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diff --git a/37465.txt b/37465.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..797c2c5 --- /dev/null +++ b/37465.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1752 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 93, +November 5, 1887, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 93, November 5, 1887 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: September 17, 2011 [EBook #37465] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, NOV. 5, 1887 *** + + + + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, +Nigel Blower and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team +at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 93. + + + +November 5th 1887. + + + + +THE LETTER-BAG OF TOBY, M.P. + +FROM AN INTENDING EMIGRANT. + + _Liverpool, Saturday Noon._ + +[Illustration:] + +DEAR TOBY, + +My boat is on the shore, And my bark is on the sea, But before I +go, TO-BEE, I will write a line to thee. I am here to join the bark +aforesaid, which will presently convey JOSEPH and his fortunes to the +United States. As far as one can judge from the Press news telegraphed +here, the reception that awaits me is not very cordial. I have all my +life been conscious of a tendency to rub people down the wrong way. +Unhappily the consciousness is borne in upon me only after the evil +is effected. No succession of experience has effect upon my conduct. +HARTINGTON and I are pretty good friends now, but I daresay you will +remember the night, now a dozen years dead, when I rose from a seat +below the Gangway in the House of Commons and, amid frantic cheers +from the little Radical Party of which I was then a humble ornament, +denounced him as "_late_ the Leader of the Liberal Party." The Markiss +is now my friend and ally, and I might almost say patron. The time +is too short for me to recall a tithe of the nasty things I have +said about him and others who toil not, neither do they spin. With +GLADSTONE the process is reversed, but in the end is much the same. I +began by adulating him, and now no one can say that that is my precise +attitude towards him. + +It is more or less well as far as individuals are concerned. But I am +afraid I put my foot in it when, in defiance of historic warning, +I framed an indictment against a whole nation. Going out to the New +World on a mission of peace, I began by aggravating Canada and setting +up the back of the United States. When I reflect how easy it +would have been for me to say nothing, I stand amazed at my own +indiscretion. The only recompense I find in the situation is the +chagrin of the Markiss and his friends. They thought they had done +a nice stroke of policy in engaging me on this business. It is, of +course, not a new procedure. If I were still on the other side, I +should take delight in showing that herein, as in the matter of the +Convention with France just completed, they have taken a leaf out of +the book of their political opponents, and re-issued it with their own +imprimatur. The last time a Commissioner was sent out from England to +reason with the United States, GLADSTONE was in the Markiss's place, +and he selected STAFFORD NORTHCOTE as the agent. It was an excellent +device, tying in advance the hands of the enemy, who could scarcely +denounce a policy for the initiation and direction of which one of +their principal men was chiefly responsible. But what a difference +between STAFFORD NORTHCOTE and me!--a difference which the Markiss is +already beginning to realise. The proposal suited me well enough. It +would take me away from the country at a time when my presence here +only involves me in embarrassing controversy. Moreover, if I made a +great hit, and insured a successful Treaty, it would pave the way +for my return to my old position in the popular esteem. As for the +Markiss, my acceptance of the work would secure for him an ally on the +Opposition benches in the event of future debate arising out of the +Treaty, and would draw into close, personal union with his Party what +only natural modesty prevents me from alluding to as a formidable +antagonist. That was the little game; and for the sake of saying +something bitter, under the temptation to gird at an adversary that +had affronted me, I hopelessly spoiled it. + +Writing to you, _cher_ TOBY, in the confidence of friendly +correspondence (I suppose your letters are not opened at the Post +Office, Barkshire not being an Irish county) I will confess that I +really could not help it. It is not that I do not know better, but my +temper is perhaps a little peculiar. I am essentially a fighting-man. +If any one bites his thumb at me I will know the reason why, and no +considerations of what is politic will prevent me from returning a +blow. I know that some people think I'm almost to be pitied because +(as they put it) I have hopelessly thrown away a position which no one +but myself could have destroyed. They think I am politically done for. +We shall see. However it be, I shall not forget the wild joy of battle +that the events of the past year have purchased for me. I like it best +with my back to the wall in the House of Commons, when my old friends +jeer and howl at me, and the rapturous cheers of the Conservatives +testify their pleasure at seeing me of all men playing their game--as +they think. I confess things at the moment are not from any point of +view very bright. But I can afford to wait, strong in the assurance +that I can do better without the Liberal Party than the Liberal Party +can do without me. They call me a Dissentient, which reminds me of a +story I once heard about an aboriginal resident in the great country +whither I am now hastening. A red man was found wandering in the +depths of the forest with signs of perturbation manifest beneath +his manfully calm exterior. "Are you lost?" he was asked. "No," he +answered, "me no lost. Me here. Wigwam lost." It is not I that am a +Dissentient Liberal; it is the Liberal Party that is the Dissentient. + +Now here is the Mayor come to say that luncheon's ready, and so, +dropping into poetry again, I will say good-bye, With a sigh to those +who love me, And a smile to those who hate, And, whatever sky's above +me, Here's a heart for every fate. Yours faithfully, + + J. CH-MB-RL-N. + + * * * * * + +BOUNTIES TO FOREIGNERS. + +_First Passenger (in Underground Railway)._ We're such a frightfully +_insular_ nation! Ignorant, exclusive, say-nothing-to-nobody sort of +people! Think there's nothing beyond Straits of Dover--or Atlantic +Ocean. + +_Second Ditto (agreeing out of politeness)._ Horrible? By the bye, +that's a nice picture of the Paris Hippodrome, isn't it? + +_First Passenger (indifferently)._ Is it? But, as I was saying, +insularity is our---- + +_Second Ditto (startled)._ Hullo! By Jove!--no, it can't be true! Yes, +it is--here's an English newspaper taken to giving a column, a whole +column, of French news _in French!_ (_Humorously._) Very insular, +isn't it? + +_First Passenger (not understanding the point)._ Very. And, as I was +saying, it's our besetting sin. We hide our heads like ostriches, and +refuse to recognise the existence of foreigners. Then what does this +insularity mean? It means we're _isolated_--cut off from Europe--hated +by everybody. + +_Second Ditto (roused at last)._ I don't know what you call being +insular and isolated. French Plays are on at a London Theatre. An +Italian Exhibition's coming to Earl's Court. We get our music from +Germany, our singers from Italy, and our butter and eggs from Belgium +and Brittany; and, on the whole, don't you think London's about the +most Cosmopolitan Capital to be found anywhere? Ah, here's my Station. +Good morning! + + [_Jumps out in time to escape indignant retort. Exit._ + + * * * * * + +MAGAZINES IN BULK.