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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 93,
+November 5, 1887, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 93, November 5, 1887
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: September 17, 2011 [EBook #37465]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, NOV. 5, 1887 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer,
+Nigel Blower and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 93.
+
+
+
+November 5th 1887.
+
+
+
+
+THE LETTER-BAG OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+FROM AN INTENDING EMIGRANT.
+
+  _Liverpool, Saturday Noon._
+
+[Illustration:]
+
+DEAR TOBY,
+
+My boat is on the shore, And my bark is on the sea, But before I
+go, TO-BEE, I will write a line to thee. I am here to join the bark
+aforesaid, which will presently convey JOSEPH and his fortunes to the
+United States. As far as one can judge from the Press news telegraphed
+here, the reception that awaits me is not very cordial. I have all my
+life been conscious of a tendency to rub people down the wrong way.
+Unhappily the consciousness is borne in upon me only after the evil
+is effected. No succession of experience has effect upon my conduct.
+HARTINGTON and I are pretty good friends now, but I daresay you will
+remember the night, now a dozen years dead, when I rose from a seat
+below the Gangway in the House of Commons and, amid frantic cheers
+from the little Radical Party of which I was then a humble ornament,
+denounced him as "_late_ the Leader of the Liberal Party." The Markiss
+is now my friend and ally, and I might almost say patron. The time
+is too short for me to recall a tithe of the nasty things I have
+said about him and others who toil not, neither do they spin. With
+GLADSTONE the process is reversed, but in the end is much the same. I
+began by adulating him, and now no one can say that that is my precise
+attitude towards him.
+
+It is more or less well as far as individuals are concerned. But I am
+afraid I put my foot in it when, in defiance of historic warning,
+I framed an indictment against a whole nation. Going out to the New
+World on a mission of peace, I began by aggravating Canada and setting
+up the back of the United States. When I reflect how easy it
+would have been for me to say nothing, I stand amazed at my own
+indiscretion. The only recompense I find in the situation is the
+chagrin of the Markiss and his friends. They thought they had done
+a nice stroke of policy in engaging me on this business. It is, of
+course, not a new procedure. If I were still on the other side, I
+should take delight in showing that herein, as in the matter of the
+Convention with France just completed, they have taken a leaf out of
+the book of their political opponents, and re-issued it with their own
+imprimatur. The last time a Commissioner was sent out from England to
+reason with the United States, GLADSTONE was in the Markiss's place,
+and he selected STAFFORD NORTHCOTE as the agent. It was an excellent
+device, tying in advance the hands of the enemy, who could scarcely
+denounce a policy for the initiation and direction of which one of
+their principal men was chiefly responsible. But what a difference
+between STAFFORD NORTHCOTE and me!--a difference which the Markiss is
+already beginning to realise. The proposal suited me well enough. It
+would take me away from the country at a time when my presence here
+only involves me in embarrassing controversy. Moreover, if I made a
+great hit, and insured a successful Treaty, it would pave the way
+for my return to my old position in the popular esteem. As for the
+Markiss, my acceptance of the work would secure for him an ally on the
+Opposition benches in the event of future debate arising out of the
+Treaty, and would draw into close, personal union with his Party what
+only natural modesty prevents me from alluding to as a formidable
+antagonist. That was the little game; and for the sake of saying
+something bitter, under the temptation to gird at an adversary that
+had affronted me, I hopelessly spoiled it.
+
+Writing to you, _cher_ TOBY, in the confidence of friendly
+correspondence (I suppose your letters are not opened at the Post
+Office, Barkshire not being an Irish county) I will confess that I
+really could not help it. It is not that I do not know better, but my
+temper is perhaps a little peculiar. I am essentially a fighting-man.
+If any one bites his thumb at me I will know the reason why, and no
+considerations of what is politic will prevent me from returning a
+blow. I know that some people think I'm almost to be pitied because
+(as they put it) I have hopelessly thrown away a position which no one
+but myself could have destroyed. They think I am politically done for.
+We shall see. However it be, I shall not forget the wild joy of battle
+that the events of the past year have purchased for me. I like it best
+with my back to the wall in the House of Commons, when my old friends
+jeer and howl at me, and the rapturous cheers of the Conservatives
+testify their pleasure at seeing me of all men playing their game--as
+they think. I confess things at the moment are not from any point of
+view very bright. But I can afford to wait, strong in the assurance
+that I can do better without the Liberal Party than the Liberal Party
+can do without me. They call me a Dissentient, which reminds me of a
+story I once heard about an aboriginal resident in the great country
+whither I am now hastening. A red man was found wandering in the
+depths of the forest with signs of perturbation manifest beneath
+his manfully calm exterior. "Are you lost?" he was asked. "No," he
+answered, "me no lost. Me here. Wigwam lost." It is not I that am a
+Dissentient Liberal; it is the Liberal Party that is the Dissentient.
+
+Now here is the Mayor come to say that luncheon's ready, and so,
+dropping into poetry again, I will say good-bye, With a sigh to those
+who love me, And a smile to those who hate, And, whatever sky's above
+me, Here's a heart for every fate. Yours faithfully,
+
+  J. CH-MB-RL-N.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BOUNTIES TO FOREIGNERS.
+
+_First Passenger (in Underground Railway)._ We're such a frightfully
+_insular_ nation! Ignorant, exclusive, say-nothing-to-nobody sort of
+people! Think there's nothing beyond Straits of Dover--or Atlantic
+Ocean.
+
+_Second Ditto (agreeing out of politeness)._ Horrible? By the bye,
+that's a nice picture of the Paris Hippodrome, isn't it?
+
+_First Passenger (indifferently)._ Is it? But, as I was saying,
+insularity is our----
+
+_Second Ditto (startled)._ Hullo! By Jove!--no, it can't be true! Yes,
+it is--here's an English newspaper taken to giving a column, a whole
+column, of French news _in French!_ (_Humorously._) Very insular,
+isn't it?
+
+_First Passenger (not understanding the point)._ Very. And, as I was
+saying, it's our besetting sin. We hide our heads like ostriches, and
+refuse to recognise the existence of foreigners. Then what does this
+insularity mean? It means we're _isolated_--cut off from Europe--hated
+by everybody.
+
+_Second Ditto (roused at last)._ I don't know what you call being
+insular and isolated. French Plays are on at a London Theatre. An
+Italian Exhibition's coming to Earl's Court. We get our music from
+Germany, our singers from Italy, and our butter and eggs from Belgium
+and Brittany; and, on the whole, don't you think London's about the
+most Cosmopolitan Capital to be found anywhere? Ah, here's my Station.
+Good morning!
+
+  [_Jumps out in time to escape indignant retort. Exit._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MAGAZINES IN BULK.--It is as impossible to "sample" a magazine by
+a monthly number as it is to estimate the quality of a wine by the
+glass. If you take a bottle you know something about it. Thus when we
+see the _English Illustrated_ in volume we are fully able to
+estimate its worth. The present volume is in every way equal to its
+predecessors. Volume Fourteen of _St. Nicholas_ is one of those good
+gifts that Brother JONATHAN sends us. It is a delightful collection
+of child-poems, child-pictures, and child-lore. The editor, Miss MARY
+MAPES DODGE knows full well how difficult it is to please those keen
+critics, the children, but she has "dodged" it.
+
+       ***
+
+THE MAC BATTENBERG.--_Mr. Punch_ is delighted to hear that mother and
+child are doing well, and congratulates the Infant Princess on being
+the first of the Royal Family to be born in Scotland since 1600.
+Could not the next be born in Ireland? "The O'BATTENBERG," would be a
+splendid title.
+
+       ***
+
+LATEST FROM LICHFIELD.--DR. JOHNSON loved "a good hater." He ought to
+have flourished next year--Hatey-hate! Ha! ha!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "EMPLOYMENT."
