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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 30003 ***
+
+  LAW AND LAUGHTER
+
+
+  BY GEORGE A. MORTON
+  AND D. MACLEOD MALLOCH
+
+
+  ILLUSTRATED WITH PORTRAITS OF
+  EMINENT MEMBERS OF BENCH & BAR
+
+
+  T. N. FOULIS
+  LONDON & EDINBURGH
+  1913
+
+
+
+  _Published October 1913_
+
+
+  Printed by BALLANTYNE, HANSON & CO.
+  at the Ballantyne Press, Edinburgh
+
+
+
+
+  TO
+  THE MEMORY OF
+  D. MACLEOD MALLOCH
+
+
+
+
+    "As crafty lawyers to acquire applause
+    Try various arts to get a double cause,
+    So does an author, rummaging his brain,
+    By various methods, try to entertain."
+
+    PASQUIN.
+
+
+
+
+PREFACE
+
+
+The scope of this volume is indicated by its title--a presentation of
+the lighter side of law, as it is exhibited from time to time in the
+witty remarks, repartees, and _bon mots_ of the Bench and Bar of Great
+Britain, Ireland, and America. The idea of presenting such a collection
+of legal _facetiæ_ originated with the late Mr. D. Macleod Malloch, and
+it is greatly to be regretted that by his untimely death, his share of
+the work had reached the stage of selecting only about one-half of the
+material included in the book. His knowledge of law, and his wide
+reading in legal biography, was such as would have increased
+considerably the value of this volume.
+
+In addition to sources which are acknowledged in the text, I have to
+mention contributions drawn from the following works: W. D. Adams'
+_Modern Anecdotes_; W. Andrews' _The Lawyer in History, Literature and
+Humour_; Croake James's _Curiosities of Law_; F. R. O'Flanagan's _The
+Irish Bar_; and A. Engelbach's comprehensive and entertaining _Anecdotes
+of the Bench and Bar_. I am further indebted to Sir James Balfour Paul,
+Lyon King of Arms, for permission to include "The Circuiteer's Lament,"
+from the privately printed volume _Ballads of the Bench and Bar_, and to
+the editor of the _Edinburgh Evening Dispatch_ for a number of the more
+recent anecdotes in the Scottish chapters of the book.
+
+     GEO. A. MORTON.
+
+
+
+
+       LIST OF CONTENTS
+
+
+    I. THE JUDGES OF ENGLAND        PAGE 3
+
+   II. THE BARRISTERS OF ENGLAND        67
+
+  III. THE JUDGES OF IRELAND           107
+
+   IV. THE BARRISTERS OF IRELAND       127
+
+    V. THE JUDGES OF SCOTLAND          153
+
+   VI. THE ADVOCATES OF SCOTLAND       199
+
+  VII. THE AMERICAN BENCH AND BAR      223
+
+
+
+
+  LIST OF PORTRAITS
+
+
+  LORD THURLOW                                  _Frontispiece_
+
+    _From a painting by Thomas Phillips, R.A.
+    By permission of the Trustees of the National Portrait
+    Gallery._
+
+  EARL OF ROSSLYN                                     _Page_ 8
+
+  EARL OF MANSFIELD                                         16
+
+  EARL OF ELDON                                             20
+
+    _By permission of the Trustees of the Scottish National
+    Portrait Gallery._
+
+  LORD KENYON                                               24
+
+  LORD ERSKINE                                              32
+
+  LORD WESTBURY                                             36
+
+  LORD BROUGHAM                                             40
+
+  LORD CAMPBELL                                             44
+
+    _By permission of the Trustees of the National Portrait
+    Gallery, and Mr. Emery Walker._
+
+  LORD CHELMSFORD                                           48
+
+  SIR ALEXANDER COCKBURN                                    52
+
+    _By permission of Harry A. Cockburn, Esq._
+
+  LORD BRAMPTON (SIR HENRY HAWKINS)                         56
+
+  THE HON. MR. JUSTICE DARLING                              60
+
+    _From a photograph by C. Vandyk._
+
+  SIR SAMUEL MARTIN                                         64
+
+  THE HON. MR. JUSTICE GRANTHAM                             72
+
+    _From a photograph by Elliott & Fry, Ltd._
+
+  JOHN ADOLPHUS                                             76
+
+  SAMUEL WARREN, Q.C.                                       80
+
+  LORD ROMILLY                                              88
+
+  SERJEANT TALFOURD                                         96
+
+  VISCOUNT CARLETON                                        112
+
+    _By permission of the Trustees of the Scottish National
+    Portrait Gallery._
+
+  JOHN P. CURRAN                                           128
+
+    _By permission of the Trustees of the Scottish National
+    Portrait Gallery._
+
+  DANIEL O'CONNELL                                         144
+
+    _By permission of the Trustees of the Scottish National
+    Portrait Gallery._
+
+  LORD NEWTON                                              156
+
+  LORD ESKGROVE                                            160
+
+  LORD KAMES                                               164
+
+  LORD ELDIN                                               168
+
+  LORD COCKBURN                                            176
+
+  LORD BRAXFIELD                                           184
+
+    _By permission of the Trustees of the Scottish National
+    Portrait Gallery._
+
+  LORD YOUNG                                               192
+
+    _From a photograph by T. & R. Annan & Sons._
+
+  THE HON. HENRY ERSKINE                                   200
+
+    _By permission of the Trustees of the Scottish National
+    Portrait Gallery._
+
+  ANDREW CROSBIE                                           208
+
+    _By permission of the Faculty of Advocates._
+
+  THEOPHILUS PARSONS                                       224
+
+  RUFUS CHOATE                                             232
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER ONE
+
+THE JUDGES OF ENGLAND
+
+
+    "The man resolv'd and steady to his trust,
+    Inflexible to ill, and obstinately just,
+    May the rude rabble's insolence despise,
+    Their senseless clamours, and tumultuous cries;
+    The tyrant's fierceness he beguiles,
+    And the stern brow, and the harsh voice defies,
+    And with superior greatness smiles."
+
+    HORACE: _Odes_.
+
+
+    "The charge is prepared, the lawyers are set;
+    The judges are ranged, a terrible show."
+
+    _Beggar's Opera._
+
+
+
+
+  LAW AND LAUGHTER
+  BY GEORGE A. MORTON
+  AND D. MACLEOD MALLOCH
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER ONE
+
+THE JUDGES OF ENGLAND
+
+
+Mr. Justice Darling, whose witty remarks from the Bench are so much
+appreciated by his audiences in Court, and, it is rumoured, are not
+always received with approval by his brother judges, says, in his
+amusing book _Scintillæ Juris_:
+
+"It is a common error to suppose that our law has no sense of humour,
+because for the most part the judges who expound it have none."
+
+But law is, after all, a serious business--at any rate for the
+litigants--and it would appear also for the attorneys, for while
+witticisms of the Bench and Bar abound, very few are recorded of the
+attorney and his client. "Law is law" wrote the satirist who decided not
+to adopt it as a profession. "Law is like a country dance; people are
+led up and down in it till they are tired. Law is like a book of
+surgery--there are a great many terrible cases in it. It is also like
+physic--they who take least of it are best off. Law is like a homely
+gentlewoman--very well to follow. Law is like a scolding wife--very bad
+when it follows us. Law is like a new fashion--people are bewitched to
+get into it. It is also like bad weather--most people are glad when they
+get out of it."
+
+From very early times there have appeared on the Bench expounders of the
+law who by the phrase "for the most part" must be acquitted of Mr.
+Justice Darling's charge of having no sense of humour; judges who, like
+himself, have lightened the otherwise dreary routine of duty by
+pleasantries which in no way interfered with the course of justice. One
+of the earliest of our witty judges, whose brilliant sayings have come
+down to us, was Henry VIII's Lord Chancellor, Sir Thomas More, who lost
+his head because he would not acknowledge his king as head of the
+Church. To Sir Thomas Manners, Earl of Rutland, who had made a somewhat
+insolent remark, the Lord Chancellor quietly replied, 'Honores mutant
+mores'--Honours change manners. Sir Thomas's humour was what may be
+called _quiet_, because its effect did not immediately show itself in
+boisterous merriment, but would undoubtedly remain long in the
+remembrance of those to whom it was addressed. Made with as much
+courtesy as irony, is it likely his keeper in the Tower would ever
+forget his remark? "Assure yourself I do not dislike my cheer; but
+whenever I do, then spare not to thrust me out of your doors." Nor did
+his quaint humour desert him at the scaffold: "Master Lieutenant," said
+he, "I pray you see me safe up; for my coming down let me shift for
+myself." Even with his head on the block he could not resist a humorous
+remark, when putting aside his beard he said to the executioner, "Wait,
+my good friend, till I have removed my beard, for it has never offended
+his highness."
+
+Another judge of the sixteenth century, Sir Nicholas Bacon, who
+resembled Sir Thomas More in the gentleness of his happiest speeches,
+could also on occasion exhibit an unnecessary coarseness in his jocular
+retorts. A circuit story is told of him in which a convicted felon named
+Hog appealed for remission of his sentence on the ground that he was
+related to his lordship. "Nay, my friend," replied the judge, "you and I
+cannot be kindred except you be hanged, for hog is not bacon until it be
+well hung." This retort was not quite so coarse as that attributed to
+the Scottish judge, Lord Kames, two centuries later, who on sentencing
+to death a man with whom he had often played chess and very frequently
+been beaten, added after the solemn words of doom, "And noo, Matthew,
+ye'll admit that's checkmate for you."
+
+To Lord Chancellor Hatton, also an Elizabethan judge who aimed at
+sprightliness on the Bench, a clever _mot_ is attributed. The case
+before him was one concerning the limits of certain land. The counsel
+having remarked with emphasis, 'We lie on this side, my lord,' and the
+opposing counsel with equal vehemence having interposed, 'And we lie on
+this side, my lord'--the Lord Chancellor dryly observed, "If you lie on
+both sides, whom am I to believe?" It would seem that punning was as
+great a power in the Law Courts of that time as it is at the present
+day. When Egerton as Master of the Rolls was asked to commit a
+cause--refer it to a Master in Chancery--he would reply, "What has the
+cause done that it should be committed?"
+
+Many witticisms of Westminster Hall, attributed to barristers of the
+Georgian and Victorian periods, are traceable to a much earlier date.
+There is the story of Serjeant Wilkins, whose excuse for drinking a pot
+of stout at mid-day was, that he wanted to fuddle his brain down to the
+intellectual standard of a British jury. Two hundred and fifty years
+earlier, Sir John Millicent, a Cambridgeshire judge, on being asked how
+he got on with his brother judges replied, "Why, i' faithe, I have no
+way but to drink myself down to the capacity of the Bench." And this
+merry thought has also been attributed to one eminent barrister who
+became Lord Chancellor, and to more than one Scottish advocate who
+ultimately attained to a seat on the Bench.
+
+And to various celebrities of the later Georgian period has been
+attributed Lord Shaftesbury's reply to Charles II. When the king
+exclaimed, "Shaftesbury, you are the most profligate man in my
+dominions," the Chancellor answered somewhat recklessly, "Of a subject,
+sir, I believe I am."
+
+Bullying witnesses is an old practice of the Bar, but for instances of
+it emanating from the Bench one has to go very far back. A witness with
+a long beard was giving evidence that was displeasing to Jeffreys, when
+judge, who said: "If your conscience is as large as your beard, you'll
+swear anything." The old man retorted: "My lord, if your lordship
+measures consciences by beards, your lordship has none at all."
+
+A somewhat similar story of Jeffreys' bullying manner, when at the Bar,
+is that of his cross-examining a witness in a leathern doublet, who had
+made out a complete case against his client. Jeffreys shouted: "You
+fellow in the leathern doublet, pray what have you for swearing?" The
+man looked steadily at him, and "Truly, sir," said he, "if you have no
+more for lying than I have for swearing, you might wear a leathern
+doublet as well as I."
+
+Instances of disrespect to the Bench are rarely met with in early as
+happily in later days. There is, perhaps, the most flagrant example of
+young Wedderburn in the Scottish Court of Session, when with dramatic
+effect he threw off his gown and declared he would never enter the Court
+again; but he rose to be Lord Chancellor of England. Scarcely less
+disrespectful (but not said openly to the Bench) was young Edward Hyde
+when hinting that the death of judges was of small moment compared with
+his chances of preferment. "Our best news," he wrote to a friend, "is
+that we have good wine abundantly come over; our worst that the plague
+is in town, _and no judges die_."
+
+[Illustration: ALEXANDER WEDDERBURN, EARL OF ROSSLYN, LORD CHANCELLOR.]
+
+In squabbles between the Bench and the Bar there are few stories that
+match for personality the retort of a counsel to Lord Fortescue. His
+lordship was disfigured by a purple nose of abnormal growth.
+Interrupting counsel one day with the observation: "Brother, brother,
+you are handling the case in a very lame manner," the angry counsel
+calmly retorted, "Pardon me, my lord; have patience with me and I will
+do my best to make the case as plain as--as--the nose on your lordship's
+face." Nor did the retort of an Attorney-General to a judge, after a
+warm discussion on a point which the latter claimed to decide, show much
+respect for the Bench. The judge closed the argument with "I ruled so
+and so."--"_You_ ruled," muttered the Attorney-General. "_You_ ruled!
+You were never fit to rule anything but a copy-book."
+
+Verse has been used as a medium of much amusing legal wit and humour,
+although law and law cases do not offer very easy subjects for turning
+into rhyme. But a good illustration is afforded by Mr. Justice Powis,
+who had a habit of repeating the phrase, "Look, do you see," and "I
+humbly conceive." At York Assize Court on one occasion he said to Mr.
+Yorke, afterwards Lord Hardwicke, "Mr. Yorke, I understand you are going
+to publish a poetical version of 'Coke upon Lyttelton.' Will you
+favour me with a specimen?"--"Certainly, my lord," replied the
+barrister, who thereupon gravely recited:
+
+      "He that holdeth his lands in fee
+        Need neither shake nor shiver,
+      I humbly conceive, for, look, do you see,
+        They are his and his heirs for ever."
+
+In Sir James Burrows' reports is given a poetical version of Chief
+Justice Pratt's decision with regard to a woman of English birth who was
+the widow of a foreigner.
+
+      "A woman having a settlement,
+        Married a man with none,
+      The question was, he being dead,
+        If what she had was gone.
+
+      Quoth Sir John Pratt, 'The settlement
+        Suspended doth remain
+      Living the husband; but him dead
+        It doth revive again.'"
+
+  Chorus of Puisne Judges:
+
+      "Living the husband; but him dead
+        It doth revive again."
+
+The Chief Justice's decision having been reversed by his successor,
+Chief Justice Ryder's decision was reported:
+
+      "A woman having a settlement
+        Married a man with none;
+      He flies and leaves her destitute,
+        What then is to be done?
+
+      Quoth Ryder the Chief Justice,
+        'In spite of Sir John Pratt,
+      You'll send her to the parish
+        In which she was a brat.'
+
+      _Suspension of a settlement_
+        Is not to be maintained.
+      That which she had by birth subsists
+        Until another's gained."
+
+  Chorus of Puisne Judges:
+
+      "That which she had by birth subsists
+       Until another's gained."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: EDWARD THURLOW, BARON THURLOW. LORD CHANCELLOR.]
+
+Many of the well-known witticisms attributed to great judges are so
+tinged with personality--even tending to malignity--that no one
+possessing respect for human nature can read them without being tempted
+to regard them as mere biographical fabrications. But such a
+construction cannot be put upon the stories told of Lord Chancellor
+Thurlow, whose overbearing insolence to the Bar is well known. To a few
+friends like John Scott, Lord Eldon, and Lloyd Kenyon, Lord Kenyon, he
+could be consistently indulgent; but to those who provoked him by an
+independent and fearless manner he was little short of a persecutor.
+Once when Scott was about to follow his leader, who had made an
+unusually able speech, the Chancellor addressed him: "Mr. Scott, I am
+glad to find you are engaged in the cause, for I now stand some chance
+of knowing something about the matter." This same leader of the Bar on
+one occasion, in the excitement of professional altercation, made use of
+an undignified expression before Lord Thurlow; but before his lordship
+could take notice of it the counsel immediately apologised, saying, "My
+lord, I beg your lordship's pardon. I really forgot for the moment where
+I was." A silent recognition of the apology would have made the counsel
+feel his position more keenly, but the Chancellor could not let such an
+opportunity pass and immediately flashed out: "You thought you were in
+your own Court, I presume," alluding to a Welsh judgeship held by the
+offending counsel.
+
+As a contrast to Lord Thurlow's treatment of Scott's leader, the
+following story--given in Scott's own words--shows how the great
+Chancellor could unbend himself in the company of men who were in his
+favour. "After dinner, one day when nobody was present but Lord Kenyon
+and myself, Lord Thurlow said, 'Taffy, I decided a cause this morning,
+and I saw from Scott's face that he doubted whether I was right.'
+Thurlow then stated his view of the case, and Kenyon instantly said,
+'Your decision was quite right.' 'What say you to that?' asked the
+Chancellor. I said, 'I did not presume to form a case on which they were
+both agreed. But I think a fact has not been mentioned, which may be
+material.' I was about to state the fact, and my reasons. Kenyon,
+however, broke in upon me, and with some warmth stated that I was always
+so obstinate there was no dealing with me. 'Nay,' interposed Thurlow,
+'that's not fair. You, Taffy, are obstinate, and give no reasons. You,
+Jack, are obstinate too; but then you give your reasons, and d--d bad
+ones they are!'"
+
+Another anecdote again illustrates the Chancellor's treatment of even
+those who were on a friendly footing with him. Sir Thomas Davenport, a
+great Nisi Prius leader, had long flattered himself with the hope of
+succeeding to some valuable appointment in the law; but several good
+things passing by, he lost his patience and temper along with them. At
+last he addressed this laconic application to his patron: "The Chief
+Justiceship of Chester is vacant; am I to have it?" and received the
+following laconic answer: "No! by G--d! Kenyon shall have it."
+
+Scarcely less courteous was this Lord Chancellor's treatment of a
+solicitor who endeavoured to prove to him a certain person's death. To
+all his statements the Chancellor replied, "Sir, that is no proof," till
+at last the solicitor losing patience exclaimed: "Really, my lord, it is
+very hard and it is not right that you should not believe me. I knew the
+man well: I saw the man dead in his coffin. My lord, the man was my
+client." "Good G--d, sir! why didn't you tell me that sooner? I should
+not have doubted the fact one moment; for I think nothing can be so
+likely to kill a man as to have you for his attorney."
+
+As Keeper of the Great Seal Thurlow had the alternate presentation to a
+living with the Bishop of ----. The Bishop's secretary called upon the
+Lord Chancellor and said, "My Lord Bishop of ---- sends his compliments
+to your lordship, and believes that the next turn to present to ----
+belongs to his lordship."--"Give his lordship my compliments," replied
+the Chancellor, "and tell him that I will see him d--d first before he
+shall present."--"This, my lord," retorted the secretary, "is a very
+unpleasant message to deliver to a bishop." To which the Chancellor
+replied, "You are right, it is so; therefore tell the Bishop that _I
+will be_ d--d first before he shall present."
+
+Lord Campbell in his life of Thurlow says that in his youth the
+Chancellor was credited with wild excesses. There was a story, believed
+at the time, of some early amour with the daughter of a Dean of
+Canterbury, to which the Duchess of Kingston alluded when on her trial
+at the House of Lords. Looking Thurlow, then Attorney-General, full in
+the face she said, "That learned gentleman dwelt much on my faults, but
+I too, if I chose, could tell a Canterbury tale."
+
+But with all his bitterness and sarcasm Lord Thurlow had a genuine
+sense of humour, as the following story of his Cambridge days
+illustrates--days when he was credited with more disorderly pranks and
+impudent escapades than attention to study. "Sir," observed a tutor, "I
+never come to the window but I see you idling in the Court."--"Sir,"
+replied the future Lord Chancellor, "I never come into the Court but I
+see you idling at the window."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WILLIAM MURRAY, EARL OF MANSFIELD, LORD CHIEF JUSTICE.]
+
+Mansfield was not credited with lively sensibility, but his humanity was
+shocked at the thought of killing a man for a trifling theft. Trying a
+prisoner at the Old Baily on the charge of stealing in a dwelling-house
+to the value of 40_s._--when this was a capital offence--he advised the
+jury to find a gold trinket, the subject of the indictment, to be of
+less value. The prosecutor exclaimed with indignation, "Under 40_s._, my
+lord! Why, the _fashion_ alone cost me more than double the sum."--"God
+forbid, gentlemen, we should hang a man for fashion's sake," observed
+Lord Mansfield to the jury.
+
+An indictment was tried before him at the Assizes, preferred by parish
+officers for keeping an hospital for lying-in women, whereby the parish
+was burdened by illegitimate children. He expressed doubts whether this
+was an indictable offence, and after hearing arguments in support of it
+he thus gave his judgment. "We sit here under a Commission requiring us
+to _deliver_ this gaol, and the statute has been cited to make it
+unlawful to _deliver_ a woman who is with child. Let the indictment be
+quashed."
+
+Having met at supper the famous Dr. Brocklesby, he entered into familiar
+conversation with him, and there was an interchange of stories just a
+little trenching on the decorous. It so happened that the doctor had to
+appear next morning before Lord Mansfield in the witness-box; and on the
+strength of the previous evening's doings the witness, on taking up his
+position, nodded to the Chief Justice with offensive familiarity as to a
+boon companion. His lordship taking no notice of his salutation, but
+writing down his evidence, when he came to summing it up to the jury
+thus proceeded: "The next witness is one Rocklesby or Brocklesby,
+Brocklesby or Rocklesby--I am not sure which--and first he swears he is
+a physician."
+
+Lord Chief Baron Parker, in his eighty-seventh year, having observed to
+Lord Mansfield who was seventy-eight: "Your lordship and myself are now
+at sevens and eights," the younger Chief Justice replied: "Would you
+have us to be all our lives at sixes and sevens? But let us talk of
+young ladies and not old age."
+
+Trying an action which arose from the collision of two ships at sea, a
+sailor who gave an account of the accident said, "At the time I was
+standing abaft the binnacle."--"Where is abaft the binnacle?" asked
+Lord Mansfield; upon which the witness, who had taken a large share of
+grog before coming into Court, exclaimed loud enough to be heard by all
+present: "A pretty fellow to be a judge, who don't know where abaft the
+binnacle is!" Lord Mansfield, instead of threatening to commit him for
+contempt, said: "Well, my friend, fit me for my office by telling me
+where _abaft the binnacle is_; you have already shown me the meaning of
+_half-seas over_."
+
+On one occasion Lord Mansfield covered his retreat from an untenable
+position with a sparkling pleasantry. An old witness named ELM having
+given his evidence with remarkable clearness, although he was more than
+eighty years of age, Lord Mansfield examined him as to his habitual mode
+of living, and found he had been through life an early riser and a
+singularly temperate man. "Ay," remarked the Chief Justice, in a tone of
+approval, "I have always found that without temperance and early habits
+longevity is never attained." The next witness, the elder brother of
+this model of temperance, was then called, and he almost surpassed his
+brother as an intelligent and clear-headed utterer of evidence. "I
+suppose," observed Lord Mansfield, "that you are an early riser?"--"No,
+my lord," answered the veteran stoutly; "I like my bed at all hours, and
+special-_lie_ I like it of a morning."--"Ah, but like your brother, you
+are a very temperate man?" quickly asked the judge, looking out
+anxiously for the safety of the more important part of his theory. "My
+lord," responded this ancient Elm, disdaining to plead guilty to a
+charge of habitual sobriety, "I am a very old man, and my memory is as
+clear as a bell, but I can't remember the night when I've gone to bed
+without being more or less drunk."--"Ah, my lord," Mr. Dunning
+exclaimed, "this old man's case supports a theory unheld by many
+persons--that habitual intemperance is favourable to longevity."--"No,
+no," replied the Chief Justice with a smile; "this old man and his
+brother merely teach us what every carpenter knows--that Elm, whether it
+be wet or dry, is a very tough wood."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: JOHN SCOTT, EARL OF ELDON, LORD CHANCELLOR.]
+
+Lord Eldon's good humour gained him the affection of all counsel who
+practised before him, but there is one story--apocryphal it may be,
+coming from Lord Campbell--of a prejudice he had against Lord Brougham,
+who, in Scottish cases, frequently appeared before him in the House of
+Lords. Lord Eldon persisted in addressing the advocate as Mr. Bruffam.
+This was too much for Brougham, who was rather proud of the form and
+antiquity of his name, and who at last, in exasperation, sent a note to
+the Chancellor, intimating that his name was pronounced "Broom." At the
+conclusion of the argument the Chancellor stated, "Every authority upon
+the question has been brought before us: new Brooms sweep clean."
+
+As Lord Chancellor, Lord Eldon's great foible was an apparent inability
+to arrive at an early decision on any question: it was really a desire
+to weigh carefully all sides of a question before expressing his
+opinion. This hesitancy was expressed in the formula "I doubt," which
+became the subject of frequent jests among the members of the Bar.
+
+Sir George Rose, in absence of the regular reporter of Lord Eldon's
+decisions, was requested to take a note of any decision which should be
+given. As a full record of all that was material, which had occurred
+during the day, Sir George made the following entry in the reporter's
+notebook:
+
+    "Mr. Leach made a speech,
+    Angry, neat, but wrong;
+    Mr. Hart, on the other part,
+    Was heavy, dull, and long;
+    Mr. Parker made the case darker,
+    Which was dark enough without;
+    Mr. Cooke cited his book;
+    And the Chancellor said--I doubt."
+
+This _jeu d'esprit_, flying about Westminster Hall, reached the
+Chancellor, who was very much amused with it, notwithstanding the
+allusion to his doubting propensity. Soon after, Sir George Rose having
+to argue before him a very untenable proposition, he gave his opinion
+very gravely, and with infinite grace and felicity thus concluded: "For
+these reasons the judgment must be against your clients; and here, Sir
+George, the Chancellor does not _doubt_."
+
+The following was Lord Eldon's answer to an application for a piece of
+preferment from his old friend Dr. Fisher, of the Charter House:
+
+"DEAR FISHER,--I cannot, to-day, give you the preferment for which you
+ask.--I remain, your sincere friend, ELDON." Then, on the other side, "I
+gave it to you yesterday."
+
+According to his biographer, Lord Eldon caused a loud laugh while the
+old Duke of Norfolk was fast asleep in the House of Lords, and amusing
+their lordships with "that tuneful nightingale, his nose," by announcing
+from the woolsack, with solemn emphasis, that the Commons had sent up a
+bill for "enclosing and dividing Great Snoring in the county of
+Norfolk!"
+
+Like Lord Thurlow, Lord Eldon was in close intimacy with George III in
+the days when his Majesty's mind was supposed to be not very strong. "I
+took down to Kew," relates his lordship, "some Bills for his assent, and
+I placed on a paper the titles and the effect of them. The king, being
+perhaps suspicious that my coming down might be to judge of his
+competence for public business, as I was reading over the titles of the
+different Acts of Parliament he interrupted me and said: 'You are not
+acting correctly, you should do one of two things; either bring me down
+the Acts for my perusal, or say, as Thurlow once said to me on a like
+occasion, having read several he stopped and said, "It is all d--d
+nonsense trying to make you understand them, and you had better consent
+to them at once."'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It is not often, but it sometimes happens that a judge finds himself in
+conflict with members of the public who are under no restraint of
+professional privilege or etiquette. Some maintain the dignity of the
+Court by fining and committing for contempt. Occasionally this may be
+necessary, but it has been found that delicate ridicule is often more
+effective. An attorney, pleading his cause before Lord Ellenborough,
+became exasperated because the untenable points he continually raised
+were invariably overruled, and exclaimed, "My lord, my lord, although
+your lordship is so great a man now, I remember the time when I could
+have got your opinion for five shillings." With an amused smile his
+lordship quietly observed, "Sir, I say it was not worth the money."
+
+The same judge used to be greatly annoyed during the season of colds
+with the noise of coughing in Court. On one occasion, when disturbances
+of this kind recurred with more than usual frequency, he was seen
+fidgeting about in his seat, and availing himself of a slight
+cessation observed in his usual emphatic manner: "Some slight
+interruption one _might_ tolerate, but there seems to be an _industry_
+of coughing."
+
+As an illustration of figurative oratory a good story is told of a
+barrister pleading before Lord Ellenborough: "My lord, I appear before
+you in the character of an advocate for the City of London; my lord, the
+City of London herself appears before you as a suppliant for justice. My
+lord, it is written in the book of nature."--"What book?" said Lord
+Ellenborough. "The book of nature."--"Name the page," said his lordship,
+holding his pen uplifted, as if to note the page down.
+
+Moore relates the story of a noble lord in the course of one of his
+speeches saying, "I ask myself so and so," and repeating the words "I
+ask myself." "Yes," quietly remarked Lord Ellenborough, "and a d--d
+foolish answer you'll get."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The comparison of a father and son who have both ascended the Bench has
+afforded a good story of a famous Scottish advocate which is told later,
+and the following is an equally cutting retort from the Bench to any
+assumed superiority through such a connection. A son of Lord Chief
+Justice Willes (who rose to the rank of a Puisne Judge) was checked one
+day for wandering from the subject. "I wish that you would remember,"
+he exclaimed, "that I am the son of a Chief Justice." To which Justice
+Gould replied with great simplicity, "Oh, we remember your father, but
+he was a sensible man."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When hanging was the sentence, on conviction, for crimes--in these days
+termed offences--which are now punished by imprisonment, some judges
+from meting out the sentence of death almost indiscriminately came to be
+known as "hanging judges." Justice Page was one of them. When he was
+decrepit he perpetrated a joke against himself. Coming out of the Court
+one day and shuffling along the street a friend stopped him to inquire
+after his health. "My dear sir," the judge replied, "you see I keep just
+hanging on--hanging on."
+
+A Chief Justice of the "hanging" period, whose integrity was not above
+suspicion, was sitting in Court one day at his ease and lolling on his
+elbow, when a convict from the dock hurled a stone at him which
+fortunately passed over his head. "You see," said the learned man as he
+smilingly received the congratulations of those present--"you see now,
+if I had been an _upright judge_ I had been slain."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LLOYD KENYON, BARON KENYON, LORD CHIEF JUSTICE.]
+
+Some of the stories respecting Lord Kenyon's historical allusions and
+quotations are surely greatly exaggerated, or are pure inventions. In
+addressing a jury in a blasphemy case, he is reported to have said that
+the Emperor Julian "was so celebrated for the practice of every
+Christian virtue that he was called 'Julian the Apostle'"; and to have
+concluded an elaborate address in dismissing a grand jury with the
+following valediction: "Having thus discharged your consciences,
+gentlemen, you may return to your homes in peace, with the delightful
+consciousness of having performed your duties well, and may lay your
+heads on your pillows, saying to yourselves 'Aut Cæsar, aut nullus.'"
+And this was his remark on detecting the trick of an attorney to delay a
+trial: "This is the last hair in the tail of procrastination, and it
+must be plucked out."
+
+Among other failings attributed to this Lord Chief Justice was the
+extreme penuriousness he practised in his domestic arrangements and his
+dress. His shoes were patched to such an extent that little of their
+original material could be seen, and once when trying a case he was
+sitting on the bench in a way to expose them to all in Court. It was an
+action for breach of contract to deliver shoes soundly made, and to
+clinch a witness for the pursuer he suddenly asked, "Were the shoes
+anything like these?" pointing to his own. "No, my lord," replied the
+witness, "they were a good deal better and more genteeler."
+
+As an example of his (Lord Kenyon's) style of addressing a condemned
+prisoner we have the following. A butler had been charged and convicted
+of stealing his master's wine.
+
+"Prisoner at the bar, you stand convicted on the most conclusive
+evidence of a crime of inexpressible atrocity--a crime that defiles the
+sacred springs of domestic confidence, and is calculated to strike alarm
+into the breast of every Englishman who invests largely in the choicer
+vintages of Southern Europe. Like the serpent of old, you have stung the
+hand of your protector. Fortunate in having a generous employer, you
+might without discovery have continued to supply your wretched wife and
+children with the comforts of sufficient prosperity, and even with some
+of the luxuries of affluence; but, dead to every claim of natural
+affection, and blind to your own real interest, you burst through all
+the restraints of religion and morality, and have for many years been
+_feathering_ your nest with your master's _bottles_."
+
+Lord Kenyon was warmly attached to George III, who had a high opinion of
+him; but like many of his lordship's contemporaries, his Majesty
+strongly deprecated the frequent outbursts of temper on the part of his
+Chief Justice. "At a levee, soon after an extraordinary explosion of
+ill-humour in the Court of King's Bench, his Majesty said to him: 'My
+Lord Chief Justice, I hear that you have lost your temper, and from my
+great regard for you, I am very glad to hear it, for I hope you will
+find a better one.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Of Lord Chief Justice Tenterden, Lord Campbell asserts that he once, and
+only once, uttered a pun. A learned gentleman, who had lectured on the
+law and was too much addicted to oratory came to argue a special
+demurrer before him. "My client's opponent," said the figurative
+advocate, "worked like a mole under ground, _clam et secretè_." His
+figures only elicited a grunt from the Chief Justice. "It is asserted in
+Aristotle's _Rhetoric_--."--"I don't want to hear what is asserted in
+Aristotle's _Rhetoric_," interposed Lord Tenterden. The advocate shifted
+his ground and took up, as he thought, a safe position. "It is laid down
+in the _Pandects_ of Justinian--." "Where are you got now?" "It is a
+principle of the civil law--." "Oh sir," exclaimed the judge, with a
+tone and voice which abundantly justified his assertion, "we have
+nothing to do with the _civil_ law in this Court."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Judges sometimes stray into humour without intending it. At an election
+petition trial one allegation was, that a number of rosettes, or "marks
+of distinction," had been kept in a table drawer in the central
+committee-room. To meet this charge it was thought desirable to call
+witnesses to swear that the only table in the room consisted of planks
+laid on trestles. "So that the table had no proper legs," said counsel
+cheerfully. "Never mind whether it had proper legs," said one of the
+learned judges. "The more important question is: Had it drawers?"
+
+And in _The Story of Crime_ the author recalls an instance of a judge
+unconsciously furnishing material for laughter in Court. "At the
+beginning of the session at the Old Baily a good deal of work is got
+through by the judge who takes the small cases, and it may be this fact
+that accounted for the confusion of thought which he describes. One of
+the prisoners was charged with stealing a camera, and after all the
+evidence had been taken his lordship proceeded to sum up to the jury. He
+began by correctly describing the stolen article as a camera, but had
+not gone very far before the camera had become a concertina, and by the
+time he had finished the concertina had become an accordion. And he
+never once saw his mistake. The usher noticed it at the first trip, and
+kept repeating in a kind of hoarse stage-whisper, 'Camera! Camera!' but
+his voice did not reach the Bench, and so the complicated article
+remained on record."
+
+Mr. Andrews in his book, _The Lawyer in History, Literature, and
+Humour_, relates that a leader of the Bar on rising to address the
+drowsy jury after a ponderous oration by Sir Samuel Prime, said:
+"Gentlemen, after the long speech of the learned serjeant--" "Sir, I
+beg your pardon," interrupted Mr. Justice Nares, "you might say--you
+might say--after the long soliloquy, for my brother Prime has been
+talking an hour to himself."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THOMAS ERSKINE, BARON ERSKINE, LORD CHANCELLOR.]
+
+Thomas, Lord Erskine was the youngest of three brothers, who were all
+distinguished men. The eldest was the well-known Earl of Buchan, one of
+the founders of the Society of Antiquaries of Scotland, whose
+eccentricities formed the subject of much gossip in the Scottish
+capital. To an English nobleman he declared: "My brothers Harry and Tom
+are certainly remarkable men, but they owe everything to me." Seeing a
+look of surprise upon his friend's face he added: "Yes, it is true; they
+owe everything to me. On my father's death they pressed me for an annual
+allowance. I knew this would have been their ruin, by relaxing their
+industry. So making a sacrifice of my inclinations to gratify them I
+refused to give them a farthing, and they have thriven ever
+since--_owing everything to me_."
+
+Henry, the second brother, was universally beloved and respected, and one
+of the most popular advocates at the Scottish Bar. He was twice
+Lord-Advocate for Scotland--on the second occasion under the Ministry of
+"All the Talents," when his younger brother was Lord Chancellor. He was
+famous in the Parliament House and outside of it for his witticisms, a
+selection of which will be given later.
+
+Thomas, who became Lord Chancellor, obtained an unique influence while
+practising at the Bar, and, like his older brother, he was a universal
+favourite. "Juries have declared," said Lord Brougham, "that they have
+felt it impossible to remove their looks from him when he had riveted,
+and as it were fascinated, them by his first glance. Then hear his
+voice, of surpassing sweetness, clear, flexible, strong, exquisitely
+fitted to strains of serious earnestness." Yet although he did not rely
+on wit, or humour, or sarcasm in addressing a jury, he could use them to
+effect in cross-examination. "You were born and bred in Manchester, I
+perceive," he said to a witness. "Yes."--"I knew it," said Erskine
+carelessly, "from the absurd tie of your neckcloth." The witness'
+presence of mind was gone, and he was made to unsay the greatest part of
+his evidence in chief. Another witness confounding 'thick' whalebone
+with 'long' whalebone, and unable to distinguish the difference after
+counsel's explanation, Erskine exclaimed, "Why, man, you do not seem to
+know the difference between what is _thick_ or what is _long_! Now I
+tell you the difference. You are _thick_-headed, and you are not
+_long_-headed."
+
+Lord Erskine's addiction to punning is well known, and many examples
+might be cited. An action was brought against a stable-keeper for not
+taking proper care of a horse. "The horse," said counsel for the
+plaintiff, "was turned into the stable, with nothing to eat but musty
+hay. To such the horse 'demurred.'"--"He should have 'gone to the
+country,'" at once retorted Lord Erskine. For the general reader it
+should be explained that "demurring" and "going to the country" are
+technical terms for requiring a cause to be decided on a question of law
+by the judge, or on a question of fact by the jury. Here is another. A
+low-class attorney who was much employed in bail-business and moving
+attachments against the sheriff for not "bringing in the body"--that is,
+not arresting and imprisoning a debtor, when such was the law--sold his
+house in Lincoln's Inn Fields to the Corporation, of Surgeons to be used
+as their Hall. "I suppose it was recommended to them," said Erskine,
+"from the attorney being so well acquainted 'with the practice of
+bringing in the body!'"
+
+Perhaps one of his smartest puns he relates himself. "A case being laid
+before me by my veteran friend, the Duke of Queensberry--better known as
+'old Q'--as to whether he could sue a tradesman for breach of contract
+about the painting of his house; and the evidence being totally
+insufficient to support the case, I wrote thus: 'I am of opinion that
+this action will not lie unless the witnesses do.'"
+
+He was also fond of a practical joke. In answer to a circular letter
+from Sir John Sinclair, proposing that a testimonial should be presented
+to himself for his eminent public services, Lord Erskine replied:
+
+     "MY DEAR SIR JOHN,--I am certain there are few in this kingdom
+     who set a higher value on your public services than myself;
+     and I have the honour to subscribe"--then, on turning over the
+     leaf, was to be found--"myself, your most obedient faithful
+     servant,
+
+     "ERSKINE."
+
+"Gentlemen of the jury," were his closing words after an impassioned
+address, "the reputation of a cheesemonger in the City of London is like
+the bloom upon a peach. Breathe upon it, and it is gone for ever."
+
+Among many apocryphal stories told of expedients by which smart counsel
+have gained verdicts, this one respecting a case in which Mr. Justice
+Gould was the judge and Erskine counsel for the defendant is least
+likely of credit. The judge entertained a most unfavourable opinion of
+the defendant's case, but being very old was scarcely audible, and
+certainly unintelligible, to the jury. While he was summing up the case,
+Erskine, sitting on the King's Counsel Bench, and full in the view of
+the jury, nodded assent to the various remarks which fell from the
+judge; and the jury, imagining that they had been directed to find for
+the defendant, immediately did so.
+
+When at the Bar, Erskine was always encouraged by the appreciation of
+his brother barristers. On one occasion, when making an unusual exertion
+on behalf of a client, he turned to Mr. Garrow, who was his colleague,
+and not perceiving any sign of approbation on his countenance, he
+whispered to him, "Who do you think can get on with that d--d wet
+blanket face of yours before him."
+
+Nor did he always exhibit graciousness to older members. One nervous old
+barrister named Lamb, who usually prefaced his pleadings with an
+apology, said to Erskine one day that he felt more timid as he grew
+older. "No wonder," replied Erskine, "the older the lamb the more
+sheepish he grows."
+
+When he was Lord Chancellor he was invited to attend the ministerial
+fish dinner at Greenwich--known in later years as the Whitebait
+Dinner--he replied: "To be sure I will attend. What would your fish
+dinner be without the Great Seal?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When a stupid jury returns an obviously wrong verdict the judge must
+feel himself in an awkward position; but in such cases--if they ever
+occur now--a good precedent has been set by Mr. Justice Maule who, when
+in that predicament, addressed the prisoner in these terms:
+
+"Prisoner, your counsel thinks you innocent, the prosecution thinks you
+innocent, and I think you innocent. But a jury of your own
+fellow-countrymen, in the exercise of such common sense as they possess,
+have found you guilty, and it remains that I should pass sentence upon
+you. You will be imprisoned for one day, and as that day was yesterday,
+you are free to go about your business."
+
+"May God strike me dead! my lord, if I did it," excitedly exclaimed a
+prisoner who had been tried before the same justice for a serious
+offence, and a verdict of "guilty" returned by the jury. The judge
+looked grave, and paused an unusually long time before saying a word. At
+last, amid breathless silence, he began: "As Providence has not seen fit
+to interpose in your case, it now becomes my duty to pronounce upon you
+the sentence of the law," &c. When somewhat excited over a very bad case
+tried before him he would delay sentence until he felt calmer, lest his
+impulse or his temper should lead him astray. On one such occasion he
+exclaimed, "I can't pass sentence now. I might be too severe. I feel as
+if I could give the man five-and-twenty years' penal servitude. Bring
+him up to-morrow when I feel calmer."--"Thank you, my lord," said the
+prisoner, "I know you will think better of it in the morning." Next
+day the man appeared in the dock for sentence. "Prisoner," said the
+judge, "I was angry yesterday, but I am calm to-day. I have spent a
+night thinking of your awful deeds, and I find on inquiry I can sentence
+you to penal servitude for life. I therefore pass upon you that
+sentence. I have thought better of what I was inclined to do yesterday."
+
+There are instances of brief summing up of a case by judges, but few in
+the terms expressed by this worthy judge. "If you believe the witnesses
+for the plaintiff, you will find for the defendant; if you believe the
+witnesses for the defendant, you will find for the plaintiff. If, like
+myself, you don't believe any of them, Heaven knows which way you will
+find. Consider your verdict."
+
+To Mr. Justice Maule a witness said: "You may believe me or not, but I
+have stated not a word that is false, for I have been wedded to truth
+from my infancy."--"Yes, sir," said the judge dryly; "but the question
+is, _how long have you been a widower?_"
+
+In the good old days a learned counsel of ferocious mien and loud voice,
+practising before him, received a fine rebuke from the justice. No reply
+could be got from an elderly lady in the box, and the counsel appealed
+to the judge. "I really cannot answer," said the trembling lady. "Why
+not, ma'am?" asked the judge. "Because, my lord, he frightens me
+so."--"So he does me, ma'am," replied the judge.
+
+He was as a rule patient and forbearing, and seldom interfered with
+counsel in their mode of laying cases before a jury or the Bench, but
+once he was fairly provoked to do so, by the confused blundering way in
+which one of them was trying to instil a notion of what he meant into
+the minds of the jury. "I am sorry to interfere, Mr. ----," said the
+judge, "but do you not think that, by introducing a little order into
+your narrative, you might possibly render yourself a trifle more
+intelligible? It may be my fault that I cannot follow you--I know that
+my brain is getting old and dilapidated; but I should like to stipulate
+for some sort of order. There are plenty of them. There is the
+chronological, the botanical, the metaphysical, the geographical--even
+the alphabetical order would be better than no order at all."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Baron Thomson, of the Court of Exchequer, was asked how he got on in his
+Court with the business, when he sat between Chief Baron Macdonald and
+Baron Graham. He replied, "What between snuff-box on one side, and
+chatterbox on the other, we get on pretty well!"
+
+Sir Richard Bethel, Lord Westbury, and Lord Campbell were on very
+friendly terms. An amusing story is told of a meeting of the two in
+Westminster Hall, when the first rumour of Lord Campbell's appointment
+as Lord Chancellor was current. The day being cold for the time of the
+year, Lord Campbell had gone down to the House of Lords in a fur coat,
+and Bethel, observing this, pretended not to recognise him. Thereupon
+Campbell came up to him and said: "Mr. Attorney, don't you know me?"--"I
+beg your pardon, my lord," was the reply. "I mistook you for the _Great
+Seal_."
+
+[Illustration: RICHARD BETHEL, BARON WESTBURY, LORD CHANCELLOR.]
+
+Lord Cranworth, Vice-Chancellor, after hearing Sir Richard Bethel's
+argument in an appeal, said he "would turn the matter over in his mind."
+Sir Richard turning to his junior with his usual bland calm utterance
+said: "Take a note of that; his honour says he will turn it over in what
+he is pleased to call his mind."
+
+Sir James Scarlett, Lord Abinger, had to examine a witness whose
+evidence would be somewhat dangerous unless he was thrown off his guard
+and "rattled." The witness in question--an influential man, whose
+vulnerable point was said to be his self-esteem--was ushered into the
+box, a portly overdressed person, beaming with self-assurance. Looking
+him over for a few minutes without saying a word Sir James opened fire:
+"Mr. Tompkins, I believe?"--"Yes."--"You are a stockbroker, I believe,
+are you not?"--"I ham." Pausing for a few seconds and making an
+attentive survey of him, Sir James remarked sententiously, "And a very
+fine and well-dressed ham you are, sir."
+
+In a breach of promise case Scarlett appeared for the defendant, who was
+supposed to have been cajoled into the engagement by the plaintiff's
+mother, a titled lady. The mother, as a witness, completely baffled the
+defendant's clever counsel when under his cross-examination; but by one
+of his happiest strokes of advocacy, Scarlett turned his failure into
+success. "You saw, gentlemen of the jury, that I was but a child in her
+hands. _What must my client have been?_"
+
+Sir James was a noted cross-examiner and verdict-getter, but on one
+occasion he was beaten. Tom Cooke, a well-known actor and musician in
+his day, was a witness in a case in which Sir James had him under
+cross-examination.
+
+Scarlett: "Sir, you say that the two melodies are the same, but
+different; now what do you mean by that, sir?"
+
+Cooke: "I said that the notes in the two copies are alike, but with a
+different accent."
+
+Scarlett: "What is a musical accent?"
+
+Cooke: "My terms are nine guineas a quarter, sir."
+
+Scarlett (ruffled): "Never mind your terms here. I ask you what is a
+musical accent? Can you see it?"
+
+Cooke: "No."
+
+Scarlett: "Can you feel it?"
+
+Cooke: "A musician can."
+
+Scarlett (angrily): "Now, sir, don't beat about the bush, but explain to
+his lordship and the jury, who are expected to know nothing about music,
+the meaning of what you call accent."
+
+Cooke: "Accent in music is a certain stress laid upon a particular note,
+in the same manner as you would lay stress upon a given word, for the
+purpose of being better understood. For instance, if I were to say, 'You
+are an _ass_,' it rests on ass, but if I were to say, '_You_ are an
+ass,' it rests on you, Sir James." The judge, with as much gravity as he
+could assume, then asked the crestfallen counsel, "Are you satisfied,
+Sir James."--"The witness may go down," was the counsel's reply.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Lord Justice Holt, when a young man, was very dissipated, and belonged
+to a club, most of whose members took an infamous course of life. When
+his lordship was engaged at the Old Baily a man was convicted of highway
+robbery, whom the judge remembered to have been one of his early
+companions. Moved by curiosity, Holt, thinking the man did not recognise
+him, asked what had become of his old associates. The culprit making a
+low bow, and giving a deep sigh, replied, "Oh, my lord, they are all
+hanged but your lordship and I."
+
+We have already given examples of personalities in the retorts of
+counsel upon members of the Bench, and if the same derogatory reflection
+can be traced in the two following anecdotes of judges' retorts on
+counsel, it is at least veiled in finer sarcasm. A nervous young
+barrister was conducting a first case before Vice-Chancellor Bacon, and
+on rising to make his opening remarks began in a faint voice: "My lord,
+I must apologise--er--I must apologise, my lord"--"Go on, sir," said his
+lordship blandly; "so far the Court is with you." The other comes from
+an Australian Court. Counsel was addressing Chief Justice Holroyd when a
+portion of the plaster of the Court ceiling fell, and he stopping his
+speech for the moment, incautiously advanced the suggestion, "Dry rot
+has probably been the cause of that, my lord."--"I am quite of your
+opinion, Mr. ----," observed his lordship.
+
+On the other hand, judges can be severely personal at times, and Lord
+Justice Chitty was almost brutal in a case where counsel had been
+arguing to distraction on a bill of sale. "I will now proceed to address
+myself to the furniture--an item covered by the bill," counsel
+continued. "You have been doing nothing else for the last hour,"
+lamented the weary judge.
+
+And Mr. Justice Wills once made a rather cutting remark to a barrister.
+The barrister was, in the judge's private opinion, simply wasting the
+time of the Court, and, in the course of a long-winded speech, he dwelt
+at quite unnecessary length on the appearance of certain bags connected
+with the case. "They might," he went on pompously, "they might have been
+full bags, or they might have been half-filled bags, or they might even
+have been empty bags, or--."--"Or perhaps," dryly interpolated the
+judge, "they might have been wind-bags!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HENRY BROUGHAM, BARON BROUGHAM AND VAUX, LORD
+CHANCELLOR.]
+
+When Lord Brougham attained the position of Lord Chancellor he was
+greatly addicted to the habit of writing during the course of counsel's
+argument of the case being heard before him. On one occasion this
+practice so annoyed Sir Edward Sugden, whenever he noticed it, that he
+paused in the course of his argument, expecting his lordship to stop
+writing; but the Chancellor, without even looking up, remarked, "Go on,
+Sir Edward; I am listening to you."--"I observe that your lordship is
+engaged in writing, and not favouring me with your attention," replied
+Sir Edward. "I am signing papers of mere form," warmly retorted the
+Chancellor. "You may as well say that I am not to blow my nose or take
+snuff while you speak."
+
+When counsel at the Bar, a witness named John Labron was thus
+cross-examined by Brougham at York Assizes:
+
+"What are you?"
+
+"I am a farmer, and malt a little."
+
+"Do you know Dick Strother?"
+
+"No."
+
+"Upon your oath, sir, are you not generally known by the name of Dick
+Strother?"
+
+"That has nothing to do with this business."
+
+"I insist upon hearing an answer. Have you not obtained that name?"
+
+"I am sometimes called so."
+
+"Now, Dick, as you admit you are so called, do you know the story of the
+hare and the ball of wax?"
+
+"I have heard it."
+
+"Then pray have the goodness to relate it to the judge and the jury."
+
+"I do not exactly remember it."
+
+"Then I will refresh your memory by relating it myself. Dick Strother
+was a cobbler, and being in want of a hare for a friend, he put in his
+pocket a ball of wax and took a walk into the fields, where he soon
+espied one. Dick then very dexterously threw the ball of wax at her
+head, where it stuck, which so alarmed poor puss that in the violence of
+her haste she ran in contact with the head of another; both stuck fast
+together, and Dick, lucky Dick! caught both. Dick obtained great
+celebrity by telling this wondrous feat, which he always affirmed as a
+truth, and from that every notorious liar in Thorner bears the title
+of Dick Strother. Now, Dick--I mean John--is not that the reason why you
+are called Dick Strother?"
+
+"It may be so."
+
+"Then you may go."
+
+The same turbulent spirit (Lord Brougham) fell foul of many other law
+lords. It is well known that in a speech made at the Temple he accused
+Lord Campbell, who had just published his _Lives of the Chancellors_, of
+adding a new terror to death. Lord Campbell tells an amusing story which
+shows that he could retort with effect upon his noble and learned
+friend. He says that he called one morning upon Brougham at his house in
+Grafton Street, who "soon rushed in very eagerly, but suddenly stopped
+short, exclaiming, 'Lord bless me, is it you? They told me it was
+Stanley'; and notwithstanding his accustomed frank and courteous manner,
+I had some difficulty in fixing his attention. In the evening I stepped
+across the House to the Opposition Bench, where Brougham and Stanley
+were sitting next each other, and, addressing the latter in the hearing
+of the former, I said, 'Has our noble and learned friend told you the
+disappointment he suffered this morning? He thought he had a visit from
+the Leader of the Protectionists to offer him the Great Seal, and it
+turned out to be only Campbell come to bore him about a point of Scotch
+law.' _Brougham_: 'Don't mind what Jack Campbell says; he has a
+prescriptive privilege to tell lies of all Chancellors, dead and
+living.'"
+
+According to the same authority, Brougham was at one time very anxious
+to be made an earl, but his desire was entirely quenched when Lord John
+Russell gave an earldom to Lord Chancellor Cottenham. He is said to have
+been so indignant that he either wrote or dictated a pamphlet in which
+the new creation was ridiculed, and to which was appended the
+significant motto, "The offence is rank."
+
+The common feeling with regard to Sir James Scarlett's (Lord Abinger)
+success in gaining verdicts led to the composition of the following
+pleasantry, attributed to Lord Campbell. "Whereas Scarlett had contrived
+a machine, by using which, while he argued, he could make the judges'
+heads nod with pleasure, Brougham in course of time got hold of it; but
+not knowing how to manage it when he argued, the judges, instead of
+nodding, shook their heads."
+
+And it is Lord Campbell who has preserved the following specimen of a
+judge's concluding remarks to a prisoner convicted of uttering a forged
+one-pound note. After having pointed out to him the enormity of the
+offence, and exhorted him to prepare for another world, added: "And I
+trust that through the merits and the mediation of our Blessed Redeemer,
+you may there experience that mercy which a due regard to the _credit
+of the paper currency_ of the country forbids you to hope for here."
+
+Campbell married Miss Scarlett, a daughter of Lord Abinger, and was
+absent from Court when a case in which he was to appear was called
+before Mr. Justice Abbot. "I thought, Mr. Brougham," said his lordship,
+"that Mr. Campbell was in this case?"--"Yes, my lord," replied Mr.
+Brougham, with that sarcastic look peculiarly his own. "He was, my lord,
+but I understand he is ill."--"I am sorry to hear that, Mr. Brougham,"
+said the judge. "My lord," replied Mr. Brougham, "it is whispered here
+that the cause of my learned friend's absence is scarlet fever."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: JOHN CAMPBELL, BARON CAMPBELL, LORD CHANCELLOR.]
+
+In his native town of Cupar, Fife, Lord Chancellor Campbell's abilities
+and position were not so much appreciated as they were elsewhere. This
+was a sore point with his father, who was parish minister, and when the
+son was not selected by the town authorities to conduct their legal
+business in London the future Lord Chancellor also felt affronted. On
+the publication of the _Lives of the Chancellors_ some of his townsmen
+wrote asking him to present a copy to the local library of his native
+town, which gave Campbell an opportunity to square accounts with them
+for their past neglect of him, for he curtly replied to their request
+that "they could purchase the book from any bookseller." An old lady of
+the town relating some gossip about the Campbell family said, "They
+meant John for the Church, but he went to London _and got on very
+well_." Such was the good lady's idea of the relative positions of
+minister of a Scottish parish and Lord Chancellor of England.
+
+The difference in the pronunciation of a word led to an amiable contest
+between Lord Campbell and a learned Q.C. In an action to recover damages
+to a carriage the counsel called the vehicle a "brougham," pronouncing
+both syllables of the word. Lord Campbell pompously observed, "Broom is
+the usual pronunciation--a carriage of the kind you mean is not
+incorrectly called a 'Broom'--that pronunciation is open to no grave
+objection, and it has the advantage of saving the time consumed by
+uttering an extra syllable." Later in the trial Lord Campbell alluding
+to a similar case referred to the carriage which had been injured as an
+"Omnibus."--"Pardon me, my lord," interposed the Q.C., "a carriage of
+the kind to which you draw attention is usually termed a 'bus'; that
+pronunciation is open to no grave objection, and it has the great
+advantage of saving the time consumed by uttering _two_ extra
+syllables."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SIR SAMUEL MARTIN, BARON OF EXCHEQUER.]
+
+Mr. Martin (afterwards Baron Martin), when at the Bar, was addressing
+the Court in an insurance case, when he was interrupted by Baron
+Alderson, who said, "Mr. Martin, do you think any office would insure
+your life?"--"Certainly, my lord," replied Mr. Martin, "mine is a very
+good life."--"You should remember, Mr. Martin, that yours is brief
+existence."
+
+This judge's reason for releasing a juryman from duty was equally smart.
+The juryman in question confessed that he was deaf in one ear. "Then
+leave the box before the trial begins," observed his lordship; "it is
+necessary that the jurymen should hear _both_ sides."
+
+Baron Martin was one of the good-natured judges who from the following
+story seem to stretch that amiable quality to its fullest extent. In
+sentencing a man convicted of a petty theft he said: "Look, I hardly
+know what to do with you, but you can take six months."--"I can't take
+that, my lord," said the prisoner; "it's too much. I can't take it; your
+lordship sees I did not steal very much after all." The Baron indulged
+in one of his characteristic chuckling laughs, and said: "Well that's
+vera true; ye didn't steal _much_. Well then, ye can tak' _four_. Will
+that do--four months?"--"No, my lord, but I can't take that
+neither."--"Then take _three_."--"That's nearer the mark, my lord,"
+replied the prisoner, "but I'd rather you'd make it _two_, if you'll be
+so kind."--"Very well then, tak' two," said the judge; "and don't come
+again. If you do, I'll give you--well, it'll all depend."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FREDERICK THESIGER, BARON CHELMSFORD, LORD CHANCELLOR.]
+
+Lord Erskine's punning upon legal terms has already been noticed, but no
+better quip is recorded than that of Lord Chelmsford, when as Sir
+Frederick Thesiger, and a leader at the Bar, he took exception to the
+irregular examination of a witness by a learned serjeant. "I have a
+right," maintained the serjeant, "to deal with my witness as I
+please."--"To that I offer no objection," retorted Sir Frederick. "You
+may _deal_ as you like, but you shan't _lead_."
+
+On all occasions Samuel Warren, the author of _Ten Thousand a Year_, was
+given to boasting, at the Bar mess, of his intimacy with members of the
+peerage. One day he was saying that, while dining lately at the Duke of
+Leeds, he was surprised at finding no fish of any kind was served. "That
+is easily accounted for," said Thesiger; "they had probably eaten it all
+_upstairs_."
+
+Walking down St. James's Street one day, Lord Chelmsford was accosted by
+a stranger, who exclaimed, "Mr. Birch, I believe."--"If you believe
+that, sir, you'll believe anything," replied his lordship as he passed
+on.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SIR ALEXANDER COCKBURN, BART., LORD CHIEF JUSTICE.]
+
+In the recently published _Cockburn Family Records_ the following is
+told of the Chief Justice's ready wit:
+
+"At a certain trial an extremely pretty girl was called as a witness.
+The Lord Chief Justice was very particular about her giving her full
+name and address. Of course he took note. So did the sheriff's officer!
+That evening they both arrived at the young lady's door simultaneously,
+whereupon Sir Alexander tapped the officer on the shoulder, remarking,
+'No, no, no, Mr. Sheriff's Officer, judgment first, execution
+afterwards!'"
+
+There never was a barrister whose rise at the Bar was more rapid or
+remarkable than that of Sir Alexander Cockburn, and along with him was
+his friend and close associate as a brother lawyer of the Crown and
+Bencher of the same Inn, Sir Richard Bethel, who became Lord Chancellor
+a few years after Sir Alexander was made Chief Justice. Sir Richard once
+said to his colleague, "My dear fellow, equity will swallow up your
+common law."--"I don't know about that," said Sir Alexander, "but you'll
+find it rather hard of digestion."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Although the wit of Lord Justice Knight Bruce was somewhat sarcastic it
+was rarely so severe as that of Lord Westbury. There was always a tone
+of good humour about it. He had indeed a kind of grave judicial waggery,
+which is well exemplified in the following judgment in a separation suit
+between an attorney and his wife. "The Court has been now for several
+days occupied in the matrimonial quarrels of a solicitor and his wife.
+He was a man not unaccustomed to the ways of the softer sex, for he
+already had nine children by three successive wives. She,
+however--herself a widow--was well informed of these antecedents; and it
+appears did not consider them any objection to their union; and they
+were married. No sooner were they united, however, than they were
+unhappily disunited by unhappy disputes as to her property. These
+disputes disturbed even the period usually dedicated to the softer
+delights of matrimony, and the honeymoon was occupied by endeavours to
+induce her to exercise a testamentary power of appointment in his
+favour. She, however, refused, and so we find that in due course, at the
+end of the month, he brought home with some disgust his still intestate
+bride. The disputes continued, until at last they exchanged the
+irregular quarrels of domestic strife for the more disciplined warfare
+of Lincoln's Inn and Doctors Commons."
+
+Of this judge the story is told that a Chancery counsel in a long and
+dry argument quoted the legal maxim--_expressio unius est exclusio
+alterius_--pronouncing the "i" in _unius_ as short as possible. This
+roused his lordship from the drowsiness into which he had been lulled.
+"Unyus! Mr. ----? We always pronounced that _unius_ at school."--"Oh
+yes, my lord," replied the counsel; "but some of the poets use it short
+for the sake of the metre."--"You forget, Mr. ----," rejoined the
+judge, "that we are prosing here."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. Justice Willes was a judge of kindly disposition, and when he had to
+convey a rebuke he did so in some delicate and refined way like this. A
+young barrister feeling in a hobble, wished to get out of it by saying,
+"I throw myself on your lordship's hands."--"Mr. ----, I decline the
+burden," replied the learned judge.
+
+One day in judge's chambers, after being pressed by counsel very
+strongly against his own views, he said with quaint humour: "I'm one of
+the most obstinate men in the world."--"God forbid that I should be so
+rude as to contradict your lordship," replied the counsel.
+
+Mr. Montague Williams in his _Leaves of a Life_ relates the following
+story of Mr. Justice Byles. He was once hearing a case in which a woman
+was charged with causing the death of her child by not giving it proper
+food, or treating it with the necessary care. Mr. F----, of the Western
+Circuit, conducted the defence, and while addressing the jury said:
+
+"Gentlemen, it appears to be impossible that the prisoner can have
+committed this crime. A mother guilty of such conduct to her own child?
+Why, it is repugnant to our better feelings"; and then being carried
+away by his own eloquence, he proceeded: "Gentlemen, the beasts of the
+field, the birds of the air, suckle their young, and----"
+
+But at this point the learned judge interrupted him, and said:
+
+"Mr. F----, if you establish the latter part of your proposition, your
+client will be acquitted to a certainty."
+
+And to the same authority we are indebted for a judge's gentle but
+sarcastic reproof of a prosing counsel. In an action for false
+imprisonment, heard before Mr. Justice Wightman, Ribton was addressing
+the jury at great length, repeating himself constantly, and never giving
+the slightest sign of winding up. When he had been pounding away for
+several hours, the good old judge interposed, and said: "Mr. Ribton,
+you've said that before."--"Have I, my lord?" said Ribton; "I'm very
+sorry. I quite forgot it."--"Don't apologise, Mr. Ribton," was the
+answer. "I forgive you; for it was a very long time ago."
+
+A very old story is told of a highwayman who sent for a solicitor and
+inquired what steps were necessary to be taken to have his trial
+deferred. The solicitor answered that he would require to get a doctor's
+affidavit of his illness. This was accordingly done in the following
+manner: "The deponent verily believes that if the said ---- is obliged
+to take his trial at the ensuing sessions, he will be in imminent danger
+of his life."--"I verily believe so too," replied the judge, and the
+trial proceeded immediately.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Some judges profess ignorance of slang terms used in evidence, and seek
+explanation from counsel. Lord Coleridge in the following story had his
+inquiry not only answered but illustrated. A witness was describing an
+animated conversation between the pursuer and defendant in a case and
+said: "Then the defendant turned and said, 'If 'e didn't 'owld 'is noise
+'ed knock 'im off 'is peark.'"--"Peark? Mr. Shee, what is meant by
+peark?" asked the Lord Chief Justice. "Oh, peark, my lord, is any
+position when a man elevates himself above his fellows--for instance, a
+bench, my lord."
+
+Another story illustrating this alleged ignorance of every-day terms
+used by the masses comes from the Scottish Court of Session. In this
+instance the explanation was volunteered by the witness who used the
+term. One of the counsel in the case was Mr. (now Lord) Dewar, who was
+cross-examining the witness on a certain incident, and drew from him the
+statement that he (the witness) had just had a "nip." "A nip," said the
+judge; "what is a nip?"--"Only a small Dewar, my lord," explained the
+witness.
+
+Lord Russell of Killowen, himself a Lord Chief Justice, tells some
+amusing stories of Lord Coleridge in his interesting reminiscences of
+that great judge in the _North American Review_. When at the Bar he was
+counsel in a remarkable case--Saurin against Starr. The pursuer, an
+Irish lady, sued the Superior of a religious order at Hull for expulsion
+without reasonable cause. Mr. Coleridge cross-examined a Mrs. Kennedy,
+one of the superintendents of the convent, who had mentioned in her
+evidence, among other peccadilloes of the pursuer, that she had been
+found in the pantry eating strawberries, when she should have been
+attending some class duties.
+
+Mr. Coleridge: "Eating strawberries, really!"
+
+Mrs. Kennedy: "Yes, sir, she was eating strawberries."
+
+Mr. Coleridge: "How shocking!"
+
+Mrs. Kennedy: "It was forbidden, sir."
+
+Mr. Coleridge: "And did you, Mrs. Kennedy, really consider there was any
+great harm in that?"
+
+Mrs. Kennedy: "No, sir, not in itself, any more than there was harm in
+eating an apple; but you know, sir, the mischief that came from that."
+
+When as Lord Chief Justice, Lord Coleridge visited the United States, he
+was continually pestered by interviewers, and one of them failing to
+draw him, began to disparage the old country in its physical features
+and its men. Lord Coleridge bore it all in good part; finally the
+interviewer said, "I am told, my lord, you think a great deal of your
+great fire of London. Well, I guess, that the conflagration we had in
+the little village of Chicago made your great fire look very small." To
+which his lordship blandly responded: "Sir, I have every reason to
+believe that the great fire of London was quite as great as the people
+of that time desired."
+
+There are few of Lord Bowen's witticisms from the Bench in circulation,
+but his after-dinner stories are worth recording, and perhaps one of the
+best is that given in _Anecdotes of the Bench and Bar_, as told by
+himself in the following words: "One of the ancient rabbinical writers
+was engaged in compiling a history of the minor prophets, and in due
+course it became his duty to record the history of the prophet Daniel.
+In speaking of the most striking incident in the great man's career--I
+refer to his critical position in the den of lions--he made a remark
+which has always seemed to me replete with judgment and observation. He
+said that the prophet, notwithstanding the trying circumstances in which
+he was placed, had one consolation which has sometimes been forgotten.
+He had the consolation of knowing that when the dreadful banquet was
+over, at any rate it was not he who would be called upon to return
+thanks."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The following story cannot be classed a witticism from the Bench, but
+the judge clearly gave the opening for the lady's smart retort.
+
+Mrs. Weldon, a well-known lady litigant in the Courts a generation ago,
+was on one occasion endeavouring in the Court of Appeal to upset a
+judgment of Vice-Chancellor Bacon, and one ground of complaint was that
+the judge was too old to understand her case. Thereupon Lord Esher said:
+"The last time you were here you complained that your case had been
+tried by my brother Bowen, and you said he was only a bit of a boy, and
+could not do you justice. Now you come here and say that my brother
+Bacon was too old. What age do you want the judge to be?"--"Your age,"
+promptly replied Mrs. Weldon, fixing her bright eyes on the handsome
+countenance of the Master of the Rolls.
+
+On Charles Phillips, who became a judge of the Insolvent Court, noticing
+a witness kiss his thumb instead of the Testament, after rebuking him
+said, "You may think to _desave_ God, sir, but you won't desave me."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SIR HENRY HAWKINS, LORD BRAMPTON.]
+
+That racy and turf-attending judge, Lord Brampton, better known as Sir
+Henry Hawkins, tells many good stories of himself in his
+_Reminiscences_, but it is the unconscious humorist of Marylebone Police
+Court who records this _bon mot_ of Sir Henry.
+
+An old woman in the witness-box had been rattling on in the most voluble
+manner, until it was impossible to make head or tail of her evidence.
+Mr. Justice Hawkins, thinking he would try his hand, began with a
+soothing question, but the old woman would not have it at any price. She
+replied testily, "It's no use you bothering me. I have told you all I
+know."--"That may be," replied his lordship, "but the question rather
+is, do you know all you have told us?"
+
+When Sir Henry (then Mr.) Hawkins was prosecuting counsel in the
+Tichborne trial, over which Lord Chief Justice Cockburn presided, an
+amusing incident is recorded by Mr. Plowden. The antecedents of a man
+who had given sensational evidence for the claimant were being inquired
+into, and in answer to Sir Henry the witness under examination said he
+knew the man to be married, but his wife passed under another name.
+"What name?" asked Mr. Hawkins. "Mrs. Hawkins," replied the witness.
+"What was her maiden name?" added Mr. Hawkins. "Cockburn." Such a
+coincident of names naturally caused hearty and prolonged laughter.
+
+In the course of this celebrated trial another amusing incident occurred
+which Sir Henry used to tell against himself. One morning as the
+claimant came into Court, a lady dressed in deep mourning presented
+Orton with a tract. After a few minutes he wrote something on it, and
+had it passed on to the prosecuting counsel. The tract was boldly headed
+in black type, "Sinner--Repent," and the claimant had written upon it,
+"Surely this must have been meant for Hawkins."
+
+Not long after he had ascended the Bench Mr. Justice Hawkins was hearing
+a case in which a man was being tried for murder. The counsel for the
+prosecution observed the prisoner say something earnestly to the
+policeman seated by his side in the dock, and asked that the constable
+should be made to disclose what had passed. "Yes," said his lordship, "I
+think you may demand that. Constable, inform the Court what passed
+between you and the prisoner."--"I--I would rather not, your lordship. I
+was--."--"Never mind what you would rather not do. Inform the Court what
+the prisoner said."--"He asked me, your lordship, who that hoary heathen
+with the sheepskin was, as he had often seen him at the
+race-course."--"That will do," said his lordship. "Proceed with the
+case."
+
+An action for damages against a fire insurance company, brought by some
+Jews, was heard before Chief Justice Cockburn, which clearly was a
+fraudulent claim. The plaintiffs claimed for loss of ready-made clothes
+in the fire. Hawkins, who appeared for the defendant company, elicited
+the fact that ready-made clothes in this firm had all brass buttons as a
+rule; and, further, that after sifting the debris of the fire no buttons
+had been found. The trial was not concluded on that day, but on the
+following morning hundreds of buttons partially burnt were brought into
+Court by the Jew plaintiffs. Cockburn was not long in appreciating this
+mode of furnishing evidence after its necessity had been pointed out,
+and he asked: "How do you account for these buttons, Mr. Hawkins? You
+said none were found."--"Up to last night none had been found," replied
+Hawkins. "But," said the Chief Justice--"but these buttons have
+evidently been burnt in the fire. How do they come here?"--"_On their
+own shanks_," was Hawkins' smart and ready reply. Verdict for
+defendants.
+
+The alibi has come in for its fair share of jests. Sir Henry Hawkins
+relates in his _Reminiscences_ how he once found the following in his
+brief: "If the case is called on before 3.15, the defence is left to the
+ingenuity of the counsel; if after that hour, the defence is an alibi,
+as by then the usual alibi witnesses will have returned from Norwich,
+where they are at present professionally engaged."
+
+Sitting as a vacation judge, Sir Walter Phillimore, whose views on the
+law of divorce are well known, protested against being called on to make
+absolute a number of decrees _nisi_ granted in the Divorce Division.
+This fact is said to have called forth a witty pronouncement by a late
+president of that Division of the Courts. "Here is my brother
+Phillimore, who objects to making decrees _nisi_ absolute because he
+believes in the sanctity of the marriage tie. By and by we may be having
+a Unitarian appointed to the Bench, and he will refuse to try Admiralty
+suits, as he would have to sit with Trinity Masters."
+
+In sentencing a burglar recently, the judge referred to him as a
+"professional," to which the prisoner strongly protested from the dock.
+"Here," he exclaimed, "I dunno wot you mean by callin' me a professional
+burglar. I've only done it once before, an' I've been nabbed both
+times." The judge, in the most suave manner, replied, "Oh, I did not
+mean to say that you had been very successful in your profession."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE HON. MR JUSTICE GRANTHAM, JUDGE OF THE KING'S BENCH
+DIVISION.]
+
+Mr. Justice Grantham had a keen sense of humour. On one occasion, when
+he was judge at the Newcastle Assizes, he left the mansion-house where
+he was staying, at night, to post his letters. As he was wearing a cap
+he was not recognised by the police officer who was on duty outside, and
+the constable inquired of his lordship if "the old ---- had gone to bed
+yet." The judge replied that he thought not, and a short while after he
+had returned to the house he raised his bedroom window, and putting out
+his head called to the constable below: "Officer, the old ---- is just
+going to bed now."
+
+[Illustration: THE HON. MR JUSTICE DARLING, JUDGE OF THE KING'S BENCH
+DIVISION.]
+
+Hardly a case of any importance comes into Mr. Justice Darling's Court
+without attracting a large attendance of the public, as much from
+expectation of being entertained by the repartees between Bench and Bar
+as from interest in the proceedings before the Court. In a recent turf
+libel case his lordship gave a free rein to his proclivity to give an
+amusing turn to statements of both counsel and witnesses. At one point
+he intervened by remarking that other witnesses than the one under
+examination had said that a horse is made fit by running on the course
+before he is expected to win a position, and added, "That is so, not
+only on the race-course. You can never make a good lawyer by putting him
+to read in the library." To which the defendant, who conducted his own
+case, replied, "But I take it a barrister does try."--"You have no
+notion how he tries the judge," responded Mr. Justice Darling. In the
+same case a question arose as to whether the stewards of the Jockey Club
+had the power to check riding "short," as it is termed, and the Justice
+inquired if the stewards could say, "You must ride with a leather of a
+prescribed length," and got the answer, "Yes; they could say if you
+don't ride longer we won't give you a license."--"Which means," said the
+judge, "if you don't ride longer you won't ride long."
+
+"Who made the translation from the German?" asked the same judge,
+regarding a document to which counsel had referred. "God knows; I
+don't," was the reply of Mr. Danckwerts. "Are you sure," responded the
+Justice, "that what is not known to you is known at all?"
+
+Perhaps Mr. Justice Darling never raised heartier laughter than in an
+action some years ago where the issue was whether the plaintiff, who had
+been engaged by the defendant to sing in "potted opera" at a music-hall,
+was competent to fulfil his contract.
+
+"Well, he could not sing like the archangel Gabriel," a witness had
+said, in reply to Mr. Duke, K. C.
+
+"I have never heard the archangel Gabriel," commented the eminent
+counsel.
+
+"That, Mr. Duke, is a pleasure to come," was his lordship's swift, if
+gently sarcastic, rejoinder.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If witnesses occasionally undergo severe handling in cross-examination
+by counsel, there are also occasions when their ready reply has rather
+nonplussed the judge.
+
+A case was being tried at York before Mr. Justice Gould. When it had
+proceeded for upwards of two hours the judge observed that there were
+only eleven jurymen in the box, and inquired where the twelfth man was.
+"Please you, my lord," said one of them, "he has gone away about some
+business, but he has left his verdict with me."
+
+"How old are you?" asked the judge of a lady witness.
+"Thirty."--"Thirty!" said the judge; "I have heard you give the same age
+in this Court for the last three years."--"Yes," responded the lady; "I
+am not one of those persons who say one thing to-day and another
+to-morrow."
+
+Mr. Justice Keating one day had occasion to examine a witness who
+stuttered very much in giving his evidence. "I believe," said his
+lordship, "you are a very great rogue."--"Not so great a rogue as you,
+my lord--t--t--t--t--take me to be," was the reply.
+
+Judge: "Is this your signature?"
+
+Witness: "I don't know."
+
+Judge: "Look at it carefully."
+
+Witness: "I can't say for certain."
+
+Judge: "Is it anything like your writing?"
+
+Witness: "I don't think it is."
+
+Judge: "Can't you identify it?"
+
+Witness: "Not quite."
+
+Judge: "Well, let me see, just write your name here and I will examine
+the two signatures."
+
+Witness: "I can't write, sir."
+
+Medical men are not as a rule the best witnesses, being too fond of
+using technical words peculiar to them in their own profession. In an
+action for assault tried by a Derbyshire common jury before Mr. Justice
+Patteson, a surgical witness was asked to describe the injuries the
+plaintiff had received; he stated he had "ecchymosis" of the left eye.
+Upon the judge inquiring whether that did not mean what was commonly
+understood by a black eye, the witness answered: "Yes."--"Then why did
+you not say so, sir? What do the jury know of 'ecchymosis'? They might
+think, as the farmer did of the word 'felicity,' used by a clergyman in
+his sermon, that it meant something in the inside of a pig."
+
+A notorious thief, being tried for his life, confessed the robbery he
+was charged with. The judge thereupon directed the jury to find him
+guilty upon his own confession. The jury having consulted together
+brought him in "Not guilty." The judge bade them consider their verdict
+again, but still they brought in a verdict of "Not guilty." The judge
+asking the reason, the foreman replied: "There is reason enough, for we
+all know him to be one of the greatest liars in the country."
+
+"Have you committed all these crimes?" asked the judge of a hoary old
+sinner. "Yes, my lord, and worse." "Worse, I should have thought it
+impossible. What have you done then?"--"My lord, I allowed myself to be
+caught."
+
+"I knows yer," said a prisoner to the present Lord Chief Justice, "and
+many's the time I've given yer a hand when ye've been stepping it round
+the track like a greyhound. So let's down lightly, like a good cove as
+yer are."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The retort of a witness to Lord Avory was too good to be soon forgotten,
+and is still circulating among the juniors of the law-courts. "Let me
+see," said his lordship, "you have been convicted before, haven't
+you?"--"Yes, sir," answered the man; "but it was due to the incapacity
+of my counsel rather than to any fault on my part."--"It always is,"
+said Lord Avory, with a grim smile, "and you have my sincere
+sympathy."--"And I deserve it," retorted the man, "seeing that you were
+my counsel on that occasion!"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER TWO
+
+THE BARRISTERS OF ENGLAND
+
+
+    "Hark the hour of ten is sounding!
+    Hearts with anxious fears are bounding;
+    Hall of Justice crowds surrounding,
+        Breathing hope and fear.
+    For to-day in this arena
+    Summoned by a stern subpœna,
+    Edwin sued by Angelina
+        Shortly will appear."
+
+    Sir W. S. GILBERT: _Trial by Jury_.
+
+
+    "As your Solicitor, I should have no hesitation in saying:
+    Chance it----"
+
+    Sir W. S. GILBERT: _The Mikado_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER TWO
+
+THE BARRISTERS OF ENGLAND
+
+
+From the middle of the thirteenth century the senior rank to which a
+barrister could attain at the Bar was that of serjeant-at-law, and from
+that body, which existed until 1875, the judges were selected. If a
+barrister below the rank of serjeant was invited to take a seat on the
+Bench he invariably conformed to the recognised custom and "took the
+coif"--became a serjeant-at-law--before he was sworn as one of his (or
+her) Majesty's judges. This explains the term "brother" applied by
+judges when addressing serjeants pleading before them in Court. "Taking
+the coif" had a curious origin. It was customary in very early times for
+the clergy to add to their clerical duties that of a legal practitioner,
+by which considerable fees were obtained, and when the Canon law forbade
+them engaging in all secular occupations the remuneration they had
+obtained from the law-courts proved too strong a temptation to evade the
+new law. They continued therefore to practise in the Courts, and to hide
+their clerical identity they concealed the tonsure by covering the upper
+part of their heads with a black cap or coif. When ultimately clerical
+barristers were driven from the law-courts, the "coif" or black patch on
+the crown of a barrister's wig became the symbol of the rank of
+serjeant-at-law. That this distinguishing mark has been, in later years,
+occasionally misunderstood is illustrated in the story of Serjeant
+Allen and Sir Henry Keating, Q.C., who were opposed to one another in a
+case before the Assize Court at Stafford. During the hearing of the case
+a violent altercation had taken place between them, but when the Court
+rose they left the building together, walking amicably to their
+lodgings. Two men who had been in Court and had heard their wrangle were
+following behind them, when one said to the other: "If you was in
+trouble, Bill, which o' them two tip-top 'uns would you have to defend
+you?"--"Well, Jim," was the reply, "I should pitch upon this 'un,"
+pointing to the Q.C. "Then you'd be a fool," said his companion; "the
+fellow with the _sore head_ is worth six of t'other 'un."
+
+There used to be a student joke against the serjeants. "Why is a
+serjeant's speech like a tailor's goose?"--"Because it is hot and
+heavy."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Taking silk," or becoming a K.C. and a senior at the Bar, originated at
+a much later date than that of serjeant-at-law. Lord Bacon was the first
+to be recognised as Queen's Counsel, but this distinction arose from his
+position as legal adviser to Queen Elizabeth, and did not indicate the
+existence of a senior body (as K.C. does now) among the barristers of
+that period. The institution of the rank dates from the days of Charles
+II, when Sir Francis North, Lord Guildford, was created King's Counsel
+by a writ issued under the Great Seal. As was customary in the case of a
+barrister proposing to "take the coif," so in that of one proposing to
+"take silk"; he intimates to the seniors already holding the rank that
+he intends to apply for admission to the body. A story is current in the
+Temple that when Mr. Justice Eve "took silk" the usual notification of
+his intention was sent to the seniors, and from one of them he received
+the following reply: "My dear Eve, whether you wear silk or a fig-leaf,
+I do not care.--A Dam."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Our selection of facetiæ of the English Bar, therefore, naturally opens
+with stories of the serjeants-at-law, and one of the best-known members
+of that body in early days was Serjeant Hill, a celebrated lawyer, who
+was also somewhat remarkable for absence of mind, which was attributed
+to the earnestness with which he devoted himself to his professional
+duties.
+
+On the very day when he was married, he had an intricate case on hand,
+and forgot his engagement, until reminded of his waiting bride, and that
+the legal time for performing the ceremony had nearly elapsed. He then
+quitted law for the church; after the ceremony, the serjeant returned to
+his books and his papers, having forgotten the _cause_ he had been
+engaged in during the morning, until again reminded by his clerk that
+the assembled company impatiently awaited his presence at dinner.
+
+Being once on Circuit, and having occasion to refer to a law authority,
+he had recourse, as usual, to his bag; but, to the astonishment of the
+Court, instead of a volume of Viner's abridgment, he took out a specimen
+candlestick, the property of a Birmingham traveller, whose bag Serjeant
+Hill had brought into Court by mistake.
+
+A learned serjeant kept the Court waiting one morning for a few minutes.
+The business of the Court commenced at nine. "Brother," said the judge,
+"you are behind your time this morning. The Court has been waiting for
+you."--"I beg your lordship's pardon," replied the serjeant; "I am
+afraid I was longer than usual in dressing."--"Oh," returned the judge,
+"I can dress in five minutes at any time."--"Indeed!" said the learned
+brother, a little surprised for the moment; "but in that my dog Shock
+beats your lordship hollow, for he has nothing to do but to shake his
+coat, and thinks himself fit for any company."
+
+Serjeant Davy, when at the height of his professional career, once
+received a large brief on which a fee of two guineas only was marked on
+the back. His client asked him if he had read the brief. Pointing with
+his finger to the fee, Davy replied: "As far as that I have read, and
+for the life of me I can read no further." Of the same eminent serjeant
+in his earlier years an Old Baily story is told. Judge Gould, who
+presided, asked: "Who is concerned for the prisoner?"--"I am concerned
+for him, my lord," said Davy, "and very much concerned after what I have
+just heard."
+
+If Serjeant Davy was concerned about his client, Serjeant Miller had no
+such scruple about the man charged with horse stealing whom he
+successfully defended, although the evidence convinced the judge and
+everybody in the Court that there ought to have been a conviction. When
+the trial was over and the prisoner had been acquitted, the judge said
+to him: "Prisoner, luckily for you, you have been found Not Guilty by
+the jury, but you know perfectly well you stole that horse. You may as
+well tell the truth, as no harm can happen to you now by a confession,
+for you cannot be tried again. Now tell me, did you not steal that
+horse?" "Well, my lord," replied the man, "I always thought I did, until
+I heard my counsel's speech, but now I begin to think I didn't."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In the days of "riding" and "driving circuit," and even later, the
+Circuit mess was a very popular institution with circuiteers, and was
+made the occasion of much merriment. After the table had been cleared a
+fictitious charge would be made against one of the barristers present,
+and a mock tribunal was immediately constituted before which he was
+arraigned and his case duly set forth with all solemnity. The victim was
+invariably fined--generally in wine, which had to be paid at once, and
+consumed before the company retired to bed. On one such occasion
+Serjeant Prime, who is represented as a good-natured but rather dull
+man, and as a barrister wearisome beyond comparison, was engaged in an
+important case in an over-crowded courtroom. He had been speaking for
+three hours, when a boy, seated on a beam above the heads of the
+audience, overcome by the heat and the serjeant's monotonous tones, fell
+asleep, and, losing his balance, tumbled down on the people below. The
+incident was made the subject of a charge against the serjeant at the
+mess, and he was duly sentenced to pay a fine of two dozen of wine,
+which he did with the greatest good humour.
+
+Serjeant Wilkins, on one occasion, on defending a prisoner, said: "Drink
+has upon some an elevating, upon others a depressing, effect; indeed,
+there is a report, as we all know, that an eminent judge, when at the
+Bar, was obliged to resort to heavy drinking in the morning, to reduce
+himself to the level of the judges." Lord Denman, the judge, who had no
+love for Wilkins, bridled up instantly. His voice trembled with
+indignation as he uttered the words: "Where is the report, sir? Where is
+it?" There was a death-like silence. Wilkins calmly turned round to the
+judge and said: "It was burnt, my lord, in the Temple fire." The
+effect of this was considerable, and it was a long time before order
+could be restored, but Lord Denman was one of the first to acknowledge
+the wit of the answer.
+
+Difference of manner or temperament sometimes gives point to the
+collisions which occasionally occur in Court between rival counsel.
+Serjeant Wilkins, who had an inflated style of oratory, was once opposed
+in a case to Serjeant Thomas, whose manner of delivery was lighter and
+more lively. On the conclusion of a heavy bombardment of ponderous
+Johnsonian sentences from the former, Thomas rose, and, with his eyes
+fixed on his opponent, prefaced his address to the jury with the words,
+delivered with much solemnity of manner and intonation: "And now the
+hurly-burly's done."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Dunning was defending a gentleman in an action brought from _crim. con._
+with the plaintiff's wife. The chief witness for the plaintiff was the
+lady's maid, a clever, self-composed person, who spoke confidently as to
+seeing the defendant in bed with her mistress. Dunning, on rising to
+cross-examine her, first made her take off her bonnet, that they might
+have a good view of her face, but this did not discompose her, as she
+knew she was good-looking. He then arranged his brief, solemnly drew up
+his shirt sleeves, and then began: "Are you sure it was not your master
+you saw in bed with your mistress?"--"Perfectly sure."--"What, do you
+pretend to say you can be certain when the head only appeared from the
+bedclothes, and that enveloped in a nightcap?"--"Quite certain."--"You
+have often found occasion, then, to see your master in his
+nightcap?"--"Yes--very frequently."--"Now, young woman, I ask you, on
+your solemn oath, does not your master occasionally go to bed with
+you?"--"Oh, that trial does not come on to-day, Mr. Slabberchops!"
+replied the witness. A loud shout of laughter followed, and Lord
+Mansfield leaned back to enjoy it, and then gravely leaned forward and
+asked if Mr. Dunning had any more questions to put to the witness. No
+answer was given, and none were put. The same counsel, when at the
+height of his large practice at the Bar, was asked how he got through
+all his work. He replied: "I do one-third of it; another third does
+itself; and I don't do the remaining third."
+
+A witness under severe cross-examination by Serjeant Dunning was
+repeatedly asked if he did not live close to the Court. On admitting
+that he did, the further question was put, "And pray, sir, for what
+reason did you take up your residence in that place?"--"To avoid the
+rascally impertinence of dunning," came the ready answer.
+
+A barrister's name once gave a witness the opportunity to score in the
+course of a severe cross-examination. Missing was the leader of his
+Circuit and was defending his client charged with stealing a donkey. The
+prosecutor had left the donkey tied up to a gate, and when he returned
+it was gone. "Do you mean to say," said counsel, "the donkey was stolen
+from the gate?"--"I mean to say, sir," said the witness, giving the
+judge and then the jury a sly look, at the same time pointing to the
+counsel, "the ass was missing."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. Clarke, a leader of the Midland Circuit, was a very worthy lawyer of
+the old school. A client long refusing to agree to refer to arbitration
+a cause which judge, jury, and counsel wished to get rid of, he at last
+said to him, "You d--d infernal fool, if you do not immediately follow
+his lordship's recommendation, I shall be obliged to use strong language
+to you." Once, in a council of the Benchers of Lincoln's Inn, the same
+gentleman very conscientiously opposed their calling a Jew to the Bar.
+Some tried to point out the hardship to be imposed upon the young
+gentleman, who had been allowed to keep his terms, and whose prospects
+in life would thus be suddenly blasted. "Hardship!" said the zealous
+churchman, "no hardship at all! Let him become a Christian, and be d--d
+to him!"
+
+It is sometimes imagined by laymen that verdicts may be obtained by the
+trickery of counsel. Doubtless counsel may try to throw dust in the
+eyes of jurors, but they are not very successful. Lord Campbell tells a
+story of Clarke, who by such tactics brought a case to a satisfactory
+compromise. The attorney, coming to him privately, said, "Sir, don't you
+think we have got very good terms? But you rather went beyond my
+instructions."--"You fool!" retorted Clarke; "how do you suppose you
+could have got such terms if I had stuck to your instructions."
+
+[Illustration: JOHN ADOLPHUS, BARRISTER.]
+
+In the biography of John Adolphus, a famous criminal lawyer, we are told
+that the judges of his time were much impressed with the following table
+of degrees. "The three degrees of comparison in a lawyer's progress are:
+getting on; getting on-er (honour); getting on-est (honest)." He
+declared the judges acknowledged much truth in the degrees. The third
+degree in Mr. Adolphus' table reminds us of the story of the farmer who
+was met by the head of a firm of solicitors, who inquired the name of a
+plant the farmer was carrying. "It's a plant," replied the latter, "that
+will not grow in a lawyer's garden; it is called honesty."
+
+One night, walking through St. Giles's by way of a short cut towards
+home, an Irish woman came up to Mr. Adolphus. "Why, Misther Adolphus!
+and who'd a' thought of seeing you in the Holy Ground?"--"And how came
+you to know who I am?" said Adolphus. "Lord bless and save ye, sir!
+not know ye? Why, I'd know ye if ye was boiled up in a soup!"
+
+Mr. Montagu Chambers was counsel for a widow who had been put in a
+lunatic asylum, and sued the two medical men who signed the certificate
+of her insanity. The plaintiff's case was to prove that she was not
+addicted to drinking, and that there was no pretence for treating hers
+as a case of _delirium tremens_. Dr. Tunstal, the last of plaintiff's
+witnesses, described one case in which he had cured a patient of
+_delirium tremens_ in a _single night_, and he added, "It was a case of
+gradual drinking, _sipping all day_ from morning till night." These
+words were scarcely uttered when Mr. Chambers rose in triumph, and said,
+"My lord, that is _my case_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+On the Northern Circuit a century ago, there was a famous barrister who
+was familiarly known among his brother advocates as Jack Lee. He was
+engaged in examining one Mary Pritchard, of Barnsley, and began his
+examination with, "Well, Mary, if I may credit what I hear, I may
+venture to address you by the name of Black Moll."--"Faith you may,
+mister lawyer, for I am always called so by the blackguards." On another
+occasion he was retained for the plaintiff in an action for breach of
+promise of marriage. When the consultation took place, he inquired
+whether the lady for whose injury he was to seek redress was
+good-looking. "Very handsome indeed, sir," was the assurance of her
+attorney. "Then, sir," replied Lee, "I beg you will request her to be in
+Court, and in a place where she can be seen." The attorney promised
+compliance, and the lady, in accordance with Lee's wishes, took her seat
+in a conspicuous place, where the jury could see her. Lee, in addressing
+the jury, did not fail to insist with great warmth on the "abominable
+cruelty" which had been exercised towards "the highly attractive and
+modest girl who trusted her cause to their discernment"; and did not sit
+down until he had succeeded in working upon their feelings with great
+and, as he thought, successful effect. The counsel on the other side,
+however, speedily broke the spell with which Lee had enchanted the jury,
+by observing that "his learned friend, in describing the graces and
+beauty of the plaintiff, ought in common fairness not to have concealed
+from the jury the fact that the lady had a _wooden leg_!" The Court was
+convulsed with laughter at this discovery, while Lee, who was ignorant
+of this circumstance, looked aghast; and the jury, ashamed of the
+influence that mere eloquence had had upon them, returned a verdict for
+the defendant.
+
+Justice Willes, the son of Chief Justice Willes, had an offensive habit
+of interrupting counsel. On one occasion an old practitioner was so
+irritated by this practice that he retorted sharply by saying, "Your
+lordship doubtless shows greater acuteness even than your father, the
+Chief Justice, for he used to understand me _after I had done_, but your
+lordship understands me even _before I have begun_."
+
+Of Whigham, a later leader on the Northern Circuit, an amusing story
+used to be told. He was defending a prisoner, and opened an alibi in his
+address to the jury, undertaking to prove it by calling the person who
+had been in bed with his client at the time in question, and deprecating
+their evil opinion of a woman whose moral character was clearly open to
+grave reproach, but who was still entitled to be believed upon her oath.
+Then he called "Jessie Crabtree." The name was, as usual, repeated by
+the crier, and there came pushing his way sturdily through the crowd a
+big Lancashire lad in his rough dress, who had been the prisoner's
+veritable bedfellow--Whigham's brief not having explained to him that
+the Christian name of his witness was, in this case, a male one.
+
+Colman, in his _Random Records_, tells the following anecdote of the
+witty barrister, Mr. Jekyll. One day observing a squirrel in Colman's
+chambers, in the usual round cage, performing the same operation as a
+man in a tread-mill, and looking at it for a minute, exclaimed, "Oh!
+poor devil, he's going the Home Circuit."
+
+Jekyll was asked why he no longer spoke to a lawyer named Peat; to which
+he replied, "I choose to give up his acquaintance--I have common of
+turbary, and have a right to cut _peat_!" An impromptu of his on a
+learned serjeant who was holding the Court of Common Pleas with his
+glittering eye, is well known:
+
+    "Behold the serjeant full of fire,
+      Long shall his hearers rue it,
+    His purple garments _came_ from Tyre,
+      His arguments _go to it_."
+
+Mr. H. L. Adam, in his volume _The Story of Crime_, tells an amusing
+story of a prisoner whose counsel had successfully obtained his
+acquittal on a charge of brutal assault. A policeman came across a man
+one night lying unconscious on the pavement, and near by him was an
+ordinary "bowler" hat. That was the only clue to the perpetrator of the
+deed. The police had their suspicions of a certain individual, whom they
+proceeded to interrogate. In addition to being unable to give a
+satisfactory account of his movements on the night of the assault, it
+was found that the "bowler" hat in question fitted him like a glove. He
+was accordingly arrested and charged with the crime, the hat being the
+chief evidence against him. Counsel for the defence, however, dwelt so
+impressively on the risk of accepting such evidence that the jury
+brought in a verdict of "not proven," and the prisoner was discharged.
+Before leaving the dock he turned to the judge, and pointing to the
+hat in Court, said, "My lord, may I 'ave my 'at."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Some amusing scenes have occurred in suits brought by tailors and
+dressmakers to recover the price of garments for which their customers
+have declined to pay on the ground of misfit. Serjeant Ballantine, in
+his _Experiences of a Barrister_, relates the case of a tailor in which
+the defendant was the famous Sir Edwin Landseer. It was tried in the
+Exchequer Court, before Baron Martin. "The coat was produced," says the
+serjeant, "and the judge suggested that Sir Edwin should try it on; he
+made a wry face, but consented, and took off his own upper garment. He
+then put an arm into one of the sleeves of that in dispute, and made an
+apparently ineffectual endeavour to reach the other, following it round
+amidst roars of laughter from all parts of the Court. It was a common
+jury, and I was told that there was a tailor upon it, upon which I
+suggested that there was a gentleman of the same profession as the
+plaintiff in Court who might assist Sir Edwin. This was acceded to, and
+out hopped a little Hebrew slop-seller from the Minories, to whom the
+defendant submitted his body. With difficulty he got into the coat, and
+then stood as if spitted, his back one mass of wrinkles. The tableau was
+truly amusing; the indignant plaintiff looking at the performance with
+mingled horror and disgust; Sir Edwin, as if he were choking; whilst the
+juryman, with the air of a connoisseur, was examining him and the coat
+with profound gravity. At last the judge, when able to stifle his
+laughter, addressing the little Hebrew, said, 'Well, Mr. Moses, what do
+you say?'--'Oh,' cried he, holding up a pair of hands not over clean,
+and very different from those encased in lavender gloves which graced
+the plaintiff, 'it ish poshitively shocking, my lord; I should have been
+ashamed to turn out such a thing from my establishment.' The rest of the
+jury accepted his view, and Sir Edwin, apparently relieved from
+suffocation, entered his own coat with a look of relief, which again
+convulsed the Court, bowed, and departed."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Financial prosecutions are as a rule very dreary, and any little joke
+perpetrated by counsel during the course of them is a relief. One was
+being heard, in which Mr. Muir was counsel, and to many of his
+statements the junior counsel for the prosecution shook his head
+vehemently, although he said nothing. This continual dumb contradiction
+at length got on the customary patience of Mr. Muir, who blurted out: "I
+do not know why my friend keeps shaking his head, whether it is that he
+has palsy, or that there's nothing in it!"
+
+Mr. Baldwin was the counsel employed to oppose a person justifying bail
+in the Court of King's Bench. After some common questions, a waggish
+counsel sitting near suggested that the witness should be asked as to
+his having been a prisoner in Gloucester gaol. Mr. Baldwin thereon
+boldly asked: "When, sir, were you last in Gloucester gaol?" The
+witness, a respectable tradesman, with astonishment declared that he
+never was in a gaol in his life. Mr. Baldwin being foiled after putting
+the question in various ways, turned round to his friendly prompter, and
+asked for what the man had been imprisoned. He was told that it was for
+suicide. Thereupon Mr. Baldwin, with great gravity and solemnity
+addressed the witness: "Now, sir, I ask you upon your oath, and remember
+that I shall have your words taken down, were you not imprisoned in
+Gloucester gaol for suicide?"
+
+A young lawyer who had just "taken the coif," once said to Samuel
+Warren, the author of _Ten Thousand a Year_: "Hah! Warren, I never could
+manage to get quite through that novel of yours. What did you do with
+Oily Gammon?"--"Oh," replied Warren, "I made a serjeant of him, and of
+course he never was heard of afterwards."
+
+[Illustration: SAMUEL WARREN, Q.C., MASTER IN LUNACY.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Warner Sleigh, a great thieves' counsel, was not debarred by etiquette
+from taking instructions direct from his clients. One day, following a
+rap on the door of his chambers in Middle Temple Lane, a thick-set man,
+with cropped poll of unmistakably Newgate cut, slunk into the room, when
+the following colloquy took place.
+
+"Mornin', sir," said the man, touching his forelock. "Morning," replied
+counsel. "What do you want?"--"Well, sir, I'm sorry to say, sir, our
+little Ben, sir, has 'ad a misfortin'; fust offence, sir, only a
+'wipe'--"--"Well, well!" interrupted counsel. "Get on."--"So, sir, we
+thought as you've 'ad all the family business we'd like you to defend
+'im, sir."--"All right," said counsel; "see my clerk--."--"Yessir,"
+continued the thief; "but I thought I'd like to make sure you'd attend
+yourself, sir; we're anxious, 'cos it's little Ben, our youngest
+kid."--"Oh! that will be all right. Give Simmons the fee."--"Well, sir,"
+continued the man, shifting about uneasily, "I was going to arst you,
+sir, to take a little less. You see, sir (wheedlingly), it's little
+Ben--his first misfortin'."--"No, no," said the counsel impatiently.
+"Clear out!"--"But, sir, you've 'ad all our business. Well, sir, if you
+won't, you won't, so I'll pay you now, sir." And as he doled out the
+guineas: "I may as well tell you, sir, you wouldn't 'a' got the
+'couties' if I 'adn't 'ad a little bit o' luck on the way."
+
+The gravity of the Court of Appeal was once seriously disturbed by
+Edward Bullen reading to them the following paragraph from a pleading in
+an action for seduction: "The defendant denies that he is the father of
+the said twins, _or of either of them_." This he apologetically
+explained was due to an accident in his pupil-room, but everyone
+recognised the style of the master-hand.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Serjeant Adams, who acted as assistant judge at the sessions, had a very
+pleasant wit, and knew how to deal with any counsel who took to
+"high-falutin." On one occasion, after an altercation with the judge,
+the counsel for the prisoner in his address to the jury reminded them
+that "they were the great palladium of British Liberty--that it was
+_their_ province to deal with the facts, the _judge_ with the law--that
+they formed one of the great institutions of their country, and that
+they came in with William the Conqueror." Adams at the end of his
+summing up said: "Gentlemen, you will want to retire to consider your
+verdict, and as it seems you came in with the Conqueror you can now go
+out with the beadle."
+
+There was always a mystery how Edwin James, who at the Bar was earning
+an income of at least £10,000 a year, was continually in monetary
+difficulties. Like Sir Thomas Lawrence, he must have had some private
+drain on his resources which was never disclosed. Among others who
+suffered was the landlord of his chambers, whose rent was very much in
+arrear. In the end the landlord hit upon a plan to discover which would
+be the best method of recovering his rent, and one day asked James to
+advise him on a legal matter in which he was interested, and thereupon
+drew up a statement of his grievance against his own tenant. The paper
+was duly returned to the landlord next day with the following sentence
+subjoined: "In my opinion this is a case which admits of only one
+remedy--patience. Edwin James."
+
+In a case before Lord Campbell, James took a line with a witness which
+his lordship considered quite inadmissible, and stopped him. When
+summing up to the jury Lord Campbell thought to soften his interruption
+by saying: "You will have observed, gentlemen, that I felt it my duty to
+stop Mr. Edwin James in a certain line which he sought to adopt in the
+cross-examination of one of the witnesses; but at the same time I had no
+intention to cast any reflection on the learned counsel who I am sure is
+known to you all as a most able--" but before his lordship could proceed
+any further James interposed, and in a contemptuous voice exclaimed: "My
+lord, I have borne your lordship's censure, spare me your lordship's
+praise."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. W. G. Thorpe, F.S.A., in his entertaining volume of _Middle Temple
+Table Talk_, relates a curious story of a judge taking an extremely
+personal interest in a case which was brought before him. A milk company
+had sold off a lot of old stock to a cake-maker, and the cake-maker had
+declined to pay because the milk had turned out to be poisonous. As the
+case went on the judge became more and more exercised. "What do they do
+with this stuff?" he asked, pointing to a mass of horrible mixture. "Oh,
+my lord, they make cakes of it; it doesn't taste in the cakes."--"Where
+do they sell these cakes?" was the judge's next question, and the reply
+was, "They are used for certain railway stations, school-treats, and
+excursions." Then the defendant specified one of the places. "Bless me!"
+said the judge, turning an olive-green, "I had some there myself," and
+with a shudder he retired to his private room, returning in a few
+minutes wiping his mouth.
+
+There is another story of a counsel defending a woman on a charge of
+causing the death of her husband by administering a poisoned cake to
+him. "I'll eat some of the cake myself," he said in Court, and took a
+bite. Just at this moment a telegram was brought to him to say that his
+wife was seriously ill, and he obtained permission to leave in order to
+answer the message. He returned, finished his speech, and obtained the
+acquittal of his client. It transpired afterwards that the telegram
+business was arranged in order that counsel could obtain an emetic
+after swallowing the cake.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. Montagu Williams tells a story, in his interesting _Leaves of a
+Life_, of two members of the Bar, one of whom had made a large fortune
+by his practice, but worked too hard to enjoy his gains, while the
+other, who only made a decent living, liked to enjoy life. They met on
+one occasion at the end of a long vacation, and the rich man asked his
+less fortunate brother what he had been doing. "I have been on the
+Continent," the other replied, "and I enjoyed my holiday very much. What
+have you been doing?"--"I have been working," said the rich Q.C., "and
+have not been out of town; I had lots of work to do."--"What is the use
+of it?" queried the other; "you can't carry the money with you when you
+die; and if you could, _it would soon melt_."
+
+From the same work we take the following story of Serjeant Ballantine.
+On one occasion he was acting in a case with a Jewish solicitor, and it
+happened that one of the hostile witnesses also belonged to the same
+race. Just as the serjeant was about to examine him, the solicitor
+whispered in Ballantine's ear: "Ask him as your first question, if he
+isn't a Jew."--"Why, but you're a Jew yourself," said the serjeant in
+some surprise. "Never mind, never mind," replied the little solicitor
+eagerly. "Please do--just to prejudice the jury."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: JOHN ROMILLY, BARON ROMILLY, MASTER OF THE ROLLS.]
+
+No collection of the wit and humour of the Bar would be complete without
+some specimens of Sir Frank Lockwood's racy sayings. From Mr. Augustine
+Birrell's _Life of Lockwood_ we quote the following:
+
+"A tale is attached to Lockwood's first brief. It was on a petition to
+the Master of the Rolls for payment out of Court of a sum of money; and
+Lockwood appeared for an official liquidator of a company whose consent
+had to be obtained before the Court would part with the fund. Lockwood
+was instructed to consent, and his reward was to be three guineas on the
+brief and one guinea for consultation. The petition came on in due
+course before Lord Romilly, and was made plain to him by counsel for the
+petitioner, and still a little plainer by counsel for the principal
+respondent.
+
+"Then up rose Lockwood, an imposing figure, and indicated his appearance
+in the case.
+
+"'What brings _you_ here?' said Lord Romilly, meaning, I presume, 'Why
+need I listen to you?'
+
+"Lockwood looking puzzled, Lord Romilly added a little testily, 'What do
+you come here for?'
+
+"The answer was immediate, unexpected, and, accompanied as it was by a
+dramatic glance at the outside of his brief, as if to refresh his
+memory, triumphant, 'Three and one, my lord!'"
+
+"The following letter is to Mrs. Atkinson:
+
+         1 HARE COURT, TEMPLE, E.C., LONDON.
+             _September 18, '72._
+
+     MY DEAR LOO,--I trust it is well with yourself, John, and the
+     childer.... It is an off-day. We are resting on our legal oars
+     after a prolonged and determined struggle yesterday. Know!
+     that near our native hamlet is the level of Hatfield Chase,
+     whereon are numerous drains. Our drain (speaking from the
+     Corporation of Hatfield Chase point of view) we have stopped,
+     for our own purposes. Consequently, the adjacent lands have
+     been flooded, are flooded, and will continue to be flooded.
+     The landed gentry wish us to remove our dam, saying that if we
+     don't they won't be worth a d--n. We answer that we don't care
+     a d--n.
+
+     This interesting case has been simmering in the law-courts
+     since 1820. The landed gentry got a verdict in their favour at
+     the last Lincoln Assizes, but find themselves little the
+     better, as we have appealed, and our dam still reigns
+     triumphant. Yesterday an application was made to the judge to
+     order our dam to be removed. In the absence of Mellor, I
+     donned my forensic armour and did battle for the Corporation.
+     After two hours' hard fighting, we adjourned for a week; in
+     the meantime the floods may rise, and the winds blow. The
+     farmers yelled with rage when they heard that the dam had got
+     a week's respite. I rather fancy that they will yell louder on
+     Tuesday, as I hope to win another bloodless victory. It is a
+     pretty wanton sport, the cream of the joke being that the dam
+     is no good to us or to anybody else, and we have no real
+     objection to urge against its removal, excepting that such a
+     measure would be informal, and contrary to the law as laid
+     down some hundred years ago by an old gentleman who never
+     heard of a steam-engine, and who would have fainted at the
+     sight of a telegraph post. As we have the most money on our
+     side, I trust we shall win in the end. None of this useful
+     substance, however, comes my way, as it is Mellor's work. But
+     I hope to reap some advantage from it, both as to experience
+     and introduction. I make no apology for troubling you with
+     this long narration. I wish it to sink into your mind, and
+     into that of your good husband. Let it be a warning to you and
+     yours. And never by any chance become involved in any
+     difficulties which will bring you into a court of law of
+     higher jurisdiction than a police court. An occasional 'drunk
+     and disorderly' will do you no harm, and only cost you 5_s._
+     Beyond a little indulgence of this kind--beware! In all
+     probability I shall be in the North in a few weeks. Sessions
+     commence next month. I will write to the Mum this week.--With
+     best love to all, I am, Your affectionate brother,
+
+         FRANK LOCKWOOD."
+
+"Mr. Mellor vouches for the following story, which, as it illustrates
+Lockwood's humour and had gone the round of the newspapers, I will tell.
+It is the ancient custom of the new Lord Mayor of London, attended by
+the Recorder and Sheriffs, to come into the law-courts and be introduced
+to the Lord Chief Justice or, if he is not there, to the senior judge to
+be found on the premises, and, after a little lecture from the Bench, to
+return good for evil by inviting the judges to dinner, only to receive
+the somewhat chilling answer, 'Some of their lordships will attend.' On
+this occasion the ceremony was over, and the Lord Mayor and his retinue
+was retiring from the Court, when his lordship's eye rested on Lockwood,
+who in a new wig was one of the throng by the door. 'Ah, my young
+friend!' said the Lord Mayor in a pompous way (for in those days there
+was no London County Council to teach Lord Mayors humility); 'picking up
+a little law, I suppose?' Lockwood had his answer ready. With a profound
+bow, he replied: 'I shall be delighted to accept your lordship's
+hospitality. I think I heard your lordship name seven as the hour.' The
+Lord Mayor hurried out of Court, and even the policeman (and to the
+police Lord Mayors are almost divine) shook with laughter."
+
+Counsel sometimes find their position so weak that their only hope of
+damaging the other side lies in ridiculing their witnesses. Serjeant
+Parry on one occasion was defending a client against a claim for breach
+of promise of marriage made a few hours after a chance meeting in Regent
+Street. According to the lady's story the introduction had been effected
+through the gentleman offering to protect her from a dog. In course of
+cross-examination Parry said: "You say you were alarmed at two dogs
+fighting, madam?"--"No, no, it was a single dog," was the reply. "What
+you mean, madam," retorted Parry, "is that there was only one dog; but
+whether it was a single dog or a married dog you are not in a position
+to say." With this correction it need not be wondered that the lady had
+little more to say.
+
+A learned counsellor in the midst of an affecting appeal in Court on a
+slander case delivered himself of the following flight of genius.
+"Slander, gentlemen, like a boa constrictor of gigantic size and
+immeasurable proportions, wraps the coil of its unwieldy body about its
+unfortunate victim, and, heedless of the shrieks of agony that come from
+the utmost depths of its victim's soul, loud and reverberating as the
+night thunder that rolls in the heavens, it finally breaks its unlucky
+neck upon the iron wheel of public opinion; forcing him first to
+desperation, then to madness, and finally crushing him in the hideous
+jaws of mortal death."
+
+Talking of his early days at the Bar, Mr. Thomas Edward Crispe, in
+_Reminiscences of a K.C._, relates how on one occasion he was opposed by
+a somewhat eccentric counsel named Wharton, known in his day as the
+"Poet of Pump Court." The case was really a simple one, but Wharton made
+so much of it that when the luncheon half-hour came the judge, Mr.
+Justice Archibald, with some emphasis, addressing Mr. Wharton, said: "We
+will now adjourn, and, Mr. Wharton, I hope you will take the opportunity
+of conferring with your friend Mr. Crispe and settling the matter out of
+Court."
+
+But Wharton would not agree to this, and when at last he had to address
+the jury, he, in the course of his speech, made the following remarks,
+for every word of which Mr. Crispe vouches:
+
+"Gentlemen, I think it only courteous to the learned judge to refer to
+the advice his lordship gave me to settle the matter out of Court. That
+reminds me of a case, tried in a country court, in an action for
+detention of a donkey. The plaintiff was a costermonger and the
+defendant a costermonger; they conducted the case in person. At one
+o'clock the judge said: 'Now, my men, I'm going to have my lunch, and
+before I come back I hope you'll settle your dispute out of Court.' When
+he returned the plaintiff came in with a black eye and the defendant
+with a bleeding nose, and the defendant said: 'Well, your honour, we've
+taken your honour's advice; Jim's given me a good hiding, and I've
+given him back his donkey.'"
+
+Mr. F. E. Smith, M.P., tells a story of a County Court case he was once
+engaged in, in which the plaintiff's son, a lad of eight years, was to
+appear as a witness.
+
+When the youngster entered the box he wore boots several sizes too
+large, a hat that almost hid his face, long trousers rolled up so that
+the baggy knees were at his ankles, and, to complete the picture, a
+swallow-tail coat that had to be held to keep it from sweeping the
+floor. This ludicrous picture was too much for the Court; but the judge,
+between his spasms of laughter, managed to ask the boy his reason for
+appearing in such garb.
+
+With wondering look the lad fished in an inner pocket and hauled the
+summons from it, pointing out a sentence with solemn mien as he did so:
+"To appear in his father's suit" it read.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There have been few readier men in retort than the late Mr. Francis
+Oswald, the author of _Oswald on Contempt of Court_. After a stiff
+breeze in a Chancery Court, the judge snapped out, "Well, I can't teach
+you manners, Mr. Oswald."--"That is so, m'lud, that is so," replied the
+imperturbable one. On another occasion, an irascible judge observed, "If
+you say another word, Mr. Oswald, I'll commit you."--"That raises
+another point--as to your lordship's power to commit counsel engaged in
+arguing before you," was the cool answer.
+
+The author of _Pie Powder_ in his entertaining volume, tells us that he
+was once dining with a barrister who had just taken silk. In the course
+of after-dinner talk, the new K.C. invited his friend to tell him what
+he considered was his (the K.C.'s) chief fault in style. After some
+considerable hesitation his friend admitted that he thought the K.C.
+erred occasionally in being too long. This apparently somewhat annoyed
+the K.C., and his friend feeling he had perhaps spoken too freely,
+thought he would smooth matters by inviting similar criticism of himself
+from the K.C., who at once replied, "My dear boy, I don't think really
+you have any fault. _Except, you know, you are so d--d offensive._"
+
+A judge and a facetious lawyer conversing on the subject of the
+transmigration of souls, the judge said, "If you and I were turned into
+a horse and an ass, which of them would you prefer to be?"--"The ass, to
+be sure," replied the lawyer.--"Why?"--"Because," replied the lawyer, "I
+have heard of an ass being a judge, but of a horse, never."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SERJEANT TALFOURD.]
+
+In some cases counsel receive answers to questions which they had no
+business to put, and these, if not quite to their liking, are what they
+justly deserve. The following story of George Clarke, a celebrated
+negro minstrel, is a case in point. On one occasion, when being examined
+as a witness, he was severely interrogated by a lawyer. "You are in the
+minstrel business, I believe?" inquired the lawyer. "Yes, sir," was the
+reply. "Is not that rather a low calling?"--"I don't know but what it
+is, sir," replied the minstrel; "but it is so much better than my
+father's that I am rather proud of it." The lawyer fell into the trap.
+"What was your father's calling?" he inquired. "He was a lawyer,"
+replied Clarke, in a tone that sent the whole Court into a roar of
+laughter as the discomfited lawyer sat down.
+
+At the Durham Assizes an action was tried which turned out to have been
+brought by one neighbour against another for a trifling matter. The
+plaintiff was a deaf old lady, and after a pause the judge suggested
+that the counsel should get his client to compromise it, and to ask her
+what she would take to settle it. Very loudly counsel shouted out to his
+client: "His lordship wants to know what you will take?" She at once
+replied: "I thank his lordship kindly, and if it's no ill convenience to
+him, I'll take a little _warm ale_."
+
+A tailor sent his bill to a lawyer, and a message to ask for payment.
+The lawyer bid the messenger tell his master that he was not running
+away, and was very busy at the time. The messenger returned and said he
+must have the money. The lawyer testily answered, "Did you tell your
+master that I was not running away?"--"Yes, I did, sir; but he bade me
+tell you that _he was_."
+
+A well-known barrister at the criminal Bar, who prided himself upon his
+skill in cross-examining a witness, had an odd-looking witness upon whom
+to operate. "You say, sir, that the prisoner is a thief?"--"Yes,
+sir--'cause why, she confessed it."--"And you also swear she did some
+repairs for you subsequent to the confession?"--"I do, sir."--"Then,"
+giving a knowing look at the Court, "we are to understand that you
+employ dishonest people to work for you, even after their rascalities
+are known?"--"Of course! How else could I get assistance from a
+lawyer?"--"Stand down!" shouted the man of law.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+At Worcester Assizes, a cause was tried as to the soundness of a horse,
+and a clergyman had been a witness, who gave a very confused account of
+the transaction, and the matters he spoke to. A blustering counsel on
+the other side, after many attempts to get at the facts, said: "Pray,
+sir, do you know the difference between a horse and a cow?"--"I
+acknowledge my ignorance," replied the clergyman. "I hardly know the
+difference between a horse and a cow, or between a bully and a bull.
+Only a bull, I am told, has horns, and a bully," bowing respectfully to
+the counsel, "_luckily for me, has none_."
+
+"In Court one day," says Mr. W. Andrews in _The Lawyer_, "I heard the
+following sharp encounter between a witness and an exceedingly irascible
+old-fashioned solicitor who, among other things, hated the modern custom
+of growing a beard or moustache. He himself grew side-whiskers in the
+most approved style of half a century ago. "Speak up, witness," he
+shouted, "and don't stand mumbling there. If you would shave off that
+unsightly moustache we might be better able to hear what was coming out
+of your lips." "And if you, sir," said the witness quietly, "would shave
+off those side-whiskers you would enable my words to reach your ears.""
+
+"My friend," said an irritable lawyer, "you are an ass."--"Do you mean,
+sir," asked the witness, "that I am your friend because I am an ass, or
+an ass because I am your friend?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Counsel sometimes comes to grief in dealing with experts. "Do you,"
+asked one of a scientist, "know of a substance called Sulphonylic
+Diazotised Sesqui Oxide of Aldehyde?" and he looked round triumphantly.
+"Certainly," came the reply. "It is analogous in diatomic composition of
+Para Sulpho Benzine Azode Methyl Aniline in conjunction with
+Phehekatoline." Counsel said he would pursue the matter no further.
+
+An action was brought by the owner of a donkey which was forced against
+a wall by a waggon and killed. The driver of the donkey was the chief
+witness, and was much bullied by Mr. Raine, the defendant's counsel, so
+that he lost his head and was reprimanded by the judge for not giving
+direct answers, and looking the jury in the face. Mr. Raine had a
+powerful cast in his eye, which probably heightened the poor fellow's
+confusion; and he continued to deal very severely with the witness,
+reminding him again and again of the judge's caution, saying: "Hold up
+your head, man: look up, I say. Can't you hold up your head, fellow?
+Can't you look as I do?" The witness, with much simplicity, at once
+answered, "I can't, you squint." On re-examination, Serjeant Cockle for
+the plaintiff, seeing gleams of the witness's recovery from his
+confusion, asked him to describe the position of the waggon and the
+donkey. After much pressing, at last he said, "Well, my lord judge, I'll
+tell you as how it happened." Turning to Cockle, he said, "You'll
+suppose ye are the wall."--"Aye, aye, just so, go on. I am the wall,
+very good."--"Yes, sir, you are the wall." Then changing his position a
+little, he said, "I am the waggon."--"Yes, very good; now proceed, you
+are the waggon," said the judge. The witness then looked to the judge,
+and hesitating at first, but with a low bow and a look of sudden
+despair, said, "And your lordship's the ass!"
+
+Serjeant Cockle, who had a rough, blustering manner, once got from a
+witness more than he gave. In a trial of a right of fishery, he asked
+the witness: "Dost thou love fish?"--"Aye," replied the witness, with a
+grin, "but I donna like cockle sauce with it." The learned serjeant was
+not pleased with the roar of laughter which followed the remark.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. H. L. Adam in _The Story of Crime_ says he remembers a very amusing
+incident in one of our police courts. A prisoner had engaged a solicitor
+to defend him, and while the latter was speaking on his behalf he
+suddenly broke in with, "Why, he dunno wot the devil he's talking
+abaht!" Thereupon the magistrate informed him that if he was
+dissatisfied with his advocate's capabilities, he could, if he chose,
+defend himself. This he elected to do, and in the end was acquitted, the
+magistrate remarking that had the case been left to counsel he would
+unquestionably have been convicted.
+
+In cross-examining a witness, says Judge Parry in _What the Judge Saw_,
+who had described the effects of an accident, was confronted by counsel
+with his statement, and asked, "But hadn't you told the doctor that
+your thigh was numb and had no feeling?"--"What's the good o' telling
+him anything," replied the witness. "That's where doctor made a mistake.
+I told 'im I was numb i' front, and what does he do but go and stick a
+pin into my back-side. 'E's no doctor."
+
+From the same source is the following story. Another man was testifying
+to an accident that had occurred to him at the works where he was
+employed. It was sought to prove that his testimony was false because he
+had a holiday that day, and this poser was put to him: "Do you mean to
+tell the Court that you came to work when you might have been enjoying a
+holiday?"--"Certainly."--"Why did you do that?" The reply was too
+obviously truthful. "What should I do? I have nowhere to go. I'm
+teetotal now."
+
+A Jew had been condemned to be hanged, and was brought to the gallows
+along with a fellow prisoner; but on the road, before reaching the place
+of execution, a reprieve arrived for the Jew. When informed of this, it
+was expected that he would instantly leave the cart in which he was
+conveyed, but he remained and saw his fellow prisoner hanged. Being
+asked why he did not at once go about his business, he said, "He was
+waiting to see if he could bargain with Mr. Ketch for the _other
+gentleman's clothes_!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A sign-painter presented his bill to a lawyer for payment. After
+examining it the lawyer said, "Do you expect any painter will go to
+heaven if they make such charges as these?"--"I never heard of but one
+that went," said the painter, "and he behaved so badly that they
+determined to turn him out, but there being no lawyer present to draw up
+the Writ of Ejectment, he remained."
+
+This must be the lawyer who, being refused entrance to heaven by St.
+Peter, contrived to throw his hat inside the door; and then, being
+permitted to go and fetch it, took advantage of the Saint being fixed to
+his post as doorkeeper and refused to come back again.
+
+A solicitor who was known to occasionally exceed the limit at lunch
+betrayed so much unsteadiness that the magistrate quickly observed, "I
+think, Mr. ----, you are not quite well, perhaps you had a little too
+much wine at lunch."--"Quite a mistake, your worship," hiccoughed Mr.
+----. "It was brandy and water."
+
+The son-in-law of a Chancery barrister having succeeded to the lucrative
+practice of the latter, came one morning in breathless haste to inform
+him that he had succeeded in bringing nearly to its termination a cause
+which had been pending in the Court for several years. Instead of
+obtaining the expected congratulations of the retired veteran of the
+law, his intelligence was received with indignation. "It was by this
+suit," exclaimed he, "that my father was enabled to provide for me, and
+to portion your wife, and with the exercise of common prudence it would
+have furnished you with the means of providing handsomely for your
+children and grandchildren."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER THREE
+
+THE JUDGES OF IRELAND
+
+
+    "So slow is justice in its ways
+      Beset by more than customary clogs,
+    Going to law in these expensive days
+      Is much the same as going to the dogs."
+
+    WILLOCK: _Legal Facetiæ_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER THREE
+
+THE JUDGES OF IRELAND
+
+
+In the days of Queen Anne corruption was rife among Irish judges, as it
+was also among members of the Scottish Bench at an earlier period, and
+it was not uncommon to find the former concurring in Privy Council
+reports issued contrary to evidence. Within the area of the Munster
+Circuit in the early years of the eighteenth century a petition was
+signed and presented to Parliament by clergy, resident gentry, and
+others in the district, because Lord Chancellor Phipps refused to be
+influenced in his decision of cases coming before him, and had thereby
+incurred the displeasure of a certain section of the Irish Parliament.
+Even a Lord Chief Justice was not above taking a gift; and in this
+connection O'Flanagan in _The Munster Circuit_ tells a story of Chief
+Justice Pyne, who was a great cattle-breeder and owner of valuable
+stock. One day before starting for Cork Assizes to try a case in which a
+Mr. Weller and a Mr. Nangle were concerned, he received a visit from the
+former's steward, who had been sent with a herd of twenty-five splendid
+heifers for his lordship. The judge was highly pleased, and returned by
+the steward a gracious message of thanks to his master. On the way to
+Cork the Chief Justice's coach was stopped by a drove of valuable
+shorthorns on the road. Looking out, his lordship demanded of the
+drover, "Whose beasts are these, my man?"--"They belong, please your
+honour, to a great gentleman of these parts, Judge Pyne, your honour,"
+replied the man. "Indeed," cried the Chief Justice in much surprise,
+"and where are you taking them now?"--"They are grazing in my master Mr.
+Nangle's farm, your honour; and as the Assizes are coming on at Cork my
+master thought the judge might like to see that he took good care of
+them, so I'm taking them to Waterpark (his lordship's estate) to show to
+the judge." The judge felt the delicacy of Mr. Nangle's mode of giving
+his present, and putting a guinea in the drover's hand said, "As your
+master has taken such good care of my cattle, I will take care of him."
+When the case came on it appeared at first that the judge favoured the
+plaintiff, Mr. Weller, but as it proceeded he changed his views and
+finally decided for the defendant, Mr. Nangle. On arriving home the
+judge's first question was, "Are the cattle all safe?"--"Perfectly, my
+lord."--"Where are the beasts I received on leaving for the Cork
+Assizes?"--"They are where you left them, my lord."--"Where I left
+them--that is impossible," exclaimed the judge. "I left them on the
+road." The steward looked puzzled. "I'll have a look at them myself,"
+said Chief Justice Pyne. The steward led the way, and pointed out the
+twenty-five fine heifers presented by Mr. Weller, the plaintiff. "But
+where are the shorthorns that came after I left home?"--"Bedad, the
+long and the short of it is, them's all the cattle on the land, except
+what we have bred ourselves, my lord." And so it was. Mr. Nangle, the
+defendant, had so arranged his gift to meet the judge on the road, but
+as soon as his lordship's coach was out of sight the cattle were driven
+back to their familiar fields. The Chief Justice had been outwitted and
+had no power of showing resentment.
+
+In the manners and customs of the legal profession of Ireland in the
+latter part of the eighteenth century, there is also a strong similarity
+between the members of the Scottish Bench and their Irish brethren, in
+that they were heavy port drinkers; and did not hesitate to indulge in
+it while sitting on the Bench. It is reported of one Irish judge that he
+had a specially constructed metal tube like a penholder, through which
+he sucked his favourite liquor, from what appeared to the audience to be
+a metal inkstand. Another judge on being asked if, at a social
+gathering, he had seen a learned brother dance, "Yes," he replied, "I
+saw him in a _reel_"; while Curran referring to a third judge, who had
+condemned a prisoner to death, said, "He did not weep, but he had a drop
+in his eye."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Unblushing effrontery and a bronzed visage gained for John Scott (Lord
+Clonmel) while at the Bar the sobriquet of "Copper-faced Jack." He took
+the popular side in politics, which ordinarily would not have led to
+promotion in his profession; but his outstanding ability attracted the
+attention of Lord Chancellor Lifford, and through his influence Scott
+was offered a place under the Government. On accepting it at the hands
+of Lord Townshend, he said, "My lord, you have spoiled a good patriot."
+Some time after he met Flood, a co-patriot, and addressed him: "Well, I
+suppose you will be abusing me as usual." To which Flood replied: "When
+I began to abuse you, you were a briefless barrister; by abuse I made
+you counsel to the revenue, by abuse I got you a silk gown, by abuse I
+made you Solicitor-General, by abuse I may make you Chief Justice. No,
+Scott, I'll praise you."
+
+When Lord Clonmel was Lord Chief Justice he upheld the undignified
+practice of demanding a shilling for administering an oath, and used to
+be well satisfied, provided the coin was a _good one_. In his time the
+Birmingham shilling was current, and he used the following extraordinary
+precautions to avoid being imposed upon by taking a bad one. "You shall
+true answer make to such questions as shall be demanded of you touching
+this affidavit, so help you God! _Is this a good shilling?_ Are the
+contents of this affidavit true? Is this your name and handwriting?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The family of Henn belonging to Clare have been, generation after
+generation, since the first of the name became Chief Baron in 1679,
+connected with the Irish Bench and Bar. William Henn, a descendant of
+the Chief Baron, was made a Judge of the King's Bench in 1767, and when
+on Circuit at Wexford in 1789 two young barristers contended before him
+with great zeal and pertinacity, each flatly contradicting the other as
+to the law of the case; and both at each turn of the argument again and
+again referred with exemplary confidence to the learned judge, as so
+well knowing that what was said by him (the speaker) was right. The
+judge said, "Well, gentlemen, can I settle this matter between you? You,
+sir, say positively the law is one way; and you, sir (turning to the
+opponent), as unequivocally say it is the other way. I wish to God,
+Billy Harris (leaning over and addressing the registrar who sat beneath
+him), I knew what the law really was!"--"My lord," replied Billy Harris,
+rising, and turning round with great gravity and respect, "if I
+possessed that knowledge, I assure your lordship that I would tell your
+lordship with great pleasure!"--"Then," exclaimed the judge, "we'll save
+the point, Billy Harris!"
+
+Although more appropriate in the following chapter, we may here
+introduce a story of the younger son of the Judge Henn of the previous
+story. Jonathan, who was more distinguished than his elder
+brother--another Judge Henn--did not attain to the Bench. In early
+years he was indifferent whether briefs were given him or not, and
+indeed on one occasion he is said to have sent a message to the
+Attorney-General, who had called to engage him in a case, to keep "his
+d--d brief and to take himself to the d--l." But later he became very
+industrious, and his natural ability soon brought him into a large and
+lucrative practice. He was counsel for the Government at the trial of
+John Mitchell, and at its close the wags of the Court declared that
+"Judge Moore _spoke_ to the evidence, but Jonathan Henn _charged the
+jury_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HUGH CARLETON, VISCOUNT CARLETON, LORD CHIEF JUSTICE OF
+IRELAND.]
+
+Chief Justice Carleton was a most lugubrious judge, and was always
+complaining of something or other, but chiefly about the state of his
+health, so that Curran remarked that it was strange the old judge was
+_plaintive_ in every case tried before him.
+
+One day his lordship came into Court very late, looking very woeful. He
+apologised to the Bar for being obliged to adjourn the Court at once and
+dismiss the jury for that day. "Though," his lordship added, "I am aware
+that an important issue stands for trial. But, the fact is, gentlemen
+(addressing the Bar in a low tone of voice and somewhat confidentially),
+I have met with a domestic misfortune, which has altogether deranged my
+nerves. Poor Lady Carleton has, most unfortunately, miscarried,
+and--." "Oh, then, my lord," exclaimed Curran, "I am sure we are all
+quite satisfied your lordship has done right in deciding there is no
+_issue_ to try to-day." His lordship smiled a ghastly smile, and,
+retiring, thanked the Bar for their sympathy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Judge Foster was trying five prisoners for murder, and misunderstood the
+drift of the evidence. Four of the prisoners seem to have assisted, but
+a witness said as to the fifth, Denis Halligan, that it was he who gave
+the fatal blow: "My lord, I saw Denis Halligan (that's in the dock
+there) take a vacancy (Irish word for 'aim' at an unguarded part) at the
+poor soul that's kilt, and give him a wipe with a _clehalpin_ (Irish
+word for 'bludgeon'), and lay him down as quiet as a child." They were
+found guilty. The judge, sentencing the first four, gave them seven
+years' imprisonment. But when he came to Halligan, who really killed the
+deceased, the judge said, "Denis Halligan, I have purposely reserved the
+consideration of your case to the last. Your crime is doubtless of a
+grievous nature, yet I cannot avoid taking into consideration the
+mitigating circumstances that attend it. By the evidence of the witness
+it clearly appears that _you_ were the only one of the party who showed
+any mercy to the unfortunate deceased. You took him to a vacant seat,
+and wiped him with a clean napkin, and you laid him down with the
+gentleness one shows to a little child. In consideration of these
+extenuating circumstances, which reflect some credit upon you, I shall
+inflict upon you three weeks' imprisonment." So Denis Halligan got off
+by the judge mistaking a vacancy for a vacant seat, and a _clehalpin_
+for a clean napkin.
+
+John Toler (Lord Norbury) was Chief Justice of the Common Pleas in
+Ireland. His humour was broad, and his absolute indifference to
+propriety often saved the situation by converting a serious matter into
+a wholly ludicrous one. His Court was in constant uproar, owing to his
+noisy jesting, and like a noted old Scottish judge he would have his
+joke when the life of a human being was hanging in the balance. Even on
+his own deathbed he could not resist the impulse. On hearing that his
+friend Lord Erne was also nearing his end at the same time, he called
+for his valet: "James," said Lord Norbury, "run round to Lord Erne and
+tell him with my compliments that it will be a _dead_-heat between us."
+
+The best illustration of the almost daily condition of things when Lord
+Norbury presided at Nisi Prius is given by himself in his reply to the
+answer of a witness. "What is your business?" asked the judge. "I keep a
+_racquet-court_, my lord."--"So do I, so do I," immediately exclaimed
+the judge. Nor did he reserve his _bon mots_ for Court merriment.
+Passing the Quay on his way to the Four Courts one morning, he noticed a
+crowd and inquired of a bystander the cause of it. On being told that a
+tailor had just been rescued from attempted suicide by drowning, his
+lordship exclaimed, "What a fool to leave his _hot goose_ for a _cold
+duck_." The boastful statement of a gentleman in his company that he had
+shot seventy hares before breakfast drew from the Chief Justice the
+sarcastic remark, "I suppose, sir, you fired at a wig."
+
+A son of a peer having been accused of arson, of which offence he was
+generally believed guilty, but acquitted on a point of insufficiency of
+evidence to sustain the indictment, was tried before Lord Norbury. The
+young gentleman met the judge next at the Lord-Lieutenant's levee in the
+Castle. Instead of avoiding the Chief Justice, the scion of nobility
+boldly said, "I have recently married, and have come here to enable me
+to present my bride at the Drawing-Room."--"Quite right to mind the
+Scripture. Better marry than burn," retorted Lord Norbury.
+
+A barrister once pressed him to non-suit the plaintiff in a case; but
+his lordship decided to let it go to a jury trial. "I do believe," said
+the disappointed advocate, "your lordship has not the _courage to
+non-suit_."--"You say, sir," replied the irate judge, "you don't believe
+I'd have the courage to non-suit. I tell you I have courage to _shoot_
+and to _non-shoot_, but I'll not non-suit for you." This same counsel
+was once horsewhipped by an army officer at Nelson's Pillar in Sackville
+Street, and applied for a Criminal Information against his assailant.
+"Certainly he shall have it," said the witty judge. "The Court is bound
+to give protection to any one who has _bled under the gallant Nelson_."
+
+On a motion before this judge, a sheriff's officer, who had the
+hardihood to serve a process in Connemara, where the king's writ _did
+not run_, swore that the natives made him eat and swallow both copy and
+original. Norbury, affecting great disgust, exclaimed: "Jackson,
+Jackson, I hope it's not made returnable into this Court."
+
+While giving a judgment on a writ of right, Lord Norbury observed that
+it was not sufficient for a demandant to say he "claimed by descent."
+"Such an answer," he continued, "would be a shrewd one for a sweep, who
+got into your house by coming down the chimney; and it would be an easy,
+as well as a sweeping, way of getting in."
+
+His lordship was attacked by a fit of gout when on Circuit, and sent to
+the Solicitor-General requesting the loan of a pair of large slippers.
+"Take them," said the Solicitor to the servant, "with my respects, and I
+hope soon to be in his lordship's shoes."
+
+At the instigation of O'Connell, Lord Norbury was finally removed from
+the Bench. A flagrant case of partiality was brought to Lord Brougham's
+notice which exasperated Lord Norbury, and he is reported to have said,
+"I'll resign to demand satisfaction. That Scottish Broom wants to be
+made acquainted with an Irish stick."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Two notorious highwaymen were charged before Chief Baron O'Grady with
+robbery, and to the surprise of all the jury returned a verdict of not
+guilty. "Mr. Murphy," said the judge to the gaoler, "you will greatly
+ease my mind by keeping these two respectable gentlemen in custody until
+seven o'clock. I leave for Dublin at five, and I should like to have at
+least two hours' start of them." There is also the story of a barrister
+who made an eloquent speech and got his client off, but he was very
+anxious to know whether the prisoner was guilty or not. "Well, sir,"
+said the man when applied to, "to tell the truth I thought I was guilty
+until I heard you speak, and then I didn't see how I could be." This at
+once recalls an old story. "Prisoner, I understand you confess your
+guilt," said the judge. "No, I don't," said the prisoner. "My counsel
+has convinced me of my innocence."
+
+On hearing that some spendthrift barristers, friends of his, were
+appointed to be Commissioners of Insolvent Debtors the Chief Baron
+remarked, "At all events, the insolvents can't complain of not being
+tried by their peers." It was the same judge who caustically observed,
+after a long and dull legal argument: "I agree with my brother J----,
+for the reasons given by my brother M----." A prisoner once was given a
+practical specimen of his lordship's wit, and must have been rather
+distressed by it. He was passing sentence upon a pickpocket, and
+ordering a punishment common at that time. "You will be whipped from
+North Gate to South Gate," said the judge. "Bad luck to you, you old
+blackguard," said the prisoner. "--And back again," said the Chief
+Baron, as if he had been interrupted in the delivery of the sentence.
+
+A cause of much celebrity was tried at a county Assize, at which Chief
+Baron O'Grady presided. Bushe, then a K.C., who held a brief for the
+defence, was pleading the cause of his client with much eloquence, when
+a donkey in the courtyard outside set up a loud bray. "One at a time,
+brother Bushe!" called out his lordship. Peals of laughter filled the
+Court. The counsel bore the interruption as best he could. The judge was
+proceeding to sum up with his usual ability: the donkey again began to
+bray. "I beg your lordship's pardon," said Bushe, putting his hand to
+his ear; "but there is such an echo in the Court that I can't hear a
+word you say."
+
+In his charges to juries, O'Grady frequently made some quaint remarks.
+There was a Kerry case in which a number of men were indicted for riot
+and assault. Several of them bore the familiar names of O'Donoghue,
+Moriarty, Duggan, &c., while among the jurymen these names were also
+found. Well knowing that consanguinity was prevalent in the district,
+the judge began his address to the jury with the significant remark: "Of
+course, gentlemen, you will acquit your own relatives." In another case
+of larceny of pantaloons which was clearly proved, but in which the
+thief got a good character for honesty, he began: "Gentlemen, the
+prisoner was an honest boy, but he stole the pantaloons."
+
+"I merely wish to address your lordship on the form of the indictment,
+if your lordship pleases," said a young barrister to the Chief Baron.
+"Oh, certainly, I will hear you with mighty great pleasure, sir; but
+I'll be after taking the verdict of the jury first," was the sarcastic
+reply.
+
+The brother of Chief Baron O'Grady once caught a boy stealing turnips
+from one of his fields and asked his lordship if the culprit could be
+prosecuted under the Timber Acts. "No," said the Chief Baron, "unless
+you can prove that your turnips are sticky."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Yelverton, first Baron Avonmore, possessed remarkable rhetorical
+ability and a highly cultivated mind. He rose rapidly at the Bar, until
+he became Chief Baron of Exchequer. He was the founder of the convivial
+order of St. Patrick, called "The Monks of the Screw," of which Curran,
+who wrote its charter song, was Prior. Avonmore was a man of warm and
+benevolent feelings, which he gave vent to in an equal degree in private
+life, in the senate, and on the Bench.
+
+Before giving an anecdote of Lord Avonmore it may interest readers,
+especially English and Scottish, to quote here the charter song of this
+famous Irish convivial club of the eighteenth century.
+
+    THE CHARTER SONG OF THE
+    MONKS OF THE SCREW
+
+    When St. Patrick this order establish'd,
+    He called us the "Monks of the Screw"!
+    Good rules he reveal'd to our Abbot,
+    To guide us in what we should do.
+    But first he replenish'd our fountain,
+    With liquor the best in the sky;
+    And he swore on the word of a saint
+    That the fountain should never run dry.
+
+    Each year when your octaves approach,
+    In full chapter convened let me find you,
+    And when to the convent you come
+    Leave your favourite temptation behind you;
+    And be not a glass in your convent,
+    Unless on a festival found;
+    And this rule to enforce I ordain it,
+    Our festival all the year round.
+
+    My brethren, be chaste till you're tempted;
+    While sober be grave and discreet;
+    And humble your bodies with fasting,
+    As oft as you've nothing to eat.
+    Yet, in honour of fasting, one lean face
+    Among you I'll always require,
+    If the Abbot should please he may wear it--
+    If not, let it come to the Prior.
+
+The last two lines hit off the appearance of the Abbot, a Mr. Doyle, and
+of the Prior, J. P. Curran. The former was a big burly man with a fat,
+jovial face, while Curran was a short and particularly spare man whose
+"lean face" always attracted attention.
+
+On a Lent Circuit, one of the Assize towns happened to be a place, of
+which one of Lord Avonmore's college contemporaries held a living: at
+his own request, the Chief Baron's reverend friend preached the Assize
+sermon. The time being the month of March the weather was cold, the
+judge was chilled, and unhappily the sermon was long, and the preacher
+tedious. After the discourse was over, the preacher descended from the
+pulpit and approached the judge, smirking and smiling, looking fully
+satisfied with his own exertions, and expecting to receive the
+compliments and congratulations of his quondam chum. "Well, my lord,"
+he asked, "and how did you like the sermon?"--"Oh! most wonderfully,"
+replied Avonmore. "It was like the peace of God--it passed all
+understanding; and--like his mercy--I thought it would have endured for
+ever."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When Plunket was at the Bar his great friend and rival was C. K. Bushe.
+The former was Attorney-General at the same time as the latter was
+Solicitor-General, and it caused him much dissatisfaction when Plunket
+learned that on a change of Government Solicitor-General Bushe had not
+followed his example and resigned office. At the time this occurred both
+barristers happened to be engaged in a case at which, when it was
+called, Bushe only appeared. On the judge inquiring of Mr. Bushe if he
+knew the reason of Mr. Plunket's absence his friend jocosely remarked,
+"I suppose, my lord, he is Cabinet-making." This pleasantry, at his
+expense, was told to Plunket by a friend, when he arrived in Court, on
+which, turning to the judge, the ex-Attorney-General proudly said, "I
+assure your lordship I am not so well qualified for Cabinet-making as my
+learned friend. I never was either a _turner_ or a _joiner_."
+
+Two eminent Irish astronomers differed in an argument on the parallax of
+a lyræ--the one maintaining that it was three seconds, and the other
+that it was only two seconds. On being told of this discussion, and
+that the astronomers parted without arriving at an agreement, Plunket
+quietly remarked: "It must be a very serious quarrel indeed, when even
+the seconds cannot agree."
+
+Once applying the common expression to accommodation bills of exchange,
+that they were _mere kites_, the judge, an English Chancellor, said "he
+never heard that expression applied before to any but the kites of
+boys."--"Oh," replied Plunket, "that's the difference between kites in
+England and in Ireland. In England the wind raises the kite, but in
+Ireland the kite raises the wind."
+
+Everybody (says Phillips) knew how acutely Plunket felt his forced
+resignation of the chancellorship, and his being superseded by Lord
+Campbell. A violent storm arose on the day of Campbell's expected
+arrival, and a friend remarking to Plunket how sick of his promotion the
+passage must have made the new Chancellor: "Yes," said the former,
+ruefully, "but it won't make him throw up the seals."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. Frankfort Moore, in his _Journalist's Notebook_, relates how Justice
+Lawson summed up in the case of a man who was charged with stealing a
+pig. The evidence of the theft was quite conclusive, and, in fact, was
+not combated; but the prisoner called the priests and neighbours to
+attest to his good character. "Gentlemen of the jury," said the judge,
+"I think that the only conclusion you can arrive at is, that the pig was
+stolen by the prisoner, and that he is the most amiable man in the
+country."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER FOUR
+
+THE BARRISTERS OF IRELAND
+
+
+     "'Men that hire out their words and anger'; that are more or
+     less passionate according as they are paid for it, and allow
+     their client a quantity of wrath proportionable to the fee
+     which they receive from him."
+
+     ADDISON: _The Spectator_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER FOUR
+
+THE BARRISTERS OF IRELAND
+
+
+The Irish counsel like the occupants of the Bench were, in early times,
+eminent for their jolly carousing. Once, about 1687, a heavy argument
+coming on before Lord Chancellor Fitton, Mr. Nagle, the solicitor,
+retained Sir Toby Butler as counsel, who entered into a bargain that he
+would not drink a drop of wine while the case was at hearing. This
+bargain reached the ears of the Chancellor, who asked Sir Toby if it was
+true that such a compact had been made. The counsel said it was true,
+and the bargain had been rigidly kept; but on further inquiry he
+admitted that as he had only promised not to _drink_ a _drop_ of wine,
+he felt he must have some stimulant. So he got a basin, into which he
+poured two bottles of claret, and then got two hot rolls of bread,
+sopped them in the claret and ate them. "I see," replied the Chancellor;
+"in truth, Sir Toby, you deserve to be master of the rolls!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: JOHN P. CURRAN, MASTER OF ROLLS.]
+
+One naturally turns to Curran for a selection of the witty sayings of
+the Irish Bar, and abundantly he supplies them, although in these days
+many of his jests may be considered as in somewhat doubtful taste.
+Phillips tells us he remembered Curran once--in an action for breach of
+promise of marriage, in which he was counsel for the defendant, a young
+clergyman--thus appealing to the jury: "Gentlemen, I entreat you not to
+ruin this young man by a vindictive verdict; for _though_ he has
+talents, and is in the Church, _he may rise_!"
+
+After his college career Curran went to London to study for the
+Bar. His circumstances were often straitened, and at times so much
+so that he had to pass the day without dinner. But under such
+depressing circumstances his high spirits never forsook him. One
+day he was sitting in St. James's Park merrily whistling a tune
+when a gentleman passed, who, struck by the youth's melancholy
+appearance while, at the same time, he whistled a lively air, asked
+how he "came to be sitting there whistling while other people were
+at dinner." Curran replied, "I would have been at dinner too, but a
+trifling circumstance--delay in remittances--obliges me to dine on
+an Irish tune." The result was that Curran was invited to dine with
+the stranger, and years afterwards, when he had become famous, he
+recalled the incident to his entertainer--Macklin, the celebrated
+actor--with the assurance, "You never acted better in your life."
+
+From Phillips again we have Curran's retort upon an Irish judge, who was
+quite as remarkable for his good humour and raillery as for his legal
+researches. Curran was addressing a jury on one of the State trials in
+1803 with his usual animation. The judge, whose political bias, if any
+judge can have one, was certainly supposed not to be favourable to the
+prisoner, shook his head in doubt or denial of one of the advocate's
+arguments. "I see, gentlemen," said Curran, "I see the motion of his
+lordship's head; common observers might imagine that implied a
+difference of opinion, but they would be mistaken; it is merely
+accidental. Believe me, gentlemen, if you remain here many days, you
+will yourselves perceive that when his lordship shakes his head, there's
+_nothing in it_!"
+
+Curran was one day engaged in a case in which he had for a junior a
+remarkably tall and slender gentleman, who had been originally intended
+to take orders. The judge observing that the case under discussion
+involved a question of ecclesiastical law, Curran interposed with: "I
+refer your lordship to a high authority behind me, who was once intended
+for the Church, though in my opinion he was fitter for the steeple."
+
+He was one day walking with a friend, who, hearing a person say
+"curosity" for "curiosity," exclaimed: "How that man murders the English
+language!"--"Not so bad as that," replied Curran. "He has only knocked
+an 'i' out."
+
+Curran never joined the hunt, except once, not far from Dublin. His
+horse joined very keenly in the sport, but the horseman was inwardly
+hoping all the while that the dogs would not find. In the midst of his
+career, the hounds broke into a potato field of a wealthy land-agent,
+who happened to have been severely cross-examined by Curran some days
+before. The fellow came up patronisingly and said, "Oh sure, you are
+Counsellor Curran, the great lawyer. Now then, Mr. Lawyer, can you tell
+me by what law you are trespassing on my ground?"--"By what law, did you
+ask, Mr. Maloney?" replied Curran. "It must be the _Lex Tally-ho-nis_,
+to be sure."
+
+During one of the Circuits, Curran was dining with a brother advocate at
+a small inn kept by a worthy woman known by the Christian name of
+Honoria, or, as it is generally called, Honor. The gentlemen were so
+pleased with their entertainment that they summoned Honor to receive
+their compliments and drink a glass of wine with them. She attended at
+once, and Curran after a brief eulogium on the dinner filled a glass,
+and handing it to the landlady proposed as a toast "Honor and Honesty,"
+to which the lady with an arch smile added, "Our absent friends," drank
+off her amended toast and withdrew.
+
+He happened one day to have for his companion in a stage-coach a very
+vulgar and revolting old woman, who seemed to have been encrusted with a
+prejudice against Ireland and all its inhabitants. Curran sat chafing in
+silence in his corner. At last, suddenly, a number of cows, with their
+tails and heads in the air, kept rushing up and down the road in
+alarming proximity to the coach windows. The old woman manifestly was
+but ill at ease. At last, unable to restrain her terror, she faltered
+out, "Oh dear; oh dear, sir! what can the cows mean?"--"Faith, my good
+woman," replied Curran, "as there's an Irishman in the coach, I
+shouldn't wonder if they were on the outlook for _a bull_!"
+
+Curran was once asked what an Irish gentleman, just arrived in England,
+could mean by perpetually putting out his tongue. "I suppose," replied
+the wit, "he's trying _to catch the English accent_."
+
+During the temporary separation of Lord Avonmore and Curran, Egan
+espoused the judge's imaginary quarrel so bitterly that a duel was the
+consequence. The parties met, and on the ground Egan complained that the
+disparity in their sizes gave his antagonist a manifest advantage. "I
+might as well fire at a razor's edge as at him," said Egan, "and he may
+hit me as easily as a turf-stack."--"I'll tell you what, Mr. Egan,"
+replied Curran; "I wish to take no advantage of you--let my _size_ be
+_chalked_ out upon your side, and I am quite content that every shot
+which hits outside that mark should _go for nothing_." And in another
+duel, in which his opponent was a major who had taken offence at some
+remark the eminent counsel had made about him in Court, the major asked
+Curran to fire first. "No," replied Curran, "I am here on your
+invitation, so you must _open the ball_."
+
+Sir Thomas Furton, who was a respectable speaker, but certainly nothing
+more, affected once to discuss the subject of eloquence with Curran,
+assuming an equality by no means palatable to the latter. Curran
+happening to mention, as a peculiarity of his, that he could not speak
+above a quarter of an hour without requiring something to moisten his
+lips, Sir Thomas, pursuing his comparisons, declared _he_ had the
+advantage in that respect. "I spoke," said he, "the other night in the
+Commons for five hours on the Nabob of Oude, and never felt in the least
+thirsty."--"It is very remarkable, indeed," replied Curran, "for
+everyone agrees that was the _driest_ speech of the session."
+
+Lord Clare (says Mr. Hayward) had a favourite dog which was permitted to
+follow him to the Bench. One day, during an argument of Curran's, the
+Chancellor turned aside and began to fondle the dog, with the obvious
+view of intimating inattention or disregard. The counsel stopped; the
+judge looked up: "I beg your pardon," continued Curran, "I thought your
+lordship had been in consultation."
+
+Curran often raised a laugh at Lord Norbury's expense. The laws, at that
+period, made capital punishment so general that nearly all crimes were
+punishable with death by the rope. It was remarked Lord Norbury never
+hesitated to condemn the convicted prisoner to the gallows. Dining in
+company with Curran, who was carving some corned beef, Lord Norbury
+inquired, "Is that hung beef, Mr. Curran?"--"Not yet, my lord," was the
+reply; "you have not _tried_ it."
+
+"A doldrum, Mr. Curran! What does the witness mean by saying you put him
+in a doldrum?" asked Lord Avonmore. "Oh, my lord, it is a very common
+complaint with persons of this description; it's merely a confusion of
+the head arising from a corruption of the heart."
+
+Angered one day in debate, he put his hand on his heart, saying, "I am
+the trusty guardian of my own honour."--"Then," replied Sir Boyle Roche,
+"I congratulate my honourable friend in the snug little sinecure to
+which he has appointed himself."
+
+But on one occasion he met his match in a pert, jolly, keen-eyed son of
+Erin, who was up as a witness in a case of dispute in the matter of a
+horse deal. Curran was anxious to break down the credibility of this
+witness, and thought to do it by making the man contradict himself--by
+tangling him up in a network of adroitly framed questions--but to no
+avail. The ostler's good common sense, and his equanimity and good
+nature, were not to be upset. Presently, Curran, in a towering rage,
+thundered forth, as no other counsel would have dared to do in the
+presence of the Court: "Sir, you are incorrigible! The truth is not to
+be got from you, for it is not in you. I see the villain in your
+face!"--"Faith, yer honour," replied the witness, with the utmost
+simplicity of truth and honesty, "my face must be moighty clane and
+shinin' indade, if it can reflect like that." For once in his life the
+great barrister was floored by a simple witness. He could not recover
+from that repartee, and the case went against him.
+
+When Curran heard that there was a likelihood of trouble for the part he
+took in 1798, and that in all probability he would be deprived of the
+rank of Q.C., he remarked: "They may take away the _silk_, but they
+leave the _stuff_ behind."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Bully" Egan had a great muscular figure, as may be guessed from the
+story of the duel with Curran. To his bulk he added a stentorian voice,
+which he freely used in Nisi Prius practice to browbeat opposing counsel
+and witnesses, and through which he acquired his _sobriquet_. On one
+occasion his opponent was a dark-visaged barrister who had made out a
+good case for his client. Egan, in the course of an eloquent address,
+begged the jury not to be carried away by the "dark oblivion of a
+brow."--"What do you mean by using such balderdash?" said a friend. "It
+may be balderdash," replied Egan, "but depend upon it, it will do very
+well for that jury." On another occasion he concluded a vituperative
+address by describing the defendant as "a most naufrageous
+ruffian."--"What sort of a ruffian is that?" whispered his junior. "I
+have no idea," responded Egan, "but I think _it sounds well_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+H. D. Grady was a strong supporter, in the Irish Parliament, of the
+Union of Great Britain and Ireland, although he represented a
+constituency strongly opposed to it; and he did not conceal the fact
+that the Government had made it worth his while to support them. "What!"
+exclaimed one of his constituents who remonstrated with him; "do you
+mean to sell your country?"--"Thank God," cried this patriot, "I have a
+country to sell."
+
+For his Court work this anti-Nationalist barrister had what he called
+his "jury-eye." When he wanted a jury to note a particular point he kept
+winking his right eye at them. Entering the Court one day looking very
+depressed, a sympathetic friend asked if he was quite well, adding, "You
+are not so lively as usual."--"How can I be," replied Grady, "my
+jury-eye is out of order."
+
+He was examining a foreign sailor at Cork Assizes. "You are a Swede, I
+believe?"--"No, I am not."--"What are you then?"--"I am a Dane." Grady
+turned to the jury, "Gentlemen, you hear the equivocating scoundrel. _Go
+down, sir!_"
+
+Judge Boyd who, according to O'Connell, was guilty of sipping his wine
+through a peculiarly made tube from a metal inkstand, to which we have
+already referred, one day presided at a trial where a witness was
+charged with being intoxicated at the time he was speaking about. Mr.
+Harry Grady laboured hard to show that the man had been sober. Judge
+Boyd at once interposed and said: "Come now, my good man, it is a very
+important consideration; tell the Court truly, were you drunk or were
+you sober upon that occasion?"--"Oh, quite sober, my Lord." Grady added,
+with a significant look at the _inkstand_, "As sober as a judge!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. Bethell, a barrister at the time of the Union of Ireland and Great
+Britain, like many of his brethren, published a pamphlet on that
+much-vexed subject. Mr. Lysaght, meeting him, said: "Bethell, you never
+told me you had published a pamphlet on the Union. The one I saw
+contained some of the best things I have ever seen in any of these
+publications."--"I am proud you think so," rejoined the other eagerly.
+"Pray what was the thing that pleased you so much?"--"Well," replied
+Lysaght, "as I passed a pastry-cook's shop this morning, I saw a girl
+come out with three hot mince-pies wrapped up in one of your
+productions!"
+
+"Pleasant Ned Lysaght," as his familiar friends called him, meeting a
+Dublin banker one day offered himself as an assistant if there was a
+vacancy in the bank's staff. "You, my dear Lysaght," said the banker;
+"what position could you fill?"--"Two," was the reply. "If you made me
+_cashier_ for one day, I'll become _runner_ the next."
+
+And it was Lysaght who made a neat pun on his host's name at a dinner
+party during the Munster Circuit. The gentleman, named Flatly, was in
+the habit of inviting members of the Bar to his house when the Court was
+held in Limerick. One evening the conversation turned upon matrimony,
+and surprise was expressed that their host still remained a bachelor. He
+confessed that he never had had the courage to propose to a young lady.
+"Depend upon it," said Lysaght, "if you ask any girl _boldly_ she will
+not refuse you, _Flatly_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+O'Flanagan, author of _The Lord Chancellors of Ireland_, writes of
+Holmes, an Irish barrister: "He made us laugh very much one day in the
+Queen's Bench. I was waiting for some case in which I was counsel, when
+the crier called, 'Pluck and Diggers,' and in came James Scott, Q.C.,
+very red and heated, and, throwing his bag on the table within the bar,
+he said, 'My lords, I beg to assure your lordships I feel so exhausted I
+am quite unable to argue this case. I have been speaking for three hours
+in the Court of Exchequer, and I am quite tired; and pray excuse me, my
+lords, I must get some refreshment.' The Chief Justice bowed, and said,
+'Certainly, Mr. Scott.' So that gentleman left the Court. 'Mr. Holmes,
+you are in this case,' said the Chief Justice; 'we'll be happy to hear
+you.'--'Really, my lord, I am very tired too,' said Mr. Holmes.
+'Surely,' said the Chief Justice, 'you have not been speaking for three
+hours in the Court of Exchequer? What has tired you?'--'Listening to Mr.
+Scott,' was Holmes' sarcastic reply."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Although rivals in their profession, C. K. Bushe had a great admiration
+for Plunket's abilities, and would not listen to any disparagement of
+them. One day while Plunket was speaking at the Bar a friend said to
+Bushe, "Well, if it was not for the eloquence, I'd as soon listen to
+----," who was a very prosy speaker. "No doubt," replied Bushe, "just as
+the Connaught man said, ''Pon my conscience if it was not for the malt
+and the hops, I'd as soon drink ditch water as porter.'"
+
+There is an impromptu of Bushe's upon two political agitators of the day
+who had declined an appeal to arms, one on account of his wife, the
+other from the affection in which he held his daughter:
+
+    "Two heroes of Erin, abhorrent of slaughter,
+    Improved on the Hebrew command--
+    One honoured his wife, and the other his daughter,
+    That 'their' days might be long in 'the land.'"
+
+A young barrister once tried to raise a laugh at the Mess dinner at the
+expense of "Jerry Keller," a barrister who was prominent in social
+circles of Dublin, and whose cousin, a wine merchant, held the contract
+for supplying wine to the Mess cellar. "I have noticed," said the
+junior, "that the claret bottles are growing smaller and smaller at each
+Assizes since your cousin became our wine merchant."--"Whist!" replied
+Jerry; "don't you be talking of what you know nothing about. It's quite
+natural the bottles should be growing smaller, because we all know _they
+shrink in the washing_."
+
+An ingenious expedient was devised to save a prisoner charged with
+robbery in the Criminal Court at Dublin. The principal thing that
+appeared in evidence against him was a confession, alleged to have been
+made by him at the police office. The document, purporting to contain
+this self-criminating acknowledgment, was produced by the officer, and
+the following passage was read from it:
+
+    "Mangan said he never robbed but twice
+    Said it was Crawford."
+
+This, it will be observed, has no mark of the writer having any notion
+of punctuation, but the meaning attached to it was, that
+
+    "Mangan said he never robbed but twice.
+    _Said it was Crawford._"
+
+Mr. O'Gorman, the counsel for the prisoner, begged to look at the paper.
+He perused it, and rather astonished the peace officer by asserting,
+that so far from its proving the man's guilt, it clearly established his
+innocence. "This," said the learned gentleman, "is the fair and obvious
+reading of the sentence:
+
+    "Mangan said he never robbed;
+    _But twice said it was Crawford_."
+
+This interpretation had its effect on the jury, and the man was
+acquitted.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There were two barristers at the Irish Bar who formed a singular
+contrast in their stature--Ninian Mahaffy was as much above the middle
+size as Mr. Collis was below it. When Lord Redsdale was Lord Chancellor
+of Ireland these two gentlemen chanced to be retained in the same cause
+a short time after his lordship's elevation, and before he was
+personally acquainted with the Irish Bar. Mr. Collis was opening the
+motion, when the Lord Chancellor observed, "Mr. Collis, when a barrister
+addresses the Court, he must stand."--"I am standing on the bench, my
+lord," said Collis. "I beg a thousand pardons," said his lordship,
+somewhat confused. "Sit down, Mr. Mahaffy."--"I am sitting, my lord,"
+was the reply to the confounded Chancellor.
+
+A barrister who was present on this occasion made it the subject of the
+following epigram:
+
+    "Mahaffy and Collis, ill-paired in a case,
+    Representatives true of the rattling size ace;
+    To the heights of the law, though I hope you will rise,
+    You will never be judges I'm sure of a(s)size."
+
+A very able barrister, named Collins, had the reputation of occasionally
+involving his adversary in a legal net, and, by his superior subtlety,
+gaining his cause. On appearing in Court in a case with the eminent
+barrister, Mr. Pigot, Q.C., there arose a question as to who should be
+leader, Mr. Collins being the senior in standing at the Bar, Mr. Pigot
+being one of the Queen's Counsel. "I yield," said Mr. Collins; "my
+friend holds the honours."--"Faith, if he does, Stephen," observed Mr.
+Herrick, "'tis you have all the tricks."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DANIEL O'CONNELL, "THE LIBERATOR."]
+
+It is told by one of O'Connell's biographers that he never prepared his
+addresses to judges or juries--he trusted to the inspiration of the
+moment. He had at command humour and pathos, invective and argument; he
+was quick-witted and astonishingly ready in repartee, and he brought all
+these into play, as he found them serviceable in influencing the bench
+or the jury-box.
+
+Lord Manners, Lord Chancellor of Ireland, stopped several of the many
+counsels in a Chancery suit by saying he had made up his mind. He, in
+fact, lost his temper as each in succession rose, and he declined them
+in turn. At last O'Connell, one of the unheard counsel, began in his
+deepest and most emphatic tone: "Well then, my lord, since your lordship
+refuses to hear my learned friend, you will be pleased to hear ME"; and
+then he plunged into the case, without waiting for any expression,
+assent or dissent, or allowing any interruption. On he went, discussing
+and distinguishing, and commenting and quoting, till he secured the
+attention of, and evidently was making an impression on, the unwilling
+judge. Every few minutes O'Connell would say: "Now, my lord, my learned
+young friend beside me, had your lordship heard him, would have informed
+your lordship in a more impressive and lucid manner than I can hope to
+do," etcetera, until he finished a masterly address. The Lord Chancellor
+next morning gave judgment in favour of O'Connell's client.
+
+He was engaged in a will case, the allegation being that the will was a
+forgery. The subscribing witness swore that the will had been signed by
+the deceased "while life was in him"--that being an expression derived
+from the Irish language, which peasants who have long ceased to speak
+Irish still retain. The evidence was strong in favour of the will, when
+O'Connell was struck by the persistency of the man, who always repeated
+the same words, "The life was in him." O'Connell asked: "On the virtue
+of your oath, was he alive?"--"By the virtue of my oath, the life was
+in him."--"Now I call upon you in the presence of your Maker, who will
+one day pass sentence on you for this evidence, I solemnly ask--and
+answer me at your peril--was there not a live fly in the dead man's
+mouth when his hand was placed on the will?" The witness was taken aback
+at this question; he trembled, turned pale, and faltered out an abject
+confession that the counsellor was right; a fly had been introduced into
+the mouth of the dead man, to allow the witness to swear that "life was
+in him."
+
+O'Connell was defending John Connor on a charge of murder. The most
+incriminating evidence was the finding of the murderer's hat, left
+behind on the road. The all-important question was as to the
+identity of the hat as that of the accused man. A constable was
+prepared to swear to it. "You found this hat?" said O'Connell.
+"Yes."--"You examined it?"--"Yes."--"You know it to be the
+prisoner's property?"--"Yes."--"When you picked it up you saw it
+was damaged?"--"Yes."--"And looking inside you saw the prisoner's
+name, J-O-H-N C-O-N-N-O-R?" (here he spelt out the name slowly).
+"Yes," was the answer. "There is no name inside at all, my lord,"
+said O'Connell, and the prisoner was saved.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Explaining to a judge his absence from the Civil Court at the time a
+case was heard, in which he should have appeared as counsel, O'Connell
+said he could not leave a client in the Criminal Court until the verdict
+was given. "What was it?" inquired the judge. "Acquitted," responded
+O'Connell. "Then you have got off a wretch who is not fit to live," said
+the judge. O'Connell, knowing his lordship to be a very religious man,
+at once replied: "I am sure you will agree with me that a man whom you
+regard as not fit to _live_ would be still more _unfit_ to die."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There was a young barrister--a contemporary of O'Connell--named Parsons,
+who had a good deal of humour, and who hated the whole tribe of
+attorneys. Perhaps they had not treated him very well, but his prejudice
+against them was very constant and conspicuous. One day, in the Hall of
+the Four Courts, an attorney came up to him to beg a subscription
+towards burying a brother attorney who had died in distressed
+circumstances. Parsons took out a one-pound note and tendered it. "Oh,
+Mr. Parsons," said the applicant, "I do not want so much--I only ask a
+shilling from each contributor. I have limited myself to that, and I
+cannot really take more."--"Oh, take it, take it," said Parsons; "for
+God's sake, my good sir, take the pound, and while you are at it bury
+twenty of them."
+
+There is a terseness in the following which seems to be inimitable.
+Lord Norbury was travelling with Parsons; they passed a gibbet.
+"Parsons," said Norbury, with a chuckle, "where would _you_ be now if
+every one had his due?"--"Alone in my carriage," replied Parsons.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Here is a young Irishman's first Bar-speech. "Your lordships perceive
+that we stand here as our grandmothers' administrators _de bonis non_;
+and really, my lords, it does strike me that it would be a monstrous
+thing to say that a party can now come in, in the very teeth of an Act
+of Parliament, and actually turn us round, under colour of hanging us
+up, on the foot of a contract made behind our backs."
+
+A learned Serjeant MacMahon was noted for his confusion of language in
+his efforts to be sublime. He cared less for the sense than the sound.
+As, for example: "Gentlemen of the jury, I smell a rat--but I'll nip it
+in the bud." And, "My client acted boldly. He saw the storm brewing in
+the distance, but he was not dismayed! He took the bull by the horns and
+he _indicted him for perjury_."
+
+Peter Burrowes, a well-known member of the Irish Bar, was on one
+occasion counsel for the prosecution at an important trial for murder.
+Burrowes had a severe cold, and opened his speech with a box of lozenges
+in one hand and in the other the small pistol bullet by which the man
+had met his death. Between the pauses of his address he kept supplying
+himself with a lozenge. But at last, in the very middle of a
+'high-falutin' period, he stopped. His legal chest heaved, his eyes
+seemed starting from his head, and in a voice tremulous with fright he
+exclaimed: "Oh! h-h!!! Gentlemen, gentlemen; I've swallowed the
+bul-let!"
+
+An Irish counsel who was once asked by the judge for whom he was
+"concerned," replied: "My lord, I am retained by the defendant, and
+therefore I am concerned for the plaintiff."
+
+A junior at the Bar in course of his speech began to use a simile of
+"the eagle soaring high above the mists of the earth, winning its daring
+flight against a midday sun till the contemplation becomes too dazzling
+for humanity, and mortal eyes gaze after it in vain." Here the orator
+was noticed to falter and lose the thread of his speech, and sat down
+after some vain attempts to regain it; the judge remarking: "The next
+time, sir, you bring an eagle into Court, I should recommend you to clip
+its wings."
+
+Mr. Tim Healy's power of effective and stinging repartee is probably
+unexcelled. He is seldom at a loss for a retort, and there are not a few
+politicians and others who regret having been foolish enough to rouse
+his resentment. There is on record, however, an amusing interlude in the
+passing of which Tim was discomfited--crushed, and found himself unable
+to "rise to the occasion."
+
+During the hearing of a case at the Recorder's Court in Dublin the
+Testament on which the witnesses were being sworn disappeared. After a
+lengthy hunt for it, counsel for the defendant noticed that Mr. Healy
+had taken possession of the book, and was deeply absorbed in its
+contents, and quite unconscious of the dismay its disappearance was
+causing.
+
+"I think, sir," said the counsel, addressing the Recorder, "that Mr.
+Healy has the Testament." Hearing his name mentioned, Mr. Healy looked
+up, realised what had occurred, and, with apologies, handed it over.
+
+"You see, sir," added the counsel, "Mr. Healy was so interested that he
+did not know of our loss. He took it for a new publication." For once
+Mr. Healy's nimble wit failed him, and forced him to submit to the
+humiliation of being scored off.
+
+In the North of Ireland the peasantry pronounce the word witness
+"wetness." At Derry Assizes a man said he had brought his "wetness" with
+him to corroborate his evidence. "Bless me," said the judge, "about what
+age are you?"--"Forty-two my last birthday, my lord," replied the
+witness. "Do you mean to tell the jury," said the judge, "that at your
+age you still have a wet nurse?"--"Of course I have, my lord." Counsel
+hereupon interposed and explained.
+
+The witness who gave the following valuable testimony, however, was
+probably keeping strictly to fact. "I sees Phelim on the top of the
+wall. 'Paddy,' he says. 'What,' says I. 'Here,' says he. 'Where?' says
+I. 'Hush,' says he. 'Whist,' says I. And that's all."
+
+The wit of the Irish Bar seems to infect even the officers of the Courts
+and the people who enter the witness-box. It is impossible, for example,
+not to admire the fine irony of the usher who, when he was told to clear
+the Court, called out: "All ye blaggards that are not lawyers lave the
+building."
+
+Irish judges have much greater difficulties to contend against, because
+the people with whom they have to deal have a fund of ready retort.
+"Sir," said an exasperated Irish judge to a witness who refused to
+answer the questions put to him--"sir, this is a contempt of Court."--"I
+know it, my lord, but I was endeavouring to concale it," was the
+irresistible reply.
+
+A certain Irish attorney threatening to prosecute a printer for
+inserting in his paper the death of a person still living, informed him
+that "No person should publish a death unless informed of the fact by
+the party deceased."
+
+A rather amusing story is told of a trial where one of the Irish jurymen
+had been "got at" and bribed to secure the jury agreeing to a verdict of
+"Manslaughter," however much they might want to return one upon the
+capital charge of "Murder." The jury were out for several hours, and it
+was believed that eventually the result would be that they would not
+agree upon a verdict at all. However, close upon midnight, they were
+starved into one, and it was that of "Manslaughter." Next day the
+particular juryman concerned received his promised reward, and in paying
+it, the man who had arranged it for him remarked: "I suppose you had a
+great deal of difficulty in getting the other jurymen to agree to a
+verdict of 'Manslaughter'?"--"I should just think I did," replied the
+man. "I had to knock it into them, for all the others--the whole eleven
+of them--wanted to acquit him."
+
+An Irish lawyer addressed the Court as _Gentlemen_ instead of _Your
+Honours_. When he had concluded, a brother lawyer pointed out his error.
+He immediately rose and apologised thus: "In the heat of the debate I
+called your honours gentlemen,--I made a mistake, your honours."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER FIVE
+
+THE JUDGES OF SCOTLAND
+
+
+    "Ye Barristers of England
+      Your triumphs idle are,
+    Till ye can match the names that ring
+      Round Caledonia's Bar.
+    Your _John Doe_ and your Richard Roe
+      Are but a paltry pair:
+    Look at those who compose
+      The flocks round Brodie's Stair,
+    Who ruminate on Shaw and Tait
+      And flock round Brodie's Stair.
+
+    *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "But, Barristers of England,
+      Come to us lovingly,
+    And any Scot who greets you not
+      We'll send to Coventry.
+    Put past your brief, embark for Leith,
+      And when you've landed there,
+    Any wight with delight
+      Will point out Brodie's Stair
+    Or lead you all through Fountainhall
+      Till you enter Brodie's Stair."
+
+    OUTRAM: _Legal and other Lyrics_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER FIVE
+
+THE JUDGES OF SCOTLAND
+
+
+From the Institution of the Court of Session by James V of Scotland till
+well into the nineteenth century, it was the custom of Scottish judges
+when taking their seat on the Bench to assume a title from an estate--it
+might even be from a farm--already in their own or their family's
+possession. So we find that nearly every parish in Scotland has given
+birth to a judge who by this practice has made that parish or an estate
+in it more or less familiar to Scottish ears. Monboddo, near Fordoun, in
+Kincardineshire, at once recalls the judge who gave "attic suppers" in
+his house in St. John Street, Edinburgh, and held a theory that all
+infants were born with tails like monkeys; but under the modern practice
+of simply adding "Lord" to his surname of Burnet, we doubt if his
+eccentric personality would be so readily remembered. Lord Dirleton's
+_Doubts_, Lord Fountainhall's _Historical Observes_, carry a more
+imposing sound in their titles than if those one-time indispensable
+works of reference had been simply named Nisbet on Legal Doubts, and
+Lauder on Historical Observations of Memorable Events.
+
+The selection of a title was an important matter with these old judges.
+When Lauder was raised to the Bench, his estate to the south-east of
+Edinburgh was called Woodhead; but it would never have done for a
+Senator of the College of Justice to be known as "Lord Woodhead," so the
+name of the estate was changed to Fountainhall, and as Lord Fountainhall
+he took his seat among "the Fifteen" as the full Bench of judges was
+then termed.
+
+These old-time judges with their rugged ferocity, corruption, and
+occasionally brave words and deeds, in a great measure present to us now
+a miniature history of Scotland in the seventeenth and eighteenth
+centuries. "Show me the man, and I will show you the law," one is
+reported to have said, meaning that the litigant with the longest purse
+was pretty certain to win his case in the long run. They delighted in
+long arguments, and highly appreciated bewilderment in pleadings; "Dinna
+be brief," cried one judge when an advocate modestly asked to be briefly
+heard in a case in which he appeared as junior counsel. But the tendency
+to delay cases in the old Courts stretched beyond all reasonable lengths
+and became a scandal to the country. It was not a question of a month or
+even a year. Years passed and still cases remained undecided, some even
+were passed on from one generation to another--a litigant by his will
+handing on his plea in the Court to his successor along with his estate.
+This protracted delay in deciding causes formed the subject of that
+highly amusing and characteristic skit on the Scottish judges for which
+Boswell was largely responsible:
+
+    THE COURT OF SESSION GARLAND
+
+    PART FIRST
+
+    The Bill charged on was payable at sight
+    And decree was craved by Alexander Wight;[1]
+    But, because it bore a penalty in case of failzie
+    It therefore was null contended Willie Baillie.[2]
+
+    The Ordinary not chusing to judge it at random
+    Did with the minutes make avizandum.
+    And as the pleadings were vague and windy
+    His Lordship ordered memorials _hinc inde_.
+
+    We setting a stout heart to a stey brae
+    Took into the cause Mr. David Rae:[3]
+    Lord Auchenleck,[4] however, repelled our defence,
+    And over and above decerned for expence.
+
+    However of our cause not being asham'd,
+    Unto the whole Lords we straightway reclaim'd;
+    And our petition was appointed to be seen,
+    Because it was drawn by Robbie Macqueen.[5]
+
+    The answer of Lockhart[6] himself it was wrote,
+    And in it no argument or fact was forgot;
+    He is the lawyer that from no cause will flinch,
+    And on this occasion divided the Bench.
+
+    Alemoor,[7] the judgment as illegal blames,
+    'Tis equity, you bitch, replies my Lord Kames;[8]
+    This cause, cries Hailes,[9] to judge I can't pretend,
+    For Justice, I see, wants an _e_ at the end.
+
+    Lord Coalston[10] expressed his doubts and his fears,
+    And Strichen[11] then in his weel weels and O dears;
+    This cause much resembles that of M'Harg,
+    And should go the same way, says Lordy Barjarg.[12]
+
+    Let me tell you, my Lords, this cause is no joke;
+    Says with a horse laugh my Lord Elliock[13]
+    To have read all the papers I pretend not to brag,
+    Says my Lord Gardenstone[14] with a snuff and a wag.
+
+    Up rose the President,[15] and an angry man was he,
+    To alter this judgment I never can agree;
+    The east wing said yes, and the west wing cried not,
+    And it carried ahere by my Lord's casting vote.
+
+    This cause being somewhat knotty and perplext,
+    Their Lordships not knowing what they'd determine next;
+    And as the session was to rise so soon,
+    They superseded extract till the 12th of June.
+
+
+    PART SECOND
+
+    Having lost it, so now we prepare for the summer,
+    And on the 12th of June presented a reclaimer;
+    But dreading a refuse, we gave Dundas[16] a fee,
+    And though it run nigh it was carried to see.
+
+    In order to bring aid from usage beyond,
+    The answers were drawn by quondam Mess John;[17]
+    He united with such art our law the civil,
+    That the counsel, on both sides, would have seen him to the devil.
+
+    The cause being called, my Lord Justice-Clerk,[18]
+    With all due respect, began a loud bark;
+    He appeal'd to his conscience, his heart, and from thence,
+    Concluded to alter, but give no expence.
+
+    Lord Stonefield,[19] unwilling his judgment to podder,
+    Or to be precipitate agreed with his brother;
+    But Monboddo[20] was clear the bill to enforce,
+    Because, he observed, 'twas the price of a horse.
+
+    Says Pitfour[21] with a wink and his hat all agee,
+    I remember a case in the year twenty-three,
+    The magistrates of Banff contra Robert Carr,
+    I remember well, I was then at the Bar.
+
+    Likewise, my Lords, in the case of Peter Caw,
+    _Superflua non nocent_ was found to be law:
+    Lord Kennet[22] also quoted the case of one Lithgow
+    Where a penalty in a bill was held _pro non scripto_.
+
+    Lord President brought his chair to the plum,
+    Laid hold of the bench and brought forward his bum;
+    In these answers, my Lords, some freedoms have been used,
+    Which I could point out, provided I chus'd.
+
+    I was for this interlocutor, my Lords, I admit,
+    But am open to conviction as long's I here do sit;
+    To oppose your precedents I quote you some clauses,
+    But Tait[23] _a priori_ hurried up the causes.
+
+    He prov'd it as clear as the sun in the sky
+    That the maxims of law could not here apply,
+    That the writing in question was neither bill nor band
+    But something unknown in the law of the land.
+
+    The question adhere or alter being put,
+    It carried to alter by a casting vote:
+    Baillie then mov'd.--In the bill there's a raze,
+    But by that time their Lordships had called a new case.
+
+
+    FOOTNOTES:
+
+     [1] Wight: a well-known advocate of the period.
+     [2] Baillie: Lord Palkemmet.
+     [3] Afterwards Lord Eskgrove.
+     [4] The father of James Boswell.
+     [5] Afterwards Lord Braxfield.
+     [6] Lord Covington.
+     [7] Andrew Pringle.
+     [8] Henry Home, who was notorious for the use of the epithet in the
+          text.
+     [9] Sir David Dalrymple, author of the _Annals of Scotland_.
+    [10] George Brown of Coalston.
+    [11] Alexander Fraser of Strichen.
+    [12] James Erskine, who changed his title to Lord Alva.
+    [13] James Veitch.
+    [14] Francis Garden, who founded the town of Laurencekirk in
+          Kincardineshire.
+    [15] Robert Dundas, first Lord President of that name.
+    [16] Henry, first Viscount Melville, the friend of Pitt.
+    [17] A nickname for John Erskine of Carnoch.
+    [18] Sir Thomas Miller of Glenlee.
+    [19] John Campbell, raised to the Bench in 1796.
+    [20] Jas. Burnet of Monboddo, who had a theory that human beings
+          were born with tails.
+    [21] James Ferguson of Pitfour. Owing to weak eyesight he wore his
+          hat on the Bench.
+    [22] Robert Bruce of Kennet.
+    [23] Clerk of Session.
+
+It was the first Lord Meadowbank, who wearying of the dry statement of a
+case made by Mr. Thomas W. Blair, broke in with the remark: "Declaim,
+sir! why don't you declaim? Speak to me as if I were a popular
+assembly."
+
+In the reign of Queen Anne there was an old Scottish judge--Lord
+Dun--who was particularly distinguished for his piety. Thomas Coutts,
+the founder of the bank now so well known, used to relate of him that
+when a difficult case came before him, as Lord Ordinary, he used to say,
+"Eh, Lord, what am I to do? Eh, sirs, I wish you would make it up!" Of
+another judge of much the same period, also noted for his strict
+observance of religious ordinances; but who, at the same time, did not
+allow these to interfere with his social habits, it is related that
+every Saturday evening he had with him his niece, who afterwards married
+a more famous Scottish judge, Andrew Fletcher, Lord Milton, Charles Ross
+who made himself prominent in the "45" Rebellion, and David Reid, his
+clerk. The judge had what was, and in some parts of Scotland still is,
+known as "the exercise," which consisted of the reading of a chapter
+from the Bible, and his form of announcing the evening devotions was:
+"Betsy (his niece), ye hae a sweet voice, lift ye up a psalm; Charles,
+ye hae a gey strong voice, read the chapter; and David, fire ye the
+plate." Firing the plate consisted of a dish of brandy prepared for the
+company, of which David took charge, and while the first part of the
+proceedings were in progress David lighted the brandy, which when he
+thought it burnt to his master's taste he blew out, and this was the
+signal for the others to stop, while the whole company partook of the
+burnt brandy. This same judge--Lord Forglen--was walking one day with
+Lord Newhall, in the latter's grounds. Lord Newhall was a grave and
+austere man, while, as may be gathered, Lord Forglen was a medley of
+curious elements. As they passed a picturesque bend of a river Lord
+Forglen exclaimed: "Now, my lord, this is a fine walk. If ye want to
+pray to God, can there be a better place? If ye want to kiss a bonny
+lass, can there be a better place?"
+
+[Illustration: SIR DAVID RAE, LORD ESKGROVE.]
+
+Sir David Rae (Lord Eskgrove), Lord Justice-Clerk of Scotland, has been
+described as a ludicrous person about whom people seemed to have nothing
+else to do but tell stories. Sir Walter Scott imitated perfectly his
+slow manner of speech and peculiar pronunciation, which always put an
+accent on the last syllable of a word, and the letter "g" when at the
+end of a word got its full value. When a knot of young advocates was
+seen standing round the fireplace of the Parliament Hall listening to a
+low muttering voice, and the party suddenly broke up in roars of
+laughter, it was pretty certain to be a select company to whom Sir
+Walter had been retailing one of the latest stories of Lord Eskgrove.
+
+He was a man of much self-importance, which comes out in his remarks to
+a young lady of great beauty who was called as a witness in the trial of
+Glengarry for murder. "Young woman, you will now consider yourself as in
+the presence of Almighty God, and of this Court; lift up your veil,
+throw off all modesty, and look _me_ in the face."
+
+Sir John Henderson of Fordell, a zealous Whig, had long nauseated the
+Scottish Civil Courts by his burgh politics. Their lordships of the
+Bench had once to fix the amount of some discretionary penalty that he
+had incurred. Lord Eskgrove began to give his opinion in a very low
+voice, but loud enough to be heard by those next him, to the effect that
+the fine ought to be £50, when Sir John, with his usual imprudence,
+interrupted him and begged him to raise his voice, adding that if judges
+did not speak so as to be heard they might as well not speak at all.
+Lord Eskgrove, who could never endure any imputation of bodily
+infirmity, asked his neighbour, "What does the fellow say?"--"He says,
+that if you don't speak out, you may as well hold your tongue."--"Oh, is
+that what he says? My lords, what I was saying was very simpell; I was
+only sayingg, that in my humbell opinyon this fine could not be less
+than £250 sterlingg"--this sum being roared out as loudly as his old
+angry voice could launch it.
+
+A common saying of his to juries was: "And now, gentle-men, having shown
+you that the panell's argument is impossibill, I shall now proceed to
+show you that it is extremely improbabill."
+
+In condemning some persons to death for breaking into Sir John
+Colquhoun's house and assaulting him and others, as well as robbing
+them, Eskgrove, after enumerating minutely the details of their crime,
+closed his address to the prisoners with this climax: "All this you did;
+and God preserve us! juist when they were sitten doon tae their denner."
+
+When condemning a tailor convicted of stabbing a soldier, the offence
+was aggravated in Lord Eskgrove's eyes by the fact that "not only did
+you murder him, whereby he was berea-ved of his life, but you did
+thrust, or push, or pierce, or project, or propell, the le-thall weapon
+through the belly-band of his regimental breeches, which were his
+Majesty's."
+
+One of the most biting of caustic jests made by a judge of the old Court
+of Session of Scotland, before its reconstruction at the beginning of
+the nineteenth century, was uttered during the hearing of a claim to a
+peerage. The claimant was obviously resting his case upon forged
+documents, and the judge suddenly remarked in the broad dialect of the
+time, "If ye persevere ye'll nae doot be a peer, but it will be a peer
+o' anither tree!" The claimant did not appreciate this idea of being
+grafted, and abandoned the case.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+To return to the stories of the earlier period of the eighteenth
+century, there is one told of Lord Halkerston. He was waited on by a
+tenant, who with a woeful countenance informed his lordship that one of
+his cows had gored a cow belonging to the judge, and he feared the
+injured animal could not live. "Well, then, of course you must pay for
+it," said his lordship. "Indeed, my lord, it was not my fault, and you
+know I am but a very poor man."--"I can't help that. The law says you
+must pay for it. I am not to lose my cow, am I?"--"Well, my lord, if it
+must be so, I cannot say more. But I forgot what I was saying. It was my
+mistake entirely. I should have said that it was your lordship's cow
+that gored mine."--"Oh, is that it? That's quite a different affair. Go
+along, and don't trouble me just now. I am very busy. Be off, I say!"
+
+And there is one of the testy old Lord Polkemmet when he interrupted Mr.
+James Ferguson, afterwards Lord Kilkerran, whose energy in enforcing a
+point in his address to the Bench took the form of beating violently on
+the table: "Maister Jemmy, dinna dunt; ye may think ye're dunting it
+_intill me_, but ye're juist _dunting it oot o' me_, man."
+
+He was reputed to be dull, and rarely decided a case upon the first
+hearing. On one occasion, after having heard counsel, among whom was the
+Hon. Henry Erskine, John Clerk, and others, in a cause of no great
+difficulty, he addressed the Bar: "Well, Maister Erskine, I heard you,
+and I thocht ye were richt; syne I heard you, Dauvid, and I thocht ye
+were richt; and noo I hae heard Maister Clerk, and I think he's richtest
+amang ye a'. That bauthers me, ye see! Sae I man een tak' hame the
+process an' wimble-wamble it i' ma wame a wee ower ma toddy, and syne
+ye'se hae ma interlocutor."
+
+"The Fifteen," as the full Bench of the old Court of Session of Scotland
+was popularly called, were deliberating on a bill of suspension and
+interdict relative to certain caravans with wild beasts on the then
+vacant ground which formed the beginning of the new communication with
+the new Town of Edinburgh spreading westwards and the Lawnmarket--now
+known as the Mound. In the course of the proceedings Lord Bannatyne fell
+fast asleep. The case was disposed of and the next called, which related
+to a right of lien over certain goods. The learned lord who continued
+dozing having heard the word "lien" pronounced with an emphatic accent
+by Lord Meadowbank, raised the following discussion:
+
+Meadowbank: "I am very clear that there was a lien on this property."
+
+Bannatyne: "Certain; but it ought to be chained, because----"
+
+Balmuto: "My lord, it's no a livin' lion, it's the Latin word for lien"
+(leen).
+
+Hermand: "No, sir; the word is French."
+
+Balmuto: "I thought it was Latin, for it's in italics."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HENRY HOME, LORD KAMES.]
+
+Henry Home (Lord Kames) was at once one of the most enlightened and
+learned of Scottish judges of the latter half of the eighteenth century,
+and one of the most eccentric. His _History of Mankind_ brought him into
+correspondence with most of the famous men and women of his day, and yet
+it was his delight to walk up the Canongate and High Street with a
+half-witted creature who made it his business to collect all the gossip
+of the town and retail it to his lordship as he made his way to Court in
+the morning. His humour was very sarcastic, and nothing delighted him
+more than to observe that it cut home. Leaving the Court one day shortly
+before his death he met James Boswell, and accosted him with, "Well,
+Boswell, I shall be meeting your old father one of these days, what
+shall I say to him how you are getting on now?" Boswell disdained to
+reply. After a witness in a capital trial at Perth Circuit concluded his
+evidence, Lord Kames said to him, "Sir, I have one question more to ask
+you, and remember you are on your oath. You say you are from
+Brechin?"--"Yes, my lord."--"When do you return thither?"--"To-morrow,
+my lord."--"Do you know Colin Gillies?"--"Yes, my lord; I know him very
+well."--"Then tell him that I shall breakfast with him on Tuesday
+morning."
+
+Lord Kames used to relate a story of a man who claimed the honour of his
+acquaintance on rather singular grounds. His lordship, when one of the
+justiciary judges, returning from the North Circuit to Perth, happened
+one night to sleep at Dunkeld. The next morning, walking towards the
+ferry, but apprehending he had missed his way, he asked a man whom he
+met to conduct him. The other answered, with much cordiality, "That I
+will do with all my heart, my lord. Does not your lordship remember me?
+My name's John ----. I have had the _honour_ to be before your lordship
+for stealing sheep!"--"Oh, John, I remember you well; and how is your
+wife? She had the honour to be before me too, for receiving them,
+knowing them to be stolen."--"At your lordship's service. We were very
+lucky; we got off for want of evidence; and I am still going on in the
+butcher trade."--"Then," replied his lordship, "we may have the honour
+of meeting again."
+
+Once when on Circuit his lordship had been dozing on the bench, a noise
+created by the entrance of a new panel woke him, and he inquired what
+the matter was. "Oh, it's a woman, my lord, accused of child
+murder."--"And a weel farred b--h too," muttered his lordship, loud
+enough to be heard by those present.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: JOHN CLERK, LORD ELDIN.]
+
+John Clerk (Lord Eldin) was one of the best-known advocates at the
+Scottish Bar in the first quarter of the nineteenth century, and
+probably the last of them to retain the old Scots style of
+pronunciation. His voice was loud and his manner brow-beating, from
+which the Bench suffered equally with his brother members of the Bar. He
+suffered from a lameness in one leg, which was made the subject of a
+passing remark by two young women in the High Street of Edinburgh one
+day as Clerk was making his way to Court. "There goes John Clerk the
+lame lawyer," said one to the other. Clerk overheard the remark, and
+turning back addressed the speaker: "The lame man, my good woman, not
+the lame lawyer."
+
+The stories of his advocate days are numerous, and many of them probably
+well known. In his retention of old Scots pronunciation he got the
+better of Lord Eldon when pleading before the House of Lords one day.
+"That's the whole thing in plain English, ma lords," he said. "In plain
+Scotch, you mean, Mr. Clerk."--"Nae maitter, in plain common sense, ma
+lords, and that's the same in a' languages." On another occasion before
+the same tribunal he had frequently referred to water, pronouncing it
+"watter," when he was interrupted by the inquiry, "Do you spell water
+with two t's in the north, Mr. Clerk?"--"No, my lord, but we spell
+mainners wi' twa n's." And there is the well-known one of his use of the
+word "enough," which in old Scots was pronounced "enow." His repetition
+of the word in the latter form drew from the Lord Chancellor the remark
+that at the English Courts the word was pronounced "enough." "Very well,
+my lord," replied Clerk, and he proceeded with his address till coming
+to describe his client, who was a ploughman, and his client's claim, he
+went on: "My lords, my client is a pluffman, who pluffs a pluff gang o'
+land in the parish of," &c. "Oh! just go on with your own pronunciation,
+Mr. Clerk," remarked the Lord Chancellor.
+
+His encounters with members of the Scottish Bench were of a more
+personal character. Indeed, for years he appears to have held most of
+them in unfeigned contempt. A junior counsel on hearing their lordships
+give judgment against his client exclaimed that he was surprised at such
+a decision. This was construed into contempt of Court, and he was
+ordered to attend at the Bar next morning. Fearing the consequences of
+his rash remark, he consulted John Clerk, who offered to apologise for
+him in a way that would avert any unpleasant result. Accordingly, when
+the name of the delinquent was called, John Clerk rose and addressed the
+Bench: "I am sorry, my lords, that my young friend so far forgot
+himself as to treat your lordships with disrespect. He is extremely
+penitent, and you will kindly ascribe his unintentional insult to his
+ignorance. You will see at once that it did not originate in that: he
+said he was surprised at the decision of your lordships. Now, if he had
+not been very ignorant of what takes place in this Court every day; had
+he known your lordships but half so long as I have done, he would not be
+surprised at anything you did."
+
+Two judges, father and son, sat on the Scottish Bench, in succession,
+under the title of Lord Meadowbank. The second Lord Meadowbank was by no
+means such a powerful judge as his father. In his Court, Clerk was
+pressing his construction of some words in a conveyance, and contrasting
+the use of the word "also" with the use of the word "likewise."
+
+"Surely, Mr. Clerk," said his lordship, "you cannot seriously argue that
+'also' means anything different from 'likewise'! They mean precisely the
+same thing; and it matters not which of them is preferred."--"Not at
+all, my lord; there is all the difference in the world between these two
+words. Let us take an instance: your worthy father was a judge on that
+Bench; your lordship is 'also' a judge on the same Bench; but it does
+not follow that you are a judge 'like wise.'"
+
+When Meadowbank was about to be raised to the Bench he consulted John
+Clerk about the title he should adopt. Clerk's suggestion was "Lord
+Preserve Us." The legal acquirements of James Wolfe Murray were not held
+in high esteem by his brethren of the Bar, and when he became a judge
+with the title of Lord Cringletie, Clerk wrote the following clever
+epigram:
+
+    "Necessity and Cringletie
+      Are fitted to a tittle;
+    Necessity has nae law,
+      And Cringletie as little."
+
+The only man on the Bench for whom John Clerk retained a respectfulness
+not generally exhibited to others in that position was Lord President
+Blair. After hearing the President overturn without any effort an
+argument he had laboriously built up, and which appeared to be regarded
+as unsurmountable by the audience who heard it, Clerk sat still for a
+few moments, then as he rose to leave the Court he was heard to say: "My
+man, God Almighty spared nae pains when He made your brains."
+
+When he ascended the Bench in his sixty-fifth year, and when his
+physical powers were declining, he received the congratulations of his
+brother judges, one of whom expressed surprise that he had waited so
+long for the distinction. "Well, you see, I did not get 'doited' just as
+soon as the rest of you," replied the new-made judge.
+
+Like the generation preceding his, Clerk was of a very convivial
+disposition. Of him the story is told that one Sunday morning, while
+people were making their way to church, he appeared at his door in York
+Place in his dressing-gown and cowl, with a lighted candle in his hand,
+showing out two friends who had been carousing with him, and in the firm
+belief that it was about midnight instead of next mid-day. At the
+termination of a Bannatyne Club dinner, where wit and wine had contended
+for the mastery, the excited judge on the way to his carriage tumbled
+downstairs and, _miserabile dictu_, broke his nose, an accident which
+compelled him to confine himself to the house for some time. He
+reappeared, however, with a large patch on his olfactory member, which
+gave a most ludicrous expression to his face. On someone inquiring how
+this happened, he said it was the effect of his studies. "Studies!"
+ejaculated the inquirer. "Yes," growled the judge; "ye've heard, nae
+doot, about _Coke upon Littleton_, but I suppose you never before heard
+of _Clerk upon Stair_!"
+
+When asked by a friend what was the difference between him and Lord
+Eldon, the Lord Chancellor of England, Eldin replied; "Oh, there's only
+an 'i' of a difference."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CHARLES HAY, LORD NEWTON.]
+
+Charles Hay (Lord Newton), known in private life as "The Mighty," has
+been described by Lord Cockburn as "famous for law, paunch, whist,
+claret, and worth." His indulgence in wine and his great bulk made him
+slumbrous, and when sitting in Court after getting the gist of a case he
+almost invariably fell fast asleep. Yet it is strange to find it
+recorded that whenever anything pertinent to the matter under discussion
+was said he was immediately wide awake and in full possession of his
+reasoning faculties. While a very zealous but inexperienced counsel was
+pleading before him, his lordship had been dozing, as usual, for some
+time, till at last the young man, supposing him asleep, and confident of
+a favourable judgment in his case, stopped short in his pleading and,
+addressing the other judges on the Bench, said: "My lords, it is
+unnecessary that I should go on, as Lord Newton is fast asleep."--"Ay,
+ay," cried Lord Newton, "you will have proof of that by and by"--when,
+to the astonishment of the young advocate, after a most luminous view of
+the case, he gave a very decided and elaborate judgment against him.
+
+Lord Jeffrey himself declared that he only went to Oxford to improve his
+accent, and according to some of the older members of the Bar of his
+days, he only lost his Scots accent and did not learn the English. A
+story of his early days at the Bar is related to the effect that when
+pleading before Lord Newton the judge stopped him and asked in broad
+Scots, "Whaur were ye educat', Maister Jawfrey."--"Oxford, my
+lord."--"Then I doot ye maun gang back there again, for we can mak'
+nocht o' ye here." But Mr. Jeffrey got back his own. For, before the
+same judge, happening to speak of an "itinerant violinist," Lord Newton
+inquired: "D'ye mean a blin' fiddler?"--"Vulgarly so called, my lord,"
+was the reply.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HENRY COCKBURN, LORD COCKBURN.]
+
+Circuit Courts were in Scotland, in the eighteenth and early years of
+the nineteenth century (as in England and Ireland), occasions for a
+great display in the county towns in which they were held. Whether the
+judges had arrived on horseback or as later in their private carriages,
+there was always the procession to the court-house, in which the
+notabilities of the district took part. Lord Cockburn, who had no
+sympathy with this part of a judge's duties, thus describes one of his
+experiences in the early days of his Circuit journeys: "Yet there are
+some of us who like the procession, though it can never be anything but
+mean and ludicrous, and who fancy that a line of soldiers, or the more
+civic array of paltry policemen, or of doited special constables,
+protecting a couple of judges who flounder in awkward gowns and wigs
+through ill-paved streets, followed by a few sneering advocates and
+preceded by two or three sheriffs or their substitutes, with their
+swords, which trip them, and a provost and some bailie-bodies trying to
+look grand, the whole defended by a poor iron mace, and advancing each
+with a different step, to the sound of two cracked trumpets, ill-blown
+by a couple of drunken royal trumpeters, the spectators all laughing,
+who fancy that all this pretence of greatness and reality of littleness
+contributes to the dignity of judges." Things are changed now. Even Lord
+Cockburn saw the change that the introduction of railways made in the
+progress of Circuit work, and with them a lesser display and more
+dignified opening of the courts of justice in local towns. But the older
+Circuits were times of much feasting and merriment, in which the judges
+of that period took their full share as well as the members of the Bar
+accompanying them. In the eyes of some of these old worthies it was part
+of the dignity of their position to sit down after Court work at two
+o'clock in the morning to a collation of salmon and roast beef, and
+drink bumpers of claret and mulled port with the provosts and other
+local worthies, although they were due in Court that same morning at
+nine to try some miserable creature for a serious crime. Lord Pitmilly
+had no stomach for such proceedings, his inclination was stronger for
+decorum and law than for revelling. Once at a Circuit town he ordered
+his servant to bring to his room a kettle of hot water. Lord Hermand on
+his way to dinner at midnight, meeting the servant, said, "God bless
+me, is he going to make a whole kettle of punch--and before supper
+too?"--"No, my lord, he's going to bed, but he wants to bathe his
+feet."--"Feet, sir! what ails his feet? Tell him to put some rum among
+it, and to give it all to his stomach."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Circuit sermon was an important part of the duties to which the
+judges had to attend in the course of their visits in the country. One
+of these that Lord Cockburn had to listen to was delivered from the
+text, "What are these that are arrayed in white robes, and whence came
+they?" There was nothing personal intended, but the ermine on the judges
+gowns naturally attracted significant glances from the other members of
+the congregation. A Glasgow clergyman and friend of the judge, not
+knowing that his lordship was present in his church, preached from the
+text, "There was in a city a judge which feared not God, neither
+regarded man." The announcement of the text directed all eyes towards
+the learned judge, which attracting the preacher's attention nearly
+prevented him from proceeding further with the service. The judge was
+the pious Lord Moncreiff, the son of the Rev. Sir Henry Wellwood
+Moncreiff, and the text stuck to him ever afterwards. But there seemed
+to have been deliberation in selection of the text made by a
+south-country minister who, before Lord Justice Boyle and Samuel
+M'Cormick, Advocate-Depute, preached from I Samuel vii. 16, "And Samuel
+went from year to year in circuit to Bethel, and Gilgal, and Mizpeh."
+The two legal gentlemen took offence at this audacious attempt to
+ridicule the Court, they identifying the places mentioned in the text as
+representing their circuit towns of Jedburgh, Dumfries, and Ayr. In this
+connection maybe told the story of Lord Hermand, beside whom stood the
+clergyman whose duty it was to offer up the opening prayer before the
+work of the Court began. He seemed to think the company had assembled
+for no other purpose than to hear him perform, and after praying loud
+and long his lordship's patience gave way, and with a decided jog of his
+elbow he exclaimed in a stage whisper, "We've a lot of business to do,
+sir."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a somewhat rare volume printed for private circulation we are
+permitted to quote the following ballad, the authorship of which may be
+easily guessed, as the circuiteer who mourns the loss of his Circuit
+days may be as easily identified.
+
+    THE EX-CIRCUITEER'S LAMENT
+
+      Ae morning at the dawning
+      I saw a Counsel yawning,
+    And heard him say, in accents that were anything but gay,
+      As sadly he was grinding
+      At a meikle multiplepoinding,--
+    The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.
+
+      Nae banter frae Lord Deas,
+      Nae promises o' fees
+    That never will be paid afore the judgment-day,
+      Nae lies dubbed "information,"
+      From the worst rogues in the nation,--
+    The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.
+
+      Nae haveral wutty witness,
+      Displaying his unfitness,
+    Tae see some sma' distinction 'tween a trial and a play,
+      Nae witness primed at lunch
+      Wi' perjuries and punch,--
+    The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.
+
+      Nae laughing-gas orations,
+      Nae treading on the patience
+    Of Judges and of Juries, who will let you say your say,
+      Yet pay but sma' attention
+      To the gems of your invention,--
+    The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.
+
+      Nae mair delightful wondering
+      At a new man blandly blundering,
+    Nae kind hints from the Court that he's gangin far astray,
+      Nae flowery depictions
+      In the teeth of ten convictions,--
+    The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.
+
+      Nae whacking ten years' sentence,
+      Wi' advices o' repentance,
+    And learn in years of leisure to admire the "law's delay."
+      Nae fell female fury,
+      Blackguarding Judge and Jury,--
+    The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.
+
+      Nay grey auld woman sobbing,
+      Nae mair you'll catch her robbing,
+    And a' the Christian virtues henceforth she will display,
+      If the Judge will but have mercy
+      (For the sixteenth time I daresay),--
+    The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.
+
+      Nae processions, nae pageants,
+      Nae pawky country agents,
+    Nae macers, nae trumpeters, wi' tipsy blare and bray,
+      Nae Councillors or Bailie,
+      Or Provost smiling gaily,--
+    The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.
+
+      Nae funny cross-examining,
+      Nae jurymen begammoning,
+    Nae laughter from the audience, nae gallery's hurrah,
+      Nae fleeching for acquittal,
+      Though you don't care a spittle,--
+    The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.
+
+      Nae playing _hocus-pocus_
+      With the _tempus_ and the _locus_,
+    Nae pleas in mitigation (a kittle job are they),
+      Nae bonny rapes and reivings,
+      Nae forgeries and thievings,--
+    The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.
+
+      Nae dinners wi' the Judges,
+      Nae drooning a' your grudges
+    In deep, deep draughts o' claret, and a' your senses tae,
+      Nae chatter wise or witty
+      On ticklish points o' dittay,--
+    The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.
+
+      Nae high-jinks after dinner
+      Wi' ony madcap sinner,
+    Nae drinking whisky-toddy until the break o' day,
+      Nae speeches till a hiccup
+      Compels a sudden stick-up,--
+    The nichts o' my Circuits are a' fled away.
+
+Lord Hermand's manner on the Bench conveyed the impression that he was
+of an impatient, almost savage temper, but in his domestic circle he was
+one of the warmest-hearted of men, and one with the simplest of tastes.
+His outbursts on the Bench, too, were emphasised by what, in Scotland,
+was called "Birr"--the emphatic energy of his pronunciation--which may
+be imagined but cannot be transcribed in the following dialogue between
+him and Lord Meadowbank.
+
+Meadowbank: "We are bound to give judgment in terms of the statute, my
+lords."
+
+Hermand: "A statute! What's a statute? Words--mere words. And am _I_ to
+be tied down by words? No, my laards; I go by the law of right reason."
+
+He was a great friend of John Scott (Lord Eldon). In a case appealed to
+the House of Lords, Scott had taken the trouble to write out his speech,
+and read it over to Hermand, inviting his opinion of it. "It is
+delightful--absolutely delightful. I could listen to it for ever," said
+Hermand. "It is so beautifully written, and so beautifully read. But,
+sir, it's the greatest nonsense! It may do very well for an English
+Chancellor, but it would disgrace a clerk with us." The blunder that
+drew forth this criticism was a gross one for a Scottish lawyer, but one
+an English barrister might readily fall into.
+
+It was put forward in mitigation of the crime that the prisoner was in
+liquor when, either rashly or accidentally, he stabbed his friend. While
+the other judges were in favour of a short sentence, Lord Hermand--who
+had no sympathy with a man who could not carry his liquor--was vehement
+for transportation: "We are told that there was no malice, and that the
+prisoner must have been in liquor. In liquor! Why, he was drunk!... And
+yet he murdered the very man who had been drinking with him! Good God,
+my laards, if he will do this when he is drunk, what will he not do when
+he is sober?"
+
+On one of Lord Hermand's circuits a wag put a musical-box, which played
+"Jack Alive," on one of the seats of the Court. The music struck the
+audience with consternation, and the judge stared in the air, looking
+unutterable things, and frantically called out, "Macer, what in the name
+of God is that?" The macer looked round in vain, when the wag called
+out, "It's 'Jack Alive,' my lord."--"Dead or alive, put him out this
+moment," called out the judge. "We can't grip him, my lord."--"If he has
+the art of hell, let every man assist to arraign him before me, that I
+may commit him for this outrage and contempt." Everybody tried to
+discover the offender, and fortunately the music ceased. But it began
+again half an hour afterwards, and the judge exclaimed, "Is he there
+again? By all that's sacred, he shall not escape me this time--fence,
+bolt, bar the doors of the Court, and at your peril let not a man,
+living or dead, escape." All was bustle and confusion, the officers
+looked east and west, and up in the air and down on the floor; but the
+search was in vain. The judge at last began to suspect witchcraft, and
+exclaimed, "This is a _deceptio auris_--it is absolute delusion,
+necromancy, phantasmagoria." And to the day of his death the judge never
+understood the precise origin of this unwonted visitation.
+
+On another occasion, in his own Court in the Parliament House, he was
+annoyed by a noise near the door, and called to the macer, "What is that
+noise?"--"It's a man, my lord."--"What does he want?"--"He _wants in_,
+my lord."--"Keep him out!" The man, it seems, did get in, and soon
+afterwards a like noise was renewed, and his lordship again demanded,
+"What's the noise there?"--"It's the same man, my lord."--"What does he
+want now?"--"He _wants out_, my lord."--"Then _keep him in_--I say,
+_keep him in_!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Lord President Campbell, after the fashion of those times, was somewhat
+addicted to browbeating young counsel; and as bearding a judge on the
+Bench is not a likely way to rise in favour, his lordship generally got
+it all his own way. Upon one occasion, however, he caught a tartar. His
+lordship had what are termed pig's eyes, and his voice was thin and
+weak. Corbet, a bold and sarcastic counsel in his younger days, had been
+pleading before the Inner House, and as usual the President commenced
+his attack, when his intended victim thus addressed him: "My lord, it is
+not for me to enter into any altercation with your lordship, for no one
+knows better than I do the great difference between us; you occupy the
+highest place on the Bench, and I the lowest at the Bar; and then, my
+lord, I have not your lordship's voice of thunder--I have not your
+lordship's rolling eye of command."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ROBERT MACQUEEN, LORD BRAXFIELD.]
+
+Robert Macqueen (Lord Braxfield), the prototype of Stevenson's "Weir of
+Hermiston," was known as the "hanging judge"--the Judge Jeffreys of
+Scotland; but he was a sound judge. He argued a point in a colloquial
+style, asking a question, and himself supplying the answer in his clear,
+abrupt manner. But he was illiterate, and without the least desire for
+refined enjoyment, holding in disdain natures less coarse than his own;
+he shocked the feelings of those even of an age which had less decorum
+than prevailed in that which succeeded, and would not be tolerated by
+the working classes of to-day. Playing whist with a lady, he exclaimed,
+"What are ye doin', ye damned auld ...," and then recollecting himself,
+"Your pardon's begged, madam; I took ye for my wife." When his butler
+gave up his place because his lordship's wife was always scolding him:
+"Lord," he exclaimed, "ye've little to complain o'; ye may be thankfu'
+ye're no mairred to her."
+
+His most notorious sayings from the Bench were uttered during the trials
+for sedition towards the end of the eighteenth century, and even some of
+these are too coarse for repetition. "Ye're a very clever chiel," he
+said to one of the prisoners; "but ye wad be nane the waur o' a
+hangin'." And to a juror arriving late in Court he said, "Come awa,
+Maister Horner, come awa and help us to hang ane o' they damned
+scoondrels." Hanging was his term for all kinds of punishment.
+
+To Margarot, a Baptist minister of Dundee--another of the political
+prisoners of that time--he said, "Hae ye ony coonsel, man?"--"No,"
+replied Margarot. "Dae ye want tae hae ony appointed?" continued the
+Justice-Clerk. "No," replied the prisoner, "I only want an interpreter
+to make me understand what your lordship says."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We have already referred to Lord Moncreiff's piety, and to it must be
+added his great simplicity of nature. Like many of his predecessors, he
+had a habit of making long speeches to prisoners on their conviction;
+but his intention was to help them to a better mode of life, not to
+aggravate their feelings by silly or coarse remarks. This habit,
+however, led him occasionally into enunciating principles which rather
+astonished his friends. In a murder case he found that the woman killed
+was not the wife of the prisoner but his mistress, which led his
+lordship to explain to the prisoner that it might have been some apology
+for his crime had the woman been his wife, because there was difficulty
+in getting rid of her any other way. But the victim being only his
+associate he could have left her at any time, and consequently there
+were absolutely no ameliorating circumstances in the case. From this
+point of view it would seem to have been (in Lord Moncreiff's eyes) less
+criminal to murder a wife than a mistress. In another, a bigamy case,
+after referring to the perfidy and cruelty to the women and their
+relations, Lord Cockburn reports him to have said: "All this is bad; but
+your true iniquity consists in this, that you degraded that holy
+ceremony which our blessed Saviour _condescended_ to select as the type
+of the connection between him and His redeemed Church."
+
+In the Court of Session, the judges who do not attend or give a proper
+excuse for their absence are (or were) liable to a fine. This,
+however, is never enforced: but it is customary on the first day of the
+session for the absentee to send an excuse to the Lord President. Lord
+Stonefield having sent an excuse, and the Lord President mentioning that
+he had done so, the Lord Justice-Clerk said: "What excuse can a stout
+fellow like him hae?"--"My lord," said the President, "he has lost his
+wife." To which the Justice-Clerk replied: "Has he? That is a gude
+excuse indeed, I wish we had a' the same."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Lord Cockburn's looks, tones, language, and manner were always such as
+to make one think that he believed every word he said. On one occasion,
+before he was raised to the Bench, when defending a murderer, although
+he failed to convince the judge and jurymen of the innocence of his
+client, yet he convinced the murderer himself that he was innocent.
+Sentence of death was pronounced, and the day of execution fixed for the
+3rd of March. As Lord Cockburn was passing the condemned man, the latter
+seized him by the gown, saying: "I have not got justice!" To this the
+advocate coolly replied: "Perhaps not; but you'll get it on the 3rd of
+March."
+
+Cockburn's racy humour displayed itself in another serious case; one in
+which a farm-servant was charged with maiming his master's cattle by
+cutting off their tails. A consultation was held on the question of the
+man's mental condition at which the farmer was present, and at the close
+of it some conversation took place about the disposal of the cattle.
+Turning to the farmer Cockburn said that they might be sold, but that he
+would have to dispose of them wholesale for he could not now _retail_
+them.
+
+He was walking on the hillside on his estate of Bonaly, near Edinburgh,
+talking to his shepherd, and speculating about the reasons why his sheep
+lay on what seemed to be the least sheltered and coldest situation on
+the hill. Said his lordship: "John, if I were a sheep I would lie on the
+other side of the hill." The shepherd answered: "Ay, my lord; but if ye
+had been a sheep ye would have had mair sense."
+
+Sitting long after the usual hour listening to a prosy counsel, Lord
+Cockburn was commiserated by a friend as they left the Court together
+with the remark: "Counsel has encroached very much on your time, my
+lord."--"Time, time," exclaimed his lordship; "he has exhausted time and
+encroached on eternity."
+
+When a young advocate, Cockburn was a frequent visitor at Niddrie
+Marischal, near Edinburgh, the residence of Mr. Wauchope. This gentleman
+was very particular about church-going, but one Sunday he stayed at home
+and his young guest started for the parish church accompanied by one of
+his host's handsomest daughters. On their way they passed through the
+garden, and were so beguiled by the gooseberry bushes that the time
+slipped away and they found themselves too late for the service. At
+dinner the laird inquired of his daughter what the text was, and when
+she failed to tell him he put the question to Cockburn, who at once
+replied: "The woman whom thou gavest to be with me she gave me of the
+fruit and I did eat."
+
+Jeffrey and Cockburn were counsel together in a case in which it was
+sought to prove that the heir of an estate was of low capacity, and
+therefore incapable of administrating his affairs. Jeffrey had vainly
+attempted to make a country witness understand his meaning as he spoke
+of the mental imbecility and impaired intellect of the party. Cockburn
+rose to his relief, and was successful at once. "D'ye ken young Sandy
+----?"--"Brawly," said the witness; "I've kent him sin' he was a
+laddie."--"An' is there onything in the cratur, d'ye think?"--"Deed,"
+responded the witness, "there's naething in him ava; he wadna ken a coo
+frae a cauf!"
+
+When addressing the jury in a case in which an officer of the army was a
+witness, Jeffrey frequently referred to him as "this soldier." The
+witness, who was in Court, bore this for a time, but at last,
+exasperated, exclaimed, "I am not a soldier, I'm an officer!"--"Well,
+gentlemen of the jury," proceeded Jeffrey, "this officer, who on his own
+statement is no soldier," &c.
+
+Patrick, Lord Robertson, one of the senators of the College of Justice,
+was a great humorist. He was on terms of intimacy with the late Mr.
+Alexander Douglas, W.S., who, on account of the untidiness of his
+person, was known by the sobriquet of "Dirty Douglas." Lord Robertson
+invited his friend to accompany him to a ball. "I would go," said Mr.
+Douglas, "but I don't care about my friends knowing that I attend
+balls."--"Why, Douglas," replied the senator, "put on a well-brushed
+coat and a clean shirt, and nobody will know you." When at the Bar,
+Robertson was frequently entrusted with cases by Mr. Douglas. Handing
+his learned friend a fee in Scottish notes, Mr. Douglas remarked: "These
+notes, Robertson, are, like myself, getting old."--"Yes, they're both
+old and dirty, Douglas," rejoined Robertson.
+
+When Robertson was attending an appeal case in the House of Lords he
+received great attention from Lord Brougham. This gave rise to a report
+in the Parliament House of Edinburgh that the popular Tory advocate had
+"ratted" to the Liberal side in politics, which found expression in the
+following _jeu d'esprit_:
+
+    "When Brougham by Robertson was told
+    He'd condescend a place to hold,
+    The Chancellor said, with wondering eyes,
+    Viewing the _Rat's_ tremendous size,
+    'That you a place would hold is true,
+    But where's the place that would hold you?'"
+
+Lord Rutherford when at the Bar put an illustration to the Bench in
+connection with a church case. "Suppose the Justiciary Court condemned a
+man to be hanged, however unjustly, could that man come into this Court
+of Session and ask your lordships to interfere?" and he turned round
+very majestically to Robertson opposing him. "Oh, my lords," said
+Robertson, "a case of suspension, clearly."
+
+When a sheriff, Rutherford, dining with a number of members of the legal
+profession, had to reply to the toast, "The Bench of Scotland." In
+illustration of a trite remark that all litigants could not be expected
+to have the highest regard for the judges who have tried their cases, he
+told the following story: A worthy but unfortunate south-country farmer
+had fought his case in the teeth of adverse decisions in the Lower
+Courts to the bitter end in one of the divisions of the Court of
+Session. After the decision of this tribunal affirming the judgment he
+had appealed against, and thus finally blasting his fondest hopes, he
+was heard to mutter as he left the Court: "They ca' themselves senators
+o' the College o' Justice, but it's ma opeenion they're a' the waur o'
+drink!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It was only a small point of law, but the two counsel were hammering at
+each other tooth and nail. They had been submitting this and that to his
+lordship for twenty minutes, and growing more and more heated as they
+argued. At last: "You're an ass, sir!" shrieked one. "And you're a liar,
+sir!" roared the other. Then the judge woke up. "Now that counsel have
+identified each other," said he, "let us proceed to the disputed
+points."
+
+A recent eminent judge of the Scottish Bench when sitting to an artist
+for his portrait was asked what he thought of the likeness. His
+lordship's reply was that he thought it good enough, but he would have
+liked "to see a little more dislike to Gladstone's Irish Bills in the
+expression."
+
+Lord Shand's shortness of stature has been a theme of several stories.
+When he left Edinburgh after sitting as a judge of the Court of Session
+for eighteen years, one of his colleagues suggested that a statue ought
+to be erected to him. "Or shall we say a statuette?" was the remark of
+another friend. His lordship lived at Newhailes--the property of one of
+the Dalrymple family, several members of which were eminent judges in
+the late seventeenth and the early eighteenth centuries--and travelled
+to town by rail. The guard was a pawky Aberdonian, and had evidently
+been greatly struck by Lord Shand's appearance, for his customary
+salutation to him, delivered no doubt in a parental and patronising
+fashion, was: "And fu (how) are ye the day, ma lordie?" His lordship's
+manner of receiving this greeting is not recorded. Still another
+anecdote on the same subject is that when still an advocate, it was
+proposed to make Mr. Shand a Judge of Assize. On the proposal being
+mentioned to a colleague famous for his caustic wit, the latter with a
+good-humoured sneer which raised a hearty laugh at the expense of his
+genial friend, remarked: "Ah, a judge of a size, indeed."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: GEORGE YOUNG, LORD YOUNG.]
+
+Lord Young's wit was of this caustic turn and not infrequently was
+intended to sting the person to whom it was addressed. An advocate was
+wending his weary way through a case one day, and in the course of
+making a point he referred to a witness who had deponed that he had seen
+two different things at one time and consequently contradicted himself.
+Lord Young gave vent to the feelings of his colleagues in the Second
+Division of the Court, when he interrupted thus:
+
+"Oh, Mr. B----, I can see more than two things at one time. I can see
+your paper, and beyond your paper I can see you, and beyond you I can
+see the clock, and I can see that you have been labouring for an hour
+over a point that is capable of being expressed in a sentence."
+
+In the course of an argument in the same division, counsel had occasion
+to refer to "Fraser" (a brother judge) "on Husband and Wife." Lord
+Young, interrupting, asked: 'Hasn't Fraser another book?'--'Yes, my
+lord, 'Master and Servant!''--'Well,' said Lord Young, 'isn't that the
+same thing?'
+
+Owing to a vacancy on the Bench having been kept open for a long period,
+Lord Young's roll had become very heavy. Hearing that a new colleague
+had been appointed, and like the late judge had adopted a title ending
+in "hill," he gratefully quoted the lines of the one hundred and
+twenty-first psalm:
+
+    "I to the hills will lift mine eyes,
+    From whence doth come mine aid."
+
+Before the same judge, two prominent advocates in their day were
+debating a case. One of them was a particularly well-known figure, the
+feature of whose pinafore, if he wore one, would be its extensive girth.
+The other advocate, who happened to be rather slim, was addressing his
+lordship: "My learned friend and I are particularly at one upon this
+point. I may say, my lord, that we are virtually in the same boat." Here
+his opponent broke in: "No, no, my lord, we are nothing of the kind. I
+do not agree with that." Lord Young, leaning across the bench, remarked:
+"No, I suppose you would need a whole boat to yourself."
+
+It is also attributed to Lord Young that, when Mr. Baird of Cambusdoon
+bequeathed a large sum of money to the Church of Scotland to found the
+lectureship delivered under the auspices of the Baird Trust, he
+remarked that it was the highest fire insurance premium he had ever
+heard of. "Possibly, my lord," observed a fire insurance manager who
+heard the remark; "but you will admit that cases occur where the premium
+scarcely covers the risk."
+
+Lord Guthrie tells that when, as an advocate, he was engaged in a case
+before Lord Young, he mentioned that his client was a Free Church
+minister. "Well," said Lord Young, "that may be, but for all that he may
+perhaps be quite a respectable man."
+
+And there is the story that when Mr. Young was Lord Advocate for
+Scotland a vacancy occurred on the Bench and two names were mentioned in
+connection with it. One was that of Mr. Horne, Dean of Faculty, a very
+tall man, and the other Lord Shand. "So, Mr. Young," said a friend,
+"you'll be going to appoint Horne?"--"I doubt if I will get his length,"
+was the reply. "Oh, then," queried the friend, "you'll be going to
+appoint Shand?"--"It's the least I could do," answered the witty Lord
+Advocate.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"What is your occupation?" asked Lord Ardwall of a witness in a case. "A
+miner, sir."--"Good; and how old are you?"--"Twenty, sir."--"Ah, then
+you are a minor in more senses than one." Whereat, no doubt, the Court
+laughed. "Now, my lord, we come to the question of commission received
+by the witness, which I was forgetting," said a counsel before the same
+judge one day. "Ah, don't commit the omission of omitting the
+commission," replied his lordship.
+
+An unfortunate miner had been hit on the head by a lump of coal, and the
+judges of the First Division of the Court of Session were considering
+whether his case raised a question of law or of fact. "The only law I
+can see in the matter," said Lord Maclaren, "is the law of gravitation."
+
+In a fishing case heard in the Court of Session some years ago, a good
+deal of evidence was led on the subject of taking immature salmon from a
+river in the north. The case was an important one, and the evidence was
+taken down in shorthand notes and printed for the use of the judge and
+counsel next day. The evidence of one of the witnesses with respect to
+certain of the salmon taken was that "some of them were kelts." When his
+lordship turned over the pages of the printed evidence next morning to
+refresh his memory, he was astonished to find it stated by one of the
+witnesses in regard to the salmon that "some of them wore kilts."
+
+Many other stories, particularly of the older judges, might be given,
+were they not too well known. We may therefore close this chapter with
+the following epigram by a Scottish writer, which is decidedly pointed
+and clever, and has the additional merit of being self-explanatory:
+
+    "He was a burglar stout and strong,
+    Who held, 'It surely can't be wrong,
+    To open trunks and rifle shelves,
+    For God helps those who help themselves.'
+    But when before the Court he came,
+    And boldly rose to plead the same,
+    The judge replied--'That's very true;
+    You've helped yourself--_now God help you!_'"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER SIX
+
+THE ADVOCATES OF SCOTLAND
+
+
+    "Ye lawyers who live upon litigants' fees,
+    And who need a good many to live at your ease,
+    Grave or gay, wise or witty, whate'er your degree,
+    Plain stuff, or Queen's Counsel, take counsel from me,
+    When a festive occasion your spirit unbends,
+    You should never forget the profession's best friends;
+    So we'll send round the wine and a bright bumper fill
+    To the jolly Testator who makes his own will."
+
+    NEAVES: _Songs and Verses_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER SIX
+
+THE ADVOCATES OF SCOTLAND
+
+
+Since days when Sir Walter Scott gathered round him at the fireplace in
+the Parliament Hall of Edinburgh a company of young brother advocates to
+hear the latest of Lord Eskgrove's eccentric sayings from the Bench,
+that rendezvous has been the favourite resort for story-telling among
+succeeding generations of counsel. While the Court is in session, they
+vary their daily walk up and down the hall by lounging round the spot
+where the future Wizard of the North proved a strong counter-attraction
+to many an interesting case being argued before a Lord Ordinary in the
+alcoves on the opposite side of the hall, which was then the "Outer
+House." It is even asserted that this same fireplace is the hatchery of
+many of the amusing paragraphs daily appearing in a column of a certain
+Edinburgh newspaper. But of all the witticisms that have enlivened the
+dull hours of the briefless barrister in that historic hall during the
+past century, none will stand the test of time or be read with so much
+pleasure as those of that prince of wits, the Hon. Henry Erskine.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE HON. HENRY ERSKINE, LORD ADVOCATE AND DEAN OF FACULTY
+OF ADVOCATES.]
+
+Hairry, as he was familiarly called both by judge and counsel, was in an
+eminent degree the "advocate of the people." It is said that a poor man
+in a remote district of Scotland thus answered an acquaintance who
+wished to dissuade him from "going to law" with a wealthy neighbour, by
+representing the hopelessness of being able to meet the expenses of
+litigation. "Ye dinna ken what ye're saying, maister," replied the
+litigious northerner; "there's no' a puir man in a' Scotland need want a
+freen' or fear a foe, sae lang as Hairry Erskine lives."
+
+When the autocratic reign of Henry Dundas as Lord Advocate was for a
+time eclipsed, Henry Erskine was his successor in the Whig interest. In
+his good-humoured way Dundas proposed to lend Erskine his embroidered
+gown, suggesting that it would not be long before he (Dundas) would
+again be in office. "Thank you," said Hairry, "I am well aware it is
+made to suit any party, but it will never be said of me that I assumed
+the abandoned habits of my predecessor."
+
+Having been speaking in the Outer House at the Bar of Lord Swinton, a
+very good, but a very slow and deaf judge, Erskine was called away to
+Lord Braxfield's Court. On appearing his lordship said: "Well, Dean" (he
+was then Dean of the Faculty of Advocates), "what is this you've been
+talking so loudly about to my Lord Swinton?"--"About a cask of whisky,
+my lord, but I found it no easy matter to make it run in his lordship's
+head."
+
+He was once defending a client, a lady of the name of Tickell, before
+one of the judges who was an intimate friend, and he opened his
+address to his lordship in these terms: "Tickell, my client, my lord."
+But the judge was equal to the occasion and interrupted him by saying:
+"Tickle her yourself, Harry, you're as able to do it as I am."
+
+Lord Balmuto was a ponderous judge and not very "gleg in the uptak" (did
+not readily see a point), and retained the utmost gravity while the
+whole Court was convulsed with laughter at some joke of the witty Dean.
+Hours later, when another case was being heard, the judge would suddenly
+exclaim: "Eh, Maister Hairry, a' hae ye noo, a' hae ye noo, vera guid,
+vera guid."
+
+Hugo Arnot, a brother advocate, a tall, cadaverous-looking man, who
+suffered from asthma, was one day munching a speldin (a sun-dried
+whiting or small haddock, a favourite article supplied at that time, and
+till a generation ago, by certain Edinburgh shops). Erskine coming up to
+Arnot, the latter explained that he was having his lunch. "So I see,"
+said Harry, "and you're very like your meat." On another occasion these
+two worthies were discussing future punishment for errors of the flesh,
+Arnot taking a liberal, and Erskine a strongly Calvinist view. As they
+were parting Erskine said to Arnot, referring to his spare figure:
+
+    "For ---- and blasphemy by the mercy of heaven
+    To flesh and to blood much may be forgiven,
+    But I've searched all the Scriptures and text I find none
+    That the same is extended to skin and to bone."
+
+Erskine's brother, the extremely eccentric Lord Buchan, who thought
+himself as great a jester as his two younger brothers, the Lord
+Chancellor of England and the Dean of Faculty of Advocates, one day
+putting his head below the lock of a door, exclaimed: "See, Harry,
+here's Locke on the Human Understanding."--"Rather a poor edition, my
+lord," replied the younger brother.
+
+Sir James Colquhoun, Baronet of Luss, Principal Clerk of Session,
+towards the close of the eighteenth century was one of the odd
+characters of his time, and was made the butt of all the wags of the
+Parliament House. On one occasion, whilst Henry Erskine was in the Court
+in which Sir James was on duty, he amused himself by making faces at the
+Principal Clerk, who was greatly annoyed at the strange conduct of the
+tormenting lawyer. Unable to bear it longer, he disturbed the gravity of
+the Court by rising from the table at which he sat and exclaiming, "My
+lord, my lord, I wish you would speak to Harry, he's aye making faces at
+me." Harry, however, looked as grave as a judge and the work of the
+Court proceeded, until Sir James, looking again towards the bar,
+witnessed a new grimace from his tormentor, and convulsed Bench, Bar,
+and audience by roaring out: "There, there, my lord, see he's at it
+again."
+
+Hugo Arnot's eccentricity took various forms. In his house in South St.
+Andrew Street, in the new town of Edinburgh, he greatly annoyed a lady
+who lived in the same tenement by the violence with which he kept
+ringing his bell for his servant. The lady complained; but what was her
+horror next day to hear several pistol-shots fired in the house, which
+was Arnot's new method of demanding his valet's immediate attendance.
+
+In his professional capacity, however, he was guided by a high sense of
+honour and of moral obligation. In a case submitted for his
+consideration, which seemed to him to possess neither of these
+qualifications, he with a very grave face said to his client: "Pray what
+do you suppose me to be?"--"Why, sir," answered the client, "I
+understood you to be a lawyer."--"I thought, sir," replied Arnot, "you
+took me for a scoundrel." On another occasion he was consulted by a
+lady, not remarkable either for youth or beauty or for good temper, as
+to the best method of getting rid of the importunities of a rejected
+admirer. After having told her story and claiming a relationship with
+him because her own name was Arnot, she wound up with: "Ye maun advise
+me what I ought to do with this impertinent fellow."--"Oh, marry him by
+all means, it's the only way to get quit of his importunities," was
+Arnot's advice. "I would see him hanged first," retorted the lady.
+"Nay, madam," rejoined Arnot, "marry him directly as I said before, and
+by the Lord Harry he'll soon hang himself."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Of the convivial habits of the Bar as well as the Bench in Scotland at
+this period many stories are told. The Second Lord President Dundas once
+refused to listen to counsel who obviously showed signs of having come
+into Court fresh from a tavern debauch. The check given by the President
+appeared to effect some sobering of the counsel's faculties and he
+immediately addressed his lordship upon the dignity of the Faculty of
+Advocates, winding up a long harangue with: "It is our duty and our
+privilege to speak, my lord, and it is your duty and your privilege to
+hear."
+
+Another counsel in a similar condition of haziness hurriedly entered the
+Court and took up the case in which he was engaged; but forgetting for
+which side he had been fee'd, to the unutterable amazement of the agent,
+delivered a long and fervent speech in the teeth of the interests he had
+been expected to support. When at last the agent made him understand the
+mistake he had made, he with infinite composure resumed his oration by
+saying: "Such, my lord, is the statement you will probably hear from my
+brother on the opposite side of the case. I shall now show your lordship
+how utterly untenable are the principles and how distorted are the
+facts upon which this very specious statement has proceeded." And so he
+went over the same ground and most angelically refuted himself from the
+beginning of his former pleading to the end.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ANDREW CROSBIE, ADVOCATE, "Pleydell."]
+
+When a barrister, pleading before Lord Mansfield, pronounced a Latin
+word with a false quantity his lordship rarely let the opportunity pass
+without exhibiting his own precise knowledge of that language. "My
+lords," said the Scottish advocate, Crosbie, at the bar of the House of
+Lords, "I have the honour to appear before your lordships as counsel for
+the Curătors."--"Ugh," groaned the Westminster-Oxford law lord,
+softening his reproof by an allusion to his Scottish nationality,
+"Curātors, Mr. Crosbie, Curātors: I wish _our_ countrymen would
+pay a little more attention to prosody."--"My lord," replied Mr.
+Crosbie, with delightful readiness and composure, "I can assure you that
+_our_ countrymen are very proud of your lordship as the greatest
+senātor and orātor of the present age."
+
+A very young Scottish advocate, afterwards an eminent judge on the
+Scottish Bench, pleading before the House of Lords, ventured to
+challenge some early judgments of that House, on which he was abruptly
+asked by Lord Brougham: "Do you mean, sir, to call in question the
+solemn decisions of this venerable tribunal?"--"Yes, my lord," coolly
+replied the young counsel, "there are some people in Scotland who are
+bold enough to dispute the soundness of some of your lordship's _own_
+decisions."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Sheriff Logan, when pleading before Lord Cunningham in a case which
+involved numerous points of form, on some of which he ventured to
+express an opinion, was repeatedly interrupted by old Beveridge, the
+judge's clerk--a great authority on matters of form--who unfortunately
+possessed a very large nasal organ, which literally overhung his mouth.
+"No, no," said the clerk, as the sheriff was quietly explaining the
+practice in certain cases. On which Logan, somewhat nettled at the blunt
+interruption, coolly replied: "But, my lord, I say: 'Yes, yes, yes,' in
+spite of Mr. Beveridge's _noes_."
+
+In the days of Sheriff Harper, Mr. Richard Lees, solicitor, Galashiels,
+was engaged in a case for a client who was not overburdened with the
+necessary funds for legal proceedings. However, he was thought good
+enough for the expenses in the case. The action went against Mr. Lees'
+client, and then Mr. Lees rose to plead for modified expenses. But the
+client leant across to speak to the lawyer and said in a hoarse whisper
+audible over the Court: "Dinna stent (limit) yoursels for the expenses
+for a haena a fardin'." This was too much even for the gravity of the
+Bench.
+
+Not many years ago, in the High Court at Glasgow, a case was heard
+before an eminent judge still on the Scottish Bench, in which the
+accused had committed a very serious assault and robbery. He was unable
+to engage counsel for his defence, and the usual course was adopted of
+putting his case in the hands of "counsel for the poor." There was
+really no defence; but the young advocate who undertook the task had to
+make the best of it, and the plea he put forward was that the accused
+was so drunk at the time he did not know what he was doing. It was the
+best thing he could do in the circumstances, as all the success he could
+expect to make with a well-known felon was a mitigation of the sentence.
+When it came to his time to address the Court, he set out in the
+following fashion: "My lord and gentlemen of the jury, you all know what
+it is to be drunk."
+
+It is most important to be exact in stating the times of the movements
+of a person accused of murder. In a recent case this point was very
+minutely examined by an advocate in the Scottish Court. One witness
+deponed that she saw the accused in a certain place at 5.40 P.M. "Are
+you sure," asked the learned counsel in a tone calculated to make a
+witness not quite sure after all, "are you sure it was not twenty
+minutes to six?" And then he seemed surprised at the laughter his
+question had raised.
+
+When Mr. Ludovick Mair, who was a very short man, was Sheriff-Substitute
+of Lanarkshire, he was called upon, at an Ayrshire Burns Club dinner, to
+propose the toast of the "Ayrshire Lasses." After alluding to the honour
+that had been conferred upon him, happily said that "Provided his fair
+clients were prepared to be 'contented wi' little and canty wi' mair,'
+he had no compunction in performing the agreeable duty."
+
+In the Glasgow Small Debt Court where the sheriff frequently presided, a
+young lawyer's exhaustive eloquence in striving to prove that his client
+was not due the sum sued for, drew from his lordship the following
+interruption: "Excuse me, sir, but throughout the conflict and turmoil
+engendered by this desperate dispute with the pursuer I presume the
+British Empire is not in any danger?"--"No, my lord," came the reply,
+"but I fear after that interrogation from your lordship my client's case
+is?"
+
+On one occasion the sheriff, becoming impatient with an agent's
+protracted speech, rebuked him thus: "Be brief, be brief, my dear sir;
+time is short and eternity is long!" And again on being asked by an
+agent not to allow a witty old Irishman to act as the spokesman of "the
+defendant" on the ground that the Irishman was not now in the
+defendant's employment, the sheriff sternly said to the would-be
+witness: "Now, answer me truthfully, mirthful Michael, are you or are
+you not in the defendant's employment?"--"Well, my lord of lords," was
+the reply, "that is to say, in the learned phraseology of the law, _pro
+tem_ I am and _ultimo_ and _proximo_ I amn't."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Two stories are told of the late Sheriff Balfour. His lordship was
+addressing a prisoner at unusual length, when he was interrupted more
+than once by a _sotto voce_ observation from his then clerk, who was
+very impatient when the luncheon hour drew near. Accustomed to this
+interruption, the sheriff, as a rule, took no notice of them. On this
+occasion, however, he threw down his quill with a show of annoyance,
+leaned back in his chair, and addressed the interrupter thus: "I say,
+Mr. ----, are you, or am I, sheriff here?" Promptly came the unabashed
+reply: "You, of course; but your lordship knows that this woman has been
+frequently here," meaning that it was idle to address words of counsel
+to the prisoner. On another occasion, the sheriff was pulled up by a
+male prisoner, who took exception to his version of the story of the
+crime, and concluded: "So you see I've got your lordship there."--"Have
+you?" was the sheriff's rejoinder. "No, but I've got you--three months
+hard."
+
+A law agent was talking at length against an opinion which Sheriff
+Balfour had already indicated. Twice the sheriff essayed in vain to
+stay the torrent that was flowing uselessly past the mill. At last, in a
+more decided tone, he asked the agent to allow him just one word, after
+which he would engage not to interrupt him again. "Certainly, milord,"
+said the agent. "Decree," said the sheriff.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Counsel who are briefless and who spend much time in perambulating the
+floor of Parliament Hall should be as careful in their dress as their
+more fortunate neighbours who jostle each other in the lobbies as they
+rush from one Court to another. A company of Americans visiting the
+Courts one day made a casual inquiry of one of the advocates "in
+waiting," who politely offered to show them all that is to be seen. As
+they were leaving, one of the party caught hold of a passing solicitor
+and after apologising for stopping him inquired: "This--this--this
+gentleman has been very good in showing us over your beautiful place.
+Would it be correct to give him something?"--"Yes, certainly," said the
+busy practitioner, "and it will be the first fee he has earned, to my
+knowledge, for the last ten years."
+
+An advocate of the present day, in trying to induce the Second Division
+of the Court of Session to reverse a decision pronounced in Glasgow
+Sheriff Court somewhat startled the Bench by reminding them that their
+lordships were only mortal after all. "Are you quite sure of that?"
+asked the presiding judge. Counsel judiciously refrained from replying
+to this poser. The incident recalls an occasion in the Second Division
+when it was presided over by Lord Justice-Clerk Moncreiff. A junior
+counsel was debating a case in the division, and, apparently finding he
+was not making much headway, invited their lordships to imagine for the
+moment that they were navvies, and to look at the question from the
+point of view of the worker. In stately tones the Lord Justice-Clerk
+informed the audacious junior that his invitation was unsuited to the
+dignity of the Court.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A learned counsel at the Bar prided himself on the juvenility of his
+appearance, and boasted that he looked twenty years younger than he was.
+He was cross-examining a very prepossessing and uncommonly
+self-possessed young woman as to the age of a person whom she knew quite
+well, but could get no satisfactory answer. "Well," he persisted, "but
+surely you must have been able to make a good guess at his age, having
+seen him often."--"People don't always look their age."--"No, but you
+can surely form a good idea from their looks. Now, how old should you
+say I am?" "You might be sixty by your looks, but judging by the
+questions you ask I should say about sixteen!"
+
+Much amusement is afforded by the answers given by witnesses to judges
+and counsel. They form the theme of legions of stories, and we append a
+selection to this chapter of legal wit of the Bar.
+
+An Irishman before Lord Ardwall was giving evidence on the question
+whether having lived eleven years in Glasgow he was a domiciled
+Scotsman. He swore that he was, and as a question of succession depended
+upon the domicile the point was of importance. The opposing counsel
+thought he had him cornered when on the list of voters for an Irish
+constituency he found the witness's name. But Pat was equal to the
+occasion. "It's a safe sate," he said; "they never revise the lists,"
+and by way of clinching the argument, he added: "Shure there's men in
+Oireland who have been in their graves for twenty years who voted at the
+last election."
+
+Legal gentlemen sometimes resort to methods not quite in accordance with
+usual practice to elicit information from stubborn witnesses. In Glasgow
+Sheriff Court one day a somewhat long and involved question was
+addressed by the cross-examining agent to a witness who, from his stout
+build and imperturbable manner, looked the embodiment of Scottish
+caution. The witness, who was not to be so easily "had," having regarded
+his questioner with a steady gaze for the space of almost a minute, at
+last broke silence: "Would you mind, sir," said he, "just repeating
+that question, and splitting it into bits?" And after the Court had
+regained its composure the discomfited agent humbly proceeded to
+subdivide the question.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In the old days when Highlanders "kist oot" (quarrelled) they resorted
+to the claymore, but the hereditary fighting spirit appears nowadays in
+an appeal to the law. Perth Sheriff Courts witness many a "bout" between
+the stalwarts, who are not amiss to clash all round if need be. "You
+must have been in very questionable company at the show?" inquired a
+sheriff of a farmer. "Weel, ma lord--you wis the last gentleman I spoke
+to that day as I was coming oot!" was his reply.
+
+The pointed insinuation to another witness in a claim case at the same
+Court. "I think I have seen you here rather often of late," drew the
+reply, "Nae doot, if a'm no takin' onybody here--then it's them that's
+takin' me!"
+
+Quite recently an old farmer in Perthshire, who had been rather severely
+cross-examined by the opposing counsel, had his sweet revenge when the
+sheriff, commenting on the case, inquired: "There seems to be a great
+deal of dram-dramming at C---- on Tuesdays, I imagine?"--"Aye, whiles,"
+was the canny reply--and immediately following it up, as he pointed
+across at the rival lawyer, he continued--"an' that nicker ower there
+can tak' a bit dram wi' the best o' them!"
+
+A young advocate, as junior in a licensing club case, had to
+cross-examine the certifying Justice of the Peace who was very diffuse
+and rather evasive in his answers. "Speak a little more simply and to
+the point, please," said counsel mildly. "You are a little ambiguous,
+you know."--"I am not, sir," replied the witness indignantly; "I have
+been teetotal for a year."
+
+It is a fact well known to lawyers that it is a risky thing to call
+witnesses to character unless you know exactly beforehand what they are
+going to say. Here is an instance in point. "You say you have known the
+prisoner all your life?" said the counsel. "Yes, sir," was the reply.
+"Now," was the next question, "in your opinion is he a man who is likely
+to have been guilty of stealing this money?"--"Well," said the witness
+thoughtfully, "how much was it?"
+
+In a County Sheriff Court his lordship addressed a witness: "You said
+you drove a milk-cart, didn't you?" "No, sir, I didn't."--"Don't you
+drive a milk-cart?" "No, sir."--"Ah! then what do you do, sir?"--"I
+drive a horse."
+
+A well-known lawyer not now in practice, who had risen from humble
+parentage to be Procurator Fiscal of his county, once got a sharp retort
+from a witness in Court. It was a case of law-burrows--well known in
+Scotland--which requires a person to give security against doing
+violence to another. A lady had assaulted a priest who in the discharge
+of his duty had been visiting her husband--a member of his flock. The
+lady was herself a Protestant, and suspected the reverend gentleman of
+designs on her husband's property for behoof of his Church. The witness
+in the box was prepared on every point, and the following dialogue
+ensued--P.F.: "Who was your father?" Lady: "My father was a gentleman."
+P.F.: "Yes, but who was he?" Lady: "He was a good man and much
+respected, although he didn't make such a noise in the world as yours."
+The P.F.'s father had been the town crier.
+
+Perhaps it was to the same lawyer who asked the question of a labouring
+man: "Are you the husband of the previous witness?" and got the answer:
+"I dinna ken onything aboot the previous witness, but if it was Mrs.
+----, a'm her man."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The macer who calls the cases coming before the judges in Court was in
+older days an interesting personality. Lord Cockburn recalls the time
+when this duty was performed by the "crier" putting his head out of a
+small window high up in the wall of the Parliament House and shouting
+down to the counsel and agents assembled below him. Now it is performed
+from a raised dais on the floor of the hall, and it is no joke when the
+macer has to call in stentorian tones such a case as "Dampskibsselskabet
+Danmary _v._ John Smith." Learned members of the Faculty approach such a
+difficulty otherwise. During "motions" one day an astute counsel said,
+"In number 11 of your lordship's roll." "What did you call it?" inquired
+the judge. "I called it number 11," naïvely replied counsel. The case
+was "Fiskiveidschlutafjelagid Island _v._ Standard Fishing Company."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The administration of the oath in Courts of Justice is apt to become
+perfunctory, and some sheriffs shorten the formula, so that it is
+administered somewhat after this fashion: "I swearbalmitygod, that I
+will tell the truth, the wholetruth, anothingbuthetruth." There is one
+sheriff more punctilious, and recently he administered the oath to a
+female witness, making her recite it in sections after him. "I swear by
+Almighty God" (pause). Witness: "I swear by Almighty God."--"As I shall
+answer to God." Witness: "As I shall answer to God."--"At the Great Day
+of Judgment." The witness stumbled over this clause, and the sheriff had
+to repeat it twice. As she ran more glibly over the concluding words,
+the sheriff remarked: "It's extraordinary how many people come to this
+Court who seem never to have heard of that great occasion."
