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diff --git a/40599-8.txt b/40599-8.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 71f7e71..0000000 --- a/40599-8.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,2949 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 93, -December 31, 1887, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 93, December 31, 1887 - -Author: Various - -Editor: Francis Burnand - -Release Date: August 28, 2012 [EBook #40599] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, DEC 31, 1887 *** - - - - -Produced by Wayne Hammond, Malcolm Farmer and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - - - - - PUNCH, - - OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. - - VOL. 93. - - DECEMBER 31, 1887 - - -ANOTHER "BUTLER;" OR, A THORNE IN HIS SIDE. - -[Illustration] - -Taking for granted the improbabilities of Mr. AUTHOR JONES'S plot--which -seems to use up again the materials of _Aurora Floyd_, and one or -two other novels, including the _Danvers Jewels_--and a certain -maladroitness of construction, _Heart of Hearts_ is both interesting and -amusing. All the characters are distinctly outlined excepting -one, and this one, strange to say, is _James Robins_, the hero of the -piece, a part apparently written rather to suit Mr. THOMAS THORNE'S -peculiarities, than to exhibit any marked individuality of character. - -_James Robins_, _Lady Clarissa Fitzralf's_ butler,--who is of course the -intimate friend of Mr. and Mrs. MERIVALE'S butler at Toole's Theatre -round the corner,--has secretly married his mistress's sister, and her -niece is openly to marry his mistress's son. Now, how about the -character of _James Robins?_ Is he honest? Hardly so. Is he sly? -Certainly. Is he crafty? It cannot be denied. Yet the sympathy of the -audience is with him. Why? Well, chiefly because he is played by Mr. -THORNE, and secondarily, because he is very fond of his brother's child, -whom he has brought up because his brother, having got into trouble and -been compelled to "do his time," has delivered her into his care. This -nice father returns, comes to see his child, and steals a ruby bracelet, -this ruby being the "heart of hearts." Whereupon one _Miss Latimer_, a -malicious schemer, fixes the theft on _Lucy Robins_. What more natural, -considering the name? The father, _Old Robins_, has stolen the jewel; -the daughter, _Lucy Robins_, has been accused of doing so. Quite a -robbin's family. Of course exculpation and explanation wind up the play, -though I regret to say I was compelled to leave before hearing how Mr. -AUTHUR JONES deals with that old reprobate Cock _Robins_, the parent -bird, who, in view of the future happiness of _Mary_ and _Ralph_, would -be about as presentable a father-in-law to have on the premises as that -old "unemployed" reprobate, _Eccles_, in _Caste_. I am sorry he wasn't -somehow disposed of, having of course previously confessed his guilt to -the bilious detective, _March_, and expired under the assumed name of -_Mister Masters_. By the way, AUTHUR JONES is not happy in nomenclature. - -The dialogue is good throughout, even when it only indirectly developes -character or helps the action, and so is the acting. Mr. THORNE as -_James_ is admirable; representing the character as a man gifted -with an overpowering appreciation of the humorous side of every -situation,--including his own as a butler,--in which either accident or -design may place him. I do not believe that this was the author's -intention, but this is the impression made upon me by Mr. THORNE'S -acting, and I am sure it could not be better played. Miss KATE RORKE is -charmingly natural; Mr. LEONARD BOYNE is unequal, being better in the -last Act than the first. My sensitive ear having been struck by the -mellifluous accents of _Lucy_ and the Corkasian,--I think, though, it -may be Galwaisian,--tones of her lover, I could not help wondering why -the author, after the first few rehearsals, did not slightly alter the -dialect and lay the scene in Ireland. The play is well worth seeing, and -begins at the easy hour of 8·45. There should be _matinées_ of a new -operetta, entitled _The Two Butlers_, characters by J. L. TORNE and -THOMAS THOOLE. - - * * * * * - -CORNET AND PIANO. - -AT A JUVENILE PARTY. - -_Cornet._ Ready? Yes, _I'm_ ready--but I'm not going to begin before I'm -asked. If they want us to strike up, let 'em come and ask us, d'ye see? - -_Piano._ Well, but there are all the children sitting about doing -nothing---- - -_C._ _Let_ 'em sit! They'll see you and me sittin' all the evenin', -strummin' and blowin' like nigger slaves, and a lot they'll care! Don't -you make no mistake, young Pianner, there ain't no sense in doin' more -than you're obliged--you'll get no credit for it, d'ye see? And don't -keep that programme all to yourself. Ah, one Swedish, one Sir Roger, and -a bloomin' Cotilliong--_they_'ll take two hours alone! We shan't work -this job off much before one, you see if we do. (_To Hostess._) Commence -now? By all means, Madam. Send us a little refreshment? Thank you, -Madam, we shall be exceedingly obliged to you. (_The refreshment -arrives._) Here's stuff to put liveliness in us, Mate--_Leminade!_ - -[_Puts jug under piano with intense disgust._ - -_P._ Well, I should think you'd lemon enough in you already. - -_C._ I _'ate_ kids, there--and that's the truth of it! It makes me -downright sick to see 'em dressed out, and giving themselves the airs -and graces of grown-ups. (_To Small Child._) Yes, my little dear, it's a -worltz this time. (_To Pianist._) Strike up, young P. and O! (_A little -later._) I'm blest if I don't believe you're _enjoying_ this, Pianner, -settin' there with that sort of a dreamy grin on your pasty countinance! - -_P._ And if I am, where's the harm of it? - -_C._ It's easy to see you ain't bin at it long, or you wouldn't take -that interest in it. Much they thank you for takin' a interest, these -bloated children of a pampered aristocracy! Why, they don't mind you and -me more than the drugget under their feet. Even gutter kids have got -manners enough to thank the Italian as plays the orgin for 'em to dance -to. Are _we_ ever thanked? I arsk you. - -_P._ The Italian plays for nothing. We don't. - -_C._ There you go, redoocin' everything to coppers. You're arguin' -beside the question, you are. Ever see a well-dressed kid give a orgin a -penny without there was a monkey a-top of it? _I_ never did. If you -chained a monkey to your pianner now, they might condescend to look at -yer now and then--not unless. - -_P._ Well, you can't deny they're a nice-looking set of children here. -Look at that one with the long hair, in the plush--like a little -Princess, she is. - -_C._ And p'raps she ain't aware of it, either! Why, there's that little -sister o' yours, that's got hair just as long, ah, and 'ud look as -pretty too, if she'd a little more colour; but you can't have colour -without capital. It's 'igh-feeding does it all, and money wrung from the -working-classes, like you and me. - -_P._ I don't know what _you_ call yourself. I'm a professional, and see -no shame in it. - -_C._ You can be as purfessional as you please, but you needn't be -poor-spirited. Come on; pound away! Ain't you got a uglier worltz than -that? - -AT SUPPER. - -_C._ I must say I ardly expected this--after the leminade. But you're -eatin' nothin', young Pianner. (_To Servant._) Thank 'ee, my pretty -dear, you may leave that raised pie where it is; and do you think you -could get us another bottle o' Sham, now--for my young friend here? (_To -Pianist._ You needn't think you've made a conquest with that moony mug -of yours. She's only lookin' after you to make _me_ jealous, d'ye see? I -know these minxes' ways, bless you.) - -_P. (with lofty bitterness)._ I've no wish to dispute it with you. - -_C._ Ah, you've had _your_ eye on the governess all the evening. I saw -you! - -_P. (blushing)._ You're talking folly, Cornet, and what's more, you know -it. - -_C._ That's her playin' upstairs now. I know a governess's polker--all -tum-tum and no jump to it. Wouldn't you like to go up and help her, eh? - -_P._ If I _am_ a wretch doomed to misery, it's not for you to remind me -of it, Cornet. It's not a friendly act, I'm blowed if it is! - -_C._ You're a regular Tant--Tarantulus, you know, that's what you are! -You'll be goin' mad on your music-stool--"I saw her dancin' in the -'All"--that sort o' thing, hey? - -_P. (with dignity.)_ It seems to me you've had quite enough of that -Champagne, and we've been down half-an-hour. - -_C._ You don't 'pear to unnerstand that a Cornet's very mush thirstier -instrumen' than a iron-grand out o' tune--but you're a good young -feller--I li' a shentimental young chap. I'm a soft-arted ole fool -myshelf! - -AFTER SUPPER. - -_C. (with emotion.)_ Loo' at that now, ain't that a sight to make a man -o' you? All these brit appy young faces. I could play for 'em all -ni'--blesh their 'arts! Lor, what a rickety chair I'm on, and thish -bloomin' brash inshtrumen's gone and changed ends. Now then, quicken up, -let 'em 'ave it--you are a shulky young chap! - -_P._ It is not sulks but misery. I swear to you, Cornet, that each -hammer I strike vibrates on my own heart-strings! - -_C._ Then you can be innerpennant of a pianner. - -_P._ I am young--but the young have their sorrows, I suppose. Is it -nothing to have to minister to others' gaiety with a bitter pang in -one's own breast? - -_C._ Thash wha' comes o'shtickin' to the leminade! - -A LITTLE LATER. - -_P. (aghast)._ I say, what _are_ you about? You mustn't, you know! - -_C. (smiling dreamily)._ It'sh all ri', dear boy! If a man fines he -can't breathe in 'sh bootsh--on'y loshical coursh 'fore him is to play -in socksh--d'ye see? - -AT PARTING. - -_The Cornet (to hostess, with benignant tenderness.)