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@@ -1,39 +1,4 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 93, -December 31, 1887, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 93, December 31, 1887 - -Author: Various - -Editor: Francis Burnand - -Release Date: August 28, 2012 [EBook #40599] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ASCII - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, DEC 31, 1887 *** - - - - -Produced by Wayne Hammond, Malcolm Farmer and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - - - +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40599 *** PUNCH, @@ -96,7 +61,7 @@ mellifluous accents of _Lucy_ and the Corkasian,--I think, though, it may be Galwaisian,--tones of her lover, I could not help wondering why the author, after the first few rehearsals, did not slightly alter the dialect and lay the scene in Ireland. The play is well worth seeing, and -begins at the easy hour of 8.45. There should be _matinees_ of a new +begins at the easy hour of 8·45. There should be _matinées_ of a new operetta, entitled _The Two Butlers_, characters by J. L. TORNE and THOMAS THOOLE. @@ -370,7 +335,7 @@ MY DEAR MR. PUNCH, I thank you for your advice. You were right when you told me to go and see Mrs. BERNARD BEERE in _As in a Looking Glass_. Indeed, she does hold the mirror up to "nature,"--which is in this instance what ZOLA calls -_la bete humaine_,--and in it is reflected the worn face, so weary of +_la bête humaine_,--and in it is reflected the worn face, so weary of wickedness and so hopeless of the future, of _Lena Despard_. The moral of the story--for moral there is--is never out of date. If we can ever retrace any of our steps in life, which I doubt, there are at all events @@ -381,7 +346,7 @@ can jump off our shadows. "Our deeds our angels are, or good or ill; Our fatal shadows that walk with us still." -And yet _la bete humaine_, has not quite killed the soul of this +And yet _la bête humaine_, has not quite killed the soul of this adventuress, for she is still capable of a real love, and of proving its reality by an awful self-sacrifice. This is not a Christmas spirit, is it? But you see I went before Christmas, and having done with tragedy, I @@ -408,7 +373,7 @@ this, except go with him to a Pantomime, Burlesque, or Circus? Yours, LITTLE PETERKIN. -P.S.--The Opera Comique is not the Theatre for a _tragedienne_. Joe +P.S.--The Opéra Comique is not the Theatre for a _tragédienne_. Joe says, "Yes it is--for Mrs. BEERE, because of the 'Op in it." * * * * * @@ -419,7 +384,7 @@ On Thursday night, Mr. WILSON BARRETT, brought out a new piece at the Globe, and in Leicester Square, the Empire Variety Show was inaugurated. The good-natured "Visible Prince," who is always ready to encourage Art in any form, and willing to "open" anything from a Cathedral to an -Oyster, was present at this _premiere_ of the New Music Hall. Poor W. B! +Oyster, was present at this _première_ of the New Music Hall. Poor W. B! "How long! How long!" By the way, it may be necessary to explain to some simple persons, that _The Empire_ has nothing whatever to do with The Imperial Institute. @@ -581,7 +546,7 @@ marvellously active intelligence is united to a strongly poetic temperament. Her eyes were like two exquisite saucers of liquid blue, from whose sapphire depths light and laughter seemed to sparkle up unbidden with every variation of her mobile and ever changing -countenance. Yet she was only a poor work-girl making her L2 16_s._ +countenance. Yet she was only a poor work-girl making her £2 16_s._ 6_d._ a week, under the new scale of prices, by button-holeing. "I am enjoying the evening, for who would not, Mr. HALFINCH?" she @@ -762,7 +727,7 @@ _Master of the Sentences_?" Must get his work, and revise some of my own. _Sir F. L-ght-n, P.R.A._ Commence getting up Academy Speech -for opening day. _Mem._--Read _Lempriere's Classical Dictionary_ +for opening day. _Mem._--Read _Lemprière's Classical Dictionary_ for subject for big R.A. picture. _Sir J. E. M-ll-s, R.A._ Knock off a few pictures for Illustrated @@ -777,7 +742,7 @@ rather a drag on me. Try and hit on some other popular notion as good as _Truth's_ Christmas Toys. Keep Eye on "EDMUND." _Mr. Edm-nd Y-t-s._ Write more Recollections and Experiences. -Call them _Moi-Memeries_. Keep eye on "HENRY." +Call them _Moi-Mêmeries_. Keep eye on "HENRY." _Mr. J. L. T-le._ Spend all my spare time in arranging jokes for speeches. Note them down every morning when shaving. Send @@ -808,10 +773,10 @@ not peculiarity, of my knowledge of this "Vast Metrolopus." _Mrs. B-rn-rd B-re._ Look after the acting rights of _La Tosca_. Get as good a play (if I can) as _As in the Looking-glass_, from the author of the novel. Go to Paris, and see dear SARAH. Find a better theatre than -the Opera Comique. +the Opéra Comique. _Mr. S-ntl-y._ Learn "_The Vicar of Bray_," and "_Father O'Flynn_," as I -have not added many new songs of late years to my _repertoire_. +have not added many new songs of late years to my _répertoire_. _Mr. S-ms R-v-s._ Keep all my notes for my Autobiography. What title? _Apologia?_ @@ -879,7 +844,7 @@ THE INFANT PHENOMENON. Are sure of flattery's fullest meed, And praise is sweet. - An early _debut_, my little man! + An early _début_, my little man! The dimpled digits you swiftly spread The sounding octaves can scarcely span, The pedals hardly your toes can tread. @@ -1124,9 +1089,9 @@ Articles._) "A merry Christmas! And why not a Merry Christmas, we should like to be informed? Is it not far better to be joyous and mirthful than to be----" -(&c. Supply vigorous epithets here). "A black-souled tyrant like CAESAR +(&c. Supply vigorous epithets here). "A black-souled tyrant like CÆSAR BORGIA could, no doubt, spend his Yule-tide in----" (&c., &c. Invent -some revolting anecdote about CAESAR B.) "Yet even those insufficiently +some revolting anecdote about CÆSAR B.) "Yet even those insufficiently clad progenitors of ours, the ancient Druids, seem to have understood as though by instinct the solemn nature of the season which to-day ushers in, and in what Mr. FREEMAN----" (or was it Lord TENNYSON? Never @@ -1492,7 +1457,7 @@ exception. Hint to the Howlers (A), 113 - His First Appearance at the Cafe des Ambassadeurs, 218 + His First Appearance at the Café des Ambassadeurs, 218 Holiday Hints, 105 @@ -1692,7 +1657,7 @@ exception. New Year's Card (A), 302 - Not a "Deus ex Machina," 150 + Not a "Deus ex Machinâ," 150 (Not at all) Bad Homburg, 155 @@ -1788,7 +1753,7 @@ exception. Price of Support (The), 85 - Private Banker's Paean (The), 77 + Private Banker's Pæan (The), 77 Privileged Pistols, 73 @@ -2176,7 +2141,7 @@ exception. Darwinian Ancestor (A), 265 - Debutante's Series of Suppers (A), 222 + Débutante's Series of Suppers (A), 222 Disadvantage of being an Aristocrat, 110 @@ -2539,7 +2504,7 @@ judgment-seat, or the "fulness" of the _Novum Organum Scientiarum_. _Mr. P._ Well said, Wisdom! -_Shaks._ (_chortling softly_). Why, who knows? One day, perchance,--aeons +_Shaks._ (_chortling softly_). Why, who knows? One day, perchance,--æons hence, of course,--some puzzle-headed pragmatist may propound the preposterous question, "Who wrote _Punch?_" From out the fathomless deeps of its many thousand wit-stored tomes the DONELLY of that dim and @@ -2591,359 +2556,4 @@ Italics denoted with underscores (_).] End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 93, December 31, 1887, by Various -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, DEC 31, 1887 *** - -***** This file should be named 40599.txt or 40599.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/0/5/9/40599/ - -Produced by Wayne Hammond, Malcolm Farmer and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 93, December 31, 1887 - -Author: Various - -Editor: Francis Burnand - -Release Date: August 28, 2012 [EBook #40599] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, DEC 31, 1887 *** - - - - -Produced by Wayne Hammond, Malcolm Farmer and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - - - - - PUNCH, - - OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. - - VOL. 93. - - DECEMBER 31, 1887 - - -ANOTHER "BUTLER;" OR, A THORNE IN HIS SIDE. - -[Illustration] - -Taking for granted the improbabilities of Mr. AUTHOR JONES'S plot--which -seems to use up again the materials of _Aurora Floyd_, and one or -two other novels, including the _Danvers Jewels_--and a certain -maladroitness of construction, _Heart of Hearts_ is both interesting and -amusing. All the characters are distinctly outlined excepting -one, and this one, strange to say, is _James Robins_, the hero of the -piece, a part apparently written rather to suit Mr. THOMAS THORNE'S -peculiarities, than to exhibit any marked individuality of character. - -_James Robins_, _Lady Clarissa Fitzralf's_ butler,--who is of course the -intimate friend of Mr. and Mrs. MERIVALE'S butler at Toole's Theatre -round the corner,--has secretly married his mistress's sister, and her -niece is openly to marry his mistress's son. Now, how about the -character of _James Robins?_ Is he honest? Hardly so. Is he sly? -Certainly. Is he crafty? It cannot be denied. Yet the sympathy of the -audience is with him. Why? Well, chiefly because he is played by Mr. -THORNE, and secondarily, because he is very fond of his brother's child, -whom he has brought up because his brother, having got into trouble and -been compelled to "do his time," has delivered her into his care. This -nice father returns, comes to see his child, and steals a ruby bracelet, -this ruby being the "heart of hearts." Whereupon one _Miss Latimer_, a -malicious schemer, fixes the theft on _Lucy Robins_. What more natural, -considering the name? The father, _Old Robins_, has stolen the jewel; -the daughter, _Lucy Robins_, has been accused of doing so. Quite a -robbin's family. Of course exculpation and explanation wind up the play, -though I regret to say I was compelled to leave before hearing how Mr. -AUTHUR JONES deals with that old reprobate Cock _Robins_, the parent -bird, who, in view of the future happiness of _Mary_ and _Ralph_, would -be about as presentable a father-in-law to have on the premises as that -old "unemployed" reprobate, _Eccles_, in _Caste_. I am sorry he wasn't -somehow disposed of, having of course previously confessed his guilt to -the bilious detective, _March_, and expired under the assumed name of -_Mister Masters_. By the way, AUTHUR JONES is not happy in nomenclature. - -The dialogue is good throughout, even when it only indirectly developes -character or helps the action, and so is the acting. Mr. THORNE as -_James_ is admirable; representing the character as a man gifted -with an overpowering appreciation of the humorous side of every -situation,--including his own as a butler,--in which either accident or -design may place him. I do not believe that this was the author's -intention, but this is the impression made upon me by Mr. THORNE'S -acting, and I am sure it could not be better played. Miss KATE RORKE is -charmingly natural; Mr. LEONARD BOYNE is unequal, being better in the -last Act than the first. My sensitive ear having been struck by the -mellifluous accents of _Lucy_ and the Corkasian,--I think, though, it -may be Galwaisian,--tones of her lover, I could not help wondering why -the author, after the first few rehearsals, did not slightly alter the -dialect and lay the scene in Ireland. The play is well worth seeing, and -begins at the easy hour of 8·45. There should be _matinées_ of a new -operetta, entitled _The Two Butlers_, characters by J. L. TORNE and -THOMAS THOOLE. - - * * * * * - -CORNET AND PIANO. - -AT A JUVENILE PARTY. - -_Cornet._ Ready? Yes, _I'm_ ready--but I'm not going to begin before I'm -asked. If they want us to strike up, let 'em come and ask us, d'ye see? - -_Piano._ Well, but there are all the children sitting about doing -nothing---- - -_C._ _Let_ 'em sit! They'll see you and me sittin' all the evenin', -strummin' and blowin' like nigger slaves, and a lot they'll care! Don't -you make no mistake, young Pianner, there ain't no sense in doin' more -than you're obliged--you'll get no credit for it, d'ye see? And don't -keep that programme all to yourself. Ah, one Swedish, one Sir Roger, and -a bloomin' Cotilliong--_they_'ll take two hours alone! We shan't work -this job off much before one, you see if we do. (_To Hostess._) Commence -now? By all means, Madam. Send us a little refreshment? Thank you, -Madam, we shall be exceedingly obliged to you. (_The refreshment -arrives._) Here's stuff to put liveliness in us, Mate--_Leminade!