+
+_First Loafer._ "'SAY, MATE, IF THEY WAS TO PUT A SHOVEL IN YER 'ANDS,
+AN' TELL YER TO GO TO WORK, WOULD YER TAKE IT?"
+
+_Second Loafer._ "'COURSE I WOULD."
+
+_First Loafer._ "WOULD YER USE IT?"
+
+_Second Loafer._ "'COURSE I WOULD?--LIKE A SHOT! I'D SPOUT IT!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROBERT ON LUXURY.
+
+Alderman Sir RENERY KNIGHT, late Lord Mare, and one of the werry best
+as we ever had, and so was his good wife, the Lady Maress, hapening
+for to be a setting at the Manshun House when the LORD MARE was gorn
+out for a ride somewheres, had to receive what I thinks is called a
+Deputytashun--though not a bit like reel Deputys, who is all werry
+rich--of poor working-men as ain't got not no work to do, and, like
+the kind gennelman as he is, he gave 'em sum such capital adwice as to
+the utter stoopidity of making theirselves noisy and disagreeable when
+they wants to make people kindly dispoged towards 'em, and as to the
+well-known fackt, that the best friends of the working-classes is them
+as spends their money the most freest and the most liberalist, that
+he set the hole City a ringing with it, and as always happens alike
+in exacly similar cases, up starts a mere upstart of a Pollytickle
+Economist--how I hates the werry sound of that larst word, which is
+ony another name for stingyness and meanness and sham forgitfulness
+of the pore Waiter--and says as it ain't true! Like his imperance
+I think, but of coarse ewery body has a right to his own opinion,
+however ridicklus it may be. But being a Lecturer, and therefore
+I spose acustomed to use his tung pretty freely, he mite have been
+xpected to have kept a civil one in his head when he rote his reply to
+Sir RENERY. Instead of which he fust calls him incorrygible, which
+I beleeve means that he carnt be conwicted, as if a Alderman and
+Magistrate could be! He then writes of his "Colossal ignorance!" I
+don't quite know what it means but I'm quite sure that however small
+the Alderman's may be, the Lecturer's is ever so much bigger, as I'll
+prove from my own pussonal knowledge.
+
+He acshally has the ordassity to adwise the Rite Honerable the LORD
+MARE not to employ so many cooks! Poor hignoramus! has he ever dined
+at the Manshun House on a trewly grate ocashun? Most suttenly not, or
+he never would have written such a silly, not to say cruel sentence.
+Not so many cooks indeed! Does he think that the Chef who has given
+his whole mind to the preparing of the Thick and Clear Turtle, is not
+so utterly xhausted that he has to drink two or three glasses of werry
+old Madeary, and then lay down on his sophy and recover hisself
+by slow degrees. Does he think that the Fish Cooks, with praps six
+differing kinds of Fish to prepare, is fit for anything else? and how
+about the Sauce Artists, let him try to emagine, tho' he'll try in
+wain, what they has to go through in the tasting line. Then there are
+the French gentlemen who superintend the production of those wunders
+in what they calls the guestronommick line, wiz.: the _Ontrays!_ Is
+it supposed by this "curlossal" hignoramus, that they can, after
+achieving brilliant success in these wunders of hart, condescend to
+turn their attention to such werry small deer as poultry and jints?
+Suttenly not, the thing's absurd. But they requires cooks, tho' of
+coarse, not of the same hi horder as the Hartists.
+
+But, strange to tell, ewen this is not the wust. Not only is the LORD
+MARE adwised not to employ so many Cooks, but the trewly wunderful
+reason is given, becoz he can then employ more railway navvies! Shades
+of FRANK HURTELLY and SWOYHAY, rest tranquil in your long graves!
+
+But what a dedly hinsult to one of the werry noblest of all noble
+perfessions, to compare for usefulness a mere railway navvy to a great
+Chef. Is this strange economist aware that the great Earl of SEFTON,
+prais to his memory! used to allow his Chef L300 a year and a Horse
+and Broom for the Park! But all sitch conclusive arguments is I fear
+utterly lost upon him.
+
+However, there is just one matter for which I have to thank him. I
+confess that my face werry possibly turned gashly pale as I read his
+orful letter, I fornatrally thort if he is going to recommend less
+Cooks he may werry posserbly be a going for to recommend less Waiters!
+But no, he had the good taste to draw his line there, and for that I
+thanks him. What a treat it is to turn from the wild projecks of the
+Lecterer to the wise counsels of the Alderman. No doubt, he says, we
+could all do without luxuries, but what would become of the millions
+who produces them? No doubt, he says, we could all live on plain food
+and drink water--what orful words for a Alderman to write down!--but
+then what would become of the millions who earns their living
+in preparing them, and he might have added, as a clencher to his
+staggering argument, and what would become of Hus? If there is one
+picter that presents itself to my orrified imagination, that more than
+any other staggers it, it is that of the hole splendid Army of London
+Waiters, with their full dress black coats a gitting jist a leetle
+shabby, and their lovely white chokers jest a leetle shady, a parading
+the London Streets, and a singing in Chorus, "We've got no work
+to do!" But no, I feels as that orful dream will never live to be
+realised, but, to use the classic langwidge as the Lecturer quotes
+from some frend of his, and which I supposes as he intends as a
+complement, "let the idol rich still take their proper place as
+drones in the hive, gorging at a feast to which they have contributed
+nothing," and he might have added, and never never forgetting the
+Waiter.
+
+  ROBERT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+MR. PUNCH was pleased to notice that a certain noisy Salvationist, who
+would insist on playing the cornet--did he profanely call it "The horn
+of salvation?"--to the disturbance of quiet citizens, was made to move
+on, and treated as a common street-organ nuisance by the Magistrate.
+Wanted, as soon as possible, an Act to stop all unauthorised
+Processions, be they what they may.
+
+       ***
+
+The disastrous fire at WHITELEY'S occupied the entire attention of
+thirty-four steam fire-engines, "leaving," says the _Standard_,
+"about a dozen for the rest of London." The "rest" of London will
+be considerably disturbed if this state of things continues. We are
+under-police'd and under-fire-brigaded. If GRANDOLPH the Great
+is afraid of becoming one of the Unemployed, and so getting into
+mischief, let him turn his attention to supply and demand in this
+direction, and the ex-Chancellor of the Exchequer may do some good.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE NOT-AT-ALL-AT-HOME SECRETARY.
+
+_Mr. General-Inspector Punch._ "NOW THEN, MATT, MOVE ON! DON'T
+INTERFERE WITH THE POLICE IN THE EXECUTION OF THEIR DUTY."
+
+    "_The change of tactics last week on the part of the Police,
+    in permitting a Meeting in Trafalgar Square, was said to
+    be due to the interference of the Home Secretary._"--_Daily
+    Papers._
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+T'other and Which; or, an Old Saw re-set.
+
+_The Showman at Nottingham or Islington (exhibiting figures of G. O.
+M. and Orchid Joe)._ Here you see the Separatist Party as large as
+life!
+
+_Dubious Elector._ Please, which is the Separatist Party?
+
+_Showman._ Whichever you please, my little dear. You pays your money,
+and you gives your vote.
+
+       ***
+
+FREE AND VERY OPEN.--In Canterbury Cathedral, the other day, there was
+only one worshipper present at the Service! The occurrence is declared
+to be unprecedented, four having been the previous low-water-mark of
+attendance. It might be described as "one-man rule," only it isn't the
+rule, but the exception, it seems. If this sort of thing spreads,
+the craze for restoring our Cathedrals ought to give way to a cry
+for restoring their congregations. Was the Service altered to "Dearly
+Beloved Brother" or "Sister?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SHOWS VIEWS.