+
+This is what took place in a Glasgow Court. Sheriff: "Repeat this after
+me, 'I swear by Almighty God.'" Witness: "I swear by Almighty God."
+Sheriff: "I will tell the truth." Witness: "I will tell the truth."
+Sheriff: "The whole truth." Witness: "I HOPE so!"
+
+In Edinburgh Sheriff Small Debt Court the oath was administered to a
+witness who was dull of hearing. "I swear by Almighty God," said the
+sheriff. The witness put his hollowed hand to his ear and asked: "Wha
+dae ye sweer by?" Many Court reporters have heard a witness swear to
+tell "the truth, the whole truth, and anything but the truth"; and one
+old lady (mistaking certain words recited by the judge) affirmed her
+determination to tell the truth "with a great deal of judgment."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+As we indicated at the beginning of this volume, stories of wit and
+humour from the ranks of agents in the legal profession are much rarer
+than in those of the Bench and the Bar. From the _Court of Session
+Garland_ we quote the following relating to a worthy practitioner in the
+days when Councillor Pleydell played "high jinks" in his favourite
+tavern.
+
+In old times some stray agents in Scotland might be found who were not
+particularly distinguished for professional attainments, and who
+sometimes could not "draw" a paper as it is termed. One of these
+worthies was impressed with the idea that his powers were equal to the
+preparation of a petition for the appointment of a factor. His clerk was
+summoned, pens, ink, and paper placed before him, and the process of
+dictation commenced: "Unto the Right Honourable." "Right Honourable,"
+echoed the clerk. "The Lords of Council and Session."--"Session,"
+continued the scribe--"the Petition of Alexander Macdonald, tenant in
+Skye--Skye--humbly sheweth--sheweth." "Stop, John, read what I've
+said."--"Yes, sir. 'Unto the Right Honourable the Lords of Council and
+Session the Petition of Alexander Macdonald, tenant in Skye, humbly
+sheweth.'"--"Very well, John, very well. Where did you stop?"--"Humbly
+sheweth--that the petitioner--petitioner"--here a pause for a
+minute--"that the petitioner. It's down, sir." Here the master got up,
+walked about the room, scratched his head, took snuff, but in vain; the
+inspiration had fled with the mysterious word "petitioner." The clerk
+looked up somewhat amazed that his master had got that length, and at
+last ventured to suggest that the difficulty might be got over. "How,
+John?" exclaimed his master. "As you have done the most important part,
+what would you say, sir, to send the paper to be finished by Mr. M----
+with a guinea?"--"The very thing, John, tak' the paper to Mr. M----,
+and as we've done the maist fickle pairt of the work he's deevilish weel
+aff wi' a guinea."
+
+We are indebted to the author of that capital collection of Scottish
+anecdote, _Thistledown_, for the following story, as illustrating one of
+the many humorous attempts to get the better of the law, and one in
+which the lawyer was "hoist with his own petard." A dealer having hired
+a horse to a lawyer, the latter, either through bad usage or by
+accident, killed the beast, upon which the hirer insisted upon payment
+of its value; and if it was not convenient to pay costs, he expressed
+his willingness to accept a bill. The lawyer offered no objection, but
+said he must have a long date. The hirer desired him to fix his own
+time, whereupon the writer drew a promissory note, making it payable at
+the day of judgment. An action ensued, when in defence, the lawyer asked
+the judge to look at the bill. Having done so, the judge replied: "The
+bill is perfectly good, sir; and as this is the day of judgment, I
+decree that you pay to-morrow."
+
+Joseph Gillon was a well-known Writer to the Signet early in the
+nineteenth century. Calling on him at his office one day, Sir Walter
+Scott said, "Why, Joseph, this place is as hot as an oven."--"Well,"
+quoth Gillon, "and isn't it here that I make my bread?"
+
+A celebrated Scottish preacher and pastor was visiting the house of a
+solicitor who was one of his flock, but had a reputation of indulging
+in sharp practice. The minister was surprised to meet there two other
+members of his flock whose relations with the solicitor were not at the
+time known to be friendly or otherwise. In course of conversation the
+solicitor, alluding to some disputed point, appealed to the minister:
+"Doctor, these are members of your flock; may I ask whether you look on
+them as black or as white sheep?"--"I don't know," answered the
+minister, "whether they are black or white sheep; but this I know, that
+if they are long here they are pretty sure to be _fleeced_."
+
+_Apropos_ of this story is the one of a Scottish countrywoman who
+applied to a respectable solicitor for advice. After detailing all the
+circumstances of the case, she was asked if she had stated the facts
+exactly as they had occurred. "Ou ay, sir," rejoined the applicant; "I
+thought it best to tell you the plain truth; you can put the lees till't
+yoursel'."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LAWYER'S TOAST
+
+At a dinner of a Scots Law Society, the president called upon an old
+solicitor present to give as a toast the person whom he considered the
+best friend of the profession. "Then," said the gentleman very slyly,
+"I'll give you 'The Man who makes his own will.'"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER SEVEN
+
+THE AMERICAN BENCH & BAR
+
+
+     "Going tew law is like skinning a new milch cow for the hide
+     and giving the meat tew the lawyers."
+
+     JOSH BILLINGS.
+
+
+     "Oh, sir, you understand a conscience, but not law."
+
+     MASSINGER: _The Old Law_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER SEVEN
+
+THE AMERICAN BENCH & BAR
+
+
+The Rev. H. R. Haweis has defined "humour as the electric atmosphere,
+wit as the flash. A situation provides atmospheric humour, and with the
+culminating point of it comes the flash." This definition is peculiarly
+applicable to the humour of the Bench and Bar when the situation
+invariably provides the atmosphere for the wit. Not less so is this the
+case in American Courts than in British. Before Chief Justice Parsons
+was raised to the Bench, and when he was the leading lawyer of America,
+a client wrote, stating a case, requesting his opinion upon it, and
+enclosing twenty dollars. After the lapse of some time, receiving no
+answer, he wrote a second letter, informing him of his first
+communication. Parsons replied that he had received both letters, had
+examined the case and formed his opinion, but somehow or other "it stuck
+in his throat." The client understood this hint, sent him one hundred
+dollars, and received the opinion.
+
+[Illustration: THEOPHILUS PARSONS, CHIEF JUSTICE OF THE SUPREME COURT OF
+MASSACHUSETTS.]
+
+He was engaged in a heavy case which gave rise to many encounters
+between himself and the opposing counsel, Mr. Sullivan. During Parson's
+speech Sullivan picked up Parson's large black hat and wrote with a
+piece of chalk upon it: "This is the hat of a d--d rascal." The lawyers
+sitting round began to titter, which called attention to the hat, and
+the inscription soon caught the eye of Parsons, who at once said: "May
+it please your honour, I crave the protection of the Court, Brother
+Sullivan has been stealing my hat and writing his own name upon it."
+
+Parsons was considered a strong judge, and somewhat overbearing in his
+attitude towards counsel. One day he stopped Dexter, an eminent
+advocate, in the middle of his address to the jury, on the ground that
+he was urging a point unsupported by any evidence. Dexter hastily
+observed, "Your honour, did you argue your own cases in the way you
+require us to do?"--"Certainly not," retorted the judge; "but that was
+the judge's fault, not mine."
+
+Patrick Henry, "the forest-born Demosthenes," as Lord Byron called him,
+was defending an army commissary, who, during the distress of the
+American army in 1781, had seized some bullocks belonging to John Hook,
+a wealthy Scottish settler. The seizure was not quite legal, but Henry,
+defending, painted the hardships the patriotic army had to endure.
+"Where was the man," he said, "who had an American heart in his bosom
+who would not have thrown open his fields, his barbs, his cellars, the
+doors of his house, the portals of his breast, to have received with
+open arms the meanest soldier in that little band of famished patriots?
+Where is the man? _There_ he stands; and whether the heart of an
+American beats in his bosom, you gentlemen are to judge." He then
+painted the surrender of the British troops, their humiliation and
+dejection, the triumph of the patriot band, the shouts of victory, the
+cry of "Washington and liberty," as it rang and echoed through the
+American ranks, and was reverberated from vale to hill, and then to
+heaven. "But hark! What notes of discord are these which disturb the
+general joy and silence, the acclamations of victory; they are the notes
+of _John Hook_, hoarsely bawling through the American camp--'Beef! beef!
+beef!'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It is sometimes imagined that eloquent oratory is everything required of
+a good advocate, and certainly this idea must have been uppermost in the
+minds of the young American counsel who figure in the following stories.
+A Connecticut lawyer had addressed a long and impressive speech to a
+jury, of which this was his peroration: "And now the shades of night had
+wrapped the earth in darkness. All nature lay clothed in solemn thought,
+when the defendant ruffians came rushing like a mighty torrent from the
+mountains down upon the abodes of peace, broke open the plaintiff's
+house, separated the weeping mother from the screeching infant, and
+carried off--my client's rifle, gentlemen of the jury, for which we
+claim fifteen dollars."
+
+There was good excuse for adopting the "high-falutin" tone in the
+second instance, that it was the lawyer's first appearance. He was
+panting for distinction, and determined to convince the Court and jury
+that he was "born to shine." So he opened: "May it please the Court and
+gentlemen of the jury--while Europe is bathed in blood, while classic
+Greece is struggling for her rights and liberties, and trampling the
+unhallowed altars of the bearded infidels to dust, while the chosen few
+of degenerate Italy are waving their burnished swords in the sunlight of
+liberty, while America shines forth the brightest orb in the political
+sky--I, I, with due diffidence, rise to defend the cause of this humble
+hog thief."
+
+And this extract from a barrister's address "out West," some fifty years
+ago, surely could not fail to influence the jury in his client's behalf.
+"The law expressly declares, gentlemen, in the beautiful language of
+Shakespeare, that where a doubt of the prisoner exists, it is your duty
+to fetch him in innocent. If you keep this fact in view, in the case of
+my client, gentlemen, you will have the honour of making a friend of him
+and all his relations, and you can allus look upon this occasion and
+reflect with pleasure that you have done as you would be done by. But
+if, on the other hand, you disregard the principles of law and bring him
+in guilty, the silent twitches of conscience will follow you all over
+every fair cornfield, I reckon, and my injured and down-trodden client
+will be apt to light on you one of these dark nights as my cat lights on
+a saucerful of new milk."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In a rural Justice Court in one of the Southern States the defendant in
+a case was sentenced to serve thirty days in jail. He had known the
+judge from boyhood, and addressed him as follows: "Bill, old boy, you're
+gwine to send me ter jail, air you?"--"That's so," replied the judge;
+"have you got anything to say agin it?"--"Only this, Bill: God help you
+when I git out."
+
+Daniel Webster was a clever and successful lawyer, who was engaged in
+many important causes in his day. In a case in one of the Virginian
+Courts he had for his opponent William Wirt, the biographer of Patrick
+Henry, a work which was criticised as a brilliant romance. In the
+progress of the case Webster brought forward a highly respectable
+witness, whose testimony (unless disproved or impeached) settled the
+case, and annihilated Wirt's client. After getting through his
+testimony, Webster informed his opponent, with a significant expression,
+that he had now closed his evidence, and his witness was at Wirt's
+service. The counsel for defence rose to cross-examine, but seemed for a
+moment quite perplexed how to proceed, but quickly assuming a manner
+expressive of his incredulity as to the facts elicited, and coolly
+eyeing the witness, said: "Mr. ----, allow me to ask you whether you
+have ever read a work called _Baron Munchausen_?" Before the witness had
+time to answer, Webster rose and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr. Wirt, for
+the interruption, but there was one question I forgot to ask my witness,
+and if you will allow me that favour I promise not to interrupt you
+again." Mr. Wirt in the blandest manner replied, "Yes, most certainly";
+when Webster in the most deliberate and solemn manner, said, "Sir, have
+you ever read Wirt's _Life of Patrick Henry_?" The effect was so
+irresistible that even the judge could not control his rigid features.
+Wirt himself joined in the momentary laugh, and turning to Webster said:
+"Suppose we submit this case to jury without summing up"; which was
+assented to, and Mr. Webster's client won the case.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In the year 1785 an Indian murdered a Mr. Evans at Pittsburg. When,
+after a confinement of several months, his trial was to be brought on,
+the chiefs of his nation were invited to be present at the proceedings
+and see how the trial would be conducted, as well as to speak in behalf
+of the accused, if they chose. These chiefs, however, instead of going
+as wished for, sent to the civil officers of that place the following
+laconic answer: "Brethren! you inform us that ----, who murdered one of
+your men at Pittsburg, is shortly to be tried by the laws of your
+country, at which trial you request that some of us may be present.
+Brethren! knowing ---- to have been always a very bad man, we do not
+wish to see him. We therefore advise you to try him by your laws, and to
+hang him, so that he may never return to us again."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There are many stories of the smart repartee of white and coloured
+witnesses and prisoners appearing before American judges, but the most
+of them bear such strong evidence of newspaper staff manufacture as to
+be unworthy of more permanent record than the weekly "fill up" they were
+designed for. Of the more reputable we select a few.
+
+Judge Emory Speer, of the southern district of Georgia, had before his
+Court a typical charge of illicit distilling. "What's your name?"
+demanded the eminent judge. "Joshua, jedge," drawled the prisoner.
+"Joshua who made the sun stand still?" smiled the judge, in amusement at
+the laconic answer. "No, sir. Joshua who made the moon shine," answered
+the quick-witted mountaineer. And it is needless to say that Judge Speer
+made the sentence as light as he possibly could, saying to his friends
+in telling the story that wit like that deserved some recompense.
+
+A newly qualified judge in Tennessee was trying his first criminal
+case. The accused was an old negro charged with robbing a hen-coop. He
+had been in Court before on a similar charge, and was then acquitted.
+"Well, Tom," began the judge, "I see you're in trouble again."--"Yes,
+sah," replied the negro. "The last time, jedge, you was ma
+lawyer."--"Where is your lawyer this time?" asked the judge. "I ain't
+got no lawyer this time," answered Tom. "I'm going to tell the truth."
+
+Judge M. W. Pinckney tells the story of a coloured man, Sam Jones by
+name, who was on trial at Dawson City, for felony. The judge asked Sam
+if he desired the appointment of a lawyer to defend him. "No, sah," Sam
+replied, "I'se gwine to throw myself on the ignorance of the cote."
+
+A Southern lawyer tells of a case that came to him at the outset of his
+career, wherein his principal witness was a negro named Jackson,
+supposed to have knowledge of certain transactions not at all to the
+credit of his employer, the defendant. "Now, Jackson," said the lawyer,
+"I want you to understand the importance of telling the truth when you
+are put on the stand. You know what will happen, don't you, if you don't
+tell the truth?"--"Yessir," was Jackson's reply; "in dat case I expects
+our side will win de case."
+
+When Senator Taylor was Governor of Tennessee, he issued a great many
+pardons to men and women confined in penitentiaries or jails in that
+State. His reputation as a "pardoning Governor" resulted in his being
+besieged by everybody who had a relative incarcerated. One morning an
+old negro woman made her way into the executive offices and asked Taylor
+to pardon her husband, who was in jail. "What's he in for?" asked the
+Governor. "Fo' nothin' but stealin' a ham," explained the wife. "You
+don't want me to pardon him," argued the Governor. "If he got out he
+would only make trouble for you again."--"'Deed I does want him out ob
+dat place!" she objected. "I needs dat man."--"Why do you need him?"
+inquired Taylor, patiently. "Me an' de chillun," she said, seriously,
+"needs another ham."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Etiquette in the matter of dress was, in early days, of little or no
+consequence with American lawyers, especially in the Southern States. In
+South Carolina this neglect of the rigid observance of English rules on
+the part of Mr. Petigru, a well-known barrister, gave rise to the
+following passage between the Bench and the Bar.
+
+"Mr. Petigru," said the judge, "you have on a light coat. You can't
+speak."
+
+"May it please the Bench," said the barrister, "I conform strictly to
+the law. Let me illustrate. The law says the barrister shall wear a
+black gown and coat, and your honour thinks that means a black coat?"
+
+"Yes," said the judge.
+
+"Well, the law also says the sheriff shall wear a cocked hat and sword.
+Does your honour hold that the sword must be cocked as well as the hat?"
+
+He was permitted to go on.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In the United States, as elsewhere, the average juryman is not very well
+versed in the fine distinctions of the law. On these it is the judge's
+duty to instruct him. What guidance the jury got from the explanation of
+what constitutes murder is not quite clear to the lay mind, however
+satisfactory it may have appeared to the judge.
+
+"Gentlemen," he stated, with admirable lucidity, "murder is where a man
+is murderously killed. The killer in such a case is a murderer. Now,
+murder by poison is just as much murder as murder with a gun, pistol, or
+knife. It is the simple act of murdering that constitutes murder in the
+eye of the law. Don't let the idea of murder and manslaughter confound
+you. Murder is one thing; manslaughter is quite another. Consequently,
+if there has been a murder, and it is not manslaughter, then it must be
+murder. Don't let this point escape you."
+
+"Self-murder has nothing to do with this case. According to Blackstone
+and other legal writers, one man cannot commit _felo-de-se_ upon
+another; and this is my opinion. Gentlemen, murder is murder. The murder
+of a brother is called fratricide; the murder of a father is called
+parricide, but that don't enter into this case. As I have said before,
+murder is emphatically murder."
+
+"You will consider your verdict, gentlemen, and make up your minds
+according to the law and the evidence, not forgetting the explanation I
+have given you."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There is a delightful frankness about the address submitted to the
+electors by a candidate who solicited their support for the position of
+sheriff in one of the provinces of the United States, but its honesty
+cannot be questioned:
+
+"Gentlemen, I offer myself a candidate for sheriff; I have been a
+revolutionary officer; fought many bloody battles, suffered hunger,
+toil, heat; got honourable scars, but little pay. I will tell you
+plainly how I shall discharge my duty should I be so happy as to obtain
+a majority of your suffrages. If writs are put into my hands against any
+of you, I will take you if I can, and, unless you can get bail, I will
+deliver you over to the keeper of the gaol. Secondly, if judgments are
+found against you, and executions directed to me, I will sell your
+property as the law directs, without favour or affection; if there be
+any surplus money, I will punctually remit it. Thirdly, if any of you
+should commit a crime (which God forbid!) that requires capital
+punishment, according to law, I will hang you up by the neck till you
+are dead."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: RUFUS CHOATE, LEADER OF THE MASSACHUSETTS BAR.]
+
+Rufus Choate was designated _the_ leader of the Massachusetts Bar--a
+distinctive title which long outlived him and marked the sense of esteem
+in which he was held by his brother lawyers, as well as indicating his
+outstanding ability and success.
+
+In 1841 a divorce case was tried in America, and a young woman named
+Abigail Bell was the chief witness of the adultery of the wife. Sumner,
+for the defence, cross-examined Abigail. "Are you married?"--"No."--"Any
+children?"--"No."--"Have you a child?" Here there was a long pause, and
+then at last the witness feebly replied, "Yes." Sumner sat down with an
+air of triumph. Rufus Choate was advocate for the husband, who claimed
+the divorce, and after enlarging on other things, said, "Gentlemen,
+Abigail Bell's evidence is before you." Raising himself proudly, he
+continued, "I solemnly assert there is not the shadow of a shade of
+doubt or suspicion on that evidence or on her character." Everybody
+looked surprised, and he went on: "What though in an unguarded moment
+she may have trusted too much to the young man to whom she had pledged
+her untried affections; to whom she was to be wedded on the next Lord's
+Day; and who was suddenly struck dead at her feet by a stroke of
+lightning out of the heavens!" This was delivered with such tragic
+effect that Choate, majestically pausing, saw the jury had taken the
+cue, and he went on triumphantly to the end. He afterwards told his
+friends that he had a right to make any supposition consistent with the
+witness's innocence.
+
+A client went to consult him as to the proper redress for an intolerable
+insult and wrong he had just suffered. He had been in a dispute with a
+waiter at the hotel, who in a paroxysm of rage and contempt told the
+client "to go to ----." "Now," said the client, "I ask you, Mr. Choate,
+as one learned in the law, and as my legal adviser, what course under
+these circumstances I ought to take to punish this outrageous insult."
+Choate looked grave, and told the client to repeat slowly all the
+incidents preceding this outburst, telling him to be careful not to omit
+anything, and when this was done Choate stood for a while as if in deep
+thought and revolving an abstruse subject; he then gravely said: "I have
+been running over in my head all the statutes of the United States, and
+all the statutes of the commonwealth of Massachusetts, and all the
+decisions of all the judges in our Courts therein, and I may say that I
+am thoroughly satisfied that there is nothing in any of them that will
+require you to go to the place you have mentioned. And if you will take
+my advice then I say decidedly--_don't go_."
+
+Choate defended a blacksmith whose creditor had seized some iron that a
+friend had lent him to assist in the business after a bankruptcy. The
+seizure of the iron was said to have been made harshly. Choate thus
+described it: "He arrested the arm of industry as it fell towards the
+anvil; he put out the breath of his bellows; he extinguished the fire
+upon his hearthstone. Like pirates in a gale at sea, his enemies swept
+everything by the board, leaving, gentlemen of the jury, not so
+much--not so much as a horseshoe to nail upon the doorpost to keep the
+witches off." The blacksmith, sitting behind, was seen to have tears in
+his eyes at this description, and a friend noticing it, said, "Why, Tom,
+what's the matter with you? What are you blubbering about?"--"I had no
+idea," said Tom in a whisper, "that I had been so abominably
+ab-ab-bused."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A veteran member of the Baltimore Bar tells of an amusing
+cross-examination in a Court of that city. The witness seemed disposed
+to dodge the questions of counsel for the defence. "Sir," admonished the
+counsel sternly, "you need not tell us your impressions. We want facts.
+We are quite competent to form our own impressions. Now, sir, answer me
+categorically." From that time on he got little more than "yes" and
+"no" from the witness. Presently counsel asked: "You say that you live
+next door to the defendant."--"Yes."--"To the south of him?"--"No."--"To
+the north?"--"No."--"Well, to the east then?"--"No."--"Ah," exclaimed
+the counsel sarcastically, "we are likely now to get down to the one
+real fact. You live to the west of him, do you not?"--"No."--"How is
+that, sir?" the astounded counsel asked. "You say you live next door to
+the defendant, yet he lives neither north, south, east, or west of you.
+What do you mean by that, sir?" Whereupon the witness "came back." "I
+thought perhaps you were competent to form the impression that we lived
+in a flat," said the witness calmly; "but I see I must inform you that
+he lives next door above me."
+
+In the Supreme Court of the United States the President interrupted
+counsel in the course of a long speech by saying: "Mr. Jones, you must
+give this Court credit for knowing _something_."--"That's all very
+well," replied the advocate (who came from a Western State), "but that's
+exactly the mistake I made in the Court below."
+
+In a suit for damages against a grasping railway corporation for killing
+a cow, the attorney for the plaintiff, addressing the twelve Arkansas
+good men and true who were sitting in judgment, and on their respective
+shoulder-blades, said: "Gentlemen of the jury, if the train had been
+running as slow as it should have been ran, if the bell had been rung as
+it 'ort to have been rang, or the whistle had been blown as it 'ort to
+have been blew, none of which was did, the cow would not have been
+injured when she was killed."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Although not strictly a story of either the Bench or the Bar of America,
+it is so pertinent to the latter that we cannot omit the following told
+by the Scottish clergyman, the late Dr. Gillespie of Mouswold, in his
+amusing collection of anecdotes.
+
+A young American lady was his guest at the manse while a young Scottish
+advocate was spending a holiday in the neighbourhood. He was invited to
+dine at the manse, and took the young lady in to dinner, and kept
+teasing her in a lively, good-natured manner about American people and
+institutions, while it may be guessed his neighbour held her own, as
+most American girls are well able to do. At length the advocate asked,
+"Miss ----, have you any lawyers in America?" She knowing what
+profession he belonged to replied quick as thought, "Oh yes, Mr. ----,
+lots of lawyers. I've a brother a lawyer. Whenever we've a member of a
+family a bigger liar than another, we make him a lawyer."
+
+A quaint decision was given by Judge Kimmel, of the Supreme Court at
+St. Louis, in an application for divorce by Mrs. Quan. The judge
+directed Patrick J. Egan, a policeman, to supervise the domestic affairs
+of the couple, and to visit their home daily for thirty days. After
+questioning the wife closely on her attitude towards her husband and his
+treatment of her, Egan wrote down for the wife's guidance a long array
+of precepts. Among these were the following:
+
+"Don't remonstrate with your husband when he has been drinking. Wait
+until next morning. Then give him a cup of coffee for his headache.
+Afterwards lead him into the parlour, put your arms about him, and give
+him a lecture. It will have more weight with him than any number of
+quarrels.
+
+"If he has to drink, let him have it at home.
+
+"Avoid mothers-in-law. Don't let them live with you or interfere in your
+affairs.
+
+"If you must have your own way, do not let your husband know you are
+trying to boss him. Have your own way by letting him think he is having
+his.
+
+"Dress to suit your husband's taste and income. Husbands usually don't
+like their wives to wear tight dresses. Consult him on these matters.
+
+"Don't be jealous or give your husband cause for jealousy.
+
+"When your husband is in a bad humour, be in a good humour. It may be
+difficult, but it will pay."
+
+The policeman-philosopher's precepts were duly printed, framed, and
+placed against the wall of the family sitting-room. After paying only
+fifteen of the thirty visits to the house directed by the judge, the
+results could not have been more gratifying. Mr. and Mrs. Quan were
+delighted, and presented the guide to martial bliss with a handsome
+token of their gratitude in the form of a gold watch.
+
+Many of the droll sayings of the American Bench of past years are
+attributable to the fact that the judges were appointed by popular vote,
+and the successful candidate was not always a man of high attainments in
+the practice of his profession at the Bar, or of profound learning in
+the laws of his country. Too often he was a man of no better education
+than the mass of litigants upon whose causes he was called to
+adjudicate. For instance, a Kentuckian judge cut short a tedious and
+long-winded counsel by suddenly breaking into his speech with: "If the
+Court is right, and she thinks she air, why, then, you are wrong, and
+you knows you is. Shut up!"
+
+"What are you reading from?" demanded Judge Dowling, who had in his
+earlier life been a fireman and later a police officer. "From the
+statutes of 1876, your honour," was the reply. "Well, you needn't read
+any more," retorted the judge; "I'm judge in this Court, and my statutes
+are good enough law for anybody." A codified law and precedent cases
+were of no account to this "equity" judge.
+
+But these are mild instances of the methods of early American judges
+compared with the summing up of Judge Rodgers--Old Kye, as he was
+called--in an action for wrongful dismissal brought before him by an
+overseer. "The jury," said his honour, "will take notice that this Court
+is well acquainted with the nature of the case. When this Court first
+started in the world it followed the business of overseering, and if
+there is a business which this Court understands, it's hosses, mules,
+and niggers; though this Court never overseed in its life for less than
+eight hundred dollars. And this Court in hoss-racing was always
+naterally gifted; and this Court in running a quarter race whar the
+hosses was turned could allers turn a hoss so as to gain fifteen feet in
+a race; and on a certain occasion it was one of the conditions of the
+race that Kye Rodgers shouldn't turn narry of the hosses." Surely it
+must have been Old Kye who, upon taking his official seat for the first
+time, said: "If this Court know her duty, and she thinks she do, justice
+will walk over this track with her head and tail up."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+On a divorce case coming before a Western administrator of the law,
+Judge A. Smith, he thus addressed the plaintiff's counsel, who was
+awaiting the arrival of his opponent to open proceedings. "I don't
+think people ought to be compelled to live together when they don't want
+to do so. I will decree a divorce in this case." Thereupon they were
+declared to be no longer man and wife. At this juncture the defendant's
+counsel entered the Court and expressed surprise that the judge had not
+at least heard one side of the case, much less both sides, and protested
+against such over-hasty proceedings. But to all his protestations the
+judge turned a deaf ear; only informing him that no objections could now
+be raised after decree had been pronounced. "But," he added, "if you
+want to argue the case 'right bad,' the Court will marry the couple
+again, and you can then have your say out."
+
+Breach of promise cases generally afford plenty of amusement to the
+public, both in the United States and Great Britain, but it is only in
+early American Courts that we hear of a judge adding to the hilarity by
+congratulating the successful party to the suit. A young American belle
+sued her faithless sweetheart, and claimed damages laid at one hundred
+dollars. The defendant pleaded that after an intimate acquaintance with
+the family, he found it was impossible to live comfortably with his
+intended mother-in-law, who was to take up residence with her daughter
+after the marriage, and he refused to fulfil his promise. "Would you
+rather live with your mother-in-law, or pay _two hundred_ dollars?"
+inquired the judge. "Pay two hundred dollars," was the prompt reply.
+Said the judge: "Young man, let me shake hands with you. There was a
+time in my life when I was in the same situation as you are in now. Had
+I possessed your firmness, I should have been spared twenty-five years
+of trouble. I had the alternative of marrying or paying a hundred and
+twenty-five dollars. Being poor, I married; and for twenty-five years
+have I regretted it. I am happy to meet with a man of your stamp. The
+plaintiff must pay ten dollars and costs for having thought of putting a
+gentleman under the dominion of a mother-in-law."
+
+The charms of the female sex were more susceptible to the Iowa judge
+than to his brother of the former story. This worthy refused to fine a
+man for kissing a young lady against her will, because the complainant
+was so pretty that "nothing but the Court's overwhelming sense of
+dignity prevented the Court from kissing her itself."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"A fellow-feeling makes one wondrous kind," wrote Garrick, and something
+of this nature must have actuated Judge Bela Brown in a case in a
+Circuit Court of Georgia. The judge was an able lawyer, and right good
+boon companion among his legal friends. The night before the Court
+opened he joined the Circuit barristers at a tavern kept by one Sterrit,
+where the company enjoyed themselves "not wisely, but too well." Next
+morning the judge was greatly perturbed to find a quantity of silver
+spoons in his pocket, which had been placed there by a wag of the
+company as the judge left the tavern the night before. "Was I tipsy when
+I came home last night?" timidly asked the judge of his wife. "Yes,"
+said she; "you know your habits when you get among your lawyer
+friends."--"Well," responded the judge, "that fellow keeps the meanest
+liquor in the States; but I never thought it was so bad as to induce a
+man to steal."
+
+Before the close of the Court a man was arraigned for larceny, who
+pleaded guilty, but put forward the extenuating circumstance that he was
+drunk and didn't know what he was doing. "What is the nature of the
+charge," asked Judge Brown. "Stealing money from Sterrit's till,"
+replied the clerk. "Are you sure you were tipsy when you took this
+money?"--"Yes, your honour; when I went out of doors the ground kept
+coming up and hitting me on the head."--"That will do. Did you get all
+your liquor at Sterrit's?"--"Every drop, sir." Turning to the
+prosecuting attorney the judge said, "You will do me the favour of
+entering a _nolle prosequi_; that liquor of Sterrit's I have reason to
+know is enough to make a man do anything dirty. I got tipsy on it myself
+the other night and stole all his spoons. If Sterrit will sell such
+abominable stuff he ought not to have the protection of this Court--Mr.
+Sheriff, you may release the prisoner."
+
+The judge of a Court in Nevada dealt differently with a man who, charged
+with intoxication, thought to gain acquittal by a whimsical treatment of
+his offence. On being asked whether he was rightly or wrongly charged he
+pleaded, "Not guilty, your honour. Sunstroke!"--"Sunstroke?" queried
+Judge Cox. "Yes, sir; the regular New York variety."--"You've had
+sunstroke a good deal in your time, I believe?"--"Yes, your honour; but
+this last attack was most severe."--"Does sunstroke make you rush
+through the streets offering to fight the town?"--"That's the effect
+precisely."--"And makes you throw brickbats at people?"--"That's it,
+judge. I see you understand the symptoms, and agree with the best
+recognised authorities, who hold it inflames the organs of combativeness
+and destructiveness. When a man of my temperament gets a good square
+sunstroke he's liable to do almost anything."--"Yes; you are quite
+right--liable to go to jail for fifteen days. You'll go down with the
+policeman at once." With that observation the conversation naturally
+closed, and the victim of so-called sunstroke "went down."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Sheriff, remove the prisoner's hat," said a judge in the Court of
+Keatingville, Montana, when he noticed that the culprit before him had
+neglected to do so. The sheriff obeyed instructions by knocking off the
+hat with his rifle. The prisoner picked it up, and clapping it on his
+head again, shouted, "I am bald, judge." Once more it was "removed" by
+the sheriff, while the indignant judge rose and said, "I fine you five
+dollars for contempt of Court--to be committed until the fine is paid."
+The offender approached the judge, and laying down half a dollar
+remarked, "Your sentence, judge, is most ungentlemanly; but the law is
+imperative and I will have to stand it; so here is half a dollar, and
+the four dollars and a half you owed me when we stopped playing poker
+this morning makes us square."
+
+The card-playing administrator of law must have felt as small as his
+brother-judge who priced a cow at an Arkansas cattle-market. Seeing one
+that took his fancy he asked the farmer what he wanted for her. "Thirty
+dollars, and she'll give you five quarts of milk if you feed her well,"
+said the farmer. "Why," quoth the judge, "I have cows not much more than
+half her size which give twenty quarts of milk a day." The farmer eyed
+the would-be purchaser of the cow very hard, as if trying to remember if
+he had met him before, and then inquired where he lived. "My home is in
+Iowa," replied the judge. "Yes, stranger, I don't dispute it. There were
+heaps of soldiers from Iowa down here during the war, and they were the
+worst liars in the whole Yankee army. Maybe you were an officer in one
+of them regiments." Then the judge returned to his Court duties.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Judge Kiah Rodgers already figures in a story, and here we give his
+address to a delinquent when he presided at a Court in Louisiana.
+"Prisoner, stand up! Mr. Kettles, this Court is under the painful
+necessity of passing sentence of the law upon you. This Court has no
+doubt, Mr. Kettles, but what you were brought into this scrape by the
+use of intoxicating liquors. The friends of this Court all know that if
+there is any vice this Court abhors it is intoxication. When this Court
+was a young man, Mr. Kettles, it was considerably inclined to drink, and
+the friends of this Court know that this Court has naterally a very high
+temper; and if this Court had not stopped short off, I have no doubt,
+sir, but what this Court, sir, would have been in the penitentiary or in
+its grave."
+
+There was a strong sense of duty to humanity, as well as seeing justice
+carried out, in the Californian sheriff after an interview with a
+self-confessed murderer, who desired to be sent to New York to be tried,
+when he addressed the prisoner: "So your conscience ain't easy, and you
+want to be hanged?" said the sheriff. "Well, my friend, the county
+treasury ain't well fixed at present, and I don't want to take any
+risks, in case you're not the man, and are just fishing for a free
+ride. Besides, those New York Courts can't be trusted to hang a man. As
+you say, you deserve to be killed, and your conscience won't be easy
+till you are killed, and as it can't make any difference to you or to
+society how you are killed, I guess I'll do the job myself!" and his
+hand moved to his pocket; but before he could pull out the revolver and
+level it at the murderer, that conscience-stricken individual was down
+the road and out of killing distance.
+
+Like the sailor who objected to his captain undertaking the double duty
+of flogging and preaching, prisoners do not appreciate the judge who
+delivers sentence upon them and at the same time admonishes them in a
+long speech. After being sentenced a Californian prisoner was thus
+reproached by a judge for his lack of ambition:
+
+"Where is it, sir? Where is it? Did you ever hear of Cicero taking free
+lunches? Did you ever hear that Plato gamboled through the alleys of
+Athens? Did you ever hear Demosthenes accused of sleeping under a
+coal-shed? If you would be a Plato, there would be a fire in your eye;
+your hair would have an intellectual cut; you'd step into a clean shirt;
+and you'd hire a mowing-machine to pare those finger-nails. You have got
+to go up for four months!"
+
+In conclusion we return to the jury-box of a New York Court for the
+story of a well-known character who frequently was called to act along
+with other good men and true. As soon as they had retired to deliberate
+on the evidence they had heard, he would button up his coat and "turn
+in" on a bench, exclaiming, "Gentlemen, I'm for bringing in a verdict
+for the plaintiff (or the defendant, as he had settled in his mind), and
+all Creation can't move me. Therefore as soon as you have all agreed
+with me, wake me up and we'll go in."
+
+
+
+
+L'ENVOI
+
+
+    "THE TASK IS ENDED, AND ASIDE WE FLING
+    THE MUSTY BOOKS TIED UP WITH LEGAL STRING;
+    AND SO GOOD NIGHT, SINCE WE OUR SAY HAVE SAID,
+    SHUT UP THE VOLUME AND PROCEED TO BED;
+    AND DREAM, DEAR READER, OF A FUTURE, WHEN
+    A LAWYER MAY SHAKE HANDS WITH YOU AGAIN."
+
+    WILLOCK: _Legal Facetiæ_.
+
+
+
+
+INDEX
+
+
+     Abbot, Mr. Justice, 43
+
+     Abinger, Lord, 35, 36, 42
+
+     Adam, H. L., 80, 101
+
+     Adams, Serjeant, 85
+
+     Adolphus, John, 76
+
+     Alderson, Baron, 45
+
+     Alemoor, Lord, 156
+
+     Allen, Serjeant, 68
+
+     Alverstone, Lord, 62
+
+     Andrews, W., 26, 99
+
+     Anne, Queen, 107, 159
+
+     Archibald, Mr. Justice, 94
+
+     Ardwall, Lord, 193, 212
+
+     Arnot, Hugo, 201, 203
+
+     Atkinson, Mrs., 90
+
+     Auchinleck, Lord, 155
+
+     Avonmore, Lord, 119-122, 131, 133
+
+     Avory, Lord, 62, 63
+
+
+     Bacon, Lord, 68
+
+     Bacon, Sir Nicholas, 5
+
+     Bacon, Vice-Chancellor, 38, 54
+
+     Baird, Mr., of Cambusdoon, 192
+
+     Baldwin, Mr., 83
+
+     Balfour, Sheriff, 209
+
+     Ballantine, Serjeant, 81, 88
+
+     Balmuto, Lord, 201
+
+     Bannatyne, Lord, 165
+
+     Barjarg, Lord, 156
+
+     Bell, Abigail, 234
+
+     Bethel, I. B., 136
+
+     Birrell, Augustine, 89
+
+     Blair, Lord President, 170
+
+     Blair, Thomas W., 159
+
+     Boswell, James, 155, 165
+
+     Bowen, Lord, 53, 54
+
+     Boyd, Judge, 135
+
+     Boyle, Lord Justice-Clerk, 175
+
+     Braxfield, Lord, 155, 182, 183, 200
+
+     Brocklesby, Dr., 15
+
+     Brougham, Lord, 17, 39-43, 117, 188, 205
+
+     Brown, Judge Bela, 243
+
+     Buchan, Earl of, 27, 202
+
+     Bullen, Edward, 85
+
+     Burrowes, Peter, 145
+
+     Burrows, Sir James, 9
+
+     Bushe, Charles K., 118, 122, 138
+
+     Butler, Sir Toby, 127
+
+     Byles, Mr. Justice, 49
+
+     Byron, Lord, 224
+
+
+     Campbell, Lord John, 13, 25, 34, 35, 41-44, 76, 86
+
+     Campbell, Lord President, 181
+
+     Carleton, Chief Justice, 112
+
+     Carleton, Lady, 112
+
+     Chambers, Montague, 77
+
+     Charles II, 6, 68
+
+     Chelmsford, Lord, 46
+
+     Chitty, Lord Justice, 38
+
+     Choate, Rufus, 234-236
+
+     Clare, Lord, 132
+
+     Clarke, George, minstrel, 97
+
+     Clarke, Thomas, 75, 76
+
+     Clonmel, Earl of, 109, 110
+
+     Coalston, Lord, 156
+
+     Cockburn, Lord, 171, 173, 174, 175, 185-187, 215
+
+     Cockburn, Sir Alexander, 46, 47, 55-57
+
+     Cockle, Serjeant, 100, 101
+
+     Coleridge, Lord, 51, 52
+
+     Collins, Stephen, Q.C., 140, 141
+
+     Colman, George, 79
+
+     Colquhoun, Sir James, 202
+
+     Connor, John, 143
+
+     Cooke, Tom, 36
+
+     Cottenham, Lord Chancellor, 42
+
+     Coutts, Thomas, 159
+
+     Covington, Lord, 155
+
+     Cox, Judge, 245
+
+     Crabtree, Jesse, 79
+
+     Cranworth, Lord, 35
+
+     Cringletie, Lord, 170
+
+     Crispe, Thomas E., 94
+
+     Crosbie, Andrew, 205
+
+     Cunningham, Lord, 206
+
+     Curran, J. P., 109, 113, 120, 121, 127-134
+
+
+     Danckwerts, Mr., Q.C., 59
+
+     Darling, Mr. Justice, 3, 4, 58-60
+
+     Davenport, Sir Thomas, 12
+
+     Davy, Serjeant, 70, 71
+
+     Deas, Lord, 177
+
+     Denman, Lord, 72, 73
+
+     Dewar, Lord, 51
+
+     Dirleton, Lord, 153
+
+     Douglas, Alexander, W.S., 188
+
+     Dowling, Judge, 240
+
+     Doyle, Mr., 121
+
+     Duke, Mr., K.C., 60
+
+     Dun, Lord, 159
+
+     Dundas, Henry (Lord Melville), 157, 200
+       Robert, first Lord President, 156, 158
+       ---- second Lord President, 204
+
+     Dunning, Serjeant, 17, 73, 74
+
+
+     Egan, John, Q.C., 131, 134
+
+     Egerton, Master of Rolls, 6
+
+     Eldin, Lord, 164, 167-171
+
+     Eldon, Earl of, 10-12, 17-19, 167, 171, 179
+
+     Elizabeth, Queen, 68
+
+     Ellenborough, Lord, 20, 21
+
+     Elliock, Lord, 156
+
+     Erne, Lord, 114
+
+     Erskine, Henry, 27, 164, 199-202
+       John, of Carnoch, 157
+       ---- Lord, 27-31, 46
+
+     Esher, Lord, 54
+
+     Eskgrove, Lord, 155, 160, 161, 162, 164, 199
+
+     Evans, 228
+
+     Eve, Mr. Justice, 69
+
+
+     Fisher, Dr., 19
+
+     Fitton, Lord Chancellor, 127
+
+     Flood, Right Hon. H., 110
+
+     Forglen, Lord, 160
+
+     Fortesque, Lord, 8
+
+     Foster, Judge, 113
+
+     Fountainhall, Lord, 153, 154
+
+     Furton, Sir Thomas, 132
+
+
+     Gardenstone, Lord, 156
+
+     Garrick, David, 243
+
+     George III, 19, 24
+
+     Gillespie, Rev. Dr., 238
+
+     Gillon, Joseph, W.S., 219
+
+     Glengarry, 161
+
+     Gould, Mr. Justice, 22, 30, 60, 71
+
+     Grady, H. D., 135-136
+
+     Graham, Baron, 34
+
+     Grantham, Mr. Justice, 58
+
+     Guildford, Lord, 68
+
+     Guthrie, Lord, 193
+
+
+     Hailes, Lord, 156
+
+     Halkerston, Lord, 163
+
+     Halligan, Denis, 113, 114
+
+     Hardwicke, Lord, 8
+
+     Harper, Sheriff, 206
+
+     Harris, Billy, 111
+
+     Hatton, Lord Chancellor, 5
+
+     Haweis, Rev. H. R., 223
+
+     Hawkins, Sir Henry (Lord Brampton), 54-57
+
+     Hayward, Mr., 132
+
+     Healy, Tim, 146, 147
+
+     Henderson, Sir John, 161
+
+     Henn, Chief Baron, 111
+       Jonathan, 111, 112
+       William, Judge, 111
+
+     Henry VIII, 4
+
+     Henry, Patrick, 224
+
+     Hermand, Lord, 165, 174, 176, 179-181
+
+     Herrick, Mr., 141
+
+     Hill, Serjeant, 69, 70
+
+     Holmes, Mr., 138
+
+     Holroyd, Chief Justice, 38
+
+     Holt, Lord Justice, 37
+
+     Hook, John, 224
+
+     Horne, Mr., Dean of Faculty, 193
+
+     Horner, Mr., 183
+
+     Hyde, Edward (Lord Campden), 7
+
+
+     Jackson, Sheriff Officer, 116
+
+     James, Edwin, 85, 86
+
+     James V, 153
+
+     Jeffrey, Lord, 172, 187
+
+     Jeffreys, Judge, 7
+
+     Jekyll, Serjeant, 79, 80
+
+
+     Kames, Lord, 5, 156, 165, 166
+
+     Keating, Mr. Justice, 61, 68
+
+     Keller, Jerry, 139
+
+     Kennedy, Mrs., 52
+
+     Kennet, Lord, 158
+
+     Kenyon, Lord, 10-12, 22-24
+
+     Kilkerran, Lord, 163
+
+     Kingston, Duchess of, 13
+
+     Knight-Bruce, Lord Justice, 47, 48
+
+
+     Labron, John, 39
+
+     Landseer, Sir Edwin, 81
+
+     Lawrence, Sir Thomas, 85
+
+     Lawson, Mr. Justice, 123
+
+     Lee, Jack, 77
+
+     Leeds, Duke of, 46
+
+     Lees, Richard, 206
+
+     Lifford, Lord Chancellor, 110
+
+     Lockwood, Sir Frank, 89, 92
+
+     Logan, Sheriff, 206
+
+     Lysaght, Edward, 136, 137
+
+
+     M'Cormick, Samuel, 175
+
+     Macdonald, Chief Baron, 34
+
+     Macklin, Actor, 128
+
+     Maclaren, Lord, 194
+
+     MacMahon, Serjeant, 145
+
+     Mahaffy, Ninian, 140, 141
+
+     Mair, Ludovick, 208
+
+     Maloney, Mr., 130
+
+     Manners, Lord Chancellor, 141
+
+     Mansfield, Earl of, 14-16, 74, 205
+
+     Margarot, 183
+
+     Martin, Baron, 44, 45, 81
+
+     Maule, Mr. Justice, 31-34
+
+     Meadowbank, Lord (first), 159
+
+     Meadowbank, Lord (second), 164, 169, 179
+
+     Mellor, Mr., 91, 92
+
+     Miller, Sir Thomas, 157
+
+     Millicent, Sir John, 6
+
+     Milton, Lord, 159
+
+     Missing, Serjeant, 75
+
+     Mitchell, John, 112
+
+     Monboddo, Lord, 153, 157
+
+     Moncreiff, Lord, 175, 183, 184
+       Rev. Sir Henry Wellwood, 175
+       Lord Justice-Clerk, 211
+
+     Moore, Frankfort, 123
+
+     Moore, Judge, 112
+
+     More, Sir Thomas, 4, 5
+
+     Muir, Mr., 82
+
+     Murphy, Mr., gaoler, 117
+
+
+     Nagle, Mr., 127
+
+     Nangle, Mr., 107, 108, 109
+
+     Nares, Mr. Justice, 27
+
+     Newhall, Lord, 160
+
+     Newton, Lord, 171-173
+
+     Norbury, Lord, 114-117, 132, 133, 145
+
+     Norfolk, Duke of, 19
+
+
+     O'Connell, Daniel, 117, 141-144
+
+     O'Flanagan, F. R., 107, 137
+
+     O'Gorman, Mr., 139, 140
+
+     O'Grady, Chief Baron, 117-119
+
+     Orton, Arthur, 55
+
+     Oswald, Francis, 95, 96
+
+
+     Page, Mr. Justice, 22
+
+     Parker, Chief Baron, 15
+
+     Parry, Serjeant, 93, 101
+
+     Parsons, Chief Justice, 223, 224
+
+     Parsons, Commissioner, 144, 145
+
+     Patteson, Mr. Justice, 61
+
+     Peat, Mr., 80
+
+     Petigru, Mr., 231
+
+     Phillimore, Sir Walter, 57
+
+     Phillips, Charles, 54
+
+     Phillips, 123, 128
+
+     Phipps, Lord Chancellor, 107
+
+     Pigot, Chief Baron, 141
+
+     Pinckney, Judge W. M., 230
+
+     Pitfour, Lord, 158
+
+     Pitmilly, Lord, 174
+
+     Plowden, Mr., 55
+
+     Plunket, Lord, 122, 123, 138
+
+     Polkemmet, Lord, 155, 163, 164
+
+     Powis, Mr. Justice, 8
+
+     Pratt, Sir John, Lord Justice, 9
+
+     Prime, Serjeant, 26, 72
+
+     Pritchard, Mary, 77
+
+     Pyne, Chief Justice, 107, 108
+
+
+     Queensberry, Duke of, 29
+
+
+     Raine, Mr., 100
+
+     Redsdale, Lord Chancellor, 140
+
+     Reid, David, 159, 160
+
+     Ribton, Mr., Q.C., 50
+
+     Robertson, Patrick, Lord, 188
+
+     Roche, Sir Boyle, 133
+
+     Rodgers, Judge K., 241, 247
+
+     Romilly, Lord, 89
+
+     Rose, Sir George, 18
+
+     Ross, Charles, 159
+
+     Russell, Lord John, 42
+
+     Russell, Lord, of Killowen, 51
+
+     Rutherford, Lord, 189
+
+     Rutland, Earl of, 4
+
+     Ryder, Chief Justice, 9
+
+
+     Scarlett, Miss, 43
+
+     Scott, James, Q.C., 137
+
+     Scott, Sir Walter, 160, 199, 219
+
+     Shaftesbury, Lord, 6
+
+     Shand, Lord, 190, 191, 193
+
+     Shee, Mr., Q.C., 51
+
+     Sinclair, Sir John, 30
+
+     Sleigh, Warner, 83
+
+     Smith, Judge A., 241
+
+     Smith, F. E., 95
+
+     Speer, Judge Emery, 229
+
+     Stanley, Lord, 41
+
+     Stonefield, Lord, 157, 185
+
+     Strichen, Lord, 156
+
+     Sugden, Sir Edward, 39
+
+     Sullivan, Mr., 223
+
+     Sumner, Mr., 234
+
+     Swinton, Lord, 200
+
+
+     Taylor, Senator, 230
+
+     Tenterden, Lord, 25
+
+     Thomas, Serjeant, 73
+
+     Thomson, Baron, 34
+
+     Thorpe, W. G., 86
+
+     Thurlow, Lord, 10-13, 19, 20
+
+     Townshend, Lord, 110
+
+     Tunstal, Dr., 77
+
+
+     Warren, Samuel, 46, 83
+
+     Wauchope, Mr., of Niddrie, 186
+
+     Webster, Daniel, 227, 228
+
+     Wedderburn, Alexander (Lord Roslin), 7
+
+     Weldon, Mrs., 54
+
+     Weller, Mr., 107, 108
+
+     Westbury, Lord, 34, 35, 47
+
+     Wharton, Mr., 94
+
+     Whigham, Mr., 79
+
+     Wight, Alexander, 155
+
+     Wightman, Mr. Justice, 50
+
+     Wilkins, Serjeant, 6, 72, 73
+
+     Willes, Mr. Justice, 21, 49, 78
+
+     Williams, Montague, 49, 88
+
+     Wills, Mr. Justice, 38
+
+     Wirt, William, 227, 228
+
+
+     Yorke, Edward (Lord Hardewicke), 8
+
+     Young, Lord, 191-193
+
+
+
+
+SOME SCOTTISH BOOKS
+
+
+BOOK of EDINBURGH ANECDOTE
+
+By FRANCIS WATT. The stories in "The Book of Edinburgh Anecdote," good
+in themselves, illustrate in an interesting way bygone times. The
+heroics and the follies, the greatness and the littleness, the wit and
+humour of famous or even infamous citizens are presented in a lively
+manner. Even to those who know much about Edinburgh much will be fresh,
+for the material has been gathered from many and various, and not seldom
+obscure, sources. With thirty-two portraits in collotype and
+frontispiece in colour. 312 pp. Buckram, 5/- net; Leather, 7/6 net.
+
+
+BOOK of GLASGOW ANECDOTE
+
+By D. MACLEOD MALLOCH. This book is a storehouse of information
+regarding Glasgow, and is full of interesting and amusing stories of
+Church, University, medical, legal, municipal, and commercial life. No
+such collection of Glasgow anecdotes has hitherto appeared in any single
+volume; and their interest is such that this book should appeal not only
+to Glasgow people, but also to all who can appreciate good stories of
+professional and commercial life, and stories illustrative of Scottish
+character. With frontispiece in colour and thirty-five portraits in
+collotype. 400 pp. Buckram, 5/- net; Leather, 7/6 net.
+
+
+MARY QUEEN OF SCOTS
+
+By HILDA T. SKAE. This volume contains a compact account of the life of
+one of the most romantic figures in Scottish history. It contains
+sixteen illustrations in colour besides many portraits, and merely to
+turn them over is to gain a more living and reliable idea of the course
+of her tragic life, and of the characters of those who surrounded her,
+than the most careful of historical descriptions. The very actors and
+actresses move before the reader's eyes; and their stories, ceasing to
+be distant traditions, are seen to concern the movements, hesitations,
+half-hopes, and human impulses of people strangely like ourselves. 224
+pp. Buckram, 5/- net; Velvet Persian, 7/6 net.
+
+
+R. L. STEVENSON: MEMORIES
+
+Being twenty-five illustrations, reproduced from photographs, of Robert
+Louis Stevenson, his homes and his haunts, many of these reproduced for
+the first time. A booklet for every Stevenson lover. In Japon vellum
+covers, 1/- net; bound in Japanese vellum, with illustrations mounted,
+2/6 net.
+
+
+T·N·FOULIS·PUBLISHER
+
+
+
+
+BOOKS TO ENTERTAIN
+
+
+THE LIGHTER SIDE OF IRISH LIFE
+
+By GEORGE A. BIRMINGHAM. Its title suggests unbridled jocularity--and it
+is in fact full of inimitable fun; but there is a basis of solid thought
+and sympathy to all the mirth. While replenishing the common stock of
+Irish stories, Mr Birmingham adjusts our conception of the race. Mr
+Kerr's sixteen illustrations in colour form a gallery of genre studies,
+sympathetic and yet sincere, that allows us to look with our own eyes
+upon Ireland as she really is to-day. 288 pp. Buckram, 5/- net. Velvet
+Persian, 7/6 net.
+
+
+IRISH LIFE & CHARACTER
+
+By Mrs S. C. HALL. "Tales of Irish Life" will remind the reader more of
+Lever or Sam Lover than of "Lavengro." It is effervescent and audacious,
+ringing with all the fun of the fair, and spiced with the constant
+presence of a vivacious and irresistible personality. The sixteen
+illustrations by Erskine Nicol are in precisely the same vein, matching
+Mrs Hall's sketches so manifestly that it is strange they have never
+been united before. To look at them is to laugh. 330 pp. Buckram,
+5/- net. Velvet Persian, 7/6 net.
+
+
+LORD COCKBURN'S MEMORIALS
+
+"This volume," says _The Saturday Review_, "is one of the most
+entertaining books a reader could lay his hands on." "The book," says
+_The Edinburgh Review_, "is one of the pleasantest fireside volumes that
+has ever been published." Cockburn's pen could tell a tale as well as
+his tongue, and to read this book is to sit, unobserved, at that
+immortal Round Table, with anecdote and reminiscence in full tide. With
+twelve portraits in colour by Sir Henry Raeburn, and other
+illustrations. Extra Crown 8vo. 480 pp. Buckram, 6/- net.
+
+
+AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF CARLYLE OF INVERESK (1722-1805)
+
+Edited by J. HILL BURTON. "He was the grandest demi-god I ever saw,"
+wrote Sir Walter Scott of the author of this book. But, as these Memoirs
+show, he was a demi-god with a very human heart,--or, at any rate, a
+"divine" with a thorough knowledge of the world. It was probably these
+qualities that made him such a prominent figure in his day, and it is
+certainly these that give his Recollections their unique importance and
+raciness. They provide "by far the most vivid picture of Scottish life
+and manners that has been given to the world since Scott's day." This
+edition has been equipped with a series of thirty-six portraits
+reproduced in photogravure of the chief personages who move in its
+pages. 612 pp. Buckram, 6/- net.
+
+
+T·N·FOULIS·PUBLISHER
+
+
+
+
+SOME ENGLISH BOOKS
+
+
+THE ENGLISH CHARACTER
+
+By SPENCER LEIGH HUGHES, M.P., _Sub-Rosa_ of the _Daily News and
+Leader_. Although his pen has probably covered more pages than Balzac's,
+this is the first time _Sub-Rosa_ has really "turned author." The charm
+and penetration of the result suggest that his readers will never allow
+him to turn back again. He is a born essayist, but he has, in addition,
+the breadth and generosity that journalism alone can give a man. The
+combination gives a kind of golden gossip--criticism without acrimony,
+fooling without folly. The work contains sixteen pictures in colour of
+English types by Frederick Gardner. 300 pp. Buckram, 5/- net. Leather,
+7/6 net.
+
+
+ENGLISH COUNTRY LIFE
+
+By WALTER RAYMOND. Mr Raymond is our modern Gilbert White; and many of
+the chapters have a thread of whimsical drama and delicious humour which
+will remind the reader of "The Window in Thrums." It is a book of
+happiness and peace. It is as fragrant as lavender or new-mown hay, and
+as wholesome as curds and cream. With sixteen illustrations in colour by
+Wilfrid Ball, R. E. 462 pp. Buckram, 5/- net. Leather, 7/6 net.
+
+
+ENGLISH LIFE & CHARACTER
+
+By MARY MITFORD. Done with a delicate Dutch fidelity, these little prose
+pastorals of Miss Mitford's would live were they purely imaginary--so
+perfect is their finish, so tender and joyous their touch. But they
+have, in addition, the virtue of being entirely faithful pictures of
+English village life as it was at the time they were written. With
+sixteen illustrations in colour by Stanhope Forbes, R.A. 350 pp.
+Buckram, 5/- net. Leather, 7/6 net.
+
+
+THE RIVER OF LONDON
+
+By HILAIRE BELLOC. Everybody who has read the "Path to Rome" will learn
+with gladness that Mr Hilaire Belloc has written another book in the
+same sunny temper, dealing with the oldest highway in Britain. It is a
+subject that brings into play all those high faculties which make Mr
+Belloc the most genuine man of letters now alive. The record of the
+journey makes one of the most exhilarating books of our time, and the
+series of Mr Muirhead's sixteen pictures painted for this book sets the
+glittering river itself flowing swiftly past before the eye. 200 pp.
+Buckram, 5/- net. Leather, 7/6 net.
+
+
+T·N·FOULIS·PUBLISHER
+
+
+
+
+SOME LITERARY BOOKS
+
+
+THE DICKENS ORIGINALS
+
+By EDWIN PUGH. A very large proportion of Dickens' characters had their
+living prototypes among his contemporaries and acquaintances. In this
+book the author has traced these prototypes, has made original
+researches resulting in the discovery of several new and hitherto
+unsuspected identities, and has given particulars of all of them. With
+thirty portraits of "originals." Extra Cr. 8vo, 400 pp. 6/- net. A book
+for every Dickens lover.
+
+
+THE R. L. STEVENSON ORIGINALS
+
+By E. BLANTYRE SIMPSON. The author has an unequalled knowledge of the
+fortunate Edinburgh circle who knew their R.L.S. long before the rest of
+the world; and she has been enabled to collect a volume of fresh
+_Stevensoniana_, of unrecorded adventures and personal reminiscences,
+which will prove inestimably precious to all lovers of the man and his
+work. The illustrations are of peculiar importance as the publisher has
+been privileged to reproduce a series of portraits and pictures of the
+rarest interest to accompany the text. Four portraits in colour,
+twenty-five in collotype and several letters in facsimile. Extra Cr.
+8vo, 260 pp. Buckram, 6/- net.
+
+
+THE SCOTT ORIGINALS
+
+By W. S. CROCKETT. The actual drovers and dominies, ladies and lairds,
+whom Sir Walter used as his models, figure here, living their own richly
+characteristic and romantic lives with unabated picturesqueness. Mr
+Crockett's identifications are all based on strict evidence, the result
+is that we are given a kind of flowing sequel to the novels, containing
+situations, dialogues, anecdotes, and adventures not included in the
+books. The forty-four illustrations comprise many contemporary
+portraits, including Baron Bradwardine, Pleydell, Davie Gellatley, Hugh
+Redgauntlet, Dugald Dalgetty, and others. 448 pp. Buckram, 6/- net.
+
+
+THE FOOTSTEPS OF SCOTT
+
+By W. S. CROCKETT. Now that Mr Andrew Lang has left us, Mr Crockett has
+probably no equal in his knowledge of the Border country and its
+literature, or in his affectionate acquaintance with the life of Sir
+Walter. The illustrations are from water-colours specially painted by
+Tom Scott, R.S.A. They show his art at its best. 230 pp. Buckram, 3/6
+net.
+
+
+T·N·FOULIS·PUBLISHER
+
+
+
+
+SOME SCOTTISH BOOKS
+
+
+THE KIRK & ITS WORTHIES
+
+By NICHOLAS DICKSON and D. MACLEOD MALLOCH. Our Scottish kirk has a
+great reputation for dourness--but it has probably kindled more humour
+than it ever quenched. The pulpits have inevitably been filled by a race
+of men disproportionately rich in "characters," originals, worthies with
+a gift for pungent expression and every opportunity for developing it.
+There is a fund of good stories here which forms a worthy sequel to Dean
+Ramsay's Reminiscences and a living history of an old-world life. The
+illustrations consist of sixteen reproductions in colour of paintings by
+eminent Scottish artists. The frontispiece is the famous painting "The
+Ordination of Elders." 340 pp. Buckram, 5/- net; Leather, 7/6 net.
+
+
+SCOTTISH LIFE & CHARACTER
+
+By DEAN RAMSAY. The Reminiscences of Dean Ramsay are a kind of literary
+haggis; and no dish better deserves to be worthily served up. "Next to
+the Waverley Novels," says a chief authority, "it has done more than any
+other book to make Scottish customs, phrases, and traits of character
+familiar to Englishmen at home and abroad." Mr Henry W. Kerr's
+illustrations provide a fitting crown to the feast. These pictures of
+characteristic Scottish scenes and Scottish faces give colour to the
+pen-and-ink descriptions, and bring out the full flavour of the text.
+390 pp. Buckram, 5/- net; Leather, 7/6 net.
+
+
+ANNALS OF THE PARISH
+
+By JOHN GALT. The dry humour and whimsical sweetness of John Galt's
+masterpiece need no description at this time of day--it is one of those
+books, full of "the birr and sneddum that is the juice and flavour" of
+life itself, which, like good wines, are the better for long keeping. It
+was the first "kail-yard" to be planted in Scottish letters, and it is
+still the most fertile. The volume contains sixteen of Mr Kerr's
+water-colours, reproduced in colour. 316 pp. Buckram, 5/- net; Leather,
+7/6 net.
+
+
+MANSIE WAUCH
+
+By D. M. MOIR. This edition of the book, which has been designed as a
+companion volume to "The Annals," contains sixteen illustrations in
+colour by C. Martin Hardie, R.S.A. Moir was one of John Galt's chief
+friends, and, like a good comrade, he brought out a rival book. Its
+native blitheness and its racy use of the vernacular will always keep it
+alive. 360 pp. Buckram, 5/- net; Velvet Persian, 7/6 net.
+
+
+T·N·FOULIS·PUBLISHER
+
+
+
+
+PRESENTATION VOLUMES
+
+
+THE MASTER MUSICIANS
+
+By J. CUTHBERT HADDEN. A book for players, singers, and listeners, and
+although the work of an enthusiastic and discerning musician, it deals
+with the men rather than their compositions. There is an abundance of
+good anecdote, and personal foibles are not bowdlerised; but the
+author's taste is perfect and his attitude is frankly one of human
+sympathy. With fifteen illustrations. 320 pp. Buckram, 3/6 net. Velvet
+Persian and boxed, 5/- net.
+
+
+THE MASTER PAINTERS
+
+By STEWART DICK. Mr Dick's book is an attempt to compress the cardinal
+facts and episodes in the lives of the world's greatest painters into a
+series of swift dramatic chapters. The lives of the world's great
+artists are often more picturesque than their pictures. With many
+illustrations. 270 pp. Buckram, 3/6 net. Velvet Persian and boxed,
+5/- net.
+
+
+ARTS & CRAFTS OF OLD JAPAN
+
+By STEWART DICK. "We know of no book," says _The Literary World_, "that
+within such modest limits contrives to convey so much trustworthy
+information on Japanese art." The author and publisher have had the
+generous co-operation of many famous collectors, and the thirty
+illustrations include many exquisite reproductions of some of the most
+perfect kakemonos in Europe. Buckram, 5/- net.
+
+
+ARTS & CRAFTS OF ANCIENT EGYPT
+
+By Professor W. M. FLINDERS PETRIE. Containing one hundred and forty
+illustrations. Small quarto. 228 pp. Buckram, 5/- net. _Second edition_.
+"We cannot speak too highly of the book, so full and so conveniently
+displayed is the knowledge which it contains." _Westminster Gazette._
+
+
+THE WILD FLOWERS
+
+By J. L. CRAWFORD. This book forms a guide to the commoner wild flowers
+of the countryside. It treats flowers as living things. Its special
+charm resides in its sixteen illustrations, in colour, of some of the
+most delicate flower-studies ever painted by Mr Edwin Alexander: whose
+work in this kind is famous throughout Europe. 282 pp. Buckram, 5/- net;
+Velvet Persian, 7/6 net.
+
+
+T·N·FOULIS·PUBLISHER
+
+
+
+
+VOLUMES OF POEMS
+
+
+SONGS OF THE WORLD
+
+As arranged in the volume The Songs of Lady Nairne form a precious
+anthology of old favourites, a souvenir rich in special associations.
+The Foulis _Fergusson_ is illustrated in a new, and, it is thought, a
+welcome way. The result is a volume of rare completeness, with every
+detail as perfect and appropriate as careful thought could achieve. The
+cream of Hogg's poetry is in the third volume, which will appeal to all
+who are in search of a beautiful edition of the work of Scotland's
+famous peasant-poet. Each has illustrations in colour by well-known
+artists. In Boards, 2/6 net; Velvet Persian, 3/6 net.
+
+     1. SONGS OF LADY NAIRNE
+     2. THE SCOTS POEMS OF ROBERT FERGUSSON
+     3. SONGS & POEMS OF THE ETTRICK SHEPHERD
+
+
+SONGS & POEMS OF BURNS
+
+Complete edition, with introductory appreciation by The Earl of
+Rosebery. This edition is one of the most beautiful books ever produced
+in Scotland. It is printed on antique paper of special quality, with
+rubricated initials and spacious margins. The forty-six illustrations in
+colour are unique in their scope, being the work exclusively of the
+foremost Scottish artists. Readers, therefore, when they read the poems
+here will be enabled to see the characters created in words by one
+dreamer, taking graphic shape and form, in colour and line, in the
+responsive vision of another. The binding of the book is russet Scottish
+buckram; and it is specially worthy of notice in this instance that
+every detail is the work of Scottish craftsmen. Quarto, 660 pp. Printed
+in fine Rag paper, and bound in buckram, 10/6 net. Bound in the finest
+Vellum, 21/- net.
+
+
+POEMS OF ADAM LINDSAY GORDON
+
+Adam Lindsay Gordon is generally called the Byron of Australia. But he
+played far more parts than Byron, and crowded more genuine romance into
+his tragic life than even the sixth Baron of Rochdale. In "The Sick
+Stock Rider" he reproduces the colonial bush as keenly as Kipling
+reproduces India. His "How we Beat the Favourite" is the finest ballad
+of the turf in the language. He is, above everything, the sportsman's
+poet. This edition contains twelve stirring illustrations in colour by
+Captain G. D. Giles. 336 pages. Buckram, 5/- net. Bound in Velvet
+Persian, 7/6 net.
+
+
+T·N·FOULIS·PUBLISHER
+
+
+
+
+PRESENTATION VOLUMES
+
+
+FRIENDSHIP BOOKS
+
+Printed in two colours, and in attractive bindings, 2/6 net; bound in
+finest Velvet Persian, 3/6 net.
+
+Half-crown volumes designed specially to meet the requirements of
+book-lovers in search of appropriate yet distinctive souvenirs. Each
+volume has its own individuality in coloured illustrations and the
+effect is aristocratic and exclusive.
+
+     RUBÁIYÁT OF OMAR KHAYYÁM
+     With eight illustrations in colour by F. BRANGWYN, R.A.
+
+     THE GIFT OF FRIENDSHIP
+     Illustrations in colour by H. C. PRESTON MACGOUN. 270 pp.
+
+     THE DREAM OF GERONTIUS
+     By CARDINAL NEWMAN. Illustrations by R. T. ROSE.
+
+     THE GIFT OF LOVE
+     The noblest passages in literature dealing with love. 156 pp.
+
+     SAPPHO, QUEEN OF SONG
+     A selection from her love poems by J. R. TUTIN.
+
+     AUCASSIN & NICOLETTE
+     With introduction by F. W. BOURDILLON.
+
+     THE CHARM OF LIFE
+     With illustrations by FREDERICK GARDNER.
+
+     THE BOOK OF GOOD FRIENDSHIP
+     With illus. by H. C. PRESTON MACGOUN, R.S.W. 132 pp.
+
+
+THE GARDEN LOVER'S BOOKS
+
+Printed in two colours, and in attractive bindings, 2/6 net; bound in
+finest Velvet Persian, 3/6 net. The appearance of these books alone
+confers distinction; ungrudging care has been lavished on their
+production from the choice of type to the colour of the silk markers.
+They make ideal gifts for anyone to whom gardens appeal.
+
+     A BOOK OF GARDENS
+     Illustrated by MARGARET H. WATERFIELD. 140 pp.
+
+     A BOOK OF OLD-WORLD GARDENS
+     With eight illus. in colour by BEATRICE PARSONS. 122 pp.
+
+     GARDEN MEMORIES
+     With eight illus. in colour by MARY G. W. WILSON. 120 pp.
+
+
+T·N·FOULIS·PUBLISHER
+
+
+
+
+ILLUSTRATED VOLUMES
+
+
+THE CITIES SERIES
+
+     In Japon vellum covers, 1/- net; bound in Japanese Vellum, with
+     illustrations mounted, 2/6 net.
+
+     1. A LITTLE BOOK OF LONDON
+        25 DRAWINGS BY JOSEPH PENNELL.
+
+     2. THE GREAT NEW YORK
+        24 DRAWINGS IN PHOTOGRAVURE BY JOSEPH PENNELL.
+
+        These reproductions of the 49 etchings in which he has
+        registered the aspect of contemporary London and New York
+        are among the most brilliant and incisive of Mr Pennell's
+        contributions to art.
+
+     3. THE CITY OF THE WEST
+        24 DRAWINGS IN PHOTOGRAVURE BY JESSIE M. KING.
+
+        Miss Jessie M. King's twenty-four drawings of its duskier
+        corners bring out an endearing side of the character of old
+        Glasgow.
+
+     4. THE GREY CITY OF THE NORTH
+        24 DRAWINGS BY JESSIE M. KING.
+
+        This collection of her work consists of a series of
+        portraits of the Old Town of Edinburgh, their haunting
+        delicacy and gnomish charm.
+
+     5. R. L. STEVENSON: MEMORIES
+
+        These twenty-five photographs from a private collection
+        depict R. L. S., his father, his mother, his wife, his old
+        nurse, his successive homes in Scotland and Samoa, the
+        cottage at Swanston where he spent his holidays as a boy as
+        well as that last resting-place on the summit of Vaea,
+        which the natives call the shrine of Tusitala.
+
+
+MANNERS & CUSTOMS OF YE ENGLYSHE
+
+49 drawings by Richard Doyle, with letterpress by Percival Leigh. By far
+the best of Doyle's drawings were those which appeared in "Punch" under
+the title of "Manners and Customs of Ye Englishe." His sense of humour
+was as sturdy as his draughtsmanship was delicate and the union is
+comedy exquisite.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE SERVILE STATE
+
+By HILAIRE BELLOC. The Servile State is a study of the tendency of
+modern legislation in industrial society and particularly in England not
+towards Socialism but towards the establishment of two legally separate
+classes, one a small class in possession of the means of production, the
+other a much larger class subjected to compulsory labour under the
+guarantee of a legal sufficiency to maintain themselves. The result of
+such an establishment and the forces working for and against it, as well
+as the remedies are fully discussed. 234 pp. Cr. 8vo Boards, 1/- net.
+Buckram, 2/6 net.
+
+
+T·N·FOULIS·PUBLISHER
+
+
+
+
+PRESENTATION VOLUMES
+
+
+NELL GWYN
+
+By CECIL CHESTERTON. The author has carried out the task entrusted to
+him with an admirable clearness and impartiality. The book is richly
+illustrated; the many portraits reflect the impudent, infamous,
+irresistible child-face in all its enchanting phases. Twenty
+illustrations--four in colour. 232 pp. Buckram, 5/- net. Velvet Persian
+and boxed, 7/6 net.
+
+
+LADY HAMILTON
+
+By E. HALLAM MOORHOUSE. "Out of all the vicissitudes of her
+extraordinary life she snatched one lasting triumph--her name spells
+beauty." The many fine portraits in this work demonstrate, as words can
+never do, that extraordinary nobility of temperament which was the main
+characteristic of Nelson's Cleopatra. Twenty-three illustrations--four
+in colour. 236 pp. Buckram, 5/- net. Velvet Persian and boxed, 7/6 net.
+
+
+MARIE ANTOINETTE
+
+By FRANCIS BICKLEY. A picturesque but restrained book. The illustrations
+are all reproductions of portraits. They prove, once more, the power
+which contemporary paintings have of making history intimate and real.
+Twenty illustrations--four in colour. 204 pp. Buckram, 5/- net. Velvet
+Persian and boxed, 7/6 net.
+
+
+PRINCE CHARLIE
+
+By WILLIAM POWER. It is curious to see how profoundly lives in
+themselves so ill-fated have the power to encourage and stimulate the
+reader. Few figures are more real than The Pretender's. His sufferings
+have been turned into songs and great stories; his old calamities are
+our present consolation. This volume contains reproduction in colour of
+sixteen Jacobite pictures and seven portraits in collotype. 200 pp. In
+Buckram, 5/- net; Velvet Persian, 7/6 net.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+RUBÁIYÁT OF OMAR KHAYYÁM
+
+Illus. by FRANK BRANGWYN, R.A. The sumptuous virility of the artist's
+work is specially suitable for the purpose of sustaining and emphasising
+that element of lofty sensuousness of the whole impassioned song. With
+eight illustrations in colour. 120 pp. Buckram, 3/6 net. Velvet Persian
+and boxed, 5/- net.
+
+T·N·FOULIS·PUBLISHER
+
+
+
+
+SOME FOULIS BOOKLETS
+
+
+MAXIMS OF LIFE SERIES
+
+A set of miniature volumes, exquisitely produced, designed to hold the
+essence of the wisdom of some of the world's keenest intelligences. The
+_Napoleon_ volume, for instance, thus contains the essential creed of
+the man who towered above his time like a Colossus. That of _Madame de
+Sévigné_, again, holds the attar of an intellect that dazzled the most
+brilliant court of France. In the _La Rochefoucauld_ is the essence of
+the worldly wisdom of one of the cleverest judges of men and things. And
+the _George Sand_ preserves the private philosophy which a passionate
+woman slowly distilled as she made her stormy pilgrimage through life.
+Each of these volumes, which contain illustrations in line and colour,
+is a slender casket of jewels. In decorative wrapper, 6d. net. Bound in
+Velvet Persian Yapp, 1/- net; also in Japon Vellum, 1/- net. 120 pp.
+
+     1. NAPOLEON
+     2. MADAME DE SÉVIGNÉ
+     3. LA ROCHEFOUCAULD
+     4. GEORGE SAND
+     5. NIETZSCHE
+
+
+LES PETITS LIVRES D'OR
+
+The minted gold of French verse and prose has been packed away here and
+there are few of the French wits and poets whose works have not been
+rifled for these charming booklets. Not even in Paris, the home of
+_chic_, has anything of the sort been seen before. In designed covers,
+each illustrated in colour, 6d. net. In Velvet Persian, 1/- net.
+
+     1. UN PETIT LIVRE D'AMOUR
+     2. UN PETIT LIVRE D'AMITIÉ
+     3. UN PETIT LIVRE DE SAGESSE
+     4. AUCASSIN ET NICOLETTE
+
+
+DIE ROSEN VOM PARNASS
+
+These are the German equivalents of the Foulis French _petits_, and,
+like the latter, they have created a small _furore_ on the Continent.
+The delicately reproduced "full-page" illustrations are, once more, the
+work of some of the most distinguished Scottish and English painters. In
+designed covers, each illustrated in colour, 6d. net. In Velvet Persian,
+1/- net.
+
+     1. LIEDER VON HEINE
+     2. DEUTSCHE LIEBESLIEDER
+     3. FREUNDSCHAFTSLIEDER
+     4. WANDERLIEDER
+
+
+T·N·FOULIS·PUBLISHER
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber's Note:
+
+Illustration captions have been moved slightly to coincide with the
+mention of the person named in the caption.
+
+This book includes a lot of dialect, which often looks misspelled but
+was intentionally written that way. Therefore, some irregularities that
+might be errors have not been corrected in order to preserve author
+intent. Name variants (mostly occurring in the index) also have not been
+corrected. However, obvious errors have been corrected, and punctuation
+has been standardized.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Law and Laughter, by 
+George Alexander Morton and Donald Macleod Malloch
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 30003 ***
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+<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 30003 ***</div>
+
+<h1>LAW AND LAUGHTER</h1>
+
+<h2>BY GEORGE A. MORTON
+AND D. MACLEOD MALLOCH</h2>
+
+<h3>ILLUSTRATED WITH PORTRAITS OF
+EMINENT MEMBERS OF BENCH &amp; BAR<br /><br /><br /><br /></h3>
+
+
+<p class="center">T. N. FOULIS<br />
+LONDON &amp; EDINBURGH<br />
+1913</p>
+
+
+
+<p class="center"><i>Published October 1913</i><br /><br /><br /><br /></p>
+
+
+<p class="center">Printed by <span class="smcap">Ballantyne, Hanson &amp; Co.</span><br />
+at the Ballantyne Press, Edinburgh<br /><br /><br /><br /></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="center"><a name="TO" id="TO"></a>TO<br />
+THE MEMORY OF<br />
+D. MACLEOD MALLOCH<br /><br /><br /><br /></p>
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 316px;">
+<a name="lord_thurlow" id="lord_thurlow"></a>
+<img src="images/lord_thurlow.jpg" width="316" height="390" alt="EDWARD THURLOW, BARON THURLOW. LORD CHANCELLOR." title="" />
+<span class="caption">EDWARD THURLOW, BARON THURLOW. LORD CHANCELLOR.</span>
+</div>
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+<div class="poetryblock">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i2">"As crafty lawyers to acquire applause<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Try various arts to get a double cause,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">So does an author, rummaging his brain,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">By various methods, try to entertain."<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i2"><span class="smcap">Pasquin</span>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+</div>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="PREFACE" id="PREFACE"></a>PREFACE</h2>
+
+
+<p>The scope of this volume is indicated by its title&mdash;a
+presentation of the lighter side of law, as it is exhibited
+from time to time in the witty remarks, repartees,
+and <i>bon mots</i> of the Bench and Bar of Great Britain,
+Ireland, and America. The idea of presenting such a
+collection of legal <i>faceti&aelig;</i> originated with the late Mr.
+D. Macleod Malloch, and it is greatly to be regretted
+that by his untimely death, his share of the work had
+reached the stage of selecting only about one-half of
+the material included in the book. His knowledge of
+law, and his wide reading in legal biography, was such
+as would have increased considerably the value of this
+volume.</p>
+
+<p>In addition to sources which are acknowledged in the
+text, I have to mention contributions drawn from the
+following works: W. D. Adams' <i>Modern Anecdotes</i>;
+W. Andrews' <i>The Lawyer in History, Literature and
+Humour</i>; Croake James's <i>Curiosities of Law</i>; F. R.
+O'Flanagan's <i>The Irish Bar</i>; and A. Engelbach's comprehensive
+and entertaining <i>Anecdotes of the Bench
+and Bar</i>. I am further indebted to Sir James Balfour
+Paul, Lyon King of Arms, for permission to include
+"The Circuiteer's Lament," from the privately printed
+volume <i>Ballads of the Bench and Bar</i>, and to the editor
+of the <i>Edinburgh Evening Dispatch</i> for a number
+of the more recent anecdotes in the Scottish chapters
+of the book.</p>
+
+<p>
+GEO. A. MORTON.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="LIST_OF_CONTENTS" id="LIST_OF_CONTENTS"></a>LIST OF CONTENTS</h2>
+
+
+
+
+
+<div class="center">
+<table border="0" cellpadding="8" cellspacing="0" summary="" style="font-size: larger">
+<tr><td align="right">I.</td><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_1">The Judges of England</a></span></td><td align="right">PAGE 3</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="right">II.</td><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_65">The Barristers of England</a></span></td><td align="right">67</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="right">III.</td><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_105">The Judges of Ireland</a></span></td><td align="right">107</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="right">IV.</td><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_125">The Barristers of Ireland</a></span></td><td align="right">127</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="right">V.</td><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_151">The Judges of Scotland</a></span></td><td align="right">153</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="right">VI.</td><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_197">The Advocates of Scotland</a></span></td><td align="right">199</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="right">VII.</td><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_221">The American Bench and Bar</a></span></td><td align="right">223</td></tr>
+</table></div>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="LIST_OF_PORTRAITS" id="LIST_OF_PORTRAITS"></a>LIST OF PORTRAITS</h2>
+
+
+
+
+<div class="center">
+<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary="">
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#lord_thurlow">Lord Thurlow</a></span></td><td align="left"><i>Frontispiece</i></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left" style="padding-left: 2em"><i>From a painting by Thomas Phillips, R.A.</i><br />
+<i>By permission of the Trustees of the National Portrait Gallery.</i></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#earl_of_rosslyn">Earl of Rosslyn</a></span></td><td align="right"><i>Page</i> 8</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#earl_of_mansfield">Earl of Mansfield</a></span></td><td align="right">16</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#earl_of_eldon">Earl of Eldon</a></span></td><td align="right">20</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left" style="padding-left: 2em"><i>By permission of the Trustees of the Scottish National Portrait Gallery.</i></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#lord_kenyon">Lord Kenyon</a></span></td><td align="right">24</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#lord_erskine">Lord Erskine</a></span></td><td align="right">32</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#lord_westbury">Lord Westbury</a></span></td><td align="right">36</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#lord_brougham">Lord Brougham</a></span></td><td align="right">40</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#lord_campbell">Lord Campbell</a></span></td><td align="right">44</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left" style="padding-left: 2em"><i>By permission of the Trustees of the National Portrait Gallery, and Mr. Emery Walker.</i></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#lord_chelmsford">Lord Chelmsford</a></span></td><td align="right">48</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#sir_alexander_cockburn">Sir Alexander Cockburn</a></span></td><td align="right">52</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left" style="padding-left: 2em"><i>By permission of Harry A. Cockburn, Esq.</i></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#sir_henry_hawkins">Lord Brampton (Sir Henry Hawkins)</a></span></td><td align="right">56</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#justice_darling">The Hon. Mr. Justice Darling</a></span></td><td align="right">60</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left" style="padding-left: 2em"><i>From a photograph by C. Vandyk.</i></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#sir_samuel_martin">Sir Samuel Martin</a></span></td><td align="right">64</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#justice_grantham">The Hon. Mr. Justice Grantham</a></span></td><td align="right">72</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left" style="padding-left: 2em"><i>From a photograph by Elliott &amp; Fry, Ltd.</i></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#john_adolphus">John Adolphus</a></span></td><td align="right">76</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#samuel_warren">Samuel Warren, Q.C.</a></span></td><td align="right">80</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#lord_romilly">Lord Romilly</a></span></td><td align="right">88</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#serjeant_talfourd">Serjeant Talfourd</a></span></td><td align="right">96</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#viscount_carleton">Viscount Carleton</a></span></td><td align="right">112</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left" style="padding-left: 2em"><i>By permission of the Trustees of the Scottish National Portrait Gallery.</i></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#john_curran">John P. Curran</a></span></td><td align="right">128</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left" style="padding-left: 2em"><i>By permission of the Trustees of the Scottish National Portrait Gallery.</i></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#daniel_oconnell">Daniel O'Connell</a></span></td><td align="right">144</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left" style="padding-left: 2em"><i>By permission of the Trustees of the Scottish National Portrait Gallery.</i></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#lord_newton">Lord Newton</a></span></td><td align="right">156</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#lord_eskgrove">Lord Eskgrove</a></span></td><td align="right">160</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#lord_kames">Lord Kames</a></span></td><td align="right">164</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#lord_eldin">Lord Eldin</a></span></td><td align="right">168</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#lord_cockburn">Lord Cockburn</a></span></td><td align="right">176</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#lord_braxfield">Lord Braxfield</a></span></td><td align="right">184</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left" style="padding-left: 2em"><i>By permission of the Trustees of the Scottish National Portrait Gallery.</i></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#lord_young">Lord Young</a></span></td><td align="right">192</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left" style="padding-left: 2em"><i>From a photograph by T. &amp; R. Annan &amp; Sons.</i></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#hon_henry_erskine">The Hon. Henry Erskine</a></span></td><td align="right">200</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left" style="padding-left: 2em"><i>By permission of the Trustees of the Scottish National Portrait Gallery.</i></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#andrew_crosbie">Andrew Crosbie</a></span></td><td align="right">208</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left" style="padding-left: 2em"><i>By permission of the Faculty of Advocates.</i></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#theophilus_parsons">Theophilus Parsons</a></span></td><td align="right">224</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#rufus_choate">Rufus Choate</a></span></td><td align="right">232</td></tr>
+</table></div>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_ONE" id="CHAPTER_ONE"></a>CHAPTER ONE<br />
+THE JUDGES OF ENGLAND<br /></h2>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="poetryblock"><div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"The man resolv'd and steady to his trust,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Inflexible to ill, and obstinately just,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">May the rude rabble's insolence despise,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Their senseless clamours, and tumultuous cries;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The tyrant's fierceness he beguiles,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the stern brow, and the harsh voice defies,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And with superior greatness smiles."<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Horace</span>: <i>Odes</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"The charge is prepared, the lawyers are set;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The judges are ranged, a terrible show."<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><i>Beggar's Opera.</i><br /></span>
+</div></div></div>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>LAW AND LAUGHTER<br />
+BY GEORGE A. MORTON<br />
+AND D. MACLEOD MALLOCH<br /><br /></h2>
+
+<h2>CHAPTER ONE<br />
+THE JUDGES OF ENGLAND</h2>
+
+
+<p>Mr. Justice Darling, whose witty remarks
+from the Bench are so much appreciated by his
+audiences in Court, and, it is rumoured, are not always
+received with approval by his brother judges, says, in
+his amusing book <i>Scintill&aelig; Juris</i>:</p>
+
+<p>"It is a common error to suppose that our law has
+no sense of humour, because for the most part the
+judges who expound it have none."</p>
+
+<p>But law is, after all, a serious business&mdash;at any rate
+for the litigants&mdash;and it would appear also for the attorneys,
+for while witticisms of the Bench and Bar abound,
+very few are recorded of the attorney and his
+client. "Law is law" wrote the satirist who decided
+not to adopt it as a profession. "Law is like a country
+dance; people are led up and down in it till they are
+tired. Law is like a book of surgery&mdash;there are a great
+many terrible cases in it. It is also like physic&mdash;they
+who take least of it are best off. Law is like a homely
+gentlewoman&mdash;very well to follow. Law is like a
+scolding wife&mdash;very bad when it follows us. Law is
+like a new fashion&mdash;people are bewitched to get into
+it. It is also like bad weather&mdash;most people are glad
+when they get out of it."</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</a></span></p>
+<p>From very early times there have appeared on the
+Bench expounders of the law who by the phrase "for
+the most part" must be acquitted of Mr. Justice Darling's
+charge of having no sense of humour; judges
+who, like himself, have lightened the otherwise dreary
+routine of duty by pleasantries which in no way interfered
+with the course of justice. One of the earliest of
+our witty judges, whose brilliant sayings have come
+down to us, was Henry VIII's Lord Chancellor, Sir
+Thomas More, who lost his head because he would not
+acknowledge his king as head of the Church. To Sir
+Thomas Manners, Earl of Rutland, who had made a
+somewhat insolent remark, the Lord Chancellor quietly
+replied, 'Honores mutant mores'&mdash;Honours change
+manners. Sir Thomas's humour was what may be
+called <i>quiet</i>, because its effect did not immediately show
+itself in boisterous merriment, but would undoubtedly
+remain long in the remembrance of those to whom it
+was addressed. Made with as much courtesy as irony,
+is it likely his keeper in the Tower would ever forget
+his remark? "Assure yourself I do not dislike my
+cheer; but whenever I do, then spare not to thrust me
+out of your doors." Nor did his quaint humour desert
+him at the scaffold: "Master Lieutenant," said he, "I pray
+you see me safe up; for my coming down let me shift for
+myself." Even with his head on the block he could
+not resist a humorous remark, when putting aside his
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span>beard he said to the executioner, "Wait, my good
+friend, till I have removed my beard, for it has never
+offended his highness."</p>
+
+<p>Another judge of the sixteenth century, Sir Nicholas
+Bacon, who resembled Sir Thomas More in the
+gentleness of his happiest speeches, could also on occasion
+exhibit an unnecessary coarseness in his jocular
+retorts. A circuit story is told of him in which a
+convicted felon named Hog appealed for remission of
+his sentence on the ground that he was related to his
+lordship. "Nay, my friend," replied the judge, "you
+and I cannot be kindred except you be hanged, for hog
+is not bacon until it be well hung." This retort was
+not quite so coarse as that attributed to the Scottish
+judge, Lord Kames, two centuries later, who on sentencing
+to death a man with whom he had often played
+chess and very frequently been beaten, added after the
+solemn words of doom, "And noo, Matthew, ye'll admit
+that's checkmate for you."</p>
+
+<p>To Lord Chancellor Hatton, also an Elizabethan
+judge who aimed at sprightliness on the Bench, a clever
+<i>mot</i> is attributed. The case before him was one concerning
+the limits of certain land. The counsel having
+remarked with emphasis, 'We lie on this side, my lord,'
+and the opposing counsel with equal vehemence having
+interposed, 'And we lie on this side, my lord'&mdash;the
+Lord Chancellor dryly observed, "If you lie on both
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span>sides, whom am I to believe?" It would seem that
+punning was as great a power in the Law Courts of
+that time as it is at the present day. When Egerton as
+Master of the Rolls was asked to commit a cause&mdash;refer
+it to a Master in Chancery&mdash;he would reply, "What
+has the cause done that it should be committed?"</p>
+
+<p>Many witticisms of Westminster Hall, attributed to
+barristers of the Georgian and Victorian periods, are
+traceable to a much earlier date. There is the story of
+Serjeant Wilkins, whose excuse for drinking a pot of
+stout at mid-day was, that he wanted to fuddle his brain
+down to the intellectual standard of a British jury.
+Two hundred and fifty years earlier, Sir John Millicent,
+a Cambridgeshire judge, on being asked how he
+got on with his brother judges replied, "Why, i' faithe,
+I have no way but to drink myself down to the capacity
+of the Bench." And this merry thought has also been
+attributed to one eminent barrister who became Lord
+Chancellor, and to more than one Scottish advocate
+who ultimately attained to a seat on the Bench.</p>
+
+<p>And to various celebrities of the later Georgian
+period has been attributed Lord Shaftesbury's reply
+to Charles II. When the king exclaimed, "Shaftesbury,
+you are the most profligate man in my dominions,"
+the Chancellor answered somewhat recklessly,
+"Of a subject, sir, I believe I am."</p>
+
+<p>Bullying witnesses is an old practice of the Bar, but
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span>for instances of it emanating from the Bench one has
+to go very far back. A witness with a long beard was
+giving evidence that was displeasing to Jeffreys, when
+judge, who said: "If your conscience is as large as your
+beard, you'll swear anything." The old man retorted:
+"My lord, if your lordship measures consciences by
+beards, your lordship has none at all."</p>
+
+<p>A somewhat similar story of Jeffreys' bullying manner,
+when at the Bar, is that of his cross-examining a
+witness in a leathern doublet, who had made out a
+complete case against his client. Jeffreys shouted:
+"You fellow in the leathern doublet, pray what have
+you for swearing?" The man looked steadily at him,
+and "Truly, sir," said he, "if you have no more for lying
+than I have for swearing, you might wear a leathern
+doublet as well as I."</p>
+
+<p>Instances of disrespect to the Bench are rarely met
+with in early as happily in later days. There is, perhaps,
+the most flagrant example of young Wedderburn
+in the Scottish Court of Session, when with dramatic
+effect he threw off his gown and declared he would
+never enter the Court again; but he rose to be Lord
+Chancellor of England. Scarcely less disrespectful
+(but not said openly to the Bench) was young Edward
+Hyde when hinting that the death of judges was of
+small moment compared with his chances of preferment.
+"Our best news," he wrote to a friend, "is that
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span>we have good wine abundantly come over; our worst
+that the plague is in town, <i>and no judges die</i>."</p>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 295px;">
+<a name="earl_of_rosslyn" id="earl_of_rosslyn"></a>
+<img src="images/earl_of_rosslyn.jpg" width="295" height="395" alt="ALEXANDER WEDDERBURN, EARL OF ROSSLYN, LORD CHANCELLOR." title="" />
+<span class="caption">ALEXANDER WEDDERBURN, EARL OF ROSSLYN, LORD CHANCELLOR.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>In squabbles between the Bench and the Bar there
+are few stories that match for personality the retort of
+a counsel to Lord Fortescue. His lordship was disfigured
+by a purple nose of abnormal growth. Interrupting
+counsel one day with the observation: "Brother,
+brother, you are handling the case in a very lame manner,"
+the angry counsel calmly retorted, "Pardon me,
+my lord; have patience with me and I will do my best
+to make the case as plain as&mdash;as&mdash;the nose on your
+lordship's face." Nor did the retort of an Attorney-General
+to a judge, after a warm discussion on a point
+which the latter claimed to decide, show much respect
+for the Bench. The judge closed the argument with
+"I ruled so and so."&mdash;"<i>You</i> ruled," muttered the Attorney-General.
+"<i>You</i> ruled! You were never fit to
+rule anything but a copy-book."</p>
+
+<p>Verse has been used as a medium of much amusing
+legal wit and humour, although law and law cases do
+not offer very easy subjects for turning into rhyme.
+But a good illustration is afforded by Mr. Justice
+Powis, who had a habit of repeating the phrase, "Look,
+do you see," and "I humbly conceive." At York Assize
+Court on one occasion he said to Mr. Yorke, afterwards
+Lord Hardwicke, "Mr. Yorke, I understand you are
+going to publish a poetical version of 'Coke upon Lyt<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span>telton.'
+Will you favour me with a specimen?"&mdash;"Certainly,
+my lord," replied the barrister, who thereupon
+gravely recited:</p>
+
+<div class="poetryblock">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"He that holdeth his lands in fee<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Need neither shake nor shiver,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I humbly conceive, for, look, do you see,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">They are his and his heirs for ever."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+</div>
+
+<p>In Sir James Burrows' reports is given a poetical
+version of Chief Justice Pratt's decision with regard
+to a woman of English birth who was the widow of a
+foreigner.</p>
+
+<div class="poetryblock">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"A woman having a settlement,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Married a man with none,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The question was, he being dead,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">If what she had was gone.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Quoth Sir John Pratt, 'The settlement<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Suspended doth remain<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Living the husband; but him dead<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">It doth revive again.'"<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="neg2">Chorus of Puisne Judges:<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Living the husband; but him dead<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">It doth revive again."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+</div>
+<p>The Chief Justice's decision having been reversed by
+his successor, Chief Justice Ryder's decision was reported:</p>
+
+<div class="poetryblock">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"A woman having a settlement<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Married a man with none;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He flies and leaves her destitute,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">What then is to be done?<br /></span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span></div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Quoth Ryder the Chief Justice,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">'In spite of Sir John Pratt,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">You'll send her to the parish<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">In which she was a brat.'<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><i>Suspension of a settlement</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Is not to be maintained.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That which she had by birth subsists<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Until another's gained."<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="neg2">Chorus of Puisne Judges:<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"That which she had by birth subsists<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Until another's gained."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+</div>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 316px;">
+<a name="lord_thurlow2" id="lord_thurlow2"></a>
+<img src="images/lord_thurlow.jpg" width="316" height="390" alt="EDWARD THURLOW, BARON THURLOW. LORD CHANCELLOR." title="" />
+<span class="caption">EDWARD THURLOW, BARON THURLOW. LORD CHANCELLOR.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Many of the well-known witticisms attributed to
+great judges are so tinged with personality&mdash;even
+tending to malignity&mdash;that no one possessing respect
+for human nature can read them without being tempted
+to regard them as mere biographical fabrications.
+But such a construction cannot be put upon the stories
+told of Lord Chancellor Thurlow, whose overbearing
+insolence to the Bar is well known. To a few friends
+like John Scott, Lord Eldon, and Lloyd Kenyon, Lord
+Kenyon, he could be consistently indulgent; but to
+those who provoked him by an independent and fearless
+manner he was little short of a persecutor. Once
+when Scott was about to follow his leader, who had
+made an unusually able speech, the Chancellor addressed
+him: "Mr. Scott, I am glad to find you are en<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span>gaged
+in the cause, for I now stand some chance of
+knowing something about the matter." This same
+leader of the Bar on one occasion, in the excitement of
+professional altercation, made use of an undignified
+expression before Lord Thurlow; but before his lordship
+could take notice of it the counsel immediately
+apologised, saying, "My lord, I beg your lordship's
+pardon. I really forgot for the moment where I was."
+A silent recognition of the apology would have made
+the counsel feel his position more keenly, but the
+Chancellor could not let such an opportunity pass and
+immediately flashed out: "You thought you were in
+your own Court, I presume," alluding to a Welsh
+judgeship held by the offending counsel.</p>
+
+<p>As a contrast to Lord Thurlow's treatment of Scott's
+leader, the following story&mdash;given in Scott's own
+words&mdash;shows how the great Chancellor could unbend
+himself in the company of men who were in his favour.
+"After dinner, one day when nobody was present but
+Lord Kenyon and myself, Lord Thurlow said, 'Taffy,
+I decided a cause this morning, and I saw from Scott's
+face that he doubted whether I was right.' Thurlow
+then stated his view of the case, and Kenyon instantly
+said, 'Your decision was quite right.' 'What say you
+to that?' asked the Chancellor. I said, 'I did not presume
+to form a case on which they were both agreed.
+But I think a fact has not been mentioned, which may
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span>be material.' I was about to state the fact, and my
+reasons. Kenyon, however, broke in upon me, and
+with some warmth stated that I was always so obstinate
+there was no dealing with me. 'Nay,' interposed
+Thurlow, 'that's not fair. You, Taffy, are obstinate,
+and give no reasons. You, Jack, are obstinate too; but
+then you give your reasons, and d&mdash;d bad ones they
+are!'"</p>
+
+<p>Another anecdote again illustrates the Chancellor's
+treatment of even those who were on a friendly footing
+with him. Sir Thomas Davenport, a great Nisi
+Prius leader, had long flattered himself with the hope
+of succeeding to some valuable appointment in the law;
+but several good things passing by, he lost his patience
+and temper along with them. At last he addressed
+this laconic application to his patron: "The Chief
+Justiceship of Chester is vacant; am I to have it?" and
+received the following laconic answer: "No! by G&mdash;d!
+Kenyon shall have it."</p>
+
+<p>Scarcely less courteous was this Lord Chancellor's
+treatment of a solicitor who endeavoured to prove to
+him a certain person's death. To all his statements the
+Chancellor replied, "Sir, that is no proof," till at last
+the solicitor losing patience exclaimed: "Really, my
+lord, it is very hard and it is not right that you should
+not believe me. I knew the man well: I saw the man
+dead in his coffin. My lord, the man was my client."
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span>"Good G&mdash;d, sir! why didn't you tell me that sooner?
+I should not have doubted the fact one moment; for I
+think nothing can be so likely to kill a man as to have
+you for his attorney."</p>
+
+<p>As Keeper of the Great Seal Thurlow had the
+alternate presentation to a living with the Bishop
+of &mdash;&mdash;. The Bishop's secretary called upon the
+Lord Chancellor and said, "My Lord Bishop of &mdash;&mdash;
+sends his compliments to your lordship, and believes
+that the next turn to present to &mdash;&mdash; belongs to his
+lordship."&mdash;"Give his lordship my compliments," replied
+the Chancellor, "and tell him that I will see him
+d&mdash;d first before he shall present."&mdash;"This, my lord,"
+retorted the secretary, "is a very unpleasant message
+to deliver to a bishop." To which the Chancellor replied,
+"You are right, it is so; therefore tell the Bishop
+that <i>I will be</i> d&mdash;d first before he shall present."</p>
+
+<p>Lord Campbell in his life of Thurlow says that in
+his youth the Chancellor was credited with wild excesses.
+There was a story, believed at the time, of
+some early amour with the daughter of a Dean of Canterbury,
+to which the Duchess of Kingston alluded
+when on her trial at the House of Lords. Looking Thurlow,
+then Attorney-General, full in the face she said,
+"That learned gentleman dwelt much on my faults, but
+I too, if I chose, could tell a Canterbury tale."</p>
+
+<p>But with all his bitterness and sarcasm Lord Thur<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span>low
+had a genuine sense of humour, as the following
+story of his Cambridge days illustrates&mdash;days when
+he was credited with more disorderly pranks and impudent
+escapades than attention to study. "Sir," observed
+a tutor, "I never come to the window but I
+see you idling in the Court."&mdash;"Sir," replied the future
+Lord Chancellor, "I never come into the Court but I
+see you idling at the window."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 292px;">
+<a name="earl_of_mansfield" id="earl_of_mansfield"></a>
+<img src="images/earl_of_mansfield.jpg" width="292" height="390" alt="WILLIAM MURRAY, EARL OF MANSFIELD, LORD CHIEF JUSTICE." title="" />
+<span class="caption">WILLIAM MURRAY, EARL OF MANSFIELD, LORD CHIEF JUSTICE.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Mansfield was not credited with lively sensibility,
+but his humanity was shocked at the thought of killing
+a man for a trifling theft. Trying a prisoner at the Old
+Baily on the charge of stealing in a dwelling-house to
+the value of 40<i>s.</i>&mdash;when this was a capital offence&mdash;he
+advised the jury to find a gold trinket, the subject of
+the indictment, to be of less value. The prosecutor exclaimed
+with indignation, "Under 40<i>s.</i>, my lord! Why,
+the <i>fashion</i> alone cost me more than double the sum."&mdash;"God
+forbid, gentlemen, we should hang a man for
+fashion's sake," observed Lord Mansfield to the jury.</p>
+
+<p>An indictment was tried before him at the Assizes,
+preferred by parish officers for keeping an hospital for
+lying-in women, whereby the parish was burdened by
+illegitimate children. He expressed doubts whether
+this was an indictable offence, and after hearing arguments
+in support of it he thus gave his judgment. "We
+sit here under a Commission requiring us to <i>deliver</i>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span>this gaol, and the statute has been cited to make it unlawful
+to <i>deliver</i> a woman who is with child. Let the
+indictment be quashed."</p>
+
+<p>Having met at supper the famous Dr. Brocklesby,
+he entered into familiar conversation with him, and
+there was an interchange of stories just a little trenching
+on the decorous. It so happened that the doctor
+had to appear next morning before Lord Mansfield in
+the witness-box; and on the strength of the previous
+evening's doings the witness, on taking up his position,
+nodded to the Chief Justice with offensive familiarity
+as to a boon companion. His lordship taking no notice
+of his salutation, but writing down his evidence, when
+he came to summing it up to the jury thus proceeded:
+"The next witness is one Rocklesby or Brocklesby,
+Brocklesby or Rocklesby&mdash;I am not sure which&mdash;and
+first he swears he is a physician."</p>
+
+<p>Lord Chief Baron Parker, in his eighty-seventh
+year, having observed to Lord Mansfield who was seventy-eight:
+"Your lordship and myself are now at sevens
+and eights," the younger Chief Justice replied: "Would
+you have us to be all our lives at sixes and sevens?
+But let us talk of young ladies and not old age."</p>
+
+<p>Trying an action which arose from the collision of
+two ships at sea, a sailor who gave an account of the
+accident said, "At the time I was standing abaft the
+binnacle."&mdash;"Where is abaft the binnacle?" asked
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span>Lord Mansfield; upon which the witness, who had
+taken a large share of grog before coming into Court,
+exclaimed loud enough to be heard by all present: "A
+pretty fellow to be a judge, who don't know where
+abaft the binnacle is!" Lord Mansfield, instead of
+threatening to commit him for contempt, said: "Well,
+my friend, fit me for my office by telling me where
+<i>abaft the binnacle is</i>; you have already shown me the
+meaning of <i>half-seas over</i>."</p>
+
+<p>On one occasion Lord Mansfield covered his retreat
+from an untenable position with a sparkling pleasantry.
+An old witness named ELM having given his evidence
+with remarkable clearness, although he was
+more than eighty years of age, Lord Mansfield examined
+him as to his habitual mode of living, and found
+he had been through life an early riser and a singularly
+temperate man. "Ay," remarked the Chief Justice, in
+a tone of approval, "I have always found that without
+temperance and early habits longevity is never attained."
+The next witness, the elder brother of this
+model of temperance, was then called, and he almost
+surpassed his brother as an intelligent and clear-headed
+utterer of evidence. "I suppose," observed
+Lord Mansfield, "that you are an early riser?"&mdash;"No,
+my lord," answered the veteran stoutly; "I like my
+bed at all hours, and special-<i>lie</i> I like it of a morning."&mdash;"Ah,
+but like your brother, you are a very temper<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span>ate
+man?" quickly asked the judge, looking out anxiously
+for the safety of the more important part of his
+theory. "My lord," responded this ancient Elm, disdaining
+to plead guilty to a charge of habitual sobriety,
+"I am a very old man, and my memory is as clear as a
+bell, but I can't remember the night when I've gone to
+bed without being more or less drunk."&mdash;"Ah, my
+lord," Mr. Dunning exclaimed, "this old man's case
+supports a theory unheld by many persons&mdash;that
+habitual intemperance is favourable to longevity."&mdash;"No,
+no," replied the Chief Justice with a smile; "this
+old man and his brother merely teach us what every
+carpenter knows&mdash;that Elm, whether it be wet or dry,
+is a very tough wood."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 285px;">
+<a name="earl_of_eldon" id="earl_of_eldon"></a>
+<img src="images/earl_of_eldon.jpg" width="285" height="392" alt="JOHN SCOTT, EARL OF ELDON, LORD CHANCELLOR." title="" />
+<span class="caption">JOHN SCOTT, EARL OF ELDON, LORD CHANCELLOR.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Lord Eldon's good humour gained him the affection
+of all counsel who practised before him, but there is
+one story&mdash;apocryphal it may be, coming from Lord
+Campbell&mdash;of a prejudice he had against Lord Brougham,
+who, in Scottish cases, frequently appeared before
+him in the House of Lords. Lord Eldon persisted in
+addressing the advocate as Mr. Bruffam. This was too
+much for Brougham, who was rather proud of the form
+and antiquity of his name, and who at last, in exasperation,
+sent a note to the Chancellor, intimating that his
+name was pronounced "Broom." At the conclusion of
+the argument the Chancellor stated, "Every authority
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span>upon the question has been brought before us: new
+Brooms sweep clean."</p>
+
+<p>As Lord Chancellor, Lord Eldon's great foible was
+an apparent inability to arrive at an early decision on
+any question: it was really a desire to weigh carefully
+all sides of a question before expressing his opinion.
+This hesitancy was expressed in the formula "I doubt,"
+which became the subject of frequent jests among the
+members of the Bar.</p>
+
+<p>Sir George Rose, in absence of the regular reporter
+of Lord Eldon's decisions, was requested to take a note
+of any decision which should be given. As a full record
+of all that was material, which had occurred during the
+day, Sir George made the following entry in the reporter's
+notebook:</p>
+
+<div class="poetryblock">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Mr. Leach made a speech,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Angry, neat, but wrong;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Mr. Hart, on the other part,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Was heavy, dull, and long;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Mr. Parker made the case darker,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Which was dark enough without;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Mr. Cooke cited his book;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the Chancellor said&mdash;I doubt."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+</div>
+
+<p>This <i>jeu d'esprit</i>, flying about Westminster Hall,
+reached the Chancellor, who was very much amused
+with it, notwithstanding the allusion to his doubting
+propensity. Soon after, Sir George Rose having to
+argue before him a very untenable proposition, he gave
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span>his opinion very gravely, and with infinite grace and
+felicity thus concluded: "For these reasons the judgment
+must be against your clients; and here, Sir
+George, the Chancellor does not <i>doubt</i>."</p>
+
+<p>The following was Lord Eldon's answer to an application
+for a piece of preferment from his old friend Dr.
+Fisher, of the Charter House:</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Dear Fisher</span>,&mdash;I cannot, to-day, give you the
+preferment for which you ask.&mdash;I remain, your sincere
+friend, <span class="smcap">Eldon</span>." Then, on the other side, "I gave it
+to you yesterday."</p>
+
+<p>According to his biographer, Lord Eldon caused a
+loud laugh while the old Duke of Norfolk was fast
+asleep in the House of Lords, and amusing their lordships
+with "that tuneful nightingale, his nose," by announcing
+from the woolsack, with solemn emphasis,
+that the Commons had sent up a bill for "enclosing
+and dividing Great Snoring in the county of Norfolk!"</p>
+
+<p>Like Lord Thurlow, Lord Eldon was in close intimacy
+with George III in the days when his Majesty's
+mind was supposed to be not very strong. "I took
+down to Kew," relates his lordship, "some Bills for his
+assent, and I placed on a paper the titles and the effect
+of them. The king, being perhaps suspicious that my
+coming down might be to judge of his competence for
+public business, as I was reading over the titles of the
+different Acts of Parliament he interrupted me and
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span>said: 'You are not acting correctly, you should do one
+of two things; either bring me down the Acts for my
+perusal, or say, as Thurlow once said to me on a like
+occasion, having read several he stopped and said, "It
+is all d&mdash;d nonsense trying to make you understand
+them, and you had better consent to them at once."'"</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>It is not often, but it sometimes happens that a judge
+finds himself in conflict with members of the public
+who are under no restraint of professional privilege or
+etiquette. Some maintain the dignity of the Court by
+fining and committing for contempt. Occasionally this
+may be necessary, but it has been found that delicate
+ridicule is often more effective. An attorney, pleading
+his cause before Lord Ellenborough, became exasperated
+because the untenable points he continually
+raised were invariably overruled, and exclaimed, "My
+lord, my lord, although your lordship is so great a man
+now, I remember the time when I could have got your
+opinion for five shillings." With an amused smile his
+lordship quietly observed, "Sir, I say it was not worth
+the money."</p>
+
+<p>The same judge used to be greatly annoyed during
+the season of colds with the noise of coughing in Court.
+On one occasion, when disturbances of this kind recurred
+with more than usual frequency, he was seen
+fidgeting about in his seat, and availing himself of a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span>
+slight cessation observed in his usual emphatic manner:
+"Some slight interruption one <i>might</i> tolerate, but
+there seems to be an <i>industry</i> of coughing."</p>
+
+<p>As an illustration of figurative oratory a good story
+is told of a barrister pleading before Lord Ellenborough:
+"My lord, I appear before you in the character
+of an advocate for the City of London; my lord, the
+City of London herself appears before you as a suppliant
+for justice. My lord, it is written in the book of
+nature."&mdash;"What book?" said Lord Ellenborough.
+"The book of nature."&mdash;"Name the page," said his lordship,
+holding his pen uplifted, as if to note the page
+down.</p>
+
+<p>Moore relates the story of a noble lord in the course
+of one of his speeches saying, "I ask myself so and so,"
+and repeating the words "I ask myself." "Yes," quietly
+remarked Lord Ellenborough, "and a d&mdash;d foolish answer
+you'll get."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>The comparison of a father and son who have both
+ascended the Bench has afforded a good story of a famous
+Scottish advocate which is told later, and the following
+is an equally cutting retort from the Bench to
+any assumed superiority through such a connection. A
+son of Lord Chief Justice Willes (who rose to the rank
+of a Puisne Judge) was checked one day for wandering
+from the subject. "I wish that you would remember,"
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span>he exclaimed, "that I am the son of a Chief Justice."
+To which Justice Gould replied with great simplicity,
+"Oh, we remember your father, but he was a sensible
+man."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>When hanging was the sentence, on conviction, for
+crimes&mdash;in these days termed offences&mdash;which are now
+punished by imprisonment, some judges from meting
+out the sentence of death almost indiscriminately came
+to be known as "hanging judges." Justice Page was one
+of them. When he was decrepit he perpetrated a joke
+against himself. Coming out of the Court one day and
+shuffling along the street a friend stopped him to inquire
+after his health. "My dear sir," the judge replied,
+"you see I keep just hanging on&mdash;hanging on."</p>
+
+<p>A Chief Justice of the "hanging" period, whose integrity
+was not above suspicion, was sitting in Court
+one day at his ease and lolling on his elbow, when a
+convict from the dock hurled a stone at him which fortunately
+passed over his head. "You see," said the
+learned man as he smilingly received the congratulations
+of those present&mdash;"you see now, if I had been
+an <i>upright judge</i> I had been slain."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 292px;">
+<a name="lord_kenyon" id="lord_kenyon"></a>
+<img src="images/lord_kenyon.jpg" width="292" height="390" alt="LLOYD KENYON, BARON KENYON, LORD CHIEF JUSTICE." title="" />
+<span class="caption">LLOYD KENYON, BARON KENYON, LORD CHIEF JUSTICE.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Some of the stories respecting Lord Kenyon's historical
+allusions and quotations are surely greatly exaggerated,
+or are pure inventions. In addressing a jury
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span>in a blasphemy case, he is reported to have said that
+the Emperor Julian "was so celebrated for the practice
+of every Christian virtue that he was called 'Julian the
+Apostle'"; and to have concluded an elaborate address
+in dismissing a grand jury with the following valediction:
+"Having thus discharged your consciences, gentlemen,
+you may return to your homes in peace, with
+the delightful consciousness of having performed your
+duties well, and may lay your heads on your pillows,
+saying to yourselves 'Aut C&aelig;sar, aut nullus.'" And
+this was his remark on detecting the trick of an attorney
+to delay a trial: "This is the last hair in the
+tail of procrastination, and it must be plucked
+out."</p>
+
+<p>Among other failings attributed to this Lord Chief
+Justice was the extreme penuriousness he practised in
+his domestic arrangements and his dress. His shoes
+were patched to such an extent that little of their original
+material could be seen, and once when trying a
+case he was sitting on the bench in a way to expose
+them to all in Court. It was an action for breach of contract
+to deliver shoes soundly made, and to clinch a
+witness for the pursuer he suddenly asked, "Were the
+shoes anything like these?" pointing to his own. "No,
+my lord," replied the witness, "they were a good deal
+better and more genteeler."</p>
+
+<p>As an example of his (Lord Kenyon's) style of ad<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span>dressing
+a condemned prisoner we have the following.
+A butler had been charged and convicted of stealing
+his master's wine.</p>
+
+<p>"Prisoner at the bar, you stand convicted on the
+most conclusive evidence of a crime of inexpressible
+atrocity&mdash;a crime that defiles the sacred springs of
+domestic confidence, and is calculated to strike alarm
+into the breast of every Englishman who invests largely
+in the choicer vintages of Southern Europe. Like
+the serpent of old, you have stung the hand of your
+protector. Fortunate in having a generous employer,
+you might without discovery have continued to supply
+your wretched wife and children with the comforts of
+sufficient prosperity, and even with some of the luxuries
+of affluence; but, dead to every claim of natural
+affection, and blind to your own real interest, you
+burst through all the restraints of religion and morality,
+and have for many years been <i>feathering</i> your nest
+with your master's <i>bottles</i>."</p>
+
+<p>Lord Kenyon was warmly attached to George III,
+who had a high opinion of him; but like many of his
+lordship's contemporaries, his Majesty strongly deprecated
+the frequent outbursts of temper on the part
+of his Chief Justice. "At a levee, soon after an extraordinary
+explosion of ill-humour in the Court of King's
+Bench, his Majesty said to him: 'My Lord Chief Justice,
+I hear that you have lost your temper, and from
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span>my great regard for you, I am very glad to hear it, for
+I hope you will find a better one.'"</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Of Lord Chief Justice Tenterden, Lord Campbell
+asserts that he once, and only once, uttered a pun. A
+learned gentleman, who had lectured on the law and
+was too much addicted to oratory came to argue a
+special demurrer before him. "My client's opponent,"
+said the figurative advocate, "worked like a mole under
+ground, <i>clam et secret&egrave;</i>." His figures only elicited
+a grunt from the Chief Justice. "It is asserted in Aristotle's
+<i>Rhetoric</i>&mdash;."&mdash;"I don't want to hear what is asserted
+in Aristotle's <i>Rhetoric</i>," interposed Lord Tenterden.
+The advocate shifted his ground and took up,
+as he thought, a safe position. "It is laid down in the
+<i>Pandects</i> of Justinian&mdash;." "Where are you got now?"
+"It is a principle of the civil law&mdash;." "Oh sir," exclaimed
+the judge, with a tone and voice which abundantly
+justified his assertion, "we have nothing to do
+with the <i>civil</i> law in this Court."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Judges sometimes stray into humour without intending
+it. At an election petition trial one allegation
+was, that a number of rosettes, or "marks of
+distinction," had been kept in a table drawer in the
+central committee-room. To meet this charge it was
+thought desirable to call witnesses to swear that the
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span>only table in the room consisted of planks laid on
+trestles. "So that the table had no proper legs," said
+counsel cheerfully. "Never mind whether it had proper
+legs," said one of the learned judges. "The more
+important question is: Had it drawers?"</p>
+
+<p>And in <i>The Story of Crime</i> the author recalls an instance
+of a judge unconsciously furnishing material
+for laughter in Court. "At the beginning of the session
+at the Old Baily a good deal of work is got through
+by the judge who takes the small cases, and it may be
+this fact that accounted for the confusion of thought
+which he describes. One of the prisoners was charged
+with stealing a camera, and after all the evidence had
+been taken his lordship proceeded to sum up to the
+jury. He began by correctly describing the stolen article
+as a camera, but had not gone very far before the
+camera had become a concertina, and by the time he
+had finished the concertina had become an accordion.
+And he never once saw his mistake. The usher noticed
+it at the first trip, and kept repeating in a kind of
+hoarse stage-whisper, 'Camera! Camera!' but his
+voice did not reach the Bench, and so the complicated
+article remained on record."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Andrews in his book, <i>The Lawyer in History,
+Literature, and Humour</i>, relates that a leader of the
+Bar on rising to address the drowsy jury after a ponderous
+oration by Sir Samuel Prime, said: "Gentle<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span>men,
+after the long speech of the learned serjeant&mdash;"
+"Sir, I beg your pardon," interrupted Mr. Justice
+Nares, "you might say&mdash;you might say&mdash;after the long
+soliloquy, for my brother Prime has been talking an
+hour to himself."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 285px;">
+<a name="lord_erskine" id="lord_erskine"></a>
+<img src="images/lord_erskine.jpg" width="285" height="390" alt="THOMAS ERSKINE, BARON ERSKINE, LORD CHANCELLOR." title="" />
+<span class="caption">THOMAS ERSKINE, BARON ERSKINE, LORD CHANCELLOR.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Thomas, Lord Erskine was the youngest of three
+brothers, who were all distinguished men. The eldest
+was the well-known Earl of Buchan, one of the founders
+of the Society of Antiquaries of Scotland, whose
+eccentricities formed the subject of much gossip in the
+Scottish capital. To an English nobleman he declared:
+"My brothers Harry and Tom are certainly remarkable
+men, but they owe everything to me." Seeing a
+look of surprise upon his friend's face he added: "Yes,
+it is true; they owe everything to me. On my father's
+death they pressed me for an annual allowance. I
+knew this would have been their ruin, by relaxing their
+industry. So making a sacrifice of my inclinations to
+gratify them I refused to give them a farthing, and they
+have thriven ever since&mdash;<i>owing everything to me</i>."</p>
+
+<p>Henry, the second brother, was universally beloved
+and respected, and one of the most popular advocates
+at the Scottish Bar. He was twice Lord-Advocate for
+Scotland&mdash;on the second occasion under the Ministry
+of "All the Talents," when his younger brother was
+Lord Chancellor. He was famous in the Parliament
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span>House and outside of it for his witticisms, a selection
+of which will be given later.</p>
+
+<p>Thomas, who became Lord Chancellor, obtained an
+unique influence while practising at the Bar, and, like
+his older brother, he was a universal favourite. "Juries
+have declared," said Lord Brougham, "that they have
+felt it impossible to remove their looks from him when
+he had riveted, and as it were fascinated, them by his
+first glance. Then hear his voice, of surpassing sweetness,
+clear, flexible, strong, exquisitely fitted to strains
+of serious earnestness." Yet although he did not rely
+on wit, or humour, or sarcasm in addressing a jury,
+he could use them to effect in cross-examination. "You
+were born and bred in Manchester, I perceive," he said
+to a witness. "Yes."&mdash;"I knew it," said Erskine carelessly,
+"from the absurd tie of your neckcloth." The
+witness' presence of mind was gone, and he was made
+to unsay the greatest part of his evidence in chief.
+Another witness confounding 'thick' whalebone with
+'long' whalebone, and unable to distinguish the difference
+after counsel's explanation, Erskine exclaimed,
+"Why, man, you do not seem to know the difference
+between what is <i>thick</i> or what is <i>long</i>! Now I
+tell you the difference. You are <i>thick</i>-headed, and you
+are not <i>long</i>-headed."</p>
+
+<p>Lord Erskine's addiction to punning is well known,
+and many examples might be cited. An action was
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span>brought against a stable-keeper for not taking proper
+care of a horse. "The horse," said counsel for the
+plaintiff, "was turned into the stable, with nothing to
+eat but musty hay. To such the horse 'demurred.'"&mdash;"He
+should have 'gone to the country,'" at once retorted
+Lord Erskine. For the general reader it should
+be explained that "demurring" and "going to the
+country" are technical terms for requiring a cause to
+be decided on a question of law by the judge, or on a
+question of fact by the jury. Here is another. A low-class
+attorney who was much employed in bail-business
+and moving attachments against the sheriff for
+not "bringing in the body"&mdash;that is, not arresting and
+imprisoning a debtor, when such was the law&mdash;sold
+his house in Lincoln's Inn Fields to the Corporation,
+of Surgeons to be used as their Hall. "I suppose it
+was recommended to them," said Erskine, "from the
+attorney being so well acquainted 'with the practice of
+bringing in the body!'"</p>
+
+<p>Perhaps one of his smartest puns he relates himself.
+"A case being laid before me by my veteran friend,
+the Duke of Queensberry&mdash;better known as 'old Q'&mdash;as
+to whether he could sue a tradesman for breach of
+contract about the painting of his house; and the evidence
+being totally insufficient to support the case, I
+wrote thus: 'I am of opinion that this action will not lie
+unless the witnesses do.'"</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span></p>
+<p>He was also fond of a practical joke. In answer to a
+circular letter from Sir John Sinclair, proposing that a
+testimonial should be presented to himself for his
+eminent public services, Lord Erskine replied:</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"<span class="smcap">My dear Sir John</span>,&mdash;I am certain there are few
+in this kingdom who set a higher value on your public
+services than myself; and I have the honour to subscribe"&mdash;then,
+on turning over the leaf, was to be
+found&mdash;"myself, your most obedient faithful servant,</p>
+
+<p>
+"<span class="smcap">Erskine</span>."<br />
+</p></div>
+
+<p>"Gentlemen of the jury," were his closing words
+after an impassioned address, "the reputation of a
+cheesemonger in the City of London is like the bloom
+upon a peach. Breathe upon it, and it is gone for
+ever."</p>
+
+<p>Among many apocryphal stories told of expedients
+by which smart counsel have gained verdicts, this one
+respecting a case in which Mr. Justice Gould was the
+judge and Erskine counsel for the defendant is least
+likely of credit. The judge entertained a most unfavourable
+opinion of the defendant's case, but being very
+old was scarcely audible, and certainly unintelligible,
+to the jury. While he was summing up the case, Erskine,
+sitting on the King's Counsel Bench, and full in
+the view of the jury, nodded assent to the various re<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span>marks
+which fell from the judge; and the jury, imagining
+that they had been directed to find for the defendant,
+immediately did so.</p>
+
+<p>When at the Bar, Erskine was always encouraged
+by the appreciation of his brother barristers. On one
+occasion, when making an unusual exertion on behalf
+of a client, he turned to Mr. Garrow, who was his colleague,
+and not perceiving any sign of approbation on
+his countenance, he whispered to him, "Who do you
+think can get on with that d&mdash;d wet blanket face of
+yours before him."</p>
+
+<p>Nor did he always exhibit graciousness to older
+members. One nervous old barrister named Lamb,
+who usually prefaced his pleadings with an apology,
+said to Erskine one day that he felt more timid as he
+grew older. "No wonder," replied Erskine, "the older
+the lamb the more sheepish he grows."</p>
+
+<p>When he was Lord Chancellor he was invited to attend
+the ministerial fish dinner at Greenwich&mdash;known
+in later years as the Whitebait Dinner&mdash;he replied:
+"To be sure I will attend. What would your fish dinner
+be without the Great Seal?"</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>When a stupid jury returns an obviously wrong verdict
+the judge must feel himself in an awkward position;
+but in such cases&mdash;if they ever occur now&mdash;a good
+precedent has been set by Mr. Justice Maule who,
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span>when in that predicament, addressed the prisoner in
+these terms:</p>
+
+<p>"Prisoner, your counsel thinks you innocent, the
+prosecution thinks you innocent, and I think you innocent.
+But a jury of your own fellow-countrymen, in
+the exercise of such common sense as they possess,
+have found you guilty, and it remains that I should pass
+sentence upon you. You will be imprisoned for one day,
+and as that day was yesterday, you are free to go about
+your business."</p>
+
+<p>"May God strike me dead! my lord, if I did it," excitedly
+exclaimed a prisoner who had been tried before
+the same justice for a serious offence, and a verdict of
+"guilty" returned by the jury. The judge looked grave,
+and paused an unusually long time before saying a
+word. At last, amid breathless silence, he began: "As
+Providence has not seen fit to interpose in your case, it
+now becomes my duty to pronounce upon you the sentence
+of the law," &amp;c. When somewhat excited over a
+very bad case tried before him he would delay sentence
+until he felt calmer, lest his impulse or his temper
+should lead him astray. On one such occasion he exclaimed,
+"I can't pass sentence now. I might be too
+severe. I feel as if I could give the man five-and-twenty
+years' penal servitude. Bring him up to-morrow when
+I feel calmer."&mdash;"Thank you, my lord," said the prisoner,
+"I know you will think better of it in the morn<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span>ing."
+Next day the man appeared in the dock for
+sentence. "Prisoner," said the judge, "I was angry
+yesterday, but I am calm to-day. I have spent a night
+thinking of your awful deeds, and I find on inquiry
+I can sentence you to penal servitude for life. I
+therefore pass upon you that sentence. I have
+thought better of what I was inclined to do yesterday."</p>
+
+<p>There are instances of brief summing up of a case
+by judges, but few in the terms expressed by this worthy
+judge. "If you believe the witnesses for the plaintiff,
+you will find for the defendant; if you believe the
+witnesses for the defendant, you will find for the plaintiff.
+If, like myself, you don't believe any of them,
+Heaven knows which way you will find. Consider your
+verdict."</p>
+
+<p>To Mr. Justice Maule a witness said: "You may believe
+me or not, but I have stated not a word that is
+false, for I have been wedded to truth from my infancy."&mdash;"Yes,
+sir," said the judge dryly; "but the question is,
+<i>how long have you been a widower?</i>"</p>
+
+<p>In the good old days a learned counsel of ferocious
+mien and loud voice, practising before him, received a
+fine rebuke from the justice. No reply could be got
+from an elderly lady in the box, and the counsel appealed
+to the judge. "I really cannot answer," said
+the trembling lady. "Why not, ma'am?" asked the
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span>judge. "Because, my lord, he frightens me so."&mdash;"So
+he does me, ma'am," replied the judge.</p>
+
+<p>He was as a rule patient and forbearing, and seldom
+interfered with counsel in their mode of laying cases
+before a jury or the Bench, but once he was fairly provoked
+to do so, by the confused blundering way in
+which one of them was trying to instil a notion of what
+he meant into the minds of the jury. "I am sorry to
+interfere, Mr. &mdash;&mdash;," said the judge, "but do you not
+think that, by introducing a little order into your narrative,
+you might possibly render yourself a trifle more
+intelligible? It may be my fault that I cannot follow you&mdash;I
+know that my brain is getting old and dilapidated;
+but I should like to stipulate for some sort of order.
+There are plenty of them. There is the chronological,
+the botanical, the metaphysical, the geographical&mdash;even
+the alphabetical order would be better than no
+order at all."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Baron Thomson, of the Court of Exchequer, was
+asked how he got on in his Court with the business,
+when he sat between Chief Baron Macdonald and
+Baron Graham. He replied, "What between snuff-box
+on one side, and chatterbox on the other, we get on
+pretty well!"</p>
+
+<p>Sir Richard Bethel, Lord Westbury, and Lord
+Campbell were on very friendly terms. An amusing
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span>story is told of a meeting of the two in Westminster
+Hall, when the first rumour of Lord Campbell's appointment
+as Lord Chancellor was current. The day
+being cold for the time of the year, Lord Campbell had
+gone down to the House of Lords in a fur coat, and
+Bethel, observing this, pretended not to recognise him.
+Thereupon Campbell came up to him and said: "Mr.
+Attorney, don't you know me?"&mdash;"I beg your pardon,
+my lord," was the reply. "I mistook you for the <i>Great
+Seal</i>."</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 293px;">
+<a name="lord_westbury" id="lord_westbury"></a>
+<img src="images/lord_westbury.jpg" width="293" height="390" alt="RICHARD BETHEL, BARON WESTBURY, LORD CHANCELLOR." title="" />
+<span class="caption">RICHARD BETHEL, BARON WESTBURY, LORD CHANCELLOR.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Lord Cranworth, Vice-Chancellor, after hearing Sir
+Richard Bethel's argument in an appeal, said he
+"would turn the matter over in his mind." Sir Richard
+turning to his junior with his usual bland calm utterance
+said: "Take a note of that; his honour says he
+will turn it over in what he is pleased to call his mind."</p>
+
+<p>Sir James Scarlett, Lord Abinger, had to examine
+a witness whose evidence would be somewhat dangerous
+unless he was thrown off his guard and "rattled."
+The witness in question&mdash;an influential man, whose
+vulnerable point was said to be his self-esteem&mdash;was
+ushered into the box, a portly overdressed person,
+beaming with self-assurance. Looking him over for a
+few minutes without saying a word Sir James opened
+fire: "Mr. Tompkins, I believe?"&mdash;"Yes."&mdash;"You are a
+stockbroker, I believe, are you not?"&mdash;"I ham." Pausing
+for a few seconds and making an attentive survey
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span>of him, Sir James remarked sententiously, "And a very
+fine and well-dressed ham you are, sir."</p>
+
+<p>In a breach of promise case Scarlett appeared for
+the defendant, who was supposed to have been cajoled
+into the engagement by the plaintiff's mother, a titled
+lady. The mother, as a witness, completely baffled the
+defendant's clever counsel when under his cross-examination;
+but by one of his happiest strokes of advocacy,
+Scarlett turned his failure into success. "You
+saw, gentlemen of the jury, that I was but a child in
+her hands. <i>What must my client have been?</i>"</p>
+
+<p>Sir James was a noted cross-examiner and verdict-getter,
+but on one occasion he was beaten. Tom Cooke,
+a well-known actor and musician in his day, was a witness
+in a case in which Sir James had him under cross-examination.</p>
+
+<p>Scarlett: "Sir, you say that the two melodies are
+the same, but different; now what do you mean by that,
+sir?"</p>
+
+<p>Cooke: "I said that the notes in the two copies are
+alike, but with a different accent."</p>
+
+<p>Scarlett: "What is a musical accent?"</p>
+
+<p>Cooke: "My terms are nine guineas a quarter, sir."</p>
+
+<p>Scarlett (ruffled): "Never mind your terms here. I
+ask you what is a musical accent? Can you see it?"</p>
+
+<p>Cooke: "No."</p>
+
+<p>Scarlett: "Can you feel it?"</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span></p><p>Cooke: "A musician can."</p>
+
+<p>Scarlett (angrily): "Now, sir, don't beat about the
+bush, but explain to his lordship and the jury, who are
+expected to know nothing about music, the meaning
+of what you call accent."</p>
+
+<p>Cooke: "Accent in music is a certain stress laid
+upon a particular note, in the same manner as you
+would lay stress upon a given word, for the purpose
+of being better understood. For instance, if I were to
+say, 'You are an <i>ass</i>,' it rests on ass, but if I were to
+say, '<i>You</i> are an ass,' it rests on you, Sir James." The
+judge, with as much gravity as he could assume, then
+asked the crestfallen counsel, "Are you satisfied, Sir
+James."&mdash;"The witness may go down," was the counsel's
+reply.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Lord Justice Holt, when a young man, was very dissipated,
+and belonged to a club, most of whose members
+took an infamous course of life. When his lordship
+was engaged at the Old Baily a man was convicted
+of highway robbery, whom the judge remembered to
+have been one of his early companions. Moved by curiosity,
+Holt, thinking the man did not recognise him,
+asked what had become of his old associates. The
+culprit making a low bow, and giving a deep sigh, replied,
+"Oh, my lord, they are all hanged but your lordship
+and I."</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span></p>
+<p>We have already given examples of personalities in
+the retorts of counsel upon members of the Bench,
+and if the same derogatory reflection can be traced in
+the two following anecdotes of judges' retorts on counsel,
+it is at least veiled in finer sarcasm. A nervous
+young barrister was conducting a first case before
+Vice-Chancellor Bacon, and on rising to make his
+opening remarks began in a faint voice: "My lord, I
+must apologise&mdash;er&mdash;I must apologise, my lord"&mdash;"Go
+on, sir," said his lordship blandly; "so far the
+Court is with you." The other comes from an Australian
+Court. Counsel was addressing Chief Justice
+Holroyd when a portion of the plaster of the Court
+ceiling fell, and he stopping his speech for the moment,
+incautiously advanced the suggestion, "Dry rot has
+probably been the cause of that, my lord."&mdash;"I am
+quite of your opinion, Mr. &mdash;&mdash;," observed his lordship.</p>
+
+<p>On the other hand, judges can be severely personal
+at times, and Lord Justice Chitty was almost brutal in
+a case where counsel had been arguing to distraction
+on a bill of sale. "I will now proceed to address myself
+to the furniture&mdash;an item covered by the bill," counsel
+continued. "You have been doing nothing else for the
+last hour," lamented the weary judge.</p>
+
+<p>And Mr. Justice Wills once made a rather cutting
+remark to a barrister. The barrister was, in the judge's
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span>private opinion, simply wasting the time of the Court,
+and, in the course of a long-winded speech, he dwelt
+at quite unnecessary length on the appearance of certain
+bags connected with the case. "They might," he
+went on pompously, "they might have been full bags,
+or they might have been half-filled bags, or they might
+even have been empty bags, or&mdash;."&mdash;"Or perhaps,"
+dryly interpolated the judge, "they might have been
+wind-bags!"</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 292px;">
+<a name="lord_brougham" id="lord_brougham"></a>
+<img src="images/lord_brougham.jpg" width="292" height="390" alt="HENRY BROUGHAM, BARON BROUGHAM AND VAUX, LORD CHANCELLOR." title="" />
+<span class="caption">HENRY BROUGHAM, BARON BROUGHAM AND VAUX, LORD CHANCELLOR.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>When Lord Brougham attained the position of Lord
+Chancellor he was greatly addicted to the habit of
+writing during the course of counsel's argument of the
+case being heard before him. On one occasion this
+practice so annoyed Sir Edward Sugden, whenever he
+noticed it, that he paused in the course of his argument,
+expecting his lordship to stop writing; but the Chancellor,
+without even looking up, remarked, "Go on, Sir
+Edward; I am listening to you."&mdash;"I observe that your
+lordship is engaged in writing, and not favouring me
+with your attention," replied Sir Edward. "I am signing
+papers of mere form," warmly retorted the Chancellor.
+"You may as well say that I am not to blow my
+nose or take snuff while you speak."</p>
+
+<p>When counsel at the Bar, a witness named John
+Labron was thus cross-examined by Brougham at
+York Assizes:</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span></p>
+<p>"What are you?"</p>
+
+<p>"I am a farmer, and malt a little."</p>
+
+<p>"Do you know Dick Strother?"</p>
+
+<p>"No."</p>
+
+<p>"Upon your oath, sir, are you not generally known
+by the name of Dick Strother?"</p>
+
+<p>"That has nothing to do with this business."</p>
+
+<p>"I insist upon hearing an answer. Have you not obtained
+that name?"</p>
+
+<p>"I am sometimes called so."</p>
+
+<p>"Now, Dick, as you admit you are so called, do you
+know the story of the hare and the ball of wax?"</p>
+
+<p>"I have heard it."</p>
+
+<p>"Then pray have the goodness to relate it to the
+judge and the jury."</p>
+
+<p>"I do not exactly remember it."</p>
+
+<p>"Then I will refresh your memory by relating it myself.
+Dick Strother was a cobbler, and being in want of
+a hare for a friend, he put in his pocket a ball of wax
+and took a walk into the fields, where he soon espied
+one. Dick then very dexterously threw the ball of wax
+at her head, where it stuck, which so alarmed poor puss
+that in the violence of her haste she ran in contact with
+the head of another; both stuck fast together, and Dick,
+lucky Dick! caught both. Dick obtained great celebrity
+by telling this wondrous feat, which he always affirmed
+as a truth, and from that every notorious liar in Thor<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span>ner
+bears the title of Dick Strother. Now, Dick&mdash;I
+mean John&mdash;is not that the reason why you are called
+Dick Strother?"</p>
+
+<p>"It may be so."</p>
+
+<p>"Then you may go."</p>
+
+<p>The same turbulent spirit (Lord Brougham) fell
+foul of many other law lords. It is well known that in
+a speech made at the Temple he accused Lord Campbell,
+who had just published his <i>Lives of the Chancellors</i>,
+of adding a new terror to death. Lord Campbell
+tells an amusing story which shows that he could retort
+with effect upon his noble and learned friend. He
+says that he called one morning upon Brougham at his
+house in Grafton Street, who "soon rushed in very
+eagerly, but suddenly stopped short, exclaiming, 'Lord
+bless me, is it you? They told me it was Stanley'; and
+notwithstanding his accustomed frank and courteous
+manner, I had some difficulty in fixing his attention.
+In the evening I stepped across the House to the Opposition
+Bench, where Brougham and Stanley were
+sitting next each other, and, addressing the latter in
+the hearing of the former, I said, 'Has our noble and
+learned friend told you the disappointment he suffered
+this morning? He thought he had a visit from the
+Leader of the Protectionists to offer him the Great
+Seal, and it turned out to be only Campbell come to
+bore him about a point of Scotch law.' <i>Brougham</i>:
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span>'Don't mind what Jack Campbell says; he has a prescriptive
+privilege to tell lies of all Chancellors, dead
+and living.'"</p>
+
+<p>According to the same authority, Brougham was at
+one time very anxious to be made an earl, but his desire
+was entirely quenched when Lord John Russell
+gave an earldom to Lord Chancellor Cottenham. He
+is said to have been so indignant that he either wrote
+or dictated a pamphlet in which the new creation was
+ridiculed, and to which was appended the significant
+motto, "The offence is rank."</p>
+
+<p>The common feeling with regard to Sir James Scarlett's
+(Lord Abinger) success in gaining verdicts led to
+the composition of the following pleasantry, attributed
+to Lord Campbell. "Whereas Scarlett had contrived
+a machine, by using which, while he argued, he could
+make the judges' heads nod with pleasure, Brougham
+in course of time got hold of it; but not knowing how
+to manage it when he argued, the judges, instead of
+nodding, shook their heads."</p>
+
+<p>And it is Lord Campbell who has preserved the following
+specimen of a judge's concluding remarks to a
+prisoner convicted of uttering a forged one-pound note.
+After having pointed out to him the enormity of the
+offence, and exhorted him to prepare for another world,
+added: "And I trust that through the merits and the
+mediation of our Blessed Redeemer, you may there ex<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span>perience
+that mercy which a due regard to the <i>credit of
+the paper currency</i> of the country forbids you to hope
+for here."</p>
+
+<p>Campbell married Miss Scarlett, a daughter of Lord
+Abinger, and was absent from Court when a case in
+which he was to appear was called before Mr. Justice
+Abbot. "I thought, Mr. Brougham," said his lordship,
+"that Mr. Campbell was in this case?"&mdash;"Yes, my lord,"
+replied Mr. Brougham, with that sarcastic look peculiarly
+his own. "He was, my lord, but I understand he is
+ill."&mdash;"I am sorry to hear that, Mr. Brougham," said the
+judge. "My lord," replied Mr. Brougham, "it is whispered
+here that the cause of my learned friend's absence
+is scarlet fever."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 297px;">
+<a name="lord_campbell" id="lord_campbell"></a>
+<img src="images/lord_campbell.jpg" width="297" height="390" alt="JOHN CAMPBELL, BARON CAMPBELL, LORD CHANCELLOR." title="" />
+<span class="caption">JOHN CAMPBELL, BARON CAMPBELL, LORD CHANCELLOR.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>In his native town of Cupar, Fife, Lord Chancellor
+Campbell's abilities and position were not so much appreciated
+as they were elsewhere. This was a sore
+point with his father, who was parish minister, and
+when the son was not selected by the town authorities
+to conduct their legal business in London the
+future Lord Chancellor also felt affronted. On the
+publication of the <i>Lives of the Chancellors</i> some of his
+townsmen wrote asking him to present a copy to the
+local library of his native town, which gave Campbell
+an opportunity to square accounts with them for their
+past neglect of him, for he curtly replied to their re<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span>quest
+that "they could purchase the book from any
+bookseller." An old lady of the town relating some
+gossip about the Campbell family said, "They meant
+John for the Church, but he went to London <i>and got
+on very well</i>." Such was the good lady's idea of the
+relative positions of minister of a Scottish parish and
+Lord Chancellor of England.</p>
+
+<p>The difference in the pronunciation of a word led
+to an amiable contest between Lord Campbell and a
+learned Q.C. In an action to recover damages to a carriage
+the counsel called the vehicle a "brougham," pronouncing
+both syllables of the word. Lord Campbell
+pompously observed, "Broom is the usual pronunciation&mdash;a
+carriage of the kind you mean is not incorrectly
+called a 'Broom'&mdash;that pronunciation is open to
+no grave objection, and it has the advantage of saving
+the time consumed by uttering an extra syllable."
+Later in the trial Lord Campbell alluding to a similar
+case referred to the carriage which had been injured
+as an "Omnibus."&mdash;"Pardon me, my lord," interposed
+the Q.C., "a carriage of the kind to which you draw
+attention is usually termed a 'bus'; that pronunciation
+is open to no grave objection, and it has the great
+advantage of saving the time consumed by uttering
+<i>two</i> extra syllables."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 294px;">
+<a name="sir_samuel_martin" id="sir_samuel_martin"></a>
+<img src="images/sir_samuel_martin.jpg" width="294" height="390" alt="SIR SAMUEL MARTIN, BARON OF EXCHEQUER." title="" />
+<span class="caption">SIR SAMUEL MARTIN, BARON OF EXCHEQUER.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Mr. Martin (afterwards Baron Martin), when at the
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span>Bar, was addressing the Court in an insurance case,
+when he was interrupted by Baron Alderson, who said,
+"Mr. Martin, do you think any office would insure your
+life?"&mdash;"Certainly, my lord," replied Mr. Martin, "mine
+is a very good life."&mdash;"You should remember, Mr. Martin,
+that yours is brief existence."</p>
+
+<p>This judge's reason for releasing a juryman from
+duty was equally smart. The juryman in question
+confessed that he was deaf in one ear. "Then leave
+the box before the trial begins," observed his lordship;
+"it is necessary that the jurymen should hear <i>both</i>
+sides."</p>
+
+<p>Baron Martin was one of the good-natured judges
+who from the following story seem to stretch that amiable
+quality to its fullest extent. In sentencing a man
+convicted of a petty theft he said: "Look, I hardly know
+what to do with you, but you can take six months."&mdash;"I
+can't take that, my lord," said the prisoner; "it's too
+much. I can't take it; your lordship sees I did not steal
+very much after all." The Baron indulged in one of his
+characteristic chuckling laughs, and said: "Well that's
+vera true; ye didn't steal <i>much</i>. Well then, ye can tak'
+<i>four</i>. Will that do&mdash;four months?"&mdash;"No, my lord, but
+I can't take that neither."&mdash;"Then take <i>three</i>."&mdash;"That's
+nearer the mark, my lord," replied the prisoner,
+"but I'd rather you'd make it <i>two</i>, if you'll be so kind."&mdash;"Very
+well then, tak' two," said the judge; "and
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span>don't come again. If you do, I'll give you&mdash;well, it'll all
+depend."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 292px;">
+<a name="lord_chelmsford" id="lord_chelmsford"></a>
+<img src="images/lord_chelmsford.jpg" width="292" height="390" alt="FREDERICK THESIGER, BARON CHELMSFORD, LORD CHANCELLOR." title="" />
+<span class="caption">FREDERICK THESIGER, BARON CHELMSFORD, LORD CHANCELLOR.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Lord Erskine's punning upon legal terms has already
+been noticed, but no better quip is recorded than
+that of Lord Chelmsford, when as Sir Frederick Thesiger,
+and a leader at the Bar, he took exception to the
+irregular examination of a witness by a learned serjeant.
+"I have a right," maintained the serjeant, "to
+deal with my witness as I please."&mdash;"To that I offer no
+objection," retorted Sir Frederick. "You may <i>deal</i> as
+you like, but you shan't <i>lead</i>."</p>
+
+<p>On all occasions Samuel Warren, the author of <i>Ten
+Thousand a Year</i>, was given to boasting, at the Bar
+mess, of his intimacy with members of the peerage.
+One day he was saying that, while dining lately at the
+Duke of Leeds, he was surprised at finding no fish of
+any kind was served. "That is easily accounted for,"
+said Thesiger; "they had probably eaten it all <i>upstairs</i>."</p>
+
+<p>Walking down St. James's Street one day, Lord
+Chelmsford was accosted by a stranger, who exclaimed,
+"Mr. Birch, I believe."&mdash;"If you believe that, sir,
+you'll believe anything," replied his lordship as he
+passed on.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 291px;">
+<a name="sir_alexander_cockburn" id="sir_alexander_cockburn"></a>
+<img src="images/sir_alexander_cockburn.jpg" width="291" height="390" alt="SIR ALEXANDER COCKBURN, BART., LORD CHIEF JUSTICE." title="" />
+<span class="caption">SIR ALEXANDER COCKBURN, BART., LORD CHIEF JUSTICE.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>In the recently published <i>Cockburn Family Records</i>
+the following is told of the Chief Justice's ready wit:</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span></p>
+<p>"At a certain trial an extremely pretty girl was called
+as a witness. The Lord Chief Justice was very particular
+about her giving her full name and address. Of
+course he took note. So did the sheriff's officer! That
+evening they both arrived at the young lady's door
+simultaneously, whereupon Sir Alexander tapped the
+officer on the shoulder, remarking, 'No, no, no, Mr. Sheriff's
+Officer, judgment first, execution afterwards!"</p>
+
+<p>There never was a barrister whose rise at the Bar
+was more rapid or remarkable than that of Sir Alexander
+Cockburn, and along with him was his friend
+and close associate as a brother lawyer of the Crown
+and Bencher of the same Inn, Sir Richard Bethel, who
+became Lord Chancellor a few years after Sir Alexander
+was made Chief Justice. Sir Richard once said to
+his colleague, "My dear fellow, equity will swallow up
+your common law."&mdash;"I don't know about that," said
+Sir Alexander, "but you'll find it rather hard of digestion."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Although the wit of Lord Justice Knight Bruce was
+somewhat sarcastic it was rarely so severe as that of
+Lord Westbury. There was always a tone of good
+humour about it. He had indeed a kind of grave judicial
+waggery, which is well exemplified in the following
+judgment in a separation suit between an attorney and
+his wife. "The Court has been now for several days
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span>occupied in the matrimonial quarrels of a solicitor and
+his wife. He was a man not unaccustomed to the ways
+of the softer sex, for he already had nine children by
+three successive wives. She, however&mdash;herself a widow&mdash;was
+well informed of these antecedents; and it appears
+did not consider them any objection to their
+union; and they were married. No sooner were they
+united, however, than they were unhappily disunited
+by unhappy disputes as to her property. These disputes
+disturbed even the period usually dedicated to
+the softer delights of matrimony, and the honeymoon
+was occupied by endeavours to induce her to exercise
+a testamentary power of appointment in his favour.
+She, however, refused, and so we find that in due
+course, at the end of the month, he brought home with
+some disgust his still intestate bride. The disputes
+continued, until at last they exchanged the irregular
+quarrels of domestic strife for the more disciplined
+warfare of Lincoln's Inn and Doctors Commons."</p>
+
+<p>Of this judge the story is told that a Chancery counsel
+in a long and dry argument quoted the legal maxim&mdash;<i>expressio
+unius est exclusio alterius</i>&mdash;pronouncing
+the "i" in <i>unius</i> as short as possible. This roused his
+lordship from the drowsiness into which he had been
+lulled. "Unyus! Mr. &mdash;&mdash;? We always pronounced
+that <i>unius</i> at school."&mdash;"Oh yes, my lord," replied the
+counsel; "but some of the poets use it short for the
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span>sake of the metre."&mdash;"You forget, Mr. &mdash;&mdash;," rejoined
+the judge, "that we are prosing here."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Mr. Justice Willes was a judge of kindly disposition,
+and when he had to convey a rebuke he did so in some
+delicate and refined way like this. A young barrister
+feeling in a hobble, wished to get out of it by saying,
+"I throw myself on your lordship's hands."&mdash;"Mr. &mdash;&mdash;,
+I decline the burden," replied the learned judge.</p>
+
+<p>One day in judge's chambers, after being pressed by
+counsel very strongly against his own views, he said
+with quaint humour: "I'm one of the most obstinate
+men in the world."&mdash;"God forbid that I should be
+so rude as to contradict your lordship," replied the
+counsel.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Montague Williams in his <i>Leaves of a Life</i> relates
+the following story of Mr. Justice Byles. He was
+once hearing a case in which a woman was charged
+with causing the death of her child by not giving it
+proper food, or treating it with the necessary care.
+Mr. F&mdash;&mdash;, of the Western Circuit, conducted the
+defence, and while addressing the jury said:</p>
+
+<p>"Gentlemen, it appears to be impossible that the
+prisoner can have committed this crime. A mother
+guilty of such conduct to her own child? Why, it is
+repugnant to our better feelings"; and then being carried
+away by his own eloquence, he proceeded: "Gen<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span>tlemen,
+the beasts of the field, the birds of the air,
+suckle their young, and&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>But at this point the learned judge interrupted him,
+and said:</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. F&mdash;&mdash;, if you establish the latter part of your
+proposition, your client will be acquitted to a certainty."</p>
+
+<p>And to the same authority we are indebted for a
+judge's gentle but sarcastic reproof of a prosing counsel.
+In an action for false imprisonment, heard before
+Mr. Justice Wightman, Ribton was addressing the
+jury at great length, repeating himself constantly, and
+never giving the slightest sign of winding up. When
+he had been pounding away for several hours, the good
+old judge interposed, and said: "Mr. Ribton, you've
+said that before."&mdash;"Have I, my lord?" said Ribton;
+"I'm very sorry. I quite forgot it."&mdash;"Don't apologise,
+Mr. Ribton," was the answer. "I forgive you; for it
+was a very long time ago."</p>
+
+<p>A very old story is told of a highwayman who sent
+for a solicitor and inquired what steps were necessary
+to be taken to have his trial deferred. The solicitor
+answered that he would require to get a doctor's affidavit
+of his illness. This was accordingly done in the
+following manner: "The deponent verily believes that
+if the said &mdash;&mdash; is obliged to take his trial at the ensuing
+sessions, he will be in imminent danger of his
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span>life."&mdash;"I verily believe so too," replied the judge, and
+the trial proceeded immediately.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Some judges profess ignorance of slang terms used
+in evidence, and seek explanation from counsel. Lord
+Coleridge in the following story had his inquiry not
+only answered but illustrated. A witness was describing
+an animated conversation between the pursuer and
+defendant in a case and said: "Then the defendant
+turned and said, 'If 'e didn't 'owld 'is noise 'ed knock
+'im off 'is peark.'"&mdash;"Peark? Mr. Shee, what is meant
+by peark?" asked the Lord Chief Justice. "Oh, peark,
+my lord, is any position when a man elevates himself
+above his fellows&mdash;for instance, a bench, my lord."</p>
+
+<p>Another story illustrating this alleged ignorance of
+every-day terms used by the masses comes from the
+Scottish Court of Session. In this instance the explanation
+was volunteered by the witness who used
+the term. One of the counsel in the case was Mr. (now
+Lord) Dewar, who was cross-examining the witness on
+a certain incident, and drew from him the statement
+that he (the witness) had just had a "nip." "A nip,"
+said the judge; "what is a nip?"&mdash;"Only a small Dewar,
+my lord," explained the witness.</p>
+
+<p>Lord Russell of Killowen, himself a Lord Chief Justice,
+tells some amusing stories of Lord Coleridge in
+his interesting reminiscences of that great judge in the
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span><i>North American Review</i>. When at the Bar he was
+counsel in a remarkable case&mdash;Saurin against Starr.
+The pursuer, an Irish lady, sued the Superior of a religious
+order at Hull for expulsion without reasonable
+cause. Mr. Coleridge cross-examined a Mrs. Kennedy,
+one of the superintendents of the convent, who had
+mentioned in her evidence, among other peccadilloes
+of the pursuer, that she had been found in the pantry
+eating strawberries, when she should have been attending
+some class duties.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Coleridge: "Eating strawberries, really!"</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Kennedy: "Yes, sir, she was eating strawberries."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Coleridge: "How shocking!"</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Kennedy: "It was forbidden, sir."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Coleridge: "And did you, Mrs. Kennedy, really
+consider there was any great harm in that?"</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Kennedy: "No, sir, not in itself, any more
+than there was harm in eating an apple; but you know,
+sir, the mischief that came from that."</p>
+
+<p>When as Lord Chief Justice, Lord Coleridge visited
+the United States, he was continually pestered by interviewers,
+and one of them failing to draw him, began
+to disparage the old country in its physical features
+and its men. Lord Coleridge bore it all in good part;
+finally the interviewer said, "I am told, my lord, you
+think a great deal of your great fire of London. Well,
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span>I guess, that the conflagration we had in the little village
+of Chicago made your great fire look very small."
+To which his lordship blandly responded: "Sir, I have
+every reason to believe that the great fire of London
+was quite as great as the people of that time desired."</p>
+
+<p>There are few of Lord Bowen's witticisms from the
+Bench in circulation, but his after-dinner stories are
+worth recording, and perhaps one of the best is that
+given in <i>Anecdotes of the Bench and Bar</i>, as told by
+himself in the following words: "One of the ancient
+rabbinical writers was engaged in compiling a history
+of the minor prophets, and in due course it became his
+duty to record the history of the prophet Daniel. In
+speaking of the most striking incident in the great
+man's career&mdash;I refer to his critical position in the den
+of lions&mdash;he made a remark which has always seemed
+to me replete with judgment and observation. He said
+that the prophet, notwithstanding the trying circumstances
+in which he was placed, had one consolation
+which has sometimes been forgotten. He had the consolation
+of knowing that when the dreadful banquet
+was over, at any rate it was not he who would be called
+upon to return thanks."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>The following story cannot be classed a witticism
+from the Bench, but the judge clearly gave the opening
+for the lady's smart retort.</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span></p>
+<p>Mrs. Weldon, a well-known lady litigant in the
+Courts a generation ago, was on one occasion endeavouring
+in the Court of Appeal to upset a judgment of
+Vice-Chancellor Bacon, and one ground of complaint
+was that the judge was too old to understand her case.
+Thereupon Lord Esher said: "The last time you were
+here you complained that your case had been tried by
+my brother Bowen, and you said he was only a bit of a
+boy, and could not do you justice. Now you come here
+and say that my brother Bacon was too old. What age
+do you want the judge to be?"&mdash;"Your age," promptly
+replied Mrs. Weldon, fixing her bright eyes on the
+handsome countenance of the Master of the Rolls.</p>
+
+<p>On Charles Phillips, who became a judge of the Insolvent
+Court, noticing a witness kiss his thumb instead
+of the Testament, after rebuking him said, "You
+may think to <i>desave</i> God, sir, but you won't desave
+me."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 289px;">
+<a name="sir_henry_hawkins" id="sir_henry_hawkins"></a>
+<img src="images/sir_henry_hawkins.jpg" width="289" height="390" alt="SIR HENRY HAWKINS, LORD BRAMPTON." title="" />
+<span class="caption">SIR HENRY HAWKINS, LORD BRAMPTON.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>That racy and turf-attending judge, Lord Brampton,
+better known as Sir Henry Hawkins, tells many good
+stories of himself in his <i>Reminiscences</i>, but it is the
+unconscious humorist of Marylebone Police Court who
+records this <i>bon mot</i> of Sir Henry.</p>
+
+<p>An old woman in the witness-box had been rattling
+on in the most voluble manner, until it was impossible
+to make head or tail of her evidence. Mr. Justice Haw<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span>kins,
+thinking he would try his hand, began with a
+soothing question, but the old woman would not have
+it at any price. She replied testily, "It's no use you
+bothering me. I have told you all I know."&mdash;"That may
+be," replied his lordship, "but the question rather is,
+do you know all you have told us?"</p>
+
+<p>When Sir Henry (then Mr.) Hawkins was prosecuting
+counsel in the Tichborne trial, over which Lord
+Chief Justice Cockburn presided, an amusing incident
+is recorded by Mr. Plowden. The antecedents of a man
+who had given sensational evidence for the claimant
+were being inquired into, and in answer to Sir Henry
+the witness under examination said he knew the man
+to be married, but his wife passed under another name.
+"What name?" asked Mr. Hawkins. "Mrs. Hawkins,"
+replied the witness. "What was her maiden name?"
+added Mr. Hawkins. "Cockburn." Such a coincident of
+names naturally caused hearty and prolonged laughter.</p>
+
+<p>In the course of this celebrated trial another amusing
+incident occurred which Sir Henry used to tell
+against himself. One morning as the claimant came
+into Court, a lady dressed in deep mourning presented
+Orton with a tract. After a few minutes he wrote something
+on it, and had it passed on to the prosecuting
+counsel. The tract was boldly headed in black type,
+"Sinner&mdash;Repent," and the claimant had written upon
+it, "Surely this must have been meant for Hawkins."</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span></p>
+<p>Not long after he had ascended the Bench Mr. Justice
+Hawkins was hearing a case in which a man was
+being tried for murder. The counsel for the prosecution
+observed the prisoner say something earnestly to
+the policeman seated by his side in the dock, and asked
+that the constable should be made to disclose what had
+passed. "Yes," said his lordship, "I think you may demand
+that. Constable, inform the Court what passed
+between you and the prisoner."&mdash;"I&mdash;I would rather
+not, your lordship. I was&mdash;."&mdash;"Never mind what you
+would rather not do. Inform the Court what the prisoner
+said."&mdash;"He asked me, your lordship, who that
+hoary heathen with the sheepskin was, as he had often
+seen him at the race-course."&mdash;"That will do," said
+his lordship. "Proceed with the case."</p>
+
+<p>An action for damages against a fire insurance company,
+brought by some Jews, was heard before Chief
+Justice Cockburn, which clearly was a fraudulent claim.
+The plaintiffs claimed for loss of ready-made clothes
+in the fire. Hawkins, who appeared for the defendant
+company, elicited the fact that ready-made clothes
+in this firm had all brass buttons as a rule; and, further,
+that after sifting the debris of the fire no buttons had
+been found. The trial was not concluded on that day,
+but on the following morning hundreds of buttons
+partially burnt were brought into Court by the Jew
+plaintiffs. Cockburn was not long in appreciating this
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span>mode of furnishing evidence after its necessity had
+been pointed out, and he asked: "How do you account
+for these buttons, Mr. Hawkins? You said none were
+found."&mdash;"Up to last night none had been found," replied
+Hawkins. "But," said the Chief Justice&mdash;"but
+these buttons have evidently been burnt in the fire.
+How do they come here?"&mdash;"<i>On their own shanks</i>,"
+was Hawkins' smart and ready reply. Verdict for defendants.</p>
+
+<p>The alibi has come in for its fair share of jests. Sir
+Henry Hawkins relates in his <i>Reminiscences</i> how he
+once found the following in his brief: "If the case is
+called on before 3.15, the defence is left to the ingenuity
+of the counsel; if after that hour, the defence is an
+alibi, as by then the usual alibi witnesses will have returned
+from Norwich, where they are at present professionally
+engaged."</p>
+
+<p>Sitting as a vacation judge, Sir Walter Phillimore,
+whose views on the law of divorce are well known,
+protested against being called on to make absolute a
+number of decrees <i>nisi</i> granted in the Divorce Division.
+This fact is said to have called forth a witty pronouncement
+by a late president of that Division of the Courts.
+"Here is my brother Phillimore, who objects to making
+decrees <i>nisi</i> absolute because he believes in the sanctity
+of the marriage tie. By and by we may be having
+a Unitarian appointed to the Bench, and he will refuse
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span>to try Admiralty suits, as he would have to sit with
+Trinity Masters."</p>
+
+<p>In sentencing a burglar recently, the judge referred
+to him as a "professional," to which the prisoner
+strongly protested from the dock. "Here," he exclaimed,
+"I dunno wot you mean by callin' me a professional
+burglar. I've only done it once before, an' I've been
+nabbed both times." The judge, in the most suave
+manner, replied, "Oh, I did not mean to say that you
+had been very successful in your profession."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 294px;">
+<a name="justice_grantham" id="justice_grantham"></a>
+<img src="images/justice_grantham.jpg" width="294" height="390" alt="THE HON. MR JUSTICE GRANTHAM, JUDGE OF THE KING&#39;S BENCH DIVISION." title="" />
+<span class="caption">THE HON. MR JUSTICE GRANTHAM, JUDGE OF THE KING&#39;S BENCH DIVISION.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Mr. Justice Grantham had a keen sense of humour.
+On one occasion, when he was judge at the Newcastle
+Assizes, he left the mansion-house where he was staying,
+at night, to post his letters. As he was wearing a
+cap he was not recognised by the police officer who
+was on duty outside, and the constable inquired of his
+lordship if "the old &mdash;&mdash; had gone to bed yet." The
+judge replied that he thought not, and a short while
+after he had returned to the house he raised his bedroom
+window, and putting out his head called to the
+constable below: "Officer, the old &mdash;&mdash; is just going to
+bed now."<br /><br /></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 291px;">
+<a name="justice_darling" id="justice_darling"></a>
+<img src="images/justice_darling.jpg" width="291" height="390" alt="THE HON. MR JUSTICE DARLING, JUDGE OF THE KING&#39;S BENCH DIVISION." title="" />
+<span class="caption">THE HON. MR JUSTICE DARLING, JUDGE OF THE KING&#39;S BENCH DIVISION.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Hardly a case of any importance comes into Mr. Justice
+Darling's Court without attracting a large attendance
+of the public, as much from expectation of being
+entertained by the repartees between Bench and Bar
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span>as from interest in the proceedings before the Court.
+In a recent turf libel case his lordship gave a free rein
+to his proclivity to give an amusing turn to statements
+of both counsel and witnesses. At one point he
+intervened by remarking that other witnesses than the one
+under examination had said that a horse is made fit by
+running on the course before he is expected to win a
+position, and added, "That is so, not only on the race-course.
+You can never make a good lawyer by putting
+him to read in the library." To which the defendant,
+who conducted his own case, replied, "But I take it a
+barrister does try."&mdash;"You have no notion how he tries
+the judge," responded Mr. Justice Darling. In the same
+case a question arose as to whether the stewards of
+the Jockey Club had the power to check riding "short,"
+as it is termed, and the Justice inquired if the stewards
+could say, "You must ride with a leather of a prescribed
+length," and got the answer, "Yes; they could say if
+you don't ride longer we won't give you a license."&mdash;"Which
+means," said the judge, "if you don't ride
+longer you won't ride long."</p>
+
+<p>"Who made the translation from the German?"
+asked the same judge, regarding a document to which
+counsel had referred. "God knows; I don't," was the
+reply of Mr. Danckwerts. "Are you sure," responded
+the Justice, "that what is not known to you is known
+at all?"</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span></p>
+<p>Perhaps Mr. Justice Darling never raised heartier
+laughter than in an action some years ago where the
+issue was whether the plaintiff, who had been engaged
+by the defendant to sing in "potted opera" at a music-hall,
+was competent to fulfil his contract.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, he could not sing like the archangel Gabriel,"
+a witness had said, in reply to Mr. Duke, K. C.</p>
+
+<p>"I have never heard the archangel Gabriel," commented
+the eminent counsel.</p>
+
+<p>"That, Mr. Duke, is a pleasure to come," was his
+lordship's swift, if gently sarcastic, rejoinder.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>If witnesses occasionally undergo severe handling
+in cross-examination by counsel, there are also occasions
+when their ready reply has rather nonplussed
+the judge.</p>
+
+<p>A case was being tried at York before Mr. Justice
+Gould. When it had proceeded for upwards of two
+hours the judge observed that there were only eleven
+jurymen in the box, and inquired where the twelfth
+man was. "Please you, my lord," said one of them,
+"he has gone away about some business, but he has
+left his verdict with me."</p>
+
+<p>"How old are you?" asked the judge of a lady witness.
+"Thirty."&mdash;"Thirty!" said the judge; "I have
+heard you give the same age in this Court for the last
+three years."&mdash;"Yes," responded the lady; "I am not
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span>one of those persons who say one thing to-day and another
+to-morrow."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Justice Keating one day had occasion to examine
+a witness who stuttered very much in giving his
+evidence. "I believe," said his lordship, "you are a very
+great rogue."&mdash;"Not so great a rogue as you, my lord&mdash;t&mdash;t&mdash;t&mdash;t&mdash;take
+me to be," was the reply.</p>
+
+<p>Judge: "Is this your signature?"</p>
+
+<p>Witness: "I don't know."</p>
+
+<p>Judge: "Look at it carefully."</p>
+
+<p>Witness: "I can't say for certain."</p>
+
+<p>Judge: "Is it anything like your writing?"</p>
+
+<p>Witness: "I don't think it is."</p>
+
+<p>Judge: "Can't you identify it?"</p>
+
+<p>Witness: "Not quite."</p>
+
+<p>Judge: "Well, let me see, just write your name here
+and I will examine the two signatures."</p>
+
+<p>Witness: "I can't write, sir."</p>
+
+<p>Medical men are not as a rule the best witnesses, being
+too fond of using technical words peculiar to them
+in their own profession. In an action for assault tried
+by a Derbyshire common jury before Mr. Justice Patteson,
+a surgical witness was asked to describe the injuries
+the plaintiff had received; he stated he had "ecchymosis"
+of the left eye. Upon the judge inquiring
+whether that did not mean what was commonly understood
+by a black eye, the witness answered: "Yes."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span>&mdash;"Then
+why did you not say so, sir? What do the jury
+know of 'ecchymosis'? They might think, as the farmer
+did of the word 'felicity,' used by a clergyman in his
+sermon, that it meant something in the inside of a pig."</p>
+
+<p>A notorious thief, being tried for his life, confessed
+the robbery he was charged with. The judge thereupon
+directed the jury to find him guilty upon his own confession.
+The jury having consulted together brought
+him in "Not guilty." The judge bade them consider
+their verdict again, but still they brought in a verdict
+of "Not guilty." The judge asking the reason, the foreman
+replied: "There is reason enough, for we all know
+him to be one of the greatest liars in the country."</p>
+
+<p>"Have you committed all these crimes?" asked the
+judge of a hoary old sinner. "Yes, my lord, and worse."
+"Worse, I should have thought it impossible. What
+have you done then?"&mdash;"My lord, I allowed myself to
+be caught."</p>
+
+<p>"I knows yer," said a prisoner to the present Lord
+Chief Justice, "and many's the time I've given yer a
+hand when ye've been stepping it round the track like
+a greyhound. So let's down lightly, like a good cove
+as yer are."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>The retort of a witness to Lord Avory was too good
+to be soon forgotten, and is still circulating among the
+juniors of the law-courts. "Let me see," said his lord<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span>ship,
+"you have been convicted before, haven't you?"&mdash;"Yes,
+sir," answered the man; "but it was due to
+the incapacity of my counsel rather than to any fault
+on my part."&mdash;"It always is," said Lord Avory, with a
+grim smile, "and you have my sincere sympathy."&mdash;"And
+I deserve it," retorted the man, "seeing that you
+were my counsel on that occasion!"</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span></p>
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_TWO" id="CHAPTER_TWO"></a>CHAPTER TWO<br />
+THE BARRISTERS OF ENGLAND<br /><br /></h2>
+
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="poetryblock">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Hark the hour of ten is sounding!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Hearts with anxious fears are bounding;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Hall of Justice crowds surrounding,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Breathing hope and fear.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For to-day in this arena<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Summoned by a stern subp&oelig;na,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Edwin sued by Angelina<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Shortly will appear."<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Sir <span class="smcap">W. S. Gilbert</span>: <i>Trial by Jury</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+<p><br /></p>
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"As your Solicitor, I should have no hesitation in saying: Chance
+it&mdash;&mdash;"</span></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Sir <span class="smcap">W. S. Gilbert</span>: <i>The Mikado</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>CHAPTER TWO<br />
+THE BARRISTERS OF ENGLAND</h2>
+
+
+
+
+<p>From the middle of the thirteenth
+century the senior rank to which a barrister could attain
+at the Bar was that of serjeant-at-law, and from
+that body, which existed until 1875, the judges were
+selected. If a barrister below the rank of serjeant was
+invited to take a seat on the Bench he invariably conformed
+to the recognised custom and "took the coif"&mdash;became
+a serjeant-at-law&mdash;before he was sworn as
+one of his (or her) Majesty's judges. This explains
+the term "brother" applied by judges when addressing
+serjeants pleading before them in Court. "Taking
+the coif" had a curious origin. It was customary in
+very early times for the clergy to add to their clerical
+duties that of a legal practitioner, by which considerable
+fees were obtained, and when the Canon law forbade
+them engaging in all secular occupations the remuneration
+they had obtained from the law-courts
+proved too strong a temptation to evade the new law.
+They continued therefore to practise in the Courts, and
+to hide their clerical identity they concealed the tonsure
+by covering the upper part of their heads with a
+black cap or coif. When ultimately clerical barristers
+were driven from the law-courts, the "coif" or black
+patch on the crown of a barrister's wig became the
+symbol of the rank of serjeant-at-law. That this distinguishing
+mark has been, in later years, occasionally
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span>misunderstood is illustrated in the story of Serjeant
+Allen and Sir Henry Keating, Q.C., who were opposed
+to one another in a case before the Assize Court at
+Stafford. During the hearing of the case a violent altercation
+had taken place between them, but when the
+Court rose they left the building together, walking
+amicably to their lodgings. Two men who had been in
+Court and had heard their wrangle were following behind
+them, when one said to the other: "If you was in
+trouble, Bill, which o' them two tip-top 'uns would you
+have to defend you?"&mdash;"Well, Jim," was the reply,
+"I should pitch upon this 'un," pointing to the Q.C.
+"Then you'd be a fool," said his companion; "the fellow
+with the <i>sore head</i> is worth six of t'other 'un."</p>
+
+<p>There used to be a student joke against the serjeants.
+"Why is a serjeant's speech like a tailor's
+goose?"&mdash;"Because it is hot and heavy."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>"Taking silk," or becoming a K.C. and a senior at
+the Bar, originated at a much later date than that of
+serjeant-at-law. Lord Bacon was the first to be recognised
+as Queen's Counsel, but this distinction arose
+from his position as legal adviser to Queen Elizabeth,
+and did not indicate the existence of a senior
+body (as K.C. does now) among the barristers of that
+period. The institution of the rank dates from the days
+of Charles II, when Sir Francis North, Lord Guildford,
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span>was created King's Counsel by a writ issued under
+the Great Seal. As was customary in the case of a
+barrister proposing to "take the coif," so in that of
+one proposing to "take silk"; he intimates to the seniors
+already holding the rank that he intends to apply for
+admission to the body. A story is current in the Temple
+that when Mr. Justice Eve "took silk" the usual
+notification of his intention was sent to the seniors,
+and from one of them he received the following reply:
+"My dear Eve, whether you wear silk or a fig-leaf, I
+do not care.&mdash;A Dam."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Our selection of faceti&aelig; of the English Bar, therefore,
+naturally opens with stories of the serjeants-at-law,
+and one of the best-known members of that body
+in early days was Serjeant Hill, a celebrated lawyer,
+who was also somewhat remarkable for absence of
+mind, which was attributed to the earnestness with
+which he devoted himself to his professional duties.</p>
+
+<p>On the very day when he was married, he had an
+intricate case on hand, and forgot his engagement,
+until reminded of his waiting bride, and that the legal
+time for performing the ceremony had nearly elapsed.
+He then quitted law for the church; after the ceremony,
+the serjeant returned to his books and his papers,
+having forgotten the <i>cause</i> he had been engaged in
+during the morning, until again reminded by his clerk
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span>that the assembled company impatiently awaited his
+presence at dinner.</p>
+
+<p>Being once on Circuit, and having occasion to refer
+to a law authority, he had recourse, as usual, to his bag;
+but, to the astonishment of the Court, instead of a volume
+of Viner's abridgment, he took out a specimen
+candlestick, the property of a Birmingham traveller,
+whose bag Serjeant Hill had brought into Court by
+mistake.</p>
+
+<p>A learned serjeant kept the Court waiting one morning
+for a few minutes. The business of the Court commenced
+at nine. "Brother," said the judge, "you are
+behind your time this morning. The Court has been
+waiting for you."&mdash;"I beg your lordship's pardon,"
+replied the serjeant; "I am afraid I was longer than
+usual in dressing."&mdash;"Oh," returned the judge, "I can
+dress in five minutes at any time."&mdash;"Indeed!" said
+the learned brother, a little surprised for the moment;
+"but in that my dog Shock beats your lordship hollow,
+for he has nothing to do but to shake his coat, and
+thinks himself fit for any company."</p>
+
+<p>Serjeant Davy, when at the height of his professional
+career, once received a large brief on which a fee of two
+guineas only was marked on the back. His client asked
+him if he had read the brief. Pointing with his finger
+to the fee, Davy replied: "As far as that I have read,
+and for the life of me I can read no further." Of the
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span>same eminent serjeant in his earlier years an Old
+Baily story is told. Judge Gould, who presided, asked:
+"Who is concerned for the prisoner?"&mdash;"I am concerned
+for him, my lord," said Davy, "and very much
+concerned after what I have just heard."</p>
+
+<p>If Serjeant Davy was concerned about his client,
+Serjeant Miller had no such scruple about the man
+charged with horse stealing whom he successfully defended,
+although the evidence convinced the judge and
+everybody in the Court that there ought to have been a
+conviction. When the trial was over and the prisoner
+had been acquitted, the judge said to him: "Prisoner,
+luckily for you, you have been found Not Guilty by the
+jury, but you know perfectly well you stole that horse.
+You may as well tell the truth, as no harm can happen
+to you now by a confession, for you cannot be tried
+again. Now tell me, did you not steal that horse?"
+"Well, my lord," replied the man, "I always thought
+I did, until I heard my counsel's speech, but now I
+begin to think I didn't."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>In the days of "riding" and "driving circuit," and
+even later, the Circuit mess was a very popular institution
+with circuiteers, and was made the occasion of
+much merriment. After the table had been cleared a
+fictitious charge would be made against one of the barristers
+present, and a mock tribunal was immediately
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span>constituted before which he was arraigned and his case
+duly set forth with all solemnity. The victim was invariably
+fined&mdash;generally in wine, which had to be paid
+at once, and consumed before the company retired to
+bed. On one such occasion Serjeant Prime, who is represented
+as a good-natured but rather dull man, and
+as a barrister wearisome beyond comparison, was engaged
+in an important case in an over-crowded courtroom.
+He had been speaking for three hours, when a
+boy, seated on a beam above the heads of the audience,
+overcome by the heat and the serjeant's monotonous
+tones, fell asleep, and, losing his balance, tumbled down
+on the people below. The incident was made the subject
+of a charge against the serjeant at the mess, and he
+was duly sentenced to pay a fine of two dozen of wine,
+which he did with the greatest good humour.</p>
+
+<p>Serjeant Wilkins, on one occasion, on defending a
+prisoner, said: "Drink has upon some an elevating,
+upon others a depressing, effect; indeed, there is a report,
+as we all know, that an eminent judge, when at
+the Bar, was obliged to resort to heavy drinking in the
+morning, to reduce himself to the level of the judges."
+Lord Denman, the judge, who had no love for Wilkins,
+bridled up instantly. His voice trembled with indignation
+as he uttered the words: "Where is the report,
+sir? Where is it?" There was a death-like silence.
+Wilkins calmly turned round to the judge and said:
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span>"It was burnt, my lord, in the Temple fire." The effect
+of this was considerable, and it was a long time before
+order could be restored, but Lord Denman was one of
+the first to acknowledge the wit of the answer.</p>
+
+<p>Difference of manner or temperament sometimes
+gives point to the collisions which occasionally occur
+in Court between rival counsel. Serjeant Wilkins, who
+had an inflated style of oratory, was once opposed in
+a case to Serjeant Thomas, whose manner of delivery
+was lighter and more lively. On the conclusion of a
+heavy bombardment of ponderous Johnsonian sentences
+from the former, Thomas rose, and, with his
+eyes fixed on his opponent, prefaced his address to the
+jury with the words, delivered with much solemnity of
+manner and intonation: "And now the hurly-burly's
+done."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Dunning was defending a gentleman in an action
+brought from <i>crim. con.</i> with the plaintiff's wife. The
+chief witness for the plaintiff was the lady's maid, a
+clever, self-composed person, who spoke confidently
+as to seeing the defendant in bed with her mistress.
+Dunning, on rising to cross-examine her, first made her
+take off her bonnet, that they might have a good view
+of her face, but this did not discompose her, as she
+knew she was good-looking. He then arranged his
+brief, solemnly drew up his shirt sleeves, and then be<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span>gan:
+"Are you sure it was not your master you saw in
+bed with your mistress?"&mdash;"Perfectly sure."&mdash;"What,
+do you pretend to say you can be certain when the head
+only appeared from the bedclothes, and that enveloped
+in a nightcap?"&mdash;"Quite certain."&mdash;"You have often
+found occasion, then, to see your master in his
+nightcap?"&mdash;"Yes&mdash;very frequently."&mdash;"Now, young
+woman, I ask you, on your solemn oath, does not your
+master occasionally go to bed with you?"&mdash;"Oh, that
+trial does not come on to-day, Mr. Slabberchops!" replied
+the witness. A loud shout of laughter followed,
+and Lord Mansfield leaned back to enjoy it, and then
+gravely leaned forward and asked if Mr. Dunning had
+any more questions to put to the witness. No answer
+was given, and none were put. The same counsel,
+when at the height of his large practice at the Bar, was
+asked how he got through all his work. He replied: "I
+do one-third of it; another third does itself; and I don't
+do the remaining third."</p>
+
+<p>A witness under severe cross-examination by Serjeant
+Dunning was repeatedly asked if he did not live
+close to the Court. On admitting that he did, the further
+question was put, "And pray, sir, for what reason did
+you take up your residence in that place?"&mdash;"To avoid
+the rascally impertinence of dunning," came the ready
+answer.</p>
+
+<p>A barrister's name once gave a witness the opport<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span>unity
+to score in the course of a severe cross-examination.
+Missing was the leader of his Circuit and was defending
+his client charged with stealing a donkey. The
+prosecutor had left the donkey tied up to a gate, and
+when he returned it was gone. "Do you mean to say,"
+said counsel, "the donkey was stolen from the gate?"&mdash;"I
+mean to say, sir," said the witness, giving the
+judge and then the jury a sly look, at the same time
+pointing to the counsel, "the ass was missing."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Mr. Clarke, a leader of the Midland Circuit, was a
+very worthy lawyer of the old school. A client long refusing
+to agree to refer to arbitration a cause which
+judge, jury, and counsel wished to get rid of, he at last
+said to him, "You d&mdash;d infernal fool, if you do not
+immediately follow his lordship's recommendation, I
+shall be obliged to use strong language to you." Once,
+in a council of the Benchers of Lincoln's Inn, the same
+gentleman very conscientiously opposed their calling
+a Jew to the Bar. Some tried to point out the hardship
+to be imposed upon the young gentleman, who had
+been allowed to keep his terms, and whose prospects
+in life would thus be suddenly blasted. "Hardship!"
+said the zealous churchman, "no hardship at all! Let
+him become a Christian, and be d&mdash;d to him!"</p>
+
+<p>It is sometimes imagined by laymen that verdicts
+may be obtained by the trickery of counsel. Doubtless
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span>counsel may try to throw dust in the eyes of jurors,
+but they are not very successful. Lord Campbell tells
+a story of Clarke, who by such tactics brought a case
+to a satisfactory compromise. The attorney, coming to
+him privately, said, "Sir, don't you think we have got
+very good terms? But you rather went beyond my instructions."&mdash;"You
+fool!" retorted Clarke; "how do
+you suppose you could have got such terms if I had
+stuck to your instructions."</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 291px;">
+<a name="john_adolphus" id="john_adolphus"></a>
+<img src="images/john_adolphus.jpg" width="291" height="390" alt="JOHN ADOLPHUS, BARRISTER." title="" />
+<span class="caption">JOHN ADOLPHUS, BARRISTER.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>In the biography of John Adolphus, a famous criminal
+lawyer, we are told that the judges of his time were
+much impressed with the following table of degrees.
+"The three degrees of comparison in a lawyer's progress
+are: getting on; getting on-er (honour); getting
+on-est (honest)." He declared the judges acknowledged
+much truth in the degrees. The third degree
+in Mr. Adolphus' table reminds us of the story of
+the farmer who was met by the head of a firm of solicitors,
+who inquired the name of a plant the farmer
+was carrying. "It's a plant," replied the latter, "that
+will not grow in a lawyer's garden; it is called honesty."</p>
+
+<p>One night, walking through St. Giles's by way of a
+short cut towards home, an Irish woman came up to
+Mr. Adolphus. "Why, Misther Adolphus! and who'd a'
+thought of seeing you in the Holy Ground?"&mdash;"And
+how came you to know who I am?" said Adolphus.
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span>"Lord bless and save ye, sir! not know ye? Why, I'd
+know ye if ye was boiled up in a soup!"</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Montagu Chambers was counsel for a widow
+who had been put in a lunatic asylum, and sued the
+two medical men who signed the certificate of her insanity.
+The plaintiff's case was to prove that she was
+not addicted to drinking, and that there was no pretence
+for treating hers as a case of <i>delirium tremens</i>.
+Dr. Tunstal, the last of plaintiff's witnesses, described
+one case in which he had cured a patient of <i>delirium
+tremens</i> in a <i>single night</i>, and he added, "It was a case
+of gradual drinking, <i>sipping all day</i> from morning till
+night." These words were scarcely uttered when Mr.
+Chambers rose in triumph, and said, "My lord, that is
+<i>my case</i>."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>On the Northern Circuit a century ago, there was a
+famous barrister who was familiarly known among his
+brother advocates as Jack Lee. He was engaged in
+examining one Mary Pritchard, of Barnsley, and began
+his examination with, "Well, Mary, if I may credit
+what I hear, I may venture to address you by the name
+of Black Moll."&mdash;"Faith you may, mister lawyer, for I
+am always called so by the blackguards." On another
+occasion he was retained for the plaintiff in an action
+for breach of promise of marriage. When the consultation
+took place, he inquired whether the lady for
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span>whose injury he was to seek redress was good-looking.
+"Very handsome indeed, sir," was the assurance of
+her attorney. "Then, sir," replied Lee, "I beg you
+will request her to be in Court, and in a place where
+she can be seen." The attorney promised compliance,
+and the lady, in accordance with Lee's wishes, took
+her seat in a conspicuous place, where the jury could
+see her. Lee, in addressing the jury, did not fail to insist
+with great warmth on the "abominable cruelty"
+which had been exercised towards "the highly attractive
+and modest girl who trusted her cause to their
+discernment"; and did not sit down until he had succeeded
+in working upon their feelings with great and,
+as he thought, successful effect. The counsel on the
+other side, however, speedily broke the spell with
+which Lee had enchanted the jury, by observing that
+"his learned friend, in describing the graces and
+beauty of the plaintiff, ought in common fairness not
+to have concealed from the jury the fact that the lady
+had a <i>wooden leg</i>!" The Court was convulsed with
+laughter at this discovery, while Lee, who was ignorant
+of this circumstance, looked aghast; and the jury,
+ashamed of the influence that mere eloquence had had
+upon them, returned a verdict for the defendant.</p>
+
+<p>Justice Willes, the son of Chief Justice Willes, had
+an offensive habit of interrupting counsel. On one
+occasion an old practitioner was so irritated by this
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span>practice that he retorted sharply by saying, "Your
+lordship doubtless shows greater acuteness even than
+your father, the Chief Justice, for he used to understand
+me <i>after I had done</i>, but your lordship understands
+me even <i>before I have begun</i>."</p>
+
+<p>Of Whigham, a later leader on the Northern Circuit,
+an amusing story used to be told. He was defending a
+prisoner, and opened an alibi in his address to the jury,
+undertaking to prove it by calling the person who had
+been in bed with his client at the time in question, and
+deprecating their evil opinion of a woman whose moral
+character was clearly open to grave reproach, but who
+was still entitled to be believed upon her oath. Then
+he called "Jessie Crabtree." The name was, as usual,
+repeated by the crier, and there came pushing his way
+sturdily through the crowd a big Lancashire lad in his
+rough dress, who had been the prisoner's veritable
+bedfellow&mdash;Whigham's brief not having explained to
+him that the Christian name of his witness was, in this
+case, a male one.</p>
+
+<p>Colman, in his <i>Random Records</i>, tells the following
+anecdote of the witty barrister, Mr. Jekyll. One day
+observing a squirrel in Colman's chambers, in the
+usual round cage, performing the same operation as
+a man in a tread-mill, and looking at it for a minute,
+exclaimed, "Oh! poor devil, he's going the Home
+Circuit."</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span></p>
+<p>Jekyll was asked why he no longer spoke to a lawyer
+named Peat; to which he replied, "I choose to
+give up his acquaintance&mdash;I have common of turbary,
+and have a right to cut <i>peat</i>!" An impromptu of his
+on a learned serjeant who was holding the Court of
+Common Pleas with his glittering eye, is well known:</p>
+
+<div class="poetryblock">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Behold the serjeant full of fire,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Long shall his hearers rue it,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">His purple garments <i>came</i> from Tyre,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">His arguments <i>go to it</i>."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+</div>
+
+<p>Mr. H. L. Adam, in his volume <i>The Story of Crime</i>,
+tells an amusing story of a prisoner whose counsel had
+successfully obtained his acquittal on a charge of brutal
+assault. A policeman came across a man one night
+lying unconscious on the pavement, and near by him
+was an ordinary "bowler" hat. That was the only clue
+to the perpetrator of the deed. The police had their
+suspicions of a certain individual, whom they proceeded
+to interrogate. In addition to being unable to give a
+satisfactory account of his movements on the night of
+the assault, it was found that the "bowler" hat in question
+fitted him like a glove. He was accordingly arrested
+and charged with the crime, the hat being the
+chief evidence against him. Counsel for the defence,
+however, dwelt so impressively on the risk of accepting
+such evidence that the jury brought in a verdict of
+"not proven," and the prisoner was discharged. Be<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span>fore
+leaving the dock he turned to the judge, and
+pointing to the hat in Court, said, "My lord, may I 'ave
+my 'at."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Some amusing scenes have occurred in suits brought
+by tailors and dressmakers to recover the price of
+garments for which their customers have declined to
+pay on the ground of misfit. Serjeant Ballantine, in
+his <i>Experiences of a Barrister</i>, relates the case of a
+tailor in which the defendant was the famous Sir
+Edwin Landseer. It was tried in the Exchequer Court,
+before Baron Martin. "The coat was produced," says
+the serjeant, "and the judge suggested that Sir Edwin
+should try it on; he made a wry face, but consented,
+and took off his own upper garment. He then put an
+arm into one of the sleeves of that in dispute, and made
+an apparently ineffectual endeavour to reach the other,
+following it round amidst roars of laughter from all
+parts of the Court. It was a common jury, and I was
+told that there was a tailor upon it, upon which I suggested
+that there was a gentleman of the same profession
+as the plaintiff in Court who might assist Sir
+Edwin. This was acceded to, and out hopped a little
+Hebrew slop-seller from the Minories, to whom the
+defendant submitted his body. With difficulty he got
+into the coat, and then stood as if spitted, his back one
+mass of wrinkles. The tableau was truly amusing; the
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span>indignant plaintiff looking at the performance with
+mingled horror and disgust; Sir Edwin, as if he were
+choking; whilst the juryman, with the air of a connoisseur,
+was examining him and the coat with profound
+gravity. At last the judge, when able to stifle his
+laughter, addressing the little Hebrew, said, 'Well,
+Mr. Moses, what do you say?'&mdash;'Oh,' cried he, holding
+up a pair of hands not over clean, and very different
+from those encased in lavender gloves which graced
+the plaintiff, 'it ish poshitively shocking, my lord; I
+should have been ashamed to turn out such a thing
+from my establishment.' The rest of the jury accepted
+his view, and Sir Edwin, apparently relieved from suffocation,
+entered his own coat with a look of relief,
+which again convulsed the Court, bowed, and departed."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Financial prosecutions are as a rule very dreary,
+and any little joke perpetrated by counsel during the
+course of them is a relief. One was being heard, in
+which Mr. Muir was counsel, and to many of his statements
+the junior counsel for the prosecution shook his
+head vehemently, although he said nothing. This continual
+dumb contradiction at length got on the customary
+patience of Mr. Muir, who blurted out: "I do not
+know why my friend keeps shaking his head, whether
+it is that he has palsy, or that there's nothing in it!"</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span></p>
+<p>Mr. Baldwin was the counsel employed to oppose a
+person justifying bail in the Court of King's Bench.
+After some common questions, a waggish counsel sitting
+near suggested that the witness should be asked
+as to his having been a prisoner in Gloucester gaol.
+Mr. Baldwin thereon boldly asked: "When, sir, were
+you last in Gloucester gaol?" The witness, a respectable
+tradesman, with astonishment declared that he
+never was in a gaol in his life. Mr. Baldwin being
+foiled after putting the question in various ways, turned
+round to his friendly prompter, and asked for what
+the man had been imprisoned. He was told that it was
+for suicide. Thereupon Mr. Baldwin, with great gravity
+and solemnity addressed the witness: "Now, sir, I
+ask you upon your oath, and remember that I shall
+have your words taken down, were you not imprisoned
+in Gloucester gaol for suicide?"</p>
+
+<p>A young lawyer who had just "taken the coif," once
+said to Samuel Warren, the author of <i>Ten Thousand
+a Year</i>: "Hah! Warren, I never could manage to get
+quite through that novel of yours. What did you do
+with Oily Gammon?"&mdash;"Oh," replied Warren, "I
+made a serjeant of him, and of course he never was
+heard of afterwards."</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 299px;">
+<a name="samuel_warren" id="samuel_warren"></a>
+<img src="images/samuel_warren.jpg" width="299" height="390" alt="SAMUEL WARREN, Q.C., MASTER IN LUNACY." title="" />
+<span class="caption">SAMUEL WARREN, Q.C., MASTER IN LUNACY.</span>
+</div>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Warner Sleigh, a great thieves' counsel, was not
+debarred by etiquette from taking instructions dir<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span>ect
+from his clients. One day, following a rap on the
+door of his chambers in Middle Temple Lane, a thick-set
+man, with cropped poll of unmistakably Newgate
+cut, slunk into the room, when the following colloquy
+took place.</p>
+
+<p>"Mornin', sir," said the man, touching his forelock.
+"Morning," replied counsel. "What do you want?"&mdash;"Well,
+sir, I'm sorry to say, sir, our little Ben, sir,
+has 'ad a misfortin'; fust offence, sir, only a 'wipe'&mdash;"&mdash;"Well,
+well!" interrupted counsel. "Get on."&mdash;"So,
+sir, we thought as you've 'ad all the family business
+we'd like you to defend 'im, sir."&mdash;"All right," said
+counsel; "see my clerk&mdash;."&mdash;"Yessir," continued
+the thief; "but I thought I'd like to make sure you'd
+attend yourself, sir; we're anxious, 'cos it's little Ben,
+our youngest kid."&mdash;"Oh! that will be all right. Give
+Simmons the fee."&mdash;"Well, sir," continued the man,
+shifting about uneasily, "I was going to arst you, sir,
+to take a little less. You see, sir (wheedlingly), it's
+little Ben&mdash;his first misfortin'."&mdash;"No, no," said the
+counsel impatiently. "Clear out!"&mdash;"But, sir, you've
+'ad all our business. Well, sir, if you won't, you won't,
+so I'll pay you now, sir." And as he doled out the
+guineas: "I may as well tell you, sir, you wouldn't 'a'
+got the 'couties' if I 'adn't 'ad a little bit o' luck on
+the way."</p>
+
+<p>The gravity of the Court of Appeal was once seri<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span>ously
+disturbed by Edward Bullen reading to them
+the following paragraph from a pleading in an action
+for seduction: "The defendant denies that he is the
+father of the said twins, <i>or of either of them</i>." This he
+apologetically explained was due to an accident in his
+pupil-room, but everyone recognised the style of the
+master-hand.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Serjeant Adams, who acted as assistant judge at
+the sessions, had a very pleasant wit, and knew how
+to deal with any counsel who took to "high-falutin."
+On one occasion, after an altercation with the judge,
+the counsel for the prisoner in his address to the jury
+reminded them that "they were the great palladium of
+British Liberty&mdash;that it was <i>their</i> province to deal
+with the facts, the <i>judge</i> with the law&mdash;that they formed
+one of the great institutions of their country, and
+that they came in with William the Conqueror."
+Adams at the end of his summing up said: "Gentlemen,
+you will want to retire to consider your verdict,
+and as it seems you came in with the Conqueror you
+can now go out with the beadle."</p>
+
+<p>There was always a mystery how Edwin James,
+who at the Bar was earning an income of at least
+&pound;10,000 a year, was continually in monetary difficulties.
+Like Sir Thomas Lawrence, he must have
+had some private drain on his resources which was
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span>never disclosed. Among others who suffered was the
+landlord of his chambers, whose rent was very much
+in arrear. In the end the landlord hit upon a plan to
+discover which would be the best method of recovering
+his rent, and one day asked James to advise him
+on a legal matter in which he was interested, and
+thereupon drew up a statement of his grievance against
+his own tenant. The paper was duly returned to the
+landlord next day with the following sentence subjoined:
+"In my opinion this is a case which admits of
+only one remedy&mdash;patience. Edwin James."</p>
+
+<p>In a case before Lord Campbell, James took a line
+with a witness which his lordship considered quite inadmissible,
+and stopped him. When summing up to
+the jury Lord Campbell thought to soften his interruption
+by saying: "You will have observed, gentlemen,
+that I felt it my duty to stop Mr. Edwin James
+in a certain line which he sought to adopt in the cross-examination
+of one of the witnesses; but at the same
+time I had no intention to cast any reflection on the
+learned counsel who I am sure is known to you all as
+a most able&mdash;" but before his lordship could proceed
+any further James interposed, and in a contemptuous
+voice exclaimed: "My lord, I have borne your lordship's
+censure, spare me your lordship's praise."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Mr. W. G. Thorpe, F.S.A., in his entertaining vol<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span>ume
+of <i>Middle Temple Table Talk</i>, relates a curious
+story of a judge taking an extremely personal interest
+in a case which was brought before him. A milk company
+had sold off a lot of old stock to a cake-maker,
+and the cake-maker had declined to pay because the
+milk had turned out to be poisonous. As the case went
+on the judge became more and more exercised. "What
+do they do with this stuff?" he asked, pointing to a
+mass of horrible mixture. "Oh, my lord, they make
+cakes of it; it doesn't taste in the cakes."&mdash;"Where do
+they sell these cakes?" was the judge's next question,
+and the reply was, "They are used for certain railway
+stations, school-treats, and excursions." Then the defendant
+specified one of the places. "Bless me!" said
+the judge, turning an olive-green, "I had some there
+myself," and with a shudder he retired to his private
+room, returning in a few minutes wiping his mouth.</p>
+
+<p>There is another story of a counsel defending a
+woman on a charge of causing the death of her husband
+by administering a poisoned cake to him. "I'll
+eat some of the cake myself," he said in Court, and took
+a bite. Just at this moment a telegram was brought to
+him to say that his wife was seriously ill, and he obtained
+permission to leave in order to answer the message.
+He returned, finished his speech, and obtained
+the acquittal of his client. It transpired afterwards
+that the telegram business was arranged in order that
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span>counsel could obtain an emetic after swallowing the
+cake.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Mr. Montagu Williams tells a story, in his interesting
+<i>Leaves of a Life</i>, of two members of the Bar, one
+of whom had made a large fortune by his practice, but
+worked too hard to enjoy his gains, while the other,
+who only made a decent living, liked to enjoy life. They
+met on one occasion at the end of a long vacation, and
+the rich man asked his less fortunate brother what he
+had been doing. "I have been on the Continent," the
+other replied, "and I enjoyed my holiday very much.
+What have you been doing?"&mdash;"I have been working,"
+said the rich Q.C., "and have not been out of town;
+I had lots of work to do."&mdash;"What is the use of
+it?" queried the other; "you can't carry the money
+with you when you die; and if you could, <i>it would
+soon melt</i>."</p>
+
+<p>From the same work we take the following story of
+Serjeant Ballantine. On one occasion he was acting in
+a case with a Jewish solicitor, and it happened that
+one of the hostile witnesses also belonged to the same
+race. Just as the serjeant was about to examine him,
+the solicitor whispered in Ballantine's ear: "Ask him
+as your first question, if he isn't a Jew."&mdash;"Why, but
+you're a Jew yourself," said the serjeant in some surprise.
+"Never mind, never mind," replied the little
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span>solicitor eagerly. "Please do&mdash;just to prejudice the
+jury."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 291px;">
+<a name="lord_romilly" id="lord_romilly"></a>
+<img src="images/lord_romilly.jpg" width="291" height="390" alt="JOHN ROMILLY, BARON ROMILLY, MASTER OF THE ROLLS." title="" />
+<span class="caption">JOHN ROMILLY, BARON ROMILLY, MASTER OF THE ROLLS.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>No collection of the wit and humour of the Bar
+would be complete without some specimens of Sir
+Frank Lockwood's racy sayings. From Mr. Augustine
+Birrell's <i>Life of Lockwood</i> we quote the following:</p>
+
+<p>"A tale is attached to Lockwood's first brief. It was
+on a petition to the Master of the Rolls for payment
+out of Court of a sum of money; and Lockwood appeared
+for an official liquidator of a company whose
+consent had to be obtained before the Court would
+part with the fund. Lockwood was instructed to consent,
+and his reward was to be three guineas on the
+brief and one guinea for consultation. The petition
+came on in due course before Lord Romilly, and was
+made plain to him by counsel for the petitioner, and
+still a little plainer by counsel for the principal respondent.</p>
+
+<p>"Then up rose Lockwood, an imposing figure, and
+indicated his appearance in the case.</p>
+
+<p>"'What brings <i>you</i> here?' said Lord Romilly, meaning,
+I presume, 'Why need I listen to you?'</p>
+
+<p>"Lockwood looking puzzled, Lord Romilly added a
+little testily, 'What do you come here for?'</p>
+
+<p>"The answer was immediate, unexpected, and, accompanied
+as it was by a dramatic glance at the out<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span>side
+of his brief, as if to refresh his memory, triumphant,
+'Three and one, my lord!'"</p>
+
+<p>"The following letter is to Mrs. Atkinson:</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>
+<span class="smcap">1 Hare Court, Temple, E.C., London.</span>
+<i>September 18, '72.</i>
+</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">My Dear Loo</span>,&mdash;I trust it is well with yourself,
+John, and the childer.... It is an off-day. We are
+resting on our legal oars after a prolonged and determined
+struggle yesterday. Know! that near our native
+hamlet is the level of Hatfield Chase, whereon are
+numerous drains. Our drain (speaking from the Corporation
+of Hatfield Chase point of view) we have
+stopped, for our own purposes. Consequently, the adjacent
+lands have been flooded, are flooded, and will
+continue to be flooded. The landed gentry wish us to
+remove our dam, saying that if we don't they won't be
+worth a d&mdash;n. We answer that we don't care a d&mdash;n.</p>
+
+<p>This interesting case has been simmering in the
+law-courts since 1820. The landed gentry got a verdict
+in their favour at the last Lincoln Assizes, but
+find themselves little the better, as we have appealed,
+and our dam still reigns triumphant. Yesterday an
+application was made to the judge to order our dam to
+be removed. In the absence of Mellor, I donned my
+forensic armour and did battle for the Corporation.
+After two hours' hard fighting, we adjourned for a
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span>week; in the meantime the floods may rise, and the
+winds blow. The farmers yelled with rage when they
+heard that the dam had got a week's respite. I rather
+fancy that they will yell louder on Tuesday, as I hope
+to win another bloodless victory. It is a pretty wanton
+sport, the cream of the joke being that the dam is no
+good to us or to anybody else, and we have no real objection
+to urge against its removal, excepting that such
+a measure would be informal, and contrary to the law
+as laid down some hundred years ago by an old gentleman
+who never heard of a steam-engine, and who
+would have fainted at the sight of a telegraph post. As
+we have the most money on our side, I trust we shall
+win in the end. None of this useful substance, however,
+comes my way, as it is Mellor's work. But I hope
+to reap some advantage from it, both as to experience
+and introduction. I make no apology for troubling you
+with this long narration. I wish it to sink into your
+mind, and into that of your good husband. Let it be a
+warning to you and yours. And never by any chance
+become involved in any difficulties which will bring
+you into a court of law of higher jurisdiction than a
+police court. An occasional 'drunk and disorderly'
+will do you no harm, and only cost you 5<i>s.</i> Beyond a
+little indulgence of this kind&mdash;beware! In all probability
+I shall be in the North in a few weeks. Sessions
+commence next month. I will write to the Mum this
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span>week.&mdash;With best love to all, I am, Your affectionate
+brother,</p>
+
+<p>
+<span class="smcap">Frank Lockwood</span>."<br />
+</p></div>
+
+<p>"Mr. Mellor vouches for the following story, which,
+as it illustrates Lockwood's humour and had gone the
+round of the newspapers, I will tell. It is the ancient
+custom of the new Lord Mayor of London, attended by
+the Recorder and Sheriffs, to come into the law-courts
+and be introduced to the Lord Chief Justice or, if he is
+not there, to the senior judge to be found on the premises,
+and, after a little lecture from the Bench, to return
+good for evil by inviting the judges to dinner, only to
+receive the somewhat chilling answer, 'Some of their
+lordships will attend.' On this occasion the ceremony
+was over, and the Lord Mayor and his retinue was retiring
+from the Court, when his lordship's eye rested
+on Lockwood, who in a new wig was one of the throng
+by the door. 'Ah, my young friend!' said the Lord
+Mayor in a pompous way (for in those days there was
+no London County Council to teach Lord Mayors humility);
+'picking up a little law, I suppose?' Lockwood
+had his answer ready. With a profound bow, he replied:
+'I shall be delighted to accept your lordship's
+hospitality. I think I heard your lordship name seven
+as the hour.' The Lord Mayor hurried out of Court,
+and even the policeman (and to the police Lord Mayors
+are almost divine) shook with laughter."</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span></p>
+<p>Counsel sometimes find their position so weak that
+their only hope of damaging the other side lies in ridiculing
+their witnesses. Serjeant Parry on one occasion
+was defending a client against a claim for breach of
+promise of marriage made a few hours after a chance
+meeting in Regent Street. According to the lady's
+story the introduction had been effected through the
+gentleman offering to protect her from a dog. In course
+of cross-examination Parry said: "You say you were
+alarmed at two dogs fighting, madam?"&mdash;"No, no, it
+was a single dog," was the reply. "What you mean, madam,"
+retorted Parry, "is that there was only one dog;
+but whether it was a single dog or a married dog you
+are not in a position to say." With this correction it need
+not be wondered that the lady had little more to say.</p>
+
+<p>A learned counsellor in the midst of an affecting appeal
+in Court on a slander case delivered himself of the
+following flight of genius. "Slander, gentlemen, like a
+boa constrictor of gigantic size and immeasurable proportions,
+wraps the coil of its unwieldy body about
+its unfortunate victim, and, heedless of the shrieks of
+agony that come from the utmost depths of its victim's
+soul, loud and reverberating as the night thunder that
+rolls in the heavens, it finally breaks its unlucky neck
+upon the iron wheel of public opinion; forcing him first
+to desperation, then to madness, and finally crushing
+him in the hideous jaws of mortal death."</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span></p>
+<p>Talking of his early days at the Bar, Mr. Thomas
+Edward Crispe, in <i>Reminiscences of a K.C.</i>, relates how
+on one occasion he was opposed by a somewhat eccentric
+counsel named Wharton, known in his day as the
+"Poet of Pump Court." The case was really a simple
+one, but Wharton made so much of it that when the
+luncheon half-hour came the judge, Mr. Justice Archibald,
+with some emphasis, addressing Mr. Wharton,
+said: "We will now adjourn, and, Mr. Wharton, I hope
+you will take the opportunity of conferring with your
+friend Mr. Crispe and settling the matter out of Court."</p>
+
+<p>But Wharton would not agree to this, and when at
+last he had to address the jury, he, in the course of his
+speech, made the following remarks, for every word
+of which Mr. Crispe vouches:</p>
+
+<p>"Gentlemen, I think it only courteous to the learned
+judge to refer to the advice his lordship gave me to
+settle the matter out of Court. That reminds me of a
+case, tried in a country court, in an action for detention
+of a donkey. The plaintiff was a costermonger and the
+defendant a costermonger; they conducted the case in
+person. At one o'clock the judge said: 'Now, my men,
+I'm going to have my lunch, and before I come back
+I hope you'll settle your dispute out of Court.' When
+he returned the plaintiff came in with a black eye and
+the defendant with a bleeding nose, and the defendant
+said: 'Well, your honour, we've taken your honour's
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span>advice; Jim's given me a good hiding, and I've given
+him back his donkey.'"</p>
+
+<p>Mr. F. E. Smith, M.P., tells a story of a County
+Court case he was once engaged in, in which the
+plaintiff's son, a lad of eight years, was to appear as a
+witness.</p>
+
+<p>When the youngster entered the box he wore boots
+several sizes too large, a hat that almost hid his face,
+long trousers rolled up so that the baggy knees were
+at his ankles, and, to complete the picture, a swallow-tail
+coat that had to be held to keep it from sweeping
+the floor. This ludicrous picture was too much for the
+Court; but the judge, between his spasms of laughter,
+managed to ask the boy his reason for appearing in
+such garb.</p>
+
+<p>With wondering look the lad fished in an inner
+pocket and hauled the summons from it, pointing out
+a sentence with solemn mien as he did so: "To appear
+in his father's suit" it read.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>There have been few readier men in retort than the
+late Mr. Francis Oswald, the author of <i>Oswald on
+Contempt of Court</i>. After a stiff breeze in a Chancery
+Court, the judge snapped out, "Well, I can't teach you
+manners, Mr. Oswald."&mdash;"That is so, m'lud, that is so,"
+replied the imperturbable one. On another occasion,
+an irascible judge observed, "If you say another word,
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span>Mr. Oswald, I'll commit you."&mdash;"That raises another
+point&mdash;as to your lordship's power to commit counsel
+engaged in arguing before you," was the cool answer.</p>
+
+<p>The author of <i>Pie Powder</i> in his entertaining volume,
+tells us that he was once dining with a barrister who
+had just taken silk. In the course of after-dinner talk,
+the new K.C. invited his friend to tell him what he
+considered was his (the K.C.'s) chief fault in style. After
+some considerable hesitation his friend admitted that
+he thought the K.C. erred occasionally in being too
+long. This apparently somewhat annoyed the K.C.,
+and his friend feeling he had perhaps spoken too freely,
+thought he would smooth matters by inviting similar
+criticism of himself from the K.C., who at once replied,
+"My dear boy, I don't think really you have any fault.
+<i>Except, you know, you are so d&mdash;d offensive.</i>"</p>
+
+<p>A judge and a facetious lawyer conversing on the
+subject of the transmigration of souls, the judge said,
+"If you and I were turned into a horse and an ass,
+which of them would you prefer to be?"&mdash;"The ass, to
+be sure," replied the lawyer.&mdash;"Why?"&mdash;"Because,"
+replied the lawyer, "I have heard of an ass being a
+judge, but of a horse, never."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 289px;">
+<a name="serjeant_talfourd" id="serjeant_talfourd"></a>
+<img src="images/serjeant_talfourd.jpg" width="289" height="390" alt="SERJEANT TALFOURD." title="" />
+<span class="caption">SERJEANT TALFOURD.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>In some cases counsel receive answers to questions
+which they had no business to put, and these, if not
+quite to their liking, are what they justly deserve. The
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span>following story of George Clarke, a celebrated negro
+minstrel, is a case in point. On one occasion, when
+being examined as a witness, he was severely interrogated
+by a lawyer. "You are in the minstrel business,
+I believe?" inquired the lawyer. "Yes, sir," was the
+reply. "Is not that rather a low calling?"&mdash;"I don't
+know but what it is, sir," replied the minstrel; "but it
+is so much better than my father's that I am rather
+proud of it." The lawyer fell into the trap. "What
+was your father's calling?" he inquired. "He was a
+lawyer," replied Clarke, in a tone that sent the whole
+Court into a roar of laughter as the discomfited lawyer
+sat down.</p>
+
+<p>At the Durham Assizes an action was tried which
+turned out to have been brought by one neighbour
+against another for a trifling matter. The plaintiff was
+a deaf old lady, and after a pause the judge suggested
+that the counsel should get his client to compromise
+it, and to ask her what she would take to settle it. Very
+loudly counsel shouted out to his client: "His lordship
+wants to know what you will take?" She at once
+replied: "I thank his lordship kindly, and if it's no ill
+convenience to him, I'll take a little <i>warm ale</i>."</p>
+
+<p>A tailor sent his bill to a lawyer, and a message to
+ask for payment. The lawyer bid the messenger tell his
+master that he was not running away, and was very
+busy at the time. The messenger returned and said
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span>he must have the money. The lawyer testily answered,
+"Did you tell your master that I was not running
+away?"&mdash;"Yes, I did, sir; but he bade me tell you that
+<i>he was</i>."</p>
+
+<p>A well-known barrister at the criminal Bar, who
+prided himself upon his skill in cross-examining a witness,
+had an odd-looking witness upon whom to operate.
+"You say, sir, that the prisoner is a thief?"&mdash;"Yes,
+sir&mdash;'cause why, she confessed it."&mdash;"And you also
+swear she did some repairs for you subsequent to the
+confession?"&mdash;"I do, sir."&mdash;"Then," giving a knowing
+look at the Court, "we are to understand that you employ
+dishonest people to work for you, even after their
+rascalities are known?"&mdash;"Of course! How else could
+I get assistance from a lawyer?"&mdash;"Stand down!"
+shouted the man of law.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>At Worcester Assizes, a cause was tried as to the
+soundness of a horse, and a clergyman had been a witness,
+who gave a very confused account of the transaction,
+and the matters he spoke to. A blustering
+counsel on the other side, after many attempts to get
+at the facts, said: "Pray, sir, do you know the difference
+between a horse and a cow?"&mdash;"I acknowledge
+my ignorance," replied the clergyman. "I hardly know
+the difference between a horse and a cow, or between a
+bully and a bull. Only a bull, I am told, has horns, and
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span>a bully," bowing respectfully to the counsel, "<i>luckily
+for me, has none</i>."</p>
+
+<p>"In Court one day," says Mr. W. Andrews in <i>The
+Lawyer</i>, "I heard the following sharp encounter between
+a witness and an exceedingly irascible old-fashioned
+solicitor who, among other things, hated
+the modern custom of growing a beard or moustache.
+He himself grew side-whiskers in the most approved
+style of half a century ago. "Speak up, witness," he
+shouted, "and don't stand mumbling there. If you
+would shave off that unsightly moustache we might be
+better able to hear what was coming out of your lips."
+"And if you, sir," said the witness quietly, "would
+shave off those side-whiskers you would enable my
+words to reach your ears.""</p>
+
+<p>"My friend," said an irritable lawyer, "you are an
+ass."&mdash;"Do you mean, sir," asked the witness, "that I
+am your friend because I am an ass, or an ass because
+I am your friend?"</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Counsel sometimes comes to grief in dealing with
+experts. "Do you," asked one of a scientist, "know of a
+substance called Sulphonylic Diazotised Sesqui Oxide
+of Aldehyde?" and he looked round triumphantly.
+"Certainly," came the reply. "It is analogous in diatomic
+composition of Para Sulpho Benzine Azode
+Methyl Aniline in conjunction with Phehekato<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span>line."
+Counsel said he would pursue the matter no
+further.</p>
+
+<p>An action was brought by the owner of a donkey
+which was forced against a wall by a waggon and
+killed. The driver of the donkey was the chief witness,
+and was much bullied by Mr. Raine, the defendant's
+counsel, so that he lost his head and was reprimanded
+by the judge for not giving direct answers, and looking
+the jury in the face. Mr. Raine had a powerful
+cast in his eye, which probably heightened the poor
+fellow's confusion; and he continued to deal very severely
+with the witness, reminding him again and
+again of the judge's caution, saying: "Hold up your
+head, man: look up, I say. Can't you hold up your
+head, fellow? Can't you look as I do?" The witness,
+with much simplicity, at once answered, "I can't, you
+squint." On re-examination, Serjeant Cockle for the
+plaintiff, seeing gleams of the witness's recovery from
+his confusion, asked him to describe the position of
+the waggon and the donkey. After much pressing, at
+last he said, "Well, my lord judge, I'll tell you as how
+it happened." Turning to Cockle, he said, "You'll
+suppose ye are the wall."&mdash;"Aye, aye, just so, go on.
+I am the wall, very good."&mdash;"Yes, sir, you are the
+wall." Then changing his position a little, he said, "I
+am the waggon."&mdash;"Yes, very good; now proceed, you
+are the waggon," said the judge. The witness then
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span>looked to the judge, and hesitating at first, but with a
+low bow and a look of sudden despair, said, "And
+your lordship's the ass!"</p>
+
+<p>Serjeant Cockle, who had a rough, blustering manner,
+once got from a witness more than he gave. In
+a trial of a right of fishery, he asked the witness:
+"Dost thou love fish?"&mdash;"Aye," replied the witness,
+with a grin, "but I donna like cockle sauce with it."
+The learned serjeant was not pleased with the roar of
+laughter which followed the remark.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Mr. H. L. Adam in <i>The Story of Crime</i> says he remembers
+a very amusing incident in one of our police
+courts. A prisoner had engaged a solicitor to defend
+him, and while the latter was speaking on his behalf
+he suddenly broke in with, "Why, he dunno wot the
+devil he's talking abaht!" Thereupon the magistrate
+informed him that if he was dissatisfied with his advocate's
+capabilities, he could, if he chose, defend himself.
+This he elected to do, and in the end was acquitted,
+the magistrate remarking that had the case been
+left to counsel he would unquestionably have been
+convicted.</p>
+
+<p>In cross-examining a witness, says Judge Parry in
+<i>What the Judge Saw</i>, who had described the effects
+of an accident, was confronted by counsel with his
+statement, and asked, "But hadn't you told the doctor
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span>that your thigh was numb and had no feeling?"&mdash;"What's
+the good o' telling him anything," replied
+the witness. "That's where doctor made a mistake. I
+told 'im I was numb i' front, and what does he do but
+go and stick a pin into my back-side. 'E's no doctor."</p>
+
+<p>From the same source is the following story. Another
+man was testifying to an accident that had occurred
+to him at the works where he was employed.
+It was sought to prove that his testimony was false
+because he had a holiday that day, and this poser was
+put to him: "Do you mean to tell the Court that you
+came to work when you might have been enjoying a
+holiday?"&mdash;"Certainly."&mdash;"Why did you do that?"
+The reply was too obviously truthful. "What should
+I do? I have nowhere to go. I'm teetotal now."</p>
+
+<p>A Jew had been condemned to be hanged, and was
+brought to the gallows along with a fellow prisoner;
+but on the road, before reaching the place of execution,
+a reprieve arrived for the Jew. When informed of this,
+it was expected that he would instantly leave the cart
+in which he was conveyed, but he remained and saw
+his fellow prisoner hanged. Being asked why he did
+not at once go about his business, he said, "He was
+waiting to see if he could bargain with Mr. Ketch for
+the <i>other gentleman's clothes</i>!"</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span></p><p>A sign-painter presented his bill to a lawyer for payment.
+After examining it the lawyer said, "Do you expect
+any painter will go to heaven if they make such
+charges as these?"&mdash;"I never heard of but one that
+went," said the painter, "and he behaved so badly
+that they determined to turn him out, but there being
+no lawyer present to draw up the Writ of Ejectment,
+he remained."</p>
+
+<p>This must be the lawyer who, being refused entrance
+to heaven by St. Peter, contrived to throw his
+hat inside the door; and then, being permitted to go
+and fetch it, took advantage of the Saint being fixed to
+his post as doorkeeper and refused to come back again.</p>
+
+<p>A solicitor who was known to occasionally exceed
+the limit at lunch betrayed so much unsteadiness that
+the magistrate quickly observed, "I think, Mr. &mdash;&mdash;,
+you are not quite well, perhaps you had a little too
+much wine at lunch."&mdash;"Quite a mistake, your worship,"
+hiccoughed Mr. &mdash;&mdash;. "It was brandy and
+water."</p>
+
+<p>The son-in-law of a Chancery barrister having succeeded
+to the lucrative practice of the latter, came one
+morning in breathless haste to inform him that he had
+succeeded in bringing nearly to its termination a cause
+which had been pending in the Court for several years.
+Instead of obtaining the expected congratulations of
+the retired veteran of the law, his intelligence was received
+with indignation. "It was by this suit," ex<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span>claimed
+he, "that my father was enabled to provide for
+me, and to portion your wife, and with the exercise of
+common prudence it would have furnished you with
+the means of providing handsomely for your children
+and grandchildren."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_THREE" id="CHAPTER_THREE"></a>CHAPTER THREE<br />
+THE JUDGES OF IRELAND</h2>
+
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="poetryblock">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"So slow is justice in its ways<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Beset by more than customary clogs,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Going to law in these expensive days<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Is much the same as going to the dogs."<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Willock</span>: <i>Legal Faceti&aelig;</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+</div>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>CHAPTER THREE<br />
+THE JUDGES OF IRELAND</h2>
+
+
+<p>In the days of Queen Anne corruption
+was rife among Irish judges, as it was also among
+members of the Scottish Bench at an earlier period,
+and it was not uncommon to find the former concurring
+in Privy Council reports issued contrary to evidence.
+Within the area of the Munster Circuit in the early
+years of the eighteenth century a petition was signed
+and presented to Parliament by clergy, resident gentry,
+and others in the district, because Lord Chancellor
+Phipps refused to be influenced in his decision of cases
+coming before him, and had thereby incurred the displeasure
+of a certain section of the Irish Parliament.
+Even a Lord Chief Justice was not above taking a gift;
+and in this connection O'Flanagan in <i>The Munster
+Circuit</i> tells a story of Chief Justice Pyne, who was a
+great cattle-breeder and owner of valuable stock. One
+day before starting for Cork Assizes to try a case in
+which a Mr. Weller and a Mr. Nangle were concerned,
+he received a visit from the former's steward, who had
+been sent with a herd of twenty-five splendid heifers
+for his lordship. The judge was highly pleased, and returned
+by the steward a gracious message of thanks to
+his master. On the way to Cork the Chief Justice's
+coach was stopped by a drove of valuable shorthorns
+on the road. Looking out, his lordship demanded of the
+drover, "Whose beasts are these, my man?"&mdash;"They
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span>belong, please your honour, to a great gentleman of
+these parts, Judge Pyne, your honour," replied the
+man. "Indeed," cried the Chief Justice in much surprise,
+"and where are you taking them now?"&mdash;"They
+are grazing in my master Mr. Nangle's farm, your honour;
+and as the Assizes are coming on at Cork my
+master thought the judge might like to see that he took
+good care of them, so I'm taking them to Waterpark
+(his lordship's estate) to show to the judge." The judge
+felt the delicacy of Mr. Nangle's mode of giving his
+present, and putting a guinea in the drover's hand
+said, "As your master has taken such good care of my
+cattle, I will take care of him." When the case came
+on it appeared at first that the judge favoured the
+plaintiff, Mr. Weller, but as it proceeded he changed
+his views and finally decided for the defendant, Mr.
+Nangle. On arriving home the judge's first question
+was, "Are the cattle all safe?"&mdash;"Perfectly, my lord."&mdash;"Where
+are the beasts I received on leaving for the
+Cork Assizes?"&mdash;"They are where you left them, my
+lord."&mdash;"Where I left them&mdash;that is impossible," exclaimed
+the judge. "I left them on the road." The steward
+looked puzzled. "I'll have a look at them myself,"
+said Chief Justice Pyne. The steward led the way, and
+pointed out the twenty-five fine heifers presented by
+Mr. Weller, the plaintiff. "But where are the shorthorns
+that came after I left home?"&mdash;"Bedad, the
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span>long and the short of it is, them's all the cattle on the
+land, except what we have bred ourselves, my lord."
+And so it was. Mr. Nangle, the defendant, had so arranged
+his gift to meet the judge on the road, but as
+soon as his lordship's coach was out of sight the cattle
+were driven back to their familiar fields. The Chief
+Justice had been outwitted and had no power of showing
+resentment.</p>
+
+<p>In the manners and customs of the legal profession
+of Ireland in the latter part of the eighteenth century,
+there is also a strong similarity between the members
+of the Scottish Bench and their Irish brethren, in that
+they were heavy port drinkers; and did not hesitate
+to indulge in it while sitting on the Bench. It is reported
+of one Irish judge that he had a specially constructed
+metal tube like a penholder, through which
+he sucked his favourite liquor, from what appeared to
+the audience to be a metal inkstand. Another judge on
+being asked if, at a social gathering, he had seen a
+learned brother dance, "Yes," he replied, "I saw him
+in a <i>reel</i>"; while Curran referring to a third judge, who
+had condemned a prisoner to death, said, "He did not
+weep, but he had a drop in his eye."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Unblushing effrontery and a bronzed visage gained
+for John Scott (Lord Clonmel) while at the Bar the sobriquet
+of "Copper-faced Jack." He took the popular
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span>side in politics, which ordinarily would not have led to
+promotion in his profession; but his outstanding ability
+attracted the attention of Lord Chancellor Lifford,
+and through his influence Scott was offered a place
+under the Government. On accepting it at the hands
+of Lord Townshend, he said, "My lord, you have spoiled
+a good patriot." Some time after he met Flood, a
+co-patriot, and addressed him: "Well, I suppose you
+will be abusing me as usual." To which Flood replied:
+"When I began to abuse you, you were a briefless barrister;
+by abuse I made you counsel to the revenue,
+by abuse I got you a silk gown, by abuse I made you
+Solicitor-General, by abuse I may make you Chief Justice.
+No, Scott, I'll praise you."</p>
+
+<p>When Lord Clonmel was Lord Chief Justice he upheld
+the undignified practice of demanding a shilling
+for administering an oath, and used to be well satisfied,
+provided the coin was a <i>good one</i>. In his time the
+Birmingham shilling was current, and he used the following
+extraordinary precautions to avoid being imposed
+upon by taking a bad one. "You shall true answer
+make to such questions as shall be demanded of
+you touching this affidavit, so help you God! <i>Is this
+a good shilling?</i> Are the contents of this affidavit true?
+Is this your name and handwriting?"</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>The family of Henn belonging to Clare have been,
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span>generation after generation, since the first of the name
+became Chief Baron in 1679, connected with the Irish
+Bench and Bar. William Henn, a descendant of the
+Chief Baron, was made a Judge of the King's Bench in
+1767, and when on Circuit at Wexford in 1789 two
+young barristers contended before him with great zeal
+and pertinacity, each flatly contradicting the other as
+to the law of the case; and both at each turn of the
+argument again and again referred with exemplary
+confidence to the learned judge, as so well knowing
+that what was said by him (the speaker) was right.
+The judge said, "Well, gentlemen, can I settle this
+matter between you? You, sir, say positively the law
+is one way; and you, sir (turning to the opponent), as
+unequivocally say it is the other way. I wish to God,
+Billy Harris (leaning over and addressing the registrar
+who sat beneath him), I knew what the law really
+was!"&mdash;"My lord," replied Billy Harris, rising, and
+turning round with great gravity and respect, "if I
+possessed that knowledge, I assure your lordship that
+I would tell your lordship with great pleasure!"&mdash;"Then,"
+exclaimed the judge, "we'll save the point,
+Billy Harris!"</p>
+
+<p>Although more appropriate in the following chapter,
+we may here introduce a story of the younger son of
+the Judge Henn of the previous story. Jonathan, who
+was more distinguished than his elder brother&mdash;an<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span>other
+Judge Henn&mdash;did not attain to the Bench. In early
+years he was indifferent whether briefs were given him
+or not, and indeed on one occasion he is said to have
+sent a message to the Attorney-General, who had
+called to engage him in a case, to keep "his d&mdash;d brief
+and to take himself to the d&mdash;l." But later he became
+very industrious, and his natural ability soon brought
+him into a large and lucrative practice. He was counsel
+for the Government at the trial of John Mitchell, and
+at its close the wags of the Court declared that "Judge
+Moore <i>spoke</i> to the evidence, but Jonathan Henn
+<i>charged the jury</i>."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 287px;">
+<a name="viscount_carleton" id="viscount_carleton"></a>
+<img src="images/viscount_carleton.jpg" width="287" height="390" alt="HUGH CARLETON, VISCOUNT CARLETON, LORD CHIEF JUSTICE OF IRELAND." title="" />
+<span class="caption">HUGH CARLETON, VISCOUNT CARLETON, LORD CHIEF JUSTICE OF IRELAND.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Chief Justice Carleton was a most lugubrious judge,
+and was always complaining of something or other, but
+chiefly about the state of his health, so that Curran remarked
+that it was strange the old judge was <i>plaintive</i>
+in every case tried before him.</p>
+
+<p>One day his lordship came into Court very late,
+looking very woeful. He apologised to the Bar for being
+obliged to adjourn the Court at once and dismiss
+the jury for that day. "Though," his lordship added,
+"I am aware that an important issue stands for trial.
+But, the fact is, gentlemen (addressing the Bar in a
+low tone of voice and somewhat confidentially), I have
+met with a domestic misfortune, which has altogether
+deranged my nerves. Poor Lady Carleton has, most
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span>unfortunately, miscarried, and&mdash;." "Oh, then, my
+lord," exclaimed Curran, "I am sure we are all quite
+satisfied your lordship has done right in deciding
+there is no <i>issue</i> to try to-day." His lordship smiled a
+ghastly smile, and, retiring, thanked the Bar for their
+sympathy.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Judge Foster was trying five prisoners for murder,
+and misunderstood the drift of the evidence. Four of
+the prisoners seem to have assisted, but a witness
+said as to the fifth, Denis Halligan, that it was he
+who gave the fatal blow: "My lord, I saw Denis Halligan
+(that's in the dock there) take a vacancy (Irish
+word for 'aim' at an unguarded part) at the poor soul
+that's kilt, and give him a wipe with a <i>clehalpin</i> (Irish
+word for 'bludgeon'), and lay him down as quiet as a
+child." They were found guilty. The judge, sentencing
+the first four, gave them seven years' imprisonment.
+But when he came to Halligan, who really
+killed the deceased, the judge said, "Denis Halligan,
+I have purposely reserved the consideration of your
+case to the last. Your crime is doubtless of a grievous
+nature, yet I cannot avoid taking into consideration
+the mitigating circumstances that attend it. By the
+evidence of the witness it clearly appears that <i>you</i>
+were the only one of the party who showed any mercy
+to the unfortunate deceased. You took him to a vacant
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span>seat, and wiped him with a clean napkin, and you laid
+him down with the gentleness one shows to a little
+child. In consideration of these extenuating circumstances,
+which reflect some credit upon you, I shall inflict
+upon you three weeks' imprisonment." So Denis
+Halligan got off by the judge mistaking a vacancy for a
+vacant seat, and a <i>clehalpin</i> for a clean napkin.</p>
+
+<p>John Toler (Lord Norbury) was Chief Justice of the
+Common Pleas in Ireland. His humour was broad, and
+his absolute indifference to propriety often saved the
+situation by converting a serious matter into a wholly
+ludicrous one. His Court was in constant uproar, owing
+to his noisy jesting, and like a noted old Scottish
+judge he would have his joke when the life of a human
+being was hanging in the balance. Even on his own
+deathbed he could not resist the impulse. On hearing
+that his friend Lord Erne was also nearing his end at
+the same time, he called for his valet: "James," said
+Lord Norbury, "run round to Lord Erne and tell him
+with my compliments that it will be a <i>dead</i>-heat between
+us."</p>
+
+<p>The best illustration of the almost daily condition
+of things when Lord Norbury presided at Nisi Prius
+is given by himself in his reply to the answer of a witness.
+"What is your business?" asked the judge. "I
+keep a <i>racquet-court</i>, my lord."&mdash;"So do I, so do I,"
+immediately exclaimed the judge. Nor did he reserve
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span>his <i>bon mots</i> for Court merriment. Passing the Quay on
+his way to the Four Courts one morning, he noticed a
+crowd and inquired of a bystander the cause of it. On
+being told that a tailor had just been rescued from attempted
+suicide by drowning, his lordship exclaimed,
+"What a fool to leave his <i>hot goose</i> for a <i>cold duck</i>."
+The boastful statement of a gentleman in his company
+that he had shot seventy hares before breakfast drew
+from the Chief Justice the sarcastic remark, "I suppose,
+sir, you fired at a wig."</p>
+
+<p>A son of a peer having been accused of arson, of
+which offence he was generally believed guilty, but acquitted
+on a point of insufficiency of evidence to sustain
+the indictment, was tried before Lord Norbury.
+The young gentleman met the judge next at the Lord-Lieutenant's
+levee in the Castle. Instead of avoiding
+the Chief Justice, the scion of nobility boldly said, "I
+have recently married, and have come here to enable
+me to present my bride at the Drawing-Room."&mdash;"Quite
+right to mind the Scripture. Better marry
+than burn," retorted Lord Norbury.</p>
+
+<p>A barrister once pressed him to non-suit the plaintiff
+in a case; but his lordship decided to let it go to a
+jury trial. "I do believe," said the disappointed advocate,
+"your lordship has not the <i>courage to non-suit</i>."&mdash;"You
+say, sir," replied the irate judge, "you don't
+believe I'd have the courage to non-suit. I tell you I
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span>have courage to <i>shoot</i> and to <i>non-shoot</i>, but I'll not
+non-suit for you." This same counsel was once horsewhipped
+by an army officer at Nelson's Pillar in Sackville
+Street, and applied for a Criminal Information
+against his assailant. "Certainly he shall have it,"
+said the witty judge. "The Court is bound to give
+protection to any one who has <i>bled under the gallant
+Nelson</i>."</p>
+
+<p>On a motion before this judge, a sheriff's officer,
+who had the hardihood to serve a process in Connemara,
+where the king's writ <i>did not run</i>, swore that
+the natives made him eat and swallow both copy and
+original. Norbury, affecting great disgust, exclaimed:
+"Jackson, Jackson, I hope it's not made returnable into
+this Court."</p>
+
+<p>While giving a judgment on a writ of right, Lord
+Norbury observed that it was not sufficient for a demandant
+to say he "claimed by descent." "Such an
+answer," he continued, "would be a shrewd one for a
+sweep, who got into your house by coming down the
+chimney; and it would be an easy, as well as a sweeping,
+way of getting in."</p>
+
+<p>His lordship was attacked by a fit of gout when on
+Circuit, and sent to the Solicitor-General requesting
+the loan of a pair of large slippers. "Take them," said
+the Solicitor to the servant, "with my respects, and I
+hope soon to be in his lordship's shoes."</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span></p>
+<p>At the instigation of O'Connell, Lord Norbury was
+finally removed from the Bench. A flagrant case of
+partiality was brought to Lord Brougham's notice
+which exasperated Lord Norbury, and he is reported
+to have said, "I'll resign to demand satisfaction. That
+Scottish Broom wants to be made acquainted with an
+Irish stick."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Two notorious highwaymen were charged before
+Chief Baron O'Grady with robbery, and to the surprise
+of all the jury returned a verdict of not guilty.
+"Mr. Murphy," said the judge to the gaoler, "you will
+greatly ease my mind by keeping these two respectable
+gentlemen in custody until seven o'clock. I leave for
+Dublin at five, and I should like to have at least two
+hours' start of them." There is also the story of a barrister
+who made an eloquent speech and got his client
+off, but he was very anxious to know whether the prisoner
+was guilty or not. "Well, sir," said the man when
+applied to, "to tell the truth I thought I was guilty until
+I heard you speak, and then I didn't see how I could
+be." This at once recalls an old story. "Prisoner, I
+understand you confess your guilt," said the judge.
+"No, I don't," said the prisoner. "My counsel has convinced
+me of my innocence."</p>
+
+<p>On hearing that some spendthrift barristers, friends
+of his, were appointed to be Commissioners of Insolv<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span>ent
+Debtors the Chief Baron remarked, "At all events,
+the insolvents can't complain of not being tried by
+their peers." It was the same judge who caustically
+observed, after a long and dull legal argument: "I
+agree with my brother J&mdash;&mdash;, for the reasons given by
+my brother M&mdash;&mdash;." A prisoner once was given a
+practical specimen of his lordship's wit, and must have
+been rather distressed by it. He was passing sentence
+upon a pickpocket, and ordering a punishment common
+at that time. "You will be whipped from North
+Gate to South Gate," said the judge. "Bad luck to you,
+you old blackguard," said the prisoner. "&mdash;And back
+again," said the Chief Baron, as if he had been interrupted
+in the delivery of the sentence.</p>
+
+<p>A cause of much celebrity was tried at a county Assize,
+at which Chief Baron O'Grady presided. Bushe,
+then a K.C., who held a brief for the defence, was
+pleading the cause of his client with much eloquence,
+when a donkey in the courtyard outside set up a loud
+bray. "One at a time, brother Bushe!" called out
+his lordship. Peals of laughter filled the Court. The
+counsel bore the interruption as best he could. The
+judge was proceeding to sum up with his usual ability:
+the donkey again began to bray. "I beg your lordship's
+pardon," said Bushe, putting his hand to his
+ear; "but there is such an echo in the Court that I can't
+hear a word you say."</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span></p>
+<p>In his charges to juries, O'Grady frequently made
+some quaint remarks. There was a Kerry case in
+which a number of men were indicted for riot and assault.
+Several of them bore the familiar names of
+O'Donoghue, Moriarty, Duggan, &amp;c., while among the
+jurymen these names were also found. Well knowing
+that consanguinity was prevalent in the district, the
+judge began his address to the jury with the significant
+remark: "Of course, gentlemen, you will acquit
+your own relatives." In another case of larceny of
+pantaloons which was clearly proved, but in which
+the thief got a good character for honesty, he began:
+"Gentlemen, the prisoner was an honest boy, but he
+stole the pantaloons."</p>
+
+<p>"I merely wish to address your lordship on the form
+of the indictment, if your lordship pleases," said a
+young barrister to the Chief Baron. "Oh, certainly, I
+will hear you with mighty great pleasure, sir; but I'll
+be after taking the verdict of the jury first," was the
+sarcastic reply.</p>
+
+<p>The brother of Chief Baron O'Grady once caught a
+boy stealing turnips from one of his fields and asked
+his lordship if the culprit could be prosecuted under
+the Timber Acts. "No," said the Chief Baron, "unless
+you can prove that your turnips are sticky."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Yelverton, first Baron Avonmore, possessed re<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span>markable
+rhetorical ability and a highly cultivated
+mind. He rose rapidly at the Bar, until he became Chief
+Baron of Exchequer. He was the founder of the convivial
+order of St. Patrick, called "The Monks of the
+Screw," of which Curran, who wrote its charter song,
+was Prior. Avonmore was a man of warm and benevolent
+feelings, which he gave vent to in an equal degree
+in private life, in the senate, and on the Bench.</p>
+
+<p>Before giving an anecdote of Lord Avonmore it may
+interest readers, especially English and Scottish, to
+quote here the charter song of this famous Irish convivial
+club of the eighteenth century.</p>
+
+<div class="poetryblock">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">THE CHARTER SONG OF THE<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">MONKS OF THE SCREW<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">When St. Patrick this order establish'd,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He called us the "Monks of the Screw"!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Good rules he reveal'd to our Abbot,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To guide us in what we should do.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But first he replenish'd our fountain,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With liquor the best in the sky;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And he swore on the word of a saint<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That the fountain should never run dry.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Each year when your octaves approach,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In full chapter convened let me find you,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And when to the convent you come<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Leave your favourite temptation behind you;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And be not a glass in your convent,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Unless on a festival found;<br /></span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span><span class="i0">And this rule to enforce I ordain it,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Our festival all the year round.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">My brethren, be chaste till you're tempted;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">While sober be grave and discreet;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And humble your bodies with fasting,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">As oft as you've nothing to eat.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Yet, in honour of fasting, one lean face<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Among you I'll always require,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">If the Abbot should please he may wear it&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">If not, let it come to the Prior.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+</div>
+
+<p>The last two lines hit off the appearance of the Abbot,
+a Mr. Doyle, and of the Prior, J. P. Curran. The
+former was a big burly man with a fat, jovial face, while
+Curran was a short and particularly spare man whose
+"lean face" always attracted attention.</p>
+
+<p>On a Lent Circuit, one of the Assize towns happened
+to be a place, of which one of Lord Avonmore's
+college contemporaries held a living: at his own request,
+the Chief Baron's reverend friend preached the
+Assize sermon. The time being the month of March
+the weather was cold, the judge was chilled, and unhappily
+the sermon was long, and the preacher tedious.
+After the discourse was over, the preacher descended
+from the pulpit and approached the judge, smirking
+and smiling, looking fully satisfied with his own exertions,
+and expecting to receive the compliments and
+congratulations of his quondam chum. "Well, my
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span>lord," he asked, "and how did you like the sermon?"&mdash;"Oh!
+most wonderfully," replied Avonmore. "It was
+like the peace of God&mdash;it passed all understanding;
+and&mdash;like his mercy&mdash;I thought it would have endured
+for ever."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>When Plunket was at the Bar his great friend and
+rival was C. K. Bushe. The former was Attorney-General
+at the same time as the latter was Solicitor-General,
+and it caused him much dissatisfaction when
+Plunket learned that on a change of Government
+Solicitor-General Bushe had not followed his example
+and resigned office. At the time this occurred both
+barristers happened to be engaged in a case at which,
+when it was called, Bushe only appeared. On the judge
+inquiring of Mr. Bushe if he knew the reason of Mr.
+Plunket's absence his friend jocosely remarked, "I
+suppose, my lord, he is Cabinet-making." This pleasantry,
+at his expense, was told to Plunket by a friend,
+when he arrived in Court, on which, turning to the
+judge, the ex-Attorney-General proudly said, "I assure
+your lordship I am not so well qualified for Cabinet-making
+as my learned friend. I never was either a
+<i>turner</i> or a <i>joiner</i>."</p>
+
+<p>Two eminent Irish astronomers differed in an argument
+on the parallax of a lyr&aelig;&mdash;the one maintaining
+that it was three seconds, and the other that it was
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span>only two seconds. On being told of this discussion,
+and that the astronomers parted without arriving at
+an agreement, Plunket quietly remarked: "It must
+be a very serious quarrel indeed, when even the seconds
+cannot agree."</p>
+
+<p>Once applying the common expression to accommodation
+bills of exchange, that they were <i>mere kites</i>,
+the judge, an English Chancellor, said "he never heard
+that expression applied before to any but the kites of
+boys."&mdash;"Oh," replied Plunket, "that's the difference
+between kites in England and in Ireland. In England
+the wind raises the kite, but in Ireland the kite raises
+the wind."</p>
+
+<p>Everybody (says Phillips) knew how acutely Plunket
+felt his forced resignation of the chancellorship,
+and his being superseded by Lord Campbell. A violent
+storm arose on the day of Campbell's expected arrival,
+and a friend remarking to Plunket how sick of his promotion
+the passage must have made the new Chancellor:
+"Yes," said the former, ruefully, "but it won't
+make him throw up the seals."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Mr. Frankfort Moore, in his <i>Journalist's Notebook</i>,
+relates how Justice Lawson summed up in the case of
+a man who was charged with stealing a pig. The evidence
+of the theft was quite conclusive, and, in fact,
+was not combated; but the prisoner called the priests
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</a></span>and neighbours to attest to his good character. "Gentlemen
+of the jury," said the judge, "I think that the
+only conclusion you can arrive at is, that the pig was
+stolen by the prisoner, and that he is the most amiable
+man in the country."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_FOUR" id="CHAPTER_FOUR"></a>CHAPTER FOUR<br />
+THE BARRISTERS OF IRELAND</h2>
+
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"'Men that hire out their words and anger'; that are more or less
+passionate according as they are paid for it, and allow their client
+a quantity of wrath proportionable to the fee which they receive
+from him."</p>
+
+<p>
+<span class="smcap">Addison</span>: <i>The Spectator</i>.<br />
+</p></div><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>CHAPTER FOUR<br />
+THE BARRISTERS OF IRELAND</h2>
+
+
+<p>The Irish counsel like the occupants
+of the Bench were, in early times, eminent for their jolly
+carousing. Once, about 1687, a heavy argument coming
+on before Lord Chancellor Fitton, Mr. Nagle, the solicitor,
+retained Sir Toby Butler as counsel, who entered
+into a bargain that he would not drink a drop of wine
+while the case was at hearing. This bargain reached
+the ears of the Chancellor, who asked Sir Toby if it was
+true that such a compact had been made. The counsel
+said it was true, and the bargain had been rigidly
+kept; but on further inquiry he admitted that as he had
+only promised not to <i>drink</i> a <i>drop</i> of wine, he felt he
+must have some stimulant. So he got a basin, into
+which he poured two bottles of claret, and then got
+two hot rolls of bread, sopped them in the claret and
+ate them. "I see," replied the Chancellor; "in truth,
+Sir Toby, you deserve to be master of the rolls!"</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 291px;">
+<a name="john_curran" id="john_curran"></a>
+<img src="images/john_curran.jpg" width="291" height="390" alt="JOHN P. CURRAN, MASTER OF ROLLS." title="" />
+<span class="caption">JOHN P. CURRAN, MASTER OF ROLLS.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>One naturally turns to Curran for a selection of the
+witty sayings of the Irish Bar, and abundantly he supplies
+them, although in these days many of his jests
+may be considered as in somewhat doubtful taste.
+Phillips tells us he remembered Curran once&mdash;in an
+action for breach of promise of marriage, in which he
+was counsel for the defendant, a young clergyman&mdash;thus
+appealing to the jury: "Gentlemen, I entreat you
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</a></span>not to ruin this young man by a vindictive verdict;
+for <i>though</i> he has talents, and is in the Church, <i>he may
+rise</i>!"</p>
+
+<p>After his college career Curran went to London
+to study for the Bar. His circumstances were often
+straitened, and at times so much so that he had to
+pass the day without dinner. But under such depressing
+circumstances his high spirits never forsook him.
+One day he was sitting in St. James's Park merrily
+whistling a tune when a gentleman passed, who, struck
+by the youth's melancholy appearance while, at the
+same time, he whistled a lively air, asked how he
+"came to be sitting there whistling while other people
+were at dinner." Curran replied, "I would have been
+at dinner too, but a trifling circumstance&mdash;delay in remittances&mdash;obliges
+me to dine on an Irish tune." The
+result was that Curran was invited to dine with the
+stranger, and years afterwards, when he had become
+famous, he recalled the incident to his entertainer&mdash;Macklin,
+the celebrated actor&mdash;with the assurance,
+"You never acted better in your life."</p>
+
+<p>From Phillips again we have Curran's retort upon
+an Irish judge, who was quite as remarkable for his
+good humour and raillery as for his legal researches.
+Curran was addressing a jury on one of the State trials
+in 1803 with his usual animation. The judge, whose
+political bias, if any judge can have one, was certainly
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</a></span>supposed not to be favourable to the prisoner, shook
+his head in doubt or denial of one of the advocate's
+arguments. "I see, gentlemen," said Curran, "I see
+the motion of his lordship's head; common observers
+might imagine that implied a difference of opinion, but
+they would be mistaken; it is merely accidental. Believe
+me, gentlemen, if you remain here many days, you
+will yourselves perceive that when his lordship shakes
+his head, there's <i>nothing in it</i>!"</p>
+
+<p>Curran was one day engaged in a case in which he
+had for a junior a remarkably tall and slender gentleman,
+who had been originally intended to take orders.
