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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 93,
+November 5, 1887, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 93, November 5, 1887
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: September 17, 2011 [EBook #37465]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, NOV. 5, 1887 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer,
+Nigel Blower and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 93.
+
+
+
+November 5th 1887.
+
+
+
+
+THE LETTER-BAG OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+FROM AN INTENDING EMIGRANT.
+
+  _Liverpool, Saturday Noon._
+
+[Illustration:]
+
+DEAR TOBY,
+
+My boat is on the shore, And my bark is on the sea, But before I
+go, TO-BEE, I will write a line to thee. I am here to join the bark
+aforesaid, which will presently convey JOSEPH and his fortunes to the
+United States. As far as one can judge from the Press news telegraphed
+here, the reception that awaits me is not very cordial. I have all my
+life been conscious of a tendency to rub people down the wrong way.
+Unhappily the consciousness is borne in upon me only after the evil
+is effected. No succession of experience has effect upon my conduct.
+HARTINGTON and I are pretty good friends now, but I daresay you will
+remember the night, now a dozen years dead, when I rose from a seat
+below the Gangway in the House of Commons and, amid frantic cheers
+from the little Radical Party of which I was then a humble ornament,
+denounced him as "_late_ the Leader of the Liberal Party." The Markiss
+is now my friend and ally, and I might almost say patron. The time
+is too short for me to recall a tithe of the nasty things I have
+said about him and others who toil not, neither do they spin. With
+GLADSTONE the process is reversed, but in the end is much the same. I
+began by adulating him, and now no one can say that that is my precise
+attitude towards him.
+
+It is more or less well as far as individuals are concerned. But I am
+afraid I put my foot in it when, in defiance of historic warning,
+I framed an indictment against a whole nation. Going out to the New
+World on a mission of peace, I began by aggravating Canada and setting
+up the back of the United States. When I reflect how easy it
+would have been for me to say nothing, I stand amazed at my own
+indiscretion. The only recompense I find in the situation is the
+chagrin of the Markiss and his friends. They thought they had done
+a nice stroke of policy in engaging me on this business. It is, of
+course, not a new procedure. If I were still on the other side, I
+should take delight in showing that herein, as in the matter of the
+Convention with France just completed, they have taken a leaf out of
+the book of their political opponents, and re-issued it with their own
+imprimatur. The last time a Commissioner was sent out from England to
+reason with the United States, GLADSTONE was in the Markiss's place,
+and he selected STAFFORD NORTHCOTE as the agent. It was an excellent
+device, tying in advance the hands of the enemy, who could scarcely
+denounce a policy for the initiation and direction of which one of
+their principal men was chiefly responsible. But what a difference
+between STAFFORD NORTHCOTE and me!--a difference which the Markiss is
+already beginning to realise. The proposal suited me well enough. It
+would take me away from the country at a time when my presence here
+only involves me in embarrassing controversy. Moreover, if I made a
+great hit, and insured a successful Treaty, it would pave the way
+for my return to my old position in the popular esteem. As for the
+Markiss, my acceptance of the work would secure for him an ally on the
+Opposition benches in the event of future debate arising out of the
+Treaty, and would draw into close, personal union with his Party what
+only natural modesty prevents me from alluding to as a formidable
+antagonist. That was the little game; and for the sake of saying
+something bitter, under the temptation to gird at an adversary that
+had affronted me, I hopelessly spoiled it.
+
+Writing to you, _cher_ TOBY, in the confidence of friendly
+correspondence (I suppose your letters are not opened at the Post
+Office, Barkshire not being an Irish county) I will confess that I
+really could not help it. It is not that I do not know better, but my
+temper is perhaps a little peculiar. I am essentially a fighting-man.
+If any one bites his thumb at me I will know the reason why, and no
+considerations of what is politic will prevent me from returning a
+blow. I know that some people think I'm almost to be pitied because
+(as they put it) I have hopelessly thrown away a position which no one
+but myself could have destroyed. They think I am politically done for.
+We shall see. However it be, I shall not forget the wild joy of battle
+that the events of the past year have purchased for me. I like it best
+with my back to the wall in the House of Commons, when my old friends
+jeer and howl at me, and the rapturous cheers of the Conservatives
+testify their pleasure at seeing me of all men playing their game--as
+they think. I confess things at the moment are not from any point of
+view very bright. But I can afford to wait, strong in the assurance
+that I can do better without the Liberal Party than the Liberal Party
+can do without me. They call me a Dissentient, which reminds me of a
+story I once heard about an aboriginal resident in the great country
+whither I am now hastening. A red man was found wandering in the
+depths of the forest with signs of perturbation manifest beneath
+his manfully calm exterior. "Are you lost?" he was asked. "No," he
+answered, "me no lost. Me here. Wigwam lost." It is not I that am a
+Dissentient Liberal; it is the Liberal Party that is the Dissentient.
+
+Now here is the Mayor come to say that luncheon's ready, and so,
+dropping into poetry again, I will say good-bye, With a sigh to those
+who love me, And a smile to those who hate, And, whatever sky's above
+me, Here's a heart for every fate. Yours faithfully,
+
+  J. CH-MB-RL-N.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BOUNTIES TO FOREIGNERS.
+
+_First Passenger (in Underground Railway)._ We're such a frightfully
+_insular_ nation! Ignorant, exclusive, say-nothing-to-nobody sort of
+people! Think there's nothing beyond Straits of Dover--or Atlantic
+Ocean.
+
+_Second Ditto (agreeing out of politeness)._ Horrible? By the bye,
+that's a nice picture of the Paris Hippodrome, isn't it?
+
+_First Passenger (indifferently)._ Is it? But, as I was saying,
+insularity is our----
+
+_Second Ditto (startled)._ Hullo! By Jove!--no, it can't be true! Yes,
+it is--here's an English newspaper taken to giving a column, a whole
+column, of French news _in French!_ (_Humorously._) Very insular,
+isn't it?
+
+_First Passenger (not understanding the point)._ Very. And, as I was
+saying, it's our besetting sin. We hide our heads like ostriches, and
+refuse to recognise the existence of foreigners. Then what does this
+insularity mean? It means we're _isolated_--cut off from Europe--hated
+by everybody.
+
+_Second Ditto (roused at last)._ I don't know what you call being
+insular and isolated. French Plays are on at a London Theatre. An
+Italian Exhibition's coming to Earl's Court. We get our music from
+Germany, our singers from Italy, and our butter and eggs from Belgium
+and Brittany; and, on the whole, don't you think London's about the
+most Cosmopolitan Capital to be found anywhere? Ah, here's my Station.
+Good morning!
+
+  [_Jumps out in time to escape indignant retort. Exit._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MAGAZINES IN BULK.--It is as impossible to "sample" a magazine by
+a monthly number as it is to estimate the quality of a wine by the
+glass. If you take a bottle you know something about it. Thus when we
+see the _English Illustrated_ in volume we are fully able to
+estimate its worth. The present volume is in every way equal to its
+predecessors. Volume Fourteen of _St. Nicholas_ is one of those good
+gifts that Brother JONATHAN sends us. It is a delightful collection
+of child-poems, child-pictures, and child-lore. The editor, Miss MARY
+MAPES DODGE knows full well how difficult it is to please those keen
+critics, the children, but she has "dodged" it.
+
+       ***
+
+THE MAC BATTENBERG.--_Mr. Punch_ is delighted to hear that mother and
+child are doing well, and congratulates the Infant Princess on being
+the first of the Royal Family to be born in Scotland since 1600.
+Could not the next be born in Ireland? "The O'BATTENBERG," would be a
+splendid title.
+
+       ***
+
+LATEST FROM LICHFIELD.--DR. JOHNSON loved "a good hater." He ought to
+have flourished next year--Hatey-hate! Ha! ha!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "EMPLOYMENT."
+
+_First Loafer._ "'SAY, MATE, IF THEY WAS TO PUT A SHOVEL IN YER 'ANDS,
+AN' TELL YER TO GO TO WORK, WOULD YER TAKE IT?"
+
+_Second Loafer._ "'COURSE I WOULD."
+
+_First Loafer._ "WOULD YER USE IT?"
+
+_Second Loafer._ "'COURSE I WOULD?--LIKE A SHOT! I'D SPOUT IT!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROBERT ON LUXURY.
+
+Alderman Sir RENERY KNIGHT, late Lord Mare, and one of the werry best
+as we ever had, and so was his good wife, the Lady Maress, hapening
+for to be a setting at the Manshun House when the LORD MARE was gorn
+out for a ride somewheres, had to receive what I thinks is called a
+Deputytashun--though not a bit like reel Deputys, who is all werry
+rich--of poor working-men as ain't got not no work to do, and, like
+the kind gennelman as he is, he gave 'em sum such capital adwice as to
+the utter stoopidity of making theirselves noisy and disagreeable when
+they wants to make people kindly dispoged towards 'em, and as to the
+well-known fackt, that the best friends of the working-classes is them
+as spends their money the most freest and the most liberalist, that
+he set the hole City a ringing with it, and as always happens alike
+in exacly similar cases, up starts a mere upstart of a Pollytickle
+Economist--how I hates the werry sound of that larst word, which is
+ony another name for stingyness and meanness and sham forgitfulness
+of the pore Waiter--and says as it ain't true! Like his imperance
+I think, but of coarse ewery body has a right to his own opinion,
+however ridicklus it may be. But being a Lecturer, and therefore
+I spose acustomed to use his tung pretty freely, he mite have been
+xpected to have kept a civil one in his head when he rote his reply to
+Sir RENERY. Instead of which he fust calls him incorrygible, which
+I beleeve means that he carnt be conwicted, as if a Alderman and
+Magistrate could be! He then writes of his "Colossal ignorance!" I
+don't quite know what it means but I'm quite sure that however small
+the Alderman's may be, the Lecturer's is ever so much bigger, as I'll
+prove from my own pussonal knowledge.
+
+He acshally has the ordassity to adwise the Rite Honerable the LORD
+MARE not to employ so many cooks! Poor hignoramus! has he ever dined
+at the Manshun House on a trewly grate ocashun? Most suttenly not, or
+he never would have written such a silly, not to say cruel sentence.
+Not so many cooks indeed! Does he think that the Chef who has given
+his whole mind to the preparing of the Thick and Clear Turtle, is not
+so utterly xhausted that he has to drink two or three glasses of werry
+old Madeary, and then lay down on his sophy and recover hisself
+by slow degrees. Does he think that the Fish Cooks, with praps six
+differing kinds of Fish to prepare, is fit for anything else? and how
+about the Sauce Artists, let him try to emagine, tho' he'll try in
+wain, what they has to go through in the tasting line. Then there are
+the French gentlemen who superintend the production of those wunders
+in what they calls the guestronommick line, wiz.: the _Ontrays!_ Is
+it supposed by this "curlossal" hignoramus, that they can, after
+achieving brilliant success in these wunders of hart, condescend to
+turn their attention to such werry small deer as poultry and jints?
+Suttenly not, the thing's absurd. But they requires cooks, tho' of
+coarse, not of the same hi horder as the Hartists.
+
+But, strange to tell, ewen this is not the wust. Not only is the LORD
+MARE adwised not to employ so many Cooks, but the trewly wunderful
+reason is given, becoz he can then employ more railway navvies! Shades
+of FRANK HURTELLY and SWOYHAY, rest tranquil in your long graves!
+
+But what a dedly hinsult to one of the werry noblest of all noble
+perfessions, to compare for usefulness a mere railway navvy to a great
+Chef. Is this strange economist aware that the great Earl of SEFTON,
+prais to his memory! used to allow his Chef £300 a year and a Horse
+and Broom for the Park! But all sitch conclusive arguments is I fear
+utterly lost upon him.
+
+However, there is just one matter for which I have to thank him. I
+confess that my face werry possibly turned gashly pale as I read his
+orful letter, I fornatrally thort if he is going to recommend less
+Cooks he may werry posserbly be a going for to recommend less Waiters!
+But no, he had the good taste to draw his line there, and for that I
+thanks him. What a treat it is to turn from the wild projecks of the
+Lecterer to the wise counsels of the Alderman. No doubt, he says, we
+could all do without luxuries, but what would become of the millions
+who produces them? No doubt, he says, we could all live on plain food
+and drink water--what orful words for a Alderman to write down!--but
+then what would become of the millions who earns their living
+in preparing them, and he might have added, as a clencher to his
+staggering argument, and what would become of Hus? If there is one
+picter that presents itself to my orrified imagination, that more than
+any other staggers it, it is that of the hole splendid Army of London
+Waiters, with their full dress black coats a gitting jist a leetle
+shabby, and their lovely white chokers jest a leetle shady, a parading
+the London Streets, and a singing in Chorus, "We've got no work
+to do!" But no, I feels as that orful dream will never live to be
+realised, but, to use the classic langwidge as the Lecturer quotes
+from some frend of his, and which I supposes as he intends as a
+complement, "let the idol rich still take their proper place as
+drones in the hive, gorging at a feast to which they have contributed
+nothing," and he might have added, and never never forgetting the
+Waiter.
+
+  ROBERT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+MR. PUNCH was pleased to notice that a certain noisy Salvationist, who
+would insist on playing the cornet--did he profanely call it "The horn
+of salvation?"--to the disturbance of quiet citizens, was made to move
+on, and treated as a common street-organ nuisance by the Magistrate.
+Wanted, as soon as possible, an Act to stop all unauthorised
+Processions, be they what they may.
+
+       ***
+
+The disastrous fire at WHITELEY'S occupied the entire attention of
+thirty-four steam fire-engines, "leaving," says the _Standard_,
+"about a dozen for the rest of London." The "rest" of London will
+be considerably disturbed if this state of things continues. We are
+under-police'd and under-fire-brigaded. If GRANDOLPH the Great
+is afraid of becoming one of the Unemployed, and so getting into
+mischief, let him turn his attention to supply and demand in this
+direction, and the ex-Chancellor of the Exchequer may do some good.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE NOT-AT-ALL-AT-HOME SECRETARY.
+
+_Mr. General-Inspector Punch._ "NOW THEN, MATT, MOVE ON! DON'T
+INTERFERE WITH THE POLICE IN THE EXECUTION OF THEIR DUTY."
+
+    "_The change of tactics last week on the part of the Police,
+    in permitting a Meeting in Trafalgar Square, was said to
+    be due to the interference of the Home Secretary._"--_Daily
+    Papers._
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+T'other and Which; or, an Old Saw re-set.
+
+_The Showman at Nottingham or Islington (exhibiting figures of G. O.
+M. and Orchid Joe)._ Here you see the Separatist Party as large as
+life!
+
+_Dubious Elector._ Please, which is the Separatist Party?
+
+_Showman._ Whichever you please, my little dear. You pays your money,
+and you gives your vote.
+
+       ***
+
+FREE AND VERY OPEN.--In Canterbury Cathedral, the other day, there was
+only one worshipper present at the Service! The occurrence is declared
+to be unprecedented, four having been the previous low-water-mark of
+attendance. It might be described as "one-man rule," only it isn't the
+rule, but the exception, it seems. If this sort of thing spreads,
+the craze for restoring our Cathedrals ought to give way to a cry
+for restoring their congregations. Was the Service altered to "Dearly
+Beloved Brother" or "Sister?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SHOWS VIEWS.
+
+_By Victor Who-goes-Everywhere._
+
+[Illustration]
+
+M. COQUELIN is at the Royalty with an efficient French Company
+appearing in a round of his best-known characters. He has already
+taken part in _Un Parisien, Don Cæsar de Bazan_ and an entirely new
+piece (first time in London and elsewhere) _L'Aîné_. This last I had
+the pleasure of seeing the other evening, and was delighted to
+find that it was a play that could be safely recommended as a fit
+entertainment for their charge to the guardians of that apparently
+very easily-influenced infant, "The Young Person." It is rather
+suggestive of several English original pieces, amongst the rest
+_Miriam's Crime_ and _Faded Flowers_. The adopted daughter (rescued
+as a child from the gutter) of a millionnaire, after her protector's
+death, undertakes the reformation of her benefactor's brother, who
+takes, through intestacy, the whole of his senior's estate. To carry
+this out effectively, the young lady prevents the heir from drinking
+his _chasse_ after his coffee, and playing a game of _écarté_ with an
+old friend, for love, and finally offers to marry him. The heir is as
+quiet as a lamb under these inflictions, until he discovers that
+his _fiancée_ loves some one else, when he proposes, at the earliest
+possible moment, to commit suicide. This inconvenient intention is
+prevented, the adopted daughter marries the man of her choice, and
+the heir goes back to America, thus all ends happily. COQUELIN, as the
+heir, was seen to very great advantage in the less sentimental parts
+of the character, but was not quite so successful when he commenced
+crying over the portrait of _L'Aîné_, which, by the way, was a very
+excellent likeness (without the eyeglass) of the Right Hon. JOSEPH
+CHAMBERLAIN. For the rest Madame MALVAU was rather a mature adopted
+daughter, M. ROMAIN (as "_Georges_--her friend") a little too heavy in
+more senses than one as the superfluous lover, and M. DUQUESNE a
+very excellent lawyer. There is nothing particularly brilliant in the
+writing, and only one line raises a laugh. When the vagabond friend
+of the heir extends his hand, _M. Vivien_, without a movement, merely
+asks, "_Combien?_" But on its repetition this admirable joke did not
+"go" quite so well. Still there is a freshness in the central idea
+of the play which is welcome. As a rule every one on the French stage
+weeps over somebody's mother, but in this case the tears were reserved
+for somebody's brother. It is said that the Author of the piece, M.
+PAUL DELAIR, is a novice at stage-craft. This seems to me very
+likely, as had he had more experience, I fancy he would have allowed
+(especially if he had known that the character was going to be played
+by M. ROMAIN) _M. Georges_ to have been shot dead in the First Act.
+This would have been really a great improvement, especially had
+_Yveline_ (the adopted daughter) been allowed to expire from grief
+early in the Second. Joking apart, _L'Aîné_ is not half a bad piece,
+although I cannot conscientiously go so far as to say that it is half
+a good one. Before the engagement of M. COQUELIN is over, the talented
+actor has promised to play _Gringoire_. No doubt this will be
+produced for the benefit of Mr. BEERBOHM TREE, who richly deserves the
+compliment.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The Paris Hippodrome has once more taken possession of Olympia, where
+it seems likely to remain until well into next year. The entertainment
+is of the customary quality, which is saying a great deal in its
+praise. There are excellent _troupes_ of acrobats and performing
+dogs (with a wonderful black poodle that is the best clown that
+has appeared in a Circus for many a long year), chariot-races, and
+horsemanship in all its branches. This season the Ladies have it all
+their own way. The last time M. HOUCKE visited us, Gentlemen drove
+the team of thirty-two, and jumped over the hurdles with the tandem of
+three; now their places are supplied by members of the fairer sex. The
+horses who take part in these feats are so admirably trained that
+the element of danger is entirely eliminated, and, consequently, the
+change is an improvement. Then an accomplished cob and an elegant
+elephant take a turn together in more senses than one, for they dance
+_vis-à-vis_ a waltz and a polka. The novelty of the Show, however, is
+kept for the second part, and is apparently a page from the Algerian
+experiences of General BOULANGER. The attention of a tribe of Arabs
+(seemingly on their road to church) having been attracted to a
+military train containing a bugle-band of Turcos and some half-dozen
+soldiers of the French line, devotions are temporarily abandoned for a
+pitched battle. The Arabs fire upon the Europeans, who, however,
+after a lively skirmish, succeed in "taking up a position" with the
+bugle-band, and then retire. The Arabs bearing no ill-will, dancing
+follows, and the fighting being quite over and forgotten, General
+BOULANGER, accompanied by a Staff, swaggers in and assists at further
+military exercises. Then the bugle-band heads the procession of French
+and Arabs, and, after marching past BOULANGER, _exeunt_. The attack
+upon the train, if a little perplexing from a purely historical point
+of view, is capitally managed, and very exciting. Since the opening
+night the large hall has been very well attended; and now that the
+American Exhibition is closed, may be expected to be crowded--and a
+crowded audience at the Addison Road cannot be recorded in less than
+five figures. "The Wild West is gone--long live Olympia!"
+
+A second visit to the Royal Westminster Aquarium has not improved my
+opinion of "the Wolves, the Wolves, the Wolves!" (see Advertisement)
+as a pleasure-insuring entertainment. I have already said that the
+tricks of these animals cause a "creepy" sensation, and when I made
+this observation I referred to the "kissing act," wherein a wolf
+embraces the portly person in the Polish lancer's uniform who has
+trained it. But the fights between master and brutes are even less
+tolerable, as may be judged to be the case when I say that, on
+a recent occasion when I was present, the trainer seemed to be a
+good-half-hour (no doubt it was an infinitely less period of time) in
+getting one of his wild beasts into its allotted cage. It is not at
+all a nice sight to see a man beating a snapping and yelping wolf with
+a whip, for one feels that there is the element of cruelty on both
+sides. Take it allround, I prefer "the _belle_ FATMA,"--that is,
+taking her all round, on which I need hardly say I should not
+venture,--to "the Wolves, the Wolves, the Wolves!" And I sincerely
+hope that FATMA (the old lady near her looks more like Fat Ma) may
+always be able to keep the wolf from her door.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GENTLE JOHNNY BULL.
+
+  The way with "demonstrations" tyrants used to take was brief--
+  Justices gave a rioter the guerdon of a thief!
+  Not only durance vile--our gentler nature how it shocks--
+  But whipping-cheer, and oh! they set their Brother in the Stocks!
+
+  In those days a Stump-Orator had reason to take care,
+  How he denounced, derided, and defied the Powers that were.
+  And if he talked High Treason--Imagine this, my dears!
+  They put him in the pillory, and sometimes clipped his ears.
+
+  A People's Friend, unless he took good heed to what he said,
+  Was liable to answer for his language with his head.
+  How venerable soever, a too talkative old Cock,
+  His eloquence might bring him, though a Statesman, to the block.
+
+  But happily we, Brethren, now are men of milder mood,
+  And not, as were our ancestors, vindictive, stern, and rude.
+  So much has done the milk of human kindness to assuage,
+  The bile of British hardihood in this forbearing age!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. GLADSTONE ON THE FIFTH OF NOVEMBER.
+
+SIR,--You are wrong in supposing that the term, "Old Fireworks," was
+originally applied to myself. I am of opinion, though I speak under a
+certain amount of correction, not such, however, as my young friend,
+GRANDOLPH, would like to supply, that the term Old Fireworks was first
+applied to the celebrated _Mr. Pickwick_, though upon what occasion
+and by whom I cannot at this moment call to mind. To your second
+question, as to whether I approve of the conduct of _Mr. Samuel
+Weller_ in resisting the Head Constable _Grummer_, I should say that,
+considering the provocation offered, _Mr. Weller_ seems to have acted
+with remarkable self-restraint.
+
+  Yours faithfully,      G. O. M.
+
+P.S. Chips, real good chips, warranted quite dry, and only waiting for
+a match to set them in a blaze, may now be had at Hawarden Lodge at
+the ridiculously small charge of three-pence a piece, or two shillings
+and five-pence halfpenny per dozen. Immediate application personally
+or by letter is recommended. Also a copy of Nottingham speech and the
+Mitchelstown telegram, which, should any difficulty be experienced in
+kindling a bonfire, will at once set the heap into a splendid blaze.
+My song and chorus--
+
+  Remember, remember,
+  The Mitchelstown ember,
+
+and so forth, ought to be ready at all respectable music-publishers
+by November 3rd. 2s. 6d. per copy. Great reduction for clubs, schools,
+&c. Chips! Chips! in the name of the Profit! Chips! G. O. M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "LIKELY TO GET ON IN LIFE."
+
+_Papa._ "IF I GIVE YOU SIXPENCE, AND TELL YOU TO BUY FIVE PENNY
+PAPERS, HOW MUCH CHANGE WILL YOU BRING BACK TO ME?"
+
+_Sharp Boy (considering)._ "WELL, PAPA--LET ME SEE--IF YOU GAVE ME
+SIXPENCE----"
+
+_Papa._ "YES--YES. HOW MUCH CHANGE TO BRING BACK TO ME?"
+
+_Sharp Boy (readily, and with decision)._ "NONE--NOT IF YOU GAVE ME
+THE SIXPENCE!"