+
+_By Victor Who-goes-Everywhere._
+
+[Illustration]
+
+M. COQUELIN is at the Royalty with an efficient French Company
+appearing in a round of his best-known characters. He has already
+taken part in _Un Parisien, Don Caesar de Bazan_ and an entirely new
+piece (first time in London and elsewhere) _L'Aine_. This last I had
+the pleasure of seeing the other evening, and was delighted to
+find that it was a play that could be safely recommended as a fit
+entertainment for their charge to the guardians of that apparently
+very easily-influenced infant, "The Young Person." It is rather
+suggestive of several English original pieces, amongst the rest
+_Miriam's Crime_ and _Faded Flowers_. The adopted daughter (rescued
+as a child from the gutter) of a millionnaire, after her protector's
+death, undertakes the reformation of her benefactor's brother, who
+takes, through intestacy, the whole of his senior's estate. To carry
+this out effectively, the young lady prevents the heir from drinking
+his _chasse_ after his coffee, and playing a game of _ecarte_ with an
+old friend, for love, and finally offers to marry him. The heir is as
+quiet as a lamb under these inflictions, until he discovers that
+his _fiancee_ loves some one else, when he proposes, at the earliest
+possible moment, to commit suicide. This inconvenient intention is
+prevented, the adopted daughter marries the man of her choice, and
+the heir goes back to America, thus all ends happily. COQUELIN, as the
+heir, was seen to very great advantage in the less sentimental parts
+of the character, but was not quite so successful when he commenced
+crying over the portrait of _L'Aine_, which, by the way, was a very
+excellent likeness (without the eyeglass) of the Right Hon. JOSEPH
+CHAMBERLAIN. For the rest Madame MALVAU was rather a mature adopted
+daughter, M. ROMAIN (as "_Georges_--her friend") a little too heavy in
+more senses than one as the superfluous lover, and M. DUQUESNE a
+very excellent lawyer. There is nothing particularly brilliant in the
+writing, and only one line raises a laugh. When the vagabond friend
+of the heir extends his hand, _M. Vivien_, without a movement, merely
+asks, "_Combien?_" But on its repetition this admirable joke did not
+"go" quite so well. Still there is a freshness in the central idea
+of the play which is welcome. As a rule every one on the French stage
+weeps over somebody's mother, but in this case the tears were reserved
+for somebody's brother. It is said that the Author of the piece, M.
+PAUL DELAIR, is a novice at stage-craft. This seems to me very
+likely, as had he had more experience, I fancy he would have allowed
+(especially if he had known that the character was going to be played
+by M. ROMAIN) _M. Georges_ to have been shot dead in the First Act.
+This would have been really a great improvement, especially had
+_Yveline_ (the adopted daughter) been allowed to expire from grief
+early in the Second. Joking apart, _L'Aine_ is not half a bad piece,
+although I cannot conscientiously go so far as to say that it is half
+a good one. Before the engagement of M. COQUELIN is over, the talented
+actor has promised to play _Gringoire_. No doubt this will be
+produced for the benefit of Mr. BEERBOHM TREE, who richly deserves the
+compliment.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The Paris Hippodrome has once more taken possession of Olympia, where
+it seems likely to remain until well into next year. The entertainment
+is of the customary quality, which is saying a great deal in its
+praise. There are excellent _troupes_ of acrobats and performing
+dogs (with a wonderful black poodle that is the best clown that
+has appeared in a Circus for many a long year), chariot-races, and
+horsemanship in all its branches. This season the Ladies have it all
+their own way. The last time M. HOUCKE visited us, Gentlemen drove
+the team of thirty-two, and jumped over the hurdles with the tandem of
+three; now their places are supplied by members of the fairer sex. The
+horses who take part in these feats are so admirably trained that
+the element of danger is entirely eliminated, and, consequently, the
+change is an improvement. Then an accomplished cob and an elegant
+elephant take a turn together in more senses than one, for they dance
+_vis-a-vis_ a waltz and a polka. The novelty of the Show, however, is
+kept for the second part, and is apparently a page from the Algerian
+experiences of General BOULANGER. The attention of a tribe of Arabs
+(seemingly on their road to church) having been attracted to a
+military train containing a bugle-band of Turcos and some half-dozen
+soldiers of the French line, devotions are temporarily abandoned for a
+pitched battle. The Arabs fire upon the Europeans, who, however,
+after a lively skirmish, succeed in "taking up a position" with the
+bugle-band, and then retire. The Arabs bearing no ill-will, dancing
+follows, and the fighting being quite over and forgotten, General
+BOULANGER, accompanied by a Staff, swaggers in and assists at further
+military exercises. Then the bugle-band heads the procession of French
+and Arabs, and, after marching past BOULANGER, _exeunt_. The attack
+upon the train, if a little perplexing from a purely historical point
+of view, is capitally managed, and very exciting. Since the opening
+night the large hall has been very well attended; and now that the
+American Exhibition is closed, may be expected to be crowded--and a
+crowded audience at the Addison Road cannot be recorded in less than
+five figures. "The Wild West is gone--long live Olympia!"
+
+A second visit to the Royal Westminster Aquarium has not improved my
+opinion of "the Wolves, the Wolves, the Wolves!" (see Advertisement)
+as a pleasure-insuring entertainment. I have already said that the
+tricks of these animals cause a "creepy" sensation, and when I made
+this observation I referred to the "kissing act," wherein a wolf
+embraces the portly person in the Polish lancer's uniform who has
+trained it. But the fights between master and brutes are even less
+tolerable, as may be judged to be the case when I say that, on
+a recent occasion when I was present, the trainer seemed to be a
+good-half-hour (no doubt it was an infinitely less period of time) in
+getting one of his wild beasts into its allotted cage. It is not at
+all a nice sight to see a man beating a snapping and yelping wolf with
+a whip, for one feels that there is the element of cruelty on both
+sides. Take it allround, I prefer "the _belle_ FATMA,"--that is,
+taking her all round, on which I need hardly say I should not
+venture,--to "the Wolves, the Wolves, the Wolves!" And I sincerely
+hope that FATMA (the old lady near her looks more like Fat Ma) may
+always be able to keep the wolf from her door.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GENTLE JOHNNY BULL.
+
+  The way with "demonstrations" tyrants used to take was brief--
+  Justices gave a rioter the guerdon of a thief!
+  Not only durance vile--our gentler nature how it shocks--
+  But whipping-cheer, and oh! they set their Brother in the Stocks!
+
+  In those days a Stump-Orator had reason to take care,
+  How he denounced, derided, and defied the Powers that were.
+  And if he talked High Treason--Imagine this, my dears!
+  They put him in the pillory, and sometimes clipped his ears.
+
+  A People's Friend, unless he took good heed to what he said,
+  Was liable to answer for his language with his head.
+  How venerable soever, a too talkative old Cock,
+  His eloquence might bring him, though a Statesman, to the block.
+
+  But happily we, Brethren, now are men of milder mood,
+  And not, as were our ancestors, vindictive, stern, and rude.
+  So much has done the milk of human kindness to assuage,
+  The bile of British hardihood in this forbearing age!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. GLADSTONE ON THE FIFTH OF NOVEMBER.
+
+SIR,--You are wrong in supposing that the term, "Old Fireworks," was
+originally applied to myself. I am of opinion, though I speak under a
+certain amount of correction, not such, however, as my young friend,
+GRANDOLPH, would like to supply, that the term Old Fireworks was first
+applied to the celebrated _Mr. Pickwick_, though upon what occasion
+and by whom I cannot at this moment call to mind. To your second
+question, as to whether I approve of the conduct of _Mr. Samuel
+Weller_ in resisting the Head Constable _Grummer_, I should say that,
+considering the provocation offered, _Mr. Weller_ seems to have acted
+with remarkable self-restraint.