_ - -[_Puts jug under piano with intense disgust._ - -_P._ Well, I should think you'd lemon enough in you already. - -_C._ I _'ate_ kids, there--and that's the truth of it! It makes me -downright sick to see 'em dressed out, and giving themselves the airs -and graces of grown-ups. (_To Small Child._) Yes, my little dear, it's a -worltz this time. (_To Pianist._) Strike up, young P. and O! (_A little -later._) I'm blest if I don't believe you're _enjoying_ this, Pianner, -settin' there with that sort of a dreamy grin on your pasty countinance! - -_P._ And if I am, where's the harm of it? - -_C._ It's easy to see you ain't bin at it long, or you wouldn't take -that interest in it. Much they thank you for takin' a interest, these -bloated children of a pampered aristocracy! Why, they don't mind you and -me more than the drugget under their feet. Even gutter kids have got -manners enough to thank the Italian as plays the orgin for 'em to dance -to. Are _we_ ever thanked? I arsk you. - -_P._ The Italian plays for nothing. We don't. - -_C._ There you go, redoocin' everything to coppers. You're arguin' -beside the question, you are. Ever see a well-dressed kid give a orgin a -penny without there was a monkey a-top of it? _I_ never did. If you -chained a monkey to your pianner now, they might condescend to look at -yer now and then--not unless. - -_P._ Well, you can't deny they're a nice-looking set of children here. -Look at that one with the long hair, in the plush--like a little -Princess, she is. - -_C._ And p'raps she ain't aware of it, either! Why, there's that little -sister o' yours, that's got hair just as long, ah, and 'ud look as -pretty too, if she'd a little more colour; but you can't have colour -without capital. It's 'igh-feeding does it all, and money wrung from the -working-classes, like you and me. - -_P._ I don't know what _you_ call yourself. I'm a professional, and see -no shame in it. - -_C._ You can be as purfessional as you please, but you needn't be -poor-spirited. Come on; pound away! Ain't you got a uglier worltz than -that? - -AT SUPPER. - -_C._ I must say I ardly expected this--after the leminade. But you're -eatin' nothin', young Pianner. (_To Servant._) Thank 'ee, my pretty -dear, you may leave that raised pie where it is; and do you think you -could get us another bottle o' Sham, now--for my young friend here? (_To -Pianist._ You needn't think you've made a conquest with that moony mug -of yours. She's only lookin' after you to make _me_ jealous, d'ye see? I -know these minxes' ways, bless you.) - -_P. (with lofty bitterness)._ I've no wish to dispute it with you. - -_C._ Ah, you've had _your_ eye on the governess all the evening. I saw -you! - -_P. (blushing)._ You're talking folly, Cornet, and what's more, you know -it. - -_C._ That's her playin' upstairs now. I know a governess's polker--all -tum-tum and no jump to it. Wouldn't you like to go up and help her, eh? - -_P._ If I _am_ a wretch doomed to misery, it's not for you to remind me -of it, Cornet. It's not a friendly act, I'm blowed if it is! - -_C._ You're a regular Tant--Tarantulus, you know, that's what you are! -You'll be goin' mad on your music-stool--"I saw her dancin' in the -'All"--that sort o' thing, hey? - -_P. (with dignity.)_ It seems to me you've had quite enough of that -Champagne, and we've been down half-an-hour. - -_C._ You don't 'pear to unnerstand that a Cornet's very mush thirstier -instrumen' than a iron-grand out o' tune--but you're a good young -feller--I li' a shentimental young chap. I'm a soft-arted ole fool -myshelf! - -AFTER SUPPER. - -_C. (with emotion.)_ Loo' at that now, ain't that a sight to make a man -o' you? All these brit appy young faces. I could play for 'em all -ni'--blesh their 'arts! Lor, what a rickety chair I'm on, and thish -bloomin' brash inshtrumen's gone and changed ends. Now then, quicken up, -let 'em 'ave it--you are a shulky young chap! - -_P._ It is not sulks but misery. I swear to you, Cornet, that each -hammer I strike vibrates on my own heart-strings! - -_C._ Then you can be innerpennant of a pianner. - -_P._ I am young--but the young have their sorrows, I suppose. Is it -nothing to have to minister to others' gaiety with a bitter pang in -one's own breast? - -_C._ Thash wha' comes o'shtickin' to the leminade! - -A LITTLE LATER. - -_P. (aghast)._ I say, what _are_ you about? You mustn't, you know! - -_C. (smiling dreamily)._ It'sh all ri', dear boy! If a man fines he -can't breathe in 'sh bootsh--on'y loshical coursh 'fore him is to play -in socksh--d'ye see? - -AT PARTING. - -_The Cornet (to hostess, with benignant tenderness.)_ Goori', Madam, -Gobblesh you, I do' min' tellin' you, you've made me and the pianner -here, and ah, 'undreds of young innoshent arts very 'appy, Madam, you -may ta' that from _me_. I hope we've given complete satisfaction, 'm -sure we've had mosht pleasant shupper--I mean pleashant evenin'--_sho_ -glad we came. And you mushn't ta' no notish my young fren, he'sh been -makin' lil too free with the leminade, d'ye see? _Goo_ ri! [_Exit -gracefully, and is picked up at bottom of Staircase by the Pianist._ - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: TOBY'S GREETING.] - - * * * * * - -A NEW YEAR'S CARD. - - _Library, House of Commons, - New Year's Eve._ - - HONOURED SIR, - -I find in the Letter Bag a communication from that eminent statesman -GRANDOLPH. But I think it will keep for a week, and on this New Year's -Eve I will put in the Bag a letter of my own, addressed to him who, take -him for all in all, (as BACON wrote) is the most Eminent Man of the -century. No one, a cynic has said, is a hero to his own valet--meaning, -I suppose, that the closer a man is looked into the less profound his -valley appears. It has been my lot to sit at your feet for close upon -half-a-century, perched upon the pile of volumes which, oddly enough, -never grows an eighth-of-an-inch higher through the revolving years. You -have honoured me with your closest confidence. I have known your inmost -thoughts. I have often seen you, as you are weekly presented to an -admiring public, chuckling with finger to nose and brightened eye over -the inception of a joke, and I have observed you afterwards a little -depressed on reading it in the proof, struck with the conviction that it -was not quite so good as you thought. I am not your valet. But you are -truly my Hero. - -It may be said that I am prejudiced by receipt of personal favours. You -took me literally out of the streets to be your daily companion, and, at -friendly though still humble distance, to consort with the Beauty and -Brilliance that throngs your court. But for you I might years ago have -followed the historic precedent, gone mad to serve my private ends, bit -some unwholesome person and died. But you took me by the paw, lifted me -into your company, placed me on the pedestal of your ever-increasing but -never-swelling bulk of volumes, whence it was an easy matter to step on -to the lower level of the floor of the House of Commons. The prestige of -your name was sufficient to secure for me the suffrages of one of the -most important and one of the most enlightened county constituencies of -this still undivided Empire. - -As I sit here alone in this dimly-lighted chamber there glide along with -silent footfall an interminable procession of familiar faces and figures -that have passed through this room since I first took the oath and my -seat for Barkshire. DIZZY walks past, looking neither to the right nor -to the left, but conveying to the mind of the onlooker a curious -impression that he sees all round; and here comes kindly STAFFORD -NORTHCOTE and burly BERESFORD-HOPE, and TOM COLLINS, with the faded -umbrella he used to bring down through all the summer nights and -solemnly commit to the personal charge of the doorkeeper. And there goes -dear ISAAC BUTT, wringing his hands because of Major O'GORMAN'S revolt, -and W. P. ADAM, disappointed after his long fight which ended with -victory for his Party and something like a snub for himself. Here is -NEWDEGATE frowning at the scarlet drapery of a reading lamp; and behind -him, WHALLEY, wondering whether he was really in earnest when he -denounced him before the House of Commons as "a Jesuit in disguise." -Here, too, poor Lord HENRY LENNOX with his trousers turned up, and Sir -THOMAS MAY with a Peerage looming within hand's reach, and Captain -GOSSET steering his shapely legs towards his room to drink Apollinaris -and read up Hansard. All, all are gone, the old familiar faces, and the -New Year, which the bell-ringers are waiting to welcome in, is nothing -to them. Over there in the corner are the two chairs on which the form -of JOSEPH GILLIS reclined on the first all-night sitting that ever was, -when, the thing being fresh to Members, they were eager to stop up all -night, to walk round the recumbent form, dropping pokers and heavy -volumes with innocent attempt to disturb the slumberer. But JOSEPH -GILLIS slept, or seemed to sleep. He was giving the Saxon trouble, and -was not greatly inconvenienced himself. - -I have taken down from the shelves two volumes among the most recent and -most prized addition to our Library, and, turning over the leaves, come -upon fresh testimony to my Honoured Sir's prescience. Turning over _John -Leech's Pictures of Life and Character_, garnered from the Collection of -_Mr. Punch_, I find under date twenty-five years back, women of all -degrees presented under cover of monstrous hoops. Everybody wore -crinoline in those days. It was the thing, the only possible thing, and -the average human mind could not grasp the idea of there being any other -way of arraying the female form. But the prophetic eye of one of the -most brilliant of _Mr. Punch's_ Young Men peered into the future and -beheld what was to come.