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diff --git a/40599-0.txt b/40599-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..856d509 --- /dev/null +++ b/40599-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2559 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40599 *** + + PUNCH, + + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + + VOL. 93. + + DECEMBER 31, 1887 + + +ANOTHER "BUTLER;" OR, A THORNE IN HIS SIDE. + +[Illustration] + +Taking for granted the improbabilities of Mr. AUTHOR JONES'S plot--which +seems to use up again the materials of _Aurora Floyd_, and one or +two other novels, including the _Danvers Jewels_--and a certain +maladroitness of construction, _Heart of Hearts_ is both interesting and +amusing. All the characters are distinctly outlined excepting +one, and this one, strange to say, is _James Robins_, the hero of the +piece, a part apparently written rather to suit Mr. THOMAS THORNE'S +peculiarities, than to exhibit any marked individuality of character. + +_James Robins_, _Lady Clarissa Fitzralf's_ butler,--who is of course the +intimate friend of Mr. and Mrs. MERIVALE'S butler at Toole's Theatre +round the corner,--has secretly married his mistress's sister, and her +niece is openly to marry his mistress's son. Now, how about the +character of _James Robins?_ Is he honest? Hardly so. Is he sly? +Certainly. Is he crafty? It cannot be denied. Yet the sympathy of the +audience is with him. Why? Well, chiefly because he is played by Mr. +THORNE, and secondarily, because he is very fond of his brother's child, +whom he has brought up because his brother, having got into trouble and +been compelled to "do his time," has delivered her into his care. This +nice father returns, comes to see his child, and steals a ruby bracelet, +this ruby being the "heart of hearts." Whereupon one _Miss Latimer_, a +malicious schemer, fixes the theft on _Lucy Robins_. What more natural, +considering the name? The father, _Old Robins_, has stolen the jewel; +the daughter, _Lucy Robins_, has been accused of doing so. Quite a +robbin's family. Of course exculpation and explanation wind up the play, +though I regret to say I was compelled to leave before hearing how Mr. +AUTHUR JONES deals with that old reprobate Cock _Robins_, the parent +bird, who, in view of the future happiness of _Mary_ and _Ralph_, would +be about as presentable a father-in-law to have on the premises as that +old "unemployed" reprobate, _Eccles_, in _Caste_. I am sorry he wasn't +somehow disposed of, having of course previously confessed his guilt to +the bilious detective, _March_, and expired under the assumed name of +_Mister Masters_. By the way, AUTHUR JONES is not happy in nomenclature. + +The dialogue is good throughout, even when it only indirectly developes +character or helps the action, and so is the acting. Mr. THORNE as +_James_ is admirable; representing the character as a man gifted +with an overpowering appreciation of the humorous side of every +situation,--including his own as a butler,--in which either accident or +design may place him. I do not believe that this was the author's +intention, but this is the impression made upon me by Mr. THORNE'S +acting, and I am sure it could not be better played. Miss KATE RORKE is +charmingly natural; Mr. LEONARD BOYNE is unequal, being better in the +last Act than the first. My sensitive ear having been struck by the +mellifluous accents of _Lucy_ and the Corkasian,--I think, though, it +may be Galwaisian,--tones of her lover, I could not help wondering why +the author, after the first few rehearsals, did not slightly alter the +dialect and lay the scene in Ireland. The play is well worth seeing, and +begins at the easy hour of 8·45. There should be _matinées_ of a new +operetta, entitled _The Two Butlers_, characters by J. L. TORNE and +THOMAS THOOLE. + + * * * * * + +CORNET AND PIANO. + +AT A JUVENILE PARTY. + +_Cornet._ Ready? Yes, _I'm_ ready--but I'm not going to begin before I'm +asked. If they want us to strike up, let 'em come and ask us, d'ye see? + +_Piano._ Well, but there are all the children sitting about doing +nothing---- + +_C._ _Let_ 'em sit! They'll see you and me sittin' all the evenin', +strummin' and blowin' like nigger slaves, and a lot they'll care! Don't +you make no mistake, young Pianner, there ain't no sense in doin' more +than you're obliged--you'll get no credit for it, d'ye see? And don't +keep that programme all to yourself. Ah, one Swedish, one Sir Roger, and +a bloomin' Cotilliong--_they_'ll take two hours alone! We shan't work +this job off much before one, you see if we do. (_To Hostess._) Commence +now? By all means, Madam. Send us a little refreshment? Thank you, +Madam, we shall be exceedingly obliged to you. (_The refreshment +arrives._) Here's stuff to put liveliness in us, Mate--_Leminade!_ + +[_Puts jug under piano with intense disgust._ + +_P._ Well, I should think you'd lemon enough in you already. + +_C._ I _'ate_ kids, there--and that's the truth of it! It makes me +downright sick to see 'em dressed out, and giving themselves the airs +and graces of grown-ups. (_To Small Child._) Yes, my little dear, it's a +worltz this time. (_To Pianist._) Strike up, young P. and O! (_A little +later._) I'm blest if I don't believe you're _enjoying_ this, Pianner, +settin' there with that sort of a dreamy grin on your pasty countinance! + +_P._ And if I am, where's the harm of it? + +_C._ It's easy to see you ain't bin at it long, or you wouldn't take +that interest in it. Much they thank you for takin' a interest, these +bloated children of a pampered aristocracy! Why, they don't mind you and +me more than the drugget under their feet. Even gutter kids have got +manners enough to thank the Italian as plays the orgin for 'em to dance +to. Are _we_ ever thanked? I arsk you. + +_P._ The Italian plays for nothing. We don't. + +_C._ There you go, redoocin' everything to coppers. You're arguin' +beside the question, you are. Ever see a well-dressed kid give a orgin a +penny without there was a monkey a-top of it? _I_ never did. If you +chained a monkey to your pianner now, they might condescend to look at +yer now and then--not unless. + +_P._ Well, you can't deny they're a nice-looking set of children here. +Look at that one with the long hair, in the plush--like a little +Princess, she is. + +_C._ And p'raps she ain't aware of it, either! Why, there's that little +sister o' yours, that's got hair just as long, ah, and 'ud look as +pretty too, if she'd a little more colour; but you can't have colour +without capital. It's 'igh-feeding does it all, and money wrung from the +working-classes, like you and me. + +_P._ I don't know what _you_ call yourself. I'm a professional, and see +no shame in it. + +_C._ You can be as purfessional as you please, but you needn't be +poor-spirited. Come on; pound away! Ain't you got a uglier worltz than +that? + +AT SUPPER. + +_C._ I must say I ardly expected this--after the leminade. But you're +eatin' nothin', young Pianner. (_To Servant._) Thank 'ee, my pretty +dear, you may leave that raised pie where it is; and do you think you +could get us another bottle o' Sham, now--for my young friend here? (_To +Pianist._ You needn't think you've made a conquest with that moony mug +of yours. She's only lookin' after you to make _me_ jealous, d'ye see? I +know these minxes' ways, bless you.) + +_P. (with lofty bitterness)._ I've no wish to dispute it with you. + +_C._ Ah, you've had _your_ eye on the governess all the evening. I saw +you! + +_P. (blushing)._ You're talking folly, Cornet, and what's more, you know +it. + +_C._ That's her playin' upstairs now. I know a governess's polker--all +tum-tum and no jump to it. Wouldn't you like to go up and help her, eh? + +_P._ If I _am_ a wretch doomed to misery, it's not for you to remind me +of it, Cornet. It's not a friendly act, I'm blowed if it is! + +_C._ You're a regular Tant--Tarantulus, you know, that's what you are! +You'll be goin' mad on your music-stool--"I saw her dancin' in the +'All"--that sort o' thing, hey? + +_P. (with dignity.)_ It seems to me you've had quite enough of that +Champagne, and we've been down half-an-hour. + +_C._ You don't 'pear to unnerstand that a Cornet's very mush thirstier +instrumen' than a iron-grand out o' tune--but you're a good young +feller--I li' a shentimental young chap. I'm a soft-arted ole fool +myshelf! + +AFTER SUPPER. + +_C. (with emotion.)_ Loo' at that now, ain't that a sight to make a man +o' you? All these brit appy young faces. I could play for 'em all +ni'--blesh their 'arts! Lor, what a rickety chair I'm on, and thish +bloomin' brash inshtrumen's gone and changed ends. Now then, quicken up, +let 'em 'ave it--you are a shulky young chap! + +_P._ It is not sulks but misery. I swear to you, Cornet, that each +hammer I strike vibrates on my own heart-strings! + +_C._ Then you can be innerpennant of a pianner. + +_P._ I am young--but the young have their sorrows, I suppose. Is it +nothing to have to minister to others' gaiety with a bitter pang in +one's own breast? + +_C._ Thash wha' comes o'shtickin' to the leminade! + +A LITTLE LATER. + +_P. (aghast)._ I say, what _are_ you about? You mustn't, you know! + +_C. (smiling dreamily)._ It'sh all ri', dear boy! If a man fines he +can't breathe in 'sh bootsh--on'y loshical coursh 'fore him is to play +in socksh--d'ye see? + +AT PARTING. + +_The Cornet (to hostess, with benignant tenderness.)