+
+    [_Papa determines to put the question in a different way next time._
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO THE INCOMPLETE (POLITICAL) ANGLER.
+
+  O BRUMMAGEM JOSEPH, my boy, will you halt on
+    Your sturdy, but scarce diplomatical way,
+  And take from an ancient disciple of WALTON
+    A few friendly hints about patience and "play"?
+  As an Angler you have _Mr. Punch's_ best wishes,
+    But _do_ you consider it wise, ere you start
+  To throw stones in the water, and stir up the fishes?
+    That's scarcely the right piscatorial art.
+  No, stillness and silence, and delicate tact, Sir,
+    Are needed for handling the rod and the reel.
+  You may pelt and may splash, but you'll find it a fact, Sir,
+    Who frightens the fishes will not fill his creel.
+
+       ***
+
+HADWICE GRATIS.--The Vaudeville Theatre announces a new play by Mr.
+ENERY HAUTHOR JONES, called _Heart of Hearts_. To popularise it for
+Town use, much better call it _'Art of 'Arts_ at once.
+
+       ***
+
+NEW ORDER (_not issued from the Horse Guards._)--The entire British
+Army to be submitted to a Fortnightly Review for the next three months
+at least.
+
+       ***
+
+MEM. FOR POLICE BY GENERAL-INSPECTOR PUNCH.--Stop the Orators in
+Trafalgar Square, and let the Fountains be the only ones to spout.
+
+       ***
+
+'ARRY STRATFORD-ATTE-BOW'S FRENCH MOTTO FOR THE FIFTH OF
+NOVEMBER.--"_Toujours Guy._"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR ADVERTISERS.
+
+INVERTED, EDUCATIONAL, MEDICINAL, AND MISCELLANEOUS.
+
+WANTED, BY AN INCORRIGIBLE LITTLE BOY, whose Parents have threatened
+to send him away from home on account of his perpetually insufferable
+conduct, a suitable domicile, where he will be afforded every facility
+for continuing it without hindrance and interruption. A quiet old
+country clergyman, and his wife, both a little short-sighted, and hard
+of hearing, occupying a retired Vicarage, that is in want of a little
+waking up, might write. House must be conveniently arranged for the
+setting of booby-traps, possess a good old-fashioned striking-clock,
+with accessible inside, a get-at-able upstairs' cistern, a
+dinner-gong, and plenty of bells. Bedroom might be furnished with
+a view to an occasional display of fireworks. Staircase with good
+top-to-bottom slide-down balusters indispensable. Would be glad to
+hear if there is a powerful garden-engine, in good working-order,
+on the premises; and also whether there is a decent sweetstuff and
+gunpowder-shop within easy distance. Apply by letter to "TARTAR,"
+Scarum Hall, Flingover, Notts.
+
+       ***
+
+THE PRINCIPAL OF A YOUNG GENTLEMAN'S ACADEMY, who has, in turns, been
+a Stock-jobber, a Solicitor struck off the Rolls, a Light Comedian, an
+Undertaker, a Professor of Calisthenics, and a Hansom-cab Driver, and
+has now taken to the Education of Youth as a last resource to make
+ends meet, is anxious to hear from a sufficient number of dupes, in
+the shape of parsimonious Parents, to enable him to start his scheme,
+and see whether he can make anything out of it. They must be fools
+enough to believe that a thoroughly high-class, commercial, and
+classical education, including instruction in five modern languages,
+fitting the recipients for immediate entry into either the Church,
+the Army, or the Bar can be furnished, together with the use of an
+extensive swimming bath and gymnasium, and an unlimited supply of the
+very best diet, without any charge for washing, books, or extras,
+for twenty guineas per annum. The fact that a retired waiter from a
+Boulogne Restaurant takes charge of the Modern Languages, while the
+Higher Mathematics and swimming are entrusted to a late Custom House
+Officer, and the Classical and other Departments, are under the
+immediate supervision of the Principal, may be taken as a guarantee
+that the advertised curriculum is scrupulously and efficiently carried
+out. Apply for further Particulars to "PRINCIPAL," Uncertificated
+Tutors Association, S.E.
+
+       ***
+
+WANTED, BY THE PROPRIETOR OF A PATENT MEDICINE, a nervous and
+confiding Client who after reading a whole newspaper advertising
+column of diseases, and persuading himself that he is afflicted with
+most of them, will believe that by an outlay of 1s. 1½d., he can
+entirely cure himself of the whole lot of them on the spot. He must
+not be disheartened if the first trial produces no effect. On the
+contrary, if the nostrum appears to develop fresh and disagreeable
+symptoms, he must manfully persevere, and face in turn neuralgia,
+rheumatic gout, fever, lumbago, sciatica, incipient paralysis, and
+even greater complications, rather than relinquish the remedy when he
+has once had recourse to it. In this way, it is obvious, he will not
+only be able to afford a permanent support to the sale of a dangerous
+and deleterious compound, but will, by its continual use, effectually
+and completely succeed in ultimately shattering his own constitution.
+Apply, "PROPRIETOR," Jollop's Specific Restorator, Patent Medicine
+Works, Pill Hill, N.E.
+
+       ***
+
+WANTED, A QUITE INEXPERIENCED HORSEMAN, to purchase, on the
+recommendation of a tricky Job Master, a thoroughly unsound and
+spavined Bay Cob that will be represented as having been "parted with"
+by its late owner, "a sporting Duke," for "no fault whatever." The
+creature, however, that is short in the wind, swollen at the hocks,
+an ugly stepper, and has not a single good point about it, having
+recently, when in the funeral business, kicked in a hearse, it has
+been decided to palm it off on the first unsuspecting purchaser that
+turns up as "quiet to ride" and going "nicely in harness," and it may
+confidently be relied upon to throw an unskilful or aged rider, or
+smash up a brougham at the very earliest opportunity. As it has also,
+at a previous period in its career, served as a trick horse at a
+Circus, and will, on meeting a German band, sit down on its haunches,
+it might be safely secured by any equestrian to whom some astonishment
+and a little music mingled with his morning's ride might prove a
+pleasing experience. Can be seen at GULLY'S Stables, Blinder Street,
+S.W.
+
+       ***
+
+A FEW THOROUGHLY UNSUSPECTING TENANTS wanted by a Jerry Builder, who
+has just run up a terrace of new houses anyhow, and is anxious to see
+if anybody can manage to live in them. None of the doors shut, all the
+windows let in draughts, and there are practically no drains. As the
+walls are one brick thick, and the playing of a piano can be heard
+through six houses, neighbours of a conversational turn might find a
+residence in them advantageous. Warranted to come down with a run in a
+high wind. Apply, "Builder," Dustbin Terrace, Killingham Road, E.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD WISH TO HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY.
+
+_Guest._ "WELL, GOOD-BYE, OLD MAN!--AND YOU'VE REALLY GOT A VERY NICE
+LITTLE PLACE HERE!"
+
+_Host._ "YES; BUT IT'S RATHER BARE, JUST NOW. I HOPE THE TREES WILL
+HAVE GROWN A GOOD BIT BEFORE YOU'RE BACK, OLD MAN!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CONVENTION-AL POLITENESS.
+
+_Madame France (with effusion)--_
+
+  "And doth not a meeting like this make amends?"
+
+I trust I have quoted with textual accuracy your so charming, and to
+the actual situation happily appropriate poet?
+
+_Mr. Bull (avec empressement)._ It does--or perhaps I should say
+doth--indeed, Madam. As to the bit from the bard--well, may its
+appropriateness never be less! How much pleasanter than the grim
+dictum of an elder rhymester, who referred to your people as those
+
+  "Whom nature hath predestined for our foes,
+  And made it bliss and virtue to oppose."
+
+_Madame France._ The barbarian! Oppose, indeed! Why should we oppose
+each other, dear Monsieur BULL?
+
+_Mr. Bull._ Why, indeed?
+
+_Madame France._ True, your bellicose Lord PALMERSTON did oppose my
+great FERDINAND'S grand idea, and that from motives the most insular
+and unenlightened. Just as some few poltroons in your sea-girt isle
+at present oppose the Channel Tunnel, which yet, in good time, will
+doubtless become as benign an actuality as the Suez Canal itself.
+
+_Mr. Bull._ Humph! PAM had perhaps his reasons, which, in the light
+of subsequent events, one must admit not to have been without their
+weight.
+
+_Madame France._ Oh, Monsieur BULL! "Greater freedom of intercourse
+between nations is the tendency of our industrial and social
+development, and the tide of human intelligence cannot be arrested by
+_vague fears_." So I read in a pamphlet on the Tunnel. How true, is it
+not?
+
+_Mr. Bull._ Doubtless; as true as that the tide of invasion could not
+be arrested by cosmopolitan cant.
+
+_Madame France._ Invasion? Fie, Monsieur BULL! In the new lexicon of
+international amity there is no such word.
+
+_Mr. Bull._ If the excision of the _word_ could absolutely abolish the
+possibility of the thing, all would be well--between you and Germany,
+for instance.
+
+_Madame France._ _Sacre-e-e!_ I beg pardon. Expletives should also
+be banished from civility's lexicon. But BISMARCK is a _monstre_, a
+_miserable_,--whereas you----!    [_Bows sweetly._
+
+_Mr. Bull._ Inarticulate flattery, Madam, is irresistible--and
+unanswerable. The renewal--if, indeed, it was ever _really_
+interrupted--of the _entente cordiale_ between us, is a blessed boon
+not to be matched in value by a hundred--Tunnels!
+
+_Madame France._ And this Convention is the sign and seal of that
+renewal, _n'est-ce-pas_? I _knew_ you never intended to stop in Egypt.
+
+_Mr. Bull._ Longer than was necessary--assuredly not, Madam. And I was
+_certain_ the New Hebrides had no real charms to permanently arrest
+your feet.
+
+_Madame France._ Though a _pied à terre_ in Raraitea, of course--you
+comprehend, Monsieur!
+
+_Mr. Bull._ Perfectly. The questions of Egypt and the New Hebrides, of
+our post near the Pyramids, and your Protectorate near Tahiti, have,
+of course, no real connection.
+
+_Madame France._ Obviously, Monsieur! Are they not dealt with in
+separate Conventions?
+
+_Mr. Bull._ Ah! if all quarrels--I beg pardon, political
+problems--could as easily be settled by a Conventional Act!
+
+_Madame France._ How welcome to you, Monsieur, to all parties in
+your Parliament, to the "rescuers" as to the "retirers," to your
+Lord CHAMBERLAIN, as well as to your Grand Old GLADSTONE, must be the
+prospect of an early, not to say immediate withdrawal from the Land of
+the Pharaohs! Surely the fugitive Israelites of old never left it with
+such pleased promptitude as _you_ will--"scuttle out" of it! Have I
+accurate memory of the Beaconsfieldian phrase, Monsieur?
+
+_Mr. Bull._ Your memory, Madam, is miraculous. The forty
+centuries--_or, however, many more there may happen to be there at
+the moment of my departure_--will doubtless, in the words of your own
+great phraser, "look down from the Pyramids" with emotions not less
+marked than my own--and yours, Madam.
+
+_Madame France._ My emotions at the present moment--and yours, I
+hope, Monsieur--are simply of supreme joy at the so happy removal of
+difficulties and the so complete restoration of amity between us by
+this charming Convention, so satisfactory in its actual terms, so
+much more so _in its promises for the future_. I felicitate you, dear
+Monsieur BULL.
+
+_Mr. Bull._ And I, Madam, reciprocate your felicitations. (_Aside._)
+It pleases her, apparently, and I do not see that it can possibly hurt
+me!    [_Left bowing._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CONVENTION-AL POLITENESS.
+
+JOHN BULL. "DELIGHTED, MY DEAR MADAM! IT PLEASES YOU,
+AND--(_Aside_)--IT DOESN'T HURT _ME_!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SPEEDING THE PARTING GUEST.
+
+_Host (who has trod on the Lady's Skirt)._ "OH! FORGIVE ME! YOU SEE
+IT'S MY NATURAL INSTINCT TO DETAIN YOU!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+"_My Autobiography and Reminiscences_," by W. P. FRITH, R.A. The
+Modern Hogarth, painter of "_Ramsgate Sands_," "_The Derby Day_," and
+"_The Road to Ruin_," can use his pen as well as his pencil. "Where
+got thou that goose-quill?" as _Macbeth_ would have said, had
+SHAKSPEARE wished him to do so. How is it that Mr. FRITH has never
+employed his goose-quill before? Sometimes it is soft-nibbed, and
+occasionally hard-nibbed, but it is almost always well pointed; and,
+though he writes with an overflowing pen--for he frequently has to
+check his impulsive waywardness--yet there is scarcely a blot on the
+paper throughout the two volumes.
+
+Mr. FRITH is, first and foremost, a humorist, and, in his humour,
+so like THACKERAY, and so unlike DICKENS, that it is no wonder,
+considering the consistent inconsistency of human nature, he should
+have loved the latter, and disliked the former. Yet, with all
+his aversion to THACKERAY, personally--and "all his works" too,
+apparently, as he hardly mentions them--he records something very
+remarkable about the Satirist of the Snobs which could not be guessed
+at from THACKERAY'S own letters, nor from the anecdotes told about
+him. And it is this; that THACKERAY could make, and on occasion did
+make an excellent after-dinner speech. At the Macready banquet with
+BULWER LYTTON and DICKENS present, Mr. FRITH tells us, "THACKERAY also
+spoke well and very humorously." And there are three other instances;
+so that THACKERAY, who has recounted his own failure at the Literary
+Fund dinner, and whose utter collapse at the Cornhill Magazine dinner
+is a matter of Literary history, was not always a mistake as an
+after-dinner speaker. The modesty exhibited by Mr. FRITH in this
+autobiography is an exhibition as novel and attractive as was FRITH'S
+other exhibition in Bond Street,--because few autobiographers possess
+so keen a sense of humour as to be able to laugh at themselves, and to
+be candid about their own foibles and follies. Indeed some persons may
+think, and indeed he inclines to this opinion himself, that he goes
+too far in his frankness when narrating the practical jokes of that
+unscrupulous and cruel _farçeur_ SOTHERN the actor, in some of which
+the autobiographer appears to have played a small, but not altogether
+unimportant part. In his way Mr. FRITH is as frank and open in his
+revelations as to his past career, as was Cardinal NEWMAN in his
+straightforward _Apologia pro suâ vitâ_. In fact in these SOTHERN
+latitudes--there was a great deal of latitude in that quarter--Mr.
+FRITH'S work is suggestive less of an autobiography than of a
+naughty-biography. He owns that he feels "humiliated and pained" at
+recounting THACKERAY'S rude jocularity towards himself, and from the
+apologetic tone with which he introduces some of SOTHERN'S caddish
+practical jokes, in which Mr. FRITH had no share, and of which he was
+not the victim, it may be inferred that he had already begun to feel
+"humiliated and pained" at having given so much space to such stories.
+How glad he must now be that he kept a "dear Diary," which has been an
+invaluable aid to his memory.
+
+Another great merit in the book is that, without ever sacrificing its
+character as an Autobiography, it is never egotistical; egoism being
+the great "I-sore" of such works. Should the humble individual who
+writes this necessarily brief notice ever arrive at the time for
+publishing his Recollections, he is perfectly sure that the book will
+be unequalled as a work of imagination. Mr. FRITH tells us how he
+improved his pictures by touching them up,--some people, too, are
+occasionally improved by the same process, if the "touching up" is
+only done judiciously,--and his self-restraint is therefore really
+admirable when he rejects the temptation to embellish, or spice, a
+story which no one is likely to contradict. For instance, in what may
+be called the Sass-age portion of his early life, he has some amusing
+anecdotes about Mr. JACOB BELL, then an Art student. BELL drew a man
+hanging, and SASS, the master, told him to leave the studio, "as
+such a career," as the man hanging, "is a bad example to your
+fellow-pupils." Now Mr. FRITH ought to have given BELL a triumphant
+exit speech--he ought to have said to SASS, "Sir, I was only
+illustrating what should be the fate of every one of your successful
+pupils--_to be hung on the line_. Good day." Exit BELL. Then he
+recounts how JACOB BELL, who, like SOTHERN, had a taste for such
+practical jokes as are utterly indefensible on the score of good taste
+and gentlemanly feeling, dressed up as a woman, and went to a
+Quakers' Meeting House, where he sat among the female portion of the
+congregation. Thinking he was discovered, this nice young man "took
+fright," and bolted. Here Mr. FRITH should have made the jovial JACOB
+subsequently explain that "he left because the women were all jealous
+of him, as he was the only 'BELL' among them." Mr. FRITH, full of his
+fun, jests, and humour, must be congratulated on having stuck to the
+truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
+
+And if anyone wants a first-rate ghost-story for the coming Christmas
+time, let him get Mr. FRITH'S book, and read how the prosaic and
+sensible Mr. WESTWOOD saw a ghost. It is simply but exquisitely told,
+and were it not that Mr. FRITH had previously owned to his complicity
+with SOTHERN in some of his "spiritualistic" demonstrations, there
+would be no sort of ground for suspecting him capable of joking on
+such serious subjects. The book is full of good stories, among which
+_The Mysterious Sitter_ and _Beckford at Fonthill_ are about the best.
+There is already a rail round MUDIE'S counter, and in front of all
+SMITH'S stalls, to keep off the crowds from taking away FRITH'S latest
+production without paying. Many of us are eye-witnesses to the fact
+of the rails in front of SMITH'S bookstalls all the way down the
+line wherever a train runs. Mr. FRITH'S very good health, and, as his
+friend _Rip-Van-Winkle_ JEFFERSON used to say, "May he live long an'
+prosber."
+
+_De Omnibus Rebus_, by the author of _Flemish Interiors_. An odd book
+to be taken up at odd times. Amusing and chatty with a good deal of
+shrewd observation. He who rides may read; and as it is published by
+NIMMO, this firm in this instance might adopt the old Latin motto,
+"_'Nimmo' mortalium omnibus horis sapit_;" i.e. "NIMMO is wise to
+bring out a book for the omnibus hours of mortals."
+
+  OUR OWN BOOKWORM.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Madame PATTI'S house, in some unpronounceable Welsh place, was broken
+into by burglars. We hope they didn't rob her of any notes. The
+thieves came from Town--they were not Welshmen, oh no! _Mr. Punch_ has
+always asserted of the Welsh,--
+
+    "Taffy's not a thief."
+
+And it wasn't Taffy who went to PATTI'S house and stole a matter
+of seven pounds' worth of French francs. They found a box of M.
+NICOLINI'S cigars. But the thieves knew where to draw the line, and
+chucked the lot away in the garden, among the other weeds. They
+were "up to snuff," but not to tobacco in this form. Query, will M.
+NICOLINI'S friends be delighted to accept cigars from his case in
+future?
+
+       ***
+
+The Centenary of _Don Giovanni_ was celebrated at the two Universities
+by a banquet of the principal Dons.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BARTLETT'S BABY.
+
+  Welcome little Stranger! You
+  Are the darling of the Zoo,
+  BARTLETT'S babe, the public pet.
+  Lucky, lucky Zoo to get,
+  At a cost scarce worth the mention,
+  Living proof beyond contention
+  Of--oh! well, of whatsoever
+  _Savants_ sage and critics clever,
+  On their controversial mettle,
+  May--or maybe may _not_--settle.
+  Six-and-twenty years ago
+  (Buffers elderly may know)
+  Rose the great Gorilla feud;
+  Dr. GRAY was rather rude,
+  Rather on DU CHAILLU down,
+  And the shindy stirred the Town.
+  OWEN, great on brains and bones,
+  Lectured it in learned tones;
+  HUXLEY to the battle rushed;
+  Mutually they "pished" and "tushed"
+  In that calm and courteous way
+  _Savants_ have, when they're in fray.
+  _Mr. Punch_, with ample reason,
+  Called you "Lion of the Season,"
+  Great Gorilla. Now 'tis plain
+  The old fame revives again.
+  Happy BARTLETT! Lucky Ape!
+  Fortune comes in curious shape.
+  You perchance, oh simian child!
+  Might have roamed the Afric wild,
+  Like a nigger unreclaimed.
+  Unobserved, unknown, unnamed,
+  Fame concerning you quite dumb,
+  Even your "colossal thumb,"
+  By the scribes who columns vamp us,
+  Undescribed; your "hippo-campus"
+  (Whatsoever _that_ may be)
+  Not of notoriety.
+  Now!--Ah, infantine Gorilla,
+  Every small suburban villa
+  With your rising fame will ring;
+  All the sort of folk who bring
+  Buns unto the prisoned bear,
+  To your cage will come, and stare.
+  Buns? Oh, BARTLETT,--master sage,
+  Autocrat of den and cage!--
+  Nothing will begrudge, I'm sure,
+  That may nourish, please, or cure
+  His prognathous little pet.
+  Half the luxuries you'll get
+  Would leave satiate and cloyed
+  Any hungry "Unemployed."
+  Cakes--and, if you like it, Ale--
+  Oh, Gorilla, will not fail;
+  GUNTER'S you may sack at will,
+  Or, if you prefer to fill
+  Otherwise your dainty maw
+  Than with sweeties and stick-jaw,
+  Like the indiscriminate bear,
+  You may choose your Bill of Fare.
+  Toys? Ah, bring them, baby, quick;
+  Will a monkey on a stick
+  Touch a sympathetic chord?
+  Well, let's hope you won't be bored,
+  Baby Ape, by BARTLETT'S love,
+  And the crowds who'll stare and shove;
+  Long for Afric wild but free,
+  And a station "up a tree,"
+  Watching, with prehensile thumb,
+  For--whatever food may come.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "HERE'S ANOTHER GUY!"
+
+OR, THE BABY GORILLA AT THE ZOO.
+
+_Nurse Bartlett._ "HE SHALL HAVE A FIFTEEN-SHILLING PINE, HE SHALL!
+AND FINEST ENGLISH HOT-HOUSE GRAPES, HE SHALL! AND GOLD-DUST TOO, IF
+HE CRIES FOR IT, THE LITTLE DARLING!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VOCES POPULI.
+
+SCENE--_The People's Palace; In Building set apart for Poultry,
+Pigeon, and Rabbit Show. Stream of Visitors inspecting animals in zinc
+and wire pens._
+
+_Amandus Milendius (to Amanda Milendia: coming to a halt before cage
+containing "roopy"-looking fowl, with appearance of having been sent
+out on pair of legs several sizes too tall for it)._ They've 'ighly
+commended _'im_, yer see.
+
+_Amanda M. (who does not converse with facility)._ Um!
+
+    [_Looks at bird without seeing it._
+
+_Amandus._ Yes, they must ha' thought 'ighly of 'im before they'd
+commend him like that, yer know!
+
+_Amanda (wishing she was readier of response)._ Ah! (_The fowl winks
+slowly at her with his lower eyelid_). Come away--I don't like him!
+
+    [_They move on._
+
+_The Exhibitor (coming up and inspecting his bird with pride)._
+'Ere--JOE! (_Fowl shuts both eyes with a bored expression_). B'longs
+to _me_--that bird, Sir! (_To Bystander._)
+
+_Visitor (from the West; anxious to be agreeable)._ Ha, a fine
+bird--magnificent!
+
+_Exhibitor._ Bred 'im myself, Sir--he's a bit sleepy just now.
+(_Apologetically_). Wake up, ole chap! (_Fowl half opens one eye, and
+closes it immediately on perceiving proprietor._) _Knows_ me, yer see!
+
+_Visitor (with fatal rashness)._ A--a Brahma, isn't he?
+
+    [_Wonders what made him say that, and tries to think what Brahmas
+are like--when they are not locks._
+
+_Exhibitor (in tone of pitying reproach)._ _No,_ Sir--no.--Black Red
+_Bantam_, Sir!
+
+_Visitor (wishing he had remained vague)._ Oh--ah, just so--good
+evening.
+
+_A Cock (derisively)._ Crorky--rorky--roo!
+
+AT THE RABBIT PENS.
+
+_Another Exhibitor (accompanied by Friend with Catalogue)._ I ain't
+come across my Buck yet. He took a prize, I heerd. (_Stops at Cage._)
+Ah, this looks like him.... Third Prize, yer see--not so bad, eh?