+
+  Yours faithfully,      G. O. M.
+
+P.S. Chips, real good chips, warranted quite dry, and only waiting for
+a match to set them in a blaze, may now be had at Hawarden Lodge at
+the ridiculously small charge of three-pence a piece, or two shillings
+and five-pence halfpenny per dozen. Immediate application personally
+or by letter is recommended. Also a copy of Nottingham speech and the
+Mitchelstown telegram, which, should any difficulty be experienced in
+kindling a bonfire, will at once set the heap into a splendid blaze.
+My song and chorus--
+
+  Remember, remember,
+  The Mitchelstown ember,
+
+and so forth, ought to be ready at all respectable music-publishers
+by November 3rd. 2s. 6d. per copy. Great reduction for clubs, schools,
+&c. Chips! Chips! in the name of the Profit! Chips! G. O. M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "LIKELY TO GET ON IN LIFE."
+
+_Papa._ "IF I GIVE YOU SIXPENCE, AND TELL YOU TO BUY FIVE PENNY
+PAPERS, HOW MUCH CHANGE WILL YOU BRING BACK TO ME?"
+
+_Sharp Boy (considering)._ "WELL, PAPA--LET ME SEE--IF YOU GAVE ME
+SIXPENCE----"
+
+_Papa._ "YES--YES. HOW MUCH CHANGE TO BRING BACK TO ME?"
+
+_Sharp Boy (readily, and with decision)._ "NONE--NOT IF YOU GAVE ME
+THE SIXPENCE!"
+
+    [_Papa determines to put the question in a different way next time._
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO THE INCOMPLETE (POLITICAL) ANGLER.
+
+  O BRUMMAGEM JOSEPH, my boy, will you halt on
+    Your sturdy, but scarce diplomatical way,
+  And take from an ancient disciple of WALTON
+    A few friendly hints about patience and "play"?
+  As an Angler you have _Mr. Punch's_ best wishes,
+    But _do_ you consider it wise, ere you start
+  To throw stones in the water, and stir up the fishes?
+    That's scarcely the right piscatorial art.
+  No, stillness and silence, and delicate tact, Sir,
+    Are needed for handling the rod and the reel.
+  You may pelt and may splash, but you'll find it a fact, Sir,
+    Who frightens the fishes will not fill his creel.
+
+       ***
+
+HADWICE GRATIS.--The Vaudeville Theatre announces a new play by Mr.
+ENERY HAUTHOR JONES, called _Heart of Hearts_. To popularise it for
+Town use, much better call it _'Art of 'Arts_ at once.
+
+       ***
+
+NEW ORDER (_not issued from the Horse Guards._)--The entire British
+Army to be submitted to a Fortnightly Review for the next three months
+at least.
+
+       ***
+
+MEM. FOR POLICE BY GENERAL-INSPECTOR PUNCH.--Stop the Orators in
+Trafalgar Square, and let the Fountains be the only ones to spout.
+
+       ***
+
+'ARRY STRATFORD-ATTE-BOW'S FRENCH MOTTO FOR THE FIFTH OF
+NOVEMBER.--"_Toujours Guy._"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR ADVERTISERS.
+
+INVERTED, EDUCATIONAL, MEDICINAL, AND MISCELLANEOUS.
+
+WANTED, BY AN INCORRIGIBLE LITTLE BOY, whose Parents have threatened
+to send him away from home on account of his perpetually insufferable
+conduct, a suitable domicile, where he will be afforded every facility
+for continuing it without hindrance and interruption. A quiet old
+country clergyman, and his wife, both a little short-sighted, and hard
+of hearing, occupying a retired Vicarage, that is in want of a little
+waking up, might write. House must be conveniently arranged for the
+setting of booby-traps, possess a good old-fashioned striking-clock,
+with accessible inside, a get-at-able upstairs' cistern, a
+dinner-gong, and plenty of bells. Bedroom might be furnished with
+a view to an occasional display of fireworks. Staircase with good
+top-to-bottom slide-down balusters indispensable. Would be glad to
+hear if there is a powerful garden-engine, in good working-order,
+on the premises; and also whether there is a decent sweetstuff and
+gunpowder-shop within easy distance. Apply by letter to "TARTAR,"
+Scarum Hall, Flingover, Notts.
+
+       ***
+
+THE PRINCIPAL OF A YOUNG GENTLEMAN'S ACADEMY, who has, in turns, been
+a Stock-jobber, a Solicitor struck off the Rolls, a Light Comedian, an
+Undertaker, a Professor of Calisthenics, and a Hansom-cab Driver, and
+has now taken to the Education of Youth as a last resource to make
+ends meet, is anxious to hear from a sufficient number of dupes, in
+the shape of parsimonious Parents, to enable him to start his scheme,
+and see whether he can make anything out of it. They must be fools
+enough to believe that a thoroughly high-class, commercial, and
+classical education, including instruction in five modern languages,
+fitting the recipients for immediate entry into either the Church,
+the Army, or the Bar can be furnished, together with the use of an
+extensive swimming bath and gymnasium, and an unlimited supply of the
+very best diet, without any charge for washing, books, or extras,
+for twenty guineas per annum. The fact that a retired waiter from a
+Boulogne Restaurant takes charge of the Modern Languages, while the
+Higher Mathematics and swimming are entrusted to a late Custom House
+Officer, and the Classical and other Departments, are under the
+immediate supervision of the Principal, may be taken as a guarantee
+that the advertised curriculum is scrupulously and efficiently carried
+out. Apply for further Particulars to "PRINCIPAL," Uncertificated
+Tutors Association, S.E.
+
+       ***
+
+WANTED, BY THE PROPRIETOR OF A PATENT MEDICINE, a nervous and
+confiding Client who after reading a whole newspaper advertising
+column of diseases, and persuading himself that he is afflicted with
+most of them, will believe that by an outlay of 1s. 11/2d., he can
+entirely cure himself of the whole lot of them on the spot. He must
+not be disheartened if the first trial produces no effect. On the
+contrary, if the nostrum appears to develop fresh and disagreeable
+symptoms, he must manfully persevere, and face in turn neuralgia,
+rheumatic gout, fever, lumbago, sciatica, incipient paralysis, and
+even greater complications, rather than relinquish the remedy when he
+has once had recourse to it. In this way, it is obvious, he will not
+only be able to afford a permanent support to the sale of a dangerous
+and deleterious compound, but will, by its continual use, effectually
+and completely succeed in ultimately shattering his own constitution.
+Apply, "PROPRIETOR," Jollop's Specific Restorator, Patent Medicine
+Works, Pill Hill, N.E.
+
+       ***
+
+WANTED, A QUITE INEXPERIENCED HORSEMAN, to purchase, on the
+recommendation of a tricky Job Master, a thoroughly unsound and
+spavined Bay Cob that will be represented as having been "parted with"
+by its late owner, "a sporting Duke," for "no fault whatever." The
+creature, however, that is short in the wind, swollen at the hocks,
+an ugly stepper, and has not a single good point about it, having
+recently, when in the funeral business, kicked in a hearse, it has
+been decided to palm it off on the first unsuspecting purchaser that
+turns up as "quiet to ride" and going "nicely in harness," and it may
+confidently be relied upon to throw an unskilful or aged rider, or
+smash up a brougham at the very earliest opportunity. As it has also,
+at a previous period in its career, served as a trick horse at a
+Circus, and will, on meeting a German band, sit down on its haunches,
+it might be safely secured by any equestrian to whom some astonishment
+and a little music mingled with his morning's ride might prove a
+pleasing experience. Can be seen at GULLY'S Stables, Blinder Street,
+S.W.
