days. + +Lady Lyndon was furious when she heard of the rencounter; declined +to see her son, and was for rushing at once to the arms of her +adored Barry; but that gentleman had been carried off, meanwhile, +from gaol to gaol, until he was lodged in the hands of Mr. Bendigo, +of Chancery Lane, an assistant to the Sheriff of Middlesex; from +whose house he went to the Fleet Prison. The Sheriff and his +assistant, the prisoner, nay, the prison itself, are now no more. + +As long as Lady Lyndon lived, Barry enjoyed his income, and was +perhaps as happy in prison as at any period of his existence; when +her Ladyship died, her successor sternly cut off the annuity, +devoting the sum to charities: which, he said, would make a nobler +use of it than the scoundrel who had enjoyed it hitherto. At his +Lordship's death, in the Spanish campaign, in the year 1811, his +estate fell in to the family of the Tiptoffs, and his title merged +in their superior rank; but it does not appear that the Marquis of +Tiptoff (Lord George succeeded to the title on the demise of his +brother) renewed either the pension of Mr. Barry or the charities +which the late lord had endowed. The estate has vastly improved +under his Lordship's careful management. The trees in Hackton Park +are all about forty years old, and the Irish property is rented in +exceedingly small farms to the peasantry; who still entertain the +stranger with stories of the daring and the devilry, and the +wickedness and the fall of Barry Lyndon. + +THE END + + +The Project Gutenberg Etext of Barry Lyndon +by William Makepeace Thackeray +******This file should be named brryl10.txt or brryl10.zip****** + +Corrected EDITIONS of our etexts get a new NUMBER, brryl11.txt +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, brryl10a.txt + +Steve Harris, Charles Franks and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + +More information about this book is at the top of this file. + + +We are now trying to release all our etexts one year in advance +of the official release dates, leaving time for better editing. +Please be encouraged to tell us about any error or corrections, +even years after the official publication date. + +Please note neither this listing nor its contents are final til +midnight of the last day of the month of any such announcement. +The official release date of all Project Gutenberg Etexts is at +Midnight, Central Time, of the last day of the stated month. A +preliminary version may often be posted for suggestion, comment +and editing by those who wish to do so. + +Most people start at our Web sites at: +http://gutenberg.net or +http://promo.net/pg + +These Web sites include award-winning information about Project +Gutenberg, including how to donate, how to help produce our new +etexts, and how to subscribe to our email newsletter (free!). + + +Those of you who want to download any Etext before announcement +can get to them as follows, and just download by date. This is +also a good way to get them instantly upon announcement, as the +indexes our cataloguers produce obviously take a while after an +announcement goes out in the Project Gutenberg Newsletter. + +http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/etext03 or +ftp://ftp.ibiblio.org/pub/docs/books/gutenberg/etext03 + +Or /etext02, 01, 00, 99, 98, 97, 96, 95, 94, 93, 92, 92, 91 or 90 + +Just search by the first five letters of the filename you want, +as it appears in our Newsletters. + + +Information about Project Gutenberg (one page) + +We produce about two million dollars for each hour we work. The +time it takes us, a rather conservative estimate, is fifty hours +to get any eBook selected, entered, proofread, edited, copyright +searched and analyzed, the copyright letters written, etc. Our +projected audience is one hundred million readers. If the value +per text is nominally estimated at one dollar then we produce $2 +million dollars per hour in 2002 as we release over 100 new text +files per month: 1240 more eBooks in 2001 for a total of 4000+ +We are already on our way to trying for 2000 more eBooks in 2002 +If they reach just 1-2% of the world's population then the total +will reach over half a trillion eBooks given away by year's end. + +The Goal of Project Gutenberg is to Give Away 1 Trillion eBooks! +This is ten thousand titles each to one hundred million readers, +which is only about 4% of the present number of computer users. + +Here is the briefest record of our progress (* means estimated): + +eBooks Year Month + + 1 1971 July + 10 1991 January + 100 1994 January + 1000 1997 August + 1500 1998 October + 2000 1999 December + 2500 2000 December + 3000 2001 November + 4000 2001 October/November + 6000 2002 December* + 9000 2003 November* +10000 2004 January* + + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation has been created +to secure a future for Project Gutenberg into the next millennium. + +We need your donations more than ever! + +As of February, 2002, contributions are being solicited from people +and organizations in: Alabama, Alaska, Arkansas, Connecticut, +Delaware, District of Columbia, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Illinois, +Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Massachusetts, +Michigan, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, New +Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, Ohio, +Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South +Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, West +Virginia, Wisconsin, and Wyoming. + +We have filed in all 50 states now, but these are the only ones +that have responded. + +As the requirements for other states are met, additions to this list +will be made and fund raising will begin in the additional states. +Please feel free to ask to check the status of your state. + +In answer to various questions we have received on this: + +We are constantly working on finishing the paperwork to legally +request donations in all 50 states. If your state is not listed and +you would like to know if we have added it since the list you have, +just ask. + +While we cannot solicit donations from people in states where we are +not yet registered, we know of no prohibition against accepting +donations from donors in these states who approach us with an offer to +donate. + +The most recent list of states, along with all methods for donations +(including credit card donations and international donations), may be +found online at http://www.gutenberg.net/donation.html + +Donations by check or money order may be sent to: + +Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +PMB 113 +1739 University Ave. +Oxford, MS 38655-4109 + +Contact us if you want to arrange for a wire transfer or payment +method other than by check or money order. + + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation has been approved by +the US Internal Revenue Service as a 501(c)(3) organization with EIN +[Employee Identification Number] 64-622154. Donations are +tax-deductible to the maximum extent permitted by law. As fundraising +requirements for other states are met, additions to this list will be +made and fundraising will begin in the additional states. + +We need your donations more than ever! + +You can get up to date donation information at: + +http://www.gutenberg.net/donation.html + + +*** + +If you can't reach Project Gutenberg, +you can always email directly to: + +Michael S. Hart <hart@pobox.com> + +Prof. Hart will answer or forward your message. + +We would prefer to send you information by email. + + +**The Legal Small Print** + + +(Three Pages) + +***START**THE SMALL PRINT!**FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS**START*** +Why is this "Small Print!" statement here? You know: lawyers. +They tell us you might sue us if there is something wrong with +your copy of this etext, even if you got it for free from +someone other than us, and even if what's wrong is not our +fault. So, among other things, this "Small Print!" statement +disclaims most of our liability to you. It also tells you how +you may distribute copies of this etext if you want to. + +*BEFORE!* YOU USE OR READ THIS ETEXT +By using or reading any part of this PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm +etext, you indicate that you understand, agree to and accept +this "Small Print!" statement. If you do not, you can receive +a refund of the money (if any) you paid for this etext by +sending a request within 30 days of receiving it to the person +you got it from. If you received this etext on a physical +medium (such as a disk), you must return it with your request. + +ABOUT PROJECT GUTENBERG-TM ETEXTS +This PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm etext, like most PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm etexts, +is a "public domain" work distributed by Professor Michael S. Hart +through the Project Gutenberg Association (the "Project"). +Among other things, this means that no one owns a United States copyright +on or for this work, so the Project (and you!) can copy and +distribute it in the United States without permission and +without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, set forth +below, apply if you wish to copy and distribute this etext +under the "PROJECT GUTENBERG" trademark. + +Please do not use the "PROJECT GUTENBERG" trademark to market +any commercial products without permission. + +To create these etexts, the Project expends considerable +efforts to identify, transcribe and proofread public domain +works. Despite these efforts, the Project's etexts and any +medium they may be on may contain "Defects". Among other +things, Defects may take the form of incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other +intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged +disk or other etext medium, a computer virus, or computer +codes that damage or cannot be read by your equipment. + +LIMITED WARRANTY; DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES +But for the "Right of Replacement or Refund" described below, +[1] Michael Hart and the Foundation (and any other party you may +receive this etext from as a PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm etext) disclaims +all liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including +legal fees, and [2] YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE OR +UNDER STRICT LIABILITY, OR FOR BREACH OF WARRANTY OR CONTRACT, +INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE +OR INCIDENTAL DAMAGES, EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE +POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGES. + +If you discover a Defect in this etext within 90 days of +receiving it, you can receive a refund of the money (if any) +you paid for it by sending an explanatory note within that +time to the person you received it from. If you received it +on a physical medium, you must return it with your note, and +such person may choose to alternatively give you a replacement +copy. If you received it electronically, such person may +choose to alternatively give you a second opportunity to +receive it electronically. + +THIS ETEXT IS OTHERWISE PROVIDED TO YOU "AS-IS". NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, ARE MADE TO YOU AS +TO THE ETEXT OR ANY MEDIUM IT MAY BE ON, INCLUDING BUT NOT +LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR A +PARTICULAR PURPOSE. + +Some states do not allow disclaimers of implied warranties or +the exclusion or limitation of consequential damages, so the +above disclaimers and exclusions may not apply to you, and you +may have other legal rights. + +INDEMNITY +You will indemnify and hold Michael Hart, the Foundation, +and its trustees and agents, and any volunteers associated +with the production and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm +texts harmless, from all liability, cost and expense, including +legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of the +following that you do or cause: [1] distribution of this etext, +[2] alteration, modification, or addition to the etext, +or [3] any Defect. + +DISTRIBUTION UNDER "PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm" +You may distribute copies of this etext electronically, or by +disk, book or any other medium if you either delete this +"Small Print!" and all other references to Project Gutenberg, +or: + +[1] Only give exact copies of it. Among other things, this + requires that you do not remove, alter or modify the + etext or this "small print!" statement. You may however, + if you wish, distribute this etext in machine readable + binary, compressed, mark-up, or proprietary form, + including any form resulting from conversion by word + processing or hypertext software, but only so long as + *EITHER*: + + [*] The etext, when displayed, is clearly readable, and + does *not* contain characters other than those + intended by the author of the work, although tilde + (~), asterisk (*) and underline (_) characters may + be used to convey punctuation intended by the + author, and additional characters may be used to + indicate hypertext links; OR + + [*] The etext may be readily converted by the reader at + no expense into plain ASCII, EBCDIC or equivalent + form by the program that displays the etext (as is + the case, for instance, with most word processors); + OR + + [*] You provide, or agree to also provide on request at + no additional cost, fee or expense, a copy of the + etext in its original plain ASCII form (or in EBCDIC + or other equivalent proprietary form). + +[2] Honor the etext refund and replacement provisions of this + "Small Print!" statement. + +[3] Pay a trademark license fee to the Foundation of 20% of the + gross profits you derive calculated using the method you + already use to calculate your applicable taxes. If you + don't derive profits, no royalty is due. Royalties are + payable to "Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation" + the 60 days following each date you prepare (or were + legally required to prepare) your annual (or equivalent + periodic) tax return. Please contact us beforehand to + let us know your plans and to work out the details. + +WHAT IF YOU *WANT* TO SEND MONEY EVEN IF YOU DON'T HAVE TO? +Project Gutenberg is dedicated to increasing the number of +public domain and licensed works that can be freely distributed +in machine readable form. + +The Project gratefully accepts contributions of money, time, +public domain materials, or royalty free copyright licenses. +Money should be paid to the: +"Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +If you are interested in contributing scanning equipment or +software or other items, please contact Michael Hart at: +hart@pobox.com + +[Portions of this header are copyright (C) 2001 by Michael S. Hart +and may be reprinted only when these Etexts are free of all fees.] +[Project Gutenberg is a TradeMark and may not be used in any sales +of Project Gutenberg Etexts or other materials be they hardware or +software or any other related product without express permission.] + +*END THE SMALL PRINT! FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.10/04/01*END* + + + + +End of The Project Gutenberg Etext of Barry Lyndon +by William Makepeace Thackeray + diff --git a/old/brryl10.zip b/old/brryl10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6475713 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/brryl10.zip diff --git a/old/old-2024-12-10/4558-0.txt b/old/old-2024-12-10/4558-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9bfc255 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/old-2024-12-10/4558-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,12119 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Barry Lyndon, by William Makepeace Thackeray + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Barry Lyndon + +Author: William Makepeace Thackeray + +Release Date: October, 2003 [Etext #4558] +Posting Date: December 4, 2009 +Last Updated: September 27, 2016 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BARRY LYNDON *** + + + + +Produced by Steve Harris, Charles Franks and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + +BARRY LYNDON + +By William Makepeace Thackeray + + +From The Works Of William Makepeace Thackeray + + +Edited By Walter Jerrold + + + +CONTENTS + + BIBLIOGRAPHICAL NOTE + + I.--MY PEDIGREE AND FAMILY--UNDERGO THE INFLUENCE OF THE TENDER + PASSION + + II.--IN WHICH I SHOW MYSELF TO BE A MAN OF SPIRIT + + III.--I MAKE A FALSE START IN THE GENTEEL WORLD + + IV.--IN WHICH BARRY TAKES A NEAR VIEW OF MILITARY GLORY + + V.--IN WHICH BARRY TRIES TO REMOVE AS FAR FROM MILITARY GLORY AS + POSSIBLE + + VI.--THE CRIMP WAGGON--MILITARY EPISODES + + VII.--BARRY LEADS A GARRISON LIFE, AND FINDS MANY FRIENDS THERE + + VIII.--BARRY BIDS ADIEU TO THE MILITARY PROFESSION + + IX.--I APPEAR IN A MANNER BECOMING MY NAME AND LINEAGE + + X.--MORE RUNS OF LUCK + + XI.--IN WHICH THE LUCK GOES AGAINST BARRY + + XII.--CONTAINS THE TRAGICAL HISTORY OF THE PRINCESS OF X----- + + XIII.--I CONTINUE MY CAREER AS A MAN OF FASHION + + XIV.--I RETURN TO IRELAND, AND EXHIBIT MY SPLENDOUR AND GENEROSITY + IN THAT KINGDOM + + XV.--I PAY COURT TO MY LADY LYNDON + + XVI.--I PROVIDE NOBLY FOR MY FAMILY, AND ATTAIN THE HEIGHT OF MY + (SEEMING) GOOD FORTUNE + + XVII.--I APPEAR AS AN ORNAMENT OF ENGLISH SOCIETY + + XVIII.--IN WHICH MY GOOD FORTUNE BEGINS TO WAVER + + XIX.--CONCLUSION + + + + + +BARRY LYNDON + + + + +A BIBLIOGRAPHICAL NOTE + +Barry Lyndon--far from the best known, but by some critics acclaimed as +the finest, of Thackeray’s works--appeared originally as a serial a few +years before VANITY FAIR was written; yet it was not published in book +form, and then not by itself, until after the publication of VANITY +FAIR, PENDENNIS, ESMOND and THE NEWCOMES had placed its author in the +forefront of the literary men of the day. So many years after the event +we cannot help wondering why the story was not earlier put in book form; +for in its delineation of the character of an adventurer it is as great +as VANITY FAIR, while for the local colour of history, if I may put it +so, it is no undistinguished precursor of ESMOND. + +In the number of FRASER’S MAGAZINE for January 1844 appeared the first +instalment of ‘THE LUCK OF BARRY LYNDON, ESQ., A ROMANCE OF THE LAST +CENTURY, by FitzBoodle,’ and the story continued to appear month by +month--with the exception of October--up to the end of the year, when +the concluding portion was signed ‘G. S. FitzBoodle.’ FITZBOODLE’S +CONFESSIONS, it should be added, had appeared occasionally in the +magazine during the years immediately precedent, so that the pseudonym +was familiar to FRASER’S readers. The story was written, according to +its author’s own words, ‘with a great deal of dulness, unwillingness and +labour,’ and was evidently done as the instalments were required, for in +August he wrote ‘read for “B. L.” all the morning at the club,’ and four +days later of ‘“B. L.” lying like a nightmare on my mind.’ The journey +to the East--which was to give us in literary results NOTES OF A +JOURNEY FROM CORNHILL TO GRAND CAIRO--was begun with BARRY LYNDON yet +unfinished, for at Malta the author noted on the first three days of +November--‘Wrote Barry but slowly and with great difficulty.’ ‘Wrote +Barry with no more success than yesterday.’ ‘Finished Barry after great +throes late at night.’ In the number of Fraser’s for the following +month, as I have said, the conclusion appeared. A dozen years later, in +1856, the story formed the first part of the third volume of Thackeray’s +MISCELLANIES, when it was called MEMOIRS OF BARRY LYNDON, ESQ., WRITTEN +BY HIMSELF. Since then, it has nearly always been issued with other +matter, as though it were not strong enough to stand alone, or as though +the importance of a work was mainly to be gauged by the number of +pages to be crowded into one cover. The scheme of the present edition +fortunately allows fitting honour to be done to the memoirs of the great +adventurer. + +To come from the story as a whole to the personality of the eponymous +hero. Three widely-differing historical individuals are suggested as +having contributed to the composite portrait. Best known of these was +that very prince among adventurers, G. J. Casanova de Seingalt, a man +who in the latter half of the eighteenth century played the part of +adventurer--and generally that of the successful adventurer--in most of +the European capitals; who within the first five-and-twenty years of +his life had been ‘abbe, secretary to Cardinal Aquaviva, ensign, and +violinist, at Rome, Constantinople, Corfu, and his own birthplace +(Venice), where he cured a senator of apoplexy.’ His autobiography, +MEMOIRES ECRIT PAR LUI MEME (in twelve volumes), has been described +as ‘unmatched as a self-revelation of scoundrelism.’ It has also +been suggested, with I think far less colour of probability, that the +original of Barry was the diplomatist and satiric poet Sir Charles +Hanbury Williams, whom Dr Johnson described as ‘our lively and elegant +though too licentious lyrick bard.’ The third original, and one who, +there cannot be the slightest doubt, contributed features to the great +portrait, is a certain Andrew Robinson Stoney, afterwards Stoney-Bowes. + +The original of the Countess Lyndon was Mary Eleanor Bowes, Dowager +Countess of Strathmore, and heiress of a very wealthy Durham family. +This lady had many suitors, but in 1777 Stoney, a bankrupt lieutenant on +half pay, who had fought a duel on her behalf, induced her to marry him, +and subsequently hyphenated her name with his own. He became member +of Parliament, and ran such extravagant courses as does Barry Lyndon, +treated his wife with similar barbarity, abducted her when she had +escaped from him, and then, after being divorced, found his way to +a debtors’ prison. There are similarities here which no seeker after +originals can overlook. Mrs Ritchie says that her father had a friend +at Paris, ‘a Mr Bowes, who may have first told him this history of which +the details are almost incredible, as quoted from the papers of the +time.’ The name of Thackeray’s friend is a curious coincidence, unless, +as may well have been the case, he was a connection of the family into +which the notorious adventurer had married. It is not unlikely +that Thackeray had seen the work published in 1810--the year of +Stoney-Bowes’s death--in which the whole unhappy romance was set forth. +This was ‘THE LIVES OF ANDREW ROBINSON BOWES ESQ., and THE COUNTESS OF +STRATHMORE. Written from thirty-three years’ Professional Attendance, +from letters and other well authenticated Documents by Jesse Foot, +Surgeon.’ In this book we find several incidents similar to ones in +the story. Bowes cut down all the timber on his wife’s estate, but +‘the neighbours would not buy it.’ Such practical jokes as Barry Lyndon +played upon his son’s tutor were played by Bowes on his chaplain. The +story of Stoney and his marriage will be found briefly given in the +notice of the Countess’s life in the DICTIONARY OF NATIONAL BIOGRAPHY. + +Whence that part of the romantic interlude dealing with the stay in +the Duchy of X----, dealt with in chapter x., etc., was inspired, +Thackeray’s own note\books (as quoted by Mrs Ritchie) conclusively show: +‘January 4,1844. Read in a silly book called L’EMPIRE, a good story +about the first K. of Wurtemberg’s wife; killed by her husband for +adultery. Frederic William, born in 1734 (?), m. in 1780 the Princess +Caroline of Brunswick Wolfenbuttel, who died the 27th September 1788. +For the rest of the story see L’EMPIRE, OU DIX ANS SOUS NAPOLEON, PAR UN +CHAMBELLAN: Paris, Allardin, 1836; vol. i. 220.’ The ‘Captain Freny’ to +whom Barry owed his adventures on his journey to Dublin (chapter iii.) +was a notorious highwayman, on whose doings Thackeray had enlarged in +the fifteenth chapter of his IRISH SKETCH BOOK. + +Despite the slowness with which it was written, and the seeming neglect +with which it was permitted to remain unreprinted, BARRY LYNDON was +to be hailed by competent critics as one of Thackeray’s finest +performances, though the author himself seems to have had no strong +regard for the story. His daughter has recorded, ‘My father once said +to me when I was a girl: “You needn’t read BARRY LYNDON, you won’t like +it.” Indeed, it is scarcely a book to LIKE, but one to admire and to +wonder at for its consummate power and mastery.’ Another novelist, +Anthony Trollope, has said of it: ‘In imagination, language, +construction, and general literary capacity, Thackeray never did +anything more remarkable than BARRY LYNDON.’ Mr Leslie Stephen says: +‘All later critics have recognised in this book one of his most powerful +performances. In directness and vigour he never surpassed it.’ + +W.J. + + + + + +THE MEMOIRES OF BARRY LYNDON, ESQ. + + + +CHAPTER I. MY PEDIGREE AND FAMILY--UNDERGO THE INFLUENCE OF THE TENDER +PASSION + + +Since the days of Adam, there has been hardly a mischief done in this +world but a woman has been at the bottom of it. Ever since ours was +a family (and that must be very NEAR Adam’s time,--so old, noble, and +illustrious are the Barrys, as everybody knows) women have played a +mighty part with the destinies of our race. + +I presume that there is no gentleman in Europe that has not heard of +the house of Barry of Barryogue, of the kingdom of Ireland, than which a +more famous name is not to be found in Gwillim or D’Hozier; and though, +as a man of the world, I have learned to despise heartily the claims +of some PRETENDERS to high birth who have no more genealogy than the +lacquey who cleans my boots, and though I laugh to utter scorn the +boasting of many of my countrymen, who are all for descending from kings +of Ireland, and talk of a domain no bigger than would feed a pig as if +it were a principality; yet truth compels me to assert that my family +was the noblest of the island, and, perhaps, of the universal world; +while their possessions, now insignificant and torn from us by war, by +treachery, by the loss of time, by ancestral extravagance, by adhesion +to the old faith and monarch, were formerly prodigious, and embraced +many counties, at a time when Ireland was vastly more prosperous than +now. I would assume the Irish crown over my coat-of-arms, but that there +are so many silly pretenders to that distinction who bear it and render +it common. + +Who knows, but for the fault of a woman, I might have been wearing +it now? You start with incredulity. I say, why not? Had there been a +gallant chief to lead my countrymen, instead or puling knaves who bent +the knee to King Richard II., they might have been freemen; had there +been a resolute leader to meet the murderous ruffian Oliver Cromwell, we +should have shaken off the English for ever. But there was no Barry in +the field against the usurper; on the contrary, my ancestor, Simon de +Bary, came over with the first-named monarch, and married the daughter +of the then King of Munster, whose sons in battle he pitilessly slew. + +In Oliver’s time it was too late for a chief of the name of Barry +to lift up his war-cry against that of the murderous brewer. We were +princes of the land no longer; our unhappy race had lost its possessions +a century previously, and by the most shameful treason. This I know to +be the fact, for my mother has often told me the story, and besides had +worked it in a worsted pedigree which hung up in the yellow saloon at +Barryville where we lived. + +That very estate which the Lyndons now possess in Ireland was once the +property of my race. Rory Barry of Barryogue owned it in Elizabeth’s +time, and half Munster beside. The Barry was always in feud with the +O’Mahonys in those times; and, as it happened, a certain English colonel +passed through the former’s country with a body of men-at-arms, on the +very day when the O’Mahonys had made an inroad upon our territories, and +carried off a frightful plunder of our flocks and herds. + +This young Englishman, whose name was Roger Lyndon, Linden, or Lyndaine, +having been most hospitably received by the Barry, and finding him just +on the point of carrying an inroad into the O’Mahonys’ land, offered +the aid of himself and his lances, and behaved himself so well, as it +appeared, that the O’Mahonys were entirely overcome, all the Barrys’ +property restored, and with it, says the old chronicle, twice as much of +the O’Mahonys’ goods and cattle. + +It was the setting in of the winter season, and the young soldier was +pressed by the Barry not to quit his house of Barryogue, and remained +there during several months, his men being quartered with Barry’s own +gallowglasses, man by man in the cottages round about. They conducted +themselves, as is their wont, with the most intolerable insolence +towards the Irish; so much so, that fights and murders continually +ensued, and the people vowed to destroy them. + +The Barry’s son (from whom I descend) was as hostile to the English as +any other man on his domain; and, as they would not go when bidden, he +and his friends consulted together and determined on destroying these +English to a man. + +But they had let a woman into their plot, and this was the Barry’s +daughter. She was in love with the English Lyndon, and broke the whole +secret to him; and the dastardly English prevented the just massacre of +themselves by falling on the Irish, and destroying Phaudrig Barry, my +ancestor, and many hundreds of his men. The cross at Barrycross near +Carrignadihioul is the spot where the odious butchery took place. + +Lyndon married the daughter of Roderick Barry, and claimed the estate +which he left: and though the descendants of Phaudrig were alive, as +indeed they are in my person,[Footnote: As we have never been able to +find proofs of the marriage of my ancestor Phaudrig with his wife, +I make no doubt that Lyndon destroyed the contract, and murdered the +priest and witnesses of the marriage.--B. L.] on appealing to the +English courts, the estate was awarded to the Englishman, as has ever +been the case where English and Irish were concerned. + +Thus, had it not been for the weakness of a woman, I should have been +born to the possession of those very estates which afterwards came to me +by merit, as you shall hear. But to proceed with my family, history. + +My father was well known to the best circles in this kingdom, as in that +of Ireland, under the name of Roaring Harry Barry. He was bred like many +other young sons of genteel families to the profession of the law, being +articled to a celebrated attorney of Sackville Street in the city of +Dublin; and, from his great genius and aptitude for learning, there is +no doubt he would have made an eminent figure in his profession, had not +his social qualities, love of field-sports, and extraordinary graces +of manner, marked him out for a higher sphere. While he was attorney’s +clerk he kept seven race-horses, and hunted regularly both with the +Kildare and Wicklow hunts; and rode on his grey horse Endymion that +famous match against Captain Punter, which is still remembered by lovers +of the sport, and of which I caused a splendid picture to be made and +hung over my dining-hall mantelpiece at Castle Lyndon. A year afterwards +he had the honour of riding that very horse Endymion before his late +Majesty King George II. at New-market, and won the plate there and the +attention of the august sovereign. + +Although he was only the second son of our family, my dear father came +naturally into the estate (now miserably reduced to L400 a year); for my +grandfather’s eldest son Cornelius Barry (called the Chevalier Borgne, +from a wound which he received in Germany) remained constant to the old +religion in which our family was educated, and not only served abroad +with credit, but against His Most Sacred Majesty George II. in the +unhappy Scotch disturbances in ‘45. We shall hear more of the Chevalier +hereafter. + +For the conversion of my father I have to thank my dear mother, Miss +Bell Brady, daughter of Ulysses Brady of Castle Brady, county Kerry, +Esquire and J.P. She was the most beautiful woman of her day in Dublin, +and universally called the Dasher there. Seeing her at the assembly, +my father became passionately attached to her; but her soul was above +marrying a Papist or an attorney’s clerk; and so, for the love of her, +the good old laws being then in force, my dear father slipped into my +uncle Cornelius’s shoes and took the family estate. Besides the force of +my mother’s bright eyes, several persons, and of the genteelest society +too, contributed to this happy change; and I have often heard my mother +laughingly tell the story of my father’s recantation, which was solemnly +pronounced at the tavern in the company of Sir Dick Ringwood, Lord +Bagwig, Captain Punter, and two or three other young sparks of the +town. Roaring Harry won 300 pieces that very night at faro, and laid +the necessary information the next morning against his brother; but his +conversion caused a coolness between him and my uncle Corney, who joined +the rebels in consequence. + +This great difficulty being settled, my Lord Bagwig lent my father his +own yacht, then lying at the Pigeon House, and the handsome Bell Brady +was induced to run away with him to England, although her parents +were against the match, and her lovers (as I have heard her tell many +thousands of times) were among the most numerous and the most wealthy +in all the kingdom of Ireland. They were married at the Savoy, and my +grandfather dying very soon, Harry Barry, Esquire, took possession of +his paternal property and supported our illustrious name with credit in +London. He pinked the famous Count Tiercelin behind Montague House, he +was a member of ‘White’s,’ and a frequenter of all the chocolate-houses; +and my mother, likewise, made no small figure. At length, after his +great day of triumph before His Sacred Majesty at Newmarket, Harry’s +fortune was just on the point of being made, for the gracious monarch +promised to provide for him. But alas! he was taken in charge by another +monarch, whose will have no delay or denial,--by Death, namely, who +seized upon my father at Chester races, leaving me a helpless orphan. +Peace be to his ashes! He was not faultless, and dissipated all our +princely family property; but he was as brave a fellow as ever tossed +a bumper or called a main, and he drove his coach-and-six like a man of +fashion. + +I do not know whether His gracious Majesty was much affected by this +sudden demise of my father, though my mother says he shed some royal +tears on the occasion. But they helped us to nothing: and all that was +found in the house for the wife and creditors was a purse of ninety +guineas, which my dear mother naturally took, with the family plate, and +my father’s wardrobe and her own; and putting them into our great coach, +drove off to Holyhead, whence she took shipping for Ireland. My father’s +body accompanied us in the finest hearse and plumes money could buy; for +though the husband and wife had quarrelled repeatedly in life, yet at my +father’s death his high-spirited widow forgot all her differences, gave +him the grandest funeral that had been seen for many a day, and erected +a monument over his remains (for which I subsequently paid), which +declared him to be the wisest, purest, and most affectionate of men. + +In performing these sad duties over her deceased lord, the widow spent +almost every guinea she had, and, indeed, would have spent a great deal +more, had she discharged one-third of the demands which the ceremonies +occasioned. But the people around our old house of Barryogue, although +they did not like my father for his change of faith, yet stood by him at +this moment, and were for exterminating the mutes sent by Mr. Plumer of +London with the lamented remains. The monument and vault in the church +were then, alas! all that remained of my vast possessions; for my father +had sold every stick of the property to one Notley, an attorney, and we +received but a cold welcome in his house--a miserable old tumble-down +place it was. [Footnote: In another part of his memoir Mr. Barry will +be found to describe this mansion as one of the most splendid palaces +in Europe; but this is a practice not unusual with his nation; and with +respect to the Irish principality claimed by him, it is known that Mr. +Barry’s grandfather was an attorney and maker of his own fortune.] + +The splendour of the funeral did not fail to increase the widow Barry’s +reputation as a woman of spirit and fashion; and when she wrote to her +brother Michael Brady, that worthy gentleman immediately rode across the +country to fling himself in her arms, and to invite her in his wife’s +name to Castle Brady. + +Mick and Barry had quarrelled, as all men will, and very high words had +passed between them during Barry’s courtship of Miss Bell. When he took +her off, Brady swore he would never forgive Barry or Bell; but coming +to London in the year ‘46, he fell in once more with Roaring Harry, and +lived in his fine house in Clarges Street, and lost a few pieces to +him at play, and broke a watchman’s head or two in his company,--all +of which reminiscences endeared Bell and her son very much to the +good-hearted gentleman, and he received us both with open arms. Mrs. +Barry did not, perhaps wisely, at first make known to her friends what +was her condition; but arriving in a huge gilt coach with enormous +armorial bearings, was taken by her sister-in-law and the rest of the +county for a person of considerable property and distinction. For a +time, then, and as was right and proper, Mrs. Barry gave the law at +Castle Brady. She ordered the servants to and fro, and taught them, +what indeed they much wanted, a little London neatness; and ‘English +Redmond,’ as I was called, was treated like a little lord, and had a +maid and a footman to himself; and honest Mick paid their wages,--which +was much more than he was used to do for his own domestics,--doing +all in his power to make his sister decently comfortable under her +afflictions. Mamma, in return, determined that, when her affairs were +arranged, she would make her kind brother a handsome allowance for +her son’s maintenance and her own; and promised to have her handsome +furniture brought over from Clarges Street to adorn the somewhat +dilapidated rooms of Castle Brady. + +But it turned out that the rascally landlord seized upon every chair and +table that ought by rights to have belonged to the widow. The estate to +which I was heir was in the hands of rapacious creditors; and the only +means of subsistence remaining to the widow and child was a rent-charge +of L50 upon my Lord Bagwig’s property, who had many turf-dealings with +the deceased. And so my dear mother’s liberal intentions towards her +brother were of course never fulfilled. + +It must be confessed, very much to the discredit of Mrs. Brady of Castle +Brady, that when her sister-in-law’s poverty was thus made manifest, +she forgot all the respect which she had been accustomed to pay her, +instantly turned my maid and man-servant out of doors, and told Mrs. +Barry that she might follow them as soon as she chose. Mrs. Mick was of +a low family, and a sordid way of thinking; and after about a couple +of years (during which she had saved almost all her little income) the +widow complied with Madam Brady’s desire. At the same time, giving way +to a just though prudently dissimulated resentment, she made a vow that +she would never enter the gates of Castle Brady while the lady of the +house remained alive within them. + +She fitted up her new abode with much economy and considerable taste, +and never, for all her poverty, abated a jot of the dignity which was +her due and which all the neighbourhood awarded to her. How, indeed, +could they refuse respect to a lady who had lived in London, frequented +the most fashionable society there, and had been presented (as she +solemnly declared) at Court? These advantages gave her a right which +seems to be pretty unsparingly exercised in Ireland by those natives who +have it,--the right of looking down with scorn upon all persons who have +not had the opportunity of quitting the mother-country and inhabiting +England for a while. Thus, whenever Madam Brady appeared abroad in a +new dress, her sister-in-law would say, ‘Poor creature! how can it +be expected that she should know anything of the fashion?’ And though +pleased to be called the handsome widow, as she was, Mrs. Barry was +still better pleased to be called the English widow. + +Mrs. Brady, for her part, was not slow to reply: she used to say +that the defunct Barry was a bankrupt and a beggar; and as for the +fashionable society which he saw, he saw it from my Lord Bagwig’s +side-table, whose flatterer and hanger-on he was known to be. Regarding +Mrs. Barry, the lady of Castle Brady would make insinuations still more +painful. However, why should we allude to these charges, or rake up +private scandal of a hundred years old? It was in the reign of George +II that the above-named personages lived and quarrelled; good or bad, +handsome or ugly, rich or poor, they are all equal now; and do not the +Sunday papers and the courts of law supply us every week with more novel +and interesting slander? + +At any rate, it must be allowed that Mrs. Barry, after her husband’s +death and her retirement, lived in such a way as to defy slander. For +whereas Bell Brady had been the gayest girl in the whole county of +Wexford, with half the bachelors at her feet, and plenty of smiles and +encouragement for every one of them, Bell Barry adopted a dignified +reserve that almost amounted to pomposity, and was as starch as any +Quakeress. Many a man renewed his offers to the widow, who had been +smitten by the charms of the spinster; but Mrs. Barry refused all offers +of marriage, declaring that she lived now for her son only, and for the +memory of her departed saint. + +‘Saint forsooth!’ said ill-natured Mrs. Brady. + +‘Harry Barry was as big a sinner as ever was known; and ‘tis notorious +that he and Bell hated each other. If she won’t marry now, depend on it, +the artful woman has a husband in her eye for all that, and only waits +until Lord Bagwig is a widower.’ + +And suppose she did, what then? Was not the widow of a Barry fit to +marry with any lord of England? and was it not always said that a woman +was to restore the fortunes of the Barry family? If my mother fancied +that SHE was to be that woman, I think it was a perfectly justifiable +notion on her part; for the Earl (my godfather) was always most +attentive to her: I never knew how deeply this notion of advancing my +interests in the world had taken possession of mamma’s mind, until +his Lordship’s marriage in the year ‘57 with Miss Goldmore, the Indian +nabob’s rich daughter. + +Meanwhile we continued to reside at Barryville, and, considering the +smallness of our income, kept up a wonderful state. Of the half-dozen +families that formed the congregation at Brady’s Town, there was not a +single person whose appearance was so respectable as that of the widow, +who, though she always dressed in mourning, in memory of her deceased +husband, took care that her garments should be made so as to set off her +handsome person to the greatest advantage; and, indeed, I think, +spent six hours out of every day in the week in cutting, trimming, +and altering them to the fashion. She had the largest of hoops and the +handsomest of furbelows, and once a month (under my Lord Bagwig’s cover) +would come a letter from London containing the newest accounts of the +fashions there. Her complexion was so brilliant that she had no call to +use rouge, as was the mode in those days. No, she left red and white, +she said (and hence the reader may imagine how the two ladies hated each +other) to Madam Brady, whose yellow complexion no plaster could alter. +In a word, she was so accomplished a beauty, that all the women in the +country took pattern by her, and the young fellows from ten miles round +would ride over to Castle Brady church to have the sight of her. + +But if (like every other woman that ever I saw or read of) she was proud +of her beauty, to do her justice she was still more proud of her son, +and has said a thousand times to me that I was the handsomest young +fellow in the world. This is a matter of taste. A man of sixty may, +however, say what he was at fourteen without much vanity, and I must say +I think there was some cause for my mother’s opinion. The good soul’s +pleasure was to dress me; and on Sundays and holidays I turned out in a +velvet coat with a silver-hilted sword by my side and a gold garter at +my knee, as fine as any lord in the land. My mother worked me several +most splendid waistcoats, and I had plenty of lace for my ruffles, and +a fresh riband to my hair, and as we walked to church on Sundays, even +envious Mrs. Brady was found to allow that there was not a prettier pair +in the kingdom. + +Of course, too, the lady of Castle Brady used to sneer, because on these +occasions a certain Tim, who used to be called my valet, followed me and +my mother to church, carrying a huge prayer-book and a cane, and dressed +in the livery of one of our own fine footmen from Clarges Street, which, +as Tim was a bandy-shanked little fellow, did not exactly become him. +But, though poor, we were gentlefolks, and not to be sneered out of +these becoming appendages to our rank; and so would march up the aisle +to our pew with as much state and gravity as the Lord Lieutenant’s lady +and son might do. When there, my mother would give the responses and +amens in a loud dignified voice that was delightful to hear, and, +besides, had a fine loud voice for singing, which art she had perfected +in London under a fashionable teacher; and she would exercise her talent +in such a way that you would hardly hear any other voice of the little +congregation which chose to join in the psalm. In fact, my mother had +great gifts in every way, and believed herself to be one of the most +beautiful, accomplished, and meritorious persons in the world. Often and +often has she talked to me and the neighbours regarding her own humility +and piety, pointing them out in such a way that I would defy the most +obstinate to disbelieve her. + +When we left Castle Brady we came to occupy a house in Brady’s town, +which mamma christened Barryville. I confess it was but a small place, +but, indeed, we made the most of it. I have mentioned the family +pedigree which hung up in the drawingroom, which mamma called the yellow +saloon, and my bedroom was called the pink bedroom, and hers the orange +tawny apartment (how well I remember them all!); and at dinner-time Tim +regularly rang a great bell, and we each had a silver tankard to drink +from, and mother boasted with justice that I had as good a bottle of +claret by my side as any squire of the land. So indeed I had, but I was +not, of course, allowed at my tender years to drink any of the wine; +which thus attained a considerable age, even in the decanter. + +Uncle Brady (in spite of the family quarrel) found out the above fact +one day by calling at Barryville at dinner-time, and unluckily tasting +the liquor. You should have seen how he sputtered and made faces! But +the honest gentleman was not particular about his wine, or the company +in which he drank it. He would get drunk, indeed, with the parson or the +priest indifferently; with the latter, much to my mother’s indignation, +for, as a true blue Nassauite, she heartily despised all those of the +old faith, and would scarcely sit down in the room with a benighted +Papist. But the squire had no such scruples; he was, indeed, one of the +easiest, idlest, and best-natured fellows that ever lived, and many +an hour would he pass with the lonely widow when he was tired of Madam +Brady at home. He liked me, he said, as much as one of his own sons, +and at length, after the widow had held out for a couple of years, she +agreed to allow me to return to the castle; though, for herself, +she resolutely kept the oath which she had made with regard to her +sister-in-law. + +The very first day I returned to Castle Brady my trials may be said, +in a manner, to have begun. My cousin, Master Mick, a huge monster of +nineteen (who hated me, and I promise you I returned the compliment), +insulted me at dinner about my mother’s poverty, and made all the girls +of the family titter. So when we went to the stables, whither Mick +always went for his pipe of tobacco after dinner, I told him a piece of +my mind, and there was a fight for at least ten minutes, during which I +stood to him like a man, and blacked his left eye, though I was myself +only twelve years old at the time. Of course he beat me, but a beating +makes only a small impression on a lad of that tender age, as I had +proved many times in battles with the ragged Brady’s Town boys before, +not one of whom, at my time of life, was my match. My uncle was very +much pleased when he heard of my gallantry; my cousin Nora brought brown +paper and vinegar for my nose, and I went home that night with a pint of +claret under my girdle, not a little proud, let me tell you, at having +held my own against Mick so long. + +And though he persisted in his bad treatment of me, and used to cane +me whenever I fell in his way, yet I was very happy now at Castle +Brady with the company there, and my cousins, or some of them, and the +kindness of my uncle, with whom I became a prodigious favourite. He +bought a colt for me, and taught me to ride. He took me out coursing and +fowling, and instructed me to shoot flying. And at length I was released +from Mick’s persecution, for his brother, Master Ulick, returning from +Trinity College, and hating his elder brother, as is mostly the way in +families of fashion, took me under his protection; and from that time, +as Ulick was a deal bigger and stronger than Mick, I, English Redmond, +as I was called, was left alone; except when the former thought fit to +thrash me, which he did whenever he thought proper. + +Nor was my learning neglected in the ornamental parts, for I had +an uncommon natural genius for many things, and soon topped in +accomplishments most of the persons around me. I had a quick ear and a +fine voice, which my mother cultivated to the best of her power, and +she taught me to step a minuet gravely and gracefully, and thus laid +the foundation of my future success in life. The common dances I learned +(as, perhaps, I ought not to confess) in the servants’ hall, which, +you may be sure, was never without a piper, and where I was considered +unrivalled both at a hornpipe and a jig. + +In the matter of book-learning, I had always an uncommon taste for +reading plays and novels, as the best part of a gentleman’s polite +education, and never let a pedlar pass the village, if I had a penny, +without having a ballad or two from him. As for your dull grammar, +and Greek and Latin and stuff, I have always hated them from my youth +upwards, and said, very unmistakably, I would have none of them. + +This I proved pretty clearly at the age of thirteen, when my aunt Biddy +Brady’s legacy of L100 came in to mamma, who thought to employ the sum +on my education, and sent me to Doctor Tobias Tickler’s famous academy +at Ballywhacket--Backwhacket, as my uncle used to call it. But six +weeks after I had been consigned to his reverence, I suddenly made my +appearance again at Castle Brady, having walked forty miles from the +odious place, and left the Doctor in a state near upon apoplexy. The +fact was, that at taw, prison-bars, or boxing, I was at the head of the +school, but could not be brought to excel in the classics; and after +having been flogged seven times, without its doing me the least good +in my Latin, I refused to submit altogether (finding it useless) to an +eighth application of the rod. ‘Try some other way, sir,’ said I, when +he was for horsing me once more; but he wouldn’t; whereon, and to defend +myself, I flung a slate at him, and knocked down a Scotch usher with a +leaden inkstand. All the lads huzza’d at this, and some or the servants +wanted to stop me; but taking out a large clasp-knife that my cousin +Nora had given me, I swore I would plunge it into the waistcoat of the +first man who dared to balk me, and faith they let me pass on. I slept +that night twenty miles off Ballywhacket, at the house of a cottier, who +gave me potatoes and milk, and to whom I gave a hundred guineas after, +when I came to visit Ireland in my days of greatness. I wish I had the +money now. But what’s the use of regret? I have had many a harder bed +than that I shall sleep on to-night, and many a scantier meal than +honest Phil Murphy gave me on the evening I ran away from school. So six +weeks’ was all the schooling I ever got. And I say this to let parents +know the value of it; for though I have met more learned book-worms in +the world, especially a great hulking, clumsy, blear-eyed old doctor, +whom they called Johnson, and who lived in a court off Fleet Street, +in London, yet I pretty soon silenced him in an argument (at ‘Button’s +Coffeehouse’); and in that, and in poetry, and what I call natural +philosophy, or the science of life, and in riding, music, leaping, +the small-sword, the knowledge of a horse, or a main of cocks, and the +manners of an accomplished gentleman and a man of fashion, I may say for +myself that Redmond Barry has seldom found his equal. ‘Sir,’ said I to +Mr. Johnson, on the occasion I allude to--he was accompanied by a Mr. +Buswell of Scotland, and I was presented to the club by a Mr. Goldsmith, +a countryman of my own--‘Sir,’ said I, in reply to the schoolmaster’s +great thundering quotation in Greek, ‘you fancy you know a great deal +more than me, because you quote your Aristotle and your Pluto; but can +you tell me which horse will win at Epsom Downs next week?--Can you run +six miles without breathing?--Can you shoot the ace of spades ten times +without missing? If so, talk about Aristotle and Pluto to me.’ + +‘D’ye knaw who ye’re speaking to?’ roared out the Scotch gentleman, Mr. +Boswell, at this. + +‘Hold your tongue, Mr. Boswell,’ said the old schoolmaster. ‘I had no +right to brag of my Greek to the gentleman, and he has answered me very +well.’ + +‘Doctor,’ says I, looking waggishly at him, ‘do you know ever a rhyme +for ArisTOTLE?’ + +‘Port, if you plaise,’ says Mr. Goldsmith, laughing. And we had SIX +RHYMES FOR ARISTOTLE before we left the coffee-house that evening. It +became a regular joke afterwards when I told the story, and at ‘White’s’ +or the ‘Cocoa-tree’ you would hear the wags say, ‘Waiter, bring me one +of Captain Barry’s rhymes for Aristotle.’ Once, when I was in liquor at +the latter place, young Dick Sheridan called me a great Staggerite, a +joke which I could never understand. But I am wandering from my story, +and must get back to home, and dear old Ireland again. + +I have made acquaintance with the best in the land since, and my +manners are such, I have said, as to make me the equal of them all; and, +perhaps, you will wonder how a country boy, as I was, educated amongst +Irish squires, and their dependants of the stable and farm, should +arrive at possessing such elegant manners as I was indisputably allowed +to have. I had, the fact is, a very valuable instructor in the person of +an old gamekeeper, who had served the French king at Fontenoy, and who +taught me the dances and customs, and a smattering of the language of +that country, with the use of the sword, both small and broad. Many +and many a long mile I have trudged by his side as a lad, he telling me +wonderful stories of the French king, and the Irish brigade, and Marshal +Saxe, and the opera-dancers; he knew my uncle, too, the Chevalier +Borgne, and indeed had a thousand accomplishments which he taught me in +secret. I never knew a man like him for making or throwing a fly, for +physicking a horse, or breaking, or choosing one; he taught me manly +sports, from birds’-nesting upwards, and I always shall consider Phil +Purcell as the very best tutor I could have had. His fault was drink, +but for that I have always had a blind eye; and he hated my cousin Mick +like poison; but I could excuse him that too. + +With Phil, and at the age of fifteen, I was a more accomplished man than +either of my cousins; and I think Nature had been also more bountiful to +me in the matter of person. Some of the Castle Brady girls (as you shall +hear presently) adored me. At fairs and races many of the prettiest +lasses present said they would like to have me for their bachelor; and +yet somehow, it must be confessed, I was not popular. + +In the first place, every one knew I was bitter poor; and I think, +perhaps, it was my good mother’s fault that I was bitter proud too. I +had a habit of boasting in company of my birth, and the splendour of my +carriages, gardens, cellars, and domestics, and this before people who +were perfectly aware of my real circumstances. If it was boys, and they +ventured to sneer, I would beat them, or die for it; and many’s the time +I’ve been brought home well-nigh killed by one or more of them, on what, +when my mother asked me, I would say was ‘a family quarrel.’ ‘Support +your name with your blood, Reddy my boy,’ would that saint say, with the +tears in her eyes; and so would she herself have done with her voice, +ay, and her teeth and nails. + +Thus, at fifteen, there was scarce a lad of twenty, for half-a-dozen +miles round, that I had not beat for one cause or other. There were the +vicar’s two sons of Castle Brady--in course I could not associate with +such beggarly brats as them, and many a battle did we have as to +who should take the wall in Brady’s Town; there was Pat Lurgan, the +blacksmith’s son, who had the better of me four times before we came +to the crowning fight, when I overcame him; and I could mention a score +more of my deeds of prowess in that way, but that fisticuff facts are +dull subjects to talk of, and to discuss before high-bred gentlemen and +ladies. + +However, there is another subject, ladies, on which I must discourse, +and THAT is never out of place. Day and night you like to hear of it: +young and old, you dream and think of it. Handsome and ugly (and, faith, +before fifty, I never saw such a thing as a plain woman), it’s the +subject next to the hearts of all of you; and I think you guess my +riddle without more trouble. LOVE! sure the word is formed on purpose +out of the prettiest soft vowels and consonants in the language, and +he or she who does not care to read about it is not worth a fig, to my +thinking. + +My uncle’s family consisted of ten children; who, as is the custom in +such large families, were divided into two camps, or parties; the one +siding with their mamma, the other taking the part of my uncle in all +the numerous quarrels which arose between that gentleman and his lady. +Mrs. Brady’s faction was headed by Mick, the eldest son, who hated me +so, and disliked his father for keeping him out of his property: while +Ulick, the second brother, was his father’s own boy; and, in revenge, +Master Mick was desperately afraid of him. I need not mention the girls’ +names; I had plague enough with them in after-life, Heaven knows; and +one of them was the cause of all my early troubles: this was (though to +be sure all her sisters denied it) the belle of the family, Miss Honoria +Brady by name. + +She said she was only nineteen at the time; but I could read the +fly-leaf in the family Bible as well as another (it was one of the three +books which, with the backgammon-board, formed my uncle’s library), and +know that she was born in the year ‘37, and christened by Doctor Swift, +Dean of St. Patrick’s, Dublin: hence she was three-and-twenty years old +at the time she and I were so much together. + +When I come to think about her now, I know she never could have been +handsome; for her figure was rather of the fattest, and her mouth of the +widest; she was freckled over like a partridge’s egg, and her hair was +the colour of a certain vegetable which we eat with boiled beef, to +use the mildest term. Often and often would my dear mother make these +remarks concerning her; but I did not believe them then, and somehow +had gotten to think Honoria an angelical being, far above all the other +angels of her sex. + +And as we know very well that a lady who is skilled in dancing or +singing never can perfect herself without a deal of study in private, +and that the song or the minuet which is performed with so much graceful +ease in the assembly-room has not been acquired without vast labour +and perseverance in private; so it is with the dear creatures who are +skilled in coquetting. Honoria, for instance, was always practising, +and she would take poor me to rehearse her accomplishment upon; or the +exciseman, when he came his rounds, or the steward, or the poor curate, +or the young apothecary’s lad from Brady’s Town: whom I recollect +beating once for that very reason. If he is alive now I make him my +apologies. Poor fellow! as if it was HIS fault that he should be a +victim to the wiles of one of the greatest coquettes (considering her +obscure life and rustic breeding) in the world. + +If the truth must be told--and every word of this narrative of my life +is of the most sacred veracity--my passion for Nora began in a very +vulgar and unromantic way. I did not save her life; on the contrary, I +once very nearly killed her, as you shall hear. I did not behold her +by moonlight playing on the guitar, or rescue her from the hands of +ruffians, as Alfonso does Lindamira in the novel; but one day, after +dinner at Brady’s Town, in summer, going into the garden to pull +gooseberries for my dessert, and thinking only of gooseberries, I pledge +my honour, I came upon Miss Nora and one of her sisters, with whom +she was friends at the time, who were both engaged in the very same +amusement. + +‘What’s the Latin for gooseberry, Redmond?’ says she. She was always +‘poking her fun,’ as the Irish phrase it. + +‘I know the Latin for goose,’ says I. + +‘And what’s that?’ cries Miss Mysie, as pert as a peacock. + +‘Bo to you!’ says I (for I had never a want of wit); and so we fell to +work at the gooseberry-bush, laughing and talking as happy as might be. +In the course of our diversion Nora managed to scratch her arm, and it +bled, and she screamed, and it was mighty round and white, and I tied it +up, and I believe was permitted to kiss her hand; and though it was as +big and clumsy a hand as ever you saw, yet I thought the favour the +most ravishing one that was ever conferred upon me, and went home in a +rapture. + +I was much too simple a fellow to disguise any sentiment I chanced to +feel in those days; and not one of the eight Castle Brady girls but +was soon aware of my passion, and joked and complimented Nora about her +bachelor. + +The torments of jealousy the cruel coquette made me endure were +horrible. Sometimes she would treat me as a child, sometimes as a man. +She would always leave me if ever there came a stranger to the house. + +‘For after all, Redmond,’ she would say, ‘you are but fifteen, and you +haven’t a guinea in the world.’ At which I would swear that I would +become the greatest hero ever known out of Ireland, and vow that before +I was twenty I would have money enough to purchase an estate six times +as big as Castle Brady. All which vain promises, of course, I did not +keep; but I make no doubt they influenced me in my very early life, and +caused me to do those great actions for which I have been celebrated, +and which shall be narrated presently in order. + +I must tell one of them, just that my dear young lady readers may +know what sort of a fellow Redmond Barry was, and what a courage and +undaunted passion he had. I question whether any of the jenny-jessamines +of the present day would do half as much in the face of danger. + +About this time, it must be premised, the United Kingdom was in a state +of great excitement from the threat generally credited of a French +invasion. The Pretender was said to be in high favour at Versailles, +a descent upon Ireland was especially looked to, and the noblemen and +people of condition in that and all other parts of the kingdom showed +their loyalty by raising regiments of horse and foot to resist the +invaders. Brady’s Town sent a company to join the Kilwangan regiment, of +which Master Mick was the captain; and we had a letter from Master +Ulick at Trinity College, stating that the University had also formed a +regiment, in which he had the honour to be a corporal. How I envied +them both! especially that odious Mick as I saw him in his laced scarlet +coat, with a ribbon in his hat, march off at the head of his men. He, +the poor spiritless creature, was a captain, and I nothing,--I who felt +I had as much courage as the Duke of Cumberland himself, and felt, too, +that a red jacket would mightily become me! My mother said I was too +young to join the new regiment; but the fact was, that it was she +herself who was too poor, for the cost of a new uniform would have +swallowed up half her year’s income, and she would only have her boy +appear in a way suitable to his birth, riding the finest of racers, +dressed in the best of clothes, and keeping the genteelest of company. + +Well, then, the whole country was alive with war’s alarums, the three +kingdoms ringing with military music, and every man of merit paying his +devoirs at the court of Bellona, whilst poor I was obliged to stay at +home in my fustian jacket and sigh for fame in secret. Mr. Mick came +to and fro from the regiment, and brought numerous of his comrades with +him. Their costume and swaggering airs filled me with grief, and Miss +Nora’s unvarying attentions to them served to make me half wild. No one, +however, thought of attributing this sadness to the young lady’s +score, but rather to my disappointment at not being allowed to join the +military profession. + +Once the officers of the Fencibles gave a grand ball at Kilwangan, to +which, as a matter of course, all the ladies of Castle Brady (and a +pretty ugly coachful they were) were invited. I knew to what tortures +the odious little flirt of a Nora would put me with her eternal +coquetries with the officers, and refused for a long time to be one of +the party to the ball. But she had a way of conquering me, against which +all resistance of mine was in vain. She vowed that riding in a coach +always made her ill. ‘And how can I go to the ball,’ said she, ‘unless +you take me on Daisy behind you on the pillion?’ Daisy was a good +blood-mare of my uncle’s, and to such a proposition I could not for my +soul say no; so we rode in safety to Kilwangan, and I felt myself as +proud as any prince when she promised to dance a country-dance with me. + +When the dance was ended, the little ungrateful flirt informed me that +she had quite forgotten her engagement; she had actually danced the set +with an Englishman! I have endured torments in my life, but none like +that. She tried to make up for her neglect, but I would not. Some of the +prettiest girls there offered to console me, for I was the best dancer +in the room. I made one attempt, but was too wretched to continue, and +so remained alone all night in a state of agony. I would have played, +but I had no money; only the gold piece that my mother bade me always +keep in my purse as a gentleman should. I did not care for drink, or +know the dreadful comfort of it in those days; but I thought of killing +myself and Nora, and most certainly of making away with Captain Quin! + +At last, and at morning, the ball was over. The rest of our ladies went +off in the lumbering creaking old coach; Daisy was brought out, and Miss +Nora took her place behind me, which I let her do without a word. But we +were not half-a-mile out of town when she began to try with her coaxing +and blandishments to dissipate my ill-humour. + +‘Sure it’s a bitter night, Redmond dear, and you’ll catch cold without a +handkerchief to your neck.’ To this sympathetic remark from the pillion, +the saddle made no reply. + +‘Did you and Miss Clancy have a pleasant evening, Redmond? You were +together, I saw, all night.’ To this the saddle only replied by grinding +his teeth, and giving a lash to Daisy. + +‘O mercy! you’ll make Daisy rear and throw me, you careless creature +you: and you know, Redmond, I’m so timid.’ The pillion had by this +got her arm round the saddle’s waist, and perhaps gave it the gentlest +squeeze in the world. + +‘I hate Miss Clancy, you know I do!’ answers the saddle; ‘and I only +danced with her because--because--the person with whom I intended to +dance chose to be engaged the whole night.’ + +‘Sure there were my sisters,’ said the pillion, now laughing outright in +the pride of her conscious superiority; ‘and for me, my dear, I had +not been in the room five minutes before I was engaged for every single +set.’ + +‘Were you obliged to dance five times with Captain Quin?’ said I; and +oh! strange delicious charm of coquetry, I do believe Miss Nora Brady +at twenty-three years of age felt a pang of delight in thinking that she +had so much power over a guileless lad of fifteen. Of course she replied +that she did not care a fig for Captain Quin: that he danced prettily, +to be sure, and was a pleasant rattle of a man; that he looked well in +his regimentals too; and if he chose to ask her to dance, how could she +refuse him? + +‘But you refused me, Nora.’ + +‘Oh! I can dance with you any day,’ answered Miss Nora, with a toss +of her head; ‘and to dance with your cousin at a ball, looks as if you +could find no other partner. Besides,’ said Nora--and this was a +cruel, unkind cut, which showed what a power she had over me, and how +mercilessly she used it,--‘besides, Redmond, Captain Quin’s a man and +you are only a boy!’ + +‘If ever I meet him again,’ I roared out with an oath, ‘you shall see +which is the best man of the two. I’ll fight him with sword or with +pistol, captain as he is. A man indeed! I’ll fight any man--every man! +Didn’t I stand up to Mick Brady when I was eleven years old?--Didn’t I +beat Tom Sullivan, the great hulking brute, who is nineteen?--Didn’t I +do for the Scotch usher? O Nora, it’s cruel of you to sneer at me so!’ + +But Nora was in the sneering mood that night, and pursued her sarcasms; +she pointed out that Captain Quin was already known as a valiant +soldier, famous as a man of fashion in London, and that it was mighty +well of Redmond to talk and boast of beating ushers and farmers’ boys, +but to fight an Englishman was a very different matter. + +Then she fell to talk of the invasion, and of military matters +in general; of King Frederick (who was called, in those days, the +Protestant hero), of Monsieur Thurot and his fleet, of Monsieur Conflans +and his squadron, of Minorca, how it was attacked, and where it was; we +both agreed it must be in America, and hoped the French might be soundly +beaten there. + +I sighed after a while (for I was beginning to melt), and said how much +I longed to be a soldier; on which Nora recurred to her infallible ‘Ah! +now, would you leave me, then? But, sure, you’re not big enough for +anything more than a little drummer.’ To which I replied, by swearing +that a soldier I would be, and a general too. + +As we were chattering in this silly way, we came to a place that has +ever since gone by the name of Redmond’s Leap Bridge. It was an old high +bridge, over a stream sufficiently deep and rocky, and as the mare Daisy +with her double load was crossing this bridge, Miss Nora, giving a loose +to her imagination, and still harping on the military theme (I would lay +a wager that she was thinking of Captain Quin)--Miss Nora said, ‘Suppose +now, Redmond, you, who are such a hero, was passing over the bridge, and +the inimy on the other side?’ + +‘I’d draw my sword, and cut my way through them.’ + +‘What, with me on the pillion? Would you kill poor me?’ (This young lady +was perpetually speaking of ‘poor me!’) + +‘Well, then, I’ll tell you what I’d do. I’d jump Daisy into the river, +and swim you both across, where no enemy could follow us.’ + +‘Jump twenty feet! you wouldn’t dare to do any such thing on Daisy. +There’s the Captain’s horse, Black George, I’ve heard say that Captain +Qui--’ + +She never finished the word, for, maddened by the continual recurrence +of that odious monosyllable, I shouted to her to ‘hold tight by my +waist,’ and, giving Daisy the spur, in a minute sprang with Nora over +the parapet into the deep water below. I don’t know why, now--whether +it was I wanted to drown myself and Nora, or to perform an act that +even Captain Quin should crane at, or whether I fancied that the enemy +actually was in front of us, I can’t tell now; but over I went. The +horse sank over his head, the girl screamed as she sank and screamed as +she rose, and I landed her, half fainting, on the shore, where we were +soon found by my uncle’s people, who returned on hearing the screams. I +went home, and was ill speedily of a fever, which kept me to my bed for +six weeks; and I quitted my couch prodigiously increased in stature, +and, at the same time, still more violently in love than I had been even +before. At the commencement of my illness, Miss Nora had been pretty +constant in her attendance at my bedside, forgetting, for the sake of +me, the quarrel between my mother and her family; which my good mother +was likewise pleased, in the most Christian manner, to forget. And, let +me tell you, it was no small mark of goodness in a woman of her haughty +disposition, who, as a rule, never forgave anybody, for my sake to give +up her hostility to Miss Brady, and to receive her kindly. For, like a +mad boy as I was, it was Nora I was always raving about and asking for; +I would only accept medicines from her hand, and would look rudely and +sulkily upon the good mother, who loved me better than anything else +in the world, and gave up even her favourite habits, and proper and +becoming jealousies, to make me happy. + +As I got well, I saw that Nora’s visits became daily more rare: ‘Why +don’t she come?’ I would say, peevishly, a dozen times in the day; +in reply to which query, Mrs. Barry would be obliged to make the best +excuses she could find,--such as that Nora had sprained her ankle, or +that they had quarrelled together, or some other answer to soothe me. +And many a time has the good soul left me to go and break her heart in +her own room alone, and come back with a smiling face, so that I should +know nothing of her mortification. Nor, indeed, did I take much pains to +ascertain it: nor should I, I fear, have been very much touched even had +I discovered it; for the commencement of manhood, I think, is the period +of our extremest selfishness. We get such a desire then to take wing +and leave the parent nest, that no tears, entreaties, or feelings +of affection will counter-balance this overpowering longing after +independence. She must have been very sad, that poor mother of +mine--Heaven be good to her!--at that period of my life; and has often +told me since what a pang of the heart it was to her to see all her care +and affection of years forgotten by me in a minute, and for the sake of +a little heartless jilt, who was only playing with me while she could +get no better suitor. For the fact is, that during the last four weeks +of my illness, no other than Captain Quin was staying at Castle Brady, +and making love to Miss Nora in form. My mother did not dare to break +this news to me, and you may be sure that Nora herself kept it a secret: +it was only by chance that I discovered it. + +Shall I tell you how? The minx had been to see me one day, as I sat up +in my bed, convalescent; she was in such high spirits, and so gracious +and kind to me, that my heart poured over with joy and gladness, and I +had even for my poor mother a kind word and a kiss that morning. I felt +myself so well that I ate up a whole chicken, and promised my uncle, who +had come to see me, to be ready against partridge-shooting, to accompany +him, as my custom was. + +The next day but one was a Sunday, and I had a project for that day +which I determined to realise, in spite of all the doctor’s and my +mother’s injunctions: which were that I was on no account to leave the +house, for the fresh air would be the death of me. + +Well, I lay wondrous quiet, composing a copy of verses, the first I ever +made in my life; and I give them here, spelt as I spelt them in those +days when I knew no better. And though they are not so polished and +elegant as ‘Ardelia ease a Love-sick Swain,’ and ‘When Sol bedecks the +Daisied Mead,’ and other lyrical effusions of mine which obtained me +so much reputation in after life, I still think them pretty good for a +humble lad of fifteen:-- + +THE ROSE OF FLORA. + +Sent by a Young Gentleman of Quality to Miss Brady, of Castle Brady. + + On Brady’s tower there grows a flower, + It is the loveliest flower that blows,-- + At Castle Brady there lives a lady + (And how I love her no one knows): + Her name is Nora, and the goddess Flora + Presents her with this blooming rose. + +‘O Lady Nora,’ says the goddess Flora, + ‘I’ve many a rich and bright parterre; + In Brady’s towers there’s seven more flowers, + But you’re the fairest lady there: + Not all the county, nor Ireland’s bounty, + Can projuice a treasure that’s half so fair! + + What cheek is redder? sure roses fed her! + Her hair is maregolds, and her eye of blew + Beneath her eyelid is like the vi’let, + That darkly glistens with gentle jew? + The lily’s nature is not surely whiter + Than Nora’s neck is,--and her arrums too. + +‘Come, gentle Nora,’ says the goddess Flora, + ‘My dearest creature, take my advice, + There is a poet, full well you know it, + Who spends his lifetime in heavy sighs,-- + Young Redmond Barry, ‘tis him you’ll marry, + If rhyme and raisin you’d choose likewise.’ + +On Sunday, no sooner was my mother gone to church, than I summoned Phil +the valet, and insisted upon his producing my best suit, in which I +arrayed myself (although I found that I had shot up so in my illness +that the old dress was wofully too small for me), and, with my notable +copy of verses in my hand, ran down towards Castle Brady, bent upon +beholding my beauty. The air was so fresh and bright, and the birds sang +so loud amidst the green trees, that I felt more elated than I had been +for months before, and sprang down the avenue (my uncle had cut down +every stick of the trees, by the way) as brisk as a young fawn. My heart +began to thump as I mounted the grass-grown steps of the terrace, and +passed in by the rickety hall-door. The master and mistress were at +church, Mr. Screw the butler told me (after giving a start back at +seeing my altered appearance, and gaunt lean figure), and so were six of +the young ladies. + +‘Was Miss Nora one?’ I asked. + +‘No, Miss Nora was not one,’ said Mr. Screw, assuming a very puzzled, +and yet knowing look. + +‘Where was she?’ To this question he answered, or rather made believe +to answer, with usual Irish ingenuity, and left me to settle whether she +was gone to Kilwangan on the pillion behind her brother, or whether she +and her sister had gone for a walk, or whether she was ill in her room; +and while I was settling this query, Mr. Screw left me abruptly. + +I rushed away to the back court, where the Castle Brady stables stand, +and there I found a dragoon whistling the ‘Roast Beef of Old England,’ +as he cleaned down a cavalry horse. ‘Whose horse, fellow, is that?’ +cried I. + +‘Feller, indeed!’ replied the Englishman: ‘the horse belongs to my +captain, and he’s a better FELLER nor you any day.’ + +I did not stop to break his bones, as I would on another occasion, for +a horrible suspicion had come across me, and I made for the garden as +quickly as I could. + +I knew somehow what I should see there. I saw Captain Quin and Nora +pacing the alley together. Her arm was under his, and the scoundrel was +fondling and squeezing the hand which lay closely nestling against his +odious waistcoat. Some distance beyond them was Captain Fagan of the +Kilwangan regiment, who was paying court to Nora’s sister Mysie. + +I am not afraid of any man or ghost; but as I saw that sight my knees +fell a-trembling violently under me, and such a sickness came over me, +that I was fain to sink down on the grass by a tree against which I +leaned, and lost almost all consciousness for a minute or two: then +I gathered myself up, and, advancing towards the couple on the walk, +loosened the blade of the little silver-hilted hanger I always wore in +its scabbard; for I was resolved to pass it through the bodies of the +delinquents, and spit them like two pigeons. I don’t tell what feelings +else besides those of rage were passing through my mind; what bitter +blank disappointment, what mad wild despair, what a sensation as if the +whole world was tumbling from under me; I make no doubt that my reader +hath been jilted by the ladies many times, and so bid him recall his own +sensations when the shock first fell upon him. + +‘No, Norelia,’ said the Captain (for it was the fashion of those times +for lovers to call themselves by the most romantic names out of novels), +‘except for you and four others, I vow before all the gods, my heart has +never felt the soft flame!’ + +‘Ah! you men, you men, Eugenio!’ said she (the beast’s name was John), +‘your passion is not equal to ours. We are like--like some plant I’ve +read of--we bear but one flower and then we die!’ + +‘Do you mean you never felt an inclination for another?’ said Captain +Quin. + +‘Never, my Eugenio, but for thee! How can you ask a blushing nymph such +a question?’ + +‘Darling Norelia!’ said he, raising her hand to his lips. + +I had a knot of cherry-coloured ribands, which she had given me out of +her breast, and which somehow I always wore upon me. I pulled these out +of my bosom, and flung them in Captain Quin’s face, and rushed out with +my little sword drawn, shrieking, ‘She’s a liar--she’s a liar, Captain +Quin! Draw, sir, and defend yourself, if you are a man!’ and with these +words I leapt at the monster, and collared him, while Nora made the air +echo with her screams; at the sound of which the other captain and Mysie +hastened up. + +Although I sprang up like a weed in my illness, and was now nearly +attained to my full growth of six feet, yet I was but a lath by the side +of the enormous English captain, who had calves and shoulders such as no +chairman at Bath ever boasted. He turned very red, and then exceedingly +pale at my attack upon him, and slipped back and clutched at his +sword--when Nora, in an agony of terror, flung herself round him, +screaming, ‘Eugenio! Captain Quin, for Heaven’s sake spare the child--he +is but an infant.’ + +‘And ought to be whipped for his impudence,’ said the Captain; ‘but +never fear, Miss Brady, I shall not touch him; your FAVOURITE is safe +from me.’ So saying, he stooped down and picked up the bunch of ribands +which had fallen at Nora’s feet, and handing it to her, said in a +sarcastic tone, ‘When ladies make presents to gentlemen, it is time for +OTHER gentlemen to retire.’ + +‘Good heavens, Quin!’ cried the girl; ‘he is but a boy.’ + +‘I am a man,’ roared I, ‘and will prove it.’ + +‘And don’t signify any more than my parrot or lap-dog. Mayn’t I give a +bit of riband to my own cousin?’ + +‘You are perfectly welcome, miss,’ continued the Captain, ‘as many yards +as you like.’ + +‘Monster!’ exclaimed the dear girl; ‘your father was a tailor, and +you are always thinking of the shop. But I’ll have my revenge, I will! +Reddy, will you see me insulted?’ + +‘Indeed, Miss Nora,’ says I, ‘I intend to have his blood as sure as my +name’s Redmond.’ + +‘I’ll send for the usher to cane you, little boy,’ said the Captain, +regaining his self-possession; ‘but as for you, miss, I have the honour +to wish you a good-day.’ + +He took off his hat with much ceremony, made a low CONGE, and was just +walking off, when Mick, my cousin, came up, whose ear had likewise been +caught by the scream. + +‘Hoity-toity! Jack Quin, what’s the matter here?’ says Mick; ‘Nora in +tears, Redmond’s ghost here with his sword drawn, and you making a bow?’ + +‘I’ll tell you what it is, Mr. Brady,’ said the Englishman: ‘I have had +enough of Miss Nora, here, and your Irish ways. I ain’t used to ‘em, +sir.’ + +‘Well, well! what is it?’ said Mick good-humouredly (for he owed Quin a +great deal of money as it turned out); ‘we’ll make you used to our ways, +or adopt English ones.’ + +‘It’s not the English way for ladies to have two lovers’ (the ‘Henglish +way,’ as the captain called it), ‘and so, Mr. Brady, I’ll thank you +to pay me the sum you owe me, and I’ll resign all claims to this young +lady. If she has a fancy for schoolboys, let her take ‘em, sir.’ + +‘Pooh, pooh! Quin, you are joking,’ said Mick. + +‘I never was more in earnest,’ replied the other. + +‘By Heaven, then, look to yourself!’ shouted Mick. ‘Infamous seducer! +infernal deceiver!--you come and wind your toils round this suffering +angel here--you win her heart and leave her--and fancy her brother won’t +defend her? Draw this minute, you slave! and let me cut the wicked heart +out of your body!’ + +‘This is regular assassination,’ said Quin, starting back; ‘there’s two +on ‘em on me at once. Fagan, you won’t let ‘em murder me?’ + +‘Faith!’ said Captain Fagan, who seemed mightily amused, ‘you may settle +your own quarrel, Captain Quin;’ and coming over to me, whispered, ‘At +him again, you little fellow.’ + +‘As long as Mr. Quin withdraws his claim,’ said I, ‘I, of course, do not +interfere.’ + +‘I do, sir--I do,’ said Mr. Quin, more and more flustered. + +‘Then defend yourself like a man, curse you!’ cried Mick again. ‘Mysie, +lead this poor victim away--Redmond and Fagan will see fair play between +us.’ + +‘Well now--I don’t--give me time--I’m puzzled--I--I don’t know which way +to look.’ + +‘Like the donkey betwixt the two bundles of hay,’ said Mr. Fagan drily, +‘and there’s pretty pickings on either side.’ + + + + +CHAPTER II. I SHOW MYSELF TO BE A MAN OF SPIRIT + +During this dispute, my cousin Nora did the only thing that a lady, +under such circumstances, could do, and fainted in due form. I was in +hot altercation with Mick at the time, or I should have, of course, +flown to her assistance, but Captain Fagan (a dry sort of fellow this +Fagan was) prevented me, saying, ‘I advise you to leave the young +lady to herself, Master Redmond, and be sure she will come to.’ And so +indeed, after a while, she did, which has shown me since that Fagan +knew the world pretty well, for many’s the lady I’ve seen in after times +recover in a similar manner. Quin did not offer to help her, you may be +sure, for, in the midst of the diversion, caused by her screaming, the +faithless bully stole away. + +‘Which of us is Captain Quin to engage?’ said I to Mick; for it was my +first affair, and I was as proud of it as of a suit of laced velvet. ‘Is +it you or I, Cousin Mick, that is to have the honour of chastising this +insolent Englishman?’ And I held out my hand as I spoke, for my heart +melted towards my cousin under the triumph of the moment. + +But he rejected the proffered offer of friendship. ‘You--you!’ said he, +in a towering passion; ‘hang you for a meddling brat: your hand is in +everybody’s pie. What business had you to come brawling and quarrelling +here, with a gentleman who has fifteen hundred a year?’ + +‘Oh,’ gasped Nora, from the stone bench, ‘I shall die: I know I shall. I +shall never leave this spot.’ + +‘The Captain’s not gone yet,’ whispered Fagan; on which Nora, giving him +an indignant look, jumped up and walked towards the house. + +‘Meanwhile,’ Mick continued, ‘what business have you, you meddling +rascal, to interfere with a daughter of this house?’ + +‘Rascal yourself!’ roared I: ‘call me another such name, Mick Brady, and +I’ll drive my hanger into your weasand. Recollect, I stood to you when I +was eleven years old. I’m your match now, and, by Jove, provoke me, and +I’ll beat you like--like your younger brother always did.’ That was a +home-cut, and I saw Mick turn blue with fury. + +‘This is a pretty way to recommend yourself to the family,’ said Fagan, +in a soothing tone. + +‘The girl’s old enough to be his mother,’ growled Mick. + +‘Old or not,’ I replied: ‘you listen to this, Mick Brady’ (and I swore a +tremendous oath, that need not be put down here): ‘the man that marries +Nora Brady must first kill me--do you mind that?’ + +‘Pooh, sir,’ said Mick, turning away, ‘kill you--flog you, you mean! +I’ll send for Nick the huntsman to do it;’ and so he went off. + +Captain Fagan now came up, and taking me kindly by the hand, said I was +a gallant lad, and he liked my spirit. ‘But what Brady says is true,’ +continued he; ‘it’s a hard thing to give a lad counsel who is in such +a far-gone state as you; but, believe me, I know the world, and if you +will but follow my advice, you won’t regret having taken it. Nora Brady +has not a penny; you are not a whit richer. You are but fifteen, and +she’s four-and-twenty. In ten years, when you’re old enough to marry, +she will be an old woman; and, my poor boy, don’t you see--though it’s a +hard matter to see--that she’s a flirt, and does not care a pin for you +or Quin either?’ + +But who in love (or in any other point, for the matter of that) listens +to advice? I never did, and I told Captain Fagan fairly, that Nora might +love me or not as she liked, but that Quin should fight me before he +married her--that I swore. + +‘Faith,’ says Fagan, ‘I think you are a lad that’s likely to keep your +word;’ and, looking hard at me for a second or two, he walked away +likewise, humming a tune: and I saw he looked back at me as he went +through the old gate out of the garden. When he was gone, and I was +quite alone, I flung myself down on the bench where Nora had made +believe to faint, and had left her handkerchief; and, taking it up, hid +my face in it, and burst into such a passion of tears as I would then +have had nobody see for the world. The crumpled riband which I had flung +at Quin lay in the walk, and I sat there for hours, as wretched as any +man in Ireland, I believe, for the time being. But it’s a changeable +world! When we consider how great our sorrows SEEM, and how small they +ARE; how we think we shall die of grief, and how quickly we forget, I +think we ought to be ashamed of ourselves and our fickle-heartedness. +For, after all, what business has time to bring us consolation? I +have not, perhaps, in the course of my multifarious adventures and +experience, hit upon the right woman; and have forgotten, after a +little, every single creature I adored; but I think, if I could but have +lighted on the right one, I would have loved her for EVER. + +I must have sat for some hours bemoaning myself on the garden bench, for +it was morning when I came to Castle Brady, and the dinner-bell +clanged as usual at three o’clock, which wakened me up from my reverie. +Presently I gathered up the handkerchief, and once more took the riband. +As I passed through the offices, I saw the Captain’s saddle was still +hanging up at the stable-door, and saw his odious red-coated brute of +a servant swaggering with the scullion-girls and kitchen-people. ‘The +Englishman’s still there, Master Redmond,’ said one of the maids to me +(a sentimental black-eyed girl, who waited on the young ladies). ‘He’s +there in the parlour, with the sweetest fillet of vale; go in, and don’t +let him browbeat you, Master Redmond.’ + +And in I went, and took my place at the bottom of the big table, as +usual, and my friend the butler speedily brought me a cover. + +‘Hallo, Reddy my boy!’ said my uncle, ‘up and well?--that’s right.’ + +‘He’d better be home with his mother,’ growled my aunt. + +‘Don’t mind her,’ says Uncle Brady; ‘it’s the cold goose she ate at +breakfast didn’t agree with her. Take a glass of spirits, Mrs. Brady, to +Redmond’s health.’ It was evident he did not know of what had happened; +but Mick, who was at dinner too, and Ulick, and almost all the girls, +looked exceedingly black, and the Captain foolish; and Miss Nora, who +was again by his side, ready to cry. Captain Fagan sat smiling; and I +looked on as cold as a stone. I thought the dinner would choke me: but +I was determined to put a good face on it, and when the cloth was drawn, +filled my glass with the rest; and we drank the King and the Church, +as gentlemen should. My uncle was in high good-humour, and especially +always joking with Nora and the Captain. It was, ‘Nora, divide that +merry-thought with the Captain! see who’ll be married first.’ ‘Jack +Quin, my dear boy, never mind a clean glass for the claret, we’re short +of crystal at Castle Brady; take Nora’s and the wine will taste none the +worse;’ and so on. He was in the highest glee,--I did not know why. Had +there been a reconciliation between the faithless girl and her lover +since they had come into the house? + +I learned the truth very soon. At the third toast, it was always the +custom for the ladies to withdraw; but my uncle stopped them this time, +in spite of the remonstrances of Nora, who said, ‘Oh, pa! do let us go!’ +and said, ‘No, Mrs. Brady and ladies, if you plaise; this is a sort of +toast that is drunk a great dale too seldom in my family, and you’ll +plaise to receive it with all the honours. Here’s CAPTAIN AND MRS. +JOHN QUIN, and long life to them. Kiss her, Jack, you rogue: for ‘faith +you’ve got a treasure!’ + +‘He has already ‘----I screeched out, springing up. + +‘Hold your tongue, you fool--hold your tongue!’ said big Ulick, who sat +by me; but I wouldn’t hear. + +‘He has already,’ I screamed, ‘been slapped in the face this morning, +Captain John Quin; he’s already been called coward, Captain John Quin; +and this is the way I’ll drink his health. Here’s your health, Captain +John Quin!’ And I flung a glass of claret into his face. I don’t know +how he looked after it, for the next moment I myself was under the +table, tripped up by Ulick, who hit me a violent cuff on the head as I +went down; and I had hardly leisure to hear the general screaming and +skurrying that was taking place above me, being so fully occupied with +kicks, and thumps, and curses, with which Ulick was belabouring me. ‘You +fool!’ roared he--’ you great blundering marplot--you silly beggarly +brat’ (a thump at each), ‘hold your tongue!’ These blows from Ulick, of +course, I did not care for, for he had always been my friend, and had +been in the habit of thrashing me all my life. + +When I got up from under the table all the ladies were gone; and I had +the satisfaction of seeing the Captain’s nose was bleeding, as mine +was--HIS was cut across the bridge, and his beauty spoiled for ever. +Ulick shook himself, sat down quietly, filled a bumper, and pushed the +bottle to me. ‘There, you young donkey,’ said he, ‘sup that; and let’s +hear no more of your braying.’ + +‘In Heaven’s name, what does all the row mean?’ says my uncle. ‘Is the +boy in the fever again?’ + +‘It’s all your fault,’ said Mick sulkily: ‘yours and those who brought +him here.’ + +‘Hold your noise, Mick!’ says Ulick, turning on him; ‘speak civil of my +father and me, and don’t let me be called upon to teach you manners.’ + +‘It IS your fault,’ repeated Mick. ‘What business has the vagabond here? +If I had my will, I’d have him flogged and turned out.’ + +‘And so he should be,’ said Captain Quin. + +‘You’d best not try it, Quin,’ said Ulick, who was always my champion; +and turning to his father, ‘The fact is, sir, that the young monkey has +fallen in love with Nora, and finding her and the Captain mighty sweet +in the garden to-day, he was for murdering Jack Quin.’ + +‘Gad, he’s beginning young,’ said my uncle, quite good-humouredly. +‘’Faith, Fagan, that boy’s a Brady, every inch of him.’ + +‘And I’ll tell you what, Mr. B.,’ cried Quin, bristling up: ‘I’ve been +insulted grossly in this ‘OUSE. I ain’t at all satisfied with these here +ways of going on. I’m an Englishman I am, and a man of property; and +I--I’--‘If you’re insulted, and not satisfied, remember there’s two of +us, Quin,’ said Ulick gruffly. On which the Captain fell to washing his +nose in water, and answered never a word. + +‘Mr. Quin,’ said I, in the most dignified tone I could assume, ‘may +also have satisfaction any time he pleases, by calling on Redmond Barry, +Esquire, of Barryville.’ At which speech my uncle burst out a-laughing +(as he did at everything); and in this laugh, Captain Fagan, much to my +mortification, joined. I turned rather smartly upon him, however, and +bade him to understand that as for my cousin Ulick, who had been my best +friend through life, I could put up with rough treatment from him; yet, +though I was a boy, even that sort of treatment I would bear from him +no longer; and any other person who ventured on the like would find me a +man, to their cost. ‘Mr. Quin,’ I added, ‘knows that fact very well; and +if HE’S a man, he’ll know where to find me.’ + +My uncle now observed that it was getting late, and that my mother would +be anxious about me. ‘One of you had better go home with him,’ said he, +turning to his sons, ‘or the lad may be playing more pranks.’ But Ulick +said, with a nod to his brother, ‘Both of us ride home with Quin here.’ + +‘I’m not afraid of Freny’s people,’ said the Captain, with a faint +attempt at a laugh; ‘my man is armed, and so am I.’ + +‘You know the use of arms very well, Quin,’ said Ulick; ‘and no one can +doubt your courage; but Mick and I will see you home for all that.’ + +‘Why, you’ll not be home till morning, boys. Kilwangan’s a good ten mile +from here.’ + +‘We’ll sleep at Quin’s quarters,’ replied Ulick: ‘WE’RE GOING TO STOP A +WEEK THERE.’ + +‘Thank you,’ says Quin, very faint; ‘it’s very kind of you.’ + +‘You’ll be lonely, you know, without us.’ + +‘Oh yes, very lonely!’ says Quin. + +‘And in ANOTHER WEEK, my boy,’ says Ulick (and here he whispered +something in the Captain’s ear, in which I thought I caught the words +‘marriage,’ ‘parson,’ and felt all my fury returning again). + +‘As you please,’ whined out the Captain; and the horses were quickly +brought round, and the three gentlemen rode away. + +Fagan stopped, and, at my uncle’s injunction, walked across the old +treeless park with me. He said that after the quarrel at dinner, he +thought I would scarcely want to see the ladies that night, in which +opinion I concurred entirely; and so we went off without an adieu. + +‘A pretty day’s work of it you have made, Master Redmond,’ said +he. ‘What! you a friend to the Bradys, and knowing your uncle to be +distressed for money, try and break off a match which will bring fifteen +hundred a year into the family? Quin has promised to pay off the four +thousand pounds which is bothering your uncle so. He takes a girl +without a penny--a girl with no more beauty than yonder bullock. +Well, well, don’t look furious; let’s say she IS handsome--there’s no +accounting for tastes,--a girl that has been flinging herself at the +head of every man in these parts these ten years past, and MISSING them +all. And you, as poor as herself, a boy of fifteen--well, sixteen, if +you insist--and a boy who ought to be attached to your uncle as to your +father’-- + +‘And so I am,’ said I. + +‘And this is the return you make him for his kindness! Didn’t he harbour +you in his house when you were an orphan, and hasn’t he given you +rent-free your fine mansion of Barryville yonder? And now, when his +affairs can be put into order, and a chance offers for his old age to +be made comfortable, who flings himself in the way of him and +competence?--You, of all others; the man in the world most obliged to +him. It’s wicked, ungrateful, unnatural. From a lad of such spirit as +you are, I expect a truer courage.’ + +‘I am not afraid of any man alive,’ exclaimed I (for this latter part of +the Captain’s argument had rather staggered me, and I wished, of course, +to turn it--as one always should when the enemy’s too strong); ‘and it’s +_I_ am the injured man, Captain Fagan. No man was ever, since the world +began, treated so. Look here--look at this riband. I’ve worn it in +my heart for six months. I’ve had it there all the time of the fever. +Didn’t Nora take it out of her own bosom and give it me? Didn’t she kiss +me when she gave it me, and call me her darling Redmond?’ + +‘She was PRACTISING,’ replied Mr. Fagan, with a sneer. ‘I know women, +sir. Give them time, and let nobody else come to the house, and they’ll +fall in love with a chimney-sweep. There was a young lady in Fermoy’-- + +‘A young lady in flames,’ roared I (but I used a still hotter word). +‘Mark this; come what will of it, I swear I’ll fight the man who +pretends to the hand of Nora Brady. I’ll follow him, if it’s into the +church, and meet him there. I’ll have his blood, or he shall have mine; +and this riband shall be found dyed in it. Yes, and if I kill him, I’ll +pin it on his breast, and then she may go and take back her token.’ This +I said because I was very much excited at the time, and because I had +not read novels and romantic plays for nothing. + +‘Well,’ says Fagan after a pause, ‘if it must be, it must. For a young +fellow, you are the most blood-thirsty I ever saw. Quin’s a determined +fellow, too.’ + +‘Will you take my message to him?’ said I, quite eagerly. + +‘Hush!’ said Fagan: ‘your mother may be on the look-out. Here we are, +close to Barryville.’ + +‘Mind! not a word to my mother,’ I said; and went into the house +swelling with pride and exultation to think that I should have a chance +against the Englishman I hated so. + +Tim, my servant, had come up from Barryville on my mother’s return from +church; for the good lady was rather alarmed at my absence, and anxious +for my return. But he had seen me go in to dinner, at the invitation of +the sentimental lady’s-maid; and when he had had his own share of the +good things in the kitchen, which was always better furnished than ours +at home, had walked back again to inform his mistress where I was, and, +no doubt, to tell her, in his own fashion, of all the events that had +happened at Castle Brady. In spite of my precautions to secrecy, then, +I half suspected that my mother knew all, from the manner in which she +embraced me on my arrival, and received our guest, Captain Fagan. The +poor soul looked a little anxious and flushed, and every now and then +gazed very hard in the Captain’s face; but she said not a word about the +quarrel, for she had a noble spirit, and would as lief have seen anyone +of her kindred hanged as shirking from the field of honour. What has +become of those gallant feelings nowadays? Sixty years ago a man was a +MAN, in old Ireland, and the sword that was worn by his side was at the +service of any gentleman’s gizzard, upon the slightest difference. But +the good old times and usages are fast fading away. One scarcely every +hears of a fair meeting now, and the use of those cowardly pistols, in +place of the honourable and manly weapon of gentlemen, has introduced +a deal of knavery into the practice of duelling, that cannot be +sufficiently deplored. + +When I arrived at home I felt that I was a man in earnest, and welcoming +Captain Fagan to Barryville, and introducing him to my mother, in a +majestic and dignified way, said the Captain must be thirsty after his +walk, and called upon Tim to bring up a bottle of the yellow-sealed +Bordeaux, and cakes and glasses, immediately. + +Tim looked at the mistress in great wonderment: and the fact is, that +six hours previous I would as soon have thought of burning the house +down as calling for a bottle of claret on my own account; but I felt I +was a man now, and had a right to command; and my mother felt this too, +for she turned to the fellow and said, sharply, ‘Don’t you hear, you +rascal, what YOUR MASTER says! Go, get the wine, and the cakes and +glasses, directly.’ Then (for you may be sure she did not give Tim the +keys of our little cellar) she went and got the liquor herself; and Tim +brought it in, on the silver tray, in due form. My dear mother poured +out the wine, and drank the Captain welcome; but I observed her hand +shook very much as she performed this courteous duty, and the bottle +went clink, clink, against the glass. When she had tasted her glass, +she said she had a headache, and would go to bed; and so I asked her +blessing, as becomes a dutiful son--(the modern BLOODS have given up the +respectful ceremonies which distinguished a gentleman in my time)--and +she left me and Captain Fagan to talk over our important business. + +‘Indeed,’ said the Captain,’ I see now no other way out of the scrape +than a meeting. The fact is, there was a talk of it at Castle Brady, +after your attack upon Quin this afternoon, and he vowed that he would +cut you in pieces: but the tears and supplications of Miss Honoria +induced him, though very unwillingly, to relent. Now, however, matters +have gone too far. No officer, bearing His Majesty’s commission, can +receive a glass of wine on his nose--this claret of yours is very good, +by the way, and by your leave we’ll ring for another bottle--without +resenting the affront. Fight you must; and Quin is a huge strong +fellow.’ + +‘He’ll give the better mark,’ said I. ‘I am not afraid of him.’ + +‘In faith,’ said the Captain,’ I believe you are not; for a lad, I never +saw more game in my life.’ + +‘Look at that sword, sir,’ says I, pointing to an elegant silver-mounted +one, in a white shagreen case, that hung on the mantelpiece, under the +picture of my father, Harry Barry. ‘It was with that sword, sir, that my +father pinked Mohawk O’Driscol, in Dublin, in the year 1740; with that +sword, sir, he met Sir Huddlestone Fuddlestone, the Hampshire baronet, +and ran him through the neck. They met on horseback, with sword and +pistol, on Hounslow Heath, as I dare say you have heard tell of, and +those are the pistols’ (they hung on each side of the picture) ‘which +the gallant Barry used. He was quite in the wrong, having insulted Lady +Fuddlestone, when in liquor, at the Brentford assembly. But, like a +gentleman, he scorned to apologise, and Sir Huddlestone received a ball +through his hat, before they engaged with the sword. I am Harry Barry’s +son, sir, and will act as becomes my name and my quality.’ + +‘Give me a kiss, my dear boy,’ said Fagan, with tears in his eyes. +‘You’re after my own soul. As long as Jack Fagan lives you shall never +want a friend or a second.’ + +Poor fellow! he was shot six months afterwards, carrying orders to my +Lord George Sackville, at Minden, and I lost thereby a kind friend. But +we don’t know what is in store for us, and that night was a merry one +at least. We had a second bottle, and a third too (I could hear the poor +mother going downstairs for each, but she never came into the parlour +with them, and sent them in by the butler, Mr. Tim): and we parted +at length, he engaging to arrange matters with Mr. Quin’s second that +night, and to bring me news in the morning as to the place where the +meeting should take place. I have often thought since, how different my +fate might have been, had I not fallen in love with Nora at that early +age; and had I not flung the wine in Quin’s face, and so brought on +the duel. I might have settled down in Ireland but for that (for Miss +Quinlan was an heiress, within twenty miles of us, and Peter Burke, +of Kilwangan, left his daughter Judy L700 a year, and I might have had +either of them, had I waited a few years). But it was in my fate to be +a wanderer, and that battle with Quin sent me on my travels at a very +early age: as you shall hear anon. + +I never slept sounder in my life, though I woke a little earlier than +usual; and you may be sure my first thought was of the event of the day, +for which I was fully prepared. I had ink and pen in my room--had I not +been writing those verses to Nora but the day previous, like a poor fond +fool as I was? And now I sat down and wrote a couple of letters more: +they might be the last, thought I, that I ever should write in my life. +The first was to my mother:-- + +‘Honoured Madam’--I wrote--‘This will not be given you unless I fall by +the hand of Captain Quin, whom I meet this day in the field of honour, +with sword and pistol. If I die, it is as a good Christian and a +gentleman,--how should I be otherwise when educated by such a mother as +you? I forgive all my enemies--I beg your blessing as a dutiful son. +I desire that my mare Nora, which my uncle gave me, and which I called +after the most faithless of her sex, may be returned to Castle Brady, +and beg you will give my silver-hiked hanger to Phil Purcell, the +gamekeeper. Present my duty to my uncle and Ulick, and all the girls of +MY party there. And I remain your dutiful son, + +‘REDMOND BARRY.’ + +To Nora I wrote:-- + +‘This letter will be found in my bosom along with the token you gave me. +It will be dyed in my blood (unless I have Captain Quin’s, whom I +hate, but forgive), and will be a pretty ornament for you on your +marriage-day. Wear it, and think of the poor boy to whom you gave it, +and who died (as he was always ready to do) for your sake. + +‘REDMOND.’ + +These letters being written, and sealed with my father’s great silver +seal of the Barry arms, I went down to breakfast; where my mother was +waiting for me, you may be sure. We did not say a single word about what +was taking place: on the contrary, we talked of anything but that; about +who was at church the day before, and about my wanting new clothes now +I was grown so tall. She said I must have a suit against winter, +if--if--she could afford it. She winced rather at the ‘if,’ Heaven bless +her! I knew what was in her mind. And then she fell to telling me about +the black pig that must be killed, and that she had found the speckled +hen’s nest that morning, whose eggs I liked so, and other such trifling +talk. Some of these eggs were for breakfast, and I ate them with a +good appetite; but in helping myself to salt I spilled it, on which she +started up with a scream. ‘THANK GOD,’ said she, ‘IT’S FALLEN TOWARDS +ME.’ And then, her heart being too full, she left the room. Ah! they +have their faults, those mothers; but are there any other women like +them? + +When she was gone I went to take down the sword with which my father had +vanquished the Hampshire baronet, and, would you believe it?--the brave +woman had tied A NEW RIBAND to the hilt: for indeed she had the courage +of a lioness and a Brady united. And then I took down the pistols, which +were always kept bright and well oiled, and put some fresh flints I +had into the locks, and got balls and powder ready against the Captain +should come. There was claret and a cold fowl put ready for him on the +sideboard, and a case-bottle of old brandy too, with a couple of little +glasses on the silver tray with the Barry arms emblazoned. In after +life, and in the midst of my fortune and splendour, I paid thirty-five +guineas, and almost as much more interest, to the London goldsmith who +supplied my father with that very tray. A scoundrel pawnbroker would +only give me sixteen for it afterwards; so little can we trust the +honour of rascally tradesmen! + +At eleven o’clock Captain Fagan arrived, on horseback, with a mounted +dragoon after him. He paid his compliments to the collation which my +mother’s care had provided for him, and then said, ‘Look ye, Redmond my +boy; this is a silly business. The girl will marry Quin, mark my words; +and as sure as she does you’ll forget her. You are but a boy. Quin is +willing to consider you as such. Dublin’s a fine place, and if you have +a mind to take a ride thither and see the town for a month, here are +twenty guineas at your service. Make Quin an apology, and be off.’ + +‘A man of honour, Mr. Fagan,’ says I, ‘dies, but never apologises. I’ll +see the Captain hanged before I apologise.’ + +‘Then there’s nothing for it but a meeting.’ + +‘My mare is saddled and ready,’ says I; ‘where’s the meeting, and who’s +the Captain’s second?’ + +‘Your cousins go out with him,’ answered Mr. Fagan. + +‘I’ll ring for my groom to bring my mare round,’ I said, ‘as soon as you +have rested yourself.’ Tim was accordingly despatched for Nora, and I +rode away, but I didn’t take leave of Mrs. Barry. The curtains of +her bedroom windows were down, and they didn’t move as we mounted and +trotted off... BUT TWO HOURS AFTERWARDS, you should have seen her as she +came tottering downstairs, and heard the scream which she gave as she +hugged her boy to her heart, quite unharmed and without a wound in his +body. + +What had taken place I may as well tell here. When we got to the ground, +Ulick, Mick, and the Captain were already there: Quin, flaming in red +regimentals, as big a monster as ever led a grenadier company. The party +were laughing together at some joke of one or the other: and I must say +I thought this laughter very unbecoming in my cousins, who were met, +perhaps, to see the death of one of their kindred. + +‘I hope to spoil this sport,’ says I to Captain Fagan, in a great rage, +‘and trust to see this sword of mine in yonder big bully’s body.’ + +‘Oh! it’s with pistols we fight,’ replied Mr. Fagan. ‘You are no match +for Quin with the sword.’ + +‘I’ll match any man with the sword,’ said I. + +‘But swords are to-day impossible; Captain Quin is--is lame. He knocked +his knee against the swinging park-gate last night, as he was riding +home, and can scarce move it now.’ + +‘Not against Castle Brady gate,’ says I: ‘that has been off the hinges +these ten years.’ On which Fagan said it must have been some other +gate, and repeated what he had said to Mr. Quin and my cousins, when, on +alighting from our horses, we joined and saluted those gentlemen. + +‘Oh yes! dead lame,’ said Ulick, coming to shake me by the hand, while +Captain Quin took off his hat and turned extremely red. ‘And very lucky +for you, Redmond my boy,’ continued Ulick; ‘you were a dead man else; +for he is a devil of a fellow--isn’t he, Fagan?’ + +‘A regular Turk,’ answered Fagan; adding, ‘I never yet knew the man who +stood to Captain Quin.’ + +‘Hang the business!’ said Ulick; ‘I hate it. I’m ashamed of it. Say +you’re sorry, Redmond: you can easily say that.’ + +‘If the young FELLER will go to DUBLING, as proposed’--here interposed +Mr. Quin. + +‘I am NOT sorry--I’ll NOT apologise--and I’ll as soon go to DUBLING as +to--!’ said I, with a stamp of my foot. + +‘There’s nothing else for it,’ said Ulick with a laugh to Fagan. ‘Take +your ground, Fagan,--twelve paces, I suppose?’ + +‘Ten, sir,’ said Mr. Quin, in a big voice; ‘and make them short ones, do +you hear, Captain Fagan?’ + +‘Don’t bully, Mr. Quin,’ said Ulick surlily; ‘here are the pistols.’ And +he added, with some emotion, to me, ‘God bless you, my boy; and when I +count three, fire.’ + +Mr. Fagan put my pistol into my hand,--that is, not one of mine (which +were to serve, if need were, for the next round), but one of Ulick’s. +‘They are all right,’ said he. ‘Never fear: and, Redmond, fire at his +neck--hit him there under the gorget. See how the fool shows himself +open.’ Mick, who had never spoken a word, Ulick, and the Captain retired +to one side, and Ulick gave the signal. It was slowly given, and I had +leisure to cover my man well. I saw him changing colour and trembling as +the numbers were given. At ‘three,’ both our pistols went off. I heard +something whizz by me, and my antagonist, giving a most horrible groan, +staggered backwards and fell. + +‘He’s down--he’s down!’ cried the seconds, running towards him. Ulick +lifted him up--Mick took his head. + +‘He’s hit here, in the neck,’ said Mick; and laying open his coat, blood +was seen gurgling from under his gorget, at the very spot at which I +aimed. + +‘How is it with you?’ said Ulick. ‘Is he really hit?’ said he, looking +hard at him. The unfortunate man did not answer, but when the support +of Ulick’s arm was withdrawn from his back, groaned once more, and fell +backwards. + +‘The young fellow has begun well,’ said Mick, with a scowl. ‘You had +better ride off, young sir, before the police are up. They had wind of +the business before we left Kilwangan.’ + +‘Is he quite dead?’ said I. + +‘Quite dead,’ answered Mick. + +‘Then the world’s rid of A COWARD,’ said Captain Fagan, giving the huge +prostrate body a scornful kick with his foot. ‘It’s all over with him, +Reddy,--he doesn’t stir.’ + +‘WE are not cowards, Fagan,’ said Ulick roughly, ‘whatever he was! Let’s +get the boy off as quick as we may. Your man shall go for a cart, and +take away the body of this unhappy gentleman. This has been a sad day’s +work for our family, Redmond Barry: you have robbed us of 1500(pounds) a +year.’ + +‘It was Nora did it,’ said I; ‘not I.’ And I took the riband she gave me +out of my waistcoat, and the letter, and flung them down on the body of +Captain Quin. ‘There!’ says I--‘take her those ribands. She’ll know what +they mean: and that’s all that’s left to her of two lovers she had and +ruined.’ + +I did not feel any horror or fear, young as I was, in seeing my enemy +prostrate before me; for I knew that I had met and conquered him +honourably in the field, as became a man of my name and blood. + +‘And now, in Heaven’s name, get the youngster out of the way,’ said +Mick. + +Ulick said he would ride with me, and off accordingly we galloped, never +drawing bridle till we came to my mother’s door. When there, Ulick told +Tim to feed my mare, as I would have far to ride that day; and I was in +the poor mother’s arms in a minute. + +I need not tell how great were her pride and exultation when she heard +from Ulick’s lips the account of my behaviour at the duel. He urged, +however, that I should go into hiding for a short time; and it was +agreed between them that I should drop my name of Barry, and, taking +that of Redmond, go to Dublin, and there wait until matters were blown +over. This arrangement was not come to without some discussion; for why +should I not be as safe at Barryville, she said, as my cousin and Ulick +at Castle Brady?--bailiffs and duns never got near THEM; why should +constables be enabled to come upon me? But Ulick persisted in the +necessity of my instant departure; in which argument, as I was anxious +to see the world, I must confess, I sided with him; and my mother was +brought to see that in our small house at Barryville, in the midst of +the village, and with the guard but of a couple of servants, escape +would be impossible. So the kind soul was forced to yield to my cousin’s +entreaties, who promised her, however, that the affair would soon be +arranged, and that I should be restored to her. Ah! how little did he +know what fortune was in store for me! + +My dear mother had some forebodings, I think, that our separation was +to be a long one; for she told me that all night long she had been +consulting the cards regarding my fate in the duel: and that all the +signs betokened a separation; then, taking out a stocking from her +escritoire, the kind soul put twenty guineas in a purse for me (she had +herself but twenty-five), and made up a little valise, to be placed +at the back of my mare, in which were my clothes, linen, and a silver +dressing-case of my father’s. She bade me, too, to keep the sword and +the pistols I had known to use so like a man. She hurried my departure +now (though her heart, I know, was full), and almost in half-an-hour +after my arrival at home I was once more on the road again, with the +wide world as it were before me. I need not tell how Tim and the cook +cried at my departure: and, mayhap, I had a tear or two myself in my +eyes; but no lad of sixteen is VERY sad who has liberty for the first +time, and twenty guineas in his pocket: and I rode away, thinking, I +confess, not so much of the kind mother left alone, and of the home +behind me, as of to-morrow, and all the wonders it would bring. + + + + +CHAPTER III. A FALSE START IN THE GENTEEL WORLD + +I rode that night as far as Carlow, where I lay at the best inn; and +being asked what was my name by the landlord of the house, gave it as +Mr. Redmond, according to my cousin’s instructions, and said I was of +the Redmonds of Waterford county, and was on my road to Trinity +College, Dublin, to be educated there. Seeing my handsome appearance, +silver-hiked sword, and well-filled valise, my landlord made free to +send up a jug of claret without my asking; and charged, you may be sure, +pretty handsomely for it in the bill. No gentleman in those good old +days went to bed without a good share of liquor to set him sleeping, and +on this my first day’s entrance into the world, I made a point to act +the fine gentleman completely; and, I assure you, succeeded in my part +to admiration. The excitement of the events of the day, the quitting my +home, the meeting with Captain Quin, were enough to set my brains in a +whirl, without the claret; which served to finish me completely. I did +not dream of the death of Quin, as some milksops, perhaps, would have +done; indeed, I have never had any of that foolish remorse consequent +upon any of my affairs of honour: always considering, from the first, +that where a gentleman risks his own life in manly combat, he is a fool +to be ashamed because he wins. I slept at Carlow as sound as man could +sleep; drank a tankard of small beer and a toast to my breakfast; and +exchanged the first of my gold pieces to settle the bill, not forgetting +to pay all the servants liberally, and as a gentleman should. I began +so the first day of my life, and so have continued. No man has been +at greater straits than I, and has borne more pinching poverty and +hardship; but nobody can say of me that, if I had a guinea, I was not +free-handed with it, and did not spend it as well as a lord could do. + +I had no doubts of the future: thinking that a man of my person, parts, +and courage, could make his way anywhere. Besides, I had twenty gold +guineas in my pocket; a sum which (although I was mistaken) I calculated +would last me for four months at least, during which time something +would be done towards the making of my fortune. So I rode on, singing +to myself, or chatting with the passers-by; and all the girls along the +road said God save me for a clever gentleman! As for Nora and Castle +Brady, between to-day and yesterday there seemed to be a gap as of +half-a-score of years. I vowed I would never re-enter the place but as a +great man; and I kept my vow too, as you shall hear in due time. + +There was much more liveliness and bustle on the king’s highroad in +those times, than in these days of stage-coaches, which carry you from +one end of the kingdom to another in a few score hours. The gentry rode +their own horses or drove in their own coaches, and spent three days +on a journey which now occupies ten hours; so that there was no lack +of company for a person travelling towards Dublin. I made part of +the journey from Carlow towards Naas with a well-armed gentleman from +Kilkenny, dressed in green and a gold cord, with a patch on his eye, and +riding a powerful mare. He asked me the question of the day, and whither +I was bound, and whether my mother was not afraid on account of the +highwaymen to let one so young as myself to travel? But I said, pulling +out one of them from a holster, that I had a pair of good pistols that +had already done execution, and were ready to do it again; and here, a +pock-marked man coming up, he put spurs into his bay mare and left me. +She was a much more powerful animal than mine; and, besides, I did not +wish to fatigue my horse, wishing to enter Dublin that night, and in +reputable condition. + +As I rode towards Kilcullen, I saw a crowd of the peasant-people +assembled round a one-horse chair, and my friend in green, as I thought, +making off half a mile up the hill. A footman was howling ‘Stop thief!’ +at the top of his voice; but the country fellows were only laughing at +his distress, and making all sorts of jokes at the adventure which had +just befallen. + +‘Sure you might have kept him off with your blunderBUSH!’ says one +fellow. + +‘Oh, the coward! to let the Captain BATE you; and he only one eye!’ +cries another. + +‘The next time my Lady travels, she’d better lave you at home!’ said a +third. + +‘What is this noise, fellows?’ said I, riding up amongst them, and, +seeing a lady in the carriage very pale and frightened, gave a slash of +my whip, and bade the red-shanked ruffians keep off. ‘What has happened, +madam, to annoy your Ladyship?’ I said, pulling off my hat, and bringing +my mare up in a prance to the chair window. + +The lady explained. She was the wife of Captain Fitzsimons, and was +hastening to join the Captain at Dublin. Her chair had been stopped by a +highway-man: the great oaf of a servant-man had fallen down on his knees +armed as he was; and though there were thirty people in the next field +working when the ruffian attacked her, not one of them would help her; +but, on the contrary, wished the Captain, as they called the highwayman, +good luck. + +‘Sure he’s the friend of the poor,’ said one fellow, ‘and good luck to +him!’ + +‘Was it any business of ours?’ asked another. And another told, +grinning, that it was the famous Captain Freny, who, having bribed the +jury to acquit him two days back at Kilkenny assizes, had mounted his +horse at the gaol door, and the very next day had robbed two barristers +who were going the circuit. + +I told this pack of rascals to be off to their work, or they should +taste of my thong, and proceeded, as well as I could, to comfort Mrs. +Fitzsimons under her misfortunes. ‘Had she lost much?’ ‘Everything: her +purse, containing upwards of a hundred guineas; her jewels, snuff-boxes, +watches, and a pair of diamond shoe-buckles of the Captain’s.’ These +mishaps I sincerely commiserated; and knowing her by her accent to be +an Englishwoman, deplored the difference that existed between the +two countries, and said that in OUR country (meaning England) such +atrocities were unknown. + +‘You, too, are an Englishman?’ said she, with rather a tone of surprise. +On which I said I was proud to be such: as, in fact, I was; and I never +knew a true Tory gentleman of Ireland who did not wish he could say as +much. + +I rode by Mrs. Fitzsimon’s chair all the way to Naas; and, as she had +been robbed of her purse, asked permission to lend her a couple of +pieces to pay her expenses at the inn: which sum she was graciously +pleased to accept, and was, at the same time, kind enough to invite +me to share her dinner. To the lady’s questions regarding my birth and +parentage, I replied that I was a young gentleman of large fortune (this +was not true; but what is the use of crying bad fish? my dear mother +instructed me early in this sort of prudence) and good family in the +county of Waterford; that I was going to Dublin for my studies, and that +my mother allowed me five hundred per annum. Mrs. Fitzsimons was equally +communicative. She was the daughter of General Granby Somerset of +Worcestershire, of whom, of course, I had heard (and though I had not, +of course I was too well-bred to say so); and had made, as she must +confess, a runaway match with Ensign Fitzgerald Fitzsimons. Had I been +in Donegal?--No! That was a pity. The Captain’s father possesses a +hundred thousand acres there, and Fitzsimonsburgh Castle’s the finest +mansion in Ireland. Captain Fitzsimons is the eldest son; and, though he +has quarrelled with his father, must inherit the vast property. She went +on to tell me about the balls at Dublin, the banquets at the Castle, the +horse-races at the Phoenix, the ridottos and routs, until I became quite +eager to join in those pleasures; and I only felt grieved to think that +my position would render secrecy necessary, and prevent me from being +presented at the Court, of which the Fitzsimonses were the most elegant +ornaments. How different was her lively rattle to that of the vulgar +wenches at the Kilwangan assemblies! In every sentence she mentioned a +lord or a person of quality. She evidently spoke French and Italian, of +the former of which languages I have said I knew a few words; and, as +for her English accent, why, perhaps I was no judge of that, for, to +say the truth, she was the first REAL English person I had ever met. She +recommended me, further, to be very cautious with regard to the company +I should meet at Dublin, where rogues and adventurers of all countries +abounded; and my delight and gratitude to her may be imagined, when, as +our conversation grew more intimate (as we sat over our dessert), she +kindly offered to accommodate me with lodgings in her own house, where +her Fitzsimons, she said, would welcome with delight her gallant young +preserver. + +‘Indeed, madam,’ said I, ‘I have preserved nothing for you.’ Which was +perfectly true; for had I not come up too late after the robbery to +prevent the highwayman from carrying off her money and pearls? + +‘And sure, ma’am, them wasn’t much,’ said Sullivan, the blundering +servant, who had been so frightened at Freny’s approach, and was waiting +on us at dinner. ‘Didn’t he return you the thirteenpence in copper, and +the watch, saying it was only pinch-beck?’ + +But his lady rebuked him for a saucy varlet, and turned him out of the +room at once, saying to me when he had gone, ‘that the fool didn’t +know what was the meaning of a hundred-pound bill, which was in the +pocket-book that Freny took from her.’ + +Perhaps had I been a little older in the world’s experience, I should +have begun to see that Madam Fitzsimons was not the person of fashion +she pretended to be; but, as it was, I took all her stories for truth, +and, when the landlord brought the bill for dinner, paid it with the air +of a lord. Indeed, she made no motion to produce the two pieces I had +lent to her; and so we rode on slowly towards Dublin, into which city we +made our entrance at nightfall. The rattle and splendour of the coaches, +the flare of the linkboys, the number and magnificence of the houses, +struck me with the greatest wonder; though I was careful to disguise +this feeling, according to my dear mother’s directions, who told me that +it was the mark of a man of fashion never to wonder at anything, and +never to admit that any house, equipage, or company he saw, was more +splendid or genteel than what he had been accustomed to at home. + +We stopped, at length, at a house of rather mean appearance, and were +let into a passage by no means so clean as that at Barryville, where +there was a great smell of supper and punch. A stout red-faced man, +without a periwig, and in rather a tattered nightgown and cap, made his +appearance from the parlour, and embraced his lady (for it was Captain +Fitzsimons) with a great deal of cordiality. Indeed, when he saw that a +stranger accompanied her, he embraced her more rapturously than ever. +In introducing me, she persisted in saying that I was her preserver, and +complimented my gallantry as much as if I had killed Freny, instead +of coming up when the robbery was over. The Captain said he knew the +Redmonds of Waterford intimately well: which assertion alarmed me, as I +knew nothing of the family to which I was stated to belong. But I posed +him, by asking WHICH of the Redmonds he knew, for I had never heard his +name in our family. He said he knew the Redmonds of Redmondstown. ‘Oh,’ +says I, ‘mine are the Redmonds of Castle Redmond;’ and so I put him off +the scent. I went to see my nag put up at a livery-stable hard by, with +the Captain’s horse and chair, and returned to my entertainer. + +Although there were the relics of some mutton-chops and onions on a +cracked dish before him, the Captain said, ‘My love, I wish I had known +of your coming, for Bob Moriarty and I just finished the most delicious +venison pasty, which his Grace the Lord Lieutenant sent us, with a +flask of Sillery from his own cellar. You know the wine, my dear? But as +bygones are bygones, and no help for them, what say ye to a fine lobster +and a bottle of as good claret as any in Ireland? Betty, clear these +things from the table, and make the mistress and our young friend +welcome to our home.’ + +Not having small change, Mr. Fitzsimons asked me to lend him a +tenpenny-piece to purchase the dish of lobsters; but his lady, handing +out one of the guineas I had given her, bade the girl get the change +for that, and procure the supper; which she did presently, bringing back +only a very few shillings out of the guinea to her mistress, saying that +the fishmonger had kept the remainder for an old account. ‘And the more +great big blundering fool you, for giving the gold piece to him,’ roared +Mr. Fitzsimons. I forget how many hundred guineas he said he had paid +the fellow during the year. + +Our supper was seasoned, if not by any great elegance, at least by a +plentiful store of anecdotes, concerning the highest personages of the +city; with whom, according to himself, the Captain lived on terms of +the utmost intimacy. Not to be behindhand with him, I spoke of my own +estates and property as if I was as rich as a duke. I told all the +stories of the nobility I had ever heard from my mother, and some that, +perhaps, I had invented; and ought to have been aware that my host +was an impostor himself, as he did not find out my own blunders and +misstatements. But youth is ever too confident. It was some time +before I knew that I had made no very desirable acquaintance in Captain +Fitzsimons and his lady; and, indeed, went to bed congratulating myself +upon my wonderful good luck in having, at the outset of my adventures, +fallen in with so distinguished a couple. + +The appearance of the chamber I occupied might, indeed, have led me to +imagine that the heir of Fitzsimonsburgh Castle, county Donegal, was not +as yet reconciled with his wealthy parents; and, had I been an English +lad, probably my suspicion and distrust would have been aroused +instantly. But perhaps, as the reader knows, we are not so particular in +Ireland on the score of neatness as people are in this precise country; +hence the disorder of my bedchamber did not strike me so much. For were +not all the windows broken and stuffed with rags even at Castle Brady, +my uncle’s superb mansion? Was there ever a lock to the doors there, or +if a lock, a handle to the lock or a hasp to fasten it to? So, though +my bedroom boasted of these inconveniences, and a few more; though my +counterpane was evidently a greased brocade dress of Mrs. Fitzsimons’s, +and my cracked toilet-glass not much bigger than a half-crown, yet I was +used to this sort of ways in Irish houses, and still thought myself in +that of a man of fashion. There was no lock to the drawers, which, when +they DID open, were full of my hostess’s rouge-pots, shoes, stays, and +rags; so I allowed my wardrobe to remain in my valise, but set out my +silver dressing-apparatus upon the ragged cloth on the drawers, where it +shone to great advantage. + +When Sullivan appeared in the morning, I asked him about my mare, +which he informed me was doing well. I then bade him bring me hot +shaving-water, in a loud dignified tone. + +‘Hot shaving-water!’ says he, bursting out laughing (and I confess not +without reason). ‘Is it yourself you’re going to shave?’ said he. ‘And +maybe when I bring you up the water I’ll bring you up the cat too, and +you can shave her.’ I flung a boot at the scoundrel’s head in reply +to this impertinence, and was soon with my friends in the parlour for +breakfast. There was a hearty welcome, and the same cloth that had +been used the night before: as I recognised by the black mark of the +Irish-stew dish, and the stain left by a pot of porter at supper. + +My host greeted me with great cordiality; Mrs. Fitzsimons said I was an +elegant figure for the Phoenix; and indeed, without vanity, I may say of +myself that there were worse-looking fellows in Dublin than I. I had not +the powerful chest and muscular proportion which I have since attained +(to be exchanged, alas! for gouty legs and chalk-stones in my fingers; +but ‘tis the way of mortality), but I had arrived at near my present +growth of six feet, and with my hair in buckle, a handsome lace jabot +and wristbands to my shirt, and a red plush waistcoat, barred with gold, +looked the gentleman I was born. I wore my drab coat with plate +buttons, that was grown too small for me, and quite agreed with Captain +Fitzsimons that I must pay a visit to his tailor, in order to procure +myself a coat more fitting my size. + +‘I needn’t ask whether you had a comfortable bed,’ said he. ‘Young Fred +Pimpleton (Lord Pimpleton’s second son) slept in it for seven months, +during which he did me the honour to stay with me, and if HE was +satisfied, I don’t know who else wouldn’t be.’ + +After breakfast we walked out to see the town, and Mr. Fitzsimons +introduced me to several of his acquaintances whom we met, as his +particular young friend Mr. Redmond, of Waterford county; he also +presented me at his hatter’s and tailor’s as a gentleman of great +expectations and large property; and although I told the latter that I +should not pay him ready cash for more than one coat, which fitted me to +a nicety, yet he insisted upon making me several, which I did not care +to refuse. The Captain, also, who certainly wanted such a renewal of +raiment, told the tailor to send him home a handsome military frock, +which he selected. + +Then we went home to Mrs. Fitzsimons, who drove out in her chair to the +Phoenix Park, where a review was, and where numbers of the young gentry +were round about her; to all of whom she presented me as her preserver +of the day before. Indeed, such was her complimentary account of me, +that before half-an-hour I had got to be considered as a young gentleman +of the highest family in the land, related to all the principal +nobility, a cousin of Captain Fitzsimons, and heir to L10,000 a year. +Fitzsimons said he had ridden over every inch of my estate; and +‘faith, as he chose to tell these stories for me, I let him have his +way--indeed, was not a little pleased (as youth is) to be made much of, +and to pass for a great personage. I had little notion then that I +had got among a set of impostors--that Captain Fitzsimons was only an +adventurer, and his lady a person of no credit; but such are the dangers +to which youth is perpetually subject, and hence let young men take +warning by me. + +I purposely hurry over the description of my life in which the incidents +were painful, of no great interest except to my unlucky self, and of +which my companions were certainly not of a kind befitting my quality. +The fact was, a young man could hardly have fallen into worse hands than +those in which I now found myself. I have been to Donegal since, +and have never seen the famous Castle of Fitzsimonsburgh, which is, +likewise, unknown to the oldest inhabitants of that county; nor are the +Granby Somersets much better known in Worcestershire. The couple into +whose hands I had fallen were of a sort much more common then than at +present, for the vast wars of later days have rendered it very difficult +for noblemen’s footmen or hangers-on to procure commissions; and such, +in fact, had been the original station of Captain Fitzsimons. Had +I known his origin, of course I would have died rather than have +associated with him: but in those simple days of youth I took his tales +for truth, and fancied myself in high luck at being, at my outset into +life, introduced into such a family. Alas! we are the sport of destiny. +When I consider upon what small circumstances all the great events of my +life have turned, I can hardly believe myself to have been anything +but a puppet in the hands of Fate; which has played its most fantastic +tricks upon me. + +The Captain had been a gentleman’s gentleman, and his lady of no higher +rank. The society which this worthy pair kept was at a sort of ordinary +which they held, and at which their friends were always welcome on +payment of a certain moderate sum for their dinner. After dinner, you +may be sure that cards were not wanting, and that the company who played +did not play for love merely. To these parties persons of all sorts +would come: young bloods from the regiments garrisoned in Dublin: young +clerks from the Castle; horse-riding, wine-tippling, watchman-beating +men of fashion about town, such as existed in Dublin in that day more +than in any other city with which I am acquainted in Europe. I never +knew young fellows make such a show, and upon such small means. I never +knew young gentlemen with what I may call such a genius for idleness; +and whereas an Englishman with fifty guineas a year is not able to do +much more than starve, and toil like a slave in a profession, a young +Irish buck with the same sum will keep his horses, and drink his bottle, +and live as lazy as a lord. Here was a doctor who never had a patient, +cheek by jowl with an attorney who never had a client: neither had +a guinea--each had a good horse to ride in the Park, and the best of +clothes to his back. A sporting clergyman without a living; several +young wine-merchants, who consumed much more liquor than they had or +sold; and men of similar character, formed the society at the house +into which, by ill luck, I was thrown. What could happen to a man but +misfortune from associating with such company?--(I have not mentioned +the ladies of the society, who were, perhaps, no better than the +males)--and in a very very short time I became their prey. + +As for my poor twenty guineas, in three days I saw, with terror, that +they had dwindled down to eight: theatres and taverns having already +made such cruel inroads in my purse. At play I had lost, it is true, a +couple of pieces; but seeing that every one round about me played upon +honour and gave their bills, I, of course, preferred that medium to the +payment of ready money, and when I lost paid on account. + +With the tailors, saddlers, and others, I employed similar means; and +in so far Mr. Fitzsimons’s representation did me good, for the tradesmen +took him at his word regarding my fortune (I have since learned that the +rascal pigeoned several other young men of property), and for a little +time supplied me with any goods I might be pleased to order. At length, +my cash running low, I was compelled to pawn some of the suits with +which the tailor had provided me; for I did not like to part with my +mare, on which I daily rode in the Park, and which I loved as the +gift of my respected uncle. I raised some little money, too, on a few +trinkets which I had purchased of a jeweller who pressed his credit upon +me; and thus was enabled to keep up appearances for yet a little time. + +I asked at the post-office repeatedly for letters for Mr. Redmond, but +none such had arrived; and, indeed, I always felt rather relieved when +the answer of ‘No’ was given to me; for I was not very anxious that my +mother should know my proceedings in the extravagant life which I was +leading at Dublin. It could not last very long, however; for when my +cash was quite exhausted, and I paid a second visit to the tailor, +requesting him to make me more clothes, the fellow hummed and ha’d, and +had the impudence to ask payment for those already supplied: on which, +telling him I should withdraw my custom from him, I abruptly left him. +The goldsmith too (a rascal Jew) declined to let me take a gold chain +to which I had a fancy; and I felt now, for the first time, in some +perplexity. To add to it, one of the young gentlemen who frequented Mr. +Fitzsimons’s boarding-house had received from me, in the way of play, +an IOU for eighteen pounds (which I lost to him at piquet), and which, +owing Mr. Curbyn, the livery-stable keeper, a bill, he passed into that +person’s hands. Fancy my rage and astonishment, then, on going for my +mare, to find that he positively refused to let me have her out of the +stable, except under payment of my promissory note! It was in vain that +I offered him his choice of four notes that I had in my pocket--one of +Fitzsimons’s for L20, one of Counsellor Mulligan’s, and so forth; the +dealer, who was a Yorkshireman, shook his head, and laughed at every one +of them; and said, ‘I tell you what, Master Redmond, you appear a young +fellow of birth and fortune, and let me whisper in your ear that you +have fallen into very bad hands--it’s a regular gang of swindlers; and a +gentleman of your rank and quality should never be seen in such company. +Go home: pack up your valise, pay the little trifle to me, mount your +mare, and ride back again to your parents,--it’s the very best thing you +can do.’ + +In a pretty nest of villains, indeed, was I plunged! It seemed as if +all my misfortunes were to break on me at once; for, on going home and +ascending to my bedroom in a disconsolate way, I found the Captain +and his lady there before me, my valise open, my wardrobe lying on the +ground, and my keys in the possession of the odious Fitzsimons. ‘Whom +have I been harbouring in my house?’ roared he, as I entered the +apartment. ‘Who are you, sirrah?’ + +‘SIRRAH! Sir,’ said I, ‘I am as good a gentleman as any in Ireland.’ + +‘You’re an impostor, young man: a schemer, a deceiver!’ shouted the +Captain. + +‘Repeat the words again, and I will run you through the body,’ replied +I. + +‘Tut, tut! I can play at fencing as well as you, Mr. REDMOND BARRY. Ah! +you change colour, do you--your secret is known, is it? You come like a +viper into the bosom of innocent families; you represent yourself as the +heir of my friends the Redmonds of Castle Redmond; I inthrojuice you to +the nobility and genthry of this methropolis’ (the Captain’s brogue was +large, and his words, by preference, long); ‘I take you to my tradesmen, +who give you credit, and what do I find? That you have pawned the goods +which you took up at their houses.’ + +‘I have given them my acceptances, sir,’ said I with a dignified air. + +‘UNDER WHAT NAME, unhappy boy--under what name?’ screamed Mrs. +Fitzsimons; and then, indeed, I remembered that I had signed the +documents Barry Redmond instead of Redmond Barry: but what else could +I do? Had not my mother desired me to take no other designation? After +uttering a furious tirade against me, in which he spoke of the fatal +discovery of my real name on my linen--of his misplaced confidence of +affection, and the shame with which he should be obliged to meet his +fashionable friends and confess that he had harboured a swindler, he +gathered up the linen, clothes, silver toilet articles, and the rest of +my gear, saying that he should step out that moment for an officer and +give me up to the just revenge of the law. + +During the first part of his speech, the thought of the imprudence of +which I had been guilty, and the predicament in which I was plunged, had +so puzzled and confounded me, that I had not uttered a word in reply to +the fellow’s abuse, but had stood quite dumb before him. The sense of +danger, however, at once roused me to action. ‘Hark ye, Mr. Fitzsimons,’ +said I; ‘I will tell you why I was obliged to alter my name: which is +Barry, and the best name in Ireland. I changed it, sir, because, on +the day before I came to Dublin, I killed a man in deadly combat--an +Englishman, sir, and a captain in His Majesty’s service; and if you +offer to let or hinder me in the slightest way, the same arm which +destroyed him is ready to punish you; and by Heaven, sir, you or I don’t +leave this room alive!’ + +So saying, I drew my sword like lightning, and giving a ‘ha! ha!’ and +a stamp with my foot, lunged within an inch of Fitzsimons’s heart, who +started back and turned deadly pale, while his wife, with a scream, +flung herself between us. + +‘Dearest Redmond,’ she cried, ‘be pacified. Fitzsimons, you don’t want +the poor child’s blood. Let him escape--in Heaven’s name let him go.’ + +‘He may go hang for me,’ said Fitzsimons sulkily; ‘and he’d better be +off quickly, too, for the jeweller and the tailor have called once, +and will be here again before long. It was Moses the pawnbroker that +peached: I had the news from him myself.’ By which I conclude that Mr. +Fitzsimons had been with the new laced frock-coat which he procured from +the merchant tailor on the day when the latter first gave me credit. + +What was the end of our conversation? Where was now a home for the +descendant of the Barrys? Home was shut to me by my misfortune in the +duel. I was expelled from Dublin by a persecution occasioned, I must +confess, by my own imprudence. I had no time to wait and choose: no +place of refuge to fly to. Fitzsimons, after his abuse of me, left the +room growling, but not hostile; his wife insisted that we should shake +hands, and he promised not to molest me. Indeed, I owed the fellow +nothing; and, on the contrary, had his acceptance actually in my pocket +for money lost at play. As for my friend Mrs. Fitzsimons, she sat down +on the bed and fairly burst out crying. She had her faults, but her +heart was kind; and though she possessed but three shillings in the +world, and fourpence in copper, the poor soul made me take it before +I left her--to go--whither? My mind was made up: there was a score of +recruiting-parties in the town beating up for men to join our gallant +armies in America and Germany; I knew where to find one of these, having +stood by the sergeant at a review in the Phoenix Park, where he pointed +out to me characters on the field, for which I treated him to drink. + +I gave one of my shillings to Sullivan the butler of the Fitzsimonses, +and, running into the street, hastened to the little alehouse at which +my acquaintance was quartered, and before ten minutes had accepted His +Majesty’s shilling. I told him frankly that I was a young gentleman in +difficulties; that I had killed an officer in a duel, and was anxious +to get out of the country. But I need not have troubled myself with any +explanations; King George was too much in want of men then to heed from +whence they came, and a fellow of my inches, the sergeant said, was +always welcome. Indeed, I could not, he said, have chosen my time +better. A transport was lying at Dunleary, waiting for a wind, and on +board that ship, to which I marched that night, I made some surprising +discoveries, which shall be told in the next chapter. + + + + +CHAPTER IV. IN WHICH BARRY TAKES A NEAR VIEW OF MILITARY GLORY + +I never had a taste for anything but genteel company, and hate all +descriptions of low life. Hence my account of the society in which I +at present found myself must of necessity be short; and, indeed, +the recollection of it is profoundly disagreeable to me. Pah! the +reminiscences of the horrid black-hole of a place in which we soldiers +were confined; of the wretched creatures with whom I was now forced to +keep company; of the ploughmen, poachers, pickpockets, who had taken +refuge from poverty, or the law (as, in truth, I had done myself), is +enough to make me ashamed even now, and it calls the blush into my old +cheeks to think I was ever forced to keep such company. I should have +fallen into despair, but that, luckily, events occurred to rouse my +spirits, and in some measure to console me for my misfortunes. + +The first of these consolations I had was a good quarrel, which took +place on the day after my entrance into the transport-ship, with a huge +red-haired monster of a fellow--a chairman, who had enlisted to fly from +a vixen of a wife, who, boxer as he was, had been more than a match for +him. As soon as this fellow--Toole, I remember, was his name--got away +from the arms of the washerwoman his lady, his natural courage and +ferocity returned, and he became the tyrant of all round about him. +All recruits, especially, were the object of the brute’s insult and +ill-treatment. + +I had no money, as I said, and was sitting very disconsolately over a +platter of rancid bacon and mouldy biscuit, which was served to us at +mess, when it came to my turn to be helped to drink, and I was served, +like the rest, with a dirty tin noggin, containing somewhat more than +half a pint of rum-and-water. The beaker was so greasy and filthy that I +could not help turning round to the messman and saying, ‘Fellow, get me +a glass!’ At which all the wretches round about me burst into a roar of +laughter, the very loudest among them being, of course, Mr. Toole. +‘Get the gentleman a towel for his hands, and serve him a basin of +turtle-soup,’ roared the monster, who was sitting, or rather squatting, +on the deck opposite me; and as he spoke he suddenly seized my beaker of +grog and emptied it, in the midst of another burst of applause. + +‘If you want to vex him, ax him about his wife the washerwoman, who +BATES him,’ here whispered in my ear another worthy, a retired link-boy, +who, disgusted with his profession, had adopted the military life. + +‘Is it a towel of your wife’s washing, Mr. Toole?’ said I. ‘I’m told she +wiped your face often with one.’ + +‘Ax him why he wouldn’t see her yesterday, when she came to the ship,’ +continued the link-boy. And so I put to him some other foolish jokes +about soapsuds, henpecking, and flat-irons, which set the man into a +fury, and succeeded in raising a quarrel between us. We should have +fallen to at once, but a couple of grinning marines, who kept watch at +the door, for fear we should repent of our bargain and have a fancy to +escape, came forward and interposed between us with fixed bayonets; +but the sergeant coming down the ladder, and hearing the dispute, +condescended to say that we might fight it out like men with FISTES if +we chose, and that the fore-deck should be free to us for that purpose. +But the use of fistes, as the Englishman called them, was not then +general in Ireland, and it was agreed that we should have a pair +of cudgels; with one of which weapons I finished the fellow in four +minutes, giving him a thump across his stupid sconce which laid +him lifeless on the deck, and not receiving myself a single hurt of +consequence. + +This victory over the cock of the vile dunghill obtained me respect +among the wretches of whom I formed part, and served to set up my +spirits, which otherwise were flagging; and my position was speedily +made more bearable by the arrival on board our ship of an old friend. +This was no other than my second in the fatal duel which had sent me +thus early out into the world, Captain Fagan. There was a young nobleman +who had a company in our regiment (Gale’s foot), and who, preferring the +delights of the Mall and the clubs to the dangers of a rough campaign, +had given Fagan the opportunity of an exchange; which, as the latter had +no fortune but his sword, he was glad to make. The sergeant was +putting us through our exercise on deck (the seamen and officers of the +transport looking grinning on) when a boat came from the shore bringing +our captain to the ship; and though I started and blushed red as he +recognised me--a descendant of the Barrys--in this degrading posture, I +promise you that the sight of Fagan’s face was most welcome to me, for +it assured me that a friend was near me. Before that I was so melancholy +that I would certainly have deserted had I found the means, and had not +the inevitable marines kept a watch to prevent any such escapes. +Fagan gave me a wink of recognition, but offered no public token of +acquaintance; it was not until two days afterwards, and when we had +bidden adieu to old Ireland and were standing out to sea, that he called +me into his cabin, and then, shaking hands with me cordially, gave me +news, which I much wanted, of my family. ‘I had news of you in Dublin,’ +he said. ‘’Faith you’ve begun early, like your father’s son; and I think +you could not do better than as you have done. But why did you not write +home to your poor mother? She has sent a half-dozen letters to you at +Dublin.’ + +I said I had asked for letters at the post-office, but there were none +for Mr. Redmond. I did not like to add that I had been ashamed, after +the first week, to write to my mother. + +‘We must write to her by the pilot,’ said he, ‘who will leave us in +two hours; and you can tell her that you are safe, and married to Brown +Bess.’ I sighed when he talked about being married; on which he said +with a laugh, ‘I see you are thinking of a certain young lady at Brady’s +Town.’ + +‘Is Miss Brady well?’ said I; and indeed, could hardly utter it, for I +certainly WAS thinking about her: for, though I had forgotten her in +the gaieties of Dublin, I have always found adversity makes man very +affectionate. + +‘There’s only seven Miss Bradys now,’ answered Fagan, in a solemn voice. +‘Poor Nora’-- + +‘Good heavens! what of her?’ I thought grief had killed her. + +‘She took on so at your going away that she was obliged to console +herself with a husband. She’s now Mrs. John Quin.’ + +‘Mrs. John Quin! Was there ANOTHER Mr. John Quin?’ asked I, quite +wonder-stricken. + +‘No; the very same one, my boy. He recovered from his wound. The ball +you hit him with was not likely to hurt him. It was only made of tow. +Do you think the Bradys would let you kill fifteen hundred a year out of +the family?’ And then Fagan further told me that, in order to get me out +of the way--for the cowardly Englishman could never be brought to marry +from fear of me--the plan of the duel had been arranged. ‘But hit him +you certainly did, Redmond, and with a fine thick plugget of tow; and +the fellow was so frightened, that he was an hour in coming to. We +told your mother the story afterwards, and a pretty scene she made; she +despatched a half-score of letters to Dublin after you, but I suppose +addressed them to you in your real name, by which you never thought to +ask for them.’ + +‘The coward!’ said I (though, I confess, my mind was considerably +relieved at the thoughts of not having killed him). ‘And did the Bradys +of Castle Brady consent to admit a poltroon like that into one of the +most ancient and honourable families in the world?’ + +‘He has paid off your uncle’s mortgage,’ said Fagan; ‘he gives Nora +a coach-and-six; he is to sell out, and Lieutenant Ulick Brady of the +Militia is to purchase his company. That coward of a fellow has been the +making of your uncle’s family. ‘Faith! the business was well done.’ And +then, laughing, he told me how Mick and Ulick had never let him out +of their sight, although he was for deserting to England, until the +marriage was completed and the happy couple off on their road to Dublin. +‘Are you in want of cash, my boy?’ continued the good-natured Captain. +‘You may draw upon me, for I got a couple of hundred out of Master Quin +for my share, and while they last you shall never want.’ + +And so he bade me sit down and write a letter to my mother, which I did +forthwith in very sincere and repentant terms, stating that I had been +guilty of extravagances, that I had not known until that moment under +what a fatal error I had been labouring, and that I had embarked for +Germany as a volunteer. The letter was scarcely finished when the pilot +sang out that he was going on shore; and he departed, taking with him, +from many an anxious fellow besides myself, our adieux to friends in old +Ireland. + +Although I was called Captain Barry for many years of my life, and have +been known as such by the first people of Europe, yet I may as well +confess I had no more claim to the title than many a gentleman who +assumes it, and never had a right to an epaulet, or to any military +decoration higher than a corporal’s stripe of worsted. I was made +corporal by Fagan during our voyage to the Elbe, and my rank was +confirmed on TERRA FIRMA. I was promised a halbert, too, and afterwards, +perhaps, an ensigncy, if I distinguished myself; but Fate did not intend +that I should remain long an English soldier: as shall appear presently. +Meanwhile, our passage was very favourable; my adventures were told +by Fagan to his brother officers, who treated me with kindness; and my +victory over the big chairman procured me respect from my comrades of +the fore-deck. Encouraged and strongly exhorted by Fagan, I did my duty +resolutely; but, though affable and good-humoured with the men, I never +at first condescended to associate with such low fellows: and, indeed, +was called generally amongst them ‘my Lord.’ I believe it was the +ex-link-boy, a facetious knave, who gave me the title; and I felt that I +should become such a rank as well as any peer in the kingdom. + +It would require a greater philosopher and historian than I am to +explain the causes of the famous Seven Years’ War in which Europe was +engaged; and, indeed, its origin has always appeared to me to be +so complicated, and the books written about it so amazingly hard to +understand, that I have seldom been much wiser at the end of a chapter +than at the beginning, and so shall not trouble my reader with any +personal disquisitions concerning the matter. All I know is, that after +His Majesty’s love of his Hanoverian dominions had rendered him most +unpopular in his English kingdom, with Mr. Pitt at the head of the +anti-German war-party, all of a sudden, Mr. Pitt becoming Minister, +the rest of the empire applauded the war as much as they had hated it +before. The victories of Dettingen and Crefeld were in every-body’s +mouths, and ‘the Protestant hero,’ as we used to call the godless old +Frederick of Prussia, was adored by us as a saint, a very short time +after we had been about to make war against him in alliance with the +Empress-queen. Now, somehow, we were on Frederick’s side: the Empress, +the French, the Swedes, and the Russians, were leagued against us; and +I remember, when the news of the battle of Lissa came even to our remote +quarter of Ireland, we considered it as a triumph for the cause of +Protestantism, and illuminated and bonfired, and had a sermon at church, +and kept the Prussian king’s birthday; on which my uncle would get +drunk: as indeed on any other occasion. Most of the low fellows enlisted +with myself were, of course, Papists (the English army was filled with +such, out of that never-failing country of ours), and these, forsooth, +were fighting the battles of Protestantism with Frederick; who was +belabouring the Protestant Swedes and the Protestant Saxons, as well as +the Russians of the Greek Church, and the Papist troops of the Emperor +and the King of France. It was against these latter that the English +auxiliaries were employed, and we know that, be the quarrel what it may, +an Englishman and a Frenchman are pretty willing to make a fight of it. + +We landed at Cuxhaven, and before I had been a month in the Electorate +I was transformed into a tall and proper young soldier, and having a +natural aptitude for military exercise, was soon as accomplished at the +drill as the oldest sergeant in the regiment. It is well, however, to +dream of glorious war in a snug arm-chair at home; ay, or to make it as +an officer, surrounded by gentlemen, gorgeously dressed, and cheered by +chances of promotion. But those chances do not shine on poor fellows in +worsted lace: the rough texture of our red coats made me ashamed when I +saw an officer go by; my soul used to shudder when, on going the rounds, +I would hear their voices as they sat jovially over the mess-table; +my pride revolted at being obliged to plaster my hair with flour and +candle-grease, instead of using the proper pomatum for a gentleman. +Yes, my tastes have always been high and fashionable, and I loathed the +horrid company in which I was fallen. What chances had I of promotion? +None of my relatives had money to buy me a commission, and I became soon +so low-spirited, that I longed for a general action and a ball to finish +me, and vowed that I would take some opportunity to desert. + +When I think that I, the descendant of the kings of Ireland, was +threatened with a caning by a young scoundrel who had just joined from +Eton College--when I think that he offered to make me his footman, and +that I did not, on either occasion, murder him! On the first occasion I +burst into tears (I do not care to own it) and had serious thoughts of +committing suicide, so great was my mortification. But my kind friend +Fagan came to my aid in the circumstance, with some very timely +consolation. ‘My poor boy,’ said he, ‘you must not take the matter to +heart so. Caning is only a relative disgrace. Young Ensign Fakenham was +flogged himself at Eton School only a month ago: I would lay a wager +that his scars are not yet healed. You must cheer up, my boy; do your +duty, be a gentleman, and no serious harm can fall on you.’ And I heard +afterwards that my champion had taken Mr. Fakenham very severely to +task for this threat, and said to him that any such proceedings for the +future he should consider as an insult to himself; whereon the young +ensign was, for the moment, civil. As for the sergeants, I told one of +them, that if any man struck me, no matter who he might be, or what +the penalty, I would take his life. And, ‘faith! there was an air of +sincerity in my speech which convinced the whole bevy of them; and as +long as I remained in the English service no rattan was ever laid on the +shoulders of Redmond Barry. Indeed, I was in that savage moody state, +that my mind was quite made up to the point, and I looked to hear my own +dead march played as sure as I was alive. When I was made a corporal, +some of my evils were lessened; I messed with the sergeants by special +favour, and used to treat them to drink, and lose money to the rascals +at play: with which cash my good friend Mr. Fagan punctually supplied +me. + +Our regiment, which was quartered about Stade and Luneburg, speedily +got orders to march southwards towards the Rhine, for news came that our +great General, Prince Ferdinand of Brunswick, had been defeated--no, not +defeated, but foiled in his attack upon the French under the Duke of +Broglio, at Bergen, near Frankfort-on-the-Main, and had been obliged to +fall back. As the allies retreated the French rushed forward, and made +a bold push for the Electorate of our gracious monarch in Hanover, +threatening that they would occupy it; as they had done before, when +D’Estrees beat the hero of Culloden, the gallant Duke of Cumberland, and +caused him to sign the capitulation of Closter Zeven. An advance upon +Hanover always caused a great agitation in the Royal bosom of the King +of England; more troops were sent to join us, convoys of treasure were +passed over to our forces, and to our ally’s the King of Prussia; and +although, in spite of all assistance, the army under Prince Ferdinand +was very much weaker than that of the invading enemy, yet we had the +advantage of better supplies, one of the greatest Generals in the world: +and, I was going to add, of British valour, but the less we say about +THAT the better. My Lord George Sackville did not exactly cover himself +with laurels at Minden; otherwise there might have been won there one of +the greatest victories of modern times. + +Throwing himself between the French and the interior of the Electorate, +Prince Ferdinand wisely took possession of the free town of Bremen, +which he made his storehouse and place of arms; and round which he +gathered all his troops, making ready to fight the famous battle of +Minden. + +Were these Memoirs not characterised by truth, and did I deign to utter +a single word for which my own personal experience did not give me the +fullest authority, I might easily make myself the hero of some strange +and popular adventures, and, after the fashion of novel-writers, +introduce my reader to the great characters of this remarkable time. +These persons (I mean the romance-writers), if they take a drummer or +a dustman for a hero, somehow manage to bring him in contact with +the greatest lords and most notorious personages of the empire; and +I warrant me there’s not one of them but, in describing the battle +of Minden, would manage to bring Prince Ferdinand, and my Lord George +Sackville, and my Lord Granby, into presence. It would have been easy +for me to have SAID I was present when the orders were brought to Lord +George to charge with the cavalry and finish the rout of the Frenchmen, +and when he refused to do so, and thereby spoiled the great victory. But +the fact is, I was two miles off from the cavalry when his Lordship’s +fatal hesitation took place, and none of us soldiers of the line knew of +what had occurred until we came to talk about the fight over our kettles +in the evening, and repose after the labours of a hard-fought day. I saw +no one of higher rank that day than my colonel and a couple of orderly +officers riding by in the smoke--no one on our side, that is. A poor +corporal (as I then had the disgrace of being) is not generally invited +into the company of commanders and the great; but, in revenge, I saw, +I promise you, some very good company on the FRENCH part, for their +regiments of Lorraine and Royal Cravate were charging us all day; and +in THAT sort of MELEE high and low are pretty equally received. I hate +bragging, but I cannot help saying that I made a very close acquaintance +with the colonel of the Cravates; for I drove my bayonet into his body, +and finished off a poor little ensign, so young, slender, and small, +that a blow from my pigtail would have despatched him, I think, in +place of the butt of my musket, with which I clubbed him down. I killed, +besides, four more officers and men, and in the poor ensign’s pocket +found a purse of fourteen louis-d’or, and a silver box of sugar-plums; +of which the former present was very agreeable to me. If people would +tell their stories of battles in this simple way, I think the cause of +truth would not suffer by it. All I know of this famous fight of Minden +(except from books) is told here above. The ensign’s silver bon-bon box +and his purse of gold; the livid face of the poor fellow as he fell; +the huzzas of the men of my company as I went out under a smart fire +and rifled him; their shouts and curses as we came hand in hand with the +Frenchmen,--these are, in truth, not very dignified recollections, and +had best be passed over briefly. When my kind friend Fagan was shot, a +brother captain, and his very good friend, turned to Lieutenant Rawson +and said, ‘Fagan’s down; Rawson, there’s your company.’ It was all the +epitaph my brave patron got. ‘I should have left you a hundred guineas, +Redmond,’ were his last words to me, ‘but for a cursed run of ill luck +last night at faro.’ And he gave me a faint squeeze of the hand; then, +as the word was given to advance, I left him. When we came back to our +old ground, which we presently did, he was lying there still; but he +was dead. Some of our people had already torn off his epaulets, and, +no doubt, had rifled his purse. Such knaves and ruffians do men in war +become! It is well for gentlemen to talk of the age of chivalry; but +remember the starving brutes whom they lead--men nursed in poverty, +entirely ignorant, made to take a pride in deeds of blood--men who can +have no amusement but in drunkenness, debauch, and plunder. It is with +these shocking instruments that your great warriors and kings have been +doing their murderous work in the world; and while, for instance, we are +at the present moment admiring the ‘Great Frederick,’ as we call him, +and his philosophy, and his liberality, and his military genius, I, who +have served him, and been, as it were, behind the scenes of which that +great spectacle is composed, can only look at it with horror. What +a number of items of human crime, misery, slavery, go to form that +sum-total of glory! I can recollect a certain day about three weeks +after the battle of Minden, and a farmhouse in which some of us entered; +and how the old woman and her daughters served us, trembling, to wine; +and how we got drunk over the wine, and the house was in a flame, +presently; and woe betide the wretched fellow afterwards who came home +to look for his house and his children! + + + + +CHAPTER V. BARRY FAR FROM MILITARY GLORY + +After the death of my protector, Captain Fagan, I am forced to confess +that I fell into the very worst of courses and company. Being a rough +soldier of fortune himself, he had never been a favourite with the +officers of his regiment; who had a contempt for Irishmen, as Englishmen +sometimes will have, and used to mock his brogue, and his blunt uncouth +manners. I had been insolent to one or two of them, and had only been +screened from punishment by his intercession; especially his successor, +Mr. Rawson, had no liking for me, and put another man into the +sergeant’s place vacant in his company after the battle of Minden. +This act of injustice rendered my service very disagreeable to me; and, +instead of seeking to conquer the dislike of my superiors, and win their +goodwill by good behaviour, I only sought for means to make my situation +easier to me, and grasped at all the amusements in my power. In a +foreign country, with the enemy before us, and the people continually +under contribution from one side or the other, numberless irregularities +were permitted to the troops which would not have been allowed in more +peaceable times. I descended gradually to mix with the sergeants, and to +share their amusements: drinking and gambling were, I am sorry to say, +our principal pastimes; and I fell so readily into their ways, that +though only a young lad of seventeen, I was the master of them all in +daring wickedness; though there were some among them who, I promise you, +were far advanced in the science of every kind of profligacy. I should +have been under the provost-marshal’s hands, for a dead certainty, had +I continued much longer in the army: but an accident occurred which took +me out of the English service in rather a singular manner. + +The year in which George II died, our regiment had the honour to be +present at the battle of Warburg (where the Marquis of Granby and his +horse fully retrieved the discredit which had fallen upon the cavalry +since Lord George Sackville’s defalcation at Minden), and where Prince +Ferdinand once more completely defeated the Frenchmen. During the +action, my lieutenant, Mr. Fakenham, of Fakenham, the gentleman who had +threatened me, it may be remembered, with the caning, was struck by a +musket-ball in the side. He had shown no want of courage in this or any +other occasion where he had been called upon to act against the French; +but this was his first wound, and the young gentleman was exceedingly +frightened by it. He offered five guineas to be carried into the town, +which was hard by; and I and another man, taking him up in a cloak, +managed to transport him into a place of decent appearance, where we put +him to bed, and where a young surgeon (who desired nothing better than +to take himself out of the fire of the musketry) went presently to dress +his wound. + +In order to get into the house, we had been obliged, it must be +confessed, to fire into the locks with our pieces; which summons brought +an inhabitant of the house to the door, a very pretty and black-eyed +young woman, who lived there with her old half-blind father, a retired +Jagdmeister of the Duke of Cassel, hard by. When the French were in the +town, Meinherr’s house had suffered like those of his neighbours; and +he was at first exceedingly unwilling to accommodate his guests. But the +first knocking at the door had the effect of bringing a speedy answer; +and Mr. Fakenham, taking a couple of guineas out of a very full purse, +speedily convinced the people that they had only to deal with a person +of honour. + +Leaving the doctor (who was very glad to stop) with his patient, who +paid me the stipulated reward, I was returning to my regiment with my +other comrade--after having paid, in my German jargon, some deserved +compliments to the black-eyed beauty of Warburg, and thinking, with no +small envy, how comfortable it would be to be billeted there--when the +private who was with me cut short my reveries by suggesting that we +should divide the five guineas the lieutenant had given me. + +‘There is your share,’ said I, giving the fellow one piece; which was +plenty, as I was the leader of the expedition. But he swore a dreadful +oath that he would have half; and when I told him to go to a quarter +which I shall not name, the fellow, lifting his musket, hit me a blow +with the butt-end of it, which sent me lifeless to the ground: when I +awoke from my trance, I found myself bleeding with a large wound in the +head, and had barely time to stagger back to the house where I had left +the lieutenant, when I again fell fainting at the door. + +Here I must have been discovered by the surgeon on his issuing out; for +when I awoke a second time I found myself in the ground-floor of the +house, supported by the black-eyed girl, while the surgeon was copiously +bleeding me at the arm. There was another bed in the room where the +lieutenant had been laid,--it was that occupied by Gretel, the servant; +while Lischen, as my fair one was called, had, till now, slept in the +couch where the wounded officer lay. + +‘Who are you putting into that bed?’ said he languidly, in German; for +the ball had been extracted from his side with much pain and loss of +blood. + +They told him it was the corporal who had brought him. + +‘A corporal?’ said he, in English; ‘turn him out.’ And you may be sure +I felt highly complimented by the words. But we were both too faint to +compliment or to abuse each other much, and I was put to bed carefully; +and, on being undressed, had an opportunity to find that my pockets +had been rifled by the English soldier after he had knocked me down. +However, I was in good quarters: the young lady who sheltered me +presently brought me a refreshing drink; and, as I took it, I could not +help pressing the kind hand that gave it me; nor, in truth, did this +token of my gratitude seem unwelcome. + +This intimacy did not decrease with further acquaintance. I found +Lischen the tenderest of nurses. Whenever any delicacy was to be +provided for the wounded lieutenant, a share was always sent to the +bed opposite his, and to the avaricious man’s no small annoyance. His +illness was long. On the second day the fever declared itself; for some +nights he was delirious; and I remember it was when a commanding +officer was inspecting our quarters, with an intention, very likely, of +billeting himself on the house, that the howling and mad words of the +patient overhead struck him, and he retired rather frightened. I had +been sitting up very comfortably in the lower apartment, for my hurt was +quite subsided; and it was only when the officer asked me, with a +rough voice, why I was not at my regiment, that I began to reflect how +pleasant my quarters were to me, and that I was much better here than +crawling under an odious tent with a parcel of tipsy soldiers, or going +the night-rounds or rising long before daybreak for drill. + +The delirium of Mr. Fakenham gave me a hint, and I determined forthwith +to GO MAD. There was a poor fellow about Brady’s Town called ‘Wandering +Billy,’ whose insane pranks I had often mimicked as a lad, and I +again put them in practice. That night I made an attempt upon Lischen, +saluting her with a yell and a grin which frightened her almost out of +her wits; and when anybody came I was raving. The blow on the head had +disordered my brain; the doctor was ready to vouch for this fact. One +night I whispered to him that I was Julius Caesar, and considered him +to be my affianced wife Queen Cleopatra, which convinced him of my +insanity. Indeed, if Her Majesty had been like my Aesculapius, she must +have had a carroty beard, such as is rare in Egypt. + +A movement on the part of the French speedily caused an advance on our +part. The town was evacuated, except by a few Prussian troops, whose +surgeons were to visit the wounded in the place; and, when we were well, +we were to be drafted to our regiments. I determined that I never would +join mine again. My intention was to make for Holland, almost the only +neutral country of Europe in those times, and thence to get a passage +somehow to England, and home to dear old Brady’s Town. + +If Mr. Fakenham is now alive, I here tender him my apologies for my +conduct to him. He was very rich; he used me very ill. I managed to +frighten away his servant who came to attend him after the affair of +Warburg, and from that time would sometimes condescend to wait upon the +patient, who always treated me with scorn; but it was my object to +have him alone, and I bore his brutality with the utmost civility and +mildness, meditating in my own mind a very pretty return for all his +favours to me. Nor was I the only person in the house to whom the worthy +gentleman was uncivil. He ordered the fair Lischen hither and thither, +made impertinent love to her, abused her soups, quarrelled with her +omelettes, and grudged the money which was laid out for his maintenance; +so that our hostess detested him as much as, I think, without vanity, +she regarded me. + +For, if the truth must be told, I had made very deep love to her during +my stay under her roof; as is always my way with women, of whatever +age or degree of beauty. To a man who has to make his way in the world, +these dear girls can always be useful in one fashion or another; never +mind, if they repel your passion; at any rate, they are not offended +with your declaration of it, and only look upon you with more favourable +eyes in consequence of your misfortune. As for Lischen, I told her such +a pathetic story of my life (a tale a great deal more romantic than that +here narrated,--for I did not restrict myself to the exact truth in that +history, as in these pages I am bound to do), that I won the poor girl’s +heart entirely, and, besides, made considerable progress in the +German language under her instruction. Do not think me very cruel and +heartless, ladies; this heart of Lischen’s was like many a town in the +neighbourhood in which she dwelt, and had been stormed and occupied +several times before I came to invest it; now mounting French colours, +now green and yellow Saxon, now black and white Prussian, as the case +may be. A lady who sets her heart upon a lad in uniform must prepare to +change lovers pretty quickly, or her life will be but a sad one. + +The German surgeon who attended us after the departure of the English +only condescended to pay our house a visit twice during my residence; +and I took care, for a reason I had, to receive him in a darkened room, +much to the annoyance of Mr. Fakenham, who lay there: but I said the +light affected my eyes dreadfully since my blow on the head; and so I +covered up my head with clothes when the doctor came, and told him that +I was an Egyptian mummy, or talked to him some insane nonsense, in order +to keep up my character. + +‘What is that nonsense you were talking about an Egyptian mummy, +fellow?’ asked Mr. Fakenham peevishly. + +‘Oh! you’ll know soon, sir,’ said I. + +The next time that I expected the doctor to come, instead of receiving +him in a darkened room, with handkerchiefs muffled, I took care to be +in the lower room, and was having a game at cards with Lischen as the +surgeon entered. I had taken possession of a dressing-jacket of the +lieutenant’s, and some other articles of his wardrobe, which fitted me +pretty well; and, I flatter myself, was no ungentlemanlike figure. + +‘Good-morrow, Corporal,’ said the doctor, rather gruffly, in reply to my +smiling salute. + +‘Corporal! Lieutenant, if you please,’ answered I, giving an arch look +at Lischen, whom I had instructed in my plot. + +‘How lieutenant?’ asked the surgeon. ‘I thought the lieutenant was’-- + +‘Upon my word, you do me great honour,’ cried I, laughing; ‘you mistook +me for the mad corporal upstairs. The fellow has once or twice pretended +to be an officer, but my kind hostess here can answer which is which.’ + +‘Yesterday he fancied he was Prince Ferdinand,’ said Lischen; ‘the day +you came he said he was an Egyptian mummy.’ + +‘So he did,’ said the doctor; ‘I remember; but, ha! ha! do you know, +Lieutenant, I have in my notes made a mistake in you two?’ + +‘Don’t talk to me about his malady; he is calm now.’ + +Lischen and I laughed at this error as at the most ridiculous thing +in the world; and when the surgeon went up to examine his patient, I +cautioned him not to talk to him about the subject of his malady, for he +was in a very excited state. + +The reader will be able to gather from the above conversation what my +design really was. I was determined to escape, and to escape under the +character of Lieutenant Fakenham; taking it from him to his face, as +it were, and making use of it to meet my imperious necessity. It +was forgery and robbery, if you like; for I took all his money and +clothes,--I don’t care to conceal it; but the need was so urgent, that +I would do so again: and I knew I could not effect my escape without his +purse, as well as his name. Hence it became my duty to take possession +of one and the other. + +As the lieutenant lay still in bed upstairs, I did not hesitate at +all about assuming his uniform, especially after taking care to inform +myself from the doctor whether any men of ours who might know me were in +the town. But there were none that I could hear of; and so I calmly took +my walks with Madame Lischen, dressed in the lieutenant’s uniform, made +inquiries as to a horse that I wanted to purchase, reported myself to +the commandant of the place as Lieutenant Fakenham, of Gale’s English +regiment of foot, convalescent, and was asked to dine with the officers +of the Prussian regiment at a very sorry mess they had. How Fakenham +would have stormed and raged, had he known the use I was making of his +name! + +Whenever that worthy used to inquire about his clothes, which he did +with many oaths and curses that he would have me caned at the regiment +for inattention, I, with a most respectful air, informed him that they +were put away in perfect safety below; and, in fact, had them very +neatly packed, and ready for the day when I proposed to depart. His +papers and money, however, he kept under his pillow; and, as I had +purchased a horse, it became necessary to pay for it. + +At a certain hour, then, I ordered the animal to be brought round, when +I would pay the dealer for him. (I shall pass over my adieux with my +kind hostess, which were very tearful indeed). And then, making up my +mind to the great action, walked upstairs to Fakenham’s room attired in +his full regimentals, and with his hat cocked over my left eye. + +‘You gWeat scoundWel!’ said he, with a multiplicity of oaths; ‘you +mutinous dog! what do you mean by dWessing yourself in my Wegimentals? +As sure as my name’s Fakenham, when we get back to the Wegiment, I’ll +have your soul cut out of your body.’ + +‘I’m promoted, Lieutenant,’ said I, with a sneer. ‘I’m come to take my +leave of you;’ and then going up to his bed, I said, ‘I intend to have +your papers and purse.’ With this I put my hand under his pillow; at +which he gave a scream that might have called the whole garrison about +my ears. ‘Hark ye, sir!’ said I, ‘no more noise, or you are a dead +man!’ and taking a handkerchief, I bound it tight around his mouth so +as well-nigh to throttle him, and, pulling forward the sleeves of his +shirt, tied them in a knot together, and so left him; removing the +papers and the purse, you may be sure, and wishing him politely a good +day. + +‘It is the mad corporal,’ said I to the people down below who were +attracted by the noise from the sick man’s chamber; and so taking leave +of the old blind Jagdmeister, and an adieu (I will not say how tender) +of his daughter, I mounted my newly purchased animal; and, as I pranced +away, and the sentinels presented arms to me at the town-gates, felt +once more that I was in my proper sphere, and determined never again to +fall from the rank of a gentleman. + +I took at first the way towards Bremen, where our army was, and gave out +that I was bringing reports and letters from the Prussian commandant +of Warburg to headquarters; but, as soon as I got out of sight of the +advanced sentinels, I turned bridle and rode into the Hesse-Cassel +territory, which is luckily not very far from Warburg: and I promise you +I was very glad to see the blue-and-red stripes on the barriers, which +showed me that I was out of the land occupied by our countrymen. I rode +to Hof, and the next day to Cassel, giving out that I was the bearer of +despatches to Prince Henry, then on the Lower Rhine, and put up at the +best hotel of the place, where the field-officers of the garrison had +their ordinary. These gentlemen I treated to the best wines that the +house afforded, for I was determined to keep up the character of the +English gentleman, and I talked to them about my English estates with a +fluency that almost made me believe in the stories which I invented. I +was even asked to an assembly at Wilhelmshohe, the Elector’s palace, and +danced a minuet there with the Hofmarshal’s lovely daughter, and lost a +few pieces to his excellency the first huntmaster of his Highness. + +At our table at the inn there was a Prussian officer who treated me with +great civility, and asked me a thousand questions about England; which +I answered as best I might. But this best, I am bound to say, was bad +enough. I knew nothing about England, and the Court, and the noble +families there; but, led away by the vaingloriousness of youth (and a +propensity which I possessed in my early days, but of which I have long +since corrected myself, to boast and talk in a manner not altogether +consonant with truth), I invented a thousand stories which I told him; +described the King and the Ministers to him, said the British Ambassador +at Berlin was my uncle, and promised my acquaintance a letter of +recommendation to him. When the officer asked me my uncle’s name, I was +not able to give him the real name, and so said his name was O’Grady: it +is as good a name as any other, and those of Kilballyowen, county +Cork, are as good a family as any in the world, as I have heard. As for +stories about my regiment, of these, of course, I had no lack. I wish my +other histories had been equally authentic. + +On the morning I left Cassel, my Prussian friend came to me with an open +smiling countenance, and said he, too, was bound for Dusseldorf, whither +I said my route lay; and so laying our horses’ heads together we jogged +on. The country was desolate beyond description. The prince in whose +dominions we were was known to be the most ruthless seller of men in +Germany. He would sell to any bidder, and during the five years which +the war (afterwards called the Seven Years’ War) had now lasted, had +so exhausted the males of his principality, that the fields remained +untilled: even the children of twelve years old were driven off to the +war, and I saw herds of these wretches marching forwards, attended by +a few troopers, now under the guidance of a red-coated Hanovarian +sergeant, now with a Prussian sub-officer accompanying them; with some +of whom my companion exchanged signs of recognition. + +‘It hurts my feelings,’ said he, ‘to be obliged to commune with such +wretches; but the stern necessities of war demand men continually, and +hence these recruiters whom you see market in human flesh. They get +five-and-twenty dollars from our Government for every man they bring +in. For fine men--for men like you,’ he added, laughing, ‘we would go as +high as a hundred. In the old King’s time we would have given a thousand +for you, when he had his giant regiment that our present monarch +disbanded.’ + +‘I knew one of them,’ said I, ‘who served with you: we used to call him +Morgan Prussia.’ + +‘Indeed; and who was this Morgan Prussia?’ + +‘Why, a huge grenadier of ours, who was somehow snapped up in Hanover by +some of your recruiters.’ + +‘The rascals!’ said my friend: ‘and did they dare take an Englishman?’ + +‘’Faith this was an Irishman, and a great deal too sharp for them; +as you shall hear. Morgan was taken, then, and drafted into the giant +guard, and was the biggest man almost among all the giants there. Many +of these monsters used to complain of their life, and their caning, and +their long drills, and their small pay; but Morgan was not one of the +grumblers. “It’s a deal better,” said he, “to get fat here in Berlin, +than to starve in rags in Tipperary!”’ + +‘Where is Tipperary?’ asked my companion. + +‘That is exactly what Morgan’s friends asked him. It is a beautiful +district in Ireland, the capital of which is the magnificent city of +Clonmel: a city, let me tell you, sir, only inferior to Dublin and +London, and far more sumptuous than any on the Continent. Well, Morgan +said that his birthplace was near that city, and the only thing which +caused him unhappiness, in his present situation, was the thought that +his brothers were still starving at home, when they might be so much +better off in His Majesty’s service. + +‘“‘Faith,” says Morgan to the sergeant, to whom he imparted the +information, “it’s my brother Bin that would make the fine sergeant of +the guards, entirely!” + +‘“Is Ben as tall as you are?” asked the sergeant. + +‘“As tall as ME, is it? Why, man, I’m the shortest of my family! There’s +six more of us, but Bin’s the biggest of all. Oh! out and out the +biggest. Seven feet in his stockin-FUT, as sure as my name’s Morgan!” + +‘“Can’t we send and fetch them over, these brothers of yours?” + +‘“Not you. Ever since I was seduced by one of you gentlemen of the cane, +they’ve a mortal aversion to all sergeants,” answered Morgan: “but +it’s a pity they cannot come, too. What a monster Bin would be in a +grenadier’s cap!” + +‘He said nothing more at the time regarding his brothers, but only +sighed as if lamenting their hard fate. However, the story was told by +the sergeant to the officers, and by the officers to the King himself; +and His Majesty was so inflamed by curiosity, that he actually consented +to let Morgan go home in order to bring back with him his seven enormous +brothers.’ + +‘And were they as big as Morgan pretended?’ asked my comrade. I could +not help laughing at his simplicity. + +‘Do you suppose,’ cried I, ‘that Morgan ever came back? No, no; once +free, he was too wise for that. He has bought a snug farm in Tipperary +with the money that was given him to secure his brothers; and I fancy +few men of the guards ever profited so much by it.’ + +The Prussian captain laughed exceedingly at this story, said that the +English were the cleverest nation in the world, and, on my setting him +right, agreed that the Irish were even more so. We rode on very well +pleased with each other; for he had a thousand stories of the war to +tell, of the skill and gallantry of Frederick, and the thousand escapes, +and victories, and defeats scarcely less glorious than victories, +through which the King had passed. Now that I was a gentleman, I could +listen with admiration to these tales: and yet the sentiment recorded +at the end of the last chapter was uppermost in my mind but three weeks +back, when I remembered that it was the great general got the glory, and +the poor soldier only insult and the cane. + +‘By the way, to whom are you taking despatches?’ asked the officer. + +It was another ugly question, which I determined to answer at +hap-hazard; and so I said ‘To General Rolls.’ I had seen the general +a year before, and gave the first name in my head. My friend was quite +satisfied with it, and we continued our ride until evening came on; and +our horses being weary, it was agreed that we should come to a halt. + +‘There is a very good inn,’ said the Captain, as we rode up to what +appeared to me a very lonely-looking place. + +‘This may be a very good inn for Germany,’ said I, ‘but it would not +pass in old Ireland. Corbach is only a league off: let us push on for +Corbach.’ + +‘Do you want to see the loveliest woman in Europe?’ said the officer. +‘Ah! you sly rogue, I see THAT will influence you;’ and, truth to say, +such a proposal WAS always welcome to me, as I don’t care to own. ‘The +people are great farmers,’ said the Captain, ‘as well as innkeepers;’ +and, indeed, the place seemed more a farm than an inn yard. We entered +by a great gate into a Court walled round, and at one end of which was +the building, a dingy ruinous place. A couple of covered waggens were in +the court, their horses were littered under a shed hard by, and lounging +about the place were some men and a pair of sergeants in the Prussian +uniform, who both touched their hats to my friend the Captain. This +customary formality struck me as nothing extraordinary, but the aspect +of the inn had something exceedingly chilling and forbidding in it, +and I observed the men shut to the great yard-gates as soon as we were +entered. Parties of French horsemen, the Captain said, were about +the country, and one could not take too many precautions against such +villains. + +We went into supper, after the two sergeants had taken charge of our +horses; the Captain, also, ordering one of them to take my valise to my +bedroom. I promised the worthy fellow a glass of schnapps for his pains. + +A dish of fried eggs-and-bacon was ordered from a hideous old wench that +came to serve us, in place of the lovely creature I had expected to see; +and the Captain, laughing, said, ‘Well, our meal is a frugal one, but a +soldier has many a time a worse:’ and, taking off his hat, sword-belt, +and gloves, with great ceremony, he sat down to eat. I would not be +behindhand with him in politeness, and put my weapon securely on the old +chest of drawers where his was laid. + +The hideous old woman before mentioned brought us in a pot of very sour +wine, at which and at her ugliness I felt a considerable ill-humour. + +‘Where’s the beauty you promised me?’ said I, as soon as the old hag had +left the room. + +‘Bah!’ said he, laughing, and looking hard at me: ‘it was my joke. I was +tired, and did not care to go farther. There’s no prettier woman here +than that. If she won’t suit your fancy, my friend, you must wait a +while.’ + +This increased my ill-humour. + +‘Upon my word, sir,’ said I sternly, ‘I think you have acted very +coolly!’ + +‘I have acted as I think fit!’ replied the captain. + +‘Sir,’ said I, ‘I’m a British officer!’ + +‘It’s a lie!’ roared the other, ‘you’re a DESERTER! You’re an impostor, +sir; I have known you for such these three hours. I suspected you +yesterday. My men heard of a man escaping from Warburg, and I thought +you were the man. Your lies and folly have confirmed me. You pretend to +carry despatches to a general who has been dead these ten months: you +have an uncle who is an ambassador, and whose name forsooth you don’t +know. Will you join and take the bounty, sir; or will you be given up?’ + +‘Neither!’ said I, springing at him like a tiger. But, agile as I was, +he was equally on his guard. He took two pistols out of his pocket, +fired one off, and said, from the other end of the table where he stood +dodging me, as it were,-- + +‘Advance a step, and I send this bullet into your brains!’ In another +minute the door was flung open, and the two sergeants entered, armed +with musket and bayonet to aid their comrade. + +The game was up. I flung down a knife with which I had armed myself; for +the old hag on bringing in the wine had removed my sword. + +‘I volunteer,’ said I. + +‘That’s my good fellow. What name shall I put on my list?’ + +‘Write Redmond Barry of Bally Barry,’ said I haughtily; ‘a descendant of +the Irish kings!’ + +‘I was once with the Irish brigade, Roche’s,’ said the recruiter, +sneering, ‘trying if I could get any likely fellows among the few +countrymen of yours that are in the brigade, and there was scarcely one +of them that was not descended from the kings of Ireland.’ + +‘Sir,’ said I, ‘king or not, I am a gentleman, as you can see.’ + +‘Oh! you will find plenty more in our corps,’ answered the Captain, +still in the sneering mood. ‘Give up your papers, Mr. Gentleman, and let +us see who you really are.’ + +As my pocket-book contained some bank-notes as well as papers of Mr. +Fakenham’s, I was not willing to give up my property; suspecting very +rightly that it was but a scheme on the part of the Captain to get and +keep it. + +‘It can matter very little to you,’ said I, ‘what my private papers are: +I am enlisted under the name of Redmond Barry.’ + +‘Give it up, sirrah!’ said the Captain, seizing his cane. + +‘I will not give it up!’ answered I. + +‘HOUND! do you mutiny?’ screamed he, and, at the same time, gave me a +lash across the face with the cane, which had the anticipated effect +of producing a struggle. I dashed forward to grapple with him, the two +sergeants flung themselves on me, I was thrown to the ground and +stunned again; being hit on my former wound in the head. It was bleeding +severely when I came to myself, my laced coat was already torn off my +back, my purse and papers gone, and my hands tied behind my back. + +The great and illustrious Frederick had scores of these white +slave-dealers all round the frontiers of his kingdom, debauching troops +or kidnapping peasants, and hesitating at no crime to supply those +brilliant regiments of his with food for powder; and I cannot help +telling here, with some satisfaction, the fate which ultimately befell +the atrocious scoundrel who, violating all the rights of friendship and +good-fellowship, had just succeeded in entrapping me. This individual +was a person of high family and known talents and courage, but who had +a propensity to gambling and extravagance, and found his calling as a +recruit-decoy far more profitable to him than his pay of second captain +in the line. The sovereign, too, probably found his services more useful +in the former capacity. His name was Monsieur de Galgenstein, and he was +one of the most successful of the practisers of his rascally trade. He +spoke all languages, and knew all countries, and hence had no difficulty +in finding out the simple braggadocio of a young lad like me. + +About 1765, however, he came to his justly merited end. He was at this +time living at Kehl, opposite Strasburg, and used to take his walk upon +the bridge there, and get into conversation with the French advanced +sentinels; to whom he was in the habit of promising ‘mountains and +marvels,’ as the French say, if they would take service in Prussia. +One day there was on the bridge a superb grenadier, whom Galgenstein +accosted, and to whom he promised a company, at least, if he would +enlist under Frederick. + +‘Ask my comrade yonder,’ said the grenadier; ‘I can do nothing without +him. We were born and bred together, we are of the same company, sleep +in the same room, and always go in pairs. If he will go and you will +give him a captaincy, I will go too.’ + +‘Bring your comrade over to Kehl,’ said Galgenstein, delighted. ‘I will +give you the best of dinners, and can promise to satisfy both of you.’ + +‘Had you not better speak to him on the bridge?’ said the grenadier. +‘I dare not leave my post; but you have but to pass, and talk over the +matter.’ + +Galgenstein, after a little parley, passed the sentinel; but presently a +panic took him, and he retraced his steps. But the grenadier brought +his bayonet to the Prussian’s breast and bade him stand: that he was his +prisoner. + +The Prussian, however, seeing his danger, made a bound across the bridge +and into the Rhine; whither, flinging aside his musket, the intrepid +sentry followed him. The Frenchman was the better swimmer of the two, +seized upon the recruiter, and bore him to the Strasburg side of the +stream, where he gave him up. + +‘You deserve to be shot,’ said the general to him, ‘for abandoning your +post and arms; but you merit reward for an act of courage and daring. +The King prefers to reward you,’ and the man received money and +promotion. + +As for Galgenstein, he declared his quality as a nobleman and a captain +in the Prussian service, and applications were made to Berlin to know if +his representations were true. But the King, though he employed men of +this stamp (officers to seduce the subjects of his allies) could not +acknowledge his own shame. Letters were written back from Berlin to +say that such a family existed in the kingdom, but that the person +representing himself to belong to it must be an impostor, for +every officer of the name was at his regiment and his post. It was +Galgenstein’s death-warrant, and he was hanged as a spy in Strasburg. + + ‘Turn him into the cart with the rest,’ said he, as soon as I awoke +from my trance. + + + + +CHAPTER VI. THE CRIMP WAGGON--MILITARY EPISODES + +The covered waggon to which I was ordered to march was standing, as I +have said, in the courtyard of the farm, with another dismal vehicle +of the same kind hard by it. Each was pretty well filled with a crew of +men, whom the atrocious crimp who had seized upon me, had enlisted under +the banners of the glorious Frederick; and I could see by the lanterns +of the sentinels, as they thrust me into the straw, a dozen dark figures +huddled together in the horrible moving prison where I was now to be +confined. A scream and a curse from my opposite neighbour showed me that +he was most likely wounded, as I myself was; and, during the whole of +the wretched night, the moans and sobs of the poor fellows in similar +captivity kept up a continual painful chorus, which effectually +prevented my getting any relief from my ills in sleep. At midnight +(as far as I could judge) the horses were put to the waggons, and the +creaking lumbering machines were put in motion. A couple of soldiers, +strongly armed, sat on the outer bench of the cart, and their grim faces +peered in with their lanterns every now and then through the canvas +curtains, that they might count the number of their prisoners. The +brutes were half-drunk, and were singing love and war songs, such as ‘O +Gretchen mein Taubchen, mein Herzenstrompet, Mein Kanon, mein Heerpauk +und meine Musket,’ ‘Prinz Eugen der edle Ritter.’ and the like; their +wild whoops and jodels making doleful discord with the groans of us +captives within the waggons. Many a time afterwards have I heard these +ditties sung on the march, or in the barrack-room, or round the fires as +we lay out at night. + +I was not near so unhappy, in spite of all, as I had been on my first +enlisting in Ireland. At least, thought I, if I am degraded to be a +private soldier there will be no one of my acquaintance who will witness +my shame; and that is the point which I have always cared for most. +There will be no one to say, ‘There is young Redmond Barry, the +descendant or the Barrys, the fashionable young blood of Dublin, +pipeclaying his belt and carrying his brown Bess.’ Indeed, but for +that opinion of the world, with which it is necessary that every man of +spirit should keep upon equal terms, I, for my part, would have always +been contented with the humblest portion. Now here, to all intents +and purposes, one was as far removed from the world as in the wilds +of Siberia, or in Robinson Crusoe’s Island. And I reasoned with myself +thus:--‘Now you are caught, there is no use in repining: make the best +of your situation, and get all the pleasure you can out of it. There +are a thousand opportunities of plunder, &c., offered to the soldier in +war-time, out of which he can get both pleasure and profit: make use of +these, and be happy. Besides, you are extraordinarily brave, handsome, +and clever: and who knows but you may procure advancement in your new +service?’ + +In this philosophical way I looked at my misfortunes, determining not +to be cast down by them; and bore woes and my broken head with perfect +magnanimity. The latter was, for the moment, an evil against which it +required no small powers of endurance to contend; for the jolts of the +waggon were dreadful, and every shake caused a throb in my brain which I +thought would have split my skull. As the morning dawned, I saw that the +man next me, a gaunt yellow-haired creature, in black, had a cushion of +straw under his head. + +‘Are you wounded, comrade?’ said I. + +‘Praised be the Lord,’ said he, ‘I am sore hurt in spirit and body, +and bruised in many members; wounded, however, am I not. And you, poor +youth?’ + +‘I am wounded in the head,’ said I, ‘and I want your pillow: give +it me--I’ve a clasp-knife in my pocket!’ and with this I gave him a +terrible look, meaning to say (and mean it I did, for look you, A LA +GUERRE C’EST A LA GUERRE, and I am none of your milksops) that, unless +he yielded me the accommodation, I would give him a taste of my steel. + +‘I would give it thee without any threat, friend,’ said the +yellow-haired man meekly, and handed me over his little sack of straw. + +He then leaned himself back as comfortably as he could against the +cart, and began repeating, ‘Ein’ feste Burg ist unser Gott,’ by which I +concluded that I had got into the company of a parson. With the jolts of +the waggon, and accidents of the journey, various more exclamations and +movements of the passengers showed what a motley company we were. Every +now and then a countryman would burst into tears; a French voice would +be heard to say, ‘O mon Dieu!--mon Dieu!’ a couple more of the same +nation were jabbering oaths and chattering incessantly; and a certain +allusion to his own and everybody else’s eyes, which came from a +stalwart figure at the far corner, told me that there was certainly an +Englishman in our crew. + +But I was spared soon the tedium and discomforts of the journey. In +spite of the clergyman’s cushion, my head, which was throbbing with +pain, was brought abruptly in contact with the side of the waggon; it +began to bleed afresh: I became almost light-headed. I only recollect +having a draught of water here and there; once stopping at a fortified +town, where an officer counted us:--all the rest of the journey was +passed in a drowsy stupor, from which, when I awoke, I found myself +lying in a hospital bed, with a nun in a white hood watching over me. + +‘They are in sad spiritual darkness,’ said a voice from the bed next to +me, when the nun had finished her kind offices and retired: ‘they are +in the night of error, and yet there is the light of faith in those poor +creatures.’ + +It was my comrade of the crimp waggon, his huge broad face looming out +from under a white nightcap, and ensconced in the bed beside. + +‘What! you there, Herr Pastor?’ said I. + +‘Only a candidate, sir,’ answered the white nightcap. ‘But, praised be +Heaven! you have come to. You have had a wild time of it. You have been +talking in the English language (with which I am acquainted) of Ireland, +and a young lady, and Mick, and of another young lady, and of a house on +fire, and of the British Grenadiers, concerning whom you sung us parts +of a ballad, and of a number of other matters appertaining, no doubt, to +your personal history.’ + +‘It has been a very strange one,’ said I; ‘and, perhaps, there is no man +in the world, of my birth, whose misfortunes can at all be compared to +mine.’ + +I do not object to own that I am disposed to brag of my birth and +other acquirements; for I have always found that if a man does not give +himself a good word, his friends will not do it for him. + +‘Well,’ said my fellow-patient, ‘I have no doubt yours is a strange +tale, and shall be glad to hear it anon; but at present you must not +be permitted to speak much, for your fever has been long, and your +exhaustion great.’ + +‘Where are we?’ I asked; and the candidate informed me that we were in +the bishopric and town of Fulda, at present occupied by Prince Henry’s +troops. There had been a skirmish with an out-party of French near the +town, in which a shot entering the waggon, the poor candidate had been +wounded. + +As the reader knows already my history, I will not take the trouble +to repeat it here, or to give the additions with which I favoured +my comrade in misfortune. But I confess that I told him ours was the +greatest family and finest palace in Ireland, that we were enormously +wealthy, related to all the peerage descended from the ancient kings, +&c.; and, to my surprise, in the course of our conversation, I found +that my interlocutor knew a great deal more about Ireland than I did. +When, for instance, I spoke of my descent,-- + +‘From which race of kings?’ said he. + +‘Oh!’ said I (for my memory for dates was never very accurate), ‘from +the old ancient kings of all.’ + +‘What! can you trace your origin to the sons Japhet?’ said he. + +‘’Faith, I can,’ answered I, ‘and farther too,--Nebuchadnezzar, if you +like.’ + +‘I see,’ said the candidate, smiling, ‘that you look upon those legends +with incredulity. These Partholans and Nemedians, of whom your writers +fondly make mention, cannot be authentically vouched for in history. Nor +do I believe that we have any more foundation for the tales concerning +them, than for the legends relative to Joseph of Arimathea and King +Bruce which prevailed two centuries back in the sister island. + +And then he began a discourse about the Phoenicians, the Scyths or +Goths, the Tuath de Danans, Tacitus, and King MacNeil; which was, to say +the truth, the very first news I had heard of those personages. As for +English, he spoke it as well as I, and had seven more languages, he +said, equally at his command; for, on my quoting the only Latin line +that I knew, that out of the poet Homer, which says,-- + + ‘As in praesenti perfectum fumat in avi,’ + +he began to speak to me in the Roman tongue; on which I was fain to tell +him that we pronounced it in a different way in Ireland, and so got off +the conversation. + +My honest friend’s history was a curious one, and it may be told here in +order to show of what motley materials our levies were composed:-- + +‘I am,’ said he, ‘a Saxon by birth, my father being pastor of the +village of Pfannkuchen, where I imbibed the first rudiments of +knowledge. At sixteen (I am now twenty-three), having mastered the Greek +and Latin tongues, with the French, English, Arabic, and Hebrew; and +having come into possession of a legacy of a hundred rixdalers, a sum +amply sufficient to defray my University courses, I went to the famous +academy of Gottingen, where I devoted four years to the exact sciences +and theology. Also, I learned what worldly accomplishments I could +command; taking a dancing-tutor at the expense of a groschen a lesson, a +course of fencing from a French practitioner, and attending lectures +on the great horse and the equestrian science at the hippodrome of a +celebrated cavalry professor. My opinion is, that a man should know +everything as far as in his power lies: that he should complete his +cycle of experience; and, one science being as necessary as another, it +behoves him. + +‘I am not of a saving turn, hence my little fortune of a hundred +rixdalers, which has served to keep many a prudent man for a score of +years, barely sufficed for five years’ studies; after which my studies +were interrupted, my pupils fell off, and I was obliged to devote much +time to shoe-binding in order to save money, and, at a future +period, resume my academic course. During this period I contracted an +attachment’ (here the candidate sighed a little) ‘with a person, +who, though not beautiful, and forty years of age, is yet likely to +sympathise with my existence; and, a month since, my kind friend and +patron, University Prorector Doctor Nasenbrumm, having informed me that +the Pfarrer of Rumpelwitz was dead, asked whether I would like to have +my name placed upon the candidate list, and if I were minded to preach a +trial sermon? As the gaining of this living would further my union with +my Amalia, I joyously consented, and prepared a discourse. + +‘If you like I will recite it to you--No?--Well, I will give you +extracts from it upon our line of march. To proceed, then, with my +biographical sketch, which is now very near a conclusion; or, as I +should more correctly say, which has very nearly brought me to the +present period of time: I preached that sermon at Rumpelwitz, in which I +hope that the Babylonian question was pretty satisfactorily set at +rest. I preached it before the Herr Baron and his noble family, and some +officers of distinction who were staying at his castle. Mr. Doctor Moser +of Halle followed me in the evening discourse; but, though his exercise +was learned, and he disposed of a passage of Ignatius, which he proved +to be a manifest interpolation, I do not think his sermon had the effect +which mine produced, and that the Rumpelwitzers much relished it. After +the sermon, all the candidates walked out of church together, and supped +lovingly at the “Blue Stag” in Rumpelwitz. + +‘While so occupied, a waiter came in and said that a person without +wished to speak to one of the reverend candidates, “the tall one.” This +could only mean me, for I was a head and shoulders higher than any +other reverend gentleman present. I issued out to see who was the +person desiring to hold converse with me, and found a man whom I had no +difficulty in recognising as one of the Jewish persuasion. + +‘“Sir,” said this Hebrew, “I have heard from a friend, who was in your +church to-day, the heads of the admirable discourse you pronounced +there. It has affected me deeply, most deeply. There are only one or +two points on which I am yet in doubt, and if your honour could but +condescend to enlighten me on these, I think--I think Solomon Hirsch +would be a convert to your eloquence.” + +‘“What are these points, my good friend?” said I; and I pointed out to +him the twenty-four heads of my sermon, asking him in which of these his +doubts lay. + +‘We had been walking up and down before the inn while our conversation +took place, but the windows being open, and my comrades having heard the +discourse in the morning, requested me, rather peevishly, not to resume +it at that period. I, therefore, moved on with my disciple, and, at his +request, began at once the sermon; for my memory is good for anything, +and I can repeat any book I have read thrice. + +‘I poured out, then, under the trees, and in the calm moonlight, that +discourse which I had pronounced under the blazing sun of noon. My +Israelite only interrupted me by exclamations indicative of surprise, +assent, admiration, and increasing conviction. “Prodigious!” said +he;--“Wunderschon!” would he remark at the conclusion of some eloquent +passage; in a word, he exhausted the complimentary interjections of our +language: and to compliments what man is averse? I think we must have +walked two miles when I got to my third head and my companion begged I +would enter his house, which we now neared, and partake of a glass of +beer; to which I was never averse. + +‘That house, sir, was the inn at which you, too, if I judge aright, were +taken. No sooner was I in the place, than three crimps rushed upon me, +told me I was a deserter, and their prisoner, and called upon me to +deliver up my money and papers; which I did with a solemn protest as +to my sacred character. They consisted of my sermon in MS., Prorector +Nasenbrumm’s recommendatory letter, proving my identity, and three +groschen four pfennigs in bullion. I had already been in the cart twenty +hours when you reached the house. The French officer, who lay opposite +you (he who screamed when you trod on his foot, for he was wounded), +was brought in shortly before your arrival. He had been taken with his +epaulets and regimentals, and declared his quality and rank; but he was +alone (I believe it was some affair of love with a Hessian lady which +caused him to be unattended); and as the persons into whose hands he +fell will make more profit of him as a recruit than as a prisoner, he is +made to share our fate. He is not the first by many scores so captured. +One of M. de Soubise’s cooks, and three actors out of a troop in the +French camp, several deserters from your English troops (the men are led +away by being told that there is no flogging in the Prussian service), +and three Dutchmen were taken besides.’ + +‘And you,’ said I--‘you who were just on the point of getting a valuable +living,--you who have so much learning, are you not indignant at the +outrage?’ + +‘I am a Saxon,’ said the candidate, ‘and there is no use in indignation. +Our government is crushed under Frederick’s heel these five years, and +I might as well hope for mercy from the Grand Mogul. Nor am I, in truth, +discontented with my lot; I have lived on a penny bread for so many +years, that a soldier’s rations will be a luxury to me. I do not care +about more or less blows of a cane; all such evils are passing, and +therefore endurable. I will never, God willing, slay a man in combat; +but I am not unanxious to experience on myself the effect of the +war-passion, which has had so great an influence on the human race. It +was for the same reason that I determined to marry Amalia, for a man is +not a complete Mensch until he is the father of a family; to be which +is a condition of his existence, and therefore a duty of his education. +Amalia must wait; she is out of the reach of want, being, indeed, cook +to the Frau Prorectorinn Nasenbrumm, my worthy patron’s lady. I have one +or two books with me, which no one is likely to take from me, and one in +my heart which is the best of all. If it shall please Heaven to finish +my existence here, before I can prosecute my studies further, what cause +have I to repine? I pray God I may not be mistaken, but I think I have +wronged no man, and committed no mortal sin. If I have, I know where to +look for forgiveness; and if I die, as I have said, without knowing all +that I would desire to learn, shall I not be in a situation to learn +EVERYTHING, and what can human soul ask for more? + +‘Pardon me for putting so many _I_‘s in my discourse,’ said the +candidate, ‘but when a man is talking of himself, ‘tis the briefest and +simplest way of talking.’ + +In which, perhaps, though I hate egotism, I think my friend was right. +Although he acknowledged himself to be a mean-spirited fellow, with no +more ambition than to know the contents of a few musty books, I think +the man had some good in him; especially in the resolution with which he +bore his calamities. Many a gallant man of the highest honour is often +not proof against these, and has been known to despair over a bad +dinner, or to be cast down at a ragged-elbowed coat. MY maxim is to bear +all, to put up with water if you cannot get Burgundy, and if you have no +velvet to be content with frieze. But Burgundy and velvet are the best, +bien entendu, and the man is a fool who will not seize the best when the +scramble is open. + +The heads of the sermon which my friend the theologian intended to +impart to me, were, however, never told; for, after our coming out +of the hospital, he was drafted into a regiment quartered as far as +possible from his native country, in Pomerania; while I was put into +the Bulow regiment, of which the ordinary headquarters were Berlin. The +Prussian regiments seldom change their garrisons as ours do, for the +fear of desertion is so great, that it becomes necessary to know the +face of every individual in the service; and, in time of peace, men live +and die in the same town. This does not add, as may be imagined, to the +amusements of the soldier’s life. It is lest any young gentleman like +myself should take a fancy to a military career, and fancy that of a +private soldier a tolerable one, that I am giving these, I hope, moral +descriptions of what we poor fellows in the ranks really suffered. + +As soon as we recovered, we were dismissed from the nuns and the +hospital to the town prison of Fulda, where we were kept like slaves and +criminals, with artillerymen with lighted matches at the doors of the +courtyards and the huge black dormitory where some hundreds of us lay; +until we were despatched to our different destinations. It was soon seen +by the exercise which were the old soldiers amongst us, and which the +recruits; and for the former, while we lay in prison, there was a little +more leisure: though, if possible, a still more strict watch kept than +over the broken-spirited yokels who had been forced or coaxed into the +service. To describe the characters here assembled would require Mr. +Gilray’s own pencil. There were men of all nations and callings. The +Englishmen boxed and bullied; the Frenchmen played cards, and danced, +and fenced; the heavy Germans smoked their pipes and drank beer, if they +could manage to purchase it. Those who had anything to risk gambled, and +at this sport I was pretty lucky, for, not having a penny when I entered +the depot (having been robbed of every farthing of my property by the +rascally crimps), I won near a dollar in my very first game at cards +with one of the Frenchmen; who did not think of asking whether I could +pay or not upon losing. Such, at least, is the advantage of having a +gentlemanlike appearance; it has saved me many a time since by procuring +me credit when my fortunes were at their lowest ebb. + +Among the Frenchmen there was a splendid man and soldier, whose +real name we never knew, but whose ultimate history created no small +sensation, when it came to be known in the Prussian army. If beauty and +courage are proofs of nobility, as (although I have seen some of the +ugliest dogs and the greatest cowards in the world in the noblesse) I +have no doubt courage and beauty are, this Frenchman must have been of +the highest families in France, so grand and noble was his manner, so +superb his person. He was not quite so tall as myself, fair, while I am +dark, and, if possible, rather broader in the shoulders. He was the only +man I ever met who could master me with the small-sword; with which he +would pink me four times to my three. As for the sabre, I could knock +him to pieces with it; and I could leap farther and carry more than +he could. This, however, is mere egotism. This Frenchman, with whom I +became pretty intimate--for we were the two cocks, as it were, of the +depot, and neither had any feeling of low jealousy--was called, for want +of a better name, Le Blondin, on account of his complexion. He was not a +deserter, but had come in from the Lower Rhine and the bishoprics, as I +fancy; fortune having proved unfavourable to him at play probably, and +other means of existence being denied him. I suspect that the Bastile +was waiting for him in his own country, had he taken a fancy to return +thither. + +He was passionately fond of play and liquor, and thus we had a +considerable sympathy together: when excited by one or the other, he +became frightful. I, for my part, can bear, without wincing, both ill +luck and wine; hence my advantage over him was considerable in our +bouts, and I won enough money from him to make my position tenable. He +had a wife outside (who, I take it, was the cause of his misfortunes +and separation from his family), and she used to be admitted to see him +twice or thrice a week, and never came empty-handed---a little brown +bright-eyed creature, whose ogles had made the greatest impression upon +all the world. + +This man was drafted into a regiment that was quartered at Neiss in +Silesia, which is only at a short distance from the Austrian frontier; +he maintained always the same character for daring and skill, and was, +in the secret republic of the regiment--which always exists as well +as the regular military hierarchy--the acknowledged leader. He was +an admirable soldier, as I have said; but haughty, dissolute, and a +drunkard. A man of this mark, unless he takes care to coax and flatter +his officers (which I always did), is sure to fall out with them. Le +Blondin’s captain was his sworn enemy, and his punishments were frequent +and severe. + +His wife and the women of the regiment (this was after the peace) used +to carry on a little commerce of smuggling across the Austrian frontier, +where their dealings were winked at by both parties; and in obedience +to the instructions of her husband, this woman, from every one of her +excursions, would bring in a little powder and ball: commodities which +are not to be procured by the Prussian soldier, and which were stowed +away in secret till wanted. They WERE to be wanted, and that soon. + +Le Blondin had organised a great and extraordinary conspiracy. We don’t +know how far it went, how many hundreds or thousands it embraced; but +strange were the stories told about the plot amongst us privates: for +the news was spread from garrison to garrison, and talked of by the +army, in spite of all the Government efforts to hush it up--hush it +up, indeed! I have been of the people myself; I have seen the Irish +rebellion, and I know what is the free-masonry of the poor. + +He made himself the head of the plot. There were no writings nor papers. +No single one of the conspirators communicated with any other than +the Frenchman; but personally he gave his orders to them all. He had +arranged matters for a general rising of the garrison, at twelve o’clock +on a certain day: the guard-houses in the town were to be seized, the +sentinels cut down, and--who knows the rest? Some of our people used +to say that the conspiracy was spread through all Silesia, and that Le +Blondin was to be made a general in the Austrian service. + +At twelve o’clock, and opposite the guard-house by the Bohmer-Thor of +Neiss, some thirty men were lounging about in their undress, and the +Frenchman stood near the sentinel of the guard-house, sharpening a wood +hatchet on a stone. At the stroke of twelve, he got up, split open the +sentinel’s head with a blow of his axe, and the thirty men, rushing into +the guard-house, took possession of the arms there, and marched at once +to the gate. The sentry there tried to drop the bar, but the Frenchman +rushed up to him, and, with another blow of the axe, cut off his right +hand, with which he held the chain. Seeing the men rushing out armed, +the guard without the gate drew up across the road to prevent their +passage; but the Frenchman’s thirty gave them a volley, charged them +with the bayonet, and brought down several, and the rest flying, the +thirty rushed on. The frontier is only a league from Neiss, and they +made rapidly towards it. + +But the alarm was given in the town, and what saved it was that the +clock by which the Frenchman went was a quarter of an hour faster than +any of the clocks in the town. The generale was beat, the troops +called to arms, and thus the men who were to have attacked the other +guard-houses, were obliged to fall into the ranks, and their project +was defeated. This, however, likewise rendered the discovery of the +conspirators impossible, for no man could betray his comrade, nor, of +course, would he criminate himself. + +Cavalry was sent in pursuit of the Frenchman and his thirty fugitives, +who were, by this time, far on their way to the Bohemian frontier. When +the horse came up with them, they turned, received them with a volley +and the bayonet, and drove them back. The Austrians were out at the +barriers, looking eagerly on at the conflict. The women, who were on the +look-out too, brought more ammunition to these intrepid deserters, and +they engaged and drove back the dragoons several times. But in these +gallant and fruitless combats much time was lost, and a battalion +presently came up, and surrounded the brave thirty; when the fate of the +poor fellows was decided. They fought with the fury of despair: not one +of them asked for quarter. When their ammunition failed, they fought +with the steel, and were shot down or bayoneted where they stood. The +Frenchman was the very last man who was hit. He received a bullet in the +thigh, and fell, and in this state was overpowered, killing the officer +who first advanced to seize him. + +He and the very few of his comrades who survived were carried back +to Neiss, and immediately, as the ringleader, he was brought before a +council of war. He refused all interrogations which were made as to his +real name and family. ‘What matters who I am?’ said he; ‘you have me and +will shoot me. My name would not save me were it ever so famous.’ In the +same way he declined to make a single discovery regarding the plot. ‘It +was all my doing,’ he said; ‘each man engaged in it only knew me, and is +ignorant of every one of his comrades. The secret is mine alone, and +the secret shall die with me.’ When the officers asked him what was the +reason which induced him to meditate a crime so horrible?--‘It was +your infernal brutality and tyranny,’ he said. ‘You are all butchers, +ruffians, tigers, and you owe it to the cowardice of your men that you +were not murdered long ago.’ + +At this his captain burst into the most furious exclamations against the +wounded man, and rushing up to him, struck him a blow with his fist. But +Le Blondin, wounded as he was, as quick as thought seized the bayonet of +one of the soldiers who supported him, and plunged it into the officer’s +breast. ‘Scoundrel and monster,’ said he, ‘I shall have the consolation +of sending you out of the world before I die.’ He was shot that day. +He offered to write to the King, if the officers would agree to let his +letter go sealed into the hands of the postmaster; but they feared, no +doubt, that something might be said to inculpate themselves, and refused +him the permission. At the next review Frederick treated them, it is +said, with great severity, and rebuked them for not having granted the +Frenchman his request. However, it was the King’s interest to conceal +the matter, and so it was, as I have said before, hushed up--so well +hushed up, that a hundred thousand soldiers in the army knew it; and +many’s the one of us that has drunk to the Frenchman’s memory over our +wine, as a martyr for the cause of the soldier. I shall have, +doubtless, some readers who will cry out at this, that I am encouraging +insubordination and advocating murder. If these men had served as +privates in the Prussian army from 1760 to 1765, they would not be +so apt to take objection. This man destroyed two sentinels to get his +liberty; how many hundreds of thousands of his own and the Austrian +people did King Frederick kill because he took a fancy to Silesia? It +was the accursed tyranny of the system that sharpened the axe which +brained the two sentinels of Neiss: and so let officers take warning, +and think twice ere they visit poor fellows with the cane. + +I could tell many more stories about the army; but as, from having been +a soldier myself, all my sympathies are in the ranks, no doubt my +tales would be pronounced to be of an immoral tendency, and I had best, +therefore, be brief. Fancy my surprise while in this depot, when one day +a well-known voice saluted my ear, and I heard a meagre young gentleman, +who was brought in by a couple of troopers and received a few cuts +across the shoulders from one of them, say in the best English, ‘You +infernal WASCAL, I’ll be wevenged for this. I’ll WITE to my ambassador, +as sure as my name’s Fakenham of Fakenham.’ I burst out laughing at +this: it was my old acquaintance in MY corporal’s coat. Lischen had +sworn stoutly, that he was really and truly the private, and the poor +fellow had been drafted off, and was to be made one of us. But I bear no +malice, and having made the whole room roar with the story of the way +in which I had tricked the poor lad, I gave him a piece of advice, which +procured him his liberty. ‘Go to the inspecting officer,’ said I; ‘if +they once get you into Prussia it is all over with you, and they will +never give you up. Go now to the commandant of the depot, promise him +a hundred--five hundred guineas to set you free; say that the crimping +captain has your papers and portfolio’ (this was true); ‘above all, show +him that you have the means of paying him the promised money, and I will +warrant you are set free.’ He did as I advised, and when we were put on +the march Mr. Fakenham found means to be allowed to go into hospital, +and while in hospital the matter was arranged as I had recommended. +He had nearly, however, missed his freedom by his own stinginess in +bargaining for it, and never showed the least gratitude towards me his +benefactor. + +I am not going to give any romantic narrative of the Seven Years’ War. +At the close of it, the Prussian army, so renowned for its disciplined +valour, was officered and under-officered by native Prussians, it is +true; but was composed for the most part of men hired or stolen, like +myself, from almost every nation in Europe. The deserting to and fro +was prodigious. In my regiment (Bulow’s) alone before the war, there had +been no less than 600 Frenchmen, and as they marched out of Berlin +for the campaign, one of the fellows had an old fiddle on which he +was flaying a French tune, and his comrades danced almost, rather than +walked, after him, singing, ‘Nous allons en France.’ Two years after, +when they returned to Berlin, there were only six of these men left; the +rest had fled or were killed in action. The life the private soldier led +was a frightful one to any but men of iron courage and endurance. There +was a corporal to every three men, marching behind them, and pitilessly +using the cane; so much so that it used to be said that in action +there was a front rank of privates and a second rank of sergeants +and corporals to drive them on. Many men would give way to the most +frightful acts of despair under these incessant persecutions and +tortures; and amongst several regiments of the army a horrible practice +had sprung up, which for some time caused the greatest alarm to the +Government. This was a strange frightful custom of CHILD-MURDER. The men +used to say that life was unbearable, that suicide was a crime; in +order to avert which, and to finish with the intolerable misery of their +position, the best plan was to kill a young child, which was innocent, +and therefore secure of heaven, and then to deliver themselves up as +guilty of the murder. The King himself--the hero, sage, and philosopher, +the prince who had always liberality on his lips and who affected a +horror of capital punishments--was frightened at this dreadful protest, +on the part of the wretches whom he had kidnapped, against his monstrous +tyranny; but his only means of remedying the evil was strictly to forbid +that such criminals should be attended by any ecclesiastic whatever, and +denied all religious consolation. + +The punishment was incessant. Every officer had the liberty to inflict +it, and in peace it was more cruel than in war. For when peace came +the King turned adrift such of his officers as were not noble; whatever +their services might have been. He would call a captain to the front of +his company and say, ‘He is not noble, let him go.’ We were afraid of +him somehow, and were cowed before him like wild beasts before their +keeper. I have seen the bravest men of the army cry like children at a +cut of the cane; I have seen a little ensign of fifteen call out a man +of fifty from the ranks, a man who had been in a hundred battles, and +he has stood presenting arms, and sobbing and howling like a baby, while +the young wretch lashed him over the arms and thighs with the stick. +In a day of action this man would dare anything. A button might be awry +THEN and nobody touched him; but when they had made the brute fight, +then they lashed him again into subordination. Almost all of us yielded +to the spell--scarce one could break it. The French officer I have +spoken of as taken along with me, was in my company, and caned like +a dog. I met him at Versailles twenty years afterwards, and he turned +quite pale and sick when I spoke to him of old days. ‘For God’s sake,’ +said he, ‘don’t talk of that time: I wake up from my sleep trembling and +crying even now.’ + +As for me, after a very brief time (in which it must be confessed +I tasted, like my comrades, of the cane) and after I had found +opportunities to show myself to be a brave and dexterous soldier, I +took the means I had adopted in the English army to prevent any further +personal degradation. I wore a bullet around my neck, which I did not +take the pains to conceal, and I gave out that it should be for the man +or officer who caused me to be chastised. And there was something in +my character which made my superiors believe me; for that bullet had +already served me to kill an Austrian colonel, and I would have given +it to a Prussian with as little remorse. For what cared I for their +quarrels, or whether the eagle under which I marched had one head or +two? All I said was, ‘No man shall find me tripping in my duty; but no +man shall ever lay a hand upon me.’ And by this maxim I abided as long +as I remained in the service. + +I do not intend to make a history of battles in the Prussian any more +than in the English service. I did my duty in them as well as another, +and by the time that my moustache had grown to a decent length, which +it did when I was twenty years of age, there was not a braver, cleverer, +handsomer, and I must own, wickeder soldier in the Prussian army. I had +formed myself to the condition of the proper fighting beast; on a day of +action I was savage and happy; out of the field I took all the pleasure +I could get, and was by no means delicate as to its quality or the +manner of procuring it. The truth is, however, that there was among our +men a much higher tone of society than among the clumsy louts in the +English army, and our service was generally so strict that we had little +time for doing mischief. I am very dark and swarthy in complexion, +and was called by our fellows the ‘Black Englander,’ the ‘Schwartzer +Englander,’ or the English Devil. If any service was to be done, I was +sure to be put upon it. I got frequent gratifications of money, but no +promotion; and it was on the day after I had killed the Austrian colonel +(a great officer of Uhlans, whom I engaged--singly and on foot) that +General Bulow, my colonel, gave me two Frederics-d’or in front of the +regiment, and said, ‘I reward thee now; but I fear I shall have to hang +thee one day or other.’ I spent the money, and that I had taken from the +colonel’s body, every groschen, that night with some jovial companions; +but as long as war lasted was never without a dollar in my purse. + + + + +CHAPTER VII. BARRY LEADS A GARRISON LIFE, AND FINDS MANY FRIENDS THERE + +After the war our regiment was garrisoned in the capital, the least +dull, perhaps, of all the towns of Prussia: but that does not say much +for its gaiety. Our service, which was always severe, still left many +hours of the day disengaged, in which we might take our pleasure had we +the means of paying for the same. Many of our mess got leave to work +in trades; but I had been brought up to none: and besides, my honour +forbade me; for as a gentleman, I could not soil my fingers by a manual +occupation. But our pay was barely enough to keep us from starving; and +as I have always been fond of pleasure, and as the position in which we +now were, in the midst of the capital, prevented us from resorting to +those means of levying contributions which are always pretty feasible in +wartime, I was obliged to adopt the only means left me of providing +for my expenses: and in a word became the ORDONNANZ, or confidential +military gentleman, of my captain. I spurned the office four years +previously, when it was made to me in the English service; but the +position is very different in a foreign country; besides, to tell the +truth, after five years in the ranks, a man’s pride will submit to many +rebuffs which would be intolerable to him in an independent condition. + +The captain was a young man and had distinguished himself during the +war, or he would never have been advanced to rank so early. He was, +moreover, the nephew and heir of the Minister of Police, Monsieur de +Potzdorff, a relationship which no doubt aided in the young gentleman’s +promotion. Captain de Potzdorff was a severe officer enough on parade or +in barracks, but he was a person easily led by flattery. I won his heart +in the first place by my manner of tying my hair in queue (indeed, +it was more neatly dressed than that of any man in the regiment), +and subsequently gained his confidence by a thousand little arts and +compliments, which as a gentleman myself I knew how to employ. He was a +man of pleasure, which he pursued more openly than most men in the stern +Court of the King; he was generous and careless with his purse, and he +had a great affection for Rhine wine: in all which qualities I sincerely +sympathised with him; and from which I, of course, had my profit. He was +disliked in the regiment, because he was supposed to have too intimate +relations with his uncle the Police Minister; to whom, it was hinted, he +carried the news of the corps. + +Before long I had ingratiated myself considerably with my officer, +and knew most of his affairs. Thus I was relieved from many drills and +parades, which would otherwise have fallen to my lot, and came in for a +number of perquisites; which enabled me to support a genteel figure and +to appear with some ECLAT in a certain, though it must be confessed very +humble, society in Berlin. Among the ladies I was always an especial +favourite, and so polished was my behaviour amongst them, that they +could not understand how I should have obtained my frightful nickname of +the Black Devil in the regiment. ‘He is not so black as he is painted,’ +I laughingly would say; and most of the ladies agreed that the private +was quite as well-bred as the captain: as indeed how should it be +otherwise, considering my education and birth? + +When I was sufficiently ingratiated with him, I asked leave to address a +letter to my poor mother in Ireland, to whom I had not given any news of +myself for many many years; for the letters of the foreign soldiers were +never admitted to the post, for fear of appeals or disturbances on the +part of their parents abroad. My captain agreed to find means to forward +the letter, and as I knew that he would open it, I took care to give it +him unsealed; thus showing my confidence in him. But the letter was, as +you may imagine, written so that the writer should come to no harm were +it intercepted. I begged my honoured mother’s forgiveness for having +fled from her; I said that my extravagance and folly in my own country +I knew rendered my return thither impossible; but that she would, at +least, be glad to know that I was well and happy in the service of the +greatest monarch in the world, and that the soldier’s life was most +agreeable to me: and, I added, that I had found a kind protector and +patron, who I hoped would some day provide for me as I knew it was out +of her power to do. I offered remembrances to all the girls at Castle +Brady, naming them from Biddy to Becky downwards, and signed myself, +as in truth I was, her affectionate son, Redmond Barry, in Captain +Potzdorffs company of the Bulowisch regiment of foot in garrison at +Berlin. Also I told her a pleasant story about the King kicking the +Chancellor and three judges downstairs, as he had done one day when I +was on guard at Potsdam, and said I hoped for another war soon, when I +might rise to be an officer. In fact, you might have imagined my letter +to be that of the happiest fellow in the world, and I was not on this +head at all sorry to mislead my kind parent. + +I was sure my letter was read, for Captain Potzdorff began asking me +some days afterwards about my family, and I told him the circumstances +pretty truly, all things considered. I was a cadet of a good family, but +my mother was almost ruined and had barely enough to support her eight +daughters, whom I named. I had been to study for the law at Dublin, +where I had got into debt and bad company, had killed a man in a +duel, and would be hanged or imprisoned by his powerful friends, if I +returned. I had enlisted in the English service, where an opportunity +for escape presented itself to me such as I could not resist; and +hereupon I told the story of Mr. Fakenham of Fakenham in such a way as +made my patron to be convulsed with laughter, and he told me afterwards +that he had repeated the story at Madame de Kamake’s evening assembly, +where all the world was anxious to have a sight of the young Englander. + +‘Was the British Ambassador there?’ I asked, in a tone of the greatest +alarm, and added, ‘For Heaven’s sake, sir, do not tell my name to him, +or he might ask to have me delivered up: and I have no fancy to go to +be hanged in my dear native country.’ Potzdorff, laughing, said he would +take care that I should remain where I was, on which I swore eternal +gratitude to him. + +Some days afterwards, and with rather a grave face, he said to me, +‘Redmond, I have been talking to our colonel about you, and as I +wondered that a fellow of your courage and talents had not been advanced +during the war, the general said they had had their eye upon you: that +you were a gallant soldier, and had evidently come of a good stock; that +no man in the regiment had had less fault found with him; but that no +man merited promotion less. You were idle, dissolute, and unprincipled; +you had done a deal of harm to the men; and, for all your talents and +bravery, he was sure would come to no good.’ + +‘Sir!’ said I, quite astonished that any mortal man should have formed +such an opinion of me, ‘I hope General Bulow is mistaken regarding my +character. I have fallen into bad company, it is true; but I have only +done as other soldiers have done; and, above all, I have never had a +kind friend and protector before, to whom I might show that I was worthy +of better things. The general may say I am a ruined lad, and send me to +the d---l: but be sure of this, I would go to the d---l to serve YOU.’ +This speech I saw pleased my patron very much; and, as I was very +discreet and useful in a thousand delicate ways to him, he soon came to +have a sincere attachment for me. One day, or rather night, when he +was tete-a-tete with the lady of the Tabaks Rath von Dose for instance, +I--But there is no use in telling affairs which concern nobody now. + +Four months after my letter to my mother, I got, under cover to the +Captain, a reply, which created in my mind a yearning after home, and +a melancholy which I cannot describe. I had not seen the dear soul’s +writing for five years. All the old days, and the fresh happy sunshine +of the old green fields in Ireland, and her love, and my uncle, and Phil +Purcell, and everything that I had done and thought, came back to me +as I read the letter; and when I was alone I cried over it, as I hadn’t +done since the day when Nora jilted me. I took care not to show my +feelings to the regiment or my captain: but that night, when I was +to have taken tea at the Garden-house outside Brandenburg Gate, with +Fraulein Lottchen (the Tabaks Rathinn’s gentlewoman of company), I +somehow had not the courage to go; but begged to be excused, and went +early to bed in barracks, out of which I went and came now almost as I +willed, and passed a long night weeping and thinking about dear Ireland. + +Next day, my spirits rose again and I got a ten-guinea bill cashed, +which my mother sent in the letter, and gave a handsome treat to some of +my acquaintance. The poor soul’s letter was blotted all over with tears, +full of texts, and written in the wildest incoherent way. She said +she was delighted to think I was under a Protestant prince, though she +feared he was not in the right way: that right way, she said, she had +the blessing to find, under the guidance of the Reverend Joshua Jowls, +whom she sat under. She said he was a precious chosen vessel; a sweet +ointment and precious box of spikenard; and made use of a great number +more phrases that I could not understand; but one thing was clear in the +midst of all this jargon, that the good soul loved her son still, and +thought and prayed day and night for her wild Redmond. Has it not come +across many a poor fellow, in a solitary night’s watch, or in sorrow, +sickness, or captivity, that at that very minute, most likely, his +mother is praying for him? I often have had these thoughts; but they are +none of the gayest, and it’s quite as well that they don’t come to you +in company; for where would be a set of jolly fellows then?--as mute as +undertakers at a funeral, I promise you. I drank my mother’s health that +night in a bumper, and lived like a gentleman whilst the money lasted. +She pinched herself to give it me, as she told me afterwards; and Mr. +Jowls was very wroth with her. Although the good soul’s money was very +quickly spent, I was not long in getting more; for I had a hundred ways +of getting it, and became a universal favourite with the Captain and +his friends. Now, it was Madame von Dose who gave me a Frederic-d’or for +bringing her a bouquet or a letter from the Captain; now it was, on +the contrary, the old Privy Councillor who treated me with a bottle of +Rhenish, and slipped into my hand a dollar or two, in order that I might +give him some information regarding the liaison between my captain and +his lady. But though I was not such a fool as not to take his money, you +may be sure I was not dishonourable enough to betray my benefactor; and +he got very little out of ME. When the Captain and the lady fell out, +and he began to pay his addresses to the rich daughter of the Dutch +Minister, I don’t know how many more letters and guineas the unfortunate +Tabaks Rathinn handed over to me, that I might get her lover back again. +But such returns are rare in love, and the Captain used only to laugh at +her stale sighs and entreaties. In the house of Mynheer Van Guldensack +I made myself so pleasant to high and low, that I came to be quite +intimate there: and got the knowledge of a state secret or two, which +surprised and pleased my captain very much. These little hints he +carried to his uncle, the Minister of Police, who, no doubt, made +his advantage of them; and thus I began to be received quite in a +confidential light by the Potzdorff family, and became a mere nominal +soldier, being allowed to appear in plain clothes (which were, I warrant +you, of a neat fashion), and to enjoy myself in a hundred ways, which +the poor fellows my comrades envied. As for the sergeants, they were as +civil to me as to an officer: it was as much as their stripes were worth +to offend a person who had the ear of the Minister’s nephew. There was +in my company a young fellow by the name of Kurz, who was six feet high +in spite of his name, and whose life I had saved in some affair of +the war. What does this lad do, after I had recounted to him one of my +adventures, but call me a spy and informer, and beg me not to call +him DU any more, as is the fashion with young men when they are very +intimate. I had nothing for it but to call him out; but I owed him no +grudge. I disarmed him in a twinkling; and as I sent his sword flying +over his head, said to him, ‘Kurz, did ever you know a man guilty of +a mean action who can do as I do now?’ This silenced the rest of the +grumblers; and no man ever sneered at me after that. + +No man can suppose that to a person of my fashion the waiting in +antechambers, the conversation of footmen and hangers-on, was pleasant. +But it was not more degrading than the barrack-room, of which I need not +say I was heartily sick. My protestations of liking for the army were +all intended to throw dust into the eyes of my employer. I sighed to be +out of slavery. I knew I was born to make a figure in the world. Had I +been one of the Neiss garrison, I would have cut my way to freedom +by the side of the gallant Frenchman; but here I had only artifice to +enable me to attain my end, and was not I justified in employing it? My +plan was this: I may make myself so necessary to M. de Potzdorff, that +he will obtain my freedom. Once free, with my fine person and good +family, I will do what ten thousand Irish gentlemen have done before, +and will marry a lady of fortune and condition. And the proof that I +was, if not disinterested, at least actuated by a noble ambition, is +this. There was a fat grocer’s widow in Berlin with six hundred thalers +of rent, and a good business, who gave me to understand that she would +purchase my discharge if I would marry her; but I frankly told her that +I was not made to be a grocer, and thus absolutely flung away a chance +of freedom which she offered me. + +And I was grateful to my employers; more grateful than they to me. The +Captain was in debt, and had dealings with the Jews, to whom he gave +notes of hand payable on his uncle’s death. The old Herr von Potzdorff, +seeing the confidence his nephew had in me, offered to bribe me to know +what the young man’s affairs really were. But what did I do? I informed +Monsieur George von Potzdorff of the fact; and we made out, in concert, +a list of little debts, so moderate, that they actually appeased the old +uncle instead of irritating, and he paid them, being glad to get off so +cheap. + +And a pretty return I got for this fidelity. One morning, the old +gentleman being closeted with his nephew (he used to come to get any +news stirring as to what the young officers of the regiment were doing: +whether this or that gambled; who intrigued, and with whom; who was at +the ridotto on such a night; who was in debt, and what not; for the King +liked to know the business of every officer in his army), I was +sent with a letter to the Marquis d’Argens (that afterwards married +Mademoiselle Cochois the actress), and, meeting the Marquis at a few +paces off in the street, gave my message, and returned to the Captain’s +lodging. He and his worthy uncle were making my unworthy self the +subject of conversation. + +‘He is noble,’ said the Captain. + +‘Bah!’ replied the uncle (whom I could have throttled for his +insolence). ‘All the beggarly Irish who ever enlisted tell the same +story.’ + +‘He was kidnapped by Galgenstein,’ resumed the other. + +‘A kidnapped deserter,’ said M. Potzdorff; ‘la belle affaire!’ + +‘Well, I promised the lad I would ask for his discharge; and I am sure +you can make him useful.’ + +‘You HAVE asked his discharge,’ answered the elder, laughing. ‘Bon Dieu! +You are a model of probity! You’ll never succeed to my place, George, if +you are no wiser than you are just now. Make the fellow as useful to you +as you please. He has a good manner and a frank countenance. He can lie +with an assurance that I never saw surpassed, and fight, you say, on a +pinch. The scoundrel does not want for good qualities; but he is vain, a +spendthrift, and a bavard. As long as you have the regiment in terrorem +over him, you can do as you like with him. Once let him loose, and the +lad is likely to give you the slip. Keep on promising him; promise to +make him a general, if you like. What the deuce do I care? There are +spies enough to be had in this town without him.’ + +It was thus that the services I rendered to M. Potzdorff were qualified +by that ungrateful old gentleman; and I stole away from the room +extremely troubled in spirit, to think that another of my fond dreams +was thus dispelled; and that my hopes of getting out of the army, +by being useful to the Captain, were entirely vain. For some time +my despair was such, that I thought of marrying the widow; but the +marriages of privates are never allowed without the direct permission +of the King; and it was a matter of very great doubt whether His Majesty +would allow a young fellow of twenty-two, the handsomest man of his +army, to be coupled to a pimplefaced old widow of sixty, who was +quite beyond the age when her marriage would be likely to multiply the +subjects of His Majesty. This hope of liberty was therefore vain; nor +could I hope to purchase my discharge, unless any charitable soul would +lend me a large sum of money; for, though I made a good deal, as I +have said, yet I have always had through life an incorrigible knack of +spending, and (such is my generosity of disposition) have been in debt +ever since I was born. + +My captain, the sly rascal! gave me a very different version of his +conversation with his uncle to that which I knew to be the true one; and +said smilingly to me, ‘Redmond, I have spoken to the Minister regarding +thy services,[Footnote: The service about which Mr. Barry here speaks +has, and we suspect purposely, been described by him in very dubious +terms. It is most probable that he was employed to wait at the table +of strangers in Berlin, and to bring to the Police Minister any news +concerning them which might at all interest the Government. The great +Frederick never received a guest without taking these hospitable +precautions; and as for the duels which Mr. Barry fights, may we be +allowed to hint a doubt as to a great number of these combats. It will +be observed, in one or two other parts of his Memoirs, that whenever he +is at an awkward pass, or does what the world does not usually consider +respectable, a duel, in which he is victorious, is sure to ensue; from +which he argues that he is a man of undoubted honour.] and thy fortune +is made. We shall get thee out of the army, appoint thee to the police +bureau, and procure for thee an inspectorship of customs; and, in fine, +allow thee to move in a better sphere than that in which Fortune has +hitherto placed thee. + +Although I did not believe a word of this speech, I affected to be very +much moved by it, and of course swore eternal gratitude to the Captain +for his kindness to the poor Irish castaway. + +‘Your service at the Dutch Minister’s has pleased me very well. There is +another occasion on which you may make yourself useful to us; and if you +succeed, depend on it your reward will be secure.’ + +‘What is the service, sir?’ said I; ‘I will do anything for so kind a +master.’ + +‘There is lately come to Berlin,’ said the Captain, ‘a gentleman in +the service of the Empress-Queen, who calls himself the Chevalier de +Balibari, and wears the red riband and star of the Pope’s order of the +Spur. He speaks Italian or French indifferently; but we have some +reason to fancy this Monsieur de Balibari is a native of your country of +Ireland. Did you ever hear such a name as Balibari in Ireland?’ + +‘Balibari? Balyb--?’ A sudden thought flashed across me. ‘No, sir,’ said +I, ‘I never heard the name.’ + +‘You must go into his service. Of course you will not know a word of +English: and if the Chevalier asks as to the particularity of your +accent, say you are a Hungarian. The servant who came with him will be +turned away to-day, and the person to whom he has applied for a faithful +fellow will recommend you. You are a Hungarian; you served in the Seven +Years’ War. You left the army on account of weakness of the loins. You +served Monsieur de Quellenberg two years; he is now with the army in +Silesia, but there is your certificate signed by him. You afterwards +lived with Doctor Mopsius, who will give you a character, if need be; +and the landlord of the “Star” will, of course, certify that you are an +honest fellow: but his certificate goes for nothing. As for the rest of +your story, you can fashion that as you will, and make it as romantic +or as ludicrous as your fancy dictates. Try, however, to win the +Chevalier’s confidence by provoking his compassion. He gambles a great +deal, and WINS. Do you know the cards well?’ + +‘Only a very little, as soldiers do.’ + +‘I had thought you more expert. You must find out if the Chevalier +cheats; if he does, we have him. He sees the English and Austrian envoys +continually, and the young men of either Ministry sup repeatedly at his +house. Find out what they talk of; for how much each plays, especially +if any of them play on parole: if you can read his private letters, of +course you will; though about those which go to the post, you need not +trouble yourself; we look at them there. But never see him write a note +without finding out to whom it goes, and by what channel or messenger. +He sleeps with the keys of his despatch-box on a string round his neck. +Twenty Frederics, if you get an impression of the keys. You will, of +course, go in plain clothes. You had best brush the powder out of your +hair, and tie it with a riband simply; your moustache you must of course +shave off. + +With these instructions, and a very small gratuity, the Captain left me. +When I again saw him, he was amused at the change in my appearance. +I had, not without a pang (for they were as black as jet, and curled +elegantly), shaved off my moustaches; had removed the odious grease and +flour, which I always abominated, out of my hair; had mounted a demure +French grey coat, black satin breeches, and a maroon plush waistcoat, +and a hat without a cockade. I looked as meek and humble as any servant +out of place could possibly appear; and I think not my own regiment, +which was now at the review at Potsdam, would have known me. Thus +accoutred, I went to the ‘Star Hotel,’ where this stranger was,--my +heart beating with anxiety, and something telling me that this Chevalier +de Balibari was no other than Barry, of Ballybarry, my father’s eldest +brother, who had given up his estate in consequence of his obstinate +adherence to the Romish superstition. Before I went in to present +myself, I went to look in the remises at his carriage. Had he the Barry +arms? Yes, there they were: argent, a bend gules, with four escallops of +the field,--the ancient coat of my house. They were painted in a shield +about as big as my hat, on a smart chariot handsomely gilded, surmounted +with a coronet, and supported by eight or nine Cupids, cornucopias, and +flower-baskets, according to the queer heraldic fashion of those days. +It must be he! I felt quite feint as I went up the stairs. I was going +to present myself before my uncle in the character of a servant! + +‘You are the young man whom M. de Seebach recommended?’ + +I bowed, and handed him a letter from that gentleman, with which my +captain had taken care to provide me. As he looked at it I had leisure +to examine him. My uncle was a man of sixty years of age, dressed +superbly in a coat and breeches of apricot-coloured velvet, a white +satin waistcoat embroidered with gold like the coat. Across his breast +went the purple riband of his order of the Spur; and the star of the +order, an enormous one, sparkled on his breast. He had rings on all his +fingers, a couple of watches in his fobs, a rich diamond solitaire in +the black riband round his neck, and fastened to the bag of his wig; his +ruffles and frills were decorated with a profusion of the richest lace. +He had pink silk stockings rolled over the knee, and tied with gold +garters; and enormous diamond buckles to his red-heeled shoes. A sword +mounted in gold, in a white fish-skin scabbard; and a hat richly laced, +and lined with white feathers, which were lying on a table beside him, +completed the costume of this splendid gentleman. In height he was +about my size, that is, six feet and half an inch; his cast of features +singularly like mine, and extremely distingue. One of his eyes was +closed with a black patch, however; he wore a little white and red +paint, by no means an unusual ornament in those days; and a pair of +moustaches, which fell over his lip and hid a mouth that I afterwards +found had rather a disagreeable expression. When his beard was removed, +the upper teeth appeared to project very much; and his countenance wore +a ghastly fixed smile, by no means pleasant. + +It was very imprudent of me; but when I saw the splendour of his +appearance, the nobleness of his manner, I felt it impossible to keep +disguise with him; and when he said, ‘Ah, you are a Hungarian, I see!’ I +could hold no longer. + +‘Sir,’ said I, ‘I am an Irishman, and my name is Redmond Barry, of +Ballybarry.’ As I spoke, I burst into tears; I can’t tell why; but I had +seen none of my kith or kin for six years, and my heart longed for some +one. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII. BARRY’S ADIEU TO MILITARY PROFESSION + +You who have never been out of your country, know little what it is to +hear a friendly voice in captivity; and there’s many a man that will not +understand the cause of the burst of feeling which I have confessed took +place on my seeing my uncle. He never for a minute thought to question +the truth of what I said. ‘Mother of God!’ cried he, ‘it’s my brother +Harry’s son.’ And I think in my heart he was as much affected as I was +at thus suddenly finding one of his kindred; for he, too, was an exile +from home, and a friendly voice, a look, brought the old country back to +his memory again, and the old days of his boyhood. ‘I’d give five years +of my life to see them again,’ said he, after caressing me very warmly. +‘What?’ asked I. ‘Why,’ replied he, ‘the green fields, and the river, +and the old round tower, and the burying-place at Ballybarry. ‘Twas a +shame for your father to part with the land, Redmond, that went so long +with the name.’ + +He then began to ask me concerning myself, and I gave him my history at +some length; at which the worthy gentleman laughed many times, saying, +that I was a Barry all over. In the middle of my story he would stop +me, to make me stand back to back, and measure with him (by which I +ascertained that our heights were the same, and that my uncle had +a stiff knee, moreover, which made him walk in a peculiar way), and +uttered, during the course of the narrative, a hundred exclamations of +pity, and kindness, and sympathy. It was ‘Holy Saints!’ and ‘Mother of +Heaven!’ and ‘Blessed Mary!’ continually; by which, and with justice, I +concluded that he was still devotedly attached to the ancient faith of +our family. + +It was with some difficulty that I came to explain to him the last part +of my history, viz., that I was put into his service as a watch upon his +actions, of which I was to give information in a certain quarter. When +I told him (with a great deal of hesitation) of this fact, he burst out +laughing, and enjoyed the joke amazingly. ‘The rascals!’ said he; ‘they +think to catch me, do they? Why, Redmond, my chief conspiracy is a +faro-bank. But the King is so jealous, that he will see a spy in every +person who comes to his miserable capital in the great sandy desert +here. Ah, my boy, I must show you Paris and Vienna!’ + +I said there was nothing I longed for more than to see any city but +Berlin, and should be delighted to be free of the odious military +service. Indeed, I thought, from his splendour of appearance, the +knickknacks about the room, the gilded carriage in the remise, that my +uncle was a man of vast property; and that he would purchase a dozen, +nay, a whole regiment of substitutes, in order to restore me to freedom. + +But I was mistaken in my calculations regarding him, as his history of +himself speedily showed me. ‘I have been beaten about the world,’ said +he, ‘ever since the year 1742, when my brother your father (and Heaven +forgive him) cut my family estate from under my heels, by turning +heretic, in order to marry that scold of a mother of yours. Well, let +bygones be bygones. ‘Tis probable that I should have run through the +little property as he did in my place, and I should have had to begin +a year or two later the life I have been leading ever since I was +compelled to leave Ireland. My lad, I have been in every service; +and, between ourselves, owe money in every capital in Europe. I made a +campaign or two with the Pandours under Austrian Trenck. I was captain +in the Guard of His Holiness the Pope, I made the campaign of Scotland +with the Prince of Wales--a bad fellow, my dear, caring more for +his mistress and his brandy-bottle than for the crowns of the three +kingdoms. I have served in Spain and in Piedmont; but I have been a +rolling stone, my good fellow. Play--play has been my ruin; that and +beauty’ (here he gave a leer which made him, I must confess, look +anything but handsome; besides, his rouged cheeks were all beslobbered +with the tears which he had shed on receiving me). ‘The women have made +a fool of me, my dear Redmond. I am a soft-hearted creature, and this +minute, at sixty-two, have no more command of myself than when Peggy +O’Dwyer made a fool of me at sixteen.’ + +‘’Faith sir,’ says I, laughing, ‘I think it runs in the family!’ and +described to him, much to his amusement, my romantic passion for my +cousin, Nora Brady. He resumed his narrative. + +‘The cards now are my only livelihood. Sometimes I am in luck, and then +I lay out my money in these trinkets you see. It’s property, look you, +Redmond; and the only way I have found of keeping a little about me. +When the luck goes against me, why, my dear, my diamonds go to the +pawnbrokers, and I wear paste. Friend Moses the goldsmith will pay me a +visit this very day; for the chances have been against me all the week +past, and I must raise money for the bank to-night. Do you understand +the cards?’ + +I replied that I could play as soldiers do, but had no great skill. + +‘We will practise in the morning, my boy,’ said he, ‘and I’ll put you up +to a thing or two worth knowing.’ + +Of course I was glad to have such an opportunity of acquiring knowledge, +and professed myself delighted to receive my uncle’s instruction. + +The Chevalier’s account of himself rather disagreeably affected me. +All his show was on his back, as he said. His carriage, with the fine +gilding, was a part of his stock in trade. He HAD a sort of mission from +the Austrian Court:--it was to discover whether a certain quantity of +alloyed ducats which had been traced to Berlin, were from the King’s +treasury. But the real end of Monsieur de Balibari was play. There was +a young attache of the English embassy, my Lord Deuceace, afterwards +Viscount and Earl of Crabs in the English peerage, who was playing high; +and it was after hearing of the passion of this young English nobleman +that my uncle, then at Prague, determined to visit Berlin and engage +him. For there is a sort of chivalry among the knights of the dice-box: +the fame of great players is known all over Europe. I have known the +Chevalier de Casanova, for instance, to travel six hundred miles, from +Paris to Turin, for the purpose of meeting Mr. Charles Fox, then only my +Lord Holland’s dashing son, afterwards the greatest of European orators +and statesmen. + +It was agreed that I should keep my character of valet; that in the +presence of strangers I should not know a word of English; that I should +keep a good look-out on the trumps when I was serving the champagne and +punch about; and, having a remarkably fine eyesight and a great natural +aptitude, I was speedily able to give my dear uncle much assistance +against his opponents at the green table. Some prudish persons may +affect indignation at the frankness of these confessions, but Heaven +pity them! Do you suppose that any man who has lost or won a hundred +thousand pounds at play will not take the advantages which his neighbour +enjoys? They are all the same. But it is only the clumsy fool who +CHEATS; who resorts to the vulgar expedients of cogged dice and cut +cards. Such a man is sure to go wrong some time or other, and is not fit +to play in the society of gallant gentlemen; and my advice to people who +see such a vulgar person at his pranks is, of course, to back him +while he plays, but never--never to have anything to do with him. Play +grandly, honourably. Be not, of course, cast down at losing; but above +all, be not eager at winning, as mean souls are. And, indeed, with all +one’s skill and advantages, winning is often problematical; I have seen +a sheer ignoramus that knows no more of play than of Hebrew, blunder you +out of five thousand pounds in a few turns of the cards. I have seen a +gentleman and his confederate play against another and HIS confederate. +One never is secure in these cases: and when one considers the time and +labour spent, the genius, the anxiety, the outlay of money required, the +multiplicity of bad debts that one meets with (for dishonourable rascals +are to be found at the play-table, as everywhere else in the world), +I say, for my part, the profession is a bad one; and, indeed, have +scarcely ever met a man who, in the end, profited by it. I am writing +now with the experience of a man of the world. At the time I speak of I +was a lad, dazzled by the idea of wealth, and respecting, certainly too +much, my uncle’s superior age and station in life. + +There is no need to particularise here the little arrangements made +between us; the playmen of the present day want no instruction, I take +it, and the public have little interest in the matter. But simplicity +was our secret. Everything successful is simple. If, for instance, I +wiped the dust off a chair with my napkin, it was to show that the enemy +was strong in diamonds; if I pushed it, he had ace, king; if I said, +‘Punch or wine, my Lord?’ hearts was meant; if ‘Wine or punch?’ clubs. +If I blew my nose, it was to indicate that there was another confederate +employed by the adversary; and THEN, I warrant you, some pretty trials +of skill would take place. My Lord Deuceace, although so young, had a +very great skill and cleverness with the cards in every way; and it was +only from hearing Frank Punter, who came with him, yawn three times when +the Chevalier had the ace of trumps, that I knew we were Greek to Greek, +as it were. + +My assumed dulness was perfect; and I used to make Monsieur de +Potzdorff laugh with it, when I carried my little reports to him at +the Garden-house outside the town where he gave me rendezvous. These +reports, of course, were arranged between me and my uncle beforehand. I +was instructed (and it is always far the best way) to tell as much truth +as my story would possibly bear. When, for instance, he would ask me, +‘What does the Chevalier do of a morning?’ + +‘He goes to church regularly’ (he was very religious), ‘and after +hearing mass comes home to breakfast. Then he takes an airing in his +chariot till dinner, which is served at noon. After dinner he writes his +letters, if he have any letters to write: but he has very little to +do in this way. His letters are to the Austrian envoy, with whom he +corresponds, but who does not acknowledge him; and being written in +English, of course I look over his shoulder. He generally writes for +money. He says he wants it to bribe the secretaries of the Treasury, +in order to find out really where the alloyed ducats come from; but, +in fact, he wants it to play of evenings, when he makes his party with +Calsabigi, the lottery-contractor, the Russian attaches, two from the +English embassy, my Lords Deuceace and Punter, who play a jeu d’enfer, +and a few more. The same set meet every night at supper: there are +seldom any ladies; those who come are chiefly French ladies, members of +the corps de ballet. He wins often, but not always. Lord Deuceace is a +very fine player. The Chevalier Elliot, the English Minister, sometimes +comes, on which occasion the secretaries do not play. Monsieur de +Balibari dines at the missions, but en petit comite, not on grand days +of reception. Calsabigi, I think, is his confederate at play. He has +won lately; but the week before last he pledged his solitaire for four +hundred ducats.’ + +‘Do he and the English attaches talk together in their own language?’ + +‘Yes; he and the envoy spoke yesterday for half-an-hour about the new +danseuse and the American troubles: chiefly about the new danseuse.’ + +It will be seen that the information I gave was very minute and +accurate, though not very important. But such as it was, it was carried +to the ears of that famous hero and warrior the Philosopher of Sans +Souci; and there was not a stranger who entered the capital but his +actions were similarly spied and related to Frederick the Great. + +As long as the play was confined to the young men of the different +embassies, His Majesty did not care to prevent it; nay, he encouraged +play at all the missions, knowing full well that a man in difficulties +can be made to speak, and that a timely rouleau of Frederics would +often get him a secret worth many thousands. He got some papers from +the French house in this way: and I have no doubt that my Lord Deuceace +would have supplied him with information at a similar rate, had his +chief not known the young nobleman’s character pretty well, and had +(as is usually the case) the work of the mission performed by a steady +roturier, while the young brilliant bloods of the suite sported their +embroidery at the balls, or shook their Mechlin ruffles over the green +tables at faro. I have seen many scores of these young sprigs since, +of these and their principals, and, mon Dieu! what fools they are! What +dullards, what fribbles, what addle-headed simple coxcombs! This is one +of the lies of the world, this diplomacy; or how could we suppose, that +were the profession as difficult as the solemn red-box and tape-men +would have us believe, they would invariably choose for it little +pink-faced boys from school, with no other claim than mamma’s title, and +able at most to judge of a curricle, a new dance, or a neat boot? + +When it became known, however, to the officers of the garrison that +there was a faro-table in town, they were wild to be admitted to the +sport; and, in spite of my entreaties to the contrary, my uncle was +not averse to allow the young gentlemen their fling, and once or twice +cleared a handsome sum out of their purses. It was in vain I told him +that I must carry the news to my captain, before whom his comrades would +not fail to talk, and who would thus know of the intrigue even without +my information. + +‘Tell him,’ said my uncle. + +‘They will send you away,’ said I; ‘then what is to become of me?’ + +‘Make your mind easy,’ said the latter, with a smile; ‘you shall not be +left behind, I warrant you. Go take a last look at your barracks, make +your mind easy; say a farewell to your friends in Berlin. The dear +souls, how they will weep when they hear you are out of the country; +and, as sure as my name is Barry, out of it you shall go!’ + +‘But how, sir?’ said I. + +‘Recollect Mr. Fakenham of Fakenham,’ said he knowingly. ‘’Tis you +yourself taught me how. Go get me one of my wigs. Open my despatch-box +yonder, where the great secrets of the Austrian Chancery lie; put your +hair back off you forehead; clap me on this patch and these moustaches, +and now look in the glass!’ + +‘The Chevalier de Balibari,’ said I, bursting with laughter, and began +walking the room in his manner with his stiff knee. + +The next day, when I went to make my report to Monsieur de Potzdorff, I +told him of the young Prussian officers that had been of late gambling; +and he replied, as I expected, that the King had determined to send the +Chevalier out of the country. + +‘He is a stingy curmudgeon,’ I replied; ‘I have had but three Frederics +from him in two months, and I hope you will remember your promise to +advance me!’ + +‘Why, three Frederics were too much for the news you have picked up,’ +said the Captain, sneering. + +‘It is not my fault that there has been no more,’ I replied. ‘When is he +to go, sir?’ + +‘The day after to-morrow. You say he drives after breakfast and before +dinner. When he comes out to his carriage, a couple of gendarmes will +mount the box, and the coachman will get his orders to move on.’ + +‘And his baggage, sir?’ said I. + +‘Oh! that will be sent after him. I have a fancy to look into that red +box which contains his papers, you say; and at noon, after parade, shall +be at the inn. You will not say a word to any one there regarding the +affair, and will wait for me at the Chevalier’s rooms until my arrival. +We must force that box. You are a clumsy hound, or you would have got +the key long ago!’ + +I begged the Captain to remember me, and so took my leave of him. The +next night I placed a couple of pistols under the carriage seat; and +I think the adventures of the following day are quite worthy of the +honours of a separate chapter. + + + + +CHAPTER IX. I APPEAR IN A MANNER BECOMING MY NAME AND LINEAGE + +Fortune smiling at parting upon Monsieur de Balibari, enabled him to win +a handsome sum with his faro-bank. + +At ten o’clock the next morning, the carriage of the Chevalier de +Balibari drew up as usual at the door of his hotel; and the Chevalier, +who was at his window, seeing the chariot arrive, came down the stairs +in his usual stately manner. + +‘Where is my rascal Ambrose?’ said he, looking around and not finding +his servant to open the door. + +‘I will let down the steps for your honour,’ said a gendarme, who was +standing by the carriage; and no sooner had the Chevalier entered, +than the officer jumped in after him, another mounted the box by the +coachman, and the latter began to drive. + +‘Good gracious!’ said the Chevalier, ‘what is this?’ + +‘You are going to drive to the frontier,’ said the gendarme, touching +his hat. + +‘It is shameful--infamous! I insist upon being put down at the Austrian +Ambassador’s house!’ + +‘I have orders to gag your honour if you cry out,’ said the gendarme. + +‘All Europe shall hear of this!’ said the Chevalier, in a fury. + +‘As you please,’ answered the officer, and then both relapsed into +silence. + +The silence was not broken between Berlin and Potsdam, through which +place the Chevalier passed as His Majesty was reviewing his guards +there, and the regiments of Bulow, Zitwitz, and Henkel de Donnersmark. +As the Chevalier passed His Majesty, the King raised his hat and said, +‘Qu’il ne descende pas: je lui souhaite un bon voyage.’ The Chevalier de +Balibari acknowledged this courtesy by a profound bow. + +They had not got far beyond Potsdam, when boom! the alarm cannon began +to roar. + +‘It is a deserter,’ said the officer. + +‘Is it possible?’ said the Chevalier, and sank back into his carriage +again. + +Hearing the sound of the guns, the common people came out along the road +with fowling-pieces and pitchforks, in hopes to catch the truant. The +gendarmes seemed very anxious to be on the look-out for him too. The +price of a deserter was fifty crowns to those who brought him in. + +‘Confess, sir,’ said the Chevalier to the police officer in the carriage +with him, ‘that you long to be rid of me, from whom you can get nothing, +and to be on the look-out for the deserter who may bring you in fifty +crowns? Why not tell the postilion to push on? You may land me at the +frontier and get back to your hunt all the sooner.’ The officer told +the postillion to get on; but the way seemed intolerably long to +the Chevalier. Once or twice he thought he heard the noise of horse +galloping behind: his own horses did not seem to go two miles an hour; +but they DID go. The black and white barriers came in view at last, hard +by Bruck, and opposite them the green and yellow of Saxony. The Saxon +custom-house officers came out. + +‘I have no luggage,’ said the Chevalier. + +‘The gentleman has nothing contraband,’ said the Prussian officers, +grinning, and took their leave of their prisoner with much respect. + +The Chevalier de Balibari gave them a Frederic apiece. + +‘Gentlemen,’ said he, ‘I wish you a good day. Will you please to go to +the house whence we set out this morning, and tell my man there to send +on my baggage to the “Three Kings” at Dresden?’ + +Then ordering fresh horses, the Chevalier set off on his journey for +that capital. I need not tell you that _I_ was the Chevalier. + +‘From the Chevalier de Balibari to Redmond Barry, Esquire, Gentilhomme +Anglais, a l’Hotel des 3 Couronnes, a Dresde en Saxe. + +‘Nephew Redmond,--This comes to you by a sure hand, no other than Mr. +Lumpit of the English Mission, who is acquainted, as all Berlin will +be directly, with our wonderful story. They only know half as yet; +they only know that a deserter went off in my clothes, and all are in +admiration of your cleverness and valour. + +‘I confess that for two hours after your departure I lay in bed in no +small trepidation, thinking whether His Majesty might have a fancy to +send me to Spandau, for the freak of which we had both been guilty. But +in that case I had taken my precautions: I had written a statement of +the case to my chief, the Austrian Minister, with the full and true +story how you had been set to spy upon me, how you turned out to be +my very near relative, how you had been kidnapped yourself into the +service, and how we both had determined to effect your escape. The laugh +would have been so much against the King, that he never would have dared +to lay a finger upon me. What would Monsieur de Voltaire have said +to such an act of tyranny? But it was a lucky day, and everything has +turned out to my wish. As I lay in my bed two and a half hours after +your departure, in comes your ex-Captain Potzdorff. “Redmont!” says he, +in his imperious High-Dutch way, “are you there?” No answer. “The rogue +is gone out,” said he; and straightway makes for my red box where I keep +my love-letters, my glass eye which I used to wear, my favourite lucky +dice with which I threw the thirteen mains at Prague; my two sets of +Paris teeth, and my other private matters that you know of. + +‘He first tried a bunch of keys, but none of them would fit the little +English lock. Then my gentleman takes out of his pocket a chisel and +hammer, and falls to work like a professional burglar, actually bursting +open my little box! + +‘Now was my time to act. I advance towards him armed with an immense +water-jug. I come noiselessly up to him just as he had broken the box, +and with all my might I deal him such a blow over the head as smashes +the water-jug to atoms, and sends my captain with a snort lifeless to +the ground. I thought I had killed him. + +‘Then I ring all the bells in the house; and shout and swear and +scream, “Thieves!--thieves!--landlord!--murder!--fire!” until the whole +household come tumbling up the stairs. “Where is my servant?” roar I. +“Who dares to rob me in open day? Look at the villain whom I find in +the act of breaking my chest open! Send for the police, send for his +Excellency the Austrian Minister! all Europe shall know of this insult!” + +‘“Dear Heaven!” says the landlord, “we saw you go away three hours ago!” + +‘“ME!” says I; “why, man, I have been in bed all the morning. I am +ill--I have taken physic--I have not left the house this morning! Where +is that scoundrel Ambrose? But, stop! where are my clothes and wig?” + for I was standing before them in my chamber-gown and stockings, with my +nightcap on. + +‘“I have it--I have it!” says a little chambermaid: “Ambrose is off in +your honour’s dress.” + +‘“And my money--my money!” says I; “where is my purse with forty-eight +Frederics in it? But we have one of the villains left. Officers, seize +him!” + +‘“It’s the young Herr von Potzdorff!” says the landlord, more and more +astonished. + +‘“What! a gentleman breaking open my trunk with hammer and +chisel--impossible!” + +‘Herr von Potzdorff was returning to life by this time, with a swelling +on his skull as big as a saucepan; and the officers carried him off, and +the judge who was sent for dressed a proces verbal of the matter, and I +demanded a copy of it, which I sent forthwith to my ambassador. + +‘I was kept a prisoner to my room the next day, and a judge, a general, +and a host of lawyers, officers, and officials, were set upon me to +bully, perplex, threaten, and cajole me. I said it was true you had told +me that you had been kidnapped into the service, that I thought you were +released from it, and that I had you with the best recommendations. I +appealed to my Minister, who was bound to come to my aid; and, to make +a long story short, poor Potzdorff is now on his way to Spandau; and his +uncle, the elder Potzdorff, has brought me five hundred louis, with a +humble request that I would leave Berlin forthwith, and hush up this +painful matter. + +‘I shall be with you at the “Three Crowns” the day after you receive +this. Ask Mr. Lumpit to dinner. Do not spare your money--you are my son. +Everybody in Dresden knows your loving uncle, + +‘THE CHEVALIER DE BALIBARI.’ + + +And by these wonderful circumstances I was once more free again: and I +kept my resolution then made, never to fall more into the hands of any +recruiter, and henceforth and for ever to be a gentleman. + +With this sum of money, and a good run of luck which ensued presently, +we were enabled to make no ungenteel figure. My uncle speedily joined +me at the inn at Dresden, where, under pretence of illness, I had +kept quiet until his arrival; and, as the Chevalier de Balibari was in +particular good odour at the Court of Dresden (having been an intimate +acquaintance of the late monarch, the Elector, King of Poland, the most +dissolute and agreeable of European princes), I was speedily in the very +best society of the Saxon capital: where I may say that my own person +and manners, and the singularity of the adventures in which I had been a +hero, made me especially welcome. There was not a party of the nobility +to which the two gentlemen of Balibari were not invited. I had the +honour of kissing hands and being graciously received at Court by the +Elector, and I wrote home to my mother such a flaming description of my +prosperity, that the good soul very nearly forgot her celestial welfare +and her confessor, the Reverend Joshua Jowls, in order to come after me +to Germany; but travelling was very difficult in those days, and so we +were spared the arrival of the good lady. + +I think the soul of Harry Barry, my father, who was always so genteel +in his turn of mind, must have rejoiced to see the position which I now +occupied; all the women anxious to receive me, all the men in a fury; +hobnobbing with dukes and counts at supper, dancing minuets with +high-well-born baronesses (as they absurdly call themselves in Germany), +with lovely excellencies, nay, with highnesses and transparencies +themselves: who could compete with the gallant young Irish noble? who +would suppose that seven weeks before I had been a common--bah! I am +ashamed to think of it! One of the pleasantest moments of my life was at +a grand gala at the Electoral Palace, where I had the honour of walking +a polonaise with no other than the Margravine of Bayreuth, old Fritz’s +own sister: old Fritz’s, whose hateful blue-baize livery I had worn, +whose belts I had pipeclayed, and whose abominable rations of small beer +and sauerkraut I had swallowed for five years. + +Having won an English chariot from an Italian gentleman at play, my +uncle had our arms painted on the panels in a more splendid way than +ever, surmounted (as we were descended from the ancient kings) with an +Irish crown of the most splendid size and gilding. I had this crown in +lieu of a coronet engraved on a large amethyst signet-ring worn on my +forefinger; and I don’t mind confessing that I used to say the jewel had +been in my family for several thousand years, having originally belonged +to my direct ancestor, his late Majesty King Brian Boru, or Barry. I +warrant the legends of the Heralds’ College are not more authentic than +mine was. + +At first the Minister and the gentlemen at the English hotel used to be +rather shy of us two Irish noblemen, and questioned our pretensions to +rank. The Minister was a lord’s son, it is true, but he was likewise a +grocer’s grandson; and so I told him at Count Lobkowitz’s masquerade. +My uncle, like a noble gentleman as he was, knew the pedigree of +every considerable family in Europe. He said it was the only knowledge +befitting a gentleman; and when we were not at cards, we would pass +hours over Gwillim or D’Hozier, reading the genealogies, learning the +blazons, and making ourselves acquainted with the relationships of +our class. Alas! the noble science is going into disrepute now: so are +cards, without which studies and pastimes I can hardly conceive how a +man of honour can exist. + +My first affair of honour with a man of undoubted fashion was on the +score of my nobility, with young Sir Rumford Bumford of the English +embassy; my uncle at the same time sending a cartel to the Minister, who +declined to come. I shot Sir Rumford in the leg, amidst the tears of joy +of my uncle, who accompanied me to the ground; and I promise you that +none of the young gentlemen questioned the authenticity of my pedigree, +or laughed at my Irish crown again. + +What a delightful life did we now lead! I knew I was born a gentleman, +from the kindly way in which I took to the business: as business +it certainly is. For though it SEEMS all pleasure, yet I assure any +low-bred persons who may chance to read this, that we, their betters, +have to work as well as they: though I did not rise until noon, yet had +I not been up at play until long past midnight? Many a time have we come +home to bed as the troops were marching out to early parade; and oh! +it did my heart good to hear the bugles blowing the reveille before +daybreak, or to see the regiments marching out to exercise, and think +that I was no longer bound to that disgusting discipline, but restored +to my natural station. + +I came into it at once, and as if I had never done anything else all my +life. I had a gentleman to wait upon me, a French friseur to dress my +hair of a morning; I knew the taste of chocolate as by intuition almost, +and could distinguish between the right Spanish and the French before +I had been a week in my new position; I had rings on all my fingers, +watches in both my fobs, canes, trinkets, and snuffboxes of all sorts, +and each outvying the other in elegance. I had the finest natural taste +for lace and china of any man I ever knew; I could judge a horse as well +as any Jew dealer in Germany; in shooting and athletic exercises I +was unrivalled; I could not spell, but I could speak German and French +cleverly. I had at the least twelve suits of clothes; three richly +embroidered with gold, two laced with silver, a garnet-coloured velvet +pelisse lined with sable; one of French grey, silver-laced, and lined +with chinchilla. I had damask morning robes. I took lessons on the +guitar, and sang French catches exquisitely. Where, in fact, was there a +more accomplished gentleman than Redmond de Balibari? + +All the luxuries becoming my station could not, of course, be purchased +without credit and money: to procure which, as our patrimony had been +wasted by our ancestors, and we were above the vulgarity and slow +returns and doubtful chances of trade, my uncle kept a faro-bank. We +were in partnership with a Florentine, well known in all the Courts +of Europe, the Count Alessandro Pippi, as skilful a player as ever was +seen; but he turned out a sad knave latterly, and I have discovered that +his countship was a mere imposture. My uncle was maimed, as I have said; +Pippi, like all impostors, was a coward; it was my unrivalled skill with +the sword, and readiness to use it, that maintained the reputation of +the firm, so to speak, and silenced many a timid gambler who might have +hesitated to pay his losings. We always played on parole with anybody: +any person, that is, of honour and noble lineage. We never pressed for +our winnings or declined to receive promissory notes in lieu of gold. +But woe to the man who did not pay when the note became due! Redmond +de Balibari was sure to wait upon him with his bill, and I promise you +there were very few bad debts: on the contrary, gentlemen were +grateful to us for our forbearance, and our character for honour stood +unimpeached. In later times, a vulgar national prejudice has chosen +to cast a slur upon the character of men of honour engaged in the +profession of play; but I speak of the good old days in Europe, before +the cowardice of the French aristocracy (in the shameful Revolution, +which served them right) brought discredit and ruin upon our order. They +cry fie now upon men engaged in play; but I should like to know how much +more honourable THEIR modes of livelihood are than ours. The broker of +the Exchange who bulls and bears, and buys and sells, and dabbles with +lying loans, and trades on State secrets, what is he but a gamester? The +merchant who deals in teas and tallow, is he any better? His bales of +dirty indigo are his dice, his cards come up every year instead of every +ten minutes, and the sea is his green table. You call the profession of +the law an honourable one, where a man will lie for any bidder; lie down +poverty for the sake of a fee from wealth, lie down right because wrong +is in his brief. You call a doctor an honourable man, a swindling quack, +who does not believe in the nostrums which he prescribes, and takes your +guinea for whispering in your ear that it is a fine morning; and +yet, forsooth, a gallant man who sits him down before the baize and +challenges all comers, his money against theirs, his fortune against +theirs, is proscribed by your modern moral world. It is a conspiracy +of the middle classes against gentlemen: it is only the shopkeeper cant +which is to go down nowadays. I say that play was an institution of +chivalry: it has been wrecked, along with other privileges of men of +birth. When Seingalt engaged a man for six-and-thirty hours without +leaving the table, do you think he showed no courage? How have we had +the best blood, and the brightest eyes, too, of Europe throbbing round +the table, as I and my uncle have held the cards and the bank against +some terrible player, who was matching some thousands out of his +millions against our all which was there on the baize! when we engaged +that daring Alexis Kossloffsky, and won seven thousand louis in a single +coup, had we lost, we should have been beggars the next day; when HE +lost, he was only a village and a few hundred serfs in pawn the worse. +When, at Toeplitz, the Duke of Courland brought fourteen lacqueys, each +with four bags of florins, and challenged our bank to play against +the sealed bags, what did we ask? ‘Sir,’ said we, ‘we have but eighty +thousand florins in bank, or two hundred thousand at three months. If +your Highness’s bags do not contain more than eighty thousand, we will +meet you.’ And we did, and after eleven hours’ play, in which our +bank was at one time reduced to two hundred and three ducats, we won +seventeen thousand florins of him. Is THIS not something like boldness? +does THIS profession not require skill, and perseverance, and bravery? +Four crowned heads looked on at the game, and an Imperial princess, when +I turned up the ace of hearts and made Paroli, burst into tears. No +man on the European Continent held a higher position than Redmond Barry +then; and when the Duke of Courland lost, he was pleased to say that we +had won nobly; and so we had, and spent nobly what we won. + +At this period my uncle, who attended mass every day regularly, always +put ten florins into the box. Wherever we went, the tavern-keepers made +us more welcome than royal princes. We used to give away the broken meat +from our suppers and dinners to scores of beggars who blessed us. Every +man who held my horse or cleaned my boots got a ducat for his pains. +I was, I may say, the author of our common good fortune, by putting +boldness into our play. Pippi was a faint-hearted fellow, who was always +cowardly when he began to win. My uncle (I speak with great respect of +him) was too much of a devotee, and too much of a martinet at play ever +to win GREATLY. His moral courage was unquestionable, but his daring was +not sufficient. Both of these my seniors very soon acknowledged me to be +their chief, and hence the style of splendour I have described. + +I have mentioned H.I.H. the Princess Frederica Amelia, who was affected +by my success, and shall always think with gratitude of the protection +with which that exalted lady honoured me. She was passionately fond of +play, as indeed were the ladies of almost all the Courts in Europe in +those days, and hence would often arise no small trouble to us; for the +truth must be told, that ladies love to play, certainly, but not to PAY. +The point of honour is not understood by the charming sex; and it was +with the greatest difficulty, in our peregrinations to the various +Courts of Northern Europe, that we could keep them from the table, could +get their money if they lost, or, if they paid, prevent them from using +the most furious and extraordinary means of revenge. In those great days +of our fortune, I calculate that we lost no less than fourteen thousand +louis by such failures of payment. A princess of a ducal house gave us +paste instead of diamonds, which she had solemnly pledged to us; another +organised a robbery of the Crown jewels, and would have charged the +theft upon us, but for Pippi’s caution, who had kept back a note of hand +‘her High Transparency’ gave us, and sent it to his ambassador; by which +precaution I do believe our necks were saved. A third lady of high (but +not princely) rank, after I had won a considerable sum in diamonds and +pearls from her, sent her lover with a band of cut-throats to waylay me; +and it was only by extraordinary courage, skill, and good luck, that +I escaped from these villains, wounded myself, but leaving the chief +aggressor dead on the ground: my sword entered his eye and broke there, +and the villains who were with him fled, seeing their chief fall. They +might have finished me else, for I had no weapon of defence. + +Thus it will be seen that our life, for all its splendour, was one of +extreme danger and difficulty, requiring high talents and courage for +success; and often, when we were in a full vein of success, we were +suddenly driven from our ground on account of some freak of a reigning +prince, some intrigue of a disappointed mistress, or some quarrel with +the police minister. If the latter personage were not bribed or won +over, nothing was more common than for us to receive a sudden order of +departure; and so, perforce, we lived a wandering and desultory life. + +Though the gains of such a life are, as I have said, very great, yet the +expenses are enormous. Our appearance and retinue was too splendid for +the narrow mind of Pippi, who was always crying out at my extravagance, +though obliged to own that his own meanness and parsimony would never +have achieved the great victories which my generosity had won. With all +our success, our capital was not very great. That speech to the Duke +of Courland, for instance, was a mere boast as far as the two hundred +thousand florins at three months were concerned. We had no credit, and +no money beyond that on our table, and should have been forced to fly if +his Highness had won and accepted our bills. Sometimes, too, we were +hit very hard. A bank is a certainty, ALMOST; but now and then a bad day +will come; and men who have the courage of good fortune, at least, ought +to meet bad luck well: the former, believe me, is the harder task of the +two. + +One of these evil chances befell us in the Duke of Baden’s territory, at +Mannheim. Pippi, who was always on the look-out for business, offered +to make a bank at the inn where we put up, and where the officers of the +Duke’s cuirassiers supped; and some small play accordingly took place, +and some wretched crowns and louis changed hands: I trust, rather to +the advantage of these poor gentlemen of the army, who are surely the +poorest of all devils under the sun. + +But, as ill luck would have it, a couple of young students from the +neighbouring University of Heidelberg, who had come to Mannheim for +their quarter’s revenue, and so had some hundred of dollars between +them, were introduced to the table, and, having never played before, +began to win (as is always the case). As ill luck would have it, too, +they were tipsy, and against tipsiness I have often found the best +calculations of play fail entirely. They played in the most perfectly +insane way, and yet won always. Every card they backed turned up in +their favour. They had won a hundred louis from us in ten minutes; and, +seeing that Pippi was growing angry and the luck against us, I was for +shutting up the bank for the night, saying the play was only meant for a +joke, and that now we had had enough. + +But Pippi, who had quarrelled with me that day, was determined to +proceed, and the upshot was, that the students played and won more; +then they lent money to the officers, who began to win, too; and in this +ignoble way, in a tavern room thick with tobacco-smoke, across a +deal table besmeared with beer and liquor, and to a parcel of hungry +subalterns and a pair of beardless students, three of the most skilful +and renowned players in Europe lost seventeen hundred louis! I blush +now when I think of it. It was like Charles XII or Richard Coeur de Lion +falling before a petty fortress and an unknown hand (as my friend Mr. +Johnson wrote), and was, in fact, a most shameful defeat. + +Nor was this the only defeat. When our poor conquerors had gone off, +bewildered with the treasure which fortune had flung in their way +(one of these students was called the Baron de Clootz, perhaps he who +afterwards lost his head at Paris), Pippi resumed the quarrel of the +morning, and some exceedingly high words passed between us. Among other +things I recollect I knocked him down with a stool, and was for flinging +him out of the window; but my uncle, who was cool, and had been +keeping Lent with his usual solemnity, interposed between us, and a +reconciliation took place, Pippi apologising and confessing he had been +wrong. + +I ought to have doubted, however, the sincerity of the treacherous +Italian; indeed, as I never before believed a word that he said in his +life, I know not why I was so foolish as to credit him now, and go to +bed, leaving the keys of our cash-box with him. It contained, after our +loss to the cuirassiers, in bills and money, near upon L8000 sterling. +Pippi insisted that our reconciliation should be ratified over a bowl of +hot wine, and I have no doubt put some soporific drug into the liquor; +for my uncle and I both slept till very late the next morning, and woke +with violent headaches and fever: we did not quit our beds till noon. He +had been gone twelve hours, leaving our treasury empty; and behind him +a sort of calculation, by which he strove to make out that this was his +share of the profits, and that all the losses had been incurred without +his consent. + +Thus, after eighteen months, we had to begin the world again. But was I +cast down? No. Our wardrobes still were worth a very large sum of money; +for gentlemen did not dress like parish-clerks in those days, and +a person of fashion would often wear a suit of clothes and a set of +ornaments that would be a shop-boy’s fortune; so, without repining for +one single minute, or saying a single angry word (my uncle’s temper in +this respect was admirable), or allowing the secret of our loss to +be known to a mortal soul, we pawned three-fourths of our jewels and +clothes to Moses Lowe the banker, and with the produce of the sale, and +our private pocket-money, amounting in all to something less than 800 +louis, we took the field again. + + + + +CHAPTER X. MORE RUNS OF LUCK + +I am not going to entertain my readers with an account of my +professional career as a gamester, any more than I did with anecdotes of +my life as a military man. I might fill volumes with tales of this kind +were I so minded; but at this rate, my recital would not be brought to +a conclusion for years, and who knows how soon I may be called upon to +stop? I have gout, rheumatism, gravel, and a disordered liver. I have +two or three wounds in my body, which break out every now and then, and +give me intolerable pain, and a hundred more signs of breaking up. +Such are the effects of time, illness, and free-living, upon one of +the strongest constitutions and finest forms the world ever saw. Ah! I +suffered from none of these ills in the year ‘66, when there was no +man in Europe more gay in spirits, more splendid in personal +accomplishments, than young Redmond Barry. + +Before the treachery of the scoundrel Pippi, I had visited many of +the best Courts of Europe; especially the smaller ones, where play was +patronised, and the professors of that science always welcome. Among +the ecclesiastical principalities of the Rhine we were particularly well +received. I never knew finer or gayer Courts than those of the Electors +of Treves and Cologne, where there was more splendour and gaiety than at +Vienna; far more than in the wretched barrack-court of Berlin. The Court +of the Archduchess-Governess of the Netherlands was, likewise, a royal +place for us knights of the dice-box and gallant votaries of fortune; +whereas in the stingy Dutch or the beggarly Swiss republics, it was +impossible for a gentleman to gain a livelihood unmolested. + +After our mishap at Mannheim, my uncle and I made for the Duchy of X---. +The reader may find out the place easily enough; but I do not choose to +print at full the names of some illustrious persons in whose society I +then fell, and among whom I was made the sharer in a very strange and +tragical adventure. + +There was no Court in Europe at which strangers were more welcome than +at that of the noble Duke of X---; none where pleasure was more eagerly +sought after, and more splendidly enjoyed. The Prince did not inhabit +his capital of S---, but, imitating in every respect the ceremonial of +the Court of Versailles, built himself a magnificent palace at a +few leagues from his chief city, and round about his palace a superb +aristocratic town, inhabited entirely by his nobles, and the officers of +his sumptuous Court. The people were rather hardly pressed, to be sure, +in order to keep up this splendour; for his Highness’s dominions were +small, and so he wisely lived in a sort of awful retirement from them, +seldom showing his face in his capital, or seeing any countenances but +those of his faithful domestics and officers. His palace and gardens of +Ludwigslust were exactly on the French model. Twice a week there were +Court receptions, and grand Court galas twice a month. There was the +finest opera out of France, and a ballet unrivalled in splendour; +on which his Highness, a great lover of music and dancing, expended +prodigious sums. It may be because I was then young, but I think I never +saw such an assemblage of brilliant beauty as used to figure there on +the stage of the Court theatre, in the grand mythological ballets which +were then the mode, and in which you saw Mars in red-heeled pumps and +a periwig, and Venus in patches and a hoop. They say the costume was +incorrect, and have changed it since; but for my part, I have never +seen a Venus more lovely than the Coralie, who was the chief dancer, and +found no fault with the attendant nymphs, in their trains, and lappets, +and powder. These operas used to take place twice a week, after +which some great officer of the Court would have his evening, and his +brilliant supper, and the dice-box rattled everywhere, and all the world +played. I have seen seventy play-tables set out in the grand gallery +of Ludwigslust, besides the faro-bank; where the Duke himself would +graciously come and play, and win or lose with a truly royal splendour. + +It was hither we came after the Mannheim misfortune. The nobility of the +Court were pleased to say our reputation had preceded us, and the two +Irish gentleman were made welcome. The very first night at Court we lost +740 of our 800 louis; the next evening, at the Court Marshal’s table, I +won them back, with 1300 more. You may be sure we allowed no one to know +how near we were to ruin on the first evening; but, on the contrary, +I endeared every one to me by my gay manner of losing, and the Finance +Minister himself cashed a note for 400 ducats, drawn by me upon my +steward of Ballybarry Castle in the kingdom of Ireland; which very note +I won from his Excellency the next day, along with a considerable sum in +ready cash. In that noble Court everybody was a gambler. You would see +the lacqueys in the ducal ante-rooms at work with their dirty packs of +cards; the coach and chair men playing in the court, while their masters +were punting in the saloons above; the very cook-maids and scullions, I +was told, had a bank, where one of them, an Italian confectioner, made +a handsome fortune: he purchased afterwards a Roman marquisate, and +his son has figured as one of the most fashionable of the illustrious +foreigners in London. The poor devils of soldiers played away their pay +when they got it, which was seldom; and I don’t believe there was an +officer in any one of the guard regiments but had his cards in his +pouch, and no more forgot his dice than his sword-knot. Among such +fellows it was diamond cut diamond. What you call fair play would have +been a folly. The gentlemen of Ballybarry would have been fools indeed +to appear as pigeons in such a hawk’s nest. None but men of courage and +genius could live and prosper in a society where every one was bold and +clever; and here my uncle and I held our own: ay, and more than our own. + +His Highness the Duke was a widower, or rather, since the death of the +reigning Duchess, had contracted a morganatic marriage with a lady +whom he had ennobled, and who considered it a compliment (such was the +morality of those days) to be called the Northern Dubarry. He had been +married very young, and his son, the Hereditary Prince, may be said to +have been the political sovereign of the State: for the reigning Duke +was fonder of pleasure than of politics, and loved to talk a great deal +more with his grand huntsman, or the director of his opera, than with +ministers and ambassadors. + +The Hereditary Prince, whom I shall call Prince Victor, was of a very +different character from his august father. He had made the Wars of the +Succession and Seven Years with great credit in the Empress’s service, +was of a stern character, seldom appeared at Court, except when ceremony +called him, but lived almost alone in his wing of the palace, where he +devoted himself to the severest studies, being a great astronomer and +chemist. He shared in the rage then common throughout Europe, of hunting +for the philosopher’s stone; and my uncle often regretted that he had no +smattering of chemistry, like Balsamo (who called himself Cagliostro), +St. Germain, and other individuals, who had obtained very great sums +from Duke Victor by aiding him in his search after the great secret. His +amusements were hunting and reviewing the troops; but for him, and if +his good-natured father had not had his aid, the army would have been +playing at cards all day, and so it was well that the prudent prince was +left to govern. + +Duke Victor was fifty years of age, and his princess, the Princess +Olivia, was scarce three-and-twenty. They had been married seven years, +and in the first years of their union the Princess had borne him a son +and a daughter. The stern morals and manners, the dark and ungainly +appearance, of the husband, were little likely to please the brilliant +and fascinating young woman, who had been educated in the south (she +was connected with the ducal house of S---), who had passed two years +at Paris under the guardianship of Mesdames the daughters of His Most +Christian Majesty, and who was the life and soul of the Court of X---, +the gayest of the gay, the idol of her august father-in-law, and, +indeed, of the whole Court. She was not beautiful, but charming; not +witty, but charming, too, in her conversation as in her person. She was +extravagant beyond all measure; so false, that you could not trust her; +but her very weaknesses were more winning than the virtues of other +women, her selfishness more delightful than others’ generosity. I never +knew a woman whose faults made her so attractive. She used to ruin +people, and yet they all loved her. My old uncle has seen her cheating +at ombre, and let her win 400 louis without resisting in the least. Her +caprices with the officers and ladies of her household were ceaseless: +but they adored her. She was the only one of the reigning family whom +the people worshipped. She never went abroad but they followed her +carriage with shouts of acclamation: and, to be generous to them, she +would borrow the last penny from one of her poor maids of honour, +whom she would never pay. In the early days her husband was as much +fascinated by her as all the rest of the world was; but her caprices had +caused frightful outbreaks of temper on his part, and an estrangement +which, though interrupted by almost mad returns of love, was still +general. I speak of her Royal Highness with perfect candour and +admiration, although I might be pardoned for judging her more severely, +considering her opinion of myself. She said the elder Monsieur de +Balibari was a finished old gentleman, and the younger one had the +manners of a courier. The world has given a different opinion, and I can +afford to chronicle this almost single sentence against me. Besides, she +had a reason for her dislike to me, which you shall hear. + +Five years in the army, long experience of the world, had ere now +dispelled any of those romantic notions regarding love with which I +commenced life; and I had determined, as is proper with gentlemen (it +is only your low people who marry for mere affection), to consolidate my +fortunes by marriage. In the course of our peregrinations, my uncle +and I had made several attempts to carry this object into effect; but +numerous disappointments had occurred which are not worth mentioning +here, and had prevented me hitherto from making such a match as I +thought was worthy of a man of my birth, abilities, and personal +appearance. Ladies are not in the habit of running away on the +Continent, as is the custom in England (a custom whereby many +honourable gentlemen of my country have much benefited!); guardians, and +ceremonies, and difficulties of all kinds intervene; true love is not +allowed to have its course, and poor women cannot give away their honest +hearts to the gallant fellows who have won them. Now it was settlements +that were asked for; now it was my pedigree and title-deeds that were +not satisfactory: though I had a plan and rent-roll of the Ballybarry +estates, and the genealogy of the family up to King Brian Boru, or +Barry, most handsomely designed on paper; now it was a young lady who +was whisked off to a convent just as she was ready to fall into my arms; +on another occasion, when a rich widow of the Low Countries was about to +make me lord of a noble estate in Flanders, comes an order of the police +which drives me out of Brussels at an hour’s notice, and consigns my +mourner to her chateau. But at X---I had an opportunity of playing a +great game: and had won it too, but for the dreadful catastrophe which +upset my fortune. + +In the household of the Hereditary Princess there was a lady nineteen +years of age, and possessor of the greatest fortune in the whole duchy. +The Countess Ida, such was her name, was daughter of a late Minister and +favourite of his Highness the Duke of X---and his Duchess, who had done +her the honour to be her sponsors at birth, and who, at the father’s +death, had taken her under their august guardianship and protection. At +sixteen she was brought from her castle, where, up to that period, she +had been permitted to reside, and had been placed with the Princess +Olivia, as one of her Highness’s maids of honour. + +The aunt of the Countess Ida, who presided over her house during her +minority, had foolishly allowed her to contract an attachment for her +cousin-german, a penniless sub-lieutenant in one of the Duke’s foot +regiments, who had flattered himself to be able to carry off this rich +prize; and if he had not been a blundering silly idiot indeed, with the +advantage of seeing her constantly, of having no rival near him, and the +intimacy attendant upon close kinsmanship, might easily, by a private +marriage, have secured the young Countess and her possessions. But +he managed matters so foolishly, that he allowed her to leave her +retirement, to come to Court for a year, and take her place in the +Princess Olivia’s household; and then what does my young gentleman do, +but appear at the Duke’s levee one day, in his tarnished epaulet and +threadbare coat, and make an application in due form to his Highness, +as the young lady’s guardian, for the hand of the richest heiress in his +dominions! + +The weakness of the good-natured Prince was such that, as the Countess +Ida herself was quite as eager for the match as her silly cousin, +his Highness might have been induced to allow the match, had not the +Princess Olivia been induced to interpose, and to procure from the +Duke a peremptory veto to the hopes of the young man. The cause of this +refusal was as yet unknown; no other suitor for the young lady’s hand +was mentioned, and the lovers continued to correspond, hoping that time +might effect a change in his Highness’s resolutions; when, of a sudden, +the lieutenant was drafted into one of the regiments which the Prince +was in the habit of selling to the great powers then at war (this +military commerce was a principal part of his Highness’s and other +princes’ revenues in those days), and their connection was thus abruptly +broken off. + +It was strange that the Princess Olivia should have taken this part +against a young lady who had been her favourite; for, at first, with +those romantic and sentimental notions which almost every woman has, she +had somewhat encouraged the Countess Ida and her penniless lover, but +now suddenly turned against them; and, from loving the Countess, as she +previously had done, pursued her with every manner of hatred which a +woman knows how to inflict: there was no end to the ingenuity of her +tortures, the venom of her tongue, the bitterness of her sarcasm and +scorn. When I first came to Court at X--, the young fellows there had +nicknamed the young lady the Dumme Grafinn, the stupid Countess. She +was generally silent, handsome, but pale, stolid-looking, and awkward; +taking no interest in the amusements of the place, and appearing in the +midst of the feasts as glum as the death’s-head which, they say, the +Romans used to have at their tables. + +It was rumoured that a young gentleman of French extraction, the +Chevalier de Magny, equerry to the Hereditary Prince, and present at +Paris when the Princess Olivia was married to him by proxy there, was +the intended of the rich Countess Ida; but no official declaration +of the kind was yet made, and there were whispers of a dark intrigue: +which, subsequently, received frightful confirmation. + +This Chevalier de Magny was the grandson of an old general officer in +the Duke’s service, the Baron de Magny. The Baron’s father had quitted +France at the expulsion of Protestants after the revocation of the edict +of Nantes, and taken service in X--, where he died. The son succeeded +him, and, quite unlike most French gentlemen of birth whom I have known, +was a stern and cold Calvinist, rigid in the performance of his duty, +retiring in his manners, mingling little with the Court, and a close +friend and favourite of Duke Victor; whom he resembled in disposition. + +The Chevalier his grandson was a true Frenchman; he had been born in +France, where his father held a diplomatic appointment in the Duke’s +service. He had mingled in the gay society of the most brilliant Court +in the world, and had endless stories to tell us of the pleasures of the +petites maisons, of the secrets of the Parc aux Cerfs, and of the wild +gaieties of Richelieu and his companions. He had been almost ruined at +play, as his father had been before him; for, out of the reach of the +stern old Baron in Germany, both son and grandson had led the most +reckless of lives. He came back from Paris soon after the embassy which +had been despatched thither on the occasion of the marriage of the +Princess, was received sternly by his old grandfather; who, however, +paid his debts once more, and procured him the post in the Duke’s +household. The Chevalier de Magny rendered himself a great favourite +of his august master; he brought with him the modes and the gaieties +of Paris; he was the deviser of all the masquerades and balls, the +recruiter of the ballet-dancers, and by far the most brilliant and +splendid young gentleman of the Court. + +After we had been a few weeks at Ludwigslust, the old Baron de Magny +endeavoured to have us dismissed from the duchy; but his voice was not +strong enough to overcome that of the general public, and the Chevalier +de Magny especially stood our friend with his Highness when the question +was debated before him. The Chevalier’s love of play had not deserted +him. He was a regular frequenter of our bank, where he played for some +time with pretty good luck; and where, when he began to lose, he paid +with a regularity surprising to all those who knew the smallness of his +means, and the splendour of his appearance. + +Her Highness the Princess Olivia was also very fond of play. On +half-a-dozen occasions when we held a bank at Court, I could see her +passion for the game. I could see--that is, my cool-headed old uncle +could see--much more. There was an intelligence between Monsieur de +Magny and this illustrious lady. ‘If her Highness be not in love with +the little Frenchman,’ my uncle said to me one night after play, ‘may I +lose the sight of my last eye!’ + +‘And what then, sir?’ said I. + +‘What then?’ said my uncle, looking me hard in the face. ‘Are you so +green as not to know what then? Your fortune is to be made, if you +choose to back it now; and we may have back the Barry estates in two +years, my boy.’ + +‘How is that?’ asked I, still at a loss. + +My uncle drily said, ‘Get Magny to play; never mind his paying: take +his notes of hand. The more he owes the better; but, above all, make him +play.’ + +‘He can’t pay a shilling,’ answered I. ‘The Jews will not discount his +notes at cent. per cent.’ + +‘So much the better. You shall see we will make use of them,’ answered +the old gentleman. And I must confess that the plan he laid was a +gallant, clever, and fair one. + +I was to make Magny play; in this there was no great difficulty. We had +an intimacy together, for he was a good sportsman as well as myself, and +we came to have a pretty considerable friendship for one another; if he +saw a dice-box it was impossible to prevent him from handling it; but he +took to it as natural as a child does to sweetmeats. + +At first he won of me; then he began to lose; then I played him money +against some jewels that he brought: family trinkets, he said, and +indeed of considerable value. He begged me, however, not to dispose of +them in the duchy, and I gave and kept my word to him to this effect. +From jewels he got to playing upon promissory notes; and as they would +not allow him to play at the Court tables and in public upon credit, he +was very glad to have an opportunity of indulging his favourite passion +in private. I have had him for hours at my pavilion (which I had fitted +up in the Eastern manner, very splendid) rattling the dice till it +became time to go to his service at Court, and we would spend day after +day in this manner. He brought me more jewels,--a pearl necklace, +an antique emerald breast ornament, and other trinkets, as a set-off +against these losses: for I need not say that I should not have played +with him all this time had he been winning; but, after about a week, the +luck set in against him, and he became my debtor in a prodigious sum. I +do not care to mention the extent of it; it was such as I never thought +the young man could pay. + +Why, then, did I play for it? Why waste days in private play with a mere +bankrupt, when business seemingly much more profitable was to be done +elsewhere? My reason I boldly confess. I wanted to win from Monsieur de +Magny, not his money, but his intended wife, the Countess Ida. Who can +say that I had not a right to use ANY stratagem in this matter of love? +Or, why say love? I wanted the wealth of the lady: I loved her quite as +much as Magny did; I loved her quite as much as yonder blushing virgin +of seventeen does who marries an old lord of seventy. I followed the +practice of the world in this; having resolved that marriage should +achieve my fortune. + +I used to make Magny, after his losses, give me a friendly letter of +acknowledgment to some such effect as this,-- + +‘MY DEAR MONSIEUR DE BALIBARI,--I acknowledge to have lost to you this +day at lansquenet [or picquet, or hazard, as the case may be: I was +master of him at any game that is played] the sum of three hundred +ducats, and shall hold it as a great kindness on your part if you will +allow the debt to stand over until a future day, when you shall receive +payment from your very grateful humble servant.’ + +With the jewels he brought me I also took the precaution (but this was +my uncle’s idea, and a very good one) to have a sort of invoice, and a +letter begging me to receive the trinkets as so much part payment of a +sum of money he owed me. + +When I had put him in such a position as I deemed favourable to my +intentions, I spoke to him candidly, and without any reserve, as one man +of the world should speak to another. ‘I will not, my dear fellow,’ said +I, ‘pay you so bad a compliment as to suppose that you expect we are +to go on playing at this rate much longer, and that there is any +satisfaction to me in possessing more or less sheets of paper bearing +your signature, and a series of notes of hand which I know you never +can pay. Don’t look fierce or angry, for you know Redmond Barry is your +master at the sword; besides, I would not be such a fool as to fight a +man who owes me so much money; but hear calmly what I have to propose. + +‘You have been very confidential to me during our intimacy of the last +month; and I know all your personal affairs completely. You have given +your word of honour to your grandfather never to play upon parole, and +you know how you have kept it, and that he will disinherit you if he +hears the truth. Nay, suppose he dies to-morrow, his estate is not +sufficient to pay the sum in which you are indebted to me; and, were you +to yield me up all, you would be a beggar, and a bankrupt too. + +‘Her Highness the Princess Olivia denies you nothing. I shall not ask +why; but give me leave to say, I was aware of the fact when we began to +play together.’ + +‘Will you be made baron-chamberlain, with the grand cordon of the +order?’ gasped the poor fellow. ‘The Princess can do anything with the +Duke.’ + +‘I shall have no objection,’ said I, ‘to the yellow riband and the gold +key; though a gentleman of the house of Ballybarry cares little for +the titles of the German nobility. But this is not what I want. My good +Chevalier, you have hid no secrets from me. You have told me with +what difficulty you have induced the Princess Olivia to consent to the +project of your union with the Grafinn Ida, whom you don’t love. I know +whom you love very well.’ + +‘Monsieur de Balibari!’ said the discomfited Chevalier; he could get out +no more. The truth began to dawn upon him. + +‘You begin to understand,’ continued I. ‘Her Highness the Princess’ (I +said this in a sarcastic way) ‘will not be very angry, believe me, if +you break off your connection with the stupid Countess. I am no more an +admirer of that lady than you are; but I want her estate. I played you +for that estate, and have won it; and I will give you your bills and +five thousand ducats on the day I am married to it.’ + +‘The day _I_ am married to the Countess,’ answered the Chevalier, +thinking to have me, ‘I will be able to raise money to pay your claim +ten times over’ (this was true, for the Countess’s property may have +been valued at near half a million of our money); ‘and then I will +discharge my obligations to you. Meanwhile, if you annoy me by threats, +or insult me again as you have done, I will use that influence, which, +as you say, I possess, and have you turned out of the duchy, as you were +out of the Netherlands last year.’ + +I rang the bell quite quietly. ‘Zamor,’ said I to a tall negro fellow +habited like a Turk, that used to wait upon me, ‘when you hear the bell +ring a second time, you will take this packet to the Marshal of the +Court, this to his Excellency the General de Magny, and this you +will place in the hands of one of the equerries of his Highness the +Hereditary Prince. Wait in the ante-room, and do not go with the parcels +until I ring again.’ + +The black fellow having retired, I turned to Monsieur de Magny and said, +‘Chevalier, the first packet contains a letter from you to me, declaring +your solvency, and solemnly promising payment of the sums you owe me; it +is accompanied by a document from myself (for I expected some resistance +on your part), stating that my honour has been called in question, +and begging that the paper may be laid before your august master his +Highness. The second packet is for your grandfather, enclosing the +letter from you in which you state yourself to be his heir, and begging +for a confirmation of the fact. The last parcel, for his Highness the +Hereditary Duke,’ added I, looking most sternly, ‘contains the Gustavus +Adolphus emerald, which he gave to his princess, and which you pledged +to me as a family jewel of your own. Your influence with her Highness +must be great indeed,’ I concluded, ‘when you could extort from her +such a jewel as that, and when you could make her, in order to pay your +play-debts, give up a secret upon which both your heads depend.’ + +‘Villain!’ said the Frenchman, quite aghast with fury and terror, ‘would +you implicate the Princess?’ + +‘Monsieur de Magny,’ I answered, with a sneer, ‘no: I will say YOU STOLE +the jewel.’ It was my belief he did, and that the unhappy and infatuated +Princess was never privy to the theft until long after it had been +committed. How we came to know the history of the emerald is simple +enough. As we wanted money (for my occupation with Magny caused our bank +to be much neglected), my uncle had carried Magny’s trinkets to Mannheim +to pawn. The Jew who lent upon them knew the history of the stone in +question; and when he asked how her Highness came to part with it, my +uncle very cleverly took up the story where he found it, said that the +Princess was very fond of play, that it was not always convenient to +her to pay, and hence the emerald had come into our hands. He brought it +wisely back with him to S--; and, as regards the other jewels which the +Chevalier pawned to us, they were of no particular mark: no inquiries +have ever been made about them to this day; and I did not only not know +then that they came from her Highness, but have only my conjectures upon +the matter now. + +The unfortunate young gentleman must have had a cowardly spirit, when I +charged him with the theft, not to make use of my two pistols that were +lying by chance before him, and to send out of the world his accuser and +his own ruined self. With such imprudence and miserable recklessness on +his part and that of the unhappy lady who had forgotten herself for this +poor villain, he must have known that discovery was inevitable. But it +was written that this dreadful destiny should be accomplished: instead +of ending like a man, he now cowered before me quite spirit-broken, and, +flinging himself down on the sofa, burst into tears, calling wildly upon +all the saints to help him: as if they could be interested in the fate +of such a wretch as he! + +I saw that I had nothing to fear from him; and, calling back Zamor my +black, said I would myself carry the parcels, which I returned to my +escritoire; and, my point being thus gained, I acted, as I always do, +generously towards him. I said that, for security’s sake, I should send +the emerald out of the country, but that I pledged my honour to restore +it to the Duchess, without any pecuniary consideration, on the day when +she should procure the sovereign’s consent to my union with the Countess +Ida. + +This will explain pretty clearly, I flatter myself, the game I was +playing; and, though some rigid moralist may object to its propriety, I +say that anything is fair in love, and that men so poor as myself can’t +afford to be squeamish about their means of getting on in life. The +great and rich are welcomed, smiling, up the grand staircase of the +world; the poor but aspiring must clamber up the wall, or push and +struggle up the back stair, or, PARDI, crawl through any of the conduits +of the house, never mind how foul and narrow, that lead to the top. The +unambitious sluggard pretends that the eminence is not worth attaining, +declines altogether the struggle, and calls himself a philosopher. I say +he is a poor-spirited coward. What is life good for but for honour? and +that is so indispensable, that we should attain it anyhow. + +The manner to be adopted for Magny’s retreat was proposed by myself, and +was arranged so as to consult the feelings of delicacy of both parties. +I made Magny take the Countess Ida aside, and say to her, ‘Madam, though +I have never declared myself your admirer, you and the Court have had +sufficient proof of my regard for you; and my demand would, I know, have +been backed by his Highness, your august guardian. I know the Duke’s +gracious wish is, that my attentions should be received favourably; but, +as time has not appeared to alter your attachment elsewhere, and as I +have too much spirit to force a lady of your name and rank to be united +to me against your will, the best plan is, that I should make you, for +form’s sake, a proposal UNauthorised by his Highness: that you should +reply, as I am sorry to think your heart dictates to you, in the +negative: on which I also will formally withdraw from my pursuit of +you, stating that, after a refusal, nothing, not even the Duke’s desire, +should induce me to persist in my suit.’ + +The Countess Ida almost wept at hearing these words from Monsieur de +Magny, and tears came into her eyes, he said, as she took his hand for +the first time, and thanked him for the delicacy of the proposal. She +little knew that the Frenchman was incapable of that sort of delicacy, +and that the graceful manner in which he withdrew his addresses was of +my invention. + +As soon as he withdrew, it became my business to step forward; but +cautiously and gently, so as not to alarm the lady, and yet firmly, so +as to convince her of the hopelessness of her design of uniting herself +with her shabby lover, the sub-lieutenant. The Princess Olivia was good +enough to perform this necessary part of the plan in my favour, and +solemnly to warn the Countess Ida, that, though Monsieur de Magny had +retired from paying his addresses, his Highness her guardian would +still marry her as he thought fit, and that she must for ever forget her +out-at-elbowed adorer. In fact, I can’t conceive how such a shabby rogue +as that could ever have had the audacity to propose for her: his birth +was certainly good; but what other qualifications had he? + +When the Chevalier de Magny withdrew, numbers of other suitors, you +may be sure, presented themselves; and amongst these your very humble +servant, the cadet of Ballybarry. There was a carrousel, or tournament, +held at this period, in imitation of the antique meetings of chivalry, +in which the chevaliers tilted at each other, or at the ring; and on +this occasion I was habited in a splendid Roman dress (viz., a silver +helmet, a flowing periwig, a cuirass of gilt leather richly embroidered, +a light blue velvet mantle, and crimson morocco half-boots): and in this +habit I rode my bay horse Brian, carried off three rings, and won +the prize over all the Duke’s gentry, and the nobility of surrounding +countries who had come to the show. A wreath of gilded laurel was to +be the prize of the victor, and it was to be awarded by the lady he +selected. So I rode up to the gallery where the Countess Ida was seated +behind the Hereditary Princess, and, calling her name loudly, yet +gracefully, begged to be allowed to be crowned by her, and thus +proclaimed myself to the face of all Germany, as it were, her suitor. +She turned very pale, and the Princess red, I observed; but the Countess +Ida ended by crowning me: after which, putting spurs into my horse, I +galloped round the ring, saluting his Highness the Duke at the opposite +end, and performing the most wonderful exercises with my bay. + +My success did not, as you may imagine, increase my popularity with the +young gentry. They called me adventurer, bully, dice-loader, impostor, +and a hundred pretty names; but I had a way of silencing these gentry. +I took the Count de Schmetterling, the richest and bravest of the young +men who seemed to have a hankering for the Countess Ida, and publicly +insulted him at the ridotto; flinging my cards into his face. The next +day I rode thirty-five miles into the territory of the Elector of B----, +and met Monsieur de Schmetterling, and passed my sword twice through +his body; then rode back with my second, the Chevalier de Magny, and +presented myself at the Duchess’s whist that evening. Magny was very +unwilling to accompany me at first; but I insisted upon his support, and +that he should countenance my quarrel. Directly after paying my homage +to her Highness, I went up to the Countess Ida, and made her a marked +and low obeisance, gazing at her steadily in the face until she grew +crimson red; and then staring round at every man who formed her circle, +until, MA FOI, I stared them all away. I instructed Magny to say, +everywhere, that the Countess was madly in love with me; which +commission, along with many others of mine, the poor devil was obliged +to perform. He made rather a SOTTE FIGURE, as the French say, acting the +pioneer for me, praising me everywhere, accompanying me always! he +who had been the pink of the MODE until my arrival; he who thought his +pedigree of beggarly Barons of Magny was superior to the race of great +Irish kings from which I descended; who had sneered at me a hundred +times as a spadassin, a deserter, and had called me a vulgar Irish +upstart. Now I had my revenge of the gentleman, and took it too. + +I used to call him, in the choicest societies, by his Christian name +of Maxime. I would say, ‘Bon jour, Maxime; comment vas-TU?’ in the +Princess’s hearing, and could see him bite his lips for fury and +vexation. But I had him under my thumb, and her Highness too--I, poor +private of Bulow’s regiment. And this is a proof of what genius and +perseverance can do, and should act as a warning to great people never +to have SECRETS--if they can help it. + +I knew the Princess hated me; but what did I care? She knew I knew all: +and indeed, I believe, so strong was her prejudice against me, that she +thought I was an indelicate villain, capable of betraying a lady, which +I would scorn to do; so that she trembled before me as a child before +its schoolmaster. She would, in her woman’s way, too, make all sorts +of jokes and sneers at me on reception days; ask about my palace in +Ireland, and the kings my ancestors, and whether, when I was a private +in Bulow’s foot, my royal relatives had interposed to rescue me, and +whether the cane was smartly administered there,--anything to mortify +me. But, Heaven bless you! I can make allowances for people, and used to +laugh in her face. Whilst her jibes and jeers were continuing, it was my +pleasure to look at poor Magny and see how HE bore them. The poor devil +was trembling lest I should break out under the Princess’s sarcasm and +tell all; but my revenge was, when the Princess attacked me, to say +something bitter to HIM,--to pass it on, as boys do at school. And THAT +was the thing which used to make her Highness feel. She would wince just +as much when I attacked Magny as if I had been saying anything rude to +herself. And, though she hated me, she used to beg my pardon in private; +and though her pride would often get the better of her, yet her +prudence obliged this magnificent princess to humble herself to the poor +penniless Irish boy. + +As soon as Magny had formally withdrawn from the Countess Ida, the +Princess took the young lady into favour again, and pretended to be very +fond of her. To do them justice, I don’t know which of the two disliked +me most,--the Princess, who was all eagerness, and fire, and coquetry; +or the Countess, who was all state and splendour. The latter, +especially, pretended to be disgusted by me: and yet, after all, I have +pleased her betters; was once one of the handsomest men in Europe, and +would defy any heyduc of the Court to measure a chest or a leg with me: +but I did not care for any of her silly prejudices, and determined +to win her and wear her in spite of herself. Was it on account of +her personal charms or qualities? No. She was quite white, thin, +short-sighted, tall, and awkward, and my taste is quite the contrary; +and as for her mind, no wonder that a poor creature who had a hankering +after a wretched ragged ensign could never appreciate ME. It was her +estate I made love to; as for herself, it would be a reflection on my +taste as a man of fashion to own that I liked her. + + + + +CHAPTER XI. IN WHICH THE LUCK GOES AGAINST BARRY + +My hopes of obtaining the hand of one of the richest heiresses in +Germany were now, as far as all human probability went, and as far as +my own merits and prudence could secure my fortune, pretty certain of +completion. I was admitted whenever I presented myself at the Princess’s +apartments, and had as frequent opportunities as I desired of seeing +the Countess Ida there. I cannot say that she received me with any +particular favour; the silly young creature’s affections were, as I have +said, engaged ignobly elsewhere; and, however captivating my own person +and manners may have been, it was not to be expected that she should all +of a sudden forget her lover for the sake of the young Irish gentleman +who was paying his addresses to her. But such little rebuffs as I got +were far from discouraging me. I had very powerful friends, who were to +aid me in my undertaking; and knew that, sooner or later, the victory +must be mine. In fact, I only waited my time to press my suit. Who +could tell the dreadful stroke of fortune which was impending over my +illustrious protectress, and which was to involve me partially in her +ruin? + +All things seemed for a while quite prosperous to my wishes; and in +spite of the Countess Ida’s disinclination, it was much easier to +bring her to her senses than, perhaps, may be supposed in a silly +constitutional country like England, where people are not brought up +with those wholesome sentiments of obedience to Royalty which were +customary in Europe at the time when I was a young man. + +I have stated how, through Magny, I had the Princess, as it were, at my +feet. Her Highness had only to press the match upon the old Duke, over +whom her influence was unbounded, and to secure the goodwill of +the Countess of Liliengarten, (which was the romantic title of his +Highness’s morganatic spouse), and the easy old man would give an +order for the marriage: which his ward would perforce obey. Madame de +Liliengarten was, too, from her position, extremely anxious to oblige +the Princess Olivia; who might be called upon any day to occupy the +throne. The old Duke was tottering, apoplectic, and exceedingly fond of +good living. When he was gone, his relict would find the patronage of +the Duchess Olivia most necessary to her. Hence there was a close +mutual understanding between the two ladies; and the world said that the +Hereditary Princess was already indebted to the favourite for help on +various occasions. Her Highness had obtained, through the Countess, +several large grants of money for the payment of her multifarious debts; +and she was now good enough to exert her gracious influence over Madame +de Liliengarten in order to obtain for me the object so near my +heart. It is not to be supposed that my end was to be obtained without +continual unwillingness and refusals on Magny’s part; but I pushed +my point resolutely, and had means in my hands of overcoming the +stubbornness of that feeble young gentleman. Also, I may say, without +vanity, that if the high and mighty Princess detested me, the Countess +(though she was of extremely low origin, it is said) had better taste +and admired me. She often did us the honour to go partners with us in +one of our faro-banks, and declared that I was the handsomest man in the +duchy. All I was required to prove was my nobility, and I got at Vienna +such a pedigree as would satisfy the most greedy in that way. In fact, +what had a man descended from the Barrys and the Bradys to fear before +any VON in Germany? By way of making assurance doubly sure, I promised +Madame de Liliengarten ten thousand louis on the day of my marriage, and +she knew that as a play-man I had never failed in my word: and I vow, +that had I paid fifty per cent. for it, I would have got the money. + +Thus by my talents, honesty, and acuteness, I had, considering I was +a poor patronless outcast, raised for myself very powerful protectors. +Even his Highness the Duke Victor was favourably inclined to me; for, +his favourite charger falling ill of the staggers, I gave him a ball +such as my uncle Brady used to administer, and cured the horse; after +which his Highness was pleased to notice me frequently. He invited me +to his hunting and shooting parties, where I showed myself to be a good +sportsman; and once or twice he condescended to talk to me about my +prospects in life, lamenting that I had taken to gambling, and that I +had not adopted a more regular means of advancement. ‘Sir,’ said I, ‘if +you will allow me to speak frankly to your Highness, play with me is +only a means to an end. Where should I have been without it? A private +still in King Frederick’s grenadiers. I come of a race which gave +princes to my country; but persecutions have deprived them of their vast +possessions. My uncle’s adherence to his ancient faith drove him from +our country. I too resolved to seek advancement in the military service; +but the insolence and ill-treatment which I received at the hands of +the English were not bearable by a high-born gentleman, and I fled their +service. It was only to fall into another bondage to all appearance +still more hopeless; when my good star sent a preserver to me in my +uncle, and my spirit and gallantry enabled me to take advantage of the +means of escape afforded me. Since then we have lived, I do not disguise +it, by play; but who can say I have done him a wrong? Yet, if I could +find myself in an honourable post, and with an assured maintenance, I +would never, except for amusement, such as every gentleman must have, +touch a card again. I beseech your Highness to inquire of your resident +at Berlin if I did not on every occasion act as a gallant soldier. I +feel that I have talents of a higher order, and should be proud to have +occasion to exert them; if, as I do not doubt, my fortune shall bring +them into play.’ + +The candour of this statement struck his Highness greatly, and impressed +him in my favour, and he was pleased to say that he believed me, and +would be glad to stand my friend. + +Having thus the two Dukes, the Duchess, and the reigning favourite +enlisted on my side, the chances certainly were that I should carry off +the great prize; and I ought, according to all common calculations, to +have been a Prince of the Empire at this present writing, but that +my ill luck pursued me in a matter in which I was not the least to +blame,--the unhappy Duchess’s attachment to the weak, silly, cowardly +Frenchman. The display of this love was painful to witness, as its end +was frightful to think of. The Princess made no disguise of it. If +Magny spoke a word to a lady of her household, she would be jealous, and +attack with all the fury of her tongue the unlucky offender. She would +send him a half-dozen of notes in the day: at his arrival to join her +circle or the courts which she held, she would brighten up, so that all +might perceive. It was a wonder that her husband had not long ere this +been made aware of her faithlessness; but the Prince Victor was himself +of so high and stern a nature that he could not believe in her stooping +so far from her rank as to forget her virtue: and I have heard say, +that when hints were given to him of the evident partiality which the +Princess showed for the equerry, his answer was a stern command never +more to be troubled on the subject. ‘The Princess is light-minded,’ he +said; ‘she was brought up at a frivolous Court; but her folly goes not +beyond coquetry: crime is impossible; she has her birth, and my name, +and her children, to defend her.’ And he would ride off to his +military inspections and be absent for weeks, or retire to his suite of +apartments, and remain closeted there whole days; only appearing to +make a bow at her Highness’s LEVEE, or to give her his hand at the Court +galas, where ceremony required that he should appear. He was a man of +vulgar tastes, and I have seen him in the private garden, with his great +ungainly figure, running races, or playing at ball with his little son +and daughter, whom he would find a dozen pretexts daily for visiting. +The serene children were brought to their mother every morning at +her toilette; but she received them very indifferently: except on one +occasion, when the young Duke Ludwig got his little uniform as colonel +of hussars, being presented with a regiment by his godfather the Emperor +Leopold. Then, for a day or two, the Duchess Olivia was charmed with +the little boy; but she grew tired of him speedily, as a child does of +a toy. I remember one day, in the morning circle, some of the Princess’s +rouge came off on the arm of her son’s little white military jacket; on +which she slapped the poor child’s face, and sent him sobbing away. Oh, +the woes that have been worked by women in this world! the misery into +which men have lightly stepped with smiling faces; often not even with +the excuse of passion, but from mere foppery, vanity, and bravado! Men +play with these dreadful two-edged tools, as if no harm could come to +them. I, who have seen more of life than most men, if I had a son, would +go on my knees to him and beg him to avoid woman, who is worse than +poison. Once intrigue, and your whole life is endangered: you never know +when the evil may fall upon you; and the woe of whole families, and the +ruin of innocent people perfectly dear to you, may be caused by a moment +of your folly. + +When I saw how entirely lost the unlucky Monsieur de Magny seemed to be, +in spite of all the claims I had against him, I urged him to fly. He had +rooms in the palace, in the garrets over the Princess’s quarters +(the building was a huge one, and accommodated almost a city of noble +retainers of the family); but the infatuated young fool would not +budge, although he had not even the excuse of love for staying. ‘How +she squints,’ he would say of the Princess, ‘and how crooked she is! She +thinks no one can perceive her deformity. She writes me verses out of +Gresset or Crebillon, and fancies I believe them to be original. Bah! +they are no more her own than her hair is!’ It was in this way that the +wretched lad was dancing over the ruin that was yawning under him. I do +believe that his chief pleasure in making love to the Princess was, that +he might write about his victories to his friends of the PETITES MAISONS +at Paris, where he longed to be considered as a wit and a VAINQUEUR DE +DAMES. + +Seeing the young man’s recklessness, and the danger of his position, +I became very anxious that MY little scheme should be brought to a +satisfactory end, and pressed him warmly on the matter. + +My solicitations with him were, I need not say, from the nature of the +connection between us, generally pretty successful; and, in fact, the +poor fellow could REFUSE ME NOTHING: as I used often laughingly to say +to him, very little to his liking. But I used more than threats, or the +legitimate influence I had over him. I used delicacy and generosity; +as a proof of which, I may mention that I promised to give back to the +Princess the family emerald, which I mentioned in the last chapter that +I had won from her unprincipled admirer at play. + +This was done by my uncle’s consent, and was one of the usual acts of +prudence and foresight which distinguish that clever man. “Press the +matter now, Redmond my boy,” he would urge. “This affair between her +Highness and Magny must end ill for both of them, and that soon; and +where will be your chance to win the Countess then? Now is your time! +win her and wear her before the month is over, and we will give up the +punting business, and go live like noblemen at our castle in Swabia. Get +rid of that emerald, too,” he added: “should an accident happen, it will +be an ugly deposit found in our hand.” This it was that made me agree to +forego the possession of the trinket; which, I must confess, I was +loth to part with. It was lucky for us both that I did: as you shall +presently hear. + +Meanwhile, then, I urged Magny: I myself spoke strongly to the Countess +of Liliengarten, who promised formally to back my claim with his +Highness the reigning Duke; and Monsieur de Magny was instructed to +induce the Princess Olivia to make a similar application to the old +sovereign in my behalf. It was done. The two ladies urged the Prince; +his Highness (at a supper of oysters and champagne) was brought to +consent, and her Highness the Hereditary Princess did me the honour of +notifying personally to the Countess Ida that it was the Prince’s will +that she should marry the young Irish nobleman, the Chevalier Redmond de +Balibari. The notification was made in my presence; and though the young +Countess said ‘Never!’ and fell down in a swoon at her lady’s feet, I +was, you may be sure, entirely unconcerned at this little display of +mawkish sensibility, and felt, indeed, now that my prize was secure. + +That evening I gave the Chevalier de Magny the emerald, which he +promised to restore to the Princess; and now the only difficulty in my +way lay with the Hereditary Prince, of whom his father, his wife, and +the favourite, were alike afraid. He might not be disposed to allow the +richest heiress in his duchy to be carried off by a noble, though not +a wealthy foreigner. Time was necessary in order to break the matter to +Prince Victor. The Princess must find him at some moment of good-humour. +He had days of infatuation still, when he could refuse his wife nothing; +and our plan was to wait for one of these, or for any other chance which +might occur. + +But it was destined that the Princess should never see her husband at +her feet, as often as he had been. Fate was preparing a terrible ending +to her follies, and my own hope. In spite of his solemn promises to me, +Magny never restored the emerald to the Princess Olivia. + +He had heard, in casual intercourse with me, that my uncle and I had +been beholden to Mr. Moses Lowe, the banker of Heidelberg, who had given +us a good price for our valuables; and the infatuated young man took +a pretext to go thither, and offered the jewel for pawn. Moses Lowe +recognised the emerald at once, gave Magny the sum the latter demanded, +which the Chevalier lost presently at play: never, you may be sure, +acquainting us with the means by which he had made himself master of so +much capital. We, for our parts, supposed that he had been supplied by +his usual banker, the Princess: and many rouleaux of his gold pieces +found their way into our treasury, when at the Court galas, at our own +lodgings, or at the apartments of Madame de Liliengarten (who on these +occasions did us the honour to go halves with us) we held our bank of +faro. + +Thus Magny’s money was very soon gone. But though the Jew held his +jewel, of thrice the value no doubt of the sums he had lent upon it, +that was not all the profit which he intended to have from his unhappy +creditor; over whom he began speedily to exercise his authority. His +Hebrew connections at X--, money-brokers, bankers, horse-dealers, about +the Court there, must have told their Heidelberg brother what Magny’s +relations with the Princess were; and the rascal determined to take +advantage of these, and to press to the utmost both victims. My +uncle and I were, meanwhile, swimming upon the high tide of fortune, +prospering with our cards, and with the still greater matrimonial game +which we were playing; and we were quite unaware of the mine under our +feet. + +Before a month was passed, the Jew began to pester Magny. He presented +himself at X--, and asked for further interest-hush-money; otherwise +he must sell the emerald. Magny got money for him; the Princess again +befriended her dastardly lover. The success of the first demand only +rendered the second more exorbitant. I know not how much money was +extorted and paid on this unluckly emerald: but it was the cause of the +ruin of us all. + +One night we were keeping our table as usual at the Countess of +Liliengarten’s, and Magny being in cash somehow, kept drawing out +rouleau after rouleau, and playing with his common ill success. In +the middle of the play a note was brought into him, which he read, and +turned very pale on perusing; but the luck was against him, and looking +up rather anxiously at the clock, he waited for a few more turns of the +cards, when having, I suppose, lost his last rouleau, he got up with a +wild oath that scared some of the polite company assembled, and left +the room. A great trampling of horses was heard without; but we were +too much engaged with our business to heed the noise, and continued our +play. + +Presently some one came into the play-room and said to the Countess, +‘Here is a strange story! A Jew has been murdered in the Kaiserwald. +Magny was arrested when he went out of the room.’ All the party broke +up on hearing this strange news, and we shut up our bank for the night. +Magny had been sitting by me during the play (my uncle dealt and I paid +and took the money), and, looking under the chair, there was a crumpled +paper, which I took up and read. It was that which had been delivered to +him, and ran thus:--‘If you have done it, take the orderly’s horse who +brings this. It is the best of my stable. There are a hundred louis in +each holster, and the pistols are loaded. Either course lies open to +you if you know what I mean. In a quarter of an hour I shall know our +fate--whether I am to be dishonoured and survive you, whether you are +guilty and a coward, or whether you are still worthy of the name of + + ‘M.’ + +This was in the handwriting of the old General de Magny; and my uncle +and I, as we walked home at night, having made and divided with the +Countess Liliengarten no inconsiderable profits that night, felt our +triumphs greatly dashed by the perusal of the letter. ‘Has Magny,’ we +asked, ‘robbed the Jew, or has his intrigue been discovered?’ In either +case, my claims on the Countess Ida were likely to meet with serious +drawbacks: and I began to feel that my ‘great card’ was played and +perhaps lost. + +Well, it WAS lost: though I say, to this day, it was well and gallantly +played. After supper (which we never for fear of consequences took +during play) I became so agitated in my mind as to what was occurring +that I determined to sally out about midnight into the town, and inquire +what was the real motive of Magny’s apprehension. A sentry was at the +door, and signified to me that I and my uncle were under arrest. + +We were left in our quarters for six weeks, so closely watched that +escape was impossible, had we desired it; but, as innocent men, we had +nothing to fear. Our course of life was open to all, and we desired and +courted inquiry. Great and tragical events happened during those six +weeks; of which, though we heard the outline, as all Europe did, when we +were released from our captivity, we were yet far from understanding all +the particulars, which were not much known to me for many years after. +Here they are, as they were told me by the lady, who of all the world +perhaps was most likely to know them. But the narrative had best form +the contents of another chapter. + + + + +CHAPTER XII. TRAGICAL HISTORY OF PRINCESS OF X---- + +More than twenty years after the events described in the past chapters, +I was walking with my Lady Lyndon in the Rotunda at Ranelagh. It was in +the year 1790; the emigration from France had already commenced, the +old counts and marquises were thronging to our shores: not starving and +miserable, as one saw them a few years afterwards, but unmolested as +yet, and bringing with them some token of their national splendour. +I was walking with Lady Lyndon, who, proverbially jealous and always +anxious to annoy me, spied out a foreign lady who was evidently +remarking me, and of course asked who was the hideous fat Dutchwoman who +was leering at me so? I knew her not in the least. I felt I had seen the +lady’s face somewhere (it was now, as my wife said, enormously fat and +bloated); but I did not recognise in the bearer of that face one who had +been among the most beautiful women in Germany in her day. + +It was no other than Madame de Liliengarten, the mistress, or as some +said the morganatic wife, of the old Duke of X----, Duke Victor’s +father. She had left X----a few months after the elder Duke’s demise, +had gone to Paris, as I heard, where some unprincipled adventurer +had married her for her money; but, however, had always retained her +quasi-royal title, and pretended, amidst the great laughter of the +Parisians who frequented her house, to the honours and ceremonial of a +sovereign’s widow. She had a throne erected in her state-room, and was +styled by her servants and those who wished to pay court to her, +or borrow money from her, ‘Altesse.’ Report said she drank rather +copiously--certainly her face bore every mark of that habit, and +had lost the rosy, frank, good-humoured beauty which had charmed the +sovereign who had ennobled her. + +Although she did not address me in the circle at Ranelagh, I was at this +period as well known as the Prince of Wales, and she had no difficulty +in finding my house in Berkeley Square; whither a note was next morning +despatched to me. ‘An old friend of Monsieur de Balibari,’ it stated +(in extremely bad French), ‘is anxious to see the Chevalier again and +to talk over old happy times. Rosina de Liliengarten (can it be that +Redmond Balibari has forgotten her?) will be at her house in Leicester +Fields all the morning, looking for one who would never have passed her +by TWENTY YEARS ago.’ + +Rosina of Liliengarten it was indeed--such a full-blown Rosina I have +seldom seen. I found her in a decent first-floor in Leicester Fields +(the poor soul fell much lower afterwards) drinking tea, which had +somehow a very strong smell of brandy in it; and after salutations, +which would be more tedious to recount than they were to perform, and +after further straggling conversation, she gave me briefly the +following narrative of the events in X----, which I may well entitle the +‘Princess’s Tragedy.’ + +‘You remember Monsieur de Geldern, the Police Minister. He was of Dutch +extraction, and, what is more, of a family of Dutch Jews. Although +everybody was aware of this blot in his scutcheon, he was mortally angry +if ever his origin was suspected; and made up for his fathers’ errors +by outrageous professions of religion, and the most austere practices +of devotion. He visited church every morning, confessed once a week, and +hated Jews and Protestants as much as an inquisitor could do. He never +lost an opportunity of proving his sincerity, by persecuting one or the +other whenever occasion fell in his way. + +‘He hated the Princess mortally; for her Highness in some whim had +insulted him with his origin, caused pork to be removed from before him +at table, or injured him in some such silly way; and he had a violent +animosity to the old Baron de Magny, both in his capacity of Protestant, +and because the latter in some haughty mood had publicly turned his back +upon him as a sharper and a spy. Perpetual quarrels were taking place +between them in council; where it was only the presence of his +august masters that restrained the Baron from publicly and frequently +expressing the contempt which he felt for the officer of police. + +‘Thus Geldern had hatred as one reason for ruining the Princess, and it +is my belief he had a stronger motive still--interest. You remember whom +the Duke married, after the death of his first wife?--a princess of the +house of F----. Geldern built his fine palace two years after, and, as I +feel convinced, with the money which was paid to him by the F----family +for forwarding the match. + +‘To go to Prince Victor, and report to his Highness a case which +everybody knew, was not by any means Geldern’s desire. He knew the man +would be ruined for ever in the Prince’s estimation who carried him +intelligence so disastrous. His aim, therefore, was to leave the matter +to explain itself to his Highness; and, when the time was ripe, he cast +about for a means of carrying his point. He had spies in the houses of +the elder and younger Magny; but this you know, of course, from your +experience of Continental customs. We had all spies over each other. +Your black (Zamor, I think, was his name) used to give me reports every +morning; and I used to entertain the dear old Duke with stories of you +and your uncle practising picquet and dice in the morning, and with your +quarrels and intrigues. We levied similar contributions on everybody +in X----, to amuse the dear old man. Monsieur de Magny’s valet used to +report both to me and Monsieur de Geldern. + +‘I knew of the fact of the emerald being in pawn; and it was out of my +exchequer that the poor Princess drew the funds which were spent upon +the odious Lowe, and the still more worthless young Chevalier. How the +Princess could trust the latter as she persisted in doing, is beyond my +comprehension; but there is no infatuation like that of a woman in +love: and you will remark, my dear Monsieur de Balibari, that our sex +generally fix upon a bad man.’ + +‘Not always, madam,’ I interposed; ‘your humble servant has created many +such attachments.’ + +‘I do not see that that affects the truth of the proposition,’ said +the old lady drily, and continued her narrative. ‘The Jew who held the +emerald had had many dealings with the Princess, and at last was offered +a bribe of such magnitude, that he determined to give up the pledge. He +committed the inconceivable imprudence of bringing the emerald with him +to X----, and waited on Magny, who was provided by the Princess with +money to redeem the pledge, and was actually ready to pay it.’ + +‘Their interview took place in Magny’s own apartments, when his valet +overheard every word of their conversation. The young man, who was +always utterly careless of money when it was in his possession, was +so easy in offering it, that Lowe rose in his demands, and had the +conscience to ask double the sum for which he had previously stipulated. + +‘At this the Chevalier lost all patience, fell on the wretch and was for +killing him; when the opportune valet rushed in and saved him. The man +had heard every word of the conversation between the disputants, and +the Jew ran flying with terror into his arms; and Magny, a quick and +passionate, but not a violent man, bade the servant lead the villain +downstairs, and thought no more of him. + +‘Perhaps he was not sorry to be rid of him, and to have in his +possession a large sum of money, four thousand ducats, with which he +could tempt fortune once more; as you know he did at your table that +night.’ + +‘Your ladyship went halves, madam,’ said I; ‘and you know how little I +was the better for my winnings.’ + +‘The man conducted the trembling Israelite out of the palace, and no +sooner had seen him lodged at the house of one of his brethren, where +he was accustomed to put up, than he went away to the office of his +Excellency the Minister of Police, and narrated every word of the +conversation which had taken place between the Jew and his master. + +‘Geldern expressed the greatest satisfaction at his spy’s prudence and +fidelity. He gave him a purse of twenty ducats, and promised to provide +for him handsomely: as great men do sometimes promise to reward their +instruments; but you, Monsieur de Balibari, know how seldom those +promises are kept. “Now, go and find out,” said Monsieur de Geldern, +“at what time the Israelite proposes to return home again, or whether he +will repent and take the money.” The man went on this errand. Meanwhile, +to make matters sure, Geldern arranged a play-party at my house, +inviting you thither with your bank, as you may remember; and finding +means, at the same time, to let Maxime de Magny know that there was +to be faro at Madame de Liliengarten’s. It was an invitation the poor +fellow never neglected.’ + +I remembered the facts, and listened on, amazed at the artifice of the +infernal Minister of Police. + +‘The spy came back from his message to Lowe, and stated that he had made +inquiries among the servants of the house where the Heidelberg banker +lodged, and that it was the latter’s intention to leave X----that +afternoon. He travelled by himself, riding an old horse, exceedingly +humbly attired, after the manner of his people. + +‘“Johann,” said the Minister, clapping the pleased spy upon the +shoulder, “I am more and more pleased with you. I have been thinking, +since you left me, of your intelligence, and the faithful manner in +which you have served me; and shall soon find an occasion to place you +according to your merits. Which way does this Israelitish scoundrel +take?” + +‘“He goes to R----to-night.” + +‘“And must pass by the Kaiserwald. Are you a man of courage, Johann +Kerner?” + +‘“Will your Excellency try me?” said the man, his eyes glittering: “I +served through the Seven Years’ War, and was never known to fail there.” + +‘“Now, listen. The emerald must be taken from that Jew: in the very +keeping it the scoundrel has committed high treason. To the man who +brings me that emerald I swear I will give five hundred louis. You +understand why it is necessary that it should be restored to her +Highness. I need say no more.” + +‘“You shall have it to-night, sir,” said the man. “Of course your +Excellency will hold me harmless in case of accident.” + +‘“Psha!” answered the Minister; “I will pay you half the money +beforehand; such is my confidence in you. Accident’s impossible if you +take your measures properly. There are four leagues of wood; the Jew +rides slowly. It will be night before he can reach, let us say, the +old Powder-Mill in the wood. What’s to prevent you from putting a +rope across the road, and dealing with him there? Be back with me +this evening at supper. If you meet any of the patrol, say ‘foxes are +loose,’--that’s the word for to-night. They will let you pass them +without questions.” + +‘The man went off quite charmed with his commission; and when Magny was +losing his money at our faro-table, his servant waylaid the Jew at the +spot named the Powder-Mill, in the Kaiserwald. The Jew’s horse stumbled +over a rope which had been placed across the road; and, as the rider +fell groaning to the ground, Johann Kerner rushed out on him, masked, +and pistol in hand, and demanded his money. He had no wish to kill the +Jew, I believe, unless his resistance should render extreme measures +necessary. + +‘Nor did he commit any such murder; for, as the yelling Jew roared for +mercy, and his assailant menaced him with a pistol, a squad of patrol +came up, and laid hold of the robber and the wounded man. + +‘Kerner swore an oath. “You have come too soon,” said he to the sergeant +of the police. “FOXES ARE LOOSE.” “Some are caught,” said the sergeant, +quite unconcerned; and bound the fellow’s hands with the rope which he +had stretched across the road to entrap the Jew. He was placed behind +a policeman on a horse; Lowe was similarly accommodated, and the +party thus came back into the town as the night fell. ‘They were taken +forthwith to the police quarter; and, as the chief happened to be there, +they were examined by his Excellency in person. Both were rigorously +searched; the Jew’s papers and cases taken from him: the jewel was +found in a private pocket. As for the spy, the Minister, looking at him +angrily, said, “Why, this is the servant of the Chevalier de Magny, one +of her Highness’s equerries!” and without hearing a word in exculpation +from the poor frightened wretch, ordered him into close confinement. + +‘Calling for his horse, he then rode to the Prince’s apartments at the +palace, and asked for an instant audience. When admitted, he produced +the emerald. “This jewel,” said he, “has been found on the person of a +Heidelberg Jew, who has been here repeatedly of late, and has had many +dealings with her Highness’s equerry, the Chevalier de Magny. This +afternoon the Chevalier’s servant came from his master’s lodgings, +accompanied by the Hebrew; was heard to make inquiries as to the route +the man intended to take on his way homewards; followed him, or preceded +him rather, and was found in the act of rifling his victim by my police +in the Kaiserwald. The man will confess nothing; but, on being searched, +a large sum in gold was found on his person; and though it is with the +utmost pain that I can bring myself to entertain such an opinion, and to +implicate a gentleman of the character and name of Monsieur de Magny, +I do submit that our duty is to have the Chevalier examined relative to +the affair. As Monsieur de Magny is in her Highness’s private service, +and in her confidence I have heard, I would not venture to apprehend him +without your Highness’s permission.” + +‘The Prince’s Master of the Horse, a friend of the old Baron de +Magny, who was present at the interview, no sooner heard the strange +intelligence than he hastened away to the old general with the dreadful +news of his grandson’s supposed crime. Perhaps his Highness himself +was not unwilling that his old friend and tutor in arms should have the +chance of saving his family from disgrace; at all events, Monsieur de +Hengst, the Master of the Horse, was permitted to go off to the Baron +undisturbed, and break to him the intelligence of the accusation pending +over the unfortunate Chevalier. + +‘It is possible that he expected some such dreadful catastrophe, for, +after hearing Hengst’s narrative (as the latter afterwards told me), he +only said, “Heaven’s will be done!” for some time refused to stir a +step in the matter, and then only by the solicitation of his friend +was induced to write the letter which Maxime de Magny received at our +play-table. + +‘Whilst he was there, squandering the Princess’s money, a police visit +was paid to his apartments, and a hundred proofs, not of his guilt with +respect to the robbery, but of his guilty connection with the Princess, +were discovered there,--tokens of her giving, passionate letters +from her, copies of his own correspondence to his young friends at +Paris,--all of which the Police Minister perused, and carefully put +together under seal for his Highness, Prince Victor. I have no doubt he +perused them, for, on delivering them to the Hereditary Prince, Geldern +said that, IN OBEDIENCE TO HIS HIGHNESS’S ORDERS, he had collected +the Chevalier’s papers; but he need not say that, on his honour, he +(Geldern) himself had never examined the documents. His difference with +Messieurs de Magny was known; he begged his Highness to employ any other +official person in the judgment of the accusation brought against the +young Chevalier. + +‘All these things were going on while the Chevalier was at play. A run +of luck--you had great luck in those days, Monsieur de Balibari--was +against him. He stayed and lost his 4000 ducats. He received his uncle’s +note, and such was the infatuation of the wretched gambler, that, on +receipt of it, he went down to the courtyard, where the horse was in +waiting, absolutely took the money which the poor old gentleman had +placed in the saddle-holsters, brought it upstairs, played it, and lost +it; and when he issued from the room to fly, it was too late: he +was placed in arrest at the bottom of my staircase, as you were upon +entering your own home. + +‘Even when he came in under the charge of the soldiery sent to arrest +him, the old General, who was waiting, was overjoyed to see him, and +flung himself into the lad’s arms, and embraced him: it was said, +for the first time in many years. “He is here, gentlemen,” he sobbed +out,--“thank God he is not guilty of the robbery!” and then sank back in +a chair in a burst of emotion; painful, it was said by those present, +to witness on the part of a man so brave, and known to be so cold and +stern. + +‘“Robbery!” said the young man. “I swear before Heaven I am guilty of +none!” and a scene of almost touching reconciliation passed between +them, before the unhappy young man was led from the guard-house into the +prison which he was destined never to quit. + +‘That night the Duke looked over the papers which Geldern had brought to +him. It was at a very early stage of the perusal, no doubt, that he gave +orders for your arrest; for you were taken at midnight, Magny at ten +o’clock; after which time the old Baron de Magny had seen his Highness, +protesting of his grandson’s innocence, and the Prince had received him +most graciously and kindly. His Highness said he had no doubt the +young man was innocent; his birth and his blood rendered such a crime +impossible; but suspicion was too strong against him: he was known to +have been that day closeted with the Jew; to have received a very large +sum of money which he squandered at play, and of which the Hebrew had, +doubtless, been the lender,--to have despatched his servant after him, +who inquired the hour of the Jew’s departure, lay in wait for him, and +rifled him. Suspicion was so strong against the Chevalier, that common +justice required his arrest; and, meanwhile, until he cleared himself, +he should be kept in not dishonourable durance, and every regard had +for his name, and the services of his honourable grandfather. With +this assurance, and with a warm grasp of the hand, the Prince left old +General de Magny that night; and the veteran retired to rest almost +consoled, and confident in Maxime’s eventual and immediate release. + +‘But in the morning, before daybreak, the Prince, who had been reading +papers all night, wildly called to the page, who slept in the next +room across the door, bade him get horses, which were always kept in +readiness in the stables, and, flinging a parcel of letters into a +box, told the page to follow him on horseback with these. The young man +(Monsieur de Weissenborn) told this to a young lady who was then of my +household, and who is now Madame de Weissenborn, and a mother of a score +of children. + +‘The page described that never was such a change seen as in his august +master in the course of that single night. His eyes were bloodshot, his +face livid, his clothes were hanging loose about him, and he who +had always made his appearance on parade as precisely dressed as any +sergeant of his troops, might have been seen galloping through the +lonely streets at early dawn without a hat, his unpowdered hair +streaming behind him like a madman. + +‘The page, with the box of papers, clattered after his master,--it was +no easy task to follow him; and they rode from the palace to the town, +and through it to the General’s quarter. The sentinels at the door were +scared at the strange figure that rushed up to the General’s gate, and, +not knowing him, crossed bayonets, and refused him admission. “Fools,” + said Weissenborn, “it is the Prince!” And, jangling at the bell as if +for an alarm of fire, the door was at length opened by the porter, and +his Highness ran up to the Generals bedchamber, followed by the page +with the box. + +‘“Magny--Magny,” roared the Prince, thundering at the closed door, “get +up!” And to the queries of the old man from within, answered, “It is +I--Victor--the Prince!--get up!” And presently the door was opened by +the General in his ROBE-DE-CHAMBRE, and the Prince entered. The page +brought in the box, and was bidden to wait without, which he did; but +there led from Monsieur de Magny’s bedroom into his antechamber two +doors, the great one which formed the entrance into his room, and a +smaller one which led, as the fashion is with our houses abroad, into +the closet which communicates with the alcove where the bed is. The door +of this was found by M. de Weissenborn to be open, and the young man +was thus enabled to hear and see everything which occurred within the +apartment. + +‘The General, somewhat nervously, asked what was the reason of so early +a visit from his Highness; to which the Prince did not for a while +reply, farther than by staring at him rather wildly, and pacing up and +down the room. + +‘At last he said, “Here is the cause!” dashing his fist on the box; and, +as he had forgotten to bring the key with him, he went to the door for a +moment, saying, “Weissenborn perhaps has it;” but seeing over the stove +one of the General’s couteaux de chasse, he took it down, and said, +“That will do,” and fell to work to burst the red trunk open with the +blade of the forest knife. The point broke, and he gave an oath, but +continued haggling on with the broken blade, which was better suited +to his purpose than the long pointed knife, and finally succeeded in +wrenching open the lid of the chest. + +‘“What is the matter?” said he, laughing. “Here’s the matter;--read +that!--here’s more matter, read that!--here’s more--no, not that; that’s +somebody else’s picture--but here’s hers! Do you know that, Magny? My +wife’s--the Princess’s! Why did you and your cursed race ever come out +of France, to plant your infernal wickedness wherever your feet fell, +and to ruin honest German homes? What have you and yours ever had from +my family but confidence and kindness? We gave you a home when you +had none, and here’s our reward!” and he flung a parcel of papers down +before the old General; who saw the truth at once;--he had known it long +before, probably, and sank down on his chair, covering his face. + +‘The Prince went on gesticulating, and shrieking almost. “If a man +injured you so, Magny, before you begot the father of that gambling +lying villain yonder, you would have known how to revenge yourself. You +would have killed him! Yes, would have killed him. But who’s to help +me to my revenge? I’ve no equal. I can’t meet that dog of a +Frenchman,--that pimp from Versailles,--and kill him, as if he had +played the traitor to one of his own degree.” + +‘“The blood of Maxime de Magny,” said the old gentleman proudly, “is as +good as that of any prince in Christendom.” + +‘“Can I take it?” cried the Prince; “you know I can’t. I can’t have the +privilege of any other gentleman in Europe. What am I to do? Look here, +Magny: I was wild when I came here; I didn’t know what to do. You’ve +served me for thirty years; you’ve saved my life twice: they are all +knaves and harlots about my poor old father here--no honest men or +women--you are the only one--you saved my life; tell me what am I to +do?” Thus from insulting Monsieur de Magny, the poor distracted Prince +fell to supplicating him; and, at last, fairly flung himself down, and +burst out in an agony of tears. + +‘Old Magny, one of the most rigid and cold of men on common occasions, +when he saw this outbreak of passion on the Prince’s part, became, as my +informant has described to me, as much affected as his master. The +old man from being cold and high, suddenly fell, as it were, into +the whimpering querulousness of extreme old age. He lost all sense of +dignity; he went down on his knees, and broke out into all sorts of wild +incoherent attempts at consolation; so much so, that Weissenborn said he +could not bear to look at the scene, and actually turned away from the +contemplation of it. + +‘But, from what followed in a few days, we may guess the results of the +long interview. The Prince, when he came away from the conversation with +his old servant, forgot his fatal box of papers and sent the page back +for them. The General was on his knees praying in the room when the +young man entered, and only stirred and looked wildly round as the other +removed the packet. The Prince rode away to his hunting-lodge at three +leagues from X----, and three days after that Maxime de Magny died in +prison; having made a confession that he was engaged in an attempt to +rob the Jew, and that he had made away with himself, ashamed of his +dishonour. + +‘But it is not known that it was the General himself who took his +grandson poison: it was said even that he shot him in the prison. This, +however, was not the case. General de Magny carried his grandson the +draught which was to carry him out of the world; represented to the +wretched youth that his fate was inevitable; that it would be public and +disgraceful unless he chose to anticipate the punishment, and so left +him. But IT WAS NOT OF HIS OWN ACCORD, and not until he had used EVERY +means of escape, as you shall hear, that the unfortunate being’s life +was brought to an end. + +‘As for General de Magny, he quite fell into imbecility a short time +after his grandson’s death, and my honoured Duke’s demise. After his +Highness the Prince married the Princess Mary of F----, as they were +walking in the English park together they once met old Magny riding in +the sun in the easy chair, in which he was carried commonly abroad +after his paralytic fits. “This is my wife, Magny,” said the Prince +affectionately, taking the veteran’s hand; and he added, turning to his +Princess, “General de Magny saved my life during the Seven Years’ War.” + +‘“What, you’ve taken her back again?” said the old man. “I wish you’d +send me back my poor Maxime.” He had quite forgotten the death of the +poor Princess Olivia, and the Prince, looking very dark indeed, passed +away. + +‘And now,’ said Madame de Liliengarten, ‘I have only one more gloomy +story to relate to you--the death of the Princess Olivia. It is even +more horrible than the tale I have just told you.’ With which preface +the old lady resumed her narrative. + +‘The kind weak Princess’s fate was hastened, if not occasioned, by the +cowardice of Magny. He found means to communicate with her from his +prison, and her Highness, who was not in open disgrace yet (for the +Duke, out of regard to the family, persisted in charging Magny with only +robbery), made the most desperate efforts to relieve him, and to bribe +the gaolers to effect his escape. She was so wild that she lost all +patience and prudence in the conduct of any schemes she may have had +for Magny’s liberation; for her husband was inexorable, and caused the +Chevalier’s prison to be too strictly guarded for escape to be possible. +She offered the State jewels in pawn to the Court banker; who of course +was obliged to decline the transaction. She fell down on her knees, it +is said, to Geldern, the Police Minister, and offered him Heaven knows +what as a bribe. Finally, she came screaming to my poor dear Duke, who, +with his age, diseases, and easy habits, was quite unfit for scenes of +so violent a nature; and who, in consequence of the excitement created +in his august bosom by her frantic violence and grief, had a fit +in which I very nigh lost him. That his dear life was brought to an +untimely end by these transactions I have not the slightest doubt; for +the Strasbourg pie, of which they said he died, never, I am sure, +could have injured him, but for the injury which his dear gentle heart +received from the unusual occurrences in which he was forced to take a +share. + +‘All her Highness’s movements were carefully, though not ostensibly, +watched by her husband, Prince Victor; who, waiting upon his august +father, sternly signified to him that if his Highness (MY Duke) should +dare to aid the Princess in her efforts to release Magny, he, Prince +Victor, would publicly accuse the Princess and her paramour of high +treason, and take measures with the Diet for removing his father from +the throne, as incapacitated to reign. Hence interposition on our part +was vain, and Magny was left to his fate. + +‘It came, as you are aware, very suddenly. Geldern, Police Minister, +Hengst, Master of the Horse, and the colonel of the Prince’s guard, +waited upon the young man in his prison two days after his grandfather +had visited him there and left behind him the phial of poison which the +criminal had not the courage to use. And Geldern signified to the young +man that unless he took of his own accord the laurelwater provided by +the elder Magny, more violent means of death would be instantly employed +upon him, and that a file of grenadiers was in waiting in the +courtyard to despatch him. Seeing this, Magny, with the most dreadful +self-abasement, after dragging himself round the room on his knees +from one officer to another, weeping and screaming with terror, at last +desperately drank off the potion, and was a corpse in a few minutes. +Thus ended this wretched young man. + +‘His death was made public in the COURT GAZETTE two days after, the +paragraph stating that Monsieur de M----, struck with remorse for having +attempted the murder of the Jew, had put himself to death by poison in +prison; and a warning was added to all young noblemen of the duchy to +avoid the dreadful sin of gambling, which had been the cause of the +young man’s ruin, and had brought upon the grey hairs of one of the +noblest and most honourable of the servants of the Duke irretrievable +sorrow. + +‘The funeral was conducted with decent privacy, the General de Magny +attending it. The carriages of the two Dukes and all the first people +of the Court made their calls upon the General afterwards. He attended +parade as usual the next day on the Arsenal-Place, and Duke Victor, who +had been inspecting the building, came out of it leaning on the brave +old warrior’s arm. He was particularly gracious to the old man, and +told his officers the oft-repeated story how at Rosbach, when the +X----contingent served with the troops of the unlucky Soubise, the +General had thrown himself in the way of a French dragoon, who was +pressing hard upon his Highness in the rout, had received the blow +intended for his master, and killed the assailant. And he alluded to +the family motto of “Magny sans tache,” and said, “It had been always +so with his gallant friend and tutor in arms.” This speech affected all +present very much; with the exception of the old General, who only bowed +and did not speak: but when he went home he was heard muttering “Magny +sans tache, Magny sans tache!” and was attacked with paralysis that +night, from which he never more than partially recovered. + +‘The news of Maxime’s death had somehow been kept from the Princess +until now: a GAZETTE even being printed without the paragraph containing +the account of his suicide; but it was at length, I know not how, made +known to her. And when she heard it, her ladies tell me, she screamed +and fell, as if struck dead; then sat up wildly and raved like a +madwoman, and was then carried to her bed, where her physician attended +her, and where she lay of a brain-fever. All this while the Prince used +to send to make inquiries concerning her; and from his giving orders +that his Castle of Schlangenfels should be prepared and furnished, I +make no doubt it was his intention to send her into confinement thither: +as had been done with the unhappy sister of His Britannic Majesty at +Zell. + +‘She sent repeatedly to demand an interview with his Highness; which the +latter declined, saying that he would communicate with her Highness when +her health was sufficiently recovered. To one of her passionate letters +he sent back for reply a packet, which, when opened, was found to +contain the emerald that had been the cause round which all this dark +intrigue moved. + +‘Her Highness at this time became quite frantic; vowed in the presence +of all her ladies that one lock of her darling Maxime’s hair was more +precious to her than all the jewels in the world: rang for her carriage, +and said she would go and kiss his tomb; proclaimed the murdered +martyr’s innocence, and called down the punishment of Heaven, the wrath +of her family, upon his assassin. The Prince, on hearing these speeches +(they were all, of course, regularly brought to him), is said to have +given one of his dreadful looks (which I remember now), and to have +said, “This cannot last much longer.” + +‘All that day and the next the Princess Olivia passed in dictating +the most passionate letters to the Prince her father, to the Kings of +France, Naples, and Spain, her kinsmen, and to all other branches of her +family, calling upon them in the most incoherent terms to protect her +against the butcher and assassin her husband, assailing his person in +the maddest terms of reproach, and at the same time confessing her +love for the murdered Magny. It was in vain that those ladies who were +faithful to her pointed out to her the inutility of these letters, the +dangerous folly of the confessions which they made; she insisted +upon writing them, and used to give them to her second robe-woman, a +Frenchwoman (her Highness always affectioned persons of that nation), +who had the key of her cassette, and carried every one of these epistles +to Geldern. + +‘With the exception that no public receptions were held, the ceremony of +the Princess’s establishment went on as before. Her ladies were allowed +to wait upon her and perform their usual duties about her person. +The only men admitted were, however, her servants, her physician and +chaplain; and one day when she wished to go into the garden, a heyduc, +who kept the door, intimated to her Highness that the Prince’s orders +were that she should keep her apartments. + +‘They abut, as you remember, upon the landing of the marble staircase +of Schloss X----; the entrance to Prince Victor’s suite of rooms being +opposite the Princess’s on the same landing. This space is large, filled +with sofas and benches, and the gentlemen and officers who waited upon +the Duke used to make a sort of antechamber of the landing-place, and +pay their court to his Highness there, as he passed out, at eleven +o’clock, to parade. At such a time, the heyducs within the Princess’s +suite of rooms used to turn out with their halberts and present to +Prince Victor--the same ceremony being performed on his own side, when +pages came out and announced the approach of his Highness. The pages +used to come out and say, “The Prince, gentlemen!” and the drums beat in +the hall, and the gentlemen rose, who were waiting on the benches that +ran along the balustrade. + +‘As if fate impelled her to her death, one day the Princess, as her +guards turned out, and she was aware that the Prince was standing, as +was his wont, on the landing, conversing with his gentlemen (in the +old days he used to cross to the Princess’s apartment and kiss her +hand)--the Princess, who had been anxious all the morning, complaining +of heat, insisting that all the doors of the apartments should be left +open; and giving tokens of an insanity which I think was now evident, +rushed wildly at the doors when the guards passed out, flung them open, +and before a word could be said, or her ladies could follow her, was +in presence of Duke Victor, who was talking as usual on the landing: +placing herself between him and the stair, she began apostrophising him +with frantic vehemence:-- + +‘“Take notice, gentlemen!” she screamed out, “that this man is a +murderer and a liar; that he lays plots for honourable gentlemen, and +kills them in prison! Take notice, that I too am in prison, and fear the +same fate: the same butcher who killed Maxime de Magny, may, any night, +put the knife to my throat. I appeal to you, and to all the kings of +Europe, my Royal kinsmen. I demand to be set free from this tyrant +and villain, this liar and traitor! I adjure you all, as gentlemen of +honour, to carry these letters to my relatives, and say from whom you +had them!” and with this the unhappy lady began scattering letters about +among the astonished crowd. + +‘“LET NO MAN STOOP!” cried the Prince, in a voice of thunder. “Madame de +Gleim, you should have watched your patient better. Call the Princess’s +physicians: her Highness’s brain is affected. Gentlemen, have the +goodness to retire.” And the Prince stood on the landing as the +gentlemen went down the stairs, saying fiercely to the guard, “Soldier, +if she moves, strike with your halbert!” on which the man brought the +point of his weapon to the Princess’s breast; and the lady, frightened, +shrank back and re-entered her apartments. “Now, Monsieur de +Weissenborn,” said the Prince, “pick up all those papers;” and the +Prince went into his own apartments, preceded by his pages, and never +quitted them until he had seen every one of the papers burnt. + +‘The next day the COURT GAZETTE contained a bulletin signed by the three +physicians, stating that “her Highness the Hereditary Princess laboured +under inflammation of the brain, and had passed a restless and disturbed +night.” Similar notices were issued day after day. The services of all +her ladies, except two, were dispensed with. Guards were placed within +and without her doors; her windows were secured, so that escape from +them was impossible: and you know what took place ten days after. The +church-bells were ringing all night, and the prayers of the faithful +asked for a person IN EXTREMIS. A GAZETTE appeared in the morning, edged +with black, and stating that the high and mighty Princess Olivia +Maria Ferdinanda, consort of His Serene Highness Victor Louis Emanuel, +Hereditary Prince of X----, had died in the evening of the 24th of +January 1769. + +‘But do you know HOW she died, sir? That, too, is a mystery. +Weissenborn, the page, was concerned in this dark tragedy; and the +secret was so dreadful, that never, believe me, till Prince Victor’s +death, did I reveal it. + +‘After the fatal ESCLANDRE which the Princess had made, the Prince +sent for Weissenborn, and binding him by the most solemn adjuration to +secrecy (he only broke it to his wife many years after: indeed, there is +no secret in the world that women cannot know if they will), despatched +him on the following mysterious commission. + +‘“There lives,” said his Highness, “on the Kehl side of the river, +opposite to Strasbourg, a man whose residence you will easily find +out from his name, which is MONSIEUR DE STRASBOURG. You will make your +inquiries concerning him quietly, and without occasioning any remark; +perhaps you had better go into Strasbourg for the purpose, where the +person is quite well known. You will take with you any comrade on whom +you can perfectly rely: the lives of both, remember, depend on your +secrecy. You will find out some period when MONSIEUR DE STRASBOURG is +alone, or only in company of the domestic who lives with him (I myself +visited the man by accident on my return from Paris five years since, +and hence am induced to send for him now, in my present emergency). You +will have your carriage waiting at his door at night; and you and your +comrade will enter his house masked; and present him with a purse of +a hundred louis; promising him double that sum on his return from his +expedition. If he refuse, you must use force and bring him; menacing him +with instant death should he decline to follow you. You will place him +in the carriage with the blinds drawn, one or other of you never +losing sight of him the whole way, and threatening him with death if he +discover himself or cry out. You will lodge him in the old Tower here, +where a room shall be prepared for him; and his work being done, you +will restore him to his home with the same speed and secrecy with which +you brought him from it.” + +‘Such were the mysterious orders Prince Victor gave his page; and +Weissenborn, selecting for his comrade in the expedition Lieutenant +Bartenstein, set out on his strange journey. + +‘All this while the palace was hushed, as if in mourning, the bulletins +in the COURT GAZETTE appeared, announcing the continuance of the +Princess’s malady; and though she had but few attendants, strange +and circumstantial stories were told regarding the progress of her +complaint. She was quite wild. She had tried to kill herself. She +had fancied herself to be I don’t know how many different characters. +Expresses were sent to her family informing them of her state, and +couriers despatched PUBLICLY to Vienna and Paris to procure the +attendance of physicians skilled in treating diseases of the brain. +That pretended anxiety was all a feint: it was never intended that the +Princess should recover. + +‘The day on which Weissenborn and Bartenstein returned from their +expedition, it was announced that her Highness the Princess was much +worse; that night the report through the town was that she was at the +agony: and that night the unfortunate creature was endeavouring to make +her escape. + +‘She had unlimited confidence in the French chamber-woman who attended +her, and between her and this woman the plan of escape was arranged. The +Princess took her jewels in a casket; a private door, opening from +one of her rooms and leading into the outer gate, it was said, of +the palace, was discovered for her: and a letter was brought to her, +purporting to be from the Duke, her father-in-law, and stating that a +carriage and horses had been provided, and would take her to B----: the +territory where she might communicate with her family and be safe. + +‘The unhappy lady, confiding in her guardian, set out on the expedition. +The passages wound through the walls of the modern part of the palace +and abutted in effect at the old Owl Tower, as it was called, on the +outer wall: the tower was pulled down afterwards, and for good reason. + +‘At a certain place the candle, which the chamberwoman was carrying, +went out; and the Princess would have screamed with terror, but her hand +was seized, and a voice cried “Hush!” The next minute a man in a +mask (it was the Duke himself) rushed forward, gagged her with a +handkerchief, her hands and legs were bound, and she was carried +swooning with terror into a vaulted room, where she was placed by a +person there waiting, and tied in an arm-chair. The same mask who had +gagged her, came and bared her neck and said, “It had best be done now +she has fainted.” + +‘Perhaps it would have been as well; for though she recovered from her +swoon, and her confessor, who was present, came forward and endeavoured +to prepare her for the awful deed which was about to be done upon her, +and for the state into which she was about to enter, when she came to +herself it was only to scream like a maniac, to curse the Duke as a +butcher and tyrant, and to call upon Magny, her dear Magny. + +‘At this the Duke said, quite calmly, “May God have mercy on her sinful +soul!” He, the confessor, and Geldern, who were present, went down on +their knees; and, as his Highness dropped his handkerchief, Weissenborn +fell down in a fainting fit; while MONSIEUR DE STRASBOURG, taking the +back hair in his hand, separated the shrieking head of Olivia from the +miserable sinful body. May Heaven have mercy upon her soul!’ + +***** + +This was the story told by Madame de Liliengarten, and the reader will +have no difficulty in drawing from it that part which affected myself +and my uncle; who, after six weeks of arrest, were set at liberty, but +with orders to quit the duchy immediately: indeed, with an escort of +dragoons to conduct us to the frontier. What property we had, we were +allowed to sell and realise in money; but none of our play debts were +paid to us: and all my hopes of the Countess Ida were thus at an end. + +When Duke Victor came to the throne, which he did when, six months +after, apoplexy carried off the old sovereign his father, all the good +old usages of X----were given up,--play forbidden; the opera and ballet +sent to the right-about; and the regiments which the old Duke had +sold recalled from their foreign service: with them came my Countess’s +beggarly cousin the ensign, and he married her. I don’t know whether +they were happy or not. It is certain that a woman of such a poor spirit +did not merit any very high degree of pleasure. + +The now reigning Duke of X----himself married four years after his first +wife’s demise, and Geldern, though no longer Police Minister, built the +grand house of which Madame de Liliengarten spoke. What became of +the minor actors in the great tragedy, who knows? Only MONSIEUR DE +STRASBOURG was restored to his duties. Of the rest--the Jew, the +chamber-woman, the spy on Magny--I know nothing. Those sharp tools with +which great people cut out their enterprises are generally broken in the +using: nor did I ever hear that their employers had much regard for them +in their ruin. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII. I CONTINUE MY CAREER AS A MAN OF FASHION + +I find I have already filled up many scores of pages, and yet a vast +deal of the most interesting portion of my history remains to be told, +viz. that which describes my sojourn in the kingdoms of England and +Ireland, and the great part I played there; moving among the most +illustrious of the land, myself not the least distinguished of the +brilliant circle. In order to give due justice to this portion of my +Memoirs, then,--which is more important than my foreign adventures can +be (though I could fill volumes with interesting descriptions of the +latter),--I shall cut short the account of my travels in Europe, and of +my success at the Continental Courts, in order to speak of what befell +me at home. Suffice it to say that there is not a capital in Europe, +except the beggarly one of Berlin, where the young Chevalier de Balibari +was not known and admired; and where he has not made the brave, the +high-born, and the beautiful talk of him. I won 80,000 roubles from +Potemkin at the Winter Palace at Petersburg, which the scoundrelly +favourite never paid me; I have had the honour of seeing his Royal +Highness the Chevalier Charles Edward as drunk as any porter at Rome; +my uncle played several matches at billiards against the celebrated Lord +C----at Spa, and I promise you did not come off a loser. In fact, by a +neat stratagem of ours, we raised the laugh against his Lordship, and +something a great deal more substantial. My Lord did not know that the +Chevalier Barry had a useless eye; and when, one day, my uncle playfully +bet him odds at billiards that he would play him with a patch over +one eye, the noble lord, thinking to bite us (he was one of the most +desperate gamblers that ever lived), accepted the bet, and we won a very +considerable amount of him. + +Nor need I mention my successes among the fairer portion of the +creation. One of the most accomplished, the tallest, the most athletic, +and the handsomest gentlemen of Europe, as I was then, a young fellow +of my figure could not fail of having advantages, which a person of my +spirit knew very well how to use. But upon these subjects I am dumb. +Charming Schuvaloff, black-eyed Sczotarska, dark Valdez, tender +Hegenheim, brilliant Langeac!--ye gentle hearts that knew how to beat in +old times for the warm young Irish gentleman, where are you now? Though +my hair has grown grey now, and my sight dim, and my heart cold with +years, and ennui, and disappointment, and the treachery of friends, +yet I have but to lean back in my arm-chair and think, and those sweet +figures come rising up before me out of the past, with their smiles, and +their kindnesses, and their bright tender eyes! There are no women like +them now--no manners like theirs! Look you at a bevy of women at the +Prince’s, stitched up in tight white satin sacks, with their waists +under their arms, and compare them to the graceful figures of the old +time! Why, when I danced with Coralie de Langeac at the fetes on the +birth of the first Dauphin at Versailles, her hoop was eighteen feet +in circumference, and the heels of her lovely little mules were three +inches from the ground; the lace of my jabot was worth a thousand +crowns, and the buttons of my amaranth velvet coat alone cost eighty +thousand livres. Look at the difference now! The gentlemen are dressed +like boxers, Quakers, or hackney-coachmen; and the ladies are not +dressed at all. There is no elegance, no refinement; none of the +chivalry of the old world, of which I form a portion. Think of the +fashion of London being led by a Br-mm-l! [Footnote: This manuscript +must have been written at the time when Mr. Brummel was the leader of +the London fashion.] a nobody’s son: a low creature, who can no more +dance a minuet than I can talk Cherokee; who cannot even crack a bottle +like a gentleman; who never showed himself to be a man with his sword in +his hand: as we used to approve ourselves in the good old times, before +that vulgar Corsican upset the gentry of the world! Oh, to see the +Valdez once again, as on that day I met her first driving in state, +with her eight mules and her retinue of gentlemen, by the side of yellow +Mancanares! Oh, for another drive with Hegenheim, in the gilded sledge, +over the Saxon snow! False as Schuvaloff was, ‘twas better to be jilted +by her than to be adored by any other woman. I can’t think of any one +of them without tenderness. I have ringlets of all their hair in my poor +little museum of recollections. Do you keep mine, you dear souls that +survive the turmoils and troubles of near half a hundred years? How +changed its colour is now, since the day Sczotarska wore it round her +neck, after my duel with Count Bjernaski, at Warsaw. + +I never kept any beggarly books of accounts in those days. I had no +debts. I paid royally for everything I took; and I took everything +I wanted. My income must have been very large. My entertainments and +equipages were those of a gentleman of the highest distinction; nor let +any scoundrel presume to sneer because I carried off and married my Lady +Lyndon (as you shall presently hear), and call me an adventurer, or say +I was penniless, or the match unequal. Penniless! I had the wealth +of Europe at my command. Adventurer! So is a meritorious lawyer or +a gallant soldier; so is every man who makes his own fortune an +adventurer. My profession was play: in which I was then unrivalled. No +man could play with me through Europe, on the square; and my income was +just as certain (during health and the exercise of my profession) as +that of a man who draws on his Three-per-cents., or any fat squire whose +acres bring him revenue. Harvest is not more certain than the effect of +skill is: a crop is a chance, as much as a game of cards greatly played +by a fine player: there may be a drought, or a frost, or a hail-storm, +and your stake is lost; but one man is just as much an adventurer as +another. + +In evoking the recollection of these kind and fair creatures I have +nothing but pleasure. I would I could say as much of the memory of +another lady, who will henceforth play a considerable part in the drama +of my life,--I mean the Countess of Lyndon; whose fatal acquaintance I +made at Spa, very soon after the events described in the last chapter +had caused me to quit Germany. + +Honoria, Countess of Lyndon, Viscountess Bullingdon in England, Baroness +Castle Lyndon of the kingdom of Ireland, was so well known to the great +world in her day, that I have little need to enter into her family +history; which is to be had in any peerage that the reader may lay +his hand on. She was, as I need not say, a countess, viscountess, and +baroness in her own right. Her estates in Devon and Cornwall were +among the most extensive in those parts; her Irish possessions not less +magnificent; and they have been alluded to, in a very early part of +these Memoirs, as lying near to my own paternal property in the kingdom +of Ireland: indeed, unjust confiscations in the time of Elizabeth and +her father went to diminish my acres, while they added to the already +vast possessions of the Lyndon family. + +The Countess, when I first saw her at the assembly at Spa, was the wife +of her cousin, the Right Honourable Sir Charles Reginald Lyndon, Knight +of the Bath, and Minister to George II. and George III. at several of +the smaller Courts of Europe. Sir Charles Lyndon was celebrated as a wit +and bon vivant: he could write love-verses against Hanbury Williams, and +make jokes with George Selwyn; he was a man of vertu like Harry Walpole, +with whom and Mr. Grey he had made a part of the grand tour; and was +cited, in a word, as one of the most elegant and accomplished men of his +time. + +I made this gentleman’s acquaintance as usual at the play-table, of +which he was a constant frequenter. Indeed, one could not but admire the +spirit and gallantry with which he pursued his favourite pastime; for, +though worn out by gout and a myriad of diseases, a cripple wheeled +about in a chair, and suffering pangs of agony, yet you would see him +every morning and every evening at his post behind the delightful green +cloth: and if, as it would often happen, his own hands were too feeble +or inflamed to hold the box, he would call the mains, nevertheless, +and have his valet or a friend to throw for him. I like this courageous +spirit in a man; the greatest successes in life have been won by such +indomitable perseverance. + +I was by this time one of the best-known characters in Europe; and the +fame of my exploits, my duels, my courage at play, would bring crowds +around me in any public society where I appeared. I could show reams of +scented paper, to prove that this eagerness to make my acquaintance was +not confined to the gentlemen only; but that I hate boasting, and +only talk of myself in so far as it is necessary to relate myself’s +adventures: the most singular of any man’s in Europe. Well, Sir Charles +Lyndon’s first acquaintance with me originated in the right honourable +knight’s winning 700 pieces of me at picquet (for which he was almost my +match); and I lost them with much good-humour, and paid them: and paid +them, you may be sure, punctually. Indeed, I will say this for myself, +that losing money at play never in the least put me out of good-humour +with the winner, and that wherever I found a superior, I was always +ready to acknowledge and hail him. + +Lyndon was very proud of winning from so celebrated a person, and we +contracted a kind of intimacy; which, however, did not for a while go +beyond pump-room attentions, and conversations over the supper-table at +play: but which gradually increased, until I was admitted into his more +private friendship. He was a very free-spoken man (the gentry of those +days were much prouder than at present), and used to say to me in his +haughty easy way, ‘Hang it, Mr. Barry, you have no more manners than a +barber, and I think my black footman has been better educated than you; +but you are a young fellow of originality and pluck, and I like you, +sir, because you seem determined to go to the deuce by a way of your +own.’ I would thank him laughingly for this compliment, and say, that +as he was bound to the next world much sooner than I was, I would be +obliged to him to get comfortable quarters arranged there for me. He +used also to be immensely amused with my stories about the splendour of +my family and the magnificence of Castle Brady: he would never tire of +listening or laughing at those histories. + +‘Stick to the trumps, however, my lad,’ he would say, when I told him of +my misfortunes in the conjugal line, and how near I had been winning the +greatest fortune in Germany. ‘Do anything but marry, my artless Irish +rustic’ (he called me by a multiplicity of queer names). ‘Cultivate your +great talents in the gambling line; but mind this, that a woman will +beat you.’ + +That I denied; mentioning several instances in which I had conquered the +most intractable tempers among the sex. + +‘They will beat you in the long run, my Tipperary Alcibiades. As soon +as you are married, take my word of it, you are conquered. Look at me. I +married my cousin, the noblest and greatest heiress in England--married +her in spite of herself almost’ (here a dark shade passed over Sir +Charles Lyndon’s countenance). ‘She is a weak woman. You shall see her, +sir, HOW weak she is; but she is my mistress. She has embittered my +whole life. She is a fool; but she has got the better of one of the best +heads in Christendom. She is enormously rich; but somehow I have never +been so poor as since I married her. I thought to better myself; and +she has made me miserable and killed me. And she will do as much for my +successor, when I am gone.’ + +‘Has her Ladyship a very large income?’ said I. At which Sir Charles +burst out into a yelling laugh, and made me blush not a little at my +gaucherie; for the fact is, seeing him in the condition in which he was, +I could not help speculating upon the chance a man of spirit might have +with his widow. + +‘No, no!’ said he, laughing. ‘Waugh hawk, Mr. Barry; don’t think, if +you value your peace of mind, to stand in my shoes when they are vacant. +Besides, I don’t think my Lady Lyndon would QUITE condescend to marry +a’---- + +‘Marry a what, sir?’ said I, in a rage. + +“Never mind what: but the man who gets her will rue it, take my word +on’t. A plague on her! had it not been for my father’s ambition and mine +(he was her uncle and guardian, and we wouldn’t let such a prize out of +the family), I might have died peaceably, at least; carried my gout down +to my grave in quiet, lived in my modest tenement in Mayfair, had every +house in England open to me; and now, now I have six of my own, and +every one of them is a hell to me. Beware of greatness, Mr. Barry. Take +warning by me. Ever since I have been married and have been rich, I have +been the most miserable wretch in the world. Look at me. I am dying a +worn-out cripple at the age of fifty. Marriage has added forty years to +my life. When I took off Lady Lyndon, there was no man of my years +who looked so young as myself. Fool that I was! I had enough with my +pensions, perfect freedom, the best society in Europe; and I gave up +all these, and married, and was miserable. Take a warning by me, Captain +Barry, and stick to the trumps.” + +Though my intimacy with the knight was considerable, for a long time I +never penetrated into any other apartments of his hotel but those which +he himself occupied. His lady lived entirely apart from him; and it +is only curious how they came to travel together at all. She was a +goddaughter of old Mary Wortley Montagu: and, like that famous old woman +of the last century, made considerable pretensions to be a blue-stocking +and a bel esprit. Lady Lyndon wrote poems in English and Italian, which +still may be read by the curious in the pages of the magazines of the +day. She entertained a correspondence with several of the European +savans upon history, science, and ancient languages, and especially +theology. Her pleasure was to dispute controversial points with abbes +and bishops; and her flatterers said she rivalled Madam Dacier in +learning. Every adventurer who had a discovery in chemistry, a new +antique bust, or a plan for discovering the philosopher’s stone, was +sure to find a patroness in her. She had numberless works dedicated to +her, and sonnets without end addressed to her by all the poetasters of +Europe, under the name of Lindonira or Calista. Her rooms were crowded +with hideous China magots, and all sorts of objects of VERTU. + +No woman piqued herself more upon her principles, or allowed love to be +made to her more profusely. There was a habit of courtship practised +by the fine gentlemen of those days, which is little understood in our +coarse downright times: and young and old fellows would pour out floods +of compliments in letters and madrigals, such as would make a sober lady +stare were they addressed to her nowadays: so entirely has the gallantry +of the last century disappeared out of our manners. + +Lady Lyndon moved about with a little court of her own. She had +half-a-dozen carriages in her progresses. In her own she would travel +with her companion (some shabby lady of quality), her birds, and +poodles, and the favourite savant for the time being. In another would +be her female secretary and her waiting-women; who, in spite of their +care, never could make their mistress look much better than a slattern. +Sir Charles Lyndon had his own chariot, and the domestics of the +establishment would follow in other vehicles. + +Also must be mentioned the carriage in which rode her Ladyship’s +chaplain, Mr. Runt, who acted in capacity of governor to her son, the +little Viscount Bullingdon,--a melancholy deserted little boy, about +whom his father was more than indifferent, and whom his mother never +saw, except for two minutes at her levee, when she would put to him a +few questions of history or Latin grammar; after which he was consigned +to his own amusements, or the care of his governor, for the rest of the +day. + +The notion of such a Minerva as this, whom I saw in the public places +now and then, surrounded by swarms of needy abbes and schoolmasters, +who flattered her, frightened me for some time, and I had not the +least desire to make her acquaintance. I had no desire to be one of the +beggarly adorers in the great lady’s train,--fellows, half friend, half +lacquey, who made verses, and wrote letters, and ran errands, content to +be paid by a seat in her Ladyship’s box at the comedy, or a cover at her +dinner-table at noon. ‘Don’t be afraid,’ Sir Charles Lyndon would +say, whose great subject of conversation and abuse was his lady: ‘my +Lindonira will have nothing to do with you. She likes the Tuscan brogue, +not that of Kerry. She says you smell too much of the stable to be +admitted to ladies’ society; and last Sunday fortnight, when she did me +the honour to speak to me last, said, “I wonder, Sir Charles Lyndon, +a gentleman who has been the King’s ambassador can demean himself by +gambling and boozing with low Irish blacklegs!” Don’t fly in a fury! I’m +a cripple, and it was Lindonira said it, not I.’ + +This piqued me, and I resolved to become acquainted with Lady Lyndon; +if it were but to show her Ladyship that the descendant of those Barrys, +whose property she unjustly held, was not an unworthy companion for any +lady, were she ever so high. Besides, my friend the knight was dying: +his widow would be the richest prize in the three kingdoms. Why should I +not win her, and, with her, the means of making in the world that figure +which my genius and inclination desired? I felt I was equal in blood +and breeding to any Lyndon in Christendom, and determined to bend this +haughty lady. When I determine, I look upon the thing as done. + +My uncle and I talked the matter over, and speedily settled upon a +method for making our approaches upon this stately lady of Castle +Lyndon. Mr. Runt, young Lord Bullingdon’s governor, was fond of +pleasure, of a glass of Rhenish in the garden-houses in the summer +evenings, and of a sly throw of the dice when the occasion offered; and +I took care to make friends with this person, who, being a college tutor +and an Englishman, was ready to go on his knees to any one who resembled +a man of fashion. Seeing me with my retinue of servants, my vis-a-vis +and chariots, my valets, my hussar, and horses, dressed in gold, and +velvet, and sables, saluting the greatest people in Europe as we met +on the course, or at the Spas, Runt was dazzled by my advances, and +was mine by a beckoning of the finger. I shall never forget the poor +wretch’s astonishment when I asked him to dine, with two counts, off +gold plate, at the little room in the casino: he was made happy by +being allowed to win a few pieces of us, became exceedingly tipsy, sang +Cambridge songs, and recreated the company by telling us, in his horrid +Yorkshire French, stories about the gyps, and all the lords that had +ever been in his college. I encouraged him to come and see me oftener, +and bring with him his little viscount; for whom, though the boy always +detested me, I took care to have a good stock of sweetmeats, toys, and +picture-books when he came. + +I then began to enter into a controversy with Mr. Runt, and confided to +him some doubts which I had, and a very very earnest leaning towards the +Church of Rome. I made a certain abbe whom I knew write me letters upon +transubstantiation, &c., which the honest tutor was rather puzzled to +answer. I knew that they would be communicated to his lady, as they +were; for, asking leave to attend the English service which was +celebrated in her apartments, and frequented by the best English then +at the Spa, on the second Sunday she condescended to look at me; on the +third she was pleased to reply to my profound bow by a curtsey; the next +day I followed up the acquaintance by another obeisance in the public +walk; and, to make a long story short, her Ladyship and I were in full +correspondence on transubstantiation before six weeks were over. My Lady +came to the aid of her chaplain; and then I began to see the prodigious +weight of his arguments: as was to be expected. The progress of this +harmless little intrigue need not be detailed. I make no doubt every one +of my readers has practised similar stratagems when a fair lady was in +the case. + +I shall never forget the astonishment of Sir Charles Lyndon when, on +one summer evening, as he was issuing out to the play-table in his +sedan-chair, according to his wont, her Ladyship’s barouche and four, +with her outriders in the tawny livery of the Lyndon family, came +driving into the courtyard of the house which they inhabited; and in +that carriage, by her Ladyship’s side, sat no other than the ‘vulgar +Irish adventurer,’ as she was pleased to call him: I mean Redmond Barry, +Esquire. He made the most courtly of his bows, and grinned and waved his +hat in as graceful a manner as the gout permitted; and her Ladyship and +I replied to the salutation with the utmost politeness and elegance on +our parts. + +I could not go to the play-table for some time afterwards for Lady +Lyndon and I had an argument on transubstantiation, which lasted for +three hours; in which she was, as usual, victorious, and, in which her +companion, the Honourable Miss Flint Skinner, fell asleep; but when, at +last, I joined Sir Charles at the casino, he received me with a yell of +laughter, as his wont was, and introduced me to all the company as Lady +Lyndon’s interesting young convert. This was his way. He laughed and +sneered at everything. He laughed when he was in a paroxysm of pain; he +laughed when he won money, or when he lost it: his laugh was not jovial +or agreeable, but rather painful and sardonic. + +‘Gentlemen,’ said he to Punter, Colonel Loder, Count du Carreau, and +several jovial fellows with whom he used to discuss a flask of champagne +and a Rhenish trout or two after play, ‘see this amiable youth! He has +been troubled by religious scruples, and has flown for refuge to my +chaplain, Mr. Runt, who has asked for advice from my wife, Lady Lyndon; +and, between them both, they are confirming my ingenious young friend in +his faith. Did you ever hear of such doctors, and such a disciple?’ + +‘’Faith, sir,’ said I, ‘if I want to learn good principles, it’s surely +better I should apply for them to your lady and your chaplain than to +you!’ + +‘He wants to step into my shoes!’ continued the knight. + +‘The man would be happy who did so,’ responded I, ‘provided there were +no chalk-stones included!’ At which reply Sir Charles was not very well +pleased, and went on with increased rancour. He was always free-spoken +in his cups; and, to say the truth, he was in his cups many more times +in a week than his doctors allowed. + +‘Is it not a pleasure, gentlemen,’ said he, ‘for me, as I am drawing +near the goal, to find my home such a happy one; my wife so fond of me, +that she is even now thinking of appointing a successor? (I don’t mean +you precisely, Mr. Barry; you are only taking your chance with a score +of others whom I could mention.) Isn’t it a comfort to see her, like +a prudent housewife, getting everything ready for her husband’s +departure?’ + +‘I hope you are not thinking of leaving us soon, knight?’ said I, with +perfect sincerity; for I liked him, as a most amusing companion. ‘Not +so soon, my dear, as you may fancy, perhaps,’ continued he. ‘Why, man, +I have been given over any time these four years; and there was always a +candidate or two waiting to apply for the situation. Who knows how long +I may keep you waiting?’ and he DID keep me waiting some little time +longer than at that period there was any reason to suspect. + +As I declared myself pretty openly, according to my usual way, and +authors are accustomed to describe the persons of the ladies with whom +their heroes fall in love; in compliance with this fashion, I perhaps +should say a word or two respecting the charms of my Lady Lyndon. But +though I celebrated them in many copies of verses, of my own and other +persons’ writing; and though I filled reams of paper in the passionate +style of those days with compliments to every one of her beauties and +smiles, in which I compared her to every flower, goddess, or famous +heroine ever heard of,--truth compels me to say that there was nothing +divine about her at all. She was very well; but no more. Her shape was +fine, her hair dark, her eyes good, and exceedingly active; she loved +singing, but performed it as so great a lady should, very much out of +tune. She had a smattering of half-a-dozen modern languages, and, as I +have said before, of many more sciences than I even knew the names of. +She piqued herself on knowing Greek and Latin; but the truth is, that +Mr. Runt, used to supply her with the quotations which she introduced +into her voluminous correspondence. She had as much love of admiration, +as strong, uneasy a vanity, and as little heart, as any woman I ever +knew. Otherwise, when her son, Lord Bullingdon, on account of his +differences with me, ran--but that matter shall be told in its proper +time. Finally, my Lady Lyndon was about a year older than myself; +though, of course, she would take her Bible oath that she was three +years younger. + +Few men are so honest as I am; for few will own to their real motives, +and I don’t care a button about confessing mine. What Sir Charles Lyndon +said was perfectly true. I made the acquaintance of Lady Lyndon with +ulterior views. ‘Sir,’ said I to him, when, after the scene described +and the jokes he made upon me, we met alone, ‘let those laugh that win. +You were very pleasant upon me a few nights since, and on my intentions +regarding your lady. Well, if they ARE what you think they are,--if I DO +wish to step into your shoes, what then? I have no other intentions than +you had yourself. I’ll be sworn to muster just as much regard for my +Lady Lyndon as you ever showed her; and if I win her and wear her when +you are dead and gone, corbleu, knight, do you think it will be the fear +of your ghost will deter me?’ + +Lyndon laughed as usual; but somewhat disconcertedly: indeed I had +clearly the best of him in the argument, and had just as much right to +hunt my fortune as he had. + +But one day he said, ‘If you marry such a woman as my Lady Lyndon, mark +my words, you will regret it. You will pine after the liberty you once +enjoyed. By George! Captain Barry,’ he added, with a sigh, ‘the thing +that I regret most in life--perhaps it is because I am old, blase, and +dying--is, that I never had a virtuous attachment.’ + +‘Ha! ha! a milkmaid’s daughter!’ said I, laughing at the absurdity. + +‘Well, why not a milkmaid’s daughter? My good fellow, I WAS in love +in youth, as most gentlemen are, with my tutor’s daughter, Helena, a +bouncing girl; of course older than myself’ (this made me remember my +own little love-passages with Nora Brady in the days of my early life), +‘and do you know, sir, I heartily regret I didn’t marry her? There’s +nothing like having a virtuous drudge at home, sir; depend upon that. It +gives a zest to one’s enjoyments in the world, take my word for it. No +man of sense need restrict himself, or deny himself a single amusement +for his wife’s sake: on the contrary, if he select the animal properly, +he will choose such a one as shall be no bar to his pleasure, but a +comfort in his hours of annoyance. For instance, I have got the gout: +who tends me? A hired valet, who robs me whenever he has the power. My +wife never comes near me. What friend have I? None in the wide world. +Men of the world, as you and I are, don’t make friends; and we are +fools for our pains. Get a friend, sir, and that friend a woman--a +good household drudge, who loves you. THAT is the most precious sort of +friendship; for the expense of it is all on the woman’s side. The man +needn’t contribute anything. If he’s a rogue, she’ll vow he’s an angel; +if he’s a brute, she will like him all the better for his ill-treatment +of her. They like it, sir, these women. They are born to be our greatest +comforts and conveniences; our--our moral bootjacks, as it were; and to +men in your way of life, believe me such a person would be invaluable. +I am only speaking for your bodily and mental comfort’s sake, mind. Why +didn’t I marry poor Helena Flower, the curate’s daughter?’ + +I thought these speeches the remarks of a weakly disappointed man; +although since, perhaps, I have had reason to find the truth of Sir +Charles Lyndon’s statements. The fact is, in my opinion, that we often +buy money very much too dear. To purchase a few thousands a year at the +expense of an odious wife, is very bad economy for a young fellow of any +talent and spirit; and there have been moments of my life when, in the +midst of my greatest splendour and opulence, with half-a-dozen lords at +my levee, with the finest horses in my stables, the grandest house over +my head, with unlimited credit at my banker’s, and--Lady Lyndon to boot, +I have wished myself back a private of Bulow’s, or anything, so as to +get rid of her. To return, however, to the story. Sir Charles, with his +complication of ills, was dying before us by inches! and I’ve no doubt +it could not have been very pleasant to him to see a young handsome +fellow paying court to his widow before his own face as it were. After +I once got into the house on the transubstantiation dispute, I found a +dozen more occasions to improve my intimacy, and was scarcely ever out +of her Ladyship’s doors. The world talked and blustered; but what cared +I? The men cried fie upon the shameless Irish adventurer; but I have +told my way of silencing such envious people: and my sword had by this +time got such a reputation through Europe, that few people cared to +encounter it. If I can once get my hold of a place, I keep it. Many’s +the house I have been to where I have seen the men avoid me. ‘Faugh! the +low Irishman,’ they would say. ‘Bah! the coarse adventurer!’ ‘Out on the +insufferable blackleg and puppy!’ and so forth. This hatred has been +of no inconsiderable service to me in the world; for when I fasten on a +man, nothing can induce me to release my hold: and I am left to myself, +which is all the better. As I told Lady Lyndon in those days, with +perfect sincerity, ‘Calista’ (I used to call her Calista in my +correspondence)--’ Calista, I swear to thee, by the spotlessness of thy +own soul, by the brilliancy of thy immitigable eyes, by everything pure +and chaste in heaven and in thy own heart, that I will never cease +from following thee! Scorn I can bear, and have borne at thy hands. +Indifference I can surmount; ‘tis a rock which my energy will climb +over, a magnet which attracts the dauntless iron of my soul!’ And it was +true, I wouldn’t have left her--no, though they had kicked me downstairs +every day I presented myself at her door. + +That is my way of fascinating women. Let the man who has to make his +fortune in life remember this maxim. ATTACKING is his only secret. Dare, +and the world always yields: or, if it beat you sometimes, dare again, +and it will succumb. In those days my spirit was so great, that if I +had set my heart upon marrying a princess of the blood, I would have had +her! + +I told Calista my story, and altered very very little of the truth. +My object was to frighten her: to show her that what I wanted, that I +dared; that what I dared, that I won; and there were striking passages +enough in my history to convince her of my iron will and indomitable +courage. ‘Never hope to escape me, madam,’ I would say: ‘offer to +marry another man, and he dies upon this sword, which never yet met its +master. Fly from me, and I will follow you, though it were to the gates +of Hades.’ I promise you this was very different language to that she +had been in the habit of hearing from her Jemmy-Jessamy adorers. You +should have seen how I scared the fellows from her. + +When I said in this energetic way that I would follow Lady Lyndon across +the Styx if necessary, of course I meant that I would do so, provided +nothing more suitable presented itself in the interim. If Lyndon would +not die, where was the use of my pursuing the Countess? And somehow, +towards the end of the Spa season, very much to my mortification I do +confess, the knight made another rally: it seemed as if nothing would +kill him. ‘I am sorry for you, Captain Barry,’ he would say, laughing as +usual. ‘I’m grieved to keep you, or any gentleman, waiting. Had you not +better arrange with my doctor, or get the cook to flavour my omelette +with arsenic? What are the odds, gentlemen,’ he would add, ‘that I don’t +live to see Captain Barry hanged yet?’ + +In fact, the doctors tinkered him up for a year. ‘It’s my usual luck,’ +I could not help saying to my uncle, who was my confidential and most +excellent adviser in all matters of the heart. ‘I’ve been wasting the +treasures of my affections upon that flirt of a countess, and here’s +her husband restored to health and likely to live I don’t know how many +years!’ And, as if to add to my mortification, there came just at this +period to Spa an English tallow-chandler’s heiress, with a plum to +her fortune; and Madame Cornu, the widow of a Norman cattle-dealer and +farmer-general, with a dropsy and two hundred thousand livres a year. + +‘What’s the use of my following the Lyndons to England,’ says I, ‘if the +knight won’t die?’ + +‘Don’t follow them, my dear simple child,’ replied my uncle. ‘Stop here +and pay court to the new arrivals.’ + +‘Yes, and lose Calista for ever, and the greatest estate in all +England.’ + +‘Pooh, pooh! youths like you easily fire and easily despond. Keep up a +correspondence with Lady Lyndon. You know there’s nothing she likes +so much. There’s the Irish abbe, who will write you the most charming +letters for a crown apiece. Let her go; write to her, and meanwhile look +out for anything else which may turn up. Who knows? you might marry the +Norman widow, bury her, take her money, and be ready for the Countess +against the knight’s death.’ + +And so, with vows of the most profound respectful attachment, and having +given twenty louis to Lady Lyndon’s waiting-woman for a lock of her +hair (of which fact, of course, the woman informed her mistress), I took +leave of the Countess, when it became necessary for her return to her +estates in England; swearing I would follow her as soon as an affair of +honour I had on my hands could be brought to an end. + +I shall pass over the events of the year that ensued before I again +saw her. She wrote to me according to promise; with much regularity at +first, with somewhat less frequency afterwards. My affairs, meanwhile, +at the play-table went on not unprosperously, and I was just on the +point of marrying the widow Cornu (we were at Brussels by this time, and +the poor soul was madly in love with me,) when the London Gazette was +put into my hands, and I read the following announcement:-- + +‘Died at Castle-Lyndon, in the kingdom of Ireland, the Right Honourable +Sir Charles Lyndon, Knight of the Bath, member of Parliament for Lyndon +in Devonshire, and many years His Majesty’s representative at various +European Courts. He hath left behind him a name which is endeared to all +his friends for his manifold virtues and talents, a reputation justly +acquired in the service of His Majesty, and an inconsolable widow to +deplore his loss. Her Ladyship, the bereaved Countess of Lyndon, was +at the Bath when the horrid intelligence reached her of her husband’s +demise, and hastened to Ireland immediately in order to pay her last sad +duties to his beloved remains.’ + +That very night I ordered my chariot and posted to Ostend, whence I +freighted a vessel to Dover, and travelling rapidly into the West, +reached Bristol; from which port I embarked for Waterford, and found +myself, after an absence of eleven years, in my native country. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV. I RETURN TO IRELAND, AND EXHIBIT MY SPLENDOUR AND +GENEROSITY IN THAT KINGDOM + +How were times changed with me now! I had left my country a poor +penniless boy--a private soldier in a miserable marching regiment. +I returned an accomplished man, with property to the amount of five +thousand guineas in my possession, with a splendid wardrobe and +jewel-case worth two thousand more; having mingled in all the scenes of +life a not undistinguished actor in them; having shared in war and in +love; having by my own genius and energy won my way from poverty and +obscurity to competence and splendour. As I looked out from my chariot +windows as it rolled along over the bleak bare roads, by the miserable +cabins of the peasantry, who came out in their rags to stare as the +splendid equipage passed, and huzza’d for his Lordship’s honour as +they saw the magnificent stranger in the superb gilded vehicle, my +huge body-servant Fritz lolling behind with curling moustaches and +long queue, his green livery barred with silver lace, I could not help +thinking of myself with considerable complacency, and thanking my stars +that had endowed me with so many good qualities. But for my own merits +I should have been a raw Irish squireen such as those I saw swaggering +about the wretched towns through which my chariot passed on its road to +Dublin. I might have married Nora Brady (and though, thank Heaven, I +did not, I have never thought of that girl but with kindness, and even +remember the bitterness of losing her more clearly at this moment than +any other incident of my life); I might have been the father of ten +children by this time, or a farmer on my own account, or an agent to +a squire, or a gauger, or an attorney; and here I was one of the most +famous gentlemen of Europe! I bade my fellow get a bag of copper money +and throw it among the crowd as we changed horses; and I warrant me +there was as much shouting set up in praise of my honour as if my Lord +Townshend, the Lord Lieutenant himself, had been passing. + +My second day’s journey--for the Irish roads were rough in those days, +and the progress of a gentleman’s chariot terribly slow--brought me to +Carlow, where I put up at the very inn which I had used eleven years +back, when flying from home after the supposed murder of Quin in the +duel. How well I remember every moment of the scene! The old landlord +was gone who had served me; the inn that I then thought so comfortable +looked wretched and dismantled; but the claret was as good as in the old +days, and I had the host to partake of a jug of it and hear the news of +the country. + +He was as communicative as hosts usually are: the crops and the markets, +the price of beasts at last Castle Dermot fair, the last story about the +vicar, and the last joke of Father Hogan the priest; how the Whiteboys +had burned Squire Scanlan’s ricks, and the highwaymen had been beaten +off in their attack upon Sir Thomas’s house; who was to hunt the +Kilkenny hounds next season, and the wonderful run entirely they had +last March; what troops were in the town, and how Miss Biddy Toole +had run off with Ensign Mullins: all the news of sport, assize, and +quarter-sessions were detailed by this worthy chronicler of small-beer, +who wondered that my honour hadn’t heard of them in England, or in +foreign parts, where he seemed to think the world was as interested +as he was about the doings of Kilkenny and Carlow. I listened to these +tales with, I own, a considerable pleasure; for every now and then a +name would come up in the conversation which I remembered in old days, +and bring with it a hundred associations connected with them. + +I had received many letters from my mother, which informed me of the +doings of the Brady’s Town family. My uncle was dead, and Mick, his +eldest son, had followed him too to the grave. The Brady girls had +separated from their paternal roof as soon as their elder brother came +to rule over it. Some were married, some gone to settle with their +odious old mother in out-of-the-way watering-places. Ulick, though he +had succeeded to the estate, had come in for a bankrupt property, and +Castle Brady was now inhabited only by the bats and owls, and the old +gamekeeper. My mother, Mrs. Harry Barry, had gone to live at Bray, to +sit under Mr. Jowls, her favourite preacher, who had a chapel there; +and, finally, the landlord told me, that Mrs. Barry’s son had gone to +foreign parts, enlisted in the Prussian service, and had been shot there +as a deserter. + +I don’t care to own that I hired a stout nag from the landlord’s stable +after dinner, and rode back at nightfall twenty miles to my old home. +My heart beat to see it. Barryville had got a pestle and mortar over the +door, and was called ‘The Esculapian Repository,’ by Doctor Macshane; +a red-headed lad was spreading a plaster in the old parlour; the little +window of my room, once so neat and bright, was cracked in many places, +and stuffed with rags here and there; the flowers had disappeared +from the trim garden-beds which my good orderly mother tended. In the +churchyard there were two more names put into the stone over the family +vault of the Bradys: they were those of my cousin, for whom my regard +was small, and my uncle, whom I had always loved. I asked my old +companion the blacksmith, who had beaten me so often in old days, to +give my horse a feed and a litter: he was a worn weary-looking man now, +with a dozen dirty ragged children paddling about his smithy, and had no +recollection of the fine gentleman who stood before him. I did not +seek to recall my-self to his memory till the next day, when I put ten +guineas into his hand, and bade him drink the health of English Redmond. + +As for Castle Brady, the gates of the park were still there; but the old +trees were cut down in the avenue, a black stump jutting out here and +there, and casting long shadows as I passed in the moonlight over +the worn grass-grown old road. A few cows were at pasture there. The +garden-gate was gone, and the place a tangled wilderness. I sat down on +the old bench, where I had sat on the day when Nora jilted me; and I do +believe my feelings were as strong then as they had been when I was a +boy, eleven years before; and I caught myself almost crying again, to +think that Nora Brady had deserted me. I believe a man forgets nothing. +I’ve seen a flower, or heard some trivial word or two, which have +awakened recollections that somehow had lain dormant for scores of +years; and when I entered the house in Clarges Street, where I was born +(it was used as a gambling-house when I first visited London), all of a +sudden the memory of my childhood came back to me--of my actual infancy: +I recollected my father in green and gold, holding me up to look at a +gilt coach which stood at the door, and my mother in a flowered sack, +with patches on her face. Some day, I wonder, will everything we have +seen and thought and done come and flash across our minds in this way? +I had rather not. I felt so as I sat upon the bench at Castle Brady, and +thought of the bygone times. + +The hall-door was open--it was always so at that house; the moon was +flaring in at the long old windows, and throwing ghastly chequers upon +the floors; and the stars were looking in on the other side, in the blue +of the yawning window over the great stair: from it you could see the +old stable-clock, with the letters glistening on it still. There had +been jolly horses in those stables once; and I could see my uncle’s +honest face, and hear him talking to his dogs as they came jumping and +whining and barking round about him of a gay winter morning. We used to +mount there; and the girls looked out at us from the hall-window, where +I stood and looked at the sad, mouldy, lonely old place. There was a +red light shining through the crevices of a door at one corner of the +building, and a dog presently came out baying loudly, and a limping man +followed with a fowling-piece. + +‘Who’s there?’ said the old man. + +‘PHIL PURCELL, don’t you know me?’ shouted I; ‘it’s Redmond Barry.’ + +I thought the old man would have fired his piece at me at first, for he +pointed it at the window; but I called to him to hold his hand, and came +down and embraced him.... Psha! I don’t care to tell the rest: Phil and +I had a long night, and talked over a thousand foolish old things that +have no interest for any soul alive now: for what soul is there alive +that cares for Barry Lyndon? + +I settled a hundred guineas on the old man when I got to Dublin, and +made him an annuity which enabled him to pass his old days in comfort. + +Poor Phil Purcell was amusing himself at a game of exceedingly dirty +cards with an old acquaintance of mine; no other than Tim, who was +called my ‘valet’ in the days of yore, and whom the reader may remember +as clad in my father’s old liveries. They used to hang about him in +those times, and lap over his wrists and down to his heels; but Tim, +though he protested he had nigh killed himself with grief when I went +away, had managed to grow enormously fat in my absence, and would have +fitted almost into Daniel Lambert’s coat, or that of the vicar of Castle +Brady, whom he served in the capacity of clerk. I would have engaged +the fellow in my service but for his monstrous size, which rendered him +quite unfit to be the attendant of any gentleman of condition; and so I +presented him with a handsome gratuity, and promised to stand godfather +to his next child: the eleventh since my absence. There is no country in +the world where the work of multiplying is carried on so prosperously +as in my native island. Mr. Tim had married the girls’ waiting-maid, +who had been a kind friend of mine in the early times; and I had to go +salute poor Molly next day, and found her a slatternly wench in a mud +hut, surrounded by a brood of children almost as ragged as those of my +friend the blacksmith. + +From Tim and Phil Purcell, thus met fortuitously together, I got the +very last news respecting my family. My mother was well. + +‘’Faith sir,’ says Tim, ‘and you’re come in time, mayhap, for preventing +an addition to your family.’ + +‘Sir!’ exclaimed I, in a fit of indignation. + +‘In the shape of father-in-law, I mane, sir,’ says Tim: ‘the misthress +is going to take on with Mister Jowls the praacher.’ + +Poor Nora, he added, had made many additions to the illustrious race of +Quin; and my cousin Ulick was in Dublin, coming to little good, both my +informants feared, and having managed to run through the small available +remains of property which my good old uncle had left behind him. + +I saw I should have no small family to provide for; and then, to +conclude the evening, Phil, Tim, and I, had a bottle of usquebaugh, the +taste of which I had remembered for eleven good years, and did not part +except with the warmest terms of fellowship, and until the sun had been +some time in the sky. I am exceedingly affable; that has always been +one of my characteristics. I have no false pride, as many men of high +lineage like my own have, and, in default of better company, will hob +and nob with a ploughboy or a private soldier just as readily as with +the first noble in the land. + +I went back to the village in the morning, and found a pretext for +visiting Barryville under a device of purchasing drugs. The hooks were +still in the wall where my silver-hiked sword used to hang; a blister +was lying on the window-sill, where my mother’s ‘Whole Duty of Man’ had +its place; and the odious Doctor Macshane had found out who I was (my +countrymen find out everything, and a great deal more besides), and +sniggering, asked me how I left the King of Prussia, and whether my +friend the Emperor Joseph was as much liked as the Empress Maria Theresa +had been. The bell-ringers would have had a ring of bells for me, but +there was but one, Tim, who was too fat to pull; and I rode off before +the vicar, Doctor Bolter (who had succeeded old Mr. Texter, who had +the living in my time), had time to come out to compliment me; but the +rapscallions of the beggarly village had assembled in a dirty army to +welcome me, and cheered ‘Hurrah for Masther Redmond!’ as I rode away. + +My people were not a little anxious regarding me, by the time I returned +to Carlow, and the landlord was very much afraid, he said, that the +highwaymen had gotten hold of me. There, too, my name and station had +been learned from my servant Fritz: who had not spared his praises of +his master, and had invented some magnificent histories concerning me. +He said it was the truth that I was intimate with half the sovereigns of +Europe, and the prime favourite with most of them. Indeed I had made +my uncle’s order of the Spur hereditary, and travelled under +the name of the Chevalier Barry, chamberlain to the Duke of +Hohenzollern-Sigmaringen. + +They gave me the best horses the stable possessed to carry me on my road +to Dublin, and the strongest ropes for harness; and we got on pretty +well, and there was no rencontre between the highwaymen and the pistols +with which Fritz and I were provided. We lay that night at Kilcullen, +and the next day I made my entry into the city of Dublin, with four +horses to my carriage, five thousand guineas in my purse, and one of the +most brilliant reputations in Europe, having quitted the city a beggarly +boy, eleven years before. + +The citizens of Dublin have as great and laudable a desire for knowing +their neighbours’ concerns as the country people have; and it is +impossible for a gentleman, however modest his desires may be (and such +mine have notoriously been through life), to enter the capital without +having his name printed in every newspaper and mentioned in a number of +societies. My name and titles were all over the town the day after my +arrival. A great number of polite persons did me the honour to call at +my lodgings, when I selected them; and this was a point very necessarily +of immediate care, for the hotels in the town were but vulgar holes, +unfit for a nobleman of my fashion and elegance. I had been informed +of the fact by travellers on the Continent; and determining to fix on +a lodging at once, I bade the drivers go slowly up and down the streets +with my chariot, until I had selected a place suitable to my rank. This +proceeding, and the uncouth questions and behaviour of my German Fritz, +who was instructed to make inquiries at the different houses until +convenient apartments could be lighted upon, brought an immense mob +round my coach; and by the time the rooms were chosen you might have +supposed I was the new General of the Forces, so great was the multitude +following us. + +I fixed at length upon a handsome suite of apartments in Capel Street, +paid the ragged postilions who had driven me a splendid gratuity, and +establishing myself in the rooms with my baggage and Fritz, desired the +landlord to engage me a second fellow to wear my liveries, a couple +of stout reputable chairmen and their machine, and a coachman who +had handsome job-horses to hire for my chariot, and serviceable +riding-horses to sell. I gave him a handsome sum in advance; and I +promise you the effect of my advertisement was such, that next day I had +a regular levee in my antechamber: grooms, valets, and maitres-d’hotel +offered themselves without number; I had proposals for the purchase of +horses sufficient to mount a regiment, both from dealers and gentlemen +of the first fashion. Sir Lawler Gawler came to propose to me the most +elegant bay-mare ever stepped; my Lord Dundoodle had a team of four that +wouldn’t disgrace my friend the Emperor; and the Marquess of Ballyragget +sent his gentleman and his compliments, stating that if I would step +up to his stables, or do him the honour of breakfasting with him +previously, he would show me the two finest greys in Europe. I +determined to accept the invitations of Dundoodle and Ballyragget, +but to purchase my horses from the dealers. It is always the best way. +Besides, in those days, in Ireland, if a gentleman warranted his horse, +and it was not sound, or a dispute arose, the remedy you had was the +offer of a bullet in your waistcoat. I had played at the bullet game too +much in earnest to make use of it heedlessly: and I may say, proudly for +myself, that I never engaged in a duel unless I had a real, available, +and prudent reason for it. + +There was a simplicity about this Irish gentry which amused and made me +wonder. If they tell more fibs than their downright neighbours across +the water, on the other hand they believe more; and I made myself in a +single week such a reputation in Dublin as would take a man ten years +and a mint of money to acquire in London. I had won five hundred +thousand pounds at play; I was the favourite of the Empress Catherine of +Russia; the confidential agent of Frederick of Prussia; it was I won the +battle of Hochkirchen; I was the cousin of Madame Du Barry, the French +King’s favourite, and a thousand things beside. Indeed, to tell the +truth, I hinted a number of these stories to my kind friends Ballyragget +and Gawler; and they were not slow to improve the hints I gave them. + +After having witnessed the splendours of civilised life abroad, the +sight of Dublin in the year 1771, when I returned thither, struck me +with anything but respect. It was as savage as Warsaw almost, without +the regal grandeur of the latter city. The people looked more ragged +than any race I have ever seen, except the gipsy hordes along the banks +of the Danube. There was, as I have said, not an inn in the town fit for +a gentleman of condition to dwell in. Those luckless fellows who could +not keep a carriage, and walked the streets at night, ran imminent risks +of the knives of the women and ruffians who lay in wait there,--of a set +of ragged savage villains, who neither knew the use of shoe nor razor; +and as a gentleman entered his chair or his chariot, to be carried to +his evening rout, or the play, the flambeaux of the footmen would light +up such a set of wild gibbering Milesian faces as would frighten a +genteel person of average nerves. I was luckily endowed with strong +ones; besides, had seen my amiable countrymen before. + +I know this description of them will excite anger among some Irish +patriots, who don’t like to have the nakedness of our land abused, and +are angry if the whole truth be told concerning it. But bah! it was a +poor provincial place, Dublin, in the old days of which I speak; and +many a tenth-rate German residency is more genteel. There were, it is +true, near three hundred resident Peers at the period; and a House of +Commons; and my Lord Mayor and his corporation; and a roystering noisy +University, whereof the students made no small disturbances nightly, +patronised the roundhouse, ducked obnoxious printers and tradesmen, and +gave the law at the Crow Street Theatre. But I had seen too much of the +first society of Europe to be much tempted by the society of these noisy +gentry, and was a little too much of a gentleman to mingle with the +disputes and politics of my Lord Mayor and his Aldermen. In the House of +Commons there were some dozen of right pleasant fellows. I never heard +in the English Parliament better speeches than from Flood, and Daly, of +Galway. Dick Sheridan, though not a well-bred person, was as amusing and +ingenious a table-companion as ever I met; and though during Mr. Edmund +Burke’s interminable speeches in the English House I used always to go +to sleep, I yet have heard from well-informed parties that Mr. Burke was +a person of considerable abilities, and even reputed to be eloquent in +his more favourable moments. + +I soon began to enjoy to the full extent the pleasures that the wretched +place affords, and which were within a gentleman’s reach: Ranelagh and +the Ridotto; Mr. Mossop, at Crow Street; my Lord Lieutenant’s parties, +where there was a great deal too much boozing, and too little play, to +suit a person of my elegant and refined habits. ‘Daly’s Coffee-house,’ +and the houses of the nobility, were soon open to me; and I remarked +with astonishment in the higher circles, what I had experienced in the +lower on my first unhappy visit to Dublin, an extraordinary want of +money, and a preposterous deal of promissory notes flying about, for +which I was quite unwilling to stake my guineas. The ladies, too, were +mad for play; but exceeding unwilling to pay when they lost. Thus, when +the old Countess of Trumpington lost ten pieces to me at quadrille, she +gave me, instead of the money, her Ladyship’s note of hand on her +agent in Galway; which I put, with a great deal of politeness, into the +candle. But when the Countess made me a second proposition to play, I +said that as soon as her Ladyship’s remittances were arrived, I would +be the readiest person to meet her; but till then was her very humble +servant. And I maintained this resolution and singular character +throughout the Dublin society: giving out at ‘Daly’s’ that I was ready +to play any man, for any sum, at any game; or to fence with him, or to +ride with him (regard being had to our weight), or to shoot flying, or +at a mark; and in this latter accomplishment, especially if the mark be +a live one, Irish gentlemen of that day had no ordinary skill. + +Of course I despatched a courier in my liveries to Castle Lyndon with +a private letter for Runt, demanding from him full particulars of +the Countess of Lyndon’s state of health and mind; and a touching and +eloquent letter to her Ladyship, in which I bade her remember ancient +days, which I tied up with a single hair from the lock which I had +purchased from her woman, and in which I told her that Sylvander +remembered his oath, and could never forget his Calista. The answer I +received from her was exceedingly unsatisfactory and inexplicit; that +from Mr. Runt explicit enough, but not at all pleasant in its contents. +My Lord George Poynings, the Marquess of Tiptoff’s younger son, was +paying very marked addresses to the widow; being a kinsman of the +family, and having been called to Ireland relative to the will of the +deceased Sir Charles Lyndon. + +Now, there was a sort of rough-and-ready law in Ireland in those days, +which was of great convenience to persons desirous of expeditious +justice; and of which the newspapers of the time contain a hundred +proofs. Fellows with the nicknames of Captain Fireball, Lieutenant +Buffcoat, and Ensign Steele, were repeatedly sending warning letters +to landlords, and murdering them if the notes were unattended to. The +celebrated Captain Thunder ruled in the southern counties, and his +business seemed to be to procure wives for gentlemen who had not +sufficient means to please the parents of the young ladies; or, perhaps, +had not time for a long and intricate courtship. + +I had found my cousin Ulick at Dublin, grown very fat, and very poor; +hunted up by Jews and creditors: dwelling in all sorts of queer corners, +from which he issued at nightfall to the Castle, or to his card-party at +his tavern; but he was always the courageous fellow: and I hinted to him +the state of my affections regarding Lady Lyndon. + +‘The Countess of Lyndon!’ said poor Ulick; ‘well, that IS a wonder. I +myself have been mightily sweet upon a young lady, one of the Kiljoys of +Ballyhack, who has ten thousand pounds to her fortune, and to whom her +Ladyship is guardian; but how is a poor fellow without a coat to his +back to get on with an heiress in such company as that? I might as well +propose for the Countess myself.’ + +‘You had better not,’ said I, laughing; ‘the man who tries runs a +chance of going out of the world first.’ And I explained to him my own +intention regarding Lady Lyndon. Honest Ulick, whose respect for me was +prodigious when he saw how splendid my appearance was, and heard how +wonderful my adventures and great my experience of fashionable life had +been, was lost in admiration of my daring and energy, when I confided to +him my intention of marrying the greatest heiress in England. + +I bade Ulick go out of town on any pretext he chose, and put a letter +into a post-office near Castle Lyndon, which I prepared in a feigned +hand, and in which I gave a solemn warning to Lord George Poynings to +quit the country; saying that the great prize was never meant for the +likes of him, and that there were heiresses enough in England, without +coming to rob them out of the domains of Captain Fireball. The letter +was written on a dirty piece of paper, in the worst of spelling: it came +to my Lord by the post-conveyance, and, being a high-spirited young man, +he of course laughed at it. + +As ill-luck would have it for him, he appeared in Dublin a very short +time afterwards; was introduced to the Chevalier Redmond Barry, at the +Lord Lieutenant’s table; adjourned with him and several other gentlemen +to the club at ‘Daly’s,’ and there, in a dispute about the pedigree of +a horse, in which everybody said I was in the right, words arose, and +a meeting was the consequence. I had had no affair in Dublin since +my arrival, and people were anxious to see whether I was equal to my +reputation. I make no boast about these matters, but always do them when +the time comes; and poor Lord George, who had a neat hand and a quick +eye enough, but was bred in the clumsy English school, only stood before +my point until I had determined where I should hit him. + +My sword went in under his guard, and came out at his back. When he +fell, he good-naturedly extended his hand to me, and said, ‘Mr. Barry, I +was wrong!’ I felt not very well at ease when the poor fellow made this +confession: for the dispute had been of my making, and, to tell the +truth, I had never intended it should end in any other way than a +meeting. + +He lay on his bed for four months with the effects of that wound; +and the same post which conveyed to Lady Lyndon the news of the duel, +carried her a message from Captain Fireball to say, ‘This is NUMBER +ONE!’ + +‘You, Ulick,’ said I, ‘shall be NUMBER TWO.’ + +‘’Faith,’ said my cousin, ‘one’s enough:’ But I had my plan regarding +him, and determined at once to benefit this honest fellow, and to +forward my own designs upon the widow. + + + + +CHAPTER XV. I PAY COURT TO MY LADY LYNDON + +As my uncle’s attainder was not reversed for being out with the +Pretender in 1745, it would have been inconvenient for him to accompany +his nephew to the land of our ancestors; where, if not hanging, at least +a tedious process of imprisonment, and a doubtful pardon, would have +awaited the good old gentleman. In any important crisis of my life, his +advice was always of advantage to me, and I did not fail to seek it at +this juncture, and to implore his counsel as regarded my pursuit of the +widow. I told him the situation of her heart, as I have described it in +the last chapter; of the progress that young Poynings had made in her +affections, and of her forgetfulness of her old admirer; and I got a +letter, in reply, full of excellent suggestions, by which I did not fail +to profit. The kind Chevalier prefaced it by saying, that he was for +the present boarding in the Minorite convent at Brussels; that he had +thoughts of making his salut there, and retiring for ever from the +world, devoting himself to the severest practices of religion. Meanwhile +he wrote with regard to the lovely widow: it was natural that a person +of her vast wealth and not disagreeable person should have many adorers +about her; and that, as in her husband’s lifetime she had shown herself +not at all disinclined to receive my addresses, I must make no manner +of doubt I was not the first person whom she had so favoured; nor was I +likely to be the last. + +‘I would, my dear child,’ he added, ‘that the ugly attainder round my +neck, and the resolution I have formed of retiring from a world of sin +and vanity altogether, did not prevent me from coming personally to your +aid in this delicate crisis of your affairs; for, to lead them to a +good end, it requires not only the indomitable courage, swagger, and +audacity, which you possess beyond any young man I have ever known’ (as +for the ‘swagger,’ as the Chevalier calls it, I deny it in toto, being +always most modest in my demeanour); ‘but though you have the vigour to +execute, you have not the ingenuity to suggest plans of conduct for the +following out of a scheme that is likely to be long and difficult of +execution. Would you have ever thought of the brilliant scheme of the +Countess Ida, which so nearly made you the greatest fortune in Europe, +but for the advice and experience of a poor old man, now making up his +accounts with the world, and about to retire from it for good and all? + +‘Well, with regard to the Countess of Lyndon, your manner of winning her +is quite en l’air at present to me; nor can I advise day by day, as +I would I could, according to circumstances as they arise. But your +general scheme should be this. If I remember the letters you used to +have from her during the period of the correspondence which the silly +woman entertained you with, much high-flown sentiment passed between +you; and especially was written by her Ladyship herself: she is a +blue-stocking, and fond of writing; she used to make her griefs with her +husband the continual theme of her correspondence (as women will do). I +recollect several passages in her letters bitterly deploring her fate in +being united to one so unworthy of her. + +‘Surely, in the mass of billets you possess from her, there must be +enough to compromise her. Look them well over; select passages, and +threaten to do so. Write to her at first in the undoubting tone of a +lover who has every claim upon her. Then, if she is silent, remonstrate, +alluding to former promises from her; producing proofs of her former +regard for you; vowing despair, destruction, revenge, if she prove +unfaithful. Frighten her--astonish her by some daring feat, which will +let her see your indomitable resolution: you are the man to do it. Your +sword has a reputation in Europe, and you have a character for boldness; +which was the first thing that caused my Lady Lyndon to turn her eyes +upon you. Make the people talk about you at Dublin. Be as splendid, and +as brave, and as odd as possible. How I wish I were near you! You have +no imagination to invent such a character as I would make for you--but +why speak; have I not had enough of the world and its vanities?’ + +There was much practical good sense in this advice; which I quote, +unaccompanied with the lengthened description of his mortifications and +devotions which my uncle indulged in, finishing his letter, as usual, +with earnest prayers for my conversion to the true faith. But he +was constant to his form of worship; and I, as a man of honour and +principle, was resolute to mine; and have no doubt that the one, in this +respect, will be as acceptable as the other. + +Under these directions it was, then, I wrote to Lady Lyndon, to ask on +my arrival when the most respectful of her admirers might be permitted +to intrude upon her grief? Then, as her Ladyship was silent, I demanded, +Had she forgotten old times, and one whom she had favoured with her +intimacy at a very happy period? Had Calista forgotten Eugenio? At the +same time I sent down by my servant with this letter a present of a +little sword for Lord Bullingdon, and a private note to his governor; +whose note of hand, by the way, I possessed for a sum--I forget +what--but such as the poor fellow would have been very unwilling to pay. +To this an answer came from her Ladyship’s amanuensis, stating that Lady +Lyndon was too much disturbed by grief at her recent dreadful calamity +to see any one but her own relations; and advices from my friend, the +boy’s governor, stating that my Lord George Poynings was the young +kinsman who was about to console her. + +This caused the quarrel between me and the young nobleman; whom I took +care to challenge on his first arrival at Dublin. + +When the news of the duel was brought to the widow at Castle Lyndon, my +informant wrote me that Lady Lyndon shrieked and flung down the journal, +and said, ‘The horrible monster! He would not shrink from murder, I +believe;’ and little Lord Bullingdon, drawing his sword--the sword I had +given him, the rascal!--declared he would kill with it the man who had +hurt Cousin George. On Mr. Runt telling him that I was the donor of the +weapon, the little rogue still vowed that he would kill me all the same! +Indeed, in spite of my kindness to him, that boy always seemed to detest +me. + +Her Ladyship sent up daily couriers to inquire after the health of Lord +George; and, thinking to myself that she would probably be induced to +come to Dublin if she were to hear that he was in danger, I managed to +have her informed that he was in a precarious state; that he grew worse; +that Redmond Barry had fled in consequence: of this flight I caused the +Mercury newspaper to give notice also, but indeed it did not carry me +beyond the town of Bray, where my poor mother dwelt; and where, under +the difficulties of a duel, I might be sure of having a welcome. + +Those readers who have the sentiment of filial duty strong in their +mind, will wonder that I have not yet described my interview with that +kind mother whose sacrifices for me in youth had been so considerable, +and for whom a man of my warm and affectionate nature could not but feel +the most enduring and sincere regard. + +But a man, moving in the exalted sphere of society in which I now +stood, has his public duties to perform before he consults his private +affections; and so, upon my first arrival, I despatched a messenger +to Mrs. Barry, stating my arrival, conveying to her my sentiments of +respect and duty, and promising to pay them to her personally so soon as +my business in Dublin would leave me free. + +This, I need not say, was very considerable. I had my horses to buy, my +establishment to arrange, my entree into the genteel world to make; and, +having announced my intention to purchase horses and live in a genteel +style, was in a couple of days so pestered by visits of the nobility and +gentry, and so hampered by invitations to dinners and suppers, that +it became exceedingly difficult for me during some days to manage my +anxiously desired visit to Mrs. Barry. + +It appears that the good soul provided an entertainment as soon as she +heard of my arrival, and invited all her humble acquaintances of Bray to +be present: but I was engaged subsequently to my Lord Ballyragget on the +day appointed, and was, of course, obliged to break the promise that I +had made to Mrs. Barry to attend her humble festival. + +I endeavoured to sweeten the disappointment by sending my mother a +handsome satin sack and velvet robe, which I purchased for her at the +best mercers in Dublin (and indeed told her I had brought from Paris +expressly for her); but the messenger whom I despatched with the +presents brought back the parcels, with the piece of satin torn half +way up the middle: and I did not need his descriptions to be aware that +something had offended the good lady; who came out, he said, and +abused him at the door, and would have boxed his cars, but that she was +restrained by a gentleman in black; who I concluded, with justice, was +her clerical friend Mr. Jowls. + +This reception of my presents made me rather dread than hope for an +interview with Mrs. Barry, and delayed my visit to her for some days +further. I wrote her a dutiful and soothing letter, to which there was +no answer returned; although I mentioned that on my way to the capital I +had been at Barryville, and revisited the old haunts of my youth. + +I don’t care to own that she is the only human being whom I am afraid +to face. I can recollect her fits of anger as a child, and the +reconciliations, which used to be still more violent and painful: and +so, instead of going myself, I sent my factotum, Ulick Brady, to her; +who rode back, saying that he had met with a reception he would not +again undergo for twenty guineas; that he had been dismissed the house, +with strict injunctions to inform me that my mother disowned me for +ever. This parental anathema, as it were, affected me much, for I was +always the most dutiful of sons; and I determined to go as soon as +possible, and brave what I knew must be an inevitable scene of reproach +and anger, for the sake, as I hoped, of as certain a reconciliation. + +I had been giving one night an entertainment to some of the genteelest +company in Dublin, and was showing my Lord Marquess downstairs with a +pair of wax tapers, when I found a woman in a grey coat seated at my +doorsteps: to whom, taking her for a beggar, I tendered a piece of +money, and whom my noble friends, who were rather hot with wine, began +to joke, as my door closed and I bade them all good-night. + +I was rather surprised and affected to find afterwards that the hooded +woman was no other than my mother; whose pride had made her vow that she +would not enter my doors, but whose natural maternal yearnings had made +her long to see her son’s face once again, and who had thus planted +herself in disguise at my gate. Indeed, I have found in my experience +that these are the only women who never deceive a man, and whose +affection remains constant through all trials. Think of the hours that +the kind soul must have passed, lonely in the street, listening to the +din and merriment within my apartments, the clinking of the glasses, the +laughing, the choruses, and the cheering. + +When my affair with Lord George happened, and it became necessary to me, +for the reasons I have stated, to be out of the way; now, thought I, is +the time to make my peace with my good mother: she will never refuse me +an asylum now that I seem in distress. So sending to her a notice that I +was coming, that I had had a duel which had brought me into trouble, and +required I should go into hiding, I followed my messenger half-an-hour +afterwards: and, I warrant me, there was no want of a good reception, +for presently, being introduced into an empty room by the barefooted +maid who waited upon Mrs. Barry, the door was opened, and the poor +mother flung herself into my arms with a scream, and with transports +of joy which I shall not attempt to describe--they are but to be +comprehended by women who have held in their arms an only child after a +twelve years’ absence from him. + +The Reverend Mr. Jowls, my mother’s director, was the only person to +whom the door of her habitation was opened during my sojourn; and he +would take no denial. He mixed for himself a glass of rum-punch, which +he seemed in the habit of drinking at my good mother’s charge, groaned +aloud, and forthwith began reading me a lecture upon the sinfulness of +my past courses, and especially of the last horrible action I had been +committing. + +‘Sinful!’ said my mother, bristling up when her son was attacked; +‘sure we’re all sinners; and it’s you, Mr. Jowls, who have given me the +inexpressible blessing to let me know THAT. But how else would you have +had the poor child behave?’ + +‘I would have had the gentleman avoid the drink, and the quarrel, and +this wicked duel altogether,’ answered the clergyman. + +But my mother cut him short, by saying such sort of conduct might be +very well in a person of his cloth and his birth, but it neither became +a Brady nor a Barry. In fact, she was quite delighted with the thought +that I had pinked an English marquis’s son in a duel; and so, to console +her, I told her of a score more in which I had been engaged, and of some +of which I have already informed the reader. + +As my late antagonist was in no sort of danger when I spread that report +of his perilous situation, there was no particular call that my hiding +should be very close. But the widow did not know the fact as well as I +did: and caused her house to be barricaded, and Becky, her barefooted +serving-wench, to be a perpetual sentinel to give alarm, lest the +officers should be in search of me. + +The only person I expected, however, was my cousin Ulick, who was to +bring me the welcome intelligence of Lady Lyndon’s arrival; and I own, +after two days’ close confinement at Bray, in which I narrated all the +adventures of my life to my mother, and succeeded in making her accept +the dresses she had formerly refused, and a considerable addition to +her income which I was glad to make, I was very glad when I saw that +reprobate Ulick Brady, as my mother called him, ride up to the door in +my carriage with the welcome intelligence for my mother, that the young +lord was out of danger; and for me, that the Countess of Lyndon had +arrived in Dublin. + +‘And I wish, Redmond, that the young gentleman had been in danger a +little longer,’ said the widow, her eyes filling with tears, ‘and you’d +have stayed so much the more with your poor old mother.’ But I dried her +tears, embracing her warmly, and promised to see her often; and hinted +I would have, mayhap, a house of my own and a noble daughter to welcome +her. + +‘Who is she, Redmond dear?’ said the old lady. + +‘One of the noblest and richest women in the empire, mother,’ answered +I. ‘No mere Brady this time,’ I added, laughing: with which hopes I left +Mrs. Barry in the best of tempers. + +No man can bear less malice than I do; and, when I have once carried +my point, I am one of the most placable creatures in the world. I was a +week in Dublin before I thought it necessary to quit that capital. I +had become quite reconciled to my rival in that time; made a point of +calling at his lodgings, and speedily became an intimate consoler of his +bed-side. He had a gentleman to whom I did not neglect to be civil, and +towards whom I ordered my people to be particular in their attentions; +for I was naturally anxious to learn what my Lord George’s position with +the lady of Castle Lyndon had really been, whether other suitors were +about the widow, and how she would bear the news of his wound. + +The young nobleman himself enlightened me somewhat upon the subjects I +was most desirous to inquire into. + +‘Chevalier,’ said he to me one morning when I went to pay him my +compliments, ‘I find you are an old acquaintance with my kinswoman, the +Countess of Lyndon. She writes me a page of abuse of you in a letter +here; and the strange part of the story is this, that one day when there +was talk about you at Castle Lyndon, and the splendid equipage you were +exhibiting in Dublin, the fair widow vowed and protested she never had +heard of you. + +‘“Oh yes, mamma,” said the little Bullingdon, “the tall dark man at Spa +with the cast in his eye, who used to make my governor tipsy and sent me +the sword: his name is Mr. Barry.” + +‘But my Lady ordered the boy out of the room, and persisted in knowing +nothing about you.’ + +‘And are you a kinsman and acquaintance of my Lady Lyndon, my Lord?’ +said I, in a tone of grave surprise. + +‘Yes, indeed,’ answered the young gentleman. ‘I left her house but to +get this ugly wound from you. And it came at a most unlucky time too.’ + +‘Why more unlucky now than at another moment?’ + +‘Why, look you, Chevalier, I think the widow was not unpartial to me. I +think I might have induced her to make our connection a little closer: +and faith, though she is older than I am, she is the richest party now +in England.’ + +‘My Lord George,’ said I, ‘will you let me ask you a frank but an odd +question?--will you show me her letters?’ + +‘Indeed I’ll do no such thing,’ replied he, in a rage. + +‘Nay, don’t be angry. If _I_ show you letters of Lady Lyndon’s to me, +will you let me see hers to you?’ + +‘What, in Heaven’s name, do you mean, Mr. Barry?’ said the young +gentleman. + +‘_I_ mean that I passionately loved Lady Lyndon. I mean that I am +a--that I rather was not indifferent to her. I mean that I love her to +distraction at this present moment, and will die myself, or kill the man +who possesses her before me.’ + +‘YOU marry the greatest heiress and the noblest blood in England?’ said +Lord George haughtily. + +‘There’s no nobler blood in Europe than mine,’ answered I: ‘and I tell +you I don’t know whether to hope or not. But this I know, that there +were days in which, poor as I am, the great heiress did not disdain to +look down upon my poverty: and that any man who marries her passes over +my dead body to do it. It’s lucky for you,’ I added gloomily, ‘that on +the occasion of my engagement with you, I did not know what were your +views regarding my Lady Lyndon. My poor boy, you are a lad of courage +and I love you. Mine is the first sword in Europe, and you would have +been lying in a narrower bed than that you now occupy.’ + +‘Boy!’ said Lord George: ‘I am not four years younger than you are.’ + +‘You are forty years younger than I am in experience. I have passed +through every grade of life. With my own skill and daring I have made +my own fortune. I have been in fourteen pitched battles as a private +soldier, and have been twenty-three times on the ground, and never was +touched but once; and that was by the sword of a French maitre-d’armes, +Whom I killed. I started in life at seventeen, a beggar, and am now at +seven-and-twenty, with twenty thousand guineas. Do you suppose a man +of my courage and energy can’t attain anything that he dares, and that +having claims upon the widow, I will not press them?’ + +This speech was not exactly true to the letter (for I had multiplied my +pitched battles, my duels, and my wealth somewhat); but I saw that it +made the impression I desired to effect upon the young gentleman’s +mind, who listened to my statement with peculiar seriousness, and whom I +presently left to digest it. + +A couple of days afterwards I called to see him again, when I brought +with me some of the letters that had passed between me and my Lady +Lyndon. ‘Here,’ said I, ‘look--I show it you in confidence--it is a +lock of her Ladyship’s hair; here are her letters signed Calista, and +addressed to Eugenio. Here is a poem, “When Sol bedecks the mead with +light, And pallid Cynthia sheds her ray,” addressed by her Ladyship to +your humble servant.’ + +‘Calista! Eugenio! Sol bedecks the mead with light?’ cried the young +lord. ‘Am I dreaming? Why, my dear Barry, the widow has sent me the +very poem herself! “Rejoicing in the sunshine bright, Or musing in the +evening grey.”’ + +I could not help laughing as he made the quotation. They were, in +fact, the very words MY Calista had addressed to me. And we found, upon +comparing letters, that whole passages of eloquence figured in the +one correspondence which appeared in the other. See what it is to be a +blue-stocking and have a love of letter-writing! + +The young man put down the papers in great perturbation. ‘Well, thank +Heaven!’ said he, after a pause of some duration,--‘thank Heaven for +a good riddance! Ah, Mr. Barry, what a woman I MIGHT have married had +these lucky papers not come in my way! I thought my Lady Lyndon had a +heart, sir, I must confess, though not a very warm one; and that, at +least, one could TRUST her. But marry her now! I would as lief send +my servant into the street to get me a wife, as put up with such an +Ephesian matron as that.’ + +‘My Lord George,’ said I, ‘you little know the world. Remember what a +bad husband Lady Lyndon had, and don’t be astonished that she, on her +side, should be indifferent. Nor has she, I will dare to wager, ever +passed beyond the bounds of harmless gallantry, or sinned beyond the +composing of a sonnet or a billet-doux.’ + +‘My wife,’ said the little lord, ‘shall write no sonnets or +billets-doux; and I’m heartily glad to think I have obtained, in good +time, a knowledge of the heartless vixen with whom I thought myself for +a moment in love.’ + +The wounded young nobleman was either, as I have said, very young and +green in matters of the world--for to suppose that a man would give up +forty thousand a year, because, forsooth, the lady connected with it had +written a few sentimental letters to a young fellow, is too absurd--or, +as I am inclined to believe, he was glad of an excuse to quit the field +altogether, being by no means anxious to meet the victorious sword of +Redmond Barry a second time. + +When the idea of Poynings’ danger, or the reproaches probably addressed +by him to the widow regarding myself, had brought this exceedingly weak +and feeble woman up to Dublin, as I expected, and my worthy Ulick had +informed me of her arrival, I quitted my good mother, who was quite +reconciled to me (indeed the duel had done that), and found the +disconsolate Calista was in the habit of paying visits to the wounded +swain; much to the annoyance, the servants told me, of that gentleman. +The English are often absurdly high and haughty upon a point of +punctilio; and, after his kinswoman’s conduct, Lord Poynings swore he +would have no more to do with her. + +I had this information from his Lordship’s gentleman; with whom, as +I have said, I took particular care to be friends; nor was I denied +admission by his porter, when I chose to call, as before. + +Her Ladyship had most likely bribed that person, as I had; for she had +found her way up, though denied admission; and, in fact, I had watched +her from her own house to Lord George Poynings’ lodgings, and seen her +descend from her chair there and enter, before I myself followed her. I +proposed to await her quietly in the ante-room, to make a scene there, +and reproach her with infidelity, if necessary; but matters were, as +it happened, arranged much more conveniently for me; and walking, +unannounced, into the outer room of his Lordship’s apartments, I had the +felicity of hearing in the next chamber, of which the door was partially +open, the voice of my Calista. She was in full cry, appealing to the +poor patient, as he lay confined in his bed, and speaking in the most +passionate manner. ‘What can lead you, George,’ she said, ‘to doubt of +my faith? How can you break my heart by casting me off in this monstrous +manner? Do you wish to drive your poor Calista to the grave? Well, well, +I shall join there the dear departed angel.’ + +‘Who entered it three months since,’ said Lord George, with a sneer. +‘It’s a wonder you have survived so long.’ + +‘Don’t treat your poor Calista in this cruel cruel manner, Antonio!’ +cried the widow. + +‘Bah!’ said Lord George, ‘my wound is bad. My doctors forbid me much +talk. Suppose your Antonio tired, my dear. Can’t you console yourself +with somebody else?’ + +‘Heavens, Lord George! Antonio!’ + +‘Console yourself with Eugenio,’ said the young nobleman bitterly, and +began ringing his bell; on which his valet, who was in an inner room, +came out, and he bade him show her Ladyship downstairs. + +Lady Lyndon issued from the room in the greatest flurry. She was dressed +in deep weeds, with a veil over her face, and did not recognise the +person waiting in the outer apartment. As she went down the stairs, I +stepped lightly after her, and as her chairman opened her door, sprang +forward, and took her hand to place her in the vehicle. ‘Dearest widow,’ +said I, ‘his Lordship spoke correctly. Console yourself with Eugenio!’ +She was too frightened even to scream, as her chairman carried her away. +She was set down at her house, and you may be sure that I was at the +chair-door, as before, to help her out. + +‘Monstrous man!’ said she, ‘I desire you to leave me.’ + +‘Madam, it would be against my oath,’ replied I; ‘recollect the vow +Eugenio sent to Calista.’ + +‘If you do not quit me, I will call for the domestics to turn you from +the door.’ + +‘What! when I am come with my Calista’s letters in my pocket, to return +them mayhap? You can soothe, madam, but you cannot frighten Redmond +Barry.’ + +‘What is it you would have of me, sir?’ said the widow, rather agitated. + +‘Let me come upstairs, and I will tell you all,’ I replied; and she +condescended to give me her hand, and to permit me to lead her from her +chair to her drawing-room. + +When we were alone I opened my mind honourably to her. + +‘Dearest madam,’ said I, ‘do not let your cruelty drive a desperate +slave to fatal measures. I adore you. In former days you allowed me to +whisper my passion to you unrestrained; at present you drive me from +your door, leave my letters unanswered, and prefer another to me. My +flesh and blood cannot bear such treatment. Look upon the punishment I +have been obliged to inflict; tremble at that which I may be compelled +to administer to that unfortunate young man: so sure as he marries you, +madam, he dies.’ + +‘I do not recognise,’ said the widow, ‘the least right you have to give +the law to the Countess of Lyndon: I do not in the least understand +your threats, or heed them. What has passed between me and an Irish +adventurer that should authorise this impertinent intrusion?’ + +‘THESE have passed, madam,’ said I,--‘Calista’s letters to Eugenio. They +may have been very innocent; but will the world believe it? You may have +only intended to play with the heart of the poor artless Irish gentleman +who adored and confided in you. But who will believe the stories of your +innocence, against the irrefragable testimony of your own handwriting? +Who will believe that you could write these letters in the mere +wantonness of coquetry, and not under the influence of affection?’ + +‘Villain!’ cried my Lady Lyndon, ‘could you dare to construe out of +those idle letters of mine any other meaning than that which they really +bear?’ + +‘I will construe anything out of them,’ said I; ‘such is the passion +which animates me towards you. I have sworn it--you must and shall be +mine! Did you ever know me promise to accomplish a thing and fail? Which +will you prefer to have from me--a love such as woman never knew from +man before, or a hatred to which there exists no parallel?’ + +‘A woman of my rank, sir, can fear nothing from the hatred of an +adventurer like yourself,’ replied the lady, drawing up stately. + +‘Look at your Poynings--was HE of your rank? You are the cause of that +young man’s wound, madam; and, but that the instrument of your savage +cruelty relented, would have been the author of his murder--yes, of his +murder; for, if a wife is faithless, does not she arm the husband who +punishes the seducer! And I look upon you, Honoria Lyndon, as my wife.’ + +‘Husband? wife, sir!’ cried the widow, quite astonished. + +‘Yes, wife! husband! I am not one of those poor souls with whom +coquettes can play, and who may afterwards throw them aside. You would +forget what passed between us at Spa: Calista would forget Eugenio; but +I will not let you forget me. You thought to trifle with my heart, did +you? When once moved, Honoria, it is moved for ever. I love you--love as +passionately now as I did when my passion was hopeless; and, now that +I can win you, do you think I will forego you? Cruel cruel Calista! you +little know the power of your own charms if you think their effect is so +easily obliterated--you little know the constancy of this pure and noble +heart if you think that, having once loved, it can ever cease to +adore you. No! I swear by your cruelty that I will revenge it; by your +wonderful beauty that I will win it, and be worthy to win it. Lovely, +fascinating, fickle, cruel woman! you shall be mine--I swear it! Your +wealth may be great; but am I not of a generous nature enough to use it +worthily? Your rank is lofty; but not so lofty as my ambition. You threw +yourself away once on a cold and spiritless debauchee: give yourself +now, Honoria, to a MAN; and one who, however lofty your rank may be, +will enhance it and become it!’ + +As I poured words to this effect out on the astonished widow, I stood +over her, and fascinated her with the glance of my eye; saw her turn red +and pale with fear and wonder; saw that my praise of her charms and the +exposition of my passion were not unwelcome to her, and witnessed with +triumphant composure the mastery I was gaining over her. Terror, be sure +of that, is not a bad ingredient of love. A man who wills fiercely to +win the heart of a weak and vapourish woman MUST succeed, if he have +opportunity enough. + +‘Terrible man!’ said Lady Lyndon, shrinking from me as soon as I had +done speaking (indeed, I was at a loss for words, and thinking of +another speech to make to her)--‘terrible man! leave me.’ + +I saw that I had made an impression on her, from those very words. ‘If +she lets me into the house to-morrow,’ said I, ‘she is mine.’ + +As I went downstairs I put ten guineas into the hand of the hall-porter, +who looked quite astonished at such a gift. + +‘It is to repay you for the trouble of opening the door to me,’ said I; +‘you will have to do so often.’ + + + + +CHAPTER XVI. I PROVIDE NOBLY FOR MY FAMILY + +The next day when I went back, my fears were realised: the door was +refused to me--my Lady was not at home. This I knew to be false: I had +watched the door the whole morning from a lodging I took at a house +opposite. + +‘Your lady is not out,’ said I: ‘she has denied me, and I can’t, of +course, force my way to her. But listen: you are an Englishman?’ ‘That +I am,’ said the fellow, with an air of the utmost superiority. ‘Your +honour could tell that by my HACCENT.’ + +I knew he was, and might therefore offer him a bribe. An Irish family +servant in rags, and though his wages were never paid him, would +probably fling the money in your face. + +‘Listen, then,’ said I. ‘Your lady’s letters pass through your hands, +don’t they? A crown for every one that you bring me to read. There is a +whisky-shop in the next street; bring them there when you go to drink, +and call for me by the name of Dermot.’ + +‘I recollect your honour at SPAR,’ says the fellow, grinning: ‘seven’s +the main, hey?’ and being exceedingly proud of this reminiscence, I bade +my inferior adieu. + +I do not defend this practice of letter-opening in private life, except +in cases of the most urgent necessity: when we must follow the examples +of our betters, the statesmen of all Europe, and, for the sake of a +great good, infringe a little matter of ceremony. My Lady Lyndon’s +letters were none the worse for being opened, and a great deal +the better; the knowledge obtained from the perusal of some of her +multifarious epistles enabling me to become intimate with her character +in a hundred ways, and obtain a power over her by which I was not slow +to profit. By the aid of the letters and of my English friend, whom I +always regaled with the best of liquor, and satisfied with presents of +money still more agreeable (I used to put on a livery in order to meet +him, and a red wig, in which it was impossible to know the dashing and +elegant Redmond Barry), I got such an insight into the widow’s movements +as astonished her. I knew beforehand to what public places she would +go; they were, on account of her widowhood, but few: and wherever she +appeared, at church or in the park, I was always ready to offer her her +book, or to canter on horseback by the side of her chariot. + +Many of her Ladyship’s letters were the most whimsical rodomontades that +ever blue-stocking penned. She was a woman who took up and threw off +a greater number of dear friends than any one I ever knew. To some of +these female darlings she began presently to write about my unworthy +self, and it was with a sentiment of extreme satisfaction I found at +length that the widow was growing dreadfully afraid of me; calling me +her bete noire, her dark spirit, her murderous adorer, and a thousand +other names indicative of her extreme disquietude and terror. It was: +‘The wretch has been dogging my chariot through the park,’ or, ‘my fate +pursued me at church,’ and ‘my inevitable adorer handed me out of +my chair at the mercer’s,’ or what not. My wish was to increase this +sentiment of awe in her bosom, and to make her believe that I was a +person from whom escape was impossible. + +To this end I bribed a fortune-teller, whom she consulted along with a +number of the most foolish and distinguished people of Dublin, in those +days; and who, although she went dressed like one of her waiting-women, +did not fail to recognise her real rank, and to describe as her future +husband her persevering adorer Redmond Barry, Esquire. This incident +disturbed her very much. She wrote about it in terms of great wonder +and terror to her female correspondents. ‘Can this monster,’ she wrote, +‘indeed do as he boasts, and bend even Fate to his will?--can he make +me marry him though I cordially detest him, and bring me a slave to +his feet. The horrid look of his black serpent-like eyes fascinates and +frightens me: it seems to follow me everywhere, and even when I close my +own eyes, the dreadful gaze penetrates the lids, and is still upon me.’ + +When a woman begins to talk of a man in this way, he is an ass who +does not win her; and, for my part, I used to follow her about, and put +myself in an attitude opposite her, ‘and fascinate her with my glance,’ +as she said, most assiduously. Lord George Poynings, her former admirer, +was meanwhile keeping his room with his wound, and seemed determined to +give up all claims to her favour; for he denied her admittance when she +called, sent no answer to her multiplied correspondence, and contented +himself by saying generally, that the surgeon had forbidden him to +receive visitors or to answer letters. Thus, while he went into the +background, I came forward, and took good care that no other rivals +should present themselves with any chance of success; for, as soon as I +heard of one, I had a quarrel fastened on him, and, in this way, pinked +two more, besides my first victim Lord George. I always took another +pretext for quarrelling with them than the real one of attention to +Lady Lyndon, so that no scandal or hurt to her Ladyship’s feelings might +arise in consequence; but she very well knew what was the meaning of +these duels; and the young fellows of Dublin, too, by laying two and two +together, began to perceive that there was a certain dragon in watch for +the wealthy heiress, and that the dragon must be subdued first before +they could get at the lady. I warrant that, after the first three, not +many champions were found to address the lady; and have often laughed +(in my sleeve) to see many of the young Dublin beaux riding by the side +of her carriage scamper off as soon as my bay-mare and green liveries +made their appearance. + +I wanted to impress her with some great and awful instance of my power, +and to this end had determined to confer a great benefit upon my honest +cousin Ulick, and carry off for him the fair object of his affections, +Miss Kiljoy, under the very eyes of her guardian and friend, Lady +Lyndon; and in the teeth of the squires, the young lady’s brothers, who +passed the season at Dublin, and made as much swagger and to-do about +their sister’s L10,000 Irish, as if she had had a plum to her fortune. +The girl was by no means averse to Mr. Brady; and it only shows how +faint-spirited some men are, and how a superior genius can instantly +overcome difficulties which to common minds seem insuperable, that he +never had thought of running off with her: as I at once and boldly did. +Miss Kiljoy had been a ward in Chancery until she attained her majority +(before which period it would have been a dangerous matter for me to +put in execution the scheme I meditated concerning her); but, though now +free to marry whom she liked, she was a young lady of timid disposition, +and as much under fear of her brothers and relatives as though she had +not been independent of them. They had some friend of their own in view +for the young lady, and had scornfully rejected the proposal of Ulick +Brady, the ruined gentleman; who was quite unworthy, as these rustic +bucks thought, of the hand of such a prodigiously wealthy heiress as +their sister. + +Finding herself lonely in her great house in Dublin, the Countess of +Lyndon invited her friend Miss Amelia to pass the season with her at +Dublin; and, in a fit of maternal fondness, also sent for her son the +little Bullingdon, and my old acquaintance his governor, to come to +the capital and bear her company. A family coach brought the boy, the +heiress, and the tutor from Castle Lyndon; and I determined to take the +first opportunity of putting my plan in execution. + +For this chance I had not very long to wait. I have said, in a former +chapter of my biography, that the kingdom of Ireland was at this +period ravaged by various parties of banditti; who, under the name +of Whiteboys, Oakboys, Steelboys, with captains at their head, killed +proctors, fired stacks, houghed and maimed cattle, and took the law into +their own hands. One of these bands, or several of them for what I know, +was commanded by a mysterious personage called Captain Thunder; whose +business seemed to be that of marrying people with or without their own +consent, or that of their parents. The Dublin Gazettes and Mercuries +of that period (the year 1772) teem with proclamations from the Lord +Lieutenant, offering rewards for the apprehension of this dreadful +Captain Thunder and his gang, and describing at length various exploits +of the savage aide-de-camp of Hymen. I determined to make use, if not +of the services, at any rate of the name of Captain Thunder, and put my +cousin Ulick in possession of his lady and her ten thousand pounds. She +was no great beauty, and, I presume, it was the money he loved rather +than the owner of it. + +On account of her widowhood, Lady Lyndon could not as yet frequent the +balls and routs which the hospitable nobility of Dublin were in the +custom of giving; but her friend Miss Kiljoy had no such cause for +retirement, and was glad to attend any parties to which she might be +invited. I made Ulick Brady a present of a couple of handsome suits of +velvet, and by my influence procured him an invitation to many of the +most elegant of these assemblies. But he had not had my advantages or +experience of the manners of Court; was as shy with ladies as a young +colt, and could no more dance a minuet than a donkey. He made very +little way in the polite world or in his mistress’s heart: in fact, I +could see that she preferred several other young gentlemen to him, who +were more at home in the ball-room than poor Ulick; he had made his +first impression upon the heiress, and felt his first flame for her, in +her father’s house of Ballykiljoy, where he used to hunt and get drunk +with the old gentleman. + +‘I could do THIM two well enough, anyhow,’ Ulick would say, heaving +a sigh; ‘and if it’s drinking or riding across country would do it, +there’s no man in Ireland would have a better chance with Amalia.’ + +‘Never fear, Ulick,’ was my reply; ‘you shall have your Amalia, or my +name is not Redmond Barry.’ + +My Lord Charlemont--who was one of the most elegant and accomplished +noblemen in Ireland in those days, a fine scholar and wit, a gentleman +who had travelled much abroad, where I had the honour of knowing +him--gave a magnificent masquerade at his house of Marino, some +few miles from Dublin, on the Dunleary road. And it was at this +entertainment that I was determined that Ulick should be made happy for +life. Miss Kiljoy was invited to the masquerade, and the little Lord +Bullingdon, who longed to witness such a scene; and it was agreed that +he was to go under the guardianship of his governor, my old friend the +Reverend Mr. Runt. I learned what was the equipage in which the party +were to be conveyed to the ball, and took my measures accordingly. + +Ulick Brady was not present: his fortune and quality were not sufficient +to procure him an invitation to so distinguished a place, and I had +it given out three days previous that he had been arrested for debt: a +rumour which surprised nobody who knew him. + +I appeared that night in a character with which I was very familiar, +that of a private soldier in the King of Prussia’s guard. I had a +grotesque mask made, with an immense nose and moustaches, talked +a jumble of broken English and German, in which the latter greatly +predominated; and had crowds round me laughing at my droll accent, and +whose curiosity was increased by a knowledge of my previous history. +Miss Kiljoy was attired as an antique princess, with little Bullingdon +as a page of the times of chivalry; his hair was in powder, his doublet +rose-colour, and pea-green and silver, and he looked very handsome and +saucy as he strutted about with my sword by his side. As for Mr. Runt, +he walked about very demurely in a domino, and perpetually paid his +respects to the buffet, and ate enough cold chicken and drank enough +punch and champagne to satisfy a company of grenadiers. + +The Lord Lieutenant came and went in state-the ball was magnificent. +Miss Kiljoy had partners in plenty, among whom was myself, who walked +a minuet with her (if the clumsy waddling of the Irish heiress may be +called by such a name); and I took occasion to plead my passion for Lady +Lyndon in the most pathetic terms, and to beg her friend’s interference +in my favour. + +It was three hours past midnight when the party for Lyndon House went +away. Little Bullingdon had long since been asleep in one of Lady +Charlemont’s china closets. Mr. Runt was exceedingly husky in talk, and +unsteady in gait. A young lady of the present day would be alarmed to +see a gentleman in such a condition; but it was a common sight in those +jolly old times, when a gentleman was thought a milksop unless he was +occasionally tipsy. I saw Miss Kiljoy to her carriage, with several +other gentlemen: and, peering through the crowd of ragged linkboys, +drivers, beggars, drunken men and women, who used invariably to wait +round great men’s doors when festivities were going on, saw the carriage +drive off, with a hurrah from the mob; then came back presently to the +supper-room, where I talked German, favoured the three or four topers +still there with a High-Dutch chorus, and attacked the dishes and wine +with great resolution. + +‘How can you drink aisy with that big nose on?’ said one gentleman. + +‘Go an be hangt!’ said I, in the true accent, applying myself again +to the wine; with which the others laughed, and I pursued my supper in +silence. + +There was a gentleman present who had seen the Lyndon party go off, with +whom I had made a bet, which I lost; and the next morning I called upon +him and paid it him. All which particulars the reader will be surprised +at hearing enumerated; but the fact is, that it was not I who went back +to the party, but my late German valet, who was of my size, and, +dressed in my mask, could perfectly pass for me. We changed clothes in +a hackney-coach that stood near Lady Lyndon’s chariot, and driving after +it, speedily overtook it. + +The fated vehicle which bore the lovely object of Ulick Brady’s +affections had not advanced very far, when, in the midst of a deep rut +in the road, it came suddenly to with a jolt; the footman, springing off +the back, cried ‘Stop!’ to the coachman, warning him that a wheel +was off, and that it would be dangerous to proceed with only three. +Wheel-caps had not been invented in those days, as they have since been +by the ingenious builders of Long Acre. And how the linch-pin of the +wheel had come out I do not pretend to say; but it possibly may have +been extracted by some rogues among the crowd before Lord Charlemont’s +gate. + +Miss Kiljoy thrust her head out of the window, screaming as ladies +do; Mr. Runt the chaplain woke up from his boozy slumbers; and little +Bullingdon, starting up and drawing his little sword, said, ‘Don’t be +afraid, Miss Amelia: if it’s footpads, I am armed.’ The young rascal had +the spirit of a lion, that’s the truth; as I must acknowledge, in spite +of all my after quarrels with him. + +The hackney-coach which had been following Lady Lyndon’s chariot by this +time came up, and the coachman seeing the disaster, stepped down from +his box, and politely requested her Ladyship’s honour to enter his +vehicle; which was as clean and elegant as any person of tiptop quality +might desire. This invitation was, after a minute or two, accepted by +the passengers of the chariot: the hackney-coachman promising to drive +them to Dublin ‘in a hurry.’ Thady, the valet, proposed to accompany +his young master and the young lady; and the coachman, who had a friend +seemingly drunk by his side on the box, with a grin told Thady to get +up behind. However, as the footboard there was covered with spikes, as +a defence against the street-boys, who love a ride gratis, Thady’s +fidelity would not induce him to brave these; and he was persuaded +to remain by the wounded chariot, for which he and the coachman +manufactured a linch-pin out of a neighbouring hedge. + +Meanwhile, although the hackney-coachman drove on rapidly, yet the party +within seemed to consider it was a long distance from Dublin; and what +was Miss Kiljoy’s astonishment, on looking out of the window at length, +to see around her a lonely heath, with no signs of buildings or city. +She began forthwith to scream out to the coachman to stop; but the man +only whipped the horses the faster for her noise, and bade her Ladyship +‘hould on--‘twas a short cut he was taking.’ + +Miss Kiljoy continued screaming, the coachman flogging, the horses +galloping, until two or three men appeared suddenly from a hedge, to +whom the fair one cried for assistance; and the young Bullingdon opening +the coach-door, jumped valiantly out, toppling over head and heels as +he fell; but jumping up in an instant, he drew his little sword, and, +running towards the carriage, exclaimed, ‘This way, gentlemen! stop the +rascal!’ + +‘Stop!’ cried the men; at which the coachman pulled up with +extraordinary obedience. Runt all the while lay tipsy in the carriage, +having only a dreamy half-consciousness of all that was going on. + +The newly arrived champions of female distress now held a consultation, +in which they looked at the young lord and laughed considerably. + +‘Do not be alarmed,’ said the leader, coming up to the door; ‘one of my +people shall mount the box by the side of that treacherous rascal, and, +with your Ladyship’s leave, I and my companions will get in and see you +home. We are well armed, and can defend you in case of danger.’ + +With this, and without more ado, he jumped into the carriage, his +companion following him. + +‘Know your place, fellow!’ cried out little Bullingdon indignantly: ‘and +give place to the Lord Viscount Bullingdon!’ and put himself before the +huge person of the new-comer, who was about to enter the hackney-coach. + +‘Get out of that, my Lord,’ said the man, in a broad brogue, and shoving +him aside. On which the boy, crying ‘Thieves! thieves!’ drew out his +little hanger, and ran at the man, and would have wounded him (for a +small sword will wound as well as a great one); but his opponent, who +was armed with a long stick, struck the weapon luckily out of the lad’s +hands: it went flying over his head, and left him aghast and mortified +at his discomfiture. + +He then pulled off his hat, making his Lordship a low bow, and entered +the carriage; the door of which was shut upon him by his confederate, +who was to mount the box. Miss Kiljoy might have screamed; but I presume +her shrieks were stopped by the sight of an enormous horse-pistol which +one of her champions produced, who said, ‘No harm is intended you, +ma’am, but if you cry out, we must gag you;’ on which she suddenly +became as mute as a fish. + +All these events took place in an exceedingly short space of time; and +when the three invaders had taken possession of the carriage, the poor +little Bullingdon being left bewildered and astonished on the heath, one +of them putting his head out of the window, said,-- + +‘My Lord, a word with you.’ + +‘What is it?’ said the boy, beginning to whimper: he was but eleven +years old, and his courage had been excellent hitherto. + +‘You are only two miles from Marino. Walk back till you come to a big +stone, there turn to the right, and keep on straight till you get to the +high-road, when you will easily find your way back. And when you see her +Ladyship your mamma, give CAPTAIN THUNDER’S compliments, and say Miss +Amelia Kiljoy is going to be married.’ + +‘O heavens!’ sighed out that young lady. + +The carriage drove swiftly on, and the poor little nobleman was left +alone on the heath, just as the morning began to break. He was fairly +frightened; and no wonder. He thought of running after the coach; but +his courage and his little legs failed him: so he sat down upon a stone +and cried for vexation. + +It was in this way that Ulick Brady made what I call a Sabine marriage. +When he halted with his two groomsmen at the cottage where the ceremony +was to be performed, Mr. Runt, the chaplain, at first declined to +perform it. But a pistol was held at the head of that unfortunate +preceptor, and he was told, with dreadful oaths, that his miserable +brains would be blown out; when he consented to read the service. The +lovely Amelia had, very likely, a similar inducement held out to her, +but of that I know nothing; for I drove back to town with the coachman +as soon as we had set the bridal party down, and had the satisfaction +of finding Fritz, my German, arrived before me: he had come back in my +carriage in my dress, having left the masquerade undiscovered, and done +everything there according to my orders. + +Poor Runt came back the next day in a piteous plight, keeping silence as +to his share in the occurrences of the evening, and with a dismal story +of having been drunk, of having been waylaid and bound, of having been +left on the road and picked up by a Wicklow cart, which was coming in +with provisions to Dublin, and found him helpless on the road. There was +no possible means of fixing any share of the conspiracy upon him. Little +Bullingdon, who, too, found his way home, was unable in any way to +identify me. But Lady Lyndon knew that I was concerned in the plot, for +I met her hurrying the next day to the Castle; all the town being up +about the enlevement. And I saluted her with a smile so diabolical, +that I knew she was aware that I had been concerned in the daring and +ingenious scheme. + +Thus it was that I repaid Ulick Brady’s kindness to me in early days; +and had the satisfaction of restoring the fallen fortunes of a deserving +branch of my family. He took his bride into Wicklow, where he lived +with her in the strictest seclusion until the affair was blown over; the +Kiljoys striving everywhere in vain to discover his retreat. They did +not for a while even know who was the lucky man who had carried off +the heiress; nor was it until she wrote a letter some weeks afterwards, +signed Amelia Brady, and expressing perfect happiness in her new +condition, and stating that she had been married by Lady Lyndon’s +chaplain Mr. Runt, that the truth was known, and my worthy friend +confessed his share of the transaction. As his good-natured mistress +did not dismiss him from his post in consequence, everybody persisted in +supposing that poor Lady Lyndon was privy to the plot; and the story of +her Ladyship’s passionate attachment for me gained more and more credit. + +I was not slow, you may be sure, in profiting by these rumours. Every +one thought I had a share in the Brady marriage; though no one could +prove it. Every one thought I was well with the widowed Countess; though +no one could show that I said so. But there is a way of proving a thing +even while you contradict it, and I used to laugh and joke so apropos +that all men began to wish me joy of my great fortune, and look up to +me as the affianced husband of the greatest heiress in the kingdom. +The papers took up the matter; the female friends of Lady Lyndon +remonstrated with her and cried ‘Fie!’ Even the English journals and +magazines, which in those days were very scandalous, talked of the +matter; and whispered that a beautiful and accomplished widow, with +a title and the largest possessions in the two kingdoms, was about to +bestow her hand upon a young gentleman of high birth and fashion, who +had distinguished himself in the service of His M-----y the K--- of +Pr----. I won’t say who was the author of these paragraphs; or how +two pictures, one representing myself under the title of ‘The Prussian +Irishman,’ and the other Lady Lyndon as ‘The Countess of Ephesus,’ +actually appeared in the Town and Country Magazine, published at London, +and containing the fashionable tittle-tattle of the day. + +Lady Lyndon was so perplexed and terrified by this continual hold upon +her, that she determined to leave the country. Well, she did; and +who was the first to receive her on landing at Holyhead? Your humble +servant, Redmond Barry, Esquire. And, to crown all, the Dublin Mercury, +which announced her Ladyship’s departure, announced mine THE DAY BEFORE. +There was not a soul but thought she had followed me to England; whereas +she was only flying me. Vain hope!--a man of my resolution was not thus +to be balked in pursuit. Had she fled to the antipodes, I would have +been there: ay, and would have followed her as far as Orpheus did +Eurydice! + +Her Ladyship had a house in Berkeley Square, London, more splendid than +that which she possessed in Dublin; and, knowing that she would come +thither, I preceded her to the English capital, and took handsome +apartments in Hill Street, hard by. I had the same intelligence in her +London house which I had procured in Dublin. The same faithful porter +was there to give me all the information I required. I promised to +treble his wages as soon as a certain event should happen. I won over +Lady Lyndon’s companion by a present of a hundred guineas down, and a +promise of two thousand when I should be married, and gained the +favours of her favourite lady’s-maid by a bribe of similar magnitude. My +reputation had so far preceded me in London that, on my arrival, numbers +of the genteel were eager to receive me at their routs. We have no idea +in this humdrum age what a gay and splendid place London was then: what +a passion for play there was among young and old, male and female; what +thousands were lost and won in a night; what beauties there were--how +brilliant, gay, and dashing! Everybody was delightfully wicked: the +Royal Dukes of Gloucester and Cumberland set the example; the nobles +followed close behind. Running away was the fashion. Ah! it was a +pleasant time; and lucky was he who had fire, and youth, and money, and +could live in it! I had all these; and the old frequenters of ‘White’s,’ +‘Wattier’s,’ and ‘Goosetree’s’ could tell stories of the gallantry, +spirit, and high fashion of Captain Barry. + +The progress of a love-story is tedious to all those who are not +concerned, and I leave such themes to the hack novel-writers, and the +young boarding-school misses for whom they write. It is not my intention +to follow, step by step, the incidents of my courtship, or to narrate +all the difficulties I had to contend with, and my triumphant manner of +surmounting them. Suffice it to say, I DID overcome these difficulties. +I am of opinion, with my friend the late ingenious Mr. Wilkes, that such +impediments are nothing in the way of a man of spirit; and that he can +convert indifference and aversion into love, if he have perseverance and +cleverness sufficient. By the time the Countess’s widowhood was expired, +I had found means to be received into her house; I had her women +perpetually talking in my favour, vaunting my powers, expatiating +upon my reputation, and boasting of my success and popularity in the +fashionable world. + +Also, the best friends I had in the prosecution of my tender suit were +the Countess’s noble relatives; who were far from knowing the service +that they did me, and to whom I beg leave to tender my heartfelt thanks +for the abuse with which they then loaded me! and to whom I fling +my utter contempt for the calumny and hatred with which they have +subsequently pursued me. + +The chief of these amiable persons was the Marchioness of Tiptoff, +mother of the young gentleman whose audacity I had punished at Dublin. +This old harridan, on the Countess’s first arrival in London, +waited upon her, and favoured her with such a storm of abuse for her +encouragement of me, that I do believe she advanced my cause more than +six months’ courtship could have done, or the pinking of a half-dozen +of rivals. It was in vain that poor Lady Lyndon pleaded her entire +innocence and vowed she had never encouraged me. ‘Never encouraged him!’ +screamed out the old fury; ‘didn’t you encourage the wretch at Spa, +during Sir Charles’s own life? Didn’t you marry a dependant of yours to +one of this profligate’s bankrupt cousins? When he set off for England, +didn’t you follow him like a mad woman the very next day? Didn’t he +take lodgings at your very door almost--and do you call this no +encouragement? For shame, madam, shame! You might have married my +son--my dear and noble George; but that he did not choose to interfere +with your shameful passion for the beggarly upstart whom you caused to +assassinate him; and the only counsel I have to give your Ladyship +is this, to legitimatise the ties which you have contracted with this +shameless adventurer; to make that connection legal which, real as it is +now, is against both decency and religion; and to spare your family and +your son the shame of your present line of life.’ + +With this the old fury of a marchioness left the room, and Lady Lyndon +in tears: I had the whole particulars of the conversation from her +Ladyship’s companion, and augured the best result from it in my favour. + +Thus, by the sage influence of my Lady Tiptoff, the Countess of Lyndon’s +natural friends and family were kept from her society. Even when Lady +Lyndon went to Court the most august lady in the realm received her with +such marked coldness, that the unfortunate widow came home and took to +her bed with vexation. And thus I may say that Royalty itself became +an agent in advancing my suit, and helping the plans of the poor Irish +soldier of fortune. So it is that Fate works with agents, great and +small; and by means over which they have no control the destinies of men +and women are accomplished. + +I shall always consider the conduct of Mrs. Bridget (Lady Lyndon’s +favourite maid at this juncture) as a masterpiece of ingenuity: and, +indeed, had such an opinion of her diplomatic skill, that the very +instant I became master of the Lyndon estates, and paid her the promised +sum--I am a man of honour, and rather than not keep my word with the +woman, I raised the money of the Jews, at an exorbitant interest--as +soon, I say, as I achieved my triumph, I took Mrs. Bridget by the hand, +and said, “Madam, you have shown such unexampled fidelity in my service +that I am glad to reward you, according to my promise; but you have +given proofs of such extraordinary cleverness and dissimulation, that +I must decline keeping you in Lady Lyndon’s establishment, and beg +you will leave it this very day:” which she did, and went over to the +Tiptoff faction, and has abused me ever since. + +But I must tell you what she did which was so clever. Why, it was the +simplest thing in the world, as all master-strokes are. When Lady +Lyndon lamented her fate and my--as she was pleased to call it--shameful +treatment of her, Mrs. Bridget said, ‘Why should not your Ladyship write +this young gentleman word of the evil which he is causing you? Appeal to +his feelings (which, I have heard say, are very good indeed--the whole +town is ringing with accounts of his spirit and generosity), and beg him +to desist from a pursuit which causes the best of ladies so much pain? +Do, my Lady, write: I know your style is so elegant that I, for my part, +have many a time burst into tears in reading your charming letters, and +I have no doubt Mr. Barry will sacrifice anything rather than hurt your +feelings.’ And, of course, the abigail swore to the fact. + +‘Do you think so, Bridget?’ said her Ladyship. And my mistress forthwith +penned me a letter, in her most fascinating and winning manner:--‘Why, +sir,’ wrote she, ‘will you pursue me? why environ me in a web of +intrigue so frightful that my spirit sinks under it, seeing escape is +hopeless from your frightful, your diabolical art? They say you are +generous to others--be so to me. I know your bravery but too well: +exercise it on men who can meet your sword, not on a poor feeble woman, +who cannot resist you. Remember the friendship you once professed +for me. And now, I beseech you, I implore you, to give a proof of it. +Contradict the calumnies which you have spread against me, and repair, +if you can, and if you have a spark of honour left, the miseries which +you have caused to the heart-broken + +‘H. LYNDON.’ + + +What was this letter meant for but that I should answer it in person? My +excellent ally told me where I should meet Lady Lyndon, and accordingly +I followed, and found her at the Pantheon. I repeated the scene at +Dublin over again; showed her how prodigious my power was, humble as +I was, and that my energy was still untired. ‘But,’ I added, ‘I am as +great in good as I am in evil; as fond and faithful as a friend as I am +terrible as an enemy. I will do everything,’ I said, ‘which you ask of +me, except when you bid me not to love you. That is beyond my power; and +while my heart has a pulse I must follow you. It is MY fate; your fate. +Cease to battle against it, and be mine. Loveliest of your sex! with +life alone can end my passion for you; and, indeed, it is only by dying +at your command that I can be brought to obey you. Do you wish me to +die?’ + +She said, laughing (for she was a woman of a lively, humorous turn), +that she did not wish me to commit self-murder; and I felt from that +moment that she was mine. + +***** + +A year from that day, on the 15th of May, in the year 1773, I had the +honour and happiness to lead to the altar Honoria, Countess of Lyndon, +widow of the late Right Honourable Sir Charles Lyndon, K.B. The ceremony +was performed at St. George’s, Hanover Square, by the Reverend Samuel +Runt, her Ladyship’s chaplain. A magnificent supper and ball was given +at our house in Berkeley Square, and the next morning I had a duke, four +earls, three generals, and a crowd of the most distinguished people +in London at my LEVEE. Walpole made a lampoon about the marriage, and +Selwyn cut jokes at the ‘Cocoa-Tree.’ Old Lady Tiptoff, although she had +recommended it, was ready to bite off her fingers with vexation; and as +for young Bullingdon, who was grown a tall lad of fourteen, when called +upon by the Countess to embrace his papa, he shook his fist in my face +and said, ‘HE my father! I would as soon call one of your Ladyship’s +footmen Papa!’ + +But I could afford to laugh at the rage of the boy and the old woman, +and at the jokes of the wits of St. James’s. I sent off a flaming +account of our nuptials to my mother and my uncle the good Chevalier; +and now, arrived at the pitch of prosperity, and having, at thirty years +of age, by my own merits and energy, raised myself to one of the highest +social positions that any man in England could occupy, I determined to +enjoy myself as became a man of quality for the remainder of my life. + +After we had received the congratulations of our friends in London--for +in those days people were not ashamed of being married, as they seem +to be now--I and Honoria (who was all complacency, and a most handsome, +sprightly, and agreeable companion) set off to visit our estates in the +West of England, where I had never as yet set foot. We left London in +three chariots, each with four horses; and my uncle would have been +pleased could he have seen painted on their panels the Irish crown and +the ancient coat of the Barrys beside the Countess’s coronet and the +noble cognisance of the noble family of Lyndon. + +Before quitting London, I procured His Majesty’s gracious permission to +add the name of my lovely lady to my own; and henceforward assumed +the style and title of BARRY LYNDON, as I have written it in this +autobiography. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII. I APPEAR AS AN ORNAMENT OF ENGLISH SOCIETY + +All the journey down to Hackton Castle, the largest and most ancient of +our ancestral seats in Devonshire, was performed with the slow and sober +state becoming people of the first quality in the realm. An outrider in +my livery went on before us, and bespoke our lodging from town to town; +and thus we lay in state at Andover, Ilminster, and Exeter; and the +fourth evening arrived in time for supper before the antique baronial +mansion, of which the gate was in an odious Gothic taste that would have +set Mr. Walpole wild with pleasure. + +The first days of a marriage are commonly very trying; and I have known +couples, who lived together like turtle-doves for the rest of their +lives, peck each other’s eyes out almost during the honeymoon. I did not +escape the common lot; in our journey westward my Lady Lyndon chose to +quarrel with me because I pulled out a pipe of tobacco (the habit of +smoking which I had acquired in Germany when a soldier in Billow’s, and +could never give it over), and smoked it in the carriage; and also her +Ladyship chose to take umbrage both at Ilminster and Andover, because +in the evenings when we lay there I chose to invite the landlords of +the ‘Bell’ and the ‘Lion’ to crack a bottle with me. Lady Lyndon was +a haughty woman, and I hate pride; and I promise you that in both +instances I overcame this vice in her. On the third day of our journey +I had her to light my pipematch with her own hands, and made her deliver +it to me with tears in her eyes; and at the ‘Swan Inn’ at Exeter I had +so completely subdued her, that she asked me humbly whether I would not +wish the landlady as well as the host to step up to dinner with us. To +this I should have had no objection, for, indeed, Mrs. Bonnyface was a +very good-looking woman; but we expected a visit from my Lord Bishop, +a kinsman of Lady Lyndon, and the BIENSEANCES did not permit the +indulgence of my wife’s request. I appeared with her at evening service, +to compliment our right reverend cousin, and put her name down for +twenty-five guineas, and my own for one hundred, to the famous new organ +which was then being built for the cathedral. This conduct, at the very +outset of my career in the county, made me not a little popular; and +the residentiary canon, who did me the favour to sup with me at the inn, +went away after the sixth bottle, hiccuping the most solemn vows for the +welfare of such a p-p-pious gentleman. + +Before we reached Hackton Castle, we had to drive through ten miles of +the Lyndon estates, where the people were out to visit us, the church +bells set a-ringing, the parson and the farmers assembled in their best +by the roadside, and the school children and the labouring people were +loud in their hurrahs for her Ladyship. I flung money among these worthy +characters, stopped to bow and chat with his reverence and the farmers, +and if I found that the Devonshire girls were among the handsomest in +the kingdom is it my fault? These remarks my Lady Lyndon especially +would take in great dudgeon; and I do believe she was made more angry by +my admiration of the red cheeks of Miss Betsy Quarringdon of Clumpton, +than by any previous speech or act of mine in the journey. ‘Ah, ah, my +fine madam, you are jealous, are you?’ thought I, and reflected, not +without deep sorrow, how lightly she herself had acted in her husband’s +lifetime, and that those are most jealous who themselves give most cause +for jealousy. + +Round Hackton village the scene of welcome was particularly gay: a band +of music had been brought from Plymouth, and arches and flags had been +raised, especially before the attorney’s and the doctor’s houses, who +were both in the employ of the family. There were many hundreds of stout +people at the great lodge, which, with the park-wall, bounds one side of +Hackton Green, and from which, for three miles, goes (or rather went) an +avenue of noble elms up to the towers of the old castle. I wished they +had been oak when I cut the trees down in ‘79, for they would have +fetched three times the money: I know nothing more culpable than the +carelessness of ancestors in planting their grounds with timber of small +value, when they might just as easily raise oak. Thus I have always said +that the Roundhead Lyndon of Hackton, who planted these elms in Charles +II.’s time, cheated me of ten thousand pounds. + +For the first few days after our arrival, my time was agreeably spent +in receiving the visits of the nobility and gentry who came to pay their +respects to the noble new-married couple, and, like Bluebeard’s wife +in the fairy tale, in inspecting the treasures, the furniture, and the +numerous chambers of the castle. It is a huge old place, built as far +back as Henry V.’s time, besieged and battered by the Cromwellians in +the Revolution, and altered and patched up, in an odious old-fashioned +taste, by the Roundhead Lyndon, who succeeded to the property at the +death of a brother whose principles were excellent and of the true +Cavalier sort, but who ruined himself chiefly by drinking, dicing, and +a dissolute life, and a little by supporting the King. The castle stands +in a fine chase, which was prettily speckled over with deer; and I can’t +but own that my pleasure was considerable at first, as I sat in the oak +parlour of summer evenings, with the windows open, the gold and silver +plate shining in a hundred dazzling colours on the side-boards, a dozen +jolly companions round the table, and could look out over the wide green +park and the waving woods, and see the sun setting on the lake, and hear +the deer calling to one another. + +The exterior was, when I first arrived, a quaint composition of all +sorts of architecture; of feudal towers, and gable-ends in Queen Bess’s +style, and rough-patched walls built up to repair the ravages of the +Roundhead cannon: but I need not speak of this at large, having had the +place new-faced at a vast expense, under a fashionable architect, and +the facade laid out in the latest French-Greek and most classical style. +There had been moats, and drawbridges, and outer walls; these I had +shaved away into elegant terraces, and handsomely laid out in parterres +according to the plans of Monsieur Cornichon, the great Parisian +architect, who visited England for the purpose. + +After ascending the outer steps, you entered an antique hall of vast +dimensions, wainscoted with black carved oak, and ornamented with +portraits of our ancestors: from the square beard of Brook Lyndon, the +great lawyer in Queen Bess’s time, to the loose stomacher and ringlets +of Lady Saccharissa Lyndon, whom Vandyck painted when she was a maid of +honour to Queen Henrietta Maria, and down to Sir Charles Lyndon, with +his riband as a knight of the Bath; and my Lady, painted by Hudson, in +a white satin sack and the family diamonds, as she was presented to +the old King George II. These diamonds were very fine: I first had +them reset by Boehmer when we appeared before their French Majesties at +Versailles; and finally raised L18,000 upon them, after that infernal +run of ill luck at ‘Goosetree’s,’ when Jemmy Twitcher (as we called +my Lord Sandwich), Carlisle, Charley Fox, and I played hombre for +four-and-forty hours SANS DESEMPARER. Bows and pikes, huge stag-heads +and hunting implements, and rusty old suits of armour, that may have +been worn in the days of Gog and Magog for what I know, formed the other +old ornaments of this huge apartment; and were ranged round a fireplace +where you might have turned a coach-and-six. This I kept pretty much in +its antique condition, but had the old armour eventually turned out +and consigned to the lumber-rooms upstairs; replacing it with china +monsters, gilded settees from France, and elegant marbles, of which the +broken noses and limbs, and ugliness, undeniably proved their antiquity: +and which an agent purchased for me at Rome. But such was the taste +of the times (and, perhaps, the rascality of my agent), that thirty +thousand pounds’ worth of these gems of art only went for three hundred +guineas at a subsequent period, when I found it necessary to raise money +on my collections. + +From this main hall branched off on either side the long series of +state-rooms, poorly furnished with high-backed chairs and long queer +Venice glasses, when first I came to the property; but afterwards +rendered so splendid by me, with the gold damasks of Lyons and the +magnificent Gobelin tapestries I won from Richelieu at play. There +were thirty-six bedrooms DE MAITRE, of which I only kept three in their +antique condition,--the haunted room as it was called, where the murder +was done in James II.’s time, the bed where William slept after +landing at Torbay, and Queen Elizabeth’s state-room. All the rest were +redecorated by Cornichon in the most elegant taste; not a little to the +scandal of some of the steady old country dowagers; for I had pictures +of Boucher and Vanloo to decorate the principal apartments, in which the +Cupids and Venuses were painted in a manner so natural, that I recollect +the old wizened Countess of Frumpington pinning over the curtains of her +bed, and sending her daughter, Lady Blanche Whalebone, to sleep with her +waiting-woman, rather than allow her to lie in a chamber hung all over +with looking-glasses, after the exact fashion of the Queen’s closet at +Versailles. + +For many of these ornaments I was not so much answerable as Cornichon, +whom Lauraguais lent me, and who was the intendant of my buildings +during my absence abroad. I had given the man CARTE BLANCHE, and when he +fell down and broke his leg, as he was decorating a theatre in the room +which had been the old chapel of the castle, the people of the +country thought it was a judgment of Heaven upon him. In his rage for +improvement the fellow dared anything. Without my orders he cut down +an old rookery which was sacred in the country, and had a prophecy +regarding it, stating, ‘When the rook-wood shall fall, down goes Hackton +Hall.’ The rooks went over and colonised Tiptoff Woods, which lay near +us (and be hanged to them!), and Cornichon built a temple to Venus and +two lovely fountains on their site. Venuses and Cupids were the rascal’s +adoration: he wanted to take down the Gothic screen and place Cupids in +our pew there; but old Doctor Huff the rector came out with a large oak +stick, and addressed the unlucky architect in Latin, of which he did not +comprehend a word, yet made him understand that he would break his +bones if he laid a single finger upon the sacred edifice. Cornichon +made complaints about the ‘Abbe Huff,’ as he called him. [‘Et quel abbe, +grand Dieu!’ added he, quite bewildered, ‘un abbe avec douze enfans’); +but I encouraged the Church in this respect, and bade Cornichon exert +his talents only in the castle. + +There was a magnificent collection of ancient plate, to which I added +much of the most splendid modern kind; a cellar which, however well +furnished, required continual replenishing, and a kitchen which I +reformed altogether. My friend, Jack Wilkes, sent me down a cook from +the Mansion House, for the English cookery,--the turtle and venison +department: I had a CHEF (who called out the Englishman, by the way, and +complained sadly of the GROS COCHON who wanted to meet him with COUPS DE +POING) and a couple of AIDES from Paris, and an Italian confectioner, +as my OFFICIERS DE BOUCHE. All which natural appendages to a man of +fashion, the odious, stingy old Tiptoff, my kinsman and neighbour, +affected to view with horror; and he spread through the country a report +that I had my victuals cooked by Papists, lived upon frogs, and, he +verily believed, fricasseed little children. + +But the squires ate my dinners very readily for all that, and old Doctor +Huff himself was compelled to allow that my venison and turtle were +most orthodox. The former gentry I knew how to conciliate, too, in +other ways. There had been only a subscription pack of fox-hounds in +the county and a few beggarly couples of mangy beagles, with which old +Tiptoff pattered about his grounds; I built a kennel and stables, +which cost L30,000, and stocked them in a manner which was worthy of +my ancestors, the Irish kings. I had two packs of hounds, and took +the field in the season four times a week, with three gentlemen in +my hunt-uniform to follow me, and open house at Hackton for all who +belonged to the hunt. + +These changes and this train de vivre required, as may be supposed, no +small outlay; and I confess that I have little of that base spirit of +economy in my composition which some people practise and admire. For +instance, old Tiptoff was hoarding up his money to repair his father’s +extravagance and disencumber his estates; a good deal of the money +with which he paid off his mortgages my agent procured upon mine. And, +besides, it must be remembered I had only a life-interest upon the +Lyndon property, was always of an easy temper in dealing with the +money-brokers, and had to pay heavily for insuring her Ladyship’s life. + +At the end of a year Lady Lyndon presented me with a son--Bryan Lyndon +I called him, in compliment to my royal ancestry: but what more had I to +leave him than a noble name? Was not the estate of his mother entailed +upon the odious little Turk, Lord Bullingdon? and whom, by the way, I +have not mentioned as yet, though he was living at Hackton, consigned to +a new governor. The insubordination of that boy was dreadful. He used +to quote passages of ‘Hamlet’ to his mother, which made her very angry. +Once when I took a horsewhip to chastise him, he drew a knife, and would +have stabbed me: and, ‘faith, I recollected my own youth, which was +pretty similar; and, holding out my hand, burst out laughing, and +proposed to him to be friends. We were reconciled for that time, and +the next, and the next; but there was no love lost between us, and his +hatred for me seemed to grow as he grew, which was apace. + +I determined to endow my darling boy Bryan with a property, and to this +end cut down twelve thousand pounds’ worth of timber on Lady Lyndon’s +Yorkshire and Irish estates: at which proceeding Bullingdon’s guardian, +Tiptoff, cried out, as usual, and swore I had no right to touch a +stick of the trees; but down they went; and I commissioned my mother to +repurchase the ancient lands of Ballybarry and Barryogue, which had once +formed part of the immense possessions of my house. These she bought +back with excellent prudence and extreme joy; for her heart was +gladdened at the idea that a son was born to my name, and with the +notion of my magnificent fortunes. + +To say truth, I was rather afraid, now that I lived in a very different +sphere from that in which she was accustomed to move, lest she should +come to pay me a visit, and astonish my English friends by her bragging +and her brogue, her rouge and her old hoops and furbelows of the time +of George II.: in which she had figured advantageously in her youth, and +which she still fondly thought to be at the height of the fashion. So +I wrote to her, putting off her visit; begging her to visit us when +the left wing of the castle was finished, or the stables built, and so +forth. There was no need of such precaution. ‘A hint’s enough for me, +Redmond,’ the old lady would reply. ‘I am not coming to disturb you +among your great English friends with my old-fashioned Irish ways. It’s +a blessing to me to think that my darling boy has attained the position +which I always knew was his due, and for which I pinched myself to +educate him. You must bring me the little Bryan, that his grandmother +may kiss him, one day. Present my respectful blessing to her Ladyship +his mamma. Tell her she has got a treasure in her husband, which she +couldn’t have had had she taken a duke to marry her; and that the Barrys +and the Bradys, though without titles, have the best of blood in their +veins. I shall never rest until I see you Earl of Ballybarry, and my +grandson Lord Viscount Barryogue.’ + +How singular it was that the very same ideas should be passing in my +mother’s mind and my own! The very title she had pitched upon had also +been selected (naturally enough) by me; and I don’t mind confessing that +I had filled a dozen sheets of paper with my signature, under the +names of Ballybarry and Barryogue, and had determined with my usual +impetuosity to carry my point. My mother went and established herself +at Ballybarry, living with the priest there until a tenement could be +erected, and dating from ‘Ballybarry Castle;’ which, you may be sure, +I gave out to be a place of no small importance. I had a plan of the +estate in my study, both at Hackton and in Berkeley Square, and the +plans of the elevation of Ballybarry Castle, the ancestral residence of +Barry Lyndon, Esq., with the projected improvements, in which the castle +was represented as about the size of Windsor, with more ornaments to +the architecture; and eight hundred acres of bog falling in handy, I +purchased them at three pounds an acre, so that my estate upon the map +looked to be no insignificant one. [Footnote: On the strength of this +estate, and pledging his honour that it was not mortgaged, Mr. Barry +Lyndon borrowed L17,000 in the year 1786, from young Captain Pigeon, the +city merchant’s son, who had just come in for his property. At for the +Polwellan estate and mines, ‘the cause of endless litigation,’ it must +be owned that our hero purchased them; but he never paid more than the +first L5000 of the purchase-money. Hence the litigation of which he +complains, and the famous Chancery suit of ‘Trecothick v. Lyndon,’ in +which Mr. John Scott greatly distinguished himself.-ED.] + +I also in this year made arrangements for purchasing the Polwellan +estate and mines in Cornwall from Sir John Trecothick, for L70,000--an +imprudent bargain, which was afterwards the cause to me of much dispute +and litigation. The troubles of property, the rascality of agents, the +quibbles of lawyers, are endless. Humble people envy us great men, and +fancy that our lives are all pleasure. Many a time in the course of my +prosperity I have sighed for the days of my meanest fortune, and envied +the boon companions at my table, with no clothes to their backs but +such as my credit supplied them, without a guinea but what came from +my pocket; but without one of the harassing cares and responsibilities +which are the dismal adjuncts of great rank and property. + +I did little more than make my appearance, and assume the command of my +estates, in the kingdom of Ireland; rewarding generously those persons +who had been kind to me in my former adversities, and taking my fitting +place among the aristocracy of the land. But, in truth, I had small +inducements to remain in it after having tasted of the genteeler and +more complete pleasures of English and Continental life; and we passed +our summers at Buxton, Bath, and Harrogate, while Hackton Castle was +being beautified in the elegant manner already described by me, and the +season at our mansion in Berkeley Square. + +It is wonderful how the possession of wealth brings out the virtues of +a man; or, at any rate, acts as a varnish or lustre to them, and +brings out their brilliancy and colour in a manner never known when the +individual stood in the cold grey atmosphere of poverty. I assure you it +was a very short time before I was a pretty fellow of the first class; +made no small sensation at the coffee-houses in Pall Mall and +afterwards at the most famous clubs. My style, equipages, and elegant +entertainments were in everybody’s mouth, and were described in all the +morning prints. The needier part of Lady Lyndon’s relatives, and such as +had been offended by the intolerable pomposity of old Tiptoff, began to +appear at our routs and assemblies; and as for relations of my own, I +found in London and Ireland more than I had ever dreamed of, of cousins +who claimed affinity with me. There were, of course, natives of my own +country (of which I was not particularly proud), and I received visits +from three or four swaggering shabby Temple bucks, with tarnished lace +and Tipperary brogue, who were eating their way to the bar in London; +from several gambling adventurers at the watering-places, whom I soon +speedily let to know their place; and from others of more reputable +condition. Among them I may mention my cousin the Lord Kilbarry, who, on +the score of his relationship, borrowed thirty pieces from me to pay his +landlady in Swallow Street; and whom, for my own reasons, I allowed to +maintain and credit a connection for which the Heralds’ College gave no +authority whatsoever. Kilbarry had a cover at my table; punted at play, +and paid when he liked, which was seldom; had an intimacy with, and was +under considerable obligations to, my tailor; and always boasted of his +cousin the great Barry Lyndon of the West country. + +Her Ladyship and I lived, after a while, pretty separate when in London. +She preferred quiet: or to say the truth, I preferred it; being a great +friend to a modest tranquil behaviour in woman, and a taste for the +domestic pleasures. Hence I encouraged her to dine at home with her +ladies, her chaplain, and a few of her friends; admitted three or four +proper and discreet persons to accompany her to her box at the opera or +play on proper occasions; and indeed declined for her the too frequent +visits of her friends and family, preferring to receive them only twice +or thrice in a season on our grand reception days. Besides, she was a +mother, and had great comfort in the dressing, educating, and dandling +our little Bryan, for whose sake it was fit that she should give up the +pleasures and frivolities of the world; so she left THAT part of the +duty of every family of distinction to be performed by me. To say the +truth, Lady Lyndon’s figure and appearance were not at this time such as +to make for their owner any very brilliant appearance in the fashionable +world. She had grown very fat, was short-sighted, pale in complexion, +careless about her dress, dull in demeanour; her conversations with +me characterised by a stupid despair, or a silly blundering attempt at +forced cheerfulness still more disagreeable: hence our intercourse was +but trifling, and my temptations to carry her into the world, or to +remain in her society, of necessity exceedingly small. She would try my +temper at home, too, in a thousand ways. When requested by me (often, +I own, rather roughly) to entertain the company with conversation, wit, +and learning, of which she was a mistress: or music, of which she was +an accomplished performer, she would as often as not begin to cry, and +leave the room. My company from this, of course, fancied I was a tyrant +over her; whereas I was only a severe and careful guardian over a silly, +bad-tempered, and weak-minded lady. + +She was luckily very fond of her youngest son, and through him I had a +wholesome and effectual hold of her; for if in any of her tantrums or +fits of haughtiness--(this woman was intolerably proud; and repeatedly, +at first, in our quarrels, dared to twit me with my own original poverty +and low birth),--if, I say, in our disputes she pretended to have the +upper hand, to assert her authority against mine, to refuse to sign such +papers as I might think necessary for the distribution of our large and +complicated property, I would have Master Bryan carried off to Chiswick +for a couple of days; and I warrant me his lady-mother could hold out +no longer, and would agree to anything I chose to propose. The servants +about her I took care should be in my pay, not hers: especially the +child’s head nurse was under MY orders, not those of my lady; and a very +handsome, red-cheeked, impudent jade she was; and a great fool she made +me make of myself. This woman was more mistress of the house than the +poor-spirited lady who owned it. She gave the law to the servants; and +if I showed any particular attention to any of the ladies who visited +us, the slut would not scruple to show her jealousy, and to find means +to send them packing. The fact is, a generous man is always made a fool +of by some woman or other, and this one had such an influence over me +that she could turn me round her finger. [Footnote: From these curious +confessions, it would appear that Mr. Lyndon maltreated his lady in +every possible way; that he denied her society, bullied her into +signing away her property, spent it in gambling and taverns, was openly +unfaithful to her; and, when she complained, threatened to remove her +children from her. Nor, indeed, is he the only husband who has done +the like, and has passed for ‘nobody’s enemy but his own:’ a jovial +good-natured fellow. The world contains scores of such amiable people; +and, indeed, it is because justice has not been done them that we +have edited this autobiography. Had it been that of a mere hero of +romance--one of those heroic youths who figure in the novels of Scott +and James--there would have been no call to introduce the reader to a +personage already so often and so charmingly depicted. Mr. Barry Lyndon +is not, we repeat, a hero of the common pattern; but let the reader look +round, and ask himself, Do not as many rogues succeed in life as honest +men? more fools than men of talent? And is it not just that the lives of +this class should be described by the student of human nature as well +as the actions of those fairy-tale princes, those perfect impossible +heroes, whom our writers love to describe? There is something naive +and simple in that time-honoured style of novel-writing by which Prince +Prettyman, at the end of his adventures, is put in possession of every +worldly prosperity, as he has been endowed with every mental and bodily +excellence previously. The novelist thinks that he can do no more for +his darling hero than make him a lord. Is it not a poor standard that, +of the summum bonum? The greatest good in life is not to be a lord; +perhaps not even to be happy. Poverty, illness, a humpback, may be +rewards and conditions of good, as well as that bodily prosperity which +all of us unconsciously set up for worship. But this is a subject for +an essay, not a note; and it is best to allow Mr. Lyndon to resume the +candid and ingenious narrative of his virtues and defects.] + +Her infernal temper (Mrs. Stammer was the jade’s name) and my wife’s +moody despondency, made my house and home not over-pleasant: hence I was +driven a good deal abroad, where, as play was the fashion at every club, +tavern, and assembly, I, of course, was obliged to resume my old habit, +and to commence as an amateur those games at which I was once unrivalled +in Europe. But whether a man’s temper changes with prosperity, or his +skill leaves him when, deprived of a confederate, and pursuing the game +no longer professionally, he joins in it, like the rest of the world, +for pastime, I know not; but certain it is, that in the seasons of +1774-75 I lost much money at ‘White’s’ and the ‘Cocoa-Tree,’ and +was compelled to meet my losses by borrowing largely upon my wife’s +annuities, insuring her Ladyship’s life, and so forth. The terms at +which I raised these necessary sums and the outlays requisite for my +improvements were, of course, very onerous, and clipped the property +considerably; and it was some of these papers which my Lady Lyndon (who +was of a narrow, timid, and stingy turn) occasionally refused to sign: +until I PERSUADED her, as I have before shown. + +My dealings on the turf ought to be mentioned, as forming part of my +history at this time; but, in truth, I have no particular pleasure +in recalling my Newmarket doings. I was infernally bit and bubbled in +almost every one of my transactions there; and though I could ride +a horse as well as any man in England, was no match with the English +noblemen at backing him. Fifteen years after my horse, Bay Bulow, by +Sophy Hardcastle, out of Eclipse, lost the Newmarket stakes, for which +he was the first favourite, I found that a noble earl, who shall be +nameless, had got into his stable the morning before he ran; and the +consequence was that an outside horse won, and your humble servant was +out to the amount of fifteen thousand pounds. Strangers had no chance +in those days on the heath: and, though dazzled by the splendour and +fashion assembled there, and surrounded by the greatest persons of the +land,--the royal dukes, with their wives and splendid equipages; old +Grafton, with his queer bevy of company, and such men as Ancaster, +Sandwich, Lorn,--a man might have considered himself certain of fair +play and have been not a little proud of the society he kept; yet, I +promise you, that, exalted as it was, there was no set of men in Europe +who knew how to rob more genteelly, to bubble a stranger, to bribe +a jockey, to doctor a horse, or to arrange a betting-book. Even _I_ +couldn’t stand against these accomplished gamesters of the highest +families in Europe. Was it my own want of style, or my want of fortune? +I know not. But now I was arrived at the height of my ambition, both +my skill and my luck seemed to be deserting me. Everything I touched +crumbled in my hand; every speculation I had failed, every agent I +trusted deceived me. I am, indeed, one of those born to make, and not to +keep fortunes; for the qualities and energy which lead a man to effect +the first are often the very causes of his ruin in the latter case: +indeed, I know of no other reason for the misfortunes which finally +befell me. [Footnote: The Memoirs seem to have been written about the +year 1814, in that calm retreat which Fortune had selected for the +author at the close of his life.] + +I had always a taste for men of letters, and perhaps, if the truth must +be told, have no objection to playing the fine gentleman and patron +among the wits. Such people are usually needy, and of low birth, and +have an instinctive awe and love of a gentleman and a laced coat; as all +must have remarked who have frequented their society. Mr. Reynolds, who +was afterwards knighted, and certainly the most elegant painter of +his day, was a pretty dexterous courtier of the wit tribe; and it was +through this gentleman, who painted a piece of me, Lady Lyndon, and +our little Bryan, which was greatly admired at the Exhibition (I +was represented as quitting my wife, in the costume of the Tippleton +Yeomanry, of which I was major; the child starting back from my helmet +like what-d’ye-call’im--Hector’s son, as described by Mr. Pope in his +‘Iliad’); it was through Mr. Reynolds that I was introduced to a score +of these gentlemen, and their great chief, Mr. Johnson. I always thought +their great chief a great bear. He drank tea twice or thrice at my +house, misbehaving himself most grossly; treating my opinions with no +more respect than those of a schoolboy, and telling me to mind my +horses and tailors, and not trouble myself about letters. His Scotch +bear-leader, Mr. Boswell, was a butt of the first quality. I never saw +such a figure as the fellow cut in what he called a Corsican habit, +at one of Mrs. Cornely’s balls, at Carlisle House, Soho. But that +the stories connected with that same establishment are not the most +profitable tales in the world, I could tell tales of scores of queer +doings there. All the high and low demireps of the town gathered there, +from his Grace of Ancaster down to my countryman, poor Mr. Oliver +Goldsmith the poet, and from the Duchess of Kingston down to the Bird +of Paradise, or Kitty Fisher. Here I have met very queer characters, +who came to queer ends too: poor Hackman, that afterwards was hanged for +killing Miss Reay, and (on the sly) his Reverence Doctor Simony, whom +my friend Sam Foote, of the ‘Little Theatre,’ bade to live even after +forgery and the rope cut short the unlucky parson’s career. + +It was a merry place, London, in those days, and that’s the truth. I’m +writing now in my gouty old age, and people have grown vastly more moral +and matter-of-fact than they were at the close of the last century, when +the world was young with me. There was a difference between a gentleman +and a common fellow in those times. We wore silk and embroidery then. +Now every man has the same coachmanlike look in his belcher and caped +coat, and there is no outward difference between my Lord and his groom. +Then it took a man of fashion a couple of hours to make his toilette, +and he could show some taste and genius in the selecting it. What a +blaze of splendour was a drawing-room, or an opera, of a gala night! +What sums of money were lost and won at the delicious faro-table! My +gilt curricle and out-riders, blazing in green and gold, were very +different objects from the equipages you see nowadays in the ring, with +the stunted grooms behind them. A man could drink four times as much as +the milksops nowadays can swallow; but ‘tis useless expatiating on this +theme. Gentlemen are dead and gone. The fashion has now turned upon your +soldiers and sailors, and I grow quite moody and sad when I think of +thirty years ago. + +This is a chapter devoted to reminiscences of what was a very happy +and splendid time with me, but presenting little of mark in the way of +adventure; as is generally the case when times are happy and easy. It +would seem idle to fill pages with accounts of the every-day occupations +of a man of fashion,--the fair ladies who smiled upon him, the dresses +he wore, the matches he played, and won or lost. At this period of time, +when youngsters are employed cutting the Frenchmen’s throats in Spain +and France, lying out in bivouacs, and feeding off commissariat beef and +biscuit, they would not understand what a life their ancestors led; and +so I shall leave further discourse upon the pleasures of the times when +even the Prince was a lad in leading-strings, when Charles Fox had not +subsided into a mere statesman, and Buonaparte was a beggarly brat in +his native island. + +Whilst these improvements were going on in my estates,--my house, from +an antique Norman castle, being changed to an elegant Greek temple, +or palace--my gardens and woods losing their rustic appearance to be +adapted to the most genteel French style--my child growing up at his +mother’s knees, and my influence in the country increasing,--it must +not be imagined that I stayed in Devonshire all this while, and that I +neglected to make visits to London, and my various estates in England +and Ireland. + +I went to reside at the Trecothick estate and the Polwellan Wheal, where +I found, instead of profit, every kind of pettifogging chicanery; I +passed over in state to our territories in Ireland, where I entertained +the gentry in a style the Lord Lieutenant himself could not equal; gave +the fashion to Dublin (to be sure it was a beggarly savage city in those +days; and, since the time there has been a pother about the Union, and +the misfortunes attending it, I have been at a loss to account for the +mad praises of the old order of things, which the fond Irish patriots +have invented); I say I set the fashion to Dublin; and small praise to +me, for a poor place it was in those times, whatever the Irish party may +say. + +In a former chapter I have given you a description of it. It was +the Warsaw of our part of the world: there was a splendid, ruined, +half-civilised nobility, ruling over a half-savage population. I say +half-savage advisedly. The commonalty in the streets were wild, unshorn, +and in rags. The most public places were not safe after nightfall. +The College, the public buildings, and the great gentry’s houses were +splendid (the latter unfinished for the most part); but the people were +in a state more wretched than any vulgar I have ever known: the exercise +of their religion was only half allowed to them; their clergy were +forced to be educated out of the country; their aristocracy was quite +distinct from them; there was a Protestant nobility, and in the towns, +poor insolent Protestant corporations, with a bankrupt retinue of +mayors, aldermen, and municipal officers--all of whom figured in +addresses and had the public voice in the country; but there was no +sympathy and connection between the upper and the lower people of +the Irish. To one who had been bred so much abroad as myself, this +difference between Catholic and Protestant was doubly striking; +and though as firm as a rock in my own faith, yet I could not help +remembering my grandfather held a different one, and wondering that +there should be such a political difference between the two. I passed +among my neighbours for a dangerous leveller, for entertaining and +expressing such opinions, and especially for asking the priest of the +parish to my table at Castle Lyndon. He was a gentleman, educated +at Salamanca, and, to my mind, a far better bred and more agreeable +companion than his comrade the rector, who had but a dozen Protestants +for his congregation; who was a lord’s son, to be sure, but he could +hardly spell, and the great field of his labours was in the kennel and +cockpit. + +I did not extend and beautify the house of Castle Lyndon as I had done +our other estates, but contented myself with paying an occasional visit +there; exercising an almost royal hospitality, and keeping open house +during my stay. When absent, I gave to my aunt, the widow Brady, and her +six unmarried daughters (although they always detested me), permission +to inhabit the place; my mother preferring my new mansion of Barryogue. + +And as my Lord Bullingdon was by this time grown excessively tall +and troublesome, I determined to leave him under the care of a proper +governor in Ireland, with Mrs. Brady and her six daughters to take care +of him; and he was welcome to fall in love with all the old ladies if he +were so minded, and thereby imitate his stepfather’s example. When tired +of Castle Lyndon, his Lordship was at liberty to go and reside at my +house with my mamma; but there was no love lost between him and her, +and, on account of my son Bryan, I think she hated him as cordially as +ever I myself could possibly do. + +The county of Devon is not so lucky as the neighbouring county of +Cornwall, and has not the share of representatives which the latter +possesses; where I have known a moderate country gentleman, with a +few score of hundreds per annum from his estate, treble his income by +returning three or four Members to Parliament, and by the influence with +Ministers which these seats gave him. The parliamentary interest of the +house of Lyndon had been grossly neglected during my wife’s minority, +and the incapacity of the Earl her father; or, to speak more correctly, +it had been smuggled away from the Lyndon family altogether by the +adroit old hypocrite of Tiptoff Castle, who acted as most kinsmen and +guardians do by their wards and relatives, and robbed them. The Marquess +of Tiptoff returned four Members to Parliament: two for the borough of +Tippleton, which, as all the world knows, lies at the foot of our estate +of Hackton, bounded on the other side by Tiptoff Park. For time out +of mind we had sent Members for that borough, until Tiptoff, taking +advantage of the late lord’s imbecility, put in his own nominees. When +his eldest son became of age, of course my Lord was to take his seat for +Tippleton; when Rigby (Nabob Rigby, who made his fortune under Clive in +India) died, the Marquess thought fit to bring down his second son, my +Lord George Poynings, to whom I have introduced the reader in a former +chapter, and determined, in his high mightiness, that he too should go +in and swell the ranks of the Opposition--the big old Whigs, with whom +the Marquess acted. + +Rigby had been for some time in an ailing condition previous to his +demise, and you may be sure that the circumstance of his failing health +had not been passed over by the gentry of the county, who were staunch +Government men for the most part, and hated my Lord Tiptoff’s principles +as dangerous and ruinous, ‘We have been looking out for a man to fight +against him,’ said the squires to me; ‘we can only match Tiptoff out +of Hackton Castle. You, Mr. Lyndon, are our man, and at the next county +election we will swear to bring you in.’ + +I hated the Tiptoffs so, that I would have fought them at any election. +They not only would not visit at Hackton, but declined to receive those +who visited us; they kept the women of the county from receiving +my wife: they invented half the wild stories of my profligacy and +extravagance with which the neighbourhood was entertained; they said +I had frightened my wife into marriage, and that she was a lost woman; +they hinted that Bullingdon’s life was not secure under my roof, that +his treatment was odious, and that I wanted to put him out of the way +to make place for Bryan my son. I could scarce have a friend to Hackton, +but they counted the bottles drunk at my table. They ferreted out my +dealings with my lawyers and agents. If a creditor was unpaid, every +item of his bill was known at Tiptoff Hall; if I looked at a farmer’s +daughter, it was said I had ruined her. My faults are many, I confess, +and as a domestic character, I can’t boast of any particular regularity +or temper; but Lady Lyndon and I did not quarrel more than fashionable +people do, and, at first, we always used to make it up pretty well. I +am a man full of errors, certainly, but not the devil that these odious +backbiters at Tiptoff represented me to be. For the first three years +I never struck my wife but when I was in liquor. When I flung the +carving-knife at Bullingdon I was drunk, as everybody present can +testify; but as for having any systematic scheme against the poor lad, +I can declare solemnly that, beyond merely hating him (and one’s +inclinations are not in one’s power), I am guilty of no evil towards +him. + +I had sufficient motives, then, for enmity against the Tiptoffs, and am +not a man to let a feeling of that kind lie inactive. Though a Whig, +or, perhaps, because a Whig, the Marquess was one of the haughtiest +men breathing, and treated commoners as his idol the great Earl used to +treat them--after he came to a coronet himself--as so many low vassals, +who might be proud to lick his shoe-buckle. When the Tippleton mayor and +corporation waited upon him, he received them covered, never offered Mr. +Mayor a chair, but retired when the refreshments were brought, or had +them served to the worshipful aldermen in the steward’s room. These +honest Britons never rebelled against such treatment, until instructed +to do so by my patriotism. No, the dogs liked to be bullied; and, in the +course of a long experience, I have met with but very few Englishmen who +are not of their way of thinking. + +It was not until I opened their eyes that they knew their degradation. +I invited the Mayor to Hackton, and Mrs. Mayoress (a very buxom pretty +groceress she was, by the way) I made sit by my wife, and drove them +both out to the races in my curricle. Lady Lyndon fought very hard +against this condescension; but I had a way with her, as the saying is, +and though she had a temper, yet I had a better one. A temper, psha! A +wild-cat has a temper, but a keeper can get the better of it; and I know +very few women in the world whom I could not master. + +Well, I made much of the mayor and corporation; sent them bucks for +their dinners, or asked them to mine; made a point of attending their +assemblies, dancing with their wives and daughters, going through, in +short, all the acts of politeness which are necessary on such occasions: +and though old Tiptoff must have seen my goings on, yet his head was +so much in the clouds, that he never once condescended to imagine his +dynasty could be overthrown in his own town of Tippleton, and issued +his mandates as securely as if he had been the Grand Turk, and the +Tippletonians no better than so many slaves of his will. + +Every post which brought us any account of Rigby’s increasing illness, +was the sure occasion of a dinner from me; so much so, that my friends +of the hunt used to laugh and say, ‘Rigby’s worse; there’s a corporation +dinner at Hackton.’ + +It was in 1776, when the American war broke out, that I came into +Parliament. My Lord Chatham, whose wisdom his party in those days used +to call superhuman, raised his oracular voice in the House of Peers +against the American contest; and my countryman, Mr. Burke--a great +philosopher, but a plaguy long-winded orator--was the champion of the +rebels in the Commons--where, however, thanks to British patriotism, he +could get very few to back him. Old Tiptoff would have sworn black was +white if the great Earl had bidden him; and he made his son give up his +commission in the Guards, in imitation of my Lord Pitt, who resigned his +ensigncy rather than fight against what he called his American brethren. + +But this was a height of patriotism extremely little relished in +England, where, ever since the breaking out of hostilities, our people +hated the Americans heartily; and where, when we heard of the fight of +Lexington, and the glorious victory of Bunker’s Hill (as we used to call +it in those days), the nation flushed out in its usual hot-headed anger. +The talk was all against the philosophers after that, and the people +were most indomitably loyal. It was not until the land-tax was +increased, that the gentry began to grumble a little; but still my party +in the West was very strong against the Tiptoffs, and I determined to +take the field and win as usual. + +The old Marquess neglected every one of the decent precautions which are +requisite in a parliamentary campaign. He signified to the corporation +and freeholders his intention of presenting his son, Lord George, and +his desire that the latter should be elected their burgess; but he +scarcely gave so much as a glass of beer to whet the devotedness of his +adherents: and I, as I need not say, engaged every tavern in Tippleton +in my behalf. + +There is no need to go over the twenty-times-told tale of an election. I +rescued the borough of Tippleton from the hands of Lord Tiptoff and his +son, Lord George. I had a savage sort of satisfaction, too, in forcing +my wife (who had been at one time exceedingly smitten by her kinsman, +as I have already related) to take part against him, and to wear and +distribute my colours when the day of election came. And when we spoke +at one another, I told the crowd that I had beaten Lord George in +love, that I had beaten him in war, and that I would now beat him in +Parliament; and so I did, as the event proved: for, to the inexpressible +anger of the old Marquess, Barry Lyndon, Esquire, was returned member of +Parliament for Tippleton, in place of John Rigby, Esquire, deceased; and +I threatened him at the next election to turn him out of BOTH his seats, +and went to attend my duties in Parliament. + +It was then I seriously determined on achieving for myself the Irish +peerage, to be enjoyed after me by my beloved son and heir. + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII. MY GOOD FORTUNE BEGINS TO WAVER + +And now, if any people should be disposed to think my history immoral +(for I have heard some assert that I was a man who never deserved that +so much prosperity should fall to my share), I will beg those cavillers +to do me the favour to read the conclusion of my adventures; when they +will see it was no such great prize that I had won, and that wealth, +splendour, thirty thousand per annum, and a seat in Parliament, are +often purchased at too dear a rate, when one has to buy those enjoyments +at the price of personal liberty, and saddled with the charge of a +troublesome wife. + +They are the deuce, these troublesome wives, and that is the truth. No +man knows until he tries how wearisome and disheartening the burthen of +one of them is, and how the annoyance grows and strengthens from year +to year, and the courage becomes weaker to bear it; so that that trouble +which seemed light and trivial the first year, becomes intolerable +ten years after. I have heard of one of the classical fellows in the +dictionary who began by carrying a calf up a hill every day, and so +continued until the animal grew to be a bull, which he still easily +accommodated upon his shoulders; but take my word for it, young +unmarried gentlemen, a wife is a very much harder pack to the back than +the biggest heifer in Smithfield and, if I can prevent one of you from +marrying, the ‘Memoirs of Barry Lyndon, Esq.’ will not be written in +vain. Not that my Lady was a scold or a shrew, as some wives are; I +could have managed to have cured her of that; but she was of a cowardly, +crying, melancholy, maudlin temper, which is to me still more odious: +do what one would to please her, she would never be happy or in +good-humour. I left her alone after a while; and because, as was natural +in my case, where a disagreeable home obliged me to seek amusement and +companions abroad, she added a mean detestable jealousy to all her other +faults: I could not for some time pay the commonest attention to any +other woman, but my Lady Lyndon must weep, and wring her hands, and +threaten to commit suicide, and I know not what. + +Her death would have been no comfort to me, as I leave any person of +common prudence to imagine; for that scoundrel of a young Bullingdon +(who was now growing up a tall, gawky, swarthy lad, and about to become +my greatest plague and annoyance) would have inherited every penny of +the property, and I should have been left considerably poorer even than +when I married the widow: for I spent my personal fortune as well as the +lady’s income in the keeping up of our rank, and was always too much a +man of honour and spirit to save a penny of Lady Lyndon’s income. Let +this be flung in the teeth of my detractors, who say I never could have +so injured the Lyndon property had I not been making a private purse for +myself; and who believe that, even in my present painful situation, I +have hoards of gold laid by somewhere, and could come out as a Croesus +when I choose. I never raised a shilling upon Lady Lyndon’s property but +I spent it like a man of honour; besides incurring numberless personal +obligations for money, which all went to the common stock. Independent +of the Lyndon mortgages and incumbrances, I owe myself at least one +hundred and twenty thousand pounds, which I spent while in occupancy of +my wife’s estate; so that I may justly say that property is indebted to +me in the above-mentioned sum. + +Although I have described the utter disgust and distaste which speedily +took possession of my breast as regarded Lady Lyndon; and although I +took no particular pains (for I am all frankness and above-board) to +disguise my feelings in general, yet she was of such a mean spirit, that +she pursued me with her regard in spite of my indifference to her, and +would kindle up at the smallest kind word I spoke to her. The fact is, +between my respected reader and myself, that I was one of the handsomest +and most dashing young men of England in those days, and my wife was +violently in love with me; and though I say it who shouldn’t, as the +phrase goes, my wife was not the only woman of rank in London who had a +favourable opinion of the humble Irish adventurer. What a riddle these +women are, I have often thought! I have seen the most elegant creatures +at St. James’s grow wild for love of the coarsest and most vulgar of +men; the cleverest women passionately admire the most illiterate of +our sex, and so on. There is no end to the contrariety in the foolish +creatures; and though I don’t mean to hint that _I_ am vulgar or +illiterate, as the persons mentioned above (I would cut the throat of +any man who dared to whisper a word against my birth or my breeding), +yet I have shown that Lady Lyndon had plenty of reason to dislike me +if she chose: but, like the rest of her silly sex, she was governed +by infatuation, not reason; and, up to the very last day of our being +together, would be reconciled to me, and fondle me, if I addressed her a +single kind word. + +‘Ah,’ she would say, in these moments of tenderness--‘Ah, REDMOND, if +you would always be so!’ And in these fits of love she was the most easy +creature in the world to be persuaded, and would have signed away her +whole property, had it been possible. And, I must confess, it was +with very little attention on my part that I could bring her into +good-humour. To walk with her on the Mall, or at Ranelagh, to attend her +to church at St. James’s, to purchase any little present or trinket for +her, was enough to coax her. Such is female inconsistency! The next +day she would be calling me ‘Mr. Barry’ probably, and be bemoaning her +miserable fate that she ever should have been united to such a monster. +So it was she was pleased to call one of the most brilliant men in His +Majesty’s three kingdoms: and I warrant me OTHER ladies had a much more +flattering opinion of me. + +Then she would threaten to leave me; but I had a hold of her in the +person of her son, of whom she was passionately fond: I don’t know +why, for she had always neglected Bullingdon her older son, and never +bestowed a thought upon his health, his welfare, or his education. + +It was our young boy, then, who formed the great bond of union between +me and her Ladyship; and there was no plan of ambition I could propose +in which she would not join for the poor lad’s behoof, and no expense +she would not eagerly incur, if it might by any means be shown to tend +to his advancement. I can tell you, bribes were administered, and in +high places too,--so near the royal person of His Majesty, that you +would be astonished were I to mention what great personages condescended +to receive our loans. I got from the English and Irish heralds a +description and detailed pedigree of the Barony of Barryogue, and +claimed respectfully to be reinstated in my ancestral titles, and also +to be rewarded with the Viscounty of Ballybarry. ‘This head would become +a coronet,’ my Lady would sometimes say, in her fond moments, smoothing +down my hair; and, indeed, there is many a puny whipster in their +Lordships’ house who has neither my presence nor my courage, my +pedigree, nor any of my merits. + +The striving after this peerage I considered to have been one of +the most unlucky of all my unlucky dealings at this period. I made +unheard-of sacrifices to bring it about. I lavished money here and +diamonds there. I bought lands at ten times their value; purchased +pictures and articles of vertu at ruinous prices. I gave repeated +entertainments to those friends to my claims who, being about the Royal +person, were likely to advance it. I lost many a bet to the Royal Dukes +His Majesty’s brothers; but let these matters be forgotten, and, +because of my private injuries, let me not be deficient in loyalty to my +Sovereign. + +The only person in this transaction whom I shall mention openly, is that +old scamp and swindler, Gustavus Adolphus, thirteenth Earl of Crabs. +This nobleman was one of the gentlemen of His Majesty’s closet, and one +with whom the revered monarch was on terms of considerable intimacy. A +close regard had sprung up between them in the old King’s time; when +His Royal Highness, playing at battledore and shuttlecock with the young +lord on the landing-place of the great staircase at Kew, in some moment +of irritation the Prince of Wales kicked the young Earl downstairs, who, +falling, broke his leg. The Prince’s hearty repentance for his violence +caused him to ally himself closely with the person whom he had injured; +and when His Majesty came to the throne there was no man, it is said, of +whom the Earl of Bute was so jealous as of my Lord Crabs. The latter was +poor and extravagant, and Bute got him out of the way, by sending him +on the Russian and other embassies; but on this favourite’s dismissal, +Crabs sped back from the Continent, and was appointed almost immediately +to a place about His Majesty’s person. + +It was with this disreputable nobleman that I contracted an unluckly +intimacy; when, fresh and unsuspecting, I first established myself in +town, after my marriage with Lady Lyndon: and, as Crabs was really one +of the most entertaining fellows in the world, I took a sincere pleasure +in his company; besides the interesting desire I had in cultivating the +society of a man who was so near the person of the highest personage in +the realm. + +To hear the fellow, you would fancy that there was scarce any +appointment made in which he had not a share. He told me, for instance, +of Charles Fox being turned out of his place a day before poor Charley +himself was aware of the fact. He told me when the Howes were coming +back from America, and who was to succeed to the command there. Not +to multiply instances, it was upon this person that I fixed my chief +reliance for the advancement of my claim to the Barony of Barryogue and +the Viscounty which I proposed to get. + +One of the main causes of expense which this ambition of mine entailed +upon me was the fitting out and arming a company of infantry from the +Castle Lyndon and Hackton estates in Ireland, which I offered to my +gracious Sovereign for the campaign against the American rebels. These +troops, superbly equipped and clothed, were embarked at Portsmouth in +the year 1778; and the patriotism of the gentleman who had raised them +was so acceptable at Court, that, on being presented by my Lord North, +His Majesty condescended to notice me particularly, and said, ‘That’s +right, Mr. Lyndon, raise another company; and go with them, too!’ But +this was by no means, as the reader may suppose, to my notions. A man +with thirty thousand pounds per annum is a fool to risk his life like a +common beggar: and on this account I have always admired the conduct of +my friend Jack Bolter, who had been a most active and resolute cornet +of horse, and, as such, engaged in every scrape and skirmish which could +fall to his lot; but just before the battle of Minden he received news +that his uncle, the great army contractor, was dead, and had left him +five thousand per annum. Jack that instant applied for leave; and, as +it was refused him on the eve of a general action, my gentleman took it, +and never fired a pistol again: except against an officer who questioned +his courage, and whom he winged in such a cool and determined manner, as +showed all the world that it was from prudence and a desire of enjoying +his money, not from cowardice, that he quitted the profession of arms. + +When this Hackton company was raised, my stepson, who was now sixteen +years of age, was most eager to be allowed to join it, and I would have +gladly consented to have been rid of the young man; but his guardian, +Lord Tiptoff, who thwarted me in everything, refused his permission, and +the lad’s military inclinations were balked. If he could have gone on +the expedition, and a rebel rifle had put an end to him, I believe, to +tell the truth, I should not have been grieved over-much; and I should +have had the pleasure of seeing my other son the heir to the estate +which his father had won with so much pains. + +The education of this young nobleman had been, I confess, some of the +loosest; and perhaps the truth is, I DID neglect the brat. He was of +so wild, savage, and insubordinate a nature, that I never had the least +regard for him; and before me and his mother, at least, was so moody and +dull, that I thought instruction thrown away upon him, and left him for +the most part to shift for himself. For two whole years he remained +in Ireland away from us; and when in England, we kept him mainly at +Hackton, never caring to have the uncouth ungainly lad in the genteel +company in the capital in which we naturally mingled. My own poor boy, +on the contrary, was the most polite and engaging child ever seen: it +was a pleasure to treat him with kindness and distinction; and before he +was five years old, the little fellow was the pink of fashion, beauty, +and good breeding. + +In fact he could not have been otherwise, with the care both his parents +bestowed upon him, and the attentions that were lavished upon him in +every way. When he was four years old, I quarrelled with the English +nurse who had attended upon him, and about whom my wife had been so +jealous, and procured for him a French gouvernante, who had lived with +families of the first quality in Paris; and who, of course, must set my +Lady Lyndon jealous too. Under the care of this young woman my little +rogue learned to chatter French most charmingly. It would have done your +heart good to hear the dear rascal swear Mort de ma vie! and to see +him stamp his little foot, and send the manants and canaille of the +domestics to the trente mille diables. He was precocious in all things: +at a very early age he would mimic everybody; at five, he would sit at +table, and drink his glass of champagne with the best of us; and his +nurse would teach him little French catches, and the last Parisian songs +of Vade and Collard,--pretty songs they were too; and would make such +of his hearers as understood French burst with laughing, and, I promise +you, scandalise some of the old dowagers who were admitted into the +society of his mamma: not that there were many of them; for I did not +encourage the visits of what you call respectable people to Lady Lyndon. +They are sad spoilers of sport,--tale-bearers, envious narrow-minded +people; making mischief between man and wife. Whenever any of these +grave personages in hoops and high heels used to make their appearance +at Hackton, or in Berkeley Square, it was my chief pleasure to frighten +them off; and I would make my little Bryan dance, sing, and play the +diable a quatre, and aid him myself, so as to scare the old frumps. + +I never shall forget the solemn remonstrances of our old square-toes of +a rector at Hackton, who made one or two vain attempts to teach little +Bryan Latin, and with whose innumerable children I sometimes allowed the +boy to associate. They learned some of Bryan’s French songs from him, +which their mother, a poor soul who understood pickles and custards much +better than French, used fondly to encourage them in singing; but which +their father one day hearing, he sent Miss Sarah to her bedroom and +bread and water for a week, and solemnly horsed Master Jacob in the +presence of all his brothers and sisters, and of Bryan, to whom he hoped +that flogging would act as a warning. But my little rogue kicked and +plunged at the old parson’s shins until he was obliged to get his sexton +to hold him down, and swore, corbleu, morbleu, ventrebleu, that his +young friend Jacob should not be maltreated. After this scene, his +reverence forbade Bryan the rectory-house; on which I swore that his +eldest son, who was bringing up for the ministry, should never have the +succession of the living of Hackton, which I had thoughts of bestowing +on him; and his father said, with a canting hypocritical air, which +I hate, that Heaven’s will must be done; that he would not have his +children disobedient or corrupted for the sake of a bishopric, and wrote +me a pompous and solemn letter, charged with Latin quotations, taking +farewell of me and my house. ‘I do so with regret,’ added the old +gentleman, ‘for I have received so many kindnesses from the Hackton +family that it goes to my heart to be disunited from them. My poor, I +fear, may suffer in consequence of my separation from you, and my being +hence-forward unable to bring to your notice instances of distress +and affliction; which, when they were known to you, I will do you the +justice to say, your generosity was always prompt to relieve.’ + +There may have been some truth in this, for the old gentleman was +perpetually pestering me with petitions, and I know for a certainty, +from his own charities, was often without a shilling in his pocket; +but I suspect the good dinners at Hackton had a considerable share in +causing his regrets at the dissolution of our intimacy: and I know +that his wife was quite sorry to forego the acquaintance of Bryan’s +gouvernante, Mademoiselle Louison, who had all the newest French +fashions at her fingers’ ends, and who never went to the rectory but you +would see the girls of the family turn out in new sacks or mantles the +Sunday after. + +I used to punish the old rebel by snoring very loud in my pew on Sundays +during sermon-time; and I got a governor presently for Bryan, and a +chaplain of my own, when he became of age sufficient to be separated +from the women’s society and guardianship. His English nurse I married +to my head gardener, with a handsome portion; his French gouvernante I +bestowed upon my faithful German Fritz, not forgetting the dowry in the +latter instance; and they set up a French dining-house in Soho, and I +believe at the time I write they are richer in the world’s goods than +their generous and free-handed master. + +For Bryan I now got a young gentleman from Oxford, the Rev. Edmund +Lavender, who was commissioned to teach him Latin, when the boy was +in the humour, and to ground him in history, grammar, and the other +qualifications of a gentleman. Lavender was a precious addition to our +society at Hackton. He was the means of making a deal of fun there. He +was the butt of all our jokes, and bore them with the most admirable and +martyrlike patience. He was one of that sort of men who would rather be +kicked by a great man than not be noticed by him; and I have often put +his wig into the fire in the face of the company, when he would laugh +at the joke as well as any man there. It was a delight to put him on +a high-mettled horse, and send him after the hounds,--pale, sweating, +calling on us, for Heaven’s sake, to stop, and holding on for dear life +by the mane and the crupper. How it happened that the fellow was never +killed I know not; but I suppose hanging is the way in which HIS neck +will be broke. He never met with any accident, to speak of, in our +hunting-matches: but you were pretty sure to find him at dinner in his +place at the bottom of the table making the punch, whence he would be +carried off fuddled to bed before the night was over. Many a time have +Bryan and I painted his face black on those occasions. We put him into +a haunted room, and frightened his soul out of his body with ghosts; we +let loose cargoes of rats upon his bed; we cried fire, and filled his +boots with water; we cut the legs of his preaching-chair, and filled his +sermon-book with snuff. Poor Lavender bore it all with patience; and +at our parties, or when we came to London, was amply repaid by being +allowed to sit with the gentlefolks, and to fancy himself in the society +of men of fashion. It was good to hear the contempt with which he talked +about our rector. ‘He has a son, sir, who is a servitor: and a servitor +at a small college,’ he would say. ‘How COULD you, my dear sir, think of +giving the reversion of Hackton to such a low-bred creature?’ + +I should now speak of my other son, at least my Lady Lyndon’s: I mean +the Viscount Bullingdon. I kept him in Ireland for some years, under the +guardianship of my mother, whom I had installed at Castle Lyndon; and +great, I promise you, was her state in that occupation, and prodigious +the good soul’s splendour and haughty bearing. With all her oddities, +the Castle Lyndon estate was the best managed of all our possessions; +the rents were excellently paid, the charges of getting them in smaller +than they would have been under the management of any steward. It was +astonishing what small expenses the good widow incurred; although she +kept up the dignity of the TWO families, as she would say. She had a set +of domestics to attend upon the young lord; she never went out herself +but in an old gilt coach and six; the house was kept clean and tight; +the furniture and gardens in the best repair; and, in our occasional +visits to Ireland, we never found any house we visited in such good +condition as our own. There were a score of ready serving-lasses, +and half as many trim men about the castle; and everything in as fine +condition as the best housekeeper could make it. All this she did with +scarcely any charges to us: for she fed sheep and cattle in the parks, +and made a handsome profit of them at Ballinasloe; she supplied I don’t +know how many towns with butter and bacon; and the fruit and vegetables +from the gardens of Castle Lyndon got the highest prices in Dublin +market. She had no waste in the kitchen, as there used to be in most of +our Irish houses; and there was no consumption of liquor in the cellars, +for the old lady drank water, and saw little or no company. All her +society was a couple of the girls of my ancient flame Nora Brady, now +Mrs. Quin; who with her husband had spent almost all their property, +and who came to see me once in London, looking very old, fat, and +slatternly, with two dirty children at her side. She wept very much when +she saw me, called me ‘Sir,’ and ‘Mr. Lyndon,’ at which I was not sorry, +and begged me to help her husband; which I did, getting him, through +my friend Lord Crabs, a place in the excise in Ireland, and paying the +passage of his family and himself to that country. I found him a dirty, +cast-down, snivelling drunkard; and, looking at poor Nora, could not but +wonder at the days when I had thought her a divinity. But if ever I have +had a regard for a woman, I remain through life her constant friend, +and could mention a thousand such instances of my generous and faithful +disposition. + +Young Bullingdon, however, was almost the only person with whom she was +concerned that my mother could not keep in order. The accounts she sent +me of him at first were such as gave my paternal heart considerable +pain. He rejected all regularity and authority. He would absent himself +for weeks from the house on sporting or other expeditions. He was when +at home silent and queer, refusing to make my mother’s game at piquet of +evenings, but plunging into all sorts of musty old books, with which he +muddled his brains; more at ease laughing and chatting with the +pipers and maids in the servants’ hall, than with the gentry in the +drawing-room; always cutting jibes and jokes at Mrs. Barry, at which +she (who was rather a slow woman at repartee) would chafe violently: in +fact, leading a life of insubordination and scandal. And, to crown +all, the young scapegrace took to frequenting the society of the Romish +priest of the parish--a threadbare rogue, from some Popish seminary in +France or Spain--rather than the company of the vicar of Castle Lyndon, +a gentleman of Trinity, who kept his hounds and drank his two bottles a +day. + +Regard for the lad’s religion made me not hesitate then how I should act +towards him. If I have any principle which has guided me through life, +it has been respect for the Establishment, and a hearty scorn and +abhorrence of all other forms of belief. I therefore sent my French +body-servant, in the year 17--, to Dublin with a commission to bring +the young reprobate over; and the report brought to me was that he +had passed the whole of the last night of his stay in Ireland with his +Popish friend at the mass-house; that he and my mother had a violent +quarrel on the very last day; that, on the contrary, he kissed Biddy and +Dosy, her two nieces, who seemed very sorry that he should go; and that +being pressed to go and visit the rector, he absolutely refused, saying +he was a wicked old Pharisee, inside whose doors he would never set his +foot. The doctor wrote me a letter, warning me against the deplorable +errors of this young imp of perdition, as he called him; and I could see +that there was no love lost between them. But it appeared that, if not +agreeable to the gentry of the country, young Bullingdon had a huge +popularity among the common people. There was a regular crowd weeping +round the gate when his coach took its departure. Scores of the ignorant +savage wretches ran for miles along by the side of the chariot; and some +went even so far as to steal away before his departure, and appear +at the Pigeon-House at Dublin to bid him a last farewell. It was with +considerable difficulty that some of these people could be kept from +secreting themselves in the vessel, and accompanying their young lord to +England. + +To do the young scoundrel justice, when he came among us, he was a +manly noble-looking lad, and everything in his bearing and appearance +betokened the high blood from which he came. He was the very portrait +of some of the dark cavaliers of the Lyndon race, whose pictures hung +in the gallery at Hackton: where the lad was fond of spending the chief +part of his time, occupied with the musty old books which he took out of +the library, and which I hate to see a young man of spirit poring over. +Always in my company he preserved the most rigid silence, and a haughty +scornful demeanour; which was so much the more disagreeable because +there was nothing in his behaviour I could actually take hold of to find +fault with: although his whole conduct was insolent and supercilious to +the highest degree. His mother was very much agitated at receiving him +on his arrival; if he felt any such agitation he certainly did not show +it. He made her a very low and formal bow when he kissed her hand; and, +when I held out mine, put both his hands behind his back, stared me full +in the face, and bent his head, saying, ‘Mr. Barry Lyndon, I believe;’ +turned on his heel, and began talking about the state of the weather to +his mother, whom he always styled ‘Your Ladyship.’ She was angry at this +pert bearing, and, when they were alone, rebuked him sharply for not +shaking hands with his father. + +‘My father, madam?’ said he; ‘surely you mistake. My father was the +Right Honourable Sir Charles Lyndon. _I_ at least have not forgotten +him, if others have.’ It was a declaration of war to me, as I saw at +once; though I declare I was willing enough to have received the boy +well on his coming amongst us, and to have lived with him on terms of +friendliness. But as men serve me I serve them. Who can blame me for my +after-quarrels with this young reprobate, or lay upon my shoulders +the evils which afterwards befell? Perhaps I lost my temper, and my +subsequent treatment of him WAS hard. But it was he began the quarrel, +and not I; and the evil consequences which ensued were entirely of his +creating. + +As it is best to nip vice in the bud, and for a master of a family to +exercise his authority in such a manner as that there may be no question +about it, I took the earliest opportunity of coming to close quarters +with Master Bullingdon; and the day after his arrival among us, upon +his refusal to perform some duty which I requested of him, I had him +conveyed to my study, and thrashed him soundly. This process, I confess, +at first agitated me a good deal, for I had never laid a whip on a lord +before; but I got speedily used to the practice, and his back and my +whip became so well acquainted, that I warrant there was very little +CEREMONY between us after a while. + +If I were to repeat all the instances of the insubordination and brutal +conduct of young Bullingdon, I should weary the reader. His perseverance +in resistance was, I think, even greater than mine in correcting him: +for a man, be he ever so much resolved to do his duty as a parent, can’t +be flogging his children all day, or for every fault they commit: and +though I got the character of being so cruel a stepfather to him, I +pledge my word I spared him correction when he merited it many more +times than I administered it. Besides, there were eight clear months +in the year when he was quit of me, during the time of my presence in +London, at my place in Parliament, and at the Court of my Sovereign. + +At this period I made no difficulty to allow him to profit by the +Latin and Greek of the old rector; who had christened him, and had a +considerable influence over the wayward lad. After a scene or a quarrel +between us, it was generally to the rectory-house that the young rebel +would fly for refuge and counsel; and I must own that the parson was a +pretty just umpire between us in our disputes. Once he led the boy +back to Hackton by the hand, and actually brought him into my presence, +although he had vowed never to enter the doors in my lifetime again, and +said, ‘He had brought his Lordship to acknowledge his error, and submit +to any punishment I might think proper to inflict.’ Upon which I caned +him in the presence of two or three friends of mine, with whom I was +sitting drinking at the time; and to do him justice, he bore a pretty +severe punishment without wincing or crying in the least. This will +show that I was not too severe in my treatment of the lad, as I had the +authority of the clergyman himself for inflicting the correction which I +thought proper. + +Twice or thrice, Lavender, Bryan’s governor, attempted to punish my +Lord Bullingdon; but I promise you the rogue was too strong for HIM, +and levelled the Oxford man to the ground with a chair: greatly to the +delight of little Byran, who cried out, ‘Bravo, Bully! thump him, thump +him!’ And Bully certainly did, to the governor’s heart’s content; who +never attempted personal chastisement afterwards; but contented himself +by bringing the tales of his Lordship’s misdoings to me, his natural +protector and guardian. + +With the child, Bullingdon was, strange to say, pretty tractable. He +took a liking for the little fellow,--as, indeed, everybody who saw that +darling boy did,--liked him the more, he said, because he was ‘half +a Lyndon.’ And well he might like him, for many a time, at the dear +angel’s intercession of ‘Papa, don’t flog Bully to-day!’ I have held my +hand, and saved him a horsing, which he richly deserved. + +With his mother, at first, he would scarcely deign to have any +communication. He said she was no longer one of the family. Why should +he love her, as she had never been a mother to him? But it will give +the reader an idea of the dogged obstinacy and surliness of the lad’s +character, when I mention one trait regarding him. It has been made +a matter of complaint against me, that I denied him the education +befitting a gentleman, and never sent him to college or to school; but +the fact is, it was of his own choice that he went to neither. He +had the offer repeatedly from me (who wished to see as little of his +impudence as possible), but he as repeatedly declined; and, for a long +time, I could not make out what was the charm which kept him in a house +where he must have been far from comfortable. + +It came out, however, at last. There used to be very frequent disputes +between my Lady Lyndon and myself, in which sometimes she was wrong, +sometimes I was; and which, as neither of us had very angelical +tempers, used to run very high. I was often in liquor; and when in that +condition, what gentleman is master of himself? Perhaps I DID, in this +state, use my Lady rather roughly; fling a glass or two at her, and call +her by a few names that were not complimentary. I may have threatened +her life (which it was obviously my interest not to take), and have +frightened her, in a word, considerably. + +After one of these disputes, in which she ran screaming through the +galleries, and I, as tipsy as a lord, came staggering after, it appears +Bullingdon was attracted out of his room by the noise; as I came up +with her, the audacious rascal tripped up my heels, which were not very +steady, and catching his fainting mother in his arms, took her into his +own room; where he, upon her entreaty, swore he would never leave the +house as long as she continued united with me. I knew nothing of the +vow, or indeed of the tipsy frolic which was the occasion of it; I was +taken up ‘glorious,’ as the phrase is, by my servants, and put to bed, +and, in the morning, had no more recollection of what had occurred any +more than of what happened when I was a baby at the breast. Lady Lyndon +told me of the circumstance years after; and I mention it here, as it +enables me to plead honourably ‘not guilty’ to one of the absurd charges +of cruelty trumped up against me with respect to my stepson. Let my +detractors apologise, if they dare, for the conduct of a graceless +ruffian who trips up the heels of his own natural guardian and +stepfather after dinner. + +This circumstance served to unite mother and son for a little; but their +characters were too different. I believe she was too fond of me ever to +allow him to be sincerely reconciled to her. As he grew up to be a man, +his hatred towards me assumed an intensity quite wicked to think of (and +which I promise you I returned with interest): and it was at the age +of sixteen, I think, that the impudent young hangdog, on my return from +Parliament one summer, and on my proposing to cane him as usual, gave me +to understand that he would submit to no farther chastisement from me, +and said, grinding his teeth, that he would shoot me if I laid hands on +him. I looked at him; he was grown, in fact, to be a tall young man, and +I gave up that necessary part of his education. + +It was about this time that I raised the company which was to serve in +America; and my enemies in the country (and since my victory over the +Tiptoffs I scarce need say I had many of them) began to propagate +the most shameful reports regarding my conduct to that precious young +scapegrace my stepson, and to insinuate that I actually wished to get +rid of him. Thus my loyalty to my Sovereign was actually construed into +a horrid unnatural attempt on my part on Bullingdon’s life; and it +was said that I had raised the American corps for the sole purpose of +getting the young Viscount to command it, and so of getting rid of him. +I am not sure that they had not fixed upon the name of the very man in +the company who was ordered to despatch him at the first general action, +and the bribe I was to give him for this delicate piece of service. + +But the truth is, I was of opinion then (and though the fulfilment of +my prophecy has been delayed, yet I make no doubt it will be brought to +pass ere long), that my Lord Bullingdon needed none of MY aid in sending +him into the other world; but had a happy knack of finding the way +thither himself, which he would be sure to pursue. In truth, he began +upon this way early: of all the violent, daring, disobedient scapegraces +that ever caused an affectionate parent pain, he was certainly the most +incorrigible; there was no beating him, or coaxing him, or taming him. + +For instance, with my little son, when his governor brought him into the +room as we were over the bottle after dinner, my Lord would begin his +violent and undutiful sarcasms at me. + +‘Dear child,’ he would say, beginning to caress and fondle him, ‘what +a pity it is I am not dead for thy sake! The Lyndons would then have a +worthier representative, and enjoy all the benefit of the illustrious +blood of the Barrys of Barryogue; would they not, Mr. Barry Lyndon?’ +He always chose the days when company, or the clergy or gentry of the +neighbourhood, were present, to make these insolent speeches to me. + +Another day (it was Bryan’s birthday) we were giving a grand ball +and gala at Hackton, and it was time for my little Bryan to make his +appearance among us, as he usually did in the smartest little court-suit +you ever saw (ah me! but it brings tears into my old eyes now to think +of the bright looks of that darling little face). There was a great +crowding and tittering when the child came in, led by his half-brother, +who walked into the dancing-room (would you believe it?) in his +stocking-feet, leading little Bryan by the hand, paddling about in the +great shoes of the elder! ‘Don’t you think he fits my shoes very well, +Sir Richard Wargrave?’ says the young reprobate: upon which the company +began to look at each other and to titter; and his mother, coming up to +Lord Bullingdon with great dignity, seized the child to her breast, and +said, ‘From the manner in which I love this child, my Lord, you ought +to know how I would have loved his elder brother had he proved worthy of +any mother’s affection!’ and, bursting into tears, Lady Lyndon left the +apartment, and the young lord rather discomfited for once. + +At last, on one occasion, his behaviour to me was so outrageous (it was +in the hunting-field and in a large public company), that I lost all +patience, rode at the urchin straight, wrenched him out of his saddle +with all my force, and, flinging him roughly to the ground, sprang +down to it myself, and administered such a correction across the young +caitiff’s head and shoulders with my horsewhip as might have ended in +his death, had I not been restrained in time; for my passion was up, and +I was in a state to do murder or any other crime. The lad was taken home +and put to bed, where he lay for a day or two in a fever, as much from +rage and vexation as from the chastisement I had given him; and three +days afterwards, on sending to inquire at his chamber whether he would +join the family at table, a note was found on his table, and his bed +was empty and cold. The young villain had fled, and had the audacity to +write in the following terms regarding me to my wife, his mother:-- + +‘Madam,’ he said, ‘I have borne as long as mortal could endure the +ill-treatment of the insolent Irish upstart whom you have taken to your +bed. It is not only the lowness of his birth and the general brutality +of his manners which disgust me, and must make me hate him so long as I +have the honour to bear the name of Lyndon, which he is unworthy of, but +the shameful nature of his conduct towards your Ladyship; his brutal +and ungentlemanlike behaviour, his open infidelity, his habits of +extravagance, intoxication, his shameless robberies and swindling of my +property and yours. It is these insults to you which shock and annoy me, +more than the ruffian’s infamous conduct to myself. I would have stood +by your Ladyship as I promised, but you seem to have taken latterly +your husband’s part; and, as I cannot personally chastise this low-bred +ruffian, who, to our shame be it spoken, is the husband of my mother; +and as I cannot bear to witness his treatment of you, and loathe his +horrible society as if it were the plague, I am determined to quit my +native country: at least during his detested life, or during my own. +I possess a small income from my father, of which I have no doubt Mr. +Barry will cheat me if he can; but which, if your Ladyship has some +feelings of a mother left, you will, perhaps, award to me. Messrs. +Childs, the bankers, can have orders to pay it to me when due; if they +receive no such orders, I shall be not in the least surprised, knowing +you to be in the hands of a villain who would not scruple to rob on +the highway; and shall try to find out some way in life for myself more +honourable than that by which the penniless Irish adventurer has arrived +to turn me out of my rights and home.’ + +This mad epistle was signed ‘Bullingdon,’ and all the neighbours vowed +that I had been privy to his flight, and would profit by it; though I +declare on my honour my true and sincere desire, after reading the above +infamous letter, was to have the author within a good arm’s length of +me, that I might let him know my opinion regarding him. But there was no +eradicating this idea from people’s minds, who insisted that I wanted +to kill Bullingdon; whereas murder, as I have said, was never one of my +evil qualities: and even had I wished to injure my young enemy ever so +much, common prudence would have made my mind easy, as I knew he was +going to ruin his own way. + +It was long before we heard of the fate of the audacious young truant; +but after some fifteen months had elapsed, I had the pleasure of being +able to refute some of the murderous calumnies which had been uttered +against me, by producing a bill with Bullingdon’s own signature, drawn +from General Tarleton’s army in America, where my company was conducting +itself with the greatest glory, and with which my Lord was serving as +a volunteer. There were some of my kind friends who persisted still in +attributing all sorts of wicked intentions to me. Lord Tiptoff would +never believe that I would pay any bill, much more any bill of Lord +Bullingdon’s; old Lady Betty Grimsby, his sister, persisted in declaring +the bill was a forgery, and the poor dear lord dead; until there came a +letter to her Ladyship from Lord Bullingdon himself, who had been at New +York at headquarters, and who described at length the splendid festival +given by the officers of the garrison to our distinguished chieftains, +the two Howes. + +In the meanwhile, if I HAD murdered my Lord, I could scarcely have been +received with more shameful obloquy and slander than now followed me in +town and country. ‘You will hear of the lad’s death, be sure,’ exclaimed +one of my friends. ‘And then his wife’s will follow,’ added another. ‘He +will marry Jenny Jones,’ added a third; and so on. Lavender brought me +the news of these scandals about me: the country was up against me. The +farmers on market-days used to touch their hats sulkily, and get out of +my way; the gentlemen who followed my hunt now suddenly seceded from it, +and left off my uniform; at the county ball, where I led out Lady Susan +Capermore, and took my place third in the dance after the duke and the +marquis, as was my wont, all the couples turned away as we came to them, +and we were left to dance alone. Sukey Capermore has a love of dancing +which would make her dance at a funeral if anybody asked her, and I had +too much spirit to give in at this signal instance of insult towards me; +so we danced with some of the very commonest low people at the bottom of +the set--your apothecaries, wine-merchants, attorneys, and such scum as +are allowed to attend our public assemblies. + +The bishop, my Lady Lyndon’s relative, neglected to invite us to the +palace at the assizes; and, in a word, every indignity was put upon me +which could by possibility be heaped upon an innocent and honourable +gentleman. + +My reception in London, whither I now carried my wife and family, was +scarcely more cordial. On paying my respects to my Sovereign at +St. James’s, His Majesty pointedly asked me when I had news of Lord +Bullingdon. On which I replied, with no ordinary presence of mind, ‘Sir, +my Lord Bullingdon is fighting the rebels against your Majesty’s crown +in America. Does your Majesty desire that I should send another regiment +to aid him?’ On which the King turned on his heel, and I made my bow out +of the presence-chamber. When Lady Lyndon kissed the Queen’s hand at the +drawing-room, I found that precisely the same question had been put to +her Ladyship; and she came home much agitated at the rebuke which had +been administered to her. Thus it was that my loyalty was rewarded, +and my sacrifice, in favour of my country, viewed! I took away my +establishment abruptly to Paris, where I met with a very different +reception: but my stay amidst the enchanting pleasures of that capital +was extremely short; for the French Government, which had been long +tampering with the American rebels, now openly acknowledged the +independence of the United States. A declaration of war ensued: all we +happy English were ordered away from Paris; and I think I left one +or two fair ladies there inconsolable. It is the only place where a +gentleman can live as he likes without being incommoded by his wife. +The Countess and I, during our stay, scarcely saw each other except upon +public occasions, at Versailles, or at the Queen’s play-table; and our +dear little Bryan advanced in a thousand elegant accomplishments which +rendered him the delight of all who knew him. + +I must not forget to mention here my last interview with my good +uncle, the Chevalier de Ballybarry, whom I left at Brussels with strong +intentions of making his salut, as the phrase is, and who had gone into +retirement at a convent there. Since then he had come into the world +again, much to his annoyance and repentance; having fallen desperately +in love in his old age with a French actress, who had done, as most +ladies of her character do,--ruined him, left him, and laughed at him. +His repentance was very edifying. Under the guidance of Messieurs of the +Irish College, he once more turned his thoughts towards religion; and +his only prayer to me when I saw him and asked in what I could relieve +him, was to pay a handsome fee to the convent into which he proposed to +enter. + +This I could not, of course, do: my religious principles forbidding me +to encourage superstition in any way; and the old gentleman and I parted +rather coolly, in consequence of my refusal, as he said, to make his old +days comfortable. + +I was very poor at the time, that is the fact; and entre nous, the +Rosemont of the French Opera, an indifferent dancer, but a charming +figure and ankle, was ruining me in diamonds, equipages, and furniture +bills, added to which I had a run of ill-luck at play, and was forced to +meet my losses by the most shameful sacrifices to the money-lenders, by +pawning part of Lady Lyndon’s diamonds (that graceless little Rosemont +wheedled me out of some of them), and by a thousand other schemes for +raising money. But when Honour is in the case, was I ever found backward +at her call: and what man can say that Barry Lyndon lost a bet which he +did not pay? + +As for my ambitious hopes regarding the Irish peerage, I began, on my +return, to find out that I had been led wildly astray by that rascal +Lord Crabs; who liked to take my money, but had no more influence to get +me a coronet than to procure for me the Pope’s tiara. The Sovereign was +not a whit more gracious to me on returning from the Continent than he +had been before my departure; and I had it from one of the aides-de-camp +of the Royal Dukes his brothers, that my conduct and amusements at Paris +had been odiously misrepresented by some spies there, and had formed +the subject of Royal comment; and that the King had, influenced by these +calumnies, actually said I was the most disreputable man in the three +kingdoms. I disreputable! I a dishonour to my name and country! When +I heard these falsehoods, I was in such a rage that I went off to Lord +North at once to remonstrate with the Minister; to insist upon being +allowed to appear before His Majesty and clear myself of the imputations +against me, to point out my services to the Government in voting with +them, and to ask when the reward that had been promised to me--viz., the +title held by my ancestors--was again to be revived in my person? + +There was a sleepy coolness in that fat Lord North which was the most +provoking thing that the Opposition had ever to encounter from him. +He heard me with half-shut eyes. When I had finished a long violent +speech--which I made striding about his room in Downing Street, and +gesticulating with all the energy of an Irishman--he opened one eye, +smiled, and asked me gently if I had done. On my replying in the +affirmative, he said, ‘Well, Mr. Barry, I’ll answer you, point by point. +The King is exceedingly averse to make peers, as you know. Your claims, +as you call them, HAVE been laid before him, and His Majesty’s gracious +reply was, that you were the most impudent man in his dominions, and +merited a halter rather than a coronet. As for withdrawing your support +from us, you are perfectly welcome to carry yourself and your vote +whithersoever you please. And now, as I have a great deal of occupation, +perhaps you will do me the favour to retire.’ So saying, he raised his +hand lazily to the bell, and bowed me out; asking blandly if there was +any other thing in the world in which he could oblige me. + +I went home in a fury which can’t be described; and having Lord Crabs to +dinner that day, assailed his Lordship by pulling his wig off his head, +and smothering it in his face, and by attacking him in that part of the +person where, according to report, he had been formerly assaulted by +Majesty. The whole story was over the town the next day, and pictures +of me were hanging in the clubs and print-shops performing the operation +alluded to. All the town laughed at the picture of the lord and the +Irishman, and, I need not say, recognised both. As for me, I was one of +the most celebrated characters in London in those days: my dress, style, +and equipage being as well known as those of any leader of the fashion; +and my popularity, if not great in the highest quarters, was at least +considerable elsewhere. The people cheered me in the Gordon rows, at +the time they nearly killed my friend Jemmy Twitcher and burned Lord +Mansfield’s house down. Indeed, I was known as a staunch Protestant, and +after my quarrel with Lord North veered right round to the Opposition, +and vexed him with all the means in my power. + +These were not, unluckily, very great, for I was a bad speaker, and the +House would not listen to me, and presently, in 1780, after the Gordon +disturbance, was dissolved, when a general election took place. It came +on me, as all my mishaps were in the habit of coming, at a most unlucky +time. I was obliged to raise more money, at most ruinous rates, to face +the confounded election, and had the Tiptoffs against me in the field +more active and virulent than ever. + +My blood boils even now when I think of the rascally conduct of my +enemies in that scoundrelly election. I was held up as the Irish +Bluebeard, and libels of me were printed, and gross caricatures drawn +representing me flogging Lady Lyndon, whipping Lord Bullingdon, turning +him out of doors in a storm, and I know not what. There were pictures of +a pauper cabin in Ireland, from which it was pretended I came; others in +which I was represented as a lacquey and shoeblack. A flood of calumny +was let loose upon me, in which any man of less spirit would have gone +down. + +But though I met my accusers boldly, though I lavished sums of money in +the election, though I flung open Hackton Hall and kept champagne and +Burgundy running there, and at all my inns in the town, as commonly as +water, the election went against me. The rascally gentry had all turned +upon me and joined the Tiptoff faction: it was even represented that +I held my wife by force; and though I sent her into the town alone, +wearing my colours, with Bryan in her lap, and made her visit the +mayor’s lady and the chief women there, nothing would persuade the +people but that she lived in fear and trembling of me; and the brutal +mob had the insolence to ask her why she dared to go back, and how she +liked horsewhip for supper. + +I was thrown out of my election, and all the bills came down upon me +together--all the bills I had been contracting during the years of my +marriage, which the creditors, with a rascally unanimity, sent in until +they lay upon my table in heaps. I won’t cite their amount: it was +frightful. My stewards and lawyers made matters worse. I was bound up +in an inextricable toil of bills and debts, of mortgages and insurances, +and all the horrible evils attendant upon them. Lawyers upon lawyers +posted down from London; composition after composition was made, and +Lady Lyndon’s income hampered almost irretrievably to satisfy these +cormorants. To do her justice, she behaved with tolerable kindness at +this season of trouble; for whenever I wanted money I had to coax +her, and whenever I coaxed her I was sure of bringing this weak and +light-minded woman to good-humour: who was of such a weak terrified +nature, that to secure an easy week with me she would sign away a +thousand a year. And when my troubles began at Hackton, and I determined +on the only chance left, viz. to retire to Ireland and retrench, +assigning over the best part of my income to the creditors until their +demands were met, my Lady was quite cheerful at the idea of going, and +said, if we would be quiet, she had no doubt all would be well; indeed, +was glad to undergo the comparative poverty in which we must now live +for the sake of the retirement and the chance of domestic quiet which +she hoped to enjoy. + +We went off to Bristol pretty suddenly, leaving the odious and +ungrateful wretches at Hackton to vilify us, no doubt, in our absence. +My stud and hounds were sold off immediately; the harpies would have +been glad to pounce upon my person; but that was out of their power. +I had raised, by cleverness and management, to the full as much on my +mines and private estates as they were worth; so the scoundrels were +disappointed in THIS instance; and as for the plate and property in the +London house, they could not touch that, as it was the property of the +heirs of the house of Lyndon. + +I passed over to Ireland, then, and took up my abode at Castle Lyndon +for a while; all the world imagining that I was an utterly ruined man, +and that the famous and dashing Barry Lyndon would never again appear in +the circles of which he had been an ornament. But it was not so. In the +midst of my perplexities, Fortune reserved a great consolation for me +still. Despatches came home from America announcing Lord Cornwallis’s +defeat of General Gates in Carolina, and the death of Lord Bullingdon, +who was present as a volunteer. + +For my own desires to possess a paltry Irish title I cared little. My +son was now heir to an English earldom, and I made him assume forthwith +the title of Lord Viscount Castle Lyndon, the third of the family +titles. My mother went almost mad with joy at saluting her grandson as +‘my Lord,’ and I felt that all my sufferings and privations were repaid +by seeing this darling child advanced to such a post of honour. + + + + +CHAPTER XIX. CONCLUSION + +If the world were not composed of a race of ungrateful scoundrels, who +share your prosperity while it lasts, and, even when gorged with your +venison and Burgundy, abuse the generous giver of the feast, I am sure I +merit a good name and a high reputation: in Ireland, at least, where +my generosity was unbounded, and the splendour of my mansion and +entertainments unequalled by any other nobleman of my time. As long as +my magnificence lasted, all the country was free to partake of it; I had +hunters sufficient in my stables to mount a regiment of dragoons, and +butts of wine in my cellar which would have made whole counties drunk +for years. Castle Lyndon became the headquarters of scores of needy +gentlemen, and I never rode a-hunting but I had a dozen young fellows of +the best blood of the country riding as my squires and gentlemen of +the horse. My son, little Castle Lyndon, was a prince; his breeding and +manners, even at his early age, showed him to be worthy of the two noble +families from whom he was descended: I don’t know what high hopes I had +for the boy, and indulged in a thousand fond anticipations as to his +future success and figure in the world. But stern Fate had determined +that I should leave none of my race behind me, and ordained that I +should finish my career, as I see it closing now--poor, lonely, and +childless. I may have had my faults; but no man shall dare to say of me +that I was not a good and tender father. I loved that boy passionately; +perhaps with a blind partiality: I denied him nothing. Gladly, gladly, +I swear, would I have died that his premature doom might have been +averted. I think there is not a day since I lost him but his bright face +and beautiful smiles look down on me out of heaven, where he is, and +that my heart does not yearn towards him. That sweet child was taken +from me at the age of nine years, when he was full of beauty and +promise: and so powerful is the hold his memory has of me that I have +never been able to forget him; his little spirit haunts me of nights +on my restless solitary pillow; many a time, in the wildest and maddest +company, as the bottle is going round, and the song and laugh roaring +about, I am thinking of him. I have got a lock of his soft brown hair +hanging round my breast now: it will accompany me to the dishonoured +pauper’s grave; where soon, no doubt, Barry Lyndon’s worn-out old bones +will be laid. + +My Bryan was a boy of amazing high spirit (indeed how, coming from such +a stock, could he be otherwise?), impatient even of my control, against +which the dear little rogue would often rebel gallantly; how much more, +then, of his mother’s and the women’s, whose attempts to direct him he +would laugh to scorn. Even my own mother [‘Mrs. Barry of Lyndon’ the +good soul now called herself, in compliment to my new family) was quite +unable to check him; and hence you may fancy what a will he had of his +own. If it had not been for that, he might have lived to this day: he +might--but why repine? Is he not in a better place? would the heritage +of a beggar do any service to him? It is best as it is--Heaven be good +to us!--Alas! that I, his father, should be left to deplore him. + +It was in the month of October I had been to Dublin, in order to see a +lawyer and a moneyed man who had come over to Ireland to consult with me +about some sales of mine and the cut of Hackton timber; of which, as I +hated the place and was greatly in want of money, I was determined to +cut down every stick. There had been some difficulty in the matter. It +was said I had no right to touch the timber. The brute peasantry about +the estate had been roused to such a pitch of hatred against me, that +the rascals actually refused to lay an axe to the trees; and my agent +(that scoundrel Larkins) declared that his life was in danger among +them if he attempted any further despoilment (as they called it) of the +property. Every article of the splendid furniture was sold by this time, +as I need not say; and as for the plate, I had taken good care to bring +it off to Ireland, where it now was in the best of keeping--my banker’s, +who had advanced six thousand pounds on it: which sum I soon had +occasion for. + +I went to Dublin, then, to meet the English man of business; and so +far succeeded in persuading Mr. Splint, a great shipbuilder and +timber-dealer of Plymouth, of my claim to the Hackton timber, that he +agreed to purchase it off-hand at about one-third of its value, and +handed me over five thousand pounds: which, being pressed with debts at +the time, I was fain to accept. HE had no difficulty in getting down the +wood, I warrant. He took a regiment of shipwrights and sawyers from his +own and the King’s yards at Plymouth, and in two months Hackton Park was +as bare of trees as the Bog of Allen. + +I had but ill luck with that accursed expedition and money. I lost the +greater part of it in two nights’ play at ‘Daly’s,’ so that my debts +stood just as they were before; and before the vessel sailed for +Holyhead, which carried away my old sharper of a timber-merchant, all +that I had left of the money he brought me was a couple of hundred +pounds, with which I returned home very disconsolately: and very +suddenly, too, for my Dublin tradesmen were hot upon me, hearing I had +spent the loan, and two of my wine-merchants had writs out against me +for some thousands of pounds. + +I bought in Dublin, according to my promise, however--for when I give +a promise I will keep it at any sacrifices--a little horse for my dear +little Bryan; which was to be a present for his tenth birthday, that was +now coming on: it was a beautiful little animal and stood me in a good +sum. I never regarded money for that dear child. But the horse was very +wild. He kicked off one of my horse-boys, who rode him at first, and +broke the lad’s leg; and, though I took the animal in hand on the +journey home, it was only my weight and skill that made the brute quiet. + +When we got home I sent the horse away with one of my grooms to a +farmer’s house, to break him thoroughly in, and told Bryan, who was all +anxiety to see his little horse, that he would arrive by his birthday, +when he should hunt him along with my hounds; and I promised myself +no small pleasure in presenting the dear fellow to the field that day: +which I hoped to see him lead some time or other in place of his fond +father. Ah me! never was that gallant boy to ride a fox-chase, or to +take the place amongst the gentry of his country which his birth and +genius had pointed out for him! + +Though I don’t believe in dreams and omens, yet I can’t but own that +when a great calamity is hanging over a man he has frequently many +strange and awful forebodings of it. I fancy now I had many. Lady +Lyndon, especially, twice dreamed of her son’s death; but, as she was +now grown uncommonly nervous and vapourish, I treated her fears with +scorn, and my own, of course, too. And in an unguarded moment, over the +bottle after dinner, I told poor Bryan, who was always questioning me +about the little horse, and when it was to come, that it was arrived; +that it was in Doolan’s farm, where Mick the groom was breaking him in. +‘Promise me, Bryan,’ screamed his mother, ‘that you will not ride the +horse except in company of your father.’ But I only said, ‘Pooh, madam, +you are an ass!’ being angry at her silly timidity, which was always +showing itself in a thousand disagreeable ways now; and, turning round +to Bryan, said, ‘I promise your Lordship a good flogging if you mount +him without my leave.’ + +I suppose the poor child did not care about paying this penalty for the +pleasure he was to have, or possibly thought a fond father would remit +the punishment altogether; for the next morning, when I rose rather +late, having sat up drinking the night before, I found the child had +been off at daybreak, having slipt through his tutor’s room (this was +Redmond Quin, our cousin, whom I had taken to live with me), and I had +no doubt but that he was gone to Doolan’s farm. + +I took a great horsewhip and galloped off after him in a rage, swearing +I would keep my promise. But, Heaven forgive me! I little thought of it +when at three miles from home I met a sad procession coming towards me: +peasants moaning and howling as our Irish do, the black horse led by the +hand, and, on a door that some of the folk carried, my poor dear dear +little boy. There he lay in his little boots and spurs, and his little +coat of scarlet and gold. His dear face was quite white, and he smiled +as he held a hand out to me, and said painfully, ‘You won’t whip me, +will you, papa?’ I could only burst out into tears in reply. I have seen +many and many a man dying, and there’s a look about the eyes which you +cannot mistake. There was a little drummer-boy I was fond of who was hit +down before my company at Kuhnersdorf; when I ran up to give him +some water, he looked exactly like my dear Bryan then did--there’s no +mistaking that awful look of the eyes. We carried him home and scoured +the country round for doctors to come and look at his hurt. + +But what does a doctor avail in a contest with the grim invincible +enemy? Such as came could only confirm our despair by their account +of the poor child’s case. He had mounted his horse gallantly, sat him +bravely all the time the animal plunged and kicked, and, having overcome +his first spite, ran him at a hedge by the roadside. But there were +loose stones at the top, and the horse’s foot caught among them, and he +and his brave little rider rolled over together at the other side. The +people said they saw the noble little boy spring up after his fall and +run to catch the horse; which had broken away from him, kicking him on +the back, as it would seem, as they lay on the ground. Poor Bryan ran a +few yards and then dropped down as if shot. A pallor came over his face, +and they thought he was dead. But they poured whisky down his mouth, and +the poor child revived: still he could not move; his spine was injured; +the lower half of him was dead when they laid him in bed at home. The +rest did not last long, God help me! He remained yet for two days with +us; and a sad comfort it was to think he was in no pain. + +During this time the dear angel’s temper seemed quite to change: he +asked his mother and me pardon for any act of disobedience he had been +guilty of towards us; he said often he should like to see his brother +Bullingdon. ‘Bully was better than you, papa,’ he said; ‘he used not +to swear so, and he told and taught me many good things while you were +away.’ And, taking a hand of his mother and mine in each of his little +clammy ones, he begged us not to quarrel so, but love each other, so +that we might meet again in heaven, where Bully told him quarrelsome +people never went. His mother was very much affected by these +admonitions from the poor suffering angel’s mouth; and I was so too. I +wish she had enabled me to keep the counsel which the dying boy gave us. + +At last, after two days, he died. There he lay, the hope of my family, +the pride of my manhood, the link which had kept me and my Lady Lyndon +together. ‘Oh, Redmond,’ said she, kneeling by the sweet child’s body, +‘do, do let us listen to the truth out of his blessed mouth: and do you +amend your life, and treat your poor loving fond wife as her dying child +bade you.’ And I said I would: but there are promises which it is out of +a man’s power to keep; especially with such a woman as her. But we +drew together after that sad event, and were for several months better +friends. + +I won’t tell you with what splendour we buried him. Of what avail are +undertakers’ feathers and heralds’ trumpery? I went out and shot the +fatal black horse that had killed him, at the door of the vault where we +laid my boy. I was so wild, that I could have shot myself too. But for +the crime, it would have been better that I should, perhaps; for what +has my life been since that sweet flower was taken out of my bosom? +A succession of miseries, wrongs, disasters, and mental and bodily +sufferings which never fell to the lot of any other man in Christendom. + +Lady Lyndon, always vapourish and nervous, after our blessed boy’s +catastrophe became more agitated than ever, and plunged into devotion +with so much fervour, that you would have fancied her almost distracted +at times. She imagined she saw visions. She said an angel from heaven +had told her that Bryan’s death was as a punishment to her for her +neglect of her first-born. Then she would declare Bullingdon was alive; +she had seen him in a dream. Then again she would fall into fits of +sorrow about his death, and grieve for him as violently as if he had +been the last of her sons who had died, and not our darling Bryan; who, +compared to Bullingdon, was what a diamond is to a vulgar stone. Her +freaks were painful to witness, and difficult to control. It began to +be said in the country that the Countess was going mad. My scoundrelly +enemies did not fail to confirm and magnify the rumour, and would add +that I was the cause of her insanity: I had driven her to distraction, I +had killed Bullingdon, I had murdered my own son; I don’t know what else +they laid to my charge. Even in Ireland their hateful calumnies reached +me: my friends fell away from me. They began to desert my hunt, as they +did in England, and when I went to race or market found sudden reasons +for getting out of my neighbourhood. I got the name of Wicked Barry, +Devil Lyndon, which you please: the country-folk used to make marvellous +legends about me: the priests said I had massacred I don’t know how +many German nuns in the Seven Years’ War; that the ghost of the murdered +Bullingdon haunted my house. Once at a fair in a town hard by, when I +had a mind to buy a waistcoat for one of my people, a fellow standing by +said, ‘’Tis a strait-waistcoat he’s buying for my Lady Lyndon.’ And +from this circumstance arose a legend of my cruelty to my wife; and many +circumstantial details were narrated regarding my manner and ingenuity +of torturing her. + +The loss of my dear boy pressed not only on my heart as a father, but +injured my individual interests in a very considerable degree; for as +there was now no direct heir to the estate, and Lady Lyndon was of a +weak health, and supposed to be quite unlikely to leave a family, the +next in succession-that detestable family of Tiptoff--began to exert +themselves in a hundred ways to annoy me, and were at the head of +the party of enemies who were raising reports to my discredit. They +interposed between me and my management of the property in a hundred +different ways; making an outcry if I cut a stick, sunk a shaft, sold a +picture, or sent a few ounces of plate to be remodelled. They harassed +me with ceaseless lawsuits, got injunctions from Chancery, hampered my +agents in the execution of their work; so much so that you would have +fancied my own was not my own, but theirs, to do as they liked with. +What is worse, as I have reason to believe, they had tamperings and +dealings with my own domestics under my own roof; for I could not have +a word with Lady Lyndon but it somehow got abroad, and I could not be +drunk with my chaplain and friends but some sanctified rascals would +get hold of the news, and reckon up all the bottles I drank and all the +oaths I swore. That these were not few, I acknowledge. I am of the old +school; was always a free liver and speaker; and, at least, if I did and +said what I liked, was not so bad as many a canting scoundrel I know of +who covers his foibles and sins, unsuspected, with a mask of holiness. +As I am making a clean breast of it, and am no hypocrite, I may as well +confess now that I endeavoured to ward off the devices of my enemies +by an artifice which was not, perhaps, strictly justifiable. Everything +depended on my having an heir to the estate; for if Lady Lyndon, who +was of weakly health, had died, the next day I was a beggar: all my +sacrifices of money, &c., on the estate would not have been held in a +farthing’s account; all the debts would have been left on my shoulders; +and my enemies would have triumphed over me: which, to a man of my +honourable spirit, was ‘the unkindest cut of all,’ as some poet says. + +I confess, then, it was my wish to supplant these scoundrels; and, as I +could not do so without an heir to my property, _I_ DETERMINED TO FIND +ONE. If I had him near at hand, and of my own blood too, though with +the bar sinister, is not here the question. It was then I found out the +rascally machinations of my enemies; for, having broached this plan to +Lady Lyndon, whom I made to be, outwardly at least, the most obedient +of wives,--although I never let a letter from her or to her go or arrive +without my inspection,--although I allowed her to see none but those +persons who I thought, in her delicate health, would be fitting society +for her; yet the infernal Tiptoffs got wind of my scheme, protested +instantly against it, not only by letter, but in the shameful libellous +public prints, and held me up to public odium as a ‘child-forger,’ as +they called me. Of course I denied the charge--I could do no otherwise, +and offered to meet any one of the Tiptoffs on the field of honour, and +prove him a scoundrel and a liar: as he was; though, perhaps, not +in this instance. But they contented themselves by answering me by a +lawyer, and declined an invitation which any man of spirit would have +accepted. My hopes of having an heir were thus blighted completely: +indeed, Lady Lyndon (though, as I have said, I take her opposition for +nothing) had resisted the proposal with as much energy as a woman of her +weakness could manifest; and said she had committed one great crime in +consequence of me, but would rather die than perform another. I could +easily have brought her Ladyship to her senses, however: but my scheme +had taken wind, and it was now in vain to attempt it. We might have had +a dozen children in honest wedlock, and people would have said they were +false. + +As for raising money on annuities, I may say I had used her life +interest up. There were but few of those assurance societies in my time +which have since sprung up in the city of London; underwriters did +the business, and my wife’s life was as well known among them as, I do +believe, that of any woman in Christendom. Latterly, when I wanted to +get a sum against her life, the rascals had the impudence to say my +treatment of her did not render it worth a year’s purchase,--as if my +interest lay in killing her! Had my boy lived, it would have been a +different thing; he and his mother might have cut off the entail of a +good part of the property between them, and my affairs have been put in +better order. Now they were in a bad condition indeed. All my schemes +had turned out failures; my lands, which I had purchased with borrowed +money, made me no return, and I was obliged to pay ruinous interest for +the sums with which I had purchased them. My income, though very large, +was saddled with hundreds of annuities, and thousands of lawyers’ +charges; and I felt the net drawing closer and closer round me, and no +means to extricate myself from its toils. + +To add to all my perplexities, two years after my poor child’s death, my +wife, whose vagaries of temper and wayward follies I had borne with for +twelve years, wanted to leave me, and absolutely made attempts at what +she called escaping from my tyranny. + +My mother, who was the only person that, in my misfortunes, remained +faithful to me (indeed, she has always spoken of me in my true light, as +a martyr to the rascality of others and a victim of my own generous and +confiding temper), found out the first scheme that was going on; and +of which those artful and malicious Tiptoffs were, as usual, the main +promoters. Mrs. Barry, indeed, though her temper was violent and her +ways singular, was an invaluable person to me in my house; which would +have been at rack and ruin long before, but for her spirit of order +and management, and for her excellent economy in the government of my +numerous family. As for my Lady Lyndon, she, poor soul! was much too +fine a lady to attend to household matters--passed her days with her +doctor, or her books of piety, and never appeared among us except at my +compulsion; when she and my mother would be sure to have a quarrel. + +Mrs. Barry, on the contrary, had a talent for management in all matters. +She kept the maids stirring, and the footmen to their duty; had an eye +over the claret in the cellar, and the oats and hay in the stable; saw +to the salting and pickling, the potatoes and the turf-stacking, the +pig-killing and the poultry, the linen-room and the bakehouse, and the +ten thousand minutiae of a great establishment. If all Irish housewives +were like her, I warrant many a hall-fire would be blazing where the +cobwebs only grow now, and many a park covered with sheep and fat cattle +where the thistles are at present the chief occupiers. If anything +could have saved me from the consequences of villainy in others, and +(I confess it, for I am not above owning to my faults) my own too easy, +generous, and careless nature, it would have been the admirable prudence +of that worthy creature. She never went to bed until all the house was +quiet and all the candles out; and you may fancy that this was a matter +of some difficulty with a man of my habits, who had commonly a dozen of +jovial fellows (artful scoundrels and false friends most of them were!) +to drink with me every night, and who seldom, for my part, went to bed +sober. Many and many a night, when I was unconscious of her attention, +has that good soul pulled my boots off, and seen me laid by my servants +snug in bed, and carried off the candle herself; and been the first +in the morning, too, to bring me my drink of small-beer. Mine were no +milksop times, I can tell you. A gentleman thought no shame of taking +his half-dozen bottles; and, as for your coffee and slops, they were +left to Lady Lyndon, her doctor, and the other old women. It was my +mother’s pride that I could drink more than any man in the country,--as +much, within a pint, as my father before me, she said. + +That Lady Lyndon should detest her was quite natural. She is not the +first of woman or mankind either that has hated a mother-in-law. I set +my mother to keep a sharp watch over the freaks of her Ladyship; and +this, you may be sure, was one of the reasons why the latter disliked +her. I never minded that, however. Mrs. Barry’s assistance and +surveillance were invaluable to me; and, if I had paid twenty spies +to watch my Lady, I should not have been half so well served as by the +disinterested care and watchfulness of my excellent mother. She slept +with the house-keys under her pillow, and had an eye everywhere. She +followed all the Countess’s movements like a shadow; she managed to +know, from morning to night, everything that my Lady did. If she walked +in the garden, a watchful eye was kept on the wicket; and if she chose +to drive out, Mrs. Barry accompanied her, and a couple of fellows in my +liveries rode alongside of the carriage to see that she came to no harm. +Though she objected, and would have kept her room in sullen silence, +I made a point that we should appear together at church in the +coach-and-six every Sunday; and that she should attend the race-balls +in my company, whenever the coast was clear of the rascally bailiffs who +beset me. This gave the lie to any of those maligners who said I wished +to make a prisoner of my wife. The fact is, that, knowing her levity, +and seeing the insane dislike to me and mine which had now begun to +supersede what, perhaps, had been an equally insane fondness for me, I +was bound to be on my guard that she should not give me the slip. Had +she left me, I was ruined the next day. This (which my mother knew) +compelled us to keep a tight watch over her; but as for imprisoning her, +I repel the imputation with scorn. Every man imprisons his wife to a +certain degree; the world would be in a pretty condition if women were +allowed to quit home and return to it whenever they had a mind. In +watching over my wife, Lady Lyndon, I did no more than exercise the +legitimate authority which awards honour and obedience to every husband. + +Such, however, is female artifice, that, in spite of all my watchfulness +in guarding her, it is probable my Lady would have given me the slip, +had I not had quite as acute a person as herself as my ally: for, as +the proverb says that ‘the best way to catch one thief is to set another +after him,’ so the best way to get the better of a woman is to engage +one of her own artful sex to guard her. One would have thought that, +followed as she was, all her letters read, and all her acquaintances +strictly watched by me, living in a remote part of Ireland away from her +family, Lady Lyndon could have had no chance of communicating with +her allies, or of making her wrongs, as she was pleased to call them, +public; and yet, for a while, she carried on a correspondence under my +very nose, and acutely organised a conspiracy for flying from me; as +shall be told. + +She always had an inordinate passion for dress, and, as she was never +thwarted in any whimsey she had of this kind (for I spared no money to +gratify her, and among my debts are milliners’ bills to the amount of +many thousands), boxes used to pass continually to and fro from Dublin, +with all sorts of dresses, caps, flounces, and furbelows, as her fancy +dictated. With these would come letters from her milliner, in answer to +numerous similar injunctions from my Lady; all of which passed through +my hands, without the least suspicion, for some time. And yet in these +very papers, by the easy means of sympathetic ink, were contained all +her Ladyship’s correspondence; and Heaven knows (for it was some time, +as I have said, before I discovered the trick) what charges against me. + +But clever Mrs. Barry found out that always before my lady-wife chose to +write letters to her milliner, she had need of lemons to make her drink, +as she said; this fact, being mentioned to me, set me a-thinking, and +so I tried one of the letters before the fire, and the whole scheme +of villainy was brought to light. I will give a specimen of one of the +horrid artful letters of this unhappy woman. In a great hand, with wide +lines, were written a set of directions to her mantua-maker, setting +forth the articles of dress for which my Lady had need, the peculiarity +of their make, the stuff she selected, &c. She would make out long lists +in this way, writing each article in a separate line, so as to have more +space for detailing all my cruelties and her tremendous wrongs. Between +these lines she kept the journal of her captivity: it would have made +the fortune of a romance-writer in those days but to have got a copy of +it, and to have published it under the title of the ‘Lovely Prisoner, +or the Savage Husband,’ or by some name equally taking and absurd. The +journal would be as follows:-- + +***** + +‘MONDAY.--Yesterday I was made to go to church. My odious, MONSTROUS, +VULGAR SHE-DRAGON OF A MOTHER-IN-LAW, in a yellow satin and red ribands, +taking the first place in the coach; Mr. L. riding by its side, on the +horse he never paid for to Captain Hurdlestone. The wicked hypocrite led +me to the pew, with hat in hand and a smiling countenance, and kissed +my hand as I entered the coach after service, and patted my Italian +greyhound--all that the few people collected might see. He made me +come downstairs in the evening to make tea for his company; of whom +three-fourths, he himself included, were, as usual, drunk. They painted +the parson’s face black, when his reverence had arrived at his seventh +bottle; and at his usual insensible stage, they tied him on the grey +mare with his face to the tail. The she-dragon read the “Whole Duty of +Man” all the evening till bedtime; when she saw me to my apartments, +locked me in, and proceeded to wait upon her abominable son: whom she +adores for his wickedness, I should think, AS STYCORAX DID CALIBAN.’ + +***** + +You should have seen my mother’s fury as I read her out this passage! +Indeed, I have always had a taste for a joke (that practised on the +parson, as described above, is, I confess, a true bill), and used +carefully to select for Mrs. Barry’s hearing all the COMPLIMENTS that +Lady Lyndon passed upon her. The dragon was the name by which she was +known in this precious correspondence: or sometimes she was designated +by the title of the ‘Irish Witch.’ As for me, I was denominated ‘my +gaoler,’ ‘my tyrant,’ ‘the dark spirit which has obtained the mastery +over my being,’ and so on; in terms always complimentary to my power, +however little they might be so to my amiability. Here is another +extract from her ‘Prison Diary,’ by which it will be seen that my Lady, +although she pretended to be so indifferent to my goings on, had a sharp +woman’s eye, and could be as jealous as another:-- + +***** + +‘WEDNESDAY.--This day two years my last hope and pleasure in life was +taken from me, and my dear child was called to heaven. Has he joined his +neglected brother there, whom I suffered to grow up unheeded by my side: +and whom the tyranny of the monster to whom I am united drove to exile, +and perhaps to death? Or is the child alive, as my fond heart sometimes +deems? Charles Bullingdon! come to the aid of a wretched mother, who +acknowledges her crimes, her coldness towards thee, and now bitterly +pays for her error! But no, he cannot live! I am distracted! My only +hope is in you, my cousin--you whom I had once thought to salute by a +STILL FONDER TITLE, my dear George Poynings! Oh, be my knight and my +preserver, the true chivalric being thou ever wert, and rescue me from +the thrall of the felon caitiff who holds me captive--rescue me from +him, and from Stycorax, the vile Irish witch, his mother!’ + +(Here follow some verses, such as her Ladyship was in the habit of +composing by reams, in which she compares herself to Sabra, in the +‘Seven Champions,’ and beseeches her George to rescue her from THE +DRAGON, meaning Mrs. Barry. I omit the lines, and proceed:)-- + +‘Even my poor child, who perished untimely on this sad anniversary, the +tyrant who governs me had taught to despise and dislike me. ‘Twas +in disobedience to my orders, my prayers, that he went on the fatal +journey. What sufferings, what humiliations have I had to endure since +then! I am a prisoner in my own halls. I should fear poison, but that I +know the wretch has a sordid interest in keeping me alive, and that my +death would be the signal for his ruin. But I dare not stir without my +odious, hideous, vulgar gaoler, the horrid Irishwoman, who pursues my +every step. I am locked into my chamber at night, like a felon, and +only suffered to leave it when ORDERED into the presence of my lord (_I_ +ordered!), to be present at his orgies with his boon companions, and +to hear his odious converse as he lapses into the disgusting madness of +intoxication! He has given up even the semblance of constancy--he, who +swore that I alone could attach or charm him! And now he brings +his vulgar mistresses before my very eyes, and would have had me +acknowledge, as heir to my own property, his child by another! + +‘No, I never will submit! Thou, and thou only, my George, my early +friend, shalt be heir to the estates of Lyndon. Why did not Fate join me +to thee, instead of to the odious man who holds me under his sway, and +make the poor Calista happy?’ + +***** + +So the letters would run on for sheets upon sheets, in the closest +cramped handwriting; and I leave any unprejudiced reader to say whether +the writer of such documents must not have been as silly and vain a +creature as ever lived, and whether she did not want being taken care +of? I could copy out yards of rhapsody to Lord George Poynings, her old +flame, in which she addressed him by the most affectionate names, and +implored him to find a refuge for her against her oppressors; but they +would fatigue the reader to peruse, as they would me to copy. The fact +is, that this unlucky lady had the knack of writing a great deal more +than she meant. She was always reading novels and trash; putting +herself into imaginary characters and flying off into heroics and +sentimentalities with as little heart as any woman I ever knew; yet +showing the most violent disposition to be in love. She wrote always as +if she was in a flame of passion. I have an elegy on her lap-dog, the +most tender and pathetic piece she ever wrote; and most tender notes +of remonstrance to Betty, her favourite maid; to her housekeeper, on +quarrelling with her; to half-a-dozen acquaintances, each of whom she +addressed as the dearest friend in the world, and forgot the very moment +she took up another fancy. As for her love for her children, the above +passage will show how much she was capable of true maternal feeling: +the very sentence in which she records the death of one child serves +to betray her egotisms, and to wreak her spleen against myself; and she +only wishes to recall another from the grave, in order that he may be of +some personal advantage to her. If I DID deal severely with this woman, +keeping her from her flatterers who would have bred discord between us, +and locking her up out of mischief, who shall say that I was wrong? If +any woman deserved a strait-waistcoat,--it was my Lady Lyndon; and I +have known people in my time manacled, and with their heads shaved, in +the straw, who had not committed half the follies of that foolish, vain, +infatuated creature. + +My mother was so enraged by the charges against me and herself which +these letters contained, that it was with the utmost difficulty I could +keep her from discovering our knowledge of them to Lady Lyndon; whom it +was, of course, my object to keep in ignorance of our knowledge of her +designs: for I was anxious to know how far they went, and to what pitch +of artifice she would go. The letters increased in interest (as they say +of the novels) as they proceeded. Pictures were drawn of my treatment +of her which would make your heart throb. I don’t know of what +monstrosities she did not accuse me, and what miseries and starvation +she did not profess herself to undergo; all the while she was living +exceedingly fat and contented, to outward appearances, at our house at +Castle Lyndon. Novel-reading and vanity had turned her brain. I could +not say a rough word to her (and she merited many thousands a day, I +can tell you), but she declared I was putting her to the torture; and +my mother could not remonstrate with her but she went off into a fit of +hysterics, of which she would declare the worthy old lady was the cause. + +At last she began to threaten to kill herself; and though I by no means +kept the cutlery out of the way, did not stint her in garters, and left +her doctor’s shop at her entire service,--knowing her character full +well, and that there was no woman in Christendom less likely to lay +hands on her precious life than herself; yet these threats had an +effect, evidently, in the quarter to which they were addressed; for the +milliner’s packets now began to arrive with great frequency, and the +bills sent to her contained assurances of coming aid. The chivalrous +Lord George Poynings was coming to his cousin’s rescue, and did me +the compliment to say that he hoped to free his dear cousin from the +clutches of the most atrocious villain that ever disgraced humanity; and +that, when she was free, measures should be taken for a divorce, on the +ground of cruelty and every species of ill-usage on my part. + +I had copies of all these precious documents on one side and the other +carefully made, by my beforementioned relative, godson, and secretary, +Mr. Redmond Quin at present the WORTHY agent of the Castle Lyndon +property. This was a son of my old flame Nora, whom I had taken from her +in a fit of generosity; promising to care for his education at Trinity +College, and provide for him through life. But after the lad had been +for a year at the University, the tutors would not admit him to commons +or lectures until his college bills were paid; and, offended by this +insolent manner of demanding the paltry sum due, I withdrew my patronage +from the place, and ordered my gentleman to Castle Lyndon; where I made +him useful to me in a hundred ways. In my dear little boy’s lifetime, +he tutored the poor child as far as his high spirit would let him; but +I promise you it was small trouble poor dear Bryan ever gave the +books. Then he kept Mrs. Barry’s accounts; copied my own interminable +correspondence with my lawyers and the agents of all my various +property; took a hand at piquet or backgammon of evenings with me and +my mother; or, being an ingenious lad enough (though of a mean boorish +spirit, as became the son of such a father), accompanied my Lady +Lyndon’s spinet with his flageolet; or read French and Italian with her: +in both of which languages her Ladyship was a fine scholar, and with +which he also became conversant. It would make my watchful old mother +very angry to hear them conversing in these languages; for, not +understanding a word of either of them, Mrs. Barry was furious when they +were spoken, and always said it was some scheming they were after. It +was Lady Lyndon’s constant way of annoying the old lady, when the three +were alone together, to address Quin in one or other of these tongues. + +I was perfectly at ease with regard to his fidelity, for I had bred the +lad, and loaded him with benefits; and, besides, had had various proofs +of his trustworthiness. He it was who brought me three of Lord George’s +letters, in reply to some of my Lady’s complaints; which were concealed +between the leather and the boards of a book which was sent from the +circulating library for her Ladyship’s perusal. He and my Lady too had +frequent quarrels. She mimicked his gait in her pleasanter moments; +in her haughty moods, she would not sit down to table with a tailor’s +grandson. ‘Send me anything for company but that odious Quin,’ she would +say, when I proposed that he should go and amuse her with his books and +his flute; for, quarrelsome as we were, it must not be supposed we were +always at it: I was occasionally attentive to her. We would be friends +for a month together, sometimes; then we would quarrel for a fortnight; +then she would keep her apartments for a month: all of which domestic +circumstances were noted down, in her Ladyship’s peculiar way, in her +journal of captivity, as she called it; and a pretty document it is! +Sometimes she writes, ‘My monster has been almost kind to-day;’ or, ‘My +ruffian has deigned to smile.’ Then she will break out into expressions +of savage hate; but for my poor mother it was ALWAYS hatred. It was, +‘The she-dragon is sick to-day; I wish to Heaven she would die!’ or, +‘The hideous old Irish basketwoman has been treating me to some of her +Billingsgate to-day,’ and so forth: all which expressions, read to Mrs. +Barry, or translated from the French and Italian, in which many of them +were written, did not fail to keep the old lady in a perpetual fury +against her charge: and so I had my watch-dog, as I called her, always +on the alert. In translating these languages, young Quin was of great +service to me; for I had a smattering of French--and High Dutch, when I +was in the army, of course, I knew well--but Italian I knew nothing of, +and was glad of the services of so faithful and cheap an interpreter. + +This cheap and faithful interpreter, this godson and kinsman, on whom +and on whose family I had piled up benefits, was actually trying to +betray me; and for several months, at least, was in league with the +enemy against me. I believe that the reason why they did not move +earlier was the want of the great mover of all treasons--money: of +which, in all parts of my establishment, there was a woful scarcity; but +of this they also managed to get a supply through my rascal of a godson, +who could come and go quite unsuspected: the whole scheme was arranged +under our very noses, and the post-chaise ordered, and the means of +escape actually got ready; while I never suspected their design. + +A mere accident made me acquainted with their plan. One of my colliers +had a pretty daughter; and this pretty lass had for her bachelor, as +they call them in Ireland, a certain lad, who brought the letter-bag +for Castle Lyndon (and many a dunning letter for me was there in it, God +wot!): this letter-boy told his sweetheart how he brought a bag of money +from the town for Master Quin; and how that Tim the post-boy had told +him that he was to bring a chaise down to the water at a certain hour. +Miss Rooney, who had no secrets from me, blurted out the whole story; +asked me what scheming I was after, and what poor unlucky girl I was +going to carry away with the chaise I had ordered, and bribe with the +money I had got from town? + +Then the whole secret flashed upon me, that the man I had cherished in +my bosom was going to betray me. I thought at one time of catching the +couple in the act of escape, half drowning them in the ferry which they +had to cross to get to their chaise, and of pistolling the young traitor +before Lady Lyndon’s eyes; but, on second thoughts, it was quite clear +that the news of the escape would make a noise through the country, and +rouse the confounded justice’s people about my ears, and bring me no +good in the end. So I was obliged to smother my just indignation, and +to content myself by crushing the foul conspiracy, just at the moment it +was about to be hatched. + +I went home, and in half-an-hour, and with a few of my terrible looks, I +had Lady Lyndon on her knees, begging me to forgive her; confessing +all and everything; ready to vow and swear she would never make such an +attempt again; and declaring that she was fifty times on the point of +owning everything to me, but that she feared my wrath against the poor +young lad her accomplice: who was indeed the author and inventor of +all the mischief. This--though I knew how entirely false the statement +was--I was fain to pretend to believe; so I begged her to write to her +cousin, Lord George, who had supplied her with money, as she admitted, +and with whom the plan had been arranged, stating, briefly, that she had +altered her mind as to the trip to the country proposed; and that, as +her dear husband was rather in delicate health, she preferred to stay at +home and nurse him. I added a dry postscript, in which I stated that it +would give me great pleasure if his Lordship would come and visit us +at Castle Lyndon, and that I longed to renew an acquaintance which in +former times gave me so much satisfaction. ‘I should seek him out,’ +I added, ‘so soon as ever I was in his neighbourhood, and eagerly +anticipated the pleasure of a meeting with him.’ I think he must have +understood my meaning perfectly well; which was, that I would run him +through the body on the very first occasion I could come at him. + +Then I had a scene with my perfidious rascal of a nephew; in which the +young reprobate showed an audacity and a spirit for which I was quite +unprepared. When I taxed him with ingratitude, ‘What do I owe you?’ said +he. ‘I have toiled for you as no man ever did for another, and worked +without a penny of wages. It was you yourself who set me against you, +by giving me a task against which my soul revolted,--by making me a spy +over your unfortunate wife, whose weakness is as pitiable as are her +misfortunes and your rascally treatment of her. Flesh and blood could +not bear to see the manner in which you used her. I tried to help her +to escape from you; and I would do it again, if the opportunity offered, +and so I tell you to your teeth!’ When I offered to blow his brains out +for his insolence, ‘Pooh!’ said he,--‘kill the man who saved your poor +boy’s life once, and who was endeavouring to keep him out of the +ruin and perdition into which a wicked father was leading him, when a +Merciful Power interposed, and withdrew him from this house of crime? I +would have left you months ago, but I hoped for some chance of rescuing +this unhappy lady. I swore I would try, the day I saw you strike her. +Kill me, you woman’s bully! You would if you dared; but you have not the +heart. Your very servants like me better than you. Touch me, and they +will rise and send you to the gallows you merit!’ + +I interrupted this neat speech by sending a water-bottle at the young +gentleman’s head, which felled him to the ground; and then I went to +meditate upon what he had said to me. It was true the fellow had saved +poor little Bryan’s life, and the boy to his dying day was tenderly +attached to him. ‘Be good to Redmond, papa,’ were almost the last words +he spoke; and I promised the poor child, on his death-bed, that I would +do as he asked. It was also true, that rough usage of him would be +little liked by my people, with whom he had managed to become a great +favourite: for, somehow, though I got drunk with the rascals often, and +was much more familiar with them than a man of my rank commonly is, +yet I knew I was by no means liked by them; and the scoundrels were +murmuring against me perpetually. + +But I might have spared myself the trouble of debating what his fate +should be, for the young gentleman took the disposal of it out of my +hands in the simplest way in the world: viz. by washing and binding up +his head so soon as he came to himself: by taking his horse from the +stables; and, as he was quite free to go in and out of the house and +park as he liked, he disappeared without the least let or hindrance; +and leaving the horse behind him at the ferry, went off in the very +post-chaise which was waiting for Lady Lyndon. I saw and heard no more +of him for a considerable time; and now that he was out of the house, +did not consider him a very troublesome enemy. + +But the cunning artifice of woman is such that, I think, in the long +run, no man, were he Machiavel himself, could escape from it; and +though I had ample proofs in the above transaction (in which my wife’s +perfidious designs were frustrated by my foresight), and under her own +handwriting, of the deceitfulness of her character and her hatred +for me, yet she actually managed to deceive me, in spite of all my +precautions and the vigilance of my mother in my behalf. Had I followed +that good lady’s advice, who scented the danger from afar off, as it +were, I should never have fallen into the snare prepared for me; and +which was laid in a way that was as successful as it was simple. + +My Lady Lyndon’s relation with me was a singular one. Her life was +passed in a crack-brained sort of alternation between love and hatred +for me. If I was in a good-humour with her (as occurred sometimes) there +was nothing she would not do to propitiate me further; and she would +be as absurd and violent in her expressions of fondness as, at other +moments, she would be in her demonstrations of hatred. It is not your +feeble easy husbands who are loved best in the world; according to my +experience of it. I do think the women like a little violence of temper, +and think no worse of a husband who exercises his authority pretty +smartly. I had got my Lady into such a terror about me, that when I +smiled, it was quite an era of happiness to her; and if I beckoned to +her, she would come fawning up to me like a dog. I recollect how, for +the few days I was at school, the cowardly mean-spirited fellows would +laugh if ever our schoolmaster made a joke. It was the same in +the regiment whenever the bully of a sergeant was disposed to be +jocular--not a recruit but was on the broad grin. Well, a wise and +determined husband will get his wife into this condition of discipline; +and I brought my high-born wife to kiss my hand, to pull off my boots, +to fetch and carry for me like a servant, and always to make it a +holiday, too, when I was in good-humour. I confided perhaps too much +in the duration of this disciplined obedience, and forgot that the very +hypocrisy which forms a part of it (all timid people are liars in their +hearts) may be exerted in a way that may be far from agreeable, in order +to deceive you. + +After the ill-success of her last adventure, which gave me endless +opportunities to banter her, one would have thought I might have been on +my guard as to what her real intentions were; but she managed to mislead +me with an art of dissimulation quite admirable, and lulled me into a +fatal security with regard to her intentions: for, one day, as I was +joking her, and asking her whether she would take the water again, +whether she had found another lover, and so forth, she suddenly burst +into tears, and, seizing hold of my hand, cried passionately out,-- + +‘Ah, Barry, you know well enough that I have never loved but you! Was I +ever so wretched that a kind word from you did not make me happy! ever +so angry, but the least offer of goodwill on your part did not bring me +to your side? Did I not give a sufficient proof of my affection for +you, in bestowing one of the first fortunes in England upon you? Have I +repined or rebuked you for the way you have wasted it? No, I loved you +too much and too fondly; I have always loved you. From the first moment +I saw you, I felt irresistibly attracted towards you. I saw your bad +qualities, and trembled at your violence; but I could not help loving +you. I married you, though I knew I was sealing my own fate in doing so; +and in spite of reason and duty. What sacrifice do you want from me? I +am ready to make any, so you will but love me; or, if not, that at least +you will gently use me.’ + +I was in a particularly good humour that day, and we had a sort of +reconciliation: though my mother, when she heard the speech, and saw me +softening towards her Ladyship, warned me solemnly, and said, ‘Depend +on it, the artful hussy has some other scheme in her head now.’ The old +lady was right; and I swallowed the bait which her Ladyship had prepared +to entrap me as simply as any gudgeon takes a hook. + +I had been trying to negotiate with a man for some money, for which I +had pressing occasion; but since our dispute regarding the affair of +the succession, my Lady had resolutely refused to sign any papers for my +advantage: and without her name, I am sorry to say, my own was of little +value in the market, and I could not get a guinea from any money-dealer +in London or Dublin. Nor could I get the rascals from the latter place +to visit me at Castle Lyndon: owing to that unlucky affair I had with +Lawyer Sharp when I made him lend me the money he brought down, and +old Salmon the Jew being robbed of the bond I gave him after leaving my +house, [Footnote: These exploits of Mr. Lyndon are not related in the +narrative. He probably, in the cases above alluded to, took the law into +his own hands.] the people would not trust themselves within my walls +any more. Our rents, too, were in the hands of receivers by this time, +and it was as much as I could do to get enough money from the rascals to +pay my wine-merchants their bills. Our English property, as I have +said, was equally hampered; and, as often as I applied to my lawyers and +agents for money, would come a reply demanding money of me, for debts +and pretended claims which the rapacious rascals said they had on me. + +It was, then, with some feelings of pleasure that I got a letter from +my confidential man in Gray’s Inn, London, saying (in reply to some +ninety-ninth demand of mine) that he thought he could get me some money; +and inclosing a letter from a respectable firm in the city of London, +connected with the mining interest, which offered to redeem the +incumbrance in taking a long lease of certain property of ours, which +was still pretty free, upon the Countess’s signature; and provided they +could be assured of her free will in giving it. They said they heard +she lived in terror of her life from me, and meditated a separation, in +which case she might repudiate any deeds signed by her while in durance, +and subject them, at any rate, to a doubtful and expensive litigation; +and demanded to be made assured of her Ladyship’s perfect free will in +the transaction before they advanced a shilling of their capital. + +Their terms were so exorbitant, that I saw at once their offer must be +sincere; and, as my Lady was in her gracious mood, had no difficulty in +persuading her to write a letter, in her own hand, declaring that the +accounts of our misunderstandings were utter calumnies; that we lived +in perfect union, and that she was quite ready to execute any deed which +her husband might desire her to sign. + +This proposal was a very timely one, and filled me with great hopes. +I have not pestered my readers with many accounts of my debts and law +affairs; which were by this time so vast and complicated that I never +thoroughly knew them myself, and was rendered half wild by their +urgency. Suffice it to say, my money was gone--my credit was done. I was +living at Castle Lyndon off my own beef and mutton, and the bread, turf, +and potatoes off my own estate: I had to watch Lady Lyndon within, and +the bailiffs without. For the last two years, since I went to Dublin +to receive money (which I unluckily lost at play there, to the +disappointment of my creditors), I did not venture to show in that city: +and could only appear at our own county town at rare intervals, and +because I knew the sheriffs: whom I swore I would murder if any ill +chance happened to me. A chance of a good loan, then, was the most +welcome prospect possible to me, and I hailed it with all the eagerness +imaginable. + +In reply to Lady Lyndon’s letter, came, in course of time, an answer +from the confounded London merchants, stating that if her Ladyship +would confirm by word of mouth, at their counting-house in Birchin Lane, +London, the statement of her letter, they, having surveyed her property, +would no doubt come to terms; but they declined incurring the risk of +a visit to Castle Lyndon to negotiate, as they were aware how other +respectable parties, such as Messrs. Sharp and Salmon of Dublin, +had been treated there. This was a hit at me; but there are certain +situations in which people can’t dictate their own terms: and, ‘faith, +I was so pressed now for money, that I could have signed a bond with Old +Nick himself, if he had come provided with a good round sum. + +I resolved to go and take the Countess to London. It was in vain that +my mother prayed and warned me. ‘Depend on it,’ says she, ‘there is some +artifice. When once you get into that wicked town, you are not safe. +Here you may live for years and years, in luxury and splendour, barring +claret and all the windows broken; but as soon as they have you in +London, they’ll get the better of my poor innocent lad; and the first +thing I shall hear of you will be, that you are in trouble.’ + +‘Why go, Redmond?’ said my wife. ‘I am happy here, as long as you are +kind to me, as you are now. We can’t appear in London as we ought; the +little money you will get will be spent, like all the rest has been. +Let us turn shepherd and shepherdess, and look to our flocks and be +content.’ And she took my hand and kissed it; while my mother only said, +‘Humph! I believe she’s at the bottom of it--the wicked SCHAMER!’ + +I told my wife she was a fool; bade Mrs. Barry not be uneasy, and was +hot upon going: I would take no denial from either party. How I was to +get the money to go was the question; but that was solved by my good +mother, who was always ready to help me on a pinch, and who produced +sixty guineas from a stocking. This was all the ready money that Barry +Lyndon, of Castle Lyndon, and married to a fortune of forty thousand a +year, could command: such had been the havoc made in this fine fortune +by my own extravagance (as I must confess), but chiefly by my misplaced +confidence and the rascality of others. + +We did not start in state, you may be sure. We did not let the country +know we were going, or leave notice of adieu with our neighbours. The +famous Mr. Barry Lyndon and his noble wife travelled in a hack-chaise +and pair to Waterford, under the name of Mr. and Mrs. Jones, and thence +took shipping for Bristol, where we arrived quite without accident. When +a man is going to the deuce, how easy and pleasant the journey is! The +thought of the money quite put me in a good humour, and my wife, as she +lay on my shoulder in the post-chaise going to London, said it was the +happiest ride she had taken since our marriage. + +One night we stayed at Reading, whence I despatched a note to my agent +at Gray’s Inn, saying I would be with him during the day, and begging +him to procure me a lodging, and to hasten the preparations for the +loan. My Lady and I agreed that we would go to France, and wait there +for better times; and that night, over our supper, formed a score of +plans both for pleasure and retrenchment. You would have thought it +was Darby and Joan together over their supper. O woman! woman! when I +recollect Lady Lyndon’s smiles and blandishments--how happy she seemed +to be on that night! what an air of innocent confidence appeared in +her behaviour, and what affectionate names she called me!--I am lost +in wonder at the depth of her hypocrisy. Who can be surprised that an +unsuspecting person like myself should have been a victim to such a +consummate deceiver! + +We were in London at three o’clock, and half-an-hour before the time +appointed our chaise drove to Gray’s Inn. I easily found out Mr. +Tapewell’s apartments--a gloomy den it was, and in an unlucky hour I +entered it! As we went up the dirty back-stair, lighted by a feeble lamp +and the dim sky of a dismal London afternoon, my wife seemed agitated +and faint. + +‘Redmond,’ said she, as we got up to the door, ‘don’t go in: I am +sure there is danger. There’s time yet; let us go back--to +Ireland--anywhere!’ And she put herself before the door, in one of her +theatrical attitudes, and took my hand. + +I just pushed her away to one side. ‘Lady Lyndon,’ said I, ‘you are an +old fool!’ + +‘Old fool!’ said she; and she jumped at the bell, which was quickly +answered by a mouldy-looking gentleman in an unpowdered wig, to whom she +cried, ‘Say Lady Lyndon is here;’ and stalked down the passage muttering +‘Old fool.’ It was ‘OLD’ which was the epithet that touched her. I might +call her anything but that. + +Mr. Tapewell was in his musty room, surrounded by his parchments and tin +boxes. He advanced and bowed; begged her Ladyship to be seated; pointed +towards a chair for me, which I took, rather wondering at his insolence; +and then retreated to a side-door, saying he would be back in one +moment. + +And back he DID come in one moment, bringing with him--whom do you +think? Another lawyer, six constables in red waistcoats with bludgeons +and pistols, my Lord George Poynings, and his aunt Lady Jane Peckover. + +When my Lady Lyndon saw her old flame, she flung herself into his arms +in an hysterical passion. She called him her saviour, her preserver, +her gallant knight; and then, turning round to me, poured out a flood of +invective which quite astonished me. + +‘Old fool as I am,’ said she, ‘I have outwitted the most crafty and +treacherous monster under the sun. Yes, I WAS a fool when I married you, +and gave up other and nobler hearts for your sake--yes, I was a fool +when I forgot my name and lineage to unite myself with a base-born +adventurer--a fool to bear, without repining, the most monstrous tyranny +that ever woman suffered; to allow my property to be squandered; to see +women, as base and low-born as yourself’-- + +‘For Heaven’s sake, be calm!’ cries the lawyer; and then bounded back +behind the constables, seeing a threatening look in my eye which the +rascal did not like. Indeed. I could have torn him to pieces, had he +come near me. Meanwhile, my Lady continued in a strain of incoherent +fury; screaming against me, and against my mother especially, upon whom +she heaped abuse worthy of Billingsgate, and always beginning and ending +the sentence with the word fool. + +‘You don’t tell all, my Lady,’ says I bitterly; ‘I said OLD fool.’ + +‘I have no doubt you said and did, sir, everything that a blackguard +could say or do,’ interposed little Poynings. ‘This lady is now safe +under the protection of her relations and the law, and need fear your +infamous persecutions no longer.’ + +‘But YOU are not safe,’ roared I; ‘and, as sure as I am a man of honour, +and have tasted your blood once, I will have your heart’s blood now.’ + +‘Take down his words, constables: swear the peace against him!’ screamed +the little lawyer, from behind his tipstaffs. + +‘I would not sully my sword with the blood of such a ruffian,’ cried my +Lord, relying on the same doughty protection. ‘If the scoundrel remains +in London another day, he will be seized as a common swindler.’ And this +threat indeed made me wince; for I knew that there were scores of writs +out against me in town, and that once in prison my case was hopeless. + +‘Where’s the man will seize me!’ shouted I, drawing my sword, and +placing my back to the door. ‘Let the scoundrel come. You--you cowardly +braggart, come first, if you have the soul of a man!’ + +‘We’re not going to seize you!’ said the lawyer; my Ladyship, her aunt, +and a division of the bailiffs moving off as he spoke. ‘My dear sir, we +don’t wish to seize you: we will give you a handsome sum to leave the +country; only leave her Ladyship in peace!’ + +‘And the country will be well rid of such a villain!’ says my Lord, +retreating too, and not sorry to get out of my reach: and the scoundrel +of a lawyer followed him, leaving me in possession of the apartment, and +in company of the bullies from the police-office, who were all armed to +the teeth. I was no longer the man I was at twenty, when I should have +charged the ruffians sword in hand, and have sent at least one of them +to his account. I was broken in spirit; regularly caught in the toils: +utterly baffled and beaten by that woman. Was she relenting at the door, +when she paused and begged me turn back? Had she not a lingering love +for me still? Her conduct showed it, as I came to reflect on it. It was +my only chance now left in the world, so I put down my sword upon the +lawyer’s desk. + +‘Gentlemen,’ said I, ‘I shall use no violence; you may tell Mr. Tapewell +I am quite ready to speak with him when he is at leisure!’ and I sat +down and folded my arms quite peaceably. What a change from the Barry +Lyndon of old days! but, as I have read in an old book about Hannibal +the Carthaginian general, when he invaded the Romans, his troops, which +were the most gallant in the world, and carried all before them, went +into cantonments in some city where they were so sated with the +luxuries and pleasures of life, that they were easily beaten in the next +campaign. It was so with me now. My strength of mind and body were no +longer those of the brave youth who shot his man at fifteen, and fought +a score of battles within six years afterwards. Now, in the Fleet +Prison, where I write this, there is a small man who is always jeering +me and making game of me; who asks me to fight, and I haven’t the +courage to touch him. But I am anticipating the gloomy and wretched +events of my history of humiliation, and had better proceed in order. + +I took a lodging in a coffee-house near Gray’s Inn; taking care to +inform Mr. Tapewell of my whereabouts, and anxiously expecting a visit +from him. He came and brought me the terms which Lady Lyndon’s friends +proposed-a paltry annuity of L300 a year; to be paid on the condition of +my remaining abroad out of the three kingdoms, and to be stopped on the +instant of my return. He told me what I very well knew, that my stay +in London would infallibly plunge me in gaol; that there were writs +innumerable taken out against me here, and in the West of England; that +my credit was so blown upon that I could not hope to raise a shilling; +and he left me a night to consider of his proposal; saying that, if I +refused it, the family would proceed: if I acceded, a quarter’s salary +should be paid to me at any foreign port I should prefer. + +What was the poor, lonely, and broken-hearted man to do? I took the +annuity, and was declared outlaw in the course of next week. The rascal +Quin had, I found, been, after all, the cause of my undoing. It was he +devised the scheme for bringing me up to London; sealing the attorney’s +letter with a seal which had been agreed upon between him and the +Countess formerly: indeed he had always been for trying the plan, and +had proposed it at first; but her Ladyship, with her inordinate love of +romance, preferred the project of elopement. Of these points my mother +wrote me word in my lonely exile, offering at the same time to come over +and share it with me; which proposal I declined. She left Castle Lyndon +a very short time after I had quitted it; and there was silence in that +hall where, under my authority, had been exhibited so much hospitality +and splendour. She thought she would never see me again, and bitterly +reproached me for neglecting her; but she was mistaken in that, and in +her estimate of me. She is very old, and is sitting by my side at this +moment in the prison, working: she has a bedroom in Fleet Market over +the way; and, with the fifty-pound annuity, which she has kept with +a wise prudence, we manage to eke out a miserable existence, quite +unworthy of the famous and fashionable Barry Lyndon. + + Mr. Barry Lyndon’s personal narrative finishes here, for the hand +of death interrupted the ingenious author soon after the period at which +the Memoir was compiled; after he had lived nineteen years an inmate +of the Fleet Prison, where the prison records state he died of delirium +tremens. His mother attained a prodigious old age, and the inhabitants +of the place in her time can record with accuracy the daily disputes +which used to take place between mother and son; until the latter, from +habits of intoxication, falling into a state of almost imbecility, +was tended by his tough old parent as a baby almost, and would cry if +deprived of his necessary glass of brandy. + +His life on the Continent we have not the means of following accurately; +but he appears to have resumed his former profession of a gambler, +without his former success. + +He returned secretly to England, after some time, and made an abortive +attempt to extort money from Lord George Poynings, under a threat of +publishing his correspondence with Lady Lyndon, and so preventing +his Lordship’s match with Miss Driver, a great heiress, of strict +principles, and immense property in slaves in the West Indies. +Barry narrowly escaped being taken prisoner by the bailiffs who were +despatched after him by his lordship, who would have stopped his +pension; but Lady Lyndon would never consent to that act of justice, +and, indeed, broke with my Lord George the very moment he married the +West India lady. + +The fact is, the old Countess thought her charms were perennial, and was +never out of love with her husband. She was living at Bath; her property +being carefully nursed by her noble relatives the Tiptoffs, who were to +succeed to it in default of direct heirs: and such was the address of +Barry, and the sway he still held over the woman, that he actually had +almost persuaded her to go and live with him again; when his plan and +hers was interrupted by the appearance of a person who had been deemed +dead for several years. + +This was no other than Viscount Bullingdon, who started up to the +surprise of all; and especially to that of his kinsman of the house +of Tiptoff. This young nobleman made his appearance at Bath, with +the letter from Barry to Lord George in his hand; in which the former +threatened to expose his connection with Lady Lyndon--a connection, +we need not state, which did not reflect the slightest dishonour upon +either party, and only showed that her Ladyship was in the habit of +writing exceedingly foolish letters; as many ladies, nay gentlemen, have +done ere this. For calling the honour of his mother in question, Lord +Bullingdon assaulted his stepfather (living at Bath under the name of +Mr. Jones), and administered to him a tremendous castigation in the +Pump-Room. + +His Lordship’s history, since his departure, was a romantic one, which +we do not feel bound to narrate. He had been wounded in the American +War, reported dead, left prisoner, and escaped. The remittances which +were promised him were never sent; the thought of the neglect almost +broke the heart of the wild and romantic young man, and he determined to +remain dead to the world at least, and to the mother who had denied +him. It was in the woods of Canada, and three years after the event had +occurred, that he saw the death of his half-brother chronicled in +the Gentleman’s Magazine, under the title of ‘Fatal Accident to Lord +Viscount Castle Lyndon;’ on which he determined to return to England: +where, though he made himself known, it was with very great difficulty +indeed that he satisfied Lord Tiptoff of the authenticity of his +claim. He was about to pay a visit to his lady mother at Bath, when +he recognised the well-known face of Mr. Barry Lyndon, in spite of the +modest disguise which that gentleman wore, and revenged upon his person +the insults of former days. + +Lady Lyndon was furious when she heard of the rencounter; declined +to see her son, and was for rushing at once to the arms of her adored +Barry; but that gentleman had been carried off, meanwhile, from gaol to +gaol, until he was lodged in the hands of Mr. Bendigo, of Chancery Lane, +an assistant to the Sheriff of Middlesex; from whose house he went to +the Fleet Prison. The Sheriff and his assistant, the prisoner, nay, the +prison itself, are now no more. + +As long as Lady Lyndon lived, Barry enjoyed his income, and was perhaps +as happy in prison as at any period of his existence; when her Ladyship +died, her successor sternly cut off the annuity, devoting the sum +to charities: which, he said, would make a nobler use of it than the +scoundrel who had enjoyed it hitherto. At his Lordship’s death, in the +Spanish campaign, in the year 1811, his estate fell in to the family of +the Tiptoffs, and his title merged in their superior rank; but it does +not appear that the Marquis of Tiptoff (Lord George succeeded to the +title on the demise of his brother) renewed either the pension of Mr. +Barry or the charities which the late lord had endowed. The estate has +vastly improved under his Lordship’s careful management. The trees in +Hackton Park are all about forty years old, and the Irish property is +rented in exceedingly small farms to the peasantry; who still entertain +the stranger with stories of the daring and the devilry, and the +wickedness and the fall of Barry Lyndon. + +THE END + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg’s Barry Lyndon, by William Makepeace Thackeray + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BARRY LYNDON *** + +***** This file should be named 4558-0.txt or 4558-0.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/4/5/5/4558/ + +Produced by Steve Harris, Charles Franks and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase “Project +Gutenberg”), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +http://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. “Project Gutenberg” is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation (“the Foundation” + or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase “Project Gutenberg” appears, or with which the phrase “Project +Gutenberg” is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase “Project Gutenberg” associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +“Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original “Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, “Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.” + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +“Defects,” such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the “Right +of Replacement or Refund” described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you ‘AS-IS’ WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm’s +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation’s EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +http://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state’s laws. + +The Foundation’s principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation’s web site and official +page at http://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit http://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/old/old-2024-12-10/4558-0.zip b/old/old-2024-12-10/4558-0.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6a91b70 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/old-2024-12-10/4558-0.zip diff --git a/old/old-2024-12-10/4558-h.zip b/old/old-2024-12-10/4558-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..817bb26 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/old-2024-12-10/4558-h.zip diff --git a/old/old-2024-12-10/4558-h/4558-h.htm b/old/old-2024-12-10/4558-h/4558-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0a32e4a --- /dev/null +++ b/old/old-2024-12-10/4558-h/4558-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,13206 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=UTF-8" /> + <title> + Barry Lyndon, by William Makepeace Thackeray + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} +.c {text-align:center;} +.rt {text-align:right;} +.blk {margin:2%;} +.nind {text-indent:none;} +div.poetry {text-align:center;} +div.poem {font-size:90%;margin:auto auto;text-indent:0%; +display: inline-block; text-align: left;} +.poem .stanza {margin-top: 1em;margin-bottom:1em;} +</style> + </head> + <body> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Barry Lyndon, by William Makepeace Thackeray + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Barry Lyndon + +Author: William Makepeace Thackeray + +Release Date: December 4, 2009 [EBook #4558] +[Last updated: May 19, 2023] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BARRY LYNDON *** + + + + +Produced by Steve Harris, Charles Franks, David Widger and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + +</pre> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h1> + BARRY LYNDON + </h1> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h2> + By William Makepeace Thackeray + </h2> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h3> + From The Works Of William Makepeace Thackeray + </h3> + <h4> + Edited By Walter Jerrold + </h4> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <blockquote> + <p class="toc"> + <big><b>CONTENTS</b></big> + </p> + <p> + <br /> <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> A BIBLIOGRAPHICAL NOTE </a><br /><br /> <a + href="#link2H_4_0003"> <b>THE MEMOIRES OF BARRY LYNDON, ESQ.</b> </a><br /><br /> + <a href="#link2HCH0001"> CHAPTER I. </a> MY PEDIGREE AND + FAMILY—UNDERGO THE INFLUENCE OF THE TENDER <br /><br /> <a + href="#link2HCH0002"> CHAPTER II. </a> I SHOW MYSELF TO BE A + MAN OF SPIRIT <br /><br /> <a href="#link2HCH0003"> CHAPTER III. </a> A + FALSE START IN THE GENTEEL WORLD <br /><br /> <a href="#link2HCH0004"> + CHAPTER IV. </a> IN WHICH BARRY TAKES A NEAR VIEW OF MILITARY + GLORY <br /><br /> <a href="#link2HCH0005"> CHAPTER V. </a> BARRY + FAR FROM MILITARY GLORY <br /><br /> <a href="#link2HCH0006"> CHAPTER VI. + </a> THE CRIMP WAGGON—MILITARY EPISODES <br /><br /> <a + href="#link2HCH0007"> CHAPTER VII. </a> BARRY LEADS A + GARRISON LIFE, AND FINDS MANY FRIENDS THERE <br /><br /> <a + href="#link2HCH0008"> CHAPTER VIII. </a> BARRY’S ADIEU TO + MILITARY PROFESSION <br /><br /> <a href="#link2HCH0009"> CHAPTER IX. </a> I + APPEAR IN A MANNER BECOMING MY NAME AND LINEAGE <br /><br /> <a + href="#link2HCH0010"> CHAPTER X. </a> MORE RUNS OF LUCK <br /><br /> + <a href="#link2HCH0011"> CHAPTER XI. </a> IN WHICH THE LUCK + GOES AGAINST BARRY <br /><br /> <a href="#link2HCH0012"> CHAPTER XII. </a> TRAGICAL + HISTORY OF PRINCESS OF X—— <br /><br /> <a href="#link2HCH0013"> + CHAPTER XIII. </a> I CONTINUE MY CAREER AS A MAN OF FASHION + <br /><br /> <a href="#link2HCH0014"> CHAPTER XIV. </a> I + RETURN TO IRELAND, AND EXHIBIT MY SPLENDOUR AND <br /><br /> <a + href="#link2HCH0015"> CHAPTER XV. </a> I PAY COURT TO MY LADY + LYNDON <br /><br /> <a href="#link2HCH0016"> CHAPTER XVI. </a> I + PROVIDE NOBLY FOR MY FAMILY <br /><br /> <a href="#link2HCH0017"> CHAPTER + XVII. </a> I APPEAR AS AN ORNAMENT OF ENGLISH SOCIETY <br /><br /> + <a href="#link2HCH0018"> CHAPTER XVIII. </a> MY + GOOD FORTUNE BEGINS TO WAVER <br /><br /> <a href="#link2HCH0019"> CHAPTER + XIX. </a> CONCLUSION <br /><br /> + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + BARRY LYNDON + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A BIBLIOGRAPHICAL NOTE + </h2> + <p> + Barry Lyndon—far from the best known, but by some critics acclaimed + as the finest, of Thackeray’s works—appeared originally as a serial + a few years before VANITY FAIR was written; yet it was not published in + book form, and then not by itself, until after the publication of VANITY + FAIR, PENDENNIS, ESMOND and THE NEWCOMES had placed its author in the + forefront of the literary men of the day. So many years after the event we + cannot help wondering why the story was not earlier put in book form; for + in its delineation of the character of an adventurer it is as great as + VANITY FAIR, while for the local colour of history, if I may put it so, it + is no undistinguished precursor of ESMOND. + </p> + <p> + In the number of FRASER’S MAGAZINE for January 1844 appeared the first + instalment of ‘THE LUCK OF BARRY LYNDON, ESQ., A ROMANCE OF THE LAST + CENTURY, by FitzBoodle,’ and the story continued to appear month by month—with + the exception of October—up to the end of the year, when the + concluding portion was signed ‘G. S. FitzBoodle.’ FITZBOODLE’S + CONFESSIONS, it should be added, had appeared occasionally in the magazine + during the years immediately precedent, so that the pseudonym was familiar + to FRASER’S readers. The story was written, according to its author’s own + words, ‘with a great deal of dulness, unwillingness and labour,’ and was + evidently done as the instalments were required, for in August he wrote + ‘read for “B. L.” all the morning at the club,’ and four days later of + ‘“B. L.” lying like a nightmare on my mind.’ The journey to the East—which + was to give us in literary results NOTES OF A JOURNEY FROM CORNHILL TO + GRAND CAIRO—was begun with BARRY LYNDON yet unfinished, for at Malta + the author noted on the first three days of November—‘Wrote Barry + but slowly and with great difficulty.’ ‘Wrote Barry with no more success + than yesterday.’ ‘Finished Barry after great throes late at night.’ In the + number of Fraser’s for the following month, as I have said, the conclusion + appeared. A dozen years later, in 1856, the story formed the first part of + the third volume of Thackeray’s MISCELLANIES, when it was called MEMOIRS + OF BARRY LYNDON, ESQ., WRITTEN BY HIMSELF. Since then, it has nearly + always been issued with other matter, as though it were not strong enough + to stand alone, or as though the importance of a work was mainly to be + gauged by the number of pages to be crowded into one cover. The scheme of + the present edition fortunately allows fitting honour to be done to the + memoirs of the great adventurer. + </p> + <p> + To come from the story as a whole to the personality of the eponymous + hero. Three widely-differing historical individuals are suggested as + having contributed to the composite portrait. Best known of these was that + very prince among adventurers, G. J. Casanova de Seingalt, a man who in + the latter half of the eighteenth century played the part of adventurer—and + generally that of the successful adventurer—in most of the European + capitals; who within the first five-and-twenty years of his life had been + ‘abbe, secretary to Cardinal Aquaviva, ensign, and violinist, at Rome, + Constantinople, Corfu, and his own birthplace (Venice), where he cured a + senator of apoplexy.’ His autobiography, MEMOIRES ECRIT PAR LUI MEME (in + twelve volumes), has been described as ‘unmatched as a self-revelation of + scoundrelism.’ It has also been suggested, with I think far less colour of + probability, that the original of Barry was the diplomatist and satiric + poet Sir Charles Hanbury Williams, whom Dr Johnson described as ‘our + lively and elegant though too licentious lyrick bard.’ The third original, + and one who, there cannot be the slightest doubt, contributed features to + the great portrait, is a certain Andrew Robinson Stoney, afterwards + Stoney-Bowes. + </p> + <p> + The original of the Countess Lyndon was Mary Eleanor Bowes, Dowager + Countess of Strathmore, and heiress of a very wealthy Durham family. This + lady had many suitors, but in 1777 Stoney, a bankrupt lieutenant on half + pay, who had fought a duel on her behalf, induced her to marry him, and + subsequently hyphenated her name with his own. He became member of + Parliament, and ran such extravagant courses as does Barry Lyndon, treated + his wife with similar barbarity, abducted her when she had escaped from + him, and then, after being divorced, found his way to a debtors’ prison. + There are similarities here which no seeker after originals can overlook. + Mrs Ritchie says that her father had a friend at Paris, ‘a Mr Bowes, who + may have first told him this history of which the details are almost + incredible, as quoted from the papers of the time.’ The name of + Thackeray’s friend is a curious coincidence, unless, as may well have been + the case, he was a connection of the family into which the notorious + adventurer had married. It is not unlikely that Thackeray had seen the + work published in 1810—the year of Stoney-Bowes’s death—in + which the whole unhappy romance was set forth. This was ‘THE LIVES OF + ANDREW ROBINSON BOWES ESQ., and THE COUNTESS OF STRATHMORE. Written from + thirty-three years’ Professional Attendance, from letters and other well + authenticated Documents by Jesse Foot, Surgeon.’ In this book we find + several incidents similar to ones in the story. Bowes cut down all the + timber on his wife’s estate, but ‘the neighbours would not buy it.’ Such + practical jokes as Barry Lyndon played upon his son’s tutor were played by + Bowes on his chaplain. The story of Stoney and his marriage will be found + briefly given in the notice of the Countess’s life in the DICTIONARY OF + NATIONAL BIOGRAPHY. + </p> + <p> + Whence that part of the romantic interlude dealing with the stay in the + Duchy of X——, dealt with in chapter x., etc., was inspired, + Thackeray’s own note\books (as quoted by Mrs Ritchie) conclusively show: + ‘January 4,1844. Read in a silly book called L’EMPIRE, a good story about + the first K. of Wurtemberg’s wife; killed by her husband for adultery. + Frederic William, born in 1734 (?), m. in 1780 the Princess Caroline of + Brunswick Wolfenbuttel, who died the 27th September 1788. For the rest of + the story see L’EMPIRE, OU DIX ANS SOUS NAPOLEON, PAR UN CHAMBELLAN: + Paris, Allardin, 1836; vol. i. 220.’ The ‘Captain Freny’ to whom Barry + owed his adventures on his journey to Dublin (chapter iii.) was a + notorious highwayman, on whose doings Thackeray had enlarged in the + fifteenth chapter of his IRISH SKETCH BOOK. + </p> + <p> + Despite the slowness with which it was written, and the seeming neglect + with which it was permitted to remain unreprinted, BARRY LYNDON was to be + hailed by competent critics as one of Thackeray’s finest performances, + though the author himself seems to have had no strong regard for the + story. His daughter has recorded, ‘My father once said to me when I was a + girl: “You needn’t read BARRY LYNDON, you won’t like it.” Indeed, it is + scarcely a book to LIKE, but one to admire and to wonder at for its + consummate power and mastery.’ Another novelist, Anthony Trollope, has + said of it: ‘In imagination, language, construction, and general literary + capacity, Thackeray never did anything more remarkable than BARRY LYNDON.’ + Mr Leslie Stephen says: ‘All later critics have recognised in this book + one of his most powerful performances. In directness and vigour he never + surpassed it.’ + </p> + <p> + W.J. <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h1> + THE MEMOIRES OF BARRY LYNDON, ESQ. + </h1> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0001" id="link2HCH0001"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER I. MY PEDIGREE AND FAMILY—UNDERGO THE INFLUENCE OF THE + TENDER + </h2> + <p> + PASSION + </p> + <p> + Since the days of Adam, there has been hardly a mischief done in this + world but a woman has been at the bottom of it. Ever since ours was a + family (and that must be very NEAR Adam’s time,—so old, noble, and + illustrious are the Barrys, as everybody knows) women have played a mighty + part with the destinies of our race. + </p> + <p> + I presume that there is no gentleman in Europe that has not heard of the + house of Barry of Barryogue, of the kingdom of Ireland, than which a more + famous name is not to be found in Gwillim or D’Hozier; and though, as a + man of the world, I have learned to despise heartily the claims of some + PRETENDERS to high birth who have no more genealogy than the lacquey who + cleans my boots, and though I laugh to utter scorn the boasting of many of + my countrymen, who are all for descending from kings of Ireland, and talk + of a domain no bigger than would feed a pig as if it were a principality; + yet truth compels me to assert that my family was the noblest of the + island, and, perhaps, of the universal world; while their possessions, now + insignificant and torn from us by war, by treachery, by the loss of time, + by ancestral extravagance, by adhesion to the old faith and monarch, were + formerly prodigious, and embraced many counties, at a time when Ireland + was vastly more prosperous than now. I would assume the Irish crown over + my coat-of-arms, but that there are so many silly pretenders to that + distinction who bear it and render it common. + </p> + <p> + Who knows, but for the fault of a woman, I might have been wearing it now? + You start with incredulity. I say, why not? Had there been a gallant chief + to lead my countrymen, instead or puling knaves who bent the knee to King + Richard II., they might have been freemen; had there been a resolute + leader to meet the murderous ruffian Oliver Cromwell, we should have + shaken off the English for ever. But there was no Barry in the field + against the usurper; on the contrary, my ancestor, Simon de Bary, came + over with the first-named monarch, and married the daughter of the then + King of Munster, whose sons in battle he pitilessly slew. + </p> + <p> + In Oliver’s time it was too late for a chief of the name of Barry to lift + up his war-cry against that of the murderous brewer. We were princes of + the land no longer; our unhappy race had lost its possessions a century + previously, and by the most shameful treason. This I know to be the fact, + for my mother has often told me the story, and besides had worked it in a + worsted pedigree which hung up in the yellow saloon at Barryville where we + lived. + </p> + <p> + That very estate which the Lyndons now possess in Ireland was once the + property of my race. Rory Barry of Barryogue owned it in Elizabeth’s time, + and half Munster beside. The Barry was always in feud with the O’Mahonys + in those times; and, as it happened, a certain English colonel passed + through the former’s country with a body of men-at-arms, on the very day + when the O’Mahonys had made an inroad upon our territories, and carried + off a frightful plunder of our flocks and herds. + </p> + <p> + This young Englishman, whose name was Roger Lyndon, Linden, or Lyndaine, + having been most hospitably received by the Barry, and finding him just on + the point of carrying an inroad into the O’Mahonys’ land, offered the aid + of himself and his lances, and behaved himself so well, as it appeared, + that the O’Mahonys were entirely overcome, all the Barrys’ property + restored, and with it, says the old chronicle, twice as much of the + O’Mahonys’ goods and cattle. + </p> + <p> + It was the setting in of the winter season, and the young soldier was + pressed by the Barry not to quit his house of Barryogue, and remained + there during several months, his men being quartered with Barry’s own + gallowglasses, man by man in the cottages round about. They conducted + themselves, as is their wont, with the most intolerable insolence towards + the Irish; so much so, that fights and murders continually ensued, and the + people vowed to destroy them. + </p> + <p> + The Barry’s son (from whom I descend) was as hostile to the English as any + other man on his domain; and, as they would not go when bidden, he and his + friends consulted together and determined on destroying these English to a + man. + </p> + <p> + But they had let a woman into their plot, and this was the Barry’s + daughter. She was in love with the English Lyndon, and broke the whole + secret to him; and the dastardly English prevented the just massacre of + themselves by falling on the Irish, and destroying Phaudrig Barry, my + ancestor, and many hundreds of his men. The cross at Barrycross near + Carrignadihioul is the spot where the odious butchery took place. + </p> + <p> + Lyndon married the daughter of Roderick Barry, and claimed the estate + which he left: and though the descendants of Phaudrig were alive, as + indeed they are in my person,[Footnote: As we have never been able to find + proofs of the marriage of my ancestor Phaudrig with his wife, I make no + doubt that Lyndon destroyed the contract, and murdered the priest and + witnesses of the marriage.—B. L.] on appealing to the English + courts, the estate was awarded to the Englishman, as has ever been the + case where English and Irish were concerned. + </p> + <p> + Thus, had it not been for the weakness of a woman, I should have been born + to the possession of those very estates which afterwards came to me by + merit, as you shall hear. But to proceed with my family, history. + </p> + <p> + My father was well known to the best circles in this kingdom, as in that + of Ireland, under the name of Roaring Harry Barry. He was bred like many + other young sons of genteel families to the profession of the law, being + articled to a celebrated attorney of Sackville Street in the city of + Dublin; and, from his great genius and aptitude for learning, there is no + doubt he would have made an eminent figure in his profession, had not his + social qualities, love of field-sports, and extraordinary graces of + manner, marked him out for a higher sphere. While he was attorney’s clerk + he kept seven race-horses, and hunted regularly both with the Kildare and + Wicklow hunts; and rode on his grey horse Endymion that famous match + against Captain Punter, which is still remembered by lovers of the sport, + and of which I caused a splendid picture to be made and hung over my + dining-hall mantelpiece at Castle Lyndon. A year afterwards he had the + honour of riding that very horse Endymion before his late Majesty King + George II. at New-market, and won the plate there and the attention of the + august sovereign. + </p> + <p> + Although he was only the second son of our family, my dear father came + naturally into the estate (now miserably reduced to L400 a year); for my + grandfather’s eldest son Cornelius Barry (called the Chevalier Borgne, + from a wound which he received in Germany) remained constant to the old + religion in which our family was educated, and not only served abroad with + credit, but against His Most Sacred Majesty George II. in the unhappy + Scotch disturbances in ‘45. We shall hear more of the Chevalier hereafter. + </p> + <p> + For the conversion of my father I have to thank my dear mother, Miss Bell + Brady, daughter of Ulysses Brady of Castle Brady, county Kerry, Esquire + and J.P. She was the most beautiful woman of her day in Dublin, and + universally called the Dasher there. Seeing her at the assembly, my father + became passionately attached to her; but her soul was above marrying a + Papist or an attorney’s clerk; and so, for the love of her, the good old + laws being then in force, my dear father slipped into my uncle Cornelius’s + shoes and took the family estate. Besides the force of my mother’s bright + eyes, several persons, and of the genteelest society too, contributed to + this happy change; and I have often heard my mother laughingly tell the + story of my father’s recantation, which was solemnly pronounced at the + tavern in the company of Sir Dick Ringwood, Lord Bagwig, Captain Punter, + and two or three other young sparks of the town. Roaring Harry won 300 + pieces that very night at faro, and laid the necessary information the + next morning against his brother; but his conversion caused a coolness + between him and my uncle Corney, who joined the rebels in consequence. + </p> + <p> + This great difficulty being settled, my Lord Bagwig lent my father his own + yacht, then lying at the Pigeon House, and the handsome Bell Brady was + induced to run away with him to England, although her parents were against + the match, and her lovers (as I have heard her tell many thousands of + times) were among the most numerous and the most wealthy in all the + kingdom of Ireland. They were married at the Savoy, and my grandfather + dying very soon, Harry Barry, Esquire, took possession of his paternal + property and supported our illustrious name with credit in London. He + pinked the famous Count Tiercelin behind Montague House, he was a member + of ‘White’s,’ and a frequenter of all the chocolate-houses; and my mother, + likewise, made no small figure. At length, after his great day of triumph + before His Sacred Majesty at Newmarket, Harry’s fortune was just on the + point of being made, for the gracious monarch promised to provide for him. + But alas! he was taken in charge by another monarch, whose will have no + delay or denial,—by Death, namely, who seized upon my father at + Chester races, leaving me a helpless orphan. Peace be to his ashes! He was + not faultless, and dissipated all our princely family property; but he was + as brave a fellow as ever tossed a bumper or called a main, and he drove + his coach-and-six like a man of fashion. + </p> + <p> + I do not know whether His gracious Majesty was much affected by this + sudden demise of my father, though my mother says he shed some royal tears + on the occasion. But they helped us to nothing: and all that was found in + the house for the wife and creditors was a purse of ninety guineas, which + my dear mother naturally took, with the family plate, and my father’s + wardrobe and her own; and putting them into our great coach, drove off to + Holyhead, whence she took shipping for Ireland. My father’s body + accompanied us in the finest hearse and plumes money could buy; for though + the husband and wife had quarrelled repeatedly in life, yet at my father’s + death his high-spirited widow forgot all her differences, gave him the + grandest funeral that had been seen for many a day, and erected a monument + over his remains (for which I subsequently paid), which declared him to be + the wisest, purest, and most affectionate of men. + </p> + <p> + In performing these sad duties over her deceased lord, the widow spent + almost every guinea she had, and, indeed, would have spent a great deal + more, had she discharged one-third of the demands which the ceremonies + occasioned. But the people around our old house of Barryogue, although + they did not like my father for his change of faith, yet stood by him at + this moment, and were for exterminating the mutes sent by Mr. Plumer of + London with the lamented remains. The monument and vault in the church + were then, alas! all that remained of my vast possessions; for my father + had sold every stick of the property to one Notley, an attorney, and we + received but a cold welcome in his house—a miserable old tumble-down + place it was. [Footnote: In another part of his memoir Mr. Barry will be + found to describe this mansion as one of the most splendid palaces in + Europe; but this is a practice not unusual with his nation; and with + respect to the Irish principality claimed by him, it is known that Mr. + Barry’s grandfather was an attorney and maker of his own fortune.] + </p> + <p> + The splendour of the funeral did not fail to increase the widow Barry’s + reputation as a woman of spirit and fashion; and when she wrote to her + brother Michael Brady, that worthy gentleman immediately rode across the + country to fling himself in her arms, and to invite her in his wife’s name + to Castle Brady. + </p> + <p> + Mick and Barry had quarrelled, as all men will, and very high words had + passed between them during Barry’s courtship of Miss Bell. When he took + her off, Brady swore he would never forgive Barry or Bell; but coming to + London in the year ‘46, he fell in once more with Roaring Harry, and lived + in his fine house in Clarges Street, and lost a few pieces to him at play, + and broke a watchman’s head or two in his company,—all of which + reminiscences endeared Bell and her son very much to the good-hearted + gentleman, and he received us both with open arms. Mrs. Barry did not, + perhaps wisely, at first make known to her friends what was her condition; + but arriving in a huge gilt coach with enormous armorial bearings, was + taken by her sister-in-law and the rest of the county for a person of + considerable property and distinction. For a time, then, and as was right + and proper, Mrs. Barry gave the law at Castle Brady. She ordered the + servants to and fro, and taught them, what indeed they much wanted, a + little London neatness; and ‘English Redmond,’ as I was called, was + treated like a little lord, and had a maid and a footman to himself; and + honest Mick paid their wages,—which was much more than he was used + to do for his own domestics,—doing all in his power to make his + sister decently comfortable under her afflictions. Mamma, in return, + determined that, when her affairs were arranged, she would make her kind + brother a handsome allowance for her son’s maintenance and her own; and + promised to have her handsome furniture brought over from Clarges Street + to adorn the somewhat dilapidated rooms of Castle Brady. + </p> + <p> + But it turned out that the rascally landlord seized upon every chair and + table that ought by rights to have belonged to the widow. The estate to + which I was heir was in the hands of rapacious creditors; and the only + means of subsistence remaining to the widow and child was a rent-charge of + L50 upon my Lord Bagwig’s property, who had many turf-dealings with the + deceased. And so my dear mother’s liberal intentions towards her brother + were of course never fulfilled. + </p> + <p> + It must be confessed, very much to the discredit of Mrs. Brady of Castle + Brady, that when her sister-in-law’s poverty was thus made manifest, she + forgot all the respect which she had been accustomed to pay her, instantly + turned my maid and man-servant out of doors, and told Mrs. Barry that she + might follow them as soon as she chose. Mrs. Mick was of a low family, and + a sordid way of thinking; and after about a couple of years (during which + she had saved almost all her little income) the widow complied with Madam + Brady’s desire. At the same time, giving way to a just though prudently + dissimulated resentment, she made a vow that she would never enter the + gates of Castle Brady while the lady of the house remained alive within + them. + </p> + <p> + She fitted up her new abode with much economy and considerable taste, and + never, for all her poverty, abated a jot of the dignity which was her due + and which all the neighbourhood awarded to her. How, indeed, could they + refuse respect to a lady who had lived in London, frequented the most + fashionable society there, and had been presented (as she solemnly + declared) at Court? These advantages gave her a right which seems to be + pretty unsparingly exercised in Ireland by those natives who have it,—the + right of looking down with scorn upon all persons who have not had the + opportunity of quitting the mother-country and inhabiting England for a + while. Thus, whenever Madam Brady appeared abroad in a new dress, her + sister-in-law would say, ‘Poor creature! how can it be expected that she + should know anything of the fashion?’ And though pleased to be called the + handsome widow, as she was, Mrs. Barry was still better pleased to be + called the English widow. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Brady, for her part, was not slow to reply: she used to say that the + defunct Barry was a bankrupt and a beggar; and as for the fashionable + society which he saw, he saw it from my Lord Bagwig’s side-table, whose + flatterer and hanger-on he was known to be. Regarding Mrs. Barry, the lady + of Castle Brady would make insinuations still more painful. However, why + should we allude to these charges, or rake up private scandal of a hundred + years old? It was in the reign of George II that the above-named + personages lived and quarrelled; good or bad, handsome or ugly, rich or + poor, they are all equal now; and do not the Sunday papers and the courts + of law supply us every week with more novel and interesting slander? + </p> + <p> + At any rate, it must be allowed that Mrs. Barry, after her husband’s death + and her retirement, lived in such a way as to defy slander. For whereas + Bell Brady had been the gayest girl in the whole county of Wexford, with + half the bachelors at her feet, and plenty of smiles and encouragement for + every one of them, Bell Barry adopted a dignified reserve that almost + amounted to pomposity, and was as starch as any Quakeress. Many a man + renewed his offers to the widow, who had been smitten by the charms of the + spinster; but Mrs. Barry refused all offers of marriage, declaring that + she lived now for her son only, and for the memory of her departed saint. + </p> + <p> + ‘Saint forsooth!’ said ill-natured Mrs. Brady. + </p> + <p> + ‘Harry Barry was as big a sinner as ever was known; and ‘tis notorious + that he and Bell hated each other. If she won’t marry now, depend on it, + the artful woman has a husband in her eye for all that, and only waits + until Lord Bagwig is a widower.’ + </p> + <p> + And suppose she did, what then? Was not the widow of a Barry fit to marry + with any lord of England? and was it not always said that a woman was to + restore the fortunes of the Barry family? If my mother fancied that SHE + was to be that woman, I think it was a perfectly justifiable notion on her + part; for the Earl (my godfather) was always most attentive to her: I + never knew how deeply this notion of advancing my interests in the world + had taken possession of mamma’s mind, until his Lordship’s marriage in the + year ‘57 with Miss Goldmore, the Indian nabob’s rich daughter. + </p> + <p> + Meanwhile we continued to reside at Barryville, and, considering the + smallness of our income, kept up a wonderful state. Of the half-dozen + families that formed the congregation at Brady’s Town, there was not a + single person whose appearance was so respectable as that of the widow, + who, though she always dressed in mourning, in memory of her deceased + husband, took care that her garments should be made so as to set off her + handsome person to the greatest advantage; and, indeed, I think, spent six + hours out of every day in the week in cutting, trimming, and altering them + to the fashion. She had the largest of hoops and the handsomest of + furbelows, and once a month (under my Lord Bagwig’s cover) would come a + letter from London containing the newest accounts of the fashions there. + Her complexion was so brilliant that she had no call to use rouge, as was + the mode in those days. No, she left red and white, she said (and hence + the reader may imagine how the two ladies hated each other) to Madam + Brady, whose yellow complexion no plaster could alter. In a word, she was + so accomplished a beauty, that all the women in the country took pattern + by her, and the young fellows from ten miles round would ride over to + Castle Brady church to have the sight of her. + </p> + <p> + But if (like every other woman that ever I saw or read of) she was proud + of her beauty, to do her justice she was still more proud of her son, and + has said a thousand times to me that I was the handsomest young fellow in + the world. This is a matter of taste. A man of sixty may, however, say + what he was at fourteen without much vanity, and I must say I think there + was some cause for my mother’s opinion. The good soul’s pleasure was to + dress me; and on Sundays and holidays I turned out in a velvet coat with a + silver-hilted sword by my side and a gold garter at my knee, as fine as + any lord in the land. My mother worked me several most splendid + waistcoats, and I had plenty of lace for my ruffles, and a fresh riband to + my hair, and as we walked to church on Sundays, even envious Mrs. Brady + was found to allow that there was not a prettier pair in the kingdom. + </p> + <p> + Of course, too, the lady of Castle Brady used to sneer, because on these + occasions a certain Tim, who used to be called my valet, followed me and + my mother to church, carrying a huge prayer-book and a cane, and dressed + in the livery of one of our own fine footmen from Clarges Street, which, + as Tim was a bandy-shanked little fellow, did not exactly become him. But, + though poor, we were gentlefolks, and not to be sneered out of these + becoming appendages to our rank; and so would march up the aisle to our + pew with as much state and gravity as the Lord Lieutenant’s lady and son + might do. When there, my mother would give the responses and amens in a + loud dignified voice that was delightful to hear, and, besides, had a fine + loud voice for singing, which art she had perfected in London under a + fashionable teacher; and she would exercise her talent in such a way that + you would hardly hear any other voice of the little congregation which + chose to join in the psalm. In fact, my mother had great gifts in every + way, and believed herself to be one of the most beautiful, accomplished, + and meritorious persons in the world. Often and often has she talked to me + and the neighbours regarding her own humility and piety, pointing them out + in such a way that I would defy the most obstinate to disbelieve her. + </p> + <p> + When we left Castle Brady we came to occupy a house in Brady’s town, which + mamma christened Barryville. I confess it was but a small place, but, + indeed, we made the most of it. I have mentioned the family pedigree which + hung up in the drawingroom, which mamma called the yellow saloon, and my + bedroom was called the pink bedroom, and hers the orange tawny apartment + (how well I remember them all!); and at dinner-time Tim regularly rang a + great bell, and we each had a silver tankard to drink from, and mother + boasted with justice that I had as good a bottle of claret by my side as + any squire of the land. So indeed I had, but I was not, of course, allowed + at my tender years to drink any of the wine; which thus attained a + considerable age, even in the decanter. + </p> + <p> + Uncle Brady (in spite of the family quarrel) found out the above fact one + day by calling at Barryville at dinner-time, and unluckily tasting the + liquor. You should have seen how he sputtered and made faces! But the + honest gentleman was not particular about his wine, or the company in + which he drank it. He would get drunk, indeed, with the parson or the + priest indifferently; with the latter, much to my mother’s indignation, + for, as a true blue Nassauite, she heartily despised all those of the old + faith, and would scarcely sit down in the room with a benighted Papist. + But the squire had no such scruples; he was, indeed, one of the easiest, + idlest, and best-natured fellows that ever lived, and many an hour would + he pass with the lonely widow when he was tired of Madam Brady at home. He + liked me, he said, as much as one of his own sons, and at length, after + the widow had held out for a couple of years, she agreed to allow me to + return to the castle; though, for herself, she resolutely kept the oath + which she had made with regard to her sister-in-law. + </p> + <p> + The very first day I returned to Castle Brady my trials may be said, in a + manner, to have begun. My cousin, Master Mick, a huge monster of nineteen + (who hated me, and I promise you I returned the compliment), insulted me + at dinner about my mother’s poverty, and made all the girls of the family + titter. So when we went to the stables, whither Mick always went for his + pipe of tobacco after dinner, I told him a piece of my mind, and there was + a fight for at least ten minutes, during which I stood to him like a man, + and blacked his left eye, though I was myself only twelve years old at the + time. Of course he beat me, but a beating makes only a small impression on + a lad of that tender age, as I had proved many times in battles with the + ragged Brady’s Town boys before, not one of whom, at my time of life, was + my match. My uncle was very much pleased when he heard of my gallantry; my + cousin Nora brought brown paper and vinegar for my nose, and I went home + that night with a pint of claret under my girdle, not a little proud, let + me tell you, at having held my own against Mick so long. + </p> + <p> + And though he persisted in his bad treatment of me, and used to cane me + whenever I fell in his way, yet I was very happy now at Castle Brady with + the company there, and my cousins, or some of them, and the kindness of my + uncle, with whom I became a prodigious favourite. He bought a colt for me, + and taught me to ride. He took me out coursing and fowling, and instructed + me to shoot flying. And at length I was released from Mick’s persecution, + for his brother, Master Ulick, returning from Trinity College, and hating + his elder brother, as is mostly the way in families of fashion, took me + under his protection; and from that time, as Ulick was a deal bigger and + stronger than Mick, I, English Redmond, as I was called, was left alone; + except when the former thought fit to thrash me, which he did whenever he + thought proper. + </p> + <p> + Nor was my learning neglected in the ornamental parts, for I had an + uncommon natural genius for many things, and soon topped in + accomplishments most of the persons around me. I had a quick ear and a + fine voice, which my mother cultivated to the best of her power, and she + taught me to step a minuet gravely and gracefully, and thus laid the + foundation of my future success in life. The common dances I learned (as, + perhaps, I ought not to confess) in the servants’ hall, which, you may be + sure, was never without a piper, and where I was considered unrivalled + both at a hornpipe and a jig. + </p> + <p> + In the matter of book-learning, I had always an uncommon taste for reading + plays and novels, as the best part of a gentleman’s polite education, and + never let a pedlar pass the village, if I had a penny, without having a + ballad or two from him. As for your dull grammar, and Greek and Latin and + stuff, I have always hated them from my youth upwards, and said, very + unmistakably, I would have none of them. + </p> + <p> + This I proved pretty clearly at the age of thirteen, when my aunt Biddy + Brady’s legacy of L100 came in to mamma, who thought to employ the sum on + my education, and sent me to Doctor Tobias Tickler’s famous academy at + Ballywhacket—Backwhacket, as my uncle used to call it. But six weeks + after I had been consigned to his reverence, I suddenly made my appearance + again at Castle Brady, having walked forty miles from the odious place, + and left the Doctor in a state near upon apoplexy. The fact was, that at + taw, prison-bars, or boxing, I was at the head of the school, but could + not be brought to excel in the classics; and after having been flogged + seven times, without its doing me the least good in my Latin, I refused to + submit altogether (finding it useless) to an eighth application of the + rod. ‘Try some other way, sir,’ said I, when he was for horsing me once + more; but he wouldn’t; whereon, and to defend myself, I flung a slate at + him, and knocked down a Scotch usher with a leaden inkstand. All the lads + huzza’d at this, and some or the servants wanted to stop me; but taking + out a large clasp-knife that my cousin Nora had given me, I swore I would + plunge it into the waistcoat of the first man who dared to balk me, and + faith they let me pass on. I slept that night twenty miles off + Ballywhacket, at the house of a cottier, who gave me potatoes and milk, + and to whom I gave a hundred guineas after, when I came to visit Ireland + in my days of greatness. I wish I had the money now. But what’s the use of + regret? I have had many a harder bed than that I shall sleep on to-night, + and many a scantier meal than honest Phil Murphy gave me on the evening I + ran away from school. So six weeks’ was all the schooling I ever got. And + I say this to let parents know the value of it; for though I have met more + learned book-worms in the world, especially a great hulking, clumsy, + blear-eyed old doctor, whom they called Johnson, and who lived in a court + off Fleet Street, in London, yet I pretty soon silenced him in an argument + (at ‘Button’s Coffeehouse’); and in that, and in poetry, and what I call + natural philosophy, or the science of life, and in riding, music, leaping, + the small-sword, the knowledge of a horse, or a main of cocks, and the + manners of an accomplished gentleman and a man of fashion, I may say for + myself that Redmond Barry has seldom found his equal. ‘Sir,’ said I to Mr. + Johnson, on the occasion I allude to—he was accompanied by a Mr. + Buswell of Scotland, and I was presented to the club by a Mr. Goldsmith, a + countryman of my own—‘Sir,’ said I, in reply to the schoolmaster’s + great thundering quotation in Greek, ‘you fancy you know a great deal more + than me, because you quote your Aristotle and your Pluto; but can you tell + me which horse will win at Epsom Downs next week?—Can you run six + miles without breathing?—Can you shoot the ace of spades ten times + without missing? If so, talk about Aristotle and Pluto to me.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘D’ye knaw who ye’re speaking to?’ roared out the Scotch gentleman, Mr. + Boswell, at this. + </p> + <p> + ‘Hold your tongue, Mr. Boswell,’ said the old schoolmaster. ‘I had no + right to brag of my Greek to the gentleman, and he has answered me very + well.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Doctor,’ says I, looking waggishly at him, ‘do you know ever a rhyme for + ArisTOTLE?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Port, if you plaise,’ says Mr. Goldsmith, laughing. And we had SIX RHYMES + FOR ARISTOTLE before we left the coffee-house that evening. It became a + regular joke afterwards when I told the story, and at ‘White’s’ or the + ‘Cocoa-tree’ you would hear the wags say, ‘Waiter, bring me one of Captain + Barry’s rhymes for Aristotle.’ Once, when I was in liquor at the latter + place, young Dick Sheridan called me a great Staggerite, a joke which I + could never understand. But I am wandering from my story, and must get + back to home, and dear old Ireland again. + </p> + <p> + I have made acquaintance with the best in the land since, and my manners + are such, I have said, as to make me the equal of them all; and, perhaps, + you will wonder how a country boy, as I was, educated amongst Irish + squires, and their dependants of the stable and farm, should arrive at + possessing such elegant manners as I was indisputably allowed to have. I + had, the fact is, a very valuable instructor in the person of an old + gamekeeper, who had served the French king at Fontenoy, and who taught me + the dances and customs, and a smattering of the language of that country, + with the use of the sword, both small and broad. Many and many a long mile + I have trudged by his side as a lad, he telling me wonderful stories of + the French king, and the Irish brigade, and Marshal Saxe, and the + opera-dancers; he knew my uncle, too, the Chevalier Borgne, and indeed had + a thousand accomplishments which he taught me in secret. I never knew a + man like him for making or throwing a fly, for physicking a horse, or + breaking, or choosing one; he taught me manly sports, from birds’-nesting + upwards, and I always shall consider Phil Purcell as the very best tutor I + could have had. His fault was drink, but for that I have always had a + blind eye; and he hated my cousin Mick like poison; but I could excuse him + that too. + </p> + <p> + With Phil, and at the age of fifteen, I was a more accomplished man than + either of my cousins; and I think Nature had been also more bountiful to + me in the matter of person. Some of the Castle Brady girls (as you shall + hear presently) adored me. At fairs and races many of the prettiest lasses + present said they would like to have me for their bachelor; and yet + somehow, it must be confessed, I was not popular. + </p> + <p> + In the first place, every one knew I was bitter poor; and I think, + perhaps, it was my good mother’s fault that I was bitter proud too. I had + a habit of boasting in company of my birth, and the splendour of my + carriages, gardens, cellars, and domestics, and this before people who + were perfectly aware of my real circumstances. If it was boys, and they + ventured to sneer, I would beat them, or die for it; and many’s the time + I’ve been brought home well-nigh killed by one or more of them, on what, + when my mother asked me, I would say was ‘a family quarrel.’ ‘Support your + name with your blood, Reddy my boy,’ would that saint say, with the tears + in her eyes; and so would she herself have done with her voice, ay, and + her teeth and nails. + </p> + <p> + Thus, at fifteen, there was scarce a lad of twenty, for half-a-dozen miles + round, that I had not beat for one cause or other. There were the vicar’s + two sons of Castle Brady—in course I could not associate with such + beggarly brats as them, and many a battle did we have as to who should + take the wall in Brady’s Town; there was Pat Lurgan, the blacksmith’s son, + who had the better of me four times before we came to the crowning fight, + when I overcame him; and I could mention a score more of my deeds of + prowess in that way, but that fisticuff facts are dull subjects to talk + of, and to discuss before high-bred gentlemen and ladies. + </p> + <p> + However, there is another subject, ladies, on which I must discourse, and + THAT is never out of place. Day and night you like to hear of it: young + and old, you dream and think of it. Handsome and ugly (and, faith, before + fifty, I never saw such a thing as a plain woman), it’s the subject next + to the hearts of all of you; and I think you guess my riddle without more + trouble. LOVE! sure the word is formed on purpose out of the prettiest + soft vowels and consonants in the language, and he or she who does not + care to read about it is not worth a fig, to my thinking. + </p> + <p> + My uncle’s family consisted of ten children; who, as is the custom in such + large families, were divided into two camps, or parties; the one siding + with their mamma, the other taking the part of my uncle in all the + numerous quarrels which arose between that gentleman and his lady. Mrs. + Brady’s faction was headed by Mick, the eldest son, who hated me so, and + disliked his father for keeping him out of his property: while Ulick, the + second brother, was his father’s own boy; and, in revenge, Master Mick was + desperately afraid of him. I need not mention the girls’ names; I had + plague enough with them in after-life, Heaven knows; and one of them was + the cause of all my early troubles: this was (though to be sure all her + sisters denied it) the belle of the family, Miss Honoria Brady by name. + </p> + <p> + She said she was only nineteen at the time; but I could read the fly-leaf + in the family Bible as well as another (it was one of the three books + which, with the backgammon-board, formed my uncle’s library), and know + that she was born in the year ‘37, and christened by Doctor Swift, Dean of + St. Patrick’s, Dublin: hence she was three-and-twenty years old at the + time she and I were so much together. + </p> + <p> + When I come to think about her now, I know she never could have been + handsome; for her figure was rather of the fattest, and her mouth of the + widest; she was freckled over like a partridge’s egg, and her hair was the + colour of a certain vegetable which we eat with boiled beef, to use the + mildest term. Often and often would my dear mother make these remarks + concerning her; but I did not believe them then, and somehow had gotten to + think Honoria an angelical being, far above all the other angels of her + sex. + </p> + <p> + And as we know very well that a lady who is skilled in dancing or singing + never can perfect herself without a deal of study in private, and that the + song or the minuet which is performed with so much graceful ease in the + assembly-room has not been acquired without vast labour and perseverance + in private; so it is with the dear creatures who are skilled in + coquetting. Honoria, for instance, was always practising, and she would + take poor me to rehearse her accomplishment upon; or the exciseman, when + he came his rounds, or the steward, or the poor curate, or the young + apothecary’s lad from Brady’s Town: whom I recollect beating once for that + very reason. If he is alive now I make him my apologies. Poor fellow! as + if it was HIS fault that he should be a victim to the wiles of one of the + greatest coquettes (considering her obscure life and rustic breeding) in + the world. + </p> + <p> + If the truth must be told—and every word of this narrative of my + life is of the most sacred veracity—my passion for Nora began in a + very vulgar and unromantic way. I did not save her life; on the contrary, + I once very nearly killed her, as you shall hear. I did not behold her by + moonlight playing on the guitar, or rescue her from the hands of ruffians, + as Alfonso does Lindamira in the novel; but one day, after dinner at + Brady’s Town, in summer, going into the garden to pull gooseberries for my + dessert, and thinking only of gooseberries, I pledge my honour, I came + upon Miss Nora and one of her sisters, with whom she was friends at the + time, who were both engaged in the very same amusement. + </p> + <p> + ‘What’s the Latin for gooseberry, Redmond?’ says she. She was always + ‘poking her fun,’ as the Irish phrase it. + </p> + <p> + ‘I know the Latin for goose,’ says I. + </p> + <p> + ‘And what’s that?’ cries Miss Mysie, as pert as a peacock. + </p> + <p> + ‘Bo to you!’ says I (for I had never a want of wit); and so we fell to + work at the gooseberry-bush, laughing and talking as happy as might be. In + the course of our diversion Nora managed to scratch her arm, and it bled, + and she screamed, and it was mighty round and white, and I tied it up, and + I believe was permitted to kiss her hand; and though it was as big and + clumsy a hand as ever you saw, yet I thought the favour the most ravishing + one that was ever conferred upon me, and went home in a rapture. + </p> + <p> + I was much too simple a fellow to disguise any sentiment I chanced to feel + in those days; and not one of the eight Castle Brady girls but was soon + aware of my passion, and joked and complimented Nora about her bachelor. + </p> + <p> + The torments of jealousy the cruel coquette made me endure were horrible. + Sometimes she would treat me as a child, sometimes as a man. She would + always leave me if ever there came a stranger to the house. + </p> + <p> + ‘For after all, Redmond,’ she would say, ‘you are but fifteen, and you + haven’t a guinea in the world.’ At which I would swear that I would become + the greatest hero ever known out of Ireland, and vow that before I was + twenty I would have money enough to purchase an estate six times as big as + Castle Brady. All which vain promises, of course, I did not keep; but I + make no doubt they influenced me in my very early life, and caused me to + do those great actions for which I have been celebrated, and which shall + be narrated presently in order. + </p> + <p> + I must tell one of them, just that my dear young lady readers may know + what sort of a fellow Redmond Barry was, and what a courage and undaunted + passion he had. I question whether any of the jenny-jessamines of the + present day would do half as much in the face of danger. + </p> + <p> + About this time, it must be premised, the United Kingdom was in a state of + great excitement from the threat generally credited of a French invasion. + The Pretender was said to be in high favour at Versailles, a descent upon + Ireland was especially looked to, and the noblemen and people of condition + in that and all other parts of the kingdom showed their loyalty by raising + regiments of horse and foot to resist the invaders. Brady’s Town sent a + company to join the Kilwangan regiment, of which Master Mick was the + captain; and we had a letter from Master Ulick at Trinity College, stating + that the University had also formed a regiment, in which he had the honour + to be a corporal. How I envied them both! especially that odious Mick as I + saw him in his laced scarlet coat, with a ribbon in his hat, march off at + the head of his men. He, the poor spiritless creature, was a captain, and + I nothing,—I who felt I had as much courage as the Duke of + Cumberland himself, and felt, too, that a red jacket would mightily become + me! My mother said I was too young to join the new regiment; but the fact + was, that it was she herself who was too poor, for the cost of a new + uniform would have swallowed up half her year’s income, and she would only + have her boy appear in a way suitable to his birth, riding the finest of + racers, dressed in the best of clothes, and keeping the genteelest of + company. + </p> + <p> + Well, then, the whole country was alive with war’s alarums, the three + kingdoms ringing with military music, and every man of merit paying his + devoirs at the court of Bellona, whilst poor I was obliged to stay at home + in my fustian jacket and sigh for fame in secret. Mr. Mick came to and fro + from the regiment, and brought numerous of his comrades with him. Their + costume and swaggering airs filled me with grief, and Miss Nora’s + unvarying attentions to them served to make me half wild. No one, however, + thought of attributing this sadness to the young lady’s score, but rather + to my disappointment at not being allowed to join the military profession. + </p> + <p> + Once the officers of the Fencibles gave a grand ball at Kilwangan, to + which, as a matter of course, all the ladies of Castle Brady (and a pretty + ugly coachful they were) were invited. I knew to what tortures the odious + little flirt of a Nora would put me with her eternal coquetries with the + officers, and refused for a long time to be one of the party to the ball. + But she had a way of conquering me, against which all resistance of mine + was in vain. She vowed that riding in a coach always made her ill. ‘And + how can I go to the ball,’ said she, ‘unless you take me on Daisy behind + you on the pillion?’ Daisy was a good blood-mare of my uncle’s, and to + such a proposition I could not for my soul say no; so we rode in safety to + Kilwangan, and I felt myself as proud as any prince when she promised to + dance a country-dance with me. + </p> + <p> + When the dance was ended, the little ungrateful flirt informed me that she + had quite forgotten her engagement; she had actually danced the set with + an Englishman! I have endured torments in my life, but none like that. She + tried to make up for her neglect, but I would not. Some of the prettiest + girls there offered to console me, for I was the best dancer in the room. + I made one attempt, but was too wretched to continue, and so remained + alone all night in a state of agony. I would have played, but I had no + money; only the gold piece that my mother bade me always keep in my purse + as a gentleman should. I did not care for drink, or know the dreadful + comfort of it in those days; but I thought of killing myself and Nora, and + most certainly of making away with Captain Quin! + </p> + <p> + At last, and at morning, the ball was over. The rest of our ladies went + off in the lumbering creaking old coach; Daisy was brought out, and Miss + Nora took her place behind me, which I let her do without a word. But we + were not half-a-mile out of town when she began to try with her coaxing + and blandishments to dissipate my ill-humour. + </p> + <p> + ‘Sure it’s a bitter night, Redmond dear, and you’ll catch cold without a + handkerchief to your neck.’ To this sympathetic remark from the pillion, + the saddle made no reply. + </p> + <p> + ‘Did you and Miss Clancy have a pleasant evening, Redmond? You were + together, I saw, all night.’ To this the saddle only replied by grinding + his teeth, and giving a lash to Daisy. + </p> + <p> + ‘O mercy! you’ll make Daisy rear and throw me, you careless creature you: + and you know, Redmond, I’m so timid.’ The pillion had by this got her arm + round the saddle’s waist, and perhaps gave it the gentlest squeeze in the + world. + </p> + <p> + ‘I hate Miss Clancy, you know I do!’ answers the saddle; ‘and I only + danced with her because—because—the person with whom I + intended to dance chose to be engaged the whole night.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Sure there were my sisters,’ said the pillion, now laughing outright in + the pride of her conscious superiority; ‘and for me, my dear, I had not + been in the room five minutes before I was engaged for every single set.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Were you obliged to dance five times with Captain Quin?’ said I; and oh! + strange delicious charm of coquetry, I do believe Miss Nora Brady at + twenty-three years of age felt a pang of delight in thinking that she had + so much power over a guileless lad of fifteen. Of course she replied that + she did not care a fig for Captain Quin: that he danced prettily, to be + sure, and was a pleasant rattle of a man; that he looked well in his + regimentals too; and if he chose to ask her to dance, how could she refuse + him? + </p> + <p> + ‘But you refused me, Nora.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Oh! I can dance with you any day,’ answered Miss Nora, with a toss of her + head; ‘and to dance with your cousin at a ball, looks as if you could find + no other partner. Besides,’ said Nora—and this was a cruel, unkind + cut, which showed what a power she had over me, and how mercilessly she + used it,—‘besides, Redmond, Captain Quin’s a man and you are only a + boy!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘If ever I meet him again,’ I roared out with an oath, ‘you shall see + which is the best man of the two. I’ll fight him with sword or with + pistol, captain as he is. A man indeed! I’ll fight any man—every + man! Didn’t I stand up to Mick Brady when I was eleven years old?—Didn’t + I beat Tom Sullivan, the great hulking brute, who is nineteen?—Didn’t + I do for the Scotch usher? O Nora, it’s cruel of you to sneer at me so!’ + </p> + <p> + But Nora was in the sneering mood that night, and pursued her sarcasms; + she pointed out that Captain Quin was already known as a valiant soldier, + famous as a man of fashion in London, and that it was mighty well of + Redmond to talk and boast of beating ushers and farmers’ boys, but to + fight an Englishman was a very different matter. + </p> + <p> + Then she fell to talk of the invasion, and of military matters in general; + of King Frederick (who was called, in those days, the Protestant hero), of + Monsieur Thurot and his fleet, of Monsieur Conflans and his squadron, of + Minorca, how it was attacked, and where it was; we both agreed it must be + in America, and hoped the French might be soundly beaten there. + </p> + <p> + I sighed after a while (for I was beginning to melt), and said how much I + longed to be a soldier; on which Nora recurred to her infallible ‘Ah! now, + would you leave me, then? But, sure, you’re not big enough for anything + more than a little drummer.’ To which I replied, by swearing that a + soldier I would be, and a general too. + </p> + <p> + As we were chattering in this silly way, we came to a place that has ever + since gone by the name of Redmond’s Leap Bridge. It was an old high + bridge, over a stream sufficiently deep and rocky, and as the mare Daisy + with her double load was crossing this bridge, Miss Nora, giving a loose + to her imagination, and still harping on the military theme (I would lay a + wager that she was thinking of Captain Quin)—Miss Nora said, + ‘Suppose now, Redmond, you, who are such a hero, was passing over the + bridge, and the inimy on the other side?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I’d draw my sword, and cut my way through them.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘What, with me on the pillion? Would you kill poor me?’ (This young lady + was perpetually speaking of ‘poor me!’) + </p> + <p> + ‘Well, then, I’ll tell you what I’d do. I’d jump Daisy into the river, and + swim you both across, where no enemy could follow us.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Jump twenty feet! you wouldn’t dare to do any such thing on Daisy. + There’s the Captain’s horse, Black George, I’ve heard say that Captain Qui—’ + </p> + <p> + She never finished the word, for, maddened by the continual recurrence of + that odious monosyllable, I shouted to her to ‘hold tight by my waist,’ + and, giving Daisy the spur, in a minute sprang with Nora over the parapet + into the deep water below. I don’t know why, now—whether it was I + wanted to drown myself and Nora, or to perform an act that even Captain + Quin should crane at, or whether I fancied that the enemy actually was in + front of us, I can’t tell now; but over I went. The horse sank over his + head, the girl screamed as she sank and screamed as she rose, and I landed + her, half fainting, on the shore, where we were soon found by my uncle’s + people, who returned on hearing the screams. I went home, and was ill + speedily of a fever, which kept me to my bed for six weeks; and I quitted + my couch prodigiously increased in stature, and, at the same time, still + more violently in love than I had been even before. At the commencement of + my illness, Miss Nora had been pretty constant in her attendance at my + bedside, forgetting, for the sake of me, the quarrel between my mother and + her family; which my good mother was likewise pleased, in the most + Christian manner, to forget. And, let me tell you, it was no small mark of + goodness in a woman of her haughty disposition, who, as a rule, never + forgave anybody, for my sake to give up her hostility to Miss Brady, and + to receive her kindly. For, like a mad boy as I was, it was Nora I was + always raving about and asking for; I would only accept medicines from her + hand, and would look rudely and sulkily upon the good mother, who loved me + better than anything else in the world, and gave up even her favourite + habits, and proper and becoming jealousies, to make me happy. + </p> + <p> + As I got well, I saw that Nora’s visits became daily more rare: ‘Why don’t + she come?’ I would say, peevishly, a dozen times in the day; in reply to + which query, Mrs. Barry would be obliged to make the best excuses she + could find,—such as that Nora had sprained her ankle, or that they + had quarrelled together, or some other answer to soothe me. And many a + time has the good soul left me to go and break her heart in her own room + alone, and come back with a smiling face, so that I should know nothing of + her mortification. Nor, indeed, did I take much pains to ascertain it: nor + should I, I fear, have been very much touched even had I discovered it; + for the commencement of manhood, I think, is the period of our extremest + selfishness. We get such a desire then to take wing and leave the parent + nest, that no tears, entreaties, or feelings of affection will + counter-balance this overpowering longing after independence. She must + have been very sad, that poor mother of mine—Heaven be good to her!—at + that period of my life; and has often told me since what a pang of the + heart it was to her to see all her care and affection of years forgotten + by me in a minute, and for the sake of a little heartless jilt, who was + only playing with me while she could get no better suitor. For the fact + is, that during the last four weeks of my illness, no other than Captain + Quin was staying at Castle Brady, and making love to Miss Nora in form. My + mother did not dare to break this news to me, and you may be sure that + Nora herself kept it a secret: it was only by chance that I discovered it. + </p> + <p> + Shall I tell you how? The minx had been to see me one day, as I sat up in + my bed, convalescent; she was in such high spirits, and so gracious and + kind to me, that my heart poured over with joy and gladness, and I had + even for my poor mother a kind word and a kiss that morning. I felt myself + so well that I ate up a whole chicken, and promised my uncle, who had come + to see me, to be ready against partridge-shooting, to accompany him, as my + custom was. + </p> + <p> + The next day but one was a Sunday, and I had a project for that day which + I determined to realise, in spite of all the doctor’s and my mother’s + injunctions: which were that I was on no account to leave the house, for + the fresh air would be the death of me. + </p> + <p> + Well, I lay wondrous quiet, composing a copy of verses, the first I ever + made in my life; and I give them here, spelt as I spelt them in those days + when I knew no better. And though they are not so polished and elegant as + ‘Ardelia ease a Love-sick Swain,’ and ‘When Sol bedecks the Daisied Mead,’ + and other lyrical effusions of mine which obtained me so much reputation + in after life, I still think them pretty good for a humble lad of fifteen:— + </p> + <p class="c"> + THE ROSE OF FLORA. + </p> + <p class="c"> + Sent by a Young Gentleman of Quality to Miss Brady, of Castle Brady. + </p> +<div class="poetry"><div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> + On Brady’s tower there grows a flower,<br /> + It is the loveliest flower that blows,—<br /> + At Castle Brady there lives a lady<br /> + (And how I love her no one knows):<br /> + Her name is Nora, and the goddess Flora<br /> + Presents her with this blooming rose.<br /> +</div><div class="stanza"> +‘O Lady Nora,’ says the goddess Flora,<br /> + ‘I’ve many a rich and bright parterre;<br /> + In Brady’s towers there’s seven more flowers,<br /> + But you’re the fairest lady there:<br /> + Not all the county, nor Ireland’s bounty,<br /> + Can projuice a treasure that’s half so fair!<br /> +</div><div class="stanza"> + What cheek is redder? sure roses fed her!<br /> + Her hair is maregolds, and her eye of blew<br /> + Beneath her eyelid is like the vi’let,<br /> + That darkly glistens with gentle jew?<br /> + The lily’s nature is not surely whiter<br /> + Than Nora’s neck is,—and her arrums too.<br /> +</div><div class="stanza"> +‘Come, gentle Nora,’ says the goddess Flora,<br /> + ‘My dearest creature, take my advice,<br /> + There is a poet, full well you know it,<br /> + Who spends his lifetime in heavy sighs,—<br /> + Young Redmond Barry, ‘tis him you’ll marry,<br /> + If rhyme and raisin you’d choose likewise.’ + </div></div></div> + + <p> + On Sunday, no sooner was my mother gone to church, than I summoned Phil + the valet, and insisted upon his producing my best suit, in which I + arrayed myself (although I found that I had shot up so in my illness that + the old dress was wofully too small for me), and, with my notable copy of + verses in my hand, ran down towards Castle Brady, bent upon beholding my + beauty. The air was so fresh and bright, and the birds sang so loud amidst + the green trees, that I felt more elated than I had been for months + before, and sprang down the avenue (my uncle had cut down every stick of + the trees, by the way) as brisk as a young fawn. My heart began to thump + as I mounted the grass-grown steps of the terrace, and passed in by the + rickety hall-door. The master and mistress were at church, Mr. Screw the + butler told me (after giving a start back at seeing my altered appearance, + and gaunt lean figure), and so were six of the young ladies. + </p> + <p> + ‘Was Miss Nora one?’ I asked. + </p> + <p> + ‘No, Miss Nora was not one,’ said Mr. Screw, assuming a very puzzled, and + yet knowing look. + </p> + <p> + ‘Where was she?’ To this question he answered, or rather made believe to + answer, with usual Irish ingenuity, and left me to settle whether she was + gone to Kilwangan on the pillion behind her brother, or whether she and + her sister had gone for a walk, or whether she was ill in her room; and + while I was settling this query, Mr. Screw left me abruptly. + </p> + <p> + I rushed away to the back court, where the Castle Brady stables stand, and + there I found a dragoon whistling the ‘Roast Beef of Old England,’ as he + cleaned down a cavalry horse. ‘Whose horse, fellow, is that?’ cried I. + </p> + <p> + ‘Feller, indeed!’ replied the Englishman: ‘the horse belongs to my + captain, and he’s a better FELLER nor you any day.’ + </p> + <p> + I did not stop to break his bones, as I would on another occasion, for a + horrible suspicion had come across me, and I made for the garden as + quickly as I could. + </p> + <p> + I knew somehow what I should see there. I saw Captain Quin and Nora pacing + the alley together. Her arm was under his, and the scoundrel was fondling + and squeezing the hand which lay closely nestling against his odious + waistcoat. Some distance beyond them was Captain Fagan of the Kilwangan + regiment, who was paying court to Nora’s sister Mysie. + </p> + <p> + I am not afraid of any man or ghost; but as I saw that sight my knees fell + a-trembling violently under me, and such a sickness came over me, that I + was fain to sink down on the grass by a tree against which I leaned, and + lost almost all consciousness for a minute or two: then I gathered myself + up, and, advancing towards the couple on the walk, loosened the blade of + the little silver-hilted hanger I always wore in its scabbard; for I was + resolved to pass it through the bodies of the delinquents, and spit them + like two pigeons. I don’t tell what feelings else besides those of rage + were passing through my mind; what bitter blank disappointment, what mad + wild despair, what a sensation as if the whole world was tumbling from + under me; I make no doubt that my reader hath been jilted by the ladies + many times, and so bid him recall his own sensations when the shock first + fell upon him. + </p> + <p> + ‘No, Norelia,’ said the Captain (for it was the fashion of those times for + lovers to call themselves by the most romantic names out of novels), + ‘except for you and four others, I vow before all the gods, my heart has + never felt the soft flame!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Ah! you men, you men, Eugenio!’ said she (the beast’s name was John), + ‘your passion is not equal to ours. We are like—like some plant I’ve + read of—we bear but one flower and then we die!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Do you mean you never felt an inclination for another?’ said Captain + Quin. + </p> + <p> + ‘Never, my Eugenio, but for thee! How can you ask a blushing nymph such a + question?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Darling Norelia!’ said he, raising her hand to his lips. + </p> + <p> + I had a knot of cherry-coloured ribands, which she had given me out of her + breast, and which somehow I always wore upon me. I pulled these out of my + bosom, and flung them in Captain Quin’s face, and rushed out with my + little sword drawn, shrieking, ‘She’s a liar—she’s a liar, Captain + Quin! Draw, sir, and defend yourself, if you are a man!’ and with these + words I leapt at the monster, and collared him, while Nora made the air + echo with her screams; at the sound of which the other captain and Mysie + hastened up. + </p> + <p> + Although I sprang up like a weed in my illness, and was now nearly + attained to my full growth of six feet, yet I was but a lath by the side + of the enormous English captain, who had calves and shoulders such as no + chairman at Bath ever boasted. He turned very red, and then exceedingly + pale at my attack upon him, and slipped back and clutched at his sword—when + Nora, in an agony of terror, flung herself round him, screaming, ‘Eugenio! + Captain Quin, for Heaven’s sake spare the child—he is but an + infant.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘And ought to be whipped for his impudence,’ said the Captain; ‘but never + fear, Miss Brady, I shall not touch him; your FAVOURITE is safe from me.’ + So saying, he stooped down and picked up the bunch of ribands which had + fallen at Nora’s feet, and handing it to her, said in a sarcastic tone, + ‘When ladies make presents to gentlemen, it is time for OTHER gentlemen to + retire.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Good heavens, Quin!’ cried the girl; ‘he is but a boy.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I am a man,’ roared I, ‘and will prove it.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘And don’t signify any more than my parrot or lap-dog. Mayn’t I give a bit + of riband to my own cousin?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘You are perfectly welcome, miss,’ continued the Captain, ‘as many yards + as you like.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Monster!’ exclaimed the dear girl; ‘your father was a tailor, and you are + always thinking of the shop. But I’ll have my revenge, I will! Reddy, will + you see me insulted?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Indeed, Miss Nora,’ says I, ‘I intend to have his blood as sure as my + name’s Redmond.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I’ll send for the usher to cane you, little boy,’ said the Captain, + regaining his self-possession; ‘but as for you, miss, I have the honour to + wish you a good-day.’ + </p> + <p> + He took off his hat with much ceremony, made a low CONGE, and was just + walking off, when Mick, my cousin, came up, whose ear had likewise been + caught by the scream. + </p> + <p> + ‘Hoity-toity! Jack Quin, what’s the matter here?’ says Mick; ‘Nora in + tears, Redmond’s ghost here with his sword drawn, and you making a bow?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I’ll tell you what it is, Mr. Brady,’ said the Englishman: ‘I have had + enough of Miss Nora, here, and your Irish ways. I ain’t used to ‘em, sir.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Well, well! what is it?’ said Mick good-humouredly (for he owed Quin a + great deal of money as it turned out); ‘we’ll make you used to our ways, + or adopt English ones.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘It’s not the English way for ladies to have two lovers’ (the ‘Henglish + way,’ as the captain called it), ‘and so, Mr. Brady, I’ll thank you to pay + me the sum you owe me, and I’ll resign all claims to this young lady. If + she has a fancy for schoolboys, let her take ‘em, sir.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Pooh, pooh! Quin, you are joking,’ said Mick. + </p> + <p> + ‘I never was more in earnest,’ replied the other. + </p> + <p> + ‘By Heaven, then, look to yourself!’ shouted Mick. ‘Infamous seducer! + infernal deceiver!—you come and wind your toils round this suffering + angel here—you win her heart and leave her—and fancy her + brother won’t defend her? Draw this minute, you slave! and let me cut the + wicked heart out of your body!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘This is regular assassination,’ said Quin, starting back; ‘there’s two on + ‘em on me at once. Fagan, you won’t let ‘em murder me?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Faith!’ said Captain Fagan, who seemed mightily amused, ‘you may settle + your own quarrel, Captain Quin;’ and coming over to me, whispered, ‘At him + again, you little fellow.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘As long as Mr. Quin withdraws his claim,’ said I, ‘I, of course, do not + interfere.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I do, sir—I do,’ said Mr. Quin, more and more flustered. + </p> + <p> + ‘Then defend yourself like a man, curse you!’ cried Mick again. ‘Mysie, + lead this poor victim away—Redmond and Fagan will see fair play + between us.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Well now—I don’t—give me time—I’m puzzled—I—I + don’t know which way to look.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Like the donkey betwixt the two bundles of hay,’ said Mr. Fagan drily, + ‘and there’s pretty pickings on either side.’ + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0002" id="link2HCH0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER II. I SHOW MYSELF TO BE A MAN OF SPIRIT + </h2> + <p> + During this dispute, my cousin Nora did the only thing that a lady, under + such circumstances, could do, and fainted in due form. I was in hot + altercation with Mick at the time, or I should have, of course, flown to + her assistance, but Captain Fagan (a dry sort of fellow this Fagan was) + prevented me, saying, ‘I advise you to leave the young lady to herself, + Master Redmond, and be sure she will come to.’ And so indeed, after a + while, she did, which has shown me since that Fagan knew the world pretty + well, for many’s the lady I’ve seen in after times recover in a similar + manner. Quin did not offer to help her, you may be sure, for, in the midst + of the diversion, caused by her screaming, the faithless bully stole away. + </p> + <p> + ‘Which of us is Captain Quin to engage?’ said I to Mick; for it was my + first affair, and I was as proud of it as of a suit of laced velvet. ‘Is + it you or I, Cousin Mick, that is to have the honour of chastising this + insolent Englishman?’ And I held out my hand as I spoke, for my heart + melted towards my cousin under the triumph of the moment. + </p> + <p> + But he rejected the proffered offer of friendship. ‘You—you!’ said + he, in a towering passion; ‘hang you for a meddling brat: your hand is in + everybody’s pie. What business had you to come brawling and quarrelling + here, with a gentleman who has fifteen hundred a year?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Oh,’ gasped Nora, from the stone bench, ‘I shall die: I know I shall. I + shall never leave this spot.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘The Captain’s not gone yet,’ whispered Fagan; on which Nora, giving him + an indignant look, jumped up and walked towards the house. + </p> + <p> + ‘Meanwhile,’ Mick continued, ‘what business have you, you meddling rascal, + to interfere with a daughter of this house?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Rascal yourself!’ roared I: ‘call me another such name, Mick Brady, and + I’ll drive my hanger into your weasand. Recollect, I stood to you when I + was eleven years old. I’m your match now, and, by Jove, provoke me, and + I’ll beat you like—like your younger brother always did.’ That was a + home-cut, and I saw Mick turn blue with fury. + </p> + <p> + ‘This is a pretty way to recommend yourself to the family,’ said Fagan, in + a soothing tone. + </p> + <p> + ‘The girl’s old enough to be his mother,’ growled Mick. + </p> + <p> + ‘Old or not,’ I replied: ‘you listen to this, Mick Brady’ (and I swore a + tremendous oath, that need not be put down here): ‘the man that marries + Nora Brady must first kill me—do you mind that?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Pooh, sir,’ said Mick, turning away, ‘kill you—flog you, you mean! + I’ll send for Nick the huntsman to do it;’ and so he went off. + </p> + <p> + Captain Fagan now came up, and taking me kindly by the hand, said I was a + gallant lad, and he liked my spirit. ‘But what Brady says is true,’ + continued he; ‘it’s a hard thing to give a lad counsel who is in such a + far-gone state as you; but, believe me, I know the world, and if you will + but follow my advice, you won’t regret having taken it. Nora Brady has not + a penny; you are not a whit richer. You are but fifteen, and she’s + four-and-twenty. In ten years, when you’re old enough to marry, she will + be an old woman; and, my poor boy, don’t you see—though it’s a hard + matter to see—that she’s a flirt, and does not care a pin for you or + Quin either?’ + </p> + <p> + But who in love (or in any other point, for the matter of that) listens to + advice? I never did, and I told Captain Fagan fairly, that Nora might love + me or not as she liked, but that Quin should fight me before he married + her—that I swore. + </p> + <p> + ‘Faith,’ says Fagan, ‘I think you are a lad that’s likely to keep your + word;’ and, looking hard at me for a second or two, he walked away + likewise, humming a tune: and I saw he looked back at me as he went + through the old gate out of the garden. When he was gone, and I was quite + alone, I flung myself down on the bench where Nora had made believe to + faint, and had left her handkerchief; and, taking it up, hid my face in + it, and burst into such a passion of tears as I would then have had nobody + see for the world. The crumpled riband which I had flung at Quin lay in + the walk, and I sat there for hours, as wretched as any man in Ireland, I + believe, for the time being. But it’s a changeable world! When we consider + how great our sorrows SEEM, and how small they ARE; how we think we shall + die of grief, and how quickly we forget, I think we ought to be ashamed of + ourselves and our fickle-heartedness. For, after all, what business has + time to bring us consolation? I have not, perhaps, in the course of my + multifarious adventures and experience, hit upon the right woman; and have + forgotten, after a little, every single creature I adored; but I think, if + I could but have lighted on the right one, I would have loved her for + EVER. + </p> + <p> + I must have sat for some hours bemoaning myself on the garden bench, for + it was morning when I came to Castle Brady, and the dinner-bell clanged as + usual at three o’clock, which wakened me up from my reverie. Presently I + gathered up the handkerchief, and once more took the riband. As I passed + through the offices, I saw the Captain’s saddle was still hanging up at + the stable-door, and saw his odious red-coated brute of a servant + swaggering with the scullion-girls and kitchen-people. ‘The Englishman’s + still there, Master Redmond,’ said one of the maids to me (a sentimental + black-eyed girl, who waited on the young ladies). ‘He’s there in the + parlour, with the sweetest fillet of vale; go in, and don’t let him + browbeat you, Master Redmond.’ + </p> + <p> + And in I went, and took my place at the bottom of the big table, as usual, + and my friend the butler speedily brought me a cover. + </p> + <p> + ‘Hallo, Reddy my boy!’ said my uncle, ‘up and well?—that’s right.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘He’d better be home with his mother,’ growled my aunt. + </p> + <p> + ‘Don’t mind her,’ says Uncle Brady; ‘it’s the cold goose she ate at + breakfast didn’t agree with her. Take a glass of spirits, Mrs. Brady, to + Redmond’s health.’ It was evident he did not know of what had happened; + but Mick, who was at dinner too, and Ulick, and almost all the girls, + looked exceedingly black, and the Captain foolish; and Miss Nora, who was + again by his side, ready to cry. Captain Fagan sat smiling; and I looked + on as cold as a stone. I thought the dinner would choke me: but I was + determined to put a good face on it, and when the cloth was drawn, filled + my glass with the rest; and we drank the King and the Church, as gentlemen + should. My uncle was in high good-humour, and especially always joking + with Nora and the Captain. It was, ‘Nora, divide that merry-thought with + the Captain! see who’ll be married first.’ ‘Jack Quin, my dear boy, never + mind a clean glass for the claret, we’re short of crystal at Castle Brady; + take Nora’s and the wine will taste none the worse;’ and so on. He was in + the highest glee,—I did not know why. Had there been a + reconciliation between the faithless girl and her lover since they had + come into the house? + </p> + <p> + I learned the truth very soon. At the third toast, it was always the + custom for the ladies to withdraw; but my uncle stopped them this time, in + spite of the remonstrances of Nora, who said, ‘Oh, pa! do let us go!’ and + said, ‘No, Mrs. Brady and ladies, if you plaise; this is a sort of toast + that is drunk a great dale too seldom in my family, and you’ll plaise to + receive it with all the honours. Here’s CAPTAIN AND MRS. JOHN QUIN, and + long life to them. Kiss her, Jack, you rogue: for ‘faith you’ve got a + treasure!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘He has already ‘——I screeched out, springing up. + </p> + <p> + ‘Hold your tongue, you fool—hold your tongue!’ said big Ulick, who + sat by me; but I wouldn’t hear. + </p> + <p> + ‘He has already,’ I screamed, ‘been slapped in the face this morning, + Captain John Quin; he’s already been called coward, Captain John Quin; and + this is the way I’ll drink his health. Here’s your health, Captain John + Quin!’ And I flung a glass of claret into his face. I don’t know how he + looked after it, for the next moment I myself was under the table, tripped + up by Ulick, who hit me a violent cuff on the head as I went down; and I + had hardly leisure to hear the general screaming and skurrying that was + taking place above me, being so fully occupied with kicks, and thumps, and + curses, with which Ulick was belabouring me. ‘You fool!’ roared he—’ + you great blundering marplot—you silly beggarly brat’ (a thump at + each), ‘hold your tongue!’ These blows from Ulick, of course, I did not + care for, for he had always been my friend, and had been in the habit of + thrashing me all my life. + </p> + <p> + When I got up from under the table all the ladies were gone; and I had the + satisfaction of seeing the Captain’s nose was bleeding, as mine was—HIS + was cut across the bridge, and his beauty spoiled for ever. Ulick shook + himself, sat down quietly, filled a bumper, and pushed the bottle to me. + ‘There, you young donkey,’ said he, ‘sup that; and let’s hear no more of + your braying.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘In Heaven’s name, what does all the row mean?’ says my uncle. ‘Is the boy + in the fever again?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘It’s all your fault,’ said Mick sulkily: ‘yours and those who brought him + here.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Hold your noise, Mick!’ says Ulick, turning on him; ‘speak civil of my + father and me, and don’t let me be called upon to teach you manners.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘It IS your fault,’ repeated Mick. ‘What business has the vagabond here? + If I had my will, I’d have him flogged and turned out.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘And so he should be,’ said Captain Quin. + </p> + <p> + ‘You’d best not try it, Quin,’ said Ulick, who was always my champion; and + turning to his father, ‘The fact is, sir, that the young monkey has fallen + in love with Nora, and finding her and the Captain mighty sweet in the + garden to-day, he was for murdering Jack Quin.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Gad, he’s beginning young,’ said my uncle, quite good-humouredly. + ‘’Faith, Fagan, that boy’s a Brady, every inch of him.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘And I’ll tell you what, Mr. B.,’ cried Quin, bristling up: ‘I’ve been + insulted grossly in this ‘OUSE. I ain’t at all satisfied with these here + ways of going on. I’m an Englishman I am, and a man of property; and I—I’—‘If + you’re insulted, and not satisfied, remember there’s two of us, Quin,’ + said Ulick gruffly. On which the Captain fell to washing his nose in + water, and answered never a word. + </p> + <p> + ‘Mr. Quin,’ said I, in the most dignified tone I could assume, ‘may also + have satisfaction any time he pleases, by calling on Redmond Barry, + Esquire, of Barryville.’ At which speech my uncle burst out a-laughing (as + he did at everything); and in this laugh, Captain Fagan, much to my + mortification, joined. I turned rather smartly upon him, however, and bade + him to understand that as for my cousin Ulick, who had been my best friend + through life, I could put up with rough treatment from him; yet, though I + was a boy, even that sort of treatment I would bear from him no longer; + and any other person who ventured on the like would find me a man, to + their cost. ‘Mr. Quin,’ I added, ‘knows that fact very well; and if HE’S a + man, he’ll know where to find me.’ + </p> + <p> + My uncle now observed that it was getting late, and that my mother would + be anxious about me. ‘One of you had better go home with him,’ said he, + turning to his sons, ‘or the lad may be playing more pranks.’ But Ulick + said, with a nod to his brother, ‘Both of us ride home with Quin here.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I’m not afraid of Freny’s people,’ said the Captain, with a faint attempt + at a laugh; ‘my man is armed, and so am I.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘You know the use of arms very well, Quin,’ said Ulick; ‘and no one can + doubt your courage; but Mick and I will see you home for all that.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Why, you’ll not be home till morning, boys. Kilwangan’s a good ten mile + from here.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘We’ll sleep at Quin’s quarters,’ replied Ulick: ‘WE’RE GOING TO STOP A + WEEK THERE.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Thank you,’ says Quin, very faint; ‘it’s very kind of you.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘You’ll be lonely, you know, without us.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Oh yes, very lonely!’ says Quin. + </p> + <p> + ‘And in ANOTHER WEEK, my boy,’ says Ulick (and here he whispered something + in the Captain’s ear, in which I thought I caught the words ‘marriage,’ + ‘parson,’ and felt all my fury returning again). + </p> + <p> + ‘As you please,’ whined out the Captain; and the horses were quickly + brought round, and the three gentlemen rode away. + </p> + <p> + Fagan stopped, and, at my uncle’s injunction, walked across the old + treeless park with me. He said that after the quarrel at dinner, he + thought I would scarcely want to see the ladies that night, in which + opinion I concurred entirely; and so we went off without an adieu. + </p> + <p> + ‘A pretty day’s work of it you have made, Master Redmond,’ said he. ‘What! + you a friend to the Bradys, and knowing your uncle to be distressed for + money, try and break off a match which will bring fifteen hundred a year + into the family? Quin has promised to pay off the four thousand pounds + which is bothering your uncle so. He takes a girl without a penny—a + girl with no more beauty than yonder bullock. Well, well, don’t look + furious; let’s say she IS handsome—there’s no accounting for tastes,—a + girl that has been flinging herself at the head of every man in these + parts these ten years past, and MISSING them all. And you, as poor as + herself, a boy of fifteen—well, sixteen, if you insist—and a + boy who ought to be attached to your uncle as to your father’— + </p> + <p> + ‘And so I am,’ said I. + </p> + <p> + ‘And this is the return you make him for his kindness! Didn’t he harbour + you in his house when you were an orphan, and hasn’t he given you + rent-free your fine mansion of Barryville yonder? And now, when his + affairs can be put into order, and a chance offers for his old age to be + made comfortable, who flings himself in the way of him and competence?—You, + of all others; the man in the world most obliged to him. It’s wicked, + ungrateful, unnatural. From a lad of such spirit as you are, I expect a + truer courage.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I am not afraid of any man alive,’ exclaimed I (for this latter part of + the Captain’s argument had rather staggered me, and I wished, of course, + to turn it—as one always should when the enemy’s too strong); ‘and + it’s <i>I</i> am the injured man, Captain Fagan. No man was ever, since + the world began, treated so. Look here—look at this riband. I’ve + worn it in my heart for six months. I’ve had it there all the time of the + fever. Didn’t Nora take it out of her own bosom and give it me? Didn’t she + kiss me when she gave it me, and call me her darling Redmond?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘She was PRACTISING,’ replied Mr. Fagan, with a sneer. ‘I know women, sir. + Give them time, and let nobody else come to the house, and they’ll fall in + love with a chimney-sweep. There was a young lady in Fermoy’— + </p> + <p> + ‘A young lady in flames,’ roared I (but I used a still hotter word). ‘Mark + this; come what will of it, I swear I’ll fight the man who pretends to the + hand of Nora Brady. I’ll follow him, if it’s into the church, and meet him + there. I’ll have his blood, or he shall have mine; and this riband shall + be found dyed in it. Yes, and if I kill him, I’ll pin it on his breast, + and then she may go and take back her token.’ This I said because I was + very much excited at the time, and because I had not read novels and + romantic plays for nothing. + </p> + <p> + ‘Well,’ says Fagan after a pause, ‘if it must be, it must. For a young + fellow, you are the most blood-thirsty I ever saw. Quin’s a determined + fellow, too.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Will you take my message to him?’ said I, quite eagerly. + </p> + <p> + ‘Hush!’ said Fagan: ‘your mother may be on the look-out. Here we are, + close to Barryville.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Mind! not a word to my mother,’ I said; and went into the house swelling + with pride and exultation to think that I should have a chance against the + Englishman I hated so. + </p> + <p> + Tim, my servant, had come up from Barryville on my mother’s return from + church; for the good lady was rather alarmed at my absence, and anxious + for my return. But he had seen me go in to dinner, at the invitation of + the sentimental lady’s-maid; and when he had had his own share of the good + things in the kitchen, which was always better furnished than ours at + home, had walked back again to inform his mistress where I was, and, no + doubt, to tell her, in his own fashion, of all the events that had + happened at Castle Brady. In spite of my precautions to secrecy, then, I + half suspected that my mother knew all, from the manner in which she + embraced me on my arrival, and received our guest, Captain Fagan. The poor + soul looked a little anxious and flushed, and every now and then gazed + very hard in the Captain’s face; but she said not a word about the + quarrel, for she had a noble spirit, and would as lief have seen anyone of + her kindred hanged as shirking from the field of honour. What has become + of those gallant feelings nowadays? Sixty years ago a man was a MAN, in + old Ireland, and the sword that was worn by his side was at the service of + any gentleman’s gizzard, upon the slightest difference. But the good old + times and usages are fast fading away. One scarcely every hears of a fair + meeting now, and the use of those cowardly pistols, in place of the + honourable and manly weapon of gentlemen, has introduced a deal of knavery + into the practice of duelling, that cannot be sufficiently deplored. + </p> + <p> + When I arrived at home I felt that I was a man in earnest, and welcoming + Captain Fagan to Barryville, and introducing him to my mother, in a + majestic and dignified way, said the Captain must be thirsty after his + walk, and called upon Tim to bring up a bottle of the yellow-sealed + Bordeaux, and cakes and glasses, immediately. + </p> + <p> + Tim looked at the mistress in great wonderment: and the fact is, that six + hours previous I would as soon have thought of burning the house down as + calling for a bottle of claret on my own account; but I felt I was a man + now, and had a right to command; and my mother felt this too, for she + turned to the fellow and said, sharply, ‘Don’t you hear, you rascal, what + YOUR MASTER says! Go, get the wine, and the cakes and glasses, directly.’ + Then (for you may be sure she did not give Tim the keys of our little + cellar) she went and got the liquor herself; and Tim brought it in, on the + silver tray, in due form. My dear mother poured out the wine, and drank + the Captain welcome; but I observed her hand shook very much as she + performed this courteous duty, and the bottle went clink, clink, against + the glass. When she had tasted her glass, she said she had a headache, and + would go to bed; and so I asked her blessing, as becomes a dutiful son—(the + modern BLOODS have given up the respectful ceremonies which distinguished + a gentleman in my time)—and she left me and Captain Fagan to talk + over our important business. + </p> + <p> + ‘Indeed,’ said the Captain,’ I see now no other way out of the scrape than + a meeting. The fact is, there was a talk of it at Castle Brady, after your + attack upon Quin this afternoon, and he vowed that he would cut you in + pieces: but the tears and supplications of Miss Honoria induced him, + though very unwillingly, to relent. Now, however, matters have gone too + far. No officer, bearing His Majesty’s commission, can receive a glass of + wine on his nose—this claret of yours is very good, by the way, and + by your leave we’ll ring for another bottle—without resenting the + affront. Fight you must; and Quin is a huge strong fellow.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘He’ll give the better mark,’ said I. ‘I am not afraid of him.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘In faith,’ said the Captain,’ I believe you are not; for a lad, I never + saw more game in my life.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Look at that sword, sir,’ says I, pointing to an elegant silver-mounted + one, in a white shagreen case, that hung on the mantelpiece, under the + picture of my father, Harry Barry. ‘It was with that sword, sir, that my + father pinked Mohawk O’Driscol, in Dublin, in the year 1740; with that + sword, sir, he met Sir Huddlestone Fuddlestone, the Hampshire baronet, and + ran him through the neck. They met on horseback, with sword and pistol, on + Hounslow Heath, as I dare say you have heard tell of, and those are the + pistols’ (they hung on each side of the picture) ‘which the gallant Barry + used. He was quite in the wrong, having insulted Lady Fuddlestone, when in + liquor, at the Brentford assembly. But, like a gentleman, he scorned to + apologise, and Sir Huddlestone received a ball through his hat, before + they engaged with the sword. I am Harry Barry’s son, sir, and will act as + becomes my name and my quality.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Give me a kiss, my dear boy,’ said Fagan, with tears in his eyes. ‘You’re + after my own soul. As long as Jack Fagan lives you shall never want a + friend or a second.’ + </p> + <p> + Poor fellow! he was shot six months afterwards, carrying orders to my Lord + George Sackville, at Minden, and I lost thereby a kind friend. But we + don’t know what is in store for us, and that night was a merry one at + least. We had a second bottle, and a third too (I could hear the poor + mother going downstairs for each, but she never came into the parlour with + them, and sent them in by the butler, Mr. Tim): and we parted at length, + he engaging to arrange matters with Mr. Quin’s second that night, and to + bring me news in the morning as to the place where the meeting should take + place. I have often thought since, how different my fate might have been, + had I not fallen in love with Nora at that early age; and had I not flung + the wine in Quin’s face, and so brought on the duel. I might have settled + down in Ireland but for that (for Miss Quinlan was an heiress, within + twenty miles of us, and Peter Burke, of Kilwangan, left his daughter Judy + L700 a year, and I might have had either of them, had I waited a few + years). But it was in my fate to be a wanderer, and that battle with Quin + sent me on my travels at a very early age: as you shall hear anon. + </p> + <p> + I never slept sounder in my life, though I woke a little earlier than + usual; and you may be sure my first thought was of the event of the day, + for which I was fully prepared. I had ink and pen in my room—had I + not been writing those verses to Nora but the day previous, like a poor + fond fool as I was? And now I sat down and wrote a couple of letters more: + they might be the last, thought I, that I ever should write in my life. + The first was to my mother:— + </p> + <p> + ‘Honoured Madam’—I wrote—‘This will not be given you unless I + fall by the hand of Captain Quin, whom I meet this day in the field of + honour, with sword and pistol. If I die, it is as a good Christian and a + gentleman,—how should I be otherwise when educated by such a mother + as you? I forgive all my enemies—I beg your blessing as a dutiful + son. I desire that my mare Nora, which my uncle gave me, and which I + called after the most faithless of her sex, may be returned to Castle + Brady, and beg you will give my silver-hiked hanger to Phil Purcell, the + gamekeeper. Present my duty to my uncle and Ulick, and all the girls of MY + party there. And I remain your dutiful son, + </p> + <p> + ‘REDMOND BARRY.’ + </p> + <p> + To Nora I wrote:— + </p> + <p> + ‘This letter will be found in my bosom along with the token you gave me. + It will be dyed in my blood (unless I have Captain Quin’s, whom I hate, + but forgive), and will be a pretty ornament for you on your marriage-day. + Wear it, and think of the poor boy to whom you gave it, and who died (as + he was always ready to do) for your sake. + </p> + <p> + ‘REDMOND.’ + </p> + <p> + These letters being written, and sealed with my father’s great silver seal + of the Barry arms, I went down to breakfast; where my mother was waiting + for me, you may be sure. We did not say a single word about what was + taking place: on the contrary, we talked of anything but that; about who + was at church the day before, and about my wanting new clothes now I was + grown so tall. She said I must have a suit against winter, if—if—she + could afford it. She winced rather at the ‘if,’ Heaven bless her! I knew + what was in her mind. And then she fell to telling me about the black pig + that must be killed, and that she had found the speckled hen’s nest that + morning, whose eggs I liked so, and other such trifling talk. Some of + these eggs were for breakfast, and I ate them with a good appetite; but in + helping myself to salt I spilled it, on which she started up with a + scream. ‘THANK GOD,’ said she, ‘IT’S FALLEN TOWARDS ME.’ And then, her + heart being too full, she left the room. Ah! they have their faults, those + mothers; but are there any other women like them? + </p> + <p> + When she was gone I went to take down the sword with which my father had + vanquished the Hampshire baronet, and, would you believe it?—the + brave woman had tied A NEW RIBAND to the hilt: for indeed she had the + courage of a lioness and a Brady united. And then I took down the pistols, + which were always kept bright and well oiled, and put some fresh flints I + had into the locks, and got balls and powder ready against the Captain + should come. There was claret and a cold fowl put ready for him on the + sideboard, and a case-bottle of old brandy too, with a couple of little + glasses on the silver tray with the Barry arms emblazoned. In after life, + and in the midst of my fortune and splendour, I paid thirty-five guineas, + and almost as much more interest, to the London goldsmith who supplied my + father with that very tray. A scoundrel pawnbroker would only give me + sixteen for it afterwards; so little can we trust the honour of rascally + tradesmen! + </p> + <p> + At eleven o’clock Captain Fagan arrived, on horseback, with a mounted + dragoon after him. He paid his compliments to the collation which my + mother’s care had provided for him, and then said, ‘Look ye, Redmond my + boy; this is a silly business. The girl will marry Quin, mark my words; + and as sure as she does you’ll forget her. You are but a boy. Quin is + willing to consider you as such. Dublin’s a fine place, and if you have a + mind to take a ride thither and see the town for a month, here are twenty + guineas at your service. Make Quin an apology, and be off.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘A man of honour, Mr. Fagan,’ says I, ‘dies, but never apologises. I’ll + see the Captain hanged before I apologise.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Then there’s nothing for it but a meeting.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘My mare is saddled and ready,’ says I; ‘where’s the meeting, and who’s + the Captain’s second?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Your cousins go out with him,’ answered Mr. Fagan. + </p> + <p> + ‘I’ll ring for my groom to bring my mare round,’ I said, ‘as soon as you + have rested yourself.’ Tim was accordingly despatched for Nora, and I rode + away, but I didn’t take leave of Mrs. Barry. The curtains of her bedroom + windows were down, and they didn’t move as we mounted and trotted off... + BUT TWO HOURS AFTERWARDS, you should have seen her as she came tottering + downstairs, and heard the scream which she gave as she hugged her boy to + her heart, quite unharmed and without a wound in his body. + </p> + <p> + What had taken place I may as well tell here. When we got to the ground, + Ulick, Mick, and the Captain were already there: Quin, flaming in red + regimentals, as big a monster as ever led a grenadier company. The party + were laughing together at some joke of one or the other: and I must say I + thought this laughter very unbecoming in my cousins, who were met, + perhaps, to see the death of one of their kindred. + </p> + <p> + ‘I hope to spoil this sport,’ says I to Captain Fagan, in a great rage, + ‘and trust to see this sword of mine in yonder big bully’s body.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Oh! it’s with pistols we fight,’ replied Mr. Fagan. ‘You are no match for + Quin with the sword.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I’ll match any man with the sword,’ said I. + </p> + <p> + ‘But swords are to-day impossible; Captain Quin is—is lame. He + knocked his knee against the swinging park-gate last night, as he was + riding home, and can scarce move it now.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Not against Castle Brady gate,’ says I: ‘that has been off the hinges + these ten years.’ On which Fagan said it must have been some other gate, + and repeated what he had said to Mr. Quin and my cousins, when, on + alighting from our horses, we joined and saluted those gentlemen. + </p> + <p> + ‘Oh yes! dead lame,’ said Ulick, coming to shake me by the hand, while + Captain Quin took off his hat and turned extremely red. ‘And very lucky + for you, Redmond my boy,’ continued Ulick; ‘you were a dead man else; for + he is a devil of a fellow—isn’t he, Fagan?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘A regular Turk,’ answered Fagan; adding, ‘I never yet knew the man who + stood to Captain Quin.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Hang the business!’ said Ulick; ‘I hate it. I’m ashamed of it. Say you’re + sorry, Redmond: you can easily say that.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘If the young FELLER will go to DUBLING, as proposed’—here + interposed Mr. Quin. + </p> + <p> + ‘I am NOT sorry—I’ll NOT apologise—and I’ll as soon go to + DUBLING as to—!’ said I, with a stamp of my foot. + </p> + <p> + ‘There’s nothing else for it,’ said Ulick with a laugh to Fagan. ‘Take + your ground, Fagan,—twelve paces, I suppose?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Ten, sir,’ said Mr. Quin, in a big voice; ‘and make them short ones, do + you hear, Captain Fagan?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Don’t bully, Mr. Quin,’ said Ulick surlily; ‘here are the pistols.’ And + he added, with some emotion, to me, ‘God bless you, my boy; and when I + count three, fire.’ + </p> + <p> + Mr. Fagan put my pistol into my hand,—that is, not one of mine + (which were to serve, if need were, for the next round), but one of + Ulick’s. ‘They are all right,’ said he. ‘Never fear: and, Redmond, fire at + his neck—hit him there under the gorget. See how the fool shows + himself open.’ Mick, who had never spoken a word, Ulick, and the Captain + retired to one side, and Ulick gave the signal. It was slowly given, and I + had leisure to cover my man well. I saw him changing colour and trembling + as the numbers were given. At ‘three,’ both our pistols went off. I heard + something whizz by me, and my antagonist, giving a most horrible groan, + staggered backwards and fell. + </p> + <p> + ‘He’s down—he’s down!’ cried the seconds, running towards him. Ulick + lifted him up—Mick took his head. + </p> + <p> + ‘He’s hit here, in the neck,’ said Mick; and laying open his coat, blood + was seen gurgling from under his gorget, at the very spot at which I + aimed. + </p> + <p> + ‘How is it with you?’ said Ulick. ‘Is he really hit?’ said he, looking + hard at him. The unfortunate man did not answer, but when the support of + Ulick’s arm was withdrawn from his back, groaned once more, and fell + backwards. + </p> + <p> + ‘The young fellow has begun well,’ said Mick, with a scowl. ‘You had + better ride off, young sir, before the police are up. They had wind of the + business before we left Kilwangan.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Is he quite dead?’ said I. + </p> + <p> + ‘Quite dead,’ answered Mick. + </p> + <p> + ‘Then the world’s rid of A COWARD,’ said Captain Fagan, giving the huge + prostrate body a scornful kick with his foot. ‘It’s all over with him, + Reddy,—he doesn’t stir.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘WE are not cowards, Fagan,’ said Ulick roughly, ‘whatever he was! Let’s + get the boy off as quick as we may. Your man shall go for a cart, and take + away the body of this unhappy gentleman. This has been a sad day’s work + for our family, Redmond Barry: you have robbed us of 1500(pounds) a year.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘It was Nora did it,’ said I; ‘not I.’ And I took the riband she gave me + out of my waistcoat, and the letter, and flung them down on the body of + Captain Quin. ‘There!’ says I—‘take her those ribands. She’ll know + what they mean: and that’s all that’s left to her of two lovers she had + and ruined.’ + </p> + <p> + I did not feel any horror or fear, young as I was, in seeing my enemy + prostrate before me; for I knew that I had met and conquered him + honourably in the field, as became a man of my name and blood. + </p> + <p> + ‘And now, in Heaven’s name, get the youngster out of the way,’ said Mick. + </p> + <p> + Ulick said he would ride with me, and off accordingly we galloped, never + drawing bridle till we came to my mother’s door. When there, Ulick told + Tim to feed my mare, as I would have far to ride that day; and I was in + the poor mother’s arms in a minute. + </p> + <p> + I need not tell how great were her pride and exultation when she heard + from Ulick’s lips the account of my behaviour at the duel. He urged, + however, that I should go into hiding for a short time; and it was agreed + between them that I should drop my name of Barry, and, taking that of + Redmond, go to Dublin, and there wait until matters were blown over. This + arrangement was not come to without some discussion; for why should I not + be as safe at Barryville, she said, as my cousin and Ulick at Castle + Brady?—bailiffs and duns never got near THEM; why should constables + be enabled to come upon me? But Ulick persisted in the necessity of my + instant departure; in which argument, as I was anxious to see the world, I + must confess, I sided with him; and my mother was brought to see that in + our small house at Barryville, in the midst of the village, and with the + guard but of a couple of servants, escape would be impossible. So the kind + soul was forced to yield to my cousin’s entreaties, who promised her, + however, that the affair would soon be arranged, and that I should be + restored to her. Ah! how little did he know what fortune was in store for + me! + </p> + <p> + My dear mother had some forebodings, I think, that our separation was to + be a long one; for she told me that all night long she had been consulting + the cards regarding my fate in the duel: and that all the signs betokened + a separation; then, taking out a stocking from her escritoire, the kind + soul put twenty guineas in a purse for me (she had herself but + twenty-five), and made up a little valise, to be placed at the back of my + mare, in which were my clothes, linen, and a silver dressing-case of my + father’s. She bade me, too, to keep the sword and the pistols I had known + to use so like a man. She hurried my departure now (though her heart, I + know, was full), and almost in half-an-hour after my arrival at home I was + once more on the road again, with the wide world as it were before me. I + need not tell how Tim and the cook cried at my departure: and, mayhap, I + had a tear or two myself in my eyes; but no lad of sixteen is VERY sad who + has liberty for the first time, and twenty guineas in his pocket: and I + rode away, thinking, I confess, not so much of the kind mother left alone, + and of the home behind me, as of to-morrow, and all the wonders it would + bring. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0003" id="link2HCH0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER III. A FALSE START IN THE GENTEEL WORLD + </h2> + <p> + I rode that night as far as Carlow, where I lay at the best inn; and being + asked what was my name by the landlord of the house, gave it as Mr. + Redmond, according to my cousin’s instructions, and said I was of the + Redmonds of Waterford county, and was on my road to Trinity College, + Dublin, to be educated there. Seeing my handsome appearance, silver-hiked + sword, and well-filled valise, my landlord made free to send up a jug of + claret without my asking; and charged, you may be sure, pretty handsomely + for it in the bill. No gentleman in those good old days went to bed + without a good share of liquor to set him sleeping, and on this my first + day’s entrance into the world, I made a point to act the fine gentleman + completely; and, I assure you, succeeded in my part to admiration. The + excitement of the events of the day, the quitting my home, the meeting + with Captain Quin, were enough to set my brains in a whirl, without the + claret; which served to finish me completely. I did not dream of the death + of Quin, as some milksops, perhaps, would have done; indeed, I have never + had any of that foolish remorse consequent upon any of my affairs of + honour: always considering, from the first, that where a gentleman risks + his own life in manly combat, he is a fool to be ashamed because he wins. + I slept at Carlow as sound as man could sleep; drank a tankard of small + beer and a toast to my breakfast; and exchanged the first of my gold + pieces to settle the bill, not forgetting to pay all the servants + liberally, and as a gentleman should. I began so the first day of my life, + and so have continued. No man has been at greater straits than I, and has + borne more pinching poverty and hardship; but nobody can say of me that, + if I had a guinea, I was not free-handed with it, and did not spend it as + well as a lord could do. + </p> + <p> + I had no doubts of the future: thinking that a man of my person, parts, + and courage, could make his way anywhere. Besides, I had twenty gold + guineas in my pocket; a sum which (although I was mistaken) I calculated + would last me for four months at least, during which time something would + be done towards the making of my fortune. So I rode on, singing to myself, + or chatting with the passers-by; and all the girls along the road said God + save me for a clever gentleman! As for Nora and Castle Brady, between + to-day and yesterday there seemed to be a gap as of half-a-score of years. + I vowed I would never re-enter the place but as a great man; and I kept my + vow too, as you shall hear in due time. + </p> + <p> + There was much more liveliness and bustle on the king’s highroad in those + times, than in these days of stage-coaches, which carry you from one end + of the kingdom to another in a few score hours. The gentry rode their own + horses or drove in their own coaches, and spent three days on a journey + which now occupies ten hours; so that there was no lack of company for a + person travelling towards Dublin. I made part of the journey from Carlow + towards Naas with a well-armed gentleman from Kilkenny, dressed in green + and a gold cord, with a patch on his eye, and riding a powerful mare. He + asked me the question of the day, and whither I was bound, and whether my + mother was not afraid on account of the highwaymen to let one so young as + myself to travel? But I said, pulling out one of them from a holster, that + I had a pair of good pistols that had already done execution, and were + ready to do it again; and here, a pock-marked man coming up, he put spurs + into his bay mare and left me. She was a much more powerful animal than + mine; and, besides, I did not wish to fatigue my horse, wishing to enter + Dublin that night, and in reputable condition. + </p> + <p> + As I rode towards Kilcullen, I saw a crowd of the peasant-people assembled + round a one-horse chair, and my friend in green, as I thought, making off + half a mile up the hill. A footman was howling ‘Stop thief!’ at the top of + his voice; but the country fellows were only laughing at his distress, and + making all sorts of jokes at the adventure which had just befallen. + </p> + <p> + ‘Sure you might have kept him off with your blunderBUSH!’ says one fellow. + </p> + <p> + ‘Oh, the coward! to let the Captain BATE you; and he only one eye!’ cries + another. + </p> + <p> + ‘The next time my Lady travels, she’d better lave you at home!’ said a + third. + </p> + <p> + ‘What is this noise, fellows?’ said I, riding up amongst them, and, seeing + a lady in the carriage very pale and frightened, gave a slash of my whip, + and bade the red-shanked ruffians keep off. ‘What has happened, madam, to + annoy your Ladyship?’ I said, pulling off my hat, and bringing my mare up + in a prance to the chair window. + </p> + <p> + The lady explained. She was the wife of Captain Fitzsimons, and was + hastening to join the Captain at Dublin. Her chair had been stopped by a + highway-man: the great oaf of a servant-man had fallen down on his knees + armed as he was; and though there were thirty people in the next field + working when the ruffian attacked her, not one of them would help her; + but, on the contrary, wished the Captain, as they called the highwayman, + good luck. + </p> + <p> + ‘Sure he’s the friend of the poor,’ said one fellow, ‘and good luck to + him!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Was it any business of ours?’ asked another. And another told, grinning, + that it was the famous Captain Freny, who, having bribed the jury to + acquit him two days back at Kilkenny assizes, had mounted his horse at the + gaol door, and the very next day had robbed two barristers who were going + the circuit. + </p> + <p> + I told this pack of rascals to be off to their work, or they should taste + of my thong, and proceeded, as well as I could, to comfort Mrs. Fitzsimons + under her misfortunes. ‘Had she lost much?’ ‘Everything: her purse, + containing upwards of a hundred guineas; her jewels, snuff-boxes, watches, + and a pair of diamond shoe-buckles of the Captain’s.’ These mishaps I + sincerely commiserated; and knowing her by her accent to be an + Englishwoman, deplored the difference that existed between the two + countries, and said that in OUR country (meaning England) such atrocities + were unknown. + </p> + <p> + ‘You, too, are an Englishman?’ said she, with rather a tone of surprise. + On which I said I was proud to be such: as, in fact, I was; and I never + knew a true Tory gentleman of Ireland who did not wish he could say as + much. + </p> + <p> + I rode by Mrs. Fitzsimon’s chair all the way to Naas; and, as she had been + robbed of her purse, asked permission to lend her a couple of pieces to + pay her expenses at the inn: which sum she was graciously pleased to + accept, and was, at the same time, kind enough to invite me to share her + dinner. To the lady’s questions regarding my birth and parentage, I + replied that I was a young gentleman of large fortune (this was not true; + but what is the use of crying bad fish? my dear mother instructed me early + in this sort of prudence) and good family in the county of Waterford; that + I was going to Dublin for my studies, and that my mother allowed me five + hundred per annum. Mrs. Fitzsimons was equally communicative. She was the + daughter of General Granby Somerset of Worcestershire, of whom, of course, + I had heard (and though I had not, of course I was too well-bred to say + so); and had made, as she must confess, a runaway match with Ensign + Fitzgerald Fitzsimons. Had I been in Donegal?—No! That was a pity. + The Captain’s father possesses a hundred thousand acres there, and + Fitzsimonsburgh Castle’s the finest mansion in Ireland. Captain Fitzsimons + is the eldest son; and, though he has quarrelled with his father, must + inherit the vast property. She went on to tell me about the balls at + Dublin, the banquets at the Castle, the horse-races at the Phoenix, the + ridottos and routs, until I became quite eager to join in those pleasures; + and I only felt grieved to think that my position would render secrecy + necessary, and prevent me from being presented at the Court, of which the + Fitzsimonses were the most elegant ornaments. How different was her lively + rattle to that of the vulgar wenches at the Kilwangan assemblies! In every + sentence she mentioned a lord or a person of quality. She evidently spoke + French and Italian, of the former of which languages I have said I knew a + few words; and, as for her English accent, why, perhaps I was no judge of + that, for, to say the truth, she was the first REAL English person I had + ever met. She recommended me, further, to be very cautious with regard to + the company I should meet at Dublin, where rogues and adventurers of all + countries abounded; and my delight and gratitude to her may be imagined, + when, as our conversation grew more intimate (as we sat over our dessert), + she kindly offered to accommodate me with lodgings in her own house, where + her Fitzsimons, she said, would welcome with delight her gallant young + preserver. + </p> + <p> + ‘Indeed, madam,’ said I, ‘I have preserved nothing for you.’ Which was + perfectly true; for had I not come up too late after the robbery to + prevent the highwayman from carrying off her money and pearls? + </p> + <p> + ‘And sure, ma’am, them wasn’t much,’ said Sullivan, the blundering + servant, who had been so frightened at Freny’s approach, and was waiting + on us at dinner. ‘Didn’t he return you the thirteenpence in copper, and + the watch, saying it was only pinch-beck?’ + </p> + <p> + But his lady rebuked him for a saucy varlet, and turned him out of the + room at once, saying to me when he had gone, ‘that the fool didn’t know + what was the meaning of a hundred-pound bill, which was in the pocket-book + that Freny took from her.’ + </p> + <p> + Perhaps had I been a little older in the world’s experience, I should have + begun to see that Madam Fitzsimons was not the person of fashion she + pretended to be; but, as it was, I took all her stories for truth, and, + when the landlord brought the bill for dinner, paid it with the air of a + lord. Indeed, she made no motion to produce the two pieces I had lent to + her; and so we rode on slowly towards Dublin, into which city we made our + entrance at nightfall. The rattle and splendour of the coaches, the flare + of the linkboys, the number and magnificence of the houses, struck me with + the greatest wonder; though I was careful to disguise this feeling, + according to my dear mother’s directions, who told me that it was the mark + of a man of fashion never to wonder at anything, and never to admit that + any house, equipage, or company he saw, was more splendid or genteel than + what he had been accustomed to at home. + </p> + <p> + We stopped, at length, at a house of rather mean appearance, and were let + into a passage by no means so clean as that at Barryville, where there was + a great smell of supper and punch. A stout red-faced man, without a + periwig, and in rather a tattered nightgown and cap, made his appearance + from the parlour, and embraced his lady (for it was Captain Fitzsimons) + with a great deal of cordiality. Indeed, when he saw that a stranger + accompanied her, he embraced her more rapturously than ever. In + introducing me, she persisted in saying that I was her preserver, and + complimented my gallantry as much as if I had killed Freny, instead of + coming up when the robbery was over. The Captain said he knew the Redmonds + of Waterford intimately well: which assertion alarmed me, as I knew + nothing of the family to which I was stated to belong. But I posed him, by + asking WHICH of the Redmonds he knew, for I had never heard his name in + our family. He said he knew the Redmonds of Redmondstown. ‘Oh,’ says I, + ‘mine are the Redmonds of Castle Redmond;’ and so I put him off the scent. + I went to see my nag put up at a livery-stable hard by, with the Captain’s + horse and chair, and returned to my entertainer. + </p> + <p> + Although there were the relics of some mutton-chops and onions on a + cracked dish before him, the Captain said, ‘My love, I wish I had known of + your coming, for Bob Moriarty and I just finished the most delicious + venison pasty, which his Grace the Lord Lieutenant sent us, with a flask + of Sillery from his own cellar. You know the wine, my dear? But as bygones + are bygones, and no help for them, what say ye to a fine lobster and a + bottle of as good claret as any in Ireland? Betty, clear these things from + the table, and make the mistress and our young friend welcome to our + home.’ + </p> + <p> + Not having small change, Mr. Fitzsimons asked me to lend him a + tenpenny-piece to purchase the dish of lobsters; but his lady, handing out + one of the guineas I had given her, bade the girl get the change for that, + and procure the supper; which she did presently, bringing back only a very + few shillings out of the guinea to her mistress, saying that the + fishmonger had kept the remainder for an old account. ‘And the more great + big blundering fool you, for giving the gold piece to him,’ roared Mr. + Fitzsimons. I forget how many hundred guineas he said he had paid the + fellow during the year. + </p> + <p> + Our supper was seasoned, if not by any great elegance, at least by a + plentiful store of anecdotes, concerning the highest personages of the + city; with whom, according to himself, the Captain lived on terms of the + utmost intimacy. Not to be behindhand with him, I spoke of my own estates + and property as if I was as rich as a duke. I told all the stories of the + nobility I had ever heard from my mother, and some that, perhaps, I had + invented; and ought to have been aware that my host was an impostor + himself, as he did not find out my own blunders and misstatements. But + youth is ever too confident. It was some time before I knew that I had + made no very desirable acquaintance in Captain Fitzsimons and his lady; + and, indeed, went to bed congratulating myself upon my wonderful good luck + in having, at the outset of my adventures, fallen in with so distinguished + a couple. + </p> + <p> + The appearance of the chamber I occupied might, indeed, have led me to + imagine that the heir of Fitzsimonsburgh Castle, county Donegal, was not + as yet reconciled with his wealthy parents; and, had I been an English + lad, probably my suspicion and distrust would have been aroused instantly. + But perhaps, as the reader knows, we are not so particular in Ireland on + the score of neatness as people are in this precise country; hence the + disorder of my bedchamber did not strike me so much. For were not all the + windows broken and stuffed with rags even at Castle Brady, my uncle’s + superb mansion? Was there ever a lock to the doors there, or if a lock, a + handle to the lock or a hasp to fasten it to? So, though my bedroom + boasted of these inconveniences, and a few more; though my counterpane was + evidently a greased brocade dress of Mrs. Fitzsimons’s, and my cracked + toilet-glass not much bigger than a half-crown, yet I was used to this + sort of ways in Irish houses, and still thought myself in that of a man of + fashion. There was no lock to the drawers, which, when they DID open, were + full of my hostess’s rouge-pots, shoes, stays, and rags; so I allowed my + wardrobe to remain in my valise, but set out my silver dressing-apparatus + upon the ragged cloth on the drawers, where it shone to great advantage. + </p> + <p> + When Sullivan appeared in the morning, I asked him about my mare, which he + informed me was doing well. I then bade him bring me hot shaving-water, in + a loud dignified tone. + </p> + <p> + ‘Hot shaving-water!’ says he, bursting out laughing (and I confess not + without reason). ‘Is it yourself you’re going to shave?’ said he. ‘And + maybe when I bring you up the water I’ll bring you up the cat too, and you + can shave her.’ I flung a boot at the scoundrel’s head in reply to this + impertinence, and was soon with my friends in the parlour for breakfast. + There was a hearty welcome, and the same cloth that had been used the + night before: as I recognised by the black mark of the Irish-stew dish, + and the stain left by a pot of porter at supper. + </p> + <p> + My host greeted me with great cordiality; Mrs. Fitzsimons said I was an + elegant figure for the Phoenix; and indeed, without vanity, I may say of + myself that there were worse-looking fellows in Dublin than I. I had not + the powerful chest and muscular proportion which I have since attained (to + be exchanged, alas! for gouty legs and chalk-stones in my fingers; but + ‘tis the way of mortality), but I had arrived at near my present growth of + six feet, and with my hair in buckle, a handsome lace jabot and wristbands + to my shirt, and a red plush waistcoat, barred with gold, looked the + gentleman I was born. I wore my drab coat with plate buttons, that was + grown too small for me, and quite agreed with Captain Fitzsimons that I + must pay a visit to his tailor, in order to procure myself a coat more + fitting my size. + </p> + <p> + ‘I needn’t ask whether you had a comfortable bed,’ said he. ‘Young Fred + Pimpleton (Lord Pimpleton’s second son) slept in it for seven months, + during which he did me the honour to stay with me, and if HE was + satisfied, I don’t know who else wouldn’t be.’ + </p> + <p> + After breakfast we walked out to see the town, and Mr. Fitzsimons + introduced me to several of his acquaintances whom we met, as his + particular young friend Mr. Redmond, of Waterford county; he also + presented me at his hatter’s and tailor’s as a gentleman of great + expectations and large property; and although I told the latter that I + should not pay him ready cash for more than one coat, which fitted me to a + nicety, yet he insisted upon making me several, which I did not care to + refuse. The Captain, also, who certainly wanted such a renewal of raiment, + told the tailor to send him home a handsome military frock, which he + selected. + </p> + <p> + Then we went home to Mrs. Fitzsimons, who drove out in her chair to the + Phoenix Park, where a review was, and where numbers of the young gentry + were round about her; to all of whom she presented me as her preserver of + the day before. Indeed, such was her complimentary account of me, that + before half-an-hour I had got to be considered as a young gentleman of the + highest family in the land, related to all the principal nobility, a + cousin of Captain Fitzsimons, and heir to L10,000 a year. Fitzsimons said + he had ridden over every inch of my estate; and ‘faith, as he chose to + tell these stories for me, I let him have his way—indeed, was not a + little pleased (as youth is) to be made much of, and to pass for a great + personage. I had little notion then that I had got among a set of + impostors—that Captain Fitzsimons was only an adventurer, and his + lady a person of no credit; but such are the dangers to which youth is + perpetually subject, and hence let young men take warning by me. + </p> + <p> + I purposely hurry over the description of my life in which the incidents + were painful, of no great interest except to my unlucky self, and of which + my companions were certainly not of a kind befitting my quality. The fact + was, a young man could hardly have fallen into worse hands than those in + which I now found myself. I have been to Donegal since, and have never + seen the famous Castle of Fitzsimonsburgh, which is, likewise, unknown to + the oldest inhabitants of that county; nor are the Granby Somersets much + better known in Worcestershire. The couple into whose hands I had fallen + were of a sort much more common then than at present, for the vast wars of + later days have rendered it very difficult for noblemen’s footmen or + hangers-on to procure commissions; and such, in fact, had been the + original station of Captain Fitzsimons. Had I known his origin, of course + I would have died rather than have associated with him: but in those + simple days of youth I took his tales for truth, and fancied myself in + high luck at being, at my outset into life, introduced into such a family. + Alas! we are the sport of destiny. When I consider upon what small + circumstances all the great events of my life have turned, I can hardly + believe myself to have been anything but a puppet in the hands of Fate; + which has played its most fantastic tricks upon me. + </p> + <p> + The Captain had been a gentleman’s gentleman, and his lady of no higher + rank. The society which this worthy pair kept was at a sort of ordinary + which they held, and at which their friends were always welcome on payment + of a certain moderate sum for their dinner. After dinner, you may be sure + that cards were not wanting, and that the company who played did not play + for love merely. To these parties persons of all sorts would come: young + bloods from the regiments garrisoned in Dublin: young clerks from the + Castle; horse-riding, wine-tippling, watchman-beating men of fashion about + town, such as existed in Dublin in that day more than in any other city + with which I am acquainted in Europe. I never knew young fellows make such + a show, and upon such small means. I never knew young gentlemen with what + I may call such a genius for idleness; and whereas an Englishman with + fifty guineas a year is not able to do much more than starve, and toil + like a slave in a profession, a young Irish buck with the same sum will + keep his horses, and drink his bottle, and live as lazy as a lord. Here + was a doctor who never had a patient, cheek by jowl with an attorney who + never had a client: neither had a guinea—each had a good horse to + ride in the Park, and the best of clothes to his back. A sporting + clergyman without a living; several young wine-merchants, who consumed + much more liquor than they had or sold; and men of similar character, + formed the society at the house into which, by ill luck, I was thrown. + What could happen to a man but misfortune from associating with such + company?—(I have not mentioned the ladies of the society, who were, + perhaps, no better than the males)—and in a very very short time I + became their prey. + </p> + <p> + As for my poor twenty guineas, in three days I saw, with terror, that they + had dwindled down to eight: theatres and taverns having already made such + cruel inroads in my purse. At play I had lost, it is true, a couple of + pieces; but seeing that every one round about me played upon honour and + gave their bills, I, of course, preferred that medium to the payment of + ready money, and when I lost paid on account. + </p> + <p> + With the tailors, saddlers, and others, I employed similar means; and in + so far Mr. Fitzsimons’s representation did me good, for the tradesmen took + him at his word regarding my fortune (I have since learned that the rascal + pigeoned several other young men of property), and for a little time + supplied me with any goods I might be pleased to order. At length, my cash + running low, I was compelled to pawn some of the suits with which the + tailor had provided me; for I did not like to part with my mare, on which + I daily rode in the Park, and which I loved as the gift of my respected + uncle. I raised some little money, too, on a few trinkets which I had + purchased of a jeweller who pressed his credit upon me; and thus was + enabled to keep up appearances for yet a little time. + </p> + <p> + I asked at the post-office repeatedly for letters for Mr. Redmond, but + none such had arrived; and, indeed, I always felt rather relieved when the + answer of ‘No’ was given to me; for I was not very anxious that my mother + should know my proceedings in the extravagant life which I was leading at + Dublin. It could not last very long, however; for when my cash was quite + exhausted, and I paid a second visit to the tailor, requesting him to make + me more clothes, the fellow hummed and ha’d, and had the impudence to ask + payment for those already supplied: on which, telling him I should + withdraw my custom from him, I abruptly left him. The goldsmith too (a + rascal Jew) declined to let me take a gold chain to which I had a fancy; + and I felt now, for the first time, in some perplexity. To add to it, one + of the young gentlemen who frequented Mr. Fitzsimons’s boarding-house had + received from me, in the way of play, an IOU for eighteen pounds (which I + lost to him at piquet), and which, owing Mr. Curbyn, the livery-stable + keeper, a bill, he passed into that person’s hands. Fancy my rage and + astonishment, then, on going for my mare, to find that he positively + refused to let me have her out of the stable, except under payment of my + promissory note! It was in vain that I offered him his choice of four + notes that I had in my pocket—one of Fitzsimons’s for L20, one of + Counsellor Mulligan’s, and so forth; the dealer, who was a Yorkshireman, + shook his head, and laughed at every one of them; and said, ‘I tell you + what, Master Redmond, you appear a young fellow of birth and fortune, and + let me whisper in your ear that you have fallen into very bad hands—it’s + a regular gang of swindlers; and a gentleman of your rank and quality + should never be seen in such company. Go home: pack up your valise, pay + the little trifle to me, mount your mare, and ride back again to your + parents,—it’s the very best thing you can do.’ + </p> + <p> + In a pretty nest of villains, indeed, was I plunged! It seemed as if all + my misfortunes were to break on me at once; for, on going home and + ascending to my bedroom in a disconsolate way, I found the Captain and his + lady there before me, my valise open, my wardrobe lying on the ground, and + my keys in the possession of the odious Fitzsimons. ‘Whom have I been + harbouring in my house?’ roared he, as I entered the apartment. ‘Who are + you, sirrah?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘SIRRAH! Sir,’ said I, ‘I am as good a gentleman as any in Ireland.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘You’re an impostor, young man: a schemer, a deceiver!’ shouted the + Captain. + </p> + <p> + ‘Repeat the words again, and I will run you through the body,’ replied I. + </p> + <p> + ‘Tut, tut! I can play at fencing as well as you, Mr. REDMOND BARRY. Ah! + you change colour, do you—your secret is known, is it? You come like + a viper into the bosom of innocent families; you represent yourself as the + heir of my friends the Redmonds of Castle Redmond; I inthrojuice you to + the nobility and genthry of this methropolis’ (the Captain’s brogue was + large, and his words, by preference, long); ‘I take you to my tradesmen, + who give you credit, and what do I find? That you have pawned the goods + which you took up at their houses.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I have given them my acceptances, sir,’ said I with a dignified air. + </p> + <p> + ‘UNDER WHAT NAME, unhappy boy—under what name?’ screamed Mrs. + Fitzsimons; and then, indeed, I remembered that I had signed the documents + Barry Redmond instead of Redmond Barry: but what else could I do? Had not + my mother desired me to take no other designation? After uttering a + furious tirade against me, in which he spoke of the fatal discovery of my + real name on my linen—of his misplaced confidence of affection, and + the shame with which he should be obliged to meet his fashionable friends + and confess that he had harboured a swindler, he gathered up the linen, + clothes, silver toilet articles, and the rest of my gear, saying that he + should step out that moment for an officer and give me up to the just + revenge of the law. + </p> + <p> + During the first part of his speech, the thought of the imprudence of + which I had been guilty, and the predicament in which I was plunged, had + so puzzled and confounded me, that I had not uttered a word in reply to + the fellow’s abuse, but had stood quite dumb before him. The sense of + danger, however, at once roused me to action. ‘Hark ye, Mr. Fitzsimons,’ + said I; ‘I will tell you why I was obliged to alter my name: which is + Barry, and the best name in Ireland. I changed it, sir, because, on the + day before I came to Dublin, I killed a man in deadly combat—an + Englishman, sir, and a captain in His Majesty’s service; and if you offer + to let or hinder me in the slightest way, the same arm which destroyed him + is ready to punish you; and by Heaven, sir, you or I don’t leave this room + alive!’ + </p> + <p> + So saying, I drew my sword like lightning, and giving a ‘ha! ha!’ and a + stamp with my foot, lunged within an inch of Fitzsimons’s heart, who + started back and turned deadly pale, while his wife, with a scream, flung + herself between us. + </p> + <p> + ‘Dearest Redmond,’ she cried, ‘be pacified. Fitzsimons, you don’t want the + poor child’s blood. Let him escape—in Heaven’s name let him go.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘He may go hang for me,’ said Fitzsimons sulkily; ‘and he’d better be off + quickly, too, for the jeweller and the tailor have called once, and will + be here again before long. It was Moses the pawnbroker that peached: I had + the news from him myself.’ By which I conclude that Mr. Fitzsimons had + been with the new laced frock-coat which he procured from the merchant + tailor on the day when the latter first gave me credit. + </p> + <p> + What was the end of our conversation? Where was now a home for the + descendant of the Barrys? Home was shut to me by my misfortune in the + duel. I was expelled from Dublin by a persecution occasioned, I must + confess, by my own imprudence. I had no time to wait and choose: no place + of refuge to fly to. Fitzsimons, after his abuse of me, left the room + growling, but not hostile; his wife insisted that we should shake hands, + and he promised not to molest me. Indeed, I owed the fellow nothing; and, + on the contrary, had his acceptance actually in my pocket for money lost + at play. As for my friend Mrs. Fitzsimons, she sat down on the bed and + fairly burst out crying. She had her faults, but her heart was kind; and + though she possessed but three shillings in the world, and fourpence in + copper, the poor soul made me take it before I left her—to go—whither? + My mind was made up: there was a score of recruiting-parties in the town + beating up for men to join our gallant armies in America and Germany; I + knew where to find one of these, having stood by the sergeant at a review + in the Phoenix Park, where he pointed out to me characters on the field, + for which I treated him to drink. + </p> + <p> + I gave one of my shillings to Sullivan the butler of the Fitzsimonses, + and, running into the street, hastened to the little alehouse at which my + acquaintance was quartered, and before ten minutes had accepted His + Majesty’s shilling. I told him frankly that I was a young gentleman in + difficulties; that I had killed an officer in a duel, and was anxious to + get out of the country. But I need not have troubled myself with any + explanations; King George was too much in want of men then to heed from + whence they came, and a fellow of my inches, the sergeant said, was always + welcome. Indeed, I could not, he said, have chosen my time better. A + transport was lying at Dunleary, waiting for a wind, and on board that + ship, to which I marched that night, I made some surprising discoveries, + which shall be told in the next chapter. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0004" id="link2HCH0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER IV. IN WHICH BARRY TAKES A NEAR VIEW OF MILITARY GLORY + </h2> + <p> + I never had a taste for anything but genteel company, and hate all + descriptions of low life. Hence my account of the society in which I at + present found myself must of necessity be short; and, indeed, the + recollection of it is profoundly disagreeable to me. Pah! the + reminiscences of the horrid black-hole of a place in which we soldiers + were confined; of the wretched creatures with whom I was now forced to + keep company; of the ploughmen, poachers, pickpockets, who had taken + refuge from poverty, or the law (as, in truth, I had done myself), is + enough to make me ashamed even now, and it calls the blush into my old + cheeks to think I was ever forced to keep such company. I should have + fallen into despair, but that, luckily, events occurred to rouse my + spirits, and in some measure to console me for my misfortunes. + </p> + <p> + The first of these consolations I had was a good quarrel, which took place + on the day after my entrance into the transport-ship, with a huge + red-haired monster of a fellow—a chairman, who had enlisted to fly + from a vixen of a wife, who, boxer as he was, had been more than a match + for him. As soon as this fellow—Toole, I remember, was his name—got + away from the arms of the washerwoman his lady, his natural courage and + ferocity returned, and he became the tyrant of all round about him. All + recruits, especially, were the object of the brute’s insult and + ill-treatment. + </p> + <p> + I had no money, as I said, and was sitting very disconsolately over a + platter of rancid bacon and mouldy biscuit, which was served to us at + mess, when it came to my turn to be helped to drink, and I was served, + like the rest, with a dirty tin noggin, containing somewhat more than half + a pint of rum-and-water. The beaker was so greasy and filthy that I could + not help turning round to the messman and saying, ‘Fellow, get me a + glass!’ At which all the wretches round about me burst into a roar of + laughter, the very loudest among them being, of course, Mr. Toole. ‘Get + the gentleman a towel for his hands, and serve him a basin of + turtle-soup,’ roared the monster, who was sitting, or rather squatting, on + the deck opposite me; and as he spoke he suddenly seized my beaker of grog + and emptied it, in the midst of another burst of applause. + </p> + <p> + ‘If you want to vex him, ax him about his wife the washerwoman, who BATES + him,’ here whispered in my ear another worthy, a retired link-boy, who, + disgusted with his profession, had adopted the military life. + </p> + <p> + ‘Is it a towel of your wife’s washing, Mr. Toole?’ said I. ‘I’m told she + wiped your face often with one.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Ax him why he wouldn’t see her yesterday, when she came to the ship,’ + continued the link-boy. And so I put to him some other foolish jokes about + soapsuds, henpecking, and flat-irons, which set the man into a fury, and + succeeded in raising a quarrel between us. We should have fallen to at + once, but a couple of grinning marines, who kept watch at the door, for + fear we should repent of our bargain and have a fancy to escape, came + forward and interposed between us with fixed bayonets; but the sergeant + coming down the ladder, and hearing the dispute, condescended to say that + we might fight it out like men with FISTES if we chose, and that the + fore-deck should be free to us for that purpose. But the use of fistes, as + the Englishman called them, was not then general in Ireland, and it was + agreed that we should have a pair of cudgels; with one of which weapons I + finished the fellow in four minutes, giving him a thump across his stupid + sconce which laid him lifeless on the deck, and not receiving myself a + single hurt of consequence. + </p> + <p> + This victory over the cock of the vile dunghill obtained me respect among + the wretches of whom I formed part, and served to set up my spirits, which + otherwise were flagging; and my position was speedily made more bearable + by the arrival on board our ship of an old friend. This was no other than + my second in the fatal duel which had sent me thus early out into the + world, Captain Fagan. There was a young nobleman who had a company in our + regiment (Gale’s foot), and who, preferring the delights of the Mall and + the clubs to the dangers of a rough campaign, had given Fagan the + opportunity of an exchange; which, as the latter had no fortune but his + sword, he was glad to make. The sergeant was putting us through our + exercise on deck (the seamen and officers of the transport looking + grinning on) when a boat came from the shore bringing our captain to the + ship; and though I started and blushed red as he recognised me—a + descendant of the Barrys—in this degrading posture, I promise you + that the sight of Fagan’s face was most welcome to me, for it assured me + that a friend was near me. Before that I was so melancholy that I would + certainly have deserted had I found the means, and had not the inevitable + marines kept a watch to prevent any such escapes. Fagan gave me a wink of + recognition, but offered no public token of acquaintance; it was not until + two days afterwards, and when we had bidden adieu to old Ireland and were + standing out to sea, that he called me into his cabin, and then, shaking + hands with me cordially, gave me news, which I much wanted, of my family. + ‘I had news of you in Dublin,’ he said. ‘’Faith you’ve begun early, like + your father’s son; and I think you could not do better than as you have + done. But why did you not write home to your poor mother? She has sent a + half-dozen letters to you at Dublin.’ + </p> + <p> + I said I had asked for letters at the post-office, but there were none for + Mr. Redmond. I did not like to add that I had been ashamed, after the + first week, to write to my mother. + </p> + <p> + ‘We must write to her by the pilot,’ said he, ‘who will leave us in two + hours; and you can tell her that you are safe, and married to Brown Bess.’ + I sighed when he talked about being married; on which he said with a + laugh, ‘I see you are thinking of a certain young lady at Brady’s Town.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Is Miss Brady well?’ said I; and indeed, could hardly utter it, for I + certainly WAS thinking about her: for, though I had forgotten her in the + gaieties of Dublin, I have always found adversity makes man very + affectionate. + </p> + <p> + ‘There’s only seven Miss Bradys now,’ answered Fagan, in a solemn voice. + ‘Poor Nora’— + </p> + <p> + ‘Good heavens! what of her?’ I thought grief had killed her. + </p> + <p> + ‘She took on so at your going away that she was obliged to console herself + with a husband. She’s now Mrs. John Quin.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Mrs. John Quin! Was there ANOTHER Mr. John Quin?’ asked I, quite + wonder-stricken. + </p> + <p> + ‘No; the very same one, my boy. He recovered from his wound. The ball you + hit him with was not likely to hurt him. It was only made of tow. Do you + think the Bradys would let you kill fifteen hundred a year out of the + family?’ And then Fagan further told me that, in order to get me out of + the way—for the cowardly Englishman could never be brought to marry + from fear of me—the plan of the duel had been arranged. ‘But hit him + you certainly did, Redmond, and with a fine thick plugget of tow; and the + fellow was so frightened, that he was an hour in coming to. We told your + mother the story afterwards, and a pretty scene she made; she despatched a + half-score of letters to Dublin after you, but I suppose addressed them to + you in your real name, by which you never thought to ask for them.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘The coward!’ said I (though, I confess, my mind was considerably relieved + at the thoughts of not having killed him). ‘And did the Bradys of Castle + Brady consent to admit a poltroon like that into one of the most ancient + and honourable families in the world?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘He has paid off your uncle’s mortgage,’ said Fagan; ‘he gives Nora a + coach-and-six; he is to sell out, and Lieutenant Ulick Brady of the + Militia is to purchase his company. That coward of a fellow has been the + making of your uncle’s family. ‘Faith! the business was well done.’ And + then, laughing, he told me how Mick and Ulick had never let him out of + their sight, although he was for deserting to England, until the marriage + was completed and the happy couple off on their road to Dublin. ‘Are you + in want of cash, my boy?’ continued the good-natured Captain. ‘You may + draw upon me, for I got a couple of hundred out of Master Quin for my + share, and while they last you shall never want.’ + </p> + <p> + And so he bade me sit down and write a letter to my mother, which I did + forthwith in very sincere and repentant terms, stating that I had been + guilty of extravagances, that I had not known until that moment under what + a fatal error I had been labouring, and that I had embarked for Germany as + a volunteer. The letter was scarcely finished when the pilot sang out that + he was going on shore; and he departed, taking with him, from many an + anxious fellow besides myself, our adieux to friends in old Ireland. + </p> + <p> + Although I was called Captain Barry for many years of my life, and have + been known as such by the first people of Europe, yet I may as well + confess I had no more claim to the title than many a gentleman who assumes + it, and never had a right to an epaulet, or to any military decoration + higher than a corporal’s stripe of worsted. I was made corporal by Fagan + during our voyage to the Elbe, and my rank was confirmed on TERRA FIRMA. I + was promised a halbert, too, and afterwards, perhaps, an ensigncy, if I + distinguished myself; but Fate did not intend that I should remain long an + English soldier: as shall appear presently. Meanwhile, our passage was + very favourable; my adventures were told by Fagan to his brother officers, + who treated me with kindness; and my victory over the big chairman + procured me respect from my comrades of the fore-deck. Encouraged and + strongly exhorted by Fagan, I did my duty resolutely; but, though affable + and good-humoured with the men, I never at first condescended to associate + with such low fellows: and, indeed, was called generally amongst them ‘my + Lord.’ I believe it was the ex-link-boy, a facetious knave, who gave me + the title; and I felt that I should become such a rank as well as any peer + in the kingdom. + </p> + <p> + It would require a greater philosopher and historian than I am to explain + the causes of the famous Seven Years’ War in which Europe was engaged; + and, indeed, its origin has always appeared to me to be so complicated, + and the books written about it so amazingly hard to understand, that I + have seldom been much wiser at the end of a chapter than at the beginning, + and so shall not trouble my reader with any personal disquisitions + concerning the matter. All I know is, that after His Majesty’s love of his + Hanoverian dominions had rendered him most unpopular in his English + kingdom, with Mr. Pitt at the head of the anti-German war-party, all of a + sudden, Mr. Pitt becoming Minister, the rest of the empire applauded the + war as much as they had hated it before. The victories of Dettingen and + Crefeld were in every-body’s mouths, and ‘the Protestant hero,’ as we used + to call the godless old Frederick of Prussia, was adored by us as a saint, + a very short time after we had been about to make war against him in + alliance with the Empress-queen. Now, somehow, we were on Frederick’s + side: the Empress, the French, the Swedes, and the Russians, were leagued + against us; and I remember, when the news of the battle of Lissa came even + to our remote quarter of Ireland, we considered it as a triumph for the + cause of Protestantism, and illuminated and bonfired, and had a sermon at + church, and kept the Prussian king’s birthday; on which my uncle would get + drunk: as indeed on any other occasion. Most of the low fellows enlisted + with myself were, of course, Papists (the English army was filled with + such, out of that never-failing country of ours), and these, forsooth, + were fighting the battles of Protestantism with Frederick; who was + belabouring the Protestant Swedes and the Protestant Saxons, as well as + the Russians of the Greek Church, and the Papist troops of the Emperor and + the King of France. It was against these latter that the English + auxiliaries were employed, and we know that, be the quarrel what it may, + an Englishman and a Frenchman are pretty willing to make a fight of it. + </p> + <p> + We landed at Cuxhaven, and before I had been a month in the Electorate I + was transformed into a tall and proper young soldier, and having a natural + aptitude for military exercise, was soon as accomplished at the drill as + the oldest sergeant in the regiment. It is well, however, to dream of + glorious war in a snug arm-chair at home; ay, or to make it as an officer, + surrounded by gentlemen, gorgeously dressed, and cheered by chances of + promotion. But those chances do not shine on poor fellows in worsted lace: + the rough texture of our red coats made me ashamed when I saw an officer + go by; my soul used to shudder when, on going the rounds, I would hear + their voices as they sat jovially over the mess-table; my pride revolted + at being obliged to plaster my hair with flour and candle-grease, instead + of using the proper pomatum for a gentleman. Yes, my tastes have always + been high and fashionable, and I loathed the horrid company in which I was + fallen. What chances had I of promotion? None of my relatives had money to + buy me a commission, and I became soon so low-spirited, that I longed for + a general action and a ball to finish me, and vowed that I would take some + opportunity to desert. + </p> + <p> + When I think that I, the descendant of the kings of Ireland, was + threatened with a caning by a young scoundrel who had just joined from + Eton College—when I think that he offered to make me his footman, + and that I did not, on either occasion, murder him! On the first occasion + I burst into tears (I do not care to own it) and had serious thoughts of + committing suicide, so great was my mortification. But my kind friend + Fagan came to my aid in the circumstance, with some very timely + consolation. ‘My poor boy,’ said he, ‘you must not take the matter to + heart so. Caning is only a relative disgrace. Young Ensign Fakenham was + flogged himself at Eton School only a month ago: I would lay a wager that + his scars are not yet healed. You must cheer up, my boy; do your duty, be + a gentleman, and no serious harm can fall on you.’ And I heard afterwards + that my champion had taken Mr. Fakenham very severely to task for this + threat, and said to him that any such proceedings for the future he should + consider as an insult to himself; whereon the young ensign was, for the + moment, civil. As for the sergeants, I told one of them, that if any man + struck me, no matter who he might be, or what the penalty, I would take + his life. And, ‘faith! there was an air of sincerity in my speech which + convinced the whole bevy of them; and as long as I remained in the English + service no rattan was ever laid on the shoulders of Redmond Barry. Indeed, + I was in that savage moody state, that my mind was quite made up to the + point, and I looked to hear my own dead march played as sure as I was + alive. When I was made a corporal, some of my evils were lessened; I + messed with the sergeants by special favour, and used to treat them to + drink, and lose money to the rascals at play: with which cash my good + friend Mr. Fagan punctually supplied me. + </p> + <p> + Our regiment, which was quartered about Stade and Luneburg, speedily got + orders to march southwards towards the Rhine, for news came that our great + General, Prince Ferdinand of Brunswick, had been defeated—no, not + defeated, but foiled in his attack upon the French under the Duke of + Broglio, at Bergen, near Frankfort-on-the-Main, and had been obliged to + fall back. As the allies retreated the French rushed forward, and made a + bold push for the Electorate of our gracious monarch in Hanover, + threatening that they would occupy it; as they had done before, when + D’Estrees beat the hero of Culloden, the gallant Duke of Cumberland, and + caused him to sign the capitulation of Closter Zeven. An advance upon + Hanover always caused a great agitation in the Royal bosom of the King of + England; more troops were sent to join us, convoys of treasure were passed + over to our forces, and to our ally’s the King of Prussia; and although, + in spite of all assistance, the army under Prince Ferdinand was very much + weaker than that of the invading enemy, yet we had the advantage of better + supplies, one of the greatest Generals in the world: and, I was going to + add, of British valour, but the less we say about THAT the better. My Lord + George Sackville did not exactly cover himself with laurels at Minden; + otherwise there might have been won there one of the greatest victories of + modern times. + </p> + <p> + Throwing himself between the French and the interior of the Electorate, + Prince Ferdinand wisely took possession of the free town of Bremen, which + he made his storehouse and place of arms; and round which he gathered all + his troops, making ready to fight the famous battle of Minden. + </p> + <p> + Were these Memoirs not characterised by truth, and did I deign to utter a + single word for which my own personal experience did not give me the + fullest authority, I might easily make myself the hero of some strange and + popular adventures, and, after the fashion of novel-writers, introduce my + reader to the great characters of this remarkable time. These persons (I + mean the romance-writers), if they take a drummer or a dustman for a hero, + somehow manage to bring him in contact with the greatest lords and most + notorious personages of the empire; and I warrant me there’s not one of + them but, in describing the battle of Minden, would manage to bring Prince + Ferdinand, and my Lord George Sackville, and my Lord Granby, into + presence. It would have been easy for me to have SAID I was present when + the orders were brought to Lord George to charge with the cavalry and + finish the rout of the Frenchmen, and when he refused to do so, and + thereby spoiled the great victory. But the fact is, I was two miles off + from the cavalry when his Lordship’s fatal hesitation took place, and none + of us soldiers of the line knew of what had occurred until we came to talk + about the fight over our kettles in the evening, and repose after the + labours of a hard-fought day. I saw no one of higher rank that day than my + colonel and a couple of orderly officers riding by in the smoke—no + one on our side, that is. A poor corporal (as I then had the disgrace of + being) is not generally invited into the company of commanders and the + great; but, in revenge, I saw, I promise you, some very good company on + the FRENCH part, for their regiments of Lorraine and Royal Cravate were + charging us all day; and in THAT sort of MELEE high and low are pretty + equally received. I hate bragging, but I cannot help saying that I made a + very close acquaintance with the colonel of the Cravates; for I drove my + bayonet into his body, and finished off a poor little ensign, so young, + slender, and small, that a blow from my pigtail would have despatched him, + I think, in place of the butt of my musket, with which I clubbed him down. + I killed, besides, four more officers and men, and in the poor ensign’s + pocket found a purse of fourteen louis-d’or, and a silver box of + sugar-plums; of which the former present was very agreeable to me. If + people would tell their stories of battles in this simple way, I think the + cause of truth would not suffer by it. All I know of this famous fight of + Minden (except from books) is told here above. The ensign’s silver bon-bon + box and his purse of gold; the livid face of the poor fellow as he fell; + the huzzas of the men of my company as I went out under a smart fire and + rifled him; their shouts and curses as we came hand in hand with the + Frenchmen,—these are, in truth, not very dignified recollections, + and had best be passed over briefly. When my kind friend Fagan was shot, a + brother captain, and his very good friend, turned to Lieutenant Rawson and + said, ‘Fagan’s down; Rawson, there’s your company.’ It was all the epitaph + my brave patron got. ‘I should have left you a hundred guineas, Redmond,’ + were his last words to me, ‘but for a cursed run of ill luck last night at + faro.’ And he gave me a faint squeeze of the hand; then, as the word was + given to advance, I left him. When we came back to our old ground, which + we presently did, he was lying there still; but he was dead. Some of our + people had already torn off his epaulets, and, no doubt, had rifled his + purse. Such knaves and ruffians do men in war become! It is well for + gentlemen to talk of the age of chivalry; but remember the starving brutes + whom they lead—men nursed in poverty, entirely ignorant, made to + take a pride in deeds of blood—men who can have no amusement but in + drunkenness, debauch, and plunder. It is with these shocking instruments + that your great warriors and kings have been doing their murderous work in + the world; and while, for instance, we are at the present moment admiring + the ‘Great Frederick,’ as we call him, and his philosophy, and his + liberality, and his military genius, I, who have served him, and been, as + it were, behind the scenes of which that great spectacle is composed, can + only look at it with horror. What a number of items of human crime, + misery, slavery, go to form that sum-total of glory! I can recollect a + certain day about three weeks after the battle of Minden, and a farmhouse + in which some of us entered; and how the old woman and her daughters + served us, trembling, to wine; and how we got drunk over the wine, and the + house was in a flame, presently; and woe betide the wretched fellow + afterwards who came home to look for his house and his children! + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0005" id="link2HCH0005"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER V. BARRY FAR FROM MILITARY GLORY + </h2> + <p> + After the death of my protector, Captain Fagan, I am forced to confess + that I fell into the very worst of courses and company. Being a rough + soldier of fortune himself, he had never been a favourite with the + officers of his regiment; who had a contempt for Irishmen, as Englishmen + sometimes will have, and used to mock his brogue, and his blunt uncouth + manners. I had been insolent to one or two of them, and had only been + screened from punishment by his intercession; especially his successor, + Mr. Rawson, had no liking for me, and put another man into the sergeant’s + place vacant in his company after the battle of Minden. This act of + injustice rendered my service very disagreeable to me; and, instead of + seeking to conquer the dislike of my superiors, and win their goodwill by + good behaviour, I only sought for means to make my situation easier to me, + and grasped at all the amusements in my power. In a foreign country, with + the enemy before us, and the people continually under contribution from + one side or the other, numberless irregularities were permitted to the + troops which would not have been allowed in more peaceable times. I + descended gradually to mix with the sergeants, and to share their + amusements: drinking and gambling were, I am sorry to say, our principal + pastimes; and I fell so readily into their ways, that though only a young + lad of seventeen, I was the master of them all in daring wickedness; + though there were some among them who, I promise you, were far advanced in + the science of every kind of profligacy. I should have been under the + provost-marshal’s hands, for a dead certainty, had I continued much longer + in the army: but an accident occurred which took me out of the English + service in rather a singular manner. + </p> + <p> + The year in which George II died, our regiment had the honour to be + present at the battle of Warburg (where the Marquis of Granby and his + horse fully retrieved the discredit which had fallen upon the cavalry + since Lord George Sackville’s defalcation at Minden), and where Prince + Ferdinand once more completely defeated the Frenchmen. During the action, + my lieutenant, Mr. Fakenham, of Fakenham, the gentleman who had threatened + me, it may be remembered, with the caning, was struck by a musket-ball in + the side. He had shown no want of courage in this or any other occasion + where he had been called upon to act against the French; but this was his + first wound, and the young gentleman was exceedingly frightened by it. He + offered five guineas to be carried into the town, which was hard by; and I + and another man, taking him up in a cloak, managed to transport him into a + place of decent appearance, where we put him to bed, and where a young + surgeon (who desired nothing better than to take himself out of the fire + of the musketry) went presently to dress his wound. + </p> + <p> + In order to get into the house, we had been obliged, it must be confessed, + to fire into the locks with our pieces; which summons brought an + inhabitant of the house to the door, a very pretty and black-eyed young + woman, who lived there with her old half-blind father, a retired + Jagdmeister of the Duke of Cassel, hard by. When the French were in the + town, Meinherr’s house had suffered like those of his neighbours; and he + was at first exceedingly unwilling to accommodate his guests. But the + first knocking at the door had the effect of bringing a speedy answer; and + Mr. Fakenham, taking a couple of guineas out of a very full purse, + speedily convinced the people that they had only to deal with a person of + honour. + </p> + <p> + Leaving the doctor (who was very glad to stop) with his patient, who paid + me the stipulated reward, I was returning to my regiment with my other + comrade—after having paid, in my German jargon, some deserved + compliments to the black-eyed beauty of Warburg, and thinking, with no + small envy, how comfortable it would be to be billeted there—when + the private who was with me cut short my reveries by suggesting that we + should divide the five guineas the lieutenant had given me. + </p> + <p> + ‘There is your share,’ said I, giving the fellow one piece; which was + plenty, as I was the leader of the expedition. But he swore a dreadful + oath that he would have half; and when I told him to go to a quarter which + I shall not name, the fellow, lifting his musket, hit me a blow with the + butt-end of it, which sent me lifeless to the ground: when I awoke from my + trance, I found myself bleeding with a large wound in the head, and had + barely time to stagger back to the house where I had left the lieutenant, + when I again fell fainting at the door. + </p> + <p> + Here I must have been discovered by the surgeon on his issuing out; for + when I awoke a second time I found myself in the ground-floor of the + house, supported by the black-eyed girl, while the surgeon was copiously + bleeding me at the arm. There was another bed in the room where the + lieutenant had been laid,—it was that occupied by Gretel, the + servant; while Lischen, as my fair one was called, had, till now, slept in + the couch where the wounded officer lay. + </p> + <p> + ‘Who are you putting into that bed?’ said he languidly, in German; for the + ball had been extracted from his side with much pain and loss of blood. + </p> + <p> + They told him it was the corporal who had brought him. + </p> + <p> + ‘A corporal?’ said he, in English; ‘turn him out.’ And you may be sure I + felt highly complimented by the words. But we were both too faint to + compliment or to abuse each other much, and I was put to bed carefully; + and, on being undressed, had an opportunity to find that my pockets had + been rifled by the English soldier after he had knocked me down. However, + I was in good quarters: the young lady who sheltered me presently brought + me a refreshing drink; and, as I took it, I could not help pressing the + kind hand that gave it me; nor, in truth, did this token of my gratitude + seem unwelcome. + </p> + <p> + This intimacy did not decrease with further acquaintance. I found Lischen + the tenderest of nurses. Whenever any delicacy was to be provided for the + wounded lieutenant, a share was always sent to the bed opposite his, and + to the avaricious man’s no small annoyance. His illness was long. On the + second day the fever declared itself; for some nights he was delirious; + and I remember it was when a commanding officer was inspecting our + quarters, with an intention, very likely, of billeting himself on the + house, that the howling and mad words of the patient overhead struck him, + and he retired rather frightened. I had been sitting up very comfortably + in the lower apartment, for my hurt was quite subsided; and it was only + when the officer asked me, with a rough voice, why I was not at my + regiment, that I began to reflect how pleasant my quarters were to me, and + that I was much better here than crawling under an odious tent with a + parcel of tipsy soldiers, or going the night-rounds or rising long before + daybreak for drill. + </p> + <p> + The delirium of Mr. Fakenham gave me a hint, and I determined forthwith to + GO MAD. There was a poor fellow about Brady’s Town called ‘Wandering + Billy,’ whose insane pranks I had often mimicked as a lad, and I again put + them in practice. That night I made an attempt upon Lischen, saluting her + with a yell and a grin which frightened her almost out of her wits; and + when anybody came I was raving. The blow on the head had disordered my + brain; the doctor was ready to vouch for this fact. One night I whispered + to him that I was Julius Caesar, and considered him to be my affianced + wife Queen Cleopatra, which convinced him of my insanity. Indeed, if Her + Majesty had been like my Aesculapius, she must have had a carroty beard, + such as is rare in Egypt. + </p> + <p> + A movement on the part of the French speedily caused an advance on our + part. The town was evacuated, except by a few Prussian troops, whose + surgeons were to visit the wounded in the place; and, when we were well, + we were to be drafted to our regiments. I determined that I never would + join mine again. My intention was to make for Holland, almost the only + neutral country of Europe in those times, and thence to get a passage + somehow to England, and home to dear old Brady’s Town. + </p> + <p> + If Mr. Fakenham is now alive, I here tender him my apologies for my + conduct to him. He was very rich; he used me very ill. I managed to + frighten away his servant who came to attend him after the affair of + Warburg, and from that time would sometimes condescend to wait upon the + patient, who always treated me with scorn; but it was my object to have + him alone, and I bore his brutality with the utmost civility and mildness, + meditating in my own mind a very pretty return for all his favours to me. + Nor was I the only person in the house to whom the worthy gentleman was + uncivil. He ordered the fair Lischen hither and thither, made impertinent + love to her, abused her soups, quarrelled with her omelettes, and grudged + the money which was laid out for his maintenance; so that our hostess + detested him as much as, I think, without vanity, she regarded me. + </p> + <p> + For, if the truth must be told, I had made very deep love to her during my + stay under her roof; as is always my way with women, of whatever age or + degree of beauty. To a man who has to make his way in the world, these + dear girls can always be useful in one fashion or another; never mind, if + they repel your passion; at any rate, they are not offended with your + declaration of it, and only look upon you with more favourable eyes in + consequence of your misfortune. As for Lischen, I told her such a pathetic + story of my life (a tale a great deal more romantic than that here + narrated,—for I did not restrict myself to the exact truth in that + history, as in these pages I am bound to do), that I won the poor girl’s + heart entirely, and, besides, made considerable progress in the German + language under her instruction. Do not think me very cruel and heartless, + ladies; this heart of Lischen’s was like many a town in the neighbourhood + in which she dwelt, and had been stormed and occupied several times before + I came to invest it; now mounting French colours, now green and yellow + Saxon, now black and white Prussian, as the case may be. A lady who sets + her heart upon a lad in uniform must prepare to change lovers pretty + quickly, or her life will be but a sad one. + </p> + <p> + The German surgeon who attended us after the departure of the English only + condescended to pay our house a visit twice during my residence; and I + took care, for a reason I had, to receive him in a darkened room, much to + the annoyance of Mr. Fakenham, who lay there: but I said the light + affected my eyes dreadfully since my blow on the head; and so I covered up + my head with clothes when the doctor came, and told him that I was an + Egyptian mummy, or talked to him some insane nonsense, in order to keep up + my character. + </p> + <p> + ‘What is that nonsense you were talking about an Egyptian mummy, fellow?’ + asked Mr. Fakenham peevishly. + </p> + <p> + ‘Oh! you’ll know soon, sir,’ said I. + </p> + <p> + The next time that I expected the doctor to come, instead of receiving him + in a darkened room, with handkerchiefs muffled, I took care to be in the + lower room, and was having a game at cards with Lischen as the surgeon + entered. I had taken possession of a dressing-jacket of the lieutenant’s, + and some other articles of his wardrobe, which fitted me pretty well; and, + I flatter myself, was no ungentlemanlike figure. + </p> + <p> + ‘Good-morrow, Corporal,’ said the doctor, rather gruffly, in reply to my + smiling salute. + </p> + <p> + ‘Corporal! Lieutenant, if you please,’ answered I, giving an arch look at + Lischen, whom I had instructed in my plot. + </p> + <p> + ‘How lieutenant?’ asked the surgeon. ‘I thought the lieutenant was’— + </p> + <p> + ‘Upon my word, you do me great honour,’ cried I, laughing; ‘you mistook me + for the mad corporal upstairs. The fellow has once or twice pretended to + be an officer, but my kind hostess here can answer which is which.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Yesterday he fancied he was Prince Ferdinand,’ said Lischen; ‘the day you + came he said he was an Egyptian mummy.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘So he did,’ said the doctor; ‘I remember; but, ha! ha! do you know, + Lieutenant, I have in my notes made a mistake in you two?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Don’t talk to me about his malady; he is calm now.’ + </p> + <p> + Lischen and I laughed at this error as at the most ridiculous thing in the + world; and when the surgeon went up to examine his patient, I cautioned + him not to talk to him about the subject of his malady, for he was in a + very excited state. + </p> + <p> + The reader will be able to gather from the above conversation what my + design really was. I was determined to escape, and to escape under the + character of Lieutenant Fakenham; taking it from him to his face, as it + were, and making use of it to meet my imperious necessity. It was forgery + and robbery, if you like; for I took all his money and clothes,—I + don’t care to conceal it; but the need was so urgent, that I would do so + again: and I knew I could not effect my escape without his purse, as well + as his name. Hence it became my duty to take possession of one and the + other. + </p> + <p> + As the lieutenant lay still in bed upstairs, I did not hesitate at all + about assuming his uniform, especially after taking care to inform myself + from the doctor whether any men of ours who might know me were in the + town. But there were none that I could hear of; and so I calmly took my + walks with Madame Lischen, dressed in the lieutenant’s uniform, made + inquiries as to a horse that I wanted to purchase, reported myself to the + commandant of the place as Lieutenant Fakenham, of Gale’s English regiment + of foot, convalescent, and was asked to dine with the officers of the + Prussian regiment at a very sorry mess they had. How Fakenham would have + stormed and raged, had he known the use I was making of his name! + </p> + <p> + Whenever that worthy used to inquire about his clothes, which he did with + many oaths and curses that he would have me caned at the regiment for + inattention, I, with a most respectful air, informed him that they were + put away in perfect safety below; and, in fact, had them very neatly + packed, and ready for the day when I proposed to depart. His papers and + money, however, he kept under his pillow; and, as I had purchased a horse, + it became necessary to pay for it. + </p> + <p> + At a certain hour, then, I ordered the animal to be brought round, when I + would pay the dealer for him. (I shall pass over my adieux with my kind + hostess, which were very tearful indeed). And then, making up my mind to + the great action, walked upstairs to Fakenham’s room attired in his full + regimentals, and with his hat cocked over my left eye. + </p> + <p> + ‘You gWeat scoundWel!’ said he, with a multiplicity of oaths; ‘you + mutinous dog! what do you mean by dWessing yourself in my Wegimentals? As + sure as my name’s Fakenham, when we get back to the Wegiment, I’ll have + your soul cut out of your body.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I’m promoted, Lieutenant,’ said I, with a sneer. ‘I’m come to take my + leave of you;’ and then going up to his bed, I said, ‘I intend to have + your papers and purse.’ With this I put my hand under his pillow; at which + he gave a scream that might have called the whole garrison about my ears. + ‘Hark ye, sir!’ said I, ‘no more noise, or you are a dead man!’ and taking + a handkerchief, I bound it tight around his mouth so as well-nigh to + throttle him, and, pulling forward the sleeves of his shirt, tied them in + a knot together, and so left him; removing the papers and the purse, you + may be sure, and wishing him politely a good day. + </p> + <p> + ‘It is the mad corporal,’ said I to the people down below who were + attracted by the noise from the sick man’s chamber; and so taking leave of + the old blind Jagdmeister, and an adieu (I will not say how tender) of his + daughter, I mounted my newly purchased animal; and, as I pranced away, and + the sentinels presented arms to me at the town-gates, felt once more that + I was in my proper sphere, and determined never again to fall from the + rank of a gentleman. + </p> + <p> + I took at first the way towards Bremen, where our army was, and gave out + that I was bringing reports and letters from the Prussian commandant of + Warburg to headquarters; but, as soon as I got out of sight of the + advanced sentinels, I turned bridle and rode into the Hesse-Cassel + territory, which is luckily not very far from Warburg: and I promise you I + was very glad to see the blue-and-red stripes on the barriers, which + showed me that I was out of the land occupied by our countrymen. I rode to + Hof, and the next day to Cassel, giving out that I was the bearer of + despatches to Prince Henry, then on the Lower Rhine, and put up at the + best hotel of the place, where the field-officers of the garrison had + their ordinary. These gentlemen I treated to the best wines that the house + afforded, for I was determined to keep up the character of the English + gentleman, and I talked to them about my English estates with a fluency + that almost made me believe in the stories which I invented. I was even + asked to an assembly at Wilhelmshohe, the Elector’s palace, and danced a + minuet there with the Hofmarshal’s lovely daughter, and lost a few pieces + to his excellency the first huntmaster of his Highness. + </p> + <p> + At our table at the inn there was a Prussian officer who treated me with + great civility, and asked me a thousand questions about England; which I + answered as best I might. But this best, I am bound to say, was bad + enough. I knew nothing about England, and the Court, and the noble + families there; but, led away by the vaingloriousness of youth (and a + propensity which I possessed in my early days, but of which I have long + since corrected myself, to boast and talk in a manner not altogether + consonant with truth), I invented a thousand stories which I told him; + described the King and the Ministers to him, said the British Ambassador + at Berlin was my uncle, and promised my acquaintance a letter of + recommendation to him. When the officer asked me my uncle’s name, I was + not able to give him the real name, and so said his name was O’Grady: it + is as good a name as any other, and those of Kilballyowen, county Cork, + are as good a family as any in the world, as I have heard. As for stories + about my regiment, of these, of course, I had no lack. I wish my other + histories had been equally authentic. + </p> + <p> + On the morning I left Cassel, my Prussian friend came to me with an open + smiling countenance, and said he, too, was bound for Dusseldorf, whither I + said my route lay; and so laying our horses’ heads together we jogged on. + The country was desolate beyond description. The prince in whose dominions + we were was known to be the most ruthless seller of men in Germany. He + would sell to any bidder, and during the five years which the war + (afterwards called the Seven Years’ War) had now lasted, had so exhausted + the males of his principality, that the fields remained untilled: even the + children of twelve years old were driven off to the war, and I saw herds + of these wretches marching forwards, attended by a few troopers, now under + the guidance of a red-coated Hanovarian sergeant, now with a Prussian + sub-officer accompanying them; with some of whom my companion exchanged + signs of recognition. + </p> + <p> + ‘It hurts my feelings,’ said he, ‘to be obliged to commune with such + wretches; but the stern necessities of war demand men continually, and + hence these recruiters whom you see market in human flesh. They get + five-and-twenty dollars from our Government for every man they bring in. + For fine men—for men like you,’ he added, laughing, ‘we would go as + high as a hundred. In the old King’s time we would have given a thousand + for you, when he had his giant regiment that our present monarch + disbanded.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I knew one of them,’ said I, ‘who served with you: we used to call him + Morgan Prussia.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Indeed; and who was this Morgan Prussia?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Why, a huge grenadier of ours, who was somehow snapped up in Hanover by + some of your recruiters.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘The rascals!’ said my friend: ‘and did they dare take an Englishman?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘’Faith this was an Irishman, and a great deal too sharp for them; as you + shall hear. Morgan was taken, then, and drafted into the giant guard, and + was the biggest man almost among all the giants there. Many of these + monsters used to complain of their life, and their caning, and their long + drills, and their small pay; but Morgan was not one of the grumblers. + “It’s a deal better,” said he, “to get fat here in Berlin, than to starve + in rags in Tipperary!”’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Where is Tipperary?’ asked my companion. + </p> + <p> + ‘That is exactly what Morgan’s friends asked him. It is a beautiful + district in Ireland, the capital of which is the magnificent city of + Clonmel: a city, let me tell you, sir, only inferior to Dublin and London, + and far more sumptuous than any on the Continent. Well, Morgan said that + his birthplace was near that city, and the only thing which caused him + unhappiness, in his present situation, was the thought that his brothers + were still starving at home, when they might be so much better off in His + Majesty’s service. + </p> + <p> + ‘“‘Faith,” says Morgan to the sergeant, to whom he imparted the + information, “it’s my brother Bin that would make the fine sergeant of the + guards, entirely!” + </p> + <p> + ‘“Is Ben as tall as you are?” asked the sergeant. + </p> + <p> + ‘“As tall as ME, is it? Why, man, I’m the shortest of my family! There’s + six more of us, but Bin’s the biggest of all. Oh! out and out the biggest. + Seven feet in his stockin-FUT, as sure as my name’s Morgan!” + </p> + <p> + ‘“Can’t we send and fetch them over, these brothers of yours?” + </p> + <p> + ‘“Not you. Ever since I was seduced by one of you gentlemen of the cane, + they’ve a mortal aversion to all sergeants,” answered Morgan: “but it’s a + pity they cannot come, too. What a monster Bin would be in a grenadier’s + cap!” + </p> + <p> + ‘He said nothing more at the time regarding his brothers, but only sighed + as if lamenting their hard fate. However, the story was told by the + sergeant to the officers, and by the officers to the King himself; and His + Majesty was so inflamed by curiosity, that he actually consented to let + Morgan go home in order to bring back with him his seven enormous + brothers.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘And were they as big as Morgan pretended?’ asked my comrade. I could not + help laughing at his simplicity. + </p> + <p> + ‘Do you suppose,’ cried I, ‘that Morgan ever came back? No, no; once free, + he was too wise for that. He has bought a snug farm in Tipperary with the + money that was given him to secure his brothers; and I fancy few men of + the guards ever profited so much by it.’ + </p> + <p> + The Prussian captain laughed exceedingly at this story, said that the + English were the cleverest nation in the world, and, on my setting him + right, agreed that the Irish were even more so. We rode on very well + pleased with each other; for he had a thousand stories of the war to tell, + of the skill and gallantry of Frederick, and the thousand escapes, and + victories, and defeats scarcely less glorious than victories, through + which the King had passed. Now that I was a gentleman, I could listen with + admiration to these tales: and yet the sentiment recorded at the end of + the last chapter was uppermost in my mind but three weeks back, when I + remembered that it was the great general got the glory, and the poor + soldier only insult and the cane. + </p> + <p> + ‘By the way, to whom are you taking despatches?’ asked the officer. + </p> + <p> + It was another ugly question, which I determined to answer at hap-hazard; + and so I said ‘To General Rolls.’ I had seen the general a year before, + and gave the first name in my head. My friend was quite satisfied with it, + and we continued our ride until evening came on; and our horses being + weary, it was agreed that we should come to a halt. + </p> + <p> + ‘There is a very good inn,’ said the Captain, as we rode up to what + appeared to me a very lonely-looking place. + </p> + <p> + ‘This may be a very good inn for Germany,’ said I, ‘but it would not pass + in old Ireland. Corbach is only a league off: let us push on for Corbach.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Do you want to see the loveliest woman in Europe?’ said the officer. ‘Ah! + you sly rogue, I see THAT will influence you;’ and, truth to say, such a + proposal WAS always welcome to me, as I don’t care to own. ‘The people are + great farmers,’ said the Captain, ‘as well as innkeepers;’ and, indeed, + the place seemed more a farm than an inn yard. We entered by a great gate + into a Court walled round, and at one end of which was the building, a + dingy ruinous place. A couple of covered waggens were in the court, their + horses were littered under a shed hard by, and lounging about the place + were some men and a pair of sergeants in the Prussian uniform, who both + touched their hats to my friend the Captain. This customary formality + struck me as nothing extraordinary, but the aspect of the inn had + something exceedingly chilling and forbidding in it, and I observed the + men shut to the great yard-gates as soon as we were entered. Parties of + French horsemen, the Captain said, were about the country, and one could + not take too many precautions against such villains. + </p> + <p> + We went into supper, after the two sergeants had taken charge of our + horses; the Captain, also, ordering one of them to take my valise to my + bedroom. I promised the worthy fellow a glass of schnapps for his pains. + </p> + <p> + A dish of fried eggs-and-bacon was ordered from a hideous old wench that + came to serve us, in place of the lovely creature I had expected to see; + and the Captain, laughing, said, ‘Well, our meal is a frugal one, but a + soldier has many a time a worse:’ and, taking off his hat, sword-belt, and + gloves, with great ceremony, he sat down to eat. I would not be behindhand + with him in politeness, and put my weapon securely on the old chest of + drawers where his was laid. + </p> + <p> + The hideous old woman before mentioned brought us in a pot of very sour + wine, at which and at her ugliness I felt a considerable ill-humour. + </p> + <p> + ‘Where’s the beauty you promised me?’ said I, as soon as the old hag had + left the room. + </p> + <p> + ‘Bah!’ said he, laughing, and looking hard at me: ‘it was my joke. I was + tired, and did not care to go farther. There’s no prettier woman here than + that. If she won’t suit your fancy, my friend, you must wait a while.’ + </p> + <p> + This increased my ill-humour. + </p> + <p> + ‘Upon my word, sir,’ said I sternly, ‘I think you have acted very coolly!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I have acted as I think fit!’ replied the captain. + </p> + <p> + ‘Sir,’ said I, ‘I’m a British officer!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘It’s a lie!’ roared the other, ‘you’re a DESERTER! You’re an impostor, + sir; I have known you for such these three hours. I suspected you + yesterday. My men heard of a man escaping from Warburg, and I thought you + were the man. Your lies and folly have confirmed me. You pretend to carry + despatches to a general who has been dead these ten months: you have an + uncle who is an ambassador, and whose name forsooth you don’t know. Will + you join and take the bounty, sir; or will you be given up?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Neither!’ said I, springing at him like a tiger. But, agile as I was, he + was equally on his guard. He took two pistols out of his pocket, fired one + off, and said, from the other end of the table where he stood dodging me, + as it were,— + </p> + <p> + ‘Advance a step, and I send this bullet into your brains!’ In another + minute the door was flung open, and the two sergeants entered, armed with + musket and bayonet to aid their comrade. + </p> + <p> + The game was up. I flung down a knife with which I had armed myself; for + the old hag on bringing in the wine had removed my sword. + </p> + <p> + ‘I volunteer,’ said I. + </p> + <p> + ‘That’s my good fellow. What name shall I put on my list?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Write Redmond Barry of Bally Barry,’ said I haughtily; ‘a descendant of + the Irish kings!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I was once with the Irish brigade, Roche’s,’ said the recruiter, + sneering, ‘trying if I could get any likely fellows among the few + countrymen of yours that are in the brigade, and there was scarcely one of + them that was not descended from the kings of Ireland.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Sir,’ said I, ‘king or not, I am a gentleman, as you can see.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Oh! you will find plenty more in our corps,’ answered the Captain, still + in the sneering mood. ‘Give up your papers, Mr. Gentleman, and let us see + who you really are.’ + </p> + <p> + As my pocket-book contained some bank-notes as well as papers of Mr. + Fakenham’s, I was not willing to give up my property; suspecting very + rightly that it was but a scheme on the part of the Captain to get and + keep it. + </p> + <p> + ‘It can matter very little to you,’ said I, ‘what my private papers are: I + am enlisted under the name of Redmond Barry.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Give it up, sirrah!’ said the Captain, seizing his cane. + </p> + <p> + ‘I will not give it up!’ answered I. + </p> + <p> + ‘HOUND! do you mutiny?’ screamed he, and, at the same time, gave me a lash + across the face with the cane, which had the anticipated effect of + producing a struggle. I dashed forward to grapple with him, the two + sergeants flung themselves on me, I was thrown to the ground and stunned + again; being hit on my former wound in the head. It was bleeding severely + when I came to myself, my laced coat was already torn off my back, my + purse and papers gone, and my hands tied behind my back. + </p> + <p> + The great and illustrious Frederick had scores of these white + slave-dealers all round the frontiers of his kingdom, debauching troops or + kidnapping peasants, and hesitating at no crime to supply those brilliant + regiments of his with food for powder; and I cannot help telling here, + with some satisfaction, the fate which ultimately befell the atrocious + scoundrel who, violating all the rights of friendship and good-fellowship, + had just succeeded in entrapping me. This individual was a person of high + family and known talents and courage, but who had a propensity to gambling + and extravagance, and found his calling as a recruit-decoy far more + profitable to him than his pay of second captain in the line. The + sovereign, too, probably found his services more useful in the former + capacity. His name was Monsieur de Galgenstein, and he was one of the most + successful of the practisers of his rascally trade. He spoke all + languages, and knew all countries, and hence had no difficulty in finding + out the simple braggadocio of a young lad like me. + </p> + <p> + About 1765, however, he came to his justly merited end. He was at this + time living at Kehl, opposite Strasburg, and used to take his walk upon + the bridge there, and get into conversation with the French advanced + sentinels; to whom he was in the habit of promising ‘mountains and + marvels,’ as the French say, if they would take service in Prussia. One + day there was on the bridge a superb grenadier, whom Galgenstein accosted, + and to whom he promised a company, at least, if he would enlist under + Frederick. + </p> + <p> + ‘Ask my comrade yonder,’ said the grenadier; ‘I can do nothing without + him. We were born and bred together, we are of the same company, sleep in + the same room, and always go in pairs. If he will go and you will give him + a captaincy, I will go too.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Bring your comrade over to Kehl,’ said Galgenstein, delighted. ‘I will + give you the best of dinners, and can promise to satisfy both of you.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Had you not better speak to him on the bridge?’ said the grenadier. ‘I + dare not leave my post; but you have but to pass, and talk over the + matter.’ + </p> + <p> + Galgenstein, after a little parley, passed the sentinel; but presently a + panic took him, and he retraced his steps. But the grenadier brought his + bayonet to the Prussian’s breast and bade him stand: that he was his + prisoner. + </p> + <p> + The Prussian, however, seeing his danger, made a bound across the bridge + and into the Rhine; whither, flinging aside his musket, the intrepid + sentry followed him. The Frenchman was the better swimmer of the two, + seized upon the recruiter, and bore him to the Strasburg side of the + stream, where he gave him up. + </p> + <p> + ‘You deserve to be shot,’ said the general to him, ‘for abandoning your + post and arms; but you merit reward for an act of courage and daring. The + King prefers to reward you,’ and the man received money and promotion. + </p> +<p> +As for Galgenstein, he declared his quality as a nobleman and a captain +in the Prussian service, and applications were made to Berlin to know if +his representations were true. But the King, though he employed men of +this stamp (officers to seduce the subjects of his allies) could not +acknowledge his own shame. Letters were written back from Berlin to +say that such a family existed in the kingdom, but that the person +representing himself to belong to it must be an impostor, for +every officer of the name was at his regiment and his post. It was +Galgenstein’s death-warrant, and he was hanged as a spy in Strasburg.</p> + +<p class="c">* * * * *</p> + + <p>‘Turn him into the cart with the rest,’ said he, as soon as I awoke +from my trance. +</p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0006" id="link2HCH0006"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VI. THE CRIMP WAGGON—MILITARY EPISODES + </h2> + <p> + The covered waggon to which I was ordered to march was standing, as I have + said, in the courtyard of the farm, with another dismal vehicle of the + same kind hard by it. Each was pretty well filled with a crew of men, whom + the atrocious crimp who had seized upon me, had enlisted under the banners + of the glorious Frederick; and I could see by the lanterns of the + sentinels, as they thrust me into the straw, a dozen dark figures huddled + together in the horrible moving prison where I was now to be confined. A + scream and a curse from my opposite neighbour showed me that he was most + likely wounded, as I myself was; and, during the whole of the wretched + night, the moans and sobs of the poor fellows in similar captivity kept up + a continual painful chorus, which effectually prevented my getting any + relief from my ills in sleep. At midnight (as far as I could judge) the + horses were put to the waggons, and the creaking lumbering machines were + put in motion. A couple of soldiers, strongly armed, sat on the outer + bench of the cart, and their grim faces peered in with their lanterns + every now and then through the canvas curtains, that they might count the + number of their prisoners. The brutes were half-drunk, and were singing + love and war songs, such as ‘O Gretchen mein Taubchen, mein + Herzenstrompet, Mein Kanon, mein Heerpauk und meine Musket,’ ‘Prinz Eugen + der edle Ritter.’ and the like; their wild whoops and jodels making + doleful discord with the groans of us captives within the waggons. Many a + time afterwards have I heard these ditties sung on the march, or in the + barrack-room, or round the fires as we lay out at night. + </p> + <p> + I was not near so unhappy, in spite of all, as I had been on my first + enlisting in Ireland. At least, thought I, if I am degraded to be a + private soldier there will be no one of my acquaintance who will witness + my shame; and that is the point which I have always cared for most. There + will be no one to say, ‘There is young Redmond Barry, the descendant or + the Barrys, the fashionable young blood of Dublin, pipeclaying his belt + and carrying his brown Bess.’ Indeed, but for that opinion of the world, + with which it is necessary that every man of spirit should keep upon equal + terms, I, for my part, would have always been contented with the humblest + portion. Now here, to all intents and purposes, one was as far removed + from the world as in the wilds of Siberia, or in Robinson Crusoe’s Island. + And I reasoned with myself thus:—‘Now you are caught, there is no + use in repining: make the best of your situation, and get all the pleasure + you can out of it. There are a thousand opportunities of plunder, &c., + offered to the soldier in war-time, out of which he can get both pleasure + and profit: make use of these, and be happy. Besides, you are + extraordinarily brave, handsome, and clever: and who knows but you may + procure advancement in your new service?’ + </p> + <p> + In this philosophical way I looked at my misfortunes, determining not to + be cast down by them; and bore woes and my broken head with perfect + magnanimity. The latter was, for the moment, an evil against which it + required no small powers of endurance to contend; for the jolts of the + waggon were dreadful, and every shake caused a throb in my brain which I + thought would have split my skull. As the morning dawned, I saw that the + man next me, a gaunt yellow-haired creature, in black, had a cushion of + straw under his head. + </p> + <p> + ‘Are you wounded, comrade?’ said I. + </p> + <p> + ‘Praised be the Lord,’ said he, ‘I am sore hurt in spirit and body, and + bruised in many members; wounded, however, am I not. And you, poor youth?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I am wounded in the head,’ said I, ‘and I want your pillow: give it me—I’ve + a clasp-knife in my pocket!’ and with this I gave him a terrible look, + meaning to say (and mean it I did, for look you, A LA GUERRE C’EST A LA + GUERRE, and I am none of your milksops) that, unless he yielded me the + accommodation, I would give him a taste of my steel. + </p> + <p> + ‘I would give it thee without any threat, friend,’ said the yellow-haired + man meekly, and handed me over his little sack of straw. + </p> + <p> + He then leaned himself back as comfortably as he could against the cart, + and began repeating, ‘Ein’ feste Burg ist unser Gott,’ by which I + concluded that I had got into the company of a parson. With the jolts of + the waggon, and accidents of the journey, various more exclamations and + movements of the passengers showed what a motley company we were. Every + now and then a countryman would burst into tears; a French voice would be + heard to say, ‘O mon Dieu!—mon Dieu!’ a couple more of the same + nation were jabbering oaths and chattering incessantly; and a certain + allusion to his own and everybody else’s eyes, which came from a stalwart + figure at the far corner, told me that there was certainly an Englishman + in our crew. + </p> + <p> + But I was spared soon the tedium and discomforts of the journey. In spite + of the clergyman’s cushion, my head, which was throbbing with pain, was + brought abruptly in contact with the side of the waggon; it began to bleed + afresh: I became almost light-headed. I only recollect having a draught of + water here and there; once stopping at a fortified town, where an officer + counted us:—all the rest of the journey was passed in a drowsy + stupor, from which, when I awoke, I found myself lying in a hospital bed, + with a nun in a white hood watching over me. + </p> + <p> + ‘They are in sad spiritual darkness,’ said a voice from the bed next to + me, when the nun had finished her kind offices and retired: ‘they are in + the night of error, and yet there is the light of faith in those poor + creatures.’ + </p> + <p> + It was my comrade of the crimp waggon, his huge broad face looming out + from under a white nightcap, and ensconced in the bed beside. + </p> + <p> + ‘What! you there, Herr Pastor?’ said I. + </p> + <p> + ‘Only a candidate, sir,’ answered the white nightcap. ‘But, praised be + Heaven! you have come to. You have had a wild time of it. You have been + talking in the English language (with which I am acquainted) of Ireland, + and a young lady, and Mick, and of another young lady, and of a house on + fire, and of the British Grenadiers, concerning whom you sung us parts of + a ballad, and of a number of other matters appertaining, no doubt, to your + personal history.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘It has been a very strange one,’ said I; ‘and, perhaps, there is no man + in the world, of my birth, whose misfortunes can at all be compared to + mine.’ + </p> + <p> + I do not object to own that I am disposed to brag of my birth and other + acquirements; for I have always found that if a man does not give himself + a good word, his friends will not do it for him. + </p> + <p> + ‘Well,’ said my fellow-patient, ‘I have no doubt yours is a strange tale, + and shall be glad to hear it anon; but at present you must not be + permitted to speak much, for your fever has been long, and your exhaustion + great.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Where are we?’ I asked; and the candidate informed me that we were in the + bishopric and town of Fulda, at present occupied by Prince Henry’s troops. + There had been a skirmish with an out-party of French near the town, in + which a shot entering the waggon, the poor candidate had been wounded. + </p> + <p> + As the reader knows already my history, I will not take the trouble to + repeat it here, or to give the additions with which I favoured my comrade + in misfortune. But I confess that I told him ours was the greatest family + and finest palace in Ireland, that we were enormously wealthy, related to + all the peerage descended from the ancient kings, &c.; and, to my + surprise, in the course of our conversation, I found that my interlocutor + knew a great deal more about Ireland than I did. When, for instance, I + spoke of my descent,— + </p> + <p> + ‘From which race of kings?’ said he. + </p> + <p> + ‘Oh!’ said I (for my memory for dates was never very accurate), ‘from the + old ancient kings of all.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘What! can you trace your origin to the sons Japhet?’ said he. + </p> + <p> + ‘’Faith, I can,’ answered I, ‘and farther too,—Nebuchadnezzar, if + you like.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I see,’ said the candidate, smiling, ‘that you look upon those legends + with incredulity. These Partholans and Nemedians, of whom your writers + fondly make mention, cannot be authentically vouched for in history. Nor + do I believe that we have any more foundation for the tales concerning + them, than for the legends relative to Joseph of Arimathea and King Bruce + which prevailed two centuries back in the sister island. + </p> + <p> + And then he began a discourse about the Phoenicians, the Scyths or Goths, + the Tuath de Danans, Tacitus, and King MacNeil; which was, to say the + truth, the very first news I had heard of those personages. As for + English, he spoke it as well as I, and had seven more languages, he said, + equally at his command; for, on my quoting the only Latin line that I + knew, that out of the poet Homer, which says,— + </p> +<p class="c"> + ‘As in praesenti perfectum fumat in avi,’ +</p> + <p class="nind"> + he began to speak to me in the Roman tongue; on which I was fain to tell + him that we pronounced it in a different way in Ireland, and so got off + the conversation. + </p> + <p> + My honest friend’s history was a curious one, and it may be told here in + order to show of what motley materials our levies were composed:— + </p> + <p> + ‘I am,’ said he, ‘a Saxon by birth, my father being pastor of the village + of Pfannkuchen, where I imbibed the first rudiments of knowledge. At + sixteen (I am now twenty-three), having mastered the Greek and Latin + tongues, with the French, English, Arabic, and Hebrew; and having come + into possession of a legacy of a hundred rixdalers, a sum amply sufficient + to defray my University courses, I went to the famous academy of + Gottingen, where I devoted four years to the exact sciences and theology. + Also, I learned what worldly accomplishments I could command; taking a + dancing-tutor at the expense of a groschen a lesson, a course of fencing + from a French practitioner, and attending lectures on the great horse and + the equestrian science at the hippodrome of a celebrated cavalry + professor. My opinion is, that a man should know everything as far as in + his power lies: that he should complete his cycle of experience; and, one + science being as necessary as another, it behoves him. + </p> + <p> + ‘I am not of a saving turn, hence my little fortune of a hundred + rixdalers, which has served to keep many a prudent man for a score of + years, barely sufficed for five years’ studies; after which my studies + were interrupted, my pupils fell off, and I was obliged to devote much + time to shoe-binding in order to save money, and, at a future period, + resume my academic course. During this period I contracted an attachment’ + (here the candidate sighed a little) ‘with a person, who, though not + beautiful, and forty years of age, is yet likely to sympathise with my + existence; and, a month since, my kind friend and patron, University + Prorector Doctor Nasenbrumm, having informed me that the Pfarrer of + Rumpelwitz was dead, asked whether I would like to have my name placed + upon the candidate list, and if I were minded to preach a trial sermon? As + the gaining of this living would further my union with my Amalia, I + joyously consented, and prepared a discourse. + </p> + <p> + ‘If you like I will recite it to you—No?—Well, I will give you + extracts from it upon our line of march. To proceed, then, with my + biographical sketch, which is now very near a conclusion; or, as I should + more correctly say, which has very nearly brought me to the present period + of time: I preached that sermon at Rumpelwitz, in which I hope that the + Babylonian question was pretty satisfactorily set at rest. I preached it + before the Herr Baron and his noble family, and some officers of + distinction who were staying at his castle. Mr. Doctor Moser of Halle + followed me in the evening discourse; but, though his exercise was + learned, and he disposed of a passage of Ignatius, which he proved to be a + manifest interpolation, I do not think his sermon had the effect which + mine produced, and that the Rumpelwitzers much relished it. After the + sermon, all the candidates walked out of church together, and supped + lovingly at the “Blue Stag” in Rumpelwitz. + </p> + <p> + ‘While so occupied, a waiter came in and said that a person without wished + to speak to one of the reverend candidates, “the tall one.” This could + only mean me, for I was a head and shoulders higher than any other + reverend gentleman present. I issued out to see who was the person + desiring to hold converse with me, and found a man whom I had no + difficulty in recognising as one of the Jewish persuasion. + </p> + <p> + ‘“Sir,” said this Hebrew, “I have heard from a friend, who was in your + church to-day, the heads of the admirable discourse you pronounced there. + It has affected me deeply, most deeply. There are only one or two points + on which I am yet in doubt, and if your honour could but condescend to + enlighten me on these, I think—I think Solomon Hirsch would be a + convert to your eloquence.” + </p> + <p> + ‘“What are these points, my good friend?” said I; and I pointed out to him + the twenty-four heads of my sermon, asking him in which of these his + doubts lay. + </p> + <p> + ‘We had been walking up and down before the inn while our conversation + took place, but the windows being open, and my comrades having heard the + discourse in the morning, requested me, rather peevishly, not to resume it + at that period. I, therefore, moved on with my disciple, and, at his + request, began at once the sermon; for my memory is good for anything, and + I can repeat any book I have read thrice. + </p> + <p> + ‘I poured out, then, under the trees, and in the calm moonlight, that + discourse which I had pronounced under the blazing sun of noon. My + Israelite only interrupted me by exclamations indicative of surprise, + assent, admiration, and increasing conviction. “Prodigious!” said he;—“Wunderschon!” + would he remark at the conclusion of some eloquent passage; in a word, he + exhausted the complimentary interjections of our language: and to + compliments what man is averse? I think we must have walked two miles when + I got to my third head and my companion begged I would enter his house, + which we now neared, and partake of a glass of beer; to which I was never + averse. + </p> + <p> + ‘That house, sir, was the inn at which you, too, if I judge aright, were + taken. No sooner was I in the place, than three crimps rushed upon me, + told me I was a deserter, and their prisoner, and called upon me to + deliver up my money and papers; which I did with a solemn protest as to my + sacred character. They consisted of my sermon in MS., Prorector + Nasenbrumm’s recommendatory letter, proving my identity, and three + groschen four pfennigs in bullion. I had already been in the cart twenty + hours when you reached the house. The French officer, who lay opposite you + (he who screamed when you trod on his foot, for he was wounded), was + brought in shortly before your arrival. He had been taken with his + epaulets and regimentals, and declared his quality and rank; but he was + alone (I believe it was some affair of love with a Hessian lady which + caused him to be unattended); and as the persons into whose hands he fell + will make more profit of him as a recruit than as a prisoner, he is made + to share our fate. He is not the first by many scores so captured. One of + M. de Soubise’s cooks, and three actors out of a troop in the French camp, + several deserters from your English troops (the men are led away by being + told that there is no flogging in the Prussian service), and three + Dutchmen were taken besides.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘And you,’ said I—‘you who were just on the point of getting a + valuable living,—you who have so much learning, are you not + indignant at the outrage?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I am a Saxon,’ said the candidate, ‘and there is no use in indignation. + Our government is crushed under Frederick’s heel these five years, and I + might as well hope for mercy from the Grand Mogul. Nor am I, in truth, + discontented with my lot; I have lived on a penny bread for so many years, + that a soldier’s rations will be a luxury to me. I do not care about more + or less blows of a cane; all such evils are passing, and therefore + endurable. I will never, God willing, slay a man in combat; but I am not + unanxious to experience on myself the effect of the war-passion, which has + had so great an influence on the human race. It was for the same reason + that I determined to marry Amalia, for a man is not a complete Mensch + until he is the father of a family; to be which is a condition of his + existence, and therefore a duty of his education. Amalia must wait; she is + out of the reach of want, being, indeed, cook to the Frau Prorectorinn + Nasenbrumm, my worthy patron’s lady. I have one or two books with me, + which no one is likely to take from me, and one in my heart which is the + best of all. If it shall please Heaven to finish my existence here, before + I can prosecute my studies further, what cause have I to repine? I pray + God I may not be mistaken, but I think I have wronged no man, and + committed no mortal sin. If I have, I know where to look for forgiveness; + and if I die, as I have said, without knowing all that I would desire to + learn, shall I not be in a situation to learn EVERYTHING, and what can + human soul ask for more? + </p> + <p> + ‘Pardon me for putting so many <i>I</i>’s in my discourse,’ said the + candidate, ‘but when a man is talking of himself, ‘tis the briefest and + simplest way of talking.’ + </p> + <p> + In which, perhaps, though I hate egotism, I think my friend was right. + Although he acknowledged himself to be a mean-spirited fellow, with no + more ambition than to know the contents of a few musty books, I think the + man had some good in him; especially in the resolution with which he bore + his calamities. Many a gallant man of the highest honour is often not + proof against these, and has been known to despair over a bad dinner, or + to be cast down at a ragged-elbowed coat. MY maxim is to bear all, to put + up with water if you cannot get Burgundy, and if you have no velvet to be + content with frieze. But Burgundy and velvet are the best, bien entendu, + and the man is a fool who will not seize the best when the scramble is + open. + </p> + <p> + The heads of the sermon which my friend the theologian intended to impart + to me, were, however, never told; for, after our coming out of the + hospital, he was drafted into a regiment quartered as far as possible from + his native country, in Pomerania; while I was put into the Bulow regiment, + of which the ordinary headquarters were Berlin. The Prussian regiments + seldom change their garrisons as ours do, for the fear of desertion is so + great, that it becomes necessary to know the face of every individual in + the service; and, in time of peace, men live and die in the same town. + This does not add, as may be imagined, to the amusements of the soldier’s + life. It is lest any young gentleman like myself should take a fancy to a + military career, and fancy that of a private soldier a tolerable one, that + I am giving these, I hope, moral descriptions of what we poor fellows in + the ranks really suffered. + </p> + <p> + As soon as we recovered, we were dismissed from the nuns and the hospital + to the town prison of Fulda, where we were kept like slaves and criminals, + with artillerymen with lighted matches at the doors of the courtyards and + the huge black dormitory where some hundreds of us lay; until we were + despatched to our different destinations. It was soon seen by the exercise + which were the old soldiers amongst us, and which the recruits; and for + the former, while we lay in prison, there was a little more leisure: + though, if possible, a still more strict watch kept than over the + broken-spirited yokels who had been forced or coaxed into the service. To + describe the characters here assembled would require Mr. Gilray’s own + pencil. There were men of all nations and callings. The Englishmen boxed + and bullied; the Frenchmen played cards, and danced, and fenced; the heavy + Germans smoked their pipes and drank beer, if they could manage to + purchase it. Those who had anything to risk gambled, and at this sport I + was pretty lucky, for, not having a penny when I entered the depot (having + been robbed of every farthing of my property by the rascally crimps), I + won near a dollar in my very first game at cards with one of the + Frenchmen; who did not think of asking whether I could pay or not upon + losing. Such, at least, is the advantage of having a gentlemanlike + appearance; it has saved me many a time since by procuring me credit when + my fortunes were at their lowest ebb. + </p> + <p> + Among the Frenchmen there was a splendid man and soldier, whose real name + we never knew, but whose ultimate history created no small sensation, when + it came to be known in the Prussian army. If beauty and courage are proofs + of nobility, as (although I have seen some of the ugliest dogs and the + greatest cowards in the world in the noblesse) I have no doubt courage and + beauty are, this Frenchman must have been of the highest families in + France, so grand and noble was his manner, so superb his person. He was + not quite so tall as myself, fair, while I am dark, and, if possible, + rather broader in the shoulders. He was the only man I ever met who could + master me with the small-sword; with which he would pink me four times to + my three. As for the sabre, I could knock him to pieces with it; and I + could leap farther and carry more than he could. This, however, is mere + egotism. This Frenchman, with whom I became pretty intimate—for we + were the two cocks, as it were, of the depot, and neither had any feeling + of low jealousy—was called, for want of a better name, Le Blondin, + on account of his complexion. He was not a deserter, but had come in from + the Lower Rhine and the bishoprics, as I fancy; fortune having proved + unfavourable to him at play probably, and other means of existence being + denied him. I suspect that the Bastile was waiting for him in his own + country, had he taken a fancy to return thither. + </p> + <p> + He was passionately fond of play and liquor, and thus we had a + considerable sympathy together: when excited by one or the other, he + became frightful. I, for my part, can bear, without wincing, both ill luck + and wine; hence my advantage over him was considerable in our bouts, and I + won enough money from him to make my position tenable. He had a wife + outside (who, I take it, was the cause of his misfortunes and separation + from his family), and she used to be admitted to see him twice or thrice a + week, and never came empty-handed—-a little brown bright-eyed + creature, whose ogles had made the greatest impression upon all the world. + </p> + <p> + This man was drafted into a regiment that was quartered at Neiss in + Silesia, which is only at a short distance from the Austrian frontier; he + maintained always the same character for daring and skill, and was, in the + secret republic of the regiment—which always exists as well as the + regular military hierarchy—the acknowledged leader. He was an + admirable soldier, as I have said; but haughty, dissolute, and a drunkard. + A man of this mark, unless he takes care to coax and flatter his officers + (which I always did), is sure to fall out with them. Le Blondin’s captain + was his sworn enemy, and his punishments were frequent and severe. + </p> + <p> + His wife and the women of the regiment (this was after the peace) used to + carry on a little commerce of smuggling across the Austrian frontier, + where their dealings were winked at by both parties; and in obedience to + the instructions of her husband, this woman, from every one of her + excursions, would bring in a little powder and ball: commodities which are + not to be procured by the Prussian soldier, and which were stowed away in + secret till wanted. They WERE to be wanted, and that soon. + </p> + <p> + Le Blondin had organised a great and extraordinary conspiracy. We don’t + know how far it went, how many hundreds or thousands it embraced; but + strange were the stories told about the plot amongst us privates: for the + news was spread from garrison to garrison, and talked of by the army, in + spite of all the Government efforts to hush it up—hush it up, + indeed! I have been of the people myself; I have seen the Irish rebellion, + and I know what is the free-masonry of the poor. + </p> + <p> + He made himself the head of the plot. There were no writings nor papers. + No single one of the conspirators communicated with any other than the + Frenchman; but personally he gave his orders to them all. He had arranged + matters for a general rising of the garrison, at twelve o’clock on a + certain day: the guard-houses in the town were to be seized, the sentinels + cut down, and—who knows the rest? Some of our people used to say + that the conspiracy was spread through all Silesia, and that Le Blondin + was to be made a general in the Austrian service. + </p> + <p> + At twelve o’clock, and opposite the guard-house by the Bohmer-Thor of + Neiss, some thirty men were lounging about in their undress, and the + Frenchman stood near the sentinel of the guard-house, sharpening a wood + hatchet on a stone. At the stroke of twelve, he got up, split open the + sentinel’s head with a blow of his axe, and the thirty men, rushing into + the guard-house, took possession of the arms there, and marched at once to + the gate. The sentry there tried to drop the bar, but the Frenchman rushed + up to him, and, with another blow of the axe, cut off his right hand, with + which he held the chain. Seeing the men rushing out armed, the guard + without the gate drew up across the road to prevent their passage; but the + Frenchman’s thirty gave them a volley, charged them with the bayonet, and + brought down several, and the rest flying, the thirty rushed on. The + frontier is only a league from Neiss, and they made rapidly towards it. + </p> + <p> + But the alarm was given in the town, and what saved it was that the clock + by which the Frenchman went was a quarter of an hour faster than any of + the clocks in the town. The generale was beat, the troops called to arms, + and thus the men who were to have attacked the other guard-houses, were + obliged to fall into the ranks, and their project was defeated. This, + however, likewise rendered the discovery of the conspirators impossible, + for no man could betray his comrade, nor, of course, would he criminate + himself. + </p> + <p> + Cavalry was sent in pursuit of the Frenchman and his thirty fugitives, who + were, by this time, far on their way to the Bohemian frontier. When the + horse came up with them, they turned, received them with a volley and the + bayonet, and drove them back. The Austrians were out at the barriers, + looking eagerly on at the conflict. The women, who were on the look-out + too, brought more ammunition to these intrepid deserters, and they engaged + and drove back the dragoons several times. But in these gallant and + fruitless combats much time was lost, and a battalion presently came up, + and surrounded the brave thirty; when the fate of the poor fellows was + decided. They fought with the fury of despair: not one of them asked for + quarter. When their ammunition failed, they fought with the steel, and + were shot down or bayoneted where they stood. The Frenchman was the very + last man who was hit. He received a bullet in the thigh, and fell, and in + this state was overpowered, killing the officer who first advanced to + seize him. + </p> + <p> + He and the very few of his comrades who survived were carried back to + Neiss, and immediately, as the ringleader, he was brought before a council + of war. He refused all interrogations which were made as to his real name + and family. ‘What matters who I am?’ said he; ‘you have me and will shoot + me. My name would not save me were it ever so famous.’ In the same way he + declined to make a single discovery regarding the plot. ‘It was all my + doing,’ he said; ‘each man engaged in it only knew me, and is ignorant of + every one of his comrades. The secret is mine alone, and the secret shall + die with me.’ When the officers asked him what was the reason which + induced him to meditate a crime so horrible?—‘It was your infernal + brutality and tyranny,’ he said. ‘You are all butchers, ruffians, tigers, + and you owe it to the cowardice of your men that you were not murdered + long ago.’ + </p> + <p> + At this his captain burst into the most furious exclamations against the + wounded man, and rushing up to him, struck him a blow with his fist. But + Le Blondin, wounded as he was, as quick as thought seized the bayonet of + one of the soldiers who supported him, and plunged it into the officer’s + breast. ‘Scoundrel and monster,’ said he, ‘I shall have the consolation of + sending you out of the world before I die.’ He was shot that day. He + offered to write to the King, if the officers would agree to let his + letter go sealed into the hands of the postmaster; but they feared, no + doubt, that something might be said to inculpate themselves, and refused + him the permission. At the next review Frederick treated them, it is said, + with great severity, and rebuked them for not having granted the Frenchman + his request. However, it was the King’s interest to conceal the matter, + and so it was, as I have said before, hushed up—so well hushed up, + that a hundred thousand soldiers in the army knew it; and many’s the one + of us that has drunk to the Frenchman’s memory over our wine, as a martyr + for the cause of the soldier. I shall have, doubtless, some readers who + will cry out at this, that I am encouraging insubordination and advocating + murder. If these men had served as privates in the Prussian army from 1760 + to 1765, they would not be so apt to take objection. This man destroyed + two sentinels to get his liberty; how many hundreds of thousands of his + own and the Austrian people did King Frederick kill because he took a + fancy to Silesia? It was the accursed tyranny of the system that sharpened + the axe which brained the two sentinels of Neiss: and so let officers take + warning, and think twice ere they visit poor fellows with the cane. + </p> + <p> + I could tell many more stories about the army; but as, from having been a + soldier myself, all my sympathies are in the ranks, no doubt my tales + would be pronounced to be of an immoral tendency, and I had best, + therefore, be brief. Fancy my surprise while in this depot, when one day a + well-known voice saluted my ear, and I heard a meagre young gentleman, who + was brought in by a couple of troopers and received a few cuts across the + shoulders from one of them, say in the best English, ‘You infernal WASCAL, + I’ll be wevenged for this. I’ll WITE to my ambassador, as sure as my + name’s Fakenham of Fakenham.’ I burst out laughing at this: it was my old + acquaintance in MY corporal’s coat. Lischen had sworn stoutly, that he was + really and truly the private, and the poor fellow had been drafted off, + and was to be made one of us. But I bear no malice, and having made the + whole room roar with the story of the way in which I had tricked the poor + lad, I gave him a piece of advice, which procured him his liberty. ‘Go to + the inspecting officer,’ said I; ‘if they once get you into Prussia it is + all over with you, and they will never give you up. Go now to the + commandant of the depot, promise him a hundred—five hundred guineas + to set you free; say that the crimping captain has your papers and + portfolio’ (this was true); ‘above all, show him that you have the means + of paying him the promised money, and I will warrant you are set free.’ He + did as I advised, and when we were put on the march Mr. Fakenham found + means to be allowed to go into hospital, and while in hospital the matter + was arranged as I had recommended. He had nearly, however, missed his + freedom by his own stinginess in bargaining for it, and never showed the + least gratitude towards me his benefactor. + </p> + <p> + I am not going to give any romantic narrative of the Seven Years’ War. At + the close of it, the Prussian army, so renowned for its disciplined + valour, was officered and under-officered by native Prussians, it is true; + but was composed for the most part of men hired or stolen, like myself, + from almost every nation in Europe. The deserting to and fro was + prodigious. In my regiment (Bulow’s) alone before the war, there had been + no less than 600 Frenchmen, and as they marched out of Berlin for the + campaign, one of the fellows had an old fiddle on which he was flaying a + French tune, and his comrades danced almost, rather than walked, after + him, singing, ‘Nous allons en France.’ Two years after, when they returned + to Berlin, there were only six of these men left; the rest had fled or + were killed in action. The life the private soldier led was a frightful + one to any but men of iron courage and endurance. There was a corporal to + every three men, marching behind them, and pitilessly using the cane; so + much so that it used to be said that in action there was a front rank of + privates and a second rank of sergeants and corporals to drive them on. + Many men would give way to the most frightful acts of despair under these + incessant persecutions and tortures; and amongst several regiments of the + army a horrible practice had sprung up, which for some time caused the + greatest alarm to the Government. This was a strange frightful custom of + CHILD-MURDER. The men used to say that life was unbearable, that suicide + was a crime; in order to avert which, and to finish with the intolerable + misery of their position, the best plan was to kill a young child, which + was innocent, and therefore secure of heaven, and then to deliver + themselves up as guilty of the murder. The King himself—the hero, + sage, and philosopher, the prince who had always liberality on his lips + and who affected a horror of capital punishments—was frightened at + this dreadful protest, on the part of the wretches whom he had kidnapped, + against his monstrous tyranny; but his only means of remedying the evil + was strictly to forbid that such criminals should be attended by any + ecclesiastic whatever, and denied all religious consolation. + </p> + <p> + The punishment was incessant. Every officer had the liberty to inflict it, + and in peace it was more cruel than in war. For when peace came the King + turned adrift such of his officers as were not noble; whatever their + services might have been. He would call a captain to the front of his + company and say, ‘He is not noble, let him go.’ We were afraid of him + somehow, and were cowed before him like wild beasts before their keeper. I + have seen the bravest men of the army cry like children at a cut of the + cane; I have seen a little ensign of fifteen call out a man of fifty from + the ranks, a man who had been in a hundred battles, and he has stood + presenting arms, and sobbing and howling like a baby, while the young + wretch lashed him over the arms and thighs with the stick. In a day of + action this man would dare anything. A button might be awry THEN and + nobody touched him; but when they had made the brute fight, then they + lashed him again into subordination. Almost all of us yielded to the spell—scarce + one could break it. The French officer I have spoken of as taken along + with me, was in my company, and caned like a dog. I met him at Versailles + twenty years afterwards, and he turned quite pale and sick when I spoke to + him of old days. ‘For God’s sake,’ said he, ‘don’t talk of that time: I + wake up from my sleep trembling and crying even now.’ + </p> + <p> + As for me, after a very brief time (in which it must be confessed I + tasted, like my comrades, of the cane) and after I had found opportunities + to show myself to be a brave and dexterous soldier, I took the means I had + adopted in the English army to prevent any further personal degradation. I + wore a bullet around my neck, which I did not take the pains to conceal, + and I gave out that it should be for the man or officer who caused me to + be chastised. And there was something in my character which made my + superiors believe me; for that bullet had already served me to kill an + Austrian colonel, and I would have given it to a Prussian with as little + remorse. For what cared I for their quarrels, or whether the eagle under + which I marched had one head or two? All I said was, ‘No man shall find me + tripping in my duty; but no man shall ever lay a hand upon me.’ And by + this maxim I abided as long as I remained in the service. + </p> + <p> + I do not intend to make a history of battles in the Prussian any more than + in the English service. I did my duty in them as well as another, and by + the time that my moustache had grown to a decent length, which it did when + I was twenty years of age, there was not a braver, cleverer, handsomer, + and I must own, wickeder soldier in the Prussian army. I had formed myself + to the condition of the proper fighting beast; on a day of action I was + savage and happy; out of the field I took all the pleasure I could get, + and was by no means delicate as to its quality or the manner of procuring + it. The truth is, however, that there was among our men a much higher tone + of society than among the clumsy louts in the English army, and our + service was generally so strict that we had little time for doing + mischief. I am very dark and swarthy in complexion, and was called by our + fellows the ‘Black Englander,’ the ‘Schwartzer Englander,’ or the English + Devil. If any service was to be done, I was sure to be put upon it. I got + frequent gratifications of money, but no promotion; and it was on the day + after I had killed the Austrian colonel (a great officer of Uhlans, whom I + engaged—singly and on foot) that General Bulow, my colonel, gave me + two Frederics-d’or in front of the regiment, and said, ‘I reward thee now; + but I fear I shall have to hang thee one day or other.’ I spent the money, + and that I had taken from the colonel’s body, every groschen, that night + with some jovial companions; but as long as war lasted was never without a + dollar in my purse. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0007" id="link2HCH0007"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VII. BARRY LEADS A GARRISON LIFE, AND FINDS MANY FRIENDS THERE + </h2> + <p> + After the war our regiment was garrisoned in the capital, the least dull, + perhaps, of all the towns of Prussia: but that does not say much for its + gaiety. Our service, which was always severe, still left many hours of the + day disengaged, in which we might take our pleasure had we the means of + paying for the same. Many of our mess got leave to work in trades; but I + had been brought up to none: and besides, my honour forbade me; for as a + gentleman, I could not soil my fingers by a manual occupation. But our pay + was barely enough to keep us from starving; and as I have always been fond + of pleasure, and as the position in which we now were, in the midst of the + capital, prevented us from resorting to those means of levying + contributions which are always pretty feasible in wartime, I was obliged + to adopt the only means left me of providing for my expenses: and in a + word became the ORDONNANZ, or confidential military gentleman, of my + captain. I spurned the office four years previously, when it was made to + me in the English service; but the position is very different in a foreign + country; besides, to tell the truth, after five years in the ranks, a + man’s pride will submit to many rebuffs which would be intolerable to him + in an independent condition. + </p> + <p> + The captain was a young man and had distinguished himself during the war, + or he would never have been advanced to rank so early. He was, moreover, + the nephew and heir of the Minister of Police, Monsieur de Potzdorff, a + relationship which no doubt aided in the young gentleman’s promotion. + Captain de Potzdorff was a severe officer enough on parade or in barracks, + but he was a person easily led by flattery. I won his heart in the first + place by my manner of tying my hair in queue (indeed, it was more neatly + dressed than that of any man in the regiment), and subsequently gained his + confidence by a thousand little arts and compliments, which as a gentleman + myself I knew how to employ. He was a man of pleasure, which he pursued + more openly than most men in the stern Court of the King; he was generous + and careless with his purse, and he had a great affection for Rhine wine: + in all which qualities I sincerely sympathised with him; and from which I, + of course, had my profit. He was disliked in the regiment, because he was + supposed to have too intimate relations with his uncle the Police + Minister; to whom, it was hinted, he carried the news of the corps. + </p> + <p> + Before long I had ingratiated myself considerably with my officer, and + knew most of his affairs. Thus I was relieved from many drills and + parades, which would otherwise have fallen to my lot, and came in for a + number of perquisites; which enabled me to support a genteel figure and to + appear with some ECLAT in a certain, though it must be confessed very + humble, society in Berlin. Among the ladies I was always an especial + favourite, and so polished was my behaviour amongst them, that they could + not understand how I should have obtained my frightful nickname of the + Black Devil in the regiment. ‘He is not so black as he is painted,’ I + laughingly would say; and most of the ladies agreed that the private was + quite as well-bred as the captain: as indeed how should it be otherwise, + considering my education and birth? + </p> + <p> + When I was sufficiently ingratiated with him, I asked leave to address a + letter to my poor mother in Ireland, to whom I had not given any news of + myself for many many years; for the letters of the foreign soldiers were + never admitted to the post, for fear of appeals or disturbances on the + part of their parents abroad. My captain agreed to find means to forward + the letter, and as I knew that he would open it, I took care to give it + him unsealed; thus showing my confidence in him. But the letter was, as + you may imagine, written so that the writer should come to no harm were it + intercepted. I begged my honoured mother’s forgiveness for having fled + from her; I said that my extravagance and folly in my own country I knew + rendered my return thither impossible; but that she would, at least, be + glad to know that I was well and happy in the service of the greatest + monarch in the world, and that the soldier’s life was most agreeable to + me: and, I added, that I had found a kind protector and patron, who I + hoped would some day provide for me as I knew it was out of her power to + do. I offered remembrances to all the girls at Castle Brady, naming them + from Biddy to Becky downwards, and signed myself, as in truth I was, her + affectionate son, Redmond Barry, in Captain Potzdorffs company of the + Bulowisch regiment of foot in garrison at Berlin. Also I told her a + pleasant story about the King kicking the Chancellor and three judges + downstairs, as he had done one day when I was on guard at Potsdam, and + said I hoped for another war soon, when I might rise to be an officer. In + fact, you might have imagined my letter to be that of the happiest fellow + in the world, and I was not on this head at all sorry to mislead my kind + parent. + </p> + <p> + I was sure my letter was read, for Captain Potzdorff began asking me some + days afterwards about my family, and I told him the circumstances pretty + truly, all things considered. I was a cadet of a good family, but my + mother was almost ruined and had barely enough to support her eight + daughters, whom I named. I had been to study for the law at Dublin, where + I had got into debt and bad company, had killed a man in a duel, and would + be hanged or imprisoned by his powerful friends, if I returned. I had + enlisted in the English service, where an opportunity for escape presented + itself to me such as I could not resist; and hereupon I told the story of + Mr. Fakenham of Fakenham in such a way as made my patron to be convulsed + with laughter, and he told me afterwards that he had repeated the story at + Madame de Kamake’s evening assembly, where all the world was anxious to + have a sight of the young Englander. + </p> + <p> + ‘Was the British Ambassador there?’ I asked, in a tone of the greatest + alarm, and added, ‘For Heaven’s sake, sir, do not tell my name to him, or + he might ask to have me delivered up: and I have no fancy to go to be + hanged in my dear native country.’ Potzdorff, laughing, said he would take + care that I should remain where I was, on which I swore eternal gratitude + to him. + </p> + <p> + Some days afterwards, and with rather a grave face, he said to me, + ‘Redmond, I have been talking to our colonel about you, and as I wondered + that a fellow of your courage and talents had not been advanced during the + war, the general said they had had their eye upon you: that you were a + gallant soldier, and had evidently come of a good stock; that no man in + the regiment had had less fault found with him; but that no man merited + promotion less. You were idle, dissolute, and unprincipled; you had done a + deal of harm to the men; and, for all your talents and bravery, he was + sure would come to no good.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Sir!’ said I, quite astonished that any mortal man should have formed + such an opinion of me, ‘I hope General Bulow is mistaken regarding my + character. I have fallen into bad company, it is true; but I have only + done as other soldiers have done; and, above all, I have never had a kind + friend and protector before, to whom I might show that I was worthy of + better things. The general may say I am a ruined lad, and send me to the d—-l: + but be sure of this, I would go to the d—-l to serve YOU.’ This + speech I saw pleased my patron very much; and, as I was very discreet and + useful in a thousand delicate ways to him, he soon came to have a sincere + attachment for me. One day, or rather night, when he was tete-a-tete with + the lady of the Tabaks Rath von Dose for instance, I—But there is no + use in telling affairs which concern nobody now. + </p> + <p> + Four months after my letter to my mother, I got, under cover to the + Captain, a reply, which created in my mind a yearning after home, and a + melancholy which I cannot describe. I had not seen the dear soul’s writing + for five years. All the old days, and the fresh happy sunshine of the old + green fields in Ireland, and her love, and my uncle, and Phil Purcell, and + everything that I had done and thought, came back to me as I read the + letter; and when I was alone I cried over it, as I hadn’t done since the + day when Nora jilted me. I took care not to show my feelings to the + regiment or my captain: but that night, when I was to have taken tea at + the Garden-house outside Brandenburg Gate, with Fraulein Lottchen (the + Tabaks Rathinn’s gentlewoman of company), I somehow had not the courage to + go; but begged to be excused, and went early to bed in barracks, out of + which I went and came now almost as I willed, and passed a long night + weeping and thinking about dear Ireland. + </p> + <p> + Next day, my spirits rose again and I got a ten-guinea bill cashed, which + my mother sent in the letter, and gave a handsome treat to some of my + acquaintance. The poor soul’s letter was blotted all over with tears, full + of texts, and written in the wildest incoherent way. She said she was + delighted to think I was under a Protestant prince, though she feared he + was not in the right way: that right way, she said, she had the blessing + to find, under the guidance of the Reverend Joshua Jowls, whom she sat + under. She said he was a precious chosen vessel; a sweet ointment and + precious box of spikenard; and made use of a great number more phrases + that I could not understand; but one thing was clear in the midst of all + this jargon, that the good soul loved her son still, and thought and + prayed day and night for her wild Redmond. Has it not come across many a + poor fellow, in a solitary night’s watch, or in sorrow, sickness, or + captivity, that at that very minute, most likely, his mother is praying + for him? I often have had these thoughts; but they are none of the gayest, + and it’s quite as well that they don’t come to you in company; for where + would be a set of jolly fellows then?—as mute as undertakers at a + funeral, I promise you. I drank my mother’s health that night in a bumper, + and lived like a gentleman whilst the money lasted. She pinched herself to + give it me, as she told me afterwards; and Mr. Jowls was very wroth with + her. Although the good soul’s money was very quickly spent, I was not long + in getting more; for I had a hundred ways of getting it, and became a + universal favourite with the Captain and his friends. Now, it was Madame + von Dose who gave me a Frederic-d’or for bringing her a bouquet or a + letter from the Captain; now it was, on the contrary, the old Privy + Councillor who treated me with a bottle of Rhenish, and slipped into my + hand a dollar or two, in order that I might give him some information + regarding the liaison between my captain and his lady. But though I was + not such a fool as not to take his money, you may be sure I was not + dishonourable enough to betray my benefactor; and he got very little out + of ME. When the Captain and the lady fell out, and he began to pay his + addresses to the rich daughter of the Dutch Minister, I don’t know how + many more letters and guineas the unfortunate Tabaks Rathinn handed over + to me, that I might get her lover back again. But such returns are rare in + love, and the Captain used only to laugh at her stale sighs and + entreaties. In the house of Mynheer Van Guldensack I made myself so + pleasant to high and low, that I came to be quite intimate there: and got + the knowledge of a state secret or two, which surprised and pleased my + captain very much. These little hints he carried to his uncle, the + Minister of Police, who, no doubt, made his advantage of them; and thus I + began to be received quite in a confidential light by the Potzdorff + family, and became a mere nominal soldier, being allowed to appear in + plain clothes (which were, I warrant you, of a neat fashion), and to enjoy + myself in a hundred ways, which the poor fellows my comrades envied. As + for the sergeants, they were as civil to me as to an officer: it was as + much as their stripes were worth to offend a person who had the ear of the + Minister’s nephew. There was in my company a young fellow by the name of + Kurz, who was six feet high in spite of his name, and whose life I had + saved in some affair of the war. What does this lad do, after I had + recounted to him one of my adventures, but call me a spy and informer, and + beg me not to call him DU any more, as is the fashion with young men when + they are very intimate. I had nothing for it but to call him out; but I + owed him no grudge. I disarmed him in a twinkling; and as I sent his sword + flying over his head, said to him, ‘Kurz, did ever you know a man guilty + of a mean action who can do as I do now?’ This silenced the rest of the + grumblers; and no man ever sneered at me after that. + </p> + <p> + No man can suppose that to a person of my fashion the waiting in + antechambers, the conversation of footmen and hangers-on, was pleasant. + But it was not more degrading than the barrack-room, of which I need not + say I was heartily sick. My protestations of liking for the army were all + intended to throw dust into the eyes of my employer. I sighed to be out of + slavery. I knew I was born to make a figure in the world. Had I been one + of the Neiss garrison, I would have cut my way to freedom by the side of + the gallant Frenchman; but here I had only artifice to enable me to attain + my end, and was not I justified in employing it? My plan was this: I may + make myself so necessary to M. de Potzdorff, that he will obtain my + freedom. Once free, with my fine person and good family, I will do what + ten thousand Irish gentlemen have done before, and will marry a lady of + fortune and condition. And the proof that I was, if not disinterested, at + least actuated by a noble ambition, is this. There was a fat grocer’s + widow in Berlin with six hundred thalers of rent, and a good business, who + gave me to understand that she would purchase my discharge if I would + marry her; but I frankly told her that I was not made to be a grocer, and + thus absolutely flung away a chance of freedom which she offered me. + </p> + <p> + And I was grateful to my employers; more grateful than they to me. The + Captain was in debt, and had dealings with the Jews, to whom he gave notes + of hand payable on his uncle’s death. The old Herr von Potzdorff, seeing + the confidence his nephew had in me, offered to bribe me to know what the + young man’s affairs really were. But what did I do? I informed Monsieur + George von Potzdorff of the fact; and we made out, in concert, a list of + little debts, so moderate, that they actually appeased the old uncle + instead of irritating, and he paid them, being glad to get off so cheap. + </p> + <p> + And a pretty return I got for this fidelity. One morning, the old + gentleman being closeted with his nephew (he used to come to get any news + stirring as to what the young officers of the regiment were doing: whether + this or that gambled; who intrigued, and with whom; who was at the ridotto + on such a night; who was in debt, and what not; for the King liked to know + the business of every officer in his army), I was sent with a letter to + the Marquis d’Argens (that afterwards married Mademoiselle Cochois the + actress), and, meeting the Marquis at a few paces off in the street, gave + my message, and returned to the Captain’s lodging. He and his worthy uncle + were making my unworthy self the subject of conversation. + </p> + <p> + ‘He is noble,’ said the Captain. + </p> + <p> + ‘Bah!’ replied the uncle (whom I could have throttled for his insolence). + ‘All the beggarly Irish who ever enlisted tell the same story.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘He was kidnapped by Galgenstein,’ resumed the other. + </p> + <p> + ‘A kidnapped deserter,’ said M. Potzdorff; ‘la belle affaire!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Well, I promised the lad I would ask for his discharge; and I am sure you + can make him useful.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘You HAVE asked his discharge,’ answered the elder, laughing. ‘Bon Dieu! + You are a model of probity! You’ll never succeed to my place, George, if + you are no wiser than you are just now. Make the fellow as useful to you + as you please. He has a good manner and a frank countenance. He can lie + with an assurance that I never saw surpassed, and fight, you say, on a + pinch. The scoundrel does not want for good qualities; but he is vain, a + spendthrift, and a bavard. As long as you have the regiment in terrorem + over him, you can do as you like with him. Once let him loose, and the lad + is likely to give you the slip. Keep on promising him; promise to make him + a general, if you like. What the deuce do I care? There are spies enough + to be had in this town without him.’ + </p> + <p> + It was thus that the services I rendered to M. Potzdorff were qualified by + that ungrateful old gentleman; and I stole away from the room extremely + troubled in spirit, to think that another of my fond dreams was thus + dispelled; and that my hopes of getting out of the army, by being useful + to the Captain, were entirely vain. For some time my despair was such, + that I thought of marrying the widow; but the marriages of privates are + never allowed without the direct permission of the King; and it was a + matter of very great doubt whether His Majesty would allow a young fellow + of twenty-two, the handsomest man of his army, to be coupled to a + pimplefaced old widow of sixty, who was quite beyond the age when her + marriage would be likely to multiply the subjects of His Majesty. This + hope of liberty was therefore vain; nor could I hope to purchase my + discharge, unless any charitable soul would lend me a large sum of money; + for, though I made a good deal, as I have said, yet I have always had + through life an incorrigible knack of spending, and (such is my generosity + of disposition) have been in debt ever since I was born. + </p> + <p> + My captain, the sly rascal! gave me a very different version of his + conversation with his uncle to that which I knew to be the true one; and + said smilingly to me, ‘Redmond, I have spoken to the Minister regarding + thy services,[Footnote: The service about which Mr. Barry here speaks has, + and we suspect purposely, been described by him in very dubious terms. It + is most probable that he was employed to wait at the table of strangers in + Berlin, and to bring to the Police Minister any news concerning them which + might at all interest the Government. The great Frederick never received a + guest without taking these hospitable precautions; and as for the duels + which Mr. Barry fights, may we be allowed to hint a doubt as to a great + number of these combats. It will be observed, in one or two other parts of + his Memoirs, that whenever he is at an awkward pass, or does what the + world does not usually consider respectable, a duel, in which he is + victorious, is sure to ensue; from which he argues that he is a man of + undoubted honour.] and thy fortune is made. We shall get thee out of the + army, appoint thee to the police bureau, and procure for thee an + inspectorship of customs; and, in fine, allow thee to move in a better + sphere than that in which Fortune has hitherto placed thee. + </p> + <p> + Although I did not believe a word of this speech, I affected to be very + much moved by it, and of course swore eternal gratitude to the Captain for + his kindness to the poor Irish castaway. + </p> + <p> + ‘Your service at the Dutch Minister’s has pleased me very well. There is + another occasion on which you may make yourself useful to us; and if you + succeed, depend on it your reward will be secure.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘What is the service, sir?’ said I; ‘I will do anything for so kind a + master.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘There is lately come to Berlin,’ said the Captain, ‘a gentleman in the + service of the Empress-Queen, who calls himself the Chevalier de Balibari, + and wears the red riband and star of the Pope’s order of the Spur. He + speaks Italian or French indifferently; but we have some reason to fancy + this Monsieur de Balibari is a native of your country of Ireland. Did you + ever hear such a name as Balibari in Ireland?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Balibari? Balyb—?’ A sudden thought flashed across me. ‘No, sir,’ + said I, ‘I never heard the name.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘You must go into his service. Of course you will not know a word of + English: and if the Chevalier asks as to the particularity of your accent, + say you are a Hungarian. The servant who came with him will be turned away + to-day, and the person to whom he has applied for a faithful fellow will + recommend you. You are a Hungarian; you served in the Seven Years’ War. + You left the army on account of weakness of the loins. You served Monsieur + de Quellenberg two years; he is now with the army in Silesia, but there is + your certificate signed by him. You afterwards lived with Doctor Mopsius, + who will give you a character, if need be; and the landlord of the “Star” + will, of course, certify that you are an honest fellow: but his + certificate goes for nothing. As for the rest of your story, you can + fashion that as you will, and make it as romantic or as ludicrous as your + fancy dictates. Try, however, to win the Chevalier’s confidence by + provoking his compassion. He gambles a great deal, and WINS. Do you know + the cards well?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Only a very little, as soldiers do.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I had thought you more expert. You must find out if the Chevalier cheats; + if he does, we have him. He sees the English and Austrian envoys + continually, and the young men of either Ministry sup repeatedly at his + house. Find out what they talk of; for how much each plays, especially if + any of them play on parole: if you can read his private letters, of course + you will; though about those which go to the post, you need not trouble + yourself; we look at them there. But never see him write a note without + finding out to whom it goes, and by what channel or messenger. He sleeps + with the keys of his despatch-box on a string round his neck. Twenty + Frederics, if you get an impression of the keys. You will, of course, go + in plain clothes. You had best brush the powder out of your hair, and tie + it with a riband simply; your moustache you must of course shave off. + </p> + <p> + With these instructions, and a very small gratuity, the Captain left me. + When I again saw him, he was amused at the change in my appearance. I had, + not without a pang (for they were as black as jet, and curled elegantly), + shaved off my moustaches; had removed the odious grease and flour, which I + always abominated, out of my hair; had mounted a demure French grey coat, + black satin breeches, and a maroon plush waistcoat, and a hat without a + cockade. I looked as meek and humble as any servant out of place could + possibly appear; and I think not my own regiment, which was now at the + review at Potsdam, would have known me. Thus accoutred, I went to the + ‘Star Hotel,’ where this stranger was,—my heart beating with + anxiety, and something telling me that this Chevalier de Balibari was no + other than Barry, of Ballybarry, my father’s eldest brother, who had given + up his estate in consequence of his obstinate adherence to the Romish + superstition. Before I went in to present myself, I went to look in the + remises at his carriage. Had he the Barry arms? Yes, there they were: + argent, a bend gules, with four escallops of the field,—the ancient + coat of my house. They were painted in a shield about as big as my hat, on + a smart chariot handsomely gilded, surmounted with a coronet, and + supported by eight or nine Cupids, cornucopias, and flower-baskets, + according to the queer heraldic fashion of those days. It must be he! I + felt quite feint as I went up the stairs. I was going to present myself + before my uncle in the character of a servant! + </p> + <p> + ‘You are the young man whom M. de Seebach recommended?’ + </p> + <p> + I bowed, and handed him a letter from that gentleman, with which my + captain had taken care to provide me. As he looked at it I had leisure to + examine him. My uncle was a man of sixty years of age, dressed superbly in + a coat and breeches of apricot-coloured velvet, a white satin waistcoat + embroidered with gold like the coat. Across his breast went the purple + riband of his order of the Spur; and the star of the order, an enormous + one, sparkled on his breast. He had rings on all his fingers, a couple of + watches in his fobs, a rich diamond solitaire in the black riband round + his neck, and fastened to the bag of his wig; his ruffles and frills were + decorated with a profusion of the richest lace. He had pink silk stockings + rolled over the knee, and tied with gold garters; and enormous diamond + buckles to his red-heeled shoes. A sword mounted in gold, in a white + fish-skin scabbard; and a hat richly laced, and lined with white feathers, + which were lying on a table beside him, completed the costume of this + splendid gentleman. In height he was about my size, that is, six feet and + half an inch; his cast of features singularly like mine, and extremely + distingue. One of his eyes was closed with a black patch, however; he wore + a little white and red paint, by no means an unusual ornament in those + days; and a pair of moustaches, which fell over his lip and hid a mouth + that I afterwards found had rather a disagreeable expression. When his + beard was removed, the upper teeth appeared to project very much; and his + countenance wore a ghastly fixed smile, by no means pleasant. + </p> + <p> + It was very imprudent of me; but when I saw the splendour of his + appearance, the nobleness of his manner, I felt it impossible to keep + disguise with him; and when he said, ‘Ah, you are a Hungarian, I see!’ I + could hold no longer. + </p> + <p> + ‘Sir,’ said I, ‘I am an Irishman, and my name is Redmond Barry, of + Ballybarry.’ As I spoke, I burst into tears; I can’t tell why; but I had + seen none of my kith or kin for six years, and my heart longed for some + one. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0008" id="link2HCH0008"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VIII. BARRY’S ADIEU TO MILITARY PROFESSION + </h2> + <p> + You who have never been out of your country, know little what it is to + hear a friendly voice in captivity; and there’s many a man that will not + understand the cause of the burst of feeling which I have confessed took + place on my seeing my uncle. He never for a minute thought to question the + truth of what I said. ‘Mother of God!’ cried he, ‘it’s my brother Harry’s + son.’ And I think in my heart he was as much affected as I was at thus + suddenly finding one of his kindred; for he, too, was an exile from home, + and a friendly voice, a look, brought the old country back to his memory + again, and the old days of his boyhood. ‘I’d give five years of my life to + see them again,’ said he, after caressing me very warmly. ‘What?’ asked I. + ‘Why,’ replied he, ‘the green fields, and the river, and the old round + tower, and the burying-place at Ballybarry. ‘Twas a shame for your father + to part with the land, Redmond, that went so long with the name.’ + </p> + <p> + He then began to ask me concerning myself, and I gave him my history at + some length; at which the worthy gentleman laughed many times, saying, + that I was a Barry all over. In the middle of my story he would stop me, + to make me stand back to back, and measure with him (by which I + ascertained that our heights were the same, and that my uncle had a stiff + knee, moreover, which made him walk in a peculiar way), and uttered, + during the course of the narrative, a hundred exclamations of pity, and + kindness, and sympathy. It was ‘Holy Saints!’ and ‘Mother of Heaven!’ and + ‘Blessed Mary!’ continually; by which, and with justice, I concluded that + he was still devotedly attached to the ancient faith of our family. + </p> + <p> + It was with some difficulty that I came to explain to him the last part of + my history, viz., that I was put into his service as a watch upon his + actions, of which I was to give information in a certain quarter. When I + told him (with a great deal of hesitation) of this fact, he burst out + laughing, and enjoyed the joke amazingly. ‘The rascals!’ said he; ‘they + think to catch me, do they? Why, Redmond, my chief conspiracy is a + faro-bank. But the King is so jealous, that he will see a spy in every + person who comes to his miserable capital in the great sandy desert here. + Ah, my boy, I must show you Paris and Vienna!’ + </p> + <p> + I said there was nothing I longed for more than to see any city but + Berlin, and should be delighted to be free of the odious military service. + Indeed, I thought, from his splendour of appearance, the knickknacks about + the room, the gilded carriage in the remise, that my uncle was a man of + vast property; and that he would purchase a dozen, nay, a whole regiment + of substitutes, in order to restore me to freedom. + </p> + <p> + But I was mistaken in my calculations regarding him, as his history of + himself speedily showed me. ‘I have been beaten about the world,’ said he, + ‘ever since the year 1742, when my brother your father (and Heaven forgive + him) cut my family estate from under my heels, by turning heretic, in + order to marry that scold of a mother of yours. Well, let bygones be + bygones. ‘Tis probable that I should have run through the little property + as he did in my place, and I should have had to begin a year or two later + the life I have been leading ever since I was compelled to leave Ireland. + My lad, I have been in every service; and, between ourselves, owe money in + every capital in Europe. I made a campaign or two with the Pandours under + Austrian Trenck. I was captain in the Guard of His Holiness the Pope, I + made the campaign of Scotland with the Prince of Wales—a bad fellow, + my dear, caring more for his mistress and his brandy-bottle than for the + crowns of the three kingdoms. I have served in Spain and in Piedmont; but + I have been a rolling stone, my good fellow. Play—play has been my + ruin; that and beauty’ (here he gave a leer which made him, I must + confess, look anything but handsome; besides, his rouged cheeks were all + beslobbered with the tears which he had shed on receiving me). ‘The women + have made a fool of me, my dear Redmond. I am a soft-hearted creature, and + this minute, at sixty-two, have no more command of myself than when Peggy + O’Dwyer made a fool of me at sixteen.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘’Faith sir,’ says I, laughing, ‘I think it runs in the family!’ and + described to him, much to his amusement, my romantic passion for my + cousin, Nora Brady. He resumed his narrative. + </p> + <p> + ‘The cards now are my only livelihood. Sometimes I am in luck, and then I + lay out my money in these trinkets you see. It’s property, look you, + Redmond; and the only way I have found of keeping a little about me. When + the luck goes against me, why, my dear, my diamonds go to the pawnbrokers, + and I wear paste. Friend Moses the goldsmith will pay me a visit this very + day; for the chances have been against me all the week past, and I must + raise money for the bank to-night. Do you understand the cards?’ + </p> + <p> + I replied that I could play as soldiers do, but had no great skill. + </p> + <p> + ‘We will practise in the morning, my boy,’ said he, ‘and I’ll put you up + to a thing or two worth knowing.’ + </p> + <p> + Of course I was glad to have such an opportunity of acquiring knowledge, + and professed myself delighted to receive my uncle’s instruction. + </p> + <p> + The Chevalier’s account of himself rather disagreeably affected me. All + his show was on his back, as he said. His carriage, with the fine gilding, + was a part of his stock in trade. He HAD a sort of mission from the + Austrian Court:—it was to discover whether a certain quantity of + alloyed ducats which had been traced to Berlin, were from the King’s + treasury. But the real end of Monsieur de Balibari was play. There was a + young attache of the English embassy, my Lord Deuceace, afterwards + Viscount and Earl of Crabs in the English peerage, who was playing high; + and it was after hearing of the passion of this young English nobleman + that my uncle, then at Prague, determined to visit Berlin and engage him. + For there is a sort of chivalry among the knights of the dice-box: the + fame of great players is known all over Europe. I have known the Chevalier + de Casanova, for instance, to travel six hundred miles, from Paris to + Turin, for the purpose of meeting Mr. Charles Fox, then only my Lord + Holland’s dashing son, afterwards the greatest of European orators and + statesmen. + </p> + <p> + It was agreed that I should keep my character of valet; that in the + presence of strangers I should not know a word of English; that I should + keep a good look-out on the trumps when I was serving the champagne and + punch about; and, having a remarkably fine eyesight and a great natural + aptitude, I was speedily able to give my dear uncle much assistance + against his opponents at the green table. Some prudish persons may affect + indignation at the frankness of these confessions, but Heaven pity them! + Do you suppose that any man who has lost or won a hundred thousand pounds + at play will not take the advantages which his neighbour enjoys? They are + all the same. But it is only the clumsy fool who CHEATS; who resorts to + the vulgar expedients of cogged dice and cut cards. Such a man is sure to + go wrong some time or other, and is not fit to play in the society of + gallant gentlemen; and my advice to people who see such a vulgar person at + his pranks is, of course, to back him while he plays, but never—never + to have anything to do with him. Play grandly, honourably. Be not, of + course, cast down at losing; but above all, be not eager at winning, as + mean souls are. And, indeed, with all one’s skill and advantages, winning + is often problematical; I have seen a sheer ignoramus that knows no more + of play than of Hebrew, blunder you out of five thousand pounds in a few + turns of the cards. I have seen a gentleman and his confederate play + against another and HIS confederate. One never is secure in these cases: + and when one considers the time and labour spent, the genius, the anxiety, + the outlay of money required, the multiplicity of bad debts that one meets + with (for dishonourable rascals are to be found at the play-table, as + everywhere else in the world), I say, for my part, the profession is a bad + one; and, indeed, have scarcely ever met a man who, in the end, profited + by it. I am writing now with the experience of a man of the world. At the + time I speak of I was a lad, dazzled by the idea of wealth, and + respecting, certainly too much, my uncle’s superior age and station in + life. + </p> + <p> + There is no need to particularise here the little arrangements made + between us; the playmen of the present day want no instruction, I take it, + and the public have little interest in the matter. But simplicity was our + secret. Everything successful is simple. If, for instance, I wiped the + dust off a chair with my napkin, it was to show that the enemy was strong + in diamonds; if I pushed it, he had ace, king; if I said, ‘Punch or wine, + my Lord?’ hearts was meant; if ‘Wine or punch?’ clubs. If I blew my nose, + it was to indicate that there was another confederate employed by the + adversary; and THEN, I warrant you, some pretty trials of skill would take + place. My Lord Deuceace, although so young, had a very great skill and + cleverness with the cards in every way; and it was only from hearing Frank + Punter, who came with him, yawn three times when the Chevalier had the ace + of trumps, that I knew we were Greek to Greek, as it were. + </p> + <p> + My assumed dulness was perfect; and I used to make Monsieur de Potzdorff + laugh with it, when I carried my little reports to him at the Garden-house + outside the town where he gave me rendezvous. These reports, of course, + were arranged between me and my uncle beforehand. I was instructed (and it + is always far the best way) to tell as much truth as my story would + possibly bear. When, for instance, he would ask me, ‘What does the + Chevalier do of a morning?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘He goes to church regularly’ (he was very religious), ‘and after hearing + mass comes home to breakfast. Then he takes an airing in his chariot till + dinner, which is served at noon. After dinner he writes his letters, if he + have any letters to write: but he has very little to do in this way. His + letters are to the Austrian envoy, with whom he corresponds, but who does + not acknowledge him; and being written in English, of course I look over + his shoulder. He generally writes for money. He says he wants it to bribe + the secretaries of the Treasury, in order to find out really where the + alloyed ducats come from; but, in fact, he wants it to play of evenings, + when he makes his party with Calsabigi, the lottery-contractor, the + Russian attaches, two from the English embassy, my Lords Deuceace and + Punter, who play a jeu d’enfer, and a few more. The same set meet every + night at supper: there are seldom any ladies; those who come are chiefly + French ladies, members of the corps de ballet. He wins often, but not + always. Lord Deuceace is a very fine player. The Chevalier Elliot, the + English Minister, sometimes comes, on which occasion the secretaries do + not play. Monsieur de Balibari dines at the missions, but en petit comite, + not on grand days of reception. Calsabigi, I think, is his confederate at + play. He has won lately; but the week before last he pledged his solitaire + for four hundred ducats.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Do he and the English attaches talk together in their own language?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Yes; he and the envoy spoke yesterday for half-an-hour about the new + danseuse and the American troubles: chiefly about the new danseuse.’ + </p> + <p> + It will be seen that the information I gave was very minute and accurate, + though not very important. But such as it was, it was carried to the ears + of that famous hero and warrior the Philosopher of Sans Souci; and there + was not a stranger who entered the capital but his actions were similarly + spied and related to Frederick the Great. + </p> + <p> + As long as the play was confined to the young men of the different + embassies, His Majesty did not care to prevent it; nay, he encouraged play + at all the missions, knowing full well that a man in difficulties can be + made to speak, and that a timely rouleau of Frederics would often get him + a secret worth many thousands. He got some papers from the French house in + this way: and I have no doubt that my Lord Deuceace would have supplied + him with information at a similar rate, had his chief not known the young + nobleman’s character pretty well, and had (as is usually the case) the + work of the mission performed by a steady roturier, while the young + brilliant bloods of the suite sported their embroidery at the balls, or + shook their Mechlin ruffles over the green tables at faro. I have seen + many scores of these young sprigs since, of these and their principals, + and, mon Dieu! what fools they are! What dullards, what fribbles, what + addle-headed simple coxcombs! This is one of the lies of the world, this + diplomacy; or how could we suppose, that were the profession as difficult + as the solemn red-box and tape-men would have us believe, they would + invariably choose for it little pink-faced boys from school, with no other + claim than mamma’s title, and able at most to judge of a curricle, a new + dance, or a neat boot? + </p> + <p> + When it became known, however, to the officers of the garrison that there + was a faro-table in town, they were wild to be admitted to the sport; and, + in spite of my entreaties to the contrary, my uncle was not averse to + allow the young gentlemen their fling, and once or twice cleared a + handsome sum out of their purses. It was in vain I told him that I must + carry the news to my captain, before whom his comrades would not fail to + talk, and who would thus know of the intrigue even without my information. + </p> + <p> + ‘Tell him,’ said my uncle. + </p> + <p> + ‘They will send you away,’ said I; ‘then what is to become of me?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Make your mind easy,’ said the latter, with a smile; ‘you shall not be + left behind, I warrant you. Go take a last look at your barracks, make + your mind easy; say a farewell to your friends in Berlin. The dear souls, + how they will weep when they hear you are out of the country; and, as sure + as my name is Barry, out of it you shall go!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘But how, sir?’ said I. + </p> + <p> + ‘Recollect Mr. Fakenham of Fakenham,’ said he knowingly. ‘’Tis you + yourself taught me how. Go get me one of my wigs. Open my despatch-box + yonder, where the great secrets of the Austrian Chancery lie; put your + hair back off you forehead; clap me on this patch and these moustaches, + and now look in the glass!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘The Chevalier de Balibari,’ said I, bursting with laughter, and began + walking the room in his manner with his stiff knee. + </p> + <p> + The next day, when I went to make my report to Monsieur de Potzdorff, I + told him of the young Prussian officers that had been of late gambling; + and he replied, as I expected, that the King had determined to send the + Chevalier out of the country. + </p> + <p> + ‘He is a stingy curmudgeon,’ I replied; ‘I have had but three Frederics + from him in two months, and I hope you will remember your promise to + advance me!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Why, three Frederics were too much for the news you have picked up,’ said + the Captain, sneering. + </p> + <p> + ‘It is not my fault that there has been no more,’ I replied. ‘When is he + to go, sir?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘The day after to-morrow. You say he drives after breakfast and before + dinner. When he comes out to his carriage, a couple of gendarmes will + mount the box, and the coachman will get his orders to move on.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘And his baggage, sir?’ said I. + </p> + <p> + ‘Oh! that will be sent after him. I have a fancy to look into that red box + which contains his papers, you say; and at noon, after parade, shall be at + the inn. You will not say a word to any one there regarding the affair, + and will wait for me at the Chevalier’s rooms until my arrival. We must + force that box. You are a clumsy hound, or you would have got the key long + ago!’ + </p> + <p> + I begged the Captain to remember me, and so took my leave of him. The next + night I placed a couple of pistols under the carriage seat; and I think + the adventures of the following day are quite worthy of the honours of a + separate chapter. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0009" id="link2HCH0009"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER IX. I APPEAR IN A MANNER BECOMING MY NAME AND LINEAGE + </h2> + <p> + Fortune smiling at parting upon Monsieur de Balibari, enabled him to win a + handsome sum with his faro-bank. + </p> + <p> + At ten o’clock the next morning, the carriage of the Chevalier de Balibari + drew up as usual at the door of his hotel; and the Chevalier, who was at + his window, seeing the chariot arrive, came down the stairs in his usual + stately manner. + </p> + <p> + ‘Where is my rascal Ambrose?’ said he, looking around and not finding his + servant to open the door. + </p> + <p> + ‘I will let down the steps for your honour,’ said a gendarme, who was + standing by the carriage; and no sooner had the Chevalier entered, than + the officer jumped in after him, another mounted the box by the coachman, + and the latter began to drive. + </p> + <p> + ‘Good gracious!’ said the Chevalier, ‘what is this?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘You are going to drive to the frontier,’ said the gendarme, touching his + hat. + </p> + <p> + ‘It is shameful—infamous! I insist upon being put down at the + Austrian Ambassador’s house!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I have orders to gag your honour if you cry out,’ said the gendarme. + </p> + <p> + ‘All Europe shall hear of this!’ said the Chevalier, in a fury. + </p> + <p> + ‘As you please,’ answered the officer, and then both relapsed into + silence. + </p> + <p> + The silence was not broken between Berlin and Potsdam, through which place + the Chevalier passed as His Majesty was reviewing his guards there, and + the regiments of Bulow, Zitwitz, and Henkel de Donnersmark. As the + Chevalier passed His Majesty, the King raised his hat and said, ‘Qu’il ne + descende pas: je lui souhaite un bon voyage.’ The Chevalier de Balibari + acknowledged this courtesy by a profound bow. + </p> + <p> + They had not got far beyond Potsdam, when boom! the alarm cannon began to + roar. + </p> + <p> + ‘It is a deserter,’ said the officer. + </p> + <p> + ‘Is it possible?’ said the Chevalier, and sank back into his carriage + again. + </p> + <p> + Hearing the sound of the guns, the common people came out along the road + with fowling-pieces and pitchforks, in hopes to catch the truant. The + gendarmes seemed very anxious to be on the look-out for him too. The price + of a deserter was fifty crowns to those who brought him in. + </p> + <p> + ‘Confess, sir,’ said the Chevalier to the police officer in the carriage + with him, ‘that you long to be rid of me, from whom you can get nothing, + and to be on the look-out for the deserter who may bring you in fifty + crowns? Why not tell the postilion to push on? You may land me at the + frontier and get back to your hunt all the sooner.’ The officer told the + postillion to get on; but the way seemed intolerably long to the + Chevalier. Once or twice he thought he heard the noise of horse galloping + behind: his own horses did not seem to go two miles an hour; but they DID + go. The black and white barriers came in view at last, hard by Bruck, and + opposite them the green and yellow of Saxony. The Saxon custom-house + officers came out. + </p> + <p> + ‘I have no luggage,’ said the Chevalier. + </p> + <p> + ‘The gentleman has nothing contraband,’ said the Prussian officers, + grinning, and took their leave of their prisoner with much respect. + </p> + <p> + The Chevalier de Balibari gave them a Frederic apiece. + </p> + <p> + ‘Gentlemen,’ said he, ‘I wish you a good day. Will you please to go to the + house whence we set out this morning, and tell my man there to send on my + baggage to the “Three Kings” at Dresden?’ + </p> + <p> + Then ordering fresh horses, the Chevalier set off on his journey for that + capital. I need not tell you that <i>I</i> was the Chevalier. + </p> + <p> + ‘From the Chevalier de Balibari to Redmond Barry, Esquire, Gentilhomme + Anglais, a l’Hotel des 3 Couronnes, a Dresde en Saxe. + </p> + <p> + ‘Nephew Redmond,—This comes to you by a sure hand, no other than Mr. + Lumpit of the English Mission, who is acquainted, as all Berlin will be + directly, with our wonderful story. They only know half as yet; they only + know that a deserter went off in my clothes, and all are in admiration of + your cleverness and valour. + </p> + <p> + ‘I confess that for two hours after your departure I lay in bed in no + small trepidation, thinking whether His Majesty might have a fancy to send + me to Spandau, for the freak of which we had both been guilty. But in that + case I had taken my precautions: I had written a statement of the case to + my chief, the Austrian Minister, with the full and true story how you had + been set to spy upon me, how you turned out to be my very near relative, + how you had been kidnapped yourself into the service, and how we both had + determined to effect your escape. The laugh would have been so much + against the King, that he never would have dared to lay a finger upon me. + What would Monsieur de Voltaire have said to such an act of tyranny? But + it was a lucky day, and everything has turned out to my wish. As I lay in + my bed two and a half hours after your departure, in comes your ex-Captain + Potzdorff. “Redmont!” says he, in his imperious High-Dutch way, “are you + there?” No answer. “The rogue is gone out,” said he; and straightway makes + for my red box where I keep my love-letters, my glass eye which I used to + wear, my favourite lucky dice with which I threw the thirteen mains at + Prague; my two sets of Paris teeth, and my other private matters that you + know of. + </p> + <p> + ‘He first tried a bunch of keys, but none of them would fit the little + English lock. Then my gentleman takes out of his pocket a chisel and + hammer, and falls to work like a professional burglar, actually bursting + open my little box! + </p> + <p> + ‘Now was my time to act. I advance towards him armed with an immense + water-jug. I come noiselessly up to him just as he had broken the box, and + with all my might I deal him such a blow over the head as smashes the + water-jug to atoms, and sends my captain with a snort lifeless to the + ground. I thought I had killed him. + </p> + <p> + ‘Then I ring all the bells in the house; and shout and swear and scream, + “Thieves!—thieves!—landlord!—murder!—fire!” until + the whole household come tumbling up the stairs. “Where is my servant?” + roar I. “Who dares to rob me in open day? Look at the villain whom I find + in the act of breaking my chest open! Send for the police, send for his + Excellency the Austrian Minister! all Europe shall know of this insult!” + </p> + <p> + ‘“Dear Heaven!” says the landlord, “we saw you go away three hours ago!” + </p> + <p> + ‘“ME!” says I; “why, man, I have been in bed all the morning. I am ill—I + have taken physic—I have not left the house this morning! Where is + that scoundrel Ambrose? But, stop! where are my clothes and wig?” for I + was standing before them in my chamber-gown and stockings, with my + nightcap on. + </p> + <p> + ‘“I have it—I have it!” says a little chambermaid: “Ambrose is off + in your honour’s dress.” + </p> + <p> + ‘“And my money—my money!” says I; “where is my purse with + forty-eight Frederics in it? But we have one of the villains left. + Officers, seize him!” + </p> + <p> + ‘“It’s the young Herr von Potzdorff!” says the landlord, more and more + astonished. + </p> + <p> + ‘“What! a gentleman breaking open my trunk with hammer and chisel—impossible!” + </p> + <p> + ‘Herr von Potzdorff was returning to life by this time, with a swelling on + his skull as big as a saucepan; and the officers carried him off, and the + judge who was sent for dressed a proces verbal of the matter, and I + demanded a copy of it, which I sent forthwith to my ambassador. + </p> + <p> + ‘I was kept a prisoner to my room the next day, and a judge, a general, + and a host of lawyers, officers, and officials, were set upon me to bully, + perplex, threaten, and cajole me. I said it was true you had told me that + you had been kidnapped into the service, that I thought you were released + from it, and that I had you with the best recommendations. I appealed to + my Minister, who was bound to come to my aid; and, to make a long story + short, poor Potzdorff is now on his way to Spandau; and his uncle, the + elder Potzdorff, has brought me five hundred louis, with a humble request + that I would leave Berlin forthwith, and hush up this painful matter. + </p> + <p> + ‘I shall be with you at the “Three Crowns” the day after you receive this. + Ask Mr. Lumpit to dinner. Do not spare your money—you are my son. + Everybody in Dresden knows your loving uncle, + </p> + <p> + ‘THE CHEVALIER DE BALIBARI.’ + </p> + <p> + And by these wonderful circumstances I was once more free again: and I + kept my resolution then made, never to fall more into the hands of any + recruiter, and henceforth and for ever to be a gentleman. + </p> + <p> + With this sum of money, and a good run of luck which ensued presently, we + were enabled to make no ungenteel figure. My uncle speedily joined me at + the inn at Dresden, where, under pretence of illness, I had kept quiet + until his arrival; and, as the Chevalier de Balibari was in particular + good odour at the Court of Dresden (having been an intimate acquaintance + of the late monarch, the Elector, King of Poland, the most dissolute and + agreeable of European princes), I was speedily in the very best society of + the Saxon capital: where I may say that my own person and manners, and the + singularity of the adventures in which I had been a hero, made me + especially welcome. There was not a party of the nobility to which the two + gentlemen of Balibari were not invited. I had the honour of kissing hands + and being graciously received at Court by the Elector, and I wrote home to + my mother such a flaming description of my prosperity, that the good soul + very nearly forgot her celestial welfare and her confessor, the Reverend + Joshua Jowls, in order to come after me to Germany; but travelling was + very difficult in those days, and so we were spared the arrival of the + good lady. + </p> + <p> + I think the soul of Harry Barry, my father, who was always so genteel in + his turn of mind, must have rejoiced to see the position which I now + occupied; all the women anxious to receive me, all the men in a fury; + hobnobbing with dukes and counts at supper, dancing minuets with + high-well-born baronesses (as they absurdly call themselves in Germany), + with lovely excellencies, nay, with highnesses and transparencies + themselves: who could compete with the gallant young Irish noble? who + would suppose that seven weeks before I had been a common—bah! I am + ashamed to think of it! One of the pleasantest moments of my life was at a + grand gala at the Electoral Palace, where I had the honour of walking a + polonaise with no other than the Margravine of Bayreuth, old Fritz’s own + sister: old Fritz’s, whose hateful blue-baize livery I had worn, whose + belts I had pipeclayed, and whose abominable rations of small beer and + sauerkraut I had swallowed for five years. + </p> + <p> + Having won an English chariot from an Italian gentleman at play, my uncle + had our arms painted on the panels in a more splendid way than ever, + surmounted (as we were descended from the ancient kings) with an Irish + crown of the most splendid size and gilding. I had this crown in lieu of a + coronet engraved on a large amethyst signet-ring worn on my forefinger; + and I don’t mind confessing that I used to say the jewel had been in my + family for several thousand years, having originally belonged to my direct + ancestor, his late Majesty King Brian Boru, or Barry. I warrant the + legends of the Heralds’ College are not more authentic than mine was. + </p> + <p> + At first the Minister and the gentlemen at the English hotel used to be + rather shy of us two Irish noblemen, and questioned our pretensions to + rank. The Minister was a lord’s son, it is true, but he was likewise a + grocer’s grandson; and so I told him at Count Lobkowitz’s masquerade. My + uncle, like a noble gentleman as he was, knew the pedigree of every + considerable family in Europe. He said it was the only knowledge befitting + a gentleman; and when we were not at cards, we would pass hours over + Gwillim or D’Hozier, reading the genealogies, learning the blazons, and + making ourselves acquainted with the relationships of our class. Alas! the + noble science is going into disrepute now: so are cards, without which + studies and pastimes I can hardly conceive how a man of honour can exist. + </p> + <p> + My first affair of honour with a man of undoubted fashion was on the score + of my nobility, with young Sir Rumford Bumford of the English embassy; my + uncle at the same time sending a cartel to the Minister, who declined to + come. I shot Sir Rumford in the leg, amidst the tears of joy of my uncle, + who accompanied me to the ground; and I promise you that none of the young + gentlemen questioned the authenticity of my pedigree, or laughed at my + Irish crown again. + </p> + <p> + What a delightful life did we now lead! I knew I was born a gentleman, + from the kindly way in which I took to the business: as business it + certainly is. For though it SEEMS all pleasure, yet I assure any low-bred + persons who may chance to read this, that we, their betters, have to work + as well as they: though I did not rise until noon, yet had I not been up + at play until long past midnight? Many a time have we come home to bed as + the troops were marching out to early parade; and oh! it did my heart good + to hear the bugles blowing the reveille before daybreak, or to see the + regiments marching out to exercise, and think that I was no longer bound + to that disgusting discipline, but restored to my natural station. + </p> + <p> + I came into it at once, and as if I had never done anything else all my + life. I had a gentleman to wait upon me, a French friseur to dress my hair + of a morning; I knew the taste of chocolate as by intuition almost, and + could distinguish between the right Spanish and the French before I had + been a week in my new position; I had rings on all my fingers, watches in + both my fobs, canes, trinkets, and snuffboxes of all sorts, and each + outvying the other in elegance. I had the finest natural taste for lace + and china of any man I ever knew; I could judge a horse as well as any Jew + dealer in Germany; in shooting and athletic exercises I was unrivalled; I + could not spell, but I could speak German and French cleverly. I had at + the least twelve suits of clothes; three richly embroidered with gold, two + laced with silver, a garnet-coloured velvet pelisse lined with sable; one + of French grey, silver-laced, and lined with chinchilla. I had damask + morning robes. I took lessons on the guitar, and sang French catches + exquisitely. Where, in fact, was there a more accomplished gentleman than + Redmond de Balibari? + </p> + <p> + All the luxuries becoming my station could not, of course, be purchased + without credit and money: to procure which, as our patrimony had been + wasted by our ancestors, and we were above the vulgarity and slow returns + and doubtful chances of trade, my uncle kept a faro-bank. We were in + partnership with a Florentine, well known in all the Courts of Europe, the + Count Alessandro Pippi, as skilful a player as ever was seen; but he + turned out a sad knave latterly, and I have discovered that his countship + was a mere imposture. My uncle was maimed, as I have said; Pippi, like all + impostors, was a coward; it was my unrivalled skill with the sword, and + readiness to use it, that maintained the reputation of the firm, so to + speak, and silenced many a timid gambler who might have hesitated to pay + his losings. We always played on parole with anybody: any person, that is, + of honour and noble lineage. We never pressed for our winnings or declined + to receive promissory notes in lieu of gold. But woe to the man who did + not pay when the note became due! Redmond de Balibari was sure to wait + upon him with his bill, and I promise you there were very few bad debts: + on the contrary, gentlemen were grateful to us for our forbearance, and + our character for honour stood unimpeached. In later times, a vulgar + national prejudice has chosen to cast a slur upon the character of men of + honour engaged in the profession of play; but I speak of the good old days + in Europe, before the cowardice of the French aristocracy (in the shameful + Revolution, which served them right) brought discredit and ruin upon our + order. They cry fie now upon men engaged in play; but I should like to + know how much more honourable THEIR modes of livelihood are than ours. The + broker of the Exchange who bulls and bears, and buys and sells, and + dabbles with lying loans, and trades on State secrets, what is he but a + gamester? The merchant who deals in teas and tallow, is he any better? His + bales of dirty indigo are his dice, his cards come up every year instead + of every ten minutes, and the sea is his green table. You call the + profession of the law an honourable one, where a man will lie for any + bidder; lie down poverty for the sake of a fee from wealth, lie down right + because wrong is in his brief. You call a doctor an honourable man, a + swindling quack, who does not believe in the nostrums which he prescribes, + and takes your guinea for whispering in your ear that it is a fine + morning; and yet, forsooth, a gallant man who sits him down before the + baize and challenges all comers, his money against theirs, his fortune + against theirs, is proscribed by your modern moral world. It is a + conspiracy of the middle classes against gentlemen: it is only the + shopkeeper cant which is to go down nowadays. I say that play was an + institution of chivalry: it has been wrecked, along with other privileges + of men of birth. When Seingalt engaged a man for six-and-thirty hours + without leaving the table, do you think he showed no courage? How have we + had the best blood, and the brightest eyes, too, of Europe throbbing round + the table, as I and my uncle have held the cards and the bank against some + terrible player, who was matching some thousands out of his millions + against our all which was there on the baize! when we engaged that daring + Alexis Kossloffsky, and won seven thousand louis in a single coup, had we + lost, we should have been beggars the next day; when HE lost, he was only + a village and a few hundred serfs in pawn the worse. When, at Toeplitz, + the Duke of Courland brought fourteen lacqueys, each with four bags of + florins, and challenged our bank to play against the sealed bags, what did + we ask? ‘Sir,’ said we, ‘we have but eighty thousand florins in bank, or + two hundred thousand at three months. If your Highness’s bags do not + contain more than eighty thousand, we will meet you.’ And we did, and + after eleven hours’ play, in which our bank was at one time reduced to two + hundred and three ducats, we won seventeen thousand florins of him. Is + THIS not something like boldness? does THIS profession not require skill, + and perseverance, and bravery? Four crowned heads looked on at the game, + and an Imperial princess, when I turned up the ace of hearts and made + Paroli, burst into tears. No man on the European Continent held a higher + position than Redmond Barry then; and when the Duke of Courland lost, he + was pleased to say that we had won nobly; and so we had, and spent nobly + what we won. + </p> + <p> + At this period my uncle, who attended mass every day regularly, always put + ten florins into the box. Wherever we went, the tavern-keepers made us + more welcome than royal princes. We used to give away the broken meat from + our suppers and dinners to scores of beggars who blessed us. Every man who + held my horse or cleaned my boots got a ducat for his pains. I was, I may + say, the author of our common good fortune, by putting boldness into our + play. Pippi was a faint-hearted fellow, who was always cowardly when he + began to win. My uncle (I speak with great respect of him) was too much of + a devotee, and too much of a martinet at play ever to win GREATLY. His + moral courage was unquestionable, but his daring was not sufficient. Both + of these my seniors very soon acknowledged me to be their chief, and hence + the style of splendour I have described. + </p> + <p> + I have mentioned H.I.H. the Princess Frederica Amelia, who was affected by + my success, and shall always think with gratitude of the protection with + which that exalted lady honoured me. She was passionately fond of play, as + indeed were the ladies of almost all the Courts in Europe in those days, + and hence would often arise no small trouble to us; for the truth must be + told, that ladies love to play, certainly, but not to PAY. The point of + honour is not understood by the charming sex; and it was with the greatest + difficulty, in our peregrinations to the various Courts of Northern + Europe, that we could keep them from the table, could get their money if + they lost, or, if they paid, prevent them from using the most furious and + extraordinary means of revenge. In those great days of our fortune, I + calculate that we lost no less than fourteen thousand louis by such + failures of payment. A princess of a ducal house gave us paste instead of + diamonds, which she had solemnly pledged to us; another organised a + robbery of the Crown jewels, and would have charged the theft upon us, but + for Pippi’s caution, who had kept back a note of hand ‘her High + Transparency’ gave us, and sent it to his ambassador; by which precaution + I do believe our necks were saved. A third lady of high (but not princely) + rank, after I had won a considerable sum in diamonds and pearls from her, + sent her lover with a band of cut-throats to waylay me; and it was only by + extraordinary courage, skill, and good luck, that I escaped from these + villains, wounded myself, but leaving the chief aggressor dead on the + ground: my sword entered his eye and broke there, and the villains who + were with him fled, seeing their chief fall. They might have finished me + else, for I had no weapon of defence. + </p> + <p> + Thus it will be seen that our life, for all its splendour, was one of + extreme danger and difficulty, requiring high talents and courage for + success; and often, when we were in a full vein of success, we were + suddenly driven from our ground on account of some freak of a reigning + prince, some intrigue of a disappointed mistress, or some quarrel with the + police minister. If the latter personage were not bribed or won over, + nothing was more common than for us to receive a sudden order of + departure; and so, perforce, we lived a wandering and desultory life. + </p> + <p> + Though the gains of such a life are, as I have said, very great, yet the + expenses are enormous. Our appearance and retinue was too splendid for the + narrow mind of Pippi, who was always crying out at my extravagance, though + obliged to own that his own meanness and parsimony would never have + achieved the great victories which my generosity had won. With all our + success, our capital was not very great. That speech to the Duke of + Courland, for instance, was a mere boast as far as the two hundred + thousand florins at three months were concerned. We had no credit, and no + money beyond that on our table, and should have been forced to fly if his + Highness had won and accepted our bills. Sometimes, too, we were hit very + hard. A bank is a certainty, ALMOST; but now and then a bad day will come; + and men who have the courage of good fortune, at least, ought to meet bad + luck well: the former, believe me, is the harder task of the two. + </p> + <p> + One of these evil chances befell us in the Duke of Baden’s territory, at + Mannheim. Pippi, who was always on the look-out for business, offered to + make a bank at the inn where we put up, and where the officers of the + Duke’s cuirassiers supped; and some small play accordingly took place, and + some wretched crowns and louis changed hands: I trust, rather to the + advantage of these poor gentlemen of the army, who are surely the poorest + of all devils under the sun. + </p> + <p> + But, as ill luck would have it, a couple of young students from the + neighbouring University of Heidelberg, who had come to Mannheim for their + quarter’s revenue, and so had some hundred of dollars between them, were + introduced to the table, and, having never played before, began to win (as + is always the case). As ill luck would have it, too, they were tipsy, and + against tipsiness I have often found the best calculations of play fail + entirely. They played in the most perfectly insane way, and yet won + always. Every card they backed turned up in their favour. They had won a + hundred louis from us in ten minutes; and, seeing that Pippi was growing + angry and the luck against us, I was for shutting up the bank for the + night, saying the play was only meant for a joke, and that now we had had + enough. + </p> + <p> + But Pippi, who had quarrelled with me that day, was determined to proceed, + and the upshot was, that the students played and won more; then they lent + money to the officers, who began to win, too; and in this ignoble way, in + a tavern room thick with tobacco-smoke, across a deal table besmeared with + beer and liquor, and to a parcel of hungry subalterns and a pair of + beardless students, three of the most skilful and renowned players in + Europe lost seventeen hundred louis! I blush now when I think of it. It + was like Charles XII or Richard Coeur de Lion falling before a petty + fortress and an unknown hand (as my friend Mr. Johnson wrote), and was, in + fact, a most shameful defeat. + </p> + <p> + Nor was this the only defeat. When our poor conquerors had gone off, + bewildered with the treasure which fortune had flung in their way (one of + these students was called the Baron de Clootz, perhaps he who afterwards + lost his head at Paris), Pippi resumed the quarrel of the morning, and + some exceedingly high words passed between us. Among other things I + recollect I knocked him down with a stool, and was for flinging him out of + the window; but my uncle, who was cool, and had been keeping Lent with his + usual solemnity, interposed between us, and a reconciliation took place, + Pippi apologising and confessing he had been wrong. + </p> + <p> + I ought to have doubted, however, the sincerity of the treacherous + Italian; indeed, as I never before believed a word that he said in his + life, I know not why I was so foolish as to credit him now, and go to bed, + leaving the keys of our cash-box with him. It contained, after our loss to + the cuirassiers, in bills and money, near upon L8000 sterling. Pippi + insisted that our reconciliation should be ratified over a bowl of hot + wine, and I have no doubt put some soporific drug into the liquor; for my + uncle and I both slept till very late the next morning, and woke with + violent headaches and fever: we did not quit our beds till noon. He had + been gone twelve hours, leaving our treasury empty; and behind him a sort + of calculation, by which he strove to make out that this was his share of + the profits, and that all the losses had been incurred without his + consent. + </p> + <p> + Thus, after eighteen months, we had to begin the world again. But was I + cast down? No. Our wardrobes still were worth a very large sum of money; + for gentlemen did not dress like parish-clerks in those days, and a person + of fashion would often wear a suit of clothes and a set of ornaments that + would be a shop-boy’s fortune; so, without repining for one single minute, + or saying a single angry word (my uncle’s temper in this respect was + admirable), or allowing the secret of our loss to be known to a mortal + soul, we pawned three-fourths of our jewels and clothes to Moses Lowe the + banker, and with the produce of the sale, and our private pocket-money, + amounting in all to something less than 800 louis, we took the field + again. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0010" id="link2HCH0010"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER X. MORE RUNS OF LUCK + </h2> + <p> + I am not going to entertain my readers with an account of my professional + career as a gamester, any more than I did with anecdotes of my life as a + military man. I might fill volumes with tales of this kind were I so + minded; but at this rate, my recital would not be brought to a conclusion + for years, and who knows how soon I may be called upon to stop? I have + gout, rheumatism, gravel, and a disordered liver. I have two or three + wounds in my body, which break out every now and then, and give me + intolerable pain, and a hundred more signs of breaking up. Such are the + effects of time, illness, and free-living, upon one of the strongest + constitutions and finest forms the world ever saw. Ah! I suffered from + none of these ills in the year ‘66, when there was no man in Europe more + gay in spirits, more splendid in personal accomplishments, than young + Redmond Barry. + </p> + <p> + Before the treachery of the scoundrel Pippi, I had visited many of the + best Courts of Europe; especially the smaller ones, where play was + patronised, and the professors of that science always welcome. Among the + ecclesiastical principalities of the Rhine we were particularly well + received. I never knew finer or gayer Courts than those of the Electors of + Treves and Cologne, where there was more splendour and gaiety than at + Vienna; far more than in the wretched barrack-court of Berlin. The Court + of the Archduchess-Governess of the Netherlands was, likewise, a royal + place for us knights of the dice-box and gallant votaries of fortune; + whereas in the stingy Dutch or the beggarly Swiss republics, it was + impossible for a gentleman to gain a livelihood unmolested. + </p> + <p> + After our mishap at Mannheim, my uncle and I made for the Duchy of X—-. + The reader may find out the place easily enough; but I do not choose to + print at full the names of some illustrious persons in whose society I + then fell, and among whom I was made the sharer in a very strange and + tragical adventure. + </p> + <p> + There was no Court in Europe at which strangers were more welcome than at + that of the noble Duke of X—-; none where pleasure was more eagerly + sought after, and more splendidly enjoyed. The Prince did not inhabit his + capital of S—-, but, imitating in every respect the ceremonial of + the Court of Versailles, built himself a magnificent palace at a few + leagues from his chief city, and round about his palace a superb + aristocratic town, inhabited entirely by his nobles, and the officers of + his sumptuous Court. The people were rather hardly pressed, to be sure, in + order to keep up this splendour; for his Highness’s dominions were small, + and so he wisely lived in a sort of awful retirement from them, seldom + showing his face in his capital, or seeing any countenances but those of + his faithful domestics and officers. His palace and gardens of Ludwigslust + were exactly on the French model. Twice a week there were Court + receptions, and grand Court galas twice a month. There was the finest + opera out of France, and a ballet unrivalled in splendour; on which his + Highness, a great lover of music and dancing, expended prodigious sums. It + may be because I was then young, but I think I never saw such an + assemblage of brilliant beauty as used to figure there on the stage of the + Court theatre, in the grand mythological ballets which were then the mode, + and in which you saw Mars in red-heeled pumps and a periwig, and Venus in + patches and a hoop. They say the costume was incorrect, and have changed + it since; but for my part, I have never seen a Venus more lovely than the + Coralie, who was the chief dancer, and found no fault with the attendant + nymphs, in their trains, and lappets, and powder. These operas used to + take place twice a week, after which some great officer of the Court would + have his evening, and his brilliant supper, and the dice-box rattled + everywhere, and all the world played. I have seen seventy play-tables set + out in the grand gallery of Ludwigslust, besides the faro-bank; where the + Duke himself would graciously come and play, and win or lose with a truly + royal splendour. + </p> + <p> + It was hither we came after the Mannheim misfortune. The nobility of the + Court were pleased to say our reputation had preceded us, and the two + Irish gentleman were made welcome. The very first night at Court we lost + 740 of our 800 louis; the next evening, at the Court Marshal’s table, I + won them back, with 1300 more. You may be sure we allowed no one to know + how near we were to ruin on the first evening; but, on the contrary, I + endeared every one to me by my gay manner of losing, and the Finance + Minister himself cashed a note for 400 ducats, drawn by me upon my steward + of Ballybarry Castle in the kingdom of Ireland; which very note I won from + his Excellency the next day, along with a considerable sum in ready cash. + In that noble Court everybody was a gambler. You would see the lacqueys in + the ducal ante-rooms at work with their dirty packs of cards; the coach + and chair men playing in the court, while their masters were punting in + the saloons above; the very cook-maids and scullions, I was told, had a + bank, where one of them, an Italian confectioner, made a handsome fortune: + he purchased afterwards a Roman marquisate, and his son has figured as one + of the most fashionable of the illustrious foreigners in London. The poor + devils of soldiers played away their pay when they got it, which was + seldom; and I don’t believe there was an officer in any one of the guard + regiments but had his cards in his pouch, and no more forgot his dice than + his sword-knot. Among such fellows it was diamond cut diamond. What you + call fair play would have been a folly. The gentlemen of Ballybarry would + have been fools indeed to appear as pigeons in such a hawk’s nest. None + but men of courage and genius could live and prosper in a society where + every one was bold and clever; and here my uncle and I held our own: ay, + and more than our own. + </p> + <p> + His Highness the Duke was a widower, or rather, since the death of the + reigning Duchess, had contracted a morganatic marriage with a lady whom he + had ennobled, and who considered it a compliment (such was the morality of + those days) to be called the Northern Dubarry. He had been married very + young, and his son, the Hereditary Prince, may be said to have been the + political sovereign of the State: for the reigning Duke was fonder of + pleasure than of politics, and loved to talk a great deal more with his + grand huntsman, or the director of his opera, than with ministers and + ambassadors. + </p> + <p> + The Hereditary Prince, whom I shall call Prince Victor, was of a very + different character from his august father. He had made the Wars of the + Succession and Seven Years with great credit in the Empress’s service, was + of a stern character, seldom appeared at Court, except when ceremony + called him, but lived almost alone in his wing of the palace, where he + devoted himself to the severest studies, being a great astronomer and + chemist. He shared in the rage then common throughout Europe, of hunting + for the philosopher’s stone; and my uncle often regretted that he had no + smattering of chemistry, like Balsamo (who called himself Cagliostro), St. + Germain, and other individuals, who had obtained very great sums from Duke + Victor by aiding him in his search after the great secret. His amusements + were hunting and reviewing the troops; but for him, and if his + good-natured father had not had his aid, the army would have been playing + at cards all day, and so it was well that the prudent prince was left to + govern. + </p> + <p> + Duke Victor was fifty years of age, and his princess, the Princess Olivia, + was scarce three-and-twenty. They had been married seven years, and in the + first years of their union the Princess had borne him a son and a + daughter. The stern morals and manners, the dark and ungainly appearance, + of the husband, were little likely to please the brilliant and fascinating + young woman, who had been educated in the south (she was connected with + the ducal house of S—-), who had passed two years at Paris under the + guardianship of Mesdames the daughters of His Most Christian Majesty, and + who was the life and soul of the Court of X—-, the gayest of the + gay, the idol of her august father-in-law, and, indeed, of the whole + Court. She was not beautiful, but charming; not witty, but charming, too, + in her conversation as in her person. She was extravagant beyond all + measure; so false, that you could not trust her; but her very weaknesses + were more winning than the virtues of other women, her selfishness more + delightful than others’ generosity. I never knew a woman whose faults made + her so attractive. She used to ruin people, and yet they all loved her. My + old uncle has seen her cheating at ombre, and let her win 400 louis + without resisting in the least. Her caprices with the officers and ladies + of her household were ceaseless: but they adored her. She was the only one + of the reigning family whom the people worshipped. She never went abroad + but they followed her carriage with shouts of acclamation: and, to be + generous to them, she would borrow the last penny from one of her poor + maids of honour, whom she would never pay. In the early days her husband + was as much fascinated by her as all the rest of the world was; but her + caprices had caused frightful outbreaks of temper on his part, and an + estrangement which, though interrupted by almost mad returns of love, was + still general. I speak of her Royal Highness with perfect candour and + admiration, although I might be pardoned for judging her more severely, + considering her opinion of myself. She said the elder Monsieur de Balibari + was a finished old gentleman, and the younger one had the manners of a + courier. The world has given a different opinion, and I can afford to + chronicle this almost single sentence against me. Besides, she had a + reason for her dislike to me, which you shall hear. + </p> + <p> + Five years in the army, long experience of the world, had ere now + dispelled any of those romantic notions regarding love with which I + commenced life; and I had determined, as is proper with gentlemen (it is + only your low people who marry for mere affection), to consolidate my + fortunes by marriage. In the course of our peregrinations, my uncle and I + had made several attempts to carry this object into effect; but numerous + disappointments had occurred which are not worth mentioning here, and had + prevented me hitherto from making such a match as I thought was worthy of + a man of my birth, abilities, and personal appearance. Ladies are not in + the habit of running away on the Continent, as is the custom in England (a + custom whereby many honourable gentlemen of my country have much + benefited!); guardians, and ceremonies, and difficulties of all kinds + intervene; true love is not allowed to have its course, and poor women + cannot give away their honest hearts to the gallant fellows who have won + them. Now it was settlements that were asked for; now it was my pedigree + and title-deeds that were not satisfactory: though I had a plan and + rent-roll of the Ballybarry estates, and the genealogy of the family up to + King Brian Boru, or Barry, most handsomely designed on paper; now it was a + young lady who was whisked off to a convent just as she was ready to fall + into my arms; on another occasion, when a rich widow of the Low Countries + was about to make me lord of a noble estate in Flanders, comes an order of + the police which drives me out of Brussels at an hour’s notice, and + consigns my mourner to her chateau. But at X—-I had an opportunity + of playing a great game: and had won it too, but for the dreadful + catastrophe which upset my fortune. + </p> + <p> + In the household of the Hereditary Princess there was a lady nineteen + years of age, and possessor of the greatest fortune in the whole duchy. + The Countess Ida, such was her name, was daughter of a late Minister and + favourite of his Highness the Duke of X—-and his Duchess, who had + done her the honour to be her sponsors at birth, and who, at the father’s + death, had taken her under their august guardianship and protection. At + sixteen she was brought from her castle, where, up to that period, she had + been permitted to reside, and had been placed with the Princess Olivia, as + one of her Highness’s maids of honour. + </p> + <p> + The aunt of the Countess Ida, who presided over her house during her + minority, had foolishly allowed her to contract an attachment for her + cousin-german, a penniless sub-lieutenant in one of the Duke’s foot + regiments, who had flattered himself to be able to carry off this rich + prize; and if he had not been a blundering silly idiot indeed, with the + advantage of seeing her constantly, of having no rival near him, and the + intimacy attendant upon close kinsmanship, might easily, by a private + marriage, have secured the young Countess and her possessions. But he + managed matters so foolishly, that he allowed her to leave her retirement, + to come to Court for a year, and take her place in the Princess Olivia’s + household; and then what does my young gentleman do, but appear at the + Duke’s levee one day, in his tarnished epaulet and threadbare coat, and + make an application in due form to his Highness, as the young lady’s + guardian, for the hand of the richest heiress in his dominions! + </p> + <p> + The weakness of the good-natured Prince was such that, as the Countess Ida + herself was quite as eager for the match as her silly cousin, his Highness + might have been induced to allow the match, had not the Princess Olivia + been induced to interpose, and to procure from the Duke a peremptory veto + to the hopes of the young man. The cause of this refusal was as yet + unknown; no other suitor for the young lady’s hand was mentioned, and the + lovers continued to correspond, hoping that time might effect a change in + his Highness’s resolutions; when, of a sudden, the lieutenant was drafted + into one of the regiments which the Prince was in the habit of selling to + the great powers then at war (this military commerce was a principal part + of his Highness’s and other princes’ revenues in those days), and their + connection was thus abruptly broken off. + </p> + <p> + It was strange that the Princess Olivia should have taken this part + against a young lady who had been her favourite; for, at first, with those + romantic and sentimental notions which almost every woman has, she had + somewhat encouraged the Countess Ida and her penniless lover, but now + suddenly turned against them; and, from loving the Countess, as she + previously had done, pursued her with every manner of hatred which a woman + knows how to inflict: there was no end to the ingenuity of her tortures, + the venom of her tongue, the bitterness of her sarcasm and scorn. When I + first came to Court at X—, the young fellows there had nicknamed the + young lady the Dumme Grafinn, the stupid Countess. She was generally + silent, handsome, but pale, stolid-looking, and awkward; taking no + interest in the amusements of the place, and appearing in the midst of the + feasts as glum as the death’s-head which, they say, the Romans used to + have at their tables. + </p> + <p> + It was rumoured that a young gentleman of French extraction, the Chevalier + de Magny, equerry to the Hereditary Prince, and present at Paris when the + Princess Olivia was married to him by proxy there, was the intended of the + rich Countess Ida; but no official declaration of the kind was yet made, + and there were whispers of a dark intrigue: which, subsequently, received + frightful confirmation. + </p> + <p> + This Chevalier de Magny was the grandson of an old general officer in the + Duke’s service, the Baron de Magny. The Baron’s father had quitted France + at the expulsion of Protestants after the revocation of the edict of + Nantes, and taken service in X—, where he died. The son succeeded + him, and, quite unlike most French gentlemen of birth whom I have known, + was a stern and cold Calvinist, rigid in the performance of his duty, + retiring in his manners, mingling little with the Court, and a close + friend and favourite of Duke Victor; whom he resembled in disposition. + </p> + <p> + The Chevalier his grandson was a true Frenchman; he had been born in + France, where his father held a diplomatic appointment in the Duke’s + service. He had mingled in the gay society of the most brilliant Court in + the world, and had endless stories to tell us of the pleasures of the + petites maisons, of the secrets of the Parc aux Cerfs, and of the wild + gaieties of Richelieu and his companions. He had been almost ruined at + play, as his father had been before him; for, out of the reach of the + stern old Baron in Germany, both son and grandson had led the most + reckless of lives. He came back from Paris soon after the embassy which + had been despatched thither on the occasion of the marriage of the + Princess, was received sternly by his old grandfather; who, however, paid + his debts once more, and procured him the post in the Duke’s household. + The Chevalier de Magny rendered himself a great favourite of his august + master; he brought with him the modes and the gaieties of Paris; he was + the deviser of all the masquerades and balls, the recruiter of the + ballet-dancers, and by far the most brilliant and splendid young gentleman + of the Court. + </p> + <p> + After we had been a few weeks at Ludwigslust, the old Baron de Magny + endeavoured to have us dismissed from the duchy; but his voice was not + strong enough to overcome that of the general public, and the Chevalier de + Magny especially stood our friend with his Highness when the question was + debated before him. The Chevalier’s love of play had not deserted him. He + was a regular frequenter of our bank, where he played for some time with + pretty good luck; and where, when he began to lose, he paid with a + regularity surprising to all those who knew the smallness of his means, + and the splendour of his appearance. + </p> + <p> + Her Highness the Princess Olivia was also very fond of play. On + half-a-dozen occasions when we held a bank at Court, I could see her + passion for the game. I could see—that is, my cool-headed old uncle + could see—much more. There was an intelligence between Monsieur de + Magny and this illustrious lady. ‘If her Highness be not in love with the + little Frenchman,’ my uncle said to me one night after play, ‘may I lose + the sight of my last eye!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘And what then, sir?’ said I. + </p> + <p> + ‘What then?’ said my uncle, looking me hard in the face. ‘Are you so green + as not to know what then? Your fortune is to be made, if you choose to + back it now; and we may have back the Barry estates in two years, my boy.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘How is that?’ asked I, still at a loss. + </p> + <p> + My uncle drily said, ‘Get Magny to play; never mind his paying: take his + notes of hand. The more he owes the better; but, above all, make him + play.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘He can’t pay a shilling,’ answered I. ‘The Jews will not discount his + notes at cent. per cent.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘So much the better. You shall see we will make use of them,’ answered the + old gentleman. And I must confess that the plan he laid was a gallant, + clever, and fair one. + </p> + <p> + I was to make Magny play; in this there was no great difficulty. We had an + intimacy together, for he was a good sportsman as well as myself, and we + came to have a pretty considerable friendship for one another; if he saw a + dice-box it was impossible to prevent him from handling it; but he took to + it as natural as a child does to sweetmeats. + </p> + <p> + At first he won of me; then he began to lose; then I played him money + against some jewels that he brought: family trinkets, he said, and indeed + of considerable value. He begged me, however, not to dispose of them in + the duchy, and I gave and kept my word to him to this effect. From jewels + he got to playing upon promissory notes; and as they would not allow him + to play at the Court tables and in public upon credit, he was very glad to + have an opportunity of indulging his favourite passion in private. I have + had him for hours at my pavilion (which I had fitted up in the Eastern + manner, very splendid) rattling the dice till it became time to go to his + service at Court, and we would spend day after day in this manner. He + brought me more jewels,—a pearl necklace, an antique emerald breast + ornament, and other trinkets, as a set-off against these losses: for I + need not say that I should not have played with him all this time had he + been winning; but, after about a week, the luck set in against him, and he + became my debtor in a prodigious sum. I do not care to mention the extent + of it; it was such as I never thought the young man could pay. + </p> + <p> + Why, then, did I play for it? Why waste days in private play with a mere + bankrupt, when business seemingly much more profitable was to be done + elsewhere? My reason I boldly confess. I wanted to win from Monsieur de + Magny, not his money, but his intended wife, the Countess Ida. Who can say + that I had not a right to use ANY stratagem in this matter of love? Or, + why say love? I wanted the wealth of the lady: I loved her quite as much + as Magny did; I loved her quite as much as yonder blushing virgin of + seventeen does who marries an old lord of seventy. I followed the practice + of the world in this; having resolved that marriage should achieve my + fortune. + </p> + <p> + I used to make Magny, after his losses, give me a friendly letter of + acknowledgment to some such effect as this,— + </p> + <p> + ‘MY DEAR MONSIEUR DE BALIBARI,—I acknowledge to have lost to you + this day at lansquenet [or picquet, or hazard, as the case may be: I was + master of him at any game that is played] the sum of three hundred ducats, + and shall hold it as a great kindness on your part if you will allow the + debt to stand over until a future day, when you shall receive payment from + your very grateful humble servant.’ + </p> + <p> + With the jewels he brought me I also took the precaution (but this was my + uncle’s idea, and a very good one) to have a sort of invoice, and a letter + begging me to receive the trinkets as so much part payment of a sum of + money he owed me. + </p> + <p> + When I had put him in such a position as I deemed favourable to my + intentions, I spoke to him candidly, and without any reserve, as one man + of the world should speak to another. ‘I will not, my dear fellow,’ said + I, ‘pay you so bad a compliment as to suppose that you expect we are to go + on playing at this rate much longer, and that there is any satisfaction to + me in possessing more or less sheets of paper bearing your signature, and + a series of notes of hand which I know you never can pay. Don’t look + fierce or angry, for you know Redmond Barry is your master at the sword; + besides, I would not be such a fool as to fight a man who owes me so much + money; but hear calmly what I have to propose. + </p> + <p> + ‘You have been very confidential to me during our intimacy of the last + month; and I know all your personal affairs completely. You have given + your word of honour to your grandfather never to play upon parole, and you + know how you have kept it, and that he will disinherit you if he hears the + truth. Nay, suppose he dies to-morrow, his estate is not sufficient to pay + the sum in which you are indebted to me; and, were you to yield me up all, + you would be a beggar, and a bankrupt too. + </p> + <p> + ‘Her Highness the Princess Olivia denies you nothing. I shall not ask why; + but give me leave to say, I was aware of the fact when we began to play + together.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Will you be made baron-chamberlain, with the grand cordon of the order?’ + gasped the poor fellow. ‘The Princess can do anything with the Duke.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I shall have no objection,’ said I, ‘to the yellow riband and the gold + key; though a gentleman of the house of Ballybarry cares little for the + titles of the German nobility. But this is not what I want. My good + Chevalier, you have hid no secrets from me. You have told me with what + difficulty you have induced the Princess Olivia to consent to the project + of your union with the Grafinn Ida, whom you don’t love. I know whom you + love very well.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Monsieur de Balibari!’ said the discomfited Chevalier; he could get out + no more. The truth began to dawn upon him. + </p> + <p> + ‘You begin to understand,’ continued I. ‘Her Highness the Princess’ (I + said this in a sarcastic way) ‘will not be very angry, believe me, if you + break off your connection with the stupid Countess. I am no more an + admirer of that lady than you are; but I want her estate. I played you for + that estate, and have won it; and I will give you your bills and five + thousand ducats on the day I am married to it.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘The day <i>I</i> am married to the Countess,’ answered the Chevalier, + thinking to have me, ‘I will be able to raise money to pay your claim ten + times over’ (this was true, for the Countess’s property may have been + valued at near half a million of our money); ‘and then I will discharge my + obligations to you. Meanwhile, if you annoy me by threats, or insult me + again as you have done, I will use that influence, which, as you say, I + possess, and have you turned out of the duchy, as you were out of the + Netherlands last year.’ + </p> + <p> + I rang the bell quite quietly. ‘Zamor,’ said I to a tall negro fellow + habited like a Turk, that used to wait upon me, ‘when you hear the bell + ring a second time, you will take this packet to the Marshal of the Court, + this to his Excellency the General de Magny, and this you will place in + the hands of one of the equerries of his Highness the Hereditary Prince. + Wait in the ante-room, and do not go with the parcels until I ring again.’ + </p> + <p> + The black fellow having retired, I turned to Monsieur de Magny and said, + ‘Chevalier, the first packet contains a letter from you to me, declaring + your solvency, and solemnly promising payment of the sums you owe me; it + is accompanied by a document from myself (for I expected some resistance + on your part), stating that my honour has been called in question, and + begging that the paper may be laid before your august master his Highness. + The second packet is for your grandfather, enclosing the letter from you + in which you state yourself to be his heir, and begging for a confirmation + of the fact. The last parcel, for his Highness the Hereditary Duke,’ added + I, looking most sternly, ‘contains the Gustavus Adolphus emerald, which he + gave to his princess, and which you pledged to me as a family jewel of + your own. Your influence with her Highness must be great indeed,’ I + concluded, ‘when you could extort from her such a jewel as that, and when + you could make her, in order to pay your play-debts, give up a secret upon + which both your heads depend.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Villain!’ said the Frenchman, quite aghast with fury and terror, ‘would + you implicate the Princess?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Monsieur de Magny,’ I answered, with a sneer, ‘no: I will say YOU STOLE + the jewel.’ It was my belief he did, and that the unhappy and infatuated + Princess was never privy to the theft until long after it had been + committed. How we came to know the history of the emerald is simple + enough. As we wanted money (for my occupation with Magny caused our bank + to be much neglected), my uncle had carried Magny’s trinkets to Mannheim + to pawn. The Jew who lent upon them knew the history of the stone in + question; and when he asked how her Highness came to part with it, my + uncle very cleverly took up the story where he found it, said that the + Princess was very fond of play, that it was not always convenient to her + to pay, and hence the emerald had come into our hands. He brought it + wisely back with him to S—; and, as regards the other jewels which + the Chevalier pawned to us, they were of no particular mark: no inquiries + have ever been made about them to this day; and I did not only not know + then that they came from her Highness, but have only my conjectures upon + the matter now. + </p> + <p> + The unfortunate young gentleman must have had a cowardly spirit, when I + charged him with the theft, not to make use of my two pistols that were + lying by chance before him, and to send out of the world his accuser and + his own ruined self. With such imprudence and miserable recklessness on + his part and that of the unhappy lady who had forgotten herself for this + poor villain, he must have known that discovery was inevitable. But it was + written that this dreadful destiny should be accomplished: instead of + ending like a man, he now cowered before me quite spirit-broken, and, + flinging himself down on the sofa, burst into tears, calling wildly upon + all the saints to help him: as if they could be interested in the fate of + such a wretch as he! + </p> + <p> + I saw that I had nothing to fear from him; and, calling back Zamor my + black, said I would myself carry the parcels, which I returned to my + escritoire; and, my point being thus gained, I acted, as I always do, + generously towards him. I said that, for security’s sake, I should send + the emerald out of the country, but that I pledged my honour to restore it + to the Duchess, without any pecuniary consideration, on the day when she + should procure the sovereign’s consent to my union with the Countess Ida. + </p> + <p> + This will explain pretty clearly, I flatter myself, the game I was + playing; and, though some rigid moralist may object to its propriety, I + say that anything is fair in love, and that men so poor as myself can’t + afford to be squeamish about their means of getting on in life. The great + and rich are welcomed, smiling, up the grand staircase of the world; the + poor but aspiring must clamber up the wall, or push and struggle up the + back stair, or, PARDI, crawl through any of the conduits of the house, + never mind how foul and narrow, that lead to the top. The unambitious + sluggard pretends that the eminence is not worth attaining, declines + altogether the struggle, and calls himself a philosopher. I say he is a + poor-spirited coward. What is life good for but for honour? and that is so + indispensable, that we should attain it anyhow. + </p> + <p> + The manner to be adopted for Magny’s retreat was proposed by myself, and + was arranged so as to consult the feelings of delicacy of both parties. I + made Magny take the Countess Ida aside, and say to her, ‘Madam, though I + have never declared myself your admirer, you and the Court have had + sufficient proof of my regard for you; and my demand would, I know, have + been backed by his Highness, your august guardian. I know the Duke’s + gracious wish is, that my attentions should be received favourably; but, + as time has not appeared to alter your attachment elsewhere, and as I have + too much spirit to force a lady of your name and rank to be united to me + against your will, the best plan is, that I should make you, for form’s + sake, a proposal UNauthorised by his Highness: that you should reply, as I + am sorry to think your heart dictates to you, in the negative: on which I + also will formally withdraw from my pursuit of you, stating that, after a + refusal, nothing, not even the Duke’s desire, should induce me to persist + in my suit.’ + </p> + <p> + The Countess Ida almost wept at hearing these words from Monsieur de + Magny, and tears came into her eyes, he said, as she took his hand for the + first time, and thanked him for the delicacy of the proposal. She little + knew that the Frenchman was incapable of that sort of delicacy, and that + the graceful manner in which he withdrew his addresses was of my + invention. + </p> + <p> + As soon as he withdrew, it became my business to step forward; but + cautiously and gently, so as not to alarm the lady, and yet firmly, so as + to convince her of the hopelessness of her design of uniting herself with + her shabby lover, the sub-lieutenant. The Princess Olivia was good enough + to perform this necessary part of the plan in my favour, and solemnly to + warn the Countess Ida, that, though Monsieur de Magny had retired from + paying his addresses, his Highness her guardian would still marry her as + he thought fit, and that she must for ever forget her out-at-elbowed + adorer. In fact, I can’t conceive how such a shabby rogue as that could + ever have had the audacity to propose for her: his birth was certainly + good; but what other qualifications had he? + </p> + <p> + When the Chevalier de Magny withdrew, numbers of other suitors, you may be + sure, presented themselves; and amongst these your very humble servant, + the cadet of Ballybarry. There was a carrousel, or tournament, held at + this period, in imitation of the antique meetings of chivalry, in which + the chevaliers tilted at each other, or at the ring; and on this occasion + I was habited in a splendid Roman dress (viz., a silver helmet, a flowing + periwig, a cuirass of gilt leather richly embroidered, a light blue velvet + mantle, and crimson morocco half-boots): and in this habit I rode my bay + horse Brian, carried off three rings, and won the prize over all the + Duke’s gentry, and the nobility of surrounding countries who had come to + the show. A wreath of gilded laurel was to be the prize of the victor, and + it was to be awarded by the lady he selected. So I rode up to the gallery + where the Countess Ida was seated behind the Hereditary Princess, and, + calling her name loudly, yet gracefully, begged to be allowed to be + crowned by her, and thus proclaimed myself to the face of all Germany, as + it were, her suitor. She turned very pale, and the Princess red, I + observed; but the Countess Ida ended by crowning me: after which, putting + spurs into my horse, I galloped round the ring, saluting his Highness the + Duke at the opposite end, and performing the most wonderful exercises with + my bay. + </p> + <p> + My success did not, as you may imagine, increase my popularity with the + young gentry. They called me adventurer, bully, dice-loader, impostor, and + a hundred pretty names; but I had a way of silencing these gentry. I took + the Count de Schmetterling, the richest and bravest of the young men who + seemed to have a hankering for the Countess Ida, and publicly insulted him + at the ridotto; flinging my cards into his face. The next day I rode + thirty-five miles into the territory of the Elector of B——, + and met Monsieur de Schmetterling, and passed my sword twice through his + body; then rode back with my second, the Chevalier de Magny, and presented + myself at the Duchess’s whist that evening. Magny was very unwilling to + accompany me at first; but I insisted upon his support, and that he should + countenance my quarrel. Directly after paying my homage to her Highness, I + went up to the Countess Ida, and made her a marked and low obeisance, + gazing at her steadily in the face until she grew crimson red; and then + staring round at every man who formed her circle, until, MA FOI, I stared + them all away. I instructed Magny to say, everywhere, that the Countess + was madly in love with me; which commission, along with many others of + mine, the poor devil was obliged to perform. He made rather a SOTTE + FIGURE, as the French say, acting the pioneer for me, praising me + everywhere, accompanying me always! he who had been the pink of the MODE + until my arrival; he who thought his pedigree of beggarly Barons of Magny + was superior to the race of great Irish kings from which I descended; who + had sneered at me a hundred times as a spadassin, a deserter, and had + called me a vulgar Irish upstart. Now I had my revenge of the gentleman, + and took it too. + </p> + <p> + I used to call him, in the choicest societies, by his Christian name of + Maxime. I would say, ‘Bon jour, Maxime; comment vas-TU?’ in the Princess’s + hearing, and could see him bite his lips for fury and vexation. But I had + him under my thumb, and her Highness too—I, poor private of Bulow’s + regiment. And this is a proof of what genius and perseverance can do, and + should act as a warning to great people never to have SECRETS—if + they can help it. + </p> + <p> + I knew the Princess hated me; but what did I care? She knew I knew all: + and indeed, I believe, so strong was her prejudice against me, that she + thought I was an indelicate villain, capable of betraying a lady, which I + would scorn to do; so that she trembled before me as a child before its + schoolmaster. She would, in her woman’s way, too, make all sorts of jokes + and sneers at me on reception days; ask about my palace in Ireland, and + the kings my ancestors, and whether, when I was a private in Bulow’s foot, + my royal relatives had interposed to rescue me, and whether the cane was + smartly administered there,—anything to mortify me. But, Heaven + bless you! I can make allowances for people, and used to laugh in her + face. Whilst her jibes and jeers were continuing, it was my pleasure to + look at poor Magny and see how HE bore them. The poor devil was trembling + lest I should break out under the Princess’s sarcasm and tell all; but my + revenge was, when the Princess attacked me, to say something bitter to + HIM,—to pass it on, as boys do at school. And THAT was the thing + which used to make her Highness feel. She would wince just as much when I + attacked Magny as if I had been saying anything rude to herself. And, + though she hated me, she used to beg my pardon in private; and though her + pride would often get the better of her, yet her prudence obliged this + magnificent princess to humble herself to the poor penniless Irish boy. + </p> + <p> + As soon as Magny had formally withdrawn from the Countess Ida, the + Princess took the young lady into favour again, and pretended to be very + fond of her. To do them justice, I don’t know which of the two disliked me + most,—the Princess, who was all eagerness, and fire, and coquetry; + or the Countess, who was all state and splendour. The latter, especially, + pretended to be disgusted by me: and yet, after all, I have pleased her + betters; was once one of the handsomest men in Europe, and would defy any + heyduc of the Court to measure a chest or a leg with me: but I did not + care for any of her silly prejudices, and determined to win her and wear + her in spite of herself. Was it on account of her personal charms or + qualities? No. She was quite white, thin, short-sighted, tall, and + awkward, and my taste is quite the contrary; and as for her mind, no + wonder that a poor creature who had a hankering after a wretched ragged + ensign could never appreciate ME. It was her estate I made love to; as for + herself, it would be a reflection on my taste as a man of fashion to own + that I liked her. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0011" id="link2HCH0011"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XI. IN WHICH THE LUCK GOES AGAINST BARRY + </h2> + <p> + My hopes of obtaining the hand of one of the richest heiresses in Germany + were now, as far as all human probability went, and as far as my own + merits and prudence could secure my fortune, pretty certain of completion. + I was admitted whenever I presented myself at the Princess’s apartments, + and had as frequent opportunities as I desired of seeing the Countess Ida + there. I cannot say that she received me with any particular favour; the + silly young creature’s affections were, as I have said, engaged ignobly + elsewhere; and, however captivating my own person and manners may have + been, it was not to be expected that she should all of a sudden forget her + lover for the sake of the young Irish gentleman who was paying his + addresses to her. But such little rebuffs as I got were far from + discouraging me. I had very powerful friends, who were to aid me in my + undertaking; and knew that, sooner or later, the victory must be mine. In + fact, I only waited my time to press my suit. Who could tell the dreadful + stroke of fortune which was impending over my illustrious protectress, and + which was to involve me partially in her ruin? + </p> + <p> + All things seemed for a while quite prosperous to my wishes; and in spite + of the Countess Ida’s disinclination, it was much easier to bring her to + her senses than, perhaps, may be supposed in a silly constitutional + country like England, where people are not brought up with those wholesome + sentiments of obedience to Royalty which were customary in Europe at the + time when I was a young man. + </p> + <p> + I have stated how, through Magny, I had the Princess, as it were, at my + feet. Her Highness had only to press the match upon the old Duke, over + whom her influence was unbounded, and to secure the goodwill of the + Countess of Liliengarten, (which was the romantic title of his Highness’s + morganatic spouse), and the easy old man would give an order for the + marriage: which his ward would perforce obey. Madame de Liliengarten was, + too, from her position, extremely anxious to oblige the Princess Olivia; + who might be called upon any day to occupy the throne. The old Duke was + tottering, apoplectic, and exceedingly fond of good living. When he was + gone, his relict would find the patronage of the Duchess Olivia most + necessary to her. Hence there was a close mutual understanding between the + two ladies; and the world said that the Hereditary Princess was already + indebted to the favourite for help on various occasions. Her Highness had + obtained, through the Countess, several large grants of money for the + payment of her multifarious debts; and she was now good enough to exert + her gracious influence over Madame de Liliengarten in order to obtain for + me the object so near my heart. It is not to be supposed that my end was + to be obtained without continual unwillingness and refusals on Magny’s + part; but I pushed my point resolutely, and had means in my hands of + overcoming the stubbornness of that feeble young gentleman. Also, I may + say, without vanity, that if the high and mighty Princess detested me, the + Countess (though she was of extremely low origin, it is said) had better + taste and admired me. She often did us the honour to go partners with us + in one of our faro-banks, and declared that I was the handsomest man in + the duchy. All I was required to prove was my nobility, and I got at + Vienna such a pedigree as would satisfy the most greedy in that way. In + fact, what had a man descended from the Barrys and the Bradys to fear + before any VON in Germany? By way of making assurance doubly sure, I + promised Madame de Liliengarten ten thousand louis on the day of my + marriage, and she knew that as a play-man I had never failed in my word: + and I vow, that had I paid fifty per cent. for it, I would have got the + money. + </p> + <p> + Thus by my talents, honesty, and acuteness, I had, considering I was a + poor patronless outcast, raised for myself very powerful protectors. Even + his Highness the Duke Victor was favourably inclined to me; for, his + favourite charger falling ill of the staggers, I gave him a ball such as + my uncle Brady used to administer, and cured the horse; after which his + Highness was pleased to notice me frequently. He invited me to his hunting + and shooting parties, where I showed myself to be a good sportsman; and + once or twice he condescended to talk to me about my prospects in life, + lamenting that I had taken to gambling, and that I had not adopted a more + regular means of advancement. ‘Sir,’ said I, ‘if you will allow me to + speak frankly to your Highness, play with me is only a means to an end. + Where should I have been without it? A private still in King Frederick’s + grenadiers. I come of a race which gave princes to my country; but + persecutions have deprived them of their vast possessions. My uncle’s + adherence to his ancient faith drove him from our country. I too resolved + to seek advancement in the military service; but the insolence and + ill-treatment which I received at the hands of the English were not + bearable by a high-born gentleman, and I fled their service. It was only + to fall into another bondage to all appearance still more hopeless; when + my good star sent a preserver to me in my uncle, and my spirit and + gallantry enabled me to take advantage of the means of escape afforded me. + Since then we have lived, I do not disguise it, by play; but who can say I + have done him a wrong? Yet, if I could find myself in an honourable post, + and with an assured maintenance, I would never, except for amusement, such + as every gentleman must have, touch a card again. I beseech your Highness + to inquire of your resident at Berlin if I did not on every occasion act + as a gallant soldier. I feel that I have talents of a higher order, and + should be proud to have occasion to exert them; if, as I do not doubt, my + fortune shall bring them into play.’ + </p> + <p> + The candour of this statement struck his Highness greatly, and impressed + him in my favour, and he was pleased to say that he believed me, and would + be glad to stand my friend. + </p> + <p> + Having thus the two Dukes, the Duchess, and the reigning favourite + enlisted on my side, the chances certainly were that I should carry off + the great prize; and I ought, according to all common calculations, to + have been a Prince of the Empire at this present writing, but that my ill + luck pursued me in a matter in which I was not the least to blame,—the + unhappy Duchess’s attachment to the weak, silly, cowardly Frenchman. The + display of this love was painful to witness, as its end was frightful to + think of. The Princess made no disguise of it. If Magny spoke a word to a + lady of her household, she would be jealous, and attack with all the fury + of her tongue the unlucky offender. She would send him a half-dozen of + notes in the day: at his arrival to join her circle or the courts which + she held, she would brighten up, so that all might perceive. It was a + wonder that her husband had not long ere this been made aware of her + faithlessness; but the Prince Victor was himself of so high and stern a + nature that he could not believe in her stooping so far from her rank as + to forget her virtue: and I have heard say, that when hints were given to + him of the evident partiality which the Princess showed for the equerry, + his answer was a stern command never more to be troubled on the subject. + ‘The Princess is light-minded,’ he said; ‘she was brought up at a + frivolous Court; but her folly goes not beyond coquetry: crime is + impossible; she has her birth, and my name, and her children, to defend + her.’ And he would ride off to his military inspections and be absent for + weeks, or retire to his suite of apartments, and remain closeted there + whole days; only appearing to make a bow at her Highness’s LEVEE, or to + give her his hand at the Court galas, where ceremony required that he + should appear. He was a man of vulgar tastes, and I have seen him in the + private garden, with his great ungainly figure, running races, or playing + at ball with his little son and daughter, whom he would find a dozen + pretexts daily for visiting. The serene children were brought to their + mother every morning at her toilette; but she received them very + indifferently: except on one occasion, when the young Duke Ludwig got his + little uniform as colonel of hussars, being presented with a regiment by + his godfather the Emperor Leopold. Then, for a day or two, the Duchess + Olivia was charmed with the little boy; but she grew tired of him + speedily, as a child does of a toy. I remember one day, in the morning + circle, some of the Princess’s rouge came off on the arm of her son’s + little white military jacket; on which she slapped the poor child’s face, + and sent him sobbing away. Oh, the woes that have been worked by women in + this world! the misery into which men have lightly stepped with smiling + faces; often not even with the excuse of passion, but from mere foppery, + vanity, and bravado! Men play with these dreadful two-edged tools, as if + no harm could come to them. I, who have seen more of life than most men, + if I had a son, would go on my knees to him and beg him to avoid woman, + who is worse than poison. Once intrigue, and your whole life is + endangered: you never know when the evil may fall upon you; and the woe of + whole families, and the ruin of innocent people perfectly dear to you, may + be caused by a moment of your folly. + </p> + <p> + When I saw how entirely lost the unlucky Monsieur de Magny seemed to be, + in spite of all the claims I had against him, I urged him to fly. He had + rooms in the palace, in the garrets over the Princess’s quarters (the + building was a huge one, and accommodated almost a city of noble retainers + of the family); but the infatuated young fool would not budge, although he + had not even the excuse of love for staying. ‘How she squints,’ he would + say of the Princess, ‘and how crooked she is! She thinks no one can + perceive her deformity. She writes me verses out of Gresset or Crebillon, + and fancies I believe them to be original. Bah! they are no more her own + than her hair is!’ It was in this way that the wretched lad was dancing + over the ruin that was yawning under him. I do believe that his chief + pleasure in making love to the Princess was, that he might write about his + victories to his friends of the PETITES MAISONS at Paris, where he longed + to be considered as a wit and a VAINQUEUR DE DAMES. + </p> + <p> + Seeing the young man’s recklessness, and the danger of his position, I + became very anxious that MY little scheme should be brought to a + satisfactory end, and pressed him warmly on the matter. + </p> + <p> + My solicitations with him were, I need not say, from the nature of the + connection between us, generally pretty successful; and, in fact, the poor + fellow could REFUSE ME NOTHING: as I used often laughingly to say to him, + very little to his liking. But I used more than threats, or the legitimate + influence I had over him. I used delicacy and generosity; as a proof of + which, I may mention that I promised to give back to the Princess the + family emerald, which I mentioned in the last chapter that I had won from + her unprincipled admirer at play. + </p> + <p> + This was done by my uncle’s consent, and was one of the usual acts of + prudence and foresight which distinguish that clever man. “Press the + matter now, Redmond my boy,” he would urge. “This affair between her + Highness and Magny must end ill for both of them, and that soon; and where + will be your chance to win the Countess then? Now is your time! win her + and wear her before the month is over, and we will give up the punting + business, and go live like noblemen at our castle in Swabia. Get rid of + that emerald, too,” he added: “should an accident happen, it will be an + ugly deposit found in our hand.” This it was that made me agree to forego + the possession of the trinket; which, I must confess, I was loth to part + with. It was lucky for us both that I did: as you shall presently hear. + </p> + <p> + Meanwhile, then, I urged Magny: I myself spoke strongly to the Countess of + Liliengarten, who promised formally to back my claim with his Highness the + reigning Duke; and Monsieur de Magny was instructed to induce the Princess + Olivia to make a similar application to the old sovereign in my behalf. It + was done. The two ladies urged the Prince; his Highness (at a supper of + oysters and champagne) was brought to consent, and her Highness the + Hereditary Princess did me the honour of notifying personally to the + Countess Ida that it was the Prince’s will that she should marry the young + Irish nobleman, the Chevalier Redmond de Balibari. The notification was + made in my presence; and though the young Countess said ‘Never!’ and fell + down in a swoon at her lady’s feet, I was, you may be sure, entirely + unconcerned at this little display of mawkish sensibility, and felt, + indeed, now that my prize was secure. + </p> + <p> + That evening I gave the Chevalier de Magny the emerald, which he promised + to restore to the Princess; and now the only difficulty in my way lay with + the Hereditary Prince, of whom his father, his wife, and the favourite, + were alike afraid. He might not be disposed to allow the richest heiress + in his duchy to be carried off by a noble, though not a wealthy foreigner. + Time was necessary in order to break the matter to Prince Victor. The + Princess must find him at some moment of good-humour. He had days of + infatuation still, when he could refuse his wife nothing; and our plan was + to wait for one of these, or for any other chance which might occur. + </p> + <p> + But it was destined that the Princess should never see her husband at her + feet, as often as he had been. Fate was preparing a terrible ending to her + follies, and my own hope. In spite of his solemn promises to me, Magny + never restored the emerald to the Princess Olivia. + </p> + <p> + He had heard, in casual intercourse with me, that my uncle and I had been + beholden to Mr. Moses Lowe, the banker of Heidelberg, who had given us a + good price for our valuables; and the infatuated young man took a pretext + to go thither, and offered the jewel for pawn. Moses Lowe recognised the + emerald at once, gave Magny the sum the latter demanded, which the + Chevalier lost presently at play: never, you may be sure, acquainting us + with the means by which he had made himself master of so much capital. We, + for our parts, supposed that he had been supplied by his usual banker, the + Princess: and many rouleaux of his gold pieces found their way into our + treasury, when at the Court galas, at our own lodgings, or at the + apartments of Madame de Liliengarten (who on these occasions did us the + honour to go halves with us) we held our bank of faro. + </p> + <p> + Thus Magny’s money was very soon gone. But though the Jew held his jewel, + of thrice the value no doubt of the sums he had lent upon it, that was not + all the profit which he intended to have from his unhappy creditor; over + whom he began speedily to exercise his authority. His Hebrew connections + at X—, money-brokers, bankers, horse-dealers, about the Court there, + must have told their Heidelberg brother what Magny’s relations with the + Princess were; and the rascal determined to take advantage of these, and + to press to the utmost both victims. My uncle and I were, meanwhile, + swimming upon the high tide of fortune, prospering with our cards, and + with the still greater matrimonial game which we were playing; and we were + quite unaware of the mine under our feet. + </p> + <p> + Before a month was passed, the Jew began to pester Magny. He presented + himself at X—, and asked for further interest-hush-money; otherwise + he must sell the emerald. Magny got money for him; the Princess again + befriended her dastardly lover. The success of the first demand only + rendered the second more exorbitant. I know not how much money was + extorted and paid on this unluckly emerald: but it was the cause of the + ruin of us all. + </p> + <p> + One night we were keeping our table as usual at the Countess of + Liliengarten’s, and Magny being in cash somehow, kept drawing out rouleau + after rouleau, and playing with his common ill success. In the middle of + the play a note was brought into him, which he read, and turned very pale + on perusing; but the luck was against him, and looking up rather anxiously + at the clock, he waited for a few more turns of the cards, when having, I + suppose, lost his last rouleau, he got up with a wild oath that scared + some of the polite company assembled, and left the room. A great trampling + of horses was heard without; but we were too much engaged with our + business to heed the noise, and continued our play. + </p> + <p> + Presently some one came into the play-room and said to the Countess, ‘Here + is a strange story! A Jew has been murdered in the Kaiserwald. Magny was + arrested when he went out of the room.’ All the party broke up on hearing + this strange news, and we shut up our bank for the night. Magny had been + sitting by me during the play (my uncle dealt and I paid and took the + money), and, looking under the chair, there was a crumpled paper, which I + took up and read. It was that which had been delivered to him, and ran + thus:</p> + + <div class="blk"> + <p>—‘If you have done it, take the orderly’s horse who brings + this. It is the best of my stable. There are a hundred louis in each + holster, and the pistols are loaded. Either course lies open to you if you + know what I mean. In a quarter of an hour I shall know our fate—whether + I am to be dishonoured and survive you, whether you are guilty and a + coward, or whether you are still worthy of the name of + </p> +<p class="rt"> + ‘M.’ +</p></div> + <p> + This was in the handwriting of the old General de Magny; and my uncle and + I, as we walked home at night, having made and divided with the Countess + Liliengarten no inconsiderable profits that night, felt our triumphs + greatly dashed by the perusal of the letter. ‘Has Magny,’ we asked, + ‘robbed the Jew, or has his intrigue been discovered?’ In either case, my + claims on the Countess Ida were likely to meet with serious drawbacks: and + I began to feel that my ‘great card’ was played and perhaps lost. + </p> + <p> + Well, it WAS lost: though I say, to this day, it was well and gallantly + played. After supper (which we never for fear of consequences took during + play) I became so agitated in my mind as to what was occurring that I + determined to sally out about midnight into the town, and inquire what was + the real motive of Magny’s apprehension. A sentry was at the door, and + signified to me that I and my uncle were under arrest. + </p> + <p> + We were left in our quarters for six weeks, so closely watched that escape + was impossible, had we desired it; but, as innocent men, we had nothing to + fear. Our course of life was open to all, and we desired and courted + inquiry. Great and tragical events happened during those six weeks; of + which, though we heard the outline, as all Europe did, when we were + released from our captivity, we were yet far from understanding all the + particulars, which were not much known to me for many years after. Here + they are, as they were told me by the lady, who of all the world perhaps + was most likely to know them. But the narrative had best form the contents + of another chapter. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0012" id="link2HCH0012"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XII. TRAGICAL HISTORY OF PRINCESS OF X—— + </h2> + <p> + More than twenty years after the events described in the past chapters, I + was walking with my Lady Lyndon in the Rotunda at Ranelagh. It was in the + year 1790; the emigration from France had already commenced, the old + counts and marquises were thronging to our shores: not starving and + miserable, as one saw them a few years afterwards, but unmolested as yet, + and bringing with them some token of their national splendour. I was + walking with Lady Lyndon, who, proverbially jealous and always anxious to + annoy me, spied out a foreign lady who was evidently remarking me, and of + course asked who was the hideous fat Dutchwoman who was leering at me so? + I knew her not in the least. I felt I had seen the lady’s face somewhere + (it was now, as my wife said, enormously fat and bloated); but I did not + recognise in the bearer of that face one who had been among the most + beautiful women in Germany in her day. + </p> + <p> + It was no other than Madame de Liliengarten, the mistress, or as some said + the morganatic wife, of the old Duke of X——, Duke Victor’s + father. She had left X——a few months after the elder Duke’s + demise, had gone to Paris, as I heard, where some unprincipled adventurer + had married her for her money; but, however, had always retained her + quasi-royal title, and pretended, amidst the great laughter of the + Parisians who frequented her house, to the honours and ceremonial of a + sovereign’s widow. She had a throne erected in her state-room, and was + styled by her servants and those who wished to pay court to her, or borrow + money from her, ‘Altesse.’ Report said she drank rather copiously—certainly + her face bore every mark of that habit, and had lost the rosy, frank, + good-humoured beauty which had charmed the sovereign who had ennobled her. + </p> + <p> + Although she did not address me in the circle at Ranelagh, I was at this + period as well known as the Prince of Wales, and she had no difficulty in + finding my house in Berkeley Square; whither a note was next morning + despatched to me. ‘An old friend of Monsieur de Balibari,’ it stated (in + extremely bad French), ‘is anxious to see the Chevalier again and to talk + over old happy times. Rosina de Liliengarten (can it be that Redmond + Balibari has forgotten her?) will be at her house in Leicester Fields all + the morning, looking for one who would never have passed her by TWENTY + YEARS ago.’ + </p> + <p> + Rosina of Liliengarten it was indeed—such a full-blown Rosina I have + seldom seen. I found her in a decent first-floor in Leicester Fields (the + poor soul fell much lower afterwards) drinking tea, which had somehow a + very strong smell of brandy in it; and after salutations, which would be + more tedious to recount than they were to perform, and after further + straggling conversation, she gave me briefly the following narrative of + the events in X——, which I may well entitle the ‘Princess’s + Tragedy.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘You remember Monsieur de Geldern, the Police Minister. He was of Dutch + extraction, and, what is more, of a family of Dutch Jews. Although + everybody was aware of this blot in his scutcheon, he was mortally angry + if ever his origin was suspected; and made up for his fathers’ errors by + outrageous professions of religion, and the most austere practices of + devotion. He visited church every morning, confessed once a week, and + hated Jews and Protestants as much as an inquisitor could do. He never + lost an opportunity of proving his sincerity, by persecuting one or the + other whenever occasion fell in his way. + </p> + <p> + ‘He hated the Princess mortally; for her Highness in some whim had + insulted him with his origin, caused pork to be removed from before him at + table, or injured him in some such silly way; and he had a violent + animosity to the old Baron de Magny, both in his capacity of Protestant, + and because the latter in some haughty mood had publicly turned his back + upon him as a sharper and a spy. Perpetual quarrels were taking place + between them in council; where it was only the presence of his august + masters that restrained the Baron from publicly and frequently expressing + the contempt which he felt for the officer of police. + </p> + <p> + ‘Thus Geldern had hatred as one reason for ruining the Princess, and it is + my belief he had a stronger motive still—interest. You remember whom + the Duke married, after the death of his first wife?—a princess of + the house of F——. Geldern built his fine palace two years + after, and, as I feel convinced, with the money which was paid to him by + the F——family for forwarding the match. + </p> + <p> + ‘To go to Prince Victor, and report to his Highness a case which everybody + knew, was not by any means Geldern’s desire. He knew the man would be + ruined for ever in the Prince’s estimation who carried him intelligence so + disastrous. His aim, therefore, was to leave the matter to explain itself + to his Highness; and, when the time was ripe, he cast about for a means of + carrying his point. He had spies in the houses of the elder and younger + Magny; but this you know, of course, from your experience of Continental + customs. We had all spies over each other. Your black (Zamor, I think, was + his name) used to give me reports every morning; and I used to entertain + the dear old Duke with stories of you and your uncle practising picquet + and dice in the morning, and with your quarrels and intrigues. We levied + similar contributions on everybody in X——, to amuse the dear + old man. Monsieur de Magny’s valet used to report both to me and Monsieur + de Geldern. + </p> + <p> + ‘I knew of the fact of the emerald being in pawn; and it was out of my + exchequer that the poor Princess drew the funds which were spent upon the + odious Lowe, and the still more worthless young Chevalier. How the + Princess could trust the latter as she persisted in doing, is beyond my + comprehension; but there is no infatuation like that of a woman in love: + and you will remark, my dear Monsieur de Balibari, that our sex generally + fix upon a bad man.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Not always, madam,’ I interposed; ‘your humble servant has created many + such attachments.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I do not see that that affects the truth of the proposition,’ said the + old lady drily, and continued her narrative. ‘The Jew who held the emerald + had had many dealings with the Princess, and at last was offered a bribe + of such magnitude, that he determined to give up the pledge. He committed + the inconceivable imprudence of bringing the emerald with him to X——, + and waited on Magny, who was provided by the Princess with money to redeem + the pledge, and was actually ready to pay it.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Their interview took place in Magny’s own apartments, when his valet + overheard every word of their conversation. The young man, who was always + utterly careless of money when it was in his possession, was so easy in + offering it, that Lowe rose in his demands, and had the conscience to ask + double the sum for which he had previously stipulated. + </p> + <p> + ‘At this the Chevalier lost all patience, fell on the wretch and was for + killing him; when the opportune valet rushed in and saved him. The man had + heard every word of the conversation between the disputants, and the Jew + ran flying with terror into his arms; and Magny, a quick and passionate, + but not a violent man, bade the servant lead the villain downstairs, and + thought no more of him. + </p> + <p> + ‘Perhaps he was not sorry to be rid of him, and to have in his possession + a large sum of money, four thousand ducats, with which he could tempt + fortune once more; as you know he did at your table that night.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Your ladyship went halves, madam,’ said I; ‘and you know how little I was + the better for my winnings.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘The man conducted the trembling Israelite out of the palace, and no + sooner had seen him lodged at the house of one of his brethren, where he + was accustomed to put up, than he went away to the office of his + Excellency the Minister of Police, and narrated every word of the + conversation which had taken place between the Jew and his master. + </p> + <p> + ‘Geldern expressed the greatest satisfaction at his spy’s prudence and + fidelity. He gave him a purse of twenty ducats, and promised to provide + for him handsomely: as great men do sometimes promise to reward their + instruments; but you, Monsieur de Balibari, know how seldom those promises + are kept. “Now, go and find out,” said Monsieur de Geldern, “at what time + the Israelite proposes to return home again, or whether he will repent and + take the money.” The man went on this errand. Meanwhile, to make matters + sure, Geldern arranged a play-party at my house, inviting you thither with + your bank, as you may remember; and finding means, at the same time, to + let Maxime de Magny know that there was to be faro at Madame de + Liliengarten’s. It was an invitation the poor fellow never neglected.’ + </p> + <p> + I remembered the facts, and listened on, amazed at the artifice of the + infernal Minister of Police. + </p> + <p> + ‘The spy came back from his message to Lowe, and stated that he had made + inquiries among the servants of the house where the Heidelberg banker + lodged, and that it was the latter’s intention to leave X——that + afternoon. He travelled by himself, riding an old horse, exceedingly + humbly attired, after the manner of his people. + </p> + <p> + ‘“Johann,” said the Minister, clapping the pleased spy upon the shoulder, + “I am more and more pleased with you. I have been thinking, since you left + me, of your intelligence, and the faithful manner in which you have served + me; and shall soon find an occasion to place you according to your merits. + Which way does this Israelitish scoundrel take?” + </p> + <p> + ‘“He goes to R——to-night.” + </p> + <p> + ‘“And must pass by the Kaiserwald. Are you a man of courage, Johann + Kerner?” + </p> + <p> + ‘“Will your Excellency try me?” said the man, his eyes glittering: “I + served through the Seven Years’ War, and was never known to fail there.” + </p> + <p> + ‘“Now, listen. The emerald must be taken from that Jew: in the very + keeping it the scoundrel has committed high treason. To the man who brings + me that emerald I swear I will give five hundred louis. You understand why + it is necessary that it should be restored to her Highness. I need say no + more.” + </p> + <p> + ‘“You shall have it to-night, sir,” said the man. “Of course your + Excellency will hold me harmless in case of accident.” + </p> + <p> + ‘“Psha!” answered the Minister; “I will pay you half the money beforehand; + such is my confidence in you. Accident’s impossible if you take your + measures properly. There are four leagues of wood; the Jew rides slowly. + It will be night before he can reach, let us say, the old Powder-Mill in + the wood. What’s to prevent you from putting a rope across the road, and + dealing with him there? Be back with me this evening at supper. If you + meet any of the patrol, say ‘foxes are loose,’—that’s the word for + to-night. They will let you pass them without questions.” + </p> + <p> + ‘The man went off quite charmed with his commission; and when Magny was + losing his money at our faro-table, his servant waylaid the Jew at the + spot named the Powder-Mill, in the Kaiserwald. The Jew’s horse stumbled + over a rope which had been placed across the road; and, as the rider fell + groaning to the ground, Johann Kerner rushed out on him, masked, and + pistol in hand, and demanded his money. He had no wish to kill the Jew, I + believe, unless his resistance should render extreme measures necessary. + </p> + <p> + ‘Nor did he commit any such murder; for, as the yelling Jew roared for + mercy, and his assailant menaced him with a pistol, a squad of patrol came + up, and laid hold of the robber and the wounded man. + </p> + <p> + ‘Kerner swore an oath. “You have come too soon,” said he to the sergeant + of the police. “FOXES ARE LOOSE.” “Some are caught,” said the sergeant, + quite unconcerned; and bound the fellow’s hands with the rope which he had + stretched across the road to entrap the Jew. He was placed behind a + policeman on a horse; Lowe was similarly accommodated, and the party thus + came back into the town as the night fell. ‘They were taken forthwith to + the police quarter; and, as the chief happened to be there, they were + examined by his Excellency in person. Both were rigorously searched; the + Jew’s papers and cases taken from him: the jewel was found in a private + pocket. As for the spy, the Minister, looking at him angrily, said, “Why, + this is the servant of the Chevalier de Magny, one of her Highness’s + equerries!” and without hearing a word in exculpation from the poor + frightened wretch, ordered him into close confinement. + </p> + <p> + ‘Calling for his horse, he then rode to the Prince’s apartments at the + palace, and asked for an instant audience. When admitted, he produced the + emerald. “This jewel,” said he, “has been found on the person of a + Heidelberg Jew, who has been here repeatedly of late, and has had many + dealings with her Highness’s equerry, the Chevalier de Magny. This + afternoon the Chevalier’s servant came from his master’s lodgings, + accompanied by the Hebrew; was heard to make inquiries as to the route the + man intended to take on his way homewards; followed him, or preceded him + rather, and was found in the act of rifling his victim by my police in the + Kaiserwald. The man will confess nothing; but, on being searched, a large + sum in gold was found on his person; and though it is with the utmost pain + that I can bring myself to entertain such an opinion, and to implicate a + gentleman of the character and name of Monsieur de Magny, I do submit that + our duty is to have the Chevalier examined relative to the affair. As + Monsieur de Magny is in her Highness’s private service, and in her + confidence I have heard, I would not venture to apprehend him without your + Highness’s permission.” + </p> + <p> + ‘The Prince’s Master of the Horse, a friend of the old Baron de Magny, who + was present at the interview, no sooner heard the strange intelligence + than he hastened away to the old general with the dreadful news of his + grandson’s supposed crime. Perhaps his Highness himself was not unwilling + that his old friend and tutor in arms should have the chance of saving his + family from disgrace; at all events, Monsieur de Hengst, the Master of the + Horse, was permitted to go off to the Baron undisturbed, and break to him + the intelligence of the accusation pending over the unfortunate Chevalier. + </p> + <p> + ‘It is possible that he expected some such dreadful catastrophe, for, + after hearing Hengst’s narrative (as the latter afterwards told me), he + only said, “Heaven’s will be done!” for some time refused to stir a step + in the matter, and then only by the solicitation of his friend was induced + to write the letter which Maxime de Magny received at our play-table. + </p> + <p> + ‘Whilst he was there, squandering the Princess’s money, a police visit was + paid to his apartments, and a hundred proofs, not of his guilt with + respect to the robbery, but of his guilty connection with the Princess, + were discovered there,—tokens of her giving, passionate letters from + her, copies of his own correspondence to his young friends at Paris,—all + of which the Police Minister perused, and carefully put together under + seal for his Highness, Prince Victor. I have no doubt he perused them, + for, on delivering them to the Hereditary Prince, Geldern said that, IN + OBEDIENCE TO HIS HIGHNESS’S ORDERS, he had collected the Chevalier’s + papers; but he need not say that, on his honour, he (Geldern) himself had + never examined the documents. His difference with Messieurs de Magny was + known; he begged his Highness to employ any other official person in the + judgment of the accusation brought against the young Chevalier. + </p> + <p> + ‘All these things were going on while the Chevalier was at play. A run of + luck—you had great luck in those days, Monsieur de Balibari—was + against him. He stayed and lost his 4000 ducats. He received his uncle’s + note, and such was the infatuation of the wretched gambler, that, on + receipt of it, he went down to the courtyard, where the horse was in + waiting, absolutely took the money which the poor old gentleman had placed + in the saddle-holsters, brought it upstairs, played it, and lost it; and + when he issued from the room to fly, it was too late: he was placed in + arrest at the bottom of my staircase, as you were upon entering your own + home. + </p> + <p> + ‘Even when he came in under the charge of the soldiery sent to arrest him, + the old General, who was waiting, was overjoyed to see him, and flung + himself into the lad’s arms, and embraced him: it was said, for the first + time in many years. “He is here, gentlemen,” he sobbed out,—“thank + God he is not guilty of the robbery!” and then sank back in a chair in a + burst of emotion; painful, it was said by those present, to witness on the + part of a man so brave, and known to be so cold and stern. + </p> + <p> + ‘“Robbery!” said the young man. “I swear before Heaven I am guilty of + none!” and a scene of almost touching reconciliation passed between them, + before the unhappy young man was led from the guard-house into the prison + which he was destined never to quit. + </p> + <p> + ‘That night the Duke looked over the papers which Geldern had brought to + him. It was at a very early stage of the perusal, no doubt, that he gave + orders for your arrest; for you were taken at midnight, Magny at ten + o’clock; after which time the old Baron de Magny had seen his Highness, + protesting of his grandson’s innocence, and the Prince had received him + most graciously and kindly. His Highness said he had no doubt the young + man was innocent; his birth and his blood rendered such a crime + impossible; but suspicion was too strong against him: he was known to have + been that day closeted with the Jew; to have received a very large sum of + money which he squandered at play, and of which the Hebrew had, doubtless, + been the lender,—to have despatched his servant after him, who + inquired the hour of the Jew’s departure, lay in wait for him, and rifled + him. Suspicion was so strong against the Chevalier, that common justice + required his arrest; and, meanwhile, until he cleared himself, he should + be kept in not dishonourable durance, and every regard had for his name, + and the services of his honourable grandfather. With this assurance, and + with a warm grasp of the hand, the Prince left old General de Magny that + night; and the veteran retired to rest almost consoled, and confident in + Maxime’s eventual and immediate release. + </p> + <p> + ‘But in the morning, before daybreak, the Prince, who had been reading + papers all night, wildly called to the page, who slept in the next room + across the door, bade him get horses, which were always kept in readiness + in the stables, and, flinging a parcel of letters into a box, told the + page to follow him on horseback with these. The young man (Monsieur de + Weissenborn) told this to a young lady who was then of my household, and + who is now Madame de Weissenborn, and a mother of a score of children. + </p> + <p> + ‘The page described that never was such a change seen as in his august + master in the course of that single night. His eyes were bloodshot, his + face livid, his clothes were hanging loose about him, and he who had + always made his appearance on parade as precisely dressed as any sergeant + of his troops, might have been seen galloping through the lonely streets + at early dawn without a hat, his unpowdered hair streaming behind him like + a madman. + </p> + <p> + ‘The page, with the box of papers, clattered after his master,—it + was no easy task to follow him; and they rode from the palace to the town, + and through it to the General’s quarter. The sentinels at the door were + scared at the strange figure that rushed up to the General’s gate, and, + not knowing him, crossed bayonets, and refused him admission. “Fools,” + said Weissenborn, “it is the Prince!” And, jangling at the bell as if for + an alarm of fire, the door was at length opened by the porter, and his + Highness ran up to the Generals bedchamber, followed by the page with the + box. + </p> + <p> + ‘“Magny—Magny,” roared the Prince, thundering at the closed door, + “get up!” And to the queries of the old man from within, answered, “It is + I—Victor—the Prince!—get up!” And presently the door was + opened by the General in his ROBE-DE-CHAMBRE, and the Prince entered. The + page brought in the box, and was bidden to wait without, which he did; but + there led from Monsieur de Magny’s bedroom into his antechamber two doors, + the great one which formed the entrance into his room, and a smaller one + which led, as the fashion is with our houses abroad, into the closet which + communicates with the alcove where the bed is. The door of this was found + by M. de Weissenborn to be open, and the young man was thus enabled to + hear and see everything which occurred within the apartment. + </p> + <p> + ‘The General, somewhat nervously, asked what was the reason of so early a + visit from his Highness; to which the Prince did not for a while reply, + farther than by staring at him rather wildly, and pacing up and down the + room. + </p> + <p> + ‘At last he said, “Here is the cause!” dashing his fist on the box; and, + as he had forgotten to bring the key with him, he went to the door for a + moment, saying, “Weissenborn perhaps has it;” but seeing over the stove + one of the General’s couteaux de chasse, he took it down, and said, “That + will do,” and fell to work to burst the red trunk open with the blade of + the forest knife. The point broke, and he gave an oath, but continued + haggling on with the broken blade, which was better suited to his purpose + than the long pointed knife, and finally succeeded in wrenching open the + lid of the chest. + </p> + <p> + ‘“What is the matter?” said he, laughing. “Here’s the matter;—read + that!—here’s more matter, read that!—here’s more—no, not + that; that’s somebody else’s picture—but here’s hers! Do you know + that, Magny? My wife’s—the Princess’s! Why did you and your cursed + race ever come out of France, to plant your infernal wickedness wherever + your feet fell, and to ruin honest German homes? What have you and yours + ever had from my family but confidence and kindness? We gave you a home + when you had none, and here’s our reward!” and he flung a parcel of papers + down before the old General; who saw the truth at once;—he had known + it long before, probably, and sank down on his chair, covering his face. + </p> + <p> + ‘The Prince went on gesticulating, and shrieking almost. “If a man injured + you so, Magny, before you begot the father of that gambling lying villain + yonder, you would have known how to revenge yourself. You would have + killed him! Yes, would have killed him. But who’s to help me to my + revenge? I’ve no equal. I can’t meet that dog of a Frenchman,—that + pimp from Versailles,—and kill him, as if he had played the traitor + to one of his own degree.” + </p> + <p> + ‘“The blood of Maxime de Magny,” said the old gentleman proudly, “is as + good as that of any prince in Christendom.” + </p> + <p> + ‘“Can I take it?” cried the Prince; “you know I can’t. I can’t have the + privilege of any other gentleman in Europe. What am I to do? Look here, + Magny: I was wild when I came here; I didn’t know what to do. You’ve + served me for thirty years; you’ve saved my life twice: they are all + knaves and harlots about my poor old father here—no honest men or + women—you are the only one—you saved my life; tell me what am + I to do?” Thus from insulting Monsieur de Magny, the poor distracted + Prince fell to supplicating him; and, at last, fairly flung himself down, + and burst out in an agony of tears. + </p> + <p> + ‘Old Magny, one of the most rigid and cold of men on common occasions, + when he saw this outbreak of passion on the Prince’s part, became, as my + informant has described to me, as much affected as his master. The old man + from being cold and high, suddenly fell, as it were, into the whimpering + querulousness of extreme old age. He lost all sense of dignity; he went + down on his knees, and broke out into all sorts of wild incoherent + attempts at consolation; so much so, that Weissenborn said he could not + bear to look at the scene, and actually turned away from the contemplation + of it. + </p> + <p> + ‘But, from what followed in a few days, we may guess the results of the + long interview. The Prince, when he came away from the conversation with + his old servant, forgot his fatal box of papers and sent the page back for + them. The General was on his knees praying in the room when the young man + entered, and only stirred and looked wildly round as the other removed the + packet. The Prince rode away to his hunting-lodge at three leagues from X——, + and three days after that Maxime de Magny died in prison; having made a + confession that he was engaged in an attempt to rob the Jew, and that he + had made away with himself, ashamed of his dishonour. + </p> + <p> + ‘But it is not known that it was the General himself who took his grandson + poison: it was said even that he shot him in the prison. This, however, + was not the case. General de Magny carried his grandson the draught which + was to carry him out of the world; represented to the wretched youth that + his fate was inevitable; that it would be public and disgraceful unless he + chose to anticipate the punishment, and so left him. But IT WAS NOT OF HIS + OWN ACCORD, and not until he had used EVERY means of escape, as you shall + hear, that the unfortunate being’s life was brought to an end. + </p> + <p> + ‘As for General de Magny, he quite fell into imbecility a short time after + his grandson’s death, and my honoured Duke’s demise. After his Highness + the Prince married the Princess Mary of F——, as they were + walking in the English park together they once met old Magny riding in the + sun in the easy chair, in which he was carried commonly abroad after his + paralytic fits. “This is my wife, Magny,” said the Prince affectionately, + taking the veteran’s hand; and he added, turning to his Princess, “General + de Magny saved my life during the Seven Years’ War.” + </p> + <p> + ‘“What, you’ve taken her back again?” said the old man. “I wish you’d send + me back my poor Maxime.” He had quite forgotten the death of the poor + Princess Olivia, and the Prince, looking very dark indeed, passed away. + </p> + <p> + ‘And now,’ said Madame de Liliengarten, ‘I have only one more gloomy story + to relate to you—the death of the Princess Olivia. It is even more + horrible than the tale I have just told you.’ With which preface the old + lady resumed her narrative. + </p> + <p> + ‘The kind weak Princess’s fate was hastened, if not occasioned, by the + cowardice of Magny. He found means to communicate with her from his + prison, and her Highness, who was not in open disgrace yet (for the Duke, + out of regard to the family, persisted in charging Magny with only + robbery), made the most desperate efforts to relieve him, and to bribe the + gaolers to effect his escape. She was so wild that she lost all patience + and prudence in the conduct of any schemes she may have had for Magny’s + liberation; for her husband was inexorable, and caused the Chevalier’s + prison to be too strictly guarded for escape to be possible. She offered + the State jewels in pawn to the Court banker; who of course was obliged to + decline the transaction. She fell down on her knees, it is said, to + Geldern, the Police Minister, and offered him Heaven knows what as a + bribe. Finally, she came screaming to my poor dear Duke, who, with his + age, diseases, and easy habits, was quite unfit for scenes of so violent a + nature; and who, in consequence of the excitement created in his august + bosom by her frantic violence and grief, had a fit in which I very nigh + lost him. That his dear life was brought to an untimely end by these + transactions I have not the slightest doubt; for the Strasbourg pie, of + which they said he died, never, I am sure, could have injured him, but for + the injury which his dear gentle heart received from the unusual + occurrences in which he was forced to take a share. + </p> + <p> + ‘All her Highness’s movements were carefully, though not ostensibly, + watched by her husband, Prince Victor; who, waiting upon his august + father, sternly signified to him that if his Highness (MY Duke) should + dare to aid the Princess in her efforts to release Magny, he, Prince + Victor, would publicly accuse the Princess and her paramour of high + treason, and take measures with the Diet for removing his father from the + throne, as incapacitated to reign. Hence interposition on our part was + vain, and Magny was left to his fate. + </p> + <p> + ‘It came, as you are aware, very suddenly. Geldern, Police Minister, + Hengst, Master of the Horse, and the colonel of the Prince’s guard, waited + upon the young man in his prison two days after his grandfather had + visited him there and left behind him the phial of poison which the + criminal had not the courage to use. And Geldern signified to the young + man that unless he took of his own accord the laurelwater provided by the + elder Magny, more violent means of death would be instantly employed upon + him, and that a file of grenadiers was in waiting in the courtyard to + despatch him. Seeing this, Magny, with the most dreadful self-abasement, + after dragging himself round the room on his knees from one officer to + another, weeping and screaming with terror, at last desperately drank off + the potion, and was a corpse in a few minutes. Thus ended this wretched + young man. + </p> + <p> + ‘His death was made public in the COURT GAZETTE two days after, the + paragraph stating that Monsieur de M——, struck with remorse + for having attempted the murder of the Jew, had put himself to death by + poison in prison; and a warning was added to all young noblemen of the + duchy to avoid the dreadful sin of gambling, which had been the cause of + the young man’s ruin, and had brought upon the grey hairs of one of the + noblest and most honourable of the servants of the Duke irretrievable + sorrow. + </p> + <p> + ‘The funeral was conducted with decent privacy, the General de Magny + attending it. The carriages of the two Dukes and all the first people of + the Court made their calls upon the General afterwards. He attended parade + as usual the next day on the Arsenal-Place, and Duke Victor, who had been + inspecting the building, came out of it leaning on the brave old warrior’s + arm. He was particularly gracious to the old man, and told his officers + the oft-repeated story how at Rosbach, when the X——contingent + served with the troops of the unlucky Soubise, the General had thrown + himself in the way of a French dragoon, who was pressing hard upon his + Highness in the rout, had received the blow intended for his master, and + killed the assailant. And he alluded to the family motto of “Magny sans + tache,” and said, “It had been always so with his gallant friend and tutor + in arms.” This speech affected all present very much; with the exception + of the old General, who only bowed and did not speak: but when he went + home he was heard muttering “Magny sans tache, Magny sans tache!” and was + attacked with paralysis that night, from which he never more than + partially recovered. + </p> + <p> + ‘The news of Maxime’s death had somehow been kept from the Princess until + now: a GAZETTE even being printed without the paragraph containing the + account of his suicide; but it was at length, I know not how, made known + to her. And when she heard it, her ladies tell me, she screamed and fell, + as if struck dead; then sat up wildly and raved like a madwoman, and was + then carried to her bed, where her physician attended her, and where she + lay of a brain-fever. All this while the Prince used to send to make + inquiries concerning her; and from his giving orders that his Castle of + Schlangenfels should be prepared and furnished, I make no doubt it was his + intention to send her into confinement thither: as had been done with the + unhappy sister of His Britannic Majesty at Zell. + </p> + <p> + ‘She sent repeatedly to demand an interview with his Highness; which the + latter declined, saying that he would communicate with her Highness when + her health was sufficiently recovered. To one of her passionate letters he + sent back for reply a packet, which, when opened, was found to contain the + emerald that had been the cause round which all this dark intrigue moved. + </p> + <p> + ‘Her Highness at this time became quite frantic; vowed in the presence of + all her ladies that one lock of her darling Maxime’s hair was more + precious to her than all the jewels in the world: rang for her carriage, + and said she would go and kiss his tomb; proclaimed the murdered martyr’s + innocence, and called down the punishment of Heaven, the wrath of her + family, upon his assassin. The Prince, on hearing these speeches (they + were all, of course, regularly brought to him), is said to have given one + of his dreadful looks (which I remember now), and to have said, “This + cannot last much longer.” + </p> + <p> + ‘All that day and the next the Princess Olivia passed in dictating the + most passionate letters to the Prince her father, to the Kings of France, + Naples, and Spain, her kinsmen, and to all other branches of her family, + calling upon them in the most incoherent terms to protect her against the + butcher and assassin her husband, assailing his person in the maddest + terms of reproach, and at the same time confessing her love for the + murdered Magny. It was in vain that those ladies who were faithful to her + pointed out to her the inutility of these letters, the dangerous folly of + the confessions which they made; she insisted upon writing them, and used + to give them to her second robe-woman, a Frenchwoman (her Highness always + affectioned persons of that nation), who had the key of her cassette, and + carried every one of these epistles to Geldern. + </p> + <p> + ‘With the exception that no public receptions were held, the ceremony of + the Princess’s establishment went on as before. Her ladies were allowed to + wait upon her and perform their usual duties about her person. The only + men admitted were, however, her servants, her physician and chaplain; and + one day when she wished to go into the garden, a heyduc, who kept the + door, intimated to her Highness that the Prince’s orders were that she + should keep her apartments. + </p> + <p> + ‘They abut, as you remember, upon the landing of the marble staircase of + Schloss X——; the entrance to Prince Victor’s suite of rooms + being opposite the Princess’s on the same landing. This space is large, + filled with sofas and benches, and the gentlemen and officers who waited + upon the Duke used to make a sort of antechamber of the landing-place, and + pay their court to his Highness there, as he passed out, at eleven + o’clock, to parade. At such a time, the heyducs within the Princess’s + suite of rooms used to turn out with their halberts and present to Prince + Victor—the same ceremony being performed on his own side, when pages + came out and announced the approach of his Highness. The pages used to + come out and say, “The Prince, gentlemen!” and the drums beat in the hall, + and the gentlemen rose, who were waiting on the benches that ran along the + balustrade. + </p> + <p> + ‘As if fate impelled her to her death, one day the Princess, as her guards + turned out, and she was aware that the Prince was standing, as was his + wont, on the landing, conversing with his gentlemen (in the old days he + used to cross to the Princess’s apartment and kiss her hand)—the + Princess, who had been anxious all the morning, complaining of heat, + insisting that all the doors of the apartments should be left open; and + giving tokens of an insanity which I think was now evident, rushed wildly + at the doors when the guards passed out, flung them open, and before a + word could be said, or her ladies could follow her, was in presence of + Duke Victor, who was talking as usual on the landing: placing herself + between him and the stair, she began apostrophising him with frantic + vehemence:— + </p> + <p> + ‘“Take notice, gentlemen!” she screamed out, “that this man is a murderer + and a liar; that he lays plots for honourable gentlemen, and kills them in + prison! Take notice, that I too am in prison, and fear the same fate: the + same butcher who killed Maxime de Magny, may, any night, put the knife to + my throat. I appeal to you, and to all the kings of Europe, my Royal + kinsmen. I demand to be set free from this tyrant and villain, this liar + and traitor! I adjure you all, as gentlemen of honour, to carry these + letters to my relatives, and say from whom you had them!” and with this + the unhappy lady began scattering letters about among the astonished + crowd. + </p> + <p> + ‘“LET NO MAN STOOP!” cried the Prince, in a voice of thunder. “Madame de + Gleim, you should have watched your patient better. Call the Princess’s + physicians: her Highness’s brain is affected. Gentlemen, have the goodness + to retire.” And the Prince stood on the landing as the gentlemen went down + the stairs, saying fiercely to the guard, “Soldier, if she moves, strike + with your halbert!” on which the man brought the point of his weapon to + the Princess’s breast; and the lady, frightened, shrank back and + re-entered her apartments. “Now, Monsieur de Weissenborn,” said the + Prince, “pick up all those papers;” and the Prince went into his own + apartments, preceded by his pages, and never quitted them until he had + seen every one of the papers burnt. + </p> + <p> + ‘The next day the COURT GAZETTE contained a bulletin signed by the three + physicians, stating that “her Highness the Hereditary Princess laboured + under inflammation of the brain, and had passed a restless and disturbed + night.” Similar notices were issued day after day. The services of all her + ladies, except two, were dispensed with. Guards were placed within and + without her doors; her windows were secured, so that escape from them was + impossible: and you know what took place ten days after. The church-bells + were ringing all night, and the prayers of the faithful asked for a person + IN EXTREMIS. A GAZETTE appeared in the morning, edged with black, and + stating that the high and mighty Princess Olivia Maria Ferdinanda, consort + of His Serene Highness Victor Louis Emanuel, Hereditary Prince of X——, + had died in the evening of the 24th of January 1769. + </p> + <p> + ‘But do you know HOW she died, sir? That, too, is a mystery. Weissenborn, + the page, was concerned in this dark tragedy; and the secret was so + dreadful, that never, believe me, till Prince Victor’s death, did I reveal + it. + </p> + <p> + ‘After the fatal ESCLANDRE which the Princess had made, the Prince sent + for Weissenborn, and binding him by the most solemn adjuration to secrecy + (he only broke it to his wife many years after: indeed, there is no secret + in the world that women cannot know if they will), despatched him on the + following mysterious commission. + </p> + <p> + ‘“There lives,” said his Highness, “on the Kehl side of the river, + opposite to Strasbourg, a man whose residence you will easily find out + from his name, which is MONSIEUR DE STRASBOURG. You will make your + inquiries concerning him quietly, and without occasioning any remark; + perhaps you had better go into Strasbourg for the purpose, where the + person is quite well known. You will take with you any comrade on whom you + can perfectly rely: the lives of both, remember, depend on your secrecy. + You will find out some period when MONSIEUR DE STRASBOURG is alone, or + only in company of the domestic who lives with him (I myself visited the + man by accident on my return from Paris five years since, and hence am + induced to send for him now, in my present emergency). You will have your + carriage waiting at his door at night; and you and your comrade will enter + his house masked; and present him with a purse of a hundred louis; + promising him double that sum on his return from his expedition. If he + refuse, you must use force and bring him; menacing him with instant death + should he decline to follow you. You will place him in the carriage with + the blinds drawn, one or other of you never losing sight of him the whole + way, and threatening him with death if he discover himself or cry out. You + will lodge him in the old Tower here, where a room shall be prepared for + him; and his work being done, you will restore him to his home with the + same speed and secrecy with which you brought him from it.” + </p> + <p> + ‘Such were the mysterious orders Prince Victor gave his page; and + Weissenborn, selecting for his comrade in the expedition Lieutenant + Bartenstein, set out on his strange journey. + </p> + <p> + ‘All this while the palace was hushed, as if in mourning, the bulletins in + the COURT GAZETTE appeared, announcing the continuance of the Princess’s + malady; and though she had but few attendants, strange and circumstantial + stories were told regarding the progress of her complaint. She was quite + wild. She had tried to kill herself. She had fancied herself to be I don’t + know how many different characters. Expresses were sent to her family + informing them of her state, and couriers despatched PUBLICLY to Vienna + and Paris to procure the attendance of physicians skilled in treating + diseases of the brain. That pretended anxiety was all a feint: it was + never intended that the Princess should recover. + </p> + <p> + ‘The day on which Weissenborn and Bartenstein returned from their + expedition, it was announced that her Highness the Princess was much + worse; that night the report through the town was that she was at the + agony: and that night the unfortunate creature was endeavouring to make + her escape. + </p> + <p> + ‘She had unlimited confidence in the French chamber-woman who attended + her, and between her and this woman the plan of escape was arranged. The + Princess took her jewels in a casket; a private door, opening from one of + her rooms and leading into the outer gate, it was said, of the palace, was + discovered for her: and a letter was brought to her, purporting to be from + the Duke, her father-in-law, and stating that a carriage and horses had + been provided, and would take her to B——: the territory where + she might communicate with her family and be safe. + </p> + <p> + ‘The unhappy lady, confiding in her guardian, set out on the expedition. + The passages wound through the walls of the modern part of the palace and + abutted in effect at the old Owl Tower, as it was called, on the outer + wall: the tower was pulled down afterwards, and for good reason. + </p> + <p> + ‘At a certain place the candle, which the chamberwoman was carrying, went + out; and the Princess would have screamed with terror, but her hand was + seized, and a voice cried “Hush!” The next minute a man in a mask (it was + the Duke himself) rushed forward, gagged her with a handkerchief, her + hands and legs were bound, and she was carried swooning with terror into a + vaulted room, where she was placed by a person there waiting, and tied in + an arm-chair. The same mask who had gagged her, came and bared her neck + and said, “It had best be done now she has fainted.” + </p> + <p> + ‘Perhaps it would have been as well; for though she recovered from her + swoon, and her confessor, who was present, came forward and endeavoured to + prepare her for the awful deed which was about to be done upon her, and + for the state into which she was about to enter, when she came to herself + it was only to scream like a maniac, to curse the Duke as a butcher and + tyrant, and to call upon Magny, her dear Magny. + </p> + <p> + ‘At this the Duke said, quite calmly, “May God have mercy on her sinful + soul!” He, the confessor, and Geldern, who were present, went down on + their knees; and, as his Highness dropped his handkerchief, Weissenborn + fell down in a fainting fit; while MONSIEUR DE STRASBOURG, taking the back + hair in his hand, separated the shrieking head of Olivia from the + miserable sinful body. May Heaven have mercy upon her soul!’ + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + This was the story told by Madame de Liliengarten, and the reader will + have no difficulty in drawing from it that part which affected myself and + my uncle; who, after six weeks of arrest, were set at liberty, but with + orders to quit the duchy immediately: indeed, with an escort of dragoons + to conduct us to the frontier. What property we had, we were allowed to + sell and realise in money; but none of our play debts were paid to us: and + all my hopes of the Countess Ida were thus at an end. + </p> + <p> + When Duke Victor came to the throne, which he did when, six months after, + apoplexy carried off the old sovereign his father, all the good old usages + of X——were given up,—play forbidden; the opera and + ballet sent to the right-about; and the regiments which the old Duke had + sold recalled from their foreign service: with them came my Countess’s + beggarly cousin the ensign, and he married her. I don’t know whether they + were happy or not. It is certain that a woman of such a poor spirit did + not merit any very high degree of pleasure. + </p> + <p> + The now reigning Duke of X——himself married four years after + his first wife’s demise, and Geldern, though no longer Police Minister, + built the grand house of which Madame de Liliengarten spoke. What became + of the minor actors in the great tragedy, who knows? Only MONSIEUR DE + STRASBOURG was restored to his duties. Of the rest—the Jew, the + chamber-woman, the spy on Magny—I know nothing. Those sharp tools + with which great people cut out their enterprises are generally broken in + the using: nor did I ever hear that their employers had much regard for + them in their ruin. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0013" id="link2HCH0013"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIII. I CONTINUE MY CAREER AS A MAN OF FASHION + </h2> + <p> + I find I have already filled up many scores of pages, and yet a vast deal + of the most interesting portion of my history remains to be told, viz. + that which describes my sojourn in the kingdoms of England and Ireland, + and the great part I played there; moving among the most illustrious of + the land, myself not the least distinguished of the brilliant circle. In + order to give due justice to this portion of my Memoirs, then,—which + is more important than my foreign adventures can be (though I could fill + volumes with interesting descriptions of the latter),—I shall cut + short the account of my travels in Europe, and of my success at the + Continental Courts, in order to speak of what befell me at home. Suffice + it to say that there is not a capital in Europe, except the beggarly one + of Berlin, where the young Chevalier de Balibari was not known and + admired; and where he has not made the brave, the high-born, and the + beautiful talk of him. I won 80,000 roubles from Potemkin at the Winter + Palace at Petersburg, which the scoundrelly favourite never paid me; I + have had the honour of seeing his Royal Highness the Chevalier Charles + Edward as drunk as any porter at Rome; my uncle played several matches at + billiards against the celebrated Lord C——at Spa, and I promise + you did not come off a loser. In fact, by a neat stratagem of ours, we + raised the laugh against his Lordship, and something a great deal more + substantial. My Lord did not know that the Chevalier Barry had a useless + eye; and when, one day, my uncle playfully bet him odds at billiards that + he would play him with a patch over one eye, the noble lord, thinking to + bite us (he was one of the most desperate gamblers that ever lived), + accepted the bet, and we won a very considerable amount of him. + </p> + <p> + Nor need I mention my successes among the fairer portion of the creation. + One of the most accomplished, the tallest, the most athletic, and the + handsomest gentlemen of Europe, as I was then, a young fellow of my figure + could not fail of having advantages, which a person of my spirit knew very + well how to use. But upon these subjects I am dumb. Charming Schuvaloff, + black-eyed Sczotarska, dark Valdez, tender Hegenheim, brilliant Langeac!—ye + gentle hearts that knew how to beat in old times for the warm young Irish + gentleman, where are you now? Though my hair has grown grey now, and my + sight dim, and my heart cold with years, and ennui, and disappointment, + and the treachery of friends, yet I have but to lean back in my arm-chair + and think, and those sweet figures come rising up before me out of the + past, with their smiles, and their kindnesses, and their bright tender + eyes! There are no women like them now—no manners like theirs! Look + you at a bevy of women at the Prince’s, stitched up in tight white satin + sacks, with their waists under their arms, and compare them to the + graceful figures of the old time! Why, when I danced with Coralie de + Langeac at the fetes on the birth of the first Dauphin at Versailles, her + hoop was eighteen feet in circumference, and the heels of her lovely + little mules were three inches from the ground; the lace of my jabot was + worth a thousand crowns, and the buttons of my amaranth velvet coat alone + cost eighty thousand livres. Look at the difference now! The gentlemen are + dressed like boxers, Quakers, or hackney-coachmen; and the ladies are not + dressed at all. There is no elegance, no refinement; none of the chivalry + of the old world, of which I form a portion. Think of the fashion of + London being led by a Br-mm-l! [Footnote: This manuscript must have been + written at the time when Mr. Brummel was the leader of the London + fashion.] a nobody’s son: a low creature, who can no more dance a minuet + than I can talk Cherokee; who cannot even crack a bottle like a gentleman; + who never showed himself to be a man with his sword in his hand: as we + used to approve ourselves in the good old times, before that vulgar + Corsican upset the gentry of the world! Oh, to see the Valdez once again, + as on that day I met her first driving in state, with her eight mules and + her retinue of gentlemen, by the side of yellow Mancanares! Oh, for + another drive with Hegenheim, in the gilded sledge, over the Saxon snow! + False as Schuvaloff was, ‘twas better to be jilted by her than to be + adored by any other woman. I can’t think of any one of them without + tenderness. I have ringlets of all their hair in my poor little museum of + recollections. Do you keep mine, you dear souls that survive the turmoils + and troubles of near half a hundred years? How changed its colour is now, + since the day Sczotarska wore it round her neck, after my duel with Count + Bjernaski, at Warsaw. + </p> + <p> + I never kept any beggarly books of accounts in those days. I had no debts. + I paid royally for everything I took; and I took everything I wanted. My + income must have been very large. My entertainments and equipages were + those of a gentleman of the highest distinction; nor let any scoundrel + presume to sneer because I carried off and married my Lady Lyndon (as you + shall presently hear), and call me an adventurer, or say I was penniless, + or the match unequal. Penniless! I had the wealth of Europe at my command. + Adventurer! So is a meritorious lawyer or a gallant soldier; so is every + man who makes his own fortune an adventurer. My profession was play: in + which I was then unrivalled. No man could play with me through Europe, on + the square; and my income was just as certain (during health and the + exercise of my profession) as that of a man who draws on his + Three-per-cents., or any fat squire whose acres bring him revenue. Harvest + is not more certain than the effect of skill is: a crop is a chance, as + much as a game of cards greatly played by a fine player: there may be a + drought, or a frost, or a hail-storm, and your stake is lost; but one man + is just as much an adventurer as another. + </p> + <p> + In evoking the recollection of these kind and fair creatures I have + nothing but pleasure. I would I could say as much of the memory of another + lady, who will henceforth play a considerable part in the drama of my + life,—I mean the Countess of Lyndon; whose fatal acquaintance I made + at Spa, very soon after the events described in the last chapter had + caused me to quit Germany. + </p> + <p> + Honoria, Countess of Lyndon, Viscountess Bullingdon in England, Baroness + Castle Lyndon of the kingdom of Ireland, was so well known to the great + world in her day, that I have little need to enter into her family + history; which is to be had in any peerage that the reader may lay his + hand on. She was, as I need not say, a countess, viscountess, and baroness + in her own right. Her estates in Devon and Cornwall were among the most + extensive in those parts; her Irish possessions not less magnificent; and + they have been alluded to, in a very early part of these Memoirs, as lying + near to my own paternal property in the kingdom of Ireland: indeed, unjust + confiscations in the time of Elizabeth and her father went to diminish my + acres, while they added to the already vast possessions of the Lyndon + family. + </p> + <p> + The Countess, when I first saw her at the assembly at Spa, was the wife of + her cousin, the Right Honourable Sir Charles Reginald Lyndon, Knight of + the Bath, and Minister to George II. and George III. at several of the + smaller Courts of Europe. Sir Charles Lyndon was celebrated as a wit and + bon vivant: he could write love-verses against Hanbury Williams, and make + jokes with George Selwyn; he was a man of vertu like Harry Walpole, with + whom and Mr. Grey he had made a part of the grand tour; and was cited, in + a word, as one of the most elegant and accomplished men of his time. + </p> + <p> + I made this gentleman’s acquaintance as usual at the play-table, of which + he was a constant frequenter. Indeed, one could not but admire the spirit + and gallantry with which he pursued his favourite pastime; for, though + worn out by gout and a myriad of diseases, a cripple wheeled about in a + chair, and suffering pangs of agony, yet you would see him every morning + and every evening at his post behind the delightful green cloth: and if, + as it would often happen, his own hands were too feeble or inflamed to + hold the box, he would call the mains, nevertheless, and have his valet or + a friend to throw for him. I like this courageous spirit in a man; the + greatest successes in life have been won by such indomitable perseverance. + </p> + <p> + I was by this time one of the best-known characters in Europe; and the + fame of my exploits, my duels, my courage at play, would bring crowds + around me in any public society where I appeared. I could show reams of + scented paper, to prove that this eagerness to make my acquaintance was + not confined to the gentlemen only; but that I hate boasting, and only + talk of myself in so far as it is necessary to relate myself’s adventures: + the most singular of any man’s in Europe. Well, Sir Charles Lyndon’s first + acquaintance with me originated in the right honourable knight’s winning + 700 pieces of me at picquet (for which he was almost my match); and I lost + them with much good-humour, and paid them: and paid them, you may be sure, + punctually. Indeed, I will say this for myself, that losing money at play + never in the least put me out of good-humour with the winner, and that + wherever I found a superior, I was always ready to acknowledge and hail + him. + </p> + <p> + Lyndon was very proud of winning from so celebrated a person, and we + contracted a kind of intimacy; which, however, did not for a while go + beyond pump-room attentions, and conversations over the supper-table at + play: but which gradually increased, until I was admitted into his more + private friendship. He was a very free-spoken man (the gentry of those + days were much prouder than at present), and used to say to me in his + haughty easy way, ‘Hang it, Mr. Barry, you have no more manners than a + barber, and I think my black footman has been better educated than you; + but you are a young fellow of originality and pluck, and I like you, sir, + because you seem determined to go to the deuce by a way of your own.’ I + would thank him laughingly for this compliment, and say, that as he was + bound to the next world much sooner than I was, I would be obliged to him + to get comfortable quarters arranged there for me. He used also to be + immensely amused with my stories about the splendour of my family and the + magnificence of Castle Brady: he would never tire of listening or laughing + at those histories. + </p> + <p> + ‘Stick to the trumps, however, my lad,’ he would say, when I told him of + my misfortunes in the conjugal line, and how near I had been winning the + greatest fortune in Germany. ‘Do anything but marry, my artless Irish + rustic’ (he called me by a multiplicity of queer names). ‘Cultivate your + great talents in the gambling line; but mind this, that a woman will beat + you.’ + </p> + <p> + That I denied; mentioning several instances in which I had conquered the + most intractable tempers among the sex. + </p> + <p> + ‘They will beat you in the long run, my Tipperary Alcibiades. As soon as + you are married, take my word of it, you are conquered. Look at me. I + married my cousin, the noblest and greatest heiress in England—married + her in spite of herself almost’ (here a dark shade passed over Sir Charles + Lyndon’s countenance). ‘She is a weak woman. You shall see her, sir, HOW + weak she is; but she is my mistress. She has embittered my whole life. She + is a fool; but she has got the better of one of the best heads in + Christendom. She is enormously rich; but somehow I have never been so poor + as since I married her. I thought to better myself; and she has made me + miserable and killed me. And she will do as much for my successor, when I + am gone.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Has her Ladyship a very large income?’ said I. At which Sir Charles burst + out into a yelling laugh, and made me blush not a little at my gaucherie; + for the fact is, seeing him in the condition in which he was, I could not + help speculating upon the chance a man of spirit might have with his + widow. + </p> + <p> + ‘No, no!’ said he, laughing. ‘Waugh hawk, Mr. Barry; don’t think, if you + value your peace of mind, to stand in my shoes when they are vacant. + Besides, I don’t think my Lady Lyndon would QUITE condescend to marry a’—— + </p> + <p> + ‘Marry a what, sir?’ said I, in a rage. + </p> + <p> + “Never mind what: but the man who gets her will rue it, take my word on’t. + A plague on her! had it not been for my father’s ambition and mine (he was + her uncle and guardian, and we wouldn’t let such a prize out of the + family), I might have died peaceably, at least; carried my gout down to my + grave in quiet, lived in my modest tenement in Mayfair, had every house in + England open to me; and now, now I have six of my own, and every one of + them is a hell to me. Beware of greatness, Mr. Barry. Take warning by me. + Ever since I have been married and have been rich, I have been the most + miserable wretch in the world. Look at me. I am dying a worn-out cripple + at the age of fifty. Marriage has added forty years to my life. When I + took off Lady Lyndon, there was no man of my years who looked so young as + myself. Fool that I was! I had enough with my pensions, perfect freedom, + the best society in Europe; and I gave up all these, and married, and was + miserable. Take a warning by me, Captain Barry, and stick to the trumps.” + </p> + <p> + Though my intimacy with the knight was considerable, for a long time I + never penetrated into any other apartments of his hotel but those which he + himself occupied. His lady lived entirely apart from him; and it is only + curious how they came to travel together at all. She was a goddaughter of + old Mary Wortley Montagu: and, like that famous old woman of the last + century, made considerable pretensions to be a blue-stocking and a bel + esprit. Lady Lyndon wrote poems in English and Italian, which still may be + read by the curious in the pages of the magazines of the day. She + entertained a correspondence with several of the European savans upon + history, science, and ancient languages, and especially theology. Her + pleasure was to dispute controversial points with abbes and bishops; and + her flatterers said she rivalled Madam Dacier in learning. Every + adventurer who had a discovery in chemistry, a new antique bust, or a plan + for discovering the philosopher’s stone, was sure to find a patroness in + her. She had numberless works dedicated to her, and sonnets without end + addressed to her by all the poetasters of Europe, under the name of + Lindonira or Calista. Her rooms were crowded with hideous China magots, + and all sorts of objects of VERTU. + </p> + <p> + No woman piqued herself more upon her principles, or allowed love to be + made to her more profusely. There was a habit of courtship practised by + the fine gentlemen of those days, which is little understood in our coarse + downright times: and young and old fellows would pour out floods of + compliments in letters and madrigals, such as would make a sober lady + stare were they addressed to her nowadays: so entirely has the gallantry + of the last century disappeared out of our manners. + </p> + <p> + Lady Lyndon moved about with a little court of her own. She had + half-a-dozen carriages in her progresses. In her own she would travel with + her companion (some shabby lady of quality), her birds, and poodles, and + the favourite savant for the time being. In another would be her female + secretary and her waiting-women; who, in spite of their care, never could + make their mistress look much better than a slattern. Sir Charles Lyndon + had his own chariot, and the domestics of the establishment would follow + in other vehicles. + </p> + <p> + Also must be mentioned the carriage in which rode her Ladyship’s chaplain, + Mr. Runt, who acted in capacity of governor to her son, the little + Viscount Bullingdon,—a melancholy deserted little boy, about whom + his father was more than indifferent, and whom his mother never saw, + except for two minutes at her levee, when she would put to him a few + questions of history or Latin grammar; after which he was consigned to his + own amusements, or the care of his governor, for the rest of the day. + </p> + <p> + The notion of such a Minerva as this, whom I saw in the public places now + and then, surrounded by swarms of needy abbes and schoolmasters, who + flattered her, frightened me for some time, and I had not the least desire + to make her acquaintance. I had no desire to be one of the beggarly + adorers in the great lady’s train,—fellows, half friend, half + lacquey, who made verses, and wrote letters, and ran errands, content to + be paid by a seat in her Ladyship’s box at the comedy, or a cover at her + dinner-table at noon. ‘Don’t be afraid,’ Sir Charles Lyndon would say, + whose great subject of conversation and abuse was his lady: ‘my Lindonira + will have nothing to do with you. She likes the Tuscan brogue, not that of + Kerry. She says you smell too much of the stable to be admitted to ladies’ + society; and last Sunday fortnight, when she did me the honour to speak to + me last, said, “I wonder, Sir Charles Lyndon, a gentleman who has been the + King’s ambassador can demean himself by gambling and boozing with low + Irish blacklegs!” Don’t fly in a fury! I’m a cripple, and it was Lindonira + said it, not I.’ + </p> + <p> + This piqued me, and I resolved to become acquainted with Lady Lyndon; if + it were but to show her Ladyship that the descendant of those Barrys, + whose property she unjustly held, was not an unworthy companion for any + lady, were she ever so high. Besides, my friend the knight was dying: his + widow would be the richest prize in the three kingdoms. Why should I not + win her, and, with her, the means of making in the world that figure which + my genius and inclination desired? I felt I was equal in blood and + breeding to any Lyndon in Christendom, and determined to bend this haughty + lady. When I determine, I look upon the thing as done. + </p> + <p> + My uncle and I talked the matter over, and speedily settled upon a method + for making our approaches upon this stately lady of Castle Lyndon. Mr. + Runt, young Lord Bullingdon’s governor, was fond of pleasure, of a glass + of Rhenish in the garden-houses in the summer evenings, and of a sly throw + of the dice when the occasion offered; and I took care to make friends + with this person, who, being a college tutor and an Englishman, was ready + to go on his knees to any one who resembled a man of fashion. Seeing me + with my retinue of servants, my vis-a-vis and chariots, my valets, my + hussar, and horses, dressed in gold, and velvet, and sables, saluting the + greatest people in Europe as we met on the course, or at the Spas, Runt + was dazzled by my advances, and was mine by a beckoning of the finger. I + shall never forget the poor wretch’s astonishment when I asked him to + dine, with two counts, off gold plate, at the little room in the casino: + he was made happy by being allowed to win a few pieces of us, became + exceedingly tipsy, sang Cambridge songs, and recreated the company by + telling us, in his horrid Yorkshire French, stories about the gyps, and + all the lords that had ever been in his college. I encouraged him to come + and see me oftener, and bring with him his little viscount; for whom, + though the boy always detested me, I took care to have a good stock of + sweetmeats, toys, and picture-books when he came. + </p> + <p> + I then began to enter into a controversy with Mr. Runt, and confided to + him some doubts which I had, and a very very earnest leaning towards the + Church of Rome. I made a certain abbe whom I knew write me letters upon + transubstantiation, &c., which the honest tutor was rather puzzled to + answer. I knew that they would be communicated to his lady, as they were; + for, asking leave to attend the English service which was celebrated in + her apartments, and frequented by the best English then at the Spa, on the + second Sunday she condescended to look at me; on the third she was pleased + to reply to my profound bow by a curtsey; the next day I followed up the + acquaintance by another obeisance in the public walk; and, to make a long + story short, her Ladyship and I were in full correspondence on + transubstantiation before six weeks were over. My Lady came to the aid of + her chaplain; and then I began to see the prodigious weight of his + arguments: as was to be expected. The progress of this harmless little + intrigue need not be detailed. I make no doubt every one of my readers has + practised similar stratagems when a fair lady was in the case. + </p> + <p> + I shall never forget the astonishment of Sir Charles Lyndon when, on one + summer evening, as he was issuing out to the play-table in his + sedan-chair, according to his wont, her Ladyship’s barouche and four, with + her outriders in the tawny livery of the Lyndon family, came driving into + the courtyard of the house which they inhabited; and in that carriage, by + her Ladyship’s side, sat no other than the ‘vulgar Irish adventurer,’ as + she was pleased to call him: I mean Redmond Barry, Esquire. He made the + most courtly of his bows, and grinned and waved his hat in as graceful a + manner as the gout permitted; and her Ladyship and I replied to the + salutation with the utmost politeness and elegance on our parts. + </p> + <p> + I could not go to the play-table for some time afterwards for Lady Lyndon + and I had an argument on transubstantiation, which lasted for three hours; + in which she was, as usual, victorious, and, in which her companion, the + Honourable Miss Flint Skinner, fell asleep; but when, at last, I joined + Sir Charles at the casino, he received me with a yell of laughter, as his + wont was, and introduced me to all the company as Lady Lyndon’s + interesting young convert. This was his way. He laughed and sneered at + everything. He laughed when he was in a paroxysm of pain; he laughed when + he won money, or when he lost it: his laugh was not jovial or agreeable, + but rather painful and sardonic. + </p> + <p> + ‘Gentlemen,’ said he to Punter, Colonel Loder, Count du Carreau, and + several jovial fellows with whom he used to discuss a flask of champagne + and a Rhenish trout or two after play, ‘see this amiable youth! He has + been troubled by religious scruples, and has flown for refuge to my + chaplain, Mr. Runt, who has asked for advice from my wife, Lady Lyndon; + and, between them both, they are confirming my ingenious young friend in + his faith. Did you ever hear of such doctors, and such a disciple?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘’Faith, sir,’ said I, ‘if I want to learn good principles, it’s surely + better I should apply for them to your lady and your chaplain than to + you!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘He wants to step into my shoes!’ continued the knight. + </p> + <p> + ‘The man would be happy who did so,’ responded I, ‘provided there were no + chalk-stones included!’ At which reply Sir Charles was not very well + pleased, and went on with increased rancour. He was always free-spoken in + his cups; and, to say the truth, he was in his cups many more times in a + week than his doctors allowed. + </p> + <p> + ‘Is it not a pleasure, gentlemen,’ said he, ‘for me, as I am drawing near + the goal, to find my home such a happy one; my wife so fond of me, that + she is even now thinking of appointing a successor? (I don’t mean you + precisely, Mr. Barry; you are only taking your chance with a score of + others whom I could mention.) Isn’t it a comfort to see her, like a + prudent housewife, getting everything ready for her husband’s departure?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I hope you are not thinking of leaving us soon, knight?’ said I, with + perfect sincerity; for I liked him, as a most amusing companion. ‘Not so + soon, my dear, as you may fancy, perhaps,’ continued he. ‘Why, man, I have + been given over any time these four years; and there was always a + candidate or two waiting to apply for the situation. Who knows how long I + may keep you waiting?’ and he DID keep me waiting some little time longer + than at that period there was any reason to suspect. + </p> + <p> + As I declared myself pretty openly, according to my usual way, and authors + are accustomed to describe the persons of the ladies with whom their + heroes fall in love; in compliance with this fashion, I perhaps should say + a word or two respecting the charms of my Lady Lyndon. But though I + celebrated them in many copies of verses, of my own and other persons’ + writing; and though I filled reams of paper in the passionate style of + those days with compliments to every one of her beauties and smiles, in + which I compared her to every flower, goddess, or famous heroine ever + heard of,—truth compels me to say that there was nothing divine + about her at all. She was very well; but no more. Her shape was fine, her + hair dark, her eyes good, and exceedingly active; she loved singing, but + performed it as so great a lady should, very much out of tune. She had a + smattering of half-a-dozen modern languages, and, as I have said before, + of many more sciences than I even knew the names of. She piqued herself on + knowing Greek and Latin; but the truth is, that Mr. Runt, used to supply + her with the quotations which she introduced into her voluminous + correspondence. She had as much love of admiration, as strong, uneasy a + vanity, and as little heart, as any woman I ever knew. Otherwise, when her + son, Lord Bullingdon, on account of his differences with me, ran—but + that matter shall be told in its proper time. Finally, my Lady Lyndon was + about a year older than myself; though, of course, she would take her + Bible oath that she was three years younger. + </p> + <p> + Few men are so honest as I am; for few will own to their real motives, and + I don’t care a button about confessing mine. What Sir Charles Lyndon said + was perfectly true. I made the acquaintance of Lady Lyndon with ulterior + views. ‘Sir,’ said I to him, when, after the scene described and the jokes + he made upon me, we met alone, ‘let those laugh that win. You were very + pleasant upon me a few nights since, and on my intentions regarding your + lady. Well, if they ARE what you think they are,—if I DO wish to + step into your shoes, what then? I have no other intentions than you had + yourself. I’ll be sworn to muster just as much regard for my Lady Lyndon + as you ever showed her; and if I win her and wear her when you are dead + and gone, corbleu, knight, do you think it will be the fear of your ghost + will deter me?’ + </p> + <p> + Lyndon laughed as usual; but somewhat disconcertedly: indeed I had clearly + the best of him in the argument, and had just as much right to hunt my + fortune as he had. + </p> + <p> + But one day he said, ‘If you marry such a woman as my Lady Lyndon, mark my + words, you will regret it. You will pine after the liberty you once + enjoyed. By George! Captain Barry,’ he added, with a sigh, ‘the thing that + I regret most in life—perhaps it is because I am old, blase, and + dying—is, that I never had a virtuous attachment.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Ha! ha! a milkmaid’s daughter!’ said I, laughing at the absurdity. + </p> + <p> + ‘Well, why not a milkmaid’s daughter? My good fellow, I WAS in love in + youth, as most gentlemen are, with my tutor’s daughter, Helena, a bouncing + girl; of course older than myself’ (this made me remember my own little + love-passages with Nora Brady in the days of my early life), ‘and do you + know, sir, I heartily regret I didn’t marry her? There’s nothing like + having a virtuous drudge at home, sir; depend upon that. It gives a zest + to one’s enjoyments in the world, take my word for it. No man of sense + need restrict himself, or deny himself a single amusement for his wife’s + sake: on the contrary, if he select the animal properly, he will choose + such a one as shall be no bar to his pleasure, but a comfort in his hours + of annoyance. For instance, I have got the gout: who tends me? A hired + valet, who robs me whenever he has the power. My wife never comes near me. + What friend have I? None in the wide world. Men of the world, as you and I + are, don’t make friends; and we are fools for our pains. Get a friend, + sir, and that friend a woman—a good household drudge, who loves you. + THAT is the most precious sort of friendship; for the expense of it is all + on the woman’s side. The man needn’t contribute anything. If he’s a rogue, + she’ll vow he’s an angel; if he’s a brute, she will like him all the + better for his ill-treatment of her. They like it, sir, these women. They + are born to be our greatest comforts and conveniences; our—our moral + bootjacks, as it were; and to men in your way of life, believe me such a + person would be invaluable. I am only speaking for your bodily and mental + comfort’s sake, mind. Why didn’t I marry poor Helena Flower, the curate’s + daughter?’ + </p> + <p> + I thought these speeches the remarks of a weakly disappointed man; + although since, perhaps, I have had reason to find the truth of Sir + Charles Lyndon’s statements. The fact is, in my opinion, that we often buy + money very much too dear. To purchase a few thousands a year at the + expense of an odious wife, is very bad economy for a young fellow of any + talent and spirit; and there have been moments of my life when, in the + midst of my greatest splendour and opulence, with half-a-dozen lords at my + levee, with the finest horses in my stables, the grandest house over my + head, with unlimited credit at my banker’s, and—Lady Lyndon to boot, + I have wished myself back a private of Bulow’s, or anything, so as to get + rid of her. To return, however, to the story. Sir Charles, with his + complication of ills, was dying before us by inches! and I’ve no doubt it + could not have been very pleasant to him to see a young handsome fellow + paying court to his widow before his own face as it were. After I once got + into the house on the transubstantiation dispute, I found a dozen more + occasions to improve my intimacy, and was scarcely ever out of her + Ladyship’s doors. The world talked and blustered; but what cared I? The + men cried fie upon the shameless Irish adventurer; but I have told my way + of silencing such envious people: and my sword had by this time got such a + reputation through Europe, that few people cared to encounter it. If I can + once get my hold of a place, I keep it. Many’s the house I have been to + where I have seen the men avoid me. ‘Faugh! the low Irishman,’ they would + say. ‘Bah! the coarse adventurer!’ ‘Out on the insufferable blackleg and + puppy!’ and so forth. This hatred has been of no inconsiderable service to + me in the world; for when I fasten on a man, nothing can induce me to + release my hold: and I am left to myself, which is all the better. As I + told Lady Lyndon in those days, with perfect sincerity, ‘Calista’ (I used + to call her Calista in my correspondence)—’ Calista, I swear to + thee, by the spotlessness of thy own soul, by the brilliancy of thy + immitigable eyes, by everything pure and chaste in heaven and in thy own + heart, that I will never cease from following thee! Scorn I can bear, and + have borne at thy hands. Indifference I can surmount; ‘tis a rock which my + energy will climb over, a magnet which attracts the dauntless iron of my + soul!’ And it was true, I wouldn’t have left her—no, though they had + kicked me downstairs every day I presented myself at her door. + </p> + <p> + That is my way of fascinating women. Let the man who has to make his + fortune in life remember this maxim. ATTACKING is his only secret. Dare, + and the world always yields: or, if it beat you sometimes, dare again, and + it will succumb. In those days my spirit was so great, that if I had set + my heart upon marrying a princess of the blood, I would have had her! + </p> + <p> + I told Calista my story, and altered very very little of the truth. My + object was to frighten her: to show her that what I wanted, that I dared; + that what I dared, that I won; and there were striking passages enough in + my history to convince her of my iron will and indomitable courage. ‘Never + hope to escape me, madam,’ I would say: ‘offer to marry another man, and + he dies upon this sword, which never yet met its master. Fly from me, and + I will follow you, though it were to the gates of Hades.’ I promise you + this was very different language to that she had been in the habit of + hearing from her Jemmy-Jessamy adorers. You should have seen how I scared + the fellows from her. + </p> + <p> + When I said in this energetic way that I would follow Lady Lyndon across + the Styx if necessary, of course I meant that I would do so, provided + nothing more suitable presented itself in the interim. If Lyndon would not + die, where was the use of my pursuing the Countess? And somehow, towards + the end of the Spa season, very much to my mortification I do confess, the + knight made another rally: it seemed as if nothing would kill him. ‘I am + sorry for you, Captain Barry,’ he would say, laughing as usual. ‘I’m + grieved to keep you, or any gentleman, waiting. Had you not better arrange + with my doctor, or get the cook to flavour my omelette with arsenic? What + are the odds, gentlemen,’ he would add, ‘that I don’t live to see Captain + Barry hanged yet?’ + </p> + <p> + In fact, the doctors tinkered him up for a year. ‘It’s my usual luck,’ I + could not help saying to my uncle, who was my confidential and most + excellent adviser in all matters of the heart. ‘I’ve been wasting the + treasures of my affections upon that flirt of a countess, and here’s her + husband restored to health and likely to live I don’t know how many + years!’ And, as if to add to my mortification, there came just at this + period to Spa an English tallow-chandler’s heiress, with a plum to her + fortune; and Madame Cornu, the widow of a Norman cattle-dealer and + farmer-general, with a dropsy and two hundred thousand livres a year. + </p> + <p> + ‘What’s the use of my following the Lyndons to England,’ says I, ‘if the + knight won’t die?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Don’t follow them, my dear simple child,’ replied my uncle. ‘Stop here + and pay court to the new arrivals.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Yes, and lose Calista for ever, and the greatest estate in all England.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Pooh, pooh! youths like you easily fire and easily despond. Keep up a + correspondence with Lady Lyndon. You know there’s nothing she likes so + much. There’s the Irish abbe, who will write you the most charming letters + for a crown apiece. Let her go; write to her, and meanwhile look out for + anything else which may turn up. Who knows? you might marry the Norman + widow, bury her, take her money, and be ready for the Countess against the + knight’s death.’ + </p> + <p> + And so, with vows of the most profound respectful attachment, and having + given twenty louis to Lady Lyndon’s waiting-woman for a lock of her hair + (of which fact, of course, the woman informed her mistress), I took leave + of the Countess, when it became necessary for her return to her estates in + England; swearing I would follow her as soon as an affair of honour I had + on my hands could be brought to an end. + </p> + <p> + I shall pass over the events of the year that ensued before I again saw + her. She wrote to me according to promise; with much regularity at first, + with somewhat less frequency afterwards. My affairs, meanwhile, at the + play-table went on not unprosperously, and I was just on the point of + marrying the widow Cornu (we were at Brussels by this time, and the poor + soul was madly in love with me,) when the London Gazette was put into my + hands, and I read the following announcement:— + </p> + <p> + ‘Died at Castle-Lyndon, in the kingdom of Ireland, the Right Honourable + Sir Charles Lyndon, Knight of the Bath, member of Parliament for Lyndon in + Devonshire, and many years His Majesty’s representative at various + European Courts. He hath left behind him a name which is endeared to all + his friends for his manifold virtues and talents, a reputation justly + acquired in the service of His Majesty, and an inconsolable widow to + deplore his loss. Her Ladyship, the bereaved Countess of Lyndon, was at + the Bath when the horrid intelligence reached her of her husband’s demise, + and hastened to Ireland immediately in order to pay her last sad duties to + his beloved remains.’ + </p> + <p> + That very night I ordered my chariot and posted to Ostend, whence I + freighted a vessel to Dover, and travelling rapidly into the West, reached + Bristol; from which port I embarked for Waterford, and found myself, after + an absence of eleven years, in my native country. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0014" id="link2HCH0014"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIV. I RETURN TO IRELAND, AND EXHIBIT MY SPLENDOUR AND + </h2> + <p> + GENEROSITY IN THAT KINGDOM + </p> + <p> + How were times changed with me now! I had left my country a poor penniless + boy—a private soldier in a miserable marching regiment. I returned + an accomplished man, with property to the amount of five thousand guineas + in my possession, with a splendid wardrobe and jewel-case worth two + thousand more; having mingled in all the scenes of life a not + undistinguished actor in them; having shared in war and in love; having by + my own genius and energy won my way from poverty and obscurity to + competence and splendour. As I looked out from my chariot windows as it + rolled along over the bleak bare roads, by the miserable cabins of the + peasantry, who came out in their rags to stare as the splendid equipage + passed, and huzza’d for his Lordship’s honour as they saw the magnificent + stranger in the superb gilded vehicle, my huge body-servant Fritz lolling + behind with curling moustaches and long queue, his green livery barred + with silver lace, I could not help thinking of myself with considerable + complacency, and thanking my stars that had endowed me with so many good + qualities. But for my own merits I should have been a raw Irish squireen + such as those I saw swaggering about the wretched towns through which my + chariot passed on its road to Dublin. I might have married Nora Brady (and + though, thank Heaven, I did not, I have never thought of that girl but + with kindness, and even remember the bitterness of losing her more clearly + at this moment than any other incident of my life); I might have been the + father of ten children by this time, or a farmer on my own account, or an + agent to a squire, or a gauger, or an attorney; and here I was one of the + most famous gentlemen of Europe! I bade my fellow get a bag of copper + money and throw it among the crowd as we changed horses; and I warrant me + there was as much shouting set up in praise of my honour as if my Lord + Townshend, the Lord Lieutenant himself, had been passing. + </p> + <p> + My second day’s journey—for the Irish roads were rough in those + days, and the progress of a gentleman’s chariot terribly slow—brought + me to Carlow, where I put up at the very inn which I had used eleven years + back, when flying from home after the supposed murder of Quin in the duel. + How well I remember every moment of the scene! The old landlord was gone + who had served me; the inn that I then thought so comfortable looked + wretched and dismantled; but the claret was as good as in the old days, + and I had the host to partake of a jug of it and hear the news of the + country. + </p> + <p> + He was as communicative as hosts usually are: the crops and the markets, + the price of beasts at last Castle Dermot fair, the last story about the + vicar, and the last joke of Father Hogan the priest; how the Whiteboys had + burned Squire Scanlan’s ricks, and the highwaymen had been beaten off in + their attack upon Sir Thomas’s house; who was to hunt the Kilkenny hounds + next season, and the wonderful run entirely they had last March; what + troops were in the town, and how Miss Biddy Toole had run off with Ensign + Mullins: all the news of sport, assize, and quarter-sessions were detailed + by this worthy chronicler of small-beer, who wondered that my honour + hadn’t heard of them in England, or in foreign parts, where he seemed to + think the world was as interested as he was about the doings of Kilkenny + and Carlow. I listened to these tales with, I own, a considerable + pleasure; for every now and then a name would come up in the conversation + which I remembered in old days, and bring with it a hundred associations + connected with them. + </p> + <p> + I had received many letters from my mother, which informed me of the + doings of the Brady’s Town family. My uncle was dead, and Mick, his eldest + son, had followed him too to the grave. The Brady girls had separated from + their paternal roof as soon as their elder brother came to rule over it. + Some were married, some gone to settle with their odious old mother in + out-of-the-way watering-places. Ulick, though he had succeeded to the + estate, had come in for a bankrupt property, and Castle Brady was now + inhabited only by the bats and owls, and the old gamekeeper. My mother, + Mrs. Harry Barry, had gone to live at Bray, to sit under Mr. Jowls, her + favourite preacher, who had a chapel there; and, finally, the landlord + told me, that Mrs. Barry’s son had gone to foreign parts, enlisted in the + Prussian service, and had been shot there as a deserter. + </p> + <p> + I don’t care to own that I hired a stout nag from the landlord’s stable + after dinner, and rode back at nightfall twenty miles to my old home. My + heart beat to see it. Barryville had got a pestle and mortar over the + door, and was called ‘The Esculapian Repository,’ by Doctor Macshane; a + red-headed lad was spreading a plaster in the old parlour; the little + window of my room, once so neat and bright, was cracked in many places, + and stuffed with rags here and there; the flowers had disappeared from the + trim garden-beds which my good orderly mother tended. In the churchyard + there were two more names put into the stone over the family vault of the + Bradys: they were those of my cousin, for whom my regard was small, and my + uncle, whom I had always loved. I asked my old companion the blacksmith, + who had beaten me so often in old days, to give my horse a feed and a + litter: he was a worn weary-looking man now, with a dozen dirty ragged + children paddling about his smithy, and had no recollection of the fine + gentleman who stood before him. I did not seek to recall my-self to his + memory till the next day, when I put ten guineas into his hand, and bade + him drink the health of English Redmond. + </p> + <p> + As for Castle Brady, the gates of the park were still there; but the old + trees were cut down in the avenue, a black stump jutting out here and + there, and casting long shadows as I passed in the moonlight over the worn + grass-grown old road. A few cows were at pasture there. The garden-gate + was gone, and the place a tangled wilderness. I sat down on the old bench, + where I had sat on the day when Nora jilted me; and I do believe my + feelings were as strong then as they had been when I was a boy, eleven + years before; and I caught myself almost crying again, to think that Nora + Brady had deserted me. I believe a man forgets nothing. I’ve seen a + flower, or heard some trivial word or two, which have awakened + recollections that somehow had lain dormant for scores of years; and when + I entered the house in Clarges Street, where I was born (it was used as a + gambling-house when I first visited London), all of a sudden the memory of + my childhood came back to me—of my actual infancy: I recollected my + father in green and gold, holding me up to look at a gilt coach which + stood at the door, and my mother in a flowered sack, with patches on her + face. Some day, I wonder, will everything we have seen and thought and + done come and flash across our minds in this way? I had rather not. I felt + so as I sat upon the bench at Castle Brady, and thought of the bygone + times. + </p> + <p> + The hall-door was open—it was always so at that house; the moon was + flaring in at the long old windows, and throwing ghastly chequers upon the + floors; and the stars were looking in on the other side, in the blue of + the yawning window over the great stair: from it you could see the old + stable-clock, with the letters glistening on it still. There had been + jolly horses in those stables once; and I could see my uncle’s honest + face, and hear him talking to his dogs as they came jumping and whining + and barking round about him of a gay winter morning. We used to mount + there; and the girls looked out at us from the hall-window, where I stood + and looked at the sad, mouldy, lonely old place. There was a red light + shining through the crevices of a door at one corner of the building, and + a dog presently came out baying loudly, and a limping man followed with a + fowling-piece. + </p> + <p> + ‘Who’s there?’ said the old man. + </p> + <p> + ‘PHIL PURCELL, don’t you know me?’ shouted I; ‘it’s Redmond Barry.’ + </p> + <p> + I thought the old man would have fired his piece at me at first, for he + pointed it at the window; but I called to him to hold his hand, and came + down and embraced him.... Psha! I don’t care to tell the rest: Phil and I + had a long night, and talked over a thousand foolish old things that have + no interest for any soul alive now: for what soul is there alive that + cares for Barry Lyndon? + </p> + <p> + I settled a hundred guineas on the old man when I got to Dublin, and made + him an annuity which enabled him to pass his old days in comfort. + </p> + <p> + Poor Phil Purcell was amusing himself at a game of exceedingly dirty cards + with an old acquaintance of mine; no other than Tim, who was called my + ‘valet’ in the days of yore, and whom the reader may remember as clad in + my father’s old liveries. They used to hang about him in those times, and + lap over his wrists and down to his heels; but Tim, though he protested he + had nigh killed himself with grief when I went away, had managed to grow + enormously fat in my absence, and would have fitted almost into Daniel + Lambert’s coat, or that of the vicar of Castle Brady, whom he served in + the capacity of clerk. I would have engaged the fellow in my service but + for his monstrous size, which rendered him quite unfit to be the attendant + of any gentleman of condition; and so I presented him with a handsome + gratuity, and promised to stand godfather to his next child: the eleventh + since my absence. There is no country in the world where the work of + multiplying is carried on so prosperously as in my native island. Mr. Tim + had married the girls’ waiting-maid, who had been a kind friend of mine in + the early times; and I had to go salute poor Molly next day, and found her + a slatternly wench in a mud hut, surrounded by a brood of children almost + as ragged as those of my friend the blacksmith. + </p> + <p> + From Tim and Phil Purcell, thus met fortuitously together, I got the very + last news respecting my family. My mother was well. + </p> + <p> + ‘’Faith sir,’ says Tim, ‘and you’re come in time, mayhap, for preventing + an addition to your family.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Sir!’ exclaimed I, in a fit of indignation. + </p> + <p> + ‘In the shape of father-in-law, I mane, sir,’ says Tim: ‘the misthress is + going to take on with Mister Jowls the praacher.’ + </p> + <p> + Poor Nora, he added, had made many additions to the illustrious race of + Quin; and my cousin Ulick was in Dublin, coming to little good, both my + informants feared, and having managed to run through the small available + remains of property which my good old uncle had left behind him. + </p> + <p> + I saw I should have no small family to provide for; and then, to conclude + the evening, Phil, Tim, and I, had a bottle of usquebaugh, the taste of + which I had remembered for eleven good years, and did not part except with + the warmest terms of fellowship, and until the sun had been some time in + the sky. I am exceedingly affable; that has always been one of my + characteristics. I have no false pride, as many men of high lineage like + my own have, and, in default of better company, will hob and nob with a + ploughboy or a private soldier just as readily as with the first noble in + the land. + </p> + <p> + I went back to the village in the morning, and found a pretext for + visiting Barryville under a device of purchasing drugs. The hooks were + still in the wall where my silver-hiked sword used to hang; a blister was + lying on the window-sill, where my mother’s ‘Whole Duty of Man’ had its + place; and the odious Doctor Macshane had found out who I was (my + countrymen find out everything, and a great deal more besides), and + sniggering, asked me how I left the King of Prussia, and whether my friend + the Emperor Joseph was as much liked as the Empress Maria Theresa had + been. The bell-ringers would have had a ring of bells for me, but there + was but one, Tim, who was too fat to pull; and I rode off before the + vicar, Doctor Bolter (who had succeeded old Mr. Texter, who had the living + in my time), had time to come out to compliment me; but the rapscallions + of the beggarly village had assembled in a dirty army to welcome me, and + cheered ‘Hurrah for Masther Redmond!’ as I rode away. + </p> + <p> + My people were not a little anxious regarding me, by the time I returned + to Carlow, and the landlord was very much afraid, he said, that the + highwaymen had gotten hold of me. There, too, my name and station had been + learned from my servant Fritz: who had not spared his praises of his + master, and had invented some magnificent histories concerning me. He said + it was the truth that I was intimate with half the sovereigns of Europe, + and the prime favourite with most of them. Indeed I had made my uncle’s + order of the Spur hereditary, and travelled under the name of the + Chevalier Barry, chamberlain to the Duke of Hohenzollern-Sigmaringen. + </p> + <p> + They gave me the best horses the stable possessed to carry me on my road + to Dublin, and the strongest ropes for harness; and we got on pretty well, + and there was no rencontre between the highwaymen and the pistols with + which Fritz and I were provided. We lay that night at Kilcullen, and the + next day I made my entry into the city of Dublin, with four horses to my + carriage, five thousand guineas in my purse, and one of the most brilliant + reputations in Europe, having quitted the city a beggarly boy, eleven + years before. + </p> + <p> + The citizens of Dublin have as great and laudable a desire for knowing + their neighbours’ concerns as the country people have; and it is + impossible for a gentleman, however modest his desires may be (and such + mine have notoriously been through life), to enter the capital without + having his name printed in every newspaper and mentioned in a number of + societies. My name and titles were all over the town the day after my + arrival. A great number of polite persons did me the honour to call at my + lodgings, when I selected them; and this was a point very necessarily of + immediate care, for the hotels in the town were but vulgar holes, unfit + for a nobleman of my fashion and elegance. I had been informed of the fact + by travellers on the Continent; and determining to fix on a lodging at + once, I bade the drivers go slowly up and down the streets with my + chariot, until I had selected a place suitable to my rank. This + proceeding, and the uncouth questions and behaviour of my German Fritz, + who was instructed to make inquiries at the different houses until + convenient apartments could be lighted upon, brought an immense mob round + my coach; and by the time the rooms were chosen you might have supposed I + was the new General of the Forces, so great was the multitude following + us. + </p> + <p> + I fixed at length upon a handsome suite of apartments in Capel Street, + paid the ragged postilions who had driven me a splendid gratuity, and + establishing myself in the rooms with my baggage and Fritz, desired the + landlord to engage me a second fellow to wear my liveries, a couple of + stout reputable chairmen and their machine, and a coachman who had + handsome job-horses to hire for my chariot, and serviceable riding-horses + to sell. I gave him a handsome sum in advance; and I promise you the + effect of my advertisement was such, that next day I had a regular levee + in my antechamber: grooms, valets, and maitres-d’hotel offered themselves + without number; I had proposals for the purchase of horses sufficient to + mount a regiment, both from dealers and gentlemen of the first fashion. + Sir Lawler Gawler came to propose to me the most elegant bay-mare ever + stepped; my Lord Dundoodle had a team of four that wouldn’t disgrace my + friend the Emperor; and the Marquess of Ballyragget sent his gentleman and + his compliments, stating that if I would step up to his stables, or do him + the honour of breakfasting with him previously, he would show me the two + finest greys in Europe. I determined to accept the invitations of + Dundoodle and Ballyragget, but to purchase my horses from the dealers. It + is always the best way. Besides, in those days, in Ireland, if a gentleman + warranted his horse, and it was not sound, or a dispute arose, the remedy + you had was the offer of a bullet in your waistcoat. I had played at the + bullet game too much in earnest to make use of it heedlessly: and I may + say, proudly for myself, that I never engaged in a duel unless I had a + real, available, and prudent reason for it. + </p> + <p> + There was a simplicity about this Irish gentry which amused and made me + wonder. If they tell more fibs than their downright neighbours across the + water, on the other hand they believe more; and I made myself in a single + week such a reputation in Dublin as would take a man ten years and a mint + of money to acquire in London. I had won five hundred thousand pounds at + play; I was the favourite of the Empress Catherine of Russia; the + confidential agent of Frederick of Prussia; it was I won the battle of + Hochkirchen; I was the cousin of Madame Du Barry, the French King’s + favourite, and a thousand things beside. Indeed, to tell the truth, I + hinted a number of these stories to my kind friends Ballyragget and + Gawler; and they were not slow to improve the hints I gave them. + </p> + <p> + After having witnessed the splendours of civilised life abroad, the sight + of Dublin in the year 1771, when I returned thither, struck me with + anything but respect. It was as savage as Warsaw almost, without the regal + grandeur of the latter city. The people looked more ragged than any race I + have ever seen, except the gipsy hordes along the banks of the Danube. + There was, as I have said, not an inn in the town fit for a gentleman of + condition to dwell in. Those luckless fellows who could not keep a + carriage, and walked the streets at night, ran imminent risks of the + knives of the women and ruffians who lay in wait there,—of a set of + ragged savage villains, who neither knew the use of shoe nor razor; and as + a gentleman entered his chair or his chariot, to be carried to his evening + rout, or the play, the flambeaux of the footmen would light up such a set + of wild gibbering Milesian faces as would frighten a genteel person of + average nerves. I was luckily endowed with strong ones; besides, had seen + my amiable countrymen before. + </p> + <p> + I know this description of them will excite anger among some Irish + patriots, who don’t like to have the nakedness of our land abused, and are + angry if the whole truth be told concerning it. But bah! it was a poor + provincial place, Dublin, in the old days of which I speak; and many a + tenth-rate German residency is more genteel. There were, it is true, near + three hundred resident Peers at the period; and a House of Commons; and my + Lord Mayor and his corporation; and a roystering noisy University, whereof + the students made no small disturbances nightly, patronised the + roundhouse, ducked obnoxious printers and tradesmen, and gave the law at + the Crow Street Theatre. But I had seen too much of the first society of + Europe to be much tempted by the society of these noisy gentry, and was a + little too much of a gentleman to mingle with the disputes and politics of + my Lord Mayor and his Aldermen. In the House of Commons there were some + dozen of right pleasant fellows. I never heard in the English Parliament + better speeches than from Flood, and Daly, of Galway. Dick Sheridan, + though not a well-bred person, was as amusing and ingenious a + table-companion as ever I met; and though during Mr. Edmund Burke’s + interminable speeches in the English House I used always to go to sleep, I + yet have heard from well-informed parties that Mr. Burke was a person of + considerable abilities, and even reputed to be eloquent in his more + favourable moments. + </p> + <p> + I soon began to enjoy to the full extent the pleasures that the wretched + place affords, and which were within a gentleman’s reach: Ranelagh and the + Ridotto; Mr. Mossop, at Crow Street; my Lord Lieutenant’s parties, where + there was a great deal too much boozing, and too little play, to suit a + person of my elegant and refined habits. ‘Daly’s Coffee-house,’ and the + houses of the nobility, were soon open to me; and I remarked with + astonishment in the higher circles, what I had experienced in the lower on + my first unhappy visit to Dublin, an extraordinary want of money, and a + preposterous deal of promissory notes flying about, for which I was quite + unwilling to stake my guineas. The ladies, too, were mad for play; but + exceeding unwilling to pay when they lost. Thus, when the old Countess of + Trumpington lost ten pieces to me at quadrille, she gave me, instead of + the money, her Ladyship’s note of hand on her agent in Galway; which I + put, with a great deal of politeness, into the candle. But when the + Countess made me a second proposition to play, I said that as soon as her + Ladyship’s remittances were arrived, I would be the readiest person to + meet her; but till then was her very humble servant. And I maintained this + resolution and singular character throughout the Dublin society: giving + out at ‘Daly’s’ that I was ready to play any man, for any sum, at any + game; or to fence with him, or to ride with him (regard being had to our + weight), or to shoot flying, or at a mark; and in this latter + accomplishment, especially if the mark be a live one, Irish gentlemen of + that day had no ordinary skill. + </p> + <p> + Of course I despatched a courier in my liveries to Castle Lyndon with a + private letter for Runt, demanding from him full particulars of the + Countess of Lyndon’s state of health and mind; and a touching and eloquent + letter to her Ladyship, in which I bade her remember ancient days, which I + tied up with a single hair from the lock which I had purchased from her + woman, and in which I told her that Sylvander remembered his oath, and + could never forget his Calista. The answer I received from her was + exceedingly unsatisfactory and inexplicit; that from Mr. Runt explicit + enough, but not at all pleasant in its contents. My Lord George Poynings, + the Marquess of Tiptoff’s younger son, was paying very marked addresses to + the widow; being a kinsman of the family, and having been called to + Ireland relative to the will of the deceased Sir Charles Lyndon. + </p> + <p> + Now, there was a sort of rough-and-ready law in Ireland in those days, + which was of great convenience to persons desirous of expeditious justice; + and of which the newspapers of the time contain a hundred proofs. Fellows + with the nicknames of Captain Fireball, Lieutenant Buffcoat, and Ensign + Steele, were repeatedly sending warning letters to landlords, and + murdering them if the notes were unattended to. The celebrated Captain + Thunder ruled in the southern counties, and his business seemed to be to + procure wives for gentlemen who had not sufficient means to please the + parents of the young ladies; or, perhaps, had not time for a long and + intricate courtship. + </p> + <p> + I had found my cousin Ulick at Dublin, grown very fat, and very poor; + hunted up by Jews and creditors: dwelling in all sorts of queer corners, + from which he issued at nightfall to the Castle, or to his card-party at + his tavern; but he was always the courageous fellow: and I hinted to him + the state of my affections regarding Lady Lyndon. + </p> + <p> + ‘The Countess of Lyndon!’ said poor Ulick; ‘well, that IS a wonder. I + myself have been mightily sweet upon a young lady, one of the Kiljoys of + Ballyhack, who has ten thousand pounds to her fortune, and to whom her + Ladyship is guardian; but how is a poor fellow without a coat to his back + to get on with an heiress in such company as that? I might as well propose + for the Countess myself.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘You had better not,’ said I, laughing; ‘the man who tries runs a chance + of going out of the world first.’ And I explained to him my own intention + regarding Lady Lyndon. Honest Ulick, whose respect for me was prodigious + when he saw how splendid my appearance was, and heard how wonderful my + adventures and great my experience of fashionable life had been, was lost + in admiration of my daring and energy, when I confided to him my intention + of marrying the greatest heiress in England. + </p> + <p> + I bade Ulick go out of town on any pretext he chose, and put a letter into + a post-office near Castle Lyndon, which I prepared in a feigned hand, and + in which I gave a solemn warning to Lord George Poynings to quit the + country; saying that the great prize was never meant for the likes of him, + and that there were heiresses enough in England, without coming to rob + them out of the domains of Captain Fireball. The letter was written on a + dirty piece of paper, in the worst of spelling: it came to my Lord by the + post-conveyance, and, being a high-spirited young man, he of course + laughed at it. + </p> + <p> + As ill-luck would have it for him, he appeared in Dublin a very short time + afterwards; was introduced to the Chevalier Redmond Barry, at the Lord + Lieutenant’s table; adjourned with him and several other gentlemen to the + club at ‘Daly’s,’ and there, in a dispute about the pedigree of a horse, + in which everybody said I was in the right, words arose, and a meeting was + the consequence. I had had no affair in Dublin since my arrival, and + people were anxious to see whether I was equal to my reputation. I make no + boast about these matters, but always do them when the time comes; and + poor Lord George, who had a neat hand and a quick eye enough, but was bred + in the clumsy English school, only stood before my point until I had + determined where I should hit him. + </p> + <p> + My sword went in under his guard, and came out at his back. When he fell, + he good-naturedly extended his hand to me, and said, ‘Mr. Barry, I was + wrong!’ I felt not very well at ease when the poor fellow made this + confession: for the dispute had been of my making, and, to tell the truth, + I had never intended it should end in any other way than a meeting. + </p> + <p> + He lay on his bed for four months with the effects of that wound; and the + same post which conveyed to Lady Lyndon the news of the duel, carried her + a message from Captain Fireball to say, ‘This is NUMBER ONE!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘You, Ulick,’ said I, ‘shall be NUMBER TWO.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘’Faith,’ said my cousin, ‘one’s enough:’ But I had my plan regarding him, + and determined at once to benefit this honest fellow, and to forward my + own designs upon the widow. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0015" id="link2HCH0015"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XV. I PAY COURT TO MY LADY LYNDON + </h2> + <p> + As my uncle’s attainder was not reversed for being out with the Pretender + in 1745, it would have been inconvenient for him to accompany his nephew + to the land of our ancestors; where, if not hanging, at least a tedious + process of imprisonment, and a doubtful pardon, would have awaited the + good old gentleman. In any important crisis of my life, his advice was + always of advantage to me, and I did not fail to seek it at this juncture, + and to implore his counsel as regarded my pursuit of the widow. I told him + the situation of her heart, as I have described it in the last chapter; of + the progress that young Poynings had made in her affections, and of her + forgetfulness of her old admirer; and I got a letter, in reply, full of + excellent suggestions, by which I did not fail to profit. The kind + Chevalier prefaced it by saying, that he was for the present boarding in + the Minorite convent at Brussels; that he had thoughts of making his salut + there, and retiring for ever from the world, devoting himself to the + severest practices of religion. Meanwhile he wrote with regard to the + lovely widow: it was natural that a person of her vast wealth and not + disagreeable person should have many adorers about her; and that, as in + her husband’s lifetime she had shown herself not at all disinclined to + receive my addresses, I must make no manner of doubt I was not the first + person whom she had so favoured; nor was I likely to be the last. + </p> + <p> + ‘I would, my dear child,’ he added, ‘that the ugly attainder round my + neck, and the resolution I have formed of retiring from a world of sin and + vanity altogether, did not prevent me from coming personally to your aid + in this delicate crisis of your affairs; for, to lead them to a good end, + it requires not only the indomitable courage, swagger, and audacity, which + you possess beyond any young man I have ever known’ (as for the ‘swagger,’ + as the Chevalier calls it, I deny it in toto, being always most modest in + my demeanour); ‘but though you have the vigour to execute, you have not + the ingenuity to suggest plans of conduct for the following out of a + scheme that is likely to be long and difficult of execution. Would you + have ever thought of the brilliant scheme of the Countess Ida, which so + nearly made you the greatest fortune in Europe, but for the advice and + experience of a poor old man, now making up his accounts with the world, + and about to retire from it for good and all? + </p> + <p> + ‘Well, with regard to the Countess of Lyndon, your manner of winning her + is quite en l’air at present to me; nor can I advise day by day, as I + would I could, according to circumstances as they arise. But your general + scheme should be this. If I remember the letters you used to have from her + during the period of the correspondence which the silly woman entertained + you with, much high-flown sentiment passed between you; and especially was + written by her Ladyship herself: she is a blue-stocking, and fond of + writing; she used to make her griefs with her husband the continual theme + of her correspondence (as women will do). I recollect several passages in + her letters bitterly deploring her fate in being united to one so unworthy + of her. + </p> + <p> + ‘Surely, in the mass of billets you possess from her, there must be enough + to compromise her. Look them well over; select passages, and threaten to + do so. Write to her at first in the undoubting tone of a lover who has + every claim upon her. Then, if she is silent, remonstrate, alluding to + former promises from her; producing proofs of her former regard for you; + vowing despair, destruction, revenge, if she prove unfaithful. Frighten + her—astonish her by some daring feat, which will let her see your + indomitable resolution: you are the man to do it. Your sword has a + reputation in Europe, and you have a character for boldness; which was the + first thing that caused my Lady Lyndon to turn her eyes upon you. Make the + people talk about you at Dublin. Be as splendid, and as brave, and as odd + as possible. How I wish I were near you! You have no imagination to invent + such a character as I would make for you—but why speak; have I not + had enough of the world and its vanities?’ + </p> + <p> + There was much practical good sense in this advice; which I quote, + unaccompanied with the lengthened description of his mortifications and + devotions which my uncle indulged in, finishing his letter, as usual, with + earnest prayers for my conversion to the true faith. But he was constant + to his form of worship; and I, as a man of honour and principle, was + resolute to mine; and have no doubt that the one, in this respect, will be + as acceptable as the other. + </p> + <p> + Under these directions it was, then, I wrote to Lady Lyndon, to ask on my + arrival when the most respectful of her admirers might be permitted to + intrude upon her grief? Then, as her Ladyship was silent, I demanded, Had + she forgotten old times, and one whom she had favoured with her intimacy + at a very happy period? Had Calista forgotten Eugenio? At the same time I + sent down by my servant with this letter a present of a little sword for + Lord Bullingdon, and a private note to his governor; whose note of hand, + by the way, I possessed for a sum—I forget what—but such as + the poor fellow would have been very unwilling to pay. To this an answer + came from her Ladyship’s amanuensis, stating that Lady Lyndon was too much + disturbed by grief at her recent dreadful calamity to see any one but her + own relations; and advices from my friend, the boy’s governor, stating + that my Lord George Poynings was the young kinsman who was about to + console her. + </p> + <p> + This caused the quarrel between me and the young nobleman; whom I took + care to challenge on his first arrival at Dublin. + </p> + <p> + When the news of the duel was brought to the widow at Castle Lyndon, my + informant wrote me that Lady Lyndon shrieked and flung down the journal, + and said, ‘The horrible monster! He would not shrink from murder, I + believe;’ and little Lord Bullingdon, drawing his sword—the sword I + had given him, the rascal!—declared he would kill with it the man + who had hurt Cousin George. On Mr. Runt telling him that I was the donor + of the weapon, the little rogue still vowed that he would kill me all the + same! Indeed, in spite of my kindness to him, that boy always seemed to + detest me. + </p> + <p> + Her Ladyship sent up daily couriers to inquire after the health of Lord + George; and, thinking to myself that she would probably be induced to come + to Dublin if she were to hear that he was in danger, I managed to have her + informed that he was in a precarious state; that he grew worse; that + Redmond Barry had fled in consequence: of this flight I caused the Mercury + newspaper to give notice also, but indeed it did not carry me beyond the + town of Bray, where my poor mother dwelt; and where, under the + difficulties of a duel, I might be sure of having a welcome. + </p> + <p> + Those readers who have the sentiment of filial duty strong in their mind, + will wonder that I have not yet described my interview with that kind + mother whose sacrifices for me in youth had been so considerable, and for + whom a man of my warm and affectionate nature could not but feel the most + enduring and sincere regard. + </p> + <p> + But a man, moving in the exalted sphere of society in which I now stood, + has his public duties to perform before he consults his private + affections; and so, upon my first arrival, I despatched a messenger to + Mrs. Barry, stating my arrival, conveying to her my sentiments of respect + and duty, and promising to pay them to her personally so soon as my + business in Dublin would leave me free. + </p> + <p> + This, I need not say, was very considerable. I had my horses to buy, my + establishment to arrange, my entree into the genteel world to make; and, + having announced my intention to purchase horses and live in a genteel + style, was in a couple of days so pestered by visits of the nobility and + gentry, and so hampered by invitations to dinners and suppers, that it + became exceedingly difficult for me during some days to manage my + anxiously desired visit to Mrs. Barry. + </p> + <p> + It appears that the good soul provided an entertainment as soon as she + heard of my arrival, and invited all her humble acquaintances of Bray to + be present: but I was engaged subsequently to my Lord Ballyragget on the + day appointed, and was, of course, obliged to break the promise that I had + made to Mrs. Barry to attend her humble festival. + </p> + <p> + I endeavoured to sweeten the disappointment by sending my mother a + handsome satin sack and velvet robe, which I purchased for her at the best + mercers in Dublin (and indeed told her I had brought from Paris expressly + for her); but the messenger whom I despatched with the presents brought + back the parcels, with the piece of satin torn half way up the middle: and + I did not need his descriptions to be aware that something had offended + the good lady; who came out, he said, and abused him at the door, and + would have boxed his cars, but that she was restrained by a gentleman in + black; who I concluded, with justice, was her clerical friend Mr. Jowls. + </p> + <p> + This reception of my presents made me rather dread than hope for an + interview with Mrs. Barry, and delayed my visit to her for some days + further. I wrote her a dutiful and soothing letter, to which there was no + answer returned; although I mentioned that on my way to the capital I had + been at Barryville, and revisited the old haunts of my youth. + </p> + <p> + I don’t care to own that she is the only human being whom I am afraid to + face. I can recollect her fits of anger as a child, and the + reconciliations, which used to be still more violent and painful: and so, + instead of going myself, I sent my factotum, Ulick Brady, to her; who rode + back, saying that he had met with a reception he would not again undergo + for twenty guineas; that he had been dismissed the house, with strict + injunctions to inform me that my mother disowned me for ever. This + parental anathema, as it were, affected me much, for I was always the most + dutiful of sons; and I determined to go as soon as possible, and brave + what I knew must be an inevitable scene of reproach and anger, for the + sake, as I hoped, of as certain a reconciliation. + </p> + <p> + I had been giving one night an entertainment to some of the genteelest + company in Dublin, and was showing my Lord Marquess downstairs with a pair + of wax tapers, when I found a woman in a grey coat seated at my doorsteps: + to whom, taking her for a beggar, I tendered a piece of money, and whom my + noble friends, who were rather hot with wine, began to joke, as my door + closed and I bade them all good-night. + </p> + <p> + I was rather surprised and affected to find afterwards that the hooded + woman was no other than my mother; whose pride had made her vow that she + would not enter my doors, but whose natural maternal yearnings had made + her long to see her son’s face once again, and who had thus planted + herself in disguise at my gate. Indeed, I have found in my experience that + these are the only women who never deceive a man, and whose affection + remains constant through all trials. Think of the hours that the kind soul + must have passed, lonely in the street, listening to the din and merriment + within my apartments, the clinking of the glasses, the laughing, the + choruses, and the cheering. + </p> + <p> + When my affair with Lord George happened, and it became necessary to me, + for the reasons I have stated, to be out of the way; now, thought I, is + the time to make my peace with my good mother: she will never refuse me an + asylum now that I seem in distress. So sending to her a notice that I was + coming, that I had had a duel which had brought me into trouble, and + required I should go into hiding, I followed my messenger half-an-hour + afterwards: and, I warrant me, there was no want of a good reception, for + presently, being introduced into an empty room by the barefooted maid who + waited upon Mrs. Barry, the door was opened, and the poor mother flung + herself into my arms with a scream, and with transports of joy which I + shall not attempt to describe—they are but to be comprehended by + women who have held in their arms an only child after a twelve years’ + absence from him. + </p> + <p> + The Reverend Mr. Jowls, my mother’s director, was the only person to whom + the door of her habitation was opened during my sojourn; and he would take + no denial. He mixed for himself a glass of rum-punch, which he seemed in + the habit of drinking at my good mother’s charge, groaned aloud, and + forthwith began reading me a lecture upon the sinfulness of my past + courses, and especially of the last horrible action I had been committing. + </p> + <p> + ‘Sinful!’ said my mother, bristling up when her son was attacked; ‘sure + we’re all sinners; and it’s you, Mr. Jowls, who have given me the + inexpressible blessing to let me know THAT. But how else would you have + had the poor child behave?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I would have had the gentleman avoid the drink, and the quarrel, and this + wicked duel altogether,’ answered the clergyman. + </p> + <p> + But my mother cut him short, by saying such sort of conduct might be very + well in a person of his cloth and his birth, but it neither became a Brady + nor a Barry. In fact, she was quite delighted with the thought that I had + pinked an English marquis’s son in a duel; and so, to console her, I told + her of a score more in which I had been engaged, and of some of which I + have already informed the reader. + </p> + <p> + As my late antagonist was in no sort of danger when I spread that report + of his perilous situation, there was no particular call that my hiding + should be very close. But the widow did not know the fact as well as I + did: and caused her house to be barricaded, and Becky, her barefooted + serving-wench, to be a perpetual sentinel to give alarm, lest the officers + should be in search of me. + </p> + <p> + The only person I expected, however, was my cousin Ulick, who was to bring + me the welcome intelligence of Lady Lyndon’s arrival; and I own, after two + days’ close confinement at Bray, in which I narrated all the adventures of + my life to my mother, and succeeded in making her accept the dresses she + had formerly refused, and a considerable addition to her income which I + was glad to make, I was very glad when I saw that reprobate Ulick Brady, + as my mother called him, ride up to the door in my carriage with the + welcome intelligence for my mother, that the young lord was out of danger; + and for me, that the Countess of Lyndon had arrived in Dublin. + </p> + <p> + ‘And I wish, Redmond, that the young gentleman had been in danger a little + longer,’ said the widow, her eyes filling with tears, ‘and you’d have + stayed so much the more with your poor old mother.’ But I dried her tears, + embracing her warmly, and promised to see her often; and hinted I would + have, mayhap, a house of my own and a noble daughter to welcome her. + </p> + <p> + ‘Who is she, Redmond dear?’ said the old lady. + </p> + <p> + ‘One of the noblest and richest women in the empire, mother,’ answered I. + ‘No mere Brady this time,’ I added, laughing: with which hopes I left Mrs. + Barry in the best of tempers. + </p> + <p> + No man can bear less malice than I do; and, when I have once carried my + point, I am one of the most placable creatures in the world. I was a week + in Dublin before I thought it necessary to quit that capital. I had become + quite reconciled to my rival in that time; made a point of calling at his + lodgings, and speedily became an intimate consoler of his bed-side. He had + a gentleman to whom I did not neglect to be civil, and towards whom I + ordered my people to be particular in their attentions; for I was + naturally anxious to learn what my Lord George’s position with the lady of + Castle Lyndon had really been, whether other suitors were about the widow, + and how she would bear the news of his wound. + </p> + <p> + The young nobleman himself enlightened me somewhat upon the subjects I was + most desirous to inquire into. + </p> + <p> + ‘Chevalier,’ said he to me one morning when I went to pay him my + compliments, ‘I find you are an old acquaintance with my kinswoman, the + Countess of Lyndon. She writes me a page of abuse of you in a letter here; + and the strange part of the story is this, that one day when there was + talk about you at Castle Lyndon, and the splendid equipage you were + exhibiting in Dublin, the fair widow vowed and protested she never had + heard of you. + </p> + <p> + ‘“Oh yes, mamma,” said the little Bullingdon, “the tall dark man at Spa + with the cast in his eye, who used to make my governor tipsy and sent me + the sword: his name is Mr. Barry.” + </p> + <p> + ‘But my Lady ordered the boy out of the room, and persisted in knowing + nothing about you.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘And are you a kinsman and acquaintance of my Lady Lyndon, my Lord?’ said + I, in a tone of grave surprise. + </p> + <p> + ‘Yes, indeed,’ answered the young gentleman. ‘I left her house but to get + this ugly wound from you. And it came at a most unlucky time too.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Why more unlucky now than at another moment?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Why, look you, Chevalier, I think the widow was not unpartial to me. I + think I might have induced her to make our connection a little closer: and + faith, though she is older than I am, she is the richest party now in + England.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘My Lord George,’ said I, ‘will you let me ask you a frank but an odd + question?—will you show me her letters?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Indeed I’ll do no such thing,’ replied he, in a rage. + </p> + <p> + ‘Nay, don’t be angry. If <i>I</i> show you letters of Lady Lyndon’s to me, + will you let me see hers to you?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘What, in Heaven’s name, do you mean, Mr. Barry?’ said the young + gentleman. + </p> + <p> + ‘<i>I</i> mean that I passionately loved Lady Lyndon. I mean that I am a—that + I rather was not indifferent to her. I mean that I love her to distraction + at this present moment, and will die myself, or kill the man who possesses + her before me.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘YOU marry the greatest heiress and the noblest blood in England?’ said + Lord George haughtily. + </p> + <p> + ‘There’s no nobler blood in Europe than mine,’ answered I: ‘and I tell you + I don’t know whether to hope or not. But this I know, that there were days + in which, poor as I am, the great heiress did not disdain to look down + upon my poverty: and that any man who marries her passes over my dead body + to do it. It’s lucky for you,’ I added gloomily, ‘that on the occasion of + my engagement with you, I did not know what were your views regarding my + Lady Lyndon. My poor boy, you are a lad of courage and I love you. Mine is + the first sword in Europe, and you would have been lying in a narrower bed + than that you now occupy.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Boy!’ said Lord George: ‘I am not four years younger than you are.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘You are forty years younger than I am in experience. I have passed + through every grade of life. With my own skill and daring I have made my + own fortune. I have been in fourteen pitched battles as a private soldier, + and have been twenty-three times on the ground, and never was touched but + once; and that was by the sword of a French maitre-d’armes, Whom I killed. + I started in life at seventeen, a beggar, and am now at seven-and-twenty, + with twenty thousand guineas. Do you suppose a man of my courage and + energy can’t attain anything that he dares, and that having claims upon + the widow, I will not press them?’ + </p> + <p> + This speech was not exactly true to the letter (for I had multiplied my + pitched battles, my duels, and my wealth somewhat); but I saw that it made + the impression I desired to effect upon the young gentleman’s mind, who + listened to my statement with peculiar seriousness, and whom I presently + left to digest it. + </p> + <p> + A couple of days afterwards I called to see him again, when I brought with + me some of the letters that had passed between me and my Lady Lyndon. + ‘Here,’ said I, ‘look—I show it you in confidence—it is a lock + of her Ladyship’s hair; here are her letters signed Calista, and addressed + to Eugenio. Here is a poem, “When Sol bedecks the mead with light, And + pallid Cynthia sheds her ray,” addressed by her Ladyship to your humble + servant.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Calista! Eugenio! Sol bedecks the mead with light?’ cried the young lord. + ‘Am I dreaming? Why, my dear Barry, the widow has sent me the very poem + herself! “Rejoicing in the sunshine bright, Or musing in the evening + grey.”’ + </p> + <p> + I could not help laughing as he made the quotation. They were, in fact, + the very words MY Calista had addressed to me. And we found, upon + comparing letters, that whole passages of eloquence figured in the one + correspondence which appeared in the other. See what it is to be a + blue-stocking and have a love of letter-writing! + </p> + <p> + The young man put down the papers in great perturbation. ‘Well, thank + Heaven!’ said he, after a pause of some duration,—‘thank Heaven for + a good riddance! Ah, Mr. Barry, what a woman I MIGHT have married had + these lucky papers not come in my way! I thought my Lady Lyndon had a + heart, sir, I must confess, though not a very warm one; and that, at + least, one could TRUST her. But marry her now! I would as lief send my + servant into the street to get me a wife, as put up with such an Ephesian + matron as that.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘My Lord George,’ said I, ‘you little know the world. Remember what a bad + husband Lady Lyndon had, and don’t be astonished that she, on her side, + should be indifferent. Nor has she, I will dare to wager, ever passed + beyond the bounds of harmless gallantry, or sinned beyond the composing of + a sonnet or a billet-doux.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘My wife,’ said the little lord, ‘shall write no sonnets or billets-doux; + and I’m heartily glad to think I have obtained, in good time, a knowledge + of the heartless vixen with whom I thought myself for a moment in love.’ + </p> + <p> + The wounded young nobleman was either, as I have said, very young and + green in matters of the world—for to suppose that a man would give + up forty thousand a year, because, forsooth, the lady connected with it + had written a few sentimental letters to a young fellow, is too absurd—or, + as I am inclined to believe, he was glad of an excuse to quit the field + altogether, being by no means anxious to meet the victorious sword of + Redmond Barry a second time. + </p> + <p> + When the idea of Poynings’ danger, or the reproaches probably addressed by + him to the widow regarding myself, had brought this exceedingly weak and + feeble woman up to Dublin, as I expected, and my worthy Ulick had informed + me of her arrival, I quitted my good mother, who was quite reconciled to + me (indeed the duel had done that), and found the disconsolate Calista was + in the habit of paying visits to the wounded swain; much to the annoyance, + the servants told me, of that gentleman. The English are often absurdly + high and haughty upon a point of punctilio; and, after his kinswoman’s + conduct, Lord Poynings swore he would have no more to do with her. + </p> + <p> + I had this information from his Lordship’s gentleman; with whom, as I have + said, I took particular care to be friends; nor was I denied admission by + his porter, when I chose to call, as before. + </p> + <p> + Her Ladyship had most likely bribed that person, as I had; for she had + found her way up, though denied admission; and, in fact, I had watched her + from her own house to Lord George Poynings’ lodgings, and seen her descend + from her chair there and enter, before I myself followed her. I proposed + to await her quietly in the ante-room, to make a scene there, and reproach + her with infidelity, if necessary; but matters were, as it happened, + arranged much more conveniently for me; and walking, unannounced, into the + outer room of his Lordship’s apartments, I had the felicity of hearing in + the next chamber, of which the door was partially open, the voice of my + Calista. She was in full cry, appealing to the poor patient, as he lay + confined in his bed, and speaking in the most passionate manner. ‘What can + lead you, George,’ she said, ‘to doubt of my faith? How can you break my + heart by casting me off in this monstrous manner? Do you wish to drive + your poor Calista to the grave? Well, well, I shall join there the dear + departed angel.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Who entered it three months since,’ said Lord George, with a sneer. ‘It’s + a wonder you have survived so long.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Don’t treat your poor Calista in this cruel cruel manner, Antonio!’ cried + the widow. + </p> + <p> + ‘Bah!’ said Lord George, ‘my wound is bad. My doctors forbid me much talk. + Suppose your Antonio tired, my dear. Can’t you console yourself with + somebody else?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Heavens, Lord George! Antonio!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Console yourself with Eugenio,’ said the young nobleman bitterly, and + began ringing his bell; on which his valet, who was in an inner room, came + out, and he bade him show her Ladyship downstairs. + </p> + <p> + Lady Lyndon issued from the room in the greatest flurry. She was dressed + in deep weeds, with a veil over her face, and did not recognise the person + waiting in the outer apartment. As she went down the stairs, I stepped + lightly after her, and as her chairman opened her door, sprang forward, + and took her hand to place her in the vehicle. ‘Dearest widow,’ said I, + ‘his Lordship spoke correctly. Console yourself with Eugenio!’ She was too + frightened even to scream, as her chairman carried her away. She was set + down at her house, and you may be sure that I was at the chair-door, as + before, to help her out. + </p> + <p> + ‘Monstrous man!’ said she, ‘I desire you to leave me.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Madam, it would be against my oath,’ replied I; ‘recollect the vow + Eugenio sent to Calista.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘If you do not quit me, I will call for the domestics to turn you from the + door.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘What! when I am come with my Calista’s letters in my pocket, to return + them mayhap? You can soothe, madam, but you cannot frighten Redmond + Barry.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘What is it you would have of me, sir?’ said the widow, rather agitated. + </p> + <p> + ‘Let me come upstairs, and I will tell you all,’ I replied; and she + condescended to give me her hand, and to permit me to lead her from her + chair to her drawing-room. + </p> + <p> + When we were alone I opened my mind honourably to her. + </p> + <p> + ‘Dearest madam,’ said I, ‘do not let your cruelty drive a desperate slave + to fatal measures. I adore you. In former days you allowed me to whisper + my passion to you unrestrained; at present you drive me from your door, + leave my letters unanswered, and prefer another to me. My flesh and blood + cannot bear such treatment. Look upon the punishment I have been obliged + to inflict; tremble at that which I may be compelled to administer to that + unfortunate young man: so sure as he marries you, madam, he dies.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I do not recognise,’ said the widow, ‘the least right you have to give + the law to the Countess of Lyndon: I do not in the least understand your + threats, or heed them. What has passed between me and an Irish adventurer + that should authorise this impertinent intrusion?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘THESE have passed, madam,’ said I,—‘Calista’s letters to Eugenio. + They may have been very innocent; but will the world believe it? You may + have only intended to play with the heart of the poor artless Irish + gentleman who adored and confided in you. But who will believe the stories + of your innocence, against the irrefragable testimony of your own + handwriting? Who will believe that you could write these letters in the + mere wantonness of coquetry, and not under the influence of affection?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Villain!’ cried my Lady Lyndon, ‘could you dare to construe out of those + idle letters of mine any other meaning than that which they really bear?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I will construe anything out of them,’ said I; ‘such is the passion which + animates me towards you. I have sworn it—you must and shall be mine! + Did you ever know me promise to accomplish a thing and fail? Which will + you prefer to have from me—a love such as woman never knew from man + before, or a hatred to which there exists no parallel?’ + </p> + <p> + ‘A woman of my rank, sir, can fear nothing from the hatred of an + adventurer like yourself,’ replied the lady, drawing up stately. + </p> + <p> + ‘Look at your Poynings—was HE of your rank? You are the cause of + that young man’s wound, madam; and, but that the instrument of your savage + cruelty relented, would have been the author of his murder—yes, of + his murder; for, if a wife is faithless, does not she arm the husband who + punishes the seducer! And I look upon you, Honoria Lyndon, as my wife.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Husband? wife, sir!’ cried the widow, quite astonished. + </p> + <p> + ‘Yes, wife! husband! I am not one of those poor souls with whom coquettes + can play, and who may afterwards throw them aside. You would forget what + passed between us at Spa: Calista would forget Eugenio; but I will not let + you forget me. You thought to trifle with my heart, did you? When once + moved, Honoria, it is moved for ever. I love you—love as + passionately now as I did when my passion was hopeless; and, now that I + can win you, do you think I will forego you? Cruel cruel Calista! you + little know the power of your own charms if you think their effect is so + easily obliterated—you little know the constancy of this pure and + noble heart if you think that, having once loved, it can ever cease to + adore you. No! I swear by your cruelty that I will revenge it; by your + wonderful beauty that I will win it, and be worthy to win it. Lovely, + fascinating, fickle, cruel woman! you shall be mine—I swear it! Your + wealth may be great; but am I not of a generous nature enough to use it + worthily? Your rank is lofty; but not so lofty as my ambition. You threw + yourself away once on a cold and spiritless debauchee: give yourself now, + Honoria, to a MAN; and one who, however lofty your rank may be, will + enhance it and become it!’ + </p> + <p> + As I poured words to this effect out on the astonished widow, I stood over + her, and fascinated her with the glance of my eye; saw her turn red and + pale with fear and wonder; saw that my praise of her charms and the + exposition of my passion were not unwelcome to her, and witnessed with + triumphant composure the mastery I was gaining over her. Terror, be sure + of that, is not a bad ingredient of love. A man who wills fiercely to win + the heart of a weak and vapourish woman MUST succeed, if he have + opportunity enough. + </p> + <p> + ‘Terrible man!’ said Lady Lyndon, shrinking from me as soon as I had done + speaking (indeed, I was at a loss for words, and thinking of another + speech to make to her)—‘terrible man! leave me.’ + </p> + <p> + I saw that I had made an impression on her, from those very words. ‘If she + lets me into the house to-morrow,’ said I, ‘she is mine.’ + </p> + <p> + As I went downstairs I put ten guineas into the hand of the hall-porter, + who looked quite astonished at such a gift. + </p> + <p> + ‘It is to repay you for the trouble of opening the door to me,’ said I; + ‘you will have to do so often.’ + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0016" id="link2HCH0016"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVI. I PROVIDE NOBLY FOR MY FAMILY + </h2> + <p> + The next day when I went back, my fears were realised: the door was + refused to me—my Lady was not at home. This I knew to be false: I + had watched the door the whole morning from a lodging I took at a house + opposite. + </p> + <p> + ‘Your lady is not out,’ said I: ‘she has denied me, and I can’t, of + course, force my way to her. But listen: you are an Englishman?’ ‘That I + am,’ said the fellow, with an air of the utmost superiority. ‘Your honour + could tell that by my HACCENT.’ + </p> + <p> + I knew he was, and might therefore offer him a bribe. An Irish family + servant in rags, and though his wages were never paid him, would probably + fling the money in your face. + </p> + <p> + ‘Listen, then,’ said I. ‘Your lady’s letters pass through your hands, + don’t they? A crown for every one that you bring me to read. There is a + whisky-shop in the next street; bring them there when you go to drink, and + call for me by the name of Dermot.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I recollect your honour at SPAR,’ says the fellow, grinning: ‘seven’s the + main, hey?’ and being exceedingly proud of this reminiscence, I bade my + inferior adieu. + </p> + <p> + I do not defend this practice of letter-opening in private life, except in + cases of the most urgent necessity: when we must follow the examples of + our betters, the statesmen of all Europe, and, for the sake of a great + good, infringe a little matter of ceremony. My Lady Lyndon’s letters were + none the worse for being opened, and a great deal the better; the + knowledge obtained from the perusal of some of her multifarious epistles + enabling me to become intimate with her character in a hundred ways, and + obtain a power over her by which I was not slow to profit. By the aid of + the letters and of my English friend, whom I always regaled with the best + of liquor, and satisfied with presents of money still more agreeable (I + used to put on a livery in order to meet him, and a red wig, in which it + was impossible to know the dashing and elegant Redmond Barry), I got such + an insight into the widow’s movements as astonished her. I knew beforehand + to what public places she would go; they were, on account of her + widowhood, but few: and wherever she appeared, at church or in the park, I + was always ready to offer her her book, or to canter on horseback by the + side of her chariot. + </p> + <p> + Many of her Ladyship’s letters were the most whimsical rodomontades that + ever blue-stocking penned. She was a woman who took up and threw off a + greater number of dear friends than any one I ever knew. To some of these + female darlings she began presently to write about my unworthy self, and + it was with a sentiment of extreme satisfaction I found at length that the + widow was growing dreadfully afraid of me; calling me her bete noire, her + dark spirit, her murderous adorer, and a thousand other names indicative + of her extreme disquietude and terror. It was: ‘The wretch has been + dogging my chariot through the park,’ or, ‘my fate pursued me at church,’ + and ‘my inevitable adorer handed me out of my chair at the mercer’s,’ or + what not. My wish was to increase this sentiment of awe in her bosom, and + to make her believe that I was a person from whom escape was impossible. + </p> + <p> + To this end I bribed a fortune-teller, whom she consulted along with a + number of the most foolish and distinguished people of Dublin, in those + days; and who, although she went dressed like one of her waiting-women, + did not fail to recognise her real rank, and to describe as her future + husband her persevering adorer Redmond Barry, Esquire. This incident + disturbed her very much. She wrote about it in terms of great wonder and + terror to her female correspondents. ‘Can this monster,’ she wrote, + ‘indeed do as he boasts, and bend even Fate to his will?—can he make + me marry him though I cordially detest him, and bring me a slave to his + feet. The horrid look of his black serpent-like eyes fascinates and + frightens me: it seems to follow me everywhere, and even when I close my + own eyes, the dreadful gaze penetrates the lids, and is still upon me.’ + </p> + <p> + When a woman begins to talk of a man in this way, he is an ass who does + not win her; and, for my part, I used to follow her about, and put myself + in an attitude opposite her, ‘and fascinate her with my glance,’ as she + said, most assiduously. Lord George Poynings, her former admirer, was + meanwhile keeping his room with his wound, and seemed determined to give + up all claims to her favour; for he denied her admittance when she called, + sent no answer to her multiplied correspondence, and contented himself by + saying generally, that the surgeon had forbidden him to receive visitors + or to answer letters. Thus, while he went into the background, I came + forward, and took good care that no other rivals should present themselves + with any chance of success; for, as soon as I heard of one, I had a + quarrel fastened on him, and, in this way, pinked two more, besides my + first victim Lord George. I always took another pretext for quarrelling + with them than the real one of attention to Lady Lyndon, so that no + scandal or hurt to her Ladyship’s feelings might arise in consequence; but + she very well knew what was the meaning of these duels; and the young + fellows of Dublin, too, by laying two and two together, began to perceive + that there was a certain dragon in watch for the wealthy heiress, and that + the dragon must be subdued first before they could get at the lady. I + warrant that, after the first three, not many champions were found to + address the lady; and have often laughed (in my sleeve) to see many of the + young Dublin beaux riding by the side of her carriage scamper off as soon + as my bay-mare and green liveries made their appearance. + </p> + <p> + I wanted to impress her with some great and awful instance of my power, + and to this end had determined to confer a great benefit upon my honest + cousin Ulick, and carry off for him the fair object of his affections, + Miss Kiljoy, under the very eyes of her guardian and friend, Lady Lyndon; + and in the teeth of the squires, the young lady’s brothers, who passed the + season at Dublin, and made as much swagger and to-do about their sister’s + L10,000 Irish, as if she had had a plum to her fortune. The girl was by no + means averse to Mr. Brady; and it only shows how faint-spirited some men + are, and how a superior genius can instantly overcome difficulties which + to common minds seem insuperable, that he never had thought of running off + with her: as I at once and boldly did. Miss Kiljoy had been a ward in + Chancery until she attained her majority (before which period it would + have been a dangerous matter for me to put in execution the scheme I + meditated concerning her); but, though now free to marry whom she liked, + she was a young lady of timid disposition, and as much under fear of her + brothers and relatives as though she had not been independent of them. + They had some friend of their own in view for the young lady, and had + scornfully rejected the proposal of Ulick Brady, the ruined gentleman; who + was quite unworthy, as these rustic bucks thought, of the hand of such a + prodigiously wealthy heiress as their sister. + </p> + <p> + Finding herself lonely in her great house in Dublin, the Countess of + Lyndon invited her friend Miss Amelia to pass the season with her at + Dublin; and, in a fit of maternal fondness, also sent for her son the + little Bullingdon, and my old acquaintance his governor, to come to the + capital and bear her company. A family coach brought the boy, the heiress, + and the tutor from Castle Lyndon; and I determined to take the first + opportunity of putting my plan in execution. + </p> + <p> + For this chance I had not very long to wait. I have said, in a former + chapter of my biography, that the kingdom of Ireland was at this period + ravaged by various parties of banditti; who, under the name of Whiteboys, + Oakboys, Steelboys, with captains at their head, killed proctors, fired + stacks, houghed and maimed cattle, and took the law into their own hands. + One of these bands, or several of them for what I know, was commanded by a + mysterious personage called Captain Thunder; whose business seemed to be + that of marrying people with or without their own consent, or that of + their parents. The Dublin Gazettes and Mercuries of that period (the year + 1772) teem with proclamations from the Lord Lieutenant, offering rewards + for the apprehension of this dreadful Captain Thunder and his gang, and + describing at length various exploits of the savage aide-de-camp of Hymen. + I determined to make use, if not of the services, at any rate of the name + of Captain Thunder, and put my cousin Ulick in possession of his lady and + her ten thousand pounds. She was no great beauty, and, I presume, it was + the money he loved rather than the owner of it. + </p> + <p> + On account of her widowhood, Lady Lyndon could not as yet frequent the + balls and routs which the hospitable nobility of Dublin were in the custom + of giving; but her friend Miss Kiljoy had no such cause for retirement, + and was glad to attend any parties to which she might be invited. I made + Ulick Brady a present of a couple of handsome suits of velvet, and by my + influence procured him an invitation to many of the most elegant of these + assemblies. But he had not had my advantages or experience of the manners + of Court; was as shy with ladies as a young colt, and could no more dance + a minuet than a donkey. He made very little way in the polite world or in + his mistress’s heart: in fact, I could see that she preferred several + other young gentlemen to him, who were more at home in the ball-room than + poor Ulick; he had made his first impression upon the heiress, and felt + his first flame for her, in her father’s house of Ballykiljoy, where he + used to hunt and get drunk with the old gentleman. + </p> + <p> + ‘I could do THIM two well enough, anyhow,’ Ulick would say, heaving a + sigh; ‘and if it’s drinking or riding across country would do it, there’s + no man in Ireland would have a better chance with Amalia.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Never fear, Ulick,’ was my reply; ‘you shall have your Amalia, or my name + is not Redmond Barry.’ + </p> + <p> + My Lord Charlemont—who was one of the most elegant and accomplished + noblemen in Ireland in those days, a fine scholar and wit, a gentleman who + had travelled much abroad, where I had the honour of knowing him—gave + a magnificent masquerade at his house of Marino, some few miles from + Dublin, on the Dunleary road. And it was at this entertainment that I was + determined that Ulick should be made happy for life. Miss Kiljoy was + invited to the masquerade, and the little Lord Bullingdon, who longed to + witness such a scene; and it was agreed that he was to go under the + guardianship of his governor, my old friend the Reverend Mr. Runt. I + learned what was the equipage in which the party were to be conveyed to + the ball, and took my measures accordingly. + </p> + <p> + Ulick Brady was not present: his fortune and quality were not sufficient + to procure him an invitation to so distinguished a place, and I had it + given out three days previous that he had been arrested for debt: a rumour + which surprised nobody who knew him. + </p> + <p> + I appeared that night in a character with which I was very familiar, that + of a private soldier in the King of Prussia’s guard. I had a grotesque + mask made, with an immense nose and moustaches, talked a jumble of broken + English and German, in which the latter greatly predominated; and had + crowds round me laughing at my droll accent, and whose curiosity was + increased by a knowledge of my previous history. Miss Kiljoy was attired + as an antique princess, with little Bullingdon as a page of the times of + chivalry; his hair was in powder, his doublet rose-colour, and pea-green + and silver, and he looked very handsome and saucy as he strutted about + with my sword by his side. As for Mr. Runt, he walked about very demurely + in a domino, and perpetually paid his respects to the buffet, and ate + enough cold chicken and drank enough punch and champagne to satisfy a + company of grenadiers. + </p> + <p> + The Lord Lieutenant came and went in state-the ball was magnificent. Miss + Kiljoy had partners in plenty, among whom was myself, who walked a minuet + with her (if the clumsy waddling of the Irish heiress may be called by + such a name); and I took occasion to plead my passion for Lady Lyndon in + the most pathetic terms, and to beg her friend’s interference in my + favour. + </p> + <p> + It was three hours past midnight when the party for Lyndon House went + away. Little Bullingdon had long since been asleep in one of Lady + Charlemont’s china closets. Mr. Runt was exceedingly husky in talk, and + unsteady in gait. A young lady of the present day would be alarmed to see + a gentleman in such a condition; but it was a common sight in those jolly + old times, when a gentleman was thought a milksop unless he was + occasionally tipsy. I saw Miss Kiljoy to her carriage, with several other + gentlemen: and, peering through the crowd of ragged linkboys, drivers, + beggars, drunken men and women, who used invariably to wait round great + men’s doors when festivities were going on, saw the carriage drive off, + with a hurrah from the mob; then came back presently to the supper-room, + where I talked German, favoured the three or four topers still there with + a High-Dutch chorus, and attacked the dishes and wine with great + resolution. + </p> + <p> + ‘How can you drink aisy with that big nose on?’ said one gentleman. + </p> + <p> + ‘Go an be hangt!’ said I, in the true accent, applying myself again to the + wine; with which the others laughed, and I pursued my supper in silence. + </p> + <p> + There was a gentleman present who had seen the Lyndon party go off, with + whom I had made a bet, which I lost; and the next morning I called upon + him and paid it him. All which particulars the reader will be surprised at + hearing enumerated; but the fact is, that it was not I who went back to + the party, but my late German valet, who was of my size, and, dressed in + my mask, could perfectly pass for me. We changed clothes in a + hackney-coach that stood near Lady Lyndon’s chariot, and driving after it, + speedily overtook it. + </p> + <p> + The fated vehicle which bore the lovely object of Ulick Brady’s affections + had not advanced very far, when, in the midst of a deep rut in the road, + it came suddenly to with a jolt; the footman, springing off the back, + cried ‘Stop!’ to the coachman, warning him that a wheel was off, and that + it would be dangerous to proceed with only three. Wheel-caps had not been + invented in those days, as they have since been by the ingenious builders + of Long Acre. And how the linch-pin of the wheel had come out I do not + pretend to say; but it possibly may have been extracted by some rogues + among the crowd before Lord Charlemont’s gate. + </p> + <p> + Miss Kiljoy thrust her head out of the window, screaming as ladies do; Mr. + Runt the chaplain woke up from his boozy slumbers; and little Bullingdon, + starting up and drawing his little sword, said, ‘Don’t be afraid, Miss + Amelia: if it’s footpads, I am armed.’ The young rascal had the spirit of + a lion, that’s the truth; as I must acknowledge, in spite of all my after + quarrels with him. + </p> + <p> + The hackney-coach which had been following Lady Lyndon’s chariot by this + time came up, and the coachman seeing the disaster, stepped down from his + box, and politely requested her Ladyship’s honour to enter his vehicle; + which was as clean and elegant as any person of tiptop quality might + desire. This invitation was, after a minute or two, accepted by the + passengers of the chariot: the hackney-coachman promising to drive them to + Dublin ‘in a hurry.’ Thady, the valet, proposed to accompany his young + master and the young lady; and the coachman, who had a friend seemingly + drunk by his side on the box, with a grin told Thady to get up behind. + However, as the footboard there was covered with spikes, as a defence + against the street-boys, who love a ride gratis, Thady’s fidelity would + not induce him to brave these; and he was persuaded to remain by the + wounded chariot, for which he and the coachman manufactured a linch-pin + out of a neighbouring hedge. + </p> + <p> + Meanwhile, although the hackney-coachman drove on rapidly, yet the party + within seemed to consider it was a long distance from Dublin; and what was + Miss Kiljoy’s astonishment, on looking out of the window at length, to see + around her a lonely heath, with no signs of buildings or city. She began + forthwith to scream out to the coachman to stop; but the man only whipped + the horses the faster for her noise, and bade her Ladyship ‘hould on—‘twas + a short cut he was taking.’ + </p> + <p> + Miss Kiljoy continued screaming, the coachman flogging, the horses + galloping, until two or three men appeared suddenly from a hedge, to whom + the fair one cried for assistance; and the young Bullingdon opening the + coach-door, jumped valiantly out, toppling over head and heels as he fell; + but jumping up in an instant, he drew his little sword, and, running + towards the carriage, exclaimed, ‘This way, gentlemen! stop the rascal!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Stop!’ cried the men; at which the coachman pulled up with extraordinary + obedience. Runt all the while lay tipsy in the carriage, having only a + dreamy half-consciousness of all that was going on. + </p> + <p> + The newly arrived champions of female distress now held a consultation, in + which they looked at the young lord and laughed considerably. + </p> + <p> + ‘Do not be alarmed,’ said the leader, coming up to the door; ‘one of my + people shall mount the box by the side of that treacherous rascal, and, + with your Ladyship’s leave, I and my companions will get in and see you + home. We are well armed, and can defend you in case of danger.’ + </p> + <p> + With this, and without more ado, he jumped into the carriage, his + companion following him. + </p> + <p> + ‘Know your place, fellow!’ cried out little Bullingdon indignantly: ‘and + give place to the Lord Viscount Bullingdon!’ and put himself before the + huge person of the new-comer, who was about to enter the hackney-coach. + </p> + <p> + ‘Get out of that, my Lord,’ said the man, in a broad brogue, and shoving + him aside. On which the boy, crying ‘Thieves! thieves!’ drew out his + little hanger, and ran at the man, and would have wounded him (for a small + sword will wound as well as a great one); but his opponent, who was armed + with a long stick, struck the weapon luckily out of the lad’s hands: it + went flying over his head, and left him aghast and mortified at his + discomfiture. + </p> + <p> + He then pulled off his hat, making his Lordship a low bow, and entered the + carriage; the door of which was shut upon him by his confederate, who was + to mount the box. Miss Kiljoy might have screamed; but I presume her + shrieks were stopped by the sight of an enormous horse-pistol which one of + her champions produced, who said, ‘No harm is intended you, ma’am, but if + you cry out, we must gag you;’ on which she suddenly became as mute as a + fish. + </p> + <p> + All these events took place in an exceedingly short space of time; and + when the three invaders had taken possession of the carriage, the poor + little Bullingdon being left bewildered and astonished on the heath, one + of them putting his head out of the window, said,— + </p> + <p> + ‘My Lord, a word with you.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘What is it?’ said the boy, beginning to whimper: he was but eleven years + old, and his courage had been excellent hitherto. + </p> + <p> + ‘You are only two miles from Marino. Walk back till you come to a big + stone, there turn to the right, and keep on straight till you get to the + high-road, when you will easily find your way back. And when you see her + Ladyship your mamma, give CAPTAIN THUNDER’S compliments, and say Miss + Amelia Kiljoy is going to be married.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘O heavens!’ sighed out that young lady. + </p> + <p> + The carriage drove swiftly on, and the poor little nobleman was left alone + on the heath, just as the morning began to break. He was fairly + frightened; and no wonder. He thought of running after the coach; but his + courage and his little legs failed him: so he sat down upon a stone and + cried for vexation. + </p> + <p> + It was in this way that Ulick Brady made what I call a Sabine marriage. + When he halted with his two groomsmen at the cottage where the ceremony + was to be performed, Mr. Runt, the chaplain, at first declined to perform + it. But a pistol was held at the head of that unfortunate preceptor, and + he was told, with dreadful oaths, that his miserable brains would be blown + out; when he consented to read the service. The lovely Amelia had, very + likely, a similar inducement held out to her, but of that I know nothing; + for I drove back to town with the coachman as soon as we had set the + bridal party down, and had the satisfaction of finding Fritz, my German, + arrived before me: he had come back in my carriage in my dress, having + left the masquerade undiscovered, and done everything there according to + my orders. + </p> + <p> + Poor Runt came back the next day in a piteous plight, keeping silence as + to his share in the occurrences of the evening, and with a dismal story of + having been drunk, of having been waylaid and bound, of having been left + on the road and picked up by a Wicklow cart, which was coming in with + provisions to Dublin, and found him helpless on the road. There was no + possible means of fixing any share of the conspiracy upon him. Little + Bullingdon, who, too, found his way home, was unable in any way to + identify me. But Lady Lyndon knew that I was concerned in the plot, for I + met her hurrying the next day to the Castle; all the town being up about + the enlevement. And I saluted her with a smile so diabolical, that I knew + she was aware that I had been concerned in the daring and ingenious + scheme. + </p> + <p> + Thus it was that I repaid Ulick Brady’s kindness to me in early days; and + had the satisfaction of restoring the fallen fortunes of a deserving + branch of my family. He took his bride into Wicklow, where he lived with + her in the strictest seclusion until the affair was blown over; the + Kiljoys striving everywhere in vain to discover his retreat. They did not + for a while even know who was the lucky man who had carried off the + heiress; nor was it until she wrote a letter some weeks afterwards, signed + Amelia Brady, and expressing perfect happiness in her new condition, and + stating that she had been married by Lady Lyndon’s chaplain Mr. Runt, that + the truth was known, and my worthy friend confessed his share of the + transaction. As his good-natured mistress did not dismiss him from his + post in consequence, everybody persisted in supposing that poor Lady + Lyndon was privy to the plot; and the story of her Ladyship’s passionate + attachment for me gained more and more credit. + </p> + <p> + I was not slow, you may be sure, in profiting by these rumours. Every one + thought I had a share in the Brady marriage; though no one could prove it. + Every one thought I was well with the widowed Countess; though no one + could show that I said so. But there is a way of proving a thing even + while you contradict it, and I used to laugh and joke so apropos that all + men began to wish me joy of my great fortune, and look up to me as the + affianced husband of the greatest heiress in the kingdom. The papers took + up the matter; the female friends of Lady Lyndon remonstrated with her and + cried ‘Fie!’ Even the English journals and magazines, which in those days + were very scandalous, talked of the matter; and whispered that a beautiful + and accomplished widow, with a title and the largest possessions in the + two kingdoms, was about to bestow her hand upon a young gentleman of high + birth and fashion, who had distinguished himself in the service of His M——-y + the K—- of Pr——. I won’t say who was the author of these + paragraphs; or how two pictures, one representing myself under the title + of ‘The Prussian Irishman,’ and the other Lady Lyndon as ‘The Countess of + Ephesus,’ actually appeared in the Town and Country Magazine, published at + London, and containing the fashionable tittle-tattle of the day. + </p> + <p> + Lady Lyndon was so perplexed and terrified by this continual hold upon + her, that she determined to leave the country. Well, she did; and who was + the first to receive her on landing at Holyhead? Your humble servant, + Redmond Barry, Esquire. And, to crown all, the Dublin Mercury, which + announced her Ladyship’s departure, announced mine THE DAY BEFORE. There + was not a soul but thought she had followed me to England; whereas she was + only flying me. Vain hope!—a man of my resolution was not thus to be + balked in pursuit. Had she fled to the antipodes, I would have been there: + ay, and would have followed her as far as Orpheus did Eurydice! + </p> + <p> + Her Ladyship had a house in Berkeley Square, London, more splendid than + that which she possessed in Dublin; and, knowing that she would come + thither, I preceded her to the English capital, and took handsome + apartments in Hill Street, hard by. I had the same intelligence in her + London house which I had procured in Dublin. The same faithful porter was + there to give me all the information I required. I promised to treble his + wages as soon as a certain event should happen. I won over Lady Lyndon’s + companion by a present of a hundred guineas down, and a promise of two + thousand when I should be married, and gained the favours of her favourite + lady’s-maid by a bribe of similar magnitude. My reputation had so far + preceded me in London that, on my arrival, numbers of the genteel were + eager to receive me at their routs. We have no idea in this humdrum age + what a gay and splendid place London was then: what a passion for play + there was among young and old, male and female; what thousands were lost + and won in a night; what beauties there were—how brilliant, gay, and + dashing! Everybody was delightfully wicked: the Royal Dukes of Gloucester + and Cumberland set the example; the nobles followed close behind. Running + away was the fashion. Ah! it was a pleasant time; and lucky was he who had + fire, and youth, and money, and could live in it! I had all these; and the + old frequenters of ‘White’s,’ ‘Wattier’s,’ and ‘Goosetree’s’ could tell + stories of the gallantry, spirit, and high fashion of Captain Barry. + </p> + <p> + The progress of a love-story is tedious to all those who are not + concerned, and I leave such themes to the hack novel-writers, and the + young boarding-school misses for whom they write. It is not my intention + to follow, step by step, the incidents of my courtship, or to narrate all + the difficulties I had to contend with, and my triumphant manner of + surmounting them. Suffice it to say, I DID overcome these difficulties. I + am of opinion, with my friend the late ingenious Mr. Wilkes, that such + impediments are nothing in the way of a man of spirit; and that he can + convert indifference and aversion into love, if he have perseverance and + cleverness sufficient. By the time the Countess’s widowhood was expired, I + had found means to be received into her house; I had her women perpetually + talking in my favour, vaunting my powers, expatiating upon my reputation, + and boasting of my success and popularity in the fashionable world. + </p> + <p> + Also, the best friends I had in the prosecution of my tender suit were the + Countess’s noble relatives; who were far from knowing the service that + they did me, and to whom I beg leave to tender my heartfelt thanks for the + abuse with which they then loaded me! and to whom I fling my utter + contempt for the calumny and hatred with which they have subsequently + pursued me. + </p> + <p> + The chief of these amiable persons was the Marchioness of Tiptoff, mother + of the young gentleman whose audacity I had punished at Dublin. This old + harridan, on the Countess’s first arrival in London, waited upon her, and + favoured her with such a storm of abuse for her encouragement of me, that + I do believe she advanced my cause more than six months’ courtship could + have done, or the pinking of a half-dozen of rivals. It was in vain that + poor Lady Lyndon pleaded her entire innocence and vowed she had never + encouraged me. ‘Never encouraged him!’ screamed out the old fury; ‘didn’t + you encourage the wretch at Spa, during Sir Charles’s own life? Didn’t you + marry a dependant of yours to one of this profligate’s bankrupt cousins? + When he set off for England, didn’t you follow him like a mad woman the + very next day? Didn’t he take lodgings at your very door almost—and + do you call this no encouragement? For shame, madam, shame! You might have + married my son—my dear and noble George; but that he did not choose + to interfere with your shameful passion for the beggarly upstart whom you + caused to assassinate him; and the only counsel I have to give your + Ladyship is this, to legitimatise the ties which you have contracted with + this shameless adventurer; to make that connection legal which, real as it + is now, is against both decency and religion; and to spare your family and + your son the shame of your present line of life.’ + </p> + <p> + With this the old fury of a marchioness left the room, and Lady Lyndon in + tears: I had the whole particulars of the conversation from her Ladyship’s + companion, and augured the best result from it in my favour. + </p> + <p> + Thus, by the sage influence of my Lady Tiptoff, the Countess of Lyndon’s + natural friends and family were kept from her society. Even when Lady + Lyndon went to Court the most august lady in the realm received her with + such marked coldness, that the unfortunate widow came home and took to her + bed with vexation. And thus I may say that Royalty itself became an agent + in advancing my suit, and helping the plans of the poor Irish soldier of + fortune. So it is that Fate works with agents, great and small; and by + means over which they have no control the destinies of men and women are + accomplished. + </p> + <p> + I shall always consider the conduct of Mrs. Bridget (Lady Lyndon’s + favourite maid at this juncture) as a masterpiece of ingenuity: and, + indeed, had such an opinion of her diplomatic skill, that the very instant + I became master of the Lyndon estates, and paid her the promised sum—I + am a man of honour, and rather than not keep my word with the woman, I + raised the money of the Jews, at an exorbitant interest—as soon, I + say, as I achieved my triumph, I took Mrs. Bridget by the hand, and said, + “Madam, you have shown such unexampled fidelity in my service that I am + glad to reward you, according to my promise; but you have given proofs of + such extraordinary cleverness and dissimulation, that I must decline + keeping you in Lady Lyndon’s establishment, and beg you will leave it this + very day:” which she did, and went over to the Tiptoff faction, and has + abused me ever since. + </p> + <p> + But I must tell you what she did which was so clever. Why, it was the + simplest thing in the world, as all master-strokes are. When Lady Lyndon + lamented her fate and my—as she was pleased to call it—shameful + treatment of her, Mrs. Bridget said, ‘Why should not your Ladyship write + this young gentleman word of the evil which he is causing you? Appeal to + his feelings (which, I have heard say, are very good indeed—the + whole town is ringing with accounts of his spirit and generosity), and beg + him to desist from a pursuit which causes the best of ladies so much pain? + Do, my Lady, write: I know your style is so elegant that I, for my part, + have many a time burst into tears in reading your charming letters, and I + have no doubt Mr. Barry will sacrifice anything rather than hurt your + feelings.’ And, of course, the abigail swore to the fact. + </p> + <p> + ‘Do you think so, Bridget?’ said her Ladyship. And my mistress forthwith + penned me a letter, in her most fascinating and winning manner:—‘Why, + sir,’ wrote she, ‘will you pursue me? why environ me in a web of intrigue + so frightful that my spirit sinks under it, seeing escape is hopeless from + your frightful, your diabolical art? They say you are generous to others—be + so to me. I know your bravery but too well: exercise it on men who can + meet your sword, not on a poor feeble woman, who cannot resist you. + Remember the friendship you once professed for me. And now, I beseech you, + I implore you, to give a proof of it. Contradict the calumnies which you + have spread against me, and repair, if you can, and if you have a spark of + honour left, the miseries which you have caused to the heart-broken + </p> + <p> + ‘H. LYNDON.’ + </p> + <p> + What was this letter meant for but that I should answer it in person? My + excellent ally told me where I should meet Lady Lyndon, and accordingly I + followed, and found her at the Pantheon. I repeated the scene at Dublin + over again; showed her how prodigious my power was, humble as I was, and + that my energy was still untired. ‘But,’ I added, ‘I am as great in good + as I am in evil; as fond and faithful as a friend as I am terrible as an + enemy. I will do everything,’ I said, ‘which you ask of me, except when + you bid me not to love you. That is beyond my power; and while my heart + has a pulse I must follow you. It is MY fate; your fate. Cease to battle + against it, and be mine. Loveliest of your sex! with life alone can end my + passion for you; and, indeed, it is only by dying at your command that I + can be brought to obey you. Do you wish me to die?’ + </p> + <p> + She said, laughing (for she was a woman of a lively, humorous turn), that + she did not wish me to commit self-murder; and I felt from that moment + that she was mine. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + A year from that day, on the 15th of May, in the year 1773, I had the + honour and happiness to lead to the altar Honoria, Countess of Lyndon, + widow of the late Right Honourable Sir Charles Lyndon, K.B. The ceremony + was performed at St. George’s, Hanover Square, by the Reverend Samuel + Runt, her Ladyship’s chaplain. A magnificent supper and ball was given at + our house in Berkeley Square, and the next morning I had a duke, four + earls, three generals, and a crowd of the most distinguished people in + London at my LEVEE. Walpole made a lampoon about the marriage, and Selwyn + cut jokes at the ‘Cocoa-Tree.’ Old Lady Tiptoff, although she had + recommended it, was ready to bite off her fingers with vexation; and as + for young Bullingdon, who was grown a tall lad of fourteen, when called + upon by the Countess to embrace his papa, he shook his fist in my face and + said, ‘HE my father! I would as soon call one of your Ladyship’s footmen + Papa!’ + </p> + <p> + But I could afford to laugh at the rage of the boy and the old woman, and + at the jokes of the wits of St. James’s. I sent off a flaming account of + our nuptials to my mother and my uncle the good Chevalier; and now, + arrived at the pitch of prosperity, and having, at thirty years of age, by + my own merits and energy, raised myself to one of the highest social + positions that any man in England could occupy, I determined to enjoy + myself as became a man of quality for the remainder of my life. + </p> + <p> + After we had received the congratulations of our friends in London—for + in those days people were not ashamed of being married, as they seem to be + now—I and Honoria (who was all complacency, and a most handsome, + sprightly, and agreeable companion) set off to visit our estates in the + West of England, where I had never as yet set foot. We left London in + three chariots, each with four horses; and my uncle would have been + pleased could he have seen painted on their panels the Irish crown and the + ancient coat of the Barrys beside the Countess’s coronet and the noble + cognisance of the noble family of Lyndon. + </p> + <p> + Before quitting London, I procured His Majesty’s gracious permission to + add the name of my lovely lady to my own; and henceforward assumed the + style and title of BARRY LYNDON, as I have written it in this + autobiography. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0017" id="link2HCH0017"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVII. I APPEAR AS AN ORNAMENT OF ENGLISH SOCIETY + </h2> + <p> + All the journey down to Hackton Castle, the largest and most ancient of + our ancestral seats in Devonshire, was performed with the slow and sober + state becoming people of the first quality in the realm. An outrider in my + livery went on before us, and bespoke our lodging from town to town; and + thus we lay in state at Andover, Ilminster, and Exeter; and the fourth + evening arrived in time for supper before the antique baronial mansion, of + which the gate was in an odious Gothic taste that would have set Mr. + Walpole wild with pleasure. + </p> + <p> + The first days of a marriage are commonly very trying; and I have known + couples, who lived together like turtle-doves for the rest of their lives, + peck each other’s eyes out almost during the honeymoon. I did not escape + the common lot; in our journey westward my Lady Lyndon chose to quarrel + with me because I pulled out a pipe of tobacco (the habit of smoking which + I had acquired in Germany when a soldier in Billow’s, and could never give + it over), and smoked it in the carriage; and also her Ladyship chose to + take umbrage both at Ilminster and Andover, because in the evenings when + we lay there I chose to invite the landlords of the ‘Bell’ and the ‘Lion’ + to crack a bottle with me. Lady Lyndon was a haughty woman, and I hate + pride; and I promise you that in both instances I overcame this vice in + her. On the third day of our journey I had her to light my pipematch with + her own hands, and made her deliver it to me with tears in her eyes; and + at the ‘Swan Inn’ at Exeter I had so completely subdued her, that she + asked me humbly whether I would not wish the landlady as well as the host + to step up to dinner with us. To this I should have had no objection, for, + indeed, Mrs. Bonnyface was a very good-looking woman; but we expected a + visit from my Lord Bishop, a kinsman of Lady Lyndon, and the BIENSEANCES + did not permit the indulgence of my wife’s request. I appeared with her at + evening service, to compliment our right reverend cousin, and put her name + down for twenty-five guineas, and my own for one hundred, to the famous + new organ which was then being built for the cathedral. This conduct, at + the very outset of my career in the county, made me not a little popular; + and the residentiary canon, who did me the favour to sup with me at the + inn, went away after the sixth bottle, hiccuping the most solemn vows for + the welfare of such a p-p-pious gentleman. + </p> + <p> + Before we reached Hackton Castle, we had to drive through ten miles of the + Lyndon estates, where the people were out to visit us, the church bells + set a-ringing, the parson and the farmers assembled in their best by the + roadside, and the school children and the labouring people were loud in + their hurrahs for her Ladyship. I flung money among these worthy + characters, stopped to bow and chat with his reverence and the farmers, + and if I found that the Devonshire girls were among the handsomest in the + kingdom is it my fault? These remarks my Lady Lyndon especially would take + in great dudgeon; and I do believe she was made more angry by my + admiration of the red cheeks of Miss Betsy Quarringdon of Clumpton, than + by any previous speech or act of mine in the journey. ‘Ah, ah, my fine + madam, you are jealous, are you?’ thought I, and reflected, not without + deep sorrow, how lightly she herself had acted in her husband’s lifetime, + and that those are most jealous who themselves give most cause for + jealousy. + </p> + <p> + Round Hackton village the scene of welcome was particularly gay: a band of + music had been brought from Plymouth, and arches and flags had been + raised, especially before the attorney’s and the doctor’s houses, who were + both in the employ of the family. There were many hundreds of stout people + at the great lodge, which, with the park-wall, bounds one side of Hackton + Green, and from which, for three miles, goes (or rather went) an avenue of + noble elms up to the towers of the old castle. I wished they had been oak + when I cut the trees down in ‘79, for they would have fetched three times + the money: I know nothing more culpable than the carelessness of ancestors + in planting their grounds with timber of small value, when they might just + as easily raise oak. Thus I have always said that the Roundhead Lyndon of + Hackton, who planted these elms in Charles II.‘s time, cheated me of ten + thousand pounds. + </p> + <p> + For the first few days after our arrival, my time was agreeably spent in + receiving the visits of the nobility and gentry who came to pay their + respects to the noble new-married couple, and, like Bluebeard’s wife in + the fairy tale, in inspecting the treasures, the furniture, and the + numerous chambers of the castle. It is a huge old place, built as far back + as Henry V.‘s time, besieged and battered by the Cromwellians in the + Revolution, and altered and patched up, in an odious old-fashioned taste, + by the Roundhead Lyndon, who succeeded to the property at the death of a + brother whose principles were excellent and of the true Cavalier sort, but + who ruined himself chiefly by drinking, dicing, and a dissolute life, and + a little by supporting the King. The castle stands in a fine chase, which + was prettily speckled over with deer; and I can’t but own that my pleasure + was considerable at first, as I sat in the oak parlour of summer evenings, + with the windows open, the gold and silver plate shining in a hundred + dazzling colours on the side-boards, a dozen jolly companions round the + table, and could look out over the wide green park and the waving woods, + and see the sun setting on the lake, and hear the deer calling to one + another. + </p> + <p> + The exterior was, when I first arrived, a quaint composition of all sorts + of architecture; of feudal towers, and gable-ends in Queen Bess’s style, + and rough-patched walls built up to repair the ravages of the Roundhead + cannon: but I need not speak of this at large, having had the place + new-faced at a vast expense, under a fashionable architect, and the facade + laid out in the latest French-Greek and most classical style. There had + been moats, and drawbridges, and outer walls; these I had shaved away into + elegant terraces, and handsomely laid out in parterres according to the + plans of Monsieur Cornichon, the great Parisian architect, who visited + England for the purpose. + </p> + <p> + After ascending the outer steps, you entered an antique hall of vast + dimensions, wainscoted with black carved oak, and ornamented with + portraits of our ancestors: from the square beard of Brook Lyndon, the + great lawyer in Queen Bess’s time, to the loose stomacher and ringlets of + Lady Saccharissa Lyndon, whom Vandyck painted when she was a maid of + honour to Queen Henrietta Maria, and down to Sir Charles Lyndon, with his + riband as a knight of the Bath; and my Lady, painted by Hudson, in a white + satin sack and the family diamonds, as she was presented to the old King + George II. These diamonds were very fine: I first had them reset by + Boehmer when we appeared before their French Majesties at Versailles; and + finally raised L18,000 upon them, after that infernal run of ill luck at + ‘Goosetree’s,’ when Jemmy Twitcher (as we called my Lord Sandwich), + Carlisle, Charley Fox, and I played hombre for four-and-forty hours SANS + DESEMPARER. Bows and pikes, huge stag-heads and hunting implements, and + rusty old suits of armour, that may have been worn in the days of Gog and + Magog for what I know, formed the other old ornaments of this huge + apartment; and were ranged round a fireplace where you might have turned a + coach-and-six. This I kept pretty much in its antique condition, but had + the old armour eventually turned out and consigned to the lumber-rooms + upstairs; replacing it with china monsters, gilded settees from France, + and elegant marbles, of which the broken noses and limbs, and ugliness, + undeniably proved their antiquity: and which an agent purchased for me at + Rome. But such was the taste of the times (and, perhaps, the rascality of + my agent), that thirty thousand pounds’ worth of these gems of art only + went for three hundred guineas at a subsequent period, when I found it + necessary to raise money on my collections. + </p> + <p> + From this main hall branched off on either side the long series of + state-rooms, poorly furnished with high-backed chairs and long queer + Venice glasses, when first I came to the property; but afterwards rendered + so splendid by me, with the gold damasks of Lyons and the magnificent + Gobelin tapestries I won from Richelieu at play. There were thirty-six + bedrooms DE MAITRE, of which I only kept three in their antique condition,—the + haunted room as it was called, where the murder was done in James II.‘s + time, the bed where William slept after landing at Torbay, and Queen + Elizabeth’s state-room. All the rest were redecorated by Cornichon in the + most elegant taste; not a little to the scandal of some of the steady old + country dowagers; for I had pictures of Boucher and Vanloo to decorate the + principal apartments, in which the Cupids and Venuses were painted in a + manner so natural, that I recollect the old wizened Countess of + Frumpington pinning over the curtains of her bed, and sending her + daughter, Lady Blanche Whalebone, to sleep with her waiting-woman, rather + than allow her to lie in a chamber hung all over with looking-glasses, + after the exact fashion of the Queen’s closet at Versailles. + </p> + <p> + For many of these ornaments I was not so much answerable as Cornichon, + whom Lauraguais lent me, and who was the intendant of my buildings during + my absence abroad. I had given the man CARTE BLANCHE, and when he fell + down and broke his leg, as he was decorating a theatre in the room which + had been the old chapel of the castle, the people of the country thought + it was a judgment of Heaven upon him. In his rage for improvement the + fellow dared anything. Without my orders he cut down an old rookery which + was sacred in the country, and had a prophecy regarding it, stating, ‘When + the rook-wood shall fall, down goes Hackton Hall.’ The rooks went over and + colonised Tiptoff Woods, which lay near us (and be hanged to them!), and + Cornichon built a temple to Venus and two lovely fountains on their site. + Venuses and Cupids were the rascal’s adoration: he wanted to take down the + Gothic screen and place Cupids in our pew there; but old Doctor Huff the + rector came out with a large oak stick, and addressed the unlucky + architect in Latin, of which he did not comprehend a word, yet made him + understand that he would break his bones if he laid a single finger upon + the sacred edifice. Cornichon made complaints about the ‘Abbe Huff,’ as he + called him. (‘Et quel abbe, grand Dieu!’ added he, quite bewildered, ‘un + abbe avec douze enfans’); but I encouraged the Church in this respect, and + bade Cornichon exert his talents only in the castle. + </p> + <p> + There was a magnificent collection of ancient plate, to which I added much + of the most splendid modern kind; a cellar which, however well furnished, + required continual replenishing, and a kitchen which I reformed + altogether. My friend, Jack Wilkes, sent me down a cook from the Mansion + House, for the English cookery,—the turtle and venison department: I + had a CHEF (who called out the Englishman, by the way, and complained + sadly of the GROS COCHON who wanted to meet him with COUPS DE POING) and a + couple of AIDES from Paris, and an Italian confectioner, as my OFFICIERS + DE BOUCHE. All which natural appendages to a man of fashion, the odious, + stingy old Tiptoff, my kinsman and neighbour, affected to view with + horror; and he spread through the country a report that I had my victuals + cooked by Papists, lived upon frogs, and, he verily believed, fricasseed + little children. + </p> + <p> + But the squires ate my dinners very readily for all that, and old Doctor + Huff himself was compelled to allow that my venison and turtle were most + orthodox. The former gentry I knew how to conciliate, too, in other ways. + There had been only a subscription pack of fox-hounds in the county and a + few beggarly couples of mangy beagles, with which old Tiptoff pattered + about his grounds; I built a kennel and stables, which cost L30,000, and + stocked them in a manner which was worthy of my ancestors, the Irish + kings. I had two packs of hounds, and took the field in the season four + times a week, with three gentlemen in my hunt-uniform to follow me, and + open house at Hackton for all who belonged to the hunt. + </p> + <p> + These changes and this train de vivre required, as may be supposed, no + small outlay; and I confess that I have little of that base spirit of + economy in my composition which some people practise and admire. For + instance, old Tiptoff was hoarding up his money to repair his father’s + extravagance and disencumber his estates; a good deal of the money with + which he paid off his mortgages my agent procured upon mine. And, besides, + it must be remembered I had only a life-interest upon the Lyndon property, + was always of an easy temper in dealing with the money-brokers, and had to + pay heavily for insuring her Ladyship’s life. + </p> + <p> + At the end of a year Lady Lyndon presented me with a son—Bryan + Lyndon I called him, in compliment to my royal ancestry: but what more had + I to leave him than a noble name? Was not the estate of his mother + entailed upon the odious little Turk, Lord Bullingdon? and whom, by the + way, I have not mentioned as yet, though he was living at Hackton, + consigned to a new governor. The insubordination of that boy was dreadful. + He used to quote passages of ‘Hamlet’ to his mother, which made her very + angry. Once when I took a horsewhip to chastise him, he drew a knife, and + would have stabbed me: and, ‘faith, I recollected my own youth, which was + pretty similar; and, holding out my hand, burst out laughing, and proposed + to him to be friends. We were reconciled for that time, and the next, and + the next; but there was no love lost between us, and his hatred for me + seemed to grow as he grew, which was apace. + </p> + <p> + I determined to endow my darling boy Bryan with a property, and to this + end cut down twelve thousand pounds’ worth of timber on Lady Lyndon’s + Yorkshire and Irish estates: at which proceeding Bullingdon’s guardian, + Tiptoff, cried out, as usual, and swore I had no right to touch a stick of + the trees; but down they went; and I commissioned my mother to repurchase + the ancient lands of Ballybarry and Barryogue, which had once formed part + of the immense possessions of my house. These she bought back with + excellent prudence and extreme joy; for her heart was gladdened at the + idea that a son was born to my name, and with the notion of my magnificent + fortunes. + </p> + <p> + To say truth, I was rather afraid, now that I lived in a very different + sphere from that in which she was accustomed to move, lest she should come + to pay me a visit, and astonish my English friends by her bragging and her + brogue, her rouge and her old hoops and furbelows of the time of George + II.: in which she had figured advantageously in her youth, and which she + still fondly thought to be at the height of the fashion. So I wrote to + her, putting off her visit; begging her to visit us when the left wing of + the castle was finished, or the stables built, and so forth. There was no + need of such precaution. ‘A hint’s enough for me, Redmond,’ the old lady + would reply. ‘I am not coming to disturb you among your great English + friends with my old-fashioned Irish ways. It’s a blessing to me to think + that my darling boy has attained the position which I always knew was his + due, and for which I pinched myself to educate him. You must bring me the + little Bryan, that his grandmother may kiss him, one day. Present my + respectful blessing to her Ladyship his mamma. Tell her she has got a + treasure in her husband, which she couldn’t have had had she taken a duke + to marry her; and that the Barrys and the Bradys, though without titles, + have the best of blood in their veins. I shall never rest until I see you + Earl of Ballybarry, and my grandson Lord Viscount Barryogue.’ + </p> + <p> + How singular it was that the very same ideas should be passing in my + mother’s mind and my own! The very title she had pitched upon had also + been selected (naturally enough) by me; and I don’t mind confessing that I + had filled a dozen sheets of paper with my signature, under the names of + Ballybarry and Barryogue, and had determined with my usual impetuosity to + carry my point. My mother went and established herself at Ballybarry, + living with the priest there until a tenement could be erected, and dating + from ‘Ballybarry Castle;’ which, you may be sure, I gave out to be a place + of no small importance. I had a plan of the estate in my study, both at + Hackton and in Berkeley Square, and the plans of the elevation of + Ballybarry Castle, the ancestral residence of Barry Lyndon, Esq., with the + projected improvements, in which the castle was represented as about the + size of Windsor, with more ornaments to the architecture; and eight + hundred acres of bog falling in handy, I purchased them at three pounds an + acre, so that my estate upon the map looked to be no insignificant one. + [Footnote: On the strength of this estate, and pledging his honour that it + was not mortgaged, Mr. Barry Lyndon borrowed L17,000 in the year 1786, + from young Captain Pigeon, the city merchant’s son, who had just come in + for his property. At for the Polwellan estate and mines, ‘the cause of + endless litigation,’ it must be owned that our hero purchased them; but he + never paid more than the first L5000 of the purchase-money. Hence the + litigation of which he complains, and the famous Chancery suit of + ‘Trecothick v. Lyndon,’ in which Mr. John Scott greatly distinguished + himself.-ED.] + </p> + <p> + I also in this year made arrangements for purchasing the Polwellan estate + and mines in Cornwall from Sir John Trecothick, for L70,000—an + imprudent bargain, which was afterwards the cause to me of much dispute + and litigation. The troubles of property, the rascality of agents, the + quibbles of lawyers, are endless. Humble people envy us great men, and + fancy that our lives are all pleasure. Many a time in the course of my + prosperity I have sighed for the days of my meanest fortune, and envied + the boon companions at my table, with no clothes to their backs but such + as my credit supplied them, without a guinea but what came from my pocket; + but without one of the harassing cares and responsibilities which are the + dismal adjuncts of great rank and property. + </p> + <p> + I did little more than make my appearance, and assume the command of my + estates, in the kingdom of Ireland; rewarding generously those persons who + had been kind to me in my former adversities, and taking my fitting place + among the aristocracy of the land. But, in truth, I had small inducements + to remain in it after having tasted of the genteeler and more complete + pleasures of English and Continental life; and we passed our summers at + Buxton, Bath, and Harrogate, while Hackton Castle was being beautified in + the elegant manner already described by me, and the season at our mansion + in Berkeley Square. + </p> + <p> + It is wonderful how the possession of wealth brings out the virtues of a + man; or, at any rate, acts as a varnish or lustre to them, and brings out + their brilliancy and colour in a manner never known when the individual + stood in the cold grey atmosphere of poverty. I assure you it was a very + short time before I was a pretty fellow of the first class; made no small + sensation at the coffee-houses in Pall Mall and afterwards at the most + famous clubs. My style, equipages, and elegant entertainments were in + everybody’s mouth, and were described in all the morning prints. The + needier part of Lady Lyndon’s relatives, and such as had been offended by + the intolerable pomposity of old Tiptoff, began to appear at our routs and + assemblies; and as for relations of my own, I found in London and Ireland + more than I had ever dreamed of, of cousins who claimed affinity with me. + There were, of course, natives of my own country (of which I was not + particularly proud), and I received visits from three or four swaggering + shabby Temple bucks, with tarnished lace and Tipperary brogue, who were + eating their way to the bar in London; from several gambling adventurers + at the watering-places, whom I soon speedily let to know their place; and + from others of more reputable condition. Among them I may mention my + cousin the Lord Kilbarry, who, on the score of his relationship, borrowed + thirty pieces from me to pay his landlady in Swallow Street; and whom, for + my own reasons, I allowed to maintain and credit a connection for which + the Heralds’ College gave no authority whatsoever. Kilbarry had a cover at + my table; punted at play, and paid when he liked, which was seldom; had an + intimacy with, and was under considerable obligations to, my tailor; and + always boasted of his cousin the great Barry Lyndon of the West country. + </p> + <p> + Her Ladyship and I lived, after a while, pretty separate when in London. + She preferred quiet: or to say the truth, I preferred it; being a great + friend to a modest tranquil behaviour in woman, and a taste for the + domestic pleasures. Hence I encouraged her to dine at home with her + ladies, her chaplain, and a few of her friends; admitted three or four + proper and discreet persons to accompany her to her box at the opera or + play on proper occasions; and indeed declined for her the too frequent + visits of her friends and family, preferring to receive them only twice or + thrice in a season on our grand reception days. Besides, she was a mother, + and had great comfort in the dressing, educating, and dandling our little + Bryan, for whose sake it was fit that she should give up the pleasures and + frivolities of the world; so she left THAT part of the duty of every + family of distinction to be performed by me. To say the truth, Lady + Lyndon’s figure and appearance were not at this time such as to make for + their owner any very brilliant appearance in the fashionable world. She + had grown very fat, was short-sighted, pale in complexion, careless about + her dress, dull in demeanour; her conversations with me characterised by a + stupid despair, or a silly blundering attempt at forced cheerfulness still + more disagreeable: hence our intercourse was but trifling, and my + temptations to carry her into the world, or to remain in her society, of + necessity exceedingly small. She would try my temper at home, too, in a + thousand ways. When requested by me (often, I own, rather roughly) to + entertain the company with conversation, wit, and learning, of which she + was a mistress: or music, of which she was an accomplished performer, she + would as often as not begin to cry, and leave the room. My company from + this, of course, fancied I was a tyrant over her; whereas I was only a + severe and careful guardian over a silly, bad-tempered, and weak-minded + lady. + </p> + <p> + She was luckily very fond of her youngest son, and through him I had a + wholesome and effectual hold of her; for if in any of her tantrums or fits + of haughtiness—(this woman was intolerably proud; and repeatedly, at + first, in our quarrels, dared to twit me with my own original poverty and + low birth),—if, I say, in our disputes she pretended to have the + upper hand, to assert her authority against mine, to refuse to sign such + papers as I might think necessary for the distribution of our large and + complicated property, I would have Master Bryan carried off to Chiswick + for a couple of days; and I warrant me his lady-mother could hold out no + longer, and would agree to anything I chose to propose. The servants about + her I took care should be in my pay, not hers: especially the child’s head + nurse was under MY orders, not those of my lady; and a very handsome, + red-cheeked, impudent jade she was; and a great fool she made me make of + myself. This woman was more mistress of the house than the poor-spirited + lady who owned it. She gave the law to the servants; and if I showed any + particular attention to any of the ladies who visited us, the slut would + not scruple to show her jealousy, and to find means to send them packing. + The fact is, a generous man is always made a fool of by some woman or + other, and this one had such an influence over me that she could turn me + round her finger. [Footnote: From these curious confessions, it would + appear that Mr. Lyndon maltreated his lady in every possible way; that he + denied her society, bullied her into signing away her property, spent it + in gambling and taverns, was openly unfaithful to her; and, when she + complained, threatened to remove her children from her. Nor, indeed, is he + the only husband who has done the like, and has passed for ‘nobody’s enemy + but his own:’ a jovial good-natured fellow. The world contains scores of + such amiable people; and, indeed, it is because justice has not been done + them that we have edited this autobiography. Had it been that of a mere + hero of romance—one of those heroic youths who figure in the novels + of Scott and James—there would have been no call to introduce the + reader to a personage already so often and so charmingly depicted. Mr. + Barry Lyndon is not, we repeat, a hero of the common pattern; but let the + reader look round, and ask himself, Do not as many rogues succeed in life + as honest men? more fools than men of talent? And is it not just that the + lives of this class should be described by the student of human nature as + well as the actions of those fairy-tale princes, those perfect impossible + heroes, whom our writers love to describe? There is something naive and + simple in that time-honoured style of novel-writing by which Prince + Prettyman, at the end of his adventures, is put in possession of every + worldly prosperity, as he has been endowed with every mental and bodily + excellence previously. The novelist thinks that he can do no more for his + darling hero than make him a lord. Is it not a poor standard that, of the + summum bonum? The greatest good in life is not to be a lord; perhaps not + even to be happy. Poverty, illness, a humpback, may be rewards and + conditions of good, as well as that bodily prosperity which all of us + unconsciously set up for worship. But this is a subject for an essay, not + a note; and it is best to allow Mr. Lyndon to resume the candid and + ingenious narrative of his virtues and defects.] + </p> + <p> + Her infernal temper (Mrs. Stammer was the jade’s name) and my wife’s moody + despondency, made my house and home not over-pleasant: hence I was driven + a good deal abroad, where, as play was the fashion at every club, tavern, + and assembly, I, of course, was obliged to resume my old habit, and to + commence as an amateur those games at which I was once unrivalled in + Europe. But whether a man’s temper changes with prosperity, or his skill + leaves him when, deprived of a confederate, and pursuing the game no + longer professionally, he joins in it, like the rest of the world, for + pastime, I know not; but certain it is, that in the seasons of 1774-75 I + lost much money at ‘White’s’ and the ‘Cocoa-Tree,’ and was compelled to + meet my losses by borrowing largely upon my wife’s annuities, insuring her + Ladyship’s life, and so forth. The terms at which I raised these necessary + sums and the outlays requisite for my improvements were, of course, very + onerous, and clipped the property considerably; and it was some of these + papers which my Lady Lyndon (who was of a narrow, timid, and stingy turn) + occasionally refused to sign: until I PERSUADED her, as I have before + shown. + </p> + <p> + My dealings on the turf ought to be mentioned, as forming part of my + history at this time; but, in truth, I have no particular pleasure in + recalling my Newmarket doings. I was infernally bit and bubbled in almost + every one of my transactions there; and though I could ride a horse as + well as any man in England, was no match with the English noblemen at + backing him. Fifteen years after my horse, Bay Bulow, by Sophy Hardcastle, + out of Eclipse, lost the Newmarket stakes, for which he was the first + favourite, I found that a noble earl, who shall be nameless, had got into + his stable the morning before he ran; and the consequence was that an + outside horse won, and your humble servant was out to the amount of + fifteen thousand pounds. Strangers had no chance in those days on the + heath: and, though dazzled by the splendour and fashion assembled there, + and surrounded by the greatest persons of the land,—the royal dukes, + with their wives and splendid equipages; old Grafton, with his queer bevy + of company, and such men as Ancaster, Sandwich, Lorn,—a man might + have considered himself certain of fair play and have been not a little + proud of the society he kept; yet, I promise you, that, exalted as it was, + there was no set of men in Europe who knew how to rob more genteelly, to + bubble a stranger, to bribe a jockey, to doctor a horse, or to arrange a + betting-book. Even <i>I</i> couldn’t stand against these accomplished + gamesters of the highest families in Europe. Was it my own want of style, + or my want of fortune? I know not. But now I was arrived at the height of + my ambition, both my skill and my luck seemed to be deserting me. + Everything I touched crumbled in my hand; every speculation I had failed, + every agent I trusted deceived me. I am, indeed, one of those born to + make, and not to keep fortunes; for the qualities and energy which lead a + man to effect the first are often the very causes of his ruin in the + latter case: indeed, I know of no other reason for the misfortunes which + finally befell me. [Footnote: The Memoirs seem to have been written about + the year 1814, in that calm retreat which Fortune had selected for the + author at the close of his life.] + </p> + <p> + I had always a taste for men of letters, and perhaps, if the truth must be + told, have no objection to playing the fine gentleman and patron among the + wits. Such people are usually needy, and of low birth, and have an + instinctive awe and love of a gentleman and a laced coat; as all must have + remarked who have frequented their society. Mr. Reynolds, who was + afterwards knighted, and certainly the most elegant painter of his day, + was a pretty dexterous courtier of the wit tribe; and it was through this + gentleman, who painted a piece of me, Lady Lyndon, and our little Bryan, + which was greatly admired at the Exhibition (I was represented as quitting + my wife, in the costume of the Tippleton Yeomanry, of which I was major; + the child starting back from my helmet like what-d’ye-call’im—Hector’s + son, as described by Mr. Pope in his ‘Iliad’); it was through Mr. Reynolds + that I was introduced to a score of these gentlemen, and their great + chief, Mr. Johnson. I always thought their great chief a great bear. He + drank tea twice or thrice at my house, misbehaving himself most grossly; + treating my opinions with no more respect than those of a schoolboy, and + telling me to mind my horses and tailors, and not trouble myself about + letters. His Scotch bear-leader, Mr. Boswell, was a butt of the first + quality. I never saw such a figure as the fellow cut in what he called a + Corsican habit, at one of Mrs. Cornely’s balls, at Carlisle House, Soho. + But that the stories connected with that same establishment are not the + most profitable tales in the world, I could tell tales of scores of queer + doings there. All the high and low demireps of the town gathered there, + from his Grace of Ancaster down to my countryman, poor Mr. Oliver Goldsmith + the poet, and from the Duchess of Kingston down to the Bird of Paradise, + or Kitty Fisher. Here I have met very queer characters, who came to queer + ends too: poor Hackman, that afterwards was hanged for killing Miss Reay, + and (on the sly) his Reverence Doctor Simony, whom my friend Sam Foote, of + the ‘Little Theatre,’ bade to live even after forgery and the rope cut + short the unlucky parson’s career. + </p> + <p> + It was a merry place, London, in those days, and that’s the truth. I’m + writing now in my gouty old age, and people have grown vastly more moral + and matter-of-fact than they were at the close of the last century, when + the world was young with me. There was a difference between a gentleman + and a common fellow in those times. We wore silk and embroidery then. Now + every man has the same coachmanlike look in his belcher and caped coat, + and there is no outward difference between my Lord and his groom. Then it + took a man of fashion a couple of hours to make his toilette, and he could + show some taste and genius in the selecting it. What a blaze of splendour + was a drawing-room, or an opera, of a gala night! What sums of money were + lost and won at the delicious faro-table! My gilt curricle and out-riders, + blazing in green and gold, were very different objects from the equipages + you see nowadays in the ring, with the stunted grooms behind them. A man + could drink four times as much as the milksops nowadays can swallow; but + ‘tis useless expatiating on this theme. Gentlemen are dead and gone. The + fashion has now turned upon your soldiers and sailors, and I grow quite + moody and sad when I think of thirty years ago. + </p> + <p> + This is a chapter devoted to reminiscences of what was a very happy and + splendid time with me, but presenting little of mark in the way of + adventure; as is generally the case when times are happy and easy. It + would seem idle to fill pages with accounts of the every-day occupations + of a man of fashion,—the fair ladies who smiled upon him, the + dresses he wore, the matches he played, and won or lost. At this period of + time, when youngsters are employed cutting the Frenchmen’s throats in + Spain and France, lying out in bivouacs, and feeding off commissariat beef + and biscuit, they would not understand what a life their ancestors led; + and so I shall leave further discourse upon the pleasures of the times + when even the Prince was a lad in leading-strings, when Charles Fox had + not subsided into a mere statesman, and Buonaparte was a beggarly brat in + his native island. + </p> + <p> + Whilst these improvements were going on in my estates,—my house, + from an antique Norman castle, being changed to an elegant Greek temple, + or palace—my gardens and woods losing their rustic appearance to be + adapted to the most genteel French style—my child growing up at his + mother’s knees, and my influence in the country increasing,—it must + not be imagined that I stayed in Devonshire all this while, and that I + neglected to make visits to London, and my various estates in England and + Ireland. + </p> + <p> + I went to reside at the Trecothick estate and the Polwellan Wheal, where I + found, instead of profit, every kind of pettifogging chicanery; I passed + over in state to our territories in Ireland, where I entertained the + gentry in a style the Lord Lieutenant himself could not equal; gave the + fashion to Dublin (to be sure it was a beggarly savage city in those days; + and, since the time there has been a pother about the Union, and the + misfortunes attending it, I have been at a loss to account for the mad + praises of the old order of things, which the fond Irish patriots have + invented); I say I set the fashion to Dublin; and small praise to me, for + a poor place it was in those times, whatever the Irish party may say. + </p> + <p> + In a former chapter I have given you a description of it. It was the + Warsaw of our part of the world: there was a splendid, ruined, + half-civilised nobility, ruling over a half-savage population. I say + half-savage advisedly. The commonalty in the streets were wild, unshorn, + and in rags. The most public places were not safe after nightfall. The + College, the public buildings, and the great gentry’s houses were splendid + (the latter unfinished for the most part); but the people were in a state + more wretched than any vulgar I have ever known: the exercise of their + religion was only half allowed to them; their clergy were forced to be + educated out of the country; their aristocracy was quite distinct from + them; there was a Protestant nobility, and in the towns, poor insolent + Protestant corporations, with a bankrupt retinue of mayors, aldermen, and + municipal officers—all of whom figured in addresses and had the + public voice in the country; but there was no sympathy and connection + between the upper and the lower people of the Irish. To one who had been + bred so much abroad as myself, this difference between Catholic and + Protestant was doubly striking; and though as firm as a rock in my own + faith, yet I could not help remembering my grandfather held a different + one, and wondering that there should be such a political difference + between the two. I passed among my neighbours for a dangerous leveller, + for entertaining and expressing such opinions, and especially for asking + the priest of the parish to my table at Castle Lyndon. He was a gentleman, + educated at Salamanca, and, to my mind, a far better bred and more + agreeable companion than his comrade the rector, who had but a dozen + Protestants for his congregation; who was a lord’s son, to be sure, but he + could hardly spell, and the great field of his labours was in the kennel + and cockpit. + </p> + <p> + I did not extend and beautify the house of Castle Lyndon as I had done our + other estates, but contented myself with paying an occasional visit there; + exercising an almost royal hospitality, and keeping open house during my + stay. When absent, I gave to my aunt, the widow Brady, and her six + unmarried daughters (although they always detested me), permission to + inhabit the place; my mother preferring my new mansion of Barryogue. + </p> + <p> + And as my Lord Bullingdon was by this time grown excessively tall and + troublesome, I determined to leave him under the care of a proper governor + in Ireland, with Mrs. Brady and her six daughters to take care of him; and + he was welcome to fall in love with all the old ladies if he were so + minded, and thereby imitate his stepfather’s example. When tired of Castle + Lyndon, his Lordship was at liberty to go and reside at my house with my + mamma; but there was no love lost between him and her, and, on account of + my son Bryan, I think she hated him as cordially as ever I myself could + possibly do. + </p> + <p> + The county of Devon is not so lucky as the neighbouring county of + Cornwall, and has not the share of representatives which the latter + possesses; where I have known a moderate country gentleman, with a few + score of hundreds per annum from his estate, treble his income by + returning three or four Members to Parliament, and by the influence with + Ministers which these seats gave him. The parliamentary interest of the + house of Lyndon had been grossly neglected during my wife’s minority, and + the incapacity of the Earl her father; or, to speak more correctly, it had + been smuggled away from the Lyndon family altogether by the adroit old + hypocrite of Tiptoff Castle, who acted as most kinsmen and guardians do by + their wards and relatives, and robbed them. The Marquess of Tiptoff + returned four Members to Parliament: two for the borough of Tippleton, + which, as all the world knows, lies at the foot of our estate of Hackton, + bounded on the other side by Tiptoff Park. For time out of mind we had + sent Members for that borough, until Tiptoff, taking advantage of the late + lord’s imbecility, put in his own nominees. When his eldest son became of + age, of course my Lord was to take his seat for Tippleton; when Rigby + (Nabob Rigby, who made his fortune under Clive in India) died, the + Marquess thought fit to bring down his second son, my Lord George + Poynings, to whom I have introduced the reader in a former chapter, and + determined, in his high mightiness, that he too should go in and swell the + ranks of the Opposition—the big old Whigs, with whom the Marquess + acted. + </p> + <p> + Rigby had been for some time in an ailing condition previous to his + demise, and you may be sure that the circumstance of his failing health + had not been passed over by the gentry of the county, who were staunch + Government men for the most part, and hated my Lord Tiptoff’s principles + as dangerous and ruinous, ‘We have been looking out for a man to fight + against him,’ said the squires to me; ‘we can only match Tiptoff out of + Hackton Castle. You, Mr. Lyndon, are our man, and at the next county + election we will swear to bring you in.’ + </p> + <p> + I hated the Tiptoffs so, that I would have fought them at any election. + They not only would not visit at Hackton, but declined to receive those + who visited us; they kept the women of the county from receiving my wife: + they invented half the wild stories of my profligacy and extravagance with + which the neighbourhood was entertained; they said I had frightened my + wife into marriage, and that she was a lost woman; they hinted that + Bullingdon’s life was not secure under my roof, that his treatment was + odious, and that I wanted to put him out of the way to make place for + Bryan my son. I could scarce have a friend to Hackton, but they counted + the bottles drunk at my table. They ferreted out my dealings with my + lawyers and agents. If a creditor was unpaid, every item of his bill was + known at Tiptoff Hall; if I looked at a farmer’s daughter, it was said I + had ruined her. My faults are many, I confess, and as a domestic + character, I can’t boast of any particular regularity or temper; but Lady + Lyndon and I did not quarrel more than fashionable people do, and, at + first, we always used to make it up pretty well. I am a man full of + errors, certainly, but not the devil that these odious backbiters at + Tiptoff represented me to be. For the first three years I never struck my + wife but when I was in liquor. When I flung the carving-knife at + Bullingdon I was drunk, as everybody present can testify; but as for + having any systematic scheme against the poor lad, I can declare solemnly + that, beyond merely hating him (and one’s inclinations are not in one’s + power), I am guilty of no evil towards him. + </p> + <p> + I had sufficient motives, then, for enmity against the Tiptoffs, and am + not a man to let a feeling of that kind lie inactive. Though a Whig, or, + perhaps, because a Whig, the Marquess was one of the haughtiest men + breathing, and treated commoners as his idol the great Earl used to treat + them—after he came to a coronet himself—as so many low + vassals, who might be proud to lick his shoe-buckle. When the Tippleton + mayor and corporation waited upon him, he received them covered, never + offered Mr. Mayor a chair, but retired when the refreshments were brought, + or had them served to the worshipful aldermen in the steward’s room. These + honest Britons never rebelled against such treatment, until instructed to + do so by my patriotism. No, the dogs liked to be bullied; and, in the + course of a long experience, I have met with but very few Englishmen who + are not of their way of thinking. + </p> + <p> + It was not until I opened their eyes that they knew their degradation. I + invited the Mayor to Hackton, and Mrs. Mayoress (a very buxom pretty + groceress she was, by the way) I made sit by my wife, and drove them both + out to the races in my curricle. Lady Lyndon fought very hard against this + condescension; but I had a way with her, as the saying is, and though she + had a temper, yet I had a better one. A temper, psha! A wild-cat has a + temper, but a keeper can get the better of it; and I know very few women + in the world whom I could not master. + </p> + <p> + Well, I made much of the mayor and corporation; sent them bucks for their + dinners, or asked them to mine; made a point of attending their + assemblies, dancing with their wives and daughters, going through, in + short, all the acts of politeness which are necessary on such occasions: + and though old Tiptoff must have seen my goings on, yet his head was so + much in the clouds, that he never once condescended to imagine his dynasty + could be overthrown in his own town of Tippleton, and issued his mandates + as securely as if he had been the Grand Turk, and the Tippletonians no + better than so many slaves of his will. + </p> + <p> + Every post which brought us any account of Rigby’s increasing illness, was + the sure occasion of a dinner from me; so much so, that my friends of the + hunt used to laugh and say, ‘Rigby’s worse; there’s a corporation dinner + at Hackton.’ + </p> + <p> + It was in 1776, when the American war broke out, that I came into + Parliament. My Lord Chatham, whose wisdom his party in those days used to + call superhuman, raised his oracular voice in the House of Peers against + the American contest; and my countryman, Mr. Burke—a great + philosopher, but a plaguy long-winded orator—was the champion of the + rebels in the Commons—where, however, thanks to British patriotism, + he could get very few to back him. Old Tiptoff would have sworn black was + white if the great Earl had bidden him; and he made his son give up his + commission in the Guards, in imitation of my Lord Pitt, who resigned his + ensigncy rather than fight against what he called his American brethren. + </p> + <p> + But this was a height of patriotism extremely little relished in England, + where, ever since the breaking out of hostilities, our people hated the + Americans heartily; and where, when we heard of the fight of Lexington, + and the glorious victory of Bunker’s Hill (as we used to call it in those + days), the nation flushed out in its usual hot-headed anger. The talk was + all against the philosophers after that, and the people were most + indomitably loyal. It was not until the land-tax was increased, that the + gentry began to grumble a little; but still my party in the West was very + strong against the Tiptoffs, and I determined to take the field and win as + usual. + </p> + <p> + The old Marquess neglected every one of the decent precautions which are + requisite in a parliamentary campaign. He signified to the corporation and + freeholders his intention of presenting his son, Lord George, and his + desire that the latter should be elected their burgess; but he scarcely + gave so much as a glass of beer to whet the devotedness of his adherents: + and I, as I need not say, engaged every tavern in Tippleton in my behalf. + </p> + <p> + There is no need to go over the twenty-times-told tale of an election. I + rescued the borough of Tippleton from the hands of Lord Tiptoff and his + son, Lord George. I had a savage sort of satisfaction, too, in forcing my + wife (who had been at one time exceedingly smitten by her kinsman, as I + have already related) to take part against him, and to wear and distribute + my colours when the day of election came. And when we spoke at one + another, I told the crowd that I had beaten Lord George in love, that I + had beaten him in war, and that I would now beat him in Parliament; and so + I did, as the event proved: for, to the inexpressible anger of the old + Marquess, Barry Lyndon, Esquire, was returned member of Parliament for + Tippleton, in place of John Rigby, Esquire, deceased; and I threatened him + at the next election to turn him out of BOTH his seats, and went to attend + my duties in Parliament. + </p> + <p> + It was then I seriously determined on achieving for myself the Irish + peerage, to be enjoyed after me by my beloved son and heir. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0018" id="link2HCH0018"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVIII. MY GOOD FORTUNE BEGINS TO WAVER + </h2> + <p> + And now, if any people should be disposed to think my history immoral (for + I have heard some assert that I was a man who never deserved that so much + prosperity should fall to my share), I will beg those cavillers to do me + the favour to read the conclusion of my adventures; when they will see it + was no such great prize that I had won, and that wealth, splendour, thirty + thousand per annum, and a seat in Parliament, are often purchased at too + dear a rate, when one has to buy those enjoyments at the price of personal + liberty, and saddled with the charge of a troublesome wife. + </p> + <p> + They are the deuce, these troublesome wives, and that is the truth. No man + knows until he tries how wearisome and disheartening the burthen of one of + them is, and how the annoyance grows and strengthens from year to year, + and the courage becomes weaker to bear it; so that that trouble which + seemed light and trivial the first year, becomes intolerable ten years + after. I have heard of one of the classical fellows in the dictionary who + began by carrying a calf up a hill every day, and so continued until the + animal grew to be a bull, which he still easily accommodated upon his + shoulders; but take my word for it, young unmarried gentlemen, a wife is a + very much harder pack to the back than the biggest heifer in Smithfield + and, if I can prevent one of you from marrying, the ‘Memoirs of Barry + Lyndon, Esq.’ will not be written in vain. Not that my Lady was a scold or + a shrew, as some wives are; I could have managed to have cured her of + that; but she was of a cowardly, crying, melancholy, maudlin temper, which + is to me still more odious: do what one would to please her, she would + never be happy or in good-humour. I left her alone after a while; and + because, as was natural in my case, where a disagreeable home obliged me + to seek amusement and companions abroad, she added a mean detestable + jealousy to all her other faults: I could not for some time pay the + commonest attention to any other woman, but my Lady Lyndon must weep, and + wring her hands, and threaten to commit suicide, and I know not what. + </p> + <p> + Her death would have been no comfort to me, as I leave any person of + common prudence to imagine; for that scoundrel of a young Bullingdon (who + was now growing up a tall, gawky, swarthy lad, and about to become my + greatest plague and annoyance) would have inherited every penny of the + property, and I should have been left considerably poorer even than when I + married the widow: for I spent my personal fortune as well as the lady’s + income in the keeping up of our rank, and was always too much a man of + honour and spirit to save a penny of Lady Lyndon’s income. Let this be + flung in the teeth of my detractors, who say I never could have so injured + the Lyndon property had I not been making a private purse for myself; and + who believe that, even in my present painful situation, I have hoards of + gold laid by somewhere, and could come out as a Croesus when I choose. I + never raised a shilling upon Lady Lyndon’s property but I spent it like a + man of honour; besides incurring numberless personal obligations for + money, which all went to the common stock. Independent of the Lyndon + mortgages and incumbrances, I owe myself at least one hundred and twenty + thousand pounds, which I spent while in occupancy of my wife’s estate; so + that I may justly say that property is indebted to me in the + above-mentioned sum. + </p> + <p> + Although I have described the utter disgust and distaste which speedily + took possession of my breast as regarded Lady Lyndon; and although I took + no particular pains (for I am all frankness and above-board) to disguise + my feelings in general, yet she was of such a mean spirit, that she + pursued me with her regard in spite of my indifference to her, and would + kindle up at the smallest kind word I spoke to her. The fact is, between + my respected reader and myself, that I was one of the handsomest and most + dashing young men of England in those days, and my wife was violently in + love with me; and though I say it who shouldn’t, as the phrase goes, my + wife was not the only woman of rank in London who had a favourable opinion + of the humble Irish adventurer. What a riddle these women are, I have + often thought! I have seen the most elegant creatures at St. James’s grow + wild for love of the coarsest and most vulgar of men; the cleverest women + passionately admire the most illiterate of our sex, and so on. There is no + end to the contrariety in the foolish creatures; and though I don’t mean + to hint that <i>I</i> am vulgar or illiterate, as the persons mentioned + above (I would cut the throat of any man who dared to whisper a word + against my birth or my breeding), yet I have shown that Lady Lyndon had + plenty of reason to dislike me if she chose: but, like the rest of her + silly sex, she was governed by infatuation, not reason; and, up to the + very last day of our being together, would be reconciled to me, and fondle + me, if I addressed her a single kind word. + </p> + <p> + ‘Ah,’ she would say, in these moments of tenderness—‘Ah, REDMOND, if + you would always be so!’ And in these fits of love she was the most easy + creature in the world to be persuaded, and would have signed away her + whole property, had it been possible. And, I must confess, it was with + very little attention on my part that I could bring her into good-humour. + To walk with her on the Mall, or at Ranelagh, to attend her to church at + St. James’s, to purchase any little present or trinket for her, was enough + to coax her. Such is female inconsistency! The next day she would be + calling me ‘Mr. Barry’ probably, and be bemoaning her miserable fate that + she ever should have been united to such a monster. So it was she was + pleased to call one of the most brilliant men in His Majesty’s three + kingdoms: and I warrant me OTHER ladies had a much more flattering opinion + of me. + </p> + <p> + Then she would threaten to leave me; but I had a hold of her in the person + of her son, of whom she was passionately fond: I don’t know why, for she + had always neglected Bullingdon her older son, and never bestowed a + thought upon his health, his welfare, or his education. + </p> + <p> + It was our young boy, then, who formed the great bond of union between me + and her Ladyship; and there was no plan of ambition I could propose in + which she would not join for the poor lad’s behoof, and no expense she + would not eagerly incur, if it might by any means be shown to tend to his + advancement. I can tell you, bribes were administered, and in high places + too,—so near the royal person of His Majesty, that you would be + astonished were I to mention what great personages condescended to receive + our loans. I got from the English and Irish heralds a description and + detailed pedigree of the Barony of Barryogue, and claimed respectfully to + be reinstated in my ancestral titles, and also to be rewarded with the + Viscounty of Ballybarry. ‘This head would become a coronet,’ my Lady would + sometimes say, in her fond moments, smoothing down my hair; and, indeed, + there is many a puny whipster in their Lordships’ house who has neither my + presence nor my courage, my pedigree, nor any of my merits. + </p> + <p> + The striving after this peerage I considered to have been one of the most + unlucky of all my unlucky dealings at this period. I made unheard-of + sacrifices to bring it about. I lavished money here and diamonds there. I + bought lands at ten times their value; purchased pictures and articles of + vertu at ruinous prices. I gave repeated entertainments to those friends + to my claims who, being about the Royal person, were likely to advance it. + I lost many a bet to the Royal Dukes His Majesty’s brothers; but let these + matters be forgotten, and, because of my private injuries, let me not be + deficient in loyalty to my Sovereign. + </p> + <p> + The only person in this transaction whom I shall mention openly, is that + old scamp and swindler, Gustavus Adolphus, thirteenth Earl of Crabs. This + nobleman was one of the gentlemen of His Majesty’s closet, and one with + whom the revered monarch was on terms of considerable intimacy. A close + regard had sprung up between them in the old King’s time; when His Royal + Highness, playing at battledore and shuttlecock with the young lord on the + landing-place of the great staircase at Kew, in some moment of irritation + the Prince of Wales kicked the young Earl downstairs, who, falling, broke + his leg. The Prince’s hearty repentance for his violence caused him to + ally himself closely with the person whom he had injured; and when His + Majesty came to the throne there was no man, it is said, of whom the Earl + of Bute was so jealous as of my Lord Crabs. The latter was poor and + extravagant, and Bute got him out of the way, by sending him on the + Russian and other embassies; but on this favourite’s dismissal, Crabs sped + back from the Continent, and was appointed almost immediately to a place + about His Majesty’s person. + </p> + <p> + It was with this disreputable nobleman that I contracted an unluckly + intimacy; when, fresh and unsuspecting, I first established myself in + town, after my marriage with Lady Lyndon: and, as Crabs was really one of + the most entertaining fellows in the world, I took a sincere pleasure in + his company; besides the interesting desire I had in cultivating the + society of a man who was so near the person of the highest personage in + the realm. + </p> + <p> + To hear the fellow, you would fancy that there was scarce any appointment + made in which he had not a share. He told me, for instance, of Charles Fox + being turned out of his place a day before poor Charley himself was aware + of the fact. He told me when the Howes were coming back from America, and + who was to succeed to the command there. Not to multiply instances, it was + upon this person that I fixed my chief reliance for the advancement of my + claim to the Barony of Barryogue and the Viscounty which I proposed to + get. + </p> + <p> + One of the main causes of expense which this ambition of mine entailed + upon me was the fitting out and arming a company of infantry from the + Castle Lyndon and Hackton estates in Ireland, which I offered to my + gracious Sovereign for the campaign against the American rebels. These + troops, superbly equipped and clothed, were embarked at Portsmouth in the + year 1778; and the patriotism of the gentleman who had raised them was so + acceptable at Court, that, on being presented by my Lord North, His + Majesty condescended to notice me particularly, and said, ‘That’s right, + Mr. Lyndon, raise another company; and go with them, too!’ But this was by + no means, as the reader may suppose, to my notions. A man with thirty + thousand pounds per annum is a fool to risk his life like a common beggar: + and on this account I have always admired the conduct of my friend Jack + Bolter, who had been a most active and resolute cornet of horse, and, as + such, engaged in every scrape and skirmish which could fall to his lot; + but just before the battle of Minden he received news that his uncle, the + great army contractor, was dead, and had left him five thousand per annum. + Jack that instant applied for leave; and, as it was refused him on the eve + of a general action, my gentleman took it, and never fired a pistol again: + except against an officer who questioned his courage, and whom he winged + in such a cool and determined manner, as showed all the world that it was + from prudence and a desire of enjoying his money, not from cowardice, that + he quitted the profession of arms. + </p> + <p> + When this Hackton company was raised, my stepson, who was now sixteen + years of age, was most eager to be allowed to join it, and I would have + gladly consented to have been rid of the young man; but his guardian, Lord + Tiptoff, who thwarted me in everything, refused his permission, and the + lad’s military inclinations were balked. If he could have gone on the + expedition, and a rebel rifle had put an end to him, I believe, to tell + the truth, I should not have been grieved over-much; and I should have had + the pleasure of seeing my other son the heir to the estate which his + father had won with so much pains. + </p> + <p> + The education of this young nobleman had been, I confess, some of the + loosest; and perhaps the truth is, I DID neglect the brat. He was of so + wild, savage, and insubordinate a nature, that I never had the least + regard for him; and before me and his mother, at least, was so moody and + dull, that I thought instruction thrown away upon him, and left him for + the most part to shift for himself. For two whole years he remained in + Ireland away from us; and when in England, we kept him mainly at Hackton, + never caring to have the uncouth ungainly lad in the genteel company in + the capital in which we naturally mingled. My own poor boy, on the + contrary, was the most polite and engaging child ever seen: it was a + pleasure to treat him with kindness and distinction; and before he was + five years old, the little fellow was the pink of fashion, beauty, and + good breeding. + </p> + <p> + In fact he could not have been otherwise, with the care both his parents + bestowed upon him, and the attentions that were lavished upon him in every + way. When he was four years old, I quarrelled with the English nurse who + had attended upon him, and about whom my wife had been so jealous, and + procured for him a French gouvernante, who had lived with families of the + first quality in Paris; and who, of course, must set my Lady Lyndon + jealous too. Under the care of this young woman my little rogue learned to + chatter French most charmingly. It would have done your heart good to hear + the dear rascal swear Mort de ma vie! and to see him stamp his little + foot, and send the manants and canaille of the domestics to the trente + mille diables. He was precocious in all things: at a very early age he + would mimic everybody; at five, he would sit at table, and drink his glass + of champagne with the best of us; and his nurse would teach him little + French catches, and the last Parisian songs of Vade and Collard,—pretty + songs they were too; and would make such of his hearers as understood + French burst with laughing, and, I promise you, scandalise some of the old + dowagers who were admitted into the society of his mamma: not that there + were many of them; for I did not encourage the visits of what you call + respectable people to Lady Lyndon. They are sad spoilers of sport,—tale-bearers, + envious narrow-minded people; making mischief between man and wife. + Whenever any of these grave personages in hoops and high heels used to + make their appearance at Hackton, or in Berkeley Square, it was my chief + pleasure to frighten them off; and I would make my little Bryan dance, + sing, and play the diable a quatre, and aid him myself, so as to scare the + old frumps. + </p> + <p> + I never shall forget the solemn remonstrances of our old square-toes of a + rector at Hackton, who made one or two vain attempts to teach little Bryan + Latin, and with whose innumerable children I sometimes allowed the boy to + associate. They learned some of Bryan’s French songs from him, which their + mother, a poor soul who understood pickles and custards much better than + French, used fondly to encourage them in singing; but which their father + one day hearing, he sent Miss Sarah to her bedroom and bread and water for + a week, and solemnly horsed Master Jacob in the presence of all his + brothers and sisters, and of Bryan, to whom he hoped that flogging would + act as a warning. But my little rogue kicked and plunged at the old + parson’s shins until he was obliged to get his sexton to hold him down, + and swore, corbleu, morbleu, ventrebleu, that his young friend Jacob + should not be maltreated. After this scene, his reverence forbade Bryan + the rectory-house; on which I swore that his eldest son, who was bringing + up for the ministry, should never have the succession of the living of + Hackton, which I had thoughts of bestowing on him; and his father said, + with a canting hypocritical air, which I hate, that Heaven’s will must be + done; that he would not have his children disobedient or corrupted for the + sake of a bishopric, and wrote me a pompous and solemn letter, charged + with Latin quotations, taking farewell of me and my house. ‘I do so with + regret,’ added the old gentleman, ‘for I have received so many kindnesses + from the Hackton family that it goes to my heart to be disunited from + them. My poor, I fear, may suffer in consequence of my separation from + you, and my being hence-forward unable to bring to your notice instances + of distress and affliction; which, when they were known to you, I will do + you the justice to say, your generosity was always prompt to relieve.’ + </p> + <p> + There may have been some truth in this, for the old gentleman was + perpetually pestering me with petitions, and I know for a certainty, from + his own charities, was often without a shilling in his pocket; but I + suspect the good dinners at Hackton had a considerable share in causing + his regrets at the dissolution of our intimacy: and I know that his wife + was quite sorry to forego the acquaintance of Bryan’s gouvernante, + Mademoiselle Louison, who had all the newest French fashions at her + fingers’ ends, and who never went to the rectory but you would see the + girls of the family turn out in new sacks or mantles the Sunday after. + </p> + <p> + I used to punish the old rebel by snoring very loud in my pew on Sundays + during sermon-time; and I got a governor presently for Bryan, and a + chaplain of my own, when he became of age sufficient to be separated from + the women’s society and guardianship. His English nurse I married to my + head gardener, with a handsome portion; his French gouvernante I bestowed + upon my faithful German Fritz, not forgetting the dowry in the latter + instance; and they set up a French dining-house in Soho, and I believe at + the time I write they are richer in the world’s goods than their generous + and free-handed master. + </p> + <p> + For Bryan I now got a young gentleman from Oxford, the Rev. Edmund + Lavender, who was commissioned to teach him Latin, when the boy was in the + humour, and to ground him in history, grammar, and the other + qualifications of a gentleman. Lavender was a precious addition to our + society at Hackton. He was the means of making a deal of fun there. He was + the butt of all our jokes, and bore them with the most admirable and + martyrlike patience. He was one of that sort of men who would rather be + kicked by a great man than not be noticed by him; and I have often put his + wig into the fire in the face of the company, when he would laugh at the + joke as well as any man there. It was a delight to put him on a + high-mettled horse, and send him after the hounds,—pale, sweating, + calling on us, for Heaven’s sake, to stop, and holding on for dear life by + the mane and the crupper. How it happened that the fellow was never killed + I know not; but I suppose hanging is the way in which HIS neck will be + broke. He never met with any accident, to speak of, in our + hunting-matches: but you were pretty sure to find him at dinner in his + place at the bottom of the table making the punch, whence he would be + carried off fuddled to bed before the night was over. Many a time have + Bryan and I painted his face black on those occasions. We put him into a + haunted room, and frightened his soul out of his body with ghosts; we let + loose cargoes of rats upon his bed; we cried fire, and filled his boots + with water; we cut the legs of his preaching-chair, and filled his + sermon-book with snuff. Poor Lavender bore it all with patience; and at + our parties, or when we came to London, was amply repaid by being allowed + to sit with the gentlefolks, and to fancy himself in the society of men of + fashion. It was good to hear the contempt with which he talked about our + rector. ‘He has a son, sir, who is a servitor: and a servitor at a small + college,’ he would say. ‘How COULD you, my dear sir, think of giving the + reversion of Hackton to such a low-bred creature?’ + </p> + <p> + I should now speak of my other son, at least my Lady Lyndon’s: I mean the + Viscount Bullingdon. I kept him in Ireland for some years, under the + guardianship of my mother, whom I had installed at Castle Lyndon; and + great, I promise you, was her state in that occupation, and prodigious the + good soul’s splendour and haughty bearing. With all her oddities, the + Castle Lyndon estate was the best managed of all our possessions; the + rents were excellently paid, the charges of getting them in smaller than + they would have been under the management of any steward. It was + astonishing what small expenses the good widow incurred; although she kept + up the dignity of the TWO families, as she would say. She had a set of + domestics to attend upon the young lord; she never went out herself but in + an old gilt coach and six; the house was kept clean and tight; the + furniture and gardens in the best repair; and, in our occasional visits to + Ireland, we never found any house we visited in such good condition as our + own. There were a score of ready serving-lasses, and half as many trim men + about the castle; and everything in as fine condition as the best + housekeeper could make it. All this she did with scarcely any charges to + us: for she fed sheep and cattle in the parks, and made a handsome profit + of them at Ballinasloe; she supplied I don’t know how many towns with + butter and bacon; and the fruit and vegetables from the gardens of Castle + Lyndon got the highest prices in Dublin market. She had no waste in the + kitchen, as there used to be in most of our Irish houses; and there was no + consumption of liquor in the cellars, for the old lady drank water, and + saw little or no company. All her society was a couple of the girls of my + ancient flame Nora Brady, now Mrs. Quin; who with her husband had spent + almost all their property, and who came to see me once in London, looking + very old, fat, and slatternly, with two dirty children at her side. She + wept very much when she saw me, called me ‘Sir,’ and ‘Mr. Lyndon,’ at + which I was not sorry, and begged me to help her husband; which I did, + getting him, through my friend Lord Crabs, a place in the excise in + Ireland, and paying the passage of his family and himself to that country. + I found him a dirty, cast-down, snivelling drunkard; and, looking at poor + Nora, could not but wonder at the days when I had thought her a divinity. + But if ever I have had a regard for a woman, I remain through life her + constant friend, and could mention a thousand such instances of my + generous and faithful disposition. + </p> + <p> + Young Bullingdon, however, was almost the only person with whom she was + concerned that my mother could not keep in order. The accounts she sent me + of him at first were such as gave my paternal heart considerable pain. He + rejected all regularity and authority. He would absent himself for weeks + from the house on sporting or other expeditions. He was when at home + silent and queer, refusing to make my mother’s game at piquet of evenings, + but plunging into all sorts of musty old books, with which he muddled his + brains; more at ease laughing and chatting with the pipers and maids in + the servants’ hall, than with the gentry in the drawing-room; always + cutting jibes and jokes at Mrs. Barry, at which she (who was rather a slow + woman at repartee) would chafe violently: in fact, leading a life of + insubordination and scandal. And, to crown all, the young scapegrace took + to frequenting the society of the Romish priest of the parish—a + threadbare rogue, from some Popish seminary in France or Spain—rather + than the company of the vicar of Castle Lyndon, a gentleman of Trinity, + who kept his hounds and drank his two bottles a day. + </p> + <p> + Regard for the lad’s religion made me not hesitate then how I should act + towards him. If I have any principle which has guided me through life, it + has been respect for the Establishment, and a hearty scorn and abhorrence + of all other forms of belief. I therefore sent my French body-servant, in + the year 17—, to Dublin with a commission to bring the young + reprobate over; and the report brought to me was that he had passed the + whole of the last night of his stay in Ireland with his Popish friend at + the mass-house; that he and my mother had a violent quarrel on the very + last day; that, on the contrary, he kissed Biddy and Dosy, her two nieces, + who seemed very sorry that he should go; and that being pressed to go and + visit the rector, he absolutely refused, saying he was a wicked old + Pharisee, inside whose doors he would never set his foot. The doctor wrote + me a letter, warning me against the deplorable errors of this young imp of + perdition, as he called him; and I could see that there was no love lost + between them. But it appeared that, if not agreeable to the gentry of the + country, young Bullingdon had a huge popularity among the common people. + There was a regular crowd weeping round the gate when his coach took its + departure. Scores of the ignorant savage wretches ran for miles along by + the side of the chariot; and some went even so far as to steal away before + his departure, and appear at the Pigeon-House at Dublin to bid him a last + farewell. It was with considerable difficulty that some of these people + could be kept from secreting themselves in the vessel, and accompanying + their young lord to England. + </p> + <p> + To do the young scoundrel justice, when he came among us, he was a manly + noble-looking lad, and everything in his bearing and appearance betokened + the high blood from which he came. He was the very portrait of some of the + dark cavaliers of the Lyndon race, whose pictures hung in the gallery at + Hackton: where the lad was fond of spending the chief part of his time, + occupied with the musty old books which he took out of the library, and + which I hate to see a young man of spirit poring over. Always in my + company he preserved the most rigid silence, and a haughty scornful + demeanour; which was so much the more disagreeable because there was + nothing in his behaviour I could actually take hold of to find fault with: + although his whole conduct was insolent and supercilious to the highest + degree. His mother was very much agitated at receiving him on his arrival; + if he felt any such agitation he certainly did not show it. He made her a + very low and formal bow when he kissed her hand; and, when I held out + mine, put both his hands behind his back, stared me full in the face, and + bent his head, saying, ‘Mr. Barry Lyndon, I believe;’ turned on his heel, + and began talking about the state of the weather to his mother, whom he + always styled ‘Your Ladyship.’ She was angry at this pert bearing, and, + when they were alone, rebuked him sharply for not shaking hands with his + father. + </p> + <p> + ‘My father, madam?’ said he; ‘surely you mistake. My father was the Right + Honourable Sir Charles Lyndon. <i>I</i> at least have not forgotten him, + if others have.’ It was a declaration of war to me, as I saw at once; + though I declare I was willing enough to have received the boy well on his + coming amongst us, and to have lived with him on terms of friendliness. + But as men serve me I serve them. Who can blame me for my after-quarrels + with this young reprobate, or lay upon my shoulders the evils which + afterwards befell? Perhaps I lost my temper, and my subsequent treatment + of him WAS hard. But it was he began the quarrel, and not I; and the evil + consequences which ensued were entirely of his creating. + </p> + <p> + As it is best to nip vice in the bud, and for a master of a family to + exercise his authority in such a manner as that there may be no question + about it, I took the earliest opportunity of coming to close quarters with + Master Bullingdon; and the day after his arrival among us, upon his + refusal to perform some duty which I requested of him, I had him conveyed + to my study, and thrashed him soundly. This process, I confess, at first + agitated me a good deal, for I had never laid a whip on a lord before; but + I got speedily used to the practice, and his back and my whip became so + well acquainted, that I warrant there was very little CEREMONY between us + after a while. + </p> + <p> + If I were to repeat all the instances of the insubordination and brutal + conduct of young Bullingdon, I should weary the reader. His perseverance + in resistance was, I think, even greater than mine in correcting him: for + a man, be he ever so much resolved to do his duty as a parent, can’t be + flogging his children all day, or for every fault they commit: and though + I got the character of being so cruel a stepfather to him, I pledge my + word I spared him correction when he merited it many more times than I + administered it. Besides, there were eight clear months in the year when + he was quit of me, during the time of my presence in London, at my place + in Parliament, and at the Court of my Sovereign. + </p> + <p> + At this period I made no difficulty to allow him to profit by the Latin + and Greek of the old rector; who had christened him, and had a + considerable influence over the wayward lad. After a scene or a quarrel + between us, it was generally to the rectory-house that the young rebel + would fly for refuge and counsel; and I must own that the parson was a + pretty just umpire between us in our disputes. Once he led the boy back to + Hackton by the hand, and actually brought him into my presence, although + he had vowed never to enter the doors in my lifetime again, and said, ‘He + had brought his Lordship to acknowledge his error, and submit to any + punishment I might think proper to inflict.’ Upon which I caned him in the + presence of two or three friends of mine, with whom I was sitting drinking + at the time; and to do him justice, he bore a pretty severe punishment + without wincing or crying in the least. This will show that I was not too + severe in my treatment of the lad, as I had the authority of the clergyman + himself for inflicting the correction which I thought proper. + </p> + <p> + Twice or thrice, Lavender, Bryan’s governor, attempted to punish my Lord + Bullingdon; but I promise you the rogue was too strong for HIM, and + levelled the Oxford man to the ground with a chair: greatly to the delight + of little Byran, who cried out, ‘Bravo, Bully! thump him, thump him!’ And + Bully certainly did, to the governor’s heart’s content; who never + attempted personal chastisement afterwards; but contented himself by + bringing the tales of his Lordship’s misdoings to me, his natural + protector and guardian. + </p> + <p> + With the child, Bullingdon was, strange to say, pretty tractable. He took + a liking for the little fellow,—as, indeed, everybody who saw that + darling boy did,—liked him the more, he said, because he was ‘half a + Lyndon.’ And well he might like him, for many a time, at the dear angel’s + intercession of ‘Papa, don’t flog Bully to-day!’ I have held my hand, and + saved him a horsing, which he richly deserved. + </p> + <p> + With his mother, at first, he would scarcely deign to have any + communication. He said she was no longer one of the family. Why should he + love her, as she had never been a mother to him? But it will give the + reader an idea of the dogged obstinacy and surliness of the lad’s + character, when I mention one trait regarding him. It has been made a + matter of complaint against me, that I denied him the education befitting + a gentleman, and never sent him to college or to school; but the fact is, + it was of his own choice that he went to neither. He had the offer + repeatedly from me (who wished to see as little of his impudence as + possible), but he as repeatedly declined; and, for a long time, I could + not make out what was the charm which kept him in a house where he must + have been far from comfortable. + </p> + <p> + It came out, however, at last. There used to be very frequent disputes + between my Lady Lyndon and myself, in which sometimes she was wrong, + sometimes I was; and which, as neither of us had very angelical tempers, + used to run very high. I was often in liquor; and when in that condition, + what gentleman is master of himself? Perhaps I DID, in this state, use my + Lady rather roughly; fling a glass or two at her, and call her by a few + names that were not complimentary. I may have threatened her life (which + it was obviously my interest not to take), and have frightened her, in a + word, considerably. + </p> + <p> + After one of these disputes, in which she ran screaming through the + galleries, and I, as tipsy as a lord, came staggering after, it appears + Bullingdon was attracted out of his room by the noise; as I came up with + her, the audacious rascal tripped up my heels, which were not very steady, + and catching his fainting mother in his arms, took her into his own room; + where he, upon her entreaty, swore he would never leave the house as long + as she continued united with me. I knew nothing of the vow, or indeed of + the tipsy frolic which was the occasion of it; I was taken up ‘glorious,’ + as the phrase is, by my servants, and put to bed, and, in the morning, had + no more recollection of what had occurred any more than of what happened + when I was a baby at the breast. Lady Lyndon told me of the circumstance + years after; and I mention it here, as it enables me to plead honourably + ‘not guilty’ to one of the absurd charges of cruelty trumped up against me + with respect to my stepson. Let my detractors apologise, if they dare, for + the conduct of a graceless ruffian who trips up the heels of his own + natural guardian and stepfather after dinner. + </p> + <p> + This circumstance served to unite mother and son for a little; but their + characters were too different. I believe she was too fond of me ever to + allow him to be sincerely reconciled to her. As he grew up to be a man, + his hatred towards me assumed an intensity quite wicked to think of (and + which I promise you I returned with interest): and it was at the age of + sixteen, I think, that the impudent young hangdog, on my return from + Parliament one summer, and on my proposing to cane him as usual, gave me + to understand that he would submit to no farther chastisement from me, and + said, grinding his teeth, that he would shoot me if I laid hands on him. I + looked at him; he was grown, in fact, to be a tall young man, and I gave + up that necessary part of his education. + </p> + <p> + It was about this time that I raised the company which was to serve in + America; and my enemies in the country (and since my victory over the + Tiptoffs I scarce need say I had many of them) began to propagate the most + shameful reports regarding my conduct to that precious young scapegrace my + stepson, and to insinuate that I actually wished to get rid of him. Thus + my loyalty to my Sovereign was actually construed into a horrid unnatural + attempt on my part on Bullingdon’s life; and it was said that I had raised + the American corps for the sole purpose of getting the young Viscount to + command it, and so of getting rid of him. I am not sure that they had not + fixed upon the name of the very man in the company who was ordered to + despatch him at the first general action, and the bribe I was to give him + for this delicate piece of service. + </p> + <p> + But the truth is, I was of opinion then (and though the fulfilment of my + prophecy has been delayed, yet I make no doubt it will be brought to pass + ere long), that my Lord Bullingdon needed none of MY aid in sending him + into the other world; but had a happy knack of finding the way thither + himself, which he would be sure to pursue. In truth, he began upon this + way early: of all the violent, daring, disobedient scapegraces that ever + caused an affectionate parent pain, he was certainly the most + incorrigible; there was no beating him, or coaxing him, or taming him. + </p> + <p> + For instance, with my little son, when his governor brought him into the + room as we were over the bottle after dinner, my Lord would begin his + violent and undutiful sarcasms at me. + </p> + <p> + ‘Dear child,’ he would say, beginning to caress and fondle him, ‘what a + pity it is I am not dead for thy sake! The Lyndons would then have a + worthier representative, and enjoy all the benefit of the illustrious + blood of the Barrys of Barryogue; would they not, Mr. Barry Lyndon?’ He + always chose the days when company, or the clergy or gentry of the + neighbourhood, were present, to make these insolent speeches to me. + </p> + <p> + Another day (it was Bryan’s birthday) we were giving a grand ball and gala + at Hackton, and it was time for my little Bryan to make his appearance + among us, as he usually did in the smartest little court-suit you ever saw + (ah me! but it brings tears into my old eyes now to think of the bright + looks of that darling little face). There was a great crowding and + tittering when the child came in, led by his half-brother, who walked into + the dancing-room (would you believe it?) in his stocking-feet, leading + little Bryan by the hand, paddling about in the great shoes of the elder! + ‘Don’t you think he fits my shoes very well, Sir Richard Wargrave?’ says + the young reprobate: upon which the company began to look at each other + and to titter; and his mother, coming up to Lord Bullingdon with great + dignity, seized the child to her breast, and said, ‘From the manner in + which I love this child, my Lord, you ought to know how I would have loved + his elder brother had he proved worthy of any mother’s affection!’ and, + bursting into tears, Lady Lyndon left the apartment, and the young lord + rather discomfited for once. + </p> + <p> + At last, on one occasion, his behaviour to me was so outrageous (it was in + the hunting-field and in a large public company), that I lost all + patience, rode at the urchin straight, wrenched him out of his saddle with + all my force, and, flinging him roughly to the ground, sprang down to it + myself, and administered such a correction across the young caitiff’s head + and shoulders with my horsewhip as might have ended in his death, had I + not been restrained in time; for my passion was up, and I was in a state + to do murder or any other crime. The lad was taken home and put to bed, + where he lay for a day or two in a fever, as much from rage and vexation + as from the chastisement I had given him; and three days afterwards, on + sending to inquire at his chamber whether he would join the family at + table, a note was found on his table, and his bed was empty and cold. The + young villain had fled, and had the audacity to write in the following + terms regarding me to my wife, his mother:— + </p> + <p> + ‘Madam,’ he said, ‘I have borne as long as mortal could endure the + ill-treatment of the insolent Irish upstart whom you have taken to your + bed. It is not only the lowness of his birth and the general brutality of + his manners which disgust me, and must make me hate him so long as I have + the honour to bear the name of Lyndon, which he is unworthy of, but the + shameful nature of his conduct towards your Ladyship; his brutal and + ungentlemanlike behaviour, his open infidelity, his habits of + extravagance, intoxication, his shameless robberies and swindling of my + property and yours. It is these insults to you which shock and annoy me, + more than the ruffian’s infamous conduct to myself. I would have stood by + your Ladyship as I promised, but you seem to have taken latterly your + husband’s part; and, as I cannot personally chastise this low-bred + ruffian, who, to our shame be it spoken, is the husband of my mother; and + as I cannot bear to witness his treatment of you, and loathe his horrible + society as if it were the plague, I am determined to quit my native + country: at least during his detested life, or during my own. I possess a + small income from my father, of which I have no doubt Mr. Barry will cheat + me if he can; but which, if your Ladyship has some feelings of a mother + left, you will, perhaps, award to me. Messrs. Childs, the bankers, can + have orders to pay it to me when due; if they receive no such orders, I + shall be not in the least surprised, knowing you to be in the hands of a + villain who would not scruple to rob on the highway; and shall try to find + out some way in life for myself more honourable than that by which the + penniless Irish adventurer has arrived to turn me out of my rights and + home.’ + </p> + <p> + This mad epistle was signed ‘Bullingdon,’ and all the neighbours vowed + that I had been privy to his flight, and would profit by it; though I + declare on my honour my true and sincere desire, after reading the above + infamous letter, was to have the author within a good arm’s length of me, + that I might let him know my opinion regarding him. But there was no + eradicating this idea from people’s minds, who insisted that I wanted to + kill Bullingdon; whereas murder, as I have said, was never one of my evil + qualities: and even had I wished to injure my young enemy ever so much, + common prudence would have made my mind easy, as I knew he was going to + ruin his own way. + </p> + <p> + It was long before we heard of the fate of the audacious young truant; but + after some fifteen months had elapsed, I had the pleasure of being able to + refute some of the murderous calumnies which had been uttered against me, + by producing a bill with Bullingdon’s own signature, drawn from General + Tarleton’s army in America, where my company was conducting itself with + the greatest glory, and with which my Lord was serving as a volunteer. + There were some of my kind friends who persisted still in attributing all + sorts of wicked intentions to me. Lord Tiptoff would never believe that I + would pay any bill, much more any bill of Lord Bullingdon’s; old Lady + Betty Grimsby, his sister, persisted in declaring the bill was a forgery, + and the poor dear lord dead; until there came a letter to her Ladyship + from Lord Bullingdon himself, who had been at New York at headquarters, + and who described at length the splendid festival given by the officers of + the garrison to our distinguished chieftains, the two Howes. + </p> + <p> + In the meanwhile, if I HAD murdered my Lord, I could scarcely have been + received with more shameful obloquy and slander than now followed me in + town and country. ‘You will hear of the lad’s death, be sure,’ exclaimed + one of my friends. ‘And then his wife’s will follow,’ added another. ‘He + will marry Jenny Jones,’ added a third; and so on. Lavender brought me the + news of these scandals about me: the country was up against me. The + farmers on market-days used to touch their hats sulkily, and get out of my + way; the gentlemen who followed my hunt now suddenly seceded from it, and + left off my uniform; at the county ball, where I led out Lady Susan + Capermore, and took my place third in the dance after the duke and the + marquis, as was my wont, all the couples turned away as we came to them, + and we were left to dance alone. Sukey Capermore has a love of dancing + which would make her dance at a funeral if anybody asked her, and I had + too much spirit to give in at this signal instance of insult towards me; + so we danced with some of the very commonest low people at the bottom of + the set—your apothecaries, wine-merchants, attorneys, and such scum + as are allowed to attend our public assemblies. + </p> + <p> + The bishop, my Lady Lyndon’s relative, neglected to invite us to the + palace at the assizes; and, in a word, every indignity was put upon me + which could by possibility be heaped upon an innocent and honourable + gentleman. + </p> + <p> + My reception in London, whither I now carried my wife and family, was + scarcely more cordial. On paying my respects to my Sovereign at St. + James’s, His Majesty pointedly asked me when I had news of Lord + Bullingdon. On which I replied, with no ordinary presence of mind, ‘Sir, + my Lord Bullingdon is fighting the rebels against your Majesty’s crown in + America. Does your Majesty desire that I should send another regiment to + aid him?’ On which the King turned on his heel, and I made my bow out of + the presence-chamber. When Lady Lyndon kissed the Queen’s hand at the + drawing-room, I found that precisely the same question had been put to her + Ladyship; and she came home much agitated at the rebuke which had been administered + to her. Thus it was that my loyalty was rewarded, and my sacrifice, in + favour of my country, viewed! I took away my establishment abruptly to + Paris, where I met with a very different reception: but my stay amidst the + enchanting pleasures of that capital was extremely short; for the French + Government, which had been long tampering with the American rebels, now + openly acknowledged the independence of the United States. A declaration + of war ensued: all we happy English were ordered away from Paris; and I + think I left one or two fair ladies there inconsolable. It is the only + place where a gentleman can live as he likes without being incommoded by + his wife. The Countess and I, during our stay, scarcely saw each other + except upon public occasions, at Versailles, or at the Queen’s play-table; + and our dear little Bryan advanced in a thousand elegant accomplishments + which rendered him the delight of all who knew him. + </p> + <p> + I must not forget to mention here my last interview with my good uncle, + the Chevalier de Ballybarry, whom I left at Brussels with strong + intentions of making his salut, as the phrase is, and who had gone into + retirement at a convent there. Since then he had come into the world + again, much to his annoyance and repentance; having fallen desperately in + love in his old age with a French actress, who had done, as most ladies of + her character do,—ruined him, left him, and laughed at him. His + repentance was very edifying. Under the guidance of Messieurs of the Irish + College, he once more turned his thoughts towards religion; and his only + prayer to me when I saw him and asked in what I could relieve him, was to + pay a handsome fee to the convent into which he proposed to enter. + </p> + <p> + This I could not, of course, do: my religious principles forbidding me to + encourage superstition in any way; and the old gentleman and I parted + rather coolly, in consequence of my refusal, as he said, to make his old + days comfortable. + </p> + <p> + I was very poor at the time, that is the fact; and entre nous, the + Rosemont of the French Opera, an indifferent dancer, but a charming figure + and ankle, was ruining me in diamonds, equipages, and furniture bills, + added to which I had a run of ill-luck at play, and was forced to meet my + losses by the most shameful sacrifices to the money-lenders, by pawning + part of Lady Lyndon’s diamonds (that graceless little Rosemont wheedled me + out of some of them), and by a thousand other schemes for raising money. + But when Honour is in the case, was I ever found backward at her call: and + what man can say that Barry Lyndon lost a bet which he did not pay? + </p> + <p> + As for my ambitious hopes regarding the Irish peerage, I began, on my + return, to find out that I had been led wildly astray by that rascal Lord + Crabs; who liked to take my money, but had no more influence to get me a + coronet than to procure for me the Pope’s tiara. The Sovereign was not a + whit more gracious to me on returning from the Continent than he had been + before my departure; and I had it from one of the aides-de-camp of the + Royal Dukes his brothers, that my conduct and amusements at Paris had been + odiously misrepresented by some spies there, and had formed the subject of + Royal comment; and that the King had, influenced by these calumnies, + actually said I was the most disreputable man in the three kingdoms. I + disreputable! I a dishonour to my name and country! When I heard these + falsehoods, I was in such a rage that I went off to Lord North at once to + remonstrate with the Minister; to insist upon being allowed to appear + before His Majesty and clear myself of the imputations against me, to + point out my services to the Government in voting with them, and to ask + when the reward that had been promised to me—viz., the title held by + my ancestors—was again to be revived in my person? + </p> + <p> + There was a sleepy coolness in that fat Lord North which was the most + provoking thing that the Opposition had ever to encounter from him. He + heard me with half-shut eyes. When I had finished a long violent speech—which + I made striding about his room in Downing Street, and gesticulating with + all the energy of an Irishman—he opened one eye, smiled, and asked + me gently if I had done. On my replying in the affirmative, he said, + ‘Well, Mr. Barry, I’ll answer you, point by point. The King is exceedingly + averse to make peers, as you know. Your claims, as you call them, HAVE + been laid before him, and His Majesty’s gracious reply was, that you were + the most impudent man in his dominions, and merited a halter rather than a + coronet. As for withdrawing your support from us, you are perfectly + welcome to carry yourself and your vote whithersoever you please. And now, + as I have a great deal of occupation, perhaps you will do me the favour to + retire.’ So saying, he raised his hand lazily to the bell, and bowed me + out; asking blandly if there was any other thing in the world in which he + could oblige me. + </p> + <p> + I went home in a fury which can’t be described; and having Lord Crabs to + dinner that day, assailed his Lordship by pulling his wig off his head, + and smothering it in his face, and by attacking him in that part of the + person where, according to report, he had been formerly assaulted by + Majesty. The whole story was over the town the next day, and pictures of + me were hanging in the clubs and print-shops performing the operation + alluded to. All the town laughed at the picture of the lord and the + Irishman, and, I need not say, recognised both. As for me, I was one of + the most celebrated characters in London in those days: my dress, style, + and equipage being as well known as those of any leader of the fashion; + and my popularity, if not great in the highest quarters, was at least + considerable elsewhere. The people cheered me in the Gordon rows, at the + time they nearly killed my friend Jemmy Twitcher and burned Lord + Mansfield’s house down. Indeed, I was known as a staunch Protestant, and + after my quarrel with Lord North veered right round to the Opposition, and + vexed him with all the means in my power. + </p> + <p> + These were not, unluckily, very great, for I was a bad speaker, and the + House would not listen to me, and presently, in 1780, after the Gordon + disturbance, was dissolved, when a general election took place. It came on + me, as all my mishaps were in the habit of coming, at a most unlucky time. + I was obliged to raise more money, at most ruinous rates, to face the + confounded election, and had the Tiptoffs against me in the field more + active and virulent than ever. + </p> + <p> + My blood boils even now when I think of the rascally conduct of my enemies + in that scoundrelly election. I was held up as the Irish Bluebeard, and + libels of me were printed, and gross caricatures drawn representing me + flogging Lady Lyndon, whipping Lord Bullingdon, turning him out of doors + in a storm, and I know not what. There were pictures of a pauper cabin in + Ireland, from which it was pretended I came; others in which I was + represented as a lacquey and shoeblack. A flood of calumny was let loose + upon me, in which any man of less spirit would have gone down. + </p> + <p> + But though I met my accusers boldly, though I lavished sums of money in + the election, though I flung open Hackton Hall and kept champagne and + Burgundy running there, and at all my inns in the town, as commonly as + water, the election went against me. The rascally gentry had all turned + upon me and joined the Tiptoff faction: it was even represented that I + held my wife by force; and though I sent her into the town alone, wearing + my colours, with Bryan in her lap, and made her visit the mayor’s lady and + the chief women there, nothing would persuade the people but that she + lived in fear and trembling of me; and the brutal mob had the insolence to + ask her why she dared to go back, and how she liked horsewhip for supper. + </p> + <p> + I was thrown out of my election, and all the bills came down upon me + together—all the bills I had been contracting during the years of my + marriage, which the creditors, with a rascally unanimity, sent in until + they lay upon my table in heaps. I won’t cite their amount: it was + frightful. My stewards and lawyers made matters worse. I was bound up in + an inextricable toil of bills and debts, of mortgages and insurances, and + all the horrible evils attendant upon them. Lawyers upon lawyers posted + down from London; composition after composition was made, and Lady + Lyndon’s income hampered almost irretrievably to satisfy these cormorants. + To do her justice, she behaved with tolerable kindness at this season of + trouble; for whenever I wanted money I had to coax her, and whenever I + coaxed her I was sure of bringing this weak and light-minded woman to + good-humour: who was of such a weak terrified nature, that to secure an + easy week with me she would sign away a thousand a year. And when my + troubles began at Hackton, and I determined on the only chance left, viz. + to retire to Ireland and retrench, assigning over the best part of my + income to the creditors until their demands were met, my Lady was quite + cheerful at the idea of going, and said, if we would be quiet, she had no + doubt all would be well; indeed, was glad to undergo the comparative + poverty in which we must now live for the sake of the retirement and the + chance of domestic quiet which she hoped to enjoy. + </p> + <p> + We went off to Bristol pretty suddenly, leaving the odious and ungrateful + wretches at Hackton to vilify us, no doubt, in our absence. My stud and + hounds were sold off immediately; the harpies would have been glad to + pounce upon my person; but that was out of their power. I had raised, by + cleverness and management, to the full as much on my mines and private + estates as they were worth; so the scoundrels were disappointed in THIS + instance; and as for the plate and property in the London house, they + could not touch that, as it was the property of the heirs of the house of + Lyndon. + </p> + <p> + I passed over to Ireland, then, and took up my abode at Castle Lyndon for + a while; all the world imagining that I was an utterly ruined man, and + that the famous and dashing Barry Lyndon would never again appear in the + circles of which he had been an ornament. But it was not so. In the midst + of my perplexities, Fortune reserved a great consolation for me still. + Despatches came home from America announcing Lord Cornwallis’s defeat of + General Gates in Carolina, and the death of Lord Bullingdon, who was + present as a volunteer. + </p> + <p> + For my own desires to possess a paltry Irish title I cared little. My son + was now heir to an English earldom, and I made him assume forthwith the + title of Lord Viscount Castle Lyndon, the third of the family titles. My + mother went almost mad with joy at saluting her grandson as ‘my Lord,’ and + I felt that all my sufferings and privations were repaid by seeing this + darling child advanced to such a post of honour. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0019" id="link2HCH0019"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIX. CONCLUSION + </h2> + <p> + If the world were not composed of a race of ungrateful scoundrels, who + share your prosperity while it lasts, and, even when gorged with your + venison and Burgundy, abuse the generous giver of the feast, I am sure I + merit a good name and a high reputation: in Ireland, at least, where my + generosity was unbounded, and the splendour of my mansion and + entertainments unequalled by any other nobleman of my time. As long as my + magnificence lasted, all the country was free to partake of it; I had + hunters sufficient in my stables to mount a regiment of dragoons, and + butts of wine in my cellar which would have made whole counties drunk for + years. Castle Lyndon became the headquarters of scores of needy gentlemen, + and I never rode a-hunting but I had a dozen young fellows of the best + blood of the country riding as my squires and gentlemen of the horse. My + son, little Castle Lyndon, was a prince; his breeding and manners, even at + his early age, showed him to be worthy of the two noble families from whom + he was descended: I don’t know what high hopes I had for the boy, and + indulged in a thousand fond anticipations as to his future success and + figure in the world. But stern Fate had determined that I should leave + none of my race behind me, and ordained that I should finish my career, as + I see it closing now—poor, lonely, and childless. I may have had my + faults; but no man shall dare to say of me that I was not a good and + tender father. I loved that boy passionately; perhaps with a blind + partiality: I denied him nothing. Gladly, gladly, I swear, would I have + died that his premature doom might have been averted. I think there is not + a day since I lost him but his bright face and beautiful smiles look down + on me out of heaven, where he is, and that my heart does not yearn towards + him. That sweet child was taken from me at the age of nine years, when he + was full of beauty and promise: and so powerful is the hold his memory has + of me that I have never been able to forget him; his little spirit haunts + me of nights on my restless solitary pillow; many a time, in the wildest + and maddest company, as the bottle is going round, and the song and laugh + roaring about, I am thinking of him. I have got a lock of his soft brown + hair hanging round my breast now: it will accompany me to the dishonoured + pauper’s grave; where soon, no doubt, Barry Lyndon’s worn-out old bones + will be laid. + </p> + <p> + My Bryan was a boy of amazing high spirit (indeed how, coming from such a + stock, could he be otherwise?), impatient even of my control, against + which the dear little rogue would often rebel gallantly; how much more, + then, of his mother’s and the women’s, whose attempts to direct him he + would laugh to scorn. Even my own mother (‘Mrs. Barry of Lyndon’ the good + soul now called herself, in compliment to my new family) was quite unable + to check him; and hence you may fancy what a will he had of his own. If it + had not been for that, he might have lived to this day: he might—but + why repine? Is he not in a better place? would the heritage of a beggar do + any service to him? It is best as it is—Heaven be good to us!—Alas! + that I, his father, should be left to deplore him. + </p> + <p> + It was in the month of October I had been to Dublin, in order to see a + lawyer and a moneyed man who had come over to Ireland to consult with me + about some sales of mine and the cut of Hackton timber; of which, as I + hated the place and was greatly in want of money, I was determined to cut + down every stick. There had been some difficulty in the matter. It was + said I had no right to touch the timber. The brute peasantry about the + estate had been roused to such a pitch of hatred against me, that the + rascals actually refused to lay an axe to the trees; and my agent (that + scoundrel Larkins) declared that his life was in danger among them if he + attempted any further despoilment (as they called it) of the property. + Every article of the splendid furniture was sold by this time, as I need + not say; and as for the plate, I had taken good care to bring it off to + Ireland, where it now was in the best of keeping—my banker’s, who + had advanced six thousand pounds on it: which sum I soon had occasion for. + </p> + <p> + I went to Dublin, then, to meet the English man of business; and so far + succeeded in persuading Mr. Splint, a great shipbuilder and timber-dealer + of Plymouth, of my claim to the Hackton timber, that he agreed to purchase + it off-hand at about one-third of its value, and handed me over five + thousand pounds: which, being pressed with debts at the time, I was fain + to accept. HE had no difficulty in getting down the wood, I warrant. He + took a regiment of shipwrights and sawyers from his own and the King’s + yards at Plymouth, and in two months Hackton Park was as bare of trees as + the Bog of Allen. + </p> + <p> + I had but ill luck with that accursed expedition and money. I lost the + greater part of it in two nights’ play at ‘Daly’s,’ so that my debts stood + just as they were before; and before the vessel sailed for Holyhead, which + carried away my old sharper of a timber-merchant, all that I had left of + the money he brought me was a couple of hundred pounds, with which I + returned home very disconsolately: and very suddenly, too, for my Dublin + tradesmen were hot upon me, hearing I had spent the loan, and two of my + wine-merchants had writs out against me for some thousands of pounds. + </p> + <p> + I bought in Dublin, according to my promise, however—for when I give + a promise I will keep it at any sacrifices—a little horse for my + dear little Bryan; which was to be a present for his tenth birthday, that + was now coming on: it was a beautiful little animal and stood me in a good + sum. I never regarded money for that dear child. But the horse was very + wild. He kicked off one of my horse-boys, who rode him at first, and broke + the lad’s leg; and, though I took the animal in hand on the journey home, + it was only my weight and skill that made the brute quiet. + </p> + <p> + When we got home I sent the horse away with one of my grooms to a farmer’s + house, to break him thoroughly in, and told Bryan, who was all anxiety to + see his little horse, that he would arrive by his birthday, when he should + hunt him along with my hounds; and I promised myself no small pleasure in + presenting the dear fellow to the field that day: which I hoped to see him + lead some time or other in place of his fond father. Ah me! never was that + gallant boy to ride a fox-chase, or to take the place amongst the gentry + of his country which his birth and genius had pointed out for him! + </p> + <p> + Though I don’t believe in dreams and omens, yet I can’t but own that when + a great calamity is hanging over a man he has frequently many strange and + awful forebodings of it. I fancy now I had many. Lady Lyndon, especially, + twice dreamed of her son’s death; but, as she was now grown uncommonly + nervous and vapourish, I treated her fears with scorn, and my own, of + course, too. And in an unguarded moment, over the bottle after dinner, I + told poor Bryan, who was always questioning me about the little horse, and + when it was to come, that it was arrived; that it was in Doolan’s farm, + where Mick the groom was breaking him in. ‘Promise me, Bryan,’ screamed + his mother, ‘that you will not ride the horse except in company of your + father.’ But I only said, ‘Pooh, madam, you are an ass!’ being angry at + her silly timidity, which was always showing itself in a thousand + disagreeable ways now; and, turning round to Bryan, said, ‘I promise your + Lordship a good flogging if you mount him without my leave.’ + </p> + <p> + I suppose the poor child did not care about paying this penalty for the + pleasure he was to have, or possibly thought a fond father would remit the + punishment altogether; for the next morning, when I rose rather late, + having sat up drinking the night before, I found the child had been off at + daybreak, having slipt through his tutor’s room (this was Redmond Quin, + our cousin, whom I had taken to live with me), and I had no doubt but that + he was gone to Doolan’s farm. + </p> + <p> + I took a great horsewhip and galloped off after him in a rage, swearing I + would keep my promise. But, Heaven forgive me! I little thought of it when + at three miles from home I met a sad procession coming towards me: + peasants moaning and howling as our Irish do, the black horse led by the + hand, and, on a door that some of the folk carried, my poor dear dear + little boy. There he lay in his little boots and spurs, and his little + coat of scarlet and gold. His dear face was quite white, and he smiled as + he held a hand out to me, and said painfully, ‘You won’t whip me, will + you, papa?’ I could only burst out into tears in reply. I have seen many + and many a man dying, and there’s a look about the eyes which you cannot + mistake. There was a little drummer-boy I was fond of who was hit down + before my company at Kuhnersdorf; when I ran up to give him some water, he + looked exactly like my dear Bryan then did—there’s no mistaking that + awful look of the eyes. We carried him home and scoured the country round + for doctors to come and look at his hurt. + </p> + <p> + But what does a doctor avail in a contest with the grim invincible enemy? + Such as came could only confirm our despair by their account of the poor + child’s case. He had mounted his horse gallantly, sat him bravely all the + time the animal plunged and kicked, and, having overcome his first spite, + ran him at a hedge by the roadside. But there were loose stones at the + top, and the horse’s foot caught among them, and he and his brave little + rider rolled over together at the other side. The people said they saw the + noble little boy spring up after his fall and run to catch the horse; + which had broken away from him, kicking him on the back, as it would seem, + as they lay on the ground. Poor Bryan ran a few yards and then dropped + down as if shot. A pallor came over his face, and they thought he was + dead. But they poured whisky down his mouth, and the poor child revived: + still he could not move; his spine was injured; the lower half of him was + dead when they laid him in bed at home. The rest did not last long, God + help me! He remained yet for two days with us; and a sad comfort it was to + think he was in no pain. + </p> + <p> + During this time the dear angel’s temper seemed quite to change: he asked + his mother and me pardon for any act of disobedience he had been guilty of + towards us; he said often he should like to see his brother Bullingdon. + ‘Bully was better than you, papa,’ he said; ‘he used not to swear so, and + he told and taught me many good things while you were away.’ And, taking a + hand of his mother and mine in each of his little clammy ones, he begged + us not to quarrel so, but love each other, so that we might meet again in + heaven, where Bully told him quarrelsome people never went. His mother was + very much affected by these admonitions from the poor suffering angel’s + mouth; and I was so too. I wish she had enabled me to keep the counsel + which the dying boy gave us. + </p> + <p> + At last, after two days, he died. There he lay, the hope of my family, the + pride of my manhood, the link which had kept me and my Lady Lyndon + together. ‘Oh, Redmond,’ said she, kneeling by the sweet child’s body, + ‘do, do let us listen to the truth out of his blessed mouth: and do you + amend your life, and treat your poor loving fond wife as her dying child + bade you.’ And I said I would: but there are promises which it is out of a + man’s power to keep; especially with such a woman as her. But we drew + together after that sad event, and were for several months better friends. + </p> + <p> + I won’t tell you with what splendour we buried him. Of what avail are + undertakers’ feathers and heralds’ trumpery? I went out and shot the fatal + black horse that had killed him, at the door of the vault where we laid my + boy. I was so wild, that I could have shot myself too. But for the crime, + it would have been better that I should, perhaps; for what has my life + been since that sweet flower was taken out of my bosom? A succession of + miseries, wrongs, disasters, and mental and bodily sufferings which never + fell to the lot of any other man in Christendom. + </p> + <p> + Lady Lyndon, always vapourish and nervous, after our blessed boy’s + catastrophe became more agitated than ever, and plunged into devotion with + so much fervour, that you would have fancied her almost distracted at + times. She imagined she saw visions. She said an angel from heaven had + told her that Bryan’s death was as a punishment to her for her neglect of + her first-born. Then she would declare Bullingdon was alive; she had seen + him in a dream. Then again she would fall into fits of sorrow about his + death, and grieve for him as violently as if he had been the last of her + sons who had died, and not our darling Bryan; who, compared to Bullingdon, + was what a diamond is to a vulgar stone. Her freaks were painful to + witness, and difficult to control. It began to be said in the country that + the Countess was going mad. My scoundrelly enemies did not fail to confirm + and magnify the rumour, and would add that I was the cause of her + insanity: I had driven her to distraction, I had killed Bullingdon, I had + murdered my own son; I don’t know what else they laid to my charge. Even + in Ireland their hateful calumnies reached me: my friends fell away from + me. They began to desert my hunt, as they did in England, and when I went + to race or market found sudden reasons for getting out of my + neighbourhood. I got the name of Wicked Barry, Devil Lyndon, which you + please: the country-folk used to make marvellous legends about me: the + priests said I had massacred I don’t know how many German nuns in the + Seven Years’ War; that the ghost of the murdered Bullingdon haunted my + house. Once at a fair in a town hard by, when I had a mind to buy a + waistcoat for one of my people, a fellow standing by said, ‘’Tis a + strait-waistcoat he’s buying for my Lady Lyndon.’ And from this + circumstance arose a legend of my cruelty to my wife; and many + circumstantial details were narrated regarding my manner and ingenuity of + torturing her. + </p> + <p> + The loss of my dear boy pressed not only on my heart as a father, but + injured my individual interests in a very considerable degree; for as + there was now no direct heir to the estate, and Lady Lyndon was of a weak + health, and supposed to be quite unlikely to leave a family, the next in + succession-that detestable family of Tiptoff—began to exert + themselves in a hundred ways to annoy me, and were at the head of the + party of enemies who were raising reports to my discredit. They interposed + between me and my management of the property in a hundred different ways; + making an outcry if I cut a stick, sunk a shaft, sold a picture, or sent a + few ounces of plate to be remodelled. They harassed me with ceaseless + lawsuits, got injunctions from Chancery, hampered my agents in the + execution of their work; so much so that you would have fancied my own was + not my own, but theirs, to do as they liked with. What is worse, as I have + reason to believe, they had tamperings and dealings with my own domestics + under my own roof; for I could not have a word with Lady Lyndon but it + somehow got abroad, and I could not be drunk with my chaplain and friends + but some sanctified rascals would get hold of the news, and reckon up all + the bottles I drank and all the oaths I swore. That these were not few, I + acknowledge. I am of the old school; was always a free liver and speaker; + and, at least, if I did and said what I liked, was not so bad as many a + canting scoundrel I know of who covers his foibles and sins, unsuspected, + with a mask of holiness. As I am making a clean breast of it, and am no + hypocrite, I may as well confess now that I endeavoured to ward off the + devices of my enemies by an artifice which was not, perhaps, strictly + justifiable. Everything depended on my having an heir to the estate; for + if Lady Lyndon, who was of weakly health, had died, the next day I was a + beggar: all my sacrifices of money, &c., on the estate would not have + been held in a farthing’s account; all the debts would have been left on + my shoulders; and my enemies would have triumphed over me: which, to a man + of my honourable spirit, was ‘the unkindest cut of all,’ as some poet + says. + </p> + <p> + I confess, then, it was my wish to supplant these scoundrels; and, as I + could not do so without an heir to my property, <i>I</i> DETERMINED TO + FIND ONE. If I had him near at hand, and of my own blood too, though with + the bar sinister, is not here the question. It was then I found out the + rascally machinations of my enemies; for, having broached this plan to + Lady Lyndon, whom I made to be, outwardly at least, the most obedient of + wives,—although I never let a letter from her or to her go or arrive + without my inspection,—although I allowed her to see none but those + persons who I thought, in her delicate health, would be fitting society + for her; yet the infernal Tiptoffs got wind of my scheme, protested + instantly against it, not only by letter, but in the shameful libellous + public prints, and held me up to public odium as a ‘child-forger,’ as they + called me. Of course I denied the charge—I could do no otherwise, + and offered to meet any one of the Tiptoffs on the field of honour, and + prove him a scoundrel and a liar: as he was; though, perhaps, not in this + instance. But they contented themselves by answering me by a lawyer, and + declined an invitation which any man of spirit would have accepted. My + hopes of having an heir were thus blighted completely: indeed, Lady Lyndon + (though, as I have said, I take her opposition for nothing) had resisted + the proposal with as much energy as a woman of her weakness could + manifest; and said she had committed one great crime in consequence of me, + but would rather die than perform another. I could easily have brought her + Ladyship to her senses, however: but my scheme had taken wind, and it was + now in vain to attempt it. We might have had a dozen children in honest + wedlock, and people would have said they were false. + </p> + <p> + As for raising money on annuities, I may say I had used her life interest + up. There were but few of those assurance societies in my time which have + since sprung up in the city of London; underwriters did the business, and + my wife’s life was as well known among them as, I do believe, that of any + woman in Christendom. Latterly, when I wanted to get a sum against her + life, the rascals had the impudence to say my treatment of her did not + render it worth a year’s purchase,—as if my interest lay in killing + her! Had my boy lived, it would have been a different thing; he and his + mother might have cut off the entail of a good part of the property + between them, and my affairs have been put in better order. Now they were + in a bad condition indeed. All my schemes had turned out failures; my + lands, which I had purchased with borrowed money, made me no return, and I + was obliged to pay ruinous interest for the sums with which I had + purchased them. My income, though very large, was saddled with hundreds of + annuities, and thousands of lawyers’ charges; and I felt the net drawing + closer and closer round me, and no means to extricate myself from its + toils. + </p> + <p> + To add to all my perplexities, two years after my poor child’s death, my + wife, whose vagaries of temper and wayward follies I had borne with for + twelve years, wanted to leave me, and absolutely made attempts at what she + called escaping from my tyranny. + </p> + <p> + My mother, who was the only person that, in my misfortunes, remained + faithful to me (indeed, she has always spoken of me in my true light, as a + martyr to the rascality of others and a victim of my own generous and + confiding temper), found out the first scheme that was going on; and of + which those artful and malicious Tiptoffs were, as usual, the main + promoters. Mrs. Barry, indeed, though her temper was violent and her ways + singular, was an invaluable person to me in my house; which would have + been at rack and ruin long before, but for her spirit of order and + management, and for her excellent economy in the government of my numerous + family. As for my Lady Lyndon, she, poor soul! was much too fine a lady to + attend to household matters—passed her days with her doctor, or her + books of piety, and never appeared among us except at my compulsion; when + she and my mother would be sure to have a quarrel. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Barry, on the contrary, had a talent for management in all matters. + She kept the maids stirring, and the footmen to their duty; had an eye + over the claret in the cellar, and the oats and hay in the stable; saw to + the salting and pickling, the potatoes and the turf-stacking, the + pig-killing and the poultry, the linen-room and the bakehouse, and the ten + thousand minutiae of a great establishment. If all Irish housewives were + like her, I warrant many a hall-fire would be blazing where the cobwebs + only grow now, and many a park covered with sheep and fat cattle where the + thistles are at present the chief occupiers. If anything could have saved + me from the consequences of villainy in others, and (I confess it, for I + am not above owning to my faults) my own too easy, generous, and careless + nature, it would have been the admirable prudence of that worthy creature. + She never went to bed until all the house was quiet and all the candles + out; and you may fancy that this was a matter of some difficulty with a + man of my habits, who had commonly a dozen of jovial fellows (artful + scoundrels and false friends most of them were!) to drink with me every + night, and who seldom, for my part, went to bed sober. Many and many a + night, when I was unconscious of her attention, has that good soul pulled + my boots off, and seen me laid by my servants snug in bed, and carried off + the candle herself; and been the first in the morning, too, to bring me my + drink of small-beer. Mine were no milksop times, I can tell you. A + gentleman thought no shame of taking his half-dozen bottles; and, as for + your coffee and slops, they were left to Lady Lyndon, her doctor, and the + other old women. It was my mother’s pride that I could drink more than any + man in the country,—as much, within a pint, as my father before me, + she said. + </p> + <p> + That Lady Lyndon should detest her was quite natural. She is not the first + of woman or mankind either that has hated a mother-in-law. I set my mother + to keep a sharp watch over the freaks of her Ladyship; and this, you may + be sure, was one of the reasons why the latter disliked her. I never + minded that, however. Mrs. Barry’s assistance and surveillance were + invaluable to me; and, if I had paid twenty spies to watch my Lady, I + should not have been half so well served as by the disinterested care and + watchfulness of my excellent mother. She slept with the house-keys under + her pillow, and had an eye everywhere. She followed all the Countess’s + movements like a shadow; she managed to know, from morning to night, + everything that my Lady did. If she walked in the garden, a watchful eye + was kept on the wicket; and if she chose to drive out, Mrs. Barry + accompanied her, and a couple of fellows in my liveries rode alongside of + the carriage to see that she came to no harm. Though she objected, and + would have kept her room in sullen silence, I made a point that we should + appear together at church in the coach-and-six every Sunday; and that she + should attend the race-balls in my company, whenever the coast was clear + of the rascally bailiffs who beset me. This gave the lie to any of those + maligners who said I wished to make a prisoner of my wife. The fact is, + that, knowing her levity, and seeing the insane dislike to me and mine + which had now begun to supersede what, perhaps, had been an equally insane + fondness for me, I was bound to be on my guard that she should not give me + the slip. Had she left me, I was ruined the next day. This (which my + mother knew) compelled us to keep a tight watch over her; but as for + imprisoning her, I repel the imputation with scorn. Every man imprisons + his wife to a certain degree; the world would be in a pretty condition if + women were allowed to quit home and return to it whenever they had a mind. + In watching over my wife, Lady Lyndon, I did no more than exercise the + legitimate authority which awards honour and obedience to every husband. + </p> + <p> + Such, however, is female artifice, that, in spite of all my watchfulness + in guarding her, it is probable my Lady would have given me the slip, had + I not had quite as acute a person as herself as my ally: for, as the + proverb says that ‘the best way to catch one thief is to set another after + him,’ so the best way to get the better of a woman is to engage one of her + own artful sex to guard her. One would have thought that, followed as she + was, all her letters read, and all her acquaintances strictly watched by + me, living in a remote part of Ireland away from her family, Lady Lyndon + could have had no chance of communicating with her allies, or of making + her wrongs, as she was pleased to call them, public; and yet, for a while, + she carried on a correspondence under my very nose, and acutely organised + a conspiracy for flying from me; as shall be told. + </p> + <p> + She always had an inordinate passion for dress, and, as she was never + thwarted in any whimsey she had of this kind (for I spared no money to + gratify her, and among my debts are milliners’ bills to the amount of many + thousands), boxes used to pass continually to and fro from Dublin, with + all sorts of dresses, caps, flounces, and furbelows, as her fancy + dictated. With these would come letters from her milliner, in answer to + numerous similar injunctions from my Lady; all of which passed through my + hands, without the least suspicion, for some time. And yet in these very + papers, by the easy means of sympathetic ink, were contained all her + Ladyship’s correspondence; and Heaven knows (for it was some time, as I + have said, before I discovered the trick) what charges against me. + </p> + <p> + But clever Mrs. Barry found out that always before my lady-wife chose to + write letters to her milliner, she had need of lemons to make her drink, + as she said; this fact, being mentioned to me, set me a-thinking, and so I + tried one of the letters before the fire, and the whole scheme of villainy + was brought to light. I will give a specimen of one of the horrid artful + letters of this unhappy woman. In a great hand, with wide lines, were + written a set of directions to her mantua-maker, setting forth the + articles of dress for which my Lady had need, the peculiarity of their + make, the stuff she selected, &c. She would make out long lists in + this way, writing each article in a separate line, so as to have more + space for detailing all my cruelties and her tremendous wrongs. Between + these lines she kept the journal of her captivity: it would have made the + fortune of a romance-writer in those days but to have got a copy of it, + and to have published it under the title of the ‘Lovely Prisoner, or the + Savage Husband,’ or by some name equally taking and absurd. The journal + would be as follows:— + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + ‘MONDAY.—Yesterday I was made to go to church. My odious, MONSTROUS, + VULGAR SHE-DRAGON OF A MOTHER-IN-LAW, in a yellow satin and red ribands, + taking the first place in the coach; Mr. L. riding by its side, on the + horse he never paid for to Captain Hurdlestone. The wicked hypocrite led + me to the pew, with hat in hand and a smiling countenance, and kissed my + hand as I entered the coach after service, and patted my Italian greyhound—all + that the few people collected might see. He made me come downstairs in the + evening to make tea for his company; of whom three-fourths, he himself + included, were, as usual, drunk. They painted the parson’s face black, + when his reverence had arrived at his seventh bottle; and at his usual + insensible stage, they tied him on the grey mare with his face to the + tail. The she-dragon read the “Whole Duty of Man” all the evening till + bedtime; when she saw me to my apartments, locked me in, and proceeded to + wait upon her abominable son: whom she adores for his wickedness, I should + think, AS STYCORAX DID CALIBAN.’ + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + You should have seen my mother’s fury as I read her out this passage! + Indeed, I have always had a taste for a joke (that practised on the + parson, as described above, is, I confess, a true bill), and used + carefully to select for Mrs. Barry’s hearing all the COMPLIMENTS that Lady + Lyndon passed upon her. The dragon was the name by which she was known in + this precious correspondence: or sometimes she was designated by the title + of the ‘Irish Witch.’ As for me, I was denominated ‘my gaoler,’ ‘my + tyrant,’ ‘the dark spirit which has obtained the mastery over my being,’ + and so on; in terms always complimentary to my power, however little they + might be so to my amiability. Here is another extract from her ‘Prison + Diary,’ by which it will be seen that my Lady, although she pretended to + be so indifferent to my goings on, had a sharp woman’s eye, and could be + as jealous as another:— + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + ‘WEDNESDAY.—This day two years my last hope and pleasure in life was + taken from me, and my dear child was called to heaven. Has he joined his + neglected brother there, whom I suffered to grow up unheeded by my side: + and whom the tyranny of the monster to whom I am united drove to exile, + and perhaps to death? Or is the child alive, as my fond heart sometimes + deems? Charles Bullingdon! come to the aid of a wretched mother, who + acknowledges her crimes, her coldness towards thee, and now bitterly pays + for her error! But no, he cannot live! I am distracted! My only hope is in + you, my cousin—you whom I had once thought to salute by a STILL + FONDER TITLE, my dear George Poynings! Oh, be my knight and my preserver, + the true chivalric being thou ever wert, and rescue me from the thrall of + the felon caitiff who holds me captive—rescue me from him, and from + Stycorax, the vile Irish witch, his mother!’ + </p> + <p> + (Here follow some verses, such as her Ladyship was in the habit of + composing by reams, in which she compares herself to Sabra, in the ‘Seven + Champions,’ and beseeches her George to rescue her from THE DRAGON, + meaning Mrs. Barry. I omit the lines, and proceed:)— + </p> + <p> + ‘Even my poor child, who perished untimely on this sad anniversary, the + tyrant who governs me had taught to despise and dislike me. ‘Twas in + disobedience to my orders, my prayers, that he went on the fatal journey. + What sufferings, what humiliations have I had to endure since then! I am a + prisoner in my own halls. I should fear poison, but that I know the wretch + has a sordid interest in keeping me alive, and that my death would be the + signal for his ruin. But I dare not stir without my odious, hideous, + vulgar gaoler, the horrid Irishwoman, who pursues my every step. I am + locked into my chamber at night, like a felon, and only suffered to leave + it when ORDERED into the presence of my lord (<i>I</i> ordered!), to be + present at his orgies with his boon companions, and to hear his odious + converse as he lapses into the disgusting madness of intoxication! He has + given up even the semblance of constancy—he, who swore that I alone + could attach or charm him! And now he brings his vulgar mistresses before + my very eyes, and would have had me acknowledge, as heir to my own + property, his child by another! + </p> + <p> + ‘No, I never will submit! Thou, and thou only, my George, my early friend, + shalt be heir to the estates of Lyndon. Why did not Fate join me to thee, + instead of to the odious man who holds me under his sway, and make the + poor Calista happy?’ + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + So the letters would run on for sheets upon sheets, in the closest cramped + handwriting; and I leave any unprejudiced reader to say whether the writer + of such documents must not have been as silly and vain a creature as ever + lived, and whether she did not want being taken care of? I could copy out + yards of rhapsody to Lord George Poynings, her old flame, in which she + addressed him by the most affectionate names, and implored him to find a + refuge for her against her oppressors; but they would fatigue the reader + to peruse, as they would me to copy. The fact is, that this unlucky lady + had the knack of writing a great deal more than she meant. She was always + reading novels and trash; putting herself into imaginary characters and + flying off into heroics and sentimentalities with as little heart as any + woman I ever knew; yet showing the most violent disposition to be in love. + She wrote always as if she was in a flame of passion. I have an elegy on + her lap-dog, the most tender and pathetic piece she ever wrote; and most + tender notes of remonstrance to Betty, her favourite maid; to her + housekeeper, on quarrelling with her; to half-a-dozen acquaintances, each + of whom she addressed as the dearest friend in the world, and forgot the + very moment she took up another fancy. As for her love for her children, + the above passage will show how much she was capable of true maternal + feeling: the very sentence in which she records the death of one child + serves to betray her egotisms, and to wreak her spleen against myself; and + she only wishes to recall another from the grave, in order that he may be + of some personal advantage to her. If I DID deal severely with this woman, + keeping her from her flatterers who would have bred discord between us, + and locking her up out of mischief, who shall say that I was wrong? If any + woman deserved a strait-waistcoat,—it was my Lady Lyndon; and I have + known people in my time manacled, and with their heads shaved, in the + straw, who had not committed half the follies of that foolish, vain, + infatuated creature. + </p> + <p> + My mother was so enraged by the charges against me and herself which these + letters contained, that it was with the utmost difficulty I could keep her + from discovering our knowledge of them to Lady Lyndon; whom it was, of + course, my object to keep in ignorance of our knowledge of her designs: + for I was anxious to know how far they went, and to what pitch of artifice + she would go. The letters increased in interest (as they say of the + novels) as they proceeded. Pictures were drawn of my treatment of her + which would make your heart throb. I don’t know of what monstrosities she + did not accuse me, and what miseries and starvation she did not profess + herself to undergo; all the while she was living exceedingly fat and + contented, to outward appearances, at our house at Castle Lyndon. + Novel-reading and vanity had turned her brain. I could not say a rough + word to her (and she merited many thousands a day, I can tell you), but + she declared I was putting her to the torture; and my mother could not + remonstrate with her but she went off into a fit of hysterics, of which + she would declare the worthy old lady was the cause. + </p> + <p> + At last she began to threaten to kill herself; and though I by no means + kept the cutlery out of the way, did not stint her in garters, and left + her doctor’s shop at her entire service,—knowing her character full + well, and that there was no woman in Christendom less likely to lay hands + on her precious life than herself; yet these threats had an effect, + evidently, in the quarter to which they were addressed; for the milliner’s + packets now began to arrive with great frequency, and the bills sent to + her contained assurances of coming aid. The chivalrous Lord George + Poynings was coming to his cousin’s rescue, and did me the compliment to + say that he hoped to free his dear cousin from the clutches of the most + atrocious villain that ever disgraced humanity; and that, when she was + free, measures should be taken for a divorce, on the ground of cruelty and + every species of ill-usage on my part. + </p> + <p> + I had copies of all these precious documents on one side and the other + carefully made, by my beforementioned relative, godson, and secretary, Mr. + Redmond Quin at present the WORTHY agent of the Castle Lyndon property. + This was a son of my old flame Nora, whom I had taken from her in a fit of + generosity; promising to care for his education at Trinity College, and + provide for him through life. But after the lad had been for a year at the + University, the tutors would not admit him to commons or lectures until + his college bills were paid; and, offended by this insolent manner of + demanding the paltry sum due, I withdrew my patronage from the place, and + ordered my gentleman to Castle Lyndon; where I made him useful to me in a + hundred ways. In my dear little boy’s lifetime, he tutored the poor child + as far as his high spirit would let him; but I promise you it was small + trouble poor dear Bryan ever gave the books. Then he kept Mrs. Barry’s + accounts; copied my own interminable correspondence with my lawyers and + the agents of all my various property; took a hand at piquet or backgammon + of evenings with me and my mother; or, being an ingenious lad enough + (though of a mean boorish spirit, as became the son of such a father), + accompanied my Lady Lyndon’s spinet with his flageolet; or read French and + Italian with her: in both of which languages her Ladyship was a fine + scholar, and with which he also became conversant. It would make my + watchful old mother very angry to hear them conversing in these languages; + for, not understanding a word of either of them, Mrs. Barry was furious + when they were spoken, and always said it was some scheming they were + after. It was Lady Lyndon’s constant way of annoying the old lady, when + the three were alone together, to address Quin in one or other of these + tongues. + </p> + <p> + I was perfectly at ease with regard to his fidelity, for I had bred the + lad, and loaded him with benefits; and, besides, had had various proofs of + his trustworthiness. He it was who brought me three of Lord George’s + letters, in reply to some of my Lady’s complaints; which were concealed + between the leather and the boards of a book which was sent from the + circulating library for her Ladyship’s perusal. He and my Lady too had + frequent quarrels. She mimicked his gait in her pleasanter moments; in her + haughty moods, she would not sit down to table with a tailor’s grandson. + ‘Send me anything for company but that odious Quin,’ she would say, when I + proposed that he should go and amuse her with his books and his flute; + for, quarrelsome as we were, it must not be supposed we were always at it: + I was occasionally attentive to her. We would be friends for a month + together, sometimes; then we would quarrel for a fortnight; then she would + keep her apartments for a month: all of which domestic circumstances were + noted down, in her Ladyship’s peculiar way, in her journal of captivity, + as she called it; and a pretty document it is! Sometimes she writes, ‘My + monster has been almost kind to-day;’ or, ‘My ruffian has deigned to + smile.’ Then she will break out into expressions of savage hate; but for + my poor mother it was ALWAYS hatred. It was, ‘The she-dragon is sick + to-day; I wish to Heaven she would die!’ or, ‘The hideous old Irish + basketwoman has been treating me to some of her Billingsgate to-day,’ and + so forth: all which expressions, read to Mrs. Barry, or translated from + the French and Italian, in which many of them were written, did not fail + to keep the old lady in a perpetual fury against her charge: and so I had + my watch-dog, as I called her, always on the alert. In translating these + languages, young Quin was of great service to me; for I had a smattering + of French—and High Dutch, when I was in the army, of course, I knew + well—but Italian I knew nothing of, and was glad of the services of + so faithful and cheap an interpreter. + </p> + <p> + This cheap and faithful interpreter, this godson and kinsman, on whom and + on whose family I had piled up benefits, was actually trying to betray me; + and for several months, at least, was in league with the enemy against me. + I believe that the reason why they did not move earlier was the want of + the great mover of all treasons—money: of which, in all parts of my + establishment, there was a woful scarcity; but of this they also managed + to get a supply through my rascal of a godson, who could come and go quite + unsuspected: the whole scheme was arranged under our very noses, and the + post-chaise ordered, and the means of escape actually got ready; while I + never suspected their design. + </p> + <p> + A mere accident made me acquainted with their plan. One of my colliers had + a pretty daughter; and this pretty lass had for her bachelor, as they call + them in Ireland, a certain lad, who brought the letter-bag for Castle + Lyndon (and many a dunning letter for me was there in it, God wot!): this + letter-boy told his sweetheart how he brought a bag of money from the town + for Master Quin; and how that Tim the post-boy had told him that he was to + bring a chaise down to the water at a certain hour. Miss Rooney, who had + no secrets from me, blurted out the whole story; asked me what scheming I + was after, and what poor unlucky girl I was going to carry away with the + chaise I had ordered, and bribe with the money I had got from town? + </p> + <p> + Then the whole secret flashed upon me, that the man I had cherished in my + bosom was going to betray me. I thought at one time of catching the couple + in the act of escape, half drowning them in the ferry which they had to + cross to get to their chaise, and of pistolling the young traitor before + Lady Lyndon’s eyes; but, on second thoughts, it was quite clear that the + news of the escape would make a noise through the country, and rouse the + confounded justice’s people about my ears, and bring me no good in the + end. So I was obliged to smother my just indignation, and to content + myself by crushing the foul conspiracy, just at the moment it was about to + be hatched. + </p> + <p> + I went home, and in half-an-hour, and with a few of my terrible looks, I + had Lady Lyndon on her knees, begging me to forgive her; confessing all + and everything; ready to vow and swear she would never make such an + attempt again; and declaring that she was fifty times on the point of + owning everything to me, but that she feared my wrath against the poor + young lad her accomplice: who was indeed the author and inventor of all + the mischief. This—though I knew how entirely false the statement + was—I was fain to pretend to believe; so I begged her to write to + her cousin, Lord George, who had supplied her with money, as she admitted, + and with whom the plan had been arranged, stating, briefly, that she had + altered her mind as to the trip to the country proposed; and that, as her + dear husband was rather in delicate health, she preferred to stay at home + and nurse him. I added a dry postscript, in which I stated that it would + give me great pleasure if his Lordship would come and visit us at Castle + Lyndon, and that I longed to renew an acquaintance which in former times + gave me so much satisfaction. ‘I should seek him out,’ I added, ‘so soon + as ever I was in his neighbourhood, and eagerly anticipated the pleasure + of a meeting with him.’ I think he must have understood my meaning + perfectly well; which was, that I would run him through the body on the + very first occasion I could come at him. + </p> + <p> + Then I had a scene with my perfidious rascal of a nephew; in which the + young reprobate showed an audacity and a spirit for which I was quite + unprepared. When I taxed him with ingratitude, ‘What do I owe you?’ said + he. ‘I have toiled for you as no man ever did for another, and worked + without a penny of wages. It was you yourself who set me against you, by + giving me a task against which my soul revolted,—by making me a spy + over your unfortunate wife, whose weakness is as pitiable as are her + misfortunes and your rascally treatment of her. Flesh and blood could not + bear to see the manner in which you used her. I tried to help her to + escape from you; and I would do it again, if the opportunity offered, and + so I tell you to your teeth!’ When I offered to blow his brains out for + his insolence, ‘Pooh!’ said he,—‘kill the man who saved your poor + boy’s life once, and who was endeavouring to keep him out of the ruin and + perdition into which a wicked father was leading him, when a Merciful + Power interposed, and withdrew him from this house of crime? I would have + left you months ago, but I hoped for some chance of rescuing this unhappy + lady. I swore I would try, the day I saw you strike her. Kill me, you + woman’s bully! You would if you dared; but you have not the heart. Your + very servants like me better than you. Touch me, and they will rise and + send you to the gallows you merit!’ + </p> + <p> + I interrupted this neat speech by sending a water-bottle at the young + gentleman’s head, which felled him to the ground; and then I went to + meditate upon what he had said to me. It was true the fellow had saved + poor little Bryan’s life, and the boy to his dying day was tenderly + attached to him. ‘Be good to Redmond, papa,’ were almost the last words he + spoke; and I promised the poor child, on his death-bed, that I would do as + he asked. It was also true, that rough usage of him would be little liked + by my people, with whom he had managed to become a great favourite: for, + somehow, though I got drunk with the rascals often, and was much more + familiar with them than a man of my rank commonly is, yet I knew I was by + no means liked by them; and the scoundrels were murmuring against me + perpetually. + </p> + <p> + But I might have spared myself the trouble of debating what his fate + should be, for the young gentleman took the disposal of it out of my hands + in the simplest way in the world: viz. by washing and binding up his head + so soon as he came to himself: by taking his horse from the stables; and, + as he was quite free to go in and out of the house and park as he liked, + he disappeared without the least let or hindrance; and leaving the horse + behind him at the ferry, went off in the very post-chaise which was + waiting for Lady Lyndon. I saw and heard no more of him for a considerable + time; and now that he was out of the house, did not consider him a very + troublesome enemy. + </p> + <p> + But the cunning artifice of woman is such that, I think, in the long run, + no man, were he Machiavel himself, could escape from it; and though I had + ample proofs in the above transaction (in which my wife’s perfidious + designs were frustrated by my foresight), and under her own handwriting, + of the deceitfulness of her character and her hatred for me, yet she + actually managed to deceive me, in spite of all my precautions and the + vigilance of my mother in my behalf. Had I followed that good lady’s + advice, who scented the danger from afar off, as it were, I should never + have fallen into the snare prepared for me; and which was laid in a way + that was as successful as it was simple. + </p> + <p> + My Lady Lyndon’s relation with me was a singular one. Her life was passed + in a crack-brained sort of alternation between love and hatred for me. If + I was in a good-humour with her (as occurred sometimes) there was nothing + she would not do to propitiate me further; and she would be as absurd and + violent in her expressions of fondness as, at other moments, she would be + in her demonstrations of hatred. It is not your feeble easy husbands who + are loved best in the world; according to my experience of it. I do think + the women like a little violence of temper, and think no worse of a + husband who exercises his authority pretty smartly. I had got my Lady into + such a terror about me, that when I smiled, it was quite an era of + happiness to her; and if I beckoned to her, she would come fawning up to + me like a dog. I recollect how, for the few days I was at school, the + cowardly mean-spirited fellows would laugh if ever our schoolmaster made a + joke. It was the same in the regiment whenever the bully of a sergeant was + disposed to be jocular—not a recruit but was on the broad grin. + Well, a wise and determined husband will get his wife into this condition + of discipline; and I brought my high-born wife to kiss my hand, to pull + off my boots, to fetch and carry for me like a servant, and always to make + it a holiday, too, when I was in good-humour. I confided perhaps too much + in the duration of this disciplined obedience, and forgot that the very + hypocrisy which forms a part of it (all timid people are liars in their + hearts) may be exerted in a way that may be far from agreeable, in order + to deceive you. + </p> + <p> + After the ill-success of her last adventure, which gave me endless + opportunities to banter her, one would have thought I might have been on + my guard as to what her real intentions were; but she managed to mislead + me with an art of dissimulation quite admirable, and lulled me into a + fatal security with regard to her intentions: for, one day, as I was + joking her, and asking her whether she would take the water again, whether + she had found another lover, and so forth, she suddenly burst into tears, + and, seizing hold of my hand, cried passionately out,— + </p> + <p> + ‘Ah, Barry, you know well enough that I have never loved but you! Was I + ever so wretched that a kind word from you did not make me happy! ever so + angry, but the least offer of goodwill on your part did not bring me to + your side? Did I not give a sufficient proof of my affection for you, in + bestowing one of the first fortunes in England upon you? Have I repined or + rebuked you for the way you have wasted it? No, I loved you too much and + too fondly; I have always loved you. From the first moment I saw you, I + felt irresistibly attracted towards you. I saw your bad qualities, and + trembled at your violence; but I could not help loving you. I married you, + though I knew I was sealing my own fate in doing so; and in spite of + reason and duty. What sacrifice do you want from me? I am ready to make + any, so you will but love me; or, if not, that at least you will gently + use me.’ + </p> + <p> + I was in a particularly good humour that day, and we had a sort of + reconciliation: though my mother, when she heard the speech, and saw me + softening towards her Ladyship, warned me solemnly, and said, ‘Depend on + it, the artful hussy has some other scheme in her head now.’ The old lady + was right; and I swallowed the bait which her Ladyship had prepared to + entrap me as simply as any gudgeon takes a hook. + </p> + <p> + I had been trying to negotiate with a man for some money, for which I had + pressing occasion; but since our dispute regarding the affair of the + succession, my Lady had resolutely refused to sign any papers for my + advantage: and without her name, I am sorry to say, my own was of little + value in the market, and I could not get a guinea from any money-dealer in + London or Dublin. Nor could I get the rascals from the latter place to + visit me at Castle Lyndon: owing to that unlucky affair I had with Lawyer + Sharp when I made him lend me the money he brought down, and old Salmon + the Jew being robbed of the bond I gave him after leaving my house, + [Footnote: These exploits of Mr. Lyndon are not related in the narrative. + He probably, in the cases above alluded to, took the law into his own + hands.] the people would not trust themselves within my walls any more. + Our rents, too, were in the hands of receivers by this time, and it was as + much as I could do to get enough money from the rascals to pay my + wine-merchants their bills. Our English property, as I have said, was + equally hampered; and, as often as I applied to my lawyers and agents for + money, would come a reply demanding money of me, for debts and pretended + claims which the rapacious rascals said they had on me. + </p> + <p> + It was, then, with some feelings of pleasure that I got a letter from my + confidential man in Gray’s Inn, London, saying (in reply to some + ninety-ninth demand of mine) that he thought he could get me some money; + and inclosing a letter from a respectable firm in the city of London, + connected with the mining interest, which offered to redeem the + incumbrance in taking a long lease of certain property of ours, which was + still pretty free, upon the Countess’s signature; and provided they could + be assured of her free will in giving it. They said they heard she lived + in terror of her life from me, and meditated a separation, in which case + she might repudiate any deeds signed by her while in durance, and subject + them, at any rate, to a doubtful and expensive litigation; and demanded to + be made assured of her Ladyship’s perfect free will in the transaction + before they advanced a shilling of their capital. + </p> + <p> + Their terms were so exorbitant, that I saw at once their offer must be + sincere; and, as my Lady was in her gracious mood, had no difficulty in + persuading her to write a letter, in her own hand, declaring that the + accounts of our misunderstandings were utter calumnies; that we lived in + perfect union, and that she was quite ready to execute any deed which her + husband might desire her to sign. + </p> + <p> + This proposal was a very timely one, and filled me with great hopes. I + have not pestered my readers with many accounts of my debts and law + affairs; which were by this time so vast and complicated that I never + thoroughly knew them myself, and was rendered half wild by their urgency. + Suffice it to say, my money was gone—my credit was done. I was + living at Castle Lyndon off my own beef and mutton, and the bread, turf, + and potatoes off my own estate: I had to watch Lady Lyndon within, and the + bailiffs without. For the last two years, since I went to Dublin to + receive money (which I unluckily lost at play there, to the disappointment + of my creditors), I did not venture to show in that city: and could only + appear at our own county town at rare intervals, and because I knew the + sheriffs: whom I swore I would murder if any ill chance happened to me. A + chance of a good loan, then, was the most welcome prospect possible to me, + and I hailed it with all the eagerness imaginable. + </p> + <p> + In reply to Lady Lyndon’s letter, came, in course of time, an answer from + the confounded London merchants, stating that if her Ladyship would + confirm by word of mouth, at their counting-house in Birchin Lane, London, + the statement of her letter, they, having surveyed her property, would no + doubt come to terms; but they declined incurring the risk of a visit to + Castle Lyndon to negotiate, as they were aware how other respectable + parties, such as Messrs. Sharp and Salmon of Dublin, had been treated + there. This was a hit at me; but there are certain situations in which + people can’t dictate their own terms: and, ‘faith, I was so pressed now + for money, that I could have signed a bond with Old Nick himself, if he + had come provided with a good round sum. + </p> + <p> + I resolved to go and take the Countess to London. It was in vain that my + mother prayed and warned me. ‘Depend on it,’ says she, ‘there is some + artifice. When once you get into that wicked town, you are not safe. Here + you may live for years and years, in luxury and splendour, barring claret + and all the windows broken; but as soon as they have you in London, + they’ll get the better of my poor innocent lad; and the first thing I + shall hear of you will be, that you are in trouble.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Why go, Redmond?’ said my wife. ‘I am happy here, as long as you are kind + to me, as you are now. We can’t appear in London as we ought; the little + money you will get will be spent, like all the rest has been. Let us turn + shepherd and shepherdess, and look to our flocks and be content.’ And she + took my hand and kissed it; while my mother only said, ‘Humph! I believe + she’s at the bottom of it—the wicked SCHAMER!’ + </p> + <p> + I told my wife she was a fool; bade Mrs. Barry not be uneasy, and was hot + upon going: I would take no denial from either party. How I was to get the + money to go was the question; but that was solved by my good mother, who + was always ready to help me on a pinch, and who produced sixty guineas + from a stocking. This was all the ready money that Barry Lyndon, of Castle + Lyndon, and married to a fortune of forty thousand a year, could command: + such had been the havoc made in this fine fortune by my own extravagance + (as I must confess), but chiefly by my misplaced confidence and the + rascality of others. + </p> + <p> + We did not start in state, you may be sure. We did not let the country + know we were going, or leave notice of adieu with our neighbours. The + famous Mr. Barry Lyndon and his noble wife travelled in a hack-chaise and + pair to Waterford, under the name of Mr. and Mrs. Jones, and thence took + shipping for Bristol, where we arrived quite without accident. When a man + is going to the deuce, how easy and pleasant the journey is! The thought + of the money quite put me in a good humour, and my wife, as she lay on my + shoulder in the post-chaise going to London, said it was the happiest ride + she had taken since our marriage. + </p> + <p> + One night we stayed at Reading, whence I despatched a note to my agent at + Gray’s Inn, saying I would be with him during the day, and begging him to + procure me a lodging, and to hasten the preparations for the loan. My Lady + and I agreed that we would go to France, and wait there for better times; + and that night, over our supper, formed a score of plans both for pleasure + and retrenchment. You would have thought it was Darby and Joan together + over their supper. O woman! woman! when I recollect Lady Lyndon’s smiles + and blandishments—how happy she seemed to be on that night! what an + air of innocent confidence appeared in her behaviour, and what + affectionate names she called me!—I am lost in wonder at the depth + of her hypocrisy. Who can be surprised that an unsuspecting person like + myself should have been a victim to such a consummate deceiver! + </p> + <p> + We were in London at three o’clock, and half-an-hour before the time + appointed our chaise drove to Gray’s Inn. I easily found out Mr. + Tapewell’s apartments—a gloomy den it was, and in an unlucky hour I + entered it! As we went up the dirty back-stair, lighted by a feeble lamp + and the dim sky of a dismal London afternoon, my wife seemed agitated and + faint. + </p> + <p> + ‘Redmond,’ said she, as we got up to the door, ‘don’t go in: I am sure + there is danger. There’s time yet; let us go back—to Ireland—anywhere!’ + And she put herself before the door, in one of her theatrical attitudes, + and took my hand. + </p> + <p> + I just pushed her away to one side. ‘Lady Lyndon,’ said I, ‘you are an old + fool!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Old fool!’ said she; and she jumped at the bell, which was quickly + answered by a mouldy-looking gentleman in an unpowdered wig, to whom she + cried, ‘Say Lady Lyndon is here;’ and stalked down the passage muttering + ‘Old fool.’ It was ‘OLD’ which was the epithet that touched her. I might + call her anything but that. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Tapewell was in his musty room, surrounded by his parchments and tin + boxes. He advanced and bowed; begged her Ladyship to be seated; pointed + towards a chair for me, which I took, rather wondering at his insolence; + and then retreated to a side-door, saying he would be back in one moment. + </p> + <p> + And back he DID come in one moment, bringing with him—whom do you + think? Another lawyer, six constables in red waistcoats with bludgeons and + pistols, my Lord George Poynings, and his aunt Lady Jane Peckover. + </p> + <p> + When my Lady Lyndon saw her old flame, she flung herself into his arms in + an hysterical passion. She called him her saviour, her preserver, her + gallant knight; and then, turning round to me, poured out a flood of + invective which quite astonished me. + </p> + <p> + ‘Old fool as I am,’ said she, ‘I have outwitted the most crafty and + treacherous monster under the sun. Yes, I WAS a fool when I married you, + and gave up other and nobler hearts for your sake—yes, I was a fool + when I forgot my name and lineage to unite myself with a base-born + adventurer—a fool to bear, without repining, the most monstrous + tyranny that ever woman suffered; to allow my property to be squandered; + to see women, as base and low-born as yourself’— + </p> + <p> + ‘For Heaven’s sake, be calm!’ cries the lawyer; and then bounded back + behind the constables, seeing a threatening look in my eye which the + rascal did not like. Indeed. I could have torn him to pieces, had he come + near me. Meanwhile, my Lady continued in a strain of incoherent fury; + screaming against me, and against my mother especially, upon whom she + heaped abuse worthy of Billingsgate, and always beginning and ending the + sentence with the word fool. + </p> + <p> + ‘You don’t tell all, my Lady,’ says I bitterly; ‘I said OLD fool.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘I have no doubt you said and did, sir, everything that a blackguard could + say or do,’ interposed little Poynings. ‘This lady is now safe under the + protection of her relations and the law, and need fear your infamous + persecutions no longer.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘But YOU are not safe,’ roared I; ‘and, as sure as I am a man of honour, + and have tasted your blood once, I will have your heart’s blood now.’ + </p> + <p> + ‘Take down his words, constables: swear the peace against him!’ screamed + the little lawyer, from behind his tipstaffs. + </p> + <p> + ‘I would not sully my sword with the blood of such a ruffian,’ cried my + Lord, relying on the same doughty protection. ‘If the scoundrel remains in + London another day, he will be seized as a common swindler.’ And this + threat indeed made me wince; for I knew that there were scores of writs + out against me in town, and that once in prison my case was hopeless. + </p> + <p> + ‘Where’s the man will seize me!’ shouted I, drawing my sword, and placing + my back to the door. ‘Let the scoundrel come. You—you cowardly + braggart, come first, if you have the soul of a man!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘We’re not going to seize you!’ said the lawyer; my Ladyship, her aunt, + and a division of the bailiffs moving off as he spoke. ‘My dear sir, we + don’t wish to seize you: we will give you a handsome sum to leave the + country; only leave her Ladyship in peace!’ + </p> + <p> + ‘And the country will be well rid of such a villain!’ says my Lord, + retreating too, and not sorry to get out of my reach: and the scoundrel of + a lawyer followed him, leaving me in possession of the apartment, and in + company of the bullies from the police-office, who were all armed to the + teeth. I was no longer the man I was at twenty, when I should have charged + the ruffians sword in hand, and have sent at least one of them to his + account. I was broken in spirit; regularly caught in the toils: utterly + baffled and beaten by that woman. Was she relenting at the door, when she + paused and begged me turn back? Had she not a lingering love for me still? + Her conduct showed it, as I came to reflect on it. It was my only chance + now left in the world, so I put down my sword upon the lawyer’s desk. + </p> + <p> + ‘Gentlemen,’ said I, ‘I shall use no violence; you may tell Mr. Tapewell I + am quite ready to speak with him when he is at leisure!’ and I sat down + and folded my arms quite peaceably. What a change from the Barry Lyndon of + old days! but, as I have read in an old book about Hannibal the + Carthaginian general, when he invaded the Romans, his troops, which were + the most gallant in the world, and carried all before them, went into + cantonments in some city where they were so sated with the luxuries and + pleasures of life, that they were easily beaten in the next campaign. It + was so with me now. My strength of mind and body were no longer those of + the brave youth who shot his man at fifteen, and fought a score of battles + within six years afterwards. Now, in the Fleet Prison, where I write this, + there is a small man who is always jeering me and making game of me; who + asks me to fight, and I haven’t the courage to touch him. But I am + anticipating the gloomy and wretched events of my history of humiliation, + and had better proceed in order. + </p> + <p> + I took a lodging in a coffee-house near Gray’s Inn; taking care to inform + Mr. Tapewell of my whereabouts, and anxiously expecting a visit from him. + He came and brought me the terms which Lady Lyndon’s friends proposed-a + paltry annuity of L300 a year; to be paid on the condition of my remaining + abroad out of the three kingdoms, and to be stopped on the instant of my + return. He told me what I very well knew, that my stay in London would + infallibly plunge me in gaol; that there were writs innumerable taken out + against me here, and in the West of England; that my credit was so blown + upon that I could not hope to raise a shilling; and he left me a night to + consider of his proposal; saying that, if I refused it, the family would + proceed: if I acceded, a quarter’s salary should be paid to me at any + foreign port I should prefer. + </p> +<p> +What was the poor, lonely, and broken-hearted man to do? I took the +annuity, and was declared outlaw in the course of next week. The rascal +Quin had, I found, been, after all, the cause of my undoing. It was he +devised the scheme for bringing me up to London; sealing the attorney’s +letter with a seal which had been agreed upon between him and the +Countess formerly: indeed he had always been for trying the plan, and +had proposed it at first; but her Ladyship, with her inordinate love of +romance, preferred the project of elopement. Of these points my mother +wrote me word in my lonely exile, offering at the same time to come over +and share it with me; which proposal I declined. She left Castle Lyndon +a very short time after I had quitted it; and there was silence in that +hall where, under my authority, had been exhibited so much hospitality +and splendour. She thought she would never see me again, and bitterly +reproached me for neglecting her; but she was mistaken in that, and in +her estimate of me. She is very old, and is sitting by my side at this +moment in the prison, working: she has a bedroom in Fleet Market over +the way; and, with the fifty-pound annuity, which she has kept with +a wise prudence, we manage to eke out a miserable existence, quite +unworthy of the famous and fashionable Barry Lyndon. + + Mr. Barry Lyndon’s personal narrative finishes here, for the hand +of death interrupted the ingenious author soon after the period at which +the Memoir was compiled; after he had lived nineteen years an inmate +of the Fleet Prison, where the prison records state he died of delirium +tremens. His mother attained a prodigious old age, and the inhabitants +of the place in her time can record with accuracy the daily disputes +which used to take place between mother and son; until the latter, from +habits of intoxication, falling into a state of almost imbecility, +was tended by his tough old parent as a baby almost, and would cry if +deprived of his necessary glass of brandy. +</p> + <p> + His life on the Continent we have not the means of following accurately; + but he appears to have resumed his former profession of a gambler, without + his former success. + </p> + <p> + He returned secretly to England, after some time, and made an abortive + attempt to extort money from Lord George Poynings, under a threat of + publishing his correspondence with Lady Lyndon, and so preventing his + Lordship’s match with Miss Driver, a great heiress, of strict principles, + and immense property in slaves in the West Indies. Barry narrowly escaped + being taken prisoner by the bailiffs who were despatched after him by his + lordship, who would have stopped his pension; but Lady Lyndon would never + consent to that act of justice, and, indeed, broke with my Lord George the + very moment he married the West India lady. + </p> + <p> + The fact is, the old Countess thought her charms were perennial, and was + never out of love with her husband. She was living at Bath; her property + being carefully nursed by her noble relatives the Tiptoffs, who were to + succeed to it in default of direct heirs: and such was the address of + Barry, and the sway he still held over the woman, that he actually had + almost persuaded her to go and live with him again; when his plan and hers + was interrupted by the appearance of a person who had been deemed dead for + several years. + </p> + <p> + This was no other than Viscount Bullingdon, who started up to the surprise + of all; and especially to that of his kinsman of the house of Tiptoff. + This young nobleman made his appearance at Bath, with the letter from + Barry to Lord George in his hand; in which the former threatened to expose + his connection with Lady Lyndon—a connection, we need not state, + which did not reflect the slightest dishonour upon either party, and only + showed that her Ladyship was in the habit of writing exceedingly foolish + letters; as many ladies, nay gentlemen, have done ere this. For calling + the honour of his mother in question, Lord Bullingdon assaulted his + stepfather (living at Bath under the name of Mr. Jones), and administered + to him a tremendous castigation in the Pump-Room. + </p> + <p> + His Lordship’s history, since his departure, was a romantic one, which we + do not feel bound to narrate. He had been wounded in the American War, + reported dead, left prisoner, and escaped. The remittances which were + promised him were never sent; the thought of the neglect almost broke the + heart of the wild and romantic young man, and he determined to remain dead + to the world at least, and to the mother who had denied him. It was in the + woods of Canada, and three years after the event had occurred, that he saw + the death of his half-brother chronicled in the Gentleman’s Magazine, + under the title of ‘Fatal Accident to Lord Viscount Castle Lyndon;’ on + which he determined to return to England: where, though he made himself + known, it was with very great difficulty indeed that he satisfied Lord + Tiptoff of the authenticity of his claim. He was about to pay a visit to + his lady mother at Bath, when he recognised the well-known face of Mr. + Barry Lyndon, in spite of the modest disguise which that gentleman wore, + and revenged upon his person the insults of former days. + </p> + <p> + Lady Lyndon was furious when she heard of the rencounter; declined to see + her son, and was for rushing at once to the arms of her adored Barry; but + that gentleman had been carried off, meanwhile, from gaol to gaol, until + he was lodged in the hands of Mr. Bendigo, of Chancery Lane, an assistant + to the Sheriff of Middlesex; from whose house he went to the Fleet Prison. + The Sheriff and his assistant, the prisoner, nay, the prison itself, are + now no more. + </p> + <p> + As long as Lady Lyndon lived, Barry enjoyed his income, and was perhaps as + happy in prison as at any period of his existence; when her Ladyship died, + her successor sternly cut off the annuity, devoting the sum to charities: + which, he said, would make a nobler use of it than the scoundrel who had + enjoyed it hitherto. At his Lordship’s death, in the Spanish campaign, in + the year 1811, his estate fell in to the family of the Tiptoffs, and his + title merged in their superior rank; but it does not appear that the + Marquis of Tiptoff (Lord George succeeded to the title on the demise of + his brother) renewed either the pension of Mr. Barry or the charities + which the late lord had endowed. The estate has vastly improved under his + Lordship’s careful management. The trees in Hackton Park are all about + forty years old, and the Irish property is rented in exceedingly small + farms to the peasantry; who still entertain the stranger with stories of + the daring and the devilry, and the wickedness and the fall of Barry + Lyndon. + </p> + <p class="c"> + THE END <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg’s Barry Lyndon, by William Makepeace Thackeray + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BARRY LYNDON *** + +***** This file should be named 4558-h.htm or 4558-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/4/5/5/4558/ + +Produced by Steve Harris, Charles Franks, David Widger and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase “Project +Gutenberg”), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +http://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. “Project Gutenberg” is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation (“the Foundation” + or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase “Project Gutenberg” appears, or with which the phrase “Project +Gutenberg” is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase “Project Gutenberg” associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +“Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original “Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, “Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.” + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +“Defects,” such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the “Right +of Replacement or Refund” described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you ‘AS-IS’ WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm’s +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation’s EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +http://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state’s laws. + +The Foundation’s principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation’s web site and official +page at http://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit http://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + + +</pre> + </body> +</html> diff --git a/old/old-2024-12-10/4558.txt b/old/old-2024-12-10/4558.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..36f53cd --- /dev/null +++ b/old/old-2024-12-10/4558.txt @@ -0,0 +1,12119 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Barry Lyndon, by William Makepeace Thackeray + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Barry Lyndon + +Author: William Makepeace Thackeray + +Release Date: October, 2003 [Etext #4558] +Posting Date: December 4, 2009 +[Last updated: August 19, 2012] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BARRY LYNDON *** + + + + +Produced by Steve Harris, Charles Franks and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + +BARRY LYNDON + +By William Makepeace Thackeray + + +From The Works Of William Makepeace Thackeray + + +Edited By Walter Jerrold + + + +CONTENTS + + BIBLIOGRAPHICAL NOTE + + I.--MY PEDIGREE AND FAMILY--UNDERGO THE INFLUENCE OF THE TENDER + PASSION + + II.--IN WHICH I SHOW MYSELF TO BE A MAN OF SPIRIT + + III.--I MAKE A FALSE START IN THE GENTEEL WORLD + + IV.--IN WHICH BARRY TAKES A NEAR VIEW OF MILITARY GLORY + + V.--IN WHICH BARRY TRIES TO REMOVE AS FAR FROM MILITARY GLORY AS + POSSIBLE + + VI.--THE CRIMP WAGGON--MILITARY EPISODES + + VII.--BARRY LEADS A GARRISON LIFE, AND FINDS MANY FRIENDS THERE + + VIII.--BARRY BIDS ADIEU TO THE MILITARY PROFESSION + + IX.--I APPEAR IN A MANNER BECOMING MY NAME AND LINEAGE + + X.--MORE RUNS OF LUCK + + XI.--IN WHICH THE LUCK GOES AGAINST BARRY + + XII.--CONTAINS THE TRAGICAL HISTORY OF THE PRINCESS OF X----- + + XIII.--I CONTINUE MY CAREER AS A MAN OF FASHION + + XIV.--I RETURN TO IRELAND, AND EXHIBIT MY SPLENDOUR AND GENEROSITY + IN THAT KINGDOM + + XV.--I PAY COURT TO MY LADY LYNDON + + XVI.--I PROVIDE NOBLY FOR MY FAMILY, AND ATTAIN THE HEIGHT OF MY + (SEEMING) GOOD FORTUNE + + XVII.--I APPEAR AS AN ORNAMENT OF ENGLISH SOCIETY + + XVIII.--IN WHICH MY GOOD FORTUNE BEGINS TO WAVER + + XIX.--CONCLUSION + + + + + +BARRY LYNDON + + + + +A BIBLIOGRAPHICAL NOTE + +Barry Lyndon--far from the best known, but by some critics acclaimed as +the finest, of Thackeray's works--appeared originally as a serial a few +years before VANITY FAIR was written; yet it was not published in book +form, and then not by itself, until after the publication of VANITY +FAIR, PENDENNIS, ESMOND and THE NEWCOMES had placed its author in the +forefront of the literary men of the day. So many years after the event +we cannot help wondering why the story was not earlier put in book form; +for in its delineation of the character of an adventurer it is as great +as VANITY FAIR, while for the local colour of history, if I may put it +so, it is no undistinguished precursor of ESMOND. + +In the number of FRASER'S MAGAZINE for January 1844 appeared the first +instalment of 'THE LUCK OF BARRY LYNDON, ESQ., A ROMANCE OF THE LAST +CENTURY, by FitzBoodle,' and the story continued to appear month by +month--with the exception of October--up to the end of the year, when +the concluding portion was signed 'G. S. FitzBoodle.' FITZBOODLE'S +CONFESSIONS, it should be added, had appeared occasionally in the +magazine during the years immediately precedent, so that the pseudonym +was familiar to FRASER'S readers. The story was written, according to +its author's own words, 'with a great deal of dulness, unwillingness and +labour,' and was evidently done as the instalments were required, for in +August he wrote 'read for "B. L." all the morning at the club,' and four +days later of '"B. L." lying like a nightmare on my mind.' The journey +to the East--which was to give us in literary results NOTES OF A +JOURNEY FROM CORNHILL TO GRAND CAIRO--was begun with BARRY LYNDON yet +unfinished, for at Malta the author noted on the first three days of +November--'Wrote Barry but slowly and with great difficulty.' 'Wrote +Barry with no more success than yesterday.' 'Finished Barry after great +throes late at night.' In the number of Fraser's for the following +month, as I have said, the conclusion appeared. A dozen years later, in +1856, the story formed the first part of the third volume of Thackeray's +MISCELLANIES, when it was called MEMOIRS OF BARRY LYNDON, ESQ., WRITTEN +BY HIMSELF. Since then, it has nearly always been issued with other +matter, as though it were not strong enough to stand alone, or as though +the importance of a work was mainly to be gauged by the number of +pages to be crowded into one cover. The scheme of the present edition +fortunately allows fitting honour to be done to the memoirs of the great +adventurer. + +To come from the story as a whole to the personality of the eponymous +hero. Three widely-differing historical individuals are suggested as +having contributed to the composite portrait. Best known of these was +that very prince among adventurers, G. J. Casanova de Seingalt, a man +who in the latter half of the eighteenth century played the part of +adventurer--and generally that of the successful adventurer--in most of +the European capitals; who within the first five-and-twenty years of +his life had been 'abbe, secretary to Cardinal Aquaviva, ensign, and +violinist, at Rome, Constantinople, Corfu, and his own birthplace +(Venice), where he cured a senator of apoplexy.' His autobiography, +MEMOIRES ECRIT PAR LUI MEME (in twelve volumes), has been described +as 'unmatched as a self-revelation of scoundrelism.' It has also +been suggested, with I think far less colour of probability, that the +original of Barry was the diplomatist and satiric poet Sir Charles +Hanbury Williams, whom Dr Johnson described as 'our lively and elegant +though too licentious lyrick bard.' The third original, and one who, +there cannot be the slightest doubt, contributed features to the great +portrait, is a certain Andrew Robinson Stoney, afterwards Stoney-Bowes. + +The original of the Countess Lyndon was Mary Eleanor Bowes, Dowager +Countess of Strathmore, and heiress of a very wealthy Durham family. +This lady had many suitors, but in 1777 Stoney, a bankrupt lieutenant on +half pay, who had fought a duel on her behalf, induced her to marry him, +and subsequently hyphenated her name with his own. He became member +of Parliament, and ran such extravagant courses as does Barry Lyndon, +treated his wife with similar barbarity, abducted her when she had +escaped from him, and then, after being divorced, found his way to +a debtors' prison. There are similarities here which no seeker after +originals can overlook. Mrs Ritchie says that her father had a friend +at Paris, 'a Mr Bowes, who may have first told him this history of which +the details are almost incredible, as quoted from the papers of the +time.' The name of Thackeray's friend is a curious coincidence, unless, +as may well have been the case, he was a connection of the family into +which the notorious adventurer had married. It is not unlikely +that Thackeray had seen the work published in 1810--the year of +Stoney-Bowes's death--in which the whole unhappy romance was set forth. +This was 'THE LIVES OF ANDREW ROBINSON BOWES ESQ., and THE COUNTESS OF +STRATHMORE. Written from thirty-three years' Professional Attendance, +from letters and other well authenticated Documents by Jesse Foot, +Surgeon.' In this book we find several incidents similar to ones in +the story. Bowes cut down all the timber on his wife's estate, but +'the neighbours would not buy it.' Such practical jokes as Barry Lyndon +played upon his son's tutor were played by Bowes on his chaplain. The +story of Stoney and his marriage will be found briefly given in the +notice of the Countess's life in the DICTIONARY OF NATIONAL BIOGRAPHY. + +Whence that part of the romantic interlude dealing with the stay in +the Duchy of X----, dealt with in chapter x., etc., was inspired, +Thackeray's own note\books (as quoted by Mrs Ritchie) conclusively show: +'January 4,1844. Read in a silly book called L'EMPIRE, a good story +about the first K. of Wurtemberg's wife; killed by her husband for +adultery. Frederic William, born in 1734 (?), m. in 1780 the Princess +Caroline of Brunswick Wolfenbuttel, who died the 27th September 1788. +For the rest of the story see L'EMPIRE, OU DIX ANS SOUS NAPOLEON, PAR UN +CHAMBELLAN: Paris, Allardin, 1836; vol. i. 220.' The 'Captain Freny' to +whom Barry owed his adventures on his journey to Dublin (chapter iii.) +was a notorious highwayman, on whose doings Thackeray had enlarged in +the fifteenth chapter of his IRISH SKETCH BOOK. + +Despite the slowness with which it was written, and the seeming neglect +with which it was permitted to remain unreprinted, BARRY LYNDON was +to be hailed by competent critics as one of Thackeray's finest +performances, though the author himself seems to have had no strong +regard for the story. His daughter has recorded, 'My father once said +to me when I was a girl: "You needn't read BARRY LYNDON, you won't like +it." Indeed, it is scarcely a book to LIKE, but one to admire and to +wonder at for its consummate power and mastery.' Another novelist, +Anthony Trollope, has said of it: 'In imagination, language, +construction, and general literary capacity, Thackeray never did +anything more remarkable than BARRY LYNDON.' Mr Leslie Stephen says: +'All later critics have recognised in this book one of his most powerful +performances. In directness and vigour he never surpassed it.' + +W.J. + + + + + +THE MEMOIRES OF BARRY LYNDON, ESQ. + + + +CHAPTER I. MY PEDIGREE AND FAMILY--UNDERGO THE INFLUENCE OF THE TENDER +PASSION + + +Since the days of Adam, there has been hardly a mischief done in this +world but a woman has been at the bottom of it. Ever since ours was +a family (and that must be very NEAR Adam's time,--so old, noble, and +illustrious are the Barrys, as everybody knows) women have played a +mighty part with the destinies of our race. + +I presume that there is no gentleman in Europe that has not heard of +the house of Barry of Barryogue, of the kingdom of Ireland, than which a +more famous name is not to be found in Gwillim or D'Hozier; and though, +as a man of the world, I have learned to despise heartily the claims +of some PRETENDERS to high birth who have no more genealogy than the +lacquey who cleans my boots, and though I laugh to utter scorn the +boasting of many of my countrymen, who are all for descending from kings +of Ireland, and talk of a domain no bigger than would feed a pig as if +it were a principality; yet truth compels me to assert that my family +was the noblest of the island, and, perhaps, of the universal world; +while their possessions, now insignificant and torn from us by war, by +treachery, by the loss of time, by ancestral extravagance, by adhesion +to the old faith and monarch, were formerly prodigious, and embraced +many counties, at a time when Ireland was vastly more prosperous than +now. I would assume the Irish crown over my coat-of-arms, but that there +are so many silly pretenders to that distinction who bear it and render +it common. + +Who knows, but for the fault of a woman, I might have been wearing +it now? You start with incredulity. I say, why not? Had there been a +gallant chief to lead my countrymen, instead or puling knaves who bent +the knee to King Richard II., they might have been freemen; had there +been a resolute leader to meet the murderous ruffian Oliver Cromwell, we +should have shaken off the English for ever. But there was no Barry in +the field against the usurper; on the contrary, my ancestor, Simon de +Bary, came over with the first-named monarch, and married the daughter +of the then King of Munster, whose sons in battle he pitilessly slew. + +In Oliver's time it was too late for a chief of the name of Barry +to lift up his war-cry against that of the murderous brewer. We were +princes of the land no longer; our unhappy race had lost its possessions +a century previously, and by the most shameful treason. This I know to +be the fact, for my mother has often told me the story, and besides had +worked it in a worsted pedigree which hung up in the yellow saloon at +Barryville where we lived. + +That very estate which the Lyndons now possess in Ireland was once the +property of my race. Rory Barry of Barryogue owned it in Elizabeth's +time, and half Munster beside. The Barry was always in feud with the +O'Mahonys in those times; and, as it happened, a certain English colonel +passed through the former's country with a body of men-at-arms, on the +very day when the O'Mahonys had made an inroad upon our territories, and +carried off a frightful plunder of our flocks and herds. + +This young Englishman, whose name was Roger Lyndon, Linden, or Lyndaine, +having been most hospitably received by the Barry, and finding him just +on the point of carrying an inroad into the O'Mahonys' land, offered +the aid of himself and his lances, and behaved himself so well, as it +appeared, that the O'Mahonys were entirely overcome, all the Barrys' +property restored, and with it, says the old chronicle, twice as much of +the O'Mahonys' goods and cattle. + +It was the setting in of the winter season, and the young soldier was +pressed by the Barry not to quit his house of Barryogue, and remained +there during several months, his men being quartered with Barry's own +gallowglasses, man by man in the cottages round about. They conducted +themselves, as is their wont, with the most intolerable insolence +towards the Irish; so much so, that fights and murders continually +ensued, and the people vowed to destroy them. + +The Barry's son (from whom I descend) was as hostile to the English as +any other man on his domain; and, as they would not go when bidden, he +and his friends consulted together and determined on destroying these +English to a man. + +But they had let a woman into their plot, and this was the Barry's +daughter. She was in love with the English Lyndon, and broke the whole +secret to him; and the dastardly English prevented the just massacre of +themselves by falling on the Irish, and destroying Phaudrig Barry, my +ancestor, and many hundreds of his men. The cross at Barrycross near +Carrignadihioul is the spot where the odious butchery took place. + +Lyndon married the daughter of Roderick Barry, and claimed the estate +which he left: and though the descendants of Phaudrig were alive, as +indeed they are in my person,[Footnote: As we have never been able to +find proofs of the marriage of my ancestor Phaudrig with his wife, +I make no doubt that Lyndon destroyed the contract, and murdered the +priest and witnesses of the marriage.--B. L.] on appealing to the +English courts, the estate was awarded to the Englishman, as has ever +been the case where English and Irish were concerned. + +Thus, had it not been for the weakness of a woman, I should have been +born to the possession of those very estates which afterwards came to me +by merit, as you shall hear. But to proceed with my family, history. + +My father was well known to the best circles in this kingdom, as in that +of Ireland, under the name of Roaring Harry Barry. He was bred like many +other young sons of genteel families to the profession of the law, being +articled to a celebrated attorney of Sackville Street in the city of +Dublin; and, from his great genius and aptitude for learning, there is +no doubt he would have made an eminent figure in his profession, had not +his social qualities, love of field-sports, and extraordinary graces +of manner, marked him out for a higher sphere. While he was attorney's +clerk he kept seven race-horses, and hunted regularly both with the +Kildare and Wicklow hunts; and rode on his grey horse Endymion that +famous match against Captain Punter, which is still remembered by lovers +of the sport, and of which I caused a splendid picture to be made and +hung over my dining-hall mantelpiece at Castle Lyndon. A year afterwards +he had the honour of riding that very horse Endymion before his late +Majesty King George II. at New-market, and won the plate there and the +attention of the august sovereign. + +Although he was only the second son of our family, my dear father came +naturally into the estate (now miserably reduced to L400 a year); for my +grandfather's eldest son Cornelius Barry (called the Chevalier Borgne, +from a wound which he received in Germany) remained constant to the old +religion in which our family was educated, and not only served abroad +with credit, but against His Most Sacred Majesty George II. in the +unhappy Scotch disturbances in '45. We shall hear more of the Chevalier +hereafter. + +For the conversion of my father I have to thank my dear mother, Miss +Bell Brady, daughter of Ulysses Brady of Castle Brady, county Kerry, +Esquire and J.P. She was the most beautiful woman of her day in Dublin, +and universally called the Dasher there. Seeing her at the assembly, +my father became passionately attached to her; but her soul was above +marrying a Papist or an attorney's clerk; and so, for the love of her, +the good old laws being then in force, my dear father slipped into my +uncle Cornelius's shoes and took the family estate. Besides the force of +my mother's bright eyes, several persons, and of the genteelest society +too, contributed to this happy change; and I have often heard my mother +laughingly tell the story of my father's recantation, which was solemnly +pronounced at the tavern in the company of Sir Dick Ringwood, Lord +Bagwig, Captain Punter, and two or three other young sparks of the +town. Roaring Harry won 300 pieces that very night at faro, and laid +the necessary information the next morning against his brother; but his +conversion caused a coolness between him and my uncle Corney, who joined +the rebels in consequence. + +This great difficulty being settled, my Lord Bagwig lent my father his +own yacht, then lying at the Pigeon House, and the handsome Bell Brady +was induced to run away with him to England, although her parents +were against the match, and her lovers (as I have heard her tell many +thousands of times) were among the most numerous and the most wealthy +in all the kingdom of Ireland. They were married at the Savoy, and my +grandfather dying very soon, Harry Barry, Esquire, took possession of +his paternal property and supported our illustrious name with credit in +London. He pinked the famous Count Tiercelin behind Montague House, he +was a member of 'White's,' and a frequenter of all the chocolate-houses; +and my mother, likewise, made no small figure. At length, after his +great day of triumph before His Sacred Majesty at Newmarket, Harry's +fortune was just on the point of being made, for the gracious monarch +promised to provide for him. But alas! he was taken in charge by another +monarch, whose will have no delay or denial,--by Death, namely, who +seized upon my father at Chester races, leaving me a helpless orphan. +Peace be to his ashes! He was not faultless, and dissipated all our +princely family property; but he was as brave a fellow as ever tossed +a bumper or called a main, and he drove his coach-and-six like a man of +fashion. + +I do not know whether His gracious Majesty was much affected by this +sudden demise of my father, though my mother says he shed some royal +tears on the occasion. But they helped us to nothing: and all that was +found in the house for the wife and creditors was a purse of ninety +guineas, which my dear mother naturally took, with the family plate, and +my father's wardrobe and her own; and putting them into our great coach, +drove off to Holyhead, whence she took shipping for Ireland. My father's +body accompanied us in the finest hearse and plumes money could buy; for +though the husband and wife had quarrelled repeatedly in life, yet at my +father's death his high-spirited widow forgot all her differences, gave +him the grandest funeral that had been seen for many a day, and erected +a monument over his remains (for which I subsequently paid), which +declared him to be the wisest, purest, and most affectionate of men. + +In performing these sad duties over her deceased lord, the widow spent +almost every guinea she had, and, indeed, would have spent a great deal +more, had she discharged one-third of the demands which the ceremonies +occasioned. But the people around our old house of Barryogue, although +they did not like my father for his change of faith, yet stood by him at +this moment, and were for exterminating the mutes sent by Mr. Plumer of +London with the lamented remains. The monument and vault in the church +were then, alas! all that remained of my vast possessions; for my father +had sold every stick of the property to one Notley, an attorney, and we +received but a cold welcome in his house--a miserable old tumble-down +place it was. [Footnote: In another part of his memoir Mr. Barry will +be found to describe this mansion as one of the most splendid palaces +in Europe; but this is a practice not unusual with his nation; and with +respect to the Irish principality claimed by him, it is known that Mr. +Barry's grandfather was an attorney and maker of his own fortune.] + +The splendour of the funeral did not fail to increase the widow Barry's +reputation as a woman of spirit and fashion; and when she wrote to her +brother Michael Brady, that worthy gentleman immediately rode across the +country to fling himself in her arms, and to invite her in his wife's +name to Castle Brady. + +Mick and Barry had quarrelled, as all men will, and very high words had +passed between them during Barry's courtship of Miss Bell. When he took +her off, Brady swore he would never forgive Barry or Bell; but coming +to London in the year '46, he fell in once more with Roaring Harry, and +lived in his fine house in Clarges Street, and lost a few pieces to +him at play, and broke a watchman's head or two in his company,--all +of which reminiscences endeared Bell and her son very much to the +good-hearted gentleman, and he received us both with open arms. Mrs. +Barry did not, perhaps wisely, at first make known to her friends what +was her condition; but arriving in a huge gilt coach with enormous +armorial bearings, was taken by her sister-in-law and the rest of the +county for a person of considerable property and distinction. For a +time, then, and as was right and proper, Mrs. Barry gave the law at +Castle Brady. She ordered the servants to and fro, and taught them, +what indeed they much wanted, a little London neatness; and 'English +Redmond,' as I was called, was treated like a little lord, and had a +maid and a footman to himself; and honest Mick paid their wages,--which +was much more than he was used to do for his own domestics,--doing +all in his power to make his sister decently comfortable under her +afflictions. Mamma, in return, determined that, when her affairs were +arranged, she would make her kind brother a handsome allowance for +her son's maintenance and her own; and promised to have her handsome +furniture brought over from Clarges Street to adorn the somewhat +dilapidated rooms of Castle Brady. + +But it turned out that the rascally landlord seized upon every chair and +table that ought by rights to have belonged to the widow. The estate to +which I was heir was in the hands of rapacious creditors; and the only +means of subsistence remaining to the widow and child was a rent-charge +of L50 upon my Lord Bagwig's property, who had many turf-dealings with +the deceased. And so my dear mother's liberal intentions towards her +brother were of course never fulfilled. + +It must be confessed, very much to the discredit of Mrs. Brady of Castle +Brady, that when her sister-in-law's poverty was thus made manifest, +she forgot all the respect which she had been accustomed to pay her, +instantly turned my maid and man-servant out of doors, and told Mrs. +Barry that she might follow them as soon as she chose. Mrs. Mick was of +a low family, and a sordid way of thinking; and after about a couple +of years (during which she had saved almost all her little income) the +widow complied with Madam Brady's desire. At the same time, giving way +to a just though prudently dissimulated resentment, she made a vow that +she would never enter the gates of Castle Brady while the lady of the +house remained alive within them. + +She fitted up her new abode with much economy and considerable taste, +and never, for all her poverty, abated a jot of the dignity which was +her due and which all the neighbourhood awarded to her. How, indeed, +could they refuse respect to a lady who had lived in London, frequented +the most fashionable society there, and had been presented (as she +solemnly declared) at Court? These advantages gave her a right which +seems to be pretty unsparingly exercised in Ireland by those natives who +have it,--the right of looking down with scorn upon all persons who have +not had the opportunity of quitting the mother-country and inhabiting +England for a while. Thus, whenever Madam Brady appeared abroad in a +new dress, her sister-in-law would say, 'Poor creature! how can it +be expected that she should know anything of the fashion?' And though +pleased to be called the handsome widow, as she was, Mrs. Barry was +still better pleased to be called the English widow. + +Mrs. Brady, for her part, was not slow to reply: she used to say +that the defunct Barry was a bankrupt and a beggar; and as for the +fashionable society which he saw, he saw it from my Lord Bagwig's +side-table, whose flatterer and hanger-on he was known to be. Regarding +Mrs. Barry, the lady of Castle Brady would make insinuations still more +painful. However, why should we allude to these charges, or rake up +private scandal of a hundred years old? It was in the reign of George +II that the above-named personages lived and quarrelled; good or bad, +handsome or ugly, rich or poor, they are all equal now; and do not the +Sunday papers and the courts of law supply us every week with more novel +and interesting slander? + +At any rate, it must be allowed that Mrs. Barry, after her husband's +death and her retirement, lived in such a way as to defy slander. For +whereas Bell Brady had been the gayest girl in the whole county of +Wexford, with half the bachelors at her feet, and plenty of smiles and +encouragement for every one of them, Bell Barry adopted a dignified +reserve that almost amounted to pomposity, and was as starch as any +Quakeress. Many a man renewed his offers to the widow, who had been +smitten by the charms of the spinster; but Mrs. Barry refused all offers +of marriage, declaring that she lived now for her son only, and for the +memory of her departed saint. + +'Saint forsooth!' said ill-natured Mrs. Brady. + +'Harry Barry was as big a sinner as ever was known; and 'tis notorious +that he and Bell hated each other. If she won't marry now, depend on it, +the artful woman has a husband in her eye for all that, and only waits +until Lord Bagwig is a widower.' + +And suppose she did, what then? Was not the widow of a Barry fit to +marry with any lord of England? and was it not always said that a woman +was to restore the fortunes of the Barry family? If my mother fancied +that SHE was to be that woman, I think it was a perfectly justifiable +notion on her part; for the Earl (my godfather) was always most +attentive to her: I never knew how deeply this notion of advancing my +interests in the world had taken possession of mamma's mind, until +his Lordship's marriage in the year '57 with Miss Goldmore, the Indian +nabob's rich daughter. + +Meanwhile we continued to reside at Barryville, and, considering the +smallness of our income, kept up a wonderful state. Of the half-dozen +families that formed the congregation at Brady's Town, there was not a +single person whose appearance was so respectable as that of the widow, +who, though she always dressed in mourning, in memory of her deceased +husband, took care that her garments should be made so as to set off her +handsome person to the greatest advantage; and, indeed, I think, +spent six hours out of every day in the week in cutting, trimming, +and altering them to the fashion. She had the largest of hoops and the +handsomest of furbelows, and once a month (under my Lord Bagwig's cover) +would come a letter from London containing the newest accounts of the +fashions there. Her complexion was so brilliant that she had no call to +use rouge, as was the mode in those days. No, she left red and white, +she said (and hence the reader may imagine how the two ladies hated each +other) to Madam Brady, whose yellow complexion no plaster could alter. +In a word, she was so accomplished a beauty, that all the women in the +country took pattern by her, and the young fellows from ten miles round +would ride over to Castle Brady church to have the sight of her. + +But if (like every other woman that ever I saw or read of) she was proud +of her beauty, to do her justice she was still more proud of her son, +and has said a thousand times to me that I was the handsomest young +fellow in the world. This is a matter of taste. A man of sixty may, +however, say what he was at fourteen without much vanity, and I must say +I think there was some cause for my mother's opinion. The good soul's +pleasure was to dress me; and on Sundays and holidays I turned out in a +velvet coat with a silver-hilted sword by my side and a gold garter at +my knee, as fine as any lord in the land. My mother worked me several +most splendid waistcoats, and I had plenty of lace for my ruffles, and +a fresh riband to my hair, and as we walked to church on Sundays, even +envious Mrs. Brady was found to allow that there was not a prettier pair +in the kingdom. + +Of course, too, the lady of Castle Brady used to sneer, because on these +occasions a certain Tim, who used to be called my valet, followed me and +my mother to church, carrying a huge prayer-book and a cane, and dressed +in the livery of one of our own fine footmen from Clarges Street, which, +as Tim was a bandy-shanked little fellow, did not exactly become him. +But, though poor, we were gentlefolks, and not to be sneered out of +these becoming appendages to our rank; and so would march up the aisle +to our pew with as much state and gravity as the Lord Lieutenant's lady +and son might do. When there, my mother would give the responses and +amens in a loud dignified voice that was delightful to hear, and, +besides, had a fine loud voice for singing, which art she had perfected +in London under a fashionable teacher; and she would exercise her talent +in such a way that you would hardly hear any other voice of the little +congregation which chose to join in the psalm. In fact, my mother had +great gifts in every way, and believed herself to be one of the most +beautiful, accomplished, and meritorious persons in the world. Often and +often has she talked to me and the neighbours regarding her own humility +and piety, pointing them out in such a way that I would defy the most +obstinate to disbelieve her. + +When we left Castle Brady we came to occupy a house in Brady's town, +which mamma christened Barryville. I confess it was but a small place, +but, indeed, we made the most of it. I have mentioned the family +pedigree which hung up in the drawingroom, which mamma called the yellow +saloon, and my bedroom was called the pink bedroom, and hers the orange +tawny apartment (how well I remember them all!); and at dinner-time Tim +regularly rang a great bell, and we each had a silver tankard to drink +from, and mother boasted with justice that I had as good a bottle of +claret by my side as any squire of the land. So indeed I had, but I was +not, of course, allowed at my tender years to drink any of the wine; +which thus attained a considerable age, even in the decanter. + +Uncle Brady (in spite of the family quarrel) found out the above fact +one day by calling at Barryville at dinner-time, and unluckily tasting +the liquor. You should have seen how he sputtered and made faces! But +the honest gentleman was not particular about his wine, or the company +in which he drank it. He would get drunk, indeed, with the parson or the +priest indifferently; with the latter, much to my mother's indignation, +for, as a true blue Nassauite, she heartily despised all those of the +old faith, and would scarcely sit down in the room with a benighted +Papist. But the squire had no such scruples; he was, indeed, one of the +easiest, idlest, and best-natured fellows that ever lived, and many +an hour would he pass with the lonely widow when he was tired of Madam +Brady at home. He liked me, he said, as much as one of his own sons, +and at length, after the widow had held out for a couple of years, she +agreed to allow me to return to the castle; though, for herself, +she resolutely kept the oath which she had made with regard to her +sister-in-law. + +The very first day I returned to Castle Brady my trials may be said, +in a manner, to have begun. My cousin, Master Mick, a huge monster of +nineteen (who hated me, and I promise you I returned the compliment), +insulted me at dinner about my mother's poverty, and made all the girls +of the family titter. So when we went to the stables, whither Mick +always went for his pipe of tobacco after dinner, I told him a piece of +my mind, and there was a fight for at least ten minutes, during which I +stood to him like a man, and blacked his left eye, though I was myself +only twelve years old at the time. Of course he beat me, but a beating +makes only a small impression on a lad of that tender age, as I had +proved many times in battles with the ragged Brady's Town boys before, +not one of whom, at my time of life, was my match. My uncle was very +much pleased when he heard of my gallantry; my cousin Nora brought brown +paper and vinegar for my nose, and I went home that night with a pint of +claret under my girdle, not a little proud, let me tell you, at having +held my own against Mick so long. + +And though he persisted in his bad treatment of me, and used to cane +me whenever I fell in his way, yet I was very happy now at Castle +Brady with the company there, and my cousins, or some of them, and the +kindness of my uncle, with whom I became a prodigious favourite. He +bought a colt for me, and taught me to ride. He took me out coursing and +fowling, and instructed me to shoot flying. And at length I was released +from Mick's persecution, for his brother, Master Ulick, returning from +Trinity College, and hating his elder brother, as is mostly the way in +families of fashion, took me under his protection; and from that time, +as Ulick was a deal bigger and stronger than Mick, I, English Redmond, +as I was called, was left alone; except when the former thought fit to +thrash me, which he did whenever he thought proper. + +Nor was my learning neglected in the ornamental parts, for I had +an uncommon natural genius for many things, and soon topped in +accomplishments most of the persons around me. I had a quick ear and a +fine voice, which my mother cultivated to the best of her power, and +she taught me to step a minuet gravely and gracefully, and thus laid +the foundation of my future success in life. The common dances I learned +(as, perhaps, I ought not to confess) in the servants' hall, which, +you may be sure, was never without a piper, and where I was considered +unrivalled both at a hornpipe and a jig. + +In the matter of book-learning, I had always an uncommon taste for +reading plays and novels, as the best part of a gentleman's polite +education, and never let a pedlar pass the village, if I had a penny, +without having a ballad or two from him. As for your dull grammar, +and Greek and Latin and stuff, I have always hated them from my youth +upwards, and said, very unmistakably, I would have none of them. + +This I proved pretty clearly at the age of thirteen, when my aunt Biddy +Brady's legacy of L100 came in to mamma, who thought to employ the sum +on my education, and sent me to Doctor Tobias Tickler's famous academy +at Ballywhacket--Backwhacket, as my uncle used to call it. But six +weeks after I had been consigned to his reverence, I suddenly made my +appearance again at Castle Brady, having walked forty miles from the +odious place, and left the Doctor in a state near upon apoplexy. The +fact was, that at taw, prison-bars, or boxing, I was at the head of the +school, but could not be brought to excel in the classics; and after +having been flogged seven times, without its doing me the least good +in my Latin, I refused to submit altogether (finding it useless) to an +eighth application of the rod. 'Try some other way, sir,' said I, when +he was for horsing me once more; but he wouldn't; whereon, and to defend +myself, I flung a slate at him, and knocked down a Scotch usher with a +leaden inkstand. All the lads huzza'd at this, and some or the servants +wanted to stop me; but taking out a large clasp-knife that my cousin +Nora had given me, I swore I would plunge it into the waistcoat of the +first man who dared to balk me, and faith they let me pass on. I slept +that night twenty miles off Ballywhacket, at the house of a cottier, who +gave me potatoes and milk, and to whom I gave a hundred guineas after, +when I came to visit Ireland in my days of greatness. I wish I had the +money now. But what's the use of regret? I have had many a harder bed +than that I shall sleep on to-night, and many a scantier meal than +honest Phil Murphy gave me on the evening I ran away from school. So six +weeks' was all the schooling I ever got. And I say this to let parents +know the value of it; for though I have met more learned book-worms in +the world, especially a great hulking, clumsy, blear-eyed old doctor, +whom they called Johnson, and who lived in a court off Fleet Street, +in London, yet I pretty soon silenced him in an argument (at 'Button's +Coffeehouse'); and in that, and in poetry, and what I call natural +philosophy, or the science of life, and in riding, music, leaping, +the small-sword, the knowledge of a horse, or a main of cocks, and the +manners of an accomplished gentleman and a man of fashion, I may say for +myself that Redmond Barry has seldom found his equal. 'Sir,' said I to +Mr. Johnson, on the occasion I allude to--he was accompanied by a Mr. +Buswell of Scotland, and I was presented to the club by a Mr. Goldsmith, +a countryman of my own--'Sir,' said I, in reply to the schoolmaster's +great thundering quotation in Greek, 'you fancy you know a great deal +more than me, because you quote your Aristotle and your Pluto; but can +you tell me which horse will win at Epsom Downs next week?--Can you run +six miles without breathing?--Can you shoot the ace of spades ten times +without missing? If so, talk about Aristotle and Pluto to me.' + +'D'ye knaw who ye're speaking to?' roared out the Scotch gentleman, Mr. +Boswell, at this. + +'Hold your tongue, Mr. Boswell,' said the old schoolmaster. 'I had no +right to brag of my Greek to the gentleman, and he has answered me very +well.' + +'Doctor,' says I, looking waggishly at him, 'do you know ever a rhyme +for ArisTOTLE?' + +'Port, if you plaise,' says Mr. Goldsmith, laughing. And we had SIX +RHYMES FOR ARISTOTLE before we left the coffee-house that evening. It +became a regular joke afterwards when I told the story, and at 'White's' +or the 'Cocoa-tree' you would hear the wags say, 'Waiter, bring me one +of Captain Barry's rhymes for Aristotle.' Once, when I was in liquor at +the latter place, young Dick Sheridan called me a great Staggerite, a +joke which I could never understand. But I am wandering from my story, +and must get back to home, and dear old Ireland again. + +I have made acquaintance with the best in the land since, and my +manners are such, I have said, as to make me the equal of them all; and, +perhaps, you will wonder how a country boy, as I was, educated amongst +Irish squires, and their dependants of the stable and farm, should +arrive at possessing such elegant manners as I was indisputably allowed +to have. I had, the fact is, a very valuable instructor in the person of +an old gamekeeper, who had served the French king at Fontenoy, and who +taught me the dances and customs, and a smattering of the language of +that country, with the use of the sword, both small and broad. Many +and many a long mile I have trudged by his side as a lad, he telling me +wonderful stories of the French king, and the Irish brigade, and Marshal +Saxe, and the opera-dancers; he knew my uncle, too, the Chevalier +Borgne, and indeed had a thousand accomplishments which he taught me in +secret. I never knew a man like him for making or throwing a fly, for +physicking a horse, or breaking, or choosing one; he taught me manly +sports, from birds'-nesting upwards, and I always shall consider Phil +Purcell as the very best tutor I could have had. His fault was drink, +but for that I have always had a blind eye; and he hated my cousin Mick +like poison; but I could excuse him that too. + +With Phil, and at the age of fifteen, I was a more accomplished man than +either of my cousins; and I think Nature had been also more bountiful to +me in the matter of person. Some of the Castle Brady girls (as you shall +hear presently) adored me. At fairs and races many of the prettiest +lasses present said they would like to have me for their bachelor; and +yet somehow, it must be confessed, I was not popular. + +In the first place, every one knew I was bitter poor; and I think, +perhaps, it was my good mother's fault that I was bitter proud too. I +had a habit of boasting in company of my birth, and the splendour of my +carriages, gardens, cellars, and domestics, and this before people who +were perfectly aware of my real circumstances. If it was boys, and they +ventured to sneer, I would beat them, or die for it; and many's the time +I've been brought home well-nigh killed by one or more of them, on what, +when my mother asked me, I would say was 'a family quarrel.' 'Support +your name with your blood, Reddy my boy,' would that saint say, with the +tears in her eyes; and so would she herself have done with her voice, +ay, and her teeth and nails. + +Thus, at fifteen, there was scarce a lad of twenty, for half-a-dozen +miles round, that I had not beat for one cause or other. There were the +vicar's two sons of Castle Brady--in course I could not associate with +such beggarly brats as them, and many a battle did we have as to +who should take the wall in Brady's Town; there was Pat Lurgan, the +blacksmith's son, who had the better of me four times before we came +to the crowning fight, when I overcame him; and I could mention a score +more of my deeds of prowess in that way, but that fisticuff facts are +dull subjects to talk of, and to discuss before high-bred gentlemen and +ladies. + +However, there is another subject, ladies, on which I must discourse, +and THAT is never out of place. Day and night you like to hear of it: +young and old, you dream and think of it. Handsome and ugly (and, faith, +before fifty, I never saw such a thing as a plain woman), it's the +subject next to the hearts of all of you; and I think you guess my +riddle without more trouble. LOVE! sure the word is formed on purpose +out of the prettiest soft vowels and consonants in the language, and +he or she who does not care to read about it is not worth a fig, to my +thinking. + +My uncle's family consisted of ten children; who, as is the custom in +such large families, were divided into two camps, or parties; the one +siding with their mamma, the other taking the part of my uncle in all +the numerous quarrels which arose between that gentleman and his lady. +Mrs. Brady's faction was headed by Mick, the eldest son, who hated me +so, and disliked his father for keeping him out of his property: while +Ulick, the second brother, was his father's own boy; and, in revenge, +Master Mick was desperately afraid of him. I need not mention the girls' +names; I had plague enough with them in after-life, Heaven knows; and +one of them was the cause of all my early troubles: this was (though to +be sure all her sisters denied it) the belle of the family, Miss Honoria +Brady by name. + +She said she was only nineteen at the time; but I could read the +fly-leaf in the family Bible as well as another (it was one of the three +books which, with the backgammon-board, formed my uncle's library), and +know that she was born in the year '37, and christened by Doctor Swift, +Dean of St. Patrick's, Dublin: hence she was three-and-twenty years old +at the time she and I were so much together. + +When I come to think about her now, I know she never could have been +handsome; for her figure was rather of the fattest, and her mouth of the +widest; she was freckled over like a partridge's egg, and her hair was +the colour of a certain vegetable which we eat with boiled beef, to +use the mildest term. Often and often would my dear mother make these +remarks concerning her; but I did not believe them then, and somehow +had gotten to think Honoria an angelical being, far above all the other +angels of her sex. + +And as we know very well that a lady who is skilled in dancing or +singing never can perfect herself without a deal of study in private, +and that the song or the minuet which is performed with so much graceful +ease in the assembly-room has not been acquired without vast labour +and perseverance in private; so it is with the dear creatures who are +skilled in coquetting. Honoria, for instance, was always practising, +and she would take poor me to rehearse her accomplishment upon; or the +exciseman, when he came his rounds, or the steward, or the poor curate, +or the young apothecary's lad from Brady's Town: whom I recollect +beating once for that very reason. If he is alive now I make him my +apologies. Poor fellow! as if it was HIS fault that he should be a +victim to the wiles of one of the greatest coquettes (considering her +obscure life and rustic breeding) in the world. + +If the truth must be told--and every word of this narrative of my life +is of the most sacred veracity--my passion for Nora began in a very +vulgar and unromantic way. I did not save her life; on the contrary, I +once very nearly killed her, as you shall hear. I did not behold her +by moonlight playing on the guitar, or rescue her from the hands of +ruffians, as Alfonso does Lindamira in the novel; but one day, after +dinner at Brady's Town, in summer, going into the garden to pull +gooseberries for my dessert, and thinking only of gooseberries, I pledge +my honour, I came upon Miss Nora and one of her sisters, with whom +she was friends at the time, who were both engaged in the very same +amusement. + +'What's the Latin for gooseberry, Redmond?' says she. She was always +'poking her fun,' as the Irish phrase it. + +'I know the Latin for goose,' says I. + +'And what's that?' cries Miss Mysie, as pert as a peacock. + +'Bo to you!' says I (for I had never a want of wit); and so we fell to +work at the gooseberry-bush, laughing and talking as happy as might be. +In the course of our diversion Nora managed to scratch her arm, and it +bled, and she screamed, and it was mighty round and white, and I tied it +up, and I believe was permitted to kiss her hand; and though it was as +big and clumsy a hand as ever you saw, yet I thought the favour the +most ravishing one that was ever conferred upon me, and went home in a +rapture. + +I was much too simple a fellow to disguise any sentiment I chanced to +feel in those days; and not one of the eight Castle Brady girls but +was soon aware of my passion, and joked and complimented Nora about her +bachelor. + +The torments of jealousy the cruel coquette made me endure were +horrible. Sometimes she would treat me as a child, sometimes as a man. +She would always leave me if ever there came a stranger to the house. + +'For after all, Redmond,' she would say, 'you are but fifteen, and you +haven't a guinea in the world.' At which I would swear that I would +become the greatest hero ever known out of Ireland, and vow that before +I was twenty I would have money enough to purchase an estate six times +as big as Castle Brady. All which vain promises, of course, I did not +keep; but I make no doubt they influenced me in my very early life, and +caused me to do those great actions for which I have been celebrated, +and which shall be narrated presently in order. + +I must tell one of them, just that my dear young lady readers may +know what sort of a fellow Redmond Barry was, and what a courage and +undaunted passion he had. I question whether any of the jenny-jessamines +of the present day would do half as much in the face of danger. + +About this time, it must be premised, the United Kingdom was in a state +of great excitement from the threat generally credited of a French +invasion. The Pretender was said to be in high favour at Versailles, +a descent upon Ireland was especially looked to, and the noblemen and +people of condition in that and all other parts of the kingdom showed +their loyalty by raising regiments of horse and foot to resist the +invaders. Brady's Town sent a company to join the Kilwangan regiment, of +which Master Mick was the captain; and we had a letter from Master +Ulick at Trinity College, stating that the University had also formed a +regiment, in which he had the honour to be a corporal. How I envied +them both! especially that odious Mick as I saw him in his laced scarlet +coat, with a ribbon in his hat, march off at the head of his men. He, +the poor spiritless creature, was a captain, and I nothing,--I who felt +I had as much courage as the Duke of Cumberland himself, and felt, too, +that a red jacket would mightily become me! My mother said I was too +young to join the new regiment; but the fact was, that it was she +herself who was too poor, for the cost of a new uniform would have +swallowed up half her year's income, and she would only have her boy +appear in a way suitable to his birth, riding the finest of racers, +dressed in the best of clothes, and keeping the genteelest of company. + +Well, then, the whole country was alive with war's alarums, the three +kingdoms ringing with military music, and every man of merit paying his +devoirs at the court of Bellona, whilst poor I was obliged to stay at +home in my fustian jacket and sigh for fame in secret. Mr. Mick came +to and fro from the regiment, and brought numerous of his comrades with +him. Their costume and swaggering airs filled me with grief, and Miss +Nora's unvarying attentions to them served to make me half wild. No one, +however, thought of attributing this sadness to the young lady's +score, but rather to my disappointment at not being allowed to join the +military profession. + +Once the officers of the Fencibles gave a grand ball at Kilwangan, to +which, as a matter of course, all the ladies of Castle Brady (and a +pretty ugly coachful they were) were invited. I knew to what tortures +the odious little flirt of a Nora would put me with her eternal +coquetries with the officers, and refused for a long time to be one of +the party to the ball. But she had a way of conquering me, against which +all resistance of mine was in vain. She vowed that riding in a coach +always made her ill. 'And how can I go to the ball,' said she, 'unless +you take me on Daisy behind you on the pillion?' Daisy was a good +blood-mare of my uncle's, and to such a proposition I could not for my +soul say no; so we rode in safety to Kilwangan, and I felt myself as +proud as any prince when she promised to dance a country-dance with me. + +When the dance was ended, the little ungrateful flirt informed me that +she had quite forgotten her engagement; she had actually danced the set +with an Englishman! I have endured torments in my life, but none like +that. She tried to make up for her neglect, but I would not. Some of the +prettiest girls there offered to console me, for I was the best dancer +in the room. I made one attempt, but was too wretched to continue, and +so remained alone all night in a state of agony. I would have played, +but I had no money; only the gold piece that my mother bade me always +keep in my purse as a gentleman should. I did not care for drink, or +know the dreadful comfort of it in those days; but I thought of killing +myself and Nora, and most certainly of making away with Captain Quin! + +At last, and at morning, the ball was over. The rest of our ladies went +off in the lumbering creaking old coach; Daisy was brought out, and Miss +Nora took her place behind me, which I let her do without a word. But we +were not half-a-mile out of town when she began to try with her coaxing +and blandishments to dissipate my ill-humour. + +'Sure it's a bitter night, Redmond dear, and you'll catch cold without a +handkerchief to your neck.' To this sympathetic remark from the pillion, +the saddle made no reply. + +'Did you and Miss Clancy have a pleasant evening, Redmond? You were +together, I saw, all night.' To this the saddle only replied by grinding +his teeth, and giving a lash to Daisy. + +'O mercy! you'll make Daisy rear and throw me, you careless creature +you: and you know, Redmond, I'm so timid.' The pillion had by this +got her arm round the saddle's waist, and perhaps gave it the gentlest +squeeze in the world. + +'I hate Miss Clancy, you know I do!' answers the saddle; 'and I only +danced with her because--because--the person with whom I intended to +dance chose to be engaged the whole night.' + +'Sure there were my sisters,' said the pillion, now laughing outright in +the pride of her conscious superiority; 'and for me, my dear, I had +not been in the room five minutes before I was engaged for every single +set.' + +'Were you obliged to dance five times with Captain Quin?' said I; and +oh! strange delicious charm of coquetry, I do believe Miss Nora Brady +at twenty-three years of age felt a pang of delight in thinking that she +had so much power over a guileless lad of fifteen. Of course she replied +that she did not care a fig for Captain Quin: that he danced prettily, +to be sure, and was a pleasant rattle of a man; that he looked well in +his regimentals too; and if he chose to ask her to dance, how could she +refuse him? + +'But you refused me, Nora.' + +'Oh! I can dance with you any day,' answered Miss Nora, with a toss +of her head; 'and to dance with your cousin at a ball, looks as if you +could find no other partner. Besides,' said Nora--and this was a +cruel, unkind cut, which showed what a power she had over me, and how +mercilessly she used it,--'besides, Redmond, Captain Quin's a man and +you are only a boy!' + +'If ever I meet him again,' I roared out with an oath, 'you shall see +which is the best man of the two. I'll fight him with sword or with +pistol, captain as he is. A man indeed! I'll fight any man--every man! +Didn't I stand up to Mick Brady when I was eleven years old?--Didn't I +beat Tom Sullivan, the great hulking brute, who is nineteen?--Didn't I +do for the Scotch usher? O Nora, it's cruel of you to sneer at me so!' + +But Nora was in the sneering mood that night, and pursued her sarcasms; +she pointed out that Captain Quin was already known as a valiant +soldier, famous as a man of fashion in London, and that it was mighty +well of Redmond to talk and boast of beating ushers and farmers' boys, +but to fight an Englishman was a very different matter. + +Then she fell to talk of the invasion, and of military matters +in general; of King Frederick (who was called, in those days, the +Protestant hero), of Monsieur Thurot and his fleet, of Monsieur Conflans +and his squadron, of Minorca, how it was attacked, and where it was; we +both agreed it must be in America, and hoped the French might be soundly +beaten there. + +I sighed after a while (for I was beginning to melt), and said how much +I longed to be a soldier; on which Nora recurred to her infallible 'Ah! +now, would you leave me, then? But, sure, you're not big enough for +anything more than a little drummer.' To which I replied, by swearing +that a soldier I would be, and a general too. + +As we were chattering in this silly way, we came to a place that has +ever since gone by the name of Redmond's Leap Bridge. It was an old high +bridge, over a stream sufficiently deep and rocky, and as the mare Daisy +with her double load was crossing this bridge, Miss Nora, giving a loose +to her imagination, and still harping on the military theme (I would lay +a wager that she was thinking of Captain Quin)--Miss Nora said, 'Suppose +now, Redmond, you, who are such a hero, was passing over the bridge, and +the inimy on the other side?' + +'I'd draw my sword, and cut my way through them.' + +'What, with me on the pillion? Would you kill poor me?' (This young lady +was perpetually speaking of 'poor me!') + +'Well, then, I'll tell you what I'd do. I'd jump Daisy into the river, +and swim you both across, where no enemy could follow us.' + +'Jump twenty feet! you wouldn't dare to do any such thing on Daisy. +There's the Captain's horse, Black George, I've heard say that Captain +Qui--' + +She never finished the word, for, maddened by the continual recurrence +of that odious monosyllable, I shouted to her to 'hold tight by my +waist,' and, giving Daisy the spur, in a minute sprang with Nora over +the parapet into the deep water below. I don't know why, now--whether +it was I wanted to drown myself and Nora, or to perform an act that +even Captain Quin should crane at, or whether I fancied that the enemy +actually was in front of us, I can't tell now; but over I went. The +horse sank over his head, the girl screamed as she sank and screamed as +she rose, and I landed her, half fainting, on the shore, where we were +soon found by my uncle's people, who returned on hearing the screams. I +went home, and was ill speedily of a fever, which kept me to my bed for +six weeks; and I quitted my couch prodigiously increased in stature, +and, at the same time, still more violently in love than I had been even +before. At the commencement of my illness, Miss Nora had been pretty +constant in her attendance at my bedside, forgetting, for the sake of +me, the quarrel between my mother and her family; which my good mother +was likewise pleased, in the most Christian manner, to forget. And, let +me tell you, it was no small mark of goodness in a woman of her haughty +disposition, who, as a rule, never forgave anybody, for my sake to give +up her hostility to Miss Brady, and to receive her kindly. For, like a +mad boy as I was, it was Nora I was always raving about and asking for; +I would only accept medicines from her hand, and would look rudely and +sulkily upon the good mother, who loved me better than anything else +in the world, and gave up even her favourite habits, and proper and +becoming jealousies, to make me happy. + +As I got well, I saw that Nora's visits became daily more rare: 'Why +don't she come?' I would say, peevishly, a dozen times in the day; +in reply to which query, Mrs. Barry would be obliged to make the best +excuses she could find,--such as that Nora had sprained her ankle, or +that they had quarrelled together, or some other answer to soothe me. +And many a time has the good soul left me to go and break her heart in +her own room alone, and come back with a smiling face, so that I should +know nothing of her mortification. Nor, indeed, did I take much pains to +ascertain it: nor should I, I fear, have been very much touched even had +I discovered it; for the commencement of manhood, I think, is the period +of our extremest selfishness. We get such a desire then to take wing +and leave the parent nest, that no tears, entreaties, or feelings +of affection will counter-balance this overpowering longing after +independence. She must have been very sad, that poor mother of +mine--Heaven be good to her!--at that period of my life; and has often +told me since what a pang of the heart it was to her to see all her care +and affection of years forgotten by me in a minute, and for the sake of +a little heartless jilt, who was only playing with me while she could +get no better suitor. For the fact is, that during the last four weeks +of my illness, no other than Captain Quin was staying at Castle Brady, +and making love to Miss Nora in form. My mother did not dare to break +this news to me, and you may be sure that Nora herself kept it a secret: +it was only by chance that I discovered it. + +Shall I tell you how? The minx had been to see me one day, as I sat up +in my bed, convalescent; she was in such high spirits, and so gracious +and kind to me, that my heart poured over with joy and gladness, and I +had even for my poor mother a kind word and a kiss that morning. I felt +myself so well that I ate up a whole chicken, and promised my uncle, who +had come to see me, to be ready against partridge-shooting, to accompany +him, as my custom was. + +The next day but one was a Sunday, and I had a project for that day +which I determined to realise, in spite of all the doctor's and my +mother's injunctions: which were that I was on no account to leave the +house, for the fresh air would be the death of me. + +Well, I lay wondrous quiet, composing a copy of verses, the first I ever +made in my life; and I give them here, spelt as I spelt them in those +days when I knew no better. And though they are not so polished and +elegant as 'Ardelia ease a Love-sick Swain,' and 'When Sol bedecks the +Daisied Mead,' and other lyrical effusions of mine which obtained me +so much reputation in after life, I still think them pretty good for a +humble lad of fifteen:-- + +THE ROSE OF FLORA. + +Sent by a Young Gentleman of Quality to Miss Brady, of Castle Brady. + + On Brady's tower there grows a flower, + It is the loveliest flower that blows,-- + At Castle Brady there lives a lady + (And how I love her no one knows): + Her name is Nora, and the goddess Flora + Presents her with this blooming rose. + +'O Lady Nora,' says the goddess Flora, + 'I've many a rich and bright parterre; + In Brady's towers there's seven more flowers, + But you're the fairest lady there: + Not all the county, nor Ireland's bounty, + Can projuice a treasure that's half so fair! + + What cheek is redder? sure roses fed her! + Her hair is maregolds, and her eye of blew + Beneath her eyelid is like the vi'let, + That darkly glistens with gentle jew? + The lily's nature is not surely whiter + Than Nora's neck is,--and her arrums too. + +'Come, gentle Nora,' says the goddess Flora, + 'My dearest creature, take my advice, + There is a poet, full well you know it, + Who spends his lifetime in heavy sighs,-- + Young Redmond Barry, 'tis him you'll marry, + If rhyme and raisin you'd choose likewise.' + +On Sunday, no sooner was my mother gone to church, than I summoned Phil +the valet, and insisted upon his producing my best suit, in which I +arrayed myself (although I found that I had shot up so in my illness +that the old dress was wofully too small for me), and, with my notable +copy of verses in my hand, ran down towards Castle Brady, bent upon +beholding my beauty. The air was so fresh and bright, and the birds sang +so loud amidst the green trees, that I felt more elated than I had been +for months before, and sprang down the avenue (my uncle had cut down +every stick of the trees, by the way) as brisk as a young fawn. My heart +began to thump as I mounted the grass-grown steps of the terrace, and +passed in by the rickety hall-door. The master and mistress were at +church, Mr. Screw the butler told me (after giving a start back at +seeing my altered appearance, and gaunt lean figure), and so were six of +the young ladies. + +'Was Miss Nora one?' I asked. + +'No, Miss Nora was not one,' said Mr. Screw, assuming a very puzzled, +and yet knowing look. + +'Where was she?' To this question he answered, or rather made believe +to answer, with usual Irish ingenuity, and left me to settle whether she +was gone to Kilwangan on the pillion behind her brother, or whether she +and her sister had gone for a walk, or whether she was ill in her room; +and while I was settling this query, Mr. Screw left me abruptly. + +I rushed away to the back court, where the Castle Brady stables stand, +and there I found a dragoon whistling the 'Roast Beef of Old England,' +as he cleaned down a cavalry horse. 'Whose horse, fellow, is that?' +cried I. + +'Feller, indeed!' replied the Englishman: 'the horse belongs to my +captain, and he's a better FELLER nor you any day.' + +I did not stop to break his bones, as I would on another occasion, for +a horrible suspicion had come across me, and I made for the garden as +quickly as I could. + +I knew somehow what I should see there. I saw Captain Quin and Nora +pacing the alley together. Her arm was under his, and the scoundrel was +fondling and squeezing the hand which lay closely nestling against his +odious waistcoat. Some distance beyond them was Captain Fagan of the +Kilwangan regiment, who was paying court to Nora's sister Mysie. + +I am not afraid of any man or ghost; but as I saw that sight my knees +fell a-trembling violently under me, and such a sickness came over me, +that I was fain to sink down on the grass by a tree against which I +leaned, and lost almost all consciousness for a minute or two: then +I gathered myself up, and, advancing towards the couple on the walk, +loosened the blade of the little silver-hilted hanger I always wore in +its scabbard; for I was resolved to pass it through the bodies of the +delinquents, and spit them like two pigeons. I don't tell what feelings +else besides those of rage were passing through my mind; what bitter +blank disappointment, what mad wild despair, what a sensation as if the +whole world was tumbling from under me; I make no doubt that my reader +hath been jilted by the ladies many times, and so bid him recall his own +sensations when the shock first fell upon him. + +'No, Norelia,' said the Captain (for it was the fashion of those times +for lovers to call themselves by the most romantic names out of novels), +'except for you and four others, I vow before all the gods, my heart has +never felt the soft flame!' + +'Ah! you men, you men, Eugenio!' said she (the beast's name was John), +'your passion is not equal to ours. We are like--like some plant I've +read of--we bear but one flower and then we die!' + +'Do you mean you never felt an inclination for another?' said Captain +Quin. + +'Never, my Eugenio, but for thee! How can you ask a blushing nymph such +a question?' + +'Darling Norelia!' said he, raising her hand to his lips. + +I had a knot of cherry-coloured ribands, which she had given me out of +her breast, and which somehow I always wore upon me. I pulled these out +of my bosom, and flung them in Captain Quin's face, and rushed out with +my little sword drawn, shrieking, 'She's a liar--she's a liar, Captain +Quin! Draw, sir, and defend yourself, if you are a man!' and with these +words I leapt at the monster, and collared him, while Nora made the air +echo with her screams; at the sound of which the other captain and Mysie +hastened up. + +Although I sprang up like a weed in my illness, and was now nearly +attained to my full growth of six feet, yet I was but a lath by the side +of the enormous English captain, who had calves and shoulders such as no +chairman at Bath ever boasted. He turned very red, and then exceedingly +pale at my attack upon him, and slipped back and clutched at his +sword--when Nora, in an agony of terror, flung herself round him, +screaming, 'Eugenio! Captain Quin, for Heaven's sake spare the child--he +is but an infant.' + +'And ought to be whipped for his impudence,' said the Captain; 'but +never fear, Miss Brady, I shall not touch him; your FAVOURITE is safe +from me.' So saying, he stooped down and picked up the bunch of ribands +which had fallen at Nora's feet, and handing it to her, said in a +sarcastic tone, 'When ladies make presents to gentlemen, it is time for +OTHER gentlemen to retire.' + +'Good heavens, Quin!' cried the girl; 'he is but a boy.' + +'I am a man,' roared I, 'and will prove it.' + +'And don't signify any more than my parrot or lap-dog. Mayn't I give a +bit of riband to my own cousin?' + +'You are perfectly welcome, miss,' continued the Captain, 'as many yards +as you like.' + +'Monster!' exclaimed the dear girl; 'your father was a tailor, and +you are always thinking of the shop. But I'll have my revenge, I will! +Reddy, will you see me insulted?' + +'Indeed, Miss Nora,' says I, 'I intend to have his blood as sure as my +name's Redmond.' + +'I'll send for the usher to cane you, little boy,' said the Captain, +regaining his self-possession; 'but as for you, miss, I have the honour +to wish you a good-day.' + +He took off his hat with much ceremony, made a low CONGE, and was just +walking off, when Mick, my cousin, came up, whose ear had likewise been +caught by the scream. + +'Hoity-toity! Jack Quin, what's the matter here?' says Mick; 'Nora in +tears, Redmond's ghost here with his sword drawn, and you making a bow?' + +'I'll tell you what it is, Mr. Brady,' said the Englishman: 'I have had +enough of Miss Nora, here, and your Irish ways. I ain't used to 'em, +sir.' + +'Well, well! what is it?' said Mick good-humouredly (for he owed Quin a +great deal of money as it turned out); 'we'll make you used to our ways, +or adopt English ones.' + +'It's not the English way for ladies to have two lovers' (the 'Henglish +way,' as the captain called it), 'and so, Mr. Brady, I'll thank you +to pay me the sum you owe me, and I'll resign all claims to this young +lady. If she has a fancy for schoolboys, let her take 'em, sir.' + +'Pooh, pooh! Quin, you are joking,' said Mick. + +'I never was more in earnest,' replied the other. + +'By Heaven, then, look to yourself!' shouted Mick. 'Infamous seducer! +infernal deceiver!--you come and wind your toils round this suffering +angel here--you win her heart and leave her--and fancy her brother won't +defend her? Draw this minute, you slave! and let me cut the wicked heart +out of your body!' + +'This is regular assassination,' said Quin, starting back; 'there's two +on 'em on me at once. Fagan, you won't let 'em murder me?' + +'Faith!' said Captain Fagan, who seemed mightily amused, 'you may settle +your own quarrel, Captain Quin;' and coming over to me, whispered, 'At +him again, you little fellow.' + +'As long as Mr. Quin withdraws his claim,' said I, 'I, of course, do not +interfere.' + +'I do, sir--I do,' said Mr. Quin, more and more flustered. + +'Then defend yourself like a man, curse you!' cried Mick again. 'Mysie, +lead this poor victim away--Redmond and Fagan will see fair play between +us.' + +'Well now--I don't--give me time--I'm puzzled--I--I don't know which way +to look.' + +'Like the donkey betwixt the two bundles of hay,' said Mr. Fagan drily, +'and there's pretty pickings on either side.' + + + + +CHAPTER II. I SHOW MYSELF TO BE A MAN OF SPIRIT + +During this dispute, my cousin Nora did the only thing that a lady, +under such circumstances, could do, and fainted in due form. I was in +hot altercation with Mick at the time, or I should have, of course, +flown to her assistance, but Captain Fagan (a dry sort of fellow this +Fagan was) prevented me, saying, 'I advise you to leave the young +lady to herself, Master Redmond, and be sure she will come to.' And so +indeed, after a while, she did, which has shown me since that Fagan +knew the world pretty well, for many's the lady I've seen in after times +recover in a similar manner. Quin did not offer to help her, you may be +sure, for, in the midst of the diversion, caused by her screaming, the +faithless bully stole away. + +'Which of us is Captain Quin to engage?' said I to Mick; for it was my +first affair, and I was as proud of it as of a suit of laced velvet. 'Is +it you or I, Cousin Mick, that is to have the honour of chastising this +insolent Englishman?' And I held out my hand as I spoke, for my heart +melted towards my cousin under the triumph of the moment. + +But he rejected the proffered offer of friendship. 'You--you!' said he, +in a towering passion; 'hang you for a meddling brat: your hand is in +everybody's pie. What business had you to come brawling and quarrelling +here, with a gentleman who has fifteen hundred a year?' + +'Oh,' gasped Nora, from the stone bench, 'I shall die: I know I shall. I +shall never leave this spot.' + +'The Captain's not gone yet,' whispered Fagan; on which Nora, giving him +an indignant look, jumped up and walked towards the house. + +'Meanwhile,' Mick continued, 'what business have you, you meddling +rascal, to interfere with a daughter of this house?' + +'Rascal yourself!' roared I: 'call me another such name, Mick Brady, and +I'll drive my hanger into your weasand. Recollect, I stood to you when I +was eleven years old. I'm your match now, and, by Jove, provoke me, and +I'll beat you like--like your younger brother always did.' That was a +home-cut, and I saw Mick turn blue with fury. + +'This is a pretty way to recommend yourself to the family,' said Fagan, +in a soothing tone. + +'The girl's old enough to be his mother,' growled Mick. + +'Old or not,' I replied: 'you listen to this, Mick Brady' (and I swore a +tremendous oath, that need not be put down here): 'the man that marries +Nora Brady must first kill me--do you mind that?' + +'Pooh, sir,' said Mick, turning away, 'kill you--flog you, you mean! +I'll send for Nick the huntsman to do it;' and so he went off. + +Captain Fagan now came up, and taking me kindly by the hand, said I was +a gallant lad, and he liked my spirit. 'But what Brady says is true,' +continued he; 'it's a hard thing to give a lad counsel who is in such +a far-gone state as you; but, believe me, I know the world, and if you +will but follow my advice, you won't regret having taken it. Nora Brady +has not a penny; you are not a whit richer. You are but fifteen, and +she's four-and-twenty. In ten years, when you're old enough to marry, +she will be an old woman; and, my poor boy, don't you see--though it's a +hard matter to see--that she's a flirt, and does not care a pin for you +or Quin either?' + +But who in love (or in any other point, for the matter of that) listens +to advice? I never did, and I told Captain Fagan fairly, that Nora might +love me or not as she liked, but that Quin should fight me before he +married her--that I swore. + +'Faith,' says Fagan, 'I think you are a lad that's likely to keep your +word;' and, looking hard at me for a second or two, he walked away +likewise, humming a tune: and I saw he looked back at me as he went +through the old gate out of the garden. When he was gone, and I was +quite alone, I flung myself down on the bench where Nora had made +believe to faint, and had left her handkerchief; and, taking it up, hid +my face in it, and burst into such a passion of tears as I would then +have had nobody see for the world. The crumpled riband which I had flung +at Quin lay in the walk, and I sat there for hours, as wretched as any +man in Ireland, I believe, for the time being. But it's a changeable +world! When we consider how great our sorrows SEEM, and how small they +ARE; how we think we shall die of grief, and how quickly we forget, I +think we ought to be ashamed of ourselves and our fickle-heartedness. +For, after all, what business has time to bring us consolation? I +have not, perhaps, in the course of my multifarious adventures and +experience, hit upon the right woman; and have forgotten, after a +little, every single creature I adored; but I think, if I could but have +lighted on the right one, I would have loved her for EVER. + +I must have sat for some hours bemoaning myself on the garden bench, for +it was morning when I came to Castle Brady, and the dinner-bell +clanged as usual at three o'clock, which wakened me up from my reverie. +Presently I gathered up the handkerchief, and once more took the riband. +As I passed through the offices, I saw the Captain's saddle was still +hanging up at the stable-door, and saw his odious red-coated brute of +a servant swaggering with the scullion-girls and kitchen-people. 'The +Englishman's still there, Master Redmond,' said one of the maids to me +(a sentimental black-eyed girl, who waited on the young ladies). 'He's +there in the parlour, with the sweetest fillet of vale; go in, and don't +let him browbeat you, Master Redmond.' + +And in I went, and took my place at the bottom of the big table, as +usual, and my friend the butler speedily brought me a cover. + +'Hallo, Reddy my boy!' said my uncle, 'up and well?--that's right.' + +'He'd better be home with his mother,' growled my aunt. + +'Don't mind her,' says Uncle Brady; 'it's the cold goose she ate at +breakfast didn't agree with her. Take a glass of spirits, Mrs. Brady, to +Redmond's health.' It was evident he did not know of what had happened; +but Mick, who was at dinner too, and Ulick, and almost all the girls, +looked exceedingly black, and the Captain foolish; and Miss Nora, who +was again by his side, ready to cry. Captain Fagan sat smiling; and I +looked on as cold as a stone. I thought the dinner would choke me: but +I was determined to put a good face on it, and when the cloth was drawn, +filled my glass with the rest; and we drank the King and the Church, +as gentlemen should. My uncle was in high good-humour, and especially +always joking with Nora and the Captain. It was, 'Nora, divide that +merry-thought with the Captain! see who'll be married first.' 'Jack +Quin, my dear boy, never mind a clean glass for the claret, we're short +of crystal at Castle Brady; take Nora's and the wine will taste none the +worse;' and so on. He was in the highest glee,--I did not know why. Had +there been a reconciliation between the faithless girl and her lover +since they had come into the house? + +I learned the truth very soon. At the third toast, it was always the +custom for the ladies to withdraw; but my uncle stopped them this time, +in spite of the remonstrances of Nora, who said, 'Oh, pa! do let us go!' +and said, 'No, Mrs. Brady and ladies, if you plaise; this is a sort of +toast that is drunk a great dale too seldom in my family, and you'll +plaise to receive it with all the honours. Here's CAPTAIN AND MRS. +JOHN QUIN, and long life to them. Kiss her, Jack, you rogue: for 'faith +you've got a treasure!' + +'He has already '----I screeched out, springing up. + +'Hold your tongue, you fool--hold your tongue!' said big Ulick, who sat +by me; but I wouldn't hear. + +'He has already,' I screamed, 'been slapped in the face this morning, +Captain John Quin; he's already been called coward, Captain John Quin; +and this is the way I'll drink his health. Here's your health, Captain +John Quin!' And I flung a glass of claret into his face. I don't know +how he looked after it, for the next moment I myself was under the +table, tripped up by Ulick, who hit me a violent cuff on the head as I +went down; and I had hardly leisure to hear the general screaming and +skurrying that was taking place above me, being so fully occupied with +kicks, and thumps, and curses, with which Ulick was belabouring me. 'You +fool!' roared he--' you great blundering marplot--you silly beggarly +brat' (a thump at each), 'hold your tongue!' These blows from Ulick, of +course, I did not care for, for he had always been my friend, and had +been in the habit of thrashing me all my life. + +When I got up from under the table all the ladies were gone; and I had +the satisfaction of seeing the Captain's nose was bleeding, as mine +was--HIS was cut across the bridge, and his beauty spoiled for ever. +Ulick shook himself, sat down quietly, filled a bumper, and pushed the +bottle to me. 'There, you young donkey,' said he, 'sup that; and let's +hear no more of your braying.' + +'In Heaven's name, what does all the row mean?' says my uncle. 'Is the +boy in the fever again?' + +'It's all your fault,' said Mick sulkily: 'yours and those who brought +him here.' + +'Hold your noise, Mick!' says Ulick, turning on him; 'speak civil of my +father and me, and don't let me be called upon to teach you manners.' + +'It IS your fault,' repeated Mick. 'What business has the vagabond here? +If I had my will, I'd have him flogged and turned out.' + +'And so he should be,' said Captain Quin. + +'You'd best not try it, Quin,' said Ulick, who was always my champion; +and turning to his father, 'The fact is, sir, that the young monkey has +fallen in love with Nora, and finding her and the Captain mighty sweet +in the garden to-day, he was for murdering Jack Quin.' + +'Gad, he's beginning young,' said my uncle, quite good-humouredly. +''Faith, Fagan, that boy's a Brady, every inch of him.' + +'And I'll tell you what, Mr. B.,' cried Quin, bristling up: 'I've been +insulted grossly in this 'OUSE. I ain't at all satisfied with these here +ways of going on. I'm an Englishman I am, and a man of property; and +I--I'--'If you're insulted, and not satisfied, remember there's two of +us, Quin,' said Ulick gruffly. On which the Captain fell to washing his +nose in water, and answered never a word. + +'Mr. Quin,' said I, in the most dignified tone I could assume, 'may +also have satisfaction any time he pleases, by calling on Redmond Barry, +Esquire, of Barryville.' At which speech my uncle burst out a-laughing +(as he did at everything); and in this laugh, Captain Fagan, much to my +mortification, joined. I turned rather smartly upon him, however, and +bade him to understand that as for my cousin Ulick, who had been my best +friend through life, I could put up with rough treatment from him; yet, +though I was a boy, even that sort of treatment I would bear from him +no longer; and any other person who ventured on the like would find me a +man, to their cost. 'Mr. Quin,' I added, 'knows that fact very well; and +if HE'S a man, he'll know where to find me.' + +My uncle now observed that it was getting late, and that my mother would +be anxious about me. 'One of you had better go home with him,' said he, +turning to his sons, 'or the lad may be playing more pranks.' But Ulick +said, with a nod to his brother, 'Both of us ride home with Quin here.' + +'I'm not afraid of Freny's people,' said the Captain, with a faint +attempt at a laugh; 'my man is armed, and so am I.' + +'You know the use of arms very well, Quin,' said Ulick; 'and no one can +doubt your courage; but Mick and I will see you home for all that.' + +'Why, you'll not be home till morning, boys. Kilwangan's a good ten mile +from here.' + +'We'll sleep at Quin's quarters,' replied Ulick: 'WE'RE GOING TO STOP A +WEEK THERE.' + +'Thank you,' says Quin, very faint; 'it's very kind of you.' + +'You'll be lonely, you know, without us.' + +'Oh yes, very lonely!' says Quin. + +'And in ANOTHER WEEK, my boy,' says Ulick (and here he whispered +something in the Captain's ear, in which I thought I caught the words +'marriage,' 'parson,' and felt all my fury returning again). + +'As you please,' whined out the Captain; and the horses were quickly +brought round, and the three gentlemen rode away. + +Fagan stopped, and, at my uncle's injunction, walked across the old +treeless park with me. He said that after the quarrel at dinner, he +thought I would scarcely want to see the ladies that night, in which +opinion I concurred entirely; and so we went off without an adieu. + +'A pretty day's work of it you have made, Master Redmond,' said +he. 'What! you a friend to the Bradys, and knowing your uncle to be +distressed for money, try and break off a match which will bring fifteen +hundred a year into the family? Quin has promised to pay off the four +thousand pounds which is bothering your uncle so. He takes a girl +without a penny--a girl with no more beauty than yonder bullock. +Well, well, don't look furious; let's say she IS handsome--there's no +accounting for tastes,--a girl that has been flinging herself at the +head of every man in these parts these ten years past, and MISSING them +all. And you, as poor as herself, a boy of fifteen--well, sixteen, if +you insist--and a boy who ought to be attached to your uncle as to your +father'-- + +'And so I am,' said I. + +'And this is the return you make him for his kindness! Didn't he harbour +you in his house when you were an orphan, and hasn't he given you +rent-free your fine mansion of Barryville yonder? And now, when his +affairs can be put into order, and a chance offers for his old age to +be made comfortable, who flings himself in the way of him and +competence?--You, of all others; the man in the world most obliged to +him. It's wicked, ungrateful, unnatural. From a lad of such spirit as +you are, I expect a truer courage.' + +'I am not afraid of any man alive,' exclaimed I (for this latter part of +the Captain's argument had rather staggered me, and I wished, of course, +to turn it--as one always should when the enemy's too strong); 'and it's +_I_ am the injured man, Captain Fagan. No man was ever, since the world +began, treated so. Look here--look at this riband. I've worn it in +my heart for six months. I've had it there all the time of the fever. +Didn't Nora take it out of her own bosom and give it me? Didn't she kiss +me when she gave it me, and call me her darling Redmond?' + +'She was PRACTISING,' replied Mr. Fagan, with a sneer. 'I know women, +sir. Give them time, and let nobody else come to the house, and they'll +fall in love with a chimney-sweep. There was a young lady in Fermoy'-- + +'A young lady in flames,' roared I (but I used a still hotter word). +'Mark this; come what will of it, I swear I'll fight the man who +pretends to the hand of Nora Brady. I'll follow him, if it's into the +church, and meet him there. I'll have his blood, or he shall have mine; +and this riband shall be found dyed in it. Yes, and if I kill him, I'll +pin it on his breast, and then she may go and take back her token.' This +I said because I was very much excited at the time, and because I had +not read novels and romantic plays for nothing. + +'Well,' says Fagan after a pause, 'if it must be, it must. For a young +fellow, you are the most blood-thirsty I ever saw. Quin's a determined +fellow, too.' + +'Will you take my message to him?' said I, quite eagerly. + +'Hush!' said Fagan: 'your mother may be on the look-out. Here we are, +close to Barryville.' + +'Mind! not a word to my mother,' I said; and went into the house +swelling with pride and exultation to think that I should have a chance +against the Englishman I hated so. + +Tim, my servant, had come up from Barryville on my mother's return from +church; for the good lady was rather alarmed at my absence, and anxious +for my return. But he had seen me go in to dinner, at the invitation of +the sentimental lady's-maid; and when he had had his own share of the +good things in the kitchen, which was always better furnished than ours +at home, had walked back again to inform his mistress where I was, and, +no doubt, to tell her, in his own fashion, of all the events that had +happened at Castle Brady. In spite of my precautions to secrecy, then, +I half suspected that my mother knew all, from the manner in which she +embraced me on my arrival, and received our guest, Captain Fagan. The +poor soul looked a little anxious and flushed, and every now and then +gazed very hard in the Captain's face; but she said not a word about the +quarrel, for she had a noble spirit, and would as lief have seen anyone +of her kindred hanged as shirking from the field of honour. What has +become of those gallant feelings nowadays? Sixty years ago a man was a +MAN, in old Ireland, and the sword that was worn by his side was at the +service of any gentleman's gizzard, upon the slightest difference. But +the good old times and usages are fast fading away. One scarcely every +hears of a fair meeting now, and the use of those cowardly pistols, in +place of the honourable and manly weapon of gentlemen, has introduced +a deal of knavery into the practice of duelling, that cannot be +sufficiently deplored. + +When I arrived at home I felt that I was a man in earnest, and welcoming +Captain Fagan to Barryville, and introducing him to my mother, in a +majestic and dignified way, said the Captain must be thirsty after his +walk, and called upon Tim to bring up a bottle of the yellow-sealed +Bordeaux, and cakes and glasses, immediately. + +Tim looked at the mistress in great wonderment: and the fact is, that +six hours previous I would as soon have thought of burning the house +down as calling for a bottle of claret on my own account; but I felt I +was a man now, and had a right to command; and my mother felt this too, +for she turned to the fellow and said, sharply, 'Don't you hear, you +rascal, what YOUR MASTER says! Go, get the wine, and the cakes and +glasses, directly.' Then (for you may be sure she did not give Tim the +keys of our little cellar) she went and got the liquor herself; and Tim +brought it in, on the silver tray, in due form. My dear mother poured +out the wine, and drank the Captain welcome; but I observed her hand +shook very much as she performed this courteous duty, and the bottle +went clink, clink, against the glass. When she had tasted her glass, +she said she had a headache, and would go to bed; and so I asked her +blessing, as becomes a dutiful son--(the modern BLOODS have given up the +respectful ceremonies which distinguished a gentleman in my time)--and +she left me and Captain Fagan to talk over our important business. + +'Indeed,' said the Captain,' I see now no other way out of the scrape +than a meeting. The fact is, there was a talk of it at Castle Brady, +after your attack upon Quin this afternoon, and he vowed that he would +cut you in pieces: but the tears and supplications of Miss Honoria +induced him, though very unwillingly, to relent. Now, however, matters +have gone too far. No officer, bearing His Majesty's commission, can +receive a glass of wine on his nose--this claret of yours is very good, +by the way, and by your leave we'll ring for another bottle--without +resenting the affront. Fight you must; and Quin is a huge strong +fellow.' + +'He'll give the better mark,' said I. 'I am not afraid of him.' + +'In faith,' said the Captain,' I believe you are not; for a lad, I never +saw more game in my life.' + +'Look at that sword, sir,' says I, pointing to an elegant silver-mounted +one, in a white shagreen case, that hung on the mantelpiece, under the +picture of my father, Harry Barry. 'It was with that sword, sir, that my +father pinked Mohawk O'Driscol, in Dublin, in the year 1740; with that +sword, sir, he met Sir Huddlestone Fuddlestone, the Hampshire baronet, +and ran him through the neck. They met on horseback, with sword and +pistol, on Hounslow Heath, as I dare say you have heard tell of, and +those are the pistols' (they hung on each side of the picture) 'which +the gallant Barry used. He was quite in the wrong, having insulted Lady +Fuddlestone, when in liquor, at the Brentford assembly. But, like a +gentleman, he scorned to apologise, and Sir Huddlestone received a ball +through his hat, before they engaged with the sword. I am Harry Barry's +son, sir, and will act as becomes my name and my quality.' + +'Give me a kiss, my dear boy,' said Fagan, with tears in his eyes. +'You're after my own soul. As long as Jack Fagan lives you shall never +want a friend or a second.' + +Poor fellow! he was shot six months afterwards, carrying orders to my +Lord George Sackville, at Minden, and I lost thereby a kind friend. But +we don't know what is in store for us, and that night was a merry one +at least. We had a second bottle, and a third too (I could hear the poor +mother going downstairs for each, but she never came into the parlour +with them, and sent them in by the butler, Mr. Tim): and we parted +at length, he engaging to arrange matters with Mr. Quin's second that +night, and to bring me news in the morning as to the place where the +meeting should take place. I have often thought since, how different my +fate might have been, had I not fallen in love with Nora at that early +age; and had I not flung the wine in Quin's face, and so brought on +the duel. I might have settled down in Ireland but for that (for Miss +Quinlan was an heiress, within twenty miles of us, and Peter Burke, +of Kilwangan, left his daughter Judy L700 a year, and I might have had +either of them, had I waited a few years). But it was in my fate to be +a wanderer, and that battle with Quin sent me on my travels at a very +early age: as you shall hear anon. + +I never slept sounder in my life, though I woke a little earlier than +usual; and you may be sure my first thought was of the event of the day, +for which I was fully prepared. I had ink and pen in my room--had I not +been writing those verses to Nora but the day previous, like a poor fond +fool as I was? And now I sat down and wrote a couple of letters more: +they might be the last, thought I, that I ever should write in my life. +The first was to my mother:-- + +'Honoured Madam'--I wrote--'This will not be given you unless I fall by +the hand of Captain Quin, whom I meet this day in the field of honour, +with sword and pistol. If I die, it is as a good Christian and a +gentleman,--how should I be otherwise when educated by such a mother as +you? I forgive all my enemies--I beg your blessing as a dutiful son. +I desire that my mare Nora, which my uncle gave me, and which I called +after the most faithless of her sex, may be returned to Castle Brady, +and beg you will give my silver-hiked hanger to Phil Purcell, the +gamekeeper. Present my duty to my uncle and Ulick, and all the girls of +MY party there. And I remain your dutiful son, + +'REDMOND BARRY.' + +To Nora I wrote:-- + +'This letter will be found in my bosom along with the token you gave me. +It will be dyed in my blood (unless I have Captain Quin's, whom I +hate, but forgive), and will be a pretty ornament for you on your +marriage-day. Wear it, and think of the poor boy to whom you gave it, +and who died (as he was always ready to do) for your sake. + +'REDMOND.' + +These letters being written, and sealed with my father's great silver +seal of the Barry arms, I went down to breakfast; where my mother was +waiting for me, you may be sure. We did not say a single word about what +was taking place: on the contrary, we talked of anything but that; about +who was at church the day before, and about my wanting new clothes now +I was grown so tall. She said I must have a suit against winter, +if--if--she could afford it. She winced rather at the 'if,' Heaven bless +her! I knew what was in her mind. And then she fell to telling me about +the black pig that must be killed, and that she had found the speckled +hen's nest that morning, whose eggs I liked so, and other such trifling +talk. Some of these eggs were for breakfast, and I ate them with a +good appetite; but in helping myself to salt I spilled it, on which she +started up with a scream. 'THANK GOD,' said she, 'IT'S FALLEN TOWARDS +ME.' And then, her heart being too full, she left the room. Ah! they +have their faults, those mothers; but are there any other women like +them? + +When she was gone I went to take down the sword with which my father had +vanquished the Hampshire baronet, and, would you believe it?--the brave +woman had tied A NEW RIBAND to the hilt: for indeed she had the courage +of a lioness and a Brady united. And then I took down the pistols, which +were always kept bright and well oiled, and put some fresh flints I +had into the locks, and got balls and powder ready against the Captain +should come. There was claret and a cold fowl put ready for him on the +sideboard, and a case-bottle of old brandy too, with a couple of little +glasses on the silver tray with the Barry arms emblazoned. In after +life, and in the midst of my fortune and splendour, I paid thirty-five +guineas, and almost as much more interest, to the London goldsmith who +supplied my father with that very tray. A scoundrel pawnbroker would +only give me sixteen for it afterwards; so little can we trust the +honour of rascally tradesmen! + +At eleven o'clock Captain Fagan arrived, on horseback, with a mounted +dragoon after him. He paid his compliments to the collation which my +mother's care had provided for him, and then said, 'Look ye, Redmond my +boy; this is a silly business. The girl will marry Quin, mark my words; +and as sure as she does you'll forget her. You are but a boy. Quin is +willing to consider you as such. Dublin's a fine place, and if you have +a mind to take a ride thither and see the town for a month, here are +twenty guineas at your service. Make Quin an apology, and be off.' + +'A man of honour, Mr. Fagan,' says I, 'dies, but never apologises. I'll +see the Captain hanged before I apologise.' + +'Then there's nothing for it but a meeting.' + +'My mare is saddled and ready,' says I; 'where's the meeting, and who's +the Captain's second?' + +'Your cousins go out with him,' answered Mr. Fagan. + +'I'll ring for my groom to bring my mare round,' I said, 'as soon as you +have rested yourself.' Tim was accordingly despatched for Nora, and I +rode away, but I didn't take leave of Mrs. Barry. The curtains of +her bedroom windows were down, and they didn't move as we mounted and +trotted off... BUT TWO HOURS AFTERWARDS, you should have seen her as she +came tottering downstairs, and heard the scream which she gave as she +hugged her boy to her heart, quite unharmed and without a wound in his +body. + +What had taken place I may as well tell here. When we got to the ground, +Ulick, Mick, and the Captain were already there: Quin, flaming in red +regimentals, as big a monster as ever led a grenadier company. The party +were laughing together at some joke of one or the other: and I must say +I thought this laughter very unbecoming in my cousins, who were met, +perhaps, to see the death of one of their kindred. + +'I hope to spoil this sport,' says I to Captain Fagan, in a great rage, +'and trust to see this sword of mine in yonder big bully's body.' + +'Oh! it's with pistols we fight,' replied Mr. Fagan. 'You are no match +for Quin with the sword.' + +'I'll match any man with the sword,' said I. + +'But swords are to-day impossible; Captain Quin is--is lame. He knocked +his knee against the swinging park-gate last night, as he was riding +home, and can scarce move it now.' + +'Not against Castle Brady gate,' says I: 'that has been off the hinges +these ten years.' On which Fagan said it must have been some other +gate, and repeated what he had said to Mr. Quin and my cousins, when, on +alighting from our horses, we joined and saluted those gentlemen. + +'Oh yes! dead lame,' said Ulick, coming to shake me by the hand, while +Captain Quin took off his hat and turned extremely red. 'And very lucky +for you, Redmond my boy,' continued Ulick; 'you were a dead man else; +for he is a devil of a fellow--isn't he, Fagan?' + +'A regular Turk,' answered Fagan; adding, 'I never yet knew the man who +stood to Captain Quin.' + +'Hang the business!' said Ulick; 'I hate it. I'm ashamed of it. Say +you're sorry, Redmond: you can easily say that.' + +'If the young FELLER will go to DUBLING, as proposed'--here interposed +Mr. Quin. + +'I am NOT sorry--I'll NOT apologise--and I'll as soon go to DUBLING as +to--!' said I, with a stamp of my foot. + +'There's nothing else for it,' said Ulick with a laugh to Fagan. 'Take +your ground, Fagan,--twelve paces, I suppose?' + +'Ten, sir,' said Mr. Quin, in a big voice; 'and make them short ones, do +you hear, Captain Fagan?' + +'Don't bully, Mr. Quin,' said Ulick surlily; 'here are the pistols.' And +he added, with some emotion, to me, 'God bless you, my boy; and when I +count three, fire.' + +Mr. Fagan put my pistol into my hand,--that is, not one of mine (which +were to serve, if need were, for the next round), but one of Ulick's. +'They are all right,' said he. 'Never fear: and, Redmond, fire at his +neck--hit him there under the gorget. See how the fool shows himself +open.' Mick, who had never spoken a word, Ulick, and the Captain retired +to one side, and Ulick gave the signal. It was slowly given, and I had +leisure to cover my man well. I saw him changing colour and trembling as +the numbers were given. At 'three,' both our pistols went off. I heard +something whizz by me, and my antagonist, giving a most horrible groan, +staggered backwards and fell. + +'He's down--he's down!' cried the seconds, running towards him. Ulick +lifted him up--Mick took his head. + +'He's hit here, in the neck,' said Mick; and laying open his coat, blood +was seen gurgling from under his gorget, at the very spot at which I +aimed. + +'How is it with you?' said Ulick. 'Is he really hit?' said he, looking +hard at him. The unfortunate man did not answer, but when the support +of Ulick's arm was withdrawn from his back, groaned once more, and fell +backwards. + +'The young fellow has begun well,' said Mick, with a scowl. 'You had +better ride off, young sir, before the police are up. They had wind of +the business before we left Kilwangan.' + +'Is he quite dead?' said I. + +'Quite dead,' answered Mick. + +'Then the world's rid of A COWARD,' said Captain Fagan, giving the huge +prostrate body a scornful kick with his foot. 'It's all over with him, +Reddy,--he doesn't stir.' + +'WE are not cowards, Fagan,' said Ulick roughly, 'whatever he was! Let's +get the boy off as quick as we may. Your man shall go for a cart, and +take away the body of this unhappy gentleman. This has been a sad day's +work for our family, Redmond Barry: you have robbed us of 1500(pounds) a +year.' + +'It was Nora did it,' said I; 'not I.' And I took the riband she gave me +out of my waistcoat, and the letter, and flung them down on the body of +Captain Quin. 'There!' says I--'take her those ribands. She'll know what +they mean: and that's all that's left to her of two lovers she had and +ruined.' + +I did not feel any horror or fear, young as I was, in seeing my enemy +prostrate before me; for I knew that I had met and conquered him +honourably in the field, as became a man of my name and blood. + +'And now, in Heaven's name, get the youngster out of the way,' said +Mick. + +Ulick said he would ride with me, and off accordingly we galloped, never +drawing bridle till we came to my mother's door. When there, Ulick told +Tim to feed my mare, as I would have far to ride that day; and I was in +the poor mother's arms in a minute. + +I need not tell how great were her pride and exultation when she heard +from Ulick's lips the account of my behaviour at the duel. He urged, +however, that I should go into hiding for a short time; and it was +agreed between them that I should drop my name of Barry, and, taking +that of Redmond, go to Dublin, and there wait until matters were blown +over. This arrangement was not come to without some discussion; for why +should I not be as safe at Barryville, she said, as my cousin and Ulick +at Castle Brady?--bailiffs and duns never got near THEM; why should +constables be enabled to come upon me? But Ulick persisted in the +necessity of my instant departure; in which argument, as I was anxious +to see the world, I must confess, I sided with him; and my mother was +brought to see that in our small house at Barryville, in the midst of +the village, and with the guard but of a couple of servants, escape +would be impossible. So the kind soul was forced to yield to my cousin's +entreaties, who promised her, however, that the affair would soon be +arranged, and that I should be restored to her. Ah! how little did he +know what fortune was in store for me! + +My dear mother had some forebodings, I think, that our separation was +to be a long one; for she told me that all night long she had been +consulting the cards regarding my fate in the duel: and that all the +signs betokened a separation; then, taking out a stocking from her +escritoire, the kind soul put twenty guineas in a purse for me (she had +herself but twenty-five), and made up a little valise, to be placed +at the back of my mare, in which were my clothes, linen, and a silver +dressing-case of my father's. She bade me, too, to keep the sword and +the pistols I had known to use so like a man. She hurried my departure +now (though her heart, I know, was full), and almost in half-an-hour +after my arrival at home I was once more on the road again, with the +wide world as it were before me. I need not tell how Tim and the cook +cried at my departure: and, mayhap, I had a tear or two myself in my +eyes; but no lad of sixteen is VERY sad who has liberty for the first +time, and twenty guineas in his pocket: and I rode away, thinking, I +confess, not so much of the kind mother left alone, and of the home +behind me, as of to-morrow, and all the wonders it would bring. + + + + +CHAPTER III. A FALSE START IN THE GENTEEL WORLD + +I rode that night as far as Carlow, where I lay at the best inn; and +being asked what was my name by the landlord of the house, gave it as +Mr. Redmond, according to my cousin's instructions, and said I was of +the Redmonds of Waterford county, and was on my road to Trinity +College, Dublin, to be educated there. Seeing my handsome appearance, +silver-hiked sword, and well-filled valise, my landlord made free to +send up a jug of claret without my asking; and charged, you may be sure, +pretty handsomely for it in the bill. No gentleman in those good old +days went to bed without a good share of liquor to set him sleeping, and +on this my first day's entrance into the world, I made a point to act +the fine gentleman completely; and, I assure you, succeeded in my part +to admiration. The excitement of the events of the day, the quitting my +home, the meeting with Captain Quin, were enough to set my brains in a +whirl, without the claret; which served to finish me completely. I did +not dream of the death of Quin, as some milksops, perhaps, would have +done; indeed, I have never had any of that foolish remorse consequent +upon any of my affairs of honour: always considering, from the first, +that where a gentleman risks his own life in manly combat, he is a fool +to be ashamed because he wins. I slept at Carlow as sound as man could +sleep; drank a tankard of small beer and a toast to my breakfast; and +exchanged the first of my gold pieces to settle the bill, not forgetting +to pay all the servants liberally, and as a gentleman should. I began +so the first day of my life, and so have continued. No man has been +at greater straits than I, and has borne more pinching poverty and +hardship; but nobody can say of me that, if I had a guinea, I was not +free-handed with it, and did not spend it as well as a lord could do. + +I had no doubts of the future: thinking that a man of my person, parts, +and courage, could make his way anywhere. Besides, I had twenty gold +guineas in my pocket; a sum which (although I was mistaken) I calculated +would last me for four months at least, during which time something +would be done towards the making of my fortune. So I rode on, singing +to myself, or chatting with the passers-by; and all the girls along the +road said God save me for a clever gentleman! As for Nora and Castle +Brady, between to-day and yesterday there seemed to be a gap as of +half-a-score of years. I vowed I would never re-enter the place but as a +great man; and I kept my vow too, as you shall hear in due time. + +There was much more liveliness and bustle on the king's highroad in +those times, than in these days of stage-coaches, which carry you from +one end of the kingdom to another in a few score hours. The gentry rode +their own horses or drove in their own coaches, and spent three days +on a journey which now occupies ten hours; so that there was no lack +of company for a person travelling towards Dublin. I made part of +the journey from Carlow towards Naas with a well-armed gentleman from +Kilkenny, dressed in green and a gold cord, with a patch on his eye, and +riding a powerful mare. He asked me the question of the day, and whither +I was bound, and whether my mother was not afraid on account of the +highwaymen to let one so young as myself to travel? But I said, pulling +out one of them from a holster, that I had a pair of good pistols that +had already done execution, and were ready to do it again; and here, a +pock-marked man coming up, he put spurs into his bay mare and left me. +She was a much more powerful animal than mine; and, besides, I did not +wish to fatigue my horse, wishing to enter Dublin that night, and in +reputable condition. + +As I rode towards Kilcullen, I saw a crowd of the peasant-people +assembled round a one-horse chair, and my friend in green, as I thought, +making off half a mile up the hill. A footman was howling 'Stop thief!' +at the top of his voice; but the country fellows were only laughing at +his distress, and making all sorts of jokes at the adventure which had +just befallen. + +'Sure you might have kept him off with your blunderBUSH!' says one +fellow. + +'Oh, the coward! to let the Captain BATE you; and he only one eye!' +cries another. + +'The next time my Lady travels, she'd better lave you at home!' said a +third. + +'What is this noise, fellows?' said I, riding up amongst them, and, +seeing a lady in the carriage very pale and frightened, gave a slash of +my whip, and bade the red-shanked ruffians keep off. 'What has happened, +madam, to annoy your Ladyship?' I said, pulling off my hat, and bringing +my mare up in a prance to the chair window. + +The lady explained. She was the wife of Captain Fitzsimons, and was +hastening to join the Captain at Dublin. Her chair had been stopped by a +highway-man: the great oaf of a servant-man had fallen down on his knees +armed as he was; and though there were thirty people in the next field +working when the ruffian attacked her, not one of them would help her; +but, on the contrary, wished the Captain, as they called the highwayman, +good luck. + +'Sure he's the friend of the poor,' said one fellow, 'and good luck to +him!' + +'Was it any business of ours?' asked another. And another told, +grinning, that it was the famous Captain Freny, who, having bribed the +jury to acquit him two days back at Kilkenny assizes, had mounted his +horse at the gaol door, and the very next day had robbed two barristers +who were going the circuit. + +I told this pack of rascals to be off to their work, or they should +taste of my thong, and proceeded, as well as I could, to comfort Mrs. +Fitzsimons under her misfortunes. 'Had she lost much?' 'Everything: her +purse, containing upwards of a hundred guineas; her jewels, snuff-boxes, +watches, and a pair of diamond shoe-buckles of the Captain's.' These +mishaps I sincerely commiserated; and knowing her by her accent to be +an Englishwoman, deplored the difference that existed between the +two countries, and said that in OUR country (meaning England) such +atrocities were unknown. + +'You, too, are an Englishman?' said she, with rather a tone of surprise. +On which I said I was proud to be such: as, in fact, I was; and I never +knew a true Tory gentleman of Ireland who did not wish he could say as +much. + +I rode by Mrs. Fitzsimon's chair all the way to Naas; and, as she had +been robbed of her purse, asked permission to lend her a couple of +pieces to pay her expenses at the inn: which sum she was graciously +pleased to accept, and was, at the same time, kind enough to invite +me to share her dinner. To the lady's questions regarding my birth and +parentage, I replied that I was a young gentleman of large fortune (this +was not true; but what is the use of crying bad fish? my dear mother +instructed me early in this sort of prudence) and good family in the +county of Waterford; that I was going to Dublin for my studies, and that +my mother allowed me five hundred per annum. Mrs. Fitzsimons was equally +communicative. She was the daughter of General Granby Somerset of +Worcestershire, of whom, of course, I had heard (and though I had not, +of course I was too well-bred to say so); and had made, as she must +confess, a runaway match with Ensign Fitzgerald Fitzsimons. Had I been +in Donegal?--No! That was a pity. The Captain's father possesses a +hundred thousand acres there, and Fitzsimonsburgh Castle's the finest +mansion in Ireland. Captain Fitzsimons is the eldest son; and, though he +has quarrelled with his father, must inherit the vast property. She went +on to tell me about the balls at Dublin, the banquets at the Castle, the +horse-races at the Phoenix, the ridottos and routs, until I became quite +eager to join in those pleasures; and I only felt grieved to think that +my position would render secrecy necessary, and prevent me from being +presented at the Court, of which the Fitzsimonses were the most elegant +ornaments. How different was her lively rattle to that of the vulgar +wenches at the Kilwangan assemblies! In every sentence she mentioned a +lord or a person of quality. She evidently spoke French and Italian, of +the former of which languages I have said I knew a few words; and, as +for her English accent, why, perhaps I was no judge of that, for, to +say the truth, she was the first REAL English person I had ever met. She +recommended me, further, to be very cautious with regard to the company +I should meet at Dublin, where rogues and adventurers of all countries +abounded; and my delight and gratitude to her may be imagined, when, as +our conversation grew more intimate (as we sat over our dessert), she +kindly offered to accommodate me with lodgings in her own house, where +her Fitzsimons, she said, would welcome with delight her gallant young +preserver. + +'Indeed, madam,' said I, 'I have preserved nothing for you.' Which was +perfectly true; for had I not come up too late after the robbery to +prevent the highwayman from carrying off her money and pearls? + +'And sure, ma'am, them wasn't much,' said Sullivan, the blundering +servant, who had been so frightened at Freny's approach, and was waiting +on us at dinner. 'Didn't he return you the thirteenpence in copper, and +the watch, saying it was only pinch-beck?' + +But his lady rebuked him for a saucy varlet, and turned him out of the +room at once, saying to me when he had gone, 'that the fool didn't +know what was the meaning of a hundred-pound bill, which was in the +pocket-book that Freny took from her.' + +Perhaps had I been a little older in the world's experience, I should +have begun to see that Madam Fitzsimons was not the person of fashion +she pretended to be; but, as it was, I took all her stories for truth, +and, when the landlord brought the bill for dinner, paid it with the air +of a lord. Indeed, she made no motion to produce the two pieces I had +lent to her; and so we rode on slowly towards Dublin, into which city we +made our entrance at nightfall. The rattle and splendour of the coaches, +the flare of the linkboys, the number and magnificence of the houses, +struck me with the greatest wonder; though I was careful to disguise +this feeling, according to my dear mother's directions, who told me that +it was the mark of a man of fashion never to wonder at anything, and +never to admit that any house, equipage, or company he saw, was more +splendid or genteel than what he had been accustomed to at home. + +We stopped, at length, at a house of rather mean appearance, and were +let into a passage by no means so clean as that at Barryville, where +there was a great smell of supper and punch. A stout red-faced man, +without a periwig, and in rather a tattered nightgown and cap, made his +appearance from the parlour, and embraced his lady (for it was Captain +Fitzsimons) with a great deal of cordiality. Indeed, when he saw that a +stranger accompanied her, he embraced her more rapturously than ever. +In introducing me, she persisted in saying that I was her preserver, and +complimented my gallantry as much as if I had killed Freny, instead +of coming up when the robbery was over. The Captain said he knew the +Redmonds of Waterford intimately well: which assertion alarmed me, as I +knew nothing of the family to which I was stated to belong. But I posed +him, by asking WHICH of the Redmonds he knew, for I had never heard his +name in our family. He said he knew the Redmonds of Redmondstown. 'Oh,' +says I, 'mine are the Redmonds of Castle Redmond;' and so I put him off +the scent. I went to see my nag put up at a livery-stable hard by, with +the Captain's horse and chair, and returned to my entertainer. + +Although there were the relics of some mutton-chops and onions on a +cracked dish before him, the Captain said, 'My love, I wish I had known +of your coming, for Bob Moriarty and I just finished the most delicious +venison pasty, which his Grace the Lord Lieutenant sent us, with a +flask of Sillery from his own cellar. You know the wine, my dear? But as +bygones are bygones, and no help for them, what say ye to a fine lobster +and a bottle of as good claret as any in Ireland? Betty, clear these +things from the table, and make the mistress and our young friend +welcome to our home.' + +Not having small change, Mr. Fitzsimons asked me to lend him a +tenpenny-piece to purchase the dish of lobsters; but his lady, handing +out one of the guineas I had given her, bade the girl get the change +for that, and procure the supper; which she did presently, bringing back +only a very few shillings out of the guinea to her mistress, saying that +the fishmonger had kept the remainder for an old account. 'And the more +great big blundering fool you, for giving the gold piece to him,' roared +Mr. Fitzsimons. I forget how many hundred guineas he said he had paid +the fellow during the year. + +Our supper was seasoned, if not by any great elegance, at least by a +plentiful store of anecdotes, concerning the highest personages of the +city; with whom, according to himself, the Captain lived on terms of +the utmost intimacy. Not to be behindhand with him, I spoke of my own +estates and property as if I was as rich as a duke. I told all the +stories of the nobility I had ever heard from my mother, and some that, +perhaps, I had invented; and ought to have been aware that my host +was an impostor himself, as he did not find out my own blunders and +misstatements. But youth is ever too confident. It was some time +before I knew that I had made no very desirable acquaintance in Captain +Fitzsimons and his lady; and, indeed, went to bed congratulating myself +upon my wonderful good luck in having, at the outset of my adventures, +fallen in with so distinguished a couple. + +The appearance of the chamber I occupied might, indeed, have led me to +imagine that the heir of Fitzsimonsburgh Castle, county Donegal, was not +as yet reconciled with his wealthy parents; and, had I been an English +lad, probably my suspicion and distrust would have been aroused +instantly. But perhaps, as the reader knows, we are not so particular in +Ireland on the score of neatness as people are in this precise country; +hence the disorder of my bedchamber did not strike me so much. For were +not all the windows broken and stuffed with rags even at Castle Brady, +my uncle's superb mansion? Was there ever a lock to the doors there, or +if a lock, a handle to the lock or a hasp to fasten it to? So, though +my bedroom boasted of these inconveniences, and a few more; though my +counterpane was evidently a greased brocade dress of Mrs. Fitzsimons's, +and my cracked toilet-glass not much bigger than a half-crown, yet I was +used to this sort of ways in Irish houses, and still thought myself in +that of a man of fashion. There was no lock to the drawers, which, when +they DID open, were full of my hostess's rouge-pots, shoes, stays, and +rags; so I allowed my wardrobe to remain in my valise, but set out my +silver dressing-apparatus upon the ragged cloth on the drawers, where it +shone to great advantage. + +When Sullivan appeared in the morning, I asked him about my mare, +which he informed me was doing well. I then bade him bring me hot +shaving-water, in a loud dignified tone. + +'Hot shaving-water!' says he, bursting out laughing (and I confess not +without reason). 'Is it yourself you're going to shave?' said he. 'And +maybe when I bring you up the water I'll bring you up the cat too, and +you can shave her.' I flung a boot at the scoundrel's head in reply +to this impertinence, and was soon with my friends in the parlour for +breakfast. There was a hearty welcome, and the same cloth that had +been used the night before: as I recognised by the black mark of the +Irish-stew dish, and the stain left by a pot of porter at supper. + +My host greeted me with great cordiality; Mrs. Fitzsimons said I was an +elegant figure for the Phoenix; and indeed, without vanity, I may say of +myself that there were worse-looking fellows in Dublin than I. I had not +the powerful chest and muscular proportion which I have since attained +(to be exchanged, alas! for gouty legs and chalk-stones in my fingers; +but 'tis the way of mortality), but I had arrived at near my present +growth of six feet, and with my hair in buckle, a handsome lace jabot +and wristbands to my shirt, and a red plush waistcoat, barred with gold, +looked the gentleman I was born. I wore my drab coat with plate +buttons, that was grown too small for me, and quite agreed with Captain +Fitzsimons that I must pay a visit to his tailor, in order to procure +myself a coat more fitting my size. + +'I needn't ask whether you had a comfortable bed,' said he. 'Young Fred +Pimpleton (Lord Pimpleton's second son) slept in it for seven months, +during which he did me the honour to stay with me, and if HE was +satisfied, I don't know who else wouldn't be.' + +After breakfast we walked out to see the town, and Mr. Fitzsimons +introduced me to several of his acquaintances whom we met, as his +particular young friend Mr. Redmond, of Waterford county; he also +presented me at his hatter's and tailor's as a gentleman of great +expectations and large property; and although I told the latter that I +should not pay him ready cash for more than one coat, which fitted me to +a nicety, yet he insisted upon making me several, which I did not care +to refuse. The Captain, also, who certainly wanted such a renewal of +raiment, told the tailor to send him home a handsome military frock, +which he selected. + +Then we went home to Mrs. Fitzsimons, who drove out in her chair to the +Phoenix Park, where a review was, and where numbers of the young gentry +were round about her; to all of whom she presented me as her preserver +of the day before. Indeed, such was her complimentary account of me, +that before half-an-hour I had got to be considered as a young gentleman +of the highest family in the land, related to all the principal +nobility, a cousin of Captain Fitzsimons, and heir to L10,000 a year. +Fitzsimons said he had ridden over every inch of my estate; and +'faith, as he chose to tell these stories for me, I let him have his +way--indeed, was not a little pleased (as youth is) to be made much of, +and to pass for a great personage. I had little notion then that I +had got among a set of impostors--that Captain Fitzsimons was only an +adventurer, and his lady a person of no credit; but such are the dangers +to which youth is perpetually subject, and hence let young men take +warning by me. + +I purposely hurry over the description of my life in which the incidents +were painful, of no great interest except to my unlucky self, and of +which my companions were certainly not of a kind befitting my quality. +The fact was, a young man could hardly have fallen into worse hands than +those in which I now found myself. I have been to Donegal since, +and have never seen the famous Castle of Fitzsimonsburgh, which is, +likewise, unknown to the oldest inhabitants of that county; nor are the +Granby Somersets much better known in Worcestershire. The couple into +whose hands I had fallen were of a sort much more common then than at +present, for the vast wars of later days have rendered it very difficult +for noblemen's footmen or hangers-on to procure commissions; and such, +in fact, had been the original station of Captain Fitzsimons. Had +I known his origin, of course I would have died rather than have +associated with him: but in those simple days of youth I took his tales +for truth, and fancied myself in high luck at being, at my outset into +life, introduced into such a family. Alas! we are the sport of destiny. +When I consider upon what small circumstances all the great events of my +life have turned, I can hardly believe myself to have been anything +but a puppet in the hands of Fate; which has played its most fantastic +tricks upon me. + +The Captain had been a gentleman's gentleman, and his lady of no higher +rank. The society which this worthy pair kept was at a sort of ordinary +which they held, and at which their friends were always welcome on +payment of a certain moderate sum for their dinner. After dinner, you +may be sure that cards were not wanting, and that the company who played +did not play for love merely. To these parties persons of all sorts +would come: young bloods from the regiments garrisoned in Dublin: young +clerks from the Castle; horse-riding, wine-tippling, watchman-beating +men of fashion about town, such as existed in Dublin in that day more +than in any other city with which I am acquainted in Europe. I never +knew young fellows make such a show, and upon such small means. I never +knew young gentlemen with what I may call such a genius for idleness; +and whereas an Englishman with fifty guineas a year is not able to do +much more than starve, and toil like a slave in a profession, a young +Irish buck with the same sum will keep his horses, and drink his bottle, +and live as lazy as a lord. Here was a doctor who never had a patient, +cheek by jowl with an attorney who never had a client: neither had +a guinea--each had a good horse to ride in the Park, and the best of +clothes to his back. A sporting clergyman without a living; several +young wine-merchants, who consumed much more liquor than they had or +sold; and men of similar character, formed the society at the house +into which, by ill luck, I was thrown. What could happen to a man but +misfortune from associating with such company?--(I have not mentioned +the ladies of the society, who were, perhaps, no better than the +males)--and in a very very short time I became their prey. + +As for my poor twenty guineas, in three days I saw, with terror, that +they had dwindled down to eight: theatres and taverns having already +made such cruel inroads in my purse. At play I had lost, it is true, a +couple of pieces; but seeing that every one round about me played upon +honour and gave their bills, I, of course, preferred that medium to the +payment of ready money, and when I lost paid on account. + +With the tailors, saddlers, and others, I employed similar means; and +in so far Mr. Fitzsimons's representation did me good, for the tradesmen +took him at his word regarding my fortune (I have since learned that the +rascal pigeoned several other young men of property), and for a little +time supplied me with any goods I might be pleased to order. At length, +my cash running low, I was compelled to pawn some of the suits with +which the tailor had provided me; for I did not like to part with my +mare, on which I daily rode in the Park, and which I loved as the +gift of my respected uncle. I raised some little money, too, on a few +trinkets which I had purchased of a jeweller who pressed his credit upon +me; and thus was enabled to keep up appearances for yet a little time. + +I asked at the post-office repeatedly for letters for Mr. Redmond, but +none such had arrived; and, indeed, I always felt rather relieved when +the answer of 'No' was given to me; for I was not very anxious that my +mother should know my proceedings in the extravagant life which I was +leading at Dublin. It could not last very long, however; for when my +cash was quite exhausted, and I paid a second visit to the tailor, +requesting him to make me more clothes, the fellow hummed and ha'd, and +had the impudence to ask payment for those already supplied: on which, +telling him I should withdraw my custom from him, I abruptly left him. +The goldsmith too (a rascal Jew) declined to let me take a gold chain +to which I had a fancy; and I felt now, for the first time, in some +perplexity. To add to it, one of the young gentlemen who frequented Mr. +Fitzsimons's boarding-house had received from me, in the way of play, +an IOU for eighteen pounds (which I lost to him at piquet), and which, +owing Mr. Curbyn, the livery-stable keeper, a bill, he passed into that +person's hands. Fancy my rage and astonishment, then, on going for my +mare, to find that he positively refused to let me have her out of the +stable, except under payment of my promissory note! It was in vain that +I offered him his choice of four notes that I had in my pocket--one of +Fitzsimons's for L20, one of Counsellor Mulligan's, and so forth; the +dealer, who was a Yorkshireman, shook his head, and laughed at every one +of them; and said, 'I tell you what, Master Redmond, you appear a young +fellow of birth and fortune, and let me whisper in your ear that you +have fallen into very bad hands--it's a regular gang of swindlers; and a +gentleman of your rank and quality should never be seen in such company. +Go home: pack up your valise, pay the little trifle to me, mount your +mare, and ride back again to your parents,--it's the very best thing you +can do.' + +In a pretty nest of villains, indeed, was I plunged! It seemed as if +all my misfortunes were to break on me at once; for, on going home and +ascending to my bedroom in a disconsolate way, I found the Captain +and his lady there before me, my valise open, my wardrobe lying on the +ground, and my keys in the possession of the odious Fitzsimons. 'Whom +have I been harbouring in my house?' roared he, as I entered the +apartment. 'Who are you, sirrah?' + +'SIRRAH! Sir,' said I, 'I am as good a gentleman as any in Ireland.' + +'You're an impostor, young man: a schemer, a deceiver!' shouted the +Captain. + +'Repeat the words again, and I will run you through the body,' replied +I. + +'Tut, tut! I can play at fencing as well as you, Mr. REDMOND BARRY. Ah! +you change colour, do you--your secret is known, is it? You come like a +viper into the bosom of innocent families; you represent yourself as the +heir of my friends the Redmonds of Castle Redmond; I inthrojuice you to +the nobility and genthry of this methropolis' (the Captain's brogue was +large, and his words, by preference, long); 'I take you to my tradesmen, +who give you credit, and what do I find? That you have pawned the goods +which you took up at their houses.' + +'I have given them my acceptances, sir,' said I with a dignified air. + +'UNDER WHAT NAME, unhappy boy--under what name?' screamed Mrs. +Fitzsimons; and then, indeed, I remembered that I had signed the +documents Barry Redmond instead of Redmond Barry: but what else could +I do? Had not my mother desired me to take no other designation? After +uttering a furious tirade against me, in which he spoke of the fatal +discovery of my real name on my linen--of his misplaced confidence of +affection, and the shame with which he should be obliged to meet his +fashionable friends and confess that he had harboured a swindler, he +gathered up the linen, clothes, silver toilet articles, and the rest of +my gear, saying that he should step out that moment for an officer and +give me up to the just revenge of the law. + +During the first part of his speech, the thought of the imprudence of +which I had been guilty, and the predicament in which I was plunged, had +so puzzled and confounded me, that I had not uttered a word in reply to +the fellow's abuse, but had stood quite dumb before him. The sense of +danger, however, at once roused me to action. 'Hark ye, Mr. Fitzsimons,' +said I; 'I will tell you why I was obliged to alter my name: which is +Barry, and the best name in Ireland. I changed it, sir, because, on +the day before I came to Dublin, I killed a man in deadly combat--an +Englishman, sir, and a captain in His Majesty's service; and if you +offer to let or hinder me in the slightest way, the same arm which +destroyed him is ready to punish you; and by Heaven, sir, you or I don't +leave this room alive!' + +So saying, I drew my sword like lightning, and giving a 'ha! ha!' and +a stamp with my foot, lunged within an inch of Fitzsimons's heart, who +started back and turned deadly pale, while his wife, with a scream, +flung herself between us. + +'Dearest Redmond,' she cried, 'be pacified. Fitzsimons, you don't want +the poor child's blood. Let him escape--in Heaven's name let him go.' + +'He may go hang for me,' said Fitzsimons sulkily; 'and he'd better be +off quickly, too, for the jeweller and the tailor have called once, +and will be here again before long. It was Moses the pawnbroker that +peached: I had the news from him myself.' By which I conclude that Mr. +Fitzsimons had been with the new laced frock-coat which he procured from +the merchant tailor on the day when the latter first gave me credit. + +What was the end of our conversation? Where was now a home for the +descendant of the Barrys? Home was shut to me by my misfortune in the +duel. I was expelled from Dublin by a persecution occasioned, I must +confess, by my own imprudence. I had no time to wait and choose: no +place of refuge to fly to. Fitzsimons, after his abuse of me, left the +room growling, but not hostile; his wife insisted that we should shake +hands, and he promised not to molest me. Indeed, I owed the fellow +nothing; and, on the contrary, had his acceptance actually in my pocket +for money lost at play. As for my friend Mrs. Fitzsimons, she sat down +on the bed and fairly burst out crying. She had her faults, but her +heart was kind; and though she possessed but three shillings in the +world, and fourpence in copper, the poor soul made me take it before +I left her--to go--whither? My mind was made up: there was a score of +recruiting-parties in the town beating up for men to join our gallant +armies in America and Germany; I knew where to find one of these, having +stood by the sergeant at a review in the Phoenix Park, where he pointed +out to me characters on the field, for which I treated him to drink. + +I gave one of my shillings to Sullivan the butler of the Fitzsimonses, +and, running into the street, hastened to the little alehouse at which +my acquaintance was quartered, and before ten minutes had accepted His +Majesty's shilling. I told him frankly that I was a young gentleman in +difficulties; that I had killed an officer in a duel, and was anxious +to get out of the country. But I need not have troubled myself with any +explanations; King George was too much in want of men then to heed from +whence they came, and a fellow of my inches, the sergeant said, was +always welcome. Indeed, I could not, he said, have chosen my time +better. A transport was lying at Dunleary, waiting for a wind, and on +board that ship, to which I marched that night, I made some surprising +discoveries, which shall be told in the next chapter. + + + + +CHAPTER IV. IN WHICH BARRY TAKES A NEAR VIEW OF MILITARY GLORY + +I never had a taste for anything but genteel company, and hate all +descriptions of low life. Hence my account of the society in which I +at present found myself must of necessity be short; and, indeed, +the recollection of it is profoundly disagreeable to me. Pah! the +reminiscences of the horrid black-hole of a place in which we soldiers +were confined; of the wretched creatures with whom I was now forced to +keep company; of the ploughmen, poachers, pickpockets, who had taken +refuge from poverty, or the law (as, in truth, I had done myself), is +enough to make me ashamed even now, and it calls the blush into my old +cheeks to think I was ever forced to keep such company. I should have +fallen into despair, but that, luckily, events occurred to rouse my +spirits, and in some measure to console me for my misfortunes. + +The first of these consolations I had was a good quarrel, which took +place on the day after my entrance into the transport-ship, with a huge +red-haired monster of a fellow--a chairman, who had enlisted to fly from +a vixen of a wife, who, boxer as he was, had been more than a match for +him. As soon as this fellow--Toole, I remember, was his name--got away +from the arms of the washerwoman his lady, his natural courage and +ferocity returned, and he became the tyrant of all round about him. +All recruits, especially, were the object of the brute's insult and +ill-treatment. + +I had no money, as I said, and was sitting very disconsolately over a +platter of rancid bacon and mouldy biscuit, which was served to us at +mess, when it came to my turn to be helped to drink, and I was served, +like the rest, with a dirty tin noggin, containing somewhat more than +half a pint of rum-and-water. The beaker was so greasy and filthy that I +could not help turning round to the messman and saying, 'Fellow, get me +a glass!' At which all the wretches round about me burst into a roar of +laughter, the very loudest among them being, of course, Mr. Toole. +'Get the gentleman a towel for his hands, and serve him a basin of +turtle-soup,' roared the monster, who was sitting, or rather squatting, +on the deck opposite me; and as he spoke he suddenly seized my beaker of +grog and emptied it, in the midst of another burst of applause. + +'If you want to vex him, ax him about his wife the washerwoman, who +BATES him,' here whispered in my ear another worthy, a retired link-boy, +who, disgusted with his profession, had adopted the military life. + +'Is it a towel of your wife's washing, Mr. Toole?' said I. 'I'm told she +wiped your face often with one.' + +'Ax him why he wouldn't see her yesterday, when she came to the ship,' +continued the link-boy. And so I put to him some other foolish jokes +about soapsuds, henpecking, and flat-irons, which set the man into a +fury, and succeeded in raising a quarrel between us. We should have +fallen to at once, but a couple of grinning marines, who kept watch at +the door, for fear we should repent of our bargain and have a fancy to +escape, came forward and interposed between us with fixed bayonets; +but the sergeant coming down the ladder, and hearing the dispute, +condescended to say that we might fight it out like men with FISTES if +we chose, and that the fore-deck should be free to us for that purpose. +But the use of fistes, as the Englishman called them, was not then +general in Ireland, and it was agreed that we should have a pair +of cudgels; with one of which weapons I finished the fellow in four +minutes, giving him a thump across his stupid sconce which laid +him lifeless on the deck, and not receiving myself a single hurt of +consequence. + +This victory over the cock of the vile dunghill obtained me respect +among the wretches of whom I formed part, and served to set up my +spirits, which otherwise were flagging; and my position was speedily +made more bearable by the arrival on board our ship of an old friend. +This was no other than my second in the fatal duel which had sent me +thus early out into the world, Captain Fagan. There was a young nobleman +who had a company in our regiment (Gale's foot), and who, preferring the +delights of the Mall and the clubs to the dangers of a rough campaign, +had given Fagan the opportunity of an exchange; which, as the latter had +no fortune but his sword, he was glad to make. The sergeant was +putting us through our exercise on deck (the seamen and officers of the +transport looking grinning on) when a boat came from the shore bringing +our captain to the ship; and though I started and blushed red as he +recognised me--a descendant of the Barrys--in this degrading posture, I +promise you that the sight of Fagan's face was most welcome to me, for +it assured me that a friend was near me. Before that I was so melancholy +that I would certainly have deserted had I found the means, and had not +the inevitable marines kept a watch to prevent any such escapes. +Fagan gave me a wink of recognition, but offered no public token of +acquaintance; it was not until two days afterwards, and when we had +bidden adieu to old Ireland and were standing out to sea, that he called +me into his cabin, and then, shaking hands with me cordially, gave me +news, which I much wanted, of my family. 'I had news of you in Dublin,' +he said. ''Faith you've begun early, like your father's son; and I think +you could not do better than as you have done. But why did you not write +home to your poor mother? She has sent a half-dozen letters to you at +Dublin.' + +I said I had asked for letters at the post-office, but there were none +for Mr. Redmond. I did not like to add that I had been ashamed, after +the first week, to write to my mother. + +'We must write to her by the pilot,' said he, 'who will leave us in +two hours; and you can tell her that you are safe, and married to Brown +Bess.' I sighed when he talked about being married; on which he said +with a laugh, 'I see you are thinking of a certain young lady at Brady's +Town.' + +'Is Miss Brady well?' said I; and indeed, could hardly utter it, for I +certainly WAS thinking about her: for, though I had forgotten her in +the gaieties of Dublin, I have always found adversity makes man very +affectionate. + +'There's only seven Miss Bradys now,' answered Fagan, in a solemn voice. +'Poor Nora'-- + +'Good heavens! what of her?' I thought grief had killed her. + +'She took on so at your going away that she was obliged to console +herself with a husband. She's now Mrs. John Quin.' + +'Mrs. John Quin! Was there ANOTHER Mr. John Quin?' asked I, quite +wonder-stricken. + +'No; the very same one, my boy. He recovered from his wound. The ball +you hit him with was not likely to hurt him. It was only made of tow. +Do you think the Bradys would let you kill fifteen hundred a year out of +the family?' And then Fagan further told me that, in order to get me out +of the way--for the cowardly Englishman could never be brought to marry +from fear of me--the plan of the duel had been arranged. 'But hit him +you certainly did, Redmond, and with a fine thick plugget of tow; and +the fellow was so frightened, that he was an hour in coming to. We +told your mother the story afterwards, and a pretty scene she made; she +despatched a half-score of letters to Dublin after you, but I suppose +addressed them to you in your real name, by which you never thought to +ask for them.' + +'The coward!' said I (though, I confess, my mind was considerably +relieved at the thoughts of not having killed him). 'And did the Bradys +of Castle Brady consent to admit a poltroon like that into one of the +most ancient and honourable families in the world?' + +'He has paid off your uncle's mortgage,' said Fagan; 'he gives Nora +a coach-and-six; he is to sell out, and Lieutenant Ulick Brady of the +Militia is to purchase his company. That coward of a fellow has been the +making of your uncle's family. 'Faith! the business was well done.' And +then, laughing, he told me how Mick and Ulick had never let him out +of their sight, although he was for deserting to England, until the +marriage was completed and the happy couple off on their road to Dublin. +'Are you in want of cash, my boy?' continued the good-natured Captain. +'You may draw upon me, for I got a couple of hundred out of Master Quin +for my share, and while they last you shall never want.' + +And so he bade me sit down and write a letter to my mother, which I did +forthwith in very sincere and repentant terms, stating that I had been +guilty of extravagances, that I had not known until that moment under +what a fatal error I had been labouring, and that I had embarked for +Germany as a volunteer. The letter was scarcely finished when the pilot +sang out that he was going on shore; and he departed, taking with him, +from many an anxious fellow besides myself, our adieux to friends in old +Ireland. + +Although I was called Captain Barry for many years of my life, and have +been known as such by the first people of Europe, yet I may as well +confess I had no more claim to the title than many a gentleman who +assumes it, and never had a right to an epaulet, or to any military +decoration higher than a corporal's stripe of worsted. I was made +corporal by Fagan during our voyage to the Elbe, and my rank was +confirmed on TERRA FIRMA. I was promised a halbert, too, and afterwards, +perhaps, an ensigncy, if I distinguished myself; but Fate did not intend +that I should remain long an English soldier: as shall appear presently. +Meanwhile, our passage was very favourable; my adventures were told +by Fagan to his brother officers, who treated me with kindness; and my +victory over the big chairman procured me respect from my comrades of +the fore-deck. Encouraged and strongly exhorted by Fagan, I did my duty +resolutely; but, though affable and good-humoured with the men, I never +at first condescended to associate with such low fellows: and, indeed, +was called generally amongst them 'my Lord.' I believe it was the +ex-link-boy, a facetious knave, who gave me the title; and I felt that I +should become such a rank as well as any peer in the kingdom. + +It would require a greater philosopher and historian than I am to +explain the causes of the famous Seven Years' War in which Europe was +engaged; and, indeed, its origin has always appeared to me to be +so complicated, and the books written about it so amazingly hard to +understand, that I have seldom been much wiser at the end of a chapter +than at the beginning, and so shall not trouble my reader with any +personal disquisitions concerning the matter. All I know is, that after +His Majesty's love of his Hanoverian dominions had rendered him most +unpopular in his English kingdom, with Mr. Pitt at the head of the +anti-German war-party, all of a sudden, Mr. Pitt becoming Minister, +the rest of the empire applauded the war as much as they had hated it +before. The victories of Dettingen and Crefeld were in every-body's +mouths, and 'the Protestant hero,' as we used to call the godless old +Frederick of Prussia, was adored by us as a saint, a very short time +after we had been about to make war against him in alliance with the +Empress-queen. Now, somehow, we were on Frederick's side: the Empress, +the French, the Swedes, and the Russians, were leagued against us; and +I remember, when the news of the battle of Lissa came even to our remote +quarter of Ireland, we considered it as a triumph for the cause of +Protestantism, and illuminated and bonfired, and had a sermon at church, +and kept the Prussian king's birthday; on which my uncle would get +drunk: as indeed on any other occasion. Most of the low fellows enlisted +with myself were, of course, Papists (the English army was filled with +such, out of that never-failing country of ours), and these, forsooth, +were fighting the battles of Protestantism with Frederick; who was +belabouring the Protestant Swedes and the Protestant Saxons, as well as +the Russians of the Greek Church, and the Papist troops of the Emperor +and the King of France. It was against these latter that the English +auxiliaries were employed, and we know that, be the quarrel what it may, +an Englishman and a Frenchman are pretty willing to make a fight of it. + +We landed at Cuxhaven, and before I had been a month in the Electorate +I was transformed into a tall and proper young soldier, and having a +natural aptitude for military exercise, was soon as accomplished at the +drill as the oldest sergeant in the regiment. It is well, however, to +dream of glorious war in a snug arm-chair at home; ay, or to make it as +an officer, surrounded by gentlemen, gorgeously dressed, and cheered by +chances of promotion. But those chances do not shine on poor fellows in +worsted lace: the rough texture of our red coats made me ashamed when I +saw an officer go by; my soul used to shudder when, on going the rounds, +I would hear their voices as they sat jovially over the mess-table; +my pride revolted at being obliged to plaster my hair with flour and +candle-grease, instead of using the proper pomatum for a gentleman. +Yes, my tastes have always been high and fashionable, and I loathed the +horrid company in which I was fallen. What chances had I of promotion? +None of my relatives had money to buy me a commission, and I became soon +so low-spirited, that I longed for a general action and a ball to finish +me, and vowed that I would take some opportunity to desert. + +When I think that I, the descendant of the kings of Ireland, was +threatened with a caning by a young scoundrel who had just joined from +Eton College--when I think that he offered to make me his footman, and +that I did not, on either occasion, murder him! On the first occasion I +burst into tears (I do not care to own it) and had serious thoughts of +committing suicide, so great was my mortification. But my kind friend +Fagan came to my aid in the circumstance, with some very timely +consolation. 'My poor boy,' said he, 'you must not take the matter to +heart so. Caning is only a relative disgrace. Young Ensign Fakenham was +flogged himself at Eton School only a month ago: I would lay a wager +that his scars are not yet healed. You must cheer up, my boy; do your +duty, be a gentleman, and no serious harm can fall on you.' And I heard +afterwards that my champion had taken Mr. Fakenham very severely to +task for this threat, and said to him that any such proceedings for the +future he should consider as an insult to himself; whereon the young +ensign was, for the moment, civil. As for the sergeants, I told one of +them, that if any man struck me, no matter who he might be, or what +the penalty, I would take his life. And, 'faith! there was an air of +sincerity in my speech which convinced the whole bevy of them; and as +long as I remained in the English service no rattan was ever laid on the +shoulders of Redmond Barry. Indeed, I was in that savage moody state, +that my mind was quite made up to the point, and I looked to hear my own +dead march played as sure as I was alive. When I was made a corporal, +some of my evils were lessened; I messed with the sergeants by special +favour, and used to treat them to drink, and lose money to the rascals +at play: with which cash my good friend Mr. Fagan punctually supplied +me. + +Our regiment, which was quartered about Stade and Luneburg, speedily +got orders to march southwards towards the Rhine, for news came that our +great General, Prince Ferdinand of Brunswick, had been defeated--no, not +defeated, but foiled in his attack upon the French under the Duke of +Broglio, at Bergen, near Frankfort-on-the-Main, and had been obliged to +fall back. As the allies retreated the French rushed forward, and made +a bold push for the Electorate of our gracious monarch in Hanover, +threatening that they would occupy it; as they had done before, when +D'Estrees beat the hero of Culloden, the gallant Duke of Cumberland, and +caused him to sign the capitulation of Closter Zeven. An advance upon +Hanover always caused a great agitation in the Royal bosom of the King +of England; more troops were sent to join us, convoys of treasure were +passed over to our forces, and to our ally's the King of Prussia; and +although, in spite of all assistance, the army under Prince Ferdinand +was very much weaker than that of the invading enemy, yet we had the +advantage of better supplies, one of the greatest Generals in the world: +and, I was going to add, of British valour, but the less we say about +THAT the better. My Lord George Sackville did not exactly cover himself +with laurels at Minden; otherwise there might have been won there one of +the greatest victories of modern times. + +Throwing himself between the French and the interior of the Electorate, +Prince Ferdinand wisely took possession of the free town of Bremen, +which he made his storehouse and place of arms; and round which he +gathered all his troops, making ready to fight the famous battle of +Minden. + +Were these Memoirs not characterised by truth, and did I deign to utter +a single word for which my own personal experience did not give me the +fullest authority, I might easily make myself the hero of some strange +and popular adventures, and, after the fashion of novel-writers, +introduce my reader to the great characters of this remarkable time. +These persons (I mean the romance-writers), if they take a drummer or +a dustman for a hero, somehow manage to bring him in contact with +the greatest lords and most notorious personages of the empire; and +I warrant me there's not one of them but, in describing the battle +of Minden, would manage to bring Prince Ferdinand, and my Lord George +Sackville, and my Lord Granby, into presence. It would have been easy +for me to have SAID I was present when the orders were brought to Lord +George to charge with the cavalry and finish the rout of the Frenchmen, +and when he refused to do so, and thereby spoiled the great victory. But +the fact is, I was two miles off from the cavalry when his Lordship's +fatal hesitation took place, and none of us soldiers of the line knew of +what had occurred until we came to talk about the fight over our kettles +in the evening, and repose after the labours of a hard-fought day. I saw +no one of higher rank that day than my colonel and a couple of orderly +officers riding by in the smoke--no one on our side, that is. A poor +corporal (as I then had the disgrace of being) is not generally invited +into the company of commanders and the great; but, in revenge, I saw, +I promise you, some very good company on the FRENCH part, for their +regiments of Lorraine and Royal Cravate were charging us all day; and +in THAT sort of MELEE high and low are pretty equally received. I hate +bragging, but I cannot help saying that I made a very close acquaintance +with the colonel of the Cravates; for I drove my bayonet into his body, +and finished off a poor little ensign, so young, slender, and small, +that a blow from my pigtail would have despatched him, I think, in +place of the butt of my musket, with which I clubbed him down. I killed, +besides, four more officers and men, and in the poor ensign's pocket +found a purse of fourteen louis-d'or, and a silver box of sugar-plums; +of which the former present was very agreeable to me. If people would +tell their stories of battles in this simple way, I think the cause of +truth would not suffer by it. All I know of this famous fight of Minden +(except from books) is told here above. The ensign's silver bon-bon box +and his purse of gold; the livid face of the poor fellow as he fell; +the huzzas of the men of my company as I went out under a smart fire +and rifled him; their shouts and curses as we came hand in hand with the +Frenchmen,--these are, in truth, not very dignified recollections, and +had best be passed over briefly. When my kind friend Fagan was shot, a +brother captain, and his very good friend, turned to Lieutenant Rawson +and said, 'Fagan's down; Rawson, there's your company.' It was all the +epitaph my brave patron got. 'I should have left you a hundred guineas, +Redmond,' were his last words to me, 'but for a cursed run of ill luck +last night at faro.' And he gave me a faint squeeze of the hand; then, +as the word was given to advance, I left him. When we came back to our +old ground, which we presently did, he was lying there still; but he +was dead. Some of our people had already torn off his epaulets, and, +no doubt, had rifled his purse. Such knaves and ruffians do men in war +become! It is well for gentlemen to talk of the age of chivalry; but +remember the starving brutes whom they lead--men nursed in poverty, +entirely ignorant, made to take a pride in deeds of blood--men who can +have no amusement but in drunkenness, debauch, and plunder. It is with +these shocking instruments that your great warriors and kings have been +doing their murderous work in the world; and while, for instance, we are +at the present moment admiring the 'Great Frederick,' as we call him, +and his philosophy, and his liberality, and his military genius, I, who +have served him, and been, as it were, behind the scenes of which that +great spectacle is composed, can only look at it with horror. What +a number of items of human crime, misery, slavery, go to form that +sum-total of glory! I can recollect a certain day about three weeks +after the battle of Minden, and a farmhouse in which some of us entered; +and how the old woman and her daughters served us, trembling, to wine; +and how we got drunk over the wine, and the house was in a flame, +presently; and woe betide the wretched fellow afterwards who came home +to look for his house and his children! + + + + +CHAPTER V. BARRY FAR FROM MILITARY GLORY + +After the death of my protector, Captain Fagan, I am forced to confess +that I fell into the very worst of courses and company. Being a rough +soldier of fortune himself, he had never been a favourite with the +officers of his regiment; who had a contempt for Irishmen, as Englishmen +sometimes will have, and used to mock his brogue, and his blunt uncouth +manners. I had been insolent to one or two of them, and had only been +screened from punishment by his intercession; especially his successor, +Mr. Rawson, had no liking for me, and put another man into the +sergeant's place vacant in his company after the battle of Minden. +This act of injustice rendered my service very disagreeable to me; and, +instead of seeking to conquer the dislike of my superiors, and win their +goodwill by good behaviour, I only sought for means to make my situation +easier to me, and grasped at all the amusements in my power. In a +foreign country, with the enemy before us, and the people continually +under contribution from one side or the other, numberless irregularities +were permitted to the troops which would not have been allowed in more +peaceable times. I descended gradually to mix with the sergeants, and to +share their amusements: drinking and gambling were, I am sorry to say, +our principal pastimes; and I fell so readily into their ways, that +though only a young lad of seventeen, I was the master of them all in +daring wickedness; though there were some among them who, I promise you, +were far advanced in the science of every kind of profligacy. I should +have been under the provost-marshal's hands, for a dead certainty, had +I continued much longer in the army: but an accident occurred which took +me out of the English service in rather a singular manner. + +The year in which George II died, our regiment had the honour to be +present at the battle of Warburg (where the Marquis of Granby and his +horse fully retrieved the discredit which had fallen upon the cavalry +since Lord George Sackville's defalcation at Minden), and where Prince +Ferdinand once more completely defeated the Frenchmen. During the +action, my lieutenant, Mr. Fakenham, of Fakenham, the gentleman who had +threatened me, it may be remembered, with the caning, was struck by a +musket-ball in the side. He had shown no want of courage in this or any +other occasion where he had been called upon to act against the French; +but this was his first wound, and the young gentleman was exceedingly +frightened by it. He offered five guineas to be carried into the town, +which was hard by; and I and another man, taking him up in a cloak, +managed to transport him into a place of decent appearance, where we put +him to bed, and where a young surgeon (who desired nothing better than +to take himself out of the fire of the musketry) went presently to dress +his wound. + +In order to get into the house, we had been obliged, it must be +confessed, to fire into the locks with our pieces; which summons brought +an inhabitant of the house to the door, a very pretty and black-eyed +young woman, who lived there with her old half-blind father, a retired +Jagdmeister of the Duke of Cassel, hard by. When the French were in the +town, Meinherr's house had suffered like those of his neighbours; and +he was at first exceedingly unwilling to accommodate his guests. But the +first knocking at the door had the effect of bringing a speedy answer; +and Mr. Fakenham, taking a couple of guineas out of a very full purse, +speedily convinced the people that they had only to deal with a person +of honour. + +Leaving the doctor (who was very glad to stop) with his patient, who +paid me the stipulated reward, I was returning to my regiment with my +other comrade--after having paid, in my German jargon, some deserved +compliments to the black-eyed beauty of Warburg, and thinking, with no +small envy, how comfortable it would be to be billeted there--when the +private who was with me cut short my reveries by suggesting that we +should divide the five guineas the lieutenant had given me. + +'There is your share,' said I, giving the fellow one piece; which was +plenty, as I was the leader of the expedition. But he swore a dreadful +oath that he would have half; and when I told him to go to a quarter +which I shall not name, the fellow, lifting his musket, hit me a blow +with the butt-end of it, which sent me lifeless to the ground: when I +awoke from my trance, I found myself bleeding with a large wound in the +head, and had barely time to stagger back to the house where I had left +the lieutenant, when I again fell fainting at the door. + +Here I must have been discovered by the surgeon on his issuing out; for +when I awoke a second time I found myself in the ground-floor of the +house, supported by the black-eyed girl, while the surgeon was copiously +bleeding me at the arm. There was another bed in the room where the +lieutenant had been laid,--it was that occupied by Gretel, the servant; +while Lischen, as my fair one was called, had, till now, slept in the +couch where the wounded officer lay. + +'Who are you putting into that bed?' said he languidly, in German; for +the ball had been extracted from his side with much pain and loss of +blood. + +They told him it was the corporal who had brought him. + +'A corporal?' said he, in English; 'turn him out.' And you may be sure +I felt highly complimented by the words. But we were both too faint to +compliment or to abuse each other much, and I was put to bed carefully; +and, on being undressed, had an opportunity to find that my pockets +had been rifled by the English soldier after he had knocked me down. +However, I was in good quarters: the young lady who sheltered me +presently brought me a refreshing drink; and, as I took it, I could not +help pressing the kind hand that gave it me; nor, in truth, did this +token of my gratitude seem unwelcome. + +This intimacy did not decrease with further acquaintance. I found +Lischen the tenderest of nurses. Whenever any delicacy was to be +provided for the wounded lieutenant, a share was always sent to the +bed opposite his, and to the avaricious man's no small annoyance. His +illness was long. On the second day the fever declared itself; for some +nights he was delirious; and I remember it was when a commanding +officer was inspecting our quarters, with an intention, very likely, of +billeting himself on the house, that the howling and mad words of the +patient overhead struck him, and he retired rather frightened. I had +been sitting up very comfortably in the lower apartment, for my hurt was +quite subsided; and it was only when the officer asked me, with a +rough voice, why I was not at my regiment, that I began to reflect how +pleasant my quarters were to me, and that I was much better here than +crawling under an odious tent with a parcel of tipsy soldiers, or going +the night-rounds or rising long before daybreak for drill. + +The delirium of Mr. Fakenham gave me a hint, and I determined forthwith +to GO MAD. There was a poor fellow about Brady's Town called 'Wandering +Billy,' whose insane pranks I had often mimicked as a lad, and I +again put them in practice. That night I made an attempt upon Lischen, +saluting her with a yell and a grin which frightened her almost out of +her wits; and when anybody came I was raving. The blow on the head had +disordered my brain; the doctor was ready to vouch for this fact. One +night I whispered to him that I was Julius Caesar, and considered him +to be my affianced wife Queen Cleopatra, which convinced him of my +insanity. Indeed, if Her Majesty had been like my Aesculapius, she must +have had a carroty beard, such as is rare in Egypt. + +A movement on the part of the French speedily caused an advance on our +part. The town was evacuated, except by a few Prussian troops, whose +surgeons were to visit the wounded in the place; and, when we were well, +we were to be drafted to our regiments. I determined that I never would +join mine again. My intention was to make for Holland, almost the only +neutral country of Europe in those times, and thence to get a passage +somehow to England, and home to dear old Brady's Town. + +If Mr. Fakenham is now alive, I here tender him my apologies for my +conduct to him. He was very rich; he used me very ill. I managed to +frighten away his servant who came to attend him after the affair of +Warburg, and from that time would sometimes condescend to wait upon the +patient, who always treated me with scorn; but it was my object to +have him alone, and I bore his brutality with the utmost civility and +mildness, meditating in my own mind a very pretty return for all his +favours to me. Nor was I the only person in the house to whom the worthy +gentleman was uncivil. He ordered the fair Lischen hither and thither, +made impertinent love to her, abused her soups, quarrelled with her +omelettes, and grudged the money which was laid out for his maintenance; +so that our hostess detested him as much as, I think, without vanity, +she regarded me. + +For, if the truth must be told, I had made very deep love to her during +my stay under her roof; as is always my way with women, of whatever +age or degree of beauty. To a man who has to make his way in the world, +these dear girls can always be useful in one fashion or another; never +mind, if they repel your passion; at any rate, they are not offended +with your declaration of it, and only look upon you with more favourable +eyes in consequence of your misfortune. As for Lischen, I told her such +a pathetic story of my life (a tale a great deal more romantic than that +here narrated,--for I did not restrict myself to the exact truth in that +history, as in these pages I am bound to do), that I won the poor girl's +heart entirely, and, besides, made considerable progress in the +German language under her instruction. Do not think me very cruel and +heartless, ladies; this heart of Lischen's was like many a town in the +neighbourhood in which she dwelt, and had been stormed and occupied +several times before I came to invest it; now mounting French colours, +now green and yellow Saxon, now black and white Prussian, as the case +may be. A lady who sets her heart upon a lad in uniform must prepare to +change lovers pretty quickly, or her life will be but a sad one. + +The German surgeon who attended us after the departure of the English +only condescended to pay our house a visit twice during my residence; +and I took care, for a reason I had, to receive him in a darkened room, +much to the annoyance of Mr. Fakenham, who lay there: but I said the +light affected my eyes dreadfully since my blow on the head; and so I +covered up my head with clothes when the doctor came, and told him that +I was an Egyptian mummy, or talked to him some insane nonsense, in order +to keep up my character. + +'What is that nonsense you were talking about an Egyptian mummy, +fellow?' asked Mr. Fakenham peevishly. + +'Oh! you'll know soon, sir,' said I. + +The next time that I expected the doctor to come, instead of receiving +him in a darkened room, with handkerchiefs muffled, I took care to be +in the lower room, and was having a game at cards with Lischen as the +surgeon entered. I had taken possession of a dressing-jacket of the +lieutenant's, and some other articles of his wardrobe, which fitted me +pretty well; and, I flatter myself, was no ungentlemanlike figure. + +'Good-morrow, Corporal,' said the doctor, rather gruffly, in reply to my +smiling salute. + +'Corporal! Lieutenant, if you please,' answered I, giving an arch look +at Lischen, whom I had instructed in my plot. + +'How lieutenant?' asked the surgeon. 