+The judge observing that the case under discussion
+involved a question of ecclesiastical law, Curran interposed
+with: "I refer your lordship to a high authority
+behind me, who was once intended for the Church,
+though in my opinion he was fitter for the steeple."</p>
+
+<p>He was one day walking with a friend, who, hearing
+a person say "curosity" for "curiosity," exclaimed:
+"How that man murders the English language!"&mdash;"Not
+so bad as that," replied Curran. "He has only knocked
+an 'i' out."</p>
+
+<p>Curran never joined the hunt, except once, not far
+from Dublin. His horse joined very keenly in the sport,
+but the horseman was inwardly hoping all the while
+that the dogs would not find. In the midst of his career,
+the hounds broke into a potato field of a wealthy land<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</a></span>-agent,
+who happened to have been severely cross-examined
+by Curran some days before. The fellow came
+up patronisingly and said, "Oh sure, you are Counsellor
+Curran, the great lawyer. Now then, Mr. Lawyer,
+can you tell me by what law you are trespassing
+on my ground?"&mdash;"By what law, did you ask, Mr.
+Maloney?" replied Curran. "It must be the <i>Lex Tally-ho-nis</i>,
+to be sure."</p>
+
+<p>During one of the Circuits, Curran was dining with
+a brother advocate at a small inn kept by a worthy
+woman known by the Christian name of Honoria, or,
+as it is generally called, Honor. The gentlemen were
+so pleased with their entertainment that they summoned
+Honor to receive their compliments and drink
+a glass of wine with them. She attended at once, and
+Curran after a brief eulogium on the dinner filled a
+glass, and handing it to the landlady proposed as a
+toast "Honor and Honesty," to which the lady with
+an arch smile added, "Our absent friends," drank off
+her amended toast and withdrew.</p>
+
+<p>He happened one day to have for his companion in
+a stage-coach a very vulgar and revolting old woman,
+who seemed to have been encrusted with a prejudice
+against Ireland and all its inhabitants. Curran sat
+chafing in silence in his corner. At last, suddenly, a
+number of cows, with their tails and heads in the air,
+kept rushing up and down the road in alarming prox<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</a></span>imity
+to the coach windows. The old woman manifestly
+was but ill at ease. At last, unable to restrain her terror,
+she faltered out, "Oh dear; oh dear, sir! what can the
+cows mean?"&mdash;"Faith, my good woman," replied Curran,
+"as there's an Irishman in the coach, I shouldn't
+wonder if they were on the outlook for <i>a bull</i>!"</p>
+
+<p>Curran was once asked what an Irish gentleman,
+just arrived in England, could mean by perpetually
+putting out his tongue. "I suppose," replied the wit,
+"he's trying <i>to catch the English accent</i>."</p>
+
+<p>During the temporary separation of Lord Avonmore
+and Curran, Egan espoused the judge's imaginary
+quarrel so bitterly that a duel was the consequence.
+The parties met, and on the ground Egan complained
+that the disparity in their sizes gave his antagonist a
+manifest advantage. "I might as well fire at a razor's
+edge as at him," said Egan, "and he may hit me as
+easily as a turf-stack."&mdash;"I'll tell you what, Mr. Egan,"
+replied Curran; "I wish to take no advantage of you&mdash;let
+my <i>size</i> be <i>chalked</i> out upon your side, and I am
+quite content that every shot which hits outside that
+mark should <i>go for nothing</i>." And in another duel, in
+which his opponent was a major who had taken
+offence at some remark the eminent counsel had made
+about him in Court, the major asked Curran to fire
+first. "No," replied Curran, "I am here on your invitation,
+so you must <i>open the ball</i>."</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</a></span></p>
+<p>Sir Thomas Furton, who was a respectable speaker,
+but certainly nothing more, affected once to discuss the
+subject of eloquence with Curran, assuming an equality
+by no means palatable to the latter. Curran happening
+to mention, as a peculiarity of his, that he could
+not speak above a quarter of an hour without requiring
+something to moisten his lips, Sir Thomas, pursuing
+his comparisons, declared <i>he</i> had the advantage
+in that respect. "I spoke," said he, "the other night in
+the Commons for five hours on the Nabob of Oude,
+and never felt in the least thirsty."&mdash;"It is very remarkable,
+indeed," replied Curran, "for everyone agrees
+that was the <i>driest</i> speech of the session."</p>
+
+<p>Lord Clare (says Mr. Hayward) had a favourite dog
+which was permitted to follow him to the Bench. One
+day, during an argument of Curran's, the Chancellor
+turned aside and began to fondle the dog, with the
+obvious view of intimating inattention or disregard.
+The counsel stopped; the judge looked up: "I beg your
+pardon," continued Curran, "I thought your lordship
+had been in consultation."</p>
+
+<p>Curran often raised a laugh at Lord Norbury's expense.
+The laws, at that period, made capital punishment
+so general that nearly all crimes were punishable
+with death by the rope. It was remarked Lord Norbury
+never hesitated to condemn the convicted prisoner
+to the gallows. Dining in company with Curran,
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</a></span>who was carving some corned beef, Lord Norbury inquired,
+"Is that hung beef, Mr. Curran?"&mdash;"Not yet,
+my lord," was the reply; "you have not <i>tried</i> it."</p>
+
+<p>"A doldrum, Mr. Curran! What does the witness
+mean by saying you put him in a doldrum?" asked
+Lord Avonmore. "Oh, my lord, it is a very common
+complaint with persons of this description; it's merely
+a confusion of the head arising from a corruption of
+the heart."</p>
+
+<p>Angered one day in debate, he put his hand on his
+heart, saying, "I am the trusty guardian of my own
+honour."&mdash;"Then," replied Sir Boyle Roche, "I congratulate
+my honourable friend in the snug little sinecure
+to which he has appointed himself."</p>
+
+<p>But on one occasion he met his match in a pert,
+jolly, keen-eyed son of Erin, who was up as a witness
+in a case of dispute in the matter of a horse deal. Curran
+was anxious to break down the credibility of this
+witness, and thought to do it by making the man contradict
+himself&mdash;by tangling him up in a network of
+adroitly framed questions&mdash;but to no avail. The ostler's
+good common sense, and his equanimity and good
+nature, were not to be upset. Presently, Curran, in a
+towering rage, thundered forth, as no other counsel
+would have dared to do in the presence of the Court:
+"Sir, you are incorrigible! The truth is not to be got
+from you, for it is not in you. I see the villain in your
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</a></span>face!"&mdash;"Faith, yer honour," replied the witness, with
+the utmost simplicity of truth and honesty, "my face
+must be moighty clane and shinin' indade, if it can reflect
+like that." For once in his life the great barrister
+was floored by a simple witness. He could not recover
+from that repartee, and the case went against him.</p>
+
+<p>When Curran heard that there was a likelihood of
+trouble for the part he took in 1798, and that in all
+probability he would be deprived of the rank of Q.C.,
+he remarked: "They may take away the <i>silk</i>, but they
+leave the <i>stuff</i> behind."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>"Bully" Egan had a great muscular figure, as may be
+guessed from the story of the duel with Curran. To
+his bulk he added a stentorian voice, which he freely
+used in Nisi Prius practice to browbeat opposing
+counsel and witnesses, and through which he acquired
+his <i>sobriquet</i>. On one occasion his opponent was a
+dark-visaged barrister who had made out a good case
+for his client. Egan, in the course of an eloquent address,
+begged the jury not to be carried away by the
+"dark oblivion of a brow."&mdash;"What do you mean by
+using such balderdash?" said a friend. "It may be
+balderdash," replied Egan, "but depend upon it, it
+will do very well for that jury." On another occasion
+he concluded a vituperative address by describing the
+defendant as "a most naufrageous ruffian."&mdash;"What
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</a></span>sort of a ruffian is that?" whispered his junior. "I have
+no idea," responded Egan, "but I think <i>it sounds well</i>."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>H. D. Grady was a strong supporter, in the Irish
+Parliament, of the Union of Great Britain and Ireland,
+although he represented a constituency strongly opposed
+to it; and he did not conceal the fact that the
+Government had made it worth his while to support
+them. "What!" exclaimed one of his constituents
+who remonstrated with him; "do you mean to sell your
+country?"&mdash;"Thank God," cried this patriot, "I have
+a country to sell."</p>
+
+<p>For his Court work this anti-Nationalist barrister
+had what he called his "jury-eye." When he wanted
+a jury to note a particular point he kept winking his
+right eye at them. Entering the Court one day looking
+very depressed, a sympathetic friend asked if he was
+quite well, adding, "You are not so lively as usual."&mdash;"How
+can I be," replied Grady, "my jury-eye is out of
+order."</p>
+
+<p>He was examining a foreign sailor at Cork Assizes.
+"You are a Swede, I believe?"&mdash;"No, I am not."&mdash;"What
+are you then?"&mdash;"I am a Dane." Grady turned
+to the jury, "Gentlemen, you hear the equivocating
+scoundrel. <i>Go down, sir!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>Judge Boyd who, according to O'Connell, was guilty
+of sipping his wine through a peculiarly made tube
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</a></span>from a metal inkstand, to which we have already referred,
+one day presided at a trial where a witness was
+charged with being intoxicated at the time he was
+speaking about. Mr. Harry Grady laboured hard to
+show that the man had been sober. Judge Boyd at
+once interposed and said: "Come now, my good man,
+it is a very important consideration; tell the Court
+truly, were you drunk or were you sober upon that
+occasion?"&mdash;"Oh, quite sober, my Lord." Grady added,
+with a significant look at the <i>inkstand</i>, "As sober
+as a judge!"</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Mr. Bethell, a barrister at the time of the Union of
+Ireland and Great Britain, like many of his brethren,
+published a pamphlet on that much-vexed subject. Mr.
+Lysaght, meeting him, said: "Bethell, you never told
+me you had published a pamphlet on the Union. The
+one I saw contained some of the best things I have
+ever seen in any of these publications."&mdash;"I am proud
+you think so," rejoined the other eagerly. "Pray what
+was the thing that pleased you so much?"&mdash;"Well,"
+replied Lysaght, "as I passed a pastry-cook's shop this
+morning, I saw a girl come out with three hot mince-pies
+wrapped up in one of your productions!"</p>
+
+<p>"Pleasant Ned Lysaght," as his familiar friends
+called him, meeting a Dublin banker one day offered
+himself as an assistant if there was a vacancy in the
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</a></span>bank's staff. "You, my dear Lysaght," said the banker;
+"what position could you fill?"&mdash;"Two," was the reply.
+"If you made me <i>cashier</i> for one day, I'll become
+<i>runner</i> the next."</p>
+
+<p>And it was Lysaght who made a neat pun on his
+host's name at a dinner party during the Munster Circuit.
+The gentleman, named Flatly, was in the habit
+of inviting members of the Bar to his house when the
+Court was held in Limerick. One evening the conversation
+turned upon matrimony, and surprise was expressed
+that their host still remained a bachelor. He
+confessed that he never had had the courage to propose
+to a young lady. "Depend upon it," said Lysaght,
+"if you ask any girl <i>boldly</i> she will not refuse you,
+<i>Flatly</i>."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>O'Flanagan, author of <i>The Lord Chancellors of Ireland</i>,
+writes of Holmes, an Irish barrister: "He made
+us laugh very much one day in the Queen's Bench.
+I was waiting for some case in which I was counsel,
+when the crier called, 'Pluck and Diggers,' and in came
+James Scott, Q.C., very red and heated, and, throwing
+his bag on the table within the bar, he said, 'My lords,
+I beg to assure your lordships I feel so exhausted I am
+quite unable to argue this case. I have been speaking
+for three hours in the Court of Exchequer, and I am
+quite tired; and pray excuse me, my lords, I must get
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</a></span>some refreshment.' The Chief Justice bowed, and said,
+'Certainly, Mr. Scott.' So that gentleman left the
+Court. 'Mr. Holmes, you are in this case,' said the
+Chief Justice; 'we'll be happy to hear you.'&mdash;'Really,
+my lord, I am very tired too,' said Mr. Holmes. 'Surely,'
+said the Chief Justice, 'you have not been speaking
+for three hours in the Court of Exchequer? What
+has tired you?'&mdash;'Listening to Mr. Scott,' was Holmes'
+sarcastic reply."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Although rivals in their profession, C. K. Bushe
+had a great admiration for Plunket's abilities, and
+would not listen to any disparagement of them. One
+day while Plunket was speaking at the Bar a friend
+said to Bushe, "Well, if it was not for the eloquence,
+I'd as soon listen to &mdash;&mdash;," who was a very prosy
+speaker. "No doubt," replied Bushe, "just as the Connaught
+man said, ''Pon my conscience if it was not for
+the malt and the hops, I'd as soon drink ditch water as
+porter.'"</p>
+
+<p>There is an impromptu of Bushe's upon two political
+agitators of the day who had declined an appeal to
+arms, one on account of his wife, the other from the
+affection in which he held his daughter:</p>
+
+<div class="poetryblock">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Two heroes of Erin, abhorrent of slaughter,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Improved on the Hebrew command&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">One honoured his wife, and the other his daughter,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That 'their' days might be long in 'the land.'"<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</a></span></p>
+<p>A young barrister once tried to raise a laugh at the
+Mess dinner at the expense of "Jerry Keller," a barrister
+who was prominent in social circles of Dublin,
+and whose cousin, a wine merchant, held the contract
+for supplying wine to the Mess cellar. "I have noticed,"
+said the junior, "that the claret bottles are
+growing smaller and smaller at each Assizes since
+your cousin became our wine merchant."&mdash;"Whist!"
+replied Jerry; "don't you be talking of what you know
+nothing about. It's quite natural the bottles should be
+growing smaller, because we all know <i>they shrink in
+the washing</i>."</p>
+
+<p>An ingenious expedient was devised to save a prisoner
+charged with robbery in the Criminal Court at
+Dublin. The principal thing that appeared in evidence
+against him was a confession, alleged to have been
+made by him at the police office. The document, purporting
+to contain this self-criminating acknowledgment,
+was produced by the officer, and the following
+passage was read from it:</p>
+
+<div class="poetryblock">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Mangan said he never robbed but twice<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Said it was Crawford."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+</div>
+
+<p>This, it will be observed, has no mark of the writer
+having any notion of punctuation, but the meaning attached
+to it was, that</p>
+
+<div class="poetryblock">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Mangan said he never robbed but twice.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0"><i>Said it was Crawford.</i>"<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</a></span></p>
+<p>Mr. O'Gorman, the counsel for the prisoner, begged
+to look at the paper. He perused it, and rather astonished
+the peace officer by asserting, that so far from
+its proving the man's guilt, it clearly established his
+innocence. "This," said the learned gentleman, "is the
+fair and obvious reading of the sentence:</p>
+
+<div class="poetryblock">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Mangan said he never robbed;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0"><i>But twice said it was Crawford</i>."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+</div>
+
+<p>This interpretation had its effect on the jury, and
+the man was acquitted.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>There were two barristers at the Irish Bar who
+formed a singular contrast in their stature&mdash;Ninian
+Mahaffy was as much above the middle size as Mr.
+Collis was below it. When Lord Redsdale was Lord
+Chancellor of Ireland these two gentlemen chanced
+to be retained in the same cause a short time after his
+lordship's elevation, and before he was personally acquainted
+with the Irish Bar. Mr. Collis was opening
+the motion, when the Lord Chancellor observed, "Mr.
+Collis, when a barrister addresses the Court, he must
+stand."&mdash;"I am standing on the bench, my lord," said
+Collis. "I beg a thousand pardons," said his lordship,
+somewhat confused. "Sit down, Mr. Mahaffy."&mdash;"I
+am sitting, my lord," was the reply to the confounded
+Chancellor.</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</a></span></p>
+<p>A barrister who was present on this occasion made
+it the subject of the following epigram:</p>
+
+<div class="poetryblock">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Mahaffy and Collis, ill-paired in a case,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Representatives true of the rattling size ace;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To the heights of the law, though I hope you will rise,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">You will never be judges I'm sure of a(s)size."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+</div>
+
+<p>A very able barrister, named Collins, had the reputation
+of occasionally involving his adversary in a legal
+net, and, by his superior subtlety, gaining his cause.
+On appearing in Court in a case with the eminent barrister,
+Mr. Pigot, Q.C., there arose a question as to who
+should be leader, Mr. Collins being the senior in standing
+at the Bar, Mr. Pigot being one of the Queen's
+Counsel. "I yield," said Mr. Collins; "my friend holds
+the honours."&mdash;"Faith, if he does, Stephen," observed
+Mr. Herrick, "'tis you have all the tricks."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 281px;">
+<a name="daniel_oconnell" id="daniel_oconnell"></a>
+<img src="images/daniel_oconnell.jpg" width="281" height="390" alt="DANIEL O&#39;CONNELL, &quot;THE LIBERATOR.&quot;" title="" />
+<span class="caption">DANIEL O&#39;CONNELL, &quot;THE LIBERATOR.&quot;</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>It is told by one of O'Connell's biographers that he
+never prepared his addresses to judges or juries&mdash;he
+trusted to the inspiration of the moment. He had at
+command humour and pathos, invective and argument;
+he was quick-witted and astonishingly ready in repartee,
+and he brought all these into play, as he found them
+serviceable in influencing the bench or the jury-box.</p>
+
+<p>Lord Manners, Lord Chancellor of Ireland, stopped
+several of the many counsels in a Chancery suit by saying
+he had made up his mind. He, in fact, lost his tem<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</a></span>per
+as each in succession rose, and he declined them
+in turn. At last O'Connell, one of the unheard counsel,
+began in his deepest and most emphatic tone: "Well
+then, my lord, since your lordship refuses to hear my
+learned friend, you will be pleased to hear <span class="smcap">ME</span>"; and
+then he plunged into the case, without waiting for any
+expression, assent or dissent, or allowing any interruption.
+On he went, discussing and distinguishing,
+and commenting and quoting, till he secured the attention
+of, and evidently was making an impression on,
+the unwilling judge. Every few minutes O'Connell
+would say: "Now, my lord, my learned young friend
+beside me, had your lordship heard him, would have
+informed your lordship in a more impressive and lucid
+manner than I can hope to do," etcetera, until he finished
+a masterly address. The Lord Chancellor next
+morning gave judgment in favour of O'Connell's client.</p>
+
+<p>He was engaged in a will case, the allegation being
+that the will was a forgery. The subscribing witness
+swore that the will had been signed by the deceased
+"while life was in him"&mdash;that being an expression derived
+from the Irish language, which peasants who
+have long ceased to speak Irish still retain. The evidence
+was strong in favour of the will, when O'Connell
+was struck by the persistency of the man, who always
+repeated the same words, "The life was in him."
+O'Connell asked: "On the virtue of your oath, was he
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</a></span>alive?"&mdash;"By the virtue of my oath, the life was in
+him."&mdash;"Now I call upon you in the presence of your
+Maker, who will one day pass sentence on you for this
+evidence, I solemnly ask&mdash;and answer me at your
+peril&mdash;was there not a live fly in the dead man's
+mouth when his hand was placed on the will?" The
+witness was taken aback at this question; he trembled,
+turned pale, and faltered out an abject confession that
+the counsellor was right; a fly had been introduced into
+the mouth of the dead man, to allow the witness to
+swear that "life was in him."</p>
+
+<p>O'Connell was defending John Connor on a charge
+of murder. The most incriminating evidence was the
+finding of the murderer's hat, left behind on the road.
+The all-important question was as to the identity of the
+hat as that of the accused man. A constable was prepared
+to swear to it. "You found this hat?" said O'Connell.
+"Yes."&mdash;"You examined it?"&mdash;"Yes."&mdash;"You
+know it to be the prisoner's property?"&mdash;"Yes."&mdash;"When
+you picked it up you saw it was damaged?"&mdash;"Yes."&mdash;"And
+looking inside you saw the prisoner's
+name, <span class="smcap">J-o-h-n C-o-n-n-o-r</span>?" (here he spelt out the
+name slowly). "Yes," was the answer. "There is no
+name inside at all, my lord," said O'Connell, and the
+prisoner was saved.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Explaining to a judge his absence from the Civil
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</a></span>Court at the time a case was heard, in which he should
+have appeared as counsel, O'Connell said he could
+not leave a client in the Criminal Court until the verdict
+was given. "What was it?" inquired the judge.
+"Acquitted," responded O'Connell. "Then you have
+got off a wretch who is not fit to live," said the judge.
+O'Connell, knowing his lordship to be a very religious
+man, at once replied: "I am sure you will agree with
+me that a man whom you regard as not fit to <i>live</i>
+would be still more <i>unfit</i> to die."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>There was a young barrister&mdash;a contemporary of
+O'Connell&mdash;named Parsons, who had a good deal of
+humour, and who hated the whole tribe of attorneys.
+Perhaps they had not treated him very well, but his
+prejudice against them was very constant and conspicuous.
+One day, in the Hall of the Four Courts,
+an attorney came up to him to beg a subscription towards
+burying a brother attorney who had died in distressed
+circumstances. Parsons took out a one-pound
+note and tendered it. "Oh, Mr. Parsons," said the applicant,
+"I do not want so much&mdash;I only ask a shilling
+from each contributor. I have limited myself to that,
+and I cannot really take more."&mdash;"Oh, take it, take it,"
+said Parsons; "for God's sake, my good sir, take the
+pound, and while you are at it bury twenty of them."</p>
+
+<p>There is a terseness in the following which seems to
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</a></span>be inimitable. Lord Norbury was travelling with Parsons;
+they passed a gibbet. "Parsons," said Norbury,
+with a chuckle, "where would <i>you</i> be now if every
+one had his due?"&mdash;"Alone in my carriage," replied
+Parsons.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Here is a young Irishman's first Bar-speech. "Your
+lordships perceive that we stand here as our grandmothers'
+administrators <i>de bonis non</i>; and really, my
+lords, it does strike me that it would be a monstrous
+thing to say that a party can now come in, in the very
+teeth of an Act of Parliament, and actually turn us
+round, under colour of hanging us up, on the foot of a
+contract made behind our backs."</p>
+
+<p>A learned Serjeant MacMahon was noted for his
+confusion of language in his efforts to be sublime. He
+cared less for the sense than the sound. As, for example:
+"Gentlemen of the jury, I smell a rat&mdash;but I'll nip
+it in the bud." And, "My client acted boldly. He saw
+the storm brewing in the distance, but he was not dismayed!
+He took the bull by the horns and he <i>indicted
+him for perjury</i>."</p>
+
+<p>Peter Burrowes, a well-known member of the Irish
+Bar, was on one occasion counsel for the prosecution
+at an important trial for murder. Burrowes had a severe
+cold, and opened his speech with a box of lozenges
+in one hand and in the other the small pistol bullet by
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</a></span>which the man had met his death. Between the pauses
+of his address he kept supplying himself with a lozenge.
+But at last, in the very middle of a 'high-falutin'
+period, he stopped. His legal chest heaved, his eyes
+seemed starting from his head, and in a voice tremulous
+with fright he exclaimed: "Oh! h-h!!! Gentlemen, gentlemen;
+I've swallowed the bul-let!"</p>
+
+<p>An Irish counsel who was once asked by the judge
+for whom he was "concerned," replied: "My lord, I am
+retained by the defendant, and therefore I am concerned
+for the plaintiff."</p>
+
+<p>A junior at the Bar in course of his speech began
+to use a simile of "the eagle soaring high above the
+mists of the earth, winning its daring flight against a
+midday sun till the contemplation becomes too dazzling
+for humanity, and mortal eyes gaze after it in
+vain." Here the orator was noticed to falter and lose
+the thread of his speech, and sat down after some vain
+attempts to regain it; the judge remarking: "The next
+time, sir, you bring an eagle into Court, I should recommend
+you to clip its wings."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Tim Healy's power of effective and stinging repartee
+is probably unexcelled. He is seldom at a loss
+for a retort, and there are not a few politicians and
+others who regret having been foolish enough to rouse
+his resentment. There is on record, however, an amusing
+interlude in the passing of which Tim was discom<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</a></span>fited&mdash;crushed,
+and found himself unable to "rise to
+the occasion."</p>
+
+<p>During the hearing of a case at the Recorder's Court
+in Dublin the Testament on which the witnesses were
+being sworn disappeared. After a lengthy hunt for it,
+counsel for the defendant noticed that Mr. Healy had
+taken possession of the book, and was deeply absorbed
+in its contents, and quite unconscious of the dismay its
+disappearance was causing.</p>
+
+<p>"I think, sir," said the counsel, addressing the Recorder,
+"that Mr. Healy has the Testament." Hearing
+his name mentioned, Mr. Healy looked up, realised
+what had occurred, and, with apologies, handed it over.</p>
+
+<p>"You see, sir," added the counsel, "Mr. Healy was
+so interested that he did not know of our loss. He took
+it for a new publication." For once Mr. Healy's nimble
+wit failed him, and forced him to submit to the humiliation
+of being scored off.</p>
+
+<p>In the North of Ireland the peasantry pronounce the
+word witness "wetness." At Derry Assizes a man
+said he had brought his "wetness" with him to corroborate
+his evidence. "Bless me," said the judge, "about
+what age are you?"&mdash;"Forty-two my last birthday, my
+lord," replied the witness. "Do you mean to tell the
+jury," said the judge, "that at your age you still have a
+wet nurse?"&mdash;"Of course I have, my lord." Counsel
+hereupon interposed and explained.</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</a></span></p>
+<p>The witness who gave the following valuable testimony,
+however, was probably keeping strictly to fact.
+"I sees Phelim on the top of the wall. 'Paddy,' he says.
+'What,' says I. 'Here,' says he. 'Where?' says I.
+'Hush,' says he. 'Whist,' says I. And that's all."</p>
+
+<p>The wit of the Irish Bar seems to infect even the officers
+of the Courts and the people who enter the witness-box.
+It is impossible, for example, not to admire
+the fine irony of the usher who, when he was told to
+clear the Court, called out: "All ye blaggards that are
+not lawyers lave the building."</p>
+
+<p>Irish judges have much greater difficulties to contend
+against, because the people with whom they have
+to deal have a fund of ready retort. "Sir," said an exasperated
+Irish judge to a witness who refused to answer
+the questions put to him&mdash;"sir, this is a contempt
+of Court."&mdash;"I know it, my lord, but I was endeavouring
+to concale it," was the irresistible reply.</p>
+
+<p>A certain Irish attorney threatening to prosecute a
+printer for inserting in his paper the death of a person
+still living, informed him that "No person should publish
+a death unless informed of the fact by the party
+deceased."</p>
+
+<p>A rather amusing story is told of a trial where one of
+the Irish jurymen had been "got at" and bribed to secure
+the jury agreeing to a verdict of "Manslaughter,"
+however much they might want to return one upon the
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</a></span>capital charge of "Murder." The jury were out for several
+hours, and it was believed that eventually the result
+would be that they would not agree upon a verdict
+at all. However, close upon midnight, they were starved
+into one, and it was that of "Manslaughter." Next day
+the particular juryman concerned received his promised
+reward, and in paying it, the man who had arranged
+it for him remarked: "I suppose you had a great deal of
+difficulty in getting the other jurymen to agree to a
+verdict of 'Manslaughter'?"&mdash;"I should just think I
+did," replied the man. "I had to knock it into them, for
+all the others&mdash;the whole eleven of them&mdash;wanted to
+acquit him."</p>
+
+<p>An Irish lawyer addressed the Court as <i>Gentlemen</i>
+instead of <i>Your Honours</i>. When he had concluded, a
+brother lawyer pointed out his error. He immediately
+rose and apologised thus: "In the heat of the debate I
+called your honours gentlemen,&mdash;I made a mistake,
+your honours."</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</a></span></p>
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_FIVE" id="CHAPTER_FIVE"></a>CHAPTER FIVE<br />
+THE JUDGES OF SCOTLAND</h2>
+
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="poetryblock">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Ye Barristers of England<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Your triumphs idle are,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Till ye can match the names that ring<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Round Caledonia's Bar.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Your <i>John Doe</i> and your Richard Roe<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Are but a paltry pair:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Look at those who compose<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">The flocks round Brodie's Stair,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Who ruminate on Shaw and Tait<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And flock round Brodie's Stair.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span style="margin-left: 3em;">*&nbsp;&nbsp;*&nbsp;&nbsp;*&nbsp;&nbsp;*&nbsp;&nbsp;*<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"But, Barristers of England,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Come to us lovingly,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And any Scot who greets you not<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">We'll send to Coventry.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Put past your brief, embark for Leith,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And when you've landed there,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Any wight with delight<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Will point out Brodie's Stair<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Or lead you all through Fountainhall<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Till you enter Brodie's Stair."<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Outram</span>: <i>Legal and other Lyrics</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>CHAPTER FIVE<br />
+THE JUDGES OF SCOTLAND</h2>
+
+
+
+
+<p>From the Institution of the Court
+of Session by James V of Scotland till well into the
+nineteenth century, it was the custom of Scottish judges
+when taking their seat on the Bench to assume a title
+from an estate&mdash;it might even be from a farm&mdash;already
+in their own or their family's possession. So we find
+that nearly every parish in Scotland has given birth to
+a judge who by this practice has made that parish or
+an estate in it more or less familiar to Scottish ears.
+Monboddo, near Fordoun, in Kincardineshire, at once
+recalls the judge who gave "attic suppers" in his
+house in St. John Street, Edinburgh, and held a theory
+that all infants were born with tails like monkeys; but
+under the modern practice of simply adding "Lord"
+to his surname of Burnet, we doubt if his eccentric
+personality would be so readily remembered. Lord
+Dirleton's <i>Doubts</i>, Lord Fountainhall's <i>Historical
+Observes</i>, carry a more imposing sound in their titles
+than if those one-time indispensable works of reference
+had been simply named Nisbet on Legal Doubts,
+and Lauder on Historical Observations of Memorable
+Events.</p>
+
+<p>The selection of a title was an important matter with
+these old judges. When Lauder was raised to the
+Bench, his estate to the south-east of Edinburgh was
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</a></span>called Woodhead; but it would never have done for
+a Senator of the College of Justice to be known as
+"Lord Woodhead," so the name of the estate was
+changed to Fountainhall, and as Lord Fountainhall he
+took his seat among "the Fifteen" as the full Bench
+of judges was then termed.</p>
+
+<p>These old-time judges with their rugged ferocity,
+corruption, and occasionally brave words and deeds,
+in a great measure present to us now a miniature history
+of Scotland in the seventeenth and eighteenth
+centuries. "Show me the man, and I will show you the
+law," one is reported to have said, meaning that the
+litigant with the longest purse was pretty certain to
+win his case in the long run. They delighted in long
+arguments, and highly appreciated bewilderment in
+pleadings; "Dinna be brief," cried one judge when an
+advocate modestly asked to be briefly heard in a case
+in which he appeared as junior counsel. But the tendency
+to delay cases in the old Courts stretched beyond
+all reasonable lengths and became a scandal to the
+country. It was not a question of a month or even a
+year. Years passed and still cases remained undecided,
+some even were passed on from one generation
+to another&mdash;a litigant by his will handing on his plea
+in the Court to his successor along with his estate.
+This protracted delay in deciding causes formed the
+subject of that highly amusing and characteristic skit
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</a></span>on the Scottish judges for which Boswell was largely
+responsible:<br /><br /></p>
+
+<div class="poetryblock">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">THE COURT OF SESSION GARLAND<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Part First</span><br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The Bill charged on was payable at sight<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And decree was craved by Alexander Wight;<a name="FNanchor_1_1" id="FNanchor_1_1"></a><a href="#Footnote_1_1" class="fnanchor">[1]</a><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But, because it bore a penalty in case of failzie<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">It therefore was null contended Willie Baillie.<a name="FNanchor_2_2" id="FNanchor_2_2"></a><a href="#Footnote_2_2" class="fnanchor">[2]</a><br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The Ordinary not chusing to judge it at random<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Did with the minutes make avizandum.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And as the pleadings were vague and windy<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">His Lordship ordered memorials <i>hinc inde</i>.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">We setting a stout heart to a stey brae<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Took into the cause Mr. David Rae:<a name="FNanchor_3_3" id="FNanchor_3_3"></a><a href="#Footnote_3_3" class="fnanchor">[3]</a><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Lord Auchenleck,<a name="FNanchor_4_4" id="FNanchor_4_4"></a><a href="#Footnote_4_4" class="fnanchor">[4]</a> however, repelled our defence,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And over and above decerned for expence.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">However of our cause not being asham'd,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Unto the whole Lords we straightway reclaim'd;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And our petition was appointed to be seen,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Because it was drawn by Robbie Macqueen.<a name="FNanchor_5_5" id="FNanchor_5_5"></a><a href="#Footnote_5_5" class="fnanchor">[5]</a><br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The answer of Lockhart<a name="FNanchor_6_6" id="FNanchor_6_6"></a><a href="#Footnote_6_6" class="fnanchor">[6]</a> himself it was wrote,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And in it no argument or fact was forgot;<br /></span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</a></span><span class="i0">He is the lawyer that from no cause will flinch,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And on this occasion divided the Bench.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Alemoor,<a name="FNanchor_7_7" id="FNanchor_7_7"></a><a href="#Footnote_7_7" class="fnanchor">[7]</a> the judgment as illegal blames,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Tis equity, you bitch, replies my Lord Kames;<a name="FNanchor_8_8" id="FNanchor_8_8"></a><a href="#Footnote_8_8" class="fnanchor">[8]</a><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">This cause, cries Hailes,<a name="FNanchor_9_9" id="FNanchor_9_9"></a><a href="#Footnote_9_9" class="fnanchor">[9]</a> to judge I can't pretend,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For Justice, I see, wants an <i>e</i> at the end.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Lord Coalston<a name="FNanchor_10_10" id="FNanchor_10_10"></a><a href="#Footnote_10_10" class="fnanchor">[10]</a> expressed his doubts and his fears,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And Strichen<a name="FNanchor_11_11" id="FNanchor_11_11"></a><a href="#Footnote_11_11" class="fnanchor">[11]</a> then in his weel weels and O dears;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">This cause much resembles that of M'Harg,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And should go the same way, says Lordy Barjarg.<a name="FNanchor_12_12" id="FNanchor_12_12"></a><a href="#Footnote_12_12" class="fnanchor">[12]</a><br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Let me tell you, my Lords, this cause is no joke;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Says with a horse laugh my Lord Elliock<a name="FNanchor_13_13" id="FNanchor_13_13"></a><a href="#Footnote_13_13" class="fnanchor">[13]</a><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To have read all the papers I pretend not to brag,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Says my Lord Gardenstone<a name="FNanchor_14_14" id="FNanchor_14_14"></a><a href="#Footnote_14_14" class="fnanchor">[14]</a> with a snuff and a wag.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Up rose the President,<a name="FNanchor_15_15" id="FNanchor_15_15"></a><a href="#Footnote_15_15" class="fnanchor">[15]</a> and an angry man was he,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To alter this judgment I never can agree;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The east wing said yes, and the west wing cried not,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And it carried ahere by my Lord's casting vote.<br /></span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</a></span></div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">This cause being somewhat knotty and perplext,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Their Lordships not knowing what they'd determine next;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And as the session was to rise so soon,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">They superseded extract till the 12th of June.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Part Second</span><br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Having lost it, so now we prepare for the summer,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And on the 12th of June presented a reclaimer;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But dreading a refuse, we gave Dundas<a name="FNanchor_16_16" id="FNanchor_16_16"></a><a href="#Footnote_16_16" class="fnanchor">[16]</a> a fee,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And though it run nigh it was carried to see.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">In order to bring aid from usage beyond,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The answers were drawn by quondam Mess John;<a name="FNanchor_17_17" id="FNanchor_17_17"></a><a href="#Footnote_17_17" class="fnanchor">[17]</a><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He united with such art our law the civil,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That the counsel, on both sides, would have seen him to the devil.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The cause being called, my Lord Justice-Clerk,<a name="FNanchor_18_18" id="FNanchor_18_18"></a><a href="#Footnote_18_18" class="fnanchor">[18]</a><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With all due respect, began a loud bark;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He appeal'd to his conscience, his heart, and from thence,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Concluded to alter, but give no expence.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Lord Stonefield,<a name="FNanchor_19_19" id="FNanchor_19_19"></a><a href="#Footnote_19_19" class="fnanchor">[19]</a> unwilling his judgment to podder,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Or to be precipitate agreed with his brother;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But Monboddo<a name="FNanchor_20_20" id="FNanchor_20_20"></a><a href="#Footnote_20_20" class="fnanchor">[20]</a> was clear the bill to enforce,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Because, he observed, 'twas the price of a horse.<br /></span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</a></span></div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Says Pitfour<a name="FNanchor_21_21" id="FNanchor_21_21"></a><a href="#Footnote_21_21" class="fnanchor">[21]</a> with a wink and his hat all agee,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I remember a case in the year twenty-three,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The magistrates of Banff contra Robert Carr,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I remember well, I was then at the Bar.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Likewise, my Lords, in the case of Peter Caw,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0"><i>Superflua non nocent</i> was found to be law:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Lord Kennet<a name="FNanchor_22_22" id="FNanchor_22_22"></a><a href="#Footnote_22_22" class="fnanchor">[22]</a> also quoted the case of one Lithgow<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Where a penalty in a bill was held <i>pro non scripto</i>.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Lord President brought his chair to the plum,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Laid hold of the bench and brought forward his bum;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In these answers, my Lords, some freedoms have been used,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Which I could point out, provided I chus'd.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">I was for this interlocutor, my Lords, I admit,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But am open to conviction as long's I here do sit;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To oppose your precedents I quote you some clauses,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But Tait<a name="FNanchor_23_23" id="FNanchor_23_23"></a><a href="#Footnote_23_23" class="fnanchor">[23]</a> <i>a priori</i> hurried up the causes.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">He prov'd it as clear as the sun in the sky<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That the maxims of law could not here apply,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That the writing in question was neither bill nor band<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But something unknown in the law of the land.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The question adhere or alter being put,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">It carried to alter by a casting vote:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Baillie then mov'd.&mdash;In the bill there's a raze,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But by that time their Lordships had called a new case.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+</div></div>
+</div>
+
+<div class="footnotes"><h3>FOOTNOTES:</h3>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_1_1" id="Footnote_1_1"></a><a href="#FNanchor_1_1"><span class="label">[1]</span></a> Wight: a well-known advocate of the period.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_2_2" id="Footnote_2_2"></a><a href="#FNanchor_2_2"><span class="label">[2]</span></a> Baillie: Lord Palkemmet.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_3_3" id="Footnote_3_3"></a><a href="#FNanchor_3_3"><span class="label">[3]</span></a> Afterwards Lord Eskgrove.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_4_4" id="Footnote_4_4"></a><a href="#FNanchor_4_4"><span class="label">[4]</span></a> The father of James Boswell.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_5_5" id="Footnote_5_5"></a><a href="#FNanchor_5_5"><span class="label">[5]</span></a> Afterwards Lord Braxfield.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_6_6" id="Footnote_6_6"></a><a href="#FNanchor_6_6"><span class="label">[6]</span></a> Lord Covington.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_7_7" id="Footnote_7_7"></a><a href="#FNanchor_7_7"><span class="label">[7]</span></a> Andrew Pringle.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_8_8" id="Footnote_8_8"></a><a href="#FNanchor_8_8"><span class="label">[8]</span></a> Henry Home, who was notorious for the use of the epithet in
+the text.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_9_9" id="Footnote_9_9"></a><a href="#FNanchor_9_9"><span class="label">[9]</span></a> Sir David Dalrymple, author of the <i>Annals of Scotland</i>.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_10_10" id="Footnote_10_10"></a><a href="#FNanchor_10_10"><span class="label">[10]</span></a> George Brown of Coalston.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_11_11" id="Footnote_11_11"></a><a href="#FNanchor_11_11"><span class="label">[11]</span></a> Alexander Fraser of Strichen.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_12_12" id="Footnote_12_12"></a><a href="#FNanchor_12_12"><span class="label">[12]</span></a> James Erskine, who changed his title to Lord Alva.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_13_13" id="Footnote_13_13"></a><a href="#FNanchor_13_13"><span class="label">[13]</span></a> James Veitch.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_14_14" id="Footnote_14_14"></a><a href="#FNanchor_14_14"><span class="label">[14]</span></a> Francis Garden, who founded the town of Laurencekirk in
+Kincardineshire.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_15_15" id="Footnote_15_15"></a><a href="#FNanchor_15_15"><span class="label">[15]</span></a> Robert Dundas, first Lord President of that name.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_16_16" id="Footnote_16_16"></a><a href="#FNanchor_16_16"><span class="label">[16]</span></a> Henry, first Viscount Melville, the friend of Pitt.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_17_17" id="Footnote_17_17"></a><a href="#FNanchor_17_17"><span class="label">[17]</span></a> A nickname for John Erskine of Carnoch.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_18_18" id="Footnote_18_18"></a><a href="#FNanchor_18_18"><span class="label">[18]</span></a> Sir Thomas Miller of Glenlee.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_19_19" id="Footnote_19_19"></a><a href="#FNanchor_19_19"><span class="label">[19]</span></a> John Campbell, raised to the Bench in 1796.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_20_20" id="Footnote_20_20"></a><a href="#FNanchor_20_20"><span class="label">[20]</span></a> Jas. Burnet of Monboddo, who had a theory that human beings
+were born with tails.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_21_21" id="Footnote_21_21"></a><a href="#FNanchor_21_21"><span class="label">[21]</span></a> James Ferguson of Pitfour. Owing to weak eyesight he wore his
+hat on the Bench.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_22_22" id="Footnote_22_22"></a><a href="#FNanchor_22_22"><span class="label">[22]</span></a> Robert Bruce of Kennet.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_23_23" id="Footnote_23_23"></a><a href="#FNanchor_23_23"><span class="label">[23]</span></a> Clerk of Session.</p></div></div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><br />It was the first Lord Meadowbank, who wearying of
+the dry statement of a case made by Mr. Thomas W.
+Blair, broke in with the remark: "Declaim, sir! why
+don't you declaim? Speak to me as if I were a popular
+assembly."</p>
+
+<p>In the reign of Queen Anne there was an old Scottish
+judge&mdash;Lord Dun&mdash;who was particularly distinguished
+for his piety. Thomas Coutts, the founder of
+the bank now so well known, used to relate of him that
+when a difficult case came before him, as Lord Ordinary,
+he used to say, "Eh, Lord, what am I to do? Eh,
+sirs, I wish you would make it up!" Of another judge
+of much the same period, also noted for his strict observance
+of religious ordinances; but who, at the same
+time, did not allow these to interfere with his social
+habits, it is related that every Saturday evening he had
+with him his niece, who afterwards married a more
+famous Scottish judge, Andrew Fletcher, Lord Milton,
+Charles Ross who made himself prominent in the "45"
+Rebellion, and David Reid, his clerk. The judge had
+what was, and in some parts of Scotland still is, known
+as "the exercise," which consisted of the reading of a
+chapter from the Bible, and his form of announcing the
+evening devotions was: "Betsy (his niece), ye hae a
+sweet voice, lift ye up a psalm; Charles, ye hae a gey
+strong voice, read the chapter; and David, fire ye the
+plate." Firing the plate consisted of a dish of brandy
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</a></span>prepared for the company, of which David took charge,
+and while the first part of the proceedings were in
+progress David lighted the brandy, which when he
+thought it burnt to his master's taste he blew out, and
+this was the signal for the others to stop, while the
+whole company partook of the burnt brandy. This same
+judge&mdash;Lord Forglen&mdash;was walking one day with Lord
+Newhall, in the latter's grounds. Lord Newhall was
+a grave and austere man, while, as may be gathered,
+Lord Forglen was a medley of curious elements. As
+they passed a picturesque bend of a river Lord Forglen
+exclaimed: "Now, my lord, this is a fine walk. If
+ye want to pray to God, can there be a better place?
+If ye want to kiss a bonny lass, can there be a better
+place?"</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 291px;">
+<a name="lord_eskgrove" id="lord_eskgrove"></a>
+<img src="images/lord_eskgrove.jpg" width="291" height="390" alt="SIR DAVID RAE, LORD ESKGROVE." title="" />
+<span class="caption">SIR DAVID RAE, LORD ESKGROVE.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Sir David Rae (Lord Eskgrove), Lord Justice-Clerk
+of Scotland, has been described as a ludicrous person
+about whom people seemed to have nothing else to do
+but tell stories. Sir Walter Scott imitated perfectly
+his slow manner of speech and peculiar pronunciation,
+which always put an accent on the last syllable of a
+word, and the letter "g" when at the end of a word got
+its full value. When a knot of young advocates was
+seen standing round the fireplace of the Parliament
+Hall listening to a low muttering voice, and the party
+suddenly broke up in roars of laughter, it was pretty
+certain to be a select company to whom Sir Walter had
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</a></span>been retailing one of the latest stories of Lord Eskgrove.</p>
+
+<p>He was a man of much self-importance, which comes
+out in his remarks to a young lady of great beauty who
+was called as a witness in the trial of Glengarry for
+murder. "Young woman, you will now consider yourself
+as in the presence of Almighty God, and of this
+Court; lift up your veil, throw off all modesty, and look
+<i>me</i> in the face."</p>
+
+<p>Sir John Henderson of Fordell, a zealous Whig, had
+long nauseated the Scottish Civil Courts by his burgh
+politics. Their lordships of the Bench had once to fix
+the amount of some discretionary penalty that he had
+incurred. Lord Eskgrove began to give his opinion in
+a very low voice, but loud enough to be heard by those
+next him, to the effect that the fine ought to be &pound;50,
+when Sir John, with his usual imprudence, interrupted
+him and begged him to raise his voice, adding
+that if judges did not speak so as to be heard they
+might as well not speak at all. Lord Eskgrove, who
+could never endure any imputation of bodily infirmity,
+asked his neighbour, "What does the fellow say?"&mdash;"He
+says, that if you don't speak out, you may as
+well hold your tongue."&mdash;"Oh, is that what he says?
+My lords, what I was saying was very simpell; I was
+only sayingg, that in my humbell opinyon this fine
+could not be less than &pound;250 sterlingg"&mdash;this sum being
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</a></span>roared out as loudly as his old angry voice could
+launch it.</p>
+
+<p>A common saying of his to juries was: "And now,
+gentle-men, having shown you that the panell's argument
+is impossibill, I shall now proceed to show you
+that it is extremely improbabill."</p>
+
+<p>In condemning some persons to death for breaking
+into Sir John Colquhoun's house and assaulting him
+and others, as well as robbing them, Eskgrove, after
+enumerating minutely the details of their crime, closed
+his address to the prisoners with this climax: "All this
+you did; and God preserve us! juist when they were
+sitten doon tae their denner."</p>
+
+<p>When condemning a tailor convicted of stabbing a
+soldier, the offence was aggravated in Lord Eskgrove's
+eyes by the fact that "not only did you murder him,
+whereby he was berea-ved of his life, but you did
+thrust, or push, or pierce, or project, or propell, the
+le-thall weapon through the belly-band of his regimental
+breeches, which were his Majesty's."</p>
+
+<p>One of the most biting of caustic jests made by a
+judge of the old Court of Session of Scotland, before its
+reconstruction at the beginning of the nineteenth century,
+was uttered during the hearing of a claim to a peerage.
+The claimant was obviously resting his case upon
+forged documents, and the judge suddenly remarked in
+the broad dialect of the time, "If ye persevere ye'll nae
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</a></span>
+doot be a peer, but it will be a peer o' anither tree!"
+The claimant did not appreciate this idea of being
+grafted, and abandoned the case.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>To return to the stories of the earlier period of the
+eighteenth century, there is one told of Lord Halkerston.
+He was waited on by a tenant, who with a woeful
+countenance informed his lordship that one of his
+cows had gored a cow belonging to the judge, and he
+feared the injured animal could not live. "Well, then,
+of course you must pay for it," said his lordship. "Indeed,
+my lord, it was not my fault, and you know I am
+but a very poor man."&mdash;"I can't help that. The law
+says you must pay for it. I am not to lose my cow, am
+I?"&mdash;"Well, my lord, if it must be so, I cannot say
+more. But I forgot what I was saying. It was my mistake
+entirely. I should have said that it was your lordship's
+cow that gored mine."&mdash;"Oh, is that it? That's
+quite a different affair. Go along, and don't trouble me
+just now. I am very busy. Be off, I say!"</p>
+
+<p>And there is one of the testy old Lord Polkemmet
+when he interrupted Mr. James Ferguson, afterwards
+Lord Kilkerran, whose energy in enforcing a point in
+his address to the Bench took the form of beating violently
+on the table: "Maister Jemmy, dinna dunt; ye
+may think ye're dunting it <i>intill me</i>, but ye're juist
+<i>dunting it oot o' me</i>, man."</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</a></span></p>
+<p>He was reputed to be dull, and rarely decided a case
+upon the first hearing. On one occasion, after having
+heard counsel, among whom was the Hon. Henry
+Erskine, John Clerk, and others, in a cause of no great
+difficulty, he addressed the Bar: "Well, Maister Erskine,
+I heard you, and I thocht ye were richt; syne I heard
+you, Dauvid, and I thocht ye were richt; and noo I hae
+heard Maister Clerk, and I think he's richtest amang ye
+a'. That bauthers me, ye see! Sae I man een tak' hame
+the process an' wimble-wamble it i' ma wame a wee
+ower ma toddy, and syne ye'se hae ma interlocutor."</p>
+
+<p>"The Fifteen," as the full Bench of the old Court of
+Session of Scotland was popularly called, were deliberating
+on a bill of suspension and interdict relative to
+certain caravans with wild beasts on the then vacant
+ground which formed the beginning of the new communication
+with the new Town of Edinburgh spreading
+westwards and the Lawnmarket&mdash;now known as the
+Mound. In the course of the proceedings Lord Bannatyne
+fell fast asleep. The case was disposed of and the
+next called, which related to a right of lien over certain
+goods. The learned lord who continued dozing having
+heard the word "lien" pronounced with an emphatic
+accent by Lord Meadowbank, raised the following
+discussion:</p>
+
+<p>Meadowbank: "I am very clear that there was a lien
+on this property."</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</a></span></p><p>Bannatyne: "Certain; but it ought to be chained,
+because&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>Balmuto: "My lord, it's no a livin' lion, it's the Latin
+word for lien" (leen).</p>
+
+<p>Hermand: "No, sir; the word is French."</p>
+
+<p>Balmuto: "I thought it was Latin, for it's in italics."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 289px;">
+<a name="lord_kames" id="lord_kames"></a>
+<img src="images/lord_kames.jpg" width="289" height="390" alt="HENRY HOME, LORD KAMES." title="" />
+<span class="caption">HENRY HOME, LORD KAMES.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Henry Home (Lord Kames) was at once one of the
+most enlightened and learned of Scottish judges of the
+latter half of the eighteenth century, and one of the most
+eccentric. His <i>History of Mankind</i> brought him into
+correspondence with most of the famous men and
+women of his day, and yet it was his delight to walk
+up the Canongate and High Street with a half-witted
+creature who made it his business to collect all the gossip
+of the town and retail it to his lordship as he made
+his way to Court in the morning. His humour was very
+sarcastic, and nothing delighted him more than to observe
+that it cut home. Leaving the Court one day
+shortly before his death he met James Boswell, and
+accosted him with, "Well, Boswell, I shall be meeting
+your old father one of these days, what shall I say to
+him how you are getting on now?" Boswell disdained
+to reply. After a witness in a capital trial at Perth Circuit
+concluded his evidence, Lord Kames said to him,
+"Sir, I have one question more to ask you, and remember
+you are on your oath. You say you are from
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</a></span>Brechin?"&mdash;"Yes, my lord."&mdash;"When do you return
+thither?"&mdash;"To-morrow, my lord."&mdash;"Do you know
+Colin Gillies?"&mdash;"Yes, my lord; I know him very well."&mdash;"Then
+tell him that I shall breakfast with him on
+Tuesday morning."</p>
+
+<p>Lord Kames used to relate a story of a man who
+claimed the honour of his acquaintance on rather singular
+grounds. His lordship, when one of the justiciary
+judges, returning from the North Circuit to Perth,
+happened one night to sleep at Dunkeld. The next
+morning, walking towards the ferry, but apprehending
+he had missed his way, he asked a man whom he met
+to conduct him. The other answered, with much cordiality,
+"That I will do with all my heart, my lord. Does
+not your lordship remember me? My name's John &mdash;&mdash;. I
+have had the <i>honour</i> to be before your lordship
+for stealing sheep!"&mdash;"Oh, John, I remember you well;
+and how is your wife? She had the honour to be before
+me too, for receiving them, knowing them to be stolen."&mdash;"At
+your lordship's service. We were very lucky;
+we got off for want of evidence; and I am still going on
+in the butcher trade."&mdash;"Then," replied his lordship,
+"we may have the honour of meeting again."</p>
+
+<p>Once when on Circuit his lordship had been dozing
+on the bench, a noise created by the entrance of a
+new panel woke him, and he inquired what the matter
+was. "Oh, it's a woman, my lord, accused of child
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</a></span>murder."&mdash;"And a weel farred b&mdash;h too," muttered
+his lordship, loud enough to be heard by those present.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 307px;">
+<a name="lord_eldin" id="lord_eldin"></a>
+<img src="images/lord_eldin.jpg" width="307" height="390" alt="JOHN CLERK, LORD ELDIN." title="" />
+<span class="caption">JOHN CLERK, LORD ELDIN.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>John Clerk (Lord Eldin) was one of the best-known
+advocates at the Scottish Bar in the first quarter of the
+nineteenth century, and probably the last of them to
+retain the old Scots style of pronunciation. His voice
+was loud and his manner brow-beating, from which the
+Bench suffered equally with his brother members of
+the Bar. He suffered from a lameness in one leg, which
+was made the subject of a passing remark by two
+young women in the High Street of Edinburgh one
+day as Clerk was making his way to Court. "There
+goes John Clerk the lame lawyer," said one to the
+other. Clerk overheard the remark, and turning back
+addressed the speaker: "The lame man, my good woman,
+not the lame lawyer."</p>
+
+<p>The stories of his advocate days are numerous, and
+many of them probably well known. In his retention
+of old Scots pronunciation he got the better of Lord
+Eldon when pleading before the House of Lords one
+day. "That's the whole thing in plain English, ma
+lords," he said. "In plain Scotch, you mean, Mr. Clerk."&mdash;"Nae
+maitter, in plain common sense, ma lords, and
+that's the same in a' languages." On another occasion
+before the same tribunal he had frequently referred to
+water, pronouncing it "watter," when he was interrupt<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</a></span>ed
+by the inquiry, "Do you spell water with two t's in
+the north, Mr. Clerk?"&mdash;"No, my lord, but we spell
+mainners wi' twa n's." And there is the well-known
+one of his use of the word "enough," which in old Scots
+was pronounced "enow." His repetition of the word
+in the latter form drew from the Lord Chancellor the
+remark that at the English Courts the word was
+pronounced "enough." "Very well, my lord," replied
+Clerk, and he proceeded with his address till coming
+to describe his client, who was a ploughman, and his
+client's claim, he went on: "My lords, my client is a
+pluffman, who pluffs a pluff gang o' land in the parish
+of," &amp;c. "Oh! just go on with your own pronunciation,
+Mr. Clerk," remarked the Lord Chancellor.</p>
+
+<p>His encounters with members of the Scottish Bench
+were of a more personal character. Indeed, for years he
+appears to have held most of them in unfeigned contempt.
+A junior counsel on hearing their lordships
+give judgment against his client exclaimed that he was
+surprised at such a decision. This was construed into
+contempt of Court, and he was ordered to attend at
+the Bar next morning. Fearing the consequences of
+his rash remark, he consulted John Clerk, who offered
+to apologise for him in a way that would avert any unpleasant
+result. Accordingly, when the name of the
+delinquent was called, John Clerk rose and addressed
+the Bench: "I am sorry, my lords, that my young
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[Pg 169]</a></span>friend so far forgot himself as to treat your lordships
+with disrespect. He is extremely penitent, and you
+will kindly ascribe his unintentional insult to his ignorance.
+You will see at once that it did not originate
+in that: he said he was surprised at the decision of your
+lordships. Now, if he had not been very ignorant of
+what takes place in this Court every day; had he known
+your lordships but half so long as I have done, he
+would not be surprised at anything you did."</p>
+
+<p>Two judges, father and son, sat on the Scottish
+Bench, in succession, under the title of Lord Meadowbank.
+The second Lord Meadowbank was by no means
+such a powerful judge as his father. In his Court, Clerk
+was pressing his construction of some words in a conveyance,
+and contrasting the use of the word "also"
+with the use of the word "likewise."</p>
+
+<p>"Surely, Mr. Clerk," said his lordship, "you cannot
+seriously argue that 'also' means anything different
+from 'likewise'! They mean precisely the same thing;
+and it matters not which of them is preferred."&mdash;"Not
+at all, my lord; there is all the difference in the world
+between these two words. Let us take an instance:
+your worthy father was a judge on that Bench; your
+lordship is 'also' a judge on the same Bench; but it
+does not follow that you are a judge 'like wise.'"</p>
+
+<p>When Meadowbank was about to be raised to the
+Bench he consulted John Clerk about the title he
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[Pg 170]</a></span>should adopt. Clerk's suggestion was "Lord Preserve
+Us." The legal acquirements of James Wolfe Murray
+were not held in high esteem by his brethren of the
+Bar, and when he became a judge with the title of
+Lord Cringletie, Clerk wrote the following clever epigram:</p>
+
+<div class="poetryblock">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Necessity and Cringletie<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Are fitted to a tittle;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Necessity has nae law,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And Cringletie as little."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+</div>
+
+<p>The only man on the Bench for whom John Clerk
+retained a respectfulness not generally exhibited to
+others in that position was Lord President Blair. After
+hearing the President overturn without any effort an
+argument he had laboriously built up, and which appeared
+to be regarded as unsurmountable by the audience
+who heard it, Clerk sat still for a few moments,
+then as he rose to leave the Court he was heard to say:
+"My man, God Almighty spared nae pains when He
+made your brains."</p>
+
+<p>When he ascended the Bench in his sixty-fifth year,
+and when his physical powers were declining, he received
+the congratulations of his brother judges, one
+of whom expressed surprise that he had waited so long
+for the distinction. "Well, you see, I did not get 'doited'
+just as soon as the rest of you," replied the new-made
+judge.</p>
+
+<p>Like the generation preceding his, Clerk was of a
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[Pg 171]</a></span>very convivial disposition. Of him the story is told that
+one Sunday morning, while people were making their
+way to church, he appeared at his door in York Place
+in his dressing-gown and cowl, with a lighted candle
+in his hand, showing out two friends who had been carousing
+with him, and in the firm belief that it was
+about midnight instead of next mid-day. At the termination
+of a Bannatyne Club dinner, where wit and
+wine had contended for the mastery, the excited judge
+on the way to his carriage tumbled downstairs and,
+<i>miserabile dictu</i>, broke his nose, an accident which
+compelled him to confine himself to the house for some
+time. He reappeared, however, with a large patch on
+his olfactory member, which gave a most ludicrous expression
+to his face. On someone inquiring how this
+happened, he said it was the effect of his studies.
+"Studies!" ejaculated the inquirer. "Yes," growled
+the judge; "ye've heard, nae doot, about <i>Coke upon
+Littleton</i>, but I suppose you never before heard of
+<i>Clerk upon Stair</i>!"</p>
+
+<p>When asked by a friend what was the difference
+between him and Lord Eldon, the Lord Chancellor of
+England, Eldin replied; "Oh, there's only an 'i' of a
+difference."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 285px;">
+<a name="lord_newton" id="lord_newton"></a>
+<img src="images/lord_newton.jpg" width="285" height="390" alt="CHARLES HAY, LORD NEWTON." title="" />
+<span class="caption">CHARLES HAY, LORD NEWTON.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Charles Hay (Lord Newton), known in private life
+as "The Mighty," has been described by Lord Cock<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[Pg 172]</a></span>burn
+as "famous for law, paunch, whist, claret, and
+worth." His indulgence in wine and his great bulk
+made him slumbrous, and when sitting in Court after
+getting the gist of a case he almost invariably fell fast
+asleep. Yet it is strange to find it recorded that whenever
+anything pertinent to the matter under discussion
+was said he was immediately wide awake and in full
+possession of his reasoning faculties. While a very
+zealous but inexperienced counsel was pleading before
+him, his lordship had been dozing, as usual, for
+some time, till at last the young man, supposing him
+asleep, and confident of a favourable judgment in his
+case, stopped short in his pleading and, addressing
+the other judges on the Bench, said: "My lords, it is
+unnecessary that I should go on, as Lord Newton is
+fast asleep."&mdash;"Ay, ay," cried Lord Newton, "you will
+have proof of that by and by"&mdash;when, to the astonishment
+of the young advocate, after a most luminous
+view of the case, he gave a very decided and elaborate
+judgment against him.</p>
+
+<p>Lord Jeffrey himself declared that he only went to
+Oxford to improve his accent, and according to some
+of the older members of the Bar of his days, he only
+lost his Scots accent and did not learn the English. A
+story of his early days at the Bar is related to the
+effect that when pleading before Lord Newton the
+judge stopped him and asked in broad Scots, "Whaur
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</a></span>were ye educat', Maister Jawfrey."&mdash;"Oxford, my
+lord."&mdash;"Then I doot ye maun gang back there again,
+for we can mak' nocht o' ye here." But Mr. Jeffrey
+got back his own. For, before the same judge, happening
+to speak of an "itinerant violinist," Lord Newton
+inquired: "D'ye mean a blin' fiddler?"&mdash;"Vulgarly so
+called, my lord," was the reply.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 293px;">
+<a name="lord_cockburn" id="lord_cockburn"></a>
+<img src="images/lord_cockburn.jpg" width="293" height="390" alt="HENRY COCKBURN, LORD COCKBURN." title="" />
+<span class="caption">HENRY COCKBURN, LORD COCKBURN.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Circuit Courts were in Scotland, in the eighteenth
+and early years of the nineteenth century (as in England
+and Ireland), occasions for a great display in the
+county towns in which they were held. Whether the
+judges had arrived on horseback or as later in their
+private carriages, there was always the procession to
+the court-house, in which the notabilities of the district
+took part. Lord Cockburn, who had no sympathy with
+this part of a judge's duties, thus describes one of his
+experiences in the early days of his Circuit journeys:
+"Yet there are some of us who like the procession,
+though it can never be anything but mean and ludicrous,
+and who fancy that a line of soldiers, or the more
+civic array of paltry policemen, or of doited special constables,
+protecting a couple of judges who flounder in
+awkward gowns and wigs through ill-paved streets,
+followed by a few sneering advocates and preceded
+by two or three sheriffs or their substitutes, with their
+swords, which trip them, and a provost and some
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[Pg 174]</a></span>bailie-bodies trying to look grand, the whole defended
+by a poor iron mace, and advancing each with a different
+step, to the sound of two cracked trumpets, ill-blown
+by a couple of drunken royal trumpeters, the
+spectators all laughing, who fancy that all this pretence
+of greatness and reality of littleness contributes
+to the dignity of judges." Things are changed now.
+Even Lord Cockburn saw the change that the introduction
+of railways made in the progress of Circuit
+work, and with them a lesser display and more dignified
+opening of the courts of justice in local towns.
+But the older Circuits were times of much feasting and
+merriment, in which the judges of that period took their
+full share as well as the members of the Bar accompanying
+them. In the eyes of some of these old worthies
+it was part of the dignity of their position to sit
+down after Court work at two o'clock in the morning to
+a collation of salmon and roast beef, and drink bumpers
+of claret and mulled port with the provosts and
+other local worthies, although they were due in Court
+that same morning at nine to try some miserable creature
+for a serious crime. Lord Pitmilly had no stomach
+for such proceedings, his inclination was stronger for
+decorum and law than for revelling. Once at a Circuit
+town he ordered his servant to bring to his room a
+kettle of hot water. Lord Hermand on his way to dinner
+at midnight, meeting the servant, said, "God bless
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[Pg 175]</a></span>me, is he going to make a whole kettle of punch&mdash;and
+before supper too?"&mdash;"No, my lord, he's going to bed,
+but he wants to bathe his feet."&mdash;"Feet, sir! what ails
+his feet? Tell him to put some rum among it, and to
+give it all to his stomach."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>The Circuit sermon was an important part of the
+duties to which the judges had to attend in the course
+of their visits in the country. One of these that Lord
+Cockburn had to listen to was delivered from the text,
+"What are these that are arrayed in white robes, and
+whence came they?" There was nothing personal intended,
+but the ermine on the judges gowns naturally
+attracted significant glances from the other members
+of the congregation. A Glasgow clergyman and friend
+of the judge, not knowing that his lordship was present
+in his church, preached from the text, "There was
+in a city a judge which feared not God, neither regarded
+man." The announcement of the text directed all eyes
+towards the learned judge, which attracting the preacher's
+attention nearly prevented him from proceeding
+further with the service. The judge was the pious
+Lord Moncreiff, the son of the Rev. Sir Henry Wellwood
+Moncreiff, and the text stuck to him ever afterwards.
+But there seemed to have been deliberation in
+selection of the text made by a south-country minister
+who, before Lord Justice Boyle and Samuel M'Cor<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[Pg 176]</a></span>mick,
+Advocate-Depute, preached from I Samuel vii.
+16, "And Samuel went from year to year in circuit to
+Bethel, and Gilgal, and Mizpeh." The two legal gentlemen
+took offence at this audacious attempt to ridicule
+the Court, they identifying the places mentioned in the
+text as representing their circuit towns of Jedburgh,
+Dumfries, and Ayr. In this connection maybe told the
+story of Lord Hermand, beside whom stood the clergyman
+whose duty it was to offer up the opening prayer
+before the work of the Court began. He seemed to
+think the company had assembled for no other purpose
+than to hear him perform, and after praying loud and
+long his lordship's patience gave way, and with a decided
+jog of his elbow he exclaimed in a stage whisper,
+"We've a lot of business to do, sir."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>From a somewhat rare volume printed for private
+circulation we are permitted to quote the following
+ballad, the authorship of which may be easily guessed,
+as the circuiteer who mourns the loss of his Circuit
+days may be as easily identified.</p>
+
+<div class="poetryblock">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">THE EX-CIRCUITEER'S LAMENT<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i2">Ae morning at the dawning<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">I saw a Counsel yawning,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And heard him say, in accents that were anything but gay,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">As sadly he was grinding<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">At a meikle multiplepoinding,&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.<br /></span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[Pg 177]</a></span></div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i2">Nae banter frae Lord Deas,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Nae promises o' fees<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That never will be paid afore the judgment-day,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Nae lies dubbed "information,"<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">From the worst rogues in the nation,&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i2">Nae haveral wutty witness,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Displaying his unfitness,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Tae see some sma' distinction 'tween a trial and a play,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Nae witness primed at lunch<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Wi' perjuries and punch,&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i2">Nae laughing-gas orations,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Nae treading on the patience<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Of Judges and of Juries, who will let you say your say,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Yet pay but sma' attention<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">To the gems of your invention,&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i2">Nae mair delightful wondering<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">At a new man blandly blundering,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Nae kind hints from the Court that he's gangin far astray,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Nae flowery depictions<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">In the teeth of ten convictions,&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i2">Nae whacking ten years' sentence,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Wi' advices o' repentance,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And learn in years of leisure to admire the "law's delay."<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Nae fell female fury,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Blackguarding Judge and Jury,&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.<br /></span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[Pg 178]</a></span></div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i2">Nay grey auld woman sobbing,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Nae mair you'll catch her robbing,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And a' the Christian virtues henceforth she will display,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">If the Judge will but have mercy<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">(For the sixteenth time I daresay),&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i2">Nae processions, nae pageants,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Nae pawky country agents,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Nae macers, nae trumpeters, wi' tipsy blare and bray,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Nae Councillors or Bailie,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Or Provost smiling gaily,&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i2">Nae funny cross-examining,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Nae jurymen begammoning,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Nae laughter from the audience, nae gallery's hurrah,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Nae fleeching for acquittal,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Though you don't care a spittle,&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i2">Nae playing <i>hocus-pocus</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i2">With the <i>tempus</i> and the <i>locus</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Nae pleas in mitigation (a kittle job are they),<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Nae bonny rapes and reivings,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Nae forgeries and thievings,&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i2">Nae dinners wi' the Judges,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Nae drooning a' your grudges<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In deep, deep draughts o' claret, and a' your senses tae,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Nae chatter wise or witty<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">On ticklish points o' dittay,&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.<br /></span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[Pg 179]</a></span></div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i2">Nae high-jinks after dinner<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Wi' ony madcap sinner,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Nae drinking whisky-toddy until the break o' day,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Nae speeches till a hiccup<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Compels a sudden stick-up,&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The nichts o' my Circuits are a' fled away.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+</div>
+
+<p>Lord Hermand's manner on the Bench conveyed the
+impression that he was of an impatient, almost savage
+temper, but in his domestic circle he was one of the
+warmest-hearted of men, and one with the simplest
+of tastes. His outbursts on the Bench, too, were emphasised
+by what, in Scotland, was called "Birr"&mdash;the
+emphatic energy of his pronunciation&mdash;which may be
+imagined but cannot be transcribed in the following
+dialogue between him and Lord Meadowbank.</p>
+
+<p>Meadowbank: "We are bound to give judgment in
+terms of the statute, my lords."</p>
+
+<p>Hermand: "A statute! What's a statute? Words&mdash;mere
+words. And am <i>I</i> to be tied down by words? No,
+my laards; I go by the law of right reason."</p>
+
+<p>He was a great friend of John Scott (Lord Eldon).
+In a case appealed to the House of Lords, Scott had
+taken the trouble to write out his speech, and read it
+over to Hermand, inviting his opinion of it. "It is delightful&mdash;absolutely
+delightful. I could listen to it for
+ever," said Hermand. "It is so beautifully written,
+and so beautifully read. But, sir, it's the greatest non<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[Pg 180]</a></span>sense!
+It may do very well for an English Chancellor,
+but it would disgrace a clerk with us." The blunder
+that drew forth this criticism was a gross one for a
+Scottish lawyer, but one an English barrister might
+readily fall into.</p>
+
+<p>It was put forward in mitigation of the crime that
+the prisoner was in liquor when, either rashly or accidentally,
+he stabbed his friend. While the other
+judges were in favour of a short sentence, Lord Hermand&mdash;who
+had no sympathy with a man who could
+not carry his liquor&mdash;was vehement for transportation:
+"We are told that there was no malice, and that
+the prisoner must have been in liquor. In liquor!
+Why, he was drunk!... And yet he murdered the
+very man who had been drinking with him! Good
+God, my laards, if he will do this when he is drunk,
+what will he not do when he is sober?"</p>
+
+<p>On one of Lord Hermand's circuits a wag put a
+musical-box, which played "Jack Alive," on one of the
+seats of the Court. The music struck the audience with
+consternation, and the judge stared in the air, looking
+unutterable things, and frantically called out, "Macer,
+what in the name of God is that?" The macer looked
+round in vain, when the wag called out, "It's 'Jack
+Alive,' my lord."&mdash;"Dead or alive, put him out this
+moment," called out the judge. "We can't grip him,
+my lord."&mdash;"If he has the art of hell, let every man as<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[Pg 181]</a></span>sist
+to arraign him before me, that I may commit him
+for this outrage and contempt." Everybody tried to
+discover the offender, and fortunately the music ceased.
+But it began again half an hour afterwards, and
+the judge exclaimed, "Is he there again? By all that's
+sacred, he shall not escape me this time&mdash;fence, bolt,
+bar the doors of the Court, and at your peril let not a
+man, living or dead, escape." All was bustle and confusion,
+the officers looked east and west, and up in the
+air and down on the floor; but the search was in vain.
+The judge at last began to suspect witchcraft, and
+exclaimed, "This is a <i>deceptio auris</i>&mdash;it is absolute
+delusion, necromancy, phantasmagoria." And to the
+day of his death the judge never understood the precise
+origin of this unwonted visitation.</p>
+
+<p>On another occasion, in his own Court in the Parliament
+House, he was annoyed by a noise near the
+door, and called to the macer, "What is that noise?"&mdash;"It's
+a man, my lord."&mdash;"What does he want?"&mdash;"He
+<i>wants in</i>, my lord."&mdash;"Keep him out!" The man, it
+seems, did get in, and soon afterwards a like noise was
+renewed, and his lordship again demanded, "What's
+the noise there?"&mdash;"It's the same man, my lord."&mdash;"What
+does he want now?"&mdash;"He <i>wants out</i>, my
+lord."&mdash;"Then <i>keep him in</i>&mdash;I say, <i>keep him in</i>!"</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Lord President Campbell, after the fashion of those
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</a></span>times, was somewhat addicted to browbeating young
+counsel; and as bearding a judge on the Bench is not
+a likely way to rise in favour, his lordship generally
+got it all his own way. Upon one occasion, however,
+he caught a tartar. His lordship had what are termed
+pig's eyes, and his voice was thin and weak. Corbet, a
+bold and sarcastic counsel in his younger days, had
+been pleading before the Inner House, and as usual
+the President commenced his attack, when his intended
+victim thus addressed him: "My lord, it is not for
+me to enter into any altercation with your lordship,
+for no one knows better than I do the great difference
+between us; you occupy the highest place on the
+Bench, and I the lowest at the Bar; and then, my lord,
+I have not your lordship's voice of thunder&mdash;I have
+not your lordship's rolling eye of command."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 290px;">
+<a name="lord_braxfield" id="lord_braxfield"></a>
+<img src="images/lord_braxfield.jpg" width="290" height="390" alt="ROBERT MACQUEEN, LORD BRAXFIELD." title="" />
+<span class="caption">ROBERT MACQUEEN, LORD BRAXFIELD.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Robert Macqueen (Lord Braxfield), the prototype of
+Stevenson's "Weir of Hermiston," was known as the
+"hanging judge"&mdash;the Judge Jeffreys of Scotland; but
+he was a sound judge. He argued a point in a colloquial
+style, asking a question, and himself supplying
+the answer in his clear, abrupt manner. But he was illiterate,
+and without the least desire for refined enjoyment,
+holding in disdain natures less coarse than his
+own; he shocked the feelings of those even of an age
+which had less decorum than prevailed in that which
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[Pg 183]</a></span>succeeded, and would not be tolerated by the working
+classes of to-day. Playing whist with a lady, he exclaimed,
+"What are ye doin', ye damned auld ...,"
+and then recollecting himself, "Your pardon's begged,
+madam; I took ye for my wife." When his butler gave
+up his place because his lordship's wife was always
+scolding him: "Lord," he exclaimed, "ye've little to
+complain o'; ye may be thankfu' ye're no mairred to
+her."</p>
+
+<p>His most notorious sayings from the Bench were
+uttered during the trials for sedition towards the end
+of the eighteenth century, and even some of these are
+too coarse for repetition. "Ye're a very clever chiel,"
+he said to one of the prisoners; "but ye wad be nane
+the waur o' a hangin'." And to a juror arriving late in
+Court he said, "Come awa, Maister Horner, come awa
+and help us to hang ane o' they damned scoondrels."
+Hanging was his term for all kinds of punishment.</p>
+
+<p>To Margarot, a Baptist minister of Dundee&mdash;another
+of the political prisoners of that time&mdash;he said,
+"Hae ye ony coonsel, man?"&mdash;"No," replied Margarot.
+"Dae ye want tae hae ony appointed?" continued
+the Justice-Clerk. "No," replied the prisoner, "I only
+want an interpreter to make me understand what your
+lordship says."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>We have already referred to Lord Moncreiff's piety,
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[Pg 184]</a></span>and to it must be added his great simplicity of nature.
+Like many of his predecessors, he had a habit of
+making long speeches to prisoners on their conviction;
+but his intention was to help them to a better mode of
+life, not to aggravate their feelings by silly or coarse
+remarks. This habit, however, led him occasionally
+into enunciating principles which rather astonished
+his friends. In a murder case he found that the woman
+killed was not the wife of the prisoner but his mistress,
+which led his lordship to explain to the prisoner that it
+might have been some apology for his crime had the
+woman been his wife, because there was difficulty in
+getting rid of her any other way. But the victim being
+only his associate he could have left her at any time,
+and consequently there were absolutely no ameliorating
+circumstances in the case. From this point of view
+it would seem to have been (in Lord Moncreiff's eyes)
+less criminal to murder a wife than a mistress. In
+another, a bigamy case, after referring to the perfidy
+and cruelty to the women and their relations, Lord
+Cockburn reports him to have said: "All this is bad;
+but your true iniquity consists in this, that you degraded
+that holy ceremony which our blessed Saviour
+<i>condescended</i> to select as the type of the connection between
+him and His redeemed Church."</p>
+
+<p>In the Court of Session, the judges who do not attend
+or give a proper excuse for their absence are (or
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[Pg 185]</a></span>were) liable to a fine. This, however, is never enforced:
+but it is customary on the first day of the session for
+the absentee to send an excuse to the Lord President.
+Lord Stonefield having sent an excuse, and the Lord
+President mentioning that he had done so, the Lord
+Justice-Clerk said: "What excuse can a stout fellow
+like him hae?"&mdash;"My lord," said the President, "he
+has lost his wife." To which the Justice-Clerk replied:
+"Has he? That is a gude excuse indeed, I wish we
+had a' the same."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Lord Cockburn's looks, tones, language, and manner
+were always such as to make one think that he believed
+every word he said. On one occasion, before he
+was raised to the Bench, when defending a murderer,
+although he failed to convince the judge and jurymen
+of the innocence of his client, yet he convinced the
+murderer himself that he was innocent. Sentence of
+death was pronounced, and the day of execution fixed
+for the 3rd of March. As Lord Cockburn was passing
+the condemned man, the latter seized him by the gown,
+saying: "I have not got justice!" To this the advocate
+coolly replied: "Perhaps not; but you'll get it on the
+3rd of March."</p>
+
+<p>Cockburn's racy humour displayed itself in another
+serious case; one in which a farm-servant was charged
+with maiming his master's cattle by cutting off their
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[Pg 186]</a></span>tails. A consultation was held on the question of the
+man's mental condition at which the farmer was present,
+and at the close of it some conversation took place
+about the disposal of the cattle. Turning to the farmer
+Cockburn said that they might be sold, but that he
+would have to dispose of them wholesale for he could
+not now <i>retail</i> them.</p>
+
+<p>He was walking on the hillside on his estate of Bonaly,
+near Edinburgh, talking to his shepherd, and speculating
+about the reasons why his sheep lay on what
+seemed to be the least sheltered and coldest situation
+on the hill. Said his lordship: "John, if I were a sheep
+I would lie on the other side of the hill." The shepherd
+answered: "Ay, my lord; but if ye had been a sheep
+ye would have had mair sense."</p>
+
+<p>Sitting long after the usual hour listening to a prosy
+counsel, Lord Cockburn was commiserated by a friend
+as they left the Court together with the remark: "Counsel
+has encroached very much on your time, my lord."&mdash;"Time,
+time," exclaimed his lordship; "he has exhausted
+time and encroached on eternity."</p>
+
+<p>When a young advocate, Cockburn was a frequent
+visitor at Niddrie Marischal, near Edinburgh, the residence
+of Mr. Wauchope. This gentleman was very
+particular about church-going, but one Sunday he
+stayed at home and his young guest started for the
+parish church accompanied by one of his host's hand<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[Pg 187]</a></span>somest
+daughters. On their way they passed through
+the garden, and were so beguiled by the gooseberry
+bushes that the time slipped away and they found
+themselves too late for the service. At dinner the laird
+inquired of his daughter what the text was, and when
+she failed to tell him he put the question to Cockburn,
+who at once replied: "The woman whom thou gavest
+to be with me she gave me of the fruit and I did eat."</p>
+
+<p>Jeffrey and Cockburn were counsel together in a
+case in which it was sought to prove that the heir of an
+estate was of low capacity, and therefore incapable of
+administrating his affairs. Jeffrey had vainly attempted
+to make a country witness understand his meaning as
+he spoke of the mental imbecility and impaired intellect
+of the party. Cockburn rose to his relief, and was
+successful at once. "D'ye ken young Sandy &mdash;&mdash;?"&mdash;"Brawly,"
+said the witness; "I've kent him sin' he was
+a laddie."&mdash;"An' is there onything in the cratur, d'ye
+think?"&mdash;"Deed," responded the witness, "there's
+naething in him ava; he wadna ken a coo frae a cauf!"</p>
+
+<p>When addressing the jury in a case in which an officer
+of the army was a witness, Jeffrey frequently referred
+to him as "this soldier." The witness, who was
+in Court, bore this for a time, but at last, exasperated,
+exclaimed, "I am not a soldier, I'm an officer!"&mdash;"Well,
+gentlemen of the jury," proceeded Jeffrey, "this officer,
+who on his own statement is no soldier," &amp;c.</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[Pg 188]</a></span></p>
+<p>Patrick, Lord Robertson, one of the senators of
+the College of Justice, was a great humorist. He was
+on terms of intimacy with the late Mr. Alexander
+Douglas, W.S., who, on account of the untidiness of
+his person, was known by the sobriquet of "Dirty
+Douglas." Lord Robertson invited his friend to accompany
+him to a ball. "I would go," said Mr. Douglas,
+"but I don't care about my friends knowing that I attend
+balls."&mdash;"Why, Douglas," replied the senator,
+"put on a well-brushed coat and a clean shirt, and nobody
+will know you." When at the Bar, Robertson
+was frequently entrusted with cases by Mr. Douglas.
+Handing his learned friend a fee in Scottish notes, Mr.
+Douglas remarked: "These notes, Robertson, are, like
+myself, getting old."&mdash;"Yes, they're both old and dirty,
+Douglas," rejoined Robertson.</p>
+
+<p>When Robertson was attending an appeal case in
+the House of Lords he received great attention from
+Lord Brougham. This gave rise to a report in the Parliament
+House of Edinburgh that the popular Tory
+advocate had "ratted" to the Liberal side in politics,
+which found expression in the following <i>jeu d'esprit</i>:</p>
+
+<div class="poetryblock">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"When Brougham by Robertson was told<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He'd condescend a place to hold,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The Chancellor said, with wondering eyes,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Viewing the <i>Rat's</i> tremendous size,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'That you a place would hold is true,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But where's the place that would hold you?'"<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[Pg 189]</a></span></p>
+<p>Lord Rutherford when at the Bar put an illustration
+to the Bench in connection with a church case.
+"Suppose the Justiciary Court condemned a man to
+be hanged, however unjustly, could that man come into
+this Court of Session and ask your lordships to
+interfere?" and he turned round very majestically to
+Robertson opposing him. "Oh, my lords," said Robertson,
+"a case of suspension, clearly."</p>
+
+<p>When a sheriff, Rutherford, dining with a number
+of members of the legal profession, had to reply to the
+toast, "The Bench of Scotland." In illustration of a
+trite remark that all litigants could not be expected to
+have the highest regard for the judges who have tried
+their cases, he told the following story: A worthy
+but unfortunate south-country farmer had fought his
+case in the teeth of adverse decisions in the Lower
+Courts to the bitter end in one of the divisions of the
+Court of Session. After the decision of this tribunal
+affirming the judgment he had appealed against, and
+thus finally blasting his fondest hopes, he was heard
+to mutter as he left the Court: "They ca' themselves
+senators o' the College o' Justice, but it's ma opeenion
+they're a' the waur o' drink!"</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>It was only a small point of law, but the two counsel
+were hammering at each other tooth and nail. They
+had been submitting this and that to his lordship for
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[Pg 190]</a></span>twenty minutes, and growing more and more heated
+as they argued. At last: "You're an ass, sir!" shrieked
+one. "And you're a liar, sir!" roared the other. Then
+the judge woke up. "Now that counsel have identified
+each other," said he, "let us proceed to the disputed
+points."</p>
+
+<p>A recent eminent judge of the Scottish Bench when
+sitting to an artist for his portrait was asked what he
+thought of the likeness. His lordship's reply was that
+he thought it good enough, but he would have liked
+"to see a little more dislike to Gladstone's Irish Bills
+in the expression."</p>
+
+<p>Lord Shand's shortness of stature has been a theme
+of several stories. When he left Edinburgh after sitting
+as a judge of the Court of Session for eighteen
+years, one of his colleagues suggested that a statue
+ought to be erected to him. "Or shall we say a statuette?"
+was the remark of another friend. His lordship
+lived at Newhailes&mdash;the property of one of the Dalrymple
+family, several members of which were eminent
+judges in the late seventeenth and the early eighteenth
+centuries&mdash;and travelled to town by rail. The
+guard was a pawky Aberdonian, and had evidently
+been greatly struck by Lord Shand's appearance, for
+his customary salutation to him, delivered no doubt in
+a parental and patronising fashion, was: "And fu (how)
+are ye the day, ma lordie?" His lordship's manner of
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[Pg 191]</a></span>receiving this greeting is not recorded. Still another
+anecdote on the same subject is that when still an advocate,
+it was proposed to make Mr. Shand a Judge of
+Assize. On the proposal being mentioned to a colleague
+famous for his caustic wit, the latter with a good-humoured
+sneer which raised a hearty laugh at the expense
+of his genial friend, remarked: "Ah, a judge of a size,
+indeed."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 283px;">
+<a name="lord_young" id="lord_young"></a>
+<img src="images/lord_young.jpg" width="283" height="390" alt="GEORGE YOUNG, LORD YOUNG." title="" />
+<span class="caption">GEORGE YOUNG, LORD YOUNG.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Lord Young's wit was of this caustic turn and not
+infrequently was intended to sting the person to whom
+it was addressed. An advocate was wending his weary
+way through a case one day, and in the course of making
+a point he referred to a witness who had deponed
+that he had seen two different things at one time and
+consequently contradicted himself. Lord Young gave
+vent to the feelings of his colleagues in the Second Division
+of the Court, when he interrupted thus:</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, Mr. B&mdash;&mdash;, I can see more than two things at
+one time. I can see your paper, and beyond your paper
+I can see you, and beyond you I can see the clock, and
+I can see that you have been labouring for an hour
+over a point that is capable of being expressed in a
+sentence."</p>
+
+<p>In the course of an argument in the same division,
+counsel had occasion to refer to "Fraser" (a brother
+judge) "on Husband and Wife." Lord Young, inter<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[Pg 192]</a></span>rupting,
+asked: 'Hasn't Fraser another book?'&mdash;'Yes,
+my lord, 'Master and Servant!''&mdash;'Well,' said Lord
+Young, 'isn't that the same thing?'</p>
+
+<p>Owing to a vacancy on the Bench having been kept
+open for a long period, Lord Young's roll had become
+very heavy. Hearing that a new colleague had been
+appointed, and like the late judge had adopted a title
+ending in "hill," he gratefully quoted the lines of the
+one hundred and twenty-first psalm:</p>
+
+<div class="poetryblock">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"I to the hills will lift mine eyes,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">From whence doth come mine aid."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+</div>
+
+<p>Before the same judge, two prominent advocates in
+their day were debating a case. One of them was a particularly
+well-known figure, the feature of whose pinafore,
+if he wore one, would be its extensive girth. The
+other advocate, who happened to be rather slim, was
+addressing his lordship: "My learned friend and I are
+particularly at one upon this point. I may say, my lord,
+that we are virtually in the same boat." Here his opponent
+broke in: "No, no, my lord, we are nothing of
+the kind. I do not agree with that." Lord Young, leaning
+across the bench, remarked: "No, I suppose you
+would need a whole boat to yourself."</p>
+
+<p>It is also attributed to Lord Young that, when Mr.
+Baird of Cambusdoon bequeathed a large sum of
+money to the Church of Scotland to found the lecture<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_193" id="Page_193">[Pg 193]</a></span>ship
+delivered under the auspices of the Baird Trust,
+he remarked that it was the highest fire insurance premium
+he had ever heard of. "Possibly, my lord," observed
+a fire insurance manager who heard the remark;
+"but you will admit that cases occur where the
+premium scarcely covers the risk."</p>
+
+<p>Lord Guthrie tells that when, as an advocate, he was
+engaged in a case before Lord Young, he mentioned
+that his client was a Free Church minister. "Well,"
+said Lord Young, "that may be, but for all that he may
+perhaps be quite a respectable man."</p>
+
+<p>And there is the story that when Mr. Young was
+Lord Advocate for Scotland a vacancy occurred on
+the Bench and two names were mentioned in connection
+with it. One was that of Mr. Horne, Dean of
+Faculty, a very tall man, and the other Lord Shand.
+"So, Mr. Young," said a friend, "you'll be going to
+appoint Horne?"&mdash;"I doubt if I will get his length,"
+was the reply. "Oh, then," queried the friend, "you'll
+be going to appoint Shand?"&mdash;"It's the least I could
+do," answered the witty Lord Advocate.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>"What is your occupation?" asked Lord Ardwall
+of a witness in a case. "A miner, sir."&mdash;"Good; and
+how old are you?"&mdash;"Twenty, sir."&mdash;"Ah, then you
+are a minor in more senses than one." Whereat, no
+doubt, the Court laughed. "Now, my lord, we come to
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_194" id="Page_194">[Pg 194]</a></span>the question of commission received by the witness,
+which I was forgetting," said a counsel before the same
+judge one day. "Ah, don't commit the omission of omitting
+the commission," replied his lordship.</p>
+
+<p>An unfortunate miner had been hit on the head by a
+lump of coal, and the judges of the First Division of the
+Court of Session were considering whether his case
+raised a question of law or of fact. "The only law I can
+see in the matter," said Lord Maclaren, "is the law of
+gravitation."</p>
+
+<p>In a fishing case heard in the Court of Session some
+years ago, a good deal of evidence was led on the subject
+of taking immature salmon from a river in the
+north. The case was an important one, and the evidence
+was taken down in shorthand notes and printed
+for the use of the judge and counsel next day. The
+evidence of one of the witnesses with respect to certain
+of the salmon taken was that "some of them were
+kelts." When his lordship turned over the pages of the
+printed evidence next morning to refresh his memory,
+he was astonished to find it stated by one of the witnesses
+in regard to the salmon that "some of them wore
+kilts."</p>
+
+<p>Many other stories, particularly of the older judges,
+might be given, were they not too well known. We
+may therefore close this chapter with the following epigram
+by a Scottish writer, which is decidedly point<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_195" id="Page_195">[Pg 195]</a></span>ed
+and clever, and has the additional merit of being
+self-explanatory:</p>
+
+<div class="poetryblock">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"He was a burglar stout and strong,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Who held, 'It surely can't be wrong,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To open trunks and rifle shelves,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For God helps those who help themselves.'<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But when before the Court he came,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And boldly rose to plead the same,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The judge replied&mdash;'That's very true;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">You've helped yourself&mdash;<i>now God help you!</i>'"<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_196" id="Page_196">[Pg 196]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_197" id="Page_197">[Pg 197]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_SIX" id="CHAPTER_SIX"></a>CHAPTER SIX<br />
+THE ADVOCATES OF SCOTLAND</h2>
+
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_198" id="Page_198">[Pg 198]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="poetryblock">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Ye lawyers who live upon litigants' fees,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And who need a good many to live at your ease,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Grave or gay, wise or witty, whate'er your degree,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Plain stuff, or Queen's Counsel, take counsel from me,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">When a festive occasion your spirit unbends,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">You should never forget the profession's best friends;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">So we'll send round the wine and a bright bumper fill<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To the jolly Testator who makes his own will."<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Neaves</span>: <i>Songs and Verses</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_199" id="Page_199">[Pg 199]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>CHAPTER SIX<br />
+THE ADVOCATES OF SCOTLAND</h2>
+
+
+
+
+<p>Since days when Sir Walter Scott
+gathered round him at the fireplace in the Parliament
+Hall of Edinburgh a company of young brother advocates
+to hear the latest of Lord Eskgrove's eccentric
+sayings from the Bench, that rendezvous has been
+the favourite resort for story-telling among succeeding
+generations of counsel. While the Court is in session,
+they vary their daily walk up and down the hall
+by lounging round the spot where the future Wizard of
+the North proved a strong counter-attraction to many
+an interesting case being argued before a Lord Ordinary
+in the alcoves on the opposite side of the hall,
+which was then the "Outer House." It is even asserted
+that this same fireplace is the hatchery of many of
+the amusing paragraphs daily appearing in a column
+of a certain Edinburgh newspaper. But of all the witticisms
+that have enlivened the dull hours of the briefless
+barrister in that historic hall during the past
+century, none will stand the test of time or be read with
+so much pleasure as those of that prince of wits, the
+Hon. Henry Erskine.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 293px;">
+<a name="hon_henry_erskine" id="hon_henry_erskine"></a>
+<img src="images/hon_henry_erskine.jpg" width="293" height="390" alt="THE HON. HENRY ERSKINE, LORD ADVOCATE AND DEAN OF FACULTY OF ADVOCATES." title="" />
+<span class="caption">THE HON. HENRY ERSKINE, LORD ADVOCATE AND DEAN OF FACULTY OF ADVOCATES.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Hairry, as he was familiarly called both by judge
+and counsel, was in an eminent degree the "advocate
+of the people." It is said that a poor man in a remote
+district of Scotland thus answered an acquaint<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_200" id="Page_200">[Pg 200]</a></span>ance
+who wished to dissuade him from "going to law"
+with a wealthy neighbour, by representing the hopelessness
+of being able to meet the expenses of litigation.
+"Ye dinna ken what ye're saying, maister," replied
+the litigious northerner; "there's no' a puir man
+in a' Scotland need want a freen' or fear a foe, sae lang
+as Hairry Erskine lives."</p>
+
+<p>When the autocratic reign of Henry Dundas as Lord
+Advocate was for a time eclipsed, Henry Erskine was
+his successor in the Whig interest. In his good-humoured
+way Dundas proposed to lend Erskine his embroidered
+gown, suggesting that it would not be long
+before he (Dundas) would again be in office. "Thank
+you," said Hairry, "I am well aware it is made to suit
+any party, but it will never be said of me that I assumed
+the abandoned habits of my predecessor."</p>
+
+<p>Having been speaking in the Outer House at the
+Bar of Lord Swinton, a very good, but a very slow and
+deaf judge, Erskine was called away to Lord Braxfield's
+Court. On appearing his lordship said: "Well,
+Dean" (he was then Dean of the Faculty of Advocates),
+"what is this you've been talking so loudly about to
+my Lord Swinton?"&mdash;"About a cask of whisky, my
+lord, but I found it no easy matter to make it run in
+his lordship's head."</p>
+
+<p>He was once defending a client, a lady of the name
+of Tickell, before one of the judges who was an in<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_201" id="Page_201">[Pg 201]</a></span>timate
+friend, and he opened his address to his lordship
+in these terms: "Tickell, my client, my lord."
+But the judge was equal to the occasion and interrupted
+him by saying: "Tickle her yourself, Harry, you're
+as able to do it as I am."</p>
+
+<p>Lord Balmuto was a ponderous judge and not very
+"gleg in the uptak" (did not readily see a point), and
+retained the utmost gravity while the whole Court was
+convulsed with laughter at some joke of the witty Dean.
+Hours later, when another case was being heard, the
+judge would suddenly exclaim: "Eh, Maister Hairry,
+a' hae ye noo, a' hae ye noo, vera guid, vera guid."</p>
+
+<p>Hugo Arnot, a brother advocate, a tall, cadaverous-looking
+man, who suffered from asthma, was one day
+munching a speldin (a sun-dried whiting or small haddock,
+a favourite article supplied at that time, and till
+a generation ago, by certain Edinburgh shops). Erskine
+coming up to Arnot, the latter explained that he was
+having his lunch. "So I see," said Harry, "and you're
+very like your meat." On another occasion these two
+worthies were discussing future punishment for errors
+of the flesh, Arnot taking a liberal, and Erskine a
+strongly Calvinist view. As they were parting Erskine
+said to Arnot, referring to his spare figure:</p>
+
+<div class="poetryblock">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"For &mdash;&mdash; and blasphemy by the mercy of heaven<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To flesh and to blood much may be forgiven,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But I've searched all the Scriptures and text I find none<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That the same is extended to skin and to bone."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_202" id="Page_202">[Pg 202]</a></span></p>
+<p>Erskine's brother, the extremely eccentric Lord Buchan,
+who thought himself as great a jester as his two
+younger brothers, the Lord Chancellor of England and
+the Dean of Faculty of Advocates, one day putting
+his head below the lock of a door, exclaimed: "See,
+Harry, here's Locke on the Human Understanding."&mdash;"Rather
+a poor edition, my lord," replied the younger
+brother.</p>
+
+<p>Sir James Colquhoun, Baronet of Luss, Principal
+Clerk of Session, towards the close of the eighteenth
+century was one of the odd characters of his time, and
+was made the butt of all the wags of the Parliament
+House. On one occasion, whilst Henry Erskine was
+in the Court in which Sir James was on duty, he
+amused himself by making faces at the Principal Clerk,
+who was greatly annoyed at the strange conduct of
+the tormenting lawyer. Unable to bear it longer, he
+disturbed the gravity of the Court by rising from the
+table at which he sat and exclaiming, "My lord, my
+lord, I wish you would speak to Harry, he's aye making
+faces at me." Harry, however, looked as grave as
+a judge and the work of the Court proceeded, until Sir
+James, looking again towards the bar, witnessed a
+new grimace from his tormentor, and convulsed Bench,
+Bar, and audience by roaring out: "There, there, my
+lord, see he's at it again."</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_203" id="Page_203">[Pg 203]</a></span></p>
+<p>Hugo Arnot's eccentricity took various forms. In
+his house in South St. Andrew Street, in the new town
+of Edinburgh, he greatly annoyed a lady who lived in
+the same tenement by the violence with which he kept
+ringing his bell for his servant. The lady complained;
+but what was her horror next day to hear several pistol-shots
+fired in the house, which was Arnot's new
+method of demanding his valet's immediate attendance.</p>
+
+<p>In his professional capacity, however, he was guided
+by a high sense of honour and of moral obligation.
+In a case submitted for his consideration, which seemed
+to him to possess neither of these qualifications, he
+with a very grave face said to his client: "Pray what
+do you suppose me to be?"&mdash;"Why, sir," answered
+the client, "I understood you to be a lawyer."&mdash;"I
+thought, sir," replied Arnot, "you took me for a scoundrel."
+On another occasion he was consulted by a lady,
+not remarkable either for youth or beauty or for good
+temper, as to the best method of getting rid of the importunities
+of a rejected admirer. After having told her
+story and claiming a relationship with him because her
+own name was Arnot, she wound up with: "Ye maun
+advise me what I ought to do with this impertinent
+fellow."&mdash;"Oh, marry him by all means, it's the only
+way to get quit of his importunities," was Arnot's advice.
+"I would see him hanged first," retorted the lady.
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_204" id="Page_204">[Pg 204]</a></span>"Nay, madam," rejoined Arnot, "marry him directly
+as I said before, and by the Lord Harry he'll soon
+hang himself."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Of the convivial habits of the Bar as well as the
+Bench in Scotland at this period many stories are told.
+The Second Lord President Dundas once refused to
+listen to counsel who obviously showed signs of having
+come into Court fresh from a tavern debauch. The
+check given by the President appeared to effect some
+sobering of the counsel's faculties and he immediately
+addressed his lordship upon the dignity of the Faculty
+of Advocates, winding up a long harangue with: "It is
+our duty and our privilege to speak, my lord, and it is
+your duty and your privilege to hear."</p>
+
+<p>Another counsel in a similar condition of haziness
+hurriedly entered the Court and took up the case in
+which he was engaged; but forgetting for which side
+he had been fee'd, to the unutterable amazement of the
+agent, delivered a long and fervent speech in the teeth
+of the interests he had been expected to support. When
+at last the agent made him understand the mistake he
+had made, he with infinite composure resumed his oration
+by saying: "Such, my lord, is the statement you
+will probably hear from my brother on the opposite
+side of the case. I shall now show your lordship how
+utterly untenable are the principles and how distort<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_205" id="Page_205">[Pg 205]</a></span>ed
+are the facts upon which this very specious statement
+has proceeded." And so he went over the same
+ground and most angelically refuted himself from the
+beginning of his former pleading to the end.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 290px;">
+<a name="andrew_crosbie" id="andrew_crosbie"></a>
+<img src="images/andrew_crosbie.jpg" width="290" height="390" alt="ANDREW CROSBIE, ADVOCATE, &quot;Pleydell.&quot;" title="" />
+<span class="caption">ANDREW CROSBIE, ADVOCATE, &quot;Pleydell.&quot;</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>When a barrister, pleading before Lord Mansfield,
+pronounced a Latin word with a false quantity his
+lordship rarely let the opportunity pass without exhibiting
+his own precise knowledge of that language.
+"My lords," said the Scottish advocate, Crosbie, at the
+bar of the House of Lords, "I have the honour to appear
+before your lordships as counsel for the Cur&#259;tors."&mdash;"Ugh,"
+groaned the Westminster-Oxford law
+lord, softening his reproof by an allusion to his Scottish
+nationality, "Cur&#257;tors, Mr. Crosbie, Cur&#257;tors: I
+wish <i>our</i> countrymen would pay a little more attention
+to prosody."&mdash;"My lord," replied Mr. Crosbie, with
+delightful readiness and composure, "I can assure you
+that <i>our</i> countrymen are very proud of your lordship
+as the greatest sen&#257;tor and or&#257;tor of the present age."</p>
+
+<p>A very young Scottish advocate, afterwards an eminent
+judge on the Scottish Bench, pleading before the
+House of Lords, ventured to challenge some early
+judgments of that House, on which he was abruptly
+asked by Lord Brougham: "Do you mean, sir, to call
+in question the solemn decisions of this venerable
+tribunal?"&mdash;"Yes, my lord," coolly replied the young
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_206" id="Page_206">[Pg 206]</a></span>counsel, "there are some people in Scotland who are
+bold enough to dispute the soundness of some of your
+lordship's <i>own</i> decisions."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Sheriff Logan, when pleading before Lord Cunningham
+in a case which involved numerous points of
+form, on some of which he ventured to express an
+opinion, was repeatedly interrupted by old Beveridge,
+the judge's clerk&mdash;a great authority on matters of form&mdash;who
+unfortunately possessed a very large nasal organ,
+which literally overhung his mouth. "No, no,"
+said the clerk, as the sheriff was quietly explaining
+the practice in certain cases. On which Logan, somewhat
+nettled at the blunt interruption, coolly replied:
+"But, my lord, I say: 'Yes, yes, yes,' in spite of Mr.
+Beveridge's <i>noes</i>."</p>
+
+<p>In the days of Sheriff Harper, Mr. Richard Lees,
+solicitor, Galashiels, was engaged in a case for a client
+who was not overburdened with the necessary funds
+for legal proceedings. However, he was thought good
+enough for the expenses in the case. The action went
+against Mr. Lees' client, and then Mr. Lees rose to
+plead for modified expenses. But the client leant across
+to speak to the lawyer and said in a hoarse whisper
+audible over the Court: "Dinna stent (limit) yoursels
+for the expenses for a haena a fardin'." This was too
+much even for the gravity of the Bench.</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_207" id="Page_207">[Pg 207]</a></span></p>
+<p>Not many years ago, in the High Court at Glasgow,
+a case was heard before an eminent judge still on the
+Scottish Bench, in which the accused had committed
+a very serious assault and robbery. He was unable
+to engage counsel for his defence, and the usual
+course was adopted of putting his case in the hands of
+"counsel for the poor." There was really no defence;
+but the young advocate who undertook the task had to
+make the best of it, and the plea he put forward was
+that the accused was so drunk at the time he did not
+know what he was doing. It was the best thing he
+could do in the circumstances, as all the success he
+could expect to make with a well-known felon was a
+mitigation of the sentence. When it came to his time
+to address the Court, he set out in the following fashion:
+"My lord and gentlemen of the jury, you all know
+what it is to be drunk."</p>
+
+<p>It is most important to be exact in stating the times
+of the movements of a person accused of murder. In
+a recent case this point was very minutely examined
+by an advocate in the Scottish Court. One witness
+deponed that she saw the accused in a certain place
+at 5.40 <span class="smcap">P.M.</span> "Are you sure," asked the learned counsel
+in a tone calculated to make a witness not quite
+sure after all, "are you sure it was not twenty minutes
+to six?" And then he seemed surprised at the laughter
+his question had raised.</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_208" id="Page_208">[Pg 208]</a></span></p>
+<p>When Mr. Ludovick Mair, who was a very short
+man, was Sheriff-Substitute of Lanarkshire, he was
+called upon, at an Ayrshire Burns Club dinner, to propose
+the toast of the "Ayrshire Lasses." After alluding
+to the honour that had been conferred upon him,
+happily said that "Provided his fair clients were prepared
+to be 'contented wi' little and canty wi' mair,'
+he had no compunction in performing the agreeable
+duty."</p>
+
+<p>In the Glasgow Small Debt Court where the sheriff
+frequently presided, a young lawyer's exhaustive eloquence
+in striving to prove that his client was not due
+the sum sued for, drew from his lordship the following
+interruption: "Excuse me, sir, but throughout the conflict
+and turmoil engendered by this desperate dispute
+with the pursuer I presume the British Empire is not
+in any danger?"&mdash;"No, my lord," came the reply, "but
+I fear after that interrogation from your lordship my
+client's case is?"</p>
+
+<p>On one occasion the sheriff, becoming impatient
+with an agent's protracted speech, rebuked him thus:
+"Be brief, be brief, my dear sir; time is short and eternity
+is long!" And again on being asked by an agent
+not to allow a witty old Irishman to act as the spokesman
+of "the defendant" on the ground that the Irishman
+was not now in the defendant's employment, the
+sheriff sternly said to the would-be witness: "Now,
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_209" id="Page_209">[Pg 209]</a></span>answer me truthfully, mirthful Michael, are you or are
+you not in the defendant's employment?"&mdash;"Well, my
+lord of lords," was the reply, "that is to say, in the
+learned phraseology of the law, <i>pro tem</i> I am and
+<i>ultimo</i> and <i>proximo</i> I amn't."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Two stories are told of the late Sheriff Balfour. His
+lordship was addressing a prisoner at unusual length,
+when he was interrupted more than once by a <i>sotto
+voce</i> observation from his then clerk, who was very
+impatient when the luncheon hour drew near. Accustomed
+to this interruption, the sheriff, as a rule, took
+no notice of them. On this occasion, however, he threw
+down his quill with a show of annoyance, leaned back
+in his chair, and addressed the interrupter thus: "I
+say, Mr. &mdash;&mdash;, are you, or am I, sheriff here?" Promptly
+came the unabashed reply: "You, of course; but
+your lordship knows that this woman has been frequently
+here," meaning that it was idle to address
+words of counsel to the prisoner. On another occasion,
+the sheriff was pulled up by a male prisoner, who took
+exception to his version of the story of the crime, and
+concluded: "So you see I've got your lordship there."&mdash;"Have
+you?" was the sheriff's rejoinder. "No, but
+I've got you&mdash;three months hard."</p>
+
+<p>A law agent was talking at length against an
+opinion which Sheriff Balfour had already indicated.
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_210" id="Page_210">[Pg 210]</a></span>Twice the sheriff essayed in vain to stay the torrent
+that was flowing uselessly past the mill. At last, in a
+more decided tone, he asked the agent to allow him
+just one word, after which he would engage not to interrupt
+him again. "Certainly, milord," said the agent.
+"Decree," said the sheriff.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Counsel who are briefless and who spend much
+time in perambulating the floor of Parliament Hall
+should be as careful in their dress as their more fortunate
+neighbours who jostle each other in the lobbies as
+they rush from one Court to another. A company of
+Americans visiting the Courts one day made a casual
+inquiry of one of the advocates "in waiting," who
+politely offered to show them all that is to be seen. As
+they were leaving, one of the party caught hold of a
+passing solicitor and after apologising for stopping him
+inquired: "This&mdash;this&mdash;this gentleman has been very
+good in showing us over your beautiful place. Would
+it be correct to give him something?"&mdash;"Yes, certainly,"
+said the busy practitioner, "and it will be the first
+fee he has earned, to my knowledge, for the last ten
+years."</p>
+
+<p>An advocate of the present day, in trying to induce
+the Second Division of the Court of Session to reverse
+a decision pronounced in Glasgow Sheriff Court
+somewhat startled the Bench by reminding them that
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_211" id="Page_211">[Pg 211]</a></span>their lordships were only mortal after all. "Are you
+quite sure of that?" asked the presiding judge. Counsel
+judiciously refrained from replying to this poser.
+The incident recalls an occasion in the Second Division
+when it was presided over by Lord Justice-Clerk
+Moncreiff. A junior counsel was debating a case
+in the division, and, apparently finding he was not
+making much headway, invited their lordships to imagine
+for the moment that they were navvies, and to look
+at the question from the point of view of the worker.
+In stately tones the Lord Justice-Clerk informed the
+audacious junior that his invitation was unsuited to
+the dignity of the Court.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>A learned counsel at the Bar prided himself on the
+juvenility of his appearance, and boasted that he looked
+twenty years younger than he was. He was cross-examining
+a very prepossessing and uncommonly self-possessed
+young woman as to the age of a person
+whom she knew quite well, but could get no satisfactory
+answer. "Well," he persisted, "but surely you
+must have been able to make a good guess at his age,
+having seen him often."&mdash;"People don't always look
+their age."&mdash;"No, but you can surely form a good idea
+from their looks. Now, how old should you say I am?"
+"You might be sixty by your looks, but judging by the
+questions you ask I should say about sixteen!"</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_212" id="Page_212">[Pg 212]</a></span></p>
+<p>Much amusement is afforded by the answers given
+by witnesses to judges and counsel. They form the
+theme of legions of stories, and we append a selection
+to this chapter of legal wit of the Bar.</p>
+
+<p>An Irishman before Lord Ardwall was giving evidence
+on the question whether having lived eleven
+years in Glasgow he was a domiciled Scotsman. He
+swore that he was, and as a question of succession depended
+upon the domicile the point was of importance.
+The opposing counsel thought he had him cornered
+when on the list of voters for an Irish constituency he
+found the witness's name. But Pat was equal to the
+occasion. "It's a safe sate," he said; "they never revise
+the lists," and by way of clinching the argument, he
+added: "Shure there's men in Oireland who have
+been in their graves for twenty years who voted at the
+last election."</p>
+
+<p>Legal gentlemen sometimes resort to methods not
+quite in accordance with usual practice to elicit information
+from stubborn witnesses. In Glasgow Sheriff
+Court one day a somewhat long and involved question
+was addressed by the cross-examining agent to a witness
+who, from his stout build and imperturbable
+manner, looked the embodiment of Scottish caution.
+The witness, who was not to be so easily "had," having
+regarded his questioner with a steady gaze for the
+space of almost a minute, at last broke silence: "Would
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_213" id="Page_213">[Pg 213]</a></span>you mind, sir," said he, "just repeating that question,
+and splitting it into bits?" And after the Court had regained
+its composure the discomfited agent humbly
+proceeded to subdivide the question.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>In the old days when Highlanders "kist oot"
+(quarrelled) they resorted to the claymore, but the
+hereditary fighting spirit appears nowadays in an appeal
+to the law. Perth Sheriff Courts witness many a
+"bout" between the stalwarts, who are not amiss to
+clash all round if need be. "You must have been in
+very questionable company at the show?" inquired a
+sheriff of a farmer. "Weel, ma lord&mdash;you wis the last
+gentleman I spoke to that day as I was coming oot!"
+was his reply.</p>
+
+<p>The pointed insinuation to another witness in a
+claim case at the same Court. "I think I have seen you
+here rather often of late," drew the reply, "Nae doot,
+if a'm no takin' onybody here&mdash;then it's them that's
+takin' me!"</p>
+
+<p>Quite recently an old farmer in Perthshire, who had
+been rather severely cross-examined by the opposing
+counsel, had his sweet revenge when the sheriff, commenting
+on the case, inquired: "There seems to be a
+great deal of dram-dramming at C&mdash;&mdash; on Tuesdays, I
+imagine?"&mdash;"Aye, whiles," was the canny reply&mdash;and
+immediately following it up, as he pointed across at
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_214" id="Page_214">[Pg 214]</a></span>the rival lawyer, he continued&mdash;"an' that nicker ower
+there can tak' a bit dram wi' the best o' them!"</p>
+
+<p>A young advocate, as junior in a licensing club case,
+had to cross-examine the certifying Justice of the Peace
+who was very diffuse and rather evasive in his answers.
+"Speak a little more simply and to the point, please,"
+said counsel mildly. "You are a little ambiguous, you
+know."&mdash;"I am not, sir," replied the witness indignantly;
+"I have been teetotal for a year."</p>
+
+<p>It is a fact well known to lawyers that it is a risky
+thing to call witnesses to character unless you know
+exactly beforehand what they are going to say. Here
+is an instance in point. "You say you have known
+the prisoner all your life?" said the counsel. "Yes,
+sir," was the reply. "Now," was the next question,
+"in your opinion is he a man who is likely to have
+been guilty of stealing this money?"&mdash;"Well," said
+the witness thoughtfully, "how much was it?"</p>
+
+<p>In a County Sheriff Court his lordship addressed a
+witness: "You said you drove a milk-cart, didn't you?"
+"No, sir, I didn't."&mdash;"Don't you drive a milk-cart?"
+"No, sir."&mdash;"Ah! then what do you do, sir?"&mdash;"I drive
+a horse."</p>
+
+<p>A well-known lawyer not now in practice, who had
+risen from humble parentage to be Procurator Fiscal
+of his county, once got a sharp retort from a witness
+in Court. It was a case of law-burrows&mdash;well known
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_215" id="Page_215">[Pg 215]</a></span>in Scotland&mdash;which requires a person to give security
+against doing violence to another. A lady had assaulted
+a priest who in the discharge of his duty had been
+visiting her husband&mdash;a member of his flock. The
+lady was herself a Protestant, and suspected the reverend
+gentleman of designs on her husband's property
+for behoof of his Church. The witness in the box
+was prepared on every point, and the following dialogue
+ensued&mdash;P.F.: "Who was your father?" Lady:
+"My father was a gentleman." P.F.: "Yes, but who
+was he?" Lady: "He was a good man and much respected,
+although he didn't make such a noise in the
+world as yours." The P.F.'s father had been the town
+crier.</p>
+
+<p>Perhaps it was to the same lawyer who asked the
+question of a labouring man: "Are you the husband of
+the previous witness?" and got the answer: "I dinna
+ken onything aboot the previous witness, but if it was
+Mrs. &mdash;&mdash;, a'm her man."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>The macer who calls the cases coming before the
+judges in Court was in older days an interesting personality.
+Lord Cockburn recalls the time when this
+duty was performed by the "crier" putting his head
+out of a small window high up in the wall of the Parliament
+House and shouting down to the counsel and agents
+assembled below him. Now it is performed from
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_216" id="Page_216">[Pg 216]</a></span>a raised dais on the floor of the hall, and it is no joke
+when the macer has to call in stentorian tones such a
+case as "Dampskibsselskabet Danmary <i>v.</i> John Smith."
+Learned members of the Faculty approach such a difficulty
+otherwise. During "motions" one day an astute
+counsel said, "In number 11 of your lordship's roll."
+"What did you call it?" inquired the judge. "I called
+it number 11," na&iuml;vely replied counsel. The case was
+"Fiskiveidschlutafjelagid Island <i>v.</i> Standard Fishing
+Company."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>The administration of the oath in Courts of Justice
+is apt to become perfunctory, and some sheriffs shorten
+the formula, so that it is administered somewhat after
+this fashion: "I swearbalmitygod, that I will tell the
+truth, the wholetruth, anothingbuthetruth." There is
+one sheriff more punctilious, and recently he administered
+the oath to a female witness, making her recite
+it in sections after him. "I swear by Almighty God"
+(pause). Witness: "I swear by Almighty God."&mdash;"As
+I shall answer to God." Witness: "As I shall answer
+to God."&mdash;"At the Great Day of Judgment." The witness
+stumbled over this clause, and the sheriff had to
+repeat it twice. As she ran more glibly over the concluding
+words, the sheriff remarked: "It's extraordinary
+how many people come to this Court who seem
+never to have heard of that great occasion."</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_217" id="Page_217">[Pg 217]</a></span></p>
+<p>This is what took place in a Glasgow Court. Sheriff:
+"Repeat this after me, 'I swear by Almighty God.'"
+Witness: "I swear by Almighty God." Sheriff: "I
+will tell the truth." Witness: "I will tell the truth."
+Sheriff: "The whole truth." Witness: "I <span class="smcap">HOPE</span>
+so!"</p>
+
+<p>In Edinburgh Sheriff Small Debt Court the oath
+was administered to a witness who was dull of hearing.
+"I swear by Almighty God," said the sheriff. The witness
+put his hollowed hand to his ear and asked:
+"Wha dae ye sweer by?" Many Court reporters have
+heard a witness swear to tell "the truth, the whole
+truth, and anything but the truth"; and one old lady
+(mistaking certain words recited by the judge) affirmed
+her determination to tell the truth "with a great deal of
+judgment."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>As we indicated at the beginning of this volume,
+stories of wit and humour from the ranks of agents in
+the legal profession are much rarer than in those of the
+Bench and the Bar. From the <i>Court of Session Garland</i>
+we quote the following relating to a worthy practitioner
+in the days when Councillor Pleydell played
+"high jinks" in his favourite tavern.</p>
+
+<p>In old times some stray agents in Scotland might be
+found who were not particularly distinguished for professional
+attainments, and who sometimes could not
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_218" id="Page_218">[Pg 218]</a></span>"draw" a paper as it is termed. One of these worthies
+was impressed with the idea that his powers were
+equal to the preparation of a petition for the appointment
+of a factor. His clerk was summoned, pens, ink,
+and paper placed before him, and the process of dictation
+commenced: "Unto the Right Honourable."
+"Right Honourable," echoed the clerk. "The Lords
+of Council and Session."&mdash;"Session," continued the
+scribe&mdash;"the Petition of Alexander Macdonald, tenant
+in Skye&mdash;Skye&mdash;humbly sheweth&mdash;sheweth." "Stop,
+John, read what I've said."&mdash;"Yes, sir. 'Unto the
+Right Honourable the Lords of Council and Session
+the Petition of Alexander Macdonald, tenant in Skye,
+humbly sheweth.'"&mdash;"Very well, John, very well.
+Where did you stop?"&mdash;"Humbly sheweth&mdash;that the
+petitioner&mdash;petitioner"&mdash;here a pause for a minute&mdash;"that
+the petitioner. It's down, sir." Here the master
+got up, walked about the room, scratched his head,
+took snuff, but in vain; the inspiration had fled with
+the mysterious word "petitioner." The clerk looked
+up somewhat amazed that his master had got that
+length, and at last ventured to suggest that the difficulty
+might be got over. "How, John?" exclaimed his
+master. "As you have done the most important part,
+what would you say, sir, to send the paper to be finished
+by Mr. M&mdash;&mdash; with a guinea?"&mdash;"The very thing, John,
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_219" id="Page_219">[Pg 219]</a></span>tak' the paper to Mr. M&mdash;&mdash;, and as we've done the
+maist fickle pairt of the work he's deevilish weel aff wi'
+a guinea."</p>
+
+<p>We are indebted to the author of that capital collection
+of Scottish anecdote, <i>Thistledown</i>, for the following
+story, as illustrating one of the many humorous
+attempts to get the better of the law, and one in which
+the lawyer was "hoist with his own petard." A dealer
+having hired a horse to a lawyer, the latter, either
+through bad usage or by accident, killed the beast,
+upon which the hirer insisted upon payment of its
+value; and if it was not convenient to pay costs, he
+expressed his willingness to accept a bill. The lawyer
+offered no objection, but said he must have a long date.
+The hirer desired him to fix his own time, whereupon
+the writer drew a promissory note, making it payable
+at the day of judgment. An action ensued, when in
+defence, the lawyer asked the judge to look at the bill.
+Having done so, the judge replied: "The bill is perfectly
+good, sir; and as this is the day of judgment, I
+decree that you pay to-morrow."</p>
+
+<p>Joseph Gillon was a well-known Writer to the Signet
+early in the nineteenth century. Calling on him
+at his office one day, Sir Walter Scott said, "Why, Joseph,
+this place is as hot as an oven."&mdash;"Well," quoth
+Gillon, "and isn't it here that I make my bread?"</p>
+
+<p>A celebrated Scottish preacher and pastor was visiting
+the house of a solicitor who was one of his flock,
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_220" id="Page_220">[Pg 220]</a></span>but had a reputation of indulging in sharp practice.
+The minister was surprised to meet there two other
+members of his flock whose relations with the solicitor
+were not at the time known to be friendly or otherwise.
+In course of conversation the solicitor, alluding to some
+disputed point, appealed to the minister: "Doctor,
+these are members of your flock; may I ask whether
+you look on them as black or as white sheep?"&mdash;"I
+don't know," answered the minister, "whether they
+are black or white sheep; but this I know, that if they
+are long here they are pretty sure to be <i>fleeced</i>."</p>
+
+<p><i>Apropos</i> of this story is the one of a Scottish countrywoman
+who applied to a respectable solicitor for
+advice. After detailing all the circumstances of the case,
+she was asked if she had stated the facts exactly as
+they had occurred. "Ou ay, sir," rejoined the applicant;
+"I thought it best to tell you the plain truth;
+you can put the lees till't yoursel'."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The Lawyer's Toast</span></p>
+
+<p>At a dinner of a Scots Law Society, the president
+called upon an old solicitor present to give as a toast
+the person whom he considered the best friend of the
+profession. "Then," said the gentleman very slyly,
+"I'll give you 'The Man who makes his own will.'"</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_221" id="Page_221">[Pg 221]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_SEVEN" id="CHAPTER_SEVEN"></a>CHAPTER SEVEN<br />
+THE AMERICAN BENCH &amp; BAR</h2>
+
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_222" id="Page_222">[Pg 222]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"Going tew law is like skinning a new milch cow for the hide and
+giving the meat tew the lawyers."</p>
+
+<p>
+<span class="smcap">Josh Billings.</span><br />
+</p></div>
+
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"Oh, sir, you understand a conscience, but not law."</p>
+
+<p>
+<span class="smcap">Massinger</span>: <i>The Old Law</i>.<br />
+</p></div>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_223" id="Page_223">[Pg 223]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>CHAPTER SEVEN<br />
+THE AMERICAN BENCH &amp; BAR</h2>
+
+<p>The Rev. H. R. Haweis has defined "humour
+as the electric atmosphere, wit as the flash. A
+situation provides atmospheric humour, and with the
+culminating point of it comes the flash." This definition
+is peculiarly applicable to the humour of the
+Bench and Bar when the situation invariably provides
+the atmosphere for the wit. Not less so is this the
+case in American Courts than in British. Before Chief
+Justice Parsons was raised to the Bench, and when he
+was the leading lawyer of America, a client wrote, stating
+a case, requesting his opinion upon it, and enclosing
+twenty dollars. After the lapse of some time, receiving
+no answer, he wrote a second letter, informing
+him of his first communication. Parsons replied that
+he had received both letters, had examined the case
+and formed his opinion, but somehow or other "it stuck
+in his throat." The client understood this hint, sent
+him one hundred dollars, and received the opinion.<br /><br /></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 286px;">
+<a name="theophilus_parsons" id="theophilus_parsons"></a>
+<img src="images/theophilus_parsons.jpg" width="286" height="390" alt="THEOPHILUS PARSONS, CHIEF JUSTICE OF THE SUPREME COURT OF MASSACHUSETTS." title="" />
+<span class="caption">THEOPHILUS PARSONS, CHIEF JUSTICE OF THE SUPREME COURT OF MASSACHUSETTS.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>He was engaged in a heavy case which gave rise to
+many encounters between himself and the opposing
+counsel, Mr. Sullivan. During Parson's speech Sullivan
+picked up Parson's large black hat and wrote with
+a piece of chalk upon it: "This is the hat of a d&mdash;d
+rascal." The lawyers sitting round began to titter,
+which called attention to the hat, and the inscription
+soon caught the eye of Parsons, who at once said:
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_224" id="Page_224">[Pg 224]</a></span>"May it please your honour, I crave the protection of
+the Court, Brother Sullivan has been stealing my hat
+and writing his own name upon it."</p>
+
+<p>Parsons was considered a strong judge, and somewhat
+overbearing in his attitude towards counsel.
+One day he stopped Dexter, an eminent advocate, in
+the middle of his address to the jury, on the ground
+that he was urging a point unsupported by any evidence.
+Dexter hastily observed, "Your honour, did you
+argue your own cases in the way you require us to
+do?"&mdash;"Certainly not," retorted the judge; "but that
+was the judge's fault, not mine."</p>
+
+<p>Patrick Henry, "the forest-born Demosthenes," as
+Lord Byron called him, was defending an army commissary,
+who, during the distress of the American
+army in 1781, had seized some bullocks belonging to
+John Hook, a wealthy Scottish settler. The seizure
+was not quite legal, but Henry, defending, painted the
+hardships the patriotic army had to endure. "Where
+was the man," he said, "who had an American heart
+in his bosom who would not have thrown open his
+fields, his barbs, his cellars, the doors of his house,
+the portals of his breast, to have received with open
+arms the meanest soldier in that little band of famished
+patriots? Where is the man? <i>There</i> he stands; and
+whether the heart of an American beats in his bosom,
+you gentlemen are to judge." He then painted the
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_225" id="Page_225">[Pg 225]</a></span>surrender of the British troops, their humiliation and
+dejection, the triumph of the patriot band, the shouts
+of victory, the cry of "Washington and liberty," as it
+rang and echoed through the American ranks, and
+was reverberated from vale to hill, and then to heaven.
+"But hark! What notes of discord are these which disturb
+the general joy and silence, the acclamations of
+victory; they are the notes of <i>John Hook</i>, hoarsely
+bawling through the American camp&mdash;'Beef! beef!
+beef!'"</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>It is sometimes imagined that eloquent oratory is
+everything required of a good advocate, and certainly
+this idea must have been uppermost in the minds of
+the young American counsel who figure in the following
+stories. A Connecticut lawyer had addressed a
+long and impressive speech to a jury, of which this
+was his peroration: "And now the shades of night
+had wrapped the earth in darkness. All nature lay
+clothed in solemn thought, when the defendant ruffians
+came rushing like a mighty torrent from the
+mountains down upon the abodes of peace, broke open
+the plaintiff's house, separated the weeping mother
+from the screeching infant, and carried off&mdash;my
+client's rifle, gentlemen of the jury, for which we claim
+fifteen dollars."</p>
+
+<p>There was good excuse for adopting the "high-fa<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_226" id="Page_226">[Pg 226]</a></span>lutin"
+tone in the second instance, that it was the lawyer's
+first appearance. He was panting for distinction,
+and determined to convince the Court and jury that he
+was "born to shine." So he opened: "May it please the
+Court and gentlemen of the jury&mdash;while Europe is
+bathed in blood, while classic Greece is struggling for
+her rights and liberties, and trampling the unhallowed
+altars of the bearded infidels to dust, while the chosen
+few of degenerate Italy are waving their burnished
+swords in the sunlight of liberty, while America
+shines forth the brightest orb in the political sky&mdash;I,
+I, with due diffidence, rise to defend the cause of this
+humble hog thief."</p>
+
+<p>And this extract from a barrister's address "out
+West," some fifty years ago, surely could not fail to influence
+the jury in his client's behalf. "The law expressly
+declares, gentlemen, in the beautiful language
+of Shakespeare, that where a doubt of the prisoner
+exists, it is your duty to fetch him in innocent. If you
+keep this fact in view, in the case of my client, gentlemen,
+you will have the honour of making a friend of
+him and all his relations, and you can allus look upon
+this occasion and reflect with pleasure that you have
+done as you would be done by. But if, on the other
+hand, you disregard the principles of law and bring
+him in guilty, the silent twitches of conscience will follow
+you all over every fair cornfield, I reckon, and my
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_227" id="Page_227">[Pg 227]</a></span>injured and down-trodden client will be apt to light on
+you one of these dark nights as my cat lights on a saucerful
+of new milk."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>In a rural Justice Court in one of the Southern
+States the defendant in a case was sentenced to serve
+thirty days in jail. He had known the judge from boyhood,
+and addressed him as follows: "Bill, old boy,
+you're gwine to send me ter jail, air you?"&mdash;"That's
+so," replied the judge; "have you got anything to say
+agin it?"&mdash;"Only this, Bill: God help you when I git
+out."</p>
+
+<p>Daniel Webster was a clever and successful lawyer,
+who was engaged in many important causes in his day.
+In a case in one of the Virginian Courts he had for
+his opponent William Wirt, the biographer of Patrick
+Henry, a work which was criticised as a brilliant romance.
+In the progress of the case Webster brought
+forward a highly respectable witness, whose testimony
+(unless disproved or impeached) settled the case, and
+annihilated Wirt's client. After getting through his
+testimony, Webster informed his opponent, with a significant
+expression, that he had now closed his evidence,
+and his witness was at Wirt's service. The counsel
+for defence rose to cross-examine, but seemed for a
+moment quite perplexed how to proceed, but quickly
+assuming a manner expressive of his incredulity as to
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_228" id="Page_228">[Pg 228]</a></span>the facts elicited, and coolly eyeing the witness, said:
+"Mr. &mdash;&mdash;, allow me to ask you whether you have ever
+read a work called <i>Baron Munchausen</i>?" Before the
+witness had time to answer, Webster rose and said,
+"I beg your pardon, Mr. Wirt, for the interruption,
+but there was one question I forgot to ask my witness,
+and if you will allow me that favour I promise
+not to interrupt you again." Mr. Wirt in the blandest
+manner replied, "Yes, most certainly"; when Webster
+in the most deliberate and solemn manner, said,
+"Sir, have you ever read Wirt's <i>Life of Patrick
+Henry</i>?" The effect was so irresistible that even the
+judge could not control his rigid features. Wirt himself
+joined in the momentary laugh, and turning to
+Webster said: "Suppose we submit this case to jury
+without summing up"; which was assented to, and Mr.
+Webster's client won the case.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>In the year 1785 an Indian murdered a Mr. Evans
+at Pittsburg. When, after a confinement of several
+months, his trial was to be brought on, the chiefs of his
+nation were invited to be present at the proceedings
+and see how the trial would be conducted, as well as to
+speak in behalf of the accused, if they chose. These
+chiefs, however, instead of going as wished for, sent to
+the civil officers of that place the following laconic answer:
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_229" id="Page_229">[Pg 229]</a></span>"Brethren! you inform us that &mdash;&mdash;, who murdered
+one of your men at Pittsburg, is shortly to be
+tried by the laws of your country, at which trial you
+request that some of us may be present. Brethren!
+knowing &mdash;&mdash; to have been always a very bad man, we
+do not wish to see him. We therefore advise you to try
+him by your laws, and to hang him, so that he may
+never return to us again."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>There are many stories of the smart repartee of
+white and coloured witnesses and prisoners appearing
+before American judges, but the most of them bear
+such strong evidence of newspaper staff manufacture
+as to be unworthy of more permanent record than the
+weekly "fill up" they were designed for. Of the more
+reputable we select a few.</p>
+
+<p>Judge Emory Speer, of the southern district of
+Georgia, had before his Court a typical charge of
+illicit distilling. "What's your name?" demanded the
+eminent judge. "Joshua, jedge," drawled the prisoner.
+"Joshua who made the sun stand still?" smiled the
+judge, in amusement at the laconic answer. "No, sir. Joshua
+who made the moon shine," answered the quick-witted
+mountaineer. And it is needless to say that
+Judge Speer made the sentence as light as he possibly
+could, saying to his friends in telling the story that wit
+like that deserved some recompense.</p>
+
+<p>A newly qualified judge in Tennessee was trying
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_230" id="Page_230">[Pg 230]</a></span>his first criminal case. The accused was an old negro
+charged with robbing a hen-coop. He had been in
+Court before on a similar charge, and was then acquitted.
+"Well, Tom," began the judge, "I see you're in
+trouble again."&mdash;"Yes, sah," replied the negro. "The
+last time, jedge, you was ma lawyer."&mdash;"Where is
+your lawyer this time?" asked the judge. "I ain't got
+no lawyer this time," answered Tom. "I'm going to
+tell the truth."</p>
+
+<p>Judge M. W. Pinckney tells the story of a coloured
+man, Sam Jones by name, who was on trial at Dawson
+City, for felony. The judge asked Sam if he desired the
+appointment of a lawyer to defend him. "No, sah,"
+Sam replied, "I'se gwine to throw myself on the ignorance
+of the cote."</p>
+
+<p>A Southern lawyer tells of a case that came to him
+at the outset of his career, wherein his principal witness
+was a negro named Jackson, supposed to have
+knowledge of certain transactions not at all to the
+credit of his employer, the defendant. "Now, Jackson,"
+said the lawyer, "I want you to understand the importance
+of telling the truth when you are put on the stand.
+You know what will happen, don't you, if you don't tell
+the truth?"&mdash;"Yessir," was Jackson's reply; "in dat
+case I expects our side will win de case."</p>
+
+<p>When Senator Taylor was Governor of Tennessee,
+he issued a great many pardons to men and women
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_231" id="Page_231">[Pg 231]</a></span>confined in penitentiaries or jails in that State. His
+reputation as a "pardoning Governor" resulted in his
+being besieged by everybody who had a relative incarcerated.
+One morning an old negro woman made her
+way into the executive offices and asked Taylor to pardon
+her husband, who was in jail. "What's he in for?"
+asked the Governor. "Fo' nothin' but stealin' a ham,"
+explained the wife. "You don't want me to pardon
+him," argued the Governor. "If he got out he would
+only make trouble for you again."&mdash;"'Deed I does
+want him out ob dat place!" she objected. "I needs
+dat man."&mdash;"Why do you need him?" inquired Taylor,
+patiently. "Me an' de chillun," she said, seriously,
+"needs another ham."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Etiquette in the matter of dress was, in early days,
+of little or no consequence with American lawyers,
+especially in the Southern States. In South Carolina
+this neglect of the rigid observance of English rules
+on the part of Mr. Petigru, a well-known barrister,
+gave rise to the following passage between the Bench
+and the Bar.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Petigru," said the judge, "you have on a light
+coat. You can't speak."</p>
+
+<p>"May it please the Bench," said the barrister, "I
+conform strictly to the law. Let me illustrate. The
+law says the barrister shall wear a black gown and
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_232" id="Page_232">[Pg 232]</a></span>coat, and your honour thinks that means a black
+coat?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said the judge.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, the law also says the sheriff shall wear a
+cocked hat and sword. Does your honour hold that
+the sword must be cocked as well as the hat?"</p>
+
+<p>He was permitted to go on.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>In the United States, as elsewhere, the average juryman
+is not very well versed in the fine distinctions of
+the law. On these it is the judge's duty to instruct him.
+What guidance the jury got from the explanation of
+what constitutes murder is not quite clear to the lay
+mind, however satisfactory it may have appeared to
+the judge.</p>
+
+<p>"Gentlemen," he stated, with admirable lucidity,
+"murder is where a man is murderously killed. The
+killer in such a case is a murderer. Now, murder by
+poison is just as much murder as murder with a gun,
+pistol, or knife. It is the simple act of murdering that
+constitutes murder in the eye of the law. Don't let the
+idea of murder and manslaughter confound you. Murder
+is one thing; manslaughter is quite another. Consequently,
+if there has been a murder, and it is not
+manslaughter, then it must be murder. Don't let this
+point escape you."</p>
+
+<p>"Self-murder has nothing to do with this case. Ac<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_233" id="Page_233">[Pg 233]</a></span>cording
+to Blackstone and other legal writers, one man
+cannot commit <i>felo-de-se</i> upon another; and this is my
+opinion. Gentlemen, murder is murder. The murder
+of a brother is called fratricide; the murder of a father
+is called parricide, but that don't enter into this case.
+As I have said before, murder is emphatically murder."</p>
+
+<p>"You will consider your verdict, gentlemen, and
+make up your minds according to the law and the evidence,
+not forgetting the explanation I have given you."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>There is a delightful frankness about the address
+submitted to the electors by a candidate who solicited
+their support for the position of sheriff in one of the
+provinces of the United States, but its honesty cannot
+be questioned:</p>
+
+<p>"Gentlemen, I offer myself a candidate for sheriff; I
+have been a revolutionary officer; fought many bloody
+battles, suffered hunger, toil, heat; got honourable
+scars, but little pay. I will tell you plainly how I shall
+discharge my duty should I be so happy as to obtain a
+majority of your suffrages. If writs are put into my
+hands against any of you, I will take you if I can, and,
+unless you can get bail, I will deliver you over to the
+keeper of the gaol. Secondly, if judgments are found
+against you, and executions directed to me, I will sell
+your property as the law directs, without favour or affection;
+if there be any surplus money, I will punct<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_234" id="Page_234">[Pg 234]</a></span>ually
+remit it. Thirdly, if any of you should commit a
+crime (which God forbid!) that requires capital punishment,
+according to law, I will hang you up by the neck
+till you are dead."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 291px;">
+<a name="rufus_choate" id="rufus_choate"></a>
+<img src="images/rufus_choate.jpg" width="291" height="390" alt="RUFUS CHOATE, LEADER OF THE MASSACHUSETTS BAR." title="" />
+<span class="caption">RUFUS CHOATE, LEADER OF THE MASSACHUSETTS BAR.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Rufus Choate was designated <i>the</i> leader of the Massachusetts
+Bar&mdash;a distinctive title which long outlived
+him and marked the sense of esteem in which he
+was held by his brother lawyers, as well as indicating
+his outstanding ability and success.</p>
+
+<p>In 1841 a divorce case was tried in America, and a
+young woman named Abigail Bell was the chief witness
+of the adultery of the wife. Sumner, for the defence,
+cross-examined Abigail. "Are you married?"&mdash;"No."&mdash;"Any
+children?"&mdash;"No."&mdash;"Have you a child?"
+Here there was a long pause, and then at last the witness
+feebly replied, "Yes." Sumner sat down with an
+air of triumph. Rufus Choate was advocate for the
+husband, who claimed the divorce, and after enlarging
+on other things, said, "Gentlemen, Abigail Bell's evidence
+is before you." Raising himself proudly, he continued,
+"I solemnly assert there is not the shadow of
+a shade of doubt or suspicion on that evidence or on
+her character." Everybody looked surprised, and he
+went on: "What though in an unguarded moment she
+may have trusted too much to the young man to whom
+she had pledged her untried affections; to whom she
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_235" id="Page_235">[Pg 235]</a></span>was to be wedded on the next Lord's Day; and who
+was suddenly struck dead at her feet by a stroke of
+lightning out of the heavens!" This was delivered with
+such tragic effect that Choate, majestically pausing,
+saw the jury had taken the cue, and he went on triumphantly
+to the end. He afterwards told his friends
+that he had a right to make any supposition consistent
+with the witness's innocence.</p>
+
+<p>A client went to consult him as to the proper redress
+for an intolerable insult and wrong he had just
+suffered. He had been in a dispute with a waiter at the
+hotel, who in a paroxysm of rage and contempt told
+the client "to go to &mdash;&mdash;." "Now," said the client,
+"I ask you, Mr. Choate, as one learned in the law, and
+as my legal adviser, what course under these circumstances
+I ought to take to punish this outrageous insult."
+Choate looked grave, and told the client to repeat
+slowly all the incidents preceding this outburst,
+telling him to be careful not to omit anything, and
+when this was done Choate stood for a while as if in
+deep thought and revolving an abstruse subject; he
+then gravely said: "I have been running over in my
+head all the statutes of the United States, and all the
+statutes of the commonwealth of Massachusetts, and
+all the decisions of all the judges in our Courts therein,
+and I may say that I am thoroughly satisfied that there
+is nothing in any of them that will require you to go
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_236" id="Page_236">[Pg 236]</a></span>to the place you have mentioned. And if you will take
+my advice then I say decidedly&mdash;<i>don't go</i>."</p>
+
+<p>Choate defended a blacksmith whose creditor had
+seized some iron that a friend had lent him to assist
+in the business after a bankruptcy. The seizure of the
+iron was said to have been made harshly. Choate thus
+described it: "He arrested the arm of industry as it
+fell towards the anvil; he put out the breath of his
+bellows; he extinguished the fire upon his hearthstone.
+Like pirates in a gale at sea, his enemies swept
+everything by the board, leaving, gentlemen of the
+jury, not so much&mdash;not so much as a horseshoe to nail
+upon the doorpost to keep the witches off." The blacksmith,
+sitting behind, was seen to have tears in his
+eyes at this description, and a friend noticing it, said,
+"Why, Tom, what's the matter with you? What are
+you blubbering about?"&mdash;"I had no idea," said Tom
+in a whisper, "that I had been so abominably ab-ab-bused."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>A veteran member of the Baltimore Bar tells of an
+amusing cross-examination in a Court of that city.
+The witness seemed disposed to dodge the questions
+of counsel for the defence. "Sir," admonished the
+counsel sternly, "you need not tell us your impressions.
+We want facts. We are quite competent to form
+our own impressions. Now, sir, answer me categoric<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_237" id="Page_237">[Pg 237]</a></span>ally."
+From that time on he got little more than "yes"
+and "no" from the witness. Presently counsel asked:
+"You say that you live next door to the defendant."&mdash;"Yes."&mdash;"To
+the south of him?"&mdash;"No."&mdash;"To the
+north?"&mdash;"No."&mdash;"Well, to the east then?"&mdash;"No."&mdash;"Ah,"
+exclaimed the counsel sarcastically, "we are
+likely now to get down to the one real fact. You live to
+the west of him, do you not?"&mdash;"No."&mdash;"How is that,
+sir?" the astounded counsel asked. "You say you live
+next door to the defendant, yet he lives neither north,
+south, east, or west of you. What do you mean by
+that, sir?" Whereupon the witness "came back." "I
+thought perhaps you were competent to form the impression
+that we lived in a flat," said the witness calmly;
+"but I see I must inform you that he lives next door
+above me."</p>
+
+<p>In the Supreme Court of the United States the President
+interrupted counsel in the course of a long
+speech by saying: "Mr. Jones, you must give this
+Court credit for knowing <i>something</i>."&mdash;"That's all
+very well," replied the advocate (who came from a
+Western State), "but that's exactly the mistake I made
+in the Court below."</p>
+
+<p>In a suit for damages against a grasping railway
+corporation for killing a cow, the attorney for the
+plaintiff, addressing the twelve Arkansas good men
+and true who were sitting in judgment, and on their
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_238" id="Page_238">[Pg 238]</a></span>respective shoulder-blades, said: "Gentlemen of the
+jury, if the train had been running as slow as it should
+have been ran, if the bell had been rung as it 'ort to
+have been rang, or the whistle had been blown as it
+'ort to have been blew, none of which was did, the cow
+would not have been injured when she was killed."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Although not strictly a story of either the Bench or
+the Bar of America, it is so pertinent to the latter that
+we cannot omit the following told by the Scottish
+clergyman, the late Dr. Gillespie of Mouswold, in his
+amusing collection of anecdotes.</p>
+
+<p>A young American lady was his guest at the manse
+while a young Scottish advocate was spending a holiday
+in the neighbourhood. He was invited to dine at
+the manse, and took the young lady in to dinner, and
+kept teasing her in a lively, good-natured manner about
+American people and institutions, while it may be
+guessed his neighbour held her own, as most American
+girls are well able to do. At length the advocate asked,
+"Miss &mdash;&mdash;, have you any lawyers in America?" She
+knowing what profession he belonged to replied quick
+as thought, "Oh yes, Mr. &mdash;&mdash;, lots of lawyers. I've
+a brother a lawyer. Whenever we've a member of
+a family a bigger liar than another, we make him a
+lawyer."</p>
+
+<p>A quaint decision was given by Judge Kimmel, of
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_239" id="Page_239">[Pg 239]</a></span>the Supreme Court at St. Louis, in an application for
+divorce by Mrs. Quan. The judge directed Patrick J.
+Egan, a policeman, to supervise the domestic affairs
+of the couple, and to visit their home daily for thirty
+days. After questioning the wife closely on her attitude
+towards her husband and his treatment of her,
+Egan wrote down for the wife's guidance a long array
+of precepts. Among these were the following:</p>
+
+<p>"Don't remonstrate with your husband when he
+has been drinking. Wait until next morning. Then
+give him a cup of coffee for his headache. Afterwards
+lead him into the parlour, put your arms about him,
+and give him a lecture. It will have more weight with
+him than any number of quarrels.</p>
+
+<p>"If he has to drink, let him have it at home.</p>
+
+<p>"Avoid mothers-in-law. Don't let them live with
+you or interfere in your affairs.</p>
+
+<p>"If you must have your own way, do not let your
+husband know you are trying to boss him. Have your
+own way by letting him think he is having his.</p>
+
+<p>"Dress to suit your husband's taste and income.
+Husbands usually don't like their wives to wear tight
+dresses. Consult him on these matters.</p>
+
+<p>"Don't be jealous or give your husband cause for
+jealousy.</p>
+
+<p>"When your husband is in a bad humour, be in a
+good humour. It may be difficult, but it will pay."</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_240" id="Page_240">[Pg 240]</a></span></p>
+<p>The policeman-philosopher's precepts were duly
+printed, framed, and placed against the wall of the family
+sitting-room. After paying only fifteen of the thirty
+visits to the house directed by the judge, the results
+could not have been more gratifying. Mr. and Mrs.
+Quan were delighted, and presented the guide to martial
+bliss with a handsome token of their gratitude in
+the form of a gold watch.</p>
+
+<p>Many of the droll sayings of the American Bench
+of past years are attributable to the fact that the judges
+were appointed by popular vote, and the successful
+candidate was not always a man of high attainments
+in the practice of his profession at the Bar, or of profound
+learning in the laws of his country. Too often
+he was a man of no better education than the mass of
+litigants upon whose causes he was called to adjudicate.
+For instance, a Kentuckian judge cut short a
+tedious and long-winded counsel by suddenly breaking
+into his speech with: "If the Court is right, and
+she thinks she air, why, then, you are wrong, and you
+knows you is. Shut up!"</p>
+
+<p>"What are you reading from?" demanded Judge
+Dowling, who had in his earlier life been a fireman and
+later a police officer. "From the statutes of 1876, your
+honour," was the reply. "Well, you needn't read any
+more," retorted the judge; "I'm judge in this Court,
+and my statutes are good enough law for anybody."
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_241" id="Page_241">[Pg 241]</a></span>A codified law and precedent cases were of no account
+to this "equity" judge.</p>
+
+<p>But these are mild instances of the methods of early
+American judges compared with the summing up of
+Judge Rodgers&mdash;Old Kye, as he was called&mdash;in an
+action for wrongful dismissal brought before him by
+an overseer. "The jury," said his honour, "will take
+notice that this Court is well acquainted with the nature
+of the case. When this Court first started in the world
+it followed the business of overseering, and if there is
+a business which this Court understands, it's hosses,
+mules, and niggers; though this Court never overseed
+in its life for less than eight hundred dollars. And this
+Court in hoss-racing was always naterally gifted; and
+this Court in running a quarter race whar the hosses
+was turned could allers turn a hoss so as to gain fifteen
+feet in a race; and on a certain occasion it was
+one of the conditions of the race that Kye Rodgers
+shouldn't turn narry of the hosses." Surely it must
+have been Old Kye who, upon taking his official seat
+for the first time, said: "If this Court know her duty,
+and she thinks she do, justice will walk over this track
+with her head and tail up."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>On a divorce case coming before a Western administrator
+of the law, Judge A. Smith, he thus addressed
+the plaintiff's counsel, who was awaiting the arrival of
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_242" id="Page_242">[Pg 242]</a></span>his opponent to open proceedings. "I don't think people
+ought to be compelled to live together when they don't
+want to do so. I will decree a divorce in this case."
+Thereupon they were declared to be no longer man and
+wife. At this juncture the defendant's counsel entered
+the Court and expressed surprise that the judge had
+not at least heard one side of the case, much less both
+sides, and protested against such over-hasty proceedings.
+But to all his protestations the judge turned a
+deaf ear; only informing him that no objections could
+now be raised after decree had been pronounced.
+"But," he added, "if you want to argue the case 'right
+bad,' the Court will marry the couple again, and you
+can then have your say out."</p>
+
+<p>Breach of promise cases generally afford plenty of
+amusement to the public, both in the United States
+and Great Britain, but it is only in early American
+Courts that we hear of a judge adding to the hilarity
+by congratulating the successful party to the suit. A
+young American belle sued her faithless sweetheart,
+and claimed damages laid at one hundred dollars. The
+defendant pleaded that after an intimate acquaintance
+with the family, he found it was impossible to live
+comfortably with his intended mother-in-law, who was
+to take up residence with her daughter after the marriage,
+and he refused to fulfil his promise. "Would
+you rather live with your mother-in-law, or pay <i>two hundred</i>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_243" id="Page_243">[Pg 243]</a></span>
+dollars?" inquired the judge. "Pay two hundred
+dollars," was the prompt reply. Said the judge:
+"Young man, let me shake hands with you. There
+was a time in my life when I was in the same situation
+as you are in now. Had I possessed your firmness, I
+should have been spared twenty-five years of trouble.
+I had the alternative of marrying or paying a hundred
+and twenty-five dollars. Being poor, I married; and
+for twenty-five years have I regretted it. I am happy
+to meet with a man of your stamp. The plaintiff must
+pay ten dollars and costs for having thought of putting
+a gentleman under the dominion of a mother-in-law."</p>
+
+<p>The charms of the female sex were more susceptible
+to the Iowa judge than to his brother of the former
+story. This worthy refused to fine a man for kissing a
+young lady against her will, because the complainant
+was so pretty that "nothing but the Court's overwhelming
+sense of dignity prevented the Court from
+kissing her itself."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>"A fellow-feeling makes one wondrous kind," wrote
+Garrick, and something of this nature must have actuated
+Judge Bela Brown in a case in a Circuit Court of
+Georgia. The judge was an able lawyer, and right good
+boon companion among his legal friends. The night
+before the Court opened he joined the Circuit barristers
+at a tavern kept by one Sterrit, where the company
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_244" id="Page_244">[Pg 244]</a></span>enjoyed themselves "not wisely, but too well." Next
+morning the judge was greatly perturbed to find a
+quantity of silver spoons in his pocket, which had been
+placed there by a wag of the company as the judge
+left the tavern the night before. "Was I tipsy when I
+came home last night?" timidly asked the judge of his
+wife. "Yes," said she; "you know your habits when
+you get among your lawyer friends."&mdash;"Well," responded
+the judge, "that fellow keeps the meanest
+liquor in the States; but I never thought it was so bad
+as to induce a man to steal."</p>
+
+<p>Before the close of the Court a man was arraigned
+for larceny, who pleaded guilty, but put forward the
+extenuating circumstance that he was drunk and
+didn't know what he was doing. "What is the nature
+of the charge," asked Judge Brown. "Stealing money
+from Sterrit's till," replied the clerk. "Are you sure
+you were tipsy when you took this money?"&mdash;"Yes,
+your honour; when I went out of doors the ground kept
+coming up and hitting me on the head."&mdash;"That will
+do. Did you get all your liquor at Sterrit's?"&mdash;"Every
+drop, sir." Turning to the prosecuting attorney the
+judge said, "You will do me the favour of entering a
+<i>nolle prosequi</i>; that liquor of Sterrit's I have reason to
+know is enough to make a man do anything dirty. I
+got tipsy on it myself the other night and stole all his
+spoons. If Sterrit will sell such abominable stuff he
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_245" id="Page_245">[Pg 245]</a></span>ought not to have the protection of this Court&mdash;Mr.
+Sheriff, you may release the prisoner."</p>
+
+<p>The judge of a Court in Nevada dealt differently
+with a man who, charged with intoxication, thought
+to gain acquittal by a whimsical treatment of his
+offence. On being asked whether he was rightly or
+wrongly charged he pleaded, "Not guilty, your honour.
+Sunstroke!"&mdash;"Sunstroke?" queried Judge Cox.
+"Yes, sir; the regular New York variety."&mdash;"You've
+had sunstroke a good deal in your time, I believe?"&mdash;"Yes,
+your honour; but this last attack was most severe."&mdash;"Does
+sunstroke make you rush through the
+streets offering to fight the town?"&mdash;"That's the effect
+precisely."&mdash;"And makes you throw brickbats at
+people?"&mdash;"That's it, judge. I see you understand the
+symptoms, and agree with the best recognised authorities,
+who hold it inflames the organs of combativeness
+and destructiveness. When a man of my temperament
+gets a good square sunstroke he's liable to
+do almost anything."&mdash;"Yes; you are quite right&mdash;liable
+to go to jail for fifteen days. You'll go down with
+the policeman at once." With that observation the
+conversation naturally closed, and the victim of so-called
+sunstroke "went down."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>"Sheriff, remove the prisoner's hat," said a judge in
+the Court of Keatingville, Montana, when he noticed
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_246" id="Page_246">[Pg 246]</a></span>that the culprit before him had neglected to do so.
+The sheriff obeyed instructions by knocking off the
+hat with his rifle. The prisoner picked it up, and clapping
+it on his head again, shouted, "I am bald, judge."
+Once more it was "removed" by the sheriff, while the
+indignant judge rose and said, "I fine you five dollars
+for contempt of Court&mdash;to be committed until the fine
+is paid." The offender approached the judge, and laying
+down half a dollar remarked, "Your sentence,
+judge, is most ungentlemanly; but the law is imperative
+and I will have to stand it; so here is half a dollar,
+and the four dollars and a half you owed me when we
+stopped playing poker this morning makes us square."</p>
+
+<p>The card-playing administrator of law must have
+felt as small as his brother-judge who priced a cow at
+an Arkansas cattle-market. Seeing one that took his
+fancy he asked the farmer what he wanted for her.
+"Thirty dollars, and she'll give you five quarts of milk
+if you feed her well," said the farmer. "Why," quoth
+the judge, "I have cows not much more than half her
+size which give twenty quarts of milk a day." The
+farmer eyed the would-be purchaser of the cow very
+hard, as if trying to remember if he had met him before,
+and then inquired where he lived. "My home is in
+Iowa," replied the judge. "Yes, stranger, I don't dispute
+it. There were heaps of soldiers from Iowa down
+here during the war, and they were the worst liars in
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_247" id="Page_247">[Pg 247]</a></span>the whole Yankee army. Maybe you were an officer
+in one of them regiments." Then the judge returned to
+his Court duties.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Judge Kiah Rodgers already figures in a story, and
+here we give his address to a delinquent when he
+presided at a Court in Louisiana. "Prisoner, stand up!
+Mr. Kettles, this Court is under the painful necessity
+of passing sentence of the law upon you. This Court
+has no doubt, Mr. Kettles, but what you were brought
+into this scrape by the use of intoxicating liquors. The
+friends of this Court all know that if there is any vice
+this Court abhors it is intoxication. When this Court
+was a young man, Mr. Kettles, it was considerably inclined
+to drink, and the friends of this Court know
+that this Court has naterally a very high temper; and
+if this Court had not stopped short off, I have no doubt,
+sir, but what this Court, sir, would have been in the
+penitentiary or in its grave."</p>
+
+<p>There was a strong sense of duty to humanity, as
+well as seeing justice carried out, in the Californian
+sheriff after an interview with a self-confessed murderer,
+who desired to be sent to New York to be
+tried, when he addressed the prisoner: "So your conscience
+ain't easy, and you want to be hanged?" said
+the sheriff. "Well, my friend, the county treasury ain't
+well fixed at present, and I don't want to take any
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_248" id="Page_248">[Pg 248]</a></span>risks, in case you're not the man, and are just fishing
+for a free ride. Besides, those New York Courts can't
+be trusted to hang a man. As you say, you deserve to
+be killed, and your conscience won't be easy till you
+are killed, and as it can't make any difference to you
+or to society how you are killed, I guess I'll do the job
+myself!" and his hand moved to his pocket; but before
+he could pull out the revolver and level it at the murderer,
+that conscience-stricken individual was down
+the road and out of killing distance.</p>
+
+<p>Like the sailor who objected to his captain undertaking
+the double duty of flogging and preaching,
+prisoners do not appreciate the judge who delivers
+sentence upon them and at the same time admonishes
+them in a long speech. After being sentenced a Californian
+prisoner was thus reproached by a judge for
+his lack of ambition:</p>
+
+<p>"Where is it, sir? Where is it? Did you ever hear
+of Cicero taking free lunches? Did you ever hear that
+Plato gamboled through the alleys of Athens? Did you
+ever hear Demosthenes accused of sleeping under a
+coal-shed? If you would be a Plato, there would be a
+fire in your eye; your hair would have an intellectual
+cut; you'd step into a clean shirt; and you'd hire a
+mowing-machine to pare those finger-nails. You have
+got to go up for four months!"</p>
+
+<p>In conclusion we return to the jury-box of a New
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_249" id="Page_249">[Pg 249]</a></span>York Court for the story of a well-known character
+who frequently was called to act along with other good
+men and true. As soon as they had retired to deliberate
+on the evidence they had heard, he would button up
+his coat and "turn in" on a bench, exclaiming, "Gentlemen,
+I'm for bringing in a verdict for the plaintiff
+(or the defendant, as he had settled in his mind), and
+all Creation can't move me. Therefore as soon as
+you have all agreed with me, wake me up
+and we'll go in."</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_250" id="Page_250">[Pg 250]</a></span><br /></p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_251" id="Page_251">[Pg 251]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="LENVOI" id="LENVOI"></a>L'ENVOI</h2>
+
+<div class="poetryblock">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0smcap">"the task is ended, and aside we fling<br /></span>
+<span class="i0smcap">the musty books tied up with legal string;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0smcap">and so good night, since we our say have said,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0smcap">shut up the volume and proceed to bed;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0smcap">and dream, dear reader, of a future, when<br /></span>
+<span class="i0smcap">a lawyer may shake hands with you again."</span><br />
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Willock</span>: <i>Legal Faceti&aelig;</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_252" id="Page_252">[Pg 252]</a></span><br /></p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_253" id="Page_253">[Pg 253]</a></span></p>
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_254" id="Page_254">[Pg 254]</a></span><br /></p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_255" id="Page_255">[Pg 255]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="INDEX" id="INDEX"></a>INDEX</h2>
+
+
+<p>
+Abbot, Mr. Justice, <a href="#Page_43">43</a><br />
+<br />
+Abinger, Lord, <a href="#Page_35">35</a>, <a href="#Page_36">36</a>, <a href="#Page_42">42</a><br />
+<br />
+Adam, H. L., <a href="#Page_80">80</a>, <a href="#Page_101">101</a><br />
+<br />
+Adams, Serjeant, <a href="#Page_85">85</a><br />
+<br />
+Adolphus, John, <a href="#Page_76">76</a><br />
+<br />
+Alderson, Baron, <a href="#Page_45">45</a><br />
+<br />
+Alemoor, Lord, <a href="#Page_156">156</a><br />
+<br />
+Allen, Serjeant, <a href="#Page_68">68</a><br />
+<br />
+Alverstone, Lord, <a href="#Page_62">62</a><br />
+<br />
+Andrews, W., <a href="#Page_26">26</a>, <a href="#Page_99">99</a><br />
+<br />
+Anne, Queen, <a href="#Page_107">107</a>, <a href="#Page_159">159</a><br />
+<br />
+Archibald, Mr. Justice, <a href="#Page_94">94</a><br />
+<br />
+Ardwall, Lord, <a href="#Page_193">193</a>, <a href="#Page_212">212</a><br />
+<br />
+Arnot, Hugo, <a href="#Page_201">201</a>, <a href="#Page_203">203</a><br />
+<br />
+Atkinson, Mrs., <a href="#Page_90">90</a><br />
+<br />
+Auchinleck, Lord, <a href="#Page_155">155</a><br />
+<br />
+Avonmore, Lord, <a href="#Page_119">119-122</a>, <a href="#Page_131">131</a>, <a href="#Page_133">133</a><br />
+<br />
+Avory, Lord, <a href="#Page_62">62</a>, <a href="#Page_63">63</a><br />
+<br />
+<br />
+Bacon, Lord, <a href="#Page_68">68</a><br />
+<br />
+Bacon, Sir Nicholas, <a href="#Page_5">5</a><br />
+<br />
+Bacon, Vice-Chancellor, <a href="#Page_38">38</a>, <a href="#Page_54">54</a><br />
+<br />
+Baird, Mr., of Cambusdoon, <a href="#Page_192">192</a><br />
+<br />
+Baldwin, Mr., <a href="#Page_83">83</a><br />
+<br />
+Balfour, Sheriff, <a href="#Page_209">209</a><br />
+<br />
+Ballantine, Serjeant, <a href="#Page_81">81</a>, <a href="#Page_88">88</a><br />
+<br />
+Balmuto, Lord, <a href="#Page_201">201</a><br />
+<br />
+Bannatyne, Lord, <a href="#Page_165">165</a><br />
+<br />
+Barjarg, Lord, <a href="#Page_156">156</a><br />
+<br />
+Bell, Abigail, <a href="#Page_234">234</a><br />
+<br />
+Bethel, I. B., <a href="#Page_136">136</a><br />
+<br />
+Birrell, Augustine, <a href="#Page_89">89</a><br />
+<br />
+Blair, Lord President, <a href="#Page_170">170</a><br />
+<br />
+Blair, Thomas W., <a href="#Page_159">159</a><br />
+<br />
+Boswell, James, <a href="#Page_155">155</a>, <a href="#Page_165">165</a><br />
+<br />
+Bowen, Lord, <a href="#Page_53">53</a>, <a href="#Page_54">54</a><br />
+<br />
+Boyd, Judge, <a href="#Page_135">135</a><br />
+<br />
+Boyle, Lord Justice-Clerk, <a href="#Page_175">175</a><br />
+<br />
+Braxfield, Lord, <a href="#Page_155">155</a>, <a href="#Page_182">182</a>, <a href="#Page_183">183</a>, <a href="#Page_200">200</a><br />
+<br />
+Brocklesby, Dr., <a href="#Page_15">15</a><br />
+<br />
+Brougham, Lord, <a href="#Page_17">17</a>, <a href="#Page_39">39-43</a>, <a href="#Page_117">117</a>, <a href="#Page_188">188</a>, <a href="#Page_205">205</a><br />
+<br />
+Brown, Judge Bela, <a href="#Page_243">243</a><br />
+<br />
+Buchan, Earl of, <a href="#Page_27">27</a>, <a href="#Page_202">202</a><br />
+<br />
+Bullen, Edward, <a href="#Page_85">85</a><br />
+<br />
+Burrowes, Peter, <a href="#Page_145">145</a><br />
+<br />
+Burrows, Sir James, <a href="#Page_9">9</a><br />
+<br />
+Bushe, Charles K., <a href="#Page_118">118</a>, <a href="#Page_122">122</a>, <a href="#Page_138">138</a><br />
+<br />
+Butler, Sir Toby, <a href="#Page_127">127</a><br />
+<br />
+Byles, Mr. Justice, <a href="#Page_49">49</a><br />
+<br />
+Byron, Lord, <a href="#Page_224">224</a><br />
+<br />
+<br />
+Campbell, Lord John, <a href="#Page_13">13</a>, <a href="#Page_25">25</a>, <a href="#Page_34">34</a>, <a href="#Page_35">35</a>, <a href="#Page_41">41-44</a>, <a href="#Page_76">76</a>, <a href="#Page_86">86</a><br />
+<br />
+Campbell, Lord President, <a href="#Page_181">181</a><br />
+<br />
+Carleton, Chief Justice, <a href="#Page_112">112</a><br />
+<br />
+Carleton, Lady, <a href="#Page_112">112</a><br />
+<br />
+Chambers, Montague, <a href="#Page_77">77</a><br />
+<br />
+Charles II, <a href="#Page_6">6</a>, <a href="#Page_68">68</a><br />
+<br />
+Chelmsford, Lord, <a href="#Page_46">46</a><br />
+<br />
+Chitty, Lord Justice, <a href="#Page_38">38</a><br />
+<br />
+Choate, Rufus, <a href="#Page_234">234-236</a><br />
+<br />
+Clare, Lord, <a href="#Page_132">132</a><br />
+<br />
+Clarke, George, minstrel, <a href="#Page_97">97</a><br />
+<br />
+Clarke, Thomas, <a href="#Page_75">75</a>, <a href="#Page_76">76</a><br />
+<br />
+Clonmel, Earl of, <a href="#Page_109">109</a>, <a href="#Page_110">110</a><br />
+<br />
+Coalston, Lord, <a href="#Page_156">156</a><br />
+<br />
+Cockburn, Lord, <a href="#Page_171">171</a>, <a href="#Page_173">173</a>, <a href="#Page_174">174</a>, <a href="#Page_175">175</a>, <a href="#Page_185">185-187</a>, <a href="#Page_215">215</a><br />
+<br />
+Cockburn, Sir Alexander, <a href="#Page_46">46</a>, <a href="#Page_47">47</a>, <a href="#Page_55">55-57</a><br />
+<br />
+Cockle, Serjeant, <a href="#Page_100">100</a>, <a href="#Page_101">101</a><br />
+<br />
+Coleridge, Lord, <a href="#Page_51">51</a>, <a href="#Page_52">52</a><br />
+<br />
+Collins, Stephen, Q.C., <a href="#Page_140">140</a>, <a href="#Page_141">141</a><br />
+<br />
+Colman, George, <a href="#Page_79">79</a><br />
+<br />
+Colquhoun, Sir James, <a href="#Page_202">202</a><br />
+<br />
+Connor, John, <a href="#Page_143">143</a><br />
+<br />
+Cooke, Tom, <a href="#Page_36">36</a><br />
+<br />
+Cottenham, Lord Chancellor, <a href="#Page_42">42</a><br />
+<br />
+Coutts, Thomas, <a href="#Page_159">159</a><br />
+<br />
+Covington, Lord, <a href="#Page_155">155</a><br />
+<br />
+Cox, Judge, <a href="#Page_245">245</a><br />
+<br />
+Crabtree, Jesse, <a href="#Page_79">79</a><br />
+<br />
+Cranworth, Lord, <a href="#Page_35">35</a><br />
+<br />
+Cringletie, Lord, <a href="#Page_170">170</a><br />
+<br />
+Crispe, Thomas E., <a href="#Page_94">94</a><br />
+<br />
+Crosbie, Andrew, <a href="#Page_205">205</a><br />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_256" id="Page_256">[Pg 256]</a></span><br />
+Cunningham, Lord, <a href="#Page_206">206</a><br />
+<br />
+Curran, J. P., <a href="#Page_109">109</a>, <a href="#Page_113">113</a>, <a href="#Page_120">120</a>, <a href="#Page_121">121</a>, <a href="#Page_127">127-134</a><br />
+<br />
+<br />
+Danckwerts, Mr., Q.C., <a href="#Page_59">59</a><br />
+<br />
+Darling, Mr. Justice, <a href="#Page_3">3</a>, <a href="#Page_4">4</a>, <a href="#Page_58">58-60</a><br />
+<br />
+Davenport, Sir Thomas, <a href="#Page_12">12</a><br />
+<br />
+Davy, Serjeant, <a href="#Page_70">70</a>, <a href="#Page_71">71</a><br />
+<br />
+Deas, Lord, <a href="#Page_177">177</a><br />
+<br />
+Denman, Lord, <a href="#Page_72">72</a>, <a href="#Page_73">73</a><br />
+<br />
+Dewar, Lord, <a href="#Page_51">51</a><br />
+<br />
+Dirleton, Lord, <a href="#Page_153">153</a><br />
+<br />
+Douglas, Alexander, W.S., <a href="#Page_188">188</a><br />
+<br />
+Dowling, Judge, <a href="#Page_240">240</a><br />
+<br />
+Doyle, Mr., <a href="#Page_121">121</a><br />
+<br />
+Duke, Mr., K.C., <a href="#Page_60">60</a><br />
+<br />
+Dun, Lord, <a href="#Page_159">159</a><br />
+<br />
+Dundas, Henry (Lord Melville), <a href="#Page_157">157</a>, <a href="#Page_200">200</a><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Robert, first Lord President, <a href="#Page_156">156</a>, <a href="#Page_158">158</a></span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">&mdash;&mdash; second Lord President, <a href="#Page_204">204</a></span><br />
+<br />
+Dunning, Serjeant, <a href="#Page_17">17</a>, <a href="#Page_73">73</a>, <a href="#Page_74">74</a><br />
+<br />
+<br />
+Egan, John, Q.C., <a href="#Page_131">131</a>, <a href="#Page_134">134</a><br />
+<br />
+Egerton, Master of Rolls, <a href="#Page_6">6</a><br />
+<br />
+Eldin, Lord, <a href="#Page_164">164</a>, <a href="#Page_167">167-171</a><br />
+<br />
+Eldon, Earl of, <a href="#Page_10">10-12</a>, <a href="#Page_17">17-19</a>, <a href="#Page_167">167</a>, <a href="#Page_171">171</a>, <a href="#Page_179">179</a><br />
+<br />
+Elizabeth, Queen, <a href="#Page_68">68</a><br />
+<br />
+Ellenborough, Lord, <a href="#Page_20">20</a>, <a href="#Page_21">21</a><br />
+<br />
+Elliock, Lord, <a href="#Page_156">156</a><br />
+<br />
+Erne, Lord, <a href="#Page_114">114</a><br />
+<br />
+Erskine, Henry, <a href="#Page_27">27</a>, <a href="#Page_164">164</a>, <a href="#Page_199">199-202</a><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">John, of Carnoch, <a href="#Page_157">157</a></span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">&mdash;&mdash; Lord, <a href="#Page_27">27-31</a>, <a href="#Page_46">46</a></span><br />
+<br />
+Esher, Lord, <a href="#Page_54">54</a><br />
+<br />
+Eskgrove, Lord, <a href="#Page_155">155</a>, <a href="#Page_160">160</a>, <a href="#Page_161">161</a>, <a href="#Page_162">162</a>, <a href="#Page_164">164</a>, <a href="#Page_199">199</a><br />
+<br />
+Evans, <a href="#Page_228">228</a><br />
+<br />
+Eve, Mr. Justice, <a href="#Page_69">69</a><br />
+<br />
+<br />
+Fisher, Dr., <a href="#Page_19">19</a><br />
+<br />
+Fitton, Lord Chancellor, <a href="#Page_127">127</a><br />
+<br />
+Flood, Right Hon. H., <a href="#Page_110">110</a><br />
+<br />
+Forglen, Lord, <a href="#Page_160">160</a><br />
+<br />
+Fortesque, Lord, <a href="#Page_8">8</a><br />
+<br />
+Foster, Judge, <a href="#Page_113">113</a><br />
+<br />
+Fountainhall, Lord, <a href="#Page_153">153</a>, <a href="#Page_154">154</a><br />
+<br />
+Furton, Sir Thomas, <a href="#Page_132">132</a><br />
+<br />
+<br />
+Gardenstone, Lord, <a href="#Page_156">156</a><br />
+<br />
+Garrick, David, <a href="#Page_243">243</a><br />
+<br />
+George III, <a href="#Page_19">19</a>, <a href="#Page_24">24</a><br />
+<br />
+Gillespie, Rev. Dr., <a href="#Page_238">238</a><br />
+<br />
+Gillon, Joseph, W.S., <a href="#Page_219">219</a><br />
+<br />
+Glengarry, <a href="#Page_161">161</a><br />
+<br />
+Gould, Mr. Justice, <a href="#Page_22">22</a>, <a href="#Page_30">30</a>, <a href="#Page_60">60</a>, <a href="#Page_71">71</a><br />
+<br />
+Grady, H. D., <a href="#Page_135">135-136</a><br />
+<br />
+Graham, Baron, <a href="#Page_34">34</a><br />
+<br />
+Grantham, Mr. Justice, <a href="#Page_58">58</a><br />
+<br />
+Guildford, Lord, <a href="#Page_68">68</a><br />
+<br />
+Guthrie, Lord, <a href="#Page_193">193</a><br />
+<br />
+<br />
+Hailes, Lord, <a href="#Page_156">156</a><br />
+<br />
+Halkerston, Lord, <a href="#Page_163">163</a><br />
+<br />
+Halligan, Denis, <a href="#Page_113">113</a>, <a href="#Page_114">114</a><br />
+<br />
+Hardwicke, Lord, <a href="#Page_8">8</a><br />
+<br />
+Harper, Sheriff, <a href="#Page_206">206</a><br />
+<br />
+Harris, Billy, <a href="#Page_111">111</a><br />
+<br />
+Hatton, Lord Chancellor, <a href="#Page_5">5</a><br />
+<br />
+Haweis, Rev. H. R., <a href="#Page_223">223</a><br />
+<br />
+Hawkins, Sir Henry (Lord Brampton), <a href="#Page_54">54-57</a><br />
+<br />
+Hayward, Mr., <a href="#Page_132">132</a><br />
+<br />
+Healy, Tim, <a href="#Page_146">146</a>, <a href="#Page_147">147</a><br />
+<br />
+Henderson, Sir John, <a href="#Page_161">161</a><br />
+<br />
+Henn, Chief Baron, <a href="#Page_111">111</a><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Jonathan, <a href="#Page_111">111</a>, <a href="#Page_112">112</a></span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">William, Judge, <a href="#Page_111">111</a></span><br />
+<br />
+Henry VIII, <a href="#Page_4">4</a><br />
+<br />
+Henry, Patrick, <a href="#Page_224">224</a><br />
+<br />
+Hermand, Lord, <a href="#Page_165">165</a>, <a href="#Page_174">174</a>, <a href="#Page_176">176</a>, <a href="#Page_179">179-181</a><br />
+<br />
+Herrick, Mr., <a href="#Page_141">141</a><br />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_257" id="Page_257">[Pg 257]</a></span><br />
+Hill, Serjeant, <a href="#Page_69">69</a>, <a href="#Page_70">70</a><br />
+<br />
+Holmes, Mr., <a href="#Page_138">138</a><br />
+<br />
+Holroyd, Chief Justice, <a href="#Page_38">38</a><br />
+<br />
+Holt, Lord Justice, <a href="#Page_37">37</a><br />
+<br />
+Hook, John, <a href="#Page_224">224</a><br />
+<br />
+Horne, Mr., Dean of Faculty, <a href="#Page_193">193</a><br />
+<br />
+Horner, Mr., <a href="#Page_183">183</a><br />
+<br />
+Hyde, Edward (Lord Campden), <a href="#Page_7">7</a><br />
+<br />
+<br />
+Jackson, Sheriff Officer, <a href="#Page_116">116</a><br />
+<br />
+James, Edwin, <a href="#Page_85">85</a>, <a href="#Page_86">86</a><br />
+<br />
+James V, <a href="#Page_153">153</a><br />
+<br />
+Jeffrey, Lord, <a href="#Page_172">172</a>, <a href="#Page_187">187</a><br />
+<br />
+Jeffreys, Judge, <a href="#Page_7">7</a><br />
+<br />
+Jekyll, Serjeant, <a href="#Page_79">79</a>, <a href="#Page_80">80</a><br />
+<br />
+<br />
+Kames, Lord, <a href="#Page_5">5</a>, <a href="#Page_156">156</a>, <a href="#Page_165">165</a>, <a href="#Page_166">166</a><br />
+<br />
+Keating, Mr. Justice, <a href="#Page_61">61</a>, <a href="#Page_68">68</a><br />
+<br />
+Keller, Jerry, <a href="#Page_139">139</a><br />
+<br />
+Kennedy, Mrs., <a href="#Page_52">52</a><br />
+<br />
+Kennet, Lord, <a href="#Page_158">158</a><br />
+<br />
+Kenyon, Lord, <a href="#Page_10">10-12</a>, <a href="#Page_22">22-24</a><br />
+<br />
+Kilkerran, Lord, <a href="#Page_163">163</a><br />
+<br />
+Kingston, Duchess of, <a href="#Page_13">13</a><br />
+<br />
+Knight-Bruce, Lord Justice, <a href="#Page_47">47</a>, <a href="#Page_48">48</a><br />
+<br />
+<br />
+Labron, John, <a href="#Page_39">39</a><br />
+<br />
+Landseer, Sir Edwin, <a href="#Page_81">81</a><br />
+<br />
+Lawrence, Sir Thomas, <a href="#Page_85">85</a><br />
+<br />
+Lawson, Mr. Justice, <a href="#Page_123">123</a><br />
+<br />
+Lee, Jack, <a href="#Page_77">77</a><br />
+<br />
+Leeds, Duke of, <a href="#Page_46">46</a><br />
+<br />
+Lees, Richard, <a href="#Page_206">206</a><br />
+<br />
+Lifford, Lord Chancellor, <a href="#Page_110">110</a><br />
+<br />
+Lockwood, Sir Frank, <a href="#Page_89">89</a>, <a href="#Page_92">92</a><br />
+<br />
+Logan, Sheriff, <a href="#Page_206">206</a><br />
+<br />
+Lysaght, Edward, 136, <a href="#Page_137">137</a><br />
+<br />
+<br />
+M'Cormick, Samuel, <a href="#Page_175">175</a><br />
+<br />
+Macdonald, Chief Baron, <a href="#Page_34">34</a><br />
+<br />
+Macklin, Actor, <a href="#Page_128">128</a><br />
+<br />
+Maclaren, Lord, <a href="#Page_194">194</a><br />
+<br />
+MacMahon, Serjeant, <a href="#Page_145">145</a><br />
+<br />
+Mahaffy, Ninian, <a href="#Page_140">140</a>, <a href="#Page_141">141</a><br />
+<br />
+Mair, Ludovick, <a href="#Page_208">208</a><br />
+<br />
+Maloney, Mr., <a href="#Page_130">130</a><br />
+<br />
+Manners, Lord Chancellor, <a href="#Page_141">141</a><br />
+<br />
+Mansfield, Earl of, <a href="#Page_14">14-16</a>, <a href="#Page_74">74</a>, <a href="#Page_205">205</a><br />
+<br />
+Margarot, <a href="#Page_183">183</a><br />
+<br />
+Martin, Baron, <a href="#Page_44">44</a>, <a href="#Page_45">45</a>, <a href="#Page_81">81</a><br />
+<br />
+Maule, Mr. Justice, <a href="#Page_31">31-34</a><br />
+<br />
+Meadowbank, Lord (first), <a href="#Page_159">159</a><br />
+<br />
+Meadowbank, Lord (second), <a href="#Page_164">164</a>, <a href="#Page_169">169</a>, <a href="#Page_179">179</a><br />
+<br />
+Mellor, Mr., <a href="#Page_91">91</a>, <a href="#Page_92">92</a><br />
+<br />
+Miller, Sir Thomas, <a href="#Page_157">157</a><br />
+<br />
+Millicent, Sir John, <a href="#Page_6">6</a><br />
+<br />
+Milton, Lord, <a href="#Page_159">159</a><br />
+<br />
+Missing, Serjeant, <a href="#Page_75">75</a><br />
+<br />
+Mitchell, John, <a href="#Page_112">112</a><br />
+<br />
+Monboddo, Lord, <a href="#Page_153">153</a>, <a href="#Page_157">157</a><br />
+<br />
+Moncreiff, Lord, <a href="#Page_175">175</a>, <a href="#Page_183">183</a>, <a href="#Page_184">184</a><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Rev. Sir Henry Wellwood, <a href="#Page_175">175</a></span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Lord Justice-Clerk, <a href="#Page_211">211</a></span><br />
+<br />
+Moore, Frankfort, <a href="#Page_123">123</a><br />
+<br />
+Moore, Judge, <a href="#Page_112">112</a><br />
+<br />
+More, Sir Thomas, <a href="#Page_4">4</a>, <a href="#Page_5">5</a><br />
+<br />
+Muir, Mr., <a href="#Page_82">82</a><br />
+<br />
+Murphy, Mr., gaoler, <a href="#Page_117">117</a><br />
+<br />
+<br />
+Nagle, Mr., <a href="#Page_127">127</a><br />
+<br />
+Nangle, Mr., <a href="#Page_107">107</a>, <a href="#Page_108">108</a>, <a href="#Page_109">109</a><br />
+<br />
+Nares, Mr. Justice, <a href="#Page_27">27</a><br />
+<br />
+Newhall, Lord, <a href="#Page_160">160</a><br />
+<br />
+Newton, Lord, <a href="#Page_171">171-173</a><br />
+<br />
+Norbury, Lord, <a href="#Page_114">114-117</a>, <a href="#Page_132">132</a>, <a href="#Page_133">133</a>, <a href="#Page_145">145</a><br />
+<br />
+Norfolk, Duke of, <a href="#Page_19">19</a><br />
+<br />
+<br />
+O'Connell, Daniel, <a href="#Page_117">117</a>, <a href="#Page_141">141-144</a><br />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_258" id="Page_258">[Pg 258]</a></span><br />
+O'Flanagan, F. R., <a href="#Page_107">107</a>, <a href="#Page_137">137</a><br />
+<br />
+O'Gorman, Mr., <a href="#Page_139">139</a>, <a href="#Page_140">140</a><br />
+<br />
+O'Grady, Chief Baron, <a href="#Page_117">117-119</a><br />
+<br />
+Orton, Arthur, <a href="#Page_55">55</a><br />
+<br />
+Oswald, Francis, <a href="#Page_95">95</a>, <a href="#Page_96">96</a><br />
+<br />
+<br />
+Page, Mr. Justice, <a href="#Page_22">22</a><br />
+<br />
+Parker, Chief Baron, <a href="#Page_15">15</a><br />
+<br />
+Parry, Serjeant, <a href="#Page_93">93</a>, <a href="#Page_101">101</a><br />
+<br />
+Parsons, Chief Justice, <a href="#Page_223">223</a>, <a href="#Page_224">224</a><br />
+<br />
+Parsons, Commissioner, <a href="#Page_144">144</a>, <a href="#Page_145">145</a><br />
+<br />
+Patteson, Mr. Justice, <a href="#Page_61">61</a><br />
+<br />
+Peat, Mr., <a href="#Page_80">80</a><br />
+<br />
+Petigru, Mr., <a href="#Page_231">231</a><br />
+<br />
+Phillimore, Sir Walter, <a href="#Page_57">57</a><br />
+<br />
+Phillips, Charles, <a href="#Page_54">54</a><br />
+<br />
+Phillips, <a href="#Page_123">123</a>, <a href="#Page_128">128</a><br />
+<br />
+Phipps, Lord Chancellor, <a href="#Page_107">107</a><br />
+<br />
+Pigot, Chief Baron, <a href="#Page_141">141</a><br />
+<br />
+Pinckney, Judge W. M., <a href="#Page_230">230</a><br />
+<br />
+Pitfour, Lord, <a href="#Page_158">158</a><br />
+<br />
+Pitmilly, Lord, <a href="#Page_174">174</a><br />
+<br />
+Plowden, Mr., <a href="#Page_55">55</a><br />
+<br />
+Plunket, Lord, <a href="#Page_122">122</a>, <a href="#Page_123">123</a>, <a href="#Page_138">138</a><br />
+<br />
+Polkemmet, Lord, <a href="#Page_155">155</a>, <a href="#Page_163">163</a>, <a href="#Page_164">164</a><br />
+<br />
+Powis, Mr. Justice, <a href="#Page_8">8</a><br />
+<br />
+Pratt, Sir John, Lord Justice, <a href="#Page_9">9</a><br />
+<br />
+Prime, Serjeant, <a href="#Page_26">26</a>, <a href="#Page_72">72</a><br />
+<br />
+Pritchard, Mary, <a href="#Page_77">77</a><br />
+<br />
+Pyne, Chief Justice, <a href="#Page_107">107</a>, <a href="#Page_108">108</a><br />
+<br />
+<br />
+Queensberry, Duke of, <a href="#Page_29">29</a><br />
+<br />
+<br />
+Raine, Mr., <a href="#Page_100">100</a><br />
+<br />
+Redsdale, Lord Chancellor, <a href="#Page_140">140</a><br />
+<br />
+Reid, David, <a href="#Page_159">159</a>, <a href="#Page_160">160</a><br />
+<br />
+Ribton, Mr., Q.C., <a href="#Page_50">50</a><br />
+<br />
+Robertson, Patrick, Lord, <a href="#Page_188">188</a><br />
+<br />
+Roche, Sir Boyle, <a href="#Page_133">133</a><br />
+<br />
+Rodgers, Judge K., <a href="#Page_241">241</a>, <a href="#Page_247">247</a><br />
+<br />
+Romilly, Lord, <a href="#Page_89">89</a><br />
+<br />
+Rose, Sir George, <a href="#Page_18">18</a><br />
+<br />
+Ross, Charles, <a href="#Page_159">159</a><br />
+<br />
+Russell, Lord John, <a href="#Page_42">42</a><br />
+<br />
+Russell, Lord, of Killowen, <a href="#Page_51">51</a><br />
+<br />
+Rutherford, Lord, <a href="#Page_189">189</a><br />
+<br />
+Rutland, Earl of, <a href="#Page_4">4</a><br />
+<br />
+Ryder, Chief Justice, <a href="#Page_9">9</a><br />
+<br />
+<br />
+Scarlett, Miss, <a href="#Page_43">43</a><br />
+<br />
+Scott, James, Q.C., <a href="#Page_137">137</a><br />
+<br />
+Scott, Sir Walter, <a href="#Page_160">160</a>, <a href="#Page_199">199</a>, <a href="#Page_219">219</a><br />
+<br />
+Shaftesbury, Lord, <a href="#Page_6">6</a><br />
+<br />
+Shand, Lord, <a href="#Page_190">190</a>, <a href="#Page_191">191</a>, <a href="#Page_193">193</a><br />
+<br />
+Shee, Mr., Q.C., <a href="#Page_51">51</a><br />
+<br />
+Sinclair, Sir John, <a href="#Page_30">30</a><br />
+<br />
+Sleigh, Warner, <a href="#Page_83">83</a><br />
+<br />
+Smith, Judge A., <a href="#Page_241">241</a><br />
+<br />
+Smith, F. E., <a href="#Page_95">95</a><br />
+<br />
+Speer, Judge Emery, <a href="#Page_229">229</a><br />
+<br />
+Stanley, Lord, <a href="#Page_41">41</a><br />
+<br />
+Stonefield, Lord, <a href="#Page_157">157</a>, <a href="#Page_185">185</a><br />
+<br />
+Strichen, Lord, <a href="#Page_156">156</a><br />
+<br />
+Sugden, Sir Edward, <a href="#Page_39">39</a><br />
+<br />
+Sullivan, Mr., <a href="#Page_223">223</a><br />
+<br />
+Sumner, Mr., <a href="#Page_234">234</a><br />
+<br />
+Swinton, Lord, <a href="#Page_200">200</a><br />
+<br />
+<br />
+Taylor, Senator, <a href="#Page_230">230</a><br />
+<br />
+Tenterden, Lord, <a href="#Page_25">25</a><br />
+<br />
+Thomas, Serjeant, <a href="#Page_73">73</a><br />
+<br />
+Thomson, Baron, <a href="#Page_34">34</a><br />
+<br />
+Thorpe, W. G., <a href="#Page_86">86</a><br />
+<br />
+Thurlow, Lord, <a href="#Page_10">10-13</a>, <a href="#Page_19">19</a>, <a href="#Page_20">20</a><br />
+<br />
+Townshend, Lord, <a href="#Page_110">110</a><br />
+<br />
+Tunstal, Dr., <a href="#Page_77">77</a><br />
+<br />
+<br />
+Warren, Samuel, <a href="#Page_46">46</a>, <a href="#Page_83">83</a><br />
+<br />
+Wauchope, Mr., of Niddrie, <a href="#Page_186">186</a><br />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_259" id="Page_259">[Pg 259]</a></span><br />
+Webster, Daniel, <a href="#Page_227">227</a>, <a href="#Page_228">228</a><br />
+<br />
+Wedderburn, Alexander (Lord Roslin), <a href="#Page_7">7</a><br />
+<br />
+Weldon, Mrs., <a href="#Page_54">54</a><br />
+<br />
+Weller, Mr., <a href="#Page_107">107</a>, <a href="#Page_108">108</a><br />
+<br />
+Westbury, Lord, <a href="#Page_34">34</a>, <a href="#Page_35">35</a>, <a href="#Page_47">47</a><br />
+<br />
+Wharton, Mr., <a href="#Page_94">94</a><br />
+<br />
+Whigham, Mr., <a href="#Page_79">79</a><br />
+<br />
+Wight, Alexander, <a href="#Page_155">155</a><br />
+<br />
+Wightman, Mr. Justice, <a href="#Page_50">50</a><br />
+<br />
+Wilkins, Serjeant, <a href="#Page_6">6</a>, <a href="#Page_72">72</a>, <a href="#Page_73">73</a><br />
+<br />
+Willes, Mr. Justice, <a href="#Page_21">21</a>, <a href="#Page_49">49</a>, <a href="#Page_78">78</a><br />
+<br />
+Williams, Montague, <a href="#Page_49">49</a>, <a href="#Page_88">88</a><br />
+<br />
+Wills, Mr. Justice, <a href="#Page_38">38</a><br />
+<br />
+Wirt, William, <a href="#Page_227">227</a>, <a href="#Page_228">228</a><br />
+<br />
+<br />
+Yorke, Edward (Lord Hardewicke), <a href="#Page_8">8</a><br />
+<br />
+Young, Lord, <a href="#Page_191">191-193</a><br />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_260" id="Page_260">[Pg 260]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="SOME_SCOTTISH_BOOKS" id="SOME_SCOTTISH_BOOKS"></a>SOME SCOTTISH BOOKS</h2>
+
+
+<p><b>BOOK of EDINBURGH ANECDOTE</b></p>
+
+<p>By <span class="smcap">Francis Watt</span>. The stories in "The Book of Edinburgh
+Anecdote," good in themselves, illustrate in an interesting way
+bygone times. The heroics and the follies, the greatness and the
+littleness, the wit and humour of famous or even infamous citizens
+are presented in a lively manner. Even to those who know
+much about Edinburgh much will be fresh, for the material has
+been gathered from many and various, and not seldom obscure,
+sources. With thirty-two portraits in collotype and frontispiece in
+colour. 312 pp. Buckram, 5/- net; Leather, 7/6 net.</p>
+
+
+<p><b>BOOK of GLASGOW ANECDOTE</b></p>
+
+<p>By <span class="smcap">D. Macleod Malloch</span>. This book is a storehouse of information
+regarding Glasgow, and is full of interesting and amusing
+stories of Church, University, medical, legal, municipal, and commercial
+life. No such collection of Glasgow anecdotes has hitherto
+appeared in any single volume; and their interest is such that this
+book should appeal not only to Glasgow people, but also to all who
+can appreciate good stories of professional and commercial life,
+and stories illustrative of Scottish character. With frontispiece in
+colour and thirty-five portraits in collotype. 400 pp. Buckram,
+5/- net; Leather, 7/6 net.</p>
+
+
+<p><b>MARY QUEEN OF SCOTS</b></p>
+
+<p>By <span class="smcap">Hilda T. Skae</span>. This volume contains a compact account of
+the life of one of the most romantic figures in Scottish history. It
+contains sixteen illustrations in colour besides many portraits, and
+merely to turn them over is to gain a more living and reliable idea
+of the course of her tragic life, and of the characters of those who surrounded
+her, than the most careful of historical descriptions. The
+very actors and actresses move before the reader's eyes; and their
+stories, ceasing to be distant traditions, are seen to concern the
+movements, hesitations, half-hopes, and human impulses of people
+strangely like ourselves. 224 pp. Buckram, 5/- net; Velvet
+Persian, 7/6 net.</p>
+
+
+<p><b>R. L. STEVENSON: MEMORIES</b></p>
+
+<p>Being twenty-five illustrations, reproduced from photographs, of
+Robert Louis Stevenson, his homes and his haunts, many of these
+reproduced for the first time. A booklet for every Stevenson lover.
+In Japon vellum covers, 1/- net; bound in Japanese vellum, with
+illustrations mounted, 2/6 net.</p>
+
+
+<h4>T&middot;N&middot;FOULIS&middot;PUBLISHER</h4>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_261" id="Page_261">[Pg 261]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="BOOKS_TO_ENTERTAIN" id="BOOKS_TO_ENTERTAIN"></a>BOOKS TO ENTERTAIN</h2>
+
+
+<p><b>THE LIGHTER SIDE OF IRISH LIFE</b></p>
+
+<p>By <span class="smcap">George A. Birmingham</span>. Its title suggests unbridled jocularity&mdash;and
+it is in fact full of inimitable fun; but there is a basis of
+solid thought and sympathy to all the mirth. While replenishing
+the common stock of Irish stories, Mr Birmingham adjusts our conception
+of the race. Mr Kerr's sixteen illustrations in colour form
+a gallery of genre studies, sympathetic and yet sincere, that allows
+us to look with our own eyes upon Ireland as she really is to-day.
+288 pp. Buckram, 5/- net. Velvet Persian, 7/6 net.</p>
+
+
+<p><b>IRISH LIFE &amp; CHARACTER</b></p>
+
+<p>By Mrs <span class="smcap">S. C. Hall</span>. "Tales of Irish Life" will remind the reader
+more of Lever or Sam Lover than of "Lavengro." It is effervescent
+and audacious, ringing with all the fun of the fair, and spiced with
+the constant presence of a vivacious and irresistible personality.
+The sixteen illustrations by Erskine Nicol are in precisely the same
+vein, matching Mrs Hall's sketches so manifestly that it is strange
+they have never been united before. To look at them is to laugh.
+330 pp. Buckram, 5/- net. Velvet Persian, 7/6 net.</p>
+
+
+<p><b>LORD COCKBURN'S MEMORIALS</b></p>
+
+<p>"This volume," says <i>The Saturday Review</i>, "is one of the most
+entertaining books a reader could lay his hands on." "The book,"
+says <i>The Edinburgh Review</i>, "is one of the pleasantest fireside
+volumes that has ever been published." Cockburn's pen could tell
+a tale as well as his tongue, and to read this book is to sit, unobserved,
+at that immortal Round Table, with anecdote and reminiscence
+in full tide. With twelve portraits in colour by Sir Henry
+Raeburn, and other illustrations. Extra Crown 8vo. 480 pp.
+Buckram, 6/- net.</p>
+
+
+<p><b>AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF CARLYLE OF INVERESK (1722-1805)</b></p>
+
+<p>Edited by <span class="smcap">J. Hill Burton</span>. "He
+was the grandest demi-god I ever saw," wrote Sir Walter Scott
+of the author of this book. But, as these Memoirs show, he was a
+demi-god with a very human heart,&mdash;or, at any rate, a "divine"
+with a thorough knowledge of the world. It was probably these
+qualities that made him such a prominent figure in his day, and it is
+certainly these that give his Recollections their unique importance
+and raciness. They provide "by far the most vivid picture of Scottish
+life and manners that has been given to the world since Scott's
+day." This edition has been equipped with a series of thirty-six
+portraits reproduced in photogravure of the chief personages who
+move in its pages. 612 pp. Buckram, 6/- net.</p>
+
+
+<h4>T&middot;N&middot;FOULIS&middot;PUBLISHER</h4>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_262" id="Page_262">[Pg 262]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="SOME_ENGLISH_BOOKS" id="SOME_ENGLISH_BOOKS"></a>SOME ENGLISH BOOKS</h2>
+
+
+<p><b>THE ENGLISH CHARACTER</b></p>
+
+<p>By <span class="smcap">Spencer Leigh Hughes</span>, M.P., <i>Sub-Rosa</i> of the <i>Daily News
+and Leader</i>. Although his pen has probably covered more pages
+than Balzac's, this is the first time <i>Sub-Rosa</i> has really "turned author."
+The charm and penetration of the result suggest that his
+readers will never allow him to turn back again. He is a born
+essayist, but he has, in addition, the breadth and generosity that
+journalism alone can give a man. The combination gives a kind of
+golden gossip&mdash;criticism without acrimony, fooling without folly.
+The work contains sixteen pictures in colour of English types by
+Frederick Gardner. 300 pp. Buckram, 5/- net. Leather, 7/6 net.</p>
+
+
+<p><b>ENGLISH COUNTRY LIFE</b></p>
+
+<p>By <span class="smcap">Walter Raymond</span>. Mr Raymond is our modern Gilbert
+White; and many of the chapters have a thread of whimsical
+drama and delicious humour which will remind the reader of "The
+Window in Thrums." It is a book of happiness and peace. It is as
+fragrant as lavender or new-mown hay, and as wholesome as curds
+and cream. With sixteen illustrations in colour by Wilfrid Ball, R. E.
+462 pp. Buckram, 5/- net. Leather, 7/6 net.</p>
+
+
+<p><b>ENGLISH LIFE &amp; CHARACTER</b></p>
+
+<p>By <span class="smcap">Mary Mitford</span>. Done with a delicate Dutch fidelity, these
+little prose pastorals of Miss Mitford's would live were they purely
+imaginary&mdash;so perfect is their finish, so tender and joyous their
+touch. But they have, in addition, the virtue of being entirely
+faithful pictures of English village life as it was at the time they
+were written. With sixteen illustrations in colour by Stanhope
+Forbes, R.A. 350 pp. Buckram, 5/- net. Leather, 7/6 net.</p>
+
+
+<p><b>THE RIVER OF LONDON</b></p>
+
+<p>By <span class="smcap">Hilaire Belloc</span>. Everybody who has read the "Path to
+Rome" will learn with gladness that Mr Hilaire Belloc has written
+another book in the same sunny temper, dealing with the oldest
+highway in Britain. It is a subject that brings into play all those
+high faculties which make Mr Belloc the most genuine man of
+letters now alive. The record of the journey makes one of the most
+exhilarating books of our time, and the series of Mr Muirhead's
+sixteen pictures painted for this book sets the glittering river itself
+flowing swiftly past before the eye. 200 pp. Buckram, 5/- net.
+Leather, 7/6 net.</p>
+
+
+<h4>T&middot;N&middot;FOULIS&middot;PUBLISHER</h4>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_263" id="Page_263">[Pg 263]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="SOME_LITERARY_BOOKS" id="SOME_LITERARY_BOOKS"></a>SOME LITERARY BOOKS</h2>
+
+
+<p><b>THE DICKENS ORIGINALS</b></p>
+
+<p>By <span class="smcap">Edwin Pugh</span>. A very large proportion of Dickens' characters
+had their living prototypes among his contemporaries and acquaintances.
+In this book the author has traced these prototypes, has
+made original researches resulting in the discovery of several new
+and hitherto unsuspected identities, and has given particulars of
+all of them. With thirty portraits of "originals." Extra Cr. 8vo,
+400 pp. 6/- net. A book for every Dickens lover.</p>
+
+
+<p><b>THE R. L. STEVENSON ORIGINALS</b></p>
+
+<p>By <span class="smcap">E. Blantyre Simpson</span>. The author has an unequalled knowledge
+of the fortunate Edinburgh circle who knew their R.L.S. long
+before the rest of the world; and she has been enabled to collect a
+volume of fresh <i>Stevensoniana</i>, of unrecorded adventures and personal
+reminiscences, which will prove inestimably precious to all
+lovers of the man and his work. The illustrations are of peculiar importance
+as the publisher has been privileged to reproduce a series
+of portraits and pictures of the rarest interest to accompany the text.
+Four portraits in colour, twenty-five in collotype and several letters
+in facsimile. Extra Cr. 8vo, 260 pp. Buckram, 6/- net.</p>
+
+
+<p><b>THE SCOTT ORIGINALS</b></p>
+
+<p>By <span class="smcap">W. S. Crockett</span>. The actual drovers and dominies, ladies
+and lairds, whom Sir Walter used as his models, figure here, living
+their own richly characteristic and romantic lives with unabated
+picturesqueness. Mr Crockett's identifications are all based on
+strict evidence, the result is that we are given a kind of flowing
+sequel to the novels, containing situations, dialogues, anecdotes,
+and adventures not included in the books. The forty-four illustrations
+comprise many contemporary portraits, including Baron
+Bradwardine, Pleydell, Davie Gellatley, Hugh Redgauntlet, Dugald
+Dalgetty, and others. 448 pp. Buckram, 6/- net.</p>
+
+
+<p><b>THE FOOTSTEPS OF SCOTT</b></p>
+
+<p>By <span class="smcap">W. S. Crockett</span>. Now that Mr Andrew Lang has left us, Mr
+Crockett has probably no equal in his knowledge of the Border
+country and its literature, or in his affectionate acquaintance with
+the life of Sir Walter. The illustrations are from water-colours
+specially painted by Tom Scott, R.S.A. They show his art at its
+best. 230 pp. Buckram, 3/6 net.</p>
+
+
+<h4>T&middot;N&middot;FOULIS&middot;PUBLISHER</h4>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_264" id="Page_264">[Pg 264]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="SOME_SCOTTISH_BOOKS_2" id="SOME_SCOTTISH_BOOKS_2"></a>SOME SCOTTISH BOOKS</h2>
+
+
+<p><b>THE KIRK &amp; ITS WORTHIES</b></p>
+
+<p>By <span class="smcap">Nicholas Dickson</span> and <span class="smcap">D. Macleod Malloch</span>. Our Scottish
+kirk has a great reputation for dourness&mdash;but it has probably
+kindled more humour than it ever quenched. The pulpits have
+inevitably been filled by a race of men disproportionately rich in
+"characters," originals, worthies with a gift for pungent expression
+and every opportunity for developing it. There is a fund of
+good stories here which forms a worthy sequel to Dean Ramsay's
+Reminiscences and a living history of an old-world life. The illustrations
+consist of sixteen reproductions in colour of paintings by
+eminent Scottish artists. The frontispiece is the famous painting
+"The Ordination of Elders." 340 pp. Buckram, 5/- net;
+Leather, 7/6 net.</p>
+
+
+<p><b>SCOTTISH LIFE &amp; CHARACTER</b></p>
+
+<p>By <span class="smcap">Dean Ramsay</span>. The Reminiscences of Dean Ramsay are a kind
+of literary haggis; and no dish better deserves to be worthily served
+up. "Next to the Waverley Novels," says a chief authority, "it has
+done more than any other book to make Scottish customs, phrases,
+and traits of character familiar to Englishmen at home and abroad."
+Mr Henry W. Kerr's illustrations provide a fitting crown to the
+feast. These pictures of characteristic Scottish scenes and Scottish
+faces give colour to the pen-and-ink descriptions, and bring out the
+full flavour of the text. 390 pp. Buckram, 5/- net; Leather, 7/6 net.</p>
+
+
+<p><b>ANNALS OF THE PARISH</b></p>
+
+<p>By <span class="smcap">John Galt</span>. The dry humour and whimsical sweetness of John
+Galt's masterpiece need no description at this time of day&mdash;it is one
+of those books, full of "the birr and sneddum that is the juice and
+flavour" of life itself, which, like good wines, are the better for long
+keeping. It was the first "kail-yard" to be planted in Scottish
+letters, and it is still the most fertile. The volume contains sixteen
+of Mr Kerr's water-colours, reproduced in colour. 316 pp.
+Buckram, 5/- net; Leather, 7/6 net.</p>
+
+
+<p><b>MANSIE WAUCH</b></p>
+
+<p>By <span class="smcap">D. M. Moir</span>. This edition of the book, which has been designed
+as a companion volume to "The Annals," contains sixteen illustrations
+in colour by C. Martin Hardie, R.S.A. Moir was one of
+John Galt's chief friends, and, like a good comrade, he brought out
+a rival book. Its native blitheness and its racy use of the vernacular
+will always keep it alive. 360 pp. Buckram, 5/- net;
+Velvet Persian, 7/6 net.</p>
+
+
+<h4>T&middot;N&middot;FOULIS&middot;PUBLISHER</h4>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_265" id="Page_265">[Pg 265]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="PRESENTATION_VOLUMES" id="PRESENTATION_VOLUMES"></a>PRESENTATION VOLUMES</h2>
+
+
+<p><b>THE MASTER MUSICIANS</b></p>
+
+<p>By <span class="smcap">J. Cuthbert Hadden</span>. A book for players, singers, and
+listeners, and although the work of an enthusiastic and discerning
+musician, it deals with the men rather than their compositions.
+There is an abundance of good anecdote, and personal foibles are
+not bowdlerised; but the author's taste is perfect and his attitude is
+frankly one of human sympathy. With fifteen illustrations. 320 pp.
+Buckram, 3/6 net. Velvet Persian and boxed, 5/- net.</p>
+
+
+<p><b>THE MASTER PAINTERS</b></p>
+
+<p>By <span class="smcap">Stewart Dick</span>. Mr Dick's book is an attempt to compress the
+cardinal facts and episodes in the lives of the world's greatest painters
+into a series of swift dramatic chapters. The lives of the world's
+great artists are often more picturesque than their pictures. With
+many illustrations. 270 pp. Buckram, 3/6 net. Velvet
+Persian and boxed, 5/- net.</p>
+
+
+<p><b>ARTS &amp; CRAFTS OF OLD JAPAN</b></p>
+
+<p>By <span class="smcap">Stewart Dick</span>. "We know of no book," says <i>The Literary
+World</i>, "that within such modest limits contrives to convey so
+much trustworthy information on Japanese art." The author and
+publisher have had the generous co-operation of many famous collectors,
+and the thirty illustrations include many exquisite reproductions
+of some of the most perfect kakemonos in Europe.
+Buckram, 5/- net.</p>
+
+
+<p><b>ARTS &amp; CRAFTS OF ANCIENT EGYPT</b></p>
+
+<p>By Professor <span class="smcap">W. M. Flinders Petrie</span>. Containing one hundred
+and forty illustrations. Small quarto. 228 pp. Buckram, 5/- net.
+<i>Second edition</i>. "We cannot speak too highly of the book, so full
+and so conveniently displayed is the knowledge which it contains."
+<i>Westminster Gazette.</i></p>
+
+
+<p><b>THE WILD FLOWERS</b></p>
+
+<p>By <span class="smcap">J. L. Crawford</span>. This book forms a guide to the commoner
+wild flowers of the countryside. It treats flowers as living things.
+Its special charm resides in its sixteen illustrations, in colour, of
+some of the most delicate flower-studies ever painted by Mr Edwin
+Alexander: whose work in this kind is famous throughout Europe.
+282 pp. Buckram, 5/- net; Velvet Persian, 7/6 net.</p>
+
+
+<h4>T&middot;N&middot;FOULIS&middot;PUBLISHER</h4>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_266" id="Page_266">[Pg 266]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="VOLUMES_OF_POEMS" id="VOLUMES_OF_POEMS"></a>VOLUMES OF POEMS</h2>
+
+
+<p><b>SONGS OF THE WORLD</b></p>
+
+<p>As arranged in the volume The Songs of Lady Nairne form a precious
+anthology of old favourites, a souvenir rich in special associations.
+The Foulis <i>Fergusson</i> is illustrated in a new, and, it is
+thought, a welcome way. The result is a volume of rare completeness,
+with every detail as perfect and appropriate as careful thought
+could achieve. The cream of Hogg's poetry is in the third volume,
+which will appeal to all who are in search of a beautiful edition of
+the work of Scotland's famous peasant-poet. Each has illustrations
+in colour by well-known artists. In Boards, 2/6 net;
+Velvet Persian, 3/6 net.</p>
+
+
+<p style="margin-left: 2em;">1. SONGS OF LADY NAIRNE<br />
+2. THE SCOTS POEMS OF ROBERT FERGUSSON<br />
+3. SONGS &amp; POEMS OF THE ETTRICK SHEPHERD<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<p><b>SONGS &amp; POEMS OF BURNS</b></p>
+
+<p>Complete edition, with introductory appreciation by The Earl of
+Rosebery. This edition is one of the most beautiful books ever produced
+in Scotland. It is printed on antique paper of special quality,
+with rubricated initials and spacious margins. The forty-six illustrations
+in colour are unique in their scope, being the work exclusively
+of the foremost Scottish artists. Readers, therefore, when
+they read the poems here will be enabled to see the characters
+created in words by one dreamer, taking graphic shape and form, in
+colour and line, in the responsive vision of another. The binding of
+the book is russet Scottish buckram; and it is specially worthy of
+notice in this instance that every detail is the work of Scottish
+craftsmen. Quarto, 660 pp. Printed in fine Rag paper, and bound
+in buckram, 10/6 net. Bound in the finest Vellum, 21/- net.</p>
+
+
+<p><b>POEMS OF ADAM LINDSAY GORDON</b></p>
+
+<p>Adam Lindsay Gordon is generally called the Byron of Australia.
+But he played far more parts than Byron, and crowded more genuine
+romance into his tragic life than even the sixth Baron of
+Rochdale. In "The Sick Stock Rider" he reproduces the colonial
+bush as keenly as Kipling reproduces India. His "How we Beat
+the Favourite" is the finest ballad of the turf in the language. He
+is, above everything, the sportsman's poet. This edition contains
+twelve stirring illustrations in colour by Captain G. D. Giles. 336
+pages. Buckram, 5/- net. Bound in Velvet Persian, 7/6 net.</p>
+
+
+<h4>T&middot;N&middot;FOULIS&middot;PUBLISHER</h4>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_267" id="Page_267">[Pg 267]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="PRESENTATION_VOLUMES_2" id="PRESENTATION_VOLUMES_2"></a>PRESENTATION VOLUMES</h2>
+
+
+<p style="font-weight: bold;">FRIENDSHIP BOOKS</p>
+
+<p>Printed in two colours, and in attractive bindings, 2/6 net;
+bound in finest Velvet Persian, 3/6 net.</p>
+
+<p>Half-crown volumes designed specially to meet the requirements
+of book-lovers in search of appropriate yet distinctive souvenirs.
+Each volume has its own individuality in coloured illustrations and
+the effect is aristocratic and exclusive.</p>
+
+<p>
+RUB&Aacute;IY&Aacute;T OF OMAR KHAYY&Aacute;M<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">With eight illustrations in colour by <span class="smcap">F. Brangwyn</span>, R.A.</span><br />
+<br />
+THE GIFT OF FRIENDSHIP<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Illustrations in colour by <span class="smcap">H. C. Preston Macgoun</span>. 270 pp.</span><br />
+<br />
+THE DREAM OF GERONTIUS<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">By <span class="smcap">Cardinal Newman</span>. Illustrations by <span class="smcap">R. T. Rose</span>.</span><br />
+<br />
+THE GIFT OF LOVE<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The noblest passages in literature dealing with love. 156 pp.</span><br />
+<br />
+SAPPHO, QUEEN OF SONG<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">A selection from her love poems by <span class="smcap">J. R. Tutin</span>.</span><br />
+<br />
+AUCASSIN &amp; NICOLETTE<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">With introduction by <span class="smcap">F. W. Bourdillon</span>.</span><br />
+<br />
+THE CHARM OF LIFE<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">With illustrations by <span class="smcap">Frederick Gardner</span>.</span><br />
+<br />
+THE BOOK OF GOOD FRIENDSHIP<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">With illus. by <span class="smcap">H. C. Preston Macgoun</span>, R.S.W. 132 pp.</span><br /><br />
+</p>
+
+
+<p><b>THE GARDEN LOVER'S BOOKS</b></p>
+
+<p>Printed in two colours, and in attractive bindings, 2/6 net; bound
+in finest Velvet Persian, 3/6 net. The appearance of these books
+alone confers distinction; ungrudging care has been lavished on their
+production from the choice of type to the colour of the silk markers.
+They make ideal gifts for anyone to whom gardens appeal.</p>
+
+<p>
+A BOOK OF GARDENS<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Illustrated by <span class="smcap">Margaret H. Waterfield</span>. 140 pp.</span><br />
+<br />
+A BOOK OF OLD-WORLD GARDENS<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">With eight illus. in colour by <span class="smcap">Beatrice Parsons</span>. 122 pp.</span><br />
+<br />
+GARDEN MEMORIES<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">With eight illus. in colour by <span class="smcap">Mary G. W. Wilson</span>. 120 pp.</span><br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>T&middot;N&middot;FOULIS&middot;PUBLISHER</h4>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_268" id="Page_268">[Pg 268]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="ILLUSTRATED_VOLUMES" id="ILLUSTRATED_VOLUMES"></a>ILLUSTRATED VOLUMES</h2>
+
+
+<p style="font-weight: bold; font-size: 1.2em;">THE CITIES SERIES</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>In Japon vellum covers, 1/- net; bound in Japanese Vellum, with
+illustrations mounted, 2/6 net.</p></div>
+
+<p>
+<span style="font-weight: bold">1. A LITTLE BOOK OF LONDON</span><br />
+<span class="adsmall">25 DRAWINGS BY JOSEPH PENNELL.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="font-weight: bold">2. THE GREAT NEW YORK</span><br />
+<span class="adsmall">24 DRAWINGS IN PHOTOGRAVURE BY JOSEPH PENNELL.</span><br />
+</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>These reproductions of
+the 49 etchings in which he has registered the aspect of contemporary
+London and New York are among the most brilliant and incisive of Mr
+Pennell's contributions to art.</p></div>
+
+<p>
+<span style="font-weight: bold">3. THE CITY OF THE WEST</span><br />
+<span class="adsmall">24 DRAWINGS IN PHOTOGRAVURE BY JESSIE M. KING.</span><br />
+</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Miss Jessie M. King's twenty-four drawings of its duskier corners
+bring out an endearing side of the character of old Glasgow.</p></div>
+
+<p>
+<span style="font-weight: bold">4. THE GREY CITY OF THE NORTH</span><br />
+<span class="adsmall">24 DRAWINGS BY JESSIE M. KING.</span><br />
+</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>This collection of her work consists of a series of portraits of the Old
+Town of Edinburgh, their haunting delicacy and gnomish charm.</p></div>
+
+<p>
+<span style="font-weight: bold">5. R. L. STEVENSON: MEMORIES</span><br />
+</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>These twenty-five photographs from a private collection depict
+R. L. S., his father, his mother, his wife, his old nurse, his successive
+homes in Scotland and Samoa, the cottage at Swanston where he
+spent his holidays as a boy as well as that last resting-place on the
+summit of Vaea, which the natives call the shrine of Tusitala.</p><br /></div>
+
+
+<p><b>MANNERS &amp; CUSTOMS OF YE ENGLYSHE</b></p>
+
+<p>49 drawings by Richard Doyle, with letterpress by Percival Leigh.
+By far the best of Doyle's drawings were those which appeared in
+"Punch" under the title of "Manners and Customs of Ye Englishe."
+His sense of humour was as sturdy as his draughtsmanship
+was delicate and the union is comedy exquisite.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 25%;" />
+
+
+<p><b>THE SERVILE STATE</b></p>
+
+<p>By <span class="smcap">Hilaire Belloc</span>. The Servile State is a study of the tendency
+of modern legislation in industrial society and particularly in England
+not towards Socialism but towards the establishment of two
+legally separate classes, one a small class in possession of the means
+of production, the other a much larger class subjected to compulsory
+labour under the guarantee of a legal sufficiency to maintain
+themselves. The result of such an establishment and the forces
+working for and against it, as well as the remedies are fully discussed.
+234 pp. Cr. 8vo Boards, 1/- net. Buckram, 2/6 net.</p>
+
+
+<h4>T&middot;N&middot;FOULIS&middot;PUBLISHER</h4>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_269" id="Page_269">[Pg 269]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="PRESENTATION_VOLUMES_3" id="PRESENTATION_VOLUMES_3"></a>PRESENTATION VOLUMES</h2>
+
+
+<p><b>NELL GWYN</b></p>
+
+<p>By <span class="smcap">Cecil Chesterton</span>. The author has carried out the task entrusted
+to him with an admirable clearness and impartiality. The
+book is richly illustrated; the many portraits reflect the impudent,
+infamous, irresistible child-face in all its enchanting phases. Twenty
+illustrations&mdash;four in colour. 232 pp. Buckram, 5/- net. Velvet
+Persian and boxed, 7/6 net.</p>
+
+
+<p><b>LADY HAMILTON</b></p>
+
+<p>By <span class="smcap">E. Hallam Moorhouse</span>. "Out of all the vicissitudes of her
+extraordinary life she snatched one lasting triumph&mdash;her name
+spells beauty." The many fine portraits in this work demonstrate,
+as words can never do, that extraordinary nobility of temperament
+which was the main characteristic of Nelson's Cleopatra. Twenty-three
+illustrations&mdash;four in colour. 236 pp. Buckram, 5/- net.
+Velvet Persian and boxed, 7/6 net.</p>
+
+
+<p><b>MARIE ANTOINETTE</b></p>
+
+<p>By <span class="smcap">Francis Bickley</span>. A picturesque but restrained book. The
+illustrations are all reproductions of portraits. They prove, once
+more, the power which contemporary paintings have of making
+history intimate and real. Twenty illustrations&mdash;four in colour.
+204 pp. Buckram, 5/- net. Velvet Persian and boxed, 7/6 net.</p>
+
+
+<p><b>PRINCE CHARLIE</b></p>
+
+<p>By <span class="smcap">William Power</span>. It is curious to see how profoundly lives in
+themselves so ill-fated have the power to encourage and stimulate
+the reader. Few figures are more real than The Pretender's. His
+sufferings have been turned into songs and great stories; his old
+calamities are our present consolation. This volume contains reproduction
+in colour of sixteen Jacobite pictures and seven portraits
+in collotype. 200 pp. In Buckram, 5/- net; Velvet Persian, 7/6 net.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 25%;" />
+
+
+<p><b>RUB&Aacute;IY&Aacute;T OF OMAR KHAYY&Aacute;M</b></p>
+
+<p>Illus. by <span class="smcap">Frank Brangwyn</span>, R.A. The sumptuous virility of the
+artist's work is specially suitable for the purpose of sustaining and
+emphasising that element of lofty sensuousness of the whole impassioned
+song. With eight illustrations in colour. 120 pp.
+Buckram, 3/6 net. Velvet Persian and boxed, 5/- net.</p>
+
+<h4>T&middot;N&middot;FOULIS&middot;PUBLISHER</h4>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_270" id="Page_270">[Pg 270]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="SOME_FOULIS_BOOKLETS" id="SOME_FOULIS_BOOKLETS"></a>SOME FOULIS BOOKLETS</h2>
+
+
+<p><b>MAXIMS OF LIFE SERIES</b></p>
+
+<p>A set of miniature volumes, exquisitely produced, designed to hold
+the essence of the wisdom of some of the world's keenest intelligences.
+The <i>Napoleon</i> volume, for instance, thus contains the essential
+creed of the man who towered above his time like a Colossus.
+That of <i>Madame de S&eacute;vign&eacute;</i>, again, holds the attar of an
+intellect that dazzled the most brilliant court of France. In the <i>La
+Rochefoucauld</i> is the essence of the worldly wisdom of one of the
+cleverest judges of men and things. And the <i>George Sand</i> preserves
+the private philosophy which a passionate woman slowly distilled
+as she made her stormy pilgrimage through life. Each of these
+volumes, which contain illustrations in line and colour, is a slender
+casket of jewels. In decorative wrapper, 6d. net. Bound in Velvet
+Persian Yapp, 1/- net; also in Japon Vellum, 1/- net. 120 pp.</p>
+
+
+<p style="margin-left: 2em;">1. NAPOLEON<br />
+2. MADAME DE S&Eacute;VIGN&Eacute;<br />
+3. LA ROCHEFOUCAULD<br />
+4. GEORGE SAND<br />
+5. NIETZSCHE<br /><br />
+</p>
+
+
+<p><b>LES PETITS LIVRES D'OR</b></p>
+
+<p>The minted gold of French verse and prose has been packed away
+here and there are few of the French wits and poets whose works
+have not been rifled for these charming booklets. Not even in
+Paris, the home of <i>chic</i>, has anything of the sort been seen before.
+In designed covers, each illustrated in colour, 6d. net. In Velvet
+Persian, 1/- net.</p>
+
+
+<p style="margin-left: 2em;">1. UN PETIT LIVRE D'AMOUR<br />
+2. UN PETIT LIVRE D'AMITI&Eacute;<br />
+3. UN PETIT LIVRE DE SAGESSE<br />
+4. AUCASSIN ET NICOLETTE<br /><br />
+</p>
+
+
+<p><b>DIE ROSEN VOM PARNASS</b></p>
+
+<p>These are the German equivalents of the Foulis French <i>petits</i>, and,
+like the latter, they have created a small <i>furore</i> on the Continent.
+The delicately reproduced "full-page" illustrations are, once more,
+the work of some of the most distinguished Scottish and English
+painters. In designed covers, each illustrated in colour, 6d. net.
+In Velvet Persian, 1/- net.</p>
+
+
+<p style="margin-left: 2em;">
+1. LIEDER VON HEINE<br />
+2. DEUTSCHE LIEBESLIEDER<br />
+3. FREUNDSCHAFTSLIEDER<br />
+4. WANDERLIEDER<br /><br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>T&middot;N&middot;FOULIS&middot;PUBLISHER</h4>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="Transcribers_Note" id="Transcribers_Note"></a>Transcriber's Note:</h2>
+
+<p>Illustrations have been moved slightly to coincide with the mention of
+the person named in the caption. The hyperlinks in the <a href="#LIST_OF_PORTRAITS">List of Portraits</a> have been changed
+to reflect this movement. The page numbers in that list have not been changed.</p>
+
+<p>This book includes a lot of dialect, which often looks misspelled but
+was intentionally written that way. Therefore, some irregularities that
+might be errors have not been corrected in order to preserve author
+intent. Name variants (mostly occurring in the index) also have not been
+corrected. However, obvious errors have been corrected, and punctuation
+has been standardized where appropriate.</p>
+
+<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 30003 ***</div>
+</body>
+</html>
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+This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements,
+metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be
+in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES.
+
+Procedures for determining public domain status are described in
+the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org.
+
+No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in
+jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize
+this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright
+status under the laws that apply to them.
diff --git a/README.md b/README.md
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+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #30003 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/30003)
diff --git a/old/30003-0.txt b/old/30003-0.txt
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Law and Laughter, by 
+George Alexander Morton and Donald Macleod Malloch
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Law and Laughter
+
+Author: George Alexander Morton
+        Donald Macleod Malloch
+
+Release Date: September 16, 2009 [EBook #30003]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: UTF-8
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LAW AND LAUGHTER ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Bryan Ness, Rose Acquavella and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  LAW AND LAUGHTER
+
+
+  BY GEORGE A. MORTON
+  AND D. MACLEOD MALLOCH
+
+
+  ILLUSTRATED WITH PORTRAITS OF
+  EMINENT MEMBERS OF BENCH & BAR
+
+
+  T. N. FOULIS
+  LONDON & EDINBURGH
+  1913
+
+
+
+  _Published October 1913_
+
+
+  Printed by BALLANTYNE, HANSON & CO.
+  at the Ballantyne Press, Edinburgh
+
+
+
+
+  TO
+  THE MEMORY OF
+  D. MACLEOD MALLOCH
+
+
+
+
+    "As crafty lawyers to acquire applause
+    Try various arts to get a double cause,
+    So does an author, rummaging his brain,
+    By various methods, try to entertain."
+
+    PASQUIN.
+
+
+
+
+PREFACE
+
+
+The scope of this volume is indicated by its title--a presentation of
+the lighter side of law, as it is exhibited from time to time in the
+witty remarks, repartees, and _bon mots_ of the Bench and Bar of Great
+Britain, Ireland, and America. The idea of presenting such a collection
+of legal _facetiæ_ originated with the late Mr. D. Macleod Malloch, and
+it is greatly to be regretted that by his untimely death, his share of
+the work had reached the stage of selecting only about one-half of the
+material included in the book. His knowledge of law, and his wide
+reading in legal biography, was such as would have increased
+considerably the value of this volume.
+
+In addition to sources which are acknowledged in the text, I have to
+mention contributions drawn from the following works: W. D. Adams'
+_Modern Anecdotes_; W. Andrews' _The Lawyer in History, Literature and
+Humour_; Croake James's _Curiosities of Law_; F. R. O'Flanagan's _The
+Irish Bar_; and A. Engelbach's comprehensive and entertaining _Anecdotes
+of the Bench and Bar_. I am further indebted to Sir James Balfour Paul,
+Lyon King of Arms, for permission to include "The Circuiteer's Lament,"
+from the privately printed volume _Ballads of the Bench and Bar_, and to
+the editor of the _Edinburgh Evening Dispatch_ for a number of the more
+recent anecdotes in the Scottish chapters of the book.
+
+     GEO. A. MORTON.
+
+
+
+
+       LIST OF CONTENTS
+
+
+    I. THE JUDGES OF ENGLAND        PAGE 3
+
+   II. THE BARRISTERS OF ENGLAND        67
+
+  III. THE JUDGES OF IRELAND           107
+
+   IV. THE BARRISTERS OF IRELAND       127
+
+    V. THE JUDGES OF SCOTLAND          153
+
+   VI. THE ADVOCATES OF SCOTLAND       199
+
+  VII. THE AMERICAN BENCH AND BAR      223
+
+
+
+
+  LIST OF PORTRAITS
+
+
+  LORD THURLOW                                  _Frontispiece_
+
+    _From a painting by Thomas Phillips, R.A.
+    By permission of the Trustees of the National Portrait
+    Gallery._
+
+  EARL OF ROSSLYN                                     _Page_ 8
+
+  EARL OF MANSFIELD                                         16
+
+  EARL OF ELDON                                             20
+
+    _By permission of the Trustees of the Scottish National
+    Portrait Gallery._
+
+  LORD KENYON                                               24
+
+  LORD ERSKINE                                              32
+
+  LORD WESTBURY                                             36
+
+  LORD BROUGHAM                                             40
+
+  LORD CAMPBELL                                             44
+
+    _By permission of the Trustees of the National Portrait
+    Gallery, and Mr. Emery Walker._
+
+  LORD CHELMSFORD                                           48
+
+  SIR ALEXANDER COCKBURN                                    52
+
+    _By permission of Harry A. Cockburn, Esq._
+
+  LORD BRAMPTON (SIR HENRY HAWKINS)                         56
+
+  THE HON. MR. JUSTICE DARLING                              60
+
+    _From a photograph by C. Vandyk._
+
+  SIR SAMUEL MARTIN                                         64
+
+  THE HON. MR. JUSTICE GRANTHAM                             72
+
+    _From a photograph by Elliott & Fry, Ltd._
+
+  JOHN ADOLPHUS                                             76
+
+  SAMUEL WARREN, Q.C.                                       80
+
+  LORD ROMILLY                                              88
+
+  SERJEANT TALFOURD                                         96
+
+  VISCOUNT CARLETON                                        112
+
+    _By permission of the Trustees of the Scottish National
+    Portrait Gallery._
+
+  JOHN P. CURRAN                                           128
+
+    _By permission of the Trustees of the Scottish National
+    Portrait Gallery._
+
+  DANIEL O'CONNELL                                         144
+
+    _By permission of the Trustees of the Scottish National
+    Portrait Gallery._
+
+  LORD NEWTON                                              156
+
+  LORD ESKGROVE                                            160
+
+  LORD KAMES                                               164
+
+  LORD ELDIN                                               168
+
+  LORD COCKBURN                                            176
+
+  LORD BRAXFIELD                                           184
+
+    _By permission of the Trustees of the Scottish National
+    Portrait Gallery._
+
+  LORD YOUNG                                               192
+
+    _From a photograph by T. & R. Annan & Sons._
+
+  THE HON. HENRY ERSKINE                                   200
+
+    _By permission of the Trustees of the Scottish National
+    Portrait Gallery._
+
+  ANDREW CROSBIE                                           208
+
+    _By permission of the Faculty of Advocates._
+
+  THEOPHILUS PARSONS                                       224
+
+  RUFUS CHOATE                                             232
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER ONE
+
+THE JUDGES OF ENGLAND
+
+
+    "The man resolv'd and steady to his trust,
+    Inflexible to ill, and obstinately just,
+    May the rude rabble's insolence despise,
+    Their senseless clamours, and tumultuous cries;
+    The tyrant's fierceness he beguiles,
+    And the stern brow, and the harsh voice defies,
+    And with superior greatness smiles."
+
+    HORACE: _Odes_.
+
+
+    "The charge is prepared, the lawyers are set;
+    The judges are ranged, a terrible show."
+
+    _Beggar's Opera._
+
+
+
+
+  LAW AND LAUGHTER
+  BY GEORGE A. MORTON
+  AND D. MACLEOD MALLOCH
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER ONE
+
+THE JUDGES OF ENGLAND
+
+
+Mr. Justice Darling, whose witty remarks from the Bench are so much
+appreciated by his audiences in Court, and, it is rumoured, are not
+always received with approval by his brother judges, says, in his
+amusing book _Scintillæ Juris_:
+
+"It is a common error to suppose that our law has no sense of humour,
+because for the most part the judges who expound it have none."
+
+But law is, after all, a serious business--at any rate for the
+litigants--and it would appear also for the attorneys, for while
+witticisms of the Bench and Bar abound, very few are recorded of the
+attorney and his client. "Law is law" wrote the satirist who decided not
+to adopt it as a profession. "Law is like a country dance; people are
+led up and down in it till they are tired. Law is like a book of
+surgery--there are a great many terrible cases in it. It is also like
+physic--they who take least of it are best off. Law is like a homely
+gentlewoman--very well to follow. Law is like a scolding wife--very bad
+when it follows us. Law is like a new fashion--people are bewitched to
+get into it. It is also like bad weather--most people are glad when they
+get out of it."
+
+From very early times there have appeared on the Bench expounders of the
+law who by the phrase "for the most part" must be acquitted of Mr.
+Justice Darling's charge of having no sense of humour; judges who, like
+himself, have lightened the otherwise dreary routine of duty by
+pleasantries which in no way interfered with the course of justice. One
+of the earliest of our witty judges, whose brilliant sayings have come
+down to us, was Henry VIII's Lord Chancellor, Sir Thomas More, who lost
+his head because he would not acknowledge his king as head of the
+Church. To Sir Thomas Manners, Earl of Rutland, who had made a somewhat
+insolent remark, the Lord Chancellor quietly replied, 'Honores mutant
+mores'--Honours change manners. Sir Thomas's humour was what may be
+called _quiet_, because its effect did not immediately show itself in
+boisterous merriment, but would undoubtedly remain long in the
+remembrance of those to whom it was addressed. Made with as much
+courtesy as irony, is it likely his keeper in the Tower would ever
+forget his remark? "Assure yourself I do not dislike my cheer; but
+whenever I do, then spare not to thrust me out of your doors." Nor did
+his quaint humour desert him at the scaffold: "Master Lieutenant," said
+he, "I pray you see me safe up; for my coming down let me shift for
+myself." Even with his head on the block he could not resist a humorous
+remark, when putting aside his beard he said to the executioner, "Wait,
+my good friend, till I have removed my beard, for it has never offended
+his highness."
+
+Another judge of the sixteenth century, Sir Nicholas Bacon, who
+resembled Sir Thomas More in the gentleness of his happiest speeches,
+could also on occasion exhibit an unnecessary coarseness in his jocular
+retorts. A circuit story is told of him in which a convicted felon named
+Hog appealed for remission of his sentence on the ground that he was
+related to his lordship. "Nay, my friend," replied the judge, "you and I
+cannot be kindred except you be hanged, for hog is not bacon until it be
+well hung." This retort was not quite so coarse as that attributed to
+the Scottish judge, Lord Kames, two centuries later, who on sentencing
+to death a man with whom he had often played chess and very frequently
+been beaten, added after the solemn words of doom, "And noo, Matthew,
+ye'll admit that's checkmate for you."
+
+To Lord Chancellor Hatton, also an Elizabethan judge who aimed at
+sprightliness on the Bench, a clever _mot_ is attributed. The case
+before him was one concerning the limits of certain land. The counsel
+having remarked with emphasis, 'We lie on this side, my lord,' and the
+opposing counsel with equal vehemence having interposed, 'And we lie on
+this side, my lord'--the Lord Chancellor dryly observed, "If you lie on
+both sides, whom am I to believe?" It would seem that punning was as
+great a power in the Law Courts of that time as it is at the present
+day. When Egerton as Master of the Rolls was asked to commit a
+cause--refer it to a Master in Chancery--he would reply, "What has the
+cause done that it should be committed?"
+
+Many witticisms of Westminster Hall, attributed to barristers of the
+Georgian and Victorian periods, are traceable to a much earlier date.
+There is the story of Serjeant Wilkins, whose excuse for drinking a pot
+of stout at mid-day was, that he wanted to fuddle his brain down to the
+intellectual standard of a British jury. Two hundred and fifty years
+earlier, Sir John Millicent, a Cambridgeshire judge, on being asked how
+he got on with his brother judges replied, "Why, i' faithe, I have no
+way but to drink myself down to the capacity of the Bench." And this
+merry thought has also been attributed to one eminent barrister who
+became Lord Chancellor, and to more than one Scottish advocate who
+ultimately attained to a seat on the Bench.
+
+And to various celebrities of the later Georgian period has been
+attributed Lord Shaftesbury's reply to Charles II. When the king
+exclaimed, "Shaftesbury, you are the most profligate man in my
+dominions," the Chancellor answered somewhat recklessly, "Of a subject,
+sir, I believe I am."
+
+Bullying witnesses is an old practice of the Bar, but for instances of
+it emanating from the Bench one has to go very far back. A witness with
+a long beard was giving evidence that was displeasing to Jeffreys, when
+judge, who said: "If your conscience is as large as your beard, you'll
+swear anything." The old man retorted: "My lord, if your lordship
+measures consciences by beards, your lordship has none at all."
+
+A somewhat similar story of Jeffreys' bullying manner, when at the Bar,
+is that of his cross-examining a witness in a leathern doublet, who had
+made out a complete case against his client. Jeffreys shouted: "You
+fellow in the leathern doublet, pray what have you for swearing?" The
+man looked steadily at him, and "Truly, sir," said he, "if you have no
+more for lying than I have for swearing, you might wear a leathern
+doublet as well as I."
+
+Instances of disrespect to the Bench are rarely met with in early as
+happily in later days. There is, perhaps, the most flagrant example of
+young Wedderburn in the Scottish Court of Session, when with dramatic
+effect he threw off his gown and declared he would never enter the Court
+again; but he rose to be Lord Chancellor of England. Scarcely less
+disrespectful (but not said openly to the Bench) was young Edward Hyde
+when hinting that the death of judges was of small moment compared with
+his chances of preferment. "Our best news," he wrote to a friend, "is
+that we have good wine abundantly come over; our worst that the plague
+is in town, _and no judges die_."
+
+[Illustration: ALEXANDER WEDDERBURN, EARL OF ROSSLYN, LORD CHANCELLOR.]
+
+In squabbles between the Bench and the Bar there are few stories that
+match for personality the retort of a counsel to Lord Fortescue. His
+lordship was disfigured by a purple nose of abnormal growth.
+Interrupting counsel one day with the observation: "Brother, brother,
+you are handling the case in a very lame manner," the angry counsel
+calmly retorted, "Pardon me, my lord; have patience with me and I will
+do my best to make the case as plain as--as--the nose on your lordship's
+face." Nor did the retort of an Attorney-General to a judge, after a
+warm discussion on a point which the latter claimed to decide, show much
+respect for the Bench. The judge closed the argument with "I ruled so
+and so."--"_You_ ruled," muttered the Attorney-General. "_You_ ruled!
+You were never fit to rule anything but a copy-book."
+
+Verse has been used as a medium of much amusing legal wit and humour,
+although law and law cases do not offer very easy subjects for turning
+into rhyme. But a good illustration is afforded by Mr. Justice Powis,
+who had a habit of repeating the phrase, "Look, do you see," and "I
+humbly conceive." At York Assize Court on one occasion he said to Mr.
+Yorke, afterwards Lord Hardwicke, "Mr. Yorke, I understand you are going
+to publish a poetical version of 'Coke upon Lyttelton.' Will you
+favour me with a specimen?"--"Certainly, my lord," replied the
+barrister, who thereupon gravely recited:
+
+      "He that holdeth his lands in fee
+        Need neither shake nor shiver,
+      I humbly conceive, for, look, do you see,
+        They are his and his heirs for ever."
+
+In Sir James Burrows' reports is given a poetical version of Chief
+Justice Pratt's decision with regard to a woman of English birth who was
+the widow of a foreigner.
+
+      "A woman having a settlement,
+        Married a man with none,
+      The question was, he being dead,
+        If what she had was gone.
+
+      Quoth Sir John Pratt, 'The settlement
+        Suspended doth remain
+      Living the husband; but him dead
+        It doth revive again.'"
+
+  Chorus of Puisne Judges:
+
+      "Living the husband; but him dead
+        It doth revive again."
+
+The Chief Justice's decision having been reversed by his successor,
+Chief Justice Ryder's decision was reported:
+
+      "A woman having a settlement
+        Married a man with none;
+      He flies and leaves her destitute,
+        What then is to be done?
+
+      Quoth Ryder the Chief Justice,
+        'In spite of Sir John Pratt,
+      You'll send her to the parish
+        In which she was a brat.'
+
+      _Suspension of a settlement_
+        Is not to be maintained.
+      That which she had by birth subsists
+        Until another's gained."
+
+  Chorus of Puisne Judges:
+
+      "That which she had by birth subsists
+       Until another's gained."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: EDWARD THURLOW, BARON THURLOW. LORD CHANCELLOR.]
+
+Many of the well-known witticisms attributed to great judges are so
+tinged with personality--even tending to malignity--that no one
+possessing respect for human nature can read them without being tempted
+to regard them as mere biographical fabrications. But such a
+construction cannot be put upon the stories told of Lord Chancellor
+Thurlow, whose overbearing insolence to the Bar is well known. To a few
+friends like John Scott, Lord Eldon, and Lloyd Kenyon, Lord Kenyon, he
+could be consistently indulgent; but to those who provoked him by an
+independent and fearless manner he was little short of a persecutor.
+Once when Scott was about to follow his leader, who had made an
+unusually able speech, the Chancellor addressed him: "Mr. Scott, I am
+glad to find you are engaged in the cause, for I now stand some chance
+of knowing something about the matter." This same leader of the Bar on
+one occasion, in the excitement of professional altercation, made use of
+an undignified expression before Lord Thurlow; but before his lordship
+could take notice of it the counsel immediately apologised, saying, "My
+lord, I beg your lordship's pardon. I really forgot for the moment where
+I was." A silent recognition of the apology would have made the counsel
+feel his position more keenly, but the Chancellor could not let such an
+opportunity pass and immediately flashed out: "You thought you were in
+your own Court, I presume," alluding to a Welsh judgeship held by the
+offending counsel.
+
+As a contrast to Lord Thurlow's treatment of Scott's leader, the
+following story--given in Scott's own words--shows how the great
+Chancellor could unbend himself in the company of men who were in his
+favour. "After dinner, one day when nobody was present but Lord Kenyon
+and myself, Lord Thurlow said, 'Taffy, I decided a cause this morning,
+and I saw from Scott's face that he doubted whether I was right.'
+Thurlow then stated his view of the case, and Kenyon instantly said,
+'Your decision was quite right.' 'What say you to that?' asked the
+Chancellor. I said, 'I did not presume to form a case on which they were
+both agreed. But I think a fact has not been mentioned, which may be
+material.' I was about to state the fact, and my reasons. Kenyon,
+however, broke in upon me, and with some warmth stated that I was always
+so obstinate there was no dealing with me. 'Nay,' interposed Thurlow,
+'that's not fair. You, Taffy, are obstinate, and give no reasons. You,
+Jack, are obstinate too; but then you give your reasons, and d--d bad
+ones they are!'"
+
+Another anecdote again illustrates the Chancellor's treatment of even
+those who were on a friendly footing with him. Sir Thomas Davenport, a
+great Nisi Prius leader, had long flattered himself with the hope of
+succeeding to some valuable appointment in the law; but several good
+things passing by, he lost his patience and temper along with them. At
+last he addressed this laconic application to his patron: "The Chief
+Justiceship of Chester is vacant; am I to have it?" and received the
+following laconic answer: "No! by G--d! Kenyon shall have it."
+
+Scarcely less courteous was this Lord Chancellor's treatment of a
+solicitor who endeavoured to prove to him a certain person's death. To
+all his statements the Chancellor replied, "Sir, that is no proof," till
+at last the solicitor losing patience exclaimed: "Really, my lord, it is
+very hard and it is not right that you should not believe me. I knew the
+man well: I saw the man dead in his coffin. My lord, the man was my
+client." "Good G--d, sir! why didn't you tell me that sooner? I should
+not have doubted the fact one moment; for I think nothing can be so
+likely to kill a man as to have you for his attorney."
+
+As Keeper of the Great Seal Thurlow had the alternate presentation to a
+living with the Bishop of ----. The Bishop's secretary called upon the
+Lord Chancellor and said, "My Lord Bishop of ---- sends his compliments
+to your lordship, and believes that the next turn to present to ----
+belongs to his lordship."--"Give his lordship my compliments," replied
+the Chancellor, "and tell him that I will see him d--d first before he
+shall present."--"This, my lord," retorted the secretary, "is a very
+unpleasant message to deliver to a bishop." To which the Chancellor
+replied, "You are right, it is so; therefore tell the Bishop that _I
+will be_ d--d first before he shall present."
+
+Lord Campbell in his life of Thurlow says that in his youth the
+Chancellor was credited with wild excesses. There was a story, believed
+at the time, of some early amour with the daughter of a Dean of
+Canterbury, to which the Duchess of Kingston alluded when on her trial
+at the House of Lords. Looking Thurlow, then Attorney-General, full in
+the face she said, "That learned gentleman dwelt much on my faults, but
+I too, if I chose, could tell a Canterbury tale."
+
+But with all his bitterness and sarcasm Lord Thurlow had a genuine
+sense of humour, as the following story of his Cambridge days
+illustrates--days when he was credited with more disorderly pranks and
+impudent escapades than attention to study. "Sir," observed a tutor, "I
+never come to the window but I see you idling in the Court."--"Sir,"
+replied the future Lord Chancellor, "I never come into the Court but I
+see you idling at the window."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WILLIAM MURRAY, EARL OF MANSFIELD, LORD CHIEF JUSTICE.]
+
+Mansfield was not credited with lively sensibility, but his humanity was
+shocked at the thought of killing a man for a trifling theft. Trying a
+prisoner at the Old Baily on the charge of stealing in a dwelling-house
+to the value of 40_s._--when this was a capital offence--he advised the
+jury to find a gold trinket, the subject of the indictment, to be of
+less value. The prosecutor exclaimed with indignation, "Under 40_s._, my
+lord! Why, the _fashion_ alone cost me more than double the sum."--"God
+forbid, gentlemen, we should hang a man for fashion's sake," observed
+Lord Mansfield to the jury.
+
+An indictment was tried before him at the Assizes, preferred by parish
+officers for keeping an hospital for lying-in women, whereby the parish
+was burdened by illegitimate children. He expressed doubts whether this
+was an indictable offence, and after hearing arguments in support of it
+he thus gave his judgment. "We sit here under a Commission requiring us
+to _deliver_ this gaol, and the statute has been cited to make it
+unlawful to _deliver_ a woman who is with child. Let the indictment be
+quashed."
+
+Having met at supper the famous Dr. Brocklesby, he entered into familiar
+conversation with him, and there was an interchange of stories just a
+little trenching on the decorous. It so happened that the doctor had to
+appear next morning before Lord Mansfield in the witness-box; and on the
+strength of the previous evening's doings the witness, on taking up his
+position, nodded to the Chief Justice with offensive familiarity as to a
+boon companion. His lordship taking no notice of his salutation, but
+writing down his evidence, when he came to summing it up to the jury
+thus proceeded: "The next witness is one Rocklesby or Brocklesby,
+Brocklesby or Rocklesby--I am not sure which--and first he swears he is
+a physician."
+
+Lord Chief Baron Parker, in his eighty-seventh year, having observed to
+Lord Mansfield who was seventy-eight: "Your lordship and myself are now
+at sevens and eights," the younger Chief Justice replied: "Would you
+have us to be all our lives at sixes and sevens? But let us talk of
+young ladies and not old age."
+
+Trying an action which arose from the collision of two ships at sea, a
+sailor who gave an account of the accident said, "At the time I was
+standing abaft the binnacle."--"Where is abaft the binnacle?" asked
+Lord Mansfield; upon which the witness, who had taken a large share of
+grog before coming into Court, exclaimed loud enough to be heard by all
+present: "A pretty fellow to be a judge, who don't know where abaft the
+binnacle is!" Lord Mansfield, instead of threatening to commit him for
+contempt, said: "Well, my friend, fit me for my office by telling me
+where _abaft the binnacle is_; you have already shown me the meaning of
+_half-seas over_."
+
+On one occasion Lord Mansfield covered his retreat from an untenable
+position with a sparkling pleasantry. An old witness named ELM having
+given his evidence with remarkable clearness, although he was more than
+eighty years of age, Lord Mansfield examined him as to his habitual mode
+of living, and found he had been through life an early riser and a
+singularly temperate man. "Ay," remarked the Chief Justice, in a tone of
+approval, "I have always found that without temperance and early habits
+longevity is never attained." The next witness, the elder brother of
+this model of temperance, was then called, and he almost surpassed his
+brother as an intelligent and clear-headed utterer of evidence. "I
+suppose," observed Lord Mansfield, "that you are an early riser?"--"No,
+my lord," answered the veteran stoutly; "I like my bed at all hours, and
+special-_lie_ I like it of a morning."--"Ah, but like your brother, you
+are a very temperate man?" quickly asked the judge, looking out
+anxiously for the safety of the more important part of his theory. "My
+lord," responded this ancient Elm, disdaining to plead guilty to a
+charge of habitual sobriety, "I am a very old man, and my memory is as
+clear as a bell, but I can't remember the night when I've gone to bed
+without being more or less drunk."--"Ah, my lord," Mr. Dunning
+exclaimed, "this old man's case supports a theory unheld by many
+persons--that habitual intemperance is favourable to longevity."--"No,
+no," replied the Chief Justice with a smile; "this old man and his
+brother merely teach us what every carpenter knows--that Elm, whether it
+be wet or dry, is a very tough wood."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: JOHN SCOTT, EARL OF ELDON, LORD CHANCELLOR.]
+
+Lord Eldon's good humour gained him the affection of all counsel who
+practised before him, but there is one story--apocryphal it may be,
+coming from Lord Campbell--of a prejudice he had against Lord Brougham,
+who, in Scottish cases, frequently appeared before him in the House of
+Lords. Lord Eldon persisted in addressing the advocate as Mr. Bruffam.
+This was too much for Brougham, who was rather proud of the form and
+antiquity of his name, and who at last, in exasperation, sent a note to
+the Chancellor, intimating that his name was pronounced "Broom." At the
+conclusion of the argument the Chancellor stated, "Every authority upon
+the question has been brought before us: new Brooms sweep clean."
+
+As Lord Chancellor, Lord Eldon's great foible was an apparent inability
+to arrive at an early decision on any question: it was really a desire
+to weigh carefully all sides of a question before expressing his
+opinion. This hesitancy was expressed in the formula "I doubt," which
+became the subject of frequent jests among the members of the Bar.
+
+Sir George Rose, in absence of the regular reporter of Lord Eldon's
+decisions, was requested to take a note of any decision which should be
+given. As a full record of all that was material, which had occurred
+during the day, Sir George made the following entry in the reporter's
+notebook:
+
+    "Mr. Leach made a speech,
+    Angry, neat, but wrong;
+    Mr. Hart, on the other part,
+    Was heavy, dull, and long;
+    Mr. Parker made the case darker,
+    Which was dark enough without;
+    Mr. Cooke cited his book;
+    And the Chancellor said--I doubt."