+
+       ***
+
+A FEW THOROUGHLY UNSUSPECTING TENANTS wanted by a Jerry Builder, who
+has just run up a terrace of new houses anyhow, and is anxious to see
+if anybody can manage to live in them. None of the doors shut, all the
+windows let in draughts, and there are practically no drains. As the
+walls are one brick thick, and the playing of a piano can be heard
+through six houses, neighbours of a conversational turn might find a
+residence in them advantageous. Warranted to come down with a run in a
+high wind. Apply, "Builder," Dustbin Terrace, Killingham Road, E.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD WISH TO HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY.
+
+_Guest._ "WELL, GOOD-BYE, OLD MAN!--AND YOU'VE REALLY GOT A VERY NICE
+LITTLE PLACE HERE!"
+
+_Host._ "YES; BUT IT'S RATHER BARE, JUST NOW. I HOPE THE TREES WILL
+HAVE GROWN A GOOD BIT BEFORE YOU'RE BACK, OLD MAN!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CONVENTION-AL POLITENESS.
+
+_Madame France (with effusion)--_
+
+  "And doth not a meeting like this make amends?"
+
+I trust I have quoted with textual accuracy your so charming, and to
+the actual situation happily appropriate poet?
+
+_Mr. Bull (avec empressement)._ It does--or perhaps I should say
+doth--indeed, Madam. As to the bit from the bard--well, may its
+appropriateness never be less! How much pleasanter than the grim
+dictum of an elder rhymester, who referred to your people as those
+
+  "Whom nature hath predestined for our foes,
+  And made it bliss and virtue to oppose."
+
+_Madame France._ The barbarian! Oppose, indeed! Why should we oppose
+each other, dear Monsieur BULL?
+
+_Mr. Bull._ Why, indeed?
+
+_Madame France._ True, your bellicose Lord PALMERSTON did oppose my
+great FERDINAND'S grand idea, and that from motives the most insular
+and unenlightened. Just as some few poltroons in your sea-girt isle
+at present oppose the Channel Tunnel, which yet, in good time, will
+doubtless become as benign an actuality as the Suez Canal itself.
+
+_Mr. Bull._ Humph! PAM had perhaps his reasons, which, in the light
+of subsequent events, one must admit not to have been without their
+weight.
+
+_Madame France._ Oh, Monsieur BULL! "Greater freedom of intercourse
+between nations is the tendency of our industrial and social
+development, and the tide of human intelligence cannot be arrested by
+_vague fears_." So I read in a pamphlet on the Tunnel. How true, is it
+not?
+
+_Mr. Bull._ Doubtless; as true as that the tide of invasion could not
+be arrested by cosmopolitan cant.
+
+_Madame France._ Invasion? Fie, Monsieur BULL! In the new lexicon of
+international amity there is no such word.
+
+_Mr. Bull._ If the excision of the _word_ could absolutely abolish the
+possibility of the thing, all would be well--between you and Germany,
+for instance.
+
+_Madame France._ _Sacre-e-e!_ I beg pardon. Expletives should also
+be banished from civility's lexicon. But BISMARCK is a _monstre_, a
+_miserable_,--whereas you----!    [_Bows sweetly._
+
+_Mr. Bull._ Inarticulate flattery, Madam, is irresistible--and
+unanswerable. The renewal--if, indeed, it was ever _really_
+interrupted--of the _entente cordiale_ between us, is a blessed boon
+not to be matched in value by a hundred--Tunnels!
+
+_Madame France._ And this Convention is the sign and seal of that
+renewal, _n'est-ce-pas_? I _knew_ you never intended to stop in Egypt.
+
+_Mr. Bull._ Longer than was necessary--assuredly not, Madam. And I was
+_certain_ the New Hebrides had no real charms to permanently arrest
+your feet.
+
+_Madame France._ Though a _pied a terre_ in Raraitea, of course--you
+comprehend, Monsieur!
+
+_Mr. Bull._ Perfectly. The questions of Egypt and the New Hebrides, of
+our post near the Pyramids, and your Protectorate near Tahiti, have,
+of course, no real connection.
+
+_Madame France._ Obviously, Monsieur! Are they not dealt with in
+separate Conventions?
+
+_Mr. Bull._ Ah! if all quarrels--I beg pardon, political
+problems--could as easily be settled by a Conventional Act!
+
+_Madame France._ How welcome to you, Monsieur, to all parties in
+your Parliament, to the "rescuers" as to the "retirers," to your
+Lord CHAMBERLAIN, as well as to your Grand Old GLADSTONE, must be the
+prospect of an early, not to say immediate withdrawal from the Land of
+the Pharaohs! Surely the fugitive Israelites of old never left it with
+such pleased promptitude as _you_ will--"scuttle out" of it! Have I
+accurate memory of the Beaconsfieldian phrase, Monsieur?
+
+_Mr. Bull._ Your memory, Madam, is miraculous. The forty
+centuries--_or, however, many more there may happen to be there at
+the moment of my departure_--will doubtless, in the words of your own
+great phraser, "look down from the Pyramids" with emotions not less
+marked than my own--and yours, Madam.
+
+_Madame France._ My emotions at the present moment--and yours, I
+hope, Monsieur--are simply of supreme joy at the so happy removal of
+difficulties and the so complete restoration of amity between us by
+this charming Convention, so satisfactory in its actual terms, so
+much more so _in its promises for the future_. I felicitate you, dear
+Monsieur BULL.
+
+_Mr. Bull._ And I, Madam, reciprocate your felicitations. (_Aside._)
+It pleases her, apparently, and I do not see that it can possibly hurt
+me!    [_Left bowing._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CONVENTION-AL POLITENESS.
+
+JOHN BULL. "DELIGHTED, MY DEAR MADAM! IT PLEASES YOU,
+AND--(_Aside_)--IT DOESN'T HURT _ME_!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SPEEDING THE PARTING GUEST.
+
+_Host (who has trod on the Lady's Skirt)._ "OH! FORGIVE ME! YOU SEE
+IT'S MY NATURAL INSTINCT TO DETAIN YOU!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+"_My Autobiography and Reminiscences_," by W. P. FRITH, R.A. The
+Modern Hogarth, painter of "_Ramsgate Sands_," "_The Derby Day_," and
+"_The Road to Ruin_," can use his pen as well as his pencil. "Where
+got thou that goose-quill?" as _Macbeth_ would have said, had
+SHAKSPEARE wished him to do so. How is it that Mr. FRITH has never
+employed his goose-quill before? Sometimes it is soft-nibbed, and
+occasionally hard-nibbed, but it is almost always well pointed; and,
+though he writes with an overflowing pen--for he frequently has to
+check his impulsive waywardness--yet there is scarcely a blot on the
+paper throughout the two volumes.
+
+Mr. FRITH is, first and foremost, a humorist, and, in his humour,
+so like THACKERAY, and so unlike DICKENS, that it is no wonder,
+considering the consistent inconsistency of human nature, he should
+have loved the latter, and disliked the former. Yet, with all
+his aversion to THACKERAY, personally--and "all his works" too,
+apparently, as he hardly mentions them--he records something very
+remarkable about the Satirist of the Snobs which could not be guessed
+at from THACKERAY'S own letters, nor from the anecdotes told about
+him. And it is this; that THACKERAY could make, and on occasion did
+make an excellent after-dinner speech. At the Macready banquet with
+BULWER LYTTON and DICKENS present, Mr. FRITH tells us, "THACKERAY also
+spoke well and very humorously." And there are three other instances;
+so that THACKERAY, who has recounted his own failure at the Literary
+Fund dinner, and whose utter collapse at the Cornhill Magazine dinner
+is a matter of Literary history, was not always a mistake as an
+after-dinner speaker. The modesty exhibited by Mr. FRITH in this
+autobiography is an exhibition as novel and attractive as was FRITH'S
+other exhibition in Bond Street,--because few autobiographers possess
+so keen a sense of humour as to be able to laugh at themselves, and to
+be candid about their own foibles and follies. Indeed some persons may
+think, and indeed he inclines to this opinion himself, that he goes
+too far in his frankness when narrating the practical jokes of that
+unscrupulous and cruel _farceur_ SOTHERN the actor, in some of which
+the autobiographer appears to have played a small, but not altogether
+unimportant part. In his way Mr. FRITH is as frank and open in his
+revelations as to his past career, as was Cardinal NEWMAN in his
+straightforward _Apologia pro sua vita_. In fact in these SOTHERN
+latitudes--there was a great deal of latitude in that quarter--Mr.