_ Goori', Madam, +Gobblesh you, I do' min' tellin' you, you've made me and the pianner +here, and ah, 'undreds of young innoshent arts very 'appy, Madam, you +may ta' that from _me_. I hope we've given complete satisfaction, 'm +sure we've had mosht pleasant shupper--I mean pleashant evenin'--_sho_ +glad we came. And you mushn't ta' no notish my young fren, he'sh been +makin' lil too free with the leminade, d'ye see? _Goo_ ri! [_Exit +gracefully, and is picked up at bottom of Staircase by the Pianist._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TOBY'S GREETING.] + + * * * * * + +A NEW YEAR'S CARD. + + _Library, House of Commons, + New Year's Eve._ + + HONOURED SIR, + +I find in the Letter Bag a communication from that eminent statesman +GRANDOLPH. But I think it will keep for a week, and on this New Year's +Eve I will put in the Bag a letter of my own, addressed to him who, take +him for all in all, (as BACON wrote) is the most Eminent Man of the +century. No one, a cynic has said, is a hero to his own valet--meaning, +I suppose, that the closer a man is looked into the less profound his +valley appears. It has been my lot to sit at your feet for close upon +half-a-century, perched upon the pile of volumes which, oddly enough, +never grows an eighth-of-an-inch higher through the revolving years. You +have honoured me with your closest confidence. I have known your inmost +thoughts. I have often seen you, as you are weekly presented to an +admiring public, chuckling with finger to nose and brightened eye over +the inception of a joke, and I have observed you afterwards a little +depressed on reading it in the proof, struck with the conviction that it +was not quite so good as you thought. I am not your valet. But you are +truly my Hero. + +It may be said that I am prejudiced by receipt of personal favours. You +took me literally out of the streets to be your daily companion, and, at +friendly though still humble distance, to consort with the Beauty and +Brilliance that throngs your court. But for you I might years ago have +followed the historic precedent, gone mad to serve my private ends, bit +some unwholesome person and died. But you took me by the paw, lifted me +into your company, placed me on the pedestal of your ever-increasing but +never-swelling bulk of volumes, whence it was an easy matter to step on +to the lower level of the floor of the House of Commons. The prestige of +your name was sufficient to secure for me the suffrages of one of the +most important and one of the most enlightened county constituencies of +this still undivided Empire. + +As I sit here alone in this dimly-lighted chamber there glide along with +silent footfall an interminable procession of familiar faces and figures +that have passed through this room since I first took the oath and my +seat for Barkshire. DIZZY walks past, looking neither to the right nor +to the left, but conveying to the mind of the onlooker a curious +impression that he sees all round; and here comes kindly STAFFORD +NORTHCOTE and burly BERESFORD-HOPE, and TOM COLLINS, with the faded +umbrella he used to bring down through all the summer nights and +solemnly commit to the personal charge of the doorkeeper. And there goes +dear ISAAC BUTT, wringing his hands because of Major O'GORMAN'S revolt, +and W. P. ADAM, disappointed after his long fight which ended with +victory for his Party and something like a snub for himself. Here is +NEWDEGATE frowning at the scarlet drapery of a reading lamp; and behind +him, WHALLEY, wondering whether he was really in earnest when he +denounced him before the House of Commons as "a Jesuit in disguise." +Here, too, poor Lord HENRY LENNOX with his trousers turned up, and Sir +THOMAS MAY with a Peerage looming within hand's reach, and Captain +GOSSET steering his shapely legs towards his room to drink Apollinaris +and read up Hansard. All, all are gone, the old familiar faces, and the +New Year, which the bell-ringers are waiting to welcome in, is nothing +to them. Over there in the corner are the two chairs on which the form +of JOSEPH GILLIS reclined on the first all-night sitting that ever was, +when, the thing being fresh to Members, they were eager to stop up all +night, to walk round the recumbent form, dropping pokers and heavy +volumes with innocent attempt to disturb the slumberer. But JOSEPH +GILLIS slept, or seemed to sleep. He was giving the Saxon trouble, and +was not greatly inconvenienced himself. + +I have taken down from the shelves two volumes among the most recent and +most prized addition to our Library, and, turning over the leaves, come +upon fresh testimony to my Honoured Sir's prescience. Turning over _John +Leech's Pictures of Life and Character_, garnered from the Collection of +_Mr. Punch_, I find under date twenty-five years back, women of all +degrees presented under cover of monstrous hoops. Everybody wore +crinoline in those days. It was the thing, the only possible thing, and +the average human mind could not grasp the idea of there being any other +way of arraying the female form. But the prophetic eye of one of the +most brilliant of _Mr. Punch's_ Young Men peered into the future and +beheld what was to come.[1] In the very midst of delineations of these +everyday monstrosities, fearful in the drawing-room, grotesquely +exaggerated in the kitchen, JOHN LEECH flashed forth a view of the +future. There are three sketches of girls, two in the eelskin dress that +marked the rebound from the hideous tyranny of crinoline, and the third +showing a style of dress that might have been sketched to-day in Bond +Street, not forgetting the upper rearward segment of the crinoline which +survives at this day to hint what has been. _Ex pede Herculem._ It +seemed at the date a monstrous idea, a nightmare fancy, peradventure a +joke. But _Mr. Punch's_ calm eye pierced the veil of the future, and +saw then, as he has always seen, what was to be. + +[Footnote 1: There is a later example of this gift in the date of +another Young Man's letter.--ED.] + +This, Sir, is only a solitary instance of your prescience cited in +accidentally turning over the collected pages that seem so familiar and +are still so fresh. I could quote indefinitely as I turn over the +leaves. But time is shorter than usual this evening. There is less than +an hour left of 1877. The procession I spoke of just now has passed out +and closed the doors. Under brighter and more inspiriting auspices comes +another group. May I present them to my honoured Master? EIGHTEEN +EIGHTY-EIGHT this is _Mr. Punch_ of whom you may have heard. _Mr. +Punch_, this is EIGHTEEN EIGTHY-EIGHT of whom I expect you will hear a +good deal. And here, happier in his possessions than _King Lear_, are +his four daughters--Spring, Summer, Autumn, and Winter. They come to +wish you a Happy New Year in which no one joins so heartily as your +humble friend and servitor, + + TOBY, M.P. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHAT OUR ARTIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH. + +_Friendly Critic._ "HUMPH! A LITTLE _WOOLLY_ IN TEXTURE, ISN'T IT? OF +COURSE I DON'T MEAN THE _SHEEP_!"] + + * * * * * + +FROM A COUNTRY COUSIN. + +MY DEAR MR. PUNCH, + +I thank you for your advice. You were right when you told me to go and +see Mrs. BERNARD BEERE in _As in a Looking Glass_. Indeed, she does hold +the mirror up to "nature,"--which is in this instance what ZOLA calls +_la bête humaine_,--and in it is reflected the worn face, so weary of +wickedness and so hopeless of the future, of _Lena Despard_. The moral +of the story--for moral there is--is never out of date. If we can ever +retrace any of our steps in life, which I doubt, there are at all events +some false steps that never can be retraced. Our deeds become part and +parcel of ourselves, and we can no more rid ourselves of them than we +can jump off our shadows. + + "Our deeds our angels are, or good or ill; + Our fatal shadows that walk with us still." + +And yet _la bête humaine_, has not quite killed the soul of this +adventuress, for she is still capable of a real love, and of proving its +reality by an awful self-sacrifice. This is not a Christmas spirit, is +it? But you see I went before Christmas, and having done with tragedy, I +am looking forward to pantomimical stuff and nonsense. I had not read +the novel,--_you_ have, but considerately refrained from telling me the +plot,--so I enjoyed the performance without my memory compelling me to +compare it, for better or worse, with the original story. + +I have never seen Mrs. BEERE play anything before this, nor have I seen +SARAH BERNHARDT, who, as you tell me, was in other pieces this lady's +model. A London Cousin of mine, who is a theatre-goer, and knows several +of the leading actors and actresses "at home," tells me that in this +piece the individuality of the actress is completely merged in the part, +and that it is only when she is saying something very cynical, that he +was reminded by a mannerism peculiar to this actress how bitter this +BEERE could be on occasion. It is a pity her name is BEERE, because when +I asked my cousin (do you know him--JOSEPH MILLER?) if, off the stage, +this lady was really thin and tall, he replied, "Yes--Mrs. BEERE was +never stout, and was never a half-and-half sort of actress." + +And then, when I pressed him for serious answer, he said, "Well, she's +_Lena_ on the stage, as you see." What is one to do with a joker like +this, except go with him to a Pantomime, Burlesque, or Circus? + + Yours, LITTLE PETERKIN. + +P.S.--The Opéra Comique is not the Theatre for a _tragédienne_. Joe +says, "Yes it is--for Mrs. BEERE, because of the 'Op in it." + + * * * * * + +"DE DEUX SHOWS, UNE." + +On Thursday night, Mr. WILSON BARRETT, brought out a new piece at the +Globe, and in Leicester Square, the Empire Variety Show was inaugurated. +The good-natured "Visible Prince," who is always ready to encourage Art +in any form, and willing to "open" anything from a Cathedral to an +Oyster, was present at this _première_ of the New Music Hall. Poor W. B! +"How long! How long!" By the way, it may be necessary to explain to some +simple persons, that _The Empire_ has nothing whatever to do with The +Imperial Institute. + + * * * * * + +A Christmas Tip. + +"Tally ho! Yoicks, over there!" Which being translated, means go and see +the Sporting "Illustrations" at GERMAN REED'S--not "German" at all, for +you must always take this title _cum corney grano_, but "So English, you +know." And CORNEY GRAIN'S song afterwards, that marvellous duet between +Corney and Piano,--excellent! + + * * * * * + +There is now an Examination for everything. A man can't even become a +Bankrupt without passing an examination. Very hard this. + + * * * * * + +SOMETHING TO SWALLOW.