[1] In the very midst of delineations of these -everyday monstrosities, fearful in the drawing-room, grotesquely -exaggerated in the kitchen, JOHN LEECH flashed forth a view of the -future. There are three sketches of girls, two in the eelskin dress that -marked the rebound from the hideous tyranny of crinoline, and the third -showing a style of dress that might have been sketched to-day in Bond -Street, not forgetting the upper rearward segment of the crinoline which -survives at this day to hint what has been. _Ex pede Herculem._ It -seemed at the date a monstrous idea, a nightmare fancy, peradventure a -joke. But _Mr. Punch's_ calm eye pierced the veil of the future, and -saw then, as he has always seen, what was to be. - -[Footnote 1: There is a later example of this gift in the date of -another Young Man's letter.--ED.] - -This, Sir, is only a solitary instance of your prescience cited in -accidentally turning over the collected pages that seem so familiar and -are still so fresh. I could quote indefinitely as I turn over the -leaves. But time is shorter than usual this evening. There is less than -an hour left of 1877. The procession I spoke of just now has passed out -and closed the doors. Under brighter and more inspiriting auspices comes -another group. May I present them to my honoured Master? EIGHTEEN -EIGHTY-EIGHT this is _Mr. Punch_ of whom you may have heard. _Mr. -Punch_, this is EIGHTEEN EIGTHY-EIGHT of whom I expect you will hear a -good deal. And here, happier in his possessions than _King Lear_, are -his four daughters--Spring, Summer, Autumn, and Winter. They come to -wish you a Happy New Year in which no one joins so heartily as your -humble friend and servitor, - - TOBY, M.P. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: WHAT OUR ARTIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH. - -_Friendly Critic._ "HUMPH! A LITTLE _WOOLLY_ IN TEXTURE, ISN'T IT? OF -COURSE I DON'T MEAN THE _SHEEP_!"] - - * * * * * - -FROM A COUNTRY COUSIN. - -MY DEAR MR. PUNCH, - -I thank you for your advice. You were right when you told me to go and -see Mrs. BERNARD BEERE in _As in a Looking Glass_. Indeed, she does hold -the mirror up to "nature,"--which is in this instance what ZOLA calls -_la bête humaine_,--and in it is reflected the worn face, so weary of -wickedness and so hopeless of the future, of _Lena Despard_. The moral -of the story--for moral there is--is never out of date. If we can ever -retrace any of our steps in life, which I doubt, there are at all events -some false steps that never can be retraced. Our deeds become part and -parcel of ourselves, and we can no more rid ourselves of them than we -can jump off our shadows. - - "Our deeds our angels are, or good or ill; - Our fatal shadows that walk with us still." - -And yet _la bête humaine_, has not quite killed the soul of this -adventuress, for she is still capable of a real love, and of proving its -reality by an awful self-sacrifice. This is not a Christmas spirit, is -it? But you see I went before Christmas, and having done with tragedy, I -am looking forward to pantomimical stuff and nonsense. I had not read -the novel,--_you_ have, but considerately refrained from telling me the -plot,--so I enjoyed the performance without my memory compelling me to -compare it, for better or worse, with the original story. - -I have never seen Mrs. BEERE play anything before this, nor have I seen -SARAH BERNHARDT, who, as you tell me, was in other pieces this lady's -model. A London Cousin of mine, who is a theatre-goer, and knows several -of the leading actors and actresses "at home," tells me that in this -piece the individuality of the actress is completely merged in the part, -and that it is only when she is saying something very cynical, that he -was reminded by a mannerism peculiar to this actress how bitter this -BEERE could be on occasion. It is a pity her name is BEERE, because when -I asked my cousin (do you know him--JOSEPH MILLER?) if, off the stage, -this lady was really thin and tall, he replied, "Yes--Mrs. BEERE was -never stout, and was never a half-and-half sort of actress." - -And then, when I pressed him for serious answer, he said, "Well, she's -_Lena_ on the stage, as you see." What is one to do with a joker like -this, except go with him to a Pantomime, Burlesque, or Circus? - - Yours, LITTLE PETERKIN. - -P.S.--The Opéra Comique is not the Theatre for a _tragédienne_. Joe -says, "Yes it is--for Mrs. BEERE, because of the 'Op in it." - - * * * * * - -"DE DEUX SHOWS, UNE." - -On Thursday night, Mr. WILSON BARRETT, brought out a new piece at the -Globe, and in Leicester Square, the Empire Variety Show was inaugurated. -The good-natured "Visible Prince," who is always ready to encourage Art -in any form, and willing to "open" anything from a Cathedral to an -Oyster, was present at this _première_ of the New Music Hall. Poor W. B! -"How long! How long!" By the way, it may be necessary to explain to some -simple persons, that _The Empire_ has nothing whatever to do with The -Imperial Institute. - - * * * * * - -A Christmas Tip. - -"Tally ho! Yoicks, over there!" Which being translated, means go and see -the Sporting "Illustrations" at GERMAN REED'S--not "German" at all, for -you must always take this title _cum corney grano_, but "So English, you -know." And CORNEY GRAIN'S song afterwards, that marvellous duet between -Corney and Piano,--excellent! - - * * * * * - -There is now an Examination for everything. A man can't even become a -Bankrupt without passing an examination. Very hard this. - - * * * * * - -SOMETHING TO SWALLOW.--TOM TOPER says, "SHAKSPEARE'S plays were written -partly by SHAKSPEARE and partly by BACON. It was a 'split B. & S.'" - - * * * * * - -THE RECENT PRIZE-FIGHT.--What the French thought of it: an In-Seine -proceeding. - - * * * * * - -OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. - -[Illustration] - -I have just come across something on Modern Wiggism in the shape of an -amusing advertising book on the Wigs supplied to leading actors by the -theatrical perruquier FOX. "Nothing like leather," said the tanner; and -judging from the collection of illustrations and notices, it is, in Mr. -FOX'S opinion, more what is outside the head than what is in it, that -insures success on the Stage. The perruquier makes the wig, and the wig -makes the actor. There are portraits of various theatrical celebrities, -including one or two of Mr. TOOLE, in various wigs, whose presentments -in these pages may entitle the work to be called FOX'S _Book of -Martyrs_--willing martyrs, of course, and many of them after they've -strutted and fretted for several hours on the stage, quite ready to go -cheerfully to "The Steak." - -Mr. FREDERICK BARNARD'S CHARACTER SKETCHES FROM DICKENS have been -republished. They are the work of a true artist; but he should have left -_Mr. Pickwick_ alone. Who cares for an artistic _Mr. Pickwick?_ No; let -him ever remain the burlesque eccentricity invented by Mr. SEYMOUR, and -founded on DICKENS'S creation. But Mr. BARNARD'S _Mrs. Gamp_ and _Bill -Sikes_ are both quite truly Dickensonian. - - BARON DE BOOK WORMS. - - * * * * * - -NUGGETS IN NORTH WALES. - - There is legends, and traditions told, and narratives, and tales, - Of wealth in mountain crannies, caves, and cells of ancient Wales. - The dens of dwarves and fairies, sprites and goblins, imps and elves, - Where they, like misers, look you, kept their treasures to themselves. - - A cockatrice, a griffin, or a wivern watched the hoard, - In the coffers of the crystal rocks, and stone-strong chambers stored, - Breathed fire and flames, and ramped and raved in form to tear and rend, - And scratch and bite, and sting with tail, barbed arrow-like on end. - - The lions and the eagles and the snakes together linked, - The cockatrices, wiverns, and their tribes is all extinct. - No dragons could PENDRAGON, if alive yet, find to slay, - And the dwarves, and fays, and fairies all alike have gone away. - - Now GRIFFITHS is the Safe Man, and a griffin guards no more - The secret riches of the rocks--they lie concealed in ore; - The lodes and veins, and minerals, there's quantities untold - In the quarries and the crystals, and the quartzes, full of gold. - - It is an El Dorado, found in Mawddach's happy vale; - It is Mr. PRITCHARD MORGAN'S, look you, no romancer's tale. - And mines besides Gwmfynydd mine 'tis like there's them that owns; - Peradventure Mr. JENKINS, Mr. EVANS, Mr. JONES. - - North Wales will be a Golden Chersonesus, though the phrase - Is a little solecisms, indeed, suppose quartz-crushing pays. - And, moreover, in Welsh diggings what if nuggets there be found, - As large as leeks, and weighing from a scruple to a pound? - - A Golden Age in Wales, look you, there's goodly ground to hope, - And a theme of song besides to give the Bards unbounded scope, - And prizes at Eistedfoddau for poetry and odes, - On the find of gold in the quartzes and the metal-veins and lodes. - - * * * * * - -SOCIAL ROMANCE. - -_A "Fragment," extracted from the "Dim and Distant Future," as -imagined by Mr. Frederic Harrison._ - -It was a delightful summer evening, and East London was looking -its brightest. The eight hours of daily toil were over, and the crowds -of cheery-voiced and happy-faced working people were returning in -merry groups to their respective homes, scattered here and there -amid the splendid Co-operative Palaces that reared their decorated -fronts to meet the last golden glories of the setting sun, and break -the soft progress of the gentle evening breeze laden with the sweet -scents of the myriad flowers blooming freshly amid the verdant -_parterres_ and winding woodland walks by which they were divided -and surrounded. Here a rippling fountain made silvery music in -the air, while yonder the noisy brooklet could be traced cleaving -its headlong way to the lovely Thames flowing seaward tranquilly -beneath, its translucent surface being broken now and again only by -the leap from an occasional seventy-pound salmon revelling for very -joy in the highly hygienic quantity of the pure and crystal water in -which he was existing. Above was the faultless deep-blue glory -of an Italian sky. Beneath rare forest trees, amidst which the -graceful oleander and wild tamarisk flourished with all their native -strength, produced a grateful shade. So sparkling and smokeless -was the pervading atmosphere that merely to inhale it was a physical -pleasure. Sanitary and social science had indeed worked their -wonders here. East London had become to all those who dwelt amid -its fairy labyrinths a veritable earthly Paradise. And as he cast his -shapely but workmanlike frame with an elegant ease on to one of -the hundred comfortable lounges that at intervals fringed its green -swards throughout their entire length and breadth, no one in the full -flush of this glorious summer evening appreciated the fact more -keenly than did JEREMIAH HALFINCH. - -"Ah! this is delicious!" he cried, with enthusiasm; "just a few -moments' rest here to solve this problem, and then--_pour me rendre -chez moi!