+FRITH'S work is suggestive less of an autobiography than of a
+naughty-biography. He owns that he feels "humiliated and pained" at
+recounting THACKERAY'S rude jocularity towards himself, and from the
+apologetic tone with which he introduces some of SOTHERN'S caddish
+practical jokes, in which Mr. FRITH had no share, and of which he was
+not the victim, it may be inferred that he had already begun to feel
+"humiliated and pained" at having given so much space to such stories.
+How glad he must now be that he kept a "dear Diary," which has been an
+invaluable aid to his memory.
+
+Another great merit in the book is that, without ever sacrificing its
+character as an Autobiography, it is never egotistical; egoism being
+the great "I-sore" of such works. Should the humble individual who
+writes this necessarily brief notice ever arrive at the time for
+publishing his Recollections, he is perfectly sure that the book will
+be unequalled as a work of imagination. Mr. FRITH tells us how he
+improved his pictures by touching them up,--some people, too, are
+occasionally improved by the same process, if the "touching up" is
+only done judiciously,--and his self-restraint is therefore really
+admirable when he rejects the temptation to embellish, or spice, a
+story which no one is likely to contradict. For instance, in what may
+be called the Sass-age portion of his early life, he has some amusing
+anecdotes about Mr. JACOB BELL, then an Art student. BELL drew a man
+hanging, and SASS, the master, told him to leave the studio, "as
+such a career," as the man hanging, "is a bad example to your
+fellow-pupils." Now Mr. FRITH ought to have given BELL a triumphant
+exit speech--he ought to have said to SASS, "Sir, I was only
+illustrating what should be the fate of every one of your successful
+pupils--_to be hung on the line_. Good day." Exit BELL. Then he
+recounts how JACOB BELL, who, like SOTHERN, had a taste for such
+practical jokes as are utterly indefensible on the score of good taste
+and gentlemanly feeling, dressed up as a woman, and went to a
+Quakers' Meeting House, where he sat among the female portion of the
+congregation. Thinking he was discovered, this nice young man "took
+fright," and bolted. Here Mr. FRITH should have made the jovial JACOB
+subsequently explain that "he left because the women were all jealous
+of him, as he was the only 'BELL' among them." Mr. FRITH, full of his
+fun, jests, and humour, must be congratulated on having stuck to the
+truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
+
+And if anyone wants a first-rate ghost-story for the coming Christmas
+time, let him get Mr. FRITH'S book, and read how the prosaic and
+sensible Mr. WESTWOOD saw a ghost. It is simply but exquisitely told,
+and were it not that Mr. FRITH had previously owned to his complicity
+with SOTHERN in some of his "spiritualistic" demonstrations, there
+would be no sort of ground for suspecting him capable of joking on
+such serious subjects. The book is full of good stories, among which
+_The Mysterious Sitter_ and _Beckford at Fonthill_ are about the best.
+There is already a rail round MUDIE'S counter, and in front of all
+SMITH'S stalls, to keep off the crowds from taking away FRITH'S latest
+production without paying. Many of us are eye-witnesses to the fact
+of the rails in front of SMITH'S bookstalls all the way down the
+line wherever a train runs. Mr. FRITH'S very good health, and, as his
+friend _Rip-Van-Winkle_ JEFFERSON used to say, "May he live long an'
+prosber."
+
+_De Omnibus Rebus_, by the author of _Flemish Interiors_. An odd book
+to be taken up at odd times. Amusing and chatty with a good deal of
+shrewd observation. He who rides may read; and as it is published by
+NIMMO, this firm in this instance might adopt the old Latin motto,
+"_'Nimmo' mortalium omnibus horis sapit_;" i.e. "NIMMO is wise to
+bring out a book for the omnibus hours of mortals."
+
+  OUR OWN BOOKWORM.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Madame PATTI'S house, in some unpronounceable Welsh place, was broken
+into by burglars. We hope they didn't rob her of any notes. The
+thieves came from Town--they were not Welshmen, oh no! _Mr. Punch_ has
+always asserted of the Welsh,--
+
+    "Taffy's not a thief."
+
+And it wasn't Taffy who went to PATTI'S house and stole a matter
+of seven pounds' worth of French francs. They found a box of M.
+NICOLINI'S cigars. But the thieves knew where to draw the line, and
+chucked the lot away in the garden, among the other weeds. They
+were "up to snuff," but not to tobacco in this form. Query, will M.
+NICOLINI'S friends be delighted to accept cigars from his case in
+future?
+
+       ***
+
+The Centenary of _Don Giovanni_ was celebrated at the two Universities
+by a banquet of the principal Dons.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BARTLETT'S BABY.
+
+  Welcome little Stranger! You
+  Are the darling of the Zoo,
+  BARTLETT'S babe, the public pet.
+  Lucky, lucky Zoo to get,
+  At a cost scarce worth the mention,
+  Living proof beyond contention
+  Of--oh! well, of whatsoever
+  _Savants_ sage and critics clever,
+  On their controversial mettle,
+  May--or maybe may _not_--settle.
+  Six-and-twenty years ago
+  (Buffers elderly may know)
+  Rose the great Gorilla feud;
+  Dr. GRAY was rather rude,
+  Rather on DU CHAILLU down,
+  And the shindy stirred the Town.
+  OWEN, great on brains and bones,
+  Lectured it in learned tones;
+  HUXLEY to the battle rushed;
+  Mutually they "pished" and "tushed"
+  In that calm and courteous way
+  _Savants_ have, when they're in fray.
+  _Mr. Punch_, with ample reason,
+  Called you "Lion of the Season,"
+  Great Gorilla. Now 'tis plain
+  The old fame revives again.
+  Happy BARTLETT! Lucky Ape!
+  Fortune comes in curious shape.
+  You perchance, oh simian child!
+  Might have roamed the Afric wild,
+  Like a nigger unreclaimed.
+  Unobserved, unknown, unnamed,
+  Fame concerning you quite dumb,
+  Even your "colossal thumb,"
+  By the scribes who columns vamp us,
+  Undescribed; your "hippo-campus"
+  (Whatsoever _that_ may be)
+  Not of notoriety.
+  Now!--Ah, infantine Gorilla,
+  Every small suburban villa
+  With your rising fame will ring;
+  All the sort of folk who bring
+  Buns unto the prisoned bear,
+  To your cage will come, and stare.
+  Buns? Oh, BARTLETT,--master sage,
+  Autocrat of den and cage!--
+  Nothing will begrudge, I'm sure,
+  That may nourish, please, or cure
+  His prognathous little pet.
+  Half the luxuries you'll get
+  Would leave satiate and cloyed
+  Any hungry "Unemployed."
+  Cakes--and, if you like it, Ale--
+  Oh, Gorilla, will not fail;
+  GUNTER'S you may sack at will,
+  Or, if you prefer to fill
+  Otherwise your dainty maw
+  Than with sweeties and stick-jaw,
+  Like the indiscriminate bear,
+  You may choose your Bill of Fare.