_ Goori', Madam, -Gobblesh you, I do' min' tellin' you, you've made me and the pianner -here, and ah, 'undreds of young innoshent arts very 'appy, Madam, you -may ta' that from _me_. I hope we've given complete satisfaction, 'm -sure we've had mosht pleasant shupper--I mean pleashant evenin'--_sho_ -glad we came. And you mushn't ta' no notish my young fren, he'sh been -makin' lil too free with the leminade, d'ye see? _Goo_ ri! [_Exit -gracefully, and is picked up at bottom of Staircase by the Pianist._ - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: TOBY'S GREETING.] - - * * * * * - -A NEW YEAR'S CARD. - - _Library, House of Commons, - New Year's Eve._ - - HONOURED SIR, - -I find in the Letter Bag a communication from that eminent statesman -GRANDOLPH. But I think it will keep for a week, and on this New Year's -Eve I will put in the Bag a letter of my own, addressed to him who, take -him for all in all, (as BACON wrote) is the most Eminent Man of the -century. No one, a cynic has said, is a hero to his own valet--meaning, -I suppose, that the closer a man is looked into the less profound his -valley appears. It has been my lot to sit at your feet for close upon -half-a-century, perched upon the pile of volumes which, oddly enough, -never grows an eighth-of-an-inch higher through the revolving years. You -have honoured me with your closest confidence. I have known your inmost -thoughts. I have often seen you, as you are weekly presented to an -admiring public, chuckling with finger to nose and brightened eye over -the inception of a joke, and I have observed you afterwards a little -depressed on reading it in the proof, struck with the conviction that it -was not quite so good as you thought. I am not your valet. But you are -truly my Hero. - -It may be said that I am prejudiced by receipt of personal favours. You -took me literally out of the streets to be your daily companion, and, at -friendly though still humble distance, to consort with the Beauty and -Brilliance that throngs your court. But for you I might years ago have -followed the historic precedent, gone mad to serve my private ends, bit -some unwholesome person and died. But you took me by the paw, lifted me -into your company, placed me on the pedestal of your ever-increasing but -never-swelling bulk of volumes, whence it was an easy matter to step on -to the lower level of the floor of the House of Commons. The prestige of -your name was sufficient to secure for me the suffrages of one of the -most important and one of the most enlightened county constituencies of -this still undivided Empire. - -As I sit here alone in this dimly-lighted chamber there glide along with -silent footfall an interminable procession of familiar faces and figures -that have passed through this room since I first took the oath and my -seat for Barkshire. DIZZY walks past, looking neither to the right nor -to the left, but conveying to the mind of the onlooker a curious -impression that he sees all round; and here comes kindly STAFFORD -NORTHCOTE and burly BERESFORD-HOPE, and TOM COLLINS, with the faded -umbrella he used to bring down through all the summer nights and -solemnly commit to the personal charge of the doorkeeper. And there goes -dear ISAAC BUTT, wringing his hands because of Major O'GORMAN'S revolt, -and W. P. ADAM, disappointed after his long fight which ended with -victory for his Party and something like a snub for himself. Here is -NEWDEGATE frowning at the scarlet drapery of a reading lamp; and behind -him, WHALLEY, wondering whether he was really in earnest when he -denounced him before the House of Commons as "a Jesuit in disguise." -Here, too, poor Lord HENRY LENNOX with his trousers turned up, and Sir -THOMAS MAY with a Peerage looming within hand's reach, and Captain -GOSSET steering his shapely legs towards his room to drink Apollinaris -and read up Hansard. All, all are gone, the old familiar faces, and the -New Year, which the bell-ringers are waiting to welcome in, is nothing -to them. Over there in the corner are the two chairs on which the form -of JOSEPH GILLIS reclined on the first all-night sitting that ever was, -when, the thing being fresh to Members, they were eager to stop up all -night, to walk round the recumbent form, dropping pokers and heavy -volumes with innocent attempt to disturb the slumberer. But JOSEPH -GILLIS slept, or seemed to sleep. He was giving the Saxon trouble, and -was not greatly inconvenienced himself. - -I have taken down from the shelves two volumes among the most recent and -most prized addition to our Library, and, turning over the leaves, come -upon fresh testimony to my Honoured Sir's prescience. Turning over _John -Leech's Pictures of Life and Character_, garnered from the Collection of -_Mr. Punch_, I find under date twenty-five years back, women of all -degrees presented under cover of monstrous hoops. Everybody wore -crinoline in those days. It was the thing, the only possible thing, and -the average human mind could not grasp the idea of there being any other -way of arraying the female form. But the prophetic eye of one of the -most brilliant of _Mr. Punch's_ Young Men peered into the future and -beheld what was to come.[1] In the very midst of delineations of these -everyday monstrosities, fearful in the drawing-room, grotesquely -exaggerated in the kitchen, JOHN LEECH flashed forth a view of the -future. There are three sketches of girls, two in the eelskin dress that -marked the rebound from the hideous tyranny of crinoline, and the third -showing a style of dress that might have been sketched to-day in Bond -Street, not forgetting the upper rearward segment of the crinoline which -survives at this day to hint what has been. _Ex pede Herculem._ It -seemed at the date a monstrous idea, a nightmare fancy, peradventure a -joke. But _Mr. Punch's_ calm eye pierced the veil of the future, and -saw then, as he has always seen, what was to be. - -[Footnote 1: There is a later example of this gift in the date of -another Young Man's letter.--ED.] - -This, Sir, is only a solitary instance of your prescience cited in -accidentally turning over the collected pages that seem so familiar and -are still so fresh. I could quote indefinitely as I turn over the -leaves. But time is shorter than usual this evening. There is less than -an hour left of 1877. The procession I spoke of just now has passed out -and closed the doors. Under brighter and more inspiriting auspices comes -another group. May I present them to my honoured Master? EIGHTEEN -EIGHTY-EIGHT this is _Mr. Punch_ of whom you may have heard. _Mr. -Punch_, this is EIGHTEEN EIGTHY-EIGHT of whom I expect you will hear a -good deal. And here, happier in his possessions than _King Lear_, are -his four daughters--Spring, Summer, Autumn, and Winter. They come to -wish you a Happy New Year in which no one joins so heartily as your -humble friend and servitor, - - TOBY, M.P. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: WHAT OUR ARTIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH. - -_Friendly Critic._ "HUMPH! A LITTLE _WOOLLY_ IN TEXTURE, ISN'T IT? OF -COURSE I DON'T MEAN THE _SHEEP_!"] - - * * * * * - -FROM A COUNTRY COUSIN. - -MY DEAR MR. PUNCH, - -I thank you for your advice. You were right when you told me to go and -see Mrs. BERNARD BEERE in _As in a Looking Glass_. Indeed, she does hold -the mirror up to "nature,"--which is in this instance what ZOLA calls -_la bête humaine_,--and in it is reflected the worn face, so weary of -wickedness and so hopeless of the future, of _Lena Despard_. The moral -of the story--for moral there is--is never out of date. If we can ever -retrace any of our steps in life, which I doubt, there are at all events -some false steps that never can be retraced. Our deeds become part and -parcel of ourselves, and we can no more rid ourselves of them than we -can jump off our shadows. - - "Our deeds our angels are, or good or ill; - Our fatal shadows that walk with us still." - -And yet _la bête humaine_, has not quite killed the soul of this -adventuress, for she is still capable of a real love, and of proving its -reality by an awful self-sacrifice. This is not a Christmas spirit, is -it? But you see I went before Christmas, and having done with tragedy, I -am looking forward to pantomimical stuff and nonsense. I had not read -the novel,--_you_ have, but considerately refrained from telling me the -plot,--so I enjoyed the performance without my memory compelling me to -compare it, for better or worse, with the original story. - -I have never seen Mrs. BEERE play anything before this, nor have I seen -SARAH BERNHARDT, who, as you tell me, was in other pieces this lady's -model. A London Cousin of mine, who is a theatre-goer, and knows several -of the leading actors and actresses "at home," tells me that in this -piece the individuality of the actress is completely merged in the part, -and that it is only when she is saying something very cynical, that he -was reminded by a mannerism peculiar to this actress how bitter this -BEERE could be on occasion. It is a pity her name is BEERE, because when -I asked my cousin (do you know him--JOSEPH MILLER?) if, off the stage, -this lady was really thin and tall, he replied, "Yes--Mrs. BEERE was -never stout, and was never a half-and-half sort of actress." - -And then, when I pressed him for serious answer, he said, "Well, she's -_Lena_ on the stage, as you see." What is one to do with a joker like -this, except go with him to a Pantomime, Burlesque, or Circus? - - Yours, LITTLE PETERKIN. - -P.S.--The Opéra Comique is not the Theatre for a _tragédienne_. Joe -says, "Yes it is--for Mrs. BEERE, because of the 'Op in it." - - * * * * * - -"DE DEUX SHOWS, UNE." - -On Thursday night, Mr. WILSON BARRETT, brought out a new piece at the -Globe, and in Leicester Square, the Empire Variety Show was inaugurated. -The good-natured "Visible Prince," who is always ready to encourage Art -in any form, and willing to "open" anything from a Cathedral to an -Oyster, was present at this _première_ of the New Music Hall. Poor W. B! -"How long! How long!" By the way, it may be necessary to explain to some -simple persons, that _The Empire_ has nothing whatever to do with The -Imperial Institute. - - * * * * * - -A Christmas Tip. - -"Tally ho! Yoicks, over there!" Which being translated, means go and see -the Sporting "Illustrations" at GERMAN REED'S--not "German" at all, for -you must always take this title _cum corney grano_, but "So English, you -know." And CORNEY GRAIN'S song afterwards, that marvellous duet between -Corney and Piano,--excellent! - - * * * * * - -There is now an Examination for everything. A man can't even become a -Bankrupt without passing an examination. Very hard this. - - * * * * * - -SOMETHING TO SWALLOW.