_" He spoke with all the easy grace and perfect _ton_ of a -West-End _raconteur_, and as he opened his basket of tools and produced -from it a translation of a new work on German Philosophy, in -the pages of which he was speedily engrossed, it was impossible not -to be struck by his general appearance. His frame was that of an -Herculean Apollo, while his head, with its finely-chiselled features -and long tawny moustache, nobly set upon his shoulders, might have -belonged to a Captain in the Guards. There was in his eyes something -of the look of an intelligent Chief Justice, and whenever he -moved it was with all the commanding dignity of a Lord Mayor. -In short, it needed only a glance at JEREMIAH HALFINCH to set him -down for what he was,--a fair specimen of the average type of the -working-man of the day. - -He was not, however, destined to be long in solving his philosophical -problem, a light step on the gravel-path caught his ear. He looked up. -"Ah! Miss BETSY JANE," he said, rising with a courtly grace as his eye -rested on the trim neatly dressed form of a girl of nineteen; "so you, -too, are enjoying the Elysian fragrance of this lovely evening?" - -The fair girl blushed slightly. She was very lovely. Her golden hair -crowned her beautifully shaped brow in broad deep bands. Her mouth had -that indescribable sweetness that is often met with in those in whom a -marvellously active intelligence is united to a strongly poetic -temperament. Her eyes were like two exquisite saucers of liquid blue, -from whose sapphire depths light and laughter seemed to sparkle up -unbidden with every variation of her mobile and ever changing -countenance. Yet she was only a poor work-girl making her £2 16_s._ -6_d._ a week, under the new scale of prices, by button-holeing. - -"I am enjoying the evening, for who would not, Mr. HALFINCH?" she -answered, half demurely, with a pretty pout, "but I have just come from -my Hydrostatic Class, and was thinking of looking in at the Opera on my -way home. They are doing "_Tristan und Isolde_," and a little _Wagner_ -is such a pleasant close to the day. Do not you think so?" - -"Indeed I do," he answered eagerly, "and I will accompany you--that is, -if I may," he added, apologetically. - -"If you _may_!" was the arch reply. In another minute they were -strolling leisurely along, side by side, towards the "Great Square of -Recreation," that was already scintillating in the distance, lit up with -the electric light as with the full blaze of day. As they were emerging -from the garden-path, they passed a small child. She was carrying a -little stone funereal urn, and she nodded to them. They stopped for a -moment. - -"Why, POLLY, dear, what have you got there?" asked BETSY JANE, stooping -down to kiss the child. - -"Oh! it's only Great Grandmother," went on the little speaker, volubly. -"I'm fetching her from the _Crematorium_. She was only _ashed_ -yesterday, you know, and father says he would like to have her on the -parlour chimney-piece as soon as possible; and so I am bringing her -home." - -"Well, my little woman," threw out HALFINCH, kindly. "Take care you -don't drop your Great Grandmother, that's all." - -"Oh no! I can carry her well enough," was the prompt response; and -little POLLY was soon bounding away across the grass merrily, with her -ancestral burthen. - - * * * * * - -BETSY JANE and JEREMIAH HALFINCH had presented their passes at the door -of the Opera House, listened to an Act of WAGNER'S incomparable music, -and were now once more coming homewards. Their conversation had had a -wide range, touching at one moment on the Norse _Saga_, and at another -on the Binomial Theorem; now on the Philosophy of EPICTETUS, and now on -the latest speculations as to the basis of Nebular Matter. They were -deeply interested in their talk, and it was not till they were suddenly -arrested in their progress that they became aware that their path was -stopped by a Policeman who was kindly stooping over a little child who -was crying over something she had dropped. - -"Oh! it is little POLLY; and she has let her Great Grandmother fall!" -cried BETSY JANE, much concerned. - -"Yes, and I have spilled her; and father will be so cross!" added the -child in tears, pointing to the broken vase and to some white ash that -laid upon the gravel path. - -"Never mind, my little woman, we will soon make it all right," answered -HALFINCH, at the same time taking an evening paper from his pocket, and -carefully collecting the broken fragments of the vase and its contents, -and making them up into a neat parcel. "There," he added, "he'll have to -get a new vase. But you may tell your father I think he'll find his -Grandmother all there. So wipe your eyes and get home as fast as you -can." - - * * * * * - -They watched the figure of the receding child. - -"You don't have much work down this way nowadays?" inquired HALFINCH -amiably of the Policeman. - -"Much work! Why, bless you, Sir, beyond occasionally running in an -Unemployed Sweater, we have none at all." - -"Well, good night, Miss BETSY JANE," said HALFINCH. - -"Good night, Mr. HALFINCH," responded the lovely girl. - -Then they each turned to their brilliantly-lighted Co-operative Palace -homes. Silence soon fell upon the scene. Another happy East-End day had -come to its luxurious close. - - * * * * * - -NEW YEAR MEMS. - -_Lord S-l-sb-ry._ Smother HOWARD VINCENT & CO.--at least in public. Give -private tip to HARTINGTON, BRIGHT, and GOSCHEN, to get me talked about -as a "second COBDEN." - -_Mr. W. E. Gl-dst-ne._ _Mem._--Feel a little "chippy" this morning. Go -out axing. Send New Year's Card to DOPPING. Forgive and Forget. Write -fewer letters, make fewer speeches, avoid railway station oratory; -CH-MB-RL-N'S imitating me there. Shall have him next taking to chopping -trees in Prince's Gardens. _Mem._--Return to use of post-cards; shall -also give up writing magazine-articles and devote myself more to -commercial pursuits; there's a good deal to be done in chips if one -gives his mind to it. Why not leave Hawarden and reside at Chipping -Norton? - -_Mr. B-lf-r._ Gingerly manipulate the "Crimes Act" across the Channel -for the next few weeks. _Mem._--Parliament opens Feb. 9th. Be careful -what I say or write about anybody. Consult Solicitor. - -[Illustration: Special.] - -_C. S. P-rn-ll._ Change my name and address next year, call myself -B-CKLE of the _Times._ - -_Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n._ Retire from "Fisheries'" as gracefully and as -soon as possible. As J-SSE C-LL-NGS would say, "Hook it." CODLING'S -the man. - -_The Lord Ch-f J-st-ce of Engl-nd._ Shall begin New Year by -leaving off voice lozenges, or may be called a "Sucking Ch-f -J-st-ce." Shouldn't like this, and I know of one worldly journalist -who wouldn't hesitate to write it. - -_The Right Hon. J. G. G-sch-n, M.P._ Think I shall go back to -the Liberal Party for a year at least; have tried them all round; find -the last rather worse than others. R-ND-LPH says I should by this -time be an authority on the principle of the "Theory of Exchanges." - -_Sir W-ll-m H-rc-rt, M.P._ Shall begin to get up every morning -at seven during recess, and go out for walk in glades of New Forest -before breakfast. Find it a capital place to think out _impromptus_ -for my speeches. - -_Monsignor P-rs-co._ _Mem._--Keep myself to myself, and don't say -nothing to nobody. - -_Archbishop Cr-ke._ Ask THOS. O'DW-ER of Limerick to dinner. -Cut National League on first opportunity. - -_Archbishop B-ns-n._ Study the Calendar of State Papers, time of -HENRY THE EIGHTH, carefully. Get portrait of myself done in full -canonicals, with the two acolytes in scarlet skull-caps and cassocks, -as we appeared at Truro. Pretty subject: great scope for artist. - -_Bishop of L-nd-n._ "Oblige B-NS-N." Ask ST-W-RT H-DL-M to -take me to the Alhambra. Try and get a copy of that now extinct -work, _Essays and Reviews_. - -_Lord D-nr-v-n._ Must find out what I really mean by "Fair -Trade." Write to _Notes and Queries_, and see if I can't get a -definition somehow. - -_Mr. O'Br-n._ Continue to pose as the "Martyr of Tullamore." -Meantime, endeavour to get supplied with still more fashionable -clothes. Why not a cheque suit, from America? - -_Cardinal M-nn-ng._ Do something of everything. _Mem._--Buy -new Filter. - -_The L-rd Ch-nc-ll-r._ Must really show some reason for my being -in this exalted position. Find comfortable quarters for a few of my -nephews, cousins, and sons-in-law who are still among "the -Unemployed." - -_The Right Hon. J-hn Br-ght, M.P._ _Mem._--J-HN BR-GHT, Always -right. Politeness costs nothing. Get someone to give me a short -manual of this almost-lost art, like prize-fighting. The latter being -revived. Practise both. - -_Mr. C. V-ll-rs St-nf-rd._ Inaugurate my Professorship in style. -Get to work, and show 'em I'm the best man to turn out a genuinely -successful first-class English Opera. - -_Professor H-xl-y._ Study SP-RG-N'S Sermons for jokes and style, -and read some theology, with a view to carrying out the great -object of my life--smashing W. S. L-LLY. - -_Mr. W. S. L-lly._ Write more _Chapters of History_. Devote five -minutes, one day when I have the leisure, to smashing H-XL-Y. - -_Mr. Justice St-ph-n._ Read up everything. After doing this, at -last give my attention to the study of law. _Mem._--Who was "The -_Master of the Sentences_?" Must get his work, and revise some of -my own. - -_Sir F. L-ght-n, P.R.A._ Commence getting up Academy Speech -for opening day. _Mem._--Read _Lemprière's Classical Dictionary_ -for subject for big R.A. picture. - -_Sir J. E. M-ll-s, R.A._ Knock off a few pictures for Illustrated -papers of Christmas, 1888. Any model with fair hair will do. -Write to P-RS' S--p people. - -_W. P. Fr-th, R.A._ Write more Recollections. _Note._--Wish -I'd taken to this sort of thing earlier in life. - -_Mr. L-b-ch-re, M.P._ Must get rid of BR-DL-GH; always been -rather a drag on me. Try and hit on some other popular notion as -good as _Truth's_ Christmas Toys. Keep Eye on "EDMUND." - -_Mr. Edm-nd Y-t-s._ Write more Recollections and Experiences. -Call them _Moi-Mêmeries_. Keep eye on "HENRY." - -_Mr. J. L. T-le._ Spend all my spare time in arranging jokes for -speeches. Note them down every morning when shaving. Send -an occasional letter to friend IRV-NG. - -_H. Irv-ng._ Refuse title if offered. Tell friend T-LE to do the same. - -_Mr. J. L. S-ll-v-n (Pugilist)._ Challenge somebody. "Excuse -my glove." - -_Mr. J. Sm-th (Pugilist)._ Challenge S-LL-V-N, and fight him. - -_Sir A. S-ll-v-n (Composer)._ Leave Society to the other S-LL-V-N. -Have had enough of it. Get back to my music. Give up G-LB-RT -as soon as possible. - -_Mr. W. S. G-lb-rt._ Hang music. Write something or other -without it. As soon as possible, give up S-LL-V-N. Also dispense -with GR-SSM-TH. - -_F. L-ckw-d, Q.C., M.P._ Renounce Law and Politics. Draw for _Punch_. -Ask H. F-RN-SS to give me a few lessons. - -_Right Hon. D-vid R. Pl-nk-t, M.P._ Take a walk about London every -morning _at least_, with view to rivalling _Sam Weller_ in extent, if -not peculiarity, of my knowledge of this "Vast Metrolopus." - -_Mrs. B-rn-rd B-re._ Look after the acting rights of _La Tosca_. Get as -good a play (if I can) as _As in the Looking-glass_, from the author of -the novel. Go to Paris, and see dear SARAH. Find a better theatre than -the Opéra Comique. - -_Mr. S-ntl-y._ Learn "_The Vicar of Bray_," and "_Father O'Flynn_," as I -have not added many new songs of late years to my _répertoire_. - -_Mr. S-ms R-v-s._ Keep all my notes for my Autobiography. What title? -_Apologia?