--It is as impossible to "sample" a magazine by +a monthly number as it is to estimate the quality of a wine by the +glass. If you take a bottle you know something about it. Thus when we +see the _English Illustrated_ in volume we are fully able to +estimate its worth. The present volume is in every way equal to its +predecessors. Volume Fourteen of _St. Nicholas_ is one of those good +gifts that Brother JONATHAN sends us. It is a delightful collection +of child-poems, child-pictures, and child-lore. The editor, Miss MARY +MAPES DODGE knows full well how difficult it is to please those keen +critics, the children, but she has "dodged" it. + + *** + +THE MAC BATTENBERG.--_Mr. Punch_ is delighted to hear that mother and +child are doing well, and congratulates the Infant Princess on being +the first of the Royal Family to be born in Scotland since 1600. +Could not the next be born in Ireland? "The O'BATTENBERG," would be a +splendid title. + + *** + +LATEST FROM LICHFIELD.--DR. JOHNSON loved "a good hater." He ought to +have flourished next year--Hatey-hate! Ha! ha! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "EMPLOYMENT." + +_First Loafer._ "'SAY, MATE, IF THEY WAS TO PUT A SHOVEL IN YER 'ANDS, +AN' TELL YER TO GO TO WORK, WOULD YER TAKE IT?" + +_Second Loafer._ "'COURSE I WOULD." + +_First Loafer._ "WOULD YER USE IT?" + +_Second Loafer._ "'COURSE I WOULD?--LIKE A SHOT! I'D SPOUT IT!"] + + * * * * * + +ROBERT ON LUXURY. + +Alderman Sir RENERY KNIGHT, late Lord Mare, and one of the werry best +as we ever had, and so was his good wife, the Lady Maress, hapening +for to be a setting at the Manshun House when the LORD MARE was gorn +out for a ride somewheres, had to receive what I thinks is called a +Deputytashun--though not a bit like reel Deputys, who is all werry +rich--of poor working-men as ain't got not no work to do, and, like +the kind gennelman as he is, he gave 'em sum such capital adwice as to +the utter stoopidity of making theirselves noisy and disagreeable when +they wants to make people kindly dispoged towards 'em, and as to the +well-known fackt, that the best friends of the working-classes is them +as spends their money the most freest and the most liberalist, that +he set the hole City a ringing with it, and as always happens alike +in exacly similar cases, up starts a mere upstart of a Pollytickle +Economist--how I hates the werry sound of that larst word, which is +ony another name for stingyness and meanness and sham forgitfulness +of the pore Waiter--and says as it ain't true! Like his imperance +I think, but of coarse ewery body has a right to his own opinion, +however ridicklus it may be. But being a Lecturer, and therefore +I spose acustomed to use his tung pretty freely, he mite have been +xpected to have kept a civil one in his head when he rote his reply to +Sir RENERY. Instead of which he fust calls him incorrygible, which +I beleeve means that he carnt be conwicted, as if a Alderman and +Magistrate could be! He then writes of his "Colossal ignorance!" I +don't quite know what it means but I'm quite sure that however small +the Alderman's may be, the Lecturer's is ever so much bigger, as I'll +prove from my own pussonal knowledge. + +He acshally has the ordassity to adwise the Rite Honerable the LORD +MARE not to employ so many cooks! Poor hignoramus! has he ever dined +at the Manshun House on a trewly grate ocashun? Most suttenly not, or +he never would have written such a silly, not to say cruel sentence. +Not so many cooks indeed! Does he think that the Chef who has given +his whole mind to the preparing of the Thick and Clear Turtle, is not +so utterly xhausted that he has to drink two or three glasses of werry +old Madeary, and then lay down on his sophy and recover hisself +by slow degrees. Does he think that the Fish Cooks, with praps six +differing kinds of Fish to prepare, is fit for anything else? and how +about the Sauce Artists, let him try to emagine, tho' he'll try in +wain, what they has to go through in the tasting line. Then there are +the French gentlemen who superintend the production of those wunders +in what they calls the guestronommick line, wiz.: the _Ontrays!_ Is +it supposed by this "curlossal" hignoramus, that they can, after +achieving brilliant success in these wunders of hart, condescend to +turn their attention to such werry small deer as poultry and jints? +Suttenly not, the thing's absurd. But they requires cooks, tho' of +coarse, not of the same hi horder as the Hartists. + +But, strange to tell, ewen this is not the wust. Not only is the LORD +MARE adwised not to employ so many Cooks, but the trewly wunderful +reason is given, becoz he can then employ more railway navvies! Shades +of FRANK HURTELLY and SWOYHAY, rest tranquil in your long graves! + +But what a dedly hinsult to one of the werry noblest of all noble +perfessions, to compare for usefulness a mere railway navvy to a great +Chef. Is this strange economist aware that the great Earl of SEFTON, +prais to his memory! used to allow his Chef L300 a year and a Horse +and Broom for the Park! But all sitch conclusive arguments is I fear +utterly lost upon him. + +However, there is just one matter for which I have to thank him. I +confess that my face werry possibly turned gashly pale as I read his +orful letter, I fornatrally thort if he is going to recommend less +Cooks he may werry posserbly be a going for to recommend less Waiters! +But no, he had the good taste to draw his line there, and for that I +thanks him. What a treat it is to turn from the wild projecks of the +Lecterer to the wise counsels of the Alderman. No doubt, he says, we +could all do without luxuries, but what would become of the millions +who produces them? No doubt, he says, we could all live on plain food +and drink water--what orful words for a Alderman to write down!--but +then what would become of the millions who earns their living +in preparing them, and he might have added, as a clencher to his +staggering argument, and what would become of Hus? If there is one +picter that presents itself to my orrified imagination, that more than +any other staggers it, it is that of the hole splendid Army of London +Waiters, with their full dress black coats a gitting jist a leetle +shabby, and their lovely white chokers jest a leetle shady, a parading +the London Streets, and a singing in Chorus, "We've got no work +to do!" But no, I feels as that orful dream will never live to be +realised, but, to use the classic langwidge as the Lecturer quotes +from some frend of his, and which I supposes as he intends as a +complement, "let the idol rich still take their proper place as +drones in the hive, gorging at a feast to which they have contributed +nothing," and he might have added, and never never forgetting the +Waiter. + + ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +MR. PUNCH was pleased to notice that a certain noisy Salvationist, who +would insist on playing the cornet--did he profanely call it "The horn +of salvation?"--to the disturbance of quiet citizens, was made to move +on, and treated as a common street-organ nuisance by the Magistrate. +Wanted, as soon as possible, an Act to stop all unauthorised +Processions, be they what they may. + + *** + +The disastrous fire at WHITELEY'S occupied the entire attention of +thirty-four steam fire-engines, "leaving," says the _Standard_, +"about a dozen for the rest of London." The "rest" of London will +be considerably disturbed if this state of things continues. We are +under-police'd and under-fire-brigaded. If GRANDOLPH the Great +is afraid of becoming one of the Unemployed, and so getting into +mischief, let him turn his attention to supply and demand in this +direction, and the ex-Chancellor of the Exchequer may do some good. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE NOT-AT-ALL-AT-HOME SECRETARY. + +_Mr. General-Inspector Punch._ "NOW THEN, MATT, MOVE ON! DON'T +INTERFERE WITH THE POLICE IN THE EXECUTION OF THEIR DUTY." + + "_The change of tactics last week on the part of the Police, + in permitting a Meeting in Trafalgar Square, was said to + be due to the interference of the Home Secretary._"--_Daily + Papers._ +] + + * * * * * + +T'other and Which; or, an Old Saw re-set. + +_The Showman at Nottingham or Islington (exhibiting figures of G. O. +M. and Orchid Joe)._ Here you see the Separatist Party as large as +life! + +_Dubious Elector._ Please, which is the Separatist Party? + +_Showman._ Whichever you please, my little dear. You pays your money, +and you gives your vote. + + *** + +FREE AND VERY OPEN.--In Canterbury Cathedral, the other day, there was +only one worshipper present at the Service! The occurrence is declared +to be unprecedented, four having been the previous low-water-mark of +attendance. It might be described as "one-man rule," only it isn't the +rule, but the exception, it seems. If this sort of thing spreads, +the craze for restoring our Cathedrals ought to give way to a cry +for restoring their congregations. Was the Service altered to "Dearly +Beloved Brother" or "Sister?" + + * * * * * + +SHOWS VIEWS. + +_By Victor Who-goes-Everywhere._ + +[Illustration] + +M. COQUELIN is at the Royalty with an efficient French Company +appearing in a round of his best-known characters. He has already +taken part in _Un Parisien, Don Caesar de Bazan_ and an entirely new +piece (first time in London and elsewhere) _L'Aine_. This last I had +the pleasure of seeing the other evening, and was delighted to +find that it was a play that could be safely recommended as a fit +entertainment for their charge to the guardians of that apparently +very easily-influenced infant, "The Young Person." It is rather +suggestive of several English original pieces, amongst the rest +_Miriam's Crime_ and _Faded Flowers_. The adopted daughter (rescued +as a child from the gutter) of a millionnaire, after her protector's +death, undertakes the reformation of her benefactor's brother, who +takes, through intestacy, the whole of his senior's estate. To carry +this out effectively, the young lady prevents the heir from drinking +his _chasse_ after his coffee, and playing a game of _ecarte_ with an +old friend, for love, and finally offers to marry him. The heir is as +quiet as a lamb under these inflictions, until he discovers that +his _fiancee_ loves some one else, when he proposes, at the earliest +possible moment, to commit suicide. This inconvenient intention is +prevented, the adopted daughter marries the man of her choice, and +the heir goes back to America, thus all ends happily. COQUELIN, as the +heir, was seen to very great advantage in the less sentimental parts +of the character, but was not quite so successful when he commenced +crying over the portrait of _L'Aine_, which, by the way, was a very +excellent likeness (without the eyeglass) of the Right Hon. JOSEPH +CHAMBERLAIN. For the rest Madame MALVAU was rather a mature adopted +daughter, M. ROMAIN (as "_Georges_--her friend") a little too heavy in +more senses than one as the superfluous lover, and M. DUQUESNE a +very excellent lawyer. There is nothing particularly brilliant in the +writing, and only one line raises a laugh. When the vagabond friend +of the heir extends his hand, _M. Vivien_, without a movement, merely +asks, "_Combien?_" But on its repetition this admirable joke did not +"go" quite so well. Still there is a freshness in the central idea +of the play which is welcome. As a rule every one on the French stage +weeps over somebody's mother, but in this case the tears were reserved +for somebody's brother. It is said that the Author of the piece, M. +PAUL DELAIR, is a novice at stage-craft. This seems to me very +likely, as had he had more experience, I fancy he would have allowed +(especially if he had known that the character was going to be played +by M. ROMAIN) _M. Georges_ to have been shot dead in the First Act. +This would have been really a great improvement, especially had +_Yveline_ (the adopted daughter) been allowed to expire from grief +early in the Second. Joking apart, _L'Aine_ is not half a bad piece, +although I cannot conscientiously go so far as to say that it is half +a good one. Before the engagement of M. COQUELIN is over, the talented +actor has promised to play _Gringoire_. No doubt this will be +produced for the benefit of Mr. BEERBOHM TREE, who richly deserves the +compliment. + +[Illustration] + +The Paris Hippodrome has once more taken possession of Olympia, where +it seems likely to remain until well into next year. The entertainment +is of the customary quality, which is saying a great deal in its +praise. There are excellent _troupes_ of acrobats and performing +dogs (with a wonderful black poodle that is the best clown that +has appeared in a Circus for many a long year), chariot-races, and +horsemanship in all its branches. This season the Ladies have it all +their own way. The last time M. HOUCKE visited us, Gentlemen drove +the team of thirty-two, and jumped over the hurdles with the tandem of +three; now their places are supplied by members of the fairer sex. The +horses who take part in these feats are so admirably trained that +the element of danger is entirely eliminated, and, consequently, the +change is an improvement. Then an accomplished cob and an elegant +elephant take a turn together in more senses than one, for they dance +_vis-a-vis_ a waltz and a polka. The novelty of the Show, however, is +kept for the second part, and is apparently a page from the Algerian +experiences of General BOULANGER. The attention of a tribe of Arabs +(seemingly on their road to church) having been attracted to a +military train containing a bugle-band of Turcos and some half-dozen +soldiers of the French line, devotions are temporarily abandoned for a +pitched battle. The Arabs fire upon the Europeans, who, however, +after a lively skirmish, succeed in "taking up a position" with the +bugle-band, and then retire. The Arabs bearing no ill-will, dancing +follows, and the fighting being quite over and forgotten, General +BOULANGER, accompanied by a Staff, swaggers in and assists at further +military exercises. Then the bugle-band heads the procession of French +and Arabs, and, after marching past BOULANGER, _exeunt_. The attack +upon the train, if a little perplexing from a purely historical point +of view, is capitally managed, and very exciting. Since the opening +night the large hall has been very well attended; and now that the +American Exhibition is closed, may be expected to be crowded--and a +crowded audience at the Addison Road cannot be recorded in less than +five figures. "The Wild West is gone--long live Olympia!" + +A second visit to the Royal Westminster Aquarium has not improved my +opinion of "the Wolves, the Wolves, the Wolves!" (see Advertisement) +as a pleasure-insuring entertainment. I have already said that the +tricks of these animals cause a "creepy" sensation, and when I made +this observation I referred to the "kissing act," wherein a wolf +embraces the portly person in the Polish lancer's uniform who has +trained it. But the fights between master and brutes are even less +tolerable, as may be judged to be the case when I say that, on +a recent occasion when I was present, the trainer seemed to be a +good-half-hour (no doubt it was an infinitely less period of time) in +getting one of his wild beasts into its allotted cage. It is not at +all a nice sight to see a man beating a snapping and yelping wolf with +a whip, for one feels that there is the element of cruelty on both +sides. Take it allround, I prefer "the _belle_ FATMA,"--that is, +taking her all round, on which I need hardly say I should not +venture,--to "the Wolves, the Wolves, the Wolves!" And I sincerely +hope that FATMA (the old lady near her looks more like Fat Ma) may +always be able to keep the wolf from her door. + + * * * * * + +GENTLE JOHNNY BULL. + + The way with "demonstrations" tyrants used to take was brief-- + Justices gave a rioter the guerdon of a thief! + Not only durance vile--our gentler nature how it shocks-- + But whipping-cheer, and oh! they set their Brother in the Stocks! + + In those days a Stump-Orator had reason to take care, + How he denounced, derided, and defied the Powers that were. + And if he talked High Treason--Imagine this, my dears! + They put him in the pillory, and sometimes clipped his ears. + + A People's Friend, unless he took good heed to what he said, + Was liable to answer for his language with his head. + How venerable soever, a too talkative old Cock, + His eloquence might bring him, though a Statesman, to the block. + + But happily we, Brethren, now are men of milder mood, + And not, as were our ancestors, vindictive, stern, and rude. + So much has done the milk of human kindness to assuage, + The bile of British hardihood in this forbearing age! + + * * * * * + +MR. GLADSTONE ON THE FIFTH OF NOVEMBER. + +SIR,--You are wrong in supposing that the term, "Old Fireworks," was +originally applied to myself. I am of opinion, though I speak under a +certain amount of correction, not such, however, as my young friend, +GRANDOLPH, would like to supply, that the term Old Fireworks was first +applied to the celebrated _Mr. Pickwick_, though upon what occasion +and by whom I cannot at this moment call to mind. To your second +question, as to whether I approve of the conduct of _Mr. Samuel +Weller_ in resisting the Head Constable _Grummer_, I should say that, +considering the provocation offered, _Mr. Weller_ seems to have acted +with remarkable self-restraint. + + Yours faithfully, G. O. M. + +P.S. Chips, real good chips, warranted quite dry, and only waiting for +a match to set them in a blaze, may now be had at Hawarden Lodge at +the ridiculously small charge of three-pence a piece, or two shillings +and five-pence halfpenny per dozen. Immediate application personally +or by letter is recommended. Also a copy of Nottingham speech and the +Mitchelstown telegram, which, should any difficulty be experienced in +kindling a bonfire, will at once set the heap into a splendid blaze. +My song and chorus-- + + Remember, remember, + The Mitchelstown ember, + +and so forth, ought to be ready at all respectable music-publishers +by November 3rd. 2s. 6d. per copy. Great reduction for clubs, schools, +&c. Chips! Chips! in the name of the Profit! Chips! G. O. M. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "LIKELY TO GET ON IN LIFE." + +_Papa._ "IF I GIVE YOU SIXPENCE, AND TELL YOU TO BUY FIVE PENNY +PAPERS, HOW MUCH CHANGE WILL YOU BRING BACK TO ME?" + +_Sharp Boy (considering)._ "WELL, PAPA--LET ME SEE--IF YOU GAVE ME +SIXPENCE----" + +_Papa._ "YES--YES. HOW MUCH CHANGE TO BRING BACK TO ME?" + +_Sharp Boy (readily, and with decision)._ "NONE--NOT IF YOU GAVE ME +THE SIXPENCE!" + + [_Papa determines to put the question in a different way next time._ +] + + * * * * * + +TO THE INCOMPLETE (POLITICAL) ANGLER. + + O BRUMMAGEM JOSEPH, my boy, will you halt on + Your sturdy, but scarce diplomatical way, + And take from an ancient disciple of WALTON + A few friendly hints about patience and "play"? + As an Angler you have _Mr. Punch's_ best wishes, + But _do_ you consider it wise, ere you start + To throw stones in the water, and stir up the fishes? + That's scarcely the right piscatorial art. + No, stillness and silence, and delicate tact, Sir, + Are needed for handling the rod and the reel. + You may pelt and may splash, but you'll find it a fact, Sir, + Who frightens the fishes will not fill his creel. + + *** + +HADWICE GRATIS.--The Vaudeville Theatre announces a new play by Mr. +ENERY HAUTHOR JONES, called _Heart of Hearts_. To popularise it for +Town use, much better call it _'Art of 'Arts_ at once. + + *** + +NEW ORDER (_not issued from the Horse Guards._)--The entire British +Army to be submitted to a Fortnightly Review for the next three months +at least. + + *** + +MEM. FOR POLICE BY GENERAL-INSPECTOR PUNCH.--Stop the Orators in +Trafalgar Square, and let the Fountains be the only ones to spout. + + *** + +'ARRY STRATFORD-ATTE-BOW'S FRENCH MOTTO FOR THE FIFTH OF +NOVEMBER.--"_Toujours Guy._" + + * * * * * + +OUR ADVERTISERS. + +INVERTED, EDUCATIONAL, MEDICINAL, AND MISCELLANEOUS. + +WANTED, BY AN INCORRIGIBLE LITTLE BOY, whose Parents have threatened +to send him away from home on account of his perpetually insufferable +conduct, a suitable domicile, where he will be afforded every facility +for continuing it without hindrance and interruption. A quiet old +country clergyman, and his wife, both a little short-sighted, and hard +of hearing, occupying a retired Vicarage, that is in want of a little +waking up, might write. House must be conveniently arranged for the +setting of booby-traps, possess a good old-fashioned striking-clock, +with accessible inside, a get-at-able upstairs' cistern, a +dinner-gong, and plenty of bells. Bedroom might be furnished with +a view to an occasional display of fireworks. Staircase with good +top-to-bottom slide-down balusters indispensable. Would be glad to +hear if there is a powerful garden-engine, in good working-order, +on the premises; and also whether there is a decent sweetstuff and +gunpowder-shop within easy distance. Apply by letter to "TARTAR," +Scarum Hall, Flingover, Notts. + + *** + +THE PRINCIPAL OF A YOUNG GENTLEMAN'S ACADEMY, who has, in turns, been +a Stock-jobber, a Solicitor struck off the Rolls, a Light Comedian, an +Undertaker, a Professor of Calisthenics, and a Hansom-cab Driver, and +has now taken to the Education of Youth as a last resource to make +ends meet, is anxious to hear from a sufficient number of dupes, in +the shape of parsimonious Parents, to enable him to start his scheme, +and see whether he can make anything out of it. They must be fools +enough to believe that a thoroughly high-class, commercial, and +classical education, including instruction in five modern languages, +fitting the recipients for immediate entry into either the Church, +the Army, or the Bar can be furnished, together with the use of an +extensive swimming bath and gymnasium, and an unlimited supply of the +very best diet, without any charge for washing, books, or extras, +for twenty guineas per annum. The fact that a retired waiter from a +Boulogne Restaurant takes charge of the Modern Languages, while the +Higher Mathematics and swimming are entrusted to a late Custom House +Officer, and the Classical and other Departments, are under the +immediate supervision of the Principal, may be taken as a guarantee +that the advertised curriculum is scrupulously and efficiently carried +out. Apply for further Particulars to "PRINCIPAL," Uncertificated +Tutors Association, S.E. + + *** + +WANTED, BY THE PROPRIETOR OF A PATENT MEDICINE, a nervous and +confiding Client who after reading a whole newspaper advertising +column of diseases, and persuading himself that he is afflicted with +most of them, will believe that by an outlay of 1s. 11/2d., he can +entirely cure himself of the whole lot of them on the spot. He must +not be disheartened if the first trial produces no effect. On the +contrary, if the nostrum appears to develop fresh and disagreeable +symptoms, he must manfully persevere, and face in turn neuralgia, +rheumatic gout, fever, lumbago, sciatica, incipient paralysis, and +even greater complications, rather than relinquish the remedy when he +has once had recourse to it. In this way, it