+
+This _jeu d'esprit_, flying about Westminster Hall, reached the
+Chancellor, who was very much amused with it, notwithstanding the
+allusion to his doubting propensity. Soon after, Sir George Rose having
+to argue before him a very untenable proposition, he gave his opinion
+very gravely, and with infinite grace and felicity thus concluded: "For
+these reasons the judgment must be against your clients; and here, Sir
+George, the Chancellor does not _doubt_."
+
+The following was Lord Eldon's answer to an application for a piece of
+preferment from his old friend Dr. Fisher, of the Charter House:
+
+"DEAR FISHER,--I cannot, to-day, give you the preferment for which you
+ask.--I remain, your sincere friend, ELDON." Then, on the other side, "I
+gave it to you yesterday."
+
+According to his biographer, Lord Eldon caused a loud laugh while the
+old Duke of Norfolk was fast asleep in the House of Lords, and amusing
+their lordships with "that tuneful nightingale, his nose," by announcing
+from the woolsack, with solemn emphasis, that the Commons had sent up a
+bill for "enclosing and dividing Great Snoring in the county of
+Norfolk!"
+
+Like Lord Thurlow, Lord Eldon was in close intimacy with George III in
+the days when his Majesty's mind was supposed to be not very strong. "I
+took down to Kew," relates his lordship, "some Bills for his assent, and
+I placed on a paper the titles and the effect of them. The king, being
+perhaps suspicious that my coming down might be to judge of his
+competence for public business, as I was reading over the titles of the
+different Acts of Parliament he interrupted me and said: 'You are not
+acting correctly, you should do one of two things; either bring me down
+the Acts for my perusal, or say, as Thurlow once said to me on a like
+occasion, having read several he stopped and said, "It is all d--d
+nonsense trying to make you understand them, and you had better consent
+to them at once."'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It is not often, but it sometimes happens that a judge finds himself in
+conflict with members of the public who are under no restraint of
+professional privilege or etiquette. Some maintain the dignity of the
+Court by fining and committing for contempt. Occasionally this may be
+necessary, but it has been found that delicate ridicule is often more
+effective. An attorney, pleading his cause before Lord Ellenborough,
+became exasperated because the untenable points he continually raised
+were invariably overruled, and exclaimed, "My lord, my lord, although
+your lordship is so great a man now, I remember the time when I could
+have got your opinion for five shillings." With an amused smile his
+lordship quietly observed, "Sir, I say it was not worth the money."
+
+The same judge used to be greatly annoyed during the season of colds
+with the noise of coughing in Court. On one occasion, when disturbances
+of this kind recurred with more than usual frequency, he was seen
+fidgeting about in his seat, and availing himself of a slight
+cessation observed in his usual emphatic manner: "Some slight
+interruption one _might_ tolerate, but there seems to be an _industry_
+of coughing."
+
+As an illustration of figurative oratory a good story is told of a
+barrister pleading before Lord Ellenborough: "My lord, I appear before
+you in the character of an advocate for the City of London; my lord, the
+City of London herself appears before you as a suppliant for justice. My
+lord, it is written in the book of nature."--"What book?" said Lord
+Ellenborough. "The book of nature."--"Name the page," said his lordship,
+holding his pen uplifted, as if to note the page down.
+
+Moore relates the story of a noble lord in the course of one of his
+speeches saying, "I ask myself so and so," and repeating the words "I
+ask myself." "Yes," quietly remarked Lord Ellenborough, "and a d--d
+foolish answer you'll get."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The comparison of a father and son who have both ascended the Bench has
+afforded a good story of a famous Scottish advocate which is told later,
+and the following is an equally cutting retort from the Bench to any
+assumed superiority through such a connection. A son of Lord Chief
+Justice Willes (who rose to the rank of a Puisne Judge) was checked one
+day for wandering from the subject. "I wish that you would remember,"
+he exclaimed, "that I am the son of a Chief Justice." To which Justice
+Gould replied with great simplicity, "Oh, we remember your father, but
+he was a sensible man."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When hanging was the sentence, on conviction, for crimes--in these days
+termed offences--which are now punished by imprisonment, some judges
+from meting out the sentence of death almost indiscriminately came to be
+known as "hanging judges." Justice Page was one of them. When he was
+decrepit he perpetrated a joke against himself. Coming out of the Court
+one day and shuffling along the street a friend stopped him to inquire
+after his health. "My dear sir," the judge replied, "you see I keep just
+hanging on--hanging on."
+
+A Chief Justice of the "hanging" period, whose integrity was not above
+suspicion, was sitting in Court one day at his ease and lolling on his
+elbow, when a convict from the dock hurled a stone at him which
+fortunately passed over his head. "You see," said the learned man as he
+smilingly received the congratulations of those present--"you see now,
+if I had been an _upright judge_ I had been slain."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LLOYD KENYON, BARON KENYON, LORD CHIEF JUSTICE.]
+
+Some of the stories respecting Lord Kenyon's historical allusions and
+quotations are surely greatly exaggerated, or are pure inventions. In
+addressing a jury in a blasphemy case, he is reported to have said that
+the Emperor Julian "was so celebrated for the practice of every
+Christian virtue that he was called 'Julian the Apostle'"; and to have
+concluded an elaborate address in dismissing a grand jury with the
+following valediction: "Having thus discharged your consciences,
+gentlemen, you may return to your homes in peace, with the delightful
+consciousness of having performed your duties well, and may lay your
+heads on your pillows, saying to yourselves 'Aut Cæsar, aut nullus.'"
+And this was his remark on detecting the trick of an attorney to delay a
+trial: "This is the last hair in the tail of procrastination, and it
+must be plucked out."
+
+Among other failings attributed to this Lord Chief Justice was the
+extreme penuriousness he practised in his domestic arrangements and his
+dress. His shoes were patched to such an extent that little of their
+original material could be seen, and once when trying a case he was
+sitting on the bench in a way to expose them to all in Court. It was an
+action for breach of contract to deliver shoes soundly made, and to
+clinch a witness for the pursuer he suddenly asked, "Were the shoes
+anything like these?" pointing to his own. "No, my lord," replied the
+witness, "they were a good deal better and more genteeler."
+
+As an example of his (Lord Kenyon's) style of addressing a condemned
+prisoner we have the following. A butler had been charged and convicted
+of stealing his master's wine.
+
+"Prisoner at the bar, you stand convicted on the most conclusive
+evidence of a crime of inexpressible atrocity--a crime that defiles the
+sacred springs of domestic confidence, and is calculated to strike alarm
+into the breast of every Englishman who invests largely in the choicer
+vintages of Southern Europe. Like the serpent of old, you have stung the
+hand of your protector. Fortunate in having a generous employer, you
+might without discovery have continued to supply your wretched wife and
+children with the comforts of sufficient prosperity, and even with some
+of the luxuries of affluence; but, dead to every claim of natural
+affection, and blind to your own real interest, you burst through all
+the restraints of religion and morality, and have for many years been
+_feathering_ your nest with your master's _bottles_."
+
+Lord Kenyon was warmly attached to George III, who had a high opinion of
+him; but like many of his lordship's contemporaries, his Majesty
+strongly deprecated the frequent outbursts of temper on the part of his
+Chief Justice. "At a levee, soon after an extraordinary explosion of
+ill-humour in the Court of King's Bench, his Majesty said to him: 'My
+Lord Chief Justice, I hear that you have lost your temper, and from my
+great regard for you, I am very glad to hear it, for I hope you will
+find a better one.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Of Lord Chief Justice Tenterden, Lord Campbell asserts that he once, and
+only once, uttered a pun. A learned gentleman, who had lectured on the
+law and was too much addicted to oratory came to argue a special
+demurrer before him. "My client's opponent," said the figurative
+advocate, "worked like a mole under ground, _clam et secretè_." His
+figures only elicited a grunt from the Chief Justice. "It is asserted in
+Aristotle's _Rhetoric_--."--"I don't want to hear what is asserted in
+Aristotle's _Rhetoric_," interposed Lord Tenterden. The advocate shifted
+his ground and took up, as he thought, a safe position. "It is laid down
+in the _Pandects_ of Justinian--." "Where are you got now?" "It is a
+principle of the civil law--." "Oh sir," exclaimed the judge, with a
+tone and voice which abundantly justified his assertion, "we have
+nothing to do with the _civil_ law in this Court."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Judges sometimes stray into humour without intending it. At an election
+petition trial one allegation was, that a number of rosettes, or "marks
+of distinction," had been kept in a table drawer in the central
+committee-room. To meet this charge it was thought desirable to call
+witnesses to swear that the only table in the room consisted of planks
+laid on trestles. "So that the table had no proper legs," said counsel
+cheerfully. "Never mind whether it had proper legs," said one of the
+learned judges. "The more important question is: Had it drawers?"
+
+And in _The Story of Crime_ the author recalls an instance of a judge
+unconsciously furnishing material for laughter in Court. "At the
+beginning of the session at the Old Baily a good deal of work is got
+through by the judge who takes the small cases, and it may be this fact
+that accounted for the confusion of thought which he describes. One of
+the prisoners was charged with stealing a camera, and after all the
+evidence had been taken his lordship proceeded to sum up to the jury. He
+began by correctly describing the stolen article as a camera, but had
+not gone very far before the camera had become a concertina, and by the
+time he had finished the concertina had become an accordion. And he
+never once saw his mistake. The usher noticed it at the first trip, and
+kept repeating in a kind of hoarse stage-whisper, 'Camera! Camera!' but
+his voice did not reach the Bench, and so the complicated article
+remained on record."
+
+Mr. Andrews in his book, _The Lawyer in History, Literature, and
+Humour_, relates that a leader of the Bar on rising to address the
+drowsy jury after a ponderous oration by Sir Samuel Prime, said:
+"Gentlemen, after the long speech of the learned serjeant--" "Sir, I
+beg your pardon," interrupted Mr. Justice Nares, "you might say--you
+might say--after the long soliloquy, for my brother Prime has been
+talking an hour to himself."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THOMAS ERSKINE, BARON ERSKINE, LORD CHANCELLOR.]
+
+Thomas, Lord Erskine was the youngest of three brothers, who were all
+distinguished men. The eldest was the well-known Earl of Buchan, one of
+the founders of the Society of Antiquaries of Scotland, whose
+eccentricities formed the subject of much gossip in the Scottish
+capital. To an English nobleman he declared: "My brothers Harry and Tom
+are certainly remarkable men, but they owe everything to me." Seeing a
+look of surprise upon his friend's face he added: "Yes, it is true; they
+owe everything to me. On my father's death they pressed me for an annual
+allowance. I knew this would have been their ruin, by relaxing their
+industry. So making a sacrifice of my inclinations to gratify them I
+refused to give them a farthing, and they have thriven ever
+since--_owing everything to me_."
+
+Henry, the second brother, was universally beloved and respected, and one
+of the most popular advocates at the Scottish Bar. He was twice
+Lord-Advocate for Scotland--on the second occasion under the Ministry of
+"All the Talents," when his younger brother was Lord Chancellor. He was
+famous in the Parliament House and outside of it for his witticisms, a
+selection of which will be given later.
+
+Thomas, who became Lord Chancellor, obtained an unique influence while
+practising at the Bar, and, like his older brother, he was a universal
+favourite. "Juries have declared," said Lord Brougham, "that they have
+felt it impossible to remove their looks from him when he had riveted,
+and as it were fascinated, them by his first glance. Then hear his
+voice, of surpassing sweetness, clear, flexible, strong, exquisitely
+fitted to strains of serious earnestness." Yet although he did not rely
+on wit, or humour, or sarcasm in addressing a jury, he could use them to
+effect in cross-examination. "You were born and bred in Manchester, I
+perceive," he said to a witness. "Yes."--"I knew it," said Erskine
+carelessly, "from the absurd tie of your neckcloth." The witness'
+presence of mind was gone, and he was made to unsay the greatest part of
+his evidence in chief. Another witness confounding 'thick' whalebone
+with 'long' whalebone, and unable to distinguish the difference after
+counsel's explanation, Erskine exclaimed, "Why, man, you do not seem to
+know the difference between what is _thick_ or what is _long_! Now I
+tell you the difference. You are _thick_-headed, and you are not
+_long_-headed."
+
+Lord Erskine's addiction to punning is well known, and many examples
+might be cited. An action was brought against a stable-keeper for not
+taking proper care of a horse. "The horse," said counsel for the
+plaintiff, "was turned into the stable, with nothing to eat but musty
+hay. To such the horse 'demurred.'"--"He should have 'gone to the
+country,'" at once retorted Lord Erskine. For the general reader it
+should be explained that "demurring" and "going to the country" are
+technical terms for requiring a cause to be decided on a question of law
+by the judge, or on a question of fact by the jury. Here is another. A
+low-class attorney who was much employed in bail-business and moving
+attachments against the sheriff for not "bringing in the body"--that is,
+not arresting and imprisoning a debtor, when such was the law--sold his
+house in Lincoln's Inn Fields to the Corporation, of Surgeons to be used
+as their Hall. "I suppose it was recommended to them," said Erskine,
+"from the attorney being so well acquainted 'with the practice of
+bringing in the body!'"
+
+Perhaps one of his smartest puns he relates himself. "A case being laid
+before me by my veteran friend, the Duke of Queensberry--better known as
+'old Q'--as to whether he could sue a tradesman for breach of contract
+about the painting of his house; and the evidence being totally
+insufficient to support the case, I wrote thus: 'I am of opinion that
+this action will not lie unless the witnesses do.'"
+
+He was also fond of a practical joke. In answer to a circular letter
+from Sir John Sinclair, proposing that a testimonial should be presented
+to himself for his eminent public services, Lord Erskine replied:
+
+     "MY DEAR SIR JOHN,--I am certain there are few in this kingdom
+     who set a higher value on your public services than myself;
+     and I have the honour to subscribe"--then, on turning over the
+     leaf, was to be found--"myself, your most obedient faithful
+     servant,
+
+     "ERSKINE."
+
+"Gentlemen of the jury," were his closing words after an impassioned
+address, "the reputation of a cheesemonger in the City of London is like
+the bloom upon a peach. Breathe upon it, and it is gone for ever."
+
+Among many apocryphal stories told of expedients by which smart counsel
+have gained verdicts, this one respecting a case in which Mr. Justice
+Gould was the judge and Erskine counsel for the defendant is least
+likely of credit. The judge entertained a most unfavourable opinion of
+the defendant's case, but being very old was scarcely audible, and
+certainly unintelligible, to the jury. While he was summing up the case,
+Erskine, sitting on the King's Counsel Bench, and full in the view of
+the jury, nodded assent to the various remarks which fell from the
+judge; and the jury, imagining that they had been directed to find for
+the defendant, immediately did so.
+
+When at the Bar, Erskine was always encouraged by the appreciation of
+his brother barristers. On one occasion, when making an unusual exertion
+on behalf of a client, he turned to Mr. Garrow, who was his colleague,
+and not perceiving any sign of approbation on his countenance, he
+whispered to him, "Who do you think can get on with that d--d wet
+blanket face of yours before him."
+
+Nor did he always exhibit graciousness to older members. One nervous old
+barrister named Lamb, who usually prefaced his pleadings with an
+apology, said to Erskine one day that he felt more timid as he grew
+older. "No wonder," replied Erskine, "the older the lamb the more
+sheepish he grows."
+
+When he was Lord Chancellor he was invited to attend the ministerial
+fish dinner at Greenwich--known in later years as the Whitebait
+Dinner--he replied: "To be sure I will attend. What would your fish
+dinner be without the Great Seal?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When a stupid jury returns an obviously wrong verdict the judge must
+feel himself in an awkward position; but in such cases--if they ever
+occur now--a good precedent has been set by Mr. Justice Maule who, when
+in that predicament, addressed the prisoner in these terms:
+
+"Prisoner, your counsel thinks you innocent, the prosecution thinks you
+innocent, and I think you innocent. But a jury of your own
+fellow-countrymen, in the exercise of such common sense as they possess,
+have found you guilty, and it remains that I should pass sentence upon
+you. You will be imprisoned for one day, and as that day was yesterday,
+you are free to go about your business."
+
+"May God strike me dead! my lord, if I did it," excitedly exclaimed a
+prisoner who had been tried before the same justice for a serious
+offence, and a verdict of "guilty" returned by the jury. The judge
+looked grave, and paused an unusually long time before saying a word. At
+last, amid breathless silence, he began: "As Providence has not seen fit
+to interpose in your case, it now becomes my duty to pronounce upon you
+the sentence of the law," &c. When somewhat excited over a very bad case
+tried before him he would delay sentence until he felt calmer, lest his
+impulse or his temper should lead him astray. On one such occasion he
+exclaimed, "I can't pass sentence now. I might be too severe. I feel as
+if I could give the man five-and-twenty years' penal servitude. Bring
+him up to-morrow when I feel calmer."--"Thank you, my lord," said the
+prisoner, "I know you will think better of it in the morning." Next
+day the man appeared in the dock for sentence. "Prisoner," said the
+judge, "I was angry yesterday, but I am calm to-day. I have spent a
+night thinking of your awful deeds, and I find on inquiry I can sentence
+you to penal servitude for life. I therefore pass upon you that
+sentence. I have thought better of what I was inclined to do yesterday."
+
+There are instances of brief summing up of a case by judges, but few in
+the terms expressed by this worthy judge. "If you believe the witnesses
+for the plaintiff, you will find for the defendant; if you believe the
+witnesses for the defendant, you will find for the plaintiff. If, like
+myself, you don't believe any of them, Heaven knows which way you will
+find. Consider your verdict."
+
+To Mr. Justice Maule a witness said: "You may believe me or not, but I
+have stated not a word that is false, for I have been wedded to truth
+from my infancy."--"Yes, sir," said the judge dryly; "but the question
+is, _how long have you been a widower?_"
+
+In the good old days a learned counsel of ferocious mien and loud voice,
+practising before him, received a fine rebuke from the justice. No reply
+could be got from an elderly lady in the box, and the counsel appealed
+to the judge. "I really cannot answer," said the trembling lady. "Why
+not, ma'am?" asked the judge. "Because, my lord, he frightens me
+so."--"So he does me, ma'am," replied the judge.
+
+He was as a rule patient and forbearing, and seldom interfered with
+counsel in their mode of laying cases before a jury or the Bench, but
+once he was fairly provoked to do so, by the confused blundering way in
+which one of them was trying to instil a notion of what he meant into
+the minds of the jury. "I am sorry to interfere, Mr. ----," said the
+judge, "but do you not think that, by introducing a little order into
+your narrative, you might possibly render yourself a trifle more
+intelligible? It may be my fault that I cannot follow you--I know that
+my brain is getting old and dilapidated; but I should like to stipulate
+for some sort of order. There are plenty of them. There is the
+chronological, the botanical, the metaphysical, the geographical--even
+the alphabetical order would be better than no order at all."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Baron Thomson, of the Court of Exchequer, was asked how he got on in his
+Court with the business, when he sat between Chief Baron Macdonald and
+Baron Graham. He replied, "What between snuff-box on one side, and
+chatterbox on the other, we get on pretty well!"
+
+Sir Richard Bethel, Lord Westbury, and Lord Campbell were on very
+friendly terms. An amusing story is told of a meeting of the two in
+Westminster Hall, when the first rumour of Lord Campbell's appointment
+as Lord Chancellor was current. The day being cold for the time of the
+year, Lord Campbell had gone down to the House of Lords in a fur coat,
+and Bethel, observing this, pretended not to recognise him. Thereupon
+Campbell came up to him and said: "Mr. Attorney, don't you know me?"--"I
+beg your pardon, my lord," was the reply. "I mistook you for the _Great
+Seal_."
+
+[Illustration: RICHARD BETHEL, BARON WESTBURY, LORD CHANCELLOR.]
+
+Lord Cranworth, Vice-Chancellor, after hearing Sir Richard Bethel's
+argument in an appeal, said he "would turn the matter over in his mind."
+Sir Richard turning to his junior with his usual bland calm utterance
+said: "Take a note of that; his honour says he will turn it over in what
+he is pleased to call his mind."
+
+Sir James Scarlett, Lord Abinger, had to examine a witness whose
+evidence would be somewhat dangerous unless he was thrown off his guard
+and "rattled." The witness in question--an influential man, whose
+vulnerable point was said to be his self-esteem--was ushered into the
+box, a portly overdressed person, beaming with self-assurance. Looking
+him over for a few minutes without saying a word Sir James opened fire:
+"Mr. Tompkins, I believe?"--"Yes."--"You are a stockbroker, I believe,
+are you not?"--"I ham." Pausing for a few seconds and making an
+attentive survey of him, Sir James remarked sententiously, "And a very
+fine and well-dressed ham you are, sir."
+
+In a breach of promise case Scarlett appeared for the defendant, who was
+supposed to have been cajoled into the engagement by the plaintiff's
+mother, a titled lady. The mother, as a witness, completely baffled the
+defendant's clever counsel when under his cross-examination; but by one
+of his happiest strokes of advocacy, Scarlett turned his failure into
+success. "You saw, gentlemen of the jury, that I was but a child in her
+hands. _What must my client have been?_"
+
+Sir James was a noted cross-examiner and verdict-getter, but on one
+occasion he was beaten. Tom Cooke, a well-known actor and musician in
+his day, was a witness in a case in which Sir James had him under
+cross-examination.
+
+Scarlett: "Sir, you say that the two melodies are the same, but
+different; now what do you mean by that, sir?"
+
+Cooke: "I said that the notes in the two copies are alike, but with a
+different accent."
+
+Scarlett: "What is a musical accent?"
+
+Cooke: "My terms are nine guineas a quarter, sir."
+
+Scarlett (ruffled): "Never mind your terms here. I ask you what is a
+musical accent? Can you see it?"
+
+Cooke: "No."
+
+Scarlett: "Can you feel it?"
+
+Cooke: "A musician can."
+
+Scarlett (angrily): "Now, sir, don't beat about the bush, but explain to
+his lordship and the jury, who are expected to know nothing about music,
+the meaning of what you call accent."
+
+Cooke: "Accent in music is a certain stress laid upon a particular note,
+in the same manner as you would lay stress upon a given word, for the
+purpose of being better understood. For instance, if I were to say, 'You
+are an _ass_,' it rests on ass, but if I were to say, '_You_ are an
+ass,' it rests on you, Sir James." The judge, with as much gravity as he
+could assume, then asked the crestfallen counsel, "Are you satisfied,
+Sir James."--"The witness may go down," was the counsel's reply.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Lord Justice Holt, when a young man, was very dissipated, and belonged
+to a club, most of whose members took an infamous course of life. When
+his lordship was engaged at the Old Baily a man was convicted of highway
+robbery, whom the judge remembered to have been one of his early
+companions. Moved by curiosity, Holt, thinking the man did not recognise
+him, asked what had become of his old associates. The culprit making a
+low bow, and giving a deep sigh, replied, "Oh, my lord, they are all
+hanged but your lordship and I."
+
+We have already given examples of personalities in the retorts of
+counsel upon members of the Bench, and if the same derogatory reflection
+can be traced in the two following anecdotes of judges' retorts on
+counsel, it is at least veiled in finer sarcasm. A nervous young
+barrister was conducting a first case before Vice-Chancellor Bacon, and
+on rising to make his opening remarks began in a faint voice: "My lord,
+I must apologise--er--I must apologise, my lord"--"Go on, sir," said his
+lordship blandly; "so far the Court is with you." The other comes from
+an Australian Court. Counsel was addressing Chief Justice Holroyd when a
+portion of the plaster of the Court ceiling fell, and he stopping his
+speech for the moment, incautiously advanced the suggestion, "Dry rot
+has probably been the cause of that, my lord."--"I am quite of your
+opinion, Mr. ----," observed his lordship.
+
+On the other hand, judges can be severely personal at times, and Lord
+Justice Chitty was almost brutal in a case where counsel had been
+arguing to distraction on a bill of sale. "I will now proceed to address
+myself to the furniture--an item covered by the bill," counsel
+continued. "You have been doing nothing else for the last hour,"
+lamented the weary judge.
+
+And Mr. Justice Wills once made a rather cutting remark to a barrister.
+The barrister was, in the judge's private opinion, simply wasting the
+time of the Court, and, in the course of a long-winded speech, he dwelt
+at quite unnecessary length on the appearance of certain bags connected
+with the case. "They might," he went on pompously, "they might have been
+full bags, or they might have been half-filled bags, or they might even
+have been empty bags, or--."--"Or perhaps," dryly interpolated the
+judge, "they might have been wind-bags!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HENRY BROUGHAM, BARON BROUGHAM AND VAUX, LORD
+CHANCELLOR.]
+
+When Lord Brougham attained the position of Lord Chancellor he was
+greatly addicted to the habit of writing during the course of counsel's
+argument of the case being heard before him. On one occasion this
+practice so annoyed Sir Edward Sugden, whenever he noticed it, that he
+paused in the course of his argument, expecting his lordship to stop
+writing; but the Chancellor, without even looking up, remarked, "Go on,
+Sir Edward; I am listening to you."--"I observe that your lordship is
+engaged in writing, and not favouring me with your attention," replied
+Sir Edward. "I am signing papers of mere form," warmly retorted the
+Chancellor. "You may as well say that I am not to blow my nose or take
+snuff while you speak."
+
+When counsel at the Bar, a witness named John Labron was thus
+cross-examined by Brougham at York Assizes:
+
+"What are you?"
+
+"I am a farmer, and malt a little."
+
+"Do you know Dick Strother?"
+
+"No."
+
+"Upon your oath, sir, are you not generally known by the name of Dick
+Strother?"
+
+"That has nothing to do with this business."
+
+"I insist upon hearing an answer. Have you not obtained that name?"
+
+"I am sometimes called so."
+
+"Now, Dick, as you admit you are so called, do you know the story of the
+hare and the ball of wax?"
+
+"I have heard it."
+
+"Then pray have the goodness to relate it to the judge and the jury."
+
+"I do not exactly remember it."
+
+"Then I will refresh your memory by relating it myself. Dick Strother
+was a cobbler, and being in want of a hare for a friend, he put in his
+pocket a ball of wax and took a walk into the fields, where he soon
+espied one. Dick then very dexterously threw the ball of wax at her
+head, where it stuck, which so alarmed poor puss that in the violence of
+her haste she ran in contact with the head of another; both stuck fast
+together, and Dick, lucky Dick! caught both. Dick obtained great
+celebrity by telling this wondrous feat, which he always affirmed as a
+truth, and from that every notorious liar in Thorner bears the title
+of Dick Strother. Now, Dick--I mean John--is not that the reason why you
+are called Dick Strother?"
+
+"It may be so."
+
+"Then you may go."
+
+The same turbulent spirit (Lord Brougham) fell foul of many other law
+lords. It is well known that in a speech made at the Temple he accused
+Lord Campbell, who had just published his _Lives of the Chancellors_, of
+adding a new terror to death. Lord Campbell tells an amusing story which
+shows that he could retort with effect upon his noble and learned
+friend. He says that he called one morning upon Brougham at his house in
+Grafton Street, who "soon rushed in very eagerly, but suddenly stopped
+short, exclaiming, 'Lord bless me, is it you? They told me it was
+Stanley'; and notwithstanding his accustomed frank and courteous manner,
+I had some difficulty in fixing his attention. In the evening I stepped
+across the House to the Opposition Bench, where Brougham and Stanley
+were sitting next each other, and, addressing the latter in the hearing
+of the former, I said, 'Has our noble and learned friend told you the
+disappointment he suffered this morning? He thought he had a visit from
+the Leader of the Protectionists to offer him the Great Seal, and it
+turned out to be only Campbell come to bore him about a point of Scotch
+law.' _Brougham_: 'Don't mind what Jack Campbell says; he has a
+prescriptive privilege to tell lies of all Chancellors, dead and
+living.'"
+
+According to the same authority, Brougham was at one time very anxious
+to be made an earl, but his desire was entirely quenched when Lord John
+Russell gave an earldom to Lord Chancellor Cottenham. He is said to have
+been so indignant that he either wrote or dictated a pamphlet in which
+the new creation was ridiculed, and to which was appended the
+significant motto, "The offence is rank."
+
+The common feeling with regard to Sir James Scarlett's (Lord Abinger)
+success in gaining verdicts led to the composition of the following
+pleasantry, attributed to Lord Campbell. "Whereas Scarlett had contrived
+a machine, by using which, while he argued, he could make the judges'
+heads nod with pleasure, Brougham in course of time got hold of it; but
+not knowing how to manage it when he argued, the judges, instead of
+nodding, shook their heads."
+
+And it is Lord Campbell who has preserved the following specimen of a
+judge's concluding remarks to a prisoner convicted of uttering a forged
+one-pound note. After having pointed out to him the enormity of the
+offence, and exhorted him to prepare for another world, added: "And I
+trust that through the merits and the mediation of our Blessed Redeemer,
+you may there experience that mercy which a due regard to the _credit
+of the paper currency_ of the country forbids you to hope for here."
+
+Campbell married Miss Scarlett, a daughter of Lord Abinger, and was
+absent from Court when a case in which he was to appear was called
+before Mr. Justice Abbot. "I thought, Mr. Brougham," said his lordship,
+"that Mr. Campbell was in this case?"--"Yes, my lord," replied Mr.
+Brougham, with that sarcastic look peculiarly his own. "He was, my lord,
+but I understand he is ill."--"I am sorry to hear that, Mr. Brougham,"
+said the judge. "My lord," replied Mr. Brougham, "it is whispered here
+that the cause of my learned friend's absence is scarlet fever."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: JOHN CAMPBELL, BARON CAMPBELL, LORD CHANCELLOR.]
+
+In his native town of Cupar, Fife, Lord Chancellor Campbell's abilities
+and position were not so much appreciated as they were elsewhere. This
+was a sore point with his father, who was parish minister, and when the
+son was not selected by the town authorities to conduct their legal
+business in London the future Lord Chancellor also felt affronted. On
+the publication of the _Lives of the Chancellors_ some of his townsmen
+wrote asking him to present a copy to the local library of his native
+town, which gave Campbell an opportunity to square accounts with them
+for their past neglect of him, for he curtly replied to their request
+that "they could purchase the book from any bookseller." An old lady of
+the town relating some gossip about the Campbell family said, "They
+meant John for the Church, but he went to London _and got on very
+well_." Such was the good lady's idea of the relative positions of
+minister of a Scottish parish and Lord Chancellor of England.
+
+The difference in the pronunciation of a word led to an amiable contest
+between Lord Campbell and a learned Q.C. In an action to recover damages
+to a carriage the counsel called the vehicle a "brougham," pronouncing
+both syllables of the word. Lord Campbell pompously observed, "Broom is
+the usual pronunciation--a carriage of the kind you mean is not
+incorrectly called a 'Broom'--that pronunciation is open to no grave
+objection, and it has the advantage of saving the time consumed by
+uttering an extra syllable." Later in the trial Lord Campbell alluding
+to a similar case referred to the carriage which had been injured as an
+"Omnibus."--"Pardon me, my lord," interposed the Q.C., "a carriage of
+the kind to which you draw attention is usually termed a 'bus'; that
+pronunciation is open to no grave objection, and it has the great
+advantage of saving the time consumed by uttering _two_ extra
+syllables."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SIR SAMUEL MARTIN, BARON OF EXCHEQUER.]
+
+Mr. Martin (afterwards Baron Martin), when at the Bar, was addressing
+the Court in an insurance case, when he was interrupted by Baron
+Alderson, who said, "Mr. Martin, do you think any office would insure
+your life?"--"Certainly, my lord," replied Mr. Martin, "mine is a very
+good life."--"You should remember, Mr. Martin, that yours is brief
+existence."
+
+This judge's reason for releasing a juryman from duty was equally smart.
+The juryman in question confessed that he was deaf in one ear. "Then
+leave the box before the trial begins," observed his lordship; "it is
+necessary that the jurymen should hear _both_ sides."
+
+Baron Martin was one of the good-natured judges who from the following
+story seem to stretch that amiable quality to its fullest extent. In
+sentencing a man convicted of a petty theft he said: "Look, I hardly
+know what to do with you, but you can take six months."--"I can't take
+that, my lord," said the prisoner; "it's too much. I can't take it; your
+lordship sees I did not steal very much after all." The Baron indulged
+in one of his characteristic chuckling laughs, and said: "Well that's
+vera true; ye didn't steal _much_. Well then, ye can tak' _four_. Will
+that do--four months?"--"No, my lord, but I can't take that
+neither."--"Then take _three_."--"That's nearer the mark, my lord,"
+replied the prisoner, "but I'd rather you'd make it _two_, if you'll be
+so kind."--"Very well then, tak' two," said the judge; "and don't come
+again. If you do, I'll give you--well, it'll all depend."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FREDERICK THESIGER, BARON CHELMSFORD, LORD CHANCELLOR.]
+
+Lord Erskine's punning upon legal terms has already been noticed, but no
+better quip is recorded than that of Lord Chelmsford, when as Sir
+Frederick Thesiger, and a leader at the Bar, he took exception to the
+irregular examination of a witness by a learned serjeant. "I have a
+right," maintained the serjeant, "to deal with my witness as I
+please."--"To that I offer no objection," retorted Sir Frederick. "You
+may _deal_ as you like, but you shan't _lead_."
+
+On all occasions Samuel Warren, the author of _Ten Thousand a Year_, was
+given to boasting, at the Bar mess, of his intimacy with members of the
+peerage. One day he was saying that, while dining lately at the Duke of
+Leeds, he was surprised at finding no fish of any kind was served. "That
+is easily accounted for," said Thesiger; "they had probably eaten it all
+_upstairs_."
+
+Walking down St. James's Street one day, Lord Chelmsford was accosted by
+a stranger, who exclaimed, "Mr. Birch, I believe."--"If you believe
+that, sir, you'll believe anything," replied his lordship as he passed
+on.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SIR ALEXANDER COCKBURN, BART., LORD CHIEF JUSTICE.]
+
+In the recently published _Cockburn Family Records_ the following is
+told of the Chief Justice's ready wit:
+
+"At a certain trial an extremely pretty girl was called as a witness.
+The Lord Chief Justice was very particular about her giving her full
+name and address. Of course he took note. So did the sheriff's officer!
+That evening they both arrived at the young lady's door simultaneously,
+whereupon Sir Alexander tapped the officer on the shoulder, remarking,
+'No, no, no, Mr. Sheriff's Officer, judgment first, execution
+afterwards!'"
+
+There never was a barrister whose rise at the Bar was more rapid or
+remarkable than that of Sir Alexander Cockburn, and along with him was
+his friend and close associate as a brother lawyer of the Crown and
+Bencher of the same Inn, Sir Richard Bethel, who became Lord Chancellor
+a few years after Sir Alexander was made Chief Justice. Sir Richard once
+said to his colleague, "My dear fellow, equity will swallow up your
+common law."--"I don't know about that," said Sir Alexander, "but you'll
+find it rather hard of digestion."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Although the wit of Lord Justice Knight Bruce was somewhat sarcastic it
+was rarely so severe as that of Lord Westbury. There was always a tone
+of good humour about it. He had indeed a kind of grave judicial waggery,
+which is well exemplified in the following judgment in a separation suit
+between an attorney and his wife. "The Court has been now for several
+days occupied in the matrimonial quarrels of a solicitor and his wife.
+He was a man not unaccustomed to the ways of the softer sex, for he
+already had nine children by three successive wives. She,
+however--herself a widow--was well informed of these antecedents; and it
+appears did not consider them any objection to their union; and they
+were married. No sooner were they united, however, than they were
+unhappily disunited by unhappy disputes as to her property. These
+disputes disturbed even the period usually dedicated to the softer
+delights of matrimony, and the honeymoon was occupied by endeavours to
+induce her to exercise a testamentary power of appointment in his
+favour. She, however, refused, and so we find that in due course, at the
+end of the month, he brought home with some disgust his still intestate
+bride. The disputes continued, until at last they exchanged the
+irregular quarrels of domestic strife for the more disciplined warfare
+of Lincoln's Inn and Doctors Commons."
+
+Of this judge the story is told that a Chancery counsel in a long and
+dry argument quoted the legal maxim--_expressio unius est exclusio
+alterius_--pronouncing the "i" in _unius_ as short as possible. This
+roused his lordship from the drowsiness into which he had been lulled.
+"Unyus! Mr. ----? We always pronounced that _unius_ at school."--"Oh
+yes, my lord," replied the counsel; "but some of the poets use it short
+for the sake of the metre."--"You forget, Mr. ----," rejoined the
+judge, "that we are prosing here."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. Justice Willes was a judge of kindly disposition, and when he had to
+convey a rebuke he did so in some delicate and refined way like this. A
+young barrister feeling in a hobble, wished to get out of it by saying,
+"I throw myself on your lordship's hands."--"Mr. ----, I decline the
+burden," replied the learned judge.
+
+One day in judge's chambers, after being pressed by counsel very
+strongly against his own views, he said with quaint humour: "I'm one of
+the most obstinate men in the world."--"God forbid that I should be so
+rude as to contradict your lordship," replied the counsel.
+
+Mr. Montague Williams in his _Leaves of a Life_ relates the following
+story of Mr. Justice Byles. He was once hearing a case in which a woman
+was charged with causing the death of her child by not giving it proper
+food, or treating it with the necessary care. Mr. F----, of the Western
+Circuit, conducted the defence, and while addressing the jury said:
+
+"Gentlemen, it appears to be impossible that the prisoner can have
+committed this crime. A mother guilty of such conduct to her own child?
+Why, it is repugnant to our better feelings"; and then being carried
+away by his own eloquence, he proceeded: "Gentlemen, the beasts of the
+field, the birds of the air, suckle their young, and----"
+
+But at this point the learned judge interrupted him, and said:
+
+"Mr. F----, if you establish the latter part of your proposition, your
+client will be acquitted to a certainty."
+
+And to the same authority we are indebted for a judge's gentle but
+sarcastic reproof of a prosing counsel. In an action for false
+imprisonment, heard before Mr. Justice Wightman, Ribton was addressing
+the jury at great length, repeating himself constantly, and never giving
+the slightest sign of winding up. When he had been pounding away for
+several hours, the good old judge interposed, and said: "Mr. Ribton,
+you've said that before."--"Have I, my lord?" said Ribton; "I'm very
+sorry. I quite forgot it."--"Don't apologise, Mr. Ribton," was the
+answer. "I forgive you; for it was a very long time ago."
+
+A very old story is told of a highwayman who sent for a solicitor and
+inquired what steps were necessary to be taken to have his trial
+deferred. The solicitor answered that he would require to get a doctor's
+affidavit of his illness. This was accordingly done in the following
+manner: "The deponent verily believes that if the said ---- is obliged
+to take his trial at the ensuing sessions, he will be in imminent danger
+of his life."--"I verily believe so too," replied the judge, and the
+trial proceeded immediately.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Some judges profess ignorance of slang terms used in evidence, and seek
+explanation from counsel. Lord Coleridge in the following story had his
+inquiry not only answered but illustrated. A witness was describing an
+animated conversation between the pursuer and defendant in a case and
+said: "Then the defendant turned and said, 'If 'e didn't 'owld 'is noise
+'ed knock 'im off 'is peark.'"--"Peark? Mr. Shee, what is meant by
+peark?" asked the Lord Chief Justice. "Oh, peark, my lord, is any
+position when a man elevates himself above his fellows--for instance, a
+bench, my lord."
+
+Another story illustrating this alleged ignorance of every-day terms
+used by the masses comes from the Scottish Court of Session. In this
+instance the explanation was volunteered by the witness who used the
+term. One of the counsel in the case was Mr. (now Lord) Dewar, who was
+cross-examining the witness on a certain incident, and drew from him the
+statement that he (the witness) had just had a "nip." "A nip," said the
+judge; "what is a nip?"--"Only a small Dewar, my lord," explained the
+witness.
+
+Lord Russell of Killowen, himself a Lord Chief Justice, tells some
+amusing stories of Lord Coleridge in his interesting reminiscences of
+that great judge in the _North American Review_. When at the Bar he was
+counsel in a remarkable case--Saurin against Starr. The pursuer, an
+Irish lady, sued the Superior of a religious order at Hull for expulsion
+without reasonable cause. Mr. Coleridge cross-examined a Mrs. Kennedy,
+one of the superintendents of the convent, who had mentioned in her
+evidence, among other peccadilloes of the pursuer, that she had been
+found in the pantry eating strawberries, when she should have been
+attending some class duties.
+
+Mr. Coleridge: "Eating strawberries, really!"
+
+Mrs. Kennedy: "Yes, sir, she was eating strawberries."
+
+Mr. Coleridge: "How shocking!"
+
+Mrs. Kennedy: "It was forbidden, sir."
+
+Mr. Coleridge: "And did you, Mrs. Kennedy, really consider there was any
+great harm in that?"
+
+Mrs. Kennedy: "No, sir, not in itself, any more than there was harm in
+eating an apple; but you know, sir, the mischief that came from that."
+
+When as Lord Chief Justice, Lord Coleridge visited the United States, he
+was continually pestered by interviewers, and one of them failing to
+draw him, began to disparage the old country in its physical features
+and its men. Lord Coleridge bore it all in good part; finally the
+interviewer said, "I am told, my lord, you think a great deal of your
+great fire of London. Well, I guess, that the conflagration we had in
+the little village of Chicago made your great fire look very small." To
+which his lordship blandly responded: "Sir, I have every reason to
+believe that the great fire of London was quite as great as the people
+of that time desired."
+
+There are few of Lord Bowen's witticisms from the Bench in circulation,
+but his after-dinner stories are worth recording, and perhaps one of the
+best is that given in _Anecdotes of the Bench and Bar_, as told by
+himself in the following words: "One of the ancient rabbinical writers
+was engaged in compiling a history of the minor prophets, and in due
+course it became his duty to record the history of the prophet Daniel.
+In speaking of the most striking incident in the great man's career--I
+refer to his critical position in the den of lions--he made a remark
+which has always seemed to me replete with judgment and observation. He
+said that the prophet, notwithstanding the trying circumstances in which
+he was placed, had one consolation which has sometimes been forgotten.
+He had the consolation of knowing that when the dreadful banquet was
+over, at any rate it was not he who would be called upon to return
+thanks."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The following story cannot be classed a witticism from the Bench, but
+the judge clearly gave the opening for the lady's smart retort.
+
+Mrs. Weldon, a well-known lady litigant in the Courts a generation ago,
+was on one occasion endeavouring in the Court of Appeal to upset a
+judgment of Vice-Chancellor Bacon, and one ground of complaint was that
+the judge was too old to understand her case. Thereupon Lord Esher said:
+"The last time you were here you complained that your case had been
+tried by my brother Bowen, and you said he was only a bit of a boy, and
+could not do you justice. Now you come here and say that my brother
+Bacon was too old. What age do you want the judge to be?"--"Your age,"
+promptly replied Mrs. Weldon, fixing her bright eyes on the handsome
+countenance of the Master of the Rolls.
+
+On Charles Phillips, who became a judge of the Insolvent Court, noticing
+a witness kiss his thumb instead of the Testament, after rebuking him
+said, "You may think to _desave_ God, sir, but you won't desave me."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SIR HENRY HAWKINS, LORD BRAMPTON.]
+
+That racy and turf-attending judge, Lord Brampton, better known as Sir
+Henry Hawkins, tells many good stories of himself in his
+_Reminiscences_, but it is the unconscious humorist of Marylebone Police
+Court who records this _bon mot_ of Sir Henry.
+
+An old woman in the witness-box had been rattling on in the most voluble
+manner, until it was impossible to make head or tail of her evidence.
+Mr. Justice Hawkins, thinking he would try his hand, began with a
+soothing question, but the old woman would not have it at any price. She
+replied testily, "It's no use you bothering me. I have told you all I
+know."--"That may be," replied his lordship, "but the question rather
+is, do you know all you have told us?"
+
+When Sir Henry (then Mr.) Hawkins was prosecuting counsel in the
+Tichborne trial, over which Lord Chief Justice Cockburn presided, an
+amusing incident is recorded by Mr. Plowden. The antecedents of a man
+who had given sensational evidence for the claimant were being inquired
+into, and in answer to Sir Henry the witness under examination said he
+knew the man to be married, but his wife passed under another name.
+"What name?" asked Mr. Hawkins. "Mrs. Hawkins," replied the witness.
+"What was her maiden name?" added Mr. Hawkins. "Cockburn." Such a
+coincident of names naturally caused hearty and prolonged laughter.
+
+In the course of this celebrated trial another amusing incident occurred
+which Sir Henry used to tell against himself. One morning as the
+claimant came into Court, a lady dressed in deep mourning presented
+Orton with a tract. After a few minutes he wrote something on it, and
+had it passed on to the prosecuting counsel. The tract was boldly headed
+in black type, "Sinner--Repent," and the claimant had written upon it,
+"Surely this must have been meant for Hawkins."
+
+Not long after he had ascended the Bench Mr. Justice Hawkins was hearing
+a case in which a man was being tried for murder. The counsel for the
+prosecution observed the prisoner say something earnestly to the
+policeman seated by his side in the dock, and asked that the constable
+should be made to disclose what had passed. "Yes," said his lordship, "I
+think you may demand that. Constable, inform the Court what passed
+between you and the prisoner."--"I--I would rather not, your lordship. I
+was--."--"Never mind what you would rather not do. Inform the Court what
+the prisoner said."--"He asked me, your lordship, who that hoary heathen
+with the sheepskin was, as he had often seen him at the
+race-course."--"That will do," said his lordship. "Proceed with the
+case."
+
+An action for damages against a fire insurance company, brought by some
+Jews, was heard before Chief Justice Cockburn, which clearly was a
+fraudulent claim. The plaintiffs claimed for loss of ready-made clothes
+in the fire. Hawkins, who appeared for the defendant company, elicited
+the fact that ready-made clothes in this firm had all brass buttons as a
+rule; and, further, that after sifting the debris of the fire no buttons
+had been found. The trial was not concluded on that day, but on the
+following morning hundreds of buttons partially burnt were brought into
+Court by the Jew plaintiffs. Cockburn was not long in appreciating this
+mode of furnishing evidence after its necessity had been pointed out,
+and he asked: "How do you account for these buttons, Mr. Hawkins? You
+said none were found."--"Up to last night none had been found," replied
+Hawkins. "But," said the Chief Justice--"but these buttons have
+evidently been burnt in the fire. How do they come here?"--"_On their
+own shanks_," was Hawkins' smart and ready reply. Verdict for
+defendants.
+
+The alibi has come in for its fair share of jests. Sir Henry Hawkins
+relates in his _Reminiscences_ how he once found the following in his
+brief: "If the case is called on before 3.15, the defence is left to the
+ingenuity of the counsel; if after that hour, the defence is an alibi,
+as by then the usual alibi witnesses will have returned from Norwich,
+where they are at present professionally engaged."
+
+Sitting as a vacation judge, Sir Walter Phillimore, whose views on the
+law of divorce are well known, protested against being called on to make
+absolute a number of decrees _nisi_ granted in the Divorce Division.
+This fact is said to have called forth a witty pronouncement by a late
+president of that Division of the Courts. "Here is my brother
+Phillimore, who objects to making decrees _nisi_ absolute because he
+believes in the sanctity of the marriage tie. By and by we may be having
+a Unitarian appointed to the Bench, and he will refuse to try Admiralty
+suits, as he would have to sit with Trinity Masters."
+
+In sentencing a burglar recently, the judge referred to him as a
+"professional," to which the prisoner strongly protested from the dock.
+"Here," he exclaimed, "I dunno wot you mean by callin' me a professional
+burglar. I've only done it once before, an' I've been nabbed both
+times." The judge, in the most suave manner, replied, "Oh, I did not
+mean to say that you had been very successful in your profession."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE HON. MR JUSTICE GRANTHAM, JUDGE OF THE KING'S BENCH
+DIVISION.]
+
+Mr. Justice Grantham had a keen sense of humour. On one occasion, when
+he was judge at the Newcastle Assizes, he left the mansion-house where
+he was staying, at night, to post his letters. As he was wearing a cap
+he was not recognised by the police officer who was on duty outside, and
+the constable inquired of his lordship if "the old ---- had gone to bed
+yet." The judge replied that he thought not, and a short while after he
+had returned to the house he raised his bedroom window, and putting out
+his head called to the constable below: "Officer, the old ---- is just
+going to bed now."
+
+[Illustration: THE HON. MR JUSTICE DARLING, JUDGE OF THE KING'S BENCH
+DIVISION.]
+
+Hardly a case of any importance comes into Mr. Justice Darling's Court
+without attracting a large attendance of the public, as much from
+expectation of being entertained by the repartees between Bench and Bar
+as from interest in the proceedings before the Court. In a recent turf
+libel case his lordship gave a free rein to his proclivity to give an
+amusing turn to statements of both counsel and witnesses. At one point
+he intervened by remarking that other witnesses than the one under
+examination had said that a horse is made fit by running on the course
+before he is expected to win a position, and added, "That is so, not
+only on the race-course. You can never make a good lawyer by putting him
+to read in the library." To which the defendant, who conducted his own
+case, replied, "But I take it a barrister does try."--"You have no
+notion how he tries the judge," responded Mr. Justice Darling. In the
+same case a question arose as to whether the stewards of the Jockey Club
+had the power to check riding "short," as it is termed, and the Justice
+inquired if the stewards could say, "You must ride with a leather of a
+prescribed length," and got the answer, "Yes; they could say if you
+don't ride longer we won't give you a license."--"Which means," said the
+judge, "if you don't ride longer you won't ride long."
+
+"Who made the translation from the German?" asked the same judge,
+regarding a document to which counsel had referred. "God knows; I
+don't," was the reply of Mr. Danckwerts. "Are you sure," responded the
+Justice, "that what is not known to you is known at all?"
+
+Perhaps Mr. Justice Darling never raised heartier laughter than in an
+action some years ago where the issue was whether the plaintiff, who had
+been engaged by the defendant to sing in "potted opera" at a music-hall,
+was competent to fulfil his contract.
+
+"Well, he could not sing like the archangel Gabriel," a witness had
+said, in reply to Mr. Duke, K. C.
+
+"I have never heard the archangel Gabriel," commented the eminent
+counsel.
+
+"That, Mr. Duke, is a pleasure to come," was his lordship's swift, if
+gently sarcastic, rejoinder.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If witnesses occasionally undergo severe handling in cross-examination
+by counsel, there are also occasions when their ready reply has rather
+nonplussed the judge.
+
+A case was being tried at York before Mr. Justice Gould. When it had
+proceeded for upwards of two hours the judge observed that there were
+only eleven jurymen in the box, and inquired where the twelfth man was.
+"Please you, my lord," said one of them, "he has gone away about some
+business, but he has left his verdict with me."
+
+"How old are you?" asked the judge of a lady witness.
+"Thirty."--"Thirty!" said the judge; "I have heard you give the same age
+in this Court for the last three years."--"Yes," responded the lady; "I
+am not one of those persons who say one thing to-day and another
+to-morrow."
+
+Mr. Justice Keating one day had occasion to examine a witness who
+stuttered very much in giving his evidence. "I believe," said his
+lordship, "you are a very great rogue."--"Not so great a rogue as you,
+my lord--t--t--t--t--take me to be," was the reply.
+
+Judge: "Is this your signature?"
+
+Witness: "I don't know."
+
+Judge: "Look at it carefully."
+
+Witness: "I can't say for certain."
+
+Judge: "Is it anything like your writing?"
+
+Witness: "I don't think it is."
+
+Judge: "Can't you identify it?"
+
+Witness: "Not quite."
+
+Judge: "Well, let me see, just write your name here and I will examine
+the two signatures."
+
+Witness: "I can't write, sir."
+
+Medical men are not as a rule the best witnesses, being too fond of
+using technical words peculiar to them in their own profession. In an
+action for assault tried by a Derbyshire common jury before Mr. Justice
+Patteson, a surgical witness was asked to describe the injuries the
+plaintiff had received; he stated he had "ecchymosis" of the left eye.
+Upon the judge inquiring whether that did not mean what was commonly
+understood by a black eye, the witness answered: "Yes."--"Then why did
+you not say so, sir? What do the jury know of 'ecchymosis'? They might
+think, as the farmer did of the word 'felicity,' used by a clergyman in
+his sermon, that it meant something in the inside of a pig."
+
+A notorious thief, being tried for his life, confessed the robbery he
+was charged with. The judge thereupon directed the jury to find him
+guilty upon his own confession. The jury having consulted together
+brought him in "Not guilty." The judge bade them consider their verdict
+again, but still they brought in a verdict of "Not guilty." The judge
+asking the reason, the foreman replied: "There is reason enough, for we
+all know him to be one of the greatest liars in the country."
+
+"Have you committed all these crimes?" asked the judge of a hoary old
+sinner. "Yes, my lord, and worse." "Worse, I should have thought it
+impossible. What have you done then?"--"My lord, I allowed myself to be
+caught."
+
+"I knows yer," said a prisoner to the present Lord Chief Justice, "and
+many's the time I've given yer a hand when ye've been stepping it round
+the track like a greyhound. So let's down lightly, like a good cove as
+yer are."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The retort of a witness to Lord Avory was too good to be soon forgotten,
+and is still circulating among the juniors of the law-courts. "Let me
+see," said his lordship, "you have been convicted before, haven't
+you?"--"Yes, sir," answered the man; "but it was due to the incapacity
+of my counsel rather than to any fault on my part."--"It always is,"
+said Lord Avory, with a grim smile, "and you have my sincere
+sympathy."--"And I deserve it," retorted the man, "seeing that you were
+my counsel on that occasion!"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER TWO
+
+THE BARRISTERS OF ENGLAND
+
+
+    "Hark the hour of ten is sounding!
+    Hearts with anxious fears are bounding;
+    Hall of Justice crowds surrounding,
+        Breathing hope and fear.
+    For to-day in this arena
+    Summoned by a stern subpœna,
+    Edwin sued by Angelina
+        Shortly will appear."
+
+    Sir W. S. GILBERT: _Trial by Jury_.
+
+
+    "As your Solicitor, I should have no hesitation in saying:
+    Chance it----"
+
+    Sir W. S. GILBERT: _The Mikado_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER TWO
+
+THE BARRISTERS OF ENGLAND
+
+
+From the middle of the thirteenth century the senior rank to which a
+barrister could attain at the Bar was that of serjeant-at-law, and from
+that body, which existed until 1875, the judges were selected. If a
+barrister below the rank of serjeant was invited to take a seat on the
+Bench he invariably conformed to the recognised custom and "took the
+coif"--became a serjeant-at-law--before he was sworn as one of his (or
+her) Majesty's judges. This explains the term "brother" applied by
+judges when addressing serjeants pleading before them in Court. "Taking
+the coif" had a curious origin. It was customary in very early times for
+the clergy to add to their clerical duties that of a legal practitioner,
+by which considerable fees were obtained, and when the Canon law forbade
+them engaging in all secular occupations the remuneration they had
+obtained from the law-courts proved too strong a temptation to evade the
+new law. They continued therefore to practise in the Courts, and to hide
+their clerical identity they concealed the tonsure by covering the upper
+part of their heads with a black cap or coif. When ultimately clerical
+barristers were driven from the law-courts, the "coif" or black patch on
+the crown of a barrister's wig became the symbol of the rank of
+serjeant-at-law. That this distinguishing mark has been, in later years,
+occasionally misunderstood is illustrated in the story of Serjeant
+Allen and Sir Henry Keating, Q.C., who were opposed to one another in a
+case before the Assize Court at Stafford. During the hearing of the case
+a violent altercation had taken place between them, but when the Court
+rose they left the building together, walking amicably to their
+lodgings. Two men who had been in Court and had heard their wrangle were
+following behind them, when one said to the other: "If you was in
+trouble, Bill, which o' them two tip-top 'uns would you have to defend
+you?"--"Well, Jim," was the reply, "I should pitch upon this 'un,"
+pointing to the Q.C. "Then you'd be a fool," said his companion; "the
+fellow with the _sore head_ is worth six of t'other 'un."
+
+There used to be a student joke against the serjeants. "Why is a
+serjeant's speech like a tailor's goose?"--"Because it is hot and
+heavy."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Taking silk," or becoming a K.C. and a senior at the Bar, originated at
+a much later date than that of serjeant-at-law. Lord Bacon was the first
+to be recognised as Queen's Counsel, but this distinction arose from his
+position as legal adviser to Queen Elizabeth, and did not indicate the
+existence of a senior body (as K.C. does now) among the barristers of
+that period. The institution of the rank dates from the days of Charles
+II, when Sir Francis North, Lord Guildford, was created King's Counsel
+by a writ issued under the Great Seal. As was customary in the case of a
+barrister proposing to "take the coif," so in that of one proposing to
+"take silk"; he intimates to the seniors already holding the rank that
+he intends to apply for admission to the body. A story is current in the
+Temple that when Mr. Justice Eve "took silk" the usual notification of
+his intention was sent to the seniors, and from one of them he received
+the following reply: "My dear Eve, whether you wear silk or a fig-leaf,
+I do not care.--A Dam."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Our selection of facetiæ of the English Bar, therefore, naturally opens
+with stories of the serjeants-at-law, and one of the best-known members
+of that body in early days was Serjeant Hill, a celebrated lawyer, who
+was also somewhat remarkable for absence of mind, which was attributed
+to the earnestness with which he devoted himself to his professional
+duties.
+
+On the very day when he was married, he had an intricate case on hand,
+and forgot his engagement, until reminded of his waiting bride, and that
+the legal time for performing the ceremony had nearly elapsed. He then
+quitted law for the church; after the ceremony, the serjeant returned to
+his books and his papers, having forgotten the _cause_ he had been
+engaged in during the morning, until again reminded by his clerk that
+the assembled company impatiently awaited his presence at dinner.
+
+Being once on Circuit, and having occasion to refer to a law authority,
+he had recourse, as usual, to his bag; but, to the astonishment of the
+Court, instead of a volume of Viner's abridgment, he took out a specimen
+candlestick, the property of a Birmingham traveller, whose bag Serjeant
+Hill had brought into Court by mistake.
+
+A learned serjeant kept the Court waiting one morning for a few minutes.
+The business of the Court commenced at nine. "Brother," said the judge,
+"you are behind your time this morning. The Court has been waiting for
+you."--"I beg your lordship's pardon," replied the serjeant; "I am
+afraid I was longer than usual in dressing."--"Oh," returned the judge,
+"I can dress in five minutes at any time."--"Indeed!" said the learned
+brother, a little surprised for the moment; "but in that my dog Shock
+beats your lordship hollow, for he has nothing to do but to shake his
+coat, and thinks himself fit for any company."
+
+Serjeant Davy, when at the height of his professional career, once
+received a large brief on which a fee of two guineas only was marked on
+the back. His client asked him if he had read the brief. Pointing with
+his finger to the fee, Davy replied: "As far as that I have read, and
+for the life of me I can read no further." Of the same eminent serjeant
+in his earlier years an Old Baily story is told. Judge Gould, who
+presided, asked: "Who is concerned for the prisoner?"--"I am concerned
+for him, my lord," said Davy, "and very much concerned after what I have
+just heard."
+
+If Serjeant Davy was concerned about his client, Serjeant Miller had no
+such scruple about the man charged with horse stealing whom he
+successfully defended, although the evidence convinced the judge and
+everybody in the Court that there ought to have been a conviction. When
+the trial was over and the prisoner had been acquitted, the judge said
+to him: "Prisoner, luckily for you, you have been found Not Guilty by
+the jury, but you know perfectly well you stole that horse. You may as
+well tell the truth, as no harm can happen to you now by a confession,
+for you cannot be tried again. Now tell me, did you not steal that
+horse?" "Well, my lord," replied the man, "I always thought I did, until
+I heard my counsel's speech, but now I begin to think I didn't."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In the days of "riding" and "driving circuit," and even later, the
+Circuit mess was a very popular institution with circuiteers, and was
+made the occasion of much merriment. After the table had been cleared a
+fictitious charge would be made against one of the barristers present,
+and a mock tribunal was immediately constituted before which he was
+arraigned and his case duly set forth with all solemnity. The victim was
+invariably fined--generally in wine, which had to be paid at once, and
+consumed before the company retired to bed. On one such occasion
+Serjeant Prime, who is represented as a good-natured but rather dull
+man, and as a barrister wearisome beyond comparison, was engaged in an
+important case in an over-crowded courtroom. He had been speaking for
+three hours, when a boy, seated on a beam above the heads of the
+audience, overcome by the heat and the serjeant's monotonous tones, fell
+asleep, and, losing his balance, tumbled down on the people below. The
+incident was made the subject of a charge against the serjeant at the
+mess, and he was duly sentenced to pay a fine of two dozen of wine,
+which he did with the greatest good humour.
+
+Serjeant Wilkins, on one occasion, on defending a prisoner, said: "Drink
+has upon some an elevating, upon others a depressing, effect; indeed,
+there is a report, as we all know, that an eminent judge, when at the
+Bar, was obliged to resort to heavy drinking in the morning, to reduce
+himself to the level of the judges." Lord Denman, the judge, who had no
+love for Wilkins, bridled up instantly. His voice trembled with
+indignation as he uttered the words: "Where is the report, sir? Where is
+it?" There was a death-like silence. Wilkins calmly turned round to the
+judge and said: "It was burnt, my lord, in the Temple fire." The
+effect of this was considerable, and it was a long time before order
+could be restored, but Lord Denman was one of the first to acknowledge
+the wit of the answer.
+
+Difference of manner or temperament sometimes gives point to the
+collisions which occasionally occur in Court between rival counsel.
+Serjeant Wilkins, who had an inflated style of oratory, was once opposed
+in a case to Serjeant Thomas, whose manner of delivery was lighter and
+more lively. On the conclusion of a heavy bombardment of ponderous
+Johnsonian sentences from the former, Thomas rose, and, with his eyes
+fixed on his opponent, prefaced his address to the jury with the words,
+delivered with much solemnity of manner and intonation: "And now the
+hurly-burly's done."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Dunning was defending a gentleman in an action brought from _crim. con._
+with the plaintiff's wife. The chief witness for the plaintiff was the
+lady's maid, a clever, self-composed person, who spoke confidently as to
+seeing the defendant in bed with her mistress. Dunning, on rising to
+cross-examine her, first made her take off her bonnet, that they might
+have a good view of her face, but this did not discompose her, as she
+knew she was good-looking. He then arranged his brief, solemnly drew up
+his shirt sleeves, and then began: "Are you sure it was not your master
+you saw in bed with your mistress?"--"Perfectly sure."--"What, do you
+pretend to say you can be certain when the head only appeared from the
+bedclothes, and that enveloped in a nightcap?"--"Quite certain."--"You
+have often found occasion, then, to see your master in his
+nightcap?"--"Yes--very frequently."--"Now, young woman, I ask you, on
+your solemn oath, does not your master occasionally go to bed with
+you?"--"Oh, that trial does not come on to-day, Mr. Slabberchops!"
+replied the witness. A loud shout of laughter followed, and Lord
+Mansfield leaned back to enjoy it, and then gravely leaned forward and
+asked if Mr. Dunning had any more questions to put to the witness. No
+answer was given, and none were put. The same counsel, when at the
+height of his large practice at the Bar, was asked how he got through
+all his work. He replied: "I do one-third of it; another third does
+itself; and I don't do the remaining third."
+
+A witness under severe cross-examination by Serjeant Dunning was
+repeatedly asked if he did not live close to the Court. On admitting
+that he did, the further question was put, "And pray, sir, for what
+reason did you take up your residence in that place?"--"To avoid the
+rascally impertinence of dunning," came the ready answer.
+
+A barrister's name once gave a witness the opportunity to score in the
+course of a severe cross-examination. Missing was the leader of his
+Circuit and was defending his client charged with stealing a donkey. The
+prosecutor had left the donkey tied up to a gate, and when he returned
+it was gone. "Do you mean to say," said counsel, "the donkey was stolen
+from the gate?"--"I mean to say, sir," said the witness, giving the
+judge and then the jury a sly look, at the same time pointing to the
+counsel, "the ass was missing."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. Clarke, a leader of the Midland Circuit, was a very worthy lawyer of
+the old school. A client long refusing to agree to refer to arbitration
+a cause which judge, jury, and counsel wished to get rid of, he at last
+said to him, "You d--d infernal fool, if you do not immediately follow
+his lordship's recommendation, I shall be obliged to use strong language
+to you." Once, in a council of the Benchers of Lincoln's Inn, the same
+gentleman very conscientiously opposed their calling a Jew to the Bar.
+Some tried to point out the hardship to be imposed upon the young
+gentleman, who had been allowed to keep his terms, and whose prospects
+in life would thus be suddenly blasted. "Hardship!" said the zealous
+churchman, "no hardship at all! Let him become a Christian, and be d--d
+to him!"
+
+It is sometimes imagined by laymen that verdicts may be obtained by the
+trickery of counsel. Doubtless counsel may try to throw dust in the
+eyes of jurors, but they are not very successful. Lord Campbell tells a
+story of Clarke, who by such tactics brought a case to a satisfactory
+compromise. The attorney, coming to him privately, said, "Sir, don't you
+think we have got very good terms? But you rather went beyond my
+instructions."--"You fool!" retorted Clarke; "how do you suppose you
+could have got such terms if I had stuck to your instructions."
+
+[Illustration: JOHN ADOLPHUS, BARRISTER.]
+
+In the biography of John Adolphus, a famous criminal lawyer, we are told
+that the judges of his time were much impressed with the following table
+of degrees. "The three degrees of comparison in a lawyer's progress are:
+getting on; getting on-er (honour); getting on-est (honest)." He
+declared the judges acknowledged much truth in the degrees. The third
+degree in Mr. Adolphus' table reminds us of the story of the farmer who
+was met by the head of a firm of solicitors, who inquired the name of a
+plant the farmer was carrying. "It's a plant," replied the latter, "that
+will not grow in a lawyer's garden; it is called honesty."
+
+One night, walking through St. Giles's by way of a short cut towards
+home, an Irish woman came up to Mr. Adolphus. "Why, Misther Adolphus!
+and who'd a' thought of seeing you in the Holy Ground?"--"And how came
+you to know who I am?" said Adolphus. "Lord bless and save ye, sir!
+not know ye? Why, I'd know ye if ye was boiled up in a soup!"
+
+Mr. Montagu Chambers was counsel for a widow who had been put in a
+lunatic asylum, and sued the two medical men who signed the certificate
+of her insanity. The plaintiff's case was to prove that she was not
+addicted to drinking, and that there was no pretence for treating hers
+as a case of _delirium tremens_. Dr. Tunstal, the last of plaintiff's
+witnesses, described one case in which he had cured a patient of
+_delirium tremens_ in a _single night_, and he added, "It was a case of
+gradual drinking, _sipping all day_ from morning till night." These
+words were scarcely uttered when Mr. Chambers rose in triumph, and said,
+"My lord, that is _my case_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+On the Northern Circuit a century ago, there was a famous barrister who
+was familiarly known among his brother advocates as Jack Lee. He was
+engaged in examining one Mary Pritchard, of Barnsley, and began his
+examination with, "Well, Mary, if I may credit what I hear, I may
+venture to address you by the name of Black Moll."--"Faith you may,
+mister lawyer, for I am always called so by the blackguards." On another
+occasion he was retained for the plaintiff in an action for breach of
+promise of marriage. When the consultation took place, he inquired
+whether the lady for whose injury he was to seek redress was
+good-looking. "Very handsome indeed, sir," was the assurance of her
+attorney. "Then, sir," replied Lee, "I beg you will request her to be in
+Court, and in a place where she can be seen." The attorney promised
+compliance, and the lady, in accordance with Lee's wishes, took her seat
+in a conspicuous place, where the jury could see her. Lee, in addressing
+the jury, did not fail to insist with great warmth on the "abominable
+cruelty" which had been exercised towards "the highly attractive and
+modest girl who trusted her cause to their discernment"; and did not sit
+down until he had succeeded in working upon their feelings with great
+and, as he thought, successful effect. The counsel on the other side,
+however, speedily broke the spell with which Lee had enchanted the jury,
+by observing that "his learned friend, in describing the graces and
+beauty of the plaintiff, ought in common fairness not to have concealed
+from the jury the fact that the lady had a _wooden leg_!" The Court was
+convulsed with laughter at this discovery, while Lee, who was ignorant
+of this circumstance, looked aghast; and the jury, ashamed of the
+influence that mere eloquence had had upon them, returned a verdict for
+the defendant.
+
+Justice Willes, the son of Chief Justice Willes, had an offensive habit
+of interrupting counsel. On one occasion an old practitioner was so
+irritated by this practice that he retorted sharply by saying, "Your
+lordship doubtless shows greater acuteness even than your father, the
+Chief Justice, for he used to understand me _after I had done_, but your
+lordship understands me even _before I have begun_."
+
+Of Whigham, a later leader on the Northern Circuit, an amusing story
+used to be told. He was defending a prisoner, and opened an alibi in his
+address to the jury, undertaking to prove it by calling the person who
+had been in bed with his client at the time in question, and deprecating
+their evil opinion of a woman whose moral character was clearly open to
+grave reproach, but who was still entitled to be believed upon her oath.
+Then he called "Jessie Crabtree." The name was, as usual, repeated by
+the crier, and there came pushing his way sturdily through the crowd a
+big Lancashire lad in his rough dress, who had been the prisoner's
+veritable bedfellow--Whigham's brief not having explained to him that
+the Christian name of his witness was, in this case, a male one.
+
+Colman, in his _Random Records_, tells the following anecdote of the
+witty barrister, Mr. Jekyll. One day observing a squirrel in Colman's
+chambers, in the usual round cage, performing the same operation as a
+man in a tread-mill, and looking at it for a minute, exclaimed, "Oh!
+poor devil, he's going the Home Circuit."
+
+Jekyll was asked why he no longer spoke to a lawyer named Peat; to which
+he replied, "I choose to give up his acquaintance--I have common of
+turbary, and have a right to cut _peat_!" An impromptu of his on a
+learned serjeant who was holding the Court of Common Pleas with his
+glittering eye, is well known:
+
+    "Behold the serjeant full of fire,
+      Long shall his hearers rue it,
+    His purple garments _came_ from Tyre,
+      His arguments _go to it_."
+
+Mr. H. L. Adam, in his volume _The Story of Crime_, tells an amusing
+story of a prisoner whose counsel had successfully obtained his
+acquittal on a charge of brutal assault. A policeman came across a man
+one night lying unconscious on the pavement, and near by him was an
+ordinary "bowler" hat. That was the only clue to the perpetrator of the
+deed. The police had their suspicions of a certain individual, whom they
+proceeded to interrogate. In addition to being unable to give a
+satisfactory account of his movements on the night of the assault, it
+was found that the "bowler" hat in question fitted him like a glove. He
+was accordingly arrested and charged with the crime, the hat being the
+chief evidence against him. Counsel for the defence, however, dwelt so
+impressively on the risk of accepting such evidence that the jury
+brought in a verdict of "not proven," and the prisoner was discharged.
+Before leaving the dock he turned to the judge, and pointing to the
+hat in Court, said, "My lord, may I 'ave my 'at."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Some amusing scenes have occurred in suits brought by tailors and
+dressmakers to recover the price of garments for which their customers
+have declined to pay on the ground of misfit. Serjeant Ballantine, in
+his _Experiences of a Barrister_, relates the case of a tailor in which
+the defendant was the famous Sir Edwin Landseer. It was tried in the
+Exchequer Court, before Baron Martin. "The coat was produced," says the
+serjeant, "and the judge suggested that Sir Edwin should try it on; he
+made a wry face, but consented, and took off his own upper garment. He
+then put an arm into one of the sleeves of that in dispute, and made an
+apparently ineffectual endeavour to reach the other, following it round
+amidst roars of laughter from all parts of the Court. It was a common
+jury, and I was told that there was a tailor upon it, upon which I
+suggested that there was a gentleman of the same profession as the
+plaintiff in Court who might assist Sir Edwin. This was acceded to, and
+out hopped a little Hebrew slop-seller from the Minories, to whom the
+defendant submitted his body. With difficulty he got into the coat, and
+then stood as if spitted, his back one mass of wrinkles. The tableau was
+truly amusing; the indignant plaintiff looking at the performance with
+mingled horror and disgust; Sir Edwin, as if he were choking; whilst the
+juryman, with the air of a connoisseur, was examining him and the coat
+with profound gravity. At last the judge, when able to stifle his
+laughter, addressing the little Hebrew, said, 'Well, Mr. Moses, what do
+you say?'--'Oh,' cried he, holding up a pair of hands not over clean,
+and very different from those encased in lavender gloves which graced
+the plaintiff, 'it ish poshitively shocking, my lord; I should have been
+ashamed to turn out such a thing from my establishment.' The rest of the
+jury accepted his view, and Sir Edwin, apparently relieved from
+suffocation, entered his own coat with a look of relief, which again
+convulsed the Court, bowed, and departed."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Financial prosecutions are as a rule very dreary, and any little joke
+perpetrated by counsel during the course of them is a relief. One was
+being heard, in which Mr. Muir was counsel, and to many of his
+statements the junior counsel for the prosecution shook his head
+vehemently, although he said nothing. This continual dumb contradiction
+at length got on the customary patience of Mr. Muir, who blurted out: "I
+do not know why my friend keeps shaking his head, whether it is that he
+has palsy, or that there's nothing in it!"
+
+Mr. Baldwin was the counsel employed to oppose a person justifying bail
+in the Court of King's Bench. After some common questions, a waggish
+counsel sitting near suggested that the witness should be asked as to
+his having been a prisoner in Gloucester gaol. Mr. Baldwin thereon
+boldly asked: "When, sir, were you last in Gloucester gaol?" The
+witness, a respectable tradesman, with astonishment declared that he
+never was in a gaol in his life. Mr. Baldwin being foiled after putting
+the question in various ways, turned round to his friendly prompter, and
+asked for what the man had been imprisoned. He was told that it was for
+suicide. Thereupon Mr. Baldwin, with great gravity and solemnity
+addressed the witness: "Now, sir, I ask you upon your oath, and remember
+that I shall have your words taken down, were you not imprisoned in
+Gloucester gaol for suicide?"
+
+A young lawyer who had just "taken the coif," once said to Samuel
+Warren, the author of _Ten Thousand a Year_: "Hah! Warren, I never could
+manage to get quite through that novel of yours. What did you do with
+Oily Gammon?"--"Oh," replied Warren, "I made a serjeant of him, and of
+course he never was heard of afterwards."
+
+[Illustration: SAMUEL WARREN, Q.C., MASTER IN LUNACY.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Warner Sleigh, a great thieves' counsel, was not debarred by etiquette
+from taking instructions direct from his clients. One day, following a
+rap on the door of his chambers in Middle Temple Lane, a thick-set man,
+with cropped poll of unmistakably Newgate cut, slunk into the room, when
+the following colloquy took place.
+
+"Mornin', sir," said the man, touching his forelock. "Morning," replied
+counsel. "What do you want?"--"Well, sir, I'm sorry to say, sir, our
+little Ben, sir, has 'ad a misfortin'; fust offence, sir, only a
+'wipe'--"--"Well, well!" interrupted counsel. "Get on."--"So, sir, we
+thought as you've 'ad all the family business we'd like you to defend
+'im, sir."--"All right," said counsel; "see my clerk--."--"Yessir,"
+continued the thief; "but I thought I'd like to make sure you'd attend
+yourself, sir; we're anxious, 'cos it's little Ben, our youngest
+kid."--"Oh! that will be all right. Give Simmons the fee."--"Well, sir,"
+continued the man, shifting about uneasily, "I was going to arst you,
+sir, to take a little less. You see, sir (wheedlingly), it's little
+Ben--his first misfortin'."--"No, no," said the counsel impatiently.
+"Clear out!"--"But, sir, you've 'ad all our business. Well, sir, if you
+won't, you won't, so I'll pay you now, sir." And as he doled out the
+guineas: "I may as well tell you, sir, you wouldn't 'a' got the
+'couties' if I 'adn't 'ad a little bit o' luck on the way."
+
+The gravity of the Court of Appeal was once seriously disturbed by
+Edward Bullen reading to them the following paragraph from a pleading in
+an action for seduction: "The defendant denies that he is the father of
+the said twins, _or of either of them_." This he apologetically
+explained was due to an accident in his pupil-room, but everyone
+recognised the style of the master-hand.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Serjeant Adams, who acted as assistant judge at the sessions, had a very
+pleasant wit, and knew how to deal with any counsel who took to
+"high-falutin." On one occasion, after an altercation with the judge,
+the counsel for the prisoner in his address to the jury reminded them
+that "they were the great palladium of British Liberty--that it was
+_their_ province to deal with the facts, the _judge_ with the law--that
+they formed one of the great institutions of their country, and that
+they came in with William the Conqueror." Adams at the end of his
+summing up said: "Gentlemen, you will want to retire to consider your
+verdict, and as it seems you came in with the Conqueror you can now go
+out with the beadle."
+
+There was always a mystery how Edwin James, who at the Bar was earning
+an income of at least £10,000 a year, was continually in monetary
+difficulties. Like Sir Thomas Lawrence, he must have had some private
+drain on his resources which was never disclosed. Among others who
+suffered was the landlord of his chambers, whose rent was very much in
+arrear. In the end the landlord hit upon a plan to discover which would
+be the best method of recovering his rent, and one day asked James to
+advise him on a legal matter in which he was interested, and thereupon
+drew up a statement of his grievance against his own tenant. The paper
+was duly returned to the landlord next day with the following sentence
+subjoined: "In my opinion this is a case which admits of only one
+remedy--patience. Edwin James."
+
+In a case before Lord Campbell, James took a line with a witness which
+his lordship considered quite inadmissible, and stopped him. When
+summing up to the jury Lord Campbell thought to soften his interruption
+by saying: "You will have observed, gentlemen, that I felt it my duty to
+stop Mr. Edwin James in a certain line which he sought to adopt in the
+cross-examination of one of the witnesses; but at the same time I had no
+intention to cast any reflection on the learned counsel who I am sure is
+known to you all as a most able--" but before his lordship could proceed
+any further James interposed, and in a contemptuous voice exclaimed: "My
+lord, I have borne your lordship's censure, spare me your lordship's
+praise."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. W. G. Thorpe, F.S.A., in his entertaining volume of _Middle Temple
+Table Talk_, relates a curious story of a judge taking an extremely
+personal interest in a case which was brought before him. A milk company
+had sold off a lot of old stock to a cake-maker, and the cake-maker had
+declined to pay because the milk had turned out to be poisonous. As the
+case went on the judge became more and more exercised. "What do they do
+with this stuff?" he asked, pointing to a mass of horrible mixture. "Oh,
+my lord, they make cakes of it; it doesn't taste in the cakes."--"Where
+do they sell these cakes?" was the judge's next question, and the reply
+was, "They are used for certain railway stations, school-treats, and
+excursions." Then the defendant specified one of the places. "Bless me!"
+said the judge, turning an olive-green, "I had some there myself," and
+with a shudder he retired to his private room, returning in a few
+minutes wiping his mouth.
+
+There is another story of a counsel defending a woman on a charge of
+causing the death of her husband by administering a poisoned cake to
+him. "I'll eat some of the cake myself," he said in Court, and took a
+bite. Just at this moment a telegram was brought to him to say that his
+wife was seriously ill, and he obtained permission to leave in order to
+answer the message. He returned, finished his speech, and obtained the
+acquittal of his client. It transpired afterwards that the telegram
+business was arranged in order that counsel could obtain an emetic
+after swallowing the cake.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. Montagu Williams tells a story, in his interesting _Leaves of a
+Life_, of two members of the Bar, one of whom had made a large fortune
+by his practice, but worked too hard to enjoy his gains, while the
+other, who only made a decent living, liked to enjoy life. They met on
+one occasion at the end of a long vacation, and the rich man asked his
+less fortunate brother what he had been doing. "I have been on the
+Continent," the other replied, "and I enjoyed my holiday very much. What
+have you been doing?"--"I have been working," said the rich Q.C., "and
+have not been out of town; I had lots of work to do."--"What is the use
+of it?" queried the other; "you can't carry the money with you when you
+die; and if you could, _it would soon melt_."
+
+From the same work we take the following story of Serjeant Ballantine.
+On one occasion he was acting in a case with a Jewish solicitor, and it
+happened that one of the hostile witnesses also belonged to the same
+race. Just as the serjeant was about to examine him, the solicitor
+whispered in Ballantine's ear: "Ask him as your first question, if he
+isn't a Jew."--"Why, but you're a Jew yourself," said the serjeant in
+some surprise. "Never mind, never mind," replied the little solicitor
+eagerly. "Please do--just to prejudice the jury."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: JOHN ROMILLY, BARON ROMILLY, MASTER OF THE ROLLS.]
+
+No collection of the wit and humour of the Bar would be complete without
+some specimens of Sir Frank Lockwood's racy sayings. From Mr. Augustine
+Birrell's _Life of Lockwood_ we quote the following:
+
+"A tale is attached to Lockwood's first brief. It was on a petition to
+the Master of the Rolls for payment out of Court of a sum of money; and
+Lockwood appeared for an official liquidator of a company whose consent
+had to be obtained before the Court would part with the fund. Lockwood
+was instructed to consent, and his reward was to be three guineas on the
+brief and one guinea for consultation. The petition came on in due
+course before Lord Romilly, and was made plain to him by counsel for the
+petitioner, and still a little plainer by counsel for the principal
+respondent.
+
+"Then up rose Lockwood, an imposing figure, and indicated his appearance
+in the case.
+
+"'What brings _you_ here?' said Lord Romilly, meaning, I presume, 'Why
+need I listen to you?'
+
+"Lockwood looking puzzled, Lord Romilly added a little testily, 'What do
+you come here for?'
+
+"The answer was immediate, unexpected, and, accompanied as it was by a
+dramatic glance at the outside of his brief, as if to refresh his
+memory, triumphant, 'Three and one, my lord!'"
+
+"The following letter is to Mrs. Atkinson:
+
+         1 HARE COURT, TEMPLE, E.C., LONDON.
+             _September 18, '72._
+
+     MY DEAR LOO,--I trust it is well with yourself, John, and the
+     childer.... It is an off-day. We are resting on our legal oars
+     after a prolonged and determined struggle yesterday. Know!
+     that near our native hamlet is the level of Hatfield Chase,
+     whereon are numerous drains. Our drain (speaking from the
+     Corporation of Hatfield Chase point of view) we have stopped,
+     for our own purposes. Consequently, the adjacent lands have
+     been flooded, are flooded, and will continue to be flooded.
+     The landed gentry wish us to remove our dam, saying that if we
+     don't they won't be worth a d--n. We answer that we don't care
+     a d--n.
+
+     This interesting case has been simmering in the law-courts
+     since 1820. The landed gentry got a verdict in their favour at
+     the last Lincoln Assizes, but find themselves little the
+     better, as we have appealed, and our dam still reigns
+     triumphant. Yesterday an application was made to the judge to
+     order our dam to be removed. In the absence of Mellor, I
+     donned my forensic armour and did battle for the Corporation.
+     After two hours' hard fighting, we adjourned for a week; in
+     the meantime the floods may rise, and the winds blow. The
+     farmers yelled with rage when they heard that the dam had got
+     a week's respite. I rather fancy that they will yell louder on
+     Tuesday, as I hope to win another bloodless victory. It is a
+     pretty wanton sport, the cream of the joke being that the dam
+     is no good to us or to anybody else, and we have no real
+     objection to urge against its removal, excepting that such a
+     measure would be informal, and contrary to the law as laid
+     down some hundred years ago by an old gentleman who never
+     heard of a steam-engine, and who would have fainted at the
+     sight of a telegraph post. As we have the most money on our
+     side, I trust we shall win in the end. None of this useful
+     substance, however, comes my way, as it is Mellor's work. But
+     I hope to reap some advantage from it, both as to experience
+     and introduction. I make no apology for troubling you with
+     this long narration. I wish it to sink into your mind, and
+     into that of your good husband. Let it be a warning to you and
+     yours. And never by any chance become involved in any
+     difficulties which will bring you into a court of law of
+     higher jurisdiction than a police court. An occasional 'drunk
+     and disorderly' will do you no harm, and only cost you 5_s._
+     Beyond a little indulgence of this kind--beware! In all
+     probability I shall be in the North in a few weeks. Sessions
+     commence next month. I will write to the Mum this week.--With
+     best love to all, I am, Your affectionate brother,
+
+         FRANK LOCKWOOD."
+
+"Mr. Mellor vouches for the following story, which, as it illustrates
+Lockwood's humour and had gone the round of the newspapers, I will tell.
+It is the ancient custom of the new Lord Mayor of London, attended by
+the Recorder and Sheriffs, to come into the law-courts and be introduced
+to the Lord Chief Justice or, if he is not there, to the senior judge to
+be found on the premises, and, after a little lecture from the Bench, to
+return good for evil by inviting the judges to dinner, only to receive
+the somewhat chilling answer, 'Some of their lordships will attend.' On
+this occasion the ceremony was over, and the Lord Mayor and his retinue
+was retiring from the Court, when his lordship's eye rested on Lockwood,
+who in a new wig was one of the throng by the door. 'Ah, my young
+friend!' said the Lord Mayor in a pompous way (for in those days there
+was no London County Council to teach Lord Mayors humility); 'picking up
+a little law, I suppose?' Lockwood had his answer ready. With a profound
+bow, he replied: 'I shall be delighted to accept your lordship's
+hospitality. I think I heard your lordship name seven as the hour.' The
+Lord Mayor hurried out of Court, and even the policeman (and to the
+police Lord Mayors are almost divine) shook with laughter."
+
+Counsel sometimes find their position so weak that their only hope of
+damaging the other side lies in ridiculing their witnesses. Serjeant
+Parry on one occasion was defending a client against a claim for breach
+of promise of marriage made a few hours after a chance meeting in Regent
+Street. According to the lady's story the introduction had been effected
+through the gentleman offering to protect her from a dog. In course of
+cross-examination Parry said: "You say you were alarmed at two dogs
+fighting, madam?"--"No, no, it was a single dog," was the reply. "What
+you mean, madam," retorted Parry, "is that there was only one dog; but
+whether it was a single dog or a married dog you are not in a position
+to say." With this correction it need not be wondered that the lady had
+little more to say.
+
+A learned counsellor in the midst of an affecting appeal in Court on a
+slander case delivered himself of the following flight of genius.
+"Slander, gentlemen, like a boa constrictor of gigantic size and
+immeasurable proportions, wraps the coil of its unwieldy body about its
+unfortunate victim, and, heedless of the shrieks of agony that come from
+the utmost depths of its victim's soul, loud and reverberating as the
+night thunder that rolls in the heavens, it finally breaks its unlucky
+neck upon the iron wheel of public opinion; forcing him first to
+desperation, then to madness, and finally crushing him in the hideous
+jaws of mortal death."
+
+Talking of his early days at the Bar, Mr. Thomas Edward Crispe, in
+_Reminiscences of a K.C._, relates how on one occasion he was opposed by
+a somewhat eccentric counsel named Wharton, known in his day as the
+"Poet of Pump Court." The case was really a simple one, but Wharton made
+so much of it that when the luncheon half-hour came the judge, Mr.
+Justice Archibald, with some emphasis, addressing Mr. Wharton, said: "We
+will now adjourn, and, Mr. Wharton, I hope you will take the opportunity
+of conferring with your friend Mr. Crispe and settling the matter out of
+Court."
+
+But Wharton would not agree to this, and when at last he had to address
+the jury, he, in the course of his speech, made the following remarks,
+for every word of which Mr. Crispe vouches:
+
+"Gentlemen, I think it only courteous to the learned judge to refer to
+the advice his lordship gave me to settle the matter out of Court. That
+reminds me of a case, tried in a country court, in an action for
+detention of a donkey. The plaintiff was a costermonger and the
+defendant a costermonger; they conducted the case in person. At one
+o'clock the judge said: 'Now, my men, I'm going to have my lunch, and
+before I come back I hope you'll settle your dispute out of Court.' When
+he returned the plaintiff came in with a black eye and the defendant
+with a bleeding nose, and the defendant said: 'Well, your honour, we've
+taken your honour's advice; Jim's given me a good hiding, and I've
+given him back his donkey.'"
+
+Mr. F. E. Smith, M.P., tells a story of a County Court case he was once
+engaged in, in which the plaintiff's son, a lad of eight years, was to
+appear as a witness.
+
+When the youngster entered the box he wore boots several sizes too
+large, a hat that almost hid his face, long trousers rolled up so that
+the baggy knees were at his ankles, and, to complete the picture, a
+swallow-tail coat that had to be held to keep it from sweeping the
+floor. This ludicrous picture was too much for the Court; but the judge,
+between his spasms of laughter, managed to ask the boy his reason for
+appearing in such garb.
+
+With wondering look the lad fished in an inner pocket and hauled the
+summons from it, pointing out a sentence with solemn mien as he did so:
+"To appear in his father's suit" it read.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There have been few readier men in retort than the late Mr. Francis
+Oswald, the author of _Oswald on Contempt of Court_. After a stiff
+breeze in a Chancery Court, the judge snapped out, "Well, I can't teach
+you manners, Mr. Oswald."--"That is so, m'lud, that is so," replied the
+imperturbable one. On another occasion, an irascible judge observed, "If
+you say another word, Mr. Oswald, I'll commit you."--"That raises
+another point--as to your lordship's power to commit counsel engaged in
+arguing before you," was the cool answer.
+
+The author of _Pie Powder_ in his entertaining volume, tells us that he
+was once dining with a barrister who had just taken silk. In the course
+of after-dinner talk, the new K.C. invited his friend to tell him what
+he considered was his (the K.C.'s) chief fault in style. After some
+considerable hesitation his friend admitted that he thought the K.C.
+erred occasionally in being too long. This apparently somewhat annoyed
+the K.C., and his friend feeling he had perhaps spoken too freely,
+thought he would smooth matters by inviting similar criticism of himself
+from the K.C., who at once replied, "My dear boy, I don't think really
+you have any fault. _Except, you know, you are so d--d offensive._"
+
+A judge and a facetious lawyer conversing on the subject of the
+transmigration of souls, the judge said, "If you and I were turned into
+a horse and an ass, which of them would you prefer to be?"--"The ass, to
+be sure," replied the lawyer.--"Why?"--"Because," replied the lawyer, "I
+have heard of an ass being a judge, but of a horse, never."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SERJEANT TALFOURD.]
+
+In some cases counsel receive answers to questions which they had no
+business to put, and these, if not quite to their liking, are what they
+justly deserve. The following story of George Clarke, a celebrated
+negro minstrel, is a case in point. On one occasion, when being examined
+as a witness, he was severely interrogated by a lawyer. "You are in the
+minstrel business, I believe?" inquired the lawyer. "Yes, sir," was the
+reply. "Is not that rather a low calling?"--"I don't know but what it
+is, sir," replied the minstrel; "but it is so much better than my
+father's that I am rather proud of it." The lawyer fell into the trap.
+"What was your father's calling?" he inquired. "He was a lawyer,"
+replied Clarke, in a tone that sent the whole Court into a roar of
+laughter as the discomfited lawyer sat down.
+
+At the Durham Assizes an action was tried which turned out to have been
+brought by one neighbour against another for a trifling matter. The
+plaintiff was a deaf old lady, and after a pause the judge suggested
+that the counsel should get his client to compromise it, and to ask her
+what she would take to settle it. Very loudly counsel shouted out to his
+client: "His lordship wants to know what you will take?" She at once
+replied: "I thank his lordship kindly, and if it's no ill convenience to
+him, I'll take a little _warm ale_."
+
+A tailor sent his bill to a lawyer, and a message to ask for payment.
+The lawyer bid the messenger tell his master that he was not running
+away, and was very busy at the time. The messenger returned and said he
+must have the money. The lawyer testily answered, "Did you tell your
+master that I was not running away?"--"Yes, I did, sir; but he bade me
+tell you that _he was_."
+
+A well-known barrister at the criminal Bar, who prided himself upon his
+skill in cross-examining a witness, had an odd-looking witness upon whom
+to operate. "You say, sir, that the prisoner is a thief?"--"Yes,
+sir--'cause why, she confessed it."--"And you also swear she did some
+repairs for you subsequent to the confession?"--"I do, sir."--"Then,"
+giving a knowing look at the Court, "we are to understand that you
+employ dishonest people to work for you, even after their rascalities
+are known?"--"Of course! How else could I get assistance from a
+lawyer?"--"Stand down!" shouted the man of law.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+At Worcester Assizes, a cause was tried as to the soundness of a horse,
+and a clergyman had been a witness, who gave a very confused account of
+the transaction, and the matters he spoke to. A blustering counsel on
+the other side, after many attempts to get at the facts, said: "Pray,
+sir, do you know the difference between a horse and a cow?"--"I
+acknowledge my ignorance," replied the clergyman. "I hardly know the
+difference between a horse and a cow, or between a bully and a bull.
+Only a bull, I am told, has horns, and a bully," bowing respectfully to
+the counsel, "_luckily for me, has none_."
+
+"In Court one day," says Mr. W. Andrews in _The Lawyer_, "I heard the
+following sharp encounter between a witness and an exceedingly irascible
+old-fashioned solicitor who, among other things, hated the modern custom
+of growing a beard or moustache. He himself grew side-whiskers in the
+most approved style of half a century ago. "Speak up, witness," he
+shouted, "and don't stand mumbling there. If you would shave off that
+unsightly moustache we might be better able to hear what was coming out
+of your lips." "And if you, sir," said the witness quietly, "would shave
+off those side-whiskers you would enable my words to reach your ears.""
+
+"My friend," said an irritable lawyer, "you are an ass."--"Do you mean,
+sir," asked the witness, "that I am your friend because I am an ass, or
+an ass because I am your friend?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Counsel sometimes comes to grief in dealing with experts. "Do you,"
+asked one of a scientist, "know of a substance called Sulphonylic
+Diazotised Sesqui Oxide of Aldehyde?" and he looked round triumphantly.
+"Certainly," came the reply. "It is analogous in diatomic composition of
+Para Sulpho Benzine Azode Methyl Aniline in conjunction with
+Phehekatoline." Counsel said he would pursue the matter no further.
+
+An action was brought by the owner of a donkey which was forced against
+a wall by a waggon and killed. The driver of the donkey was the chief
+witness, and was much bullied by Mr. Raine, the defendant's counsel, so
+that he lost his head and was reprimanded by the judge for not giving
+direct answers, and looking the jury in the face. Mr. Raine had a
+powerful cast in his eye, which probably heightened the poor fellow's
+confusion; and he continued to deal very severely with the witness,
+reminding him again and again of the judge's caution, saying: "Hold up
+your head, man: look up, I say. Can't you hold up your head, fellow?
+Can't you look as I do?" The witness, with much simplicity, at once
+answered, "I can't, you squint." On re-examination, Serjeant Cockle for
+the plaintiff, seeing gleams of the witness's recovery from his
+confusion, asked him to describe the position of the waggon and the
+donkey. After much pressing, at last he said, "Well, my lord judge, I'll
+tell you as how it happened." Turning to Cockle, he said, "You'll
+suppose ye are the wall."--"Aye, aye, just so, go on. I am the wall,
+very good."--"Yes, sir, you are the wall." Then changing his position a
+little, he said, "I am the waggon."--"Yes, very good; now proceed, you
+are the waggon," said the judge. The witness then looked to the judge,
+and hesitating at first, but with a low bow and a look of sudden
+despair, said, "And your lordship's the ass!"
+
+Serjeant Cockle, who had a rough, blustering manner, once got from a
+witness more than he gave. In a trial of a right of fishery, he asked
+the witness: "Dost thou love fish?"--"Aye," replied the witness, with a
+grin, "but I donna like cockle sauce with it." The learned serjeant was
+not pleased with the roar of laughter which followed the remark.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. H. L. Adam in _The Story of Crime_ says he remembers a very amusing
+incident in one of our police courts. A prisoner had engaged a solicitor
+to defend him, and while the latter was speaking on his behalf he
+suddenly broke in with, "Why, he dunno wot the devil he's talking
+abaht!" Thereupon the magistrate informed him that if he was
+dissatisfied with his advocate's capabilities, he could, if he chose,
+defend himself. This he elected to do, and in the end was acquitted, the
+magistrate remarking that had the case been left to counsel he would
+unquestionably have been convicted.
+
+In cross-examining a witness, says Judge Parry in _What the Judge Saw_,
+who had described the effects of an accident, was confronted by counsel
+with his statement, and asked, "But hadn't you told the doctor that
+your thigh was numb and had no feeling?"--"What's the good o' telling
+him anything," replied the witness. "That's where doctor made a mistake.
+I told 'im I was numb i' front, and what does he do but go and stick a
+pin into my back-side. 'E's no doctor."
+
+From the same source is the following story. Another man was testifying
+to an accident that had occurred to him at the works where he was
+employed. It was sought to prove that his testimony was false because he
+had a holiday that day, and this poser was put to him: "Do you mean to
+tell the Court that you came to work when you might have been enjoying a
+holiday?"--"Certainly."--"Why did you do that?" The reply was too
+obviously truthful. "What should I do? I have nowhere to go. I'm
+teetotal now."
+
+A Jew had been condemned to be hanged, and was brought to the gallows
+along with a fellow prisoner; but on the road, before reaching the place
+of execution, a reprieve arrived for the Jew. When informed of this, it
+was expected that he would instantly leave the cart in which he was
+conveyed, but he remained and saw his fellow prisoner hanged. Being
+asked why he did not at once go about his business, he said, "He was
+waiting to see if he could bargain with Mr. Ketch for the _other
+gentleman's clothes_!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A sign-painter presented his bill to a lawyer for payment. After
+examining it the lawyer said, "Do you expect any painter will go to
+heaven if they make such charges as these?"--"I never heard of but one
+that went," said the painter, "and he behaved so badly that they
+determined to turn him out, but there being no lawyer present to draw up
+the Writ of Ejectment, he remained."
+
+This must be the lawyer who, being refused entrance to heaven by St.
+Peter, contrived to throw his hat inside the door; and then, being
+permitted to go and fetch it, took advantage of the Saint being fixed to
+his post as doorkeeper and refused to come back again.
+
+A solicitor who was known to occasionally exceed the limit at lunch
+betrayed so much unsteadiness that the magistrate quickly observed, "I
+think, Mr. ----, you are not quite well, perhaps you had a little too
+much wine at lunch."--"Quite a mistake, your worship," hiccoughed Mr.
+----. "It was brandy and water."
+
+The son-in-law of a Chancery barrister having succeeded to the lucrative
+practice of the latter, came one morning in breathless haste to inform
+him that he had succeeded in bringing nearly to its termination a cause
+which had been pending in the Court for several years. Instead of
+obtaining the expected congratulations of the retired veteran of the
+law, his intelligence was received with indignation. "It was by this
+suit," exclaimed he, "that my father was enabled to provide for me, and
+to portion your wife, and with the exercise of common prudence it would
+have furnished you with the means of providing handsomely for your
+children and grandchildren."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER THREE
+
+THE JUDGES OF IRELAND
+
+
+    "So slow is justice in its ways
+      Beset by more than customary clogs,
+    Going to law in these expensive days
+      Is much the same as going to the dogs."
+
+    WILLOCK: _Legal Facetiæ_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER THREE
+
+THE JUDGES OF IRELAND
+
+
+In the days of Queen Anne corruption was rife among Irish judges, as it
+was also among members of the Scottish Bench at an earlier period, and
+it was not uncommon to find the former concurring in Privy Council
+reports issued contrary to evidence. Within the area of the Munster
+Circuit in the early years of the eighteenth century a petition was
+signed and presented to Parliament by clergy, resident gentry, and
+others in the district, because Lord Chancellor Phipps refused to be
+influenced in his decision of cases coming before him, and had thereby
+incurred the displeasure of a certain section of the Irish Parliament.
+Even a Lord Chief Justice was not above taking a gift; and in this
+connection O'Flanagan in _The Munster Circuit_ tells a story of Chief
+Justice Pyne, who was a great cattle-breeder and owner of valuable
+stock. One day before starting for Cork Assizes to try a case in which a
+Mr. Weller and a Mr. Nangle were concerned, he received a visit from the
+former's steward, who had been sent with a herd of twenty-five splendid
+heifers for his lordship. The judge was highly pleased, and returned by
+the steward a gracious message of thanks to his master. On the way to
+Cork the Chief Justice's coach was stopped by a drove of valuable
+shorthorns on the road. Looking out, his lordship demanded of the
+drover, "Whose beasts are these, my man?"--"They belong, please your
+honour, to a great gentleman of these parts, Judge Pyne, your honour,"
+replied the man. "Indeed," cried the Chief Justice in much surprise,
+"and where are you taking them now?"--"They are grazing in my master Mr.
+Nangle's farm, your honour; and as the Assizes are coming on at Cork my
+master thought the judge might like to see that he took good care of
+them, so I'm taking them to Waterpark (his lordship's estate) to show to
+the judge." The judge felt the delicacy of Mr. Nangle's mode of giving
+his present, and putting a guinea in the drover's hand said, "As your
+master has taken such good care of my cattle, I will take care of him."
+When the case came on it appeared at first that the judge favoured the
+plaintiff, Mr. Weller, but as it proceeded he changed his views and
+finally decided for the defendant, Mr. Nangle. On arriving home the
+judge's first question was, "Are the cattle all safe?"--"Perfectly, my
+lord."--"Where are the beasts I received on leaving for the Cork
+Assizes?"--"They are where you left them, my lord."--"Where I left
+them--that is impossible," exclaimed the judge. "I left them on the
+road." The steward looked puzzled. "I'll have a look at them myself,"
+said Chief Justice Pyne. The steward led the way, and pointed out the
+twenty-five fine heifers presented by Mr. Weller, the plaintiff. "But
+where are the shorthorns that came after I left home?"--"Bedad, the
+long and the short of it is, them's all the cattle on the land, except
+what we have bred ourselves, my lord." And so it was. Mr. Nangle, the
+defendant, had so arranged his gift to meet the judge on the road, but
+as soon as his lordship's coach was out of sight the cattle were driven
+back to their familiar fields. The Chief Justice had been outwitted and
+had no power of showing resentment.
+
+In the manners and customs of the legal profession of Ireland in the
+latter part of the eighteenth century, there is also a strong similarity
+between the members of the Scottish Bench and their Irish brethren, in
+that they were heavy port drinkers; and did not hesitate to indulge in
+it while sitting on the Bench. It is reported of one Irish judge that he
+had a specially constructed metal tube like a penholder, through which
+he sucked his favourite liquor, from what appeared to the audience to be
+a metal inkstand. Another judge on being asked if, at a social
+gathering, he had seen a learned brother dance, "Yes," he replied, "I
+saw him in a _reel_"; while Curran referring to a third judge, who had
+condemned a prisoner to death, said, "He did not weep, but he had a drop
+in his eye."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Unblushing effrontery and a bronzed visage gained for John Scott (Lord
+Clonmel) while at the Bar the sobriquet of "Copper-faced Jack." He took
+the popular side in politics, which ordinarily would not have led to
+promotion in his profession; but his outstanding ability attracted the
+attention of Lord Chancellor Lifford, and through his influence Scott
+was offered a place under the Government. On accepting it at the hands
+of Lord Townshend, he said, "My lord, you have spoiled a good patriot."
+Some time after he met Flood, a co-patriot, and addressed him: "Well, I
+suppose you will be abusing me as usual." To which Flood replied: "When
+I began to abuse you, you were a briefless barrister; by abuse I made
+you counsel to the revenue, by abuse I got you a silk gown, by abuse I
+made you Solicitor-General, by abuse I may make you Chief Justice. No,
+Scott, I'll praise you."
+
+When Lord Clonmel was Lord Chief Justice he upheld the undignified
+practice of demanding a shilling for administering an oath, and used to
+be well satisfied, provided the coin was a _good one_. In his time the
+Birmingham shilling was current, and he used the following extraordinary
+precautions to avoid being imposed upon by taking a bad one. "You shall
+true answer make to such questions as shall be demanded of you touching
+this affidavit, so help you God! _Is this a good shilling?_ Are the
+contents of this affidavit true? Is this your name and handwriting?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The family of Henn belonging to Clare have been, generation after
+generation, since the first of the name became Chief Baron in 1679,
+connected with the Irish Bench and Bar. William Henn, a descendant of
+the Chief Baron, was made a Judge of the King's Bench in 1767, and when
+on Circuit at Wexford in 1789 two young barristers contended before him
+with great zeal and pertinacity, each flatly contradicting the other as
+to the law of the case; and both at each turn of the argument again and
+again referred with exemplary confidence to the learned judge, as so
+well knowing that what was said by him (the speaker) was right. The
+judge said, "Well, gentlemen, can I settle this matter between you? You,
+sir, say positively the law is one way; and you, sir (turning to the
+opponent), as unequivocally say it is the other way. I wish to God,
+Billy Harris (leaning over and addressing the registrar who sat beneath
+him), I knew what the law really was!"--"My lord," replied Billy Harris,
+rising, and turning round with great gravity and respect, "if I
+possessed that knowledge, I assure your lordship that I would tell your
+lordship with great pleasure!"--"Then," exclaimed the judge, "we'll save
+the point, Billy Harris!"
+
+Although more appropriate in the following chapter, we may here
+introduce a story of the younger son of the Judge Henn of the previous
+story. Jonathan, who was more distinguished than his elder
+brother--another Judge Henn--did not attain to the Bench. In early
+years he was indifferent whether briefs were given him or not, and
+indeed on one occasion he is said to have sent a message to the
+Attorney-General, who had called to engage him in a case, to keep "his
+d--d brief and to take himself to the d--l." But later he became very
+industrious, and his natural ability soon brought him into a large and
+lucrative practice. He was counsel for the Government at the trial of
+John Mitchell, and at its close the wags of the Court declared that
+"Judge Moore _spoke_ to the evidence, but Jonathan Henn _charged the
+jury_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HUGH CARLETON, VISCOUNT CARLETON, LORD CHIEF JUSTICE OF
+IRELAND.]
+
+Chief Justice Carleton was a most lugubrious judge, and was always
+complaining of something or other, but chiefly about the state of his
+health, so that Curran remarked that it was strange the old judge was
+_plaintive_ in every case tried before him.
+
+One day his lordship came into Court very late, looking very woeful. He
+apologised to the Bar for being obliged to adjourn the Court at once and
+dismiss the jury for that day. "Though," his lordship added, "I am aware
+that an important issue stands for trial. But, the fact is, gentlemen
+(addressing the Bar in a low tone of voice and somewhat confidentially),
+I have met with a domestic misfortune, which has altogether deranged my
+nerves. Poor Lady Carleton has, most unfortunately, miscarried,
+and--." "Oh, then, my lord," exclaimed Curran, "I am sure we are all
+quite satisfied your lordship has done right in deciding there is no
+_issue_ to try to-day." His lordship smiled a ghastly smile, and,
+retiring, thanked the Bar for their sympathy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Judge Foster was trying five prisoners for murder, and misunderstood the
+drift of the evidence. Four of the prisoners seem to have assisted, but
+a witness said as to the fifth, Denis Halligan, that it was he who gave
+the fatal blow: "My lord, I saw Denis Halligan (that's in the dock
+there) take a vacancy (Irish word for 'aim' at an unguarded part) at the
+poor soul that's kilt, and give him a wipe with a _clehalpin_ (Irish
+word for 'bludgeon'), and lay him down as quiet as a child." They were
+found guilty. The judge, sentencing the first four, gave them seven
+years' imprisonment. But when he came to Halligan, who really killed the
+deceased, the judge said, "Denis Halligan, I have purposely reserved the
+consideration of your case to the last. Your crime is doubtless of a
+grievous nature, yet I cannot avoid taking into consideration the
+mitigating circumstances that attend it. By the evidence of the witness
+it clearly appears that _you_ were the only one of the party who showed
+any mercy to the unfortunate deceased. You took him to a vacant seat,
+and wiped him with a clean napkin, and you laid him down with the
+gentleness one shows to a little child. In consideration of these
+extenuating circumstances, which reflect some credit upon you, I shall
+inflict upon you three weeks' imprisonment." So Denis Halligan got off
+by the judge mistaking a vacancy for a vacant seat, and a _clehalpin_
+for a clean napkin.
+
+John Toler (Lord Norbury) was Chief Justice of the Common Pleas in
+Ireland. His humour was broad, and his absolute indifference to
+propriety often saved the situation by converting a serious matter into
+a wholly ludicrous one. His Court was in constant uproar, owing to his
+noisy jesting, and like a noted old Scottish judge he would have his
+joke when the life of a human being was hanging in the balance. Even on
+his own deathbed he could not resist the impulse. On hearing that his
+friend Lord Erne was also nearing his end at the same time, he called
+for his valet: "James," said Lord Norbury, "run round to Lord Erne and
+tell him with my compliments that it will be a _dead_-heat between us."
+
+The best illustration of the almost daily condition of things when Lord
+Norbury presided at Nisi Prius is given by himself in his reply to the
+answer of a witness. "What is your business?" asked the judge. "I keep a
+_racquet-court_, my lord."--"So do I, so do I," immediately exclaimed
+the judge. Nor did he reserve his _bon mots_ for Court merriment.
+Passing the Quay on his way to the Four Courts one morning, he noticed a
+crowd and inquired of a bystander the cause of it. On being told that a
+tailor had just been rescued from attempted suicide by drowning, his
+lordship exclaimed, "What a fool to leave his _hot goose_ for a _cold
+duck_." The boastful statement of a gentleman in his company that he had
+shot seventy hares before breakfast drew from the Chief Justice the
+sarcastic remark, "I suppose, sir, you fired at a wig."
+
+A son of a peer having been accused of arson, of which offence he was
+generally believed guilty, but acquitted on a point of insufficiency of
+evidence to sustain the indictment, was tried before Lord Norbury. The
+young gentleman met the judge next at the Lord-Lieutenant's levee in the
+Castle. Instead of avoiding the Chief Justice, the scion of nobility
+boldly said, "I have recently married, and have come here to enable me
+to present my bride at the Drawing-Room."--"Quite right to mind the
+Scripture. Better marry than burn," retorted Lord Norbury.
+
+A barrister once pressed him to non-suit the plaintiff in a case; but
+his lordship decided to let it go to a jury trial. "I do believe," said
+the disappointed advocate, "your lordship has not the _courage to
+non-suit_."--"You say, sir," replied the irate judge, "you don't believe
+I'd have the courage to non-suit. I tell you I have courage to _shoot_
+and to _non-shoot_, but I'll not non-suit for you." This same counsel
+was once horsewhipped by an army officer at Nelson's Pillar in Sackville
+Street, and applied for a Criminal Information against his assailant.
+"Certainly he shall have it," said the witty judge. "The Court is bound
+to give protection to any one who has _bled under the gallant Nelson_."
+
+On a motion before this judge, a sheriff's officer, who had the
+hardihood to serve a process in Connemara, where the king's writ _did
+not run_, swore that the natives made him eat and swallow both copy and
+original. Norbury, affecting great disgust, exclaimed: "Jackson,
+Jackson, I hope it's not made returnable into this Court."
+
+While giving a judgment on a writ of right, Lord Norbury observed that
+it was not sufficient for a demandant to say he "claimed by descent."
+"Such an answer," he continued, "would be a shrewd one for a sweep, who
+got into your house by coming down the chimney; and it would be an easy,
+as well as a sweeping, way of getting in."
+
+His lordship was attacked by a fit of gout when on Circuit, and sent to
+the Solicitor-General requesting the loan of a pair of large slippers.
+"Take them," said the Solicitor to the servant, "with my respects, and I
+hope soon to be in his lordship's shoes."
+
+At the instigation of O'Connell, Lord Norbury was finally removed from
+the Bench. A flagrant case of partiality was brought to Lord Brougham's
+notice which exasperated Lord Norbury, and he is reported to have said,
+"I'll resign to demand satisfaction. That Scottish Broom wants to be
+made acquainted with an Irish stick."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Two notorious highwaymen were charged before Chief Baron O'Grady with
+robbery, and to the surprise of all the jury returned a verdict of not
+guilty. "Mr. Murphy," said the judge to the gaoler, "you will greatly
+ease my mind by keeping these two respectable gentlemen in custody until
+seven o'clock. I leave for Dublin at five, and I should like to have at
+least two hours' start of them." There is also the story of a barrister
+who made an eloquent speech and got his client off, but he was very
+anxious to know whether the prisoner was guilty or not. "Well, sir,"
+said the man when applied to, "to tell the truth I thought I was guilty
+until I heard you speak, and then I didn't see how I could be." This at
+once recalls an old story. "Prisoner, I understand you confess your
+guilt," said the judge. "No, I don't," said the prisoner. "My counsel
+has convinced me of my innocence."
+
+On hearing that some spendthrift barristers, friends of his, were
+appointed to be Commissioners of Insolvent Debtors the Chief Baron
+remarked, "At all events, the insolvents can't complain of not being
+tried by their peers." It was the same judge who caustically observed,
+after a long and dull legal argument: "I agree with my brother J----,
+for the reasons given by my brother M----." A prisoner once was given a
+practical specimen of his lordship's wit, and must have been rather
+distressed by it. He was passing sentence upon a pickpocket, and
+ordering a punishment common at that time. "You will be whipped from
+North Gate to South Gate," said the judge. "Bad luck to you, you old
+blackguard," said the prisoner. "--And back again," said the Chief
+Baron, as if he had been interrupted in the delivery of the sentence.
+
+A cause of much celebrity was tried at a county Assize, at which Chief
+Baron O'Grady presided. Bushe, then a K.C., who held a brief for the
+defence, was pleading the cause of his client with much eloquence, when
+a donkey in the courtyard outside set up a loud bray. "One at a time,
+brother Bushe!" called out his lordship. Peals of laughter filled the
+Court. The counsel bore the interruption as best he could. The judge was
+proceeding to sum up with his usual ability: the donkey again began to
+bray. "I beg your lordship's pardon," said Bushe, putting his hand to
+his ear; "but there is such an echo in the Court that I can't hear a
+word you say."
+
+In his charges to juries, O'Grady frequently made some quaint remarks.
+There was a Kerry case in which a number of men were indicted for riot
+and assault. Several of them bore the familiar names of O'Donoghue,
+Moriarty, Duggan, &c., while among the jurymen these names were also
+found. Well knowing that consanguinity was prevalent in the district,
+the judge began his address to the jury with the significant remark: "Of
+course, gentlemen, you will acquit your own relatives." In another case
+of larceny of pantaloons which was clearly proved, but in which the
+thief got a good character for honesty, he began: "Gentlemen, the
+prisoner was an honest boy, but he stole the pantaloons."
+
+"I merely wish to address your lordship on the form of the indictment,
+if your lordship pleases," said a young barrister to the Chief Baron.
+"Oh, certainly, I will hear you with mighty great pleasure, sir; but
+I'll be after taking the verdict of the jury first," was the sarcastic
+reply.
+
+The brother of Chief Baron O'Grady once caught a boy stealing turnips
+from one of his fields and asked his lordship if the culprit could be
+prosecuted under the Timber Acts. "No," said the Chief Baron, "unless
+you can prove that your turnips are sticky."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Yelverton, first Baron Avonmore, possessed remarkable rhetorical
+ability and a highly cultivated mind. He rose rapidly at the Bar, until
+he became Chief Baron of Exchequer. He was the founder of the convivial
+order of St. Patrick, called "The Monks of the Screw," of which Curran,
+who wrote its charter song, was Prior. Avonmore was a man of warm and
+benevolent feelings, which he gave vent to in an equal degree in private
+life, in the senate, and on the Bench.
+
+Before giving an anecdote of Lord Avonmore it may interest readers,
+especially English and Scottish, to quote here the charter song of this
+famous Irish convivial club of the eighteenth century.
+
+    THE CHARTER SONG OF THE
+    MONKS OF THE SCREW
+
+    When St. Patrick this order establish'd,
+    He called us the "Monks of the Screw"!
+    Good rules he reveal'd to our Abbot,
+    To guide us in what we should do.
+    But first he replenish'd our fountain,
+    With liquor the best in the sky;
+    And he swore on the word of a saint
+    That the fountain should never run dry.
+
+    Each year when your octaves approach,
+    In full chapter convened let me find you,
+    And when to the convent you come
+    Leave your favourite temptation behind you;
+    And be not a glass in your convent,
+    Unless on a festival found;
+    And this rule to enforce I ordain it,
+    Our festival all the year round.
+
+    My brethren, be chaste till you're tempted;
+    While sober be grave and discreet;
+    And humble your bodies with fasting,
+    As oft as you've nothing to eat.
+    Yet, in honour of fasting, one lean face
+    Among you I'll always require,
+    If the Abbot should please he may wear it--
+    If not, let it come to the Prior.
+
+The last two lines hit off the appearance of the Abbot, a Mr. Doyle, and
+of the Prior, J. P. Curran. The former was a big burly man with a fat,
+jovial face, while Curran was a short and particularly spare man whose
+"lean face" always attracted attention.
+
+On a Lent Circuit, one of the Assize towns happened to be a place, of
+which one of Lord Avonmore's college contemporaries held a living: at
+his own request, the Chief Baron's reverend friend preached the Assize
+sermon. The time being the month of March the weather was cold, the
+judge was chilled, and unhappily the sermon was long, and the preacher
+tedious. After the discourse was over, the preacher descended from the
+pulpit and approached the judge, smirking and smiling, looking fully
+satisfied with his own exertions, and expecting to receive the
+compliments and congratulations of his quondam chum. "Well, my lord,"
+he asked, "and how did you like the sermon?"--"Oh! most wonderfully,"
+replied Avonmore. "It was like the peace of God--it passed all
+understanding; and--like his mercy--I thought it would have endured for
+ever."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When Plunket was at the Bar his great friend and rival was C. K. Bushe.
+The former was Attorney-General at the same time as the latter was
+Solicitor-General, and it caused him much dissatisfaction when Plunket
+learned that on a change of Government Solicitor-General Bushe had not
+followed his example and resigned office. At the time this occurred both
+barristers happened to be engaged in a case at which, when it was
+called, Bushe only appeared. On the judge inquiring of Mr. Bushe if he
+knew the reason of Mr. Plunket's absence his friend jocosely remarked,
+"I suppose, my lord, he is Cabinet-making." This pleasantry, at his
+expense, was told to Plunket by a friend, when he arrived in Court, on
+which, turning to the judge, the ex-Attorney-General proudly said, "I
+assure your lordship I am not so well qualified for Cabinet-making as my
+learned friend. I never was either a _turner_ or a _joiner_."
+
+Two eminent Irish astronomers differed in an argument on the parallax of
+a lyræ--the one maintaining that it was three seconds, and the other
+that it was only two seconds. On being told of this discussion, and
+that the astronomers parted without arriving at an agreement, Plunket
+quietly remarked: "It must be a very serious quarrel indeed, when even
+the seconds cannot agree."
+
+Once applying the common expression to accommodation bills of exchange,
+that they were _mere kites_, the judge, an English Chancellor, said "he
+never heard that expression applied before to any but the kites of
+boys."--"Oh," replied Plunket, "that's the difference between kites in
+England and in Ireland. In England the wind raises the kite, but in
+Ireland the kite raises the wind."
+
+Everybody (says Phillips) knew how acutely Plunket felt his forced
+resignation of the chancellorship, and his being superseded by Lord
+Campbell. A violent storm arose on the day of Campbell's expected
+arrival, and a friend remarking to Plunket how sick of his promotion the
+passage must have made the new Chancellor: "Yes," said the former,
+ruefully, "but it won't make him throw up the seals."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. Frankfort Moore, in his _Journalist's Notebook_, relates how Justice
+Lawson summed up in the case of a man who was charged with stealing a
+pig. The evidence of the theft was quite conclusive, and, in fact, was
+not combated; but the prisoner called the priests and neighbours to
+attest to his good character. "Gentlemen of the jury," said the judge,
+"I think that the only conclusion you can arrive at is, that the pig was
+stolen by the prisoner, and that he is the most amiable man in the
+country."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER FOUR
+
+THE BARRISTERS OF IRELAND
+
+
+     "'Men that hire out their words and anger'; that are more or
+     less passionate according as they are paid for it, and allow
+     their client a quantity of wrath proportionable to the fee
+     which they receive from him."
+
+     ADDISON: _The Spectator_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER FOUR
+
+THE BARRISTERS OF IRELAND
+
+
+The Irish counsel like the occupants of the Bench were, in early times,
+eminent for their jolly carousing. Once, about 1687, a heavy argument
+coming on before Lord Chancellor Fitton, Mr. Nagle, the solicitor,
+retained Sir Toby Butler as counsel, who entered into a bargain that he
+would not drink a drop of wine while the case was at hearing. This
+bargain reached the ears of the Chancellor, who asked Sir Toby if it was
+true that such a compact had been made. The counsel said it was true,
+and the bargain had been rigidly kept; but on further inquiry he
+admitted that as he had only promised not to _drink_ a _drop_ of wine,
+he felt he must have some stimulant. So he got a basin, into which he
+poured two bottles of claret, and then got two hot rolls of bread,
+sopped them in the claret and ate them. "I see," replied the Chancellor;
+"in truth, Sir Toby, you deserve to be master of the rolls!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: JOHN P. CURRAN, MASTER OF ROLLS.]
+
+One naturally turns to Curran for a selection of the witty sayings of
+the Irish Bar, and abundantly he supplies them, although in these days
+many of his jests may be considered as in somewhat doubtful taste.
+Phillips tells us he remembered Curran once--in an action for breach of
+promise of marriage, in which he was counsel for the defendant, a young
+clergyman--thus appealing to the jury: "Gentlemen, I entreat you not to
+ruin this young man by a vindictive verdict; for _though_ he has
+talents, and is in the Church, _he may rise_!"
+
+After his college career Curran went to London to study for the
+Bar. His circumstances were often straitened, and at times so much
+so that he had to pass the day without dinner. But under such
+depressing circumstances his high spirits never forsook him. One
+day he was sitting in St. James's Park merrily whistling a tune
+when a gentleman passed, who, struck by the youth's melancholy
+appearance while, at the same time, he whistled a lively air, asked
+how he "came to be sitting there whistling while other people were
+at dinner." Curran replied, "I would have been at dinner too, but a
+trifling circumstance--delay in remittances--obliges me to dine on
+an Irish tune." The result was that Curran was invited to dine with
+the stranger, and years afterwards, when he had become famous, he
+recalled the incident to his entertainer--Macklin, the celebrated
+actor--with the assurance, "You never acted better in your life."
+
+From Phillips again we have Curran's retort upon an Irish judge, who was
+quite as remarkable for his good humour and raillery as for his legal
+researches. Curran was addressing a jury on one of the State trials in
+1803 with his usual animation. The judge, whose political bias, if any
+judge can have one, was certainly supposed not to be favourable to the
+prisoner, shook his head in doubt or denial of one of the advocate's
+arguments. "I see, gentlemen," said Curran, "I see the motion of his
+lordship's head; common observers might imagine that implied a
+difference of opinion, but they would be mistaken; it is merely
+accidental. Believe me, gentlemen, if you remain here many days, you
+will yourselves perceive that when his lordship shakes his head, there's
+_nothing in it_!"
+
+Curran was one day engaged in a case in which he had for a junior a
+remarkably tall and slender gentleman, who had been originally intended
+to take orders. The judge observing that the case under discussion
+involved a question of ecclesiastical law, Curran interposed with: "I
+refer your lordship to a high authority behind me, who was once intended
+for the Church, though in my opinion he was fitter for the steeple."
+
+He was one day walking with a friend, who, hearing a person say
+"curosity" for "curiosity," exclaimed: "How that man murders the English
+language!"--"Not so bad as that," replied Curran. "He has only knocked
+an 'i' out."
+
+Curran never joined the hunt, except once, not far from Dublin. His
+horse joined very keenly in the sport, but the horseman was inwardly
+hoping all the while that the dogs would not find. In the midst of his
+career, the hounds broke into a potato field of a wealthy land-agent,
+who happened to have been severely cross-examined by Curran some days
+before. The fellow came up patronisingly and said, "Oh sure, you are
+Counsellor Curran, the great lawyer. Now then, Mr. Lawyer, can you tell
+me by what law you are trespassing on my ground?"--"By what law, did you
+ask, Mr. Maloney?" replied Curran. "It must be the _Lex Tally-ho-nis_,
+to be sure."
+
+During one of the Circuits, Curran was dining with a brother advocate at
+a small inn kept by a worthy woman known by the Christian name of
+Honoria, or, as it is generally called, Honor. The gentlemen were so
+pleased with their entertainment that they summoned Honor to receive
+their compliments and drink a glass of wine with them. She attended at
+once, and Curran after a brief eulogium on the dinner filled a glass,
+and handing it to the landlady proposed as a toast "Honor and Honesty,"
+to which the lady with an arch smile added, "Our absent friends," drank
+off her amended toast and withdrew.
+
+He happened one day to have for his companion in a stage-coach a very
+vulgar and revolting old woman, who seemed to have been encrusted with a
+prejudice against Ireland and all its inhabitants. Curran sat chafing in
+silence in his corner. At last, suddenly, a number of cows, with their
+tails and heads in the air, kept rushing up and down the road in
+alarming proximity to the coach windows. The old woman manifestly was
+but ill at ease. At last, unable to restrain her terror, she faltered
+out, "Oh dear; oh dear, sir! what can the cows mean?"--"Faith, my good
+woman," replied Curran, "as there's an Irishman in the coach, I
+shouldn't wonder if they were on the outlook for _a bull_!"
+
+Curran was once asked what an Irish gentleman, just arrived in England,
+could mean by perpetually putting out his tongue. "I suppose," replied
+the wit, "he's trying _to catch the English accent_."
+
+During the temporary separation of Lord Avonmore and Curran, Egan
+espoused the judge's imaginary quarrel so bitterly that a duel was the
+consequence. The parties met, and on the ground Egan complained that the
+disparity in their sizes gave his antagonist a manifest advantage. "I
+might as well fire at a razor's edge as at him," said Egan, "and he may
+hit me as easily as a turf-stack."--"I'll tell you what, Mr. Egan,"
+replied Curran; "I wish to take no advantage of you--let my _size_ be
+_chalked_ out upon your side, and I am quite content that every shot
+which hits outside that mark should _go for nothing_." And in another
+duel, in which his opponent was a major who had taken offence at some
+remark the eminent counsel had made about him in Court, the major asked
+Curran to fire first. "No," replied Curran, "I am here on your
+invitation, so you must _open the ball_."
+
+Sir Thomas Furton, who was a respectable speaker, but certainly nothing
+more, affected once to discuss the subject of eloquence with Curran,
+assuming an equality by no means palatable to the latter. Curran
+happening to mention, as a peculiarity of his, that he could not speak
+above a quarter of an hour without requiring something to moisten his
+lips, Sir Thomas, pursuing his comparisons, declared _he_ had the
+advantage in that respect. "I spoke," said he, "the other night in the
+Commons for five hours on the Nabob of Oude, and never felt in the least
+thirsty."--"It is very remarkable, indeed," replied Curran, "for
+everyone agrees that was the _driest_ speech of the session."
+
+Lord Clare (says Mr. Hayward) had a favourite dog which was permitted to
+follow him to the Bench. One day, during an argument of Curran's, the
+Chancellor turned aside and began to fondle the dog, with the obvious
+view of intimating inattention or disregard. The counsel stopped; the
+judge looked up: "I beg your pardon," continued Curran, "I thought your
+lordship had been in consultation."
+
+Curran often raised a laugh at Lord Norbury's expense. The laws, at that
+period, made capital punishment so general that nearly all crimes were
+punishable with death by the rope. It was remarked Lord Norbury never
+hesitated to condemn the convicted prisoner to the gallows. Dining in
+company with Curran, who was carving some corned beef, Lord Norbury
+inquired, "Is that hung beef, Mr. Curran?"--"Not yet, my lord," was the
+reply; "you have not _tried_ it."
+
+"A doldrum, Mr. Curran! What does the witness mean by saying you put him
+in a doldrum?" asked Lord Avonmore. "Oh, my lord, it is a very common
+complaint with persons of this description; it's merely a confusion of
+the head arising from a corruption of the heart."
+
+Angered one day in debate, he put his hand on his heart, saying, "I am
+the trusty guardian of my own honour."--"Then," replied Sir Boyle Roche,
+"I congratulate my honourable friend in the snug little sinecure to
+which he has appointed himself."
+
+But on one occasion he met his match in a pert, jolly, keen-eyed son of
+Erin, who was up as a witness in a case of dispute in the matter of a
+horse deal. Curran was anxious to break down the credibility of this
+witness, and thought to do it by making the man contradict himself--by
+tangling him up in a network of adroitly framed questions--but to no
+avail. The ostler's good common sense, and his equanimity and good
+nature, were not to be upset. Presently, Curran, in a towering rage,
+thundered forth, as no other counsel would have dared to do in the
+presence of the Court: "Sir, you are incorrigible! The truth is not to
+be got from you, for it is not in you. I see the villain in your
+face!"--"Faith, yer honour," replied the witness, with the utmost
+simplicity of truth and honesty, "my face must be moighty clane and
+shinin' indade, if it can reflect like that." For once in his life the
+great barrister was floored by a simple witness. He could not recover
+from that repartee, and the case went against him.
+
+When Curran heard that there was a likelihood of trouble for the part he
+took in 1798, and that in all probability he would be deprived of the
+rank of Q.C., he remarked: "They may take away the _silk_, but they
+leave the _stuff_ behind."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Bully" Egan had a great muscular figure, as may be guessed from the
+story of the duel with Curran. To his bulk he added a stentorian voice,
+which he freely used in Nisi Prius practice to browbeat opposing counsel
+and witnesses, and through which he acquired his _sobriquet_. On one
+occasion his opponent was a dark-visaged barrister who had made out a
+good case for his client. Egan, in the course of an eloquent address,
+begged the jury not to be carried away by the "dark oblivion of a
+brow."--"What do you mean by using such balderdash?" said a friend. "It
+may be balderdash," replied Egan, "but depend upon it, it will do very
+well for that jury." On another occasion he concluded a vituperative
+address by describing the defendant as "a most naufrageous
+ruffian."--"What sort of a ruffian is that?" whispered his junior. "I
+have no idea," responded Egan, "but I think _it sounds well_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+H. D. Grady was a strong supporter, in the Irish Parliament, of the
+Union of Great Britain and Ireland, although he represented a
+constituency strongly opposed to it; and he did not conceal the fact
+that the Government had made it worth his while to support them. "What!"
+exclaimed one of his constituents who remonstrated with him; "do you
+mean to sell your country?"--"Thank God," cried this patriot, "I have a
+country to sell."
+
+For his Court work this anti-Nationalist barrister had what he called
+his "jury-eye." When he wanted a jury to note a particular point he kept
+winking his right eye at them. Entering the Court one day looking very
+depressed, a sympathetic friend asked if he was quite well, adding, "You
+are not so lively as usual."--"How can I be," replied Grady, "my
+jury-eye is out of order."
+
+He was examining a foreign sailor at Cork Assizes. "You are a Swede, I
+believe?"--"No, I am not."--"What are you then?"--"I am a Dane." Grady
+turned to the jury, "Gentlemen, you hear the equivocating scoundrel. _Go
+down, sir!_"
+
+Judge Boyd who, according to O'Connell, was guilty of sipping his wine
+through a peculiarly made tube from a metal inkstand, to which we have
+already referred, one day presided at a trial where a witness was
+charged with being intoxicated at the time he was speaking about. Mr.
+Harry Grady laboured hard to show that the man had been sober. Judge
+Boyd at once interposed and said: "Come now, my good man, it is a very
+important consideration; tell the Court truly, were you drunk or were
+you sober upon that occasion?"--"Oh, quite sober, my Lord." Grady added,
+with a significant look at the _inkstand_, "As sober as a judge!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. Bethell, a barrister at the time of the Union of Ireland and Great
+Britain, like many of his brethren, published a pamphlet on that
+much-vexed subject. Mr. Lysaght, meeting him, said: "Bethell, you never
+told me you had published a pamphlet on the Union. The one I saw
+contained some of the best things I have ever seen in any of these
+publications."--"I am proud you think so," rejoined the other eagerly.
+"Pray what was the thing that pleased you so much?"--"Well," replied
+Lysaght, "as I passed a pastry-cook's shop this morning, I saw a girl
+come out with three hot mince-pies wrapped up in one of your
+productions!"
+
+"Pleasant Ned Lysaght," as his familiar friends called him, meeting a
+Dublin banker one day offered himself as an assistant if there was a
+vacancy in the bank's staff. "You, my dear Lysaght," said the banker;
+"what position could you fill?"--"Two," was the reply. "If you made me
+_cashier_ for one day, I'll become _runner_ the next."
+
+And it was Lysaght who made a neat pun on his host's name at a dinner
+party during the Munster Circuit. The gentleman, named Flatly, was in
+the habit of inviting members of the Bar to his house when the Court was
+held in Limerick. One evening the conversation turned upon matrimony,
+and surprise was expressed that their host still remained a bachelor. He
+confessed that he never had had the courage to propose to a young lady.
+"Depend upon it," said Lysaght, "if you ask any girl _boldly_ she will
+not refuse you, _Flatly_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+O'Flanagan, author of _The Lord Chancellors of Ireland_, writes of
+Holmes, an Irish barrister: "He made us laugh very much one day in the
+Queen's Bench. I was waiting for some case in which I was counsel, when
+the crier called, 'Pluck and Diggers,' and in came James Scott, Q.C.,
+very red and heated, and, throwing his bag on the table within the bar,
+he said, 'My lords, I beg to assure your lordships I feel so exhausted I
+am quite unable to argue this case. I have been speaking for three hours
+in the Court of Exchequer, and I am quite tired; and pray excuse me, my
+lords, I must get some refreshment.' The Chief Justice bowed, and said,
+'Certainly, Mr. Scott.' So that gentleman left the Court. 'Mr. Holmes,
+you are in this case,' said the Chief Justice; 'we'll be happy to hear
+you.'--'Really, my lord, I am very tired too,' said Mr. Holmes.
+'Surely,' said the Chief Justice, 'you have not been speaking for three
+hours in the Court of Exchequer? What has tired you?'--'Listening to Mr.
+Scott,' was Holmes' sarcastic reply."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Although rivals in their profession, C. K. Bushe had a great admiration
+for Plunket's abilities, and would not listen to any disparagement of
+them. One day while Plunket was speaking at the Bar a friend said to
+Bushe, "Well, if it was not for the eloquence, I'd as soon listen to
+----," who was a very prosy speaker. "No doubt," replied Bushe, "just as
+the Connaught man said, ''Pon my conscience if it was not for the malt
+and the hops, I'd as soon drink ditch water as porter.'"
+
+There is an impromptu of Bushe's upon two political agitators of the day
+who had declined an appeal to arms, one on account of his wife, the
+other from the affection in which he held his daughter:
+
+    "Two heroes of Erin, abhorrent of slaughter,
+    Improved on the Hebrew command--
+    One honoured his wife, and the other his daughter,
+    That 'their' days might be long in 'the land.'"
+
+A young barrister once tried to raise a laugh at the Mess dinner at the
+expense of "Jerry Keller," a barrister who was prominent in social
+circles of Dublin, and whose cousin, a wine merchant, held the contract
+for supplying wine to the Mess cellar. "I have noticed," said the
+junior, "that the claret bottles are growing smaller and smaller at each
+Assizes since your cousin became our wine merchant."--"Whist!" replied
+Jerry; "don't you be talking of what you know nothing about. It's quite
+natural the bottles should be growing smaller, because we all know _they
+shrink in the washing_."
+
+An ingenious expedient was devised to save a prisoner charged with
+robbery in the Criminal Court at Dublin. The principal thing that
+appeared in evidence against him was a confession, alleged to have been
+made by him at the police office. The document, purporting to contain
+this self-criminating acknowledgment, was produced by the officer, and
+the following passage was read from it:
+
+    "Mangan said he never robbed but twice
+    Said it was Crawford."
+
+This, it will be observed, has no mark of the writer having any notion
+of punctuation, but the meaning attached to it was, that
+
+    "Mangan said he never robbed but twice.
+    _Said it was Crawford._"
+
+Mr. O'Gorman, the counsel for the prisoner, begged to look at the paper.
+He perused it, and rather astonished the peace officer by asserting,
+that so far from its proving the man's guilt, it clearly established his
+innocence. "This," said the learned gentleman, "is the fair and obvious
+reading of the sentence:
+
+    "Mangan said he never robbed;
+    _But twice said it was Crawford_."
+
+This interpretation had its effect on the jury, and the man was
+acquitted.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There were two barristers at the Irish Bar who formed a singular
+contrast in their stature--Ninian Mahaffy was as much above the middle
+size as Mr. Collis was below it. When Lord Redsdale was Lord Chancellor
+of Ireland these two gentlemen chanced to be retained in the same cause
+a short time after his lordship's elevation, and before he was
+personally acquainted with the Irish Bar. Mr. Collis was opening the
+motion, when the Lord Chancellor observed, "Mr. Collis, when a barrister
+addresses the Court, he must stand."--"I am standing on the bench, my
+lord," said Collis. "I beg a thousand pardons," said his lordship,
+somewhat confused. "Sit down, Mr. Mahaffy."--"I am sitting, my lord,"
+was the reply to the confounded Chancellor.
+
+A barrister who was present on this occasion made it the subject of the
+following epigram:
+
+    "Mahaffy and Collis, ill-paired in a case,
+    Representatives true of the rattling size ace;
+    To the heights of the law, though I hope you will rise,
+    You will never be judges I'm sure of a(s)size."
+
+A very able barrister, named Collins, had the reputation of occasionally
+involving his adversary in a legal net, and, by his superior subtlety,
+gaining his cause. On appearing in Court in a case with the eminent
+barrister, Mr. Pigot, Q.C., there arose a question as to who should be
+leader, Mr. Collins being the senior in standing at the Bar, Mr. Pigot
+being one of the Queen's Counsel. "I yield," said Mr. Collins; "my
+friend holds the honours."--"Faith, if he does, Stephen," observed Mr.
+Herrick, "'tis you have all the tricks."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DANIEL O'CONNELL, "THE LIBERATOR."]
+
+It is told by one of O'Connell's biographers that he never prepared his
+addresses to judges or juries--he trusted to the inspiration of the
+moment. He had at command humour and pathos, invective and argument; he
+was quick-witted and astonishingly ready in repartee, and he brought all
+these into play, as he found them serviceable in influencing the bench
+or the jury-box.
+
+Lord Manners, Lord Chancellor of Ireland, stopped several of the many
+counsels in a Chancery suit by saying he had made up his mind. He, in
+fact, lost his temper as each in succession rose, and he declined them
+in turn. At last O'Connell, one of the unheard counsel, began in his
+deepest and most emphatic tone: "Well then, my lord, since your lordship
+refuses to hear my learned friend, you will be pleased to hear ME"; and
+then he plunged into the case, without waiting for any expression,
+assent or dissent, or allowing any interruption. On he went, discussing
+and distinguishing, and commenting and quoting, till he secured the
+attention of, and evidently was making an impression on, the unwilling
+judge. Every few minutes O'Connell would say: "Now, my lord, my learned
+young friend beside me, had your lordship heard him, would have informed
+your lordship in a more impressive and lucid manner than I can hope to
+do," etcetera, until he finished a masterly address. The Lord Chancellor
+next morning gave judgment in favour of O'Connell's client.
+
+He was engaged in a will case, the allegation being that the will was a
+forgery. The subscribing witness swore that the will had been signed by
+the deceased "while life was in him"--that being an expression derived
+from the Irish language, which peasants who have long ceased to speak
+Irish still retain. The evidence was strong in favour of the will, when
+O'Connell was struck by the persistency of the man, who always repeated
+the same words, "The life was in him." O'Connell asked: "On the virtue
+of your oath, was he alive?"--"By the virtue of my oath, the life was
+in him."--"Now I call upon you in the presence of your Maker, who will
+one day pass sentence on you for this evidence, I solemnly ask--and
+answer me at your peril--was there not a live fly in the dead man's
+mouth when his hand was placed on the will?" The witness was taken aback
+at this question; he trembled, turned pale, and faltered out an abject
+confession that the counsellor was right; a fly had been introduced into
+the mouth of the dead man, to allow the witness to swear that "life was
+in him."
+
+O'Connell was defending John Connor on a charge of murder. The most
+incriminating evidence was the finding of the murderer's hat, left
+behind on the road. The all-important question was as to the
+identity of the hat as that of the accused man. A constable was
+prepared to swear to it. "You found this hat?" said O'Connell.
+"Yes."--"You examined it?"--"Yes."--"You know it to be the
+prisoner's property?"--"Yes."--"When you picked it up you saw it
+was damaged?"--"Yes."--"And looking inside you saw the prisoner's
+name, J-O-H-N C-O-N-N-O-R?" (here he spelt out the name slowly).
+"Yes," was the answer. "There is no name inside at all, my lord,"
+said O'Connell, and the prisoner was saved.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Explaining to a judge his absence from the Civil Court at the time a
+case was heard, in which he should have appeared as counsel, O'Connell
+said he could not leave a client in the Criminal Court until the verdict
+was given. "What was it?" inquired the judge. "Acquitted," responded
+O'Connell. "Then you have got off a wretch who is not fit to live," said
+the judge. O'Connell, knowing his lordship to be a very religious man,
+at once replied: "I am sure you will agree with me that a man whom you
+regard as not fit to _live_ would be still more _unfit_ to die."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There was a young barrister--a contemporary of O'Connell--named Parsons,
+who had a good deal of humour, and who hated the whole tribe of
+attorneys. Perhaps they had not treated him very well, but his prejudice
+against them was very constant and conspicuous. One day, in the Hall of
+the Four Courts, an attorney came up to him to beg a subscription
+towards burying a brother attorney who had died in distressed
+circumstances. Parsons took out a one-pound note and tendered it. "Oh,
+Mr. Parsons," said the applicant, "I do not want so much--I only ask a
+shilling from each contributor. I have limited myself to that, and I
+cannot really take more."--"Oh, take it, take it," said Parsons; "for
+God's sake, my good sir, take the pound, and while you are at it bury
+twenty of them."
+
+There is a terseness in the following which seems to be inimitable.
+Lord Norbury was travelling with Parsons; they passed a gibbet.
+"Parsons," said Norbury, with a chuckle, "where would _you_ be now if
+every one had his due?"--"Alone in my carriage," replied Parsons.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Here is a young Irishman's first Bar-speech. "Your lordships perceive
+that we stand here as our grandmothers' administrators _de bonis non_;
+and really, my lords, it does strike me that it would be a monstrous
+thing to say that a party can now come in, in the very teeth of an Act
+of Parliament, and actually turn us round, under colour of hanging us
+up, on the foot of a contract made behind our backs."
+
+A learned Serjeant MacMahon was noted for his confusion of language in
+his efforts to be sublime. He cared less for the sense than the sound.
+As, for example: "Gentlemen of the jury, I smell a rat--but I'll nip it
+in the bud." And, "My client acted boldly. He saw the storm brewing in
+the distance, but he was not dismayed! He took the bull by the horns and
+he _indicted him for perjury_."
+
+Peter Burrowes, a well-known member of the Irish Bar, was on one
+occasion counsel for the prosecution at an important trial for murder.
+Burrowes had a severe cold, and opened his speech with a box of lozenges
+in one hand and in the other the small pistol bullet by which the man
+had met his death. Between the pauses of his address he kept supplying
+himself with a lozenge. But at last, in the very middle of a
+'high-falutin' period, he stopped. His legal chest heaved, his eyes
+seemed starting from his head, and in a voice tremulous with fright he
+exclaimed: "Oh! h-h!!! Gentlemen, gentlemen; I've swallowed the
+bul-let!"
+
+An Irish counsel who was once asked by the judge for whom he was
+"concerned," replied: "My lord, I am retained by the defendant, and
+therefore I am concerned for the plaintiff."
+
+A junior at the Bar in course of his speech began to use a simile of
+"the eagle soaring high above the mists of the earth, winning its daring
+flight against a midday sun till the contemplation becomes too dazzling
+for humanity, and mortal eyes gaze after it in vain." Here the orator
+was noticed to falter and lose the thread of his speech, and sat down
+after some vain attempts to regain it; the judge remarking: "The next
+time, sir, you bring an eagle into Court, I should recommend you to clip
+its wings."
+
+Mr. Tim Healy's power of effective and stinging repartee is probably
+unexcelled. He is seldom at a loss for a retort, and there are not a few
+politicians and others who regret having been foolish enough to rouse
+his resentment. There is on record, however, an amusing interlude in the
+passing of which Tim was discomfited--crushed, and found himself unable
+to "rise to the occasion."
+
+During the hearing of a case at the Recorder's Court in Dublin the
+Testament on which the witnesses were being sworn disappeared. After a
+lengthy hunt for it, counsel for the defendant noticed that Mr. Healy
+had taken possession of the book, and was deeply absorbed in its
+contents, and quite unconscious of the dismay its disappearance was
+causing.
+
+"I think, sir," said the counsel, addressing the Recorder, "that Mr.
+Healy has the Testament." Hearing his name mentioned, Mr. Healy looked
+up, realised what had occurred, and, with apologies, handed it over.
+
+"You see, sir," added the counsel, "Mr. Healy was so interested that he
+did not know of our loss. He took it for a new publication." For once
+Mr. Healy's nimble wit failed him, and forced him to submit to the
+humiliation of being scored off.
+
+In the North of Ireland the peasantry pronounce the word witness
+"wetness." At Derry Assizes a man said he had brought his "wetness" with
+him to corroborate his evidence. "Bless me," said the judge, "about what
+age are you?"--"Forty-two my last birthday, my lord," replied the
+witness. "Do you mean to tell the jury," said the judge, "that at your
+age you still have a wet nurse?"--"Of course I have, my lord." Counsel
+hereupon interposed and explained.
+
+The witness who gave the following valuable testimony, however, was
+probably keeping strictly to fact. "I sees Phelim on the top of the
+wall. 'Paddy,' he says. 'What,' says I. 'Here,' says he. 'Where?' says
+I. 'Hush,' says he. 'Whist,' says I. And that's all."
+
+The wit of the Irish Bar seems to infect even the officers of the Courts
+and the people who enter the witness-box. It is impossible, for example,
+not to admire the fine irony of the usher who, when he was told to clear
+the Court, called out: "All ye blaggards that are not lawyers lave the
+building."
+
+Irish judges have much greater difficulties to contend against, because
+the people with whom they have to deal have a fund of ready retort.
+"Sir," said an exasperated Irish judge to a witness who refused to
+answer the questions put to him--"sir, this is a contempt of Court."--"I
+know it, my lord, but I was endeavouring to concale it," was the
+irresistible reply.
+
+A certain Irish attorney threatening to prosecute a printer for
+inserting in his paper the death of a person still living, informed him
+that "No person should publish a death unless informed of the fact by
+the party deceased."
+
+A rather amusing story is told of a trial where one of the Irish jurymen
+had been "got at" and bribed to secure the jury agreeing to a verdict of
+"Manslaughter," however much they might want to return one upon the
+capital charge of "Murder." The jury were out for several hours, and it
+was believed that eventually the result would be that they would not
+agree upon a verdict at all. However, close upon midnight, they were
+starved into one, and it was that of "Manslaughter." Next day the
+particular juryman concerned received his promised reward, and in paying
+it, the man who had arranged it for him remarked: "I suppose you had a
+great deal of difficulty in getting the other jurymen to agree to a
+verdict of 'Manslaughter'?"--"I should just think I did," replied the
+man. "I had to knock it into them, for all the others--the whole eleven
+of them--wanted to acquit him."
+
+An Irish lawyer addressed the Court as _Gentlemen_ instead of _Your
+Honours_. When he had concluded, a brother lawyer pointed out his error.
+He immediately rose and apologised thus: "In the heat of the debate I
+called your honours gentlemen,--I made a mistake, your honours."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER FIVE
+
+THE JUDGES OF SCOTLAND
+
+
+    "Ye Barristers of England
+      Your triumphs idle are,
+    Till ye can match the names that ring
+      Round Caledonia's Bar.
+    Your _John Doe_ and your Richard Roe
+      Are but a paltry pair:
+    Look at those who compose
+      The flocks round Brodie's Stair,
+    Who ruminate on Shaw and Tait
+      And flock round Brodie's Stair.
+
+    *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "But, Barristers of England,
+      Come to us lovingly,
+    And any Scot who greets you not
+      We'll send to Coventry.
+    Put past your brief, embark for Leith,
+      And when you've landed there,
+    Any wight with delight
+      Will point out Brodie's Stair
+    Or lead you all through Fountainhall
+      Till you enter Brodie's Stair."
+
+    OUTRAM: _Legal and other Lyrics_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER FIVE
+
+THE JUDGES OF SCOTLAND
+
+
+From the Institution of the Court of Session by James V of Scotland till
+well into the nineteenth century, it was the custom of Scottish judges
+when taking their seat on the Bench to assume a title from an estate--it
+might even be from a farm--already in their own or their family's
+possession. So we find that nearly every parish in Scotland has given
+birth to a judge who by this practice has made that parish or an estate
+in it more or less familiar to Scottish ears. Monboddo, near Fordoun, in
+Kincardineshire, at once recalls the judge who gave "attic suppers" in
+his house in St. John Street, Edinburgh, and held a theory that all
+infants were born with tails like monkeys; but under the modern practice
+of simply adding "Lord" to his surname of Burnet, we doubt if his
+eccentric personality would be so readily remembered. Lord Dirleton's
+_Doubts_, Lord Fountainhall's _Historical Observes_, carry a more
+imposing sound in their titles than if those one-time indispensable
+works of reference had been simply named Nisbet on Legal Doubts, and
+Lauder on Historical Observations of Memorable Events.
+
+The selection of a title was an important matter with these old judges.
+When Lauder was raised to the Bench, his estate to the south-east of
+Edinburgh was called Woodhead; but it would never have done for a
+Senator of the College of Justice to be known as "Lord Woodhead," so the
+name of the estate was changed to Fountainhall, and as Lord Fountainhall
+he took his seat among "the Fifteen" as the full Bench of judges was
+then termed.
+
+These old-time judges with their rugged ferocity, corruption, and
+occasionally brave words and deeds, in a great measure present to us now
+a miniature history of Scotland in the seventeenth and eighteenth
+centuries. "Show me the man, and I will show you the law," one is
+reported to have said, meaning that the litigant with the longest purse
+was pretty certain to win his case in the long run. They delighted in
+long arguments, and highly appreciated bewilderment in pleadings; "Dinna
+be brief," cried one judge when an advocate modestly asked to be briefly
+heard in a case in which he appeared as junior counsel. But the tendency
+to delay cases in the old Courts stretched beyond all reasonable lengths
+and became a scandal to the country. It was not a question of a month or
+even a year. Years passed and still cases remained undecided, some even
+were passed on from one generation to another--a litigant by his will
+handing on his plea in the Court to his successor along with his estate.
+This protracted delay in deciding causes formed the subject of that
+highly amusing and characteristic skit on the Scottish judges for which
+Boswell was largely responsible:
+
+    THE COURT OF SESSION GARLAND
+
+    PART FIRST
+
+    The Bill charged on was payable at sight
+    And decree was craved by Alexander Wight;[1]
+    But, because it bore a penalty in case of failzie
+    It therefore was null contended Willie Baillie.[2]
+
+    The Ordinary not chusing to judge it at random
+    Did with the minutes make avizandum.
+    And as the pleadings were vague and windy
+    His Lordship ordered memorials _hinc inde_.
+
+    We setting a stout heart to a stey brae
+    Took into the cause Mr. David Rae:[3]
+    Lord Auchenleck,[4] however, repelled our defence,
+    And over and above decerned for expence.
+
+    However of our cause not being asham'd,
+    Unto the whole Lords we straightway reclaim'd;
+    And our petition was appointed to be seen,
+    Because it was drawn by Robbie Macqueen.[5]
+
+    The answer of Lockhart[6] himself it was wrote,
+    And in it no argument or fact was forgot;
+    He is the lawyer that from no cause will flinch,
+    And on this occasion divided the Bench.
+
+    Alemoor,[7] the judgment as illegal blames,
+    'Tis equity, you bitch, replies my Lord Kames;[8]
+    This cause, cries Hailes,[9] to judge I can't pretend,
+    For Justice, I see, wants an _e_ at the end.
+
+    Lord Coalston[10] expressed his doubts and his fears,
+    And Strichen[11] then in his weel weels and O dears;
+    This cause much resembles that of M'Harg,
+    And should go the same way, says Lordy Barjarg.[12]
+
+    Let me tell you, my Lords, this cause is no joke;
+    Says with a horse laugh my Lord Elliock[13]
+    To have read all the papers I pretend not to brag,
+    Says my Lord Gardenstone[14] with a snuff and a wag.
+
+    Up rose the President,[15] and an angry man was he,
+    To alter this judgment I never can agree;
+    The east wing said yes, and the west wing cried not,
+    And it carried ahere by my Lord's casting vote.
+
+    This cause being somewhat knotty and perplext,
+    Their Lordships not knowing what they'd determine next;
+    And as the session was to rise so soon,
+    They superseded extract till the 12th of June.
+
+
+    PART SECOND
+
+    Having lost it, so now we prepare for the summer,
+    And on the 12th of June presented a reclaimer;
+    But dreading a refuse, we gave Dundas[16] a fee,
+    And though it run nigh it was carried to see.
+
+    In order to bring aid from usage beyond,
+    The answers were drawn by quondam Mess John;[17]
+    He united with such art our law the civil,
+    That the counsel, on both sides, would have seen him to the devil.
+
+    The cause being called, my Lord Justice-Clerk,[18]
+    With all due respect, began a loud bark;
+    He appeal'd to his conscience, his heart, and from thence,
+    Concluded to alter, but give no expence.
+
+    Lord Stonefield,[19] unwilling his judgment to podder,
+    Or to be precipitate agreed with his brother;
+    But Monboddo[20] was clear the bill to enforce,
+    Because, he observed, 'twas the price of a horse.
+
+    Says Pitfour[21] with a wink and his hat all agee,
+    I remember a case in the year twenty-three,
+    The magistrates of Banff contra Robert Carr,
+    I remember well, I was then at the Bar.
+
+    Likewise, my Lords, in the case of Peter Caw,
+    _Superflua non nocent_ was found to be law:
+    Lord Kennet[22] also quoted the case of one Lithgow
+    Where a penalty in a bill was held _pro non scripto_.
+
+    Lord President brought his chair to the plum,
+    Laid hold of the bench and brought forward his bum;
+    In these answers, my Lords, some freedoms have been used,
+    Which I could point out, provided I chus'd.
+
+    I was for this interlocutor, my Lords, I admit,
+    But am open to conviction as long's I here do sit;
+    To oppose your precedents I quote you some clauses,
+    But Tait[23] _a priori_ hurried up the causes.
+
+    He prov'd it as clear as the sun in the sky
+    That the maxims of law could not here apply,
+    That the writing in question was neither bill nor band
+    But something unknown in the law of the land.
+
+    The question adhere or alter being put,
+    It carried to alter by a casting vote:
+    Baillie then mov'd.--In the bill there's a raze,
+    But by that time their Lordships had called a new case.
+
+
+    FOOTNOTES:
+
+     [1] Wight: a well-known advocate of the period.
+     [2] Baillie: Lord Palkemmet.
+     [3] Afterwards Lord Eskgrove.
+     [4] The father of James Boswell.
+     [5] Afterwards Lord Braxfield.
+     [6] Lord Covington.
+     [7] Andrew Pringle.
+     [8] Henry Home, who was notorious for the use of the epithet in the
+          text.
+     [9] Sir David Dalrymple, author of the _Annals of Scotland_.
+    [10] George Brown of Coalston.
+    [11] Alexander Fraser of Strichen.
+    [12] James Erskine, who changed his title to Lord Alva.
+    [13] James Veitch.
+    [14] Francis Garden, who founded the town of Laurencekirk in
+          Kincardineshire.
+    [15] Robert Dundas, first Lord President of that name.
+    [16] Henry, first Viscount Melville, the friend of Pitt.
+    [17] A nickname for John Erskine of Carnoch.
+    [18] Sir Thomas Miller of Glenlee.
+    [19] John Campbell, raised to the Bench in 1796.
+    [20] Jas. Burnet of Monboddo, who had a theory that human beings
+          were born with tails.
+    [21] James Ferguson of Pitfour. Owing to weak eyesight he wore his
+          hat on the Bench.
+    [22] Robert Bruce of Kennet.
+    [23] Clerk of Session.
+
+It was the first Lord Meadowbank, who wearying of the dry statement of a
+case made by Mr. Thomas W. Blair, broke in with the remark: "Declaim,
+sir! why don't you declaim? Speak to me as if I were a popular
+assembly."
+
+In the reign of Queen Anne there was an old Scottish judge--Lord
+Dun--who was particularly distinguished for his piety. Thomas Coutts,
+the founder of the bank now so well known, used to relate of him that
+when a difficult case came before him, as Lord Ordinary, he used to say,
+"Eh, Lord, what am I to do? Eh, sirs, I wish you would make it up!" Of
+another judge of much the same period, also noted for his strict
+observance of religious ordinances; but who, at the same time, did not
+allow these to interfere with his social habits, it is related that
+every Saturday evening he had with him his niece, who afterwards married
+a more famous Scottish judge, Andrew Fletcher, Lord Milton, Charles Ross
+who made himself prominent in the "45" Rebellion, and David Reid, his
+clerk. The judge had what was, and in some parts of Scotland still is,
+known as "the exercise," which consisted of the reading of a chapter
+from the Bible, and his form of announcing the evening devotions was:
+"Betsy (his niece), ye hae a sweet voice, lift ye up a psalm; Charles,
+ye hae a gey strong voice, read the chapter; and David, fire ye the
+plate." Firing the plate consisted of a dish of brandy prepared for the
+company, of which David took charge, and while the first part of the
+proceedings were in progress David lighted the brandy, which when he
+thought it burnt to his master's taste he blew out, and this was the
+signal for the others to stop, while the whole company partook of the
+burnt brandy. This same judge--Lord Forglen--was walking one day with
+Lord Newhall, in the latter's grounds. Lord Newhall was a grave and
+austere man, while, as may be gathered, Lord Forglen was a medley of
+curious elements. As they passed a picturesque bend of a river Lord
+Forglen exclaimed: "Now, my lord, this is a fine walk. If ye want to
+pray to God, can there be a better place? If ye want to kiss a bonny
+lass, can there be a better place?"
+
+[Illustration: SIR DAVID RAE, LORD ESKGROVE.]
+
+Sir David Rae (Lord Eskgrove), Lord Justice-Clerk of Scotland, has been
+described as a ludicrous person about whom people seemed to have nothing
+else to do but tell stories. Sir Walter Scott imitated perfectly his
+slow manner of speech and peculiar pronunciation, which always put an
+accent on the last syllable of a word, and the letter "g" when at the
+end of a word got its full value. When a knot of young advocates was
+seen standing round the fireplace of the Parliament Hall listening to a
+low muttering voice, and the party suddenly broke up in roars of
+laughter, it was pretty certain to be a select company to whom Sir
+Walter had been retailing one of the latest stories of Lord Eskgrove.
+
+He was a man of much self-importance, which comes out in his remarks to
+a young lady of great beauty who was called as a witness in the trial of
+Glengarry for murder. "Young woman, you will now consider yourself as in
+the presence of Almighty God, and of this Court; lift up your veil,
+throw off all modesty, and look _me_ in the face."
+
+Sir John Henderson of Fordell, a zealous Whig, had long nauseated the
+Scottish Civil Courts by his burgh politics. Their lordships of the
+Bench had once to fix the amount of some discretionary penalty that he
+had incurred. Lord Eskgrove began to give his opinion in a very low
+voice, but loud enough to be heard by those next him, to the effect that
+the fine ought to be £50, when Sir John, with his usual imprudence,
+interrupted him and begged him to raise his voice, adding that if judges
+did not speak so as to be heard they might as well not speak at all.
+Lord Eskgrove, who could never endure any imputation of bodily
+infirmity, asked his neighbour, "What does the fellow say?"--"He says,
+that if you don't speak out, you may as well hold your tongue."--"Oh, is
+that what he says? My lords, what I was saying was very simpell; I was
+only sayingg, that in my humbell opinyon this fine could not be less
+than £250 sterlingg"--this sum being roared out as loudly as his old
+angry voice could launch it.
+
+A common saying of his to juries was: "And now, gentle-men, having shown
+you that the panell's argument is impossibill, I shall now proceed to
+show you that it is extremely improbabill."
+
+In condemning some persons to death for breaking into Sir John
+Colquhoun's house and assaulting him and others, as well as robbing
+them, Eskgrove, after enumerating minutely the details of their crime,
+closed his address to the prisoners with this climax: "All this you did;
+and God preserve us! juist when they were sitten doon tae their denner."
+
+When condemning a tailor convicted of stabbing a soldier, the offence
+was aggravated in Lord Eskgrove's eyes by the fact that "not only did
+you murder him, whereby he was berea-ved of his life, but you did
+thrust, or push, or pierce, or project, or propell, the le-thall weapon
+through the belly-band of his regimental breeches, which were his
+Majesty's."
+
+One of the most biting of caustic jests made by a judge of the old Court
+of Session of Scotland, before its reconstruction at the beginning of
+the nineteenth century, was uttered during the hearing of a claim to a
+peerage. The claimant was obviously resting his case upon forged
+documents, and the judge suddenly remarked in the broad dialect of the
+time, "If ye persevere ye'll nae doot be a peer, but it will be a peer
+o' anither tree!" The claimant did not appreciate this idea of being
+grafted, and abandoned the case.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+To return to the stories of the earlier period of the eighteenth
+century, there is one told of Lord Halkerston. He was waited on by a
+tenant, who with a woeful countenance informed his lordship that one of
+his cows had gored a cow belonging to the judge, and he feared the
+injured animal could not live. "Well, then, of course you must pay for
+it," said his lordship. "Indeed, my lord, it was not my fault, and you
+know I am but a very poor man."--"I can't help that. The law says you
+must pay for it. I am not to lose my cow, am I?"--"Well, my lord, if it
+must be so, I cannot say more. But I forgot what I was saying. It was my
+mistake entirely. I should have said that it was your lordship's cow
+that gored mine."--"Oh, is that it? That's quite a different affair. Go
+along, and don't trouble me just now. I am very busy. Be off, I say!"
+
+And there is one of the testy old Lord Polkemmet when he interrupted Mr.
+James Ferguson, afterwards Lord Kilkerran, whose energy in enforcing a
+point in his address to the Bench took the form of beating violently on
+the table: "Maister Jemmy, dinna dunt; ye may think ye're dunting it
+_intill me_, but ye're juist _dunting it oot o' me_, man."
+
+He was reputed to be dull, and rarely decided a case upon the first
+hearing. On one occasion, after having heard counsel, among whom was the
+Hon. Henry Erskine, John Clerk, and others, in a cause of no great
+difficulty, he addressed the Bar: "Well, Maister Erskine, I heard you,
+and I thocht ye were richt; syne I heard you, Dauvid, and I thocht ye
+were richt; and noo I hae heard Maister Clerk, and I think he's richtest
+amang ye a'. That bauthers me, ye see! Sae I man een tak' hame the
+process an' wimble-wamble it i' ma wame a wee ower ma toddy, and syne
+ye'se hae ma interlocutor."
+
+"The Fifteen," as the full Bench of the old Court of Session of Scotland
+was popularly called, were deliberating on a bill of suspension and
+interdict relative to certain caravans with wild beasts on the then
+vacant ground which formed the beginning of the new communication with
+the new Town of Edinburgh spreading westwards and the Lawnmarket--now
+known as the Mound. In the course of the proceedings Lord Bannatyne fell
+fast asleep. The case was disposed of and the next called, which related
+to a right of lien over certain goods. The learned lord who continued
+dozing having heard the word "lien" pronounced with an emphatic accent
+by Lord Meadowbank, raised the following discussion:
+
+Meadowbank: "I am very clear that there was a lien on this property."
+
+Bannatyne: "Certain; but it ought to be chained, because----"
+
+Balmuto: "My lord, it's no a livin' lion, it's the Latin word for lien"
+(leen).
+
+Hermand: "No, sir; the word is French."
+
+Balmuto: "I thought it was Latin, for it's in italics."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HENRY HOME, LORD KAMES.]
+
+Henry Home (Lord Kames) was at once one of the most enlightened and
+learned of Scottish judges of the latter half of the eighteenth century,
+and one of the most eccentric. His _History of Mankind_ brought him into
+correspondence with most of the famous men and women of his day, and yet
+it was his delight to walk up the Canongate and High Street with a
+half-witted creature who made it his business to collect all the gossip
+of the town and retail it to his lordship as he made his way to Court in
+the morning. His humour was very sarcastic, and nothing delighted him
+more than to observe that it cut home. Leaving the Court one day shortly
+before his death he met James Boswell, and accosted him with, "Well,
+Boswell, I shall be meeting your old father one of these days, what
+shall I say to him how you are getting on now?" Boswell disdained to
+reply. After a witness in a capital trial at Perth Circuit concluded his
+evidence, Lord Kames said to him, "Sir, I have one question more to ask
+you, and remember you are on your oath. You say you are from
+Brechin?"--"Yes, my lord."--"When do you return thither?"--"To-morrow,
+my lord."--"Do you know Colin Gillies?"--"Yes, my lord; I know him very
+well."--"Then tell him that I shall breakfast with him on Tuesday
+morning."
+
+Lord Kames used to relate a story of a man who claimed the honour of his
+acquaintance on rather singular grounds. His lordship, when one of the
+justiciary judges, returning from the North Circuit to Perth, happened
+one night to sleep at Dunkeld. The next morning, walking towards the
+ferry, but apprehending he had missed his way, he asked a man whom he
+met to conduct him. The other answered, with much cordiality, "That I
+will do with all my heart, my lord. Does not your lordship remember me?
+My name's John ----. I have had the _honour_ to be before your lordship
+for stealing sheep!"--"Oh, John, I remember you well; and how is your
+wife? She had the honour to be before me too, for receiving them,
+knowing them to be stolen."--"At your lordship's service. We were very
+lucky; we got off for want of evidence; and I am still going on in the
+butcher trade."--"Then," replied his lordship, "we may have the honour
+of meeting again."
+
+Once when on Circuit his lordship had been dozing on the bench, a noise
+created by the entrance of a new panel woke him, and he inquired what
+the matter was. "Oh, it's a woman, my lord, accused of child
+murder."--"And a weel farred b--h too," muttered his lordship, loud
+enough to be heard by those present.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: JOHN CLERK, LORD ELDIN.]
+
+John Clerk (Lord Eldin) was one of the best-known advocates at the
+Scottish Bar in the first quarter of the nineteenth century, and
+probably the last of them to retain the old Scots style of
+pronunciation. His voice was loud and his manner brow-beating, from
+which the Bench suffered equally with his brother members of the Bar. He
+suffered from a lameness in one leg, which was made the subject of a
+passing remark by two young women in the High Street of Edinburgh one
+day as Clerk was making his way to Court. "There goes John Clerk the
+lame lawyer," said one to the other. Clerk overheard the remark, and
+turning back addressed the speaker: "The lame man, my good woman, not
+the lame lawyer."
+
+The stories of his advocate days are numerous, and many of them probably
+well known. In his retention of old Scots pronunciation he got the
+better of Lord Eldon when pleading before the House of Lords one day.
+"That's the whole thing in plain English, ma lords," he said. "In plain
+Scotch, you mean, Mr. Clerk."--"Nae maitter, in plain common sense, ma
+lords, and that's the same in a' languages." On another occasion before
+the same tribunal he had frequently referred to water, pronouncing it
+"watter," when he was interrupted by the inquiry, "Do you spell water
+with two t's in the north, Mr. Clerk?"--"No, my lord, but we spell
+mainners wi' twa n's." And there is the well-known one of his use of the
+word "enough," which in old Scots was pronounced "enow." His repetition
+of the word in the latter form drew from the Lord Chancellor the remark
+that at the English Courts the word was pronounced "enough." "Very well,
+my lord," replied Clerk, and he proceeded with his address till coming
+to describe his client, who was a ploughman, and his client's claim, he
+went on: "My lords, my client is a pluffman, who pluffs a pluff gang o'
+land in the parish of," &c. "Oh! just go on with your own pronunciation,
+Mr. Clerk," remarked the Lord Chancellor.
+
+His encounters with members of the Scottish Bench were of a more
+personal character. Indeed, for years he appears to have held most of
+them in unfeigned contempt. A junior counsel on hearing their lordships
+give judgment against his client exclaimed that he was surprised at such
+a decision. This was construed into contempt of Court, and he was
+ordered to attend at the Bar next morning. Fearing the consequences of
+his rash remark, he consulted John Clerk, who offered to apologise for
+him in a way that would avert any unpleasant result. Accordingly, when
+the name of the delinquent was called, John Clerk rose and addressed the
+Bench: "I am sorry, my lords, that my young friend so far forgot
+himself as to treat your lordships with disrespect. He is extremely
+penitent, and you will kindly ascribe his unintentional insult to his
+ignorance. You will see at once that it did not originate in that: he
+said he was surprised at the decision of your lordships. Now, if he had
+not been very ignorant of what takes place in this Court every day; had
+he known your lordships but half so long as I have done, he would not be
+surprised at anything you did."
+
+Two judges, father and son, sat on the Scottish Bench, in succession,
+under the title of Lord Meadowbank. The second Lord Meadowbank was by no
+means such a powerful judge as his father. In his Court, Clerk was
+pressing his construction of some words in a conveyance, and contrasting
+the use of the word "also" with the use of the word "likewise."
+
+"Surely, Mr. Clerk," said his lordship, "you cannot seriously argue that
+'also' means anything different from 'likewise'! They mean precisely the
+same thing; and it matters not which of them is preferred."--"Not at
+all, my lord; there is all the difference in the world between these two
+words. Let us take an instance: your worthy father was a judge on that
+Bench; your lordship is 'also' a judge on the same Bench; but it does
+not follow that you are a judge 'like wise.'"
+
+When Meadowbank was about to be raised to the Bench he consulted John
+Clerk about the title he should adopt. Clerk's suggestion was "Lord
+Preserve Us." The legal acquirements of James Wolfe Murray were not held
+in high esteem by his brethren of the Bar, and when he became a judge
+with the title of Lord Cringletie, Clerk wrote the following clever
+epigram:
+
+    "Necessity and Cringletie
+      Are fitted to a tittle;
+    Necessity has nae law,
+      And Cringletie as little."
+
+The only man on the Bench for whom John Clerk retained a respectfulness
+not generally exhibited to others in that position was Lord President
+Blair. After hearing the President overturn without any effort an
+argument he had laboriously built up, and which appeared to be regarded
+as unsurmountable by the audience who heard it, Clerk sat still for a
+few moments, then as he rose to leave the Court he was heard to say: "My
+man, God Almighty spared nae pains when He made your brains."
+
+When he ascended the Bench in his sixty-fifth year, and when his
+physical powers were declining, he received the congratulations of his
+brother judges, one of whom expressed surprise that he had waited so
+long for the distinction. "Well, you see, I did not get 'doited' just as
+soon as the rest of you," replied the new-made judge.
+
+Like the generation preceding his, Clerk was of a very convivial
+disposition. Of him the story is told that one Sunday morning, while
+people were making their way to church, he appeared at his door in York
+Place in his dressing-gown and cowl, with a lighted candle in his hand,
+showing out two friends who had been carousing with him, and in the firm
+belief that it was about midnight instead of next mid-day. At the
+termination of a Bannatyne Club dinner, where wit and wine had contended
+for the mastery, the excited judge on the way to his carriage tumbled
+downstairs and, _miserabile dictu_, broke his nose, an accident which
+compelled him to confine himself to the house for some time. He
+reappeared, however, with a large patch on his olfactory member, which
+gave a most ludicrous expression to his face. On someone inquiring how
+this happened, he said it was the effect of his studies. "Studies!"
+ejaculated the inquirer. "Yes," growled the judge; "ye've heard, nae
+doot, about _Coke upon Littleton_, but I suppose you never before heard
+of _Clerk upon Stair_!"
+
+When asked by a friend what was the difference between him and Lord
+Eldon, the Lord Chancellor of England, Eldin replied; "Oh, there's only
+an 'i' of a difference."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CHARLES HAY, LORD NEWTON.]
+
+Charles Hay (Lord Newton), known in private life as "The Mighty," has
+been described by Lord Cockburn as "famous for law, paunch, whist,
+claret, and worth." His indulgence in wine and his great bulk made him
+slumbrous, and when sitting in Court after getting the gist of a case he
+almost invariably fell fast asleep. Yet it is strange to find it
+recorded that whenever anything pertinent to the matter under discussion
+was said he was immediately wide awake and in full possession of his
+reasoning faculties. While a very zealous but inexperienced counsel was
+pleading before him, his lordship had been dozing, as usual, for some
+time, till at last the young man, supposing him asleep, and confident of
+a favourable judgment in his case, stopped short in his pleading and,
+addressing the other judges on the Bench, said: "My lords, it is
+unnecessary that I should go on, as Lord Newton is fast asleep."--"Ay,
+ay," cried Lord Newton, "you will have proof of that by and by"--when,
+to the astonishment of the young advocate, after a most luminous view of
+the case, he gave a very decided and elaborate judgment against him.
+
+Lord Jeffrey himself declared that he only went to Oxford to improve his
+accent, and according to some of the older members of the Bar of his
+days, he only lost his Scots accent and did not learn the English. A
+story of his early days at the Bar is related to the effect that when
+pleading before Lord Newton the judge stopped him and asked in broad
+Scots, "Whaur were ye educat', Maister Jawfrey."--"Oxford, my
+lord."--"Then I doot ye maun gang back there again, for we can mak'
+nocht o' ye here." But Mr. Jeffrey got back his own. For, before the
+same judge, happening to speak of an "itinerant violinist," Lord Newton
+inquired: "D'ye mean a blin' fiddler?"--"Vulgarly so called, my lord,"
+was the reply.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HENRY COCKBURN, LORD COCKBURN.]
+
+Circuit Courts were in Scotland, in the eighteenth and early years of
+the nineteenth century (as in England and Ireland), occasions for a
+great display in the county towns in which they were held. Whether the
+judges had arrived on horseback or as later in their private carriages,
+there was always the procession to the court-house, in which the
+notabilities of the district took part. Lord Cockburn, who had no
+sympathy with this part of a judge's duties, thus describes one of his
+experiences in the early days of his Circuit journeys: "Yet there are
+some of us who like the procession, though it can never be anything but
+mean and ludicrous, and who fancy that a line of soldiers, or the more
+civic array of paltry policemen, or of doited special constables,
+protecting a couple of judges who flounder in awkward gowns and wigs
+through ill-paved streets, followed by a few sneering advocates and
+preceded by two or three sheriffs or their substitutes, with their
+swords, which trip them, and a provost and some bailie-bodies trying to
+look grand, the whole defended by a poor iron mace, and advancing each
+with a different step, to the sound of two cracked trumpets, ill-blown
+by a couple of drunken royal trumpeters, the spectators all laughing,
+who fancy that all this pretence of greatness and reality of littleness
+contributes to the dignity of judges." Things are changed now. Even Lord
+Cockburn saw the change that the introduction of railways made in the
+progress of Circuit work, and with them a lesser display and more
+dignified opening of the courts of justice in local towns. But the older
+Circuits were times of much feasting and merriment, in which the judges
+of that period took their full share as well as the members of the Bar
+accompanying them. In the eyes of some of these old worthies it was part
+of the dignity of their position to sit down after Court work at two
+o'clock in the morning to a collation of salmon and roast beef, and
+drink bumpers of claret and mulled port with the provosts and other
+local worthies, although they were due in Court that same morning at
+nine to try some miserable creature for a serious crime. Lord Pitmilly
+had no stomach for such proceedings, his inclination was stronger for
+decorum and law than for revelling. Once at a Circuit town he ordered
+his servant to bring to his room a kettle of hot water. Lord Hermand on
+his way to dinner at midnight, meeting the servant, said, "God bless
+me, is he going to make a whole kettle of punch--and before supper
+too?"--"No, my lord, he's going to bed, but he wants to bathe his
+feet."--"Feet, sir! what ails his feet? Tell him to put some rum among
+it, and to give it all to his stomach."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Circuit sermon was an important part of the duties to which the
+judges had to attend in the course of their visits in the country. One
+of these that Lord Cockburn had to listen to was delivered from the
+text, "What are these that are arrayed in white robes, and whence came
+they?" There was nothing personal intended, but the ermine on the judges
+gowns naturally attracted significant glances from the other members of
+the congregation. A Glasgow clergyman and friend of the judge, not
+knowing that his lordship was present in his church, preached from the
+text, "There was in a city a judge which feared not God, neither
+regarded man." The announcement of the text directed all eyes towards
+the learned judge, which attracting the preacher's attention nearly
+prevented him from proceeding further with the service. The judge was
+the pious Lord Moncreiff, the son of the Rev. Sir Henry Wellwood
+Moncreiff, and the text stuck to him ever afterwards. But there seemed
+to have been deliberation in selection of the text made by a
+south-country minister who, before Lord Justice Boyle and Samuel
+M'Cormick, Advocate-Depute, preached from I Samuel vii. 16, "And Samuel
+went from year to year in circuit to Bethel, and Gilgal, and Mizpeh."
+The two legal gentlemen took offence at this audacious attempt to
+ridicule the Court, they identifying the places mentioned in the text as
+representing their circuit towns of Jedburgh, Dumfries, and Ayr. In this
+connection maybe told the story of Lord Hermand, beside whom stood the
+clergyman whose duty it was to offer up the opening prayer before the
+work of the Court began. He seemed to think the company had assembled
+for no other purpose than to hear him perform, and after praying loud
+and long his lordship's patience gave way, and with a decided jog of his
+elbow he exclaimed in a stage whisper, "We've a lot of business to do,
+sir."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a somewhat rare volume printed for private circulation we are
+permitted to quote the following ballad, the authorship of which may be
+easily guessed, as the circuiteer who mourns the loss of his Circuit
+days may be as easily identified.
+
+    THE EX-CIRCUITEER'S LAMENT
+
+      Ae morning at the dawning
+      I saw a Counsel yawning,
+    And heard him say, in accents that were anything but gay,
+      As sadly he was grinding
+      At a meikle multiplepoinding,--
+    The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.
+
+      Nae banter frae Lord Deas,
+      Nae promises o' fees
+    That never will be paid afore the judgment-day,
+      Nae lies dubbed "information,"
+      From the worst rogues in the nation,--
+    The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.
+
+      Nae haveral wutty witness,
+      Displaying his unfitness,
+    Tae see some sma' distinction 'tween a trial and a play,
+      Nae witness primed at lunch
+      Wi' perjuries and punch,--
+    The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.
+
+      Nae laughing-gas orations,
+      Nae treading on the patience
+    Of Judges and of Juries, who will let you say your say,
+      Yet pay but sma' attention
+      To the gems of your invention,--
+    The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.
+
+      Nae mair delightful wondering
+      At a new man blandly blundering,
+    Nae kind hints from the Court that he's gangin far astray,
+      Nae flowery depictions
+      In the teeth of ten convictions,--
+    The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.
+
+      Nae whacking ten years' sentence,
+      Wi' advices o' repentance,
+    And learn in years of leisure to admire the "law's delay."
+      Nae fell female fury,
+      Blackguarding Judge and Jury,--
+    The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.
+
+      Nay grey auld woman sobbing,
+      Nae mair you'll catch her robbing,
+    And a' the Christian virtues henceforth she will display,
+      If the Judge will but have mercy
+      (For the sixteenth time I daresay),--
+    The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.
+
+      Nae processions, nae pageants,
+      Nae pawky country agents,
+    Nae macers, nae trumpeters, wi' tipsy blare and bray,
+      Nae Councillors or Bailie,
+      Or Provost smiling gaily,--
+    The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.
+
+      Nae funny cross-examining,
+      Nae jurymen begammoning,
+    Nae laughter from the audience, nae gallery's hurrah,
+      Nae fleeching for acquittal,
+      Though you don't care a spittle,--
+    The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.
+
+      Nae playing _hocus-pocus_
+      With the _tempus_ and the _locus_,
+    Nae pleas in mitigation (a kittle job are they),
+      Nae bonny rapes and reivings,
+      Nae forgeries and thievings,--
+    The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.
+
+      Nae dinners wi' the Judges,
+      Nae drooning a' your grudges
+    In deep, deep draughts o' claret, and a' your senses tae,
+      Nae chatter wise or witty
+      On ticklish points o' dittay,--
+    The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.
+
+      Nae high-jinks after dinner
+      Wi' ony madcap sinner,
+    Nae drinking whisky-toddy until the break o' day,
+      Nae speeches till a hiccup
+      Compels a sudden stick-up,--
+    The nichts o' my Circuits are a' fled away.
+
+Lord Hermand's manner on the Bench conveyed the impression that he was
+of an impatient, almost savage temper, but in his domestic circle he was
+one of the warmest-hearted of men, and one with the simplest of tastes.
+His outbursts on the Bench, too, were emphasised by what, in Scotland,
+was called "Birr"--the emphatic energy of his pronunciation--which may
+be imagined but cannot be transcribed in the following dialogue between
+him and Lord Meadowbank.
+
+Meadowbank: "We are bound to give judgment in terms of the statute, my
+lords."
+
+Hermand: "A statute! What's a statute? Words--mere words. And am _I_ to
+be tied down by words? No, my laards; I go by the law of right reason."
+
+He was a great friend of John Scott (Lord Eldon). In a case appealed to
+the House of Lords, Scott had taken the trouble to write out his speech,
+and read it over to Hermand, inviting his opinion of it. "It is
+delightful--absolutely delightful. I could listen to it for ever," said
+Hermand. "It is so beautifully written, and so beautifully read. But,
+sir, it's the greatest nonsense! It may do very well for an English
+Chancellor, but it would disgrace a clerk with us." The blunder that
+drew forth this criticism was a gross one for a Scottish lawyer, but one
+an English barrister might readily fall into.
+
+It was put forward in mitigation of the crime that the prisoner was in
+liquor when, either rashly or accidentally, he stabbed his friend. While
+the other judges were in favour of a short sentence, Lord Hermand--who
+had no sympathy with a man who could not carry his liquor--was vehement
+for transportation: "We are told that there was no malice, and that the
+prisoner must have been in liquor. In liquor! Why, he was drunk!... And
+yet he murdered the very man who had been drinking with him! Good God,
+my laards, if he will do this when he is drunk, what will he not do when
+he is sober?"
+
+On one of Lord Hermand's circuits a wag put a musical-box, which played
+"Jack Alive," on one of the seats of the Court. The music struck the
+audience with consternation, and the judge stared in the air, looking
+unutterable things, and frantically called out, "Macer, what in the name
+of God is that?" The macer looked round in vain, when the wag called
+out, "It's 'Jack Alive,' my lord."--"Dead or alive, put him out this
+moment," called out the judge. "We can't grip him, my lord."--"If he has
+the art of hell, let every man assist to arraign him before me, that I
+may commit him for this outrage and contempt." Everybody tried to
+discover the offender, and fortunately the music ceased. But it began
+again half an hour afterwards, and the judge exclaimed, "Is he there
+again? By all that's sacred, he shall not escape me this time--fence,
+bolt, bar the doors of the Court, and at your peril let not a man,
+living or dead, escape." All was bustle and confusion, the officers
+looked east and west, and up in the air and down on the floor; but the
+search was in vain. The judge at last began to suspect witchcraft, and
+exclaimed, "This is a _deceptio auris_--it is absolute delusion,
+necromancy, phantasmagoria." And to the day of his death the judge never
+understood the precise origin of this unwonted visitation.
+
+On another occasion, in his own Court in the Parliament House, he was
+annoyed by a noise near the door, and called to the macer, "What is that
+noise?"--"It's a man, my lord."--"What does he want?"--"He _wants in_,
+my lord."--"Keep him out!" The man, it seems, did get in, and soon
+afterwards a like noise was renewed, and his lordship again demanded,
+"What's the noise there?"--"It's the same man, my lord."--"What does he
+want now?"--"He _wants out_, my lord."--"Then _keep him in_--I say,
+_keep him in_!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Lord President Campbell, after the fashion of those times, was somewhat
+addicted to browbeating young counsel; and as bearding a judge on the
+Bench is not a likely way to rise in favour, his lordship generally got
+it all his own way. Upon one occasion, however, he caught a tartar. His
+lordship had what are termed pig's eyes, and his voice was thin and
+weak. Corbet, a bold and sarcastic counsel in his younger days, had been
+pleading before the Inner House, and as usual the President commenced
+his attack, when his intended victim thus addressed him: "My lord, it is
+not for me to enter into any altercation with your lordship, for no one
+knows better than I do the great difference between us; you occupy the
+highest place on the Bench, and I the lowest at the Bar; and then, my
+lord, I have not your lordship's voice of thunder--I have not your
+lordship's rolling eye of command."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ROBERT MACQUEEN, LORD BRAXFIELD.]
+
+Robert Macqueen (Lord Braxfield), the prototype of Stevenson's "Weir of
+Hermiston," was known as the "hanging judge"--the Judge Jeffreys of
+Scotland; but he was a sound judge. He argued a point in a colloquial
+style, asking a question, and himself supplying the answer in his clear,
+abrupt manner. But he was illiterate, and without the least desire for
+refined enjoyment, holding in disdain natures less coarse than his own;
+he shocked the feelings of those even of an age which had less decorum
+than prevailed in that which succeeded, and would not be tolerated by
+the working classes of to-day. Playing whist with a lady, he exclaimed,
+"What are ye doin', ye damned auld ...," and then recollecting himself,
+"Your pardon's begged, madam; I took ye for my wife." When his butler
+gave up his place because his lordship's wife was always scolding him:
+"Lord," he exclaimed, "ye've little to complain o'; ye may be thankfu'
+ye're no mairred to her."
+
+His most notorious sayings from the Bench were uttered during the trials
+for sedition towards the end of the eighteenth century, and even some of
+these are too coarse for repetition. "Ye're a very clever chiel," he
+said to one of the prisoners; "but ye wad be nane the waur o' a
+hangin'." And to a juror arriving late in Court he said, "Come awa,
+Maister Horner, come awa and help us to hang ane o' they damned
+scoondrels." Hanging was his term for all kinds of punishment.
+
+To Margarot, a Baptist minister of Dundee--another of the political
+prisoners of that time--he said, "Hae ye ony coonsel, man?"--"No,"
+replied Margarot. "Dae ye want tae hae ony appointed?" continued the
+Justice-Clerk. "No," replied the prisoner, "I only want an interpreter
+to make me understand what your lordship says."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We have already referred to Lord Moncreiff's piety, and to it must be
+added his great simplicity of nature. Like many of his predecessors, he
+had a habit of making long speeches to prisoners on their conviction;
+but his intention was to help them to a better mode of life, not to
+aggravate their feelings by silly or coarse remarks. This habit,
+however, led him occasionally into enunciating principles which rather
+astonished his friends. In a murder case he found that the woman killed
+was not the wife of the prisoner but his mistress, which led his
+lordship to explain to the prisoner that it might have been some apology
+for his crime had the woman been his wife, because there was difficulty
+in getting rid of her any other way. But the victim being only his
+associate he could have left her at any time, and consequently there
+were absolutely no ameliorating circumstances in the case. From this
+point of view it would seem to have been (in Lord Moncreiff's eyes) less
+criminal to murder a wife than a mistress. In another, a bigamy case,
+after referring to the perfidy and cruelty to the women and their
+relations, Lord Cockburn reports him to have said: "All this is bad; but
+your true iniquity consists in this, that you degraded that holy
+ceremony which our blessed Saviour _condescended_ to select as the type
+of the connection between him and His redeemed Church."
+
+In the Court of Session, the judges who do not attend or give a proper
+excuse for their absence are (or were) liable to a fine. This,
+however, is never enforced: but it is customary on the first day of the
+session for the absentee to send an excuse to the Lord President. Lord
+Stonefield having sent an excuse, and the Lord President mentioning that
+he had done so, the Lord Justice-Clerk said: "What excuse can a stout
+fellow like him hae?"--"My lord," said the President, "he has lost his
+wife." To which the Justice-Clerk replied: "Has he? That is a gude
+excuse indeed, I wish we had a' the same."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Lord Cockburn's looks, tones, language, and manner were always such as
+to make one think that he believed every word he said. On one occasion,
+before he was raised to the Bench, when defending a murderer, although
+he failed to convince the judge and jurymen of the innocence of his
+client, yet he convinced the murderer himself that he was innocent.
+Sentence of death was pronounced, and the day of execution fixed for the
+3rd of March. As Lord Cockburn was passing the condemned man, the latter
+seized him by the gown, saying: "I have not got justice!" To this the
+advocate coolly replied: "Perhaps not; but you'll get it on the 3rd of
+March."
+
+Cockburn's racy humour displayed itself in another serious case; one in
+which a farm-servant was charged with maiming his master's cattle by
+cutting off their tails. A consultation was held on the question of the
+man's mental condition at which the farmer was present, and at the close
+of it some conversation took place about the disposal of the cattle.
+Turning to the farmer Cockburn said that they might be sold, but that he
+would have to dispose of them wholesale for he could not now _retail_
+them.
+
+He was walking on the hillside on his estate of Bonaly, near Edinburgh,
+talking to his shepherd, and speculating about the reasons why his sheep
+lay on what seemed to be the least sheltered and coldest situation on
+the hill. Said his lordship: "John, if I were a sheep I would lie on the
+other side of the hill." The shepherd answered: "Ay, my lord; but if ye
+had been a sheep ye would have had mair sense."
+
+Sitting long after the usual hour listening to a prosy counsel, Lord
+Cockburn was commiserated by a friend as they left the Court together
+with the remark: "Counsel has encroached very much on your time, my
+lord."--"Time, time," exclaimed his lordship; "he has exhausted time and
+encroached on eternity."
+
+When a young advocate, Cockburn was a frequent visitor at Niddrie
+Marischal, near Edinburgh, the residence of Mr. Wauchope. This gentleman
+was very particular about church-going, but one Sunday he stayed at home
+and his young guest started for the parish church accompanied by one of
+his host's handsomest daughters. On their way they passed through the
+garden, and were so beguiled by the gooseberry bushes that the time
+slipped away and they found themselves too late for the service. At
+dinner the laird inquired of his daughter what the text was, and when
+she failed to tell him he put the question to Cockburn, who at once
+replied: "The woman whom thou gavest to be with me she gave me of the
+fruit and I did eat."
+
+Jeffrey and Cockburn were counsel together in a case in which it was
+sought to prove that the heir of an estate was of low capacity, and
+therefore incapable of administrating his affairs. Jeffrey had vainly
+attempted to make a country witness understand his meaning as he spoke
+of the mental imbecility and impaired intellect of the party. Cockburn
+rose to his relief, and was successful at once. "D'ye ken young Sandy
+----?"--"Brawly," said the witness; "I've kent him sin' he was a
+laddie."--"An' is there onything in the cratur, d'ye think?"--"Deed,"
+responded the witness, "there's naething in him ava; he wadna ken a coo
+frae a cauf!"
+
+When addressing the jury in a case in which an officer of the army was a
+witness, Jeffrey frequently referred to him as "this soldier." The
+witness, who was in Court, bore this for a time, but at last,
+exasperated, exclaimed, "I am not a soldier, I'm an officer!"--"Well,
+gentlemen of the jury," proceeded Jeffrey, "this officer, who on his own
+statement is no soldier," &c.
+
+Patrick, Lord Robertson, one of the senators of the College of Justice,
+was a great humorist. He was on terms of intimacy with the late Mr.
+Alexander Douglas, W.S., who, on account of the untidiness of his
+person, was known by the sobriquet of "Dirty Douglas." Lord Robertson
+invited his friend to accompany him to a ball. "I would go," said Mr.
+Douglas, "but I don't care about my friends knowing that I attend
+balls."--"Why, Douglas," replied the senator, "put on a well-brushed
+coat and a clean shirt, and nobody will know you." When at the Bar,
+Robertson was frequently entrusted with cases by Mr. Douglas. Handing
+his learned friend a fee in Scottish notes, Mr. Douglas remarked: "These
+notes, Robertson, are, like myself, getting old."--"Yes, they're both
+old and dirty, Douglas," rejoined Robertson.
+
+When Robertson was attending an appeal case in the House of Lords he
+received great attention from Lord Brougham. This gave rise to a report
+in the Parliament House of Edinburgh that the popular Tory advocate had
+"ratted" to the Liberal side in politics, which found expression in the
+following _jeu d'esprit_:
+
+    "When Brougham by Robertson was told
+    He'd condescend a place to hold,
+    The Chancellor said, with wondering eyes,
+    Viewing the _Rat's_ tremendous size,
+    'That you a place would hold is true,
+    But where's the place that would hold you?'"
+
+Lord Rutherford when at the Bar put an illustration to the Bench in
+connection with a church case. "Suppose the Justiciary Court condemned a
+man to be hanged, however unjustly, could that man come into this Court
+of Session and ask your lordships to interfere?" and he turned round
+very majestically to Robertson opposing him. "Oh, my lords," said
+Robertson, "a case of suspension, clearly."
+
+When a sheriff, Rutherford, dining with a number of members of the legal
+profession, had to reply to the toast, "The Bench of Scotland." In
+illustration of a trite remark that all litigants could not be expected
+to have the highest regard for the judges who have tried their cases, he
+told the following story: A worthy but unfortunate south-country farmer
+had fought his case in the teeth of adverse decisions in the Lower
+Courts to the bitter end in one of the divisions of the Court of
+Session. After the decision of this tribunal affirming the judgment he
+had appealed against, and thus finally blasting his fondest hopes, he
+was heard to mutter as he left the Court: "They ca' themselves senators
+o' the College o' Justice, but it's ma opeenion they're a' the waur o'
+drink!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It was only a small point of law, but the two counsel were hammering at
+each other tooth and nail. They had been submitting this and that to his
+lordship for twenty minutes, and growing more and more heated as they
+argued. At last: "You're an ass, sir!" shrieked one. "And you're a liar,
+sir!" roared the other. Then the judge woke up. "Now that counsel have
+identified each other," said he, "let us proceed to the disputed
+points."
+
+A recent eminent judge of the Scottish Bench when sitting to an artist
+for his portrait was asked what he thought of the likeness. His
+lordship's reply was that he thought it good enough, but he would have
+liked "to see a little more dislike to Gladstone's Irish Bills in the
+expression."
+
+Lord Shand's shortness of stature has been a theme of several stories.
+When he left Edinburgh after sitting as a judge of the Court of Session
+for eighteen years, one of his colleagues suggested that a statue ought
+to be erected to him. "Or shall we say a statuette?" was the remark of
+another friend. His lordship lived at Newhailes--the property of one of
+the Dalrymple family, several members of which were eminent judges in
+the late seventeenth and the early eighteenth centuries--and travelled
+to town by rail. The guard was a pawky Aberdonian, and had evidently
+been greatly struck by Lord Shand's appearance, for his customary
+salutation to him, delivered no doubt in a parental and patronising
+fashion, was: "And fu (how) are ye the day, ma lordie?" His lordship's
+manner of receiving this greeting is not recorded. Still another
+anecdote on the same subject is that when still an advocate, it was
+proposed to make Mr. Shand a Judge of Assize. On the proposal being
+mentioned to a colleague famous for his caustic wit, the latter with a
+good-humoured sneer which raised a hearty laugh at the expense of his
+genial friend, remarked: "Ah, a judge of a size, indeed."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: GEORGE YOUNG, LORD YOUNG.]
+
+Lord Young's wit was of this caustic turn and not infrequently was
+intended to sting the person to whom it was addressed. An advocate was
+wending his weary way through a case one day, and in the course of
+making a point he referred to a witness who had deponed that he had seen
+two different things at one time and consequently contradicted himself.
+Lord Young gave vent to the feelings of his colleagues in the Second
+Division of the Court, when he interrupted thus:
+
+"Oh, Mr. B----, I can see more than two things at one time. I can see
+your paper, and beyond your paper I can see you, and beyond you I can
+see the clock, and I can see that you have been labouring for an hour
+over a point that is capable of being expressed in a sentence."
+
+In the course of an argument in the same division, counsel had occasion
+to refer to "Fraser" (a brother judge) "on Husband and Wife." Lord
+Young, interrupting, asked: 'Hasn't Fraser another book?'--'Yes, my
+lord, 'Master and Servant!''--'Well,' said Lord Young, 'isn't that the
+same thing?'
+
+Owing to a vacancy on the Bench having been kept open for a long period,
+Lord Young's roll had become very heavy. Hearing that a new colleague
+had been appointed, and like the late judge had adopted a title ending
+in "hill," he gratefully quoted the lines of the one hundred and
+twenty-first psalm:
+
+    "I to the hills will lift mine eyes,
+    From whence doth come mine aid."
+
+Before the same judge, two prominent advocates in their day were
+debating a case. One of them was a particularly well-known figure, the
+feature of whose pinafore, if he wore one, would be its extensive girth.
+The other advocate, who happened to be rather slim, was addressing his
+lordship: "My learned friend and I are particularly at one upon this
+point. I may say, my lord, that we are virtually in the same boat." Here
+his opponent broke in: "No, no, my lord, we are nothing of the kind. I
+do not agree with that." Lord Young, leaning across the bench, remarked:
+"No, I suppose you would need a whole boat to yourself."
+
+It is also attributed to Lord Young that, when Mr. Baird of Cambusdoon
+bequeathed a large sum of money to the Church of Scotland to found the
+lectureship delivered under the auspices of the Baird Trust, he
+remarked that it was the highest fire insurance premium he had ever
+heard of. "Possibly, my lord," observed a fire insurance manager who
+heard the remark; "but you will admit that cases occur where the premium
+scarcely covers the risk."
+
+Lord Guthrie tells that when, as an advocate, he was engaged in a case
+before Lord Young, he mentioned that his client was a Free Church
+minister. "Well," said Lord Young, "that may be, but for all that he may
+perhaps be quite a respectable man."
+
+And there is the story that when Mr. Young was Lord Advocate for
+Scotland a vacancy occurred on the Bench and two names were mentioned in
+connection with it. One was that of Mr. Horne, Dean of Faculty, a very
+tall man, and the other Lord Shand. "So, Mr. Young," said a friend,
+"you'll be going to appoint Horne?"--"I doubt if I will get his length,"
+was the reply. "Oh, then," queried the friend, "you'll be going to
+appoint Shand?"--"It's the least I could do," answered the witty Lord
+Advocate.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"What is your occupation?" asked Lord Ardwall of a witness in a case. "A
+miner, sir."--"Good; and how old are you?"--"Twenty, sir."--"Ah, then
+you are a minor in more senses than one." Whereat, no doubt, the Court
+laughed. "Now, my lord, we come to the question of commission received
+by the witness, which I was forgetting," said a counsel before the same
+judge one day. "Ah, don't commit the omission of omitting the
+commission," replied his lordship.
+
+An unfortunate miner had been hit on the head by a lump of coal, and the
+judges of the First Division of the Court of Session were considering
+whether his case raised a question of law or of fact. "The only law I
+can see in the matter," said Lord Maclaren, "is the law of gravitation."
+
+In a fishing case heard in the Court of Session some years ago, a good
+deal of evidence was led on the subject of taking immature salmon from a
+river in the north. The case was an important one, and the evidence was
+taken down in shorthand notes and printed for the use of the judge and
+counsel next day. The evidence of one of the witnesses with respect to
+certain of the salmon taken was that "some of them were kelts." When his
+lordship turned over the pages of the printed evidence next morning to
+refresh his memory, he was astonished to find it stated by one of the
+witnesses in regard to the salmon that "some of them wore kilts."
+
+Many other stories, particularly of the older judges, might be given,
+were they not too well known. We may therefore close this chapter with
+the following epigram by a Scottish writer, which is decidedly pointed
+and clever, and has the additional merit of being self-explanatory:
+
+    "He was a burglar stout and strong,
+    Who held, 'It surely can't be wrong,
+    To open trunks and rifle shelves,
+    For God helps those who help themselves.'
+    But when before the Court he came,
+    And boldly rose to plead the same,
+    The judge replied--'That's very true;
+    You've helped yourself--_now God help you!_'"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER SIX
+
+THE ADVOCATES OF SCOTLAND
+
+
+    "Ye lawyers who live upon litigants' fees,
+    And who need a good many to live at your ease,
+    Grave or gay, wise or witty, whate'er your degree,
+    Plain stuff, or Queen's Counsel, take counsel from me,
+    When a festive occasion your spirit unbends,
+    You should never forget the profession's best friends;
+    So we'll send round the wine and a bright bumper fill
+    To the jolly Testator who makes his own will."
+
+    NEAVES: _Songs and Verses_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER SIX
+
+THE ADVOCATES OF SCOTLAND
+
+
+Since days when Sir Walter Scott gathered round him at the fireplace in
+the Parliament Hall of Edinburgh a company of young brother advocates to
+hear the latest of Lord Eskgrove's eccentric sayings from the Bench,
+that rendezvous has been the favourite resort for story-telling among
+succeeding generations of counsel. While the Court is in session, they
+vary their daily walk up and down the hall by lounging round the spot
+where the future Wizard of the North proved a strong counter-attraction
+to many an interesting case being argued before a Lord Ordinary in the
+alcoves on the opposite side of the hall, which was then the "Outer
+House." It is even asserted that this same fireplace is the hatchery of
+many of the amusing paragraphs daily appearing in a column of a certain
+Edinburgh newspaper. But of all the witticisms that have enlivened the
+dull hours of the briefless barrister in that historic hall during the
+past century, none will stand the test of time or be read with so much
+pleasure as those of that prince of wits, the Hon. Henry Erskine.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE HON. HENRY ERSKINE, LORD ADVOCATE AND DEAN OF FACULTY
+OF ADVOCATES.]
+
+Hairry, as he was familiarly called both by judge and counsel, was in an
+eminent degree the "advocate of the people." It is said that a poor man
+in a remote district of Scotland thus answered an acquaintance who
+wished to dissuade him from "going to law" with a wealthy neighbour, by
+representing the hopelessness of being able to meet the expenses of
+litigation. "Ye dinna ken what ye're saying, maister," replied the
+litigious northerner; "there's no' a puir man in a' Scotland need want a
+freen' or fear a foe, sae lang as Hairry Erskine lives."
+
+When the autocratic reign of Henry Dundas as Lord Advocate was for a
+time eclipsed, Henry Erskine was his successor in the Whig interest. In
+his good-humoured way Dundas proposed to lend Erskine his embroidered
+gown, suggesting that it would not be long before he (Dundas) would
+again be in office. "Thank you," said Hairry, "I am well aware it is
+made to suit any party, but it will never be said of me that I assumed
+the abandoned habits of my predecessor."
+
+Having been speaking in the Outer House at the Bar of Lord Swinton, a
+very good, but a very slow and deaf judge, Erskine was called away to
+Lord Braxfield's Court. On appearing his lordship said: "Well, Dean" (he
+was then Dean of the Faculty of Advocates), "what is this you've been
+talking so loudly about to my Lord Swinton?"--"About a cask of whisky,
+my lord, but I found it no easy matter to make it run in his lordship's
+head."
+
+He was once defending a client, a lady of the name of Tickell, before
+one of the judges who was an intimate friend, and he opened his
+address to his lordship in these terms: "Tickell, my client, my lord."
+But the judge was equal to the occasion and interrupted him by saying:
+"Tickle her yourself, Harry, you're as able to do it as I am."
+
+Lord Balmuto was a ponderous judge and not very "gleg in the uptak" (did
+not readily see a point), and retained the utmost gravity while the
+whole Court was convulsed with laughter at some joke of the witty Dean.
+Hours later, when another case was being heard, the judge would suddenly
+exclaim: "Eh, Maister Hairry, a' hae ye noo, a' hae ye noo, vera guid,
+vera guid."
+
+Hugo Arnot, a brother advocate, a tall, cadaverous-looking man, who
+suffered from asthma, was one day munching a speldin (a sun-dried
+whiting or small haddock, a favourite article supplied at that time, and
+till a generation ago, by certain Edinburgh shops). Erskine coming up to
+Arnot, the latter explained that he was having his lunch. "So I see,"
+said Harry, "and you're very like your meat." On another occasion these
+two worthies were discussing future punishment for errors of the flesh,
+Arnot taking a liberal, and Erskine a strongly Calvinist view. As they
+were parting Erskine said to Arnot, referring to his spare figure:
+
+    "For ---- and blasphemy by the mercy of heaven
+    To flesh and to blood much may be forgiven,
+    But I've searched all the Scriptures and text I find none
+    That the same is extended to skin and to bone."
+
+Erskine's brother, the extremely eccentric Lord Buchan, who thought
+himself as great a jester as his two younger brothers, the Lord
+Chancellor of England and the Dean of Faculty of Advocates, one day
+putting his head below the lock of a door, exclaimed: "See, Harry,
+here's Locke on the Human Understanding."--"Rather a poor edition, my
+lord," replied the younger brother.
+
+Sir James Colquhoun, Baronet of Luss, Principal Clerk of Session,
+towards the close of the eighteenth century was one of the odd
+characters of his time, and was made the butt of all the wags of the
+Parliament House. On one occasion, whilst Henry Erskine was in the Court
+in which Sir James was on duty, he amused himself by making faces at the
+Principal Clerk, who was greatly annoyed at the strange conduct of the
+tormenting lawyer. Unable to bear it longer, he disturbed the gravity of
+the Court by rising from the table at which he sat and exclaiming, "My
+lord, my lord, I wish you would speak to Harry, he's aye making faces at
+me." Harry, however, looked as grave as a judge and the work of the
+Court proceeded, until Sir James, looking again towards the bar,
+witnessed a new grimace from his tormentor, and convulsed Bench, Bar,
+and audience by roaring out: "There, there, my lord, see he's at it
+again."
+
+Hugo Arnot's eccentricity took various forms. In his house in South St.
+Andrew Street, in the new town of Edinburgh, he greatly annoyed a lady
+who lived in the same tenement by the violence with which he kept
+ringing his bell for his servant. The lady complained; but what was her
+horror next day to hear several pistol-shots fired in the house, which
+was Arnot's new method of demanding his valet's immediate attendance.
+
+In his professional capacity, however, he was guided by a high sense of
+honour and of moral obligation. In a case submitted for his
+consideration, which seemed to him to possess neither of these
+qualifications, he with a very grave face said to his client: "Pray what
+do you suppose me to be?"--"Why, sir," answered the client, "I
+understood you to be a lawyer."--"I thought, sir," replied Arnot, "you
+took me for a scoundrel." On another occasion he was consulted by a
+lady, not remarkable either for youth or beauty or for good temper, as
+to the best method of getting rid of the importunities of a rejected
+admirer. After having told her story and claiming a relationship with
+him because her own name was Arnot, she wound up with: "Ye maun advise
+me what I ought to do with this impertinent fellow."--"Oh, marry him by
+all means, it's the only way to get quit of his importunities," was
+Arnot's advice. "I would see him hanged first," retorted the lady.
+"Nay, madam," rejoined Arnot, "marry him directly as I said before, and
+by the Lord Harry he'll soon hang himself."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Of the convivial habits of the Bar as well as the Bench in Scotland at
+this period many stories are told. The Second Lord President Dundas once
+refused to listen to counsel who obviously showed signs of having come
+into Court fresh from a tavern debauch. The check given by the President
+appeared to effect some sobering of the counsel's faculties and he
+immediately addressed his lordship upon the dignity of the Faculty of
+Advocates, winding up a long harangue with: "It is our duty and our
+privilege to speak, my lord, and it is your duty and your privilege to
+hear."
+
+Another counsel in a similar condition of haziness hurriedly entered the
+Court and took up the case in which he was engaged; but forgetting for
+which side he had been fee'd, to the unutterable amazement of the agent,
+delivered a long and fervent speech in the teeth of the interests he had
+been expected to support. When at last the agent made him understand the
+mistake he had made, he with infinite composure resumed his oration by
+saying: "Such, my lord, is the statement you will probably hear from my
+brother on the opposite side of the case. I shall now show your lordship
+how utterly untenable are the principles and how distorted are the
+facts upon which this very specious statement has proceeded." And so he
+went over the same ground and most angelically refuted himself from the
+beginning of his former pleading to the end.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ANDREW CROSBIE, ADVOCATE, "Pleydell."]
+
+When a barrister, pleading before Lord Mansfield, pronounced a Latin
+word with a false quantity his lordship rarely let the opportunity pass
+without exhibiting his own precise knowledge of that language. "My
+lords," said the Scottish advocate, Crosbie, at the bar of the House of
+Lords, "I have the honour to appear before your lordships as counsel for
+the Curătors."--"Ugh," groaned the Westminster-Oxford law lord,
+softening his reproof by an allusion to his Scottish nationality,
+"Curātors, Mr. Crosbie, Curātors: I wish _our_ countrymen would
+pay a little more attention to prosody."--"My lord," replied Mr.
+Crosbie, with delightful readiness and composure, "I can assure you that
+_our_ countrymen are very proud of your lordship as the greatest
+senātor and orātor of the present age."
+
+A very young Scottish advocate, afterwards an eminent judge on the
+Scottish Bench, pleading before the House of Lords, ventured to
+challenge some early judgments of that House, on which he was abruptly
+asked by Lord Brougham: "Do you mean, sir, to call in question the
+solemn decisions of this venerable tribunal?"--"Yes, my lord," coolly
+replied the young counsel, "there are some people in Scotland who are
+bold enough to dispute the soundness of some of your lordship's _own_
+decisions."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Sheriff Logan, when pleading before Lord Cunningham in a case which
+involved numerous points of form, on some of which he ventured to
+express an opinion, was repeatedly interrupted by old Beveridge, the
+judge's clerk--a great authority on matters of form--who unfortunately
+possessed a very large nasal organ, which literally overhung his mouth.
+"No, no," said the clerk, as the sheriff was quietly explaining the
+practice in certain cases. On which Logan, somewhat nettled at the blunt
+interruption, coolly replied: "But, my lord, I say: 'Yes, yes, yes,' in
+spite of Mr. Beveridge's _noes_."
+
+In the days of Sheriff Harper, Mr. Richard Lees, solicitor, Galashiels,
+was engaged in a case for a client who was not overburdened with the
+necessary funds for legal proceedings. However, he was thought good
+enough for the expenses in the case. The action went against Mr. Lees'
+client, and then Mr. Lees rose to plead for modified expenses. But the
+client leant across to speak to the lawyer and said in a hoarse whisper
+audible over the Court: "Dinna stent (limit) yoursels for the expenses
+for a haena a fardin'." This was too much even for the gravity of the
+Bench.
+
+Not many years ago, in the High Court at Glasgow, a case was heard
+before an eminent judge still on the Scottish Bench, in which the
+accused had committed a very serious assault and robbery. He was unable
+to engage counsel for his defence, and the usual course was adopted of
+putting his case in the hands of "counsel for the poor." There was
+really no defence; but the young advocate who undertook the task had to
+make the best of it, and the plea he put forward was that the accused
+was so drunk at the time he did not know what he was doing. It was the
+best thing he could do in the circumstances, as all the success he could
+expect to make with a well-known felon was a mitigation of the sentence.
+When it came to his time to address the Court, he set out in the
+following fashion: "My lord and gentlemen of the jury, you all know what
+it is to be drunk."
+
+It is most important to be exact in stating the times of the movements
+of a person accused of murder. In a recent case this point was very
+minutely examined by an advocate in the Scottish Court. One witness
+deponed that she saw the accused in a certain place at 5.40 P.M. "Are
+you sure," asked the learned counsel in a tone calculated to make a
+witness not quite sure after all, "are you sure it was not twenty
+minutes to six?" And then he seemed surprised at the laughter his
+question had raised.
+
+When Mr. Ludovick Mair, who was a very short man, was Sheriff-Substitute
+of Lanarkshire, he was called upon, at an Ayrshire Burns Club dinner, to
+propose the toast of the "Ayrshire Lasses." After alluding to the honour
+that had been conferred upon him, happily said that "Provided his fair
+clients were prepared to be 'contented wi' little and canty wi' mair,'
+he had no compunction in performing the agreeable duty."
+
+In the Glasgow Small Debt Court where the sheriff frequently presided, a
+young lawyer's exhaustive eloquence in striving to prove that his client
+was not due the sum sued for, drew from his lordship the following
+interruption: "Excuse me, sir, but throughout the conflict and turmoil
+engendered by this desperate dispute with the pursuer I presume the
+British Empire is not in any danger?"--"No, my lord," came the reply,
+"but I fear after that interrogation from your lordship my client's case
+is?"
+
+On one occasion the sheriff, becoming impatient with an agent's
+protracted speech, rebuked him thus: "Be brief, be brief, my dear sir;
+time is short and eternity is long!" And again on being asked by an
+agent not to allow a witty old Irishman to act as the spokesman of "the
+defendant" on the ground that the Irishman was not now in the
+defendant's employment, the sheriff sternly said to the would-be
+witness: "Now, answer me truthfully, mirthful Michael, are you or are
+you not in the defendant's employment?"--"Well, my lord of lords," was
+the reply, "that is to say, in the learned phraseology of the law, _pro
+tem_ I am and _ultimo_ and _proximo_ I amn't."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Two stories are told of the late Sheriff Balfour. His lordship was
+addressing a prisoner at unusual length, when he was interrupted more
+than once by a _sotto voce_ observation from his then clerk, who was
+very impatient when the luncheon hour drew near. Accustomed to this
+interruption, the sheriff, as a rule, took no notice of them. On this
+occasion, however, he threw down his quill with a show of annoyance,
+leaned back in his chair, and addressed the interrupter thus: "I say,
+Mr. ----, are you, or am I, sheriff here?" Promptly came the unabashed
+reply: "You, of course; but your lordship knows that this woman has been
+frequently here," meaning that it was idle to address words of counsel
+to the prisoner. On another occasion, the sheriff was pulled up by a
+male prisoner, who took exception to his version of the story of the
+crime, and concluded: "So you see I've got your lordship there."--"Have
+you?" was the sheriff's rejoinder. "No, but I've got you--three months
+hard."
+
+A law agent was talking at length against an opinion which Sheriff
+Balfour had already indicated. Twice the sheriff essayed in vain to
+stay the torrent that was flowing uselessly past the mill. At last, in a
+more decided tone, he asked the agent to allow him just one word, after
+which he would engage not to interrupt him again. "Certainly, milord,"
+said the agent. "Decree," said the sheriff.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Counsel who are briefless and who spend much time in perambulating the
+floor of Parliament Hall should be as careful in their dress as their
+more fortunate neighbours who jostle each other in the lobbies as they
+rush from one Court to another. A company of Americans visiting the
+Courts one day made a casual inquiry of one of the advocates "in
+waiting," who politely offered to show them all that is to be seen. As
+they were leaving, one of the party caught hold of a passing solicitor
+and after apologising for stopping him inquired: "This--this--this
+gentleman has been very good in showing us over your beautiful place.
+Would it be correct to give him something?"--"Yes, certainly," said the
+busy practitioner, "and it will be the first fee he has earned, to my
+knowledge, for the last ten years."
+
+An advocate of the present day, in trying to induce the Second Division
+of the Court of Session to reverse a decision pronounced in Glasgow
+Sheriff Court somewhat startled the Bench by reminding them that their
+lordships were only mortal after all. "Are you quite sure of that?"
+asked the presiding judge. Counsel judiciously refrained from replying
+to this poser. The incident recalls an occasion in the Second Division
+when it was presided over by Lord Justice-Clerk Moncreiff. A junior
+counsel was debating a case in the division, and, apparently finding he
+was not making much headway, invited their lordships to imagine for the
+moment that they were navvies, and to look at the question from the
+point of view of the worker. In stately tones the Lord Justice-Clerk
+informed the audacious junior that his invitation was unsuited to the
+dignity of the Court.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A learned counsel at the Bar prided himself on the juvenility of his
+appearance, and boasted that he looked twenty years younger than he was.
+He was cross-examining a very prepossessing and uncommonly
+self-possessed young woman as to the age of a person whom she knew quite
+well, but could get no satisfactory answer. "Well," he persisted, "but
+surely you must have been able to make a good guess at his age, having
+seen him often."--"People don't always look their age."--"No, but you
+can surely form a good idea from their looks. Now, how old should you
+say I am?" "You might be sixty by your looks, but judging by the
+questions you ask I should say about sixteen!"
+
+Much amusement is afforded by the answers given by witnesses to judges
+and counsel. They form the theme of legions of stories, and we append a
+selection to this chapter of legal wit of the Bar.
+
+An Irishman before Lord Ardwall was giving evidence on the question
+whether having lived eleven years in Glasgow he was a domiciled
+Scotsman. He swore that he was, and as a question of succession depended
+upon the domicile the point was of importance. The opposing counsel
+thought he had him cornered when on the list of voters for an Irish
+constituency he found the witness's name. But Pat was equal to the
+occasion. "It's a safe sate," he said; "they never revise the lists,"
+and by way of clinching the argument, he added: "Shure there's men in
+Oireland who have been in their graves for twenty years who voted at the
+last election."
+
+Legal gentlemen sometimes resort to methods not quite in accordance with
+usual practice to elicit information from stubborn witnesses. In Glasgow
+Sheriff Court one day a somewhat long and involved question was
+addressed by the cross-examining agent to a witness who, from his stout
+build and imperturbable manner, looked the embodiment of Scottish
+caution. The witness, who was not to be so easily "had," having regarded
+his questioner with a steady gaze for the space of almost a minute, at
+last broke silence: "Would you mind, sir," said he, "just repeating
+that question, and splitting it into bits?" And after the Court had
+regained its composure the discomfited agent humbly proceeded to
+subdivide the question.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In the old days when Highlanders "kist oot" (quarrelled) they resorted
+to the claymore, but the hereditary fighting spirit appears nowadays in
+an appeal to the law. Perth Sheriff Courts witness many a "bout" between
+the stalwarts, who are not amiss to clash all round if need be. "You
+must have been in very questionable company at the show?" inquired a
+sheriff of a farmer. "Weel, ma lord--you wis the last gentleman I spoke
+to that day as I was coming oot!" was his reply.
+
+The pointed insinuation to another witness in a claim case at the same
+Court. "I think I have seen you here rather often of late," drew the
+reply, "Nae doot, if a'm no takin' onybody here--then it's them that's
+takin' me!"
+
+Quite recently an old farmer in Perthshire, who had been rather severely
+cross-examined by the opposing counsel, had his sweet revenge when the
+sheriff, commenting on the case, inquired: "There seems to be a great
+deal of dram-dramming at C---- on Tuesdays, I imagine?"--"Aye, whiles,"
+was the canny reply--and immediately following it up, as he pointed
+across at the rival lawyer, he continued--"an' that nicker ower there
+can tak' a bit dram wi' the best o' them!"
+
+A young advocate, as junior in a licensing club case, had to
+cross-examine the certifying Justice of the Peace who was very diffuse
+and rather evasive in his answers. "Speak a little more simply and to
+the point, please," said counsel mildly. "You are a little ambiguous,
+you know."--"I am not, sir," replied the witness indignantly; "I have
+been teetotal for a year."
+
+It is a fact well known to lawyers that it is a risky thing to call
+witnesses to character unless you know exactly beforehand what they are
+going to say. Here is an instance in point. "You say you have known the
+prisoner all your life?" said the counsel. "Yes, sir," was the reply.
+"Now," was the next question, "in your opinion is he a man who is likely
+to have been guilty of stealing this money?"--"Well," said the witness
+thoughtfully, "how much was it?"
+
+In a County Sheriff Court his lordship addressed a witness: "You said
+you drove a milk-cart, didn't you?" "No, sir, I didn't."--"Don't you
+drive a milk-cart?" "No, sir."--"Ah! then what do you do, sir?"--"I
+drive a horse."
+
+A well-known lawyer not now in practice, who had risen from humble
+parentage to be Procurator Fiscal of his county, once got a sharp retort
+from a witness in Court. It was a case of law-burrows--well known in
+Scotland--which requires a person to give security against doing
+violence to another. A lady had assaulted a priest who in the discharge
+of his duty had been visiting her husband--a member of his flock. The
+lady was herself a Protestant, and suspected the reverend gentleman of
+designs on her husband's property for behoof of his Church. The witness
+in the box was prepared on every point, and the following dialogue
+ensued--P.F.: "Who was your father?" Lady: "My father was a gentleman."
+P.F.: "Yes, but who was he?" Lady: "He was a good man and much
+respected, although he didn't make such a noise in the world as yours."
+The P.F.'s father had been the town crier.
+
+Perhaps it was to the same lawyer who asked the question of a labouring
+man: "Are you the husband of the previous witness?" and got the answer:
+"I dinna ken onything aboot the previous witness, but if it was Mrs.
+----, a'm her man."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The macer who calls the cases coming before the judges in Court was in
+older days an interesting personality. Lord Cockburn recalls the time
+when this duty was performed by the "crier" putting his head out of a
+small window high up in the wall of the Parliament House and shouting
+down to the counsel and agents assembled below him. Now it is performed
+from a raised dais on the floor of the hall, and it is no joke when the
+macer has to call in stentorian tones such a case as "Dampskibsselskabet
+Danmary _v._ John Smith." Learned members of the Faculty approach such a
+difficulty otherwise. During "motions" one day an astute counsel said,
+"In number 11 of your lordship's roll." "What did you call it?" inquired
+the judge. "I called it number 11," naïvely replied counsel. The case
+was "Fiskiveidschlutafjelagid Island _v._ Standard Fishing Company."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The administration of the oath in Courts of Justice is apt to become
+perfunctory, and some sheriffs shorten the formula, so that it is
+administered somewhat after this fashion: "I swearbalmitygod, that I
+will tell the truth, the wholetruth, anothingbuthetruth." There is one
+sheriff more punctilious, and recently he administered the oath to a
+female witness, making her recite it in sections after him. "I swear by
+Almighty God" (pause). Witness: "I swear by Almighty God."--"As I shall
+answer to God." Witness: "As I shall answer to God."--"At the Great Day
+of Judgment." The witness stumbled over this clause, and the sheriff had
+to repeat it twice. As she ran more glibly over the concluding words,
+the sheriff remarked: "It's extraordinary how many people come to this
+Court who seem never to have heard of that great occasion."
+
+This is what took place in a Glasgow Court. Sheriff: "Repeat this after
+me, 'I swear by Almighty God.'" Witness: "I swear by Almighty God."
+Sheriff: "I will tell the truth." Witness: "I will tell the truth."
+Sheriff: "The whole truth." Witness: "I HOPE so!"
+
+In Edinburgh Sheriff Small Debt Court the oath was administered to a
+witness who was dull of hearing. "I swear by Almighty God," said the
+sheriff. The witness put his hollowed hand to his ear and asked: "Wha
+dae ye sweer by?" Many Court reporters have heard a witness swear to
+tell "the truth, the whole truth, and anything but the truth"; and one
+old lady (mistaking certain words recited by the judge) affirmed her
+determination to tell the truth "with a great deal of judgment."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+As we indicated at the beginning of this volume, stories of wit and
+humour from the ranks of agents in the legal profession are much rarer
+than in those of the Bench and the Bar. From the _Court of Session
+Garland_ we quote the following relating to a worthy practitioner in the
+days when Councillor Pleydell played "high jinks" in his favourite
+tavern.
+
+In old times some stray agents in Scotland might be found who were not
+particularly distinguished for professional attainments, and who
+sometimes could not "draw" a paper as it is termed. One of these
+worthies was impressed with the idea that his powers were equal to the
+preparation of a petition for the appointment of a factor. His clerk was
+summoned, pens, ink, and paper placed before him, and the process of
+dictation commenced: "Unto the Right Honourable." "Right Honourable,"
+echoed the clerk. "The Lords of Council and Session."--"Session,"
+continued the scribe--"the Petition of Alexander Macdonald, tenant in
+Skye--Skye--humbly sheweth--sheweth." "Stop, John, read what I've
+said."--"Yes, sir. 'Unto the Right Honourable the Lords of Council and
+Session the Petition of Alexander Macdonald, tenant in Skye, humbly
+sheweth.'"--"Very well, John, very well. Where did you stop?"--"Humbly
+sheweth--that the petitioner--petitioner"--here a pause for a
+minute--"that the petitioner. It's down, sir." Here the master got up,
+walked about the room, scratched his head, took snuff, but in vain; the
+inspiration had fled with the mysterious word "petitioner." The clerk
+looked up somewhat amazed that his master had got that length, and at
+last ventured to suggest that the difficulty might be got over. "How,
+John?" exclaimed his master. "As you have done the most important part,
+what would you say, sir, to send the paper to be finished by Mr. M----
+with a guinea?"--"The very thing, John, tak' the paper to Mr. M----,
+and as we've done the maist fickle pairt of the work he's deevilish weel
+aff wi' a guinea."
+
+We are indebted to the author of that capital collection of Scottish
+anecdote, _Thistledown_, for the following story, as illustrating one of
+the many humorous attempts to get the better of the law, and one in
+which the lawyer was "hoist with his own petard." A dealer having hired
+a horse to a lawyer, the latter, either through bad usage or by
+accident, killed the beast, upon which the hirer insisted upon payment
+of its value; and if it was not convenient to pay costs, he expressed
+his willingness to accept a bill. The lawyer offered no objection, but
+said he must have a long date. The hirer desired him to fix his own
+time, whereupon the writer drew a promissory note, making it payable at
+the day of judgment. An action ensued, when in defence, the lawyer asked
+the judge to look at the bill. Having done so, the judge replied: "The
+bill is perfectly good, sir; and as this is the day of judgment, I
+decree that you pay to-morrow."
+
+Joseph Gillon was a well-known Writer to the Signet early in the
+nineteenth century. Calling on him at his office one day, Sir Walter
+Scott said, "Why, Joseph, this place is as hot as an oven."--"Well,"
+quoth Gillon, "and isn't it here that I make my bread?"
+
+A celebrated Scottish preacher and pastor was visiting the house of a
+solicitor who was one of his flock, but had a reputation of indulging
+in sharp practice. The minister was surprised to meet there two other
+members of his flock whose relations with the solicitor were not at the
+time known to be friendly or otherwise. In course of conversation the
+solicitor, alluding to some disputed point, appealed to the minister:
+"Doctor, these are members of your flock; may I ask whether you look on
+them as black or as white sheep?"--"I don't know," answered the
+minister, "whether they are black or white sheep; but this I know, that
+if they are long here they are pretty sure to be _fleeced_."
+
+_Apropos_ of this story is the one of a Scottish countrywoman who
+applied to a respectable solicitor for advice. After detailing all the
+circumstances of the case, she was asked if she had stated the facts
+exactly as they had occurred. "Ou ay, sir," rejoined the applicant; "I
+thought it best to tell you the plain truth; you can put the lees till't
+yoursel'."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LAWYER'S TOAST
+
+At a dinner of a Scots Law Society, the president called upon an old
+solicitor present to give as a toast the person whom he considered the
+best friend of the profession. "Then," said the gentleman very slyly,
+"I'll give you 'The Man who makes his own will.'"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER SEVEN
+
+THE AMERICAN BENCH & BAR
+
+
+     "Going tew law is like skinning a new milch cow for the hide
+     and giving the meat tew the lawyers."
+
+     JOSH BILLINGS.
+
+
+     "Oh, sir, you understand a conscience, but not law."
+
+     MASSINGER: _The Old Law_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER SEVEN
+
+THE AMERICAN BENCH & BAR
+
+
+The Rev. H. R. Haweis has defined "humour as the electric atmosphere,
+wit as the flash. A situation provides atmospheric humour, and with the
+culminating point of it comes the flash." This definition is peculiarly
+applicable to the humour of the Bench and Bar when the situation
+invariably provides the atmosphere for the wit. Not less so is this the
+case in American Courts than in British. Before Chief Justice Parsons
+was raised to the Bench, and when he was the leading lawyer of America,
+a client wrote, stating a case, requesting his opinion upon it, and
+enclosing twenty dollars. After the lapse of some time, receiving no
+answer, he wrote a second letter, informing him of his first
+communication. Parsons replied that he had received both letters, had
+examined the case and formed his opinion, but somehow or other "it stuck
+in his throat." The client understood this hint, sent him one hundred
+dollars, and received the opinion.
+
+[Illustration: THEOPHILUS PARSONS, CHIEF JUSTICE OF THE SUPREME COURT OF
+MASSACHUSETTS.]
+
+He was engaged in a heavy case which gave rise to many encounters
+between himself and the opposing counsel, Mr. Sullivan. During Parson's
+speech Sullivan picked up Parson's large black hat and wrote with a
+piece of chalk upon it: "This is the hat of a d--d rascal." The lawyers
+sitting round began to titter, which called attention to the hat, and
+the inscription soon caught the eye of Parsons, who at once said: "May
+it please your honour, I crave the protection of the Court, Brother
+Sullivan has been stealing my hat and writing his own name upon it."
+
+Parsons was considered a strong judge, and somewhat overbearing in his
+attitude towards counsel. One day he stopped Dexter, an eminent
+advocate, in the middle of his address to the jury, on the ground that
+he was urging a point unsupported by any evidence. Dexter hastily
+observed, "Your honour, did you argue your own cases in the way you
+require us to do?"--"Certainly not," retorted the judge; "but that was
+the judge's fault, not mine."
+
+Patrick Henry, "the forest-born Demosthenes," as Lord Byron called him,
+was defending an army commissary, who, during the distress of the
+American army in 1781, had seized some bullocks belonging to John Hook,
+a wealthy Scottish settler. The seizure was not quite legal, but Henry,
+defending, painted the hardships the patriotic army had to endure.
+"Where was the man," he said, "who had an American heart in his bosom
+who would not have thrown open his fields, his barbs, his cellars, the
+doors of his house, the portals of his breast, to have received with
+open arms the meanest soldier in that little band of famished patriots?
+Where is the man? _There_ he stands; and whether the heart of an
+American beats in his bosom, you gentlemen are to judge." He then
+painted the surrender of the British troops, their humiliation and
+dejection, the triumph of the patriot band, the shouts of victory, the
+cry of "Washington and liberty," as it rang and echoed through the
+American ranks, and was reverberated from vale to hill, and then to
+heaven. "But hark! What notes of discord are these which disturb the
+general joy and silence, the acclamations of victory; they are the notes
+of _John Hook_, hoarsely bawling through the American camp--'Beef! beef!
+beef!'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It is sometimes imagined that eloquent oratory is everything required of
+a good advocate, and certainly this idea must have been uppermost in the
+minds of the young American counsel who figure in the following stories.
+A Connecticut lawyer had addressed a long and impressive speech to a
+jury, of which this was his peroration: "And now the shades of night had
+wrapped the earth in darkness. All nature lay clothed in solemn thought,
+when the defendant ruffians came rushing like a mighty torrent from the
+mountains down upon the abodes of peace, broke open the plaintiff's
+house, separated the weeping mother from the screeching infant, and
+carried off--my client's rifle, gentlemen of the jury, for which we
+claim fifteen dollars."
+
+There was good excuse for adopting the "high-falutin" tone in the
+second instance, that it was the lawyer's first appearance. He was
+panting for distinction, and determined to convince the Court and jury
+that he was "born to shine." So he opened: "May it please the Court and
+gentlemen of the jury--while Europe is bathed in blood, while classic
+Greece is struggling for her rights and liberties, and trampling the
+unhallowed altars of the bearded infidels to dust, while the chosen few
+of degenerate Italy are waving their burnished swords in the sunlight of
+liberty, while America shines forth the brightest orb in the political
+sky--I, I, with due diffidence, rise to defend the cause of this humble
+hog thief."
+
+And this extract from a barrister's address "out West," some fifty years
+ago, surely could not fail to influence the jury in his client's behalf.
+"The law expressly declares, gentlemen, in the beautiful language of
+Shakespeare, that where a doubt of the prisoner exists, it is your duty
+to fetch him in innocent. If you keep this fact in view, in the case of
+my client, gentlemen, you will have the honour of making a friend of him
+and all his relations, and you can allus look upon this occasion and
+reflect with pleasure that you have done as you would be done by. But
+if, on the other hand, you disregard the principles of law and bring him
+in guilty, the silent twitches of conscience will follow you all over
+every fair cornfield, I reckon, and my injured and down-trodden client
+will be apt to light on you one of these dark nights as my cat lights on
+a saucerful of new milk."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In a rural Justice Court in one of the Southern States the defendant in
+a case was sentenced to serve thirty days in jail. He had known the
+judge from boyhood, and addressed him as follows: "Bill, old boy, you're
+gwine to send me ter jail, air you?"--"That's so," replied the judge;
+"have you got anything to say agin it?"--"Only this, Bill: God help you
+when I git out."
+
+Daniel Webster was a clever and successful lawyer, who was engaged in
+many important causes in his day. In a case in one of the Virginian
+Courts he had for his opponent William Wirt, the biographer of Patrick
+Henry, a work which was criticised as a brilliant romance. In the
+progress of the case Webster brought forward a highly respectable
+witness, whose testimony (unless disproved or impeached) settled the
+case, and annihilated Wirt's client. After getting through his
+testimony, Webster informed his opponent, with a significant expression,
+that he had now closed his evidence, and his witness was at Wirt's
+service. The counsel for defence rose to cross-examine, but seemed for a
+moment quite perplexed how to proceed, but quickly assuming a manner
+expressive of his incredulity as to the facts elicited, and coolly
+eyeing the witness, said: "Mr. ----, allow me to ask you whether you
+have ever read a work called _Baron Munchausen_?" Before the witness had
+time to answer, Webster rose and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr. Wirt, for
+the interruption, but there was one question I forgot to ask my witness,
+and if you will allow me that favour I promise not to interrupt you
+again." Mr. Wirt in the blandest manner replied, "Yes, most certainly";
+when Webster in the most deliberate and solemn manner, said, "Sir, have
+you ever read Wirt's _Life of Patrick Henry_?" The effect was so
+irresistible that even the judge could not control his rigid features.
+Wirt himself joined in the momentary laugh, and turning to Webster said:
+"Suppose we submit this case to jury without summing up"; which was
+assented to, and Mr. Webster's client won the case.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In the year 1785 an Indian murdered a Mr. Evans at Pittsburg. When,
+after a confinement of several months, his trial was to be brought on,
+the chiefs of his nation were invited to be present at the proceedings
+and see how the trial would be conducted, as well as to speak in behalf
+of the accused, if they chose. These chiefs, however, instead of going
+as wished for, sent to the civil officers of that place the following
+laconic answer: "Brethren! you inform us that ----, who murdered one of
+your men at Pittsburg, is shortly to be tried by the laws of your
+country, at which trial you request that some of us may be present.
+Brethren! knowing ---- to have been always a very bad man, we do not
+wish to see him. We therefore advise you to try him by your laws, and to
+hang him, so that he may never return to us again."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There are many stories of the smart repartee of white and coloured
+witnesses and prisoners appearing before American judges, but the most
+of them bear such strong evidence of newspaper staff manufacture as to
+be unworthy of more permanent record than the weekly "fill up" they were
+designed for. Of the more reputable we select a few.
+
+Judge Emory Speer, of the southern district of Georgia, had before his
+Court a typical charge of illicit distilling. "What's your name?"
+demanded the eminent judge. "Joshua, jedge," drawled the prisoner.
+"Joshua who made the sun stand still?" smiled the judge, in amusement at
+the laconic answer. "No, sir. Joshua who made the moon shine," answered
+the quick-witted mountaineer. And it is needless to say that Judge Speer
+made the sentence as light as he possibly could, saying to his friends
+in telling the story that wit like that deserved some recompense.
+
+A newly qualified judge in Tennessee was trying his first criminal
+case. The accused was an old negro charged with robbing a hen-coop. He
+had been in Court before on a similar charge, and was then acquitted.
+"Well, Tom," began the judge, "I see you're in trouble again."--"Yes,
+sah," replied the negro. "The last time, jedge, you was ma
+lawyer."--"Where is your lawyer this time?" asked the judge. "I ain't
+got no lawyer this time," answered Tom. "I'm going to tell the truth."
+
+Judge M. W. Pinckney tells the story of a coloured man, Sam Jones by
+name, who was on trial at Dawson City, for felony. The judge asked Sam
+if he desired the appointment of a lawyer to defend him. "No, sah," Sam
+replied, "I'se gwine to throw myself on the ignorance of the cote."
+
+A Southern lawyer tells of a case that came to him at the outset of his
+career, wherein his principal witness was a negro named Jackson,
+supposed to have knowledge of certain transactions not at all to the
+credit of his employer, the defendant. "Now, Jackson," said the lawyer,
+"I want you to understand the importance of telling the truth when you
+are put on the stand. You know what will happen, don't you, if you don't
+tell the truth?"--"Yessir," was Jackson's reply; "in dat case I expects
+our side will win de case."
+
+When Senator Taylor was Governor of Tennessee, he issued a great many
+pardons to men and women confined in penitentiaries or jails in that
+State. His reputation as a "pardoning Governor" resulted in his being
+besieged by everybody who had a relative incarcerated. One morning an
+old negro woman made her way into the executive offices and asked Taylor
+to pardon her husband, who was in jail. "What's he in for?" asked the
+Governor. "Fo' nothin' but stealin' a ham," explained the wife. "You
+don't want me to pardon him," argued the Governor. "If he got out he
+would only make trouble for you again."--"'Deed I does want him out ob
+dat place!" she objected. "I needs dat man."--"Why do you need him?"
+inquired Taylor, patiently. "Me an' de chillun," she said, seriously,
+"needs another ham."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Etiquette in the matter of dress was, in early days, of little or no
+consequence with American lawyers, especially in the Southern States. In
+South Carolina this neglect of the rigid observance of English rules on
+the part of Mr. Petigru, a well-known barrister, gave rise to the
+following passage between the Bench and the Bar.
+
+"Mr. Petigru," said the judge, "you have on a light coat. You can't
+speak."
+
+"May it please the Bench," said the barrister, "I conform strictly to
+the law. Let me illustrate. The law says the barrister shall wear a
+black gown and coat, and your honour thinks that means a black coat?"
+
+"Yes," said the judge.
+
+"Well, the law also says the sheriff shall wear a cocked hat and sword.
+Does your honour hold that the sword must be cocked as well as the hat?"
+
+He was permitted to go on.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In the United States, as elsewhere, the average juryman is not very well
+versed in the fine distinctions of the law. On these it is the judge's
+duty to instruct him. What guidance the jury got from the explanation of
+what constitutes murder is not quite clear to the lay mind, however
+satisfactory it may have appeared to the judge.
+
+"Gentlemen," he stated, with admirable lucidity, "murder is where a man
+is murderously killed. The killer in such a case is a murderer. Now,
+murder by poison is just as much murder as murder with a gun, pistol, or
+knife. It is the simple act of murdering that constitutes murder in the
+eye of the law. Don't let the idea of murder and manslaughter confound
+you. Murder is one thing; manslaughter is quite another. Consequently,
+if there has been a murder, and it is not manslaughter, then it must be
+murder. Don't let this point escape you."
+
+"Self-murder has nothing to do with this case. According to Blackstone
+and other legal writers, one man cannot commit _felo-de-se_ upon
+another; and this is my opinion. Gentlemen, murder is murder. The murder
+of a brother is called fratricide; the murder of a father is called
+parricide, but that don't enter into this case. As I have said before,
+murder is emphatically murder."
+
+"You will consider your verdict, gentlemen, and make up your minds
+according to the law and the evidence, not forgetting the explanation I
+have given you."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There is a delightful frankness about the address submitted to the
+electors by a candidate who solicited their support for the position of
+sheriff in one of the provinces of the United States, but its honesty
+cannot be questioned:
+
+"Gentlemen, I offer myself a candidate for sheriff; I have been a
+revolutionary officer; fought many bloody battles, suffered hunger,
+toil, heat; got honourable scars, but little pay. I will tell you
+plainly how I shall discharge my duty should I be so happy as to obtain
+a majority of your suffrages. If writs are put into my hands against any
+of you, I will take you if I can, and, unless you can get bail, I will
+deliver you over to the keeper of the gaol. Secondly, if judgments are
+found against you, and executions directed to me, I will sell your
+property as the law directs, without favour or affection; if there be
+any surplus money, I will punctually remit it. Thirdly, if any of you
+should commit a crime (which God forbid!) that requires capital
+punishment, according to law, I will hang you up by the neck till you
+are dead."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: RUFUS CHOATE, LEADER OF THE MASSACHUSETTS BAR.]
+
+Rufus Choate was designated _the_ leader of the Massachusetts Bar--a
+distinctive title which long outlived him and marked the sense of esteem
+in which he was held by his brother lawyers, as well as indicating his
+outstanding ability and success.
+
+In 1841 a divorce case was tried in America, and a young woman named
+Abigail Bell was the chief witness of the adultery of the wife. Sumner,
+for the defence, cross-examined Abigail. "Are you married?"--"No."--"Any
+children?"--"No."--"Have you a child?" Here there was a long pause, and
+then at last the witness feebly replied, "Yes." Sumner sat down with an
+air of triumph. Rufus Choate was advocate for the husband, who claimed
+the divorce, and after enlarging on other things, said, "Gentlemen,
+Abigail Bell's evidence is before you." Raising himself proudly, he
+continued, "I solemnly assert there is not the shadow of a shade of
+doubt or suspicion on that evidence or on her character." Everybody
+looked surprised, and he went on: "What though in an unguarded moment
+she may have trusted too much to the young man to whom she had pledged
+her untried affections; to whom she was to be wedded on the next Lord's
+Day; and who was suddenly struck dead at her feet by a stroke of
+lightning out of the heavens!" This was delivered with such tragic
+effect that Choate, majestically pausing, saw the jury had taken the
+cue, and he went on triumphantly to the end. He afterwards told his
+friends that he had a right to make any supposition consistent with the
+witness's innocence.
+
+A client went to consult him as to the proper redress for an intolerable
+insult and wrong he had just suffered. He had been in a dispute with a
+waiter at the hotel, who in a paroxysm of rage and contempt told the
+client "to go to ----." "Now," said the client, "I ask you, Mr. Choate,
+as one learned in the law, and as my legal adviser, what course under
+these circumstances I ought to take to punish this outrageous insult."
+Choate looked grave, and told the client to repeat slowly all the
+incidents preceding this outburst, telling him to be careful not to omit
+anything, and when this was done Choate stood for a while as if in deep
+thought and revolving an abstruse subject; he then gravely said: "I have
+been running over in my head all the statutes of the United States, and
+all the statutes of the commonwealth of Massachusetts, and all the
+decisions of all the judges in our Courts therein, and I may say that I
+am thoroughly satisfied that there is nothing in any of them that will
+require you to go to the place you have mentioned. And if you will take
+my advice then I say decidedly--_don't go_."
+
+Choate defended a blacksmith whose creditor had seized some iron that a
+friend had lent him to assist in the business after a bankruptcy. The
+seizure of the iron was said to have been made harshly. Choate thus
+described it: "He arrested the arm of industry as it fell towards the
+anvil; he put out the breath of his bellows; he extinguished the fire
+upon his hearthstone. Like pirates in a gale at sea, his enemies swept
+everything by the board, leaving, gentlemen of the jury, not so
+much--not so much as a horseshoe to nail upon the doorpost to keep the
+witches off." The blacksmith, sitting behind, was seen to have tears in
+his eyes at this description, and a friend noticing it, said, "Why, Tom,
+what's the matter with you? What are you blubbering about?"--"I had no
+idea," said Tom in a whisper, "that I had been so abominably
+ab-ab-bused."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A veteran member of the Baltimore Bar tells of an amusing
+cross-examination in a Court of that city. The witness seemed disposed
+to dodge the questions of counsel for the defence. "Sir," admonished the
+counsel sternly, "you need not tell us your impressions. We want facts.
+We are quite competent to form our own impressions. Now, sir, answer me
+categorically." From that time on he got little more than "yes" and
+"no" from the witness. Presently counsel asked: "You say that you live
+next door to the defendant."--"Yes."--"To the south of him?"--"No."--"To
+the north?"--"No."--"Well, to the east then?"--"No."--"Ah," exclaimed
+the counsel sarcastically, "we are likely now to get down to the one
+real fact. You live to the west of him, do you not?"--"No."--"How is
+that, sir?" the astounded counsel asked. "You say you live next door to
+the defendant, yet he lives neither north, south, east, or west of you.
+What do you mean by that, sir?" Whereupon the witness "came back." "I
+thought perhaps you were competent to form the impression that we lived
+in a flat," said the witness calmly; "but I see I must inform you that
+he lives next door above me."
+
+In the Supreme Court of the United States the President interrupted
+counsel in the course of a long speech by saying: "Mr. Jones, you must
+give this Court credit for knowing _something_."--"That's all very
+well," replied the advocate (who came from a Western State), "but that's
+exactly the mistake I made in the Court below."
+
+In a suit for damages against a grasping railway corporation for killing
+a cow, the attorney for the plaintiff, addressing the twelve Arkansas
+good men and true who were sitting in judgment, and on their respective
+shoulder-blades, said: "Gentlemen of the jury, if the train had been
+running as slow as it should have been ran, if the bell had been rung as
+it 'ort to have been rang, or the whistle had been blown as it 'ort to
+have been blew, none of which was did, the cow would not have been
+injured when she was killed."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Although not strictly a story of either the Bench or the Bar of America,
+it is so pertinent to the latter that we cannot omit the following told
+by the Scottish clergyman, the late Dr. Gillespie of Mouswold, in his
+amusing collection of anecdotes.
+
+A young American lady was his guest at the manse while a young Scottish
+advocate was spending a holiday in the neighbourhood. He was invited to
+dine at the manse, and took the young lady in to dinner, and kept
+teasing her in a lively, good-natured manner about American people and
+institutions, while it may be guessed his neighbour held her own, as
+most American girls are well able to do. At length the advocate asked,
+"Miss ----, have you any lawyers in America?" She knowing what
+profession he belonged to replied quick as thought, "Oh yes, Mr. ----,
+lots of lawyers. I've a brother a lawyer. Whenever we've a member of a
+family a bigger liar than another, we make him a lawyer."
+
+A quaint decision was given by Judge Kimmel, of the Supreme Court at
+St. Louis, in an application for divorce by Mrs. Quan. The judge
+directed Patrick J. Egan, a policeman, to supervise the domestic affairs
+of the couple, and to visit their home daily for thirty days. After
+questioning the wife closely on her attitude towards her husband and his
+treatment of her, Egan wrote down for the wife's guidance a long array
+of precepts. Among these were the following:
+
+"Don't remonstrate with your husband when he has been drinking. Wait
+until next morning. Then give him a cup of coffee for his headache.
+Afterwards lead him into the parlour, put your arms about him, and give
+him a lecture. It will have more weight with him than any number of
+quarrels.