_ - -_M-d-me P-tti._ Have "_Home, Sweet Home_," translated into foreign -languages, to give it an air of novelty. Leave Wales to the Welshers. - -_Mr. A-g-st-s H-rr-s._ Commence Pantomime for 1888-89. Entertain -everybody. Send Life Pass for the Queen's Box, to the Assistant -Architect of the Metropolitan Board of Works. Must be presented at Court -this year. Should look well in Court suit. - -_Dr. R-bs-n R-se._ Must invent something new in the diet line for New -Year; shall cut off claret and hot water and their dry toast. _Mem._--To -write article in _F-rtn-ghtly_ on "The Here and There of London Life," -and point out the absolute necessity of consulting me on every subject. -Recommend (as something novel), taking soup after cheese. This advice -ought to increase my practice considerably. - -_The Rev. Dr. P-rk-r._ Shall stay at home; at least, won't go again to -United States; too vast. - -_Mr. B-s-nt._ Keep my name well before the public. Think New Novel, _All -Sorts of Mortiboys_, by Sir W-LT-R B-S-NT, Bart., would have good effect -with publishers. Get W-LS-N B-RR-TT to dramatise with me, of course. -Shall ask him not to act in it. Off to Africa, to get away from "London -blacks." - -_Mr. N-rm-n L-cky-r._ Write _Magnum Opus_, on the action of Snowballs in -Space. - -_Sir M-r-ll M-ck-nz-e._ Make careful study of the peculiar diseases -incident to "Rumour's lying throat"--especially in Germany. - -_Ch-rm-n of M-ddl-s-x M-g-str-t-s._ Attend some Metropolitan -Music Hall every night of my life. - -_Ed-t-r of P. M. G._ Get Stead-ier every day. - -_Mr. Punch._ To wish a Happy New Year to everybody generally. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THE PENNY READING. - -(ANNALS OF A QUIET NEIGHBOURHOOD.) - -_Distinguished Amateur Vocalist (both Serious and Comic)._ "I CAN'T SAY -YOU HAVE A VERY APPRECIATIVE PUBLIC UP HERE! I NEVER SANG '_VILIKINS AND -HIS DINAH_' BETTER--BUT NOBODY LAUGHED A BIT!" - -_Horrid Boy._ "OH, BUT THEY DID WHEN YOU SANG '_THE DEATH OF NELSON_.' I -SAW THEM!"] - - * * * * * - -THE INFANT PHENOMENON. - - What will he play? Oh! young New Year, - Precocious power and baby skill - To Music's zealots are strangely dear; - The tiny fingers that thump and trill, - That sweep the keyboard with splendid speed, - Like rattling rain-drops, or fairy-feet, - Are sure of flattery's fullest meed, - And praise is sweet. - - An early _début_, my little man! - The dimpled digits you swiftly spread - The sounding octaves can scarcely span, - The pedals hardly your toes can tread. - Yet here you are, and the public ear - Is all agog for the opening chords, - With breathless mingling of hope and fear, - Too deep for words. - - The Future's Music before you stands, - Time at your elbow is prompt to turn. - 'Twill tax the force of your infant hands, - Prodigies even have much to learn. - MOZART, or HOFFMANN, or LISZT, of course, - You may turn out in your own new line; - May give us freshly the fire and force - Of RUBINSTEIN. - - The hour, young Hopeful, seems something scant - In present promise of Harmony; - Our leading music is militant. - Touch us a stave in a cheerful key! - We have abundance of crash and blare, - Drums and trumpets make angry noise; - Most of us long for a Lydian air, - O, best of boys! - - Something Arcadian, manly-sweet, - Blending notes of the lyre and flute; - Pastoral Symphony gaily fleet, - Moaning chords in the minor mute. - Something stirring to lift the heart, - Something merry to move the toes; - Melody pure with a mirthful start - And a moving close. - - Charges, marches, bugle-blasts, - Clarion-calls to the onset, tire; - Martial music a sadness casts, - Too long blown, e'en on hearts of fire. - Still the trumpet, and drop the drum! - Bid the fife for a moment cease! - Boy, we'll bless you if you'll but strum - The notes of Peace. - - Wagner-worry of key and string - Has its power, and holds its place; - Touch to-day, boy, the chords that sing - Of love and gladness, of mirth and grace. - The future's Music you fain must play? - True! Yet turn ere a chord is struck. - A bumper, boy, to a brighter day! - Here's health and luck! - - * * * * * - -UNCOMMON. - -Mr. PUNCH lately learned to his extreme astonishment and delight that he -is one of the independent Electors of the Ward of Farringdon Without. He -gathered this important information from the receipt of a highly -illustrated card from one of the numerous candidates to represent him in -that illustrious body the Court of Common Council, during the coming -year, soliciting the honour of his vote and interest. - -The Candidate in question described at length his various qualifications -for the office he sought. He kindly informed _Mr. Punch_ that he was a -Citizen, a Loriner--whatever that mysterious occupation may mean--and a -People's Caterer, and any doubt that might have been entertained with -regard to the especial business for, which he catered was at once -removed by the perusal of the last line of his canvassing card, which, -after kindly informing Mr. Punch that he had no less than sixteen votes -at his disposal, finished with the remarkable request, "Kindly PLUMP for -your Little SAUSAGE MAKER!" - -Naturally wondering why a little Sausage Maker should be considered as -so peculiarly eligible for the office of Common Councilman, that every -elector should plump for him, _Mr. Punch_ again examined the mysterious -card, and found on its back a graphic representation of a race for the -"Pork Sausage Derby," showing the Candidate, mounted on a decidedly -thoroughbred Pig, coming in an easy winner with the rest nowhere, amid -the chorus of the surrounding multitude. - -Doubting whether a Large Tripe Dresser, or a Middle-sized Mutton-Pieman, -would not have equal claims upon his Plumper to that of a Little Sausage -Maker, _Mr. Punch_ decided to take no part in the Election for Common -Councilmen until the real meaning of the word "Common" is better -understood than it evidently is at present by some aspirants to the -Office in question. - -[Illustration: THE INFANT PHENOMENON. - -LITTLE 1888. "WHAT SHALL I PLAY?" - -FATHER TIME. "THE 'MUSIC OF THE FUTURE,' MY DEAR, OF COURSE"!!!] - - * * * * * - -DOLL-CE DOMUM. - -One of the prettiest and most seasonable sights we have seen for a long -while was the display of toys collected by the proprietor of _Truth_ -from the readers of that entertaining periodical, exhibited in Willis's -Rooms before distribution amongst the children of our hospitals and -work-houses. The dolls (there were thousands and thousands of them) -seemed to be bidding the fashionable world adieu before entering, like -so many Sisters of Mercy, upon a mission of tender charity to the sick -poor. There was a private view on Sunday, a week before Christmas Day, -and those who examined the treasures revealing the glories of Regent -Street and the Lowther Arcade, could not help thinking "Mr. _Labouchere_ -must have a heart as good as his head, and be a very kind man _au -fond_." We wonder whether that confirmed cynic, the proprietor of -_Truth_, would make the same admission? - - * * * * * - -The reasons given in the correspondence published in the _Times_ of last -Thursday for discharging Mr. HIGHTON from his offices in connection with -the Westminster Play seem to us inadequate. Instead of his work tending -to lower the tone of the performance, surely its effect would obviously -be to Highton it. - - * * * * * - -Of course SMITH and KILRAIN passed their Boxing-Day together. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "TO PUT IT BROADLY." - -_Improvised Butler (to Distinguished Guest)._ "WILL YE TAKE ANNY MORE -DRINK, SOR?"] - - * * * * * - -ROBERT ON THE FRENCH TUNG. - -[Illustration] - -I begins to feel as how the older one gits the more a little bother -seems to worry him. There was a time when I could look bothers in the -face with the same carm look as I lissens to a gent when he tries to -perswade me as how as that port isn't '47 Port, but them times is gorn -I'm afeard, never to return. - -My present bother came upon me amost like a moderate size thunderbolt, -and was summut in this way. The Manager of one of my best Hotels took me -into his privet room, one day larst week, and had sum werry sollem tork -with me. He was werry kind, and werry considerate, but he was also werry -furm, and what he said was summut like this:-- - -"You see, ROBERT," said he, "things is a changing in Hotels as is amost -all other things, and all things as is jest a leetle old fashoned and a -leetle rusty, as it were, must be jest pollished up a bit, and made a -little fresher like. Now take our Hotel, for xample. See what lots of -forren gents comes and stays here, and many on 'em so orful ignorant -that they carnt not hardly speak a word of Inglish! Well, if they arsks -one of our Hed Waiters a plain common question in French, which they all -on 'em seems to know how to tork, they natrally expecs a anser. Now, -what French do you know?" - -I confess I was so taken aback at the suddenness of the question, that I -was amost speechless. But I pulled myself together, like a man and a Hed -Waiter, and said, "Not werry much, Sir, but when I was in Brussels two -years ago, witch, I bleeves is sumwheres in France, I lernt jest a few -words from the gassons at the Flarnders Hotel, witch I have treasured up -in fond memory, and may find usefool sumtimes." "Oh," said he, "I didn't -know you had travelled, so perhaps you will be able to manage." - -I didn't think it worth while to tell him that I had only been in -Brussells two days, and that it rained all the time, as I was told it -amost always does there, hence so many Brussells Sprouts, but I at wunce -made up my mind to strike up a closer acquaintence with one of our yung -French Waiters to himprove myself in his tung, and himprove him in ours. -And I'm getting on quite wunderfool. Why, ony yesterday a forren gent -said to me, "Encore de Pulley, Gasson!" to which I at wunce replied, "Be -hanged! Mossoo," and took him some. I was a good deal emused at his -calling me a boy, but my young French friend told me as it was only -their way, and didn't mean no offense, so I forguv him. But wot a -langwidge! to encore a biled chicking as if it was a comick song! Of -course I sumtimes makes mistakes, who woodn't? Last Munday, for -instance, a forrener asked me for some raisins, and of course I took him -some and some armonds with 'em, but he larfed quite artily, and kindly -sed, "I sink as you calls 'em grapes," but wot ignorance, not to know -one from the other! - -I find too, werry much to my discumfort and worry, that I am xpected to -bussel about jest as if I was the mere boy as the French gents calls me, -witch is of coarse so werry different to what I have for so many years -bin akustomed to in the dear, old, quiet, respecktable City, that I -sumtimes wunders whether I shall be able to stand it for long. Another -thing too as I misses terribly, is the hutter habsence of Toastes. No -loyal Toastes, nor no Army