is obvious, he will not +only be able to afford a permanent support to the sale of a dangerous +and deleterious compound, but will, by its continual use, effectually +and completely succeed in ultimately shattering his own constitution. +Apply, "PROPRIETOR," Jollop's Specific Restorator, Patent Medicine +Works, Pill Hill, N.E. + + *** + +WANTED, A QUITE INEXPERIENCED HORSEMAN, to purchase, on the +recommendation of a tricky Job Master, a thoroughly unsound and +spavined Bay Cob that will be represented as having been "parted with" +by its late owner, "a sporting Duke," for "no fault whatever." The +creature, however, that is short in the wind, swollen at the hocks, +an ugly stepper, and has not a single good point about it, having +recently, when in the funeral business, kicked in a hearse, it has +been decided to palm it off on the first unsuspecting purchaser that +turns up as "quiet to ride" and going "nicely in harness," and it may +confidently be relied upon to throw an unskilful or aged rider, or +smash up a brougham at the very earliest opportunity. As it has also, +at a previous period in its career, served as a trick horse at a +Circus, and will, on meeting a German band, sit down on its haunches, +it might be safely secured by any equestrian to whom some astonishment +and a little music mingled with his morning's ride might prove a +pleasing experience. Can be seen at GULLY'S Stables, Blinder Street, +S.W. + + *** + +A FEW THOROUGHLY UNSUSPECTING TENANTS wanted by a Jerry Builder, who +has just run up a terrace of new houses anyhow, and is anxious to see +if anybody can manage to live in them. None of the doors shut, all the +windows let in draughts, and there are practically no drains. As the +walls are one brick thick, and the playing of a piano can be heard +through six houses, neighbours of a conversational turn might find a +residence in them advantageous. Warranted to come down with a run in a +high wind. Apply, "Builder," Dustbin Terrace, Killingham Road, E. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD WISH TO HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY. + +_Guest._ "WELL, GOOD-BYE, OLD MAN!--AND YOU'VE REALLY GOT A VERY NICE +LITTLE PLACE HERE!" + +_Host._ "YES; BUT IT'S RATHER BARE, JUST NOW. I HOPE THE TREES WILL +HAVE GROWN A GOOD BIT BEFORE YOU'RE BACK, OLD MAN!"] + + * * * * * + +CONVENTION-AL POLITENESS. + +_Madame France (with effusion)--_ + + "And doth not a meeting like this make amends?" + +I trust I have quoted with textual accuracy your so charming, and to +the actual situation happily appropriate poet? + +_Mr. Bull (avec empressement)._ It does--or perhaps I should say +doth--indeed, Madam. As to the bit from the bard--well, may its +appropriateness never be less! How much pleasanter than the grim +dictum of an elder rhymester, who referred to your people as those + + "Whom nature hath predestined for our foes, + And made it bliss and virtue to oppose." + +_Madame France._ The barbarian! Oppose, indeed! Why should we oppose +each other, dear Monsieur BULL? + +_Mr. Bull._ Why, indeed? + +_Madame France._ True, your bellicose Lord PALMERSTON did oppose my +great FERDINAND'S grand idea, and that from motives the most insular +and unenlightened. Just as some few poltroons in your sea-girt isle +at present oppose the Channel Tunnel, which yet, in good time, will +doubtless become as benign an actuality as the Suez Canal itself. + +_Mr. Bull._ Humph! PAM had perhaps his reasons, which, in the light +of subsequent events, one must admit not to have been without their +weight. + +_Madame France._ Oh, Monsieur BULL! "Greater freedom of intercourse +between nations is the tendency of our industrial and social +development, and the tide of human intelligence cannot be arrested by +_vague fears_." So I read in a pamphlet on the Tunnel. How true, is it +not? + +_Mr. Bull._ Doubtless; as true as that the tide of invasion could not +be arrested by cosmopolitan cant. + +_Madame France._ Invasion? Fie, Monsieur BULL! In the new lexicon of +international amity there is no such word. + +_Mr. Bull._ If the excision of the _word_ could absolutely abolish the +possibility of the thing, all would be well--between you and Germany, +for instance. + +_Madame France._ _Sacre-e-e!_ I beg pardon. Expletives should also +be banished from civility's lexicon. But BISMARCK is a _monstre_, a +_miserable_,--whereas you----! [_Bows sweetly._ + +_Mr. Bull._ Inarticulate flattery, Madam, is irresistible--and +unanswerable. The renewal--if, indeed, it was ever _really_ +interrupted--of the _entente cordiale_ between us, is a blessed boon +not to be matched in value by a hundred--Tunnels! + +_Madame France._ And this Convention is the sign and seal of that +renewal, _n'est-ce-pas_? I _knew_ you never intended to stop in Egypt. + +_Mr. Bull._ Longer than was necessary--assuredly not, Madam. And I was +_certain_ the New Hebrides had no real charms to permanently arrest +your feet. + +_Madame France._ Though a _pied a terre_ in Raraitea, of course--you +comprehend, Monsieur! + +_Mr. Bull._ Perfectly. The questions of Egypt and the New Hebrides, of +our post near the Pyramids, and your Protectorate near Tahiti, have, +of course, no real connection. + +_Madame France._ Obviously, Monsieur! Are they not dealt with in +separate Conventions? + +_Mr. Bull._ Ah! if all quarrels--I beg pardon, political +problems--could as easily be settled by a Conventional Act! + +_Madame France._ How welcome to you, Monsieur, to all parties in +your Parliament, to the "rescuers" as to the "retirers," to your +Lord CHAMBERLAIN, as well as to your Grand Old GLADSTONE, must be the +prospect of an early, not to say immediate withdrawal from the Land of +the Pharaohs! Surely the fugitive Israelites of old never left it with +such pleased promptitude as _you_ will--"scuttle out" of it! Have I +accurate memory of the Beaconsfieldian phrase, Monsieur? + +_Mr. Bull._ Your memory, Madam, is miraculous. The forty +centuries--_or, however, many more there may happen to be there at +the moment of my departure_--will doubtless, in the words of your own +great phraser, "look down from the Pyramids" with emotions not less +marked than my own--and yours, Madam. + +_Madame France._ My emotions at the present moment--and yours, I +hope, Monsieur--are simply of supreme joy at the so happy removal of +difficulties and the so complete restoration of amity between us by +this charming Convention, so satisfactory in its actual terms, so +much more so _in its promises for the future_. I felicitate you, dear +Monsieur BULL. + +_Mr. Bull._ And I, Madam, reciprocate your felicitations. (_Aside._) +It pleases her, apparently, and I do not see that it can possibly hurt +me! [_Left bowing._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CONVENTION-AL POLITENESS. + +JOHN BULL. "DELIGHTED, MY DEAR MADAM! IT PLEASES YOU, +AND--(_Aside_)--IT DOESN'T HURT _ME_!!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SPEEDING THE PARTING GUEST. + +_Host (who has trod on the Lady's Skirt)._ "OH! FORGIVE ME! YOU SEE +IT'S MY NATURAL INSTINCT TO DETAIN YOU!"