--TOM TOPER says, "SHAKSPEARE'S plays were written +partly by SHAKSPEARE and partly by BACON. It was a 'split B. & S.'" + + * * * * * + +THE RECENT PRIZE-FIGHT.--What the French thought of it: an In-Seine +proceeding. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration] + +I have just come across something on Modern Wiggism in the shape of an +amusing advertising book on the Wigs supplied to leading actors by the +theatrical perruquier FOX. "Nothing like leather," said the tanner; and +judging from the collection of illustrations and notices, it is, in Mr. +FOX'S opinion, more what is outside the head than what is in it, that +insures success on the Stage. The perruquier makes the wig, and the wig +makes the actor. There are portraits of various theatrical celebrities, +including one or two of Mr. TOOLE, in various wigs, whose presentments +in these pages may entitle the work to be called FOX'S _Book of +Martyrs_--willing martyrs, of course, and many of them after they've +strutted and fretted for several hours on the stage, quite ready to go +cheerfully to "The Steak." + +Mr. FREDERICK BARNARD'S CHARACTER SKETCHES FROM DICKENS have been +republished. They are the work of a true artist; but he should have left +_Mr. Pickwick_ alone. Who cares for an artistic _Mr. Pickwick?_ No; let +him ever remain the burlesque eccentricity invented by Mr. SEYMOUR, and +founded on DICKENS'S creation. But Mr. BARNARD'S _Mrs. Gamp_ and _Bill +Sikes_ are both quite truly Dickensonian. + + BARON DE BOOK WORMS. + + * * * * * + +NUGGETS IN NORTH WALES. + + There is legends, and traditions told, and narratives, and tales, + Of wealth in mountain crannies, caves, and cells of ancient Wales. + The dens of dwarves and fairies, sprites and goblins, imps and elves, + Where they, like misers, look you, kept their treasures to themselves. + + A cockatrice, a griffin, or a wivern watched the hoard, + In the coffers of the crystal rocks, and stone-strong chambers stored, + Breathed fire and flames, and ramped and raved in form to tear and rend, + And scratch and bite, and sting with tail, barbed arrow-like on end. + + The lions and the eagles and the snakes together linked, + The cockatrices, wiverns, and their tribes is all extinct. + No dragons could PENDRAGON, if alive yet, find to slay, + And the dwarves, and fays, and fairies all alike have gone away. + + Now GRIFFITHS is the Safe Man, and a griffin guards no more + The secret riches of the rocks--they lie concealed in ore; + The lodes and veins, and minerals, there's quantities untold + In the quarries and the crystals, and the quartzes, full of gold. + + It is an El Dorado, found in Mawddach's happy vale; + It is Mr. PRITCHARD MORGAN'S, look you, no romancer's tale. + And mines besides Gwmfynydd mine 'tis like there's them that owns; + Peradventure Mr. JENKINS, Mr. EVANS, Mr. JONES. + + North Wales will be a Golden Chersonesus, though the phrase + Is a little solecisms, indeed, suppose quartz-crushing pays. + And, moreover, in Welsh diggings what if nuggets there be found, + As large as leeks, and weighing from a scruple to a pound? + + A Golden Age in Wales, look you, there's goodly ground to hope, + And a theme of song besides to give the Bards unbounded scope, + And prizes at Eistedfoddau for poetry and odes, + On the find of gold in the quartzes and the metal-veins and lodes. + + * * * * * + +SOCIAL ROMANCE. + +_A "Fragment," extracted from the "Dim and Distant Future," as +imagined by Mr. Frederic Harrison._ + +It was a delightful summer evening, and East London was looking +its brightest. The eight hours of daily toil were over, and the crowds +of cheery-voiced and happy-faced working people were returning in +merry groups to their respective homes, scattered here and there +amid the splendid Co-operative Palaces that reared their decorated +fronts to meet the last golden glories of the setting sun, and break +the soft progress of the gentle evening breeze laden with the sweet +scents of the myriad flowers blooming freshly amid the verdant +_parterres_ and winding woodland walks by which they were divided +and surrounded. Here a rippling fountain made silvery music in +the air, while yonder the noisy brooklet could be traced cleaving +its headlong way to the lovely Thames flowing seaward tranquilly +beneath, its translucent surface being broken now and again only by +the leap from an occasional seventy-pound salmon revelling for very +joy in the highly hygienic quantity of the pure and crystal water in +which he was existing. Above was the faultless deep-blue glory +of an Italian sky. Beneath rare forest trees, amidst which the +graceful oleander and wild tamarisk flourished with all their native +strength, produced a grateful shade. So sparkling and smokeless +was the pervading atmosphere that merely to inhale it was a physical +pleasure. Sanitary and social science had indeed worked their +wonders here. East London had become to all those who dwelt amid +its fairy labyrinths a veritable earthly Paradise. And as he cast his +shapely but workmanlike frame with an elegant ease on to one of +the hundred comfortable lounges that at intervals fringed its green +swards throughout their entire length and breadth, no one in the full +flush of this glorious summer evening appreciated the fact more +keenly than did JEREMIAH HALFINCH. + +"Ah! this is delicious!" he cried, with enthusiasm; "just a few +moments' rest here to solve this problem, and then--_pour me rendre +chez moi!_" He spoke with all the easy grace and perfect _ton_ of a +West-End _raconteur_, and as he opened his basket of tools and produced +from it a translation of a new work on German Philosophy, in +the pages of which he was speedily engrossed, it was impossible not +to be struck by his general appearance. His frame was that of an +Herculean Apollo, while his head, with its finely-chiselled features +and long tawny moustache, nobly set upon his shoulders, might have +belonged to a Captain in the Guards. There was in his eyes something +of the look of an intelligent Chief Justice, and whenever he +moved it was with all the commanding dignity of a Lord Mayor. +In short, it needed only a glance at JEREMIAH HALFINCH to set him +down for what he was,--a fair specimen of the average type of the +working-man of the day. + +He was not, however, destined to be long in solving his philosophical +problem, a light step on the gravel-path caught his ear. He looked up. +"Ah! Miss BETSY JANE," he said, rising with a courtly grace as his eye +rested on the trim neatly dressed form of a girl of nineteen; "so you, +too, are enjoying the Elysian fragrance of this lovely evening?" + +The fair girl blushed slightly. She was very lovely. Her golden hair +crowned her beautifully shaped brow in broad deep bands. Her mouth had +that indescribable sweetness that is often met with in those in whom a +marvellously active intelligence is united to a strongly poetic +temperament. Her eyes were like two exquisite saucers of liquid blue, +from whose sapphire depths light and laughter seemed to sparkle up +unbidden with every variation of her mobile and ever changing +countenance. Yet she was only a poor work-girl making her £2 16_s._ +6_d._ a week, under the new scale of prices, by button-holeing. + +"I am enjoying the evening, for who would not, Mr. HALFINCH?" she +answered, half demurely, with a pretty pout, "but I have just come from +my Hydrostatic Class, and was thinking of looking in at the Opera on my +way home. They are doing "_Tristan und Isolde_," and a little _Wagner_ +is such a pleasant close to the day. Do not you think so?" + +"Indeed I do," he answered eagerly, "and I will accompany you--that is, +if I may," he added, apologetically. + +"If you _may_!" was the arch reply. In another minute they were +strolling leisurely along, side by side, towards the "Great Square of +Recreation," that was already scintillating in the distance, lit up with +the electric light as with the full blaze of day. As they were emerging +from the garden-path, they passed a small child. She was carrying a +little stone funereal urn, and she nodded to them. They stopped for a +moment. + +"Why, POLLY, dear, what have you got there?" asked BETSY JANE, stooping +down to kiss the child. + +"Oh! it's only Great Grandmother," went on the little speaker, volubly. +"I'm fetching her from the _Crematorium_. She was only _ashed_ +yesterday, you know, and father says he would like to have her on the +parlour chimney-piece as soon as possible; and so I am bringing her +home." + +"Well, my little woman," threw out HALFINCH, kindly. "Take care you +don't drop your Great Grandmother, that's all." + +"Oh no! I can carry her well enough," was the prompt response; and +little POLLY was soon bounding away across the grass merrily, with her +ancestral burthen. + + * * * * * + +BETSY JANE and JEREMIAH HALFINCH had presented their passes at the door +of the Opera House, listened to an Act of WAGNER'S incomparable music, +and were now once more coming homewards. Their conversation had had a +wide range, touching at one moment on the Norse _Saga_, and at another +on the Binomial Theorem; now on the Philosophy of EPICTETUS, and now on +the latest speculations as to the basis of Nebular Matter. They were +deeply interested in their talk, and it was not till they were suddenly +arrested in their progress that they became aware that their path was +stopped by a Policeman who was kindly stooping over a little child who +was crying over something she had dropped. + +"Oh! it is little POLLY; and she has let her Great Grandmother fall!" +cried BETSY JANE, much concerned. + +"Yes, and I have spilled her; and father will be so cross!" added the +child in tears, pointing to the broken vase and to some white ash that +laid upon the gravel path. + +"Never mind, my little woman, we will soon make it all right," answered +HALFINCH, at the same time taking an evening paper from his pocket, and +carefully collecting the broken fragments of the vase and its contents, +and making them up into a neat parcel. "There," he added, "he'll have to +get a new vase. But you may tell your father I think he'll find his +Grandmother all there. So wipe your eyes and get home as fast as you +can." + + * * * * * + +They watched the figure of the receding child. + +"You don't have much work down this way nowadays?" inquired HALFINCH +amiably of the Policeman. + +"Much work! Why, bless you, Sir, beyond occasionally running in an +Unemployed Sweater, we have none at all." + +"Well, good night, Miss BETSY JANE," said HALFINCH. + +"Good night, Mr. HALFINCH," responded the lovely girl. + +Then they each turned to their brilliantly-lighted Co-operative Palace +homes. Silence soon fell upon the scene. Another happy East-End day had +come to its luxurious close. + + * * * * * + +NEW YEAR MEMS. + +_Lord S-l-sb-ry._ Smother HOWARD VINCENT & CO.