and Navy and Wolluntears, and no blushing -Churchman's helth, nor no Lord Mayor's helth, but dreckly as they've dun -their dinner away they goes to the Play or some such frivolus emusement, -insted of setting for ours and ours over their wine, and lissening -with rapshure to the long speaches, as full of wit as they is of -wisdom, which has made us what we are, the sollemest, and the most -respectablest, and the most diningoutest peeple in Urope, and the best -frends to the pore hardworking Waiters of any other nation. - -What a glorious free-drinking race we must have bin in days gone by! How -one's respect rises up when one hears of a digneterry of the Church who -lived to the green old age of 80, becoz he always drunk a bottle of old -port every day of his life from his youth upwards. How artily I wish I -coud afford to foller his brillyant xampel! and so gain the profound -admiration of my fellow men, as he did. Why, to such a man his dinner -must have bin to him the one great object of his life, as it ort to be -to every reel Gentleman. My son WILLIAM, who is a good calculator, tells -me that this trewly reverend Diwine must have drunk a hole Pipe of Port -ewery two years of his life! What a time of it his rewerend Butler must -have had! ROBERT. - - * * * * * - -SWIVELLERIANISM. - -From the Police Reports we have discovered that there is a Society -called "The Social Trumps." What a Swivellerian title! The dispute which -made these trumps Police Court Cards turned on a question of money, and -the Magistrate, Mr. LUSHINGTON (could there have been a more -significantly appropriate name for a justice having to decide a -Swivellerian case?) recommended the Social Trumps to settle their little -difficulty amicably among themselves. We hope the Trumps went and had a -jolly blow out together, enlivened with songs about "The Rosy" and -"Glorious Apollo," and sentiments to the effect that none of them "might -ever want a friend or a bottle to give him." The "Social Trumps" must be -enjoying their Christmas festivities. Their Christmas, of course, is The -King of Trumps. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: INTERIORS AND EXTERIORS. No. 56. - -MR. PUNCH'S NEW YEAR'S DAY RECEPTION.] - - * * * * * - -CHRISTMAS CRIMES. - -(_Dedicated to the unfortunate Concocters of Sensational Leading -Articles._) - -"A merry Christmas! And why not a Merry Christmas, we should like to be -informed? Is it not far better to be joyous and mirthful than to be----" -(&c. Supply vigorous epithets here). "A black-souled tyrant like CÆSAR -BORGIA could, no doubt, spend his Yule-tide in----" (&c., &c. Invent -some revolting anecdote about CÆSAR B.) "Yet even those insufficiently -clad progenitors of ours, the ancient Druids, seem to have understood as -though by instinct the solemn nature of the season which to-day ushers -in, and in what Mr. FREEMAN----" (or was it Lord TENNYSON? Never -mind--chance it!)--"calls the 'dateless dawn of history,' they first -employed the mistletoe bough for ritual, and perhaps even for osculatory, -purposes, and habitually gave themselves an extra coat of paint on the -25th of each recurrent December. And who can blame them?" (Recollect -that interrogatories, addressed to nobody in particular, add force to a -style.) "What though our modern Yule-tide ceremonies are a mere survival -of----" (Here bring in anything you know about the Roman Saturnalia, say -something pretty about holly being Scandinavian, and that "Waits" were -quite common in Athens in SOPHOCLES' time, especially on the stage. Then -go on triumphantly and truculently, as if you had proved your point down -to the ground)--"What difference does it make? It is the great holiday -of the Winter----" (This will be a novel idea to most of your readers.) -"For the children, who gather round the cheerful fire, and listen to the -ghost-story invented by some eloquently mendacious uncle, the season -positively sparkles and scintillates with happiness." - -"How exquisitely pleasant it is to hear the childish voices," &c., &c. -(to any amount). - -"Even for the elders, too, there is a mirth and joy about the Sacred -Season, as they calmly retire to their beds just when the row -down-stairs is becoming unbearable, and locking their doors, look -carefully round the room to see that the jug is filled in readiness for -the midnight serenaders of this blissful time. - -"When DICKENS drew his immortal picture of----" (&c., &c. Here gush at -length about _Gabriel Grubb_, _Tiny Tim_, and anybody suitable, from -_The Christmas Chimes or Carols_), "or when WASHINGTON IRVING depicted -the more than feudal merry-makings at"--(&c., &c. Try to cook up as much -about _Bracebridge Hall_ as you think the public will stand. Perhaps a -few practical words at the end would be advisable, as follows):-- - -"And after our traditional Yule-tide offerings are over; after the -preposterous claims of the postman and the lamp-lighter have been -liquidated by liquor or satisfied by sixpences; then can we forget that -besides this private bounty we also have a duty to our country? Lives -there the man with soul so dead, Whose heart within him has not bled, -And who, quite promptly has not fled, at mention of that grandest of -Nineteenth Century inspirations, the Jubilee Imperial Institute? The -Imperial Institute is----" (Here mention what it is. If you don't quite -know, you can count upon none of your readers being any the wiser. Then -add appeals for cash, a few more Yule-tide common-places, and a general -and genial wind-up.) - - * * * * * - -When a judgment is re-versed, ought not the original to have been in -rhyme? - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: hand] NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, -whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, -will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and -Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no -exception. - - - - -[Illustration: INDEX] - - - ABSURD to a Degree, 13 - - Actor's Progress (The), 203 - - Adam Slaughterman, 88 - - Addio, Adelina! 286 - - Advice Gratis, 246 - - Albert Hall Concert, 244 - - All in Play, 49, 88, 100, &c. - - All the Difference, 82, 222 - - "All the Talents," 300 - - Almost too Good to be True, 251 - - Alteram Partem, 278 - - Amen! 253 - - American China, 146 - - American Chorus, 249 - - Another "Butler;" or, A Thorne in his side, 301 - - Another Chance for Joe and Jesse, 215 - - Arms and the (Police) Man, 17 - - 'Arry at the Sea-side, 111 - - 'Arry on Angling, 45 - - 'Arry on his Critics, 280 - - 'Arry on Law and Order, 249 - - 'Arry on Ochre, 169 - - Artist's Holiday (The), 94 - - At Hawarden, 226 - - At Home with Atoms, 114 - - At the Lyceum, 26 - - At the Naval Review, 30 - - At the Oval, 61 - - Autumn Lay (An), 189 - - - BABES in the Christmas Wood (The), 267 - - Backing Baco, 126 - - Bacon Again, 288 - - Bacon v. Shakspeare, 286 - - Bad News for Tea-Drinkers, 192 - - Ballade of the House (A), 82 - - Ballade of the Timid Bard, 185 - - Ballet (The), 97 - - Bard at Henley (The), 5 - - Barr Drink (A), 137 - - Bartlett's Baby, 214 - - Battle of the Way (The), 157 - - "Bearing of it lies in the Application" (The), 219 - - Bicyclists of England (The), 145 - - Big Work and Little Hands, 184 - - Bishop and Port, 254 - - Black Affair at Hayti (A), 217 - - Blessings in Disguise, 29 - - Bob Sawyer Redivivus, 179 - - Bogey in Bond Street, 190 - - "Bon Voyage!" 93 - - Bounties to Foreigners, 205 - - Boy and the Bear (The), 142 - - Brigand's Doom (The), 129 - - Burly Gentleman (A), 232 - - Burning Question (A), 96 - - By a Canterbury Belle, 69 - - By George! 231 - - - CASE-o'-my-Banker, 118 - - Chairs to Mend, 190 - - Change, 75 - - Change of Name, 106 - - Channel Talk, 81, 191 - - "Charles our Friend," 222 - - Chess-shire Cheese (A), 58 - - Chimes (The), 294 - - Christmas Crimes, 310 - - "Christmas is Coming!" 243 - - Circular Note (A), 293 - - Circus Performances, 117 - - Clear as Crystal; or, All about it, 29 - - Cloud of Yachts (A), 193 - - "Cold id by Doze," 196 - - Complaint of the Cockney Clerk (The), 167 - - Confessor's Costume (A), 244 - - Conscientious Apparition (The), 298 - - Conventional Politeness, 210 - - Cornet and Piano, 301 - - Correct Card (The), 62 - - Country Cousin's Vade Mecum (The), 46 - - Court Circular (The), 40 - - Crossing the Bar, 165 - - Cry from the Counting-house (A), 285 - - - DARK Look-out (A), 17 - - Day Out (A), 26 - - Dear Departed (The), 298 - - Derby and Gladstone, 203 - - Despatch with Economy, 38 - - Difficult Navigation, 54 - - Disputed Will (A), 273 - - Doll-ce Domum, 309 - - Down-y Philosopher (A), 261 - - Dramatic Oratorio (A), 269 - - Drury Lane with Pleasure, 113 - - Duke's Motto (The), 123 - - Dustman and the Barge-Owner (The), 239 - - - 'EAT of Discussion (The), 145 - - Echoes from St. James's Palace, 178 - - Elegant Extracts by Eminent Men, 61 - - End of the Jubilee (The), 62 - - End of the Summer (An), 133 - - Epitaph (An), 40 - - Essence of Parliament, 11, 23, 35, &c. - - Euthanasia, 203 - - Eviction, 74 - - Extra Special, 246 - - - FATHER of the Man (The), 123 - - Ferdinand and Ariel, 76 - - "Finis Coronat Opus," 76 - - Fire and Water, 78 - - First in the Field, 112 - - Fishers (The), 219 - - Fistic Crack, Smith (The), 286 - - Fling at Fair Traders, 277 - - Floreat Maschera! 3 - - Fly and the Farmers (The), 106 - - For an Irish Trip, 118 - - Foreign Language Competition, 70 - - Forest Talk, 166 - - Foul is Fair, 40 - - Founded on Fact, 291 - - Four Noble Burglars (The), 216 - - From a Country Cousin, 303 - - From Mr. Henry Irving's Note-Book, 201 - - Furnishing Fictionists, 292 - - Future Position of the Army (The), 276 - - - GARDEN, Lane, and Market, 5 - - Garden Talk, 153 - - Gentle Johnny Bull, 208 - - Gentle Shepherd! 173 - - "Gesta Grayorum," 16 - - Gladstone Bait (The), 230 - - "Glass Falling!" 66 - - Gog and Magog at the Ball, 9 - - Gold and Steel, 158 - - "Good Gun" (A), 90 - - Grandolph's Teachings, 21 - - Grasp your Thistle, 161 - - Great News for the Impecunious, 141 - - Great Thirst Land (The), 40 - - - HAVOC! 61 - - Hazard of A-dye (The), 66 - - Heavy Lightning, 145 - - Henry Mayhew, 53 - - Hibernia to the Queen, 9 - - Hints for the Unemployed, 202 - - Hint to the Howlers (A), 113 - - His First Appearance at the Café des Ambassadeurs, 218 - - Holiday Hints, 105 - - "Homes in the Hills," 102 - - "Home, Sweet Home!" 12 - - House and Home, 129 - - How Then? 166 - - How to Escape the Fog, 258 - - Humility, 221 - - Hydropathic Art, 278 - - Hygienic, 153 - - - IMPERIAL Institutors, 204 - - Important Summing-Up (An), 255 - - In Convocation, 24 - - Infant Phenomenon (The), 306 - - Ingratitude of Grandolph (The), 227 - - Insurer's Phrase-Book (The), 77 - - In their Crackers, 297 - - In the Nick of Time, 292 - - Invitation (An), 87 - - Irish Net Profit, 108 - - "Irish Prosecutions," 183 - - - JACK'S Response, 38 - - Jaw-holding, 220 - - Jenny Lind, 219 - - Jest in Earnest, 63 - - Jills in Office, 4 - - Joe's Jaunt, 189 - - Jupiter Tonans! 