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +"_My Autobiography and Reminiscences_," by W. P. FRITH, R.A. The +Modern Hogarth, painter of "_Ramsgate Sands_," "_The Derby Day_," and +"_The Road to Ruin_," can use his pen as well as his pencil. "Where +got thou that goose-quill?" as _Macbeth_ would have said, had +SHAKSPEARE wished him to do so. How is it that Mr. FRITH has never +employed his goose-quill before? Sometimes it is soft-nibbed, and +occasionally hard-nibbed, but it is almost always well pointed; and, +though he writes with an overflowing pen--for he frequently has to +check his impulsive waywardness--yet there is scarcely a blot on the +paper throughout the two volumes. + +Mr. FRITH is, first and foremost, a humorist, and, in his humour, +so like THACKERAY, and so unlike DICKENS, that it is no wonder, +considering the consistent inconsistency of human nature, he should +have loved the latter, and disliked the former. Yet, with all +his aversion to THACKERAY, personally--and "all his works" too, +apparently, as he hardly mentions them--he records something very +remarkable about the Satirist of the Snobs which could not be guessed +at from THACKERAY'S own letters, nor from the anecdotes told about +him. And it is this; that THACKERAY could make, and on occasion did +make an excellent after-dinner speech. At the Macready banquet with +BULWER LYTTON and DICKENS present, Mr. FRITH tells us, "THACKERAY also +spoke well and very humorously." And there are three other instances; +so that THACKERAY, who has recounted his own failure at the Literary +Fund dinner, and whose utter collapse at the Cornhill Magazine dinner +is a matter of Literary history, was not always a mistake as an +after-dinner speaker. The modesty exhibited by Mr. FRITH in this +autobiography is an exhibition as novel and attractive as was FRITH'S +other exhibition in Bond Street,--because few autobiographers possess +so keen a sense of humour as to be able to laugh at themselves, and to +be candid about their own foibles and follies. Indeed some persons may +think, and indeed he inclines to this opinion himself, that he goes +too far in his frankness when narrating the practical jokes of that +unscrupulous and cruel _farceur_ SOTHERN the actor, in some of which +the autobiographer appears to have played a small, but not altogether +unimportant part. In his way Mr. FRITH is as frank and open in his +revelations as to his past career, as was Cardinal NEWMAN in his +straightforward _Apologia pro sua vita_. In fact in these SOTHERN +latitudes--there was a great deal of latitude in that quarter--Mr. +FRITH'S work is suggestive less of an autobiography than of a +naughty-biography. He owns that he feels "humiliated and pained" at +recounting THACKERAY'S rude jocularity towards himself, and from the +apologetic tone with which he introduces some of SOTHERN'S caddish +practical jokes, in which Mr. FRITH had no share, and of which he was +not the victim, it may be inferred that he had already begun to feel +"humiliated and pained" at having given so much space to such stories. +How glad he must now be that he kept a "dear Diary," which has been an +invaluable aid to his memory. + +Another great merit in the book is that, without ever sacrificing its +character as an Autobiography, it is never egotistical; egoism being +the great "I-sore" of such works. Should the humble individual who +writes this necessarily brief notice ever arrive at the time for +publishing his Recollections, he is perfectly sure that the book will +be unequalled as a work of imagination. Mr. FRITH tells us how he +improved his pictures by touching them up,--some people, too, are +occasionally improved by the same process, if the "touching up" is +only done judiciously,--and his self-restraint is therefore really +admirable when he rejects the temptation to embellish, or spice, a +story which no one is likely to contradict. For instance, in what may +be called the Sass-age portion of his early life, he has some amusing +anecdotes about Mr. JACOB BELL, then an Art student. BELL drew a man +hanging, and SASS, the master, told him to leave the studio, "as +such a career," as the man hanging, "is a bad example to your +fellow-pupils." Now Mr. FRITH ought to have given BELL a triumphant +exit speech--he ought to have said to SASS, "Sir, I was only +illustrating what should be the fate of every one of your successful +pupils--_to be hung on the line_. Good day." Exit BELL. Then he +recounts how JACOB BELL, who, like SOTHERN, had a taste for such +practical jokes as are utterly indefensible on the score of good taste +and gentlemanly feeling, dressed up as a woman, and went to a +Quakers' Meeting House, where he sat among the female portion of the +congregation. Thinking he was discovered, this nice young man "took +fright," and bolted. Here Mr. FRITH should have made the jovial JACOB +subsequently explain that "he left because the women were all jealous +of him, as he was the only 'BELL' among them." Mr. FRITH, full of his +fun, jests, and humour, must be congratulated on having stuck to the +truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. + +And if anyone wants a first-rate ghost-story for the coming Christmas +time, let him get Mr. FRITH'S book, and read how the prosaic and +sensible Mr. WESTWOOD saw a ghost. It is simply but exquisitely told, +and were it not that Mr. FRITH had previously owned to his complicity +with SOTHERN in some of his "spiritualistic" demonstrations, there +would be no sort of ground for suspecting him capable of joking on +such serious subjects. The book is full of good stories, among which +_The Mysterious Sitter_ and _Beckford at Fonthill_ are about the best. +There is already a rail round MUDIE'S counter, and in front of all +SMITH'S stalls, to keep off the crowds from taking away FRITH'S latest +production without paying. Many of us are eye-witnesses to the fact +of the rails in front of SMITH'S bookstalls all the way down the +line wherever a train runs. Mr. FRITH'S very good health, and, as his +friend _Rip-Van-Winkle_ JEFFERSON used to say, "May he live long an' +prosber." + +_De Omnibus Rebus_, by the author of _Flemish Interiors_. An odd book +to be taken up at odd times. Amusing and chatty with a good deal of +shrewd observation. He who rides may read; and as it is published by +NIMMO, this firm in this instance might adopt the old Latin motto, +"_'Nimmo' mortalium omnibus horis sapit_;" i.e. "NIMMO is wise to +bring out a book for the omnibus hours of mortals." + + OUR OWN BOOKWORM. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration] + +Madame PATTI'S house, in some unpronounceable Welsh place, was broken +into by burglars. We hope they didn't rob her of any notes. The +thieves came from Town--they were not Welshmen, oh no! _Mr. Punch_ has +always asserted of the Welsh,-- + + "Taffy's not a thief." + +And it wasn't Taffy who went to PATTI'S house and stole a matter +of seven pounds' worth of French francs. They found a box of M. +NICOLINI'S cigars. But the thieves knew where to draw the line, and +chucked the lot away in the garden, among the other weeds. They +were "up to snuff," but not to tobacco in this form. Query, will M. +NICOLINI'S friends be delighted to accept cigars from his case in +future? + + *** + +The Centenary of _Don Giovanni_ was celebrated at the two Universities +by a banquet of the principal Dons. + + * * * * * + +BARTLETT'S BABY. + + Welcome little Stranger! You + Are the darling of the Zoo, + BARTLETT'S babe, the public pet. + Lucky, lucky Zoo to get, + At a cost scarce worth the mention, + Living proof beyond contention + Of--oh! well, of whatsoever + _Savants_ sage and critics clever, + On their controversial mettle, + May--or maybe may _not_--settle. + Six-and-twenty years ago + (Buffers elderly may know) + Rose the great Gorilla feud; + Dr. GRAY was rather rude, + Rather on DU CHAILLU down, + And the shindy stirred the Town. + OWEN, great on brains and bones, + Lectured it in learned tones; + HUXLEY to the battle rushed; + Mutually they "pished" and "tushed" + In that calm and courteous way + _Savants_ have, when they're in fray. + _Mr. Punch_, with ample reason, + Called you "Lion of the Season," + Great Gorilla. Now 'tis plain + The old fame revives again. + Happy BARTLETT! Lucky Ape! + Fortune comes in curious shape. + You perchance, oh simian child! + Might have roamed the Afric wild, + Like a nigger unreclaimed. + Unobserved, unknown, unnamed, + Fame concerning you quite dumb, + Even your "colossal thumb," + By the scribes who columns vamp us, + Undescribed; your "hippo-campus" + (Whatsoever _that_ may be) + Not of notoriety. + Now!