--TOM TOPER says, "SHAKSPEARE'S plays were written -partly by SHAKSPEARE and partly by BACON. It was a 'split B. & S.'" - - * * * * * - -THE RECENT PRIZE-FIGHT.--What the French thought of it: an In-Seine -proceeding. - - * * * * * - -OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. - -[Illustration] - -I have just come across something on Modern Wiggism in the shape of an -amusing advertising book on the Wigs supplied to leading actors by the -theatrical perruquier FOX. "Nothing like leather," said the tanner; and -judging from the collection of illustrations and notices, it is, in Mr. -FOX'S opinion, more what is outside the head than what is in it, that -insures success on the Stage. The perruquier makes the wig, and the wig -makes the actor. There are portraits of various theatrical celebrities, -including one or two of Mr. TOOLE, in various wigs, whose presentments -in these pages may entitle the work to be called FOX'S _Book of -Martyrs_--willing martyrs, of course, and many of them after they've -strutted and fretted for several hours on the stage, quite ready to go -cheerfully to "The Steak." - -Mr. FREDERICK BARNARD'S CHARACTER SKETCHES FROM DICKENS have been -republished. They are the work of a true artist; but he should have left -_Mr. Pickwick_ alone. Who cares for an artistic _Mr. Pickwick?_ No; let -him ever remain the burlesque eccentricity invented by Mr. SEYMOUR, and -founded on DICKENS'S creation. But Mr. BARNARD'S _Mrs. Gamp_ and _Bill -Sikes_ are both quite truly Dickensonian. - - BARON DE BOOK WORMS. - - * * * * * - -NUGGETS IN NORTH WALES. - - There is legends, and traditions told, and narratives, and tales, - Of wealth in mountain crannies, caves, and cells of ancient Wales. - The dens of dwarves and fairies, sprites and goblins, imps and elves, - Where they, like misers, look you, kept their treasures to themselves. - - A cockatrice, a griffin, or a wivern watched the hoard, - In the coffers of the crystal rocks, and stone-strong chambers stored, - Breathed fire and flames, and ramped and raved in form to tear and rend, - And scratch and bite, and sting with tail, barbed arrow-like on end. - - The lions and the eagles and the snakes together linked, - The cockatrices, wiverns, and their tribes is all extinct. - No dragons could PENDRAGON, if alive yet, find to slay, - And the dwarves, and fays, and fairies all alike have gone away. - - Now GRIFFITHS is the Safe Man, and a griffin guards no more - The secret riches of the rocks--they lie concealed in ore; - The lodes and veins, and minerals, there's quantities untold - In the quarries and the crystals, and the quartzes, full of gold. - - It is an El Dorado, found in Mawddach's happy vale; - It is Mr. PRITCHARD MORGAN'S, look you, no romancer's tale. - And mines besides Gwmfynydd mine 'tis like there's them that owns; - Peradventure Mr. JENKINS, Mr. EVANS, Mr. JONES. - - North Wales will be a Golden Chersonesus, though the phrase - Is a little solecisms, indeed, suppose quartz-crushing pays. - And, moreover, in Welsh diggings what if nuggets there be found, - As large as leeks, and weighing from a scruple to a pound? - - A Golden Age in Wales, look you, there's goodly ground to hope, - And a theme of song besides to give the Bards unbounded scope, - And prizes at Eistedfoddau for poetry and odes, - On the find of gold in the quartzes and the metal-veins and lodes. - - * * * * * - -SOCIAL ROMANCE. - -_A "Fragment," extracted from the "Dim and Distant Future," as -imagined by Mr. Frederic Harrison._ - -It was a delightful summer evening, and East London was looking -its brightest. The eight hours of daily toil were over, and the crowds -of cheery-voiced and happy-faced working people were returning in -merry groups to their respective homes, scattered here and there -amid the splendid Co-operative Palaces that reared their decorated -fronts to meet the last golden glories of the setting sun, and break -the soft progress of the gentle evening breeze laden with the sweet -scents of the myriad flowers blooming freshly amid the verdant -_parterres_ and winding woodland walks by which they were divided -and surrounded. Here a rippling fountain made silvery music in -the air, while yonder the noisy brooklet could be traced cleaving -its headlong way to the lovely Thames flowing seaward tranquilly -beneath, its translucent surface being broken now and again only by -the leap from an occasional seventy-pound salmon revelling for very -joy in the highly hygienic quantity of the pure and crystal water in -which he was existing. Above was the faultless deep-blue glory -of an Italian sky. Beneath rare forest trees, amidst which the -graceful oleander and wild tamarisk flourished with all their native -strength, produced a grateful shade. So sparkling and smokeless -was the pervading atmosphere that merely to inhale it was a physical -pleasure. Sanitary and social science had indeed worked their -wonders here. East London had become to all those who dwelt amid -its fairy labyrinths a veritable earthly Paradise. And as he cast his -shapely but workmanlike frame with an elegant ease on to one of -the hundred comfortable lounges that at intervals fringed its green -swards throughout their entire length and breadth, no one in the full -flush of this glorious summer evening appreciated the fact more -keenly than did JEREMIAH HALFINCH. - -"Ah! this is delicious!" he cried, with enthusiasm; "just a few -moments' rest here to solve this problem, and then--_pour me rendre -chez moi!_" He spoke with all the easy grace and perfect _ton_ of a -West-End _raconteur_, and as he opened his basket of tools and produced -from it a translation of a new work on German Philosophy, in -the pages of which he was speedily engrossed, it was impossible not -to be struck by his general appearance. His frame was that of an -Herculean Apollo, while his head, with its finely-chiselled features -and long tawny moustache, nobly set upon his shoulders, might have -belonged to a Captain in the Guards. There was in his eyes something -of the look of an intelligent Chief Justice, and whenever he -moved it was with all the commanding dignity of a Lord Mayor. -In short, it needed only a glance at JEREMIAH HALFINCH to set him -down for what he was,--a fair specimen of the average type of the -working-man of the day. - -He was not, however, destined to be long in solving his philosophical -problem, a light step on the gravel-path caught his ear. He looked up. -"Ah! Miss BETSY JANE," he said, rising with a courtly grace as his eye -rested on the trim neatly dressed form of a girl of nineteen; "so you, -too, are enjoying the Elysian fragrance of this lovely evening?" - -The fair girl blushed slightly. She was very lovely. Her golden hair -crowned her beautifully shaped brow in broad deep bands. Her mouth had -that indescribable sweetness that is often met with in those in whom a -marvellously active intelligence is united to a strongly poetic -temperament. Her eyes were like two exquisite saucers of liquid blue, -from whose sapphire depths light and laughter seemed to sparkle up -unbidden with every variation of her mobile and ever changing -countenance. Yet she was only a poor work-girl making her £2 16_s._ -6_d._ a week, under the new scale of prices, by button-holeing. - -"I am enjoying the evening, for who would not, Mr. HALFINCH?" she -answered, half demurely, with a pretty pout, "but I have just come from -my Hydrostatic Class, and was thinking of looking in at the Opera on my -way home. They are doing "_Tristan und Isolde_," and a little _Wagner_ -is such a pleasant close to the day. Do not you think so?" - -"Indeed I do," he answered eagerly, "and I will accompany you--that is, -if I may," he added, apologetically. - -"If you _may_!" was the arch reply. In another minute they were -strolling leisurely along, side by side, towards the "Great Square of -Recreation," that was already scintillating in the distance, lit up with -the electric light as with the full blaze of day. As they were emerging -from the garden-path, they passed a small child. She was carrying a -little stone funereal urn, and she nodded to them. They stopped for a -moment. - -"Why, POLLY, dear, what have you got there?" asked BETSY JANE, stooping -down to kiss the child. - -"Oh! it's only Great Grandmother," went on the little speaker, volubly. -"I'm fetching her from the _Crematorium_. She was only _ashed_ -yesterday, you know, and father says he would like to have her on the -parlour chimney-piece as soon as possible; and so I am bringing her -home." - -"Well, my little woman," threw out HALFINCH, kindly. "Take care you -don't drop your Great Grandmother, that's all." - -"Oh no! I can carry her well enough," was the prompt response; and -little POLLY was soon bounding away across the grass merrily, with her -ancestral burthen. - - * * * * * - -BETSY JANE and JEREMIAH HALFINCH had presented their passes at the door -of the Opera House, listened to an Act of WAGNER'S incomparable music, -and were now once more coming homewards. Their conversation had had a -wide range, touching at one moment on the Norse _Saga_, and at another -on the Binomial Theorem; now on the Philosophy of EPICTETUS, and now on -the latest speculations as to the basis of Nebular Matter. They were -deeply interested in their talk, and it was not till they were suddenly -arrested in their progress that they became aware that their path was -stopped by a Policeman who was kindly stooping over a little child who -was crying over something she had dropped. - -"Oh! it is little POLLY; and she has let her Great Grandmother fall!" -cried BETSY JANE, much concerned. - -"Yes, and I have spilled her; and father will be so cross!" added the -child in tears, pointing to the broken vase and to some white ash that -laid upon the gravel path. - -"Never mind, my little woman, we will soon make it all right," answered -HALFINCH, at the same time taking an evening paper from his pocket, and -carefully collecting the broken fragments of the vase and its contents, -and making them up into a neat parcel. "There," he added, "he'll have to -get a new vase. But you may tell your father I think he'll find his -Grandmother all there. So wipe your eyes and get home as fast as you -can." - - * * * * * - -They watched the figure of the receding child. - -"You don't have much work down this way nowadays?" inquired HALFINCH -amiably of the Policeman. - -"Much work! Why, bless you, Sir, beyond occasionally running in an -Unemployed Sweater, we have none at all." - -"Well, good night, Miss BETSY JANE," said HALFINCH. - -"Good night, Mr. HALFINCH," responded the lovely girl. - -Then they each turned to their brilliantly-lighted Co-operative Palace -homes. Silence soon fell upon the scene. Another happy East-End day had -come to its luxurious close. - - * * * * * - -NEW YEAR MEMS. - -_Lord S-l-sb-ry._ Smother HOWARD VINCENT & CO.