'I thought the lieutenant was'-- + +'Upon my word, you do me great honour,' cried I, laughing; 'you mistook +me for the mad corporal upstairs. The fellow has once or twice pretended +to be an officer, but my kind hostess here can answer which is which.' + +'Yesterday he fancied he was Prince Ferdinand,' said Lischen; 'the day +you came he said he was an Egyptian mummy.' + +'So he did,' said the doctor; 'I remember; but, ha! ha! do you know, +Lieutenant, I have in my notes made a mistake in you two?' + +'Don't talk to me about his malady; he is calm now.' + +Lischen and I laughed at this error as at the most ridiculous thing +in the world; and when the surgeon went up to examine his patient, I +cautioned him not to talk to him about the subject of his malady, for he +was in a very excited state. + +The reader will be able to gather from the above conversation what my +design really was. I was determined to escape, and to escape under the +character of Lieutenant Fakenham; taking it from him to his face, as +it were, and making use of it to meet my imperious necessity. It +was forgery and robbery, if you like; for I took all his money and +clothes,--I don't care to conceal it; but the need was so urgent, that +I would do so again: and I knew I could not effect my escape without his +purse, as well as his name. Hence it became my duty to take possession +of one and the other. + +As the lieutenant lay still in bed upstairs, I did not hesitate at +all about assuming his uniform, especially after taking care to inform +myself from the doctor whether any men of ours who might know me were in +the town. But there were none that I could hear of; and so I calmly took +my walks with Madame Lischen, dressed in the lieutenant's uniform, made +inquiries as to a horse that I wanted to purchase, reported myself to +the commandant of the place as Lieutenant Fakenham, of Gale's English +regiment of foot, convalescent, and was asked to dine with the officers +of the Prussian regiment at a very sorry mess they had. How Fakenham +would have stormed and raged, had he known the use I was making of his +name! + +Whenever that worthy used to inquire about his clothes, which he did +with many oaths and curses that he would have me caned at the regiment +for inattention, I, with a most respectful air, informed him that they +were put away in perfect safety below; and, in fact, had them very +neatly packed, and ready for the day when I proposed to depart. His +papers and money, however, he kept under his pillow; and, as I had +purchased a horse, it became necessary to pay for it. + +At a certain hour, then, I ordered the animal to be brought round, when +I would pay the dealer for him. (I shall pass over my adieux with my +kind hostess, which were very tearful indeed). And then, making up my +mind to the great action, walked upstairs to Fakenham's room attired in +his full regimentals, and with his hat cocked over my left eye. + +'You gWeat scoundWel!' said he, with a multiplicity of oaths; 'you +mutinous dog! what do you mean by dWessing yourself in my Wegimentals? +As sure as my name's Fakenham, when we get back to the Wegiment, I'll +have your soul cut out of your body.' + +'I'm promoted, Lieutenant,' said I, with a sneer. 'I'm come to take my +leave of you;' and then going up to his bed, I said, 'I intend to have +your papers and purse.' With this I put my hand under his pillow; at +which he gave a scream that might have called the whole garrison about +my ears. 'Hark ye, sir!' said I, 'no more noise, or you are a dead +man!' and taking a handkerchief, I bound it tight around his mouth so +as well-nigh to throttle him, and, pulling forward the sleeves of his +shirt, tied them in a knot together, and so left him; removing the +papers and the purse, you may be sure, and wishing him politely a good +day. + +'It is the mad corporal,' said I to the people down below who were +attracted by the noise from the sick man's chamber; and so taking leave +of the old blind Jagdmeister, and an adieu (I will not say how tender) +of his daughter, I mounted my newly purchased animal; and, as I pranced +away, and the sentinels presented arms to me at the town-gates, felt +once more that I was in my proper sphere, and determined never again to +fall from the rank of a gentleman. + +I took at first the way towards Bremen, where our army was, and gave out +that I was bringing reports and letters from the Prussian commandant +of Warburg to headquarters; but, as soon as I got out of sight of the +advanced sentinels, I turned bridle and rode into the Hesse-Cassel +territory, which is luckily not very far from Warburg: and I promise you +I was very glad to see the blue-and-red stripes on the barriers, which +showed me that I was out of the land occupied by our countrymen. I rode +to Hof, and the next day to Cassel, giving out that I was the bearer of +despatches to Prince Henry, then on the Lower Rhine, and put up at the +best hotel of the place, where the field-officers of the garrison had +their ordinary. These gentlemen I treated to the best wines that the +house afforded, for I was determined to keep up the character of the +English gentleman, and I talked to them about my English estates with a +fluency that almost made me believe in the stories which I invented. I +was even asked to an assembly at Wilhelmshohe, the Elector's palace, and +danced a minuet there with the Hofmarshal's lovely daughter, and lost a +few pieces to his excellency the first huntmaster of his Highness. + +At our table at the inn there was a Prussian officer who treated me with +great civility, and asked me a thousand questions about England; which +I answered as best I might. But this best, I am bound to say, was bad +enough. I knew nothing about England, and the Court, and the noble +families there; but, led away by the vaingloriousness of youth (and a +propensity which I possessed in my early days, but of which I have long +since corrected myself, to boast and talk in a manner not altogether +consonant with truth), I invented a thousand stories which I told him; +described the King and the Ministers to him, said the British Ambassador +at Berlin was my uncle, and promised my acquaintance a letter of +recommendation to him. When the officer asked me my uncle's name, I was +not able to give him the real name, and so said his name was O'Grady: it +is as good a name as any other, and those of Kilballyowen, county +Cork, are as good a family as any in the world, as I have heard. As for +stories about my regiment, of these, of course, I had no lack. I wish my +other histories had been equally authentic. + +On the morning I left Cassel, my Prussian friend came to me with an open +smiling countenance, and said he, too, was bound for Dusseldorf, whither +I said my route lay; and so laying our horses' heads together we jogged +on. The country was desolate beyond description. The prince in whose +dominions we were was known to be the most ruthless seller of men in +Germany. He would sell to any bidder, and during the five years which +the war (afterwards called the Seven Years' War) had now lasted, had +so exhausted the males of his principality, that the fields remained +untilled: even the children of twelve years old were driven off to the +war, and I saw herds of these wretches marching forwards, attended by +a few troopers, now under the guidance of a red-coated Hanovarian +sergeant, now with a Prussian sub-officer accompanying them; with some +of whom my companion exchanged signs of recognition. + +'It hurts my feelings,' said he, 'to be obliged to commune with such +wretches; but the stern necessities of war demand men continually, and +hence these recruiters whom you see market in human flesh. They get +five-and-twenty dollars from our Government for every man they bring +in. For fine men--for men like you,' he added, laughing, 'we would go as +high as a hundred. In the old King's time we would have given a thousand +for you, when he had his giant regiment that our present monarch +disbanded.' + +'I knew one of them,' said I, 'who served with you: we used to call him +Morgan Prussia.' + +'Indeed; and who was this Morgan Prussia?' + +'Why, a huge grenadier of ours, who was somehow snapped up in Hanover by +some of your recruiters.' + +'The rascals!' said my friend: 'and did they dare take an Englishman?' + +''Faith this was an Irishman, and a great deal too sharp for them; +as you shall hear. Morgan was taken, then, and drafted into the giant +guard, and was the biggest man almost among all the giants there. Many +of these monsters used to complain of their life, and their caning, and +their long drills, and their small pay; but Morgan was not one of the +grumblers. "It's a deal better," said he, "to get fat here in Berlin, +than to starve in rags in Tipperary!"' + +'Where is Tipperary?' asked my companion. + +'That is exactly what Morgan's friends asked him. It is a beautiful +district in Ireland, the capital of which is the magnificent city of +Clonmel: a city, let me tell you, sir, only inferior to Dublin and +London, and far more sumptuous than any on the Continent. Well, Morgan +said that his birthplace was near that city, and the only thing which +caused him unhappiness, in his present situation, was the thought that +his brothers were still starving at home, when they might be so much +better off in His Majesty's service. + +'"'Faith," says Morgan to the sergeant, to whom he imparted the +information, "it's my brother Bin that would make the fine sergeant of +the guards, entirely!" + +'"Is Ben as tall as you are?" asked the sergeant. + +'"As tall as ME, is it? Why, man, I'm the shortest of my family! There's +six more of us, but Bin's the biggest of all. Oh! out and out the +biggest. Seven feet in his stockin-FUT, as sure as my name's Morgan!" + +'"Can't we send and fetch them over, these brothers of yours?" + +'"Not you. Ever since I was seduced by one of you gentlemen of the cane, +they've a mortal aversion to all sergeants," answered Morgan: "but +it's a pity they cannot come, too. What a monster Bin would be in a +grenadier's cap!" + +'He said nothing more at the time regarding his brothers, but only +sighed as if lamenting their hard fate. However, the story was told by +the sergeant to the officers, and by the officers to the King himself; +and His Majesty was so inflamed by curiosity, that he actually consented +to let Morgan go home in order to bring back with him his seven enormous +brothers.' + +'And were they as big as Morgan pretended?' asked my comrade. I could +not help laughing at his simplicity. + +'Do you suppose,' cried I, 'that Morgan ever came back? No, no; once +free, he was too wise for that. He has bought a snug farm in Tipperary +with the money that was given him to secure his brothers; and I fancy +few men of the guards ever profited so much by it.' + +The Prussian captain laughed exceedingly at this story, said that the +English were the cleverest nation in the world, and, on my setting him +right, agreed that the Irish were even more so. We rode on very well +pleased with each other; for he had a thousand stories of the war to +tell, of the skill and gallantry of Frederick, and the thousand escapes, +and victories, and defeats scarcely less glorious than victories, +through which the King had passed. Now that I was a gentleman, I could +listen with admiration to these tales: and yet the sentiment recorded +at the end of the last chapter was uppermost in my mind but three weeks +back, when I remembered that it was the great general got the glory, and +the poor soldier only insult and the cane. + +'By the way, to whom are you taking despatches?' asked the officer. + +It was another ugly question, which I determined to answer at +hap-hazard; and so I said 'To General Rolls.' I had seen the general +a year before, and gave the first name in my head. My friend was quite +satisfied with it, and we continued our ride until evening came on; and +our horses being weary, it was agreed that we should come to a halt. + +'There is a very good inn,' said the Captain, as we rode up to what +appeared to me a very lonely-looking place. + +'This may be a very good inn for Germany,' said I, 'but it would not +pass in old Ireland. Corbach is only a league off: let us push on for +Corbach.' + +'Do you want to see the loveliest woman in Europe?' said the officer. +'Ah! you sly rogue, I see THAT will influence you;' and, truth to say, +such a proposal WAS always welcome to me, as I don't care to own. 'The +people are great farmers,' said the Captain, 'as well as innkeepers;' +and, indeed, the place seemed more a farm than an inn yard. We entered +by a great gate into a Court walled round, and at one end of which was +the building, a dingy ruinous place. A couple of covered waggens were in +the court, their horses were littered under a shed hard by, and lounging +about the place were some men and a pair of sergeants in the Prussian +uniform, who both touched their hats to my friend the Captain. This +customary formality struck me as nothing extraordinary, but the aspect +of the inn had something exceedingly chilling and forbidding in it, +and I observed the men shut to the great yard-gates as soon as we were +entered. Parties of French horsemen, the Captain said, were about +the country, and one could not take too many precautions against such +villains. + +We went into supper, after the two sergeants had taken charge of our +horses; the Captain, also, ordering one of them to take my valise to my +bedroom. I promised the worthy fellow a glass of schnapps for his pains. + +A dish of fried eggs-and-bacon was ordered from a hideous old wench that +came to serve us, in place of the lovely creature I had expected to see; +and the Captain, laughing, said, 'Well, our meal is a frugal one, but a +soldier has many a time a worse:' and, taking off his hat, sword-belt, +and gloves, with great ceremony, he sat down to eat. I would not be +behindhand with him in politeness, and put my weapon securely on the old +chest of drawers where his was laid. + +The hideous old woman before mentioned brought us in a pot of very sour +wine, at which and at her ugliness I felt a considerable ill-humour. + +'Where's the beauty you promised me?' said I, as soon as the old hag had +left the room. + +'Bah!' said he, laughing, and looking hard at me: 'it was my joke. I was +tired, and did not care to go farther. There's no prettier woman here +than that. If she won't suit your fancy, my friend, you must wait a +while.' + +This increased my ill-humour. + +'Upon my word, sir,' said I sternly, 'I think you have acted very +coolly!' + +'I have acted as I think fit!' replied the captain. + +'Sir,' said I, 'I'm a British officer!' + +'It's a lie!' roared the other, 'you're a DESERTER! You're an impostor, +sir; I have known you for such these three hours. I suspected you +yesterday. My men heard of a man escaping from Warburg, and I thought +you were the man. Your lies and folly have confirmed me. You pretend to +carry despatches to a general who has been dead these ten months: you +have an uncle who is an ambassador, and whose name forsooth you don't +know. Will you join and take the bounty, sir; or will you be given up?' + +'Neither!' said I, springing at him like a tiger. But, agile as I was, +he was equally on his guard. He took two pistols out of his pocket, +fired one off, and said, from the other end of the table where he stood +dodging me, as it were,-- + +'Advance a step, and I send this bullet into your brains!' In another +minute the door was flung open, and the two sergeants entered, armed +with musket and bayonet to aid their comrade. + +The game was up. I flung down a knife with which I had armed myself; for +the old hag on bringing in the wine had removed my sword. + +'I volunteer,' said I. + +'That's my good fellow. What name shall I put on my list?' + +'Write Redmond Barry of Bally Barry,' said I haughtily; 'a descendant of +the Irish kings!' + +'I was once with the Irish brigade, Roche's,' said the recruiter, +sneering, 'trying if I could get any likely fellows among the few +countrymen of yours that are in the brigade, and there was scarcely one +of them that was not descended from the kings of Ireland.' + +'Sir,' said I, 'king or not, I am a gentleman, as you can see.' + +'Oh! you will find plenty more in our corps,' answered the Captain, +still in the sneering mood. 'Give up your papers, Mr. Gentleman, and let +us see who you really are.' + +As my pocket-book contained some bank-notes as well as papers of Mr. +Fakenham's, I was not willing to give up my property; suspecting very +rightly that it was but a scheme on the part of the Captain to get and +keep it. + +'It can matter very little to you,' said I, 'what my private papers are: +I am enlisted under the name of Redmond Barry.' + +'Give it up, sirrah!' said the Captain, seizing his cane. + +'I will not give it up!' answered I. + +'HOUND! do you mutiny?' screamed he, and, at the same time, gave me a +lash across the face with the cane, which had the anticipated effect +of producing a struggle. I dashed forward to grapple with him, the two +sergeants flung themselves on me, I was thrown to the ground and +stunned again; being hit on my former wound in the head. It was bleeding +severely when I came to myself, my laced coat was already torn off my +back, my purse and papers gone, and my hands tied behind my back. + +The great and illustrious Frederick had scores of these white +slave-dealers all round the frontiers of his kingdom, debauching troops +or kidnapping peasants, and hesitating at no crime to supply those +brilliant regiments of his with food for powder; and I cannot help +telling here, with some satisfaction, the fate which ultimately befell +the atrocious scoundrel who, violating all the rights of friendship and +good-fellowship, had just succeeded in entrapping me. This individual +was a person of high family and known talents and courage, but who had +a propensity to gambling and extravagance, and found his calling as a +recruit-decoy far more profitable to him than his pay of second captain +in the line. The sovereign, too, probably found his services more useful +in the former capacity. His name was Monsieur de Galgenstein, and he was +one of the most successful of the practisers of his rascally trade. He +spoke all languages, and knew all countries, and hence had no difficulty +in finding out the simple braggadocio of a young lad like me. + +About 1765, however, he came to his justly merited end. He was at this +time living at Kehl, opposite Strasburg, and used to take his walk upon +the bridge there, and get into conversation with the French advanced +sentinels; to whom he was in the habit of promising 'mountains and +marvels,' as the French say, if they would take service in Prussia. +One day there was on the bridge a superb grenadier, whom Galgenstein +accosted, and to whom he promised a company, at least, if he would +enlist under Frederick. + +'Ask my comrade yonder,' said the grenadier; 'I can do nothing without +him. We were born and bred together, we are of the same company, sleep +in the same room, and always go in pairs. If he will go and you will +give him a captaincy, I will go too.' + +'Bring your comrade over to Kehl,' said Galgenstein, delighted. 'I will +give you the best of dinners, and can promise to satisfy both of you.' + +'Had you not better speak to him on the bridge?' said the grenadier. +'I dare not leave my post; but you have but to pass, and talk over the +matter.' + +Galgenstein, after a little parley, passed the sentinel; but presently a +panic took him, and he retraced his steps. But the grenadier brought +his bayonet to the Prussian's breast and bade him stand: that he was his +prisoner. + +The Prussian, however, seeing his danger, made a bound across the bridge +and into the Rhine; whither, flinging aside his musket, the intrepid +sentry followed him. The Frenchman was the better swimmer of the two, +seized upon the recruiter, and bore him to the Strasburg side of the +stream, where he gave him up. + +'You deserve to be shot,' said the general to him, 'for abandoning your +post and arms; but you merit reward for an act of courage and daring. +The King prefers to reward you,' and the man received money and +promotion. + +As for Galgenstein, he declared his quality as a nobleman and a captain +in the Prussian service, and applications were made to Berlin to know if +his representations were true. But the King, though he employed men of +this stamp (officers to seduce the subjects of his allies) could not +acknowledge his own shame. Letters were written back from Berlin to +say that such a family existed in the kingdom, but that the person +representing himself to belong to it must be an impostor, for +every officer of the name was at his regiment and his post. It was +Galgenstein's death-warrant, and he was hanged as a spy in Strasburg. + + 'Turn him into the cart with the rest,' said he, as soon as I awoke +from my trance. + + + + +CHAPTER VI. THE CRIMP WAGGON--MILITARY EPISODES + +The covered waggon to which I was ordered to march was standing, as I +have said, in the courtyard of the farm, with another dismal vehicle +of the same kind hard by it. Each was pretty well filled with a crew of +men, whom the atrocious crimp who had seized upon me, had enlisted under +the banners of the glorious Frederick; and I could see by the lanterns +of the sentinels, as they thrust me into the straw, a dozen dark figures +huddled together in the horrible moving prison where I was now to be +confined. A scream and a curse from my opposite neighbour showed me that +he was most likely wounded, as I myself was; and, during the whole of +the wretched night, the moans and sobs of the poor fellows in similar +captivity kept up a continual painful chorus, which effectually +prevented my getting any relief from my ills in sleep. At midnight +(as far as I could judge) the horses were put to the waggons, and the +creaking lumbering machines were put in motion. A couple of soldiers, +strongly armed, sat on the outer bench of the cart, and their grim faces +peered in with their lanterns every now and then through the canvas +curtains, that they might count the number of their prisoners. The +brutes were half-drunk, and were singing love and war songs, such as 'O +Gretchen mein Taubchen, mein Herzenstrompet, Mein Kanon, mein Heerpauk +und meine Musket,' 'Prinz Eugen der edle Ritter.' and the like; their +wild whoops and jodels making doleful discord with the groans of us +captives within the waggons. Many a time afterwards have I heard these +ditties sung on the march, or in the barrack-room, or round the fires as +we lay out at night. + +I was not near so unhappy, in spite of all, as I had been on my first +enlisting in Ireland. At least, thought I, if I am degraded to be a +private soldier there will be no one of my acquaintance who will witness +my shame; and that is the point which I have always cared for most. +There will be no one to say, 'There is young Redmond Barry, the +descendant or the Barrys, the fashionable young blood of Dublin, +pipeclaying his belt and carrying his brown Bess.' Indeed, but for +that opinion of the world, with which it is necessary that every man of +spirit should keep upon equal terms, I, for my part, would have always +been contented with the humblest portion. Now here, to all intents +and purposes, one was as far removed from the world as in the wilds +of Siberia, or in Robinson Crusoe's Island. And I reasoned with myself +thus:--'Now you are caught, there is no use in repining: make the best +of your situation, and get all the pleasure you can out of it. There +are a thousand opportunities of plunder, &c., offered to the soldier in +war-time, out of which he can get both pleasure and profit: make use of +these, and be happy. Besides, you are extraordinarily brave, handsome, +and clever: and who knows but you may procure advancement in your new +service?' + +In this philosophical way I looked at my misfortunes, determining not +to be cast down by them; and bore woes and my broken head with perfect +magnanimity. The latter was, for the moment, an evil against which it +required no small powers of endurance to contend; for the jolts of the +waggon were dreadful, and every shake caused a throb in my brain which I +thought would have split my skull. As the morning dawned, I saw that the +man next me, a gaunt yellow-haired creature, in black, had a cushion of +straw under his head. + +'Are you wounded, comrade?' said I. + +'Praised be the Lord,' said he, 'I am sore hurt in spirit and body, +and bruised in many members; wounded, however, am I not. And you, poor +youth?' + +'I am wounded in the head,' said I, 'and I want your pillow: give +it me--I've a clasp-knife in my pocket!' and with this I gave him a +terrible look, meaning to say (and mean it I did, for look you, A LA +GUERRE C'EST A LA GUERRE, and I am none of your milksops) that, unless +he yielded me the accommodation, I would give him a taste of my steel. + +'I would give it thee without any threat, friend,' said the +yellow-haired man meekly, and handed me over his little sack of straw. + +He then leaned himself back as comfortably as he could against the +cart, and began repeating, 'Ein' feste Burg ist unser Gott,' by which I +concluded that I had got into the company of a parson. With the jolts of +the waggon, and accidents of the journey, various more exclamations and +movements of the passengers showed what a motley company we were. Every +now and then a countryman would burst into tears; a French voice would +be heard to say, 'O mon Dieu!--mon Dieu!' a couple more of the same +nation were jabbering oaths and chattering incessantly; and a certain +allusion to his own and everybody else's eyes, which came from a +stalwart figure at the far corner, told me that there was certainly an +Englishman in our crew. + +But I was spared soon the tedium and discomforts of the journey. In +spite of the clergyman's cushion, my head, which was throbbing with +pain, was brought abruptly in contact with the side of the waggon; it +began to bleed afresh: I became almost light-headed. I only recollect +having a draught of water here and there; once stopping at a fortified +town, where an officer counted us:--all the rest of the journey was +passed in a drowsy stupor, from which, when I awoke, I found myself +lying in a hospital bed, with a nun in a white hood watching over me. + +'They are in sad spiritual darkness,' said a voice from the bed next to +me, when the nun had finished her kind offices and retired: 'they are +in the night of error, and yet there is the light of faith in those poor +creatures.' + +It was my comrade of the crimp waggon, his huge broad face looming out +from under a white nightcap, and ensconced in the bed beside. + +'What! you there, Herr Pastor?' said I. + +'Only a candidate, sir,' answered the white nightcap. 'But, praised be +Heaven! you have come to. You have had a wild time of it. You have been +talking in the English language (with which I am acquainted) of Ireland, +and a young lady, and Mick, and of another young lady, and of a house on +fire, and of the British Grenadiers, concerning whom you sung us parts +of a ballad, and of a number of other matters appertaining, no doubt, to +your personal history.' + +'It has been a very strange one,' said I; 'and, perhaps, there is no man +in the world, of my birth, whose misfortunes can at all be compared to +mine.' + +I do not object to own that I am disposed to brag of my birth and +other acquirements; for I have always found that if a man does not give +himself a good word, his friends will not do it for him. + +'Well,' said my fellow-patient, 'I have no doubt yours is a strange +tale, and shall be glad to hear it anon; but at present you must not +be permitted to speak much, for your fever has been long, and your +exhaustion great.' + +'Where are we?' I asked; and the candidate informed me that we were in +the bishopric and town of Fulda, at present occupied by Prince Henry's +troops. There had been a skirmish with an out-party of French near the +town, in which a shot entering the waggon, the poor candidate had been +wounded. + +As the reader knows already my history, I will not take the trouble +to repeat it here, or to give the additions with which I favoured +my comrade in misfortune. But I confess that I told him ours was the +greatest family and finest palace in Ireland, that we were enormously +wealthy, related to all the peerage descended from the ancient kings, +&c.; and, to my surprise, in the course of our conversation, I found +that my interlocutor knew a great deal more about Ireland than I did. +When, for instance, I spoke of my descent,-- + +'From which race of kings?' said he. + +'Oh!' said I (for my memory for dates was never very accurate), 'from +the old ancient kings of all.' + +'What! can you trace your origin to the sons Japhet?' said he. + +''Faith, I can,' answered I, 'and farther too,--Nebuchadnezzar, if you +like.' + +'I see,' said the candidate, smiling, 'that you look upon those legends +with incredulity. These Partholans and Nemedians, of whom your writers +fondly make mention, cannot be authentically vouched for in history. Nor +do I believe that we have any more foundation for the tales concerning +them, than for the legends relative to Joseph of Arimathea and King +Bruce which prevailed two centuries back in the sister island. + +And then he began a discourse about the Phoenicians, the Scyths or +Goths, the Tuath de Danans, Tacitus, and King MacNeil; which was, to say +the truth, the very first news I had heard of those personages. As for +English, he spoke it as well as I, and had seven more languages, he +said, equally at his command; for, on my quoting the only Latin line +that I knew, that out of the poet Homer, which says,-- + + 'As in praesenti perfectum fumat in avi,' + +he began to speak to me in the Roman tongue; on which I was fain to tell +him that we pronounced it in a different way in Ireland, and so got off +the conversation. + +My honest friend's history was a curious one, and it may be told here in +order to show of what motley materials our levies were composed:-- + +'I am,' said he, 'a Saxon by birth, my father being pastor of the +village of Pfannkuchen, where I imbibed the first rudiments of +knowledge. At sixteen (I am now twenty-three), having mastered the Greek +and Latin tongues, with the French, English, Arabic, and Hebrew; and +having come into possession of a legacy of a hundred rixdalers, a sum +amply sufficient to defray my University courses, I went to the famous +academy of Gottingen, where I devoted four years to the exact sciences +and theology. Also, I learned what worldly accomplishments I could +command; taking a dancing-tutor at the expense of a groschen a lesson, a +course of fencing from a French practitioner, and attending lectures +on the great horse and the equestrian science at the hippodrome of a +celebrated cavalry professor. My opinion is, that a man should know +everything as far as in his power lies: that he should complete his +cycle of experience; and, one science being as necessary as another, it +behoves him. + +'I am not of a saving turn, hence my little fortune of a hundred +rixdalers, which has served to keep many a prudent man for a score of +years, barely sufficed for five years' studies; after which my studies +were interrupted, my pupils fell off, and I was obliged to devote much +time to shoe-binding in order to save money, and, at a future +period, resume my academic course. During this period I contracted an +attachment' (here the candidate sighed a little) 'with a person, +who, though not beautiful, and forty years of age, is yet likely to +sympathise with my existence; and, a month since, my kind friend and +patron, University Prorector Doctor Nasenbrumm, having informed me that +the Pfarrer of Rumpelwitz was dead, asked whether I would like to have +my name placed upon the candidate list, and if I were minded to preach a +trial sermon? As the gaining of this living would further my union with +my Amalia, I joyously consented, and prepared a discourse. + +'If you like I will recite it to you--No?--Well, I will give you +extracts from it upon our line of march. To proceed, then, with my +biographical sketch, which is now very near a conclusion; or, as I +should more correctly say, which has very nearly brought me to the +present period of time: I preached that sermon at Rumpelwitz, in which I +hope that the Babylonian question was pretty satisfactorily set at +rest. I preached it before the Herr Baron and his noble family, and some +officers of distinction who were staying at his castle. Mr. Doctor Moser +of Halle followed me in the evening discourse; but, though his exercise +was learned, and he disposed of a passage of Ignatius, which he proved +to be a manifest interpolation, I do not think his sermon had the effect +which mine produced, and that the Rumpelwitzers much relished it. After +the sermon, all the candidates walked out of church together, and supped +lovingly at the "Blue Stag" in Rumpelwitz. + +'While so occupied, a waiter came in and said that a person without +wished to speak to one of the reverend candidates, "the tall one." This +could only mean me, for I was a head and shoulders higher than any +other reverend gentleman present. I issued out to see who was the +person desiring to hold converse with me, and found a man whom I had no +difficulty in recognising as one of the Jewish persuasion. + +'"Sir," said this Hebrew, "I have heard from a friend, who was in your +church to-day, the heads of the admirable discourse you pronounced +there. It has affected me deeply, most deeply. There are only one or +two points on which I am yet in doubt, and if your honour could but +condescend to enlighten me on these, I think--I think Solomon Hirsch +would be a convert to your eloquence." + +'"What are these points, my good friend?" said I; and I pointed out to +him the twenty-four heads of my sermon, asking him in which of these his +doubts lay. + +'We had been walking up and down before the inn while our conversation +took place, but the windows being open, and my comrades having heard the +discourse in the morning, requested me, rather peevishly, not to resume +it at that period. I, therefore, moved on with my disciple, and, at his +request, began at once the sermon; for my memory is good for anything, +and I can repeat any book I have read thrice. + +'I poured out, then, under the trees, and in the calm moonlight, that +discourse which I had pronounced under the blazing sun of noon. My +Israelite only interrupted me by exclamations indicative of surprise, +assent, admiration, and increasing conviction. "Prodigious!" said +he;--"Wunderschon!" would he remark at the conclusion of some eloquent +passage; in a word, he exhausted the complimentary interjections of our +language: and to compliments what man is averse? I think we must have +walked two miles when I got to my third head and my companion begged I +would enter his house, which we now neared, and partake of a glass of +beer; to which I was never averse. + +'That house, sir, was the inn at which you, too, if I judge aright, were +taken. No sooner was I in the place, than three crimps rushed upon me, +told me I was a deserter, and their prisoner, and called upon me to +deliver up my money and papers; which I did with a solemn protest as +to my sacred character. They consisted of my sermon in MS., Prorector +Nasenbrumm's recommendatory letter, proving my identity, and three +groschen four pfennigs in bullion. I had already been in the cart twenty +hours when you reached the house. The French officer, who lay opposite +you (he who screamed when you trod on his foot, for he was wounded), +was brought in shortly before your arrival. He had been taken with his +epaulets and regimentals, and declared his quality and rank; but he was +alone (I believe it was some affair of love with a Hessian lady which +caused him to be unattended); and as the persons into whose hands he +fell will make more profit of him as a recruit than as a prisoner, he is +made to share our fate. He is not the first by many scores so captured. +One of M. de Soubise's cooks, and three actors out of a troop in the +French camp, several deserters from your English troops (the men are led +away by being told that there is no flogging in the Prussian service), +and three Dutchmen were taken besides.' + +'And you,' said I--'you who were just on the point of getting a valuable +living,--you who have so much learning, are you not indignant at the +outrage?' + +'I am a Saxon,' said the candidate, 'and there is no use in indignation. +Our government is crushed under Frederick's heel these five years, and +I might as well hope for mercy from the Grand Mogul. Nor am I, in truth, +discontented with my lot; I have lived on a penny bread for so many +years, that a soldier's rations will be a luxury to me. I do not care +about more or less blows of a cane; all such evils are passing, and +therefore endurable. I will never, God willing, slay a man in combat; +but I am not unanxious to experience on myself the effect of the +war-passion, which has had so great an influence on the human race. It +was for the same reason that I determined to marry Amalia, for a man is +not a complete Mensch until he is the father of a family; to be which +is a condition of his existence, and therefore a duty of his education. +Amalia must wait; she is out of the reach of want, being, indeed, cook +to the Frau Prorectorinn Nasenbrumm, my worthy patron's lady. I have one +or two books with me, which no one is likely to take from me, and one in +my heart which is the best of all. If it shall please Heaven to finish +my existence here, before I can prosecute my studies further, what cause +have I to repine? I pray God I may not be mistaken, but I think I have +wronged no man, and committed no mortal sin. If I have, I know where to +look for forgiveness; and if I die, as I have said, without knowing all +that I would desire to learn, shall I not be in a situation to learn +EVERYTHING, and what can human soul ask for more? + +'Pardon me for putting so many _I_'s in my discourse,' said the +candidate, 'but when a man is talking of himself, 'tis the briefest and +simplest way of talking.' + +In which, perhaps, though I hate egotism, I think my friend was right. +Although he acknowledged himself to be a mean-spirited fellow, with no +more ambition than to know the contents of a few musty books, I think +the man had some good in him; especially in the resolution with which he +bore his calamities. Many a gallant man of the highest honour is often +not proof against these, and has been known to despair over a bad +dinner, or to be cast down at a ragged-elbowed coat. MY maxim is to bear +all, to put up with water if you cannot get Burgundy, and if you have no +velvet to be content with frieze. But Burgundy and velvet are the best, +bien entendu, and the man is a fool who will not seize the best when the +scramble is open. + +The heads of the sermon which my friend the theologian intended to +impart to me, were, however, never told; for, after our coming out +of the hospital, he was drafted into a regiment quartered as far as +possible from his native country, in Pomerania; while I was put into +the Bulow regiment, of which the ordinary headquarters were Berlin. The +Prussian regiments seldom change their garrisons as ours do, for the +fear of desertion is so great, that it becomes necessary to know the +face of every individual in the service; and, in time of peace, men live +and die in the same town. This does not add, as may be imagined, to the +amusements of the soldier's life. It is lest any young gentleman like +myself should take a fancy to a military career, and fancy that of a +private soldier a tolerable one, that I am giving these, I hope, moral +descriptions of what we poor fellows in the ranks really suffered. + +As soon as we recovered, we were dismissed from the nuns and the +hospital to the town prison of Fulda, where we were kept like slaves and +criminals, with artillerymen with lighted matches at the doors of the +courtyards and the huge black dormitory where some hundreds of us lay; +until we were despatched to our different destinations. It was soon seen +by the exercise which were the old soldiers amongst us, and which the +recruits; and for the former, while we lay in prison, there was a little +more leisure: though, if possible, a still more strict watch kept than +over the broken-spirited yokels who had been forced or coaxed into the +service. To describe the characters here assembled would require Mr. +Gilray's own pencil. There were men of all nations and callings. The +Englishmen boxed and bullied; the Frenchmen played cards, and danced, +and fenced; the heavy Germans smoked their pipes and drank beer, if they +could manage to purchase it. Those who had anything to risk gambled, and +at this sport I was pretty lucky, for, not having a penny when I entered +the depot (having been robbed of every farthing of my property by the +rascally crimps), I won near a dollar in my very first game at cards +with one of the Frenchmen; who did not think of asking whether I could +pay or not upon losing. Such, at least, is the advantage of having a +gentlemanlike appearance; it has saved me many a time since by procuring +me credit when my fortunes were at their lowest ebb. + +Among the Frenchmen there was a splendid man and soldier, whose +real name we never knew, but whose ultimate history created no small +sensation, when it came to be known in the Prussian army. If beauty and +courage are proofs of nobility, as (although I have seen some of the +ugliest dogs and the greatest cowards in the world in the noblesse) I +have no doubt courage and beauty are, this Frenchman must have been of +the highest families in France, so grand and noble was his manner, so +superb his person. He was not quite so tall as myself, fair, while I am +dark, and, if possible, rather broader in the shoulders. He was the only +man I ever met who could master me with the small-sword; with which he +would pink me four times to my three. As for the sabre, I could knock +him to pieces with it; and I could leap farther and carry more than +he could. This, however, is mere egotism. This Frenchman, with whom I +became pretty intimate--for we were the two cocks, as it were, of the +depot, and neither had any feeling of low jealousy--was called, for want +of a better name, Le Blondin, on account of his complexion. He was not a +deserter, but had come in from the Lower Rhine and the bishoprics, as I +fancy; fortune having proved unfavourable to him at play probably, and +other means of existence being denied him. I suspect that the Bastile +was waiting for him in his own country, had he taken a fancy to return +thither. + +He was passionately fond of play and liquor, and thus we had a +considerable sympathy together: when excited by one or the other, he +became frightful. I, for my part, can bear, without wincing, both ill +luck and wine; hence my advantage over him was considerable in our +bouts, and I won enough money from him to make my position tenable. He +had a wife outside (who, I take it, was the cause of his misfortunes +and separation from his family), and she used to be admitted to see him +twice or thrice a week, and never came empty-handed---a little brown +bright-eyed creature, whose ogles had made the greatest impression upon +all the world. + +This man was drafted into a regiment that was quartered at Neiss in +Silesia, which is only at a short distance from the Austrian frontier; +he maintained always the same character for daring and skill, and was, +in the secret republic of the regiment--which always exists as well +as the regular military hierarchy--the acknowledged leader. He was +an admirable soldier, as I have said; but haughty, dissolute, and a +drunkard. A man of this mark, unless he takes care to coax and flatter +his officers (which I always did), is sure to fall out with them. Le +Blondin's captain was his sworn enemy, and his punishments were frequent +and severe. + +His wife and the women of the regiment (this was after the peace) used +to carry on a little commerce of smuggling across the Austrian frontier, +where their dealings were winked at by both parties; and in obedience +to the instructions of her husband, this woman, from every one of her +excursions, would bring in a little powder and ball: commodities which +are not to be procured by the Prussian soldier, and which were stowed +away in secret till wanted. They WERE to be wanted, and that soon. + +Le Blondin had organised a great and extraordinary conspiracy. We don't +know how far it went, how many hundreds or thousands it embraced; but +strange were the stories told about the plot amongst us privates: for +the news was spread from garrison to garrison, and talked of by the +army, in spite of all the Government efforts to hush it up--hush it +up, indeed! I have been of the people myself; I have seen the Irish +rebellion, and I know what is the free-masonry of the poor. + +He made himself the head of the plot. There were no writings nor papers. +No single one of the conspirators communicated with any other than +the Frenchman; but personally he gave his orders to them all. He had +arranged matters for a general rising of the garrison, at twelve o'clock +on a certain day: the guard-houses in the town were to be seized, the +sentinels cut down, and--who knows the rest? Some of our people used +to say that the conspiracy was spread through all Silesia, and that Le +Blondin was to be made a general in the Austrian service. + +At twelve o'clock, and opposite the guard-house by the Bohmer-Thor of +Neiss, some thirty men were lounging about in their undress, and the +Frenchman stood near the sentinel of the guard-house, sharpening a wood +hatchet on a stone. At the stroke of twelve, he got up, split open the +sentinel's head with a blow of his axe, and the thirty men, rushing into +the guard-house, took possession of the arms there, and marched at once +to the gate. The sentry there tried to drop the bar, but the Frenchman +rushed up to him, and, with another blow of the axe, cut off his right +hand, with which he held the chain. Seeing the men rushing out armed, +the guard without the gate drew up across the road to prevent their +passage; but the Frenchman's thirty gave them a volley, charged them +with the bayonet, and brought down several, and the rest flying, the +thirty rushed on. The frontier is only a league from Neiss, and they +made rapidly towards it. + +But the alarm was given in the town, and what saved it was that the +clock by which the Frenchman went was a quarter of an hour faster than +any of the clocks in the town. The generale was beat, the troops +called to arms, and thus the men who were to have attacked the other +guard-houses, were obliged to fall into the ranks, and their project +was defeated. This, however, likewise rendered the discovery of the +conspirators impossible, for no man could betray his comrade, nor, of +course, would he criminate himself. + +Cavalry was sent in pursuit of the Frenchman and his thirty fugitives, +who were, by this time, far on their way to the Bohemian frontier. When +the horse came up with them, they turned, received them with a volley +and the bayonet, and drove them back. The Austrians were out at the +barriers, looking eagerly on at the conflict. The women, who were on the +look-out too, brought more ammunition to these intrepid deserters, and +they engaged and drove back the dragoons several times. But in these +gallant and fruitless combats much time was lost, and a battalion +presently came up, and surrounded the brave thirty; when the fate of the +poor fellows was decided. They fought with the fury of despair: not one +of them asked for quarter. When their ammunition failed, they fought +with the steel, and were shot down or bayoneted where they stood. The +Frenchman was the very last man who was hit. He received a bullet in the +thigh, and fell, and in this state was overpowered, killing the officer +who first advanced to seize him. + +He and the very few of his comrades who survived were carried back +to Neiss, and immediately, as the ringleader, he was brought before a +council of war. He refused all interrogations which were made as to his +real name and family. 'What matters who I am?' said he; 'you have me and +will shoot me. My name would not save me were it ever so famous.' In the +same way he declined to make a single discovery regarding the plot. 'It +was all my doing,' he said; 'each man engaged in it only knew me, and is +ignorant of every one of his comrades. The secret is mine alone, and +the secret shall die with me.' When the officers asked him what was the +reason which induced him to meditate a crime so horrible?--'It was +your infernal brutality and tyranny,' he said. 'You are all butchers, +ruffians, tigers, and you owe it to the cowardice of your men that you +were not murdered long ago.' + +At this his captain burst into the most furious exclamations against the +wounded man, and rushing up to him, struck him a blow with his fist. But +Le Blondin, wounded as he was, as quick as thought seized the bayonet of +one of the soldiers who supported him, and plunged it into the officer's +breast. 'Scoundrel and monster,' said he, 'I shall have the consolation +of sending you out of the world before I die.' He was shot that day. +He offered to write to the King, if the officers would agree to let his +letter go sealed into the hands of the postmaster; but they feared, no +doubt, that something might be said to inculpate themselves, and refused +him the permission. At the next review Frederick treated them, it is +said, with great severity, and rebuked them for not having granted the +Frenchman his request. However, it was the King's interest to conceal +the matter, and so it was, as I have said before, hushed up--so well +hushed up, that a hundred thousand soldiers in the army knew it; and +many's the one of us that has drunk to the Frenchman's memory over our +wine, as a martyr for the cause of the soldier. I shall have, +doubtless, some readers who will cry out at this, that I am encouraging +insubordination and advocating murder. If these men had served as +privates in the Prussian army from 1760 to 1765, they would not be +so apt to take objection. This man destroyed two sentinels to get his +liberty; how many hundreds of thousands of his own and the Austrian +people did King Frederick kill because he took a fancy to Silesia? It +was the accursed tyranny of the system that sharpened the axe which +brained the two sentinels of Neiss: and so let officers take warning, +and think twice ere they visit poor fellows with the cane. + +I could tell many more stories about the army; but as, from having been +a soldier myself, all my sympathies are in the ranks, no doubt my +tales would be pronounced to be of an immoral tendency, and I had best, +therefore, be brief. Fancy my surprise while in this depot, when one day +a well-known voice saluted my ear, and I heard a meagre young gentleman, +who was brought in by a couple of troopers and received a few cuts +across the shoulders from one of them, say in the best English, 'You +infernal WASCAL, I'll be wevenged for this. I'll WITE to my ambassador, +as sure as my name's Fakenham of Fakenham.' I burst out laughing at +this: it was my old acquaintance in MY corporal's coat. Lischen had +sworn stoutly, that he was really and truly the private, and the poor +fellow had been drafted off, and was to be made one of us. But I bear no +malice, and having made the whole room roar with the story of the way +in which I had tricked the poor lad, I gave him a piece of advice, which +procured him his liberty. 'Go to the inspecting officer,' said I; 'if +they once get you into Prussia it is all over with you, and they will +never give you up. Go now to the commandant of the depot, promise him +a hundred--five hundred guineas to set you free; say that the crimping +captain has your papers and portfolio' (this was true); 'above all, show +him that you have the means of paying him the promised money, and I will +warrant you are set free.' He did as I advised, and when we were put on +the march Mr. Fakenham found means to be allowed to go into hospital, +and while in hospital the matter was arranged as I had recommended. +He had nearly, however, missed his freedom by his own stinginess in +bargaining for it, and never showed the least gratitude towards me his +benefactor. + +I am not going to give any romantic narrative of the Seven Years' War. +At the close of it, the Prussian army, so renowned for its disciplined +valour, was officered and under-officered by native Prussians, it is +true; but was composed for the most part of men hired or stolen, like +myself, from almost every nation in Europe. The deserting to and fro +was prodigious. In my regiment (Bulow's) alone before the war, there had +been no less than 600 Frenchmen, and as they marched out of Berlin +for the campaign, one of the fellows had an old fiddle on which he +was flaying a French tune, and his comrades danced almost, rather than +walked, after him, singing, 'Nous allons en France.' Two years after, +when they returned to Berlin, there were only six of these men left; the +rest had fled or were killed in action. The life the private soldier led +was a frightful one to any but men of iron courage and endurance. There +was a corporal to every three men, marching behind them, and pitilessly +using the cane; so much so that it used to be said that in action +there was a front rank of privates and a second rank of sergeants +and corporals to drive them on. Many men would give way to the most +frightful acts of despair under these incessant persecutions and +tortures; and amongst several regiments of the army a horrible practice +had sprung up, which for some time caused the greatest alarm to the +Government. This was a strange frightful custom of CHILD-MURDER. The men +used to say that life was unbearable, that suicide was a crime; in +order to avert which, and to finish with the intolerable misery of their +position, the best plan was to kill a young child, which was innocent, +and therefore secure of heaven, and then to deliver themselves up as +guilty of the murder. The King himself--the hero, sage, and philosopher, +the prince who had always liberality on his lips and who affected a +horror of capital punishments--was frightened at this dreadful protest, +on the part of the wretches whom he had kidnapped, against his monstrous +tyranny; but his only means of remedying the evil was strictly to forbid +that such criminals should be attended by any ecclesiastic whatever, and +denied all religious consolation. + +The punishment was incessant. Every officer had the liberty to inflict +it, and in peace it was more cruel than in war. For when peace came +the King turned adrift such of his officers as were not noble; whatever +their services might have been. He would call a captain to the front of +his company and say, 'He is not noble, let him go.' We were afraid of +him somehow, and were cowed before him like wild beasts before their +keeper. I have seen the bravest men of the army cry like children at a +cut of the cane; I have seen a little ensign of fifteen call out a man +of fifty from the ranks, a man who had been in a hundred battles, and +he has stood presenting arms, and sobbing and howling like a baby, while +the young wretch lashed him over the arms and thighs with the stick. +In a day of action this man would dare anything. A button might be awry +THEN and nobody touched him; but when they had made the brute fight, +then they lashed him again into subordination. Almost all of us yielded +to the spell--scarce one could break it. The French officer I have +spoken of as taken along with me, was in my company, and caned like +a dog. I met him at Versailles twenty years afterwards, and he turned +quite pale and sick when I spoke to him of old days. 'For God's sake,' +said he, 'don't talk of that time: I wake up from my sleep trembling and +crying even now.' + +As for me, after a very brief time (in which it must be confessed +I tasted, like my comrades, of the cane) and after I had found +opportunities to show myself to be a brave and dexterous soldier, I +took the means I had adopted in the English army to prevent any further +personal degradation. I wore a bullet around my neck, which I did not +take the pains to conceal, and I gave out that it should be for the man +or officer who caused me to be chastised. And there was something in +my character which made my superiors believe me; for that bullet had +already served me to kill an Austrian colonel, and I would have given +it to a Prussian with as little remorse. For what cared I for their +quarrels, or whether the eagle under which I marched had one head or +two? All I said was, 'No man shall find me tripping in my duty; but no +man shall ever lay a hand upon me.' And by this maxim I abided as long +as I remained in the service. + +I do not intend to make a history of battles in the Prussian any more +than in the English service. I did my duty in them as well as another, +and by the time that my moustache had grown to a decent length, which +it did when I was twenty years of age, there was not a braver, cleverer, +handsomer, and I must own, wickeder soldier in the Prussian army. I had +formed myself to the condition of the proper fighting beast; on a day of +action I was savage and happy; out of the field I took all the pleasure +I could get, and was by no means delicate as to its quality or the +manner of procuring it. The truth is, however, that there was among our +men a much higher tone of society than among the clumsy louts in the +English army, and our service was generally so strict that we had little +time for doing mischief. I am very dark and swarthy in complexion, +and was called by our fellows the 'Black Englander,' the 'Schwartzer +Englander,' or the English Devil. If any service was to be done, I was +sure to be put upon it. I got frequent gratifications of money, but no +promotion; and it was on the day after I had killed the Austrian colonel +(a great officer of Uhlans, whom I engaged--singly and on foot) that +General Bulow, my colonel, gave me two Frederics-d'or in front of the +regiment, and said, 'I reward thee now; but I fear I shall have to hang +thee one day or other.' I spent the money, and that I had taken from the +colonel's body, every groschen, that night with some jovial companions; +but as long as war lasted was never without a dollar in my purse. + + + + +CHAPTER VII. BARRY LEADS A GARRISON LIFE, AND FINDS MANY FRIENDS THERE + +After the war our regiment was garrisoned in the capital, the least +dull, perhaps, of all the towns of Prussia: but that does not say much +for its gaiety. Our service, which was always severe, still left many +hours of the day disengaged, in which we might take our pleasure had we +the means of paying for the same. Many of our mess got leave to work +in trades; but I had been brought up to none: and besides, my honour +forbade me; for as a gentleman, I could not soil my fingers by a manual +occupation. But our pay was barely enough to keep us from starving; and +as I have always been fond of pleasure, and as the position in which we +now were, in the midst of the capital, prevented us from resorting to +those means of levying contributions which are always pretty feasible in +wartime, I was obliged to adopt the only means left me of providing +for my expenses: and in a word became the ORDONNANZ, or confidential +military gentleman, of my captain. I spurned the office four years +previously, when it was made to me in the English service; but the +position is very different in a foreign country; besides, to tell the +truth, after five years in the ranks, a man's pride will submit to many +rebuffs which would be intolerable to him in an independent condition. + +The captain was a young man and had distinguished himself during the +war, or he would never have been advanced to rank so early. He was, +moreover, the nephew and heir of the Minister of Police, Monsieur de +Potzdorff, a relationship which no doubt aided in the young gentleman's +promotion. Captain de Potzdorff was a severe officer enough on parade or +in barracks, but he was a person easily led by flattery. I won his heart +in the first place by my manner of tying my hair in queue (indeed, +it was more neatly dressed than that of any man in the regiment), +and subsequently gained his confidence by a thousand little arts and +compliments, which as a gentleman myself I knew how to employ. He was a +man of pleasure, which he pursued more openly than most men in the stern +Court of the King; he was generous and careless with his purse, and he +had a great affection for Rhine wine: in all which qualities I sincerely +sympathised with him; and from which I, of course, had my profit. He was +disliked in the regiment, because he was supposed to have too intimate +relations with his uncle the Police Minister; to whom, it was hinted, he +carried the news of the corps. + +Before long I had ingratiated myself considerably with my officer, +and knew most of his affairs. Thus I was relieved from many drills and +parades, which would otherwise have fallen to my lot, and came in for a +number of perquisites; which enabled me to support a genteel figure and +to appear with some ECLAT in a certain, though it must be confessed very +humble, society in Berlin. Among the ladies I was always an especial +favourite, and so polished was my behaviour amongst them, that they +could not understand how I should have obtained my frightful nickname of +the Black Devil in the regiment. 'He is not so black as he is painted,' +I laughingly would say; and most of the ladies agreed that the private +was quite as well-bred as the captain: as indeed how should it be +otherwise, considering my education and birth? + +When I was sufficiently ingratiated with him, I asked leave to address a +letter to my poor mother in Ireland, to whom I had not given any news of +myself for many many years; for the letters of the foreign soldiers were +never admitted to the post, for fear of appeals or disturbances on the +part of their parents abroad. My captain agreed to find means to forward +the letter, and as I knew that he would open it, I took care to give it +him unsealed; thus showing my confidence in him. But the letter was, as +you may imagine, written so that the writer should come to no harm were +it intercepted. I begged my honoured mother's forgiveness for having +fled from her; I said that my extravagance and folly in my own country +I knew rendered my return thither impossible; but that she would, at +least, be glad to know that I was well and happy in the service of the +greatest monarch in the world, and that the soldier's life was most +agreeable to me: and, I added, that I had found a kind protector and +patron, who I hoped would some day provide for me as I knew it was out +of her power to do. I offered remembrances to all the girls at Castle +Brady, naming them from Biddy to Becky downwards, and signed myself, +as in truth I was, her affectionate son, Redmond Barry, in Captain +Potzdorffs company of the Bulowisch regiment of foot in garrison at +Berlin. Also I told her a pleasant story about the King kicking the +Chancellor and three judges downstairs, as he had done one day when I +was on guard at Potsdam, and said I hoped for another war soon, when I +might rise to be an officer. In fact, you might have imagined my letter +to be that of the happiest fellow in the world, and I was not on this +head at all sorry to mislead my kind parent. + +I was sure my letter was read, for Captain Potzdorff began asking me +some days afterwards about my family, and I told him the circumstances +pretty truly, all things considered. I was a cadet of a good family, but +my mother was almost ruined and had barely enough to support her eight +daughters, whom I named. I had been to study for the law at Dublin, +where I had got into debt and bad company, had killed a man in a +duel, and would be hanged or imprisoned by his powerful friends, if I +returned. I had enlisted in the English service, where an opportunity +for escape presented itself to me such as I could not resist; and +hereupon I told the story of Mr. Fakenham of Fakenham in such a way as +made my patron to be convulsed with laughter, and he told me afterwards +that he had repeated the story at Madame de Kamake's evening assembly, +where all the world was anxious to have a sight of the young Englander. + +'Was the British Ambassador there?' I asked, in a tone of the greatest +alarm, and added, 'For Heaven's sake, sir, do not tell my name to him, +or he might ask to have me delivered up: and I have no fancy to go to +be hanged in my dear native country.' Potzdorff, laughing, said he would +take care that I should remain where I was, on which I swore eternal +gratitude to him. + +Some days afterwards, and with rather a grave face, he said to me, +'Redmond, I have been talking to our colonel about you, and as I +wondered that a fellow of your courage and talents had not been advanced +during the war, the general said they had had their eye upon you: that +you were a gallant soldier, and had evidently come of a good stock; that +no man in the regiment had had less fault found with him; but that no +man merited promotion less. You were idle, dissolute, and unprincipled; +you had done a deal of harm to the men; and, for all your talents and +bravery, he was sure would come to no good.' + +'Sir!' said I, quite astonished that any mortal man should have formed +such an opinion of me, 'I hope General Bulow is mistaken regarding my +character. I have fallen into bad company, it is true; but I have only +done as other soldiers have done; and, above all, I have never had a +kind friend and protector before, to whom I might show that I was worthy +of better things. The general may say I am a ruined lad, and send me to +the d---l: but be sure of this, I would go to the d---l to serve YOU.' +This speech I saw pleased my patron very much; and, as I was very +discreet and useful in a thousand delicate ways to him, he soon came to +have a sincere attachment for me. One day, or rather night, when he +was tete-a-tete with the lady of the Tabaks Rath von Dose for instance, +I--But there is no use in telling affairs which concern nobody now. + +Four months after my letter to my mother, I got, under cover to the +Captain, a reply, which created in my mind a yearning after home, and +a melancholy which I cannot describe. I had not seen the dear soul's +writing for five years. All the old days, and the fresh happy sunshine +of the old green fields in Ireland, and her love, and my uncle, and Phil +Purcell, and everything that I had done and thought, came back to me +as I read the letter; and when I was alone I cried over it, as I hadn't +done since the day when Nora jilted me. I took care not to show my +feelings to the regiment or my captain: but that night, when I was +to have taken tea at the Garden-house outside Brandenburg Gate, with +Fraulein Lottchen (the Tabaks Rathinn's gentlewoman of company), I +somehow had not the courage to go; but begged to be excused, and went +early to bed in barracks, out of which I went and came now almost as I +willed, and passed a long night weeping and thinking about dear Ireland. + +Next day, my spirits rose again and I got a ten-guinea bill cashed, +which my mother sent in the letter, and gave a handsome treat to some of +my acquaintance. The poor soul's letter was blotted all over with tears, +full of texts, and written in the wildest incoherent way. She said +she was delighted to think I was under a Protestant prince, though she +feared he was not in the right way: that right way, she said, she had +the blessing to find, under the guidance of the Reverend Joshua Jowls, +whom she sat under. She said he was a precious chosen vessel; a sweet +ointment and precious box of spikenard; and made use of a great number +more phrases that I could not understand; but one thing was clear in the +midst of all this jargon, that the good soul loved her son still, and +thought and prayed day and night for her wild Redmond. Has it not come +across many a poor fellow, in a solitary night's watch, or in sorrow, +sickness, or captivity, that at that very minute, most likely, his +mother is praying for him? I often have had these thoughts; but they are +none of the gayest, and it's quite as well that they don't come to you +in company; for where would be a set of jolly fellows then?--as mute as +undertakers at a funeral, I promise you. I drank my mother's health that +night in a bumper, and lived like a gentleman whilst the money lasted. +She pinched herself to give it me, as she told me afterwards; and Mr. +Jowls was very wroth with her. Although the good soul's money was very +quickly spent, I was not long in getting more; for I had a hundred ways +of getting it, and became a universal favourite with the Captain and +his friends. Now, it was Madame von Dose who gave me a Frederic-d'or for +bringing her a bouquet or a letter from the Captain; now it was, on +the contrary, the old Privy Councillor who treated me with a bottle of +Rhenish, and slipped into my hand a dollar or two, in order that I might +give him some information regarding the liaison between my captain and +his lady. But though I was not such a fool as not to take his money, you +may be sure I was not dishonourable enough to betray my benefactor; and +he got very little out of ME. When the Captain and the lady fell out, +and he began to pay his addresses to the rich daughter of the Dutch +Minister, I don't know how many more letters and guineas the unfortunate +Tabaks Rathinn handed over to me, that I might get her lover back again. +But such returns are rare in love, and the Captain used only to laugh at +her stale sighs and entreaties. In the house of Mynheer Van Guldensack +I made myself so pleasant to high and low, that I came to be quite +intimate there: and got the knowledge of a state secret or two, which +surprised and pleased my captain very much. These little hints he +carried to his uncle, the Minister of Police, who, no doubt, made +his advantage of them; and thus I began to be received quite in a +confidential light by the Potzdorff family, and became a mere nominal +soldier, being allowed to appear in plain clothes (which were, I warrant +you, of a neat fashion), and to enjoy myself in a hundred ways, which +the poor fellows my comrades envied. As for the sergeants, they were as +civil to me as to an officer: it was as much as their stripes were worth +to offend a person who had the ear of the Minister's nephew. There was +in my company a young fellow by the name of Kurz, who was six feet high +in spite of his name, and whose life I had saved in some affair of +the war. What does this lad do, after I had recounted to him one of my +adventures, but call me a spy and informer, and beg me not to call +him DU any more, as is the fashion with young men when they are very +intimate. I had nothing for it but to call him out; but I owed him no +grudge. I disarmed him in a twinkling; and as I sent his sword flying +over his head, said to him, 'Kurz, did ever you know a man guilty of +a mean action who can do as I do now?' This silenced the rest of the +grumblers; and no man ever sneered at me after that. + +No man can suppose that to a person of my fashion the waiting in +antechambers, the conversation of footmen and hangers-on, was pleasant. +But it was not more degrading than the barrack-room, of which I need not +say I was heartily sick. My protestations of liking for the army were +all intended to throw dust into the eyes of my employer. I sighed to be +out of slavery. I knew I was born to make a figure in the world. Had I +been one of the Neiss garrison, I would have cut my way to freedom +by the side of the gallant Frenchman; but here I had only artifice to +enable me to attain my end, and was not I justified in employing it? My +plan was this: I may make myself so necessary to M. de Potzdorff, that +he will obtain my freedom. Once free, with my fine person and good +family, I will do what ten thousand Irish gentlemen have done before, +and will marry a lady of fortune and condition. And the proof that I +was, if not disinterested, at least actuated by a noble ambition, is +this. There was a fat grocer's widow in Berlin with six hundred thalers +of rent, and a good business, who gave me to understand that she would +purchase my discharge if I would marry her; but I frankly told her that +I was not made to be a grocer, and thus absolutely flung away a chance +of freedom which she offered me. + +And I was grateful to my employers; more grateful than they to me. The +Captain was in debt, and had dealings with the Jews, to whom he gave +notes of hand payable on his uncle's death. The old Herr von Potzdorff, +seeing the confidence his nephew had in me, offered to bribe me to know +what the young man's affairs really were. But what did I do? I informed +Monsieur George von Potzdorff of the fact; and we made out, in concert, +a list of little debts, so moderate, that they actually appeased the old +uncle instead of irritating, and he paid them, being glad to get off so +cheap. + +And a pretty return I got for this fidelity. One morning, the old +gentleman being closeted with his nephew (he used to come to get any +news stirring as to what the young officers of the regiment were doing: +whether this or that gambled; who intrigued, and with whom; who was at +the ridotto on such a night; who was in debt, and what not; for the King +liked to know the business of every officer in his army), I was +sent with a letter to the Marquis d'Argens (that afterwards married +Mademoiselle Cochois the actress), and, meeting the Marquis at a few +paces off in the street, gave my message, and returned to the Captain's +lodging. He and his worthy uncle were making my unworthy self the +subject of conversation. + +'He is noble,' said the Captain. + +'Bah!' replied the uncle (whom I could have throttled for his +insolence). 'All the beggarly Irish who ever enlisted tell the same +story.' + +'He was kidnapped by Galgenstein,' resumed the other. + +'A kidnapped deserter,' said M. Potzdorff; 'la belle affaire!' + +'Well, I promised the lad I would ask for his discharge; and I am sure +you can make him useful.' + +'You HAVE asked his discharge,' answered the elder, laughing. 'Bon Dieu! +You are a model of probity! You'll never succeed to my place, George, if +you are no wiser than you are just now. Make the fellow as useful to you +as you please. He has a good manner and a frank countenance. He can lie +with an assurance that I never saw surpassed, and fight, you say, on a +pinch. The scoundrel does not want for good qualities; but he is vain, a +spendthrift, and a bavard. As long as you have the regiment in terrorem +over him, you can do as you like with him. Once let him loose, and the +lad is likely to give you the slip. Keep on promising him; promise to +make him a general, if you like. What the deuce do I care? There are +spies enough to be had in this town without him.' + +It was thus that the services I rendered to M. Potzdorff were qualified +by that ungrateful old gentleman; and I stole away from the room +extremely troubled in spirit, to think that another of my fond dreams +was thus dispelled; and that my hopes of getting out of the army, +by being useful to the Captain, were entirely vain. For some time +my despair was such, that I thought of marrying the widow; but the +marriages of privates are never allowed without the direct permission +of the King; and it was a matter of very great doubt whether His Majesty +would allow a young fellow of twenty-two, the handsomest man of his +army, to be coupled to a pimplefaced old widow of sixty, who was +quite beyond the age when her marriage would be likely to multiply the +subjects of His Majesty. This hope of liberty was therefore vain; nor +could I hope to purchase my discharge, unless any charitable soul would +lend me a large sum of money; for, though I made a good deal, as I +have said, yet I have always had through life an incorrigible knack of +spending, and (such is my generosity of disposition) have been in debt +ever since I was born. + +My captain, the sly rascal! gave me a very different version of his +conversation with his uncle to that which I knew to be the true one; and +said smilingly to me, 'Redmond, I have spoken to the Minister regarding +thy services,[Footnote: The service about which Mr. Barry here speaks +has, and we suspect purposely, been described by him in very dubious +terms. It is most probable that he was employed to wait at the table +of strangers in Berlin, and to bring to the Police Minister any news +concerning them which might at all interest the Government. The great +Frederick never received a guest without taking these hospitable +precautions; and as for the duels which Mr. Barry fights, may we be +allowed to hint a doubt as to a great number of these combats. It will +be observed, in one or two other parts of his Memoirs, that whenever he +is at an awkward pass, or does what the world does not usually consider +respectable, a duel, in which he is victorious, is sure to ensue; from +which he argues that he is a man of undoubted honour.] and thy fortune +is made. We shall get thee out of the army, appoint thee to the police +bureau, and procure for thee an inspectorship of customs; and, in fine, +allow thee to move in a better sphere than that in which Fortune has +hitherto placed thee. + +Although I did not believe a word of this speech, I affected to be very +much moved by it, and of course swore eternal gratitude to the Captain +for his kindness to the poor Irish castaway. + +'Your service at the Dutch Minister's has pleased me very well. There is +another occasion on which you may make yourself useful to us; and if you +succeed, depend on it your reward will be secure.' + +'What is the service, sir?' said I; 'I will do anything for so kind a +master.' + +'There is lately come to Berlin,' said the Captain, 'a gentleman in +the service of the Empress-Queen, who calls himself the Chevalier de +Balibari, and wears the red riband and star of the Pope's order of the +Spur. He speaks Italian or French indifferently; but we have some +reason to fancy this Monsieur de Balibari is a native of your country of +Ireland. Did you ever hear such a name as Balibari in Ireland?' + +'Balibari? Balyb--?' A sudden thought flashed across me. 'No, sir,' said +I, 'I never heard the name.' + +'You must go into his service. Of course you will not know a word of +English: and if the Chevalier asks as to the particularity of your +accent, say you are a Hungarian. The servant who came with him will be +turned away to-day, and the person to whom he has applied for a faithful +fellow will recommend you. You are a Hungarian; you served in the Seven +Years' War. You left the army on account of weakness of the loins. You +served Monsieur de Quellenberg two years; he is now with the army in +Silesia, but there is your certificate signed by him. You afterwards +lived with Doctor Mopsius, who will give you a character, if need be; +and the landlord of the "Star" will, of course, certify that you are an +honest fellow: but his certificate goes for nothing. As for the rest of +your story, you can fashion that as you will, and make it as romantic +or as ludicrous as your fancy dictates. Try, however, to win the +Chevalier's confidence by provoking his compassion. He gambles a great +deal, and WINS. Do you know the cards well?' + +'Only a very little, as soldiers do.' + +'I had thought you more expert. You must find out if the Chevalier +cheats; if he does, we have him. He sees the English and Austrian envoys +continually, and the young men of either Ministry sup repeatedly at his +house. Find out what they talk of; for how much each plays, especially +if any of them play on parole: if you can read his private letters, of +course you will; though about those which go to the post, you need not +trouble yourself; we look at them there. But never see him write a note +without finding out to whom it goes, and by what channel or messenger. +He sleeps with the keys of his despatch-box on a string round his neck. +Twenty Frederics, if you get an impression of the keys. You will, of +course, go in plain clothes. You had best brush the powder out of your +hair, and tie it with a riband simply; your moustache you must of course +shave off. + +With these instructions, and a very small gratuity, the Captain left me. +When I again saw him, he was amused at the change in my appearance. +I had, not without a pang (for they were as black as jet, and curled +elegantly), shaved off my moustaches; had removed the odious grease and +flour, which I always abominated, out of my hair; had mounted a demure +French grey coat, black satin breeches, and a maroon plush waistcoat, +and a hat without a cockade. I looked as meek and humble as any servant +out of place could possibly appear; and I think not my own regiment, +which was now at the review at Potsdam, would have known me. Thus +accoutred, I went to the 'Star Hotel,' where this stranger was,--my +heart beating with anxiety, and something telling me that this Chevalier +de Balibari was no other than Barry, of Ballybarry, my father's eldest +brother, who had given up his estate in consequence of his obstinate +adherence to the Romish superstition. Before I went in to present +myself, I went to look in the remises at his carriage. Had he the Barry +arms? Yes, there they were: argent, a bend gules, with four escallops of +the field,--the ancient coat of my house. They were painted in a shield +about as big as my hat, on a smart chariot handsomely gilded, surmounted +with a coronet, and supported by eight or nine Cupids, cornucopias, and +flower-baskets, according to the queer heraldic fashion of those days. +It must be he! I felt quite feint as I went up the stairs. I was going +to present myself before my uncle in the character of a servant! + +'You are the young man whom M. de Seebach recommended?' + +I bowed, and handed him a letter from that gentleman, with which my +captain had taken care to provide me. As he looked at it I had leisure +to examine him. My uncle was a man of sixty years of age, dressed +superbly in a coat and breeches of apricot-coloured velvet, a white +satin waistcoat embroidered with gold like the coat. Across his breast +went the purple riband of his order of the Spur; and the star of the +order, an enormous one, sparkled on his breast. He had rings on all his +fingers, a couple of watches in his fobs, a rich diamond solitaire in +the black riband round his neck, and fastened to the bag of his wig; his +ruffles and frills were decorated with a profusion of the richest lace. +He had pink silk stockings rolled over the knee, and tied with gold +garters; and enormous diamond buckles to his red-heeled shoes. A sword +mounted in gold, in a white fish-skin scabbard; and a hat richly laced, +and lined with white feathers, which were lying on a table beside him, +completed the costume of this splendid gentleman. In height he was +about my size, that is, six feet and half an inch; his cast of features +singularly like mine, and extremely distingue. One of his eyes was +closed with a black patch, however; he wore a little white and red +paint, by no means an unusual ornament in those days; and a pair of +moustaches, which fell over his lip and hid a mouth that I afterwards +found had rather a disagreeable expression. When his beard was removed, +the upper teeth appeared to project very much; and his countenance wore +a ghastly fixed smile, by no means pleasant. + +It was very imprudent of me; but when I saw the splendour of his +appearance, the nobleness of his manner, I felt it impossible to keep +disguise with him; and when he said, 'Ah, you are a Hungarian, I see!' I +could hold no longer. + +'Sir,' said I, 'I am an Irishman, and my name is Redmond Barry, of +Ballybarry.' As I spoke, I burst into tears; I can't tell why; but I had +seen none of my kith or kin for six years, and my heart longed for some +one. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII. BARRY'S ADIEU TO MILITARY PROFESSION + +You who have never been out of your country, know little what it is to +hear a friendly voice in captivity; and there's many a man that will not +understand the cause of the burst of feeling which I have confessed took +place on my seeing my uncle. He never for a minute thought to question +the truth of what I said. 'Mother of God!' cried he, 'it's my brother +Harry's son.' And I think in my heart he was as much affected as I was +at thus suddenly finding one of his kindred; for he, too, was an exile +from home, and a friendly voice, a look, brought the old country back to +his memory again, and the old days of his boyhood. 'I'd give five years +of my life to see them again,' said he, after caressing me very warmly. +'What?' asked I. 'Why,' replied he, 'the green fields, and the river, +and the old round tower, and the burying-place at Ballybarry. 'Twas a +shame for your father to part with the land, Redmond, that went so long +with the name.' + +He then began to ask me concerning myself, and I gave him my history at +some length; at which the worthy gentleman laughed many times, saying, +that I was a Barry all over. In the middle of my story he would stop +me, to make me stand back to back, and measure with him (by which I +ascertained that our heights were the same, and that my uncle had +a stiff knee, moreover, which made him walk in a peculiar way), and +uttered, during the course of the narrative, a hundred exclamations of +pity, and kindness, and sympathy. It was 'Holy Saints!' and 'Mother of +Heaven!' and 'Blessed Mary!' continually; by which, and with justice, I +concluded that he was still devotedly attached to the ancient faith of +our family. + +It was with some difficulty that I came to explain to him the last part +of my history, viz., that I was put into his service as a watch upon his +actions, of which I was to give information in a certain quarter. When +I told him (with a great deal of hesitation) of this fact, he burst out +laughing, and enjoyed the joke amazingly. 'The rascals!' said he; 'they +think to catch me, do they? Why, Redmond, my chief conspiracy is a +faro-bank. But the King is so jealous, that he will see a spy in every +person who comes to his miserable capital in the great sandy desert +here. Ah, my boy, I must show you Paris and Vienna!' + +I said there was nothing I longed for more than to see any city but +Berlin, and should be delighted to be free of the odious military +service. Indeed, I thought, from his splendour of appearance, the +knickknacks about the room, the gilded carriage in the remise, that my +uncle was a man of vast property; and that he would purchase a dozen, +nay, a whole regiment of substitutes, in order to restore me to freedom. + +But I was mistaken in my calculations regarding him, as his history of +himself speedily showed me. 'I have been beaten about the world,' said +he, 'ever since the year 1742, when my brother your father (and Heaven +forgive him) cut my family estate from under my heels, by turning +heretic, in order to marry that scold of a mother of yours. Well, let +bygones be bygones. 'Tis probable that I should have run through the +little property as he did in my place, and I should have had to begin +a year or two later the life I have been leading ever since I was +compelled to leave Ireland. My lad, I have been in every service; +and, between ourselves, owe money in every capital in Europe. I made a +campaign or two with the Pandours under Austrian Trenck. I was captain +in the Guard of His Holiness the Pope, I made the campaign of Scotland +with the Prince of Wales--a bad fellow, my dear, caring more for +his mistress and his brandy-bottle than for the crowns of the three +kingdoms. I have served in Spain and in Piedmont; but I have been a +rolling stone, my good fellow. Play--play has been my ruin; that and +beauty' (here he gave a leer which made him, I must confess, look +anything but handsome; besides, his rouged cheeks were all beslobbered +with the tears which he had shed on receiving me). 'The women have made +a fool of me, my dear Redmond. I am a soft-hearted creature, and this +minute, at sixty-two, have no more command of myself than when Peggy +O'Dwyer made a fool of me at sixteen.' + +''Faith sir,' says I, laughing, 'I think it runs in the family!' and +described to him, much to his amusement, my romantic passion for my +cousin, Nora Brady. He resumed his narrative. + +'The cards now are my only livelihood. Sometimes I am in luck, and then +I lay out my money in these trinkets you see. It's property, look you, +Redmond; and the only way I have found of keeping a little about me. +When the luck goes against me, why, my dear, my diamonds go to the +pawnbrokers, and I wear paste. Friend Moses the goldsmith will pay me a +visit this very day; for the chances have been against me all the week +past, and I must raise money for the bank to-night. Do you understand +the cards?' + +I replied that I could play as soldiers do, but had no great skill. + +'We will practise in the morning, my boy,' said he, 'and I'll put you up +to a thing or two worth knowing.' + +Of course I was glad to have such an opportunity of acquiring knowledge, +and professed myself delighted to receive my uncle's instruction. + +The Chevalier's account of himself rather disagreeably affected me. +All his show was on his back, as he said. His carriage, with the fine +gilding, was a part of his stock in trade. He HAD a sort of mission from +the Austrian Court:--it was to discover whether a certain quantity of +alloyed ducats which had been traced to Berlin, were from the King's +treasury. But the real end of Monsieur de Balibari was play. There was +a young attache of the English embassy, my Lord Deuceace, afterwards +Viscount and Earl of Crabs in the English peerage, who was playing high; +and it was after hearing of the passion of this young English nobleman +that my uncle, then at Prague, determined to visit Berlin and engage +him. For there is a sort of chivalry among the knights of the dice-box: +the fame of great players is known all over Europe. I have known the +Chevalier de Casanova, for instance, to travel six hundred miles, from +Paris to Turin, for the purpose of meeting Mr. Charles Fox, then only my +Lord Holland's dashing son, afterwards the greatest of European orators +and statesmen. + +It was agreed that I should keep my character of valet; that in the +presence of strangers I should not know a word of English; that I should +keep a good look-out on the trumps when I was serving the champagne and +punch about; and, having a remarkably fine eyesight and a great natural +aptitude, I was speedily able to give my dear uncle much assistance +against his opponents at the green table. Some prudish persons may +affect indignation at the frankness of these confessions, but Heaven +pity them! Do you suppose that any man who has lost or won a hundred +thousand pounds at play will not take the advantages which his neighbour +enjoys? They are all the same. But it is only the clumsy fool who +CHEATS; who resorts to the vulgar expedients of cogged dice and cut +cards. Such a man is sure to go wrong some time or other, and is not fit +to play in the society of gallant gentlemen; and my advice to people who +see such a vulgar person at his pranks is, of course, to back him +while he plays, but never--never to have anything to do with him. Play +grandly, honourably. Be not, of course, cast down at losing; but above +all, be not eager at winning, as mean souls are. And, indeed, with all +one's skill and advantages, winning is often problematical; I have seen +a sheer ignoramus that knows no more of play than of Hebrew, blunder you +out of five thousand pounds in a few turns of the cards. I have seen a +gentleman and his confederate play against another and HIS confederate. +One never is secure in these cases: and when one considers the time and +labour spent, the genius, the anxiety, the outlay of money required, the +multiplicity of bad debts that one meets with (for dishonourable rascals +are to be found at the play-table, as everywhere else in the world), +I say, for my part, the profession is a bad one; and, indeed, have +scarcely ever met a man who, in the end, profited by it. I am writing +now with the experience of a man of the world. At the time I speak of I +was a lad, dazzled by the idea of wealth, and respecting, certainly too +much, my uncle's superior age and station in life. + +There is no need to particularise here the little arrangements made +between us; the playmen of the present day want no instruction, I take +it, and the public have little interest in the matter. But simplicity +was our secret. Everything successful is simple. If, for instance, I +wiped the dust off a chair with my napkin, it was to show that the enemy +was strong in diamonds; if I pushed it, he had ace, king; if I said, +'Punch or wine, my Lord?' hearts was meant; if 'Wine or punch?' clubs. +If I blew my nose, it was to indicate that there was another confederate +employed by the adversary; and THEN, I warrant you, some pretty trials +of skill would take place. My Lord Deuceace, although so young, had a +very great skill and cleverness with the cards in every way; and it was +only from hearing Frank Punter, who came with him, yawn three times when +the Chevalier had the ace of trumps, that I knew we were Greek to Greek, +as it were. + +My assumed dulness was perfect; and I used to make Monsieur de +Potzdorff laugh with it, when I carried my little reports to him at +the Garden-house outside the town where he gave me rendezvous. These +reports, of course, were arranged between me and my uncle beforehand. I +was instructed (and it is always far the best way) to tell as much truth +as my story would possibly bear. When, for instance, he would ask me, +'What does the Chevalier do of a morning?' + +'He goes to church regularly' (he was very religious), 'and after +hearing mass comes home to breakfast. Then he takes an airing in his +chariot till dinner, which is served at noon. After dinner he writes his +letters, if he have any letters to write: but he has very little to +do in this way. His letters are to the Austrian envoy, with whom he +corresponds, but who does not acknowledge him; and being written in +English, of course I look over his shoulder. He generally writes for +money. He says he wants it to bribe the secretaries of the Treasury, +in order to find out really where the alloyed ducats come from; but, +in fact, he wants it to play of evenings, when he makes his party with +Calsabigi, the lottery-contractor, the Russian attaches, two from the +English embassy, my Lords Deuceace and Punter, who play a jeu d'enfer, +and a few more. The same set meet every night at supper: there are +seldom any ladies; those who come are chiefly French ladies, members of +the corps de ballet. He wins often, but not always. Lord Deuceace is a +very fine player. The Chevalier Elliot, the English Minister, sometimes +comes, on which occasion the secretaries do not play. Monsieur de +Balibari dines at the missions, but en petit comite, not on grand days +of reception. Calsabigi, I think, is his confederate at play. He has +won lately; but the week before last he pledged his solitaire for four +hundred ducats.' + +'Do he and the English attaches talk together in their own language?' + +'Yes; he and the envoy spoke yesterday for half-an-hour about the new +danseuse and the American troubles: chiefly about the new danseuse.' + +It will be seen that the information I gave was very minute and +accurate, though not very important. But such as it was, it was carried +to the ears of that famous hero and warrior the Philosopher of Sans +Souci; and there was not a stranger who entered the capital but his +actions were similarly spied and related to Frederick the Great. + +As long as the play was confined to the young men of the different +embassies, His Majesty did not care to prevent it; nay, he encouraged +play at all the missions, knowing full well that a man in difficulties +can be made to speak, and that a timely rouleau of Frederics would +often get him a secret worth many thousands. He got some papers from +the French house in this way: and I have no doubt that my Lord Deuceace +would have supplied him with information at a similar rate, had his +chief not known the young nobleman's character pretty well, and had +(as is usually the case) the work of the mission performed by a steady +roturier, while the young brilliant bloods of the suite sported their +embroidery at the balls, or shook their Mechlin ruffles over the green +tables at faro. I have seen many scores of these young sprigs since, +of these and their principals, and, mon Dieu! what fools they are! What +dullards, what fribbles, what addle-headed simple coxcombs! This is one +of the lies of the world, this diplomacy; or how could we suppose, that +were the profession as difficult as the solemn red-box and tape-men +would have us believe, they would invariably choose for it little +pink-faced boys from school, with no other claim than mamma's title, and +able at most to judge of a curricle, a new dance, or a neat boot? + +When it became known, however, to the officers of the garrison that +there was a faro-table in town, they were wild to be admitted to the +sport; and, in spite of my entreaties to the contrary, my uncle was +not averse to allow the young gentlemen their fling, and once or twice +cleared a handsome sum out of their purses. It was in vain I told him +that I must carry the news to my captain, before whom his comrades would +not fail to talk, and who would thus know of the intrigue even without +my information. + +'Tell him,' said my uncle. + +'They will send you away,' said I; 'then what is to become of me?' + +'Make your mind easy,' said the latter, with a smile; 'you shall not be +left behind, I warrant you. Go take a last look at your barracks, make +your mind easy; say a farewell to your friends in Berlin. The dear +souls, how they will weep when they hear you are out of the country; +and, as sure as my name is Barry, out of it you shall go!' + +'But how, sir?' said I. + +'Recollect Mr. Fakenham of Fakenham,' said he knowingly. ''Tis you +yourself taught me how. Go get me one of my wigs. Open my despatch-box +yonder, where the great secrets of the Austrian Chancery lie; put your +hair back off you forehead; clap me on this patch and these moustaches, +and now look in the glass!' + +'The Chevalier de Balibari,' said I, bursting with laughter, and began +walking the room in his manner with his stiff knee. + +The next day, when I went to make my report to Monsieur de Potzdorff, I +told him of the young Prussian officers that had been of late gambling; +and he replied, as I expected, that the King had determined to send the +Chevalier out of the country. + +'He is a stingy curmudgeon,' I replied; 'I have had but three Frederics +from him in two months, and I hope you will remember your promise to +advance me!' + +'Why, three Frederics were too much for the news you have picked up,' +said the Captain, sneering. + +'It is not my fault that there has been no more,' I replied. 'When is he +to go, sir?' + +'The day after to-morrow. You say he drives after breakfast and before +dinner. When he comes out to his carriage, a couple of gendarmes will +mount the box, and the coachman will get his orders to move on.' + +'And his baggage, sir?' said I. + +'Oh! that will be sent after him. I have a fancy to look into that red +box which contains his papers, you say; and at noon, after parade, shall +be at the inn. You will not say a word to any one there regarding the +affair, and will wait for me at the Chevalier's rooms until my arrival. +We must force that box. You are a clumsy hound, or you would have got +the key long ago!' + +I begged the Captain to remember me, and so took my leave of him. The +next night I placed a couple of pistols under the carriage seat; and +I think the adventures of the following day are quite worthy of the +honours of a separate chapter. + + + + +CHAPTER IX. I APPEAR IN A MANNER BECOMING MY NAME AND LINEAGE + +Fortune smiling at parting upon Monsieur de Balibari, enabled him to win +a handsome sum with his faro-bank. + +At ten o'clock the next morning, the carriage of the Chevalier de +Balibari drew up as usual at the door of his hotel; and the Chevalier, +who was at his window, seeing the chariot arrive, came down the stairs +in his usual stately manner. + +'Where is my rascal Ambrose?' said he, looking around and not finding +his servant to open the door. + +'I will let down the steps for your honour,' said a gendarme, who was +standing by the carriage; and no sooner had the Chevalier entered, +than the officer jumped in after him, another mounted the box by the +coachman, and the latter began to drive. + +'Good gracious!' said the Chevalier, 'what is this?' + +'You are going to drive to the frontier,' said the gendarme, touching +his hat. + +'It is shameful--infamous! I insist upon being put down at the Austrian +Ambassador's house!' + +'I have orders to gag your honour if you cry out,' said the gendarme. + +'All Europe shall hear of this!' said the Chevalier, in a fury. + +'As you please,' answered the officer, and then both relapsed into +silence. + +The silence was not broken between Berlin and Potsdam, through which +place the Chevalier passed as His Majesty was reviewing his guards +there, and the regiments of Bulow, Zitwitz, and Henkel de Donnersmark. +As the Chevalier passed His Majesty, the King raised his hat and said, +'Qu'il ne descende pas: je lui souhaite un bon voyage.' The Chevalier de +Balibari acknowledged this courtesy by a profound bow. + +They had not got far beyond Potsdam, when boom! the alarm cannon began +to roar. + +'It is a deserter,' said the officer. + +'Is it possible?' said the Chevalier, and sank back into his carriage +again. + +Hearing the sound of the guns, the common people came out along the road +with fowling-pieces and pitchforks, in hopes to catch the truant. The +gendarmes seemed very anxious to be on the look-out for him too. The +price of a deserter was fifty crowns to those who brought him in. + +'Confess, sir,' said the Chevalier to the police officer in the carriage +with him, 'that you long to be rid of me, from whom you can get nothing, +and to be on the look-out for the deserter who may bring you in fifty +crowns? Why not tell the postilion to push on? You may land me at the +frontier and get back to your hunt all the sooner.' The officer told +the postillion to get on; but the way seemed intolerably long to +the Chevalier. Once or twice he thought he heard the noise of horse +galloping behind: his own horses did not seem to go two miles an hour; +but they DID go. The black and white barriers came in view at last, hard +by Bruck, and opposite them the green and yellow of Saxony. The Saxon +custom-house officers came out. + +'I have no luggage,' said the Chevalier. + +'The gentleman has nothing contraband,' said the Prussian officers, +grinning, and took their leave of their prisoner with much respect. + +The Chevalier de Balibari gave them a Frederic apiece. + +'Gentlemen,' said he, 'I wish you a good day. Will you please to go to +the house whence we set out this morning, and tell my man there to send +on my baggage to the "Three Kings" at Dresden?' + +Then ordering fresh horses, the Chevalier set off on his journey for +that capital. I need not tell you that _I_ was the Chevalier. + +'From the Chevalier de Balibari to Redmond Barry, Esquire, Gentilhomme +Anglais, a l'Hotel des 3 Couronnes, a Dresde en Saxe. + +'Nephew Redmond,--This comes to you by a sure hand, no other than Mr. +Lumpit of the English Mission, who is acquainted, as all Berlin will +be directly, with our wonderful story. They only know half as yet; +they only know that a deserter went off in my clothes, and all are in +admiration of your cleverness and valour. + +'I confess that for two hours after your departure I lay in bed in no +small trepidation, thinking whether His Majesty might have a fancy to +send me to Spandau, for the freak of which we had both been guilty. But +in that case I had taken my precautions: I had written a statement of +the case to my chief, the Austrian Minister, with the full and true +story how you had been set to spy upon me, how you turned out to be +my very near relative, how you had been kidnapped yourself into the +service, and how we both had determined to effect your escape. The laugh +would have been so much against the King, that he never would have dared +to lay a finger upon me. What would Monsieur de Voltaire have said +to such an act of tyranny? But it was a lucky day, and everything has +turned out to my wish. As I lay in my bed two and a half hours after +your departure, in comes your ex-Captain Potzdorff. "Redmont!" says he, +in his imperious High-Dutch way, "are you there?" No answer. "The rogue +is gone out," said he; and straightway makes for my red box where I keep +my love-letters, my glass eye which I used to wear, my favourite lucky +dice with which I threw the thirteen mains at Prague; my two sets of +Paris teeth, and my other private matters that you know of. + +'He first tried a bunch of keys, but none of them would fit the little +English lock. Then my gentleman takes out of his pocket a chisel and +hammer, and falls to work like a professional burglar, actually bursting +open my little box! + +'Now was my time to act. I advance towards him armed with an immense +water-jug. I come noiselessly up to him just as he had broken the box, +and with all my might I deal him such a blow over the head as smashes +the water-jug to atoms, and sends my captain with a snort lifeless to +the ground. I thought I had killed him. + +'Then I ring all the bells in the house; and shout and swear and +scream, "Thieves!--thieves!--landlord!--murder!--fire!" until the whole +household come tumbling up the stairs. "Where is my servant?" roar I. +"Who dares to rob me in open day? Look at the villain whom I find in +the act of breaking my chest open! Send for the police, send for his +Excellency the Austrian Minister! all Europe shall know of this insult!" + +'"Dear Heaven!" says the landlord, "we saw you go away three hours ago!" + +'"ME!" says I; "why, man, I have been in bed all the morning. I am +ill--I have taken physic--I have not left the house this morning! Where +is that scoundrel Ambrose? But, stop! where are my clothes and wig?" +for I was standing before them in my chamber-gown and stockings, with my +nightcap on. + +'"I have it--I have it!" says a little chambermaid: "Ambrose is off in +your honour's dress." + +'"And my money--my money!" says I; "where is my purse with forty-eight +Frederics in it? But we have one of the villains left. Officers, seize +him!" + +'"It's the young Herr von Potzdorff!" says the landlord, more and more +astonished. + +'"What! a gentleman breaking open my trunk with hammer and +chisel--impossible!" + +'Herr von Potzdorff was returning to life by this time, with a swelling +on his skull as big as a saucepan; and the officers carried him off, and +the judge who was sent for dressed a proces verbal of the matter, and I +demanded a copy of it, which I sent forthwith to my ambassador. + +'I was kept a prisoner to my room the next day, and a judge, a general, +and a host of lawyers, officers, and officials, were set upon me to +bully, perplex, threaten, and cajole me. I said it was true you had told +me that you had been kidnapped into the service, that I thought you were +released from it, and that I had you with the best recommendations. I +appealed to my Minister, who was bound to come to my aid; and, to make +a long story short, poor Potzdorff is now on his way to Spandau; and his +uncle, the elder Potzdorff, has brought me five hundred louis, with a +humble request that I would leave Berlin forthwith, and hush up this +painful matter. + +'I shall be with you at the "Three Crowns" the day after you receive +this. Ask Mr. Lumpit to dinner. Do not spare your money--you are my son. +Everybody in Dresden knows your loving uncle, + +'THE CHEVALIER DE BALIBARI.' + + +And by these wonderful circumstances I was once more free again: and I +kept my resolution then made, never to fall more into the hands of any +recruiter, and henceforth and for ever to be a gentleman. + +With this sum of money, and a good run of luck which ensued presently, +we were enabled to make no ungenteel figure. My uncle speedily joined +me at the inn at Dresden, where, under pretence of illness, I had +kept quiet until his arrival; and, as the Chevalier de Balibari was in +particular good odour at the Court of Dresden (having been an intimate +acquaintance of the late monarch, the Elector, King of Poland, the most +dissolute and agreeable of European princes), I was speedily in the very +best society of the Saxon capital: where I may say that my own person +and manners, and the singularity of the adventures in which I had been a +hero, made me especially welcome. There was not a party of the nobility +to which the two gentlemen of Balibari were not invited. I had the +honour of kissing hands and being graciously received at Court by the +Elector, and I wrote home to my mother such a flaming description of my +prosperity, that the good soul very nearly forgot her celestial welfare +and her confessor, the Reverend Joshua Jowls, in order to come after me +to Germany; but travelling was very difficult in those days, and so we +were spared the arrival of the good lady. + +I think the soul of Harry Barry, my father, who was always so genteel +in his turn of mind, must have rejoiced to see the position which I now +occupied; all the women anxious to receive me, all the men in a fury; +hobnobbing with dukes and counts at supper, dancing minuets with +high-well-born baronesses (as they absurdly call themselves in Germany), +with lovely excellencies, nay, with highnesses and transparencies +themselves: who could compete with the gallant young Irish noble? who +would suppose that seven weeks before I had been a common--bah! I am +ashamed to think of it! One of the pleasantest moments of my life was at +a grand gala at the Electoral Palace, where I had the honour of walking +a polonaise with no other than the Margravine of Bayreuth, old Fritz's +own sister: old Fritz's, whose hateful blue-baize livery I had worn, +whose belts I had pipeclayed, and whose abominable rations of small beer +and sauerkraut I had swallowed for five years. + +Having won an English chariot from an Italian gentleman at play, my +uncle had our arms painted on the panels in a more splendid way than +ever, surmounted (as we were descended from the ancient kings) with an +Irish crown of the most splendid size and gilding. I had this crown in +lieu of a coronet engraved on a large amethyst signet-ring worn on my +forefinger; and I don't mind confessing that I used to say the jewel had +been in my family for several thousand years, having originally belonged +to my direct ancestor, his late Majesty King Brian Boru, or Barry. I +warrant the legends of the Heralds' College are not more authentic than +mine was. + +At first the Minister and the gentlemen at the English hotel used to be +rather shy of us two Irish noblemen, and questioned our pretensions to +rank. The Minister was a lord's son, it is true, but he was likewise a +grocer's grandson; and so I told him at Count Lobkowitz's masquerade. +My uncle, like a noble gentleman as he was, knew the pedigree of +every considerable family in Europe. He said it was the only knowledge +befitting a gentleman; and when we were not at cards, we would pass +hours over Gwillim or D'Hozier, reading the genealogies, learning the +blazons, and making ourselves acquainted with the relationships of +our class. Alas! the noble science is going into disrepute now: so are +cards, without which studies and pastimes I can hardly conceive how a +man of honour can exist. + +My first affair of honour with a man of undoubted fashion was on the +score of my nobility, with young Sir Rumford Bumford of the English +embassy; my uncle at the same time sending a cartel to the Minister, who +declined to come. I shot Sir Rumford in the leg, amidst the tears of joy +of my uncle, who accompanied me to the ground; and I promise you that +none of the young gentlemen questioned the authenticity of my pedigree, +or laughed at my Irish crown again. + +What a delightful life did we now lead! I knew I was born a gentleman, +from the kindly way in which I took to the business: as business +it certainly is. For though it SEEMS all pleasure, yet I assure any +low-bred persons who may chance to read this, that we, their betters, +have to work as well as they: though I did not rise until noon, yet had +I not been up at play until long past midnight? Many a time have we come +home to bed as the troops were marching out to early parade; and oh! +it did my heart good to hear the bugles blowing the reveille before +daybreak, or to see the regiments marching out to exercise, and think +that I was no longer bound to that disgusting discipline, but restored +to my natural station. + +I came into it at once, and as if I had never done anything else all my +life. I had a gentleman to wait upon me, a French friseur to dress my +hair of a morning; I knew the taste of chocolate as by intuition almost, +and could distinguish between the right Spanish and the French before +I had been a week in my new position; I had rings on all my fingers, +watches in both my fobs, canes, trinkets, and snuffboxes of all sorts, +and each outvying the other in elegance. I had the finest natural taste +for lace and china of any man I ever knew; I could judge a horse as well +as any Jew dealer in Germany; in shooting and athletic exercises I +was unrivalled; I could not spell, but I could speak German and French +cleverly. I had at the least twelve suits of clothes; three richly +embroidered with gold, two laced with silver, a garnet-coloured velvet +pelisse lined with sable; one of French grey, silver-laced, and lined +with chinchilla. I had damask morning robes. I took lessons on the +guitar, and sang French catches exquisitely. Where, in fact, was there a +more accomplished gentleman than Redmond de Balibari? + +All the luxuries becoming my station could not, of course, be purchased +without credit and money: to procure which, as our patrimony had been +wasted by our ancestors, and we were above the vulgarity and slow +returns and doubtful chances of trade, my uncle kept a faro-bank. We +were in partnership with a Florentine, well known in all the Courts +of Europe, the Count Alessandro Pippi, as skilful a player as ever was +seen; but he turned out a sad knave latterly, and I have discovered that +his countship was a mere imposture. My uncle was maimed, as I have said; +Pippi, like all impostors, was a coward; it was my unrivalled skill with +the sword, and readiness to use it, that maintained the reputation of +the firm, so to speak, and silenced many a timid gambler who might have +hesitated to pay his losings. We always played on parole with anybody: +any person, that is, of honour and noble lineage. We never pressed for +our winnings or declined to receive promissory notes in lieu of gold. +But woe to the man who did not pay when the note became due! Redmond +de Balibari was sure to wait upon him with his bill, and I promise you +there were very few bad debts: on the contrary, gentlemen were +grateful to us for our forbearance, and our character for honour stood +unimpeached. In later times, a vulgar national prejudice has chosen +to cast a slur upon the character of men of honour engaged in the +profession of play; but I speak of the good old days in Europe, before +the cowardice of the French aristocracy (in the shameful Revolution, +which served them right) brought discredit and ruin upon our order. They +cry fie now upon men engaged in play; but I should like to know how much +more honourable THEIR modes of livelihood are than ours. The broker of +the Exchange who bulls and bears, and buys and sells, and dabbles with +lying loans, and trades on State secrets, what is he but a gamester? The +merchant who deals in teas and tallow, is he any better? His bales of +dirty indigo are his dice, his cards come up every year instead of every +ten minutes, and the sea is his green table. You call the profession of +the law an honourable one, where a man will lie for any bidder; lie down +poverty for the sake of a fee from wealth, lie down right because wrong +is in his brief. You call a doctor an honourable man, a swindling quack, +who does not believe in the nostrums which he prescribes, and takes your +guinea for whispering in your ear that it is a fine morning; and +yet, forsooth, a gallant man who sits him down before the baize and +challenges all comers, his money against theirs, his fortune against +theirs, is proscribed by your modern moral world. It is a conspiracy +of the middle classes against gentlemen: it is only the shopkeeper cant +which is to go down nowadays. I say that play was an institution of +chivalry: it has been wrecked, along with other privileges of men of +birth. When Seingalt engaged a man for six-and-thirty hours without +leaving the table, do you think he showed no courage? How have we had +the best blood, and the brightest eyes, too, of Europe throbbing round +the table, as I and my uncle have held the cards and the bank against +some terrible player, who was matching some thousands out of his +millions against our all which was there on the baize! when we engaged +that daring Alexis Kossloffsky, and won seven thousand louis in a single +coup, had we lost, we should have been beggars the next day; when HE +lost, he was only a village and a few hundred serfs in pawn the worse. +When, at Toeplitz, the Duke of Courland brought fourteen lacqueys, each +with four bags of florins, and challenged our bank to play against +the sealed bags, what did we ask? 'Sir,' said we, 'we have but eighty +thousand florins in bank, or two hundred thousand at three months. If +your Highness's bags do not contain more than eighty thousand, we will +meet you.' And we did, and after eleven hours' play, in which our +bank was at one time reduced to two hundred and three ducats, we won +seventeen thousand florins of him. Is THIS not something like boldness? +does THIS profession not require skill, and perseverance, and bravery? +Four crowned heads looked on at the game, and an Imperial princess, when +I turned up the ace of hearts and made Paroli, burst into tears. No +man on the European Continent held a higher position than Redmond Barry +then; and when the Duke of Courland lost, he was pleased to say that we +had won nobly; and so we had, and spent nobly what we won. + +At this period my uncle, who attended mass every day regularly, always +put ten florins into the box. Wherever we went, the tavern-keepers made +us more welcome than royal princes. We used to give away the broken meat +from our suppers and dinners to scores of beggars who blessed us. Every +man who held my horse or cleaned my boots got a ducat for his pains. +I was, I may say, the author of our common good fortune, by putting +boldness into our play. Pippi was a faint-hearted fellow, who was always +cowardly when he began to win. My uncle (I speak with great respect of +him) was too much of a devotee, and too much of a martinet at play ever +to win GREATLY. His moral courage was unquestionable, but his daring was +not sufficient. Both of these my seniors very soon acknowledged me to be +their chief, and hence the style of splendour I have described. + +I have mentioned H.I.H. the Princess Frederica Amelia, who was affected +by my success, and shall always think with gratitude of the protection +with which that exalted lady honoured me. She was passionately fond of +play, as indeed were the ladies of almost all the Courts in Europe in +those days, and hence would often arise no small trouble to us; for the +truth must be told, that ladies love to play, certainly, but not to PAY. +The point of honour is not understood by the charming sex; and it was +with the greatest difficulty, in our peregrinations to the various +Courts of Northern Europe, that we could keep them from the table, could +get their money if they lost, or, if they paid, prevent them from using +the most furious and extraordinary means of revenge. In those great days +of our fortune, I calculate that we lost no less than fourteen thousand +louis by such failures of payment. A princess of a ducal house gave us +paste instead of diamonds, which she had solemnly pledged to us; another +organised a robbery of the Crown jewels, and would have charged the +theft upon us, but for Pippi's caution, who had kept back a note of hand +'her High Transparency' gave us, and sent it to his ambassador; by which +precaution I do believe our necks were saved. A third lady of high (but +not princely) rank, after I had won a considerable sum in diamonds and +pearls from her, sent her lover with a band of cut-throats to waylay me; +and it was only by extraordinary courage, skill, and good luck, that +I escaped from these villains, wounded myself, but leaving the chief +aggressor dead on the ground: my sword entered his eye and broke there, +and the villains who were with him fled, seeing their chief fall. They +might have finished me else, for I had no weapon of defence. + +Thus it will be seen that our life, for all its splendour, was one of +extreme danger and difficulty, requiring high talents and courage for +success; and often, when we were in a full vein of success, we were +suddenly driven from our ground on account of some freak of a reigning +prince, some intrigue of a disappointed mistress, or some quarrel with +the police minister. If the latter personage were not bribed or won +over, nothing was more common than for us to receive a sudden order of +departure; and so, perforce, we lived a wandering and desultory life. + +Though the gains of such a life are, as I have said, very great, yet the +expenses are enormous. Our appearance and retinue was too splendid for +the narrow mind of Pippi, who was always crying out at my extravagance, +though obliged to own that his own meanness and parsimony would never +have achieved the great victories which my generosity had won. With all +our success, our capital was not very great. That speech to the Duke +of Courland, for instance, was a mere boast as far as the two hundred +thousand florins at three months were concerned. We had no credit, and +no money beyond that on our table, and should have been forced to fly if +his Highness had won and accepted our bills. Sometimes, too, we were +hit very hard. A bank is a certainty, ALMOST; but now and then a bad day +will come; and men who have the courage of good fortune, at least, ought +to meet bad luck well: the former, believe me, is the harder task of the +two. + +One of these evil chances befell us in the Duke of Baden's territory, at +Mannheim. Pippi, who was always on the look-out for business, offered +to make a bank at the inn where we put up, and where the officers of the +Duke's cuirassiers supped; and some small play accordingly took place, +and some wretched crowns and louis changed hands: I trust, rather to +the advantage of these poor gentlemen of the army, who are surely the +poorest of all devils under the sun. + +But, as ill luck would have it, a couple of young students from the +neighbouring University of Heidelberg, who had come to Mannheim for +their quarter's revenue, and so had some hundred of dollars between +them, were introduced to the table, and, having never played before, +began to win (as is always the case). As ill luck would have it, too, +they were tipsy, and against tipsiness I have often found the best +calculations of play fail entirely. They played in the most perfectly +insane way, and yet won always. Every card they backed turned up in +their favour. They had won a hundred louis from us in ten minutes; and, +seeing that Pippi was growing angry and the luck against us, I was for +shutting up the bank for the night, saying the play was only meant for a +joke, and that now we had had enough. + +But Pippi, who had quarrelled with me that day, was determined to +proceed, and the upshot was, that the students played and won more; +then they lent money to the officers, who began to win, too; and in this +ignoble way, in a tavern room thick with tobacco-smoke, across a +deal table besmeared with beer and liquor, and to a parcel of hungry +subalterns and a pair of beardless students, three of the most skilful +and renowned players in Europe lost seventeen hundred louis! I blush +now when I think of it. It was like Charles XII or Richard Coeur de Lion +falling before a petty fortress and an unknown hand (as my friend Mr. +Johnson wrote), and was, in fact, a most shameful defeat. + +Nor was this the only defeat. When our poor conquerors had gone off, +bewildered with the treasure which fortune had flung in their way +(one of these students was called the Baron de Clootz, perhaps he who +afterwards lost his head at Paris), Pippi resumed the quarrel of the +morning, and some exceedingly high words passed between us. Among other +things I recollect I knocked him down with a stool, and was for flinging +him out of the window; but my uncle, who was cool, and had been +keeping Lent with his usual solemnity, interposed between us, and a +reconciliation took place, Pippi apologising and confessing he had been +wrong. + +I ought to have doubted, however, the sincerity of the treacherous +Italian; indeed, as I never before believed a word that he said in his +life, I know not why I was so foolish as to credit him now, and go to +bed, leaving the keys of our cash-box with him. It contained, after our +loss to the cuirassiers, in bills and money, near upon L8000 sterling. +Pippi insisted that our reconciliation should be ratified over a bowl of +hot wine, and I have no doubt put some soporific drug into the liquor; +for my uncle and I both slept till very late the next morning, and woke +with violent headaches and fever: we did not quit our beds till noon. He +had been gone twelve hours, leaving our treasury empty; and behind him +a sort of calculation, by which he strove to make out that this was his +share of the profits, and that all the losses had been incurred without +his consent. + +Thus, after eighteen months, we had to begin the world again. But was I +cast down? No. Our wardrobes still were worth a very large sum of money; +for gentlemen did not dress like parish-clerks in those days, and +a person of fashion would often wear a suit of clothes and a set of +ornaments that would be a shop-boy's fortune; so, without repining for +one single minute, or saying a single angry word (my uncle's temper in +this respect was admirable), or allowing the secret of our loss to +be known to a mortal soul, we pawned three-fourths of our jewels and +clothes to Moses Lowe the banker, and with the produce of the sale, and +our private pocket-money, amounting in all to something less than 800 +louis, we took the field again. + + + + +CHAPTER X. MORE RUNS OF LUCK + +I am not going to entertain my readers with an account of my +professional career as a gamester, any more than I did with anecdotes of +my life as a military man. I might fill volumes with tales of this kind +were I so minded; but at this rate, my recital would not be brought to +a conclusion for years, and who knows how soon I may be called upon to +stop? I have gout, rheumatism, gravel, and a disordered liver. I have +two or three wounds in my body, which break out every now and then, and +give me intolerable pain, and a hundred more signs of breaking up. +Such are the effects of time, illness, and free-living, upon one of +the strongest constitutions and finest forms the world ever saw. Ah! I +suffered from none of these ills in the year '66, when there was no +man in Europe more gay in spirits, more splendid in personal +accomplishments, than young Redmond Barry. + +Before the treachery of the scoundrel Pippi, I had visited many of +the best Courts of Europe; especially the smaller ones, where play was +patronised, and the professors of that science always welcome. Among +the ecclesiastical principalities of the Rhine we were particularly well +received. I never knew finer or gayer Courts than those of the Electors +of Treves and Cologne, where there was more splendour and gaiety than at +Vienna; far more than in the wretched barrack-court of Berlin. The Court +of the Archduchess-Governess of the Netherlands was, likewise, a royal +place for us knights of the dice-box and gallant votaries of fortune; +whereas in the stingy Dutch or the beggarly Swiss republics, it was +impossible for a gentleman to gain a livelihood unmolested. + +After our mishap at Mannheim, my uncle and I made for the Duchy of X---. +The reader may find out the place easily enough; but I do not choose to +print at full the names of some illustrious persons in whose society I +then fell, and among whom I was made the sharer in a very strange and +tragical adventure. + +There was no Court in Europe at which strangers were more welcome than +at that of the noble Duke of X---; none where pleasure was more eagerly +sought after, and more splendidly enjoyed. The Prince did not inhabit +his capital of S---, but, imitating in every respect the ceremonial of +the Court of Versailles, built himself a magnificent palace at a +few leagues from his chief city, and round about his palace a superb +aristocratic town, inhabited entirely by his nobles, and the officers of +his sumptuous Court. The people were rather hardly pressed, to be sure, +in order to keep up this splendour; for his Highness's dominions were +small, and so he wisely lived in a sort of awful retirement from them, +seldom showing his face in his capital, or seeing any countenances but +those of his faithful domestics and officers. His palace and gardens of +Ludwigslust were exactly on the French model. Twice a week there were +Court receptions, and grand Court galas twice a month. There was the +finest opera out of France, and a ballet unrivalled in splendour; +on which his Highness, a great lover of music and dancing, expended +prodigious sums. It may be because I was then young, but I think I never +saw such an assemblage of brilliant beauty as used to figure there on +the stage of the Court theatre, in the grand mythological ballets which +were then the mode, and in which you saw Mars in red-heeled pumps and +a periwig, and Venus in patches and a hoop. They say the costume was +incorrect, and have changed it since; but for my part, I have never +seen a Venus more lovely than the Coralie, who was the chief dancer, and +found no fault with the attendant nymphs, in their trains, and lappets, +and powder. These operas used to take place twice a week, after +which some great officer of the Court would have his evening, and his +brilliant supper, and the dice-box rattled everywhere, and all the world +played. I have seen seventy play-tables set out in the grand gallery +of Ludwigslust, besides the faro-bank; where the Duke himself would +graciously come and play, and win or lose with a truly royal splendour. + +It was hither we came after the Mannheim misfortune. The nobility of the +Court were pleased to say our reputation had preceded us, and the two +Irish gentleman were made welcome. The very first night at Court we lost +740 of our 800 louis; the next evening, at the Court Marshal's table, I +won them back, with 1300 more. You may be sure we allowed no one to know +how near we were to ruin on the first evening; but, on the contrary, +I endeared every one to me by my gay manner of losing, and the Finance +Minister himself cashed a note for 400 ducats, drawn by me upon my +steward of Ballybarry Castle in the kingdom of Ireland; which very note +I won from his Excellency the next day, along with a considerable sum in +ready cash. In that noble Court everybody was a gambler. You would see +the lacqueys in the ducal ante-rooms at work with their dirty packs of +cards; the coach and chair men playing in the court, while their masters +were punting in the saloons above; the very cook-maids and scullions, I +was told, had a bank, where one of them, an Italian confectioner, made +a handsome fortune: he purchased afterwards a Roman marquisate, and +his son has figured as one of the most fashionable of the illustrious +foreigners in London. The poor devils of soldiers played away their pay +when they got it, which was seldom; and I don't believe there was an +officer in any one of the guard regiments but had his cards in his +pouch, and no more forgot his dice than his sword-knot. Among such +fellows it was diamond cut diamond. What you call fair play would have +been a folly. The gentlemen of Ballybarry would have been fools indeed +to appear as pigeons in such a hawk's nest. None but men of courage and +genius could live and prosper in a society where every one was bold and +clever; and here my uncle and I held our own: ay, and more than our own. + +His Highness the Duke was a widower, or rather, since the death of the +reigning Duchess, had contracted a morganatic marriage with a lady +whom he had ennobled, and who considered it a compliment (such was the +morality of those days) to be called the Northern Dubarry. He had been +married very young, and his son, the Hereditary Prince, may be said to +have been the political sovereign of the State: for the reigning Duke +was fonder of pleasure than of politics, and loved to talk a great deal +more with his grand huntsman, or the director of his opera, than with +ministers and ambassadors. + +The Hereditary Prince, whom I shall call Prince Victor, was of a very +different character from his august father. He had made the Wars of the +Succession and Seven Years with great credit in the Empress's service, +was of a stern character, seldom appeared at Court, except when ceremony +called him, but lived almost alone in his wing of the palace, where he +devoted himself to the severest studies, being a great astronomer and +chemist. He shared in the rage then common throughout Europe, of hunting +for the philosopher's stone; and my uncle often regretted that he had no +smattering of chemistry, like Balsamo (who called himself Cagliostro), +St. Germain, and other individuals, who had obtained very great sums +from Duke Victor by aiding him in his search after the great secret. His +amusements were hunting and reviewing the troops; but for him, and if +his good-natured father had not had his aid, the army would have been +playing at cards all day, and so it was well that the prudent prince was +left to govern. + +Duke Victor was fifty years of age, and his princess, the Princess +Olivia, was scarce three-and-twenty. They had been married seven years, +and in the first years of their union the Princess had borne him a son +and a daughter. The stern morals and manners, the dark and ungainly +appearance, of the husband, were little likely to please the brilliant +and fascinating young woman, who had been educated in the south (she +was connected with the ducal house of S---), who had passed two years +at Paris under the guardianship of Mesdames the daughters of His Most +Christian Majesty, and who was the life and soul of the Court of X---, +the gayest of the gay, the idol of her august father-in-law, and, +indeed, of the whole Court. She was not beautiful, but charming; not +witty, but charming, too, in her conversation as in her person. She was +extravagant beyond all measure; so false, that you could not trust her; +but her very weaknesses were more winning than the virtues of other +women, her selfishness more delightful than others' generosity. I never +knew a woman whose faults made her so attractive. She used to ruin +people, and yet they all loved her. My old uncle has seen her cheating +at ombre, and let her win 400 louis without resisting in the least. Her +caprices with the officers and ladies of her household were ceaseless: +but they adored her. She was the only one of the reigning family whom +the people worshipped. She never went abroad but they followed her +carriage with shouts of acclamation: and, to be generous to them, she +would borrow the last penny from one of her poor maids of honour, +whom she would never pay. In the early days her husband was as much +fascinated by her as all the rest of the world was; but her caprices had +caused frightful outbreaks of temper on his part, and an estrangement +which, though interrupted by almost mad returns of love, was still +general. I speak of her Royal Highness with perfect candour and +admiration, although I might be pardoned for judging her more severely, +considering her opinion of myself. She said the elder Monsieur de +Balibari was a finished old gentleman, and the younger one had the +manners of a courier. The world has given a different opinion, and I can +afford to chronicle this almost single sentence against me. Besides, she +had a reason for her dislike to me, which you shall hear. + +Five years in the army, long experience of the world, had ere now +dispelled any of those romantic notions regarding love with which I +commenced life; and I had determined, as is proper with gentlemen (it +is only your low people who marry for mere affection), to consolidate my +fortunes by marriage. In the course of our peregrinations, my uncle +and I had made several attempts to carry this object into effect; but +numerous disappointments had occurred which are not worth mentioning +here, and had prevented me hitherto from making such a match as I +thought was worthy of a man of my birth, abilities, and personal +appearance. Ladies are not in the habit of running away on the +Continent, as is the custom in England (a custom whereby many +honourable gentlemen of my country have much benefited!); guardians, and +ceremonies, and difficulties of all kinds intervene; true love is not +allowed to have its course, and poor women cannot give away their honest +hearts to the gallant fellows who have won them. Now it was settlements +that were asked for; now it was my pedigree and title-deeds that were +not satisfactory: though I had a plan and rent-roll of the Ballybarry +estates, and the genealogy of the family up to King Brian Boru, or +Barry, most handsomely designed on paper; now it was a young lady who +was whisked off to a convent just as she was ready to fall into my arms; +on another occasion, when a rich widow of the Low Countries was about to +make me lord of a noble estate in Flanders, comes an order of the police +which drives me out of Brussels at an hour's notice, and consigns my +mourner to her chateau. But at X---I had an opportunity of playing a +great game: and had won it too, but for the dreadful catastrophe which +upset my fortune. + +In the household of the Hereditary Princess there was a lady nineteen +years of age, and possessor of the greatest fortune in the whole duchy. +The Countess Ida, such was her name, was daughter of a late Minister and +favourite of his Highness the Duke of X---and his Duchess, who had done +her the honour to be her sponsors at birth, and who, at the father's +death, had taken her under their august guardianship and protection. At +sixteen she was brought from her castle, where, up to that period, she +had been permitted to reside, and had been placed with the Princess +Olivia, as one of her Highness's maids of honour. + +The aunt of the Countess Ida, who presided over her house during her +minority, had foolishly allowed her to contract an attachment for her +cousin-german, a penniless sub-lieutenant in one of the Duke's foot +regiments, who had flattered himself to be able to carry off this rich +prize; and if he had not been a blundering silly idiot indeed, with the +advantage of seeing her constantly, of having no rival near him, and the +intimacy attendant upon close kinsmanship, might easily, by a private +marriage, have secured the young Countess and her possessions. But +he managed matters so foolishly, that he allowed her to leave her +retirement, to come to Court for a year, and take her place in the +Princess Olivia's household; and then what does my young gentleman do, +but appear at the Duke's levee one day, in his tarnished epaulet and +threadbare coat, and make an application in due form to his Highness, +as the young lady's guardian, for the hand of the richest heiress in his +dominions! + +The weakness of the good-natured Prince was such that, as the Countess +Ida herself was quite as eager for the match as her silly cousin, +his Highness might have been induced to allow the match, had not the +Princess Olivia been induced to interpose, and to procure from the +Duke a peremptory veto to the hopes of the young man. The cause of this +refusal was as yet unknown; no other suitor for the young lady's hand +was mentioned, and the lovers continued to correspond, hoping that time +might effect a change in his Highness's resolutions; when, of a sudden, +the lieutenant was drafted into one of the regiments which the Prince +was in the habit of selling to the great powers then at war (this +military commerce was a principal part of his Highness's and other +princes' revenues in those days), and their connection was thus abruptly +broken off. + +It was strange that the Princess Olivia should have taken this part +against a young lady who had been her favourite; for, at first, with +those romantic and sentimental notions which almost every woman has, she +had somewhat encouraged the Countess Ida and her penniless lover, but +now suddenly turned against them; and, from loving the Countess, as she +previously had done, pursued her with every manner of hatred which a +woman knows how to inflict: there was no end to the ingenuity of her +tortures, the venom of her tongue, the bitterness of her sarcasm and +scorn. When I first came to Court at X--, the young fellows there had +nicknamed the young lady the Dumme Grafinn, the stupid Countess. She +was generally silent, handsome, but pale, stolid-looking, and awkward; +taking no interest in the amusements of the place, and appearing in the +midst of the feasts as glum as the death's-head which, they say, the +Romans used to have at their tables. + +It was rumoured that a young gentleman of French extraction, the +Chevalier de Magny, equerry to the Hereditary Prince, and present at +Paris when the Princess Olivia was married to him by proxy there, was +the intended of the rich Countess Ida; but no official declaration +of the kind was yet made, and there were whispers of a dark intrigue: +which, subsequently, received frightful confirmation. + +This Chevalier de Magny was the grandson of an old general officer in +the Duke's service, the Baron de Magny. The Baron's father had quitted +France at the expulsion of Protestants after the revocation of the edict +of Nantes, and taken service in X--, where he died. The son succeeded +him, and, quite unlike most French gentlemen of birth whom I have known, +was a stern and cold Calvinist, rigid in the performance of his duty, +retiring in his manners, mingling little with the Court, and a close +friend and favourite of Duke Victor; whom he resembled in disposition. + +The Chevalier his grandson was a true Frenchman; he had been born in +France, where his father held a diplomatic appointment in the Duke's +service. He had mingled in the gay society of the most brilliant Court +in the world, and had endless stories to tell us of the pleasures of the +petites maisons, of the secrets of the Parc aux Cerfs, and of the wild +gaieties of Richelieu and his companions. He had been almost ruined at +play, as his father had been before him; for, out of the reach of the +stern old Baron in Germany, both son and grandson had led the most +reckless of lives. He came back from Paris soon after the embassy which +had been despatched thither on the occasion of the marriage of the +Princess, was received sternly by his old grandfather; who, however, +paid his debts once more, and procured him the post in the Duke's +household. The Chevalier de Magny rendered himself a great favourite +of his august master; he brought with him the modes and the gaieties +of Paris; he was the deviser of all the masquerades and balls, the +recruiter of the ballet-dancers, and by far the most brilliant and +splendid young gentleman of the Court. + +After we had been a few weeks at Ludwigslust, the old Baron de Magny +endeavoured to have us dismissed from the duchy; but his voice was not +strong enough to overcome that of the general public, and the Chevalier +de Magny especially stood our friend with his Highness when the question +was debated before him. The Chevalier's love of play had not deserted +him. He was a regular frequenter of our bank, where he played for some +time with pretty good luck; and where, when he began to lose, he paid +with a regularity surprising to all those who knew the smallness of his +means, and the splendour of his appearance. + +Her Highness the Princess Olivia was also very fond of play. On +half-a-dozen occasions when we held a bank at Court, I could see her +passion for the game. I could see--that is, my cool-headed old uncle +could see--much more. There was an intelligence between Monsieur de +Magny and this illustrious lady. 'If her Highness be not in love with +the little Frenchman,' my uncle said to me one night after play, 'may I +lose the sight of my last eye!' + +'And what then, sir?' said I. + +'What then?' said my uncle, looking me hard in the face. 'Are you so +green as not to know what then? Your fortune is to be made, if you +choose to back it now; and we may have back the Barry estates in two +years, my boy.' + +'How is that?' asked I, still at a loss. + +My uncle drily said, 'Get Magny to play; never mind his paying: take +his notes of hand. The more he owes the better; but, above all, make him +play.' + +'He can't pay a shilling,' answered I. 'The Jews will not discount his +notes at cent. per cent.' + +'So much the better. You shall see we will make use of them,' answered +the old gentleman. And I must confess that the plan he laid was a +gallant, clever, and fair one. + +I was to make Magny play; in this there was no great difficulty. We had +an intimacy together, for he was a good sportsman as well as myself, and +we came to have a pretty considerable friendship for one another; if he +saw a dice-box it was impossible to prevent him from handling it; but he +took to it as natural as a child does to sweetmeats. + +At first he won of me; then he began to lose; then I played him money +against some jewels that he brought: family trinkets, he said, and +indeed of considerable value. He begged me, however, not to dispose of +them in the duchy, and I gave and kept my word to him to this effect. +From jewels he got to playing upon promissory notes; and as they would +not allow him to play at the Court tables and in public upon credit, he +was very glad to have an opportunity of indulging his favourite passion +in private. I have had him for hours at my pavilion (which I had fitted +up in the Eastern manner, very splendid) rattling the dice till it +became time to go to his service at Court, and we would spend day after +day in this manner. He brought me more jewels,--a pearl necklace, +an antique emerald breast ornament, and other trinkets, as a set-off +against these losses: for I need not say that I should not have played +with him all this time had he been winning; but, after about a week, the +luck set in against him, and he became my debtor in a prodigious sum. I +do not care to mention the extent of it; it was such as I never thought +the young man could pay. + +Why, then, did I play for it? Why waste days in private play with a mere +bankrupt, when business seemingly much more profitable was to be done +elsewhere? My reason I boldly confess. I wanted to win from Monsieur de +Magny, not his money, but his intended wife, the Countess Ida. Who can +say that I had not a right to use ANY stratagem in this matter of love? +Or, why say love? I wanted the wealth of the lady: I loved her quite as +much as Magny did; I loved her quite as much as yonder blushing virgin +of seventeen does who marries an old lord of seventy. I followed the +practice of the world in this; having resolved that marriage should +achieve my fortune. + +I used to make Magny, after his losses, give me a friendly letter of +acknowledgment to some such effect as this,-- + +'MY DEAR MONSIEUR DE BALIBARI,--I acknowledge to have lost to you this +day at lansquenet [or picquet, or hazard, as the case may be: I was +master of him at any game that is played] the sum of three hundred +ducats, and shall hold it as a great kindness on your part if you will +allow the debt to stand over until a future day, when you shall receive +payment from your very grateful humble servant.' + +With the jewels he brought me I also took the precaution (but this was +my uncle's idea, and a very good one) to have a sort of invoice, and a +letter begging me to receive the trinkets as so much part payment of a +sum of money he owed me. + +When I had put him in such a position as I deemed favourable to my +intentions, I spoke to him candidly, and without any reserve, as one man +of the world should speak to another. 'I will not, my dear fellow,' said +I, 'pay you so bad a compliment as to suppose that you expect we are +to go on playing at this rate much longer, and that there is any +satisfaction to me in possessing more or less sheets of paper bearing +your signature, and a series of notes of hand which I know you never +can pay. Don't look fierce or angry, for you know Redmond Barry is your +master at the sword; besides, I would not be such a fool as to fight a +man who owes me so much money; but hear calmly what I have to propose. + +'You have been very confidential to me during our intimacy of the last +month; and I know all your personal affairs completely. You have given +your word of honour to your grandfather never to play upon parole, and +you know how you have kept it, and that he will disinherit you if he +hears the truth. Nay, suppose he dies to-morrow, his estate is not +sufficient to pay the sum in which you are indebted to me; and, were you +to yield me up all, you would be a beggar, and a bankrupt too. + +'Her Highness the Princess Olivia denies you nothing. I shall not ask +why; but give me leave to say, I was aware of the fact when we began to +play together.' + +'Will you be made baron-chamberlain, with the grand cordon of the +order?' gasped the poor fellow. 'The Princess can do anything with the +Duke.' + +'I shall have no objection,' said I, 'to the yellow riband and the gold +key; though a gentleman of the house of Ballybarry cares little for +the titles of the German nobility. But this is not what I want. My good +Chevalier, you have hid no secrets from me. You have told me with +what difficulty you have induced the Princess Olivia to consent to the +project of your union with the Grafinn Ida, whom you don't love. I know +whom you love very well.' + +'Monsieur de Balibari!' said the discomfited Chevalier; he could get out +no more. The truth began to dawn upon him. + +'You begin to understand,' continued I. 'Her Highness the Princess' (I +said this in a sarcastic way) 'will not be very angry, believe me, if +you break off your connection with the stupid Countess. I am no more an +admirer of that lady than you are; but I want her estate. I played you +for that estate, and have won it; and I will give you your bills and +five thousand ducats on the day I am married to it.' + +'The day _I_ am married to the Countess,' answered the Chevalier, +thinking to have me, 'I will be able to raise money to pay your claim +ten times over' (this was true, for the Countess's property may have +been valued at near half a million of our money); 'and then I will +discharge my obligations to you. Meanwhile, if you annoy me by threats, +or insult me again as you have done, I will use that influence, which, +as you say, I possess, and have you turned out of the duchy, as you were +out of the Netherlands last year.' + +I rang the bell quite quietly. 'Zamor,' said I to a tall negro fellow +habited like a Turk, that used to wait upon me, 'when you hear the bell +ring a second time, you will take this packet to the Marshal of the +Court, this to his Excellency the General de Magny, and this you +will place in the hands of one of the equerries of his Highness the +Hereditary Prince. Wait in the ante-room, and do not go with the parcels +until I ring again.' + +The black fellow having retired, I turned to Monsieur de Magny and said, +'Chevalier, the first packet contains a letter from you to me, declaring +your solvency, and solemnly promising payment of the sums you owe me; it +is accompanied by a document from myself (for I expected some resistance +on your part), stating that my honour has been called in question, +and begging that the paper may be laid before your august master his +Highness. The second packet is for your grandfather, enclosing the +letter from you in which you state yourself to be his heir, and begging +for a confirmation of the fact. The last parcel, for his Highness the +Hereditary Duke,' added I, looking most sternly, 'contains the Gustavus +Adolphus emerald, which he gave to his princess, and which you pledged +to me as a family jewel of your own. Your influence with her Highness +must be great indeed,' I concluded, 'when you could extort from her +such a jewel as that, and when you could make her, in order to pay your +play-debts, give up a secret upon which both your heads depend.' + +'Villain!' said the Frenchman, quite aghast with fury and terror, 'would +you implicate the Princess?' + +'Monsieur de Magny,' I answered, with a sneer, 'no: I will say YOU STOLE +the jewel.' It was my belief he did, and that the unhappy and infatuated +Princess was never privy to the theft until long after it had been +committed. How we came to know the history of the emerald is simple +enough. As we wanted money (for my occupation with Magny caused our bank +to be much neglected), my uncle had carried Magny's trinkets to Mannheim +to pawn. The Jew who lent upon them knew the history of the stone in +question; and when he asked how her Highness came to part with it, my +uncle very cleverly took up the story where he found it, said that the +Princess was very fond of play, that it was not always convenient to +her to pay, and hence the emerald had come into our hands. He brought it +wisely back with him to S--; and, as regards the other jewels which the +Chevalier pawned to us, they were of no particular mark: no inquiries +have ever been made about them to this day; and I did not only not know +then that they came from her Highness, but have only my conjectures upon +the matter now. + +The unfortunate young gentleman must have had a cowardly spirit, when I +charged him with the theft, not to make use of my two pistols that were +lying by chance before him, and to send out of the world his accuser and +his own ruined self. With such imprudence and miserable recklessness on +his part and that of the unhappy lady who had forgotten herself for this +poor villain, he must have known that discovery was inevitable. But it +was written that this dreadful destiny should be accomplished: instead +of ending like a man, he now cowered before me quite spirit-broken, and, +flinging himself down on the sofa, burst into tears, calling wildly upon +all the saints to help him: as if they could be interested in the fate +of such a wretch as he! + +I saw that I had nothing to fear from him; and, calling back Zamor my +black, said I would myself carry the parcels, which I returned to my +escritoire; and, my point being thus gained, I acted, as I always do, +generously towards him. I said that, for security's sake, I should send +the emerald out of the country, but that I pledged my honour to restore +it to the Duchess, without any pecuniary consideration, on the day when +she should procure the sovereign's consent to my union with the Countess +Ida. + +This will explain pretty clearly, I flatter myself, the game I was +playing; and, though some rigid moralist may object to its propriety, I +say that anything is fair in love, and that men so poor as myself can't +afford to be squeamish about their means of getting on in life. The +great and rich are welcomed, smiling, up the grand staircase of the +world; the poor but aspiring must clamber up the wall, or push and +struggle up the back stair, or, PARDI, crawl through any of the conduits +of the house, never mind how foul and narrow, that lead to the top. The +unambitious sluggard pretends that the eminence is not worth attaining, +declines altogether the struggle, and calls himself a philosopher. I say +he is a poor-spirited coward. What is life good for but for honour? and +that is so indispensable, that we should attain it anyhow. + +The manner to be adopted for Magny's retreat was proposed by myself, and +was arranged so as to consult the feelings of delicacy of both parties. +I made Magny take the Countess Ida aside, and say to her, 'Madam, though +I have never declared myself your admirer, you and the Court have had +sufficient proof of my regard for you; and my demand would, I know, have +been backed by his Highness, your august guardian. I know the Duke's +gracious wish is, that my attentions should be received favourably; but, +as time has not appeared to alter your attachment elsewhere, and as I +have too much spirit to force a lady of your name and rank to be united +to me against your will, the best plan is, that I should make you, for +form's sake, a proposal UNauthorised by his Highness: that you should +reply, as I am sorry to think your heart dictates to you, in the +negative: on which I also will formally withdraw from my pursuit of +you, stating that, after a refusal, nothing, not even the Duke's desire, +should induce me to persist in my suit.' + +The Countess Ida almost wept at hearing these words from Monsieur de +Magny, and tears came into her eyes, he said, as she took his hand for +the first time, and thanked him for the delicacy of the proposal. She +little knew that the Frenchman was incapable of that sort of delicacy, +and that the graceful manner in which he withdrew his addresses was of +my invention. + +As soon as he withdrew, it became my business to step forward; but +cautiously and gently, so as not to alarm the lady, and yet firmly, so +as to convince her of the hopelessness of her design of uniting herself +with her shabby lover, the sub-lieutenant. The Princess Olivia was good +enough to perform this necessary part of the plan in my favour, and +solemnly to warn the Countess Ida, that, though Monsieur de Magny had +retired from paying his addresses, his Highness her guardian would +still marry her as he thought fit, and that she must for ever forget her +out-at-elbowed adorer. In fact, I can't conceive how such a shabby rogue +as that could ever have had the audacity to propose for her: his birth +was certainly good; but what other qualifications had he? + +When the Chevalier de Magny withdrew, numbers of other suitors, you +may be sure, presented themselves; and amongst these your very humble +servant, the cadet of Ballybarry. There was a carrousel, or tournament, +held at this period, in imitation of the antique meetings of chivalry, +in which the chevaliers tilted at each other, or at the ring; and on +this occasion I was habited in a splendid Roman dress (viz., a silver +helmet, a flowing periwig, a cuirass of gilt leather richly embroidered, +a light blue velvet mantle, and crimson morocco half-boots): and in this +habit I rode my bay horse Brian, carried off three rings, and won +the prize over all the Duke's gentry, and the nobility of surrounding +countries who had come to the show. A wreath of gilded laurel was to +be the prize of the victor, and it was to be awarded by the lady he +selected. So I rode up to the gallery where the Countess Ida was seated +behind the Hereditary Princess, and, calling her name loudly, yet +gracefully, begged to be allowed to be crowned by her, and thus +proclaimed myself to the face of all Germany, as it were, her suitor. +She turned very pale, and the Princess red, I observed; but the Countess +Ida ended by crowning me: after which, putting spurs into my horse, I +galloped round the ring, saluting his Highness the Duke at the opposite +end, and performing the most wonderful exercises with my bay. + +My success did not, as you may imagine, increase my popularity with the +young gentry. They called me adventurer, bully, dice-loader, impostor, +and a hundred pretty names; but I had a way of silencing these gentry. +I took the Count de Schmetterling, the richest and bravest of the young +men who seemed to have a hankering for the Countess Ida, and publicly +insulted him at the ridotto; flinging my cards into his face. The next +day I rode thirty-five miles into the territory of the Elector of B----, +and met Monsieur de Schmetterling, and passed my sword twice through +his body; then rode back with my second, the Chevalier de Magny, and +presented myself at the Duchess's whist that evening. Magny was very +unwilling to accompany me at first; but I insisted upon his support, and +that he should countenance my quarrel. Directly after paying my homage +to her Highness, I went up to the Countess Ida, and made her a marked +and low obeisance, gazing at her steadily in the face until she grew +crimson red; and then staring round at every man who formed her circle, +until, MA FOI, I stared them all away. I instructed Magny to say, +everywhere, that the Countess was madly in love with me; which +commission, along with many others of mine, the poor devil was obliged +to perform. He made rather a SOTTE FIGURE, as the French say, acting the +pioneer for me, praising me everywhere, accompanying me always! he +who had been the pink of the MODE until my arrival; he who thought his +pedigree of beggarly Barons of Magny was superior to the race of great +Irish kings from which I descended; who had sneered at me a hundred +times as a spadassin, a deserter, and had called me a vulgar Irish +upstart. Now I had my revenge of the gentleman, and took it too. + +I used to call him, in the choicest societies, by his Christian name +of Maxime. I would say, 'Bon jour, Maxime; comment vas-TU?' in the +Princess's hearing, and could see him bite his lips for fury and +vexation. But I had him under my thumb, and her Highness too--I, poor +private of Bulow's regiment. And this is a proof of what genius and +perseverance can do, and should act as a warning to great people never +to have SECRETS--if they can help it. + +I knew the Princess hated me; but what did I care? She knew I knew all: +and indeed, I believe, so strong was her prejudice against me, that she +thought I was an indelicate villain, capable of betraying a lady, which +I would scorn to do; so that she trembled before me as a child before +its schoolmaster. She would, in her woman's way, too, make all sorts +of jokes and sneers at me on reception days; ask about my palace in +Ireland, and the kings my ancestors, and whether, when I was a private +in Bulow's foot, my royal relatives had interposed to rescue me, and +whether the cane was smartly administered there,--anything to mortify +me. But, Heaven bless you! I can make allowances for people, and used to +laugh in her face. Whilst her jibes and jeers were continuing, it was my +pleasure to look at poor Magny and see how HE bore them. The poor devil +was trembling lest I should break out under the Princess's sarcasm and +tell all; but my revenge was, when the Princess attacked me, to say +something bitter to HIM,--to pass it on, as boys do at school. And THAT +was the thing which used to make her Highness feel. She would wince just +as much when I attacked Magny as if I had been saying anything rude to +herself. And, though she hated me, she used to beg my pardon in private; +and though her pride would often get the better of her, yet her +prudence obliged this magnificent princess to humble herself to the poor +penniless Irish boy. + +As soon as Magny had formally withdrawn from the Countess Ida, the +Princess took the young lady into favour again, and pretended to be very +fond of her. To do them justice, I don't know which of the two disliked +me most,--the Princess, who was all eagerness, and fire, and coquetry; +or the Countess, who was all state and splendour. The latter, +especially, pretended to be disgusted by me: and yet, after all, I have +pleased her betters; was once one of the handsomest men in Europe, and +would defy any heyduc of the Court to measure a chest or a leg with me: +but I did not care for any of her silly prejudices, and determined +to win her and wear her in spite of herself. Was it on account of +her personal charms or qualities? No. She was quite white, thin, +short-sighted, tall, and awkward, and my taste is quite the contrary; +and as for her mind, no wonder that a poor creature who had a hankering +after a wretched ragged ensign could never appreciate ME. It was her +estate I made love to; as for herself, it would be a reflection on my +taste as a man of fashion to own that I liked her. + + + + +CHAPTER XI. IN WHICH THE LUCK GOES AGAINST BARRY + +My hopes of obtaining the hand of one of the richest heiresses in +Germany were now, as far as all human probability went, and as far as +my own merits and prudence could secure my fortune, pretty certain of +completion. I was admitted whenever I presented myself at the Princess's +apartments, and had as frequent opportunities as I desired of seeing +the Countess Ida there. I cannot say that she received me with any +particular favour; the silly young creature's affections were, as I have +said, engaged ignobly elsewhere; and, however captivating my own person +and manners may have been, it was not to be expected that she should all +of a sudden forget her lover for the sake of the young Irish gentleman +who was paying his addresses to her. But such little rebuffs as I got +were far from discouraging me. I had very powerful friends, who were to +aid me in my undertaking; and knew that, sooner or later, the victory +must be mine. In fact, I only waited my time to press my suit. Who +could tell the dreadful stroke of fortune which was impending over my +illustrious protectress, and which was to involve me partially in her +ruin? + +All things seemed for a while quite prosperous to my wishes; and in +spite of the Countess Ida's disinclination, it was much easier to +bring her to her senses than, perhaps, may be supposed in a silly +constitutional country like England, where people are not brought up +with those wholesome sentiments of obedience to Royalty which were +customary in Europe at the time when I was a young man. + +I have stated how, through Magny, I had the Princess, as it were, at my +feet. Her Highness had only to press the match upon the old Duke, over +whom her influence was unbounded, and to secure the goodwill of +the Countess of Liliengarten, (which was the romantic title of his +Highness's morganatic spouse), and the easy old man would give an +order for the marriage: which his ward would perforce obey. Madame de +Liliengarten was, too, from her position, extremely anxious to oblige +the Princess Olivia; who might be called upon any day to occupy the +throne. The old Duke was tottering, apoplectic, and exceedingly fond of +good living. When he was gone, his relict would find the patronage of +the Duchess Olivia most necessary to her. Hence there was a close +mutual understanding between the two ladies; and the world said that the +Hereditary Princess was already indebted to the favourite for help on +various occasions. Her Highness had obtained, through the Countess, +several large grants of money for the payment of her multifarious debts; +and she was now good enough to exert her gracious influence over Madame +de Liliengarten in order to obtain for me the object so near my +heart. It is not to be supposed that my end was to be obtained without +continual unwillingness and refusals on Magny's part; but I pushed +my point resolutely, and had means in my hands of overcoming the +stubbornness of that feeble young gentleman. Also, I may say, without +vanity, that if the high and mighty Princess detested me, the Countess +(though she was of extremely low origin, it is said) had better taste +and admired me. She often did us the honour to go partners with us in +one of our faro-banks, and declared that I was the handsomest man in the +duchy. All I was required to prove was my nobility, and I got at Vienna +such a pedigree as would satisfy the most greedy in that way. In fact, +what had a man descended from the Barrys and the Bradys to fear before +any VON in Germany? By way of making assurance doubly sure, I promised +Madame de Liliengarten ten thousand louis on the day of my marriage, and +she knew that as a play-man I had never failed in my word: and I vow, +that had I paid fifty per cent. for it, I would have got the money. + +Thus by my talents, honesty, and acuteness, I had, considering I was +a poor patronless outcast, raised for myself very powerful protectors. +Even his Highness the Duke Victor was favourably inclined to me; for, +his favourite charger falling ill of the staggers, I gave him a ball +such as my uncle Brady used to administer, and cured the horse; after +which his Highness was pleased to notice me frequently. He invited me +to his hunting and shooting parties, where I showed myself to be a good +sportsman; and once or twice he condescended to talk to me about my +prospects in life, lamenting that I had taken to gambling, and that I +had not adopted a more regular means of advancement. 'Sir,' said I, 'if +you will allow me to speak frankly to your Highness, play with me is +only a means to an end. Where should I have been without it? A private +still in King Frederick's grenadiers. I come of a race which gave +princes to my country; but persecutions have deprived them of their vast +possessions. My uncle's adherence to his ancient faith drove him from +our country. I too resolved to seek advancement in the military service; +but the insolence and ill-treatment which I received at the hands of +the English were not bearable by a high-born gentleman, and I fled their +service. It was only to fall into another bondage to all appearance +still more hopeless; when my good star sent a preserver to me in my +uncle, and my spirit and gallantry enabled me to take advantage of the +means of escape afforded me. Since then we have lived, I do not disguise +it, by play; but who can say I have done him a wrong? Yet, if I could +find myself in an honourable post, and with an assured maintenance, I +would never, except for amusement, such as every gentleman must have, +touch a card again. I beseech your Highness to inquire of your resident +at Berlin if I did not on every occasion act as a gallant soldier. I +feel that I have talents of a higher order, and should be proud to have +occasion to exert them; if, as I do not doubt, my fortune shall bring +them into play.' + +The candour of this statement struck his Highness greatly, and impressed +him in my favour, and he was pleased to say that he believed me, and +would be glad to stand my friend. + +Having thus the two Dukes, the Duchess, and the reigning favourite +enlisted on my side, the chances certainly were that I should carry off +the great prize; and I ought, according to all common calculations, to +have been a Prince of the Empire at this present writing, but that +my ill luck pursued me in a matter in which I was not the least to +blame,--the unhappy Duchess's attachment to the weak, silly, cowardly +Frenchman. The display of this love was painful to witness, as its end +was frightful to think of. The Princess made no disguise of it. If +Magny spoke a word to a lady of her household, she would be jealous, and +attack with all the fury of her tongue the unlucky offender. She would +send him a half-dozen of notes in the day: at his arrival to join her +circle or the courts which she held, she would brighten up, so that all +might perceive. It was a wonder that her husband had not long ere this +been made aware of her faithlessness; but the Prince Victor was himself +of so high and stern a nature that he could not believe in her stooping +so far from her rank as to forget her virtue: and I have heard say, +that when hints were given to him of the evident partiality which the +Princess showed for the equerry, his answer was a stern command never +more to be troubled on the subject. 'The Princess is light-minded,' he +said; 'she was brought up at a frivolous Court; but her folly goes not +beyond coquetry: crime is impossible; she has her birth, and my name, +and her children, to defend her.' And he would ride off to his +military inspections and be absent for weeks, or retire to his suite of +apartments, and remain closeted there whole days; only appearing to +make a bow at her Highness's LEVEE, or to give her his hand at the Court +galas, where ceremony required that he should appear. He was a man of +vulgar tastes, and I have seen him in the private garden, with his great +ungainly figure, running races, or playing at ball with his little son +and daughter, whom he would find a dozen pretexts daily for visiting. +The serene children were brought to their mother every morning at +her toilette; but she received them very indifferently: except on one +occasion, when the young Duke Ludwig got his little uniform as colonel +of hussars, being presented with a regiment by his godfather the Emperor +Leopold. Then, for a day or two, the Duchess Olivia was charmed with +the little boy; but she grew tired of him speedily, as a child does of +a toy. I remember one day, in the morning circle, some of the Princess's +rouge came off on the arm of her son's little white military jacket; on +which she slapped the poor child's face, and sent him sobbing away. Oh, +the woes that have been worked by women in this world! the misery into +which men have lightly stepped with smiling faces; often not even with +the excuse of passion, but from mere foppery, vanity, and bravado! Men +play with these dreadful two-edged tools, as if no harm could come to +them. I, who have seen more of life than most men, if I had a son, would +go on my knees to him and beg him to avoid woman, who is worse than +poison. Once intrigue, and your whole life is endangered: you never know +when the evil may fall upon you; and the woe of whole families, and the +ruin of innocent people perfectly dear to you, may be caused by a moment +of your folly. + +When I saw how entirely lost the unlucky Monsieur de Magny seemed to be, +in spite of all the claims I had against him, I urged him to fly. He had +rooms in the palace, in the garrets over the Princess's quarters +(the building was a huge one, and accommodated almost a city of noble +retainers of the family); but the infatuated young fool would not +budge, although he had not even the excuse of love for staying. 'How +she squints,' he would say of the Princess, 'and how crooked she is! She +thinks no one can perceive her deformity. She writes me verses out of +Gresset or Crebillon, and fancies I believe them to be original. Bah! +they are no more her own than her hair is!' It was in this way that the +wretched lad was dancing over the ruin that was yawning under him. I do +believe that his chief pleasure in making love to the Princess was, that +he might write about his victories to his friends of the PETITES MAISONS +at Paris, where he longed to be considered as a wit and a VAINQUEUR DE +DAMES. + +Seeing the young man's recklessness, and the danger of his position, +I became very anxious that MY little scheme should be brought to a +satisfactory end, and pressed him warmly on the matter. + +My solicitations with him were, I need not say, from the nature of the +connection between us, generally pretty successful; and, in fact, the +poor fellow could REFUSE ME NOTHING: as I used often laughingly to say +to him, very little to his liking. But I used more than threats, or the +legitimate influence I had over him. I used delicacy and generosity; +as a proof of which, I may mention that I promised to give back to the +Princess the family emerald, which I mentioned in the last chapter that +I had won from her unprincipled admirer at play. + +This was done by my uncle's consent, and was one of the usual acts of +prudence and foresight which distinguish that clever man. "Press the +matter now, Redmond my boy," he would urge. "This affair between her +Highness and Magny must end ill for both of them, and that soon; and +where will be your chance to win the Countess then? Now is your time! +win her and wear her before the month is over, and we will give up the +punting business, and go live like noblemen at our castle in Swabia. Get +rid of that emerald, too," he added: "should an accident happen, it will +be an ugly deposit found in our hand." This it was that made me agree to +forego the possession of the trinket; which, I must confess, I was +loth to part with. It was lucky for us both that I did: as you shall +presently hear. + +Meanwhile, then, I urged Magny: I myself spoke strongly to the Countess +of Liliengarten, who promised formally to back my claim with his +Highness the reigning Duke; and Monsieur de Magny was instructed to +induce the Princess Olivia to make a similar application to the old +sovereign in my behalf. It was done. The two ladies urged the Prince; +his Highness (at a supper of oysters and champagne) was brought to +consent, and her Highness the Hereditary Princess did me the honour of +notifying personally to the Countess Ida that it was the Prince's will +that she should marry the young Irish nobleman, the Chevalier Redmond de +Balibari. The notification was made in my presence; and though the young +Countess said 'Never!' and fell down in a swoon at her lady's feet, I +was, you may be sure, entirely unconcerned at this little display of +mawkish sensibility, and felt, indeed, now that my prize was secure. + +That evening I gave the Chevalier de Magny the emerald, which he +promised to restore to the Princess; and now the only difficulty in my +way lay with the Hereditary Prince, of whom his father, his wife, and +the favourite, were alike afraid. He might not be disposed to allow the +richest heiress in his duchy to be carried off by a noble, though not +a wealthy foreigner. Time was necessary in order to break the matter to +Prince Victor. The Princess must find him at some moment of good-humour. +He had days of infatuation still, when he could refuse his wife nothing; +and our plan was to wait for one of these, or for any other chance which +might occur. + +But it was destined that the Princess should never see her husband at +her feet, as often as he had been. Fate was preparing a terrible ending +to her follies, and my own hope. In spite of his solemn promises to me, +Magny never restored the emerald to the Princess Olivia. + +He had heard, in casual intercourse with me, that my uncle and I had +been beholden to Mr. Moses Lowe, the banker of Heidelberg, who had given +us a good price for our valuables; and the infatuated young man took +a pretext to go thither, and offered the jewel for pawn. Moses Lowe +recognised the emerald at once, gave Magny the sum the latter demanded, +which the Chevalier lost presently at play: never, you may be sure, +acquainting us with the means by which he had made himself master of so +much capital. We, for our parts, supposed that he had been supplied by +his usual banker, the Princess: and many rouleaux of his gold pieces +found their way into our treasury, when at the Court galas, at our own +lodgings, or at the apartments of Madame de Liliengarten (who on these +occasions did us the honour to go halves with us) we held our bank of +faro. + +Thus Magny's money was very soon gone. But though the Jew held his +jewel, of thrice the value no doubt of the sums he had lent upon it, +that was not all the profit which he intended to have from his unhappy +creditor; over whom he began speedily to exercise his authority. His +Hebrew connections at X--, money-brokers, bankers, horse-dealers, about +the Court there, must have told their Heidelberg brother what Magny's +relations with the Princess were; and the rascal determined to take +advantage of these, and to press to the utmost both victims. My +uncle and I were, meanwhile, swimming upon the high tide of fortune, +prospering with our cards, and with the still greater matrimonial game +which we were playing; and we were quite unaware of the mine under our +feet. + +Before a month was passed, the Jew began to pester Magny. He presented +himself at X--, and asked for further interest-hush-money; otherwise +he must sell the emerald. Magny got money for him; the Princess again +befriended her dastardly lover. The success of the first demand only +rendered the second more exorbitant. I know not how much money was +extorted and paid on this unluckly emerald: but it was the cause of the +ruin of us all. + +One night we were keeping our table as usual at the Countess of +Liliengarten's, and Magny being in cash somehow, kept drawing out +rouleau after rouleau, and playing with his common ill success. In +the middle of the play a note was brought into him, which he read, and +turned very pale on perusing; but the luck was against him, and looking +up rather anxiously at the clock, he waited for a few more turns of the +cards, when having, I suppose, lost his last rouleau, he got up with a +wild oath that scared some of the polite company assembled, and left +the room. A great trampling of horses was heard without; but we were +too much engaged with our business to heed the noise, and continued our +play. + +Presently some one came into the play-room and said to the Countess, +'Here is a strange story! A Jew has been murdered in the Kaiserwald. +Magny was arrested when he went out of the room.' All the party broke +up on hearing this strange news, and we shut up our bank for the night. +Magny had been sitting by me during the play (my uncle dealt and I paid +and took the money), and, looking under the chair, there was a crumpled +paper, which I took up and read. It was that which had been delivered to +him, and ran thus:--'If you have done it, take the orderly's horse who +brings this. It is the best of my stable. There are a hundred louis in +each holster, and the pistols are loaded. Either course lies open to +you if you know what I mean. In a quarter of an hour I shall know our +fate--whether I am to be dishonoured and survive you, whether you are +guilty and a coward, or whether you are still worthy of the name of + + 'M.' + +This was in the handwriting of the old General de Magny; and my uncle +and I, as we walked home at night, having made and divided with the +Countess Liliengarten no inconsiderable profits that night, felt our +triumphs greatly dashed by the perusal of the letter. 'Has Magny,' we +asked, 'robbed the Jew, or has his intrigue been discovered?' In either +case, my claims on the Countess Ida were likely to meet with serious +drawbacks: and I began to feel that my 'great card' was played and +perhaps lost. + +Well, it WAS lost: though I say, to this day, it was well and gallantly +played. After supper (which we never for fear of consequences took +during play) I became so agitated in my mind as to what was occurring +that I determined to sally out about midnight into the town, and inquire +what was the real motive of Magny's apprehension. A sentry was at the +door, and signified to me that I and my uncle were under arrest. + +We were left in our quarters for six weeks, so closely watched that +escape was impossible, had we desired it; but, as innocent men, we had +nothing to fear. Our course of life was open to all, and we desired and +courted inquiry. Great and tragical events happened during those six +weeks; of which, though we heard the outline, as all Europe did, when we +were released from our captivity, we were yet far from understanding all +the particulars, which were not much known to me for many years after. +Here they are, as they were told me by the lady, who of all the world +perhaps was most likely to know them. But the narrative had best form +the contents of another chapter. + + + + +CHAPTER XII. TRAGICAL HISTORY OF PRINCESS OF X---- + +More than twenty years after the events described in the past chapters, +I was walking with my Lady Lyndon in the Rotunda at Ranelagh. It was in +the year 1790; the emigration from France had already commenced, the +old counts and marquises were thronging to our shores: not starving and +miserable, as one saw them a few years afterwards, but unmolested as +yet, and bringing with them some token of their national splendour. +I was walking with Lady Lyndon, who, proverbially jealous and always +anxious to annoy me, spied out a foreign lady who was evidently +remarking me, and of course asked who was the hideous fat Dutchwoman who +was leering at me so? I knew her not in the least. I felt I had seen the +lady's face somewhere (it was now, as my wife said, enormously fat and +bloated); but I did not recognise in the bearer of that face one who had +been among the most beautiful women in Germany in her day. + +It was no other than Madame de Liliengarten, the mistress, or as some +said the morganatic wife, of the old Duke of X----, Duke Victor's +father. She had left X----a few months after the elder Duke's demise, +had gone to Paris, as I heard, where some unprincipled adventurer +had married her for her money; but, however, had always retained her +quasi-royal title, and pretended, amidst the great laughter of the +Parisians who frequented her house, to the honours and ceremonial of a +sovereign's widow. She had a throne erected in her state-room, and was +styled by her servants and those who wished to pay court to her, +or borrow money from her, 'Altesse.' Report said she drank rather +copiously--certainly her face bore every mark of that habit, and +had lost the rosy, frank, good-humoured beauty which had charmed the +sovereign who had ennobled her. + +Although she did not address me in the circle at Ranelagh, I was at this +period as well known as the Prince of Wales, and she had no difficulty +in finding my house in Berkeley Square; whither a note was next morning +despatched to me. 'An old friend of Monsieur de Balibari,' it stated +(in extremely bad French), 'is anxious to see the Chevalier again and +to talk over old happy times. Rosina de Liliengarten (can it be that +Redmond Balibari has forgotten her?) will be at her house in Leicester +Fields all the morning, looking for one who would never have passed her +by TWENTY YEARS ago.' + +Rosina of Liliengarten it was indeed--such a full-blown Rosina I have +seldom seen. I found her in a decent first-floor in Leicester Fields +(the poor soul fell much lower afterwards) drinking tea, which had +somehow a very strong smell of brandy in it; and after salutations, +which would be more tedious to recount than they were to perform, and +after further straggling conversation, she gave me briefly the +following narrative of the events in X----, which I may well entitle the +'Princess's Tragedy.' + +'You remember Monsieur de Geldern, the Police Minister. He was of Dutch +extraction, and, what is more, of a family of Dutch Jews. Although +everybody was aware of this blot in his scutcheon, he was mortally angry +if ever his origin was suspected; and made up for his fathers' errors +by outrageous professions of religion, and the most austere practices +of devotion. He visited church every morning, confessed once a week, and +hated Jews and Protestants as much as an inquisitor could do. He never +lost an opportunity of proving his sincerity, by persecuting one or the +other whenever occasion fell in his way. + +'He hated the Princess mortally; for her Highness in some whim had +insulted him with his origin, caused pork to be removed from before him +at table, or injured him in some such silly way; and he had a violent +animosity to the old Baron de Magny, both in his capacity of Protestant, +and because the latter in some haughty mood had publicly turned his back +upon him as a sharper and a spy. Perpetual quarrels were taking place +between them in council; where it was only the presence of his +august masters that restrained the Baron from publicly and frequently +expressing the contempt which he felt for the officer of police. + +'Thus Geldern had hatred as one reason for ruining the Princess, and it +is my belief he had a stronger motive still--interest. You remember whom +the Duke married, after the death of his first wife?--a princess of the +house of F----. Geldern built his fine palace two years after, and, as I +feel convinced, with the money which was paid to him by the F----family +for forwarding the match. + +'To go to Prince Victor, and report to his Highness a case which +everybody knew, was not by any means Geldern's desire. He knew the man +would be ruined for ever in the Prince's estimation who carried him +intelligence so disastrous. His aim, therefore, was to leave the matter +to explain itself to his Highness; and, when the time was ripe, he cast +about for a means of carrying his point. He had spies in the houses of +the elder and younger Magny; but this you know, of course, from your +experience of Continental customs. We had all spies over each other. +Your black (Zamor, I think, was his name) used to give me reports every +morning; and I used to entertain the dear old Duke with stories of you +and your uncle practising picquet and dice in the morning, and with your +quarrels and intrigues. We levied similar contributions on everybody +in X----, to amuse the dear old man. Monsieur de Magny's valet used to +report both to me and Monsieur de Geldern. + +'I knew of the fact of the emerald being in pawn; and it was out of my +exchequer that the poor Princess drew the funds which were spent upon +the odious Lowe, and the still more worthless young Chevalier. How the +Princess could trust the latter as she persisted in doing, is beyond my +comprehension; but there is no infatuation like that of a woman in +love: and you will remark, my dear Monsieur de Balibari, that our sex +generally fix upon a bad man.' + +'Not always, madam,' I interposed; 'your humble servant has created many +such attachments.' + +'I do not see that that affects the truth of the proposition,' said +the old lady drily, and continued her narrative. 'The Jew who held the +emerald had had many dealings with the Princess, and at last was offered +a bribe of such magnitude, that he determined to give up the pledge. He +committed the inconceivable imprudence of bringing the emerald with him +to X----, and waited on Magny, who was provided by the Princess with +money to redeem the pledge, and was actually ready to pay it.' + +'Their interview took place in Magny's own apartments, when his valet +overheard every word of their conversation. The young man, who was +always utterly careless of money when it was in his possession, was +so easy in offering it, that Lowe rose in his demands, and had the +conscience to ask double the sum for which he had previously stipulated. + +'At this the Chevalier lost all patience, fell on the wretch and was for +killing him; when the opportune valet rushed in and saved him. The man +had heard every word of the conversation between the disputants, and +the Jew ran flying with terror into his arms; and Magny, a quick and +passionate, but not a violent man, bade the servant lead the villain +downstairs, and thought no more of him. + +'Perhaps he was not sorry to be rid of him, and to have in his +possession a large sum of money, four thousand ducats, with which he +could tempt fortune once more; as you know he did at your table that +night.' + +'Your ladyship went halves, madam,' said I; 'and you know how little I +was the better for my winnings.' + +'The man conducted the trembling Israelite out of the palace, and no +sooner had seen him lodged at the house of one of his brethren, where +he was accustomed to put up, than he went away to the office of his +Excellency the Minister of Police, and narrated every word of the +conversation which had taken place between the Jew and his master. + +'Geldern expressed the greatest satisfaction at his spy's prudence and +fidelity. He gave him a purse of twenty ducats, and promised to provide +for him handsomely: as great men do sometimes promise to reward their +instruments; but you, Monsieur de Balibari, know how seldom those +promises are kept. "Now, go and find out," said Monsieur de Geldern, +"at what time the Israelite proposes to return home again, or whether he +will repent and take the money." The man went on this errand. Meanwhile, +to make matters sure, Geldern arranged a play-party at my house, +inviting you thither with your bank, as you may remember; and finding +means, at the same time, to let Maxime de Magny know that there was +to be faro at Madame de Liliengarten's. It was an invitation the poor +fellow never neglected.' + +I remembered the facts, and listened on, amazed at the artifice of the +infernal Minister of Police. + +'The spy came back from his message to Lowe, and stated that he had made +inquiries among the servants of the house where the Heidelberg banker +lodged, and that it was the latter's intention to leave X----that +afternoon. He travelled by himself, riding an old horse, exceedingly +humbly attired, after the manner of his people. + +'"Johann," said the Minister, clapping the pleased spy upon the +shoulder, "I am more and more pleased with you. I have been thinking, +since you left me, of your intelligence, and the faithful manner in +which you have served me; and shall soon find an occasion to place you +according to your merits. Which way does this Israelitish scoundrel +take?" + +'"He goes to R----to-night." + +'"And must pass by the Kaiserwald. Are you a man of courage, Johann +Kerner?" + +'"Will your Excellency try me?" said the man, his eyes glittering: "I +served through the Seven Years' War, and was never known to fail there." + +'"Now, listen. The emerald must be taken from that Jew: in the very +keeping it the scoundrel has committed high treason. To the man who +brings me that emerald I swear I will give five hundred louis. You +understand why it is necessary that it should be restored to her +Highness. I need say no more." + +'"You shall have it to-night, sir," said the man. "Of course your +Excellency will hold me harmless in case of accident." + +'"Psha!" answered the Minister; "I will pay you half the money +beforehand; such is my confidence in you. Accident's impossible if you +take your measures properly. There are four leagues of wood; the Jew +rides slowly. It will be night before he can reach, let us say, the +old Powder-Mill in the wood. What's to prevent you from putting a +rope across the road, and dealing with him there? Be back with me +this evening at supper. If you meet any of the patrol, say 'foxes are +loose,'--that's the word for to-night. They will let you pass them +without questions." + +'The man went off quite charmed with his commission; and when Magny was +losing his money at our faro-table, his servant waylaid the Jew at the +spot named the Powder-Mill, in the Kaiserwald. The Jew's horse stumbled +over a rope which had been placed across the road; and, as the rider +fell groaning to the ground, Johann Kerner rushed out on him, masked, +and pistol in hand, and demanded his money. He had no wish to kill the +Jew, I believe, unless his resistance should render extreme measures +necessary. + +'Nor did he commit any such murder; for, as the yelling Jew roared for +mercy, and his assailant menaced him with a pistol, a squad of patrol +came up, and laid hold of the robber and the wounded man. + +'Kerner swore an oath. "You have come too soon," said he to the sergeant +of the police. "FOXES ARE LOOSE." "Some are caught," said the sergeant, +quite unconcerned; and bound the fellow's hands with the rope which he +had stretched across the road to entrap the Jew. He was placed behind +a policeman on a horse; Lowe was similarly accommodated, and the +party thus came back into the town as the night fell. 'They were taken +forthwith to the police quarter; and, as the chief happened to be there, +they were examined by his Excellency in person. Both were rigorously +searched; the Jew's papers and cases taken from him: the jewel was +found in a private pocket. As for the spy, the Minister, looking at him +angrily, said, "Why, this is the servant of the Chevalier de Magny, one +of her Highness's equerries!" and without hearing a word in exculpation +from the poor frightened wretch, ordered him into close confinement. + +'Calling for his horse, he then rode to the Prince's apartments at the +palace, and asked for an instant audience. When admitted, he produced +the emerald. "This jewel," said he, "has been found on the person of a +Heidelberg Jew, who has been here repeatedly of late, and has had many +dealings with her Highness's equerry, the Chevalier de Magny. This +afternoon the Chevalier's servant came from his master's lodgings, +accompanied by the Hebrew; was heard to make inquiries as to the route +the man intended to take on his way homewards; followed him, or preceded +him rather, and was found in the act of rifling his victim by my police +in the Kaiserwald. The man will confess nothing; but, on being searched, +a large sum in gold was found on his person; and though it is with the +utmost pain that I can bring myself to entertain such an opinion, and to +implicate a gentleman of the character and name of Monsieur de Magny, +I do submit that our duty is to have the Chevalier examined relative to +the affair. As Monsieur de Magny is in her Highness's private service, +and in her confidence I have heard, I would not venture to apprehend him +without your Highness's permission." + +'The Prince's Master of the Horse, a friend of the old Baron de +Magny, who was present at the interview, no sooner heard the strange +intelligence than he hastened away to the old general with the dreadful +news of his grandson's supposed crime. Perhaps his Highness himself +was not unwilling that his old friend and tutor in arms should have the +chance of saving his family from disgrace; at all events, Monsieur de +Hengst, the Master of the Horse, was permitted to go off to the Baron +undisturbed, and break to him the intelligence of the accusation pending +over the unfortunate Chevalier. + +'It is possible that he expected some such dreadful catastrophe, for, +after hearing Hengst's narrative (as the latter afterwards told me), he +only said, "Heaven's will be done!" for some time refused to stir a +step in the matter, and then only by the solicitation of his friend +was induced to write the letter which Maxime de Magny received at our +play-table. + +'Whilst he was there, squandering the Princess's money, a police visit +was paid to his apartments, and a hundred proofs, not of his guilt with +respect to the robbery, but of his guilty connection with the Princess, +were discovered there,--tokens of her giving, passionate letters +from her, copies of his own correspondence to his young friends at +Paris,--all of which the Police Minister perused, and carefully put +together under seal for his Highness, Prince Victor. I have no doubt he +perused them, for, on delivering them to the Hereditary Prince, Geldern +said that, IN OBEDIENCE TO HIS HIGHNESS'S ORDERS, he had collected +the Chevalier's papers; but he need not say that, on his honour, he +(Geldern) himself had never examined the documents. His difference with +Messieurs de Magny was known; he begged his Highness to employ any other +official person in the judgment of the accusation brought against the +young Chevalier. + +'All these things were going on while the Chevalier was at play. A run +of luck--you had great luck in those days, Monsieur de Balibari--was +against him. He stayed and lost his 4000 ducats. He received his uncle's +note, and such was the infatuation of the wretched gambler, that, on +receipt of it, he went down to the courtyard, where the horse was in +waiting, absolutely took the money which the poor old gentleman had +placed in the saddle-holsters, brought it upstairs, played it, and lost +it; and when he issued from the room to fly, it was too late: he +was placed in arrest at the bottom of my staircase, as you were upon +entering your own home. + +'Even when he came in under the charge of the soldiery sent to arrest +him, the old General, who was waiting, was overjoyed to see him, and +flung himself into the lad's arms, and embraced him: it was said, +for the first time in many years. "He is here, gentlemen," he sobbed +out,--"thank God he is not guilty of the robbery!" and then sank back in +a chair in a burst of emotion; painful, it was said by those present, +to witness on the part of a man so brave, and known to be so cold and +stern. + +'"Robbery!" said the young man. "I swear before Heaven I am guilty of +none!" and a scene of almost touching reconciliation passed between +them, before the unhappy young man was led from the guard-house into the +prison which he was destined never to quit. + +'That night the Duke looked over the papers which Geldern had brought to +him. It was at a very early stage of the perusal, no doubt, that he gave +orders for your arrest; for you were taken at midnight, Magny at ten +o'clock; after which time the old Baron de Magny had seen his Highness, +protesting of his grandson's innocence, and the Prince had received him +most graciously and kindly. His Highness said he had no doubt the +young man was innocent; his birth and his blood rendered such a crime +impossible; but suspicion was too strong against him: he was known to +have been that day closeted with the Jew; to have received a very large +sum of money which he squandered at play, and of which the Hebrew had, +doubtless, been the lender,--to have despatched his servant after him, +who inquired the hour of the Jew's departure, lay in wait for him, and +rifled him. Suspicion was so strong against the Chevalier, that common +justice required his arrest; and, meanwhile, until he cleared himself, +he should be kept in not dishonourable durance, and every regard had +for his name, and the services of his honourable grandfather. With +this assurance, and with a warm grasp of the hand, the Prince left old +General de Magny that night; and the veteran retired to rest almost +consoled, and confident in Maxime's eventual and immediate release. + +'But in the morning, before daybreak, the Prince, who had been reading +papers all night, wildly called to the page, who slept in the next +room across the door, bade him get horses, which were always kept in +readiness in the stables, and, flinging a parcel of letters into a +box, told the page to follow him on horseback with these. The young man +(Monsieur de Weissenborn) told this to a young lady who was then of my +household, and who is now Madame de Weissenborn, and a mother of a score +of children. + +'The page described that never was such a change seen as in his august +master in the course of that single night. His eyes were bloodshot, his +face livid, his clothes were hanging loose about him, and he who +had always made his appearance on parade as precisely dressed as any +sergeant of his troops, might have been seen galloping through the +lonely streets at early dawn without a hat, his unpowdered hair +streaming behind him like a madman. + +'The page, with the box of papers, clattered after his master,--it was +no easy task to follow him; and they rode from the palace to the town, +and through it to the General's quarter. The sentinels at the door were +scared at the strange figure that rushed up to the General's gate, and, +not knowing him, crossed bayonets, and refused him admission. "Fools," +said Weissenborn, "it is the Prince!" And, jangling at the bell as if +for an alarm of fire, the door was at length opened by the porter, and +his Highness ran up to the Generals bedchamber, followed by the page +with the box. + +'"Magny--Magny," roared the Prince, thundering at the closed door, "get +up!" And to the queries of the old man from within, answered, "It is +I--Victor--the Prince!--get up!" And presently the door was opened by +the General in his ROBE-DE-CHAMBRE, and the Prince entered. The page +brought in the box, and was bidden to wait without, which he did; but +there led from Monsieur de Magny's bedroom into his antechamber two +doors, the great one which formed the entrance into his room, and a +smaller one which led, as the fashion is with our houses abroad, into +the closet which communicates with the alcove where the bed is. The door +of this was found by M. de Weissenborn to be open, and the young man +was thus enabled to hear and see everything which occurred within the +apartment. + +'The General, somewhat nervously, asked what was the reason of so early +a visit from his Highness; to which the Prince did not for a while +reply, farther than by staring at him rather wildly, and pacing up and +down the room. + +'At last he said, "Here is the cause!" dashing his fist on the box; and, +as he had forgotten to bring the key with him, he went to the door for a +moment, saying, "Weissenborn perhaps has it;" but seeing over the stove +one of the General's couteaux de chasse, he took it down, and said, +"That will do," and fell to work to burst the red trunk open with the +blade of the forest knife. The point broke, and he gave an oath, but +continued haggling on with the broken blade, which was better suited +to his purpose than the long pointed knife, and finally succeeded in +wrenching open the lid of the chest. + +'"What is the matter?" said he, laughing. "Here's the matter;--read +that!--here's more matter, read that!--here's more--no, not that; that's +somebody else's picture--but here's hers! Do you know that, Magny? My +wife's--the Princess's! Why did you and your cursed race ever come out +of France, to plant your infernal wickedness wherever your feet fell, +and to ruin honest German homes? What have you and yours ever had from +my family but confidence and kindness? We gave you a home when you +had none, and here's our reward!" and he flung a parcel of papers down +before the old General; who saw the truth at once;--he had known it long +before, probably, and sank down on his chair, covering his face. + +'The Prince went on gesticulating, and shrieking almost. "If a man +injured you so, Magny, before you begot the father of that gambling +lying villain yonder, you would have known how to revenge yourself. You +would have killed him! Yes, would have killed him. But who's to help +me to my revenge? I've no equal. I can't meet that dog of a +Frenchman,--that pimp from Versailles,--and kill him, as if he had +played the traitor to one of his own degree." + +'"The blood of Maxime de Magny," said the old gentleman proudly, "is as +good as that of any prince in Christendom." + +'"Can I take it?" cried the Prince; "you know I can't. I can't have the +privilege of any other gentleman in Europe. What am I to do? Look here, +Magny: I was wild when I came here; I didn't know what to do. You've +served me for thirty years; you've saved my life twice: they are all +knaves and harlots about my poor old father here--no honest men or +women--you are the only one--you saved my life; tell me what am I to +do?" Thus from insulting Monsieur de Magny, the poor distracted Prince +fell to supplicating him; and, at last, fairly flung himself down, and +burst out in an agony of tears. + +'Old Magny, one of the most rigid and cold of men on common occasions, +when he saw this outbreak of passion on the Prince's part, became, as my +informant has described to me, as much affected as his master. The +old man from being cold and high, suddenly fell, as it were, into +the whimpering querulousness of extreme old age. He lost all sense of +dignity; he went down on his knees, and broke out into all sorts of wild +incoherent attempts at consolation; so much so, that Weissenborn said he +could not bear to look at the scene, and actually turned away from the +contemplation of it. + +'But, from what followed in a few days, we may guess the results of the +long interview. The Prince, when he came away from the conversation with +his old servant, forgot his fatal box of papers and sent the page back +for them. The General was on his knees praying in the room when the +young man entered, and only stirred and looked wildly round as the other +removed the packet. The Prince rode away to his hunting-lodge at three +leagues from X----, and three days after that Maxime de Magny died in +prison; having made a confession that he was engaged in an attempt to +rob the Jew, and that he had made away with himself, ashamed of his +dishonour. + +'But it is not known that it was the General himself who took his +grandson poison: it was said even that he shot him in the prison. This, +however, was not the case. General de Magny carried his grandson the +draught which was to carry him out of the world; represented to the +wretched youth that his fate was inevitable; that it would be public and +disgraceful unless he chose to anticipate the punishment, and so left +him. But IT WAS NOT OF HIS OWN ACCORD, and not until he had used EVERY +means of escape, as you shall hear, that the unfortunate being's life +was brought to an end. + +'As for General de Magny, he quite fell into imbecility a short time +after his grandson's death, and my honoured Duke's demise. After his +Highness the Prince married the Princess Mary of F----, as they were +walking in the English park together they once met old Magny riding in +the sun in the easy chair, in which he was carried commonly abroad +after his paralytic fits. "This is my wife, Magny," said the Prince +affectionately, taking the veteran's hand; and he added, turning to his +Princess, "General de Magny saved my life during the Seven Years' War." + +'"What, you've taken her back again?" said the old man. "I wish you'd +send me back my poor Maxime." He had quite forgotten the death of the +poor Princess Olivia, and the Prince, looking very dark indeed, passed +away. + +'And now,' said Madame de Liliengarten, 'I have only one more gloomy +story to relate to you--the death of the Princess Olivia. It is even +more horrible than the tale I have just told you.' With which preface +the old lady resumed her narrative. + +'The kind weak Princess's fate was hastened, if not occasioned, by the +cowardice of Magny. He found means to communicate with her from his +prison, and her Highness, who was not in open disgrace yet (for the +Duke, out of regard to the family, persisted in charging Magny with only +robbery), made the most desperate efforts to relieve him, and to bribe +the gaolers to effect his escape. She was so wild that she lost all +patience and prudence in the conduct of any schemes she may have had +for Magny's liberation; for her husband was inexorable, and caused the +Chevalier's prison to be too strictly guarded for escape to be possible. +She offered the State jewels in pawn to the Court banker; who of course +was obliged to decline the transaction. She fell down on her knees, it +is said, to Geldern, the Police Minister, and offered him Heaven knows +what as a bribe. Finally, she came screaming to my poor dear Duke, who, +with his age, diseases, and easy habits, was quite unfit for scenes of +so violent a nature; and who, in consequence of the excitement created +in his august bosom by her frantic violence and grief, had a fit +in which I very nigh lost him. That his dear life was brought to an +untimely end by these transactions I have not the slightest doubt; for +the Strasbourg pie, of which they said he died, never, I am sure, +could have injured him, but for the injury which his dear gentle heart +received from the unusual occurrences in which he was forced to take a +share. + +'All her Highness's movements were carefully, though not ostensibly, +watched by her husband, Prince Victor; who, waiting upon his august +father, sternly signified to him that if his Highness (MY Duke) should +dare to aid the Princess in her efforts to release Magny, he, Prince +Victor, would publicly accuse the Princess and her paramour of high +treason, and take measures with the Diet for removing his father from +the throne, as incapacitated to reign. Hence interposition on our part +was vain, and Magny was left to his fate. + +'It came, as you are aware, very suddenly. Geldern, Police Minister, +Hengst, Master of the Horse, and the colonel of the Prince's guard, +waited upon the young man in his prison two days after his grandfather +had visited him there and left behind him the phial of poison which the +criminal had not the courage to use. And Geldern signified to the young +man that unless he took of his own accord the laurelwater provided by +the elder Magny, more violent means of death would be instantly employed +upon him, and that a file of grenadiers was in waiting in the +courtyard to despatch him. Seeing this, Magny, with the most dreadful +self-abasement, after dragging himself round the room on his knees +from one officer to another, weeping and screaming with terror, at last +desperately drank off the potion, and was a corpse in a few minutes. +Thus ended this wretched young man. + +'His death was made public in the COURT GAZETTE two days after, the +paragraph stating that Monsieur de M----, struck with remorse for having +attempted the murder of the Jew, had put himself to death by poison in +prison; and a warning was added to all young noblemen of the duchy to +avoid the dreadful sin of gambling, which had been the cause of the +young man's ruin, and had brought upon the grey hairs of one of the +noblest and most honourable of the servants of the Duke irretrievable +sorrow. + +'The funeral was conducted with decent privacy, the General de Magny +attending it. The carriages of the two Dukes and all the first people +of the Court made their calls upon the General afterwards. He attended +parade as usual the next day on the Arsenal-Place, and Duke Victor, who +had been inspecting the building, came out of it leaning on the brave +old warrior's arm. He was particularly gracious to the old man, and +told his officers the oft-repeated story how at Rosbach, when the +X----contingent served with the troops of the unlucky Soubise, the +General had thrown himself in the way of a French dragoon, who was +pressing hard upon his Highness in the rout, had received the blow +intended for his master, and killed the assailant. And he alluded to +the family motto of "Magny sans tache," and said, "It had been always +so with his gallant friend and tutor in arms." This speech affected all +present very much; with the exception of the old General, who only bowed +and did not speak: but when he went home he was heard muttering "Magny +sans tache, Magny sans tache!" and was attacked with paralysis that +night, from which he never more than partially recovered. + +'The news of Maxime's death had somehow been kept from the Princess +until now: a GAZETTE even being printed without the paragraph containing +the account of his suicide; but it was at length, I know not how, made +known to her. And when she heard it, her ladies tell me, she screamed +and fell, as if struck dead; then sat up wildly and raved like a +madwoman, and was then carried to her bed, where her physician attended +her, and where she lay of a brain-fever. All this while the Prince used +to send to make inquiries concerning her; and from his giving orders +that his Castle of Schlangenfels should be prepared and furnished, I +make no doubt it was his intention to send her into confinement thither: +as had been done with the unhappy sister of His Britannic Majesty at +Zell. + +'She sent repeatedly to demand an interview with his Highness; which the +latter declined, saying that he would communicate with her Highness when +her health was sufficiently recovered. To one of her passionate letters +he sent back for reply a packet, which, when opened, was found to +contain the emerald that had been the cause round which all this dark +intrigue moved. + +'Her Highness at this time became quite frantic; vowed in the presence +of all her ladies that one lock of her darling Maxime's hair was more +precious to her than all the jewels in the world: rang for her carriage, +and said she would go and kiss his tomb; proclaimed the murdered +martyr's innocence, and called down the punishment of Heaven, the wrath +of her family, upon his assassin. The Prince, on hearing these speeches +(they were all, of course, regularly brought to him), is said to have +given one of his dreadful looks (which I remember now), and to have +said, "This cannot last much longer." + +'All that day and the next the Princess Olivia passed in dictating +the most passionate letters to the Prince her father, to the Kings of +France, Naples, and Spain, her kinsmen, and to all other branches of her +family, calling upon them in the most incoherent terms to protect her +against the butcher and assassin her husband, assailing his person in +the maddest terms of reproach, and at the same time confessing her +love for the murdered Magny. It was in vain that those ladies who were +faithful to her pointed out to her the inutility of these letters, the +dangerous folly of the confessions which they made; she insisted +upon writing them, and used to give them to her second robe-woman, a +Frenchwoman (her Highness always affectioned persons of that nation), +who had the key of her cassette, and carried every one of these epistles +to Geldern. + +'With the exception that no public receptions were held, the ceremony of +the Princess's establishment went on as before. Her ladies were allowed +to wait upon her and perform their usual duties about her person. +The only men admitted were, however, her servants, her physician and +chaplain; and one day when she wished to go into the garden, a heyduc, +who kept the door, intimated to her Highness that the Prince's orders +were that she should keep her apartments. + +'They abut, as you remember, upon the landing of the marble staircase +of Schloss X----; the entrance to Prince Victor's suite of rooms being +opposite the Princess's on the same landing. This space is large, filled +with sofas and benches, and the gentlemen and officers who waited upon +the Duke used to make a sort of antechamber of the landing-place, and +pay their court to his Highness there, as he passed out, at eleven +o'clock, to parade. At such a time, the heyducs within the Princess's +suite of rooms used to turn out with their halberts and present to +Prince Victor--the same ceremony being performed on his own side, when +pages came out and announced the approach of his Highness. The pages +used to come out and say, "The Prince, gentlemen!" and the drums beat in +the hall, and the gentlemen rose, who were waiting on the benches that +ran along the balustrade. + +'As if fate impelled her to her death, one day the Princess, as her +guards turned out, and she was aware that the Prince was standing, as +was his wont, on the landing, conversing with his gentlemen (in the +old days he used to cross to the Princess's apartment and kiss her +hand)--the Princess, who had been anxious all the morning, complaining +of heat, insisting that all the doors of the apartments should be left +open; and giving tokens of an insanity which I think was now evident, +rushed wildly at the doors when the guards passed out, flung them open, +and before a word could be said, or her ladies could follow her, was +in presence of Duke Victor, who was talking as usual on the landing: +placing herself between him and the stair, she began apostrophising him +with frantic vehemence:-- + +'"Take notice, gentlemen!" she screamed out, "that this man is a +murderer and a liar; that he lays plots for honourable gentlemen, and +kills them in prison! Take notice, that I too am in prison, and fear the +same fate: the same butcher who killed Maxime de Magny, may, any night, +put the knife to my throat. I appeal to you, and to all the kings of +Europe, my Royal kinsmen. I demand to be set free from this tyrant +and villain, this liar and traitor! I adjure you all, as gentlemen of +honour, to carry these letters to my relatives, and say from whom you +had them!" and with this the unhappy lady began scattering letters about +among the astonished crowd. + +'"LET NO MAN STOOP!" cried the Prince, in a voice of thunder. "Madame de +Gleim, you should have watched your patient better. Call the Princess's +physicians: her Highness's brain is affected. Gentlemen, have the +goodness to retire." And the Prince stood on the landing as the +gentlemen went down the stairs, saying fiercely to the guard, "Soldier, +if she moves, strike with your halbert!" on which the man brought the +point of his weapon to the Princess's breast; and the lady, frightened, +shrank back and re-entered her apartments. "Now, Monsieur de +Weissenborn," said the Prince, "pick up all those papers;" and the +Prince went into his own apartments, preceded by his pages, and never +quitted them until he had seen every one of the papers burnt. + +'The next day the COURT GAZETTE contained a bulletin signed by the three +physicians, stating that "her Highness the Hereditary Princess laboured +under inflammation of the brain, and had passed a restless and disturbed +night." Similar notices were issued day after day. The services of all +her ladies, except two, were dispensed with. Guards were placed within +and without her doors; her windows were secured, so that escape from +them was impossible: and you know what took place ten days after. The +church-bells were ringing all night, and the prayers of the faithful +asked for a person IN EXTREMIS. A GAZETTE appeared in the morning, edged +with black, and stating that the high and mighty Princess Olivia +Maria Ferdinanda, consort of His Serene Highness Victor Louis Emanuel, +Hereditary Prince of X----, had died in the evening of the 24th of +January 1769. + +'But do you know HOW she died, sir? That, too, is a mystery. +Weissenborn, the page, was concerned in this dark tragedy; and the +secret was so dreadful, that never, believe me, till Prince Victor's +death, did I reveal it. + +'After the fatal ESCLANDRE which the Princess had made, the Prince +sent for Weissenborn, and binding him by the most solemn adjuration to +secrecy (he only broke it to his wife many years after: indeed, there is +no secret in the world that women cannot know if they will), despatched +him on the following mysterious commission. + +'"There lives," said his Highness, "on the Kehl side of the river, +opposite to Strasbourg, a man whose residence you will easily find +out from his name, which is MONSIEUR DE STRASBOURG. You will make your +inquiries concerning him quietly, and without occasioning any remark; +perhaps you had better go into Strasbourg for the purpose, where the +person is quite well known. You will take with you any comrade on whom +you can perfectly rely: the lives of both, remember, depend on your +secrecy. You will find out some period when MONSIEUR DE STRASBOURG is +alone, or only in company of the domestic who lives with him (I myself +visited the man by accident on my return from Paris five years since, +and hence am induced to send for him now, in my present emergency). You +will have your carriage waiting at his door at night; and you and your +comrade will enter his house masked; and present him with a purse of +a hundred louis; promising him double that sum on his return from his +expedition. If he refuse, you must use force and bring him; menacing him +with instant death should he decline to follow you. You will place him +in the carriage with the blinds drawn, one or other of you never +losing sight of him the whole way, and threatening him with death if he +discover himself or cry out. You will lodge him in the old Tower here, +where a room shall be prepared for him; and his work being done, you +will restore him to his home with the same speed and secrecy with which +you brought him from it." + +'Such were the mysterious orders Prince Victor gave his page; and +Weissenborn, selecting for his comrade in the expedition Lieutenant +Bartenstein, set out on his strange journey. + +'All this while the palace was hushed, as if in mourning, the bulletins +in the COURT GAZETTE appeared, announcing the continuance of the +Princess's malady; and though she had but few attendants, strange +and circumstantial stories were told regarding the progress of her +complaint. She was quite wild. She had tried to kill herself. She +had fancied herself to be I don't know how many different characters. +Expresses were sent to her family informing them of her state, and +couriers despatched PUBLICLY to Vienna and Paris to procure the +attendance of physicians skilled in treating diseases of the brain. +That pretended anxiety was all a feint: it was never intended that the +Princess should recover. + +'The day on which Weissenborn and Bartenstein returned from their +expedition, it was announced that her Highness the Princess was much +worse; that night the report through the town was that she was at the +agony: and that night the unfortunate creature was endeavouring to make +her escape. + +'She had unlimited confidence in the French chamber-woman who attended +her, and between her and this woman the plan of escape was arranged. The +Princess took her jewels in a casket; a private door, opening from +one of her rooms and leading into the outer gate, it was said, of +the palace, was discovered for her: and a letter was brought to her, +purporting to be from the Duke, her father-in-law, and stating that a +carriage and horses had been provided, and would take her to B----: the +territory where she might communicate with her family and be safe. + +'The unhappy lady, confiding in her guardian, set out on the expedition. +The passages wound through the walls of the modern part of the palace +and abutted in effect at the old Owl Tower, as it was called, on the +outer wall: the tower was pulled down afterwards, and for good reason. + +'At a certain place the candle, which the chamberwoman was carrying, +went out; and the Princess would have screamed with terror, but her hand +was seized, and a voice cried "Hush!" The next minute a man in a +mask (it was the Duke himself) rushed forward, gagged her with a +handkerchief, her hands and legs were bound, and she was carried +swooning with terror into a vaulted room, where she was placed by a +person there waiting, and tied in an arm-chair. The same mask who had +gagged her, came and bared her neck and said, "It had best be done now +she has fainted." + +'Perhaps it would have been as well; for though she recovered from her +swoon, and her confessor, who was present, came forward and endeavoured +to prepare her for the awful deed which was about to be done upon her, +and for the state into which she was about to enter, when she came to +herself it was only to scream like a maniac, to curse the Duke as a +butcher and tyrant, and to call upon Magny, her dear Magny. + +'At this the Duke said, quite calmly, "May God have mercy on her sinful +soul!" He, the confessor, and Geldern, who were present, went down on +their knees; and, as his Highness dropped his handkerchief, Weissenborn +fell down in a fainting fit; while MONSIEUR DE STRASBOURG, taking the +back hair in his hand, separated the shrieking head of Olivia from the +miserable sinful body. May Heaven have mercy upon her soul!' + +***** + +This was the story told by Madame de Liliengarten, and the reader will +have no difficulty in drawing from it that part which affected myself +and my uncle; who, after six weeks of arrest, were set at liberty, but +with orders to quit the duchy immediately: indeed, with an escort of +dragoons to conduct us to the frontier. What property we had, we were +allowed to sell and realise in money; but none of our play debts were +paid to us: and all my hopes of the Countess Ida were thus at an end. + +When Duke Victor came to the throne, which he did when, six months +after, apoplexy carried off the old sovereign his father, all the good +old usages of X----were given up,--play forbidden; the opera and ballet +sent to the right-about; and the regiments which the old Duke had +sold recalled from their foreign service: with them came my Countess's +beggarly cousin the ensign, and he married her. I don't know whether +they were happy or not. It is certain that a woman of such a poor spirit +did not merit any very high degree of pleasure. + +The now reigning Duke of X----himself married four years after his first +wife's demise, and Geldern, though no longer Police Minister, built the +grand house of which Madame de Liliengarten spoke. What became of +the minor actors in the great tragedy, who knows? Only MONSIEUR DE +STRASBOURG was restored to his duties. Of the rest--the Jew, the +chamber-woman, the spy on Magny--I know nothing. Those sharp tools with +which great people cut out their enterprises are generally broken in the +using: nor did I ever hear that their employers had much regard for them +in their ruin. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII. I CONTINUE MY CAREER AS A MAN OF FASHION + +I find I have already filled up many scores of pages, and yet a vast +deal of the most interesting portion of my history remains to be told, +viz. that which describes my sojourn in the kingdoms of England and +Ireland, and the great part I played there; moving among the most +illustrious of the land, myself not the least distinguished of the +brilliant circle. In order to give due justice to this portion of my +Memoirs, then,--which is more important than my foreign adventures can +be (though I could fill volumes with interesting descriptions of the +latter),--I shall cut short the account of my travels in Europe, and of +my success at the Continental Courts, in order to speak of what befell +me at home. Suffice it to say that there is not a capital in Europe, +except the beggarly one of Berlin, where the young Chevalier de Balibari +was not known and admired; and where he has not made the brave, the +high-born, and the beautiful talk of him. I won 80,000 roubles from +Potemkin at the Winter Palace at Petersburg, which the scoundrelly +favourite never paid me; I have had the honour of seeing his Royal +Highness the Chevalier Charles Edward as drunk as any porter at Rome; +my uncle played several matches at billiards against the celebrated Lord +C----at Spa, and I promise you did not come off a loser. In fact, by a +neat stratagem of ours, we raised the laugh against his Lordship, and +something a great deal more substantial. My Lord did not know that the +Chevalier Barry had a useless eye; and when, one day, my uncle playfully +bet him odds at billiards that he would play him with a patch over +one eye, the noble lord, thinking to bite us (he was one of the most +desperate gamblers that ever lived), accepted the bet, and we won a very +considerable amount of him. + +Nor need I mention my successes among the fairer portion of the +creation. One of the most accomplished, the tallest, the most athletic, +and the handsomest gentlemen of Europe, as I was then, a young fellow +of my figure could not fail of having advantages, which a person of my +spirit knew very well how to use. But upon these subjects I am dumb. +Charming Schuvaloff, black-eyed Sczotarska, dark Valdez, tender +Hegenheim, brilliant Langeac!--ye gentle hearts that knew how to beat in +old times for the warm young Irish gentleman, where are you now? Though +my hair has grown grey now, and my sight dim, and my heart cold with +years, and ennui, and disappointment, and the treachery of friends, +yet I have but to lean back in my arm-chair and think, and those sweet +figures come rising up before me out of the past, with their smiles, and +their kindnesses, and their bright tender eyes! There are no women like +them now--no manners like theirs! Look you at a bevy of women at the +Prince's, stitched up in tight white satin sacks, with their waists +under their arms, and compare them to the graceful figures of the old +time! Why, when I danced with Coralie de Langeac at the fetes on the +birth of the first Dauphin at Versailles, her hoop was eighteen feet +in circumference, and the heels of her lovely little mules were three +inches from the ground; the lace of my jabot was worth a thousand +crowns, and the buttons of my amaranth velvet coat alone cost eighty +thousand livres. Look at the difference now! The gentlemen are dressed +like boxers, Quakers, or hackney-coachmen; and the ladies are not +dressed at all. There is no elegance, no refinement; none of the +chivalry of the old world, of which I form a portion. Think of the +fashion of London being led by a Br-mm-l! [Footnote: This manuscript +must have been written at the time when Mr. Brummel was the leader of +the London fashion.] a nobody's son: a low creature, who can no more +dance a minuet than I can talk Cherokee; who cannot even crack a bottle +like a gentleman; who never showed himself to be a man with his sword in +his hand: as we used to approve ourselves in the good old times, before +that vulgar Corsican upset the gentry of the world! Oh, to see the +Valdez once again, as on that day I met her first driving in state, +with her eight mules and her retinue of gentlemen, by the side of yellow +Mancanares! Oh, for another drive with Hegenheim, in the gilded sledge, +over the Saxon snow! False as Schuvaloff was, 'twas better to be jilted +by her than to be adored by any other woman. I can't think of any one +of them without tenderness. I have ringlets of all their hair in my poor +little museum of recollections. Do you keep mine, you dear souls that +survive the turmoils and troubles of near half a hundred years? How +changed its colour is now, since the day Sczotarska wore it round her +neck, after my duel with Count Bjernaski, at Warsaw. + +I never kept any beggarly books of accounts in those days. I had no +debts. I paid royally for everything I took; and I took everything +I wanted. My income must have been very large. My entertainments and +equipages were those of a gentleman of the highest distinction; nor let +any scoundrel presume to sneer because I carried off and married my Lady +Lyndon (as you shall presently hear), and call me an adventurer, or say +I was penniless, or the match unequal. Penniless! I had the wealth +of Europe at my command. Adventurer! So is a meritorious lawyer or +a gallant soldier; so is every man who makes his own fortune an +adventurer. My profession was play: in which I was then unrivalled. No +man could play with me through Europe, on the square; and my income was +just as certain (during health and the exercise of my profession) as +that of a man who draws on his Three-per-cents., or any fat squire whose +acres bring him revenue. Harvest is not more certain than the effect of +skill is: a crop is a chance, as much as a game of cards greatly played +by a fine player: there may be a drought, or a frost, or a hail-storm, +and your stake is lost; but one man is just as much an adventurer as +another. + +In evoking the recollection of these kind and fair creatures I have +nothing but pleasure. I would I could say as much of the memory of +another lady, who will henceforth play a considerable part in the drama +of my life,--I mean the Countess of Lyndon; whose fatal acquaintance I +made at Spa, very soon after the events described in the last chapter +had caused me to quit Germany. + +Honoria, Countess of Lyndon, Viscountess Bullingdon in England, Baroness +Castle Lyndon of the kingdom of Ireland, was so well known to the great +world in her day, that I have little need to enter into her family +history; which is to be had in any peerage that the reader may lay +his hand on. She was, as I need not say, a countess, viscountess, and +baroness in her own right. Her estates in Devon and Cornwall were +among the most extensive in those parts; her Irish possessions not less +magnificent; and they have been alluded to, in a very early part of +these Memoirs, as lying near to my own paternal property in the kingdom +of Ireland: indeed, unjust confiscations in the time of Elizabeth and +her father went to diminish my acres, while they added to the already +vast possessions of the Lyndon family. + +The Countess, when I first saw her at the assembly at Spa, was the wife +of her cousin, the Right Honourable Sir Charles Reginald Lyndon, Knight +of the Bath, and Minister to George II. and George III. at several of +the smaller Courts of Europe. Sir Charles Lyndon was celebrated as a wit +and bon vivant: he could write love-verses against Hanbury Williams, and +make jokes with George Selwyn; he was a man of vertu like Harry Walpole, +with whom and Mr. Grey he had made a part of the grand tour; and was +cited, in a word, as one of the most elegant and accomplished men of his +time. + +I made this gentleman's acquaintance as usual at the play-table, of +which he was a constant frequenter. Indeed, one could not but admire the +spirit and gallantry with which he pursued his favourite pastime; for, +though worn out by gout and a myriad of diseases, a cripple wheeled +about in a chair, and suffering pangs of agony, yet you would see him +every morning and every evening at his post behind the delightful green +cloth: and if, as it would often happen, his own hands were too feeble +or inflamed to hold the box, he would call the mains, nevertheless, +and have his valet or a friend to throw for him. I like this courageous +spirit in a man; the greatest successes in life have been won by such +indomitable perseverance. + +I was by this time one of the best-known characters in Europe; and the +fame of my exploits, my duels, my courage at play, would bring crowds +around me in any public society where I appeared. I could show reams of +scented paper, to prove that this eagerness to make my acquaintance was +not confined to the gentlemen only; but that I hate boasting, and +only talk of myself in so far as it is necessary to relate myself's +adventures: the most singular of any man's in Europe. Well, Sir Charles +Lyndon's first acquaintance with me originated in the right honourable +knight's winning 700 pieces of me at picquet (for which he was almost my +match); and I lost them with much good-humour, and paid them: and paid +them, you may be sure, punctually. Indeed, I will say this for myself, +that losing money at play never in the least put me out of good-humour +with the winner, and that wherever I found a superior, I was always +ready to acknowledge and hail him. + +Lyndon was very proud of winning from so celebrated a person, and we +contracted a kind of intimacy; which, however, did not for a while go +beyond pump-room attentions, and conversations over the supper-table at +play: but which gradually increased, until I was admitted into his more +private friendship. He was a very free-spoken man (the gentry of those +days were much prouder than at present), and used to say to me in his +haughty easy way, 'Hang it, Mr. Barry, you have no more manners than a +barber, and I think my black footman has been better educated than you; +but you are a young fellow of originality and pluck, and I like you, +sir, because you seem determined to go to the deuce by a way of your +own.' I would thank him laughingly for this compliment, and say, that +as he was bound to the next world much sooner than I was, I would be +obliged to him to get comfortable quarters arranged there for me. He +used also to be immensely amused with my stories about the splendour of +my family and the magnificence of Castle Brady: he would never tire of +listening or laughing at those histories. + +'Stick to the trumps, however, my lad,' he would say, when I told him of +my misfortunes in the conjugal line, and how near I had been winning the +greatest fortune in Germany. 'Do anything but marry, my artless Irish +rustic' (he called me by a multiplicity of queer names). 'Cultivate your +great talents in the gambling line; but mind this, that a woman will +beat you.' + +That I denied; mentioning several instances in which I had conquered the +most intractable tempers among the sex. + +'They will beat you in the long run, my Tipperary Alcibiades. As soon +as you are married, take my word of it, you are conquered. Look at me. I +married my cousin, the noblest and greatest heiress in England--married +her in spite of herself almost' (here a dark shade passed over Sir +Charles Lyndon's countenance). 'She is a weak woman. You shall see her, +sir, HOW weak she is; but she is my mistress. She has embittered my +whole life. She is a fool; but she has got the better of one of the best +heads in Christendom. She is enormously rich; but somehow I have never +been so poor as since I married her. I thought to better myself; and +she has made me miserable and killed me. And she will do as much for my +successor, when I am gone.' + +'Has her Ladyship a very large income?' said I. At which Sir Charles +burst out into a yelling laugh, and made me blush not a little at my +gaucherie; for the fact is, seeing him in the condition in which he was, +I could not help speculating upon the chance a man of spirit might have +with his widow. + +'No, no!' said he, laughing. 'Waugh hawk, Mr. Barry; don't think, if +you value your peace of mind, to stand in my shoes when they are vacant. +Besides, I don't think my Lady Lyndon would QUITE condescend to marry +a'---- + +'Marry a what, sir?' said I, in a rage. + +"Never mind what: but the man who gets her will rue it, take my word +on't. A plague on her! had it not been for my father's ambition and mine +(he was her uncle and guardian, and we wouldn't let such a prize out of +the family), I might have died peaceably, at least; carried my gout down +to my grave in quiet, lived in my modest tenement in Mayfair, had every +house in England open to me; and now, now I have six of my own, and +every one of them is a hell to me. Beware of greatness, Mr. Barry. Take +warning by me. Ever since I have been married and have been rich, I have +been the most miserable wretch in the world. Look at me. I am dying a +worn-out cripple at the age of fifty. Marriage has added forty years to +my life. When I took off Lady Lyndon, there was no man of my years +who looked so young as myself. Fool that I was! I had enough with my +pensions, perfect freedom, the best society in Europe; and I gave up +all these, and married, and was miserable. Take a warning by me, Captain +Barry, and stick to the trumps." + +Though my intimacy with the knight was considerable, for a long time I +never penetrated into any other apartments of his hotel but those which +he himself occupied. His lady lived entirely apart from him; and it +is only curious how they came to travel together at all. She was a +goddaughter of old Mary Wortley Montagu: and, like that famous old woman +of the last century, made considerable pretensions to be a blue-stocking +and a bel esprit. Lady Lyndon wrote poems in English and Italian, which +still may be read by the curious in the pages of the magazines of the +day. She entertained a correspondence with several of the European +savans upon history, science, and ancient languages, and especially +theology. Her pleasure was to dispute controversial points with abbes +and bishops; and her flatterers said she rivalled Madam Dacier in +learning. Every adventurer who had a discovery in chemistry, a new +antique bust, or a plan for discovering the philosopher's stone, was +sure to find a patroness in her. She had numberless works dedicated to +her, and sonnets without end addressed to her by all the poetasters of +Europe, under the name of Lindonira or Calista. Her rooms were crowded +with hideous China magots, and all sorts of objects of VERTU. + +No woman piqued herself more upon her principles, or allowed love to be +made to her more profusely. There was a habit of courtship practised +by the fine gentlemen of those days, which is little understood in our +coarse downright times: and young and old fellows would pour out floods +of compliments in letters and madrigals, such as would make a sober lady +stare were they addressed to her nowadays: so entirely has the gallantry +of the last century disappeared out of our manners. + +Lady Lyndon moved about with a little court of her own. She had +half-a-dozen carriages in her progresses. In her own she would travel +with her companion (some shabby lady of quality), her birds, and +poodles, and the favourite savant for the time being. In another would +be her female secretary and her waiting-women; who, in spite of their +care, never could make their mistress look much better than a slattern. +Sir Charles Lyndon had his own chariot, and the domestics of the +establishment would follow in other vehicles. + +Also must be mentioned the carriage in which rode her Ladyship's +chaplain, Mr. Runt, who acted in capacity of governor to her son, the +little Viscount Bullingdon,--a melancholy deserted little boy, about +whom his father was more than indifferent, and whom his mother never +saw, except for two minutes at her levee, when she would put to him a +few questions of history or Latin grammar; after which he was consigned +to his own amusements, or the care of his governor, for the rest of the +day. + +The notion of such a Minerva as this, whom I saw in the public places +now and then, surrounded by swarms of needy abbes and schoolmasters, +who flattered her, frightened me for some time, and I had not the +least desire to make her acquaintance. I had no desire to be one of the +beggarly adorers in the great lady's train,--fellows, half friend, half +lacquey, who made verses, and wrote letters, and ran errands, content to +be paid by a seat in her Ladyship's box at the comedy, or a cover at her +dinner-table at noon. 'Don't be afraid,' Sir Charles Lyndon would +say, whose great subject of conversation and abuse was his lady: 'my +Lindonira will have nothing to do with you. She likes the Tuscan brogue, +not that of Kerry. She says you smell too much of the stable to be +admitted to ladies' society; and last Sunday fortnight, when she did me +the honour to speak to me last, said, "I wonder, Sir Charles Lyndon, +a gentleman who has been the King's ambassador can demean himself by +gambling and boozing with low Irish blacklegs!" Don't fly in a fury! I'm +a cripple, and it was Lindonira said it, not I.' + +This piqued me, and I resolved to become acquainted with Lady Lyndon; +if it were but to show her Ladyship that the descendant of those Barrys, +whose property she unjustly held, was not an unworthy companion for any +lady, were she ever so high. Besides, my friend the knight was dying: +his widow would be the richest prize in the three kingdoms. Why should I +not win her, and, with her, the means of making in the world that figure +which my genius and inclination desired? I felt I was equal in blood +and breeding to any Lyndon in Christendom, and determined to bend this +haughty lady. When I determine, I look upon the thing as done. + +My uncle and I talked the matter over, and speedily settled upon a +method for making our approaches upon this stately lady of Castle +Lyndon. Mr. Runt, young Lord Bullingdon's governor, was fond of +pleasure, of a glass of Rhenish in the garden-houses in the summer +evenings, and of a sly throw of the dice when the occasion offered; and +I took care to make friends with this person, who, being a college tutor +and an Englishman, was ready to go on his knees to any one who resembled +a man of fashion. Seeing me with my retinue of servants, my vis-a-vis +and chariots, my valets, my hussar, and horses, dressed in gold, and +velvet, and sables, saluting the greatest people in Europe as we met +on the course, or at the Spas, Runt was dazzled by my advances, and +was mine by a beckoning of the finger. I shall never forget the poor +wretch's astonishment when I asked him to dine, with two counts, off +gold plate, at the little room in the casino: he was made happy by +being allowed to win a few pieces of us, became exceedingly tipsy, sang +Cambridge songs, and recreated the company by telling us, in his horrid +Yorkshire French, stories about the gyps, and all the lords that had +ever been in his college. I encouraged him to come and see me oftener, +and bring with him his little viscount; for whom, though the boy always +detested me, I took care to have a good stock of sweetmeats, toys, and +picture-books when he came. + +I then began to enter into a controversy with Mr. Runt, and confided to +him some doubts which I had, and a very very earnest leaning towards the +Church of Rome. I made a certain abbe whom I knew write me letters upon +transubstantiation, &c., which the honest tutor was rather puzzled to +answer. I knew that they would be communicated to his lady, as they +were; for, asking leave to attend the English service which was +celebrated in her apartments, and frequented by the best English then +at the Spa, on the second Sunday she condescended to look at me; on the +third she was pleased to reply to my profound bow by a curtsey; the next +day I followed up the acquaintance by another obeisance in the public +walk; and, to make a long story short, her Ladyship and I were in full +correspondence on transubstantiation before six weeks were over. My Lady +came to the aid of her chaplain; and then I began to see the prodigious +weight of his arguments: as was to be expected. The progress of this +harmless little intrigue need not be detailed. I make no doubt every one +of my readers has practised similar stratagems when a fair lady was in +the case. + +I shall never forget the astonishment of Sir Charles Lyndon when, on +one summer evening, as he was issuing out to the play-table in his +sedan-chair, according to his wont, her Ladyship's barouche and four, +with her outriders in the tawny livery of the Lyndon family, came +driving into the courtyard of the house which they inhabited; and in +that carriage, by her Ladyship's side, sat no other than the 'vulgar +Irish adventurer,' as she was pleased to call him: I mean Redmond Barry, +Esquire. He made the most courtly of his bows, and grinned and waved his +hat in as graceful a manner as the gout permitted; and her Ladyship and +I replied to the salutation with the utmost politeness and elegance on +our parts. + +I could not go to the play-table for some time afterwards for Lady +Lyndon and I had an argument on transubstantiation, which lasted for +three hours; in which she was, as usual, victorious, and, in which her +companion, the Honourable Miss Flint Skinner, fell asleep; but when, at +last, I joined Sir Charles at the casino, he received me with a yell of +laughter, as his wont was, and introduced me to all the company as Lady +Lyndon's interesting young convert. This was his way. He laughed and +sneered at everything. He laughed when he was in a paroxysm of pain; he +laughed when he won money, or when he lost it: his laugh was not jovial +or agreeable, but rather painful and sardonic. + +'Gentlemen,' said he to Punter, Colonel Loder, Count du Carreau, and +several jovial fellows with whom he used to discuss a flask of champagne +and a Rhenish trout or two after play, 'see this amiable youth! He has +been troubled by religious scruples, and has flown for refuge to my +chaplain, Mr. Runt, who has asked for advice from my wife, Lady Lyndon; +and, between them both, they are confirming my ingenious young friend in +his faith. Did you ever hear of such doctors, and such a disciple?' + +''Faith, sir,' said I, 'if I want to learn good principles, it's surely +better I should apply for them to your lady and your chaplain than to +you!' + +'He wants to step into my shoes!' continued the knight. + +'The man would be happy who did so,' responded I, 'provided there were +no chalk-stones included!' At which reply Sir Charles was not very well +pleased, and went on with increased rancour. He was always free-spoken +in his cups; and, to say the truth, he was in his cups many more times +in a week than his doctors allowed. + +'Is it not a pleasure, gentlemen,' said he, 'for me, as I am drawing +near the goal, to find my home such a happy one; my wife so fond of me, +that she is even now thinking of appointing a successor? (I don't mean +you precisely, Mr. Barry; you are only taking your chance with a score +of others whom I could mention.) Isn't it a comfort to see her, like +a prudent housewife, getting everything ready for her husband's +departure?' + +'I hope you are not thinking of leaving us soon, knight?' said I, with +perfect sincerity; for I liked him, as a most amusing companion. 'Not +so soon, my dear, as you may fancy, perhaps,' continued he. 'Why, man, +I have been given over any time these four years; and there was always a +candidate or two waiting to apply for the situation. Who knows how long +I may keep you waiting?' and he DID keep me waiting some little time +longer than at that period there was any reason to suspect. + +As I declared myself pretty openly, according to my usual way, and +authors are accustomed to describe the persons of the ladies with whom +their heroes fall in love; in compliance with this fashion, I perhaps +should say a word or two respecting the charms of my Lady Lyndon. But +though I celebrated them in many copies of verses, of my own and other +persons' writing; and though I filled reams of paper in the passionate +style of those days with compliments to every one of her beauties and +smiles, in which I compared her to every flower, goddess, or famous +heroine ever heard of,--truth compels me to say that there was nothing +divine about her at all. She was very well; but no more. Her shape was +fine, her hair dark, her eyes good, and exceedingly active; she loved +singing, but performed it as so great a lady should, very much out of +tune. She had a smattering of half-a-dozen modern languages, and, as I +have said before, of many more sciences than I even knew the names of. +She piqued herself on knowing Greek and Latin; but the truth is, that +Mr. Runt, used to supply her with the quotations which she introduced +into her voluminous correspondence. She had as much love of admiration, +as strong, uneasy a vanity, and as little heart, as any woman I ever +knew. Otherwise, when her son, Lord Bullingdon, on account of his +differences with me, ran--but that matter shall be told in its proper +time. Finally, my Lady Lyndon was about a year older than myself; +though, of course, she would take her Bible oath that she was three +years younger. + +Few men are so honest as I am; for few will own to their real motives, +and I don't care a button about confessing mine. What Sir Charles Lyndon +said was perfectly true. I made the acquaintance of Lady Lyndon with +ulterior views. 'Sir,' said I to him, when, after the scene described +and the jokes he made upon me, we met alone, 'let those laugh that win. +You were very pleasant upon me a few nights since, and on my intentions +regarding your lady. Well, if they ARE what you think they are,--if I DO +wish to step into your shoes, what then? I have no other intentions than +you had yourself. I'll be sworn to muster just as much regard for my +Lady Lyndon as you ever showed her; and if I win her and wear her when +you are dead and gone, corbleu, knight, do you think it will be the fear +of your ghost will deter me?' + +Lyndon laughed as usual; but somewhat disconcertedly: indeed I had +clearly the best of him in the argument, and had just as much right to +hunt my fortune as he had. + +But one day he said, 'If you marry such a woman as my Lady Lyndon, mark +my words, you will regret it. You will pine after the liberty you once +enjoyed. By George! Captain Barry,' he added, with a sigh, 'the thing +that I regret most in life--perhaps it is because I am old, blase, and +dying--is, that I never had a virtuous attachment.' + +'Ha! ha! a milkmaid's daughter!' said I, laughing at the absurdity. + +'Well, why not a milkmaid's daughter? My good fellow, I WAS in love +in youth, as most gentlemen are, with my tutor's daughter, Helena, a +bouncing girl; of course older than myself' (this made me remember my +own little love-passages with Nora Brady in the days of my early life), +'and do you know, sir, I heartily regret I didn't marry her? There's +nothing like having a virtuous drudge at home, sir; depend upon that. It +gives a zest to one's enjoyments in the world, take my word for it. No +man of sense need restrict himself, or deny himself a single amusement +for his wife's sake: on the contrary, if he select the animal properly, +he will choose such a one as shall be no bar to his pleasure, but a +comfort in his hours of annoyance. For instance, I have got the gout: +who tends me? A hired valet, who robs me whenever he has the power. My +wife never comes near me. What friend have I? None in the wide world. +Men of the world, as you and I are, don't make friends; and we are +fools for our pains. Get a friend, sir, and that friend a woman--a +good household drudge, who loves you. THAT is the most precious sort of +friendship; for the expense of it is all on the woman's side. The man +needn't contribute anything. If he's a rogue, she'll vow he's an angel; +if he's a brute, she will like him all the better for his ill-treatment +of her. They like it, sir, these women. They are born to be our greatest +comforts and conveniences; our--our moral bootjacks, as it were; and to +men in your way of life, believe me such a person would be invaluable. +I am only speaking for your bodily and mental comfort's sake, mind. Why +didn't I marry poor Helena Flower, the curate's daughter?' + +I thought these speeches the remarks of a weakly disappointed man; +although since, perhaps, I have had reason to find the truth of Sir +Charles Lyndon's statements. The fact is, in my opinion, that we often +buy money very much too dear. To purchase a few thousands a year at the +expense of an odious wife, is very bad economy for a young fellow of any +talent and spirit; and there have been moments of my life when, in the +midst of my greatest splendour and opulence, with half-a-dozen lords at +my levee, with the finest horses in my stables, the grandest house over +my head, with unlimited credit at my banker's, and--Lady Lyndon to boot, +I have wished myself back a private of Bulow's, or anything, so as to +get rid of her. To return, however, to the story. Sir Charles, with his +complication of ills, was dying before us by inches! and I've no doubt +it could not have been very pleasant to him to see a young handsome +fellow paying court to his widow before his own face as it were. After +I once got into the house on the transubstantiation dispute, I found a +dozen more occasions to improve my intimacy, and was scarcely ever out +of her Ladyship's doors. The world talked and blustered; but what cared +I? The men cried fie upon the shameless Irish adventurer; but I have +told my way of silencing such envious people: and my sword had by this +time got such a reputation through Europe, that few people cared to +encounter it. If I can once get my hold of a place, I keep it. Many's +the house I have been to where I have seen the men avoid me. 'Faugh! the +low Irishman,' they would say. 'Bah! the coarse adventurer!' 'Out on the +insufferable blackleg and puppy!' and so forth. This hatred has been +of no inconsiderable service to me in the world; for when I fasten on a +man, nothing can induce me to release my hold: and I am left to myself, +which is all the better. As I told Lady Lyndon in those days, with +perfect sincerity, 'Calista' (I used to call her Calista in my +correspondence)--' Calista, I swear to thee, by the spotlessness of thy +own soul, by the brilliancy of thy immitigable eyes, by everything pure +and chaste in heaven and in thy own heart, that I will never cease +from following thee! Scorn I can bear, and have borne at thy hands. +Indifference I can surmount; 'tis a rock which my energy will climb +over, a magnet which attracts the dauntless iron of my soul!' And it was +true, I wouldn't have left her--no, though they had kicked me downstairs +every day I presented myself at her door. + +That is my way of fascinating women. Let the man who has to make his +fortune in life remember this maxim. ATTACKING is his only secret. Dare, +and the world always yields: or, if it beat you sometimes, dare again, +and it will succumb. In those days my spirit was so great, that if I +had set my heart upon marrying a princess of the blood, I would have had +her! + +I told Calista my story, and altered very very little of the truth. +My object was to frighten her: to show her that what I wanted, that I +dared; that what I dared, that I won; and there were striking passages +enough in my history to convince her of my iron will and indomitable +courage. 'Never hope to escape me, madam,' I would say: 'offer to +marry another man, and he dies upon this sword, which never yet met its +master. Fly from me, and I will follow you, though it were to the gates +of Hades.' I promise you this was very different language to that she +had been in the habit of hearing from her Jemmy-Jessamy adorers. You +should have seen how I scared the fellows from her. + +When I said in this energetic way that I would follow Lady Lyndon across +the Styx if necessary, of course I meant that I would do so, provided +nothing more suitable presented itself in the interim. If Lyndon would +not die, where was the use of my pursuing the Countess? And somehow, +towards the end of the Spa season, very much to my mortification I do +confess, the knight made another rally: it seemed as if nothing would +kill him. 'I am sorry for you, Captain Barry,' he would say, laughing as +usual. 'I'm grieved to keep you, or any gentleman, waiting. Had you not +better arrange with my doctor, or get the cook to flavour my omelette +with arsenic? What are the odds, gentlemen,' he would add, 'that I don't +live to see Captain Barry hanged yet?' + +In fact, the doctors tinkered him up for a year. 