--at least in public. Give +private tip to HARTINGTON, BRIGHT, and GOSCHEN, to get me talked about +as a "second COBDEN." + +_Mr. W. E. Gl-dst-ne._ _Mem._--Feel a little "chippy" this morning. Go +out axing. Send New Year's Card to DOPPING. Forgive and Forget. Write +fewer letters, make fewer speeches, avoid railway station oratory; +CH-MB-RL-N'S imitating me there. Shall have him next taking to chopping +trees in Prince's Gardens. _Mem._--Return to use of post-cards; shall +also give up writing magazine-articles and devote myself more to +commercial pursuits; there's a good deal to be done in chips if one +gives his mind to it. Why not leave Hawarden and reside at Chipping +Norton? + +_Mr. B-lf-r._ Gingerly manipulate the "Crimes Act" across the Channel +for the next few weeks. _Mem._--Parliament opens Feb. 9th. Be careful +what I say or write about anybody. Consult Solicitor. + +[Illustration: Special.] + +_C. S. P-rn-ll._ Change my name and address next year, call myself +B-CKLE of the _Times._ + +_Mr. Ch-mb-rl-n._ Retire from "Fisheries'" as gracefully and as +soon as possible. As J-SSE C-LL-NGS would say, "Hook it." CODLING'S +the man. + +_The Lord Ch-f J-st-ce of Engl-nd._ Shall begin New Year by +leaving off voice lozenges, or may be called a "Sucking Ch-f +J-st-ce." Shouldn't like this, and I know of one worldly journalist +who wouldn't hesitate to write it. + +_The Right Hon. J. G. G-sch-n, M.P._ Think I shall go back to +the Liberal Party for a year at least; have tried them all round; find +the last rather worse than others. R-ND-LPH says I should by this +time be an authority on the principle of the "Theory of Exchanges." + +_Sir W-ll-m H-rc-rt, M.P._ Shall begin to get up every morning +at seven during recess, and go out for walk in glades of New Forest +before breakfast. Find it a capital place to think out _impromptus_ +for my speeches. + +_Monsignor P-rs-co._ _Mem._--Keep myself to myself, and don't say +nothing to nobody. + +_Archbishop Cr-ke._ Ask THOS. O'DW-ER of Limerick to dinner. +Cut National League on first opportunity. + +_Archbishop B-ns-n._ Study the Calendar of State Papers, time of +HENRY THE EIGHTH, carefully. Get portrait of myself done in full +canonicals, with the two acolytes in scarlet skull-caps and cassocks, +as we appeared at Truro. Pretty subject: great scope for artist. + +_Bishop of L-nd-n._ "Oblige B-NS-N." Ask ST-W-RT H-DL-M to +take me to the Alhambra. Try and get a copy of that now extinct +work, _Essays and Reviews_. + +_Lord D-nr-v-n._ Must find out what I really mean by "Fair +Trade." Write to _Notes and Queries_, and see if I can't get a +definition somehow. + +_Mr. O'Br-n._ Continue to pose as the "Martyr of Tullamore." +Meantime, endeavour to get supplied with still more fashionable +clothes. Why not a cheque suit, from America? + +_Cardinal M-nn-ng._ Do something of everything. _Mem._--Buy +new Filter. + +_The L-rd Ch-nc-ll-r._ Must really show some reason for my being +in this exalted position. Find comfortable quarters for a few of my +nephews, cousins, and sons-in-law who are still among "the +Unemployed." + +_The Right Hon. J-hn Br-ght, M.P._ _Mem._--J-HN BR-GHT, Always +right. Politeness costs nothing. Get someone to give me a short +manual of this almost-lost art, like prize-fighting. The latter being +revived. Practise both. + +_Mr. C. V-ll-rs St-nf-rd._ Inaugurate my Professorship in style. +Get to work, and show 'em I'm the best man to turn out a genuinely +successful first-class English Opera. + +_Professor H-xl-y._ Study SP-RG-N'S Sermons for jokes and style, +and read some theology, with a view to carrying out the great +object of my life--smashing W. S. L-LLY. + +_Mr. W. S. L-lly._ Write more _Chapters of History_. Devote five +minutes, one day when I have the leisure, to smashing H-XL-Y. + +_Mr. Justice St-ph-n._ Read up everything. After doing this, at +last give my attention to the study of law. _Mem._--Who was "The +_Master of the Sentences_?" Must get his work, and revise some of +my own. + +_Sir F. L-ght-n, P.R.A._ Commence getting up Academy Speech +for opening day. _Mem._--Read _Lemprière's Classical Dictionary_ +for subject for big R.A. picture. + +_Sir J. E. M-ll-s, R.A._ Knock off a few pictures for Illustrated +papers of Christmas, 1888. Any model with fair hair will do. +Write to P-RS' S--p people. + +_W. P. Fr-th, R.A._ Write more Recollections. _Note._--Wish +I'd taken to this sort of thing earlier in life. + +_Mr. L-b-ch-re, M.P._ Must get rid of BR-DL-GH; always been +rather a drag on me. Try and hit on some other popular notion as +good as _Truth's_ Christmas Toys. Keep Eye on "EDMUND." + +_Mr. Edm-nd Y-t-s._ Write more Recollections and Experiences. +Call them _Moi-Mêmeries_. Keep eye on "HENRY." + +_Mr. J. L. T-le._ Spend all my spare time in arranging jokes for +speeches. Note them down every morning when shaving. Send +an occasional letter to friend IRV-NG. + +_H. Irv-ng._ Refuse title if offered. Tell friend T-LE to do the same. + +_Mr. J. L. S-ll-v-n (Pugilist)._ Challenge somebody. "Excuse +my glove." + +_Mr. J. Sm-th (Pugilist)._ Challenge S-LL-V-N, and fight him. + +_Sir A. S-ll-v-n (Composer)._ Leave Society to the other S-LL-V-N. +Have had enough of it. Get back to my music. Give up G-LB-RT +as soon as possible. + +_Mr. W. S. G-lb-rt._ Hang music. Write something or other +without it. As soon as possible, give up S-LL-V-N. Also dispense +with GR-SSM-TH. + +_F. L-ckw-d, Q.C., M.P._ Renounce Law and Politics. Draw for _Punch_. +Ask H. F-RN-SS to give me a few lessons. + +_Right Hon. D-vid R. Pl-nk-t, M.P._ Take a walk about London every +morning _at least_, with view to rivalling _Sam Weller_ in extent, if +not peculiarity, of my knowledge of this "Vast Metrolopus." + +_Mrs. B-rn-rd B-re._ Look after the acting rights of _La Tosca_. Get as +good a play (if I can) as _As in the Looking-glass_, from the author of +the novel. Go to Paris, and see dear SARAH. Find a better theatre than +the Opéra Comique. + +_Mr. S-ntl-y._ Learn "_The Vicar of Bray_," and "_Father O'Flynn_," as I +have not added many new songs of late years to my _répertoire_. + +_Mr. S-ms R-v-s._ Keep all my notes for my Autobiography. What title? +_Apologia?_ + +_M-d-me P-tti._ Have "_Home, Sweet Home_," translated into foreign +languages, to give it an air of novelty. Leave Wales to the Welshers. + +_Mr. A-g-st-s H-rr-s._ Commence Pantomime for 1888-89. Entertain +everybody. Send Life Pass for the Queen's Box, to the Assistant +Architect of the Metropolitan Board of Works. Must be presented at Court +this year. Should look well in Court suit. + +_Dr. R-bs-n R-se._ Must invent something new in the diet line for New +Year; shall cut off claret and hot water and their dry toast. _Mem._--To +write article in _F-rtn-ghtly_ on "The Here and There of London Life," +and point out the absolute necessity of consulting me on every subject. +Recommend (as something novel), taking soup after cheese. This advice +ought to increase my practice considerably. + +_The Rev. Dr. P-rk-r._ Shall stay at home; at least, won't go again to +United States; too vast. + +_Mr. B-s-nt._ Keep my name well before the public. Think New Novel, _All +Sorts of Mortiboys_, by Sir W-LT-R B-S-NT, Bart., would have good effect +with publishers. Get W-LS-N B-RR-TT to dramatise with me, of course. +Shall ask him not to act in it. Off to Africa, to get away from "London +blacks." + +_Mr. N-rm-n L-cky-r._ Write _Magnum Opus_, on the action of Snowballs in +Space. + +_Sir M-r-ll M-ck-nz-e._ Make careful study of the peculiar diseases +incident to "Rumour's lying throat"--especially in Germany. + +_Ch-rm-n of M-ddl-s-x M-g-str-t-s._ Attend some Metropolitan +Music Hall every night of my life. + +_Ed-t-r of P. M. G._ Get Stead-ier every day. + +_Mr. Punch._ To wish a Happy New Year to everybody generally. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE PENNY READING. + +(ANNALS OF A QUIET NEIGHBOURHOOD.) + +_Distinguished Amateur Vocalist (both Serious and Comic)._ "I CAN'T SAY +YOU HAVE A VERY APPRECIATIVE PUBLIC UP HERE! I NEVER SANG '_VILIKINS AND +HIS DINAH_' BETTER--BUT NOBODY LAUGHED A BIT!" + +_Horrid Boy._ "OH, BUT THEY DID WHEN YOU SANG '_THE DEATH OF NELSON_.' I +SAW THEM!"] + + * * * * * + +THE INFANT PHENOMENON. + + What will he play? Oh! young New Year, + Precocious power and baby skill + To Music's zealots are strangely dear; + The tiny fingers that thump and trill, + That sweep the keyboard with splendid speed, + Like rattling rain-drops, or fairy-feet, + Are sure of flattery's fullest meed, + And praise is sweet. + + An early _début_, my little man! + The dimpled digits you swiftly spread + The sounding octaves can scarcely span, + The pedals hardly your toes can tread. + Yet here you are, and the public ear + Is all agog for the opening chords, + With breathless mingling of hope and fear, + Too deep for words. + + The Future's Music before you stands, + Time at your elbow is prompt to turn. + 'Twill tax the force of your infant hands, + Prodigies even have much to learn. + MOZART, or HOFFMANN, or LISZT, of course, + You may turn out in your own new line; + May give us freshly the fire and force + Of RUBINSTEIN. + + The hour, young Hopeful, seems something scant + In present promise of Harmony; + Our leading music is militant. + Touch us a stave in a cheerful key! + We have abundance of crash and blare, + Drums and trumpets make angry noise; + Most of us long for a Lydian air, + O, best of boys! + + Something Arcadian, manly-sweet, + Blending notes of the lyre and flute; + Pastoral Symphony gaily fleet, + Moaning chords in the minor mute. + Something stirring to lift the heart, + Something merry to move the toes; + Melody pure with a mirthful start + And a moving close. + + Charges, marches, bugle-blasts, + Clarion-calls to the onset, tire; + Martial music a sadness casts, + Too long blown, e'en on hearts of fire. + Still the trumpet, and drop the drum! + Bid the fife for a moment cease! + Boy, we'll bless you if you'll but strum + The notes of Peace. + + Wagner-worry of key and string + Has its power, and holds its place; + Touch to-day, boy, the chords that sing + Of love and gladness, of mirth and grace. + The future's Music you fain must play? + True! Yet turn ere a chord is struck. + A bumper, boy, to a brighter day! + Here's health and luck! + + * * * * * + +UNCOMMON. + +Mr. PUNCH lately learned to his extreme astonishment and delight that he +is one of the independent Electors of the Ward of Farringdon Without. He +gathered this important information from the receipt of a highly +illustrated card from one of the numerous candidates to represent him in +that illustrious body the Court of Common Council, during the coming +year, soliciting the honour of his vote and interest. + +The Candidate in question described at length his various qualifications +for the office he sought. He kindly informed _Mr. Punch_ that he was a +Citizen, a Loriner--whatever that mysterious occupation may mean--and a +People's Caterer, and any doubt that might have been entertained with +regard to the especial business for, which he catered was at once +removed by the perusal of the last line of his canvassing card, which, +after kindly informing Mr. Punch that he had no less than sixteen votes +at his disposal, finished with the remarkable request, "Kindly PLUMP for +your Little SAUSAGE MAKER!" + +Naturally wondering why a little Sausage Maker should be considered as +so peculiarly eligible for the office of Common Councilman, that every +elector should plump for him, _Mr. Punch_ again examined the mysterious +card, and found on its back a graphic representation of a race for the +"Pork Sausage Derby," showing the Candidate, mounted on a decidedly +thoroughbred Pig, coming in an easy winner with the rest nowhere, amid +the chorus of the surrounding multitude. + +Doubting whether a Large Tripe Dresser, or a Middle-sized Mutton-Pieman, +would not have equal claims upon his Plumper to that of a Little Sausage +Maker, _Mr. Punch_ decided to take no part in the Election for Common +Councilmen until the real meaning of the word "Common" is better +understood than it evidently is at present by some aspirants to the +Office in question. + +[Illustration: THE INFANT PHENOMENON. + +LITTLE 1888. "WHAT SHALL I PLAY?" + +FATHER TIME. "THE 'MUSIC OF THE FUTURE,' MY DEAR, OF COURSE"!!!] + + * * * * * + +DOLL-CE DOMUM. + +One of the prettiest and most seasonable sights we have seen for a long +while was the display of toys collected by the proprietor of _Truth_ +from the readers of that entertaining periodical, exhibited in Willis's +Rooms before distribution amongst the children of our hospitals and +work-houses. The dolls (there were thousands and thousands of them) +seemed to be bidding the fashionable world adieu before entering, like +so many Sisters of Mercy, upon a mission of tender charity to the sick +poor. There was a private view on Sunday, a week before Christmas Day, +and those who examined the treasures revealing the glories of Regent +Street and the Lowther Arcade, could not help thinking "Mr. _Labouchere_ +must have a heart as good as his head, and be a very kind man _au +fond_." We wonder whether that confirmed cynic, the proprietor of +_Truth_, would make the same admission? + + * * * * * + +The reasons given in the correspondence published in the _Times_ of last +Thursday for discharging Mr. HIGHTON from his offices in connection with +the Westminster Play seem to us inadequate. Instead of his work tending +to lower the tone of the performance, surely its effect would obviously +be to Highton it. + + * * * * * + +Of course SMITH and KILRAIN passed their Boxing-Day together. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "TO PUT IT BROADLY." + +_Improvised Butler (to Distinguished Guest)._ "WILL YE TAKE ANNY MORE +DRINK, SOR?"] + + * * * * * + +ROBERT ON THE FRENCH TUNG. + +[Illustration] + +I begins to feel as how the older one gits the more a little bother +seems to worry him. There was a time when I could look bothers in the +face with the same carm look as I lissens to a gent when he tries to +perswade me as how as that port isn't '47 Port, but them times is gorn +I'm afeard, never to return. + +My present bother came upon me amost like a moderate size thunderbolt, +and was summut in this way. The Manager of one of my best Hotels took me +into his privet room, one day larst week, and had sum werry sollem tork +with me. He was werry kind, and werry considerate, but he was also werry +furm, and what he said was summut like this:-- + +"You see, ROBERT," said he, "things is a changing in Hotels as is amost +all other things, and all things as is jest a leetle old fashoned and a +leetle rusty, as it were, must be jest pollished up a bit, and made a +little fresher like. Now take our Hotel, for xample. See what lots of +forren gents comes and stays here, and many on 'em so orful ignorant +that they carnt not hardly speak a word of Inglish! Well, if they arsks +one of our Hed Waiters a plain common question in French, which they all +on 'em seems to know how to tork, they natrally expecs a anser. Now, +what French do you know?" + +I confess I was so taken aback at the suddenness of the question, that I +was amost speechless. But I pulled myself together, like a man and a Hed +Waiter, and said, "Not werry much, Sir, but when I was in Brussels two +years ago, witch, I bleeves is sumwheres in France, I lernt jest a few +words from the gassons at the Flarnders Hotel, witch I have treasured up +in fond memory, and may find usefool sumtimes." "Oh," said he, "I didn't +know you had travelled, so perhaps you will be able to manage." + +I didn't think it worth while to tell him that I had only been in +Brussells two days, and that it rained all the time, as I was told it +amost always does there, hence so many Brussells Sprouts, but I at wunce +made up my mind to strike up a closer acquaintence with one of our yung +French Waiters to himprove myself in his tung, and himprove him in ours. +And I'm getting on quite wunderfool. Why, ony yesterday a forren gent +said to me, "Encore de Pulley, Gasson!" to which I at wunce replied, "Be +hanged! Mossoo," and took him some. I was a good deal emused at his +calling me a boy, but my young French friend told me as it was only +their way, and didn't mean no offense, so I forguv him. But wot a +langwidge! to encore a biled chicking as if it was a comick song! Of +course I sumtimes makes mistakes, who woodn't? Last Munday, for +instance, a forrener asked me for some raisins, and of course I took him +some and some armonds with 'em, but he larfed quite artily, and kindly +sed, "I sink as you calls 'em grapes," but wot ignorance, not to know +one from the other! + +I find too, werry much to my discumfort and worry, that I am xpected to +bussel about jest as if I was the mere boy as the French gents calls me, +witch is of coarse so werry different to what I have for so many years +bin akustomed to in the dear, old, quiet, respecktable City, that I +sumtimes wunders whether I shall be able to stand it for long. Another +thing too as I misses terribly, is the hutter habsence of Toastes. No +loyal Toastes, nor no Army and Navy and Wolluntears, and no blushing +Churchman's helth, nor no Lord Mayor's helth, but dreckly as they've dun +their dinner away they goes to the Play or some such frivolus emusement, +insted of setting for ours and ours over their wine, and lissening +with rapshure to the long speaches, as full of wit as they is of +wisdom, which has made us what we are, the sollemest, and the most +respectablest, and the most diningoutest peeple in Urope, and the best +frends to the pore hardworking Waiters of any other nation. + +What a glorious free-drinking race we must have bin in days gone by! How +one's respect rises up when one hears of a digneterry of the Church who +lived to the green old age of 80, becoz he always drunk a bottle of old +port every day of his life from his youth upwards. How artily I wish I +coud afford to foller his brillyant xampel! and so gain the profound +admiration of my fellow men, as he did. Why, to such a man his dinner +must have bin to him the one great object of his life, as it ort to be +to every reel Gentleman. My son WILLIAM, who is a good calculator, tells +me that this trewly reverend Diwine must have drunk a hole Pipe of Port +ewery two years of his life! What a time of it his rewerend Butler must +have had! ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +SWIVELLERIANISM. + +From the Police Reports we have discovered that there is a Society +called "The Social Trumps." What a Swivellerian title! The dispute which +made these trumps Police Court Cards turned on a question of money, and +the Magistrate, Mr. LUSHINGTON (could there have been a more +significantly appropriate name for a justice having to decide a +Swivellerian case?) recommended the Social Trumps to settle their little +difficulty amicably among themselves. We hope the Trumps went and had a +jolly blow out together, enlivened with songs about "The Rosy" and +"Glorious Apollo," and sentiments to the effect that none of them "might +ever want a friend or a bottle to give him." The "Social Trumps" must be +enjoying their Christmas festivities. Their Christmas, of course, is The +King of Trumps. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: INTERIORS AND EXTERIORS. No. 56. + +MR. PUNCH'S NEW YEAR'S DAY RECEPTION.] + + * * * * * + +CHRISTMAS CRIMES. + +(_Dedicated to the unfortunate Concocters of Sensational Leading +Articles._) + +"A merry Christmas! And why not a Merry Christmas, we should like to be +informed? Is it not far better to be joyous and mirthful than to be----" +(&c. Supply vigorous epithets here). "A black-souled tyrant like CÆSAR +BORGIA could, no doubt, spend his Yule-tide in----" (&c., &c. Invent +some revolting anecdote about CÆSAR B.) "Yet even those insufficiently +clad progenitors of ours, the ancient Druids, seem to have understood as +though by instinct the solemn nature of the season which to-day ushers +in, and in what Mr. FREEMAN----" (or was it Lord TENNYSON? Never +mind--chance it!)--"calls the 'dateless dawn of history,' they first +employed the mistletoe bough for ritual, and perhaps even for osculatory, +purposes, and habitually gave themselves an extra coat of paint on the +25th of each recurrent December. And who can blame them?" (Recollect +that interrogatories, addressed to nobody in particular, add force to a +style.) "What though our modern Yule-tide ceremonies are a mere survival +of----" (Here bring in anything you know about the Roman Saturnalia, say +something pretty about holly being Scandinavian, and that "Waits" were +quite common in Athens in SOPHOCLES' time, especially on the stage. Then +go on triumphantly and truculently, as if you had proved your point down +to the ground)--"What difference does it make? It is the great holiday +of the Winter----" (This will be a novel idea to most of your readers.) +"For the children, who gather round the cheerful fire, and listen to the +ghost-story invented by some eloquently mendacious uncle, the season +positively sparkles and scintillates with happiness." + +"How exquisitely pleasant it is to hear the childish voices," &c., &c. +(to any amount). + +"Even for the elders, too, there is a mirth and joy about the Sacred +Season, as they calmly retire to their beds just when the row +down-stairs is becoming unbearable, and locking their doors, look +carefully round the room to see that the jug is filled in readiness for +the midnight serenaders of this blissful time. + +"When DICKENS drew his immortal picture of----" (&c., &c. Here gush at +length about _Gabriel Grubb_, _Tiny Tim_, and anybody suitable, from +_The Christmas Chimes or Carols_), "or when WASHINGTON IRVING depicted +the more than feudal merry-makings at"--(&c., &c. Try to cook up as much +about _Bracebridge Hall_ as you think the public will stand. Perhaps a +few practical words at the end would be advisable, as follows):-- + +"And after our traditional Yule-tide offerings are over; after the +preposterous claims of the postman and the lamp-lighter have been +liquidated by liquor or satisfied by sixpences; then can we forget that +besides this private bounty we also have a duty to our country? Lives +there the man with soul so dead, Whose heart within him has not bled, +And who, quite promptly has not fled, at mention of that grandest of +Nineteenth Century inspirations, the Jubilee Imperial Institute? The +Imperial Institute is----" (Here mention what it is. If you don't quite +know, you can count upon none of your readers being any the wiser. Then +add appeals for cash, a few more Yule-tide common-places, and a general +and genial wind-up.) + + * * * * * + +When a judgment is re-versed, ought not the original to have been in +rhyme? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: hand] NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, +whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, +will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and +Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no +exception. + + + + +[Illustration: INDEX] + + + ABSURD to a Degree, 13 + + Actor's Progress (The), 203 + + Adam Slaughterman, 88 + + Addio, Adelina! 286 + + Advice Gratis, 246 + + Albert Hall Concert, 244 + + All in Play, 49, 88, 100, &c. + + All the Difference, 82, 222 + + "All the Talents," 300 + + Almost too Good to be True, 251 + + Alteram Partem, 278 + + Amen! 253 + + American China, 146 + + American Chorus, 249 + + Another "Butler;" or, A Thorne in his side, 301 + + Another Chance for Joe and Jesse, 215 + + Arms and the (Police) Man, 17 + + 'Arry at the Sea-side, 111 + + 'Arry on Angling, 45 + + 'Arry on his Critics, 280 + + 'Arry on Law and Order, 249 + + 'Arry on Ochre, 169 + + Artist's Holiday (The), 94 + + At Hawarden, 226 + + At Home with Atoms, 114 + + At the Lyceum, 26 + + At the Naval Review, 30 + + At the Oval, 61 + + Autumn Lay (An), 189 + + + BABES in the Christmas Wood (The), 267 + + Backing Baco, 126 + + Bacon Again, 288 + + Bacon v. Shakspeare, 286 + + Bad News for Tea-Drinkers, 192 + + Ballade of the House (A), 82 + + Ballade of the Timid Bard, 185 + + Ballet (The), 97 + + Bard at Henley (The), 5 + + Barr Drink (A), 137 + + Bartlett's Baby, 214 + + Battle of the Way (The), 157 + + "Bearing of it lies in the Application" (The), 219 + + Bicyclists of England (The), 145 + + Big Work and Little Hands, 184 + + Bishop and Port, 254 + + Black Affair at Hayti (A), 217 + + Blessings in Disguise, 29 + + Bob Sawyer Redivivus, 179 + + Bogey in Bond Street, 190 + + "Bon Voyage!" 93 + + Bounties to Foreigners, 205 + + Boy and the Bear (The), 142 + + Brigand's Doom (The), 129 + + Burly Gentleman (A), 232 + + Burning Question (A), 96 + + By a Canterbury Belle, 69 + + By George! 231 + + + CASE-o'-my-Banker, 118 + + Chairs to Mend, 190 + + Change, 75 + + Change of Name, 106 + + Channel Talk, 81, 191 + + "Charles our Friend," 222 + + Chess-shire Cheese (A), 58 + + Chimes (The), 294 + + Christmas Crimes, 310 + + "Christmas is Coming!" 243 + + Circular Note (A), 293 + + Circus Performances, 117 + + Clear as Crystal; or, All about it, 29 + + Cloud of Yachts (A), 193 + + "Cold id by Doze," 196 + + Complaint of the Cockney Clerk (The), 167 + + Confessor's Costume (A), 244 + + Conscientious Apparition (The), 298 + + Conventional Politeness, 210 + + Cornet and Piano, 301 + + Correct Card (The), 62 + + Country Cousin's Vade Mecum (The), 46 + + Court Circular (The), 40 + + Crossing the Bar, 165 + + Cry from the Counting-house (A), 285 + + + DARK Look-out (A), 17 + + Day Out (A), 26 + + Dear Departed (The), 298 + + Derby and Gladstone, 203 + + Despatch with Economy, 38 + + Difficult Navigation, 54 + + Disputed Will (A), 273 + + Doll-ce Domum, 309 + + Down-y Philosopher (A), 261 + + Dramatic Oratorio (A), 269 + + Drury Lane with Pleasure, 113 + + Duke's Motto (The), 123 + + Dustman and the Barge-Owner (The), 239 + + + 'EAT of Discussion (The), 145 + + Echoes from St. James's Palace, 178 + + Elegant Extracts by Eminent Men, 61 + + End of the Jubilee (The), 62 + + End of the Summer (An), 133 + + Epitaph (An), 40 + + Essence of Parliament, 11, 23, 35, &c. + + Euthanasia, 203 + + Eviction, 74 + + Extra Special, 246 + + + FATHER of the Man (The), 123 + + Ferdinand and Ariel, 76 + + "Finis Coronat Opus," 76 + + Fire and Water, 78 + + First in the Field, 112 + + Fishers (The), 219 + + Fistic Crack, Smith (The), 286 + + Fling at Fair Traders, 277 + + Floreat Maschera! 3 + + Fly and the Farmers (The), 106 + + For an Irish Trip, 118 + + Foreign Language Competition, 70 + + Forest Talk, 166 + + Foul is Fair, 40 + + Founded on Fact, 291 + + Four Noble Burglars (The), 216 + + From a Country Cousin, 303 + + From Mr. Henry Irving's Note-Book, 201 + + Furnishing Fictionists, 292 + + Future Position of the Army (The), 276 + + + GARDEN, Lane, and Market, 5 + + Garden Talk, 153 + + Gentle Johnny Bull, 208 + + Gentle Shepherd! 173 + + "Gesta Grayorum," 16 + + Gladstone Bait (The), 230 + + "Glass Falling!" 66 + + Gog and Magog at the Ball, 9 + + Gold and Steel, 158 + + "Good Gun" (A), 90 + + Grandolph's Teachings, 21 + + Grasp your Thistle, 161 + + Great News for the Impecunious, 141 + + Great Thirst Land (The), 40 + + + HAVOC! 61 + + Hazard of A-dye (The), 66 + + Heavy Lightning, 145 + + Henry Mayhew, 53 + + Hibernia to the Queen, 9 + + Hints for the Unemployed, 202 + + Hint to the Howlers (A), 113 + + His First Appearance at the Café des Ambassadeurs, 218 + + Holiday Hints, 105 + + "Homes in the Hills," 102 + + "Home, Sweet Home!" 12 + + House and Home, 129 + + How Then? 166 + + How to Escape the Fog, 258 + + Humility, 221 + + Hydropathic Art, 278 + + Hygienic, 153 + + + IMPERIAL Institutors, 204 + + Important Summing-Up (An), 255 + + In Convocation, 24 + + Infant Phenomenon (The), 306 + + Ingratitude of Grandolph (The), 227 + + Insurer's Phrase-Book (The), 77 + + In their Crackers, 297 + + In the Nick of Time, 292 + + Invitation (An), 87 + + Irish Net Profit, 108 + + "Irish Prosecutions," 183 + + + JACK'S Response, 38 + + Jaw-holding, 220 + + Jenny Lind, 219 + + Jest in Earnest, 63 + + Jills in Office, 4 + + Joe's Jaunt, 189 + + Jupiter Tonans! 