--Ah, infantine Gorilla, + Every small suburban villa + With your rising fame will ring; + All the sort of folk who bring + Buns unto the prisoned bear, + To your cage will come, and stare. + Buns? Oh, BARTLETT,--master sage, + Autocrat of den and cage!-- + Nothing will begrudge, I'm sure, + That may nourish, please, or cure + His prognathous little pet. + Half the luxuries you'll get + Would leave satiate and cloyed + Any hungry "Unemployed." + Cakes--and, if you like it, Ale-- + Oh, Gorilla, will not fail; + GUNTER'S you may sack at will, + Or, if you prefer to fill + Otherwise your dainty maw + Than with sweeties and stick-jaw, + Like the indiscriminate bear, + You may choose your Bill of Fare. + Toys? Ah, bring them, baby, quick; + Will a monkey on a stick + Touch a sympathetic chord? + Well, let's hope you won't be bored, + Baby Ape, by BARTLETT'S love, + And the crowds who'll stare and shove; + Long for Afric wild but free, + And a station "up a tree," + Watching, with prehensile thumb, + For--whatever food may come. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "HERE'S ANOTHER GUY!" + +OR, THE BABY GORILLA AT THE ZOO. + +_Nurse Bartlett._ "HE SHALL HAVE A FIFTEEN-SHILLING PINE, HE SHALL! +AND FINEST ENGLISH HOT-HOUSE GRAPES, HE SHALL! AND GOLD-DUST TOO, IF +HE CRIES FOR IT, THE LITTLE DARLING!"] + + * * * * * + +VOCES POPULI. + +SCENE--_The People's Palace; In Building set apart for Poultry, +Pigeon, and Rabbit Show. Stream of Visitors inspecting animals in zinc +and wire pens._ + +_Amandus Milendius (to Amanda Milendia: coming to a halt before cage +containing "roopy"-looking fowl, with appearance of having been sent +out on pair of legs several sizes too tall for it)._ They've 'ighly +commended _'im_, yer see. + +_Amanda M. (who does not converse with facility)._ Um! + + [_Looks at bird without seeing it._ + +_Amandus._ Yes, they must ha' thought 'ighly of 'im before they'd +commend him like that, yer know! + +_Amanda (wishing she was readier of response)._ Ah! (_The fowl winks +slowly at her with his lower eyelid_). Come away--I don't like him! + + [_They move on._ + +_The Exhibitor (coming up and inspecting his bird with pride)._ +'Ere--JOE! (_Fowl shuts both eyes with a bored expression_). B'longs +to _me_--that bird, Sir! (_To Bystander._) + +_Visitor (from the West; anxious to be agreeable)._ Ha, a fine +bird--magnificent! + +_Exhibitor._ Bred 'im myself, Sir--he's a bit sleepy just now. +(_Apologetically_). Wake up, ole chap! (_Fowl half opens one eye, and +closes it immediately on perceiving proprietor._) _Knows_ me, yer see! + +_Visitor (with fatal rashness)._ A--a Brahma, isn't he? + + [_Wonders what made him say that, and tries to think what Brahmas +are like--when they are not locks._ + +_Exhibitor (in tone of pitying reproach)._ _No,_ Sir--no.--Black Red +_Bantam_, Sir! + +_Visitor (wishing he had remained vague)._ Oh--ah, just so--good +evening. + +_A Cock (derisively)._ Crorky--rorky--roo! + +AT THE RABBIT PENS. + +_Another Exhibitor (accompanied by Friend with Catalogue)._ I ain't +come across my Buck yet. He took a prize, I heerd. (_Stops at Cage._) +Ah, this looks like him.... Third Prize, yer see--not so bad, eh? + [_Chuckles._ + +_The Friend._ Hold on a bit! (_Refers to Catalogue._) "Number seven +'underd and two. PARTON. Buck. Eight months." _Your_ name ain't +PARTON. + +_Exhib._ Then it's mine in the next. _Second_ Prize! Better'n Third, +that, ain't it? + +_The Friend._ They've got _that_ down as PARTON'S too. + +_Exhib._ Well, I _thought_ some'ow as----_this_ is him anyway. Look +'ere! _First_ Prize! And deserves it, though I sez it myself! + +_Friend (not without a certain satisfaction)._ No--no, you're wrong +again. I'll show you where _you_ are. See. "Seven 'underd and five. W. +CROPPER. Buck. Ten months." _That's_ you! + +_Exhib. (incredulously)._ That? that ain't never _my_ cream buck! +(_The rabbit remains wrapt in meditation._) I'll soon show yer. +(_Blows in rabbit's face. Mutual recognition. Tableau._) It _is_ my +buck! And only 'ighly commended! (_Recovering himself._) Well, I arsk +you if he oughtn't to ha' done the other--him as they've given the +First Prize to? Why, there ain't no comparison between them two +rabbits! + +_The Cock (encouragingly)._ Crorky-rorky-roo! + +_The Friend (losing all further interest)._ Well, it's all chance +like. Let's go and 'ave a look at them Lops. + +_Crowd of Admirers around pen containing gigantic gander._ + +_First Admirer._ That's _WILKINSES'_ gander, that is. + +_Second Admirer._ A fine-grown bird, I _will_ say. + + [_Handsomely, as if he would hardly have expected such a person as +WILKINS to produce anything as good as THAT._ + +_Third Admirer._ Monster, ain't he? Why, yer might _ride_ on him! + +_Small Child (pointing delightedly at the Gander)._ 'Ook, Mozzer, +pitty duck! + +_Fond Parent (admiringly)._ I declare it's wonderful how quick he gets +the names--it _is_ a fine duck! + +_The Cock (with a touch of correction)._ Crorky--rorky--roo! + +_A Connoisseur (inspecting pigeon)._ Now, _there's_ a nice +pigeon--that _is_ a nice pigeon; but I tell yer what it is--he ain't +got the space to do hisself justice in there. Give him a bigger pen, +and a brick to stand on, and you'd soon see the difference! + +_Fellow Conn._ They ought to ha' give him more room to show off his +tail in--else what's the good of a bird _'aving_ a tail, come to that? + +_First Conn. (sententiously)._ Ah, you've 'it it. + +_Competitor (apparently, unsuccessful)._ I say, (_with bitter +sarcasm_) 'Are yer seen the pair as take a Fust? Birds I wouldn't pick +up if I found 'em in the street--no, _that_ I wouldn't! Fust Prize to +them--hor-hor! Well, the world's comin' to a pretty pass, I must say! +Arter _that!_---- [_Eloquent aposiopesis._ + +_Amandus (tolerantly, to Amanda)._ Well, pidgings _are_ pretty much +alike, unless you've been brought up to know the differences. I 'ad a +_Uncle_ a breeder. + +_Amanda (feeling that her ignorance is no longer a discredit)._ Then +_you'd_ know! [_They go out arm-in-arm, silent but sympathetic._ + + * * * * * + +INTERIORS AND EXTERIORS. No. 52. + +[Illustration: PLATFORM ORATORY. By Our Travelling Special. + +[Our Politicians now, in humble imitation of the Great Original, are +adopting the fashion of making speeches from railway carriages, +or utilising the ten minutes allowed for refreshment by addressing +constituents on the platform. The Railway Companies, in order to +observe strict neutrality, should re-construct carriages to suit and +carry the political leaders, and should re-build or increase existing +stations on the line, so as to accommodate the public with various +"platforms."]] + + * * * * * + +"Enter-tainments" are not now so much the object of our Fireproof +Theatrical Managers as "Exit-tainments." At TERRY'S new theatre +everyone feels perfectly secure. It is only the Lessee, who always +appears terry-fied. + + *** + +DEPARTURE OF DISTINGUISHED FURRY-NERS.--The _Standard_ said last week +that two thousand live rabbits were on the eve of being despatched +to British Columbia. Fifty thousand onions should be sent with them. +What's a Rabbit without onions? _L'Onion fait la force._ + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER CHANCE FOR JOE AND JESSE. + +Mr. CAVE, long associated with theatrical management--re-opens +Sadler's Wells on the fifth of November. We are assured that Mr. +CHAMBERLAIN'S recent visit to Merrie Islington had nothing whatever to +do with the forthcoming "good old-fashioned Grimaldi comic pantomime," +with which Mr. CAVE promises to entertain his patrons at Christmas +time. Perhaps, after all, the Fisheries Commissioner is not going to +Canada, but is going to join A. CAVE at Islington, for what on earth +is the use of a "Grimaldi pantomime" without a "JOEY?" Then what +a chance for him, in the good old Grimaldi style, to sing "Hot +Collings," rewritten by his faithful accompanyist JESSE. + + * * * * * + +TORCHLIGHT AND GUY FAWKES DAY.