+    [_Chuckles._
+
+_The Friend._ Hold on a bit! (_Refers to Catalogue._) "Number seven
+'underd and two. PARTON. Buck. Eight months." _Your_ name ain't
+PARTON.
+
+_Exhib._ Then it's mine in the next. _Second_ Prize! Better'n Third,
+that, ain't it?
+
+_The Friend._ They've got _that_ down as PARTON'S too.
+
+_Exhib._ Well, I _thought_ some'ow as----_this_ is him anyway. Look
+'ere! _First_ Prize! And deserves it, though I sez it myself!
+
+_Friend (not without a certain satisfaction)._ No--no, you're wrong
+again. I'll show you where _you_ are. See. "Seven 'underd and five. W.
+CROPPER. Buck. Ten months." _That's_ you!
+
+_Exhib. (incredulously)._ That? that ain't never _my_ cream buck!
+(_The rabbit remains wrapt in meditation._) I'll soon show yer.
+(_Blows in rabbit's face. Mutual recognition. Tableau._) It _is_ my
+buck! And only 'ighly commended! (_Recovering himself._) Well, I arsk
+you if he oughtn't to ha' done the other--him as they've given the
+First Prize to? Why, there ain't no comparison between them two
+rabbits!
+
+_The Cock (encouragingly)._ Crorky-rorky-roo!
+
+_The Friend (losing all further interest)._ Well, it's all chance
+like. Let's go and 'ave a look at them Lops.
+
+_Crowd of Admirers around pen containing gigantic gander._
+
+_First Admirer._ That's _WILKINSES'_ gander, that is.
+
+_Second Admirer._ A fine-grown bird, I _will_ say.
+
+    [_Handsomely, as if he would hardly have expected such a person as
+WILKINS to produce anything as good as THAT._
+
+_Third Admirer._ Monster, ain't he? Why, yer might _ride_ on him!
+
+_Small Child (pointing delightedly at the Gander)._ 'Ook, Mozzer,
+pitty duck!
+
+_Fond Parent (admiringly)._ I declare it's wonderful how quick he gets
+the names--it _is_ a fine duck!
+
+_The Cock (with a touch of correction)._ Crorky--rorky--roo!
+
+_A Connoisseur (inspecting pigeon)._ Now, _there's_ a nice
+pigeon--that _is_ a nice pigeon; but I tell yer what it is--he ain't
+got the space to do hisself justice in there. Give him a bigger pen,
+and a brick to stand on, and you'd soon see the difference!
+
+_Fellow Conn._ They ought to ha' give him more room to show off his
+tail in--else what's the good of a bird _'aving_ a tail, come to that?
+
+_First Conn. (sententiously)._ Ah, you've 'it it.
+
+_Competitor (apparently, unsuccessful)._ I say, (_with bitter
+sarcasm_) 'Are yer seen the pair as take a Fust? Birds I wouldn't pick
+up if I found 'em in the street--no, _that_ I wouldn't! Fust Prize to
+them--hor-hor! Well, the world's comin' to a pretty pass, I must say!
+Arter _that!_----    [_Eloquent aposiopesis._
+
+_Amandus (tolerantly, to Amanda)._ Well, pidgings _are_ pretty much
+alike, unless you've been brought up to know the differences. I 'ad a
+_Uncle_ a breeder.
+
+_Amanda (feeling that her ignorance is no longer a discredit)._ Then
+_you'd_ know!    [_They go out arm-in-arm, silent but sympathetic._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INTERIORS AND EXTERIORS. No. 52.
+
+[Illustration: PLATFORM ORATORY. By Our Travelling Special.
+
+[Our Politicians now, in humble imitation of the Great Original, are
+adopting the fashion of making speeches from railway carriages,
+or utilising the ten minutes allowed for refreshment by addressing
+constituents on the platform. The Railway Companies, in order to
+observe strict neutrality, should re-construct carriages to suit and
+carry the political leaders, and should re-build or increase existing
+stations on the line, so as to accommodate the public with various
+"platforms."]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Enter-tainments" are not now so much the object of our Fireproof
+Theatrical Managers as "Exit-tainments." At TERRY'S new theatre
+everyone feels perfectly secure. It is only the Lessee, who always
+appears terry-fied.
+
+       ***
+
+DEPARTURE OF DISTINGUISHED FURRY-NERS.--The _Standard_ said last week
+that two thousand live rabbits were on the eve of being despatched
+to British Columbia. Fifty thousand onions should be sent with them.
+What's a Rabbit without onions? _L'Onion fait la force._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER CHANCE FOR JOE AND JESSE.
+
+Mr. CAVE, long associated with theatrical management--re-opens
+Sadler's Wells on the fifth of November. We are assured that Mr.
+CHAMBERLAIN'S recent visit to Merrie Islington had nothing whatever to
+do with the forthcoming "good old-fashioned Grimaldi comic pantomime,"
+with which Mr. CAVE promises to entertain his patrons at Christmas
+time. Perhaps, after all, the Fisheries Commissioner is not going to
+Canada, but is going to join A. CAVE at Islington, for what on earth
+is the use of a "Grimaldi pantomime" without a "JOEY?" Then what
+a chance for him, in the good old Grimaldi style, to sing "Hot
+Collings," rewritten by his faithful accompanyist JESSE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TORCHLIGHT AND GUY FAWKES DAY.--Mr. GLADSTONE says that coming into
+collision with the Police on the subject of torches, "he would rather
+suffer torchers!"
+
+       ***
+
+MR. WILFUL BLUNT.--Whether the right of Free Speaking is permitted in
+Ireland or not, we would decline just now to decide. But certain BLUNT
+speaking was very soon stopped.
+
+       ***
+
+"AU PLAISIR."--Motto for AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS during the run of the
+present piece.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FOUR NOBLE BURGLARS.
+
+  A Baron, a Marquis, a Duke, and an Earl
+    Were dining together one evening at White's;
+  They were all overdone by the worry and whirl
+    Of a long London season's amusements and sights--
+  By the luncheons that stupify, dinners that tire,
+    Dull rides in the Row, deadly five o'clock teas,
+  At which fashion condemns you to gasp and perspire
+    While draining the cup of _ennui_ to the lees.
+
+  No pleasure they took in the joys of the table;
+    Though stalwart, they recked not to breakfast or sup--
+  E'en to plunge at _bézique_ they no longer were able,
+    For the fact was these nobles were deuced hard up!
+  Moaned the Marquis, "We're all in a state of depression;
+    As for me, my existence is simply a bore;
+  Let us strike a new line out--adopt some profession
+    Which no British Peer ever practised before."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  Then the Baron cried, "Listen, old chappies; I've hit
+    On a notion that's brilliant and perfectly new;--
+  Why shouldn't we four try to burgle a bit,
+    And wrest from the wealthy what's fairly our due?
+  Garotting is vulgar, and cruel to boot,
+    The pickpocket oft is despised when detected;
+  But burglary's just the profession to suit
+    A lover of enterprise, highly connected."
+
+  A paper was fetched, and his Grace read aloud
+    The following paragraph:--"Criminal Tips!
+  Young Nobles and Gentlemen under a cloud
+    Apply to Professor JEHOSHAPHAT FIPPS,
+  At his residence, 2, Sheppard Buildings, E.C.,
+    Where he nightly gives lessons, from seven till nine,
+  To youngsters of spirit, from prejudice free,
+    In arts which amusement with profit combine."
+
+  Next evening the Peers, fully dressed for their parts
+    In moleskin and highlows and flat beaver-caps,
+  Sought out the Professor with quick-throbbing hearts,
+    Their courage all but in a state of collapse.
+  Mr. FIPPS gave them seats; then politely inquired,
+    If aught to oblige them perchance he could do,
+  And replied, when they told him what 'twas they required,
+    "All right, noble sportsmen!--I'll soon put you through!"
+
+  He taught them to handle the jemmy with grace,
+    To frisk with the centrebit, toy with the file--
+  To flourish the fitful dark-lantern apace,
+    And wield the gay crowbar in elegant style;
+  With skeleton-keys to pick counting-house locks,
+    To ply the dumb saw and the chisel that's cold,
+  To prize up the lid of a banker's strong-box,
+    And the portals of burglar-proof safes to unfold.
+
+  When their Lordships were thoroughly versed in their trade,
+    And had passed their exams, in a masterly way,
+  They agreed that a dashing attempt should be made,
+    Their expertness to test without further delay.
+  Should they first try their hands at a light, easy job,
+    Not too risky, but graceful, artistic and neat,
+  Or essay a bold stroke the Exchequer to rob,
+    Or the merry Old Lady of Threadneedle Street?
+
+  At last they resolved that the best thing to do,
+    Was to try an experiment, just for a lark,
+  (And to keep their hands in for a lucrative _coup_,)
+    On a workman's abode near Victoria Park.
+  They hankered for something quite simple and plain,
+    Both suburban and poor, for their trial essay;
+  So they picked out a one-storeyed house down a lane,
+    Which they learned had been empty for many a day.
+
+  They commenced their attack in the dead of the night,
+    Scaled a wall, dug a tunnel, and cut through two floors,
+  Wrenched a lock off with stern, irresistible might,
+    And broke open some thoroughly unsecured doors.
+  For booty they hunted below and on high--
+    But naught could they find save a chunk of cold veal,
+  Till, down in the basement, they chanced to espy,
+    Near the back-kitchen sink a huge trapdoor of steel.
+
+  In a second the trap from its fastness they tore,
+    When, heaped up pell-mell, of all shapes and all sizes,
+  The gratified Peers beheld score upon score
+    Of grand and legitimate housebreakers' prizes,--
+  Tiaras of rubies and diamond _rivières_,
+    Superb jewelled bracelets and brooches and rings,
+  Great emerald, sapphire, and pearl _solitaires_,
+    And all manner of precious, magnificent things.
+
+  As they gazed on these treasures with glittering eyes,
+    Lightly handling the gewgaws with delicate touches,
+  The Duke softly murmured, "Oh! what a surprise!
+    Why, some of these trinkets belong to the Duchess!"
+  "By Jove!" said the Marquis, "this carcanet here
+    Has been worn scores of times by my dowager-aunt!"
+  And the Baron rejoined, "It seems perfectly clear
+    That this squalid abode is a regular plant!"
+
+  "What a joke!" cried the Earl. "We have chanced on the ken
+    Of professional brethren, our seniors in guile,
+  And I think that, for young inexperienced men,
+    We have collared their plunder in workmanlike style.
+  Let us cull and remove these nefarious hoards--
+    We can turn the whole lot into cash at our leisure;
+  A delightful career is before us, my Lords,
+    A bright future of usefulness, profit, and pleasure!"
+
+  The next day they disposed of their swag for a plum,
+    And invested the proceeds in Spaniards and Turks,
+  After nobly deducting a moderate sum
+    For the Burglar's Relief Fund and other good works.
+  They paid all their creditors, kept up their rank.
+    Betted ponies and monkeys like regular "toppers;"
+  Till one night, as they'd just broken into a bank,
+    These deserving young nobles were nailed by the "coppers."
+
+  The Old Bailey was crowded one sunny May morn
+    With ladies arrayed in superlative frocks,
+  When the jury who sate on our nobles forlorn,
+    Found them guilty at once, without leaving the box.
+  And it thus came to pass, I regret to relate,
+    That these earnest, industrious, well-meaning Peers,
+  The pride of their order, the stay of the State,
+    Were condemned to pick oakum for twenty-one years!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A WORD FOR THE WAR-OFFICE.--Mrs. RAMSBOTHAM says it's all very well
+to talk about the parsimony of the War-Office; but she hears that the
+soldiers are provided with fatigue jackets, and thinks it's really
+kind of the Authorities to supply the men with something special to
+wear when they are tired.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW WE ADVERTISE NOW.
+
+[Illustration: SUGGESTION FOR UTILISING A NOW WELL-KNOWN MURAL
+DECORATION(?)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber's Notes
+
+A small number of minor typographical errors have been corrected.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+93, November 5, 1887, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, NOV. 5, 1887 ***
+
+***** This file should be named 37465-8.txt or 37465-8.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
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+<title>Punch, November 5th, 1887.</title>
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+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 93,
+November 5, 1887, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 93, November 5, 1887
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: September 17, 2011 [EBook #37465]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, NOV. 5, 1887 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer,
+Nigel Blower and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<h1>PUNCH,<br />
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+<h2>Vol. 93.</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<h2>November 5th 1887.</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page205" id="page205"></a>[pg 205]</span></p>
+
+<h2>THE LETTER-BAG OF TOBY, M.P.</h2>
+
+<h3><span class="sc">From an Intending Emigrant.</span></h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:45%;">
+<a href="images/205.png">
+<img width="100%" src="images/205.png" alt="Intending Emigrant" />
+</a>
+</div>
+
+<p class="right"><i>Liverpool, Saturday Noon.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Dear Toby</span>,</p>
+
+<p>My boat is on the shore,
+And my bark is on the sea,
+But before I go, <span class="sc">To-bee</span>,
+I will write a line to thee.
+I am here to join the bark
+aforesaid, which will presently
+convey <span class="sc">Joseph</span> and
+his fortunes to the United
+States. As far as one can
+judge from the Press news
+telegraphed here, the reception
+that awaits me is
+not very cordial. I have
+all my life been conscious
+of a tendency to rub people
+down the wrong way.
+Unhappily the consciousness
+is borne in upon me
+only after the evil is effected. No succession of experience has effect
+upon my conduct. <span class="sc">Hartington</span> and I are pretty good friends now,
+but I daresay you will remember the night, now a dozen years dead,
+when I rose from a seat below the Gangway in the House of Commons
+and, amid frantic cheers from the little Radical Party of which I was
+then a humble ornament, denounced him as "<i>late</i> the Leader of the
+Liberal Party." The Markiss is now my friend and ally, and I might
+almost say patron. The time is too short for me to recall a tithe of
+the nasty things I have said about him and others who toil not,
+neither do they spin. With <span class="sc">Gladstone</span> the process is reversed, but
+in the end is much the same. I began by adulating him, and now
+no one can say that that is my precise attitude towards him.</p>
+
+<p>It is more or less well as far as individuals are concerned. But I
+am afraid I put my foot in it when, in defiance of historic warning,
+I framed an indictment against a whole nation. Going out to the
+New World on a mission of peace, I began by aggravating Canada
+and setting up the back of the United States. When I reflect how
+easy it would have been for me to say nothing, I stand amazed at
+my own indiscretion. The only recompense I find in the situation is
+the chagrin of the Markiss and his friends. They thought they had
+done a nice stroke of policy in engaging me on this business. It is,
+of course, not a new procedure. If I were still on the other side, I
+should take delight in showing that herein, as in the matter of the
+Convention with France just completed, they have taken a leaf out of
+the book of their political opponents, and re-issued it with their own
+imprimatur. The last time a Commissioner was sent out from England
+to reason with the United States, <span class="sc">Gladstone</span> was in the Markiss's
+place, and he selected <span class="sc">Stafford Northcote</span> as the agent. It was an
+excellent device, tying in advance the hands of the enemy, who could
+scarcely denounce a policy for the initiation and direction of which one
+of their principal men was chiefly responsible. But what a difference
+between <span class="sc">Stafford Northcote</span> and me!&mdash;a difference which the
+Markiss is already beginning to realise. The proposal suited me
+well enough. It would take me away from the country at a time
+when my presence here only involves me in embarrassing controversy.
+Moreover, if I made a great hit, and insured a successful
+Treaty, it would pave the way for my return to my old position in
+the popular esteem. As for the Markiss, my acceptance of the work
+would secure for him an ally on the Opposition benches in the event
+of future debate arising out of the Treaty, and would draw into
+close, personal union with his Party what only natural modesty prevents
+me from alluding to as a formidable antagonist. That was the
+little game; and for the sake of saying something bitter, under the
+temptation to gird at an adversary that had affronted me, I hopelessly
+spoiled it.</p>
+
+<p>Writing to you, <i>cher</i> <span class="sc">Toby</span>, in the confidence of friendly correspondence
+(I suppose your letters are not opened at the Post Office,
+Barkshire not being an Irish county) I will confess that I really
+could not help it. It is not that I do not know better, but my
+temper is perhaps a little peculiar. I am essentially a fighting-man.
+If any one bites his thumb at me I will know the reason why, and
+no considerations of what is politic will prevent me from returning
+a blow. I know that some people think I'm almost to be pitied
+because (as they put it) I have hopelessly thrown away a position
+which no one but myself could have destroyed. They think I am
+politically done for. We shall see. However it be, I shall not forget
+the wild joy of battle that the events of the past year have purchased
+for me. I like it best with my back to the wall in the House of
+Commons, when my old friends jeer and howl at me, and the rapturous
+cheers of the Conservatives testify their pleasure at seeing me
+of all men playing their game&mdash;as they think. I confess things at
+the moment are not from any point of view very bright. But I can
+afford to wait, strong in the assurance that I can do better without
+the Liberal Party than the Liberal Party can do without me. They
+call me a Dissentient, which reminds me of a story I once heard
+about an aboriginal resident in the great country whither I am now
+hastening. A red man was found wandering in the depths of the
+forest with signs of perturbation manifest beneath his manfully
+calm exterior. "Are you lost?" he was asked. "No," he answered,
+"me no lost. Me here. Wigwam lost." It is not I that am a
+Dissentient Liberal; it is the Liberal Party that is the Dissentient.</p>
+
+<p>Now here is the Mayor come to say that luncheon's ready, and so,
+dropping into poetry again, I will say good-bye, With a sigh to those
+who love me, And a smile to those who hate, And, whatever sky's
+above me, Here's a heart for every fate. Yours faithfully,</p>
+
+<p class="author"><span class="sc">J. Ch-mb-rl-n</span>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>BOUNTIES TO FOREIGNERS.</h2>
+
+<p><i>First Passenger (in Underground Railway).</i> We're such a frightfully
+<i>insular</i> nation! Ignorant, exclusive, say-nothing-to-nobody
+sort of people! Think there's nothing beyond Straits of Dover&mdash;or
+Atlantic Ocean.</p>
+
+<p><i>Second Ditto (agreeing out of politeness).</i> Horrible? By the bye,
+that's a nice picture of the Paris Hippodrome, isn't it?</p>
+
+<p><i>First Passenger (indifferently).</i> Is it? But, as I was saying,
+insularity is our&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Second Ditto (startled).</i> Hullo! By Jove!&mdash;no, it can't be true!
+Yes, it is&mdash;here's an English newspaper taken to giving a column, a
+whole column, of French news <i>in French!</i> (<i>Humorously.</i>) Very
+insular, isn't it?</p>
+
+<p><i>First Passenger (not understanding the point).</i> Very. And, as I
+was saying, it's our besetting sin. We hide our heads like ostriches,
+and refuse to recognise the existence of foreigners. Then what does
+this insularity mean? It means we're <i>isolated</i>&mdash;cut off from Europe&mdash;hated
+by everybody.</p>
+
+<p><i>Second Ditto (roused at last).</i> I don't know what you call being
+insular and isolated. French Plays are on at a London Theatre. An
+Italian Exhibition's coming to Earl's Court. We get our music from
+Germany, our singers from Italy, and our butter and eggs from
+Belgium and Brittany; and, on the whole, don't you think London's
+about the most Cosmopolitan Capital to be found anywhere? Ah,
+here's my Station. Good morning!</p>
+
+<p class="right">[<i>Jumps out in time to escape indignant retort. Exit.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="sc">Magazines in Bulk.</span>&mdash;It is as impossible to "sample" a magazine
+by a monthly number as it is to estimate the quality of a wine by the
+glass. If you take a bottle you know something about it. Thus
+when we see the <i>English Illustrated</i> in volume we are fully able to
+estimate its worth. The present volume is in every way equal to its
+predecessors. Volume Fourteen of <i>St. Nicholas</i> is one of those good
+gifts that Brother <span class="sc">Jonathan</span> sends us. It is a delightful collection
+of child-poems, child-pictures, and child-lore. The editor, Miss
+<span class="sc">Mary Mapes Dodge</span> knows full well how difficult it is to please
+those keen critics, the children, but she has "dodged" it.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="sc">The Mac Battenberg.</span>&mdash;<i>Mr. Punch</i> is delighted to hear that
+mother and child are doing well, and congratulates the Infant
+Princess on being the first of the Royal Family to be born in Scotland
+since 1600. Could not the next be born in Ireland? "The
+<span class="sc">O'Battenberg</span>," would be a splendid title.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="sc">Latest From Lichfield.</span>&mdash;<span class="sc">Dr. Johnson</span> loved "a good hater."
+He ought to have flourished next year&mdash;Hatey-hate! Ha! ha!</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page206" id="page206"></a>[pg 206]</span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;">
+<a href="images/206-1.png">
+<img width="100%" src="images/206-1.png" alt="EMPLOYMENT." />
+</a>
+<h3>"EMPLOYMENT."</h3>
+
+<p><i>First Loafer.</i> "'<span class="sc">Say, Mate, if they was to put a Shovel in yer 'Ands,
+an' tell yer to go to Work, would yer take it?</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Second Loafer.</i> "'<span class="sc">Course I would.</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>First Loafer.</i> "<span class="sc">Would yer Use it?</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Second Loafer.</i> "'<span class="sc">Course I would?&mdash;like a Shot! I'd Spout it!</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>ROBERT ON LUXURY.</h2>
+
+<p>Alderman Sir <span class="sc">Renery Knight</span>, late Lord Mare, and one of the werry best
+as we ever had, and so was his good wife, the Lady Maress, hapening for to
+be a setting at the Manshun House when the <span class="sc">Lord Mare</span> was gorn out for a ride
+somewheres, had to receive what I thinks is called a Deputytashun&mdash;though not
+a bit like reel Deputys, who is all werry rich&mdash;of poor working-men as ain't got
+not no work to do, and, like the kind gennelman as he is, he gave 'em sum such
+capital adwice as to the utter stoopidity of making theirselves noisy and disagreeable
+when they wants to make people kindly dispoged towards 'em, and
+as to the well-known fackt, that the best friends of the working-classes is them
+as spends their money the most freest and the most liberalist, that he set the
+hole City a ringing with it, and as always happens alike in exacly similar cases,
+up starts a mere upstart of a Pollytickle Economist&mdash;how I hates the werry
+sound of that larst word, which is ony another name for stingyness and
+meanness and sham forgitfulness of the pore Waiter&mdash;and says as it ain't true!
+Like his imperance I think, but of coarse ewery body has a right to his own
+opinion, however ridicklus it may be. But being a Lecturer, and therefore I
+spose acustomed to use his tung pretty freely, he mite have been xpected to
+have kept a civil one in his head when he rote his reply to Sir <span class="sc">Renery</span>. Instead
+of which he fust calls him incorrygible, which I beleeve means that he carnt be
+conwicted, as if a Alderman and Magistrate could be! He then writes of his
+"Colossal ignorance!" I don't quite know what it means but I'm quite sure
+that however small the Alderman's may be, the Lecturer's is ever so much
+bigger, as I'll prove from my own pussonal knowledge.</p>
+
+<p>He acshally has the ordassity to adwise the Rite Honerable the <span class="sc">Lord Mare</span>
+not to employ so many cooks! Poor hignoramus! has he ever dined at the
+Manshun House on a trewly grate ocashun? Most suttenly not, or he never
+would have written such a silly, not to say cruel sentence. Not so many cooks
+indeed! Does he think that the Chef who has given his whole mind to the
+preparing of the Thick and Clear Turtle, is not so utterly xhausted that he has
+to drink two or three glasses of werry old Madeary, and
+then lay down on his sophy and recover hisself by slow
+degrees. Does he think that the Fish Cooks, with praps
+six differing kinds of Fish to prepare, is fit for anything
+else? and how about the Sauce Artists, let him try to
+emagine, tho' he'll try in wain, what they has to go
+through in the tasting line. Then there are the French
+gentlemen who superintend the production of those
+wunders in what they calls the guestronommick line,
+wiz.: the <i>Ontrays!</i> Is it supposed by this "curlossal"
+hignoramus, that they can, after achieving brilliant
+success in these wunders of hart, condescend to turn
+their attention to such werry small deer as poultry and
+jints? Suttenly not, the thing's absurd. But they
+requires cooks, tho' of coarse, not of the same hi horder
+as the Hartists.</p>
+
+<p>But, strange to tell, ewen this is not the wust. Not
+only is the <span class="sc">Lord Mare</span> adwised not to employ so many
+Cooks, but the trewly wunderful reason is given, becoz
+he can then employ more railway navvies! Shades of
+<span class="sc">Frank Hurtelly</span> and <span class="sc">Swoyhay</span>, rest tranquil in your
+long graves!</p>
+
+<p>But what a dedly hinsult to one of the werry noblest
+of all noble perfessions, to compare for usefulness a mere
+railway navvy to a great Chef. Is this strange economist
+aware that the great Earl of <span class="sc">Sefton</span>, prais to his
+memory! used to allow his Chef £300 a year and a Horse
+and Broom for the Park! But all sitch conclusive arguments
+is I fear utterly lost upon him.</p>
+
+<p>However, there is just one matter for which I have to
+thank him. I confess that my face werry possibly turned
+gashly pale as I read his orful letter, I fornatrally thort
+if he is going to recommend less Cooks he may werry
+posserbly be a going for to recommend less Waiters!