'It's my usual luck,' +I could not help saying to my uncle, who was my confidential and most +excellent adviser in all matters of the heart. 'I've been wasting the +treasures of my affections upon that flirt of a countess, and here's +her husband restored to health and likely to live I don't know how many +years!' And, as if to add to my mortification, there came just at this +period to Spa an English tallow-chandler's heiress, with a plum to +her fortune; and Madame Cornu, the widow of a Norman cattle-dealer and +farmer-general, with a dropsy and two hundred thousand livres a year. + +'What's the use of my following the Lyndons to England,' says I, 'if the +knight won't die?' + +'Don't follow them, my dear simple child,' replied my uncle. 'Stop here +and pay court to the new arrivals.' + +'Yes, and lose Calista for ever, and the greatest estate in all +England.' + +'Pooh, pooh! youths like you easily fire and easily despond. Keep up a +correspondence with Lady Lyndon. You know there's nothing she likes +so much. There's the Irish abbe, who will write you the most charming +letters for a crown apiece. Let her go; write to her, and meanwhile look +out for anything else which may turn up. Who knows? you might marry the +Norman widow, bury her, take her money, and be ready for the Countess +against the knight's death.' + +And so, with vows of the most profound respectful attachment, and having +given twenty louis to Lady Lyndon's waiting-woman for a lock of her +hair (of which fact, of course, the woman informed her mistress), I took +leave of the Countess, when it became necessary for her return to her +estates in England; swearing I would follow her as soon as an affair of +honour I had on my hands could be brought to an end. + +I shall pass over the events of the year that ensued before I again +saw her. She wrote to me according to promise; with much regularity at +first, with somewhat less frequency afterwards. My affairs, meanwhile, +at the play-table went on not unprosperously, and I was just on the +point of marrying the widow Cornu (we were at Brussels by this time, and +the poor soul was madly in love with me,) when the London Gazette was +put into my hands, and I read the following announcement:-- + +'Died at Castle-Lyndon, in the kingdom of Ireland, the Right Honourable +Sir Charles Lyndon, Knight of the Bath, member of Parliament for Lyndon +in Devonshire, and many years His Majesty's representative at various +European Courts. He hath left behind him a name which is endeared to all +his friends for his manifold virtues and talents, a reputation justly +acquired in the service of His Majesty, and an inconsolable widow to +deplore his loss. Her Ladyship, the bereaved Countess of Lyndon, was +at the Bath when the horrid intelligence reached her of her husband's +demise, and hastened to Ireland immediately in order to pay her last sad +duties to his beloved remains.' + +That very night I ordered my chariot and posted to Ostend, whence I +freighted a vessel to Dover, and travelling rapidly into the West, +reached Bristol; from which port I embarked for Waterford, and found +myself, after an absence of eleven years, in my native country. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV. I RETURN TO IRELAND, AND EXHIBIT MY SPLENDOUR AND +GENEROSITY IN THAT KINGDOM + +How were times changed with me now! I had left my country a poor +penniless boy--a private soldier in a miserable marching regiment. +I returned an accomplished man, with property to the amount of five +thousand guineas in my possession, with a splendid wardrobe and +jewel-case worth two thousand more; having mingled in all the scenes of +life a not undistinguished actor in them; having shared in war and in +love; having by my own genius and energy won my way from poverty and +obscurity to competence and splendour. As I looked out from my chariot +windows as it rolled along over the bleak bare roads, by the miserable +cabins of the peasantry, who came out in their rags to stare as the +splendid equipage passed, and huzza'd for his Lordship's honour as +they saw the magnificent stranger in the superb gilded vehicle, my +huge body-servant Fritz lolling behind with curling moustaches and +long queue, his green livery barred with silver lace, I could not help +thinking of myself with considerable complacency, and thanking my stars +that had endowed me with so many good qualities. But for my own merits +I should have been a raw Irish squireen such as those I saw swaggering +about the wretched towns through which my chariot passed on its road to +Dublin. I might have married Nora Brady (and though, thank Heaven, I +did not, I have never thought of that girl but with kindness, and even +remember the bitterness of losing her more clearly at this moment than +any other incident of my life); I might have been the father of ten +children by this time, or a farmer on my own account, or an agent to +a squire, or a gauger, or an attorney; and here I was one of the most +famous gentlemen of Europe! I bade my fellow get a bag of copper money +and throw it among the crowd as we changed horses; and I warrant me +there was as much shouting set up in praise of my honour as if my Lord +Townshend, the Lord Lieutenant himself, had been passing. + +My second day's journey--for the Irish roads were rough in those days, +and the progress of a gentleman's chariot terribly slow--brought me to +Carlow, where I put up at the very inn which I had used eleven years +back, when flying from home after the supposed murder of Quin in the +duel. How well I remember every moment of the scene! The old landlord +was gone who had served me; the inn that I then thought so comfortable +looked wretched and dismantled; but the claret was as good as in the old +days, and I had the host to partake of a jug of it and hear the news of +the country. + +He was as communicative as hosts usually are: the crops and the markets, +the price of beasts at last Castle Dermot fair, the last story about the +vicar, and the last joke of Father Hogan the priest; how the Whiteboys +had burned Squire Scanlan's ricks, and the highwaymen had been beaten +off in their attack upon Sir Thomas's house; who was to hunt the +Kilkenny hounds next season, and the wonderful run entirely they had +last March; what troops were in the town, and how Miss Biddy Toole +had run off with Ensign Mullins: all the news of sport, assize, and +quarter-sessions were detailed by this worthy chronicler of small-beer, +who wondered that my honour hadn't heard of them in England, or in +foreign parts, where he seemed to think the world was as interested +as he was about the doings of Kilkenny and Carlow. I listened to these +tales with, I own, a considerable pleasure; for every now and then a +name would come up in the conversation which I remembered in old days, +and bring with it a hundred associations connected with them. + +I had received many letters from my mother, which informed me of the +doings of the Brady's Town family. My uncle was dead, and Mick, his +eldest son, had followed him too to the grave. The Brady girls had +separated from their paternal roof as soon as their elder brother came +to rule over it. Some were married, some gone to settle with their +odious old mother in out-of-the-way watering-places. Ulick, though he +had succeeded to the estate, had come in for a bankrupt property, and +Castle Brady was now inhabited only by the bats and owls, and the old +gamekeeper. My mother, Mrs. Harry Barry, had gone to live at Bray, to +sit under Mr. Jowls, her favourite preacher, who had a chapel there; +and, finally, the landlord told me, that Mrs. Barry's son had gone to +foreign parts, enlisted in the Prussian service, and had been shot there +as a deserter. + +I don't care to own that I hired a stout nag from the landlord's stable +after dinner, and rode back at nightfall twenty miles to my old home. +My heart beat to see it. Barryville had got a pestle and mortar over the +door, and was called 'The Esculapian Repository,' by Doctor Macshane; +a red-headed lad was spreading a plaster in the old parlour; the little +window of my room, once so neat and bright, was cracked in many places, +and stuffed with rags here and there; the flowers had disappeared +from the trim garden-beds which my good orderly mother tended. In the +churchyard there were two more names put into the stone over the family +vault of the Bradys: they were those of my cousin, for whom my regard +was small, and my uncle, whom I had always loved. I asked my old +companion the blacksmith, who had beaten me so often in old days, to +give my horse a feed and a litter: he was a worn weary-looking man now, +with a dozen dirty ragged children paddling about his smithy, and had no +recollection of the fine gentleman who stood before him. I did not +seek to recall my-self to his memory till the next day, when I put ten +guineas into his hand, and bade him drink the health of English Redmond. + +As for Castle Brady, the gates of the park were still there; but the old +trees were cut down in the avenue, a black stump jutting out here and +there, and casting long shadows as I passed in the moonlight over +the worn grass-grown old road. A few cows were at pasture there. The +garden-gate was gone, and the place a tangled wilderness. I sat down on +the old bench, where I had sat on the day when Nora jilted me; and I do +believe my feelings were as strong then as they had been when I was a +boy, eleven years before; and I caught myself almost crying again, to +think that Nora Brady had deserted me. I believe a man forgets nothing. +I've seen a flower, or heard some trivial word or two, which have +awakened recollections that somehow had lain dormant for scores of +years; and when I entered the house in Clarges Street, where I was born +(it was used as a gambling-house when I first visited London), all of a +sudden the memory of my childhood came back to me--of my actual infancy: +I recollected my father in green and gold, holding me up to look at a +gilt coach which stood at the door, and my mother in a flowered sack, +with patches on her face. Some day, I wonder, will everything we have +seen and thought and done come and flash across our minds in this way? +I had rather not. I felt so as I sat upon the bench at Castle Brady, and +thought of the bygone times. + +The hall-door was open--it was always so at that house; the moon was +flaring in at the long old windows, and throwing ghastly chequers upon +the floors; and the stars were looking in on the other side, in the blue +of the yawning window over the great stair: from it you could see the +old stable-clock, with the letters glistening on it still. There had +been jolly horses in those stables once; and I could see my uncle's +honest face, and hear him talking to his dogs as they came jumping and +whining and barking round about him of a gay winter morning. We used to +mount there; and the girls looked out at us from the hall-window, where +I stood and looked at the sad, mouldy, lonely old place. There was a +red light shining through the crevices of a door at one corner of the +building, and a dog presently came out baying loudly, and a limping man +followed with a fowling-piece. + +'Who's there?' said the old man. + +'PHIL PURCELL, don't you know me?' shouted I; 'it's Redmond Barry.' + +I thought the old man would have fired his piece at me at first, for he +pointed it at the window; but I called to him to hold his hand, and came +down and embraced him.... Psha! I don't care to tell the rest: Phil and +I had a long night, and talked over a thousand foolish old things that +have no interest for any soul alive now: for what soul is there alive +that cares for Barry Lyndon? + +I settled a hundred guineas on the old man when I got to Dublin, and +made him an annuity which enabled him to pass his old days in comfort. + +Poor Phil Purcell was amusing himself at a game of exceedingly dirty +cards with an old acquaintance of mine; no other than Tim, who was +called my 'valet' in the days of yore, and whom the reader may remember +as clad in my father's old liveries. They used to hang about him in +those times, and lap over his wrists and down to his heels; but Tim, +though he protested he had nigh killed himself with grief when I went +away, had managed to grow enormously fat in my absence, and would have +fitted almost into Daniel Lambert's coat, or that of the vicar of Castle +Brady, whom he served in the capacity of clerk. I would have engaged +the fellow in my service but for his monstrous size, which rendered him +quite unfit to be the attendant of any gentleman of condition; and so I +presented him with a handsome gratuity, and promised to stand godfather +to his next child: the eleventh since my absence. There is no country in +the world where the work of multiplying is carried on so prosperously +as in my native island. Mr. Tim had married the girls' waiting-maid, +who had been a kind friend of mine in the early times; and I had to go +salute poor Molly next day, and found her a slatternly wench in a mud +hut, surrounded by a brood of children almost as ragged as those of my +friend the blacksmith. + +From Tim and Phil Purcell, thus met fortuitously together, I got the +very last news respecting my family. My mother was well. + +''Faith sir,' says Tim, 'and you're come in time, mayhap, for preventing +an addition to your family.' + +'Sir!' exclaimed I, in a fit of indignation. + +'In the shape of father-in-law, I mane, sir,' says Tim: 'the misthress +is going to take on with Mister Jowls the praacher.' + +Poor Nora, he added, had made many additions to the illustrious race of +Quin; and my cousin Ulick was in Dublin, coming to little good, both my +informants feared, and having managed to run through the small available +remains of property which my good old uncle had left behind him. + +I saw I should have no small family to provide for; and then, to +conclude the evening, Phil, Tim, and I, had a bottle of usquebaugh, the +taste of which I had remembered for eleven good years, and did not part +except with the warmest terms of fellowship, and until the sun had been +some time in the sky. I am exceedingly affable; that has always been +one of my characteristics. I have no false pride, as many men of high +lineage like my own have, and, in default of better company, will hob +and nob with a ploughboy or a private soldier just as readily as with +the first noble in the land. + +I went back to the village in the morning, and found a pretext for +visiting Barryville under a device of purchasing drugs. The hooks were +still in the wall where my silver-hiked sword used to hang; a blister +was lying on the window-sill, where my mother's 'Whole Duty of Man' had +its place; and the odious Doctor Macshane had found out who I was (my +countrymen find out everything, and a great deal more besides), and +sniggering, asked me how I left the King of Prussia, and whether my +friend the Emperor Joseph was as much liked as the Empress Maria Theresa +had been. The bell-ringers would have had a ring of bells for me, but +there was but one, Tim, who was too fat to pull; and I rode off before +the vicar, Doctor Bolter (who had succeeded old Mr. Texter, who had +the living in my time), had time to come out to compliment me; but the +rapscallions of the beggarly village had assembled in a dirty army to +welcome me, and cheered 'Hurrah for Masther Redmond!' as I rode away. + +My people were not a little anxious regarding me, by the time I returned +to Carlow, and the landlord was very much afraid, he said, that the +highwaymen had gotten hold of me. There, too, my name and station had +been learned from my servant Fritz: who had not spared his praises of +his master, and had invented some magnificent histories concerning me. +He said it was the truth that I was intimate with half the sovereigns of +Europe, and the prime favourite with most of them. Indeed I had made +my uncle's order of the Spur hereditary, and travelled under +the name of the Chevalier Barry, chamberlain to the Duke of +Hohenzollern-Sigmaringen. + +They gave me the best horses the stable possessed to carry me on my road +to Dublin, and the strongest ropes for harness; and we got on pretty +well, and there was no rencontre between the highwaymen and the pistols +with which Fritz and I were provided. We lay that night at Kilcullen, +and the next day I made my entry into the city of Dublin, with four +horses to my carriage, five thousand guineas in my purse, and one of the +most brilliant reputations in Europe, having quitted the city a beggarly +boy, eleven years before. + +The citizens of Dublin have as great and laudable a desire for knowing +their neighbours' concerns as the country people have; and it is +impossible for a gentleman, however modest his desires may be (and such +mine have notoriously been through life), to enter the capital without +having his name printed in every newspaper and mentioned in a number of +societies. My name and titles were all over the town the day after my +arrival. A great number of polite persons did me the honour to call at +my lodgings, when I selected them; and this was a point very necessarily +of immediate care, for the hotels in the town were but vulgar holes, +unfit for a nobleman of my fashion and elegance. I had been informed +of the fact by travellers on the Continent; and determining to fix on +a lodging at once, I bade the drivers go slowly up and down the streets +with my chariot, until I had selected a place suitable to my rank. This +proceeding, and the uncouth questions and behaviour of my German Fritz, +who was instructed to make inquiries at the different houses until +convenient apartments could be lighted upon, brought an immense mob +round my coach; and by the time the rooms were chosen you might have +supposed I was the new General of the Forces, so great was the multitude +following us. + +I fixed at length upon a handsome suite of apartments in Capel Street, +paid the ragged postilions who had driven me a splendid gratuity, and +establishing myself in the rooms with my baggage and Fritz, desired the +landlord to engage me a second fellow to wear my liveries, a couple +of stout reputable chairmen and their machine, and a coachman who +had handsome job-horses to hire for my chariot, and serviceable +riding-horses to sell. I gave him a handsome sum in advance; and I +promise you the effect of my advertisement was such, that next day I had +a regular levee in my antechamber: grooms, valets, and maitres-d'hotel +offered themselves without number; I had proposals for the purchase of +horses sufficient to mount a regiment, both from dealers and gentlemen +of the first fashion. Sir Lawler Gawler came to propose to me the most +elegant bay-mare ever stepped; my Lord Dundoodle had a team of four that +wouldn't disgrace my friend the Emperor; and the Marquess of Ballyragget +sent his gentleman and his compliments, stating that if I would step +up to his stables, or do him the honour of breakfasting with him +previously, he would show me the two finest greys in Europe. I +determined to accept the invitations of Dundoodle and Ballyragget, +but to purchase my horses from the dealers. It is always the best way. +Besides, in those days, in Ireland, if a gentleman warranted his horse, +and it was not sound, or a dispute arose, the remedy you had was the +offer of a bullet in your waistcoat. I had played at the bullet game too +much in earnest to make use of it heedlessly: and I may say, proudly for +myself, that I never engaged in a duel unless I had a real, available, +and prudent reason for it. + +There was a simplicity about this Irish gentry which amused and made me +wonder. If they tell more fibs than their downright neighbours across +the water, on the other hand they believe more; and I made myself in a +single week such a reputation in Dublin as would take a man ten years +and a mint of money to acquire in London. I had won five hundred +thousand pounds at play; I was the favourite of the Empress Catherine of +Russia; the confidential agent of Frederick of Prussia; it was I won the +battle of Hochkirchen; I was the cousin of Madame Du Barry, the French +King's favourite, and a thousand things beside. Indeed, to tell the +truth, I hinted a number of these stories to my kind friends Ballyragget +and Gawler; and they were not slow to improve the hints I gave them. + +After having witnessed the splendours of civilised life abroad, the +sight of Dublin in the year 1771, when I returned thither, struck me +with anything but respect. It was as savage as Warsaw almost, without +the regal grandeur of the latter city. The people looked more ragged +than any race I have ever seen, except the gipsy hordes along the banks +of the Danube. There was, as I have said, not an inn in the town fit for +a gentleman of condition to dwell in. Those luckless fellows who could +not keep a carriage, and walked the streets at night, ran imminent risks +of the knives of the women and ruffians who lay in wait there,--of a set +of ragged savage villains, who neither knew the use of shoe nor razor; +and as a gentleman entered his chair or his chariot, to be carried to +his evening rout, or the play, the flambeaux of the footmen would light +up such a set of wild gibbering Milesian faces as would frighten a +genteel person of average nerves. I was luckily endowed with strong +ones; besides, had seen my amiable countrymen before. + +I know this description of them will excite anger among some Irish +patriots, who don't like to have the nakedness of our land abused, and +are angry if the whole truth be told concerning it. But bah! it was a +poor provincial place, Dublin, in the old days of which I speak; and +many a tenth-rate German residency is more genteel. There were, it is +true, near three hundred resident Peers at the period; and a House of +Commons; and my Lord Mayor and his corporation; and a roystering noisy +University, whereof the students made no small disturbances nightly, +patronised the roundhouse, ducked obnoxious printers and tradesmen, and +gave the law at the Crow Street Theatre. But I had seen too much of the +first society of Europe to be much tempted by the society of these noisy +gentry, and was a little too much of a gentleman to mingle with the +disputes and politics of my Lord Mayor and his Aldermen. In the House of +Commons there were some dozen of right pleasant fellows. I never heard +in the English Parliament better speeches than from Flood, and Daly, of +Galway. Dick Sheridan, though not a well-bred person, was as amusing and +ingenious a table-companion as ever I met; and though during Mr. Edmund +Burke's interminable speeches in the English House I used always to go +to sleep, I yet have heard from well-informed parties that Mr. Burke was +a person of considerable abilities, and even reputed to be eloquent in +his more favourable moments. + +I soon began to enjoy to the full extent the pleasures that the wretched +place affords, and which were within a gentleman's reach: Ranelagh and +the Ridotto; Mr. Mossop, at Crow Street; my Lord Lieutenant's parties, +where there was a great deal too much boozing, and too little play, to +suit a person of my elegant and refined habits. 'Daly's Coffee-house,' +and the houses of the nobility, were soon open to me; and I remarked +with astonishment in the higher circles, what I had experienced in the +lower on my first unhappy visit to Dublin, an extraordinary want of +money, and a preposterous deal of promissory notes flying about, for +which I was quite unwilling to stake my guineas. The ladies, too, were +mad for play; but exceeding unwilling to pay when they lost. Thus, when +the old Countess of Trumpington lost ten pieces to me at quadrille, she +gave me, instead of the money, her Ladyship's note of hand on her +agent in Galway; which I put, with a great deal of politeness, into the +candle. But when the Countess made me a second proposition to play, I +said that as soon as her Ladyship's remittances were arrived, I would +be the readiest person to meet her; but till then was her very humble +servant. And I maintained this resolution and singular character +throughout the Dublin society: giving out at 'Daly's' that I was ready +to play any man, for any sum, at any game; or to fence with him, or to +ride with him (regard being had to our weight), or to shoot flying, or +at a mark; and in this latter accomplishment, especially if the mark be +a live one, Irish gentlemen of that day had no ordinary skill. + +Of course I despatched a courier in my liveries to Castle Lyndon with +a private letter for Runt, demanding from him full particulars of +the Countess of Lyndon's state of health and mind; and a touching and +eloquent letter to her Ladyship, in which I bade her remember ancient +days, which I tied up with a single hair from the lock which I had +purchased from her woman, and in which I told her that Sylvander +remembered his oath, and could never forget his Calista. The answer I +received from her was exceedingly unsatisfactory and inexplicit; that +from Mr. Runt explicit enough, but not at all pleasant in its contents. +My Lord George Poynings, the Marquess of Tiptoff's younger son, was +paying very marked addresses to the widow; being a kinsman of the +family, and having been called to Ireland relative to the will of the +deceased Sir Charles Lyndon. + +Now, there was a sort of rough-and-ready law in Ireland in those days, +which was of great convenience to persons desirous of expeditious +justice; and of which the newspapers of the time contain a hundred +proofs. Fellows with the nicknames of Captain Fireball, Lieutenant +Buffcoat, and Ensign Steele, were repeatedly sending warning letters +to landlords, and murdering them if the notes were unattended to. The +celebrated Captain Thunder ruled in the southern counties, and his +business seemed to be to procure wives for gentlemen who had not +sufficient means to please the parents of the young ladies; or, perhaps, +had not time for a long and intricate courtship. + +I had found my cousin Ulick at Dublin, grown very fat, and very poor; +hunted up by Jews and creditors: dwelling in all sorts of queer corners, +from which he issued at nightfall to the Castle, or to his card-party at +his tavern; but he was always the courageous fellow: and I hinted to him +the state of my affections regarding Lady Lyndon. + +'The Countess of Lyndon!' said poor Ulick; 'well, that IS a wonder. I +myself have been mightily sweet upon a young lady, one of the Kiljoys of +Ballyhack, who has ten thousand pounds to her fortune, and to whom her +Ladyship is guardian; but how is a poor fellow without a coat to his +back to get on with an heiress in such company as that? I might as well +propose for the Countess myself.' + +'You had better not,' said I, laughing; 'the man who tries runs a +chance of going out of the world first.' And I explained to him my own +intention regarding Lady Lyndon. Honest Ulick, whose respect for me was +prodigious when he saw how splendid my appearance was, and heard how +wonderful my adventures and great my experience of fashionable life had +been, was lost in admiration of my daring and energy, when I confided to +him my intention of marrying the greatest heiress in England. + +I bade Ulick go out of town on any pretext he chose, and put a letter +into a post-office near Castle Lyndon, which I prepared in a feigned +hand, and in which I gave a solemn warning to Lord George Poynings to +quit the country; saying that the great prize was never meant for the +likes of him, and that there were heiresses enough in England, without +coming to rob them out of the domains of Captain Fireball. The letter +was written on a dirty piece of paper, in the worst of spelling: it came +to my Lord by the post-conveyance, and, being a high-spirited young man, +he of course laughed at it. + +As ill-luck would have it for him, he appeared in Dublin a very short +time afterwards; was introduced to the Chevalier Redmond Barry, at the +Lord Lieutenant's table; adjourned with him and several other gentlemen +to the club at 'Daly's,' and there, in a dispute about the pedigree of +a horse, in which everybody said I was in the right, words arose, and +a meeting was the consequence. I had had no affair in Dublin since +my arrival, and people were anxious to see whether I was equal to my +reputation. I make no boast about these matters, but always do them when +the time comes; and poor Lord George, who had a neat hand and a quick +eye enough, but was bred in the clumsy English school, only stood before +my point until I had determined where I should hit him. + +My sword went in under his guard, and came out at his back. When he +fell, he good-naturedly extended his hand to me, and said, 'Mr. Barry, I +was wrong!' I felt not very well at ease when the poor fellow made this +confession: for the dispute had been of my making, and, to tell the +truth, I had never intended it should end in any other way than a +meeting. + +He lay on his bed for four months with the effects of that wound; +and the same post which conveyed to Lady Lyndon the news of the duel, +carried her a message from Captain Fireball to say, 'This is NUMBER +ONE!' + +'You, Ulick,' said I, 'shall be NUMBER TWO.' + +''Faith,' said my cousin, 'one's enough:' But I had my plan regarding +him, and determined at once to benefit this honest fellow, and to +forward my own designs upon the widow. + + + + +CHAPTER XV. I PAY COURT TO MY LADY LYNDON + +As my uncle's attainder was not reversed for being out with the +Pretender in 1745, it would have been inconvenient for him to accompany +his nephew to the land of our ancestors; where, if not hanging, at least +a tedious process of imprisonment, and a doubtful pardon, would have +awaited the good old gentleman. In any important crisis of my life, his +advice was always of advantage to me, and I did not fail to seek it at +this juncture, and to implore his counsel as regarded my pursuit of the +widow. I told him the situation of her heart, as I have described it in +the last chapter; of the progress that young Poynings had made in her +affections, and of her forgetfulness of her old admirer; and I got a +letter, in reply, full of excellent suggestions, by which I did not fail +to profit. The kind Chevalier prefaced it by saying, that he was for +the present boarding in the Minorite convent at Brussels; that he had +thoughts of making his salut there, and retiring for ever from the +world, devoting himself to the severest practices of religion. Meanwhile +he wrote with regard to the lovely widow: it was natural that a person +of her vast wealth and not disagreeable person should have many adorers +about her; and that, as in her husband's lifetime she had shown herself +not at all disinclined to receive my addresses, I must make no manner +of doubt I was not the first person whom she had so favoured; nor was I +likely to be the last. + +'I would, my dear child,' he added, 'that the ugly attainder round my +neck, and the resolution I have formed of retiring from a world of sin +and vanity altogether, did not prevent me from coming personally to your +aid in this delicate crisis of your affairs; for, to lead them to a +good end, it requires not only the indomitable courage, swagger, and +audacity, which you possess beyond any young man I have ever known' (as +for the 'swagger,' as the Chevalier calls it, I deny it in toto, being +always most modest in my demeanour); 'but though you have the vigour to +execute, you have not the ingenuity to suggest plans of conduct for the +following out of a scheme that is likely to be long and difficult of +execution. Would you have ever thought of the brilliant scheme of the +Countess Ida, which so nearly made you the greatest fortune in Europe, +but for the advice and experience of a poor old man, now making up his +accounts with the world, and about to retire from it for good and all? + +'Well, with regard to the Countess of Lyndon, your manner of winning her +is quite en l'air at present to me; nor can I advise day by day, as +I would I could, according to circumstances as they arise. But your +general scheme should be this. If I remember the letters you used to +have from her during the period of the correspondence which the silly +woman entertained you with, much high-flown sentiment passed between +you; and especially was written by her Ladyship herself: she is a +blue-stocking, and fond of writing; she used to make her griefs with her +husband the continual theme of her correspondence (as women will do). I +recollect several passages in her letters bitterly deploring her fate in +being united to one so unworthy of her. + +'Surely, in the mass of billets you possess from her, there must be +enough to compromise her. Look them well over; select passages, and +threaten to do so. Write to her at first in the undoubting tone of a +lover who has every claim upon her. Then, if she is silent, remonstrate, +alluding to former promises from her; producing proofs of her former +regard for you; vowing despair, destruction, revenge, if she prove +unfaithful. Frighten her--astonish her by some daring feat, which will +let her see your indomitable resolution: you are the man to do it. Your +sword has a reputation in Europe, and you have a character for boldness; +which was the first thing that caused my Lady Lyndon to turn her eyes +upon you. Make the people talk about you at Dublin. Be as splendid, and +as brave, and as odd as possible. How I wish I were near you! You have +no imagination to invent such a character as I would make for you--but +why speak; have I not had enough of the world and its vanities?' + +There was much practical good sense in this advice; which I quote, +unaccompanied with the lengthened description of his mortifications and +devotions which my uncle indulged in, finishing his letter, as usual, +with earnest prayers for my conversion to the true faith. But he +was constant to his form of worship; and I, as a man of honour and +principle, was resolute to mine; and have no doubt that the one, in this +respect, will be as acceptable as the other. + +Under these directions it was, then, I wrote to Lady Lyndon, to ask on +my arrival when the most respectful of her admirers might be permitted +to intrude upon her grief? Then, as her Ladyship was silent, I demanded, +Had she forgotten old times, and one whom she had favoured with her +intimacy at a very happy period? Had Calista forgotten Eugenio? At the +same time I sent down by my servant with this letter a present of a +little sword for Lord Bullingdon, and a private note to his governor; +whose note of hand, by the way, I possessed for a sum--I forget +what--but such as the poor fellow would have been very unwilling to pay. +To this an answer came from her Ladyship's amanuensis, stating that Lady +Lyndon was too much disturbed by grief at her recent dreadful calamity +to see any one but her own relations; and advices from my friend, the +boy's governor, stating that my Lord George Poynings was the young +kinsman who was about to console her. + +This caused the quarrel between me and the young nobleman; whom I took +care to challenge on his first arrival at Dublin. + +When the news of the duel was brought to the widow at Castle Lyndon, my +informant wrote me that Lady Lyndon shrieked and flung down the journal, +and said, 'The horrible monster! He would not shrink from murder, I +believe;' and little Lord Bullingdon, drawing his sword--the sword I had +given him, the rascal!--declared he would kill with it the man who had +hurt Cousin George. On Mr. Runt telling him that I was the donor of the +weapon, the little rogue still vowed that he would kill me all the same! +Indeed, in spite of my kindness to him, that boy always seemed to detest +me. + +Her Ladyship sent up daily couriers to inquire after the health of Lord +George; and, thinking to myself that she would probably be induced to +come to Dublin if she were to hear that he was in danger, I managed to +have her informed that he was in a precarious state; that he grew worse; +that Redmond Barry had fled in consequence: of this flight I caused the +Mercury newspaper to give notice also, but indeed it did not carry me +beyond the town of Bray, where my poor mother dwelt; and where, under +the difficulties of a duel, I might be sure of having a welcome. + +Those readers who have the sentiment of filial duty strong in their +mind, will wonder that I have not yet described my interview with that +kind mother whose sacrifices for me in youth had been so considerable, +and for whom a man of my warm and affectionate nature could not but feel +the most enduring and sincere regard. + +But a man, moving in the exalted sphere of society in which I now +stood, has his public duties to perform before he consults his private +affections; and so, upon my first arrival, I despatched a messenger +to Mrs. Barry, stating my arrival, conveying to her my sentiments of +respect and duty, and promising to pay them to her personally so soon as +my business in Dublin would leave me free. + +This, I need not say, was very considerable. I had my horses to buy, my +establishment to arrange, my entree into the genteel world to make; and, +having announced my intention to purchase horses and live in a genteel +style, was in a couple of days so pestered by visits of the nobility and +gentry, and so hampered by invitations to dinners and suppers, that +it became exceedingly difficult for me during some days to manage my +anxiously desired visit to Mrs. Barry. + +It appears that the good soul provided an entertainment as soon as she +heard of my arrival, and invited all her humble acquaintances of Bray to +be present: but I was engaged subsequently to my Lord Ballyragget on the +day appointed, and was, of course, obliged to break the promise that I +had made to Mrs. Barry to attend her humble festival. + +I endeavoured to sweeten the disappointment by sending my mother a +handsome satin sack and velvet robe, which I purchased for her at the +best mercers in Dublin (and indeed told her I had brought from Paris +expressly for her); but the messenger whom I despatched with the +presents brought back the parcels, with the piece of satin torn half +way up the middle: and I did not need his descriptions to be aware that +something had offended the good lady; who came out, he said, and +abused him at the door, and would have boxed his cars, but that she was +restrained by a gentleman in black; who I concluded, with justice, was +her clerical friend Mr. Jowls. + +This reception of my presents made me rather dread than hope for an +interview with Mrs. Barry, and delayed my visit to her for some days +further. I wrote her a dutiful and soothing letter, to which there was +no answer returned; although I mentioned that on my way to the capital I +had been at Barryville, and revisited the old haunts of my youth. + +I don't care to own that she is the only human being whom I am afraid +to face. I can recollect her fits of anger as a child, and the +reconciliations, which used to be still more violent and painful: and +so, instead of going myself, I sent my factotum, Ulick Brady, to her; +who rode back, saying that he had met with a reception he would not +again undergo for twenty guineas; that he had been dismissed the house, +with strict injunctions to inform me that my mother disowned me for +ever. This parental anathema, as it were, affected me much, for I was +always the most dutiful of sons; and I determined to go as soon as +possible, and brave what I knew must be an inevitable scene of reproach +and anger, for the sake, as I hoped, of as certain a reconciliation. + +I had been giving one night an entertainment to some of the genteelest +company in Dublin, and was showing my Lord Marquess downstairs with a +pair of wax tapers, when I found a woman in a grey coat seated at my +doorsteps: to whom, taking her for a beggar, I tendered a piece of +money, and whom my noble friends, who were rather hot with wine, began +to joke, as my door closed and I bade them all good-night. + +I was rather surprised and affected to find afterwards that the hooded +woman was no other than my mother; whose pride had made her vow that she +would not enter my doors, but whose natural maternal yearnings had made +her long to see her son's face once again, and who had thus planted +herself in disguise at my gate. Indeed, I have found in my experience +that these are the only women who never deceive a man, and whose +affection remains constant through all trials. Think of the hours that +the kind soul must have passed, lonely in the street, listening to the +din and merriment within my apartments, the clinking of the glasses, the +laughing, the choruses, and the cheering. + +When my affair with Lord George happened, and it became necessary to me, +for the reasons I have stated, to be out of the way; now, thought I, is +the time to make my peace with my good mother: she will never refuse me +an asylum now that I seem in distress. So sending to her a notice that I +was coming, that I had had a duel which had brought me into trouble, and +required I should go into hiding, I followed my messenger half-an-hour +afterwards: and, I warrant me, there was no want of a good reception, +for presently, being introduced into an empty room by the barefooted +maid who waited upon Mrs. Barry, the door was opened, and the poor +mother flung herself into my arms with a scream, and with transports +of joy which I shall not attempt to describe--they are but to be +comprehended by women who have held in their arms an only child after a +twelve years' absence from him. + +The Reverend Mr. Jowls, my mother's director, was the only person to +whom the door of her habitation was opened during my sojourn; and he +would take no denial. He mixed for himself a glass of rum-punch, which +he seemed in the habit of drinking at my good mother's charge, groaned +aloud, and forthwith began reading me a lecture upon the sinfulness of +my past courses, and especially of the last horrible action I had been +committing. + +'Sinful!' said my mother, bristling up when her son was attacked; +'sure we're all sinners; and it's you, Mr. Jowls, who have given me the +inexpressible blessing to let me know THAT. But how else would you have +had the poor child behave?' + +'I would have had the gentleman avoid the drink, and the quarrel, and +this wicked duel altogether,' answered the clergyman. + +But my mother cut him short, by saying such sort of conduct might be +very well in a person of his cloth and his birth, but it neither became +a Brady nor a Barry. In fact, she was quite delighted with the thought +that I had pinked an English marquis's son in a duel; and so, to console +her, I told her of a score more in which I had been engaged, and of some +of which I have already informed the reader. + +As my late antagonist was in no sort of danger when I spread that report +of his perilous situation, there was no particular call that my hiding +should be very close. But the widow did not know the fact as well as I +did: and caused her house to be barricaded, and Becky, her barefooted +serving-wench, to be a perpetual sentinel to give alarm, lest the +officers should be in search of me. + +The only person I expected, however, was my cousin Ulick, who was to +bring me the welcome intelligence of Lady Lyndon's arrival; and I own, +after two days' close confinement at Bray, in which I narrated all the +adventures of my life to my mother, and succeeded in making her accept +the dresses she had formerly refused, and a considerable addition to +her income which I was glad to make, I was very glad when I saw that +reprobate Ulick Brady, as my mother called him, ride up to the door in +my carriage with the welcome intelligence for my mother, that the young +lord was out of danger; and for me, that the Countess of Lyndon had +arrived in Dublin. + +'And I wish, Redmond, that the young gentleman had been in danger a +little longer,' said the widow, her eyes filling with tears, 'and you'd +have stayed so much the more with your poor old mother.' But I dried her +tears, embracing her warmly, and promised to see her often; and hinted +I would have, mayhap, a house of my own and a noble daughter to welcome +her. + +'Who is she, Redmond dear?' said the old lady. + +'One of the noblest and richest women in the empire, mother,' answered +I. 'No mere Brady this time,' I added, laughing: with which hopes I left +Mrs. Barry in the best of tempers. + +No man can bear less malice than I do; and, when I have once carried +my point, I am one of the most placable creatures in the world. I was a +week in Dublin before I thought it necessary to quit that capital. I +had become quite reconciled to my rival in that time; made a point of +calling at his lodgings, and speedily became an intimate consoler of his +bed-side. He had a gentleman to whom I did not neglect to be civil, and +towards whom I ordered my people to be particular in their attentions; +for I was naturally anxious to learn what my Lord George's position with +the lady of Castle Lyndon had really been, whether other suitors were +about the widow, and how she would bear the news of his wound. + +The young nobleman himself enlightened me somewhat upon the subjects I +was most desirous to inquire into. + +'Chevalier,' said he to me one morning when I went to pay him my +compliments, 'I find you are an old acquaintance with my kinswoman, the +Countess of Lyndon. She writes me a page of abuse of you in a letter +here; and the strange part of the story is this, that one day when there +was talk about you at Castle Lyndon, and the splendid equipage you were +exhibiting in Dublin, the fair widow vowed and protested she never had +heard of you. + +'"Oh yes, mamma," said the little Bullingdon, "the tall dark man at Spa +with the cast in his eye, who used to make my governor tipsy and sent me +the sword: his name is Mr. Barry." + +'But my Lady ordered the boy out of the room, and persisted in knowing +nothing about you.' + +'And are you a kinsman and acquaintance of my Lady Lyndon, my Lord?' +said I, in a tone of grave surprise. + +'Yes, indeed,' answered the young gentleman. 'I left her house but to +get this ugly wound from you. And it came at a most unlucky time too.' + +'Why more unlucky now than at another moment?' + +'Why, look you, Chevalier, I think the widow was not unpartial to me. I +think I might have induced her to make our connection a little closer: +and faith, though she is older than I am, she is the richest party now +in England.' + +'My Lord George,' said I, 'will you let me ask you a frank but an odd +question?--will you show me her letters?' + +'Indeed I'll do no such thing,' replied he, in a rage. + +'Nay, don't be angry. If _I_ show you letters of Lady Lyndon's to me, +will you let me see hers to you?' + +'What, in Heaven's name, do you mean, Mr. Barry?' said the young +gentleman. + +'_I_ mean that I passionately loved Lady Lyndon. I mean that I am +a--that I rather was not indifferent to her. I mean that I love her to +distraction at this present moment, and will die myself, or kill the man +who possesses her before me.' + +'YOU marry the greatest heiress and the noblest blood in England?' said +Lord George haughtily. + +'There's no nobler blood in Europe than mine,' answered I: 'and I tell +you I don't know whether to hope or not. But this I know, that there +were days in which, poor as I am, the great heiress did not disdain to +look down upon my poverty: and that any man who marries her passes over +my dead body to do it. It's lucky for you,' I added gloomily, 'that on +the occasion of my engagement with you, I did not know what were your +views regarding my Lady Lyndon. My poor boy, you are a lad of courage +and I love you. Mine is the first sword in Europe, and you would have +been lying in a narrower bed than that you now occupy.' + +'Boy!' said Lord George: 'I am not four years younger than you are.' + +'You are forty years younger than I am in experience. I have passed +through every grade of life. With my own skill and daring I have made +my own fortune. I have been in fourteen pitched battles as a private +soldier, and have been twenty-three times on the ground, and never was +touched but once; and that was by the sword of a French maitre-d'armes, +Whom I killed. I started in life at seventeen, a beggar, and am now at +seven-and-twenty, with twenty thousand guineas. Do you suppose a man +of my courage and energy can't attain anything that he dares, and that +having claims upon the widow, I will not press them?' + +This speech was not exactly true to the letter (for I had multiplied my +pitched battles, my duels, and my wealth somewhat); but I saw that it +made the impression I desired to effect upon the young gentleman's +mind, who listened to my statement with peculiar seriousness, and whom I +presently left to digest it. + +A couple of days afterwards I called to see him again, when I brought +with me some of the letters that had passed between me and my Lady +Lyndon. 'Here,' said I, 'look--I show it you in confidence--it is a +lock of her Ladyship's hair; here are her letters signed Calista, and +addressed to Eugenio. Here is a poem, "When Sol bedecks the mead with +light, And pallid Cynthia sheds her ray," addressed by her Ladyship to +your humble servant.' + +'Calista! Eugenio! Sol bedecks the mead with light?' cried the young +lord. 'Am I dreaming? Why, my dear Barry, the widow has sent me the +very poem herself! "Rejoicing in the sunshine bright, Or musing in the +evening grey."' + +I could not help laughing as he made the quotation. They were, in +fact, the very words MY Calista had addressed to me. And we found, upon +comparing letters, that whole passages of eloquence figured in the +one correspondence which appeared in the other. See what it is to be a +blue-stocking and have a love of letter-writing! + +The young man put down the papers in great perturbation. 'Well, thank +Heaven!' said he, after a pause of some duration,--'thank Heaven for +a good riddance! Ah, Mr. Barry, what a woman I MIGHT have married had +these lucky papers not come in my way! I thought my Lady Lyndon had a +heart, sir, I must confess, though not a very warm one; and that, at +least, one could TRUST her. But marry her now! I would as lief send +my servant into the street to get me a wife, as put up with such an +Ephesian matron as that.' + +'My Lord George,' said I, 'you little know the world. Remember what a +bad husband Lady Lyndon had, and don't be astonished that she, on her +side, should be indifferent. Nor has she, I will dare to wager, ever +passed beyond the bounds of harmless gallantry, or sinned beyond the +composing of a sonnet or a billet-doux.' + +'My wife,' said the little lord, 'shall write no sonnets or +billets-doux; and I'm heartily glad to think I have obtained, in good +time, a knowledge of the heartless vixen with whom I thought myself for +a moment in love.' + +The wounded young nobleman was either, as I have said, very young and +green in matters of the world--for to suppose that a man would give up +forty thousand a year, because, forsooth, the lady connected with it had +written a few sentimental letters to a young fellow, is too absurd--or, +as I am inclined to believe, he was glad of an excuse to quit the field +altogether, being by no means anxious to meet the victorious sword of +Redmond Barry a second time. + +When the idea of Poynings' danger, or the reproaches probably addressed +by him to the widow regarding myself, had brought this exceedingly weak +and feeble woman up to Dublin, as I expected, and my worthy Ulick had +informed me of her arrival, I quitted my good mother, who was quite +reconciled to me (indeed the duel had done that), and found the +disconsolate Calista was in the habit of paying visits to the wounded +swain; much to the annoyance, the servants told me, of that gentleman. +The English are often absurdly high and haughty upon a point of +punctilio; and, after his kinswoman's conduct, Lord Poynings swore he +would have no more to do with her. + +I had this information from his Lordship's gentleman; with whom, as +I have said, I took particular care to be friends; nor was I denied +admission by his porter, when I chose to call, as before. + +Her Ladyship had most likely bribed that person, as I had; for she had +found her way up, though denied admission; and, in fact, I had watched +her from her own house to Lord George Poynings' lodgings, and seen her +descend from her chair there and enter, before I myself followed her. I +proposed to await her quietly in the ante-room, to make a scene there, +and reproach her with infidelity, if necessary; but matters were, as +it happened, arranged much more conveniently for me; and walking, +unannounced, into the outer room of his Lordship's apartments, I had the +felicity of hearing in the next chamber, of which the door was partially +open, the voice of my Calista. She was in full cry, appealing to the +poor patient, as he lay confined in his bed, and speaking in the most +passionate manner. 'What can lead you, George,' she said, 'to doubt of +my faith? How can you break my heart by casting me off in this monstrous +manner? Do you wish to drive your poor Calista to the grave? Well, well, +I shall join there the dear departed angel.' + +'Who entered it three months since,' said Lord George, with a sneer. +'It's a wonder you have survived so long.' + +'Don't treat your poor Calista in this cruel cruel manner, Antonio!' +cried the widow. + +'Bah!' said Lord George, 'my wound is bad. My doctors forbid me much +talk. Suppose your Antonio tired, my dear. Can't you console yourself +with somebody else?' + +'Heavens, Lord George! Antonio!' + +'Console yourself with Eugenio,' said the young nobleman bitterly, and +began ringing his bell; on which his valet, who was in an inner room, +came out, and he bade him show her Ladyship downstairs. + +Lady Lyndon issued from the room in the greatest flurry. She was dressed +in deep weeds, with a veil over her face, and did not recognise the +person waiting in the outer apartment. As she went down the stairs, I +stepped lightly after her, and as her chairman opened her door, sprang +forward, and took her hand to place her in the vehicle. 'Dearest widow,' +said I, 'his Lordship spoke correctly. Console yourself with Eugenio!' +She was too frightened even to scream, as her chairman carried her away. +She was set down at her house, and you may be sure that I was at the +chair-door, as before, to help her out. + +'Monstrous man!' said she, 'I desire you to leave me.' + +'Madam, it would be against my oath,' replied I; 'recollect the vow +Eugenio sent to Calista.' + +'If you do not quit me, I will call for the domestics to turn you from +the door.' + +'What! when I am come with my Calista's letters in my pocket, to return +them mayhap? You can soothe, madam, but you cannot frighten Redmond +Barry.' + +'What is it you would have of me, sir?' said the widow, rather agitated. + +'Let me come upstairs, and I will tell you all,' I replied; and she +condescended to give me her hand, and to permit me to lead her from her +chair to her drawing-room. + +When we were alone I opened my mind honourably to her. + +'Dearest madam,' said I, 'do not let your cruelty drive a desperate +slave to fatal measures. I adore you. In former days you allowed me to +whisper my passion to you unrestrained; at present you drive me from +your door, leave my letters unanswered, and prefer another to me. My +flesh and blood cannot bear such treatment. Look upon the punishment I +have been obliged to inflict; tremble at that which I may be compelled +to administer to that unfortunate young man: so sure as he marries you, +madam, he dies.' + +'I do not recognise,' said the widow, 'the least right you have to give +the law to the Countess of Lyndon: I do not in the least understand +your threats, or heed them. What has passed between me and an Irish +adventurer that should authorise this impertinent intrusion?' + +'THESE have passed, madam,' said I,--'Calista's letters to Eugenio. They +may have been very innocent; but will the world believe it? You may have +only intended to play with the heart of the poor artless Irish gentleman +who adored and confided in you. But who will believe the stories of your +innocence, against the irrefragable testimony of your own handwriting? +Who will believe that you could write these letters in the mere +wantonness of coquetry, and not under the influence of affection?' + +'Villain!' cried my Lady Lyndon, 'could you dare to construe out of +those idle letters of mine any other meaning than that which they really +bear?' + +'I will construe anything out of them,' said I; 'such is the passion +which animates me towards you. I have sworn it--you must and shall be +mine! Did you ever know me promise to accomplish a thing and fail? Which +will you prefer to have from me--a love such as woman never knew from +man before, or a hatred to which there exists no parallel?' + +'A woman of my rank, sir, can fear nothing from the hatred of an +adventurer like yourself,' replied the lady, drawing up stately. + +'Look at your Poynings--was HE of your rank? You are the cause of that +young man's wound, madam; and, but that the instrument of your savage +cruelty relented, would have been the author of his murder--yes, of his +murder; for, if a wife is faithless, does not she arm the husband who +punishes the seducer! And I look upon you, Honoria Lyndon, as my wife.' + +'Husband? wife, sir!' cried the widow, quite astonished. + +'Yes, wife! husband! I am not one of those poor souls with whom +coquettes can play, and who may afterwards throw them aside. You would +forget what passed between us at Spa: Calista would forget Eugenio; but +I will not let you forget me. You thought to trifle with my heart, did +you? When once moved, Honoria, it is moved for ever. I love you--love as +passionately now as I did when my passion was hopeless; and, now that +I can win you, do you think I will forego you? Cruel cruel Calista! you +little know the power of your own charms if you think their effect is so +easily obliterated--you little know the constancy of this pure and noble +heart if you think that, having once loved, it can ever cease to +adore you. No! I swear by your cruelty that I will revenge it; by your +wonderful beauty that I will win it, and be worthy to win it. Lovely, +fascinating, fickle, cruel woman! you shall be mine--I swear it! Your +wealth may be great; but am I not of a generous nature enough to use it +worthily? Your rank is lofty; but not so lofty as my ambition. You threw +yourself away once on a cold and spiritless debauchee: give yourself +now, Honoria, to a MAN; and one who, however lofty your rank may be, +will enhance it and become it!' + +As I poured words to this effect out on the astonished widow, I stood +over her, and fascinated her with the glance of my eye; saw her turn red +and pale with fear and wonder; saw that my praise of her charms and the +exposition of my passion were not unwelcome to her, and witnessed with +triumphant composure the mastery I was gaining over her. Terror, be sure +of that, is not a bad ingredient of love. A man who wills fiercely to +win the heart of a weak and vapourish woman MUST succeed, if he have +opportunity enough. + +'Terrible man!' said Lady Lyndon, shrinking from me as soon as I had +done speaking (indeed, I was at a loss for words, and thinking of +another speech to make to her)--'terrible man! leave me.' + +I saw that I had made an impression on her, from those very words. 'If +she lets me into the house to-morrow,' said I, 'she is mine.' + +As I went downstairs I put ten guineas into the hand of the hall-porter, +who looked quite astonished at such a gift. + +'It is to repay you for the trouble of opening the door to me,' said I; +'you will have to do so often.' + + + + +CHAPTER XVI. I PROVIDE NOBLY FOR MY FAMILY + +The next day when I went back, my fears were realised: the door was +refused to me--my Lady was not at home. This I knew to be false: I had +watched the door the whole morning from a lodging I took at a house +opposite. + +'Your lady is not out,' said I: 'she has denied me, and I can't, of +course, force my way to her. But listen: you are an Englishman?' 'That +I am,' said the fellow, with an air of the utmost superiority. 'Your +honour could tell that by my HACCENT.' + +I knew he was, and might therefore offer him a bribe. An Irish family +servant in rags, and though his wages were never paid him, would +probably fling the money in your face. + +'Listen, then,' said I. 'Your lady's letters pass through your hands, +don't they? A crown for every one that you bring me to read. There is a +whisky-shop in the next street; bring them there when you go to drink, +and call for me by the name of Dermot.' + +'I recollect your honour at SPAR,' says the fellow, grinning: 'seven's +the main, hey?' and being exceedingly proud of this reminiscence, I bade +my inferior adieu. + +I do not defend this practice of letter-opening in private life, except +in cases of the most urgent necessity: when we must follow the examples +of our betters, the statesmen of all Europe, and, for the sake of a +great good, infringe a little matter of ceremony. My Lady Lyndon's +letters were none the worse for being opened, and a great deal +the better; the knowledge obtained from the perusal of some of her +multifarious epistles enabling me to become intimate with her character +in a hundred ways, and obtain a power over her by which I was not slow +to profit. By the aid of the letters and of my English friend, whom I +always regaled with the best of liquor, and satisfied with presents of +money still more agreeable (I used to put on a livery in order to meet +him, and a red wig, in which it was impossible to know the dashing and +elegant Redmond Barry), I got such an insight into the widow's movements +as astonished her. I knew beforehand to what public places she would +go; they were, on account of her widowhood, but few: and wherever she +appeared, at church or in the park, I was always ready to offer her her +book, or to canter on horseback by the side of her chariot. + +Many of her Ladyship's letters were the most whimsical rodomontades that +ever blue-stocking penned. She was a woman who took up and threw off +a greater number of dear friends than any one I ever knew. To some of +these female darlings she began presently to write about my unworthy +self, and it was with a sentiment of extreme satisfaction I found at +length that the widow was growing dreadfully afraid of me; calling me +her bete noire, her dark spirit, her murderous adorer, and a thousand +other names indicative of her extreme disquietude and terror. It was: +'The wretch has been dogging my chariot through the park,' or, 'my fate +pursued me at church,' and 'my inevitable adorer handed me out of +my chair at the mercer's,' or what not. My wish was to increase this +sentiment of awe in her bosom, and to make her believe that I was a +person from whom escape was impossible. + +To this end I bribed a fortune-teller, whom she consulted along with a +number of the most foolish and distinguished people of Dublin, in those +days; and who, although she went dressed like one of her waiting-women, +did not fail to recognise her real rank, and to describe as her future +husband her persevering adorer Redmond Barry, Esquire. This incident +disturbed her very much. She wrote about it in terms of great wonder +and terror to her female correspondents. 'Can this monster,' she wrote, +'indeed do as he boasts, and bend even Fate to his will?--can he make +me marry him though I cordially detest him, and bring me a slave to +his feet. The horrid look of his black serpent-like eyes fascinates and +frightens me: it seems to follow me everywhere, and even when I close my +own eyes, the dreadful gaze penetrates the lids, and is still upon me.' + +When a woman begins to talk of a man in this way, he is an ass who +does not win her; and, for my part, I used to follow her about, and put +myself in an attitude opposite her, 'and fascinate her with my glance,' +as she said, most assiduously. Lord George Poynings, her former admirer, +was meanwhile keeping his room with his wound, and seemed determined to +give up all claims to her favour; for he denied her admittance when she +called, sent no answer to her multiplied correspondence, and contented +himself by saying generally, that the surgeon had forbidden him to +receive visitors or to answer letters. Thus, while he went into the +background, I came forward, and took good care that no other rivals +should present themselves with any chance of success; for, as soon as I +heard of one, I had a quarrel fastened on him, and, in this way, pinked +two more, besides my first victim Lord George. I always took another +pretext for quarrelling with them than the real one of attention to +Lady Lyndon, so that no scandal or hurt to her Ladyship's feelings might +arise in consequence; but she very well knew what was the meaning of +these duels; and the young fellows of Dublin, too, by laying two and two +together, began to perceive that there was a certain dragon in watch for +the wealthy heiress, and that the dragon must be subdued first before +they could get at the lady. I warrant that, after the first three, not +many champions were found to address the lady; and have often laughed +(in my sleeve) to see many of the young Dublin beaux riding by the side +of her carriage scamper off as soon as my bay-mare and green liveries +made their appearance. + +I wanted to impress her with some great and awful instance of my power, +and to this end had determined to confer a great benefit upon my honest +cousin Ulick, and carry off for him the fair object of his affections, +Miss Kiljoy, under the very eyes of her guardian and friend, Lady +Lyndon; and in the teeth of the squires, the young lady's brothers, who +passed the season at Dublin, and made as much swagger and to-do about +their sister's L10,000 Irish, as if she had had a plum to her fortune. +The girl was by no means averse to Mr. Brady; and it only shows how +faint-spirited some men are, and how a superior genius can instantly +overcome difficulties which to common minds seem insuperable, that he +never had thought of running off with her: as I at once and boldly did. +Miss Kiljoy had been a ward in Chancery until she attained her majority +(before which period it would have been a dangerous matter for me to +put in execution the scheme I meditated concerning her); but, though now +free to marry whom she liked, she was a young lady of timid disposition, +and as much under fear of her brothers and relatives as though she had +not been independent of them. They had some friend of their own in view +for the young lady, and had scornfully rejected the proposal of Ulick +Brady, the ruined gentleman; who was quite unworthy, as these rustic +bucks thought, of the hand of such a prodigiously wealthy heiress as +their sister. + +Finding herself lonely in her great house in Dublin, the Countess of +Lyndon invited her friend Miss Amelia to pass the season with her at +Dublin; and, in a fit of maternal fondness, also sent for her son the +little Bullingdon, and my old acquaintance his governor, to come to +the capital and bear her company. A family coach brought the boy, the +heiress, and the tutor from Castle Lyndon; and I determined to take the +first opportunity of putting my plan in execution. + +For this chance I had not very long to wait. I have said, in a former +chapter of my biography, that the kingdom of Ireland was at this +period ravaged by various parties of banditti; who, under the name +of Whiteboys, Oakboys, Steelboys, with captains at their head, killed +proctors, fired stacks, houghed and maimed cattle, and took the law into +their own hands. One of these bands, or several of them for what I know, +was commanded by a mysterious personage called Captain Thunder; whose +business seemed to be that of marrying people with or without their own +consent, or that of their parents. The Dublin Gazettes and Mercuries +of that period (the year 1772) teem with proclamations from the Lord +Lieutenant, offering rewards for the apprehension of this dreadful +Captain Thunder and his gang, and describing at length various exploits +of the savage aide-de-camp of Hymen. I determined to make use, if not +of the services, at any rate of the name of Captain Thunder, and put my +cousin Ulick in possession of his lady and her ten thousand pounds. She +was no great beauty, and, I presume, it was the money he loved rather +than the owner of it. + +On account of her widowhood, Lady Lyndon could not as yet frequent the +balls and routs which the hospitable nobility of Dublin were in the +custom of giving; but her friend Miss Kiljoy had no such cause for +retirement, and was glad to attend any parties to which she might be +invited. I made Ulick Brady a present of a couple of handsome suits of +velvet, and by my influence procured him an invitation to many of the +most elegant of these assemblies. But he had not had my advantages or +experience of the manners of Court; was as shy with ladies as a young +colt, and could no more dance a minuet than a donkey. He made very +little way in the polite world or in his mistress's heart: in fact, I +could see that she preferred several other young gentlemen to him, who +were more at home in the ball-room than poor Ulick; he had made his +first impression upon the heiress, and felt his first flame for her, in +her father's house of Ballykiljoy, where he used to hunt and get drunk +with the old gentleman. + +'I could do THIM two well enough, anyhow,' Ulick would say, heaving +a sigh; 'and if it's drinking or riding across country would do it, +there's no man in Ireland would have a better chance with Amalia.' + +'Never fear, Ulick,' was my reply; 'you shall have your Amalia, or my +name is not Redmond Barry.' + +My Lord Charlemont--who was one of the most elegant and accomplished +noblemen in Ireland in those days, a fine scholar and wit, a gentleman +who had travelled much abroad, where I had the honour of knowing +him--gave a magnificent masquerade at his house of Marino, some +few miles from Dublin, on the Dunleary road. And it was at this +entertainment that I was determined that Ulick should be made happy for +life. Miss Kiljoy was invited to the masquerade, and the little Lord +Bullingdon, who longed to witness such a scene; and it was agreed that +he was to go under the guardianship of his governor, my old friend the +Reverend Mr. Runt. I learned what was the equipage in which the party +were to be conveyed to the ball, and took my measures accordingly. + +Ulick Brady was not present: his fortune and quality were not sufficient +to procure him an invitation to so distinguished a place, and I had +it given out three days previous that he had been arrested for debt: a +rumour which surprised nobody who knew him. + +I appeared that night in a character with which I was very familiar, +that of a private soldier in the King of Prussia's guard. I had a +grotesque mask made, with an immense nose and moustaches, talked +a jumble of broken English and German, in which the latter greatly +predominated; and had crowds round me laughing at my droll accent, and +whose curiosity was increased by a knowledge of my previous history. +Miss Kiljoy was attired as an antique princess, with little Bullingdon +as a page of the times of chivalry; his hair was in powder, his doublet +rose-colour, and pea-green and silver, and he looked very handsome and +saucy as he strutted about with my sword by his side. As for Mr. Runt, +he walked about very demurely in a domino, and perpetually paid his +respects to the buffet, and ate enough cold chicken and drank enough +punch and champagne to satisfy a company of grenadiers. + +The Lord Lieutenant came and went in state-the ball was magnificent. +Miss Kiljoy had partners in plenty, among whom was myself, who walked +a minuet with her (if the clumsy waddling of the Irish heiress may be +called by such a name); and I took occasion to plead my passion for Lady +Lyndon in the most pathetic terms, and to beg her friend's interference +in my favour. + +It was three hours past midnight when the party for Lyndon House went +away. Little Bullingdon had long since been asleep in one of Lady +Charlemont's china closets. Mr. Runt was exceedingly husky in talk, and +unsteady in gait. A young lady of the present day would be alarmed to +see a gentleman in such a condition; but it was a common sight in those +jolly old times, when a gentleman was thought a milksop unless he was +occasionally tipsy. I saw Miss Kiljoy to her carriage, with several +other gentlemen: and, peering through the crowd of ragged linkboys, +drivers, beggars, drunken men and women, who used invariably to wait +round great men's doors when festivities were going on, saw the carriage +drive off, with a hurrah from the mob; then came back presently to the +supper-room, where I talked German, favoured the three or four topers +still there with a High-Dutch chorus, and attacked the dishes and wine +with great resolution. + +'How can you drink aisy with that big nose on?' said one gentleman. + +'Go an be hangt!' said I, in the true accent, applying myself again +to the wine; with which the others laughed, and I pursued my supper in +silence. + +There was a gentleman present who had seen the Lyndon party go off, with +whom I had made a bet, which I lost; and the next morning I called upon +him and paid it him. All which particulars the reader will be surprised +at hearing enumerated; but the fact is, that it was not I who went back +to the party, but my late German valet, who was of my size, and, +dressed in my mask, could perfectly pass for me. We changed clothes in +a hackney-coach that stood near Lady Lyndon's chariot, and driving after +it, speedily overtook it. + +The fated vehicle which bore the lovely object of Ulick Brady's +affections had not advanced very far, when, in the midst of a deep rut +in the road, it came suddenly to with a jolt; the footman, springing off +the back, cried 'Stop!' to the coachman, warning him that a wheel +was off, and that it would be dangerous to proceed with only three. +Wheel-caps had not been invented in those days, as they have since been +by the ingenious builders of Long Acre. And how the linch-pin of the +wheel had come out I do not pretend to say; but it possibly may have +been extracted by some rogues among the crowd before Lord Charlemont's +gate. + +Miss Kiljoy thrust her head out of the window, screaming as ladies +do; Mr. Runt the chaplain woke up from his boozy slumbers; and little +Bullingdon, starting up and drawing his little sword, said, 'Don't be +afraid, Miss Amelia: if it's footpads, I am armed.' The young rascal had +the spirit of a lion, that's the truth; as I must acknowledge, in spite +of all my after quarrels with him. + +The hackney-coach which had been following Lady Lyndon's chariot by this +time came up, and the coachman seeing the disaster, stepped down from +his box, and politely requested her Ladyship's honour to enter his +vehicle; which was as clean and elegant as any person of tiptop quality +might desire. This invitation was, after a minute or two, accepted by +the passengers of the chariot: the hackney-coachman promising to drive +them to Dublin 'in a hurry.' Thady, the valet, proposed to accompany +his young master and the young lady; and the coachman, who had a friend +seemingly drunk by his side on the box, with a grin told Thady to get +up behind. However, as the footboard there was covered with spikes, as +a defence against the street-boys, who love a ride gratis, Thady's +fidelity would not induce him to brave these; and he was persuaded +to remain by the wounded chariot, for which he and the coachman +manufactured a linch-pin out of a neighbouring hedge. + +Meanwhile, although the hackney-coachman drove on rapidly, yet the party +within seemed to consider it was a long distance from Dublin; and what +was Miss Kiljoy's astonishment, on looking out of the window at length, +to see around her a lonely heath, with no signs of buildings or city. +She began forthwith to scream out to the coachman to stop; but the man +only whipped the horses the faster for her noise, and bade her Ladyship +'hould on--'twas a short cut he was taking.' + +Miss Kiljoy continued screaming, the coachman flogging, the horses +galloping, until two or three men appeared suddenly from a hedge, to +whom the fair one cried for assistance; and the young Bullingdon opening +the coach-door, jumped valiantly out, toppling over head and heels as +he fell; but jumping up in an instant, he drew his little sword, and, +running towards the carriage, exclaimed, 'This way, gentlemen! stop the +rascal!' + +'Stop!' cried the men; at which the coachman pulled up with +extraordinary obedience. Runt all the while lay tipsy in the carriage, +having only a dreamy half-consciousness of all that was going on. + +The newly arrived champions of female distress now held a consultation, +in which they looked at the young lord and laughed considerably. + +'Do not be alarmed,' said the leader, coming up to the door; 'one of my +people shall mount the box by the side of that treacherous rascal, and, +with your Ladyship's leave, I and my companions will get in and see you +home. We are well armed, and can defend you in case of danger.' + +With this, and without more ado, he jumped into the carriage, his +companion following him. + +'Know your place, fellow!' cried out little Bullingdon indignantly: 'and +give place to the Lord Viscount Bullingdon!' and put himself before the +huge person of the new-comer, who was about to enter the hackney-coach. + +'Get out of that, my Lord,' said the man, in a broad brogue, and shoving +him aside. On which the boy, crying 'Thieves! thieves!' drew out his +little hanger, and ran at the man, and would have wounded him (for a +small sword will wound as well as a great one); but his opponent, who +was armed with a long stick, struck the weapon luckily out of the lad's +hands: it went flying over his head, and left him aghast and mortified +at his discomfiture. + +He then pulled off his hat, making his Lordship a low bow, and entered +the carriage; the door of which was shut upon him by his confederate, +who was to mount the box. Miss Kiljoy might have screamed; but I presume +her shrieks were stopped by the sight of an enormous horse-pistol which +one of her champions produced, who said, 'No harm is intended you, +ma'am, but if you cry out, we must gag you;' on which she suddenly +became as mute as a fish. + +All these events took place in an exceedingly short space of time; and +when the three invaders had taken possession of the carriage, the poor +little Bullingdon being left bewildered and astonished on the heath, one +of them putting his head out of the window, said,-- + +'My Lord, a word with you.' + +'What is it?' said the boy, beginning to whimper: he was but eleven +years old, and his courage had been excellent hitherto. + +'You are only two miles from Marino. Walk back till you come to a big +stone, there turn to the right, and keep on straight till you get to the +high-road, when you will easily find your way back. And when you see her +Ladyship your mamma, give CAPTAIN THUNDER'S compliments, and say Miss +Amelia Kiljoy is going to be married.' + +'O heavens!' sighed out that young lady. + +The carriage drove swiftly on, and the poor little nobleman was left +alone on the heath, just as the morning began to break. He was fairly +frightened; and no wonder. He thought of running after the coach; but +his courage and his little legs failed him: so he sat down upon a stone +and cried for vexation. + +It was in this way that Ulick Brady made what I call a Sabine marriage. +When he halted with his two groomsmen at the cottage where the ceremony +was to be performed, Mr. Runt, the chaplain, at first declined to +perform it. But a pistol was held at the head of that unfortunate +preceptor, and he was told, with dreadful oaths, that his miserable +brains would be blown out; when he consented to read the service. The +lovely Amelia had, very likely, a similar inducement held out to her, +but of that I know nothing; for I drove back to town with the coachman +as soon as we had set the bridal party down, and had the satisfaction +of finding Fritz, my German, arrived before me: he had come back in my +carriage in my dress, having left the masquerade undiscovered, and done +everything there according to my orders. + +Poor Runt came back the next day in a piteous plight, keeping silence as +to his share in the occurrences of the evening, and with a dismal story +of having been drunk, of having been waylaid and bound, of having been +left on the road and picked up by a Wicklow cart, which was coming in +with provisions to Dublin, and found him helpless on the road. There was +no possible means of fixing any share of the conspiracy upon him. Little +Bullingdon, who, too, found his way home, was unable in any way to +identify me. But Lady Lyndon knew that I was concerned in the plot, for +I met her hurrying the next day to the Castle; all the town being up +about the enlevement. And I saluted her with a smile so diabolical, +that I knew she was aware that I had been concerned in the daring and +ingenious scheme. + +Thus it was that I repaid Ulick Brady's kindness to me in early days; +and had the satisfaction of restoring the fallen fortunes of a deserving +branch of my family. He took his bride into Wicklow, where he lived +with her in the strictest seclusion until the affair was blown over; the +Kiljoys striving everywhere in vain to discover his retreat. They did +not for a while even know who was the lucky man who had carried off +the heiress; nor was it until she wrote a letter some weeks afterwards, +signed Amelia Brady, and expressing perfect happiness in her new +condition, and stating that she had been married by Lady Lyndon's +chaplain Mr. Runt, that the truth was known, and my worthy friend +confessed his share of the transaction. As his good-natured mistress +did not dismiss him from his post in consequence, everybody persisted in +supposing that poor Lady Lyndon was privy to the plot; and the story of +her Ladyship's passionate attachment for me gained more and more credit. + +I was not slow, you may be sure, in profiting by these rumours. Every +one thought I had a share in the Brady marriage; though no one could +prove it. Every one thought I was well with the widowed Countess; though +no one could show that I said so. But there is a way of proving a thing +even while you contradict it, and I used to laugh and joke so apropos +that all men began to wish me joy of my great fortune, and look up to +me as the affianced husband of the greatest heiress in the kingdom. +The papers took up the matter; the female friends of Lady Lyndon +remonstrated with her and cried 'Fie!' Even the English journals and +magazines, which in those days were very scandalous, talked of the +matter; and whispered that a beautiful and accomplished widow, with +a title and the largest possessions in the two kingdoms, was about to +bestow her hand upon a young gentleman of high birth and fashion, who +had distinguished himself in the service of His M-----y the K--- of +Pr----. I won't say who was the author of these paragraphs; or how +two pictures, one representing myself under the title of 'The Prussian +Irishman,' and the other Lady Lyndon as 'The Countess of Ephesus,' +actually appeared in the Town and Country Magazine, published at London, +and containing the fashionable tittle-tattle of the day. + +Lady Lyndon was so perplexed and terrified by this continual hold upon +her, that she determined to leave the country. Well, she did; and +who was the first to receive her on landing at Holyhead? Your humble +servant, Redmond Barry, Esquire. And, to crown all, the Dublin Mercury, +which announced her Ladyship's departure, announced mine THE DAY BEFORE. +There was not a soul but thought she had followed me to England; whereas +she was only flying me. Vain hope!--a man of my resolution was not thus +to be balked in pursuit. Had she fled to the antipodes, I would have +been there: ay, and would have followed her as far as Orpheus did +Eurydice! + +Her Ladyship had a house in Berkeley Square, London, more splendid than +that which she possessed in Dublin; and, knowing that she would come +thither, I preceded her to the English capital, and took handsome +apartments in Hill Street, hard by. I had the same intelligence in her +London house which I had procured in Dublin. The same faithful porter +was there to give me all the information I required. I promised to +treble his wages as soon as a certain event should happen. I won over +Lady Lyndon's companion by a present of a hundred guineas down, and a +promise of two thousand when I should be married, and gained the +favours of her favourite lady's-maid by a bribe of similar magnitude. My +reputation had so far preceded me in London that, on my arrival, numbers +of the genteel were eager to receive me at their routs. We have no idea +in this humdrum age what a gay and splendid place London was then: what +a passion for play there was among young and old, male and female; what +thousands were lost and won in a night; what beauties there were--how +brilliant, gay, and dashing! Everybody was delightfully wicked: the +Royal Dukes of Gloucester and Cumberland set the example; the nobles +followed close behind. Running away was the fashion. Ah! it was a +pleasant time; and lucky was he who had fire, and youth, and money, and +could live in it! I had all these; and the old frequenters of 'White's,' +'Wattier's,' and 'Goosetree's' could tell stories of the gallantry, +spirit, and high fashion of Captain Barry. + +The progress of a love-story is tedious to all those who are not +concerned, and I leave such themes to the hack novel-writers, and the +young boarding-school misses for whom they write. It is not my intention +to follow, step by step, the incidents of my courtship, or to narrate +all the difficulties I had to contend with, and my triumphant manner of +surmounting them. Suffice it to say, I DID overcome these difficulties. +I am of opinion, with my friend the late ingenious Mr. Wilkes, that such +impediments are nothing in the way of a man of spirit; and that he can +convert indifference and aversion into love, if he have perseverance and +cleverness sufficient. By the time the Countess's widowhood was expired, +I had found means to be received into her house; I had her women +perpetually talking in my favour, vaunting my powers, expatiating +upon my reputation, and boasting of my success and popularity in the +fashionable world. + +Also, the best friends I had in the prosecution of my tender suit were +the Countess's noble relatives; who were far from knowing the service +that they did me, and to whom I beg leave to tender my heartfelt thanks +for the abuse with which they then loaded me! and to whom I fling +my utter contempt for the calumny and hatred with which they have +subsequently pursued me. + +The chief of these amiable persons was the Marchioness of Tiptoff, +mother of the young gentleman whose audacity I had punished at Dublin. +This old harridan, on the Countess's first arrival in London, +waited upon her, and favoured her with such a storm of abuse for her +encouragement of me, that I do believe she advanced my cause more than +six months' courtship could have done, or the pinking of a half-dozen +of rivals. It was in vain that poor Lady Lyndon pleaded her entire +innocence and vowed she had never encouraged me. 'Never encouraged him!' +screamed out the old fury; 'didn't you encourage the wretch at Spa, +during Sir Charles's own life? Didn't you marry a dependant of yours to +one of this profligate's bankrupt cousins? When he set off for England, +didn't you follow him like a mad woman the very next day? Didn't he +take lodgings at your very door almost--and do you call this no +encouragement? For shame, madam, shame! You might have married my +son--my dear and noble George; but that he did not choose to interfere +with your shameful passion for the beggarly upstart whom you caused to +assassinate him; and the only counsel I have to give your Ladyship +is this, to legitimatise the ties which you have contracted with this +shameless adventurer; to make that connection legal which, real as it is +now, is against both decency and religion; and to spare your family and +your son the shame of your present line of life.' + +With this the old fury of a marchioness left the room, and Lady Lyndon +in tears: I had the whole particulars of the conversation from her +Ladyship's companion, and augured the best result from it in my favour. + +Thus, by the sage influence of my Lady Tiptoff, the Countess of Lyndon's +natural friends and family were kept from her society. Even when Lady +Lyndon went to Court the most august lady in the realm received her with +such marked coldness, that the unfortunate widow came home and took to +her bed with vexation. And thus I may say that Royalty itself became +an agent in advancing my suit, and helping the plans of the poor Irish +soldier of fortune. So it is that Fate works with agents, great and +small; and by means over which they have no control the destinies of men +and women are accomplished. + +I shall always consider the conduct of Mrs. Bridget (Lady Lyndon's +favourite maid at this juncture) as a masterpiece of ingenuity: and, +indeed, had such an opinion of her diplomatic skill, that the very +instant I became master of the Lyndon estates, and paid her the promised +sum--I am a man of honour, and rather than not keep my word with the +woman, I raised the money of the Jews, at an exorbitant interest--as +soon, I say, as I achieved my triumph, I took Mrs. Bridget by the hand, +and said, "Madam, you have shown such unexampled fidelity in my service +that I am glad to reward you, according to my promise; but you have +given proofs of such extraordinary cleverness and dissimulation, that +I must decline keeping you in Lady Lyndon's establishment, and beg +you will leave it this very day:" which she did, and went over to the +Tiptoff faction, and has abused me ever since. + +But I must tell you what she did which was so clever. Why, it was the +simplest thing in the world, as all master-strokes are. When Lady +Lyndon lamented her fate and my--as she was pleased to call it--shameful +treatment of her, Mrs. Bridget said, 'Why should not your Ladyship write +this young gentleman word of the evil which he is causing you? Appeal to +his feelings (which, I have heard say, are very good indeed--the whole +town is ringing with accounts of his spirit and generosity), and beg him +to desist from a pursuit which causes the best of ladies so much pain? +Do, my Lady, write: I know your style is so elegant that I, for my part, +have many a time burst into tears in reading your charming letters, and +I have no doubt Mr. Barry will sacrifice anything rather than hurt your +feelings.' And, of course, the abigail swore to the fact. + +'Do you think so, Bridget?' said her Ladyship. And my mistress forthwith +penned me a letter, in her most fascinating and winning manner:--'Why, +sir,' wrote she, 'will you pursue me? why environ me in a web of +intrigue so frightful that my spirit sinks under it, seeing escape is +hopeless from your frightful, your diabolical art? They say you are +generous to others--be so to me. I know your bravery but too well: +exercise it on men who can meet your sword, not on a poor feeble woman, +who cannot resist you. Remember the friendship you once professed +for me. And now, I beseech you, I implore you, to give a proof of it. +Contradict the calumnies which you have spread against me, and repair, +if you can, and if you have a spark of honour left, the miseries which +you have caused to the heart-broken + +'H. LYNDON.' + + +What was this letter meant for but that I should answer it in person? My +excellent ally told me where I should meet Lady Lyndon, and accordingly +I followed, and found her at the Pantheon. I repeated the scene at +Dublin over again; showed her how prodigious my power was, humble as +I was, and that my energy was still untired. 'But,' I added, 'I am as +great in good as I am in evil; as fond and faithful as a friend as I am +terrible as an enemy. I will do everything,' I said, 'which you ask of +me, except when you bid me not to love you. That is beyond my power; and +while my heart has a pulse I must follow you. It is MY fate; your fate. +Cease to battle against it, and be mine. Loveliest of your sex! with +life alone can end my passion for you; and, indeed, it is only by dying +at your command that I can be brought to obey you. Do you wish me to +die?' + +She said, laughing (for she was a woman of a lively, humorous turn), +that she did not wish me to commit self-murder; and I felt from that +moment that she was mine. + +***** + +A year from that day, on the 15th of May, in the year 1773, I had the +honour and happiness to lead to the altar Honoria, Countess of Lyndon, +widow of the late Right Honourable Sir Charles Lyndon, K.B. The ceremony +was performed at St. George's, Hanover Square, by the Reverend Samuel +Runt, her Ladyship's chaplain. A magnificent supper and ball was given +at our house in Berkeley Square, and the next morning I had a duke, four +earls, three generals, and a crowd of the most distinguished people +in London at my LEVEE. Walpole made a lampoon about the marriage, and +Selwyn cut jokes at the 'Cocoa-Tree.' Old Lady Tiptoff, although she had +recommended it, was ready to bite off her fingers with vexation; and as +for young Bullingdon, who was grown a tall lad of fourteen, when called +upon by the Countess to embrace his papa, he shook his fist in my face +and said, 'HE my father! I would as soon call one of your Ladyship's +footmen Papa!' + +But I could afford to laugh at the rage of the boy and the old woman, +and at the jokes of the wits of St. James's. I sent off a flaming +account of our nuptials to my mother and my uncle the good Chevalier; +and now, arrived at the pitch of prosperity, and having, at thirty years +of age, by my own merits and energy, raised myself to one of the highest +social positions that any man in England could occupy, I determined to +enjoy myself as became a man of quality for the remainder of my life. + +After we had received the congratulations of our friends in London--for +in those days people were not ashamed of being married, as they seem +to be now--I and Honoria (who was all complacency, and a most handsome, +sprightly, and agreeable companion) set off to visit our estates in the +West of England, where I had never as yet set foot. We left London in +three chariots, each with four horses; and my uncle would have been +pleased could he have seen painted on their panels the Irish crown and +the ancient coat of the Barrys beside the Countess's coronet and the +noble cognisance of the noble family of Lyndon. + +Before quitting London, I procured His Majesty's gracious permission to +add the name of my lovely lady to my own; and henceforward assumed +the style and title of BARRY LYNDON, as I have written it in this +autobiography. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII. I APPEAR AS AN ORNAMENT OF ENGLISH SOCIETY + +All the journey down to Hackton Castle, the largest and most ancient of +our ancestral seats in Devonshire, was performed with the slow and sober +state becoming people of the first quality in the realm. An outrider in +my livery went on before us, and bespoke our lodging from town to town; +and thus we lay in state at Andover, Ilminster, and Exeter; and the +fourth evening arrived in time for supper before the antique baronial +mansion, of which the gate was in an odious Gothic taste that would have +set Mr. Walpole wild with pleasure. + +The first days of a marriage are commonly very trying; and I have known +couples, who lived together like turtle-doves for the rest of their +lives, peck each other's eyes out almost during the honeymoon. I did not +escape the common lot; in our journey westward my Lady Lyndon chose to +quarrel with me because I pulled out a pipe of tobacco (the habit of +smoking which I had acquired in Germany when a soldier in Billow's, and +could never give it over), and smoked it in the carriage; and also her +Ladyship chose to take umbrage both at Ilminster and Andover, because +in the evenings when we lay there I chose to invite the landlords of +the 'Bell' and the 'Lion' to crack a bottle with me. Lady Lyndon was +a haughty woman, and I hate pride; and I promise you that in both +instances I overcame this vice in her. On the third day of our journey +I had her to light my pipematch with her own hands, and made her deliver +it to me with tears in her eyes; and at the 'Swan Inn' at Exeter I had +so completely subdued her, that she asked me humbly whether I would not +wish the landlady as well as the host to step up to dinner with us. To +this I should have had no objection, for, indeed, Mrs. Bonnyface was a +very good-looking woman; but we expected a visit from my Lord Bishop, +a kinsman of Lady Lyndon, and the BIENSEANCES did not permit the +indulgence of my wife's request. I appeared with her at evening service, +to compliment our right reverend cousin, and put her name down for +twenty-five guineas, and my own for one hundred, to the famous new organ +which was then being built for the cathedral. This conduct, at the very +outset of my career in the county, made me not a little popular; and +the residentiary canon, who did me the favour to sup with me at the inn, +went away after the sixth bottle, hiccuping the most solemn vows for the +welfare of such a p-p-pious gentleman. + +Before we reached Hackton Castle, we had to drive through ten miles of +the Lyndon estates, where the people were out to visit us, the church +bells set a-ringing, the parson and the farmers assembled in their best +by the roadside, and the school children and the labouring people were +loud in their hurrahs for her Ladyship. I flung money among these worthy +characters, stopped to bow and chat with his reverence and the farmers, +and if I found that the Devonshire girls were among the handsomest in +the kingdom is it my fault? These remarks my Lady Lyndon especially +would take in great dudgeon; and I do believe she was made more angry by +my admiration of the red cheeks of Miss Betsy Quarringdon of Clumpton, +than by any previous speech or act of mine in the journey. 'Ah, ah, my +fine madam, you are jealous, are you?' thought I, and reflected, not +without deep sorrow, how lightly she herself had acted in her husband's +lifetime, and that those are most jealous who themselves give most cause +for jealousy. + +Round Hackton village the scene of welcome was particularly gay: a band +of music had been brought from Plymouth, and arches and flags had been +raised, especially before the attorney's and the doctor's houses, who +were both in the employ of the family. There were many hundreds of stout +people at the great lodge, which, with the park-wall, bounds one side of +Hackton Green, and from which, for three miles, goes (or rather went) an +avenue of noble elms up to the towers of the old castle. I wished they +had been oak when I cut the trees down in '79, for they would have +fetched three times the money: I know nothing more culpable than the +carelessness of ancestors in planting their grounds with timber of small +value, when they might just as easily raise oak. Thus I have always said +that the Roundhead Lyndon of Hackton, who planted these elms in Charles +II.'s time, cheated me of ten thousand pounds. + +For the first few days after our arrival, my time was agreeably spent +in receiving the visits of the nobility and gentry who came to pay their +respects to the noble new-married couple, and, like Bluebeard's wife +in the fairy tale, in inspecting the treasures, the furniture, and the +numerous chambers of the castle. It is a huge old place, built as far +back as Henry V.'s time, besieged and battered by the Cromwellians in +the Revolution, and altered and patched up, in an odious old-fashioned +taste, by the Roundhead Lyndon, who succeeded to the property at the +death of a brother whose principles were excellent and of the true +Cavalier sort, but who ruined himself chiefly by drinking, dicing, and +a dissolute life, and a little by supporting the King. The castle stands +in a fine chase, which was prettily speckled over with deer; and I can't +but own that my pleasure was considerable at first, as I sat in the oak +parlour of summer evenings, with the windows open, the gold and silver +plate shining in a hundred dazzling colours on the side-boards, a dozen +jolly companions round the table, and could look out over the wide green +park and the waving woods, and see the sun setting on the lake, and hear +the deer calling to one another. + +The exterior was, when I first arrived, a quaint composition of all +sorts of architecture; of feudal towers, and gable-ends in Queen Bess's +style, and rough-patched walls built up to repair the ravages of the +Roundhead cannon: but I need not speak of this at large, having had the +place new-faced at a vast expense, under a fashionable architect, and +the facade laid out in the latest French-Greek and most classical style. +There had been moats, and drawbridges, and outer walls; these I had +shaved away into elegant terraces, and handsomely laid out in parterres +according to the plans of Monsieur Cornichon, the great Parisian +architect, who visited England for the purpose. + +After ascending the outer steps, you entered an antique hall of vast +dimensions, wainscoted with black carved oak, and ornamented with +portraits of our ancestors: from the square beard of Brook Lyndon, the +great lawyer in Queen Bess's time, to the loose stomacher and ringlets +of Lady Saccharissa Lyndon, whom Vandyck painted when she was a maid of +honour to Queen Henrietta Maria, and down to Sir Charles Lyndon, with +his riband as a knight of the Bath; and my Lady, painted by Hudson, in +a white satin sack and the family diamonds, as she was presented to +the old King George II. These diamonds were very fine: I first had +them reset by Boehmer when we appeared before their French Majesties at +Versailles; and finally raised L18,000 upon them, after that infernal +run of ill luck at 'Goosetree's,' when Jemmy Twitcher (as we called +my Lord Sandwich), Carlisle, Charley Fox, and I played hombre for +four-and-forty hours SANS DESEMPARER. Bows and pikes, huge stag-heads +and hunting implements, and rusty old suits of armour, that may have +been worn in the days of Gog and Magog for what I know, formed the other +old ornaments of this huge apartment; and were ranged round a fireplace +where you might have turned a coach-and-six. This I kept pretty much in +its antique condition, but had the old armour eventually turned out +and consigned to the lumber-rooms upstairs; replacing it with china +monsters, gilded settees from France, and elegant marbles, of which the +broken noses and limbs, and ugliness, undeniably proved their antiquity: +and which an agent purchased for me at Rome. But such was the taste +of the times (and, perhaps, the rascality of my agent), that thirty +thousand pounds' worth of these gems of art only went for three hundred +guineas at a subsequent period, when I found it necessary to raise money +on my collections. + +From this main hall branched off on either side the long series of +state-rooms, poorly furnished with high-backed chairs and long queer +Venice glasses, when first I came to the property; but afterwards +rendered so splendid by me, with the gold damasks of Lyons and the +magnificent Gobelin tapestries I won from Richelieu at play. There +were thirty-six bedrooms DE MAITRE, of which I only kept three in their +antique condition,--the haunted room as it was called, where the murder +was done in James II.'s time, the bed where William slept after +landing at Torbay, and Queen Elizabeth's state-room. All the rest were +redecorated by Cornichon in the most elegant taste; not a little to the +scandal of some of the steady old country dowagers; for I had pictures +of Boucher and Vanloo to decorate the principal apartments, in which the +Cupids and Venuses were painted in a manner so natural, that I recollect +the old wizened Countess of Frumpington pinning over the curtains of her +bed, and sending her daughter, Lady Blanche Whalebone, to sleep with her +waiting-woman, rather than allow her to lie in a chamber hung all over +with looking-glasses, after the exact fashion of the Queen's closet at +Versailles. + +For many of these ornaments I was not so much answerable as Cornichon, +whom Lauraguais lent me, and who was the intendant of my buildings +during my absence abroad. I had given the man CARTE BLANCHE, and when he +fell down and broke his leg, as he was decorating a theatre in the room +which had been the old chapel of the castle, the people of the +country thought it was a judgment of Heaven upon him. In his rage for +improvement the fellow dared anything. Without my orders he cut down +an old rookery which was sacred in the country, and had a prophecy +regarding it, stating, 'When the rook-wood shall fall, down goes Hackton +Hall.' The rooks went over and colonised Tiptoff Woods, which lay near +us (and be hanged to them!), and Cornichon built a temple to Venus and +two lovely fountains on their site. Venuses and Cupids were the rascal's +adoration: he wanted to take down the Gothic screen and place Cupids in +our pew there; but old Doctor Huff the rector came out with a large oak +stick, and addressed the unlucky architect in Latin, of which he did not +comprehend a word, yet made him understand that he would break his +bones if he laid a single finger upon the sacred edifice. Cornichon +made complaints about the 'Abbe Huff,' as he called him. ('Et quel abbe, +grand Dieu!' added he, quite bewildered, 'un abbe avec douze enfans'); +but I encouraged the Church in this respect, and bade Cornichon exert +his talents only in the castle. + +There was a magnificent collection of ancient plate, to which I added +much of the most splendid modern kind; a cellar which, however well +furnished, required continual replenishing, and a kitchen which I +reformed altogether. My friend, Jack Wilkes, sent me down a cook from +the Mansion House, for the English cookery,--the turtle and venison +department: I had a CHEF (who called out the Englishman, by the way, and +complained sadly of the GROS COCHON who wanted to meet him with COUPS DE +POING) and a couple of AIDES from Paris, and an Italian confectioner, +as my OFFICIERS DE BOUCHE. All which natural appendages to a man of +fashion, the odious, stingy old Tiptoff, my kinsman and neighbour, +affected to view with horror; and he spread through the country a report +that I had my victuals cooked by Papists, lived upon frogs, and, he +verily believed, fricasseed little children. + +But the squires ate my dinners very readily for all that, and old Doctor +Huff himself was compelled to allow that my venison and turtle were +most orthodox. The former gentry I knew how to conciliate, too, in +other ways. There had been only a subscription pack of fox-hounds in +the county and a few beggarly couples of mangy beagles, with which old +Tiptoff pattered about his grounds; I built a kennel and stables, +which cost L30,000, and stocked them in a manner which was worthy of +my ancestors, the Irish kings. I had two packs of hounds, and took +the field in the season four times a week, with three gentlemen in +my hunt-uniform to follow me, and open house at Hackton for all who +belonged to the hunt. + +These changes and this train de vivre required, as may be supposed, no +small outlay; and I confess that I have little of that base spirit of +economy in my composition which some people practise and admire. For +instance, old Tiptoff was hoarding up his money to repair his father's +extravagance and disencumber his estates; a good deal of the money +with which he paid off his mortgages my agent procured upon mine. And, +besides, it must be remembered I had only a life-interest upon the +Lyndon property, was always of an easy temper in dealing with the +money-brokers, and had to pay heavily for insuring her Ladyship's life. + +At the end of a year Lady Lyndon presented me with a son--Bryan Lyndon +I called him, in compliment to my royal ancestry: but what more had I to +leave him than a noble name? Was not the estate of his mother entailed +upon the odious little Turk, Lord Bullingdon? and whom, by the way, I +have not mentioned as yet, though he was living at Hackton, consigned to +a new governor. The insubordination of that boy was dreadful. He used +to quote passages of 'Hamlet' to his mother, which made her very angry. +Once when I took a horsewhip to chastise him, he drew a knife, and would +have stabbed me: and, 'faith, I recollected my own youth, which was +pretty similar; and, holding out my hand, burst out laughing, and +proposed to him to be friends. We were reconciled for that time, and +the next, and the next; but there was no love lost between us, and his +hatred for me seemed to grow as he grew, which was apace. + +I determined to endow my darling boy Bryan with a property, and to this +end cut down twelve thousand pounds' worth of timber on Lady Lyndon's +Yorkshire and Irish estates: at which proceeding Bullingdon's guardian, +Tiptoff, cried out, as usual, and swore I had no right to touch a +stick of the trees; but down they went; and I commissioned my mother to +repurchase the ancient lands of Ballybarry and Barryogue, which had once +formed part of the immense possessions of my house. These she bought +back with excellent prudence and extreme joy; for her heart was +gladdened at the idea that a son was born to my name, and with the +notion of my magnificent fortunes. + +To say truth, I was rather afraid, now that I lived in a very different +sphere from that in which she was accustomed to move, lest she should +come to pay me a visit, and astonish my English friends by her bragging +and her brogue, her rouge and her old hoops and furbelows of the time +of George II.: in which she had figured advantageously in her youth, and +which she still fondly thought to be at the height of the fashion. So +I wrote to her, putting off her visit; begging her to visit us when +the left wing of the castle was finished, or the stables built, and so +forth. There was no need of such precaution. 'A hint's enough for me, +Redmond,' the old lady would reply. 'I am not coming to disturb you +among your great English friends with my old-fashioned Irish ways. It's +a blessing to me to think that my darling boy has attained the position +which I always knew was his due, and for which I pinched myself to +educate him. You must bring me the little Bryan, that his grandmother +may kiss him, one day. Present my respectful blessing to her Ladyship +his mamma. Tell her she has got a treasure in her husband, which she +couldn't have had had she taken a duke to marry her; and that the Barrys +and the Bradys, though without titles, have the best of blood in their +veins. I shall never rest until I see you Earl of Ballybarry, and my +grandson Lord Viscount Barryogue.' + +How singular it was that the very same ideas should be passing in my +mother's mind and my own! The very title she had pitched upon had also +been selected (naturally enough) by me; and I don't mind confessing that +I had filled a dozen sheets of paper with my signature, under the +names of Ballybarry and Barryogue, and had determined with my usual +impetuosity to carry my point. My mother went and established herself +at Ballybarry, living with the priest there until a tenement could be +erected, and dating from 'Ballybarry Castle;' which, you may be sure, +I gave out to be a place of no small importance. I had a plan of the +estate in my study, both at Hackton and in Berkeley Square, and the +plans of the elevation of Ballybarry Castle, the ancestral residence of +Barry Lyndon, Esq., with the projected improvements, in which the castle +was represented as about the size of Windsor, with more ornaments to +the architecture; and eight hundred acres of bog falling in handy, I +purchased them at three pounds an acre, so that my estate upon the map +looked to be no insignificant one. [Footnote: On the strength of this +estate, and pledging his honour that it was not mortgaged, Mr. Barry +Lyndon borrowed L17,000 in the year 1786, from young Captain Pigeon, the +city merchant's son, who had just come in for his property. At for the +Polwellan estate and mines, 'the cause of endless litigation,' it must +be owned that our hero purchased them; but he never paid more than the +first L5000 of the purchase-money. Hence the litigation of which he +complains, and the famous Chancery suit of 'Trecothick v. Lyndon,' in +which Mr. John Scott greatly distinguished himself.-ED.] + +I also in this year made arrangements for purchasing the Polwellan +estate and mines in Cornwall from Sir John Trecothick, for L70,000--an +imprudent bargain, which was afterwards the cause to me of much dispute +and litigation. The troubles of property, the rascality of agents, the +quibbles of lawyers, are endless. Humble people envy us great men, and +fancy that our lives are all pleasure. Many a time in the course of my +prosperity I have sighed for the days of my meanest fortune, and envied +the boon companions at my table, with no clothes to their backs but +such as my credit supplied them, without a guinea but what came from +my pocket; but without one of the harassing cares and responsibilities +which are the dismal adjuncts of great rank and property. + +I did little more than make my appearance, and assume the command of my +estates, in the kingdom of Ireland; rewarding generously those persons +who had been kind to me in my former adversities, and taking my fitting +place among the aristocracy of the land. But, in truth, I had small +inducements to remain in it after having tasted of the genteeler and +more complete pleasures of English and Continental life; and we passed +our summers at Buxton, Bath, and Harrogate, while Hackton Castle was +being beautified in the elegant manner already described by me, and the +season at our mansion in Berkeley Square. + +It is wonderful how the possession of wealth brings out the virtues of +a man; or, at any rate, acts as a varnish or lustre to them, and +brings out their brilliancy and colour in a manner never known when the +individual stood in the cold grey atmosphere of poverty. I assure you it +was a very short time before I was a pretty fellow of the first class; +made no small sensation at the coffee-houses in Pall Mall and +afterwards at the most famous clubs. My style, equipages, and elegant +entertainments were in everybody's mouth, and were described in all the +morning prints. The needier part of Lady Lyndon's relatives, and such as +had been offended by the intolerable pomposity of old Tiptoff, began to +appear at our routs and assemblies; and as for relations of my own, I +found in London and Ireland more than I had ever dreamed of, of cousins +who claimed affinity with me. There were, of course, natives of my own +country (of which I was not particularly proud), and I received visits +from three or four swaggering shabby Temple bucks, with tarnished lace +and Tipperary brogue, who were eating their way to the bar in London; +from several gambling adventurers at the watering-places, whom I soon +speedily let to know their place; and from others of more reputable +condition. Among them I may mention my cousin the Lord Kilbarry, who, on +the score of his relationship, borrowed thirty pieces from me to pay his +landlady in Swallow Street; and whom, for my own reasons, I allowed to +maintain and credit a connection for which the Heralds' College gave no +authority whatsoever. Kilbarry had a cover at my table; punted at play, +and paid when he liked, which was seldom; had an intimacy with, and was +under considerable obligations to, my tailor; and always boasted of his +cousin the great Barry Lyndon of the West country. + +Her Ladyship and I lived, after a while, pretty separate when in London. +She preferred quiet: or to say the truth, I preferred it; being a great +friend to a modest tranquil behaviour in woman, and a taste for the +domestic pleasures. Hence I encouraged her to dine at home with her +ladies, her chaplain, and a few of her friends; admitted three or four +proper and discreet persons to accompany her to her box at the opera or +play on proper occasions; and indeed declined for her the too frequent +visits of her friends and family, preferring to receive them only twice +or thrice in a season on our grand reception days. Besides, she was a +mother, and had great comfort in the dressing, educating, and dandling +our little Bryan, for whose sake it was fit that she should give up the +pleasures and frivolities of the world; so she left THAT part of the +duty of every family of distinction to be performed by me. To say the +truth, Lady Lyndon's figure and appearance were not at this time such as +to make for their owner any very brilliant appearance in the fashionable +world. She had grown very fat, was short-sighted, pale in complexion, +careless about her dress, dull in demeanour; her conversations with +me characterised by a stupid despair, or a silly blundering attempt at +forced cheerfulness still more disagreeable: hence our intercourse was +but trifling, and my temptations to carry her into the world, or to +remain in her society, of necessity exceedingly small. She would try my +temper at home, too, in a thousand ways. When requested by me (often, +I own, rather roughly) to entertain the company with conversation, wit, +and learning, of which she was a mistress: or music, of which she was +an accomplished performer, she would as often as not begin to cry, and +leave the room. My company from this, of course, fancied I was a tyrant +over her; whereas I was only a severe and careful guardian over a silly, +bad-tempered, and weak-minded lady. + +She was luckily very fond of her youngest son, and through him I had a +wholesome and effectual hold of her; for if in any of her tantrums or +fits of haughtiness--(this woman was intolerably proud; and repeatedly, +at first, in our quarrels, dared to twit me with my own original poverty +and low birth),--if, I say, in our disputes she pretended to have the +upper hand, to assert her authority against mine, to refuse to sign such +papers as I might think necessary for the distribution of our large and +complicated property, I would have Master Bryan carried off to Chiswick +for a couple of days; and I warrant me his lady-mother could hold out +no longer, and would agree to anything I chose to propose. The servants +about her I took care should be in my pay, not hers: especially the +child's head nurse was under MY orders, not those of my lady; and a very +handsome, red-cheeked, impudent jade she was; and a great fool she made +me make of myself. This woman was more mistress of the house than the +poor-spirited lady who owned it. She gave the law to the servants; and +if I showed any particular attention to any of the ladies who visited +us, the slut would not scruple to show her jealousy, and to find means +to send them packing. The fact is, a generous man is always made a fool +of by some woman or other, and this one had such an influence over me +that she could turn me round her finger. [Footnote: From these curious +confessions, it would appear that Mr. Lyndon maltreated his lady in +every possible way; that he denied her society, bullied her into +signing away her property, spent it in gambling and taverns, was openly +unfaithful to her; and, when she complained, threatened to remove her +children from her. Nor, indeed, is he the only husband who has done +the like, and has passed for 'nobody's enemy but his own:' a jovial +good-natured fellow. The world contains scores of such amiable people; +and, indeed, it is because justice has not been done them that we +have edited this autobiography. Had it been that of a mere hero of +romance--one of those heroic youths who figure in the novels of Scott +and James--there would have been no call to introduce the reader to a +personage already so often and so charmingly depicted. Mr. Barry Lyndon +is not, we repeat, a hero of the common pattern; but let the reader look +round, and ask himself, Do not as many rogues succeed in life as honest +men? more fools than men of talent? And is it not just that the lives of +this class should be described by the student of human nature as well +as the actions of those fairy-tale princes, those perfect impossible +heroes, whom our writers love to describe? There is something naive +and simple in that time-honoured style of novel-writing by which Prince +Prettyman, at the end of his adventures, is put in possession of every +worldly prosperity, as he has been endowed with every mental and bodily +excellence previously. The novelist thinks that he can do no more for +his darling hero than make him a lord. Is it not a poor standard that, +of the summum bonum? The greatest good in life is not to be a lord; +perhaps not even to be happy. Poverty, illness, a humpback, may be +rewards and conditions of good, as well as that bodily prosperity which +all of us unconsciously set up for worship. But this is a subject for +an essay, not a note; and it is best to allow Mr. Lyndon to resume the +candid and ingenious narrative of his virtues and defects.] + +Her infernal temper (Mrs. Stammer was the jade's name) and my wife's +moody despondency, made my house and home not over-pleasant: hence I was +driven a good deal abroad, where, as play was the fashion at every club, +tavern, and assembly, I, of course, was obliged to resume my old habit, +and to commence as an amateur those games at which I was once unrivalled +in Europe. But whether a man's temper changes with prosperity, or his +skill leaves him when, deprived of a confederate, and pursuing the game +no longer professionally, he joins in it, like the rest of the world, +for pastime, I know not; but certain it is, that in the seasons of +1774-75 I lost much money at 'White's' and the 'Cocoa-Tree,' and +was compelled to meet my losses by borrowing largely upon my wife's +annuities, insuring her Ladyship's life, and so forth. The terms at +which I raised these necessary sums and the outlays requisite for my +improvements were, of course, very onerous, and clipped the property +considerably; and it was some of these papers which my Lady Lyndon (who +was of a narrow, timid, and stingy turn) occasionally refused to sign: +until I PERSUADED her, as I have before shown. + +My dealings on the turf ought to be mentioned, as forming part of my +history at this time; but, in truth, I have no particular pleasure +in recalling my Newmarket doings. I was infernally bit and bubbled in +almost every one of my transactions there; and though I could ride +a horse as well as any man in England, was no match with the English +noblemen at backing him. Fifteen years after my horse, Bay Bulow, by +Sophy Hardcastle, out of Eclipse, lost the Newmarket stakes, for which +he was the first favourite, I found that a noble earl, who shall be +nameless, had got into his stable the morning before he ran; and the +consequence was that an outside horse won, and your humble servant was +out to the amount of fifteen thousand pounds. Strangers had no chance +in those days on the heath: and, though dazzled by the splendour and +fashion assembled there, and surrounded by the greatest persons of the +land,--the royal dukes, with their wives and splendid equipages; old +Grafton, with his queer bevy of company, and such men as Ancaster, +Sandwich, Lorn,--a man might have considered himself certain of fair +play and have been not a little proud of the society he kept; yet, I +promise you, that, exalted as it was, there was no set of men in Europe +who knew how to rob more genteelly, to bubble a stranger, to bribe +a jockey, to doctor a horse, or to arrange a betting-book. Even _I_ +couldn't stand against these accomplished gamesters of the highest +families in Europe. Was it my own want of style, or my want of fortune? +I know not. But now I was arrived at the height of my ambition, both +my skill and my luck seemed to be deserting me. Everything I touched +crumbled in my hand; every speculation I had failed, every agent I +trusted deceived me. I am, indeed, one of those born to make, and not to +keep fortunes; for the qualities and energy which lead a man to effect +the first are often the very causes of his ruin in the latter case: +indeed, I know of no other reason for the misfortunes which finally +befell me. [Footnote: The Memoirs seem to have been written about the +year 1814, in that calm retreat which Fortune had selected for the +author at the close of his life.] + +I had always a taste for men of letters, and perhaps, if the truth must +be told, have no objection to playing the fine gentleman and patron +among the wits. Such people are usually needy, and of low birth, and +have an instinctive awe and love of a gentleman and a laced coat; as all +must have remarked who have frequented their society. Mr. Reynolds, who +was afterwards knighted, and certainly the most elegant painter of +his day, was a pretty dexterous courtier of the wit tribe; and it was +through this gentleman, who painted a piece of me, Lady Lyndon, and +our little Bryan, which was greatly admired at the Exhibition (I +was represented as quitting my wife, in the costume of the Tippleton +Yeomanry, of which I was major; the child starting back from my helmet +like what-d'ye-call'im--Hector's son, as described by Mr. Pope in his +'Iliad'); it was through Mr. Reynolds that I was introduced to a score +of these gentlemen, and their great chief, Mr. Johnson. I always thought +their great chief a great bear. He drank tea twice or thrice at my +house, misbehaving himself most grossly; treating my opinions with no +more respect than those of a schoolboy, and telling me to mind my +horses and tailors, and not trouble myself about letters. His Scotch +bear-leader, Mr. Boswell, was a butt of the first quality. I never saw +such a figure as the fellow cut in what he called a Corsican habit, +at one of Mrs. Cornely's balls, at Carlisle House, Soho. But that +the stories connected with that same establishment are not the most +profitable tales in the world, I could tell tales of scores of queer +doings there. All the high and low demireps of the town gathered there, +from his Grace of Ancaster down to my countryman, poor Mr. Oliver +Goldsmith the poet, and from the Duchess of Kingston down to the Bird +of Paradise, or Kitty Fisher. Here I have met very queer characters, +who came to queer ends too: poor Hackman, that afterwards was hanged for +killing Miss Reay, and (on the sly) his Reverence Doctor Simony, whom +my friend Sam Foote, of the 'Little Theatre,' bade to live even after +forgery and the rope cut short the unlucky parson's career. + +It was a merry place, London, in those days, and that's the truth. I'm +writing now in my gouty old age, and people have grown vastly more moral +and matter-of-fact than they were at the close of the last century, when +the world was young with me. There was a difference between a gentleman +and a common fellow in those times. We wore silk and embroidery then. +Now every man has the same coachmanlike look in his belcher and caped +coat, and there is no outward difference between my Lord and his groom. +Then it took a man of fashion a couple of hours to make his toilette, +and he could show some taste and genius in the selecting it. What a +blaze of splendour was a drawing-room, or an opera, of a gala night! +What sums of money were lost and won at the delicious faro-table! My +gilt curricle and out-riders, blazing in green and gold, were very +different objects from the equipages you see nowadays in the ring, with +the stunted grooms behind them. A man could drink four times as much as +the milksops nowadays can swallow; but 'tis useless expatiating on this +theme. Gentlemen are dead and gone. The fashion has now turned upon your +soldiers and sailors, and I grow quite moody and sad when I think of +thirty years ago. + +This is a chapter devoted to reminiscences of what was a very happy +and splendid time with me, but presenting little of mark in the way of +adventure; as is generally the case when times are happy and easy. It +would seem idle to fill pages with accounts of the every-day occupations +of a man of fashion,--the fair ladies who smiled upon him, the dresses +he wore, the matches he played, and won or lost. At this period of time, +when youngsters are employed cutting the Frenchmen's throats in Spain +and France, lying out in bivouacs, and feeding off commissariat beef and +biscuit, they would not understand what a life their ancestors led; and +so I shall leave further discourse upon the pleasures of the times when +even the Prince was a lad in leading-strings, when Charles Fox had not +subsided into a mere statesman, and Buonaparte was a beggarly brat in +his native island. + +Whilst these improvements were going on in my estates,--my house, from +an antique Norman castle, being changed to an elegant Greek temple, +or palace--my gardens and woods losing their rustic appearance to be +adapted to the most genteel French style--my child growing up at his +mother's knees, and my influence in the country increasing,--it must +not be imagined that I stayed in Devonshire all this while, and that I +neglected to make visits to London, and my various estates in England +and Ireland. + +I went to reside at the Trecothick estate and the Polwellan Wheal, where +I found, instead of profit, every kind of pettifogging chicanery; I +passed over in state to our territories in Ireland, where I entertained +the gentry in a style the Lord Lieutenant himself could not equal; gave +the fashion to Dublin (to be sure it was a beggarly savage city in those +days; and, since the time there has been a pother about the Union, and +the misfortunes attending it, I have been at a loss to account for the +mad praises of the old order of things, which the fond Irish patriots +have invented); I say I set the fashion to Dublin; and small praise to +me, for a poor place it was in those times, whatever the Irish party may +say. + +In a former chapter I have given you a description of it. It was +the Warsaw of our part of the world: there was a splendid, ruined, +half-civilised nobility, ruling over a half-savage population. I say +half-savage advisedly. The commonalty in the streets were wild, unshorn, +and in rags. The most public places were not safe after nightfall. +The College, the public buildings, and the great gentry's houses were +splendid (the latter unfinished for the most part); but the people were +in a state more wretched than any vulgar I have ever known: the exercise +of their religion was only half allowed to them; their clergy were +forced to be educated out of the country; their aristocracy was quite +distinct from them; there was a Protestant nobility, and in the towns, +poor insolent Protestant corporations, with a bankrupt retinue of +mayors, aldermen, and municipal officers--all of whom figured in +addresses and had the public voice in the country; but there was no +sympathy and connection between the upper and the lower people of +the Irish. To one who had been bred so much abroad as myself, this +difference between Catholic and Protestant was doubly striking; +and though as firm as a rock in my own faith, yet I could not help +remembering my grandfather held a different one, and wondering that +there should be such a political difference between the two. I passed +among my neighbours for a dangerous leveller, for entertaining and +expressing such opinions, and especially for asking the priest of the +parish to my table at Castle Lyndon. He was a gentleman, educated +at Salamanca, and, to my mind, a far better bred and more agreeable +companion than his comrade the rector, who had but a dozen Protestants +for his congregation; who was a lord's son, to be sure, but he could +hardly spell, and the great field of his labours was in the kennel and +cockpit. + +I did not extend and beautify the house of Castle Lyndon as I had done +our other estates, but contented myself with paying an occasional visit +there; exercising an almost royal hospitality, and keeping open house +during my stay. When absent, I gave to my aunt, the widow Brady, and her +six unmarried daughters (although they always detested me), permission +to inhabit the place; my mother preferring my new mansion of Barryogue. + +And as my Lord Bullingdon was by this time grown excessively tall +and troublesome, I determined to leave him under the care of a proper +governor in Ireland, with Mrs. Brady and her six daughters to take care +of him; and he was welcome to fall in love with all the old ladies if he +were so minded, and thereby imitate his stepfather's example. When tired +of Castle Lyndon, his Lordship was at liberty to go and reside at my +house with my mamma; but there was no love lost between him and her, +and, on account of my son Bryan, I think she hated him as cordially as +ever I myself could possibly do. + +The county of Devon is not so lucky as the neighbouring county of +Cornwall, and has not the share of representatives which the latter +possesses; where I have known a moderate country gentleman, with a +few score of hundreds per annum from his estate, treble his income by +returning three or four Members to Parliament, and by the influence with +Ministers which these seats gave him. The parliamentary interest of the +house of Lyndon had been grossly neglected during my wife's minority, +and the incapacity of the Earl her father; or, to speak more correctly, +it had been smuggled away from the Lyndon family altogether by the +adroit old hypocrite of Tiptoff Castle, who acted as most kinsmen and +guardians do by their wards and relatives, and robbed them. The Marquess +of Tiptoff returned four Members to Parliament: two for the borough of +Tippleton, which, as all the world knows, lies at the foot of our estate +of Hackton, bounded on the other side by Tiptoff Park. For time out +of mind we had sent Members for that borough, until Tiptoff, taking +advantage of the late lord's imbecility, put in his own nominees. When +his eldest son became of age, of course my Lord was to take his seat for +Tippleton; when Rigby (Nabob Rigby, who made his fortune under Clive in +India) died, the Marquess thought fit to bring down his second son, my +Lord George Poynings, to whom I have introduced the reader in a former +chapter, and determined, in his high mightiness, that he too should go +in and swell the ranks of the Opposition--the big old Whigs, with whom +the Marquess acted. + +Rigby had been for some time in an ailing condition previous to his +demise, and you may be sure that the circumstance of his failing health +had not been passed over by the gentry of the county, who were staunch +Government men for the most part, and hated my Lord Tiptoff's principles +as dangerous and ruinous, 'We have been looking out for a man to fight +against him,' said the squires to me; 'we can only match Tiptoff out +of Hackton Castle. You, Mr. Lyndon, are our man, and at the next county +election we will swear to bring you in.' + +I hated the Tiptoffs so, that I would have fought them at any election. +They not only would not visit at Hackton, but declined to receive those +who visited us; they kept the women of the county from receiving +my wife: they invented half the wild stories of my profligacy and +extravagance with which the neighbourhood was entertained; they said +I had frightened my wife into marriage, and that she was a lost woman; +they hinted that Bullingdon's life was not secure under my roof, that +his treatment was odious, and that I wanted to put him out of the way +to make place for Bryan my son. I could scarce have a friend to Hackton, +but they counted the bottles drunk at my table. They ferreted out my +dealings with my lawyers and agents. If a creditor was unpaid, every +item of his bill was known at Tiptoff Hall; if I looked at a farmer's +daughter, it was said I had ruined her. My faults are many, I confess, +and as a domestic character, I can't boast of any particular regularity +or temper; but Lady Lyndon and I did not quarrel more than fashionable +people do, and, at first, we always used to make it up pretty well. I +am a man full of errors, certainly, but not the devil that these odious +backbiters at Tiptoff represented me to be. For the first three years +I never struck my wife but when I was in liquor. When I flung the +carving-knife at Bullingdon I was drunk, as everybody present can +testify; but as for having any systematic scheme against the poor lad, +I can declare solemnly that, beyond merely hating him (and one's +inclinations are not in one's power), I am guilty of no evil towards +him. + +I had sufficient motives, then, for enmity against the Tiptoffs, and am +not a man to let a feeling of that kind lie inactive. Though a Whig, +or, perhaps, because a Whig, the Marquess was one of the haughtiest +men breathing, and treated commoners as his idol the great Earl used to +treat them--after he came to a coronet himself--as so many low vassals, +who might be proud to lick his shoe-buckle. When the Tippleton mayor and +corporation waited upon him, he received them covered, never offered Mr. +Mayor a chair, but retired when the refreshments were brought, or had +them served to the worshipful aldermen in the steward's room. These +honest Britons never rebelled against such treatment, until instructed +to do so by my patriotism. No, the dogs liked to be bullied; and, in the +course of a long experience, I have met with but very few Englishmen who +are not of their way of thinking. + +It was not until I opened their eyes that they knew their degradation. +I invited the Mayor to Hackton, and Mrs. Mayoress (a very buxom pretty +groceress she was, by the way) I made sit by my wife, and drove them +both out to the races in my curricle. Lady Lyndon fought very hard +against this condescension; but I had a way with her, as the saying is, +and though she had a temper, yet I had a better one. A temper, psha! A +wild-cat has a temper, but a keeper can get the better of it; and I know +very few women in the world whom I could not master. + +Well, I made much of the mayor and corporation; sent them bucks for +their dinners, or asked them to mine; made a point of attending their +assemblies, dancing with their wives and daughters, going through, in +short, all the acts of politeness which are necessary on such occasions: +and though old Tiptoff must have seen my goings on, yet his head was +so much in the clouds, that he never once condescended to imagine his +dynasty could be overthrown in his own town of Tippleton, and issued +his mandates as securely as if he had been the Grand Turk, and the +Tippletonians no better than so many slaves of his will. + +Every post which brought us any account of Rigby's increasing illness, +was the sure occasion of a dinner from me; so much so, that my friends +of the hunt used to laugh and say, 'Rigby's worse; there's a corporation +dinner at Hackton.' + +It was in 1776, when the American war broke out, that I came into +Parliament. My Lord Chatham, whose wisdom his party in those days used +to call superhuman, raised his oracular voice in the House of Peers +against the American contest; and my countryman, Mr. Burke--a great +philosopher, but a plaguy long-winded orator--was the champion of the +rebels in the Commons--where, however, thanks to British patriotism, he +could get very few to back him. Old Tiptoff would have sworn black was +white if the great Earl had bidden him; and he made his son give up his +commission in the Guards, in imitation of my Lord Pitt, who resigned his +ensigncy rather than fight against what he called his American brethren. + +But this was a height of patriotism extremely little relished in +England, where, ever since the breaking out of hostilities, our people +hated the Americans heartily; and where, when we heard of the fight of +Lexington, and the glorious victory of Bunker's Hill (as we used to call +it in those days), the nation flushed out in its usual hot-headed anger. +The talk was all against the philosophers after that, and the people +were most indomitably loyal. It was not until the land-tax was +increased, that the gentry began to grumble a little; but still my party +in the West was very strong against the Tiptoffs, and I determined to +take the field and win as usual. + +The old Marquess neglected every one of the decent precautions which are +requisite in a parliamentary campaign. He signified to the corporation +and freeholders his intention of presenting his son, Lord George, and +his desire that the latter should be elected their burgess; but he +scarcely gave so much as a glass of beer to whet the devotedness of his +adherents: and I, as I need not say, engaged every tavern in Tippleton +in my behalf. + +There is no need to go over the twenty-times-told tale of an election. I +rescued the borough of Tippleton from the hands of Lord Tiptoff and his +son, Lord George. I had a savage sort of satisfaction, too, in forcing +my wife (who had been at one time exceedingly smitten by her kinsman, +as I have already related) to take part against him, and to wear and +distribute my colours when the day of election came. And when we spoke +at one another, I told the crowd that I had beaten Lord George in +love, that I had beaten him in war, and that I would now beat him in +Parliament; and so I did, as the event proved: for, to the inexpressible +anger of the old Marquess, Barry Lyndon, Esquire, was returned member of +Parliament for Tippleton, in place of John Rigby, Esquire, deceased; and +I threatened him at the next election to turn him out of BOTH his seats, +and went to attend my duties in Parliament. + +It was then I seriously determined on achieving for myself the Irish +peerage, to be enjoyed after me by my beloved son and heir. + + + + +CHAPTER XVIII. MY GOOD FORTUNE BEGINS TO WAVER + +And now, if any people should be disposed to think my history immoral +(for I have heard some assert that I was a man who never deserved that +so much prosperity should fall to my share), I will beg those cavillers +to do me the favour to read the conclusion of my adventures; when they +will see it was no such great prize that I had won, and that wealth, +splendour, thirty thousand per annum, and a seat in Parliament, are +often purchased at too dear a rate, when one has to buy those enjoyments +at the price of personal liberty, and saddled with the charge of a +troublesome wife. + +They are the deuce, these troublesome wives, and that is the truth. No +man knows until he tries how wearisome and disheartening the burthen of +one of them is, and how the annoyance grows and strengthens from year +to year, and the courage becomes weaker to bear it; so that that trouble +which seemed light and trivial the first year, becomes intolerable +ten years after. I have heard of one of the classical fellows in the +dictionary who began by carrying a calf up a hill every day, and so +continued until the animal grew to be a bull, which he still easily +accommodated upon his shoulders; but take my word for it, young +unmarried gentlemen, a wife is a very much harder pack to the back than +the biggest heifer in Smithfield and, if I can prevent one of you from +marrying, the 'Memoirs of Barry Lyndon, Esq.' will not be written in +vain. Not that my Lady was a scold or a shrew, as some wives are; I +could have managed to have cured her of that; but she was of a cowardly, +crying, melancholy, maudlin temper, which is to me still more odious: +do what one would to please her, she would never be happy or in +good-humour. I left her alone after a while; and because, as was natural +in my case, where a disagreeable home obliged me to seek amusement and +companions abroad, she added a mean detestable jealousy to all her other +faults: I could not for some time pay the commonest attention to any +other woman, but my Lady Lyndon must weep, and wring her hands, and +threaten to commit suicide, and I know not what. + +Her death would have been no comfort to me, as I leave any person of +common prudence to imagine; for that scoundrel of a young Bullingdon +(who was now growing up a tall, gawky, swarthy lad, and about to become +my greatest plague and annoyance) would have inherited every penny of +the property, and I should have been left considerably poorer even than +when I married the widow: for I spent my personal fortune as well as the +lady's income in the keeping up of our rank, and was always too much a +man of honour and spirit to save a penny of Lady Lyndon's income. Let +this be flung in the teeth of my detractors, who say I never could have +so injured the Lyndon property had I not been making a private purse for +myself; and who believe that, even in my present painful situation, I +have hoards of gold laid by somewhere, and could come out as a Croesus +when I choose. I never raised a shilling upon Lady Lyndon's property but +I spent it like a man of honour; besides incurring numberless personal +obligations for money, which all went to the common stock. Independent +of the Lyndon mortgages and incumbrances, I owe myself at least one +hundred and twenty thousand pounds, which I spent while in occupancy of +my wife's estate; so that I may justly say that property is indebted to +me in the above-mentioned sum. + +Although I have described the utter disgust and distaste which speedily +took possession of my breast as regarded Lady Lyndon; and although I +took no particular pains (for I am all frankness and above-board) to +disguise my feelings in general, yet she was of such a mean spirit, that +she pursued me with her regard in spite of my indifference to her, and +would kindle up at the smallest kind word I spoke to her. The fact is, +between my respected reader and myself, that I was one of the handsomest +and most dashing young men of England in those days, and my wife was +violently in love with me; and though I say it who shouldn't, as the +phrase goes, my wife was not the only woman of rank in London who had a +favourable opinion of the humble Irish adventurer. What a riddle these +women are, I have often thought! I have seen the most elegant creatures +at St. James's grow wild for love of the coarsest and most vulgar of +men; the cleverest women passionately admire the most illiterate of +our sex, and so on. There is no end to the contrariety in the foolish +creatures; and though I don't mean to hint that _I_ am vulgar or +illiterate, as the persons mentioned above (I would cut the throat of +any man who dared to whisper a word against my birth or my breeding), +yet I have shown that Lady Lyndon had plenty of reason to dislike me +if she chose: but, like the rest of her silly sex, she was governed +by infatuation, not reason; and, up to the very last day of our being +together, would be reconciled to me, and fondle me, if I addressed her a +single kind word. + +'Ah,' she would say, in these moments of tenderness--'Ah, REDMOND, if +you would always be so!' And in these fits of love she was the most easy +creature in the world to be persuaded, and would have signed away her +whole property, had it been possible. And, I must confess, it was +with very little attention on my part that I could bring her into +good-humour. To walk with her on the Mall, or at Ranelagh, to attend her +to church at St. James's, to purchase any little present or trinket for +her, was enough to coax her. Such is female inconsistency! The next +day she would be calling me 'Mr. Barry' probably, and be bemoaning her +miserable fate that she ever should have been united to such a monster. +So it was she was pleased to call one of the most brilliant men in His +Majesty's three kingdoms: and I warrant me OTHER ladies had a much more +flattering opinion of me. + +Then she would threaten to leave me; but I had a hold of her in the +person of her son, of whom she was passionately fond: I don't know +why, for she had always neglected Bullingdon her older son, and never +bestowed a thought upon his health, his welfare, or his education. + +It was our young boy, then, who formed the great bond of union between +me and her Ladyship; and there was no plan of ambition I could propose +in which she would not join for the poor lad's behoof, and no expense +she would not eagerly incur, if it might by any means be shown to tend +to his advancement. I can tell you, bribes were administered, and in +high places too,--so near the royal person of His Majesty, that you +would be astonished were I to mention what great personages condescended +to receive our loans. I got from the English and Irish heralds a +description and detailed pedigree of the Barony of Barryogue, and +claimed respectfully to be reinstated in my ancestral titles, and also +to be rewarded with the Viscounty of Ballybarry. 'This head would become +a coronet,' my Lady would sometimes say, in her fond moments, smoothing +down my hair; and, indeed, there is many a puny whipster in their +Lordships' house who has neither my presence nor my courage, my +pedigree, nor any of my merits. + +The striving after this peerage I considered to have been one of +the most unlucky of all my unlucky dealings at this period. I made +unheard-of sacrifices to bring it about. I lavished money here and +diamonds there. I bought lands at ten times their value; purchased +pictures and articles of vertu at ruinous prices. I gave repeated +entertainments to those friends to my claims who, being about the Royal +person, were likely to advance it. I lost many a bet to the Royal Dukes +His Majesty's brothers; but let these matters be forgotten, and, +because of my private injuries, let me not be deficient in loyalty to my +Sovereign. + +The only person in this transaction whom I shall mention openly, is that +old scamp and swindler, Gustavus Adolphus, thirteenth Earl of Crabs. +This nobleman was one of the gentlemen of His Majesty's closet, and one +with whom the revered monarch was on terms of considerable intimacy. A +close regard had sprung up between them in the old King's time; when +His Royal Highness, playing at battledore and shuttlecock with the young +lord on the landing-place of the great staircase at Kew, in some moment +of irritation the Prince of Wales kicked the young Earl downstairs, who, +falling, broke his leg. The Prince's hearty repentance for his violence +caused him to ally himself closely with the person whom he had injured; +and when His Majesty came to the throne there was no man, it is said, of +whom the Earl of Bute was so jealous as of my Lord Crabs. The latter was +poor and extravagant, and Bute got him out of the way, by sending him +on the Russian and other embassies; but on this favourite's dismissal, +Crabs sped back from the Continent, and was appointed almost immediately +to a place about His Majesty's person. + +It was with this disreputable nobleman that I contracted an unluckly +intimacy; when, fresh and unsuspecting, I first established myself in +town, after my marriage with Lady Lyndon: and, as Crabs was really one +of the most entertaining fellows in the world, I took a sincere pleasure +in his company; besides the interesting desire I had in cultivating the +society of a man who was so near the person of the highest personage in +the realm. + +To hear the fellow, you would fancy that there was scarce any +appointment made in which he had not a share. He told me, for instance, +of Charles Fox being turned out of his place a day before poor Charley +himself was aware of the fact. He told me when the Howes were coming +back from America, and who was to succeed to the command there. Not +to multiply instances, it was upon this person that I fixed my chief +reliance for the advancement of my claim to the Barony of Barryogue and +the Viscounty which I proposed to get. + +One of the main causes of expense which this ambition of mine entailed +upon me was the fitting out and arming a company of infantry from the +Castle Lyndon and Hackton estates in Ireland, which I offered to my +gracious Sovereign for the campaign against the American rebels. These +troops, superbly equipped and clothed, were embarked at Portsmouth in +the year 1778; and the patriotism of the gentleman who had raised them +was so acceptable at Court, that, on being presented by my Lord North, +His Majesty condescended to notice me particularly, and said, 'That's +right, Mr. Lyndon, raise another company; and go with them, too!' But +this was by no means, as the reader may suppose, to my notions. A man +with thirty thousand pounds per annum is a fool to risk his life like a +common beggar: and on this account I have always admired the conduct of +my friend Jack Bolter, who had been a most active and resolute cornet +of horse, and, as such, engaged in every scrape and skirmish which could +fall to his lot; but just before the battle of Minden he received news +that his uncle, the great army contractor, was dead, and had left him +five thousand per annum. Jack that instant applied for leave; and, as +it was refused him on the eve of a general action, my gentleman took it, +and never fired a pistol again: except against an officer who questioned +his courage, and whom he winged in such a cool and determined manner, as +showed all the world that it was from prudence and a desire of enjoying +his money, not from cowardice, that he quitted the profession of arms. + +When this Hackton company was raised, my stepson, who was now sixteen +years of age, was most eager to be allowed to join it, and I would have +gladly consented to have been rid of the young man; but his guardian, +Lord Tiptoff, who thwarted me in everything, refused his permission, and +the lad's military inclinations were balked. If he could have gone on +the expedition, and a rebel rifle had put an end to him, I believe, to +tell the truth, I should not have been grieved over-much; and I should +have had the pleasure of seeing my other son the heir to the estate +which his father had won with so much pains. + +The education of this young nobleman had been, I confess, some of the +loosest; and perhaps the truth is, I DID neglect the brat. He was of +so wild, savage, and insubordinate a nature, that I never had the least +regard for him; and before me and his mother, at least, was so moody and +dull, that I thought instruction thrown away upon him, and left him for +the most part to shift for himself. For two whole years he remained +in Ireland away from us; and when in England, we kept him mainly at +Hackton, never caring to have the uncouth ungainly lad in the genteel +company in the capital in which we naturally mingled. My own poor boy, +on the contrary, was the most polite and engaging child ever seen: it +was a pleasure to treat him with kindness and distinction; and before he +was five years old, the little fellow was the pink of fashion, beauty, +and good breeding. + +In fact he could not have been otherwise, with the care both his parents +bestowed upon him, and the attentions that were lavished upon him in +every way. When he was four years old, I quarrelled with the English +nurse who had attended upon him, and about whom my wife had been so +jealous, and procured for him a French gouvernante, who had lived with +families of the first quality in Paris; and who, of course, must set my +Lady Lyndon jealous too. Under the care of this young woman my little +rogue learned to chatter French most charmingly. It would have done your +heart good to hear the dear rascal swear Mort de ma vie! and to see +him stamp his little foot, and send the manants and canaille of the +domestics to the trente mille diables. He was precocious in all things: +at a very early age he would mimic everybody; at five, he would sit at +table, and drink his glass of champagne with the best of us; and his +nurse would teach him little French catches, and the last Parisian songs +of Vade and Collard,--pretty songs they were too; and would make such +of his hearers as understood French burst with laughing, and, I promise +you, scandalise some of the old dowagers who were admitted into the +society of his mamma: not that there were many of them; for I did not +encourage the visits of what you call respectable people to Lady Lyndon. +They are sad spoilers of sport,--tale-bearers, envious narrow-minded +people; making mischief between man and wife. Whenever any of these +grave personages in hoops and high heels used to make their appearance +at Hackton, or in Berkeley Square, it was my chief pleasure to frighten +them off; and I would make my little Bryan dance, sing, and play the +diable a quatre, and aid him myself, so as to scare the old frumps. + +I never shall forget the solemn remonstrances of our old square-toes of +a rector at Hackton, who made one or two vain attempts to teach little +Bryan Latin, and with whose innumerable children I sometimes allowed the +boy to associate. They learned some of Bryan's French songs from him, +which their mother, a poor soul who understood pickles and custards much +better than French, used fondly to encourage them in singing; but which +their father one day hearing, he sent Miss Sarah to her bedroom and +bread and water for a week, and solemnly horsed Master Jacob in the +presence of all his brothers and sisters, and of Bryan, to whom he hoped +that flogging would act as a warning. But my little rogue kicked and +plunged at the old parson's shins until he was obliged to get his sexton +to hold him down, and swore, corbleu, morbleu, ventrebleu, that his +young friend Jacob should not be maltreated. After this scene, his +reverence forbade Bryan the rectory-house; on which I swore that his +eldest son, who was bringing up for the ministry, should never have the +succession of the living of Hackton, which I had thoughts of bestowing +on him; and his father said, with a canting hypocritical air, which +I hate, that Heaven's will must be done; that he would not have his +children disobedient or corrupted for the sake of a bishopric, and wrote +me a pompous and solemn letter, charged with Latin quotations, taking +farewell of me and my house. 'I do so with regret,' added the old +gentleman, 'for I have received so many kindnesses from the Hackton +family that it goes to my heart to be disunited from them. My poor, I +fear, may suffer in consequence of my separation from you, and my being +hence-forward unable to bring to your notice instances of distress +and affliction; which, when they were known to you, I will do you the +justice to say, your generosity was always prompt to relieve.' + +There may have been some truth in this, for the old gentleman was +perpetually pestering me with petitions, and I know for a certainty, +from his own charities, was often without a shilling in his pocket; +but I suspect the good dinners at Hackton had a considerable share in +causing his regrets at the dissolution of our intimacy: and I know +that his wife was quite sorry to forego the acquaintance of Bryan's +gouvernante, Mademoiselle Louison, who had all the newest French +fashions at her fingers' ends, and who never went to the rectory but you +would see the girls of the family turn out in new sacks or mantles the +Sunday after. + +I used to punish the old rebel by snoring very loud in my pew on Sundays +during sermon-time; and I got a governor presently for Bryan, and a +chaplain of my own, when he became of age sufficient to be separated +from the women's society and guardianship. His English nurse I married +to my head gardener, with a handsome portion; his French gouvernante I +bestowed upon my faithful German Fritz, not forgetting the dowry in the +latter instance; and they set up a French dining-house in Soho, and I +believe at the time I write they are richer in the world's goods than +their generous and free-handed master. + +For Bryan I now got a young gentleman from Oxford, the Rev. Edmund +Lavender, who was commissioned to teach him Latin, when the boy was +in the humour, and to ground him in history, grammar, and the other +qualifications of a gentleman. Lavender was a precious addition to our +society at Hackton. He was the means of making a deal of fun there. He +was the butt of all our jokes, and bore them with the most admirable and +martyrlike patience. He was one of that sort of men who would rather be +kicked by a great man than not be noticed by him; and I have often put +his wig into the fire in the face of the company, when he would laugh +at the joke as well as any man there. It was a delight to put him on +a high-mettled horse, and send him after the hounds,--pale, sweating, +calling on us, for Heaven's sake, to stop, and holding on for dear life +by the mane and the crupper. How it happened that the fellow was never +killed I know not; but I suppose hanging is the way in which HIS neck +will be broke. He never met with any accident, to speak of, in our +hunting-matches: but you were pretty sure to find him at dinner in his +place at the bottom of the table making the punch, whence he would be +carried off fuddled to bed before the night was over. Many a time have +Bryan and I painted his face black on those occasions. We put him into +a haunted room, and frightened his soul out of his body with ghosts; we +let loose cargoes of rats upon his bed; we cried fire, and filled his +boots with water; we cut the legs of his preaching-chair, and filled his +sermon-book with snuff. Poor Lavender bore it all with patience; and +at our parties, or when we came to London, was amply repaid by being +allowed to sit with the gentlefolks, and to fancy himself in the society +of men of fashion. It was good to hear the contempt with which he talked +about our rector. 'He has a son, sir, who is a servitor: and a servitor +at a small college,' he would say. 'How COULD you, my dear sir, think of +giving the reversion of Hackton to such a low-bred creature?' + +I should now speak of my other son, at least my Lady Lyndon's: I mean +the Viscount Bullingdon. I kept him in Ireland for some years, under the +guardianship of my mother, whom I had installed at Castle Lyndon; and +great, I promise you, was her state in that occupation, and prodigious +the good soul's splendour and haughty bearing. With all her oddities, +the Castle Lyndon estate was the best managed of all our possessions; +the rents were excellently paid, the charges of getting them in smaller +than they would have been under the management of any steward. It was +astonishing what small expenses the good widow incurred; although she +kept up the dignity of the TWO families, as she would say. She had a set +of domestics to attend upon the young lord; she never went out herself +but in an old gilt coach and six; the house was kept clean and tight; +the furniture and gardens in the best repair; and, in our occasional +visits to Ireland, we never found any house we visited in such good +condition as our own. There were a score of ready serving-lasses, +and half as many trim men about the castle; and everything in as fine +condition as the best housekeeper could make it. All this she did with +scarcely any charges to us: for she fed sheep and cattle in the parks, +and made a handsome profit of them at Ballinasloe; she supplied I don't +know how many towns with butter and bacon; and the fruit and vegetables +from the gardens of Castle Lyndon got the highest prices in Dublin +market. She had no waste in the kitchen, as there used to be in most of +our Irish houses; and there was no consumption of liquor in the cellars, +for the old lady drank water, and saw little or no company. All her +society was a couple of the girls of my ancient flame Nora Brady, now +Mrs. Quin; who with her husband had spent almost all their property, +and who came to see me once in London, looking very old, fat, and +slatternly, with two dirty children at her side. She wept very much when +she saw me, called me 'Sir,' and 'Mr. Lyndon,' at which I was not sorry, +and begged me to help her husband; which I did, getting him, through +my friend Lord Crabs, a place in the excise in Ireland, and paying the +passage of his family and himself to that country. I found him a dirty, +cast-down, snivelling drunkard; and, looking at poor Nora, could not but +wonder at the days when I had thought her a divinity. But if ever I have +had a regard for a woman, I remain through life her constant friend, +and could mention a thousand such instances of my generous and faithful +disposition. + +Young Bullingdon, however, was almost the only person with whom she was +concerned that my mother could not keep in order. The accounts she sent +me of him at first were such as gave my paternal heart considerable +pain. He rejected all regularity and authority. He would absent himself +for weeks from the house on sporting or other expeditions. He was when +at home silent and queer, refusing to make my mother's game at piquet of +evenings, but plunging into all sorts of musty old books, with which he +muddled his brains; more at ease laughing and chatting with the +pipers and maids in the servants' hall, than with the gentry in the +drawing-room; always cutting jibes and jokes at Mrs. Barry, at which +she (who was rather a slow woman at repartee) would chafe violently: in +fact, leading a life of insubordination and scandal. And, to crown +all, the young scapegrace took to frequenting the society of the Romish +priest of the parish--a threadbare rogue, from some Popish seminary in +France or Spain--rather than the company of the vicar of Castle Lyndon, +a gentleman of Trinity, who kept his hounds and drank his two bottles a +day. + +Regard for the lad's religion made me not hesitate then how I should act +towards him. If I have any principle which has guided me through life, +it has been respect for the Establishment, and a hearty scorn and +abhorrence of all other forms of belief. I therefore sent my French +body-servant, in the year 17--, to Dublin with a commission to bring +the young reprobate over; and the report brought to me was that he +had passed the whole of the last night of his stay in Ireland with his +Popish friend at the mass-house; that he and my mother had a violent +quarrel on the very last day; that, on the contrary, he kissed Biddy and +Dosy, her two nieces, who seemed very sorry that he should go; and that +being pressed to go and visit the rector, he absolutely refused, saying +he was a wicked old Pharisee, inside whose doors he would never set his +foot. The doctor wrote me a letter, warning me against the deplorable +errors of this young imp of perdition, as he called him; and I could see +that there was no love lost between them. But it appeared that, if not +agreeable to the gentry of the country, young Bullingdon had a huge +popularity among the common people. There was a regular crowd weeping +round the gate when his coach took its departure. Scores of the ignorant +savage wretches ran for miles along by the side of the chariot; and some +went even so far as to steal away before his departure, and appear +at the Pigeon-House at Dublin to bid him a last farewell. It was with +considerable difficulty that some of these people could be kept from +secreting themselves in the vessel, and accompanying their young lord to +England. + +To do the young scoundrel justice, when he came among us, he was a +manly noble-looking lad, and everything in his bearing and appearance +betokened the high blood from which he came. He was the very portrait +of some of the dark cavaliers of the Lyndon race, whose pictures hung +in the gallery at Hackton: where the lad was fond of spending the chief +part of his time, occupied with the musty old books which he took out of +the library, and which I hate to see a young man of spirit poring over. +Always in my company he preserved the most rigid silence, and a haughty +scornful demeanour; which was so much the more disagreeable because +there was nothing in his behaviour I could actually take hold of to find +fault with: although his whole conduct was insolent and supercilious to +the highest degree. His mother was very much agitated at receiving him +on his arrival; if he felt any such agitation he certainly did not show +it. He made her a very low and formal bow when he kissed her hand; and, +when I held out mine, put both his hands behind his back, stared me full +in the face, and bent his head, saying, 'Mr. Barry Lyndon, I believe;' +turned on his heel, and began talking about the state of the weather to +his mother, whom he always styled 'Your Ladyship.' She was angry at this +pert bearing, and, when they were alone, rebuked him sharply for not +shaking hands with his father. + +'My father, madam?' said he; 'surely you mistake. My father was the +Right Honourable Sir Charles Lyndon. _I_ at least have not forgotten +him, if others have.' It was a declaration of war to me, as I saw at +once; though I declare I was willing enough to have received the boy +well on his coming amongst us, and to have lived with him on terms of +friendliness. But as men serve me I serve them. Who can blame me for my +after-quarrels with this young reprobate, or lay upon my shoulders +the evils which afterwards befell? Perhaps I lost my temper, and my +subsequent treatment of him WAS hard. But it was he began the quarrel, +and not I; and the evil consequences which ensued were entirely of his +creating. + +As it is best to nip vice in the bud, and for a master of a family to +exercise his authority in such a manner as that there may be no question +about it, I took the earliest opportunity of coming to close quarters +with Master Bullingdon; and the day after his arrival among us, upon +his refusal to perform some duty which I requested of him, I had him +conveyed to my study, and thrashed him soundly. This process, I confess, +at first agitated me a good deal, for I had never laid a whip on a lord +before; but I got speedily used to the practice, and his back and my +whip became so well acquainted, that I warrant there was very little +CEREMONY between us after a while. + +If I were to repeat all the instances of the insubordination and brutal +conduct of young Bullingdon, I should weary the reader. His perseverance +in resistance was, I think, even greater than mine in correcting him: +for a man, be he ever so much resolved to do his duty as a parent, can't +be flogging his children all day, or for every fault they commit: and +though I got the character of being so cruel a stepfather to him, I +pledge my word I spared him correction when he merited it many more +times than I administered it. Besides, there were eight clear months +in the year when he was quit of me, during the time of my presence in +London, at my place in Parliament, and at the Court of my Sovereign. + +At this period I made no difficulty to allow him to profit by the +Latin and Greek of the old rector; who had christened him, and had a +considerable influence over the wayward lad. After a scene or a quarrel +between us, it was generally to the rectory-house that the young rebel +would fly for refuge and counsel; and I must own that the parson was a +pretty just umpire between us in our disputes. Once he led the boy +back to Hackton by the hand, and actually brought him into my presence, +although he had vowed never to enter the doors in my lifetime again, and +said, 'He had brought his Lordship to acknowledge his error, and submit +to any punishment I might think proper to inflict.' Upon which I caned +him in the presence of two or three friends of mine, with whom I was +sitting drinking at the time; and to do him justice, he bore a pretty +severe punishment without wincing or crying in the least. This will +show that I was not too severe in my treatment of the lad, as I had the +authority of the clergyman himself for inflicting the correction which I +thought proper. + +Twice or thrice, Lavender, Bryan's governor, attempted to punish my +Lord Bullingdon; but I promise you the rogue was too strong for HIM, +and levelled the Oxford man to the ground with a chair: greatly to the +delight of little Byran, who cried out, 'Bravo, Bully! thump him, thump +him!' And Bully certainly did, to the governor's heart's content; who +never attempted personal chastisement afterwards; but contented himself +by bringing the tales of his Lordship's misdoings to me, his natural +protector and guardian. + +With the child, Bullingdon was, strange to say, pretty tractable. He +took a liking for the little fellow,--as, indeed, everybody who saw that +darling boy did,--liked him the more, he said, because he was 'half +a Lyndon.' And well he might like him, for many a time, at the dear +angel's intercession of 'Papa, don't flog Bully to-day!' I have held my +hand, and saved him a horsing, which he richly deserved. + +With his mother, at first, he would scarcely deign to have any +communication. He said she was no longer one of the family. Why should +he love her, as she had never been a mother to him? But it will give +the reader an idea of the dogged obstinacy and surliness of the lad's +character, when I mention one trait regarding him. It has been made +a matter of complaint against me, that I denied him the education +befitting a gentleman, and never sent him to college or to school; but +the fact is, it was of his own choice that he went to neither. He +had the offer repeatedly from me (who wished to see as little of his +impudence as possible), but he as repeatedly declined; and, for a long +time, I could not make out what was the charm which kept him in a house +where he must have been far from comfortable. + +It came out, however, at last. There used to be very frequent disputes +between my Lady Lyndon and myself, in which sometimes she was wrong, +sometimes I was; and which, as neither of us had very angelical +tempers, used to run very high. I was often in liquor; and when in that +condition, what gentleman is master of himself? Perhaps I DID, in this +state, use my Lady rather roughly; fling a glass or two at her, and call +her by a few names that were not complimentary. I may have threatened +her life (which it was obviously my interest not to take), and have +frightened her, in a word, considerably. + +After one of these disputes, in which she ran screaming through the +galleries, and I, as tipsy as a lord, came staggering after, it appears +Bullingdon was attracted out of his room by the noise; as I came up +with her, the audacious rascal tripped up my heels, which were not very +steady, and catching his fainting mother in his arms, took her into his +own room; where he, upon her entreaty, swore he would never leave the +house as long as she continued united with me. I knew nothing of the +vow, or indeed of the tipsy frolic which was the occasion of it; I was +taken up 'glorious,' as the phrase is, by my servants, and put to bed, +and, in the morning, had no more recollection of what had occurred any +more than of what happened when I was a baby at the breast. Lady Lyndon +told me of the circumstance years after; and I mention it here, as it +enables me to plead honourably 'not guilty' to one of the absurd charges +of cruelty trumped up against me with respect to my stepson. Let my +detractors apologise, if they dare, for the conduct of a graceless +ruffian who trips up the heels of his own natural guardian and +stepfather after dinner. + +This circumstance served to unite mother and son for a little; but their +characters were too different. I believe she was too fond of me ever to +allow him to be sincerely reconciled to her. As he grew up to be a man, +his hatred towards me assumed an intensity quite wicked to think of (and +which I promise you I returned with interest): and it was at the age +of sixteen, I think, that the impudent young hangdog, on my return from +Parliament one summer, and on my proposing to cane him as usual, gave me +to understand that he would submit to no farther chastisement from me, +and said, grinding his teeth, that he would shoot me if I laid hands on +him. I looked at him; he was grown, in fact, to be a tall young man, and +I gave up that necessary part of his education. + +It was about this time that I raised the company which was to serve in +America; and my enemies in the country (and since my victory over the +Tiptoffs I scarce need say I had many of them) began to propagate +the most shameful reports regarding my conduct to that precious young +scapegrace my stepson, and to insinuate that I actually wished to get +rid of him. Thus my loyalty to my Sovereign was actually construed into +a horrid unnatural attempt on my part on Bullingdon's life; and it +was said that I had raised the American corps for the sole purpose of +getting the young Viscount to command it, and so of getting rid of him. +I am not sure that they had not fixed upon the name of the very man in +the company who was ordered to despatch him at the first general action, +and the bribe I was to give him for this delicate piece of service. + +But the truth is, I was of opinion then (and though the fulfilment of +my prophecy has been delayed, yet I make no doubt it will be brought to +pass ere long), that my Lord Bullingdon needed none of MY aid in sending +him into the other world; but had a happy knack of finding the way +thither himself, which he would be sure to pursue. In truth, he began +upon this way early: of all the violent, daring, disobedient scapegraces +that ever caused an affectionate parent pain, he was certainly the most +incorrigible; there was no beating him, or coaxing him, or taming him. + +For instance, with my little son, when his governor brought him into the +room as we were over the bottle after dinner, my Lord would begin his +violent and undutiful sarcasms at me. + +'Dear child,' he would say, beginning to caress and fondle him, 'what +a pity it is I am not dead for thy sake! The Lyndons would then have a +worthier representative, and enjoy all the benefit of the illustrious +blood of the Barrys of Barryogue; would they not, Mr. Barry Lyndon?' +He always chose the days when company, or the clergy or gentry of the +neighbourhood, were present, to make these insolent speeches to me. + +Another day (it was Bryan's birthday) we were giving a grand ball +and gala at Hackton, and it was time for my little Bryan to make his +appearance among us, as he usually did in the smartest little court-suit +you ever saw (ah me! but it brings tears into my old eyes now to think +of the bright looks of that darling little face). There was a great +crowding and tittering when the child came in, led by his half-brother, +who walked into the dancing-room (would you believe it?) in his +stocking-feet, leading little Bryan by the hand, paddling about in the +great shoes of the elder! 'Don't you think he fits my shoes very well, +Sir Richard Wargrave?' says the young reprobate: upon which the company +began to look at each other and to titter; and his mother, coming up to +Lord Bullingdon with great dignity, seized the child to her breast, and +said, 'From the manner in which I love this child, my Lord, you ought +to know how I would have loved his elder brother had he proved worthy of +any mother's affection!' and, bursting into tears, Lady Lyndon left the +apartment, and the young lord rather discomfited for once. + +At last, on one occasion, his behaviour to me was so outrageous (it was +in the hunting-field and in a large public company), that I lost all +patience, rode at the urchin straight, wrenched him out of his saddle +with all my force, and, flinging him roughly to the ground, sprang +down to it myself, and administered such a correction across the young +caitiff's head and shoulders with my horsewhip as might have ended in +his death, had I not been restrained in time; for my passion was up, and +I was in a state to do murder or any other crime. The lad was taken home +and put to bed, where he lay for a day or two in a fever, as much from +rage and vexation as from the chastisement I had given him; and three +days afterwards, on sending to inquire at his chamber whether he would +join the family at table, a note was found on his table, and his bed +was empty and cold. The young villain had fled, and had the audacity to +write in the following terms regarding me to my wife, his mother:-- + +'Madam,' he said, 'I have borne as long as mortal could endure the +ill-treatment of the insolent Irish upstart whom you have taken to your +bed. It is not only the lowness of his birth and the general brutality +of his manners which disgust me, and must make me hate him so long as I +have the honour to bear the name of Lyndon, which he is unworthy of, but +the shameful nature of his conduct towards your Ladyship; his brutal +and ungentlemanlike behaviour, his open infidelity, his habits of +extravagance, intoxication, his shameless robberies and swindling of my +property and yours. It is these insults to you which shock and annoy me, +more than the ruffian's infamous conduct to myself. I would have stood +by your Ladyship as I promised, but you seem to have taken latterly +your husband's part; and, as I cannot personally chastise this low-bred +ruffian, who, to our shame be it spoken, is the husband of my mother; +and as I cannot bear to witness his treatment of you, and loathe his +horrible society as if it were the plague, I am determined to quit my +native country: at least during his detested life, or during my own. +I possess a small income from my father, of which I have no doubt Mr. +Barry will cheat me if he can; but which, if your Ladyship has some +feelings of a mother left, you will, perhaps, award to me. Messrs. +Childs, the bankers, can have orders to pay it to me when due; if they +receive no such orders, I shall be not in the least surprised, knowing +you to be in the hands of a villain who would not scruple to rob on +the highway; and shall try to find out some way in life for myself more +honourable than that by which the penniless Irish adventurer has arrived +to turn me out of my rights and home.' + +This mad epistle was signed 'Bullingdon,' and all the neighbours vowed +that I had been privy to his flight, and would profit by it; though I +declare on my honour my true and sincere desire, after reading the above +infamous letter, was to have the author within a good arm's length of +me, that I might let him know my opinion regarding him. But there was no +eradicating this idea from people's minds, who insisted that I wanted +to kill Bullingdon; whereas murder, as I have said, was never one of my +evil qualities: and even had I wished to injure my young enemy ever so +much, common prudence would have made my mind easy, as I knew he was +going to ruin his own way. + +It was long before we heard of the fate of the audacious young truant; +but after some fifteen months had elapsed, I had the pleasure of being +able to refute some of the murderous calumnies which had been uttered +against me, by producing a bill with Bullingdon's own signature, drawn +from General Tarleton's army in America, where my company was conducting +itself with the greatest glory, and with which my Lord was serving as +a volunteer. There were some of my kind friends who persisted still in +attributing all sorts of wicked intentions to me. Lord Tiptoff would +never believe that I would pay any bill, much more any bill of Lord +Bullingdon's; old Lady Betty Grimsby, his sister, persisted in declaring +the bill was a forgery, and the poor dear lord dead; until there came a +letter to her Ladyship from Lord Bullingdon himself, who had been at New +York at headquarters, and who described at length the splendid festival +given by the officers of the garrison to our distinguished chieftains, +the two Howes. + +In the meanwhile, if I HAD murdered my Lord, I could scarcely have been +received with more shameful obloquy and slander than now followed me in +town and country. 'You will hear of the lad's death, be sure,' exclaimed +one of my friends. 'And then his wife's will follow,' added another. 'He +will marry Jenny Jones,' added a third; and so on. Lavender brought me +the news of these scandals about me: the country was up against me. The +farmers on market-days used to touch their hats sulkily, and get out of +my way; the gentlemen who followed my hunt now suddenly seceded from it, +and left off my uniform; at the county ball, where I led out Lady Susan +Capermore, and took my place third in the dance after the duke and the +marquis, as was my wont, all the couples turned away as we came to them, +and we were left to dance alone. Sukey Capermore has a love of dancing +which would make her dance at a funeral if anybody asked her, and I had +too much spirit to give in at this signal instance of insult towards me; +so we danced with some of the very commonest low people at the bottom of +the set--your apothecaries, wine-merchants, attorneys, and such scum as +are allowed to attend our public assemblies. + +The bishop, my Lady Lyndon's relative, neglected to invite us to the +palace at the assizes; and, in a word, every indignity was put upon me +which could by possibility be heaped upon an innocent and honourable +gentleman. + +My reception in London, whither I now carried my wife and family, was +scarcely more cordial. On paying my respects to my Sovereign at +St. James's, His Majesty pointedly asked me when I had news of Lord +Bullingdon. On which I replied, with no ordinary presence of mind, 'Sir, +my Lord Bullingdon is fighting the rebels against your Majesty's crown +in America. Does your Majesty desire that I should send another regiment +to aid him?' On which the King turned on his heel, and I made my bow out +of the presence-chamber. When Lady Lyndon kissed the Queen's hand at the +drawing-room, I found that precisely the same question had been put to +her Ladyship; and she came home much agitated at the rebuke which had +been administered to her. Thus it was that my loyalty was rewarded, +and my sacrifice, in favour of my country, viewed! I took away my +establishment abruptly to Paris, where I met with a very different +reception: but my stay amidst the enchanting pleasures of that capital +was extremely short; for the French Government, which had been long +tampering with the American rebels, now openly acknowledged the +independence of the United States. A declaration of war ensued: all we +happy English were ordered away from Paris; and I think I left one +or two fair ladies there inconsolable. It is the only place where a +gentleman can live as he likes without being incommoded by his wife. +The Countess and I, during our stay, scarcely saw each other except upon +public occasions, at Versailles, or at the Queen's play-table; and our +dear little Bryan advanced in a thousand elegant accomplishments which +rendered him the delight of all who knew him. + +I must not forget to mention here my last interview with my good +uncle, the Chevalier de Ballybarry, whom I left at Brussels with strong +intentions of making his salut, as the phrase is, and who had gone into +retirement at a convent there. Since then he had come into the world +again, much to his annoyance and repentance; having fallen desperately +in love in his old age with a French actress, who had done, as most +ladies of her character do,--ruined him, left him, and laughed at him. +His repentance was very edifying. Under the guidance of Messieurs of the +Irish College, he once more turned his thoughts towards religion; and +his only prayer to me when I saw him and asked in what I could relieve +him, was to pay a handsome fee to the convent into which he proposed to +enter. + +This I could not, of course, do: my religious principles forbidding me +to encourage superstition in any way; and the old gentleman and I parted +rather coolly, in consequence of my refusal, as he said, to make his old +days comfortable. + +I was very poor at the time, that is the fact; and entre nous, the +Rosemont of the French Opera, an indifferent dancer, but a charming +figure and ankle, was ruining me in diamonds, equipages, and furniture +bills, added to which I had a run of ill-luck at play, and was forced to +meet my losses by the most shameful sacrifices to the money-lenders, by +pawning part of Lady Lyndon's diamonds (that graceless little Rosemont +wheedled me out of some of them), and by a thousand other schemes for +raising money. But when Honour is in the case, was I ever found backward +at her call: and what man can say that Barry Lyndon lost a bet which he +did not pay? + +As for my ambitious hopes regarding the Irish peerage, I began, on my +return, to find out that I had been led wildly astray by that rascal +Lord Crabs; who liked to take my money, but had no more influence to get +me a coronet than to procure for me the Pope's tiara. The Sovereign was +not a whit more gracious to me on returning from the Continent than he +had been before my departure; and I had it from one of the aides-de-camp +of the Royal Dukes his brothers, that my conduct and amusements at Paris +had been odiously misrepresented by some spies there, and had formed +the subject of Royal comment; and that the King had, influenced by these +calumnies, actually said I was the most disreputable man in the three +kingdoms. I disreputable! I a dishonour to my name and country! When +I heard these falsehoods, I was in such a rage that I went off to Lord +North at once to remonstrate with the Minister; to insist upon being +allowed to appear before His Majesty and clear myself of the imputations +against me, to point out my services to the Government in voting with +them, and to ask when the reward that had been promised to me--viz., the +title held by my ancestors--was again to be revived in my person? + +There was a sleepy coolness in that fat Lord North which was the most +provoking thing that the Opposition had ever to encounter from him. +He heard me with half-shut eyes. When I had finished a long violent +speech--which I made striding about his room in Downing Street, and +gesticulating with all the energy of an Irishman--he opened one eye, +smiled, and asked me gently if I had done. On my replying in the +affirmative, he said, 'Well, Mr. Barry, I'll answer you, point by point. +The King is exceedingly averse to make peers, as you know. Your claims, +as you call them, HAVE been laid before him, and His Majesty's gracious +reply was, that you were the most impudent man in his dominions, and +merited a halter rather than a coronet. As for withdrawing your support +from us, you are perfectly welcome to carry yourself and your vote +whithersoever you please. And now, as I have a great deal of occupation, +perhaps you will do me the favour to retire.' So saying, he raised his +hand lazily to the bell, and bowed me out; asking blandly if there was +any other thing in the world in which he could oblige me. + +I went home in a fury which can't be described; and having Lord Crabs to +dinner that day, assailed his Lordship by pulling his wig off his head, +and smothering it in his face, and by attacking him in that part of the +person where, according to report, he had been formerly assaulted by +Majesty. The whole story was over the town the next day, and pictures +of me were hanging in the clubs and print-shops performing the operation +alluded to. All the town laughed at the picture of the lord and the +Irishman, and, I need not say, recognised both. As for me, I was one of +the most celebrated characters in London in those days: my dress, style, +and equipage being as well known as those of any leader of the fashion; +and my popularity, if not great in the highest quarters, was at least +considerable elsewhere. The people cheered me in the Gordon rows, at +the time they nearly killed my friend Jemmy Twitcher and burned Lord +Mansfield's house down. Indeed, I was known as a staunch Protestant, and +after my quarrel with Lord North veered right round to the Opposition, +and vexed him with all the means in my power. + +These were not, unluckily, very great, for I was a bad speaker, and the +House would not listen to me, and presently, in 1780, after the Gordon +disturbance, was dissolved, when a general election took place. It came +on me, as all my mishaps were in the habit of coming, at a most unlucky +time. I was obliged to raise more money, at most ruinous rates, to face +the confounded election, and had the Tiptoffs against me in the field +more active and virulent than ever. + +My blood boils even now when I think of the rascally conduct of my +enemies in that scoundrelly election. I was held up as the Irish +Bluebeard, and libels of me were printed, and gross caricatures drawn +representing me flogging Lady Lyndon, whipping Lord Bullingdon, turning +him out of doors in a storm, and I know not what. There were pictures of +a pauper cabin in Ireland, from which it was pretended I came; others in +which I was represented as a lacquey and shoeblack. A flood of calumny +was let loose upon me, in which any man of less spirit would have gone +down. + +But though I met my accusers boldly, though I lavished sums of money in +the election, though I flung open Hackton Hall and kept champagne and +Burgundy running there, and at all my inns in the town, as commonly as +water, the election went against me. The rascally gentry had all turned +upon me and joined the Tiptoff faction: it was even represented that +I held my wife by force; and though I sent her into the town alone, +wearing my colours, with Bryan in her lap, and made her visit the +mayor's lady and the chief women there, nothing would persuade the +people but that she lived in fear and trembling of me; and the brutal +mob had the insolence to ask her why she dared to go back, and how she +liked horsewhip for supper. + +I was thrown out of my election, and all the bills came down upon me +together--all the bills I had been contracting during the years of my +marriage, which the creditors, with a rascally unanimity, sent in until +they lay upon my table in heaps. I won't cite their amount: it was +frightful. My stewards and lawyers made matters worse. I was bound up +in an inextricable toil of bills and debts, of mortgages and insurances, +and all the horrible evils attendant upon them. Lawyers upon lawyers +posted down from London; composition after composition was made, and +Lady Lyndon's income hampered almost irretrievably to satisfy these +cormorants. To do her justice, she behaved with tolerable kindness at +this season of trouble; for whenever I wanted money I had to coax +her, and whenever I coaxed her I was sure of bringing this weak and +light-minded woman to good-humour: who was of such a weak terrified +nature, that to secure an easy week with me she would sign away a +thousand a year. And when my troubles began at Hackton, and I determined +on the only chance left, viz. to retire to Ireland and retrench, +assigning over the best part of my income to the creditors until their +demands were met, my Lady was quite cheerful at the idea of going, and +said, if we would be quiet, she had no doubt all would be well; indeed, +was glad to undergo the comparative poverty in which we must now live +for the sake of the retirement and the chance of domestic quiet which +she hoped to enjoy. + +We went off to Bristol pretty suddenly, leaving the odious and +ungrateful wretches at Hackton to vilify us, no doubt, in our absence. +My stud and hounds were sold off immediately; the harpies would have +been glad to pounce upon my person; but that was out of their power. +I had raised, by cleverness and management, to the full as much on my +mines and private estates as they were worth; so the scoundrels were +disappointed in THIS instance; and as for the plate and property in the +London house, they could not touch that, as it was the property of the +heirs of the house of Lyndon. + +I passed over to Ireland, then, and took up my abode at Castle Lyndon +for a while; all the world imagining that I was an utterly ruined man, +and that the famous and dashing Barry Lyndon would never again appear in +the circles of which he had been an ornament. But it was not so. In the +midst of my perplexities, Fortune reserved a great consolation for me +still. Despatches came home from America announcing Lord Cornwallis's +defeat of General Gates in Carolina, and the death of Lord Bullingdon, +who was present as a volunteer. + +For my own desires to possess a paltry Irish title I cared little. My +son was now heir to an English earldom, and I made him assume forthwith +the title of Lord Viscount Castle Lyndon, the third of the family +titles. My mother went almost mad with joy at saluting her grandson as +'my Lord,' and I felt that all my sufferings and privations were repaid +by seeing this darling child advanced to such a post of honour. + + + + +CHAPTER XIX. CONCLUSION + +If the world were not composed of a race of ungrateful scoundrels, who +share your prosperity while it lasts, and, even when gorged with your +venison and Burgundy, abuse the generous giver of the feast, I am sure I +merit a good name and a high reputation: in Ireland, at least, where +my generosity was unbounded, and the splendour of my mansion and +entertainments unequalled by any other nobleman of my time. As long as +my magnificence lasted, all the country was free to partake of it; I had +hunters sufficient in my stables to mount a regiment of dragoons, and +butts of wine in my cellar which would have made whole counties drunk +for years. Castle Lyndon became the headquarters of scores of needy +gentlemen, and I never rode a-hunting but I had a dozen young fellows of +the best blood of the country riding as my squires and gentlemen of +the horse. My son, little Castle Lyndon, was a prince; his breeding and +manners, even at his early age, showed him to be worthy of the two noble +families from whom he was descended: I don't know what high hopes I had +for the boy, and indulged in a thousand fond anticipations as to his +future success and figure in the world. But stern Fate had determined +that I should leave none of my race behind me, and ordained that I +should finish my career, as I see it closing now--poor, lonely, and +childless. I may have had my faults; but no man shall dare to say of me +that I was not a good and tender father. I loved that boy passionately; +perhaps with a blind partiality: I denied him nothing. Gladly, gladly, +I swear, would I have died that his premature doom might have been +averted. I think there is not a day since I lost him but his bright face +and beautiful smiles look down on me out of heaven, where he is, and +that my heart does not yearn towards him. That sweet child was taken +from me at the age of nine years, when he was full of beauty and +promise: and so powerful is the hold his memory has of me that I have +never been able to forget him; his little spirit haunts me of nights +on my restless solitary pillow; many a time, in the wildest and maddest +company, as the bottle is going round, and the song and laugh roaring +about, I am thinking of him. I have got a lock of his soft brown hair +hanging round my breast now: it will accompany me to the dishonoured +pauper's grave; where soon, no doubt, Barry Lyndon's worn-out old bones +will be laid. + +My Bryan was a boy of amazing high spirit (indeed how, coming from such +a stock, could he be otherwise?), impatient even of my control, against +which the dear little rogue would often rebel gallantly; how much more, +then, of his mother's and the women's, whose attempts to direct him he +would laugh to scorn. Even my own mother ('Mrs. Barry of Lyndon' the +good soul now called herself, in compliment to my new family) was quite +unable to check him; and hence you may fancy what a will he had of his +own. If it had not been for that, he might have lived to this day: he +might--but why repine? Is he not in a better place? would the heritage +of a beggar do any service to him? It is best as it is--Heaven be good +to us!--Alas! that I, his father, should be left to deplore him. + +It was in the month of October I had been to Dublin, in order to see a +lawyer and a moneyed man who had come over to Ireland to consult with me +about some sales of mine and the cut of Hackton timber; of which, as I +hated the place and was greatly in want of money, I was determined to +cut down every stick. There had been some difficulty in the matter. It +was said I had no right to touch the timber. The brute peasantry about +the estate had been roused to such a pitch of hatred against me, that +the rascals actually refused to lay an axe to the trees; and my agent +(that scoundrel Larkins) declared that his life was in danger among +them if he attempted any further despoilment (as they called it) of the +property. Every article of the splendid furniture was sold by this time, +as I need not say; and as for the plate, I had taken good care to bring +it off to Ireland, where it now was in the best of keeping--my banker's, +who had advanced six thousand pounds on it: which sum I soon had +occasion for. + +I went to Dublin, then, to meet the English man of business; and so +far succeeded in persuading Mr. Splint, a great shipbuilder and +timber-dealer of Plymouth, of my claim to the Hackton timber, that he +agreed to purchase it off-hand at about one-third of its value, and +handed me over five thousand pounds: which, being pressed with debts at +the time, I was fain to accept. HE had no difficulty in getting down the +wood, I warrant. He took a regiment of shipwrights and sawyers from his +own and the King's yards at Plymouth, and in two months Hackton Park was +as bare of trees as the Bog of Allen. + +I had but ill luck with that accursed expedition and money. I lost the +greater part of it in two nights' play at 'Daly's,' so that my debts +stood just as they were before; and before the vessel sailed for +Holyhead, which carried away my old sharper of a timber-merchant, all +that I had left of the money he brought me was a couple of hundred +pounds, with which I returned home very disconsolately: and very +suddenly, too, for my Dublin tradesmen were hot upon me, hearing I had +spent the loan, and two of my wine-merchants had writs out against me +for some thousands of pounds. + +I bought in Dublin, according to my promise, however--for when I give +a promise I will keep it at any sacrifices--a little horse for my dear +little Bryan; which was to be a present for his tenth birthday, that was +now coming on: it was a beautiful little animal and stood me in a good +sum. I never regarded money for that dear child. But the horse was very +wild. He kicked off one of my horse-boys, who rode him at first, and +broke the lad's leg; and, though I took the animal in hand on the +journey home, it was only my weight and skill that made the brute quiet. + +When we got home I sent the horse away with one of my grooms to a +farmer's house, to break him thoroughly in, and told Bryan, who was all +anxiety to see his little horse, that he would arrive by his birthday, +when he should hunt him along with my hounds; and I promised myself +no small pleasure in presenting the dear fellow to the field that day: +which I hoped to see him lead some time or other in place of his fond +father. Ah me! never was that gallant boy to ride a fox-chase, or to +take the place amongst the gentry of his country which his birth and +genius had pointed out for him! + +Though I don't believe in dreams and omens, yet I can't but own that +when a great calamity is hanging over a man he has frequently many +strange and awful forebodings of it. I fancy now I had many. Lady +Lyndon, especially, twice dreamed of her son's death; but, as she was +now grown uncommonly nervous and vapourish, I treated her fears with +scorn, and my own, of course, too. And in an unguarded moment, over the +bottle after dinner, I told poor Bryan, who was always questioning me +about the little horse, and when it was to come, that it was arrived; +that it was in Doolan's farm, where Mick the groom was breaking him in. +'Promise me, Bryan,' screamed his mother, 'that you will not ride the +horse except in company of your father.' But I only said, 'Pooh, madam, +you are an ass!' being angry at her silly timidity, which was always +showing itself in a thousand disagreeable ways now; and, turning round +to Bryan, said, 'I promise your Lordship a good flogging if you mount +him without my leave.' + +I suppose the poor child did not care about paying this penalty for the +pleasure he was to have, or possibly thought a fond father would remit +the punishment altogether; for the next morning, when I rose rather +late, having sat up drinking the night before, I found the child had +been off at daybreak, having slipt through his tutor's room (this was +Redmond Quin, our cousin, whom I had taken to live with me), and I had +no doubt but that he was gone to Doolan's farm. + +I took a great horsewhip and galloped off after him in a rage, swearing +I would keep my promise. But, Heaven forgive me! I little thought of it +when at three miles from home I met a sad procession coming towards me: +peasants moaning and howling as our Irish do, the black horse led by the +hand, and, on a door that some of the folk carried, my poor dear dear +little boy. There he lay in his little boots and spurs, and his little +coat of scarlet and gold. His dear face was quite white, and he smiled +as he held a hand out to me, and said painfully, 'You won't whip me, +will you, papa?' I could only burst out into tears in reply. I have seen +many and many a man dying, and there's a look about the eyes which you +cannot mistake. There was a little drummer-boy I was fond of who was hit +down before my company at Kuhnersdorf; when I ran up to give him +some water, he looked exactly like my dear Bryan then did--there's no +mistaking that awful look of the eyes. We carried him home and scoured +the country round for doctors to come and look at his hurt. + +But what does a doctor avail in a contest with the grim invincible +enemy? Such as came could only confirm our despair by their account +of the poor child's case. He had mounted his horse gallantly, sat him +bravely all the time the animal plunged and kicked, and, having overcome +his first spite, ran him at a hedge by the roadside. But there were +loose stones at the top, and the horse's foot caught among them, and he +and his brave little rider rolled over together at the other side. The +people said they saw the noble little boy spring up after his fall and +run to catch the horse; which had broken away from him, kicking him on +the back, as it would seem, as they lay on the ground. Poor Bryan ran a +few yards and then dropped down as if shot. A pallor came over his face, +and they thought he was dead. But they poured whisky down his mouth, and +the poor child revived: still he could not move; his spine was injured; +the lower half of him was dead when they laid him in bed at home. The +rest did not last long, God help me! He remained yet for two days with +us; and a sad comfort it was to think he was in no pain. + +During this time the dear angel's temper seemed quite to change: he +asked his mother and me pardon for any act of disobedience he had been +guilty of towards us; he said often he should like to see his brother +Bullingdon. 'Bully was better than you, papa,' he said; 'he used not +to swear so, and he told and taught me many good things while you were +away.' And, taking a hand of his mother and mine in each of his little +clammy ones, he begged us not to quarrel so, but love each other, so +that we might meet again in heaven, where Bully told him quarrelsome +people never went. His mother was very much affected by these +admonitions from the poor suffering angel's mouth; and I was so too. I +wish she had enabled me to keep the counsel which the dying boy gave us. + +At last, after two days, he died. There he lay, the hope of my family, +the pride of my manhood, the link which had kept me and my Lady Lyndon +together. 'Oh, Redmond,' said she, kneeling by the sweet child's body, +'do, do let us listen to the truth out of his blessed mouth: and do you +amend your life, and treat your poor loving fond wife as her dying child +bade you.' And I said I would: but there are promises which it is out of +a man's power to keep; especially with such a woman as her. But we +drew together after that sad event, and were for several months better +friends. + +I won't tell you with what splendour we buried him. Of what avail are +undertakers' feathers and heralds' trumpery? I went out and shot the +fatal black horse that had killed him, at the door of the vault where we +laid my boy. I was so wild, that I could have shot myself too. But for +the crime, it would have been better that I should, perhaps; for what +has my life been since that sweet flower was taken out of my bosom? +A succession of miseries, wrongs, disasters, and mental and bodily +sufferings which never fell to the lot of any other man in Christendom. + +Lady Lyndon, always vapourish and nervous, after our blessed boy's +catastrophe became more agitated than ever, and plunged into devotion +with so much fervour, that you would have fancied her almost distracted +at times. She imagined she saw visions. She said an angel from heaven +had told her that Bryan's death was as a punishment to her for her +neglect of her first-born. Then she would declare Bullingdon was alive; +she had seen him in a dream. Then again she would fall into fits of +sorrow about his death, and grieve for him as violently as if he had +been the last of her sons who had died, and not our darling Bryan; who, +compared to Bullingdon, was what a diamond is to a vulgar stone. Her +freaks were painful to witness, and difficult to control. It began to +be said in the country that the Countess was going mad. My scoundrelly +enemies did not fail to confirm and magnify the rumour, and would add +that I was the cause of her insanity: I had driven her to distraction, I +had killed Bullingdon, I had murdered my own son; I don't know what else +they laid to my charge. Even in Ireland their hateful calumnies reached +me: my friends fell away from me. They began to desert my hunt, as they +did in England, and when I went to race or market found sudden reasons +for getting out of my neighbourhood. I got the name of Wicked Barry, +Devil Lyndon, which you please: the country-folk used to make marvellous +legends about me: the priests said I had massacred I don't know how +many German nuns in the Seven Years' War; that the ghost of the murdered +Bullingdon haunted my house. Once at a fair in a town hard by, when I +had a mind to buy a waistcoat for one of my people, a fellow standing by +said, ''Tis a strait-waistcoat he's buying for my Lady Lyndon.' And +from this circumstance arose a legend of my cruelty to my wife; and many +circumstantial details were narrated regarding my manner and ingenuity +of torturing her. + +The loss of my dear boy pressed not only on my heart as a father, but +injured my individual interests in a very considerable degree; for as +there was now no direct heir to the estate, and Lady Lyndon was of a +weak health, and supposed to be quite unlikely to leave a family, the +next in succession-that detestable family of Tiptoff--began to exert +themselves in a hundred ways to annoy me, and were at the head of +the party of enemies who were raising reports to my discredit. They +interposed between me and my management of the property in a hundred +different ways; making an outcry if I cut a stick, sunk a shaft, sold a +picture, or sent a few ounces of plate to be remodelled. They harassed +me with ceaseless lawsuits, got injunctions from Chancery, hampered my +agents in the execution of their work; so much so that you would have +fancied my own was not my own, but theirs, to do as they liked with. +What is worse, as I have reason to believe, they had tamperings and +dealings with my own domestics under my own roof; for I could not have +a word with Lady Lyndon but it somehow got abroad, and I could not be +drunk with my chaplain and friends but some sanctified rascals would +get hold of the news, and reckon up all the bottles I drank and all the +oaths I swore. That these were not few, I acknowledge. I am of the old +school; was always a free liver and speaker; and, at least, if I did and +said what I liked, was not so bad as many a canting scoundrel I know of +who covers his foibles and sins, unsuspected, with a mask of holiness. +As I am making a clean breast of it, and am no hypocrite, I may as well +confess now that I endeavoured to ward off the devices of my enemies +by an artifice which was not, perhaps, strictly justifiable. Everything +depended on my having an heir to the estate; for if Lady Lyndon, who +was of weakly health, had died, the next day I was a beggar: all my +sacrifices of money, &c., on the estate would not have been held in a +farthing's account; all the debts would have been left on my shoulders; +and my enemies would have triumphed over me: which, to a man of my +honourable spirit, was 'the unkindest cut of all,' as some poet says. + +I confess, then, it was my wish to supplant these scoundrels; and, as I +could not do so without an heir to my property, _I_ DETERMINED TO FIND +ONE. If I had him near at hand, and of my own blood too, though with +the bar sinister, is not here the question. It was then I found out the +rascally machinations of my enemies; for, having broached this plan to +Lady Lyndon, whom I made to be, outwardly at least, the most obedient +of wives,--although I never let a letter from her or to her go or arrive +without my inspection,--although I allowed her to see none but those +persons who I thought, in her delicate health, would be fitting society +for her; yet the infernal Tiptoffs got wind of my scheme, protested +instantly against it, not only by letter, but in the shameful libellous +public prints, and held me up to public odium as a 'child-forger,' as +they called me. Of course I denied the charge--I could do no otherwise, +and offered to meet any one of the Tiptoffs on the field of honour, and +prove him a scoundrel and a liar: as he was; though, perhaps, not +in this instance. But they contented themselves by answering me by a +lawyer, and declined an invitation which any man of spirit would have +accepted. My hopes of having an heir were thus blighted completely: +indeed, Lady Lyndon (though, as I have said, I take her opposition for +nothing) had resisted the proposal with as much energy as a woman of her +weakness could manifest; and said she had committed one great crime in +consequence of me, but would rather die than perform another. I could +easily have brought her Ladyship to her senses, however: but my scheme +had taken wind, and it was now in vain to attempt it. We might have had +a dozen children in honest wedlock, and people would have said they were +false. + +As for raising money on annuities, I may say I had used her life +interest up. There were but few of those assurance societies in my time +which have since sprung up in the city of London; underwriters did +the business, and my wife's life was as well known among them as, I do +believe, that of any woman in Christendom. Latterly, when I wanted to +get a sum against her life, the rascals had the impudence to say my +treatment of her did not render it worth a year's purchase,--as if my +interest lay in killing her! Had my boy lived, it would have been a +different thing; he and his mother might have cut off the entail of a +good part of the property between them, and my affairs have been put in +better order. Now they were in a bad condition indeed. All my schemes +had turned out failures; my lands, which I had purchased with borrowed +money, made me no return, and I was obliged to pay ruinous interest for +the sums with which I had purchased them. My income, though very large, +was saddled with hundreds of annuities, and thousands of lawyers' +charges; and I felt the net drawing closer and closer round me, and no +means to extricate myself from its toils. + +To add to all my perplexities, two years after my poor child's death, my +wife, whose vagaries of temper and wayward follies I had borne with for +twelve years, wanted to leave me, and absolutely made attempts at what +she called escaping from my tyranny. + +My mother, who was the only person that, in my misfortunes, remained +faithful to me (indeed, she has always spoken of me in my true light, as +a martyr to the rascality of others and a victim of my own generous and +confiding temper), found out the first scheme that was going on; and +of which those artful and malicious Tiptoffs were, as usual, the main +promoters. Mrs. Barry, indeed, though her temper was violent and her +ways singular, was an invaluable person to me in my house; which would +have been at rack and ruin long before, but for her spirit of order +and management, and for her excellent economy in the government of my +numerous family. As for my Lady Lyndon, she, poor soul! was much too +fine a lady to attend to household matters--passed her days with her +doctor, or her books of piety, and never appeared among us except at my +compulsion; when she and my mother would be sure to have a quarrel. + +Mrs. Barry, on the contrary, had a talent for management in all matters. +She kept the maids stirring, and the footmen to their duty; had an eye +over the claret in the cellar, and the oats and hay in the stable; saw +to the salting and pickling, the potatoes and the turf-stacking, the +pig-killing and the poultry, the linen-room and the bakehouse, and the +ten thousand minutiae of a great establishment. If all Irish housewives +were like her, I warrant many a hall-fire would be blazing where the +cobwebs only grow now, and many a park covered with sheep and fat cattle +where the thistles are at present the chief occupiers. If anything +could have saved me from the consequences of villainy in others, and +(I confess it, for I am not above owning to my faults) my own too easy, +generous, and careless nature, it would have been the admirable prudence +of that worthy creature. She never went to bed until all the house was +quiet and all the candles out; and you may fancy that this was a matter +of some difficulty with a man of my habits, who had commonly a dozen of +jovial fellows (artful scoundrels and false friends most of them were!) +to drink with me every night, and who seldom, for my part, went to bed +sober. Many and many a night, when I was unconscious of her attention, +has that good soul pulled my boots off, and seen me laid by my servants +snug in bed, and carried off the candle herself; and been the first +in the morning, too, to bring me my drink of small-beer. Mine were no +milksop times, I can tell you. A gentleman thought no shame of taking +his half-dozen bottles; and, as for your coffee and slops, they were +left to Lady Lyndon, her doctor, and the other old women. It was my +mother's pride that I could drink more than any man in the country,--as +much, within a pint, as my father before me, she said. + +That Lady Lyndon should detest her was quite natural. She is not the +first of woman or mankind either that has hated a mother-in-law. I set +my mother to keep a sharp watch over the freaks of her Ladyship; and +this, you may be sure, was one of the reasons why the latter disliked +her. I never minded that, however. Mrs. Barry's assistance and +surveillance were invaluable to me; and, if I had paid twenty spies +to watch my Lady, I should not have been half so well served as by the +disinterested care and watchfulness of my excellent mother. She slept +with the house-keys under her pillow, and had an eye everywhere. She +followed all the Countess's movements like a shadow; she managed to +know, from morning to night, everything that my Lady did. If she walked +in the garden, a watchful eye was kept on the wicket; and if she chose +to drive out, Mrs. Barry accompanied her, and a couple of fellows in my +liveries rode alongside of the carriage to see that she came to no harm. +Though she objected, and would have kept her room in sullen silence, +I made a point that we should appear together at church in the +coach-and-six every Sunday; and that she should attend the race-balls +in my company, whenever the coast was clear of the rascally bailiffs who +beset me. This gave the lie to any of those maligners who said I wished +to make a prisoner of my wife. The fact is, that, knowing her levity, +and seeing the insane dislike to me and mine which had now begun to +supersede what, perhaps, had been an equally insane fondness for me, I +was bound to be on my guard that she should not give me the slip. Had +she left me, I was ruined the next day. This (which my mother knew) +compelled us to keep a tight watch over her; but as for imprisoning her, +I repel the imputation with scorn. Every man imprisons his wife to a +certain degree; the world would be in a pretty condition if women were +allowed to quit home and return to it whenever they had a mind. In +watching over my wife, Lady Lyndon, I did no more than exercise the +legitimate authority which awards honour and obedience to every husband. + +Such, however, is female artifice, that, in spite of all my watchfulness +in guarding her, it is probable my Lady would have given me the slip, +had I not had quite as acute a person as herself as my ally: for, as +the proverb says that 'the best way to catch one thief is to set another +after him,' so the best way to get the better of a woman is to engage +one of her own artful sex to guard her. One would have thought that, +followed as she was, all her letters read, and all her acquaintances +strictly watched by me, living in a remote part of Ireland away from her +family, Lady Lyndon could have had no chance of communicating with +her allies, or of making her wrongs, as she was pleased to call them, +public; and yet, for a while, she carried on a correspondence under my +very nose, and acutely organised a conspiracy for flying from me; as +shall be told. + +She always had an inordinate passion for dress, and, as she was never +thwarted in any whimsey she had of this kind (for I spared no money to +gratify her, and among my debts are milliners' bills to the amount of +many thousands), boxes used to pass continually to and fro from Dublin, +with all sorts of dresses, caps, flounces, and furbelows, as her fancy +dictated. With these would come letters from her milliner, in answer to +numerous similar injunctions from my Lady; all of which passed through +my hands, without the least suspicion, for some time. And yet in these +very papers, by the easy means of sympathetic ink, were contained all +her Ladyship's correspondence; and Heaven knows (for it was some time, +as I have said, before I discovered the trick) what charges against me. + +But clever Mrs. Barry found out that always before my lady-wife chose to +write letters to her milliner, she had need of lemons to make her drink, +as she said; this fact, being mentioned to me, set me a-thinking, and +so I tried one of the letters before the fire, and the whole scheme +of villainy was brought to light. I will give a specimen of one of the +horrid artful letters of this unhappy woman. In a great hand, with wide +lines, were written a set of directions to her mantua-maker, setting +forth the articles of dress for which my Lady had need, the peculiarity +of their make, the stuff she selected, &c. She would make out long lists +in this way, writing each article in a separate line, so as to have more +space for detailing all my cruelties and her tremendous wrongs. Between +these lines she kept the journal of her captivity: it would have made +the fortune of a romance-writer in those days but to have got a copy of +it, and to have published it under the title of the 'Lovely Prisoner, +or the Savage Husband,' or by some name equally taking and absurd. The +journal would be as follows:-- + +***** + +'MONDAY.--Yesterday I was made to go to church. My odious, MONSTROUS, +VULGAR SHE-DRAGON OF A MOTHER-IN-LAW, in a yellow satin and red ribands, +taking the first place in the coach; Mr. L. riding by its side, on the +horse he never paid for to Captain Hurdlestone. The wicked hypocrite led +me to the pew, with hat in hand and a smiling countenance, and kissed +my hand as I entered the coach after service, and patted my Italian +greyhound--all that the few people collected might see. He made me +come downstairs in the evening to make tea for his company; of whom +three-fourths, he himself included, were, as usual, drunk. They painted +the parson's face black, when his reverence had arrived at his seventh +bottle; and at his usual insensible stage, they tied him on the grey +mare with his face to the tail. The she-dragon read the "Whole Duty of +Man" all the evening till bedtime; when she saw me to my apartments, +locked me in, and proceeded to wait upon her abominable son: whom she +adores for his wickedness, I should think, AS STYCORAX DID CALIBAN.' + +***** + +You should have seen my mother's fury as I read her out this passage! +Indeed, I have always had a taste for a joke (that practised on the +parson, as described above, is, I confess, a true bill), and used +carefully to select for Mrs. Barry's hearing all the COMPLIMENTS that +Lady Lyndon passed upon her. The dragon was the name by which she was +known in this precious correspondence: or sometimes she was designated +by the title of the 'Irish Witch.' As for me, I was denominated 'my +gaoler,' 'my tyrant,' 'the dark spirit which has obtained the mastery +over my being,' and so on; in terms always complimentary to my power, +however little they might be so to my amiability. Here is another +extract from her 'Prison Diary,' by which it will be seen that my Lady, +although she pretended to be so indifferent to my goings on, had a sharp +woman's eye, and could be as jealous as another:-- + +***** + +'WEDNESDAY.--This day two years my last hope and pleasure in life was +taken from me, and my dear child was called to heaven. Has he joined his +neglected brother there, whom I suffered to grow up unheeded by my side: +and whom the tyranny of the monster to whom I am united drove to exile, +and perhaps to death? Or is the child alive, as my fond heart sometimes +deems? Charles Bullingdon! come to the aid of a wretched mother, who +acknowledges her crimes, her coldness towards thee, and now bitterly +pays for her error! But no, he cannot live! I am distracted! My only +hope is in you, my cousin--you whom I had once thought to salute by a +STILL FONDER TITLE, my dear George Poynings! Oh, be my knight and my +preserver, the true chivalric being thou ever wert, and rescue me from +the thrall of the felon caitiff who holds me captive--rescue me from +him, and from Stycorax, the vile Irish witch, his mother!' + +(Here follow some verses, such as her Ladyship was in the habit of +composing by reams, in which she compares herself to Sabra, in the +'Seven Champions,' and beseeches her George to rescue her from THE +DRAGON, meaning Mrs. Barry. I omit the lines, and proceed:)-- + +'Even my poor child, who perished untimely on this sad anniversary, the +tyrant who governs me had taught to despise and dislike me. 'Twas +in disobedience to my orders, my prayers, that he went on the fatal +journey. What sufferings, what humiliations have I had to endure since +then! I am a prisoner in my own halls. I should fear poison, but that I +know the wretch has a sordid interest in keeping me alive, and that my +death would be the signal for his ruin. But I dare not stir without my +odious, hideous, vulgar gaoler, the horrid Irishwoman, who pursues my +every step. I am locked into my chamber at night, like a felon, and +only suffered to leave it when ORDERED into the presence of my lord (_I_ +ordered!), to be present at his orgies with his boon companions, and +to hear his odious converse as he lapses into the disgusting madness of +intoxication! He has given up even the semblance of constancy--he, who +swore that I alone could attach or charm him! And now he brings +his vulgar mistresses before my very eyes, and would have had me +acknowledge, as heir to my own property, his child by another! + +'No, I never will submit! Thou, and thou only, my George, my early +friend, shalt be heir to the estates of Lyndon. Why did not Fate join me +to thee, instead of to the odious man who holds me under his sway, and +make the poor Calista happy?' + +***** + +So the letters would run on for sheets upon sheets, in the closest +cramped handwriting; and I leave any unprejudiced reader to say whether +the writer of such documents must not have been as silly and vain a +creature as ever lived, and whether she did not want being taken care +of? I could copy out yards of rhapsody to Lord George Poynings, her old +flame, in which she addressed him by the most affectionate names, and +implored him to find a refuge for her against her oppressors; but they +would fatigue the reader to peruse, as they would me to copy. The fact +is, that this unlucky lady had the knack of writing a great deal more +than she meant. She was always reading novels and trash; putting +herself into imaginary characters and flying off into heroics and +sentimentalities with as little heart as any woman I ever knew; yet +showing the most violent disposition to be in love. She wrote always as +if she was in a flame of passion. I have an elegy on her lap-dog, the +most tender and pathetic piece she ever wrote; and most tender notes +of remonstrance to Betty, her favourite maid; to her housekeeper, on +quarrelling with her; to half-a-dozen acquaintances, each of whom she +addressed as the dearest friend in the world, and forgot the very moment +she took up another fancy. As for her love for her children, the above +passage will show how much she was capable of true maternal feeling: +the very sentence in which she records the death of one child serves +to betray her egotisms, and to wreak her spleen against myself; and she +only wishes to recall another from the grave, in order that he may be of +some personal advantage to her. If I DID deal severely with this woman, +keeping her from her flatterers who would have bred discord between us, +and locking her up out of mischief, who shall say that I was wrong? If +any woman deserved a strait-waistcoat,--it was my Lady Lyndon; and I +have known people in my time manacled, and with their heads shaved, in +the straw, who had not committed half the follies of that foolish, vain, +infatuated creature. + +My mother was so enraged by the charges against me and herself which +these letters contained, that it was with the utmost difficulty I could +keep her from discovering our knowledge of them to Lady Lyndon; whom it +was, of course, my object to keep in ignorance of our knowledge of her +designs: for I was anxious to know how far they went, and to what pitch +of artifice she would go. The letters increased in interest (as they say +of the novels) as they proceeded. Pictures were drawn of my treatment +of her which would make your heart throb. I don't know of what +monstrosities she did not accuse me, and what miseries and starvation +she did not profess herself to undergo; all the while she was living +exceedingly fat and contented, to outward appearances, at our house at +Castle Lyndon. Novel-reading and vanity had turned her brain. I could +not say a rough word to her (and she merited many thousands a day, I +can tell you), but she declared I was putting her to the torture; and +my mother could not remonstrate with her but she went off into a fit of +hysterics, of which she would declare the worthy old lady was the cause. + +At last she began to threaten to kill herself; and though I by no means +kept the cutlery out of the way, did not stint her in garters, and left +her doctor's shop at her entire service,--knowing her character full +well, and that there was no woman in Christendom less likely to lay +hands on her precious life than herself; yet these threats had an +effect, evidently, in the quarter to which they were addressed; for the +milliner's packets now began to arrive with great frequency, and the +bills sent to her contained assurances of coming aid. The chivalrous +Lord George Poynings was coming to his cousin's rescue, and did me +the compliment to say that he hoped to free his dear cousin from the +clutches of the most atrocious villain that ever disgraced humanity; and +that, when she was free, measures should be taken for a divorce, on the +ground of cruelty and every species of ill-usage on my part. + +I had copies of all these precious documents on one side and the other +carefully made, by my beforementioned relative, godson, and secretary, +Mr. Redmond Quin at present the WORTHY agent of the Castle Lyndon +property. This was a son of my old flame Nora, whom I had taken from her +in a fit of generosity; promising to care for his education at Trinity +College, and provide for him through life. But after the lad had been +for a year at the University, the tutors would not admit him to commons +or lectures until his college bills were paid; and, offended by this +insolent manner of demanding the paltry sum due, I withdrew my patronage +from the place, and ordered my gentleman to Castle Lyndon; where I made +him useful to me in a hundred ways. In my dear little boy's lifetime, +he tutored the poor child as far as his high spirit would let him; but +I promise you it was small trouble poor dear Bryan ever gave the +books. Then he kept Mrs. Barry's accounts; copied my own interminable +correspondence with my lawyers and the agents of all my various +property; took a hand at piquet or backgammon of evenings with me and +my mother; or, being an ingenious lad enough (though of a mean boorish +spirit, as became the son of such a father), accompanied my Lady +Lyndon's spinet with his flageolet; or read French and Italian with her: +in both of which languages her Ladyship was a fine scholar, and with +which he also became conversant. It would make my watchful old mother +very angry to hear them conversing in these languages; for, not +understanding a word of either of them, Mrs. Barry was furious when they +were spoken, and always said it was some scheming they were after. It +was Lady Lyndon's constant way of annoying the old lady, when the three +were alone together, to address Quin in one or other of these tongues. + +I was perfectly at ease with regard to his fidelity, for I had bred the +lad, and loaded him with benefits; and, besides, had had various proofs +of his trustworthiness. He it was who brought me three of Lord George's +letters, in reply to some of my Lady's complaints; which were concealed +between the leather and the boards of a book which was sent from the +circulating library for her Ladyship's perusal. He and my Lady too had +frequent quarrels. She mimicked his gait in her pleasanter moments; +in her haughty moods, she would not sit down to table with a tailor's +grandson. 'Send me anything for company but that odious Quin,' she would +say, when I proposed that he should go and amuse her with his books and +his flute; for, quarrelsome as we were, it must not be supposed we were +always at it: I was occasionally attentive to her. We would be friends +for a month together, sometimes; then we would quarrel for a fortnight; +then she would keep her apartments for a month: all of which domestic +circumstances were noted down, in her Ladyship's peculiar way, in her +journal of captivity, as she called it; and a pretty document it is! +Sometimes she writes, 'My monster has been almost kind to-day;' or, 'My +ruffian has deigned to smile.' Then she will break out into expressions +of savage hate; but for my poor mother it was ALWAYS hatred. It was, +'The she-dragon is sick to-day; I wish to Heaven she would die!' or, +'The hideous old Irish basketwoman has been treating me to some of her +Billingsgate to-day,' and so forth: all which expressions, read to Mrs. +Barry, or translated from the French and Italian, in which many of them +were written, did not fail to keep the old lady in a perpetual fury +against her charge: and so I had my watch-dog, as I called her, always +on the alert. In translating these languages, young Quin was of great +service to me; for I had a smattering of French--and High Dutch, when I +was in the army, of course, I knew well--but Italian I knew nothing of, +and was glad of the services of so faithful and cheap an interpreter. + +This cheap and faithful interpreter, this godson and kinsman, on whom +and on whose family I had piled up benefits, was actually trying to +betray me; and for several months, at least, was in league with the +enemy against me. I believe that the reason why they did not move +earlier was the want of the great mover of all treasons--money: of +which, in all parts of my establishment, there was a woful scarcity; but +of this they also managed to get a supply through my rascal of a godson, +who could come and go quite unsuspected: the whole scheme was arranged +under our very noses, and the post-chaise ordered, and the means of +escape actually got ready; while I never suspected their design. + +A mere accident made me acquainted with their plan. One of my colliers +had a pretty daughter; and this pretty lass had for her bachelor, as +they call them in Ireland, a certain lad, who brought the letter-bag +for Castle Lyndon (and many a dunning letter for me was there in it, God +wot!): this letter-boy told his sweetheart how he brought a bag of money +from the town for Master Quin; and how that Tim the post-boy had told +him that he was to bring a chaise down to the water at a certain hour. +Miss Rooney, who had no secrets from me, blurted out the whole story; +asked me what scheming I was after, and what poor unlucky girl I was +going to carry away with the chaise I had ordered, and bribe with the +money I had got from town? + +Then the whole secret flashed upon me, that the man I had cherished in +my bosom was going to betray me. I thought at one time of catching the +couple in the act of escape, half drowning them in the ferry which they +had to cross to get to their chaise, and of pistolling the young traitor +before Lady Lyndon's eyes; but, on second thoughts, it was quite clear +that the news of the escape would make a noise through the country, and +rouse the confounded justice's people about my ears, and bring me no +good in the end. So I was obliged to smother my just indignation, and +to content myself by crushing the foul conspiracy, just at the moment it +was about to be hatched. + +I went home, and in half-an-hour, and with a few of my terrible looks, I +had Lady Lyndon on her knees, begging me to forgive her; confessing +all and everything; ready to vow and swear she would never make such an +attempt again; and declaring that she was fifty times on the point of +owning everything to me, but that she feared my wrath against the poor +young lad her accomplice: who was indeed the author and inventor of +all the mischief. This--though I knew how entirely false the statement +was--I was fain to pretend to believe; so I begged her to write to her +cousin, Lord George, who had supplied her with money, as she admitted, +and with whom the plan had been arranged, stating, briefly, that she had +altered her mind as to the trip to the country proposed; and that, as +her dear husband was rather in delicate health, she preferred to stay at +home and nurse him. I added a dry postscript, in which I stated that it +would give me great pleasure if his Lordship would come and visit us +at Castle Lyndon, and that I longed to renew an acquaintance which in +former times gave me so much satisfaction. 'I should seek him out,' +I added, 'so soon as ever I was in his neighbourhood, and eagerly +anticipated the pleasure of a meeting with him.' I think he must have +understood my meaning perfectly well; which was, that I would run him +through the body on the very first occasion I could come at him. + +Then I had a scene with my perfidious rascal of a nephew; in which the +young reprobate showed an audacity and a spirit for which I was quite +unprepared. When I taxed him with ingratitude, 'What do I owe you?' said +he. 'I have toiled for you as no man ever did for another, and worked +without a penny of wages. It was you yourself who set me against you, +by giving me a task against which my soul revolted,--by making me a spy +over your unfortunate wife, whose weakness is as pitiable as are her +misfortunes and your rascally treatment of her. Flesh and blood could +not bear to see the manner in which you used her. I tried to help her +to escape from you; and I would do it again, if the opportunity offered, +and so I tell you to your teeth!' When I offered to blow his brains out +for his insolence, 'Pooh!' said he,--'kill the man who saved your poor +boy's life once, and who was endeavouring to keep him out of the +ruin and perdition into which a wicked father was leading him, when a +Merciful Power interposed, and withdrew him from this house of crime? I +would have left you months ago, but I hoped for some chance of rescuing +this unhappy lady. I swore I would try, the day I saw you strike her. +Kill me, you woman's bully! You would if you dared; but you have not the +heart. Your very servants like me better than you. Touch me, and they +will rise and send you to the gallows you merit!' + +I interrupted this neat speech by sending a water-bottle at the young +gentleman's head, which felled him to the ground; and then I went to +meditate upon what he had said to me. It was true the fellow had saved +poor little Bryan's life, and the boy to his dying day was tenderly +attached to him. 'Be good to Redmond, papa,' were almost the last words +he spoke; and I promised the poor child, on his death-bed, that I would +do as he asked. It was also true, that rough usage of him would be +little liked by my people, with whom he had managed to become a great +favourite: for, somehow, though I got drunk with the rascals often, and +was much more familiar with them than a man of my rank commonly is, +yet I knew I was by no means liked by them; and the scoundrels were +murmuring against me perpetually. + +But I might have spared myself the trouble of debating what his fate +should be, for the young gentleman took the disposal of it out of my +hands in the simplest way in the world: viz. by washing and binding up +his head so soon as he came to himself: by taking his horse from the +stables; and, as he was quite free to go in and out of the house and +park as he liked, he disappeared without the least let or hindrance; +and leaving the horse behind him at the ferry, went off in the very +post-chaise which was waiting for Lady Lyndon. I saw and heard no more +of him for a considerable time; and now that he was out of the house, +did not consider him a very troublesome enemy. + +But the cunning artifice of woman is such that, I think, in the long +run, no man, were he Machiavel himself, could escape from it; and +though I had ample proofs in the above transaction (in which my wife's +perfidious designs were frustrated by my foresight), and under her own +handwriting, of the deceitfulness of her character and her hatred +for me, yet she actually managed to deceive me, in spite of all my +precautions and the vigilance of my mother in my behalf. Had I followed +that good lady's advice, who scented the danger from afar off, as it +were, I should never have fallen into the snare prepared for me; and +which was laid in a way that was as successful as it was simple. + +My Lady Lyndon's relation with me was a singular one. Her life was +passed in a crack-brained sort of alternation between love and hatred +for me. If I was in a good-humour with her (as occurred sometimes) there +was nothing she would not do to propitiate me further; and she would +be as absurd and violent in her expressions of fondness as, at other +moments, she would be in her demonstrations of hatred. It is not your +feeble easy husbands who are loved best in the world; according to my +experience of it. I do think the women like a little violence of temper, +and think no worse of a husband who exercises his authority pretty +smartly. I had got my Lady into such a terror about me, that when I +smiled, it was quite an era of happiness to her; and if I beckoned to +her, she would come fawning up to me like a dog. I recollect how, for +the few days I was at school, the cowardly mean-spirited fellows would +laugh if ever our schoolmaster made a joke. It was the same in +the regiment whenever the bully of a sergeant was disposed to be +jocular--not a recruit but was on the broad grin. Well, a wise and +determined husband will get his wife into this condition of discipline; +and I brought my high-born wife to kiss my hand, to pull off my boots, +to fetch and carry for me like a servant, and always to make it a +holiday, too, when I was in good-humour. I confided perhaps too much +in the duration of this disciplined obedience, and forgot that the very +hypocrisy which forms a part of it (all timid people are liars in their +hearts) may be exerted in a way that may be far from agreeable, in order +to deceive you. + +After the ill-success of her last adventure, which gave me endless +opportunities to banter her, one would have thought I might have been on +my guard as to what her real intentions were; but she managed to mislead +me with an art of dissimulation quite admirable, and lulled me into a +fatal security with regard to her intentions: for, one day, as I was +joking her, and asking her whether she would take the water again, +whether she had found another lover, and so forth, she suddenly burst +into tears, and, seizing hold of my hand, cried passionately out,-- + +'Ah, Barry, you know well enough that I have never loved but you! Was I +ever so wretched that a kind word from you did not make me happy! ever +so angry, but the least offer of goodwill on your part did not bring me +to your side? Did I not give a sufficient proof of my affection for +you, in bestowing one of the first fortunes in England upon you? Have I +repined or rebuked you for the way you have wasted it? No, I loved you +too much and too fondly; I have always loved you. From the first moment +I saw you, I felt irresistibly attracted towards you. I saw your bad +qualities, and trembled at your violence; but I could not help loving +you. I married you, though I knew I was sealing my own fate in doing so; +and in spite of reason and duty. What sacrifice do you want from me? I +am ready to make any, so you will but love me; or, if not, that at least +you will gently use me.' + +I was in a particularly good humour that day, and we had a sort of +reconciliation: though my mother, when she heard the speech, and saw me +softening towards her Ladyship, warned me solemnly, and said, 'Depend +on it, the artful hussy has some other scheme in her head now.' The old +lady was right; and I swallowed the bait which her Ladyship had prepared +to entrap me as simply as any gudgeon takes a hook. + +I had been trying to negotiate with a man for some money, for which I +had pressing occasion; but since our dispute regarding the affair of +the succession, my Lady had resolutely refused to sign any papers for my +advantage: and without her name, I am sorry to say, my own was of little +value in the market, and I could not get a guinea from any money-dealer +in London or Dublin. Nor could I get the rascals from the latter place +to visit me at Castle Lyndon: owing to that unlucky affair I had with +Lawyer Sharp when I made him lend me the money he brought down, and +old Salmon the Jew being robbed of the bond I gave him after leaving my +house, [Footnote: These exploits of Mr. Lyndon are not related in the +narrative. He probably, in the cases above alluded to, took the law into +his own hands.] the people would not trust themselves within my walls +any more. Our rents, too, were in the hands of receivers by this time, +and it was as much as I could do to get enough money from the rascals to +pay my wine-merchants their bills. Our English property, as I have +said, was equally hampered; and, as often as I applied to my lawyers and +agents for money, would come a reply demanding money of me, for debts +and pretended claims which the rapacious rascals said they had on me. + +It was, then, with some feelings of pleasure that I got a letter from +my confidential man in Gray's Inn, London, saying (in reply to some +ninety-ninth demand of mine) that he thought he could get me some money; +and inclosing a letter from a respectable firm in the city of London, +connected with the mining interest, which offered to redeem the +incumbrance in taking a long lease of certain property of ours, which +was still pretty free, upon the Countess's signature; and provided they +could be assured of her free will in giving it. They said they heard +she lived in terror of her life from me, and meditated a separation, in +which case she might repudiate any deeds signed by her while in durance, +and subject them, at any rate, to a doubtful and expensive litigation; +and demanded to be made assured of her Ladyship's perfect free will in +the transaction before they advanced a shilling of their capital. + +Their terms were so exorbitant, that I saw at once their offer must be +sincere; and, as my Lady was in her gracious mood, had no difficulty in +persuading her to write a letter, in her own hand, declaring that the +accounts of our misunderstandings were utter calumnies; that we lived +in perfect union, and that she was quite ready to execute any deed which +her husband might desire her to sign. + +This proposal was a very timely one, and filled me with great hopes. +I have not pestered my readers with many accounts of my debts and law +affairs; which were by this time so vast and complicated that I never +thoroughly knew them myself, and was rendered half wild by their +urgency. Suffice it to say, my money was gone--my credit was done. I was +living at Castle Lyndon off my own beef and mutton, and the bread, turf, +and potatoes off my own estate: I had to watch Lady Lyndon within, and +the bailiffs without. For the last two years, since I went to Dublin +to receive money (which I unluckily lost at play there, to the +disappointment of my creditors), I did not venture to show in that city: +and could only appear at our own county town at rare intervals, and +because I knew the sheriffs: whom I swore I would murder if any ill +chance happened to me. A chance of a good loan, then, was the most +welcome prospect possible to me, and I hailed it with all the eagerness +imaginable. + +In reply to Lady Lyndon's letter, came, in course of time, an answer +from the confounded London merchants, stating that if her Ladyship +would confirm by word of mouth, at their counting-house in Birchin Lane, +London, the statement of her letter, they, having surveyed her property, +would no doubt come to terms; but they declined incurring the risk of +a visit to Castle Lyndon to negotiate, as they were aware how other +respectable parties, such as Messrs. Sharp and Salmon of Dublin, +had been treated there. This was a hit at me; but there are certain +situations in which people can't dictate their own terms: and, 'faith, +I was so pressed now for money, that I could have signed a bond with Old +Nick himself, if he had come provided with a good round sum. + +I resolved to go and take the Countess to London. It was in vain that +my mother prayed and warned me. 'Depend on it,' says she, 'there is some +artifice. When once you get into that wicked town, you are not safe. +Here you may live for years and years, in luxury and splendour, barring +claret and all the windows broken; but as soon as they have you in +London, they'll get the better of my poor innocent lad; and the first +thing I shall hear of you will be, that you are in trouble.' + +'Why go, Redmond?' said my wife. 'I am happy here, as long as you are +kind to me, as you are now. We can't appear in London as we ought; the +little money you will get will be spent, like all the rest has been. +Let us turn shepherd and shepherdess, and look to our flocks and be +content.' And she took my hand and kissed it; while my mother only said, +'Humph! I believe she's at the bottom of it--the wicked SCHAMER!' + +I told my wife she was a fool; bade Mrs. Barry not be uneasy, and was +hot upon going: I would take no denial from either party. How I was to +get the money to go was the question; but that was solved by my good +mother, who was always ready to help me on a pinch, and who produced +sixty guineas from a stocking. This was all the ready money that Barry +Lyndon, of Castle Lyndon, and married to a fortune of forty thousand a +year, could command: such had been the havoc made in this fine fortune +by my own extravagance (as I must confess), but chiefly by my misplaced +confidence and the rascality of others. + +We did not start in state, you may be sure. We did not let the country +know we were going, or leave notice of adieu with our neighbours. The +famous Mr. Barry Lyndon and his noble wife travelled in a hack-chaise +and pair to Waterford, under the name of Mr. and Mrs. Jones, and thence +took shipping for Bristol, where we arrived quite without accident. When +a man is going to the deuce, how easy and pleasant the journey is! The +thought of the money quite put me in a good humour, and my wife, as she +lay on my shoulder in the post-chaise going to London, said it was the +happiest ride she had taken since our marriage. + +One night we stayed at Reading, whence I despatched a note to my agent +at Gray's Inn, saying I would be with him during the day, and begging +him to procure me a lodging, and to hasten the preparations for the +loan. My Lady and I agreed that we would go to France, and wait there +for better times; and that night, over our supper, formed a score of +plans both for pleasure and retrenchment. You would have thought it +was Darby and Joan together over their supper. O woman! woman! when I +recollect Lady Lyndon's smiles and blandishments--how happy she seemed +to be on that night! what an air of innocent confidence appeared in +her behaviour, and what affectionate names she called me!--I am lost +in wonder at the depth of her hypocrisy. Who can be surprised that an +unsuspecting person like myself should have been a victim to such a +consummate deceiver! + +We were in London at three o'clock, and half-an-hour before the time +appointed our chaise drove to Gray's Inn. I easily found out Mr. +Tapewell's apartments--a gloomy den it was, and in an unlucky hour I +entered it! As we went up the dirty back-stair, lighted by a feeble lamp +and the dim sky of a dismal London afternoon, my wife seemed agitated +and faint. + +'Redmond,' said she, as we got up to the door, 'don't go in: I am +sure there is danger. There's time yet; let us go back--to +Ireland--anywhere!' And she put herself before the door, in one of her +theatrical attitudes, and took my hand. + +I just pushed her away to one side. 'Lady Lyndon,' said I, 'you are an +old fool!' + +'Old fool!' said she; and she jumped at the bell, which was quickly +answered by a mouldy-looking gentleman in an unpowdered wig, to whom she +cried, 'Say Lady Lyndon is here;' and stalked down the passage muttering +'Old fool.' It was 'OLD' which was the epithet that touched her. I might +call her anything but that. + +Mr. Tapewell was in his musty room, surrounded by his parchments and tin +boxes. He advanced and bowed; begged her Ladyship to be seated; pointed +towards a chair for me, which I took, rather wondering at his insolence; +and then retreated to a side-door, saying he would be back in one +moment. + +And back he DID come in one moment, bringing with him--whom do you +think? Another lawyer, six constables in red waistcoats with bludgeons +and pistols, my Lord George Poynings, and his aunt Lady Jane Peckover. + +When my Lady Lyndon saw her old flame, she flung herself into his arms +in an hysterical passion. She called him her saviour, her preserver, +her gallant knight; and then, turning round to me, poured out a flood of +invective which quite astonished me. + +'Old fool as I am,' said she, 'I have outwitted the most crafty and +treacherous monster under the sun. Yes, I WAS a fool when I married you, +and gave up other and nobler hearts for your sake--yes, I was a fool +when I forgot my name and lineage to unite myself with a base-born +adventurer--a fool to bear, without repining, the most monstrous tyranny +that ever woman suffered; to allow my property to be squandered; to see +women, as base and low-born as yourself'-- + +'For Heaven's sake, be calm!' cries the lawyer; and then bounded back +behind the constables, seeing a threatening look in my eye which the +rascal did not like. Indeed. I could have torn him to pieces, had he +come near me. Meanwhile, my Lady continued in a strain of incoherent +fury; screaming against me, and against my mother especially, upon whom +she heaped abuse worthy of Billingsgate, and always beginning and ending +the sentence with the word fool. + +'You don't tell all, my Lady,' says I bitterly; 'I said OLD fool.' + +'I have no doubt you said and did, sir, everything that a blackguard +could say or do,' interposed little Poynings. 'This lady is now safe +under the protection of her relations and the law, and need fear your +infamous persecutions no longer.' + +'But YOU are not safe,' roared I; 'and, as sure as I am a man of honour, +and have tasted your blood once, I will have your heart's blood now.' + +'Take down his words, constables: swear the peace against him!' screamed +the little lawyer, from behind his tipstaffs. + +'I would not sully my sword with the blood of such a ruffian,' cried my +Lord, relying on the same doughty protection. 'If the scoundrel remains +in London another day, he will be seized as a common swindler.' And this +threat indeed made me wince; for I knew that there were scores of writs +out against me in town, and that once in prison my case was hopeless. + +'Where's the man will seize me!' shouted I, drawing my sword, and +placing my back to the door. 'Let the scoundrel come. You--you cowardly +braggart, come first, if you have the soul of a man!' + +'We're not going to seize you!' said the lawyer; my Ladyship, her aunt, +and a division of the bailiffs moving off as he spoke. 'My dear sir, we +don't wish to seize you: we will give you a handsome sum to leave the +country; only leave her Ladyship in peace!' + +'And the country will be well rid of such a villain!' says my Lord, +retreating too, and not sorry to get out of my reach: and the scoundrel +of a lawyer followed him, leaving me in possession of the apartment, and +in company of the bullies from the police-office, who were all armed to +the teeth. I was no longer the man I was at twenty, when I should have +charged the ruffians sword in hand, and have sent at least one of them +to his account. I was broken in spirit; regularly caught in the toils: +utterly baffled and beaten by that woman. Was she relenting at the door, +when she paused and begged me turn back? Had she not a lingering love +for me still? Her conduct showed it, as I came to reflect on it. It was +my only chance now left in the world, so I put down my sword upon the +lawyer's desk. + +'Gentlemen,' said I, 'I shall use no violence; you may tell Mr. Tapewell +I am quite ready to speak with him when he is at leisure!' and I sat +down and folded my arms quite peaceably. What a change from the Barry +Lyndon of old days! but, as I have read in an old book about Hannibal +the Carthaginian general, when he invaded the Romans, his troops, which +were the most gallant in the world, and carried all before them, went +into cantonments in some city where they were so sated with the +luxuries and pleasures of life, that they were easily beaten in the next +campaign. It was so with me now. My strength of mind and body were no +longer those of the brave youth who shot his man at fifteen, and fought +a score of battles within six years afterwards. Now, in the Fleet +Prison, where I write this, there is a small man who is always jeering +me and making game of me; who asks me to fight, and I haven't the +courage to touch him. But I am anticipating the gloomy and wretched +events of my history of humiliation, and had better proceed in order. + +I took a lodging in a coffee-house near Gray's Inn; taking care to +inform Mr. Tapewell of my whereabouts, and anxiously expecting a visit +from him. He came and brought me the terms which Lady Lyndon's friends +proposed-a paltry annuity of L300 a year; to be paid on the condition of +my remaining abroad out of the three kingdoms, and to be stopped on the +instant of my return. He told me what I very well knew, that my stay +in London would infallibly plunge me in gaol; that there were writs +innumerable taken out against me here, and in the West of England; that +my credit was so blown upon that I could not hope to raise a shilling; +and he left me a night to consider of his proposal; saying that, if I +refused it, the family would proceed: if I acceded, a quarter's salary +should be paid to me at any foreign port I should prefer. + +What was the poor, lonely, and broken-hearted man to do? I took the +annuity, and was declared outlaw in the course of next week. The rascal +Quin had, I found, been, after all, the cause of my undoing. It was he +devised the scheme for bringing me up to London; sealing the attorney's +letter with a seal which had been agreed upon between him and the +Countess formerly: indeed he had always been for trying the plan, and +had proposed it at first; but her Ladyship, with her inordinate love of +romance, preferred the project of elopement. Of these points my mother +wrote me word in my lonely exile, offering at the same time to come over +and share it with me; which proposal I declined. She left Castle Lyndon +a very short time after I had quitted it; and there was silence in that +hall where, under my authority, had been exhibited so much hospitality +and splendour. She thought she would never see me again, and bitterly +reproached me for neglecting her; but she was mistaken in that, and in +her estimate of me. She is very old, and is sitting by my side at this +moment in the prison, working: she has a bedroom in Fleet Market over +the way; and, with the fifty-pound annuity, which she has kept with +a wise prudence, we manage to eke out a miserable existence, quite +unworthy of the famous and fashionable Barry Lyndon. + + Mr. Barry Lyndon's personal narrative finishes here, for the hand +of death interrupted the ingenious author soon after the period at which +the Memoir was compiled; after he had lived nineteen years an inmate +of the Fleet Prison, where the prison records state he died of delirium +tremens. His mother attained a prodigious old age, and the inhabitants +of the place in her time can record with accuracy the daily disputes +which used to take place between mother and son; until the latter, from +habits of intoxication, falling into a state of almost imbecility, +was tended by his tough old parent as a baby almost, and would cry if +deprived of his necessary glass of brandy. + +His life on the Continent we have not the means of following accurately; +but he appears to have resumed his former profession of a gambler, +without his former success. + +He returned secretly to England, after some time, and made an abortive +attempt to extort money from Lord George Poynings, under a threat of +publishing his correspondence with Lady Lyndon, and so preventing +his Lordship's match with Miss Driver, a great heiress, of strict +principles, and immense property in slaves in the West Indies. +Barry narrowly escaped being taken prisoner by the bailiffs who were +despatched after him by his lordship, who would have stopped his +pension; but Lady Lyndon would never consent to that act of justice, +and, indeed, broke with my Lord George the very moment he married the +West India lady. + +The fact is, the old Countess thought her charms were perennial, and was +never out of love with her husband. She was living at Bath; her property +being carefully nursed by her noble relatives the Tiptoffs, who were to +succeed to it in default of direct heirs: and such was the address of +Barry, and the sway he still held over the woman, that he actually had +almost persuaded her to go and live with him again; when his plan and +hers was interrupted by the appearance of a person who had been deemed +dead for several years. + +This was no other than Viscount Bullingdon, who started up to the +surprise of all; and especially to that of his kinsman of the house +of Tiptoff. This young nobleman made his appearance at Bath, with +the letter from Barry to Lord George in his hand; in which the former +threatened to expose his connection with Lady Lyndon--a connection, +we need not state, which did not reflect the slightest dishonour upon +either party, and only showed that her Ladyship was in the habit of +writing exceedingly foolish letters; as many ladies, nay gentlemen, have +done ere this. For calling the honour of his mother in question, Lord +Bullingdon assaulted his stepfather (living at Bath under the name of +Mr. Jones), and administered to him a tremendous castigation in the +Pump-Room. + +His Lordship's history, since his departure, was a romantic one, which +we do not feel bound to narrate. He had been wounded in the American +War, reported dead, left prisoner, and escaped. The remittances which +were promised him were never sent; the thought of the neglect almost +broke the heart of the wild and romantic young man, and he determined to +remain dead to the world at least, and to the mother who had denied +him. It was in the woods of Canada, and three years after the event had +occurred, that he saw the death of his half-brother chronicled in +the Gentleman's Magazine, under the title of 'Fatal Accident to Lord +Viscount Castle Lyndon;' on which he determined to return to England: +where, though he made himself known, it was with very great difficulty +indeed that he satisfied Lord Tiptoff of the authenticity of his +claim. He was about to pay a visit to his lady mother at Bath, when +he recognised the well-known face of Mr. Barry Lyndon, in spite of the +modest disguise which that gentleman wore, and revenged upon his person +the insults of former days. + +Lady Lyndon was furious when she heard of the rencounter; declined +to see her son, and was for rushing at once to the arms of her adored +Barry; but that gentleman had been carried off, meanwhile, from gaol to +gaol, until he was lodged in the hands of Mr. Bendigo, of Chancery Lane, +an assistant to the Sheriff of Middlesex; from whose house he went to +the Fleet Prison. The Sheriff and his assistant, the prisoner, nay, the +prison itself, are now no more. + +As long as Lady Lyndon lived, Barry enjoyed his income, and was perhaps +as happy in prison as at any period of his existence; when her Ladyship +died, her successor sternly cut off the annuity, devoting the sum +to charities: which, he said, would make a nobler use of it than the +scoundrel who had enjoyed it hitherto. At his Lordship's death, in the +Spanish campaign, in the year 1811, his estate fell in to the family of +the Tiptoffs, and his title merged in their superior rank; but it does +not appear that the Marquis of Tiptoff (Lord George succeeded to the +title on the demise of his brother) renewed either the pension of Mr. +Barry or the charities which the late lord had endowed. The estate has +vastly improved under his Lordship's careful management. The trees in +Hackton Park are all about forty years old, and the Irish property is +rented in exceedingly small farms to the peasantry; who still entertain +the stranger with stories of the daring and the devilry, and the +wickedness and the fall of Barry Lyndon. + +THE END + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Barry Lyndon, by William Makepeace Thackeray + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BARRY LYNDON *** + +***** This file should be named 4558.txt or 4558.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/4/5/5/4558/ + +Produced by Steve Harris, Charles Franks and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +http://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +http://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at http://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit http://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/old/old-2024-12-10/4558.zip b/old/old-2024-12-10/4558.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d38a37f --- /dev/null +++ b/old/old-2024-12-10/4558.zip |