+
+"If he has to drink, let him have it at home.
+
+"Avoid mothers-in-law. Don't let them live with you or interfere in your
+affairs.
+
+"If you must have your own way, do not let your husband know you are
+trying to boss him. Have your own way by letting him think he is having
+his.
+
+"Dress to suit your husband's taste and income. Husbands usually don't
+like their wives to wear tight dresses. Consult him on these matters.
+
+"Don't be jealous or give your husband cause for jealousy.
+
+"When your husband is in a bad humour, be in a good humour. It may be
+difficult, but it will pay."
+
+The policeman-philosopher's precepts were duly printed, framed, and
+placed against the wall of the family sitting-room. After paying only
+fifteen of the thirty visits to the house directed by the judge, the
+results could not have been more gratifying. Mr. and Mrs. Quan were
+delighted, and presented the guide to martial bliss with a handsome
+token of their gratitude in the form of a gold watch.
+
+Many of the droll sayings of the American Bench of past years are
+attributable to the fact that the judges were appointed by popular vote,
+and the successful candidate was not always a man of high attainments in
+the practice of his profession at the Bar, or of profound learning in
+the laws of his country. Too often he was a man of no better education
+than the mass of litigants upon whose causes he was called to
+adjudicate. For instance, a Kentuckian judge cut short a tedious and
+long-winded counsel by suddenly breaking into his speech with: "If the
+Court is right, and she thinks she air, why, then, you are wrong, and
+you knows you is. Shut up!"
+
+"What are you reading from?" demanded Judge Dowling, who had in his
+earlier life been a fireman and later a police officer. "From the
+statutes of 1876, your honour," was the reply. "Well, you needn't read
+any more," retorted the judge; "I'm judge in this Court, and my statutes
+are good enough law for anybody." A codified law and precedent cases
+were of no account to this "equity" judge.
+
+But these are mild instances of the methods of early American judges
+compared with the summing up of Judge Rodgers--Old Kye, as he was
+called--in an action for wrongful dismissal brought before him by an
+overseer. "The jury," said his honour, "will take notice that this Court
+is well acquainted with the nature of the case. When this Court first
+started in the world it followed the business of overseering, and if
+there is a business which this Court understands, it's hosses, mules,
+and niggers; though this Court never overseed in its life for less than
+eight hundred dollars. And this Court in hoss-racing was always
+naterally gifted; and this Court in running a quarter race whar the
+hosses was turned could allers turn a hoss so as to gain fifteen feet in
+a race; and on a certain occasion it was one of the conditions of the
+race that Kye Rodgers shouldn't turn narry of the hosses." Surely it
+must have been Old Kye who, upon taking his official seat for the first
+time, said: "If this Court know her duty, and she thinks she do, justice
+will walk over this track with her head and tail up."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+On a divorce case coming before a Western administrator of the law,
+Judge A. Smith, he thus addressed the plaintiff's counsel, who was
+awaiting the arrival of his opponent to open proceedings. "I don't
+think people ought to be compelled to live together when they don't want
+to do so. I will decree a divorce in this case." Thereupon they were
+declared to be no longer man and wife. At this juncture the defendant's
+counsel entered the Court and expressed surprise that the judge had not
+at least heard one side of the case, much less both sides, and protested
+against such over-hasty proceedings. But to all his protestations the
+judge turned a deaf ear; only informing him that no objections could now
+be raised after decree had been pronounced. "But," he added, "if you
+want to argue the case 'right bad,' the Court will marry the couple
+again, and you can then have your say out."
+
+Breach of promise cases generally afford plenty of amusement to the
+public, both in the United States and Great Britain, but it is only in
+early American Courts that we hear of a judge adding to the hilarity by
+congratulating the successful party to the suit. A young American belle
+sued her faithless sweetheart, and claimed damages laid at one hundred
+dollars. The defendant pleaded that after an intimate acquaintance with
+the family, he found it was impossible to live comfortably with his
+intended mother-in-law, who was to take up residence with her daughter
+after the marriage, and he refused to fulfil his promise. "Would you
+rather live with your mother-in-law, or pay _two hundred_ dollars?"
+inquired the judge. "Pay two hundred dollars," was the prompt reply.
+Said the judge: "Young man, let me shake hands with you. There was a
+time in my life when I was in the same situation as you are in now. Had
+I possessed your firmness, I should have been spared twenty-five years
+of trouble. I had the alternative of marrying or paying a hundred and
+twenty-five dollars. Being poor, I married; and for twenty-five years
+have I regretted it. I am happy to meet with a man of your stamp. The
+plaintiff must pay ten dollars and costs for having thought of putting a
+gentleman under the dominion of a mother-in-law."
+
+The charms of the female sex were more susceptible to the Iowa judge
+than to his brother of the former story. This worthy refused to fine a
+man for kissing a young lady against her will, because the complainant
+was so pretty that "nothing but the Court's overwhelming sense of
+dignity prevented the Court from kissing her itself."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"A fellow-feeling makes one wondrous kind," wrote Garrick, and something
+of this nature must have actuated Judge Bela Brown in a case in a
+Circuit Court of Georgia. The judge was an able lawyer, and right good
+boon companion among his legal friends. The night before the Court
+opened he joined the Circuit barristers at a tavern kept by one Sterrit,
+where the company enjoyed themselves "not wisely, but too well." Next
+morning the judge was greatly perturbed to find a quantity of silver
+spoons in his pocket, which had been placed there by a wag of the
+company as the judge left the tavern the night before. "Was I tipsy when
+I came home last night?" timidly asked the judge of his wife. "Yes,"
+said she; "you know your habits when you get among your lawyer
+friends."--"Well," responded the judge, "that fellow keeps the meanest
+liquor in the States; but I never thought it was so bad as to induce a
+man to steal."
+
+Before the close of the Court a man was arraigned for larceny, who
+pleaded guilty, but put forward the extenuating circumstance that he was
+drunk and didn't know what he was doing. "What is the nature of the
+charge," asked Judge Brown. "Stealing money from Sterrit's till,"
+replied the clerk. "Are you sure you were tipsy when you took this
+money?"--"Yes, your honour; when I went out of doors the ground kept
+coming up and hitting me on the head."--"That will do. Did you get all
+your liquor at Sterrit's?"--"Every drop, sir." Turning to the
+prosecuting attorney the judge said, "You will do me the favour of
+entering a _nolle prosequi_; that liquor of Sterrit's I have reason to
+know is enough to make a man do anything dirty. I got tipsy on it myself
+the other night and stole all his spoons. If Sterrit will sell such
+abominable stuff he ought not to have the protection of this Court--Mr.
+Sheriff, you may release the prisoner."
+
+The judge of a Court in Nevada dealt differently with a man who, charged
+with intoxication, thought to gain acquittal by a whimsical treatment of
+his offence. On being asked whether he was rightly or wrongly charged he
+pleaded, "Not guilty, your honour. Sunstroke!"--"Sunstroke?" queried
+Judge Cox. "Yes, sir; the regular New York variety."--"You've had
+sunstroke a good deal in your time, I believe?"--"Yes, your honour; but
+this last attack was most severe."--"Does sunstroke make you rush
+through the streets offering to fight the town?"--"That's the effect
+precisely."--"And makes you throw brickbats at people?"--"That's it,
+judge. I see you understand the symptoms, and agree with the best
+recognised authorities, who hold it inflames the organs of combativeness
+and destructiveness. When a man of my temperament gets a good square
+sunstroke he's liable to do almost anything."--"Yes; you are quite
+right--liable to go to jail for fifteen days. You'll go down with the
+policeman at once." With that observation the conversation naturally
+closed, and the victim of so-called sunstroke "went down."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Sheriff, remove the prisoner's hat," said a judge in the Court of
+Keatingville, Montana, when he noticed that the culprit before him had
+neglected to do so. The sheriff obeyed instructions by knocking off the
+hat with his rifle. The prisoner picked it up, and clapping it on his
+head again, shouted, "I am bald, judge." Once more it was "removed" by
+the sheriff, while the indignant judge rose and said, "I fine you five
+dollars for contempt of Court--to be committed until the fine is paid."
+The offender approached the judge, and laying down half a dollar
+remarked, "Your sentence, judge, is most ungentlemanly; but the law is
+imperative and I will have to stand it; so here is half a dollar, and
+the four dollars and a half you owed me when we stopped playing poker
+this morning makes us square."
+
+The card-playing administrator of law must have felt as small as his
+brother-judge who priced a cow at an Arkansas cattle-market. Seeing one
+that took his fancy he asked the farmer what he wanted for her. "Thirty
+dollars, and she'll give you five quarts of milk if you feed her well,"
+said the farmer. "Why," quoth the judge, "I have cows not much more than
+half her size which give twenty quarts of milk a day." The farmer eyed
+the would-be purchaser of the cow very hard, as if trying to remember if
+he had met him before, and then inquired where he lived. "My home is in
+Iowa," replied the judge. "Yes, stranger, I don't dispute it. There were
+heaps of soldiers from Iowa down here during the war, and they were the
+worst liars in the whole Yankee army. Maybe you were an officer in one
+of them regiments." Then the judge returned to his Court duties.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Judge Kiah Rodgers already figures in a story, and here we give his
+address to a delinquent when he presided at a Court in Louisiana.
+"Prisoner, stand up! Mr. Kettles, this Court is under the painful
+necessity of passing sentence of the law upon you. This Court has no
+doubt, Mr. Kettles, but what you were brought into this scrape by the
+use of intoxicating liquors. The friends of this Court all know that if
+there is any vice this Court abhors it is intoxication. When this Court
+was a young man, Mr. Kettles, it was considerably inclined to drink, and
+the friends of this Court know that this Court has naterally a very high
+temper; and if this Court had not stopped short off, I have no doubt,
+sir, but what this Court, sir, would have been in the penitentiary or in
+its grave."
+
+There was a strong sense of duty to humanity, as well as seeing justice
+carried out, in the Californian sheriff after an interview with a
+self-confessed murderer, who desired to be sent to New York to be tried,
+when he addressed the prisoner: "So your conscience ain't easy, and you
+want to be hanged?" said the sheriff. "Well, my friend, the county
+treasury ain't well fixed at present, and I don't want to take any
+risks, in case you're not the man, and are just fishing for a free
+ride. Besides, those New York Courts can't be trusted to hang a man. As
+you say, you deserve to be killed, and your conscience won't be easy
+till you are killed, and as it can't make any difference to you or to
+society how you are killed, I guess I'll do the job myself!" and his
+hand moved to his pocket; but before he could pull out the revolver and
+level it at the murderer, that conscience-stricken individual was down
+the road and out of killing distance.
+
+Like the sailor who objected to his captain undertaking the double duty
+of flogging and preaching, prisoners do not appreciate the judge who
+delivers sentence upon them and at the same time admonishes them in a
+long speech. After being sentenced a Californian prisoner was thus
+reproached by a judge for his lack of ambition:
+
+"Where is it, sir? Where is it? Did you ever hear of Cicero taking free
+lunches? Did you ever hear that Plato gamboled through the alleys of
+Athens? Did you ever hear Demosthenes accused of sleeping under a
+coal-shed? If you would be a Plato, there would be a fire in your eye;
+your hair would have an intellectual cut; you'd step into a clean shirt;
+and you'd hire a mowing-machine to pare those finger-nails. You have got
+to go up for four months!"
+
+In conclusion we return to the jury-box of a New York Court for the
+story of a well-known character who frequently was called to act along
+with other good men and true. As soon as they had retired to deliberate
+on the evidence they had heard, he would button up his coat and "turn
+in" on a bench, exclaiming, "Gentlemen, I'm for bringing in a verdict
+for the plaintiff (or the defendant, as he had settled in his mind), and
+all Creation can't move me. Therefore as soon as you have all agreed
+with me, wake me up and we'll go in."
+
+
+
+
+L'ENVOI
+
+
+    "THE TASK IS ENDED, AND ASIDE WE FLING
+    THE MUSTY BOOKS TIED UP WITH LEGAL STRING;
+    AND SO GOOD NIGHT, SINCE WE OUR SAY HAVE SAID,
+    SHUT UP THE VOLUME AND PROCEED TO BED;
+    AND DREAM, DEAR READER, OF A FUTURE, WHEN
+    A LAWYER MAY SHAKE HANDS WITH YOU AGAIN."
+
+    WILLOCK: _Legal Facetiæ_.
+
+
+
+
+INDEX
+
+
+     Abbot, Mr. Justice, 43
+
+     Abinger, Lord, 35, 36, 42
+
+     Adam, H. L., 80, 101
+
+     Adams, Serjeant, 85
+
+     Adolphus, John, 76
+
+     Alderson, Baron, 45
+
+     Alemoor, Lord, 156
+
+     Allen, Serjeant, 68
+
+     Alverstone, Lord, 62
+
+     Andrews, W., 26, 99
+
+     Anne, Queen, 107, 159
+
+     Archibald, Mr. Justice, 94
+
+     Ardwall, Lord, 193, 212
+
+     Arnot, Hugo, 201, 203
+
+     Atkinson, Mrs., 90
+
+     Auchinleck, Lord, 155
+
+     Avonmore, Lord, 119-122, 131, 133
+
+     Avory, Lord, 62, 63
+
+
+     Bacon, Lord, 68
+
+     Bacon, Sir Nicholas, 5
+
+     Bacon, Vice-Chancellor, 38, 54
+
+     Baird, Mr., of Cambusdoon, 192
+
+     Baldwin, Mr., 83
+
+     Balfour, Sheriff, 209
+
+     Ballantine, Serjeant, 81, 88
+
+     Balmuto, Lord, 201
+
+     Bannatyne, Lord, 165
+
+     Barjarg, Lord, 156
+
+     Bell, Abigail, 234
+
+     Bethel, I. B., 136
+
+     Birrell, Augustine, 89
+
+     Blair, Lord President, 170
+
+     Blair, Thomas W., 159
+
+     Boswell, James, 155, 165
+
+     Bowen, Lord, 53, 54
+
+     Boyd, Judge, 135
+
+     Boyle, Lord Justice-Clerk, 175
+
+     Braxfield, Lord, 155, 182, 183, 200
+
+     Brocklesby, Dr., 15
+
+     Brougham, Lord, 17, 39-43, 117, 188, 205
+
+     Brown, Judge Bela, 243
+
+     Buchan, Earl of, 27, 202
+
+     Bullen, Edward, 85
+
+     Burrowes, Peter, 145
+
+     Burrows, Sir James, 9
+
+     Bushe, Charles K., 118, 122, 138
+
+     Butler, Sir Toby, 127
+
+     Byles, Mr. Justice, 49
+
+     Byron, Lord, 224
+
+
+     Campbell, Lord John, 13, 25, 34, 35, 41-44, 76, 86
+
+     Campbell, Lord President, 181
+
+     Carleton, Chief Justice, 112
+
+     Carleton, Lady, 112
+
+     Chambers, Montague, 77
+
+     Charles II, 6, 68
+
+     Chelmsford, Lord, 46
+
+     Chitty, Lord Justice, 38
+
+     Choate, Rufus, 234-236
+
+     Clare, Lord, 132
+
+     Clarke, George, minstrel, 97
+
+     Clarke, Thomas, 75, 76
+
+     Clonmel, Earl of, 109, 110
+
+     Coalston, Lord, 156
+
+     Cockburn, Lord, 171, 173, 174, 175, 185-187, 215
+
+     Cockburn, Sir Alexander, 46, 47, 55-57
+
+     Cockle, Serjeant, 100, 101
+
+     Coleridge, Lord, 51, 52
+
+     Collins, Stephen, Q.C., 140, 141
+
+     Colman, George, 79
+
+     Colquhoun, Sir James, 202
+
+     Connor, John, 143
+
+     Cooke, Tom, 36
+
+     Cottenham, Lord Chancellor, 42
+
+     Coutts, Thomas, 159
+
+     Covington, Lord, 155
+
+     Cox, Judge, 245
+
+     Crabtree, Jesse, 79
+
+     Cranworth, Lord, 35
+
+     Cringletie, Lord, 170
+
+     Crispe, Thomas E., 94
+
+     Crosbie, Andrew, 205
+
+     Cunningham, Lord, 206
+
+     Curran, J. P., 109, 113, 120, 121, 127-134
+
+
+     Danckwerts, Mr., Q.C., 59
+
+     Darling, Mr. Justice, 3, 4, 58-60
+
+     Davenport, Sir Thomas, 12
+
+     Davy, Serjeant, 70, 71
+
+     Deas, Lord, 177
+
+     Denman, Lord, 72, 73
+
+     Dewar, Lord, 51
+
+     Dirleton, Lord, 153
+
+     Douglas, Alexander, W.S., 188
+
+     Dowling, Judge, 240
+
+     Doyle, Mr., 121
+
+     Duke, Mr., K.C., 60
+
+     Dun, Lord, 159
+
+     Dundas, Henry (Lord Melville), 157, 200
+       Robert, first Lord President, 156, 158
+       ---- second Lord President, 204
+
+     Dunning, Serjeant, 17, 73, 74
+
+
+     Egan, John, Q.C., 131, 134
+
+     Egerton, Master of Rolls, 6
+
+     Eldin, Lord, 164, 167-171
+
+     Eldon, Earl of, 10-12, 17-19, 167, 171, 179
+
+     Elizabeth, Queen, 68
+
+     Ellenborough, Lord, 20, 21
+
+     Elliock, Lord, 156
+
+     Erne, Lord, 114
+
+     Erskine, Henry, 27, 164, 199-202
+       John, of Carnoch, 157
+       ---- Lord, 27-31, 46
+
+     Esher, Lord, 54
+
+     Eskgrove, Lord, 155, 160, 161, 162, 164, 199
+
+     Evans, 228
+
+     Eve, Mr. Justice, 69
+
+
+     Fisher, Dr., 19
+
+     Fitton, Lord Chancellor, 127
+
+     Flood, Right Hon. H., 110
+
+     Forglen, Lord, 160
+
+     Fortesque, Lord, 8
+
+     Foster, Judge, 113
+
+     Fountainhall, Lord, 153, 154
+
+     Furton, Sir Thomas, 132
+
+
+     Gardenstone, Lord, 156
+
+     Garrick, David, 243
+
+     George III, 19, 24
+
+     Gillespie, Rev. Dr., 238
+
+     Gillon, Joseph, W.S., 219
+
+     Glengarry, 161
+
+     Gould, Mr. Justice, 22, 30, 60, 71
+
+     Grady, H. D., 135-136
+
+     Graham, Baron, 34
+
+     Grantham, Mr. Justice, 58
+
+     Guildford, Lord, 68
+
+     Guthrie, Lord, 193
+
+
+     Hailes, Lord, 156
+
+     Halkerston, Lord, 163
+
+     Halligan, Denis, 113, 114
+
+     Hardwicke, Lord, 8
+
+     Harper, Sheriff, 206
+
+     Harris, Billy, 111
+
+     Hatton, Lord Chancellor, 5
+
+     Haweis, Rev. H. R., 223
+
+     Hawkins, Sir Henry (Lord Brampton), 54-57
+
+     Hayward, Mr., 132
+
+     Healy, Tim, 146, 147
+
+     Henderson, Sir John, 161
+
+     Henn, Chief Baron, 111
+       Jonathan, 111, 112
+       William, Judge, 111
+
+     Henry VIII, 4
+
+     Henry, Patrick, 224
+
+     Hermand, Lord, 165, 174, 176, 179-181
+
+     Herrick, Mr., 141
+
+     Hill, Serjeant, 69, 70
+
+     Holmes, Mr., 138
+
+     Holroyd, Chief Justice, 38
+
+     Holt, Lord Justice, 37
+
+     Hook, John, 224
+
+     Horne, Mr., Dean of Faculty, 193
+
+     Horner, Mr., 183
+
+     Hyde, Edward (Lord Campden), 7
+
+
+     Jackson, Sheriff Officer, 116
+
+     James, Edwin, 85, 86
+
+     James V, 153
+
+     Jeffrey, Lord, 172, 187
+
+     Jeffreys, Judge, 7
+
+     Jekyll, Serjeant, 79, 80
+
+
+     Kames, Lord, 5, 156, 165, 166
+
+     Keating, Mr. Justice, 61, 68
+
+     Keller, Jerry, 139
+
+     Kennedy, Mrs., 52
+
+     Kennet, Lord, 158
+
+     Kenyon, Lord, 10-12, 22-24
+
+     Kilkerran, Lord, 163
+
+     Kingston, Duchess of, 13
+
+     Knight-Bruce, Lord Justice, 47, 48
+
+
+     Labron, John, 39
+
+     Landseer, Sir Edwin, 81
+
+     Lawrence, Sir Thomas, 85
+
+     Lawson, Mr. Justice, 123
+
+     Lee, Jack, 77
+
+     Leeds, Duke of, 46
+
+     Lees, Richard, 206
+
+     Lifford, Lord Chancellor, 110
+
+     Lockwood, Sir Frank, 89, 92
+
+     Logan, Sheriff, 206
+
+     Lysaght, Edward, 136, 137
+
+
+     M'Cormick, Samuel, 175
+
+     Macdonald, Chief Baron, 34
+
+     Macklin, Actor, 128
+
+     Maclaren, Lord, 194
+
+     MacMahon, Serjeant, 145
+
+     Mahaffy, Ninian, 140, 141
+
+     Mair, Ludovick, 208
+
+     Maloney, Mr., 130
+
+     Manners, Lord Chancellor, 141
+
+     Mansfield, Earl of, 14-16, 74, 205
+
+     Margarot, 183
+
+     Martin, Baron, 44, 45, 81
+
+     Maule, Mr. Justice, 31-34
+
+     Meadowbank, Lord (first), 159
+
+     Meadowbank, Lord (second), 164, 169, 179
+
+     Mellor, Mr., 91, 92
+
+     Miller, Sir Thomas, 157
+
+     Millicent, Sir John, 6
+
+     Milton, Lord, 159
+
+     Missing, Serjeant, 75
+
+     Mitchell, John, 112
+
+     Monboddo, Lord, 153, 157
+
+     Moncreiff, Lord, 175, 183, 184
+       Rev. Sir Henry Wellwood, 175
+       Lord Justice-Clerk, 211
+
+     Moore, Frankfort, 123
+
+     Moore, Judge, 112
+
+     More, Sir Thomas, 4, 5
+
+     Muir, Mr., 82
+
+     Murphy, Mr., gaoler, 117
+
+
+     Nagle, Mr., 127
+
+     Nangle, Mr., 107, 108, 109
+
+     Nares, Mr. Justice, 27
+
+     Newhall, Lord, 160
+
+     Newton, Lord, 171-173
+
+     Norbury, Lord, 114-117, 132, 133, 145
+
+     Norfolk, Duke of, 19
+
+
+     O'Connell, Daniel, 117, 141-144
+
+     O'Flanagan, F. R., 107, 137
+
+     O'Gorman, Mr., 139, 140
+
+     O'Grady, Chief Baron, 117-119
+
+     Orton, Arthur, 55
+
+     Oswald, Francis, 95, 96
+
+
+     Page, Mr. Justice, 22
+
+     Parker, Chief Baron, 15
+
+     Parry, Serjeant, 93, 101
+
+     Parsons, Chief Justice, 223, 224
+
+     Parsons, Commissioner, 144, 145
+
+     Patteson, Mr. Justice, 61
+
+     Peat, Mr., 80
+
+     Petigru, Mr., 231
+
+     Phillimore, Sir Walter, 57
+
+     Phillips, Charles, 54
+
+     Phillips, 123, 128
+
+     Phipps, Lord Chancellor, 107
+
+     Pigot, Chief Baron, 141
+
+     Pinckney, Judge W. M., 230
+
+     Pitfour, Lord, 158
+
+     Pitmilly, Lord, 174
+
+     Plowden, Mr., 55
+
+     Plunket, Lord, 122, 123, 138
+
+     Polkemmet, Lord, 155, 163, 164
+
+     Powis, Mr. Justice, 8
+
+     Pratt, Sir John, Lord Justice, 9
+
+     Prime, Serjeant, 26, 72
+
+     Pritchard, Mary, 77
+
+     Pyne, Chief Justice, 107, 108
+
+
+     Queensberry, Duke of, 29
+
+
+     Raine, Mr., 100
+
+     Redsdale, Lord Chancellor, 140
+
+     Reid, David, 159, 160
+
+     Ribton, Mr., Q.C., 50
+
+     Robertson, Patrick, Lord, 188
+
+     Roche, Sir Boyle, 133
+
+     Rodgers, Judge K., 241, 247
+
+     Romilly, Lord, 89
+
+     Rose, Sir George, 18
+
+     Ross, Charles, 159
+
+     Russell, Lord John, 42
+
+     Russell, Lord, of Killowen, 51
+
+     Rutherford, Lord, 189
+
+     Rutland, Earl of, 4
+
+     Ryder, Chief Justice, 9
+
+
+     Scarlett, Miss, 43
+
+     Scott, James, Q.C., 137
+
+     Scott, Sir Walter, 160, 199, 219
+
+     Shaftesbury, Lord, 6
+
+     Shand, Lord, 190, 191, 193
+
+     Shee, Mr., Q.C., 51
+
+     Sinclair, Sir John, 30
+
+     Sleigh, Warner, 83
+
+     Smith, Judge A., 241
+
+     Smith, F. E., 95
+
+     Speer, Judge Emery, 229
+
+     Stanley, Lord, 41
+
+     Stonefield, Lord, 157, 185
+
+     Strichen, Lord, 156
+
+     Sugden, Sir Edward, 39
+
+     Sullivan, Mr., 223
+
+     Sumner, Mr., 234
+
+     Swinton, Lord, 200
+
+
+     Taylor, Senator, 230
+
+     Tenterden, Lord, 25
+
+     Thomas, Serjeant, 73
+
+     Thomson, Baron, 34
+
+     Thorpe, W. G., 86
+
+     Thurlow, Lord, 10-13, 19, 20
+
+     Townshend, Lord, 110
+
+     Tunstal, Dr., 77
+
+
+     Warren, Samuel, 46, 83
+
+     Wauchope, Mr., of Niddrie, 186
+
+     Webster, Daniel, 227, 228
+
+     Wedderburn, Alexander (Lord Roslin), 7
+
+     Weldon, Mrs., 54
+
+     Weller, Mr., 107, 108
+
+     Westbury, Lord, 34, 35, 47
+
+     Wharton, Mr., 94
+
+     Whigham, Mr., 79
+
+     Wight, Alexander, 155
+
+     Wightman, Mr. Justice, 50
+
+     Wilkins, Serjeant, 6, 72, 73
+
+     Willes, Mr. Justice, 21, 49, 78
+
+     Williams, Montague, 49, 88
+
+     Wills, Mr. Justice, 38
+
+     Wirt, William, 227, 228
+
+
+     Yorke, Edward (Lord Hardewicke), 8
+
+     Young, Lord, 191-193
+
+
+
+
+SOME SCOTTISH BOOKS
+
+
+BOOK of EDINBURGH ANECDOTE
+
+By FRANCIS WATT. The stories in "The Book of Edinburgh Anecdote," good
+in themselves, illustrate in an interesting way bygone times. The
+heroics and the follies, the greatness and the littleness, the wit and
+humour of famous or even infamous citizens are presented in a lively
+manner. Even to those who know much about Edinburgh much will be fresh,
+for the material has been gathered from many and various, and not seldom
+obscure, sources. With thirty-two portraits in collotype and
+frontispiece in colour. 312 pp. Buckram, 5/- net; Leather, 7/6 net.
+
+
+BOOK of GLASGOW ANECDOTE
+
+By D. MACLEOD MALLOCH. This book is a storehouse of information
+regarding Glasgow, and is full of interesting and amusing stories of
+Church, University, medical, legal, municipal, and commercial life. No
+such collection of Glasgow anecdotes has hitherto appeared in any single
+volume; and their interest is such that this book should appeal not only
+to Glasgow people, but also to all who can appreciate good stories of
+professional and commercial life, and stories illustrative of Scottish
+character. With frontispiece in colour and thirty-five portraits in
+collotype. 400 pp. Buckram, 5/- net; Leather, 7/6 net.
+
+
+MARY QUEEN OF SCOTS
+
+By HILDA T. SKAE. This volume contains a compact account of the life of
+one of the most romantic figures in Scottish history. It contains
+sixteen illustrations in colour besides many portraits, and merely to
+turn them over is to gain a more living and reliable idea of the course
+of her tragic life, and of the characters of those who surrounded her,
+than the most careful of historical descriptions. The very actors and
+actresses move before the reader's eyes; and their stories, ceasing to
+be distant traditions, are seen to concern the movements, hesitations,
+half-hopes, and human impulses of people strangely like ourselves. 224
+pp. Buckram, 5/- net; Velvet Persian, 7/6 net.
+
+
+R. L. STEVENSON: MEMORIES
+
+Being twenty-five illustrations, reproduced from photographs, of Robert
+Louis Stevenson, his homes and his haunts, many of these reproduced for
+the first time. A booklet for every Stevenson lover. In Japon vellum
+covers, 1/- net; bound in Japanese vellum, with illustrations mounted,
+2/6 net.
+
+
+T·N·FOULIS·PUBLISHER
+
+
+
+
+BOOKS TO ENTERTAIN
+
+
+THE LIGHTER SIDE OF IRISH LIFE
+
+By GEORGE A. BIRMINGHAM. Its title suggests unbridled jocularity--and it
+is in fact full of inimitable fun; but there is a basis of solid thought
+and sympathy to all the mirth. While replenishing the common stock of
+Irish stories, Mr Birmingham adjusts our conception of the race. Mr
+Kerr's sixteen illustrations in colour form a gallery of genre studies,
+sympathetic and yet sincere, that allows us to look with our own eyes
+upon Ireland as she really is to-day. 288 pp. Buckram, 5/- net. Velvet
+Persian, 7/6 net.
+
+
+IRISH LIFE & CHARACTER
+
+By Mrs S. C. HALL. "Tales of Irish Life" will remind the reader more of
+Lever or Sam Lover than of "Lavengro." It is effervescent and audacious,
+ringing with all the fun of the fair, and spiced with the constant
+presence of a vivacious and irresistible personality. The sixteen
+illustrations by Erskine Nicol are in precisely the same vein, matching
+Mrs Hall's sketches so manifestly that it is strange they have never
+been united before. To look at them is to laugh. 330 pp. Buckram,
+5/- net. Velvet Persian, 7/6 net.
+
+
+LORD COCKBURN'S MEMORIALS
+
+"This volume," says _The Saturday Review_, "is one of the most
+entertaining books a reader could lay his hands on." "The book," says
+_The Edinburgh Review_, "is one of the pleasantest fireside volumes that
+has ever been published." Cockburn's pen could tell a tale as well as
+his tongue, and to read this book is to sit, unobserved, at that
+immortal Round Table, with anecdote and reminiscence in full tide. With
+twelve portraits in colour by Sir Henry Raeburn, and other
+illustrations. Extra Crown 8vo. 480 pp. Buckram, 6/- net.
+
+
+AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF CARLYLE OF INVERESK (1722-1805)
+
+Edited by J. HILL BURTON. "He was the grandest demi-god I ever saw,"
+wrote Sir Walter Scott of the author of this book. But, as these Memoirs
+show, he was a demi-god with a very human heart,--or, at any rate, a
+"divine" with a thorough knowledge of the world. It was probably these
+qualities that made him such a prominent figure in his day, and it is
+certainly these that give his Recollections their unique importance and
+raciness. They provide "by far the most vivid picture of Scottish life
+and manners that has been given to the world since Scott's day." This
+edition has been equipped with a series of thirty-six portraits
+reproduced in photogravure of the chief personages who move in its
+pages. 612 pp. Buckram, 6/- net.
+
+
+T·N·FOULIS·PUBLISHER
+
+
+
+
+SOME ENGLISH BOOKS
+
+
+THE ENGLISH CHARACTER
+
+By SPENCER LEIGH HUGHES, M.P., _Sub-Rosa_ of the _Daily News and
+Leader_. Although his pen has probably covered more pages than Balzac's,
+this is the first time _Sub-Rosa_ has really "turned author." The charm
+and penetration of the result suggest that his readers will never allow
+him to turn back again. He is a born essayist, but he has, in addition,
+the breadth and generosity that journalism alone can give a man. The
+combination gives a kind of golden gossip--criticism without acrimony,
+fooling without folly. The work contains sixteen pictures in colour of
+English types by Frederick Gardner. 300 pp. Buckram, 5/- net. Leather,
+7/6 net.
+
+
+ENGLISH COUNTRY LIFE
+
+By WALTER RAYMOND. Mr Raymond is our modern Gilbert White; and many of
+the chapters have a thread of whimsical drama and delicious humour which
+will remind the reader of "The Window in Thrums." It is a book of
+happiness and peace. It is as fragrant as lavender or new-mown hay, and
+as wholesome as curds and cream. With sixteen illustrations in colour by
+Wilfrid Ball, R. E. 462 pp. Buckram, 5/- net. Leather, 7/6 net.
+
+
+ENGLISH LIFE & CHARACTER
+
+By MARY MITFORD. Done with a delicate Dutch fidelity, these little prose
+pastorals of Miss Mitford's would live were they purely imaginary--so
+perfect is their finish, so tender and joyous their touch. But they
+have, in addition, the virtue of being entirely faithful pictures of
+English village life as it was at the time they were written. With
+sixteen illustrations in colour by Stanhope Forbes, R.A. 350 pp.
+Buckram, 5/- net. Leather, 7/6 net.
+
+
+THE RIVER OF LONDON
+
+By HILAIRE BELLOC. Everybody who has read the "Path to Rome" will learn
+with gladness that Mr Hilaire Belloc has written another book in the
+same sunny temper, dealing with the oldest highway in Britain. It is a
+subject that brings into play all those high faculties which make Mr
+Belloc the most genuine man of letters now alive. The record of the
+journey makes one of the most exhilarating books of our time, and the
+series of Mr Muirhead's sixteen pictures painted for this book sets the
+glittering river itself flowing swiftly past before the eye. 200 pp.
+Buckram, 5/- net. Leather, 7/6 net.
+
+
+T·N·FOULIS·PUBLISHER
+
+
+
+
+SOME LITERARY BOOKS
+
+
+THE DICKENS ORIGINALS
+
+By EDWIN PUGH. A very large proportion of Dickens' characters had their
+living prototypes among his contemporaries and acquaintances. In this
+book the author has traced these prototypes, has made original
+researches resulting in the discovery of several new and hitherto
+unsuspected identities, and has given particulars of all of them. With
+thirty portraits of "originals." Extra Cr. 8vo, 400 pp. 6/- net. A book
+for every Dickens lover.
+
+
+THE R. L. STEVENSON ORIGINALS
+
+By E. BLANTYRE SIMPSON. The author has an unequalled knowledge of the
+fortunate Edinburgh circle who knew their R.L.S. long before the rest of
+the world; and she has been enabled to collect a volume of fresh
+_Stevensoniana_, of unrecorded adventures and personal reminiscences,
+which will prove inestimably precious to all lovers of the man and his
+work. The illustrations are of peculiar importance as the publisher has
+been privileged to reproduce a series of portraits and pictures of the
+rarest interest to accompany the text. Four portraits in colour,
+twenty-five in collotype and several letters in facsimile. Extra Cr.
+8vo, 260 pp. Buckram, 6/- net.
+
+
+THE SCOTT ORIGINALS
+
+By W. S. CROCKETT. The actual drovers and dominies, ladies and lairds,
+whom Sir Walter used as his models, figure here, living their own richly
+characteristic and romantic lives with unabated picturesqueness. Mr
+Crockett's identifications are all based on strict evidence, the result
+is that we are given a kind of flowing sequel to the novels, containing
+situations, dialogues, anecdotes, and adventures not included in the
+books. The forty-four illustrations comprise many contemporary
+portraits, including Baron Bradwardine, Pleydell, Davie Gellatley, Hugh
+Redgauntlet, Dugald Dalgetty, and others. 448 pp. Buckram, 6/- net.
+
+
+THE FOOTSTEPS OF SCOTT
+
+By W. S. CROCKETT. Now that Mr Andrew Lang has left us, Mr Crockett has
+probably no equal in his knowledge of the Border country and its
+literature, or in his affectionate acquaintance with the life of Sir
+Walter. The illustrations are from water-colours specially painted by
+Tom Scott, R.S.A. They show his art at its best. 230 pp. Buckram, 3/6
+net.
+
+
+T·N·FOULIS·PUBLISHER
+
+
+
+
+SOME SCOTTISH BOOKS
+
+
+THE KIRK & ITS WORTHIES
+
+By NICHOLAS DICKSON and D. MACLEOD MALLOCH. Our Scottish kirk has a
+great reputation for dourness--but it has probably kindled more humour
+than it ever quenched. The pulpits have inevitably been filled by a race
+of men disproportionately rich in "characters," originals, worthies with
+a gift for pungent expression and every opportunity for developing it.
+There is a fund of good stories here which forms a worthy sequel to Dean
+Ramsay's Reminiscences and a living history of an old-world life. The
+illustrations consist of sixteen reproductions in colour of paintings by
+eminent Scottish artists. The frontispiece is the famous painting "The
+Ordination of Elders." 340 pp. Buckram, 5/- net; Leather, 7/6 net.
+
+
+SCOTTISH LIFE & CHARACTER
+
+By DEAN RAMSAY. The Reminiscences of Dean Ramsay are a kind of literary
+haggis; and no dish better deserves to be worthily served up. "Next to
+the Waverley Novels," says a chief authority, "it has done more than any
+other book to make Scottish customs, phrases, and traits of character
+familiar to Englishmen at home and abroad." Mr Henry W. Kerr's
+illustrations provide a fitting crown to the feast. These pictures of
+characteristic Scottish scenes and Scottish faces give colour to the
+pen-and-ink descriptions, and bring out the full flavour of the text.
+390 pp. Buckram, 5/- net; Leather, 7/6 net.
+
+
+ANNALS OF THE PARISH
+
+By JOHN GALT. The dry humour and whimsical sweetness of John Galt's
+masterpiece need no description at this time of day--it is one of those
+books, full of "the birr and sneddum that is the juice and flavour" of
+life itself, which, like good wines, are the better for long keeping. It
+was the first "kail-yard" to be planted in Scottish letters, and it is
+still the most fertile. The volume contains sixteen of Mr Kerr's
+water-colours, reproduced in colour. 316 pp. Buckram, 5/- net; Leather,
+7/6 net.
+
+
+MANSIE WAUCH
+
+By D. M. MOIR. This edition of the book, which has been designed as a
+companion volume to "The Annals," contains sixteen illustrations in
+colour by C. Martin Hardie, R.S.A. Moir was one of John Galt's chief
+friends, and, like a good comrade, he brought out a rival book. Its
+native blitheness and its racy use of the vernacular will always keep it
+alive. 360 pp. Buckram, 5/- net; Velvet Persian, 7/6 net.
+
+
+T·N·FOULIS·PUBLISHER
+
+
+
+
+PRESENTATION VOLUMES
+
+
+THE MASTER MUSICIANS
+
+By J. CUTHBERT HADDEN. A book for players, singers, and listeners, and
+although the work of an enthusiastic and discerning musician, it deals
+with the men rather than their compositions. There is an abundance of
+good anecdote, and personal foibles are not bowdlerised; but the
+author's taste is perfect and his attitude is frankly one of human
+sympathy. With fifteen illustrations. 320 pp. Buckram, 3/6 net. Velvet
+Persian and boxed, 5/- net.
+
+
+THE MASTER PAINTERS
+
+By STEWART DICK. Mr Dick's book is an attempt to compress the cardinal
+facts and episodes in the lives of the world's greatest painters into a
+series of swift dramatic chapters. The lives of the world's great
+artists are often more picturesque than their pictures. With many
+illustrations. 270 pp. Buckram, 3/6 net. Velvet Persian and boxed,
+5/- net.
+
+
+ARTS & CRAFTS OF OLD JAPAN
+
+By STEWART DICK. "We know of no book," says _The Literary World_, "that
+within such modest limits contrives to convey so much trustworthy
+information on Japanese art." The author and publisher have had the
+generous co-operation of many famous collectors, and the thirty
+illustrations include many exquisite reproductions of some of the most
+perfect kakemonos in Europe. Buckram, 5/- net.
+
+
+ARTS & CRAFTS OF ANCIENT EGYPT
+
+By Professor W. M. FLINDERS PETRIE. Containing one hundred and forty
+illustrations. Small quarto. 228 pp. Buckram, 5/- net. _Second edition_.
+"We cannot speak too highly of the book, so full and so conveniently
+displayed is the knowledge which it contains." _Westminster Gazette._
+
+
+THE WILD FLOWERS
+
+By J. L. CRAWFORD. This book forms a guide to the commoner wild flowers
+of the countryside. It treats flowers as living things. Its special
+charm resides in its sixteen illustrations, in colour, of some of the
+most delicate flower-studies ever painted by Mr Edwin Alexander: whose
+work in this kind is famous throughout Europe. 282 pp. Buckram, 5/- net;
+Velvet Persian, 7/6 net.
+
+
+T·N·FOULIS·PUBLISHER
+
+
+
+
+VOLUMES OF POEMS
+
+
+SONGS OF THE WORLD
+
+As arranged in the volume The Songs of Lady Nairne form a precious
+anthology of old favourites, a souvenir rich in special associations.
+The Foulis _Fergusson_ is illustrated in a new, and, it is thought, a
+welcome way. The result is a volume of rare completeness, with every
+detail as perfect and appropriate as careful thought could achieve. The
+cream of Hogg's poetry is in the third volume, which will appeal to all
+who are in search of a beautiful edition of the work of Scotland's
+famous peasant-poet. Each has illustrations in colour by well-known
+artists. In Boards, 2/6 net; Velvet Persian, 3/6 net.
+
+     1. SONGS OF LADY NAIRNE
+     2. THE SCOTS POEMS OF ROBERT FERGUSSON
+     3. SONGS & POEMS OF THE ETTRICK SHEPHERD
+
+
+SONGS & POEMS OF BURNS
+
+Complete edition, with introductory appreciation by The Earl of
+Rosebery. This edition is one of the most beautiful books ever produced
+in Scotland. It is printed on antique paper of special quality, with
+rubricated initials and spacious margins. The forty-six illustrations in
+colour are unique in their scope, being the work exclusively of the
+foremost Scottish artists. Readers, therefore, when they read the poems
+here will be enabled to see the characters created in words by one
+dreamer, taking graphic shape and form, in colour and line, in the
+responsive vision of another. The binding of the book is russet Scottish
+buckram; and it is specially worthy of notice in this instance that
+every detail is the work of Scottish craftsmen. Quarto, 660 pp. Printed
+in fine Rag paper, and bound in buckram, 10/6 net. Bound in the finest
+Vellum, 21/- net.
+
+
+POEMS OF ADAM LINDSAY GORDON
+
+Adam Lindsay Gordon is generally called the Byron of Australia. But he
+played far more parts than Byron, and crowded more genuine romance into
+his tragic life than even the sixth Baron of Rochdale. In "The Sick
+Stock Rider" he reproduces the colonial bush as keenly as Kipling
+reproduces India. His "How we Beat the Favourite" is the finest ballad
+of the turf in the language. He is, above everything, the sportsman's
+poet. This edition contains twelve stirring illustrations in colour by
+Captain G. D. Giles. 336 pages. Buckram, 5/- net. Bound in Velvet
+Persian, 7/6 net.
+
+
+T·N·FOULIS·PUBLISHER
+
+
+
+
+PRESENTATION VOLUMES
+
+
+FRIENDSHIP BOOKS
+
+Printed in two colours, and in attractive bindings, 2/6 net; bound in
+finest Velvet Persian, 3/6 net.
+
+Half-crown volumes designed specially to meet the requirements of
+book-lovers in search of appropriate yet distinctive souvenirs. Each
+volume has its own individuality in coloured illustrations and the
+effect is aristocratic and exclusive.
+
+     RUBÁIYÁT OF OMAR KHAYYÁM
+     With eight illustrations in colour by F. BRANGWYN, R.A.
+
+     THE GIFT OF FRIENDSHIP
+     Illustrations in colour by H. C. PRESTON MACGOUN. 270 pp.
+
+     THE DREAM OF GERONTIUS
+     By CARDINAL NEWMAN. Illustrations by R. T. ROSE.
+
+     THE GIFT OF LOVE
+     The noblest passages in literature dealing with love. 156 pp.
+
+     SAPPHO, QUEEN OF SONG
+     A selection from her love poems by J. R. TUTIN.
+
+     AUCASSIN & NICOLETTE
+     With introduction by F. W. BOURDILLON.
+
+     THE CHARM OF LIFE
+     With illustrations by FREDERICK GARDNER.
+
+     THE BOOK OF GOOD FRIENDSHIP
+     With illus. by H. C. PRESTON MACGOUN, R.S.W. 132 pp.
+
+
+THE GARDEN LOVER'S BOOKS
+
+Printed in two colours, and in attractive bindings, 2/6 net; bound in
+finest Velvet Persian, 3/6 net. The appearance of these books alone
+confers distinction; ungrudging care has been lavished on their
+production from the choice of type to the colour of the silk markers.
+They make ideal gifts for anyone to whom gardens appeal.
+
+     A BOOK OF GARDENS
+     Illustrated by MARGARET H. WATERFIELD. 140 pp.
+
+     A BOOK OF OLD-WORLD GARDENS
+     With eight illus. in colour by BEATRICE PARSONS. 122 pp.
+
+     GARDEN MEMORIES
+     With eight illus. in colour by MARY G. W. WILSON. 120 pp.
+
+
+T·N·FOULIS·PUBLISHER
+
+
+
+
+ILLUSTRATED VOLUMES
+
+
+THE CITIES SERIES
+
+     In Japon vellum covers, 1/- net; bound in Japanese Vellum, with
+     illustrations mounted, 2/6 net.
+
+     1. A LITTLE BOOK OF LONDON
+        25 DRAWINGS BY JOSEPH PENNELL.
+
+     2. THE GREAT NEW YORK
+        24 DRAWINGS IN PHOTOGRAVURE BY JOSEPH PENNELL.
+
+        These reproductions of the 49 etchings in which he has
+        registered the aspect of contemporary London and New York
+        are among the most brilliant and incisive of Mr Pennell's
+        contributions to art.
+
+     3. THE CITY OF THE WEST
+        24 DRAWINGS IN PHOTOGRAVURE BY JESSIE M. KING.
+
+        Miss Jessie M. King's twenty-four drawings of its duskier
+        corners bring out an endearing side of the character of old
+        Glasgow.
+
+     4. THE GREY CITY OF THE NORTH
+        24 DRAWINGS BY JESSIE M. KING.
+
+        This collection of her work consists of a series of
+        portraits of the Old Town of Edinburgh, their haunting
+        delicacy and gnomish charm.
+
+     5. R. L. STEVENSON: MEMORIES
+
+        These twenty-five photographs from a private collection
+        depict R. L. S., his father, his mother, his wife, his old
+        nurse, his successive homes in Scotland and Samoa, the
+        cottage at Swanston where he spent his holidays as a boy as
+        well as that last resting-place on the summit of Vaea,
+        which the natives call the shrine of Tusitala.
+
+
+MANNERS & CUSTOMS OF YE ENGLYSHE
+
+49 drawings by Richard Doyle, with letterpress by Percival Leigh. By far
+the best of Doyle's drawings were those which appeared in "Punch" under
+the title of "Manners and Customs of Ye Englishe." His sense of humour
+was as sturdy as his draughtsmanship was delicate and the union is
+comedy exquisite.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE SERVILE STATE
+
+By HILAIRE BELLOC. The Servile State is a study of the tendency of
+modern legislation in industrial society and particularly in England not
+towards Socialism but towards the establishment of two legally separate
+classes, one a small class in possession of the means of production, the
+other a much larger class subjected to compulsory labour under the
+guarantee of a legal sufficiency to maintain themselves. The result of
+such an establishment and the forces working for and against it, as well
+as the remedies are fully discussed. 234 pp. Cr. 8vo Boards, 1/- net.
+Buckram, 2/6 net.
+
+
+T·N·FOULIS·PUBLISHER
+
+
+
+
+PRESENTATION VOLUMES
+
+
+NELL GWYN
+
+By CECIL CHESTERTON. The author has carried out the task entrusted to
+him with an admirable clearness and impartiality. The book is richly
+illustrated; the many portraits reflect the impudent, infamous,
+irresistible child-face in all its enchanting phases. Twenty
+illustrations--four in colour. 232 pp. Buckram, 5/- net. Velvet Persian
+and boxed, 7/6 net.
+
+
+LADY HAMILTON
+
+By E. HALLAM MOORHOUSE. "Out of all the vicissitudes of her
+extraordinary life she snatched one lasting triumph--her name spells
+beauty." The many fine portraits in this work demonstrate, as words can
+never do, that extraordinary nobility of temperament which was the main
+characteristic of Nelson's Cleopatra. Twenty-three illustrations--four
+in colour. 236 pp. Buckram, 5/- net. Velvet Persian and boxed, 7/6 net.
+
+
+MARIE ANTOINETTE
+
+By FRANCIS BICKLEY. A picturesque but restrained book. The illustrations
+are all reproductions of portraits. They prove, once more, the power
+which contemporary paintings have of making history intimate and real.
+Twenty illustrations--four in colour. 204 pp. Buckram, 5/- net. Velvet
+Persian and boxed, 7/6 net.
+
+
+PRINCE CHARLIE
+
+By WILLIAM POWER. It is curious to see how profoundly lives in
+themselves so ill-fated have the power to encourage and stimulate the
+reader. Few figures are more real than The Pretender's. His sufferings
+have been turned into songs and great stories; his old calamities are
+our present consolation. This volume contains reproduction in colour of
+sixteen Jacobite pictures and seven portraits in collotype. 200 pp. In
+Buckram, 5/- net; Velvet Persian, 7/6 net.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+RUBÁIYÁT OF OMAR KHAYYÁM
+
+Illus. by FRANK BRANGWYN, R.A. The sumptuous virility of the artist's
+work is specially suitable for the purpose of sustaining and emphasising
+that element of lofty sensuousness of the whole impassioned song. With
+eight illustrations in colour. 120 pp. Buckram, 3/6 net. Velvet Persian
+and boxed, 5/- net.
+
+T·N·FOULIS·PUBLISHER
+
+
+
+
+SOME FOULIS BOOKLETS
+
+
+MAXIMS OF LIFE SERIES
+
+A set of miniature volumes, exquisitely produced, designed to hold the
+essence of the wisdom of some of the world's keenest intelligences. The
+_Napoleon_ volume, for instance, thus contains the essential creed of
+the man who towered above his time like a Colossus. That of _Madame de
+Sévigné_, again, holds the attar of an intellect that dazzled the most
+brilliant court of France. In the _La Rochefoucauld_ is the essence of
+the worldly wisdom of one of the cleverest judges of men and things. And
+the _George Sand_ preserves the private philosophy which a passionate
+woman slowly distilled as she made her stormy pilgrimage through life.
+Each of these volumes, which contain illustrations in line and colour,
+is a slender casket of jewels. In decorative wrapper, 6d. net. Bound in
+Velvet Persian Yapp, 1/- net; also in Japon Vellum, 1/- net. 120 pp.
+
+     1. NAPOLEON
+     2. MADAME DE SÉVIGNÉ
+     3. LA ROCHEFOUCAULD
+     4. GEORGE SAND
+     5. NIETZSCHE
+
+
+LES PETITS LIVRES D'OR
+
+The minted gold of French verse and prose has been packed away here and
+there are few of the French wits and poets whose works have not been
+rifled for these charming booklets. Not even in Paris, the home of
+_chic_, has anything of the sort been seen before. In designed covers,
+each illustrated in colour, 6d. net. In Velvet Persian, 1/- net.
+
+     1. UN PETIT LIVRE D'AMOUR
+     2. UN PETIT LIVRE D'AMITIÉ
+     3. UN PETIT LIVRE DE SAGESSE
+     4. AUCASSIN ET NICOLETTE
+
+
+DIE ROSEN VOM PARNASS
+
+These are the German equivalents of the Foulis French _petits_, and,
+like the latter, they have created a small _furore_ on the Continent.
+The delicately reproduced "full-page" illustrations are, once more, the
+work of some of the most distinguished Scottish and English painters. In
+designed covers, each illustrated in colour, 6d. net. In Velvet Persian,
+1/- net.
+
+     1. LIEDER VON HEINE
+     2. DEUTSCHE LIEBESLIEDER
+     3. FREUNDSCHAFTSLIEDER
+     4. WANDERLIEDER
+
+
+T·N·FOULIS·PUBLISHER
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber's Note:
+
+Illustration captions have been moved slightly to coincide with the
+mention of the person named in the caption.
+
+This book includes a lot of dialect, which often looks misspelled but
+was intentionally written that way. Therefore, some irregularities that
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Law and Laughter, by 
+George Alexander Morton and Donald Macleod Malloch
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Law and Laughter
+
+Author: George Alexander Morton
+        Donald Macleod Malloch
+
+Release Date: September 16, 2009 [EBook #30003]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LAW AND LAUGHTER ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Bryan Ness, Rose Acquavella and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  LAW AND LAUGHTER
+
+
+  BY GEORGE A. MORTON
+  AND D. MACLEOD MALLOCH
+
+
+  ILLUSTRATED WITH PORTRAITS OF
+  EMINENT MEMBERS OF BENCH & BAR
+
+
+  T. N. FOULIS
+  LONDON & EDINBURGH
+  1913
+
+
+
+  _Published October 1913_
+
+
+  Printed by BALLANTYNE, HANSON & CO.
+  at the Ballantyne Press, Edinburgh
+
+
+
+
+  TO
+  THE MEMORY OF
+  D. MACLEOD MALLOCH
+
+
+
+
+    "As crafty lawyers to acquire applause
+    Try various arts to get a double cause,
+    So does an author, rummaging his brain,
+    By various methods, try to entertain."
+
+    PASQUIN.
+
+
+
+
+PREFACE
+
+
+The scope of this volume is indicated by its title--a presentation of
+the lighter side of law, as it is exhibited from time to time in the
+witty remarks, repartees, and _bon mots_ of the Bench and Bar of Great
+Britain, Ireland, and America. The idea of presenting such a collection
+of legal _faceti�_ originated with the late Mr. D. Macleod Malloch, and
+it is greatly to be regretted that by his untimely death, his share of
+the work had reached the stage of selecting only about one-half of the
+material included in the book. His knowledge of law, and his wide
+reading in legal biography, was such as would have increased
+considerably the value of this volume.
+
+In addition to sources which are acknowledged in the text, I have to
+mention contributions drawn from the following works: W. D. Adams'
+_Modern Anecdotes_; W. Andrews' _The Lawyer in History, Literature and
+Humour_; Croake James's _Curiosities of Law_; F. R. O'Flanagan's _The
+Irish Bar_; and A. Engelbach's comprehensive and entertaining _Anecdotes
+of the Bench and Bar_. I am further indebted to Sir James Balfour Paul,
+Lyon King of Arms, for permission to include "The Circuiteer's Lament,"
+from the privately printed volume _Ballads of the Bench and Bar_, and to
+the editor of the _Edinburgh Evening Dispatch_ for a number of the more
+recent anecdotes in the Scottish chapters of the book.
+
+     GEO. A. MORTON.
+
+
+
+
+       LIST OF CONTENTS
+
+
+    I. THE JUDGES OF ENGLAND        PAGE 3
+
+   II. THE BARRISTERS OF ENGLAND        67
+
+  III. THE JUDGES OF IRELAND           107
+
+   IV. THE BARRISTERS OF IRELAND       127
+
+    V. THE JUDGES OF SCOTLAND          153
+
+   VI. THE ADVOCATES OF SCOTLAND       199
+
+  VII. THE AMERICAN BENCH AND BAR      223
+
+
+
+
+  LIST OF PORTRAITS
+
+
+  LORD THURLOW                                  _Frontispiece_
+
+    _From a painting by Thomas Phillips, R.A.
+    By permission of the Trustees of the National Portrait
+    Gallery._
+
+  EARL OF ROSSLYN                                     _Page_ 8
+
+  EARL OF MANSFIELD                                         16
+
+  EARL OF ELDON                                             20
+
+    _By permission of the Trustees of the Scottish National
+    Portrait Gallery._
+
+  LORD KENYON                                               24
+
+  LORD ERSKINE                                              32
+
+  LORD WESTBURY                                             36
+
+  LORD BROUGHAM                                             40
+
+  LORD CAMPBELL                                             44
+
+    _By permission of the Trustees of the National Portrait
+    Gallery, and Mr. Emery Walker._
+
+  LORD CHELMSFORD                                           48
+
+  SIR ALEXANDER COCKBURN                                    52
+
+    _By permission of Harry A. Cockburn, Esq._
+
+  LORD BRAMPTON (SIR HENRY HAWKINS)                         56
+
+  THE HON. MR. JUSTICE DARLING                              60
+
+    _From a photograph by C. Vandyk._
+
+  SIR SAMUEL MARTIN                                         64
+
+  THE HON. MR. JUSTICE GRANTHAM                             72
+
+    _From a photograph by Elliott & Fry, Ltd._
+
+  JOHN ADOLPHUS                                             76
+
+  SAMUEL WARREN, Q.C.                                       80
+
+  LORD ROMILLY                                              88
+
+  SERJEANT TALFOURD                                         96
+
+  VISCOUNT CARLETON                                        112
+
+    _By permission of the Trustees of the Scottish National
+    Portrait Gallery._
+
+  JOHN P. CURRAN                                           128
+
+    _By permission of the Trustees of the Scottish National
+    Portrait Gallery._
+
+  DANIEL O'CONNELL                                         144
+
+    _By permission of the Trustees of the Scottish National
+    Portrait Gallery._
+
+  LORD NEWTON                                              156
+
+  LORD ESKGROVE                                            160
+
+  LORD KAMES                                               164
+
+  LORD ELDIN                                               168
+
+  LORD COCKBURN                                            176
+
+  LORD BRAXFIELD                                           184
+
+    _By permission of the Trustees of the Scottish National
+    Portrait Gallery._
+
+  LORD YOUNG                                               192
+
+    _From a photograph by T. & R. Annan & Sons._
+
+  THE HON. HENRY ERSKINE                                   200
+
+    _By permission of the Trustees of the Scottish National
+    Portrait Gallery._
+
+  ANDREW CROSBIE                                           208
+
+    _By permission of the Faculty of Advocates._
+
+  THEOPHILUS PARSONS                                       224
+
+  RUFUS CHOATE                                             232
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER ONE
+
+THE JUDGES OF ENGLAND
+
+
+    "The man resolv'd and steady to his trust,
+    Inflexible to ill, and obstinately just,
+    May the rude rabble's insolence despise,
+    Their senseless clamours, and tumultuous cries;
+    The tyrant's fierceness he beguiles,
+    And the stern brow, and the harsh voice defies,
+    And with superior greatness smiles."
+
+    HORACE: _Odes_.
+
+
+    "The charge is prepared, the lawyers are set;
+    The judges are ranged, a terrible show."
+
+    _Beggar's Opera._
+
+
+
+
+  LAW AND LAUGHTER
+  BY GEORGE A. MORTON
+  AND D. MACLEOD MALLOCH
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER ONE
+
+THE JUDGES OF ENGLAND
+
+
+Mr. Justice Darling, whose witty remarks from the Bench are so much
+appreciated by his audiences in Court, and, it is rumoured, are not
+always received with approval by his brother judges, says, in his
+amusing book _Scintill� Juris_:
+
+"It is a common error to suppose that our law has no sense of humour,
+because for the most part the judges who expound it have none."
+
+But law is, after all, a serious business--at any rate for the
+litigants--and it would appear also for the attorneys, for while
+witticisms of the Bench and Bar abound, very few are recorded of the
+attorney and his client. "Law is law" wrote the satirist who decided not
+to adopt it as a profession. "Law is like a country dance; people are
+led up and down in it till they are tired. Law is like a book of
+surgery--there are a great many terrible cases in it. It is also like
+physic--they who take least of it are best off. Law is like a homely
+gentlewoman--very well to follow. Law is like a scolding wife--very bad
+when it follows us. Law is like a new fashion--people are bewitched to
+get into it. It is also like bad weather--most people are glad when they
+get out of it."
+
+From very early times there have appeared on the Bench expounders of the
+law who by the phrase "for the most part" must be acquitted of Mr.
+Justice Darling's charge of having no sense of humour; judges who, like
+himself, have lightened the otherwise dreary routine of duty by
+pleasantries which in no way interfered with the course of justice. One
+of the earliest of our witty judges, whose brilliant sayings have come
+down to us, was Henry VIII's Lord Chancellor, Sir Thomas More, who lost
+his head because he would not acknowledge his king as head of the
+Church. To Sir Thomas Manners, Earl of Rutland, who had made a somewhat
+insolent remark, the Lord Chancellor quietly replied, 'Honores mutant
+mores'--Honours change manners. Sir Thomas's humour was what may be
+called _quiet_, because its effect did not immediately show itself in
+boisterous merriment, but would undoubtedly remain long in the
+remembrance of those to whom it was addressed. Made with as much
+courtesy as irony, is it likely his keeper in the Tower would ever
+forget his remark? "Assure yourself I do not dislike my cheer; but
+whenever I do, then spare not to thrust me out of your doors." Nor did
+his quaint humour desert him at the scaffold: "Master Lieutenant," said
+he, "I pray you see me safe up; for my coming down let me shift for
+myself." Even with his head on the block he could not resist a humorous
+remark, when putting aside his beard he said to the executioner, "Wait,
+my good friend, till I have removed my beard, for it has never offended
+his highness."
+
+Another judge of the sixteenth century, Sir Nicholas Bacon, who
+resembled Sir Thomas More in the gentleness of his happiest speeches,
+could also on occasion exhibit an unnecessary coarseness in his jocular
+retorts. A circuit story is told of him in which a convicted felon named
+Hog appealed for remission of his sentence on the ground that he was
+related to his lordship. "Nay, my friend," replied the judge, "you and I
+cannot be kindred except you be hanged, for hog is not bacon until it be
+well hung." This retort was not quite so coarse as that attributed to
+the Scottish judge, Lord Kames, two centuries later, who on sentencing
+to death a man with whom he had often played chess and very frequently
+been beaten, added after the solemn words of doom, "And noo, Matthew,
+ye'll admit that's checkmate for you."
+
+To Lord Chancellor Hatton, also an Elizabethan judge who aimed at
+sprightliness on the Bench, a clever _mot_ is attributed. The case
+before him was one concerning the limits of certain land. The counsel
+having remarked with emphasis, 'We lie on this side, my lord,' and the
+opposing counsel with equal vehemence having interposed, 'And we lie on
+this side, my lord'--the Lord Chancellor dryly observed, "If you lie on
+both sides, whom am I to believe?" It would seem that punning was as
+great a power in the Law Courts of that time as it is at the present
+day. When Egerton as Master of the Rolls was asked to commit a
+cause--refer it to a Master in Chancery--he would reply, "What has the
+cause done that it should be committed?"
+
+Many witticisms of Westminster Hall, attributed to barristers of the
+Georgian and Victorian periods, are traceable to a much earlier date.
+There is the story of Serjeant Wilkins, whose excuse for drinking a pot
+of stout at mid-day was, that he wanted to fuddle his brain down to the
+intellectual standard of a British jury. Two hundred and fifty years
+earlier, Sir John Millicent, a Cambridgeshire judge, on being asked how
+he got on with his brother judges replied, "Why, i' faithe, I have no
+way but to drink myself down to the capacity of the Bench." And this
+merry thought has also been attributed to one eminent barrister who
+became Lord Chancellor, and to more than one Scottish advocate who
+ultimately attained to a seat on the Bench.
+
+And to various celebrities of the later Georgian period has been
+attributed Lord Shaftesbury's reply to Charles II. When the king
+exclaimed, "Shaftesbury, you are the most profligate man in my
+dominions," the Chancellor answered somewhat recklessly, "Of a subject,
+sir, I believe I am."
+
+Bullying witnesses is an old practice of the Bar, but for instances of
+it emanating from the Bench one has to go very far back. A witness with
+a long beard was giving evidence that was displeasing to Jeffreys, when
+judge, who said: "If your conscience is as large as your beard, you'll
+swear anything." The old man retorted: "My lord, if your lordship
+measures consciences by beards, your lordship has none at all."
+
+A somewhat similar story of Jeffreys' bullying manner, when at the Bar,
+is that of his cross-examining a witness in a leathern doublet, who had
+made out a complete case against his client. Jeffreys shouted: "You
+fellow in the leathern doublet, pray what have you for swearing?" The
+man looked steadily at him, and "Truly, sir," said he, "if you have no
+more for lying than I have for swearing, you might wear a leathern
+doublet as well as I."
+
+Instances of disrespect to the Bench are rarely met with in early as
+happily in later days. There is, perhaps, the most flagrant example of
+young Wedderburn in the Scottish Court of Session, when with dramatic
+effect he threw off his gown and declared he would never enter the Court
+again; but he rose to be Lord Chancellor of England. Scarcely less
+disrespectful (but not said openly to the Bench) was young Edward Hyde
+when hinting that the death of judges was of small moment compared with
+his chances of preferment. "Our best news," he wrote to a friend, "is
+that we have good wine abundantly come over; our worst that the plague
+is in town, _and no judges die_."
+
+[Illustration: ALEXANDER WEDDERBURN, EARL OF ROSSLYN, LORD CHANCELLOR.]
+
+In squabbles between the Bench and the Bar there are few stories that
+match for personality the retort of a counsel to Lord Fortescue. His
+lordship was disfigured by a purple nose of abnormal growth.
+Interrupting counsel one day with the observation: "Brother, brother,
+you are handling the case in a very lame manner," the angry counsel
+calmly retorted, "Pardon me, my lord; have patience with me and I will
+do my best to make the case as plain as--as--the nose on your lordship's
+face." Nor did the retort of an Attorney-General to a judge, after a
+warm discussion on a point which the latter claimed to decide, show much
+respect for the Bench. The judge closed the argument with "I ruled so
+and so."--"_You_ ruled," muttered the Attorney-General. "_You_ ruled!
+You were never fit to rule anything but a copy-book."
+
+Verse has been used as a medium of much amusing legal wit and humour,
+although law and law cases do not offer very easy subjects for turning
+into rhyme. But a good illustration is afforded by Mr. Justice Powis,
+who had a habit of repeating the phrase, "Look, do you see," and "I
+humbly conceive." At York Assize Court on one occasion he said to Mr.
+Yorke, afterwards Lord Hardwicke, "Mr. Yorke, I understand you are going
+to publish a poetical version of 'Coke upon Lyttelton.' Will you
+favour me with a specimen?"--"Certainly, my lord," replied the
+barrister, who thereupon gravely recited:
+
+      "He that holdeth his lands in fee
+        Need neither shake nor shiver,
+      I humbly conceive, for, look, do you see,
+        They are his and his heirs for ever."
+
+In Sir James Burrows' reports is given a poetical version of Chief
+Justice Pratt's decision with regard to a woman of English birth who was
+the widow of a foreigner.
+
+      "A woman having a settlement,
+        Married a man with none,
+      The question was, he being dead,
+        If what she had was gone.
+
+      Quoth Sir John Pratt, 'The settlement
+        Suspended doth remain
+      Living the husband; but him dead
+        It doth revive again.'"
+
+  Chorus of Puisne Judges:
+
+      "Living the husband; but him dead
+        It doth revive again."
+
+The Chief Justice's decision having been reversed by his successor,
+Chief Justice Ryder's decision was reported:
+
+      "A woman having a settlement
+        Married a man with none;
+      He flies and leaves her destitute,
+        What then is to be done?
+
+      Quoth Ryder the Chief Justice,
+        'In spite of Sir John Pratt,
+      You'll send her to the parish
+        In which she was a brat.'
+
+      _Suspension of a settlement_
+        Is not to be maintained.
+      That which she had by birth subsists
+        Until another's gained."
+
+  Chorus of Puisne Judges:
+
+      "That which she had by birth subsists
+       Until another's gained."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: EDWARD THURLOW, BARON THURLOW. LORD CHANCELLOR.]
+
+Many of the well-known witticisms attributed to great judges are so
+tinged with personality--even tending to malignity--that no one
+possessing respect for human nature can read them without being tempted
+to regard them as mere biographical fabrications. But such a
+construction cannot be put upon the stories told of Lord Chancellor
+Thurlow, whose overbearing insolence to the Bar is well known. To a few
+friends like John Scott, Lord Eldon, and Lloyd Kenyon, Lord Kenyon, he
+could be consistently indulgent; but to those who provoked him by an
+independent and fearless manner he was little short of a persecutor.
+Once when Scott was about to follow his leader, who had made an
+unusually able speech, the Chancellor addressed him: "Mr. Scott, I am
+glad to find you are engaged in the cause, for I now stand some chance
+of knowing something about the matter." This same leader of the Bar on
+one occasion, in the excitement of professional altercation, made use of
+an undignified expression before Lord Thurlow; but before his lordship
+could take notice of it the counsel immediately apologised, saying, "My
+lord, I beg your lordship's pardon. I really forgot for the moment where
+I was." A silent recognition of the apology would have made the counsel
+feel his position more keenly, but the Chancellor could not let such an
+opportunity pass and immediately flashed out: "You thought you were in
+your own Court, I presume," alluding to a Welsh judgeship held by the
+offending counsel.
+
+As a contrast to Lord Thurlow's treatment of Scott's leader, the
+following story--given in Scott's own words--shows how the great
+Chancellor could unbend himself in the company of men who were in his
+favour. "After dinner, one day when nobody was present but Lord Kenyon
+and myself, Lord Thurlow said, 'Taffy, I decided a cause this morning,
+and I saw from Scott's face that he doubted whether I was right.'
+Thurlow then stated his view of the case, and Kenyon instantly said,
+'Your decision was quite right.' 'What say you to that?' asked the
+Chancellor. I said, 'I did not presume to form a case on which they were
+both agreed. But I think a fact has not been mentioned, which may be
+material.' I was about to state the fact, and my reasons. Kenyon,
+however, broke in upon me, and with some warmth stated that I was always
+so obstinate there was no dealing with me. 'Nay,' interposed Thurlow,
+'that's not fair. You, Taffy, are obstinate, and give no reasons. You,
+Jack, are obstinate too; but then you give your reasons, and d--d bad
+ones they are!'"
+
+Another anecdote again illustrates the Chancellor's treatment of even
+those who were on a friendly footing with him. Sir Thomas Davenport, a
+great Nisi Prius leader, had long flattered himself with the hope of
+succeeding to some valuable appointment in the law; but several good
+things passing by, he lost his patience and temper along with them. At
+last he addressed this laconic application to his patron: "The Chief
+Justiceship of Chester is vacant; am I to have it?" and received the
+following laconic answer: "No! by G--d! Kenyon shall have it."
+
+Scarcely less courteous was this Lord Chancellor's treatment of a
+solicitor who endeavoured to prove to him a certain person's death. To
+all his statements the Chancellor replied, "Sir, that is no proof," till
+at last the solicitor losing patience exclaimed: "Really, my lord, it is
+very hard and it is not right that you should not believe me. I knew the
+man well: I saw the man dead in his coffin. My lord, the man was my
+client." "Good G--d, sir! why didn't you tell me that sooner? I should
+not have doubted the fact one moment; for I think nothing can be so
+likely to kill a man as to have you for his attorney."
+
+As Keeper of the Great Seal Thurlow had the alternate presentation to a
+living with the Bishop of ----. The Bishop's secretary called upon the
+Lord Chancellor and said, "My Lord Bishop of ---- sends his compliments
+to your lordship, and believes that the next turn to present to ----
+belongs to his lordship."--"Give his lordship my compliments," replied
+the Chancellor, "and tell him that I will see him d--d first before he
+shall present."--"This, my lord," retorted the secretary, "is a very
+unpleasant message to deliver to a bishop." To which the Chancellor
+replied, "You are right, it is so; therefore tell the Bishop that _I
+will be_ d--d first before he shall present."
+
+Lord Campbell in his life of Thurlow says that in his youth the
+Chancellor was credited with wild excesses. There was a story, believed
+at the time, of some early amour with the daughter of a Dean of
+Canterbury, to which the Duchess of Kingston alluded when on her trial
+at the House of Lords. Looking Thurlow, then Attorney-General, full in
+the face she said, "That learned gentleman dwelt much on my faults, but
+I too, if I chose, could tell a Canterbury tale."
+
+But with all his bitterness and sarcasm Lord Thurlow had a genuine
+sense of humour, as the following story of his Cambridge days
+illustrates--days when he was credited with more disorderly pranks and
+impudent escapades than attention to study. "Sir," observed a tutor, "I
+never come to the window but I see you idling in the Court."--"Sir,"
+replied the future Lord Chancellor, "I never come into the Court but I
+see you idling at the window."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WILLIAM MURRAY, EARL OF MANSFIELD, LORD CHIEF JUSTICE.]
+
+Mansfield was not credited with lively sensibility, but his humanity was
+shocked at the thought of killing a man for a trifling theft. Trying a
+prisoner at the Old Baily on the charge of stealing in a dwelling-house
+to the value of 40_s._--when this was a capital offence--he advised the
+jury to find a gold trinket, the subject of the indictment, to be of
+less value. The prosecutor exclaimed with indignation, "Under 40_s._, my
+lord! Why, the _fashion_ alone cost me more than double the sum."--"God
+forbid, gentlemen, we should hang a man for fashion's sake," observed
+Lord Mansfield to the jury.
+
+An indictment was tried before him at the Assizes, preferred by parish
+officers for keeping an hospital for lying-in women, whereby the parish
+was burdened by illegitimate children. He expressed doubts whether this
+was an indictable offence, and after hearing arguments in support of it
+he thus gave his judgment. "We sit here under a Commission requiring us
+to _deliver_ this gaol, and the statute has been cited to make it
+unlawful to _deliver_ a woman who is with child. Let the indictment be
+quashed."
+
+Having met at supper the famous Dr. Brocklesby, he entered into familiar
+conversation with him, and there was an interchange of stories just a
+little trenching on the decorous. It so happened that the doctor had to
+appear next morning before Lord Mansfield in the witness-box; and on the
+strength of the previous evening's doings the witness, on taking up his
+position, nodded to the Chief Justice with offensive familiarity as to a
+boon companion. His lordship taking no notice of his salutation, but
+writing down his evidence, when he came to summing it up to the jury
+thus proceeded: "The next witness is one Rocklesby or Brocklesby,
+Brocklesby or Rocklesby--I am not sure which--and first he swears he is
+a physician."
+
+Lord Chief Baron Parker, in his eighty-seventh year, having observed to
+Lord Mansfield who was seventy-eight: "Your lordship and myself are now
+at sevens and eights," the younger Chief Justice replied: "Would you
+have us to be all our lives at sixes and sevens? But let us talk of
+young ladies and not old age."
+
+Trying an action which arose from the collision of two ships at sea, a
+sailor who gave an account of the accident said, "At the time I was
+standing abaft the binnacle."--"Where is abaft the binnacle?" asked
+Lord Mansfield; upon which the witness, who had taken a large share of
+grog before coming into Court, exclaimed loud enough to be heard by all
+present: "A pretty fellow to be a judge, who don't know where abaft the
+binnacle is!" Lord Mansfield, instead of threatening to commit him for
+contempt, said: "Well, my friend, fit me for my office by telling me
+where _abaft the binnacle is_; you have already shown me the meaning of
+_half-seas over_."
+
+On one occasion Lord Mansfield covered his retreat from an untenable
+position with a sparkling pleasantry. An old witness named ELM having
+given his evidence with remarkable clearness, although he was more than
+eighty years of age, Lord Mansfield examined him as to his habitual mode
+of living, and found he had been through life an early riser and a
+singularly temperate man. "Ay," remarked the Chief Justice, in a tone of
+approval, "I have always found that without temperance and early habits
+longevity is never attained." The next witness, the elder brother of
+this model of temperance, was then called, and he almost surpassed his
+brother as an intelligent and clear-headed utterer of evidence. "I
+suppose," observed Lord Mansfield, "that you are an early riser?"--"No,
+my lord," answered the veteran stoutly; "I like my bed at all hours, and
+special-_lie_ I like it of a morning."--"Ah, but like your brother, you
+are a very temperate man?" quickly asked the judge, looking out
+anxiously for the safety of the more important part of his theory. "My
+lord," responded this ancient Elm, disdaining to plead guilty to a
+charge of habitual sobriety, "I am a very old man, and my memory is as
+clear as a bell, but I can't remember the night when I've gone to bed
+without being more or less drunk."--"Ah, my lord," Mr. Dunning
+exclaimed, "this old man's case supports a theory unheld by many
+persons--that habitual intemperance is favourable to longevity."--"No,
+no," replied the Chief Justice with a smile; "this old man and his
+brother merely teach us what every carpenter knows--that Elm, whether it
+be wet or dry, is a very tough wood."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: JOHN SCOTT, EARL OF ELDON, LORD CHANCELLOR.]
+
+Lord Eldon's good humour gained him the affection of all counsel who
+practised before him, but there is one story--apocryphal it may be,
+coming from Lord Campbell--of a prejudice he had against Lord Brougham,
+who, in Scottish cases, frequently appeared before him in the House of
+Lords. Lord Eldon persisted in addressing the advocate as Mr. Bruffam.
+This was too much for Brougham, who was rather proud of the form and
+antiquity of his name, and who at last, in exasperation, sent a note to
+the Chancellor, intimating that his name was pronounced "Broom." At the
+conclusion of the argument the Chancellor stated, "Every authority upon
+the question has been brought before us: new Brooms sweep clean."
+
+As Lord Chancellor, Lord Eldon's great foible was an apparent inability
+to arrive at an early decision on any question: it was really a desire
+to weigh carefully all sides of a question before expressing his
+opinion. This hesitancy was expressed in the formula "I doubt," which
+became the subject of frequent jests among the members of the Bar.
+
+Sir George Rose, in absence of the regular reporter of Lord Eldon's
+decisions, was requested to take a note of any decision which should be
+given. As a full record of all that was material, which had occurred
+during the day, Sir George made the following entry in the reporter's
+notebook:
+
+    "Mr. Leach made a speech,
+    Angry, neat, but wrong;
+    Mr. Hart, on the other part,
+    Was heavy, dull, and long;
+    Mr. Parker made the case darker,
+    Which was dark enough without;
+    Mr. Cooke cited his book;
+    And the Chancellor said--I doubt."
+
+This _jeu d'esprit_, flying about Westminster Hall, reached the
+Chancellor, who was very much amused with it, notwithstanding the
+allusion to his doubting propensity. Soon after, Sir George Rose having
+to argue before him a very untenable proposition, he gave his opinion
+very gravely, and with infinite grace and felicity thus concluded: "For
+these reasons the judgment must be against your clients; and here, Sir
+George, the Chancellor does not _doubt_."
+
+The following was Lord Eldon's answer to an application for a piece of
+preferment from his old friend Dr. Fisher, of the Charter House:
+
+"DEAR FISHER,--I cannot, to-day, give you the preferment for which you
+ask.--I remain, your sincere friend, ELDON." Then, on the other side, "I
+gave it to you yesterday."
+
+According to his biographer, Lord Eldon caused a loud laugh while the
+old Duke of Norfolk was fast asleep in the House of Lords, and amusing
+their lordships with "that tuneful nightingale, his nose," by announcing
+from the woolsack, with solemn emphasis, that the Commons had sent up a
+bill for "enclosing and dividing Great Snoring in the county of
+Norfolk!"
+
+Like Lord Thurlow, Lord Eldon was in close intimacy with George III in
+the days when his Majesty's mind was supposed to be not very strong. "I
+took down to Kew," relates his lordship, "some Bills for his assent, and
+I placed on a paper the titles and the effect of them. The king, being
+perhaps suspicious that my coming down might be to judge of his
+competence for public business, as I was reading over the titles of the
+different Acts of Parliament he interrupted me and said: 'You are not
+acting correctly, you should do one of two things; either bring me down
+the Acts for my perusal, or say, as Thurlow once said to me on a like
+occasion, having read several he stopped and said, "It is all d--d
+nonsense trying to make you understand them, and you had better consent
+to them at once."'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It is not often, but it sometimes happens that a judge finds himself in
+conflict with members of the public who are under no restraint of
+professional privilege or etiquette. Some maintain the dignity of the
+Court by fining and committing for contempt. Occasionally this may be
+necessary, but it has been found that delicate ridicule is often more
+effective. An attorney, pleading his cause before Lord Ellenborough,
+became exasperated because the untenable points he continually raised
+were invariably overruled, and exclaimed, "My lord, my lord, although
+your lordship is so great a man now, I remember the time when I could
+have got your opinion for five shillings." With an amused smile his
+lordship quietly observed, "Sir, I say it was not worth the money."
+
+The same judge used to be greatly annoyed during the season of colds
+with the noise of coughing in Court. On one occasion, when disturbances
+of this kind recurred with more than usual frequency, he was seen
+fidgeting about in his seat, and availing himself of a slight
+cessation observed in his usual emphatic manner: "Some slight
+interruption one _might_ tolerate, but there seems to be an _industry_
+of coughing."
+
+As an illustration of figurative oratory a good story is told of a
+barrister pleading before Lord Ellenborough: "My lord, I appear before
+you in the character of an advocate for the City of London; my lord, the
+City of London herself appears before you as a suppliant for justice. My
+lord, it is written in the book of nature."--"What book?" said Lord
+Ellenborough. "The book of nature."--"Name the page," said his lordship,
+holding his pen uplifted, as if to note the page down.
+
+Moore relates the story of a noble lord in the course of one of his
+speeches saying, "I ask myself so and so," and repeating the words "I
+ask myself." "Yes," quietly remarked Lord Ellenborough, "and a d--d
+foolish answer you'll get."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The comparison of a father and son who have both ascended the Bench has
+afforded a good story of a famous Scottish advocate which is told later,
+and the following is an equally cutting retort from the Bench to any
+assumed superiority through such a connection. A son of Lord Chief
+Justice Willes (who rose to the rank of a Puisne Judge) was checked one
+day for wandering from the subject. "I wish that you would remember,"
+he exclaimed, "that I am the son of a Chief Justice." To which Justice
+Gould replied with great simplicity, "Oh, we remember your father, but
+he was a sensible man."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When hanging was the sentence, on conviction, for crimes--in these days
+termed offences--which are now punished by imprisonment, some judges
+from meting out the sentence of death almost indiscriminately came to be
+known as "hanging judges." Justice Page was one of them. When he was
+decrepit he perpetrated a joke against himself. Coming out of the Court
+one day and shuffling along the street a friend stopped him to inquire
+after his health. "My dear sir," the judge replied, "you see I keep just
+hanging on--hanging on."
+
+A Chief Justice of the "hanging" period, whose integrity was not above
+suspicion, was sitting in Court one day at his ease and lolling on his
+elbow, when a convict from the dock hurled a stone at him which
+fortunately passed over his head. "You see," said the learned man as he
+smilingly received the congratulations of those present--"you see now,
+if I had been an _upright judge_ I had been slain."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LLOYD KENYON, BARON KENYON, LORD CHIEF JUSTICE.]
+
+Some of the stories respecting Lord Kenyon's historical allusions and
+quotations are surely greatly exaggerated, or are pure inventions. In
+addressing a jury in a blasphemy case, he is reported to have said that
+the Emperor Julian "was so celebrated for the practice of every
+Christian virtue that he was called 'Julian the Apostle'"; and to have
+concluded an elaborate address in dismissing a grand jury with the
+following valediction: "Having thus discharged your consciences,
+gentlemen, you may return to your homes in peace, with the delightful
+consciousness of having performed your duties well, and may lay your
+heads on your pillows, saying to yourselves 'Aut C�sar, aut nullus.'"
+And this was his remark on detecting the trick of an attorney to delay a
+trial: "This is the last hair in the tail of procrastination, and it
+must be plucked out."
+
+Among other failings attributed to this Lord Chief Justice was the
+extreme penuriousness he practised in his domestic arrangements and his
+dress. His shoes were patched to such an extent that little of their
+original material could be seen, and once when trying a case he was
+sitting on the bench in a way to expose them to all in Court. It was an
+action for breach of contract to deliver shoes soundly made, and to
+clinch a witness for the pursuer he suddenly asked, "Were the shoes
+anything like these?" pointing to his own. "No, my lord," replied the
+witness, "they were a good deal better and more genteeler."
+
+As an example of his (Lord Kenyon's) style of addressing a condemned
+prisoner we have the following. A butler had been charged and convicted
+of stealing his master's wine.
+
+"Prisoner at the bar, you stand convicted on the most conclusive
+evidence of a crime of inexpressible atrocity--a crime that defiles the
+sacred springs of domestic confidence, and is calculated to strike alarm
+into the breast of every Englishman who invests largely in the choicer
+vintages of Southern Europe. Like the serpent of old, you have stung the
+hand of your protector. Fortunate in having a generous employer, you
+might without discovery have continued to supply your wretched wife and
+children with the comforts of sufficient prosperity, and even with some
+of the luxuries of affluence; but, dead to every claim of natural
+affection, and blind to your own real interest, you burst through all
+the restraints of religion and morality, and have for many years been
+_feathering_ your nest with your master's _bottles_."
+
+Lord Kenyon was warmly attached to George III, who had a high opinion of
+him; but like many of his lordship's contemporaries, his Majesty
+strongly deprecated the frequent outbursts of temper on the part of his
+Chief Justice. "At a levee, soon after an extraordinary explosion of
+ill-humour in the Court of King's Bench, his Majesty said to him: 'My
+Lord Chief Justice, I hear that you have lost your temper, and from my
+great regard for you, I am very glad to hear it, for I hope you will
+find a better one.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Of Lord Chief Justice Tenterden, Lord Campbell asserts that he once, and
+only once, uttered a pun. A learned gentleman, who had lectured on the
+law and was too much addicted to oratory came to argue a special
+demurrer before him. "My client's opponent," said the figurative
+advocate, "worked like a mole under ground, _clam et secret�_." His
+figures only elicited a grunt from the Chief Justice. "It is asserted in
+Aristotle's _Rhetoric_--."--"I don't want to hear what is asserted in
+Aristotle's _Rhetoric_," interposed Lord Tenterden. The advocate shifted
+his ground and took up, as he thought, a safe position. "It is laid down
+in the _Pandects_ of Justinian--." "Where are you got now?" "It is a
+principle of the civil law--." "Oh sir," exclaimed the judge, with a
+tone and voice which abundantly justified his assertion, "we have
+nothing to do with the _civil_ law in this Court."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Judges sometimes stray into humour without intending it. At an election
+petition trial one allegation was, that a number of rosettes, or "marks
+of distinction," had been kept in a table drawer in the central
+committee-room. To meet this charge it was thought desirable to call
+witnesses to swear that the only table in the room consisted of planks
+laid on trestles. "So that the table had no proper legs," said counsel
+cheerfully. "Never mind whether it had proper legs," said one of the
+learned judges. "The more important question is: Had it drawers?"
+
+And in _The Story of Crime_ the author recalls an instance of a judge
+unconsciously furnishing material for laughter in Court. "At the
+beginning of the session at the Old Baily a good deal of work is got
+through by the judge who takes the small cases, and it may be this fact
+that accounted for the confusion of thought which he describes. One of
+the prisoners was charged with stealing a camera, and after all the
+evidence had been taken his lordship proceeded to sum up to the jury. He
+began by correctly describing the stolen article as a camera, but had
+not gone very far before the camera had become a concertina, and by the
+time he had finished the concertina had become an accordion. And he
+never once saw his mistake. The usher noticed it at the first trip, and
+kept repeating in a kind of hoarse stage-whisper, 'Camera! Camera!' but
+his voice did not reach the Bench, and so the complicated article
+remained on record."
+
+Mr. Andrews in his book, _The Lawyer in History, Literature, and
+Humour_, relates that a leader of the Bar on rising to address the
+drowsy jury after a ponderous oration by Sir Samuel Prime, said:
+"Gentlemen, after the long speech of the learned serjeant--" "Sir, I
+beg your pardon," interrupted Mr. Justice Nares, "you might say--you
+might say--after the long soliloquy, for my brother Prime has been
+talking an hour to himself."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THOMAS ERSKINE, BARON ERSKINE, LORD CHANCELLOR.]
+
+Thomas, Lord Erskine was the youngest of three brothers, who were all
+distinguished men. The eldest was the well-known Earl of Buchan, one of
+the founders of the Society of Antiquaries of Scotland, whose
+eccentricities formed the subject of much gossip in the Scottish
+capital. To an English nobleman he declared: "My brothers Harry and Tom
+are certainly remarkable men, but they owe everything to me." Seeing a
+look of surprise upon his friend's face he added: "Yes, it is true; they
+owe everything to me. On my father's death they pressed me for an annual
+allowance. I knew this would have been their ruin, by relaxing their
+industry. So making a sacrifice of my inclinations to gratify them I
+refused to give them a farthing, and they have thriven ever
+since--_owing everything to me_."
+
+Henry, the second brother, was universally beloved and respected, and one
+of the most popular advocates at the Scottish Bar. He was twice
+Lord-Advocate for Scotland--on the second occasion under the Ministry of
+"All the Talents," when his younger brother was Lord Chancellor. He was
+famous in the Parliament House and outside of it for his witticisms, a
+selection of which will be given later.
+
+Thomas, who became Lord Chancellor, obtained an unique influence while
+practising at the Bar, and, like his older brother, he was a universal
+favourite. "Juries have declared," said Lord Brougham, "that they have
+felt it impossible to remove their looks from him when he had riveted,
+and as it were fascinated, them by his first glance. Then hear his
+voice, of surpassing sweetness, clear, flexible, strong, exquisitely
+fitted to strains of serious earnestness." Yet although he did not rely
+on wit, or humour, or sarcasm in addressing a jury, he could use them to
+effect in cross-examination. "You were born and bred in Manchester, I
+perceive," he said to a witness. "Yes."--"I knew it," said Erskine
+carelessly, "from the absurd tie of your neckcloth." The witness'
+presence of mind was gone, and he was made to unsay the greatest part of
+his evidence in chief. Another witness confounding 'thick' whalebone
+with 'long' whalebone, and unable to distinguish the difference after
+counsel's explanation, Erskine exclaimed, "Why, man, you do not seem to
+know the difference between what is _thick_ or what is _long_! Now I
+tell you the difference. You are _thick_-headed, and you are not
+_long_-headed."
+
+Lord Erskine's addiction to punning is well known, and many examples
+might be cited. An action was brought against a stable-keeper for not
+taking proper care of a horse. "The horse," said counsel for the
+plaintiff, "was turned into the stable, with nothing to eat but musty
+hay. To such the horse 'demurred.'"--"He should have 'gone to the
+country,'" at once retorted Lord Erskine. For the general reader it
+should be explained that "demurring" and "going to the country" are
+technical terms for requiring a cause to be decided on a question of law
+by the judge, or on a question of fact by the jury. Here is another. A
+low-class attorney who was much employed in bail-business and moving
+attachments against the sheriff for not "bringing in the body"--that is,
+not arresting and imprisoning a debtor, when such was the law--sold his
+house in Lincoln's Inn Fields to the Corporation, of Surgeons to be used
+as their Hall. "I suppose it was recommended to them," said Erskine,
+"from the attorney being so well acquainted 'with the practice of
+bringing in the body!'"
+
+Perhaps one of his smartest puns he relates himself. "A case being laid
+before me by my veteran friend, the Duke of Queensberry--better known as
+'old Q'--as to whether he could sue a tradesman for breach of contract
+about the painting of his house; and the evidence being totally
+insufficient to support the case, I wrote thus: 'I am of opinion that
+this action will not lie unless the witnesses do.'"
+
+He was also fond of a practical joke. In answer to a circular letter
+from Sir John Sinclair, proposing that a testimonial should be presented
+to himself for his eminent public services, Lord Erskine replied:
+
+     "MY DEAR SIR JOHN,--I am certain there are few in this kingdom
+     who set a higher value on your public services than myself;
+     and I have the honour to subscribe"--then, on turning over the
+     leaf, was to be found--"myself, your most obedient faithful
+     servant,
+
+     "ERSKINE."
+
+"Gentlemen of the jury," were his closing words after an impassioned
+address, "the reputation of a cheesemonger in the City of London is like
+the bloom upon a peach. Breathe upon it, and it is gone for ever."
+
+Among many apocryphal stories told of expedients by which smart counsel
+have gained verdicts, this one respecting a case in which Mr. Justice
+Gould was the judge and Erskine counsel for the defendant is least
+likely of credit. The judge entertained a most unfavourable opinion of
+the defendant's case, but being very old was scarcely audible, and
+certainly unintelligible, to the jury. While he was summing up the case,
+Erskine, sitting on the King's Counsel Bench, and full in the view of
+the jury, nodded assent to the various remarks which fell from the
+judge; and the jury, imagining that they had been directed to find for
+the defendant, immediately did so.
+
+When at the Bar, Erskine was always encouraged by the appreciation of
+his brother barristers. On one occasion, when making an unusual exertion
+on behalf of a client, he turned to Mr. Garrow, who was his colleague,
+and not perceiving any sign of approbation on his countenance, he
+whispered to him, "Who do you think can get on with that d--d wet
+blanket face of yours before him."
+
+Nor did he always exhibit graciousness to older members. One nervous old
+barrister named Lamb, who usually prefaced his pleadings with an
+apology, said to Erskine one day that he felt more timid as he grew
+older. "No wonder," replied Erskine, "the older the lamb the more
+sheepish he grows."
+
+When he was Lord Chancellor he was invited to attend the ministerial
+fish dinner at Greenwich--known in later years as the Whitebait
+Dinner--he replied: "To be sure I will attend. What would your fish
+dinner be without the Great Seal?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When a stupid jury returns an obviously wrong verdict the judge must
+feel himself in an awkward position; but in such cases--if they ever
+occur now--a good precedent has been set by Mr. Justice Maule who, when
+in that predicament, addressed the prisoner in these terms:
+
+"Prisoner, your counsel thinks you innocent, the prosecution thinks you
+innocent, and I think you innocent. But a jury of your own
+fellow-countrymen, in the exercise of such common sense as they possess,
+have found you guilty, and it remains that I should pass sentence upon
+you. You will be imprisoned for one day, and as that day was yesterday,
+you are free to go about your business."
+
+"May God strike me dead! my lord, if I did it," excitedly exclaimed a
+prisoner who had been tried before the same justice for a serious
+offence, and a verdict of "guilty" returned by the jury. The judge
+looked grave, and paused an unusually long time before saying a word. At
+last, amid breathless silence, he began: "As Providence has not seen fit
+to interpose in your case, it now becomes my duty to pronounce upon you
+the sentence of the law," &c. When somewhat excited over a very bad case
+tried before him he would delay sentence until he felt calmer, lest his
+impulse or his temper should lead him astray. On one such occasion he
+exclaimed, "I can't pass sentence now. I might be too severe. I feel as
+if I could give the man five-and-twenty years' penal servitude. Bring
+him up to-morrow when I feel calmer."--"Thank you, my lord," said the
+prisoner, "I know you will think better of it in the morning." Next
+day the man appeared in the dock for sentence. "Prisoner," said the
+judge, "I was angry yesterday, but I am calm to-day. I have spent a
+night thinking of your awful deeds, and I find on inquiry I can sentence
+you to penal servitude for life. I therefore pass upon you that
+sentence. I have thought better of what I was inclined to do yesterday."
+
+There are instances of brief summing up of a case by judges, but few in
+the terms expressed by this worthy judge. "If you believe the witnesses
+for the plaintiff, you will find for the defendant; if you believe the
+witnesses for the defendant, you will find for the plaintiff. If, like
+myself, you don't believe any of them, Heaven knows which way you will
+find. Consider your verdict."
+
+To Mr. Justice Maule a witness said: "You may believe me or not, but I
+have stated not a word that is false, for I have been wedded to truth
+from my infancy."--"Yes, sir," said the judge dryly; "but the question
+is, _how long have you been a widower?_"
+
+In the good old days a learned counsel of ferocious mien and loud voice,
+practising before him, received a fine rebuke from the justice. No reply
+could be got from an elderly lady in the box, and the counsel appealed
+to the judge. "I really cannot answer," said the trembling lady. "Why
+not, ma'am?" asked the judge. "Because, my lord, he frightens me
+so."--"So he does me, ma'am," replied the judge.
+
+He was as a rule patient and forbearing, and seldom interfered with
+counsel in their mode of laying cases before a jury or the Bench, but
+once he was fairly provoked to do so, by the confused blundering way in
+which one of them was trying to instil a notion of what he meant into
+the minds of the jury. "I am sorry to interfere, Mr. ----," said the
+judge, "but do you not think that, by introducing a little order into
+your narrative, you might possibly render yourself a trifle more
+intelligible? It may be my fault that I cannot follow you--I know that
+my brain is getting old and dilapidated; but I should like to stipulate
+for some sort of order. There are plenty of them. There is the
+chronological, the botanical, the metaphysical, the geographical--even
+the alphabetical order would be better than no order at all."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Baron Thomson, of the Court of Exchequer, was asked how he got on in his
+Court with the business, when he sat between Chief Baron Macdonald and
+Baron Graham. He replied, "What between snuff-box on one side, and
+chatterbox on the other, we get on pretty well!"
+
+Sir Richard Bethel, Lord Westbury, and Lord Campbell were on very
+friendly terms. An amusing story is told of a meeting of the two in
+Westminster Hall, when the first rumour of Lord Campbell's appointment
+as Lord Chancellor was current. The day being cold for the time of the
+year, Lord Campbell had gone down to the House of Lords in a fur coat,
+and Bethel, observing this, pretended not to recognise him. Thereupon
+Campbell came up to him and said: "Mr. Attorney, don't you know me?"--"I
+beg your pardon, my lord," was the reply. "I mistook you for the _Great
+Seal_."
+
+[Illustration: RICHARD BETHEL, BARON WESTBURY, LORD CHANCELLOR.]
+
+Lord Cranworth, Vice-Chancellor, after hearing Sir Richard Bethel's
+argument in an appeal, said he "would turn the matter over in his mind."
+Sir Richard turning to his junior with his usual bland calm utterance
+said: "Take a note of that; his honour says he will turn it over in what
+he is pleased to call his mind."
+
+Sir James Scarlett, Lord Abinger, had to examine a witness whose
+evidence would be somewhat dangerous unless he was thrown off his guard
+and "rattled." The witness in question--an influential man, whose
+vulnerable point was said to be his self-esteem--was ushered into the
+box, a portly overdressed person, beaming with self-assurance. Looking
+him over for a few minutes without saying a word Sir James opened fire:
+"Mr. Tompkins, I believe?"--"Yes."--"You are a stockbroker, I believe,
+are you not?"--"I ham." Pausing for a few seconds and making an
+attentive survey of him, Sir James remarked sententiously, "And a very
+fine and well-dressed ham you are, sir."
+
+In a breach of promise case Scarlett appeared for the defendant, who was
+supposed to have been cajoled into the engagement by the plaintiff's
+mother, a titled lady. The mother, as a witness, completely baffled the
+defendant's clever counsel when under his cross-examination; but by one
+of his happiest strokes of advocacy, Scarlett turned his failure into
+success. "You saw, gentlemen of the jury, that I was but a child in her
+hands. _What must my client have been?_"
+
+Sir James was a noted cross-examiner and verdict-getter, but on one
+occasion he was beaten. Tom Cooke, a well-known actor and musician in
+his day, was a witness in a case in which Sir James had him under
+cross-examination.
+
+Scarlett: "Sir, you say that the two melodies are the same, but
+different; now what do you mean by that, sir?"
+
+Cooke: "I said that the notes in the two copies are alike, but with a
+different accent."
+
+Scarlett: "What is a musical accent?"
+
+Cooke: "My terms are nine guineas a quarter, sir."
+
+Scarlett (ruffled): "Never mind your terms here. I ask you what is a
+musical accent? Can you see it?"
+
+Cooke: "No."
+
+Scarlett: "Can you feel it?"
+
+Cooke: "A musician can."
+
+Scarlett (angrily): "Now, sir, don't beat about the bush, but explain to
+his lordship and the jury, who are expected to know nothing about music,
+the meaning of what you call accent."
+
+Cooke: "Accent in music is a certain stress laid upon a particular note,
+in the same manner as you would lay stress upon a given word, for the
+purpose of being better understood. For instance, if I were to say, 'You
+are an _ass_,' it rests on ass, but if I were to say, '_You_ are an
+ass,' it rests on you, Sir James." The judge, with as much gravity as he
+could assume, then asked the crestfallen counsel, "Are you satisfied,
+Sir James."--"The witness may go down," was the counsel's reply.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Lord Justice Holt, when a young man, was very dissipated, and belonged
+to a club, most of whose members took an infamous course of life. When
+his lordship was engaged at the Old Baily a man was convicted of highway
+robbery, whom the judge remembered to have been one of his early
+companions. Moved by curiosity, Holt, thinking the man did not recognise
+him, asked what had become of his old associates. The culprit making a
+low bow, and giving a deep sigh, replied, "Oh, my lord, they are all
+hanged but your lordship and I."
+
+We have already given examples of personalities in the retorts of
+counsel upon members of the Bench, and if the same derogatory reflection
+can be traced in the two following anecdotes of judges' retorts on
+counsel, it is at least veiled in finer sarcasm. A nervous young
+barrister was conducting a first case before Vice-Chancellor Bacon, and
+on rising to make his opening remarks began in a faint voice: "My lord,
+I must apologise--er--I must apologise, my lord"--"Go on, sir," said his
+lordship blandly; "so far the Court is with you." The other comes from
+an Australian Court. Counsel was addressing Chief Justice Holroyd when a
+portion of the plaster of the Court ceiling fell, and he stopping his
+speech for the moment, incautiously advanced the suggestion, "Dry rot
+has probably been the cause of that, my lord."--"I am quite of your
+opinion, Mr. ----," observed his lordship.
+
+On the other hand, judges can be severely personal at times, and Lord
+Justice Chitty was almost brutal in a case where counsel had been
+arguing to distraction on a bill of sale. "I will now proceed to address
+myself to the furniture--an item covered by the bill," counsel
+continued. "You have been doing nothing else for the last hour,"
+lamented the weary judge.
+
+And Mr. Justice Wills once made a rather cutting remark to a barrister.
+The barrister was, in the judge's private opinion, simply wasting the
+time of the Court, and, in the course of a long-winded speech, he dwelt
+at quite unnecessary length on the appearance of certain bags connected
+with the case. "They might," he went on pompously, "they might have been
+full bags, or they might have been half-filled bags, or they might even
+have been empty bags, or--."--"Or perhaps," dryly interpolated the
+judge, "they might have been wind-bags!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HENRY BROUGHAM, BARON BROUGHAM AND VAUX, LORD
+CHANCELLOR.]
+
+When Lord Brougham attained the position of Lord Chancellor he was
+greatly addicted to the habit of writing during the course of counsel's
+argument of the case being heard before him. On one occasion this
+practice so annoyed Sir Edward Sugden, whenever he noticed it, that he
+paused in the course of his argument, expecting his lordship to stop
+writing; but the Chancellor, without even looking up, remarked, "Go on,
+Sir Edward; I am listening to you."--"I observe that your lordship is
+engaged in writing, and not favouring me with your attention," replied
+Sir Edward. "I am signing papers of mere form," warmly retorted the
+Chancellor. "You may as well say that I am not to blow my nose or take
+snuff while you speak."
+
+When counsel at the Bar, a witness named John Labron was thus
+cross-examined by Brougham at York Assizes:
+
+"What are you?"
+
+"I am a farmer, and malt a little."
+
+"Do you know Dick Strother?"
+
+"No."
+
+"Upon your oath, sir, are you not generally known by the name of Dick
+Strother?"
+
+"That has nothing to do with this business."
+
+"I insist upon hearing an answer. Have you not obtained that name?"
+
+"I am sometimes called so."
+
+"Now, Dick, as you admit you are so called, do you know the story of the
+hare and the ball of wax?"
+
+"I have heard it."
+
+"Then pray have the goodness to relate it to the judge and the jury."
+
+"I do not exactly remember it."
+
+"Then I will refresh your memory by relating it myself. Dick Strother
+was a cobbler, and being in want of a hare for a friend, he put in his
+pocket a ball of wax and took a walk into the fields, where he soon
+espied one. Dick then very dexterously threw the ball of wax at her
+head, where it stuck, which so alarmed poor puss that in the violence of
+her haste she ran in contact with the head of another; both stuck fast
+together, and Dick, lucky Dick! caught both. Dick obtained great
+celebrity by telling this wondrous feat, which he always affirmed as a
+truth, and from that every notorious liar in Thorner bears the title
+of Dick Strother. Now, Dick--I mean John--is not that the reason why you
+are called Dick Strother?"
+
+"It may be so."
+
+"Then you may go."
+
+The same turbulent spirit (Lord Brougham) fell foul of many other law
+lords. It is well known that in a speech made at the Temple he accused
+Lord Campbell, who had just published his _Lives of the Chancellors_, of
+adding a new terror to death. Lord Campbell tells an amusing story which
+shows that he could retort with effect upon his noble and learned
+friend. He says that he called one morning upon Brougham at his house in
+Grafton Street, who "soon rushed in very eagerly, but suddenly stopped
+short, exclaiming, 'Lord bless me, is it you? They told me it was
+Stanley'; and notwithstanding his accustomed frank and courteous manner,
+I had some difficulty in fixing his attention. In the evening I stepped
+across the House to the Opposition Bench, where Brougham and Stanley
+were sitting next each other, and, addressing the latter in the hearing
+of the former, I said, 'Has our noble and learned friend told you the
+disappointment he suffered this morning? He thought he had a visit from
+the Leader of the Protectionists to offer him the Great Seal, and it
+turned out to be only Campbell come to bore him about a point of Scotch
+law.' _Brougham_: 'Don't mind what Jack Campbell says; he has a
+prescriptive privilege to tell lies of all Chancellors, dead and
+living.'"
+
+According to the same authority, Brougham was at one time very anxious
+to be made an earl, but his desire was entirely quenched when Lord John
+Russell gave an earldom to Lord Chancellor Cottenham. He is said to have
+been so indignant that he either wrote or dictated a pamphlet in which
+the new creation was ridiculed, and to which was appended the
+significant motto, "The offence is rank."
+
+The common feeling with regard to Sir James Scarlett's (Lord Abinger)
+success in gaining verdicts led to the composition of the following
+pleasantry, attributed to Lord Campbell. "Whereas Scarlett had contrived
+a machine, by using which, while he argued, he could make the judges'
+heads nod with pleasure, Brougham in course of time got hold of it; but
+not knowing how to manage it when he argued, the judges, instead of
+nodding, shook their heads."
+
+And it is Lord Campbell who has preserved the following specimen of a
+judge's concluding remarks to a prisoner convicted of uttering a forged
+one-pound note. After having pointed out to him the enormity of the
+offence, and exhorted him to prepare for another world, added: "And I
+trust that through the merits and the mediation of our Blessed Redeemer,
+you may there experience that mercy which a due regard to the _credit
+of the paper currency_ of the country forbids you to hope for here."
+
+Campbell married Miss Scarlett, a daughter of Lord Abinger, and was
+absent from Court when a case in which he was to appear was called
+before Mr. Justice Abbot. "I thought, Mr. Brougham," said his lordship,
+"that Mr. Campbell was in this case?"--"Yes, my lord," replied Mr.
+Brougham, with that sarcastic look peculiarly his own. "He was, my lord,
+but I understand he is ill."--"I am sorry to hear that, Mr. Brougham,"
+said the judge. "My lord," replied Mr. Brougham, "it is whispered here
+that the cause of my learned friend's absence is scarlet fever."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: JOHN CAMPBELL, BARON CAMPBELL, LORD CHANCELLOR.]
+
+In his native town of Cupar, Fife, Lord Chancellor Campbell's abilities
+and position were not so much appreciated as they were elsewhere. This
+was a sore point with his father, who was parish minister, and when the
+son was not selected by the town authorities to conduct their legal
+business in London the future Lord Chancellor also felt affronted. On
+the publication of the _Lives of the Chancellors_ some of his townsmen
+wrote asking him to present a copy to the local library of his native
+town, which gave Campbell an opportunity to square accounts with them
+for their past neglect of him, for he curtly replied to their request
+that "they could purchase the book from any bookseller." An old lady of
+the town relating some gossip about the Campbell family said, "They
+meant John for the Church, but he went to London _and got on very
+well_." Such was the good lady's idea of the relative positions of
+minister of a Scottish parish and Lord Chancellor of England.
+
+The difference in the pronunciation of a word led to an amiable contest
+between Lord Campbell and a learned Q.C. In an action to recover damages
+to a carriage the counsel called the vehicle a "brougham," pronouncing
+both syllables of the word. Lord Campbell pompously observed, "Broom is
+the usual pronunciation--a carriage of the kind you mean is not
+incorrectly called a 'Broom'--that pronunciation is open to no grave
+objection, and it has the advantage of saving the time consumed by
+uttering an extra syllable." Later in the trial Lord Campbell alluding
+to a similar case referred to the carriage which had been injured as an
+"Omnibus."--"Pardon me, my lord," interposed the Q.C., "a carriage of
+the kind to which you draw attention is usually termed a 'bus'; that
+pronunciation is open to no grave objection, and it has the great
+advantage of saving the time consumed by uttering _two_ extra
+syllables."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SIR SAMUEL MARTIN, BARON OF EXCHEQUER.]
+
+Mr. Martin (afterwards Baron Martin), when at the Bar, was addressing
+the Court in an insurance case, when he was interrupted by Baron
+Alderson, who said, "Mr. Martin, do you think any office would insure
+your life?"--"Certainly, my lord," replied Mr. Martin, "mine is a very
+good life."--"You should remember, Mr. Martin, that yours is brief
+existence."
+
+This judge's reason for releasing a juryman from duty was equally smart.
+The juryman in question confessed that he was deaf in one ear. "Then
+leave the box before the trial begins," observed his lordship; "it is
+necessary that the jurymen should hear _both_ sides."
+
+Baron Martin was one of the good-natured judges who from the following
+story seem to stretch that amiable quality to its fullest extent. In
+sentencing a man convicted of a petty theft he said: "Look, I hardly
+know what to do with you, but you can take six months."--"I can't take
+that, my lord," said the prisoner; "it's too much. I can't take it; your
+lordship sees I did not steal very much after all." The Baron indulged
+in one of his characteristic chuckling laughs, and said: "Well that's
+vera true; ye didn't steal _much_. Well then, ye can tak' _four_. Will
+that do--four months?"--"No, my lord, but I can't take that
+neither."--"Then take _three_."--"That's nearer the mark, my lord,"
+replied the prisoner, "but I'd rather you'd make it _two_, if you'll be
+so kind."--"Very well then, tak' two," said the judge; "and don't come
+again. If you do, I'll give you--well, it'll all depend."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FREDERICK THESIGER, BARON CHELMSFORD, LORD CHANCELLOR.]
+
+Lord Erskine's punning upon legal terms has already been noticed, but no
+better quip is recorded than that of Lord Chelmsford, when as Sir
+Frederick Thesiger, and a leader at the Bar, he took exception to the
+irregular examination of a witness by a learned serjeant. "I have a
+right," maintained the serjeant, "to deal with my witness as I
+please."--"To that I offer no objection," retorted Sir Frederick. "You
+may _deal_ as you like, but you shan't _lead_."
+
+On all occasions Samuel Warren, the author of _Ten Thousand a Year_, was
+given to boasting, at the Bar mess, of his intimacy with members of the
+peerage. One day he was saying that, while dining lately at the Duke of
+Leeds, he was surprised at finding no fish of any kind was served. "That
+is easily accounted for," said Thesiger; "they had probably eaten it all
+_upstairs_."
+
+Walking down St. James's Street one day, Lord Chelmsford was accosted by
+a stranger, who exclaimed, "Mr. Birch, I believe."--"If you believe
+that, sir, you'll believe anything," replied his lordship as he passed
+on.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SIR ALEXANDER COCKBURN, BART., LORD CHIEF JUSTICE.]
+
+In the recently published _Cockburn Family Records_ the following is
+told of the Chief Justice's ready wit:
+
+"At a certain trial an extremely pretty girl was called as a witness.
+The Lord Chief Justice was very particular about her giving her full
+name and address. Of course he took note. So did the sheriff's officer!
+That evening they both arrived at the young lady's door simultaneously,
+whereupon Sir Alexander tapped the officer on the shoulder, remarking,
+'No, no, no, Mr. Sheriff's Officer, judgment first, execution
+afterwards!'"
+
+There never was a barrister whose rise at the Bar was more rapid or
+remarkable than that of Sir Alexander Cockburn, and along with him was
+his friend and close associate as a brother lawyer of the Crown and
+Bencher of the same Inn, Sir Richard Bethel, who became Lord Chancellor
+a few years after Sir Alexander was made Chief Justice. Sir Richard once
+said to his colleague, "My dear fellow, equity will swallow up your
+common law."--"I don't know about that," said Sir Alexander, "but you'll
+find it rather hard of digestion."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Although the wit of Lord Justice Knight Bruce was somewhat sarcastic it
+was rarely so severe as that of Lord Westbury. There was always a tone
+of good humour about it. He had indeed a kind of grave judicial waggery,
+which is well exemplified in the following judgment in a separation suit
+between an attorney and his wife. "The Court has been now for several
+days occupied in the matrimonial quarrels of a solicitor and his wife.
+He was a man not unaccustomed to the ways of the softer sex, for he
+already had nine children by three successive wives. She,
+however--herself a widow--was well informed of these antecedents; and it
+appears did not consider them any objection to their union; and they
+were married. No sooner were they united, however, than they were
+unhappily disunited by unhappy disputes as to her property. These
+disputes disturbed even the period usually dedicated to the softer
+delights of matrimony, and the honeymoon was occupied by endeavours to
+induce her to exercise a testamentary power of appointment in his
+favour. She, however, refused, and so we find that in due course, at the
+end of the month, he brought home with some disgust his still intestate
+bride. The disputes continued, until at last they exchanged the
+irregular quarrels of domestic strife for the more disciplined warfare
+of Lincoln's Inn and Doctors Commons."
+
+Of this judge the story is told that a Chancery counsel in a long and
+dry argument quoted the legal maxim--_expressio unius est exclusio
+alterius_--pronouncing the "i" in _unius_ as short as possible. This
+roused his lordship from the drowsiness into which he had been lulled.
+"Unyus! Mr. ----? We always pronounced that _unius_ at school."--"Oh
+yes, my lord," replied the counsel; "but some of the poets use it short
+for the sake of the metre."--"You forget, Mr. ----," rejoined the
+judge, "that we are prosing here."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. Justice Willes was a judge of kindly disposition, and when he had to
+convey a rebuke he did so in some delicate and refined way like this. A
+young barrister feeling in a hobble, wished to get out of it by saying,
+"I throw myself on your lordship's hands."--"Mr. ----, I decline the
+burden," replied the learned judge.
+
+One day in judge's chambers, after being pressed by counsel very
+strongly against his own views, he said with quaint humour: "I'm one of
+the most obstinate men in the world."--"God forbid that I should be so
+rude as to contradict your lordship," replied the counsel.
+
+Mr. Montague Williams in his _Leaves of a Life_ relates the following
+story of Mr. Justice Byles. He was once hearing a case in which a woman
+was charged with causing the death of her child by not giving it proper
+food, or treating it with the necessary care. Mr. F----, of the Western
+Circuit, conducted the defence, and while addressing the jury said:
+
+"Gentlemen, it appears to be impossible that the prisoner can have
+committed this crime. A mother guilty of such conduct to her own child?
+Why, it is repugnant to our better feelings"; and then being carried
+away by his own eloquence, he proceeded: "Gentlemen, the beasts of the
+field, the birds of the air, suckle their young, and----"
+
+But at this point the learned judge interrupted him, and said:
+
+"Mr. F----, if you establish the latter part of your proposition, your
+client will be acquitted to a certainty."
+
+And to the same authority we are indebted for a judge's gentle but
+sarcastic reproof of a prosing counsel. In an action for false
+imprisonment, heard before Mr. Justice Wightman, Ribton was addressing
+the jury at great length, repeating himself constantly, and never giving
+the slightest sign of winding up. When he had been pounding away for
+several hours, the good old judge interposed, and said: "Mr. Ribton,
+you've said that before."--"Have I, my lord?" said Ribton; "I'm very
+sorry. I quite forgot it."--"Don't apologise, Mr. Ribton," was the
+answer. "I forgive you; for it was a very long time ago."
+
+A very old story is told of a highwayman who sent for a solicitor and
+inquired what steps were necessary to be taken to have his trial
+deferred. The solicitor answered that he would require to get a doctor's
+affidavit of his illness. This was accordingly done in the following
+manner: "The deponent verily believes that if the said ---- is obliged
+to take his trial at the ensuing sessions, he will be in imminent danger
+of his life."--"I verily believe so too," replied the judge, and the
+trial proceeded immediately.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Some judges profess ignorance of slang terms used in evidence, and seek
+explanation from counsel. Lord Coleridge in the following story had his
+inquiry not only answered but illustrated. A witness was describing an
+animated conversation between the pursuer and defendant in a case and
+said: "Then the defendant turned and said, 'If 'e didn't 'owld 'is noise
+'ed knock 'im off 'is peark.'"--"Peark? Mr. Shee, what is meant by
+peark?" asked the Lord Chief Justice. "Oh, peark, my lord, is any
+position when a man elevates himself above his fellows--for instance, a
+bench, my lord."
+
+Another story illustrating this alleged ignorance of every-day terms
+used by the masses comes from the Scottish Court of Session. In this
+instance the explanation was volunteered by the witness who used the
+term. One of the counsel in the case was Mr. (now Lord) Dewar, who was
+cross-examining the witness on a certain incident, and drew from him the
+statement that he (the witness) had just had a "nip." "A nip," said the
+judge; "what is a nip?"--"Only a small Dewar, my lord," explained the
+witness.
+
+Lord Russell of Killowen, himself a Lord Chief Justice, tells some
+amusing stories of Lord Coleridge in his interesting reminiscences of
+that great judge in the _North American Review_. When at the Bar he was
+counsel in a remarkable case--Saurin against Starr. The pursuer, an
+Irish lady, sued the Superior of a religious order at Hull for expulsion
+without reasonable cause. Mr. Coleridge cross-examined a Mrs. Kennedy,
+one of the superintendents of the convent, who had mentioned in her
+evidence, among other peccadilloes of the pursuer, that she had been
+found in the pantry eating strawberries, when she should have been
+attending some class duties.
+
+Mr. Coleridge: "Eating strawberries, really!"
+
+Mrs. Kennedy: "Yes, sir, she was eating strawberries."
+
+Mr. Coleridge: "How shocking!"
+
+Mrs. Kennedy: "It was forbidden, sir."
+
+Mr. Coleridge: "And did you, Mrs. Kennedy, really consider there was any
+great harm in that?"
+
+Mrs. Kennedy: "No, sir, not in itself, any more than there was harm in
+eating an apple; but you know, sir, the mischief that came from that."
+
+When as Lord Chief Justice, Lord Coleridge visited the United States, he
+was continually pestered by interviewers, and one of them failing to
+draw him, began to disparage the old country in its physical features
+and its men. Lord Coleridge bore it all in good part; finally the
+interviewer said, "I am told, my lord, you think a great deal of your
+great fire of London. Well, I guess, that the conflagration we had in
+the little village of Chicago made your great fire look very small." To
+which his lordship blandly responded: "Sir, I have every reason to
+believe that the great fire of London was quite as great as the people
+of that time desired."
+
+There are few of Lord Bowen's witticisms from the Bench in circulation,
+but his after-dinner stories are worth recording, and perhaps one of the
+best is that given in _Anecdotes of the Bench and Bar_, as told by
+himself in the following words: "One of the ancient rabbinical writers
+was engaged in compiling a history of the minor prophets, and in due
+course it became his duty to record the history of the prophet Daniel.
+In speaking of the most striking incident in the great man's career--I
+refer to his critical position in the den of lions--he made a remark
+which has always seemed to me replete with judgment and observation. He
+said that the prophet, notwithstanding the trying circumstances in which
+he was placed, had one consolation which has sometimes been forgotten.
+He had the consolation of knowing that when the dreadful banquet was
+over, at any rate it was not he who would be called upon to return
+thanks."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The following story cannot be classed a witticism from the Bench, but
+the judge clearly gave the opening for the lady's smart retort.
+
+Mrs. Weldon, a well-known lady litigant in the Courts a generation ago,
+was on one occasion endeavouring in the Court of Appeal to upset a
+judgment of Vice-Chancellor Bacon, and one ground of complaint was that
+the judge was too old to understand her case. Thereupon Lord Esher said:
+"The last time you were here you complained that your case had been
+tried by my brother Bowen, and you said he was only a bit of a boy, and
+could not do you justice. Now you come here and say that my brother
+Bacon was too old. What age do you want the judge to be?"--"Your age,"
+promptly replied Mrs. Weldon, fixing her bright eyes on the handsome
+countenance of the Master of the Rolls.
+
+On Charles Phillips, who became a judge of the Insolvent Court, noticing
+a witness kiss his thumb instead of the Testament, after rebuking him
+said, "You may think to _desave_ God, sir, but you won't desave me."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SIR HENRY HAWKINS, LORD BRAMPTON.]
+
+That racy and turf-attending judge, Lord Brampton, better known as Sir
+Henry Hawkins, tells many good stories of himself in his
+_Reminiscences_, but it is the unconscious humorist of Marylebone Police
+Court who records this _bon mot_ of Sir Henry.
+
+An old woman in the witness-box had been rattling on in the most voluble
+manner, until it was impossible to make head or tail of her evidence.
+Mr. Justice Hawkins, thinking he would try his hand, began with a
+soothing question, but the old woman would not have it at any price. She
+replied testily, "It's no use you bothering me. I have told you all I
+know."--"That may be," replied his lordship, "but the question rather
+is, do you know all you have told us?"
+
+When Sir Henry (then Mr.) Hawkins was prosecuting counsel in the
+Tichborne trial, over which Lord Chief Justice Cockburn presided, an
+amusing incident is recorded by Mr. Plowden. The antecedents of a man
+who had given sensational evidence for the claimant were being inquired
+into, and in answer to Sir Henry the witness under examination said he
+knew the man to be married, but his wife passed under another name.
+"What name?" asked Mr. Hawkins. "Mrs. Hawkins," replied the witness.
+"What was her maiden name?" added Mr. Hawkins. "Cockburn." Such a
+coincident of names naturally caused hearty and prolonged laughter.
+
+In the course of this celebrated trial another amusing incident occurred
+which Sir Henry used to tell against himself. One morning as the
+claimant came into Court, a lady dressed in deep mourning presented
+Orton with a tract. After a few minutes he wrote something on it, and
+had it passed on to the prosecuting counsel. The tract was boldly headed
+in black type, "Sinner--Repent," and the claimant had written upon it,
+"Surely this must have been meant for Hawkins."
+
+Not long after he had ascended the Bench Mr. Justice Hawkins was hearing
+a case in which a man was being tried for murder. The counsel for the
+prosecution observed the prisoner say something earnestly to the
+policeman seated by his side in the dock, and asked that the constable
+should be made to disclose what had passed. "Yes," said his lordship, "I
+think you may demand that. Constable, inform the Court what passed
+between you and the prisoner."--"I--I would rather not, your lordship. I
+was--."--"Never mind what you would rather not do. Inform the Court what
+the prisoner said."--"He asked me, your lordship, who that hoary heathen
+with the sheepskin was, as he had often seen him at the
+race-course."--"That will do," said his lordship. "Proceed with the
+case."
+
+An action for damages against a fire insurance company, brought by some
+Jews, was heard before Chief Justice Cockburn, which clearly was a
+fraudulent claim. The plaintiffs claimed for loss of ready-made clothes
+in the fire. Hawkins, who appeared for the defendant company, elicited
+the fact that ready-made clothes in this firm had all brass buttons as a
+rule; and, further, that after sifting the debris of the fire no buttons
+had been found. The trial was not concluded on that day, but on the
+following morning hundreds of buttons partially burnt were brought into
+Court by the Jew plaintiffs. Cockburn was not long in appreciating this
+mode of furnishing evidence after its necessity had been pointed out,
+and he asked: "How do you account for these buttons, Mr. Hawkins? You
+said none were found."--"Up to last night none had been found," replied
+Hawkins. "But," said the Chief Justice--"but these buttons have
+evidently been burnt in the fire. How do they come here?"--"_On their
+own shanks_," was Hawkins' smart and ready reply. Verdict for
+defendants.
+
+The alibi has come in for its fair share of jests. Sir Henry Hawkins
+relates in his _Reminiscences_ how he once found the following in his
+brief: "If the case is called on before 3.15, the defence is left to the
+ingenuity of the counsel; if after that hour, the defence is an alibi,
+as by then the usual alibi witnesses will have returned from Norwich,
+where they are at present professionally engaged."
+
+Sitting as a vacation judge, Sir Walter Phillimore, whose views on the
+law of divorce are well known, protested against being called on to make
+absolute a number of decrees _nisi_ granted in the Divorce Division.
+This fact is said to have called forth a witty pronouncement by a late
+president of that Division of the Courts. "Here is my brother
+Phillimore, who objects to making decrees _nisi_ absolute because he
+believes in the sanctity of the marriage tie. By and by we may be having
+a Unitarian appointed to the Bench, and he will refuse to try Admiralty
+suits, as he would have to sit with Trinity Masters."
+
+In sentencing a burglar recently, the judge referred to him as a
+"professional," to which the prisoner strongly protested from the dock.
+"Here," he exclaimed, "I dunno wot you mean by callin' me a professional
+burglar. I've only done it once before, an' I've been nabbed both
+times." The judge, in the most suave manner, replied, "Oh, I did not
+mean to say that you had been very successful in your profession."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE HON. MR JUSTICE GRANTHAM, JUDGE OF THE KING'S BENCH
+DIVISION.]
+
+Mr. Justice Grantham had a keen sense of humour. On one occasion, when
+he was judge at the Newcastle Assizes, he left the mansion-house where
+he was staying, at night, to post his letters. As he was wearing a cap
+he was not recognised by the police officer who was on duty outside, and
+the constable inquired of his lordship if "the old ---- had gone to bed
+yet." The judge replied that he thought not, and a short while after he
+had returned to the house he raised his bedroom window, and putting out
+his head called to the constable below: "Officer, the old ---- is just
+going to bed now."
+
+[Illustration: THE HON. MR JUSTICE DARLING, JUDGE OF THE KING'S BENCH
+DIVISION.]
+
+Hardly a case of any importance comes into Mr. Justice Darling's Court
+without attracting a large attendance of the public, as much from
+expectation of being entertained by the repartees between Bench and Bar
+as from interest in the proceedings before the Court. In a recent turf
+libel case his lordship gave a free rein to his proclivity to give an
+amusing turn to statements of both counsel and witnesses. At one point
+he intervened by remarking that other witnesses than the one under
+examination had said that a horse is made fit by running on the course
+before he is expected to win a position, and added, "That is so, not
+only on the race-course. You can never make a good lawyer by putting him
+to read in the library." To which the defendant, who conducted his own
+case, replied, "But I take it a barrister does try."--"You have no
+notion how he tries the judge," responded Mr. Justice Darling. In the
+same case a question arose as to whether the stewards of the Jockey Club
+had the power to check riding "short," as it is termed, and the Justice
+inquired if the stewards could say, "You must ride with a leather of a
+prescribed length," and got the answer, "Yes; they could say if you
+don't ride longer we won't give you a license."--"Which means," said the
+judge, "if you don't ride longer you won't ride long."
+
+"Who made the translation from the German?" asked the same judge,
+regarding a document to which counsel had referred. "God knows; I
+don't," was the reply of Mr. Danckwerts. "Are you sure," responded the
+Justice, "that what is not known to you is known at all?"
+
+Perhaps Mr. Justice Darling never raised heartier laughter than in an
+action some years ago where the issue was whether the plaintiff, who had
+been engaged by the defendant to sing in "potted opera" at a music-hall,
+was competent to fulfil his contract.
+
+"Well, he could not sing like the archangel Gabriel," a witness had
+said, in reply to Mr. Duke, K. C.
+
+"I have never heard the archangel Gabriel," commented the eminent
+counsel.
+
+"That, Mr. Duke, is a pleasure to come," was his lordship's swift, if
+gently sarcastic, rejoinder.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If witnesses occasionally undergo severe handling in cross-examination
+by counsel, there are also occasions when their ready reply has rather
+nonplussed the judge.
+
+A case was being tried at York before Mr. Justice Gould. When it had
+proceeded for upwards of two hours the judge observed that there were
+only eleven jurymen in the box, and inquired where the twelfth man was.
+"Please you, my lord," said one of them, "he has gone away about some
+business, but he has left his verdict with me."
+
+"How old are you?" asked the judge of a lady witness.
+"Thirty."--"Thirty!" said the judge; "I have heard you give the same age
+in this Court for the last three years."--"Yes," responded the lady; "I
+am not one of those persons who say one thing to-day and another
+to-morrow."
+
+Mr. Justice Keating one day had occasion to examine a witness who
+stuttered very much in giving his evidence. "I believe," said his
+lordship, "you are a very great rogue."--"Not so great a rogue as you,
+my lord--t--t--t--t--take me to be," was the reply.
+
+Judge: "Is this your signature?"
+
+Witness: "I don't know."
+
+Judge: "Look at it carefully."
+
+Witness: "I can't say for certain."
+
+Judge: "Is it anything like your writing?"
+
+Witness: "I don't think it is."
+
+Judge: "Can't you identify it?"
+
+Witness: "Not quite."
+
+Judge: "Well, let me see, just write your name here and I will examine
+the two signatures."
+
+Witness: "I can't write, sir."
+
+Medical men are not as a rule the best witnesses, being too fond of
+using technical words peculiar to them in their own profession. In an
+action for assault tried by a Derbyshire common jury before Mr. Justice
+Patteson, a surgical witness was asked to describe the injuries the
+plaintiff had received; he stated he had "ecchymosis" of the left eye.
+Upon the judge inquiring whether that did not mean what was commonly
+understood by a black eye, the witness answered: "Yes."--"Then why did
+you not say so, sir? What do the jury know of 'ecchymosis'? They might
+think, as the farmer did of the word 'felicity,' used by a clergyman in
+his sermon, that it meant something in the inside of a pig."
+
+A notorious thief, being tried for his life, confessed the robbery he
+was charged with. The judge thereupon directed the jury to find him
+guilty upon his own confession. The jury having consulted together
+brought him in "Not guilty." The judge bade them consider their verdict
+again, but still they brought in a verdict of "Not guilty." The judge
+asking the reason, the foreman replied: "There is reason enough, for we
+all know him to be one of the greatest liars in the country."
+
+"Have you committed all these crimes?" asked the judge of a hoary old
+sinner. "Yes, my lord, and worse." "Worse, I should have thought it
+impossible. What have you done then?"--"My lord, I allowed myself to be
+caught."
+
+"I knows yer," said a prisoner to the present Lord Chief Justice, "and
+many's the time I've given yer a hand when ye've been stepping it round
+the track like a greyhound. So let's down lightly, like a good cove as
+yer are."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The retort of a witness to Lord Avory was too good to be soon forgotten,
+and is still circulating among the juniors of the law-courts. "Let me
+see," said his lordship, "you have been convicted before, haven't
+you?"--"Yes, sir," answered the man; "but it was due to the incapacity
+of my counsel rather than to any fault on my part."--"It always is,"
+said Lord Avory, with a grim smile, "and you have my sincere
+sympathy."--"And I deserve it," retorted the man, "seeing that you were
+my counsel on that occasion!"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER TWO
+
+THE BARRISTERS OF ENGLAND
+
+
+    "Hark the hour of ten is sounding!
+    Hearts with anxious fears are bounding;
+    Hall of Justice crowds surrounding,
+        Breathing hope and fear.
+    For to-day in this arena
+    Summoned by a stern subpoena,
+    Edwin sued by Angelina
+        Shortly will appear."
+
+    Sir W. S. GILBERT: _Trial by Jury_.
+
+
+    "As your Solicitor, I should have no hesitation in saying:
+    Chance it----"
+
+    Sir W. S. GILBERT: _The Mikado_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER TWO
+
+THE BARRISTERS OF ENGLAND
+
+
+From the middle of the thirteenth century the senior rank to which a
+barrister could attain at the Bar was that of serjeant-at-law, and from
+that body, which existed until 1875, the judges were selected. If a
+barrister below the rank of serjeant was invited to take a seat on the
+Bench he invariably conformed to the recognised custom and "took the
+coif"--became a serjeant-at-law--before he was sworn as one of his (or
+her) Majesty's judges. This explains the term "brother" applied by
+judges when addressing serjeants pleading before them in Court. "Taking
+the coif" had a curious origin. It was customary in very early times for
+the clergy to add to their clerical duties that of a legal practitioner,
+by which considerable fees were obtained, and when the Canon law forbade
+them engaging in all secular occupations the remuneration they had
+obtained from the law-courts proved too strong a temptation to evade the
+new law. They continued therefore to practise in the Courts, and to hide
+their clerical identity they concealed the tonsure by covering the upper
+part of their heads with a black cap or coif. When ultimately clerical
+barristers were driven from the law-courts, the "coif" or black patch on
+the crown of a barrister's wig became the symbol of the rank of
+serjeant-at-law. That this distinguishing mark has been, in later years,
+occasionally misunderstood is illustrated in the story of Serjeant
+Allen and Sir Henry Keating, Q.C., who were opposed to one another in a
+case before the Assize Court at Stafford. During the hearing of the case
+a violent altercation had taken place between them, but when the Court
+rose they left the building together, walking amicably to their
+lodgings. Two men who had been in Court and had heard their wrangle were
+following behind them, when one said to the other: "If you was in
+trouble, Bill, which o' them two tip-top 'uns would you have to defend
+you?"--"Well, Jim," was the reply, "I should pitch upon this 'un,"
+pointing to the Q.C. "Then you'd be a fool," said his companion; "the
+fellow with the _sore head_ is worth six of t'other 'un."
+
+There used to be a student joke against the serjeants. "Why is a
+serjeant's speech like a tailor's goose?"--"Because it is hot and
+heavy."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Taking silk," or becoming a K.C. and a senior at the Bar, originated at
+a much later date than that of serjeant-at-law. Lord Bacon was the first
+to be recognised as Queen's Counsel, but this distinction arose from his
+position as legal adviser to Queen Elizabeth, and did not indicate the
+existence of a senior body (as K.C. does now) among the barristers of
+that period. The institution of the rank dates from the days of Charles
+II, when Sir Francis North, Lord Guildford, was created King's Counsel
+by a writ issued under the Great Seal. As was customary in the case of a
+barrister proposing to "take the coif," so in that of one proposing to
+"take silk"; he intimates to the seniors already holding the rank that
+he intends to apply for admission to the body. A story is current in the
+Temple that when Mr. Justice Eve "took silk" the usual notification of
+his intention was sent to the seniors, and from one of them he received
+the following reply: "My dear Eve, whether you wear silk or a fig-leaf,
+I do not care.--A Dam."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Our selection of faceti� of the English Bar, therefore, naturally opens
+with stories of the serjeants-at-law, and one of the best-known members
+of that body in early days was Serjeant Hill, a celebrated lawyer, who
+was also somewhat remarkable for absence of mind, which was attributed
+to the earnestness with which he devoted himself to his professional
+duties.
+
+On the very day when he was married, he had an intricate case on hand,
+and forgot his engagement, until reminded of his waiting bride, and that
+the legal time for performing the ceremony had nearly elapsed. He then
+quitted law for the church; after the ceremony, the serjeant returned to
+his books and his papers, having forgotten the _cause_ he had been
+engaged in during the morning, until again reminded by his clerk that
+the assembled company impatiently awaited his presence at dinner.
+
+Being once on Circuit, and having occasion to refer to a law authority,
+he had recourse, as usual, to his bag; but, to the astonishment of the
+Court, instead of a volume of Viner's abridgment, he took out a specimen
+candlestick, the property of a Birmingham traveller, whose bag Serjeant
+Hill had brought into Court by mistake.
+
+A learned serjeant kept the Court waiting one morning for a few minutes.
+The business of the Court commenced at nine. "Brother," said the judge,
+"you are behind your time this morning. The Court has been waiting for
+you."--"I beg your lordship's pardon," replied the serjeant; "I am
+afraid I was longer than usual in dressing."--"Oh," returned the judge,
+"I can dress in five minutes at any time."--"Indeed!" said the learned
+brother, a little surprised for the moment; "but in that my dog Shock
+beats your lordship hollow, for he has nothing to do but to shake his
+coat, and thinks himself fit for any company."
+
+Serjeant Davy, when at the height of his professional career, once
+received a large brief on which a fee of two guineas only was marked on
+the back. His client asked him if he had read the brief. Pointing with
+his finger to the fee, Davy replied: "As far as that I have read, and
+for the life of me I can read no further." Of the same eminent serjeant
+in his earlier years an Old Baily story is told. Judge Gould, who
+presided, asked: "Who is concerned for the prisoner?"--"I am concerned
+for him, my lord," said Davy, "and very much concerned after what I have
+just heard."
+
+If Serjeant Davy was concerned about his client, Serjeant Miller had no
+such scruple about the man charged with horse stealing whom he
+successfully defended, although the evidence convinced the judge and
+everybody in the Court that there ought to have been a conviction. When
+the trial was over and the prisoner had been acquitted, the judge said
+to him: "Prisoner, luckily for you, you have been found Not Guilty by
+the jury, but you know perfectly well you stole that horse. You may as
+well tell the truth, as no harm can happen to you now by a confession,
+for you cannot be tried again. Now tell me, did you not steal that
+horse?" "Well, my lord," replied the man, "I always thought I did, until
+I heard my counsel's speech, but now I begin to think I didn't."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In the days of "riding" and "driving circuit," and even later, the
+Circuit mess was a very popular institution with circuiteers, and was
+made the occasion of much merriment. After the table had been cleared a
+fictitious charge would be made against one of the barristers present,
+and a mock tribunal was immediately constituted before which he was
+arraigned and his case duly set forth with all solemnity. The victim was
+invariably fined--generally in wine, which had to be paid at once, and
+consumed before the company retired to bed. On one such occasion
+Serjeant Prime, who is represented as a good-natured but rather dull
+man, and as a barrister wearisome beyond comparison, was engaged in an
+important case in an over-crowded courtroom. He had been speaking for
+three hours, when a boy, seated on a beam above the heads of the
+audience, overcome by the heat and the serjeant's monotonous tones, fell
+asleep, and, losing his balance, tumbled down on the people below. The
+incident was made the subject of a charge against the serjeant at the
+mess, and he was duly sentenced to pay a fine of two dozen of wine,
+which he did with the greatest good humour.
+
+Serjeant Wilkins, on one occasion, on defending a prisoner, said: "Drink
+has upon some an elevating, upon others a depressing, effect; indeed,
+there is a report, as we all know, that an eminent judge, when at the
+Bar, was obliged to resort to heavy drinking in the morning, to reduce
+himself to the level of the judges." Lord Denman, the judge, who had no
+love for Wilkins, bridled up instantly. His voice trembled with
+indignation as he uttered the words: "Where is the report, sir? Where is
+it?" There was a death-like silence. Wilkins calmly turned round to the
+judge and said: "It was burnt, my lord, in the Temple fire." The
+effect of this was considerable, and it was a long time before order
+could be restored, but Lord Denman was one of the first to acknowledge
+the wit of the answer.
+
+Difference of manner or temperament sometimes gives point to the
+collisions which occasionally occur in Court between rival counsel.
+Serjeant Wilkins, who had an inflated style of oratory, was once opposed
+in a case to Serjeant Thomas, whose manner of delivery was lighter and
+more lively. On the conclusion of a heavy bombardment of ponderous
+Johnsonian sentences from the former, Thomas rose, and, with his eyes
+fixed on his opponent, prefaced his address to the jury with the words,
+delivered with much solemnity of manner and intonation: "And now the
+hurly-burly's done."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Dunning was defending a gentleman in an action brought from _crim. con._
+with the plaintiff's wife. The chief witness for the plaintiff was the
+lady's maid, a clever, self-composed person, who spoke confidently as to
+seeing the defendant in bed with her mistress. Dunning, on rising to
+cross-examine her, first made her take off her bonnet, that they might
+have a good view of her face, but this did not discompose her, as she
+knew she was good-looking. He then arranged his brief, solemnly drew up
+his shirt sleeves, and then began: "Are you sure it was not your master
+you saw in bed with your mistress?"--"Perfectly sure."--"What, do you
+pretend to say you can be certain when the head only appeared from the
+bedclothes, and that enveloped in a nightcap?"--"Quite certain."--"You
+have often found occasion, then, to see your master in his
+nightcap?"--"Yes--very frequently."--"Now, young woman, I ask you, on
+your solemn oath, does not your master occasionally go to bed with
+you?"--"Oh, that trial does not come on to-day, Mr. Slabberchops!"
+replied the witness. A loud shout of laughter followed, and Lord
+Mansfield leaned back to enjoy it, and then gravely leaned forward and
+asked if Mr. Dunning had any more questions to put to the witness. No
+answer was given, and none were put. The same counsel, when at the
+height of his large practice at the Bar, was asked how he got through
+all his work. He replied: "I do one-third of it; another third does
+itself; and I don't do the remaining third."
+
+A witness under severe cross-examination by Serjeant Dunning was
+repeatedly asked if he did not live close to the Court. On admitting
+that he did, the further question was put, "And pray, sir, for what
+reason did you take up your residence in that place?"--"To avoid the
+rascally impertinence of dunning," came the ready answer.
+
+A barrister's name once gave a witness the opportunity to score in the
+course of a severe cross-examination. Missing was the leader of his
+Circuit and was defending his client charged with stealing a donkey. The
+prosecutor had left the donkey tied up to a gate, and when he returned
+it was gone. "Do you mean to say," said counsel, "the donkey was stolen
+from the gate?"--"I mean to say, sir," said the witness, giving the
+judge and then the jury a sly look, at the same time pointing to the
+counsel, "the ass was missing."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. Clarke, a leader of the Midland Circuit, was a very worthy lawyer of
+the old school. A client long refusing to agree to refer to arbitration
+a cause which judge, jury, and counsel wished to get rid of, he at last
+said to him, "You d--d infernal fool, if you do not immediately follow
+his lordship's recommendation, I shall be obliged to use strong language
+to you." Once, in a council of the Benchers of Lincoln's Inn, the same
+gentleman very conscientiously opposed their calling a Jew to the Bar.
+Some tried to point out the hardship to be imposed upon the young
+gentleman, who had been allowed to keep his terms, and whose prospects
+in life would thus be suddenly blasted. "Hardship!" said the zealous
+churchman, "no hardship at all! Let him become a Christian, and be d--d
+to him!"
+
+It is sometimes imagined by laymen that verdicts may be obtained by the
+trickery of counsel. Doubtless counsel may try to throw dust in the
+eyes of jurors, but they are not very successful. Lord Campbell tells a
+story of Clarke, who by such tactics brought a case to a satisfactory
+compromise. The attorney, coming to him privately, said, "Sir, don't you
+think we have got very good terms? But you rather went beyond my
+instructions."--"You fool!" retorted Clarke; "how do you suppose you
+could have got such terms if I had stuck to your instructions."
+
+[Illustration: JOHN ADOLPHUS, BARRISTER.]
+
+In the biography of John Adolphus, a famous criminal lawyer, we are told
+that the judges of his time were much impressed with the following table
+of degrees. "The three degrees of comparison in a lawyer's progress are:
+getting on; getting on-er (honour); getting on-est (honest)." He
+declared the judges acknowledged much truth in the degrees. The third
+degree in Mr. Adolphus' table reminds us of the story of the farmer who
+was met by the head of a firm of solicitors, who inquired the name of a
+plant the farmer was carrying. "It's a plant," replied the latter, "that
+will not grow in a lawyer's garden; it is called honesty."
+
+One night, walking through St. Giles's by way of a short cut towards
+home, an Irish woman came up to Mr. Adolphus. "Why, Misther Adolphus!
+and who'd a' thought of seeing you in the Holy Ground?"--"And how came
+you to know who I am?" said Adolphus. "Lord bless and save ye, sir!
+not know ye? Why, I'd know ye if ye was boiled up in a soup!"
+
+Mr. Montagu Chambers was counsel for a widow who had been put in a
+lunatic asylum, and sued the two medical men who signed the certificate
+of her insanity. The plaintiff's case was to prove that she was not
+addicted to drinking, and that there was no pretence for treating hers
+as a case of _delirium tremens_. Dr. Tunstal, the last of plaintiff's
+witnesses, described one case in which he had cured a patient of
+_delirium tremens_ in a _single night_, and he added, "It was a case of
+gradual drinking, _sipping all day_ from morning till night." These
+words were scarcely uttered when Mr. Chambers rose in triumph, and said,
+"My lord, that is _my case_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+On the Northern Circuit a century ago, there was a famous barrister who
+was familiarly known among his brother advocates as Jack Lee. He was
+engaged in examining one Mary Pritchard, of Barnsley, and began his
+examination with, "Well, Mary, if I may credit what I hear, I may
+venture to address you by the name of Black Moll."--"Faith you may,
+mister lawyer, for I am always called so by the blackguards." On another
+occasion he was retained for the plaintiff in an action for breach of
+promise of marriage. When the consultation took place, he inquired
+whether the lady for whose injury he was to seek redress was
+good-looking. "Very handsome indeed, sir," was the assurance of her
+attorney. "Then, sir," replied Lee, "I beg you will request her to be in
+Court, and in a place where she can be seen." The attorney promised
+compliance, and the lady, in accordance with Lee's wishes, took her seat
+in a conspicuous place, where the jury could see her. Lee, in addressing
+the jury, did not fail to insist with great warmth on the "abominable
+cruelty" which had been exercised towards "the highly attractive and
+modest girl who trusted her cause to their discernment"; and did not sit
+down until he had succeeded in working upon their feelings with great
+and, as he thought, successful effect. The counsel on the other side,
+however, speedily broke the spell with which Lee had enchanted the jury,
+by observing that "his learned friend, in describing the graces and
+beauty of the plaintiff, ought in common fairness not to have concealed
+from the jury the fact that the lady had a _wooden leg_!" The Court was
+convulsed with laughter at this discovery, while Lee, who was ignorant
+of this circumstance, looked aghast; and the jury, ashamed of the
+influence that mere eloquence had had upon them, returned a verdict for
+the defendant.
+
+Justice Willes, the son of Chief Justice Willes, had an offensive habit
+of interrupting counsel. On one occasion an old practitioner was so
+irritated by this practice that he retorted sharply by saying, "Your
+lordship doubtless shows greater acuteness even than your father, the
+Chief Justice, for he used to understand me _after I had done_, but your
+lordship understands me even _before I have begun_."
+
+Of Whigham, a later leader on the Northern Circuit, an amusing story
+used to be told. He was defending a prisoner, and opened an alibi in his
+address to the jury, undertaking to prove it by calling the person who
+had been in bed with his client at the time in question, and deprecating
+their evil opinion of a woman whose moral character was clearly open to
+grave reproach, but who was still entitled to be believed upon her oath.
+Then he called "Jessie Crabtree." The name was, as usual, repeated by
+the crier, and there came pushing his way sturdily through the crowd a
+big Lancashire lad in his rough dress, who had been the prisoner's
+veritable bedfellow--Whigham's brief not having explained to him that
+the Christian name of his witness was, in this case, a male one.
+
+Colman, in his _Random Records_, tells the following anecdote of the
+witty barrister, Mr. Jekyll. One day observing a squirrel in Colman's
+chambers, in the usual round cage, performing the same operation as a
+man in a tread-mill, and looking at it for a minute, exclaimed, "Oh!
+poor devil, he's going the Home Circuit."
+
+Jekyll was asked why he no longer spoke to a lawyer named Peat; to which
+he replied, "I choose to give up his acquaintance--I have common of
+turbary, and have a right to cut _peat_!" An impromptu of his on a
+learned serjeant who was holding the Court of Common Pleas with his
+glittering eye, is well known:
+
+    "Behold the serjeant full of fire,
+      Long shall his hearers rue it,
+    His purple garments _came_ from Tyre,
+      His arguments _go to it_."
+
+Mr. H. L. Adam, in his volume _The Story of Crime_, tells an amusing
+story of a prisoner whose counsel had successfully obtained his
+acquittal on a charge of brutal assault. A policeman came across a man
+one night lying unconscious on the pavement, and near by him was an
+ordinary "bowler" hat. That was the only clue to the perpetrator of the
+deed. The police had their suspicions of a certain individual, whom they
+proceeded to interrogate. In addition to being unable to give a
+satisfactory account of his movements on the night of the assault, it
+was found that the "bowler" hat in question fitted him like a glove. He
+was accordingly arrested and charged with the crime, the hat being the
+chief evidence against him. Counsel for the defence, however, dwelt so
+impressively on the risk of accepting such evidence that the jury
+brought in a verdict of "not proven," and the prisoner was discharged.
+Before leaving the dock he turned to the judge, and pointing to the
+hat in Court, said, "My lord, may I 'ave my 'at."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Some amusing scenes have occurred in suits brought by tailors and
+dressmakers to recover the price of garments for which their customers
+have declined to pay on the ground of misfit. Serjeant Ballantine, in
+his _Experiences of a Barrister_, relates the case of a tailor in which
+the defendant was the famous Sir Edwin Landseer. It was tried in the
+Exchequer Court, before Baron Martin. "The coat was produced," says the
+serjeant, "and the judge suggested that Sir Edwin should try it on; he
+made a wry face, but consented, and took off his own upper garment. He
+then put an arm into one of the sleeves of that in dispute, and made an
+apparently ineffectual endeavour to reach the other, following it round
+amidst roars of laughter from all parts of the Court. It was a common
+jury, and I was told that there was a tailor upon it, upon which I
+suggested that there was a gentleman of the same profession as the
+plaintiff in Court who might assist Sir Edwin. This was acceded to, and
+out hopped a little Hebrew slop-seller from the Minories, to whom the
+defendant submitted his body. With difficulty he got into the coat, and
+then stood as if spitted, his back one mass of wrinkles. The tableau was
+truly amusing; the indignant plaintiff looking at the performance with
+mingled horror and disgust; Sir Edwin, as if he were choking; whilst the
+juryman, with the air of a connoisseur, was examining him and the coat
+with profound gravity. At last the judge, when able to stifle his
+laughter, addressing the little Hebrew, said, 'Well, Mr. Moses, what do
+you say?'--'Oh,' cried he, holding up a pair of hands not over clean,
+and very different from those encased in lavender gloves which graced
+the plaintiff, 'it ish poshitively shocking, my lord; I should have been
+ashamed to turn out such a thing from my establishment.' The rest of the
+jury accepted his view, and Sir Edwin, apparently relieved from
+suffocation, entered his own coat with a look of relief, which again
+convulsed the Court, bowed, and departed."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Financial prosecutions are as a rule very dreary, and any little joke
+perpetrated by counsel during the course of them is a relief. One was
+being heard, in which Mr. Muir was counsel, and to many of his
+statements the junior counsel for the prosecution shook his head
+vehemently, although he said nothing. This continual dumb contradiction
+at length got on the customary patience of Mr. Muir, who blurted out: "I
+do not know why my friend keeps shaking his head, whether it is that he
+has palsy, or that there's nothing in it!"
+
+Mr. Baldwin was the counsel employed to oppose a person justifying bail
+in the Court of King's Bench. After some common questions, a waggish
+counsel sitting near suggested that the witness should be asked as to
+his having been a prisoner in Gloucester gaol. Mr. Baldwin thereon
+boldly asked: "When, sir, were you last in Gloucester gaol?" The
+witness, a respectable tradesman, with astonishment declared that he
+never was in a gaol in his life. Mr. Baldwin being foiled after putting
+the question in various ways, turned round to his friendly prompter, and
+asked for what the man had been imprisoned. He was told that it was for
+suicide. Thereupon Mr. Baldwin, with great gravity and solemnity
+addressed the witness: "Now, sir, I ask you upon your oath, and remember
+that I shall have your words taken down, were you not imprisoned in
+Gloucester gaol for suicide?"
+
+A young lawyer who had just "taken the coif," once said to Samuel
+Warren, the author of _Ten Thousand a Year_: "Hah! Warren, I never could
+manage to get quite through that novel of yours. What did you do with
+Oily Gammon?"--"Oh," replied Warren, "I made a serjeant of him, and of
+course he never was heard of afterwards."
+
+[Illustration: SAMUEL WARREN, Q.C., MASTER IN LUNACY.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Warner Sleigh, a great thieves' counsel, was not debarred by etiquette
+from taking instructions direct from his clients. One day, following a
+rap on the door of his chambers in Middle Temple Lane, a thick-set man,
+with cropped poll of unmistakably Newgate cut, slunk into the room, when
+the following colloquy took place.
+
+"Mornin', sir," said the man, touching his forelock. "Morning," replied
+counsel. "What do you want?"--"Well, sir, I'm sorry to say, sir, our
+little Ben, sir, has 'ad a misfortin'; fust offence, sir, only a
+'wipe'--"--"Well, well!" interrupted counsel. "Get on."--"So, sir, we
+thought as you've 'ad all the family business we'd like you to defend
+'im, sir."--"All right," said counsel; "see my clerk--."--"Yessir,"
+continued the thief; "but I thought I'd like to make sure you'd attend
+yourself, sir; we're anxious, 'cos it's little Ben, our youngest
+kid."--"Oh! that will be all right. Give Simmons the fee."--"Well, sir,"
+continued the man, shifting about uneasily, "I was going to arst you,
+sir, to take a little less. You see, sir (wheedlingly), it's little
+Ben--his first misfortin'."--"No, no," said the counsel impatiently.
+"Clear out!"--"But, sir, you've 'ad all our business. Well, sir, if you
+won't, you won't, so I'll pay you now, sir." And as he doled out the
+guineas: "I may as well tell you, sir, you wouldn't 'a' got the
+'couties' if I 'adn't 'ad a little bit o' luck on the way."
+
+The gravity of the Court of Appeal was once seriously disturbed by
+Edward Bullen reading to them the following paragraph from a pleading in
+an action for seduction: "The defendant denies that he is the father of
+the said twins, _or of either of them_." This he apologetically
+explained was due to an accident in his pupil-room, but everyone
+recognised the style of the master-hand.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Serjeant Adams, who acted as assistant judge at the sessions, had a very
+pleasant wit, and knew how to deal with any counsel who took to
+"high-falutin." On one occasion, after an altercation with the judge,
+the counsel for the prisoner in his address to the jury reminded them
+that "they were the great palladium of British Liberty--that it was
+_their_ province to deal with the facts, the _judge_ with the law--that
+they formed one of the great institutions of their country, and that
+they came in with William the Conqueror." Adams at the end of his
+summing up said: "Gentlemen, you will want to retire to consider your
+verdict, and as it seems you came in with the Conqueror you can now go
+out with the beadle."
+
+There was always a mystery how Edwin James, who at the Bar was earning
+an income of at least �10,000 a year, was continually in monetary
+difficulties. Like Sir Thomas Lawrence, he must have had some private
+drain on his resources which was never disclosed. Among others who
+suffered was the landlord of his chambers, whose rent was very much in
+arrear. In the end the landlord hit upon a plan to discover which would
+be the best method of recovering his rent, and one day asked James to
+advise him on a legal matter in which he was interested, and thereupon
+drew up a statement of his grievance against his own tenant. The paper
+was duly returned to the landlord next day with the following sentence
+subjoined: "In my opinion this is a case which admits of only one
+remedy--patience. Edwin James."
+
+In a case before Lord Campbell, James took a line with a witness which
+his lordship considered quite inadmissible, and stopped him. When
+summing up to the jury Lord Campbell thought to soften his interruption
+by saying: "You will have observed, gentlemen, that I felt it my duty to
+stop Mr. Edwin James in a certain line which he sought to adopt in the
+cross-examination of one of the witnesses; but at the same time I had no
+intention to cast any reflection on the learned counsel who I am sure is
+known to you all as a most able--" but before his lordship could proceed
+any further James interposed, and in a contemptuous voice exclaimed: "My
+lord, I have borne your lordship's censure, spare me your lordship's
+praise."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. W. G. Thorpe, F.S.A., in his entertaining volume of _Middle Temple
+Table Talk_, relates a curious story of a judge taking an extremely
+personal interest in a case which was brought before him. A milk company
+had sold off a lot of old stock to a cake-maker, and the cake-maker had
+declined to pay because the milk had turned out to be poisonous. As the
+case went on the judge became more and more exercised. "What do they do
+with this stuff?" he asked, pointing to a mass of horrible mixture. "Oh,
+my lord, they make cakes of it; it doesn't taste in the cakes."--"Where
+do they sell these cakes?" was the judge's next question, and the reply
+was, "They are used for certain railway stations, school-treats, and
+excursions." Then the defendant specified one of the places. "Bless me!"
+said the judge, turning an olive-green, "I had some there myself," and
+with a shudder he retired to his private room, returning in a few
+minutes wiping his mouth.
+
+There is another story of a counsel defending a woman on a charge of
+causing the death of her husband by administering a poisoned cake to
+him. "I'll eat some of the cake myself," he said in Court, and took a
+bite. Just at this moment a telegram was brought to him to say that his
+wife was seriously ill, and he obtained permission to leave in order to
+answer the message. He returned, finished his speech, and obtained the
+acquittal of his client. It transpired afterwards that the telegram
+business was arranged in order that counsel could obtain an emetic
+after swallowing the cake.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. Montagu Williams tells a story, in his interesting _Leaves of a
+Life_, of two members of the Bar, one of whom had made a large fortune
+by his practice, but worked too hard to enjoy his gains, while the
+other, who only made a decent living, liked to enjoy life. They met on
+one occasion at the end of a long vacation, and the rich man asked his
+less fortunate brother what he had been doing. "I have been on the
+Continent," the other replied, "and I enjoyed my holiday very much. What
+have you been doing?"--"I have been working," said the rich Q.C., "and
+have not been out of town; I had lots of work to do."--"What is the use
+of it?" queried the other; "you can't carry the money with you when you
+die; and if you could, _it would soon melt_."
+
+From the same work we take the following story of Serjeant Ballantine.
+On one occasion he was acting in a case with a Jewish solicitor, and it
+happened that one of the hostile witnesses also belonged to the same
+race. Just as the serjeant was about to examine him, the solicitor
+whispered in Ballantine's ear: "Ask him as your first question, if he
+isn't a Jew."--"Why, but you're a Jew yourself," said the serjeant in
+some surprise. "Never mind, never mind," replied the little solicitor
+eagerly. "Please do--just to prejudice the jury."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: JOHN ROMILLY, BARON ROMILLY, MASTER OF THE ROLLS.]
+
+No collection of the wit and humour of the Bar would be complete without
+some specimens of Sir Frank Lockwood's racy sayings. From Mr. Augustine
+Birrell's _Life of Lockwood_ we quote the following:
+
+"A tale is attached to Lockwood's first brief. It was on a petition to
+the Master of the Rolls for payment out of Court of a sum of money; and
+Lockwood appeared for an official liquidator of a company whose consent
+had to be obtained before the Court would part with the fund. Lockwood
+was instructed to consent, and his reward was to be three guineas on the
+brief and one guinea for consultation. The petition came on in due
+course before Lord Romilly, and was made plain to him by counsel for the
+petitioner, and still a little plainer by counsel for the principal
+respondent.
+
+"Then up rose Lockwood, an imposing figure, and indicated his appearance
+in the case.
+
+"'What brings _you_ here?' said Lord Romilly, meaning, I presume, 'Why
+need I listen to you?'
+
+"Lockwood looking puzzled, Lord Romilly added a little testily, 'What do
+you come here for?'
+
+"The answer was immediate, unexpected, and, accompanied as it was by a
+dramatic glance at the outside of his brief, as if to refresh his
+memory, triumphant, 'Three and one, my lord!'"
+
+"The following letter is to Mrs. Atkinson:
+
+         1 HARE COURT, TEMPLE, E.C., LONDON.
+             _September 18, '72._
+
+     MY DEAR LOO,--I trust it is well with yourself, John, and the
+     childer.... It is an off-day. We are resting on our legal oars
+     after a prolonged and determined struggle yesterday. Know!
+     that near our native hamlet is the level of Hatfield Chase,
+     whereon are numerous drains. Our drain (speaking from the
+     Corporation of Hatfield Chase point of view) we have stopped,
+     for our own purposes. Consequently, the adjacent lands have
+     been flooded, are flooded, and will continue to be flooded.
+     The landed gentry wish us to remove our dam, saying that if we
+     don't they won't be worth a d--n. We answer that we don't care
+     a d--n.
+
+     This interesting case has been simmering in the law-courts
+     since 1820. The landed gentry got a verdict in their favour at
+     the last Lincoln Assizes, but find themselves little the
+     better, as we have appealed, and our dam still reigns
+     triumphant. Yesterday an application was made to the judge to
+     order our dam to be removed. In the absence of Mellor, I
+     donned my forensic armour and did battle for the Corporation.
+     After two hours' hard fighting, we adjourned for a week; in
+     the meantime the floods may rise, and the winds blow. The
+     farmers yelled with rage when they heard that the dam had got
+     a week's respite. I rather fancy that they will yell louder on
+     Tuesday, as I hope to win another bloodless victory. It is a
+     pretty wanton sport, the cream of the joke being that the dam
+     is no good to us or to anybody else, and we have no real
+     objection to urge against its removal, excepting that such a
+     measure would be informal, and contrary to the law as laid
+     down some hundred years ago by an old gentleman who never
+     heard of a steam-engine, and who would have fainted at the
+     sight of a telegraph post. As we have the most money on our
+     side, I trust we shall win in the end. None of this useful
+     substance, however, comes my way, as it is Mellor's work. But
+     I hope to reap some advantage from it, both as to experience
+     and introduction. I make no apology for troubling you with
+     this long narration. I wish it to sink into your mind, and
+     into that of your good husband. Let it be a warning to you and
+     yours. And never by any chance become involved in any
+     difficulties which will bring you into a court of law of
+     higher jurisdiction than a police court. An occasional 'drunk
+     and disorderly' will do you no harm, and only cost you 5_s._
+     Beyond a little indulgence of this kind--beware! In all
+     probability I shall be in the North in a few weeks. Sessions
+     commence next month. I will write to the Mum this week.--With
+     best love to all, I am, Your affectionate brother,
+
+         FRANK LOCKWOOD."
+
+"Mr. Mellor vouches for the following story, which, as it illustrates
+Lockwood's humour and had gone the round of the newspapers, I will tell.
+It is the ancient custom of the new Lord Mayor of London, attended by
+the Recorder and Sheriffs, to come into the law-courts and be introduced
+to the Lord Chief Justice or, if he is not there, to the senior judge to
+be found on the premises, and, after a little lecture from the Bench, to
+return good for evil by inviting the judges to dinner, only to receive
+the somewhat chilling answer, 'Some of their lordships will attend.' On
+this occasion the ceremony was over, and the Lord Mayor and his retinue
+was retiring from the Court, when his lordship's eye rested on Lockwood,
+who in a new wig was one of the throng by the door. 'Ah, my young
+friend!' said the Lord Mayor in a pompous way (for in those days there
+was no London County Council to teach Lord Mayors humility); 'picking up
+a little law, I suppose?' Lockwood had his answer ready. With a profound
+bow, he replied: 'I shall be delighted to accept your lordship's
+hospitality. I think I heard your lordship name seven as the hour.' The
+Lord Mayor hurried out of Court, and even the policeman (and to the
+police Lord Mayors are almost divine) shook with laughter."
+
+Counsel sometimes find their position so weak that their only hope of
+damaging the other side lies in ridiculing their witnesses. Serjeant
+Parry on one occasion was defending a client against a claim for breach
+of promise of marriage made a few hours after a chance meeting in Regent
+Street. According to the lady's story the introduction had been effected
+through the gentleman offering to protect her from a dog. In course of
+cross-examination Parry said: "You say you were alarmed at two dogs
+fighting, madam?"--"No, no, it was a single dog," was the reply. "What
+you mean, madam," retorted Parry, "is that there was only one dog; but
+whether it was a single dog or a married dog you are not in a position
+to say." With this correction it need not be wondered that the lady had
+little more to say.
+
+A learned counsellor in the midst of an affecting appeal in Court on a
+slander case delivered himself of the following flight of genius.
+"Slander, gentlemen, like a boa constrictor of gigantic size and
+immeasurable proportions, wraps the coil of its unwieldy body about its
+unfortunate victim, and, heedless of the shrieks of agony that come from
+the utmost depths of its victim's soul, loud and reverberating as the
+night thunder that rolls in the heavens, it finally breaks its unlucky
+neck upon the iron wheel of public opinion; forcing him first to
+desperation, then to madness, and finally crushing him in the hideous
+jaws of mortal death."
+
+Talking of his early days at the Bar, Mr. Thomas Edward Crispe, in
+_Reminiscences of a K.C._, relates how on one occasion he was opposed by
+a somewhat eccentric counsel named Wharton, known in his day as the
+"Poet of Pump Court." The case was really a simple one, but Wharton made
+so much of it that when the luncheon half-hour came the judge, Mr.
+Justice Archibald, with some emphasis, addressing Mr. Wharton, said: "We
+will now adjourn, and, Mr. Wharton, I hope you will take the opportunity
+of conferring with your friend Mr. Crispe and settling the matter out of
+Court."
+
+But Wharton would not agree to this, and when at last he had to address
+the jury, he, in the course of his speech, made the following remarks,
+for every word of which Mr. Crispe vouches:
+
+"Gentlemen, I think it only courteous to the learned judge to refer to
+the advice his lordship gave me to settle the matter out of Court. That
+reminds me of a case, tried in a country court, in an action for
+detention of a donkey. The plaintiff was a costermonger and the
+defendant a costermonger; they conducted the case in person. At one
+o'clock the judge said: 'Now, my men, I'm going to have my lunch, and
+before I come back I hope you'll settle your dispute out of Court.' When
+he returned the plaintiff came in with a black eye and the defendant
+with a bleeding nose, and the defendant said: 'Well, your honour, we've
+taken your honour's advice; Jim's given me a good hiding, and I've
+given him back his donkey.'"
+
+Mr. F. E. Smith, M.P., tells a story of a County Court case he was once
+engaged in, in which the plaintiff's son, a lad of eight years, was to
+appear as a witness.
+
+When the youngster entered the box he wore boots several sizes too
+large, a hat that almost hid his face, long trousers rolled up so that
+the baggy knees were at his ankles, and, to complete the picture, a
+swallow-tail coat that had to be held to keep it from sweeping the
+floor. This ludicrous picture was too much for the Court; but the judge,
+between his spasms of laughter, managed to ask the boy his reason for
+appearing in such garb.
+
+With wondering look the lad fished in an inner pocket and hauled the
+summons from it, pointing out a sentence with solemn mien as he did so:
+"To appear in his father's suit" it read.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There have been few readier men in retort than the late Mr. Francis
+Oswald, the author of _Oswald on Contempt of Court_. After a stiff
+breeze in a Chancery Court, the judge snapped out, "Well, I can't teach
+you manners, Mr. Oswald."--"That is so, m'lud, that is so," replied the
+imperturbable one. On another occasion, an irascible judge observed, "If
+you say another word, Mr. Oswald, I'll commit you."--"That raises
+another point--as to your lordship's power to commit counsel engaged in
+arguing before you," was the cool answer.
+
+The author of _Pie Powder_ in his entertaining volume, tells us that he
+was once dining with a barrister who had just taken silk. In the course
+of after-dinner talk, the new K.C. invited his friend to tell him what
+he considered was his (the K.C.'s) chief fault in style. After some
+considerable hesitation his friend admitted that he thought the K.C.
+erred occasionally in being too long. This apparently somewhat annoyed
+the K.C., and his friend feeling he had perhaps spoken too freely,
+thought he would smooth matters by inviting similar criticism of himself
+from the K.C., who at once replied, "My dear boy, I don't think really
+you have any fault. _Except, you know, you are so d--d offensive._"
+
+A judge and a facetious lawyer conversing on the subject of the
+transmigration of souls, the judge said, "If you and I were turned into
+a horse and an ass, which of them would you prefer to be?"--"The ass, to
+be sure," replied the lawyer.--"Why?"--"Because," replied the lawyer, "I
+have heard of an ass being a judge, but of a horse, never."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SERJEANT TALFOURD.]
+
+In some cases counsel receive answers to questions which they had no
+business to put, and these, if not quite to their liking, are what they
+justly deserve. The following story of George Clarke, a celebrated
+negro minstrel, is a case in point. On one occasion, when being examined
+as a witness, he was severely interrogated by a lawyer. "You are in the
+minstrel business, I believe?" inquired the lawyer. "Yes, sir," was the
+reply. "Is not that rather a low calling?"--"I don't know but what it
+is, sir," replied the minstrel; "but it is so much better than my
+father's that I am rather proud of it." The lawyer fell into the trap.
+"What was your father's calling?" he inquired. "He was a lawyer,"
+replied Clarke, in a tone that sent the whole Court into a roar of
+laughter as the discomfited lawyer sat down.
+
+At the Durham Assizes an action was tried which turned out to have been
+brought by one neighbour against another for a trifling matter. The
+plaintiff was a deaf old lady, and after a pause the judge suggested
+that the counsel should get his client to compromise it, and to ask her
+what she would take to settle it. Very loudly counsel shouted out to his
+client: "His lordship wants to know what you will take?" She at once
+replied: "I thank his lordship kindly, and if it's no ill convenience to
+him, I'll take a little _warm ale_."
+
+A tailor sent his bill to a lawyer, and a message to ask for payment.
+The lawyer bid the messenger tell his master that he was not running
+away, and was very busy at the time. The messenger returned and said he
+must have the money. The lawyer testily answered, "Did you tell your
+master that I was not running away?"--"Yes, I did, sir; but he bade me
+tell you that _he was_."
+
+A well-known barrister at the criminal Bar, who prided himself upon his
+skill in cross-examining a witness, had an odd-looking witness upon whom
+to operate. "You say, sir, that the prisoner is a thief?"--"Yes,
+sir--'cause why, she confessed it."--"And you also swear she did some
+repairs for you subsequent to the confession?"--"I do, sir."--"Then,"
+giving a knowing look at the Court, "we are to understand that you
+employ dishonest people to work for you, even after their rascalities
+are known?"--"Of course! How else could I get assistance from a
+lawyer?"--"Stand down!" shouted the man of law.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+At Worcester Assizes, a cause was tried as to the soundness of a horse,
+and a clergyman had been a witness, who gave a very confused account of
+the transaction, and the matters he spoke to. A blustering counsel on
+the other side, after many attempts to get at the facts, said: "Pray,
+sir, do you know the difference between a horse and a cow?"--"I
+acknowledge my ignorance," replied the clergyman. "I hardly know the
+difference between a horse and a cow, or between a bully and a bull.
+Only a bull, I am told, has horns, and a bully," bowing respectfully to
+the counsel, "_luckily for me, has none_."
+
+"In Court one day," says Mr. W. Andrews in _The Lawyer_, "I heard the
+following sharp encounter between a witness and an exceedingly irascible
+old-fashioned solicitor who, among other things, hated the modern custom
+of growing a beard or moustache. He himself grew side-whiskers in the
+most approved style of half a century ago. "Speak up, witness," he
+shouted, "and don't stand mumbling there. If you would shave off that
+unsightly moustache we might be better able to hear what was coming out
+of your lips." "And if you, sir," said the witness quietly, "would shave
+off those side-whiskers you would enable my words to reach your ears.""
+
+"My friend," said an irritable lawyer, "you are an ass."--"Do you mean,
+sir," asked the witness, "that I am your friend because I am an ass, or
+an ass because I am your friend?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Counsel sometimes comes to grief in dealing with experts. "Do you,"
+asked one of a scientist, "know of a substance called Sulphonylic
+Diazotised Sesqui Oxide of Aldehyde?" and he looked round triumphantly.
+"Certainly," came the reply. "It is analogous in diatomic composition of
+Para Sulpho Benzine Azode Methyl Aniline in conjunction with
+Phehekatoline." Counsel said he would pursue the matter no further.
+
+An action was brought by the owner of a donkey which was forced against
+a wall by a waggon and killed. The driver of the donkey was the chief
+witness, and was much bullied by Mr. Raine, the defendant's counsel, so
+that he lost his head and was reprimanded by the judge for not giving
+direct answers, and looking the jury in the face. Mr. Raine had a
+powerful cast in his eye, which probably heightened the poor fellow's
+confusion; and he continued to deal very severely with the witness,
+reminding him again and again of the judge's caution, saying: "Hold up
+your head, man: look up, I say. Can't you hold up your head, fellow?
+Can't you look as I do?" The witness, with much simplicity, at once
+answered, "I can't, you squint." On re-examination, Serjeant Cockle for
+the plaintiff, seeing gleams of the witness's recovery from his
+confusion, asked him to describe the position of the waggon and the
+donkey. After much pressing, at last he said, "Well, my lord judge, I'll
+tell you as how it happened." Turning to Cockle, he said, "You'll
+suppose ye are the wall."--"Aye, aye, just so, go on. I am the wall,
+very good."--"Yes, sir, you are the wall." Then changing his position a
+little, he said, "I am the waggon."--"Yes, very good; now proceed, you
+are the waggon," said the judge. The witness then looked to the judge,
+and hesitating at first, but with a low bow and a look of sudden
+despair, said, "And your lordship's the ass!"
+
+Serjeant Cockle, who had a rough, blustering manner, once got from a
+witness more than he gave. In a trial of a right of fishery, he asked
+the witness: "Dost thou love fish?"--"Aye," replied the witness, with a
+grin, "but I donna like cockle sauce with it." The learned serjeant was
+not pleased with the roar of laughter which followed the remark.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. H. L. Adam in _The Story of Crime_ says he remembers a very amusing
+incident in one of our police courts. A prisoner had engaged a solicitor
+to defend him, and while the latter was speaking on his behalf he
+suddenly broke in with, "Why, he dunno wot the devil he's talking
+abaht!" Thereupon the magistrate informed him that if he was
+dissatisfied with his advocate's capabilities, he could, if he chose,
+defend himself. This he elected to do, and in the end was acquitted, the
+magistrate remarking that had the case been left to counsel he would
+unquestionably have been convicted.
+
+In cross-examining a witness, says Judge Parry in _What the Judge Saw_,
+who had described the effects of an accident, was confronted by counsel
+with his statement, and asked, "But hadn't you told the doctor that
+your thigh was numb and had no feeling?"--"What's the good o' telling
+him anything," replied the witness. "That's where doctor made a mistake.
+I told 'im I was numb i' front, and what does he do but go and stick a
+pin into my back-side. 'E's no doctor."
+
+From the same source is the following story. Another man was testifying
+to an accident that had occurred to him at the works where he was
+employed. It was sought to prove that his testimony was false because he
+had a holiday that day, and this poser was put to him: "Do you mean to
+tell the Court that you came to work when you might have been enjoying a
+holiday?"--"Certainly."--"Why did you do that?" The reply was too
+obviously truthful. "What should I do? I have nowhere to go. I'm
+teetotal now."
+
+A Jew had been condemned to be hanged, and was brought to the gallows
+along with a fellow prisoner; but on the road, before reaching the place
+of execution, a reprieve arrived for the Jew. When informed of this, it
+was expected that he would instantly leave the cart in which he was
+conveyed, but he remained and saw his fellow prisoner hanged. Being
+asked why he did not at once go about his business, he said, "He was
+waiting to see if he could bargain with Mr. Ketch for the _other
+gentleman's clothes_!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A sign-painter presented his bill to a lawyer for payment. After
+examining it the lawyer said, "Do you expect any painter will go to
+heaven if they make such charges as these?"--"I never heard of but one
+that went," said the painter, "and he behaved so badly that they
+determined to turn him out, but there being no lawyer present to draw up
+the Writ of Ejectment, he remained."
+
+This must be the lawyer who, being refused entrance to heaven by St.
+Peter, contrived to throw his hat inside the door; and then, being
+permitted to go and fetch it, took advantage of the Saint being fixed to
+his post as doorkeeper and refused to come back again.
+
+A solicitor who was known to occasionally exceed the limit at lunch
+betrayed so much unsteadiness that the magistrate quickly observed, "I
+think, Mr. ----, you are not quite well, perhaps you had a little too
+much wine at lunch."--"Quite a mistake, your worship," hiccoughed Mr.
+----. "It was brandy and water."
+
+The son-in-law of a Chancery barrister having succeeded to the lucrative
+practice of the latter, came one morning in breathless haste to inform
+him that he had succeeded in bringing nearly to its termination a cause
+which had been pending in the Court for several years. Instead of
+obtaining the expected congratulations of the retired veteran of the
+law, his intelligence was received with indignation. "It was by this
+suit," exclaimed he, "that my father was enabled to provide for me, and
+to portion your wife, and with the exercise of common prudence it would
+have furnished you with the means of providing handsomely for your
+children and grandchildren."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER THREE
+
+THE JUDGES OF IRELAND
+
+
+    "So slow is justice in its ways
+      Beset by more than customary clogs,
+    Going to law in these expensive days
+      Is much the same as going to the dogs."
+
+    WILLOCK: _Legal Faceti�_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER THREE
+
+THE JUDGES OF IRELAND
+
+
+In the days of Queen Anne corruption was rife among Irish judges, as it
+was also among members of the Scottish Bench at an earlier period, and
+it was not uncommon to find the former concurring in Privy Council
+reports issued contrary to evidence. Within the area of the Munster
+Circuit in the early years of the eighteenth century a petition was
+signed and presented to Parliament by clergy, resident gentry, and
+others in the district, because Lord Chancellor Phipps refused to be
+influenced in his decision of cases coming before him, and had thereby
+incurred the displeasure of a certain section of the Irish Parliament.
+Even a Lord Chief Justice was not above taking a gift; and in this
+connection O'Flanagan in _The Munster Circuit_ tells a story of Chief
+Justice Pyne, who was a great cattle-breeder and owner of valuable
+stock. One day before starting for Cork Assizes to try a case in which a
+Mr. Weller and a Mr. Nangle were concerned, he received a visit from the
+former's steward, who had been sent with a herd of twenty-five splendid
+heifers for his lordship. The judge was highly pleased, and returned by
+the steward a gracious message of thanks to his master. On the way to
+Cork the Chief Justice's coach was stopped by a drove of valuable
+shorthorns on the road. Looking out, his lordship demanded of the
+drover, "Whose beasts are these, my man?"--"They belong, please your
+honour, to a great gentleman of these parts, Judge Pyne, your honour,"
+replied the man. "Indeed," cried the Chief Justice in much surprise,
+"and where are you taking them now?"--"They are grazing in my master Mr.
+Nangle's farm, your honour; and as the Assizes are coming on at Cork my
+master thought the judge might like to see that he took good care of
+them, so I'm taking them to Waterpark (his lordship's estate) to show to
+the judge." The judge felt the delicacy of Mr. Nangle's mode of giving
+his present, and putting a guinea in the drover's hand said, "As your
+master has taken such good care of my cattle, I will take care of him."
+When the case came on it appeared at first that the judge favoured the
+plaintiff, Mr. Weller, but as it proceeded he changed his views and
+finally decided for the defendant, Mr. Nangle. On arriving home the
+judge's first question was, "Are the cattle all safe?"--"Perfectly, my
+lord."--"Where are the beasts I received on leaving for the Cork
+Assizes?"--"They are where you left them, my lord."--"Where I left
+them--that is impossible," exclaimed the judge. "I left them on the
+road." The steward looked puzzled. "I'll have a look at them myself,"
+said Chief Justice Pyne. The steward led the way, and pointed out the
+twenty-five fine heifers presented by Mr. Weller, the plaintiff. "But
+where are the shorthorns that came after I left home?"--"Bedad, the
+long and the short of it is, them's all the cattle on the land, except
+what we have bred ourselves, my lord." And so it was. Mr. Nangle, the
+defendant, had so arranged his gift to meet the judge on the road, but
+as soon as his lordship's coach was out of sight the cattle were driven
+back to their familiar fields. The Chief Justice had been outwitted and
+had no power of showing resentment.
+
+In the manners and customs of the legal profession of Ireland in the
+latter part of the eighteenth century, there is also a strong similarity
+between the members of the Scottish Bench and their Irish brethren, in
+that they were heavy port drinkers; and did not hesitate to indulge in
+it while sitting on the Bench. It is reported of one Irish judge that he
+had a specially constructed metal tube like a penholder, through which
+he sucked his favourite liquor, from what appeared to the audience to be
+a metal inkstand. Another judge on being asked if, at a social
+gathering, he had seen a learned brother dance, "Yes," he replied, "I
+saw him in a _reel_"; while Curran referring to a third judge, who had
+condemned a prisoner to death, said, "He did not weep, but he had a drop
+in his eye."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Unblushing effrontery and a bronzed visage gained for John Scott (Lord
+Clonmel) while at the Bar the sobriquet of "Copper-faced Jack." He took
+the popular side in politics, which ordinarily would not have led to
+promotion in his profession; but his outstanding ability attracted the
+attention of Lord Chancellor Lifford, and through his influence Scott
+was offered a place under the Government. On accepting it at the hands
+of Lord Townshend, he said, "My lord, you have spoiled a good patriot."
+Some time after he met Flood, a co-patriot, and addressed him: "Well, I
+suppose you will be abusing me as usual." To which Flood replied: "When
+I began to abuse you, you were a briefless barrister; by abuse I made
+you counsel to the revenue, by abuse I got you a silk gown, by abuse I
+made you Solicitor-General, by abuse I may make you Chief Justice. No,
+Scott, I'll praise you."
+
+When Lord Clonmel was Lord Chief Justice he upheld the undignified
+practice of demanding a shilling for administering an oath, and used to
+be well satisfied, provided the coin was a _good one_. In his time the
+Birmingham shilling was current, and he used the following extraordinary
+precautions to avoid being imposed upon by taking a bad one. "You shall
+true answer make to such questions as shall be demanded of you touching
+this affidavit, so help you God! _Is this a good shilling?_ Are the
+contents of this affidavit true? Is this your name and handwriting?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The family of Henn belonging to Clare have been, generation after
+generation, since the first of the name became Chief Baron in 1679,
+connected with the Irish Bench and Bar. William Henn, a descendant of
+the Chief Baron, was made a Judge of the King's Bench in 1767, and when
+on Circuit at Wexford in 1789 two young barristers contended before him
+with great zeal and pertinacity, each flatly contradicting the other as
+to the law of the case; and both at each turn of the argument again and
+again referred with exemplary confidence to the learned judge, as so
+well knowing that what was said by him (the speaker) was right. The
+judge said, "Well, gentlemen, can I settle this matter between you? You,
+sir, say positively the law is one way; and you, sir (turning to the
+opponent), as unequivocally say it is the other way. I wish to God,
+Billy Harris (leaning over and addressing the registrar who sat beneath
+him), I knew what the law really was!"--"My lord," replied Billy Harris,
+rising, and turning round with great gravity and respect, "if I
+possessed that knowledge, I assure your lordship that I would tell your
+lordship with great pleasure!"--"Then," exclaimed the judge, "we'll save
+the point, Billy Harris!"
+
+Although more appropriate in the following chapter, we may here
+introduce a story of the younger son of the Judge Henn of the previous
+story. Jonathan, who was more distinguished than his elder
+brother--another Judge Henn--did not attain to the Bench. In early
+years he was indifferent whether briefs were given him or not, and
+indeed on one occasion he is said to have sent a message to the
+Attorney-General, who had called to engage him in a case, to keep "his
+d--d brief and to take himself to the d--l." But later he became very
+industrious, and his natural ability soon brought him into a large and
+lucrative practice. He was counsel for the Government at the trial of
+John Mitchell, and at its close the wags of the Court declared that
+"Judge Moore _spoke_ to the evidence, but Jonathan Henn _charged the
+jury_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HUGH CARLETON, VISCOUNT CARLETON, LORD CHIEF JUSTICE OF
+IRELAND.]
+
+Chief Justice Carleton was a most lugubrious judge, and was always
+complaining of something or other, but chiefly about the state of his
+health, so that Curran remarked that it was strange the old judge was
+_plaintive_ in every case tried before him.
+
+One day his lordship came into Court very late, looking very woeful. He
+apologised to the Bar for being obliged to adjourn the Court at once and
+dismiss the jury for that day. "Though," his lordship added, "I am aware
+that an important issue stands for trial. But, the fact is, gentlemen
+(addressing the Bar in a low tone of voice and somewhat confidentially),
+I have met with a domestic misfortune, which has altogether deranged my
+nerves. Poor Lady Carleton has, most unfortunately, miscarried,
+and--." "Oh, then, my lord," exclaimed Curran, "I am sure we are all
+quite satisfied your lordship has done right in deciding there is no
+_issue_ to try to-day." His lordship smiled a ghastly smile, and,
+retiring, thanked the Bar for their sympathy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Judge Foster was trying five prisoners for murder, and misunderstood the
+drift of the evidence. Four of the prisoners seem to have assisted, but
+a witness said as to the fifth, Denis Halligan, that it was he who gave
+the fatal blow: "My lord, I saw Denis Halligan (that's in the dock
+there) take a vacancy (Irish word for 'aim' at an unguarded part) at the
+poor soul that's kilt, and give him a wipe with a _clehalpin_ (Irish
+word for 'bludgeon'), and lay him down as quiet as a child." They were
+found guilty. The judge, sentencing the first four, gave them seven
+years' imprisonment. But when he came to Halligan, who really killed the
+deceased, the judge said, "Denis Halligan, I have purposely reserved the
+consideration of your case to the last. Your crime is doubtless of a
+grievous nature, yet I cannot avoid taking into consideration the
+mitigating circumstances that attend it. By the evidence of the witness
+it clearly appears that _you_ were the only one of the party who showed
+any mercy to the unfortunate deceased. You took him to a vacant seat,
+and wiped him with a clean napkin, and you laid him down with the
+gentleness one shows to a little child. In consideration of these
+extenuating circumstances, which reflect some credit upon you, I shall
+inflict upon you three weeks' imprisonment." So Denis Halligan got off
+by the judge mistaking a vacancy for a vacant seat, and a _clehalpin_
+for a clean napkin.
+
+John Toler (Lord Norbury) was Chief Justice of the Common Pleas in
+Ireland. His humour was broad, and his absolute indifference to
+propriety often saved the situation by converting a serious matter into
+a wholly ludicrous one. His Court was in constant uproar, owing to his
+noisy jesting, and like a noted old Scottish judge he would have his
+joke when the life of a human being was hanging in the balance. Even on
+his own deathbed he could not resist the impulse. On hearing that his
+friend Lord Erne was also nearing his end at the same time, he called
+for his valet: "James," said Lord Norbury, "run round to Lord Erne and
+tell him with my compliments that it will be a _dead_-heat between us."
+
+The best illustration of the almost daily condition of things when Lord
+Norbury presided at Nisi Prius is given by himself in his reply to the
+answer of a witness. "What is your business?" asked the judge. "I keep a
+_racquet-court_, my lord."--"So do I, so do I," immediately exclaimed
+the judge. Nor did he reserve his _bon mots_ for Court merriment.
+Passing the Quay on his way to the Four Courts one morning, he noticed a
+crowd and inquired of a bystander the cause of it. On being told that a
+tailor had just been rescued from attempted suicide by drowning, his
+lordship exclaimed, "What a fool to leave his _hot goose_ for a _cold
+duck_." The boastful statement of a gentleman in his company that he had
+shot seventy hares before breakfast drew from the Chief Justice the
+sarcastic remark, "I suppose, sir, you fired at a wig."
+
+A son of a peer having been accused of arson, of which offence he was
+generally believed guilty, but acquitted on a point of insufficiency of
+evidence to sustain the indictment, was tried before Lord Norbury. The
+young gentleman met the judge next at the Lord-Lieutenant's levee in the
+Castle. Instead of avoiding the Chief Justice, the scion of nobility
+boldly said, "I have recently married, and have come here to enable me
+to present my bride at the Drawing-Room."--"Quite right to mind the
+Scripture. Better marry than burn," retorted Lord Norbury.
+
+A barrister once pressed him to non-suit the plaintiff in a case; but
+his lordship decided to let it go to a jury trial. "I do believe," said
+the disappointed advocate, "your lordship has not the _courage to
+non-suit_."--"You say, sir," replied the irate judge, "you don't believe
+I'd have the courage to non-suit. I tell you I have courage to _shoot_
+and to _non-shoot_, but I'll not non-suit for you." This same counsel
+was once horsewhipped by an army officer at Nelson's Pillar in Sackville
+Street, and applied for a Criminal Information against his assailant.
+"Certainly he shall have it," said the witty judge. "The Court is bound
+to give protection to any one who has _bled under the gallant Nelson_."
+
+On a motion before this judge, a sheriff's officer, who had the
+hardihood to serve a process in Connemara, where the king's writ _did
+not run_, swore that the natives made him eat and swallow both copy and
+original. Norbury, affecting great disgust, exclaimed: "Jackson,
+Jackson, I hope it's not made returnable into this Court."
+
+While giving a judgment on a writ of right, Lord Norbury observed that
+it was not sufficient for a demandant to say he "claimed by descent."
+"Such an answer," he continued, "would be a shrewd one for a sweep, who
+got into your house by coming down the chimney; and it would be an easy,
+as well as a sweeping, way of getting in."
+
+His lordship was attacked by a fit of gout when on Circuit, and sent to
+the Solicitor-General requesting the loan of a pair of large slippers.
+"Take them," said the Solicitor to the servant, "with my respects, and I
+hope soon to be in his lordship's shoes."
+
+At the instigation of O'Connell, Lord Norbury was finally removed from
+the Bench. A flagrant case of partiality was brought to Lord Brougham's
+notice which exasperated Lord Norbury, and he is reported to have said,
+"I'll resign to demand satisfaction. That Scottish Broom wants to be
+made acquainted with an Irish stick."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Two notorious highwaymen were charged before Chief Baron O'Grady with
+robbery, and to the surprise of all the jury returned a verdict of not
+guilty. "Mr. Murphy," said the judge to the gaoler, "you will greatly
+ease my mind by keeping these two respectable gentlemen in custody until
+seven o'clock. I leave for Dublin at five, and I should like to have at
+least two hours' start of them." There is also the story of a barrister
+who made an eloquent speech and got his client off, but he was very
+anxious to know whether the prisoner was guilty or not. "Well, sir,"
+said the man when applied to, "to tell the truth I thought I was guilty
+until I heard you speak, and then I didn't see how I could be." This at
+once recalls an old story. "Prisoner, I understand you confess your
+guilt," said the judge. "No, I don't," said the prisoner. "My counsel
+has convinced me of my innocence."
+
+On hearing that some spendthrift barristers, friends of his, were
+appointed to be Commissioners of Insolvent Debtors the Chief Baron
+remarked, "At all events, the insolvents can't complain of not being
+tried by their peers." It was the same judge who caustically observed,
+after a long and dull legal argument: "I agree with my brother J----,
+for the reasons given by my brother M----." A prisoner once was given a
+practical specimen of his lordship's wit, and must have been rather
+distressed by it. He was passing sentence upon a pickpocket, and
+ordering a punishment common at that time. "You will be whipped from
+North Gate to South Gate," said the judge. "Bad luck to you, you old
+blackguard," said the prisoner. "--And back again," said the Chief
+Baron, as if he had been interrupted in the delivery of the sentence.
+
+A cause of much celebrity was tried at a county Assize, at which Chief
+Baron O'Grady presided. Bushe, then a K.C., who held a brief for the
+defence, was pleading the cause of his client with much eloquence, when
+a donkey in the courtyard outside set up a loud bray. "One at a time,
+brother Bushe!" called out his lordship. Peals of laughter filled the
+Court. The counsel bore the interruption as best he could. The judge was
+proceeding to sum up with his usual ability: the donkey again began to
+bray. "I beg your lordship's pardon," said Bushe, putting his hand to
+his ear; "but there is such an echo in the Court that I can't hear a
+word you say."
+
+In his charges to juries, O'Grady frequently made some quaint remarks.
+There was a Kerry case in which a number of men were indicted for riot
+and assault. Several of them bore the familiar names of O'Donoghue,
+Moriarty, Duggan, &c., while among the jurymen these names were also
+found. Well knowing that consanguinity was prevalent in the district,
+the judge began his address to the jury with the significant remark: "Of
+course, gentlemen, you will acquit your own relatives." In another case
+of larceny of pantaloons which was clearly proved, but in which the
+thief got a good character for honesty, he began: "Gentlemen, the
+prisoner was an honest boy, but he stole the pantaloons."
+
+"I merely wish to address your lordship on the form of the indictment,
+if your lordship pleases," said a young barrister to the Chief Baron.
+"Oh, certainly, I will hear you with mighty great pleasure, sir; but
+I'll be after taking the verdict of the jury first," was the sarcastic
+reply.
+
+The brother of Chief Baron O'Grady once caught a boy stealing turnips
+from one of his fields and asked his lordship if the culprit could be
+prosecuted under the Timber Acts. "No," said the Chief Baron, "unless
+you can prove that your turnips are sticky."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Yelverton, first Baron Avonmore, possessed remarkable rhetorical
+ability and a highly cultivated mind. He rose rapidly at the Bar, until
+he became Chief Baron of Exchequer. He was the founder of the convivial
+order of St. Patrick, called "The Monks of the Screw," of which Curran,
+who wrote its charter song, was Prior. Avonmore was a man of warm and
+benevolent feelings, which he gave vent to in an equal degree in private
+life, in the senate, and on the Bench.
+
+Before giving an anecdote of Lord Avonmore it may interest readers,
+especially English and Scottish, to quote here the charter song of this
+famous Irish convivial club of the eighteenth century.
+
+    THE CHARTER SONG OF THE
+    MONKS OF THE SCREW
+
+    When St. Patrick this order establish'd,
+    He called us the "Monks of the Screw"!
+    Good rules he reveal'd to our Abbot,
+    To guide us in what we should do.
+    But first he replenish'd our fountain,
+    With liquor the best in the sky;
+    And he swore on the word of a saint
+    That the fountain should never run dry.
+
+    Each year when your octaves approach,
+    In full chapter convened let me find you,
+    And when to the convent you come
+    Leave your favourite temptation behind you;
+    And be not a glass in your convent,
+    Unless on a festival found;
+    And this rule to enforce I ordain it,
+    Our festival all the year round.
+
+    My brethren, be chaste till you're tempted;
+    While sober be grave and discreet;
+    And humble your bodies with fasting,
+    As oft as you've nothing to eat.
+    Yet, in honour of fasting, one lean face
+    Among you I'll always require,
+    If the Abbot should please he may wear it--
+    If not, let it come to the Prior.
+
+The last two lines hit off the appearance of the Abbot, a Mr. Doyle, and
+of the Prior, J. P. Curran. The former was a big burly man with a fat,
+jovial face, while Curran was a short and particularly spare man whose
+"lean face" always attracted attention.
+
+On a Lent Circuit, one of the Assize towns happened to be a place, of
+which one of Lord Avonmore's college contemporaries held a living: at
+his own request, the Chief Baron's reverend friend preached the Assize
+sermon. The time being the month of March the weather was cold, the
+judge was chilled, and unhappily the sermon was long, and the preacher
+tedious. After the discourse was over, the preacher descended from the
+pulpit and approached the judge, smirking and smiling, looking fully
+satisfied with his own exertions, and expecting to receive the
+compliments and congratulations of his quondam chum. "Well, my lord,"
+he asked, "and how did you like the sermon?"--"Oh! most wonderfully,"
+replied Avonmore. "It was like the peace of God--it passed all
+understanding; and--like his mercy--I thought it would have endured for
+ever."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When Plunket was at the Bar his great friend and rival was C. K. Bushe.
+The former was Attorney-General at the same time as the latter was
+Solicitor-General, and it caused him much dissatisfaction when Plunket
+learned that on a change of Government Solicitor-General Bushe had not
+followed his example and resigned office. At the time this occurred both
+barristers happened to be engaged in a case at which, when it was
+called, Bushe only appeared. On the judge inquiring of Mr. Bushe if he
+knew the reason of Mr. Plunket's absence his friend jocosely remarked,
+"I suppose, my lord, he is Cabinet-making." This pleasantry, at his
+expense, was told to Plunket by a friend, when he arrived in Court, on
+which, turning to the judge, the ex-Attorney-General proudly said, "I
+assure your lordship I am not so well qualified for Cabinet-making as my
+learned friend. I never was either a _turner_ or a _joiner_."
+
+Two eminent Irish astronomers differed in an argument on the parallax of
+a lyr�--the one maintaining that it was three seconds, and the other
+that it was only two seconds. On being told of this discussion, and
+that the astronomers parted without arriving at an agreement, Plunket
+quietly remarked: "It must be a very serious quarrel indeed, when even
+the seconds cannot agree."
+
+Once applying the common expression to accommodation bills of exchange,
+that they were _mere kites_, the judge, an English Chancellor, said "he
+never heard that expression applied before to any but the kites of
+boys."--"Oh," replied Plunket, "that's the difference between kites in
+England and in Ireland. In England the wind raises the kite, but in
+Ireland the kite raises the wind."
+
+Everybody (says Phillips) knew how acutely Plunket felt his forced
+resignation of the chancellorship, and his being superseded by Lord
+Campbell. A violent storm arose on the day of Campbell's expected
+arrival, and a friend remarking to Plunket how sick of his promotion the
+passage must have made the new Chancellor: "Yes," said the former,
+ruefully, "but it won't make him throw up the seals."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. Frankfort Moore, in his _Journalist's Notebook_, relates how Justice
+Lawson summed up in the case of a man who was charged with stealing a
+pig. The evidence of the theft was quite conclusive, and, in fact, was
+not combated; but the prisoner called the priests and neighbours to
+attest to his good character. "Gentlemen of the jury," said the judge,
+"I think that the only conclusion you can arrive at is, that the pig was
+stolen by the prisoner, and that he is the most amiable man in the
+country."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER FOUR
+
+THE BARRISTERS OF IRELAND
+
+
+     "'Men that hire out their words and anger'; that are more or
+     less passionate according as they are paid for it, and allow
+     their client a quantity of wrath proportionable to the fee
+     which they receive from him."
+
+     ADDISON: _The Spectator_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER FOUR
+
+THE BARRISTERS OF IRELAND
+
+
+The Irish counsel like the occupants of the Bench were, in early times,
+eminent for their jolly carousing. Once, about 1687, a heavy argument
+coming on before Lord Chancellor Fitton, Mr. Nagle, the solicitor,
+retained Sir Toby Butler as counsel, who entered into a bargain that he
+would not drink a drop of wine while the case was at hearing. This
+bargain reached the ears of the Chancellor, who asked Sir Toby if it was
+true that such a compact had been made. The counsel said it was true,
+and the bargain had been rigidly kept; but on further inquiry he
+admitted that as he had only promised not to _drink_ a _drop_ of wine,
+he felt he must have some stimulant. So he got a basin, into which he
+poured two bottles of claret, and then got two hot rolls of bread,
+sopped them in the claret and ate them. "I see," replied the Chancellor;
+"in truth, Sir Toby, you deserve to be master of the rolls!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: JOHN P. CURRAN, MASTER OF ROLLS.]
+
+One naturally turns to Curran for a selection of the witty sayings of
+the Irish Bar, and abundantly he supplies them, although in these days
+many of his jests may be considered as in somewhat doubtful taste.
+Phillips tells us he remembered Curran once--in an action for breach of
+promise of marriage, in which he was counsel for the defendant, a young
+clergyman--thus appealing to the jury: "Gentlemen, I entreat you not to
+ruin this young man by a vindictive verdict; for _though_ he has
+talents, and is in the Church, _he may rise_!"
+
+After his college career Curran went to London to study for the
+Bar. His circumstances were often straitened, and at times so much
+so that he had to pass the day without dinner. But under such
+depressing circumstances his high spirits never forsook him. One
+day he was sitting in St. James's Park merrily whistling a tune
+when a gentleman passed, who, struck by the youth's melancholy
+appearance while, at the same time, he whistled a lively air, asked
+how he "came to be sitting there whistling while other people were
+at dinner." Curran replied, "I would have been at dinner too, but a
+trifling circumstance--delay in remittances--obliges me to dine on
+an Irish tune." The result was that Curran was invited to dine with
+the stranger, and years afterwards, when he had become famous, he
+recalled the incident to his entertainer--Macklin, the celebrated
+actor--with the assurance, "You never acted better in your life."
+
+From Phillips again we have Curran's retort upon an Irish judge, who was
+quite as remarkable for his good humour and raillery as for his legal
+researches. Curran was addressing a jury on one of the State trials in
+1803 with his usual animation. The judge, whose political bias, if any
+judge can have one, was certainly supposed not to be favourable to the
+prisoner, shook his head in doubt or denial of one of the advocate's
+arguments. "I see, gentlemen," said Curran, "I see the motion of his
+lordship's head; common observers might imagine that implied a
+difference of opinion, but they would be mistaken; it is merely
+accidental. Believe me, gentlemen, if you remain here many days, you
+will yourselves perceive that when his lordship shakes his head, there's
+_nothing in it_!"
+
+Curran was one day engaged in a case in which he had for a junior a
+remarkably tall and slender gentleman, who had been originally intended
+to take orders. The judge observing that the case under discussion
+involved a question of ecclesiastical law, Curran interposed with: "I
+refer your lordship to a high authority behind me, who was once intended
+for the Church, though in my opinion he was fitter for the steeple."
+
+He was one day walking with a friend, who, hearing a person say
+"curosity" for "curiosity," exclaimed: "How that man murders the English
+language!"--"Not so bad as that," replied Curran. "He has only knocked
+an 'i' out."
+
+Curran never joined the hunt, except once, not far from Dublin. His
+horse joined very keenly in the sport, but the horseman was inwardly
+hoping all the while that the dogs would not find. In the midst of his
+career, the hounds broke into a potato field of a wealthy land-agent,
+who happened to have been severely cross-examined by Curran some days
+before. The fellow came up patronisingly and said, "Oh sure, you are
+Counsellor Curran, the great lawyer. Now then, Mr. Lawyer, can you tell
+me by what law you are trespassing on my ground?"--"By what law, did you
+ask, Mr. Maloney?" replied Curran. "It must be the _Lex Tally-ho-nis_,
+to be sure."
+
+During one of the Circuits, Curran was dining with a brother advocate at
+a small inn kept by a worthy woman known by the Christian name of
+Honoria, or, as it is generally called, Honor. The gentlemen were so
+pleased with their entertainment that they summoned Honor to receive
+their compliments and drink a glass of wine with them. She attended at
+once, and Curran after a brief eulogium on the dinner filled a glass,
+and handing it to the landlady proposed as a toast "Honor and Honesty,"
+to which the lady with an arch smile added, "Our absent friends," drank
+off her amended toast and withdrew.
+
+He happened one day to have for his companion in a stage-coach a very
+vulgar and revolting old woman, who seemed to have been encrusted with a
+prejudice against Ireland and all its inhabitants. Curran sat chafing in
+silence in his corner. At last, suddenly, a number of cows, with their
+tails and heads in the air, kept rushing up and down the road in
+alarming proximity to the coach windows. The old woman manifestly was
+but ill at ease. At last, unable to restrain her terror, she faltered
+out, "Oh dear; oh dear, sir! what can the cows mean?"--"Faith, my good
+woman," replied Curran, "as there's an Irishman in the coach, I
+shouldn't wonder if they were on the outlook for _a bull_!"
+
+Curran was once asked what an Irish gentleman, just arrived in England,
+could mean by perpetually putting out his tongue. "I suppose," replied
+the wit, "he's trying _to catch the English accent_."
+
+During the temporary separation of Lord Avonmore and Curran, Egan
+espoused the judge's imaginary quarrel so bitterly that a duel was the
+consequence. The parties met, and on the ground Egan complained that the
+disparity in their sizes gave his antagonist a manifest advantage. "I
+might as well fire at a razor's edge as at him," said Egan, "and he may
+hit me as easily as a turf-stack."--"I'll tell you what, Mr. Egan,"
+replied Curran; "I wish to take no advantage of you--let my _size_ be
+_chalked_ out upon your side, and I am quite content that every shot
+which hits outside that mark should _go for nothing_." And in another
+duel, in which his opponent was a major who had taken offence at some
+remark the eminent counsel had made about him in Court, the major asked
+Curran to fire first. "No," replied Curran, "I am here on your
+invitation, so you must _open the ball_."
+
+Sir Thomas Furton, who was a respectable speaker, but certainly nothing
+more, affected once to discuss the subject of eloquence with Curran,
+assuming an equality by no means palatable to the latter. Curran
+happening to mention, as a peculiarity of his, that he could not speak
+above a quarter of an hour without requiring something to moisten his
+lips, Sir Thomas, pursuing his comparisons, declared _he_ had the
+advantage in that respect. "I spoke," said he, "the other night in the
+Commons for five hours on the Nabob of Oude, and never felt in the least
+thirsty."--"It is very remarkable, indeed," replied Curran, "for
+everyone agrees that was the _driest_ speech of the session."
+
+Lord Clare (says Mr. Hayward) had a favourite dog which was permitted to
+follow him to the Bench. One day, during an argument of Curran's, the
+Chancellor turned aside and began to fondle the dog, with the obvious
+view of intimating inattention or disregard. The counsel stopped; the
+judge looked up: "I beg your pardon," continued Curran, "I thought your
+lordship had been in consultation."
+
+Curran often raised a laugh at Lord Norbury's expense. The laws, at that
+period, made capital punishment so general that nearly all crimes were
+punishable with death by the rope. It was remarked Lord Norbury never
+hesitated to condemn the convicted prisoner to the gallows. Dining in
+company with Curran, who was carving some corned beef, Lord Norbury
+inquired, "Is that hung beef, Mr. Curran?"--"Not yet, my lord," was the
+reply; "you have not _tried_ it."
+
+"A doldrum, Mr. Curran! What does the witness mean by saying you put him
+in a doldrum?" asked Lord Avonmore. "Oh, my lord, it is a very common
+complaint with persons of this description; it's merely a confusion of
+the head arising from a corruption of the heart."
+
+Angered one day in debate, he put his hand on his heart, saying, "I am
+the trusty guardian of my own honour."--"Then," replied Sir Boyle Roche,
+"I congratulate my honourable friend in the snug little sinecure to
+which he has appointed himself."
+
+But on one occasion he met his match in a pert, jolly, keen-eyed son of
+Erin, who was up as a witness in a case of dispute in the matter of a
+horse deal. Curran was anxious to break down the credibility of this
+witness, and thought to do it by making the man contradict himself--by
+tangling him up in a network of adroitly framed questions--but to no
+avail. The ostler's good common sense, and his equanimity and good
+nature, were not to be upset. Presently, Curran, in a towering rage,
+thundered forth, as no other counsel would have dared to do in the
+presence of the Court: "Sir, you are incorrigible! The truth is not to
+be got from you, for it is not in you. I see the villain in your
+face!"--"Faith, yer honour," replied the witness, with the utmost
+simplicity of truth and honesty, "my face must be moighty clane and
+shinin' indade, if it can reflect like that." For once in his life the
+great barrister was floored by a simple witness. He could not recover
+from that repartee, and the case went against him.
+
+When Curran heard that there was a likelihood of trouble for the part he
+took in 1798, and that in all probability he would be deprived of the
+rank of Q.C., he remarked: "They may take away the _silk_, but they
+leave the _stuff_ behind."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Bully" Egan had a great muscular figure, as may be guessed from the
+story of the duel with Curran. To his bulk he added a stentorian voice,
+which he freely used in Nisi Prius practice to browbeat opposing counsel
+and witnesses, and through which he acquired his _sobriquet_. On one
+occasion his opponent was a dark-visaged barrister who had made out a
+good case for his client. Egan, in the course of an eloquent address,
+begged the jury not to be carried away by the "dark oblivion of a
+brow."--"What do you mean by using such balderdash?" said a friend. "It
+may be balderdash," replied Egan, "but depend upon it, it will do very
+well for that jury." On another occasion he concluded a vituperative
+address by describing the defendant as "a most naufrageous
+ruffian."--"What sort of a ruffian is that?" whispered his junior. "I
+have no idea," responded Egan, "but I think _it sounds well_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+H. D. Grady was a strong supporter, in the Irish Parliament, of the
+Union of Great Britain and Ireland, although he represented a
+constituency strongly opposed to it; and he did not conceal the fact
+that the Government had made it worth his while to support them. "What!"
+exclaimed one of his constituents who remonstrated with him; "do you
+mean to sell your country?"--"Thank God," cried this patriot, "I have a
+country to sell."
+
+For his Court work this anti-Nationalist barrister had what he called
+his "jury-eye." When he wanted a jury to note a particular point he kept
+winking his right eye at them. Entering the Court one day looking very
+depressed, a sympathetic friend asked if he was quite well, adding, "You
+are not so lively as usual."--"How can I be," replied Grady, "my
+jury-eye is out of order."
+
+He was examining a foreign sailor at Cork Assizes. "You are a Swede, I
+believe?"--"No, I am not."--"What are you then?"--"I am a Dane." Grady
+turned to the jury, "Gentlemen, you hear the equivocating scoundrel. _Go
+down, sir!_"
+
+Judge Boyd who, according to O'Connell, was guilty of sipping his wine
+through a peculiarly made tube from a metal inkstand, to which we have
+already referred, one day presided at a trial where a witness was
+charged with being intoxicated at the time he was speaking about. Mr.
+Harry Grady laboured hard to show that the man had been sober. Judge
+Boyd at once interposed and said: "Come now, my good man, it is a very
+important consideration; tell the Court truly, were you drunk or were
+you sober upon that occasion?"--"Oh, quite sober, my Lord." Grady added,
+with a significant look at the _inkstand_, "As sober as a judge!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. Bethell, a barrister at the time of the Union of Ireland and Great
+Britain, like many of his brethren, published a pamphlet on that
+much-vexed subject. Mr. Lysaght, meeting him, said: "Bethell, you never
+told me you had published a pamphlet on the Union. The one I saw
+contained some of the best things I have ever seen in any of these
+publications."--"I am proud you think so," rejoined the other eagerly.
+"Pray what was the thing that pleased you so much?"--"Well," replied
+Lysaght, "as I passed a pastry-cook's shop this morning, I saw a girl
+come out with three hot mince-pies wrapped up in one of your
+productions!"
+
+"Pleasant Ned Lysaght," as his familiar friends called him, meeting a
+Dublin banker one day offered himself as an assistant if there was a
+vacancy in the bank's staff. "You, my dear Lysaght," said the banker;
+"what position could you fill?"--"Two," was the reply. "If you made me
+_cashier_ for one day, I'll become _runner_ the next."
+
+And it was Lysaght who made a neat pun on his host's name at a dinner
+party during the Munster Circuit. The gentleman, named Flatly, was in
+the habit of inviting members of the Bar to his house when the Court was
+held in Limerick. One evening the conversation turned upon matrimony,
+and surprise was expressed that their host still remained a bachelor. He
+confessed that he never had had the courage to propose to a young lady.
+"Depend upon it," said Lysaght, "if you ask any girl _boldly_ she will
+not refuse you, _Flatly_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+O'Flanagan, author of _The Lord Chancellors of Ireland_, writes of
+Holmes, an Irish barrister: "He made us laugh very much one day in the
+Queen's Bench. I was waiting for some case in which I was counsel, when
+the crier called, 'Pluck and Diggers,' and in came James Scott, Q.C.,
+very red and heated, and, throwing his bag on the table within the bar,
+he said, 'My lords, I beg to assure your lordships I feel so exhausted I
+am quite unable to argue this case. I have been speaking for three hours
+in the Court of Exchequer, and I am quite tired; and pray excuse me, my
+lords, I must get some refreshment.' The Chief Justice bowed, and said,
+'Certainly, Mr. Scott.' So that gentleman left the Court. 'Mr. Holmes,
+you are in this case,' said the Chief Justice; 'we'll be happy to hear
+you.'--'Really, my lord, I am very tired too,' said Mr. Holmes.
+'Surely,' said the Chief Justice, 'you have not been speaking for three
+hours in the Court of Exchequer? What has tired you?'--'Listening to Mr.
+Scott,' was Holmes' sarcastic reply."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Although rivals in their profession, C. K. Bushe had a great admiration
+for Plunket's abilities, and would not listen to any disparagement of
+them. One day while Plunket was speaking at the Bar a friend said to
+Bushe, "Well, if it was not for the eloquence, I'd as soon listen to
+----," who was a very prosy speaker. "No doubt," replied Bushe, "just as
+the Connaught man said, ''Pon my conscience if it was not for the malt
+and the hops, I'd as soon drink ditch water as porter.'"
+
+There is an impromptu of Bushe's upon two political agitators of the day
+who had declined an appeal to arms, one on account of his wife, the
+other from the affection in which he held his daughter:
+
+    "Two heroes of Erin, abhorrent of slaughter,
+    Improved on the Hebrew command--
+    One honoured his wife, and the other his daughter,
+    That 'their' days might be long in 'the land.'"
+
+A young barrister once tried to raise a laugh at the Mess dinner at the
+expense of "Jerry Keller," a barrister who was prominent in social
+circles of Dublin, and whose cousin, a wine merchant, held the contract
+for supplying wine to the Mess cellar. "I have noticed," said the
+junior, "that the claret bottles are growing smaller and smaller at each
+Assizes since your cousin became our wine merchant."--"Whist!" replied
+Jerry; "don't you be talking of what you know nothing about. It's quite
+natural the bottles should be growing smaller, because we all know _they
+shrink in the washing_."
+
+An ingenious expedient was devised to save a prisoner charged with
+robbery in the Criminal Court at Dublin. The principal thing that
+appeared in evidence against him was a confession, alleged to have been
+made by him at the police office. The document, purporting to contain
+this self-criminating acknowledgment, was produced by the officer, and
+the following passage was read from it:
+
+    "Mangan said he never robbed but twice
+    Said it was Crawford."
+
+This, it will be observed, has no mark of the writer having any notion
+of punctuation, but the meaning attached to it was, that
+
+    "Mangan said he never robbed but twice.
+    _Said it was Crawford._"
+
+Mr. O'Gorman, the counsel for the prisoner, begged to look at the paper.
+He perused it, and rather astonished the peace officer by asserting,
+that so far from its proving the man's guilt, it clearly established his
+innocence. "This," said the learned gentleman, "is the fair and obvious
+reading of the sentence:
+
+    "Mangan said he never robbed;
+    _But twice said it was Crawford_."
+
+This interpretation had its effect on the jury, and the man was
+acquitted.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There were two barristers at the Irish Bar who formed a singular
+contrast in their stature--Ninian Mahaffy was as much above the middle
+size as Mr. Collis was below it. When Lord Redsdale was Lord Chancellor
+of Ireland these two gentlemen chanced to be retained in the same cause
+a short time after his lordship's elevation, and before he was
+personally acquainted with the Irish Bar. Mr. Collis was opening the
+motion, when the Lord Chancellor observed, "Mr. Collis, when a barrister
+addresses the Court, he must stand."--"I am standing on the bench, my
+lord," said Collis. "I beg a thousand pardons," said his lordship,
+somewhat confused. "Sit down, Mr. Mahaffy."--"I am sitting, my lord,"
+was the reply to the confounded Chancellor.
+
+A barrister who was present on this occasion made it the subject of the
+following epigram:
+
+    "Mahaffy and Collis, ill-paired in a case,
+    Representatives true of the rattling size ace;
+    To the heights of the law, though I hope you will rise,
+    You will never be judges I'm sure of a(s)size."
+
+A very able barrister, named Collins, had the reputation of occasionally
+involving his adversary in a legal net, and, by his superior subtlety,
+gaining his cause. On appearing in Court in a case with the eminent
+barrister, Mr. Pigot, Q.C., there arose a question as to who should be
+leader, Mr. Collins being the senior in standing at the Bar, Mr. Pigot
+being one of the Queen's Counsel. "I yield," said Mr. Collins; "my
+friend holds the honours."--"Faith, if he does, Stephen," observed Mr.
+Herrick, "'tis you have all the tricks."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DANIEL O'CONNELL, "THE LIBERATOR."]
+
+It is told by one of O'Connell's biographers that he never prepared his
+addresses to judges or juries--he trusted to the inspiration of the
+moment. He had at command humour and pathos, invective and argument; he
+was quick-witted and astonishingly ready in repartee, and he brought all
+these into play, as he found them serviceable in influencing the bench
+or the jury-box.
+
+Lord Manners, Lord Chancellor of Ireland, stopped several of the many
+counsels in a Chancery suit by saying he had made up his mind. He, in
+fact, lost his temper as each in succession rose, and he declined them
+in turn. At last O'Connell, one of the unheard counsel, began in his
+deepest and most emphatic tone: "Well then, my lord, since your lordship
+refuses to hear my learned friend, you will be pleased to hear ME"; and
+then he plunged into the case, without waiting for any expression,
+assent or dissent, or allowing any interruption. On he went, discussing
+and distinguishing, and commenting and quoting, till he secured the
+attention of, and evidently was making an impression on, the unwilling
+judge. Every few minutes O'Connell would say: "Now, my lord, my learned
+young friend beside me, had your lordship heard him, would have informed
+your lordship in a more impressive and lucid manner than I can hope to
+do," etcetera, until he finished a masterly address. The Lord Chancellor
+next morning gave judgment in favour of O'Connell's client.
+
+He was engaged in a will case, the allegation being that the will was a
+forgery. The subscribing witness swore that the will had been signed by
+the deceased "while life was in him"--that being an expression derived
+from the Irish language, which peasants who have long ceased to speak
+Irish still retain. The evidence was strong in favour of the will, when
+O'Connell was struck by the persistency of the man, who always repeated
+the same words, "The life was in him." O'Connell asked: "On the virtue
+of your oath, was he alive?"--"By the virtue of my oath, the life was
+in him."--"Now I call upon you in the presence of your Maker, who will
+one day pass sentence on you for this evidence, I solemnly ask--and
+answer me at your peril--was there not a live fly in the dead man's
+mouth when his hand was placed on the will?" The witness was taken aback
+at this question; he trembled, turned pale, and faltered out an abject
+confession that the counsellor was right; a fly had been introduced into
+the mouth of the dead man, to allow the witness to swear that "life was
+in him."
+
+O'Connell was defending John Connor on a charge of murder. The most
+incriminating evidence was the finding of the murderer's hat, left
+behind on the road. The all-important question was as to the
+identity of the hat as that of the accused man. A constable was
+prepared to swear to it. "You found this hat?" said O'Connell.
+"Yes."--"You examined it?"--"Yes."--"You know it to be the
+prisoner's property?"--"Yes."--"When you picked it up you saw it
+was damaged?"--"Yes."--"And looking inside you saw the prisoner's
+name, J-O-H-N C-O-N-N-O-R?" (here he spelt out the name slowly).
+"Yes," was the answer. "There is no name inside at all, my lord,"
+said O'Connell, and the prisoner was saved.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Explaining to a judge his absence from the Civil Court at the time a
+case was heard, in which he should have appeared as counsel, O'Connell
+said he could not leave a client in the Criminal Court until the verdict
+was given. "What was it?" inquired the judge. "Acquitted," responded
+O'Connell. "Then you have got off a wretch who is not fit to live," said
+the judge. O'Connell, knowing his lordship to be a very religious man,
+at once replied: "I am sure you will agree with me that a man whom you
+regard as not fit to _live_ would be still more _unfit_ to die."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There was a young barrister--a contemporary of O'Connell--named Parsons,
+who had a good deal of humour, and who hated the whole tribe of
+attorneys. Perhaps they had not treated him very well, but his prejudice
+against them was very constant and conspicuous. One day, in the Hall of
+the Four Courts, an attorney came up to him to beg a subscription
+towards burying a brother attorney who had died in distressed
+circumstances. Parsons took out a one-pound note and tendered it. "Oh,
+Mr. Parsons," said the applicant, "I do not want so much--I only ask a
+shilling from each contributor. I have limited myself to that, and I
+cannot really take more."--"Oh, take it, take it," said Parsons; "for
+God's sake, my good sir, take the pound, and while you are at it bury
+twenty of them."
+
+There is a terseness in the following which seems to be inimitable.
+Lord Norbury was travelling with Parsons; they passed a gibbet.
+"Parsons," said Norbury, with a chuckle, "where would _you_ be now if
+every one had his due?"--"Alone in my carriage," replied Parsons.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Here is a young Irishman's first Bar-speech. "Your lordships perceive
+that we stand here as our grandmothers' administrators _de bonis non_;
+and really, my lords, it does strike me that it would be a monstrous
+thing to say that a party can now come in, in the very teeth of an Act
+of Parliament, and actually turn us round, under colour of hanging us
+up, on the foot of a contract made behind our backs."
+
+A learned Serjeant MacMahon was noted for his confusion of language in
+his efforts to be sublime. He cared less for the sense than the sound.
+As, for example: "Gentlemen of the jury, I smell a rat--but I'll nip it
+in the bud." And, "My client acted boldly. He saw the storm brewing in
+the distance, but he was not dismayed! He took the bull by the horns and
+he _indicted him for perjury_."
+
+Peter Burrowes, a well-known member of the Irish Bar, was on one
+occasion counsel for the prosecution at an important trial for murder.
+Burrowes had a severe cold, and opened his speech with a box of lozenges
+in one hand and in the other the small pistol bullet by which the man
+had met his death. Between the pauses of his address he kept supplying
+himself with a lozenge. But at last, in the very middle of a
+'high-falutin' period, he stopped. His legal chest heaved, his eyes
+seemed starting from his head, and in a voice tremulous with fright he
+exclaimed: "Oh! h-h!!! Gentlemen, gentlemen; I've swallowed the
+bul-let!"
+
+An Irish counsel who was once asked by the judge for whom he was
+"concerned," replied: "My lord, I am retained by the defendant, and
+therefore I am concerned for the plaintiff."
+
+A junior at the Bar in course of his speech began to use a simile of
+"the eagle soaring high above the mists of the earth, winning its daring
+flight against a midday sun till the contemplation becomes too dazzling
+for humanity, and mortal eyes gaze after it in vain." Here the orator
+was noticed to falter and lose the thread of his speech, and sat down
+after some vain attempts to regain it; the judge remarking: "The next
+time, sir, you bring an eagle into Court, I should recommend you to clip
+its wings."
+
+Mr. Tim Healy's power of effective and stinging repartee is probably
+unexcelled. He is seldom at a loss for a retort, and there are not a few
+politicians and others who regret having been foolish enough to rouse
+his resentment. There is on record, however, an amusing interlude in the
+passing of which Tim was discomfited--crushed, and found himself unable
+to "rise to the occasion."
+
+During the hearing of a case at the Recorder's Court in Dublin the
+Testament on which the witnesses were being sworn disappeared. After a
+lengthy hunt for it, counsel for the defendant noticed that Mr. Healy
+had taken possession of the book, and was deeply absorbed in its
+contents, and quite unconscious of the dismay its disappearance was
+causing.
+
+"I think, sir," said the counsel, addressing the Recorder, "that Mr.
+Healy has the Testament." Hearing his name mentioned, Mr. Healy looked
+up, realised what had occurred, and, with apologies, handed it over.
+
+"You see, sir," added the counsel, "Mr. Healy was so interested that he
+did not know of our loss. He took it for a new publication." For once
+Mr. Healy's nimble wit failed him, and forced him to submit to the
+humiliation of being scored off.
+
+In the North of Ireland the peasantry pronounce the word witness
+"wetness." At Derry Assizes a man said he had brought his "wetness" with
+him to corroborate his evidence. "Bless me," said the judge, "about what
+age are you?"--"Forty-two my last birthday, my lord," replied the
+witness. "Do you mean to tell the jury," said the judge, "that at your
+age you still have a wet nurse?"--"Of course I have, my lord." Counsel
+hereupon interposed and explained.
+
+The witness who gave the following valuable testimony, however, was
+probably keeping strictly to fact. "I sees Phelim on the top of the
+wall. 'Paddy,' he says. 'What,' says I. 'Here,' says he. 'Where?' says
+I. 'Hush,' says he. 'Whist,' says I. And that's all."
+
+The wit of the Irish Bar seems to infect even the officers of the Courts
+and the people who enter the witness-box. It is impossible, for example,
+not to admire the fine irony of the usher who, when he was told to clear
+the Court, called out: "All ye blaggards that are not lawyers lave the
+building."
+
+Irish judges have much greater difficulties to contend against, because
+the people with whom they have to deal have a fund of ready retort.
+"Sir," said an exasperated Irish judge to a witness who refused to
+answer the questions put to him--"sir, this is a contempt of Court."--"I
+know it, my lord, but I was endeavouring to concale it," was the
+irresistible reply.
+
+A certain Irish attorney threatening to prosecute a printer for
+inserting in his paper the death of a person still living, informed him
+that "No person should publish a death unless informed of the fact by
+the party deceased."
+
+A rather amusing story is told of a trial where one of the Irish jurymen
+had been "got at" and bribed to secure the jury agreeing to a verdict of
+"Manslaughter," however much they might want to return one upon the
+capital charge of "Murder." The jury were out for several hours, and it
+was believed that eventually the result would be that they would not
+agree upon a verdict at all. However, close upon midnight, they were
+starved into one, and it was that of "Manslaughter." Next day the
+particular juryman concerned received his promised reward, and in paying
+it, the man who had arranged it for him remarked: "I suppose you had a
+great deal of difficulty in getting the other jurymen to agree to a
+verdict of 'Manslaughter'?"--"I should just think I did," replied the
+man. "I had to knock it into them, for all the others--the whole eleven
+of them--wanted to acquit him."
+
+An Irish lawyer addressed the Court as _Gentlemen_ instead of _Your
+Honours_. When he had concluded, a brother lawyer pointed out his error.
+He immediately rose and apologised thus: "In the heat of the debate I
+called your honours gentlemen,--I made a mistake, your honours."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER FIVE
+
+THE JUDGES OF SCOTLAND
+
+
+    "Ye Barristers of England
+      Your triumphs idle are,
+    Till ye can match the names that ring
+      Round Caledonia's Bar.
+    Your _John Doe_ and your Richard Roe
+      Are but a paltry pair:
+    Look at those who compose
+      The flocks round Brodie's Stair,
+    Who ruminate on Shaw and Tait
+      And flock round Brodie's Stair.
+
+    *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "But, Barristers of England,
+      Come to us lovingly,
+    And any Scot who greets you not
+      We'll send to Coventry.
+    Put past your brief, embark for Leith,
+      And when you've landed there,
+    Any wight with delight
+      Will point out Brodie's Stair
+    Or lead you all through Fountainhall
+      Till you enter Brodie's Stair."
+
+    OUTRAM: _Legal and other Lyrics_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER FIVE
+
+THE JUDGES OF SCOTLAND
+
+
+From the Institution of the Court of Session by James V of Scotland till
+well into the nineteenth century, it was the custom of Scottish judges
+when taking their seat on the Bench to assume a title from an estate--it
+might even be from a farm--already in their own or their family's
+possession. So we find that nearly every parish in Scotland has given
+birth to a judge who by this practice has made that parish or an estate
+in it more or less familiar to Scottish ears. Monboddo, near Fordoun, in
+Kincardineshire, at once recalls the judge who gave "attic suppers" in
+his house in St. John Street, Edinburgh, and held a theory that all
+infants were born with tails like monkeys; but under the modern practice
+of simply adding "Lord" to his surname of Burnet, we doubt if his
+eccentric personality would be so readily remembered. Lord Dirleton's
+_Doubts_, Lord Fountainhall's _Historical Observes_, carry a more
+imposing sound in their titles than if those one-time indispensable
+works of reference had been simply named Nisbet on Legal Doubts, and
+Lauder on Historical Observations of Memorable Events.
+
+The selection of a title was an important matter with these old judges.
+When Lauder was raised to the Bench, his estate to the south-east of
+Edinburgh was called Woodhead; but it would never have done for a
+Senator of the College of Justice to be known as "Lord Woodhead," so the
+name of the estate was changed to Fountainhall, and as Lord Fountainhall
+he took his seat among "the Fifteen" as the full Bench of judges was
+then termed.
+
+These old-time judges with their rugged ferocity, corruption, and
+occasionally brave words and deeds, in a great measure present to us now
+a miniature history of Scotland in the seventeenth and eighteenth
+centuries. "Show me the man, and I will show you the law," one is
+reported to have said, meaning that the litigant with the longest purse
+was pretty certain to win his case in the long run. They delighted in
+long arguments, and highly appreciated bewilderment in pleadings; "Dinna
+be brief," cried one judge when an advocate modestly asked to be briefly
+heard in a case in which he appeared as junior counsel. But the tendency
+to delay cases in the old Courts stretched beyond all reasonable lengths
+and became a scandal to the country. It was not a question of a month or
+even a year. Years passed and still cases remained undecided, some even
+were passed on from one generation to another--a litigant by his will
+handing on his plea in the Court to his successor along with his estate.
+This protracted delay in deciding causes formed the subject of that
+highly amusing and characteristic skit on the Scottish judges for which
+Boswell was largely responsible:
+
+    THE COURT OF SESSION GARLAND
+
+    PART FIRST
+
+    The Bill charged on was payable at sight
+    And decree was craved by Alexander Wight;[1]
+    But, because it bore a penalty in case of failzie
+    It therefore was null contended Willie Baillie.[2]
+
+    The Ordinary not chusing to judge it at random
+    Did with the minutes make avizandum.
+    And as the pleadings were vague and windy
+    His Lordship ordered memorials _hinc inde_.
+
+    We setting a stout heart to a stey brae
+    Took into the cause Mr. David Rae:[3]
+    Lord Auchenleck,[4] however, repelled our defence,
+    And over and above decerned for expence.
+
+    However of our cause not being asham'd,
+    Unto the whole Lords we straightway reclaim'd;
+    And our petition was appointed to be seen,
+    Because it was drawn by Robbie Macqueen.[5]
+
+    The answer of Lockhart[6] himself it was wrote,
+    And in it no argument or fact was forgot;
+    He is the lawyer that from no cause will flinch,
+    And on this occasion divided the Bench.
+
+    Alemoor,[7] the judgment as illegal blames,
+    'Tis equity, you bitch, replies my Lord Kames;[8]
+    This cause, cries Hailes,[9] to judge I can't pretend,
+    For Justice, I see, wants an _e_ at the end.
+
+    Lord Coalston[10] expressed his doubts and his fears,
+    And Strichen[11] then in his weel weels and O dears;
+    This cause much resembles that of M'Harg,
+    And should go the same way, says Lordy Barjarg.[12]
+
+    Let me tell you, my Lords, this cause is no joke;
+    Says with a horse laugh my Lord Elliock[13]
+    To have read all the papers I pretend not to brag,
+    Says my Lord Gardenstone[14] with a snuff and a wag.
+
+    Up rose the President,[15] and an angry man was he,
+    To alter this judgment I never can agree;
+    The east wing said yes, and the west wing cried not,
+    And it carried ahere by my Lord's casting vote.
+
+    This cause being somewhat knotty and perplext,
+    Their Lordships not knowing what they'd determine next;
+    And as the session was to rise so soon,
+    They superseded extract till the 12th of June.
+
+
+    PART SECOND
+
+    Having lost it, so now we prepare for the summer,
+    And on the 12th of June presented a reclaimer;
+    But dreading a refuse, we gave Dundas[16] a fee,
+    And though it run nigh it was carried to see.
+
+    In order to bring aid from usage beyond,
+    The answers were drawn by quondam Mess John;[17]
+    He united with such art our law the civil,
+    That the counsel, on both sides, would have seen him to the devil.
+
+    The cause being called, my Lord Justice-Clerk,[18]
+    With all due respect, began a loud bark;
+    He appeal'd to his conscience, his heart, and from thence,
+    Concluded to alter, but give no expence.
+
+    Lord Stonefield,[19] unwilling his judgment to podder,
+    Or to be precipitate agreed with his brother;
+    But Monboddo[20] was clear the bill to enforce,
+    Because, he observed, 'twas the price of a horse.
+
+    Says Pitfour[21] with a wink and his hat all agee,
+    I remember a case in the year twenty-three,
+    The magistrates of Banff contra Robert Carr,
+    I remember well, I was then at the Bar.
+
+    Likewise, my Lords, in the case of Peter Caw,
+    _Superflua non nocent_ was found to be law:
+    Lord Kennet[22] also quoted the case of one Lithgow
+    Where a penalty in a bill was held _pro non scripto_.
+
+    Lord President brought his chair to the plum,
+    Laid hold of the bench and brought forward his bum;
+    In these answers, my Lords, some freedoms have been used,
+    Which I could point out, provided I chus'd.
+
+    I was for this interlocutor, my Lords, I admit,
+    But am open to conviction as long's I here do sit;
+    To oppose your precedents I quote you some clauses,
+    But Tait[23] _a priori_ hurried up the causes.
+
+    He prov'd it as clear as the sun in the sky
+    That the maxims of law could not here apply,
+    That the writing in question was neither bill nor band
+    But something unknown in the law of the land.
+
+    The question adhere or alter being put,
+    It carried to alter by a casting vote:
+    Baillie then mov'd.--In the bill there's a raze,
+    But by that time their Lordships had called a new case.
+
+
+    FOOTNOTES:
+
+     [1] Wight: a well-known advocate of the period.
+     [2] Baillie: Lord Palkemmet.
+     [3] Afterwards Lord Eskgrove.
+     [4] The father of James Boswell.
+     [5] Afterwards Lord Braxfield.
+     [6] Lord Covington.
+     [7] Andrew Pringle.
+     [8] Henry Home, who was notorious for the use of the epithet in the
+          text.
+     [9] Sir David Dalrymple, author of the _Annals of Scotland_.
+    [10] George Brown of Coalston.
+    [11] Alexander Fraser of Strichen.
+    [12] James Erskine, who changed his title to Lord Alva.
+    [13] James Veitch.
+    [14] Francis Garden, who founded the town of Laurencekirk in
+          Kincardineshire.
+    [15] Robert Dundas, first Lord President of that name.
+    [16] Henry, first Viscount Melville, the friend of Pitt.
+    [17] A nickname for John Erskine of Carnoch.
+    [18] Sir Thomas Miller of Glenlee.
+    [19] John Campbell, raised to the Bench in 1796.
+    [20] Jas. Burnet of Monboddo, who had a theory that human beings
+          were born with tails.
+    [21] James Ferguson of Pitfour. Owing to weak eyesight he wore his
+          hat on the Bench.
+    [22] Robert Bruce of Kennet.
+    [23] Clerk of Session.
+
+It was the first Lord Meadowbank, who wearying of the dry statement of a
+case made by Mr. Thomas W. Blair, broke in with the remark: "Declaim,
+sir! why don't you declaim? Speak to me as if I were a popular
+assembly."
+
+In the reign of Queen Anne there was an old Scottish judge--Lord
+Dun--who was particularly distinguished for his piety. Thomas Coutts,
+the founder of the bank now so well known, used to relate of him that
+when a difficult case came before him, as Lord Ordinary, he used to say,
+"Eh, Lord, what am I to do? Eh, sirs, I wish you would make it up!" Of
+another judge of much the same period, also noted for his strict
+observance of religious ordinances; but who, at the same time, did not
+allow these to interfere with his social habits, it is related that
+every Saturday evening he had with him his niece, who afterwards married
+a more famous Scottish judge, Andrew Fletcher, Lord Milton, Charles Ross
+who made himself prominent in the "45" Rebellion, and David Reid, his
+clerk. The judge had what was, and in some parts of Scotland still is,
+known as "the exercise," which consisted of the reading of a chapter
+from the Bible, and his form of announcing the evening devotions was:
+"Betsy (his niece), ye hae a sweet voice, lift ye up a psalm; Charles,
+ye hae a gey strong voice, read the chapter; and David, fire ye the
+plate." Firing the plate consisted of a dish of brandy prepared for the
+company, of which David took charge, and while the first part of the
+proceedings were in progress David lighted the brandy, which when he
+thought it burnt to his master's taste he blew out, and this was the
+signal for the others to stop, while the whole company partook of the
+burnt brandy. This same judge--Lord Forglen--was walking one day with
+Lord Newhall, in the latter's grounds. Lord Newhall was a grave and
+austere man, while, as may be gathered, Lord Forglen was a medley of
+curious elements. As they passed a picturesque bend of a river Lord
+Forglen exclaimed: "Now, my lord, this is a fine walk. If ye want to
+pray to God, can there be a better place? If ye want to kiss a bonny
+lass, can there be a better place?"
+
+[Illustration: SIR DAVID RAE, LORD ESKGROVE.]
+
+Sir David Rae (Lord Eskgrove), Lord Justice-Clerk of Scotland, has been
+described as a ludicrous person about whom people seemed to have nothing
+else to do but tell stories. Sir Walter Scott imitated perfectly his
+slow manner of speech and peculiar pronunciation, which always put an
+accent on the last syllable of a word, and the letter "g" when at the
+end of a word got its full value. When a knot of young advocates was
+seen standing round the fireplace of the Parliament Hall listening to a
+low muttering voice, and the party suddenly broke up in roars of
+laughter, it was pretty certain to be a select company to whom Sir
+Walter had been retailing one of the latest stories of Lord Eskgrove.
+
+He was a man of much self-importance, which comes out in his remarks to
+a young lady of great beauty who was called as a witness in the trial of
+Glengarry for murder. "Young woman, you will now consider yourself as in
+the presence of Almighty God, and of this Court; lift up your veil,
+throw off all modesty, and look _me_ in the face."
+
+Sir John Henderson of Fordell, a zealous Whig, had long nauseated the
+Scottish Civil Courts by his burgh politics. Their lordships of the
+Bench had once to fix the amount of some discretionary penalty that he
+had incurred. Lord Eskgrove began to give his opinion in a very low
+voice, but loud enough to be heard by those next him, to the effect that
+the fine ought to be �50, when Sir John, with his usual imprudence,
+interrupted him and begged him to raise his voice, adding that if judges
+did not speak so as to be heard they might as well not speak at all.
+Lord Eskgrove, who could never endure any imputation of bodily
+infirmity, asked his neighbour, "What does the fellow say?"--"He says,
+that if you don't speak out, you may as well hold your tongue."--"Oh, is
+that what he says? My lords, what I was saying was very simpell; I was
+only sayingg, that in my humbell opinyon this fine could not be less
+than �250 sterlingg"--this sum being roared out as loudly as his old
+angry voice could launch it.
+
+A common saying of his to juries was: "And now, gentle-men, having shown
+you that the panell's argument is impossibill, I shall now proceed to
+show you that it is extremely improbabill."
+
+In condemning some persons to death for breaking into Sir John
+Colquhoun's house and assaulting him and others, as well as robbing
+them, Eskgrove, after enumerating minutely the details of their crime,
+closed his address to the prisoners with this climax: "All this you did;
+and God preserve us! juist when they were sitten doon tae their denner."
+
+When condemning a tailor convicted of stabbing a soldier, the offence
+was aggravated in Lord Eskgrove's eyes by the fact that "not only did
+you murder him, whereby he was berea-ved of his life, but you did
+thrust, or push, or pierce, or project, or propell, the le-thall weapon
+through the belly-band of his regimental breeches, which were his
+Majesty's."
+
+One of the most biting of caustic jests made by a judge of the old Court
+of Session of Scotland, before its reconstruction at the beginning of
+the nineteenth century, was uttered during the hearing of a claim to a
+peerage. The claimant was obviously resting his case upon forged
+documents, and the judge suddenly remarked in the broad dialect of the
+time, "If ye persevere ye'll nae doot be a peer, but it will be a peer
+o' anither tree!" The claimant did not appreciate this idea of being
+grafted, and abandoned the case.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+To return to the stories of the earlier period of the eighteenth
+century, there is one told of Lord Halkerston. He was waited on by a
+tenant, who with a woeful countenance informed his lordship that one of
+his cows had gored a cow belonging to the judge, and he feared the
+injured animal could not live. "Well, then, of course you must pay for
+it," said his lordship. "Indeed, my lord, it was not my fault, and you
+know I am but a very poor man."--"I can't help that. The law says you
+must pay for it. I am not to lose my cow, am I?"--"Well, my lord, if it
+must be so, I cannot say more. But I forgot what I was saying. It was my
+mistake entirely. I should have said that it was your lordship's cow
+that gored mine."--"Oh, is that it? That's quite a different affair. Go
+along, and don't trouble me just now. I am very busy. Be off, I say!"
+
+And there is one of the testy old Lord Polkemmet when he interrupted Mr.
+James Ferguson, afterwards Lord Kilkerran, whose energy in enforcing a
+point in his address to the Bench took the form of beating violently on
+the table: "Maister Jemmy, dinna dunt; ye may think ye're dunting it
+_intill me_, but ye're juist _dunting it oot o' me_, man."
+
+He was reputed to be dull, and rarely decided a case upon the first
+hearing. On one occasion, after having heard counsel, among whom was the
+Hon. Henry Erskine, John Clerk, and others, in a cause of no great
+difficulty, he addressed the Bar: "Well, Maister Erskine, I heard you,
+and I thocht ye were richt; syne I heard you, Dauvid, and I thocht ye
+were richt; and noo I hae heard Maister Clerk, and I think he's richtest
+amang ye a'. That bauthers me, ye see! Sae I man een tak' hame the
+process an' wimble-wamble it i' ma wame a wee ower ma toddy, and syne
+ye'se hae ma interlocutor."
+
+"The Fifteen," as the full Bench of the old Court of Session of Scotland
+was popularly called, were deliberating on a bill of suspension and
+interdict relative to certain caravans with wild beasts on the then
+vacant ground which formed the beginning of the new communication with
+the new Town of Edinburgh spreading westwards and the Lawnmarket--now
+known as the Mound. In the course of the proceedings Lord Bannatyne fell
+fast asleep. The case was disposed of and the next called, which related
+to a right of lien over certain goods. The learned lord who continued
+dozing having heard the word "lien" pronounced with an emphatic accent
+by Lord Meadowbank, raised the following discussion:
+
+Meadowbank: "I am very clear that there was a lien on this property."
+
+Bannatyne: "Certain; but it ought to be chained, because----"
+
+Balmuto: "My lord, it's no a livin' lion, it's the Latin word for lien"
+(leen).
+
+Hermand: "No, sir; the word is French."
+
+Balmuto: "I thought it was Latin, for it's in italics."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HENRY HOME, LORD KAMES.]
+
+Henry Home (Lord Kames) was at once one of the most enlightened and
+learned of Scottish judges of the latter half of the eighteenth century,
+and one of the most eccentric. His _History of Mankind_ brought him into
+correspondence with most of the famous men and women of his day, and yet
+it was his delight to walk up the Canongate and High Street with a
+half-witted creature who made it his business to collect all the gossip
+of the town and retail it to his lordship as he made his way to Court in
+the morning. His humour was very sarcastic, and nothing delighted him
+more than to observe that it cut home. Leaving the Court one day shortly
+before his death he met James Boswell, and accosted him with, "Well,
+Boswell, I shall be meeting your old father one of these days, what
+shall I say to him how you are getting on now?" Boswell disdained to
+reply. After a witness in a capital trial at Perth Circuit concluded his
+evidence, Lord Kames said to him, "Sir, I have one question more to ask
+you, and remember you are on your oath. You say you are from
+Brechin?"--"Yes, my lord."--"When do you return thither?"--"To-morrow,
+my lord."--"Do you know Colin Gillies?"--"Yes, my lord; I know him very
+well."--"Then tell him that I shall breakfast with him on Tuesday
+morning."
+
+Lord Kames used to relate a story of a man who claimed the honour of his
+acquaintance on rather singular grounds. His lordship, when one of the
+justiciary judges, returning from the North Circuit to Perth, happened
+one night to sleep at Dunkeld. The next morning, walking towards the
+ferry, but apprehending he had missed his way, he asked a man whom he
+met to conduct him. The other answered, with much cordiality, "That I
+will do with all my heart, my lord. Does not your lordship remember me?
+My name's John ----. I have had the _honour_ to be before your lordship
+for stealing sheep!"--"Oh, John, I remember you well; and how is your
+wife? She had the honour to be before me too, for receiving them,
+knowing them to be stolen."--"At your lordship's service. We were very
+lucky; we got off for want of evidence; and I am still going on in the
+butcher trade."--"Then," replied his lordship, "we may have the honour
+of meeting again."
+
+Once when on Circuit his lordship had been dozing on the bench, a noise
+created by the entrance of a new panel woke him, and he inquired what
+the matter was. "Oh, it's a woman, my lord, accused of child
+murder."--"And a weel farred b--h too," muttered his lordship, loud
+enough to be heard by those present.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: JOHN CLERK, LORD ELDIN.]
+
+John Clerk (Lord Eldin) was one of the best-known advocates at the
+Scottish Bar in the first quarter of the nineteenth century, and
+probably the last of them to retain the old Scots style of
+pronunciation. His voice was loud and his manner brow-beating, from
+which the Bench suffered equally with his brother members of the Bar. He
+suffered from a lameness in one leg, which was made the subject of a
+passing remark by two young women in the High Street of Edinburgh one
+day as Clerk was making his way to Court. "There goes John Clerk the
+lame lawyer," said one to the other. Clerk overheard the remark, and
+turning back addressed the speaker: "The lame man, my good woman, not
+the lame lawyer."
+
+The stories of his advocate days are numerous, and many of them probably
+well known. In his retention of old Scots pronunciation he got the
+better of Lord Eldon when pleading before the House of Lords one day.
+"That's the whole thing in plain English, ma lords," he said. "In plain
+Scotch, you mean, Mr. Clerk."--"Nae maitter, in plain common sense, ma
+lords, and that's the same in a' languages." On another occasion before
+the same tribunal he had frequently referred to water, pronouncing it
+"watter," when he was interrupted by the inquiry, "Do you spell water
+with two t's in the north, Mr. Clerk?"--"No, my lord, but we spell
+mainners wi' twa n's." And there is the well-known one of his use of the
+word "enough," which in old Scots was pronounced "enow." His repetition
+of the word in the latter form drew from the Lord Chancellor the remark
+that at the English Courts the word was pronounced "enough." "Very well,
+my lord," replied Clerk, and he proceeded with his address till coming
+to describe his client, who was a ploughman, and his client's claim, he
+went on: "My lords, my client is a pluffman, who pluffs a pluff gang o'
+land in the parish of," &c. "Oh! just go on with your own pronunciation,
+Mr. Clerk," remarked the Lord Chancellor.
+
+His encounters with members of the Scottish Bench were of a more
+personal character. Indeed, for years he appears to have held most of
+them in unfeigned contempt. A junior counsel on hearing their lordships
+give judgment against his client exclaimed that he was surprised at such
+a decision. This was construed into contempt of Court, and he was
+ordered to attend at the Bar next morning. Fearing the consequences of
+his rash remark, he consulted John Clerk, who offered to apologise for
+him in a way that would avert any unpleasant result. Accordingly, when
+the name of the delinquent was called, John Clerk rose and addressed the
+Bench: "I am sorry, my lords, that my young friend so far forgot
+himself as to treat your lordships with disrespect. He is extremely
+penitent, and you will kindly ascribe his unintentional insult to his
+ignorance. You will see at once that it did not originate in that: he
+said he was surprised at the decision of your lordships. Now, if he had
+not been very ignorant of what takes place in this Court every day; had
+he known your lordships but half so long as I have done, he would not be
+surprised at anything you did."