102 - - - KEPT In, 250 - - Knight Thoughts, 197 - - - LADIES' Law, 65 - - Lady Godiva and her Portraits, 14 - - Laissez-Faire, 110 - - Land Measure, 73 - - Lane and Garden, 33 - - Larks and the Roses (The), 261 - - Larks for Legislators, 34 - - Last of the Go-he-cans (The), 221 - - Last (Signal) Man (The), 162 - - Last Visit (but One) to the Academy (The), 9 - - Latest Addition to Fairy Land, 250 - - Latest and Best from Berlin (The), 270 - - Latest from Lord's (The), 2 - - Latest Street Improvement, 15 - - Lawful (?) Latitude, 84 - - Lay of Lawrence Moor! 292 - - Learned Protest (A), 297 - - Learning the Language, 117 - - Legion of Dishonour (The), 182 - - Lesson for the Day (The), 242 - - Lesson of the Royal Review (The), 28 - - Letter-Bag of Toby, M.P., 173, 184, 196, &c. - - Lichfield House of Call (A), 180 - - Light from the Wind, 133 - - Lighting the Dublin Beacon, 258 - - Line for Browning (A), 237 - - Literary Find (A), 252 - - Loaded with Presents, 174 - - "Long expected come at Last!" 5 - - Lord Mayor's Day in Dublin (A), 170 - - Lord Salisbury's Shakspeare, 273 - - Lords and Ladies, 21 - - Lost Record (The), 130 - - - MAGAZINES in Bulk, 205 - - Making it Easy, 42 - - Manners and Customs of the City of London, 228 - - Marble Arch (The), 73 - - "Margarine," 34 - - May in November, 242 - - Measure for Measure, 96 - - Medical New Year's Day (The), 166 - - Messenger of Peace (The), 186 - - "Mi Lor Maire," 240 - - Mixed Pickles; or, A Very Late Party, 14 - - More Advice Gratis, 130 - - More Jills in Office, 17 - - More Realism, 221 - - More Reminiscences, 232 - - Morning's Reflections (The), 157 - - Mr. Gladstone on the Fifth of November, 208 - - Mr. Punch's Manual for Young Reciters, 25, 37, 64, &c. - - Muse in Manacles (The), 192 - - "My Lawyer," 26 - - Mysterious Paper (A), 225 - - - NAPPY Holiday (A), 228 - - Necessary Explanation (A), 278 - - Negative Results, 238 - - Ne Plus Ulster, 191 - - New, and Bad, "Hatch" (The), 6 - - New North-West Passage (The), 174 - - New Quixote (The), 194 - - New Sixpence (The), 274 - - Newton and the Apple, 18 - - New Version, 231 - - New Wersion of an Old Song (A), 72 - - New Year Mems, 305 - - New Year's Card (A), 302 - - Not a "Deus ex Machinâ," 150 - - (Not at all) Bad Homburg, 155 - - (Not so) Bad Homburg, 143 - - Nottingham v. Sunderland, 201 - - Novel Reader's Vade Mecum (The), 105 - - Nu Dikshonary (The), 165 - - Nuggets in North Wales, 304 - - - O'BRIEN'S Breeches, 274 - - Obviously, 237 - - Octopus of Romance and Reality (The), 171 - - Official Object Lessons, 22 - - Of the Maske-aline Gender, 28 - - Old Doggerel Adapted, 22 - - Oldest Sketching Club in the World (The), 270 - - "On his Own Hook!" 114 - - On the Stump, in Two Senses, 141 - - On the Wing, 138 - - On the Wrong Scent, 270 - - Open Question, 264 - - Operatic Confusion, 1 - - Our Advertisers, 149, 197, 209 - - Our Booking-Office, 165, 180, 192, &c. - - Our Christmas Booking-Office, 281 - - Our Debating Club, 245, 268 - - Our Exchange and Mart, 49, 69 - - Our Ignoble Selves, 121 - - Our Theatrical Picture-Posters, 275 - - - PALACE of (Advertising) Art (The), 263 - - Papers from Pumphandle Court, 241 - - Parliamentary Ballyhooly (The), 62 - - Parliamentary Notices, 61 - - Paving the Way for him, 22 - - "Paying their Shot," 147 - - Peccant Member (The), 114 - - Philosopher's Stone (The), 252 - - Philosophy at the Popping-Crease, 25 - - Piccadilly Players, 293 - - Plea for the Birds (A), 125 - - Pleasant Traveller's Conversation-Book (The), 73 - - Plentiful Lac (The), 226 - - Pluck of Gggrrandddolllmann's Camp (The), 285 - - Point of Law (A), 161 - - Poor Old England! 162 - - Powers that be (The), 245 - - Pretty Centenarian (A), 122 - - Pretty Kettle of Fish (A), 154 - - Price of Support (The), 85 - - Private Banker's Pæan (The), 77 - - Privileged Pistols, 73 - - Pro Bono Publico, 197 - - Professor at the Dinner-Table (The), 287 - - Progressive Programme (A), 193 - - Promenading, 246 - - Protest (A), 186 - - - QUEEN at Hatfield (The), 26 - - Quite a Little Holiday, 179, 193 - - Quite Chrismassy, 281 - - Quite English, 134 - - "Quite English, you know," 282 - - - RALEIGH too Bad, 6 - - Rapture, 93 - - Rasher Theory of Bacon (A), 278 - - Rather Mixed, 232 - - Real Grievance Office (The), 170 - - Real "Inky Flood" (A), 110 - - Real Sporting Event (A), 118 - - Reasons Why, 246 - - Recent Prize-Fight (The), 303 - - Regular Cell (A), 137 - - "Re-Joyce!" 278 - - Reminiscence of the Naval Review (A), 52 - - Richard Jeffries, 93 - - Rise in Balloons (A), 89 - - Robert at Lillie Bridge, 159 - - Robert at Kilburn, 255 - - Robert at Marlow, 125 - - Robert at the Academy, 13 - - Robert at the American Exhibition, 10 - - Robert at the Guildhall Ball, 33 - - Robert at the Ministerial Bankwet, 81 - - Royalty at the Palace, 4 - - Robert at Spithead, 57 - - Robert on Lord Mayor's Day, 237 - - Robert on Luxury, 206 - - Robert on Spelling, 183 - - Robert on the French Tung, 309 - - "Room and Verge," 75 - - Roses in December, 289 - - Row in the Gallery (A), 221 - - - SAILOR'S Slip (The), 57 - - Salubrities Abroad, 65, 76, 86, &c. - - Sardou and Sara, 258 - - Scarcely Worth While, 25 - - Scarletina at Truro, 225 - - Schoolmaster of the Future (The), 234 - - Sea-Dreams, 70 - - Seeing his Way, 39 - - Shakspeare Up Again, 289 - - Shakspearian Question (The), 274 - - Shows Views, 185, 208, 220, &c. - - Shrimp Cure (The), 240 - - Sidonian Shakspeare, 46 - - Sigh of the Season (The), 106 - - Social Romance, 304 - - Society Sibyls, 279 - - Some More Official Jills, 50 - - Some Notes at Starmouth, 97, 120, 132, &c. - - Something to Swallow, 303 - - Song by Sir Abel Handy, 24 - - Songs at Stamboul, 21 - - Soothing Song for August (A), 69 - - So Seasonable, you know, 245 - - Sound Opinion (A), 285 - - "Special" Reasons, 243 - - Stable Companion (A), 167 - - Straight Tip (The), 277 - - Strange Adventures of Ascena Lukin-glass, 109 - - Strictly Private, 232 - - Studies from Mr. Punch's Studio, 41, 204 - - Summer Boating Song, 58 - - Summer Soliloquy (A), 108 - - Suspiria, 229 - - Swivellerianism, 309 - - - TALE of Terror (A), 110 - - Testimonial (A), 18 - - Theatrical Noes to Queries, 168 - - Theatrical Reciprocity, 277 - - Theory and Practice, 233 - - To a Lady Dentist, 195 - - To his Mistress, 249 - - Tom Brown & Co.'s Schooldays, 256 - - Too Clever by Half, 293 - - Too Much of a Good Thing, 3 - - "To Tea-pot Bay and Back," 121 - - To the Incomplete (Political) Angler, 209 - - To the Modern Men of Gotham, 281 - - To the Unemployed, 245 - - Town Mouse's Trials (The), 231 - - Toying with Truth, 286 - - Traveller's Vade Mecum (The), 64 - - Turning to the Left, 169 - - 'Twill Illume, 243 - - Two Goats (The), 180 - - Two Canons and Bean-Baggers (The), 258 - - Two French Presidents rolled into One, 254 - - Two Voices (The), 198 - - Tympanum (The), 156 - - - UNCOMMON, 306 - - Unemployed, 298 - - - VENICE Unpreserved, 98 - - Verb Sap., 33 - - Very Annoying, 26 - - Very like a Wales, 62 - - Very Pretty Tale by Anderson (A), 124 - - Vicarious Whipping, 159 - - Visit to "The Licensed Vistlers", 291 - - Virtues of Omission 99 - - Voces Populi, 201, 214, 226, &c. - - - WAIL of Messrs. Burt and Fenwick, 145 - - Wail of the Male (The), 126 - - Wail of the Wire (The), 242 - - Waiting his Orders, 300 - - Wanted, a Theseus, 150 - - Way of the Wind (The), 99 - - Well Protected, 280 - - Welsh for the Welsh, 73 - - What was it? 138 - - Whistling Relief (The), 106 - - Whitman in London, 101 - - Why he Went, 82 - - Woes of the Water Consumer (The), 250 - - Words in Season, 123 - - Worth Cultivating, 290 - - Worth Mentioning, 14 - - Would-be "Literary Gent" (A), 274 - - - LARGE ENGRAVINGS. - - All the Difference, 223 - - Chimes (The), 295 - - Convention-al Politeness, 211 - - Difficult Navigation, 55 - - "Final Tableau" (The), 127 - - "Fire Fiend" (The), 79 - - "Glass Falling!" 67 - - "Good Gun" (A), 91 - - Grand Old Janus (The), 247 - - Infant Phenomenon (The), 307 - - Jupiter Tonans! 103 - - Justice at Fault, 163 - - Lighting the Dublin Beacon, 259 - - Making it Easy, 43 - - Messenger of Peace (The), 187 - - New "Hatch" (The), 7 - - New North-West Passage (The), 175 - - Newton and the Apple, 19 - - "On his own Hook!" 115 - - On the Wrong Scent, 271 - - "Overlooked!" 139 - - "Quite English, you know," 283 - - Schoolmaster of the Future (The), 235 - - Spithead, July 23, 1887, 31 - - Two Voices (The), 199 - - Wanted, a Theseus, 151 - - - SMALL ENGRAVINGS. - - - Academy Pictures, 9, 13 - - Alderman's Reason for drinking Champagne, 226 - - Amateur Vocalist at a Penny Reading (An), 306 - - 'Arry, 'Arriet, and the Indians, 18 - - Artist and his Rich Patron (An), 94 - - Artists and School-Board Notice, 46 - - Aunty and the Policeman, 231 - - Babes in the Christmas Wood (The), 266 - - Baby Bottesini (The), 38 - - Baby Gorilla (The), 214 - - Birds on the Telegraph Wires, 155 - - Boatman's Opinion on a Dress-Improver, 126 - - Bogeyish Pictures, 190 - - Boulanger-Ferry Duel (The), 63 - - Brown's Boarhound and the Rabbit, 270 - - Brown's Experience of Squalls, 118 - - Bulgar Boy and the Bear, 142 - - Buying Grouse, 135 - - Cannibal Uncle (A), 70 - - Chamberlain and the Gladstone Bait, 230 - - Children's Day in the Country (A), 30 - - Chimney-Sweep not in Black, 130 - - Chinaman on Tricycle (A), 50 - - Chorister Boys with the Mumps, 217 - - Churchill at the Battle of the Estimates, 39 - - Clergyman and the Widow (The), 263 - - Colour of the Gorse (The), 111 - - Comte de Paris and his Manifesto, 134 - - Costumes for the Recess, 143 - - Country Ladies and Street Boys, 291 - - Cricket at Lord's, 12, 28 - - Dachshund's Sore Throat (A), 278 - - Darwinian Ancestor (A), 265 - - Débutante's Series of Suppers (A), 222 - - Disadvantage of being an Aristocrat, 110 - - Division Lobbies (The), 11 - - Don Chamberlain Quixote, 194 - - Duke evicting the Volunteers (The), 74 - - Dumb Crambo's School-Book Review, 37 - - East Countrymen on Disestablishment, 219 - - English and American Yachts, 157 - - Fag-end of the Session (The), 83 - - Family Starting for the Seaside, 90 - - Finding the Law Courts, 129 - - First Meet of the Season (The), 227 - - F.-M. Punch's Parliamentary Review, 23 - - Footman's Opinion of the Unemployed, 243 - - German Belle's English (A), 62 - - Gladstone and Jenny Jones, 290 - - Gladstone's Sale of Chips, 202 - - Gondolier and the Steam-launch, 98 - - Good-woodcuts, 48 - - Grandpapa, Johnny, and the Irish Stew, 298 - - Grand Parliamentary Cricket-Match, 71 - - Grouse Prospects, 60 - - Guest's Departure and the little Trees, 210 - - Hampstead Ponds (The), 198 - - Hansom Cab in a Hampstead Pond, 246 - - Honeymoon Riddle (A), 75 - - Host treading on Lady's Skirt, 213 - - House "Up" at Last (The), 131 - - How We Advertise Now, 262 - - Hungry Professor at a Pic-nic, 186 - - Improvised Butler and Distinguished Guest at Dinner-Table, 309 - - In Lowther Arcadia at Christmas Times, 299 - - Innings of the Two Bills, 2 - - "Instantaneous Photography" in Ireland, 238 - - Irish Waiter and Bow-legged Traveller, 195 - - Jack and Effie on the Sea-shore, 78 - - Japanese and the Lady's Feet (A), 267 - - John Bull and Miss Columbia, 122 - - John Bull and the Jubilee Gifts, 178 - - King of the Belgians and Ostend Fishery, 154 - - Ladies wilfully mistaking Identity, 42 - - Lady's Long-lasting Voice (A), 82 - - Laurie growing too rapidly, 159 - - "London Quite Empty!" 