--at least in public. Give -private tip to HARTINGTON, BRIGHT, and GOSCHEN, to get me talked about -as a "second COBDEN." - -_Mr. W. E. Gl-dst-ne._ _Mem._--Feel a little "chippy" this morning. Go -out axing. Send New Year's Card to DOPPING. Forgive and Forget. Write -fewer letters, make fewer speeches, avoid railway station oratory; -CH-MB-RL-N'S imitating me there. Shall have him next taking to chopping -trees in Prince's Gardens. _Mem._--Return to use of post-cards; shall -also give up writing magazine-articles and devote myself more to -commercial pursuits; there's a good deal to be done in chips if one -gives his mind to it. Why not leave Hawarden and reside at Chipping -Norton? - -_Mr. B-lf-r._ Gingerly manipulate the "Crimes Act" across the Channel -for the next few weeks. _Mem._--Parliament opens Feb. 9th. Be careful -what I say or write about anybody. Consult Solicitor. - -[Illustration: Special.] - -_C. S. P-rn-ll._ Change my name and address next year, call myself -B-CKLE of the _Times._ - -_Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n._ Retire from "Fisheries'" as gracefully and as -soon as possible. As J-SSE C-LL-NGS would say, "Hook it." CODLING'S -the man. - -_The Lord Ch-f J-st-ce of Engl-nd._ Shall begin New Year by -leaving off voice lozenges, or may be called a "Sucking Ch-f -J-st-ce." Shouldn't like this, and I know of one worldly journalist -who wouldn't hesitate to write it. - -_The Right Hon. J. G. G-sch-n, M.P._ Think I shall go back to -the Liberal Party for a year at least; have tried them all round; find -the last rather worse than others. R-ND-LPH says I should by this -time be an authority on the principle of the "Theory of Exchanges." - -_Sir W-ll-m H-rc-rt, M.P._ Shall begin to get up every morning -at seven during recess, and go out for walk in glades of New Forest -before breakfast. Find it a capital place to think out _impromptus_ -for my speeches. - -_Monsignor P-rs-co._ _Mem._--Keep myself to myself, and don't say -nothing to nobody. - -_Archbishop Cr-ke._ Ask THOS. O'DW-ER of Limerick to dinner. -Cut National League on first opportunity. - -_Archbishop B-ns-n._ Study the Calendar of State Papers, time of -HENRY THE EIGHTH, carefully. Get portrait of myself done in full -canonicals, with the two acolytes in scarlet skull-caps and cassocks, -as we appeared at Truro. Pretty subject: great scope for artist. - -_Bishop of L-nd-n._ "Oblige B-NS-N." Ask ST-W-RT H-DL-M to -take me to the Alhambra. Try and get a copy of that now extinct -work, _Essays and Reviews_. - -_Lord D-nr-v-n._ Must find out what I really mean by "Fair -Trade." Write to _Notes and Queries_, and see if I can't get a -definition somehow. - -_Mr. O'Br-n._ Continue to pose as the "Martyr of Tullamore." -Meantime, endeavour to get supplied with still more fashionable -clothes. Why not a cheque suit, from America? - -_Cardinal M-nn-ng._ Do something of everything. _Mem._--Buy -new Filter. - -_The L-rd Ch-nc-ll-r._ Must really show some reason for my being -in this exalted position. Find comfortable quarters for a few of my -nephews, cousins, and sons-in-law who are still among "the -Unemployed." - -_The Right Hon. J-hn Br-ght, M.P._ _Mem._--J-HN BR-GHT, Always -right. Politeness costs nothing. Get someone to give me a short -manual of this almost-lost art, like prize-fighting. The latter being -revived. Practise both. - -_Mr. C. V-ll-rs St-nf-rd._ Inaugurate my Professorship in style. -Get to work, and show 'em I'm the best man to turn out a genuinely -successful first-class English Opera. - -_Professor H-xl-y._ Study SP-RG-N'S Sermons for jokes and style, -and read some theology, with a view to carrying out the great -object of my life--smashing W. S. L-LLY. - -_Mr. W. S. L-lly._ Write more _Chapters of History_. Devote five -minutes, one day when I have the leisure, to smashing H-XL-Y. - -_Mr. Justice St-ph-n._ Read up everything. After doing this, at -last give my attention to the study of law. _Mem._--Who was "The -_Master of the Sentences_?" Must get his work, and revise some of -my own. - -_Sir F. L-ght-n, P.R.A._ Commence getting up Academy Speech -for opening day. _Mem._--Read _Lemprière's Classical Dictionary_ -for subject for big R.A. picture. - -_Sir J. E. M-ll-s, R.A._ Knock off a few pictures for Illustrated -papers of Christmas, 1888. Any model with fair hair will do. -Write to P-RS' S--p people. - -_W. P. Fr-th, R.A._ Write more Recollections. _Note._--Wish -I'd taken to this sort of thing earlier in life. - -_Mr. L-b-ch-re, M.P._ Must get rid of BR-DL-GH; always been -rather a drag on me. Try and hit on some other popular notion as -good as _Truth's_ Christmas Toys. Keep Eye on "EDMUND." - -_Mr. Edm-nd Y-t-s._ Write more Recollections and Experiences. -Call them _Moi-Mêmeries_. Keep eye on "HENRY." - -_Mr. J. L. T-le._ Spend all my spare time in arranging jokes for -speeches. Note them down every morning when shaving. Send -an occasional letter to friend IRV-NG. - -_H. Irv-ng._ Refuse title if offered. Tell friend T-LE to do the same. - -_Mr. J. L. S-ll-v-n (Pugilist)._ Challenge somebody. "Excuse -my glove." - -_Mr. J. Sm-th (Pugilist)._ Challenge S-LL-V-N, and fight him. - -_Sir A. S-ll-v-n (Composer)._ Leave Society to the other S-LL-V-N. -Have had enough of it. Get back to my music. Give up G-LB-RT -as soon as possible. - -_Mr. W. S. G-lb-rt._ Hang music. Write something or other -without it. As soon as possible, give up S-LL-V-N. Also dispense -with GR-SSM-TH. - -_F. L-ckw-d, Q.C., M.P._ Renounce Law and Politics. Draw for _Punch_. -Ask H. F-RN-SS to give me a few lessons. - -_Right Hon. D-vid R. Pl-nk-t, M.P._ Take a walk about London every -morning _at least_, with view to rivalling _Sam Weller_ in extent, if -not peculiarity, of my knowledge of this "Vast Metrolopus." - -_Mrs. B-rn-rd B-re._ Look after the acting rights of _La Tosca_. Get as -good a play (if I can) as _As in the Looking-glass_, from the author of -the novel. Go to Paris, and see dear SARAH. Find a better theatre than -the Opéra Comique. - -_Mr. S-ntl-y._ Learn "_The Vicar of Bray_," and "_Father O'Flynn_," as I -have not added many new songs of late years to my _répertoire_. - -_Mr. S-ms R-v-s._ Keep all my notes for my Autobiography. What title? -_Apologia?_ - -_M-d-me P-tti._ Have "_Home, Sweet Home_," translated into foreign -languages, to give it an air of novelty. Leave Wales to the Welshers. - -_Mr. A-g-st-s H-rr-s._ Commence Pantomime for 1888-89. Entertain -everybody. Send Life Pass for the Queen's Box, to the Assistant -Architect of the Metropolitan Board of Works. Must be presented at Court -this year. Should look well in Court suit. - -_Dr. R-bs-n R-se._ Must invent something new in the diet line for New -Year; shall cut off claret and hot water and their dry toast. _Mem._--To -write article in _F-rtn-ghtly_ on "The Here and There of London Life," -and point out the absolute necessity of consulting me on every subject. -Recommend (as something novel), taking soup after cheese. This advice -ought to increase my practice considerably. - -_The Rev. Dr. P-rk-r._ Shall stay at home; at least, won't go again to -United States; too vast. - -_Mr. B-s-nt._ Keep my name well before the public. Think New Novel, _All -Sorts of Mortiboys_, by Sir W-LT-R B-S-NT, Bart., would have good effect -with publishers. Get W-LS-N B-RR-TT to dramatise with me, of course. -Shall ask him not to act in it. Off to Africa, to get away from "London -blacks." - -_Mr. N-rm-n L-cky-r._ Write _Magnum Opus_, on the action of Snowballs in -Space. - -_Sir M-r-ll M-ck-nz-e._ Make careful study of the peculiar diseases -incident to "Rumour's lying throat"--especially in Germany. - -_Ch-rm-n of M-ddl-s-x M-g-str-t-s._ Attend some Metropolitan -Music Hall every night of my life. - -_Ed-t-r of P. M. G._ Get Stead-ier every day. - -_Mr. Punch._ To wish a Happy New Year to everybody generally. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THE PENNY READING. - -(ANNALS OF A QUIET NEIGHBOURHOOD.) - -_Distinguished Amateur Vocalist (both Serious and Comic)._ "I CAN'T SAY -YOU HAVE A VERY APPRECIATIVE PUBLIC UP HERE! I NEVER SANG '_VILIKINS AND -HIS DINAH_' BETTER--BUT NOBODY LAUGHED A BIT!" - -_Horrid Boy._ "OH, BUT THEY DID WHEN YOU SANG '_THE DEATH OF NELSON_.' I -SAW THEM!"] - - * * * * * - -THE INFANT PHENOMENON. - - What will he play? Oh! young New Year, - Precocious power and baby skill - To Music's zealots are strangely dear; - The tiny fingers that thump and trill, - That sweep the keyboard with splendid speed, - Like rattling rain-drops, or fairy-feet, - Are sure of flattery's fullest meed, - And praise is sweet. - - An early _début_, my little man! - The dimpled digits you swiftly spread - The sounding octaves can scarcely span, - The pedals hardly your toes can tread. - Yet here you are, and the public ear - Is all agog for the opening chords, - With breathless mingling of hope and fear, - Too deep for words. - - The Future's Music before you stands, - Time at your elbow is prompt to turn. - 'Twill tax the force of your infant hands, - Prodigies even have much to learn. - MOZART, or HOFFMANN, or LISZT, of course, - You may turn out in your own new line; - May give us freshly the fire and force - Of RUBINSTEIN. - - The hour, young Hopeful, seems something scant - In present promise of Harmony; - Our leading music is militant. - Touch us a stave in a cheerful key! - We have abundance of crash and blare, - Drums and trumpets make angry noise; - Most of us long for a Lydian air, - O, best of boys! - - Something Arcadian, manly-sweet, - Blending notes of the lyre and flute; - Pastoral Symphony gaily fleet, - Moaning chords in the minor mute. - Something stirring to lift the heart, - Something merry to move the toes; - Melody pure with a mirthful start - And a moving close. - - Charges, marches, bugle-blasts, - Clarion-calls to the onset, tire; - Martial music a sadness casts, - Too long blown, e'en on hearts of fire. - Still the trumpet, and drop the drum! - Bid the fife for a moment cease! - Boy, we'll bless you if you'll but strum - The notes of Peace. - - Wagner-worry of key and string - Has its power, and holds its place; - Touch to-day, boy, the chords that sing - Of love and gladness, of mirth and grace. - The future's Music you fain must play? - True! Yet turn ere a chord is struck. - A bumper, boy, to a brighter day! - Here's health and luck! - - * * * * * - -UNCOMMON. - -Mr. PUNCH lately learned to his extreme astonishment and delight that he -is one of the independent Electors of the Ward of Farringdon Without. He -gathered this important information from the receipt of a highly -illustrated card from one of the numerous candidates to represent him in -that illustrious body the Court of Common Council, during the coming -year, soliciting the honour of his vote and interest. - -The Candidate in question described at length his various qualifications -for the office he sought. He kindly informed _Mr. Punch_ that he was a -Citizen, a Loriner--whatever that mysterious occupation may mean--and a -People's Caterer, and any doubt that might have been entertained with -regard to the especial business for, which he catered was at once -removed by the perusal of the last line of his canvassing card, which, -after kindly informing Mr. Punch that he had no less than sixteen votes -at his disposal, finished with the remarkable request, "Kindly PLUMP for -your Little SAUSAGE MAKER!" - -Naturally wondering why a little Sausage Maker should be considered as -so peculiarly eligible for the office of Common Councilman, that every -elector should plump for him, _Mr. Punch_ again examined the mysterious -card, and found on its back a graphic representation of a race for the -"Pork Sausage Derby," showing the Candidate, mounted on a decidedly -thoroughbred Pig, coming in an easy winner with the rest nowhere, amid -the chorus of the surrounding multitude. - -Doubting whether a Large Tripe Dresser, or a Middle-sized Mutton-Pieman, -would not have equal claims upon his Plumper to that of a Little Sausage -Maker, _Mr. Punch_ decided to take no part in the Election for Common -Councilmen until the real meaning of the word "Common" is better -understood than it evidently is at present by some aspirants to the -Office in question. - -[Illustration: THE INFANT PHENOMENON. - -LITTLE 1888. "WHAT SHALL I PLAY?" - -FATHER TIME. "THE 'MUSIC OF THE FUTURE,' MY DEAR, OF COURSE"!!!] - - * * * * * - -DOLL-CE DOMUM. - -One of the prettiest and most seasonable sights we have seen for a long -while was the display of toys collected by the proprietor of _Truth_ -from the readers of that entertaining periodical, exhibited in Willis's -Rooms before distribution amongst the children of our hospitals and -work-houses. The dolls (there were thousands and thousands of them) -seemed to be bidding the fashionable world adieu before entering, like -so many Sisters of Mercy, upon a mission of tender charity to the sick -poor. There was a private view on Sunday, a week before Christmas Day, -and those who examined the treasures revealing the glories of Regent -Street and the Lowther Arcade, could not help thinking "Mr. _Labouchere_ -must have a heart as good as his head, and be a very kind man _au -fond_." We wonder whether that confirmed cynic, the proprietor of -_Truth_, would make the same admission? - - * * * * * - -The reasons given in the correspondence published in the _Times_ of last -Thursday for discharging Mr. HIGHTON from his offices in connection with -the Westminster Play seem to us inadequate. Instead of his work tending -to lower the tone of the performance, surely its effect would obviously -be to Highton it. - - * * * * * - -Of course SMITH and KILRAIN passed their Boxing-Day together. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "TO PUT IT BROADLY." - -_Improvised Butler (to Distinguished Guest)._ "WILL YE TAKE ANNY MORE -DRINK, SOR?"] - - * * * * * - -ROBERT ON THE FRENCH TUNG. - -[Illustration] - -I begins to feel as how the older one gits the more a little bother -seems to worry him. There was a time when I could look bothers in the -face with the same carm look as I lissens to a gent when he tries to -perswade me as how as that port isn't '47 Port, but them times is gorn -I'm afeard, never to return. - -My present bother came upon me amost like a moderate size thunderbolt, -and was summut in this way. The Manager of one of my best Hotels took me -into his privet room, one day larst week, and had sum werry sollem tork -with me. He was werry kind, and werry considerate, but he was also werry -furm, and what he said was summut like this:-- - -"You see, ROBERT," said he, "things is a changing in Hotels as is amost -all other things, and all things as is jest a leetle old fashoned and a -leetle rusty, as it were, must be jest pollished up a bit, and made a -little fresher like. Now take our Hotel, for xample. See what lots of -forren gents comes and stays here, and many on 'em so orful ignorant -that they carnt not hardly speak a word of Inglish! Well, if they arsks -one of our Hed Waiters a plain common question in French, which they all -on 'em seems to know how to tork, they natrally expecs a anser. Now, -what French do you know?" - -I confess I was so taken aback at the suddenness of the question, that I -was amost speechless. But I pulled myself together, like a man and a Hed -Waiter, and said, "Not werry much, Sir, but when I was in Brussels two -years ago, witch, I bleeves is sumwheres in France, I lernt jest a few -words from the gassons at the Flarnders Hotel, witch I have treasured up -in fond memory, and may find usefool sumtimes." "Oh," said he, "I didn't -know you had travelled, so perhaps you will be able to manage." - -I didn't think it worth while to tell him that I had only been in -Brussells two days, and that it rained all the time, as I was told it -amost always does there, hence so many Brussells Sprouts, but I at wunce -made up my mind to strike up a closer acquaintence with one of our yung -French Waiters to himprove myself in his tung, and himprove him in ours. -And I'm getting on quite wunderfool. Why, ony yesterday a forren gent -said to me, "Encore de Pulley, Gasson!" to which I at wunce replied, "Be -hanged! Mossoo," and took him some. I was a good deal emused at his -calling me a boy, but my young French friend told me as it was only -their way, and didn't mean no offense, so I forguv him. But wot a -langwidge! to encore a biled chicking as if it was a comick song! Of -course I sumtimes makes mistakes, who woodn't? Last Munday, for -instance, a forrener asked me for some raisins, and of course I took him -some and some armonds with 'em, but he larfed quite artily, and kindly -sed, "I sink as you calls 'em grapes," but wot ignorance, not to know -one from the other! - -I find too, werry much to my discumfort and worry, that I am xpected to -bussel about jest as if I was the mere boy as the French gents calls me, -witch is of coarse so werry different to what I have for so many years -bin akustomed to in the dear, old, quiet, respecktable City, that I -sumtimes wunders whether I shall be able to stand it for long. Another -thing too as I misses terribly, is the hutter habsence of Toastes. No -loyal Toastes, nor no Army and Navy and Wolluntears, and no blushing -Churchman's helth, nor no Lord Mayor's helth, but dreckly as they've dun -their dinner away they goes to the Play or some such frivolus emusement, -insted of setting for ours and ours over their wine, and lissening -with rapshure to the long speaches, as full of wit as they is of -wisdom, which has made us what we are, the sollemest, and the most -respectablest, and the most diningoutest peeple in Urope, and the best -frends to the pore hardworking Waiters of any other nation. - -What a glorious free-drinking race we must have bin in days gone by! How -one's respect rises up when one hears of a digneterry of the Church who -lived to the green old age of 80, becoz he always drunk a bottle of old -port every day of his life from his youth upwards. How artily I wish I -coud afford to foller his brillyant xampel! and so gain the profound -admiration of my fellow men, as he did. Why, to such a man his dinner -must have bin to him the one great object of his life, as it ort to be -to every reel Gentleman. My son WILLIAM, who is a good calculator, tells -me that this trewly reverend Diwine must have drunk a hole Pipe of Port -ewery two years of his life! What a time of it his rewerend Butler must -have had! ROBERT. - - * * * * * - -SWIVELLERIANISM. - -From the Police Reports we have discovered that there is a Society -called "The Social Trumps." What a Swivellerian title! The dispute which -made these trumps Police Court Cards turned on a question of money, and -the Magistrate, Mr. LUSHINGTON (could there have been a more -significantly appropriate name for a justice having to decide a -Swivellerian case?) recommended the Social Trumps to settle their little -difficulty amicably among themselves. We hope the Trumps went and had a -jolly blow out together, enlivened with songs about "The Rosy" and -"Glorious Apollo," and sentiments to the effect that none of them "might -ever want a friend or a bottle to give him." The "Social Trumps" must be -enjoying their Christmas festivities. Their Christmas, of course, is The -King of Trumps. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: INTERIORS AND EXTERIORS. No. 56. - -MR. PUNCH'S NEW YEAR'S DAY RECEPTION.] - - * * * * * - -CHRISTMAS CRIMES. - -(_Dedicated to the unfortunate Concocters of Sensational Leading -Articles._) - -"A merry Christmas! And why not a Merry Christmas, we should like to be -informed? Is it not far better to be joyous and mirthful than to be----" -(&c. Supply vigorous epithets here). "A black-souled tyrant like CÆSAR -BORGIA could, no doubt, spend his Yule-tide in----" (&c., &c. Invent -some revolting anecdote about CÆSAR B.) "Yet even those insufficiently -clad progenitors of ours, the ancient Druids, seem to have understood as -though by instinct the solemn nature of the season which to-day ushers -in, and in what Mr. FREEMAN----" (or was it Lord TENNYSON? Never -mind--chance it!)--"calls the 'dateless dawn of history,' they first -employed the mistletoe bough for ritual, and perhaps even for osculatory, -purposes, and habitually gave themselves an extra coat of paint on the -25th of each recurrent December. And who can blame them?" (Recollect -that interrogatories, addressed to nobody in particular, add force to a -style.) "What though our modern Yule-tide ceremonies are a mere survival -of----" (Here bring in anything you know about the Roman Saturnalia, say -something pretty about holly being Scandinavian, and that "Waits" were -quite common in Athens in SOPHOCLES' time, especially on the stage. Then -go on triumphantly and truculently, as if you had proved your point down -to the ground)--"What difference does it make? It is the great holiday -of the Winter----" (This will be a novel idea to most of your readers.) -"For the children, who gather round the cheerful fire, and listen to the -ghost-story invented by some eloquently mendacious uncle, the season -positively sparkles and scintillates with happiness." - -"How exquisitely pleasant it is to hear the childish voices," &c., &c. -(to any amount). - -"Even for the elders, too, there is a mirth and joy about the Sacred -Season, as they calmly retire to their beds just when the row -down-stairs is becoming unbearable, and locking their doors, look -carefully round the room to see that the jug is filled in readiness for -the midnight serenaders of this blissful time. - -"When DICKENS drew his immortal picture of----" (&c., &c. Here gush at -length about _Gabriel Grubb_, _Tiny Tim_, and anybody suitable, from -_The Christmas Chimes or Carols_), "or when WASHINGTON IRVING depicted -the more than feudal merry-makings at"--(&c., &c. Try to cook up as much -about _Bracebridge Hall_ as you think the public will stand. Perhaps a -few practical words at the end would be advisable, as follows):-- - -"And after our traditional Yule-tide offerings are over; after the -preposterous claims of the postman and the lamp-lighter have been -liquidated by liquor or satisfied by sixpences; then can we forget that -besides this private bounty we also have a duty to our country? Lives -there the man with soul so dead, Whose heart within him has not bled, -And who, quite promptly has not fled, at mention of that grandest of -Nineteenth Century inspirations, the Jubilee Imperial Institute? The -Imperial Institute is----" (Here mention what it is. If you don't quite -know, you can count upon none of your readers being any the wiser. Then -add appeals for cash, a few more Yule-tide common-places, and a general -and genial wind-up.) - - * * * * * - -When a judgment is re-versed, ought not the original to have been in -rhyme? - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: hand] NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, -whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, -will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and -Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no -exception. - - - - -[Illustration: INDEX] - - - ABSURD to a Degree, 13 - - Actor's Progress (The), 203 - - Adam Slaughterman, 88 - - Addio, Adelina! 286 - - Advice Gratis, 246 - - Albert Hall Concert, 244 - - All in Play, 49, 88, 100, &c. - - All the Difference, 82, 222 - - "All the Talents," 300 - - Almost too Good to be True, 251 - - Alteram Partem, 278 - - Amen! 253 - - American China, 146 - - American Chorus, 249 - - Another "Butler;" or, A Thorne in his side, 301 - - Another Chance for Joe and Jesse, 215 - - Arms and the (Police) Man, 17 - - 'Arry at the Sea-side, 111 - - 'Arry on Angling, 45 - - 'Arry on his Critics, 280 - - 'Arry on Law and Order, 249 - - 'Arry on Ochre, 169 - - Artist's Holiday (The), 94 - - At Hawarden, 226 - - At Home with Atoms, 114 - - At the Lyceum, 26 - - At the Naval Review, 30 - - At the Oval, 61 - - Autumn Lay (An), 189 - - - BABES in the Christmas Wood (The), 267 - - Backing Baco, 126 - - Bacon Again, 288 - - Bacon v. Shakspeare, 286 - - Bad News for Tea-Drinkers, 192 - - Ballade of the House (A), 82 - - Ballade of the Timid Bard, 185 - - Ballet (The), 97 - - Bard at Henley (The), 5 - - Barr Drink (A), 137 - - Bartlett's Baby, 214 - - Battle of the Way (The), 157 - - "Bearing of it lies in the Application" (The), 219 - - Bicyclists of England (The), 145 - - Big Work and Little Hands, 184 - - Bishop and Port, 254 - - Black Affair at Hayti (A), 217 - - Blessings in Disguise, 29 - - Bob Sawyer Redivivus, 179 - - Bogey in Bond Street, 190 - - "Bon Voyage!" 93 - - Bounties to Foreigners, 205 - - Boy and the Bear (The), 142 - - Brigand's Doom (The), 129 - - Burly Gentleman (A), 232 - - Burning Question (A), 96 - - By a Canterbury Belle, 69 - - By George! 231 - - - CASE-o'-my-Banker, 118 - - Chairs to Mend, 190 - - Change, 75 - - Change of Name, 106 - - Channel Talk, 81, 191 - - "Charles our Friend," 222 - - Chess-shire Cheese (A), 58 - - Chimes (The), 294 - - Christmas Crimes, 310 - - "Christmas is Coming!" 243 - - Circular Note (A), 293 - - Circus Performances, 117 - - Clear as Crystal; or, All about it, 29 - - Cloud of Yachts (A), 193 - - "Cold id by Doze," 196 - - Complaint of the Cockney Clerk (The), 167 - - Confessor's Costume (A), 244 - - Conscientious Apparition (The), 298 - - Conventional Politeness, 210 - - Cornet and Piano, 301 - - Correct Card (The), 62 - - Country Cousin's Vade Mecum (The), 46 - - Court Circular (The), 40 - - Crossing the Bar, 165 - - Cry from the Counting-house (A), 285 - - - DARK Look-out (A), 17 - - Day Out (A), 26 - - Dear Departed (The), 298 - - Derby and Gladstone, 203 - - Despatch with Economy, 38 - - Difficult Navigation, 54 - - Disputed Will (A), 273 - - Doll-ce Domum, 309 - - Down-y Philosopher (A), 261 - - Dramatic Oratorio (A), 269 - - Drury Lane with Pleasure, 113 - - Duke's Motto (The), 123 - - Dustman and the Barge-Owner (The), 239 - - - 'EAT of Discussion (The), 145 - - Echoes from St. James's Palace, 178 - - Elegant Extracts by Eminent Men, 61 - - End of the Jubilee (The), 62 - - End of the Summer (An), 133 - - Epitaph (An), 40 - - Essence of Parliament, 11, 23, 35, &c. - - Euthanasia, 203 - - Eviction, 74 - - Extra Special, 246 - - - FATHER of the Man (The), 123 - - Ferdinand and Ariel, 76 - - "Finis Coronat Opus," 76 - - Fire and Water, 78 - - First in the Field, 112 - - Fishers (The), 219 - - Fistic Crack, Smith (The), 286 - - Fling at Fair Traders, 277 - - Floreat Maschera! 3 - - Fly and the Farmers (The), 106 - - For an Irish Trip, 118 - - Foreign Language Competition, 70 - - Forest Talk, 166 - - Foul is Fair, 40 - - Founded on Fact, 291 - - Four Noble Burglars (The), 216 - - From a Country Cousin, 303 - - From Mr. Henry Irving's Note-Book, 201 - - Furnishing Fictionists, 292 - - Future Position of the Army (The), 276 - - - GARDEN, Lane, and Market, 5 - - Garden Talk, 153 - - Gentle Johnny Bull, 208 - - Gentle Shepherd! 173 - - "Gesta Grayorum," 16 - - Gladstone Bait (The), 230 - - "Glass Falling!" 66 - - Gog and Magog at the Ball, 9 - - Gold and Steel, 158 - - "Good Gun" (A), 90 - - Grandolph's Teachings, 21 - - Grasp your Thistle, 161 - - Great News for the Impecunious, 141 - - Great Thirst Land (The), 40 - - - HAVOC! 61 - - Hazard of A-dye (The), 66 - - Heavy Lightning, 145 - - Henry Mayhew, 53 - - Hibernia to the Queen, 9 - - Hints for the Unemployed, 202 - - Hint to the Howlers (A), 113 - - His First Appearance at the Café des Ambassadeurs, 218 - - Holiday Hints, 105 - - "Homes in the Hills," 102 - - "Home, Sweet Home!" 12 - - House and Home, 129 - - How Then? 166 - - How to Escape the Fog, 258 - - Humility, 221 - - Hydropathic Art, 278 - - Hygienic, 153 - - - IMPERIAL Institutors, 204 - - Important Summing-Up (An), 255 - - In Convocation, 24 - - Infant Phenomenon (The), 306 - - Ingratitude of Grandolph (The), 227 - - Insurer's Phrase-Book (The), 77 - - In their Crackers, 297 - - In the Nick of Time, 292 - - Invitation (An), 87 - - Irish Net Profit, 108 - - "Irish Prosecutions," 183 - - - JACK'S Response, 38 - - Jaw-holding, 220 - - Jenny Lind, 219 - - Jest in Earnest, 63 - - Jills in Office, 4 - - Joe's Jaunt, 189 - - Jupiter Tonans! 