+
+Two judges, father and son, sat on the Scottish Bench, in succession,
+under the title of Lord Meadowbank. The second Lord Meadowbank was by no
+means such a powerful judge as his father. In his Court, Clerk was
+pressing his construction of some words in a conveyance, and contrasting
+the use of the word "also" with the use of the word "likewise."
+
+"Surely, Mr. Clerk," said his lordship, "you cannot seriously argue that
+'also' means anything different from 'likewise'! They mean precisely the
+same thing; and it matters not which of them is preferred."--"Not at
+all, my lord; there is all the difference in the world between these two
+words. Let us take an instance: your worthy father was a judge on that
+Bench; your lordship is 'also' a judge on the same Bench; but it does
+not follow that you are a judge 'like wise.'"
+
+When Meadowbank was about to be raised to the Bench he consulted John
+Clerk about the title he should adopt. Clerk's suggestion was "Lord
+Preserve Us." The legal acquirements of James Wolfe Murray were not held
+in high esteem by his brethren of the Bar, and when he became a judge
+with the title of Lord Cringletie, Clerk wrote the following clever
+epigram:
+
+    "Necessity and Cringletie
+      Are fitted to a tittle;
+    Necessity has nae law,
+      And Cringletie as little."
+
+The only man on the Bench for whom John Clerk retained a respectfulness
+not generally exhibited to others in that position was Lord President
+Blair. After hearing the President overturn without any effort an
+argument he had laboriously built up, and which appeared to be regarded
+as unsurmountable by the audience who heard it, Clerk sat still for a
+few moments, then as he rose to leave the Court he was heard to say: "My
+man, God Almighty spared nae pains when He made your brains."
+
+When he ascended the Bench in his sixty-fifth year, and when his
+physical powers were declining, he received the congratulations of his
+brother judges, one of whom expressed surprise that he had waited so
+long for the distinction. "Well, you see, I did not get 'doited' just as
+soon as the rest of you," replied the new-made judge.
+
+Like the generation preceding his, Clerk was of a very convivial
+disposition. Of him the story is told that one Sunday morning, while
+people were making their way to church, he appeared at his door in York
+Place in his dressing-gown and cowl, with a lighted candle in his hand,
+showing out two friends who had been carousing with him, and in the firm
+belief that it was about midnight instead of next mid-day. At the
+termination of a Bannatyne Club dinner, where wit and wine had contended
+for the mastery, the excited judge on the way to his carriage tumbled
+downstairs and, _miserabile dictu_, broke his nose, an accident which
+compelled him to confine himself to the house for some time. He
+reappeared, however, with a large patch on his olfactory member, which
+gave a most ludicrous expression to his face. On someone inquiring how
+this happened, he said it was the effect of his studies. "Studies!"
+ejaculated the inquirer. "Yes," growled the judge; "ye've heard, nae
+doot, about _Coke upon Littleton_, but I suppose you never before heard
+of _Clerk upon Stair_!"
+
+When asked by a friend what was the difference between him and Lord
+Eldon, the Lord Chancellor of England, Eldin replied; "Oh, there's only
+an 'i' of a difference."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CHARLES HAY, LORD NEWTON.]
+
+Charles Hay (Lord Newton), known in private life as "The Mighty," has
+been described by Lord Cockburn as "famous for law, paunch, whist,
+claret, and worth." His indulgence in wine and his great bulk made him
+slumbrous, and when sitting in Court after getting the gist of a case he
+almost invariably fell fast asleep. Yet it is strange to find it
+recorded that whenever anything pertinent to the matter under discussion
+was said he was immediately wide awake and in full possession of his
+reasoning faculties. While a very zealous but inexperienced counsel was
+pleading before him, his lordship had been dozing, as usual, for some
+time, till at last the young man, supposing him asleep, and confident of
+a favourable judgment in his case, stopped short in his pleading and,
+addressing the other judges on the Bench, said: "My lords, it is
+unnecessary that I should go on, as Lord Newton is fast asleep."--"Ay,
+ay," cried Lord Newton, "you will have proof of that by and by"--when,
+to the astonishment of the young advocate, after a most luminous view of
+the case, he gave a very decided and elaborate judgment against him.
+
+Lord Jeffrey himself declared that he only went to Oxford to improve his
+accent, and according to some of the older members of the Bar of his
+days, he only lost his Scots accent and did not learn the English. A
+story of his early days at the Bar is related to the effect that when
+pleading before Lord Newton the judge stopped him and asked in broad
+Scots, "Whaur were ye educat', Maister Jawfrey."--"Oxford, my
+lord."--"Then I doot ye maun gang back there again, for we can mak'
+nocht o' ye here." But Mr. Jeffrey got back his own. For, before the
+same judge, happening to speak of an "itinerant violinist," Lord Newton
+inquired: "D'ye mean a blin' fiddler?"--"Vulgarly so called, my lord,"
+was the reply.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HENRY COCKBURN, LORD COCKBURN.]
+
+Circuit Courts were in Scotland, in the eighteenth and early years of
+the nineteenth century (as in England and Ireland), occasions for a
+great display in the county towns in which they were held. Whether the
+judges had arrived on horseback or as later in their private carriages,
+there was always the procession to the court-house, in which the
+notabilities of the district took part. Lord Cockburn, who had no
+sympathy with this part of a judge's duties, thus describes one of his
+experiences in the early days of his Circuit journeys: "Yet there are
+some of us who like the procession, though it can never be anything but
+mean and ludicrous, and who fancy that a line of soldiers, or the more
+civic array of paltry policemen, or of doited special constables,
+protecting a couple of judges who flounder in awkward gowns and wigs
+through ill-paved streets, followed by a few sneering advocates and
+preceded by two or three sheriffs or their substitutes, with their
+swords, which trip them, and a provost and some bailie-bodies trying to
+look grand, the whole defended by a poor iron mace, and advancing each
+with a different step, to the sound of two cracked trumpets, ill-blown
+by a couple of drunken royal trumpeters, the spectators all laughing,
+who fancy that all this pretence of greatness and reality of littleness
+contributes to the dignity of judges." Things are changed now. Even Lord
+Cockburn saw the change that the introduction of railways made in the
+progress of Circuit work, and with them a lesser display and more
+dignified opening of the courts of justice in local towns. But the older
+Circuits were times of much feasting and merriment, in which the judges
+of that period took their full share as well as the members of the Bar
+accompanying them. In the eyes of some of these old worthies it was part
+of the dignity of their position to sit down after Court work at two
+o'clock in the morning to a collation of salmon and roast beef, and
+drink bumpers of claret and mulled port with the provosts and other
+local worthies, although they were due in Court that same morning at
+nine to try some miserable creature for a serious crime. Lord Pitmilly
+had no stomach for such proceedings, his inclination was stronger for
+decorum and law than for revelling. Once at a Circuit town he ordered
+his servant to bring to his room a kettle of hot water. Lord Hermand on
+his way to dinner at midnight, meeting the servant, said, "God bless
+me, is he going to make a whole kettle of punch--and before supper
+too?"--"No, my lord, he's going to bed, but he wants to bathe his
+feet."--"Feet, sir! what ails his feet? Tell him to put some rum among
+it, and to give it all to his stomach."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Circuit sermon was an important part of the duties to which the
+judges had to attend in the course of their visits in the country. One
+of these that Lord Cockburn had to listen to was delivered from the
+text, "What are these that are arrayed in white robes, and whence came
+they?" There was nothing personal intended, but the ermine on the judges
+gowns naturally attracted significant glances from the other members of
+the congregation. A Glasgow clergyman and friend of the judge, not
+knowing that his lordship was present in his church, preached from the
+text, "There was in a city a judge which feared not God, neither
+regarded man." The announcement of the text directed all eyes towards
+the learned judge, which attracting the preacher's attention nearly
+prevented him from proceeding further with the service. The judge was
+the pious Lord Moncreiff, the son of the Rev. Sir Henry Wellwood
+Moncreiff, and the text stuck to him ever afterwards. But there seemed
+to have been deliberation in selection of the text made by a
+south-country minister who, before Lord Justice Boyle and Samuel
+M'Cormick, Advocate-Depute, preached from I Samuel vii. 16, "And Samuel
+went from year to year in circuit to Bethel, and Gilgal, and Mizpeh."
+The two legal gentlemen took offence at this audacious attempt to
+ridicule the Court, they identifying the places mentioned in the text as
+representing their circuit towns of Jedburgh, Dumfries, and Ayr. In this
+connection maybe told the story of Lord Hermand, beside whom stood the
+clergyman whose duty it was to offer up the opening prayer before the
+work of the Court began. He seemed to think the company had assembled
+for no other purpose than to hear him perform, and after praying loud
+and long his lordship's patience gave way, and with a decided jog of his
+elbow he exclaimed in a stage whisper, "We've a lot of business to do,
+sir."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a somewhat rare volume printed for private circulation we are
+permitted to quote the following ballad, the authorship of which may be
+easily guessed, as the circuiteer who mourns the loss of his Circuit
+days may be as easily identified.
+
+    THE EX-CIRCUITEER'S LAMENT
+
+      Ae morning at the dawning
+      I saw a Counsel yawning,
+    And heard him say, in accents that were anything but gay,
+      As sadly he was grinding
+      At a meikle multiplepoinding,--
+    The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.
+
+      Nae banter frae Lord Deas,
+      Nae promises o' fees
+    That never will be paid afore the judgment-day,
+      Nae lies dubbed "information,"
+      From the worst rogues in the nation,--
+    The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.
+
+      Nae haveral wutty witness,
+      Displaying his unfitness,
+    Tae see some sma' distinction 'tween a trial and a play,
+      Nae witness primed at lunch
+      Wi' perjuries and punch,--
+    The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.
+
+      Nae laughing-gas orations,
+      Nae treading on the patience
+    Of Judges and of Juries, who will let you say your say,
+      Yet pay but sma' attention
+      To the gems of your invention,--
+    The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.
+
+      Nae mair delightful wondering
+      At a new man blandly blundering,
+    Nae kind hints from the Court that he's gangin far astray,
+      Nae flowery depictions
+      In the teeth of ten convictions,--
+    The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.
+
+      Nae whacking ten years' sentence,
+      Wi' advices o' repentance,
+    And learn in years of leisure to admire the "law's delay."
+      Nae fell female fury,
+      Blackguarding Judge and Jury,--
+    The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.
+
+      Nay grey auld woman sobbing,
+      Nae mair you'll catch her robbing,
+    And a' the Christian virtues henceforth she will display,
+      If the Judge will but have mercy
+      (For the sixteenth time I daresay),--
+    The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.
+
+      Nae processions, nae pageants,
+      Nae pawky country agents,
+    Nae macers, nae trumpeters, wi' tipsy blare and bray,
+      Nae Councillors or Bailie,
+      Or Provost smiling gaily,--
+    The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.
+
+      Nae funny cross-examining,
+      Nae jurymen begammoning,
+    Nae laughter from the audience, nae gallery's hurrah,
+      Nae fleeching for acquittal,
+      Though you don't care a spittle,--
+    The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.
+
+      Nae playing _hocus-pocus_
+      With the _tempus_ and the _locus_,
+    Nae pleas in mitigation (a kittle job are they),
+      Nae bonny rapes and reivings,
+      Nae forgeries and thievings,--
+    The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.
+
+      Nae dinners wi' the Judges,
+      Nae drooning a' your grudges
+    In deep, deep draughts o' claret, and a' your senses tae,
+      Nae chatter wise or witty
+      On ticklish points o' dittay,--
+    The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.
+
+      Nae high-jinks after dinner
+      Wi' ony madcap sinner,
+    Nae drinking whisky-toddy until the break o' day,
+      Nae speeches till a hiccup
+      Compels a sudden stick-up,--
+    The nichts o' my Circuits are a' fled away.
+
+Lord Hermand's manner on the Bench conveyed the impression that he was
+of an impatient, almost savage temper, but in his domestic circle he was
+one of the warmest-hearted of men, and one with the simplest of tastes.
+His outbursts on the Bench, too, were emphasised by what, in Scotland,
+was called "Birr"--the emphatic energy of his pronunciation--which may
+be imagined but cannot be transcribed in the following dialogue between
+him and Lord Meadowbank.
+
+Meadowbank: "We are bound to give judgment in terms of the statute, my
+lords."
+
+Hermand: "A statute! What's a statute? Words--mere words. And am _I_ to
+be tied down by words? No, my laards; I go by the law of right reason."
+
+He was a great friend of John Scott (Lord Eldon). In a case appealed to
+the House of Lords, Scott had taken the trouble to write out his speech,
+and read it over to Hermand, inviting his opinion of it. "It is
+delightful--absolutely delightful. I could listen to it for ever," said
+Hermand. "It is so beautifully written, and so beautifully read. But,
+sir, it's the greatest nonsense! It may do very well for an English
+Chancellor, but it would disgrace a clerk with us." The blunder that
+drew forth this criticism was a gross one for a Scottish lawyer, but one
+an English barrister might readily fall into.
+
+It was put forward in mitigation of the crime that the prisoner was in
+liquor when, either rashly or accidentally, he stabbed his friend. While
+the other judges were in favour of a short sentence, Lord Hermand--who
+had no sympathy with a man who could not carry his liquor--was vehement
+for transportation: "We are told that there was no malice, and that the
+prisoner must have been in liquor. In liquor! Why, he was drunk!... And
+yet he murdered the very man who had been drinking with him! Good God,
+my laards, if he will do this when he is drunk, what will he not do when
+he is sober?"
+
+On one of Lord Hermand's circuits a wag put a musical-box, which played
+"Jack Alive," on one of the seats of the Court. The music struck the
+audience with consternation, and the judge stared in the air, looking
+unutterable things, and frantically called out, "Macer, what in the name
+of God is that?" The macer looked round in vain, when the wag called
+out, "It's 'Jack Alive,' my lord."--"Dead or alive, put him out this
+moment," called out the judge. "We can't grip him, my lord."--"If he has
+the art of hell, let every man assist to arraign him before me, that I
+may commit him for this outrage and contempt." Everybody tried to
+discover the offender, and fortunately the music ceased. But it began
+again half an hour afterwards, and the judge exclaimed, "Is he there
+again? By all that's sacred, he shall not escape me this time--fence,
+bolt, bar the doors of the Court, and at your peril let not a man,
+living or dead, escape." All was bustle and confusion, the officers
+looked east and west, and up in the air and down on the floor; but the
+search was in vain. The judge at last began to suspect witchcraft, and
+exclaimed, "This is a _deceptio auris_--it is absolute delusion,
+necromancy, phantasmagoria." And to the day of his death the judge never
+understood the precise origin of this unwonted visitation.
+
+On another occasion, in his own Court in the Parliament House, he was
+annoyed by a noise near the door, and called to the macer, "What is that
+noise?"--"It's a man, my lord."--"What does he want?"--"He _wants in_,
+my lord."--"Keep him out!" The man, it seems, did get in, and soon
+afterwards a like noise was renewed, and his lordship again demanded,
+"What's the noise there?"--"It's the same man, my lord."--"What does he
+want now?"--"He _wants out_, my lord."--"Then _keep him in_--I say,
+_keep him in_!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Lord President Campbell, after the fashion of those times, was somewhat
+addicted to browbeating young counsel; and as bearding a judge on the
+Bench is not a likely way to rise in favour, his lordship generally got
+it all his own way. Upon one occasion, however, he caught a tartar. His
+lordship had what are termed pig's eyes, and his voice was thin and
+weak. Corbet, a bold and sarcastic counsel in his younger days, had been
+pleading before the Inner House, and as usual the President commenced
+his attack, when his intended victim thus addressed him: "My lord, it is
+not for me to enter into any altercation with your lordship, for no one
+knows better than I do the great difference between us; you occupy the
+highest place on the Bench, and I the lowest at the Bar; and then, my
+lord, I have not your lordship's voice of thunder--I have not your
+lordship's rolling eye of command."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ROBERT MACQUEEN, LORD BRAXFIELD.]
+
+Robert Macqueen (Lord Braxfield), the prototype of Stevenson's "Weir of
+Hermiston," was known as the "hanging judge"--the Judge Jeffreys of
+Scotland; but he was a sound judge. He argued a point in a colloquial
+style, asking a question, and himself supplying the answer in his clear,
+abrupt manner. But he was illiterate, and without the least desire for
+refined enjoyment, holding in disdain natures less coarse than his own;
+he shocked the feelings of those even of an age which had less decorum
+than prevailed in that which succeeded, and would not be tolerated by
+the working classes of to-day. Playing whist with a lady, he exclaimed,
+"What are ye doin', ye damned auld ...," and then recollecting himself,
+"Your pardon's begged, madam; I took ye for my wife." When his butler
+gave up his place because his lordship's wife was always scolding him:
+"Lord," he exclaimed, "ye've little to complain o'; ye may be thankfu'
+ye're no mairred to her."
+
+His most notorious sayings from the Bench were uttered during the trials
+for sedition towards the end of the eighteenth century, and even some of
+these are too coarse for repetition. "Ye're a very clever chiel," he
+said to one of the prisoners; "but ye wad be nane the waur o' a
+hangin'." And to a juror arriving late in Court he said, "Come awa,
+Maister Horner, come awa and help us to hang ane o' they damned
+scoondrels." Hanging was his term for all kinds of punishment.
+
+To Margarot, a Baptist minister of Dundee--another of the political
+prisoners of that time--he said, "Hae ye ony coonsel, man?"--"No,"
+replied Margarot. "Dae ye want tae hae ony appointed?" continued the
+Justice-Clerk. "No," replied the prisoner, "I only want an interpreter
+to make me understand what your lordship says."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We have already referred to Lord Moncreiff's piety, and to it must be
+added his great simplicity of nature. Like many of his predecessors, he
+had a habit of making long speeches to prisoners on their conviction;
+but his intention was to help them to a better mode of life, not to
+aggravate their feelings by silly or coarse remarks. This habit,
+however, led him occasionally into enunciating principles which rather
+astonished his friends. In a murder case he found that the woman killed
+was not the wife of the prisoner but his mistress, which led his
+lordship to explain to the prisoner that it might have been some apology
+for his crime had the woman been his wife, because there was difficulty
+in getting rid of her any other way. But the victim being only his
+associate he could have left her at any time, and consequently there
+were absolutely no ameliorating circumstances in the case. From this
+point of view it would seem to have been (in Lord Moncreiff's eyes) less
+criminal to murder a wife than a mistress. In another, a bigamy case,
+after referring to the perfidy and cruelty to the women and their
+relations, Lord Cockburn reports him to have said: "All this is bad; but
+your true iniquity consists in this, that you degraded that holy
+ceremony which our blessed Saviour _condescended_ to select as the type
+of the connection between him and His redeemed Church."
+
+In the Court of Session, the judges who do not attend or give a proper
+excuse for their absence are (or were) liable to a fine. This,
+however, is never enforced: but it is customary on the first day of the
+session for the absentee to send an excuse to the Lord President. Lord
+Stonefield having sent an excuse, and the Lord President mentioning that
+he had done so, the Lord Justice-Clerk said: "What excuse can a stout
+fellow like him hae?"--"My lord," said the President, "he has lost his
+wife." To which the Justice-Clerk replied: "Has he? That is a gude
+excuse indeed, I wish we had a' the same."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Lord Cockburn's looks, tones, language, and manner were always such as
+to make one think that he believed every word he said. On one occasion,
+before he was raised to the Bench, when defending a murderer, although
+he failed to convince the judge and jurymen of the innocence of his
+client, yet he convinced the murderer himself that he was innocent.
+Sentence of death was pronounced, and the day of execution fixed for the
+3rd of March. As Lord Cockburn was passing the condemned man, the latter
+seized him by the gown, saying: "I have not got justice!" To this the
+advocate coolly replied: "Perhaps not; but you'll get it on the 3rd of
+March."
+
+Cockburn's racy humour displayed itself in another serious case; one in
+which a farm-servant was charged with maiming his master's cattle by
+cutting off their tails. A consultation was held on the question of the
+man's mental condition at which the farmer was present, and at the close
+of it some conversation took place about the disposal of the cattle.
+Turning to the farmer Cockburn said that they might be sold, but that he
+would have to dispose of them wholesale for he could not now _retail_
+them.
+
+He was walking on the hillside on his estate of Bonaly, near Edinburgh,
+talking to his shepherd, and speculating about the reasons why his sheep
+lay on what seemed to be the least sheltered and coldest situation on
+the hill. Said his lordship: "John, if I were a sheep I would lie on the
+other side of the hill." The shepherd answered: "Ay, my lord; but if ye
+had been a sheep ye would have had mair sense."
+
+Sitting long after the usual hour listening to a prosy counsel, Lord
+Cockburn was commiserated by a friend as they left the Court together
+with the remark: "Counsel has encroached very much on your time, my
+lord."--"Time, time," exclaimed his lordship; "he has exhausted time and
+encroached on eternity."
+
+When a young advocate, Cockburn was a frequent visitor at Niddrie
+Marischal, near Edinburgh, the residence of Mr. Wauchope. This gentleman
+was very particular about church-going, but one Sunday he stayed at home
+and his young guest started for the parish church accompanied by one of
+his host's handsomest daughters. On their way they passed through the
+garden, and were so beguiled by the gooseberry bushes that the time
+slipped away and they found themselves too late for the service. At
+dinner the laird inquired of his daughter what the text was, and when
+she failed to tell him he put the question to Cockburn, who at once
+replied: "The woman whom thou gavest to be with me she gave me of the
+fruit and I did eat."
+
+Jeffrey and Cockburn were counsel together in a case in which it was
+sought to prove that the heir of an estate was of low capacity, and
+therefore incapable of administrating his affairs. Jeffrey had vainly
+attempted to make a country witness understand his meaning as he spoke
+of the mental imbecility and impaired intellect of the party. Cockburn
+rose to his relief, and was successful at once. "D'ye ken young Sandy
+----?"--"Brawly," said the witness; "I've kent him sin' he was a
+laddie."--"An' is there onything in the cratur, d'ye think?"--"Deed,"
+responded the witness, "there's naething in him ava; he wadna ken a coo
+frae a cauf!"
+
+When addressing the jury in a case in which an officer of the army was a
+witness, Jeffrey frequently referred to him as "this soldier." The
+witness, who was in Court, bore this for a time, but at last,
+exasperated, exclaimed, "I am not a soldier, I'm an officer!"--"Well,
+gentlemen of the jury," proceeded Jeffrey, "this officer, who on his own
+statement is no soldier," &c.
+
+Patrick, Lord Robertson, one of the senators of the College of Justice,
+was a great humorist. He was on terms of intimacy with the late Mr.
+Alexander Douglas, W.S., who, on account of the untidiness of his
+person, was known by the sobriquet of "Dirty Douglas." Lord Robertson
+invited his friend to accompany him to a ball. "I would go," said Mr.
+Douglas, "but I don't care about my friends knowing that I attend
+balls."--"Why, Douglas," replied the senator, "put on a well-brushed
+coat and a clean shirt, and nobody will know you." When at the Bar,
+Robertson was frequently entrusted with cases by Mr. Douglas. Handing
+his learned friend a fee in Scottish notes, Mr. Douglas remarked: "These
+notes, Robertson, are, like myself, getting old."--"Yes, they're both
+old and dirty, Douglas," rejoined Robertson.
+
+When Robertson was attending an appeal case in the House of Lords he
+received great attention from Lord Brougham. This gave rise to a report
+in the Parliament House of Edinburgh that the popular Tory advocate had
+"ratted" to the Liberal side in politics, which found expression in the
+following _jeu d'esprit_:
+
+    "When Brougham by Robertson was told
+    He'd condescend a place to hold,
+    The Chancellor said, with wondering eyes,
+    Viewing the _Rat's_ tremendous size,
+    'That you a place would hold is true,
+    But where's the place that would hold you?'"
+
+Lord Rutherford when at the Bar put an illustration to the Bench in
+connection with a church case. "Suppose the Justiciary Court condemned a
+man to be hanged, however unjustly, could that man come into this Court
+of Session and ask your lordships to interfere?" and he turned round
+very majestically to Robertson opposing him. "Oh, my lords," said
+Robertson, "a case of suspension, clearly."
+
+When a sheriff, Rutherford, dining with a number of members of the legal
+profession, had to reply to the toast, "The Bench of Scotland." In
+illustration of a trite remark that all litigants could not be expected
+to have the highest regard for the judges who have tried their cases, he
+told the following story: A worthy but unfortunate south-country farmer
+had fought his case in the teeth of adverse decisions in the Lower
+Courts to the bitter end in one of the divisions of the Court of
+Session. After the decision of this tribunal affirming the judgment he
+had appealed against, and thus finally blasting his fondest hopes, he
+was heard to mutter as he left the Court: "They ca' themselves senators
+o' the College o' Justice, but it's ma opeenion they're a' the waur o'
+drink!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It was only a small point of law, but the two counsel were hammering at
+each other tooth and nail. They had been submitting this and that to his
+lordship for twenty minutes, and growing more and more heated as they
+argued. At last: "You're an ass, sir!" shrieked one. "And you're a liar,
+sir!" roared the other. Then the judge woke up. "Now that counsel have
+identified each other," said he, "let us proceed to the disputed
+points."
+
+A recent eminent judge of the Scottish Bench when sitting to an artist
+for his portrait was asked what he thought of the likeness. His
+lordship's reply was that he thought it good enough, but he would have
+liked "to see a little more dislike to Gladstone's Irish Bills in the
+expression."
+
+Lord Shand's shortness of stature has been a theme of several stories.
+When he left Edinburgh after sitting as a judge of the Court of Session
+for eighteen years, one of his colleagues suggested that a statue ought
+to be erected to him. "Or shall we say a statuette?" was the remark of
+another friend. His lordship lived at Newhailes--the property of one of
+the Dalrymple family, several members of which were eminent judges in
+the late seventeenth and the early eighteenth centuries--and travelled
+to town by rail. The guard was a pawky Aberdonian, and had evidently
+been greatly struck by Lord Shand's appearance, for his customary
+salutation to him, delivered no doubt in a parental and patronising
+fashion, was: "And fu (how) are ye the day, ma lordie?" His lordship's
+manner of receiving this greeting is not recorded. Still another
+anecdote on the same subject is that when still an advocate, it was
+proposed to make Mr. Shand a Judge of Assize. On the proposal being
+mentioned to a colleague famous for his caustic wit, the latter with a
+good-humoured sneer which raised a hearty laugh at the expense of his
+genial friend, remarked: "Ah, a judge of a size, indeed."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: GEORGE YOUNG, LORD YOUNG.]
+
+Lord Young's wit was of this caustic turn and not infrequently was
+intended to sting the person to whom it was addressed. An advocate was
+wending his weary way through a case one day, and in the course of
+making a point he referred to a witness who had deponed that he had seen
+two different things at one time and consequently contradicted himself.
+Lord Young gave vent to the feelings of his colleagues in the Second
+Division of the Court, when he interrupted thus:
+
+"Oh, Mr. B----, I can see more than two things at one time. I can see
+your paper, and beyond your paper I can see you, and beyond you I can
+see the clock, and I can see that you have been labouring for an hour
+over a point that is capable of being expressed in a sentence."
+
+In the course of an argument in the same division, counsel had occasion
+to refer to "Fraser" (a brother judge) "on Husband and Wife." Lord
+Young, interrupting, asked: 'Hasn't Fraser another book?'--'Yes, my
+lord, 'Master and Servant!''--'Well,' said Lord Young, 'isn't that the
+same thing?'
+
+Owing to a vacancy on the Bench having been kept open for a long period,
+Lord Young's roll had become very heavy. Hearing that a new colleague
+had been appointed, and like the late judge had adopted a title ending
+in "hill," he gratefully quoted the lines of the one hundred and
+twenty-first psalm:
+
+    "I to the hills will lift mine eyes,
+    From whence doth come mine aid."
+
+Before the same judge, two prominent advocates in their day were
+debating a case. One of them was a particularly well-known figure, the
+feature of whose pinafore, if he wore one, would be its extensive girth.
+The other advocate, who happened to be rather slim, was addressing his
+lordship: "My learned friend and I are particularly at one upon this
+point. I may say, my lord, that we are virtually in the same boat." Here
+his opponent broke in: "No, no, my lord, we are nothing of the kind. I
+do not agree with that." Lord Young, leaning across the bench, remarked:
+"No, I suppose you would need a whole boat to yourself."
+
+It is also attributed to Lord Young that, when Mr. Baird of Cambusdoon
+bequeathed a large sum of money to the Church of Scotland to found the
+lectureship delivered under the auspices of the Baird Trust, he
+remarked that it was the highest fire insurance premium he had ever
+heard of. "Possibly, my lord," observed a fire insurance manager who
+heard the remark; "but you will admit that cases occur where the premium
+scarcely covers the risk."
+
+Lord Guthrie tells that when, as an advocate, he was engaged in a case
+before Lord Young, he mentioned that his client was a Free Church
+minister. "Well," said Lord Young, "that may be, but for all that he may
+perhaps be quite a respectable man."
+
+And there is the story that when Mr. Young was Lord Advocate for
+Scotland a vacancy occurred on the Bench and two names were mentioned in
+connection with it. One was that of Mr. Horne, Dean of Faculty, a very
+tall man, and the other Lord Shand. "So, Mr. Young," said a friend,
+"you'll be going to appoint Horne?"--"I doubt if I will get his length,"
+was the reply. "Oh, then," queried the friend, "you'll be going to
+appoint Shand?"--"It's the least I could do," answered the witty Lord
+Advocate.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"What is your occupation?" asked Lord Ardwall of a witness in a case. "A
+miner, sir."--"Good; and how old are you?"--"Twenty, sir."--"Ah, then
+you are a minor in more senses than one." Whereat, no doubt, the Court
+laughed. "Now, my lord, we come to the question of commission received
+by the witness, which I was forgetting," said a counsel before the same
+judge one day. "Ah, don't commit the omission of omitting the
+commission," replied his lordship.
+
+An unfortunate miner had been hit on the head by a lump of coal, and the
+judges of the First Division of the Court of Session were considering
+whether his case raised a question of law or of fact. "The only law I
+can see in the matter," said Lord Maclaren, "is the law of gravitation."
+
+In a fishing case heard in the Court of Session some years ago, a good
+deal of evidence was led on the subject of taking immature salmon from a
+river in the north. The case was an important one, and the evidence was
+taken down in shorthand notes and printed for the use of the judge and
+counsel next day. The evidence of one of the witnesses with respect to
+certain of the salmon taken was that "some of them were kelts." When his
+lordship turned over the pages of the printed evidence next morning to
+refresh his memory, he was astonished to find it stated by one of the
+witnesses in regard to the salmon that "some of them wore kilts."
+
+Many other stories, particularly of the older judges, might be given,
+were they not too well known. We may therefore close this chapter with
+the following epigram by a Scottish writer, which is decidedly pointed
+and clever, and has the additional merit of being self-explanatory:
+
+    "He was a burglar stout and strong,
+    Who held, 'It surely can't be wrong,
+    To open trunks and rifle shelves,
+    For God helps those who help themselves.'
+    But when before the Court he came,
+    And boldly rose to plead the same,
+    The judge replied--'That's very true;
+    You've helped yourself--_now God help you!_'"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER SIX
+
+THE ADVOCATES OF SCOTLAND
+
+
+    "Ye lawyers who live upon litigants' fees,
+    And who need a good many to live at your ease,
+    Grave or gay, wise or witty, whate'er your degree,
+    Plain stuff, or Queen's Counsel, take counsel from me,
+    When a festive occasion your spirit unbends,
+    You should never forget the profession's best friends;
+    So we'll send round the wine and a bright bumper fill
+    To the jolly Testator who makes his own will."
+
+    NEAVES: _Songs and Verses_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER SIX
+
+THE ADVOCATES OF SCOTLAND
+
+
+Since days when Sir Walter Scott gathered round him at the fireplace in
+the Parliament Hall of Edinburgh a company of young brother advocates to
+hear the latest of Lord Eskgrove's eccentric sayings from the Bench,
+that rendezvous has been the favourite resort for story-telling among
+succeeding generations of counsel. While the Court is in session, they
+vary their daily walk up and down the hall by lounging round the spot
+where the future Wizard of the North proved a strong counter-attraction
+to many an interesting case being argued before a Lord Ordinary in the
+alcoves on the opposite side of the hall, which was then the "Outer
+House." It is even asserted that this same fireplace is the hatchery of
+many of the amusing paragraphs daily appearing in a column of a certain
+Edinburgh newspaper. But of all the witticisms that have enlivened the
+dull hours of the briefless barrister in that historic hall during the
+past century, none will stand the test of time or be read with so much
+pleasure as those of that prince of wits, the Hon. Henry Erskine.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE HON. HENRY ERSKINE, LORD ADVOCATE AND DEAN OF FACULTY
+OF ADVOCATES.]
+
+Hairry, as he was familiarly called both by judge and counsel, was in an
+eminent degree the "advocate of the people." It is said that a poor man
+in a remote district of Scotland thus answered an acquaintance who
+wished to dissuade him from "going to law" with a wealthy neighbour, by
+representing the hopelessness of being able to meet the expenses of
+litigation. "Ye dinna ken what ye're saying, maister," replied the
+litigious northerner; "there's no' a puir man in a' Scotland need want a
+freen' or fear a foe, sae lang as Hairry Erskine lives."
+
+When the autocratic reign of Henry Dundas as Lord Advocate was for a
+time eclipsed, Henry Erskine was his successor in the Whig interest. In
+his good-humoured way Dundas proposed to lend Erskine his embroidered
+gown, suggesting that it would not be long before he (Dundas) would
+again be in office. "Thank you," said Hairry, "I am well aware it is
+made to suit any party, but it will never be said of me that I assumed
+the abandoned habits of my predecessor."
+
+Having been speaking in the Outer House at the Bar of Lord Swinton, a
+very good, but a very slow and deaf judge, Erskine was called away to
+Lord Braxfield's Court. On appearing his lordship said: "Well, Dean" (he
+was then Dean of the Faculty of Advocates), "what is this you've been
+talking so loudly about to my Lord Swinton?"--"About a cask of whisky,
+my lord, but I found it no easy matter to make it run in his lordship's
+head."
+
+He was once defending a client, a lady of the name of Tickell, before
+one of the judges who was an intimate friend, and he opened his
+address to his lordship in these terms: "Tickell, my client, my lord."
+But the judge was equal to the occasion and interrupted him by saying:
+"Tickle her yourself, Harry, you're as able to do it as I am."
+
+Lord Balmuto was a ponderous judge and not very "gleg in the uptak" (did
+not readily see a point), and retained the utmost gravity while the
+whole Court was convulsed with laughter at some joke of the witty Dean.
+Hours later, when another case was being heard, the judge would suddenly
+exclaim: "Eh, Maister Hairry, a' hae ye noo, a' hae ye noo, vera guid,
+vera guid."
+
+Hugo Arnot, a brother advocate, a tall, cadaverous-looking man, who
+suffered from asthma, was one day munching a speldin (a sun-dried
+whiting or small haddock, a favourite article supplied at that time, and
+till a generation ago, by certain Edinburgh shops). Erskine coming up to
+Arnot, the latter explained that he was having his lunch. "So I see,"
+said Harry, "and you're very like your meat." On another occasion these
+two worthies were discussing future punishment for errors of the flesh,
+Arnot taking a liberal, and Erskine a strongly Calvinist view. As they
+were parting Erskine said to Arnot, referring to his spare figure:
+
+    "For ---- and blasphemy by the mercy of heaven
+    To flesh and to blood much may be forgiven,
+    But I've searched all the Scriptures and text I find none
+    That the same is extended to skin and to bone."
+
+Erskine's brother, the extremely eccentric Lord Buchan, who thought
+himself as great a jester as his two younger brothers, the Lord
+Chancellor of England and the Dean of Faculty of Advocates, one day
+putting his head below the lock of a door, exclaimed: "See, Harry,
+here's Locke on the Human Understanding."--"Rather a poor edition, my
+lord," replied the younger brother.
+
+Sir James Colquhoun, Baronet of Luss, Principal Clerk of Session,
+towards the close of the eighteenth century was one of the odd
+characters of his time, and was made the butt of all the wags of the
+Parliament House. On one occasion, whilst Henry Erskine was in the Court
+in which Sir James was on duty, he amused himself by making faces at the
+Principal Clerk, who was greatly annoyed at the strange conduct of the
+tormenting lawyer. Unable to bear it longer, he disturbed the gravity of
+the Court by rising from the table at which he sat and exclaiming, "My
+lord, my lord, I wish you would speak to Harry, he's aye making faces at
+me." Harry, however, looked as grave as a judge and the work of the
+Court proceeded, until Sir James, looking again towards the bar,
+witnessed a new grimace from his tormentor, and convulsed Bench, Bar,
+and audience by roaring out: "There, there, my lord, see he's at it
+again."
+
+Hugo Arnot's eccentricity took various forms. In his house in South St.
+Andrew Street, in the new town of Edinburgh, he greatly annoyed a lady
+who lived in the same tenement by the violence with which he kept
+ringing his bell for his servant. The lady complained; but what was her
+horror next day to hear several pistol-shots fired in the house, which
+was Arnot's new method of demanding his valet's immediate attendance.
+
+In his professional capacity, however, he was guided by a high sense of
+honour and of moral obligation. In a case submitted for his
+consideration, which seemed to him to possess neither of these
+qualifications, he with a very grave face said to his client: "Pray what
+do you suppose me to be?"--"Why, sir," answered the client, "I
+understood you to be a lawyer."--"I thought, sir," replied Arnot, "you
+took me for a scoundrel." On another occasion he was consulted by a
+lady, not remarkable either for youth or beauty or for good temper, as
+to the best method of getting rid of the importunities of a rejected
+admirer. After having told her story and claiming a relationship with
+him because her own name was Arnot, she wound up with: "Ye maun advise
+me what I ought to do with this impertinent fellow."--"Oh, marry him by
+all means, it's the only way to get quit of his importunities," was
+Arnot's advice. "I would see him hanged first," retorted the lady.
+"Nay, madam," rejoined Arnot, "marry him directly as I said before, and
+by the Lord Harry he'll soon hang himself."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Of the convivial habits of the Bar as well as the Bench in Scotland at
+this period many stories are told. The Second Lord President Dundas once
+refused to listen to counsel who obviously showed signs of having come
+into Court fresh from a tavern debauch. The check given by the President
+appeared to effect some sobering of the counsel's faculties and he
+immediately addressed his lordship upon the dignity of the Faculty of
+Advocates, winding up a long harangue with: "It is our duty and our
+privilege to speak, my lord, and it is your duty and your privilege to
+hear."
+
+Another counsel in a similar condition of haziness hurriedly entered the
+Court and took up the case in which he was engaged; but forgetting for
+which side he had been fee'd, to the unutterable amazement of the agent,
+delivered a long and fervent speech in the teeth of the interests he had
+been expected to support. When at last the agent made him understand the
+mistake he had made, he with infinite composure resumed his oration by
+saying: "Such, my lord, is the statement you will probably hear from my
+brother on the opposite side of the case. I shall now show your lordship
+how utterly untenable are the principles and how distorted are the
+facts upon which this very specious statement has proceeded." And so he
+went over the same ground and most angelically refuted himself from the
+beginning of his former pleading to the end.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ANDREW CROSBIE, ADVOCATE, "Pleydell."]
+
+When a barrister, pleading before Lord Mansfield, pronounced a Latin
+word with a false quantity his lordship rarely let the opportunity pass
+without exhibiting his own precise knowledge of that language. "My
+lords," said the Scottish advocate, Crosbie, at the bar of the House of
+Lords, "I have the honour to appear before your lordships as counsel for
+the Cur[)a]tors."--"Ugh," groaned the Westminster-Oxford law lord,
+softening his reproof by an allusion to his Scottish nationality,
+"Cur[=a]tors, Mr. Crosbie, Cur[=a]tors: I wish _our_ countrymen would
+pay a little more attention to prosody."--"My lord," replied Mr.
+Crosbie, with delightful readiness and composure, "I can assure you that
+_our_ countrymen are very proud of your lordship as the greatest
+sen[=a]tor and or[=a]tor of the present age."
+
+A very young Scottish advocate, afterwards an eminent judge on the
+Scottish Bench, pleading before the House of Lords, ventured to
+challenge some early judgments of that House, on which he was abruptly
+asked by Lord Brougham: "Do you mean, sir, to call in question the
+solemn decisions of this venerable tribunal?"--"Yes, my lord," coolly
+replied the young counsel, "there are some people in Scotland who are
+bold enough to dispute the soundness of some of your lordship's _own_
+decisions."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Sheriff Logan, when pleading before Lord Cunningham in a case which
+involved numerous points of form, on some of which he ventured to
+express an opinion, was repeatedly interrupted by old Beveridge, the
+judge's clerk--a great authority on matters of form--who unfortunately
+possessed a very large nasal organ, which literally overhung his mouth.
+"No, no," said the clerk, as the sheriff was quietly explaining the
+practice in certain cases. On which Logan, somewhat nettled at the blunt
+interruption, coolly replied: "But, my lord, I say: 'Yes, yes, yes,' in
+spite of Mr. Beveridge's _noes_."
+
+In the days of Sheriff Harper, Mr. Richard Lees, solicitor, Galashiels,
+was engaged in a case for a client who was not overburdened with the
+necessary funds for legal proceedings. However, he was thought good
+enough for the expenses in the case. The action went against Mr. Lees'
+client, and then Mr. Lees rose to plead for modified expenses. But the
+client leant across to speak to the lawyer and said in a hoarse whisper
+audible over the Court: "Dinna stent (limit) yoursels for the expenses
+for a haena a fardin'." This was too much even for the gravity of the
+Bench.
+
+Not many years ago, in the High Court at Glasgow, a case was heard
+before an eminent judge still on the Scottish Bench, in which the
+accused had committed a very serious assault and robbery. He was unable
+to engage counsel for his defence, and the usual course was adopted of
+putting his case in the hands of "counsel for the poor." There was
+really no defence; but the young advocate who undertook the task had to
+make the best of it, and the plea he put forward was that the accused
+was so drunk at the time he did not know what he was doing. It was the
+best thing he could do in the circumstances, as all the success he could
+expect to make with a well-known felon was a mitigation of the sentence.
+When it came to his time to address the Court, he set out in the
+following fashion: "My lord and gentlemen of the jury, you all know what
+it is to be drunk."
+
+It is most important to be exact in stating the times of the movements
+of a person accused of murder. In a recent case this point was very
+minutely examined by an advocate in the Scottish Court. One witness
+deponed that she saw the accused in a certain place at 5.40 P.M. "Are
+you sure," asked the learned counsel in a tone calculated to make a
+witness not quite sure after all, "are you sure it was not twenty
+minutes to six?" And then he seemed surprised at the laughter his
+question had raised.
+
+When Mr. Ludovick Mair, who was a very short man, was Sheriff-Substitute
+of Lanarkshire, he was called upon, at an Ayrshire Burns Club dinner, to
+propose the toast of the "Ayrshire Lasses." After alluding to the honour
+that had been conferred upon him, happily said that "Provided his fair
+clients were prepared to be 'contented wi' little and canty wi' mair,'
+he had no compunction in performing the agreeable duty."
+
+In the Glasgow Small Debt Court where the sheriff frequently presided, a
+young lawyer's exhaustive eloquence in striving to prove that his client
+was not due the sum sued for, drew from his lordship the following
+interruption: "Excuse me, sir, but throughout the conflict and turmoil
+engendered by this desperate dispute with the pursuer I presume the
+British Empire is not in any danger?"--"No, my lord," came the reply,
+"but I fear after that interrogation from your lordship my client's case
+is?"
+
+On one occasion the sheriff, becoming impatient with an agent's
+protracted speech, rebuked him thus: "Be brief, be brief, my dear sir;
+time is short and eternity is long!" And again on being asked by an
+agent not to allow a witty old Irishman to act as the spokesman of "the
+defendant" on the ground that the Irishman was not now in the
+defendant's employment, the sheriff sternly said to the would-be
+witness: "Now, answer me truthfully, mirthful Michael, are you or are
+you not in the defendant's employment?"--"Well, my lord of lords," was
+the reply, "that is to say, in the learned phraseology of the law, _pro
+tem_ I am and _ultimo_ and _proximo_ I amn't."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Two stories are told of the late Sheriff Balfour. His lordship was
+addressing a prisoner at unusual length, when he was interrupted more
+than once by a _sotto voce_ observation from his then clerk, who was
+very impatient when the luncheon hour drew near. Accustomed to this
+interruption, the sheriff, as a rule, took no notice of them. On this
+occasion, however, he threw down his quill with a show of annoyance,
+leaned back in his chair, and addressed the interrupter thus: "I say,
+Mr. ----, are you, or am I, sheriff here?" Promptly came the unabashed
+reply: "You, of course; but your lordship knows that this woman has been
+frequently here," meaning that it was idle to address words of counsel
+to the prisoner. On another occasion, the sheriff was pulled up by a
+male prisoner, who took exception to his version of the story of the
+crime, and concluded: "So you see I've got your lordship there."--"Have
+you?" was the sheriff's rejoinder. "No, but I've got you--three months
+hard."
+
+A law agent was talking at length against an opinion which Sheriff
+Balfour had already indicated. Twice the sheriff essayed in vain to
+stay the torrent that was flowing uselessly past the mill. At last, in a
+more decided tone, he asked the agent to allow him just one word, after
+which he would engage not to interrupt him again. "Certainly, milord,"
+said the agent. "Decree," said the sheriff.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Counsel who are briefless and who spend much time in perambulating the
+floor of Parliament Hall should be as careful in their dress as their
+more fortunate neighbours who jostle each other in the lobbies as they
+rush from one Court to another. A company of Americans visiting the
+Courts one day made a casual inquiry of one of the advocates "in
+waiting," who politely offered to show them all that is to be seen. As
+they were leaving, one of the party caught hold of a passing solicitor
+and after apologising for stopping him inquired: "This--this--this
+gentleman has been very good in showing us over your beautiful place.
+Would it be correct to give him something?"--"Yes, certainly," said the
+busy practitioner, "and it will be the first fee he has earned, to my
+knowledge, for the last ten years."
+
+An advocate of the present day, in trying to induce the Second Division
+of the Court of Session to reverse a decision pronounced in Glasgow
+Sheriff Court somewhat startled the Bench by reminding them that their
+lordships were only mortal after all. "Are you quite sure of that?"
+asked the presiding judge. Counsel judiciously refrained from replying
+to this poser. The incident recalls an occasion in the Second Division
+when it was presided over by Lord Justice-Clerk Moncreiff. A junior
+counsel was debating a case in the division, and, apparently finding he
+was not making much headway, invited their lordships to imagine for the
+moment that they were navvies, and to look at the question from the
+point of view of the worker. In stately tones the Lord Justice-Clerk
+informed the audacious junior that his invitation was unsuited to the
+dignity of the Court.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A learned counsel at the Bar prided himself on the juvenility of his
+appearance, and boasted that he looked twenty years younger than he was.
+He was cross-examining a very prepossessing and uncommonly
+self-possessed young woman as to the age of a person whom she knew quite
+well, but could get no satisfactory answer. "Well," he persisted, "but
+surely you must have been able to make a good guess at his age, having
+seen him often."--"People don't always look their age."--"No, but you
+can surely form a good idea from their looks. Now, how old should you
+say I am?" "You might be sixty by your looks, but judging by the
+questions you ask I should say about sixteen!"
+
+Much amusement is afforded by the answers given by witnesses to judges
+and counsel. They form the theme of legions of stories, and we append a
+selection to this chapter of legal wit of the Bar.
+
+An Irishman before Lord Ardwall was giving evidence on the question
+whether having lived eleven years in Glasgow he was a domiciled
+Scotsman. He swore that he was, and as a question of succession depended
+upon the domicile the point was of importance. The opposing counsel
+thought he had him cornered when on the list of voters for an Irish
+constituency he found the witness's name. But Pat was equal to the
+occasion. "It's a safe sate," he said; "they never revise the lists,"
+and by way of clinching the argument, he added: "Shure there's men in
+Oireland who have been in their graves for twenty years who voted at the
+last election."
+
+Legal gentlemen sometimes resort to methods not quite in accordance with
+usual practice to elicit information from stubborn witnesses. In Glasgow
+Sheriff Court one day a somewhat long and involved question was
+addressed by the cross-examining agent to a witness who, from his stout
+build and imperturbable manner, looked the embodiment of Scottish
+caution. The witness, who was not to be so easily "had," having regarded
+his questioner with a steady gaze for the space of almost a minute, at
+last broke silence: "Would you mind, sir," said he, "just repeating
+that question, and splitting it into bits?" And after the Court had
+regained its composure the discomfited agent humbly proceeded to
+subdivide the question.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In the old days when Highlanders "kist oot" (quarrelled) they resorted
+to the claymore, but the hereditary fighting spirit appears nowadays in
+an appeal to the law. Perth Sheriff Courts witness many a "bout" between
+the stalwarts, who are not amiss to clash all round if need be. "You
+must have been in very questionable company at the show?" inquired a
+sheriff of a farmer. "Weel, ma lord--you wis the last gentleman I spoke
+to that day as I was coming oot!" was his reply.
+
+The pointed insinuation to another witness in a claim case at the same
+Court. "I think I have seen you here rather often of late," drew the
+reply, "Nae doot, if a'm no takin' onybody here--then it's them that's
+takin' me!"
+
+Quite recently an old farmer in Perthshire, who had been rather severely
+cross-examined by the opposing counsel, had his sweet revenge when the
+sheriff, commenting on the case, inquired: "There seems to be a great
+deal of dram-dramming at C---- on Tuesdays, I imagine?"--"Aye, whiles,"
+was the canny reply--and immediately following it up, as he pointed
+across at the rival lawyer, he continued--"an' that nicker ower there
+can tak' a bit dram wi' the best o' them!"
+
+A young advocate, as junior in a licensing club case, had to
+cross-examine the certifying Justice of the Peace who was very diffuse
+and rather evasive in his answers. "Speak a little more simply and to
+the point, please," said counsel mildly. "You are a little ambiguous,
+you know."--"I am not, sir," replied the witness indignantly; "I have
+been teetotal for a year."
+
+It is a fact well known to lawyers that it is a risky thing to call
+witnesses to character unless you know exactly beforehand what they are
+going to say. Here is an instance in point. "You say you have known the
+prisoner all your life?" said the counsel. "Yes, sir," was the reply.
+"Now," was the next question, "in your opinion is he a man who is likely
+to have been guilty of stealing this money?"--"Well," said the witness
+thoughtfully, "how much was it?"
+
+In a County Sheriff Court his lordship addressed a witness: "You said
+you drove a milk-cart, didn't you?" "No, sir, I didn't."--"Don't you
+drive a milk-cart?" "No, sir."--"Ah! then what do you do, sir?"--"I
+drive a horse."
+
+A well-known lawyer not now in practice, who had risen from humble
+parentage to be Procurator Fiscal of his county, once got a sharp retort
+from a witness in Court. It was a case of law-burrows--well known in
+Scotland--which requires a person to give security against doing
+violence to another. A lady had assaulted a priest who in the discharge
+of his duty had been visiting her husband--a member of his flock. The
+lady was herself a Protestant, and suspected the reverend gentleman of
+designs on her husband's property for behoof of his Church. The witness
+in the box was prepared on every point, and the following dialogue
+ensued--P.F.: "Who was your father?" Lady: "My father was a gentleman."
+P.F.: "Yes, but who was he?" Lady: "He was a good man and much
+respected, although he didn't make such a noise in the world as yours."
+The P.F.'s father had been the town crier.
+
+Perhaps it was to the same lawyer who asked the question of a labouring
+man: "Are you the husband of the previous witness?" and got the answer:
+"I dinna ken onything aboot the previous witness, but if it was Mrs.
+----, a'm her man."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The macer who calls the cases coming before the judges in Court was in
+older days an interesting personality. Lord Cockburn recalls the time
+when this duty was performed by the "crier" putting his head out of a
+small window high up in the wall of the Parliament House and shouting
+down to the counsel and agents assembled below him. Now it is performed
+from a raised dais on the floor of the hall, and it is no joke when the
+macer has to call in stentorian tones such a case as "Dampskibsselskabet
+Danmary _v._ John Smith." Learned members of the Faculty approach such a
+difficulty otherwise. During "motions" one day an astute counsel said,
+"In number 11 of your lordship's roll." "What did you call it?" inquired
+the judge. "I called it number 11," na�vely replied counsel. The case
+was "Fiskiveidschlutafjelagid Island _v._ Standard Fishing Company."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The administration of the oath in Courts of Justice is apt to become
+perfunctory, and some sheriffs shorten the formula, so that it is
+administered somewhat after this fashion: "I swearbalmitygod, that I
+will tell the truth, the wholetruth, anothingbuthetruth." There is one
+sheriff more punctilious, and recently he administered the oath to a
+female witness, making her recite it in sections after him. "I swear by
+Almighty God" (pause). Witness: "I swear by Almighty God."--"As I shall
+answer to God." Witness: "As I shall answer to God."--"At the Great Day
+of Judgment." The witness stumbled over this clause, and the sheriff had
+to repeat it twice. As she ran more glibly over the concluding words,
+the sheriff remarked: "It's extraordinary how many people come to this
+Court who seem never to have heard of that great occasion."
+
+This is what took place in a Glasgow Court. Sheriff: "Repeat this after
+me, 'I swear by Almighty God.'" Witness: "I swear by Almighty God."
+Sheriff: "I will tell the truth." Witness: "I will tell the truth."
+Sheriff: "The whole truth." Witness: "I HOPE so!"
+
+In Edinburgh Sheriff Small Debt Court the oath was administered to a
+witness who was dull of hearing. "I swear by Almighty God," said the
+sheriff. The witness put his hollowed hand to his ear and asked: "Wha
+dae ye sweer by?" Many Court reporters have heard a witness swear to
+tell "the truth, the whole truth, and anything but the truth"; and one
+old lady (mistaking certain words recited by the judge) affirmed her
+determination to tell the truth "with a great deal of judgment."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+As we indicated at the beginning of this volume, stories of wit and
+humour from the ranks of agents in the legal profession are much rarer
+than in those of the Bench and the Bar. From the _Court of Session
+Garland_ we quote the following relating to a worthy practitioner in the
+days when Councillor Pleydell played "high jinks" in his favourite
+tavern.
+
+In old times some stray agents in Scotland might be found who were not
+particularly distinguished for professional attainments, and who
+sometimes could not "draw" a paper as it is termed. One of these
+worthies was impressed with the idea that his powers were equal to the
+preparation of a petition for the appointment of a factor. His clerk was
+summoned, pens, ink, and paper placed before him, and the process of
+dictation commenced: "Unto the Right Honourable." "Right Honourable,"
+echoed the clerk. "The Lords of Council and Session."--"Session,"
+continued the scribe--"the Petition of Alexander Macdonald, tenant in
+Skye--Skye--humbly sheweth--sheweth." "Stop, John, read what I've
+said."--"Yes, sir. 'Unto the Right Honourable the Lords of Council and
+Session the Petition of Alexander Macdonald, tenant in Skye, humbly
+sheweth.'"--"Very well, John, very well. Where did you stop?"--"Humbly
+sheweth--that the petitioner--petitioner"--here a pause for a
+minute--"that the petitioner. It's down, sir." Here the master got up,
+walked about the room, scratched his head, took snuff, but in vain; the
+inspiration had fled with the mysterious word "petitioner." The clerk
+looked up somewhat amazed that his master had got that length, and at
+last ventured to suggest that the difficulty might be got over. "How,
+John?" exclaimed his master. "As you have done the most important part,
+what would you say, sir, to send the paper to be finished by Mr. M----
+with a guinea?"--"The very thing, John, tak' the paper to Mr. M----,
+and as we've done the maist fickle pairt of the work he's deevilish weel
+aff wi' a guinea."
+
+We are indebted to the author of that capital collection of Scottish
+anecdote, _Thistledown_, for the following story, as illustrating one of
+the many humorous attempts to get the better of the law, and one in
+which the lawyer was "hoist with his own petard." A dealer having hired
+a horse to a lawyer, the latter, either through bad usage or by
+accident, killed the beast, upon which the hirer insisted upon payment
+of its value; and if it was not convenient to pay costs, he expressed
+his willingness to accept a bill. The lawyer offered no objection, but
+said he must have a long date. The hirer desired him to fix his own
+time, whereupon the writer drew a promissory note, making it payable at
+the day of judgment. An action ensued, when in defence, the lawyer asked
+the judge to look at the bill. Having done so, the judge replied: "The
+bill is perfectly good, sir; and as this is the day of judgment, I
+decree that you pay to-morrow."
+
+Joseph Gillon was a well-known Writer to the Signet early in the
+nineteenth century. Calling on him at his office one day, Sir Walter
+Scott said, "Why, Joseph, this place is as hot as an oven."--"Well,"
+quoth Gillon, "and isn't it here that I make my bread?"
+
+A celebrated Scottish preacher and pastor was visiting the house of a
+solicitor who was one of his flock, but had a reputation of indulging
+in sharp practice. The minister was surprised to meet there two other
+members of his flock whose relations with the solicitor were not at the
+time known to be friendly or otherwise. In course of conversation the
+solicitor, alluding to some disputed point, appealed to the minister:
+"Doctor, these are members of your flock; may I ask whether you look on
+them as black or as white sheep?"--"I don't know," answered the
+minister, "whether they are black or white sheep; but this I know, that
+if they are long here they are pretty sure to be _fleeced_."
+
+_Apropos_ of this story is the one of a Scottish countrywoman who
+applied to a respectable solicitor for advice. After detailing all the
+circumstances of the case, she was asked if she had stated the facts
+exactly as they had occurred. "Ou ay, sir," rejoined the applicant; "I
+thought it best to tell you the plain truth; you can put the lees till't
+yoursel'."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LAWYER'S TOAST
+
+At a dinner of a Scots Law Society, the president called upon an old
+solicitor present to give as a toast the person whom he considered the
+best friend of the profession. "Then," said the gentleman very slyly,
+"I'll give you 'The Man who makes his own will.'"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER SEVEN
+
+THE AMERICAN BENCH & BAR
+
+
+     "Going tew law is like skinning a new milch cow for the hide
+     and giving the meat tew the lawyers."
+
+     JOSH BILLINGS.
+
+
+     "Oh, sir, you understand a conscience, but not law."
+
+     MASSINGER: _The Old Law_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER SEVEN
+
+THE AMERICAN BENCH & BAR
+
+
+The Rev. H. R. Haweis has defined "humour as the electric atmosphere,
+wit as the flash. A situation provides atmospheric humour, and with the
+culminating point of it comes the flash." This definition is peculiarly
+applicable to the humour of the Bench and Bar when the situation
+invariably provides the atmosphere for the wit. Not less so is this the
+case in American Courts than in British. Before Chief Justice Parsons
+was raised to the Bench, and when he was the leading lawyer of America,
+a client wrote, stating a case, requesting his opinion upon it, and
+enclosing twenty dollars. After the lapse of some time, receiving no
+answer, he wrote a second letter, informing him of his first
+communication. Parsons replied that he had received both letters, had
+examined the case and formed his opinion, but somehow or other "it stuck
+in his throat." The client understood this hint, sent him one hundred
+dollars, and received the opinion.
+
+[Illustration: THEOPHILUS PARSONS, CHIEF JUSTICE OF THE SUPREME COURT OF
+MASSACHUSETTS.]
+
+He was engaged in a heavy case which gave rise to many encounters
+between himself and the opposing counsel, Mr. Sullivan. During Parson's
+speech Sullivan picked up Parson's large black hat and wrote with a
+piece of chalk upon it: "This is the hat of a d--d rascal." The lawyers
+sitting round began to titter, which called attention to the hat, and
+the inscription soon caught the eye of Parsons, who at once said: "May
+it please your honour, I crave the protection of the Court, Brother
+Sullivan has been stealing my hat and writing his own name upon it."
+
+Parsons was considered a strong judge, and somewhat overbearing in his
+attitude towards counsel. One day he stopped Dexter, an eminent
+advocate, in the middle of his address to the jury, on the ground that
+he was urging a point unsupported by any evidence. Dexter hastily
+observed, "Your honour, did you argue your own cases in the way you
+require us to do?"--"Certainly not," retorted the judge; "but that was
+the judge's fault, not mine."
+
+Patrick Henry, "the forest-born Demosthenes," as Lord Byron called him,
+was defending an army commissary, who, during the distress of the
+American army in 1781, had seized some bullocks belonging to John Hook,
+a wealthy Scottish settler. The seizure was not quite legal, but Henry,
+defending, painted the hardships the patriotic army had to endure.
+"Where was the man," he said, "who had an American heart in his bosom
+who would not have thrown open his fields, his barbs, his cellars, the
+doors of his house, the portals of his breast, to have received with
+open arms the meanest soldier in that little band of famished patriots?
+Where is the man? _There_ he stands; and whether the heart of an
+American beats in his bosom, you gentlemen are to judge." He then
+painted the surrender of the British troops, their humiliation and
+dejection, the triumph of the patriot band, the shouts of victory, the
+cry of "Washington and liberty," as it rang and echoed through the
+American ranks, and was reverberated from vale to hill, and then to
+heaven. "But hark! What notes of discord are these which disturb the
+general joy and silence, the acclamations of victory; they are the notes
+of _John Hook_, hoarsely bawling through the American camp--'Beef! beef!
+beef!'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It is sometimes imagined that eloquent oratory is everything required of
+a good advocate, and certainly this idea must have been uppermost in the
+minds of the young American counsel who figure in the following stories.
+A Connecticut lawyer had addressed a long and impressive speech to a
+jury, of which this was his peroration: "And now the shades of night had
+wrapped the earth in darkness. All nature lay clothed in solemn thought,
+when the defendant ruffians came rushing like a mighty torrent from the
+mountains down upon the abodes of peace, broke open the plaintiff's
+house, separated the weeping mother from the screeching infant, and
+carried off--my client's rifle, gentlemen of the jury, for which we
+claim fifteen dollars."
+
+There was good excuse for adopting the "high-falutin" tone in the
+second instance, that it was the lawyer's first appearance. He was
+panting for distinction, and determined to convince the Court and jury
+that he was "born to shine." So he opened: "May it please the Court and
+gentlemen of the jury--while Europe is bathed in blood, while classic
+Greece is struggling for her rights and liberties, and trampling the
+unhallowed altars of the bearded infidels to dust, while the chosen few
+of degenerate Italy are waving their burnished swords in the sunlight of
+liberty, while America shines forth the brightest orb in the political
+sky--I, I, with due diffidence, rise to defend the cause of this humble
+hog thief."
+
+And this extract from a barrister's address "out West," some fifty years
+ago, surely could not fail to influence the jury in his client's behalf.
+"The law expressly declares, gentlemen, in the beautiful language of
+Shakespeare, that where a doubt of the prisoner exists, it is your duty
+to fetch him in innocent. If you keep this fact in view, in the case of
+my client, gentlemen, you will have the honour of making a friend of him
+and all his relations, and you can allus look upon this occasion and
+reflect with pleasure that you have done as you would be done by. But
+if, on the other hand, you disregard the principles of law and bring him
+in guilty, the silent twitches of conscience will follow you all over
+every fair cornfield, I reckon, and my injured and down-trodden client
+will be apt to light on you one of these dark nights as my cat lights on
+a saucerful of new milk."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In a rural Justice Court in one of the Southern States the defendant in
+a case was sentenced to serve thirty days in jail. He had known the
+judge from boyhood, and addressed him as follows: "Bill, old boy, you're
+gwine to send me ter jail, air you?"--"That's so," replied the judge;
+"have you got anything to say agin it?"--"Only this, Bill: God help you
+when I git out."
+
+Daniel Webster was a clever and successful lawyer, who was engaged in
+many important causes in his day. In a case in one of the Virginian
+Courts he had for his opponent William Wirt, the biographer of Patrick
+Henry, a work which was criticised as a brilliant romance. In the
+progress of the case Webster brought forward a highly respectable
+witness, whose testimony (unless disproved or impeached) settled the
+case, and annihilated Wirt's client. After getting through his
+testimony, Webster informed his opponent, with a significant expression,
+that he had now closed his evidence, and his witness was at Wirt's
+service. The counsel for defence rose to cross-examine, but seemed for a
+moment quite perplexed how to proceed, but quickly assuming a manner
+expressive of his incredulity as to the facts elicited, and coolly
+eyeing the witness, said: "Mr. ----, allow me to ask you whether you
+have ever read a work called _Baron Munchausen_?" Before the witness had
+time to answer, Webster rose and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr. Wirt, for
+the interruption, but there was one question I forgot to ask my witness,
+and if you will allow me that favour I promise not to interrupt you
+again." Mr. Wirt in the blandest manner replied, "Yes, most certainly";
+when Webster in the most deliberate and solemn manner, said, "Sir, have
+you ever read Wirt's _Life of Patrick Henry_?" The effect was so
+irresistible that even the judge could not control his rigid features.
+Wirt himself joined in the momentary laugh, and turning to Webster said:
+"Suppose we submit this case to jury without summing up"; which was
+assented to, and Mr. Webster's client won the case.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In the year 1785 an Indian murdered a Mr. Evans at Pittsburg. When,
+after a confinement of several months, his trial was to be brought on,
+the chiefs of his nation were invited to be present at the proceedings
+and see how the trial would be conducted, as well as to speak in behalf
+of the accused, if they chose. These chiefs, however, instead of going
+as wished for, sent to the civil officers of that place the following
+laconic answer: "Brethren! you inform us that ----, who murdered one of
+your men at Pittsburg, is shortly to be tried by the laws of your
+country, at which trial you request that some of us may be present.
+Brethren! knowing ---- to have been always a very bad man, we do not
+wish to see him. We therefore advise you to try him by your laws, and to
+hang him, so that he may never return to us again."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There are many stories of the smart repartee of white and coloured
+witnesses and prisoners appearing before American judges, but the most
+of them bear such strong evidence of newspaper staff manufacture as to
+be unworthy of more permanent record than the weekly "fill up" they were
+designed for. Of the more reputable we select a few.
+
+Judge Emory Speer, of the southern district of Georgia, had before his
+Court a typical charge of illicit distilling. "What's your name?"
+demanded the eminent judge. "Joshua, jedge," drawled the prisoner.
+"Joshua who made the sun stand still?" smiled the judge, in amusement at
+the laconic answer. "No, sir. Joshua who made the moon shine," answered
+the quick-witted mountaineer. And it is needless to say that Judge Speer
+made the sentence as light as he possibly could, saying to his friends
+in telling the story that wit like that deserved some recompense.
+
+A newly qualified judge in Tennessee was trying his first criminal
+case. The accused was an old negro charged with robbing a hen-coop. He
+had been in Court before on a similar charge, and was then acquitted.
+"Well, Tom," began the judge, "I see you're in trouble again."--"Yes,
+sah," replied the negro. "The last time, jedge, you was ma
+lawyer."--"Where is your lawyer this time?" asked the judge. "I ain't
+got no lawyer this time," answered Tom. "I'm going to tell the truth."
+
+Judge M. W. Pinckney tells the story of a coloured man, Sam Jones by
+name, who was on trial at Dawson City, for felony. The judge asked Sam
+if he desired the appointment of a lawyer to defend him. "No, sah," Sam
+replied, "I'se gwine to throw myself on the ignorance of the cote."
+
+A Southern lawyer tells of a case that came to him at the outset of his
+career, wherein his principal witness was a negro named Jackson,
+supposed to have knowledge of certain transactions not at all to the
+credit of his employer, the defendant. "Now, Jackson," said the lawyer,
+"I want you to understand the importance of telling the truth when you
+are put on the stand. You know what will happen, don't you, if you don't
+tell the truth?"--"Yessir," was Jackson's reply; "in dat case I expects
+our side will win de case."
+
+When Senator Taylor was Governor of Tennessee, he issued a great many
+pardons to men and women confined in penitentiaries or jails in that
+State. His reputation as a "pardoning Governor" resulted in his being
+besieged by everybody who had a relative incarcerated. One morning an
+old negro woman made her way into the executive offices and asked Taylor
+to pardon her husband, who was in jail. "What's he in for?" asked the
+Governor. "Fo' nothin' but stealin' a ham," explained the wife. "You
+don't want me to pardon him," argued the Governor. "If he got out he
+would only make trouble for you again."--"'Deed I does want him out ob
+dat place!" she objected. "I needs dat man."--"Why do you need him?"
+inquired Taylor, patiently. "Me an' de chillun," she said, seriously,
+"needs another ham."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Etiquette in the matter of dress was, in early days, of little or no
+consequence with American lawyers, especially in the Southern States. In
+South Carolina this neglect of the rigid observance of English rules on
+the part of Mr. Petigru, a well-known barrister, gave rise to the
+following passage between the Bench and the Bar.
+
+"Mr. Petigru," said the judge, "you have on a light coat. You can't
+speak."
+
+"May it please the Bench," said the barrister, "I conform strictly to
+the law. Let me illustrate. The law says the barrister shall wear a
+black gown and coat, and your honour thinks that means a black coat?"
+
+"Yes," said the judge.
+
+"Well, the law also says the sheriff shall wear a cocked hat and sword.
+Does your honour hold that the sword must be cocked as well as the hat?"
+
+He was permitted to go on.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In the United States, as elsewhere, the average juryman is not very well
+versed in the fine distinctions of the law. On these it is the judge's
+duty to instruct him. What guidance the jury got from the explanation of
+what constitutes murder is not quite clear to the lay mind, however
+satisfactory it may have appeared to the judge.
+
+"Gentlemen," he stated, with admirable lucidity, "murder is where a man
+is murderously killed. The killer in such a case is a murderer. Now,
+murder by poison is just as much murder as murder with a gun, pistol, or
+knife. It is the simple act of murdering that constitutes murder in the
+eye of the law. Don't let the idea of murder and manslaughter confound
+you. Murder is one thing; manslaughter is quite another. Consequently,
+if there has been a murder, and it is not manslaughter, then it must be
+murder. Don't let this point escape you."
+
+"Self-murder has nothing to do with this case. According to Blackstone
+and other legal writers, one man cannot commit _felo-de-se_ upon
+another; and this is my opinion. Gentlemen, murder is murder. The murder
+of a brother is called fratricide; the murder of a father is called
+parricide, but that don't enter into this case. As I have said before,
+murder is emphatically murder."
+
+"You will consider your verdict, gentlemen, and make up your minds
+according to the law and the evidence, not forgetting the explanation I
+have given you."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There is a delightful frankness about the address submitted to the
+electors by a candidate who solicited their support for the position of
+sheriff in one of the provinces of the United States, but its honesty
+cannot be questioned:
+
+"Gentlemen, I offer myself a candidate for sheriff; I have been a
+revolutionary officer; fought many bloody battles, suffered hunger,
+toil, heat; got honourable scars, but little pay. I will tell you
+plainly how I shall discharge my duty should I be so happy as to obtain
+a majority of your suffrages. If writs are put into my hands against any
+of you, I will take you if I can, and, unless you can get bail, I will
+deliver you over to the keeper of the gaol. Secondly, if judgments are
+found against you, and executions directed to me, I will sell your
+property as the law directs, without favour or affection; if there be
+any surplus money, I will punctually remit it. Thirdly, if any of you
+should commit a crime (which God forbid!) that requires capital
+punishment, according to law, I will hang you up by the neck till you
+are dead."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: RUFUS CHOATE, LEADER OF THE MASSACHUSETTS BAR.]
+
+Rufus Choate was designated _the_ leader of the Massachusetts Bar--a
+distinctive title which long outlived him and marked the sense of esteem
+in which he was held by his brother lawyers, as well as indicating his
+outstanding ability and success.
+
+In 1841 a divorce case was tried in America, and a young woman named
+Abigail Bell was the chief witness of the adultery of the wife. Sumner,
+for the defence, cross-examined Abigail. "Are you married?"--"No."--"Any
+children?"--"No."--"Have you a child?" Here there was a long pause, and
+then at last the witness feebly replied, "Yes." Sumner sat down with an
+air of triumph. Rufus Choate was advocate for the husband, who claimed
+the divorce, and after enlarging on other things, said, "Gentlemen,
+Abigail Bell's evidence is before you." Raising himself proudly, he
+continued, "I solemnly assert there is not the shadow of a shade of
+doubt or suspicion on that evidence or on her character." Everybody
+looked surprised, and he went on: "What though in an unguarded moment
+she may have trusted too much to the young man to whom she had pledged
+her untried affections; to whom she was to be wedded on the next Lord's
+Day; and who was suddenly struck dead at her feet by a stroke of
+lightning out of the heavens!" This was delivered with such tragic
+effect that Choate, majestically pausing, saw the jury had taken the
+cue, and he went on triumphantly to the end. He afterwards told his
+friends that he had a right to make any supposition consistent with the
+witness's innocence.
+
+A client went to consult him as to the proper redress for an intolerable
+insult and wrong he had just suffered. He had been in a dispute with a
+waiter at the hotel, who in a paroxysm of rage and contempt told the
+client "to go to ----." "Now," said the client, "I ask you, Mr. Choate,
+as one learned in the law, and as my legal adviser, what course under
+these circumstances I ought to take to punish this outrageous insult."
+Choate looked grave, and told the client to repeat slowly all the
+incidents preceding this outburst, telling him to be careful not to omit
+anything, and when this was done Choate stood for a while as if in deep
+thought and revolving an abstruse subject; he then gravely said: "I have
+been running over in my head all the statutes of the United States, and
+all the statutes of the commonwealth of Massachusetts, and all the
+decisions of all the judges in our Courts therein, and I may say that I
+am thoroughly satisfied that there is nothing in any of them that will
+require you to go to the place you have mentioned. And if you will take
+my advice then I say decidedly--_don't go_."
+
+Choate defended a blacksmith whose creditor had seized some iron that a
+friend had lent him to assist in the business after a bankruptcy. The
+seizure of the iron was said to have been made harshly. Choate thus
+described it: "He arrested the arm of industry as it fell towards the
+anvil; he put out the breath of his bellows; he extinguished the fire
+upon his hearthstone. Like pirates in a gale at sea, his enemies swept
+everything by the board, leaving, gentlemen of the jury, not so
+much--not so much as a horseshoe to nail upon the doorpost to keep the
+witches off." The blacksmith, sitting behind, was seen to have tears in
+his eyes at this description, and a friend noticing it, said, "Why, Tom,
+what's the matter with you? What are you blubbering about?"--"I had no
+idea," said Tom in a whisper, "that I had been so abominably
+ab-ab-bused."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A veteran member of the Baltimore Bar tells of an amusing
+cross-examination in a Court of that city. The witness seemed disposed
+to dodge the questions of counsel for the defence. "Sir," admonished the
+counsel sternly, "you need not tell us your impressions. We want facts.
+We are quite competent to form our own impressions. Now, sir, answer me
+categorically." From that time on he got little more than "yes" and
+"no" from the witness. Presently counsel asked: "You say that you live
+next door to the defendant."--"Yes."--"To the south of him?"--"No."--"To
+the north?"--"No."--"Well, to the east then?"--"No."--"Ah," exclaimed
+the counsel sarcastically, "we are likely now to get down to the one
+real fact. You live to the west of him, do you not?"--"No."--"How is
+that, sir?" the astounded counsel asked. "You say you live next door to
+the defendant, yet he lives neither north, south, east, or west of you.
+What do you mean by that, sir?" Whereupon the witness "came back." "I
+thought perhaps you were competent to form the impression that we lived
+in a flat," said the witness calmly; "but I see I must inform you that
+he lives next door above me."
+
+In the Supreme Court of the United States the President interrupted
+counsel in the course of a long speech by saying: "Mr. Jones, you must
+give this Court credit for knowing _something_."--"That's all very
+well," replied the advocate (who came from a Western State), "but that's
+exactly the mistake I made in the Court below."
+
+In a suit for damages against a grasping railway corporation for killing
+a cow, the attorney for the plaintiff, addressing the twelve Arkansas
+good men and true who were sitting in judgment, and on their respective
+shoulder-blades, said: "Gentlemen of the jury, if the train had been
+running as slow as it should have been ran, if the bell had been rung as
+it 'ort to have been rang, or the whistle had been blown as it 'ort to
+have been blew, none of which was did, the cow would not have been
+injured when she was killed."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Although not strictly a story of either the Bench or the Bar of America,
+it is so pertinent to the latter that we cannot omit the following told
+by the Scottish clergyman, the late Dr. Gillespie of Mouswold, in his
+amusing collection of anecdotes.
+
+A young American lady was his guest at the manse while a young Scottish
+advocate was spending a holiday in the neighbourhood. He was invited to
+dine at the manse, and took the young lady in to dinner, and kept
+teasing her in a lively, good-natured manner about American people and
+institutions, while it may be guessed his neighbour held her own, as
+most American girls are well able to do. At length the advocate asked,
+"Miss ----, have you any lawyers in America?" She knowing what
+profession he belonged to replied quick as thought, "Oh yes, Mr. ----,
+lots of lawyers. I've a brother a lawyer. Whenever we've a member of a
+family a bigger liar than another, we make him a lawyer."
+
+A quaint decision was given by Judge Kimmel, of the Supreme Court at
+St. Louis, in an application for divorce by Mrs. Quan. The judge
+directed Patrick J. Egan, a policeman, to supervise the domestic affairs
+of the couple, and to visit their home daily for thirty days. After
+questioning the wife closely on her attitude towards her husband and his
+treatment of her, Egan wrote down for the wife's guidance a long array
+of precepts. Among these were the following:
+
+"Don't remonstrate with your husband when he has been drinking. Wait
+until next morning. Then give him a cup of coffee for his headache.
+Afterwards lead him into the parlour, put your arms about him, and give
+him a lecture. It will have more weight with him than any number of
+quarrels.
+
+"If he has to drink, let him have it at home.
+
+"Avoid mothers-in-law. Don't let them live with you or interfere in your
+affairs.
+
+"If you must have your own way, do not let your husband know you are
+trying to boss him. Have your own way by letting him think he is having
+his.
+
+"Dress to suit your husband's taste and income. Husbands usually don't
+like their wives to wear tight dresses. Consult him on these matters.
+
+"Don't be jealous or give your husband cause for jealousy.
+
+"When your husband is in a bad humour, be in a good humour. It may be
+difficult, but it will pay."
+
+The policeman-philosopher's precepts were duly printed, framed, and
+placed against the wall of the family sitting-room. After paying only
+fifteen of the thirty visits to the house directed by the judge, the
+results could not have been more gratifying. Mr. and Mrs. Quan were
+delighted, and presented the guide to martial bliss with a handsome
+token of their gratitude in the form of a gold watch.
+
+Many of the droll sayings of the American Bench of past years are
+attributable to the fact that the judges were appointed by popular vote,
+and the successful candidate was not always a man of high attainments in
+the practice of his profession at the Bar, or of profound learning in
+the laws of his country. Too often he was a man of no better education
+than the mass of litigants upon whose causes he was called to
+adjudicate. For instance, a Kentuckian judge cut short a tedious and
+long-winded counsel by suddenly breaking into his speech with: "If the
+Court is right, and she thinks she air, why, then, you are wrong, and
+you knows you is. Shut up!"
+
+"What are you reading from?" demanded Judge Dowling, who had in his
+earlier life been a fireman and later a police officer. "From the
+statutes of 1876, your honour," was the reply. "Well, you needn't read
+any more," retorted the judge; "I'm judge in this Court, and my statutes
+are good enough law for anybody." A codified law and precedent cases
+were of no account to this "equity" judge.
+
+But these are mild instances of the methods of early American judges
+compared with the summing up of Judge Rodgers--Old Kye, as he was
+called--in an action for wrongful dismissal brought before him by an
+overseer. "The jury," said his honour, "will take notice that this Court
+is well acquainted with the nature of the case. When this Court first
+started in the world it followed the business of overseering, and if
+there is a business which this Court understands, it's hosses, mules,
+and niggers; though this Court never overseed in its life for less than
+eight hundred dollars. And this Court in hoss-racing was always
+naterally gifted; and this Court in running a quarter race whar the
+hosses was turned could allers turn a hoss so as to gain fifteen feet in
+a race; and on a certain occasion it was one of the conditions of the
+race that Kye Rodgers shouldn't turn narry of the hosses." Surely it
+must have been Old Kye who, upon taking his official seat for the first
+time, said: "If this Court know her duty, and she thinks she do, justice
+will walk over this track with her head and tail up."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+On a divorce case coming before a Western administrator of the law,
+Judge A. Smith, he thus addressed the plaintiff's counsel, who was
+awaiting the arrival of his opponent to open proceedings. "I don't
+think people ought to be compelled to live together when they don't want
+to do so. I will decree a divorce in this case." Thereupon they were
+declared to be no longer man and wife. At this juncture the defendant's
+counsel entered the Court and expressed surprise that the judge had not
+at least heard one side of the case, much less both sides, and protested
+against such over-hasty proceedings. But to all his protestations the
+judge turned a deaf ear; only informing him that no objections could now
+be raised after decree had been pronounced. "But," he added, "if you
+want to argue the case 'right bad,' the Court will marry the couple
+again, and you can then have your say out."
+
+Breach of promise cases generally afford plenty of amusement to the
+public, both in the United States and Great Britain, but it is only in
+early American Courts that we hear of a judge adding to the hilarity by
+congratulating the successful party to the suit. A young American belle
+sued her faithless sweetheart, and claimed damages laid at one hundred
+dollars. The defendant pleaded that after an intimate acquaintance with
+the family, he found it was impossible to live comfortably with his
+intended mother-in-law, who was to take up residence with her daughter
+after the marriage, and he refused to fulfil his promise. "Would you
+rather live with your mother-in-law, or pay _two hundred_ dollars?"
+inquired the judge. "Pay two hundred dollars," was the prompt reply.
+Said the judge: "Young man, let me shake hands with you. There was a
+time in my life when I was in the same situation as you are in now. Had
+I possessed your firmness, I should have been spared twenty-five years
+of trouble. I had the alternative of marrying or paying a hundred and
+twenty-five dollars. Being poor, I married; and for twenty-five years
+have I regretted it. I am happy to meet with a man of your stamp. The
+plaintiff must pay ten dollars and costs for having thought of putting a
+gentleman under the dominion of a mother-in-law."
+
+The charms of the female sex were more susceptible to the Iowa judge
+than to his brother of the former story. This worthy refused to fine a
+man for kissing a young lady against her will, because the complainant
+was so pretty that "nothing but the Court's overwhelming sense of
+dignity prevented the Court from kissing her itself."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"A fellow-feeling makes one wondrous kind," wrote Garrick, and something
+of this nature must have actuated Judge Bela Brown in a case in a
+Circuit Court of Georgia. The judge was an able lawyer, and right good
+boon companion among his legal friends. The night before the Court
+opened he joined the Circuit barristers at a tavern kept by one Sterrit,
+where the company enjoyed themselves "not wisely, but too well." Next
+morning the judge was greatly perturbed to find a quantity of silver
+spoons in his pocket, which had been placed there by a wag of the
+company as the judge left the tavern the night before. "Was I tipsy when
+I came home last night?" timidly asked the judge of his wife. "Yes,"
+said she; "you know your habits when you get among your lawyer
+friends."--"Well," responded the judge, "that fellow keeps the meanest
+liquor in the States; but I never thought it was so bad as to induce a
+man to steal."
+
+Before the close of the Court a man was arraigned for larceny, who
+pleaded guilty, but put forward the extenuating circumstance that he was
+drunk and didn't know what he was doing. "What is the nature of the
+charge," asked Judge Brown. "Stealing money from Sterrit's till,"
+replied the clerk. "Are you sure you were tipsy when you took this
+money?"--"Yes, your honour; when I went out of doors the ground kept
+coming up and hitting me on the head."--"That will do. Did you get all
+your liquor at Sterrit's?"--"Every drop, sir." Turning to the
+prosecuting attorney the judge said, "You will do me the favour of
+entering a _nolle prosequi_; that liquor of Sterrit's I have reason to
+know is enough to make a man do anything dirty. I got tipsy on it myself
+the other night and stole all his spoons. If Sterrit will sell such
+abominable stuff he ought not to have the protection of this Court--Mr.
+Sheriff, you may release the prisoner."
+
+The judge of a Court in Nevada dealt differently with a man who, charged
+with intoxication, thought to gain acquittal by a whimsical treatment of
+his offence. On being asked whether he was rightly or wrongly charged he
+pleaded, "Not guilty, your honour. Sunstroke!"--"Sunstroke?" queried
+Judge Cox. "Yes, sir; the regular New York variety."--"You've had
+sunstroke a good deal in your time, I believe?"--"Yes, your honour; but
+this last attack was most severe."--"Does sunstroke make you rush
+through the streets offering to fight the town?"--"That's the effect
+precisely."--"And makes you throw brickbats at people?"--"That's it,
+judge. I see you understand the symptoms, and agree with the best
+recognised authorities, who hold it inflames the organs of combativeness
+and destructiveness. When a man of my temperament gets a good square
+sunstroke he's liable to do almost anything."--"Yes; you are quite
+right--liable to go to jail for fifteen days. You'll go down with the
+policeman at once." With that observation the conversation naturally
+closed, and the victim of so-called sunstroke "went down."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Sheriff, remove the prisoner's hat," said a judge in the Court of
+Keatingville, Montana, when he noticed that the culprit before him had
+neglected to do so. The sheriff obeyed instructions by knocking off the
+hat with his rifle. The prisoner picked it up, and clapping it on his
+head again, shouted, "I am bald, judge." Once more it was "removed" by
+the sheriff, while the indignant judge rose and said, "I fine you five
+dollars for contempt of Court--to be committed until the fine is paid."
+The offender approached the judge, and laying down half a dollar
+remarked, "Your sentence, judge, is most ungentlemanly; but the law is
+imperative and I will have to stand it; so here is half a dollar, and
+the four dollars and a half you owed me when we stopped playing poker
+this morning makes us square."
+
+The card-playing administrator of law must have felt as small as his
+brother-judge who priced a cow at an Arkansas cattle-market. Seeing one
+that took his fancy he asked the farmer what he wanted for her. "Thirty
+dollars, and she'll give you five quarts of milk if you feed her well,"
+said the farmer. "Why," quoth the judge, "I have cows not much more than
+half her size which give twenty quarts of milk a day." The farmer eyed
+the would-be purchaser of the cow very hard, as if trying to remember if
+he had met him before, and then inquired where he lived. "My home is in
+Iowa," replied the judge. "Yes, stranger, I don't dispute it. There were
+heaps of soldiers from Iowa down here during the war, and they were the
+worst liars in the whole Yankee army. Maybe you were an officer in one
+of them regiments." Then the judge returned to his Court duties.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Judge Kiah Rodgers already figures in a story, and here we give his
+address to a delinquent when he presided at a Court in Louisiana.
+"Prisoner, stand up! Mr. Kettles, this Court is under the painful
+necessity of passing sentence of the law upon you. This Court has no
+doubt, Mr. Kettles, but what you were brought into this scrape by the
+use of intoxicating liquors. The friends of this Court all know that if
+there is any vice this Court abhors it is intoxication. When this Court
+was a young man, Mr. Kettles, it was considerably inclined to drink, and
+the friends of this Court know that this Court has naterally a very high
+temper; and if this Court had not stopped short off, I have no doubt,
+sir, but what this Court, sir, would have been in the penitentiary or in
+its grave."
+
+There was a strong sense of duty to humanity, as well as seeing justice
+carried out, in the Californian sheriff after an interview with a
+self-confessed murderer, who desired to be sent to New York to be tried,
+when he addressed the prisoner: "So your conscience ain't easy, and you
+want to be hanged?" said the sheriff. "Well, my friend, the county
+treasury ain't well fixed at present, and I don't want to take any
+risks, in case you're not the man, and are just fishing for a free
+ride. Besides, those New York Courts can't be trusted to hang a man. As
+you say, you deserve to be killed, and your conscience won't be easy
+till you are killed, and as it can't make any difference to you or to
+society how you are killed, I guess I'll do the job myself!" and his
+hand moved to his pocket; but before he could pull out the revolver and
+level it at the murderer, that conscience-stricken individual was down
+the road and out of killing distance.
+
+Like the sailor who objected to his captain undertaking the double duty
+of flogging and preaching, prisoners do not appreciate the judge who
+delivers sentence upon them and at the same time admonishes them in a
+long speech. After being sentenced a Californian prisoner was thus
+reproached by a judge for his lack of ambition:
+
+"Where is it, sir? Where is it? Did you ever hear of Cicero taking free
+lunches? Did you ever hear that Plato gamboled through the alleys of
+Athens? Did you ever hear Demosthenes accused of sleeping under a
+coal-shed? If you would be a Plato, there would be a fire in your eye;
+your hair would have an intellectual cut; you'd step into a clean shirt;
+and you'd hire a mowing-machine to pare those finger-nails. You have got
+to go up for four months!"
+
+In conclusion we return to the jury-box of a New York Court for the
+story of a well-known character who frequently was called to act along
+with other good men and true. As soon as they had retired to deliberate
+on the evidence they had heard, he would button up his coat and "turn
+in" on a bench, exclaiming, "Gentlemen, I'm for bringing in a verdict
+for the plaintiff (or the defendant, as he had settled in his mind), and
+all Creation can't move me. Therefore as soon as you have all agreed
+with me, wake me up and we'll go in."
+
+
+
+
+L'ENVOI
+
+
+    "THE TASK IS ENDED, AND ASIDE WE FLING
+    THE MUSTY BOOKS TIED UP WITH LEGAL STRING;
+    AND SO GOOD NIGHT, SINCE WE OUR SAY HAVE SAID,
+    SHUT UP THE VOLUME AND PROCEED TO BED;
+    AND DREAM, DEAR READER, OF A FUTURE, WHEN
+    A LAWYER MAY SHAKE HANDS WITH YOU AGAIN."
+
+    WILLOCK: _Legal Faceti�_.
+
+
+
+
+INDEX
+
+
+     Abbot, Mr. Justice, 43
+
+     Abinger, Lord, 35, 36, 42
+
+     Adam, H. L., 80, 101
+
+     Adams, Serjeant, 85
+
+     Adolphus, John, 76
+
+     Alderson, Baron, 45
+
+     Alemoor, Lord, 156
+
+     Allen, Serjeant, 68
+
+     Alverstone, Lord, 62
+
+     Andrews, W., 26, 99
+
+     Anne, Queen, 107, 159
+
+     Archibald, Mr. Justice, 94
+
+     Ardwall, Lord, 193, 212
+
+     Arnot, Hugo, 201, 203
+
+     Atkinson, Mrs., 90
+
+     Auchinleck, Lord, 155
+
+     Avonmore, Lord, 119-122, 131, 133
+
+     Avory, Lord, 62, 63
+
+
+     Bacon, Lord, 68
+
+     Bacon, Sir Nicholas, 5
+
+     Bacon, Vice-Chancellor, 38, 54
+
+     Baird, Mr., of Cambusdoon, 192
+
+     Baldwin, Mr., 83
+
+     Balfour, Sheriff, 209
+
+     Ballantine, Serjeant, 81, 88
+
+     Balmuto, Lord, 201
+
+     Bannatyne, Lord, 165
+
+     Barjarg, Lord, 156
+
+     Bell, Abigail, 234
+
+     Bethel, I. B., 136
+
+     Birrell, Augustine, 89
+
+     Blair, Lord President, 170
+
+     Blair, Thomas W., 159
+
+     Boswell, James, 155, 165
+
+     Bowen, Lord, 53, 54
+
+     Boyd, Judge, 135
+
+     Boyle, Lord Justice-Clerk, 175
+
+     Braxfield, Lord, 155, 182, 183, 200
+
+     Brocklesby, Dr., 15
+
+     Brougham, Lord, 17, 39-43, 117, 188, 205
+
+     Brown, Judge Bela, 243
+
+     Buchan, Earl of, 27, 202
+
+     Bullen, Edward, 85
+
+     Burrowes, Peter, 145
+
+     Burrows, Sir James, 9
+
+     Bushe, Charles K., 118, 122, 138
+
+     Butler, Sir Toby, 127
+
+     Byles, Mr. Justice, 49
+
+     Byron, Lord, 224
+
+
+     Campbell, Lord John, 13, 25, 34, 35, 41-44, 76, 86
+
+     Campbell, Lord President, 181
+
+     Carleton, Chief Justice, 112
+
+     Carleton, Lady, 112
+
+     Chambers, Montague, 77
+
+     Charles II, 6, 68
+
+     Chelmsford, Lord, 46
+
+     Chitty, Lord Justice, 38
+
+     Choate, Rufus, 234-236
+
+     Clare, Lord, 132
+
+     Clarke, George, minstrel, 97
+
+     Clarke, Thomas, 75, 76
+
+     Clonmel, Earl of, 109, 110
+
+     Coalston, Lord, 156
+
+     Cockburn, Lord, 171, 173, 174, 175, 185-187, 215
+
+     Cockburn, Sir Alexander, 46, 47, 55-57
+
+     Cockle, Serjeant, 100, 101
+
+     Coleridge, Lord, 51, 52
+
+     Collins, Stephen, Q.C., 140, 141
+
+     Colman, George, 79
+
+     Colquhoun, Sir James, 202
+
+     Connor, John, 143
+
+     Cooke, Tom, 36
+
+     Cottenham, Lord Chancellor, 42
+
+     Coutts, Thomas, 159
+
+     Covington, Lord, 155
+
+     Cox, Judge, 245
+
+     Crabtree, Jesse, 79
+
+     Cranworth, Lord, 35
+
+     Cringletie, Lord, 170
+
+     Crispe, Thomas E., 94
+
+     Crosbie, Andrew, 205
+
+     Cunningham, Lord, 206
+
+     Curran, J. P., 109, 113, 120, 121, 127-134
+
+
+     Danckwerts, Mr., Q.C., 59
+
+     Darling, Mr. Justice, 3, 4, 58-60
+
+     Davenport, Sir Thomas, 12
+
+     Davy, Serjeant, 70, 71
+
+     Deas, Lord, 177
+
+     Denman, Lord, 72, 73
+
+     Dewar, Lord, 51
+
+     Dirleton, Lord, 153
+
+     Douglas, Alexander, W.S., 188
+
+     Dowling, Judge, 240
+
+     Doyle, Mr., 121
+
+     Duke, Mr., K.C., 60
+
+     Dun, Lord, 159
+
+     Dundas, Henry (Lord Melville), 157, 200
+       Robert, first Lord President, 156, 158
+       ---- second Lord President, 204
+
+     Dunning, Serjeant, 17, 73, 74
+
+
+     Egan, John, Q.C., 131, 134
+
+     Egerton, Master of Rolls, 6
+
+     Eldin, Lord, 164, 167-171
+
+     Eldon, Earl of, 10-12, 17-19, 167, 171, 179
+
+     Elizabeth, Queen, 68
+
+     Ellenborough, Lord, 20, 21
+
+     Elliock, Lord, 156
+
+     Erne, Lord, 114
+
+     Erskine, Henry, 27, 164, 199-202
+       John, of Carnoch, 157
+       ---- Lord, 27-31, 46
+
+     Esher, Lord, 54
+
+     Eskgrove, Lord, 155, 160, 161, 162, 164, 199
+
+     Evans, 228
+
+     Eve, Mr. Justice, 69
+
+
+     Fisher, Dr., 19
+
+     Fitton, Lord Chancellor, 127
+
+     Flood, Right Hon. H., 110
+
+     Forglen, Lord, 160
+
+     Fortesque, Lord, 8
+
+     Foster, Judge, 113
+
+     Fountainhall, Lord, 153, 154
+
+     Furton, Sir Thomas, 132
+
+
+     Gardenstone, Lord, 156
+
+     Garrick, David, 243
+
+     George III, 19, 24
+
+     Gillespie, Rev. Dr., 238
+
+     Gillon, Joseph, W.S., 219
+
+     Glengarry, 161
+
+     Gould, Mr. Justice, 22, 30, 60, 71
+
+     Grady, H. D., 135-136
+
+     Graham, Baron, 34
+
+     Grantham, Mr. Justice, 58
+
+     Guildford, Lord, 68
+
+     Guthrie, Lord, 193
+
+
+     Hailes, Lord, 156
+
+     Halkerston, Lord, 163
+
+     Halligan, Denis, 113, 114
+
+     Hardwicke, Lord, 8
+
+     Harper, Sheriff, 206
+
+     Harris, Billy, 111
+
+     Hatton, Lord Chancellor, 5
+
+     Haweis, Rev. H. R., 223
+
+     Hawkins, Sir Henry (Lord Brampton), 54-57
+
+     Hayward, Mr., 132
+
+     Healy, Tim, 146, 147
+
+     Henderson, Sir John, 161
+
+     Henn, Chief Baron, 111
+       Jonathan, 111, 112
+       William, Judge, 111
+
+     Henry VIII, 4
+
+     Henry, Patrick, 224
+
+     Hermand, Lord, 165, 174, 176, 179-181
+
+     Herrick, Mr., 141
+
+     Hill, Serjeant, 69, 70
+
+     Holmes, Mr., 138
+
+     Holroyd, Chief Justice, 38
+
+     Holt, Lord Justice, 37
+
+     Hook, John, 224
+
+     Horne, Mr., Dean of Faculty, 193
+
+     Horner, Mr., 183
+
+     Hyde, Edward (Lord Campden), 7
+
+
+     Jackson, Sheriff Officer, 116
+
+     James, Edwin, 85, 86
+
+     James V, 153
+
+     Jeffrey, Lord, 172, 187
+
+     Jeffreys, Judge, 7
+
+     Jekyll, Serjeant, 79, 80
+
+
+     Kames, Lord, 5, 156, 165, 166
+
+     Keating, Mr. Justice, 61, 68
+
+     Keller, Jerry, 139
+
+     Kennedy, Mrs., 52
+
+     Kennet, Lord, 158
+
+     Kenyon, Lord, 10-12, 22-24
+
+     Kilkerran, Lord, 163
+
+     Kingston, Duchess of, 13
+
+     Knight-Bruce, Lord Justice, 47, 48
+
+
+     Labron, John, 39
+
+     Landseer, Sir Edwin, 81
+
+     Lawrence, Sir Thomas, 85
+
+     Lawson, Mr. Justice, 123
+
+     Lee, Jack, 77
+
+     Leeds, Duke of, 46
+
+     Lees, Richard, 206
+
+     Lifford, Lord Chancellor, 110
+
+     Lockwood, Sir Frank, 89, 92
+
+     Logan, Sheriff, 206
+
+     Lysaght, Edward, 136, 137
+
+
+     M'Cormick, Samuel, 175
+
+     Macdonald, Chief Baron, 34
+
+     Macklin, Actor, 128
+
+     Maclaren, Lord, 194
+
+     MacMahon, Serjeant, 145
+
+     Mahaffy, Ninian, 140, 141
+
+     Mair, Ludovick, 208
+
+     Maloney, Mr., 130
+
+     Manners, Lord Chancellor, 141
+
+     Mansfield, Earl of, 14-16, 74, 205
+
+     Margarot, 183
+
+     Martin, Baron, 44, 45, 81
+
+     Maule, Mr. Justice, 31-34
+
+     Meadowbank, Lord (first), 159
+
+     Meadowbank, Lord (second), 164, 169, 179
+
+     Mellor, Mr., 91, 92
+
+     Miller, Sir Thomas, 157
+
+     Millicent, Sir John, 6
+
+     Milton, Lord, 159
+
+     Missing, Serjeant, 75
+
+     Mitchell, John, 112
+
+     Monboddo, Lord, 153, 157
+
+     Moncreiff, Lord, 175, 183, 184
+       Rev. Sir Henry Wellwood, 175
+       Lord Justice-Clerk, 211
+
+     Moore, Frankfort, 123
+
+     Moore, Judge, 112
+
+     More, Sir Thomas, 4, 5
+
+     Muir, Mr., 82
+
+     Murphy, Mr., gaoler, 117
+
+
+     Nagle, Mr., 127
+
+     Nangle, Mr., 107, 108, 109
+
+     Nares, Mr. Justice, 27
+
+     Newhall, Lord, 160
+
+     Newton, Lord, 171-173
+
+     Norbury, Lord, 114-117, 132, 133, 145
+
+     Norfolk, Duke of, 19
+
+
+     O'Connell, Daniel, 117, 141-144
+
+     O'Flanagan, F. R., 107, 137
+
+     O'Gorman, Mr., 139, 140
+
+     O'Grady, Chief Baron, 117-119
+
+     Orton, Arthur, 55
+
+     Oswald, Francis, 95, 96
+
+
+     Page, Mr. Justice, 22
+
+     Parker, Chief Baron, 15
+
+     Parry, Serjeant, 93, 101
+
+     Parsons, Chief Justice, 223, 224
+
+     Parsons, Commissioner, 144, 145
+
+     Patteson, Mr. Justice, 61
+
+     Peat, Mr., 80
+
+     Petigru, Mr., 231
+
+     Phillimore, Sir Walter, 57
+
+     Phillips, Charles, 54
+
+     Phillips, 123, 128
+
+     Phipps, Lord Chancellor, 107
+
+     Pigot, Chief Baron, 141
+
+     Pinckney, Judge W. M., 230
+
+     Pitfour, Lord, 158
+
+     Pitmilly, Lord, 174
+
+     Plowden, Mr., 55
+
+     Plunket, Lord, 122, 123, 138
+
+     Polkemmet, Lord, 155, 163, 164
+
+     Powis, Mr. Justice, 8
+
+     Pratt, Sir John, Lord Justice, 9
+
+     Prime, Serjeant, 26, 72
+
+     Pritchard, Mary, 77
+
+     Pyne, Chief Justice, 107, 108
+
+
+     Queensberry, Duke of, 29
+
+
+     Raine, Mr., 100
+
+     Redsdale, Lord Chancellor, 140
+
+     Reid, David, 159, 160
+
+     Ribton, Mr., Q.C., 50
+
+     Robertson, Patrick, Lord, 188
+
+     Roche, Sir Boyle, 133
+
+     Rodgers, Judge K., 241, 247
+
+     Romilly, Lord, 89
+
+     Rose, Sir George, 18
+
+     Ross, Charles, 159
+
+     Russell, Lord John, 42
+
+     Russell, Lord, of Killowen, 51
+
+     Rutherford, Lord, 189
+
+     Rutland, Earl of, 4
+
+     Ryder, Chief Justice, 9
+
+
+     Scarlett, Miss, 43
+
+     Scott, James, Q.C., 137
+
+     Scott, Sir Walter, 160, 199, 219
+
+     Shaftesbury, Lord, 6
+
+     Shand, Lord, 190, 191, 193
+
+     Shee, Mr., Q.C., 51
+
+     Sinclair, Sir John, 30
+
+     Sleigh, Warner, 83
+
+     Smith, Judge A., 241
+
+     Smith, F. E., 95
+
+     Speer, Judge Emery, 229
+
+     Stanley, Lord, 41
+
+     Stonefield, Lord, 157, 185
+
+     Strichen, Lord, 156
+
+     Sugden, Sir Edward, 39
+
+     Sullivan, Mr., 223
+
+     Sumner, Mr., 234
+
+     Swinton, Lord, 200
+
+
+     Taylor, Senator, 230
+
+     Tenterden, Lord, 25
+
+     Thomas, Serjeant, 73
+
+     Thomson, Baron, 34
+
+     Thorpe, W. G., 86
+
+     Thurlow, Lord, 10-13, 19, 20
+
+     Townshend, Lord, 110
+
+     Tunstal, Dr., 77
+
+
+     Warren, Samuel, 46, 83
+
+     Wauchope, Mr., of Niddrie, 186
+
+     Webster, Daniel, 227, 228
+
+     Wedderburn, Alexander (Lord Roslin), 7
+
+     Weldon, Mrs., 54
+
+     Weller, Mr., 107, 108
+
+     Westbury, Lord, 34, 35, 47
+
+     Wharton, Mr., 94
+
+     Whigham, Mr., 79
+
+     Wight, Alexander, 155
+
+     Wightman, Mr. Justice, 50
+
+     Wilkins, Serjeant, 6, 72, 73
+
+     Willes, Mr. Justice, 21, 49, 78
+
+     Williams, Montague, 49, 88
+
+     Wills, Mr. Justice, 38
+
+     Wirt, William, 227, 228
+
+
+     Yorke, Edward (Lord Hardewicke), 8
+
+     Young, Lord, 191-193
+
+
+
+
+SOME SCOTTISH BOOKS
+
+
+BOOK of EDINBURGH ANECDOTE
+
+By FRANCIS WATT. The stories in "The Book of Edinburgh Anecdote," good
+in themselves, illustrate in an interesting way bygone times. The
+heroics and the follies, the greatness and the littleness, the wit and
+humour of famous or even infamous citizens are presented in a lively
+manner. Even to those who know much about Edinburgh much will be fresh,
+for the material has been gathered from many and various, and not seldom
+obscure, sources. With thirty-two portraits in collotype and
+frontispiece in colour. 312 pp. Buckram, 5/- net; Leather, 7/6 net.
+
+
+BOOK of GLASGOW ANECDOTE
+
+By D. MACLEOD MALLOCH. This book is a storehouse of information
+regarding Glasgow, and is full of interesting and amusing stories of
+Church, University, medical, legal, municipal, and commercial life. No
+such collection of Glasgow anecdotes has hitherto appeared in any single
+volume; and their interest is such that this book should appeal not only
+to Glasgow people, but also to all who can appreciate good stories of
+professional and commercial life, and stories illustrative of Scottish
+character. With frontispiece in colour and thirty-five portraits in
+collotype. 400 pp. Buckram, 5/- net; Leather, 7/6 net.
+
+
+MARY QUEEN OF SCOTS
+
+By HILDA T. SKAE. This volume contains a compact account of the life of
+one of the most romantic figures in Scottish history. It contains
+sixteen illustrations in colour besides many portraits, and merely to
+turn them over is to gain a more living and reliable idea of the course
+of her tragic life, and of the characters of those who surrounded her,
+than the most careful of historical descriptions. The very actors and
+actresses move before the reader's eyes; and their stories, ceasing to
+be distant traditions, are seen to concern the movements, hesitations,
+half-hopes, and human impulses of people strangely like ourselves. 224
+pp. Buckram, 5/- net; Velvet Persian, 7/6 net.
+
+
+R. L. STEVENSON: MEMORIES
+
+Being twenty-five illustrations, reproduced from photographs, of Robert
+Louis Stevenson, his homes and his haunts, many of these reproduced for
+the first time. A booklet for every Stevenson lover. In Japon vellum
+covers, 1/- net; bound in Japanese vellum, with illustrations mounted,
+2/6 net.
+
+
+T�N�FOULIS�PUBLISHER
+
+
+
+
+BOOKS TO ENTERTAIN
+
+
+THE LIGHTER SIDE OF IRISH LIFE
+
+By GEORGE A. BIRMINGHAM. Its title suggests unbridled jocularity--and it
+is in fact full of inimitable fun; but there is a basis of solid thought
+and sympathy to all the mirth. While replenishing the common stock of
+Irish stories, Mr Birmingham adjusts our conception of the race. Mr
+Kerr's sixteen illustrations in colour form a gallery of genre studies,
+sympathetic and yet sincere, that allows us to look with our own eyes
+upon Ireland as she really is to-day. 288 pp. Buckram, 5/- net. Velvet
+Persian, 7/6 net.
+
+
+IRISH LIFE & CHARACTER
+
+By Mrs S. C. HALL. "Tales of Irish Life" will remind the reader more of
+Lever or Sam Lover than of "Lavengro." It is effervescent and audacious,
+ringing with all the fun of the fair, and spiced with the constant
+presence of a vivacious and irresistible personality. The sixteen
+illustrations by Erskine Nicol are in precisely the same vein, matching
+Mrs Hall's sketches so manifestly that it is strange they have never
+been united before. To look at them is to laugh. 330 pp. Buckram,
+5/- net. Velvet Persian, 7/6 net.
+
+
+LORD COCKBURN'S MEMORIALS
+
+"This volume," says _The Saturday Review_, "is one of the most
+entertaining books a reader could lay his hands on." "The book," says
+_The Edinburgh Review_, "is one of the pleasantest fireside volumes that
+has ever been published." Cockburn's pen could tell a tale as well as
+his tongue, and to read this book is to sit, unobserved, at that
+immortal Round Table, with anecdote and reminiscence in full tide. With
+twelve portraits in colour by Sir Henry Raeburn, and other
+illustrations. Extra Crown 8vo. 480 pp. Buckram, 6/- net.
+
+
+AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF CARLYLE OF INVERESK (1722-1805)
+
+Edited by J. HILL BURTON. "He was the grandest demi-god I ever saw,"
+wrote Sir Walter Scott of the author of this book. But, as these Memoirs
+show, he was a demi-god with a very human heart,--or, at any rate, a
+"divine" with a thorough knowledge of the world. It was probably these
+qualities that made him such a prominent figure in his day, and it is
+certainly these that give his Recollections their unique importance and
+raciness. They provide "by far the most vivid picture of Scottish life
+and manners that has been given to the world since Scott's day." This
+edition has been equipped with a series of thirty-six portraits
+reproduced in photogravure of the chief personages who move in its
+pages. 612 pp. Buckram, 6/- net.
+
+
+T�N�FOULIS�PUBLISHER
+
+
+
+
+SOME ENGLISH BOOKS
+
+
+THE ENGLISH CHARACTER
+
+By SPENCER LEIGH HUGHES, M.P., _Sub-Rosa_ of the _Daily News and
+Leader_. Although his pen has probably covered more pages than Balzac's,
+this is the first time _Sub-Rosa_ has really "turned author." The charm
+and penetration of the result suggest that his readers will never allow
+him to turn back again. He is a born essayist, but he has, in addition,
+the breadth and generosity that journalism alone can give a man. The
+combination gives a kind of golden gossip--criticism without acrimony,
+fooling without folly. The work contains sixteen pictures in colour of
+English types by Frederick Gardner. 300 pp. Buckram, 5/- net. Leather,
+7/6 net.
+
+
+ENGLISH COUNTRY LIFE
+
+By WALTER RAYMOND. Mr Raymond is our modern Gilbert White; and many of
+the chapters have a thread of whimsical drama and delicious humour which
+will remind the reader of "The Window in Thrums." It is a book of
+happiness and peace. It is as fragrant as lavender or new-mown hay, and
+as wholesome as curds and cream. With sixteen illustrations in colour by
+Wilfrid Ball, R. E. 462 pp. Buckram, 5/- net. Leather, 7/6 net.
+
+
+ENGLISH LIFE & CHARACTER
+
+By MARY MITFORD. Done with a delicate Dutch fidelity, these little prose
+pastorals of Miss Mitford's would live were they purely imaginary--so
+perfect is their finish, so tender and joyous their touch. But they
+have, in addition, the virtue of being entirely faithful pictures of
+English village life as it was at the time they were written. With
+sixteen illustrations in colour by Stanhope Forbes, R.A. 350 pp.
+Buckram, 5/- net. Leather, 7/6 net.
+
+
+THE RIVER OF LONDON
+
+By HILAIRE BELLOC. Everybody who has read the "Path to Rome" will learn
+with gladness that Mr Hilaire Belloc has written another book in the
+same sunny temper, dealing with the oldest highway in Britain. It is a
+subject that brings into play all those high faculties which make Mr
+Belloc the most genuine man of letters now alive. The record of the
+journey makes one of the most exhilarating books of our time, and the
+series of Mr Muirhead's sixteen pictures painted for this book sets the
+glittering river itself flowing swiftly past before the eye. 200 pp.
+Buckram, 5/- net. Leather, 7/6 net.
+
+
+T�N�FOULIS�PUBLISHER
+
+
+
+
+SOME LITERARY BOOKS
+
+
+THE DICKENS ORIGINALS
+
+By EDWIN PUGH. A very large proportion of Dickens' characters had their
+living prototypes among his contemporaries and acquaintances. In this
+book the author has traced these prototypes, has made original
+researches resulting in the discovery of several new and hitherto
+unsuspected identities, and has given particulars of all of them. With
+thirty portraits of "originals." Extra Cr. 8vo, 400 pp. 6/- net. A book
+for every Dickens lover.
+
+
+THE R. L. STEVENSON ORIGINALS
+
+By E. BLANTYRE SIMPSON. The author has an unequalled knowledge of the
+fortunate Edinburgh circle who knew their R.L.S. long before the rest of
+the world; and she has been enabled to collect a volume of fresh
+_Stevensoniana_, of unrecorded adventures and personal reminiscences,
+which will prove inestimably precious to all lovers of the man and his
+work. The illustrations are of peculiar importance as the publisher has
+been privileged to reproduce a series of portraits and pictures of the
+rarest interest to accompany the text. Four portraits in colour,
+twenty-five in collotype and several letters in facsimile. Extra Cr.
+8vo, 260 pp. Buckram, 6/- net.
+
+
+THE SCOTT ORIGINALS
+
+By W. S. CROCKETT. The actual drovers and dominies, ladies and lairds,
+whom Sir Walter used as his models, figure here, living their own richly
+characteristic and romantic lives with unabated picturesqueness. Mr
+Crockett's identifications are all based on strict evidence, the result
+is that we are given a kind of flowing sequel to the novels, containing
+situations, dialogues, anecdotes, and adventures not included in the
+books. The forty-four illustrations comprise many contemporary
+portraits, including Baron Bradwardine, Pleydell, Davie Gellatley, Hugh
+Redgauntlet, Dugald Dalgetty, and others. 448 pp. Buckram, 6/- net.
+
+
+THE FOOTSTEPS OF SCOTT
+
+By W. S. CROCKETT. Now that Mr Andrew Lang has left us, Mr Crockett has
+probably no equal in his knowledge of the Border country and its
+literature, or in his affectionate acquaintance with the life of Sir
+Walter. The illustrations are from water-colours specially painted by
+Tom Scott, R.S.A. They show his art at its best. 230 pp. Buckram, 3/6
+net.
+
+
+T�N�FOULIS�PUBLISHER
+
+
+
+
+SOME SCOTTISH BOOKS
+
+
+THE KIRK & ITS WORTHIES
+
+By NICHOLAS DICKSON and D. MACLEOD MALLOCH. Our Scottish kirk has a
+great reputation for dourness--but it has probably kindled more humour
+than it ever quenched. The pulpits have inevitably been filled by a race
+of men disproportionately rich in "characters," originals, worthies with
+a gift for pungent expression and every opportunity for developing it.
+There is a fund of good stories here which forms a worthy sequel to Dean
+Ramsay's Reminiscences and a living history of an old-world life. The
+illustrations consist of sixteen reproductions in colour of paintings by
+eminent Scottish artists. The frontispiece is the famous painting "The
+Ordination of Elders." 340 pp. Buckram, 5/- net; Leather, 7/6 net.
+
+
+SCOTTISH LIFE & CHARACTER
+
+By DEAN RAMSAY. The Reminiscences of Dean Ramsay are a kind of literary
+haggis; and no dish better deserves to be worthily served up. "Next to
+the Waverley Novels," says a chief authority, "it has done more than any
+other book to make Scottish customs, phrases, and traits of character
+familiar to Englishmen at home and abroad." Mr Henry W. Kerr's
+illustrations provide a fitting crown to the feast. These pictures of
+characteristic Scottish scenes and Scottish faces give colour to the
+pen-and-ink descriptions, and bring out the full flavour of the text.
+390 pp. Buckram, 5/- net; Leather, 7/6 net.
+
+
+ANNALS OF THE PARISH
+
+By JOHN GALT. The dry humour and whimsical sweetness of John Galt's
+masterpiece need no description at this time of day--it is one of those
+books, full of "the birr and sneddum that is the juice and flavour" of
+life itself, which, like good wines, are the better for long keeping. It
+was the first "kail-yard" to be planted in Scottish letters, and it is
+still the most fertile. The volume contains sixteen of Mr Kerr's
+water-colours, reproduced in colour. 316 pp. Buckram, 5/- net; Leather,
+7/6 net.
+
+
+MANSIE WAUCH
+
+By D. M. MOIR. This edition of the book, which has been designed as a
+companion volume to "The Annals," contains sixteen illustrations in
+colour by C. Martin Hardie, R.S.A. Moir was one of John Galt's chief
+friends, and, like a good comrade, he brought out a rival book. Its
+native blitheness and its racy use of the vernacular will always keep it
+alive. 360 pp. Buckram, 5/- net; Velvet Persian, 7/6 net.
+
+
+T�N�FOULIS�PUBLISHER
+
+
+
+
+PRESENTATION VOLUMES
+
+
+THE MASTER MUSICIANS
+
+By J. CUTHBERT HADDEN. A book for players, singers, and listeners, and
+although the work of an enthusiastic and discerning musician, it deals
+with the men rather than their compositions. There is an abundance of
+good anecdote, and personal foibles are not bowdlerised; but the
+author's taste is perfect and his attitude is frankly one of human
+sympathy. With fifteen illustrations. 320 pp. Buckram, 3/6 net. Velvet
+Persian and boxed, 5/- net.
+
+
+THE MASTER PAINTERS
+
+By STEWART DICK. Mr Dick's book is an attempt to compress the cardinal
+facts and episodes in the lives of the world's greatest painters into a
+series of swift dramatic chapters. The lives of the world's great
+artists are often more picturesque than their pictures. With many
+illustrations. 270 pp. Buckram, 3/6 net. Velvet Persian and boxed,
+5/- net.
+
+
+ARTS & CRAFTS OF OLD JAPAN
+
+By STEWART DICK. "We know of no book," says _The Literary World_, "that
+within such modest limits contrives to convey so much trustworthy
+information on Japanese art." The author and publisher have had the
+generous co-operation of many famous collectors, and the thirty
+illustrations include many exquisite reproductions of some of the most
+perfect kakemonos in Europe. Buckram, 5/- net.
+
+
+ARTS & CRAFTS OF ANCIENT EGYPT
+
+By Professor W. M. FLINDERS PETRIE. Containing one hundred and forty
+illustrations. Small quarto. 228 pp. Buckram, 5/- net. _Second edition_.
+"We cannot speak too highly of the book, so full and so conveniently
+displayed is the knowledge which it contains." _Westminster Gazette._
+
+
+THE WILD FLOWERS
+
+By J. L. CRAWFORD. This book forms a guide to the commoner wild flowers
+of the countryside. It treats flowers as living things. Its special
+charm resides in its sixteen illustrations, in colour, of some of the
+most delicate flower-studies ever painted by Mr Edwin Alexander: whose
+work in this kind is famous throughout Europe. 282 pp. Buckram, 5/- net;
+Velvet Persian, 7/6 net.
+
+
+T�N�FOULIS�PUBLISHER
+
+
+
+
+VOLUMES OF POEMS
+
+
+SONGS OF THE WORLD
+
+As arranged in the volume The Songs of Lady Nairne form a precious
+anthology of old favourites, a souvenir rich in special associations.
+The Foulis _Fergusson_ is illustrated in a new, and, it is thought, a
+welcome way. The result is a volume of rare completeness, with every
+detail as perfect and appropriate as careful thought could achieve. The
+cream of Hogg's poetry is in the third volume, which will appeal to all
+who are in search of a beautiful edition of the work of Scotland's
+famous peasant-poet. Each has illustrations in colour by well-known
+artists. In Boards, 2/6 net; Velvet Persian, 3/6 net.
+
+     1. SONGS OF LADY NAIRNE
+     2. THE SCOTS POEMS OF ROBERT FERGUSSON
+     3. SONGS & POEMS OF THE ETTRICK SHEPHERD
+
+
+SONGS & POEMS OF BURNS
+
+Complete edition, with introductory appreciation by The Earl of
+Rosebery. This edition is one of the most beautiful books ever produced
+in Scotland. It is printed on antique paper of special quality, with
+rubricated initials and spacious margins. The forty-six illustrations in
+colour are unique in their scope, being the work exclusively of the
+foremost Scottish artists. Readers, therefore, when they read the poems
+here will be enabled to see the characters created in words by one
+dreamer, taking graphic shape and form, in colour and line, in the
+responsive vision of another. The binding of the book is russet Scottish
+buckram; and it is specially worthy of notice in this instance that
+every detail is the work of Scottish craftsmen. Quarto, 660 pp. Printed
+in fine Rag paper, and bound in buckram, 10/6 net. Bound in the finest
+Vellum, 21/- net.
+
+
+POEMS OF ADAM LINDSAY GORDON
+
+Adam Lindsay Gordon is generally called the Byron of Australia. But he
+played far more parts than Byron, and crowded more genuine romance into
+his tragic life than even the sixth Baron of Rochdale. In "The Sick
+Stock Rider" he reproduces the colonial bush as keenly as Kipling
+reproduces India. His "How we Beat the Favourite" is the finest ballad
+of the turf in the language. He is, above everything, the sportsman's
+poet. This edition contains twelve stirring illustrations in colour by
+Captain G. D. Giles. 336 pages. Buckram, 5/- net. Bound in Velvet
+Persian, 7/6 net.
+
+
+T�N�FOULIS�PUBLISHER
+
+
+
+
+PRESENTATION VOLUMES
+
+
+FRIENDSHIP BOOKS
+
+Printed in two colours, and in attractive bindings, 2/6 net; bound in
+finest Velvet Persian, 3/6 net.
+
+Half-crown volumes designed specially to meet the requirements of
+book-lovers in search of appropriate yet distinctive souvenirs. Each
+volume has its own individuality in coloured illustrations and the
+effect is aristocratic and exclusive.
+
+     RUB�IY�T OF OMAR KHAYY�M
+     With eight illustrations in colour by F. BRANGWYN, R.A.
+
+     THE GIFT OF FRIENDSHIP
+     Illustrations in colour by H. C. PRESTON MACGOUN. 270 pp.
+
+     THE DREAM OF GERONTIUS
+     By CARDINAL NEWMAN. Illustrations by R. T. ROSE.
+
+     THE GIFT OF LOVE
+     The noblest passages in literature dealing with love. 156 pp.
+
+     SAPPHO, QUEEN OF SONG
+     A selection from her love poems by J. R. TUTIN.
+
+     AUCASSIN & NICOLETTE
+     With introduction by F. W. BOURDILLON.
+
+     THE CHARM OF LIFE
+     With illustrations by FREDERICK GARDNER.
+
+     THE BOOK OF GOOD FRIENDSHIP
+     With illus. by H. C. PRESTON MACGOUN, R.S.W. 132 pp.
+
+
+THE GARDEN LOVER'S BOOKS
+
+Printed in two colours, and in attractive bindings, 2/6 net; bound in
+finest Velvet Persian, 3/6 net. The appearance of these books alone
+confers distinction; ungrudging care has been lavished on their
+production from the choice of type to the colour of the silk markers.
+They make ideal gifts for anyone to whom gardens appeal.
+
+     A BOOK OF GARDENS
+     Illustrated by MARGARET H. WATERFIELD. 140 pp.
+
+     A BOOK OF OLD-WORLD GARDENS
+     With eight illus. in colour by BEATRICE PARSONS. 122 pp.
+
+     GARDEN MEMORIES
+     With eight illus. in colour by MARY G. W. WILSON. 120 pp.
+
+
+T�N�FOULIS�PUBLISHER
+
+
+
+
+ILLUSTRATED VOLUMES
+
+
+THE CITIES SERIES
+
+     In Japon vellum covers, 1/- net; bound in Japanese Vellum, with
+     illustrations mounted, 2/6 net.
+
+     1. A LITTLE BOOK OF LONDON
+        25 DRAWINGS BY JOSEPH PENNELL.
+
+     2. THE GREAT NEW YORK
+        24 DRAWINGS IN PHOTOGRAVURE BY JOSEPH PENNELL.
+
+        These reproductions of the 49 etchings in which he has
+        registered the aspect of contemporary London and New York
+        are among the most brilliant and incisive of Mr Pennell's
+        contributions to art.
+
+     3. THE CITY OF THE WEST
+        24 DRAWINGS IN PHOTOGRAVURE BY JESSIE M. KING.
+
+        Miss Jessie M. King's twenty-four drawings of its duskier
+        corners bring out an endearing side of the character of old
+        Glasgow.
+
+     4. THE GREY CITY OF THE NORTH
+        24 DRAWINGS BY JESSIE M. KING.
+
+        This collection of her work consists of a series of
+        portraits of the Old Town of Edinburgh, their haunting
+        delicacy and gnomish charm.
+
+     5. R. L. STEVENSON: MEMORIES
+
+        These twenty-five photographs from a private collection
+        depict R. L. S., his father, his mother, his wife, his old
+        nurse, his successive homes in Scotland and Samoa, the
+        cottage at Swanston where he spent his holidays as a boy as
+        well as that last resting-place on the summit of Vaea,
+        which the natives call the shrine of Tusitala.
+
+
+MANNERS & CUSTOMS OF YE ENGLYSHE
+
+49 drawings by Richard Doyle, with letterpress by Percival Leigh. By far
+the best of Doyle's drawings were those which appeared in "Punch" under
+the title of "Manners and Customs of Ye Englishe." His sense of humour
+was as sturdy as his draughtsmanship was delicate and the union is
+comedy exquisite.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE SERVILE STATE
+
+By HILAIRE BELLOC. The Servile State is a study of the tendency of
+modern legislation in industrial society and particularly in England not
+towards Socialism but towards the establishment of two legally separate
+classes, one a small class in possession of the means of production, the
+other a much larger class subjected to compulsory labour under the
+guarantee of a legal sufficiency to maintain themselves. The result of
+such an establishment and the forces working for and against it, as well
+as the remedies are fully discussed. 234 pp. Cr. 8vo Boards, 1/- net.
+Buckram, 2/6 net.
+
+
+T�N�FOULIS�PUBLISHER
+
+
+
+
+PRESENTATION VOLUMES
+
+
+NELL GWYN
+
+By CECIL CHESTERTON. The author has carried out the task entrusted to
+him with an admirable clearness and impartiality. The book is richly
+illustrated; the many portraits reflect the impudent, infamous,
+irresistible child-face in all its enchanting phases. Twenty
+illustrations--four in colour. 232 pp. Buckram, 5/- net. Velvet Persian
+and boxed, 7/6 net.
+
+
+LADY HAMILTON
+
+By E. HALLAM MOORHOUSE. "Out of all the vicissitudes of her
+extraordinary life she snatched one lasting triumph--her name spells
+beauty." The many fine portraits in this work demonstrate, as words can
+never do, that extraordinary nobility of temperament which was the main
+characteristic of Nelson's Cleopatra. Twenty-three illustrations--four
+in colour. 236 pp. Buckram, 5/- net. Velvet Persian and boxed, 7/6 net.
+
+
+MARIE ANTOINETTE
+
+By FRANCIS BICKLEY. A picturesque but restrained book. The illustrations
+are all reproductions of portraits. They prove, once more, the power
+which contemporary paintings have of making history intimate and real.
+Twenty illustrations--four in colour. 204 pp. Buckram, 5/- net. Velvet
+Persian and boxed, 7/6 net.
+
+
+PRINCE CHARLIE
+
+By WILLIAM POWER. It is curious to see how profoundly lives in
+themselves so ill-fated have the power to encourage and stimulate the
+reader. Few figures are more real than The Pretender's. His sufferings
+have been turned into songs and great stories; his old calamities are
+our present consolation. This volume contains reproduction in colour of
+sixteen Jacobite pictures and seven portraits in collotype. 200 pp. In
+Buckram, 5/- net; Velvet Persian, 7/6 net.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+RUB�IY�T OF OMAR KHAYY�M
+
+Illus. by FRANK BRANGWYN, R.A. The sumptuous virility of the artist's
+work is specially suitable for the purpose of sustaining and emphasising
+that element of lofty sensuousness of the whole impassioned song. With
+eight illustrations in colour. 120 pp. Buckram, 3/6 net. Velvet Persian
+and boxed, 5/- net.
+
+T�N�FOULIS�PUBLISHER
+
+
+
+
+SOME FOULIS BOOKLETS
+
+
+MAXIMS OF LIFE SERIES
+
+A set of miniature volumes, exquisitely produced, designed to hold the
+essence of the wisdom of some of the world's keenest intelligences. The
+_Napoleon_ volume, for instance, thus contains the essential creed of
+the man who towered above his time like a Colossus. That of _Madame de
+S�vign�_, again, holds the attar of an intellect that dazzled the most
+brilliant court of France. In the _La Rochefoucauld_ is the essence of
+the worldly wisdom of one of the cleverest judges of men and things. And
+the _George Sand_ preserves the private philosophy which a passionate
+woman slowly distilled as she made her stormy pilgrimage through life.
+Each of these volumes, which contain illustrations in line and colour,
+is a slender casket of jewels. In decorative wrapper, 6d. net. Bound in
+Velvet Persian Yapp, 1/- net; also in Japon Vellum, 1/- net. 120 pp.
+
+     1. NAPOLEON
+     2. MADAME DE S�VIGN�
+     3. LA ROCHEFOUCAULD
+     4. GEORGE SAND
+     5. NIETZSCHE
+
+
+LES PETITS LIVRES D'OR
+
+The minted gold of French verse and prose has been packed away here and
+there are few of the French wits and poets whose works have not been
+rifled for these charming booklets. Not even in Paris, the home of
+_chic_, has anything of the sort been seen before. In designed covers,
+each illustrated in colour, 6d. net. In Velvet Persian, 1/- net.
+
+     1. UN PETIT LIVRE D'AMOUR
+     2. UN PETIT LIVRE D'AMITI�
+     3. UN PETIT LIVRE DE SAGESSE
+     4. AUCASSIN ET NICOLETTE
+
+
+DIE ROSEN VOM PARNASS
+
+These are the German equivalents of the Foulis French _petits_, and,
+like the latter, they have created a small _furore_ on the Continent.
+The delicately reproduced "full-page" illustrations are, once more, the
+work of some of the most distinguished Scottish and English painters. In
+designed covers, each illustrated in colour, 6d. net. In Velvet Persian,
+1/- net.
+
+     1. LIEDER VON HEINE
+     2. DEUTSCHE LIEBESLIEDER
+     3. FREUNDSCHAFTSLIEDER
+     4. WANDERLIEDER
+
+
+T�N�FOULIS�PUBLISHER
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber's Note:
+
+Illustration captions have been moved slightly to coincide with the
+mention of the person named in the caption.
+
+The following special characters appear in the text:
+    [)a] a breve
+    [=a] a macron
+
+This book includes a lot of dialect, which often looks misspelled but
+was intentionally written that way. Therefore, some irregularities that
+might be errors have not been corrected in order to preserve author
+intent. Name variants (mostly occurring in the index) also have not been
+corrected. However, obvious errors have been corrected, and punctuation
+has been standardized.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Law and Laughter, by 
+George Alexander Morton and Donald Macleod Malloch
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LAW AND LAUGHTER ***
+
+***** This file should be named 30003-8.txt or 30003-8.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
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+      The Project Gutenberg eBook of Law and Laughter, by George A. Morton and D. Macleod Malloch.
+    </title>
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+.pagenum { /* uncomment the next line for invisible page numbers */
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+
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+
+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Law and Laughter, by 
+George Alexander Morton and Donald Macleod Malloch
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Law and Laughter
+
+Author: George Alexander Morton
+        Donald Macleod Malloch
+
+Release Date: September 16, 2009 [EBook #30003]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LAW AND LAUGHTER ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Bryan Ness, Rose Acquavella and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+<h1>LAW AND LAUGHTER</h1>
+
+<h2>BY GEORGE A. MORTON
+AND D. MACLEOD MALLOCH</h2>
+
+<h3>ILLUSTRATED WITH PORTRAITS OF
+EMINENT MEMBERS OF BENCH &amp; BAR<br /><br /><br /><br /></h3>
+
+
+<p class="center">T. N. FOULIS<br />
+LONDON &amp; EDINBURGH<br />
+1913</p>
+
+
+
+<p class="center"><i>Published October 1913</i><br /><br /><br /><br /></p>
+
+
+<p class="center">Printed by <span class="smcap">Ballantyne, Hanson &amp; Co.</span><br />
+at the Ballantyne Press, Edinburgh<br /><br /><br /><br /></p>
+
+
+
+
+<p class="center"><a name="TO" id="TO"></a>TO<br />
+THE MEMORY OF<br />
+D. MACLEOD MALLOCH<br /><br /><br /><br /></p>
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 316px;">
+<a name="lord_thurlow" id="lord_thurlow"></a>
+<img src="images/lord_thurlow.jpg" width="316" height="390" alt="EDWARD THURLOW, BARON THURLOW. LORD CHANCELLOR." title="" />
+<span class="caption">EDWARD THURLOW, BARON THURLOW. LORD CHANCELLOR.</span>
+</div>
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+<div class="poetryblock">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i2">"As crafty lawyers to acquire applause<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Try various arts to get a double cause,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">So does an author, rummaging his brain,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">By various methods, try to entertain."<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i2"><span class="smcap">Pasquin</span>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+</div>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="PREFACE" id="PREFACE"></a>PREFACE</h2>
+
+
+<p>The scope of this volume is indicated by its title&mdash;a
+presentation of the lighter side of law, as it is exhibited
+from time to time in the witty remarks, repartees,
+and <i>bon mots</i> of the Bench and Bar of Great Britain,
+Ireland, and America. The idea of presenting such a
+collection of legal <i>faceti&aelig;</i> originated with the late Mr.
+D. Macleod Malloch, and it is greatly to be regretted
+that by his untimely death, his share of the work had
+reached the stage of selecting only about one-half of
+the material included in the book. His knowledge of
+law, and his wide reading in legal biography, was such
+as would have increased considerably the value of this
+volume.</p>
+
+<p>In addition to sources which are acknowledged in the
+text, I have to mention contributions drawn from the
+following works: W. D. Adams' <i>Modern Anecdotes</i>;
+W. Andrews' <i>The Lawyer in History, Literature and
+Humour</i>; Croake James's <i>Curiosities of Law</i>; F. R.
+O'Flanagan's <i>The Irish Bar</i>; and A. Engelbach's comprehensive
+and entertaining <i>Anecdotes of the Bench
+and Bar</i>. I am further indebted to Sir James Balfour
+Paul, Lyon King of Arms, for permission to include
+"The Circuiteer's Lament," from the privately printed
+volume <i>Ballads of the Bench and Bar</i>, and to the editor
+of the <i>Edinburgh Evening Dispatch</i> for a number
+of the more recent anecdotes in the Scottish chapters
+of the book.</p>
+
+<p>
+GEO. A. MORTON.<br />
+</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="LIST_OF_CONTENTS" id="LIST_OF_CONTENTS"></a>LIST OF CONTENTS</h2>
+
+
+
+
+
+<div class="center">
+<table border="0" cellpadding="8" cellspacing="0" summary="" style="font-size: larger">
+<tr><td align="right">I.</td><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_1">The Judges of England</a></span></td><td align="right">PAGE 3</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="right">II.</td><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_65">The Barristers of England</a></span></td><td align="right">67</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="right">III.</td><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_105">The Judges of Ireland</a></span></td><td align="right">107</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="right">IV.</td><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_125">The Barristers of Ireland</a></span></td><td align="right">127</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="right">V.</td><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_151">The Judges of Scotland</a></span></td><td align="right">153</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="right">VI.</td><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_197">The Advocates of Scotland</a></span></td><td align="right">199</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="right">VII.</td><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_221">The American Bench and Bar</a></span></td><td align="right">223</td></tr>
+</table></div>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="LIST_OF_PORTRAITS" id="LIST_OF_PORTRAITS"></a>LIST OF PORTRAITS</h2>
+
+
+
+
+<div class="center">
+<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary="">
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#lord_thurlow">Lord Thurlow</a></span></td><td align="left"><i>Frontispiece</i></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left" style="padding-left: 2em"><i>From a painting by Thomas Phillips, R.A.</i><br />
+<i>By permission of the Trustees of the National Portrait Gallery.</i></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#earl_of_rosslyn">Earl of Rosslyn</a></span></td><td align="right"><i>Page</i> 8</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#earl_of_mansfield">Earl of Mansfield</a></span></td><td align="right">16</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#earl_of_eldon">Earl of Eldon</a></span></td><td align="right">20</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left" style="padding-left: 2em"><i>By permission of the Trustees of the Scottish National Portrait Gallery.</i></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#lord_kenyon">Lord Kenyon</a></span></td><td align="right">24</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#lord_erskine">Lord Erskine</a></span></td><td align="right">32</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#lord_westbury">Lord Westbury</a></span></td><td align="right">36</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#lord_brougham">Lord Brougham</a></span></td><td align="right">40</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#lord_campbell">Lord Campbell</a></span></td><td align="right">44</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left" style="padding-left: 2em"><i>By permission of the Trustees of the National Portrait Gallery, and Mr. Emery Walker.</i></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#lord_chelmsford">Lord Chelmsford</a></span></td><td align="right">48</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#sir_alexander_cockburn">Sir Alexander Cockburn</a></span></td><td align="right">52</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left" style="padding-left: 2em"><i>By permission of Harry A. Cockburn, Esq.</i></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#sir_henry_hawkins">Lord Brampton (Sir Henry Hawkins)</a></span></td><td align="right">56</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#justice_darling">The Hon. Mr. Justice Darling</a></span></td><td align="right">60</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left" style="padding-left: 2em"><i>From a photograph by C. Vandyk.</i></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#sir_samuel_martin">Sir Samuel Martin</a></span></td><td align="right">64</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#justice_grantham">The Hon. Mr. Justice Grantham</a></span></td><td align="right">72</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left" style="padding-left: 2em"><i>From a photograph by Elliott &amp; Fry, Ltd.</i></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#john_adolphus">John Adolphus</a></span></td><td align="right">76</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#samuel_warren">Samuel Warren, Q.C.</a></span></td><td align="right">80</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#lord_romilly">Lord Romilly</a></span></td><td align="right">88</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#serjeant_talfourd">Serjeant Talfourd</a></span></td><td align="right">96</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#viscount_carleton">Viscount Carleton</a></span></td><td align="right">112</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left" style="padding-left: 2em"><i>By permission of the Trustees of the Scottish National Portrait Gallery.</i></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#john_curran">John P. Curran</a></span></td><td align="right">128</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left" style="padding-left: 2em"><i>By permission of the Trustees of the Scottish National Portrait Gallery.</i></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#daniel_oconnell">Daniel O'Connell</a></span></td><td align="right">144</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left" style="padding-left: 2em"><i>By permission of the Trustees of the Scottish National Portrait Gallery.</i></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#lord_newton">Lord Newton</a></span></td><td align="right">156</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#lord_eskgrove">Lord Eskgrove</a></span></td><td align="right">160</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#lord_kames">Lord Kames</a></span></td><td align="right">164</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#lord_eldin">Lord Eldin</a></span></td><td align="right">168</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#lord_cockburn">Lord Cockburn</a></span></td><td align="right">176</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#lord_braxfield">Lord Braxfield</a></span></td><td align="right">184</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left" style="padding-left: 2em"><i>By permission of the Trustees of the Scottish National Portrait Gallery.</i></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#lord_young">Lord Young</a></span></td><td align="right">192</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left" style="padding-left: 2em"><i>From a photograph by T. &amp; R. Annan &amp; Sons.</i></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#hon_henry_erskine">The Hon. Henry Erskine</a></span></td><td align="right">200</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left" style="padding-left: 2em"><i>By permission of the Trustees of the Scottish National Portrait Gallery.</i></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#andrew_crosbie">Andrew Crosbie</a></span></td><td align="right">208</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left" style="padding-left: 2em"><i>By permission of the Faculty of Advocates.</i></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#theophilus_parsons">Theophilus Parsons</a></span></td><td align="right">224</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smcap"><a href="#rufus_choate">Rufus Choate</a></span></td><td align="right">232</td></tr>
+</table></div>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_ONE" id="CHAPTER_ONE"></a>CHAPTER ONE<br />
+THE JUDGES OF ENGLAND<br /></h2>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="poetryblock"><div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"The man resolv'd and steady to his trust,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Inflexible to ill, and obstinately just,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">May the rude rabble's insolence despise,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Their senseless clamours, and tumultuous cries;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The tyrant's fierceness he beguiles,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the stern brow, and the harsh voice defies,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And with superior greatness smiles."<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Horace</span>: <i>Odes</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"The charge is prepared, the lawyers are set;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The judges are ranged, a terrible show."<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><i>Beggar's Opera.</i><br /></span>
+</div></div></div>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>LAW AND LAUGHTER<br />
+BY GEORGE A. MORTON<br />
+AND D. MACLEOD MALLOCH<br /><br /></h2>
+
+<h2>CHAPTER ONE<br />
+THE JUDGES OF ENGLAND</h2>
+
+
+<p>Mr. Justice Darling, whose witty remarks
+from the Bench are so much appreciated by his
+audiences in Court, and, it is rumoured, are not always
+received with approval by his brother judges, says, in
+his amusing book <i>Scintill&aelig; Juris</i>:</p>
+
+<p>"It is a common error to suppose that our law has
+no sense of humour, because for the most part the
+judges who expound it have none."</p>
+
+<p>But law is, after all, a serious business&mdash;at any rate
+for the litigants&mdash;and it would appear also for the attorneys,
+for while witticisms of the Bench and Bar abound,
+very few are recorded of the attorney and his
+client. "Law is law" wrote the satirist who decided
+not to adopt it as a profession. "Law is like a country
+dance; people are led up and down in it till they are
+tired. Law is like a book of surgery&mdash;there are a great
+many terrible cases in it. It is also like physic&mdash;they
+who take least of it are best off. Law is like a homely
+gentlewoman&mdash;very well to follow. Law is like a
+scolding wife&mdash;very bad when it follows us. Law is
+like a new fashion&mdash;people are bewitched to get into
+it. It is also like bad weather&mdash;most people are glad
+when they get out of it."</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</a></span></p>
+<p>From very early times there have appeared on the
+Bench expounders of the law who by the phrase "for
+the most part" must be acquitted of Mr. Justice Darling's
+charge of having no sense of humour; judges
+who, like himself, have lightened the otherwise dreary
+routine of duty by pleasantries which in no way interfered
+with the course of justice. One of the earliest of
+our witty judges, whose brilliant sayings have come
+down to us, was Henry VIII's Lord Chancellor, Sir
+Thomas More, who lost his head because he would not
+acknowledge his king as head of the Church. To Sir
+Thomas Manners, Earl of Rutland, who had made a
+somewhat insolent remark, the Lord Chancellor quietly
+replied, 'Honores mutant mores'&mdash;Honours change
+manners. Sir Thomas's humour was what may be
+called <i>quiet</i>, because its effect did not immediately show
+itself in boisterous merriment, but would undoubtedly
+remain long in the remembrance of those to whom it
+was addressed. Made with as much courtesy as irony,
+is it likely his keeper in the Tower would ever forget
+his remark? "Assure yourself I do not dislike my
+cheer; but whenever I do, then spare not to thrust me
+out of your doors." Nor did his quaint humour desert
+him at the scaffold: "Master Lieutenant," said he, "I pray
+you see me safe up; for my coming down let me shift for
+myself." Even with his head on the block he could
+not resist a humorous remark, when putting aside his
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span>beard he said to the executioner, "Wait, my good
+friend, till I have removed my beard, for it has never
+offended his highness."</p>
+
+<p>Another judge of the sixteenth century, Sir Nicholas
+Bacon, who resembled Sir Thomas More in the
+gentleness of his happiest speeches, could also on occasion
+exhibit an unnecessary coarseness in his jocular
+retorts. A circuit story is told of him in which a
+convicted felon named Hog appealed for remission of
+his sentence on the ground that he was related to his
+lordship. "Nay, my friend," replied the judge, "you
+and I cannot be kindred except you be hanged, for hog
+is not bacon until it be well hung." This retort was
+not quite so coarse as that attributed to the Scottish
+judge, Lord Kames, two centuries later, who on sentencing
+to death a man with whom he had often played
+chess and very frequently been beaten, added after the
+solemn words of doom, "And noo, Matthew, ye'll admit
+that's checkmate for you."</p>
+
+<p>To Lord Chancellor Hatton, also an Elizabethan
+judge who aimed at sprightliness on the Bench, a clever
+<i>mot</i> is attributed. The case before him was one concerning
+the limits of certain land. The counsel having
+remarked with emphasis, 'We lie on this side, my lord,'
+and the opposing counsel with equal vehemence having
+interposed, 'And we lie on this side, my lord'&mdash;the
+Lord Chancellor dryly observed, "If you lie on both
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span>sides, whom am I to believe?" It would seem that
+punning was as great a power in the Law Courts of
+that time as it is at the present day. When Egerton as
+Master of the Rolls was asked to commit a cause&mdash;refer
+it to a Master in Chancery&mdash;he would reply, "What
+has the cause done that it should be committed?"</p>
+
+<p>Many witticisms of Westminster Hall, attributed to
+barristers of the Georgian and Victorian periods, are
+traceable to a much earlier date. There is the story of
+Serjeant Wilkins, whose excuse for drinking a pot of
+stout at mid-day was, that he wanted to fuddle his brain
+down to the intellectual standard of a British jury.
+Two hundred and fifty years earlier, Sir John Millicent,
+a Cambridgeshire judge, on being asked how he
+got on with his brother judges replied, "Why, i' faithe,
+I have no way but to drink myself down to the capacity
+of the Bench." And this merry thought has also been
+attributed to one eminent barrister who became Lord
+Chancellor, and to more than one Scottish advocate
+who ultimately attained to a seat on the Bench.</p>
+
+<p>And to various celebrities of the later Georgian
+period has been attributed Lord Shaftesbury's reply
+to Charles II. When the king exclaimed, "Shaftesbury,
+you are the most profligate man in my dominions,"
+the Chancellor answered somewhat recklessly,
+"Of a subject, sir, I believe I am."</p>
+
+<p>Bullying witnesses is an old practice of the Bar, but
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span>for instances of it emanating from the Bench one has
+to go very far back. A witness with a long beard was
+giving evidence that was displeasing to Jeffreys, when
+judge, who said: "If your conscience is as large as your
+beard, you'll swear anything." The old man retorted:
+"My lord, if your lordship measures consciences by
+beards, your lordship has none at all."</p>
+
+<p>A somewhat similar story of Jeffreys' bullying manner,
+when at the Bar, is that of his cross-examining a
+witness in a leathern doublet, who had made out a
+complete case against his client. Jeffreys shouted:
+"You fellow in the leathern doublet, pray what have
+you for swearing?" The man looked steadily at him,
+and "Truly, sir," said he, "if you have no more for lying
+than I have for swearing, you might wear a leathern
+doublet as well as I."</p>
+
+<p>Instances of disrespect to the Bench are rarely met
+with in early as happily in later days. There is, perhaps,
+the most flagrant example of young Wedderburn
+in the Scottish Court of Session, when with dramatic
+effect he threw off his gown and declared he would
+never enter the Court again; but he rose to be Lord
+Chancellor of England. Scarcely less disrespectful
+(but not said openly to the Bench) was young Edward
+Hyde when hinting that the death of judges was of
+small moment compared with his chances of preferment.
+"Our best news," he wrote to a friend, "is that
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span>we have good wine abundantly come over; our worst
+that the plague is in town, <i>and no judges die</i>."</p>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 295px;">
+<a name="earl_of_rosslyn" id="earl_of_rosslyn"></a>
+<img src="images/earl_of_rosslyn.jpg" width="295" height="395" alt="ALEXANDER WEDDERBURN, EARL OF ROSSLYN, LORD CHANCELLOR." title="" />
+<span class="caption">ALEXANDER WEDDERBURN, EARL OF ROSSLYN, LORD CHANCELLOR.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>In squabbles between the Bench and the Bar there
+are few stories that match for personality the retort of
+a counsel to Lord Fortescue. His lordship was disfigured
+by a purple nose of abnormal growth. Interrupting
+counsel one day with the observation: "Brother,
+brother, you are handling the case in a very lame manner,"
+the angry counsel calmly retorted, "Pardon me,
+my lord; have patience with me and I will do my best
+to make the case as plain as&mdash;as&mdash;the nose on your
+lordship's face." Nor did the retort of an Attorney-General
+to a judge, after a warm discussion on a point
+which the latter claimed to decide, show much respect
+for the Bench. The judge closed the argument with
+"I ruled so and so."&mdash;"<i>You</i> ruled," muttered the Attorney-General.
+"<i>You</i> ruled! You were never fit to
+rule anything but a copy-book."</p>
+
+<p>Verse has been used as a medium of much amusing
+legal wit and humour, although law and law cases do
+not offer very easy subjects for turning into rhyme.
+But a good illustration is afforded by Mr. Justice
+Powis, who had a habit of repeating the phrase, "Look,
+do you see," and "I humbly conceive." At York Assize
+Court on one occasion he said to Mr. Yorke, afterwards
+Lord Hardwicke, "Mr. Yorke, I understand you are
+going to publish a poetical version of 'Coke upon Lyt<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span>telton.'
+Will you favour me with a specimen?"&mdash;"Certainly,
+my lord," replied the barrister, who thereupon
+gravely recited:</p>
+
+<div class="poetryblock">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"He that holdeth his lands in fee<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Need neither shake nor shiver,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I humbly conceive, for, look, do you see,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">They are his and his heirs for ever."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+</div>
+
+<p>In Sir James Burrows' reports is given a poetical
+version of Chief Justice Pratt's decision with regard
+to a woman of English birth who was the widow of a
+foreigner.</p>
+
+<div class="poetryblock">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"A woman having a settlement,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Married a man with none,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The question was, he being dead,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">If what she had was gone.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Quoth Sir John Pratt, 'The settlement<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Suspended doth remain<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Living the husband; but him dead<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">It doth revive again.'"<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="neg2">Chorus of Puisne Judges:<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Living the husband; but him dead<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">It doth revive again."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+</div>
+<p>The Chief Justice's decision having been reversed by
+his successor, Chief Justice Ryder's decision was reported:</p>
+
+<div class="poetryblock">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"A woman having a settlement<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Married a man with none;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He flies and leaves her destitute,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">What then is to be done?<br /></span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span></div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Quoth Ryder the Chief Justice,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">'In spite of Sir John Pratt,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">You'll send her to the parish<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">In which she was a brat.'<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><i>Suspension of a settlement</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Is not to be maintained.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That which she had by birth subsists<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Until another's gained."<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="neg2">Chorus of Puisne Judges:<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"That which she had by birth subsists<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Until another's gained."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+</div>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 316px;">
+<a name="lord_thurlow2" id="lord_thurlow2"></a>
+<img src="images/lord_thurlow.jpg" width="316" height="390" alt="EDWARD THURLOW, BARON THURLOW. LORD CHANCELLOR." title="" />
+<span class="caption">EDWARD THURLOW, BARON THURLOW. LORD CHANCELLOR.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Many of the well-known witticisms attributed to
+great judges are so tinged with personality&mdash;even
+tending to malignity&mdash;that no one possessing respect
+for human nature can read them without being tempted
+to regard them as mere biographical fabrications.
+But such a construction cannot be put upon the stories
+told of Lord Chancellor Thurlow, whose overbearing
+insolence to the Bar is well known. To a few friends
+like John Scott, Lord Eldon, and Lloyd Kenyon, Lord
+Kenyon, he could be consistently indulgent; but to
+those who provoked him by an independent and fearless
+manner he was little short of a persecutor. Once
+when Scott was about to follow his leader, who had
+made an unusually able speech, the Chancellor addressed
+him: "Mr. Scott, I am glad to find you are en<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span>gaged
+in the cause, for I now stand some chance of
+knowing something about the matter." This same
+leader of the Bar on one occasion, in the excitement of
+professional altercation, made use of an undignified
+expression before Lord Thurlow; but before his lordship
+could take notice of it the counsel immediately
+apologised, saying, "My lord, I beg your lordship's
+pardon. I really forgot for the moment where I was."
+A silent recognition of the apology would have made
+the counsel feel his position more keenly, but the
+Chancellor could not let such an opportunity pass and
+immediately flashed out: "You thought you were in
+your own Court, I presume," alluding to a Welsh
+judgeship held by the offending counsel.</p>
+
+<p>As a contrast to Lord Thurlow's treatment of Scott's
+leader, the following story&mdash;given in Scott's own
+words&mdash;shows how the great Chancellor could unbend
+himself in the company of men who were in his favour.
+"After dinner, one day when nobody was present but
+Lord Kenyon and myself, Lord Thurlow said, 'Taffy,
+I decided a cause this morning, and I saw from Scott's
+face that he doubted whether I was right.' Thurlow
+then stated his view of the case, and Kenyon instantly
+said, 'Your decision was quite right.' 'What say you
+to that?' asked the Chancellor. I said, 'I did not presume
+to form a case on which they were both agreed.
+But I think a fact has not been mentioned, which may
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span>be material.' I was about to state the fact, and my
+reasons. Kenyon, however, broke in upon me, and
+with some warmth stated that I was always so obstinate
+there was no dealing with me. 'Nay,' interposed
+Thurlow, 'that's not fair. You, Taffy, are obstinate,
+and give no reasons. You, Jack, are obstinate too; but
+then you give your reasons, and d&mdash;d bad ones they
+are!'"</p>
+
+<p>Another anecdote again illustrates the Chancellor's
+treatment of even those who were on a friendly footing
+with him. Sir Thomas Davenport, a great Nisi
+Prius leader, had long flattered himself with the hope
+of succeeding to some valuable appointment in the law;
+but several good things passing by, he lost his patience
+and temper along with them. At last he addressed
+this laconic application to his patron: "The Chief
+Justiceship of Chester is vacant; am I to have it?" and
+received the following laconic answer: "No! by G&mdash;d!
+Kenyon shall have it."</p>
+
+<p>Scarcely less courteous was this Lord Chancellor's
+treatment of a solicitor who endeavoured to prove to
+him a certain person's death. To all his statements the
+Chancellor replied, "Sir, that is no proof," till at last
+the solicitor losing patience exclaimed: "Really, my
+lord, it is very hard and it is not right that you should
+not believe me. I knew the man well: I saw the man
+dead in his coffin. My lord, the man was my client."
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span>"Good G&mdash;d, sir! why didn't you tell me that sooner?
+I should not have doubted the fact one moment; for I
+think nothing can be so likely to kill a man as to have
+you for his attorney."</p>
+
+<p>As Keeper of the Great Seal Thurlow had the
+alternate presentation to a living with the Bishop
+of &mdash;&mdash;. The Bishop's secretary called upon the
+Lord Chancellor and said, "My Lord Bishop of &mdash;&mdash;
+sends his compliments to your lordship, and believes
+that the next turn to present to &mdash;&mdash; belongs to his
+lordship."&mdash;"Give his lordship my compliments," replied
+the Chancellor, "and tell him that I will see him
+d&mdash;d first before he shall present."&mdash;"This, my lord,"
+retorted the secretary, "is a very unpleasant message
+to deliver to a bishop." To which the Chancellor replied,
+"You are right, it is so; therefore tell the Bishop
+that <i>I will be</i> d&mdash;d first before he shall present."</p>
+
+<p>Lord Campbell in his life of Thurlow says that in
+his youth the Chancellor was credited with wild excesses.
+There was a story, believed at the time, of
+some early amour with the daughter of a Dean of Canterbury,
+to which the Duchess of Kingston alluded
+when on her trial at the House of Lords. Looking Thurlow,
+then Attorney-General, full in the face she said,
+"That learned gentleman dwelt much on my faults, but
+I too, if I chose, could tell a Canterbury tale."</p>
+
+<p>But with all his bitterness and sarcasm Lord Thur<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span>low
+had a genuine sense of humour, as the following
+story of his Cambridge days illustrates&mdash;days when
+he was credited with more disorderly pranks and impudent
+escapades than attention to study. "Sir," observed
+a tutor, "I never come to the window but I
+see you idling in the Court."&mdash;"Sir," replied the future
+Lord Chancellor, "I never come into the Court but I
+see you idling at the window."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 292px;">
+<a name="earl_of_mansfield" id="earl_of_mansfield"></a>
+<img src="images/earl_of_mansfield.jpg" width="292" height="390" alt="WILLIAM MURRAY, EARL OF MANSFIELD, LORD CHIEF JUSTICE." title="" />
+<span class="caption">WILLIAM MURRAY, EARL OF MANSFIELD, LORD CHIEF JUSTICE.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Mansfield was not credited with lively sensibility,
+but his humanity was shocked at the thought of killing
+a man for a trifling theft. Trying a prisoner at the Old
+Baily on the charge of stealing in a dwelling-house to
+the value of 40<i>s.</i>&mdash;when this was a capital offence&mdash;he
+advised the jury to find a gold trinket, the subject of
+the indictment, to be of less value. The prosecutor exclaimed
+with indignation, "Under 40<i>s.</i>, my lord! Why,
+the <i>fashion</i> alone cost me more than double the sum."&mdash;"God
+forbid, gentlemen, we should hang a man for
+fashion's sake," observed Lord Mansfield to the jury.</p>
+
+<p>An indictment was tried before him at the Assizes,
+preferred by parish officers for keeping an hospital for
+lying-in women, whereby the parish was burdened by
+illegitimate children. He expressed doubts whether
+this was an indictable offence, and after hearing arguments
+in support of it he thus gave his judgment. "We
+sit here under a Commission requiring us to <i>deliver</i>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span>this gaol, and the statute has been cited to make it unlawful
+to <i>deliver</i> a woman who is with child. Let the
+indictment be quashed."</p>
+
+<p>Having met at supper the famous Dr. Brocklesby,
+he entered into familiar conversation with him, and
+there was an interchange of stories just a little trenching
+on the decorous. It so happened that the doctor
+had to appear next morning before Lord Mansfield in
+the witness-box; and on the strength of the previous
+evening's doings the witness, on taking up his position,
+nodded to the Chief Justice with offensive familiarity
+as to a boon companion. His lordship taking no notice
+of his salutation, but writing down his evidence, when
+he came to summing it up to the jury thus proceeded:
+"The next witness is one Rocklesby or Brocklesby,
+Brocklesby or Rocklesby&mdash;I am not sure which&mdash;and
+first he swears he is a physician."</p>
+
+<p>Lord Chief Baron Parker, in his eighty-seventh
+year, having observed to Lord Mansfield who was seventy-eight:
+"Your lordship and myself are now at sevens
+and eights," the younger Chief Justice replied: "Would
+you have us to be all our lives at sixes and sevens?
+But let us talk of young ladies and not old age."</p>
+
+<p>Trying an action which arose from the collision of
+two ships at sea, a sailor who gave an account of the
+accident said, "At the time I was standing abaft the
+binnacle."&mdash;"Where is abaft the binnacle?" asked
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span>Lord Mansfield; upon which the witness, who had
+taken a large share of grog before coming into Court,
+exclaimed loud enough to be heard by all present: "A
+pretty fellow to be a judge, who don't know where
+abaft the binnacle is!" Lord Mansfield, instead of
+threatening to commit him for contempt, said: "Well,
+my friend, fit me for my office by telling me where
+<i>abaft the binnacle is</i>; you have already shown me the
+meaning of <i>half-seas over</i>."</p>
+
+<p>On one occasion Lord Mansfield covered his retreat
+from an untenable position with a sparkling pleasantry.
+An old witness named ELM having given his evidence
+with remarkable clearness, although he was
+more than eighty years of age, Lord Mansfield examined
+him as to his habitual mode of living, and found
+he had been through life an early riser and a singularly
+temperate man. "Ay," remarked the Chief Justice, in
+a tone of approval, "I have always found that without
+temperance and early habits longevity is never attained."
+The next witness, the elder brother of this
+model of temperance, was then called, and he almost
+surpassed his brother as an intelligent and clear-headed
+utterer of evidence. "I suppose," observed
+Lord Mansfield, "that you are an early riser?"&mdash;"No,
+my lord," answered the veteran stoutly; "I like my
+bed at all hours, and special-<i>lie</i> I like it of a morning."&mdash;"Ah,
+but like your brother, you are a very temper<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span>ate
+man?" quickly asked the judge, looking out anxiously
+for the safety of the more important part of his
+theory. "My lord," responded this ancient Elm, disdaining
+to plead guilty to a charge of habitual sobriety,
+"I am a very old man, and my memory is as clear as a
+bell, but I can't remember the night when I've gone to
+bed without being more or less drunk."&mdash;"Ah, my
+lord," Mr. Dunning exclaimed, "this old man's case
+supports a theory unheld by many persons&mdash;that
+habitual intemperance is favourable to longevity."&mdash;"No,
+no," replied the Chief Justice with a smile; "this
+old man and his brother merely teach us what every
+carpenter knows&mdash;that Elm, whether it be wet or dry,
+is a very tough wood."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 285px;">
+<a name="earl_of_eldon" id="earl_of_eldon"></a>
+<img src="images/earl_of_eldon.jpg" width="285" height="392" alt="JOHN SCOTT, EARL OF ELDON, LORD CHANCELLOR." title="" />
+<span class="caption">JOHN SCOTT, EARL OF ELDON, LORD CHANCELLOR.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Lord Eldon's good humour gained him the affection
+of all counsel who practised before him, but there is
+one story&mdash;apocryphal it may be, coming from Lord
+Campbell&mdash;of a prejudice he had against Lord Brougham,
+who, in Scottish cases, frequently appeared before
+him in the House of Lords. Lord Eldon persisted in
+addressing the advocate as Mr. Bruffam. This was too
+much for Brougham, who was rather proud of the form
+and antiquity of his name, and who at last, in exasperation,
+sent a note to the Chancellor, intimating that his
+name was pronounced "Broom." At the conclusion of
+the argument the Chancellor stated, "Every authority
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span>upon the question has been brought before us: new
+Brooms sweep clean."</p>
+
+<p>As Lord Chancellor, Lord Eldon's great foible was
+an apparent inability to arrive at an early decision on
+any question: it was really a desire to weigh carefully
+all sides of a question before expressing his opinion.
+This hesitancy was expressed in the formula "I doubt,"
+which became the subject of frequent jests among the
+members of the Bar.</p>
+
+<p>Sir George Rose, in absence of the regular reporter
+of Lord Eldon's decisions, was requested to take a note
+of any decision which should be given. As a full record
+of all that was material, which had occurred during the
+day, Sir George made the following entry in the reporter's
+notebook:</p>
+
+<div class="poetryblock">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Mr. Leach made a speech,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Angry, neat, but wrong;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Mr. Hart, on the other part,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Was heavy, dull, and long;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Mr. Parker made the case darker,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Which was dark enough without;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Mr. Cooke cited his book;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the Chancellor said&mdash;I doubt."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+</div>
+
+<p>This <i>jeu d'esprit</i>, flying about Westminster Hall,
+reached the Chancellor, who was very much amused
+with it, notwithstanding the allusion to his doubting
+propensity. Soon after, Sir George Rose having to
+argue before him a very untenable proposition, he gave
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span>his opinion very gravely, and with infinite grace and
+felicity thus concluded: "For these reasons the judgment
+must be against your clients; and here, Sir
+George, the Chancellor does not <i>doubt</i>."</p>
+
+<p>The following was Lord Eldon's answer to an application
+for a piece of preferment from his old friend Dr.
+Fisher, of the Charter House:</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Dear Fisher</span>,&mdash;I cannot, to-day, give you the
+preferment for which you ask.&mdash;I remain, your sincere
+friend, <span class="smcap">Eldon</span>." Then, on the other side, "I gave it
+to you yesterday."</p>
+
+<p>According to his biographer, Lord Eldon caused a
+loud laugh while the old Duke of Norfolk was fast
+asleep in the House of Lords, and amusing their lordships
+with "that tuneful nightingale, his nose," by announcing
+from the woolsack, with solemn emphasis,
+that the Commons had sent up a bill for "enclosing
+and dividing Great Snoring in the county of Norfolk!"</p>
+
+<p>Like Lord Thurlow, Lord Eldon was in close intimacy
+with George III in the days when his Majesty's
+mind was supposed to be not very strong. "I took
+down to Kew," relates his lordship, "some Bills for his
+assent, and I placed on a paper the titles and the effect
+of them. The king, being perhaps suspicious that my
+coming down might be to judge of his competence for
+public business, as I was reading over the titles of the
+different Acts of Parliament he interrupted me and
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span>said: 'You are not acting correctly, you should do one
+of two things; either bring me down the Acts for my
+perusal, or say, as Thurlow once said to me on a like
+occasion, having read several he stopped and said, "It
+is all d&mdash;d nonsense trying to make you understand
+them, and you had better consent to them at once."'"</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>It is not often, but it sometimes happens that a judge
+finds himself in conflict with members of the public
+who are under no restraint of professional privilege or
+etiquette. Some maintain the dignity of the Court by
+fining and committing for contempt. Occasionally this
+may be necessary, but it has been found that delicate
+ridicule is often more effective. An attorney, pleading
+his cause before Lord Ellenborough, became exasperated
+because the untenable points he continually
+raised were invariably overruled, and exclaimed, "My
+lord, my lord, although your lordship is so great a man
+now, I remember the time when I could have got your
+opinion for five shillings." With an amused smile his
+lordship quietly observed, "Sir, I say it was not worth
+the money."</p>
+
+<p>The same judge used to be greatly annoyed during
+the season of colds with the noise of coughing in Court.
+On one occasion, when disturbances of this kind recurred
+with more than usual frequency, he was seen
+fidgeting about in his seat, and availing himself of a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span>
+slight cessation observed in his usual emphatic manner:
+"Some slight interruption one <i>might</i> tolerate, but
+there seems to be an <i>industry</i> of coughing."</p>
+
+<p>As an illustration of figurative oratory a good story
+is told of a barrister pleading before Lord Ellenborough:
+"My lord, I appear before you in the character
+of an advocate for the City of London; my lord, the
+City of London herself appears before you as a suppliant
+for justice. My lord, it is written in the book of
+nature."&mdash;"What book?" said Lord Ellenborough.
+"The book of nature."&mdash;"Name the page," said his lordship,
+holding his pen uplifted, as if to note the page
+down.</p>
+
+<p>Moore relates the story of a noble lord in the course
+of one of his speeches saying, "I ask myself so and so,"
+and repeating the words "I ask myself." "Yes," quietly
+remarked Lord Ellenborough, "and a d&mdash;d foolish answer
+you'll get."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>The comparison of a father and son who have both
+ascended the Bench has afforded a good story of a famous
+Scottish advocate which is told later, and the following
+is an equally cutting retort from the Bench to
+any assumed superiority through such a connection. A
+son of Lord Chief Justice Willes (who rose to the rank
+of a Puisne Judge) was checked one day for wandering
+from the subject. "I wish that you would remember,"
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span>he exclaimed, "that I am the son of a Chief Justice."
+To which Justice Gould replied with great simplicity,
+"Oh, we remember your father, but he was a sensible
+man."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>When hanging was the sentence, on conviction, for
+crimes&mdash;in these days termed offences&mdash;which are now
+punished by imprisonment, some judges from meting
+out the sentence of death almost indiscriminately came
+to be known as "hanging judges." Justice Page was one
+of them. When he was decrepit he perpetrated a joke
+against himself. Coming out of the Court one day and
+shuffling along the street a friend stopped him to inquire
+after his health. "My dear sir," the judge replied,
+"you see I keep just hanging on&mdash;hanging on."</p>
+
+<p>A Chief Justice of the "hanging" period, whose integrity
+was not above suspicion, was sitting in Court
+one day at his ease and lolling on his elbow, when a
+convict from the dock hurled a stone at him which fortunately
+passed over his head. "You see," said the
+learned man as he smilingly received the congratulations
+of those present&mdash;"you see now, if I had been
+an <i>upright judge</i> I had been slain."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 292px;">
+<a name="lord_kenyon" id="lord_kenyon"></a>
+<img src="images/lord_kenyon.jpg" width="292" height="390" alt="LLOYD KENYON, BARON KENYON, LORD CHIEF JUSTICE." title="" />
+<span class="caption">LLOYD KENYON, BARON KENYON, LORD CHIEF JUSTICE.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Some of the stories respecting Lord Kenyon's historical
+allusions and quotations are surely greatly exaggerated,
+or are pure inventions. In addressing a jury
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span>in a blasphemy case, he is reported to have said that
+the Emperor Julian "was so celebrated for the practice
+of every Christian virtue that he was called 'Julian the
+Apostle'"; and to have concluded an elaborate address
+in dismissing a grand jury with the following valediction:
+"Having thus discharged your consciences, gentlemen,
+you may return to your homes in peace, with
+the delightful consciousness of having performed your
+duties well, and may lay your heads on your pillows,
+saying to yourselves 'Aut C&aelig;sar, aut nullus.'" And
+this was his remark on detecting the trick of an attorney
+to delay a trial: "This is the last hair in the
+tail of procrastination, and it must be plucked
+out."</p>
+
+<p>Among other failings attributed to this Lord Chief
+Justice was the extreme penuriousness he practised in
+his domestic arrangements and his dress. His shoes
+were patched to such an extent that little of their original
+material could be seen, and once when trying a
+case he was sitting on the bench in a way to expose
+them to all in Court. It was an action for breach of contract
+to deliver shoes soundly made, and to clinch a
+witness for the pursuer he suddenly asked, "Were the
+shoes anything like these?" pointing to his own. "No,
+my lord," replied the witness, "they were a good deal
+better and more genteeler."</p>
+
+<p>As an example of his (Lord Kenyon's) style of ad<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span>dressing
+a condemned prisoner we have the following.
+A butler had been charged and convicted of stealing
+his master's wine.</p>
+
+<p>"Prisoner at the bar, you stand convicted on the
+most conclusive evidence of a crime of inexpressible
+atrocity&mdash;a crime that defiles the sacred springs of
+domestic confidence, and is calculated to strike alarm
+into the breast of every Englishman who invests largely
+in the choicer vintages of Southern Europe. Like
+the serpent of old, you have stung the hand of your
+protector. Fortunate in having a generous employer,
+you might without discovery have continued to supply
+your wretched wife and children with the comforts of
+sufficient prosperity, and even with some of the luxuries
+of affluence; but, dead to every claim of natural
+affection, and blind to your own real interest, you
+burst through all the restraints of religion and morality,
+and have for many years been <i>feathering</i> your nest
+with your master's <i>bottles</i>."</p>
+
+<p>Lord Kenyon was warmly attached to George III,
+who had a high opinion of him; but like many of his
+lordship's contemporaries, his Majesty strongly deprecated
+the frequent outbursts of temper on the part
+of his Chief Justice. "At a levee, soon after an extraordinary
+explosion of ill-humour in the Court of King's
+Bench, his Majesty said to him: 'My Lord Chief Justice,
+I hear that you have lost your temper, and from
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span>my great regard for you, I am very glad to hear it, for
+I hope you will find a better one.'"</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Of Lord Chief Justice Tenterden, Lord Campbell
+asserts that he once, and only once, uttered a pun. A
+learned gentleman, who had lectured on the law and
+was too much addicted to oratory came to argue a
+special demurrer before him. "My client's opponent,"
+said the figurative advocate, "worked like a mole under
+ground, <i>clam et secret&egrave;</i>." His figures only elicited
+a grunt from the Chief Justice. "It is asserted in Aristotle's
+<i>Rhetoric</i>&mdash;."&mdash;"I don't want to hear what is asserted
+in Aristotle's <i>Rhetoric</i>," interposed Lord Tenterden.
+The advocate shifted his ground and took up,
+as he thought, a safe position. "It is laid down in the
+<i>Pandects</i> of Justinian&mdash;." "Where are you got now?"
+"It is a principle of the civil law&mdash;." "Oh sir," exclaimed
+the judge, with a tone and voice which abundantly
+justified his assertion, "we have nothing to do
+with the <i>civil</i> law in this Court."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Judges sometimes stray into humour without intending
+it. At an election petition trial one allegation
+was, that a number of rosettes, or "marks of
+distinction," had been kept in a table drawer in the
+central committee-room. To meet this charge it was
+thought desirable to call witnesses to swear that the
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span>only table in the room consisted of planks laid on
+trestles. "So that the table had no proper legs," said
+counsel cheerfully. "Never mind whether it had proper
+legs," said one of the learned judges. "The more
+important question is: Had it drawers?"</p>
+
+<p>And in <i>The Story of Crime</i> the author recalls an instance
+of a judge unconsciously furnishing material
+for laughter in Court. "At the beginning of the session
+at the Old Baily a good deal of work is got through
+by the judge who takes the small cases, and it may be
+this fact that accounted for the confusion of thought
+which he describes. One of the prisoners was charged
+with stealing a camera, and after all the evidence had
+been taken his lordship proceeded to sum up to the
+jury. He began by correctly describing the stolen article
+as a camera, but had not gone very far before the
+camera had become a concertina, and by the time he
+had finished the concertina had become an accordion.
+And he never once saw his mistake. The usher noticed
+it at the first trip, and kept repeating in a kind of
+hoarse stage-whisper, 'Camera! Camera!' but his
+voice did not reach the Bench, and so the complicated
+article remained on record."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Andrews in his book, <i>The Lawyer in History,
+Literature, and Humour</i>, relates that a leader of the
+Bar on rising to address the drowsy jury after a ponderous
+oration by Sir Samuel Prime, said: "Gentle<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span>men,
+after the long speech of the learned serjeant&mdash;"
+"Sir, I beg your pardon," interrupted Mr. Justice
+Nares, "you might say&mdash;you might say&mdash;after the long
+soliloquy, for my brother Prime has been talking an
+hour to himself."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 285px;">
+<a name="lord_erskine" id="lord_erskine"></a>
+<img src="images/lord_erskine.jpg" width="285" height="390" alt="THOMAS ERSKINE, BARON ERSKINE, LORD CHANCELLOR." title="" />
+<span class="caption">THOMAS ERSKINE, BARON ERSKINE, LORD CHANCELLOR.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Thomas, Lord Erskine was the youngest of three
+brothers, who were all distinguished men. The eldest
+was the well-known Earl of Buchan, one of the founders
+of the Society of Antiquaries of Scotland, whose
+eccentricities formed the subject of much gossip in the
+Scottish capital. To an English nobleman he declared:
+"My brothers Harry and Tom are certainly remarkable
+men, but they owe everything to me." Seeing a
+look of surprise upon his friend's face he added: "Yes,
+it is true; they owe everything to me. On my father's
+death they pressed me for an annual allowance. I
+knew this would have been their ruin, by relaxing their
+industry. So making a sacrifice of my inclinations to
+gratify them I refused to give them a farthing, and they
+have thriven ever since&mdash;<i>owing everything to me</i>."</p>
+
+<p>Henry, the second brother, was universally beloved
+and respected, and one of the most popular advocates
+at the Scottish Bar. He was twice Lord-Advocate for
+Scotland&mdash;on the second occasion under the Ministry
+of "All the Talents," when his younger brother was
+Lord Chancellor. He was famous in the Parliament
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span>House and outside of it for his witticisms, a selection
+of which will be given later.</p>
+
+<p>Thomas, who became Lord Chancellor, obtained an
+unique influence while practising at the Bar, and, like
+his older brother, he was a universal favourite. "Juries
+have declared," said Lord Brougham, "that they have
+felt it impossible to remove their looks from him when
+he had riveted, and as it were fascinated, them by his
+first glance. Then hear his voice, of surpassing sweetness,
+clear, flexible, strong, exquisitely fitted to strains
+of serious earnestness." Yet although he did not rely
+on wit, or humour, or sarcasm in addressing a jury,
+he could use them to effect in cross-examination. "You
+were born and bred in Manchester, I perceive," he said
+to a witness. "Yes."&mdash;"I knew it," said Erskine carelessly,
+"from the absurd tie of your neckcloth." The
+witness' presence of mind was gone, and he was made
+to unsay the greatest part of his evidence in chief.
+Another witness confounding 'thick' whalebone with
+'long' whalebone, and unable to distinguish the difference
+after counsel's explanation, Erskine exclaimed,
+"Why, man, you do not seem to know the difference
+between what is <i>thick</i> or what is <i>long</i>! Now I
+tell you the difference. You are <i>thick</i>-headed, and you
+are not <i>long</i>-headed."</p>
+
+<p>Lord Erskine's addiction to punning is well known,
+and many examples might be cited. An action was
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span>brought against a stable-keeper for not taking proper
+care of a horse. "The horse," said counsel for the
+plaintiff, "was turned into the stable, with nothing to
+eat but musty hay. To such the horse 'demurred.'"&mdash;"He
+should have 'gone to the country,'" at once retorted
+Lord Erskine. For the general reader it should
+be explained that "demurring" and "going to the
+country" are technical terms for requiring a cause to
+be decided on a question of law by the judge, or on a
+question of fact by the jury. Here is another. A low-class
+attorney who was much employed in bail-business
+and moving attachments against the sheriff for
+not "bringing in the body"&mdash;that is, not arresting and
+imprisoning a debtor, when such was the law&mdash;sold
+his house in Lincoln's Inn Fields to the Corporation,
+of Surgeons to be used as their Hall. "I suppose it
+was recommended to them," said Erskine, "from the
+attorney being so well acquainted 'with the practice of
+bringing in the body!'"</p>
+
+<p>Perhaps one of his smartest puns he relates himself.
+"A case being laid before me by my veteran friend,
+the Duke of Queensberry&mdash;better known as 'old Q'&mdash;as
+to whether he could sue a tradesman for breach of
+contract about the painting of his house; and the evidence
+being totally insufficient to support the case, I
+wrote thus: 'I am of opinion that this action will not lie
+unless the witnesses do.'"</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span></p>
+<p>He was also fond of a practical joke. In answer to a
+circular letter from Sir John Sinclair, proposing that a
+testimonial should be presented to himself for his
+eminent public services, Lord Erskine replied:</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"<span class="smcap">My dear Sir John</span>,&mdash;I am certain there are few
+in this kingdom who set a higher value on your public
+services than myself; and I have the honour to subscribe"&mdash;then,
+on turning over the leaf, was to be
+found&mdash;"myself, your most obedient faithful servant,</p>
+
+<p>
+"<span class="smcap">Erskine</span>."<br />
+</p></div>
+
+<p>"Gentlemen of the jury," were his closing words
+after an impassioned address, "the reputation of a
+cheesemonger in the City of London is like the bloom
+upon a peach. Breathe upon it, and it is gone for
+ever."</p>
+
+<p>Among many apocryphal stories told of expedients
+by which smart counsel have gained verdicts, this one
+respecting a case in which Mr. Justice Gould was the
+judge and Erskine counsel for the defendant is least
+likely of credit. The judge entertained a most unfavourable
+opinion of the defendant's case, but being very
+old was scarcely audible, and certainly unintelligible,
+to the jury. While he was summing up the case, Erskine,
+sitting on the King's Counsel Bench, and full in
+the view of the jury, nodded assent to the various re<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span>marks
+which fell from the judge; and the jury, imagining
+that they had been directed to find for the defendant,
+immediately did so.</p>
+
+<p>When at the Bar, Erskine was always encouraged
+by the appreciation of his brother barristers. On one
+occasion, when making an unusual exertion on behalf
+of a client, he turned to Mr. Garrow, who was his colleague,
+and not perceiving any sign of approbation on
+his countenance, he whispered to him, "Who do you
+think can get on with that d&mdash;d wet blanket face of
+yours before him."</p>
+
+<p>Nor did he always exhibit graciousness to older
+members. One nervous old barrister named Lamb,
+who usually prefaced his pleadings with an apology,
+said to Erskine one day that he felt more timid as he
+grew older. "No wonder," replied Erskine, "the older
+the lamb the more sheepish he grows."</p>
+
+<p>When he was Lord Chancellor he was invited to attend
+the ministerial fish dinner at Greenwich&mdash;known
+in later years as the Whitebait Dinner&mdash;he replied:
+"To be sure I will attend. What would your fish dinner
+be without the Great Seal?"</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>When a stupid jury returns an obviously wrong verdict
+the judge must feel himself in an awkward position;
+but in such cases&mdash;if they ever occur now&mdash;a good
+precedent has been set by Mr. Justice Maule who,
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span>when in that predicament, addressed the prisoner in
+these terms:</p>
+
+<p>"Prisoner, your counsel thinks you innocent, the
+prosecution thinks you innocent, and I think you innocent.
+But a jury of your own fellow-countrymen, in
+the exercise of such common sense as they possess,
+have found you guilty, and it remains that I should pass
+sentence upon you. You will be imprisoned for one day,
+and as that day was yesterday, you are free to go about
+your business."</p>
+
+<p>"May God strike me dead! my lord, if I did it," excitedly
+exclaimed a prisoner who had been tried before
+the same justice for a serious offence, and a verdict of
+"guilty" returned by the jury. The judge looked grave,
+and paused an unusually long time before saying a
+word. At last, amid breathless silence, he began: "As
+Providence has not seen fit to interpose in your case, it
+now becomes my duty to pronounce upon you the sentence
+of the law," &amp;c. When somewhat excited over a
+very bad case tried before him he would delay sentence
+until he felt calmer, lest his impulse or his temper
+should lead him astray. On one such occasion he exclaimed,
+"I can't pass sentence now. I might be too
+severe. I feel as if I could give the man five-and-twenty
+years' penal servitude. Bring him up to-morrow when
+I feel calmer."&mdash;"Thank you, my lord," said the prisoner,
+"I know you will think better of it in the morn<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span>ing."
+Next day the man appeared in the dock for
+sentence. "Prisoner," said the judge, "I was angry
+yesterday, but I am calm to-day. I have spent a night
+thinking of your awful deeds, and I find on inquiry
+I can sentence you to penal servitude for life. I
+therefore pass upon you that sentence. I have
+thought better of what I was inclined to do yesterday."</p>
+
+<p>There are instances of brief summing up of a case
+by judges, but few in the terms expressed by this worthy
+judge. "If you believe the witnesses for the plaintiff,
+you will find for the defendant; if you believe the
+witnesses for the defendant, you will find for the plaintiff.
+If, like myself, you don't believe any of them,
+Heaven knows which way you will find. Consider your
+verdict."</p>
+
+<p>To Mr. Justice Maule a witness said: "You may believe
+me or not, but I have stated not a word that is
+false, for I have been wedded to truth from my infancy."&mdash;"Yes,
+sir," said the judge dryly; "but the question is,
+<i>how long have you been a widower?</i>"</p>
+
+<p>In the good old days a learned counsel of ferocious
+mien and loud voice, practising before him, received a
+fine rebuke from the justice. No reply could be got
+from an elderly lady in the box, and the counsel appealed
+to the judge. "I really cannot answer," said
+the trembling lady. "Why not, ma'am?" asked the
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span>judge. "Because, my lord, he frightens me so."&mdash;"So
+he does me, ma'am," replied the judge.</p>
+
+<p>He was as a rule patient and forbearing, and seldom
+interfered with counsel in their mode of laying cases
+before a jury or the Bench, but once he was fairly provoked
+to do so, by the confused blundering way in
+which one of them was trying to instil a notion of what
+he meant into the minds of the jury. "I am sorry to
+interfere, Mr. &mdash;&mdash;," said the judge, "but do you not
+think that, by introducing a little order into your narrative,
+you might possibly render yourself a trifle more
+intelligible? It may be my fault that I cannot follow you&mdash;I
+know that my brain is getting old and dilapidated;
+but I should like to stipulate for some sort of order.
+There are plenty of them. There is the chronological,
+the botanical, the metaphysical, the geographical&mdash;even
+the alphabetical order would be better than no
+order at all."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Baron Thomson, of the Court of Exchequer, was
+asked how he got on in his Court with the business,
+when he sat between Chief Baron Macdonald and
+Baron Graham. He replied, "What between snuff-box
+on one side, and chatterbox on the other, we get on
+pretty well!"</p>
+
+<p>Sir Richard Bethel, Lord Westbury, and Lord
+Campbell were on very friendly terms. An amusing
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span>story is told of a meeting of the two in Westminster
+Hall, when the first rumour of Lord Campbell's appointment
+as Lord Chancellor was current. The day
+being cold for the time of the year, Lord Campbell had
+gone down to the House of Lords in a fur coat, and
+Bethel, observing this, pretended not to recognise him.
+Thereupon Campbell came up to him and said: "Mr.
+Attorney, don't you know me?"&mdash;"I beg your pardon,
+my lord," was the reply. "I mistook you for the <i>Great
+Seal</i>."</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 293px;">
+<a name="lord_westbury" id="lord_westbury"></a>
+<img src="images/lord_westbury.jpg" width="293" height="390" alt="RICHARD BETHEL, BARON WESTBURY, LORD CHANCELLOR." title="" />
+<span class="caption">RICHARD BETHEL, BARON WESTBURY, LORD CHANCELLOR.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Lord Cranworth, Vice-Chancellor, after hearing Sir
+Richard Bethel's argument in an appeal, said he
+"would turn the matter over in his mind." Sir Richard
+turning to his junior with his usual bland calm utterance
+said: "Take a note of that; his honour says he
+will turn it over in what he is pleased to call his mind."</p>
+
+<p>Sir James Scarlett, Lord Abinger, had to examine
+a witness whose evidence would be somewhat dangerous
+unless he was thrown off his guard and "rattled."
+The witness in question&mdash;an influential man, whose
+vulnerable point was said to be his self-esteem&mdash;was
+ushered into the box, a portly overdressed person,
+beaming with self-assurance. Looking him over for a
+few minutes without saying a word Sir James opened
+fire: "Mr. Tompkins, I believe?"&mdash;"Yes."&mdash;"You are a
+stockbroker, I believe, are you not?"&mdash;"I ham." Pausing
+for a few seconds and making an attentive survey
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span>of him, Sir James remarked sententiously, "And a very
+fine and well-dressed ham you are, sir."</p>
+
+<p>In a breach of promise case Scarlett appeared for
+the defendant, who was supposed to have been cajoled
+into the engagement by the plaintiff's mother, a titled
+lady. The mother, as a witness, completely baffled the
+defendant's clever counsel when under his cross-examination;
+but by one of his happiest strokes of advocacy,
+Scarlett turned his failure into success. "You
+saw, gentlemen of the jury, that I was but a child in
+her hands. <i>What must my client have been?</i>"</p>
+
+<p>Sir James was a noted cross-examiner and verdict-getter,
+but on one occasion he was beaten. Tom Cooke,
+a well-known actor and musician in his day, was a witness
+in a case in which Sir James had him under cross-examination.</p>
+
+<p>Scarlett: "Sir, you say that the two melodies are
+the same, but different; now what do you mean by that,
+sir?"</p>
+
+<p>Cooke: "I said that the notes in the two copies are
+alike, but with a different accent."</p>
+
+<p>Scarlett: "What is a musical accent?"</p>
+
+<p>Cooke: "My terms are nine guineas a quarter, sir."</p>
+
+<p>Scarlett (ruffled): "Never mind your terms here. I
+ask you what is a musical accent? Can you see it?"</p>
+
+<p>Cooke: "No."</p>
+
+<p>Scarlett: "Can you feel it?"</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span></p><p>Cooke: "A musician can."</p>
+
+<p>Scarlett (angrily): "Now, sir, don't beat about the
+bush, but explain to his lordship and the jury, who are
+expected to know nothing about music, the meaning
+of what you call accent."</p>
+
+<p>Cooke: "Accent in music is a certain stress laid
+upon a particular note, in the same manner as you
+would lay stress upon a given word, for the purpose
+of being better understood. For instance, if I were to
+say, 'You are an <i>ass</i>,' it rests on ass, but if I were to
+say, '<i>You</i> are an ass,' it rests on you, Sir James." The
+judge, with as much gravity as he could assume, then
+asked the crestfallen counsel, "Are you satisfied, Sir
+James."&mdash;"The witness may go down," was the counsel's
+reply.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Lord Justice Holt, when a young man, was very dissipated,
+and belonged to a club, most of whose members
+took an infamous course of life. When his lordship
+was engaged at the Old Baily a man was convicted
+of highway robbery, whom the judge remembered to
+have been one of his early companions. Moved by curiosity,
+Holt, thinking the man did not recognise him,
+asked what had become of his old associates. The
+culprit making a low bow, and giving a deep sigh, replied,
+"Oh, my lord, they are all hanged but your lordship
+and I."</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span></p>
+<p>We have already given examples of personalities in
+the retorts of counsel upon members of the Bench,
+and if the same derogatory reflection can be traced in
+the two following anecdotes of judges' retorts on counsel,
+it is at least veiled in finer sarcasm. A nervous
+young barrister was conducting a first case before
+Vice-Chancellor Bacon, and on rising to make his
+opening remarks began in a faint voice: "My lord, I
+must apologise&mdash;er&mdash;I must apologise, my lord"&mdash;"Go
+on, sir," said his lordship blandly; "so far the
+Court is with you." The other comes from an Australian
+Court. Counsel was addressing Chief Justice
+Holroyd when a portion of the plaster of the Court
+ceiling fell, and he stopping his speech for the moment,
+incautiously advanced the suggestion, "Dry rot has
+probably been the cause of that, my lord."&mdash;"I am
+quite of your opinion, Mr. &mdash;&mdash;," observed his lordship.</p>
+
+<p>On the other hand, judges can be severely personal
+at times, and Lord Justice Chitty was almost brutal in
+a case where counsel had been arguing to distraction
+on a bill of sale. "I will now proceed to address myself
+to the furniture&mdash;an item covered by the bill," counsel
+continued. "You have been doing nothing else for the
+last hour," lamented the weary judge.</p>
+
+<p>And Mr. Justice Wills once made a rather cutting
+remark to a barrister. The barrister was, in the judge's
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span>private opinion, simply wasting the time of the Court,
+and, in the course of a long-winded speech, he dwelt
+at quite unnecessary length on the appearance of certain
+bags connected with the case. "They might," he
+went on pompously, "they might have been full bags,
+or they might have been half-filled bags, or they might
+even have been empty bags, or&mdash;."&mdash;"Or perhaps,"
+dryly interpolated the judge, "they might have been
+wind-bags!"</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 292px;">
+<a name="lord_brougham" id="lord_brougham"></a>
+<img src="images/lord_brougham.jpg" width="292" height="390" alt="HENRY BROUGHAM, BARON BROUGHAM AND VAUX, LORD CHANCELLOR." title="" />
+<span class="caption">HENRY BROUGHAM, BARON BROUGHAM AND VAUX, LORD CHANCELLOR.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>When Lord Brougham attained the position of Lord
+Chancellor he was greatly addicted to the habit of
+writing during the course of counsel's argument of the
+case being heard before him. On one occasion this
+practice so annoyed Sir Edward Sugden, whenever he
+noticed it, that he paused in the course of his argument,
+expecting his lordship to stop writing; but the Chancellor,
+without even looking up, remarked, "Go on, Sir
+Edward; I am listening to you."&mdash;"I observe that your
+lordship is engaged in writing, and not favouring me
+with your attention," replied Sir Edward. "I am signing
+papers of mere form," warmly retorted the Chancellor.
+"You may as well say that I am not to blow my
+nose or take snuff while you speak."</p>
+
+<p>When counsel at the Bar, a witness named John
+Labron was thus cross-examined by Brougham at
+York Assizes:</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span></p>
+<p>"What are you?"</p>
+
+<p>"I am a farmer, and malt a little."</p>
+
+<p>"Do you know Dick Strother?"</p>
+
+<p>"No."</p>
+
+<p>"Upon your oath, sir, are you not generally known
+by the name of Dick Strother?"</p>
+
+<p>"That has nothing to do with this business."</p>
+
+<p>"I insist upon hearing an answer. Have you not obtained
+that name?"</p>
+
+<p>"I am sometimes called so."</p>
+
+<p>"Now, Dick, as you admit you are so called, do you
+know the story of the hare and the ball of wax?"</p>
+
+<p>"I have heard it."</p>
+
+<p>"Then pray have the goodness to relate it to the
+judge and the jury."</p>
+
+<p>"I do not exactly remember it."</p>
+
+<p>"Then I will refresh your memory by relating it myself.
+Dick Strother was a cobbler, and being in want of
+a hare for a friend, he put in his pocket a ball of wax
+and took a walk into the fields, where he soon espied
+one. Dick then very dexterously threw the ball of wax
+at her head, where it stuck, which so alarmed poor puss
+that in the violence of her haste she ran in contact with
+the head of another; both stuck fast together, and Dick,
+lucky Dick! caught both. Dick obtained great celebrity
+by telling this wondrous feat, which he always affirmed
+as a truth, and from that every notorious liar in Thor<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span>ner
+bears the title of Dick Strother. Now, Dick&mdash;I
+mean John&mdash;is not that the reason why you are called
+Dick Strother?"</p>
+
+<p>"It may be so."</p>
+
+<p>"Then you may go."</p>
+
+<p>The same turbulent spirit (Lord Brougham) fell
+foul of many other law lords. It is well known that in
+a speech made at the Temple he accused Lord Campbell,
+who had just published his <i>Lives of the Chancellors</i>,
+of adding a new terror to death. Lord Campbell
+tells an amusing story which shows that he could retort
+with effect upon his noble and learned friend. He
+says that he called one morning upon Brougham at his
+house in Grafton Street, who "soon rushed in very
+eagerly, but suddenly stopped short, exclaiming, 'Lord
+bless me, is it you? They told me it was Stanley'; and
+notwithstanding his accustomed frank and courteous
+manner, I had some difficulty in fixing his attention.
+In the evening I stepped across the House to the Opposition
+Bench, where Brougham and Stanley were
+sitting next each other, and, addressing the latter in
+the hearing of the former, I said, 'Has our noble and
+learned friend told you the disappointment he suffered
+this morning? He thought he had a visit from the
+Leader of the Protectionists to offer him the Great
+Seal, and it turned out to be only Campbell come to
+bore him about a point of Scotch law.' <i>Brougham</i>:
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span>'Don't mind what Jack Campbell says; he has a prescriptive
+privilege to tell lies of all Chancellors, dead
+and living.'"</p>
+
+<p>According to the same authority, Brougham was at
+one time very anxious to be made an earl, but his desire
+was entirely quenched when Lord John Russell
+gave an earldom to Lord Chancellor Cottenham. He
+is said to have been so indignant that he either wrote
+or dictated a pamphlet in which the new creation was
+ridiculed, and to which was appended the significant
+motto, "The offence is rank."</p>
+
+<p>The common feeling with regard to Sir James Scarlett's
+(Lord Abinger) success in gaining verdicts led to
+the composition of the following pleasantry, attributed
+to Lord Campbell. "Whereas Scarlett had contrived
+a machine, by using which, while he argued, he could
+make the judges' heads nod with pleasure, Brougham
+in course of time got hold of it; but not knowing how
+to manage it when he argued, the judges, instead of
+nodding, shook their heads."</p>
+
+<p>And it is Lord Campbell who has preserved the following
+specimen of a judge's concluding remarks to a
+prisoner convicted of uttering a forged one-pound note.
+After having pointed out to him the enormity of the
+offence, and exhorted him to prepare for another world,
+added: "And I trust that through the merits and the
+mediation of our Blessed Redeemer, you may there ex<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span>perience
+that mercy which a due regard to the <i>credit of
+the paper currency</i> of the country forbids you to hope
+for here."</p>
+
+<p>Campbell married Miss Scarlett, a daughter of Lord
+Abinger, and was absent from Court when a case in
+which he was to appear was called before Mr. Justice
+Abbot. "I thought, Mr. Brougham," said his lordship,
+"that Mr. Campbell was in this case?"&mdash;"Yes, my lord,"
+replied Mr. Brougham, with that sarcastic look peculiarly
+his own. "He was, my lord, but I understand he is
+ill."&mdash;"I am sorry to hear that, Mr. Brougham," said the
+judge. "My lord," replied Mr. Brougham, "it is whispered
+here that the cause of my learned friend's absence
+is scarlet fever."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 297px;">
+<a name="lord_campbell" id="lord_campbell"></a>
+<img src="images/lord_campbell.jpg" width="297" height="390" alt="JOHN CAMPBELL, BARON CAMPBELL, LORD CHANCELLOR." title="" />
+<span class="caption">JOHN CAMPBELL, BARON CAMPBELL, LORD CHANCELLOR.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>In his native town of Cupar, Fife, Lord Chancellor
+Campbell's abilities and position were not so much appreciated
+as they were elsewhere. This was a sore
+point with his father, who was parish minister, and
+when the son was not selected by the town authorities
+to conduct their legal business in London the
+future Lord Chancellor also felt affronted. On the
+publication of the <i>Lives of the Chancellors</i> some of his
+townsmen wrote asking him to present a copy to the
+local library of his native town, which gave Campbell
+an opportunity to square accounts with them for their
+past neglect of him, for he curtly replied to their re<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span>quest
+that "they could purchase the book from any
+bookseller." An old lady of the town relating some
+gossip about the Campbell family said, "They meant
+John for the Church, but he went to London <i>and got
+on very well</i>." Such was the good lady's idea of the
+relative positions of minister of a Scottish parish and
+Lord Chancellor of England.</p>
+
+<p>The difference in the pronunciation of a word led
+to an amiable contest between Lord Campbell and a
+learned Q.C. In an action to recover damages to a carriage
+the counsel called the vehicle a "brougham," pronouncing
+both syllables of the word. Lord Campbell
+pompously observed, "Broom is the usual pronunciation&mdash;a
+carriage of the kind you mean is not incorrectly
+called a 'Broom'&mdash;that pronunciation is open to
+no grave objection, and it has the advantage of saving
+the time consumed by uttering an extra syllable."
+Later in the trial Lord Campbell alluding to a similar
+case referred to the carriage which had been injured
+as an "Omnibus."&mdash;"Pardon me, my lord," interposed
+the Q.C., "a carriage of the kind to which you draw
+attention is usually termed a 'bus'; that pronunciation
+is open to no grave objection, and it has the great
+advantage of saving the time consumed by uttering
+<i>two</i> extra syllables."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 294px;">
+<a name="sir_samuel_martin" id="sir_samuel_martin"></a>
+<img src="images/sir_samuel_martin.jpg" width="294" height="390" alt="SIR SAMUEL MARTIN, BARON OF EXCHEQUER." title="" />
+<span class="caption">SIR SAMUEL MARTIN, BARON OF EXCHEQUER.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Mr. Martin (afterwards Baron Martin), when at the
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span>Bar, was addressing the Court in an insurance case,
+when he was interrupted by Baron Alderson, who said,
+"Mr. Martin, do you think any office would insure your
+life?"&mdash;"Certainly, my lord," replied Mr. Martin, "mine
+is a very good life."&mdash;"You should remember, Mr. Martin,
+that yours is brief existence."</p>
+
+<p>This judge's reason for releasing a juryman from
+duty was equally smart. The juryman in question
+confessed that he was deaf in one ear. "Then leave
+the box before the trial begins," observed his lordship;
+"it is necessary that the jurymen should hear <i>both</i>
+sides."</p>
+
+<p>Baron Martin was one of the good-natured judges
+who from the following story seem to stretch that amiable
+quality to its fullest extent. In sentencing a man
+convicted of a petty theft he said: "Look, I hardly know
+what to do with you, but you can take six months."&mdash;"I
+can't take that, my lord," said the prisoner; "it's too
+much. I can't take it; your lordship sees I did not steal
+very much after all." The Baron indulged in one of his
+characteristic chuckling laughs, and said: "Well that's
+vera true; ye didn't steal <i>much</i>. Well then, ye can tak'
+<i>four</i>. Will that do&mdash;four months?"&mdash;"No, my lord, but
+I can't take that neither."&mdash;"Then take <i>three</i>."&mdash;"That's
+nearer the mark, my lord," replied the prisoner,
+"but I'd rather you'd make it <i>two</i>, if you'll be so kind."&mdash;"Very
+well then, tak' two," said the judge; "and
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span>don't come again. If you do, I'll give you&mdash;well, it'll all
+depend."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 292px;">
+<a name="lord_chelmsford" id="lord_chelmsford"></a>
+<img src="images/lord_chelmsford.jpg" width="292" height="390" alt="FREDERICK THESIGER, BARON CHELMSFORD, LORD CHANCELLOR." title="" />
+<span class="caption">FREDERICK THESIGER, BARON CHELMSFORD, LORD CHANCELLOR.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Lord Erskine's punning upon legal terms has already
+been noticed, but no better quip is recorded than
+that of Lord Chelmsford, when as Sir Frederick Thesiger,
+and a leader at the Bar, he took exception to the
+irregular examination of a witness by a learned serjeant.
+"I have a right," maintained the serjeant, "to
+deal with my witness as I please."&mdash;"To that I offer no
+objection," retorted Sir Frederick. "You may <i>deal</i> as
+you like, but you shan't <i>lead</i>."</p>
+
+<p>On all occasions Samuel Warren, the author of <i>Ten
+Thousand a Year</i>, was given to boasting, at the Bar
+mess, of his intimacy with members of the peerage.
+One day he was saying that, while dining lately at the
+Duke of Leeds, he was surprised at finding no fish of
+any kind was served. "That is easily accounted for,"
+said Thesiger; "they had probably eaten it all <i>upstairs</i>."</p>
+
+<p>Walking down St. James's Street one day, Lord
+Chelmsford was accosted by a stranger, who exclaimed,
+"Mr. Birch, I believe."&mdash;"If you believe that, sir,
+you'll believe anything," replied his lordship as he
+passed on.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 291px;">
+<a name="sir_alexander_cockburn" id="sir_alexander_cockburn"></a>
+<img src="images/sir_alexander_cockburn.jpg" width="291" height="390" alt="SIR ALEXANDER COCKBURN, BART., LORD CHIEF JUSTICE." title="" />
+<span class="caption">SIR ALEXANDER COCKBURN, BART., LORD CHIEF JUSTICE.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>In the recently published <i>Cockburn Family Records</i>
+the following is told of the Chief Justice's ready wit:</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span></p>
+<p>"At a certain trial an extremely pretty girl was called
+as a witness. The Lord Chief Justice was very particular
+about her giving her full name and address. Of
+course he took note. So did the sheriff's officer! That
+evening they both arrived at the young lady's door
+simultaneously, whereupon Sir Alexander tapped the
+officer on the shoulder, remarking, 'No, no, no, Mr. Sheriff's
+Officer, judgment first, execution afterwards!"</p>
+
+<p>There never was a barrister whose rise at the Bar
+was more rapid or remarkable than that of Sir Alexander
+Cockburn, and along with him was his friend
+and close associate as a brother lawyer of the Crown
+and Bencher of the same Inn, Sir Richard Bethel, who
+became Lord Chancellor a few years after Sir Alexander
+was made Chief Justice. Sir Richard once said to
+his colleague, "My dear fellow, equity will swallow up
+your common law."&mdash;"I don't know about that," said
+Sir Alexander, "but you'll find it rather hard of digestion."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Although the wit of Lord Justice Knight Bruce was
+somewhat sarcastic it was rarely so severe as that of
+Lord Westbury. There was always a tone of good
+humour about it. He had indeed a kind of grave judicial
+waggery, which is well exemplified in the following
+judgment in a separation suit between an attorney and
+his wife. "The Court has been now for several days
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span>occupied in the matrimonial quarrels of a solicitor and
+his wife. He was a man not unaccustomed to the ways
+of the softer sex, for he already had nine children by
+three successive wives. She, however&mdash;herself a widow&mdash;was
+well informed of these antecedents; and it appears
+did not consider them any objection to their
+union; and they were married. No sooner were they
+united, however, than they were unhappily disunited
+by unhappy disputes as to her property. These disputes
+disturbed even the period usually dedicated to
+the softer delights of matrimony, and the honeymoon
+was occupied by endeavours to induce her to exercise
+a testamentary power of appointment in his favour.
+She, however, refused, and so we find that in due
+course, at the end of the month, he brought home with
+some disgust his still intestate bride. The disputes
+continued, until at last they exchanged the irregular
+quarrels of domestic strife for the more disciplined
+warfare of Lincoln's Inn and Doctors Commons."</p>
+
+<p>Of this judge the story is told that a Chancery counsel
+in a long and dry argument quoted the legal maxim&mdash;<i>expressio
+unius est exclusio alterius</i>&mdash;pronouncing
+the "i" in <i>unius</i> as short as possible. This roused his
+lordship from the drowsiness into which he had been
+lulled. "Unyus! Mr. &mdash;&mdash;? We always pronounced
+that <i>unius</i> at school."&mdash;"Oh yes, my lord," replied the
+counsel; "but some of the poets use it short for the
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span>sake of the metre."&mdash;"You forget, Mr. &mdash;&mdash;," rejoined
+the judge, "that we are prosing here."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Mr. Justice Willes was a judge of kindly disposition,
+and when he had to convey a rebuke he did so in some
+delicate and refined way like this. A young barrister
+feeling in a hobble, wished to get out of it by saying,
+"I throw myself on your lordship's hands."&mdash;"Mr. &mdash;&mdash;,
+I decline the burden," replied the learned judge.</p>
+
+<p>One day in judge's chambers, after being pressed by
+counsel very strongly against his own views, he said
+with quaint humour: "I'm one of the most obstinate
+men in the world."&mdash;"God forbid that I should be
+so rude as to contradict your lordship," replied the
+counsel.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Montague Williams in his <i>Leaves of a Life</i> relates
+the following story of Mr. Justice Byles. He was
+once hearing a case in which a woman was charged
+with causing the death of her child by not giving it
+proper food, or treating it with the necessary care.
+Mr. F&mdash;&mdash;, of the Western Circuit, conducted the
+defence, and while addressing the jury said:</p>
+
+<p>"Gentlemen, it appears to be impossible that the
+prisoner can have committed this crime. A mother
+guilty of such conduct to her own child? Why, it is
+repugnant to our better feelings"; and then being carried
+away by his own eloquence, he proceeded: "Gen<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span>tlemen,
+the beasts of the field, the birds of the air,
+suckle their young, and&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>But at this point the learned judge interrupted him,
+and said:</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. F&mdash;&mdash;, if you establish the latter part of your
+proposition, your client will be acquitted to a certainty."</p>
+
+<p>And to the same authority we are indebted for a
+judge's gentle but sarcastic reproof of a prosing counsel.
+In an action for false imprisonment, heard before
+Mr. Justice Wightman, Ribton was addressing the
+jury at great length, repeating himself constantly, and
+never giving the slightest sign of winding up. When
+he had been pounding away for several hours, the good
+old judge interposed, and said: "Mr. Ribton, you've
+said that before."&mdash;"Have I, my lord?" said Ribton;
+"I'm very sorry. I quite forgot it."&mdash;"Don't apologise,
+Mr. Ribton," was the answer. "I forgive you; for it
+was a very long time ago."</p>
+
+<p>A very old story is told of a highwayman who sent
+for a solicitor and inquired what steps were necessary
+to be taken to have his trial deferred. The solicitor
+answered that he would require to get a doctor's affidavit
+of his illness. This was accordingly done in the
+following manner: "The deponent verily believes that
+if the said &mdash;&mdash; is obliged to take his trial at the ensuing
+sessions, he will be in imminent danger of his
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span>life."&mdash;"I verily believe so too," replied the judge, and
+the trial proceeded immediately.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Some judges profess ignorance of slang terms used
+in evidence, and seek explanation from counsel. Lord
+Coleridge in the following story had his inquiry not
+only answered but illustrated. A witness was describing
+an animated conversation between the pursuer and
+defendant in a case and said: "Then the defendant
+turned and said, 'If 'e didn't 'owld 'is noise 'ed knock
+'im off 'is peark.'"&mdash;"Peark? Mr. Shee, what is meant
+by peark?" asked the Lord Chief Justice. "Oh, peark,
+my lord, is any position when a man elevates himself
+above his fellows&mdash;for instance, a bench, my lord."</p>
+
+<p>Another story illustrating this alleged ignorance of
+every-day terms used by the masses comes from the
+Scottish Court of Session. In this instance the explanation
+was volunteered by the witness who used
+the term. One of the counsel in the case was Mr. (now
+Lord) Dewar, who was cross-examining the witness on
+a certain incident, and drew from him the statement
+that he (the witness) had just had a "nip." "A nip,"
+said the judge; "what is a nip?"&mdash;"Only a small Dewar,
+my lord," explained the witness.</p>
+
+<p>Lord Russell of Killowen, himself a Lord Chief Justice,
+tells some amusing stories of Lord Coleridge in
+his interesting reminiscences of that great judge in the
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span><i>North American Review</i>. When at the Bar he was
+counsel in a remarkable case&mdash;Saurin against Starr.
+The pursuer, an Irish lady, sued the Superior of a religious
+order at Hull for expulsion without reasonable
+cause. Mr. Coleridge cross-examined a Mrs. Kennedy,
+one of the superintendents of the convent, who had
+mentioned in her evidence, among other peccadilloes
+of the pursuer, that she had been found in the pantry
+eating strawberries, when she should have been attending
+some class duties.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Coleridge: "Eating strawberries, really!"</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Kennedy: "Yes, sir, she was eating strawberries."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Coleridge: "How shocking!"</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Kennedy: "It was forbidden, sir."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Coleridge: "And did you, Mrs. Kennedy, really
+consider there was any great harm in that?"</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Kennedy: "No, sir, not in itself, any more
+than there was harm in eating an apple; but you know,
+sir, the mischief that came from that."</p>
+
+<p>When as Lord Chief Justice, Lord Coleridge visited
+the United States, he was continually pestered by interviewers,
+and one of them failing to draw him, began
+to disparage the old country in its physical features
+and its men. Lord Coleridge bore it all in good part;
+finally the interviewer said, "I am told, my lord, you
+think a great deal of your great fire of London. Well,
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span>I guess, that the conflagration we had in the little village
+of Chicago made your great fire look very small."
+To which his lordship blandly responded: "Sir, I have
+every reason to believe that the great fire of London
+was quite as great as the people of that time desired."</p>
+
+<p>There are few of Lord Bowen's witticisms from the
+Bench in circulation, but his after-dinner stories are
+worth recording, and perhaps one of the best is that
+given in <i>Anecdotes of the Bench and Bar</i>, as told by
+himself in the following words: "One of the ancient
+rabbinical writers was engaged in compiling a history
+of the minor prophets, and in due course it became his
+duty to record the history of the prophet Daniel. In
+speaking of the most striking incident in the great
+man's career&mdash;I refer to his critical position in the den
+of lions&mdash;he made a remark which has always seemed
+to me replete with judgment and observation. He said
+that the prophet, notwithstanding the trying circumstances
+in which he was placed, had one consolation
+which has sometimes been forgotten. He had the consolation
+of knowing that when the dreadful banquet
+was over, at any rate it was not he who would be called
+upon to return thanks."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>The following story cannot be classed a witticism
+from the Bench, but the judge clearly gave the opening
+for the lady's smart retort.</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span></p>
+<p>Mrs. Weldon, a well-known lady litigant in the
+Courts a generation ago, was on one occasion endeavouring
+in the Court of Appeal to upset a judgment of
+Vice-Chancellor Bacon, and one ground of complaint
+was that the judge was too old to understand her case.
+Thereupon Lord Esher said: "The last time you were
+here you complained that your case had been tried by
+my brother Bowen, and you said he was only a bit of a
+boy, and could not do you justice. Now you come here
+and say that my brother Bacon was too old. What age
+do you want the judge to be?"&mdash;"Your age," promptly
+replied Mrs. Weldon, fixing her bright eyes on the
+handsome countenance of the Master of the Rolls.</p>
+
+<p>On Charles Phillips, who became a judge of the Insolvent
+Court, noticing a witness kiss his thumb instead
+of the Testament, after rebuking him said, "You
+may think to <i>desave</i> God, sir, but you won't desave
+me."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 289px;">
+<a name="sir_henry_hawkins" id="sir_henry_hawkins"></a>
+<img src="images/sir_henry_hawkins.jpg" width="289" height="390" alt="SIR HENRY HAWKINS, LORD BRAMPTON." title="" />
+<span class="caption">SIR HENRY HAWKINS, LORD BRAMPTON.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>That racy and turf-attending judge, Lord Brampton,
+better known as Sir Henry Hawkins, tells many good
+stories of himself in his <i>Reminiscences</i>, but it is the
+unconscious humorist of Marylebone Police Court who
+records this <i>bon mot</i> of Sir Henry.</p>
+
+<p>An old woman in the witness-box had been rattling
+on in the most voluble manner, until it was impossible
+to make head or tail of her evidence. Mr. Justice Haw<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span>kins,
+thinking he would try his hand, began with a
+soothing question, but the old woman would not have
+it at any price. She replied testily, "It's no use you
+bothering me. I have told you all I know."&mdash;"That may
+be," replied his lordship, "but the question rather is,
+do you know all you have told us?"</p>
+
+<p>When Sir Henry (then Mr.) Hawkins was prosecuting
+counsel in the Tichborne trial, over which Lord
+Chief Justice Cockburn presided, an amusing incident
+is recorded by Mr. Plowden. The antecedents of a man
+who had given sensational evidence for the claimant
+were being inquired into, and in answer to Sir Henry
+the witness under examination said he knew the man
+to be married, but his wife passed under another name.
+"What name?" asked Mr. Hawkins. "Mrs. Hawkins,"
+replied the witness. "What was her maiden name?"
+added Mr. Hawkins. "Cockburn." Such a coincident of
+names naturally caused hearty and prolonged laughter.</p>
+
+<p>In the course of this celebrated trial another amusing
+incident occurred which Sir Henry used to tell
+against himself. One morning as the claimant came
+into Court, a lady dressed in deep mourning presented
+Orton with a tract. After a few minutes he wrote something
+on it, and had it passed on to the prosecuting
+counsel. The tract was boldly headed in black type,
+"Sinner&mdash;Repent," and the claimant had written upon
+it, "Surely this must have been meant for Hawkins."</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span></p>
+<p>Not long after he had ascended the Bench Mr. Justice
+Hawkins was hearing a case in which a man was
+being tried for murder. The counsel for the prosecution
+observed the prisoner say something earnestly to
+the policeman seated by his side in the dock, and asked
+that the constable should be made to disclose what had
+passed. "Yes," said his lordship, "I think you may demand
+that. Constable, inform the Court what passed
+between you and the prisoner."&mdash;"I&mdash;I would rather
+not, your lordship. I was&mdash;."&mdash;"Never mind what you
+would rather not do. Inform the Court what the prisoner
+said."&mdash;"He asked me, your lordship, who that
+hoary heathen with the sheepskin was, as he had often
+seen him at the race-course."&mdash;"That will do," said
+his lordship. "Proceed with the case."</p>
+
+<p>An action for damages against a fire insurance company,
+brought by some Jews, was heard before Chief
+Justice Cockburn, which clearly was a fraudulent claim.
+The plaintiffs claimed for loss of ready-made clothes
+in the fire. Hawkins, who appeared for the defendant
+company, elicited the fact that ready-made clothes
+in this firm had all brass buttons as a rule; and, further,
+that after sifting the debris of the fire no buttons had
+been found. The trial was not concluded on that day,
+but on the following morning hundreds of buttons
+partially burnt were brought into Court by the Jew
+plaintiffs. Cockburn was not long in appreciating this
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span>mode of furnishing evidence after its necessity had
+been pointed out, and he asked: "How do you account
+for these buttons, Mr. Hawkins? You said none were
+found."&mdash;"Up to last night none had been found," replied
+Hawkins. "But," said the Chief Justice&mdash;"but
+these buttons have evidently been burnt in the fire.
+How do they come here?"&mdash;"<i>On their own shanks</i>,"
+was Hawkins' smart and ready reply. Verdict for defendants.</p>
+
+<p>The alibi has come in for its fair share of jests. Sir
+Henry Hawkins relates in his <i>Reminiscences</i> how he
+once found the following in his brief: "If the case is
+called on before 3.15, the defence is left to the ingenuity
+of the counsel; if after that hour, the defence is an
+alibi, as by then the usual alibi witnesses will have returned
+from Norwich, where they are at present professionally
+engaged."</p>
+
+<p>Sitting as a vacation judge, Sir Walter Phillimore,
+whose views on the law of divorce are well known,
+protested against being called on to make absolute a
+number of decrees <i>nisi</i> granted in the Divorce Division.
+This fact is said to have called forth a witty pronouncement
+by a late president of that Division of the Courts.
+"Here is my brother Phillimore, who objects to making
+decrees <i>nisi</i> absolute because he believes in the sanctity
+of the marriage tie. By and by we may be having
+a Unitarian appointed to the Bench, and he will refuse
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span>to try Admiralty suits, as he would have to sit with
+Trinity Masters."</p>
+
+<p>In sentencing a burglar recently, the judge referred
+to him as a "professional," to which the prisoner
+strongly protested from the dock. "Here," he exclaimed,
+"I dunno wot you mean by callin' me a professional
+burglar. I've only done it once before, an' I've been
+nabbed both times." The judge, in the most suave
+manner, replied, "Oh, I did not mean to say that you
+had been very successful in your profession."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 294px;">
+<a name="justice_grantham" id="justice_grantham"></a>
+<img src="images/justice_grantham.jpg" width="294" height="390" alt="THE HON. MR JUSTICE GRANTHAM, JUDGE OF THE KING&#39;S BENCH DIVISION." title="" />
+<span class="caption">THE HON. MR JUSTICE GRANTHAM, JUDGE OF THE KING&#39;S BENCH DIVISION.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Mr. Justice Grantham had a keen sense of humour.
+On one occasion, when he was judge at the Newcastle
+Assizes, he left the mansion-house where he was staying,
+at night, to post his letters. As he was wearing a
+cap he was not recognised by the police officer who
+was on duty outside, and the constable inquired of his
+lordship if "the old &mdash;&mdash; had gone to bed yet." The
+judge replied that he thought not, and a short while
+after he had returned to the house he raised his bedroom
+window, and putting out his head called to the
+constable below: "Officer, the old &mdash;&mdash; is just going to
+bed now."<br /><br /></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 291px;">
+<a name="justice_darling" id="justice_darling"></a>
+<img src="images/justice_darling.jpg" width="291" height="390" alt="THE HON. MR JUSTICE DARLING, JUDGE OF THE KING&#39;S BENCH DIVISION." title="" />
+<span class="caption">THE HON. MR JUSTICE DARLING, JUDGE OF THE KING&#39;S BENCH DIVISION.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Hardly a case of any importance comes into Mr. Justice
+Darling's Court without attracting a large attendance
+of the public, as much from expectation of being
+entertained by the repartees between Bench and Bar
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span>as from interest in the proceedings before the Court.
+In a recent turf libel case his lordship gave a free rein
+to his proclivity to give an amusing turn to statements
+of both counsel and witnesses. At one point he
+intervened by remarking that other witnesses than the one
+under examination had said that a horse is made fit by
+running on the course before he is expected to win a
+position, and added, "That is so, not only on the race-course.
+You can never make a good lawyer by putting
+him to read in the library." To which the defendant,
+who conducted his own case, replied, "But I take it a
+barrister does try."&mdash;"You have no notion how he tries
+the judge," responded Mr. Justice Darling. In the same
+case a question arose as to whether the stewards of
+the Jockey Club had the power to check riding "short,"
+as it is termed, and the Justice inquired if the stewards
+could say, "You must ride with a leather of a prescribed
+length," and got the answer, "Yes; they could say if
+you don't ride longer we won't give you a license."&mdash;"Which
+means," said the judge, "if you don't ride
+longer you won't ride long."</p>
+
+<p>"Who made the translation from the German?"
+asked the same judge, regarding a document to which
+counsel had referred. "God knows; I don't," was the
+reply of Mr. Danckwerts. "Are you sure," responded
+the Justice, "that what is not known to you is known
+at all?"</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span></p>
+<p>Perhaps Mr. Justice Darling never raised heartier
+laughter than in an action some years ago where the
+issue was whether the plaintiff, who had been engaged
+by the defendant to sing in "potted opera" at a music-hall,
+was competent to fulfil his contract.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, he could not sing like the archangel Gabriel,"
+a witness had said, in reply to Mr. Duke, K. C.</p>
+
+<p>"I have never heard the archangel Gabriel," commented
+the eminent counsel.</p>
+
+<p>"That, Mr. Duke, is a pleasure to come," was his
+lordship's swift, if gently sarcastic, rejoinder.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>If witnesses occasionally undergo severe handling
+in cross-examination by counsel, there are also occasions
+when their ready reply has rather nonplussed
+the judge.</p>
+
+<p>A case was being tried at York before Mr. Justice
+Gould. When it had proceeded for upwards of two
+hours the judge observed that there were only eleven
+jurymen in the box, and inquired where the twelfth
+man was. "Please you, my lord," said one of them,
+"he has gone away about some business, but he has
+left his verdict with me."</p>
+
+<p>"How old are you?" asked the judge of a lady witness.
+"Thirty."&mdash;"Thirty!" said the judge; "I have
+heard you give the same age in this Court for the last
+three years."&mdash;"Yes," responded the lady; "I am not
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span>one of those persons who say one thing to-day and another
+to-morrow."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Justice Keating one day had occasion to examine
+a witness who stuttered very much in giving his
+evidence. "I believe," said his lordship, "you are a very
+great rogue."&mdash;"Not so great a rogue as you, my lord&mdash;t&mdash;t&mdash;t&mdash;t&mdash;take
+me to be," was the reply.</p>
+
+<p>Judge: "Is this your signature?"</p>
+
+<p>Witness: "I don't know."</p>
+
+<p>Judge: "Look at it carefully."</p>
+
+<p>Witness: "I can't say for certain."</p>
+
+<p>Judge: "Is it anything like your writing?"</p>
+
+<p>Witness: "I don't think it is."</p>
+
+<p>Judge: "Can't you identify it?"</p>
+
+<p>Witness: "Not quite."</p>
+
+<p>Judge: "Well, let me see, just write your name here
+and I will examine the two signatures."</p>
+
+<p>Witness: "I can't write, sir."</p>
+
+<p>Medical men are not as a rule the best witnesses, being
+too fond of using technical words peculiar to them
+in their own profession. In an action for assault tried
+by a Derbyshire common jury before Mr. Justice Patteson,
+a surgical witness was asked to describe the injuries
+the plaintiff had received; he stated he had "ecchymosis"
+of the left eye. Upon the judge inquiring
+whether that did not mean what was commonly understood
+by a black eye, the witness answered: "Yes."<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span>&mdash;"Then
+why did you not say so, sir? What do the jury
+know of 'ecchymosis'? They might think, as the farmer
+did of the word 'felicity,' used by a clergyman in his
+sermon, that it meant something in the inside of a pig."</p>
+
+<p>A notorious thief, being tried for his life, confessed
+the robbery he was charged with. The judge thereupon
+directed the jury to find him guilty upon his own confession.
+The jury having consulted together brought
+him in "Not guilty." The judge bade them consider
+their verdict again, but still they brought in a verdict
+of "Not guilty." The judge asking the reason, the foreman
+replied: "There is reason enough, for we all know
+him to be one of the greatest liars in the country."</p>
+
+<p>"Have you committed all these crimes?" asked the
+judge of a hoary old sinner. "Yes, my lord, and worse."
+"Worse, I should have thought it impossible. What
+have you done then?"&mdash;"My lord, I allowed myself to
+be caught."</p>
+
+<p>"I knows yer," said a prisoner to the present Lord
+Chief Justice, "and many's the time I've given yer a
+hand when ye've been stepping it round the track like
+a greyhound. So let's down lightly, like a good cove
+as yer are."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>The retort of a witness to Lord Avory was too good
+to be soon forgotten, and is still circulating among the
+juniors of the law-courts. "Let me see," said his lord<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span>ship,
+"you have been convicted before, haven't you?"&mdash;"Yes,
+sir," answered the man; "but it was due to
+the incapacity of my counsel rather than to any fault
+on my part."&mdash;"It always is," said Lord Avory, with a
+grim smile, "and you have my sincere sympathy."&mdash;"And
+I deserve it," retorted the man, "seeing that you
+were my counsel on that occasion!"</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span></p>
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_TWO" id="CHAPTER_TWO"></a>CHAPTER TWO<br />
+THE BARRISTERS OF ENGLAND<br /><br /></h2>
+
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="poetryblock">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Hark the hour of ten is sounding!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Hearts with anxious fears are bounding;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Hall of Justice crowds surrounding,<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Breathing hope and fear.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For to-day in this arena<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Summoned by a stern subp&oelig;na,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Edwin sued by Angelina<br /></span>
+<span class="i4">Shortly will appear."<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Sir <span class="smcap">W. S. Gilbert</span>: <i>Trial by Jury</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+<p><br /></p>
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"As your Solicitor, I should have no hesitation in saying: Chance
+it&mdash;&mdash;"</span></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Sir <span class="smcap">W. S. Gilbert</span>: <i>The Mikado</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>CHAPTER TWO<br />
+THE BARRISTERS OF ENGLAND</h2>
+
+
+
+
+<p>From the middle of the thirteenth
+century the senior rank to which a barrister could attain
+at the Bar was that of serjeant-at-law, and from
+that body, which existed until 1875, the judges were
+selected. If a barrister below the rank of serjeant was
+invited to take a seat on the Bench he invariably conformed
+to the recognised custom and "took the coif"&mdash;became
+a serjeant-at-law&mdash;before he was sworn as
+one of his (or her) Majesty's judges. This explains
+the term "brother" applied by judges when addressing
+serjeants pleading before them in Court. "Taking
+the coif" had a curious origin. It was customary in
+very early times for the clergy to add to their clerical
+duties that of a legal practitioner, by which considerable
+fees were obtained, and when the Canon law forbade
+them engaging in all secular occupations the remuneration
+they had obtained from the law-courts
+proved too strong a temptation to evade the new law.
+They continued therefore to practise in the Courts, and
+to hide their clerical identity they concealed the tonsure
+by covering the upper part of their heads with a
+black cap or coif. When ultimately clerical barristers
+were driven from the law-courts, the "coif" or black
+patch on the crown of a barrister's wig became the
+symbol of the rank of serjeant-at-law. That this distinguishing
+mark has been, in later years, occasionally
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span>misunderstood is illustrated in the story of Serjeant
+Allen and Sir Henry Keating, Q.C., who were opposed
+to one another in a case before the Assize Court at
+Stafford. During the hearing of the case a violent altercation
+had taken place between them, but when the
+Court rose they left the building together, walking
+amicably to their lodgings. Two men who had been in
+Court and had heard their wrangle were following behind
+them, when one said to the other: "If you was in
+trouble, Bill, which o' them two tip-top 'uns would you
+have to defend you?"&mdash;"Well, Jim," was the reply,
+"I should pitch upon this 'un," pointing to the Q.C.
+"Then you'd be a fool," said his companion; "the fellow
+with the <i>sore head</i> is worth six of t'other 'un."</p>
+
+<p>There used to be a student joke against the serjeants.
+"Why is a serjeant's speech like a tailor's
+goose?"&mdash;"Because it is hot and heavy."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>"Taking silk," or becoming a K.C. and a senior at
+the Bar, originated at a much later date than that of
+serjeant-at-law. Lord Bacon was the first to be recognised
+as Queen's Counsel, but this distinction arose
+from his position as legal adviser to Queen Elizabeth,
+and did not indicate the existence of a senior
+body (as K.C. does now) among the barristers of that
+period. The institution of the rank dates from the days
+of Charles II, when Sir Francis North, Lord Guildford,
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span>was created King's Counsel by a writ issued under
+the Great Seal. As was customary in the case of a
+barrister proposing to "take the coif," so in that of
+one proposing to "take silk"; he intimates to the seniors
+already holding the rank that he intends to apply for
+admission to the body. A story is current in the Temple
+that when Mr. Justice Eve "took silk" the usual
+notification of his intention was sent to the seniors,
+and from one of them he received the following reply:
+"My dear Eve, whether you wear silk or a fig-leaf, I
+do not care.&mdash;A Dam."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Our selection of faceti&aelig; of the English Bar, therefore,
+naturally opens with stories of the serjeants-at-law,
+and one of the best-known members of that body
+in early days was Serjeant Hill, a celebrated lawyer,
+who was also somewhat remarkable for absence of
+mind, which was attributed to the earnestness with
+which he devoted himself to his professional duties.</p>
+
+<p>On the very day when he was married, he had an
+intricate case on hand, and forgot his engagement,
+until reminded of his waiting bride, and that the legal
+time for performing the ceremony had nearly elapsed.
+He then quitted law for the church; after the ceremony,
+the serjeant returned to his books and his papers,
+having forgotten the <i>cause</i> he had been engaged in
+during the morning, until again reminded by his clerk
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span>that the assembled company impatiently awaited his
+presence at dinner.</p>
+
+<p>Being once on Circuit, and having occasion to refer
+to a law authority, he had recourse, as usual, to his bag;
+but, to the astonishment of the Court, instead of a volume
+of Viner's abridgment, he took out a specimen
+candlestick, the property of a Birmingham traveller,
+whose bag Serjeant Hill had brought into Court by
+mistake.</p>
+
+<p>A learned serjeant kept the Court waiting one morning
+for a few minutes. The business of the Court commenced
+at nine. "Brother," said the judge, "you are
+behind your time this morning. The Court has been
+waiting for you."&mdash;"I beg your lordship's pardon,"
+replied the serjeant; "I am afraid I was longer than
+usual in dressing."&mdash;"Oh," returned the judge, "I can
+dress in five minutes at any time."&mdash;"Indeed!" said
+the learned brother, a little surprised for the moment;
+"but in that my dog Shock beats your lordship hollow,
+for he has nothing to do but to shake his coat, and
+thinks himself fit for any company."</p>
+
+<p>Serjeant Davy, when at the height of his professional
+career, once received a large brief on which a fee of two
+guineas only was marked on the back. His client asked
+him if he had read the brief. Pointing with his finger
+to the fee, Davy replied: "As far as that I have read,
+and for the life of me I can read no further." Of the
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span>same eminent serjeant in his earlier years an Old
+Baily story is told. Judge Gould, who presided, asked:
+"Who is concerned for the prisoner?"&mdash;"I am concerned
+for him, my lord," said Davy, "and very much
+concerned after what I have just heard."</p>
+
+<p>If Serjeant Davy was concerned about his client,
+Serjeant Miller had no such scruple about the man
+charged with horse stealing whom he successfully defended,
+although the evidence convinced the judge and
+everybody in the Court that there ought to have been a
+conviction. When the trial was over and the prisoner
+had been acquitted, the judge said to him: "Prisoner,
+luckily for you, you have been found Not Guilty by the
+jury, but you know perfectly well you stole that horse.
+You may as well tell the truth, as no harm can happen
+to you now by a confession, for you cannot be tried
+again. Now tell me, did you not steal that horse?"
+"Well, my lord," replied the man, "I always thought
+I did, until I heard my counsel's speech, but now I
+begin to think I didn't."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>In the days of "riding" and "driving circuit," and
+even later, the Circuit mess was a very popular institution
+with circuiteers, and was made the occasion of
+much merriment. After the table had been cleared a
+fictitious charge would be made against one of the barristers
+present, and a mock tribunal was immediately
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span>constituted before which he was arraigned and his case
+duly set forth with all solemnity. The victim was invariably
+fined&mdash;generally in wine, which had to be paid
+at once, and consumed before the company retired to
+bed. On one such occasion Serjeant Prime, who is represented
+as a good-natured but rather dull man, and
+as a barrister wearisome beyond comparison, was engaged
+in an important case in an over-crowded courtroom.
+He had been speaking for three hours, when a
+boy, seated on a beam above the heads of the audience,
+overcome by the heat and the serjeant's monotonous
+tones, fell asleep, and, losing his balance, tumbled down
+on the people below. The incident was made the subject
+of a charge against the serjeant at the mess, and he
+was duly sentenced to pay a fine of two dozen of wine,
+which he did with the greatest good humour.</p>
+
+<p>Serjeant Wilkins, on one occasion, on defending a
+prisoner, said: "Drink has upon some an elevating,
+upon others a depressing, effect; indeed, there is a report,
+as we all know, that an eminent judge, when at
+the Bar, was obliged to resort to heavy drinking in the
+morning, to reduce himself to the level of the judges."
+Lord Denman, the judge, who had no love for Wilkins,
+bridled up instantly. His voice trembled with indignation
+as he uttered the words: "Where is the report,
+sir? Where is it?" There was a death-like silence.
+Wilkins calmly turned round to the judge and said:
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span>"It was burnt, my lord, in the Temple fire." The effect
+of this was considerable, and it was a long time before
+order could be restored, but Lord Denman was one of
+the first to acknowledge the wit of the answer.</p>
+
+<p>Difference of manner or temperament sometimes
+gives point to the collisions which occasionally occur
+in Court between rival counsel. Serjeant Wilkins, who
+had an inflated style of oratory, was once opposed in
+a case to Serjeant Thomas, whose manner of delivery
+was lighter and more lively. On the conclusion of a
+heavy bombardment of ponderous Johnsonian sentences
+from the former, Thomas rose, and, with his
+eyes fixed on his opponent, prefaced his address to the
+jury with the words, delivered with much solemnity of
+manner and intonation: "And now the hurly-burly's
+done."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Dunning was defending a gentleman in an action
+brought from <i>crim. con.</i> with the plaintiff's wife. The
+chief witness for the plaintiff was the lady's maid, a
+clever, self-composed person, who spoke confidently
+as to seeing the defendant in bed with her mistress.
+Dunning, on rising to cross-examine her, first made her
+take off her bonnet, that they might have a good view
+of her face, but this did not discompose her, as she
+knew she was good-looking. He then arranged his
+brief, solemnly drew up his shirt sleeves, and then be<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span>gan:
+"Are you sure it was not your master you saw in
+bed with your mistress?"&mdash;"Perfectly sure."&mdash;"What,
+do you pretend to say you can be certain when the head
+only appeared from the bedclothes, and that enveloped
+in a nightcap?"&mdash;"Quite certain."&mdash;"You have often
+found occasion, then, to see your master in his
+nightcap?"&mdash;"Yes&mdash;very frequently."&mdash;"Now, young
+woman, I ask you, on your solemn oath, does not your
+master occasionally go to bed with you?"&mdash;"Oh, that
+trial does not come on to-day, Mr. Slabberchops!" replied
+the witness. A loud shout of laughter followed,
+and Lord Mansfield leaned back to enjoy it, and then
+gravely leaned forward and asked if Mr. Dunning had
+any more questions to put to the witness. No answer
+was given, and none were put. The same counsel,
+when at the height of his large practice at the Bar, was
+asked how he got through all his work. He replied: "I
+do one-third of it; another third does itself; and I don't
+do the remaining third."</p>
+
+<p>A witness under severe cross-examination by Serjeant
+Dunning was repeatedly asked if he did not live
+close to the Court. On admitting that he did, the further
+question was put, "And pray, sir, for what reason did
+you take up your residence in that place?"&mdash;"To avoid
+the rascally impertinence of dunning," came the ready
+answer.</p>
+
+<p>A barrister's name once gave a witness the opport<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span>unity
+to score in the course of a severe cross-examination.
+Missing was the leader of his Circuit and was defending
+his client charged with stealing a donkey. The
+prosecutor had left the donkey tied up to a gate, and
+when he returned it was gone. "Do you mean to say,"
+said counsel, "the donkey was stolen from the gate?"&mdash;"I
+mean to say, sir," said the witness, giving the
+judge and then the jury a sly look, at the same time
+pointing to the counsel, "the ass was missing."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Mr. Clarke, a leader of the Midland Circuit, was a
+very worthy lawyer of the old school. A client long refusing
+to agree to refer to arbitration a cause which
+judge, jury, and counsel wished to get rid of, he at last
+said to him, "You d&mdash;d infernal fool, if you do not
+immediately follow his lordship's recommendation, I
+shall be obliged to use strong language to you." Once,
+in a council of the Benchers of Lincoln's Inn, the same
+gentleman very conscientiously opposed their calling
+a Jew to the Bar. Some tried to point out the hardship
+to be imposed upon the young gentleman, who had
+been allowed to keep his terms, and whose prospects
+in life would thus be suddenly blasted. "Hardship!"
+said the zealous churchman, "no hardship at all! Let
+him become a Christian, and be d&mdash;d to him!"</p>
+
+<p>It is sometimes imagined by laymen that verdicts
+may be obtained by the trickery of counsel. Doubtless
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span>counsel may try to throw dust in the eyes of jurors,
+but they are not very successful. Lord Campbell tells
+a story of Clarke, who by such tactics brought a case
+to a satisfactory compromise. The attorney, coming to
+him privately, said, "Sir, don't you think we have got
+very good terms? But you rather went beyond my instructions."&mdash;"You
+fool!" retorted Clarke; "how do
+you suppose you could have got such terms if I had
+stuck to your instructions."</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 291px;">
+<a name="john_adolphus" id="john_adolphus"></a>
+<img src="images/john_adolphus.jpg" width="291" height="390" alt="JOHN ADOLPHUS, BARRISTER." title="" />
+<span class="caption">JOHN ADOLPHUS, BARRISTER.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>In the biography of John Adolphus, a famous criminal
+lawyer, we are told that the judges of his time were
+much impressed with the following table of degrees.
+"The three degrees of comparison in a lawyer's progress
+are: getting on; getting on-er (honour); getting
+on-est (honest)." He declared the judges acknowledged
+much truth in the degrees. The third degree
+in Mr. Adolphus' table reminds us of the story of
+the farmer who was met by the head of a firm of solicitors,
+who inquired the name of a plant the farmer
+was carrying. "It's a plant," replied the latter, "that
+will not grow in a lawyer's garden; it is called honesty."</p>
+
+<p>One night, walking through St. Giles's by way of a
+short cut towards home, an Irish woman came up to
+Mr. Adolphus. "Why, Misther Adolphus! and who'd a'
+thought of seeing you in the Holy Ground?"&mdash;"And
+how came you to know who I am?" said Adolphus.
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span>"Lord bless and save ye, sir! not know ye? Why, I'd
+know ye if ye was boiled up in a soup!"</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Montagu Chambers was counsel for a widow
+who had been put in a lunatic asylum, and sued the
+two medical men who signed the certificate of her insanity.
+The plaintiff's case was to prove that she was
+not addicted to drinking, and that there was no pretence
+for treating hers as a case of <i>delirium tremens</i>.
+Dr. Tunstal, the last of plaintiff's witnesses, described
+one case in which he had cured a patient of <i>delirium
+tremens</i> in a <i>single night</i>, and he added, "It was a case
+of gradual drinking, <i>sipping all day</i> from morning till
+night." These words were scarcely uttered when Mr.
+Chambers rose in triumph, and said, "My lord, that is
+<i>my case</i>."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>On the Northern Circuit a century ago, there was a
+famous barrister who was familiarly known among his
+brother advocates as Jack Lee. He was engaged in
+examining one Mary Pritchard, of Barnsley, and began
+his examination with, "Well, Mary, if I may credit
+what I hear, I may venture to address you by the name
+of Black Moll."&mdash;"Faith you may, mister lawyer, for I
+am always called so by the blackguards." On another
+occasion he was retained for the plaintiff in an action
+for breach of promise of marriage. When the consultation
+took place, he inquired whether the lady for
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span>whose injury he was to seek redress was good-looking.
+"Very handsome indeed, sir," was the assurance of
+her attorney. "Then, sir," replied Lee, "I beg you
+will request her to be in Court, and in a place where
+she can be seen." The attorney promised compliance,
+and the lady, in accordance with Lee's wishes, took
+her seat in a conspicuous place, where the jury could
+see her. Lee, in addressing the jury, did not fail to insist
+with great warmth on the "abominable cruelty"
+which had been exercised towards "the highly attractive
+and modest girl who trusted her cause to their
+discernment"; and did not sit down until he had succeeded
+in working upon their feelings with great and,
+as he thought, successful effect. The counsel on the
+other side, however, speedily broke the spell with
+which Lee had enchanted the jury, by observing that
+"his learned friend, in describing the graces and
+beauty of the plaintiff, ought in common fairness not
+to have concealed from the jury the fact that the lady
+had a <i>wooden leg</i>!" The Court was convulsed with
+laughter at this discovery, while Lee, who was ignorant
+of this circumstance, looked aghast; and the jury,
+ashamed of the influence that mere eloquence had had
+upon them, returned a verdict for the defendant.</p>
+
+<p>Justice Willes, the son of Chief Justice Willes, had
+an offensive habit of interrupting counsel. On one
+occasion an old practitioner was so irritated by this
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span>practice that he retorted sharply by saying, "Your
+lordship doubtless shows greater acuteness even than
+your father, the Chief Justice, for he used to understand
+me <i>after I had done</i>, but your lordship understands
+me even <i>before I have begun</i>."</p>
+
+<p>Of Whigham, a later leader on the Northern Circuit,
+an amusing story used to be told. He was defending a
+prisoner, and opened an alibi in his address to the jury,
+undertaking to prove it by calling the person who had
+been in bed with his client at the time in question, and
+deprecating their evil opinion of a woman whose moral
+character was clearly open to grave reproach, but who
+was still entitled to be believed upon her oath. Then
+he called "Jessie Crabtree." The name was, as usual,
+repeated by the crier, and there came pushing his way
+sturdily through the crowd a big Lancashire lad in his
+rough dress, who had been the prisoner's veritable
+bedfellow&mdash;Whigham's brief not having explained to
+him that the Christian name of his witness was, in this
+case, a male one.</p>
+
+<p>Colman, in his <i>Random Records</i>, tells the following
+anecdote of the witty barrister, Mr. Jekyll. One day
+observing a squirrel in Colman's chambers, in the
+usual round cage, performing the same operation as
+a man in a tread-mill, and looking at it for a minute,
+exclaimed, "Oh! poor devil, he's going the Home
+Circuit."</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span></p>
+<p>Jekyll was asked why he no longer spoke to a lawyer
+named Peat; to which he replied, "I choose to
+give up his acquaintance&mdash;I have common of turbary,
+and have a right to cut <i>peat</i>!" An impromptu of his
+on a learned serjeant who was holding the Court of
+Common Pleas with his glittering eye, is well known:</p>
+
+<div class="poetryblock">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Behold the serjeant full of fire,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Long shall his hearers rue it,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">His purple garments <i>came</i> from Tyre,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">His arguments <i>go to it</i>."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+</div>
+
+<p>Mr. H. L. Adam, in his volume <i>The Story of Crime</i>,
+tells an amusing story of a prisoner whose counsel had
+successfully obtained his acquittal on a charge of brutal
+assault. A policeman came across a man one night
+lying unconscious on the pavement, and near by him
+was an ordinary "bowler" hat. That was the only clue
+to the perpetrator of the deed. The police had their
+suspicions of a certain individual, whom they proceeded
+to interrogate. In addition to being unable to give a
+satisfactory account of his movements on the night of
+the assault, it was found that the "bowler" hat in question
+fitted him like a glove. He was accordingly arrested
+and charged with the crime, the hat being the
+chief evidence against him. Counsel for the defence,
+however, dwelt so impressively on the risk of accepting
+such evidence that the jury brought in a verdict of
+"not proven," and the prisoner was discharged. Be<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span>fore
+leaving the dock he turned to the judge, and
+pointing to the hat in Court, said, "My lord, may I 'ave
+my 'at."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Some amusing scenes have occurred in suits brought
+by tailors and dressmakers to recover the price of
+garments for which their customers have declined to
+pay on the ground of misfit. Serjeant Ballantine, in
+his <i>Experiences of a Barrister</i>, relates the case of a
+tailor in which the defendant was the famous Sir
+Edwin Landseer. It was tried in the Exchequer Court,
+before Baron Martin. "The coat was produced," says
+the serjeant, "and the judge suggested that Sir Edwin
+should try it on; he made a wry face, but consented,
+and took off his own upper garment. He then put an
+arm into one of the sleeves of that in dispute, and made
+an apparently ineffectual endeavour to reach the other,
+following it round amidst roars of laughter from all
+parts of the Court. It was a common jury, and I was
+told that there was a tailor upon it, upon which I suggested
+that there was a gentleman of the same profession
+as the plaintiff in Court who might assist Sir
+Edwin. This was acceded to, and out hopped a little
+Hebrew slop-seller from the Minories, to whom the
+defendant submitted his body. With difficulty he got
+into the coat, and then stood as if spitted, his back one
+mass of wrinkles. The tableau was truly amusing; the
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span>indignant plaintiff looking at the performance with
+mingled horror and disgust; Sir Edwin, as if he were
+choking; whilst the juryman, with the air of a connoisseur,
+was examining him and the coat with profound
+gravity. At last the judge, when able to stifle his
+laughter, addressing the little Hebrew, said, 'Well,
+Mr. Moses, what do you say?'&mdash;'Oh,' cried he, holding
+up a pair of hands not over clean, and very different
+from those encased in lavender gloves which graced
+the plaintiff, 'it ish poshitively shocking, my lord; I
+should have been ashamed to turn out such a thing
+from my establishment.' The rest of the jury accepted
+his view, and Sir Edwin, apparently relieved from suffocation,
+entered his own coat with a look of relief,
+which again convulsed the Court, bowed, and departed."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Financial prosecutions are as a rule very dreary,
+and any little joke perpetrated by counsel during the
+course of them is a relief. One was being heard, in
+which Mr. Muir was counsel, and to many of his statements
+the junior counsel for the prosecution shook his
+head vehemently, although he said nothing. This continual
+dumb contradiction at length got on the customary
+patience of Mr. Muir, who blurted out: "I do not
+know why my friend keeps shaking his head, whether
+it is that he has palsy, or that there's nothing in it!"</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span></p>
+<p>Mr. Baldwin was the counsel employed to oppose a
+person justifying bail in the Court of King's Bench.
+After some common questions, a waggish counsel sitting
+near suggested that the witness should be asked
+as to his having been a prisoner in Gloucester gaol.
+Mr. Baldwin thereon boldly asked: "When, sir, were
+you last in Gloucester gaol?" The witness, a respectable
+tradesman, with astonishment declared that he
+never was in a gaol in his life. Mr. Baldwin being
+foiled after putting the question in various ways, turned
+round to his friendly prompter, and asked for what
+the man had been imprisoned. He was told that it was
+for suicide. Thereupon Mr. Baldwin, with great gravity
+and solemnity addressed the witness: "Now, sir, I
+ask you upon your oath, and remember that I shall
+have your words taken down, were you not imprisoned
+in Gloucester gaol for suicide?"</p>
+
+<p>A young lawyer who had just "taken the coif," once
+said to Samuel Warren, the author of <i>Ten Thousand
+a Year</i>: "Hah! Warren, I never could manage to get
+quite through that novel of yours. What did you do
+with Oily Gammon?"&mdash;"Oh," replied Warren, "I
+made a serjeant of him, and of course he never was
+heard of afterwards."</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 299px;">
+<a name="samuel_warren" id="samuel_warren"></a>
+<img src="images/samuel_warren.jpg" width="299" height="390" alt="SAMUEL WARREN, Q.C., MASTER IN LUNACY." title="" />
+<span class="caption">SAMUEL WARREN, Q.C., MASTER IN LUNACY.</span>
+</div>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Warner Sleigh, a great thieves' counsel, was not
+debarred by etiquette from taking instructions dir<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span>ect
+from his clients. One day, following a rap on the
+door of his chambers in Middle Temple Lane, a thick-set
+man, with cropped poll of unmistakably Newgate
+cut, slunk into the room, when the following colloquy
+took place.</p>
+
+<p>"Mornin', sir," said the man, touching his forelock.