+  Toys? Ah, bring them, baby, quick;
+  Will a monkey on a stick
+  Touch a sympathetic chord?
+  Well, let's hope you won't be bored,
+  Baby Ape, by BARTLETT'S love,
+  And the crowds who'll stare and shove;
+  Long for Afric wild but free,
+  And a station "up a tree,"
+  Watching, with prehensile thumb,
+  For--whatever food may come.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "HERE'S ANOTHER GUY!"
+
+OR, THE BABY GORILLA AT THE ZOO.
+
+_Nurse Bartlett._ "HE SHALL HAVE A FIFTEEN-SHILLING PINE, HE SHALL!
+AND FINEST ENGLISH HOT-HOUSE GRAPES, HE SHALL! AND GOLD-DUST TOO, IF
+HE CRIES FOR IT, THE LITTLE DARLING!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VOCES POPULI.
+
+SCENE--_The People's Palace; In Building set apart for Poultry,
+Pigeon, and Rabbit Show. Stream of Visitors inspecting animals in zinc
+and wire pens._
+
+_Amandus Milendius (to Amanda Milendia: coming to a halt before cage
+containing "roopy"-looking fowl, with appearance of having been sent
+out on pair of legs several sizes too tall for it)._ They've 'ighly
+commended _'im_, yer see.
+
+_Amanda M. (who does not converse with facility)._ Um!
+
+    [_Looks at bird without seeing it._
+
+_Amandus._ Yes, they must ha' thought 'ighly of 'im before they'd
+commend him like that, yer know!
+
+_Amanda (wishing she was readier of response)._ Ah! (_The fowl winks
+slowly at her with his lower eyelid_). Come away--I don't like him!
+
+    [_They move on._
+
+_The Exhibitor (coming up and inspecting his bird with pride)._
+'Ere--JOE! (_Fowl shuts both eyes with a bored expression_). B'longs
+to _me_--that bird, Sir! (_To Bystander._)
+
+_Visitor (from the West; anxious to be agreeable)._ Ha, a fine
+bird--magnificent!
+
+_Exhibitor._ Bred 'im myself, Sir--he's a bit sleepy just now.
+(_Apologetically_). Wake up, ole chap! (_Fowl half opens one eye, and
+closes it immediately on perceiving proprietor._) _Knows_ me, yer see!
+
+_Visitor (with fatal rashness)._ A--a Brahma, isn't he?
+
+    [_Wonders what made him say that, and tries to think what Brahmas
+are like--when they are not locks._
+
+_Exhibitor (in tone of pitying reproach)._ _No,_ Sir--no.--Black Red
+_Bantam_, Sir!
+
+_Visitor (wishing he had remained vague)._ Oh--ah, just so--good
+evening.
+
+_A Cock (derisively)._ Crorky--rorky--roo!
+
+AT THE RABBIT PENS.
+
+_Another Exhibitor (accompanied by Friend with Catalogue)._ I ain't
+come across my Buck yet. He took a prize, I heerd. (_Stops at Cage._)
+Ah, this looks like him.... Third Prize, yer see--not so bad, eh?
+    [_Chuckles._
+
+_The Friend._ Hold on a bit! (_Refers to Catalogue._) "Number seven
+'underd and two. PARTON. Buck. Eight months." _Your_ name ain't
+PARTON.
+
+_Exhib._ Then it's mine in the next. _Second_ Prize! Better'n Third,
+that, ain't it?
+
+_The Friend._ They've got _that_ down as PARTON'S too.
+
+_Exhib._ Well, I _thought_ some'ow as----_this_ is him anyway. Look
+'ere! _First_ Prize! And deserves it, though I sez it myself!
+
+_Friend (not without a certain satisfaction)._ No--no, you're wrong
+again. I'll show you where _you_ are. See. "Seven 'underd and five. W.
+CROPPER. Buck. Ten months." _That's_ you!
+
+_Exhib. (incredulously)._ That? that ain't never _my_ cream buck!
+(_The rabbit remains wrapt in meditation._) I'll soon show yer.
+(_Blows in rabbit's face. Mutual recognition. Tableau._) It _is_ my
+buck! And only 'ighly commended! (_Recovering himself._) Well, I arsk
+you if he oughtn't to ha' done the other--him as they've given the
+First Prize to? Why, there ain't no comparison between them two
+rabbits!
+
+_The Cock (encouragingly)._ Crorky-rorky-roo!
+
+_The Friend (losing all further interest)._ Well, it's all chance
+like. Let's go and 'ave a look at them Lops.
+
+_Crowd of Admirers around pen containing gigantic gander._
+
+_First Admirer._ That's _WILKINSES'_ gander, that is.
+
+_Second Admirer._ A fine-grown bird, I _will_ say.
+
+    [_Handsomely, as if he would hardly have expected such a person as
+WILKINS to produce anything as good as THAT._
+
+_Third Admirer._ Monster, ain't he? Why, yer might _ride_ on him!
+
+_Small Child (pointing delightedly at the Gander)._ 'Ook, Mozzer,
+pitty duck!
+
+_Fond Parent (admiringly)._ I declare it's wonderful how quick he gets
+the names--it _is_ a fine duck!
+
+_The Cock (with a touch of correction)._ Crorky--rorky--roo!
+
+_A Connoisseur (inspecting pigeon)._ Now, _there's_ a nice
+pigeon--that _is_ a nice pigeon; but I tell yer what it is--he ain't
+got the space to do hisself justice in there. Give him a bigger pen,
+and a brick to stand on, and you'd soon see the difference!
+
+_Fellow Conn._ They ought to ha' give him more room to show off his
+tail in--else what's the good of a bird _'aving_ a tail, come to that?
+
+_First Conn. (sententiously)._ Ah, you've 'it it.
+
+_Competitor (apparently, unsuccessful)._ I say, (_with bitter
+sarcasm_) 'Are yer seen the pair as take a Fust? Birds I wouldn't pick
+up if I found 'em in the street--no, _that_ I wouldn't! Fust Prize to
+them--hor-hor! Well, the world's comin' to a pretty pass, I must say!
+Arter _that!_----    [_Eloquent aposiopesis._
+
+_Amandus (tolerantly, to Amanda)._ Well, pidgings _are_ pretty much
+alike, unless you've been brought up to know the differences. I 'ad a
+_Uncle_ a breeder.
+
+_Amanda (feeling that her ignorance is no longer a discredit)._ Then
+_you'd_ know!    [_They go out arm-in-arm, silent but sympathetic._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INTERIORS AND EXTERIORS. No. 52.
+
+[Illustration: PLATFORM ORATORY. By Our Travelling Special.
+
+[Our Politicians now, in humble imitation of the Great Original, are
+adopting the fashion of making speeches from railway carriages,
+or utilising the ten minutes allowed for refreshment by addressing
+constituents on the platform. The Railway Companies, in order to
+observe strict neutrality, should re-construct carriages to suit and
+carry the political leaders, and should re-build or increase existing
+stations on the line, so as to accommodate the public with various
+"platforms."]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Enter-tainments" are not now so much the object of our Fireproof
+Theatrical Managers as "Exit-tainments." At TERRY'S new theatre
+everyone feels perfectly secure. It is only the Lessee, who always
+appears terry-fied.
+
+       ***
+
+DEPARTURE OF DISTINGUISHED FURRY-NERS.--The _Standard_ said last week
+that two thousand live rabbits were on the eve of being despatched
+to British Columbia. Fifty thousand onions should be sent with them.
+What's a Rabbit without onions? _L'Onion fait la force._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER CHANCE FOR JOE AND JESSE.