102 + + + KEPT In, 250 + + Knight Thoughts, 197 + + + LADIES' Law, 65 + + Lady Godiva and her Portraits, 14 + + Laissez-Faire, 110 + + Land Measure, 73 + + Lane and Garden, 33 + + Larks and the Roses (The), 261 + + Larks for Legislators, 34 + + Last of the Go-he-cans (The), 221 + + Last (Signal) Man (The), 162 + + Last Visit (but One) to the Academy (The), 9 + + Latest Addition to Fairy Land, 250 + + Latest and Best from Berlin (The), 270 + + Latest from Lord's (The), 2 + + Latest Street Improvement, 15 + + Lawful (?) Latitude, 84 + + Lay of Lawrence Moor! 292 + + Learned Protest (A), 297 + + Learning the Language, 117 + + Legion of Dishonour (The), 182 + + Lesson for the Day (The), 242 + + Lesson of the Royal Review (The), 28 + + Letter-Bag of Toby, M.P., 173, 184, 196, &c. + + Lichfield House of Call (A), 180 + + Light from the Wind, 133 + + Lighting the Dublin Beacon, 258 + + Line for Browning (A), 237 + + Literary Find (A), 252 + + Loaded with Presents, 174 + + "Long expected come at Last!" 5 + + Lord Mayor's Day in Dublin (A), 170 + + Lord Salisbury's Shakspeare, 273 + + Lords and Ladies, 21 + + Lost Record (The), 130 + + + MAGAZINES in Bulk, 205 + + Making it Easy, 42 + + Manners and Customs of the City of London, 228 + + Marble Arch (The), 73 + + "Margarine," 34 + + May in November, 242 + + Measure for Measure, 96 + + Medical New Year's Day (The), 166 + + Messenger of Peace (The), 186 + + "Mi Lor Maire," 240 + + Mixed Pickles; or, A Very Late Party, 14 + + More Advice Gratis, 130 + + More Jills in Office, 17 + + More Realism, 221 + + More Reminiscences, 232 + + Morning's Reflections (The), 157 + + Mr. Gladstone on the Fifth of November, 208 + + Mr. Punch's Manual for Young Reciters, 25, 37, 64, &c. + + Muse in Manacles (The), 192 + + "My Lawyer," 26 + + Mysterious Paper (A), 225 + + + NAPPY Holiday (A), 228 + + Necessary Explanation (A), 278 + + Negative Results, 238 + + Ne Plus Ulster, 191 + + New, and Bad, "Hatch" (The), 6 + + New North-West Passage (The), 174 + + New Quixote (The), 194 + + New Sixpence (The), 274 + + Newton and the Apple, 18 + + New Version, 231 + + New Wersion of an Old Song (A), 72 + + New Year Mems, 305 + + New Year's Card (A), 302 + + Not a "Deus ex Machinâ," 150 + + (Not at all) Bad Homburg, 155 + + (Not so) Bad Homburg, 143 + + Nottingham v. Sunderland, 201 + + Novel Reader's Vade Mecum (The), 105 + + Nu Dikshonary (The), 165 + + Nuggets in North Wales, 304 + + + O'BRIEN'S Breeches, 274 + + Obviously, 237 + + Octopus of Romance and Reality (The), 171 + + Official Object Lessons, 22 + + Of the Maske-aline Gender, 28 + + Old Doggerel Adapted, 22 + + Oldest Sketching Club in the World (The), 270 + + "On his Own Hook!" 114 + + On the Stump, in Two Senses, 141 + + On the Wing, 138 + + On the Wrong Scent, 270 + + Open Question, 264 + + Operatic Confusion, 1 + + Our Advertisers, 149, 197, 209 + + Our Booking-Office, 165, 180, 192, &c. + + Our Christmas Booking-Office, 281 + + Our Debating Club, 245, 268 + + Our Exchange and Mart, 49, 69 + + Our Ignoble Selves, 121 + + Our Theatrical Picture-Posters, 275 + + + PALACE of (Advertising) Art (The), 263 + + Papers from Pumphandle Court, 241 + + Parliamentary Ballyhooly (The), 62 + + Parliamentary Notices, 61 + + Paving the Way for him, 22 + + "Paying their Shot," 147 + + Peccant Member (The), 114 + + Philosopher's Stone (The), 252 + + Philosophy at the Popping-Crease, 25 + + Piccadilly Players, 293 + + Plea for the Birds (A), 125 + + Pleasant Traveller's Conversation-Book (The), 73 + + Plentiful Lac (The), 226 + + Pluck of Gggrrandddolllmann's Camp (The), 285 + + Point of Law (A), 161 + + Poor Old England! 162 + + Powers that be (The), 245 + + Pretty Centenarian (A), 122 + + Pretty Kettle of Fish (A), 154 + + Price of Support (The), 85 + + Private Banker's Pæan (The), 77 + + Privileged Pistols, 73 + + Pro Bono Publico, 197 + + Professor at the Dinner-Table (The), 287 + + Progressive Programme (A), 193 + + Promenading, 246 + + Protest (A), 186 + + + QUEEN at Hatfield (The), 26 + + Quite a Little Holiday, 179, 193 + + Quite Chrismassy, 281 + + Quite English, 134 + + "Quite English, you know," 282 + + + RALEIGH too Bad, 6 + + Rapture, 93 + + Rasher Theory of Bacon (A), 278 + + Rather Mixed, 232 + + Real Grievance Office (The), 170 + + Real "Inky Flood" (A), 110 + + Real Sporting Event (A), 118 + + Reasons Why, 246 + + Recent Prize-Fight (The), 303 + + Regular Cell (A), 137 + + "Re-Joyce!" 278 + + Reminiscence of the Naval Review (A), 52 + + Richard Jeffries, 93 + + Rise in Balloons (A), 89 + + Robert at Lillie Bridge, 159 + + Robert at Kilburn, 255 + + Robert at Marlow, 125 + + Robert at the Academy, 13 + + Robert at the American Exhibition, 10 + + Robert at the Guildhall Ball, 33 + + Robert at the Ministerial Bankwet, 81 + + Royalty at the Palace, 4 + + Robert at Spithead, 57 + + Robert on Lord Mayor's Day, 237 + + Robert on Luxury, 206 + + Robert on Spelling, 183 + + Robert on the French Tung, 309 + + "Room and Verge," 75 + + Roses in December, 289 + + Row in the Gallery (A), 221 + + + SAILOR'S Slip (The), 57 + + Salubrities Abroad, 65, 76, 86, &c. + + Sardou and Sara, 258 + + Scarcely Worth While, 25 + + Scarletina at Truro, 225 + + Schoolmaster of the Future (The), 234 + + Sea-Dreams, 70 + + Seeing his Way, 39 + + Shakspeare Up Again, 289 + + Shakspearian Question (The), 274 + + Shows Views, 185, 208, 220, &c. + + Shrimp Cure (The), 240 + + Sidonian Shakspeare, 46 + + Sigh of the Season (The), 106 + + Social Romance, 304 + + Society Sibyls, 279 + + Some More Official Jills, 50 + + Some Notes at Starmouth, 97, 120, 132, &c. + + Something to Swallow, 303 + + Song by Sir Abel Handy, 24 + + Songs at Stamboul, 21 + + Soothing Song for August (A), 69 + + So Seasonable, you know, 245 + + Sound Opinion (A), 285 + + "Special" Reasons, 243 + + Stable Companion (A), 167 + + Straight Tip (The), 277 + + Strange Adventures of Ascena Lukin-glass, 109 + + Strictly Private, 232 + + Studies from Mr. Punch's Studio, 41, 204 + + Summer Boating Song, 58 + + Summer Soliloquy (A), 108 + + Suspiria, 229 + + Swivellerianism, 309 + + + TALE of Terror (A), 110 + + Testimonial (A), 18 + + Theatrical Noes to Queries, 168 + + Theatrical Reciprocity, 277 + + Theory and Practice, 233 + + To a Lady Dentist, 195 + + To his Mistress, 249 + + Tom Brown & Co.'s Schooldays, 256 + + Too Clever by Half, 293 + + Too Much of a Good Thing, 3 + + "To Tea-pot Bay and Back," 121 + + To the Incomplete (Political) Angler, 209 + + To the Modern Men of Gotham, 281 + + To the Unemployed, 245 + + Town Mouse's Trials (The), 231 + + Toying with Truth, 286 + + Traveller's Vade Mecum (The), 64 + + Turning to the Left, 169 + + 'Twill Illume, 243 + + Two Goats (The), 180 + + Two Canons and Bean-Baggers (The), 258 + + Two French Presidents rolled into One, 254 + + Two Voices (The), 198 + + Tympanum (The), 156 + + + UNCOMMON, 306 + + Unemployed, 298 + + + VENICE Unpreserved, 98 + + Verb Sap., 33 + + Very Annoying, 26 + + Very like a Wales, 62 + + Very Pretty Tale by Anderson (A), 124 + + Vicarious Whipping, 159 + + Visit to "The Licensed Vistlers", 291 + + Virtues of Omission 99 + + Voces Populi, 201, 214, 226, &c. + + + WAIL of Messrs. Burt and Fenwick, 145 + + Wail of the Male (The), 126 + + Wail of the Wire (The), 242 + + Waiting his Orders, 300 + + Wanted, a Theseus, 150 + + Way of the Wind (The), 99 + + Well Protected, 280 + + Welsh for the Welsh, 73 + + What was it? 138 + + Whistling Relief (The), 106 + + Whitman in London, 101 + + Why he Went, 82 + + Woes of the Water Consumer (The), 250 + + Words in Season, 123 + + Worth Cultivating, 290 + + Worth Mentioning, 14 + + Would-be "Literary Gent" (A), 274 + + + LARGE ENGRAVINGS. + + All the Difference, 223 + + Chimes (The), 295 + + Convention-al Politeness, 211 + + Difficult Navigation, 55 + + "Final Tableau" (The), 127 + + "Fire Fiend" (The), 79 + + "Glass Falling!" 67 + + "Good Gun" (A), 91 + + Grand Old Janus (The), 247 + + Infant Phenomenon (The), 307 + + Jupiter Tonans! 103 + + Justice at Fault, 163 + + Lighting the Dublin Beacon, 259 + + Making it Easy, 43 + + Messenger of Peace (The), 187 + + New "Hatch" (The), 7 + + New North-West Passage (The), 175 + + Newton and the Apple, 19 + + "On his own Hook!" 115 + + On the Wrong Scent, 271 + + "Overlooked!" 139 + + "Quite English, you know," 283 + + Schoolmaster of the Future (The), 235 + + Spithead, July 23, 1887, 31 + + Two Voices (The), 199 + + Wanted, a Theseus, 151 + + + SMALL ENGRAVINGS. + + + Academy Pictures, 9, 13 + + Alderman's Reason for drinking Champagne, 226 + + Amateur Vocalist at a Penny Reading (An), 306 + + 'Arry, 'Arriet, and the Indians, 18 + + Artist and his Rich Patron (An), 94 + + Artists and School-Board Notice, 46 + + Aunty and the Policeman, 231 + + Babes in the Christmas Wood (The), 266 + + Baby Bottesini (The), 38 + + Baby Gorilla (The), 214 + + Birds on the Telegraph Wires, 155 + + Boatman's Opinion on a Dress-Improver, 126 + + Bogeyish Pictures, 190 + + Boulanger-Ferry Duel (The), 63 + + Brown's Boarhound and the Rabbit, 270 + + Brown's Experience of Squalls, 118 + + Bulgar Boy and the Bear, 142 + + Buying Grouse, 135 + + Cannibal Uncle (A), 70 + + Chamberlain and the Gladstone Bait, 230 + + Children's Day in the Country (A), 30 + + Chimney-Sweep not in Black, 130 + + Chinaman on Tricycle (A), 50 + + Chorister Boys with the Mumps, 217 + + Churchill at the Battle of the Estimates, 39 + + Clergyman and the Widow (The), 263 + + Colour of the Gorse (The), 111 + + Comte de Paris and his Manifesto, 134 + + Costumes for the Recess, 143 + + Country Ladies and Street Boys, 291 + + Cricket at Lord's, 12, 28 + + Dachshund's Sore Throat (A), 278 + + Darwinian Ancestor (A), 265 + + Débutante's Series of Suppers (A), 222 + + Disadvantage of being an Aristocrat, 110 + + Division Lobbies (The), 11 + + Don Chamberlain Quixote, 194 + + Duke evicting the Volunteers (The), 74 + + Dumb Crambo's School-Book Review, 37 + + East Countrymen on Disestablishment, 219 + + English and American Yachts, 157 + + Fag-end of the Session (The), 83 + + Family Starting for the Seaside, 90 + + Finding the Law Courts, 129 + + First Meet of the Season (The), 227 + + F.-M. Punch's Parliamentary Review, 23 + + Footman's Opinion of the Unemployed, 243 + + German Belle's English (A), 62 + + Gladstone and Jenny Jones, 290 + + Gladstone's Sale of Chips, 202 + + Gondolier and the Steam-launch, 98 + + Good-woodcuts, 48 + + Grandpapa, Johnny, and the Irish Stew, 298 + + Grand Parliamentary Cricket-Match, 71 + + Grouse Prospects, 60 + + Guest's Departure and the little Trees, 210 + + Hampstead Ponds (The), 198 + + Hansom Cab in a Hampstead Pond, 246 + + Honeymoon Riddle (A), 75 + + Host treading on Lady's Skirt, 213 + + House "Up" at Last (The), 131 + + How We Advertise Now, 262 + + Hungry Professor at a Pic-nic, 186 + + Improvised Butler and Distinguished Guest at Dinner-Table, 309 + + In Lowther Arcadia at Christmas Times, 299 + + Innings of the Two Bills, 2 + + "Instantaneous Photography" in Ireland, 238 + + Irish Waiter and Bow-legged Traveller, 195 + + Jack and Effie on the Sea-shore, 78 + + Japanese and the Lady's Feet (A), 267 + + John Bull and Miss Columbia, 122 + + John Bull and the Jubilee Gifts, 178 + + King of the Belgians and Ostend Fishery, 154 + + Ladies wilfully mistaking Identity, 42 + + Lady's Long-lasting Voice (A), 82 + + Laurie growing too rapidly, 159 + + "London Quite Empty!" 