+"Morning," replied counsel. "What do you want?"&mdash;"Well,
+sir, I'm sorry to say, sir, our little Ben, sir,
+has 'ad a misfortin'; fust offence, sir, only a 'wipe'&mdash;"&mdash;"Well,
+well!" interrupted counsel. "Get on."&mdash;"So,
+sir, we thought as you've 'ad all the family business
+we'd like you to defend 'im, sir."&mdash;"All right," said
+counsel; "see my clerk&mdash;."&mdash;"Yessir," continued
+the thief; "but I thought I'd like to make sure you'd
+attend yourself, sir; we're anxious, 'cos it's little Ben,
+our youngest kid."&mdash;"Oh! that will be all right. Give
+Simmons the fee."&mdash;"Well, sir," continued the man,
+shifting about uneasily, "I was going to arst you, sir,
+to take a little less. You see, sir (wheedlingly), it's
+little Ben&mdash;his first misfortin'."&mdash;"No, no," said the
+counsel impatiently. "Clear out!"&mdash;"But, sir, you've
+'ad all our business. Well, sir, if you won't, you won't,
+so I'll pay you now, sir." And as he doled out the
+guineas: "I may as well tell you, sir, you wouldn't 'a'
+got the 'couties' if I 'adn't 'ad a little bit o' luck on
+the way."</p>
+
+<p>The gravity of the Court of Appeal was once seri<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span>ously
+disturbed by Edward Bullen reading to them
+the following paragraph from a pleading in an action
+for seduction: "The defendant denies that he is the
+father of the said twins, <i>or of either of them</i>." This he
+apologetically explained was due to an accident in his
+pupil-room, but everyone recognised the style of the
+master-hand.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Serjeant Adams, who acted as assistant judge at
+the sessions, had a very pleasant wit, and knew how
+to deal with any counsel who took to "high-falutin."
+On one occasion, after an altercation with the judge,
+the counsel for the prisoner in his address to the jury
+reminded them that "they were the great palladium of
+British Liberty&mdash;that it was <i>their</i> province to deal
+with the facts, the <i>judge</i> with the law&mdash;that they formed
+one of the great institutions of their country, and
+that they came in with William the Conqueror."
+Adams at the end of his summing up said: "Gentlemen,
+you will want to retire to consider your verdict,
+and as it seems you came in with the Conqueror you
+can now go out with the beadle."</p>
+
+<p>There was always a mystery how Edwin James,
+who at the Bar was earning an income of at least
+&pound;10,000 a year, was continually in monetary difficulties.
+Like Sir Thomas Lawrence, he must have
+had some private drain on his resources which was
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span>never disclosed. Among others who suffered was the
+landlord of his chambers, whose rent was very much
+in arrear. In the end the landlord hit upon a plan to
+discover which would be the best method of recovering
+his rent, and one day asked James to advise him
+on a legal matter in which he was interested, and
+thereupon drew up a statement of his grievance against
+his own tenant. The paper was duly returned to the
+landlord next day with the following sentence subjoined:
+"In my opinion this is a case which admits of
+only one remedy&mdash;patience. Edwin James."</p>
+
+<p>In a case before Lord Campbell, James took a line
+with a witness which his lordship considered quite inadmissible,
+and stopped him. When summing up to
+the jury Lord Campbell thought to soften his interruption
+by saying: "You will have observed, gentlemen,
+that I felt it my duty to stop Mr. Edwin James
+in a certain line which he sought to adopt in the cross-examination
+of one of the witnesses; but at the same
+time I had no intention to cast any reflection on the
+learned counsel who I am sure is known to you all as
+a most able&mdash;" but before his lordship could proceed
+any further James interposed, and in a contemptuous
+voice exclaimed: "My lord, I have borne your lordship's
+censure, spare me your lordship's praise."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Mr. W. G. Thorpe, F.S.A., in his entertaining vol<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span>ume
+of <i>Middle Temple Table Talk</i>, relates a curious
+story of a judge taking an extremely personal interest
+in a case which was brought before him. A milk company
+had sold off a lot of old stock to a cake-maker,
+and the cake-maker had declined to pay because the
+milk had turned out to be poisonous. As the case went
+on the judge became more and more exercised. "What
+do they do with this stuff?" he asked, pointing to a
+mass of horrible mixture. "Oh, my lord, they make
+cakes of it; it doesn't taste in the cakes."&mdash;"Where do
+they sell these cakes?" was the judge's next question,
+and the reply was, "They are used for certain railway
+stations, school-treats, and excursions." Then the defendant
+specified one of the places. "Bless me!" said
+the judge, turning an olive-green, "I had some there
+myself," and with a shudder he retired to his private
+room, returning in a few minutes wiping his mouth.</p>
+
+<p>There is another story of a counsel defending a
+woman on a charge of causing the death of her husband
+by administering a poisoned cake to him. "I'll
+eat some of the cake myself," he said in Court, and took
+a bite. Just at this moment a telegram was brought to
+him to say that his wife was seriously ill, and he obtained
+permission to leave in order to answer the message.
+He returned, finished his speech, and obtained
+the acquittal of his client. It transpired afterwards
+that the telegram business was arranged in order that
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span>counsel could obtain an emetic after swallowing the
+cake.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Mr. Montagu Williams tells a story, in his interesting
+<i>Leaves of a Life</i>, of two members of the Bar, one
+of whom had made a large fortune by his practice, but
+worked too hard to enjoy his gains, while the other,
+who only made a decent living, liked to enjoy life. They
+met on one occasion at the end of a long vacation, and
+the rich man asked his less fortunate brother what he
+had been doing. "I have been on the Continent," the
+other replied, "and I enjoyed my holiday very much.
+What have you been doing?"&mdash;"I have been working,"
+said the rich Q.C., "and have not been out of town;
+I had lots of work to do."&mdash;"What is the use of
+it?" queried the other; "you can't carry the money
+with you when you die; and if you could, <i>it would
+soon melt</i>."</p>
+
+<p>From the same work we take the following story of
+Serjeant Ballantine. On one occasion he was acting in
+a case with a Jewish solicitor, and it happened that
+one of the hostile witnesses also belonged to the same
+race. Just as the serjeant was about to examine him,
+the solicitor whispered in Ballantine's ear: "Ask him
+as your first question, if he isn't a Jew."&mdash;"Why, but
+you're a Jew yourself," said the serjeant in some surprise.
+"Never mind, never mind," replied the little
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span>solicitor eagerly. "Please do&mdash;just to prejudice the
+jury."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 291px;">
+<a name="lord_romilly" id="lord_romilly"></a>
+<img src="images/lord_romilly.jpg" width="291" height="390" alt="JOHN ROMILLY, BARON ROMILLY, MASTER OF THE ROLLS." title="" />
+<span class="caption">JOHN ROMILLY, BARON ROMILLY, MASTER OF THE ROLLS.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>No collection of the wit and humour of the Bar
+would be complete without some specimens of Sir
+Frank Lockwood's racy sayings. From Mr. Augustine
+Birrell's <i>Life of Lockwood</i> we quote the following:</p>
+
+<p>"A tale is attached to Lockwood's first brief. It was
+on a petition to the Master of the Rolls for payment
+out of Court of a sum of money; and Lockwood appeared
+for an official liquidator of a company whose
+consent had to be obtained before the Court would
+part with the fund. Lockwood was instructed to consent,
+and his reward was to be three guineas on the
+brief and one guinea for consultation. The petition
+came on in due course before Lord Romilly, and was
+made plain to him by counsel for the petitioner, and
+still a little plainer by counsel for the principal respondent.</p>
+
+<p>"Then up rose Lockwood, an imposing figure, and
+indicated his appearance in the case.</p>
+
+<p>"'What brings <i>you</i> here?' said Lord Romilly, meaning,
+I presume, 'Why need I listen to you?'</p>
+
+<p>"Lockwood looking puzzled, Lord Romilly added a
+little testily, 'What do you come here for?'</p>
+
+<p>"The answer was immediate, unexpected, and, accompanied
+as it was by a dramatic glance at the out<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span>side
+of his brief, as if to refresh his memory, triumphant,
+'Three and one, my lord!'"</p>
+
+<p>"The following letter is to Mrs. Atkinson:</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>
+<span class="smcap">1 Hare Court, Temple, E.C., London.</span>
+<i>September 18, '72.</i>
+</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">My Dear Loo</span>,&mdash;I trust it is well with yourself,
+John, and the childer.... It is an off-day. We are
+resting on our legal oars after a prolonged and determined
+struggle yesterday. Know! that near our native
+hamlet is the level of Hatfield Chase, whereon are
+numerous drains. Our drain (speaking from the Corporation
+of Hatfield Chase point of view) we have
+stopped, for our own purposes. Consequently, the adjacent
+lands have been flooded, are flooded, and will
+continue to be flooded. The landed gentry wish us to
+remove our dam, saying that if we don't they won't be
+worth a d&mdash;n. We answer that we don't care a d&mdash;n.</p>
+
+<p>This interesting case has been simmering in the
+law-courts since 1820. The landed gentry got a verdict
+in their favour at the last Lincoln Assizes, but
+find themselves little the better, as we have appealed,
+and our dam still reigns triumphant. Yesterday an
+application was made to the judge to order our dam to
+be removed. In the absence of Mellor, I donned my
+forensic armour and did battle for the Corporation.
+After two hours' hard fighting, we adjourned for a
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span>week; in the meantime the floods may rise, and the
+winds blow. The farmers yelled with rage when they
+heard that the dam had got a week's respite. I rather
+fancy that they will yell louder on Tuesday, as I hope
+to win another bloodless victory. It is a pretty wanton
+sport, the cream of the joke being that the dam is no
+good to us or to anybody else, and we have no real objection
+to urge against its removal, excepting that such
+a measure would be informal, and contrary to the law
+as laid down some hundred years ago by an old gentleman
+who never heard of a steam-engine, and who
+would have fainted at the sight of a telegraph post. As
+we have the most money on our side, I trust we shall
+win in the end. None of this useful substance, however,
+comes my way, as it is Mellor's work. But I hope
+to reap some advantage from it, both as to experience
+and introduction. I make no apology for troubling you
+with this long narration. I wish it to sink into your
+mind, and into that of your good husband. Let it be a
+warning to you and yours. And never by any chance
+become involved in any difficulties which will bring
+you into a court of law of higher jurisdiction than a
+police court. An occasional 'drunk and disorderly'
+will do you no harm, and only cost you 5<i>s.</i> Beyond a
+little indulgence of this kind&mdash;beware! In all probability
+I shall be in the North in a few weeks. Sessions
+commence next month. I will write to the Mum this
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span>week.&mdash;With best love to all, I am, Your affectionate
+brother,</p>
+
+<p>
+<span class="smcap">Frank Lockwood</span>."<br />
+</p></div>
+
+<p>"Mr. Mellor vouches for the following story, which,
+as it illustrates Lockwood's humour and had gone the
+round of the newspapers, I will tell. It is the ancient
+custom of the new Lord Mayor of London, attended by
+the Recorder and Sheriffs, to come into the law-courts
+and be introduced to the Lord Chief Justice or, if he is
+not there, to the senior judge to be found on the premises,
+and, after a little lecture from the Bench, to return
+good for evil by inviting the judges to dinner, only to
+receive the somewhat chilling answer, 'Some of their
+lordships will attend.' On this occasion the ceremony
+was over, and the Lord Mayor and his retinue was retiring
+from the Court, when his lordship's eye rested
+on Lockwood, who in a new wig was one of the throng
+by the door. 'Ah, my young friend!' said the Lord
+Mayor in a pompous way (for in those days there was
+no London County Council to teach Lord Mayors humility);
+'picking up a little law, I suppose?' Lockwood
+had his answer ready. With a profound bow, he replied:
+'I shall be delighted to accept your lordship's
+hospitality. I think I heard your lordship name seven
+as the hour.' The Lord Mayor hurried out of Court,
+and even the policeman (and to the police Lord Mayors
+are almost divine) shook with laughter."</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span></p>
+<p>Counsel sometimes find their position so weak that
+their only hope of damaging the other side lies in ridiculing
+their witnesses. Serjeant Parry on one occasion
+was defending a client against a claim for breach of
+promise of marriage made a few hours after a chance
+meeting in Regent Street. According to the lady's
+story the introduction had been effected through the
+gentleman offering to protect her from a dog. In course
+of cross-examination Parry said: "You say you were
+alarmed at two dogs fighting, madam?"&mdash;"No, no, it
+was a single dog," was the reply. "What you mean, madam,"
+retorted Parry, "is that there was only one dog;
+but whether it was a single dog or a married dog you
+are not in a position to say." With this correction it need
+not be wondered that the lady had little more to say.</p>
+
+<p>A learned counsellor in the midst of an affecting appeal
+in Court on a slander case delivered himself of the
+following flight of genius. "Slander, gentlemen, like a
+boa constrictor of gigantic size and immeasurable proportions,
+wraps the coil of its unwieldy body about
+its unfortunate victim, and, heedless of the shrieks of
+agony that come from the utmost depths of its victim's
+soul, loud and reverberating as the night thunder that
+rolls in the heavens, it finally breaks its unlucky neck
+upon the iron wheel of public opinion; forcing him first
+to desperation, then to madness, and finally crushing
+him in the hideous jaws of mortal death."</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span></p>
+<p>Talking of his early days at the Bar, Mr. Thomas
+Edward Crispe, in <i>Reminiscences of a K.C.</i>, relates how
+on one occasion he was opposed by a somewhat eccentric
+counsel named Wharton, known in his day as the
+"Poet of Pump Court." The case was really a simple
+one, but Wharton made so much of it that when the
+luncheon half-hour came the judge, Mr. Justice Archibald,
+with some emphasis, addressing Mr. Wharton,
+said: "We will now adjourn, and, Mr. Wharton, I hope
+you will take the opportunity of conferring with your
+friend Mr. Crispe and settling the matter out of Court."</p>
+
+<p>But Wharton would not agree to this, and when at
+last he had to address the jury, he, in the course of his
+speech, made the following remarks, for every word
+of which Mr. Crispe vouches:</p>
+
+<p>"Gentlemen, I think it only courteous to the learned
+judge to refer to the advice his lordship gave me to
+settle the matter out of Court. That reminds me of a
+case, tried in a country court, in an action for detention
+of a donkey. The plaintiff was a costermonger and the
+defendant a costermonger; they conducted the case in
+person. At one o'clock the judge said: 'Now, my men,
+I'm going to have my lunch, and before I come back
+I hope you'll settle your dispute out of Court.' When
+he returned the plaintiff came in with a black eye and
+the defendant with a bleeding nose, and the defendant
+said: 'Well, your honour, we've taken your honour's
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span>advice; Jim's given me a good hiding, and I've given
+him back his donkey.'"</p>
+
+<p>Mr. F. E. Smith, M.P., tells a story of a County
+Court case he was once engaged in, in which the
+plaintiff's son, a lad of eight years, was to appear as a
+witness.</p>
+
+<p>When the youngster entered the box he wore boots
+several sizes too large, a hat that almost hid his face,
+long trousers rolled up so that the baggy knees were
+at his ankles, and, to complete the picture, a swallow-tail
+coat that had to be held to keep it from sweeping
+the floor. This ludicrous picture was too much for the
+Court; but the judge, between his spasms of laughter,
+managed to ask the boy his reason for appearing in
+such garb.</p>
+
+<p>With wondering look the lad fished in an inner
+pocket and hauled the summons from it, pointing out
+a sentence with solemn mien as he did so: "To appear
+in his father's suit" it read.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>There have been few readier men in retort than the
+late Mr. Francis Oswald, the author of <i>Oswald on
+Contempt of Court</i>. After a stiff breeze in a Chancery
+Court, the judge snapped out, "Well, I can't teach you
+manners, Mr. Oswald."&mdash;"That is so, m'lud, that is so,"
+replied the imperturbable one. On another occasion,
+an irascible judge observed, "If you say another word,
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span>Mr. Oswald, I'll commit you."&mdash;"That raises another
+point&mdash;as to your lordship's power to commit counsel
+engaged in arguing before you," was the cool answer.</p>
+
+<p>The author of <i>Pie Powder</i> in his entertaining volume,
+tells us that he was once dining with a barrister who
+had just taken silk. In the course of after-dinner talk,
+the new K.C. invited his friend to tell him what he
+considered was his (the K.C.'s) chief fault in style. After
+some considerable hesitation his friend admitted that
+he thought the K.C. erred occasionally in being too
+long. This apparently somewhat annoyed the K.C.,
+and his friend feeling he had perhaps spoken too freely,
+thought he would smooth matters by inviting similar
+criticism of himself from the K.C., who at once replied,
+"My dear boy, I don't think really you have any fault.
+<i>Except, you know, you are so d&mdash;d offensive.</i>"</p>
+
+<p>A judge and a facetious lawyer conversing on the
+subject of the transmigration of souls, the judge said,
+"If you and I were turned into a horse and an ass,
+which of them would you prefer to be?"&mdash;"The ass, to
+be sure," replied the lawyer.&mdash;"Why?"&mdash;"Because,"
+replied the lawyer, "I have heard of an ass being a
+judge, but of a horse, never."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 289px;">
+<a name="serjeant_talfourd" id="serjeant_talfourd"></a>
+<img src="images/serjeant_talfourd.jpg" width="289" height="390" alt="SERJEANT TALFOURD." title="" />
+<span class="caption">SERJEANT TALFOURD.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>In some cases counsel receive answers to questions
+which they had no business to put, and these, if not
+quite to their liking, are what they justly deserve. The
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span>following story of George Clarke, a celebrated negro
+minstrel, is a case in point. On one occasion, when
+being examined as a witness, he was severely interrogated
+by a lawyer. "You are in the minstrel business,
+I believe?" inquired the lawyer. "Yes, sir," was the
+reply. "Is not that rather a low calling?"&mdash;"I don't
+know but what it is, sir," replied the minstrel; "but it
+is so much better than my father's that I am rather
+proud of it." The lawyer fell into the trap. "What
+was your father's calling?" he inquired. "He was a
+lawyer," replied Clarke, in a tone that sent the whole
+Court into a roar of laughter as the discomfited lawyer
+sat down.</p>
+
+<p>At the Durham Assizes an action was tried which
+turned out to have been brought by one neighbour
+against another for a trifling matter. The plaintiff was
+a deaf old lady, and after a pause the judge suggested
+that the counsel should get his client to compromise
+it, and to ask her what she would take to settle it. Very
+loudly counsel shouted out to his client: "His lordship
+wants to know what you will take?" She at once
+replied: "I thank his lordship kindly, and if it's no ill
+convenience to him, I'll take a little <i>warm ale</i>."</p>
+
+<p>A tailor sent his bill to a lawyer, and a message to
+ask for payment. The lawyer bid the messenger tell his
+master that he was not running away, and was very
+busy at the time. The messenger returned and said
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span>he must have the money. The lawyer testily answered,
+"Did you tell your master that I was not running
+away?"&mdash;"Yes, I did, sir; but he bade me tell you that
+<i>he was</i>."</p>
+
+<p>A well-known barrister at the criminal Bar, who
+prided himself upon his skill in cross-examining a witness,
+had an odd-looking witness upon whom to operate.
+"You say, sir, that the prisoner is a thief?"&mdash;"Yes,
+sir&mdash;'cause why, she confessed it."&mdash;"And you also
+swear she did some repairs for you subsequent to the
+confession?"&mdash;"I do, sir."&mdash;"Then," giving a knowing
+look at the Court, "we are to understand that you employ
+dishonest people to work for you, even after their
+rascalities are known?"&mdash;"Of course! How else could
+I get assistance from a lawyer?"&mdash;"Stand down!"
+shouted the man of law.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>At Worcester Assizes, a cause was tried as to the
+soundness of a horse, and a clergyman had been a witness,
+who gave a very confused account of the transaction,
+and the matters he spoke to. A blustering
+counsel on the other side, after many attempts to get
+at the facts, said: "Pray, sir, do you know the difference
+between a horse and a cow?"&mdash;"I acknowledge
+my ignorance," replied the clergyman. "I hardly know
+the difference between a horse and a cow, or between a
+bully and a bull. Only a bull, I am told, has horns, and
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span>a bully," bowing respectfully to the counsel, "<i>luckily
+for me, has none</i>."</p>
+
+<p>"In Court one day," says Mr. W. Andrews in <i>The
+Lawyer</i>, "I heard the following sharp encounter between
+a witness and an exceedingly irascible old-fashioned
+solicitor who, among other things, hated
+the modern custom of growing a beard or moustache.
+He himself grew side-whiskers in the most approved
+style of half a century ago. "Speak up, witness," he
+shouted, "and don't stand mumbling there. If you
+would shave off that unsightly moustache we might be
+better able to hear what was coming out of your lips."
+"And if you, sir," said the witness quietly, "would
+shave off those side-whiskers you would enable my
+words to reach your ears.""</p>
+
+<p>"My friend," said an irritable lawyer, "you are an
+ass."&mdash;"Do you mean, sir," asked the witness, "that I
+am your friend because I am an ass, or an ass because
+I am your friend?"</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Counsel sometimes comes to grief in dealing with
+experts. "Do you," asked one of a scientist, "know of a
+substance called Sulphonylic Diazotised Sesqui Oxide
+of Aldehyde?" and he looked round triumphantly.
+"Certainly," came the reply. "It is analogous in diatomic
+composition of Para Sulpho Benzine Azode
+Methyl Aniline in conjunction with Phehekato<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span>line."
+Counsel said he would pursue the matter no
+further.</p>
+
+<p>An action was brought by the owner of a donkey
+which was forced against a wall by a waggon and
+killed. The driver of the donkey was the chief witness,
+and was much bullied by Mr. Raine, the defendant's
+counsel, so that he lost his head and was reprimanded
+by the judge for not giving direct answers, and looking
+the jury in the face. Mr. Raine had a powerful
+cast in his eye, which probably heightened the poor
+fellow's confusion; and he continued to deal very severely
+with the witness, reminding him again and
+again of the judge's caution, saying: "Hold up your
+head, man: look up, I say. Can't you hold up your
+head, fellow? Can't you look as I do?" The witness,
+with much simplicity, at once answered, "I can't, you
+squint." On re-examination, Serjeant Cockle for the
+plaintiff, seeing gleams of the witness's recovery from
+his confusion, asked him to describe the position of
+the waggon and the donkey. After much pressing, at
+last he said, "Well, my lord judge, I'll tell you as how
+it happened." Turning to Cockle, he said, "You'll
+suppose ye are the wall."&mdash;"Aye, aye, just so, go on.
+I am the wall, very good."&mdash;"Yes, sir, you are the
+wall." Then changing his position a little, he said, "I
+am the waggon."&mdash;"Yes, very good; now proceed, you
+are the waggon," said the judge. The witness then
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span>looked to the judge, and hesitating at first, but with a
+low bow and a look of sudden despair, said, "And
+your lordship's the ass!"</p>
+
+<p>Serjeant Cockle, who had a rough, blustering manner,
+once got from a witness more than he gave. In
+a trial of a right of fishery, he asked the witness:
+"Dost thou love fish?"&mdash;"Aye," replied the witness,
+with a grin, "but I donna like cockle sauce with it."
+The learned serjeant was not pleased with the roar of
+laughter which followed the remark.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Mr. H. L. Adam in <i>The Story of Crime</i> says he remembers
+a very amusing incident in one of our police
+courts. A prisoner had engaged a solicitor to defend
+him, and while the latter was speaking on his behalf
+he suddenly broke in with, "Why, he dunno wot the
+devil he's talking abaht!" Thereupon the magistrate
+informed him that if he was dissatisfied with his advocate's
+capabilities, he could, if he chose, defend himself.
+This he elected to do, and in the end was acquitted,
+the magistrate remarking that had the case been
+left to counsel he would unquestionably have been
+convicted.</p>
+
+<p>In cross-examining a witness, says Judge Parry in
+<i>What the Judge Saw</i>, who had described the effects
+of an accident, was confronted by counsel with his
+statement, and asked, "But hadn't you told the doctor
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span>that your thigh was numb and had no feeling?"&mdash;"What's
+the good o' telling him anything," replied
+the witness. "That's where doctor made a mistake. I
+told 'im I was numb i' front, and what does he do but
+go and stick a pin into my back-side. 'E's no doctor."</p>
+
+<p>From the same source is the following story. Another
+man was testifying to an accident that had occurred
+to him at the works where he was employed.
+It was sought to prove that his testimony was false
+because he had a holiday that day, and this poser was
+put to him: "Do you mean to tell the Court that you
+came to work when you might have been enjoying a
+holiday?"&mdash;"Certainly."&mdash;"Why did you do that?"
+The reply was too obviously truthful. "What should
+I do? I have nowhere to go. I'm teetotal now."</p>
+
+<p>A Jew had been condemned to be hanged, and was
+brought to the gallows along with a fellow prisoner;
+but on the road, before reaching the place of execution,
+a reprieve arrived for the Jew. When informed of this,
+it was expected that he would instantly leave the cart
+in which he was conveyed, but he remained and saw
+his fellow prisoner hanged. Being asked why he did
+not at once go about his business, he said, "He was
+waiting to see if he could bargain with Mr. Ketch for
+the <i>other gentleman's clothes</i>!"</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span></p><p>A sign-painter presented his bill to a lawyer for payment.
+After examining it the lawyer said, "Do you expect
+any painter will go to heaven if they make such
+charges as these?"&mdash;"I never heard of but one that
+went," said the painter, "and he behaved so badly
+that they determined to turn him out, but there being
+no lawyer present to draw up the Writ of Ejectment,
+he remained."</p>
+
+<p>This must be the lawyer who, being refused entrance
+to heaven by St. Peter, contrived to throw his
+hat inside the door; and then, being permitted to go
+and fetch it, took advantage of the Saint being fixed to
+his post as doorkeeper and refused to come back again.</p>
+
+<p>A solicitor who was known to occasionally exceed
+the limit at lunch betrayed so much unsteadiness that
+the magistrate quickly observed, "I think, Mr. &mdash;&mdash;,
+you are not quite well, perhaps you had a little too
+much wine at lunch."&mdash;"Quite a mistake, your worship,"
+hiccoughed Mr. &mdash;&mdash;. "It was brandy and
+water."</p>
+
+<p>The son-in-law of a Chancery barrister having succeeded
+to the lucrative practice of the latter, came one
+morning in breathless haste to inform him that he had
+succeeded in bringing nearly to its termination a cause
+which had been pending in the Court for several years.
+Instead of obtaining the expected congratulations of
+the retired veteran of the law, his intelligence was received
+with indignation. "It was by this suit," ex<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span>claimed
+he, "that my father was enabled to provide for
+me, and to portion your wife, and with the exercise of
+common prudence it would have furnished you with
+the means of providing handsomely for your children
+and grandchildren."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_THREE" id="CHAPTER_THREE"></a>CHAPTER THREE<br />
+THE JUDGES OF IRELAND</h2>
+
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="poetryblock">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"So slow is justice in its ways<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Beset by more than customary clogs,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Going to law in these expensive days<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Is much the same as going to the dogs."<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Willock</span>: <i>Legal Faceti&aelig;</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+</div>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>CHAPTER THREE<br />
+THE JUDGES OF IRELAND</h2>
+
+
+<p>In the days of Queen Anne corruption
+was rife among Irish judges, as it was also among
+members of the Scottish Bench at an earlier period,
+and it was not uncommon to find the former concurring
+in Privy Council reports issued contrary to evidence.
+Within the area of the Munster Circuit in the early
+years of the eighteenth century a petition was signed
+and presented to Parliament by clergy, resident gentry,
+and others in the district, because Lord Chancellor
+Phipps refused to be influenced in his decision of cases
+coming before him, and had thereby incurred the displeasure
+of a certain section of the Irish Parliament.
+Even a Lord Chief Justice was not above taking a gift;
+and in this connection O'Flanagan in <i>The Munster
+Circuit</i> tells a story of Chief Justice Pyne, who was a
+great cattle-breeder and owner of valuable stock. One
+day before starting for Cork Assizes to try a case in
+which a Mr. Weller and a Mr. Nangle were concerned,
+he received a visit from the former's steward, who had
+been sent with a herd of twenty-five splendid heifers
+for his lordship. The judge was highly pleased, and returned
+by the steward a gracious message of thanks to
+his master. On the way to Cork the Chief Justice's
+coach was stopped by a drove of valuable shorthorns
+on the road. Looking out, his lordship demanded of the
+drover, "Whose beasts are these, my man?"&mdash;"They
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span>belong, please your honour, to a great gentleman of
+these parts, Judge Pyne, your honour," replied the
+man. "Indeed," cried the Chief Justice in much surprise,
+"and where are you taking them now?"&mdash;"They
+are grazing in my master Mr. Nangle's farm, your honour;
+and as the Assizes are coming on at Cork my
+master thought the judge might like to see that he took
+good care of them, so I'm taking them to Waterpark
+(his lordship's estate) to show to the judge." The judge
+felt the delicacy of Mr. Nangle's mode of giving his
+present, and putting a guinea in the drover's hand
+said, "As your master has taken such good care of my
+cattle, I will take care of him." When the case came
+on it appeared at first that the judge favoured the
+plaintiff, Mr. Weller, but as it proceeded he changed
+his views and finally decided for the defendant, Mr.
+Nangle. On arriving home the judge's first question
+was, "Are the cattle all safe?"&mdash;"Perfectly, my lord."&mdash;"Where
+are the beasts I received on leaving for the
+Cork Assizes?"&mdash;"They are where you left them, my
+lord."&mdash;"Where I left them&mdash;that is impossible," exclaimed
+the judge. "I left them on the road." The steward
+looked puzzled. "I'll have a look at them myself,"
+said Chief Justice Pyne. The steward led the way, and
+pointed out the twenty-five fine heifers presented by
+Mr. Weller, the plaintiff. "But where are the shorthorns
+that came after I left home?"&mdash;"Bedad, the
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span>long and the short of it is, them's all the cattle on the
+land, except what we have bred ourselves, my lord."
+And so it was. Mr. Nangle, the defendant, had so arranged
+his gift to meet the judge on the road, but as
+soon as his lordship's coach was out of sight the cattle
+were driven back to their familiar fields. The Chief
+Justice had been outwitted and had no power of showing
+resentment.</p>
+
+<p>In the manners and customs of the legal profession
+of Ireland in the latter part of the eighteenth century,
+there is also a strong similarity between the members
+of the Scottish Bench and their Irish brethren, in that
+they were heavy port drinkers; and did not hesitate
+to indulge in it while sitting on the Bench. It is reported
+of one Irish judge that he had a specially constructed
+metal tube like a penholder, through which
+he sucked his favourite liquor, from what appeared to
+the audience to be a metal inkstand. Another judge on
+being asked if, at a social gathering, he had seen a
+learned brother dance, "Yes," he replied, "I saw him
+in a <i>reel</i>"; while Curran referring to a third judge, who
+had condemned a prisoner to death, said, "He did not
+weep, but he had a drop in his eye."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Unblushing effrontery and a bronzed visage gained
+for John Scott (Lord Clonmel) while at the Bar the sobriquet
+of "Copper-faced Jack." He took the popular
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span>side in politics, which ordinarily would not have led to
+promotion in his profession; but his outstanding ability
+attracted the attention of Lord Chancellor Lifford,
+and through his influence Scott was offered a place
+under the Government. On accepting it at the hands
+of Lord Townshend, he said, "My lord, you have spoiled
+a good patriot." Some time after he met Flood, a
+co-patriot, and addressed him: "Well, I suppose you
+will be abusing me as usual." To which Flood replied:
+"When I began to abuse you, you were a briefless barrister;
+by abuse I made you counsel to the revenue,
+by abuse I got you a silk gown, by abuse I made you
+Solicitor-General, by abuse I may make you Chief Justice.
+No, Scott, I'll praise you."</p>
+
+<p>When Lord Clonmel was Lord Chief Justice he upheld
+the undignified practice of demanding a shilling
+for administering an oath, and used to be well satisfied,
+provided the coin was a <i>good one</i>. In his time the
+Birmingham shilling was current, and he used the following
+extraordinary precautions to avoid being imposed
+upon by taking a bad one. "You shall true answer
+make to such questions as shall be demanded of
+you touching this affidavit, so help you God! <i>Is this
+a good shilling?</i> Are the contents of this affidavit true?
+Is this your name and handwriting?"</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>The family of Henn belonging to Clare have been,
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span>generation after generation, since the first of the name
+became Chief Baron in 1679, connected with the Irish
+Bench and Bar. William Henn, a descendant of the
+Chief Baron, was made a Judge of the King's Bench in
+1767, and when on Circuit at Wexford in 1789 two
+young barristers contended before him with great zeal
+and pertinacity, each flatly contradicting the other as
+to the law of the case; and both at each turn of the
+argument again and again referred with exemplary
+confidence to the learned judge, as so well knowing
+that what was said by him (the speaker) was right.
+The judge said, "Well, gentlemen, can I settle this
+matter between you? You, sir, say positively the law
+is one way; and you, sir (turning to the opponent), as
+unequivocally say it is the other way. I wish to God,
+Billy Harris (leaning over and addressing the registrar
+who sat beneath him), I knew what the law really
+was!"&mdash;"My lord," replied Billy Harris, rising, and
+turning round with great gravity and respect, "if I
+possessed that knowledge, I assure your lordship that
+I would tell your lordship with great pleasure!"&mdash;"Then,"
+exclaimed the judge, "we'll save the point,
+Billy Harris!"</p>
+
+<p>Although more appropriate in the following chapter,
+we may here introduce a story of the younger son of
+the Judge Henn of the previous story. Jonathan, who
+was more distinguished than his elder brother&mdash;an<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span>other
+Judge Henn&mdash;did not attain to the Bench. In early
+years he was indifferent whether briefs were given him
+or not, and indeed on one occasion he is said to have
+sent a message to the Attorney-General, who had
+called to engage him in a case, to keep "his d&mdash;d brief
+and to take himself to the d&mdash;l." But later he became
+very industrious, and his natural ability soon brought
+him into a large and lucrative practice. He was counsel
+for the Government at the trial of John Mitchell, and
+at its close the wags of the Court declared that "Judge
+Moore <i>spoke</i> to the evidence, but Jonathan Henn
+<i>charged the jury</i>."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 287px;">
+<a name="viscount_carleton" id="viscount_carleton"></a>
+<img src="images/viscount_carleton.jpg" width="287" height="390" alt="HUGH CARLETON, VISCOUNT CARLETON, LORD CHIEF JUSTICE OF IRELAND." title="" />
+<span class="caption">HUGH CARLETON, VISCOUNT CARLETON, LORD CHIEF JUSTICE OF IRELAND.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Chief Justice Carleton was a most lugubrious judge,
+and was always complaining of something or other, but
+chiefly about the state of his health, so that Curran remarked
+that it was strange the old judge was <i>plaintive</i>
+in every case tried before him.</p>
+
+<p>One day his lordship came into Court very late,
+looking very woeful. He apologised to the Bar for being
+obliged to adjourn the Court at once and dismiss
+the jury for that day. "Though," his lordship added,
+"I am aware that an important issue stands for trial.
+But, the fact is, gentlemen (addressing the Bar in a
+low tone of voice and somewhat confidentially), I have
+met with a domestic misfortune, which has altogether
+deranged my nerves. Poor Lady Carleton has, most
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span>unfortunately, miscarried, and&mdash;." "Oh, then, my
+lord," exclaimed Curran, "I am sure we are all quite
+satisfied your lordship has done right in deciding
+there is no <i>issue</i> to try to-day." His lordship smiled a
+ghastly smile, and, retiring, thanked the Bar for their
+sympathy.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Judge Foster was trying five prisoners for murder,
+and misunderstood the drift of the evidence. Four of
+the prisoners seem to have assisted, but a witness
+said as to the fifth, Denis Halligan, that it was he
+who gave the fatal blow: "My lord, I saw Denis Halligan
+(that's in the dock there) take a vacancy (Irish
+word for 'aim' at an unguarded part) at the poor soul
+that's kilt, and give him a wipe with a <i>clehalpin</i> (Irish
+word for 'bludgeon'), and lay him down as quiet as a
+child." They were found guilty. The judge, sentencing
+the first four, gave them seven years' imprisonment.
+But when he came to Halligan, who really
+killed the deceased, the judge said, "Denis Halligan,
+I have purposely reserved the consideration of your
+case to the last. Your crime is doubtless of a grievous
+nature, yet I cannot avoid taking into consideration
+the mitigating circumstances that attend it. By the
+evidence of the witness it clearly appears that <i>you</i>
+were the only one of the party who showed any mercy
+to the unfortunate deceased. You took him to a vacant
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span>seat, and wiped him with a clean napkin, and you laid
+him down with the gentleness one shows to a little
+child. In consideration of these extenuating circumstances,
+which reflect some credit upon you, I shall inflict
+upon you three weeks' imprisonment." So Denis
+Halligan got off by the judge mistaking a vacancy for a
+vacant seat, and a <i>clehalpin</i> for a clean napkin.</p>
+
+<p>John Toler (Lord Norbury) was Chief Justice of the
+Common Pleas in Ireland. His humour was broad, and
+his absolute indifference to propriety often saved the
+situation by converting a serious matter into a wholly
+ludicrous one. His Court was in constant uproar, owing
+to his noisy jesting, and like a noted old Scottish
+judge he would have his joke when the life of a human
+being was hanging in the balance. Even on his own
+deathbed he could not resist the impulse. On hearing
+that his friend Lord Erne was also nearing his end at
+the same time, he called for his valet: "James," said
+Lord Norbury, "run round to Lord Erne and tell him
+with my compliments that it will be a <i>dead</i>-heat between
+us."</p>
+
+<p>The best illustration of the almost daily condition
+of things when Lord Norbury presided at Nisi Prius
+is given by himself in his reply to the answer of a witness.
+"What is your business?" asked the judge. "I
+keep a <i>racquet-court</i>, my lord."&mdash;"So do I, so do I,"
+immediately exclaimed the judge. Nor did he reserve
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span>his <i>bon mots</i> for Court merriment. Passing the Quay on
+his way to the Four Courts one morning, he noticed a
+crowd and inquired of a bystander the cause of it. On
+being told that a tailor had just been rescued from attempted
+suicide by drowning, his lordship exclaimed,
+"What a fool to leave his <i>hot goose</i> for a <i>cold duck</i>."
+The boastful statement of a gentleman in his company
+that he had shot seventy hares before breakfast drew
+from the Chief Justice the sarcastic remark, "I suppose,
+sir, you fired at a wig."</p>
+
+<p>A son of a peer having been accused of arson, of
+which offence he was generally believed guilty, but acquitted
+on a point of insufficiency of evidence to sustain
+the indictment, was tried before Lord Norbury.
+The young gentleman met the judge next at the Lord-Lieutenant's
+levee in the Castle. Instead of avoiding
+the Chief Justice, the scion of nobility boldly said, "I
+have recently married, and have come here to enable
+me to present my bride at the Drawing-Room."&mdash;"Quite
+right to mind the Scripture. Better marry
+than burn," retorted Lord Norbury.</p>
+
+<p>A barrister once pressed him to non-suit the plaintiff
+in a case; but his lordship decided to let it go to a
+jury trial. "I do believe," said the disappointed advocate,
+"your lordship has not the <i>courage to non-suit</i>."&mdash;"You
+say, sir," replied the irate judge, "you don't
+believe I'd have the courage to non-suit. I tell you I
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span>have courage to <i>shoot</i> and to <i>non-shoot</i>, but I'll not
+non-suit for you." This same counsel was once horsewhipped
+by an army officer at Nelson's Pillar in Sackville
+Street, and applied for a Criminal Information
+against his assailant. "Certainly he shall have it,"
+said the witty judge. "The Court is bound to give
+protection to any one who has <i>bled under the gallant
+Nelson</i>."</p>
+
+<p>On a motion before this judge, a sheriff's officer,
+who had the hardihood to serve a process in Connemara,
+where the king's writ <i>did not run</i>, swore that
+the natives made him eat and swallow both copy and
+original. Norbury, affecting great disgust, exclaimed:
+"Jackson, Jackson, I hope it's not made returnable into
+this Court."</p>
+
+<p>While giving a judgment on a writ of right, Lord
+Norbury observed that it was not sufficient for a demandant
+to say he "claimed by descent." "Such an
+answer," he continued, "would be a shrewd one for a
+sweep, who got into your house by coming down the
+chimney; and it would be an easy, as well as a sweeping,
+way of getting in."</p>
+
+<p>His lordship was attacked by a fit of gout when on
+Circuit, and sent to the Solicitor-General requesting
+the loan of a pair of large slippers. "Take them," said
+the Solicitor to the servant, "with my respects, and I
+hope soon to be in his lordship's shoes."</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span></p>
+<p>At the instigation of O'Connell, Lord Norbury was
+finally removed from the Bench. A flagrant case of
+partiality was brought to Lord Brougham's notice
+which exasperated Lord Norbury, and he is reported
+to have said, "I'll resign to demand satisfaction. That
+Scottish Broom wants to be made acquainted with an
+Irish stick."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Two notorious highwaymen were charged before
+Chief Baron O'Grady with robbery, and to the surprise
+of all the jury returned a verdict of not guilty.
+"Mr. Murphy," said the judge to the gaoler, "you will
+greatly ease my mind by keeping these two respectable
+gentlemen in custody until seven o'clock. I leave for
+Dublin at five, and I should like to have at least two
+hours' start of them." There is also the story of a barrister
+who made an eloquent speech and got his client
+off, but he was very anxious to know whether the prisoner
+was guilty or not. "Well, sir," said the man when
+applied to, "to tell the truth I thought I was guilty until
+I heard you speak, and then I didn't see how I could
+be." This at once recalls an old story. "Prisoner, I
+understand you confess your guilt," said the judge.
+"No, I don't," said the prisoner. "My counsel has convinced
+me of my innocence."</p>
+
+<p>On hearing that some spendthrift barristers, friends
+of his, were appointed to be Commissioners of Insolv<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span>ent
+Debtors the Chief Baron remarked, "At all events,
+the insolvents can't complain of not being tried by
+their peers." It was the same judge who caustically
+observed, after a long and dull legal argument: "I
+agree with my brother J&mdash;&mdash;, for the reasons given by
+my brother M&mdash;&mdash;." A prisoner once was given a
+practical specimen of his lordship's wit, and must have
+been rather distressed by it. He was passing sentence
+upon a pickpocket, and ordering a punishment common
+at that time. "You will be whipped from North
+Gate to South Gate," said the judge. "Bad luck to you,
+you old blackguard," said the prisoner. "&mdash;And back
+again," said the Chief Baron, as if he had been interrupted
+in the delivery of the sentence.</p>
+
+<p>A cause of much celebrity was tried at a county Assize,
+at which Chief Baron O'Grady presided. Bushe,
+then a K.C., who held a brief for the defence, was
+pleading the cause of his client with much eloquence,
+when a donkey in the courtyard outside set up a loud
+bray. "One at a time, brother Bushe!" called out
+his lordship. Peals of laughter filled the Court. The
+counsel bore the interruption as best he could. The
+judge was proceeding to sum up with his usual ability:
+the donkey again began to bray. "I beg your lordship's
+pardon," said Bushe, putting his hand to his
+ear; "but there is such an echo in the Court that I can't
+hear a word you say."</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span></p>
+<p>In his charges to juries, O'Grady frequently made
+some quaint remarks. There was a Kerry case in
+which a number of men were indicted for riot and assault.
+Several of them bore the familiar names of
+O'Donoghue, Moriarty, Duggan, &amp;c., while among the
+jurymen these names were also found. Well knowing
+that consanguinity was prevalent in the district, the
+judge began his address to the jury with the significant
+remark: "Of course, gentlemen, you will acquit
+your own relatives." In another case of larceny of
+pantaloons which was clearly proved, but in which
+the thief got a good character for honesty, he began:
+"Gentlemen, the prisoner was an honest boy, but he
+stole the pantaloons."</p>
+
+<p>"I merely wish to address your lordship on the form
+of the indictment, if your lordship pleases," said a
+young barrister to the Chief Baron. "Oh, certainly, I
+will hear you with mighty great pleasure, sir; but I'll
+be after taking the verdict of the jury first," was the
+sarcastic reply.</p>
+
+<p>The brother of Chief Baron O'Grady once caught a
+boy stealing turnips from one of his fields and asked
+his lordship if the culprit could be prosecuted under
+the Timber Acts. "No," said the Chief Baron, "unless
+you can prove that your turnips are sticky."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Yelverton, first Baron Avonmore, possessed re<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span>markable
+rhetorical ability and a highly cultivated
+mind. He rose rapidly at the Bar, until he became Chief
+Baron of Exchequer. He was the founder of the convivial
+order of St. Patrick, called "The Monks of the
+Screw," of which Curran, who wrote its charter song,
+was Prior. Avonmore was a man of warm and benevolent
+feelings, which he gave vent to in an equal degree
+in private life, in the senate, and on the Bench.</p>
+
+<p>Before giving an anecdote of Lord Avonmore it may
+interest readers, especially English and Scottish, to
+quote here the charter song of this famous Irish convivial
+club of the eighteenth century.</p>
+
+<div class="poetryblock">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">THE CHARTER SONG OF THE<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">MONKS OF THE SCREW<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">When St. Patrick this order establish'd,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He called us the "Monks of the Screw"!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Good rules he reveal'd to our Abbot,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To guide us in what we should do.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But first he replenish'd our fountain,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With liquor the best in the sky;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And he swore on the word of a saint<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That the fountain should never run dry.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Each year when your octaves approach,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In full chapter convened let me find you,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And when to the convent you come<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Leave your favourite temptation behind you;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And be not a glass in your convent,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Unless on a festival found;<br /></span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span><span class="i0">And this rule to enforce I ordain it,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Our festival all the year round.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">My brethren, be chaste till you're tempted;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">While sober be grave and discreet;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And humble your bodies with fasting,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">As oft as you've nothing to eat.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Yet, in honour of fasting, one lean face<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Among you I'll always require,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">If the Abbot should please he may wear it&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">If not, let it come to the Prior.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+</div>
+
+<p>The last two lines hit off the appearance of the Abbot,
+a Mr. Doyle, and of the Prior, J. P. Curran. The
+former was a big burly man with a fat, jovial face, while
+Curran was a short and particularly spare man whose
+"lean face" always attracted attention.</p>
+
+<p>On a Lent Circuit, one of the Assize towns happened
+to be a place, of which one of Lord Avonmore's
+college contemporaries held a living: at his own request,
+the Chief Baron's reverend friend preached the
+Assize sermon. The time being the month of March
+the weather was cold, the judge was chilled, and unhappily
+the sermon was long, and the preacher tedious.
+After the discourse was over, the preacher descended
+from the pulpit and approached the judge, smirking
+and smiling, looking fully satisfied with his own exertions,
+and expecting to receive the compliments and
+congratulations of his quondam chum. "Well, my
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span>lord," he asked, "and how did you like the sermon?"&mdash;"Oh!
+most wonderfully," replied Avonmore. "It was
+like the peace of God&mdash;it passed all understanding;
+and&mdash;like his mercy&mdash;I thought it would have endured
+for ever."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>When Plunket was at the Bar his great friend and
+rival was C. K. Bushe. The former was Attorney-General
+at the same time as the latter was Solicitor-General,
+and it caused him much dissatisfaction when
+Plunket learned that on a change of Government
+Solicitor-General Bushe had not followed his example
+and resigned office. At the time this occurred both
+barristers happened to be engaged in a case at which,
+when it was called, Bushe only appeared. On the judge
+inquiring of Mr. Bushe if he knew the reason of Mr.
+Plunket's absence his friend jocosely remarked, "I
+suppose, my lord, he is Cabinet-making." This pleasantry,
+at his expense, was told to Plunket by a friend,
+when he arrived in Court, on which, turning to the
+judge, the ex-Attorney-General proudly said, "I assure
+your lordship I am not so well qualified for Cabinet-making
+as my learned friend. I never was either a
+<i>turner</i> or a <i>joiner</i>."</p>
+
+<p>Two eminent Irish astronomers differed in an argument
+on the parallax of a lyr&aelig;&mdash;the one maintaining
+that it was three seconds, and the other that it was
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span>only two seconds. On being told of this discussion,
+and that the astronomers parted without arriving at
+an agreement, Plunket quietly remarked: "It must
+be a very serious quarrel indeed, when even the seconds
+cannot agree."</p>
+
+<p>Once applying the common expression to accommodation
+bills of exchange, that they were <i>mere kites</i>,
+the judge, an English Chancellor, said "he never heard
+that expression applied before to any but the kites of
+boys."&mdash;"Oh," replied Plunket, "that's the difference
+between kites in England and in Ireland. In England
+the wind raises the kite, but in Ireland the kite raises
+the wind."</p>
+
+<p>Everybody (says Phillips) knew how acutely Plunket
+felt his forced resignation of the chancellorship,
+and his being superseded by Lord Campbell. A violent
+storm arose on the day of Campbell's expected arrival,
+and a friend remarking to Plunket how sick of his promotion
+the passage must have made the new Chancellor:
+"Yes," said the former, ruefully, "but it won't
+make him throw up the seals."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Mr. Frankfort Moore, in his <i>Journalist's Notebook</i>,
+relates how Justice Lawson summed up in the case of
+a man who was charged with stealing a pig. The evidence
+of the theft was quite conclusive, and, in fact,
+was not combated; but the prisoner called the priests
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</a></span>and neighbours to attest to his good character. "Gentlemen
+of the jury," said the judge, "I think that the
+only conclusion you can arrive at is, that the pig was
+stolen by the prisoner, and that he is the most amiable
+man in the country."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_FOUR" id="CHAPTER_FOUR"></a>CHAPTER FOUR<br />
+THE BARRISTERS OF IRELAND</h2>
+
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"'Men that hire out their words and anger'; that are more or less
+passionate according as they are paid for it, and allow their client
+a quantity of wrath proportionable to the fee which they receive
+from him."</p>
+
+<p>
+<span class="smcap">Addison</span>: <i>The Spectator</i>.<br />
+</p></div><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>CHAPTER FOUR<br />
+THE BARRISTERS OF IRELAND</h2>
+
+
+<p>The Irish counsel like the occupants
+of the Bench were, in early times, eminent for their jolly
+carousing. Once, about 1687, a heavy argument coming
+on before Lord Chancellor Fitton, Mr. Nagle, the solicitor,
+retained Sir Toby Butler as counsel, who entered
+into a bargain that he would not drink a drop of wine
+while the case was at hearing. This bargain reached
+the ears of the Chancellor, who asked Sir Toby if it was
+true that such a compact had been made. The counsel
+said it was true, and the bargain had been rigidly
+kept; but on further inquiry he admitted that as he had
+only promised not to <i>drink</i> a <i>drop</i> of wine, he felt he
+must have some stimulant. So he got a basin, into
+which he poured two bottles of claret, and then got
+two hot rolls of bread, sopped them in the claret and
+ate them. "I see," replied the Chancellor; "in truth,
+Sir Toby, you deserve to be master of the rolls!"</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 291px;">
+<a name="john_curran" id="john_curran"></a>
+<img src="images/john_curran.jpg" width="291" height="390" alt="JOHN P. CURRAN, MASTER OF ROLLS." title="" />
+<span class="caption">JOHN P. CURRAN, MASTER OF ROLLS.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>One naturally turns to Curran for a selection of the
+witty sayings of the Irish Bar, and abundantly he supplies
+them, although in these days many of his jests
+may be considered as in somewhat doubtful taste.
+Phillips tells us he remembered Curran once&mdash;in an
+action for breach of promise of marriage, in which he
+was counsel for the defendant, a young clergyman&mdash;thus
+appealing to the jury: "Gentlemen, I entreat you
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</a></span>not to ruin this young man by a vindictive verdict;
+for <i>though</i> he has talents, and is in the Church, <i>he may
+rise</i>!"</p>
+
+<p>After his college career Curran went to London
+to study for the Bar. His circumstances were often
+straitened, and at times so much so that he had to
+pass the day without dinner. But under such depressing
+circumstances his high spirits never forsook him.
+One day he was sitting in St. James's Park merrily
+whistling a tune when a gentleman passed, who, struck
+by the youth's melancholy appearance while, at the
+same time, he whistled a lively air, asked how he
+"came to be sitting there whistling while other people
+were at dinner." Curran replied, "I would have been
+at dinner too, but a trifling circumstance&mdash;delay in remittances&mdash;obliges
+me to dine on an Irish tune." The
+result was that Curran was invited to dine with the
+stranger, and years afterwards, when he had become
+famous, he recalled the incident to his entertainer&mdash;Macklin,
+the celebrated actor&mdash;with the assurance,
+"You never acted better in your life."</p>
+
+<p>From Phillips again we have Curran's retort upon
+an Irish judge, who was quite as remarkable for his
+good humour and raillery as for his legal researches.
+Curran was addressing a jury on one of the State trials
+in 1803 with his usual animation. The judge, whose
+political bias, if any judge can have one, was certainly
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</a></span>supposed not to be favourable to the prisoner, shook
+his head in doubt or denial of one of the advocate's
+arguments. "I see, gentlemen," said Curran, "I see
+the motion of his lordship's head; common observers
+might imagine that implied a difference of opinion, but
+they would be mistaken; it is merely accidental. Believe
+me, gentlemen, if you remain here many days, you
+will yourselves perceive that when his lordship shakes
+his head, there's <i>nothing in it</i>!"</p>
+
+<p>Curran was one day engaged in a case in which he
+had for a junior a remarkably tall and slender gentleman,
+who had been originally intended to take orders.
+The judge observing that the case under discussion
+involved a question of ecclesiastical law, Curran interposed
+with: "I refer your lordship to a high authority
+behind me, who was once intended for the Church,
+though in my opinion he was fitter for the steeple."</p>
+
+<p>He was one day walking with a friend, who, hearing
+a person say "curosity" for "curiosity," exclaimed:
+"How that man murders the English language!"&mdash;"Not
+so bad as that," replied Curran. "He has only knocked
+an 'i' out."</p>
+
+<p>Curran never joined the hunt, except once, not far
+from Dublin. His horse joined very keenly in the sport,
+but the horseman was inwardly hoping all the while
+that the dogs would not find. In the midst of his career,
+the hounds broke into a potato field of a wealthy land<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</a></span>-agent,
+who happened to have been severely cross-examined
+by Curran some days before. The fellow came
+up patronisingly and said, "Oh sure, you are Counsellor
+Curran, the great lawyer. Now then, Mr. Lawyer,
+can you tell me by what law you are trespassing
+on my ground?"&mdash;"By what law, did you ask, Mr.
+Maloney?" replied Curran. "It must be the <i>Lex Tally-ho-nis</i>,
+to be sure."</p>
+
+<p>During one of the Circuits, Curran was dining with
+a brother advocate at a small inn kept by a worthy
+woman known by the Christian name of Honoria, or,
+as it is generally called, Honor. The gentlemen were
+so pleased with their entertainment that they summoned
+Honor to receive their compliments and drink
+a glass of wine with them. She attended at once, and
+Curran after a brief eulogium on the dinner filled a
+glass, and handing it to the landlady proposed as a
+toast "Honor and Honesty," to which the lady with
+an arch smile added, "Our absent friends," drank off
+her amended toast and withdrew.</p>
+
+<p>He happened one day to have for his companion in
+a stage-coach a very vulgar and revolting old woman,
+who seemed to have been encrusted with a prejudice
+against Ireland and all its inhabitants. Curran sat
+chafing in silence in his corner. At last, suddenly, a
+number of cows, with their tails and heads in the air,
+kept rushing up and down the road in alarming prox<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</a></span>imity
+to the coach windows. The old woman manifestly
+was but ill at ease. At last, unable to restrain her terror,
+she faltered out, "Oh dear; oh dear, sir! what can the
+cows mean?"&mdash;"Faith, my good woman," replied Curran,
+"as there's an Irishman in the coach, I shouldn't
+wonder if they were on the outlook for <i>a bull</i>!"</p>
+
+<p>Curran was once asked what an Irish gentleman,
+just arrived in England, could mean by perpetually
+putting out his tongue. "I suppose," replied the wit,
+"he's trying <i>to catch the English accent</i>."</p>
+
+<p>During the temporary separation of Lord Avonmore
+and Curran, Egan espoused the judge's imaginary
+quarrel so bitterly that a duel was the consequence.
+The parties met, and on the ground Egan complained
+that the disparity in their sizes gave his antagonist a
+manifest advantage. "I might as well fire at a razor's
+edge as at him," said Egan, "and he may hit me as
+easily as a turf-stack."&mdash;"I'll tell you what, Mr. Egan,"
+replied Curran; "I wish to take no advantage of you&mdash;let
+my <i>size</i> be <i>chalked</i> out upon your side, and I am
+quite content that every shot which hits outside that
+mark should <i>go for nothing</i>." And in another duel, in
+which his opponent was a major who had taken
+offence at some remark the eminent counsel had made
+about him in Court, the major asked Curran to fire
+first. "No," replied Curran, "I am here on your invitation,
+so you must <i>open the ball</i>."</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</a></span></p>
+<p>Sir Thomas Furton, who was a respectable speaker,
+but certainly nothing more, affected once to discuss the
+subject of eloquence with Curran, assuming an equality
+by no means palatable to the latter. Curran happening
+to mention, as a peculiarity of his, that he could
+not speak above a quarter of an hour without requiring
+something to moisten his lips, Sir Thomas, pursuing
+his comparisons, declared <i>he</i> had the advantage
+in that respect. "I spoke," said he, "the other night in
+the Commons for five hours on the Nabob of Oude,
+and never felt in the least thirsty."&mdash;"It is very remarkable,
+indeed," replied Curran, "for everyone agrees
+that was the <i>driest</i> speech of the session."</p>
+
+<p>Lord Clare (says Mr. Hayward) had a favourite dog
+which was permitted to follow him to the Bench. One
+day, during an argument of Curran's, the Chancellor
+turned aside and began to fondle the dog, with the
+obvious view of intimating inattention or disregard.
+The counsel stopped; the judge looked up: "I beg your
+pardon," continued Curran, "I thought your lordship
+had been in consultation."</p>
+
+<p>Curran often raised a laugh at Lord Norbury's expense.
+The laws, at that period, made capital punishment
+so general that nearly all crimes were punishable
+with death by the rope. It was remarked Lord Norbury
+never hesitated to condemn the convicted prisoner
+to the gallows. Dining in company with Curran,
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</a></span>who was carving some corned beef, Lord Norbury inquired,
+"Is that hung beef, Mr. Curran?"&mdash;"Not yet,
+my lord," was the reply; "you have not <i>tried</i> it."</p>
+
+<p>"A doldrum, Mr. Curran! What does the witness
+mean by saying you put him in a doldrum?" asked
+Lord Avonmore. "Oh, my lord, it is a very common
+complaint with persons of this description; it's merely
+a confusion of the head arising from a corruption of
+the heart."</p>
+
+<p>Angered one day in debate, he put his hand on his
+heart, saying, "I am the trusty guardian of my own
+honour."&mdash;"Then," replied Sir Boyle Roche, "I congratulate
+my honourable friend in the snug little sinecure
+to which he has appointed himself."</p>
+
+<p>But on one occasion he met his match in a pert,
+jolly, keen-eyed son of Erin, who was up as a witness
+in a case of dispute in the matter of a horse deal. Curran
+was anxious to break down the credibility of this
+witness, and thought to do it by making the man contradict
+himself&mdash;by tangling him up in a network of
+adroitly framed questions&mdash;but to no avail. The ostler's
+good common sense, and his equanimity and good
+nature, were not to be upset. Presently, Curran, in a
+towering rage, thundered forth, as no other counsel
+would have dared to do in the presence of the Court:
+"Sir, you are incorrigible! The truth is not to be got
+from you, for it is not in you. I see the villain in your
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</a></span>face!"&mdash;"Faith, yer honour," replied the witness, with
+the utmost simplicity of truth and honesty, "my face
+must be moighty clane and shinin' indade, if it can reflect
+like that." For once in his life the great barrister
+was floored by a simple witness. He could not recover
+from that repartee, and the case went against him.</p>
+
+<p>When Curran heard that there was a likelihood of
+trouble for the part he took in 1798, and that in all
+probability he would be deprived of the rank of Q.C.,
+he remarked: "They may take away the <i>silk</i>, but they
+leave the <i>stuff</i> behind."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>"Bully" Egan had a great muscular figure, as may be
+guessed from the story of the duel with Curran. To
+his bulk he added a stentorian voice, which he freely
+used in Nisi Prius practice to browbeat opposing
+counsel and witnesses, and through which he acquired
+his <i>sobriquet</i>. On one occasion his opponent was a
+dark-visaged barrister who had made out a good case
+for his client. Egan, in the course of an eloquent address,
+begged the jury not to be carried away by the
+"dark oblivion of a brow."&mdash;"What do you mean by
+using such balderdash?" said a friend. "It may be
+balderdash," replied Egan, "but depend upon it, it
+will do very well for that jury." On another occasion
+he concluded a vituperative address by describing the
+defendant as "a most naufrageous ruffian."&mdash;"What
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</a></span>sort of a ruffian is that?" whispered his junior. "I have
+no idea," responded Egan, "but I think <i>it sounds well</i>."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>H. D. Grady was a strong supporter, in the Irish
+Parliament, of the Union of Great Britain and Ireland,
+although he represented a constituency strongly opposed
+to it; and he did not conceal the fact that the
+Government had made it worth his while to support
+them. "What!" exclaimed one of his constituents
+who remonstrated with him; "do you mean to sell your
+country?"&mdash;"Thank God," cried this patriot, "I have
+a country to sell."</p>
+
+<p>For his Court work this anti-Nationalist barrister
+had what he called his "jury-eye." When he wanted
+a jury to note a particular point he kept winking his
+right eye at them. Entering the Court one day looking
+very depressed, a sympathetic friend asked if he was
+quite well, adding, "You are not so lively as usual."&mdash;"How
+can I be," replied Grady, "my jury-eye is out of
+order."</p>
+
+<p>He was examining a foreign sailor at Cork Assizes.
+"You are a Swede, I believe?"&mdash;"No, I am not."&mdash;"What
+are you then?"&mdash;"I am a Dane." Grady turned
+to the jury, "Gentlemen, you hear the equivocating
+scoundrel. <i>Go down, sir!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>Judge Boyd who, according to O'Connell, was guilty
+of sipping his wine through a peculiarly made tube
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</a></span>from a metal inkstand, to which we have already referred,
+one day presided at a trial where a witness was
+charged with being intoxicated at the time he was
+speaking about. Mr. Harry Grady laboured hard to
+show that the man had been sober. Judge Boyd at
+once interposed and said: "Come now, my good man,
+it is a very important consideration; tell the Court
+truly, were you drunk or were you sober upon that
+occasion?"&mdash;"Oh, quite sober, my Lord." Grady added,
+with a significant look at the <i>inkstand</i>, "As sober
+as a judge!"</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Mr. Bethell, a barrister at the time of the Union of
+Ireland and Great Britain, like many of his brethren,
+published a pamphlet on that much-vexed subject. Mr.
+Lysaght, meeting him, said: "Bethell, you never told
+me you had published a pamphlet on the Union. The
+one I saw contained some of the best things I have
+ever seen in any of these publications."&mdash;"I am proud
+you think so," rejoined the other eagerly. "Pray what
+was the thing that pleased you so much?"&mdash;"Well,"
+replied Lysaght, "as I passed a pastry-cook's shop this
+morning, I saw a girl come out with three hot mince-pies
+wrapped up in one of your productions!"</p>
+
+<p>"Pleasant Ned Lysaght," as his familiar friends
+called him, meeting a Dublin banker one day offered
+himself as an assistant if there was a vacancy in the
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</a></span>bank's staff. "You, my dear Lysaght," said the banker;
+"what position could you fill?"&mdash;"Two," was the reply.
+"If you made me <i>cashier</i> for one day, I'll become
+<i>runner</i> the next."</p>
+
+<p>And it was Lysaght who made a neat pun on his
+host's name at a dinner party during the Munster Circuit.
+The gentleman, named Flatly, was in the habit
+of inviting members of the Bar to his house when the
+Court was held in Limerick. One evening the conversation
+turned upon matrimony, and surprise was expressed
+that their host still remained a bachelor. He
+confessed that he never had had the courage to propose
+to a young lady. "Depend upon it," said Lysaght,
+"if you ask any girl <i>boldly</i> she will not refuse you,
+<i>Flatly</i>."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>O'Flanagan, author of <i>The Lord Chancellors of Ireland</i>,
+writes of Holmes, an Irish barrister: "He made
+us laugh very much one day in the Queen's Bench.
+I was waiting for some case in which I was counsel,
+when the crier called, 'Pluck and Diggers,' and in came
+James Scott, Q.C., very red and heated, and, throwing
+his bag on the table within the bar, he said, 'My lords,
+I beg to assure your lordships I feel so exhausted I am
+quite unable to argue this case. I have been speaking
+for three hours in the Court of Exchequer, and I am
+quite tired; and pray excuse me, my lords, I must get
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</a></span>some refreshment.' The Chief Justice bowed, and said,
+'Certainly, Mr. Scott.' So that gentleman left the
+Court. 'Mr. Holmes, you are in this case,' said the
+Chief Justice; 'we'll be happy to hear you.'&mdash;'Really,
+my lord, I am very tired too,' said Mr. Holmes. 'Surely,'
+said the Chief Justice, 'you have not been speaking
+for three hours in the Court of Exchequer? What
+has tired you?'&mdash;'Listening to Mr. Scott,' was Holmes'
+sarcastic reply."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Although rivals in their profession, C. K. Bushe
+had a great admiration for Plunket's abilities, and
+would not listen to any disparagement of them. One
+day while Plunket was speaking at the Bar a friend
+said to Bushe, "Well, if it was not for the eloquence,
+I'd as soon listen to &mdash;&mdash;," who was a very prosy
+speaker. "No doubt," replied Bushe, "just as the Connaught
+man said, ''Pon my conscience if it was not for
+the malt and the hops, I'd as soon drink ditch water as
+porter.'"</p>
+
+<p>There is an impromptu of Bushe's upon two political
+agitators of the day who had declined an appeal to
+arms, one on account of his wife, the other from the
+affection in which he held his daughter:</p>
+
+<div class="poetryblock">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Two heroes of Erin, abhorrent of slaughter,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Improved on the Hebrew command&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">One honoured his wife, and the other his daughter,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That 'their' days might be long in 'the land.'"<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</a></span></p>
+<p>A young barrister once tried to raise a laugh at the
+Mess dinner at the expense of "Jerry Keller," a barrister
+who was prominent in social circles of Dublin,
+and whose cousin, a wine merchant, held the contract
+for supplying wine to the Mess cellar. "I have noticed,"
+said the junior, "that the claret bottles are
+growing smaller and smaller at each Assizes since
+your cousin became our wine merchant."&mdash;"Whist!"
+replied Jerry; "don't you be talking of what you know
+nothing about. It's quite natural the bottles should be
+growing smaller, because we all know <i>they shrink in
+the washing</i>."</p>
+
+<p>An ingenious expedient was devised to save a prisoner
+charged with robbery in the Criminal Court at
+Dublin. The principal thing that appeared in evidence
+against him was a confession, alleged to have been
+made by him at the police office. The document, purporting
+to contain this self-criminating acknowledgment,
+was produced by the officer, and the following
+passage was read from it:</p>
+
+<div class="poetryblock">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Mangan said he never robbed but twice<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Said it was Crawford."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+</div>
+
+<p>This, it will be observed, has no mark of the writer
+having any notion of punctuation, but the meaning attached
+to it was, that</p>
+
+<div class="poetryblock">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Mangan said he never robbed but twice.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0"><i>Said it was Crawford.</i>"<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</a></span></p>
+<p>Mr. O'Gorman, the counsel for the prisoner, begged
+to look at the paper. He perused it, and rather astonished
+the peace officer by asserting, that so far from
+its proving the man's guilt, it clearly established his
+innocence. "This," said the learned gentleman, "is the
+fair and obvious reading of the sentence:</p>
+
+<div class="poetryblock">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Mangan said he never robbed;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0"><i>But twice said it was Crawford</i>."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+</div>
+
+<p>This interpretation had its effect on the jury, and
+the man was acquitted.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>There were two barristers at the Irish Bar who
+formed a singular contrast in their stature&mdash;Ninian
+Mahaffy was as much above the middle size as Mr.
+Collis was below it. When Lord Redsdale was Lord
+Chancellor of Ireland these two gentlemen chanced
+to be retained in the same cause a short time after his
+lordship's elevation, and before he was personally acquainted
+with the Irish Bar. Mr. Collis was opening
+the motion, when the Lord Chancellor observed, "Mr.
+Collis, when a barrister addresses the Court, he must
+stand."&mdash;"I am standing on the bench, my lord," said
+Collis. "I beg a thousand pardons," said his lordship,
+somewhat confused. "Sit down, Mr. Mahaffy."&mdash;"I
+am sitting, my lord," was the reply to the confounded
+Chancellor.</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</a></span></p>
+<p>A barrister who was present on this occasion made
+it the subject of the following epigram:</p>
+
+<div class="poetryblock">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Mahaffy and Collis, ill-paired in a case,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Representatives true of the rattling size ace;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To the heights of the law, though I hope you will rise,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">You will never be judges I'm sure of a(s)size."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+</div>
+
+<p>A very able barrister, named Collins, had the reputation
+of occasionally involving his adversary in a legal
+net, and, by his superior subtlety, gaining his cause.
+On appearing in Court in a case with the eminent barrister,
+Mr. Pigot, Q.C., there arose a question as to who
+should be leader, Mr. Collins being the senior in standing
+at the Bar, Mr. Pigot being one of the Queen's
+Counsel. "I yield," said Mr. Collins; "my friend holds
+the honours."&mdash;"Faith, if he does, Stephen," observed
+Mr. Herrick, "'tis you have all the tricks."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 281px;">
+<a name="daniel_oconnell" id="daniel_oconnell"></a>
+<img src="images/daniel_oconnell.jpg" width="281" height="390" alt="DANIEL O&#39;CONNELL, &quot;THE LIBERATOR.&quot;" title="" />
+<span class="caption">DANIEL O&#39;CONNELL, &quot;THE LIBERATOR.&quot;</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>It is told by one of O'Connell's biographers that he
+never prepared his addresses to judges or juries&mdash;he
+trusted to the inspiration of the moment. He had at
+command humour and pathos, invective and argument;
+he was quick-witted and astonishingly ready in repartee,
+and he brought all these into play, as he found them
+serviceable in influencing the bench or the jury-box.</p>
+
+<p>Lord Manners, Lord Chancellor of Ireland, stopped
+several of the many counsels in a Chancery suit by saying
+he had made up his mind. He, in fact, lost his tem<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</a></span>per
+as each in succession rose, and he declined them
+in turn. At last O'Connell, one of the unheard counsel,
+began in his deepest and most emphatic tone: "Well
+then, my lord, since your lordship refuses to hear my
+learned friend, you will be pleased to hear <span class="smcap">ME</span>"; and
+then he plunged into the case, without waiting for any
+expression, assent or dissent, or allowing any interruption.
+On he went, discussing and distinguishing,
+and commenting and quoting, till he secured the attention
+of, and evidently was making an impression on,
+the unwilling judge. Every few minutes O'Connell
+would say: "Now, my lord, my learned young friend
+beside me, had your lordship heard him, would have
+informed your lordship in a more impressive and lucid
+manner than I can hope to do," etcetera, until he finished
+a masterly address. The Lord Chancellor next
+morning gave judgment in favour of O'Connell's client.</p>
+
+<p>He was engaged in a will case, the allegation being
+that the will was a forgery. The subscribing witness
+swore that the will had been signed by the deceased
+"while life was in him"&mdash;that being an expression derived
+from the Irish language, which peasants who
+have long ceased to speak Irish still retain. The evidence
+was strong in favour of the will, when O'Connell
+was struck by the persistency of the man, who always
+repeated the same words, "The life was in him."
+O'Connell asked: "On the virtue of your oath, was he
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</a></span>alive?"&mdash;"By the virtue of my oath, the life was in
+him."&mdash;"Now I call upon you in the presence of your
+Maker, who will one day pass sentence on you for this
+evidence, I solemnly ask&mdash;and answer me at your
+peril&mdash;was there not a live fly in the dead man's
+mouth when his hand was placed on the will?" The
+witness was taken aback at this question; he trembled,
+turned pale, and faltered out an abject confession that
+the counsellor was right; a fly had been introduced into
+the mouth of the dead man, to allow the witness to
+swear that "life was in him."</p>
+
+<p>O'Connell was defending John Connor on a charge
+of murder. The most incriminating evidence was the
+finding of the murderer's hat, left behind on the road.
+The all-important question was as to the identity of the
+hat as that of the accused man. A constable was prepared
+to swear to it. "You found this hat?" said O'Connell.
+"Yes."&mdash;"You examined it?"&mdash;"Yes."&mdash;"You
+know it to be the prisoner's property?"&mdash;"Yes."&mdash;"When
+you picked it up you saw it was damaged?"&mdash;"Yes."&mdash;"And
+looking inside you saw the prisoner's
+name, <span class="smcap">J-o-h-n C-o-n-n-o-r</span>?" (here he spelt out the
+name slowly). "Yes," was the answer. "There is no
+name inside at all, my lord," said O'Connell, and the
+prisoner was saved.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Explaining to a judge his absence from the Civil
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</a></span>Court at the time a case was heard, in which he should
+have appeared as counsel, O'Connell said he could
+not leave a client in the Criminal Court until the verdict
+was given. "What was it?" inquired the judge.
+"Acquitted," responded O'Connell. "Then you have
+got off a wretch who is not fit to live," said the judge.
+O'Connell, knowing his lordship to be a very religious
+man, at once replied: "I am sure you will agree with
+me that a man whom you regard as not fit to <i>live</i>
+would be still more <i>unfit</i> to die."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>There was a young barrister&mdash;a contemporary of
+O'Connell&mdash;named Parsons, who had a good deal of
+humour, and who hated the whole tribe of attorneys.
+Perhaps they had not treated him very well, but his
+prejudice against them was very constant and conspicuous.
+One day, in the Hall of the Four Courts,
+an attorney came up to him to beg a subscription towards
+burying a brother attorney who had died in distressed
+circumstances. Parsons took out a one-pound
+note and tendered it. "Oh, Mr. Parsons," said the applicant,
+"I do not want so much&mdash;I only ask a shilling
+from each contributor. I have limited myself to that,
+and I cannot really take more."&mdash;"Oh, take it, take it,"
+said Parsons; "for God's sake, my good sir, take the
+pound, and while you are at it bury twenty of them."</p>
+
+<p>There is a terseness in the following which seems to
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</a></span>be inimitable. Lord Norbury was travelling with Parsons;
+they passed a gibbet. "Parsons," said Norbury,
+with a chuckle, "where would <i>you</i> be now if every
+one had his due?"&mdash;"Alone in my carriage," replied
+Parsons.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Here is a young Irishman's first Bar-speech. "Your
+lordships perceive that we stand here as our grandmothers'
+administrators <i>de bonis non</i>; and really, my
+lords, it does strike me that it would be a monstrous
+thing to say that a party can now come in, in the very
+teeth of an Act of Parliament, and actually turn us
+round, under colour of hanging us up, on the foot of a
+contract made behind our backs."</p>
+
+<p>A learned Serjeant MacMahon was noted for his
+confusion of language in his efforts to be sublime. He
+cared less for the sense than the sound. As, for example:
+"Gentlemen of the jury, I smell a rat&mdash;but I'll nip
+it in the bud." And, "My client acted boldly. He saw
+the storm brewing in the distance, but he was not dismayed!
+He took the bull by the horns and he <i>indicted
+him for perjury</i>."</p>
+
+<p>Peter Burrowes, a well-known member of the Irish
+Bar, was on one occasion counsel for the prosecution
+at an important trial for murder. Burrowes had a severe
+cold, and opened his speech with a box of lozenges
+in one hand and in the other the small pistol bullet by
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</a></span>which the man had met his death. Between the pauses
+of his address he kept supplying himself with a lozenge.
+But at last, in the very middle of a 'high-falutin'
+period, he stopped. His legal chest heaved, his eyes
+seemed starting from his head, and in a voice tremulous
+with fright he exclaimed: "Oh! h-h!!! Gentlemen, gentlemen;
+I've swallowed the bul-let!"</p>
+
+<p>An Irish counsel who was once asked by the judge
+for whom he was "concerned," replied: "My lord, I am
+retained by the defendant, and therefore I am concerned
+for the plaintiff."</p>
+
+<p>A junior at the Bar in course of his speech began
+to use a simile of "the eagle soaring high above the
+mists of the earth, winning its daring flight against a
+midday sun till the contemplation becomes too dazzling
+for humanity, and mortal eyes gaze after it in
+vain." Here the orator was noticed to falter and lose
+the thread of his speech, and sat down after some vain
+attempts to regain it; the judge remarking: "The next
+time, sir, you bring an eagle into Court, I should recommend
+you to clip its wings."</p>
+
+<p>Mr. Tim Healy's power of effective and stinging repartee
+is probably unexcelled. He is seldom at a loss
+for a retort, and there are not a few politicians and
+others who regret having been foolish enough to rouse
+his resentment. There is on record, however, an amusing
+interlude in the passing of which Tim was discom<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</a></span>fited&mdash;crushed,
+and found himself unable to "rise to
+the occasion."</p>
+
+<p>During the hearing of a case at the Recorder's Court
+in Dublin the Testament on which the witnesses were
+being sworn disappeared. After a lengthy hunt for it,
+counsel for the defendant noticed that Mr. Healy had
+taken possession of the book, and was deeply absorbed
+in its contents, and quite unconscious of the dismay its
+disappearance was causing.</p>
+
+<p>"I think, sir," said the counsel, addressing the Recorder,
+"that Mr. Healy has the Testament." Hearing
+his name mentioned, Mr. Healy looked up, realised
+what had occurred, and, with apologies, handed it over.</p>
+
+<p>"You see, sir," added the counsel, "Mr. Healy was
+so interested that he did not know of our loss. He took
+it for a new publication." For once Mr. Healy's nimble
+wit failed him, and forced him to submit to the humiliation
+of being scored off.</p>
+
+<p>In the North of Ireland the peasantry pronounce the
+word witness "wetness." At Derry Assizes a man
+said he had brought his "wetness" with him to corroborate
+his evidence. "Bless me," said the judge, "about
+what age are you?"&mdash;"Forty-two my last birthday, my
+lord," replied the witness. "Do you mean to tell the
+jury," said the judge, "that at your age you still have a
+wet nurse?"&mdash;"Of course I have, my lord." Counsel
+hereupon interposed and explained.</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</a></span></p>
+<p>The witness who gave the following valuable testimony,
+however, was probably keeping strictly to fact.
+"I sees Phelim on the top of the wall. 'Paddy,' he says.
+'What,' says I. 'Here,' says he. 'Where?' says I.
+'Hush,' says he. 'Whist,' says I. And that's all."</p>
+
+<p>The wit of the Irish Bar seems to infect even the officers
+of the Courts and the people who enter the witness-box.
+It is impossible, for example, not to admire
+the fine irony of the usher who, when he was told to
+clear the Court, called out: "All ye blaggards that are
+not lawyers lave the building."</p>
+
+<p>Irish judges have much greater difficulties to contend
+against, because the people with whom they have
+to deal have a fund of ready retort. "Sir," said an exasperated
+Irish judge to a witness who refused to answer
+the questions put to him&mdash;"sir, this is a contempt
+of Court."&mdash;"I know it, my lord, but I was endeavouring
+to concale it," was the irresistible reply.</p>
+
+<p>A certain Irish attorney threatening to prosecute a
+printer for inserting in his paper the death of a person
+still living, informed him that "No person should publish
+a death unless informed of the fact by the party
+deceased."</p>
+
+<p>A rather amusing story is told of a trial where one of
+the Irish jurymen had been "got at" and bribed to secure
+the jury agreeing to a verdict of "Manslaughter,"
+however much they might want to return one upon the
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</a></span>capital charge of "Murder." The jury were out for several
+hours, and it was believed that eventually the result
+would be that they would not agree upon a verdict
+at all. However, close upon midnight, they were starved
+into one, and it was that of "Manslaughter." Next day
+the particular juryman concerned received his promised
+reward, and in paying it, the man who had arranged
+it for him remarked: "I suppose you had a great deal of
+difficulty in getting the other jurymen to agree to a
+verdict of 'Manslaughter'?"&mdash;"I should just think I
+did," replied the man. "I had to knock it into them, for
+all the others&mdash;the whole eleven of them&mdash;wanted to
+acquit him."</p>
+
+<p>An Irish lawyer addressed the Court as <i>Gentlemen</i>
+instead of <i>Your Honours</i>. When he had concluded, a
+brother lawyer pointed out his error. He immediately
+rose and apologised thus: "In the heat of the debate I
+called your honours gentlemen,&mdash;I made a mistake,
+your honours."</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</a></span></p>
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_FIVE" id="CHAPTER_FIVE"></a>CHAPTER FIVE<br />
+THE JUDGES OF SCOTLAND</h2>
+
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="poetryblock">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Ye Barristers of England<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Your triumphs idle are,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Till ye can match the names that ring<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Round Caledonia's Bar.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Your <i>John Doe</i> and your Richard Roe<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Are but a paltry pair:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Look at those who compose<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">The flocks round Brodie's Stair,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Who ruminate on Shaw and Tait<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And flock round Brodie's Stair.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span style="margin-left: 3em;">*&nbsp;&nbsp;*&nbsp;&nbsp;*&nbsp;&nbsp;*&nbsp;&nbsp;*<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"But, Barristers of England,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Come to us lovingly,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And any Scot who greets you not<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">We'll send to Coventry.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Put past your brief, embark for Leith,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And when you've landed there,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Any wight with delight<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Will point out Brodie's Stair<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Or lead you all through Fountainhall<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Till you enter Brodie's Stair."<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Outram</span>: <i>Legal and other Lyrics</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>CHAPTER FIVE<br />
+THE JUDGES OF SCOTLAND</h2>
+
+
+
+
+<p>From the Institution of the Court
+of Session by James V of Scotland till well into the
+nineteenth century, it was the custom of Scottish judges
+when taking their seat on the Bench to assume a title
+from an estate&mdash;it might even be from a farm&mdash;already
+in their own or their family's possession. So we find
+that nearly every parish in Scotland has given birth to
+a judge who by this practice has made that parish or
+an estate in it more or less familiar to Scottish ears.
+Monboddo, near Fordoun, in Kincardineshire, at once
+recalls the judge who gave "attic suppers" in his
+house in St. John Street, Edinburgh, and held a theory
+that all infants were born with tails like monkeys; but
+under the modern practice of simply adding "Lord"
+to his surname of Burnet, we doubt if his eccentric
+personality would be so readily remembered. Lord
+Dirleton's <i>Doubts</i>, Lord Fountainhall's <i>Historical
+Observes</i>, carry a more imposing sound in their titles
+than if those one-time indispensable works of reference
+had been simply named Nisbet on Legal Doubts,
+and Lauder on Historical Observations of Memorable
+Events.</p>
+
+<p>The selection of a title was an important matter with
+these old judges. When Lauder was raised to the
+Bench, his estate to the south-east of Edinburgh was
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</a></span>called Woodhead; but it would never have done for
+a Senator of the College of Justice to be known as
+"Lord Woodhead," so the name of the estate was
+changed to Fountainhall, and as Lord Fountainhall he
+took his seat among "the Fifteen" as the full Bench
+of judges was then termed.</p>
+
+<p>These old-time judges with their rugged ferocity,
+corruption, and occasionally brave words and deeds,
+in a great measure present to us now a miniature history
+of Scotland in the seventeenth and eighteenth
+centuries. "Show me the man, and I will show you the
+law," one is reported to have said, meaning that the
+litigant with the longest purse was pretty certain to
+win his case in the long run. They delighted in long
+arguments, and highly appreciated bewilderment in
+pleadings; "Dinna be brief," cried one judge when an
+advocate modestly asked to be briefly heard in a case
+in which he appeared as junior counsel. But the tendency
+to delay cases in the old Courts stretched beyond
+all reasonable lengths and became a scandal to the
+country. It was not a question of a month or even a
+year. Years passed and still cases remained undecided,
+some even were passed on from one generation
+to another&mdash;a litigant by his will handing on his plea
+in the Court to his successor along with his estate.
+This protracted delay in deciding causes formed the
+subject of that highly amusing and characteristic skit
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</a></span>on the Scottish judges for which Boswell was largely
+responsible:<br /><br /></p>
+
+<div class="poetryblock">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">THE COURT OF SESSION GARLAND<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Part First</span><br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The Bill charged on was payable at sight<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And decree was craved by Alexander Wight;<a name="FNanchor_1_1" id="FNanchor_1_1"></a><a href="#Footnote_1_1" class="fnanchor">[1]</a><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But, because it bore a penalty in case of failzie<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">It therefore was null contended Willie Baillie.<a name="FNanchor_2_2" id="FNanchor_2_2"></a><a href="#Footnote_2_2" class="fnanchor">[2]</a><br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The Ordinary not chusing to judge it at random<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Did with the minutes make avizandum.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And as the pleadings were vague and windy<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">His Lordship ordered memorials <i>hinc inde</i>.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">We setting a stout heart to a stey brae<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Took into the cause Mr. David Rae:<a name="FNanchor_3_3" id="FNanchor_3_3"></a><a href="#Footnote_3_3" class="fnanchor">[3]</a><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Lord Auchenleck,<a name="FNanchor_4_4" id="FNanchor_4_4"></a><a href="#Footnote_4_4" class="fnanchor">[4]</a> however, repelled our defence,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And over and above decerned for expence.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">However of our cause not being asham'd,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Unto the whole Lords we straightway reclaim'd;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And our petition was appointed to be seen,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Because it was drawn by Robbie Macqueen.<a name="FNanchor_5_5" id="FNanchor_5_5"></a><a href="#Footnote_5_5" class="fnanchor">[5]</a><br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The answer of Lockhart<a name="FNanchor_6_6" id="FNanchor_6_6"></a><a href="#Footnote_6_6" class="fnanchor">[6]</a> himself it was wrote,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And in it no argument or fact was forgot;<br /></span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</a></span><span class="i0">He is the lawyer that from no cause will flinch,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And on this occasion divided the Bench.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Alemoor,<a name="FNanchor_7_7" id="FNanchor_7_7"></a><a href="#Footnote_7_7" class="fnanchor">[7]</a> the judgment as illegal blames,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Tis equity, you bitch, replies my Lord Kames;<a name="FNanchor_8_8" id="FNanchor_8_8"></a><a href="#Footnote_8_8" class="fnanchor">[8]</a><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">This cause, cries Hailes,<a name="FNanchor_9_9" id="FNanchor_9_9"></a><a href="#Footnote_9_9" class="fnanchor">[9]</a> to judge I can't pretend,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For Justice, I see, wants an <i>e</i> at the end.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Lord Coalston<a name="FNanchor_10_10" id="FNanchor_10_10"></a><a href="#Footnote_10_10" class="fnanchor">[10]</a> expressed his doubts and his fears,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And Strichen<a name="FNanchor_11_11" id="FNanchor_11_11"></a><a href="#Footnote_11_11" class="fnanchor">[11]</a> then in his weel weels and O dears;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">This cause much resembles that of M'Harg,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And should go the same way, says Lordy Barjarg.<a name="FNanchor_12_12" id="FNanchor_12_12"></a><a href="#Footnote_12_12" class="fnanchor">[12]</a><br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Let me tell you, my Lords, this cause is no joke;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Says with a horse laugh my Lord Elliock<a name="FNanchor_13_13" id="FNanchor_13_13"></a><a href="#Footnote_13_13" class="fnanchor">[13]</a><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To have read all the papers I pretend not to brag,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Says my Lord Gardenstone<a name="FNanchor_14_14" id="FNanchor_14_14"></a><a href="#Footnote_14_14" class="fnanchor">[14]</a> with a snuff and a wag.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Up rose the President,<a name="FNanchor_15_15" id="FNanchor_15_15"></a><a href="#Footnote_15_15" class="fnanchor">[15]</a> and an angry man was he,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To alter this judgment I never can agree;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The east wing said yes, and the west wing cried not,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And it carried ahere by my Lord's casting vote.<br /></span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</a></span></div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">This cause being somewhat knotty and perplext,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Their Lordships not knowing what they'd determine next;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And as the session was to rise so soon,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">They superseded extract till the 12th of June.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Part Second</span><br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Having lost it, so now we prepare for the summer,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And on the 12th of June presented a reclaimer;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But dreading a refuse, we gave Dundas<a name="FNanchor_16_16" id="FNanchor_16_16"></a><a href="#Footnote_16_16" class="fnanchor">[16]</a> a fee,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And though it run nigh it was carried to see.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">In order to bring aid from usage beyond,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The answers were drawn by quondam Mess John;<a name="FNanchor_17_17" id="FNanchor_17_17"></a><a href="#Footnote_17_17" class="fnanchor">[17]</a><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He united with such art our law the civil,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That the counsel, on both sides, would have seen him to the devil.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The cause being called, my Lord Justice-Clerk,<a name="FNanchor_18_18" id="FNanchor_18_18"></a><a href="#Footnote_18_18" class="fnanchor">[18]</a><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With all due respect, began a loud bark;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He appeal'd to his conscience, his heart, and from thence,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Concluded to alter, but give no expence.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Lord Stonefield,<a name="FNanchor_19_19" id="FNanchor_19_19"></a><a href="#Footnote_19_19" class="fnanchor">[19]</a> unwilling his judgment to podder,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Or to be precipitate agreed with his brother;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But Monboddo<a name="FNanchor_20_20" id="FNanchor_20_20"></a><a href="#Footnote_20_20" class="fnanchor">[20]</a> was clear the bill to enforce,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Because, he observed, 'twas the price of a horse.<br /></span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</a></span></div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Says Pitfour<a name="FNanchor_21_21" id="FNanchor_21_21"></a><a href="#Footnote_21_21" class="fnanchor">[21]</a> with a wink and his hat all agee,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I remember a case in the year twenty-three,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The magistrates of Banff contra Robert Carr,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I remember well, I was then at the Bar.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Likewise, my Lords, in the case of Peter Caw,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0"><i>Superflua non nocent</i> was found to be law:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Lord Kennet<a name="FNanchor_22_22" id="FNanchor_22_22"></a><a href="#Footnote_22_22" class="fnanchor">[22]</a> also quoted the case of one Lithgow<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Where a penalty in a bill was held <i>pro non scripto</i>.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Lord President brought his chair to the plum,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Laid hold of the bench and brought forward his bum;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In these answers, my Lords, some freedoms have been used,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Which I could point out, provided I chus'd.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">I was for this interlocutor, my Lords, I admit,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But am open to conviction as long's I here do sit;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To oppose your precedents I quote you some clauses,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But Tait<a name="FNanchor_23_23" id="FNanchor_23_23"></a><a href="#Footnote_23_23" class="fnanchor">[23]</a> <i>a priori</i> hurried up the causes.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">He prov'd it as clear as the sun in the sky<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That the maxims of law could not here apply,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That the writing in question was neither bill nor band<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But something unknown in the law of the land.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">The question adhere or alter being put,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">It carried to alter by a casting vote:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Baillie then mov'd.&mdash;In the bill there's a raze,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But by that time their Lordships had called a new case.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+</div></div>
+</div>
+
+<div class="footnotes"><h3>FOOTNOTES:</h3>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_1_1" id="Footnote_1_1"></a><a href="#FNanchor_1_1"><span class="label">[1]</span></a> Wight: a well-known advocate of the period.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_2_2" id="Footnote_2_2"></a><a href="#FNanchor_2_2"><span class="label">[2]</span></a> Baillie: Lord Palkemmet.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_3_3" id="Footnote_3_3"></a><a href="#FNanchor_3_3"><span class="label">[3]</span></a> Afterwards Lord Eskgrove.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_4_4" id="Footnote_4_4"></a><a href="#FNanchor_4_4"><span class="label">[4]</span></a> The father of James Boswell.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_5_5" id="Footnote_5_5"></a><a href="#FNanchor_5_5"><span class="label">[5]</span></a> Afterwards Lord Braxfield.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_6_6" id="Footnote_6_6"></a><a href="#FNanchor_6_6"><span class="label">[6]</span></a> Lord Covington.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_7_7" id="Footnote_7_7"></a><a href="#FNanchor_7_7"><span class="label">[7]</span></a> Andrew Pringle.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_8_8" id="Footnote_8_8"></a><a href="#FNanchor_8_8"><span class="label">[8]</span></a> Henry Home, who was notorious for the use of the epithet in
+the text.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_9_9" id="Footnote_9_9"></a><a href="#FNanchor_9_9"><span class="label">[9]</span></a> Sir David Dalrymple, author of the <i>Annals of Scotland</i>.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_10_10" id="Footnote_10_10"></a><a href="#FNanchor_10_10"><span class="label">[10]</span></a> George Brown of Coalston.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_11_11" id="Footnote_11_11"></a><a href="#FNanchor_11_11"><span class="label">[11]</span></a> Alexander Fraser of Strichen.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_12_12" id="Footnote_12_12"></a><a href="#FNanchor_12_12"><span class="label">[12]</span></a> James Erskine, who changed his title to Lord Alva.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_13_13" id="Footnote_13_13"></a><a href="#FNanchor_13_13"><span class="label">[13]</span></a> James Veitch.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_14_14" id="Footnote_14_14"></a><a href="#FNanchor_14_14"><span class="label">[14]</span></a> Francis Garden, who founded the town of Laurencekirk in
+Kincardineshire.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_15_15" id="Footnote_15_15"></a><a href="#FNanchor_15_15"><span class="label">[15]</span></a> Robert Dundas, first Lord President of that name.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_16_16" id="Footnote_16_16"></a><a href="#FNanchor_16_16"><span class="label">[16]</span></a> Henry, first Viscount Melville, the friend of Pitt.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_17_17" id="Footnote_17_17"></a><a href="#FNanchor_17_17"><span class="label">[17]</span></a> A nickname for John Erskine of Carnoch.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_18_18" id="Footnote_18_18"></a><a href="#FNanchor_18_18"><span class="label">[18]</span></a> Sir Thomas Miller of Glenlee.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_19_19" id="Footnote_19_19"></a><a href="#FNanchor_19_19"><span class="label">[19]</span></a> John Campbell, raised to the Bench in 1796.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_20_20" id="Footnote_20_20"></a><a href="#FNanchor_20_20"><span class="label">[20]</span></a> Jas. Burnet of Monboddo, who had a theory that human beings
+were born with tails.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_21_21" id="Footnote_21_21"></a><a href="#FNanchor_21_21"><span class="label">[21]</span></a> James Ferguson of Pitfour. Owing to weak eyesight he wore his
+hat on the Bench.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_22_22" id="Footnote_22_22"></a><a href="#FNanchor_22_22"><span class="label">[22]</span></a> Robert Bruce of Kennet.</p></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_23_23" id="Footnote_23_23"></a><a href="#FNanchor_23_23"><span class="label">[23]</span></a> Clerk of Session.</p></div></div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><br />It was the first Lord Meadowbank, who wearying of
+the dry statement of a case made by Mr. Thomas W.
+Blair, broke in with the remark: "Declaim, sir! why
+don't you declaim? Speak to me as if I were a popular
+assembly."</p>
+
+<p>In the reign of Queen Anne there was an old Scottish
+judge&mdash;Lord Dun&mdash;who was particularly distinguished
+for his piety. Thomas Coutts, the founder of
+the bank now so well known, used to relate of him that
+when a difficult case came before him, as Lord Ordinary,
+he used to say, "Eh, Lord, what am I to do? Eh,
+sirs, I wish you would make it up!" Of another judge
+of much the same period, also noted for his strict observance
+of religious ordinances; but who, at the same
+time, did not allow these to interfere with his social
+habits, it is related that every Saturday evening he had
+with him his niece, who afterwards married a more
+famous Scottish judge, Andrew Fletcher, Lord Milton,
+Charles Ross who made himself prominent in the "45"
+Rebellion, and David Reid, his clerk. The judge had
+what was, and in some parts of Scotland still is, known
+as "the exercise," which consisted of the reading of a
+chapter from the Bible, and his form of announcing the
+evening devotions was: "Betsy (his niece), ye hae a
+sweet voice, lift ye up a psalm; Charles, ye hae a gey
+strong voice, read the chapter; and David, fire ye the
+plate." Firing the plate consisted of a dish of brandy
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</a></span>prepared for the company, of which David took charge,
+and while the first part of the proceedings were in
+progress David lighted the brandy, which when he
+thought it burnt to his master's taste he blew out, and
+this was the signal for the others to stop, while the
+whole company partook of the burnt brandy. This same
+judge&mdash;Lord Forglen&mdash;was walking one day with Lord
+Newhall, in the latter's grounds. Lord Newhall was
+a grave and austere man, while, as may be gathered,
+Lord Forglen was a medley of curious elements. As
+they passed a picturesque bend of a river Lord Forglen
+exclaimed: "Now, my lord, this is a fine walk. If
+ye want to pray to God, can there be a better place?
+If ye want to kiss a bonny lass, can there be a better
+place?"</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 291px;">
+<a name="lord_eskgrove" id="lord_eskgrove"></a>
+<img src="images/lord_eskgrove.jpg" width="291" height="390" alt="SIR DAVID RAE, LORD ESKGROVE." title="" />
+<span class="caption">SIR DAVID RAE, LORD ESKGROVE.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Sir David Rae (Lord Eskgrove), Lord Justice-Clerk
+of Scotland, has been described as a ludicrous person
+about whom people seemed to have nothing else to do
+but tell stories. Sir Walter Scott imitated perfectly
+his slow manner of speech and peculiar pronunciation,
+which always put an accent on the last syllable of a
+word, and the letter "g" when at the end of a word got
+its full value. When a knot of young advocates was
+seen standing round the fireplace of the Parliament
+Hall listening to a low muttering voice, and the party
+suddenly broke up in roars of laughter, it was pretty
+certain to be a select company to whom Sir Walter had
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</a></span>been retailing one of the latest stories of Lord Eskgrove.</p>
+
+<p>He was a man of much self-importance, which comes
+out in his remarks to a young lady of great beauty who
+was called as a witness in the trial of Glengarry for
+murder. "Young woman, you will now consider yourself
+as in the presence of Almighty God, and of this
+Court; lift up your veil, throw off all modesty, and look
+<i>me</i> in the face."</p>
+
+<p>Sir John Henderson of Fordell, a zealous Whig, had
+long nauseated the Scottish Civil Courts by his burgh
+politics. Their lordships of the Bench had once to fix
+the amount of some discretionary penalty that he had
+incurred. Lord Eskgrove began to give his opinion in
+a very low voice, but loud enough to be heard by those
+next him, to the effect that the fine ought to be &pound;50,
+when Sir John, with his usual imprudence, interrupted
+him and begged him to raise his voice, adding
+that if judges did not speak so as to be heard they
+might as well not speak at all. Lord Eskgrove, who
+could never endure any imputation of bodily infirmity,
+asked his neighbour, "What does the fellow say?"&mdash;"He
+says, that if you don't speak out, you may as
+well hold your tongue."&mdash;"Oh, is that what he says?
+My lords, what I was saying was very simpell; I was
+only sayingg, that in my humbell opinyon this fine
+could not be less than &pound;250 sterlingg"&mdash;this sum being
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</a></span>roared out as loudly as his old angry voice could
+launch it.</p>
+
+<p>A common saying of his to juries was: "And now,
+gentle-men, having shown you that the panell's argument
+is impossibill, I shall now proceed to show you
+that it is extremely improbabill."</p>
+
+<p>In condemning some persons to death for breaking
+into Sir John Colquhoun's house and assaulting him
+and others, as well as robbing them, Eskgrove, after
+enumerating minutely the details of their crime, closed
+his address to the prisoners with this climax: "All this
+you did; and God preserve us! juist when they were
+sitten doon tae their denner."</p>
+
+<p>When condemning a tailor convicted of stabbing a
+soldier, the offence was aggravated in Lord Eskgrove's
+eyes by the fact that "not only did you murder him,
+whereby he was berea-ved of his life, but you did
+thrust, or push, or pierce, or project, or propell, the
+le-thall weapon through the belly-band of his regimental
+breeches, which were his Majesty's."</p>
+
+<p>One of the most biting of caustic jests made by a
+judge of the old Court of Session of Scotland, before its
+reconstruction at the beginning of the nineteenth century,
+was uttered during the hearing of a claim to a peerage.
+The claimant was obviously resting his case upon
+forged documents, and the judge suddenly remarked in
+the broad dialect of the time, "If ye persevere ye'll nae
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</a></span>
+doot be a peer, but it will be a peer o' anither tree!"
+The claimant did not appreciate this idea of being
+grafted, and abandoned the case.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>To return to the stories of the earlier period of the
+eighteenth century, there is one told of Lord Halkerston.
+He was waited on by a tenant, who with a woeful
+countenance informed his lordship that one of his
+cows had gored a cow belonging to the judge, and he
+feared the injured animal could not live. "Well, then,
+of course you must pay for it," said his lordship. "Indeed,
+my lord, it was not my fault, and you know I am
+but a very poor man."&mdash;"I can't help that. The law
+says you must pay for it. I am not to lose my cow, am
+I?"&mdash;"Well, my lord, if it must be so, I cannot say
+more. But I forgot what I was saying. It was my mistake
+entirely. I should have said that it was your lordship's
+cow that gored mine."&mdash;"Oh, is that it? That's
+quite a different affair. Go along, and don't trouble me
+just now. I am very busy. Be off, I say!"</p>
+
+<p>And there is one of the testy old Lord Polkemmet
+when he interrupted Mr. James Ferguson, afterwards
+Lord Kilkerran, whose energy in enforcing a point in
+his address to the Bench took the form of beating violently
+on the table: "Maister Jemmy, dinna dunt; ye
+may think ye're dunting it <i>intill me</i>, but ye're juist
+<i>dunting it oot o' me</i>, man."</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</a></span></p>
+<p>He was reputed to be dull, and rarely decided a case
+upon the first hearing. On one occasion, after having
+heard counsel, among whom was the Hon. Henry
+Erskine, John Clerk, and others, in a cause of no great
+difficulty, he addressed the Bar: "Well, Maister Erskine,
+I heard you, and I thocht ye were richt; syne I heard
+you, Dauvid, and I thocht ye were richt; and noo I hae
+heard Maister Clerk, and I think he's richtest amang ye
+a'. That bauthers me, ye see! Sae I man een tak' hame
+the process an' wimble-wamble it i' ma wame a wee
+ower ma toddy, and syne ye'se hae ma interlocutor."</p>
+
+<p>"The Fifteen," as the full Bench of the old Court of
+Session of Scotland was popularly called, were deliberating
+on a bill of suspension and interdict relative to
+certain caravans with wild beasts on the then vacant
+ground which formed the beginning of the new communication
+with the new Town of Edinburgh spreading
+westwards and the Lawnmarket&mdash;now known as the
+Mound. In the course of the proceedings Lord Bannatyne
+fell fast asleep. The case was disposed of and the
+next called, which related to a right of lien over certain
+goods. The learned lord who continued dozing having
+heard the word "lien" pronounced with an emphatic
+accent by Lord Meadowbank, raised the following
+discussion:</p>
+
+<p>Meadowbank: "I am very clear that there was a lien
+on this property."</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</a></span></p><p>Bannatyne: "Certain; but it ought to be chained,
+because&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>Balmuto: "My lord, it's no a livin' lion, it's the Latin
+word for lien" (leen).</p>
+
+<p>Hermand: "No, sir; the word is French."</p>
+
+<p>Balmuto: "I thought it was Latin, for it's in italics."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 289px;">
+<a name="lord_kames" id="lord_kames"></a>
+<img src="images/lord_kames.jpg" width="289" height="390" alt="HENRY HOME, LORD KAMES." title="" />
+<span class="caption">HENRY HOME, LORD KAMES.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Henry Home (Lord Kames) was at once one of the
+most enlightened and learned of Scottish judges of the
+latter half of the eighteenth century, and one of the most
+eccentric. His <i>History of Mankind</i> brought him into
+correspondence with most of the famous men and
+women of his day, and yet it was his delight to walk
+up the Canongate and High Street with a half-witted
+creature who made it his business to collect all the gossip
+of the town and retail it to his lordship as he made
+his way to Court in the morning. His humour was very
+sarcastic, and nothing delighted him more than to observe
+that it cut home. Leaving the Court one day
+shortly before his death he met James Boswell, and
+accosted him with, "Well, Boswell, I shall be meeting
+your old father one of these days, what shall I say to
+him how you are getting on now?" Boswell disdained
+to reply. After a witness in a capital trial at Perth Circuit
+concluded his evidence, Lord Kames said to him,
+"Sir, I have one question more to ask you, and remember
+you are on your oath. You say you are from
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</a></span>Brechin?"&mdash;"Yes, my lord."&mdash;"When do you return
+thither?"&mdash;"To-morrow, my lord."&mdash;"Do you know
+Colin Gillies?"&mdash;"Yes, my lord; I know him very well."&mdash;"Then
+tell him that I shall breakfast with him on
+Tuesday morning."</p>
+
+<p>Lord Kames used to relate a story of a man who
+claimed the honour of his acquaintance on rather singular
+grounds. His lordship, when one of the justiciary
+judges, returning from the North Circuit to Perth,
+happened one night to sleep at Dunkeld. The next
+morning, walking towards the ferry, but apprehending
+he had missed his way, he asked a man whom he met
+to conduct him. The other answered, with much cordiality,
+"That I will do with all my heart, my lord. Does
+not your lordship remember me? My name's John &mdash;&mdash;. I
+have had the <i>honour</i> to be before your lordship
+for stealing sheep!"&mdash;"Oh, John, I remember you well;
+and how is your wife? She had the honour to be before
+me too, for receiving them, knowing them to be stolen."&mdash;"At
+your lordship's service. We were very lucky;
+we got off for want of evidence; and I am still going on
+in the butcher trade."&mdash;"Then," replied his lordship,
+"we may have the honour of meeting again."</p>
+
+<p>Once when on Circuit his lordship had been dozing
+on the bench, a noise created by the entrance of a
+new panel woke him, and he inquired what the matter
+was. "Oh, it's a woman, my lord, accused of child
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</a></span>murder."&mdash;"And a weel farred b&mdash;h too," muttered
+his lordship, loud enough to be heard by those present.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 307px;">
+<a name="lord_eldin" id="lord_eldin"></a>
+<img src="images/lord_eldin.jpg" width="307" height="390" alt="JOHN CLERK, LORD ELDIN." title="" />
+<span class="caption">JOHN CLERK, LORD ELDIN.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>John Clerk (Lord Eldin) was one of the best-known
+advocates at the Scottish Bar in the first quarter of the
+nineteenth century, and probably the last of them to
+retain the old Scots style of pronunciation. His voice
+was loud and his manner brow-beating, from which the
+Bench suffered equally with his brother members of
+the Bar. He suffered from a lameness in one leg, which
+was made the subject of a passing remark by two
+young women in the High Street of Edinburgh one
+day as Clerk was making his way to Court. "There
+goes John Clerk the lame lawyer," said one to the
+other. Clerk overheard the remark, and turning back
+addressed the speaker: "The lame man, my good woman,
+not the lame lawyer."</p>
+
+<p>The stories of his advocate days are numerous, and
+many of them probably well known. In his retention
+of old Scots pronunciation he got the better of Lord
+Eldon when pleading before the House of Lords one
+day. "That's the whole thing in plain English, ma
+lords," he said. "In plain Scotch, you mean, Mr. Clerk."&mdash;"Nae
+maitter, in plain common sense, ma lords, and
+that's the same in a' languages." On another occasion
+before the same tribunal he had frequently referred to
+water, pronouncing it "watter," when he was interrupt<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</a></span>ed
+by the inquiry, "Do you spell water with two t's in
+the north, Mr. Clerk?"&mdash;"No, my lord, but we spell
+mainners wi' twa n's." And there is the well-known
+one of his use of the word "enough," which in old Scots
+was pronounced "enow." His repetition of the word
+in the latter form drew from the Lord Chancellor the
+remark that at the English Courts the word was
+pronounced "enough." "Very well, my lord," replied
+Clerk, and he proceeded with his address till coming
+to describe his client, who was a ploughman, and his
+client's claim, he went on: "My lords, my client is a
+pluffman, who pluffs a pluff gang o' land in the parish
+of," &amp;c. "Oh! just go on with your own pronunciation,
+Mr. Clerk," remarked the Lord Chancellor.</p>
+
+<p>His encounters with members of the Scottish Bench
+were of a more personal character. Indeed, for years he
+appears to have held most of them in unfeigned contempt.
+A junior counsel on hearing their lordships
+give judgment against his client exclaimed that he was
+surprised at such a decision. This was construed into
+contempt of Court, and he was ordered to attend at
+the Bar next morning. Fearing the consequences of
+his rash remark, he consulted John Clerk, who offered
+to apologise for him in a way that would avert any unpleasant
+result. Accordingly, when the name of the
+delinquent was called, John Clerk rose and addressed
+the Bench: "I am sorry, my lords, that my young
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[Pg 169]</a></span>friend so far forgot himself as to treat your lordships
+with disrespect. He is extremely penitent, and you
+will kindly ascribe his unintentional insult to his ignorance.
+You will see at once that it did not originate
+in that: he said he was surprised at the decision of your
+lordships. Now, if he had not been very ignorant of
+what takes place in this Court every day; had he known
+your lordships but half so long as I have done, he
+would not be surprised at anything you did."</p>
+
+<p>Two judges, father and son, sat on the Scottish
+Bench, in succession, under the title of Lord Meadowbank.
+The second Lord Meadowbank was by no means
+such a powerful judge as his father. In his Court, Clerk
+was pressing his construction of some words in a conveyance,
+and contrasting the use of the word "also"
+with the use of the word "likewise."</p>
+
+<p>"Surely, Mr. Clerk," said his lordship, "you cannot
+seriously argue that 'also' means anything different
+from 'likewise'! They mean precisely the same thing;
+and it matters not which of them is preferred."&mdash;"Not
+at all, my lord; there is all the difference in the world
+between these two words. Let us take an instance:
+your worthy father was a judge on that Bench; your
+lordship is 'also' a judge on the same Bench; but it
+does not follow that you are a judge 'like wise.'"</p>
+
+<p>When Meadowbank was about to be raised to the
+Bench he consulted John Clerk about the title he
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[Pg 170]</a></span>should adopt. Clerk's suggestion was "Lord Preserve
+Us." The legal acquirements of James Wolfe Murray
+were not held in high esteem by his brethren of the
+Bar, and when he became a judge with the title of
+Lord Cringletie, Clerk wrote the following clever epigram:</p>
+
+<div class="poetryblock">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Necessity and Cringletie<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Are fitted to a tittle;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Necessity has nae law,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And Cringletie as little."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+</div>
+
+<p>The only man on the Bench for whom John Clerk
+retained a respectfulness not generally exhibited to
+others in that position was Lord President Blair. After
+hearing the President overturn without any effort an
+argument he had laboriously built up, and which appeared
+to be regarded as unsurmountable by the audience
+who heard it, Clerk sat still for a few moments,
+then as he rose to leave the Court he was heard to say:
+"My man, God Almighty spared nae pains when He
+made your brains."</p>
+
+<p>When he ascended the Bench in his sixty-fifth year,
+and when his physical powers were declining, he received
+the congratulations of his brother judges, one
+of whom expressed surprise that he had waited so long
+for the distinction. "Well, you see, I did not get 'doited'
+just as soon as the rest of you," replied the new-made
+judge.</p>
+
+<p>Like the generation preceding his, Clerk was of a
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[Pg 171]</a></span>very convivial disposition. Of him the story is told that
+one Sunday morning, while people were making their
+way to church, he appeared at his door in York Place
+in his dressing-gown and cowl, with a lighted candle
+in his hand, showing out two friends who had been carousing
+with him, and in the firm belief that it was
+about midnight instead of next mid-day. At the termination
+of a Bannatyne Club dinner, where wit and
+wine had contended for the mastery, the excited judge
+on the way to his carriage tumbled downstairs and,
+<i>miserabile dictu</i>, broke his nose, an accident which
+compelled him to confine himself to the house for some
+time. He reappeared, however, with a large patch on
+his olfactory member, which gave a most ludicrous expression
+to his face. On someone inquiring how this
+happened, he said it was the effect of his studies.
+"Studies!" ejaculated the inquirer. "Yes," growled
+the judge; "ye've heard, nae doot, about <i>Coke upon
+Littleton</i>, but I suppose you never before heard of
+<i>Clerk upon Stair</i>!"</p>
+
+<p>When asked by a friend what was the difference
+between him and Lord Eldon, the Lord Chancellor of
+England, Eldin replied; "Oh, there's only an 'i' of a
+difference."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 285px;">
+<a name="lord_newton" id="lord_newton"></a>
+<img src="images/lord_newton.jpg" width="285" height="390" alt="CHARLES HAY, LORD NEWTON." title="" />
+<span class="caption">CHARLES HAY, LORD NEWTON.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Charles Hay (Lord Newton), known in private life
+as "The Mighty," has been described by Lord Cock<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[Pg 172]</a></span>burn
+as "famous for law, paunch, whist, claret, and
+worth." His indulgence in wine and his great bulk
+made him slumbrous, and when sitting in Court after
+getting the gist of a case he almost invariably fell fast
+asleep. Yet it is strange to find it recorded that whenever
+anything pertinent to the matter under discussion
+was said he was immediately wide awake and in full
+possession of his reasoning faculties. While a very
+zealous but inexperienced counsel was pleading before
+him, his lordship had been dozing, as usual, for
+some time, till at last the young man, supposing him
+asleep, and confident of a favourable judgment in his
+case, stopped short in his pleading and, addressing
+the other judges on the Bench, said: "My lords, it is
+unnecessary that I should go on, as Lord Newton is
+fast asleep."&mdash;"Ay, ay," cried Lord Newton, "you will
+have proof of that by and by"&mdash;when, to the astonishment
+of the young advocate, after a most luminous
+view of the case, he gave a very decided and elaborate
+judgment against him.</p>
+
+<p>Lord Jeffrey himself declared that he only went to
+Oxford to improve his accent, and according to some
+of the older members of the Bar of his days, he only
+lost his Scots accent and did not learn the English. A
+story of his early days at the Bar is related to the
+effect that when pleading before Lord Newton the
+judge stopped him and asked in broad Scots, "Whaur
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</a></span>were ye educat', Maister Jawfrey."&mdash;"Oxford, my
+lord."&mdash;"Then I doot ye maun gang back there again,
+for we can mak' nocht o' ye here." But Mr. Jeffrey
+got back his own. For, before the same judge, happening
+to speak of an "itinerant violinist," Lord Newton
+inquired: "D'ye mean a blin' fiddler?"&mdash;"Vulgarly so
+called, my lord," was the reply.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 293px;">
+<a name="lord_cockburn" id="lord_cockburn"></a>
+<img src="images/lord_cockburn.jpg" width="293" height="390" alt="HENRY COCKBURN, LORD COCKBURN." title="" />
+<span class="caption">HENRY COCKBURN, LORD COCKBURN.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Circuit Courts were in Scotland, in the eighteenth
+and early years of the nineteenth century (as in England
+and Ireland), occasions for a great display in the
+county towns in which they were held. Whether the
+judges had arrived on horseback or as later in their
+private carriages, there was always the procession to
+the court-house, in which the notabilities of the district
+took part. Lord Cockburn, who had no sympathy with
+this part of a judge's duties, thus describes one of his
+experiences in the early days of his Circuit journeys:
+"Yet there are some of us who like the procession,
+though it can never be anything but mean and ludicrous,
+and who fancy that a line of soldiers, or the more
+civic array of paltry policemen, or of doited special constables,
+protecting a couple of judges who flounder in
+awkward gowns and wigs through ill-paved streets,
+followed by a few sneering advocates and preceded
+by two or three sheriffs or their substitutes, with their
+swords, which trip them, and a provost and some
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[Pg 174]</a></span>bailie-bodies trying to look grand, the whole defended
+by a poor iron mace, and advancing each with a different
+step, to the sound of two cracked trumpets, ill-blown
+by a couple of drunken royal trumpeters, the
+spectators all laughing, who fancy that all this pretence
+of greatness and reality of littleness contributes
+to the dignity of judges." Things are changed now.
+Even Lord Cockburn saw the change that the introduction
+of railways made in the progress of Circuit
+work, and with them a lesser display and more dignified
+opening of the courts of justice in local towns.
+But the older Circuits were times of much feasting and
+merriment, in which the judges of that period took their
+full share as well as the members of the Bar accompanying
+them. In the eyes of some of these old worthies
+it was part of the dignity of their position to sit
+down after Court work at two o'clock in the morning to
+a collation of salmon and roast beef, and drink bumpers
+of claret and mulled port with the provosts and
+other local worthies, although they were due in Court
+that same morning at nine to try some miserable creature
+for a serious crime. Lord Pitmilly had no stomach
+for such proceedings, his inclination was stronger for
+decorum and law than for revelling. Once at a Circuit
+town he ordered his servant to bring to his room a
+kettle of hot water. Lord Hermand on his way to dinner
+at midnight, meeting the servant, said, "God bless
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[Pg 175]</a></span>me, is he going to make a whole kettle of punch&mdash;and
+before supper too?"&mdash;"No, my lord, he's going to bed,
+but he wants to bathe his feet."&mdash;"Feet, sir! what ails
+his feet? Tell him to put some rum among it, and to
+give it all to his stomach."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>The Circuit sermon was an important part of the
+duties to which the judges had to attend in the course
+of their visits in the country. One of these that Lord
+Cockburn had to listen to was delivered from the text,
+"What are these that are arrayed in white robes, and
+whence came they?" There was nothing personal intended,
+but the ermine on the judges gowns naturally
+attracted significant glances from the other members
+of the congregation. A Glasgow clergyman and friend
+of the judge, not knowing that his lordship was present
+in his church, preached from the text, "There was
+in a city a judge which feared not God, neither regarded
+man." The announcement of the text directed all eyes
+towards the learned judge, which attracting the preacher's
+attention nearly prevented him from proceeding
+further with the service. The judge was the pious
+Lord Moncreiff, the son of the Rev. Sir Henry Wellwood
+Moncreiff, and the text stuck to him ever afterwards.
+But there seemed to have been deliberation in
+selection of the text made by a south-country minister
+who, before Lord Justice Boyle and Samuel M'Cor<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[Pg 176]</a></span>mick,
+Advocate-Depute, preached from I Samuel vii.
+16, "And Samuel went from year to year in circuit to
+Bethel, and Gilgal, and Mizpeh." The two legal gentlemen
+took offence at this audacious attempt to ridicule
+the Court, they identifying the places mentioned in the
+text as representing their circuit towns of Jedburgh,
+Dumfries, and Ayr. In this connection maybe told the
+story of Lord Hermand, beside whom stood the clergyman
+whose duty it was to offer up the opening prayer
+before the work of the Court began. He seemed to
+think the company had assembled for no other purpose
+than to hear him perform, and after praying loud and
+long his lordship's patience gave way, and with a decided
+jog of his elbow he exclaimed in a stage whisper,
+"We've a lot of business to do, sir."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>From a somewhat rare volume printed for private
+circulation we are permitted to quote the following
+ballad, the authorship of which may be easily guessed,
+as the circuiteer who mourns the loss of his Circuit
+days may be as easily identified.</p>
+
+<div class="poetryblock">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">THE EX-CIRCUITEER'S LAMENT<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i2">Ae morning at the dawning<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">I saw a Counsel yawning,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And heard him say, in accents that were anything but gay,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">As sadly he was grinding<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">At a meikle multiplepoinding,&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.<br /></span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[Pg 177]</a></span></div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i2">Nae banter frae Lord Deas,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Nae promises o' fees<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That never will be paid afore the judgment-day,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Nae lies dubbed "information,"<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">From the worst rogues in the nation,&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i2">Nae haveral wutty witness,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Displaying his unfitness,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Tae see some sma' distinction 'tween a trial and a play,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Nae witness primed at lunch<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Wi' perjuries and punch,&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i2">Nae laughing-gas orations,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Nae treading on the patience<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Of Judges and of Juries, who will let you say your say,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Yet pay but sma' attention<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">To the gems of your invention,&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i2">Nae mair delightful wondering<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">At a new man blandly blundering,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Nae kind hints from the Court that he's gangin far astray,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Nae flowery depictions<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">In the teeth of ten convictions,&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i2">Nae whacking ten years' sentence,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Wi' advices o' repentance,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And learn in years of leisure to admire the "law's delay."<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Nae fell female fury,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Blackguarding Judge and Jury,&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.<br /></span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[Pg 178]</a></span></div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i2">Nay grey auld woman sobbing,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Nae mair you'll catch her robbing,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And a' the Christian virtues henceforth she will display,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">If the Judge will but have mercy<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">(For the sixteenth time I daresay),&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i2">Nae processions, nae pageants,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Nae pawky country agents,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Nae macers, nae trumpeters, wi' tipsy blare and bray,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Nae Councillors or Bailie,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Or Provost smiling gaily,&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i2">Nae funny cross-examining,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Nae jurymen begammoning,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Nae laughter from the audience, nae gallery's hurrah,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Nae fleeching for acquittal,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Though you don't care a spittle,&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i2">Nae playing <i>hocus-pocus</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i2">With the <i>tempus</i> and the <i>locus</i>,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Nae pleas in mitigation (a kittle job are they),<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Nae bonny rapes and reivings,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Nae forgeries and thievings,&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i2">Nae dinners wi' the Judges,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Nae drooning a' your grudges<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In deep, deep draughts o' claret, and a' your senses tae,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Nae chatter wise or witty<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">On ticklish points o' dittay,&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.<br /></span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[Pg 179]</a></span></div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i2">Nae high-jinks after dinner<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Wi' ony madcap sinner,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Nae drinking whisky-toddy until the break o' day,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Nae speeches till a hiccup<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Compels a sudden stick-up,&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The nichts o' my Circuits are a' fled away.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+</div>
+
+<p>Lord Hermand's manner on the Bench conveyed the
+impression that he was of an impatient, almost savage
+temper, but in his domestic circle he was one of the
+warmest-hearted of men, and one with the simplest
+of tastes. His outbursts on the Bench, too, were emphasised
+by what, in Scotland, was called "Birr"&mdash;the
+emphatic energy of his pronunciation&mdash;which may be
+imagined but cannot be transcribed in the following
+dialogue between him and Lord Meadowbank.</p>
+
+<p>Meadowbank: "We are bound to give judgment in
+terms of the statute, my lords."</p>
+
+<p>Hermand: "A statute! What's a statute? Words&mdash;mere
+words. And am <i>I</i> to be tied down by words? No,
+my laards; I go by the law of right reason."</p>
+
+<p>He was a great friend of John Scott (Lord Eldon).
+In a case appealed to the House of Lords, Scott had
+taken the trouble to write out his speech, and read it
+over to Hermand, inviting his opinion of it. "It is delightful&mdash;absolutely
+delightful. I could listen to it for
+ever," said Hermand. "It is so beautifully written,
+and so beautifully read. But, sir, it's the greatest non<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[Pg 180]</a></span>sense!
+It may do very well for an English Chancellor,
+but it would disgrace a clerk with us." The blunder
+that drew forth this criticism was a gross one for a
+Scottish lawyer, but one an English barrister might
+readily fall into.</p>
+
+<p>It was put forward in mitigation of the crime that
+the prisoner was in liquor when, either rashly or accidentally,
+he stabbed his friend. While the other
+judges were in favour of a short sentence, Lord Hermand&mdash;who
+had no sympathy with a man who could
+not carry his liquor&mdash;was vehement for transportation:
+"We are told that there was no malice, and that
+the prisoner must have been in liquor. In liquor!
+Why, he was drunk!... And yet he murdered the
+very man who had been drinking with him! Good
+God, my laards, if he will do this when he is drunk,
+what will he not do when he is sober?"</p>
+
+<p>On one of Lord Hermand's circuits a wag put a
+musical-box, which played "Jack Alive," on one of the
+seats of the Court. The music struck the audience with
+consternation, and the judge stared in the air, looking
+unutterable things, and frantically called out, "Macer,
+what in the name of God is that?" The macer looked
+round in vain, when the wag called out, "It's 'Jack
+Alive,' my lord."&mdash;"Dead or alive, put him out this
+moment," called out the judge. "We can't grip him,
+my lord."&mdash;"If he has the art of hell, let every man as<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[Pg 181]</a></span>sist
+to arraign him before me, that I may commit him
+for this outrage and contempt." Everybody tried to
+discover the offender, and fortunately the music ceased.
+But it began again half an hour afterwards, and
+the judge exclaimed, "Is he there again? By all that's
+sacred, he shall not escape me this time&mdash;fence, bolt,
+bar the doors of the Court, and at your peril let not a
+man, living or dead, escape." All was bustle and confusion,
+the officers looked east and west, and up in the
+air and down on the floor; but the search was in vain.
+The judge at last began to suspect witchcraft, and
+exclaimed, "This is a <i>deceptio auris</i>&mdash;it is absolute
+delusion, necromancy, phantasmagoria." And to the
+day of his death the judge never understood the precise
+origin of this unwonted visitation.</p>
+
+<p>On another occasion, in his own Court in the Parliament
+House, he was annoyed by a noise near the
+door, and called to the macer, "What is that noise?"&mdash;"It's
+a man, my lord."&mdash;"What does he want?"&mdash;"He
+<i>wants in</i>, my lord."&mdash;"Keep him out!" The man, it
+seems, did get in, and soon afterwards a like noise was
+renewed, and his lordship again demanded, "What's
+the noise there?"&mdash;"It's the same man, my lord."&mdash;"What
+does he want now?"&mdash;"He <i>wants out</i>, my
+lord."&mdash;"Then <i>keep him in</i>&mdash;I say, <i>keep him in</i>!"</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Lord President Campbell, after the fashion of those
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</a></span>times, was somewhat addicted to browbeating young
+counsel; and as bearding a judge on the Bench is not
+a likely way to rise in favour, his lordship generally
+got it all his own way. Upon one occasion, however,
+he caught a tartar. His lordship had what are termed
+pig's eyes, and his voice was thin and weak. Corbet, a
+bold and sarcastic counsel in his younger days, had
+been pleading before the Inner House, and as usual
+the President commenced his attack, when his intended
+victim thus addressed him: "My lord, it is not for
+me to enter into any altercation with your lordship,
+for no one knows better than I do the great difference
+between us; you occupy the highest place on the
+Bench, and I the lowest at the Bar; and then, my lord,
+I have not your lordship's voice of thunder&mdash;I have
+not your lordship's rolling eye of command."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 290px;">
+<a name="lord_braxfield" id="lord_braxfield"></a>
+<img src="images/lord_braxfield.jpg" width="290" height="390" alt="ROBERT MACQUEEN, LORD BRAXFIELD." title="" />
+<span class="caption">ROBERT MACQUEEN, LORD BRAXFIELD.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Robert Macqueen (Lord Braxfield), the prototype of
+Stevenson's "Weir of Hermiston," was known as the
+"hanging judge"&mdash;the Judge Jeffreys of Scotland; but
+he was a sound judge. He argued a point in a colloquial
+style, asking a question, and himself supplying
+the answer in his clear, abrupt manner. But he was illiterate,
+and without the least desire for refined enjoyment,
+holding in disdain natures less coarse than his
+own; he shocked the feelings of those even of an age
+which had less decorum than prevailed in that which
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[Pg 183]</a></span>succeeded, and would not be tolerated by the working
+classes of to-day. Playing whist with a lady, he exclaimed,
+"What are ye doin', ye damned auld ...,"
+and then recollecting himself, "Your pardon's begged,
+madam; I took ye for my wife." When his butler gave
+up his place because his lordship's wife was always
+scolding him: "Lord," he exclaimed, "ye've little to
+complain o'; ye may be thankfu' ye're no mairred to
+her."</p>
+
+<p>His most notorious sayings from the Bench were
+uttered during the trials for sedition towards the end
+of the eighteenth century, and even some of these are
+too coarse for repetition. "Ye're a very clever chiel,"
+he said to one of the prisoners; "but ye wad be nane
+the waur o' a hangin'." And to a juror arriving late in
+Court he said, "Come awa, Maister Horner, come awa
+and help us to hang ane o' they damned scoondrels."
+Hanging was his term for all kinds of punishment.</p>
+
+<p>To Margarot, a Baptist minister of Dundee&mdash;another
+of the political prisoners of that time&mdash;he said,
+"Hae ye ony coonsel, man?"&mdash;"No," replied Margarot.
+"Dae ye want tae hae ony appointed?" continued
+the Justice-Clerk. "No," replied the prisoner, "I only
+want an interpreter to make me understand what your
+lordship says."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>We have already referred to Lord Moncreiff's piety,
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[Pg 184]</a></span>and to it must be added his great simplicity of nature.
+Like many of his predecessors, he had a habit of
+making long speeches to prisoners on their conviction;
+but his intention was to help them to a better mode of
+life, not to aggravate their feelings by silly or coarse
+remarks. This habit, however, led him occasionally
+into enunciating principles which rather astonished
+his friends. In a murder case he found that the woman
+killed was not the wife of the prisoner but his mistress,
+which led his lordship to explain to the prisoner that it
+might have been some apology for his crime had the
+woman been his wife, because there was difficulty in
+getting rid of her any other way. But the victim being
+only his associate he could have left her at any time,
+and consequently there were absolutely no ameliorating
+circumstances in the case. From this point of view
+it would seem to have been (in Lord Moncreiff's eyes)
+less criminal to murder a wife than a mistress. In
+another, a bigamy case, after referring to the perfidy
+and cruelty to the women and their relations, Lord
+Cockburn reports him to have said: "All this is bad;
+but your true iniquity consists in this, that you degraded
+that holy ceremony which our blessed Saviour
+<i>condescended</i> to select as the type of the connection between
+him and His redeemed Church."</p>
+
+<p>In the Court of Session, the judges who do not attend
+or give a proper excuse for their absence are (or
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[Pg 185]</a></span>were) liable to a fine. This, however, is never enforced:
+but it is customary on the first day of the session for
+the absentee to send an excuse to the Lord President.
+Lord Stonefield having sent an excuse, and the Lord
+President mentioning that he had done so, the Lord
+Justice-Clerk said: "What excuse can a stout fellow
+like him hae?"&mdash;"My lord," said the President, "he
+has lost his wife." To which the Justice-Clerk replied:
+"Has he? That is a gude excuse indeed, I wish we
+had a' the same."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Lord Cockburn's looks, tones, language, and manner
+were always such as to make one think that he believed
+every word he said. On one occasion, before he
+was raised to the Bench, when defending a murderer,
+although he failed to convince the judge and jurymen
+of the innocence of his client, yet he convinced the
+murderer himself that he was innocent. Sentence of
+death was pronounced, and the day of execution fixed
+for the 3rd of March. As Lord Cockburn was passing
+the condemned man, the latter seized him by the gown,
+saying: "I have not got justice!" To this the advocate
+coolly replied: "Perhaps not; but you'll get it on the
+3rd of March."</p>
+
+<p>Cockburn's racy humour displayed itself in another
+serious case; one in which a farm-servant was charged
+with maiming his master's cattle by cutting off their
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[Pg 186]</a></span>tails. A consultation was held on the question of the
+man's mental condition at which the farmer was present,
+and at the close of it some conversation took place
+about the disposal of the cattle. Turning to the farmer
+Cockburn said that they might be sold, but that he
+would have to dispose of them wholesale for he could
+not now <i>retail</i> them.</p>
+
+<p>He was walking on the hillside on his estate of Bonaly,
+near Edinburgh, talking to his shepherd, and speculating
+about the reasons why his sheep lay on what
+seemed to be the least sheltered and coldest situation
+on the hill. Said his lordship: "John, if I were a sheep
+I would lie on the other side of the hill." The shepherd
+answered: "Ay, my lord; but if ye had been a sheep
+ye would have had mair sense."</p>
+
+<p>Sitting long after the usual hour listening to a prosy
+counsel, Lord Cockburn was commiserated by a friend
+as they left the Court together with the remark: "Counsel
+has encroached very much on your time, my lord."&mdash;"Time,
+time," exclaimed his lordship; "he has exhausted
+time and encroached on eternity."</p>
+
+<p>When a young advocate, Cockburn was a frequent
+visitor at Niddrie Marischal, near Edinburgh, the residence
+of Mr. Wauchope. This gentleman was very
+particular about church-going, but one Sunday he
+stayed at home and his young guest started for the
+parish church accompanied by one of his host's hand<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[Pg 187]</a></span>somest
+daughters. On their way they passed through
+the garden, and were so beguiled by the gooseberry
+bushes that the time slipped away and they found
+themselves too late for the service. At dinner the laird
+inquired of his daughter what the text was, and when
+she failed to tell him he put the question to Cockburn,
+who at once replied: "The woman whom thou gavest
+to be with me she gave me of the fruit and I did eat."</p>
+
+<p>Jeffrey and Cockburn were counsel together in a
+case in which it was sought to prove that the heir of an
+estate was of low capacity, and therefore incapable of
+administrating his affairs. Jeffrey had vainly attempted
+to make a country witness understand his meaning as
+he spoke of the mental imbecility and impaired intellect
+of the party. Cockburn rose to his relief, and was
+successful at once. "D'ye ken young Sandy &mdash;&mdash;?"&mdash;"Brawly,"
+said the witness; "I've kent him sin' he was
+a laddie."&mdash;"An' is there onything in the cratur, d'ye
+think?"&mdash;"Deed," responded the witness, "there's
+naething in him ava; he wadna ken a coo frae a cauf!"</p>
+
+<p>When addressing the jury in a case in which an officer
+of the army was a witness, Jeffrey frequently referred
+to him as "this soldier." The witness, who was
+in Court, bore this for a time, but at last, exasperated,
+exclaimed, "I am not a soldier, I'm an officer!"&mdash;"Well,
+gentlemen of the jury," proceeded Jeffrey, "this officer,
+who on his own statement is no soldier," &amp;c.</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[Pg 188]</a></span></p>
+<p>Patrick, Lord Robertson, one of the senators of
+the College of Justice, was a great humorist. He was
+on terms of intimacy with the late Mr. Alexander
+Douglas, W.S., who, on account of the untidiness of
+his person, was known by the sobriquet of "Dirty
+Douglas." Lord Robertson invited his friend to accompany
+him to a ball. "I would go," said Mr. Douglas,
+"but I don't care about my friends knowing that I attend
+balls."&mdash;"Why, Douglas," replied the senator,
+"put on a well-brushed coat and a clean shirt, and nobody
+will know you." When at the Bar, Robertson
+was frequently entrusted with cases by Mr. Douglas.
+Handing his learned friend a fee in Scottish notes, Mr.
+Douglas remarked: "These notes, Robertson, are, like
+myself, getting old."&mdash;"Yes, they're both old and dirty,
+Douglas," rejoined Robertson.</p>
+
+<p>When Robertson was attending an appeal case in
+the House of Lords he received great attention from
+Lord Brougham. This gave rise to a report in the Parliament
+House of Edinburgh that the popular Tory
+advocate had "ratted" to the Liberal side in politics,
+which found expression in the following <i>jeu d'esprit</i>:</p>
+
+<div class="poetryblock">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"When Brougham by Robertson was told<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">He'd condescend a place to hold,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The Chancellor said, with wondering eyes,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Viewing the <i>Rat's</i> tremendous size,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'That you a place would hold is true,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But where's the place that would hold you?'"<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[Pg 189]</a></span></p>
+<p>Lord Rutherford when at the Bar put an illustration
+to the Bench in connection with a church case.
+"Suppose the Justiciary Court condemned a man to
+be hanged, however unjustly, could that man come into
+this Court of Session and ask your lordships to
+interfere?" and he turned round very majestically to
+Robertson opposing him. "Oh, my lords," said Robertson,
+"a case of suspension, clearly."</p>
+
+<p>When a sheriff, Rutherford, dining with a number
+of members of the legal profession, had to reply to the
+toast, "The Bench of Scotland." In illustration of a
+trite remark that all litigants could not be expected to
+have the highest regard for the judges who have tried
+their cases, he told the following story: A worthy
+but unfortunate south-country farmer had fought his
+case in the teeth of adverse decisions in the Lower
+Courts to the bitter end in one of the divisions of the
+Court of Session. After the decision of this tribunal
+affirming the judgment he had appealed against, and
+thus finally blasting his fondest hopes, he was heard
+to mutter as he left the Court: "They ca' themselves
+senators o' the College o' Justice, but it's ma opeenion
+they're a' the waur o' drink!"</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>It was only a small point of law, but the two counsel
+were hammering at each other tooth and nail. They
+had been submitting this and that to his lordship for
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[Pg 190]</a></span>twenty minutes, and growing more and more heated
+as they argued. At last: "You're an ass, sir!" shrieked
+one. "And you're a liar, sir!" roared the other. Then
+the judge woke up. "Now that counsel have identified
+each other," said he, "let us proceed to the disputed
+points."</p>
+
+<p>A recent eminent judge of the Scottish Bench when
+sitting to an artist for his portrait was asked what he
+thought of the likeness. His lordship's reply was that
+he thought it good enough, but he would have liked
+"to see a little more dislike to Gladstone's Irish Bills
+in the expression."</p>
+
+<p>Lord Shand's shortness of stature has been a theme
+of several stories. When he left Edinburgh after sitting
+as a judge of the Court of Session for eighteen
+years, one of his colleagues suggested that a statue
+ought to be erected to him. "Or shall we say a statuette?"
+was the remark of another friend. His lordship
+lived at Newhailes&mdash;the property of one of the Dalrymple
+family, several members of which were eminent
+judges in the late seventeenth and the early eighteenth
+centuries&mdash;and travelled to town by rail. The
+guard was a pawky Aberdonian, and had evidently
+been greatly struck by Lord Shand's appearance, for
+his customary salutation to him, delivered no doubt in
+a parental and patronising fashion, was: "And fu (how)
+are ye the day, ma lordie?" His lordship's manner of
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[Pg 191]</a></span>receiving this greeting is not recorded. Still another
+anecdote on the same subject is that when still an advocate,
+it was proposed to make Mr. Shand a Judge of
+Assize. On the proposal being mentioned to a colleague
+famous for his caustic wit, the latter with a good-humoured
+sneer which raised a hearty laugh at the expense
+of his genial friend, remarked: "Ah, a judge of a size,
+indeed."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 283px;">
+<a name="lord_young" id="lord_young"></a>
+<img src="images/lord_young.jpg" width="283" height="390" alt="GEORGE YOUNG, LORD YOUNG." title="" />
+<span class="caption">GEORGE YOUNG, LORD YOUNG.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Lord Young's wit was of this caustic turn and not
+infrequently was intended to sting the person to whom
+it was addressed. An advocate was wending his weary
+way through a case one day, and in the course of making
+a point he referred to a witness who had deponed
+that he had seen two different things at one time and
+consequently contradicted himself. Lord Young gave
+vent to the feelings of his colleagues in the Second Division
+of the Court, when he interrupted thus:</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, Mr. B&mdash;&mdash;, I can see more than two things at
+one time. I can see your paper, and beyond your paper
+I can see you, and beyond you I can see the clock, and
+I can see that you have been labouring for an hour
+over a point that is capable of being expressed in a
+sentence."</p>
+
+<p>In the course of an argument in the same division,
+counsel had occasion to refer to "Fraser" (a brother
+judge) "on Husband and Wife." Lord Young, inter<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[Pg 192]</a></span>rupting,
+asked: 'Hasn't Fraser another book?'&mdash;'Yes,
+my lord, 'Master and Servant!''&mdash;'Well,' said Lord
+Young, 'isn't that the same thing?'</p>
+
+<p>Owing to a vacancy on the Bench having been kept
+open for a long period, Lord Young's roll had become
+very heavy. Hearing that a new colleague had been
+appointed, and like the late judge had adopted a title
+ending in "hill," he gratefully quoted the lines of the
+one hundred and twenty-first psalm:</p>
+
+<div class="poetryblock">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"I to the hills will lift mine eyes,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">From whence doth come mine aid."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+</div>
+
+<p>Before the same judge, two prominent advocates in
+their day were debating a case. One of them was a particularly
+well-known figure, the feature of whose pinafore,
+if he wore one, would be its extensive girth. The
+other advocate, who happened to be rather slim, was
+addressing his lordship: "My learned friend and I are
+particularly at one upon this point. I may say, my lord,
+that we are virtually in the same boat." Here his opponent
+broke in: "No, no, my lord, we are nothing of
+the kind. I do not agree with that." Lord Young, leaning
+across the bench, remarked: "No, I suppose you
+would need a whole boat to yourself."</p>
+
+<p>It is also attributed to Lord Young that, when Mr.
+Baird of Cambusdoon bequeathed a large sum of
+money to the Church of Scotland to found the lecture<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_193" id="Page_193">[Pg 193]</a></span>ship
+delivered under the auspices of the Baird Trust,
+he remarked that it was the highest fire insurance premium
+he had ever heard of. "Possibly, my lord," observed
+a fire insurance manager who heard the remark;
+"but you will admit that cases occur where the
+premium scarcely covers the risk."</p>
+
+<p>Lord Guthrie tells that when, as an advocate, he was
+engaged in a case before Lord Young, he mentioned
+that his client was a Free Church minister. "Well,"
+said Lord Young, "that may be, but for all that he may
+perhaps be quite a respectable man."</p>
+
+<p>And there is the story that when Mr. Young was
+Lord Advocate for Scotland a vacancy occurred on
+the Bench and two names were mentioned in connection
+with it. One was that of Mr. Horne, Dean of
+Faculty, a very tall man, and the other Lord Shand.
+"So, Mr. Young," said a friend, "you'll be going to
+appoint Horne?"&mdash;"I doubt if I will get his length,"
+was the reply. "Oh, then," queried the friend, "you'll
+be going to appoint Shand?"&mdash;"It's the least I could
+do," answered the witty Lord Advocate.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>"What is your occupation?" asked Lord Ardwall
+of a witness in a case. "A miner, sir."&mdash;"Good; and
+how old are you?"&mdash;"Twenty, sir."&mdash;"Ah, then you
+are a minor in more senses than one." Whereat, no
+doubt, the Court laughed. "Now, my lord, we come to
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_194" id="Page_194">[Pg 194]</a></span>the question of commission received by the witness,
+which I was forgetting," said a counsel before the same
+judge one day. "Ah, don't commit the omission of omitting
+the commission," replied his lordship.</p>
+
+<p>An unfortunate miner had been hit on the head by a
+lump of coal, and the judges of the First Division of the
+Court of Session were considering whether his case
+raised a question of law or of fact. "The only law I can
+see in the matter," said Lord Maclaren, "is the law of
+gravitation."</p>
+
+<p>In a fishing case heard in the Court of Session some
+years ago, a good deal of evidence was led on the subject
+of taking immature salmon from a river in the
+north. The case was an important one, and the evidence
+was taken down in shorthand notes and printed
+for the use of the judge and counsel next day. The
+evidence of one of the witnesses with respect to certain
+of the salmon taken was that "some of them were
+kelts." When his lordship turned over the pages of the
+printed evidence next morning to refresh his memory,
+he was astonished to find it stated by one of the witnesses
+in regard to the salmon that "some of them wore
+kilts."</p>
+
+<p>Many other stories, particularly of the older judges,
+might be given, were they not too well known. We
+may therefore close this chapter with the following epigram
+by a Scottish writer, which is decidedly point<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_195" id="Page_195">[Pg 195]</a></span>ed
+and clever, and has the additional merit of being
+self-explanatory:</p>
+
+<div class="poetryblock">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"He was a burglar stout and strong,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Who held, 'It surely can't be wrong,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To open trunks and rifle shelves,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For God helps those who help themselves.'<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But when before the Court he came,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And boldly rose to plead the same,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The judge replied&mdash;'That's very true;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">You've helped yourself&mdash;<i>now God help you!</i>'"<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_196" id="Page_196">[Pg 196]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_197" id="Page_197">[Pg 197]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_SIX" id="CHAPTER_SIX"></a>CHAPTER SIX<br />
+THE ADVOCATES OF SCOTLAND</h2>
+
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_198" id="Page_198">[Pg 198]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="poetryblock">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Ye lawyers who live upon litigants' fees,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And who need a good many to live at your ease,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Grave or gay, wise or witty, whate'er your degree,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Plain stuff, or Queen's Counsel, take counsel from me,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">When a festive occasion your spirit unbends,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">You should never forget the profession's best friends;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">So we'll send round the wine and a bright bumper fill<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To the jolly Testator who makes his own will."<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Neaves</span>: <i>Songs and Verses</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_199" id="Page_199">[Pg 199]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>CHAPTER SIX<br />
+THE ADVOCATES OF SCOTLAND</h2>
+
+
+
+
+<p>Since days when Sir Walter Scott
+gathered round him at the fireplace in the Parliament
+Hall of Edinburgh a company of young brother advocates
+to hear the latest of Lord Eskgrove's eccentric
+sayings from the Bench, that rendezvous has been
+the favourite resort for story-telling among succeeding
+generations of counsel. While the Court is in session,
+they vary their daily walk up and down the hall
+by lounging round the spot where the future Wizard of
+the North proved a strong counter-attraction to many
+an interesting case being argued before a Lord Ordinary
+in the alcoves on the opposite side of the hall,
+which was then the "Outer House." It is even asserted
+that this same fireplace is the hatchery of many of
+the amusing paragraphs daily appearing in a column
+of a certain Edinburgh newspaper. But of all the witticisms
+that have enlivened the dull hours of the briefless
+barrister in that historic hall during the past
+century, none will stand the test of time or be read with
+so much pleasure as those of that prince of wits, the
+Hon. Henry Erskine.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 293px;">
+<a name="hon_henry_erskine" id="hon_henry_erskine"></a>
+<img src="images/hon_henry_erskine.jpg" width="293" height="390" alt="THE HON. HENRY ERSKINE, LORD ADVOCATE AND DEAN OF FACULTY OF ADVOCATES." title="" />
+<span class="caption">THE HON. HENRY ERSKINE, LORD ADVOCATE AND DEAN OF FACULTY OF ADVOCATES.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Hairry, as he was familiarly called both by judge
+and counsel, was in an eminent degree the "advocate
+of the people." It is said that a poor man in a remote
+district of Scotland thus answered an acquaint<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_200" id="Page_200">[Pg 200]</a></span>ance
+who wished to dissuade him from "going to law"
+with a wealthy neighbour, by representing the hopelessness
+of being able to meet the expenses of litigation.
+"Ye dinna ken what ye're saying, maister," replied
+the litigious northerner; "there's no' a puir man
+in a' Scotland need want a freen' or fear a foe, sae lang
+as Hairry Erskine lives."</p>
+
+<p>When the autocratic reign of Henry Dundas as Lord
+Advocate was for a time eclipsed, Henry Erskine was
+his successor in the Whig interest. In his good-humoured
+way Dundas proposed to lend Erskine his embroidered
+gown, suggesting that it would not be long
+before he (Dundas) would again be in office. "Thank
+you," said Hairry, "I am well aware it is made to suit
+any party, but it will never be said of me that I assumed
+the abandoned habits of my predecessor."</p>
+
+<p>Having been speaking in the Outer House at the
+Bar of Lord Swinton, a very good, but a very slow and
+deaf judge, Erskine was called away to Lord Braxfield's
+Court. On appearing his lordship said: "Well,
+Dean" (he was then Dean of the Faculty of Advocates),
+"what is this you've been talking so loudly about to
+my Lord Swinton?"&mdash;"About a cask of whisky, my
+lord, but I found it no easy matter to make it run in
+his lordship's head."</p>
+
+<p>He was once defending a client, a lady of the name
+of Tickell, before one of the judges who was an in<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_201" id="Page_201">[Pg 201]</a></span>timate
+friend, and he opened his address to his lordship
+in these terms: "Tickell, my client, my lord."
+But the judge was equal to the occasion and interrupted
+him by saying: "Tickle her yourself, Harry, you're
+as able to do it as I am."</p>
+
+<p>Lord Balmuto was a ponderous judge and not very
+"gleg in the uptak" (did not readily see a point), and
+retained the utmost gravity while the whole Court was
+convulsed with laughter at some joke of the witty Dean.
+Hours later, when another case was being heard, the
+judge would suddenly exclaim: "Eh, Maister Hairry,
+a' hae ye noo, a' hae ye noo, vera guid, vera guid."</p>
+
+<p>Hugo Arnot, a brother advocate, a tall, cadaverous-looking
+man, who suffered from asthma, was one day
+munching a speldin (a sun-dried whiting or small haddock,
+a favourite article supplied at that time, and till
+a generation ago, by certain Edinburgh shops). Erskine
+coming up to Arnot, the latter explained that he was
+having his lunch. "So I see," said Harry, "and you're
+very like your meat." On another occasion these two
+worthies were discussing future punishment for errors
+of the flesh, Arnot taking a liberal, and Erskine a
+strongly Calvinist view. As they were parting Erskine
+said to Arnot, referring to his spare figure:</p>
+
+<div class="poetryblock">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"For &mdash;&mdash; and blasphemy by the mercy of heaven<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To flesh and to blood much may be forgiven,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But I've searched all the Scriptures and text I find none<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That the same is extended to skin and to bone."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_202" id="Page_202">[Pg 202]</a></span></p>
+<p>Erskine's brother, the extremely eccentric Lord Buchan,
+who thought himself as great a jester as his two
+younger brothers, the Lord Chancellor of England and
+the Dean of Faculty of Advocates, one day putting
+his head below the lock of a door, exclaimed: "See,
+Harry, here's Locke on the Human Understanding."&mdash;"Rather
+a poor edition, my lord," replied the younger
+brother.</p>
+
+<p>Sir James Colquhoun, Baronet of Luss, Principal
+Clerk of Session, towards the close of the eighteenth
+century was one of the odd characters of his time, and
+was made the butt of all the wags of the Parliament
+House. On one occasion, whilst Henry Erskine was
+in the Court in which Sir James was on duty, he
+amused himself by making faces at the Principal Clerk,
+who was greatly annoyed at the strange conduct of
+the tormenting lawyer. Unable to bear it longer, he
+disturbed the gravity of the Court by rising from the
+table at which he sat and exclaiming, "My lord, my
+lord, I wish you would speak to Harry, he's aye making
+faces at me." Harry, however, looked as grave as
+a judge and the work of the Court proceeded, until Sir
+James, looking again towards the bar, witnessed a
+new grimace from his tormentor, and convulsed Bench,
+Bar, and audience by roaring out: "There, there, my
+lord, see he's at it again."</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_203" id="Page_203">[Pg 203]</a></span></p>
+<p>Hugo Arnot's eccentricity took various forms. In
+his house in South St. Andrew Street, in the new town
+of Edinburgh, he greatly annoyed a lady who lived in
+the same tenement by the violence with which he kept
+ringing his bell for his servant. The lady complained;
+but what was her horror next day to hear several pistol-shots
+fired in the house, which was Arnot's new
+method of demanding his valet's immediate attendance.</p>
+
+<p>In his professional capacity, however, he was guided
+by a high sense of honour and of moral obligation.
+In a case submitted for his consideration, which seemed
+to him to possess neither of these qualifications, he
+with a very grave face said to his client: "Pray what
+do you suppose me to be?"&mdash;"Why, sir," answered
+the client, "I understood you to be a lawyer."&mdash;"I
+thought, sir," replied Arnot, "you took me for a scoundrel."
+On another occasion he was consulted by a lady,
+not remarkable either for youth or beauty or for good
+temper, as to the best method of getting rid of the importunities
+of a rejected admirer. After having told her
+story and claiming a relationship with him because her
+own name was Arnot, she wound up with: "Ye maun
+advise me what I ought to do with this impertinent
+fellow."&mdash;"Oh, marry him by all means, it's the only
+way to get quit of his importunities," was Arnot's advice.
+"I would see him hanged first," retorted the lady.
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_204" id="Page_204">[Pg 204]</a></span>"Nay, madam," rejoined Arnot, "marry him directly
+as I said before, and by the Lord Harry he'll soon
+hang himself."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Of the convivial habits of the Bar as well as the
+Bench in Scotland at this period many stories are told.
+The Second Lord President Dundas once refused to
+listen to counsel who obviously showed signs of having
+come into Court fresh from a tavern debauch. The
+check given by the President appeared to effect some
+sobering of the counsel's faculties and he immediately
+addressed his lordship upon the dignity of the Faculty
+of Advocates, winding up a long harangue with: "It is
+our duty and our privilege to speak, my lord, and it is
+your duty and your privilege to hear."</p>
+
+<p>Another counsel in a similar condition of haziness
+hurriedly entered the Court and took up the case in
+which he was engaged; but forgetting for which side
+he had been fee'd, to the unutterable amazement of the
+agent, delivered a long and fervent speech in the teeth
+of the interests he had been expected to support. When
+at last the agent made him understand the mistake he
+had made, he with infinite composure resumed his oration
+by saying: "Such, my lord, is the statement you
+will probably hear from my brother on the opposite
+side of the case. I shall now show your lordship how
+utterly untenable are the principles and how distort<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_205" id="Page_205">[Pg 205]</a></span>ed
+are the facts upon which this very specious statement
+has proceeded." And so he went over the same
+ground and most angelically refuted himself from the
+beginning of his former pleading to the end.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 290px;">
+<a name="andrew_crosbie" id="andrew_crosbie"></a>
+<img src="images/andrew_crosbie.jpg" width="290" height="390" alt="ANDREW CROSBIE, ADVOCATE, &quot;Pleydell.&quot;" title="" />
+<span class="caption">ANDREW CROSBIE, ADVOCATE, &quot;Pleydell.&quot;</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>When a barrister, pleading before Lord Mansfield,
+pronounced a Latin word with a false quantity his
+lordship rarely let the opportunity pass without exhibiting
+his own precise knowledge of that language.
+"My lords," said the Scottish advocate, Crosbie, at the
+bar of the House of Lords, "I have the honour to appear
+before your lordships as counsel for the Cur&#259;tors."&mdash;"Ugh,"
+groaned the Westminster-Oxford law
+lord, softening his reproof by an allusion to his Scottish
+nationality, "Cur&#257;tors, Mr. Crosbie, Cur&#257;tors: I
+wish <i>our</i> countrymen would pay a little more attention
+to prosody."&mdash;"My lord," replied Mr. Crosbie, with
+delightful readiness and composure, "I can assure you
+that <i>our</i> countrymen are very proud of your lordship
+as the greatest sen&#257;tor and or&#257;tor of the present age."</p>
+
+<p>A very young Scottish advocate, afterwards an eminent
+judge on the Scottish Bench, pleading before the
+House of Lords, ventured to challenge some early
+judgments of that House, on which he was abruptly
+asked by Lord Brougham: "Do you mean, sir, to call
+in question the solemn decisions of this venerable
+tribunal?"&mdash;"Yes, my lord," coolly replied the young
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_206" id="Page_206">[Pg 206]</a></span>counsel, "there are some people in Scotland who are
+bold enough to dispute the soundness of some of your
+lordship's <i>own</i> decisions."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Sheriff Logan, when pleading before Lord Cunningham
+in a case which involved numerous points of
+form, on some of which he ventured to express an
+opinion, was repeatedly interrupted by old Beveridge,
+the judge's clerk&mdash;a great authority on matters of form&mdash;who
+unfortunately possessed a very large nasal organ,
+which literally overhung his mouth. "No, no,"
+said the clerk, as the sheriff was quietly explaining
+the practice in certain cases. On which Logan, somewhat
+nettled at the blunt interruption, coolly replied:
+"But, my lord, I say: 'Yes, yes, yes,' in spite of Mr.
+Beveridge's <i>noes</i>."</p>
+
+<p>In the days of Sheriff Harper, Mr. Richard Lees,
+solicitor, Galashiels, was engaged in a case for a client
+who was not overburdened with the necessary funds
+for legal proceedings. However, he was thought good
+enough for the expenses in the case. The action went
+against Mr. Lees' client, and then Mr. Lees rose to
+plead for modified expenses. But the client leant across
+to speak to the lawyer and said in a hoarse whisper
+audible over the Court: "Dinna stent (limit) yoursels
+for the expenses for a haena a fardin'." This was too
+much even for the gravity of the Bench.</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_207" id="Page_207">[Pg 207]</a></span></p>
+<p>Not many years ago, in the High Court at Glasgow,
+a case was heard before an eminent judge still on the
+Scottish Bench, in which the accused had committed
+a very serious assault and robbery. He was unable
+to engage counsel for his defence, and the usual
+course was adopted of putting his case in the hands of
+"counsel for the poor." There was really no defence;
+but the young advocate who undertook the task had to
+make the best of it, and the plea he put forward was
+that the accused was so drunk at the time he did not
+know what he was doing. It was the best thing he
+could do in the circumstances, as all the success he
+could expect to make with a well-known felon was a
+mitigation of the sentence. When it came to his time
+to address the Court, he set out in the following fashion:
+"My lord and gentlemen of the jury, you all know
+what it is to be drunk."</p>
+
+<p>It is most important to be exact in stating the times
+of the movements of a person accused of murder. In
+a recent case this point was very minutely examined
+by an advocate in the Scottish Court. One witness
+deponed that she saw the accused in a certain place
+at 5.40 <span class="smcap">P.M.</span> "Are you sure," asked the learned counsel
+in a tone calculated to make a witness not quite
+sure after all, "are you sure it was not twenty minutes
+to six?" And then he seemed surprised at the laughter
+his question had raised.</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_208" id="Page_208">[Pg 208]</a></span></p>
+<p>When Mr. Ludovick Mair, who was a very short
+man, was Sheriff-Substitute of Lanarkshire, he was
+called upon, at an Ayrshire Burns Club dinner, to propose
+the toast of the "Ayrshire Lasses." After alluding
+to the honour that had been conferred upon him,
+happily said that "Provided his fair clients were prepared
+to be 'contented wi' little and canty wi' mair,'
+he had no compunction in performing the agreeable
+duty."</p>
+
+<p>In the Glasgow Small Debt Court where the sheriff
+frequently presided, a young lawyer's exhaustive eloquence
+in striving to prove that his client was not due
+the sum sued for, drew from his lordship the following
+interruption: "Excuse me, sir, but throughout the conflict
+and turmoil engendered by this desperate dispute
+with the pursuer I presume the British Empire is not
+in any danger?"&mdash;"No, my lord," came the reply, "but
+I fear after that interrogation from your lordship my
+client's case is?"</p>
+
+<p>On one occasion the sheriff, becoming impatient
+with an agent's protracted speech, rebuked him thus:
+"Be brief, be brief, my dear sir; time is short and eternity
+is long!" And again on being asked by an agent
+not to allow a witty old Irishman to act as the spokesman
+of "the defendant" on the ground that the Irishman
+was not now in the defendant's employment, the
+sheriff sternly said to the would-be witness: "Now,
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_209" id="Page_209">[Pg 209]</a></span>answer me truthfully, mirthful Michael, are you or are
+you not in the defendant's employment?"&mdash;"Well, my
+lord of lords," was the reply, "that is to say, in the
+learned phraseology of the law, <i>pro tem</i> I am and
+<i>ultimo</i> and <i>proximo</i> I amn't."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Two stories are told of the late Sheriff Balfour. His
+lordship was addressing a prisoner at unusual length,
+when he was interrupted more than once by a <i>sotto
+voce</i> observation from his then clerk, who was very
+impatient when the luncheon hour drew near. Accustomed
+to this interruption, the sheriff, as a rule, took
+no notice of them. On this occasion, however, he threw
+down his quill with a show of annoyance, leaned back
+in his chair, and addressed the interrupter thus: "I
+say, Mr. &mdash;&mdash;, are you, or am I, sheriff here?" Promptly
+came the unabashed reply: "You, of course; but
+your lordship knows that this woman has been frequently
+here," meaning that it was idle to address
+words of counsel to the prisoner. On another occasion,
+the sheriff was pulled up by a male prisoner, who took
+exception to his version of the story of the crime, and
+concluded: "So you see I've got your lordship there."&mdash;"Have
+you?" was the sheriff's rejoinder. "No, but
+I've got you&mdash;three months hard."</p>
+
+<p>A law agent was talking at length against an
+opinion which Sheriff Balfour had already indicated.
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_210" id="Page_210">[Pg 210]</a></span>Twice the sheriff essayed in vain to stay the torrent
+that was flowing uselessly past the mill. At last, in a
+more decided tone, he asked the agent to allow him
+just one word, after which he would engage not to interrupt
+him again. "Certainly, milord," said the agent.
+"Decree," said the sheriff.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Counsel who are briefless and who spend much
+time in perambulating the floor of Parliament Hall
+should be as careful in their dress as their more fortunate
+neighbours who jostle each other in the lobbies as
+they rush from one Court to another. A company of
+Americans visiting the Courts one day made a casual
+inquiry of one of the advocates "in waiting," who
+politely offered to show them all that is to be seen. As
+they were leaving, one of the party caught hold of a
+passing solicitor and after apologising for stopping him
+inquired: "This&mdash;this&mdash;this gentleman has been very
+good in showing us over your beautiful place. Would
+it be correct to give him something?"&mdash;"Yes, certainly,"
+said the busy practitioner, "and it will be the first
+fee he has earned, to my knowledge, for the last ten
+years."</p>
+
+<p>An advocate of the present day, in trying to induce
+the Second Division of the Court of Session to reverse
+a decision pronounced in Glasgow Sheriff Court
+somewhat startled the Bench by reminding them that
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_211" id="Page_211">[Pg 211]</a></span>their lordships were only mortal after all. "Are you
+quite sure of that?" asked the presiding judge. Counsel
+judiciously refrained from replying to this poser.
+The incident recalls an occasion in the Second Division
+when it was presided over by Lord Justice-Clerk
+Moncreiff. A junior counsel was debating a case
+in the division, and, apparently finding he was not
+making much headway, invited their lordships to imagine
+for the moment that they were navvies, and to look
+at the question from the point of view of the worker.
+In stately tones the Lord Justice-Clerk informed the
+audacious junior that his invitation was unsuited to
+the dignity of the Court.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>A learned counsel at the Bar prided himself on the
+juvenility of his appearance, and boasted that he looked
+twenty years younger than he was. He was cross-examining
+a very prepossessing and uncommonly self-possessed
+young woman as to the age of a person
+whom she knew quite well, but could get no satisfactory
+answer. "Well," he persisted, "but surely you
+must have been able to make a good guess at his age,
+having seen him often."&mdash;"People don't always look
+their age."&mdash;"No, but you can surely form a good idea
+from their looks. Now, how old should you say I am?"
+"You might be sixty by your looks, but judging by the
+questions you ask I should say about sixteen!"</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_212" id="Page_212">[Pg 212]</a></span></p>
+<p>Much amusement is afforded by the answers given
+by witnesses to judges and counsel. They form the
+theme of legions of stories, and we append a selection
+to this chapter of legal wit of the Bar.</p>
+
+<p>An Irishman before Lord Ardwall was giving evidence
+on the question whether having lived eleven
+years in Glasgow he was a domiciled Scotsman. He
+swore that he was, and as a question of succession depended
+upon the domicile the point was of importance.
+The opposing counsel thought he had him cornered
+when on the list of voters for an Irish constituency he
+found the witness's name. But Pat was equal to the
+occasion. "It's a safe sate," he said; "they never revise
+the lists," and by way of clinching the argument, he
+added: "Shure there's men in Oireland who have
+been in their graves for twenty years who voted at the
+last election."</p>
+
+<p>Legal gentlemen sometimes resort to methods not
+quite in accordance with usual practice to elicit information
+from stubborn witnesses. In Glasgow Sheriff
+Court one day a somewhat long and involved question
+was addressed by the cross-examining agent to a witness
+who, from his stout build and imperturbable
+manner, looked the embodiment of Scottish caution.
+The witness, who was not to be so easily "had," having
+regarded his questioner with a steady gaze for the
+space of almost a minute, at last broke silence: "Would
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_213" id="Page_213">[Pg 213]</a></span>you mind, sir," said he, "just repeating that question,
+and splitting it into bits?" And after the Court had regained
+its composure the discomfited agent humbly
+proceeded to subdivide the question.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>In the old days when Highlanders "kist oot"
+(quarrelled) they resorted to the claymore, but the
+hereditary fighting spirit appears nowadays in an appeal
+to the law. Perth Sheriff Courts witness many a
+"bout" between the stalwarts, who are not amiss to
+clash all round if need be. "You must have been in
+very questionable company at the show?" inquired a
+sheriff of a farmer. "Weel, ma lord&mdash;you wis the last
+gentleman I spoke to that day as I was coming oot!"
+was his reply.</p>
+
+<p>The pointed insinuation to another witness in a
+claim case at the same Court. "I think I have seen you
+here rather often of late," drew the reply, "Nae doot,
+if a'm no takin' onybody here&mdash;then it's them that's
+takin' me!"</p>
+
+<p>Quite recently an old farmer in Perthshire, who had
+been rather severely cross-examined by the opposing
+counsel, had his sweet revenge when the sheriff, commenting
+on the case, inquired: "There seems to be a
+great deal of dram-dramming at C&mdash;&mdash; on Tuesdays, I
+imagine?"&mdash;"Aye, whiles," was the canny reply&mdash;and
+immediately following it up, as he pointed across at
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_214" id="Page_214">[Pg 214]</a></span>the rival lawyer, he continued&mdash;"an' that nicker ower
+there can tak' a bit dram wi' the best o' them!"</p>
+
+<p>A young advocate, as junior in a licensing club case,
+had to cross-examine the certifying Justice of the Peace
+who was very diffuse and rather evasive in his answers.
+"Speak a little more simply and to the point, please,"
+said counsel mildly. "You are a little ambiguous, you
+know."&mdash;"I am not, sir," replied the witness indignantly;
+"I have been teetotal for a year."</p>
+
+<p>It is a fact well known to lawyers that it is a risky
+thing to call witnesses to character unless you know
+exactly beforehand what they are going to say. Here
+is an instance in point. "You say you have known
+the prisoner all your life?" said the counsel. "Yes,
+sir," was the reply. "Now," was the next question,
+"in your opinion is he a man who is likely to have
+been guilty of stealing this money?"&mdash;"Well," said
+the witness thoughtfully, "how much was it?"</p>
+
+<p>In a County Sheriff Court his lordship addressed a
+witness: "You said you drove a milk-cart, didn't you?"
+"No, sir, I didn't."&mdash;"Don't you drive a milk-cart?"
+"No, sir."&mdash;"Ah! then what do you do, sir?"&mdash;"I drive
+a horse."</p>
+
+<p>A well-known lawyer not now in practice, who had
+risen from humble parentage to be Procurator Fiscal
+of his county, once got a sharp retort from a witness
+in Court. It was a case of law-burrows&mdash;well known
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_215" id="Page_215">[Pg 215]</a></span>in Scotland&mdash;which requires a person to give security
+against doing violence to another. A lady had assaulted
+a priest who in the discharge of his duty had been
+visiting her husband&mdash;a member of his flock. The
+lady was herself a Protestant, and suspected the reverend
+gentleman of designs on her husband's property
+for behoof of his Church. The witness in the box
+was prepared on every point, and the following dialogue
+ensued&mdash;P.F.: "Who was your father?" Lady:
+"My father was a gentleman." P.F.: "Yes, but who
+was he?" Lady: "He was a good man and much respected,
+although he didn't make such a noise in the
+world as yours." The P.F.'s father had been the town
+crier.</p>
+
+<p>Perhaps it was to the same lawyer who asked the
+question of a labouring man: "Are you the husband of
+the previous witness?" and got the answer: "I dinna
+ken onything aboot the previous witness, but if it was
+Mrs. &mdash;&mdash;, a'm her man."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>The macer who calls the cases coming before the
+judges in Court was in older days an interesting personality.
+Lord Cockburn recalls the time when this
+duty was performed by the "crier" putting his head
+out of a small window high up in the wall of the Parliament
+House and shouting down to the counsel and agents
+assembled below him. Now it is performed from
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_216" id="Page_216">[Pg 216]</a></span>a raised dais on the floor of the hall, and it is no joke
+when the macer has to call in stentorian tones such a
+case as "Dampskibsselskabet Danmary <i>v.</i> John Smith."
+Learned members of the Faculty approach such a difficulty
+otherwise. During "motions" one day an astute
+counsel said, "In number 11 of your lordship's roll."
+"What did you call it?" inquired the judge. "I called
+it number 11," na&iuml;vely replied counsel. The case was
+"Fiskiveidschlutafjelagid Island <i>v.</i> Standard Fishing
+Company."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>The administration of the oath in Courts of Justice
+is apt to become perfunctory, and some sheriffs shorten
+the formula, so that it is administered somewhat after
+this fashion: "I swearbalmitygod, that I will tell the
+truth, the wholetruth, anothingbuthetruth." There is
+one sheriff more punctilious, and recently he administered
+the oath to a female witness, making her recite
+it in sections after him. "I swear by Almighty God"
+(pause). Witness: "I swear by Almighty God."&mdash;"As
+I shall answer to God." Witness: "As I shall answer
+to God."&mdash;"At the Great Day of Judgment." The witness
+stumbled over this clause, and the sheriff had to
+repeat it twice. As she ran more glibly over the concluding
+words, the sheriff remarked: "It's extraordinary
+how many people come to this Court who seem
+never to have heard of that great occasion."</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_217" id="Page_217">[Pg 217]</a></span></p>
+<p>This is what took place in a Glasgow Court. Sheriff:
+"Repeat this after me, 'I swear by Almighty God.'"
+Witness: "I swear by Almighty God." Sheriff: "I
+will tell the truth." Witness: "I will tell the truth."
+Sheriff: "The whole truth." Witness: "I <span class="smcap">HOPE</span>
+so!"</p>
+
+<p>In Edinburgh Sheriff Small Debt Court the oath
+was administered to a witness who was dull of hearing.
+"I swear by Almighty God," said the sheriff. The witness
+put his hollowed hand to his ear and asked:
+"Wha dae ye sweer by?" Many Court reporters have
+heard a witness swear to tell "the truth, the whole
+truth, and anything but the truth"; and one old lady
+(mistaking certain words recited by the judge) affirmed
+her determination to tell the truth "with a great deal of
+judgment."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>As we indicated at the beginning of this volume,
+stories of wit and humour from the ranks of agents in
+the legal profession are much rarer than in those of the
+Bench and the Bar. From the <i>Court of Session Garland</i>
+we quote the following relating to a worthy practitioner
+in the days when Councillor Pleydell played
+"high jinks" in his favourite tavern.</p>
+
+<p>In old times some stray agents in Scotland might be
+found who were not particularly distinguished for professional
+attainments, and who sometimes could not
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_218" id="Page_218">[Pg 218]</a></span>"draw" a paper as it is termed. One of these worthies
+was impressed with the idea that his powers were
+equal to the preparation of a petition for the appointment
+of a factor. His clerk was summoned, pens, ink,
+and paper placed before him, and the process of dictation
+commenced: "Unto the Right Honourable."
+"Right Honourable," echoed the clerk. "The Lords
+of Council and Session."&mdash;"Session," continued the
+scribe&mdash;"the Petition of Alexander Macdonald, tenant
+in Skye&mdash;Skye&mdash;humbly sheweth&mdash;sheweth." "Stop,
+John, read what I've said."&mdash;"Yes, sir. 'Unto the
+Right Honourable the Lords of Council and Session
+the Petition of Alexander Macdonald, tenant in Skye,
+humbly sheweth.'"&mdash;"Very well, John, very well.
+Where did you stop?"&mdash;"Humbly sheweth&mdash;that the
+petitioner&mdash;petitioner"&mdash;here a pause for a minute&mdash;"that
+the petitioner. It's down, sir." Here the master
+got up, walked about the room, scratched his head,
+took snuff, but in vain; the inspiration had fled with
+the mysterious word "petitioner." The clerk looked
+up somewhat amazed that his master had got that
+length, and at last ventured to suggest that the difficulty
+might be got over. "How, John?" exclaimed his
+master. "As you have done the most important part,
+what would you say, sir, to send the paper to be finished
+by Mr. M&mdash;&mdash; with a guinea?"&mdash;"The very thing, John,
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_219" id="Page_219">[Pg 219]</a></span>tak' the paper to Mr. M&mdash;&mdash;, and as we've done the
+maist fickle pairt of the work he's deevilish weel aff wi'
+a guinea."</p>
+
+<p>We are indebted to the author of that capital collection
+of Scottish anecdote, <i>Thistledown</i>, for the following
+story, as illustrating one of the many humorous
+attempts to get the better of the law, and one in which
+the lawyer was "hoist with his own petard." A dealer
+having hired a horse to a lawyer, the latter, either
+through bad usage or by accident, killed the beast,
+upon which the hirer insisted upon payment of its
+value; and if it was not convenient to pay costs, he
+expressed his willingness to accept a bill. The lawyer
+offered no objection, but said he must have a long date.
+The hirer desired him to fix his own time, whereupon
+the writer drew a promissory note, making it payable
+at the day of judgment. An action ensued, when in
+defence, the lawyer asked the judge to look at the bill.
+Having done so, the judge replied: "The bill is perfectly
+good, sir; and as this is the day of judgment, I
+decree that you pay to-morrow."</p>
+
+<p>Joseph Gillon was a well-known Writer to the Signet
+early in the nineteenth century. Calling on him
+at his office one day, Sir Walter Scott said, "Why, Joseph,
+this place is as hot as an oven."&mdash;"Well," quoth
+Gillon, "and isn't it here that I make my bread?"</p>
+
+<p>A celebrated Scottish preacher and pastor was visiting
+the house of a solicitor who was one of his flock,
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_220" id="Page_220">[Pg 220]</a></span>but had a reputation of indulging in sharp practice.
+The minister was surprised to meet there two other
+members of his flock whose relations with the solicitor
+were not at the time known to be friendly or otherwise.
+In course of conversation the solicitor, alluding to some
+disputed point, appealed to the minister: "Doctor,
+these are members of your flock; may I ask whether
+you look on them as black or as white sheep?"&mdash;"I
+don't know," answered the minister, "whether they
+are black or white sheep; but this I know, that if they
+are long here they are pretty sure to be <i>fleeced</i>."</p>
+
+<p><i>Apropos</i> of this story is the one of a Scottish countrywoman
+who applied to a respectable solicitor for
+advice. After detailing all the circumstances of the case,
+she was asked if she had stated the facts exactly as
+they had occurred. "Ou ay, sir," rejoined the applicant;
+"I thought it best to tell you the plain truth;
+you can put the lees till't yoursel'."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The Lawyer's Toast</span></p>
+
+<p>At a dinner of a Scots Law Society, the president
+called upon an old solicitor present to give as a toast
+the person whom he considered the best friend of the
+profession. "Then," said the gentleman very slyly,
+"I'll give you 'The Man who makes his own will.'"</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_221" id="Page_221">[Pg 221]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_SEVEN" id="CHAPTER_SEVEN"></a>CHAPTER SEVEN<br />
+THE AMERICAN BENCH &amp; BAR</h2>
+
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_222" id="Page_222">[Pg 222]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"Going tew law is like skinning a new milch cow for the hide and
+giving the meat tew the lawyers."</p>
+
+<p>
+<span class="smcap">Josh Billings.</span><br />
+</p></div>
+
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>"Oh, sir, you understand a conscience, but not law."</p>
+
+<p>
+<span class="smcap">Massinger</span>: <i>The Old Law</i>.<br />
+</p></div>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_223" id="Page_223">[Pg 223]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2>CHAPTER SEVEN<br />
+THE AMERICAN BENCH &amp; BAR</h2>
+
+<p>The Rev. H. R. Haweis has defined "humour
+as the electric atmosphere, wit as the flash. A
+situation provides atmospheric humour, and with the
+culminating point of it comes the flash." This definition
+is peculiarly applicable to the humour of the
+Bench and Bar when the situation invariably provides
+the atmosphere for the wit. Not less so is this the
+case in American Courts than in British. Before Chief
+Justice Parsons was raised to the Bench, and when he
+was the leading lawyer of America, a client wrote, stating
+a case, requesting his opinion upon it, and enclosing
+twenty dollars. After the lapse of some time, receiving
+no answer, he wrote a second letter, informing
+him of his first communication. Parsons replied that
+he had received both letters, had examined the case
+and formed his opinion, but somehow or other "it stuck
+in his throat." The client understood this hint, sent
+him one hundred dollars, and received the opinion.<br /><br /></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 286px;">
+<a name="theophilus_parsons" id="theophilus_parsons"></a>
+<img src="images/theophilus_parsons.jpg" width="286" height="390" alt="THEOPHILUS PARSONS, CHIEF JUSTICE OF THE SUPREME COURT OF MASSACHUSETTS." title="" />
+<span class="caption">THEOPHILUS PARSONS, CHIEF JUSTICE OF THE SUPREME COURT OF MASSACHUSETTS.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>He was engaged in a heavy case which gave rise to
+many encounters between himself and the opposing
+counsel, Mr. Sullivan. During Parson's speech Sullivan
+picked up Parson's large black hat and wrote with
+a piece of chalk upon it: "This is the hat of a d&mdash;d
+rascal." The lawyers sitting round began to titter,
+which called attention to the hat, and the inscription
+soon caught the eye of Parsons, who at once said:
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_224" id="Page_224">[Pg 224]</a></span>"May it please your honour, I crave the protection of
+the Court, Brother Sullivan has been stealing my hat
+and writing his own name upon it."</p>
+
+<p>Parsons was considered a strong judge, and somewhat
+overbearing in his attitude towards counsel.
+One day he stopped Dexter, an eminent advocate, in
+the middle of his address to the jury, on the ground
+that he was urging a point unsupported by any evidence.
+Dexter hastily observed, "Your honour, did you
+argue your own cases in the way you require us to
+do?"&mdash;"Certainly not," retorted the judge; "but that
+was the judge's fault, not mine."</p>
+
+<p>Patrick Henry, "the forest-born Demosthenes," as
+Lord Byron called him, was defending an army commissary,
+who, during the distress of the American
+army in 1781, had seized some bullocks belonging to
+John Hook, a wealthy Scottish settler. The seizure
+was not quite legal, but Henry, defending, painted the
+hardships the patriotic army had to endure. "Where
+was the man," he said, "who had an American heart
+in his bosom who would not have thrown open his
+fields, his barbs, his cellars, the doors of his house,
+the portals of his breast, to have received with open
+arms the meanest soldier in that little band of famished
+patriots? Where is the man? <i>There</i> he stands; and
+whether the heart of an American beats in his bosom,
+you gentlemen are to judge." He then painted the
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_225" id="Page_225">[Pg 225]</a></span>surrender of the British troops, their humiliation and
+dejection, the triumph of the patriot band, the shouts
+of victory, the cry of "Washington and liberty," as it
+rang and echoed through the American ranks, and
+was reverberated from vale to hill, and then to heaven.
+"But hark! What notes of discord are these which disturb
+the general joy and silence, the acclamations of
+victory; they are the notes of <i>John Hook</i>, hoarsely
+bawling through the American camp&mdash;'Beef! beef!
+beef!'"</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>It is sometimes imagined that eloquent oratory is
+everything required of a good advocate, and certainly
+this idea must have been uppermost in the minds of
+the young American counsel who figure in the following
+stories. A Connecticut lawyer had addressed a
+long and impressive speech to a jury, of which this
+was his peroration: "And now the shades of night
+had wrapped the earth in darkness. All nature lay
+clothed in solemn thought, when the defendant ruffians
+came rushing like a mighty torrent from the
+mountains down upon the abodes of peace, broke open
+the plaintiff's house, separated the weeping mother
+from the screeching infant, and carried off&mdash;my
+client's rifle, gentlemen of the jury, for which we claim
+fifteen dollars."</p>
+
+<p>There was good excuse for adopting the "high-fa<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_226" id="Page_226">[Pg 226]</a></span>lutin"
+tone in the second instance, that it was the lawyer's
+first appearance. He was panting for distinction,
+and determined to convince the Court and jury that he
+was "born to shine." So he opened: "May it please the
+Court and gentlemen of the jury&mdash;while Europe is
+bathed in blood, while classic Greece is struggling for
+her rights and liberties, and trampling the unhallowed
+altars of the bearded infidels to dust, while the chosen
+few of degenerate Italy are waving their burnished
+swords in the sunlight of liberty, while America
+shines forth the brightest orb in the political sky&mdash;I,
+I, with due diffidence, rise to defend the cause of this
+humble hog thief."</p>
+
+<p>And this extract from a barrister's address "out
+West," some fifty years ago, surely could not fail to influence
+the jury in his client's behalf. "The law expressly
+declares, gentlemen, in the beautiful language
+of Shakespeare, that where a doubt of the prisoner
+exists, it is your duty to fetch him in innocent. If you
+keep this fact in view, in the case of my client, gentlemen,
+you will have the honour of making a friend of
+him and all his relations, and you can allus look upon
+this occasion and reflect with pleasure that you have
+done as you would be done by. But if, on the other
+hand, you disregard the principles of law and bring
+him in guilty, the silent twitches of conscience will follow
+you all over every fair cornfield, I reckon, and my
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_227" id="Page_227">[Pg 227]</a></span>injured and down-trodden client will be apt to light on
+you one of these dark nights as my cat lights on a saucerful
+of new milk."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>In a rural Justice Court in one of the Southern
+States the defendant in a case was sentenced to serve
+thirty days in jail. He had known the judge from boyhood,
+and addressed him as follows: "Bill, old boy,
+you're gwine to send me ter jail, air you?"&mdash;"That's
+so," replied the judge; "have you got anything to say
+agin it?"&mdash;"Only this, Bill: God help you when I git
+out."</p>
+
+<p>Daniel Webster was a clever and successful lawyer,
+who was engaged in many important causes in his day.
+In a case in one of the Virginian Courts he had for
+his opponent William Wirt, the biographer of Patrick
+Henry, a work which was criticised as a brilliant romance.
+In the progress of the case Webster brought
+forward a highly respectable witness, whose testimony
+(unless disproved or impeached) settled the case, and
+annihilated Wirt's client. After getting through his
+testimony, Webster informed his opponent, with a significant
+expression, that he had now closed his evidence,
+and his witness was at Wirt's service. The counsel
+for defence rose to cross-examine, but seemed for a
+moment quite perplexed how to proceed, but quickly
+assuming a manner expressive of his incredulity as to
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_228" id="Page_228">[Pg 228]</a></span>the facts elicited, and coolly eyeing the witness, said:
+"Mr. &mdash;&mdash;, allow me to ask you whether you have ever
+read a work called <i>Baron Munchausen</i>?" Before the
+witness had time to answer, Webster rose and said,
+"I beg your pardon, Mr. Wirt, for the interruption,
+but there was one question I forgot to ask my witness,
+and if you will allow me that favour I promise
+not to interrupt you again." Mr. Wirt in the blandest
+manner replied, "Yes, most certainly"; when Webster
+in the most deliberate and solemn manner, said,
+"Sir, have you ever read Wirt's <i>Life of Patrick
+Henry</i>?" The effect was so irresistible that even the
+judge could not control his rigid features. Wirt himself
+joined in the momentary laugh, and turning to
+Webster said: "Suppose we submit this case to jury
+without summing up"; which was assented to, and Mr.
+Webster's client won the case.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>In the year 1785 an Indian murdered a Mr. Evans
+at Pittsburg. When, after a confinement of several
+months, his trial was to be brought on, the chiefs of his
+nation were invited to be present at the proceedings
+and see how the trial would be conducted, as well as to
+speak in behalf of the accused, if they chose. These
+chiefs, however, instead of going as wished for, sent to
+the civil officers of that place the following laconic answer:
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_229" id="Page_229">[Pg 229]</a></span>"Brethren! you inform us that &mdash;&mdash;, who murdered
+one of your men at Pittsburg, is shortly to be
+tried by the laws of your country, at which trial you
+request that some of us may be present. Brethren!
+knowing &mdash;&mdash; to have been always a very bad man, we
+do not wish to see him. We therefore advise you to try
+him by your laws, and to hang him, so that he may
+never return to us again."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>There are many stories of the smart repartee of
+white and coloured witnesses and prisoners appearing
+before American judges, but the most of them bear
+such strong evidence of newspaper staff manufacture
+as to be unworthy of more permanent record than the
+weekly "fill up" they were designed for. Of the more
+reputable we select a few.</p>
+
+<p>Judge Emory Speer, of the southern district of
+Georgia, had before his Court a typical charge of
+illicit distilling. "What's your name?" demanded the
+eminent judge. "Joshua, jedge," drawled the prisoner.
+"Joshua who made the sun stand still?" smiled the
+judge, in amusement at the laconic answer. "No, sir. Joshua
+who made the moon shine," answered the quick-witted
+mountaineer. And it is needless to say that
+Judge Speer made the sentence as light as he possibly
+could, saying to his friends in telling the story that wit
+like that deserved some recompense.</p>
+
+<p>A newly qualified judge in Tennessee was trying
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_230" id="Page_230">[Pg 230]</a></span>his first criminal case. The accused was an old negro
+charged with robbing a hen-coop. He had been in
+Court before on a similar charge, and was then acquitted.
+"Well, Tom," began the judge, "I see you're in
+trouble again."&mdash;"Yes, sah," replied the negro. "The
+last time, jedge, you was ma lawyer."&mdash;"Where is
+your lawyer this time?" asked the judge. "I ain't got
+no lawyer this time," answered Tom. "I'm going to
+tell the truth."</p>
+
+<p>Judge M. W. Pinckney tells the story of a coloured
+man, Sam Jones by name, who was on trial at Dawson
+City, for felony. The judge asked Sam if he desired the
+appointment of a lawyer to defend him. "No, sah,"
+Sam replied, "I'se gwine to throw myself on the ignorance
+of the cote."</p>
+
+<p>A Southern lawyer tells of a case that came to him
+at the outset of his career, wherein his principal witness
+was a negro named Jackson, supposed to have
+knowledge of certain transactions not at all to the
+credit of his employer, the defendant. "Now, Jackson,"
+said the lawyer, "I want you to understand the importance
+of telling the truth when you are put on the stand.
+You know what will happen, don't you, if you don't tell
+the truth?"&mdash;"Yessir," was Jackson's reply; "in dat
+case I expects our side will win de case."</p>
+
+<p>When Senator Taylor was Governor of Tennessee,
+he issued a great many pardons to men and women
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_231" id="Page_231">[Pg 231]</a></span>confined in penitentiaries or jails in that State. His
+reputation as a "pardoning Governor" resulted in his
+being besieged by everybody who had a relative incarcerated.
+One morning an old negro woman made her
+way into the executive offices and asked Taylor to pardon
+her husband, who was in jail. "What's he in for?"
+asked the Governor. "Fo' nothin' but stealin' a ham,"
+explained the wife. "You don't want me to pardon
+him," argued the Governor. "If he got out he would
+only make trouble for you again."&mdash;"'Deed I does
+want him out ob dat place!" she objected. "I needs
+dat man."&mdash;"Why do you need him?" inquired Taylor,
+patiently. "Me an' de chillun," she said, seriously,
+"needs another ham."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Etiquette in the matter of dress was, in early days,
+of little or no consequence with American lawyers,
+especially in the Southern States. In South Carolina
+this neglect of the rigid observance of English rules
+on the part of Mr. Petigru, a well-known barrister,
+gave rise to the following passage between the Bench
+and the Bar.</p>
+
+<p>"Mr. Petigru," said the judge, "you have on a light
+coat. You can't speak."</p>
+
+<p>"May it please the Bench," said the barrister, "I
+conform strictly to the law. Let me illustrate. The
+law says the barrister shall wear a black gown and
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_232" id="Page_232">[Pg 232]</a></span>coat, and your honour thinks that means a black
+coat?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said the judge.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, the law also says the sheriff shall wear a
+cocked hat and sword. Does your honour hold that
+the sword must be cocked as well as the hat?"</p>
+
+<p>He was permitted to go on.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>In the United States, as elsewhere, the average juryman
+is not very well versed in the fine distinctions of
+the law. On these it is the judge's duty to instruct him.
+What guidance the jury got from the explanation of
+what constitutes murder is not quite clear to the lay
+mind, however satisfactory it may have appeared to
+the judge.</p>
+
+<p>"Gentlemen," he stated, with admirable lucidity,
+"murder is where a man is murderously killed. The
+killer in such a case is a murderer. Now, murder by
+poison is just as much murder as murder with a gun,
+pistol, or knife. It is the simple act of murdering that
+constitutes murder in the eye of the law. Don't let the
+idea of murder and manslaughter confound you. Murder
+is one thing; manslaughter is quite another. Consequently,
+if there has been a murder, and it is not
+manslaughter, then it must be murder. Don't let this
+point escape you."</p>
+
+<p>"Self-murder has nothing to do with this case. Ac<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_233" id="Page_233">[Pg 233]</a></span>cording
+to Blackstone and other legal writers, one man
+cannot commit <i>felo-de-se</i> upon another; and this is my
+opinion. Gentlemen, murder is murder. The murder
+of a brother is called fratricide; the murder of a father
+is called parricide, but that don't enter into this case.
+As I have said before, murder is emphatically murder."</p>
+
+<p>"You will consider your verdict, gentlemen, and
+make up your minds according to the law and the evidence,
+not forgetting the explanation I have given you."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>There is a delightful frankness about the address
+submitted to the electors by a candidate who solicited
+their support for the position of sheriff in one of the
+provinces of the United States, but its honesty cannot
+be questioned:</p>
+
+<p>"Gentlemen, I offer myself a candidate for sheriff; I
+have been a revolutionary officer; fought many bloody
+battles, suffered hunger, toil, heat; got honourable
+scars, but little pay. I will tell you plainly how I shall
+discharge my duty should I be so happy as to obtain a
+majority of your suffrages. If writs are put into my
+hands against any of you, I will take you if I can, and,
+unless you can get bail, I will deliver you over to the
+keeper of the gaol. Secondly, if judgments are found
+against you, and executions directed to me, I will sell
+your property as the law directs, without favour or affection;
+if there be any surplus money, I will punct<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_234" id="Page_234">[Pg 234]</a></span>ually
+remit it. Thirdly, if any of you should commit a
+crime (which God forbid!) that requires capital punishment,
+according to law, I will hang you up by the neck
+till you are dead."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 291px;">
+<a name="rufus_choate" id="rufus_choate"></a>
+<img src="images/rufus_choate.jpg" width="291" height="390" alt="RUFUS CHOATE, LEADER OF THE MASSACHUSETTS BAR." title="" />
+<span class="caption">RUFUS CHOATE, LEADER OF THE MASSACHUSETTS BAR.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Rufus Choate was designated <i>the</i> leader of the Massachusetts
+Bar&mdash;a distinctive title which long outlived
+him and marked the sense of esteem in which he
+was held by his brother lawyers, as well as indicating
+his outstanding ability and success.</p>
+
+<p>In 1841 a divorce case was tried in America, and a
+young woman named Abigail Bell was the chief witness
+of the adultery of the wife. Sumner, for the defence,
+cross-examined Abigail. "Are you married?"&mdash;"No."&mdash;"Any
+children?"&mdash;"No."&mdash;"Have you a child?"
+Here there was a long pause, and then at last the witness
+feebly replied, "Yes." Sumner sat down with an
+air of triumph. Rufus Choate was advocate for the
+husband, who claimed the divorce, and after enlarging
+on other things, said, "Gentlemen, Abigail Bell's evidence
+is before you." Raising himself proudly, he continued,
+"I solemnly assert there is not the shadow of
+a shade of doubt or suspicion on that evidence or on
+her character." Everybody looked surprised, and he
+went on: "What though in an unguarded moment she
+may have trusted too much to the young man to whom
+she had pledged her untried affections; to whom she
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_235" id="Page_235">[Pg 235]</a></span>was to be wedded on the next Lord's Day; and who
+was suddenly struck dead at her feet by a stroke of
+lightning out of the heavens!" This was delivered with
+such tragic effect that Choate, majestically pausing,
+saw the jury had taken the cue, and he went on triumphantly
+to the end. He afterwards told his friends
+that he had a right to make any supposition consistent
+with the witness's innocence.</p>
+
+<p>A client went to consult him as to the proper redress
+for an intolerable insult and wrong he had just
+suffered. He had been in a dispute with a waiter at the
+hotel, who in a paroxysm of rage and contempt told
+the client "to go to &mdash;&mdash;." "Now," said the client,
+"I ask you, Mr. Choate, as one learned in the law, and
+as my legal adviser, what course under these circumstances
+I ought to take to punish this outrageous insult."
+Choate looked grave, and told the client to repeat
+slowly all the incidents preceding this outburst,
+telling him to be careful not to omit anything, and
+when this was done Choate stood for a while as if in
+deep thought and revolving an abstruse subject; he
+then gravely said: "I have been running over in my
+head all the statutes of the United States, and all the
+statutes of the commonwealth of Massachusetts, and
+all the decisions of all the judges in our Courts therein,
+and I may say that I am thoroughly satisfied that there
+is nothing in any of them that will require you to go
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_236" id="Page_236">[Pg 236]</a></span>to the place you have mentioned. And if you will take
+my advice then I say decidedly&mdash;<i>don't go</i>."</p>
+
+<p>Choate defended a blacksmith whose creditor had
+seized some iron that a friend had lent him to assist
+in the business after a bankruptcy. The seizure of the
+iron was said to have been made harshly. Choate thus
+described it: "He arrested the arm of industry as it
+fell towards the anvil; he put out the breath of his
+bellows; he extinguished the fire upon his hearthstone.
+Like pirates in a gale at sea, his enemies swept
+everything by the board, leaving, gentlemen of the
+jury, not so much&mdash;not so much as a horseshoe to nail
+upon the doorpost to keep the witches off." The blacksmith,
+sitting behind, was seen to have tears in his
+eyes at this description, and a friend noticing it, said,
+"Why, Tom, what's the matter with you? What are
+you blubbering about?"&mdash;"I had no idea," said Tom
+in a whisper, "that I had been so abominably ab-ab-bused."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>A veteran member of the Baltimore Bar tells of an
+amusing cross-examination in a Court of that city.
+The witness seemed disposed to dodge the questions
+of counsel for the defence. "Sir," admonished the
+counsel sternly, "you need not tell us your impressions.
+We want facts. We are quite competent to form
+our own impressions. Now, sir, answer me categoric<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_237" id="Page_237">[Pg 237]</a></span>ally."
+From that time on he got little more than "yes"
+and "no" from the witness. Presently counsel asked:
+"You say that you live next door to the defendant."&mdash;"Yes."&mdash;"To
+the south of him?"&mdash;"No."&mdash;"To the
+north?"&mdash;"No."&mdash;"Well, to the east then?"&mdash;"No."&mdash;"Ah,"
+exclaimed the counsel sarcastically, "we are
+likely now to get down to the one real fact. You live to
+the west of him, do you not?"&mdash;"No."&mdash;"How is that,
+sir?" the astounded counsel asked. "You say you live
+next door to the defendant, yet he lives neither north,
+south, east, or west of you. What do you mean by
+that, sir?" Whereupon the witness "came back." "I
+thought perhaps you were competent to form the impression
+that we lived in a flat," said the witness calmly;
+"but I see I must inform you that he lives next door
+above me."</p>
+
+<p>In the Supreme Court of the United States the President
+interrupted counsel in the course of a long
+speech by saying: "Mr. Jones, you must give this
+Court credit for knowing <i>something</i>."&mdash;"That's all
+very well," replied the advocate (who came from a
+Western State), "but that's exactly the mistake I made
+in the Court below."</p>
+
+<p>In a suit for damages against a grasping railway
+corporation for killing a cow, the attorney for the
+plaintiff, addressing the twelve Arkansas good men
+and true who were sitting in judgment, and on their
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_238" id="Page_238">[Pg 238]</a></span>respective shoulder-blades, said: "Gentlemen of the
+jury, if the train had been running as slow as it should
+have been ran, if the bell had been rung as it 'ort to
+have been rang, or the whistle had been blown as it
+'ort to have been blew, none of which was did, the cow
+would not have been injured when she was killed."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Although not strictly a story of either the Bench or
+the Bar of America, it is so pertinent to the latter that
+we cannot omit the following told by the Scottish
+clergyman, the late Dr. Gillespie of Mouswold, in his
+amusing collection of anecdotes.</p>
+
+<p>A young American lady was his guest at the manse
+while a young Scottish advocate was spending a holiday
+in the neighbourhood. He was invited to dine at
+the manse, and took the young lady in to dinner, and
+kept teasing her in a lively, good-natured manner about
+American people and institutions, while it may be
+guessed his neighbour held her own, as most American
+girls are well able to do. At length the advocate asked,
+"Miss &mdash;&mdash;, have you any lawyers in America?" She
+knowing what profession he belonged to replied quick
+as thought, "Oh yes, Mr. &mdash;&mdash;, lots of lawyers. I've
+a brother a lawyer. Whenever we've a member of
+a family a bigger liar than another, we make him a
+lawyer."</p>
+
+<p>A quaint decision was given by Judge Kimmel, of
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_239" id="Page_239">[Pg 239]</a></span>the Supreme Court at St. Louis, in an application for
+divorce by Mrs. Quan. The judge directed Patrick J.
+Egan, a policeman, to supervise the domestic affairs
+of the couple, and to visit their home daily for thirty
+days. After questioning the wife closely on her attitude
+towards her husband and his treatment of her,
+Egan wrote down for the wife's guidance a long array
+of precepts. Among these were the following:</p>
+
+<p>"Don't remonstrate with your husband when he
+has been drinking. Wait until next morning. Then
+give him a cup of coffee for his headache. Afterwards
+lead him into the parlour, put your arms about him,
+and give him a lecture. It will have more weight with
+him than any number of quarrels.</p>
+
+<p>"If he has to drink, let him have it at home.</p>
+
+<p>"Avoid mothers-in-law. Don't let them live with
+you or interfere in your affairs.</p>
+
+<p>"If you must have your own way, do not let your
+husband know you are trying to boss him. Have your
+own way by letting him think he is having his.</p>
+
+<p>"Dress to suit your husband's taste and income.
+Husbands usually don't like their wives to wear tight
+dresses. Consult him on these matters.</p>
+
+<p>"Don't be jealous or give your husband cause for
+jealousy.</p>
+
+<p>"When your husband is in a bad humour, be in a
+good humour. It may be difficult, but it will pay."</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_240" id="Page_240">[Pg 240]</a></span></p>
+<p>The policeman-philosopher's precepts were duly
+printed, framed, and placed against the wall of the family
+sitting-room. After paying only fifteen of the thirty
+visits to the house directed by the judge, the results
+could not have been more gratifying. Mr. and Mrs.
+Quan were delighted, and presented the guide to martial
+bliss with a handsome token of their gratitude in
+the form of a gold watch.</p>
+
+<p>Many of the droll sayings of the American Bench
+of past years are attributable to the fact that the judges
+were appointed by popular vote, and the successful
+candidate was not always a man of high attainments
+in the practice of his profession at the Bar, or of profound
+learning in the laws of his country. Too often
+he was a man of no better education than the mass of
+litigants upon whose causes he was called to adjudicate.
+For instance, a Kentuckian judge cut short a
+tedious and long-winded counsel by suddenly breaking
+into his speech with: "If the Court is right, and
+she thinks she air, why, then, you are wrong, and you
+knows you is. Shut up!"</p>
+
+<p>"What are you reading from?" demanded Judge
+Dowling, who had in his earlier life been a fireman and
+later a police officer. "From the statutes of 1876, your
+honour," was the reply. "Well, you needn't read any
+more," retorted the judge; "I'm judge in this Court,
+and my statutes are good enough law for anybody."
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_241" id="Page_241">[Pg 241]</a></span>A codified law and precedent cases were of no account
+to this "equity" judge.</p>
+
+<p>But these are mild instances of the methods of early
+American judges compared with the summing up of
+Judge Rodgers&mdash;Old Kye, as he was called&mdash;in an
+action for wrongful dismissal brought before him by
+an overseer. "The jury," said his honour, "will take
+notice that this Court is well acquainted with the nature
+of the case. When this Court first started in the world
+it followed the business of overseering, and if there is
+a business which this Court understands, it's hosses,
+mules, and niggers; though this Court never overseed
+in its life for less than eight hundred dollars. And this
+Court in hoss-racing was always naterally gifted; and
+this Court in running a quarter race whar the hosses
+was turned could allers turn a hoss so as to gain fifteen
+feet in a race; and on a certain occasion it was
+one of the conditions of the race that Kye Rodgers
+shouldn't turn narry of the hosses." Surely it must
+have been Old Kye who, upon taking his official seat
+for the first time, said: "If this Court know her duty,
+and she thinks she do, justice will walk over this track
+with her head and tail up."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>On a divorce case coming before a Western administrator
+of the law, Judge A. Smith, he thus addressed
+the plaintiff's counsel, who was awaiting the arrival of
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_242" id="Page_242">[Pg 242]</a></span>his opponent to open proceedings. "I don't think people
+ought to be compelled to live together when they don't
+want to do so. I will decree a divorce in this case."
+Thereupon they were declared to be no longer man and
+wife. At this juncture the defendant's counsel entered
+the Court and expressed surprise that the judge had
+not at least heard one side of the case, much less both
+sides, and protested against such over-hasty proceedings.
+But to all his protestations the judge turned a
+deaf ear; only informing him that no objections could
+now be raised after decree had been pronounced.
+"But," he added, "if you want to argue the case 'right
+bad,' the Court will marry the couple again, and you
+can then have your say out."</p>
+
+<p>Breach of promise cases generally afford plenty of
+amusement to the public, both in the United States
+and Great Britain, but it is only in early American
+Courts that we hear of a judge adding to the hilarity
+by congratulating the successful party to the suit. A
+young American belle sued her faithless sweetheart,
+and claimed damages laid at one hundred dollars. The
+defendant pleaded that after an intimate acquaintance
+with the family, he found it was impossible to live
+comfortably with his intended mother-in-law, who was
+to take up residence with her daughter after the marriage,
+and he refused to fulfil his promise. "Would
+you rather live with your mother-in-law, or pay <i>two hundred</i>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_243" id="Page_243">[Pg 243]</a></span>
+dollars?" inquired the judge. "Pay two hundred
+dollars," was the prompt reply. Said the judge:
+"Young man, let me shake hands with you. There
+was a time in my life when I was in the same situation
+as you are in now. Had I possessed your firmness, I
+should have been spared twenty-five years of trouble.
+I had the alternative of marrying or paying a hundred
+and twenty-five dollars. Being poor, I married; and
+for twenty-five years have I regretted it. I am happy
+to meet with a man of your stamp. The plaintiff must
+pay ten dollars and costs for having thought of putting
+a gentleman under the dominion of a mother-in-law."</p>
+
+<p>The charms of the female sex were more susceptible
+to the Iowa judge than to his brother of the former
+story. This worthy refused to fine a man for kissing a
+young lady against her will, because the complainant
+was so pretty that "nothing but the Court's overwhelming
+sense of dignity prevented the Court from
+kissing her itself."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>"A fellow-feeling makes one wondrous kind," wrote
+Garrick, and something of this nature must have actuated
+Judge Bela Brown in a case in a Circuit Court of
+Georgia. The judge was an able lawyer, and right good
+boon companion among his legal friends. The night
+before the Court opened he joined the Circuit barristers
+at a tavern kept by one Sterrit, where the company
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_244" id="Page_244">[Pg 244]</a></span>enjoyed themselves "not wisely, but too well." Next
+morning the judge was greatly perturbed to find a
+quantity of silver spoons in his pocket, which had been
+placed there by a wag of the company as the judge
+left the tavern the night before. "Was I tipsy when I
+came home last night?" timidly asked the judge of his
+wife. "Yes," said she; "you know your habits when
+you get among your lawyer friends."&mdash;"Well," responded
+the judge, "that fellow keeps the meanest
+liquor in the States; but I never thought it was so bad
+as to induce a man to steal."</p>
+
+<p>Before the close of the Court a man was arraigned
+for larceny, who pleaded guilty, but put forward the
+extenuating circumstance that he was drunk and
+didn't know what he was doing. "What is the nature
+of the charge," asked Judge Brown. "Stealing money
+from Sterrit's till," replied the clerk. "Are you sure
+you were tipsy when you took this money?"&mdash;"Yes,
+your honour; when I went out of doors the ground kept
+coming up and hitting me on the head."&mdash;"That will
+do. Did you get all your liquor at Sterrit's?"&mdash;"Every
+drop, sir." Turning to the prosecuting attorney the
+judge said, "You will do me the favour of entering a
+<i>nolle prosequi</i>; that liquor of Sterrit's I have reason to
+know is enough to make a man do anything dirty. I
+got tipsy on it myself the other night and stole all his
+spoons. If Sterrit will sell such abominable stuff he
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_245" id="Page_245">[Pg 245]</a></span>ought not to have the protection of this Court&mdash;Mr.
+Sheriff, you may release the prisoner."</p>
+
+<p>The judge of a Court in Nevada dealt differently
+with a man who, charged with intoxication, thought
+to gain acquittal by a whimsical treatment of his
+offence. On being asked whether he was rightly or
+wrongly charged he pleaded, "Not guilty, your honour.
+Sunstroke!"&mdash;"Sunstroke?" queried Judge Cox.
+"Yes, sir; the regular New York variety."&mdash;"You've
+had sunstroke a good deal in your time, I believe?"&mdash;"Yes,
+your honour; but this last attack was most severe."&mdash;"Does
+sunstroke make you rush through the
+streets offering to fight the town?"&mdash;"That's the effect
+precisely."&mdash;"And makes you throw brickbats at
+people?"&mdash;"That's it, judge. I see you understand the
+symptoms, and agree with the best recognised authorities,
+who hold it inflames the organs of combativeness
+and destructiveness. When a man of my temperament
+gets a good square sunstroke he's liable to
+do almost anything."&mdash;"Yes; you are quite right&mdash;liable
+to go to jail for fifteen days. You'll go down with
+the policeman at once." With that observation the
+conversation naturally closed, and the victim of so-called
+sunstroke "went down."</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>"Sheriff, remove the prisoner's hat," said a judge in
+the Court of Keatingville, Montana, when he noticed
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_246" id="Page_246">[Pg 246]</a></span>that the culprit before him had neglected to do so.
+The sheriff obeyed instructions by knocking off the
+hat with his rifle. The prisoner picked it up, and clapping
+it on his head again, shouted, "I am bald, judge."
+Once more it was "removed" by the sheriff, while the
+indignant judge rose and said, "I fine you five dollars
+for contempt of Court&mdash;to be committed until the fine
+is paid." The offender approached the judge, and laying
+down half a dollar remarked, "Your sentence,
+judge, is most ungentlemanly; but the law is imperative
+and I will have to stand it; so here is half a dollar,
+and the four dollars and a half you owed me when we
+stopped playing poker this morning makes us square."</p>
+
+<p>The card-playing administrator of law must have
+felt as small as his brother-judge who priced a cow at
+an Arkansas cattle-market. Seeing one that took his
+fancy he asked the farmer what he wanted for her.
+"Thirty dollars, and she'll give you five quarts of milk
+if you feed her well," said the farmer. "Why," quoth
+the judge, "I have cows not much more than half her
+size which give twenty quarts of milk a day." The
+farmer eyed the would-be purchaser of the cow very
+hard, as if trying to remember if he had met him before,
+and then inquired where he lived. "My home is in
+Iowa," replied the judge. "Yes, stranger, I don't dispute
+it. There were heaps of soldiers from Iowa down
+here during the war, and they were the worst liars in
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_247" id="Page_247">[Pg 247]</a></span>the whole Yankee army. Maybe you were an officer
+in one of them regiments." Then the judge returned to
+his Court duties.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p>Judge Kiah Rodgers already figures in a story, and
+here we give his address to a delinquent when he
+presided at a Court in Louisiana. "Prisoner, stand up!
+Mr. Kettles, this Court is under the painful necessity
+of passing sentence of the law upon you. This Court
+has no doubt, Mr. Kettles, but what you were brought
+into this scrape by the use of intoxicating liquors. The
+friends of this Court all know that if there is any vice
+this Court abhors it is intoxication. When this Court
+was a young man, Mr. Kettles, it was considerably inclined
+to drink, and the friends of this Court know
+that this Court has naterally a very high temper; and
+if this Court had not stopped short off, I have no doubt,
+sir, but what this Court, sir, would have been in the
+penitentiary or in its grave."</p>
+
+<p>There was a strong sense of duty to humanity, as
+well as seeing justice carried out, in the Californian
+sheriff after an interview with a self-confessed murderer,
+who desired to be sent to New York to be
+tried, when he addressed the prisoner: "So your conscience
+ain't easy, and you want to be hanged?" said
+the sheriff. "Well, my friend, the county treasury ain't
+well fixed at present, and I don't want to take any
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_248" id="Page_248">[Pg 248]</a></span>risks, in case you're not the man, and are just fishing
+for a free ride. Besides, those New York Courts can't
+be trusted to hang a man. As you say, you deserve to
+be killed, and your conscience won't be easy till you
+are killed, and as it can't make any difference to you
+or to society how you are killed, I guess I'll do the job
+myself!" and his hand moved to his pocket; but before
+he could pull out the revolver and level it at the murderer,
+that conscience-stricken individual was down
+the road and out of killing distance.</p>
+
+<p>Like the sailor who objected to his captain undertaking
+the double duty of flogging and preaching,
+prisoners do not appreciate the judge who delivers
+sentence upon them and at the same time admonishes
+them in a long speech. After being sentenced a Californian
+prisoner was thus reproached by a judge for
+his lack of ambition:</p>
+
+<p>"Where is it, sir? Where is it? Did you ever hear
+of Cicero taking free lunches? Did you ever hear that
+Plato gamboled through the alleys of Athens? Did you
+ever hear Demosthenes accused of sleeping under a
+coal-shed? If you would be a Plato, there would be a
+fire in your eye; your hair would have an intellectual
+cut; you'd step into a clean shirt; and you'd hire a
+mowing-machine to pare those finger-nails. You have
+got to go up for four months!"</p>
+
+<p>In conclusion we return to the jury-box of a New
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_249" id="Page_249">[Pg 249]</a></span>York Court for the story of a well-known character
+who frequently was called to act along with other good
+men and true. As soon as they had retired to deliberate
+on the evidence they had heard, he would button up
+his coat and "turn in" on a bench, exclaiming, "Gentlemen,
+I'm for bringing in a verdict for the plaintiff
+(or the defendant, as he had settled in his mind), and
+all Creation can't move me. Therefore as soon as
+you have all agreed with me, wake me up
+and we'll go in."</p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_250" id="Page_250">[Pg 250]</a></span><br /></p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_251" id="Page_251">[Pg 251]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="LENVOI" id="LENVOI"></a>L'ENVOI</h2>
+
+<div class="poetryblock">
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0smcap">"the task is ended, and aside we fling<br /></span>
+<span class="i0smcap">the musty books tied up with legal string;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0smcap">and so good night, since we our say have said,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0smcap">shut up the volume and proceed to bed;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0smcap">and dream, dear reader, of a future, when<br /></span>
+<span class="i0smcap">a lawyer may shake hands with you again."</span><br />
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Willock</span>: <i>Legal Faceti&aelig;</i>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_252" id="Page_252">[Pg 252]</a></span><br /></p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_253" id="Page_253">[Pg 253]</a></span></p>
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" /><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_254" id="Page_254">[Pg 254]</a></span><br /></p><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_255" id="Page_255">[Pg 255]</a></span></p>
+<h2><a name="INDEX" id="INDEX"></a>INDEX</h2>
+
+
+<p>
+Abbot, Mr. Justice, <a href="#Page_43">43</a><br />
+<br />
+Abinger, Lord, <a href="#Page_35">35</a>, <a href="#Page_36">36</a>, <a href="#Page_42">42</a><br />
+<br />
+Adam, H. L., <a href="#Page_80">80</a>, <a href="#Page_101">101</a><br />
+<br />
+Adams, Serjeant, <a href="#Page_85">85</a><br />
+<br />
+Adolphus, John, <a href="#Page_76">76</a><br />
+<br />
+Alderson, Baron, <a href="#Page_45">45</a><br />
+<br />
+Alemoor, Lord, <a href="#Page_156">156</a><br />
+<br />
+Allen, Serjeant, <a href="#Page_68">68</a><br />
+<br />
+Alverstone, Lord, <a href="#Page_62">62</a><br />
+<br />
+Andrews, W., <a href="#Page_26">26</a>, <a href="#Page_99">99</a><br />
+<br />
+Anne, Queen, <a href="#Page_107">107</a>, <a href="#Page_159">159</a><br />
+<br />
+Archibald, Mr. Justice, <a href="#Page_94">94</a><br />
+<br />
+Ardwall, Lord, <a href="#Page_193">193</a>, <a href="#Page_212">212</a><br />
+<br />
+Arnot, Hugo, <a href="#Page_201">201</a>, <a href="#Page_203">203</a><br />
+<br />
+Atkinson, Mrs., <a href="#Page_90">90</a><br />
+<br />
+Auchinleck, Lord, <a href="#Page_155">155</a><br />
+<br />
+Avonmore, Lord, <a href="#Page_119">119-122</a>, <a href="#Page_131">131</a>, <a href="#Page_133">133</a><br />
+<br />
+Avory, Lord, <a href="#Page_62">62</a>, <a href="#Page_63">63</a><br />
+<br />
+<br />
+Bacon, Lord, <a href="#Page_68">68</a><br />
+<br />
+Bacon, Sir Nicholas, <a href="#Page_5">5</a><br />
+<br />
+Bacon, Vice-Chancellor, <a href="#Page_38">38</a>, <a href="#Page_54">54</a><br />
+<br />
+Baird, Mr., of Cambusdoon, <a href="#Page_192">192</a><br />
+<br />
+Baldwin, Mr., <a href="#Page_83">83</a><br />
+<br />
+Balfour, Sheriff, <a href="#Page_209">209</a><br />
+<br />
+Ballantine, Serjeant, <a href="#Page_81">81</a>, <a href="#Page_88">88</a><br />
+<br />
+Balmuto, Lord, <a href="#Page_201">201</a><br />
+<br />
+Bannatyne, Lord, <a href="#Page_165">165</a><br />
+<br />
+Barjarg, Lord, <a href="#Page_156">156</a><br />
+<br />
+Bell, Abigail, <a href="#Page_234">234</a><br />
+<br />
+Bethel, I. B., <a href="#Page_136">136</a><br />
+<br />
+Birrell, Augustine, <a href="#Page_89">89</a><br />
+<br />
+Blair, Lord President, <a href="#Page_170">170</a><br />
+<br />
+Blair, Thomas W., <a href="#Page_159">159</a><br />
+<br />
+Boswell, James, <a href="#Page_155">155</a>, <a href="#Page_165">165</a><br />
+<br />
+Bowen, Lord, <a href="#Page_53">53</a>, <a href="#Page_54">54</a><br />
+<br />
+Boyd, Judge, <a href="#Page_135">135</a><br />
+<br />
+Boyle, Lord Justice-Clerk, <a href="#Page_175">175</a><br />
+<br />
+Braxfield, Lord, <a href="#Page_155">155</a>, <a href="#Page_182">182</a>, <a href="#Page_183">183</a>, <a href="#Page_200">200</a><br />
+<br />
+Brocklesby, Dr., <a href="#Page_15">15</a><br />
+<br />
+Brougham, Lord, <a href="#Page_17">17</a>, <a href="#Page_39">39-43</a>, <a href="#Page_117">117</a>, <a href="#Page_188">188</a>, <a href="#Page_205">205</a><br />
+<br />
+Brown, Judge Bela, <a href="#Page_243">243</a><br />
+<br />
+Buchan, Earl of, <a href="#Page_27">27</a>, <a href="#Page_202">202</a><br />
+<br />
+Bullen, Edward, <a href="#Page_85">85</a><br />
+<br />
+Burrowes, Peter, <a href="#Page_145">145</a><br />
+<br />
+Burrows, Sir James, <a href="#Page_9">9</a><br />
+<br />
+Bushe, Charles K., <a href="#Page_118">118</a>, <a href="#Page_122">122</a>, <a href="#Page_138">138</a><br />
+<br />
+Butler, Sir Toby, <a href="#Page_127">127</a><br />
+<br />
+Byles, Mr. Justice, <a href="#Page_49">49</a><br />
+<br />
+Byron, Lord, <a href="#Page_224">224</a><br />
+<br />
+<br />
+Campbell, Lord John, <a href="#Page_13">13</a>, <a href="#Page_25">25</a>, <a href="#Page_34">34</a>, <a href="#Page_35">35</a>, <a href="#Page_41">41-44</a>, <a href="#Page_76">76</a>, <a href="#Page_86">86</a><br />
+<br />
+Campbell, Lord President, <a href="#Page_181">181</a><br />
+<br />
+Carleton, Chief Justice, <a href="#Page_112">112</a><br />
+<br />
+Carleton, Lady, <a href="#Page_112">112</a><br />
+<br />
+Chambers, Montague, <a href="#Page_77">77</a><br />
+<br />
+Charles II, <a href="#Page_6">6</a>, <a href="#Page_68">68</a><br />
+<br />
+Chelmsford, Lord, <a href="#Page_46">46</a><br />
+<br />
+Chitty, Lord Justice, <a href="#Page_38">38</a><br />
+<br />
+Choate, Rufus, <a href="#Page_234">234-236</a><br />
+<br />
+Clare, Lord, <a href="#Page_132">132</a><br />
+<br />
+Clarke, George, minstrel, <a href="#Page_97">97</a><br />
+<br />
+Clarke, Thomas, <a href="#Page_75">75</a>, <a href="#Page_76">76</a><br />
+<br />
+Clonmel, Earl of, <a href="#Page_109">109</a>, <a href="#Page_110">110</a><br />
+<br />
+Coalston, Lord, <a href="#Page_156">156</a><br />
+<br />
+Cockburn, Lord, <a href="#Page_171">171</a>, <a href="#Page_173">173</a>, <a href="#Page_174">174</a>, <a href="#Page_175">175</a>, <a href="#Page_185">185-187</a>, <a href="#Page_215">215</a><br />
+<br />
+Cockburn, Sir Alexander, <a href="#Page_46">46</a>, <a href="#Page_47">47</a>, <a href="#Page_55">55-57</a><br />
+<br />
+Cockle, Serjeant, <a href="#Page_100">100</a>, <a href="#Page_101">101</a><br />
+<br />
+Coleridge, Lord, <a href="#Page_51">51</a>, <a href="#Page_52">52</a><br />
+<br />
+Collins, Stephen, Q.C., <a href="#Page_140">140</a>, <a href="#Page_141">141</a><br />
+<br />
+Colman, George, <a href="#Page_79">79</a><br />
+<br />
+Colquhoun, Sir James, <a href="#Page_202">202</a><br />
+<br />
+Connor, John, <a href="#Page_143">143</a><br />
+<br />
+Cooke, Tom, <a href="#Page_36">36</a><br />
+<br />
+Cottenham, Lord Chancellor, <a href="#Page_42">42</a><br />
+<br />
+Coutts, Thomas, <a href="#Page_159">159</a><br />
+<br />
+Covington, Lord, <a href="#Page_155">155</a><br />
+<br />
+Cox, Judge, <a href="#Page_245">245</a><br />
+<br />
+Crabtree, Jesse, <a href="#Page_79">79</a><br />
+<br />
+Cranworth, Lord, <a href="#Page_35">35</a><br />
+<br />
+Cringletie, Lord, <a href="#Page_170">170</a><br />
+<br />
+Crispe, Thomas E., <a href="#Page_94">94</a><br />
+<br />
+Crosbie, Andrew, <a href="#Page_205">205</a><br />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_256" id="Page_256">[Pg 256]</a></span><br />
+Cunningham, Lord, <a href="#Page_206">206</a><br />
+<br />
+Curran, J. P., <a href="#Page_109">109</a>, <a href="#Page_113">113</a>, <a href="#Page_120">120</a>, <a href="#Page_121">121</a>, <a href="#Page_127">127-134</a><br />
+<br />
+<br />
+Danckwerts, Mr., Q.C., <a href="#Page_59">59</a><br />
+<br />
+Darling, Mr. Justice, <a href="#Page_3">3</a>, <a href="#Page_4">4</a>, <a href="#Page_58">58-60</a><br />
+<br />
+Davenport, Sir Thomas, <a href="#Page_12">12</a><br />
+<br />
+Davy, Serjeant, <a href="#Page_70">70</a>, <a href="#Page_71">71</a><br />
+<br />
+Deas, Lord, <a href="#Page_177">177</a><br />
+<br />
+Denman, Lord, <a href="#Page_72">72</a>, <a href="#Page_73">73</a><br />
+<br />
+Dewar, Lord, <a href="#Page_51">51</a><br />
+<br />
+Dirleton, Lord, <a href="#Page_153">153</a><br />
+<br />
+Douglas, Alexander, W.S., <a href="#Page_188">188</a><br />
+<br />
+Dowling, Judge, <a href="#Page_240">240</a><br />
+<br />
+Doyle, Mr., <a href="#Page_121">121</a><br />
+<br />
+Duke, Mr., K.C., <a href="#Page_60">60</a><br />
+<br />
+Dun, Lord, <a href="#Page_159">159</a><br />
+<br />
+Dundas, Henry (Lord Melville), <a href="#Page_157">157</a>, <a href="#Page_200">200</a><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Robert, first Lord President, <a href="#Page_156">156</a>, <a href="#Page_158">158</a></span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">&mdash;&mdash; second Lord President, <a href="#Page_204">204</a></span><br />
+<br />
+Dunning, Serjeant, <a href="#Page_17">17</a>, <a href="#Page_73">73</a>, <a href="#Page_74">74</a><br />
+<br />
+<br />
+Egan, John, Q.C., <a href="#Page_131">131</a>, <a href="#Page_134">134</a><br />
+<br />
+Egerton, Master of Rolls, <a href="#Page_6">6</a><br />
+<br />
+Eldin, Lord, <a href="#Page_164">164</a>, <a href="#Page_167">167-171</a><br />
+<br />
+Eldon, Earl of, <a href="#Page_10">10-12</a>, <a href="#Page_17">17-19</a>, <a href="#Page_167">167</a>, <a href="#Page_171">171</a>, <a href="#Page_179">179</a><br />
+<br />
+Elizabeth, Queen, <a href="#Page_68">68</a><br />
+<br />
+Ellenborough, Lord, <a href="#Page_20">20</a>, <a href="#Page_21">21</a><br />
+<br />
+Elliock, Lord, <a href="#Page_156">156</a><br />
+<br />
+Erne, Lord, <a href="#Page_114">114</a><br />
+<br />
+Erskine, Henry, <a href="#Page_27">27</a>, <a href="#Page_164">164</a>, <a href="#Page_199">199-202</a><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">John, of Carnoch, <a href="#Page_157">157</a></span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">&mdash;&mdash; Lord, <a href="#Page_27">27-31</a>, <a href="#Page_46">46</a></span><br />
+<br />
+Esher, Lord, <a href="#Page_54">54</a><br />
+<br />
+Eskgrove, Lord, <a href="#Page_155">155</a>, <a href="#Page_160">160</a>, <a href="#Page_161">161</a>, <a href="#Page_162">162</a>, <a href="#Page_164">164</a>, <a href="#Page_199">199</a><br />
+<br />
+Evans, <a href="#Page_228">228</a><br />
+<br />
+Eve, Mr. Justice, <a href="#Page_69">69</a><br />
+<br />
+<br />
+Fisher, Dr., <a href="#Page_19">19</a><br />
+<br />
+Fitton, Lord Chancellor, <a href="#Page_127">127</a><br />
+<br />
+Flood, Right Hon. H., <a href="#Page_110">110</a><br />
+<br />
+Forglen, Lord, <a href="#Page_160">160</a><br />
+<br />
+Fortesque, Lord, <a href="#Page_8">8</a><br />
+<br />
+Foster, Judge, <a href="#Page_113">113</a><br />
+<br />
+Fountainhall, Lord, <a href="#Page_153">153</a>, <a href="#Page_154">154</a><br />
+<br />
+Furton, Sir Thomas, <a href="#Page_132">132</a><br />
+<br />
+<br />
+Gardenstone, Lord, <a href="#Page_156">156</a><br />
+<br />
+Garrick, David, <a href="#Page_243">243</a><br />
+<br />
+George III, <a href="#Page_19">19</a>, <a href="#Page_24">24</a><br />
+<br />
+Gillespie, Rev. Dr., <a href="#Page_238">238</a><br />
+<br />
+Gillon, Joseph, W.S., <a href="#Page_219">219</a><br />
+<br />
+Glengarry, <a href="#Page_161">161</a><br />
+<br />
+Gould, Mr. Justice, <a href="#Page_22">22</a>, <a href="#Page_30">30</a>, <a href="#Page_60">60</a>, <a href="#Page_71">71</a><br />
+<br />
+Grady, H. D., <a href="#Page_135">135-136</a><br />
+<br />
+Graham, Baron, <a href="#Page_34">34</a><br />
+<br />
+Grantham, Mr. Justice, <a href="#Page_58">58</a><br />
+<br />
+Guildford, Lord, <a href="#Page_68">68</a><br />
+<br />
+Guthrie, Lord, <a href="#Page_193">193</a><br />
+<br />
+<br />
+Hailes, Lord, <a href="#Page_156">156</a><br />
+<br />
+Halkerston, Lord, <a href="#Page_163">163</a><br />
+<br />
+Halligan, Denis, <a href="#Page_113">113</a>, <a href="#Page_114">114</a><br />
+<br />
+Hardwicke, Lord, <a href="#Page_8">8</a><br />
+<br />
+Harper, Sheriff, <a href="#Page_206">206</a><br />
+<br />
+Harris, Billy, <a href="#Page_111">111</a><br />
+<br />
+Hatton, Lord Chancellor, <a href="#Page_5">5</a><br />
+<br />
+Haweis, Rev. H. R., <a href="#Page_223">223</a><br />
+<br />
+Hawkins, Sir Henry (Lord Brampton), <a href="#Page_54">54-57</a><br />
+<br />
+Hayward, Mr., <a href="#Page_132">132</a><br />
+<br />
+Healy, Tim, <a href="#Page_146">146</a>, <a href="#Page_147">147</a><br />
+<br />
+Henderson, Sir John, <a href="#Page_161">161</a><br />
+<br />
+Henn, Chief Baron, <a href="#Page_111">111</a><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Jonathan, <a href="#Page_111">111</a>, <a href="#Page_112">112</a></span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">William, Judge, <a href="#Page_111">111</a></span><br />
+<br />
+Henry VIII, <a href="#Page_4">4</a><br />
+<br />
+Henry, Patrick, <a href="#Page_224">224</a><br />
+<br />
+Hermand, Lord, <a href="#Page_165">165</a>, <a href="#Page_174">174</a>, <a href="#Page_176">176</a>, <a href="#Page_179">179-181</a><br />
+<br />
+Herrick, Mr., <a href="#Page_141">141</a><br />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_257" id="Page_257">[Pg 257]</a></span><br />
+Hill, Serjeant, <a href="#Page_69">69</a>, <a href="#Page_70">70</a><br />
+<br />
+Holmes, Mr., <a href="#Page_138">138</a><br />
+<br />
+Holroyd, Chief Justice, <a href="#Page_38">38</a><br />
+<br />
+Holt, Lord Justice, <a href="#Page_37">37</a><br />
+<br />
+Hook, John, <a href="#Page_224">224</a><br />
+<br />
+Horne, Mr., Dean of Faculty, <a href="#Page_193">193</a><br />
+<br />
+Horner, Mr., <a href="#Page_183">183</a><br />
+<br />
+Hyde, Edward (Lord Campden), <a href="#Page_7">7</a><br />
+<br />
+<br />
+Jackson, Sheriff Officer, <a href="#Page_116">116</a><br />
+<br />
+James, Edwin, <a href="#Page_85">85</a>, <a href="#Page_86">86</a><br />
+<br />
+James V, <a href="#Page_153">153</a><br />
+<br />
+Jeffrey, Lord, <a href="#Page_172">172</a>, <a href="#Page_187">187</a><br />
+<br />
+Jeffreys, Judge, <a href="#Page_7">7</a><br />
+<br />
+Jekyll, Serjeant, <a href="#Page_79">79</a>, <a href="#Page_80">80</a><br />
+<br />
+<br />
+Kames, Lord, <a href="#Page_5">5</a>, <a href="#Page_156">156</a>, <a href="#Page_165">165</a>, <a href="#Page_166">166</a><br />
+<br />
+Keating, Mr. Justice, <a href="#Page_61">61</a>, <a href="#Page_68">68</a><br />
+<br />
+Keller, Jerry, <a href="#Page_139">139</a><br />
+<br />
+Kennedy, Mrs., <a href="#Page_52">52</a><br />
+<br />
+Kennet, Lord, <a href="#Page_158">158</a><br />
+<br />
+Kenyon, Lord, <a href="#Page_10">10-12</a>, <a href="#Page_22">22-24</a><br />
+<br />
+Kilkerran, Lord, <a href="#Page_163">163</a><br />
+<br />
+Kingston, Duchess of, <a href="#Page_13">13</a><br />
+<br />
+Knight-Bruce, Lord Justice, <a href="#Page_47">47</a>, <a href="#Page_48">48</a><br />
+<br />
+<br />
+Labron, John, <a href="#Page_39">39</a><br />
+<br />
+Landseer, Sir Edwin, <a href="#Page_81">81</a><br />
+<br />
+Lawrence, Sir Thomas, <a href="#Page_85">85</a><br />
+<br />
+Lawson, Mr. Justice, <a href="#Page_123">123</a><br />
+<br />
+Lee, Jack, <a href="#Page_77">77</a><br />
+<br />
+Leeds, Duke of, <a href="#Page_46">46</a><br />
+<br />
+Lees, Richard, <a href="#Page_206">206</a><br />
+<br />
+Lifford, Lord Chancellor, <a href="#Page_110">110</a><br />
+<br />
+Lockwood, Sir Frank, <a href="#Page_89">89</a>, <a href="#Page_92">92</a><br />
+<br />
+Logan, Sheriff, <a href="#Page_206">206</a><br />
+<br />
+Lysaght, Edward, 136, <a href="#Page_137">137</a><br />
+<br />
+<br />
+M'Cormick, Samuel, <a href="#Page_175">175</a><br />
+<br />
+Macdonald, Chief Baron, <a href="#Page_34">34</a><br />
+<br />
+Macklin, Actor, <a href="#Page_128">128</a><br />
+<br />
+Maclaren, Lord, <a href="#Page_194">194</a><br />
+<br />
+MacMahon, Serjeant, <a href="#Page_145">145</a><br />
+<br />
+Mahaffy, Ninian, <a href="#Page_140">140</a>, <a href="#Page_141">141</a><br />
+<br />
+Mair, Ludovick, <a href="#Page_208">208</a><br />
+<br />
+Maloney, Mr., <a href="#Page_130">130</a><br />
+<br />
+Manners, Lord Chancellor, <a href="#Page_141">141</a><br />
+<br />
+Mansfield, Earl of, <a href="#Page_14">14-16</a>, <a href="#Page_74">74</a>, <a href="#Page_205">205</a><br />
+<br />
+Margarot, <a href="#Page_183">183</a><br />
+<br />
+Martin, Baron, <a href="#Page_44">44</a>, <a href="#Page_45">45</a>, <a href="#Page_81">81</a><br />
+<br />
+Maule, Mr. Justice, <a href="#Page_31">31-34</a><br />
+<br />
+Meadowbank, Lord (first), <a href="#Page_159">159</a><br />
+<br />
+Meadowbank, Lord (second), <a href="#Page_164">164</a>, <a href="#Page_169">169</a>, <a href="#Page_179">179</a><br />
+<br />
+Mellor, Mr., <a href="#Page_91">91</a>, <a href="#Page_92">92</a><br />
+<br />
+Miller, Sir Thomas, <a href="#Page_157">157</a><br />
+<br />
+Millicent, Sir John, <a href="#Page_6">6</a><br />
+<br />
+Milton, Lord, <a href="#Page_159">159</a><br />
+<br />
+Missing, Serjeant, <a href="#Page_75">75</a><br />
+<br />
+Mitchell, John, <a href="#Page_112">112</a><br />
+<br />
+Monboddo, Lord, <a href="#Page_153">153</a>, <a href="#Page_157">157</a><br />
+<br />
+Moncreiff, Lord, <a href="#Page_175">175</a>, <a href="#Page_183">183</a>, <a href="#Page_184">184</a><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Rev. Sir Henry Wellwood, <a href="#Page_175">175</a></span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Lord Justice-Clerk, <a href="#Page_211">211</a></span><br />
+<br />
+Moore, Frankfort, <a href="#Page_123">123</a><br />
+<br />
+Moore, Judge, <a href="#Page_112">112</a><br />
+<br />
+More, Sir Thomas, <a href="#Page_4">4</a>, <a href="#Page_5">5</a><br />
+<br />
+Muir, Mr., <a href="#Page_82">82</a><br />
+<br />
+Murphy, Mr., gaoler, <a href="#Page_117">117</a><br />
+<br />
+<br />
+Nagle, Mr., <a href="#Page_127">127</a><br />
+<br />
+Nangle, Mr., <a href="#Page_107">107</a>, <a href="#Page_108">108</a>, <a href="#Page_109">109</a><br />
+<br />
+Nares, Mr. Justice, <a href="#Page_27">27</a><br />
+<br />
+Newhall, Lord, <a href="#Page_160">160</a><br />
+<br />
+Newton, Lord, <a href="#Page_171">171-173</a><br />
+<br />
+Norbury, Lord, <a href="#Page_114">114-117</a>, <a href="#Page_132">132</a>, <a href="#Page_133">133</a>, <a href="#Page_145">145</a><br />
+<br />
+Norfolk, Duke of, <a href="#Page_19">19</a><br />
+<br />
+<br />
+O'Connell, Daniel, <a href="#Page_117">117</a>, <a href="#Page_141">141-144</a><br />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_258" id="Page_258">[Pg 258]</a></span><br />
+O'Flanagan, F. R., <a href="#Page_107">107</a>, <a href="#Page_137">137</a><br />
+<br />
+O'Gorman, Mr., <a href="#Page_139">139</a>, <a href="#Page_140">140</a><br />
+<br />
+O'Grady, Chief Baron, <a href="#Page_117">117-119</a><br />
+<br />
+Orton, Arthur, <a href="#Page_55">55</a><br />
+<br />
+Oswald, Francis, <a href="#Page_95">95</a>, <a href="#Page_96">96</a><br />
+<br />
+<br />
+Page, Mr. Justice, <a href="#Page_22">22</a><br />
+<br />
+Parker, Chief Baron, <a href="#Page_15">15</a><br />
+<br />
+Parry, Serjeant, <a href="#Page_93">93</a>, <a href="#Page_101">101</a><br />
+<br />
+Parsons, Chief Justice, <a href="#Page_223">223</a>, <a href="#Page_224">224</a><br />
+<br />
+Parsons, Commissioner, <a href="#Page_144">144</a>, <a href="#Page_145">145</a><br />
+<br />
+Patteson, Mr. Justice, <a href="#Page_61">61</a><br />
+<br />
+Peat, Mr., <a href="#Page_80">80</a><br />
+<br />
+Petigru, Mr., <a href="#Page_231">231</a><br />
+<br />
+Phillimore, Sir Walter, <a href="#Page_57">57</a><br />
+<br />
+Phillips, Charles, <a href="#Page_54">54</a><br />
+<br />
+Phillips, <a href="#Page_123">123</a>, <a href="#Page_128">128</a><br />
+<br />
+Phipps, Lord Chancellor, <a href="#Page_107">107</a><br />
+<br />
+Pigot, Chief Baron, <a href="#Page_141">141</a><br />
+<br />
+Pinckney, Judge W. M., <a href="#Page_230">230</a><br />
+<br />
+Pitfour, Lord, <a href="#Page_158">158</a><br />
+<br />
+Pitmilly, Lord, <a href="#Page_174">174</a><br />
+<br />
+Plowden, Mr., <a href="#Page_55">55</a><br />
+<br />
+Plunket, Lord, <a href="#Page_122">122</a>, <a href="#Page_123">123</a>, <a href="#Page_138">138</a><br />
+<br />
+Polkemmet, Lord, <a href="#Page_155">155</a>, <a href="#Page_163">163</a>, <a href="#Page_164">164</a><br />
+<br />
+Powis, Mr. Justice, <a href="#Page_8">8</a><br />
+<br />
+Pratt, Sir John, Lord Justice, <a href="#Page_9">9</a><br />
+<br />
+Prime, Serjeant, <a href="#Page_26">26</a>, <a href="#Page_72">72</a><br />
+<br />
+Pritchard, Mary, <a href="#Page_77">77</a><br />
+<br />
+Pyne, Chief Justice, <a href="#Page_107">107</a>, <a href="#Page_108">108</a><br />
+<br />
+<br />
+Queensberry, Duke of, <a href="#Page_29">29</a><br />
+<br />
+<br />
+Raine, Mr., <a href="#Page_100">100</a><br />
+<br />
+Redsdale, Lord Chancellor, <a href="#Page_140">140</a><br />
+<br />
+Reid, David, <a href="#Page_159">159</a>, <a href="#Page_160">160</a><br />
+<br />
+Ribton, Mr., Q.C., <a href="#Page_50">50</a><br />
+<br />
+Robertson, Patrick, Lord, <a href="#Page_188">188</a><br />
+<br />
+Roche, Sir Boyle, <a href="#Page_133">133</a><br />
+<br />
+Rodgers, Judge K., <a href="#Page_241">241</a>, <a href="#Page_247">247</a><br />
+<br />
+Romilly, Lord, <a href="#Page_89">89</a><br />
+<br />
+Rose, Sir George, <a href="#Page_18">18</a><br />
+<br />
+Ross, Charles, <a href="#Page_159">159</a><br />
+<br />
+Russell, Lord John, <a href="#Page_42">42</a><br />
+<br />
+Russell, Lord, of Killowen, <a href="#Page_51">51</a><br />
+<br />
+Rutherford, Lord, <a href="#Page_189">189</a><br />
+<br />
+Rutland, Earl of, <a href="#Page_4">4</a><br />
+<br />
+Ryder, Chief Justice, <a href="#Page_9">9</a><br />
+<br />
+<br />
+Scarlett, Miss, <a href="#Page_43">43</a><br />
+<br />
+Scott, James, Q.C., <a href="#Page_137">137</a><br />
+<br />
+Scott, Sir Walter, <a href="#Page_160">160</a>, <a href="#Page_199">199</a>, <a href="#Page_219">219</a><br />
+<br />
+Shaftesbury, Lord, <a href="#Page_6">6</a><br />
+<br />
+Shand, Lord, <a href="#Page_190">190</a>, <a href="#Page_191">191</a>, <a href="#Page_193">193</a><br />
+<br />
+Shee, Mr., Q.C., <a href="#Page_51">51</a><br />
+<br />
+Sinclair, Sir John, <a href="#Page_30">30</a><br />
+<br />
+Sleigh, Warner, <a href="#Page_83">83</a><br />
+<br />
+Smith, Judge A., <a href="#Page_241">241</a><br />
+<br />
+Smith, F. E., <a href="#Page_95">95</a><br />
+<br />
+Speer, Judge Emery, <a href="#Page_229">229</a><br />
+<br />
+Stanley, Lord, <a href="#Page_41">41</a><br />
+<br />
+Stonefield, Lord, <a href="#Page_157">157</a>, <a href="#Page_185">185</a><br />
+<br />
+Strichen, Lord, <a href="#Page_156">156</a><br />
+<br />
+Sugden, Sir Edward, <a href="#Page_39">39</a><br />
+<br />
+Sullivan, Mr., <a href="#Page_223">223</a><br />
+<br />
+Sumner, Mr., <a href="#Page_234">234</a><br />
+<br />
+Swinton, Lord, <a href="#Page_200">200</a><br />
+<br />
+<br />
+Taylor, Senator, <a href="#Page_230">230</a><br />
+<br />
+Tenterden, Lord, <a href="#Page_25">25</a><br />
+<br />
+Thomas, Serjeant, <a href="#Page_73">73</a><br />
+<br />
+Thomson, Baron, <a href="#Page_34">34</a><br />
+<br />
+Thorpe, W. G., <a href="#Page_86">86</a><br />
+<br />
+Thurlow, Lord, <a href="#Page_10">10-13</a>, <a href="#Page_19">19</a>, <a href="#Page_20">20</a><br />
+<br />
+Townshend, Lord, <a href="#Page_110">110</a><br />
+<br />
+Tunstal, Dr., <a href="#Page_77">77</a><br />
+<br />
+<br />
+Warren, Samuel, <a href="#Page_46">46</a>, <a href="#Page_83">83</a><br />
+<br />
+Wauchope, Mr., of Niddrie, <a href="#Page_186">186</a><br />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_259" id="Page_259">[Pg 259]</a></span><br />
+Webster, Daniel, <a href="#Page_227">227</a>, <a href="#Page_228">228</a><br />
+<br />
+Wedderburn, Alexander (Lord Roslin), <a href="#Page_7">7</a><br />
+<br />
+Weldon, Mrs., <a href="#Page_54">54</a><br />
+<br />
+Weller, Mr., <a href="#Page_107">107</a>, <a href="#Page_108">108</a><br />
+<br />
+Westbury, Lord, <a href="#Page_34">34</a>, <a href="#Page_35">35</a>, <a href="#Page_47">47</a><br />
+<br />
+Wharton, Mr., <a href="#Page_94">94</a><br />
+<br />
+Whigham, Mr., <a href="#Page_79">79</a><br />
+<br />
+Wight, Alexander, <a href="#Page_155">155</a><br />
+<br />
+Wightman, Mr. Justice, <a href="#Page_50">50</a><br />
+<br />
+Wilkins, Serjeant, <a href="#Page_6">6</a>, <a href="#Page_72">72</a>, <a href="#Page_73">73</a><br />
+<br />
+Willes, Mr. Justice, <a href="#Page_21">21</a>, <a href="#Page_49">49</a>, <a href="#Page_78">78</a><br />
+<br />
+Williams, Montague, <a href="#Page_49">49</a>, <a href="#Page_88">88</a><br />
+<br />
+Wills, Mr. Justice, <a href="#Page_38">38</a><br />
+<br />
+Wirt, William, <a href="#Page_227">227</a>, <a href="#Page_228">228</a><br />
+<br />
+<br />
+Yorke, Edward (Lord Hardewicke), <a href="#Page_8">8</a><br />
+<br />
+Young, Lord, <a href="#Page_191">191-193</a><br />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_260" id="Page_260">[Pg 260]</a></span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="SOME_SCOTTISH_BOOKS" id="SOME_SCOTTISH_BOOKS"></a>SOME SCOTTISH BOOKS</h2>
+
+
+<p><b>BOOK of EDINBURGH ANECDOTE</b></p>
+
+<p>By <span class="smcap">Francis Watt</span>. The stories in "The Book of Edinburgh
+Anecdote," good in themselves, illustrate in an interesting way
+bygone times. The heroics and the follies, the greatness and the
+littleness, the wit and humour of famous or even infamous citizens
+are presented in a lively manner. Even to those who know
+much about Edinburgh much will be fresh, for the material has
+been gathered from many and various, and not seldom obscure,
+sources. With thirty-two portraits in collotype and frontispiece in
+colour. 312 pp. Buckram, 5/- net; Leather, 7/6 net.</p>
+
+
+<p><b>BOOK of GLASGOW ANECDOTE</b></p>
+
+<p>By <span class="smcap">D. Macleod Malloch</span>. This book is a storehouse of information
+regarding Glasgow, and is full of interesting and amusing
+stories of Church, University, medical, legal, municipal, and commercial
+life. No such collection of Glasgow anecdotes has hitherto
+appeared in any single volume; and their interest is such that this
+book should appeal not only to Glasgow people, but also to all who
+can appreciate good stories of professional and commercial life,
+and stories illustrative of Scottish character. With frontispiece in
+colour and thirty-five portraits in collotype. 400 pp. Buckram,
+5/- net; Leather, 7/6 net.</p>
+
+
+<p><b>MARY QUEEN OF SCOTS</b></p>
+
+<p>By <span class="smcap">Hilda T. Skae</span>. This volume contains a compact account of
+the life of one of the most romantic figures in Scottish history. It
+contains sixteen illustrations in colour besides many portraits, and
+merely to turn them over is to gain a more living and reliable idea
+of the course of her tragic life, and of the characters of those who surrounded
+her, than the most careful of historical descriptions. The
+very actors and actresses move before the reader's eyes; and their
+stories, ceasing to be distant traditions, are seen to concern the
+movements, hesitations, half-hopes, and human impulses of people
+strangely like ourselves. 224 pp. Buckram, 5/- net; Velvet
+Persian, 7/6 net.</p>
+
+
+<p><b>R. L. STEVENSON: MEMORIES</b></p>
+
+<p>Being twenty-five illustrations, reproduced from photographs, of
+Robert Louis Stevenson, his homes and his haunts, many of these
+reproduced for the first time. A booklet for every Stevenson lover.
+In Japon vellum covers, 1/- net; bound in Japanese vellum, with
+illustrations mounted, 2/6 net.</p>
+
+
+<h4>T&middot;N&middot;FOULIS&middot;PUBLISHER</h4>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_261" id="Page_261">[Pg 261]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="BOOKS_TO_ENTERTAIN" id="BOOKS_TO_ENTERTAIN"></a>BOOKS TO ENTERTAIN</h2>
+
+
+<p><b>THE LIGHTER SIDE OF IRISH LIFE</b></p>
+
+<p>By <span class="smcap">George A. Birmingham</span>. Its title suggests unbridled jocularity&mdash;and
+it is in fact full of inimitable fun; but there is a basis of
+solid thought and sympathy to all the mirth. While replenishing
+the common stock of Irish stories, Mr Birmingham adjusts our conception
+of the race. Mr Kerr's sixteen illustrations in colour form
+a gallery of genre studies, sympathetic and yet sincere, that allows
+us to look with our own eyes upon Ireland as she really is to-day.
+288 pp. Buckram, 5/- net. Velvet Persian, 7/6 net.</p>
+
+
+<p><b>IRISH LIFE &amp; CHARACTER</b></p>
+
+<p>By Mrs <span class="smcap">S. C. Hall</span>. "Tales of Irish Life" will remind the reader
+more of Lever or Sam Lover than of "Lavengro." It is effervescent
+and audacious, ringing with all the fun of the fair, and spiced with
+the constant presence of a vivacious and irresistible personality.
+The sixteen illustrations by Erskine Nicol are in precisely the same
+vein, matching Mrs Hall's sketches so manifestly that it is strange
+they have never been united before. To look at them is to laugh.