167 - - Long Sight or Short Arms? 203 - - Lordly Cecil and his Queen (The), 87 - - Lord Lytton translated into French, 218 - - Madame France's Next Fashion, 27 - - Making Good Use of the Square, 6 - - Mamma and her Selfish Daughters, 102 - - Matthews and the Police, 207 - - McScrew's Glasgow Friends, 179 - - Minister's Retort on Free Kirk Elder, 251 - - Missionary who couldn't convert the Sultan, 45 - - Miss Tomkyn's return from the Concert, 66 - - Modern Autolycus (The), 182 - - Money-making Schoolboy (The), 256 - - Mother-in-law's Return (A), 286 - - Mr. Punch's Parliamentary Naval Review, 35 - - Nelson as a Special Constable, 243 - - New French President (The), 279 - - Newly-titled Lord and an Old Chum, 225 - - New Shylock (The), 285 - - Nizan of Hyderabad and Britannia, 158 - - Northern Belle and Provincial Masher, 22 - - Not in Love--this Season, 274 - - Octopus of Romance and Reality, 171 - - Old Butler and Her Ladyship's Music, 234 - - Old Gent and Small Boy on Beach, 137 - - Old Lady and Cabman, 183 - - Old Lady forgets where she Dined, 26 - - Parliamentary Alpine Club, 59 - - Parliamentary Cattle-Show (The), 275 - - Parliamentary Harvest (The), 107 - - Pic-Nic Parties disturbed by Rain, 150 - - Pigheaded Attack on the Immortal Bard, 273 - - Pricing an Artist's Masterpiece, 3 - - Probable Pictures for Christmas, 250 - - Professional Cricketers, 53 - - Professor's Opinion on Long Words (The), 255 - - Public School Boy and his Grandfather, 123 - - Punch and the Police Recruit, 191 - - Punch as Apollo, 1 - - Punch at Portsmouth, 54 - - Railway Station Puzzle, 93 - - Record of the Session--Dead Heat, 133 - - Regretting not having eaten more Oysters, 294 - - Returning Home from Seaside, 162 - - Robert and Stingy Old Gent, 81 - - Rough Day at the Sea-side, 138 - - Sacred Music in French, 189 - - Salisbury awaking the Crocodile, 160 - - Science appealing to John Bull, 51 - - Scotch Wife and the Minister's Tricycle, 166 - - Seeing the Blondin Donkey, 99 - - Set Fair at Whitby, 114 - - Several Boxing Encounters, 287 - - Sharp Boy and Papa's Sixpence, 209 - - Sir W. V. Harcourt as Falstaff, 254 - - Sketching a Lady Sketcher, 174 - - Snap-shots for the Twelfth, 69 - - Society's Pugilistic Pet, 282 - - Speaker using the Birch (The), 47 - - Special Constable and Lady Cook, 258 - - Speechifying on Railway Platforms, 215 - - Street Puzzle--in the Strand, 117 - - Sultan's Appeal to Mr. Punch, 153 - - Teacher of Shorthand (A), 170 - - Times, Salisbury, and National League, 40 - - Toby's New Year's Greeting, 302 - - Tradesmen clearing Regent Street, 15 - - Triangular Duel of Operatic Managers, 21 - - Turning on Whiskey and Water, 106 - - Unemployed Man's Shovel (An), 206 - - University Coach and Volatile Pupil, 34 - - Unwelcome Lady Visitor (An), 86 - - Utilising a Theatrical Poster, 216 - - Watching a Couple on the Balcony, 58 - - Wearing a Real Engagement Ring, 239 - - Whim-buildin', 17, 29 - - Willow-Pattern Plate (The), 146 - - Wolff and the Sultan, 29 - - Wonderful Sporting Dog (A), 147 - - Woolly Landscape, but not Woolly Sheep (A), 303 - -[Illustration] - -LONDON: BRADBURY AGNEW & CO., PRINTERS WHITEFRIARS. - -[Illustration: PUNCH VOL 93 - -LONDON: - -PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, - -AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS. - -1887.] - - LONDON: - BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO., PRINTERS, WHITEFRIARS. - -[Illustration] - -SCENE--_A snug and sequestered if cloudy corner of the Elysian Fields. -Present, the Shades of_ SHAKSPEARE _and_ BACON, _engaged in reading_ Mr. -DONELLY'S _egregious lucubrations, not without such mild and mitigated -mirth as becomes the locality. To them enters a small and sprightly -Personage, light-footed, but of seeming cis-Stygian solidity._ - - _Bacon_ } (_together_). Hillo! - _Shakspeare_ } - -_Mr. Punch._ _That_ sounds human. Savours rather of my own Fleet Street -than of the realms of the _other_ Rhadamanthus. What cheer, sweet WILL? -How fare you, Brother FRANCIS? [_Salutes courteously._ - -_Bacon._ 'Twere affectation to ask _who_ you are, Sir. The question, -"How gat you here?" may perchance be more pertinent--and pardonable. - -_Mr. P._ (_airily_). Oh, I had been for--say, the _x_th time--to see -"Our MARY" in _The Winter's Tale_, and being more inclined for -profitable talk than for sleep, I just took you on my way home. - -_Bacon_ (_smiling_). Marry, Mr. PUNCH, were the statement of sequence -equivalent to the explanation of causation, yours would be a most -satisfactory answer. - -_Shaks._ (_mildly_). Be not too scientifically scrutinising, Brother -BACON. Mr. PUNCH, _Puck_ and _Ariel_ in one, is free of all places, lord -of all latitudes, penetrator of all spheres, permeator of all elements. - -_Mr. P._ True, sweet WILL! How much more catholic, in comprehension, as -in charity, is the creative mind than the merely critical one! - -_Bacon._ Humph! That sounds Sphinxian. HERACLITUS the Obscure was -pellucid in comparison. - -_Mr. P._ And yet, I warrant you, Master SHAKSPEARE here could play the -"Diver of Delos" where your pundit's plummet should not find bottom. -However, "broad-browed VERULAM," let not that brow's breadth cloud or -corrugate in vexation at my persiflage. What do you read, Sir? - -_Shaks._ "Words, words, words!" - -_Mr. P._ "I mean the matter that you read." - -_Shaks._ "Slanders, Sir." For the coney-catching rogue--one -DONELLY--says here----but of course you know _what_ he says. [_The trio -laugh Homerically, until the asphodels wag their white heads and -convulse their starry corollas in sheer sympathy._ - -_Bacon._ By DEMOCRITUS, laughter in these latitudes is seldom enough of -this sort and compass. - -_Mr. P._ To succeed in shaking the sides--of BACON, _here_, is somewhat -indeed, the greatest triumph, be sure, that awaits the incongruous -Cryptogrammatist. - -_Shaks._ Would that BEN JONSON were with us to join in the glorious -guffaw. - -_Mr. P._ Conceive Rare BEN being jockeyed into accepting _you_, his -contemporary and tavern-companion, as the author of such "unconsidered -trifles" as _Hamlet_ and _Lear_, _Othello_ and _Macbeth_, _The Tempest_ -and _The Midsummer Night's Dream_! Wer't ever at the "Mermaid," VERULAM? - -_Bacon._ Verily, Mr. PUNCH, I should like mightily to have joined in -that company, just for once, and to have discussed the Cryptogram with -the "Spanish great galleon" and the "English man-of-war" (as FULLER puts -it), whom DONELLY now desires to knock, as it were, into one curiously -composite craft. Did not this same maker of mare's-nests indite a -fantastic tome, full of bottomless argument and visionary particularity, -concerning that fabled island or continent of Atlantis, which the -Egyptian priest told SOLON had been swallowed up by an earthquake? - -_Mr. P._ Like enough, my Lord, like enough. Once a mare's-nester, always -a mare's-nester. Nephelo-Coccygia was _terra firma_ compared with the -elaborate but evanescent Cloud-Cuckoolands of riddle-reading -theory-mongers. - -_Shaks._ When OEDIPUS gets crotchet-ridden the sooner the Sphinx -devours him the better. - -_Mr. P._ True, O Swan! Let the Great Brethren of British Genius be -brethren still--twins, if you please, but twain. Verily it might almost -pass the might of Mother Nature to round two such splendid orbs into -one. Rare BEN had his tribute for you also, my VERULAM. "No man ever -spake more neatly, more purely, more weightily, or suffered less -emptiness, less idleness in what he uttered." Might have been said of -ME! - -_Bacon._ Praise shared with you is praise indeed! But the language of -the Realm of Phantasy--WILL'S own world--the speech of Arcady, of Arden, -of shadowy Elsinore, of _Prospero's_ enchanted Isle--WILL'S native -tongue--passeth many a league-long step beyond the "neatness" of the -judgment-seat, or the "fulness" of the _Novum Organum Scientiarum_. - -_Mr. P._ Well said, Wisdom! - -_Shaks._ (_chortling softly_). Why, who knows? One day, perchance,--æons -hence, of course,--some puzzle-headed pragmatist may propound the -preposterous question, "Who wrote _Punch?_" From out the fathomless -deeps of its many thousand wit-stored tomes the DONELLY of that dim and -distant future may readily dip up, in his poor bucket, a Cryptogram, to -show that they were produced by a scientific syndicate, including -FARADAY and MILL, HUXLEY and HERBERT SPENCER, DARWIN and the Duke of -ARGYLL. [_At the mention of the Olympian and autocratic Scottish -Sciolist, Homeric laughter bursts forth anew in yet fuller force._ - -_Bacon._ Prithee, sweet WILL, don't! Shadowy sides can ache, I find, and -then, what will Rhadamanthus think? - -_Mr. P._ As Jupiter did when the adventurous Ixion intruded into -Olympus, perhaps. Well, well, put aside that preposterous book, which, -as you, my Lord BACON, said of the Aristotelian method, is "only strong -for disputations and contentions, but barren of works for the benefit of -the life of man," and, I may add, of immortals. - -_Shaks._ (_yawning_). Not all reading, my FRANCIS, makes a full -man--save in the sense in which one may be filled with the East wind. -_My_ books were men. Not much that is novel in Nature, human or -otherwise, to study in these shadowy realms. I miss the "Mermaid," and -the mazy world which was my stage. DONELLY'S book is dull, however. -Canst furnish us with a substitute, excellent Mr. PUNCH? - -_Mr. P._ That can I, sweet WILL. To that end indeed came I hither. As a -popular stage-character--not one of your own--saith, "I hope I don't -intrude." Ah, I thought not; but you needn't try (ineffectually) to -wring my hands off, the pair of you. Behold!!!!!! - -As Mr. PUNCH reluctantly turned his back upon Elysium, he left the two -Illustrious Shades, prone side by side and cheek by jowl upon an -asphodel bank, eagerly and diligently perusing his - -Ninety-Third Volume! - -[Illustration] - -[Transcriber's Note: - -All apparent printer's errors retained. - -Italics denoted with underscores (_).] - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume -93, December 31, 1887, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, DEC 31, 1887 *** - -***** This file should be named 40599-8.txt or 40599-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/0/5/9/40599/ - -Produced by Wayne Hammond, Malcolm Farmer and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 93, December 31, 1887 - -Author: Various - -Editor: Francis Burnand - -Release Date: August 28, 2012 [EBook #40599] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, DEC 31, 1887 *** - - - - -Produced by Wayne Hammond, Malcolm Farmer and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - -</pre> - +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40599 ***</div> <p><a class="pagenum" id="page_301" title="pg 301">[pg 301]</a></p> @@ -2868,382 +2829,7 @@ cheek by jowl upon an asphodel bank, eagerly and diligently perusing his</p> </div> - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume -93, December 31, 1887, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, DEC 31, 1887 *** - -***** This file should be named 40599-h.htm or 40599-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/0/5/9/40599/ - -Produced by Wayne Hammond, Malcolm Farmer and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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