+But no, he had the good taste to draw his line there, and
+for that I thanks him. What a treat it is to turn from
+the wild projecks of the Lecterer to the wise counsels
+of the Alderman. No doubt, he says, we could all do
+without luxuries, but what would become of the millions
+who produces them? No doubt, he says, we could all
+live on plain food and drink water&mdash;what orful words for
+a Alderman to write down!&mdash;but then what would become
+of the millions who earns their living in preparing
+them, and he might have added, as a clencher to his
+staggering argument, and what would become of Hus?
+If there is one picter that presents itself to my orrified
+imagination, that more than any other staggers it, it is
+that of the hole splendid Army of London Waiters, with
+their full dress black coats a gitting jist a leetle shabby,
+and their lovely white chokers jest a leetle shady, a
+parading the London Streets, and a singing in Chorus,
+"We've got no work to do!" But no, I feels as that
+orful dream will never live to be realised, but, to use the
+classic langwidge as the Lecturer quotes from some frend
+of his, and which I supposes as he intends as a complement,
+"let the idol rich still take their proper place as
+drones in the hive, gorging at a feast to which they have
+contributed nothing," and he might have added, and
+never never forgetting the Waiter.</p>
+
+<p class="author"><span class="sc">Robert.</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width:20%;">
+<a href="images/206-2.png">
+<img width="100%" src="images/206-2.png" alt="Salvationist" />
+</a>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Mr. Punch</span> was pleased to notice that a certain noisy
+Salvationist, who would
+insist on playing the
+cornet&mdash;did he profanely
+call it "The horn
+of salvation?"&mdash;to the
+disturbance of quiet citizens,
+was made to move
+on, and treated as a
+common street-organ
+nuisance by the Magistrate.
+Wanted, as soon
+as possible, an Act to
+stop all unauthorised Processions, be they what they may.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The disastrous fire at <span class="sc">Whiteley's</span> occupied the entire
+attention of thirty-four steam fire-engines, "leaving,"
+says the <i>Standard</i>, "about a dozen for the rest of London."
+The "rest" of London will be considerably disturbed if
+this state of things continues. We are under-police'd and
+under-fire-brigaded. If <span class="sc">Grandolph</span> the Great is afraid
+of becoming one of the Unemployed, and so getting into
+mischief, let him turn his attention to supply and demand
+in this direction, and the ex-Chancellor of the
+Exchequer may do some good.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page207" id="page207"></a>[pg 207]</span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+<a href="images/207.png">
+<img width="100%" src="images/207.png" alt="THE NOT-AT-ALL-AT-HOME SECRETARY." />
+</a>
+<h3>THE NOT-AT-ALL-AT-HOME SECRETARY.</h3>
+
+<p><i>Mr. General-Inspector Punch.</i> "<span class="sc">Now then, Matt, move on!
+Don't interfere with the Police in the execution of their Duty.</span>"</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"<i>The change of tactics last week on the part of the Police, in permitting a Meeting
+in Trafalgar Square, was said to be due to the interference of
+the Home Secretary.</i>"&mdash;<i>Daily Papers.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>T'other and Which; or, an Old Saw re-set.</h3>
+
+<p><i>The Showman at Nottingham or Islington (exhibiting figures of
+G. O. M. and Orchid Joe).</i> Here you see the Separatist Party as
+large as life!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dubious Elector.</i> Please, which is the Separatist Party?</p>
+
+<p><i>Showman.</i> Whichever you please, my little dear. You pays your
+money, and you gives your vote.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="sc">Free and Very Open.</span>&mdash;In Canterbury Cathedral, the other day,
+there was only one worshipper present at the Service! The occurrence
+is declared to be unprecedented, four having been the previous
+low-water-mark of attendance. It might be described as "one-man
+rule," only it isn't the rule, but the exception, it seems. If this sort
+of thing spreads, the craze for restoring our Cathedrals ought to give
+way to a cry for restoring their congregations. Was the Service
+altered to "Dearly Beloved Brother" or "Sister?"</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page208" id="page208"></a>[pg 208]</span></p>
+
+<h2>SHOWS VIEWS.</h2>
+
+<p class="center"><i>By Victor Who-goes-Everywhere.</i></p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width:18%;">
+<a href="images/208-1.png">
+<img width="100%" src="images/208-1.png" alt="M. Coquelin" />
+</a>
+</div>
+
+<p>M. <span class="sc">Coquelin</span> is at the Royalty with an efficient French Company
+appearing in a round of his best-known characters. He has already
+taken part in <i>Un Parisien, Don Cæsar
+de Bazan</i> and an entirely new piece
+(first time in London and elsewhere)
+<i>L'Aîné</i>. This last I had the pleasure
+of seeing the other evening, and was
+delighted to find that it was a play
+that could be safely recommended as
+a fit entertainment for their charge to
+the guardians of that apparently very
+easily-influenced infant, "The Young
+Person." It is rather suggestive of
+several English original pieces, amongst
+the rest <i>Miriam's Crime</i> and <i>Faded
+Flowers</i>. The adopted daughter
+(rescued as a child from the gutter) of
+a millionnaire, after her protector's
+death, undertakes the reformation of
+her benefactor's brother, who takes,
+through intestacy, the whole of his
+senior's estate. To carry this out
+effectively, the young lady prevents
+the heir from drinking his <i>chasse</i> after his coffee, and playing a
+game of <i>écarté</i> with an old friend, for love, and finally offers to
+marry him. The heir is as quiet as a lamb under these inflictions,
+until he discovers that his <i>fiancée</i> loves some one else, when he
+proposes, at the earliest possible moment, to commit suicide. This
+inconvenient intention is prevented, the adopted daughter marries
+the man of her choice, and the heir goes back to America, thus all
+ends happily. <span class="sc">Coquelin</span>, as the heir, was seen to very great advantage
+in the less sentimental parts of the character, but was not
+quite so successful when he commenced crying over the
+portrait of <i>L'Aîné</i>, which, by the way, was a very excellent
+likeness (without the eyeglass) of the Right Hon. <span class="sc">Joseph
+Chamberlain</span>. For the rest Madame <span class="sc">Malvau</span> was rather a mature
+adopted daughter, M. <span class="sc">Romain</span> (as "<i>Georges</i>&mdash;her friend") a little too
+heavy in more senses than one as the superfluous lover, and M.
+<span class="sc">Duquesne</span> a very excellent lawyer. There is nothing particularly
+brilliant in the writing, and only one line raises a laugh. When
+the vagabond friend of the heir extends his hand, <i>M. Vivien</i>,
+without a movement, merely asks, "<i>Combien?</i>" But on its
+repetition this admirable joke did not "go" quite so well.
+Still there is a freshness in the central idea of the play
+which is welcome. As a rule every one on the French stage
+weeps over somebody's mother, but in this case the tears were reserved
+for somebody's brother. It is said that the Author of the piece,
+M. <span class="sc">Paul Delair</span>, is a novice at stage-craft. This seems to me very
+likely, as had he had more experience, I fancy he would have
+allowed (especially if he had known that the character was going to
+be played by M. <span class="sc">Romain</span>) <i>M. Georges</i> to have been shot dead in the
+First Act. This would have been really a great improvement,
+especially had <i>Yveline</i> (the adopted daughter) been allowed to expire
+from grief early in the Second. Joking apart, <i>L'Aîné</i> is not half a
+bad piece, although I cannot conscientiously go so far as to say that
+it is half a good one. Before the engagement of M. <span class="sc">Coquelin</span> is over,
+the talented actor has promised to play <i>Gringoire</i>. No doubt this
+will be produced for the benefit of Mr. <span class="sc">Beerbohm Tree</span>, who richly
+deserves the compliment.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:18%;">
+<a href="images/208-2.png">
+<img width="100%" src="images/208-2.png" alt="Elephant" />
+</a>
+</div>
+
+<p>The Paris Hippodrome has once more taken possession of Olympia,
+where it seems likely to remain until well into next year. The entertainment
+is of the customary quality, which is saying a great deal in
+its praise. There are excellent <i>troupes</i> of acrobats and performing
+dogs (with a wonderful black poodle that
+is the best clown that has appeared in a
+Circus for many a long year), chariot-races,
+and horsemanship in all its
+branches. This season the Ladies have
+it all their own way. The last time M.
+<span class="sc">Houcke</span> visited us, Gentlemen drove the
+team of thirty-two, and jumped over the
+hurdles with the tandem of three; now
+their places are supplied by members of
+the fairer sex. The horses who take part
+in these feats are so admirably trained
+that the element of danger is entirely
+eliminated, and, consequently, the change is an improvement. Then
+an accomplished cob and an elegant elephant take a turn together
+in more senses than one, for they dance <i>vis-à-vis</i> a waltz and
+a polka. The novelty of the Show, however, is kept for the
+second part, and is apparently a page from the Algerian experiences
+of General <span class="sc">Boulanger</span>. The attention of a tribe of Arabs
+(seemingly on their road to church) having been attracted to a
+military train containing a bugle-band of Turcos and some half-dozen
+soldiers of the French line, devotions are temporarily abandoned
+for a pitched battle. The Arabs fire upon the Europeans, who, however,
+after a lively skirmish, succeed in "taking up a position" with
+the bugle-band, and then retire. The Arabs bearing no ill-will,
+dancing follows, and the fighting being quite over and forgotten,
+General <span class="sc">Boulanger</span>, accompanied by a Staff, swaggers in and assists
+at further military exercises. Then the bugle-band heads the procession
+of French and Arabs, and, after marching past <span class="sc">Boulanger</span>,
+<i>exeunt</i>. The attack upon the train, if a little perplexing from a
+purely historical point of view, is capitally managed, and very
+exciting. Since the opening night the large hall has been very well
+attended; and now that the American Exhibition is closed, may be
+expected to be crowded&mdash;and a crowded audience at the Addison
+Road cannot be recorded in less than five figures. "The Wild West
+is gone&mdash;long live Olympia!"</p>
+
+<p>A second visit to the Royal Westminster Aquarium has not improved
+my opinion of "the Wolves, the Wolves, the Wolves!" (see
+Advertisement) as a pleasure-insuring entertainment. I have already
+said that the tricks of these animals cause a "creepy" sensation,
+and when I made this observation I referred to the "kissing act,"
+wherein a wolf embraces the portly person in the Polish lancer's
+uniform who has trained it. But the fights between master and brutes
+are even less tolerable, as may be judged to be the case when I say
+that, on a recent occasion when I was present, the trainer seemed to
+be a good-half-hour (no doubt it was an infinitely less period of
+time) in getting one of his wild beasts into its allotted cage. It is
+not at all a nice sight to see a man beating a snapping and yelping
+wolf with a whip, for one feels that there is the element of cruelty
+on both sides. Take it allround, I prefer "the <i>belle</i> <span class="sc">Fatma</span>,"&mdash;that
+is, taking her all round, on which I need hardly say I should not
+venture,&mdash;to "the Wolves, the Wolves, the Wolves!" And I sincerely
+hope that <span class="sc">Fatma</span> (the old lady near her looks more like Fat Ma) may
+always be able to keep the wolf from her door.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>GENTLE JOHNNY BULL.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>The way with "demonstrations" tyrants used to take was brief&mdash;</p>
+<p>Justices gave a rioter the guerdon of a thief!</p>
+<p>Not only durance vile&mdash;our gentler nature how it shocks&mdash;</p>
+<p>But whipping-cheer, and oh! they set their Brother in the Stocks!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>In those days a Stump-Orator had reason to take care,</p>
+<p>How he denounced, derided, and defied the Powers that were.</p>
+<p>And if he talked High Treason&mdash;Imagine this, my dears!</p>
+<p>They put him in the pillory, and sometimes clipped his ears.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>A People's Friend, unless he took good heed to what he said,</p>
+<p>Was liable to answer for his language with his head.</p>
+<p>How venerable soever, a too talkative old Cock,</p>
+<p>His eloquence might bring him, though a Statesman, to the block.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>But happily we, Brethren, now are men of milder mood,</p>
+<p>And not, as were our ancestors, vindictive, stern, and rude.</p>
+<p>So much has done the milk of human kindness to assuage,</p>
+<p>The bile of British hardihood in this forbearing age!</p>
+  </div>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>MR. GLADSTONE ON THE FIFTH OF NOVEMBER.</h2>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Sir</span>,&mdash;You are wrong in supposing that the term, "Old Fireworks,"
+was originally applied to myself. I am of opinion, though I speak
+under a certain amount of correction, not such, however, as my young
+friend, <span class="sc">Grandolph</span>, would like to supply, that the term Old Fireworks
+was first applied to the celebrated <i>Mr. Pickwick</i>, though upon
+what occasion and by whom I cannot at this moment call to mind.
+To your second question, as to whether I approve of the conduct of
+<i>Mr. Samuel Weller</i> in resisting the Head Constable <i>Grummer</i>, I
+should say that, considering the provocation offered, <i>Mr. Weller</i>
+seems to have acted with remarkable self-restraint.</p>
+
+<p class="author">Yours faithfully,      G. O. M.</p>
+
+<p>P.S. Chips, real good chips, warranted quite dry, and only waiting
+for a match to set them in a blaze, may now be had at Hawarden
+Lodge at the ridiculously small charge of three-pence a piece, or two
+shillings and five-pence halfpenny per dozen. Immediate application
+personally or by letter is recommended. Also a copy of Nottingham
+speech and the Mitchelstown telegram, which, should any difficulty
+be experienced in kindling a bonfire, will at once set the heap
+into a splendid blaze. My song and chorus&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Remember, remember,</p>
+<p>The Mitchelstown ember,</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>and so forth, ought to be ready at all respectable music-publishers
+by November 3rd. 2<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i> per copy. Great reduction for clubs, schools,
+&amp;c. Chips! Chips! in the name of the Profit! Chips! G. O. M.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page209" id="page209"></a>[pg 209]</span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:45%;">
+<a href="images/209.png">
+<img width="100%" src="images/209.png" alt="LIKELY TO GET ON IN LIFE." />
+</a>
+<h3>"LIKELY TO GET ON IN LIFE."</h3>
+
+<p><i>Papa.</i> "<span class="sc">If I give you Sixpence, and tell you to buy Five
+Penny Papers, how much Change will you bring back to me?</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Sharp Boy (considering).</i> "<span class="sc">Well, Papa&mdash;let Me See&mdash;if you
+gave me Sixpence</span>&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p><i>Papa.</i> "<span class="sc">Yes&mdash;yes. How much Change to bring back to me?</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Sharp Boy (readily, and with decision).</i> "<span class="sc">None&mdash;not if you gave
+me the Sixpence!</span>"</p>
+
+<p class="stage">[<i>Papa determines to put the question in a different way next time.</i>]</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>TO THE INCOMPLETE (POLITICAL) ANGLER.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>O <span class="sc">Brummagem Joseph</span>, my boy, will you halt on</p>
+<p class="i2">Your sturdy, but scarce diplomatical way,</p>
+<p>And take from an ancient disciple of <span class="sc">Walton</span></p>
+<p class="i2">A few friendly hints about patience and "play"?</p>
+<p>As an Angler you have <i>Mr. Punch's</i> best wishes,</p>
+<p class="i2">But <i>do</i> you consider it wise, ere you start</p>
+<p>To throw stones in the water, and stir up the fishes?</p>
+<p class="i2">That's scarcely the right piscatorial art.</p>
+<p>No, stillness and silence, and delicate tact, Sir,</p>
+<p class="i2">Are needed for handling the rod and the reel.</p>
+<p>You may pelt and may splash, but you'll find it a fact, Sir,</p>
+<p class="i2">Who frightens the fishes will not fill his creel.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="sc">Hadwice Gratis.</span>&mdash;The Vaudeville Theatre announces a new play
+by Mr. <span class="sc">Enery Hauthor Jones</span>, called <i>Heart of Hearts</i>. To popularise
+it for Town use, much better call it <i>'Art of 'Arts</i> at once.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="sc">New Order</span> (<i>not issued from the Horse Guards.</i>)&mdash;The entire
+British Army to be submitted to a Fortnightly Review for the next
+three months at least.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="sc">Mem. for Police by General-Inspector Punch.</span>&mdash;Stop the
+Orators in Trafalgar Square, and let the Fountains be the only ones
+to spout.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="sc">'arry Stratford-atte-Bow's French Motto for the Fifth Of
+November.</span>&mdash;"<i>Toujours Guy.</i>"</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>OUR ADVERTISERS.</h2>
+
+<h3><span class="sc">Inverted, Educational, Medicinal, and Miscellaneous.</span></h3>
+
+<p>WANTED, BY AN INCORRIGIBLE LITTLE BOY, whose
+Parents have threatened to send him away from home on
+account of his perpetually insufferable conduct, a suitable domicile,
+where he will be afforded every facility for continuing it without
+hindrance and interruption. A quiet old country clergyman, and
+his wife, both a little short-sighted, and hard of hearing, occupying
+a retired Vicarage, that is in want of a little waking up, might
+write. House must be conveniently arranged for the setting of
+booby-traps, possess a good old-fashioned striking-clock, with
+accessible inside, a get-at-able upstairs' cistern, a dinner-gong, and
+plenty of bells. Bedroom might be furnished with a view to an
+occasional display of fireworks. Staircase with good top-to-bottom
+slide-down balusters indispensable. Would be glad to hear if there
+is a powerful garden-engine, in good working-order, on the premises;
+and also whether there is a decent sweetstuff and gunpowder-shop
+within easy distance. Apply by letter to "<span class="sc">Tartar</span>," Scarum Hall,
+Flingover, Notts.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>THE PRINCIPAL OF A YOUNG GENTLEMAN'S ACADEMY,
+who has, in turns, been a Stock-jobber, a Solicitor struck off
+the Rolls, a Light Comedian, an Undertaker, a Professor of
+Calisthenics, and a Hansom-cab Driver, and has now taken to the
+Education of Youth as a last resource to make ends meet, is anxious
+to hear from a sufficient number of dupes, in the shape of parsimonious
+Parents, to enable him to start his scheme, and see whether
+he can make anything out of it. They must be fools enough to
+believe that a thoroughly high-class, commercial, and classical education,
+including instruction in five modern languages, fitting the
+recipients for immediate entry into either the Church, the Army, or
+the Bar can be furnished, together with the use of an extensive
+swimming bath and gymnasium, and an unlimited supply of the very
+best diet, without any charge for washing, books, or extras, for
+twenty guineas per annum. The fact that a retired waiter from a
+Boulogne Restaurant takes charge of the Modern Languages, while
+the Higher Mathematics and swimming are entrusted to a late Custom
+House Officer, and the Classical and other Departments, are under the
+immediate supervision of the Principal, may be taken as a guarantee
+that the advertised curriculum is scrupulously and efficiently carried
+out. Apply for further Particulars to "<span class="sc">Principal</span>," Uncertificated
+Tutors Association, S.E.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>WANTED, BY THE PROPRIETOR OF A PATENT MEDICINE,
+a nervous and confiding Client who after reading a
+whole newspaper advertising column of diseases, and persuading
+himself that he is afflicted with most of them, will believe that by
+an outlay of 1<i>s.</i> 1-1/2<i>d.</i>, he can entirely cure himself of the whole lot
+of them on the spot. He must not be disheartened if the first trial
+produces no effect. On the contrary, if the nostrum appears to
+develop fresh and disagreeable symptoms, he must manfully persevere,
+and face in turn neuralgia, rheumatic gout, fever, lumbago,
+sciatica, incipient paralysis, and even greater complications, rather
+than relinquish the remedy when he has once had recourse to it. In
+this way, it is obvious, he will not only be able to afford a permanent
+support to the sale of a dangerous and deleterious compound, but will,
+by its continual use, effectually and completely succeed in ultimately
+shattering his own constitution. Apply, "<span class="sc">Proprietor</span>," Jollop's Specific
+Restorator, Patent Medicine Works, Pill Hill, N.E.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>WANTED, A QUITE INEXPERIENCED HORSEMAN, to
+purchase, on the recommendation of a tricky Job Master, a
+thoroughly unsound and spavined Bay Cob that will be represented
+as having been "parted with" by its late owner, "a sporting Duke,"
+for "no fault whatever." The creature, however, that is short in
+the wind, swollen at the hocks, an ugly stepper, and has not a single
+good point about it, having recently, when in the funeral business,
+kicked in a hearse, it has been decided to palm it off on the first unsuspecting
+purchaser that turns up as "quiet to ride" and going
+"nicely in harness," and it may confidently be relied upon to throw
+an unskilful or aged rider, or smash up a brougham at the very
+earliest opportunity. As it has also, at a previous period in its
+career, served as a trick horse at a Circus, and will, on meeting a
+German band, sit down on its haunches, it might be safely secured
+by any equestrian to whom some astonishment and a little music
+mingled with his morning's ride might prove a pleasing experience.
+Can be seen at <span class="sc">Gully's</span> Stables, Blinder Street, S.W.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A FEW THOROUGHLY UNSUSPECTING TENANTS
+wanted by a Jerry Builder, who has just run up a terrace of
+new houses anyhow, and is anxious to see if anybody can manage to
+live in them. None of the doors shut, all the windows let in draughts,
+and there are practically no drains. As the walls are one brick thick,
+and the playing of a piano can be heard through six houses, neighbours
+of a conversational turn might find a residence in them advantageous.
+Warranted to come down with a run in a high wind. Apply,
+"Builder," Dustbin Terrace, Killingham Road, E.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page210" id="page210"></a>[pg 210]</span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+<a href="images/210.png">
+<img width="100%" src="images/210.png" alt="THINGS ONE WOULD WISH TO HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY." />
+</a>
+<h3>THINGS ONE WOULD WISH TO HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY.</h3>
+
+<p><i>Guest.</i> "<span class="sc">Well, good-bye, Old Man!&mdash;and you've really got a very nice little Place here!</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Host.</i> "<span class="sc">Yes; but it's rather Bare, just now. I hope the Trees will have Grown a good bit before you're back,
+old man!</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>CONVENTION-AL POLITENESS.</h2>
+
+<p><i>Madame France (with effusion)&mdash;</i></p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>"And doth not a meeting like this make amends?"</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>I trust I have quoted with textual accuracy your so charming, and
+to the actual situation happily appropriate poet?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Bull (avec empressement).</i> It does&mdash;or perhaps I should say
+doth&mdash;indeed, Madam. As to the bit from the bard&mdash;well, may its
+appropriateness never be less! How much pleasanter than the grim
+dictum of an elder rhymester, who referred to your people as those</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>"Whom nature hath predestined for our foes,</p>
+<p>And made it bliss and virtue to oppose."</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p><i>Madame France.</i> The barbarian! Oppose, indeed! Why should
+we oppose each other, dear Monsieur <span class="sc">Bull</span>?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Bull.</i> Why, indeed?</p>
+
+<p><i>Madame France.</i> True, your bellicose Lord <span class="sc">Palmerston</span> did
+oppose my great <span class="sc">Ferdinand's</span> grand idea, and that from motives the
+most insular and unenlightened. Just as some few poltroons in your
+sea-girt isle at present oppose the Channel Tunnel, which yet, in
+good time, will doubtless become as benign an actuality as the Suez
+Canal itself.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Bull.</i> Humph! <span class="sc">Pam</span> had perhaps his reasons, which, in the
+light of subsequent events, one must admit not to have been without
+their weight.</p>
+
+<p><i>Madame France.</i> Oh, Monsieur <span class="sc">Bull</span>! "Greater freedom of
+intercourse between nations is the tendency of our industrial and
+social development, and the tide of human intelligence cannot be
+arrested by <i>vague fears</i>." So I read in a pamphlet on the Tunnel.