167 + + Long Sight or Short Arms? 203 + + Lordly Cecil and his Queen (The), 87 + + Lord Lytton translated into French, 218 + + Madame France's Next Fashion, 27 + + Making Good Use of the Square, 6 + + Mamma and her Selfish Daughters, 102 + + Matthews and the Police, 207 + + McScrew's Glasgow Friends, 179 + + Minister's Retort on Free Kirk Elder, 251 + + Missionary who couldn't convert the Sultan, 45 + + Miss Tomkyn's return from the Concert, 66 + + Modern Autolycus (The), 182 + + Money-making Schoolboy (The), 256 + + Mother-in-law's Return (A), 286 + + Mr. Punch's Parliamentary Naval Review, 35 + + Nelson as a Special Constable, 243 + + New French President (The), 279 + + Newly-titled Lord and an Old Chum, 225 + + New Shylock (The), 285 + + Nizan of Hyderabad and Britannia, 158 + + Northern Belle and Provincial Masher, 22 + + Not in Love--this Season, 274 + + Octopus of Romance and Reality, 171 + + Old Butler and Her Ladyship's Music, 234 + + Old Gent and Small Boy on Beach, 137 + + Old Lady and Cabman, 183 + + Old Lady forgets where she Dined, 26 + + Parliamentary Alpine Club, 59 + + Parliamentary Cattle-Show (The), 275 + + Parliamentary Harvest (The), 107 + + Pic-Nic Parties disturbed by Rain, 150 + + Pigheaded Attack on the Immortal Bard, 273 + + Pricing an Artist's Masterpiece, 3 + + Probable Pictures for Christmas, 250 + + Professional Cricketers, 53 + + Professor's Opinion on Long Words (The), 255 + + Public School Boy and his Grandfather, 123 + + Punch and the Police Recruit, 191 + + Punch as Apollo, 1 + + Punch at Portsmouth, 54 + + Railway Station Puzzle, 93 + + Record of the Session--Dead Heat, 133 + + Regretting not having eaten more Oysters, 294 + + Returning Home from Seaside, 162 + + Robert and Stingy Old Gent, 81 + + Rough Day at the Sea-side, 138 + + Sacred Music in French, 189 + + Salisbury awaking the Crocodile, 160 + + Science appealing to John Bull, 51 + + Scotch Wife and the Minister's Tricycle, 166 + + Seeing the Blondin Donkey, 99 + + Set Fair at Whitby, 114 + + Several Boxing Encounters, 287 + + Sharp Boy and Papa's Sixpence, 209 + + Sir W. V. Harcourt as Falstaff, 254 + + Sketching a Lady Sketcher, 174 + + Snap-shots for the Twelfth, 69 + + Society's Pugilistic Pet, 282 + + Speaker using the Birch (The), 47 + + Special Constable and Lady Cook, 258 + + Speechifying on Railway Platforms, 215 + + Street Puzzle--in the Strand, 117 + + Sultan's Appeal to Mr. Punch, 153 + + Teacher of Shorthand (A), 170 + + Times, Salisbury, and National League, 40 + + Toby's New Year's Greeting, 302 + + Tradesmen clearing Regent Street, 15 + + Triangular Duel of Operatic Managers, 21 + + Turning on Whiskey and Water, 106 + + Unemployed Man's Shovel (An), 206 + + University Coach and Volatile Pupil, 34 + + Unwelcome Lady Visitor (An), 86 + + Utilising a Theatrical Poster, 216 + + Watching a Couple on the Balcony, 58 + + Wearing a Real Engagement Ring, 239 + + Whim-buildin', 17, 29 + + Willow-Pattern Plate (The), 146 + + Wolff and the Sultan, 29 + + Wonderful Sporting Dog (A), 147 + + Woolly Landscape, but not Woolly Sheep (A), 303 + +[Illustration] + +LONDON: BRADBURY AGNEW & CO., PRINTERS WHITEFRIARS. + +[Illustration: PUNCH VOL 93 + +LONDON: + +PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, + +AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS. + +1887.] + + LONDON: + BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO., PRINTERS, WHITEFRIARS. + +[Illustration] + +SCENE--_A snug and sequestered if cloudy corner of the Elysian Fields. +Present, the Shades of_ SHAKSPEARE _and_ BACON, _engaged in reading_ Mr. +DONELLY'S _egregious lucubrations, not without such mild and mitigated +mirth as becomes the locality. To them enters a small and sprightly +Personage, light-footed, but of seeming cis-Stygian solidity._ + + _Bacon_ } (_together_). Hillo! + _Shakspeare_ } + +_Mr. Punch._ _That_ sounds human. Savours rather of my own Fleet Street +than of the realms of the _other_ Rhadamanthus. What cheer, sweet WILL? +How fare you, Brother FRANCIS? [_Salutes courteously._ + +_Bacon._ 'Twere affectation to ask _who_ you are, Sir. The question, +"How gat you here?" may perchance be more pertinent--and pardonable. + +_Mr. P._ (_airily_). Oh, I had been for--say, the _x_th time--to see +"Our MARY" in _The Winter's Tale_, and being more inclined for +profitable talk than for sleep, I just took you on my way home. + +_Bacon_ (_smiling_). Marry, Mr. PUNCH, were the statement of sequence +equivalent to the explanation of causation, yours would be a most +satisfactory answer. + +_Shaks._ (_mildly_). Be not too scientifically scrutinising, Brother +BACON. Mr. PUNCH, _Puck_ and _Ariel_ in one, is free of all places, lord +of all latitudes, penetrator of all spheres, permeator of all elements. + +_Mr. P._ True, sweet WILL! How much more catholic, in comprehension, as +in charity, is the creative mind than the merely critical one! + +_Bacon._ Humph! That sounds Sphinxian. HERACLITUS the Obscure was +pellucid in comparison. + +_Mr. P._ And yet, I warrant you, Master SHAKSPEARE here could play the +"Diver of Delos" where your pundit's plummet should not find bottom. +However, "broad-browed VERULAM," let not that brow's breadth cloud or +corrugate in vexation at my persiflage. What do you read, Sir? + +_Shaks._ "Words, words, words!" + +_Mr. P._ "I mean the matter that you read." + +_Shaks._ "Slanders, Sir." For the coney-catching rogue--one +DONELLY--says here----but of course you know _what_ he says. [_The trio +laugh Homerically, until the asphodels wag their white heads and +convulse their starry corollas in sheer sympathy._ + +_Bacon._ By DEMOCRITUS, laughter in these latitudes is seldom enough of +this sort and compass. + +_Mr. P._ To succeed in shaking the sides--of BACON, _here_, is somewhat +indeed, the greatest triumph, be sure, that awaits the incongruous +Cryptogrammatist. + +_Shaks._ Would that BEN JONSON were with us to join in the glorious +guffaw. + +_Mr. P._ Conceive Rare BEN being jockeyed into accepting _you_, his +contemporary and tavern-companion, as the author of such "unconsidered +trifles" as _Hamlet_ and _Lear_, _Othello_ and _Macbeth_, _The Tempest_ +and _The Midsummer Night's Dream_! Wer't ever at the "Mermaid," VERULAM? + +_Bacon._ Verily, Mr. PUNCH, I should like mightily to have joined in +that company, just for once, and to have discussed the Cryptogram with +the "Spanish great galleon" and the "English man-of-war" (as FULLER puts +it), whom DONELLY now desires to knock, as it were, into one curiously +composite craft. Did not this same maker of mare's-nests indite a +fantastic tome, full of bottomless argument and visionary particularity, +concerning that fabled island or continent of Atlantis, which the +Egyptian priest told SOLON had been swallowed up by an earthquake? + +_Mr. P._ Like enough, my Lord, like enough. Once a mare's-nester, always +a mare's-nester. Nephelo-Coccygia was _terra firma_ compared with the +elaborate but evanescent Cloud-Cuckoolands of riddle-reading +theory-mongers. + +_Shaks._ When OEDIPUS gets crotchet-ridden the sooner the Sphinx +devours him the better. + +_Mr. P._ True, O Swan! Let the Great Brethren of British Genius be +brethren still--twins, if you please, but twain. Verily it might almost +pass the might of Mother Nature to round two such splendid orbs into +one. Rare BEN had his tribute for you also, my VERULAM. "No man ever +spake more neatly, more purely, more weightily, or suffered less +emptiness, less idleness in what he uttered." Might have been said of +ME! + +_Bacon._ Praise shared with you is praise indeed! But the language of +the Realm of Phantasy--WILL'S own world--the speech of Arcady, of Arden, +of shadowy Elsinore, of _Prospero's_ enchanted Isle--WILL'S native +tongue--passeth many a league-long step beyond the "neatness" of the +judgment-seat, or the "fulness" of the _Novum Organum Scientiarum_. + +_Mr. P._ Well said, Wisdom! + +_Shaks._ (_chortling softly_). Why, who knows? One day, perchance,--æons +hence, of course,--some puzzle-headed pragmatist may propound the +preposterous question, "Who wrote _Punch?_" From out the fathomless +deeps of its many thousand wit-stored tomes the DONELLY of that dim and +distant future may readily dip up, in his poor bucket, a Cryptogram, to +show that they were produced by a scientific syndicate, including +FARADAY and MILL, HUXLEY and HERBERT SPENCER, DARWIN and the Duke of +ARGYLL. [_At the mention of the Olympian and autocratic Scottish +Sciolist, Homeric laughter bursts forth anew in yet fuller force._ + +_Bacon._ Prithee, sweet WILL, don't! Shadowy sides can ache, I find, and +then, what will Rhadamanthus think? + +_Mr. P._ As Jupiter did when the adventurous Ixion intruded into +Olympus, perhaps. Well, well, put aside that preposterous book, which, +as you, my Lord BACON, said of the Aristotelian method, is "only strong +for disputations and contentions, but barren of works for the benefit of +the life of man," and, I may add, of immortals. + +_Shaks._ (_yawning_). Not all reading, my FRANCIS, makes a full +man--save in the sense in which one may be filled with the East wind. +_My_ books were men. Not much that is novel in Nature, human or +otherwise, to study in these shadowy realms. I miss the "Mermaid," and +the mazy world which was my stage. DONELLY'S book is dull, however. +Canst furnish us with a substitute, excellent Mr. PUNCH? + +_Mr. P._ That can I, sweet WILL. To that end indeed came I hither. As a +popular stage-character--not one of your own--saith, "I hope I don't +intrude." Ah, I thought not; but you needn't try (ineffectually) to +wring my hands off, the pair of you. Behold!!!!!! + +As Mr. PUNCH reluctantly turned his back upon Elysium, he left the two +Illustrious Shades, prone side by side and cheek by jowl upon an +asphodel bank, eagerly and diligently perusing his + +Ninety-Third Volume! + +[Illustration] + +[Transcriber's Note: + +All apparent printer's errors retained. + +Italics denoted with underscores (_).] + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume +93, December 31, 1887, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40599 *** |