+
+Mr. CAVE, long associated with theatrical management--re-opens
+Sadler's Wells on the fifth of November. We are assured that Mr.
+CHAMBERLAIN'S recent visit to Merrie Islington had nothing whatever to
+do with the forthcoming "good old-fashioned Grimaldi comic pantomime,"
+with which Mr. CAVE promises to entertain his patrons at Christmas
+time. Perhaps, after all, the Fisheries Commissioner is not going to
+Canada, but is going to join A. CAVE at Islington, for what on earth
+is the use of a "Grimaldi pantomime" without a "JOEY?" Then what
+a chance for him, in the good old Grimaldi style, to sing "Hot
+Collings," rewritten by his faithful accompanyist JESSE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TORCHLIGHT AND GUY FAWKES DAY.--Mr. GLADSTONE says that coming into
+collision with the Police on the subject of torches, "he would rather
+suffer torchers!"
+
+       ***
+
+MR. WILFUL BLUNT.--Whether the right of Free Speaking is permitted in
+Ireland or not, we would decline just now to decide. But certain BLUNT
+speaking was very soon stopped.
+
+       ***
+
+"AU PLAISIR."--Motto for AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS during the run of the
+present piece.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FOUR NOBLE BURGLARS.
+
+  A Baron, a Marquis, a Duke, and an Earl
+    Were dining together one evening at White's;
+  They were all overdone by the worry and whirl
+    Of a long London season's amusements and sights--
+  By the luncheons that stupify, dinners that tire,
+    Dull rides in the Row, deadly five o'clock teas,
+  At which fashion condemns you to gasp and perspire
+    While draining the cup of _ennui_ to the lees.
+
+  No pleasure they took in the joys of the table;
+    Though stalwart, they recked not to breakfast or sup--
+  E'en to plunge at _bezique_ they no longer were able,
+    For the fact was these nobles were deuced hard up!
+  Moaned the Marquis, "We're all in a state of depression;
+    As for me, my existence is simply a bore;
+  Let us strike a new line out--adopt some profession
+    Which no British Peer ever practised before."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  Then the Baron cried, "Listen, old chappies; I've hit
+    On a notion that's brilliant and perfectly new;--
+  Why shouldn't we four try to burgle a bit,
+    And wrest from the wealthy what's fairly our due?
+  Garotting is vulgar, and cruel to boot,
+    The pickpocket oft is despised when detected;
+  But burglary's just the profession to suit
+    A lover of enterprise, highly connected."
+
+  A paper was fetched, and his Grace read aloud
+    The following paragraph:--"Criminal Tips!
+  Young Nobles and Gentlemen under a cloud
+    Apply to Professor JEHOSHAPHAT FIPPS,
+  At his residence, 2, Sheppard Buildings, E.C.,
+    Where he nightly gives lessons, from seven till nine,
+  To youngsters of spirit, from prejudice free,
+    In arts which amusement with profit combine."
+
+  Next evening the Peers, fully dressed for their parts
+    In moleskin and highlows and flat beaver-caps,
+  Sought out the Professor with quick-throbbing hearts,
+    Their courage all but in a state of collapse.
+  Mr. FIPPS gave them seats; then politely inquired,
+    If aught to oblige them perchance he could do,
+  And replied, when they told him what 'twas they required,
+    "All right, noble sportsmen!--I'll soon put you through!"
+
+  He taught them to handle the jemmy with grace,
+    To frisk with the centrebit, toy with the file--
+  To flourish the fitful dark-lantern apace,
+    And wield the gay crowbar in elegant style;
+  With skeleton-keys to pick counting-house locks,
+    To ply the dumb saw and the chisel that's cold,
+  To prize up the lid of a banker's strong-box,
+    And the portals of burglar-proof safes to unfold.
+
+  When their Lordships were thoroughly versed in their trade,
+    And had passed their exams, in a masterly way,
+  They agreed that a dashing attempt should be made,
+    Their expertness to test without further delay.
+  Should they first try their hands at a light, easy job,
+    Not too risky, but graceful, artistic and neat,
+  Or essay a bold stroke the Exchequer to rob,
+    Or the merry Old Lady of Threadneedle Street?
+
+  At last they resolved that the best thing to do,
+    Was to try an experiment, just for a lark,
+  (And to keep their hands in for a lucrative _coup_,)
+    On a workman's abode near Victoria Park.
+  They hankered for something quite simple and plain,
+    Both suburban and poor, for their trial essay;
+  So they picked out a one-storeyed house down a lane,
+    Which they learned had been empty for many a day.
+
+  They commenced their attack in the dead of the night,
+    Scaled a wall, dug a tunnel, and cut through two floors,
+  Wrenched a lock off with stern, irresistible might,
+    And broke open some thoroughly unsecured doors.
+  For booty they hunted below and on high--
+    But naught could they find save a chunk of cold veal,
+  Till, down in the basement, they chanced to espy,
+    Near the back-kitchen sink a huge trapdoor of steel.
+
+  In a second the trap from its fastness they tore,
+    When, heaped up pell-mell, of all shapes and all sizes,
+  The gratified Peers beheld score upon score
+    Of grand and legitimate housebreakers' prizes,--
+  Tiaras of rubies and diamond _rivieres_,
+    Superb jewelled bracelets and brooches and rings,
+  Great emerald, sapphire, and pearl _solitaires_,
+    And all manner of precious, magnificent things.
+
+  As they gazed on these treasures with glittering eyes,
+    Lightly handling the gewgaws with delicate touches,
+  The Duke softly murmured, "Oh! what a surprise!
+    Why, some of these trinkets belong to the Duchess!"
+  "By Jove!" said the Marquis, "this carcanet here
+    Has been worn scores of times by my dowager-aunt!"
+  And the Baron rejoined, "It seems perfectly clear
+    That this squalid abode is a regular plant!"
+
+  "What a joke!" cried the Earl. "We have chanced on the ken
+    Of professional brethren, our seniors in guile,
+  And I think that, for young inexperienced men,
+    We have collared their plunder in workmanlike style.
+  Let us cull and remove these nefarious hoards--
+    We can turn the whole lot into cash at our leisure;
+  A delightful career is before us, my Lords,
+    A bright future of usefulness, profit, and pleasure!"
+
+  The next day they disposed of their swag for a plum,
+    And invested the proceeds in Spaniards and Turks,
+  After nobly deducting a moderate sum
+    For the Burglar's Relief Fund and other good works.
+  They paid all their creditors, kept up their rank.
+    Betted ponies and monkeys like regular "toppers;"
+  Till one night, as they'd just broken into a bank,
+    These deserving young nobles were nailed by the "coppers."
+
+  The Old Bailey was crowded one sunny May morn
+    With ladies arrayed in superlative frocks,
+  When the jury who sate on our nobles forlorn,
+    Found them guilty at once, without leaving the box.
+  And it thus came to pass, I regret to relate,
+    That these earnest, industrious, well-meaning Peers,
+  The pride of their order, the stay of the State,
+    Were condemned to pick oakum for twenty-one years!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A WORD FOR THE WAR-OFFICE.--Mrs. RAMSBOTHAM says it's all very well
+to talk about the parsimony of the War-Office; but she hears that the
+soldiers are provided with fatigue jackets, and thinks it's really
+kind of the Authorities to supply the men with something special to
+wear when they are tired.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW WE ADVERTISE NOW.
+
+[Illustration: SUGGESTION FOR UTILISING A NOW WELL-KNOWN MURAL
+DECORATION(?)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber's Notes
+
+A small number of minor typographical errors have been corrected.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+93, November 5, 1887, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, NOV. 5, 1887 ***
+
+***** This file should be named 37465.txt or 37465.zip *****
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