+How true, is it not?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Bull.</i> Doubtless; as true as that the tide of invasion could not
+be arrested by cosmopolitan cant.</p>
+
+<p><i>Madame France.</i> Invasion? Fie, Monsieur <span class="sc">Bull</span>! In the new
+lexicon of international amity there is no such word.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Bull.</i> If the excision of the <i>word</i> could absolutely abolish the
+possibility of the thing, all would be well&mdash;between you and Germany,
+for instance.</p>
+
+<p><i>Madame France.</i> <i>Sacre-e-e!</i> I beg pardon. Expletives should
+also be banished from civility's lexicon. But <span class="sc">Bismarck</span> is a <i>monstre</i>,
+a <i>miserable</i>,&mdash;whereas you&mdash;&mdash;! <span class="stage">[<i>Bows sweetly.</i></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Bull.</i> Inarticulate flattery, Madam, is irresistible&mdash;and unanswerable.
+The renewal&mdash;if, indeed, it was ever <i>really</i> interrupted&mdash;of
+the <i>entente cordiale</i> between us, is a blessed boon not to be matched
+in value by a hundred&mdash;Tunnels!</p>
+
+<p><i>Madame France.</i> And this Convention is the sign and seal of that
+renewal, <i>n'est-ce-pas</i>? I <i>knew</i> you never intended to stop in Egypt.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Bull.</i> Longer than was necessary&mdash;assuredly not, Madam.
+And I was <i>certain</i> the New Hebrides had no real charms to permanently
+arrest your feet.</p>
+
+<p><i>Madame France.</i> Though a <i>pied à terre</i> in Raraitea, of course&mdash;you
+comprehend, Monsieur!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Bull.</i> Perfectly. The questions of Egypt and the New
+Hebrides, of our post near the Pyramids, and your Protectorate
+near Tahiti, have, of course, no real connection.</p>
+
+<p><i>Madame France.</i> Obviously, Monsieur! Are they not dealt with
+in separate Conventions?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Bull.</i> Ah! if all quarrels&mdash;I beg pardon, political problems&mdash;could
+as easily be settled by a Conventional Act!</p>
+
+<p><i>Madame France.</i> How welcome to you, Monsieur, to all parties in
+your Parliament, to the "rescuers" as to the "retirers," to your
+Lord <span class="sc">Chamberlain</span>, as well as to your Grand Old <span class="sc">Gladstone</span>, must be
+the prospect of an early, not to say immediate withdrawal from the
+Land of the Pharaohs! Surely the fugitive Israelites of old never
+left it with such pleased promptitude as <i>you</i> will&mdash;"scuttle out" of
+it! Have I accurate memory of the Beaconsfieldian phrase,
+Monsieur?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Bull.</i> Your memory, Madam, is miraculous. The forty centuries&mdash;<i>or,
+however, many more there may happen to be there at the
+moment of my departure</i>&mdash;will doubtless, in the words of your own
+great phraser, "look down from the Pyramids" with emotions not
+less marked than my own&mdash;and yours, Madam.</p>
+
+<p><i>Madame France.</i> My emotions at the present moment&mdash;and yours,
+I hope, Monsieur&mdash;are simply of supreme joy at the so happy removal
+of difficulties and the so complete restoration of amity between us by
+this charming Convention, so satisfactory in its actual terms, so
+much more so <i>in its promises for the future</i>. I felicitate you, dear
+Monsieur <span class="sc">Bull</span>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Bull.</i> And I, Madam, reciprocate your felicitations. (<i>Aside.</i>)
+It pleases her, apparently, and I do not see that it can possibly hurt
+me! <span class="stage">[<i>Left bowing.</i></span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page211" id="page211"></a>[pg 211]</span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+<a href="images/211.png">
+<img width="100%" src="images/211.png" alt="CONVENTION-AL POLITENESS." />
+</a>
+<h3>CONVENTION-AL POLITENESS.</h3>
+
+<p><span class="sc">John Bull.</span> "DELIGHTED, MY DEAR MADAM! IT PLEASES YOU,
+AND&mdash;(<i>Aside</i>)&mdash;IT DOESN'T HURT <i>ME</i>!!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page213" id="page213"></a>[pg 213]</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:45%;">
+<a href="images/213-1.png">
+<img width="100%" src="images/213-1.png" alt="SPEEDING THE PARTING GUEST." />
+</a>
+<h3>SPEEDING THE PARTING GUEST.</h3>
+
+<p><i>Host (who has trod on the Lady's Skirt).</i> "<span class="sc">Oh! Forgive me! You
+see it's my Natural Instinct to Detain you!</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+<p>"<i>My Autobiography and Reminiscences</i>," by <span class="sc">W. P. Frith</span>,
+R.A. The Modern Hogarth, painter of "<i>Ramsgate Sands</i>," "<i>The
+Derby Day</i>," and "<i>The Road to Ruin</i>," can use his pen as well as
+his pencil. "Where got thou that goose-quill?" as <i>Macbeth</i> would
+have said, had <span class="sc">Shakspeare</span> wished him to do so. How is it that
+Mr. <span class="sc">Frith</span> has never employed his goose-quill before? Sometimes
+it is soft-nibbed, and occasionally hard-nibbed, but it is almost
+always well pointed; and, though he writes with an overflowing
+pen&mdash;for he frequently has to check his impulsive waywardness&mdash;yet
+there is scarcely a blot on the paper throughout the two volumes.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Frith</span> is, first and foremost, a humorist, and, in his humour, so
+like <span class="sc">Thackeray</span>, and so unlike <span class="sc">Dickens</span>, that it is no wonder, considering
+the consistent inconsistency of human nature, he should have
+loved the latter, and disliked the former. Yet, with all his aversion
+to <span class="sc">Thackeray</span>, personally&mdash;and "all his works" too, apparently,
+as he hardly mentions them&mdash;he records something very remarkable
+about the Satirist of the Snobs which could not be guessed at from
+<span class="sc">Thackeray's</span> own letters, nor from the anecdotes told about him.
+And it is this; that <span class="sc">Thackeray</span> could make, and on occasion did
+make an excellent after-dinner speech. At the Macready banquet
+with <span class="sc">Bulwer Lytton</span> and <span class="sc">Dickens</span> present, Mr. <span class="sc">Frith</span> tells us,
+"<span class="sc">Thackeray</span> also spoke well and very humorously." And there are
+three other instances; so that <span class="sc">Thackeray</span>, who has recounted his
+own failure at the Literary Fund dinner, and whose utter collapse at
+the Cornhill Magazine dinner is a matter of Literary history, was
+not always a mistake as an after-dinner speaker. The modesty
+exhibited by Mr. <span class="sc">Frith</span> in this autobiography is an exhibition as
+novel and attractive as was <span class="sc">Frith's</span> other exhibition in Bond Street,&mdash;because
+few autobiographers possess so keen a sense of humour
+as to be able to laugh at themselves, and to be candid about their
+own foibles and follies. Indeed some persons may think, and indeed
+he inclines to this opinion himself, that he goes too far in his
+frankness when narrating the practical jokes of that unscrupulous
+and cruel <i>farçeur</i> <span class="sc">Sothern</span> the actor, in some of which the
+autobiographer appears to have played a small, but not altogether
+unimportant part. In his way Mr. <span class="sc">Frith</span> is as frank and open in
+his revelations as to his past career, as was Cardinal <span class="sc">Newman</span> in his
+straightforward <i>Apologia pro suâ vitâ</i>. In fact in these <span class="sc">Sothern</span>
+latitudes&mdash;there was a great deal of latitude in that quarter&mdash;Mr.
+<span class="sc">Frith's</span> work is suggestive less of an autobiography than of a
+naughty-biography. He owns that he feels "humiliated and pained"
+at recounting <span class="sc">Thackeray's</span> rude jocularity towards himself, and
+from the apologetic tone with which he introduces some of <span class="sc">Sothern's</span>
+caddish practical jokes, in which Mr. <span class="sc">Frith</span> had no share, and of
+which he was not the victim, it may be inferred that he had already
+begun to feel "humiliated and pained" at having given so much
+space to such stories. How glad he must now be that he kept a
+"dear Diary," which has been an invaluable aid to his memory.</p>
+
+<p>Another great merit in the book is that, without ever sacrificing
+its character as an Autobiography, it is never egotistical; egoism
+being the great "I-sore" of such works. Should the humble individual
+who writes this necessarily brief notice ever arrive at the
+time for publishing his Recollections, he is perfectly sure that the
+book will be unequalled as a work of imagination. Mr. <span class="sc">Frith</span> tells
+us how he improved his pictures by touching them up,&mdash;some
+people, too, are occasionally improved by the same process, if the
+"touching up" is only done judiciously,&mdash;and his self-restraint is
+therefore really admirable when he rejects the temptation to embellish,
+or spice, a story which no one is likely to contradict. For
+instance, in what may be called the Sass-age portion of his early life,
+he has some amusing anecdotes about Mr. <span class="sc">Jacob Bell</span>, then an Art
+student. <span class="sc">Bell</span> drew a man hanging, and <span class="sc">Sass</span>, the master, told him
+to leave the studio, "as such a career," as the man hanging, "is a
+bad example to your fellow-pupils." Now Mr. <span class="sc">Frith</span> ought to have
+given <span class="sc">Bell</span> a triumphant exit speech&mdash;he ought to have said to <span class="sc">Sass</span>,
+"Sir, I was only illustrating what should be the fate of every one of
+your successful pupils&mdash;<i>to be hung on the line</i>. Good day." Exit
+<span class="sc">Bell</span>. Then he recounts how <span class="sc">Jacob Bell</span>, who, like <span class="sc">Sothern</span>, had
+a taste for such practical jokes as are utterly indefensible on the
+score of good taste and gentlemanly feeling, dressed up as a woman,
+and went to a Quakers' Meeting House, where he sat among the
+female portion of the congregation. Thinking he was discovered,
+this nice young man "took fright," and bolted. Here Mr. <span class="sc">Frith</span>
+should have made the jovial <span class="sc">Jacob</span> subsequently explain that "he
+left because the women were all jealous of him, as he was the only
+'<span class="sc">Bell</span>' among them." Mr. <span class="sc">Frith</span>, full of his fun, jests, and humour,
+must be congratulated on having stuck to the truth, the whole truth,
+and nothing but the truth.</p>
+
+<p>And if anyone wants a first-rate ghost-story for the coming Christmas
+time, let him get Mr. <span class="sc">Frith's</span> book, and read how the prosaic
+and sensible Mr. <span class="sc">Westwood</span> saw a ghost. It is simply but exquisitely
+told, and were it not that Mr. <span class="sc">Frith</span> had previously owned to
+his complicity with <span class="sc">Sothern</span> in some of his "spiritualistic"
+demonstrations, there would be no sort of ground for suspecting
+him capable of joking on such serious subjects. The book is full
+of good stories, among which <i>The Mysterious Sitter</i> and <i>Beckford
+at Fonthill</i> are about the best. There is already a rail round
+<span class="sc">Mudie's</span> counter, and in front of all <span class="sc">Smith's</span> stalls, to keep off the
+crowds from taking away <span class="sc">Frith's</span> latest production without paying.
+Many of us are eye-witnesses to the fact of the rails in front of
+<span class="sc">Smith's</span> bookstalls all the way down the line wherever a train
+runs. Mr. <span class="sc">Frith's</span> very good health, and, as his friend <i>Rip-Van-Winkle</i>
+<span class="sc">Jefferson</span> used to say, "May he live long an' prosber."</p>
+
+<p><i>De Omnibus Rebus</i>, by the author of <i>Flemish Interiors</i>. An odd
+book to be taken up at odd times. Amusing and chatty with a good
+deal of shrewd observation. He who rides may read; and as it is
+published by <span class="sc">Nimmo</span>, this firm in this instance might adopt the old
+Latin motto, "<i>'Nimmo' mortalium omnibus horis sapit</i>;" <i>i.e.</i>
+"<span class="sc">Nimmo</span> is wise to bring out a book for the omnibus hours of
+mortals."</p>
+
+<p class="author"><span class="sc">Our Own Bookworm.</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width:18%;">
+<a href="images/213-2.png">
+<img width="100%" src="images/213-2.png" alt="Policeman and burglar" />
+</a>
+</div>
+
+<p>Madame <span class="sc">Patti's</span> house, in some unpronounceable Welsh place, was
+broken into by burglars. We hope they didn't rob her of any notes.
+The thieves came from Town&mdash;they were
+not Welshmen, oh no! <i>Mr. Punch</i> has
+always asserted of the Welsh,&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Taffy's not a thief."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>And it wasn't Taffy who went to <span class="sc">Patti's</span>
+house and stole a matter of seven pounds'
+worth of French francs. They found a
+box of M. <span class="sc">Nicolini's</span> cigars. But the
+thieves knew where to draw the line,
+and chucked the lot away in the garden,
+among the other weeds. They were "up
+to snuff," but not to tobacco in this
+form. Query, will M. <span class="sc">Nicolini's</span> friends be delighted to accept
+cigars from his case in future?</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The Centenary of <i>Don Giovanni</i> was celebrated at the two
+Universities by a banquet of the principal Dons.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page214" id="page214"></a>[pg 214]</span></p>
+
+<h2>BARTLETT'S BABY.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Welcome little Stranger! You</p>
+<p>Are the darling of the Zoo,</p>
+<p><span class="sc">Bartlett's</span> babe, the public pet.</p>
+<p>Lucky, lucky Zoo to get,</p>
+<p>At a cost scarce worth the mention,</p>
+<p>Living proof beyond contention</p>
+<p>Of&mdash;oh! well, of whatsoever</p>
+<p><i>Savants</i> sage and critics clever,</p>
+<p>On their controversial mettle,</p>
+<p>May&mdash;or maybe may <i>not</i>&mdash;settle.</p>
+<p>Six-and-twenty years ago</p>
+<p>(Buffers elderly may know)</p>
+<p>Rose the great Gorilla feud;</p>
+<p>Dr. <span class="sc">Gray</span> was rather rude,</p>
+<p>Rather on <span class="sc">Du Chaillu</span> down,</p>
+<p>And the shindy stirred the Town.</p>
+<p><span class="sc">Owen</span>, great on brains and bones,</p>
+<p>Lectured it in learned tones;</p>
+<p><span class="sc">Huxley</span> to the battle rushed;</p>
+<p>Mutually they "pished" and "tushed"</p>
+<p>In that calm and courteous way</p>
+<p><i>Savants</i> have, when they're in fray.</p>
+<p><i>Mr. Punch</i>, with ample reason,</p>
+<p>Called you "Lion of the Season,"</p>
+<p>Great Gorilla. Now 'tis plain</p>
+<p>The old fame revives again.</p>
+<p>Happy <span class="sc">Bartlett!</span> Lucky Ape!</p>
+<p>Fortune comes in curious shape.</p>
+<p>You perchance, oh simian child!</p>
+<p>Might have roamed the Afric wild,</p>
+<p>Like a nigger unreclaimed.</p>
+<p>Unobserved, unknown, unnamed,</p>
+<p>Fame concerning you quite dumb,</p>
+<p>Even your "colossal thumb,"</p>
+<p>By the scribes who columns vamp us,</p>
+<p>Undescribed; your "hippo-campus"</p>
+<p>(Whatsoever <i>that</i> may be)</p>
+<p>Not of notoriety.</p>
+<p>Now!&mdash;Ah, infantine Gorilla,</p>
+<p>Every small suburban villa</p>
+<p>With your rising fame will ring;</p>
+<p>All the sort of folk who bring</p>
+<p>Buns unto the prisoned bear,</p>
+<p>To your cage will come, and stare.</p>
+<p>Buns? Oh, <span class="sc">Bartlett</span>,&mdash;master sage,</p>
+<p>Autocrat of den and cage!&mdash;</p>
+<p>Nothing will begrudge, I'm sure,</p>
+<p>That may nourish, please, or cure</p>
+<p>His prognathous little pet.</p>
+<p>Half the luxuries you'll get</p>
+<p>Would leave satiate and cloyed</p>
+<p>Any hungry "Unemployed."</p>
+<p>Cakes&mdash;and, if you like it, Ale&mdash;</p>
+<p>Oh, Gorilla, will not fail;</p>
+<p><span class="sc">Gunter's</span> you may sack at will,</p>
+<p>Or, if you prefer to fill</p>
+<p>Otherwise your dainty maw</p>
+<p>Than with sweeties and stick-jaw,</p>
+<p>Like the indiscriminate bear,</p>
+<p>You may choose your Bill of Fare.</p>
+<p>Toys? Ah, bring them, baby, quick;</p>
+<p>Will a monkey on a stick</p>
+<p>Touch a sympathetic chord?</p>
+<p>Well, let's hope you won't be bored,</p>
+<p>Baby Ape, by <span class="sc">Bartlett's</span> love,</p>
+<p>And the crowds who'll stare and shove;</p>
+<p>Long for Afric wild but free,</p>
+<p>And a station "up a tree,"</p>
+<p>Watching, with prehensile thumb,</p>
+<p>For&mdash;whatever food may come.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:50%;">
+<a href="images/214.png">
+<img width="100%" src="images/214.png" alt="HERE'S ANOTHER GUY!" /></a>
+<h3>"HERE'S ANOTHER GUY!"</h3>
+
+<h4>OR, THE BABY GORILLA AT THE ZOO.</h4>
+
+<p><i>Nurse Bartlett.</i> "<span class="sc">He shall have a Fifteen-Shilling Pine, he Shall!
+and Finest English Hot-house Grapes, he Shall! and Gold-Dust too,
+if he cries for it, the little Darling!</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>VOCES POPULI.</h2>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>The People's Palace; In Building set apart for Poultry,
+Pigeon, and Rabbit Show. Stream of Visitors inspecting
+animals in zinc and wire pens.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Amandus Milendius (to Amanda Milendia: coming to a halt
+before cage containing "roopy"-looking fowl, with appearance of
+having been sent out on pair of legs several sizes too tall for it).</i>
+They've 'ighly commended <i>'im</i>, yer see.</p>
+
+<p><i>Amanda M. (who does not converse with facility).</i> Um!</p>
+
+<p class="stage">[<i>Looks at bird without seeing it.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Amandus.</i> Yes, they must ha' thought 'ighly of 'im before they'd
+commend him like that, yer know!</p>
+
+<p><i>Amanda (wishing she was readier of response).</i> Ah! (<i>The fowl
+winks slowly at her with his lower eyelid</i>). Come away&mdash;I don't like
+him!</p>
+
+<p class="stage">[<i>They move on.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>The Exhibitor (coming up and inspecting his bird with pride).</i> 'Ere&mdash;<span class="sc">Joe</span>!
+(<i>Fowl shuts both eyes with a bored expression</i>). B'longs to
+<i>me</i>&mdash;that bird, Sir! (<i>To Bystander.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><i>Visitor (from the West; anxious to be agreeable).</i> Ha, a fine bird&mdash;magnificent!</p>
+
+<p><i>Exhibitor.</i> Bred 'im myself, Sir&mdash;he's a bit sleepy just now.
+(<i>Apologetically</i>). Wake up, ole chap! (<i>Fowl half opens one eye, and
+closes it immediately on perceiving proprietor.</i>) <i>Knows</i> me, yer see!</p>
+
+<p><i>Visitor (with fatal rashness).</i> A&mdash;a Brahma, isn't he?</p>
+
+<p class="stage">[<i>Wonders what made him say that, and tries to think what
+Brahmas are like&mdash;when they are not locks.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Exhibitor (in tone of pitying reproach).</i> <i>No,</i> Sir&mdash;no.&mdash;Black Red
+<i>Bantam</i>, Sir!</p>
+
+<p><i>Visitor (wishing he had remained vague).</i> Oh&mdash;ah, just so&mdash;good
+evening.</p>
+
+<p><i>A Cock (derisively).</i> Crorky&mdash;rorky&mdash;roo!</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">At the Rabbit Pens.</span></p>
+
+<p><i>Another Exhibitor (accompanied by Friend with Catalogue).</i> I
+ain't come across my Buck yet. He took a prize, I heerd. (<i>Stops at
+Cage.</i>) Ah, this looks like him.... Third Prize, yer see&mdash;not so
+bad, eh? <span class="stage">[<i>Chuckles.</i></span></p>
+
+<p><i>The Friend.</i> Hold on a bit! (<i>Refers to Catalogue.</i>) "Number
+seven 'underd and two. <span class="sc">Parton.</span> Buck. Eight months." <i>Your</i>
+name ain't <span class="sc">Parton</span>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Exhib.</i> Then it's mine in the next. <i>Second</i> Prize! Better'n
+Third, that, ain't it?</p>
+
+<p><i>The Friend.</i> They've got <i>that</i> down as <span class="sc">Parton's</span> too.</p>
+
+<p><i>Exhib.</i> Well, I <i>thought</i> some'ow as&mdash;&mdash;<i>this</i> is him anyway. Look
+'ere! <i>First</i> Prize! And deserves it, though I sez it myself!</p>
+
+<p><i>Friend (not without a certain satisfaction).</i> No&mdash;no, you're wrong
+again. I'll show you where <i>you</i> are. See. "Seven 'underd and
+five. <span class="sc">W. Cropper.</span> Buck. Ten months." <i>That's</i> you!</p>
+
+<p><i>Exhib. (incredulously).</i> That? that ain't never <i>my</i> cream buck!
+(<i>The rabbit remains wrapt in meditation.</i>) I'll soon show yer.
+(<i>Blows in rabbit's face. Mutual recognition. Tableau.</i>) It <i>is</i> my
+buck! And only 'ighly commended! (<i>Recovering himself.</i>) Well,
+I arsk you if he oughtn't to ha' done the other&mdash;him as they've
+given the First Prize to? Why, there ain't no comparison between
+them two rabbits!</p>
+
+<p><i>The Cock (encouragingly).</i> Crorky-rorky-roo!</p>
+
+<p><i>The Friend (losing all further interest).</i> Well, it's all chance like.
+Let's go and 'ave a look at them Lops.</p>
+
+<p><i>Crowd of Admirers around pen containing gigantic gander.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>First Admirer.</i> That's <i><span class="sc">Wilkinses'</span></i> gander, that is.</p>
+
+<p><i>Second Admirer.</i> A fine-grown bird, I <i>will</i> say.</p>
+
+<p class="stage">[<i>Handsomely, as if he would hardly have expected such a person
+as</i> <span class="sc">Wilkins</span> <i>to produce anything as good as</i> that.</p>
+
+<p><i>Third Admirer.</i> Monster, ain't he? Why, yer might <i>ride</i> on
+him!</p>
+
+<p><i>Small Child (pointing delightedly at the Gander).</i> 'Ook, Mozzer,
+pitty duck!</p>
+
+<p><i>Fond Parent (admiringly).</i> I declare it's wonderful how quick he
+gets the names&mdash;it <i>is</i> a fine duck!</p>
+
+<p><i>The Cock (with a touch of correction).</i> Crorky&mdash;rorky&mdash;roo!</p>
+
+<p><i>A Connoisseur (inspecting pigeon).</i> Now, <i>there's</i> a nice pigeon&mdash;that
+<i>is</i> a nice pigeon; but I tell yer what it is&mdash;he ain't got the space
+to do hisself justice in there. Give him a bigger pen, and a brick to
+stand on, and you'd soon see the difference!</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page215" id="page215"></a>[pg 215]</span>
+<i>Fellow Conn.</i> They ought to ha' give him more room to show off his
+tail in&mdash;else what's the good of a bird <i>'aving</i> a tail, come to that?</p>
+
+<p><i>First Conn. (sententiously).</i> Ah, you've 'it it.</p>
+
+<p><i>Competitor (apparently, unsuccessful).</i> I say, (<i>with bitter sarcasm</i>)
+'Are yer seen the pair as take a Fust? Birds I wouldn't pick up if
+I found 'em in the street&mdash;no, <i>that</i> I wouldn't! Fust Prize to them&mdash;hor-hor!