--Mr. GLADSTONE says that coming into +collision with the Police on the subject of torches, "he would rather +suffer torchers!" + + *** + +MR. WILFUL BLUNT.--Whether the right of Free Speaking is permitted in +Ireland or not, we would decline just now to decide. But certain BLUNT +speaking was very soon stopped. + + *** + +"AU PLAISIR."--Motto for AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS during the run of the +present piece. + + * * * * * + +THE FOUR NOBLE BURGLARS. + + A Baron, a Marquis, a Duke, and an Earl + Were dining together one evening at White's; + They were all overdone by the worry and whirl + Of a long London season's amusements and sights-- + By the luncheons that stupify, dinners that tire, + Dull rides in the Row, deadly five o'clock teas, + At which fashion condemns you to gasp and perspire + While draining the cup of _ennui_ to the lees. + + No pleasure they took in the joys of the table; + Though stalwart, they recked not to breakfast or sup-- + E'en to plunge at _bezique_ they no longer were able, + For the fact was these nobles were deuced hard up! + Moaned the Marquis, "We're all in a state of depression; + As for me, my existence is simply a bore; + Let us strike a new line out--adopt some profession + Which no British Peer ever practised before." + +[Illustration] + + Then the Baron cried, "Listen, old chappies; I've hit + On a notion that's brilliant and perfectly new;-- + Why shouldn't we four try to burgle a bit, + And wrest from the wealthy what's fairly our due? + Garotting is vulgar, and cruel to boot, + The pickpocket oft is despised when detected; + But burglary's just the profession to suit + A lover of enterprise, highly connected." + + A paper was fetched, and his Grace read aloud + The following paragraph:--"Criminal Tips! + Young Nobles and Gentlemen under a cloud + Apply to Professor JEHOSHAPHAT FIPPS, + At his residence, 2, Sheppard Buildings, E.C., + Where he nightly gives lessons, from seven till nine, + To youngsters of spirit, from prejudice free, + In arts which amusement with profit combine." + + Next evening the Peers, fully dressed for their parts + In moleskin and highlows and flat beaver-caps, + Sought out the Professor with quick-throbbing hearts, + Their courage all but in a state of collapse. + Mr. FIPPS gave them seats; then politely inquired, + If aught to oblige them perchance he could do, + And replied, when they told him what 'twas they required, + "All right, noble sportsmen!--I'll soon put you through!" + + He taught them to handle the jemmy with grace, + To frisk with the centrebit, toy with the file-- + To flourish the fitful dark-lantern apace, + And wield the gay crowbar in elegant style; + With skeleton-keys to pick counting-house locks, + To ply the dumb saw and the chisel that's cold, + To prize up the lid of a banker's strong-box, + And the portals of burglar-proof safes to unfold. + + When their Lordships were thoroughly versed in their trade, + And had passed their exams, in a masterly way, + They agreed that a dashing attempt should be made, + Their expertness to test without further delay. + Should they first try their hands at a light, easy job, + Not too risky, but graceful, artistic and neat, + Or essay a bold stroke the Exchequer to rob, + Or the merry Old Lady of Threadneedle Street? + + At last they resolved that the best thing to do, + Was to try an experiment, just for a lark, + (And to keep their hands in for a lucrative _coup_,) + On a workman's abode near Victoria Park. + They hankered for something quite simple and plain, + Both suburban and poor, for their trial essay; + So they picked out a one-storeyed house down a lane, + Which they learned had been empty for many a day. + + They commenced their attack in the dead of the night, + Scaled a wall, dug a tunnel, and cut through two floors, + Wrenched a lock off with stern, irresistible might, + And broke open some thoroughly unsecured doors. + For booty they hunted below and on high-- + But naught could they find save a chunk of cold veal, + Till, down in the basement, they chanced to espy, + Near the back-kitchen sink a huge trapdoor of steel. + + In a second the trap from its fastness they tore, + When, heaped up pell-mell, of all shapes and all sizes, + The gratified Peers beheld score upon score + Of grand and legitimate housebreakers' prizes,-- + Tiaras of rubies and diamond _rivieres_, + Superb jewelled bracelets and brooches and rings, + Great emerald, sapphire, and pearl _solitaires_, + And all manner of precious, magnificent things. + + As they gazed on these treasures with glittering eyes, + Lightly handling the gewgaws with delicate touches, + The Duke softly murmured, "Oh! what a surprise! + Why, some of these trinkets belong to the Duchess!" + "By Jove!" said the Marquis, "this carcanet here + Has been worn scores of times by my dowager-aunt!" + And the Baron rejoined, "It seems perfectly clear + That this squalid abode is a regular plant!" + + "What a joke!" cried the Earl. "We have chanced on the ken + Of professional brethren, our seniors in guile, + And I think that, for young inexperienced men, + We have collared their plunder in workmanlike style. + Let us cull and remove these nefarious hoards-- + We can turn the whole lot into cash at our leisure; + A delightful career is before us, my Lords, + A bright future of usefulness, profit, and pleasure!" + + The next day they disposed of their swag for a plum, + And invested the proceeds in Spaniards and Turks, + After nobly deducting a moderate sum + For the Burglar's Relief Fund and other good works. + They paid all their creditors, kept up their rank. + Betted ponies and monkeys like regular "toppers;" + Till one night, as they'd just broken into a bank, + These deserving young nobles were nailed by the "coppers." + + The Old Bailey was crowded one sunny May morn + With ladies arrayed in superlative frocks, + When the jury who sate on our nobles forlorn, + Found them guilty at once, without leaving the box. + And it thus came to pass, I regret to relate, + That these earnest, industrious, well-meaning Peers, + The pride of their order, the stay of the State, + Were condemned to pick oakum for twenty-one years! + + * * * * * + +A WORD FOR THE WAR-OFFICE.--Mrs. RAMSBOTHAM says it's all very well +to talk about the parsimony of the War-Office; but she hears that the +soldiers are provided with fatigue jackets, and thinks it's really +kind of the Authorities to supply the men with something special to +wear when they are tired. + + * * * * * + +HOW WE ADVERTISE NOW. + +[Illustration: SUGGESTION FOR UTILISING A NOW WELL-KNOWN MURAL +DECORATION(?)] + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., +Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no +case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed +Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + * * * * * + + + + +Transcriber's Notes + +A small number of minor typographical errors have been corrected. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +93, November 5, 1887, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, NOV. 5, 1887 *** + +***** This file should be named 37465.txt or 37465.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/3/7/4/6/37465/ + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, +Nigel Blower and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team +at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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