102 - - - KEPT In, 250 - - Knight Thoughts, 197 - - - LADIES' Law, 65 - - Lady Godiva and her Portraits, 14 - - Laissez-Faire, 110 - - Land Measure, 73 - - Lane and Garden, 33 - - Larks and the Roses (The), 261 - - Larks for Legislators, 34 - - Last of the Go-he-cans (The), 221 - - Last (Signal) Man (The), 162 - - Last Visit (but One) to the Academy (The), 9 - - Latest Addition to Fairy Land, 250 - - Latest and Best from Berlin (The), 270 - - Latest from Lord's (The), 2 - - Latest Street Improvement, 15 - - Lawful (?) Latitude, 84 - - Lay of Lawrence Moor! 292 - - Learned Protest (A), 297 - - Learning the Language, 117 - - Legion of Dishonour (The), 182 - - Lesson for the Day (The), 242 - - Lesson of the Royal Review (The), 28 - - Letter-Bag of Toby, M.P., 173, 184, 196, &c. - - Lichfield House of Call (A), 180 - - Light from the Wind, 133 - - Lighting the Dublin Beacon, 258 - - Line for Browning (A), 237 - - Literary Find (A), 252 - - Loaded with Presents, 174 - - "Long expected come at Last!" 5 - - Lord Mayor's Day in Dublin (A), 170 - - Lord Salisbury's Shakspeare, 273 - - Lords and Ladies, 21 - - Lost Record (The), 130 - - - MAGAZINES in Bulk, 205 - - Making it Easy, 42 - - Manners and Customs of the City of London, 228 - - Marble Arch (The), 73 - - "Margarine," 34 - - May in November, 242 - - Measure for Measure, 96 - - Medical New Year's Day (The), 166 - - Messenger of Peace (The), 186 - - "Mi Lor Maire," 240 - - Mixed Pickles; or, A Very Late Party, 14 - - More Advice Gratis, 130 - - More Jills in Office, 17 - - More Realism, 221 - - More Reminiscences, 232 - - Morning's Reflections (The), 157 - - Mr. Gladstone on the Fifth of November, 208 - - Mr. Punch's Manual for Young Reciters, 25, 37, 64, &c. - - Muse in Manacles (The), 192 - - "My Lawyer," 26 - - Mysterious Paper (A), 225 - - - NAPPY Holiday (A), 228 - - Necessary Explanation (A), 278 - - Negative Results, 238 - - Ne Plus Ulster, 191 - - New, and Bad, "Hatch" (The), 6 - - New North-West Passage (The), 174 - - New Quixote (The), 194 - - New Sixpence (The), 274 - - Newton and the Apple, 18 - - New Version, 231 - - New Wersion of an Old Song (A), 72 - - New Year Mems, 305 - - New Year's Card (A), 302 - - Not a "Deus ex Machinâ," 150 - - (Not at all) Bad Homburg, 155 - - (Not so) Bad Homburg, 143 - - Nottingham v. Sunderland, 201 - - Novel Reader's Vade Mecum (The), 105 - - Nu Dikshonary (The), 165 - - Nuggets in North Wales, 304 - - - O'BRIEN'S Breeches, 274 - - Obviously, 237 - - Octopus of Romance and Reality (The), 171 - - Official Object Lessons, 22 - - Of the Maske-aline Gender, 28 - - Old Doggerel Adapted, 22 - - Oldest Sketching Club in the World (The), 270 - - "On his Own Hook!" 114 - - On the Stump, in Two Senses, 141 - - On the Wing, 138 - - On the Wrong Scent, 270 - - Open Question, 264 - - Operatic Confusion, 1 - - Our Advertisers, 149, 197, 209 - - Our Booking-Office, 165, 180, 192, &c. - - Our Christmas Booking-Office, 281 - - Our Debating Club, 245, 268 - - Our Exchange and Mart, 49, 69 - - Our Ignoble Selves, 121 - - Our Theatrical Picture-Posters, 275 - - - PALACE of (Advertising) Art (The), 263 - - Papers from Pumphandle Court, 241 - - Parliamentary Ballyhooly (The), 62 - - Parliamentary Notices, 61 - - Paving the Way for him, 22 - - "Paying their Shot," 147 - - Peccant Member (The), 114 - - Philosopher's Stone (The), 252 - - Philosophy at the Popping-Crease, 25 - - Piccadilly Players, 293 - - Plea for the Birds (A), 125 - - Pleasant Traveller's Conversation-Book (The), 73 - - Plentiful Lac (The), 226 - - Pluck of Gggrrandddolllmann's Camp (The), 285 - - Point of Law (A), 161 - - Poor Old England! 162 - - Powers that be (The), 245 - - Pretty Centenarian (A), 122 - - Pretty Kettle of Fish (A), 154 - - Price of Support (The), 85 - - Private Banker's Pæan (The), 77 - - Privileged Pistols, 73 - - Pro Bono Publico, 197 - - Professor at the Dinner-Table (The), 287 - - Progressive Programme (A), 193 - - Promenading, 246 - - Protest (A), 186 - - - QUEEN at Hatfield (The), 26 - - Quite a Little Holiday, 179, 193 - - Quite Chrismassy, 281 - - Quite English, 134 - - "Quite English, you know," 282 - - - RALEIGH too Bad, 6 - - Rapture, 93 - - Rasher Theory of Bacon (A), 278 - - Rather Mixed, 232 - - Real Grievance Office (The), 170 - - Real "Inky Flood" (A), 110 - - Real Sporting Event (A), 118 - - Reasons Why, 246 - - Recent Prize-Fight (The), 303 - - Regular Cell (A), 137 - - "Re-Joyce!" 278 - - Reminiscence of the Naval Review (A), 52 - - Richard Jeffries, 93 - - Rise in Balloons (A), 89 - - Robert at Lillie Bridge, 159 - - Robert at Kilburn, 255 - - Robert at Marlow, 125 - - Robert at the Academy, 13 - - Robert at the American Exhibition, 10 - - Robert at the Guildhall Ball, 33 - - Robert at the Ministerial Bankwet, 81 - - Royalty at the Palace, 4 - - Robert at Spithead, 57 - - Robert on Lord Mayor's Day, 237 - - Robert on Luxury, 206 - - Robert on Spelling, 183 - - Robert on the French Tung, 309 - - "Room and Verge," 75 - - Roses in December, 289 - - Row in the Gallery (A), 221 - - - SAILOR'S Slip (The), 57 - - Salubrities Abroad, 65, 76, 86, &c. - - Sardou and Sara, 258 - - Scarcely Worth While, 25 - - Scarletina at Truro, 225 - - Schoolmaster of the Future (The), 234 - - Sea-Dreams, 70 - - Seeing his Way, 39 - - Shakspeare Up Again, 289 - - Shakspearian Question (The), 274 - - Shows Views, 185, 208, 220, &c. - - Shrimp Cure (The), 240 - - Sidonian Shakspeare, 46 - - Sigh of the Season (The), 106 - - Social Romance, 304 - - Society Sibyls, 279 - - Some More Official Jills, 50 - - Some Notes at Starmouth, 97, 120, 132, &c. - - Something to Swallow, 303 - - Song by Sir Abel Handy, 24 - - Songs at Stamboul, 21 - - Soothing Song for August (A), 69 - - So Seasonable, you know, 245 - - Sound Opinion (A), 285 - - "Special" Reasons, 243 - - Stable Companion (A), 167 - - Straight Tip (The), 277 - - Strange Adventures of Ascena Lukin-glass, 109 - - Strictly Private, 232 - - Studies from Mr. Punch's Studio, 41, 204 - - Summer Boating Song, 58 - - Summer Soliloquy (A), 108 - - Suspiria, 229 - - Swivellerianism, 309 - - - TALE of Terror (A), 110 - - Testimonial (A), 18 - - Theatrical Noes to Queries, 168 - - Theatrical Reciprocity, 277 - - Theory and Practice, 233 - - To a Lady Dentist, 195 - - To his Mistress, 249 - - Tom Brown & Co.'s Schooldays, 256 - - Too Clever by Half, 293 - - Too Much of a Good Thing, 3 - - "To Tea-pot Bay and Back," 121 - - To the Incomplete (Political) Angler, 209 - - To the Modern Men of Gotham, 281 - - To the Unemployed, 245 - - Town Mouse's Trials (The), 231 - - Toying with Truth, 286 - - Traveller's Vade Mecum (The), 64 - - Turning to the Left, 169 - - 'Twill Illume, 243 - - Two Goats (The), 180 - - Two Canons and Bean-Baggers (The), 258 - - Two French Presidents rolled into One, 254 - - Two Voices (The), 198 - - Tympanum (The), 156 - - - UNCOMMON, 306 - - Unemployed, 298 - - - VENICE Unpreserved, 98 - - Verb Sap., 33 - - Very Annoying, 26 - - Very like a Wales, 62 - - Very Pretty Tale by Anderson (A), 124 - - Vicarious Whipping, 159 - - Visit to "The Licensed Vistlers", 291 - - Virtues of Omission 99 - - Voces Populi, 201, 214, 226, &c. - - - WAIL of Messrs. Burt and Fenwick, 145 - - Wail of the Male (The), 126 - - Wail of the Wire (The), 242 - - Waiting his Orders, 300 - - Wanted, a Theseus, 150 - - Way of the Wind (The), 99 - - Well Protected, 280 - - Welsh for the Welsh, 73 - - What was it? 138 - - Whistling Relief (The), 106 - - Whitman in London, 101 - - Why he Went, 82 - - Woes of the Water Consumer (The), 250 - - Words in Season, 123 - - Worth Cultivating, 290 - - Worth Mentioning, 14 - - Would-be "Literary Gent" (A), 274 - - - LARGE ENGRAVINGS. - - All the Difference, 223 - - Chimes (The), 295 - - Convention-al Politeness, 211 - - Difficult Navigation, 55 - - "Final Tableau" (The), 127 - - "Fire Fiend" (The), 79 - - "Glass Falling!" 67 - - "Good Gun" (A), 91 - - Grand Old Janus (The), 247 - - Infant Phenomenon (The), 307 - - Jupiter Tonans! 103 - - Justice at Fault, 163 - - Lighting the Dublin Beacon, 259 - - Making it Easy, 43 - - Messenger of Peace (The), 187 - - New "Hatch" (The), 7 - - New North-West Passage (The), 175 - - Newton and the Apple, 19 - - "On his own Hook!" 115 - - On the Wrong Scent, 271 - - "Overlooked!" 139 - - "Quite English, you know," 283 - - Schoolmaster of the Future (The), 235 - - Spithead, July 23, 1887, 31 - - Two Voices (The), 199 - - Wanted, a Theseus, 151 - - - SMALL ENGRAVINGS. - - - Academy Pictures, 9, 13 - - Alderman's Reason for drinking Champagne, 226 - - Amateur Vocalist at a Penny Reading (An), 306 - - 'Arry, 'Arriet, and the Indians, 18 - - Artist and his Rich Patron (An), 94 - - Artists and School-Board Notice, 46 - - Aunty and the Policeman, 231 - - Babes in the Christmas Wood (The), 266 - - Baby Bottesini (The), 38 - - Baby Gorilla (The), 214 - - Birds on the Telegraph Wires, 155 - - Boatman's Opinion on a Dress-Improver, 126 - - Bogeyish Pictures, 190 - - Boulanger-Ferry Duel (The), 63 - - Brown's Boarhound and the Rabbit, 270 - - Brown's Experience of Squalls, 118 - - Bulgar Boy and the Bear, 142 - - Buying Grouse, 135 - - Cannibal Uncle (A), 70 - - Chamberlain and the Gladstone Bait, 230 - - Children's Day in the Country (A), 30 - - Chimney-Sweep not in Black, 130 - - Chinaman on Tricycle (A), 50 - - Chorister Boys with the Mumps, 217 - - Churchill at the Battle of the Estimates, 39 - - Clergyman and the Widow (The), 263 - - Colour of the Gorse (The), 111 - - Comte de Paris and his Manifesto, 134 - - Costumes for the Recess, 143 - - Country Ladies and Street Boys, 291 - - Cricket at Lord's, 12, 28 - - Dachshund's Sore Throat (A), 278 - - Darwinian Ancestor (A), 265 - - Débutante's Series of Suppers (A), 222 - - Disadvantage of being an Aristocrat, 110 - - Division Lobbies (The), 11 - - Don Chamberlain Quixote, 194 - - Duke evicting the Volunteers (The), 74 - - Dumb Crambo's School-Book Review, 37 - - East Countrymen on Disestablishment, 219 - - English and American Yachts, 157 - - Fag-end of the Session (The), 83 - - Family Starting for the Seaside, 90 - - Finding the Law Courts, 129 - - First Meet of the Season (The), 227 - - F.-M. Punch's Parliamentary Review, 23 - - Footman's Opinion of the Unemployed, 243 - - German Belle's English (A), 62 - - Gladstone and Jenny Jones, 290 - - Gladstone's Sale of Chips, 202 - - Gondolier and the Steam-launch, 98 - - Good-woodcuts, 48 - - Grandpapa, Johnny, and the Irish Stew, 298 - - Grand Parliamentary Cricket-Match, 71 - - Grouse Prospects, 60 - - Guest's Departure and the little Trees, 210 - - Hampstead Ponds (The), 198 - - Hansom Cab in a Hampstead Pond, 246 - - Honeymoon Riddle (A), 75 - - Host treading on Lady's Skirt, 213 - - House "Up" at Last (The), 131 - - How We Advertise Now, 262 - - Hungry Professor at a Pic-nic, 186 - - Improvised Butler and Distinguished Guest at Dinner-Table, 309 - - In Lowther Arcadia at Christmas Times, 299 - - Innings of the Two Bills, 2 - - "Instantaneous Photography" in Ireland, 238 - - Irish Waiter and Bow-legged Traveller, 195 - - Jack and Effie on the Sea-shore, 78 - - Japanese and the Lady's Feet (A), 267 - - John Bull and Miss Columbia, 122 - - John Bull and the Jubilee Gifts, 178 - - King of the Belgians and Ostend Fishery, 154 - - Ladies wilfully mistaking Identity, 42 - - Lady's Long-lasting Voice (A), 82 - - Laurie growing too rapidly, 159 - - "London Quite Empty!" 