+Well, the world's comin' to a pretty pass, I must say!
+Arter <i>that!</i>&mdash;&mdash; <span class="stage">[<i>Eloquent aposiopesis.</i></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Amandus (tolerantly, to Amanda).</i> Well, pidgings <i>are</i> pretty much
+alike, unless you've been brought up to know the differences. I 'ad
+a <i>Uncle</i> a breeder.</p>
+
+<p><i>Amanda (feeling that her ignorance is no longer a discredit).</i> Then
+<i>you'd</i> know! <span class="stage">[<i>They go out arm-in-arm, silent but sympathetic.</i></span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;">
+<h3>INTERIORS AND EXTERIORS. No. 52.</h3>
+<a href="images/215.png">
+<img width="100%" src="images/215.png" alt="PLATFORM ORATORY. By Our Travelling Special." />
+</a>
+<h3>PLATFORM ORATORY. By Our Travelling Special.</h3>
+
+<p>[Our Politicians now, in humble imitation of the Great Original, are adopting the fashion of making speeches from railway carriages, or utilising
+the ten minutes allowed for refreshment by addressing constituents on the platform. The Railway Companies, in order to observe strict neutrality,
+should re-construct carriages to suit and carry the political leaders, and should re-build or increase existing stations on the line, so as to accommodate
+the public with various "platforms."]</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>"Enter-tainments" are not now so much the object of our Fireproof
+Theatrical Managers as "Exit-tainments." At <span class="sc">Terry's</span> new
+theatre everyone feels perfectly secure. It is only the Lessee, who
+always appears terry-fied.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="sc">Departure of Distinguished Furry-ners.</span>&mdash;The <i>Standard</i> said
+last week that two thousand live rabbits were on the eve of being
+despatched to British Columbia. Fifty thousand onions should be sent
+with them. What's a Rabbit without onions? <i>L'Onion fait la force.</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>ANOTHER CHANCE FOR JOE AND JESSE.</h3>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Cave</span>, long associated with theatrical management&mdash;re-opens
+Sadler's Wells on the fifth of November. We are assured that Mr.
+<span class="sc">Chamberlain's</span> recent visit to Merrie Islington had nothing whatever
+to do with the forthcoming "good old-fashioned Grimaldi comic
+pantomime," with which Mr. <span class="sc">Cave</span> promises to entertain his patrons
+at Christmas time. Perhaps, after all, the Fisheries Commissioner
+is not going to Canada, but is going to join <span class="sc">A. Cave</span> at
+Islington, for what on earth is the use of a "Grimaldi pantomime"
+without a "<span class="sc">Joey</span>?" Then what a chance for him, in the good old
+Grimaldi style, to sing "Hot Collings," rewritten by his faithful
+accompanyist <span class="sc">Jesse</span>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="sc">Torchlight and Guy Fawkes Day.</span>&mdash;Mr. <span class="sc">Gladstone</span> says that
+coming into collision with the Police on the subject of torches,
+"he would rather suffer torchers!"</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="sc">Mr. Wilful Blunt.</span>&mdash;Whether the right of Free Speaking is
+permitted in Ireland or not, we would decline just now to decide.
+But certain <span class="sc">Blunt</span> speaking was very soon stopped.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">Au Plaisir.</span>"&mdash;Motto for <span class="sc">Augustus Druriolanus</span> during the
+run of the present piece.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page216" id="page216"></a>[pg 216]</span></p>
+
+<h2>THE FOUR NOBLE BURGLARS.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>A Baron, a Marquis, a Duke, and an Earl</p>
+<p class="i2">Were dining together one evening at White's;</p>
+<p>They were all overdone by the worry and whirl</p>
+<p class="i2">Of a long London season's amusements and sights&mdash;</p>
+<p>By the luncheons that stupify, dinners that tire,</p>
+<p class="i2">Dull rides in the Row, deadly five o'clock teas,</p>
+<p>At which fashion condemns you to gasp and perspire</p>
+<p class="i2">While draining the cup of <i>ennui</i> to the lees.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>No pleasure they took in the joys of the table;</p>
+<p class="i2">Though stalwart, they recked not to breakfast or sup&mdash;</p>
+<p>E'en to plunge at <i>bézique</i> they no longer were able,</p>
+<p class="i2">For the fact was these nobles were deuced hard up!</p>
+<p>Moaned the Marquis, "We're all in a state of depression;</p>
+<p class="i2">As for me, my existence is simply a bore;</p>
+<p>Let us strike a new line out&mdash;adopt some profession</p>
+<p class="i2">Which no British Peer ever practised before."</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<div class="figleftp" style="width:45%;">
+<a href="images/216-1.png">
+<img width="100%" src="images/216-1.png" alt="The Four Noble Burglars" />
+</a>
+</div>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Then the Baron cried, "Listen, old chappies; I've hit</p>
+<p class="i2">On a notion that's brilliant and perfectly new;&mdash;</p>
+<p>Why shouldn't we four try to burgle a bit,</p>
+<p class="i2">And wrest from the wealthy what's fairly our due?</p>
+<p>Garotting is vulgar, and cruel to boot,</p>
+<p class="i2">The pickpocket oft is despised when detected;</p>
+<p>But burglary's just the profession to suit</p>
+<p class="i2">A lover of enterprise, highly connected."</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>A paper was fetched, and his Grace read aloud</p>
+<p class="i2">The following paragraph:&mdash;"Criminal Tips!</p>
+<p>Young Nobles and Gentlemen under a cloud</p>
+<p class="i2">Apply to Professor <span class="sc">Jehoshaphat Fipps</span>,</p>
+<p>At his residence, 2, Sheppard Buildings, E.C.,</p>
+<p class="i2">Where he nightly gives lessons, from seven till nine,</p>
+<p>To youngsters of spirit, from prejudice free,</p>
+<p class="i2">In arts which amusement with profit combine."</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Next evening the Peers, fully dressed for their parts</p>
+<p class="i2">In moleskin and highlows and flat beaver-caps,</p>
+<p>Sought out the Professor with quick-throbbing hearts,</p>
+<p class="i2">Their courage all but in a state of collapse.</p>
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Fipps</span> gave them seats; then politely inquired,</p>
+<p class="i2">If aught to oblige them perchance he could do,</p>
+<p>And replied, when they told him what 'twas they required,</p>
+<p class="i2">"All right, noble sportsmen!&mdash;I'll soon put you through!"</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>He taught them to handle the jemmy with grace,</p>
+<p class="i2">To frisk with the centrebit, toy with the file&mdash;</p>
+<p>To flourish the fitful dark-lantern apace,</p>
+<p class="i2">And wield the gay crowbar in elegant style;</p>
+<p>With skeleton-keys to pick counting-house locks,</p>
+<p class="i2">To ply the dumb saw and the chisel that's cold,</p>
+<p>To prize up the lid of a banker's strong-box,</p>
+<p class="i2">And the portals of burglar-proof safes to unfold.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>When their Lordships were thoroughly versed in their trade,</p>
+<p class="i2">And had passed their exams, in a masterly way,</p>
+<p>They agreed that a dashing attempt should be made,</p>
+<p class="i2">Their expertness to test without further delay.</p>
+<p>Should they first try their hands at a light, easy job,</p>
+<p class="i2">Not too risky, but graceful, artistic and neat,</p>
+<p>Or essay a bold stroke the Exchequer to rob,</p>
+<p class="i2">Or the merry Old Lady of Threadneedle Street?</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>At last they resolved that the best thing to do,</p>
+<p class="i2">Was to try an experiment, just for a lark,</p>
+<p>(And to keep their hands in for a lucrative <i>coup</i>,)</p>
+<p class="i2">On a workman's abode near Victoria Park.</p>
+<p>They hankered for something quite simple and plain,</p>
+<p class="i2">Both suburban and poor, for their trial essay;</p>
+<p>So they picked out a one-storeyed house down a lane,</p>
+<p class="i2">Which they learned had been empty for many a day.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>They commenced their attack in the dead of the night,</p>
+<p class="i2">Scaled a wall, dug a tunnel, and cut through two floors,</p>
+<p>Wrenched a lock off with stern, irresistible might,</p>
+<p class="i2">And broke open some thoroughly unsecured doors.</p>
+<p>For booty they hunted below and on high&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">But naught could they find save a chunk of cold veal,</p>
+<p>Till, down in the basement, they chanced to espy,</p>
+<p class="i2">Near the back-kitchen sink a huge trapdoor of steel.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>In a second the trap from its fastness they tore,</p>
+<p class="i2">When, heaped up pell-mell, of all shapes and all sizes,</p>
+<p>The gratified Peers beheld score upon score</p>
+<p class="i2">Of grand and legitimate housebreakers' prizes,&mdash;</p>
+<p>Tiaras of rubies and diamond <i>rivières</i>,</p>
+<p class="i2">Superb jewelled bracelets and brooches and rings,</p>
+<p>Great emerald, sapphire, and pearl <i>solitaires</i>,</p>
+<p class="i2">And all manner of precious, magnificent things.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>As they gazed on these treasures with glittering eyes,</p>
+<p class="i2">Lightly handling the gewgaws with delicate touches,</p>
+<p>The Duke softly murmured, "Oh! what a surprise!</p>
+<p class="i2">Why, some of these trinkets belong to the Duchess!"</p>
+<p>"By Jove!" said the Marquis, "this carcanet here</p>
+<p class="i2">Has been worn scores of times by my dowager-aunt!"</p>
+<p>And the Baron rejoined, "It seems perfectly clear</p>
+<p class="i2">That this squalid abode is a regular plant!"</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>"What a joke!" cried the Earl. "We have chanced on the ken</p>
+<p class="i2">Of professional brethren, our seniors in guile,</p>
+<p>And I think that, for young inexperienced men,</p>
+<p class="i2">We have collared their plunder in workmanlike style.</p>
+<p>Let us cull and remove these nefarious hoards&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">We can turn the whole lot into cash at our leisure;</p>
+<p>A delightful career is before us, my Lords,</p>
+<p class="i2">A bright future of usefulness, profit, and pleasure!"</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The next day they disposed of their swag for a plum,</p>
+<p class="i2">And invested the proceeds in Spaniards and Turks,</p>
+<p>After nobly deducting a moderate sum</p>
+<p class="i2">For the Burglar's Relief Fund and other good works.</p>
+<p>They paid all their creditors, kept up their rank.</p>
+<p class="i2">Betted ponies and monkeys like regular "toppers;"</p>
+<p>Till one night, as they'd just broken into a bank,</p>
+<p class="i2">These deserving young nobles were nailed by the "coppers."</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The Old Bailey was crowded one sunny May morn</p>
+<p class="i2">With ladies arrayed in superlative frocks,</p>
+<p>When the jury who sate on our nobles forlorn,</p>
+<p class="i2">Found them guilty at once, without leaving the box.</p>
+<p>And it thus came to pass, I regret to relate,</p>
+<p class="i2">That these earnest, industrious, well-meaning Peers,</p>
+<p>The pride of their order, the stay of the State,</p>
+<p class="i2">Were condemned to pick oakum for twenty-one years!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="sc">A Word for the War-Office.</span>&mdash;Mrs. <span class="sc">Ramsbotham</span> says it's
+all very well to talk about the parsimony of the War-Office; but
+she hears that the soldiers are provided with fatigue jackets, and
+thinks it's really kind of the Authorities to supply the men with
+something special to wear when they are tired.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width:40%;">
+<h3>HOW WE ADVERTISE NOW.</h3>
+<a href="images/216-2.png">
+<img width="100%" src="images/216-2.png" alt="Suggestion for Utilising a now well-known Mural Decoration(?)" />
+</a>
+<p><span class="sc">Suggestion for Utilising a now well-known Mural Decoration(?)</span></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width:51px;">
+<a href="images/216-3.png">
+<img src="images/216-3.png" alt="Pointing finger" />
+</a>
+</div>
+
+<p>NOTICE.&mdash;Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will
+in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule
+there will be no exception.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+93, November 5, 1887, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, NOV. 5, 1887 ***
+
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+</pre>
+
+</body>
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 93,
+November 5, 1887, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 93, November 5, 1887
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: September 17, 2011 [EBook #37465]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, NOV. 5, 1887 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer,
+Nigel Blower and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 93.
+
+
+
+November 5th 1887.
+
+
+
+
+THE LETTER-BAG OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+FROM AN INTENDING EMIGRANT.
+
+  _Liverpool, Saturday Noon._
+
+[Illustration:]
+
+DEAR TOBY,
+
+My boat is on the shore, And my bark is on the sea, But before I
+go, TO-BEE, I will write a line to thee. I am here to join the bark
+aforesaid, which will presently convey JOSEPH and his fortunes to the
+United States. As far as one can judge from the Press news telegraphed
+here, the reception that awaits me is not very cordial. I have all my
+life been conscious of a tendency to rub people down the wrong way.
+Unhappily the consciousness is borne in upon me only after the evil
+is effected. No succession of experience has effect upon my conduct.
+HARTINGTON and I are pretty good friends now, but I daresay you will
+remember the night, now a dozen years dead, when I rose from a seat
+below the Gangway in the House of Commons and, amid frantic cheers
+from the little Radical Party of which I was then a humble ornament,
+denounced him as "_late_ the Leader of the Liberal Party." The Markiss
+is now my friend and ally, and I might almost say patron. The time
+is too short for me to recall a tithe of the nasty things I have
+said about him and others who toil not, neither do they spin. With
+GLADSTONE the process is reversed, but in the end is much the same. I
+began by adulating him, and now no one can say that that is my precise
+attitude towards him.
+
+It is more or less well as far as individuals are concerned. But I am
+afraid I put my foot in it when, in defiance of historic warning,
+I framed an indictment against a whole nation. Going out to the New
+World on a mission of peace, I began by aggravating Canada and setting
+up the back of the United States. When I reflect how easy it
+would have been for me to say nothing, I stand amazed at my own
+indiscretion. The only recompense I find in the situation is the
+chagrin of the Markiss and his friends. They thought they had done
+a nice stroke of policy in engaging me on this business. It is, of
+course, not a new procedure. If I were still on the other side, I
+should take delight in showing that herein, as in the matter of the
+Convention with France just completed, they have taken a leaf out of
+the book of their political opponents, and re-issued it with their own
+imprimatur. The last time a Commissioner was sent out from England to
+reason with the United States, GLADSTONE was in the Markiss's place,
+and he selected STAFFORD NORTHCOTE as the agent. It was an excellent
+device, tying in advance the hands of the enemy, who could scarcely
+denounce a policy for the initiation and direction of which one of
+their principal men was chiefly responsible. But what a difference
+between STAFFORD NORTHCOTE and me!--a difference which the Markiss is
+already beginning to realise. The proposal suited me well enough. It
+would take me away from the country at a time when my presence here
+only involves me in embarrassing controversy. Moreover, if I made a
+great hit, and insured a successful Treaty, it would pave the way
+for my return to my old position in the popular esteem. As for the
+Markiss, my acceptance of the work would secure for him an ally on the
+Opposition benches in the event of future debate arising out of the
+Treaty, and would draw into close, personal union with his Party what
+only natural modesty prevents me from alluding to as a formidable
+antagonist. That was the little game; and for the sake of saying
+something bitter, under the temptation to gird at an adversary that
+had affronted me, I hopelessly spoiled it.
+
+Writing to you, _cher_ TOBY, in the confidence of friendly
+correspondence (I suppose your letters are not opened at the Post
+Office, Barkshire not being an Irish county) I will confess that I
+really could not help it. It is not that I do not know better, but my
+temper is perhaps a little peculiar. I am essentially a fighting-man.
+If any one bites his thumb at me I will know the reason why, and no
+considerations of what is politic will prevent me from returning a
+blow. I know that some people think I'm almost to be pitied because
+(as they put it) I have hopelessly thrown away a position which no one
+but myself could have destroyed. They think I am politically done for.
+We shall see. However it be, I shall not forget the wild joy of battle
+that the events of the past year have purchased for me. I like it best
+with my back to the wall in the House of Commons, when my old friends
+jeer and howl at me, and the rapturous cheers of the Conservatives
+testify their pleasure at seeing me of all men playing their game--as
+they think. I confess things at the moment are not from any point of
+view very bright. But I can afford to wait, strong in the assurance
+that I can do better without the Liberal Party than the Liberal Party
+can do without me. They call me a Dissentient, which reminds me of a
+story I once heard about an aboriginal resident in the great country
+whither I am now hastening. A red man was found wandering in the
+depths of the forest with signs of perturbation manifest beneath
+his manfully calm exterior. "Are you lost?" he was asked. "No," he
+answered, "me no lost. Me here. Wigwam lost." It is not I that am a
+Dissentient Liberal; it is the Liberal Party that is the Dissentient.
+
+Now here is the Mayor come to say that luncheon's ready, and so,
+dropping into poetry again, I will say good-bye, With a sigh to those
+who love me, And a smile to those who hate, And, whatever sky's above
+me, Here's a heart for every fate. Yours faithfully,
+
+  J. CH-MB-RL-N.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BOUNTIES TO FOREIGNERS.
+
+_First Passenger (in Underground Railway)._ We're such a frightfully
+_insular_ nation! Ignorant, exclusive, say-nothing-to-nobody sort of
+people! Think there's nothing beyond Straits of Dover--or Atlantic
+Ocean.
+
+_Second Ditto (agreeing out of politeness)._ Horrible? By the bye,
+that's a nice picture of the Paris Hippodrome, isn't it?
+
+_First Passenger (indifferently)._ Is it? But, as I was saying,
+insularity is our----
+
+_Second Ditto (startled)._ Hullo! By Jove!--no, it can't be true! Yes,
+it is--here's an English newspaper taken to giving a column, a whole
+column, of French news _in French!_ (_Humorously._) Very insular,
+isn't it?
+
+_First Passenger (not understanding the point)._ Very. And, as I was
+saying, it's our besetting sin. We hide our heads like ostriches, and
+refuse to recognise the existence of foreigners. Then what does this
+insularity mean? It means we're _isolated_--cut off from Europe--hated
+by everybody.
+
+_Second Ditto (roused at last)._ I don't know what you call being
+insular and isolated. French Plays are on at a London Theatre. An
+Italian Exhibition's coming to Earl's Court. We get our music from
+Germany, our singers from Italy, and our butter and eggs from Belgium
+and Brittany; and, on the whole, don't you think London's about the
+most Cosmopolitan Capital to be found anywhere? Ah, here's my Station.
+Good morning!
+
+  [_Jumps out in time to escape indignant retort. Exit._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MAGAZINES IN BULK.--It is as impossible to "sample" a magazine by
+a monthly number as it is to estimate the quality of a wine by the
+glass. If you take a bottle you know something about it. Thus when we
+see the _English Illustrated_ in volume we are fully able to
+estimate its worth. The present volume is in every way equal to its
+predecessors. Volume Fourteen of _St. Nicholas_ is one of those good
+gifts that Brother JONATHAN sends us. It is a delightful collection
+of child-poems, child-pictures, and child-lore. The editor, Miss MARY
+MAPES DODGE knows full well how difficult it is to please those keen
+critics, the children, but she has "dodged" it.
+
+       ***
+
+THE MAC BATTENBERG.--_Mr. Punch_ is delighted to hear that mother and
+child are doing well, and congratulates the Infant Princess on being
+the first of the Royal Family to be born in Scotland since 1600.
+Could not the next be born in Ireland? "The O'BATTENBERG," would be a
+splendid title.
+
+       ***
+
+LATEST FROM LICHFIELD.--DR. JOHNSON loved "a good hater." He ought to
+have flourished next year--Hatey-hate! Ha! ha!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "EMPLOYMENT."
+
+_First Loafer._ "'SAY, MATE, IF THEY WAS TO PUT A SHOVEL IN YER 'ANDS,
+AN' TELL YER TO GO TO WORK, WOULD YER TAKE IT?"
+
+_Second Loafer._ "'COURSE I WOULD."
+
+_First Loafer._ "WOULD YER USE IT?"
+
+_Second Loafer._ "'COURSE I WOULD?--LIKE A SHOT! I'D SPOUT IT!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROBERT ON LUXURY.
+
+Alderman Sir RENERY KNIGHT, late Lord Mare, and one of the werry best
+as we ever had, and so was his good wife, the Lady Maress, hapening
+for to be a setting at the Manshun House when the LORD MARE was gorn
+out for a ride somewheres, had to receive what I thinks is called a
+Deputytashun--though not a bit like reel Deputys, who is all werry
+rich--of poor working-men as ain't got not no work to do, and, like
+the kind gennelman as he is, he gave 'em sum such capital adwice as to
+the utter stoopidity of making theirselves noisy and disagreeable when
+they wants to make people kindly dispoged towards 'em, and as to the
+well-known fackt, that the best friends of the working-classes is them
+as spends their money the most freest and the most liberalist, that
+he set the hole City a ringing with it, and as always happens alike
+in exacly similar cases, up starts a mere upstart of a Pollytickle
+Economist--how I hates the werry sound of that larst word, which is
+ony another name for stingyness and meanness and sham forgitfulness
+of the pore Waiter--and says as it ain't true! Like his imperance
+I think, but of coarse ewery body has a right to his own opinion,
+however ridicklus it may be. But being a Lecturer, and therefore
+I spose acustomed to use his tung pretty freely, he mite have been
+xpected to have kept a civil one in his head when he rote his reply to
+Sir RENERY. Instead of which he fust calls him incorrygible, which
+I beleeve means that he carnt be conwicted, as if a Alderman and
+Magistrate could be! He then writes of his "Colossal ignorance!" I
+don't quite know what it means but I'm quite sure that however small
+the Alderman's may be, the Lecturer's is ever so much bigger, as I'll
+prove from my own pussonal knowledge.
+
+He acshally has the ordassity to adwise the Rite Honerable the LORD
+MARE not to employ so many cooks! Poor hignoramus! has he ever dined
+at the Manshun House on a trewly grate ocashun? Most suttenly not, or
+he never would have written such a silly, not to say cruel sentence.
+Not so many cooks indeed! Does he think that the Chef who has given
+his whole mind to the preparing of the Thick and Clear Turtle, is not
+so utterly xhausted that he has to drink two or three glasses of werry
+old Madeary, and then lay down on his sophy and recover hisself
+by slow degrees. Does he think that the Fish Cooks, with praps six
+differing kinds of Fish to prepare, is fit for anything else? and how
+about the Sauce Artists, let him try to emagine, tho' he'll try in
+wain, what they has to go through in the tasting line. Then there are
+the French gentlemen who superintend the production of those wunders
+in what they calls the guestronommick line, wiz.: the _Ontrays!_ Is
+it supposed by this "curlossal" hignoramus, that they can, after
+achieving brilliant success in these wunders of hart, condescend to
+turn their attention to such werry small deer as poultry and jints?
+Suttenly not, the thing's absurd. But they requires cooks, tho' of
+coarse, not of the same hi horder as the Hartists.
+
+But, strange to tell, ewen this is not the wust. Not only is the LORD
+MARE adwised not to employ so many Cooks, but the trewly wunderful
+reason is given, becoz he can then employ more railway navvies! Shades
+of FRANK HURTELLY and SWOYHAY, rest tranquil in your long graves!
+
+But what a dedly hinsult to one of the werry noblest of all noble
+perfessions, to compare for usefulness a mere railway navvy to a great
+Chef. Is this strange economist aware that the great Earl of SEFTON,
+prais to his memory! used to allow his Chef L300 a year and a Horse
+and Broom for the Park! But all sitch conclusive arguments is I fear
+utterly lost upon him.
+
+However, there is just one matter for which I have to thank him. I
+confess that my face werry possibly turned gashly pale as I read his
+orful letter, I fornatrally thort if he is going to recommend less
+Cooks he may werry posserbly be a going for to recommend less Waiters!