167 - - Long Sight or Short Arms? 203 - - Lordly Cecil and his Queen (The), 87 - - Lord Lytton translated into French, 218 - - Madame France's Next Fashion, 27 - - Making Good Use of the Square, 6 - - Mamma and her Selfish Daughters, 102 - - Matthews and the Police, 207 - - McScrew's Glasgow Friends, 179 - - Minister's Retort on Free Kirk Elder, 251 - - Missionary who couldn't convert the Sultan, 45 - - Miss Tomkyn's return from the Concert, 66 - - Modern Autolycus (The), 182 - - Money-making Schoolboy (The), 256 - - Mother-in-law's Return (A), 286 - - Mr. Punch's Parliamentary Naval Review, 35 - - Nelson as a Special Constable, 243 - - New French President (The), 279 - - Newly-titled Lord and an Old Chum, 225 - - New Shylock (The), 285 - - Nizan of Hyderabad and Britannia, 158 - - Northern Belle and Provincial Masher, 22 - - Not in Love--this Season, 274 - - Octopus of Romance and Reality, 171 - - Old Butler and Her Ladyship's Music, 234 - - Old Gent and Small Boy on Beach, 137 - - Old Lady and Cabman, 183 - - Old Lady forgets where she Dined, 26 - - Parliamentary Alpine Club, 59 - - Parliamentary Cattle-Show (The), 275 - - Parliamentary Harvest (The), 107 - - Pic-Nic Parties disturbed by Rain, 150 - - Pigheaded Attack on the Immortal Bard, 273 - - Pricing an Artist's Masterpiece, 3 - - Probable Pictures for Christmas, 250 - - Professional Cricketers, 53 - - Professor's Opinion on Long Words (The), 255 - - Public School Boy and his Grandfather, 123 - - Punch and the Police Recruit, 191 - - Punch as Apollo, 1 - - Punch at Portsmouth, 54 - - Railway Station Puzzle, 93 - - Record of the Session--Dead Heat, 133 - - Regretting not having eaten more Oysters, 294 - - Returning Home from Seaside, 162 - - Robert and Stingy Old Gent, 81 - - Rough Day at the Sea-side, 138 - - Sacred Music in French, 189 - - Salisbury awaking the Crocodile, 160 - - Science appealing to John Bull, 51 - - Scotch Wife and the Minister's Tricycle, 166 - - Seeing the Blondin Donkey, 99 - - Set Fair at Whitby, 114 - - Several Boxing Encounters, 287 - - Sharp Boy and Papa's Sixpence, 209 - - Sir W. V. Harcourt as Falstaff, 254 - - Sketching a Lady Sketcher, 174 - - Snap-shots for the Twelfth, 69 - - Society's Pugilistic Pet, 282 - - Speaker using the Birch (The), 47 - - Special Constable and Lady Cook, 258 - - Speechifying on Railway Platforms, 215 - - Street Puzzle--in the Strand, 117 - - Sultan's Appeal to Mr. Punch, 153 - - Teacher of Shorthand (A), 170 - - Times, Salisbury, and National League, 40 - - Toby's New Year's Greeting, 302 - - Tradesmen clearing Regent Street, 15 - - Triangular Duel of Operatic Managers, 21 - - Turning on Whiskey and Water, 106 - - Unemployed Man's Shovel (An), 206 - - University Coach and Volatile Pupil, 34 - - Unwelcome Lady Visitor (An), 86 - - Utilising a Theatrical Poster, 216 - - Watching a Couple on the Balcony, 58 - - Wearing a Real Engagement Ring, 239 - - Whim-buildin', 17, 29 - - Willow-Pattern Plate (The), 146 - - Wolff and the Sultan, 29 - - Wonderful Sporting Dog (A), 147 - - Woolly Landscape, but not Woolly Sheep (A), 303 - -[Illustration] - -LONDON: BRADBURY AGNEW & CO., PRINTERS WHITEFRIARS. - -[Illustration: PUNCH VOL 93 - -LONDON: - -PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, - -AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS. - -1887.] - - LONDON: - BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO., PRINTERS, WHITEFRIARS. - -[Illustration] - -SCENE--_A snug and sequestered if cloudy corner of the Elysian Fields. -Present, the Shades of_ SHAKSPEARE _and_ BACON, _engaged in reading_ Mr. -DONELLY'S _egregious lucubrations, not without such mild and mitigated -mirth as becomes the locality. To them enters a small and sprightly -Personage, light-footed, but of seeming cis-Stygian solidity._ - - _Bacon_ } (_together_). Hillo! - _Shakspeare_ } - -_Mr. Punch._ _That_ sounds human. Savours rather of my own Fleet Street -than of the realms of the _other_ Rhadamanthus. What cheer, sweet WILL? -How fare you, Brother FRANCIS? [_Salutes courteously._ - -_Bacon._ 'Twere affectation to ask _who_ you are, Sir. The question, -"How gat you here?" may perchance be more pertinent--and pardonable. - -_Mr. P._ (_airily_). Oh, I had been for--say, the _x_th time--to see -"Our MARY" in _The Winter's Tale_, and being more inclined for -profitable talk than for sleep, I just took you on my way home. - -_Bacon_ (_smiling_). Marry, Mr. PUNCH, were the statement of sequence -equivalent to the explanation of causation, yours would be a most -satisfactory answer. - -_Shaks._ (_mildly_). Be not too scientifically scrutinising, Brother -BACON. Mr. PUNCH, _Puck_ and _Ariel_ in one, is free of all places, lord -of all latitudes, penetrator of all spheres, permeator of all elements. - -_Mr. P._ True, sweet WILL! How much more catholic, in comprehension, as -in charity, is the creative mind than the merely critical one! - -_Bacon._ Humph! That sounds Sphinxian. HERACLITUS the Obscure was -pellucid in comparison. - -_Mr. P._ And yet, I warrant you, Master SHAKSPEARE here could play the -"Diver of Delos" where your pundit's plummet should not find bottom. -However, "broad-browed VERULAM," let not that brow's breadth cloud or -corrugate in vexation at my persiflage. What do you read, Sir? - -_Shaks._ "Words, words, words!" - -_Mr. P._ "I mean the matter that you read." - -_Shaks._ "Slanders, Sir." For the coney-catching rogue--one -DONELLY--says here----but of course you know _what_ he says. [_The trio -laugh Homerically, until the asphodels wag their white heads and -convulse their starry corollas in sheer sympathy._ - -_Bacon._ By DEMOCRITUS, laughter in these latitudes is seldom enough of -this sort and compass. - -_Mr. P._ To succeed in shaking the sides--of BACON, _here_, is somewhat -indeed, the greatest triumph, be sure, that awaits the incongruous -Cryptogrammatist. - -_Shaks._ Would that BEN JONSON were with us to join in the glorious -guffaw. - -_Mr. P._ Conceive Rare BEN being jockeyed into accepting _you_, his -contemporary and tavern-companion, as the author of such "unconsidered -trifles" as _Hamlet_ and _Lear_, _Othello_ and _Macbeth_, _The Tempest_ -and _The Midsummer Night's Dream_! Wer't ever at the "Mermaid," VERULAM? - -_Bacon._ Verily, Mr. PUNCH, I should like mightily to have joined in -that company, just for once, and to have discussed the Cryptogram with -the "Spanish great galleon" and the "English man-of-war" (as FULLER puts -it), whom DONELLY now desires to knock, as it were, into one curiously -composite craft. Did not this same maker of mare's-nests indite a -fantastic tome, full of bottomless argument and visionary particularity, -concerning that fabled island or continent of Atlantis, which the -Egyptian priest told SOLON had been swallowed up by an earthquake? - -_Mr. P._ Like enough, my Lord, like enough. Once a mare's-nester, always -a mare's-nester. Nephelo-Coccygia was _terra firma_ compared with the -elaborate but evanescent Cloud-Cuckoolands of riddle-reading -theory-mongers. - -_Shaks._ When OEDIPUS gets crotchet-ridden the sooner the Sphinx -devours him the better. - -_Mr. P._ True, O Swan! Let the Great Brethren of British Genius be -brethren still--twins, if you please, but twain. Verily it might almost -pass the might of Mother Nature to round two such splendid orbs into -one. Rare BEN had his tribute for you also, my VERULAM. "No man ever -spake more neatly, more purely, more weightily, or suffered less -emptiness, less idleness in what he uttered." Might have been said of -ME! - -_Bacon._ Praise shared with you is praise indeed! But the language of -the Realm of Phantasy--WILL'S own world--the speech of Arcady, of Arden, -of shadowy Elsinore, of _Prospero's_ enchanted Isle--WILL'S native -tongue--passeth many a league-long step beyond the "neatness" of the -judgment-seat, or the "fulness" of the _Novum Organum Scientiarum_. - -_Mr. P._ Well said, Wisdom! - -_Shaks._ (_chortling softly_). Why, who knows? One day, perchance,--æons -hence, of course,--some puzzle-headed pragmatist may propound the -preposterous question, "Who wrote _Punch?_" From out the fathomless -deeps of its many thousand wit-stored tomes the DONELLY of that dim and -distant future may readily dip up, in his poor bucket, a Cryptogram, to -show that they were produced by a scientific syndicate, including -FARADAY and MILL, HUXLEY and HERBERT SPENCER, DARWIN and the Duke of -ARGYLL. [_At the mention of the Olympian and autocratic Scottish -Sciolist, Homeric laughter bursts forth anew in yet fuller force._ - -_Bacon._ Prithee, sweet WILL, don't! Shadowy sides can ache, I find, and -then, what will Rhadamanthus think? - -_Mr. P._ As Jupiter did when the adventurous Ixion intruded into -Olympus, perhaps. Well, well, put aside that preposterous book, which, -as you, my Lord BACON, said of the Aristotelian method, is "only strong -for disputations and contentions, but barren of works for the benefit of -the life of man," and, I may add, of immortals. - -_Shaks._ (_yawning_). Not all reading, my FRANCIS, makes a full -man--save in the sense in which one may be filled with the East wind. -_My_ books were men. Not much that is novel in Nature, human or -otherwise, to study in these shadowy realms. I miss the "Mermaid," and -the mazy world which was my stage. DONELLY'S book is dull, however. -Canst furnish us with a substitute, excellent Mr. PUNCH? - -_Mr. P._ That can I, sweet WILL. To that end indeed came I hither. As a -popular stage-character--not one of your own--saith, "I hope I don't -intrude." Ah, I thought not; but you needn't try (ineffectually) to -wring my hands off, the pair of you. Behold!!!!!! - -As Mr. PUNCH reluctantly turned his back upon Elysium, he left the two -Illustrious Shades, prone side by side and cheek by jowl upon an -asphodel bank, eagerly and diligently perusing his - -Ninety-Third Volume! - -[Illustration] - -[Transcriber's Note: - -All apparent printer's errors retained. - -Italics denoted with underscores (_).] - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume -93, December 31, 1887, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, DEC 31, 1887 *** - -***** This file should be named 40599-8.txt or 40599-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/0/5/9/40599/ - -Produced by Wayne Hammond, Malcolm Farmer and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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