+But no, he had the good taste to draw his line there, and for that I
+thanks him. What a treat it is to turn from the wild projecks of the
+Lecterer to the wise counsels of the Alderman. No doubt, he says, we
+could all do without luxuries, but what would become of the millions
+who produces them? No doubt, he says, we could all live on plain food
+and drink water--what orful words for a Alderman to write down!--but
+then what would become of the millions who earns their living
+in preparing them, and he might have added, as a clencher to his
+staggering argument, and what would become of Hus? If there is one
+picter that presents itself to my orrified imagination, that more than
+any other staggers it, it is that of the hole splendid Army of London
+Waiters, with their full dress black coats a gitting jist a leetle
+shabby, and their lovely white chokers jest a leetle shady, a parading
+the London Streets, and a singing in Chorus, "We've got no work
+to do!" But no, I feels as that orful dream will never live to be
+realised, but, to use the classic langwidge as the Lecturer quotes
+from some frend of his, and which I supposes as he intends as a
+complement, "let the idol rich still take their proper place as
+drones in the hive, gorging at a feast to which they have contributed
+nothing," and he might have added, and never never forgetting the
+Waiter.
+
+  ROBERT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+MR. PUNCH was pleased to notice that a certain noisy Salvationist, who
+would insist on playing the cornet--did he profanely call it "The horn
+of salvation?"--to the disturbance of quiet citizens, was made to move
+on, and treated as a common street-organ nuisance by the Magistrate.
+Wanted, as soon as possible, an Act to stop all unauthorised
+Processions, be they what they may.
+
+       ***
+
+The disastrous fire at WHITELEY'S occupied the entire attention of
+thirty-four steam fire-engines, "leaving," says the _Standard_,
+"about a dozen for the rest of London." The "rest" of London will
+be considerably disturbed if this state of things continues. We are
+under-police'd and under-fire-brigaded. If GRANDOLPH the Great
+is afraid of becoming one of the Unemployed, and so getting into
+mischief, let him turn his attention to supply and demand in this
+direction, and the ex-Chancellor of the Exchequer may do some good.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE NOT-AT-ALL-AT-HOME SECRETARY.
+
+_Mr. General-Inspector Punch._ "NOW THEN, MATT, MOVE ON! DON'T
+INTERFERE WITH THE POLICE IN THE EXECUTION OF THEIR DUTY."
+
+    "_The change of tactics last week on the part of the Police,
+    in permitting a Meeting in Trafalgar Square, was said to
+    be due to the interference of the Home Secretary._"--_Daily
+    Papers._
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+T'other and Which; or, an Old Saw re-set.
+
+_The Showman at Nottingham or Islington (exhibiting figures of G. O.
+M. and Orchid Joe)._ Here you see the Separatist Party as large as
+life!
+
+_Dubious Elector._ Please, which is the Separatist Party?
+
+_Showman._ Whichever you please, my little dear. You pays your money,
+and you gives your vote.
+
+       ***
+
+FREE AND VERY OPEN.--In Canterbury Cathedral, the other day, there was
+only one worshipper present at the Service! The occurrence is declared
+to be unprecedented, four having been the previous low-water-mark of
+attendance. It might be described as "one-man rule," only it isn't the
+rule, but the exception, it seems. If this sort of thing spreads,
+the craze for restoring our Cathedrals ought to give way to a cry
+for restoring their congregations. Was the Service altered to "Dearly
+Beloved Brother" or "Sister?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SHOWS VIEWS.
+
+_By Victor Who-goes-Everywhere._
+
+[Illustration]
+
+M. COQUELIN is at the Royalty with an efficient French Company
+appearing in a round of his best-known characters. He has already
+taken part in _Un Parisien, Don Caesar de Bazan_ and an entirely new
+piece (first time in London and elsewhere) _L'Aine_. This last I had
+the pleasure of seeing the other evening, and was delighted to
+find that it was a play that could be safely recommended as a fit
+entertainment for their charge to the guardians of that apparently
+very easily-influenced infant, "The Young Person." It is rather
+suggestive of several English original pieces, amongst the rest
+_Miriam's Crime_ and _Faded Flowers_. The adopted daughter (rescued
+as a child from the gutter) of a millionnaire, after her protector's
+death, undertakes the reformation of her benefactor's brother, who
+takes, through intestacy, the whole of his senior's estate. To carry
+this out effectively, the young lady prevents the heir from drinking
+his _chasse_ after his coffee, and playing a game of _ecarte_ with an
+old friend, for love, and finally offers to marry him. The heir is as
+quiet as a lamb under these inflictions, until he discovers that
+his _fiancee_ loves some one else, when he proposes, at the earliest
+possible moment, to commit suicide. This inconvenient intention is
+prevented, the adopted daughter marries the man of her choice, and
+the heir goes back to America, thus all ends happily. COQUELIN, as the
+heir, was seen to very great advantage in the less sentimental parts
+of the character, but was not quite so successful when he commenced
+crying over the portrait of _L'Aine_, which, by the way, was a very
+excellent likeness (without the eyeglass) of the Right Hon. JOSEPH
+CHAMBERLAIN. For the rest Madame MALVAU was rather a mature adopted
+daughter, M. ROMAIN (as "_Georges_--her friend") a little too heavy in
+more senses than one as the superfluous lover, and M. DUQUESNE a
+very excellent lawyer. There is nothing particularly brilliant in the
+writing, and only one line raises a laugh. When the vagabond friend
+of the heir extends his hand, _M. Vivien_, without a movement, merely
+asks, "_Combien?_" But on its repetition this admirable joke did not
+"go" quite so well. Still there is a freshness in the central idea
+of the play which is welcome. As a rule every one on the French stage
+weeps over somebody's mother, but in this case the tears were reserved
+for somebody's brother. It is said that the Author of the piece, M.
+PAUL DELAIR, is a novice at stage-craft. This seems to me very
+likely, as had he had more experience, I fancy he would have allowed
+(especially if he had known that the character was going to be played
+by M. ROMAIN) _M. Georges_ to have been shot dead in the First Act.
+This would have been really a great improvement, especially had
+_Yveline_ (the adopted daughter) been allowed to expire from grief
+early in the Second. Joking apart, _L'Aine_ is not half a bad piece,
+although I cannot conscientiously go so far as to say that it is half
+a good one. Before the engagement of M. COQUELIN is over, the talented
+actor has promised to play _Gringoire_. No doubt this will be
+produced for the benefit of Mr. BEERBOHM TREE, who richly deserves the
+compliment.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The Paris Hippodrome has once more taken possession of Olympia, where
+it seems likely to remain until well into next year. The entertainment
+is of the customary quality, which is saying a great deal in its
+praise. There are excellent _troupes_ of acrobats and performing
+dogs (with a wonderful black poodle that is the best clown that
+has appeared in a Circus for many a long year), chariot-races, and
+horsemanship in all its branches. This season the Ladies have it all
+their own way. The last time M. HOUCKE visited us, Gentlemen drove
+the team of thirty-two, and jumped over the hurdles with the tandem of
+three; now their places are supplied by members of the fairer sex. The
+horses who take part in these feats are so admirably trained that
+the element of danger is entirely eliminated, and, consequently, the
+change is an improvement. Then an accomplished cob and an elegant
+elephant take a turn together in more senses than one, for they dance
+_vis-a-vis_ a waltz and a polka. The novelty of the Show, however, is
+kept for the second part, and is apparently a page from the Algerian
+experiences of General BOULANGER. The attention of a tribe of Arabs
+(seemingly on their road to church) having been attracted to a
+military train containing a bugle-band of Turcos and some half-dozen
+soldiers of the French line, devotions are temporarily abandoned for a
+pitched battle. The Arabs fire upon the Europeans, who, however,
+after a lively skirmish, succeed in "taking up a position" with the
+bugle-band, and then retire. The Arabs bearing no ill-will, dancing
+follows, and the fighting being quite over and forgotten, General
+BOULANGER, accompanied by a Staff, swaggers in and assists at further
+military exercises. Then the bugle-band heads the procession of French
+and Arabs, and, after marching past BOULANGER, _exeunt_. The attack
+upon the train, if a little perplexing from a purely historical point
+of view, is capitally managed, and very exciting. Since the opening
+night the large hall has been very well attended; and now that the
+American Exhibition is closed, may be expected to be crowded--and a
+crowded audience at the Addison Road cannot be recorded in less than
+five figures. "The Wild West is gone--long live Olympia!"
+
+A second visit to the Royal Westminster Aquarium has not improved my
+opinion of "the Wolves, the Wolves, the Wolves!" (see Advertisement)
+as a pleasure-insuring entertainment. I have already said that the
+tricks of these animals cause a "creepy" sensation, and when I made
+this observation I referred to the "kissing act," wherein a wolf
+embraces the portly person in the Polish lancer's uniform who has
+trained it. But the fights between master and brutes are even less
+tolerable, as may be judged to be the case when I say that, on
+a recent occasion when I was present, the trainer seemed to be a
+good-half-hour (no doubt it was an infinitely less period of time) in
+getting one of his wild beasts into its allotted cage. It is not at
+all a nice sight to see a man beating a snapping and yelping wolf with
+a whip, for one feels that there is the element of cruelty on both
+sides. Take it allround, I prefer "the _belle_ FATMA,"--that is,
+taking her all round, on which I need hardly say I should not
+venture,--to "the Wolves, the Wolves, the Wolves!" And I sincerely
+hope that FATMA (the old lady near her looks more like Fat Ma) may
+always be able to keep the wolf from her door.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GENTLE JOHNNY BULL.
+
+  The way with "demonstrations" tyrants used to take was brief--
+  Justices gave a rioter the guerdon of a thief!
+  Not only durance vile--our gentler nature how it shocks--
+  But whipping-cheer, and oh! they set their Brother in the Stocks!
+
+  In those days a Stump-Orator had reason to take care,
+  How he denounced, derided, and defied the Powers that were.
+  And if he talked High Treason--Imagine this, my dears!
+  They put him in the pillory, and sometimes clipped his ears.
+
+  A People's Friend, unless he took good heed to what he said,
+  Was liable to answer for his language with his head.
+  How venerable soever, a too talkative old Cock,
+  His eloquence might bring him, though a Statesman, to the block.
+
+  But happily we, Brethren, now are men of milder mood,
+  And not, as were our ancestors, vindictive, stern, and rude.
+  So much has done the milk of human kindness to assuage,
+  The bile of British hardihood in this forbearing age!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MR. GLADSTONE ON THE FIFTH OF NOVEMBER.
+
+SIR,--You are wrong in supposing that the term, "Old Fireworks," was
+originally applied to myself. I am of opinion, though I speak under a
+certain amount of correction, not such, however, as my young friend,
+GRANDOLPH, would like to supply, that the term Old Fireworks was first
+applied to the celebrated _Mr. Pickwick_, though upon what occasion
+and by whom I cannot at this moment call to mind. To your second
+question, as to whether I approve of the conduct of _Mr. Samuel
+Weller_ in resisting the Head Constable _Grummer_, I should say that,
+considering the provocation offered, _Mr. Weller_ seems to have acted
+with remarkable self-restraint.
+
+  Yours faithfully,      G. O. M.
+
+P.S. Chips, real good chips, warranted quite dry, and only waiting for
+a match to set them in a blaze, may now be had at Hawarden Lodge at
+the ridiculously small charge of three-pence a piece, or two shillings
+and five-pence halfpenny per dozen. Immediate application personally
+or by letter is recommended. Also a copy of Nottingham speech and the
+Mitchelstown telegram, which, should any difficulty be experienced in
+kindling a bonfire, will at once set the heap into a splendid blaze.
+My song and chorus--
+
+  Remember, remember,
+  The Mitchelstown ember,
+
+and so forth, ought to be ready at all respectable music-publishers
+by November 3rd. 2s. 6d. per copy. Great reduction for clubs, schools,
+&c. Chips! Chips! in the name of the Profit! Chips! G. O. M.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "LIKELY TO GET ON IN LIFE."
+
+_Papa._ "IF I GIVE YOU SIXPENCE, AND TELL YOU TO BUY FIVE PENNY
+PAPERS, HOW MUCH CHANGE WILL YOU BRING BACK TO ME?"
+
+_Sharp Boy (considering)._ "WELL, PAPA--LET ME SEE--IF YOU GAVE ME
+SIXPENCE----"
+
+_Papa._ "YES--YES. HOW MUCH CHANGE TO BRING BACK TO ME?"
+
+_Sharp Boy (readily, and with decision)._ "NONE--NOT IF YOU GAVE ME
+THE SIXPENCE!"
+
+    [_Papa determines to put the question in a different way next time._
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO THE INCOMPLETE (POLITICAL) ANGLER.
+
+  O BRUMMAGEM JOSEPH, my boy, will you halt on
+    Your sturdy, but scarce diplomatical way,
+  And take from an ancient disciple of WALTON
+    A few friendly hints about patience and "play"?
+  As an Angler you have _Mr. Punch's_ best wishes,
+    But _do_ you consider it wise, ere you start
+  To throw stones in the water, and stir up the fishes?
+    That's scarcely the right piscatorial art.
+  No, stillness and silence, and delicate tact, Sir,
+    Are needed for handling the rod and the reel.
+  You may pelt and may splash, but you'll find it a fact, Sir,
+    Who frightens the fishes will not fill his creel.
+
+       ***
+
+HADWICE GRATIS.--The Vaudeville Theatre announces a new play by Mr.
+ENERY HAUTHOR JONES, called _Heart of Hearts_. To popularise it for
+Town use, much better call it _'Art of 'Arts_ at once.
+
+       ***
+
+NEW ORDER (_not issued from the Horse Guards._)--The entire British
+Army to be submitted to a Fortnightly Review for the next three months
+at least.
+
+       ***
+
+MEM. FOR POLICE BY GENERAL-INSPECTOR PUNCH.--Stop the Orators in
+Trafalgar Square, and let the Fountains be the only ones to spout.
+
+       ***
+
+'ARRY STRATFORD-ATTE-BOW'S FRENCH MOTTO FOR THE FIFTH OF
+NOVEMBER.--"_Toujours Guy._"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR ADVERTISERS.
+
+INVERTED, EDUCATIONAL, MEDICINAL, AND MISCELLANEOUS.
+
+WANTED, BY AN INCORRIGIBLE LITTLE BOY, whose Parents have threatened
+to send him away from home on account of his perpetually insufferable
+conduct, a suitable domicile, where he will be afforded every facility
+for continuing it without hindrance and interruption. A quiet old
+country clergyman, and his wife, both a little short-sighted, and hard
+of hearing, occupying a retired Vicarage, that is in want of a little
+waking up, might write. House must be conveniently arranged for the
+setting of booby-traps, possess a good old-fashioned striking-clock,
+with accessible inside, a get-at-able upstairs' cistern, a
+dinner-gong, and plenty of bells. Bedroom might be furnished with
+a view to an occasional display of fireworks. Staircase with good
+top-to-bottom slide-down balusters indispensable. Would be glad to
+hear if there is a powerful garden-engine, in good working-order,
+on the premises; and also whether there is a decent sweetstuff and
+gunpowder-shop within easy distance. Apply by letter to "TARTAR,"
+Scarum Hall, Flingover, Notts.
+
+       ***
+
+THE PRINCIPAL OF A YOUNG GENTLEMAN'S ACADEMY, who has, in turns, been
+a Stock-jobber, a Solicitor struck off the Rolls, a Light Comedian, an
+Undertaker, a Professor of Calisthenics, and a Hansom-cab Driver, and
+has now taken to the Education of Youth as a last resource to make
+ends meet, is anxious to hear from a sufficient number of dupes, in
+the shape of parsimonious Parents, to enable him to start his scheme,
+and see whether he can make anything out of it. They must be fools
+enough to believe that a thoroughly high-class, commercial, and
+classical education, including instruction in five modern languages,
+fitting the recipients for immediate entry into either the Church,
+the Army, or the Bar can be furnished, together with the use of an
+extensive swimming bath and gymnasium, and an unlimited supply of the
+very best diet, without any charge for washing, books, or extras,
+for twenty guineas per annum. The fact that a retired waiter from a
+Boulogne Restaurant takes charge of the Modern Languages, while the
+Higher Mathematics and swimming are entrusted to a late Custom House
+Officer, and the Classical and other Departments, are under the
+immediate supervision of the Principal, may be taken as a guarantee
+that the advertised curriculum is scrupulously and efficiently carried
+out. Apply for further Particulars to "PRINCIPAL," Uncertificated
+Tutors Association, S.E.
+
+       ***
+
+WANTED, BY THE PROPRIETOR OF A PATENT MEDICINE, a nervous and
+confiding Client who after reading a whole newspaper advertising
+column of diseases, and persuading himself that he is afflicted with
+most of them, will believe that by an outlay of 1s. 11/2d., he can
+entirely cure himself of the whole lot of them on the spot. He must
+not be disheartened if the first trial produces no effect. On the
+contrary, if the nostrum appears to develop fresh and disagreeable
+symptoms, he must manfully persevere, and face in turn neuralgia,
+rheumatic gout, fever, lumbago, sciatica, incipient paralysis, and
+even greater complications, rather than relinquish the remedy when he
+has once had recourse to it. In this way, it is obvious, he will not
+only be able to afford a permanent support to the sale of a dangerous
+and deleterious compound, but will, by its continual use, effectually
+and completely succeed in ultimately shattering his own constitution.
+Apply, "PROPRIETOR," Jollop's Specific Restorator, Patent Medicine
+Works, Pill Hill, N.E.
+
+       ***
+
+WANTED, A QUITE INEXPERIENCED HORSEMAN, to purchase, on the
+recommendation of a tricky Job Master, a thoroughly unsound and
+spavined Bay Cob that will be represented as having been "parted with"
+by its late owner, "a sporting Duke," for "no fault whatever." The
+creature, however, that is short in the wind, swollen at the hocks,
+an ugly stepper, and has not a single good point about it, having
+recently, when in the funeral business, kicked in a hearse, it has
+been decided to palm it off on the first unsuspecting purchaser that
+turns up as "quiet to ride" and going "nicely in harness," and it may
+confidently be relied upon to throw an unskilful or aged rider, or
+smash up a brougham at the very earliest opportunity. As it has also,
+at a previous period in its career, served as a trick horse at a
+Circus, and will, on meeting a German band, sit down on its haunches,
+it might be safely secured by any equestrian to whom some astonishment
+and a little music mingled with his morning's ride might prove a
+pleasing experience. Can be seen at GULLY'S Stables, Blinder Street,
+S.W.
+
+       ***
+
+A FEW THOROUGHLY UNSUSPECTING TENANTS wanted by a Jerry Builder, who
+has just run up a terrace of new houses anyhow, and is anxious to see
+if anybody can manage to live in them. None of the doors shut, all the
+windows let in draughts, and there are practically no drains. As the
+walls are one brick thick, and the playing of a piano can be heard
+through six houses, neighbours of a conversational turn might find a
+residence in them advantageous. Warranted to come down with a run in a
+high wind. Apply, "Builder," Dustbin Terrace, Killingham Road, E.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD WISH TO HAVE EXPRESSED DIFFERENTLY.
+
+_Guest._ "WELL, GOOD-BYE, OLD MAN!--AND YOU'VE REALLY GOT A VERY NICE
+LITTLE PLACE HERE!"
+
+_Host._ "YES; BUT IT'S RATHER BARE, JUST NOW. I HOPE THE TREES WILL
+HAVE GROWN A GOOD BIT BEFORE YOU'RE BACK, OLD MAN!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CONVENTION-AL POLITENESS.
+
+_Madame France (with effusion)--_
+
+  "And doth not a meeting like this make amends?"
+
+I trust I have quoted with textual accuracy your so charming, and to
+the actual situation happily appropriate poet?
+
+_Mr. Bull (avec empressement)._ It does--or perhaps I should say
+doth--indeed, Madam. As to the bit from the bard--well, may its
+appropriateness never be less! How much pleasanter than the grim
+dictum of an elder rhymester, who referred to your people as those
+
+  "Whom nature hath predestined for our foes,
+  And made it bliss and virtue to oppose."
+
+_Madame France._ The barbarian! Oppose, indeed! Why should we oppose
+each other, dear Monsieur BULL?
+
+_Mr. Bull._ Why, indeed?
+
+_Madame France._ True, your bellicose Lord PALMERSTON did oppose my
+great FERDINAND'S grand idea, and that from motives the most insular
+and unenlightened. Just as some few poltroons in your sea-girt isle
+at present oppose the Channel Tunnel, which yet, in good time, will
+doubtless become as benign an actuality as the Suez Canal itself.
+
+_Mr. Bull._ Humph! PAM had perhaps his reasons, which, in the light
+of subsequent events, one must admit not to have been without their
+weight.
+
+_Madame France._ Oh, Monsieur BULL! "Greater freedom of intercourse
+between nations is the tendency of our industrial and social
+development, and the tide of human intelligence cannot be arrested by
+_vague fears_." So I read in a pamphlet on the Tunnel. How true, is it
+not?
+
+_Mr. Bull._ Doubtless; as true as that the tide of invasion could not
+be arrested by cosmopolitan cant.
+
+_Madame France._ Invasion? Fie, Monsieur BULL! In the new lexicon of
+international amity there is no such word.
+
+_Mr. Bull._ If the excision of the _word_ could absolutely abolish the
+possibility of the thing, all would be well--between you and Germany,
+for instance.
+
+_Madame France._ _Sacre-e-e!_ I beg pardon. Expletives should also
+be banished from civility's lexicon. But BISMARCK is a _monstre_, a
+_miserable_,--whereas you----!    [_Bows sweetly._
+
+_Mr. Bull._ Inarticulate flattery, Madam, is irresistible--and
+unanswerable. The renewal--if, indeed, it was ever _really_
+interrupted--of the _entente cordiale_ between us, is a blessed boon
+not to be matched in value by a hundred--Tunnels!
+
+_Madame France._ And this Convention is the sign and seal of that
+renewal, _n'est-ce-pas_? I _knew_ you never intended to stop in Egypt.
+
+_Mr. Bull._ Longer than was necessary--assuredly not, Madam. And I was
+_certain_ the New Hebrides had no real charms to permanently arrest
+your feet.
+
+_Madame France._ Though a _pied a terre_ in Raraitea, of course--you
+comprehend, Monsieur!
+
+_Mr. Bull._ Perfectly. The questions of Egypt and the New Hebrides, of
+our post near the Pyramids, and your Protectorate near Tahiti, have,
+of course, no real connection.
+
+_Madame France._ Obviously, Monsieur! Are they not dealt with in
+separate Conventions?
+
+_Mr. Bull._ Ah! if all quarrels--I beg pardon, political
+problems--could as easily be settled by a Conventional Act!
+
+_Madame France._ How welcome to you, Monsieur, to all parties in
+your Parliament, to the "rescuers" as to the "retirers," to your
+Lord CHAMBERLAIN, as well as to your Grand Old GLADSTONE, must be the
+prospect of an early, not to say immediate withdrawal from the Land of
+the Pharaohs! Surely the fugitive Israelites of old never left it with
+such pleased promptitude as _you_ will--"scuttle out" of it! Have I
+accurate memory of the Beaconsfieldian phrase, Monsieur?
+
+_Mr. Bull._ Your memory, Madam, is miraculous. The forty
+centuries--_or, however, many more there may happen to be there at
+the moment of my departure_--will doubtless, in the words of your own
+great phraser, "look down from the Pyramids" with emotions not less
+marked than my own--and yours, Madam.
+
+_Madame France._ My emotions at the present moment--and yours, I
+hope, Monsieur--are simply of supreme joy at the so happy removal of
+difficulties and the so complete restoration of amity between us by
+this charming Convention, so satisfactory in its actual terms, so
+much more so _in its promises for the future_. I felicitate you, dear
+Monsieur BULL.
+
+_Mr. Bull._ And I, Madam, reciprocate your felicitations. (_Aside._)
+It pleases her, apparently, and I do not see that it can possibly hurt
+me!    [_Left bowing._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CONVENTION-AL POLITENESS.
+
+JOHN BULL. "DELIGHTED, MY DEAR MADAM! IT PLEASES YOU,
+AND--(_Aside_)--IT DOESN'T HURT _ME_!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SPEEDING THE PARTING GUEST.
+
+_Host (who has trod on the Lady's Skirt)._ "OH! FORGIVE ME! YOU SEE
+IT'S MY NATURAL INSTINCT TO DETAIN YOU!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+"_My Autobiography and Reminiscences_," by W. P. FRITH, R.A. The
+Modern Hogarth, painter of "_Ramsgate Sands_," "_The Derby Day_," and
+"_The Road to Ruin_," can use his pen as well as his pencil. "Where
+got thou that goose-quill?" as _Macbeth_ would have said, had
+SHAKSPEARE wished him to do so. How is it that Mr. FRITH has never
+employed his goose-quill before? Sometimes it is soft-nibbed, and
+occasionally hard-nibbed, but it is almost always well pointed; and,
+though he writes with an overflowing pen--for he frequently has to
+check his impulsive waywardness--yet there is scarcely a blot on the
+paper throughout the two volumes.
+
+Mr. FRITH is, first and foremost, a humorist, and, in his humour,
+so like THACKERAY, and so unlike DICKENS, that it is no wonder,
+considering the consistent inconsistency of human nature, he should
+have loved the latter, and disliked the former. Yet, with all
+his aversion to THACKERAY, personally--and "all his works" too,
+apparently, as he hardly mentions them--he records something very
+remarkable about the Satirist of the Snobs which could not be guessed
+at from THACKERAY'S own letters, nor from the anecdotes told about
+him. And it is this; that THACKERAY could make, and on occasion did
+make an excellent after-dinner speech. At the Macready banquet with
+BULWER LYTTON and DICKENS present, Mr. FRITH tells us, "THACKERAY also
+spoke well and very humorously." And there are three other instances;
+so that THACKERAY, who has recounted his own failure at the Literary
+Fund dinner, and whose utter collapse at the Cornhill Magazine dinner
+is a matter of Literary history, was not always a mistake as an
+after-dinner speaker. The modesty exhibited by Mr. FRITH in this
+autobiography is an exhibition as novel and attractive as was FRITH'S
+other exhibition in Bond Street,--because few autobiographers possess
+so keen a sense of humour as to be able to laugh at themselves, and to
+be candid about their own foibles and follies. Indeed some persons may
+think, and indeed he inclines to this opinion himself, that he goes
+too far in his frankness when narrating the practical jokes of that
+unscrupulous and cruel _farceur_ SOTHERN the actor, in some of which
+the autobiographer appears to have played a small, but not altogether
+unimportant part. In his way Mr. FRITH is as frank and open in his
+revelations as to his past career, as was Cardinal NEWMAN in his
+straightforward _Apologia pro sua vita_. In fact in these SOTHERN
+latitudes--there was a great deal of latitude in that quarter--Mr.
+FRITH'S work is suggestive less of an autobiography than of a
+naughty-biography. He owns that he feels "humiliated and pained" at
+recounting THACKERAY'S rude jocularity towards himself, and from the
+apologetic tone with which he introduces some of SOTHERN'S caddish
+practical jokes, in which Mr. FRITH had no share, and of which he was
+not the victim, it may be inferred that he had already begun to feel
+"humiliated and pained" at having given so much space to such stories.
+How glad he must now be that he kept a "dear Diary," which has been an
+invaluable aid to his memory.
+
+Another great merit in the book is that, without ever sacrificing its
+character as an Autobiography, it is never egotistical; egoism being
+the great "I-sore" of such works. Should the humble individual who
+writes this necessarily brief notice ever arrive at the time for
+publishing his Recollections, he is perfectly sure that the book will
+be unequalled as a work of imagination. Mr. FRITH tells us how he
+improved his pictures by touching them up,--some people, too, are
+occasionally improved by the same process, if the "touching up" is
+only done judiciously,--and his self-restraint is therefore really
+admirable when he rejects the temptation to embellish, or spice, a
+story which no one is likely to contradict. For instance, in what may
+be called the Sass-age portion of his early life, he has some amusing
+anecdotes about Mr. JACOB BELL, then an Art student. BELL drew a man
+hanging, and SASS, the master, told him to leave the studio, "as
+such a career," as the man hanging, "is a bad example to your
+fellow-pupils." Now Mr. FRITH ought to have given BELL a triumphant
+exit speech--he ought to have said to SASS, "Sir, I was only
+illustrating what should be the fate of every one of your successful
+pupils--_to be hung on the line_. Good day." Exit BELL. Then he
+recounts how JACOB BELL, who, like SOTHERN, had a taste for such
+practical jokes as are utterly indefensible on the score of good taste
+and gentlemanly feeling, dressed up as a woman, and went to a
+Quakers' Meeting House, where he sat among the female portion of the
+congregation. Thinking he was discovered, this nice young man "took
+fright," and bolted. Here Mr. FRITH should have made the jovial JACOB
+subsequently explain that "he left because the women were all jealous
+of him, as he was the only 'BELL' among them." Mr. FRITH, full of his
+fun, jests, and humour, must be congratulated on having stuck to the
+truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
+
+And if anyone wants a first-rate ghost-story for the coming Christmas
+time, let him get Mr. FRITH'S book, and read how the prosaic and
+sensible Mr. WESTWOOD saw a ghost. It is simply but exquisitely told,
+and were it not that Mr. FRITH had previously owned to his complicity
+with SOTHERN in some of his "spiritualistic" demonstrations, there
+would be no sort of ground for suspecting him capable of joking on
+such serious subjects. The book is full of good stories, among which
+_The Mysterious Sitter_ and _Beckford at Fonthill_ are about the best.
+There is already a rail round MUDIE'S counter, and in front of all
+SMITH'S stalls, to keep off the crowds from taking away FRITH'S latest
+production without paying. Many of us are eye-witnesses to the fact
+of the rails in front of SMITH'S bookstalls all the way down the
+line wherever a train runs. Mr. FRITH'S very good health, and, as his
+friend _Rip-Van-Winkle_ JEFFERSON used to say, "May he live long an'
+prosber."
+
+_De Omnibus Rebus_, by the author of _Flemish Interiors_. An odd book
+to be taken up at odd times. Amusing and chatty with a good deal of
+shrewd observation. He who rides may read; and as it is published by
+NIMMO, this firm in this instance might adopt the old Latin motto,
+"_'Nimmo' mortalium omnibus horis sapit_;" i.e. "NIMMO is wise to
+bring out a book for the omnibus hours of mortals."
+
+  OUR OWN BOOKWORM.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Madame PATTI'S house, in some unpronounceable Welsh place, was broken
+into by burglars. We hope they didn't rob her of any notes. The
+thieves came from Town--they were not Welshmen, oh no! _Mr. Punch_ has
+always asserted of the Welsh,--
+
+    "Taffy's not a thief."
+
+And it wasn't Taffy who went to PATTI'S house and stole a matter
+of seven pounds' worth of French francs. They found a box of M.
+NICOLINI'S cigars. But the thieves knew where to draw the line, and
+chucked the lot away in the garden, among the other weeds. They
+were "up to snuff," but not to tobacco in this form. Query, will M.
+NICOLINI'S friends be delighted to accept cigars from his case in
+future?
+
+       ***
+
+The Centenary of _Don Giovanni_ was celebrated at the two Universities
+by a banquet of the principal Dons.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BARTLETT'S BABY.
+
+  Welcome little Stranger! You
+  Are the darling of the Zoo,
+  BARTLETT'S babe, the public pet.
+  Lucky, lucky Zoo to get,
+  At a cost scarce worth the mention,
+  Living proof beyond contention
+  Of--oh! well, of whatsoever
+  _Savants_ sage and critics clever,
+  On their controversial mettle,
+  May--or maybe may _not_--settle.
+  Six-and-twenty years ago
+  (Buffers elderly may know)
+  Rose the great Gorilla feud;
+  Dr. GRAY was rather rude,
+  Rather on DU CHAILLU down,
+  And the shindy stirred the Town.
+  OWEN, great on brains and bones,
+  Lectured it in learned tones;
+  HUXLEY to the battle rushed;
+  Mutually they "pished" and "tushed"
+  In that calm and courteous way
+  _Savants_ have, when they're in fray.
+  _Mr. Punch_, with ample reason,
+  Called you "Lion of the Season,"
+  Great Gorilla. Now 'tis plain
+  The old fame revives again.
+  Happy BARTLETT! Lucky Ape!
+  Fortune comes in curious shape.
+  You perchance, oh simian child!
+  Might have roamed the Afric wild,
+  Like a nigger unreclaimed.
+  Unobserved, unknown, unnamed,
+  Fame concerning you quite dumb,
+  Even your "colossal thumb,"
+  By the scribes who columns vamp us,
+  Undescribed; your "hippo-campus"
+  (Whatsoever _that_ may be)
+  Not of notoriety.
+  Now!--Ah, infantine Gorilla,
+  Every small suburban villa
+  With your rising fame will ring;
+  All the sort of folk who bring
+  Buns unto the prisoned bear,
+  To your cage will come, and stare.
+  Buns? Oh, BARTLETT,--master sage,
+  Autocrat of den and cage!--
+  Nothing will begrudge, I'm sure,
+  That may nourish, please, or cure
+  His prognathous little pet.
+  Half the luxuries you'll get
+  Would leave satiate and cloyed
+  Any hungry "Unemployed."
+  Cakes--and, if you like it, Ale--
+  Oh, Gorilla, will not fail;
+  GUNTER'S you may sack at will,
+  Or, if you prefer to fill
+  Otherwise your dainty maw
+  Than with sweeties and stick-jaw,
+  Like the indiscriminate bear,
+  You may choose your Bill of Fare.
+  Toys? Ah, bring them, baby, quick;
+  Will a monkey on a stick
+  Touch a sympathetic chord?
+  Well, let's hope you won't be bored,
+  Baby Ape, by BARTLETT'S love,
+  And the crowds who'll stare and shove;
+  Long for Afric wild but free,
+  And a station "up a tree,"
+  Watching, with prehensile thumb,
+  For--whatever food may come.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "HERE'S ANOTHER GUY!"
+
+OR, THE BABY GORILLA AT THE ZOO.
+
+_Nurse Bartlett._ "HE SHALL HAVE A FIFTEEN-SHILLING PINE, HE SHALL!
+AND FINEST ENGLISH HOT-HOUSE GRAPES, HE SHALL! AND GOLD-DUST TOO, IF
+HE CRIES FOR IT, THE LITTLE DARLING!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VOCES POPULI.
+
+SCENE--_The People's Palace; In Building set apart for Poultry,
+Pigeon, and Rabbit Show. Stream of Visitors inspecting animals in zinc
+and wire pens._
+
+_Amandus Milendius (to Amanda Milendia: coming to a halt before cage
+containing "roopy"-looking fowl, with appearance of having been sent
+out on pair of legs several sizes too tall for it)._ They've 'ighly
+commended _'im_, yer see.
+
+_Amanda M. (who does not converse with facility)._ Um!
+
+    [_Looks at bird without seeing it._
+
+_Amandus._ Yes, they must ha' thought 'ighly of 'im before they'd
+commend him like that, yer know!
+
+_Amanda (wishing she was readier of response)._ Ah! (_The fowl winks
+slowly at her with his lower eyelid_). Come away--I don't like him!
+
+    [_They move on._
+
+_The Exhibitor (coming up and inspecting his bird with pride)._
+'Ere--JOE! (_Fowl shuts both eyes with a bored expression_). B'longs
+to _me_--that bird, Sir! (_To Bystander._)
+
+_Visitor (from the West; anxious to be agreeable)._ Ha, a fine
+bird--magnificent!
+
+_Exhibitor._ Bred 'im myself, Sir--he's a bit sleepy just now.
+(_Apologetically_). Wake up, ole chap! (_Fowl half opens one eye, and
+closes it immediately on perceiving proprietor._) _Knows_ me, yer see!
+
+_Visitor (with fatal rashness)._ A--a Brahma, isn't he?
+
+    [_Wonders what made him say that, and tries to think what Brahmas
+are like--when they are not locks._
+
+_Exhibitor (in tone of pitying reproach)._ _No,_ Sir--no.--Black Red
+_Bantam_, Sir!
+
+_Visitor (wishing he had remained vague)._ Oh--ah, just so--good
+evening.
+
+_A Cock (derisively)._ Crorky--rorky--roo!
+
+AT THE RABBIT PENS.
+
+_Another Exhibitor (accompanied by Friend with Catalogue)._ I ain't
+come across my Buck yet. He took a prize, I heerd. (_Stops at Cage._)
+Ah, this looks like him.... Third Prize, yer see--not so bad, eh?
+    [_Chuckles._
+
+_The Friend._ Hold on a bit! (_Refers to Catalogue._) "Number seven
+'underd and two. PARTON. Buck. Eight months." _Your_ name ain't
+PARTON.
+
+_Exhib._ Then it's mine in the next. _Second_ Prize! Better'n Third,
+that, ain't it?
+
+_The Friend._ They've got _that_ down as PARTON'S too.
+
+_Exhib._ Well, I _thought_ some'ow as----_this_ is him anyway. Look
+'ere! _First_ Prize! And deserves it, though I sez it myself!
+
+_Friend (not without a certain satisfaction)._ No--no, you're wrong
+again. I'll show you where _you_ are. See. "Seven 'underd and five. W.
+CROPPER. Buck. Ten months." _That's_ you!
+
+_Exhib. (incredulously)._ That? that ain't never _my_ cream buck!
+(_The rabbit remains wrapt in meditation._) I'll soon show yer.
+(_Blows in rabbit's face. Mutual recognition. Tableau._) It _is_ my
+buck! And only 'ighly commended! (_Recovering himself._) Well, I arsk
+you if he oughtn't to ha' done the other--him as they've given the
+First Prize to? Why, there ain't no comparison between them two
+rabbits!
+
+_The Cock (encouragingly)._ Crorky-rorky-roo!
+
+_The Friend (losing all further interest)._ Well, it's all chance
+like. Let's go and 'ave a look at them Lops.
+
+_Crowd of Admirers around pen containing gigantic gander._
+
+_First Admirer._ That's _WILKINSES'_ gander, that is.
+
+_Second Admirer._ A fine-grown bird, I _will_ say.
+
+    [_Handsomely, as if he would hardly have expected such a person as
+WILKINS to produce anything as good as THAT._
+
+_Third Admirer._ Monster, ain't he? Why, yer might _ride_ on him!
+
+_Small Child (pointing delightedly at the Gander)._ 'Ook, Mozzer,
+pitty duck!
+
+_Fond Parent (admiringly)._ I declare it's wonderful how quick he gets
+the names--it _is_ a fine duck!
+
+_The Cock (with a touch of correction)._ Crorky--rorky--roo!
+
+_A Connoisseur (inspecting pigeon)._ Now, _there's_ a nice
+pigeon--that _is_ a nice pigeon; but I tell yer what it is--he ain't
+got the space to do hisself justice in there. Give him a bigger pen,
+and a brick to stand on, and you'd soon see the difference!
+
+_Fellow Conn._ They ought to ha' give him more room to show off his
+tail in--else what's the good of a bird _'aving_ a tail, come to that?
+
+_First Conn. (sententiously)._ Ah, you've 'it it.
+
+_Competitor (apparently, unsuccessful)._ I say, (_with bitter
+sarcasm_) 'Are yer seen the pair as take a Fust? Birds I wouldn't pick
+up if I found 'em in the street--no, _that_ I wouldn't! Fust Prize to
+them--hor-hor! Well, the world's comin' to a pretty pass, I must say!
+Arter _that!_----    [_Eloquent aposiopesis._
+
+_Amandus (tolerantly, to Amanda)._ Well, pidgings _are_ pretty much
+alike, unless you've been brought up to know the differences. I 'ad a
+_Uncle_ a breeder.
+
+_Amanda (feeling that her ignorance is no longer a discredit)._ Then
+_you'd_ know!    [_They go out arm-in-arm, silent but sympathetic._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+INTERIORS AND EXTERIORS. No. 52.
+
+[Illustration: PLATFORM ORATORY. By Our Travelling Special.
+
+[Our Politicians now, in humble imitation of the Great Original, are
+adopting the fashion of making speeches from railway carriages,
+or utilising the ten minutes allowed for refreshment by addressing
+constituents on the platform. The Railway Companies, in order to
+observe strict neutrality, should re-construct carriages to suit and
+carry the political leaders, and should re-build or increase existing
+stations on the line, so as to accommodate the public with various
+"platforms."]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Enter-tainments" are not now so much the object of our Fireproof
+Theatrical Managers as "Exit-tainments." At TERRY'S new theatre
+everyone feels perfectly secure. It is only the Lessee, who always
+appears terry-fied.
+
+       ***
+
+DEPARTURE OF DISTINGUISHED FURRY-NERS.--The _Standard_ said last week
+that two thousand live rabbits were on the eve of being despatched
+to British Columbia. Fifty thousand onions should be sent with them.
+What's a Rabbit without onions? _L'Onion fait la force._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER CHANCE FOR JOE AND JESSE.
+
+Mr. CAVE, long associated with theatrical management--re-opens
+Sadler's Wells on the fifth of November. We are assured that Mr.
+CHAMBERLAIN'S recent visit to Merrie Islington had nothing whatever to
+do with the forthcoming "good old-fashioned Grimaldi comic pantomime,"
+with which Mr. CAVE promises to entertain his patrons at Christmas
+time. Perhaps, after all, the Fisheries Commissioner is not going to
+Canada, but is going to join A. CAVE at Islington, for what on earth
+is the use of a "Grimaldi pantomime" without a "JOEY?" Then what
+a chance for him, in the good old Grimaldi style, to sing "Hot
+Collings," rewritten by his faithful accompanyist JESSE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TORCHLIGHT AND GUY FAWKES DAY.--Mr. GLADSTONE says that coming into
+collision with the Police on the subject of torches, "he would rather
+suffer torchers!"
+
+       ***
+
+MR. WILFUL BLUNT.--Whether the right of Free Speaking is permitted in
+Ireland or not, we would decline just now to decide. But certain BLUNT
+speaking was very soon stopped.
+
+       ***
+
+"AU PLAISIR."--Motto for AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS during the run of the
+present piece.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FOUR NOBLE BURGLARS.
+
+  A Baron, a Marquis, a Duke, and an Earl
+    Were dining together one evening at White's;
+  They were all overdone by the worry and whirl
+    Of a long London season's amusements and sights--
+  By the luncheons that stupify, dinners that tire,
+    Dull rides in the Row, deadly five o'clock teas,
+  At which fashion condemns you to gasp and perspire
+    While draining the cup of _ennui_ to the lees.
+
+  No pleasure they took in the joys of the table;
+    Though stalwart, they recked not to breakfast or sup--
+  E'en to plunge at _bezique_ they no longer were able,
+    For the fact was these nobles were deuced hard up!
+  Moaned the Marquis, "We're all in a state of depression;
+    As for me, my existence is simply a bore;
+  Let us strike a new line out--adopt some profession
+    Which no British Peer ever practised before."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  Then the Baron cried, "Listen, old chappies; I've hit
+    On a notion that's brilliant and perfectly new;--
+  Why shouldn't we four try to burgle a bit,
+    And wrest from the wealthy what's fairly our due?
+  Garotting is vulgar, and cruel to boot,
+    The pickpocket oft is despised when detected;
+  But burglary's just the profession to suit
+    A lover of enterprise, highly connected."
+
+  A paper was fetched, and his Grace read aloud
+    The following paragraph:--"Criminal Tips!
+  Young Nobles and Gentlemen under a cloud
+    Apply to Professor JEHOSHAPHAT FIPPS,
+  At his residence, 2, Sheppard Buildings, E.C.,
+    Where he nightly gives lessons, from seven till nine,
+  To youngsters of spirit, from prejudice free,
+    In arts which amusement with profit combine."
+
+  Next evening the Peers, fully dressed for their parts
+    In moleskin and highlows and flat beaver-caps,
+  Sought out the Professor with quick-throbbing hearts,
+    Their courage all but in a state of collapse.
+  Mr. FIPPS gave them seats; then politely inquired,
+    If aught to oblige them perchance he could do,
+  And replied, when they told him what 'twas they required,
+    "All right, noble sportsmen!--I'll soon put you through!"
+
+  He taught them to handle the jemmy with grace,
+    To frisk with the centrebit, toy with the file--
+  To flourish the fitful dark-lantern apace,
+    And wield the gay crowbar in elegant style;
+  With skeleton-keys to pick counting-house locks,
+    To ply the dumb saw and the chisel that's cold,
+  To prize up the lid of a banker's strong-box,
+    And the portals of burglar-proof safes to unfold.
+
+  When their Lordships were thoroughly versed in their trade,
+    And had passed their exams, in a masterly way,
+  They agreed that a dashing attempt should be made,
+    Their expertness to test without further delay.
+  Should they first try their hands at a light, easy job,
+    Not too risky, but graceful, artistic and neat,
+  Or essay a bold stroke the Exchequer to rob,
+    Or the merry Old Lady of Threadneedle Street?
+
+  At last they resolved that the best thing to do,
+    Was to try an experiment, just for a lark,
+  (And to keep their hands in for a lucrative _coup_,)
+    On a workman's abode near Victoria Park.
+  They hankered for something quite simple and plain,
+    Both suburban and poor, for their trial essay;
+  So they picked out a one-storeyed house down a lane,
+    Which they learned had been empty for many a day.
+
+  They commenced their attack in the dead of the night,
+    Scaled a wall, dug a tunnel, and cut through two floors,
+  Wrenched a lock off with stern, irresistible might,
+    And broke open some thoroughly unsecured doors.
+  For booty they hunted below and on high--
+    But naught could they find save a chunk of cold veal,
+  Till, down in the basement, they chanced to espy,
+    Near the back-kitchen sink a huge trapdoor of steel.
+
+  In a second the trap from its fastness they tore,
+    When, heaped up pell-mell, of all shapes and all sizes,
+  The gratified Peers beheld score upon score
+    Of grand and legitimate housebreakers' prizes,--
+  Tiaras of rubies and diamond _rivieres_,
+    Superb jewelled bracelets and brooches and rings,
+  Great emerald, sapphire, and pearl _solitaires_,
+    And all manner of precious, magnificent things.
+
+  As they gazed on these treasures with glittering eyes,
+    Lightly handling the gewgaws with delicate touches,
+  The Duke softly murmured, "Oh! what a surprise!
+    Why, some of these trinkets belong to the Duchess!"
+  "By Jove!" said the Marquis, "this carcanet here
+    Has been worn scores of times by my dowager-aunt!"
+  And the Baron rejoined, "It seems perfectly clear
+    That this squalid abode is a regular plant!"
+
+  "What a joke!" cried the Earl. "We have chanced on the ken
+    Of professional brethren, our seniors in guile,
+  And I think that, for young inexperienced men,
+    We have collared their plunder in workmanlike style.
+  Let us cull and remove these nefarious hoards--
+    We can turn the whole lot into cash at our leisure;
+  A delightful career is before us, my Lords,
+    A bright future of usefulness, profit, and pleasure!"
+
+  The next day they disposed of their swag for a plum,
+    And invested the proceeds in Spaniards and Turks,
+  After nobly deducting a moderate sum
+    For the Burglar's Relief Fund and other good works.
+  They paid all their creditors, kept up their rank.
+    Betted ponies and monkeys like regular "toppers;"
+  Till one night, as they'd just broken into a bank,
+    These deserving young nobles were nailed by the "coppers."
+
+  The Old Bailey was crowded one sunny May morn
+    With ladies arrayed in superlative frocks,
+  When the jury who sate on our nobles forlorn,
+    Found them guilty at once, without leaving the box.
+  And it thus came to pass, I regret to relate,
+    That these earnest, industrious, well-meaning Peers,
+  The pride of their order, the stay of the State,
+    Were condemned to pick oakum for twenty-one years!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A WORD FOR THE WAR-OFFICE.--Mrs. RAMSBOTHAM says it's all very well
+to talk about the parsimony of the War-Office; but she hears that the
+soldiers are provided with fatigue jackets, and thinks it's really
+kind of the Authorities to supply the men with something special to
+wear when they are tired.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOW WE ADVERTISE NOW.
+
+[Illustration: SUGGESTION FOR UTILISING A NOW WELL-KNOWN MURAL
+DECORATION(?)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber's Notes
+
+A small number of minor typographical errors have been corrected.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+93, November 5, 1887, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, NOV. 5, 1887 ***
+
+***** This file should be named 37465.txt or 37465.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
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