+330 pp. Buckram, 5/- net. Velvet Persian, 7/6 net.</p>
+
+
+<p><b>LORD COCKBURN'S MEMORIALS</b></p>
+
+<p>"This volume," says <i>The Saturday Review</i>, "is one of the most
+entertaining books a reader could lay his hands on." "The book,"
+says <i>The Edinburgh Review</i>, "is one of the pleasantest fireside
+volumes that has ever been published." Cockburn's pen could tell
+a tale as well as his tongue, and to read this book is to sit, unobserved,
+at that immortal Round Table, with anecdote and reminiscence
+in full tide. With twelve portraits in colour by Sir Henry
+Raeburn, and other illustrations. Extra Crown 8vo. 480 pp.
+Buckram, 6/- net.</p>
+
+
+<p><b>AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF CARLYLE OF INVERESK (1722-1805)</b></p>
+
+<p>Edited by <span class="smcap">J. Hill Burton</span>. "He
+was the grandest demi-god I ever saw," wrote Sir Walter Scott
+of the author of this book. But, as these Memoirs show, he was a
+demi-god with a very human heart,&mdash;or, at any rate, a "divine"
+with a thorough knowledge of the world. It was probably these
+qualities that made him such a prominent figure in his day, and it is
+certainly these that give his Recollections their unique importance
+and raciness. They provide "by far the most vivid picture of Scottish
+life and manners that has been given to the world since Scott's
+day." This edition has been equipped with a series of thirty-six
+portraits reproduced in photogravure of the chief personages who
+move in its pages. 612 pp. Buckram, 6/- net.</p>
+
+
+<h4>T&middot;N&middot;FOULIS&middot;PUBLISHER</h4>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_262" id="Page_262">[Pg 262]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="SOME_ENGLISH_BOOKS" id="SOME_ENGLISH_BOOKS"></a>SOME ENGLISH BOOKS</h2>
+
+
+<p><b>THE ENGLISH CHARACTER</b></p>
+
+<p>By <span class="smcap">Spencer Leigh Hughes</span>, M.P., <i>Sub-Rosa</i> of the <i>Daily News
+and Leader</i>. Although his pen has probably covered more pages
+than Balzac's, this is the first time <i>Sub-Rosa</i> has really "turned author."
+The charm and penetration of the result suggest that his
+readers will never allow him to turn back again. He is a born
+essayist, but he has, in addition, the breadth and generosity that
+journalism alone can give a man. The combination gives a kind of
+golden gossip&mdash;criticism without acrimony, fooling without folly.
+The work contains sixteen pictures in colour of English types by
+Frederick Gardner. 300 pp. Buckram, 5/- net. Leather, 7/6 net.</p>
+
+
+<p><b>ENGLISH COUNTRY LIFE</b></p>
+
+<p>By <span class="smcap">Walter Raymond</span>. Mr Raymond is our modern Gilbert
+White; and many of the chapters have a thread of whimsical
+drama and delicious humour which will remind the reader of "The
+Window in Thrums." It is a book of happiness and peace. It is as
+fragrant as lavender or new-mown hay, and as wholesome as curds
+and cream. With sixteen illustrations in colour by Wilfrid Ball, R. E.
+462 pp. Buckram, 5/- net. Leather, 7/6 net.</p>
+
+
+<p><b>ENGLISH LIFE &amp; CHARACTER</b></p>
+
+<p>By <span class="smcap">Mary Mitford</span>. Done with a delicate Dutch fidelity, these
+little prose pastorals of Miss Mitford's would live were they purely
+imaginary&mdash;so perfect is their finish, so tender and joyous their
+touch. But they have, in addition, the virtue of being entirely
+faithful pictures of English village life as it was at the time they
+were written. With sixteen illustrations in colour by Stanhope
+Forbes, R.A. 350 pp. Buckram, 5/- net. Leather, 7/6 net.</p>
+
+
+<p><b>THE RIVER OF LONDON</b></p>
+
+<p>By <span class="smcap">Hilaire Belloc</span>. Everybody who has read the "Path to
+Rome" will learn with gladness that Mr Hilaire Belloc has written
+another book in the same sunny temper, dealing with the oldest
+highway in Britain. It is a subject that brings into play all those
+high faculties which make Mr Belloc the most genuine man of
+letters now alive. The record of the journey makes one of the most
+exhilarating books of our time, and the series of Mr Muirhead's
+sixteen pictures painted for this book sets the glittering river itself
+flowing swiftly past before the eye. 200 pp. Buckram, 5/- net.
+Leather, 7/6 net.</p>
+
+
+<h4>T&middot;N&middot;FOULIS&middot;PUBLISHER</h4>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_263" id="Page_263">[Pg 263]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="SOME_LITERARY_BOOKS" id="SOME_LITERARY_BOOKS"></a>SOME LITERARY BOOKS</h2>
+
+
+<p><b>THE DICKENS ORIGINALS</b></p>
+
+<p>By <span class="smcap">Edwin Pugh</span>. A very large proportion of Dickens' characters
+had their living prototypes among his contemporaries and acquaintances.
+In this book the author has traced these prototypes, has
+made original researches resulting in the discovery of several new
+and hitherto unsuspected identities, and has given particulars of
+all of them. With thirty portraits of "originals." Extra Cr. 8vo,
+400 pp. 6/- net. A book for every Dickens lover.</p>
+
+
+<p><b>THE R. L. STEVENSON ORIGINALS</b></p>
+
+<p>By <span class="smcap">E. Blantyre Simpson</span>. The author has an unequalled knowledge
+of the fortunate Edinburgh circle who knew their R.L.S. long
+before the rest of the world; and she has been enabled to collect a
+volume of fresh <i>Stevensoniana</i>, of unrecorded adventures and personal
+reminiscences, which will prove inestimably precious to all
+lovers of the man and his work. The illustrations are of peculiar importance
+as the publisher has been privileged to reproduce a series
+of portraits and pictures of the rarest interest to accompany the text.
+Four portraits in colour, twenty-five in collotype and several letters
+in facsimile. Extra Cr. 8vo, 260 pp. Buckram, 6/- net.</p>
+
+
+<p><b>THE SCOTT ORIGINALS</b></p>
+
+<p>By <span class="smcap">W. S. Crockett</span>. The actual drovers and dominies, ladies
+and lairds, whom Sir Walter used as his models, figure here, living
+their own richly characteristic and romantic lives with unabated
+picturesqueness. Mr Crockett's identifications are all based on
+strict evidence, the result is that we are given a kind of flowing
+sequel to the novels, containing situations, dialogues, anecdotes,
+and adventures not included in the books. The forty-four illustrations
+comprise many contemporary portraits, including Baron
+Bradwardine, Pleydell, Davie Gellatley, Hugh Redgauntlet, Dugald
+Dalgetty, and others. 448 pp. Buckram, 6/- net.</p>
+
+
+<p><b>THE FOOTSTEPS OF SCOTT</b></p>
+
+<p>By <span class="smcap">W. S. Crockett</span>. Now that Mr Andrew Lang has left us, Mr
+Crockett has probably no equal in his knowledge of the Border
+country and its literature, or in his affectionate acquaintance with
+the life of Sir Walter. The illustrations are from water-colours
+specially painted by Tom Scott, R.S.A. They show his art at its
+best. 230 pp. Buckram, 3/6 net.</p>
+
+
+<h4>T&middot;N&middot;FOULIS&middot;PUBLISHER</h4>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_264" id="Page_264">[Pg 264]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="SOME_SCOTTISH_BOOKS_2" id="SOME_SCOTTISH_BOOKS_2"></a>SOME SCOTTISH BOOKS</h2>
+
+
+<p><b>THE KIRK &amp; ITS WORTHIES</b></p>
+
+<p>By <span class="smcap">Nicholas Dickson</span> and <span class="smcap">D. Macleod Malloch</span>. Our Scottish
+kirk has a great reputation for dourness&mdash;but it has probably
+kindled more humour than it ever quenched. The pulpits have
+inevitably been filled by a race of men disproportionately rich in
+"characters," originals, worthies with a gift for pungent expression
+and every opportunity for developing it. There is a fund of
+good stories here which forms a worthy sequel to Dean Ramsay's
+Reminiscences and a living history of an old-world life. The illustrations
+consist of sixteen reproductions in colour of paintings by
+eminent Scottish artists. The frontispiece is the famous painting
+"The Ordination of Elders." 340 pp. Buckram, 5/- net;
+Leather, 7/6 net.</p>
+
+
+<p><b>SCOTTISH LIFE &amp; CHARACTER</b></p>
+
+<p>By <span class="smcap">Dean Ramsay</span>. The Reminiscences of Dean Ramsay are a kind
+of literary haggis; and no dish better deserves to be worthily served
+up. "Next to the Waverley Novels," says a chief authority, "it has
+done more than any other book to make Scottish customs, phrases,
+and traits of character familiar to Englishmen at home and abroad."
+Mr Henry W. Kerr's illustrations provide a fitting crown to the
+feast. These pictures of characteristic Scottish scenes and Scottish
+faces give colour to the pen-and-ink descriptions, and bring out the
+full flavour of the text. 390 pp. Buckram, 5/- net; Leather, 7/6 net.</p>
+
+
+<p><b>ANNALS OF THE PARISH</b></p>
+
+<p>By <span class="smcap">John Galt</span>. The dry humour and whimsical sweetness of John
+Galt's masterpiece need no description at this time of day&mdash;it is one
+of those books, full of "the birr and sneddum that is the juice and
+flavour" of life itself, which, like good wines, are the better for long
+keeping. It was the first "kail-yard" to be planted in Scottish
+letters, and it is still the most fertile. The volume contains sixteen
+of Mr Kerr's water-colours, reproduced in colour. 316 pp.
+Buckram, 5/- net; Leather, 7/6 net.</p>
+
+
+<p><b>MANSIE WAUCH</b></p>
+
+<p>By <span class="smcap">D. M. Moir</span>. This edition of the book, which has been designed
+as a companion volume to "The Annals," contains sixteen illustrations
+in colour by C. Martin Hardie, R.S.A. Moir was one of
+John Galt's chief friends, and, like a good comrade, he brought out
+a rival book. Its native blitheness and its racy use of the vernacular
+will always keep it alive. 360 pp. Buckram, 5/- net;
+Velvet Persian, 7/6 net.</p>
+
+
+<h4>T&middot;N&middot;FOULIS&middot;PUBLISHER</h4>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_265" id="Page_265">[Pg 265]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="PRESENTATION_VOLUMES" id="PRESENTATION_VOLUMES"></a>PRESENTATION VOLUMES</h2>
+
+
+<p><b>THE MASTER MUSICIANS</b></p>
+
+<p>By <span class="smcap">J. Cuthbert Hadden</span>. A book for players, singers, and
+listeners, and although the work of an enthusiastic and discerning
+musician, it deals with the men rather than their compositions.
+There is an abundance of good anecdote, and personal foibles are
+not bowdlerised; but the author's taste is perfect and his attitude is
+frankly one of human sympathy. With fifteen illustrations. 320 pp.
+Buckram, 3/6 net. Velvet Persian and boxed, 5/- net.</p>
+
+
+<p><b>THE MASTER PAINTERS</b></p>
+
+<p>By <span class="smcap">Stewart Dick</span>. Mr Dick's book is an attempt to compress the
+cardinal facts and episodes in the lives of the world's greatest painters
+into a series of swift dramatic chapters. The lives of the world's
+great artists are often more picturesque than their pictures. With
+many illustrations. 270 pp. Buckram, 3/6 net. Velvet
+Persian and boxed, 5/- net.</p>
+
+
+<p><b>ARTS &amp; CRAFTS OF OLD JAPAN</b></p>
+
+<p>By <span class="smcap">Stewart Dick</span>. "We know of no book," says <i>The Literary
+World</i>, "that within such modest limits contrives to convey so
+much trustworthy information on Japanese art." The author and
+publisher have had the generous co-operation of many famous collectors,
+and the thirty illustrations include many exquisite reproductions
+of some of the most perfect kakemonos in Europe.
+Buckram, 5/- net.</p>
+
+
+<p><b>ARTS &amp; CRAFTS OF ANCIENT EGYPT</b></p>
+
+<p>By Professor <span class="smcap">W. M. Flinders Petrie</span>. Containing one hundred
+and forty illustrations. Small quarto. 228 pp. Buckram, 5/- net.
+<i>Second edition</i>. "We cannot speak too highly of the book, so full
+and so conveniently displayed is the knowledge which it contains."
+<i>Westminster Gazette.</i></p>
+
+
+<p><b>THE WILD FLOWERS</b></p>
+
+<p>By <span class="smcap">J. L. Crawford</span>. This book forms a guide to the commoner
+wild flowers of the countryside. It treats flowers as living things.
+Its special charm resides in its sixteen illustrations, in colour, of
+some of the most delicate flower-studies ever painted by Mr Edwin
+Alexander: whose work in this kind is famous throughout Europe.
+282 pp. Buckram, 5/- net; Velvet Persian, 7/6 net.</p>
+
+
+<h4>T&middot;N&middot;FOULIS&middot;PUBLISHER</h4>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_266" id="Page_266">[Pg 266]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="VOLUMES_OF_POEMS" id="VOLUMES_OF_POEMS"></a>VOLUMES OF POEMS</h2>
+
+
+<p><b>SONGS OF THE WORLD</b></p>
+
+<p>As arranged in the volume The Songs of Lady Nairne form a precious
+anthology of old favourites, a souvenir rich in special associations.
+The Foulis <i>Fergusson</i> is illustrated in a new, and, it is
+thought, a welcome way. The result is a volume of rare completeness,
+with every detail as perfect and appropriate as careful thought
+could achieve. The cream of Hogg's poetry is in the third volume,
+which will appeal to all who are in search of a beautiful edition of
+the work of Scotland's famous peasant-poet. Each has illustrations
+in colour by well-known artists. In Boards, 2/6 net;
+Velvet Persian, 3/6 net.</p>
+
+
+<p style="margin-left: 2em;">1. SONGS OF LADY NAIRNE<br />
+2. THE SCOTS POEMS OF ROBERT FERGUSSON<br />
+3. SONGS &amp; POEMS OF THE ETTRICK SHEPHERD<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<p><b>SONGS &amp; POEMS OF BURNS</b></p>
+
+<p>Complete edition, with introductory appreciation by The Earl of
+Rosebery. This edition is one of the most beautiful books ever produced
+in Scotland. It is printed on antique paper of special quality,
+with rubricated initials and spacious margins. The forty-six illustrations
+in colour are unique in their scope, being the work exclusively
+of the foremost Scottish artists. Readers, therefore, when
+they read the poems here will be enabled to see the characters
+created in words by one dreamer, taking graphic shape and form, in
+colour and line, in the responsive vision of another. The binding of
+the book is russet Scottish buckram; and it is specially worthy of
+notice in this instance that every detail is the work of Scottish
+craftsmen. Quarto, 660 pp. Printed in fine Rag paper, and bound
+in buckram, 10/6 net. Bound in the finest Vellum, 21/- net.</p>
+
+
+<p><b>POEMS OF ADAM LINDSAY GORDON</b></p>
+
+<p>Adam Lindsay Gordon is generally called the Byron of Australia.
+But he played far more parts than Byron, and crowded more genuine
+romance into his tragic life than even the sixth Baron of
+Rochdale. In "The Sick Stock Rider" he reproduces the colonial
+bush as keenly as Kipling reproduces India. His "How we Beat
+the Favourite" is the finest ballad of the turf in the language. He
+is, above everything, the sportsman's poet. This edition contains
+twelve stirring illustrations in colour by Captain G. D. Giles. 336
+pages. Buckram, 5/- net. Bound in Velvet Persian, 7/6 net.</p>
+
+
+<h4>T&middot;N&middot;FOULIS&middot;PUBLISHER</h4>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_267" id="Page_267">[Pg 267]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="PRESENTATION_VOLUMES_2" id="PRESENTATION_VOLUMES_2"></a>PRESENTATION VOLUMES</h2>
+
+
+<p style="font-weight: bold;">FRIENDSHIP BOOKS</p>
+
+<p>Printed in two colours, and in attractive bindings, 2/6 net;
+bound in finest Velvet Persian, 3/6 net.</p>
+
+<p>Half-crown volumes designed specially to meet the requirements
+of book-lovers in search of appropriate yet distinctive souvenirs.
+Each volume has its own individuality in coloured illustrations and
+the effect is aristocratic and exclusive.</p>
+
+<p>
+RUB&Aacute;IY&Aacute;T OF OMAR KHAYY&Aacute;M<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">With eight illustrations in colour by <span class="smcap">F. Brangwyn</span>, R.A.</span><br />
+<br />
+THE GIFT OF FRIENDSHIP<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Illustrations in colour by <span class="smcap">H. C. Preston Macgoun</span>. 270 pp.</span><br />
+<br />
+THE DREAM OF GERONTIUS<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">By <span class="smcap">Cardinal Newman</span>. Illustrations by <span class="smcap">R. T. Rose</span>.</span><br />
+<br />
+THE GIFT OF LOVE<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">The noblest passages in literature dealing with love. 156 pp.</span><br />
+<br />
+SAPPHO, QUEEN OF SONG<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">A selection from her love poems by <span class="smcap">J. R. Tutin</span>.</span><br />
+<br />
+AUCASSIN &amp; NICOLETTE<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">With introduction by <span class="smcap">F. W. Bourdillon</span>.</span><br />
+<br />
+THE CHARM OF LIFE<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">With illustrations by <span class="smcap">Frederick Gardner</span>.</span><br />
+<br />
+THE BOOK OF GOOD FRIENDSHIP<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">With illus. by <span class="smcap">H. C. Preston Macgoun</span>, R.S.W. 132 pp.</span><br /><br />
+</p>
+
+
+<p><b>THE GARDEN LOVER'S BOOKS</b></p>
+
+<p>Printed in two colours, and in attractive bindings, 2/6 net; bound
+in finest Velvet Persian, 3/6 net. The appearance of these books
+alone confers distinction; ungrudging care has been lavished on their
+production from the choice of type to the colour of the silk markers.
+They make ideal gifts for anyone to whom gardens appeal.</p>
+
+<p>
+A BOOK OF GARDENS<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">Illustrated by <span class="smcap">Margaret H. Waterfield</span>. 140 pp.</span><br />
+<br />
+A BOOK OF OLD-WORLD GARDENS<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">With eight illus. in colour by <span class="smcap">Beatrice Parsons</span>. 122 pp.</span><br />
+<br />
+GARDEN MEMORIES<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;">With eight illus. in colour by <span class="smcap">Mary G. W. Wilson</span>. 120 pp.</span><br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>T&middot;N&middot;FOULIS&middot;PUBLISHER</h4>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_268" id="Page_268">[Pg 268]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="ILLUSTRATED_VOLUMES" id="ILLUSTRATED_VOLUMES"></a>ILLUSTRATED VOLUMES</h2>
+
+
+<p style="font-weight: bold; font-size: 1.2em;">THE CITIES SERIES</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>In Japon vellum covers, 1/- net; bound in Japanese Vellum, with
+illustrations mounted, 2/6 net.</p></div>
+
+<p>
+<span style="font-weight: bold">1. A LITTLE BOOK OF LONDON</span><br />
+<span class="adsmall">25 DRAWINGS BY JOSEPH PENNELL.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="font-weight: bold">2. THE GREAT NEW YORK</span><br />
+<span class="adsmall">24 DRAWINGS IN PHOTOGRAVURE BY JOSEPH PENNELL.</span><br />
+</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>These reproductions of
+the 49 etchings in which he has registered the aspect of contemporary
+London and New York are among the most brilliant and incisive of Mr
+Pennell's contributions to art.</p></div>
+
+<p>
+<span style="font-weight: bold">3. THE CITY OF THE WEST</span><br />
+<span class="adsmall">24 DRAWINGS IN PHOTOGRAVURE BY JESSIE M. KING.</span><br />
+</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>Miss Jessie M. King's twenty-four drawings of its duskier corners
+bring out an endearing side of the character of old Glasgow.</p></div>
+
+<p>
+<span style="font-weight: bold">4. THE GREY CITY OF THE NORTH</span><br />
+<span class="adsmall">24 DRAWINGS BY JESSIE M. KING.</span><br />
+</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>This collection of her work consists of a series of portraits of the Old
+Town of Edinburgh, their haunting delicacy and gnomish charm.</p></div>
+
+<p>
+<span style="font-weight: bold">5. R. L. STEVENSON: MEMORIES</span><br />
+</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>These twenty-five photographs from a private collection depict
+R. L. S., his father, his mother, his wife, his old nurse, his successive
+homes in Scotland and Samoa, the cottage at Swanston where he
+spent his holidays as a boy as well as that last resting-place on the
+summit of Vaea, which the natives call the shrine of Tusitala.</p><br /></div>
+
+
+<p><b>MANNERS &amp; CUSTOMS OF YE ENGLYSHE</b></p>
+
+<p>49 drawings by Richard Doyle, with letterpress by Percival Leigh.
+By far the best of Doyle's drawings were those which appeared in
+"Punch" under the title of "Manners and Customs of Ye Englishe."
+His sense of humour was as sturdy as his draughtsmanship
+was delicate and the union is comedy exquisite.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 25%;" />
+
+
+<p><b>THE SERVILE STATE</b></p>
+
+<p>By <span class="smcap">Hilaire Belloc</span>. The Servile State is a study of the tendency
+of modern legislation in industrial society and particularly in England
+not towards Socialism but towards the establishment of two
+legally separate classes, one a small class in possession of the means
+of production, the other a much larger class subjected to compulsory
+labour under the guarantee of a legal sufficiency to maintain
+themselves. The result of such an establishment and the forces
+working for and against it, as well as the remedies are fully discussed.
+234 pp. Cr. 8vo Boards, 1/- net. Buckram, 2/6 net.</p>
+
+
+<h4>T&middot;N&middot;FOULIS&middot;PUBLISHER</h4>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_269" id="Page_269">[Pg 269]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="PRESENTATION_VOLUMES_3" id="PRESENTATION_VOLUMES_3"></a>PRESENTATION VOLUMES</h2>
+
+
+<p><b>NELL GWYN</b></p>
+
+<p>By <span class="smcap">Cecil Chesterton</span>. The author has carried out the task entrusted
+to him with an admirable clearness and impartiality. The
+book is richly illustrated; the many portraits reflect the impudent,
+infamous, irresistible child-face in all its enchanting phases. Twenty
+illustrations&mdash;four in colour. 232 pp. Buckram, 5/- net. Velvet
+Persian and boxed, 7/6 net.</p>
+
+
+<p><b>LADY HAMILTON</b></p>
+
+<p>By <span class="smcap">E. Hallam Moorhouse</span>. "Out of all the vicissitudes of her
+extraordinary life she snatched one lasting triumph&mdash;her name
+spells beauty." The many fine portraits in this work demonstrate,
+as words can never do, that extraordinary nobility of temperament
+which was the main characteristic of Nelson's Cleopatra. Twenty-three
+illustrations&mdash;four in colour. 236 pp. Buckram, 5/- net.
+Velvet Persian and boxed, 7/6 net.</p>
+
+
+<p><b>MARIE ANTOINETTE</b></p>
+
+<p>By <span class="smcap">Francis Bickley</span>. A picturesque but restrained book. The
+illustrations are all reproductions of portraits. They prove, once
+more, the power which contemporary paintings have of making
+history intimate and real. Twenty illustrations&mdash;four in colour.
+204 pp. Buckram, 5/- net. Velvet Persian and boxed, 7/6 net.</p>
+
+
+<p><b>PRINCE CHARLIE</b></p>
+
+<p>By <span class="smcap">William Power</span>. It is curious to see how profoundly lives in
+themselves so ill-fated have the power to encourage and stimulate
+the reader. Few figures are more real than The Pretender's. His
+sufferings have been turned into songs and great stories; his old
+calamities are our present consolation. This volume contains reproduction
+in colour of sixteen Jacobite pictures and seven portraits
+in collotype. 200 pp. In Buckram, 5/- net; Velvet Persian, 7/6 net.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 25%;" />
+
+
+<p><b>RUB&Aacute;IY&Aacute;T OF OMAR KHAYY&Aacute;M</b></p>
+
+<p>Illus. by <span class="smcap">Frank Brangwyn</span>, R.A. The sumptuous virility of the
+artist's work is specially suitable for the purpose of sustaining and
+emphasising that element of lofty sensuousness of the whole impassioned
+song. With eight illustrations in colour. 120 pp.
+Buckram, 3/6 net. Velvet Persian and boxed, 5/- net.</p>
+
+<h4>T&middot;N&middot;FOULIS&middot;PUBLISHER</h4>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_270" id="Page_270">[Pg 270]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="SOME_FOULIS_BOOKLETS" id="SOME_FOULIS_BOOKLETS"></a>SOME FOULIS BOOKLETS</h2>
+
+
+<p><b>MAXIMS OF LIFE SERIES</b></p>
+
+<p>A set of miniature volumes, exquisitely produced, designed to hold
+the essence of the wisdom of some of the world's keenest intelligences.
+The <i>Napoleon</i> volume, for instance, thus contains the essential
+creed of the man who towered above his time like a Colossus.
+That of <i>Madame de S&eacute;vign&eacute;</i>, again, holds the attar of an
+intellect that dazzled the most brilliant court of France. In the <i>La
+Rochefoucauld</i> is the essence of the worldly wisdom of one of the
+cleverest judges of men and things. And the <i>George Sand</i> preserves
+the private philosophy which a passionate woman slowly distilled
+as she made her stormy pilgrimage through life. Each of these
+volumes, which contain illustrations in line and colour, is a slender
+casket of jewels. In decorative wrapper, 6d. net. Bound in Velvet
+Persian Yapp, 1/- net; also in Japon Vellum, 1/- net. 120 pp.</p>
+
+
+<p style="margin-left: 2em;">1. NAPOLEON<br />
+2. MADAME DE S&Eacute;VIGN&Eacute;<br />
+3. LA ROCHEFOUCAULD<br />
+4. GEORGE SAND<br />
+5. NIETZSCHE<br /><br />
+</p>
+
+
+<p><b>LES PETITS LIVRES D'OR</b></p>
+
+<p>The minted gold of French verse and prose has been packed away
+here and there are few of the French wits and poets whose works
+have not been rifled for these charming booklets. Not even in
+Paris, the home of <i>chic</i>, has anything of the sort been seen before.
+In designed covers, each illustrated in colour, 6d. net. In Velvet
+Persian, 1/- net.</p>
+
+
+<p style="margin-left: 2em;">1. UN PETIT LIVRE D'AMOUR<br />
+2. UN PETIT LIVRE D'AMITI&Eacute;<br />
+3. UN PETIT LIVRE DE SAGESSE<br />
+4. AUCASSIN ET NICOLETTE<br /><br />
+</p>
+
+
+<p><b>DIE ROSEN VOM PARNASS</b></p>
+
+<p>These are the German equivalents of the Foulis French <i>petits</i>, and,
+like the latter, they have created a small <i>furore</i> on the Continent.
+The delicately reproduced "full-page" illustrations are, once more,
+the work of some of the most distinguished Scottish and English
+painters. In designed covers, each illustrated in colour, 6d. net.
+In Velvet Persian, 1/- net.</p>
+
+
+<p style="margin-left: 2em;">
+1. LIEDER VON HEINE<br />
+2. DEUTSCHE LIEBESLIEDER<br />
+3. FREUNDSCHAFTSLIEDER<br />
+4. WANDERLIEDER<br /><br />
+</p>
+
+
+<h4>T&middot;N&middot;FOULIS&middot;PUBLISHER</h4>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h2><a name="Transcribers_Note" id="Transcribers_Note"></a>Transcriber's Note:</h2>
+
+<p>Illustrations have been moved slightly to coincide with the mention of
+the person named in the caption. The hyperlinks in the <a href="#LIST_OF_PORTRAITS">List of Portraits</a> have been changed
+to reflect this movement. The page numbers in that list have not been changed.</p>
+
+<p>This book includes a lot of dialect, which often looks misspelled but
+was intentionally written that way. Therefore, some irregularities that
+might be errors have not been corrected in order to preserve author
+intent. Name variants (mostly occurring in the index) also have not been
+corrected. However, obvious errors have been corrected, and punctuation
+has been standardized where appropriate.</p>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Law and Laughter, by 
+George Alexander Morton and Donald Macleod Malloch
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LAW AND LAUGHTER ***
+
+***** This file should be named 30003-h.htm or 30003-h.zip *****
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+</body>
+</html>
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@@ -0,0 +1,7742 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Law and Laughter, by
+George Alexander Morton and Donald Macleod Malloch
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Law and Laughter
+
+Author: George Alexander Morton
+        Donald Macleod Malloch
+
+Release Date: September 16, 2009 [EBook #30003]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LAW AND LAUGHTER ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Bryan Ness, Rose Acquavella and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This
+file was produced from images generously made available
+by The Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  LAW AND LAUGHTER
+
+
+  BY GEORGE A. MORTON
+  AND D. MACLEOD MALLOCH
+
+
+  ILLUSTRATED WITH PORTRAITS OF
+  EMINENT MEMBERS OF BENCH & BAR
+
+
+  T. N. FOULIS
+  LONDON & EDINBURGH
+  1913
+
+
+
+  _Published October 1913_
+
+
+  Printed by BALLANTYNE, HANSON & CO.
+  at the Ballantyne Press, Edinburgh
+
+
+
+
+  TO
+  THE MEMORY OF
+  D. MACLEOD MALLOCH
+
+
+
+
+    "As crafty lawyers to acquire applause
+    Try various arts to get a double cause,
+    So does an author, rummaging his brain,
+    By various methods, try to entertain."
+
+    PASQUIN.
+
+
+
+
+PREFACE
+
+
+The scope of this volume is indicated by its title--a presentation of
+the lighter side of law, as it is exhibited from time to time in the
+witty remarks, repartees, and _bon mots_ of the Bench and Bar of Great
+Britain, Ireland, and America. The idea of presenting such a collection
+of legal _facetiae_ originated with the late Mr. D. Macleod Malloch, and
+it is greatly to be regretted that by his untimely death, his share of
+the work had reached the stage of selecting only about one-half of the
+material included in the book. His knowledge of law, and his wide
+reading in legal biography, was such as would have increased
+considerably the value of this volume.
+
+In addition to sources which are acknowledged in the text, I have to
+mention contributions drawn from the following works: W. D. Adams'
+_Modern Anecdotes_; W. Andrews' _The Lawyer in History, Literature and
+Humour_; Croake James's _Curiosities of Law_; F. R. O'Flanagan's _The
+Irish Bar_; and A. Engelbach's comprehensive and entertaining _Anecdotes
+of the Bench and Bar_. I am further indebted to Sir James Balfour Paul,
+Lyon King of Arms, for permission to include "The Circuiteer's Lament,"
+from the privately printed volume _Ballads of the Bench and Bar_, and to
+the editor of the _Edinburgh Evening Dispatch_ for a number of the more
+recent anecdotes in the Scottish chapters of the book.
+
+     GEO. A. MORTON.
+
+
+
+
+       LIST OF CONTENTS
+
+
+    I. THE JUDGES OF ENGLAND        PAGE 3
+
+   II. THE BARRISTERS OF ENGLAND        67
+
+  III. THE JUDGES OF IRELAND           107
+
+   IV. THE BARRISTERS OF IRELAND       127
+
+    V. THE JUDGES OF SCOTLAND          153
+
+   VI. THE ADVOCATES OF SCOTLAND       199
+
+  VII. THE AMERICAN BENCH AND BAR      223
+
+
+
+
+  LIST OF PORTRAITS
+
+
+  LORD THURLOW                                  _Frontispiece_
+
+    _From a painting by Thomas Phillips, R.A.
+    By permission of the Trustees of the National Portrait
+    Gallery._
+
+  EARL OF ROSSLYN                                     _Page_ 8
+
+  EARL OF MANSFIELD                                         16
+
+  EARL OF ELDON                                             20
+
+    _By permission of the Trustees of the Scottish National
+    Portrait Gallery._
+
+  LORD KENYON                                               24
+
+  LORD ERSKINE                                              32
+
+  LORD WESTBURY                                             36
+
+  LORD BROUGHAM                                             40
+
+  LORD CAMPBELL                                             44
+
+    _By permission of the Trustees of the National Portrait
+    Gallery, and Mr. Emery Walker._
+
+  LORD CHELMSFORD                                           48
+
+  SIR ALEXANDER COCKBURN                                    52
+
+    _By permission of Harry A. Cockburn, Esq._
+
+  LORD BRAMPTON (SIR HENRY HAWKINS)                         56
+
+  THE HON. MR. JUSTICE DARLING                              60
+
+    _From a photograph by C. Vandyk._
+
+  SIR SAMUEL MARTIN                                         64
+
+  THE HON. MR. JUSTICE GRANTHAM                             72
+
+    _From a photograph by Elliott & Fry, Ltd._
+
+  JOHN ADOLPHUS                                             76
+
+  SAMUEL WARREN, Q.C.                                       80
+
+  LORD ROMILLY                                              88
+
+  SERJEANT TALFOURD                                         96
+
+  VISCOUNT CARLETON                                        112
+
+    _By permission of the Trustees of the Scottish National
+    Portrait Gallery._
+
+  JOHN P. CURRAN                                           128
+
+    _By permission of the Trustees of the Scottish National
+    Portrait Gallery._
+
+  DANIEL O'CONNELL                                         144
+
+    _By permission of the Trustees of the Scottish National
+    Portrait Gallery._
+
+  LORD NEWTON                                              156
+
+  LORD ESKGROVE                                            160
+
+  LORD KAMES                                               164
+
+  LORD ELDIN                                               168
+
+  LORD COCKBURN                                            176
+
+  LORD BRAXFIELD                                           184
+
+    _By permission of the Trustees of the Scottish National
+    Portrait Gallery._
+
+  LORD YOUNG                                               192
+
+    _From a photograph by T. & R. Annan & Sons._
+
+  THE HON. HENRY ERSKINE                                   200
+
+    _By permission of the Trustees of the Scottish National
+    Portrait Gallery._
+
+  ANDREW CROSBIE                                           208
+
+    _By permission of the Faculty of Advocates._
+
+  THEOPHILUS PARSONS                                       224
+
+  RUFUS CHOATE                                             232
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER ONE
+
+THE JUDGES OF ENGLAND
+
+
+    "The man resolv'd and steady to his trust,
+    Inflexible to ill, and obstinately just,
+    May the rude rabble's insolence despise,
+    Their senseless clamours, and tumultuous cries;
+    The tyrant's fierceness he beguiles,
+    And the stern brow, and the harsh voice defies,
+    And with superior greatness smiles."
+
+    HORACE: _Odes_.
+
+
+    "The charge is prepared, the lawyers are set;
+    The judges are ranged, a terrible show."
+
+    _Beggar's Opera._
+
+
+
+
+  LAW AND LAUGHTER
+  BY GEORGE A. MORTON
+  AND D. MACLEOD MALLOCH
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER ONE
+
+THE JUDGES OF ENGLAND
+
+
+Mr. Justice Darling, whose witty remarks from the Bench are so much
+appreciated by his audiences in Court, and, it is rumoured, are not
+always received with approval by his brother judges, says, in his
+amusing book _Scintillae Juris_:
+
+"It is a common error to suppose that our law has no sense of humour,
+because for the most part the judges who expound it have none."
+
+But law is, after all, a serious business--at any rate for the
+litigants--and it would appear also for the attorneys, for while
+witticisms of the Bench and Bar abound, very few are recorded of the
+attorney and his client. "Law is law" wrote the satirist who decided not
+to adopt it as a profession. "Law is like a country dance; people are
+led up and down in it till they are tired. Law is like a book of
+surgery--there are a great many terrible cases in it. It is also like
+physic--they who take least of it are best off. Law is like a homely
+gentlewoman--very well to follow. Law is like a scolding wife--very bad
+when it follows us. Law is like a new fashion--people are bewitched to
+get into it. It is also like bad weather--most people are glad when they
+get out of it."
+
+From very early times there have appeared on the Bench expounders of the
+law who by the phrase "for the most part" must be acquitted of Mr.
+Justice Darling's charge of having no sense of humour; judges who, like
+himself, have lightened the otherwise dreary routine of duty by
+pleasantries which in no way interfered with the course of justice. One
+of the earliest of our witty judges, whose brilliant sayings have come
+down to us, was Henry VIII's Lord Chancellor, Sir Thomas More, who lost
+his head because he would not acknowledge his king as head of the
+Church. To Sir Thomas Manners, Earl of Rutland, who had made a somewhat
+insolent remark, the Lord Chancellor quietly replied, 'Honores mutant
+mores'--Honours change manners. Sir Thomas's humour was what may be
+called _quiet_, because its effect did not immediately show itself in
+boisterous merriment, but would undoubtedly remain long in the
+remembrance of those to whom it was addressed. Made with as much
+courtesy as irony, is it likely his keeper in the Tower would ever
+forget his remark? "Assure yourself I do not dislike my cheer; but
+whenever I do, then spare not to thrust me out of your doors." Nor did
+his quaint humour desert him at the scaffold: "Master Lieutenant," said
+he, "I pray you see me safe up; for my coming down let me shift for
+myself." Even with his head on the block he could not resist a humorous
+remark, when putting aside his beard he said to the executioner, "Wait,
+my good friend, till I have removed my beard, for it has never offended
+his highness."
+
+Another judge of the sixteenth century, Sir Nicholas Bacon, who
+resembled Sir Thomas More in the gentleness of his happiest speeches,
+could also on occasion exhibit an unnecessary coarseness in his jocular
+retorts. A circuit story is told of him in which a convicted felon named
+Hog appealed for remission of his sentence on the ground that he was
+related to his lordship. "Nay, my friend," replied the judge, "you and I
+cannot be kindred except you be hanged, for hog is not bacon until it be
+well hung." This retort was not quite so coarse as that attributed to
+the Scottish judge, Lord Kames, two centuries later, who on sentencing
+to death a man with whom he had often played chess and very frequently
+been beaten, added after the solemn words of doom, "And noo, Matthew,
+ye'll admit that's checkmate for you."
+
+To Lord Chancellor Hatton, also an Elizabethan judge who aimed at
+sprightliness on the Bench, a clever _mot_ is attributed. The case
+before him was one concerning the limits of certain land. The counsel
+having remarked with emphasis, 'We lie on this side, my lord,' and the
+opposing counsel with equal vehemence having interposed, 'And we lie on
+this side, my lord'--the Lord Chancellor dryly observed, "If you lie on
+both sides, whom am I to believe?" It would seem that punning was as
+great a power in the Law Courts of that time as it is at the present
+day. When Egerton as Master of the Rolls was asked to commit a
+cause--refer it to a Master in Chancery--he would reply, "What has the
+cause done that it should be committed?"
+
+Many witticisms of Westminster Hall, attributed to barristers of the
+Georgian and Victorian periods, are traceable to a much earlier date.
+There is the story of Serjeant Wilkins, whose excuse for drinking a pot
+of stout at mid-day was, that he wanted to fuddle his brain down to the
+intellectual standard of a British jury. Two hundred and fifty years
+earlier, Sir John Millicent, a Cambridgeshire judge, on being asked how
+he got on with his brother judges replied, "Why, i' faithe, I have no
+way but to drink myself down to the capacity of the Bench." And this
+merry thought has also been attributed to one eminent barrister who
+became Lord Chancellor, and to more than one Scottish advocate who
+ultimately attained to a seat on the Bench.
+
+And to various celebrities of the later Georgian period has been
+attributed Lord Shaftesbury's reply to Charles II. When the king
+exclaimed, "Shaftesbury, you are the most profligate man in my
+dominions," the Chancellor answered somewhat recklessly, "Of a subject,
+sir, I believe I am."
+
+Bullying witnesses is an old practice of the Bar, but for instances of
+it emanating from the Bench one has to go very far back. A witness with
+a long beard was giving evidence that was displeasing to Jeffreys, when
+judge, who said: "If your conscience is as large as your beard, you'll
+swear anything." The old man retorted: "My lord, if your lordship
+measures consciences by beards, your lordship has none at all."
+
+A somewhat similar story of Jeffreys' bullying manner, when at the Bar,
+is that of his cross-examining a witness in a leathern doublet, who had
+made out a complete case against his client. Jeffreys shouted: "You
+fellow in the leathern doublet, pray what have you for swearing?" The
+man looked steadily at him, and "Truly, sir," said he, "if you have no
+more for lying than I have for swearing, you might wear a leathern
+doublet as well as I."
+
+Instances of disrespect to the Bench are rarely met with in early as
+happily in later days. There is, perhaps, the most flagrant example of
+young Wedderburn in the Scottish Court of Session, when with dramatic
+effect he threw off his gown and declared he would never enter the Court
+again; but he rose to be Lord Chancellor of England. Scarcely less
+disrespectful (but not said openly to the Bench) was young Edward Hyde
+when hinting that the death of judges was of small moment compared with
+his chances of preferment. "Our best news," he wrote to a friend, "is
+that we have good wine abundantly come over; our worst that the plague
+is in town, _and no judges die_."
+
+[Illustration: ALEXANDER WEDDERBURN, EARL OF ROSSLYN, LORD CHANCELLOR.]
+
+In squabbles between the Bench and the Bar there are few stories that
+match for personality the retort of a counsel to Lord Fortescue. His
+lordship was disfigured by a purple nose of abnormal growth.
+Interrupting counsel one day with the observation: "Brother, brother,
+you are handling the case in a very lame manner," the angry counsel
+calmly retorted, "Pardon me, my lord; have patience with me and I will
+do my best to make the case as plain as--as--the nose on your lordship's
+face." Nor did the retort of an Attorney-General to a judge, after a
+warm discussion on a point which the latter claimed to decide, show much
+respect for the Bench. The judge closed the argument with "I ruled so
+and so."--"_You_ ruled," muttered the Attorney-General. "_You_ ruled!
+You were never fit to rule anything but a copy-book."
+
+Verse has been used as a medium of much amusing legal wit and humour,
+although law and law cases do not offer very easy subjects for turning
+into rhyme. But a good illustration is afforded by Mr. Justice Powis,
+who had a habit of repeating the phrase, "Look, do you see," and "I
+humbly conceive." At York Assize Court on one occasion he said to Mr.
+Yorke, afterwards Lord Hardwicke, "Mr. Yorke, I understand you are going
+to publish a poetical version of 'Coke upon Lyttelton.' Will you
+favour me with a specimen?"--"Certainly, my lord," replied the
+barrister, who thereupon gravely recited:
+
+      "He that holdeth his lands in fee
+        Need neither shake nor shiver,
+      I humbly conceive, for, look, do you see,
+        They are his and his heirs for ever."
+
+In Sir James Burrows' reports is given a poetical version of Chief
+Justice Pratt's decision with regard to a woman of English birth who was
+the widow of a foreigner.
+
+      "A woman having a settlement,
+        Married a man with none,
+      The question was, he being dead,
+        If what she had was gone.
+
+      Quoth Sir John Pratt, 'The settlement
+        Suspended doth remain
+      Living the husband; but him dead
+        It doth revive again.'"
+
+  Chorus of Puisne Judges:
+
+      "Living the husband; but him dead
+        It doth revive again."
+
+The Chief Justice's decision having been reversed by his successor,
+Chief Justice Ryder's decision was reported:
+
+      "A woman having a settlement
+        Married a man with none;
+      He flies and leaves her destitute,
+        What then is to be done?
+
+      Quoth Ryder the Chief Justice,
+        'In spite of Sir John Pratt,
+      You'll send her to the parish
+        In which she was a brat.'
+
+      _Suspension of a settlement_
+        Is not to be maintained.
+      That which she had by birth subsists
+        Until another's gained."
+
+  Chorus of Puisne Judges:
+
+      "That which she had by birth subsists
+       Until another's gained."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: EDWARD THURLOW, BARON THURLOW. LORD CHANCELLOR.]
+
+Many of the well-known witticisms attributed to great judges are so
+tinged with personality--even tending to malignity--that no one
+possessing respect for human nature can read them without being tempted
+to regard them as mere biographical fabrications. But such a
+construction cannot be put upon the stories told of Lord Chancellor
+Thurlow, whose overbearing insolence to the Bar is well known. To a few
+friends like John Scott, Lord Eldon, and Lloyd Kenyon, Lord Kenyon, he
+could be consistently indulgent; but to those who provoked him by an
+independent and fearless manner he was little short of a persecutor.
+Once when Scott was about to follow his leader, who had made an
+unusually able speech, the Chancellor addressed him: "Mr. Scott, I am
+glad to find you are engaged in the cause, for I now stand some chance
+of knowing something about the matter." This same leader of the Bar on
+one occasion, in the excitement of professional altercation, made use of
+an undignified expression before Lord Thurlow; but before his lordship
+could take notice of it the counsel immediately apologised, saying, "My
+lord, I beg your lordship's pardon. I really forgot for the moment where
+I was." A silent recognition of the apology would have made the counsel
+feel his position more keenly, but the Chancellor could not let such an
+opportunity pass and immediately flashed out: "You thought you were in
+your own Court, I presume," alluding to a Welsh judgeship held by the
+offending counsel.
+
+As a contrast to Lord Thurlow's treatment of Scott's leader, the
+following story--given in Scott's own words--shows how the great
+Chancellor could unbend himself in the company of men who were in his
+favour. "After dinner, one day when nobody was present but Lord Kenyon
+and myself, Lord Thurlow said, 'Taffy, I decided a cause this morning,
+and I saw from Scott's face that he doubted whether I was right.'
+Thurlow then stated his view of the case, and Kenyon instantly said,
+'Your decision was quite right.' 'What say you to that?' asked the
+Chancellor. I said, 'I did not presume to form a case on which they were
+both agreed. But I think a fact has not been mentioned, which may be
+material.' I was about to state the fact, and my reasons. Kenyon,
+however, broke in upon me, and with some warmth stated that I was always
+so obstinate there was no dealing with me. 'Nay,' interposed Thurlow,
+'that's not fair. You, Taffy, are obstinate, and give no reasons. You,
+Jack, are obstinate too; but then you give your reasons, and d--d bad
+ones they are!'"
+
+Another anecdote again illustrates the Chancellor's treatment of even
+those who were on a friendly footing with him. Sir Thomas Davenport, a
+great Nisi Prius leader, had long flattered himself with the hope of
+succeeding to some valuable appointment in the law; but several good
+things passing by, he lost his patience and temper along with them. At
+last he addressed this laconic application to his patron: "The Chief
+Justiceship of Chester is vacant; am I to have it?" and received the
+following laconic answer: "No! by G--d! Kenyon shall have it."
+
+Scarcely less courteous was this Lord Chancellor's treatment of a
+solicitor who endeavoured to prove to him a certain person's death. To
+all his statements the Chancellor replied, "Sir, that is no proof," till
+at last the solicitor losing patience exclaimed: "Really, my lord, it is
+very hard and it is not right that you should not believe me. I knew the
+man well: I saw the man dead in his coffin. My lord, the man was my
+client." "Good G--d, sir! why didn't you tell me that sooner? I should
+not have doubted the fact one moment; for I think nothing can be so
+likely to kill a man as to have you for his attorney."
+
+As Keeper of the Great Seal Thurlow had the alternate presentation to a
+living with the Bishop of ----. The Bishop's secretary called upon the
+Lord Chancellor and said, "My Lord Bishop of ---- sends his compliments
+to your lordship, and believes that the next turn to present to ----
+belongs to his lordship."--"Give his lordship my compliments," replied
+the Chancellor, "and tell him that I will see him d--d first before he
+shall present."--"This, my lord," retorted the secretary, "is a very
+unpleasant message to deliver to a bishop." To which the Chancellor
+replied, "You are right, it is so; therefore tell the Bishop that _I
+will be_ d--d first before he shall present."
+
+Lord Campbell in his life of Thurlow says that in his youth the
+Chancellor was credited with wild excesses. There was a story, believed
+at the time, of some early amour with the daughter of a Dean of
+Canterbury, to which the Duchess of Kingston alluded when on her trial
+at the House of Lords. Looking Thurlow, then Attorney-General, full in
+the face she said, "That learned gentleman dwelt much on my faults, but
+I too, if I chose, could tell a Canterbury tale."
+
+But with all his bitterness and sarcasm Lord Thurlow had a genuine
+sense of humour, as the following story of his Cambridge days
+illustrates--days when he was credited with more disorderly pranks and
+impudent escapades than attention to study. "Sir," observed a tutor, "I
+never come to the window but I see you idling in the Court."--"Sir,"
+replied the future Lord Chancellor, "I never come into the Court but I
+see you idling at the window."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WILLIAM MURRAY, EARL OF MANSFIELD, LORD CHIEF JUSTICE.]
+
+Mansfield was not credited with lively sensibility, but his humanity was
+shocked at the thought of killing a man for a trifling theft. Trying a
+prisoner at the Old Baily on the charge of stealing in a dwelling-house
+to the value of 40_s._--when this was a capital offence--he advised the
+jury to find a gold trinket, the subject of the indictment, to be of
+less value. The prosecutor exclaimed with indignation, "Under 40_s._, my
+lord! Why, the _fashion_ alone cost me more than double the sum."--"God
+forbid, gentlemen, we should hang a man for fashion's sake," observed
+Lord Mansfield to the jury.
+
+An indictment was tried before him at the Assizes, preferred by parish
+officers for keeping an hospital for lying-in women, whereby the parish
+was burdened by illegitimate children. He expressed doubts whether this
+was an indictable offence, and after hearing arguments in support of it
+he thus gave his judgment. "We sit here under a Commission requiring us
+to _deliver_ this gaol, and the statute has been cited to make it
+unlawful to _deliver_ a woman who is with child. Let the indictment be
+quashed."
+
+Having met at supper the famous Dr. Brocklesby, he entered into familiar
+conversation with him, and there was an interchange of stories just a
+little trenching on the decorous. It so happened that the doctor had to
+appear next morning before Lord Mansfield in the witness-box; and on the
+strength of the previous evening's doings the witness, on taking up his
+position, nodded to the Chief Justice with offensive familiarity as to a
+boon companion. His lordship taking no notice of his salutation, but
+writing down his evidence, when he came to summing it up to the jury
+thus proceeded: "The next witness is one Rocklesby or Brocklesby,
+Brocklesby or Rocklesby--I am not sure which--and first he swears he is
+a physician."
+
+Lord Chief Baron Parker, in his eighty-seventh year, having observed to
+Lord Mansfield who was seventy-eight: "Your lordship and myself are now
+at sevens and eights," the younger Chief Justice replied: "Would you
+have us to be all our lives at sixes and sevens? But let us talk of
+young ladies and not old age."
+
+Trying an action which arose from the collision of two ships at sea, a
+sailor who gave an account of the accident said, "At the time I was
+standing abaft the binnacle."--"Where is abaft the binnacle?" asked
+Lord Mansfield; upon which the witness, who had taken a large share of
+grog before coming into Court, exclaimed loud enough to be heard by all
+present: "A pretty fellow to be a judge, who don't know where abaft the
+binnacle is!" Lord Mansfield, instead of threatening to commit him for
+contempt, said: "Well, my friend, fit me for my office by telling me
+where _abaft the binnacle is_; you have already shown me the meaning of
+_half-seas over_."
+
+On one occasion Lord Mansfield covered his retreat from an untenable
+position with a sparkling pleasantry. An old witness named ELM having
+given his evidence with remarkable clearness, although he was more than
+eighty years of age, Lord Mansfield examined him as to his habitual mode
+of living, and found he had been through life an early riser and a
+singularly temperate man. "Ay," remarked the Chief Justice, in a tone of
+approval, "I have always found that without temperance and early habits
+longevity is never attained." The next witness, the elder brother of
+this model of temperance, was then called, and he almost surpassed his
+brother as an intelligent and clear-headed utterer of evidence. "I
+suppose," observed Lord Mansfield, "that you are an early riser?"--"No,
+my lord," answered the veteran stoutly; "I like my bed at all hours, and
+special-_lie_ I like it of a morning."--"Ah, but like your brother, you
+are a very temperate man?" quickly asked the judge, looking out
+anxiously for the safety of the more important part of his theory. "My
+lord," responded this ancient Elm, disdaining to plead guilty to a
+charge of habitual sobriety, "I am a very old man, and my memory is as
+clear as a bell, but I can't remember the night when I've gone to bed
+without being more or less drunk."--"Ah, my lord," Mr. Dunning
+exclaimed, "this old man's case supports a theory unheld by many
+persons--that habitual intemperance is favourable to longevity."--"No,
+no," replied the Chief Justice with a smile; "this old man and his
+brother merely teach us what every carpenter knows--that Elm, whether it
+be wet or dry, is a very tough wood."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: JOHN SCOTT, EARL OF ELDON, LORD CHANCELLOR.]
+
+Lord Eldon's good humour gained him the affection of all counsel who
+practised before him, but there is one story--apocryphal it may be,
+coming from Lord Campbell--of a prejudice he had against Lord Brougham,
+who, in Scottish cases, frequently appeared before him in the House of
+Lords. Lord Eldon persisted in addressing the advocate as Mr. Bruffam.
+This was too much for Brougham, who was rather proud of the form and
+antiquity of his name, and who at last, in exasperation, sent a note to
+the Chancellor, intimating that his name was pronounced "Broom." At the
+conclusion of the argument the Chancellor stated, "Every authority upon
+the question has been brought before us: new Brooms sweep clean."
+
+As Lord Chancellor, Lord Eldon's great foible was an apparent inability
+to arrive at an early decision on any question: it was really a desire
+to weigh carefully all sides of a question before expressing his
+opinion. This hesitancy was expressed in the formula "I doubt," which
+became the subject of frequent jests among the members of the Bar.
+
+Sir George Rose, in absence of the regular reporter of Lord Eldon's
+decisions, was requested to take a note of any decision which should be
+given. As a full record of all that was material, which had occurred
+during the day, Sir George made the following entry in the reporter's
+notebook:
+
+    "Mr. Leach made a speech,
+    Angry, neat, but wrong;
+    Mr. Hart, on the other part,
+    Was heavy, dull, and long;
+    Mr. Parker made the case darker,
+    Which was dark enough without;
+    Mr. Cooke cited his book;
+    And the Chancellor said--I doubt."
+
+This _jeu d'esprit_, flying about Westminster Hall, reached the
+Chancellor, who was very much amused with it, notwithstanding the
+allusion to his doubting propensity. Soon after, Sir George Rose having
+to argue before him a very untenable proposition, he gave his opinion
+very gravely, and with infinite grace and felicity thus concluded: "For
+these reasons the judgment must be against your clients; and here, Sir
+George, the Chancellor does not _doubt_."
+
+The following was Lord Eldon's answer to an application for a piece of
+preferment from his old friend Dr. Fisher, of the Charter House:
+
+"DEAR FISHER,--I cannot, to-day, give you the preferment for which you
+ask.--I remain, your sincere friend, ELDON." Then, on the other side, "I
+gave it to you yesterday."
+
+According to his biographer, Lord Eldon caused a loud laugh while the
+old Duke of Norfolk was fast asleep in the House of Lords, and amusing
+their lordships with "that tuneful nightingale, his nose," by announcing
+from the woolsack, with solemn emphasis, that the Commons had sent up a
+bill for "enclosing and dividing Great Snoring in the county of
+Norfolk!"
+
+Like Lord Thurlow, Lord Eldon was in close intimacy with George III in
+the days when his Majesty's mind was supposed to be not very strong. "I
+took down to Kew," relates his lordship, "some Bills for his assent, and
+I placed on a paper the titles and the effect of them. The king, being
+perhaps suspicious that my coming down might be to judge of his
+competence for public business, as I was reading over the titles of the
+different Acts of Parliament he interrupted me and said: 'You are not
+acting correctly, you should do one of two things; either bring me down
+the Acts for my perusal, or say, as Thurlow once said to me on a like
+occasion, having read several he stopped and said, "It is all d--d
+nonsense trying to make you understand them, and you had better consent
+to them at once."'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It is not often, but it sometimes happens that a judge finds himself in
+conflict with members of the public who are under no restraint of
+professional privilege or etiquette. Some maintain the dignity of the
+Court by fining and committing for contempt. Occasionally this may be
+necessary, but it has been found that delicate ridicule is often more
+effective. An attorney, pleading his cause before Lord Ellenborough,
+became exasperated because the untenable points he continually raised
+were invariably overruled, and exclaimed, "My lord, my lord, although
+your lordship is so great a man now, I remember the time when I could
+have got your opinion for five shillings." With an amused smile his
+lordship quietly observed, "Sir, I say it was not worth the money."
+
+The same judge used to be greatly annoyed during the season of colds
+with the noise of coughing in Court. On one occasion, when disturbances
+of this kind recurred with more than usual frequency, he was seen
+fidgeting about in his seat, and availing himself of a slight
+cessation observed in his usual emphatic manner: "Some slight
+interruption one _might_ tolerate, but there seems to be an _industry_
+of coughing."
+
+As an illustration of figurative oratory a good story is told of a
+barrister pleading before Lord Ellenborough: "My lord, I appear before
+you in the character of an advocate for the City of London; my lord, the
+City of London herself appears before you as a suppliant for justice. My
+lord, it is written in the book of nature."--"What book?" said Lord
+Ellenborough. "The book of nature."--"Name the page," said his lordship,
+holding his pen uplifted, as if to note the page down.
+
+Moore relates the story of a noble lord in the course of one of his
+speeches saying, "I ask myself so and so," and repeating the words "I
+ask myself." "Yes," quietly remarked Lord Ellenborough, "and a d--d
+foolish answer you'll get."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The comparison of a father and son who have both ascended the Bench has
+afforded a good story of a famous Scottish advocate which is told later,
+and the following is an equally cutting retort from the Bench to any
+assumed superiority through such a connection. A son of Lord Chief
+Justice Willes (who rose to the rank of a Puisne Judge) was checked one
+day for wandering from the subject. "I wish that you would remember,"
+he exclaimed, "that I am the son of a Chief Justice." To which Justice
+Gould replied with great simplicity, "Oh, we remember your father, but
+he was a sensible man."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When hanging was the sentence, on conviction, for crimes--in these days
+termed offences--which are now punished by imprisonment, some judges
+from meting out the sentence of death almost indiscriminately came to be
+known as "hanging judges." Justice Page was one of them. When he was
+decrepit he perpetrated a joke against himself. Coming out of the Court
+one day and shuffling along the street a friend stopped him to inquire
+after his health. "My dear sir," the judge replied, "you see I keep just
+hanging on--hanging on."
+
+A Chief Justice of the "hanging" period, whose integrity was not above
+suspicion, was sitting in Court one day at his ease and lolling on his
+elbow, when a convict from the dock hurled a stone at him which
+fortunately passed over his head. "You see," said the learned man as he
+smilingly received the congratulations of those present--"you see now,
+if I had been an _upright judge_ I had been slain."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: LLOYD KENYON, BARON KENYON, LORD CHIEF JUSTICE.]
+
+Some of the stories respecting Lord Kenyon's historical allusions and
+quotations are surely greatly exaggerated, or are pure inventions. In
+addressing a jury in a blasphemy case, he is reported to have said that
+the Emperor Julian "was so celebrated for the practice of every
+Christian virtue that he was called 'Julian the Apostle'"; and to have
+concluded an elaborate address in dismissing a grand jury with the
+following valediction: "Having thus discharged your consciences,
+gentlemen, you may return to your homes in peace, with the delightful
+consciousness of having performed your duties well, and may lay your
+heads on your pillows, saying to yourselves 'Aut Caesar, aut nullus.'"
+And this was his remark on detecting the trick of an attorney to delay a
+trial: "This is the last hair in the tail of procrastination, and it
+must be plucked out."
+
+Among other failings attributed to this Lord Chief Justice was the
+extreme penuriousness he practised in his domestic arrangements and his
+dress. His shoes were patched to such an extent that little of their
+original material could be seen, and once when trying a case he was
+sitting on the bench in a way to expose them to all in Court. It was an
+action for breach of contract to deliver shoes soundly made, and to
+clinch a witness for the pursuer he suddenly asked, "Were the shoes
+anything like these?" pointing to his own. "No, my lord," replied the
+witness, "they were a good deal better and more genteeler."
+
+As an example of his (Lord Kenyon's) style of addressing a condemned
+prisoner we have the following. A butler had been charged and convicted
+of stealing his master's wine.
+
+"Prisoner at the bar, you stand convicted on the most conclusive
+evidence of a crime of inexpressible atrocity--a crime that defiles the
+sacred springs of domestic confidence, and is calculated to strike alarm
+into the breast of every Englishman who invests largely in the choicer
+vintages of Southern Europe. Like the serpent of old, you have stung the
+hand of your protector. Fortunate in having a generous employer, you
+might without discovery have continued to supply your wretched wife and
+children with the comforts of sufficient prosperity, and even with some
+of the luxuries of affluence; but, dead to every claim of natural
+affection, and blind to your own real interest, you burst through all
+the restraints of religion and morality, and have for many years been
+_feathering_ your nest with your master's _bottles_."
+
+Lord Kenyon was warmly attached to George III, who had a high opinion of
+him; but like many of his lordship's contemporaries, his Majesty
+strongly deprecated the frequent outbursts of temper on the part of his
+Chief Justice. "At a levee, soon after an extraordinary explosion of
+ill-humour in the Court of King's Bench, his Majesty said to him: 'My
+Lord Chief Justice, I hear that you have lost your temper, and from my
+great regard for you, I am very glad to hear it, for I hope you will
+find a better one.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Of Lord Chief Justice Tenterden, Lord Campbell asserts that he once, and
+only once, uttered a pun. A learned gentleman, who had lectured on the
+law and was too much addicted to oratory came to argue a special
+demurrer before him. "My client's opponent," said the figurative
+advocate, "worked like a mole under ground, _clam et secrete_." His
+figures only elicited a grunt from the Chief Justice. "It is asserted in
+Aristotle's _Rhetoric_--."--"I don't want to hear what is asserted in
+Aristotle's _Rhetoric_," interposed Lord Tenterden. The advocate shifted
+his ground and took up, as he thought, a safe position. "It is laid down
+in the _Pandects_ of Justinian--." "Where are you got now?" "It is a
+principle of the civil law--." "Oh sir," exclaimed the judge, with a
+tone and voice which abundantly justified his assertion, "we have
+nothing to do with the _civil_ law in this Court."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Judges sometimes stray into humour without intending it. At an election
+petition trial one allegation was, that a number of rosettes, or "marks
+of distinction," had been kept in a table drawer in the central
+committee-room. To meet this charge it was thought desirable to call
+witnesses to swear that the only table in the room consisted of planks
+laid on trestles. "So that the table had no proper legs," said counsel
+cheerfully. "Never mind whether it had proper legs," said one of the
+learned judges. "The more important question is: Had it drawers?"
+
+And in _The Story of Crime_ the author recalls an instance of a judge
+unconsciously furnishing material for laughter in Court. "At the
+beginning of the session at the Old Baily a good deal of work is got
+through by the judge who takes the small cases, and it may be this fact
+that accounted for the confusion of thought which he describes. One of
+the prisoners was charged with stealing a camera, and after all the
+evidence had been taken his lordship proceeded to sum up to the jury. He
+began by correctly describing the stolen article as a camera, but had
+not gone very far before the camera had become a concertina, and by the
+time he had finished the concertina had become an accordion. And he
+never once saw his mistake. The usher noticed it at the first trip, and
+kept repeating in a kind of hoarse stage-whisper, 'Camera! Camera!' but
+his voice did not reach the Bench, and so the complicated article
+remained on record."
+
+Mr. Andrews in his book, _The Lawyer in History, Literature, and
+Humour_, relates that a leader of the Bar on rising to address the
+drowsy jury after a ponderous oration by Sir Samuel Prime, said:
+"Gentlemen, after the long speech of the learned serjeant--" "Sir, I
+beg your pardon," interrupted Mr. Justice Nares, "you might say--you
+might say--after the long soliloquy, for my brother Prime has been
+talking an hour to himself."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THOMAS ERSKINE, BARON ERSKINE, LORD CHANCELLOR.]
+
+Thomas, Lord Erskine was the youngest of three brothers, who were all
+distinguished men. The eldest was the well-known Earl of Buchan, one of
+the founders of the Society of Antiquaries of Scotland, whose
+eccentricities formed the subject of much gossip in the Scottish
+capital. To an English nobleman he declared: "My brothers Harry and Tom
+are certainly remarkable men, but they owe everything to me." Seeing a
+look of surprise upon his friend's face he added: "Yes, it is true; they
+owe everything to me. On my father's death they pressed me for an annual
+allowance. I knew this would have been their ruin, by relaxing their
+industry. So making a sacrifice of my inclinations to gratify them I
+refused to give them a farthing, and they have thriven ever
+since--_owing everything to me_."
+
+Henry, the second brother, was universally beloved and respected, and one
+of the most popular advocates at the Scottish Bar. He was twice
+Lord-Advocate for Scotland--on the second occasion under the Ministry of
+"All the Talents," when his younger brother was Lord Chancellor. He was
+famous in the Parliament House and outside of it for his witticisms, a
+selection of which will be given later.
+
+Thomas, who became Lord Chancellor, obtained an unique influence while
+practising at the Bar, and, like his older brother, he was a universal
+favourite. "Juries have declared," said Lord Brougham, "that they have
+felt it impossible to remove their looks from him when he had riveted,
+and as it were fascinated, them by his first glance. Then hear his
+voice, of surpassing sweetness, clear, flexible, strong, exquisitely
+fitted to strains of serious earnestness." Yet although he did not rely
+on wit, or humour, or sarcasm in addressing a jury, he could use them to
+effect in cross-examination. "You were born and bred in Manchester, I
+perceive," he said to a witness. "Yes."--"I knew it," said Erskine
+carelessly, "from the absurd tie of your neckcloth." The witness'
+presence of mind was gone, and he was made to unsay the greatest part of
+his evidence in chief. Another witness confounding 'thick' whalebone
+with 'long' whalebone, and unable to distinguish the difference after
+counsel's explanation, Erskine exclaimed, "Why, man, you do not seem to
+know the difference between what is _thick_ or what is _long_! Now I
+tell you the difference. You are _thick_-headed, and you are not
+_long_-headed."
+
+Lord Erskine's addiction to punning is well known, and many examples
+might be cited. An action was brought against a stable-keeper for not
+taking proper care of a horse. "The horse," said counsel for the
+plaintiff, "was turned into the stable, with nothing to eat but musty
+hay. To such the horse 'demurred.'"--"He should have 'gone to the
+country,'" at once retorted Lord Erskine. For the general reader it
+should be explained that "demurring" and "going to the country" are
+technical terms for requiring a cause to be decided on a question of law
+by the judge, or on a question of fact by the jury. Here is another. A
+low-class attorney who was much employed in bail-business and moving
+attachments against the sheriff for not "bringing in the body"--that is,
+not arresting and imprisoning a debtor, when such was the law--sold his
+house in Lincoln's Inn Fields to the Corporation, of Surgeons to be used
+as their Hall. "I suppose it was recommended to them," said Erskine,
+"from the attorney being so well acquainted 'with the practice of
+bringing in the body!'"
+
+Perhaps one of his smartest puns he relates himself. "A case being laid
+before me by my veteran friend, the Duke of Queensberry--better known as
+'old Q'--as to whether he could sue a tradesman for breach of contract
+about the painting of his house; and the evidence being totally
+insufficient to support the case, I wrote thus: 'I am of opinion that
+this action will not lie unless the witnesses do.'"
+
+He was also fond of a practical joke. In answer to a circular letter
+from Sir John Sinclair, proposing that a testimonial should be presented
+to himself for his eminent public services, Lord Erskine replied:
+
+     "MY DEAR SIR JOHN,--I am certain there are few in this kingdom
+     who set a higher value on your public services than myself;
+     and I have the honour to subscribe"--then, on turning over the
+     leaf, was to be found--"myself, your most obedient faithful
+     servant,
+
+     "ERSKINE."
+
+"Gentlemen of the jury," were his closing words after an impassioned
+address, "the reputation of a cheesemonger in the City of London is like
+the bloom upon a peach. Breathe upon it, and it is gone for ever."
+
+Among many apocryphal stories told of expedients by which smart counsel
+have gained verdicts, this one respecting a case in which Mr. Justice
+Gould was the judge and Erskine counsel for the defendant is least
+likely of credit. The judge entertained a most unfavourable opinion of
+the defendant's case, but being very old was scarcely audible, and
+certainly unintelligible, to the jury. While he was summing up the case,
+Erskine, sitting on the King's Counsel Bench, and full in the view of
+the jury, nodded assent to the various remarks which fell from the
+judge; and the jury, imagining that they had been directed to find for
+the defendant, immediately did so.
+
+When at the Bar, Erskine was always encouraged by the appreciation of
+his brother barristers. On one occasion, when making an unusual exertion
+on behalf of a client, he turned to Mr. Garrow, who was his colleague,
+and not perceiving any sign of approbation on his countenance, he
+whispered to him, "Who do you think can get on with that d--d wet
+blanket face of yours before him."
+
+Nor did he always exhibit graciousness to older members. One nervous old
+barrister named Lamb, who usually prefaced his pleadings with an
+apology, said to Erskine one day that he felt more timid as he grew
+older. "No wonder," replied Erskine, "the older the lamb the more
+sheepish he grows."
+
+When he was Lord Chancellor he was invited to attend the ministerial
+fish dinner at Greenwich--known in later years as the Whitebait
+Dinner--he replied: "To be sure I will attend. What would your fish
+dinner be without the Great Seal?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When a stupid jury returns an obviously wrong verdict the judge must
+feel himself in an awkward position; but in such cases--if they ever
+occur now--a good precedent has been set by Mr. Justice Maule who, when
+in that predicament, addressed the prisoner in these terms:
+
+"Prisoner, your counsel thinks you innocent, the prosecution thinks you
+innocent, and I think you innocent. But a jury of your own
+fellow-countrymen, in the exercise of such common sense as they possess,
+have found you guilty, and it remains that I should pass sentence upon
+you. You will be imprisoned for one day, and as that day was yesterday,
+you are free to go about your business."
+
+"May God strike me dead! my lord, if I did it," excitedly exclaimed a
+prisoner who had been tried before the same justice for a serious
+offence, and a verdict of "guilty" returned by the jury. The judge
+looked grave, and paused an unusually long time before saying a word. At
+last, amid breathless silence, he began: "As Providence has not seen fit
+to interpose in your case, it now becomes my duty to pronounce upon you
+the sentence of the law," &c. When somewhat excited over a very bad case
+tried before him he would delay sentence until he felt calmer, lest his
+impulse or his temper should lead him astray. On one such occasion he
+exclaimed, "I can't pass sentence now. I might be too severe. I feel as
+if I could give the man five-and-twenty years' penal servitude. Bring
+him up to-morrow when I feel calmer."--"Thank you, my lord," said the
+prisoner, "I know you will think better of it in the morning." Next
+day the man appeared in the dock for sentence. "Prisoner," said the
+judge, "I was angry yesterday, but I am calm to-day. I have spent a
+night thinking of your awful deeds, and I find on inquiry I can sentence
+you to penal servitude for life. I therefore pass upon you that
+sentence. I have thought better of what I was inclined to do yesterday."
+
+There are instances of brief summing up of a case by judges, but few in
+the terms expressed by this worthy judge. "If you believe the witnesses
+for the plaintiff, you will find for the defendant; if you believe the
+witnesses for the defendant, you will find for the plaintiff. If, like
+myself, you don't believe any of them, Heaven knows which way you will
+find. Consider your verdict."
+
+To Mr. Justice Maule a witness said: "You may believe me or not, but I
+have stated not a word that is false, for I have been wedded to truth
+from my infancy."--"Yes, sir," said the judge dryly; "but the question
+is, _how long have you been a widower?_"
+
+In the good old days a learned counsel of ferocious mien and loud voice,
+practising before him, received a fine rebuke from the justice. No reply
+could be got from an elderly lady in the box, and the counsel appealed
+to the judge. "I really cannot answer," said the trembling lady. "Why
+not, ma'am?" asked the judge. "Because, my lord, he frightens me
+so."--"So he does me, ma'am," replied the judge.
+
+He was as a rule patient and forbearing, and seldom interfered with
+counsel in their mode of laying cases before a jury or the Bench, but
+once he was fairly provoked to do so, by the confused blundering way in
+which one of them was trying to instil a notion of what he meant into
+the minds of the jury. "I am sorry to interfere, Mr. ----," said the
+judge, "but do you not think that, by introducing a little order into
+your narrative, you might possibly render yourself a trifle more
+intelligible? It may be my fault that I cannot follow you--I know that
+my brain is getting old and dilapidated; but I should like to stipulate
+for some sort of order. There are plenty of them. There is the
+chronological, the botanical, the metaphysical, the geographical--even
+the alphabetical order would be better than no order at all."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Baron Thomson, of the Court of Exchequer, was asked how he got on in his
+Court with the business, when he sat between Chief Baron Macdonald and
+Baron Graham. He replied, "What between snuff-box on one side, and
+chatterbox on the other, we get on pretty well!"
+
+Sir Richard Bethel, Lord Westbury, and Lord Campbell were on very
+friendly terms. An amusing story is told of a meeting of the two in
+Westminster Hall, when the first rumour of Lord Campbell's appointment
+as Lord Chancellor was current. The day being cold for the time of the
+year, Lord Campbell had gone down to the House of Lords in a fur coat,
+and Bethel, observing this, pretended not to recognise him. Thereupon
+Campbell came up to him and said: "Mr. Attorney, don't you know me?"--"I
+beg your pardon, my lord," was the reply. "I mistook you for the _Great
+Seal_."
+
+[Illustration: RICHARD BETHEL, BARON WESTBURY, LORD CHANCELLOR.]
+
+Lord Cranworth, Vice-Chancellor, after hearing Sir Richard Bethel's
+argument in an appeal, said he "would turn the matter over in his mind."
+Sir Richard turning to his junior with his usual bland calm utterance
+said: "Take a note of that; his honour says he will turn it over in what
+he is pleased to call his mind."
+
+Sir James Scarlett, Lord Abinger, had to examine a witness whose
+evidence would be somewhat dangerous unless he was thrown off his guard
+and "rattled." The witness in question--an influential man, whose
+vulnerable point was said to be his self-esteem--was ushered into the
+box, a portly overdressed person, beaming with self-assurance. Looking
+him over for a few minutes without saying a word Sir James opened fire:
+"Mr. Tompkins, I believe?"--"Yes."--"You are a stockbroker, I believe,
+are you not?"--"I ham." Pausing for a few seconds and making an
+attentive survey of him, Sir James remarked sententiously, "And a very
+fine and well-dressed ham you are, sir."
+
+In a breach of promise case Scarlett appeared for the defendant, who was
+supposed to have been cajoled into the engagement by the plaintiff's
+mother, a titled lady. The mother, as a witness, completely baffled the
+defendant's clever counsel when under his cross-examination; but by one
+of his happiest strokes of advocacy, Scarlett turned his failure into
+success. "You saw, gentlemen of the jury, that I was but a child in her
+hands. _What must my client have been?_"
+
+Sir James was a noted cross-examiner and verdict-getter, but on one
+occasion he was beaten. Tom Cooke, a well-known actor and musician in
+his day, was a witness in a case in which Sir James had him under
+cross-examination.
+
+Scarlett: "Sir, you say that the two melodies are the same, but
+different; now what do you mean by that, sir?"
+
+Cooke: "I said that the notes in the two copies are alike, but with a
+different accent."
+
+Scarlett: "What is a musical accent?"
+
+Cooke: "My terms are nine guineas a quarter, sir."
+
+Scarlett (ruffled): "Never mind your terms here. I ask you what is a
+musical accent? Can you see it?"
+
+Cooke: "No."
+
+Scarlett: "Can you feel it?"
+
+Cooke: "A musician can."
+
+Scarlett (angrily): "Now, sir, don't beat about the bush, but explain to
+his lordship and the jury, who are expected to know nothing about music,
+the meaning of what you call accent."
+
+Cooke: "Accent in music is a certain stress laid upon a particular note,
+in the same manner as you would lay stress upon a given word, for the
+purpose of being better understood. For instance, if I were to say, 'You
+are an _ass_,' it rests on ass, but if I were to say, '_You_ are an
+ass,' it rests on you, Sir James." The judge, with as much gravity as he
+could assume, then asked the crestfallen counsel, "Are you satisfied,
+Sir James."--"The witness may go down," was the counsel's reply.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Lord Justice Holt, when a young man, was very dissipated, and belonged
+to a club, most of whose members took an infamous course of life. When
+his lordship was engaged at the Old Baily a man was convicted of highway
+robbery, whom the judge remembered to have been one of his early
+companions. Moved by curiosity, Holt, thinking the man did not recognise
+him, asked what had become of his old associates. The culprit making a
+low bow, and giving a deep sigh, replied, "Oh, my lord, they are all
+hanged but your lordship and I."
+
+We have already given examples of personalities in the retorts of
+counsel upon members of the Bench, and if the same derogatory reflection
+can be traced in the two following anecdotes of judges' retorts on
+counsel, it is at least veiled in finer sarcasm. A nervous young
+barrister was conducting a first case before Vice-Chancellor Bacon, and
+on rising to make his opening remarks began in a faint voice: "My lord,
+I must apologise--er--I must apologise, my lord"--"Go on, sir," said his
+lordship blandly; "so far the Court is with you." The other comes from
+an Australian Court. Counsel was addressing Chief Justice Holroyd when a
+portion of the plaster of the Court ceiling fell, and he stopping his
+speech for the moment, incautiously advanced the suggestion, "Dry rot
+has probably been the cause of that, my lord."--"I am quite of your
+opinion, Mr. ----," observed his lordship.
+
+On the other hand, judges can be severely personal at times, and Lord
+Justice Chitty was almost brutal in a case where counsel had been
+arguing to distraction on a bill of sale. "I will now proceed to address
+myself to the furniture--an item covered by the bill," counsel
+continued. "You have been doing nothing else for the last hour,"
+lamented the weary judge.
+
+And Mr. Justice Wills once made a rather cutting remark to a barrister.
+The barrister was, in the judge's private opinion, simply wasting the
+time of the Court, and, in the course of a long-winded speech, he dwelt
+at quite unnecessary length on the appearance of certain bags connected
+with the case. "They might," he went on pompously, "they might have been
+full bags, or they might have been half-filled bags, or they might even
+have been empty bags, or--."--"Or perhaps," dryly interpolated the
+judge, "they might have been wind-bags!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HENRY BROUGHAM, BARON BROUGHAM AND VAUX, LORD
+CHANCELLOR.]
+
+When Lord Brougham attained the position of Lord Chancellor he was
+greatly addicted to the habit of writing during the course of counsel's
+argument of the case being heard before him. On one occasion this
+practice so annoyed Sir Edward Sugden, whenever he noticed it, that he
+paused in the course of his argument, expecting his lordship to stop
+writing; but the Chancellor, without even looking up, remarked, "Go on,
+Sir Edward; I am listening to you."--"I observe that your lordship is
+engaged in writing, and not favouring me with your attention," replied
+Sir Edward. "I am signing papers of mere form," warmly retorted the
+Chancellor. "You may as well say that I am not to blow my nose or take
+snuff while you speak."
+
+When counsel at the Bar, a witness named John Labron was thus
+cross-examined by Brougham at York Assizes:
+
+"What are you?"
+
+"I am a farmer, and malt a little."
+
+"Do you know Dick Strother?"
+
+"No."
+
+"Upon your oath, sir, are you not generally known by the name of Dick
+Strother?"
+
+"That has nothing to do with this business."
+
+"I insist upon hearing an answer. Have you not obtained that name?"
+
+"I am sometimes called so."
+
+"Now, Dick, as you admit you are so called, do you know the story of the
+hare and the ball of wax?"
+
+"I have heard it."
+
+"Then pray have the goodness to relate it to the judge and the jury."
+
+"I do not exactly remember it."
+
+"Then I will refresh your memory by relating it myself. Dick Strother
+was a cobbler, and being in want of a hare for a friend, he put in his
+pocket a ball of wax and took a walk into the fields, where he soon
+espied one. Dick then very dexterously threw the ball of wax at her
+head, where it stuck, which so alarmed poor puss that in the violence of
+her haste she ran in contact with the head of another; both stuck fast
+together, and Dick, lucky Dick! caught both. Dick obtained great
+celebrity by telling this wondrous feat, which he always affirmed as a
+truth, and from that every notorious liar in Thorner bears the title
+of Dick Strother. Now, Dick--I mean John--is not that the reason why you
+are called Dick Strother?"
+
+"It may be so."
+
+"Then you may go."
+
+The same turbulent spirit (Lord Brougham) fell foul of many other law
+lords. It is well known that in a speech made at the Temple he accused
+Lord Campbell, who had just published his _Lives of the Chancellors_, of
+adding a new terror to death. Lord Campbell tells an amusing story which
+shows that he could retort with effect upon his noble and learned
+friend. He says that he called one morning upon Brougham at his house in
+Grafton Street, who "soon rushed in very eagerly, but suddenly stopped
+short, exclaiming, 'Lord bless me, is it you? They told me it was
+Stanley'; and notwithstanding his accustomed frank and courteous manner,
+I had some difficulty in fixing his attention. In the evening I stepped
+across the House to the Opposition Bench, where Brougham and Stanley
+were sitting next each other, and, addressing the latter in the hearing
+of the former, I said, 'Has our noble and learned friend told you the
+disappointment he suffered this morning? He thought he had a visit from
+the Leader of the Protectionists to offer him the Great Seal, and it
+turned out to be only Campbell come to bore him about a point of Scotch
+law.' _Brougham_: 'Don't mind what Jack Campbell says; he has a
+prescriptive privilege to tell lies of all Chancellors, dead and
+living.'"
+
+According to the same authority, Brougham was at one time very anxious
+to be made an earl, but his desire was entirely quenched when Lord John
+Russell gave an earldom to Lord Chancellor Cottenham. He is said to have
+been so indignant that he either wrote or dictated a pamphlet in which
+the new creation was ridiculed, and to which was appended the
+significant motto, "The offence is rank."
+
+The common feeling with regard to Sir James Scarlett's (Lord Abinger)
+success in gaining verdicts led to the composition of the following
+pleasantry, attributed to Lord Campbell. "Whereas Scarlett had contrived
+a machine, by using which, while he argued, he could make the judges'
+heads nod with pleasure, Brougham in course of time got hold of it; but
+not knowing how to manage it when he argued, the judges, instead of
+nodding, shook their heads."
+
+And it is Lord Campbell who has preserved the following specimen of a
+judge's concluding remarks to a prisoner convicted of uttering a forged
+one-pound note. After having pointed out to him the enormity of the
+offence, and exhorted him to prepare for another world, added: "And I
+trust that through the merits and the mediation of our Blessed Redeemer,
+you may there experience that mercy which a due regard to the _credit
+of the paper currency_ of the country forbids you to hope for here."
+
+Campbell married Miss Scarlett, a daughter of Lord Abinger, and was
+absent from Court when a case in which he was to appear was called
+before Mr. Justice Abbot. "I thought, Mr. Brougham," said his lordship,
+"that Mr. Campbell was in this case?"--"Yes, my lord," replied Mr.
+Brougham, with that sarcastic look peculiarly his own. "He was, my lord,
+but I understand he is ill."--"I am sorry to hear that, Mr. Brougham,"
+said the judge. "My lord," replied Mr. Brougham, "it is whispered here
+that the cause of my learned friend's absence is scarlet fever."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: JOHN CAMPBELL, BARON CAMPBELL, LORD CHANCELLOR.]
+
+In his native town of Cupar, Fife, Lord Chancellor Campbell's abilities
+and position were not so much appreciated as they were elsewhere. This
+was a sore point with his father, who was parish minister, and when the
+son was not selected by the town authorities to conduct their legal
+business in London the future Lord Chancellor also felt affronted. On
+the publication of the _Lives of the Chancellors_ some of his townsmen
+wrote asking him to present a copy to the local library of his native
+town, which gave Campbell an opportunity to square accounts with them
+for their past neglect of him, for he curtly replied to their request
+that "they could purchase the book from any bookseller." An old lady of
+the town relating some gossip about the Campbell family said, "They
+meant John for the Church, but he went to London _and got on very
+well_." Such was the good lady's idea of the relative positions of
+minister of a Scottish parish and Lord Chancellor of England.
+
+The difference in the pronunciation of a word led to an amiable contest
+between Lord Campbell and a learned Q.C. In an action to recover damages
+to a carriage the counsel called the vehicle a "brougham," pronouncing
+both syllables of the word. Lord Campbell pompously observed, "Broom is
+the usual pronunciation--a carriage of the kind you mean is not
+incorrectly called a 'Broom'--that pronunciation is open to no grave
+objection, and it has the advantage of saving the time consumed by
+uttering an extra syllable." Later in the trial Lord Campbell alluding
+to a similar case referred to the carriage which had been injured as an
+"Omnibus."--"Pardon me, my lord," interposed the Q.C., "a carriage of
+the kind to which you draw attention is usually termed a 'bus'; that
+pronunciation is open to no grave objection, and it has the great
+advantage of saving the time consumed by uttering _two_ extra
+syllables."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SIR SAMUEL MARTIN, BARON OF EXCHEQUER.]
+
+Mr. Martin (afterwards Baron Martin), when at the Bar, was addressing
+the Court in an insurance case, when he was interrupted by Baron
+Alderson, who said, "Mr. Martin, do you think any office would insure
+your life?"--"Certainly, my lord," replied Mr. Martin, "mine is a very
+good life."--"You should remember, Mr. Martin, that yours is brief
+existence."
+
+This judge's reason for releasing a juryman from duty was equally smart.
+The juryman in question confessed that he was deaf in one ear. "Then
+leave the box before the trial begins," observed his lordship; "it is
+necessary that the jurymen should hear _both_ sides."
+
+Baron Martin was one of the good-natured judges who from the following
+story seem to stretch that amiable quality to its fullest extent. In
+sentencing a man convicted of a petty theft he said: "Look, I hardly
+know what to do with you, but you can take six months."--"I can't take
+that, my lord," said the prisoner; "it's too much. I can't take it; your
+lordship sees I did not steal very much after all." The Baron indulged
+in one of his characteristic chuckling laughs, and said: "Well that's
+vera true; ye didn't steal _much_. Well then, ye can tak' _four_. Will
+that do--four months?"--"No, my lord, but I can't take that
+neither."--"Then take _three_."--"That's nearer the mark, my lord,"
+replied the prisoner, "but I'd rather you'd make it _two_, if you'll be
+so kind."--"Very well then, tak' two," said the judge; "and don't come
+again. If you do, I'll give you--well, it'll all depend."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: FREDERICK THESIGER, BARON CHELMSFORD, LORD CHANCELLOR.]
+
+Lord Erskine's punning upon legal terms has already been noticed, but no
+better quip is recorded than that of Lord Chelmsford, when as Sir
+Frederick Thesiger, and a leader at the Bar, he took exception to the
+irregular examination of a witness by a learned serjeant. "I have a
+right," maintained the serjeant, "to deal with my witness as I
+please."--"To that I offer no objection," retorted Sir Frederick. "You
+may _deal_ as you like, but you shan't _lead_."
+
+On all occasions Samuel Warren, the author of _Ten Thousand a Year_, was
+given to boasting, at the Bar mess, of his intimacy with members of the
+peerage. One day he was saying that, while dining lately at the Duke of
+Leeds, he was surprised at finding no fish of any kind was served. "That
+is easily accounted for," said Thesiger; "they had probably eaten it all
+_upstairs_."
+
+Walking down St. James's Street one day, Lord Chelmsford was accosted by
+a stranger, who exclaimed, "Mr. Birch, I believe."--"If you believe
+that, sir, you'll believe anything," replied his lordship as he passed
+on.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SIR ALEXANDER COCKBURN, BART., LORD CHIEF JUSTICE.]
+
+In the recently published _Cockburn Family Records_ the following is
+told of the Chief Justice's ready wit:
+
+"At a certain trial an extremely pretty girl was called as a witness.
+The Lord Chief Justice was very particular about her giving her full
+name and address. Of course he took note. So did the sheriff's officer!
+That evening they both arrived at the young lady's door simultaneously,
+whereupon Sir Alexander tapped the officer on the shoulder, remarking,
+'No, no, no, Mr. Sheriff's Officer, judgment first, execution
+afterwards!'"
+
+There never was a barrister whose rise at the Bar was more rapid or
+remarkable than that of Sir Alexander Cockburn, and along with him was
+his friend and close associate as a brother lawyer of the Crown and
+Bencher of the same Inn, Sir Richard Bethel, who became Lord Chancellor
+a few years after Sir Alexander was made Chief Justice. Sir Richard once
+said to his colleague, "My dear fellow, equity will swallow up your
+common law."--"I don't know about that," said Sir Alexander, "but you'll
+find it rather hard of digestion."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Although the wit of Lord Justice Knight Bruce was somewhat sarcastic it
+was rarely so severe as that of Lord Westbury. There was always a tone
+of good humour about it. He had indeed a kind of grave judicial waggery,
+which is well exemplified in the following judgment in a separation suit
+between an attorney and his wife. "The Court has been now for several
+days occupied in the matrimonial quarrels of a solicitor and his wife.
+He was a man not unaccustomed to the ways of the softer sex, for he
+already had nine children by three successive wives. She,
+however--herself a widow--was well informed of these antecedents; and it
+appears did not consider them any objection to their union; and they
+were married. No sooner were they united, however, than they were
+unhappily disunited by unhappy disputes as to her property. These
+disputes disturbed even the period usually dedicated to the softer
+delights of matrimony, and the honeymoon was occupied by endeavours to
+induce her to exercise a testamentary power of appointment in his
+favour. She, however, refused, and so we find that in due course, at the
+end of the month, he brought home with some disgust his still intestate
+bride. The disputes continued, until at last they exchanged the
+irregular quarrels of domestic strife for the more disciplined warfare
+of Lincoln's Inn and Doctors Commons."
+
+Of this judge the story is told that a Chancery counsel in a long and
+dry argument quoted the legal maxim--_expressio unius est exclusio
+alterius_--pronouncing the "i" in _unius_ as short as possible. This
+roused his lordship from the drowsiness into which he had been lulled.
+"Unyus! Mr. ----? We always pronounced that _unius_ at school."--"Oh
+yes, my lord," replied the counsel; "but some of the poets use it short
+for the sake of the metre."--"You forget, Mr. ----," rejoined the
+judge, "that we are prosing here."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. Justice Willes was a judge of kindly disposition, and when he had to
+convey a rebuke he did so in some delicate and refined way like this. A
+young barrister feeling in a hobble, wished to get out of it by saying,
+"I throw myself on your lordship's hands."--"Mr. ----, I decline the
+burden," replied the learned judge.
+
+One day in judge's chambers, after being pressed by counsel very
+strongly against his own views, he said with quaint humour: "I'm one of
+the most obstinate men in the world."--"God forbid that I should be so
+rude as to contradict your lordship," replied the counsel.
+
+Mr. Montague Williams in his _Leaves of a Life_ relates the following
+story of Mr. Justice Byles. He was once hearing a case in which a woman
+was charged with causing the death of her child by not giving it proper
+food, or treating it with the necessary care. Mr. F----, of the Western
+Circuit, conducted the defence, and while addressing the jury said:
+
+"Gentlemen, it appears to be impossible that the prisoner can have
+committed this crime. A mother guilty of such conduct to her own child?
+Why, it is repugnant to our better feelings"; and then being carried
+away by his own eloquence, he proceeded: "Gentlemen, the beasts of the
+field, the birds of the air, suckle their young, and----"
+
+But at this point the learned judge interrupted him, and said:
+
+"Mr. F----, if you establish the latter part of your proposition, your
+client will be acquitted to a certainty."
+
+And to the same authority we are indebted for a judge's gentle but
+sarcastic reproof of a prosing counsel. In an action for false
+imprisonment, heard before Mr. Justice Wightman, Ribton was addressing
+the jury at great length, repeating himself constantly, and never giving
+the slightest sign of winding up. When he had been pounding away for
+several hours, the good old judge interposed, and said: "Mr. Ribton,
+you've said that before."--"Have I, my lord?" said Ribton; "I'm very
+sorry. I quite forgot it."--"Don't apologise, Mr. Ribton," was the
+answer. "I forgive you; for it was a very long time ago."
+
+A very old story is told of a highwayman who sent for a solicitor and
+inquired what steps were necessary to be taken to have his trial
+deferred. The solicitor answered that he would require to get a doctor's
+affidavit of his illness. This was accordingly done in the following
+manner: "The deponent verily believes that if the said ---- is obliged
+to take his trial at the ensuing sessions, he will be in imminent danger
+of his life."--"I verily believe so too," replied the judge, and the
+trial proceeded immediately.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Some judges profess ignorance of slang terms used in evidence, and seek
+explanation from counsel. Lord Coleridge in the following story had his
+inquiry not only answered but illustrated. A witness was describing an
+animated conversation between the pursuer and defendant in a case and
+said: "Then the defendant turned and said, 'If 'e didn't 'owld 'is noise
+'ed knock 'im off 'is peark.'"--"Peark? Mr. Shee, what is meant by
+peark?" asked the Lord Chief Justice. "Oh, peark, my lord, is any
+position when a man elevates himself above his fellows--for instance, a
+bench, my lord."
+
+Another story illustrating this alleged ignorance of every-day terms
+used by the masses comes from the Scottish Court of Session. In this
+instance the explanation was volunteered by the witness who used the
+term. One of the counsel in the case was Mr. (now Lord) Dewar, who was
+cross-examining the witness on a certain incident, and drew from him the
+statement that he (the witness) had just had a "nip." "A nip," said the
+judge; "what is a nip?"--"Only a small Dewar, my lord," explained the
+witness.
+
+Lord Russell of Killowen, himself a Lord Chief Justice, tells some
+amusing stories of Lord Coleridge in his interesting reminiscences of
+that great judge in the _North American Review_. When at the Bar he was
+counsel in a remarkable case--Saurin against Starr. The pursuer, an
+Irish lady, sued the Superior of a religious order at Hull for expulsion
+without reasonable cause. Mr. Coleridge cross-examined a Mrs. Kennedy,
+one of the superintendents of the convent, who had mentioned in her
+evidence, among other peccadilloes of the pursuer, that she had been
+found in the pantry eating strawberries, when she should have been
+attending some class duties.
+
+Mr. Coleridge: "Eating strawberries, really!"
+
+Mrs. Kennedy: "Yes, sir, she was eating strawberries."
+
+Mr. Coleridge: "How shocking!"
+
+Mrs. Kennedy: "It was forbidden, sir."
+
+Mr. Coleridge: "And did you, Mrs. Kennedy, really consider there was any
+great harm in that?"
+
+Mrs. Kennedy: "No, sir, not in itself, any more than there was harm in
+eating an apple; but you know, sir, the mischief that came from that."
+
+When as Lord Chief Justice, Lord Coleridge visited the United States, he
+was continually pestered by interviewers, and one of them failing to
+draw him, began to disparage the old country in its physical features
+and its men. Lord Coleridge bore it all in good part; finally the
+interviewer said, "I am told, my lord, you think a great deal of your
+great fire of London. Well, I guess, that the conflagration we had in
+the little village of Chicago made your great fire look very small." To
+which his lordship blandly responded: "Sir, I have every reason to
+believe that the great fire of London was quite as great as the people
+of that time desired."
+
+There are few of Lord Bowen's witticisms from the Bench in circulation,
+but his after-dinner stories are worth recording, and perhaps one of the
+best is that given in _Anecdotes of the Bench and Bar_, as told by
+himself in the following words: "One of the ancient rabbinical writers
+was engaged in compiling a history of the minor prophets, and in due
+course it became his duty to record the history of the prophet Daniel.
+In speaking of the most striking incident in the great man's career--I
+refer to his critical position in the den of lions--he made a remark
+which has always seemed to me replete with judgment and observation. He
+said that the prophet, notwithstanding the trying circumstances in which
+he was placed, had one consolation which has sometimes been forgotten.
+He had the consolation of knowing that when the dreadful banquet was
+over, at any rate it was not he who would be called upon to return
+thanks."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The following story cannot be classed a witticism from the Bench, but
+the judge clearly gave the opening for the lady's smart retort.
+
+Mrs. Weldon, a well-known lady litigant in the Courts a generation ago,
+was on one occasion endeavouring in the Court of Appeal to upset a
+judgment of Vice-Chancellor Bacon, and one ground of complaint was that
+the judge was too old to understand her case. Thereupon Lord Esher said:
+"The last time you were here you complained that your case had been
+tried by my brother Bowen, and you said he was only a bit of a boy, and
+could not do you justice. Now you come here and say that my brother
+Bacon was too old. What age do you want the judge to be?"--"Your age,"
+promptly replied Mrs. Weldon, fixing her bright eyes on the handsome
+countenance of the Master of the Rolls.
+
+On Charles Phillips, who became a judge of the Insolvent Court, noticing
+a witness kiss his thumb instead of the Testament, after rebuking him
+said, "You may think to _desave_ God, sir, but you won't desave me."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SIR HENRY HAWKINS, LORD BRAMPTON.]
+
+That racy and turf-attending judge, Lord Brampton, better known as Sir
+Henry Hawkins, tells many good stories of himself in his
+_Reminiscences_, but it is the unconscious humorist of Marylebone Police
+Court who records this _bon mot_ of Sir Henry.
+
+An old woman in the witness-box had been rattling on in the most voluble
+manner, until it was impossible to make head or tail of her evidence.
+Mr. Justice Hawkins, thinking he would try his hand, began with a
+soothing question, but the old woman would not have it at any price. She
+replied testily, "It's no use you bothering me. I have told you all I
+know."--"That may be," replied his lordship, "but the question rather
+is, do you know all you have told us?"
+
+When Sir Henry (then Mr.) Hawkins was prosecuting counsel in the
+Tichborne trial, over which Lord Chief Justice Cockburn presided, an
+amusing incident is recorded by Mr. Plowden. The antecedents of a man
+who had given sensational evidence for the claimant were being inquired
+into, and in answer to Sir Henry the witness under examination said he
+knew the man to be married, but his wife passed under another name.
+"What name?" asked Mr. Hawkins. "Mrs. Hawkins," replied the witness.
+"What was her maiden name?" added Mr. Hawkins. "Cockburn." Such a
+coincident of names naturally caused hearty and prolonged laughter.
+
+In the course of this celebrated trial another amusing incident occurred
+which Sir Henry used to tell against himself. One morning as the
+claimant came into Court, a lady dressed in deep mourning presented
+Orton with a tract. After a few minutes he wrote something on it, and
+had it passed on to the prosecuting counsel. The tract was boldly headed
+in black type, "Sinner--Repent," and the claimant had written upon it,
+"Surely this must have been meant for Hawkins."
+
+Not long after he had ascended the Bench Mr. Justice Hawkins was hearing
+a case in which a man was being tried for murder. The counsel for the
+prosecution observed the prisoner say something earnestly to the
+policeman seated by his side in the dock, and asked that the constable
+should be made to disclose what had passed. "Yes," said his lordship, "I
+think you may demand that. Constable, inform the Court what passed
+between you and the prisoner."--"I--I would rather not, your lordship. I
+was--."--"Never mind what you would rather not do. Inform the Court what
+the prisoner said."--"He asked me, your lordship, who that hoary heathen
+with the sheepskin was, as he had often seen him at the
+race-course."--"That will do," said his lordship. "Proceed with the
+case."
+
+An action for damages against a fire insurance company, brought by some
+Jews, was heard before Chief Justice Cockburn, which clearly was a
+fraudulent claim. The plaintiffs claimed for loss of ready-made clothes
+in the fire. Hawkins, who appeared for the defendant company, elicited
+the fact that ready-made clothes in this firm had all brass buttons as a
+rule; and, further, that after sifting the debris of the fire no buttons
+had been found. The trial was not concluded on that day, but on the
+following morning hundreds of buttons partially burnt were brought into
+Court by the Jew plaintiffs. Cockburn was not long in appreciating this
+mode of furnishing evidence after its necessity had been pointed out,
+and he asked: "How do you account for these buttons, Mr. Hawkins? You
+said none were found."--"Up to last night none had been found," replied
+Hawkins. "But," said the Chief Justice--"but these buttons have
+evidently been burnt in the fire. How do they come here?"--"_On their
+own shanks_," was Hawkins' smart and ready reply. Verdict for
+defendants.
+
+The alibi has come in for its fair share of jests. Sir Henry Hawkins
+relates in his _Reminiscences_ how he once found the following in his
+brief: "If the case is called on before 3.15, the defence is left to the
+ingenuity of the counsel; if after that hour, the defence is an alibi,
+as by then the usual alibi witnesses will have returned from Norwich,
+where they are at present professionally engaged."
+
+Sitting as a vacation judge, Sir Walter Phillimore, whose views on the
+law of divorce are well known, protested against being called on to make
+absolute a number of decrees _nisi_ granted in the Divorce Division.
+This fact is said to have called forth a witty pronouncement by a late
+president of that Division of the Courts. "Here is my brother
+Phillimore, who objects to making decrees _nisi_ absolute because he
+believes in the sanctity of the marriage tie. By and by we may be having
+a Unitarian appointed to the Bench, and he will refuse to try Admiralty
+suits, as he would have to sit with Trinity Masters."
+
+In sentencing a burglar recently, the judge referred to him as a
+"professional," to which the prisoner strongly protested from the dock.
+"Here," he exclaimed, "I dunno wot you mean by callin' me a professional
+burglar. I've only done it once before, an' I've been nabbed both
+times." The judge, in the most suave manner, replied, "Oh, I did not
+mean to say that you had been very successful in your profession."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE HON. MR JUSTICE GRANTHAM, JUDGE OF THE KING'S BENCH
+DIVISION.]
+
+Mr. Justice Grantham had a keen sense of humour. On one occasion, when
+he was judge at the Newcastle Assizes, he left the mansion-house where
+he was staying, at night, to post his letters. As he was wearing a cap
+he was not recognised by the police officer who was on duty outside, and
+the constable inquired of his lordship if "the old ---- had gone to bed
+yet." The judge replied that he thought not, and a short while after he
+had returned to the house he raised his bedroom window, and putting out
+his head called to the constable below: "Officer, the old ---- is just
+going to bed now."
+
+[Illustration: THE HON. MR JUSTICE DARLING, JUDGE OF THE KING'S BENCH
+DIVISION.]
+
+Hardly a case of any importance comes into Mr. Justice Darling's Court
+without attracting a large attendance of the public, as much from
+expectation of being entertained by the repartees between Bench and Bar
+as from interest in the proceedings before the Court. In a recent turf
+libel case his lordship gave a free rein to his proclivity to give an
+amusing turn to statements of both counsel and witnesses. At one point
+he intervened by remarking that other witnesses than the one under
+examination had said that a horse is made fit by running on the course
+before he is expected to win a position, and added, "That is so, not
+only on the race-course. You can never make a good lawyer by putting him
+to read in the library." To which the defendant, who conducted his own
+case, replied, "But I take it a barrister does try."--"You have no
+notion how he tries the judge," responded Mr. Justice Darling. In the
+same case a question arose as to whether the stewards of the Jockey Club
+had the power to check riding "short," as it is termed, and the Justice
+inquired if the stewards could say, "You must ride with a leather of a
+prescribed length," and got the answer, "Yes; they could say if you
+don't ride longer we won't give you a license."--"Which means," said the
+judge, "if you don't ride longer you won't ride long."
+
+"Who made the translation from the German?" asked the same judge,
+regarding a document to which counsel had referred. "God knows; I
+don't," was the reply of Mr. Danckwerts. "Are you sure," responded the
+Justice, "that what is not known to you is known at all?"
+
+Perhaps Mr. Justice Darling never raised heartier laughter than in an
+action some years ago where the issue was whether the plaintiff, who had
+been engaged by the defendant to sing in "potted opera" at a music-hall,
+was competent to fulfil his contract.
+
+"Well, he could not sing like the archangel Gabriel," a witness had
+said, in reply to Mr. Duke, K. C.
+
+"I have never heard the archangel Gabriel," commented the eminent
+counsel.
+
+"That, Mr. Duke, is a pleasure to come," was his lordship's swift, if
+gently sarcastic, rejoinder.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If witnesses occasionally undergo severe handling in cross-examination
+by counsel, there are also occasions when their ready reply has rather
+nonplussed the judge.
+
+A case was being tried at York before Mr. Justice Gould. When it had
+proceeded for upwards of two hours the judge observed that there were
+only eleven jurymen in the box, and inquired where the twelfth man was.
+"Please you, my lord," said one of them, "he has gone away about some
+business, but he has left his verdict with me."
+
+"How old are you?" asked the judge of a lady witness.
+"Thirty."--"Thirty!" said the judge; "I have heard you give the same age
+in this Court for the last three years."--"Yes," responded the lady; "I
+am not one of those persons who say one thing to-day and another
+to-morrow."
+
+Mr. Justice Keating one day had occasion to examine a witness who
+stuttered very much in giving his evidence. "I believe," said his
+lordship, "you are a very great rogue."--"Not so great a rogue as you,
+my lord--t--t--t--t--take me to be," was the reply.
+
+Judge: "Is this your signature?"
+
+Witness: "I don't know."
+
+Judge: "Look at it carefully."
+
+Witness: "I can't say for certain."
+
+Judge: "Is it anything like your writing?"
+
+Witness: "I don't think it is."
+
+Judge: "Can't you identify it?"
+
+Witness: "Not quite."
+
+Judge: "Well, let me see, just write your name here and I will examine
+the two signatures."
+
+Witness: "I can't write, sir."
+
+Medical men are not as a rule the best witnesses, being too fond of
+using technical words peculiar to them in their own profession. In an
+action for assault tried by a Derbyshire common jury before Mr. Justice
+Patteson, a surgical witness was asked to describe the injuries the
+plaintiff had received; he stated he had "ecchymosis" of the left eye.
+Upon the judge inquiring whether that did not mean what was commonly
+understood by a black eye, the witness answered: "Yes."--"Then why did
+you not say so, sir? What do the jury know of 'ecchymosis'? They might
+think, as the farmer did of the word 'felicity,' used by a clergyman in
+his sermon, that it meant something in the inside of a pig."
+
+A notorious thief, being tried for his life, confessed the robbery he
+was charged with. The judge thereupon directed the jury to find him
+guilty upon his own confession. The jury having consulted together
+brought him in "Not guilty." The judge bade them consider their verdict
+again, but still they brought in a verdict of "Not guilty." The judge
+asking the reason, the foreman replied: "There is reason enough, for we
+all know him to be one of the greatest liars in the country."
+
+"Have you committed all these crimes?" asked the judge of a hoary old
+sinner. "Yes, my lord, and worse." "Worse, I should have thought it
+impossible. What have you done then?"--"My lord, I allowed myself to be
+caught."
+
+"I knows yer," said a prisoner to the present Lord Chief Justice, "and
+many's the time I've given yer a hand when ye've been stepping it round
+the track like a greyhound. So let's down lightly, like a good cove as
+yer are."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The retort of a witness to Lord Avory was too good to be soon forgotten,
+and is still circulating among the juniors of the law-courts. "Let me
+see," said his lordship, "you have been convicted before, haven't
+you?"--"Yes, sir," answered the man; "but it was due to the incapacity
+of my counsel rather than to any fault on my part."--"It always is,"
+said Lord Avory, with a grim smile, "and you have my sincere
+sympathy."--"And I deserve it," retorted the man, "seeing that you were
+my counsel on that occasion!"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER TWO
+
+THE BARRISTERS OF ENGLAND
+
+
+    "Hark the hour of ten is sounding!
+    Hearts with anxious fears are bounding;
+    Hall of Justice crowds surrounding,
+        Breathing hope and fear.
+    For to-day in this arena
+    Summoned by a stern subpoena,
+    Edwin sued by Angelina
+        Shortly will appear."
+
+    Sir W. S. GILBERT: _Trial by Jury_.
+
+
+    "As your Solicitor, I should have no hesitation in saying:
+    Chance it----"
+
+    Sir W. S. GILBERT: _The Mikado_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER TWO
+
+THE BARRISTERS OF ENGLAND
+
+
+From the middle of the thirteenth century the senior rank to which a
+barrister could attain at the Bar was that of serjeant-at-law, and from
+that body, which existed until 1875, the judges were selected. If a
+barrister below the rank of serjeant was invited to take a seat on the
+Bench he invariably conformed to the recognised custom and "took the
+coif"--became a serjeant-at-law--before he was sworn as one of his (or
+her) Majesty's judges. This explains the term "brother" applied by
+judges when addressing serjeants pleading before them in Court. "Taking
+the coif" had a curious origin. It was customary in very early times for
+the clergy to add to their clerical duties that of a legal practitioner,
+by which considerable fees were obtained, and when the Canon law forbade
+them engaging in all secular occupations the remuneration they had
+obtained from the law-courts proved too strong a temptation to evade the
+new law. They continued therefore to practise in the Courts, and to hide
+their clerical identity they concealed the tonsure by covering the upper
+part of their heads with a black cap or coif. When ultimately clerical
+barristers were driven from the law-courts, the "coif" or black patch on
+the crown of a barrister's wig became the symbol of the rank of
+serjeant-at-law. That this distinguishing mark has been, in later years,
+occasionally misunderstood is illustrated in the story of Serjeant
+Allen and Sir Henry Keating, Q.C., who were opposed to one another in a
+case before the Assize Court at Stafford. During the hearing of the case
+a violent altercation had taken place between them, but when the Court
+rose they left the building together, walking amicably to their
+lodgings. Two men who had been in Court and had heard their wrangle were
+following behind them, when one said to the other: "If you was in
+trouble, Bill, which o' them two tip-top 'uns would you have to defend
+you?"--"Well, Jim," was the reply, "I should pitch upon this 'un,"
+pointing to the Q.C. "Then you'd be a fool," said his companion; "the
+fellow with the _sore head_ is worth six of t'other 'un."
+
+There used to be a student joke against the serjeants. "Why is a
+serjeant's speech like a tailor's goose?"--"Because it is hot and
+heavy."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Taking silk," or becoming a K.C. and a senior at the Bar, originated at
+a much later date than that of serjeant-at-law. Lord Bacon was the first
+to be recognised as Queen's Counsel, but this distinction arose from his
+position as legal adviser to Queen Elizabeth, and did not indicate the
+existence of a senior body (as K.C. does now) among the barristers of
+that period. The institution of the rank dates from the days of Charles
+II, when Sir Francis North, Lord Guildford, was created King's Counsel
+by a writ issued under the Great Seal. As was customary in the case of a
+barrister proposing to "take the coif," so in that of one proposing to
+"take silk"; he intimates to the seniors already holding the rank that
+he intends to apply for admission to the body. A story is current in the
+Temple that when Mr. Justice Eve "took silk" the usual notification of
+his intention was sent to the seniors, and from one of them he received
+the following reply: "My dear Eve, whether you wear silk or a fig-leaf,
+I do not care.--A Dam."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Our selection of facetiae of the English Bar, therefore, naturally opens
+with stories of the serjeants-at-law, and one of the best-known members
+of that body in early days was Serjeant Hill, a celebrated lawyer, who
+was also somewhat remarkable for absence of mind, which was attributed
+to the earnestness with which he devoted himself to his professional
+duties.
+
+On the very day when he was married, he had an intricate case on hand,
+and forgot his engagement, until reminded of his waiting bride, and that
+the legal time for performing the ceremony had nearly elapsed. He then
+quitted law for the church; after the ceremony, the serjeant returned to
+his books and his papers, having forgotten the _cause_ he had been
+engaged in during the morning, until again reminded by his clerk that
+the assembled company impatiently awaited his presence at dinner.
+
+Being once on Circuit, and having occasion to refer to a law authority,
+he had recourse, as usual, to his bag; but, to the astonishment of the
+Court, instead of a volume of Viner's abridgment, he took out a specimen
+candlestick, the property of a Birmingham traveller, whose bag Serjeant
+Hill had brought into Court by mistake.
+
+A learned serjeant kept the Court waiting one morning for a few minutes.
+The business of the Court commenced at nine. "Brother," said the judge,
+"you are behind your time this morning. The Court has been waiting for
+you."--"I beg your lordship's pardon," replied the serjeant; "I am
+afraid I was longer than usual in dressing."--"Oh," returned the judge,
+"I can dress in five minutes at any time."--"Indeed!" said the learned
+brother, a little surprised for the moment; "but in that my dog Shock
+beats your lordship hollow, for he has nothing to do but to shake his
+coat, and thinks himself fit for any company."
+
+Serjeant Davy, when at the height of his professional career, once
+received a large brief on which a fee of two guineas only was marked on
+the back. His client asked him if he had read the brief. Pointing with
+his finger to the fee, Davy replied: "As far as that I have read, and
+for the life of me I can read no further." Of the same eminent serjeant
+in his earlier years an Old Baily story is told. Judge Gould, who
+presided, asked: "Who is concerned for the prisoner?"--"I am concerned
+for him, my lord," said Davy, "and very much concerned after what I have
+just heard."
+
+If Serjeant Davy was concerned about his client, Serjeant Miller had no
+such scruple about the man charged with horse stealing whom he
+successfully defended, although the evidence convinced the judge and
+everybody in the Court that there ought to have been a conviction. When
+the trial was over and the prisoner had been acquitted, the judge said
+to him: "Prisoner, luckily for you, you have been found Not Guilty by
+the jury, but you know perfectly well you stole that horse. You may as
+well tell the truth, as no harm can happen to you now by a confession,
+for you cannot be tried again. Now tell me, did you not steal that
+horse?" "Well, my lord," replied the man, "I always thought I did, until
+I heard my counsel's speech, but now I begin to think I didn't."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In the days of "riding" and "driving circuit," and even later, the
+Circuit mess was a very popular institution with circuiteers, and was
+made the occasion of much merriment. After the table had been cleared a
+fictitious charge would be made against one of the barristers present,
+and a mock tribunal was immediately constituted before which he was
+arraigned and his case duly set forth with all solemnity. The victim was
+invariably fined--generally in wine, which had to be paid at once, and
+consumed before the company retired to bed. On one such occasion
+Serjeant Prime, who is represented as a good-natured but rather dull
+man, and as a barrister wearisome beyond comparison, was engaged in an
+important case in an over-crowded courtroom. He had been speaking for
+three hours, when a boy, seated on a beam above the heads of the
+audience, overcome by the heat and the serjeant's monotonous tones, fell
+asleep, and, losing his balance, tumbled down on the people below. The
+incident was made the subject of a charge against the serjeant at the
+mess, and he was duly sentenced to pay a fine of two dozen of wine,
+which he did with the greatest good humour.
+
+Serjeant Wilkins, on one occasion, on defending a prisoner, said: "Drink
+has upon some an elevating, upon others a depressing, effect; indeed,
+there is a report, as we all know, that an eminent judge, when at the
+Bar, was obliged to resort to heavy drinking in the morning, to reduce
+himself to the level of the judges." Lord Denman, the judge, who had no
+love for Wilkins, bridled up instantly. His voice trembled with
+indignation as he uttered the words: "Where is the report, sir? Where is
+it?" There was a death-like silence. Wilkins calmly turned round to the
+judge and said: "It was burnt, my lord, in the Temple fire." The
+effect of this was considerable, and it was a long time before order
+could be restored, but Lord Denman was one of the first to acknowledge
+the wit of the answer.
+
+Difference of manner or temperament sometimes gives point to the
+collisions which occasionally occur in Court between rival counsel.
+Serjeant Wilkins, who had an inflated style of oratory, was once opposed
+in a case to Serjeant Thomas, whose manner of delivery was lighter and
+more lively. On the conclusion of a heavy bombardment of ponderous
+Johnsonian sentences from the former, Thomas rose, and, with his eyes
+fixed on his opponent, prefaced his address to the jury with the words,
+delivered with much solemnity of manner and intonation: "And now the
+hurly-burly's done."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Dunning was defending a gentleman in an action brought from _crim. con._
+with the plaintiff's wife. The chief witness for the plaintiff was the
+lady's maid, a clever, self-composed person, who spoke confidently as to
+seeing the defendant in bed with her mistress. Dunning, on rising to
+cross-examine her, first made her take off her bonnet, that they might
+have a good view of her face, but this did not discompose her, as she
+knew she was good-looking. He then arranged his brief, solemnly drew up
+his shirt sleeves, and then began: "Are you sure it was not your master
+you saw in bed with your mistress?"--"Perfectly sure."--"What, do you
+pretend to say you can be certain when the head only appeared from the
+bedclothes, and that enveloped in a nightcap?"--"Quite certain."--"You
+have often found occasion, then, to see your master in his
+nightcap?"--"Yes--very frequently."--"Now, young woman, I ask you, on
+your solemn oath, does not your master occasionally go to bed with
+you?"--"Oh, that trial does not come on to-day, Mr. Slabberchops!"
+replied the witness. A loud shout of laughter followed, and Lord
+Mansfield leaned back to enjoy it, and then gravely leaned forward and
+asked if Mr. Dunning had any more questions to put to the witness. No
+answer was given, and none were put. The same counsel, when at the
+height of his large practice at the Bar, was asked how he got through
+all his work. He replied: "I do one-third of it; another third does
+itself; and I don't do the remaining third."
+
+A witness under severe cross-examination by Serjeant Dunning was
+repeatedly asked if he did not live close to the Court. On admitting
+that he did, the further question was put, "And pray, sir, for what
+reason did you take up your residence in that place?"--"To avoid the
+rascally impertinence of dunning," came the ready answer.
+
+A barrister's name once gave a witness the opportunity to score in the
+course of a severe cross-examination. Missing was the leader of his
+Circuit and was defending his client charged with stealing a donkey. The
+prosecutor had left the donkey tied up to a gate, and when he returned
+it was gone. "Do you mean to say," said counsel, "the donkey was stolen
+from the gate?"--"I mean to say, sir," said the witness, giving the
+judge and then the jury a sly look, at the same time pointing to the
+counsel, "the ass was missing."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. Clarke, a leader of the Midland Circuit, was a very worthy lawyer of
+the old school. A client long refusing to agree to refer to arbitration
+a cause which judge, jury, and counsel wished to get rid of, he at last
+said to him, "You d--d infernal fool, if you do not immediately follow
+his lordship's recommendation, I shall be obliged to use strong language
+to you." Once, in a council of the Benchers of Lincoln's Inn, the same
+gentleman very conscientiously opposed their calling a Jew to the Bar.
+Some tried to point out the hardship to be imposed upon the young
+gentleman, who had been allowed to keep his terms, and whose prospects
+in life would thus be suddenly blasted. "Hardship!" said the zealous
+churchman, "no hardship at all! Let him become a Christian, and be d--d
+to him!"
+
+It is sometimes imagined by laymen that verdicts may be obtained by the
+trickery of counsel. Doubtless counsel may try to throw dust in the
+eyes of jurors, but they are not very successful. Lord Campbell tells a
+story of Clarke, who by such tactics brought a case to a satisfactory
+compromise. The attorney, coming to him privately, said, "Sir, don't you
+think we have got very good terms? But you rather went beyond my
+instructions."--"You fool!" retorted Clarke; "how do you suppose you
+could have got such terms if I had stuck to your instructions."
+
+[Illustration: JOHN ADOLPHUS, BARRISTER.]
+
+In the biography of John Adolphus, a famous criminal lawyer, we are told
+that the judges of his time were much impressed with the following table
+of degrees. "The three degrees of comparison in a lawyer's progress are:
+getting on; getting on-er (honour); getting on-est (honest)." He
+declared the judges acknowledged much truth in the degrees. The third
+degree in Mr. Adolphus' table reminds us of the story of the farmer who
+was met by the head of a firm of solicitors, who inquired the name of a
+plant the farmer was carrying. "It's a plant," replied the latter, "that
+will not grow in a lawyer's garden; it is called honesty."
+
+One night, walking through St. Giles's by way of a short cut towards
+home, an Irish woman came up to Mr. Adolphus. "Why, Misther Adolphus!
+and who'd a' thought of seeing you in the Holy Ground?"--"And how came
+you to know who I am?" said Adolphus. "Lord bless and save ye, sir!
+not know ye? Why, I'd know ye if ye was boiled up in a soup!"
+
+Mr. Montagu Chambers was counsel for a widow who had been put in a
+lunatic asylum, and sued the two medical men who signed the certificate
+of her insanity. The plaintiff's case was to prove that she was not
+addicted to drinking, and that there was no pretence for treating hers
+as a case of _delirium tremens_. Dr. Tunstal, the last of plaintiff's
+witnesses, described one case in which he had cured a patient of
+_delirium tremens_ in a _single night_, and he added, "It was a case of
+gradual drinking, _sipping all day_ from morning till night." These
+words were scarcely uttered when Mr. Chambers rose in triumph, and said,
+"My lord, that is _my case_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+On the Northern Circuit a century ago, there was a famous barrister who
+was familiarly known among his brother advocates as Jack Lee. He was
+engaged in examining one Mary Pritchard, of Barnsley, and began his
+examination with, "Well, Mary, if I may credit what I hear, I may
+venture to address you by the name of Black Moll."--"Faith you may,
+mister lawyer, for I am always called so by the blackguards." On another
+occasion he was retained for the plaintiff in an action for breach of
+promise of marriage. When the consultation took place, he inquired
+whether the lady for whose injury he was to seek redress was
+good-looking. "Very handsome indeed, sir," was the assurance of her
+attorney. "Then, sir," replied Lee, "I beg you will request her to be in
+Court, and in a place where she can be seen." The attorney promised
+compliance, and the lady, in accordance with Lee's wishes, took her seat
+in a conspicuous place, where the jury could see her. Lee, in addressing
+the jury, did not fail to insist with great warmth on the "abominable
+cruelty" which had been exercised towards "the highly attractive and
+modest girl who trusted her cause to their discernment"; and did not sit
+down until he had succeeded in working upon their feelings with great
+and, as he thought, successful effect. The counsel on the other side,
+however, speedily broke the spell with which Lee had enchanted the jury,
+by observing that "his learned friend, in describing the graces and
+beauty of the plaintiff, ought in common fairness not to have concealed
+from the jury the fact that the lady had a _wooden leg_!" The Court was
+convulsed with laughter at this discovery, while Lee, who was ignorant
+of this circumstance, looked aghast; and the jury, ashamed of the
+influence that mere eloquence had had upon them, returned a verdict for
+the defendant.
+
+Justice Willes, the son of Chief Justice Willes, had an offensive habit
+of interrupting counsel. On one occasion an old practitioner was so
+irritated by this practice that he retorted sharply by saying, "Your
+lordship doubtless shows greater acuteness even than your father, the
+Chief Justice, for he used to understand me _after I had done_, but your
+lordship understands me even _before I have begun_."
+
+Of Whigham, a later leader on the Northern Circuit, an amusing story
+used to be told. He was defending a prisoner, and opened an alibi in his
+address to the jury, undertaking to prove it by calling the person who
+had been in bed with his client at the time in question, and deprecating
+their evil opinion of a woman whose moral character was clearly open to
+grave reproach, but who was still entitled to be believed upon her oath.
+Then he called "Jessie Crabtree." The name was, as usual, repeated by
+the crier, and there came pushing his way sturdily through the crowd a
+big Lancashire lad in his rough dress, who had been the prisoner's
+veritable bedfellow--Whigham's brief not having explained to him that
+the Christian name of his witness was, in this case, a male one.
+
+Colman, in his _Random Records_, tells the following anecdote of the
+witty barrister, Mr. Jekyll. One day observing a squirrel in Colman's
+chambers, in the usual round cage, performing the same operation as a
+man in a tread-mill, and looking at it for a minute, exclaimed, "Oh!
+poor devil, he's going the Home Circuit."
+
+Jekyll was asked why he no longer spoke to a lawyer named Peat; to which
+he replied, "I choose to give up his acquaintance--I have common of
+turbary, and have a right to cut _peat_!" An impromptu of his on a
+learned serjeant who was holding the Court of Common Pleas with his
+glittering eye, is well known:
+
+    "Behold the serjeant full of fire,
+      Long shall his hearers rue it,
+    His purple garments _came_ from Tyre,
+      His arguments _go to it_."
+
+Mr. H. L. Adam, in his volume _The Story of Crime_, tells an amusing
+story of a prisoner whose counsel had successfully obtained his
+acquittal on a charge of brutal assault. A policeman came across a man
+one night lying unconscious on the pavement, and near by him was an
+ordinary "bowler" hat. That was the only clue to the perpetrator of the
+deed. The police had their suspicions of a certain individual, whom they
+proceeded to interrogate. In addition to being unable to give a
+satisfactory account of his movements on the night of the assault, it
+was found that the "bowler" hat in question fitted him like a glove. He
+was accordingly arrested and charged with the crime, the hat being the
+chief evidence against him. Counsel for the defence, however, dwelt so
+impressively on the risk of accepting such evidence that the jury
+brought in a verdict of "not proven," and the prisoner was discharged.
+Before leaving the dock he turned to the judge, and pointing to the
+hat in Court, said, "My lord, may I 'ave my 'at."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Some amusing scenes have occurred in suits brought by tailors and
+dressmakers to recover the price of garments for which their customers
+have declined to pay on the ground of misfit. Serjeant Ballantine, in
+his _Experiences of a Barrister_, relates the case of a tailor in which
+the defendant was the famous Sir Edwin Landseer. It was tried in the
+Exchequer Court, before Baron Martin. "The coat was produced," says the
+serjeant, "and the judge suggested that Sir Edwin should try it on; he
+made a wry face, but consented, and took off his own upper garment. He
+then put an arm into one of the sleeves of that in dispute, and made an
+apparently ineffectual endeavour to reach the other, following it round
+amidst roars of laughter from all parts of the Court. It was a common
+jury, and I was told that there was a tailor upon it, upon which I
+suggested that there was a gentleman of the same profession as the
+plaintiff in Court who might assist Sir Edwin. This was acceded to, and
+out hopped a little Hebrew slop-seller from the Minories, to whom the
+defendant submitted his body. With difficulty he got into the coat, and
+then stood as if spitted, his back one mass of wrinkles. The tableau was
+truly amusing; the indignant plaintiff looking at the performance with
+mingled horror and disgust; Sir Edwin, as if he were choking; whilst the
+juryman, with the air of a connoisseur, was examining him and the coat
+with profound gravity. At last the judge, when able to stifle his
+laughter, addressing the little Hebrew, said, 'Well, Mr. Moses, what do
+you say?'--'Oh,' cried he, holding up a pair of hands not over clean,
+and very different from those encased in lavender gloves which graced
+the plaintiff, 'it ish poshitively shocking, my lord; I should have been
+ashamed to turn out such a thing from my establishment.' The rest of the
+jury accepted his view, and Sir Edwin, apparently relieved from
+suffocation, entered his own coat with a look of relief, which again
+convulsed the Court, bowed, and departed."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Financial prosecutions are as a rule very dreary, and any little joke
+perpetrated by counsel during the course of them is a relief. One was
+being heard, in which Mr. Muir was counsel, and to many of his
+statements the junior counsel for the prosecution shook his head
+vehemently, although he said nothing. This continual dumb contradiction
+at length got on the customary patience of Mr. Muir, who blurted out: "I
+do not know why my friend keeps shaking his head, whether it is that he
+has palsy, or that there's nothing in it!"
+
+Mr. Baldwin was the counsel employed to oppose a person justifying bail
+in the Court of King's Bench. After some common questions, a waggish
+counsel sitting near suggested that the witness should be asked as to
+his having been a prisoner in Gloucester gaol. Mr. Baldwin thereon
+boldly asked: "When, sir, were you last in Gloucester gaol?" The
+witness, a respectable tradesman, with astonishment declared that he
+never was in a gaol in his life. Mr. Baldwin being foiled after putting
+the question in various ways, turned round to his friendly prompter, and
+asked for what the man had been imprisoned. He was told that it was for
+suicide. Thereupon Mr. Baldwin, with great gravity and solemnity
+addressed the witness: "Now, sir, I ask you upon your oath, and remember
+that I shall have your words taken down, were you not imprisoned in
+Gloucester gaol for suicide?"
+
+A young lawyer who had just "taken the coif," once said to Samuel
+Warren, the author of _Ten Thousand a Year_: "Hah! Warren, I never could
+manage to get quite through that novel of yours. What did you do with
+Oily Gammon?"--"Oh," replied Warren, "I made a serjeant of him, and of
+course he never was heard of afterwards."
+
+[Illustration: SAMUEL WARREN, Q.C., MASTER IN LUNACY.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Warner Sleigh, a great thieves' counsel, was not debarred by etiquette
+from taking instructions direct from his clients. One day, following a
+rap on the door of his chambers in Middle Temple Lane, a thick-set man,
+with cropped poll of unmistakably Newgate cut, slunk into the room, when
+the following colloquy took place.
+
+"Mornin', sir," said the man, touching his forelock. "Morning," replied
+counsel. "What do you want?"--"Well, sir, I'm sorry to say, sir, our
+little Ben, sir, has 'ad a misfortin'; fust offence, sir, only a
+'wipe'--"--"Well, well!" interrupted counsel. "Get on."--"So, sir, we
+thought as you've 'ad all the family business we'd like you to defend
+'im, sir."--"All right," said counsel; "see my clerk--."--"Yessir,"
+continued the thief; "but I thought I'd like to make sure you'd attend
+yourself, sir; we're anxious, 'cos it's little Ben, our youngest
+kid."--"Oh! that will be all right. Give Simmons the fee."--"Well, sir,"
+continued the man, shifting about uneasily, "I was going to arst you,
+sir, to take a little less. You see, sir (wheedlingly), it's little
+Ben--his first misfortin'."--"No, no," said the counsel impatiently.
+"Clear out!"--"But, sir, you've 'ad all our business. Well, sir, if you
+won't, you won't, so I'll pay you now, sir." And as he doled out the
+guineas: "I may as well tell you, sir, you wouldn't 'a' got the
+'couties' if I 'adn't 'ad a little bit o' luck on the way."
+
+The gravity of the Court of Appeal was once seriously disturbed by
+Edward Bullen reading to them the following paragraph from a pleading in
+an action for seduction: "The defendant denies that he is the father of
+the said twins, _or of either of them_." This he apologetically
+explained was due to an accident in his pupil-room, but everyone
+recognised the style of the master-hand.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Serjeant Adams, who acted as assistant judge at the sessions, had a very
+pleasant wit, and knew how to deal with any counsel who took to
+"high-falutin." On one occasion, after an altercation with the judge,
+the counsel for the prisoner in his address to the jury reminded them
+that "they were the great palladium of British Liberty--that it was
+_their_ province to deal with the facts, the _judge_ with the law--that
+they formed one of the great institutions of their country, and that
+they came in with William the Conqueror." Adams at the end of his
+summing up said: "Gentlemen, you will want to retire to consider your
+verdict, and as it seems you came in with the Conqueror you can now go
+out with the beadle."
+
+There was always a mystery how Edwin James, who at the Bar was earning
+an income of at least L10,000 a year, was continually in monetary
+difficulties. Like Sir Thomas Lawrence, he must have had some private
+drain on his resources which was never disclosed. Among others who
+suffered was the landlord of his chambers, whose rent was very much in
+arrear. In the end the landlord hit upon a plan to discover which would
+be the best method of recovering his rent, and one day asked James to
+advise him on a legal matter in which he was interested, and thereupon
+drew up a statement of his grievance against his own tenant. The paper
+was duly returned to the landlord next day with the following sentence
+subjoined: "In my opinion this is a case which admits of only one
+remedy--patience. Edwin James."
+
+In a case before Lord Campbell, James took a line with a witness which
+his lordship considered quite inadmissible, and stopped him. When
+summing up to the jury Lord Campbell thought to soften his interruption
+by saying: "You will have observed, gentlemen, that I felt it my duty to
+stop Mr. Edwin James in a certain line which he sought to adopt in the
+cross-examination of one of the witnesses; but at the same time I had no
+intention to cast any reflection on the learned counsel who I am sure is
+known to you all as a most able--" but before his lordship could proceed
+any further James interposed, and in a contemptuous voice exclaimed: "My
+lord, I have borne your lordship's censure, spare me your lordship's
+praise."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. W. G. Thorpe, F.S.A., in his entertaining volume of _Middle Temple
+Table Talk_, relates a curious story of a judge taking an extremely
+personal interest in a case which was brought before him. A milk company
+had sold off a lot of old stock to a cake-maker, and the cake-maker had
+declined to pay because the milk had turned out to be poisonous. As the
+case went on the judge became more and more exercised. "What do they do
+with this stuff?" he asked, pointing to a mass of horrible mixture. "Oh,
+my lord, they make cakes of it; it doesn't taste in the cakes."--"Where
+do they sell these cakes?" was the judge's next question, and the reply
+was, "They are used for certain railway stations, school-treats, and
+excursions." Then the defendant specified one of the places. "Bless me!"
+said the judge, turning an olive-green, "I had some there myself," and
+with a shudder he retired to his private room, returning in a few
+minutes wiping his mouth.
+
+There is another story of a counsel defending a woman on a charge of
+causing the death of her husband by administering a poisoned cake to
+him. "I'll eat some of the cake myself," he said in Court, and took a
+bite. Just at this moment a telegram was brought to him to say that his
+wife was seriously ill, and he obtained permission to leave in order to
+answer the message. He returned, finished his speech, and obtained the
+acquittal of his client. It transpired afterwards that the telegram
+business was arranged in order that counsel could obtain an emetic
+after swallowing the cake.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. Montagu Williams tells a story, in his interesting _Leaves of a
+Life_, of two members of the Bar, one of whom had made a large fortune
+by his practice, but worked too hard to enjoy his gains, while the
+other, who only made a decent living, liked to enjoy life. They met on
+one occasion at the end of a long vacation, and the rich man asked his
+less fortunate brother what he had been doing. "I have been on the
+Continent," the other replied, "and I enjoyed my holiday very much. What
+have you been doing?"--"I have been working," said the rich Q.C., "and
+have not been out of town; I had lots of work to do."--"What is the use
+of it?" queried the other; "you can't carry the money with you when you
+die; and if you could, _it would soon melt_."
+
+From the same work we take the following story of Serjeant Ballantine.
+On one occasion he was acting in a case with a Jewish solicitor, and it
+happened that one of the hostile witnesses also belonged to the same
+race. Just as the serjeant was about to examine him, the solicitor
+whispered in Ballantine's ear: "Ask him as your first question, if he
+isn't a Jew."--"Why, but you're a Jew yourself," said the serjeant in
+some surprise. "Never mind, never mind," replied the little solicitor
+eagerly. "Please do--just to prejudice the jury."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: JOHN ROMILLY, BARON ROMILLY, MASTER OF THE ROLLS.]
+
+No collection of the wit and humour of the Bar would be complete without
+some specimens of Sir Frank Lockwood's racy sayings. From Mr. Augustine
+Birrell's _Life of Lockwood_ we quote the following:
+
+"A tale is attached to Lockwood's first brief. It was on a petition to
+the Master of the Rolls for payment out of Court of a sum of money; and
+Lockwood appeared for an official liquidator of a company whose consent
+had to be obtained before the Court would part with the fund. Lockwood
+was instructed to consent, and his reward was to be three guineas on the
+brief and one guinea for consultation. The petition came on in due
+course before Lord Romilly, and was made plain to him by counsel for the
+petitioner, and still a little plainer by counsel for the principal
+respondent.
+
+"Then up rose Lockwood, an imposing figure, and indicated his appearance
+in the case.
+
+"'What brings _you_ here?' said Lord Romilly, meaning, I presume, 'Why
+need I listen to you?'
+
+"Lockwood looking puzzled, Lord Romilly added a little testily, 'What do
+you come here for?'
+
+"The answer was immediate, unexpected, and, accompanied as it was by a
+dramatic glance at the outside of his brief, as if to refresh his
+memory, triumphant, 'Three and one, my lord!'"
+
+"The following letter is to Mrs. Atkinson:
+
+         1 HARE COURT, TEMPLE, E.C., LONDON.
+             _September 18, '72._
+
+     MY DEAR LOO,--I trust it is well with yourself, John, and the
+     childer.... It is an off-day. We are resting on our legal oars
+     after a prolonged and determined struggle yesterday. Know!
+     that near our native hamlet is the level of Hatfield Chase,
+     whereon are numerous drains. Our drain (speaking from the
+     Corporation of Hatfield Chase point of view) we have stopped,
+     for our own purposes. Consequently, the adjacent lands have
+     been flooded, are flooded, and will continue to be flooded.
+     The landed gentry wish us to remove our dam, saying that if we
+     don't they won't be worth a d--n. We answer that we don't care
+     a d--n.
+
+     This interesting case has been simmering in the law-courts
+     since 1820. The landed gentry got a verdict in their favour at
+     the last Lincoln Assizes, but find themselves little the
+     better, as we have appealed, and our dam still reigns
+     triumphant. Yesterday an application was made to the judge to
+     order our dam to be removed. In the absence of Mellor, I
+     donned my forensic armour and did battle for the Corporation.
+     After two hours' hard fighting, we adjourned for a week; in
+     the meantime the floods may rise, and the winds blow. The
+     farmers yelled with rage when they heard that the dam had got
+     a week's respite. I rather fancy that they will yell louder on
+     Tuesday, as I hope to win another bloodless victory. It is a
+     pretty wanton sport, the cream of the joke being that the dam
+     is no good to us or to anybody else, and we have no real
+     objection to urge against its removal, excepting that such a
+     measure would be informal, and contrary to the law as laid
+     down some hundred years ago by an old gentleman who never
+     heard of a steam-engine, and who would have fainted at the
+     sight of a telegraph post. As we have the most money on our
+     side, I trust we shall win in the end. None of this useful
+     substance, however, comes my way, as it is Mellor's work. But
+     I hope to reap some advantage from it, both as to experience
+     and introduction. I make no apology for troubling you with
+     this long narration. I wish it to sink into your mind, and
+     into that of your good husband. Let it be a warning to you and
+     yours. And never by any chance become involved in any
+     difficulties which will bring you into a court of law of
+     higher jurisdiction than a police court. An occasional 'drunk
+     and disorderly' will do you no harm, and only cost you 5_s._
+     Beyond a little indulgence of this kind--beware! In all
+     probability I shall be in the North in a few weeks. Sessions
+     commence next month. I will write to the Mum this week.--With
+     best love to all, I am, Your affectionate brother,
+
+         FRANK LOCKWOOD."
+
+"Mr. Mellor vouches for the following story, which, as it illustrates
+Lockwood's humour and had gone the round of the newspapers, I will tell.
+It is the ancient custom of the new Lord Mayor of London, attended by
+the Recorder and Sheriffs, to come into the law-courts and be introduced
+to the Lord Chief Justice or, if he is not there, to the senior judge to
+be found on the premises, and, after a little lecture from the Bench, to
+return good for evil by inviting the judges to dinner, only to receive
+the somewhat chilling answer, 'Some of their lordships will attend.' On
+this occasion the ceremony was over, and the Lord Mayor and his retinue
+was retiring from the Court, when his lordship's eye rested on Lockwood,
+who in a new wig was one of the throng by the door. 'Ah, my young
+friend!' said the Lord Mayor in a pompous way (for in those days there
+was no London County Council to teach Lord Mayors humility); 'picking up
+a little law, I suppose?' Lockwood had his answer ready. With a profound
+bow, he replied: 'I shall be delighted to accept your lordship's
+hospitality. I think I heard your lordship name seven as the hour.' The
+Lord Mayor hurried out of Court, and even the policeman (and to the
+police Lord Mayors are almost divine) shook with laughter."
+
+Counsel sometimes find their position so weak that their only hope of
+damaging the other side lies in ridiculing their witnesses. Serjeant
+Parry on one occasion was defending a client against a claim for breach
+of promise of marriage made a few hours after a chance meeting in Regent
+Street. According to the lady's story the introduction had been effected
+through the gentleman offering to protect her from a dog. In course of
+cross-examination Parry said: "You say you were alarmed at two dogs
+fighting, madam?"--"No, no, it was a single dog," was the reply. "What
+you mean, madam," retorted Parry, "is that there was only one dog; but
+whether it was a single dog or a married dog you are not in a position
+to say." With this correction it need not be wondered that the lady had
+little more to say.
+
+A learned counsellor in the midst of an affecting appeal in Court on a
+slander case delivered himself of the following flight of genius.
+"Slander, gentlemen, like a boa constrictor of gigantic size and
+immeasurable proportions, wraps the coil of its unwieldy body about its
+unfortunate victim, and, heedless of the shrieks of agony that come from
+the utmost depths of its victim's soul, loud and reverberating as the
+night thunder that rolls in the heavens, it finally breaks its unlucky
+neck upon the iron wheel of public opinion; forcing him first to
+desperation, then to madness, and finally crushing him in the hideous
+jaws of mortal death."
+
+Talking of his early days at the Bar, Mr. Thomas Edward Crispe, in
+_Reminiscences of a K.C._, relates how on one occasion he was opposed by
+a somewhat eccentric counsel named Wharton, known in his day as the
+"Poet of Pump Court." The case was really a simple one, but Wharton made
+so much of it that when the luncheon half-hour came the judge, Mr.
+Justice Archibald, with some emphasis, addressing Mr. Wharton, said: "We
+will now adjourn, and, Mr. Wharton, I hope you will take the opportunity
+of conferring with your friend Mr. Crispe and settling the matter out of
+Court."
+
+But Wharton would not agree to this, and when at last he had to address
+the jury, he, in the course of his speech, made the following remarks,
+for every word of which Mr. Crispe vouches:
+
+"Gentlemen, I think it only courteous to the learned judge to refer to
+the advice his lordship gave me to settle the matter out of Court. That
+reminds me of a case, tried in a country court, in an action for
+detention of a donkey. The plaintiff was a costermonger and the
+defendant a costermonger; they conducted the case in person. At one
+o'clock the judge said: 'Now, my men, I'm going to have my lunch, and
+before I come back I hope you'll settle your dispute out of Court.' When
+he returned the plaintiff came in with a black eye and the defendant
+with a bleeding nose, and the defendant said: 'Well, your honour, we've
+taken your honour's advice; Jim's given me a good hiding, and I've
+given him back his donkey.'"
+
+Mr. F. E. Smith, M.P., tells a story of a County Court case he was once
+engaged in, in which the plaintiff's son, a lad of eight years, was to
+appear as a witness.
+
+When the youngster entered the box he wore boots several sizes too
+large, a hat that almost hid his face, long trousers rolled up so that
+the baggy knees were at his ankles, and, to complete the picture, a
+swallow-tail coat that had to be held to keep it from sweeping the
+floor. This ludicrous picture was too much for the Court; but the judge,
+between his spasms of laughter, managed to ask the boy his reason for
+appearing in such garb.
+
+With wondering look the lad fished in an inner pocket and hauled the
+summons from it, pointing out a sentence with solemn mien as he did so:
+"To appear in his father's suit" it read.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There have been few readier men in retort than the late Mr. Francis
+Oswald, the author of _Oswald on Contempt of Court_. After a stiff
+breeze in a Chancery Court, the judge snapped out, "Well, I can't teach
+you manners, Mr. Oswald."--"That is so, m'lud, that is so," replied the
+imperturbable one. On another occasion, an irascible judge observed, "If
+you say another word, Mr. Oswald, I'll commit you."--"That raises
+another point--as to your lordship's power to commit counsel engaged in
+arguing before you," was the cool answer.
+
+The author of _Pie Powder_ in his entertaining volume, tells us that he
+was once dining with a barrister who had just taken silk. In the course
+of after-dinner talk, the new K.C. invited his friend to tell him what
+he considered was his (the K.C.'s) chief fault in style. After some
+considerable hesitation his friend admitted that he thought the K.C.
+erred occasionally in being too long. This apparently somewhat annoyed
+the K.C., and his friend feeling he had perhaps spoken too freely,
+thought he would smooth matters by inviting similar criticism of himself
+from the K.C., who at once replied, "My dear boy, I don't think really
+you have any fault. _Except, you know, you are so d--d offensive._"
+
+A judge and a facetious lawyer conversing on the subject of the
+transmigration of souls, the judge said, "If you and I were turned into
+a horse and an ass, which of them would you prefer to be?"--"The ass, to
+be sure," replied the lawyer.--"Why?"--"Because," replied the lawyer, "I
+have heard of an ass being a judge, but of a horse, never."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SERJEANT TALFOURD.]
+
+In some cases counsel receive answers to questions which they had no
+business to put, and these, if not quite to their liking, are what they
+justly deserve. The following story of George Clarke, a celebrated
+negro minstrel, is a case in point. On one occasion, when being examined
+as a witness, he was severely interrogated by a lawyer. "You are in the
+minstrel business, I believe?" inquired the lawyer. "Yes, sir," was the
+reply. "Is not that rather a low calling?"--"I don't know but what it
+is, sir," replied the minstrel; "but it is so much better than my
+father's that I am rather proud of it." The lawyer fell into the trap.
+"What was your father's calling?" he inquired. "He was a lawyer,"
+replied Clarke, in a tone that sent the whole Court into a roar of
+laughter as the discomfited lawyer sat down.
+
+At the Durham Assizes an action was tried which turned out to have been
+brought by one neighbour against another for a trifling matter. The
+plaintiff was a deaf old lady, and after a pause the judge suggested
+that the counsel should get his client to compromise it, and to ask her
+what she would take to settle it. Very loudly counsel shouted out to his
+client: "His lordship wants to know what you will take?" She at once
+replied: "I thank his lordship kindly, and if it's no ill convenience to
+him, I'll take a little _warm ale_."
+
+A tailor sent his bill to a lawyer, and a message to ask for payment.
+The lawyer bid the messenger tell his master that he was not running
+away, and was very busy at the time. The messenger returned and said he
+must have the money. The lawyer testily answered, "Did you tell your
+master that I was not running away?"--"Yes, I did, sir; but he bade me
+tell you that _he was_."
+
+A well-known barrister at the criminal Bar, who prided himself upon his
+skill in cross-examining a witness, had an odd-looking witness upon whom
+to operate. "You say, sir, that the prisoner is a thief?"--"Yes,
+sir--'cause why, she confessed it."--"And you also swear she did some
+repairs for you subsequent to the confession?"--"I do, sir."--"Then,"
+giving a knowing look at the Court, "we are to understand that you
+employ dishonest people to work for you, even after their rascalities
+are known?"--"Of course! How else could I get assistance from a
+lawyer?"--"Stand down!" shouted the man of law.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+At Worcester Assizes, a cause was tried as to the soundness of a horse,
+and a clergyman had been a witness, who gave a very confused account of
+the transaction, and the matters he spoke to. A blustering counsel on
+the other side, after many attempts to get at the facts, said: "Pray,
+sir, do you know the difference between a horse and a cow?"--"I
+acknowledge my ignorance," replied the clergyman. "I hardly know the
+difference between a horse and a cow, or between a bully and a bull.
+Only a bull, I am told, has horns, and a bully," bowing respectfully to
+the counsel, "_luckily for me, has none_."
+
+"In Court one day," says Mr. W. Andrews in _The Lawyer_, "I heard the
+following sharp encounter between a witness and an exceedingly irascible
+old-fashioned solicitor who, among other things, hated the modern custom
+of growing a beard or moustache. He himself grew side-whiskers in the
+most approved style of half a century ago. "Speak up, witness," he
+shouted, "and don't stand mumbling there. If you would shave off that
+unsightly moustache we might be better able to hear what was coming out
+of your lips." "And if you, sir," said the witness quietly, "would shave
+off those side-whiskers you would enable my words to reach your ears.""
+
+"My friend," said an irritable lawyer, "you are an ass."--"Do you mean,
+sir," asked the witness, "that I am your friend because I am an ass, or
+an ass because I am your friend?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Counsel sometimes comes to grief in dealing with experts. "Do you,"
+asked one of a scientist, "know of a substance called Sulphonylic
+Diazotised Sesqui Oxide of Aldehyde?" and he looked round triumphantly.
+"Certainly," came the reply. "It is analogous in diatomic composition of
+Para Sulpho Benzine Azode Methyl Aniline in conjunction with
+Phehekatoline." Counsel said he would pursue the matter no further.
+
+An action was brought by the owner of a donkey which was forced against
+a wall by a waggon and killed. The driver of the donkey was the chief
+witness, and was much bullied by Mr. Raine, the defendant's counsel, so
+that he lost his head and was reprimanded by the judge for not giving
+direct answers, and looking the jury in the face. Mr. Raine had a
+powerful cast in his eye, which probably heightened the poor fellow's
+confusion; and he continued to deal very severely with the witness,
+reminding him again and again of the judge's caution, saying: "Hold up
+your head, man: look up, I say. Can't you hold up your head, fellow?
+Can't you look as I do?" The witness, with much simplicity, at once
+answered, "I can't, you squint." On re-examination, Serjeant Cockle for
+the plaintiff, seeing gleams of the witness's recovery from his
+confusion, asked him to describe the position of the waggon and the
+donkey. After much pressing, at last he said, "Well, my lord judge, I'll
+tell you as how it happened." Turning to Cockle, he said, "You'll
+suppose ye are the wall."--"Aye, aye, just so, go on. I am the wall,
+very good."--"Yes, sir, you are the wall." Then changing his position a
+little, he said, "I am the waggon."--"Yes, very good; now proceed, you
+are the waggon," said the judge. The witness then looked to the judge,
+and hesitating at first, but with a low bow and a look of sudden
+despair, said, "And your lordship's the ass!"
+
+Serjeant Cockle, who had a rough, blustering manner, once got from a
+witness more than he gave. In a trial of a right of fishery, he asked
+the witness: "Dost thou love fish?"--"Aye," replied the witness, with a
+grin, "but I donna like cockle sauce with it." The learned serjeant was
+not pleased with the roar of laughter which followed the remark.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. H. L. Adam in _The Story of Crime_ says he remembers a very amusing
+incident in one of our police courts. A prisoner had engaged a solicitor
+to defend him, and while the latter was speaking on his behalf he
+suddenly broke in with, "Why, he dunno wot the devil he's talking
+abaht!" Thereupon the magistrate informed him that if he was
+dissatisfied with his advocate's capabilities, he could, if he chose,
+defend himself. This he elected to do, and in the end was acquitted, the
+magistrate remarking that had the case been left to counsel he would
+unquestionably have been convicted.
+
+In cross-examining a witness, says Judge Parry in _What the Judge Saw_,
+who had described the effects of an accident, was confronted by counsel
+with his statement, and asked, "But hadn't you told the doctor that
+your thigh was numb and had no feeling?"--"What's the good o' telling
+him anything," replied the witness. "That's where doctor made a mistake.
+I told 'im I was numb i' front, and what does he do but go and stick a
+pin into my back-side. 'E's no doctor."
+
+From the same source is the following story. Another man was testifying
+to an accident that had occurred to him at the works where he was
+employed. It was sought to prove that his testimony was false because he
+had a holiday that day, and this poser was put to him: "Do you mean to
+tell the Court that you came to work when you might have been enjoying a
+holiday?"--"Certainly."--"Why did you do that?" The reply was too
+obviously truthful. "What should I do? I have nowhere to go. I'm
+teetotal now."
+
+A Jew had been condemned to be hanged, and was brought to the gallows
+along with a fellow prisoner; but on the road, before reaching the place
+of execution, a reprieve arrived for the Jew. When informed of this, it
+was expected that he would instantly leave the cart in which he was
+conveyed, but he remained and saw his fellow prisoner hanged. Being
+asked why he did not at once go about his business, he said, "He was
+waiting to see if he could bargain with Mr. Ketch for the _other
+gentleman's clothes_!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A sign-painter presented his bill to a lawyer for payment. After
+examining it the lawyer said, "Do you expect any painter will go to
+heaven if they make such charges as these?"--"I never heard of but one
+that went," said the painter, "and he behaved so badly that they
+determined to turn him out, but there being no lawyer present to draw up
+the Writ of Ejectment, he remained."
+
+This must be the lawyer who, being refused entrance to heaven by St.
+Peter, contrived to throw his hat inside the door; and then, being
+permitted to go and fetch it, took advantage of the Saint being fixed to
+his post as doorkeeper and refused to come back again.
+
+A solicitor who was known to occasionally exceed the limit at lunch
+betrayed so much unsteadiness that the magistrate quickly observed, "I
+think, Mr. ----, you are not quite well, perhaps you had a little too
+much wine at lunch."--"Quite a mistake, your worship," hiccoughed Mr.
+----. "It was brandy and water."
+
+The son-in-law of a Chancery barrister having succeeded to the lucrative
+practice of the latter, came one morning in breathless haste to inform
+him that he had succeeded in bringing nearly to its termination a cause
+which had been pending in the Court for several years. Instead of
+obtaining the expected congratulations of the retired veteran of the
+law, his intelligence was received with indignation. "It was by this
+suit," exclaimed he, "that my father was enabled to provide for me, and
+to portion your wife, and with the exercise of common prudence it would
+have furnished you with the means of providing handsomely for your
+children and grandchildren."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER THREE
+
+THE JUDGES OF IRELAND
+
+
+    "So slow is justice in its ways
+      Beset by more than customary clogs,
+    Going to law in these expensive days
+      Is much the same as going to the dogs."
+
+    WILLOCK: _Legal Facetiae_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER THREE
+
+THE JUDGES OF IRELAND
+
+
+In the days of Queen Anne corruption was rife among Irish judges, as it
+was also among members of the Scottish Bench at an earlier period, and
+it was not uncommon to find the former concurring in Privy Council
+reports issued contrary to evidence. Within the area of the Munster
+Circuit in the early years of the eighteenth century a petition was
+signed and presented to Parliament by clergy, resident gentry, and
+others in the district, because Lord Chancellor Phipps refused to be
+influenced in his decision of cases coming before him, and had thereby
+incurred the displeasure of a certain section of the Irish Parliament.
+Even a Lord Chief Justice was not above taking a gift; and in this
+connection O'Flanagan in _The Munster Circuit_ tells a story of Chief
+Justice Pyne, who was a great cattle-breeder and owner of valuable
+stock. One day before starting for Cork Assizes to try a case in which a
+Mr. Weller and a Mr. Nangle were concerned, he received a visit from the
+former's steward, who had been sent with a herd of twenty-five splendid
+heifers for his lordship. The judge was highly pleased, and returned by
+the steward a gracious message of thanks to his master. On the way to
+Cork the Chief Justice's coach was stopped by a drove of valuable
+shorthorns on the road. Looking out, his lordship demanded of the
+drover, "Whose beasts are these, my man?"--"They belong, please your
+honour, to a great gentleman of these parts, Judge Pyne, your honour,"
+replied the man. "Indeed," cried the Chief Justice in much surprise,
+"and where are you taking them now?"--"They are grazing in my master Mr.
+Nangle's farm, your honour; and as the Assizes are coming on at Cork my
+master thought the judge might like to see that he took good care of
+them, so I'm taking them to Waterpark (his lordship's estate) to show to
+the judge." The judge felt the delicacy of Mr. Nangle's mode of giving
+his present, and putting a guinea in the drover's hand said, "As your
+master has taken such good care of my cattle, I will take care of him."
+When the case came on it appeared at first that the judge favoured the
+plaintiff, Mr. Weller, but as it proceeded he changed his views and
+finally decided for the defendant, Mr. Nangle. On arriving home the
+judge's first question was, "Are the cattle all safe?"--"Perfectly, my
+lord."--"Where are the beasts I received on leaving for the Cork
+Assizes?"--"They are where you left them, my lord."--"Where I left
+them--that is impossible," exclaimed the judge. "I left them on the
+road." The steward looked puzzled. "I'll have a look at them myself,"
+said Chief Justice Pyne. The steward led the way, and pointed out the
+twenty-five fine heifers presented by Mr. Weller, the plaintiff. "But
+where are the shorthorns that came after I left home?"--"Bedad, the
+long and the short of it is, them's all the cattle on the land, except
+what we have bred ourselves, my lord." And so it was. Mr. Nangle, the
+defendant, had so arranged his gift to meet the judge on the road, but
+as soon as his lordship's coach was out of sight the cattle were driven
+back to their familiar fields. The Chief Justice had been outwitted and
+had no power of showing resentment.
+
+In the manners and customs of the legal profession of Ireland in the
+latter part of the eighteenth century, there is also a strong similarity
+between the members of the Scottish Bench and their Irish brethren, in
+that they were heavy port drinkers; and did not hesitate to indulge in
+it while sitting on the Bench. It is reported of one Irish judge that he
+had a specially constructed metal tube like a penholder, through which
+he sucked his favourite liquor, from what appeared to the audience to be
+a metal inkstand. Another judge on being asked if, at a social
+gathering, he had seen a learned brother dance, "Yes," he replied, "I
+saw him in a _reel_"; while Curran referring to a third judge, who had
+condemned a prisoner to death, said, "He did not weep, but he had a drop
+in his eye."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Unblushing effrontery and a bronzed visage gained for John Scott (Lord
+Clonmel) while at the Bar the sobriquet of "Copper-faced Jack." He took
+the popular side in politics, which ordinarily would not have led to
+promotion in his profession; but his outstanding ability attracted the
+attention of Lord Chancellor Lifford, and through his influence Scott
+was offered a place under the Government. On accepting it at the hands
+of Lord Townshend, he said, "My lord, you have spoiled a good patriot."
+Some time after he met Flood, a co-patriot, and addressed him: "Well, I
+suppose you will be abusing me as usual." To which Flood replied: "When
+I began to abuse you, you were a briefless barrister; by abuse I made
+you counsel to the revenue, by abuse I got you a silk gown, by abuse I
+made you Solicitor-General, by abuse I may make you Chief Justice. No,
+Scott, I'll praise you."
+
+When Lord Clonmel was Lord Chief Justice he upheld the undignified
+practice of demanding a shilling for administering an oath, and used to
+be well satisfied, provided the coin was a _good one_. In his time the
+Birmingham shilling was current, and he used the following extraordinary
+precautions to avoid being imposed upon by taking a bad one. "You shall
+true answer make to such questions as shall be demanded of you touching
+this affidavit, so help you God! _Is this a good shilling?_ Are the
+contents of this affidavit true? Is this your name and handwriting?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The family of Henn belonging to Clare have been, generation after
+generation, since the first of the name became Chief Baron in 1679,
+connected with the Irish Bench and Bar. William Henn, a descendant of
+the Chief Baron, was made a Judge of the King's Bench in 1767, and when
+on Circuit at Wexford in 1789 two young barristers contended before him
+with great zeal and pertinacity, each flatly contradicting the other as
+to the law of the case; and both at each turn of the argument again and
+again referred with exemplary confidence to the learned judge, as so
+well knowing that what was said by him (the speaker) was right. The
+judge said, "Well, gentlemen, can I settle this matter between you? You,
+sir, say positively the law is one way; and you, sir (turning to the
+opponent), as unequivocally say it is the other way. I wish to God,
+Billy Harris (leaning over and addressing the registrar who sat beneath
+him), I knew what the law really was!"--"My lord," replied Billy Harris,
+rising, and turning round with great gravity and respect, "if I
+possessed that knowledge, I assure your lordship that I would tell your
+lordship with great pleasure!"--"Then," exclaimed the judge, "we'll save
+the point, Billy Harris!"
+
+Although more appropriate in the following chapter, we may here
+introduce a story of the younger son of the Judge Henn of the previous
+story. Jonathan, who was more distinguished than his elder
+brother--another Judge Henn--did not attain to the Bench. In early
+years he was indifferent whether briefs were given him or not, and
+indeed on one occasion he is said to have sent a message to the
+Attorney-General, who had called to engage him in a case, to keep "his
+d--d brief and to take himself to the d--l." But later he became very
+industrious, and his natural ability soon brought him into a large and
+lucrative practice. He was counsel for the Government at the trial of
+John Mitchell, and at its close the wags of the Court declared that
+"Judge Moore _spoke_ to the evidence, but Jonathan Henn _charged the
+jury_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HUGH CARLETON, VISCOUNT CARLETON, LORD CHIEF JUSTICE OF
+IRELAND.]
+
+Chief Justice Carleton was a most lugubrious judge, and was always
+complaining of something or other, but chiefly about the state of his
+health, so that Curran remarked that it was strange the old judge was
+_plaintive_ in every case tried before him.
+
+One day his lordship came into Court very late, looking very woeful. He
+apologised to the Bar for being obliged to adjourn the Court at once and
+dismiss the jury for that day. "Though," his lordship added, "I am aware
+that an important issue stands for trial. But, the fact is, gentlemen
+(addressing the Bar in a low tone of voice and somewhat confidentially),
+I have met with a domestic misfortune, which has altogether deranged my
+nerves. Poor Lady Carleton has, most unfortunately, miscarried,
+and--." "Oh, then, my lord," exclaimed Curran, "I am sure we are all
+quite satisfied your lordship has done right in deciding there is no
+_issue_ to try to-day." His lordship smiled a ghastly smile, and,
+retiring, thanked the Bar for their sympathy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Judge Foster was trying five prisoners for murder, and misunderstood the
+drift of the evidence. Four of the prisoners seem to have assisted, but
+a witness said as to the fifth, Denis Halligan, that it was he who gave
+the fatal blow: "My lord, I saw Denis Halligan (that's in the dock
+there) take a vacancy (Irish word for 'aim' at an unguarded part) at the
+poor soul that's kilt, and give him a wipe with a _clehalpin_ (Irish
+word for 'bludgeon'), and lay him down as quiet as a child." They were
+found guilty. The judge, sentencing the first four, gave them seven
+years' imprisonment. But when he came to Halligan, who really killed the
+deceased, the judge said, "Denis Halligan, I have purposely reserved the
+consideration of your case to the last. Your crime is doubtless of a
+grievous nature, yet I cannot avoid taking into consideration the
+mitigating circumstances that attend it. By the evidence of the witness
+it clearly appears that _you_ were the only one of the party who showed
+any mercy to the unfortunate deceased. You took him to a vacant seat,
+and wiped him with a clean napkin, and you laid him down with the
+gentleness one shows to a little child. In consideration of these
+extenuating circumstances, which reflect some credit upon you, I shall
+inflict upon you three weeks' imprisonment." So Denis Halligan got off
+by the judge mistaking a vacancy for a vacant seat, and a _clehalpin_
+for a clean napkin.
+
+John Toler (Lord Norbury) was Chief Justice of the Common Pleas in
+Ireland. His humour was broad, and his absolute indifference to
+propriety often saved the situation by converting a serious matter into
+a wholly ludicrous one. His Court was in constant uproar, owing to his
+noisy jesting, and like a noted old Scottish judge he would have his
+joke when the life of a human being was hanging in the balance. Even on
+his own deathbed he could not resist the impulse. On hearing that his
+friend Lord Erne was also nearing his end at the same time, he called
+for his valet: "James," said Lord Norbury, "run round to Lord Erne and
+tell him with my compliments that it will be a _dead_-heat between us."
+
+The best illustration of the almost daily condition of things when Lord
+Norbury presided at Nisi Prius is given by himself in his reply to the
+answer of a witness. "What is your business?" asked the judge. "I keep a
+_racquet-court_, my lord."--"So do I, so do I," immediately exclaimed
+the judge. Nor did he reserve his _bon mots_ for Court merriment.
+Passing the Quay on his way to the Four Courts one morning, he noticed a
+crowd and inquired of a bystander the cause of it. On being told that a
+tailor had just been rescued from attempted suicide by drowning, his
+lordship exclaimed, "What a fool to leave his _hot goose_ for a _cold
+duck_." The boastful statement of a gentleman in his company that he had
+shot seventy hares before breakfast drew from the Chief Justice the
+sarcastic remark, "I suppose, sir, you fired at a wig."
+
+A son of a peer having been accused of arson, of which offence he was
+generally believed guilty, but acquitted on a point of insufficiency of
+evidence to sustain the indictment, was tried before Lord Norbury. The
+young gentleman met the judge next at the Lord-Lieutenant's levee in the
+Castle. Instead of avoiding the Chief Justice, the scion of nobility
+boldly said, "I have recently married, and have come here to enable me
+to present my bride at the Drawing-Room."--"Quite right to mind the
+Scripture. Better marry than burn," retorted Lord Norbury.
+
+A barrister once pressed him to non-suit the plaintiff in a case; but
+his lordship decided to let it go to a jury trial. "I do believe," said
+the disappointed advocate, "your lordship has not the _courage to
+non-suit_."--"You say, sir," replied the irate judge, "you don't believe
+I'd have the courage to non-suit. I tell you I have courage to _shoot_
+and to _non-shoot_, but I'll not non-suit for you." This same counsel
+was once horsewhipped by an army officer at Nelson's Pillar in Sackville
+Street, and applied for a Criminal Information against his assailant.
+"Certainly he shall have it," said the witty judge. "The Court is bound
+to give protection to any one who has _bled under the gallant Nelson_."
+
+On a motion before this judge, a sheriff's officer, who had the
+hardihood to serve a process in Connemara, where the king's writ _did
+not run_, swore that the natives made him eat and swallow both copy and
+original. Norbury, affecting great disgust, exclaimed: "Jackson,
+Jackson, I hope it's not made returnable into this Court."
+
+While giving a judgment on a writ of right, Lord Norbury observed that
+it was not sufficient for a demandant to say he "claimed by descent."
+"Such an answer," he continued, "would be a shrewd one for a sweep, who
+got into your house by coming down the chimney; and it would be an easy,
+as well as a sweeping, way of getting in."
+
+His lordship was attacked by a fit of gout when on Circuit, and sent to
+the Solicitor-General requesting the loan of a pair of large slippers.
+"Take them," said the Solicitor to the servant, "with my respects, and I
+hope soon to be in his lordship's shoes."
+
+At the instigation of O'Connell, Lord Norbury was finally removed from
+the Bench. A flagrant case of partiality was brought to Lord Brougham's
+notice which exasperated Lord Norbury, and he is reported to have said,
+"I'll resign to demand satisfaction. That Scottish Broom wants to be
+made acquainted with an Irish stick."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Two notorious highwaymen were charged before Chief Baron O'Grady with
+robbery, and to the surprise of all the jury returned a verdict of not
+guilty. "Mr. Murphy," said the judge to the gaoler, "you will greatly
+ease my mind by keeping these two respectable gentlemen in custody until
+seven o'clock. I leave for Dublin at five, and I should like to have at
+least two hours' start of them." There is also the story of a barrister
+who made an eloquent speech and got his client off, but he was very
+anxious to know whether the prisoner was guilty or not. "Well, sir,"
+said the man when applied to, "to tell the truth I thought I was guilty
+until I heard you speak, and then I didn't see how I could be." This at
+once recalls an old story. "Prisoner, I understand you confess your
+guilt," said the judge. "No, I don't," said the prisoner. "My counsel
+has convinced me of my innocence."
+
+On hearing that some spendthrift barristers, friends of his, were
+appointed to be Commissioners of Insolvent Debtors the Chief Baron
+remarked, "At all events, the insolvents can't complain of not being
+tried by their peers." It was the same judge who caustically observed,
+after a long and dull legal argument: "I agree with my brother J----,
+for the reasons given by my brother M----." A prisoner once was given a
+practical specimen of his lordship's wit, and must have been rather
+distressed by it. He was passing sentence upon a pickpocket, and
+ordering a punishment common at that time. "You will be whipped from
+North Gate to South Gate," said the judge. "Bad luck to you, you old
+blackguard," said the prisoner. "--And back again," said the Chief
+Baron, as if he had been interrupted in the delivery of the sentence.
+
+A cause of much celebrity was tried at a county Assize, at which Chief
+Baron O'Grady presided. Bushe, then a K.C., who held a brief for the
+defence, was pleading the cause of his client with much eloquence, when
+a donkey in the courtyard outside set up a loud bray. "One at a time,
+brother Bushe!" called out his lordship. Peals of laughter filled the
+Court. The counsel bore the interruption as best he could. The judge was
+proceeding to sum up with his usual ability: the donkey again began to
+bray. "I beg your lordship's pardon," said Bushe, putting his hand to
+his ear; "but there is such an echo in the Court that I can't hear a
+word you say."
+
+In his charges to juries, O'Grady frequently made some quaint remarks.
+There was a Kerry case in which a number of men were indicted for riot
+and assault. Several of them bore the familiar names of O'Donoghue,
+Moriarty, Duggan, &c., while among the jurymen these names were also
+found. Well knowing that consanguinity was prevalent in the district,
+the judge began his address to the jury with the significant remark: "Of
+course, gentlemen, you will acquit your own relatives." In another case
+of larceny of pantaloons which was clearly proved, but in which the
+thief got a good character for honesty, he began: "Gentlemen, the
+prisoner was an honest boy, but he stole the pantaloons."
+
+"I merely wish to address your lordship on the form of the indictment,
+if your lordship pleases," said a young barrister to the Chief Baron.
+"Oh, certainly, I will hear you with mighty great pleasure, sir; but
+I'll be after taking the verdict of the jury first," was the sarcastic
+reply.
+
+The brother of Chief Baron O'Grady once caught a boy stealing turnips
+from one of his fields and asked his lordship if the culprit could be
+prosecuted under the Timber Acts. "No," said the Chief Baron, "unless
+you can prove that your turnips are sticky."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Yelverton, first Baron Avonmore, possessed remarkable rhetorical
+ability and a highly cultivated mind. He rose rapidly at the Bar, until
+he became Chief Baron of Exchequer. He was the founder of the convivial
+order of St. Patrick, called "The Monks of the Screw," of which Curran,
+who wrote its charter song, was Prior. Avonmore was a man of warm and
+benevolent feelings, which he gave vent to in an equal degree in private
+life, in the senate, and on the Bench.
+
+Before giving an anecdote of Lord Avonmore it may interest readers,
+especially English and Scottish, to quote here the charter song of this
+famous Irish convivial club of the eighteenth century.
+
+    THE CHARTER SONG OF THE
+    MONKS OF THE SCREW
+
+    When St. Patrick this order establish'd,
+    He called us the "Monks of the Screw"!
+    Good rules he reveal'd to our Abbot,
+    To guide us in what we should do.
+    But first he replenish'd our fountain,
+    With liquor the best in the sky;
+    And he swore on the word of a saint
+    That the fountain should never run dry.
+
+    Each year when your octaves approach,
+    In full chapter convened let me find you,
+    And when to the convent you come
+    Leave your favourite temptation behind you;
+    And be not a glass in your convent,
+    Unless on a festival found;
+    And this rule to enforce I ordain it,
+    Our festival all the year round.
+
+    My brethren, be chaste till you're tempted;
+    While sober be grave and discreet;
+    And humble your bodies with fasting,
+    As oft as you've nothing to eat.
+    Yet, in honour of fasting, one lean face
+    Among you I'll always require,
+    If the Abbot should please he may wear it--
+    If not, let it come to the Prior.
+
+The last two lines hit off the appearance of the Abbot, a Mr. Doyle, and
+of the Prior, J. P. Curran. The former was a big burly man with a fat,
+jovial face, while Curran was a short and particularly spare man whose
+"lean face" always attracted attention.
+
+On a Lent Circuit, one of the Assize towns happened to be a place, of
+which one of Lord Avonmore's college contemporaries held a living: at
+his own request, the Chief Baron's reverend friend preached the Assize
+sermon. The time being the month of March the weather was cold, the
+judge was chilled, and unhappily the sermon was long, and the preacher
+tedious. After the discourse was over, the preacher descended from the
+pulpit and approached the judge, smirking and smiling, looking fully
+satisfied with his own exertions, and expecting to receive the
+compliments and congratulations of his quondam chum. "Well, my lord,"
+he asked, "and how did you like the sermon?"--"Oh! most wonderfully,"
+replied Avonmore. "It was like the peace of God--it passed all
+understanding; and--like his mercy--I thought it would have endured for
+ever."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When Plunket was at the Bar his great friend and rival was C. K. Bushe.
+The former was Attorney-General at the same time as the latter was
+Solicitor-General, and it caused him much dissatisfaction when Plunket
+learned that on a change of Government Solicitor-General Bushe had not
+followed his example and resigned office. At the time this occurred both
+barristers happened to be engaged in a case at which, when it was
+called, Bushe only appeared. On the judge inquiring of Mr. Bushe if he
+knew the reason of Mr. Plunket's absence his friend jocosely remarked,
+"I suppose, my lord, he is Cabinet-making." This pleasantry, at his
+expense, was told to Plunket by a friend, when he arrived in Court, on
+which, turning to the judge, the ex-Attorney-General proudly said, "I
+assure your lordship I am not so well qualified for Cabinet-making as my
+learned friend. I never was either a _turner_ or a _joiner_."
+
+Two eminent Irish astronomers differed in an argument on the parallax of
+a lyrae--the one maintaining that it was three seconds, and the other
+that it was only two seconds. On being told of this discussion, and
+that the astronomers parted without arriving at an agreement, Plunket
+quietly remarked: "It must be a very serious quarrel indeed, when even
+the seconds cannot agree."
+
+Once applying the common expression to accommodation bills of exchange,
+that they were _mere kites_, the judge, an English Chancellor, said "he
+never heard that expression applied before to any but the kites of
+boys."--"Oh," replied Plunket, "that's the difference between kites in
+England and in Ireland. In England the wind raises the kite, but in
+Ireland the kite raises the wind."
+
+Everybody (says Phillips) knew how acutely Plunket felt his forced
+resignation of the chancellorship, and his being superseded by Lord
+Campbell. A violent storm arose on the day of Campbell's expected
+arrival, and a friend remarking to Plunket how sick of his promotion the
+passage must have made the new Chancellor: "Yes," said the former,
+ruefully, "but it won't make him throw up the seals."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. Frankfort Moore, in his _Journalist's Notebook_, relates how Justice
+Lawson summed up in the case of a man who was charged with stealing a
+pig. The evidence of the theft was quite conclusive, and, in fact, was
+not combated; but the prisoner called the priests and neighbours to
+attest to his good character. "Gentlemen of the jury," said the judge,
+"I think that the only conclusion you can arrive at is, that the pig was
+stolen by the prisoner, and that he is the most amiable man in the
+country."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER FOUR
+
+THE BARRISTERS OF IRELAND
+
+
+     "'Men that hire out their words and anger'; that are more or
+     less passionate according as they are paid for it, and allow
+     their client a quantity of wrath proportionable to the fee
+     which they receive from him."
+
+     ADDISON: _The Spectator_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER FOUR
+
+THE BARRISTERS OF IRELAND
+
+
+The Irish counsel like the occupants of the Bench were, in early times,
+eminent for their jolly carousing. Once, about 1687, a heavy argument
+coming on before Lord Chancellor Fitton, Mr. Nagle, the solicitor,
+retained Sir Toby Butler as counsel, who entered into a bargain that he
+would not drink a drop of wine while the case was at hearing. This
+bargain reached the ears of the Chancellor, who asked Sir Toby if it was
+true that such a compact had been made. The counsel said it was true,
+and the bargain had been rigidly kept; but on further inquiry he
+admitted that as he had only promised not to _drink_ a _drop_ of wine,
+he felt he must have some stimulant. So he got a basin, into which he
+poured two bottles of claret, and then got two hot rolls of bread,
+sopped them in the claret and ate them. "I see," replied the Chancellor;
+"in truth, Sir Toby, you deserve to be master of the rolls!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: JOHN P. CURRAN, MASTER OF ROLLS.]
+
+One naturally turns to Curran for a selection of the witty sayings of
+the Irish Bar, and abundantly he supplies them, although in these days
+many of his jests may be considered as in somewhat doubtful taste.
+Phillips tells us he remembered Curran once--in an action for breach of
+promise of marriage, in which he was counsel for the defendant, a young
+clergyman--thus appealing to the jury: "Gentlemen, I entreat you not to
+ruin this young man by a vindictive verdict; for _though_ he has
+talents, and is in the Church, _he may rise_!"
+
+After his college career Curran went to London to study for the
+Bar. His circumstances were often straitened, and at times so much
+so that he had to pass the day without dinner. But under such
+depressing circumstances his high spirits never forsook him. One
+day he was sitting in St. James's Park merrily whistling a tune
+when a gentleman passed, who, struck by the youth's melancholy
+appearance while, at the same time, he whistled a lively air, asked
+how he "came to be sitting there whistling while other people were
+at dinner." Curran replied, "I would have been at dinner too, but a
+trifling circumstance--delay in remittances--obliges me to dine on
+an Irish tune." The result was that Curran was invited to dine with
+the stranger, and years afterwards, when he had become famous, he
+recalled the incident to his entertainer--Macklin, the celebrated
+actor--with the assurance, "You never acted better in your life."
+
+From Phillips again we have Curran's retort upon an Irish judge, who was
+quite as remarkable for his good humour and raillery as for his legal
+researches. Curran was addressing a jury on one of the State trials in
+1803 with his usual animation. The judge, whose political bias, if any
+judge can have one, was certainly supposed not to be favourable to the
+prisoner, shook his head in doubt or denial of one of the advocate's
+arguments. "I see, gentlemen," said Curran, "I see the motion of his
+lordship's head; common observers might imagine that implied a
+difference of opinion, but they would be mistaken; it is merely
+accidental. Believe me, gentlemen, if you remain here many days, you
+will yourselves perceive that when his lordship shakes his head, there's
+_nothing in it_!"
+
+Curran was one day engaged in a case in which he had for a junior a
+remarkably tall and slender gentleman, who had been originally intended
+to take orders. The judge observing that the case under discussion
+involved a question of ecclesiastical law, Curran interposed with: "I
+refer your lordship to a high authority behind me, who was once intended
+for the Church, though in my opinion he was fitter for the steeple."
+
+He was one day walking with a friend, who, hearing a person say
+"curosity" for "curiosity," exclaimed: "How that man murders the English
+language!"--"Not so bad as that," replied Curran. "He has only knocked
+an 'i' out."
+
+Curran never joined the hunt, except once, not far from Dublin. His
+horse joined very keenly in the sport, but the horseman was inwardly
+hoping all the while that the dogs would not find. In the midst of his
+career, the hounds broke into a potato field of a wealthy land-agent,
+who happened to have been severely cross-examined by Curran some days
+before. The fellow came up patronisingly and said, "Oh sure, you are
+Counsellor Curran, the great lawyer. Now then, Mr. Lawyer, can you tell
+me by what law you are trespassing on my ground?"--"By what law, did you
+ask, Mr. Maloney?" replied Curran. "It must be the _Lex Tally-ho-nis_,
+to be sure."
+
+During one of the Circuits, Curran was dining with a brother advocate at
+a small inn kept by a worthy woman known by the Christian name of
+Honoria, or, as it is generally called, Honor. The gentlemen were so
+pleased with their entertainment that they summoned Honor to receive
+their compliments and drink a glass of wine with them. She attended at
+once, and Curran after a brief eulogium on the dinner filled a glass,
+and handing it to the landlady proposed as a toast "Honor and Honesty,"
+to which the lady with an arch smile added, "Our absent friends," drank
+off her amended toast and withdrew.
+
+He happened one day to have for his companion in a stage-coach a very
+vulgar and revolting old woman, who seemed to have been encrusted with a
+prejudice against Ireland and all its inhabitants. Curran sat chafing in
+silence in his corner. At last, suddenly, a number of cows, with their
+tails and heads in the air, kept rushing up and down the road in
+alarming proximity to the coach windows. The old woman manifestly was
+but ill at ease. At last, unable to restrain her terror, she faltered
+out, "Oh dear; oh dear, sir! what can the cows mean?"--"Faith, my good
+woman," replied Curran, "as there's an Irishman in the coach, I
+shouldn't wonder if they were on the outlook for _a bull_!"
+
+Curran was once asked what an Irish gentleman, just arrived in England,
+could mean by perpetually putting out his tongue. "I suppose," replied
+the wit, "he's trying _to catch the English accent_."
+
+During the temporary separation of Lord Avonmore and Curran, Egan
+espoused the judge's imaginary quarrel so bitterly that a duel was the
+consequence. The parties met, and on the ground Egan complained that the
+disparity in their sizes gave his antagonist a manifest advantage. "I
+might as well fire at a razor's edge as at him," said Egan, "and he may
+hit me as easily as a turf-stack."--"I'll tell you what, Mr. Egan,"
+replied Curran; "I wish to take no advantage of you--let my _size_ be
+_chalked_ out upon your side, and I am quite content that every shot
+which hits outside that mark should _go for nothing_." And in another
+duel, in which his opponent was a major who had taken offence at some
+remark the eminent counsel had made about him in Court, the major asked
+Curran to fire first. "No," replied Curran, "I am here on your
+invitation, so you must _open the ball_."
+
+Sir Thomas Furton, who was a respectable speaker, but certainly nothing
+more, affected once to discuss the subject of eloquence with Curran,
+assuming an equality by no means palatable to the latter. Curran
+happening to mention, as a peculiarity of his, that he could not speak
+above a quarter of an hour without requiring something to moisten his
+lips, Sir Thomas, pursuing his comparisons, declared _he_ had the
+advantage in that respect. "I spoke," said he, "the other night in the
+Commons for five hours on the Nabob of Oude, and never felt in the least
+thirsty."--"It is very remarkable, indeed," replied Curran, "for
+everyone agrees that was the _driest_ speech of the session."
+
+Lord Clare (says Mr. Hayward) had a favourite dog which was permitted to
+follow him to the Bench. One day, during an argument of Curran's, the
+Chancellor turned aside and began to fondle the dog, with the obvious
+view of intimating inattention or disregard. The counsel stopped; the
+judge looked up: "I beg your pardon," continued Curran, "I thought your
+lordship had been in consultation."
+
+Curran often raised a laugh at Lord Norbury's expense. The laws, at that
+period, made capital punishment so general that nearly all crimes were
+punishable with death by the rope. It was remarked Lord Norbury never
+hesitated to condemn the convicted prisoner to the gallows. Dining in
+company with Curran, who was carving some corned beef, Lord Norbury
+inquired, "Is that hung beef, Mr. Curran?"--"Not yet, my lord," was the
+reply; "you have not _tried_ it."
+
+"A doldrum, Mr. Curran! What does the witness mean by saying you put him
+in a doldrum?" asked Lord Avonmore. "Oh, my lord, it is a very common
+complaint with persons of this description; it's merely a confusion of
+the head arising from a corruption of the heart."
+
+Angered one day in debate, he put his hand on his heart, saying, "I am
+the trusty guardian of my own honour."--"Then," replied Sir Boyle Roche,
+"I congratulate my honourable friend in the snug little sinecure to
+which he has appointed himself."
+
+But on one occasion he met his match in a pert, jolly, keen-eyed son of
+Erin, who was up as a witness in a case of dispute in the matter of a
+horse deal. Curran was anxious to break down the credibility of this
+witness, and thought to do it by making the man contradict himself--by
+tangling him up in a network of adroitly framed questions--but to no
+avail. The ostler's good common sense, and his equanimity and good
+nature, were not to be upset. Presently, Curran, in a towering rage,
+thundered forth, as no other counsel would have dared to do in the
+presence of the Court: "Sir, you are incorrigible! The truth is not to
+be got from you, for it is not in you. I see the villain in your
+face!"--"Faith, yer honour," replied the witness, with the utmost
+simplicity of truth and honesty, "my face must be moighty clane and
+shinin' indade, if it can reflect like that." For once in his life the
+great barrister was floored by a simple witness. He could not recover
+from that repartee, and the case went against him.
+
+When Curran heard that there was a likelihood of trouble for the part he
+took in 1798, and that in all probability he would be deprived of the
+rank of Q.C., he remarked: "They may take away the _silk_, but they
+leave the _stuff_ behind."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Bully" Egan had a great muscular figure, as may be guessed from the
+story of the duel with Curran. To his bulk he added a stentorian voice,
+which he freely used in Nisi Prius practice to browbeat opposing counsel
+and witnesses, and through which he acquired his _sobriquet_. On one
+occasion his opponent was a dark-visaged barrister who had made out a
+good case for his client. Egan, in the course of an eloquent address,
+begged the jury not to be carried away by the "dark oblivion of a
+brow."--"What do you mean by using such balderdash?" said a friend. "It
+may be balderdash," replied Egan, "but depend upon it, it will do very
+well for that jury." On another occasion he concluded a vituperative
+address by describing the defendant as "a most naufrageous
+ruffian."--"What sort of a ruffian is that?" whispered his junior. "I
+have no idea," responded Egan, "but I think _it sounds well_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+H. D. Grady was a strong supporter, in the Irish Parliament, of the
+Union of Great Britain and Ireland, although he represented a
+constituency strongly opposed to it; and he did not conceal the fact
+that the Government had made it worth his while to support them. "What!"
+exclaimed one of his constituents who remonstrated with him; "do you
+mean to sell your country?"--"Thank God," cried this patriot, "I have a
+country to sell."
+
+For his Court work this anti-Nationalist barrister had what he called
+his "jury-eye." When he wanted a jury to note a particular point he kept
+winking his right eye at them. Entering the Court one day looking very
+depressed, a sympathetic friend asked if he was quite well, adding, "You
+are not so lively as usual."--"How can I be," replied Grady, "my
+jury-eye is out of order."
+
+He was examining a foreign sailor at Cork Assizes. "You are a Swede, I
+believe?"--"No, I am not."--"What are you then?"--"I am a Dane." Grady
+turned to the jury, "Gentlemen, you hear the equivocating scoundrel. _Go
+down, sir!_"
+
+Judge Boyd who, according to O'Connell, was guilty of sipping his wine
+through a peculiarly made tube from a metal inkstand, to which we have
+already referred, one day presided at a trial where a witness was
+charged with being intoxicated at the time he was speaking about. Mr.
+Harry Grady laboured hard to show that the man had been sober. Judge
+Boyd at once interposed and said: "Come now, my good man, it is a very
+important consideration; tell the Court truly, were you drunk or were
+you sober upon that occasion?"--"Oh, quite sober, my Lord." Grady added,
+with a significant look at the _inkstand_, "As sober as a judge!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. Bethell, a barrister at the time of the Union of Ireland and Great
+Britain, like many of his brethren, published a pamphlet on that
+much-vexed subject. Mr. Lysaght, meeting him, said: "Bethell, you never
+told me you had published a pamphlet on the Union. The one I saw
+contained some of the best things I have ever seen in any of these
+publications."--"I am proud you think so," rejoined the other eagerly.
+"Pray what was the thing that pleased you so much?"--"Well," replied
+Lysaght, "as I passed a pastry-cook's shop this morning, I saw a girl
+come out with three hot mince-pies wrapped up in one of your
+productions!"
+
+"Pleasant Ned Lysaght," as his familiar friends called him, meeting a
+Dublin banker one day offered himself as an assistant if there was a
+vacancy in the bank's staff. "You, my dear Lysaght," said the banker;
+"what position could you fill?"--"Two," was the reply. "If you made me
+_cashier_ for one day, I'll become _runner_ the next."
+
+And it was Lysaght who made a neat pun on his host's name at a dinner
+party during the Munster Circuit. The gentleman, named Flatly, was in
+the habit of inviting members of the Bar to his house when the Court was
+held in Limerick. One evening the conversation turned upon matrimony,
+and surprise was expressed that their host still remained a bachelor. He
+confessed that he never had had the courage to propose to a young lady.
+"Depend upon it," said Lysaght, "if you ask any girl _boldly_ she will
+not refuse you, _Flatly_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+O'Flanagan, author of _The Lord Chancellors of Ireland_, writes of
+Holmes, an Irish barrister: "He made us laugh very much one day in the
+Queen's Bench. I was waiting for some case in which I was counsel, when
+the crier called, 'Pluck and Diggers,' and in came James Scott, Q.C.,
+very red and heated, and, throwing his bag on the table within the bar,
+he said, 'My lords, I beg to assure your lordships I feel so exhausted I
+am quite unable to argue this case. I have been speaking for three hours
+in the Court of Exchequer, and I am quite tired; and pray excuse me, my
+lords, I must get some refreshment.' The Chief Justice bowed, and said,
+'Certainly, Mr. Scott.' So that gentleman left the Court. 'Mr. Holmes,
+you are in this case,' said the Chief Justice; 'we'll be happy to hear
+you.'--'Really, my lord, I am very tired too,' said Mr. Holmes.
+'Surely,' said the Chief Justice, 'you have not been speaking for three
+hours in the Court of Exchequer? What has tired you?'--'Listening to Mr.
+Scott,' was Holmes' sarcastic reply."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Although rivals in their profession, C. K. Bushe had a great admiration
+for Plunket's abilities, and would not listen to any disparagement of
+them. One day while Plunket was speaking at the Bar a friend said to
+Bushe, "Well, if it was not for the eloquence, I'd as soon listen to
+----," who was a very prosy speaker. "No doubt," replied Bushe, "just as
+the Connaught man said, ''Pon my conscience if it was not for the malt
+and the hops, I'd as soon drink ditch water as porter.'"
+
+There is an impromptu of Bushe's upon two political agitators of the day
+who had declined an appeal to arms, one on account of his wife, the
+other from the affection in which he held his daughter:
+
+    "Two heroes of Erin, abhorrent of slaughter,
+    Improved on the Hebrew command--
+    One honoured his wife, and the other his daughter,
+    That 'their' days might be long in 'the land.'"
+
+A young barrister once tried to raise a laugh at the Mess dinner at the
+expense of "Jerry Keller," a barrister who was prominent in social
+circles of Dublin, and whose cousin, a wine merchant, held the contract
+for supplying wine to the Mess cellar. "I have noticed," said the
+junior, "that the claret bottles are growing smaller and smaller at each
+Assizes since your cousin became our wine merchant."--"Whist!" replied
+Jerry; "don't you be talking of what you know nothing about. It's quite
+natural the bottles should be growing smaller, because we all know _they
+shrink in the washing_."
+
+An ingenious expedient was devised to save a prisoner charged with
+robbery in the Criminal Court at Dublin. The principal thing that
+appeared in evidence against him was a confession, alleged to have been
+made by him at the police office. The document, purporting to contain
+this self-criminating acknowledgment, was produced by the officer, and
+the following passage was read from it:
+
+    "Mangan said he never robbed but twice
+    Said it was Crawford."
+
+This, it will be observed, has no mark of the writer having any notion
+of punctuation, but the meaning attached to it was, that
+
+    "Mangan said he never robbed but twice.
+    _Said it was Crawford._"
+
+Mr. O'Gorman, the counsel for the prisoner, begged to look at the paper.
+He perused it, and rather astonished the peace officer by asserting,
+that so far from its proving the man's guilt, it clearly established his
+innocence. "This," said the learned gentleman, "is the fair and obvious
+reading of the sentence:
+
+    "Mangan said he never robbed;
+    _But twice said it was Crawford_."
+
+This interpretation had its effect on the jury, and the man was
+acquitted.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There were two barristers at the Irish Bar who formed a singular
+contrast in their stature--Ninian Mahaffy was as much above the middle
+size as Mr. Collis was below it. When Lord Redsdale was Lord Chancellor
+of Ireland these two gentlemen chanced to be retained in the same cause
+a short time after his lordship's elevation, and before he was
+personally acquainted with the Irish Bar. Mr. Collis was opening the
+motion, when the Lord Chancellor observed, "Mr. Collis, when a barrister
+addresses the Court, he must stand."--"I am standing on the bench, my
+lord," said Collis. "I beg a thousand pardons," said his lordship,
+somewhat confused. "Sit down, Mr. Mahaffy."--"I am sitting, my lord,"
+was the reply to the confounded Chancellor.
+
+A barrister who was present on this occasion made it the subject of the
+following epigram:
+
+    "Mahaffy and Collis, ill-paired in a case,
+    Representatives true of the rattling size ace;
+    To the heights of the law, though I hope you will rise,
+    You will never be judges I'm sure of a(s)size."
+
+A very able barrister, named Collins, had the reputation of occasionally
+involving his adversary in a legal net, and, by his superior subtlety,
+gaining his cause. On appearing in Court in a case with the eminent
+barrister, Mr. Pigot, Q.C., there arose a question as to who should be
+leader, Mr. Collins being the senior in standing at the Bar, Mr. Pigot
+being one of the Queen's Counsel. "I yield," said Mr. Collins; "my
+friend holds the honours."--"Faith, if he does, Stephen," observed Mr.
+Herrick, "'tis you have all the tricks."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DANIEL O'CONNELL, "THE LIBERATOR."]
+
+It is told by one of O'Connell's biographers that he never prepared his
+addresses to judges or juries--he trusted to the inspiration of the
+moment. He had at command humour and pathos, invective and argument; he
+was quick-witted and astonishingly ready in repartee, and he brought all
+these into play, as he found them serviceable in influencing the bench
+or the jury-box.
+
+Lord Manners, Lord Chancellor of Ireland, stopped several of the many
+counsels in a Chancery suit by saying he had made up his mind. He, in
+fact, lost his temper as each in succession rose, and he declined them
+in turn. At last O'Connell, one of the unheard counsel, began in his
+deepest and most emphatic tone: "Well then, my lord, since your lordship
+refuses to hear my learned friend, you will be pleased to hear ME"; and
+then he plunged into the case, without waiting for any expression,
+assent or dissent, or allowing any interruption. On he went, discussing
+and distinguishing, and commenting and quoting, till he secured the
+attention of, and evidently was making an impression on, the unwilling
+judge. Every few minutes O'Connell would say: "Now, my lord, my learned
+young friend beside me, had your lordship heard him, would have informed
+your lordship in a more impressive and lucid manner than I can hope to
+do," etcetera, until he finished a masterly address. The Lord Chancellor
+next morning gave judgment in favour of O'Connell's client.
+
+He was engaged in a will case, the allegation being that the will was a
+forgery. The subscribing witness swore that the will had been signed by
+the deceased "while life was in him"--that being an expression derived
+from the Irish language, which peasants who have long ceased to speak
+Irish still retain. The evidence was strong in favour of the will, when
+O'Connell was struck by the persistency of the man, who always repeated
+the same words, "The life was in him." O'Connell asked: "On the virtue
+of your oath, was he alive?"--"By the virtue of my oath, the life was
+in him."--"Now I call upon you in the presence of your Maker, who will
+one day pass sentence on you for this evidence, I solemnly ask--and
+answer me at your peril--was there not a live fly in the dead man's
+mouth when his hand was placed on the will?" The witness was taken aback
+at this question; he trembled, turned pale, and faltered out an abject
+confession that the counsellor was right; a fly had been introduced into
+the mouth of the dead man, to allow the witness to swear that "life was
+in him."
+
+O'Connell was defending John Connor on a charge of murder. The most
+incriminating evidence was the finding of the murderer's hat, left
+behind on the road. The all-important question was as to the
+identity of the hat as that of the accused man. A constable was
+prepared to swear to it. "You found this hat?" said O'Connell.
+"Yes."--"You examined it?"--"Yes."--"You know it to be the
+prisoner's property?"--"Yes."--"When you picked it up you saw it
+was damaged?"--"Yes."--"And looking inside you saw the prisoner's
+name, J-O-H-N C-O-N-N-O-R?" (here he spelt out the name slowly).
+"Yes," was the answer. "There is no name inside at all, my lord,"
+said O'Connell, and the prisoner was saved.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Explaining to a judge his absence from the Civil Court at the time a
+case was heard, in which he should have appeared as counsel, O'Connell
+said he could not leave a client in the Criminal Court until the verdict
+was given. "What was it?" inquired the judge. "Acquitted," responded
+O'Connell. "Then you have got off a wretch who is not fit to live," said
+the judge. O'Connell, knowing his lordship to be a very religious man,
+at once replied: "I am sure you will agree with me that a man whom you
+regard as not fit to _live_ would be still more _unfit_ to die."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There was a young barrister--a contemporary of O'Connell--named Parsons,
+who had a good deal of humour, and who hated the whole tribe of
+attorneys. Perhaps they had not treated him very well, but his prejudice
+against them was very constant and conspicuous. One day, in the Hall of
+the Four Courts, an attorney came up to him to beg a subscription
+towards burying a brother attorney who had died in distressed
+circumstances. Parsons took out a one-pound note and tendered it. "Oh,
+Mr. Parsons," said the applicant, "I do not want so much--I only ask a
+shilling from each contributor. I have limited myself to that, and I
+cannot really take more."--"Oh, take it, take it," said Parsons; "for
+God's sake, my good sir, take the pound, and while you are at it bury
+twenty of them."
+
+There is a terseness in the following which seems to be inimitable.
+Lord Norbury was travelling with Parsons; they passed a gibbet.
+"Parsons," said Norbury, with a chuckle, "where would _you_ be now if
+every one had his due?"--"Alone in my carriage," replied Parsons.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Here is a young Irishman's first Bar-speech. "Your lordships perceive
+that we stand here as our grandmothers' administrators _de bonis non_;
+and really, my lords, it does strike me that it would be a monstrous
+thing to say that a party can now come in, in the very teeth of an Act
+of Parliament, and actually turn us round, under colour of hanging us
+up, on the foot of a contract made behind our backs."
+
+A learned Serjeant MacMahon was noted for his confusion of language in
+his efforts to be sublime. He cared less for the sense than the sound.
+As, for example: "Gentlemen of the jury, I smell a rat--but I'll nip it
+in the bud." And, "My client acted boldly. He saw the storm brewing in
+the distance, but he was not dismayed! He took the bull by the horns and
+he _indicted him for perjury_."
+
+Peter Burrowes, a well-known member of the Irish Bar, was on one
+occasion counsel for the prosecution at an important trial for murder.
+Burrowes had a severe cold, and opened his speech with a box of lozenges
+in one hand and in the other the small pistol bullet by which the man
+had met his death. Between the pauses of his address he kept supplying
+himself with a lozenge. But at last, in the very middle of a
+'high-falutin' period, he stopped. His legal chest heaved, his eyes
+seemed starting from his head, and in a voice tremulous with fright he
+exclaimed: "Oh! h-h!!! Gentlemen, gentlemen; I've swallowed the
+bul-let!"
+
+An Irish counsel who was once asked by the judge for whom he was
+"concerned," replied: "My lord, I am retained by the defendant, and
+therefore I am concerned for the plaintiff."
+
+A junior at the Bar in course of his speech began to use a simile of
+"the eagle soaring high above the mists of the earth, winning its daring
+flight against a midday sun till the contemplation becomes too dazzling
+for humanity, and mortal eyes gaze after it in vain." Here the orator
+was noticed to falter and lose the thread of his speech, and sat down
+after some vain attempts to regain it; the judge remarking: "The next
+time, sir, you bring an eagle into Court, I should recommend you to clip
+its wings."
+
+Mr. Tim Healy's power of effective and stinging repartee is probably
+unexcelled. He is seldom at a loss for a retort, and there are not a few
+politicians and others who regret having been foolish enough to rouse
+his resentment. There is on record, however, an amusing interlude in the
+passing of which Tim was discomfited--crushed, and found himself unable
+to "rise to the occasion."
+
+During the hearing of a case at the Recorder's Court in Dublin the
+Testament on which the witnesses were being sworn disappeared. After a
+lengthy hunt for it, counsel for the defendant noticed that Mr. Healy
+had taken possession of the book, and was deeply absorbed in its
+contents, and quite unconscious of the dismay its disappearance was
+causing.
+
+"I think, sir," said the counsel, addressing the Recorder, "that Mr.
+Healy has the Testament." Hearing his name mentioned, Mr. Healy looked
+up, realised what had occurred, and, with apologies, handed it over.
+
+"You see, sir," added the counsel, "Mr. Healy was so interested that he
+did not know of our loss. He took it for a new publication." For once
+Mr. Healy's nimble wit failed him, and forced him to submit to the
+humiliation of being scored off.
+
+In the North of Ireland the peasantry pronounce the word witness
+"wetness." At Derry Assizes a man said he had brought his "wetness" with
+him to corroborate his evidence. "Bless me," said the judge, "about what
+age are you?"--"Forty-two my last birthday, my lord," replied the
+witness. "Do you mean to tell the jury," said the judge, "that at your
+age you still have a wet nurse?"--"Of course I have, my lord." Counsel
+hereupon interposed and explained.
+
+The witness who gave the following valuable testimony, however, was
+probably keeping strictly to fact. "I sees Phelim on the top of the
+wall. 'Paddy,' he says. 'What,' says I. 'Here,' says he. 'Where?' says
+I. 'Hush,' says he. 'Whist,' says I. And that's all."
+
+The wit of the Irish Bar seems to infect even the officers of the Courts
+and the people who enter the witness-box. It is impossible, for example,
+not to admire the fine irony of the usher who, when he was told to clear
+the Court, called out: "All ye blaggards that are not lawyers lave the
+building."
+
+Irish judges have much greater difficulties to contend against, because
+the people with whom they have to deal have a fund of ready retort.
+"Sir," said an exasperated Irish judge to a witness who refused to
+answer the questions put to him--"sir, this is a contempt of Court."--"I
+know it, my lord, but I was endeavouring to concale it," was the
+irresistible reply.
+
+A certain Irish attorney threatening to prosecute a printer for
+inserting in his paper the death of a person still living, informed him
+that "No person should publish a death unless informed of the fact by
+the party deceased."
+
+A rather amusing story is told of a trial where one of the Irish jurymen
+had been "got at" and bribed to secure the jury agreeing to a verdict of
+"Manslaughter," however much they might want to return one upon the
+capital charge of "Murder." The jury were out for several hours, and it
+was believed that eventually the result would be that they would not
+agree upon a verdict at all. However, close upon midnight, they were
+starved into one, and it was that of "Manslaughter." Next day the
+particular juryman concerned received his promised reward, and in paying
+it, the man who had arranged it for him remarked: "I suppose you had a
+great deal of difficulty in getting the other jurymen to agree to a
+verdict of 'Manslaughter'?"--"I should just think I did," replied the
+man. "I had to knock it into them, for all the others--the whole eleven
+of them--wanted to acquit him."
+
+An Irish lawyer addressed the Court as _Gentlemen_ instead of _Your
+Honours_. When he had concluded, a brother lawyer pointed out his error.
+He immediately rose and apologised thus: "In the heat of the debate I
+called your honours gentlemen,--I made a mistake, your honours."
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER FIVE
+
+THE JUDGES OF SCOTLAND
+
+
+    "Ye Barristers of England
+      Your triumphs idle are,
+    Till ye can match the names that ring
+      Round Caledonia's Bar.
+    Your _John Doe_ and your Richard Roe
+      Are but a paltry pair:
+    Look at those who compose
+      The flocks round Brodie's Stair,
+    Who ruminate on Shaw and Tait
+      And flock round Brodie's Stair.
+
+    *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "But, Barristers of England,
+      Come to us lovingly,
+    And any Scot who greets you not
+      We'll send to Coventry.
+    Put past your brief, embark for Leith,
+      And when you've landed there,
+    Any wight with delight
+      Will point out Brodie's Stair
+    Or lead you all through Fountainhall
+      Till you enter Brodie's Stair."
+
+    OUTRAM: _Legal and other Lyrics_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER FIVE
+
+THE JUDGES OF SCOTLAND
+
+
+From the Institution of the Court of Session by James V of Scotland till
+well into the nineteenth century, it was the custom of Scottish judges
+when taking their seat on the Bench to assume a title from an estate--it
+might even be from a farm--already in their own or their family's
+possession. So we find that nearly every parish in Scotland has given
+birth to a judge who by this practice has made that parish or an estate
+in it more or less familiar to Scottish ears. Monboddo, near Fordoun, in
+Kincardineshire, at once recalls the judge who gave "attic suppers" in
+his house in St. John Street, Edinburgh, and held a theory that all
+infants were born with tails like monkeys; but under the modern practice
+of simply adding "Lord" to his surname of Burnet, we doubt if his
+eccentric personality would be so readily remembered. Lord Dirleton's
+_Doubts_, Lord Fountainhall's _Historical Observes_, carry a more
+imposing sound in their titles than if those one-time indispensable
+works of reference had been simply named Nisbet on Legal Doubts, and
+Lauder on Historical Observations of Memorable Events.
+
+The selection of a title was an important matter with these old judges.
+When Lauder was raised to the Bench, his estate to the south-east of
+Edinburgh was called Woodhead; but it would never have done for a
+Senator of the College of Justice to be known as "Lord Woodhead," so the
+name of the estate was changed to Fountainhall, and as Lord Fountainhall
+he took his seat among "the Fifteen" as the full Bench of judges was
+then termed.
+
+These old-time judges with their rugged ferocity, corruption, and
+occasionally brave words and deeds, in a great measure present to us now
+a miniature history of Scotland in the seventeenth and eighteenth
+centuries. "Show me the man, and I will show you the law," one is
+reported to have said, meaning that the litigant with the longest purse
+was pretty certain to win his case in the long run. They delighted in
+long arguments, and highly appreciated bewilderment in pleadings; "Dinna
+be brief," cried one judge when an advocate modestly asked to be briefly
+heard in a case in which he appeared as junior counsel. But the tendency
+to delay cases in the old Courts stretched beyond all reasonable lengths
+and became a scandal to the country. It was not a question of a month or
+even a year. Years passed and still cases remained undecided, some even
+were passed on from one generation to another--a litigant by his will
+handing on his plea in the Court to his successor along with his estate.
+This protracted delay in deciding causes formed the subject of that
+highly amusing and characteristic skit on the Scottish judges for which
+Boswell was largely responsible:
+
+    THE COURT OF SESSION GARLAND
+
+    PART FIRST
+
+    The Bill charged on was payable at sight
+    And decree was craved by Alexander Wight;[1]
+    But, because it bore a penalty in case of failzie
+    It therefore was null contended Willie Baillie.[2]
+
+    The Ordinary not chusing to judge it at random
+    Did with the minutes make avizandum.
+    And as the pleadings were vague and windy
+    His Lordship ordered memorials _hinc inde_.
+
+    We setting a stout heart to a stey brae
+    Took into the cause Mr. David Rae:[3]
+    Lord Auchenleck,[4] however, repelled our defence,
+    And over and above decerned for expence.
+
+    However of our cause not being asham'd,
+    Unto the whole Lords we straightway reclaim'd;
+    And our petition was appointed to be seen,
+    Because it was drawn by Robbie Macqueen.[5]
+
+    The answer of Lockhart[6] himself it was wrote,
+    And in it no argument or fact was forgot;
+    He is the lawyer that from no cause will flinch,
+    And on this occasion divided the Bench.
+
+    Alemoor,[7] the judgment as illegal blames,
+    'Tis equity, you bitch, replies my Lord Kames;[8]
+    This cause, cries Hailes,[9] to judge I can't pretend,
+    For Justice, I see, wants an _e_ at the end.
+
+    Lord Coalston[10] expressed his doubts and his fears,
+    And Strichen[11] then in his weel weels and O dears;
+    This cause much resembles that of M'Harg,
+    And should go the same way, says Lordy Barjarg.[12]
+
+    Let me tell you, my Lords, this cause is no joke;
+    Says with a horse laugh my Lord Elliock[13]
+    To have read all the papers I pretend not to brag,
+    Says my Lord Gardenstone[14] with a snuff and a wag.
+
+    Up rose the President,[15] and an angry man was he,
+    To alter this judgment I never can agree;
+    The east wing said yes, and the west wing cried not,
+    And it carried ahere by my Lord's casting vote.
+
+    This cause being somewhat knotty and perplext,
+    Their Lordships not knowing what they'd determine next;
+    And as the session was to rise so soon,
+    They superseded extract till the 12th of June.
+
+
+    PART SECOND
+
+    Having lost it, so now we prepare for the summer,
+    And on the 12th of June presented a reclaimer;
+    But dreading a refuse, we gave Dundas[16] a fee,
+    And though it run nigh it was carried to see.
+
+    In order to bring aid from usage beyond,
+    The answers were drawn by quondam Mess John;[17]
+    He united with such art our law the civil,
+    That the counsel, on both sides, would have seen him to the devil.
+
+    The cause being called, my Lord Justice-Clerk,[18]
+    With all due respect, began a loud bark;
+    He appeal'd to his conscience, his heart, and from thence,
+    Concluded to alter, but give no expence.
+
+    Lord Stonefield,[19] unwilling his judgment to podder,
+    Or to be precipitate agreed with his brother;
+    But Monboddo[20] was clear the bill to enforce,
+    Because, he observed, 'twas the price of a horse.
+
+    Says Pitfour[21] with a wink and his hat all agee,
+    I remember a case in the year twenty-three,
+    The magistrates of Banff contra Robert Carr,
+    I remember well, I was then at the Bar.
+
+    Likewise, my Lords, in the case of Peter Caw,
+    _Superflua non nocent_ was found to be law:
+    Lord Kennet[22] also quoted the case of one Lithgow
+    Where a penalty in a bill was held _pro non scripto_.
+
+    Lord President brought his chair to the plum,
+    Laid hold of the bench and brought forward his bum;
+    In these answers, my Lords, some freedoms have been used,
+    Which I could point out, provided I chus'd.
+
+    I was for this interlocutor, my Lords, I admit,
+    But am open to conviction as long's I here do sit;
+    To oppose your precedents I quote you some clauses,
+    But Tait[23] _a priori_ hurried up the causes.
+
+    He prov'd it as clear as the sun in the sky
+    That the maxims of law could not here apply,
+    That the writing in question was neither bill nor band
+    But something unknown in the law of the land.
+
+    The question adhere or alter being put,
+    It carried to alter by a casting vote:
+    Baillie then mov'd.--In the bill there's a raze,
+    But by that time their Lordships had called a new case.
+
+
+    FOOTNOTES:
+
+     [1] Wight: a well-known advocate of the period.
+     [2] Baillie: Lord Palkemmet.
+     [3] Afterwards Lord Eskgrove.
+     [4] The father of James Boswell.
+     [5] Afterwards Lord Braxfield.
+     [6] Lord Covington.
+     [7] Andrew Pringle.
+     [8] Henry Home, who was notorious for the use of the epithet in the
+          text.
+     [9] Sir David Dalrymple, author of the _Annals of Scotland_.
+    [10] George Brown of Coalston.
+    [11] Alexander Fraser of Strichen.
+    [12] James Erskine, who changed his title to Lord Alva.
+    [13] James Veitch.
+    [14] Francis Garden, who founded the town of Laurencekirk in
+          Kincardineshire.
+    [15] Robert Dundas, first Lord President of that name.
+    [16] Henry, first Viscount Melville, the friend of Pitt.
+    [17] A nickname for John Erskine of Carnoch.
+    [18] Sir Thomas Miller of Glenlee.
+    [19] John Campbell, raised to the Bench in 1796.
+    [20] Jas. Burnet of Monboddo, who had a theory that human beings
+          were born with tails.
+    [21] James Ferguson of Pitfour. Owing to weak eyesight he wore his
+          hat on the Bench.
+    [22] Robert Bruce of Kennet.
+    [23] Clerk of Session.
+
+It was the first Lord Meadowbank, who wearying of the dry statement of a
+case made by Mr. Thomas W. Blair, broke in with the remark: "Declaim,
+sir! why don't you declaim? Speak to me as if I were a popular
+assembly."
+
+In the reign of Queen Anne there was an old Scottish judge--Lord
+Dun--who was particularly distinguished for his piety. Thomas Coutts,
+the founder of the bank now so well known, used to relate of him that
+when a difficult case came before him, as Lord Ordinary, he used to say,
+"Eh, Lord, what am I to do? Eh, sirs, I wish you would make it up!" Of
+another judge of much the same period, also noted for his strict
+observance of religious ordinances; but who, at the same time, did not
+allow these to interfere with his social habits, it is related that
+every Saturday evening he had with him his niece, who afterwards married
+a more famous Scottish judge, Andrew Fletcher, Lord Milton, Charles Ross
+who made himself prominent in the "45" Rebellion, and David Reid, his
+clerk. The judge had what was, and in some parts of Scotland still is,
+known as "the exercise," which consisted of the reading of a chapter
+from the Bible, and his form of announcing the evening devotions was:
+"Betsy (his niece), ye hae a sweet voice, lift ye up a psalm; Charles,
+ye hae a gey strong voice, read the chapter; and David, fire ye the
+plate." Firing the plate consisted of a dish of brandy prepared for the
+company, of which David took charge, and while the first part of the
+proceedings were in progress David lighted the brandy, which when he
+thought it burnt to his master's taste he blew out, and this was the
+signal for the others to stop, while the whole company partook of the
+burnt brandy. This same judge--Lord Forglen--was walking one day with
+Lord Newhall, in the latter's grounds. Lord Newhall was a grave and
+austere man, while, as may be gathered, Lord Forglen was a medley of
+curious elements. As they passed a picturesque bend of a river Lord
+Forglen exclaimed: "Now, my lord, this is a fine walk. If ye want to
+pray to God, can there be a better place? If ye want to kiss a bonny
+lass, can there be a better place?"
+
+[Illustration: SIR DAVID RAE, LORD ESKGROVE.]
+
+Sir David Rae (Lord Eskgrove), Lord Justice-Clerk of Scotland, has been
+described as a ludicrous person about whom people seemed to have nothing
+else to do but tell stories. Sir Walter Scott imitated perfectly his
+slow manner of speech and peculiar pronunciation, which always put an
+accent on the last syllable of a word, and the letter "g" when at the
+end of a word got its full value. When a knot of young advocates was
+seen standing round the fireplace of the Parliament Hall listening to a
+low muttering voice, and the party suddenly broke up in roars of
+laughter, it was pretty certain to be a select company to whom Sir
+Walter had been retailing one of the latest stories of Lord Eskgrove.
+
+He was a man of much self-importance, which comes out in his remarks to
+a young lady of great beauty who was called as a witness in the trial of
+Glengarry for murder. "Young woman, you will now consider yourself as in
+the presence of Almighty God, and of this Court; lift up your veil,
+throw off all modesty, and look _me_ in the face."
+
+Sir John Henderson of Fordell, a zealous Whig, had long nauseated the
+Scottish Civil Courts by his burgh politics. Their lordships of the
+Bench had once to fix the amount of some discretionary penalty that he
+had incurred. Lord Eskgrove began to give his opinion in a very low
+voice, but loud enough to be heard by those next him, to the effect that
+the fine ought to be L50, when Sir John, with his usual imprudence,
+interrupted him and begged him to raise his voice, adding that if judges
+did not speak so as to be heard they might as well not speak at all.
+Lord Eskgrove, who could never endure any imputation of bodily
+infirmity, asked his neighbour, "What does the fellow say?"--"He says,
+that if you don't speak out, you may as well hold your tongue."--"Oh, is
+that what he says? My lords, what I was saying was very simpell; I was
+only sayingg, that in my humbell opinyon this fine could not be less
+than L250 sterlingg"--this sum being roared out as loudly as his old
+angry voice could launch it.
+
+A common saying of his to juries was: "And now, gentle-men, having shown
+you that the panell's argument is impossibill, I shall now proceed to
+show you that it is extremely improbabill."
+
+In condemning some persons to death for breaking into Sir John
+Colquhoun's house and assaulting him and others, as well as robbing
+them, Eskgrove, after enumerating minutely the details of their crime,
+closed his address to the prisoners with this climax: "All this you did;
+and God preserve us! juist when they were sitten doon tae their denner."
+
+When condemning a tailor convicted of stabbing a soldier, the offence
+was aggravated in Lord Eskgrove's eyes by the fact that "not only did
+you murder him, whereby he was berea-ved of his life, but you did
+thrust, or push, or pierce, or project, or propell, the le-thall weapon
+through the belly-band of his regimental breeches, which were his
+Majesty's."
+
+One of the most biting of caustic jests made by a judge of the old Court
+of Session of Scotland, before its reconstruction at the beginning of
+the nineteenth century, was uttered during the hearing of a claim to a
+peerage. The claimant was obviously resting his case upon forged
+documents, and the judge suddenly remarked in the broad dialect of the
+time, "If ye persevere ye'll nae doot be a peer, but it will be a peer
+o' anither tree!" The claimant did not appreciate this idea of being
+grafted, and abandoned the case.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+To return to the stories of the earlier period of the eighteenth
+century, there is one told of Lord Halkerston. He was waited on by a
+tenant, who with a woeful countenance informed his lordship that one of
+his cows had gored a cow belonging to the judge, and he feared the
+injured animal could not live. "Well, then, of course you must pay for
+it," said his lordship. "Indeed, my lord, it was not my fault, and you
+know I am but a very poor man."--"I can't help that. The law says you
+must pay for it. I am not to lose my cow, am I?"--"Well, my lord, if it
+must be so, I cannot say more. But I forgot what I was saying. It was my
+mistake entirely. I should have said that it was your lordship's cow
+that gored mine."--"Oh, is that it? That's quite a different affair. Go
+along, and don't trouble me just now. I am very busy. Be off, I say!"
+
+And there is one of the testy old Lord Polkemmet when he interrupted Mr.
+James Ferguson, afterwards Lord Kilkerran, whose energy in enforcing a
+point in his address to the Bench took the form of beating violently on
+the table: "Maister Jemmy, dinna dunt; ye may think ye're dunting it
+_intill me_, but ye're juist _dunting it oot o' me_, man."
+
+He was reputed to be dull, and rarely decided a case upon the first
+hearing. On one occasion, after having heard counsel, among whom was the
+Hon. Henry Erskine, John Clerk, and others, in a cause of no great
+difficulty, he addressed the Bar: "Well, Maister Erskine, I heard you,
+and I thocht ye were richt; syne I heard you, Dauvid, and I thocht ye
+were richt; and noo I hae heard Maister Clerk, and I think he's richtest
+amang ye a'. That bauthers me, ye see! Sae I man een tak' hame the
+process an' wimble-wamble it i' ma wame a wee ower ma toddy, and syne
+ye'se hae ma interlocutor."
+
+"The Fifteen," as the full Bench of the old Court of Session of Scotland
+was popularly called, were deliberating on a bill of suspension and
+interdict relative to certain caravans with wild beasts on the then
+vacant ground which formed the beginning of the new communication with
+the new Town of Edinburgh spreading westwards and the Lawnmarket--now
+known as the Mound. In the course of the proceedings Lord Bannatyne fell
+fast asleep. The case was disposed of and the next called, which related
+to a right of lien over certain goods. The learned lord who continued
+dozing having heard the word "lien" pronounced with an emphatic accent
+by Lord Meadowbank, raised the following discussion:
+
+Meadowbank: "I am very clear that there was a lien on this property."
+
+Bannatyne: "Certain; but it ought to be chained, because----"
+
+Balmuto: "My lord, it's no a livin' lion, it's the Latin word for lien"
+(leen).
+
+Hermand: "No, sir; the word is French."
+
+Balmuto: "I thought it was Latin, for it's in italics."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HENRY HOME, LORD KAMES.]
+
+Henry Home (Lord Kames) was at once one of the most enlightened and
+learned of Scottish judges of the latter half of the eighteenth century,
+and one of the most eccentric. His _History of Mankind_ brought him into
+correspondence with most of the famous men and women of his day, and yet
+it was his delight to walk up the Canongate and High Street with a
+half-witted creature who made it his business to collect all the gossip
+of the town and retail it to his lordship as he made his way to Court in
+the morning. His humour was very sarcastic, and nothing delighted him
+more than to observe that it cut home. Leaving the Court one day shortly
+before his death he met James Boswell, and accosted him with, "Well,
+Boswell, I shall be meeting your old father one of these days, what
+shall I say to him how you are getting on now?" Boswell disdained to
+reply. After a witness in a capital trial at Perth Circuit concluded his
+evidence, Lord Kames said to him, "Sir, I have one question more to ask
+you, and remember you are on your oath. You say you are from
+Brechin?"--"Yes, my lord."--"When do you return thither?"--"To-morrow,
+my lord."--"Do you know Colin Gillies?"--"Yes, my lord; I know him very
+well."--"Then tell him that I shall breakfast with him on Tuesday
+morning."
+
+Lord Kames used to relate a story of a man who claimed the honour of his
+acquaintance on rather singular grounds. His lordship, when one of the
+justiciary judges, returning from the North Circuit to Perth, happened
+one night to sleep at Dunkeld. The next morning, walking towards the
+ferry, but apprehending he had missed his way, he asked a man whom he
+met to conduct him. The other answered, with much cordiality, "That I
+will do with all my heart, my lord. Does not your lordship remember me?
+My name's John ----. I have had the _honour_ to be before your lordship
+for stealing sheep!"--"Oh, John, I remember you well; and how is your
+wife? She had the honour to be before me too, for receiving them,
+knowing them to be stolen."--"At your lordship's service. We were very
+lucky; we got off for want of evidence; and I am still going on in the
+butcher trade."--"Then," replied his lordship, "we may have the honour
+of meeting again."
+
+Once when on Circuit his lordship had been dozing on the bench, a noise
+created by the entrance of a new panel woke him, and he inquired what
+the matter was. "Oh, it's a woman, my lord, accused of child
+murder."--"And a weel farred b--h too," muttered his lordship, loud
+enough to be heard by those present.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: JOHN CLERK, LORD ELDIN.]
+
+John Clerk (Lord Eldin) was one of the best-known advocates at the
+Scottish Bar in the first quarter of the nineteenth century, and
+probably the last of them to retain the old Scots style of
+pronunciation. His voice was loud and his manner brow-beating, from
+which the Bench suffered equally with his brother members of the Bar. He
+suffered from a lameness in one leg, which was made the subject of a
+passing remark by two young women in the High Street of Edinburgh one
+day as Clerk was making his way to Court. "There goes John Clerk the
+lame lawyer," said one to the other. Clerk overheard the remark, and
+turning back addressed the speaker: "The lame man, my good woman, not
+the lame lawyer."
+
+The stories of his advocate days are numerous, and many of them probably
+well known. In his retention of old Scots pronunciation he got the
+better of Lord Eldon when pleading before the House of Lords one day.
+"That's the whole thing in plain English, ma lords," he said. "In plain
+Scotch, you mean, Mr. Clerk."--"Nae maitter, in plain common sense, ma
+lords, and that's the same in a' languages." On another occasion before
+the same tribunal he had frequently referred to water, pronouncing it
+"watter," when he was interrupted by the inquiry, "Do you spell water
+with two t's in the north, Mr. Clerk?"--"No, my lord, but we spell
+mainners wi' twa n's." And there is the well-known one of his use of the
+word "enough," which in old Scots was pronounced "enow." His repetition
+of the word in the latter form drew from the Lord Chancellor the remark
+that at the English Courts the word was pronounced "enough." "Very well,
+my lord," replied Clerk, and he proceeded with his address till coming
+to describe his client, who was a ploughman, and his client's claim, he
+went on: "My lords, my client is a pluffman, who pluffs a pluff gang o'
+land in the parish of," &c. "Oh! just go on with your own pronunciation,
+Mr. Clerk," remarked the Lord Chancellor.
+
+His encounters with members of the Scottish Bench were of a more
+personal character. Indeed, for years he appears to have held most of
+them in unfeigned contempt. A junior counsel on hearing their lordships
+give judgment against his client exclaimed that he was surprised at such
+a decision. This was construed into contempt of Court, and he was
+ordered to attend at the Bar next morning. Fearing the consequences of
+his rash remark, he consulted John Clerk, who offered to apologise for
+him in a way that would avert any unpleasant result. Accordingly, when
+the name of the delinquent was called, John Clerk rose and addressed the
+Bench: "I am sorry, my lords, that my young friend so far forgot
+himself as to treat your lordships with disrespect. He is extremely
+penitent, and you will kindly ascribe his unintentional insult to his
+ignorance. You will see at once that it did not originate in that: he
+said he was surprised at the decision of your lordships. Now, if he had
+not been very ignorant of what takes place in this Court every day; had
+he known your lordships but half so long as I have done, he would not be
+surprised at anything you did."
+
+Two judges, father and son, sat on the Scottish Bench, in succession,
+under the title of Lord Meadowbank. The second Lord Meadowbank was by no
+means such a powerful judge as his father. In his Court, Clerk was
+pressing his construction of some words in a conveyance, and contrasting
+the use of the word "also" with the use of the word "likewise."
+
+"Surely, Mr. Clerk," said his lordship, "you cannot seriously argue that
+'also' means anything different from 'likewise'! They mean precisely the
+same thing; and it matters not which of them is preferred."--"Not at
+all, my lord; there is all the difference in the world between these two
+words. Let us take an instance: your worthy father was a judge on that
+Bench; your lordship is 'also' a judge on the same Bench; but it does
+not follow that you are a judge 'like wise.'"
+
+When Meadowbank was about to be raised to the Bench he consulted John
+Clerk about the title he should adopt. Clerk's suggestion was "Lord
+Preserve Us." The legal acquirements of James Wolfe Murray were not held
+in high esteem by his brethren of the Bar, and when he became a judge
+with the title of Lord Cringletie, Clerk wrote the following clever
+epigram:
+
+    "Necessity and Cringletie
+      Are fitted to a tittle;
+    Necessity has nae law,
+      And Cringletie as little."
+
+The only man on the Bench for whom John Clerk retained a respectfulness
+not generally exhibited to others in that position was Lord President
+Blair. After hearing the President overturn without any effort an
+argument he had laboriously built up, and which appeared to be regarded
+as unsurmountable by the audience who heard it, Clerk sat still for a
+few moments, then as he rose to leave the Court he was heard to say: "My
+man, God Almighty spared nae pains when He made your brains."
+
+When he ascended the Bench in his sixty-fifth year, and when his
+physical powers were declining, he received the congratulations of his
+brother judges, one of whom expressed surprise that he had waited so
+long for the distinction. "Well, you see, I did not get 'doited' just as
+soon as the rest of you," replied the new-made judge.
+
+Like the generation preceding his, Clerk was of a very convivial
+disposition. Of him the story is told that one Sunday morning, while
+people were making their way to church, he appeared at his door in York
+Place in his dressing-gown and cowl, with a lighted candle in his hand,
+showing out two friends who had been carousing with him, and in the firm
+belief that it was about midnight instead of next mid-day. At the
+termination of a Bannatyne Club dinner, where wit and wine had contended
+for the mastery, the excited judge on the way to his carriage tumbled
+downstairs and, _miserabile dictu_, broke his nose, an accident which
+compelled him to confine himself to the house for some time. He
+reappeared, however, with a large patch on his olfactory member, which
+gave a most ludicrous expression to his face. On someone inquiring how
+this happened, he said it was the effect of his studies. "Studies!"
+ejaculated the inquirer. "Yes," growled the judge; "ye've heard, nae
+doot, about _Coke upon Littleton_, but I suppose you never before heard
+of _Clerk upon Stair_!"
+
+When asked by a friend what was the difference between him and Lord
+Eldon, the Lord Chancellor of England, Eldin replied; "Oh, there's only
+an 'i' of a difference."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: CHARLES HAY, LORD NEWTON.]
+
+Charles Hay (Lord Newton), known in private life as "The Mighty," has
+been described by Lord Cockburn as "famous for law, paunch, whist,
+claret, and worth." His indulgence in wine and his great bulk made him
+slumbrous, and when sitting in Court after getting the gist of a case he
+almost invariably fell fast asleep. Yet it is strange to find it
+recorded that whenever anything pertinent to the matter under discussion
+was said he was immediately wide awake and in full possession of his
+reasoning faculties. While a very zealous but inexperienced counsel was
+pleading before him, his lordship had been dozing, as usual, for some
+time, till at last the young man, supposing him asleep, and confident of
+a favourable judgment in his case, stopped short in his pleading and,
+addressing the other judges on the Bench, said: "My lords, it is
+unnecessary that I should go on, as Lord Newton is fast asleep."--"Ay,
+ay," cried Lord Newton, "you will have proof of that by and by"--when,
+to the astonishment of the young advocate, after a most luminous view of
+the case, he gave a very decided and elaborate judgment against him.
+
+Lord Jeffrey himself declared that he only went to Oxford to improve his
+accent, and according to some of the older members of the Bar of his
+days, he only lost his Scots accent and did not learn the English. A
+story of his early days at the Bar is related to the effect that when
+pleading before Lord Newton the judge stopped him and asked in broad
+Scots, "Whaur were ye educat', Maister Jawfrey."--"Oxford, my
+lord."--"Then I doot ye maun gang back there again, for we can mak'
+nocht o' ye here." But Mr. Jeffrey got back his own. For, before the
+same judge, happening to speak of an "itinerant violinist," Lord Newton
+inquired: "D'ye mean a blin' fiddler?"--"Vulgarly so called, my lord,"
+was the reply.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: HENRY COCKBURN, LORD COCKBURN.]
+
+Circuit Courts were in Scotland, in the eighteenth and early years of
+the nineteenth century (as in England and Ireland), occasions for a
+great display in the county towns in which they were held. Whether the
+judges had arrived on horseback or as later in their private carriages,
+there was always the procession to the court-house, in which the
+notabilities of the district took part. Lord Cockburn, who had no
+sympathy with this part of a judge's duties, thus describes one of his
+experiences in the early days of his Circuit journeys: "Yet there are
+some of us who like the procession, though it can never be anything but
+mean and ludicrous, and who fancy that a line of soldiers, or the more
+civic array of paltry policemen, or of doited special constables,
+protecting a couple of judges who flounder in awkward gowns and wigs
+through ill-paved streets, followed by a few sneering advocates and
+preceded by two or three sheriffs or their substitutes, with their
+swords, which trip them, and a provost and some bailie-bodies trying to
+look grand, the whole defended by a poor iron mace, and advancing each
+with a different step, to the sound of two cracked trumpets, ill-blown
+by a couple of drunken royal trumpeters, the spectators all laughing,
+who fancy that all this pretence of greatness and reality of littleness
+contributes to the dignity of judges." Things are changed now. Even Lord
+Cockburn saw the change that the introduction of railways made in the
+progress of Circuit work, and with them a lesser display and more
+dignified opening of the courts of justice in local towns. But the older
+Circuits were times of much feasting and merriment, in which the judges
+of that period took their full share as well as the members of the Bar
+accompanying them. In the eyes of some of these old worthies it was part
+of the dignity of their position to sit down after Court work at two
+o'clock in the morning to a collation of salmon and roast beef, and
+drink bumpers of claret and mulled port with the provosts and other
+local worthies, although they were due in Court that same morning at
+nine to try some miserable creature for a serious crime. Lord Pitmilly
+had no stomach for such proceedings, his inclination was stronger for
+decorum and law than for revelling. Once at a Circuit town he ordered
+his servant to bring to his room a kettle of hot water. Lord Hermand on
+his way to dinner at midnight, meeting the servant, said, "God bless
+me, is he going to make a whole kettle of punch--and before supper
+too?"--"No, my lord, he's going to bed, but he wants to bathe his
+feet."--"Feet, sir! what ails his feet? Tell him to put some rum among
+it, and to give it all to his stomach."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Circuit sermon was an important part of the duties to which the
+judges had to attend in the course of their visits in the country. One
+of these that Lord Cockburn had to listen to was delivered from the
+text, "What are these that are arrayed in white robes, and whence came
+they?" There was nothing personal intended, but the ermine on the judges
+gowns naturally attracted significant glances from the other members of
+the congregation. A Glasgow clergyman and friend of the judge, not
+knowing that his lordship was present in his church, preached from the
+text, "There was in a city a judge which feared not God, neither
+regarded man." The announcement of the text directed all eyes towards
+the learned judge, which attracting the preacher's attention nearly
+prevented him from proceeding further with the service. The judge was
+the pious Lord Moncreiff, the son of the Rev. Sir Henry Wellwood
+Moncreiff, and the text stuck to him ever afterwards. But there seemed
+to have been deliberation in selection of the text made by a
+south-country minister who, before Lord Justice Boyle and Samuel
+M'Cormick, Advocate-Depute, preached from I Samuel vii. 16, "And Samuel
+went from year to year in circuit to Bethel, and Gilgal, and Mizpeh."
+The two legal gentlemen took offence at this audacious attempt to
+ridicule the Court, they identifying the places mentioned in the text as
+representing their circuit towns of Jedburgh, Dumfries, and Ayr. In this
+connection maybe told the story of Lord Hermand, beside whom stood the
+clergyman whose duty it was to offer up the opening prayer before the
+work of the Court began. He seemed to think the company had assembled
+for no other purpose than to hear him perform, and after praying loud
+and long his lordship's patience gave way, and with a decided jog of his
+elbow he exclaimed in a stage whisper, "We've a lot of business to do,
+sir."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a somewhat rare volume printed for private circulation we are
+permitted to quote the following ballad, the authorship of which may be
+easily guessed, as the circuiteer who mourns the loss of his Circuit
+days may be as easily identified.
+
+    THE EX-CIRCUITEER'S LAMENT
+
+      Ae morning at the dawning
+      I saw a Counsel yawning,
+    And heard him say, in accents that were anything but gay,
+      As sadly he was grinding
+      At a meikle multiplepoinding,--
+    The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.
+
+      Nae banter frae Lord Deas,
+      Nae promises o' fees
+    That never will be paid afore the judgment-day,
+      Nae lies dubbed "information,"
+      From the worst rogues in the nation,--
+    The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.
+
+      Nae haveral wutty witness,
+      Displaying his unfitness,
+    Tae see some sma' distinction 'tween a trial and a play,
+      Nae witness primed at lunch
+      Wi' perjuries and punch,--
+    The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.
+
+      Nae laughing-gas orations,
+      Nae treading on the patience
+    Of Judges and of Juries, who will let you say your say,
+      Yet pay but sma' attention
+      To the gems of your invention,--
+    The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.
+
+      Nae mair delightful wondering
+      At a new man blandly blundering,
+    Nae kind hints from the Court that he's gangin far astray,
+      Nae flowery depictions
+      In the teeth of ten convictions,--
+    The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.
+
+      Nae whacking ten years' sentence,
+      Wi' advices o' repentance,
+    And learn in years of leisure to admire the "law's delay."
+      Nae fell female fury,
+      Blackguarding Judge and Jury,--
+    The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.
+
+      Nay grey auld woman sobbing,
+      Nae mair you'll catch her robbing,
+    And a' the Christian virtues henceforth she will display,
+      If the Judge will but have mercy
+      (For the sixteenth time I daresay),--
+    The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.
+
+      Nae processions, nae pageants,
+      Nae pawky country agents,
+    Nae macers, nae trumpeters, wi' tipsy blare and bray,
+      Nae Councillors or Bailie,
+      Or Provost smiling gaily,--
+    The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.
+
+      Nae funny cross-examining,
+      Nae jurymen begammoning,
+    Nae laughter from the audience, nae gallery's hurrah,
+      Nae fleeching for acquittal,
+      Though you don't care a spittle,--
+    The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.
+
+      Nae playing _hocus-pocus_
+      With the _tempus_ and the _locus_,
+    Nae pleas in mitigation (a kittle job are they),
+      Nae bonny rapes and reivings,
+      Nae forgeries and thievings,--
+    The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.
+
+      Nae dinners wi' the Judges,
+      Nae drooning a' your grudges
+    In deep, deep draughts o' claret, and a' your senses tae,
+      Nae chatter wise or witty
+      On ticklish points o' dittay,--
+    The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away.
+
+      Nae high-jinks after dinner
+      Wi' ony madcap sinner,
+    Nae drinking whisky-toddy until the break o' day,
+      Nae speeches till a hiccup
+      Compels a sudden stick-up,--
+    The nichts o' my Circuits are a' fled away.
+
+Lord Hermand's manner on the Bench conveyed the impression that he was
+of an impatient, almost savage temper, but in his domestic circle he was
+one of the warmest-hearted of men, and one with the simplest of tastes.
+His outbursts on the Bench, too, were emphasised by what, in Scotland,
+was called "Birr"--the emphatic energy of his pronunciation--which may
+be imagined but cannot be transcribed in the following dialogue between
+him and Lord Meadowbank.
+
+Meadowbank: "We are bound to give judgment in terms of the statute, my
+lords."
+
+Hermand: "A statute! What's a statute? Words--mere words. And am _I_ to
+be tied down by words? No, my laards; I go by the law of right reason."
+
+He was a great friend of John Scott (Lord Eldon). In a case appealed to
+the House of Lords, Scott had taken the trouble to write out his speech,
+and read it over to Hermand, inviting his opinion of it. "It is
+delightful--absolutely delightful. I could listen to it for ever," said
+Hermand. "It is so beautifully written, and so beautifully read. But,
+sir, it's the greatest nonsense! It may do very well for an English
+Chancellor, but it would disgrace a clerk with us." The blunder that
+drew forth this criticism was a gross one for a Scottish lawyer, but one
+an English barrister might readily fall into.
+
+It was put forward in mitigation of the crime that the prisoner was in
+liquor when, either rashly or accidentally, he stabbed his friend. While
+the other judges were in favour of a short sentence, Lord Hermand--who
+had no sympathy with a man who could not carry his liquor--was vehement
+for transportation: "We are told that there was no malice, and that the
+prisoner must have been in liquor. In liquor! Why, he was drunk!... And
+yet he murdered the very man who had been drinking with him! Good God,
+my laards, if he will do this when he is drunk, what will he not do when
+he is sober?"
+
+On one of Lord Hermand's circuits a wag put a musical-box, which played
+"Jack Alive," on one of the seats of the Court. The music struck the
+audience with consternation, and the judge stared in the air, looking
+unutterable things, and frantically called out, "Macer, what in the name
+of God is that?" The macer looked round in vain, when the wag called
+out, "It's 'Jack Alive,' my lord."--"Dead or alive, put him out this
+moment," called out the judge. "We can't grip him, my lord."--"If he has
+the art of hell, let every man assist to arraign him before me, that I
+may commit him for this outrage and contempt." Everybody tried to
+discover the offender, and fortunately the music ceased. But it began
+again half an hour afterwards, and the judge exclaimed, "Is he there
+again? By all that's sacred, he shall not escape me this time--fence,
+bolt, bar the doors of the Court, and at your peril let not a man,
+living or dead, escape." All was bustle and confusion, the officers
+looked east and west, and up in the air and down on the floor; but the
+search was in vain. The judge at last began to suspect witchcraft, and
+exclaimed, "This is a _deceptio auris_--it is absolute delusion,
+necromancy, phantasmagoria." And to the day of his death the judge never
+understood the precise origin of this unwonted visitation.
+
+On another occasion, in his own Court in the Parliament House, he was
+annoyed by a noise near the door, and called to the macer, "What is that
+noise?"--"It's a man, my lord."--"What does he want?"--"He _wants in_,
+my lord."--"Keep him out!" The man, it seems, did get in, and soon
+afterwards a like noise was renewed, and his lordship again demanded,
+"What's the noise there?"--"It's the same man, my lord."--"What does he
+want now?"--"He _wants out_, my lord."--"Then _keep him in_--I say,
+_keep him in_!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Lord President Campbell, after the fashion of those times, was somewhat
+addicted to browbeating young counsel; and as bearding a judge on the
+Bench is not a likely way to rise in favour, his lordship generally got
+it all his own way. Upon one occasion, however, he caught a tartar. His
+lordship had what are termed pig's eyes, and his voice was thin and
+weak. Corbet, a bold and sarcastic counsel in his younger days, had been
+pleading before the Inner House, and as usual the President commenced
+his attack, when his intended victim thus addressed him: "My lord, it is
+not for me to enter into any altercation with your lordship, for no one
+knows better than I do the great difference between us; you occupy the
+highest place on the Bench, and I the lowest at the Bar; and then, my
+lord, I have not your lordship's voice of thunder--I have not your
+lordship's rolling eye of command."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ROBERT MACQUEEN, LORD BRAXFIELD.]
+
+Robert Macqueen (Lord Braxfield), the prototype of Stevenson's "Weir of
+Hermiston," was known as the "hanging judge"--the Judge Jeffreys of
+Scotland; but he was a sound judge. He argued a point in a colloquial
+style, asking a question, and himself supplying the answer in his clear,
+abrupt manner. But he was illiterate, and without the least desire for
+refined enjoyment, holding in disdain natures less coarse than his own;
+he shocked the feelings of those even of an age which had less decorum
+than prevailed in that which succeeded, and would not be tolerated by
+the working classes of to-day. Playing whist with a lady, he exclaimed,
+"What are ye doin', ye damned auld ...," and then recollecting himself,
+"Your pardon's begged, madam; I took ye for my wife." When his butler
+gave up his place because his lordship's wife was always scolding him:
+"Lord," he exclaimed, "ye've little to complain o'; ye may be thankfu'
+ye're no mairred to her."
+
+His most notorious sayings from the Bench were uttered during the trials
+for sedition towards the end of the eighteenth century, and even some of
+these are too coarse for repetition. "Ye're a very clever chiel," he
+said to one of the prisoners; "but ye wad be nane the waur o' a
+hangin'." And to a juror arriving late in Court he said, "Come awa,
+Maister Horner, come awa and help us to hang ane o' they damned
+scoondrels." Hanging was his term for all kinds of punishment.
+
+To Margarot, a Baptist minister of Dundee--another of the political
+prisoners of that time--he said, "Hae ye ony coonsel, man?"--"No,"
+replied Margarot. "Dae ye want tae hae ony appointed?" continued the
+Justice-Clerk. "No," replied the prisoner, "I only want an interpreter
+to make me understand what your lordship says."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We have already referred to Lord Moncreiff's piety, and to it must be
+added his great simplicity of nature. Like many of his predecessors, he
+had a habit of making long speeches to prisoners on their conviction;
+but his intention was to help them to a better mode of life, not to
+aggravate their feelings by silly or coarse remarks. This habit,
+however, led him occasionally into enunciating principles which rather
+astonished his friends. In a murder case he found that the woman killed
+was not the wife of the prisoner but his mistress, which led his
+lordship to explain to the prisoner that it might have been some apology
+for his crime had the woman been his wife, because there was difficulty
+in getting rid of her any other way. But the victim being only his
+associate he could have left her at any time, and consequently there
+were absolutely no ameliorating circumstances in the case. From this
+point of view it would seem to have been (in Lord Moncreiff's eyes) less
+criminal to murder a wife than a mistress. In another, a bigamy case,
+after referring to the perfidy and cruelty to the women and their
+relations, Lord Cockburn reports him to have said: "All this is bad; but
+your true iniquity consists in this, that you degraded that holy
+ceremony which our blessed Saviour _condescended_ to select as the type
+of the connection between him and His redeemed Church."
+
+In the Court of Session, the judges who do not attend or give a proper
+excuse for their absence are (or were) liable to a fine. This,
+however, is never enforced: but it is customary on the first day of the
+session for the absentee to send an excuse to the Lord President. Lord
+Stonefield having sent an excuse, and the Lord President mentioning that
+he had done so, the Lord Justice-Clerk said: "What excuse can a stout
+fellow like him hae?"--"My lord," said the President, "he has lost his
+wife." To which the Justice-Clerk replied: "Has he? That is a gude
+excuse indeed, I wish we had a' the same."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Lord Cockburn's looks, tones, language, and manner were always such as
+to make one think that he believed every word he said. On one occasion,
+before he was raised to the Bench, when defending a murderer, although
+he failed to convince the judge and jurymen of the innocence of his
+client, yet he convinced the murderer himself that he was innocent.
+Sentence of death was pronounced, and the day of execution fixed for the
+3rd of March. As Lord Cockburn was passing the condemned man, the latter
+seized him by the gown, saying: "I have not got justice!" To this the
+advocate coolly replied: "Perhaps not; but you'll get it on the 3rd of
+March."
+
+Cockburn's racy humour displayed itself in another serious case; one in
+which a farm-servant was charged with maiming his master's cattle by
+cutting off their tails. A consultation was held on the question of the
+man's mental condition at which the farmer was present, and at the close
+of it some conversation took place about the disposal of the cattle.
+Turning to the farmer Cockburn said that they might be sold, but that he
+would have to dispose of them wholesale for he could not now _retail_
+them.
+
+He was walking on the hillside on his estate of Bonaly, near Edinburgh,
+talking to his shepherd, and speculating about the reasons why his sheep
+lay on what seemed to be the least sheltered and coldest situation on
+the hill. Said his lordship: "John, if I were a sheep I would lie on the
+other side of the hill." The shepherd answered: "Ay, my lord; but if ye
+had been a sheep ye would have had mair sense."
+
+Sitting long after the usual hour listening to a prosy counsel, Lord
+Cockburn was commiserated by a friend as they left the Court together
+with the remark: "Counsel has encroached very much on your time, my
+lord."--"Time, time," exclaimed his lordship; "he has exhausted time and
+encroached on eternity."
+
+When a young advocate, Cockburn was a frequent visitor at Niddrie
+Marischal, near Edinburgh, the residence of Mr. Wauchope. This gentleman
+was very particular about church-going, but one Sunday he stayed at home
+and his young guest started for the parish church accompanied by one of
+his host's handsomest daughters. On their way they passed through the
+garden, and were so beguiled by the gooseberry bushes that the time
+slipped away and they found themselves too late for the service. At
+dinner the laird inquired of his daughter what the text was, and when
+she failed to tell him he put the question to Cockburn, who at once
+replied: "The woman whom thou gavest to be with me she gave me of the
+fruit and I did eat."
+
+Jeffrey and Cockburn were counsel together in a case in which it was
+sought to prove that the heir of an estate was of low capacity, and
+therefore incapable of administrating his affairs. Jeffrey had vainly
+attempted to make a country witness understand his meaning as he spoke
+of the mental imbecility and impaired intellect of the party. Cockburn
+rose to his relief, and was successful at once. "D'ye ken young Sandy
+----?"--"Brawly," said the witness; "I've kent him sin' he was a
+laddie."--"An' is there onything in the cratur, d'ye think?"--"Deed,"
+responded the witness, "there's naething in him ava; he wadna ken a coo
+frae a cauf!"
+
+When addressing the jury in a case in which an officer of the army was a
+witness, Jeffrey frequently referred to him as "this soldier." The
+witness, who was in Court, bore this for a time, but at last,
+exasperated, exclaimed, "I am not a soldier, I'm an officer!"--"Well,
+gentlemen of the jury," proceeded Jeffrey, "this officer, who on his own
+statement is no soldier," &c.
+
+Patrick, Lord Robertson, one of the senators of the College of Justice,
+was a great humorist. He was on terms of intimacy with the late Mr.
+Alexander Douglas, W.S., who, on account of the untidiness of his
+person, was known by the sobriquet of "Dirty Douglas." Lord Robertson
+invited his friend to accompany him to a ball. "I would go," said Mr.
+Douglas, "but I don't care about my friends knowing that I attend
+balls."--"Why, Douglas," replied the senator, "put on a well-brushed
+coat and a clean shirt, and nobody will know you." When at the Bar,
+Robertson was frequently entrusted with cases by Mr. Douglas. Handing
+his learned friend a fee in Scottish notes, Mr. Douglas remarked: "These
+notes, Robertson, are, like myself, getting old."--"Yes, they're both
+old and dirty, Douglas," rejoined Robertson.
+
+When Robertson was attending an appeal case in the House of Lords he
+received great attention from Lord Brougham. This gave rise to a report
+in the Parliament House of Edinburgh that the popular Tory advocate had
+"ratted" to the Liberal side in politics, which found expression in the
+following _jeu d'esprit_:
+
+    "When Brougham by Robertson was told
+    He'd condescend a place to hold,
+    The Chancellor said, with wondering eyes,
+    Viewing the _Rat's_ tremendous size,
+    'That you a place would hold is true,
+    But where's the place that would hold you?'"
+
+Lord Rutherford when at the Bar put an illustration to the Bench in
+connection with a church case. "Suppose the Justiciary Court condemned a
+man to be hanged, however unjustly, could that man come into this Court
+of Session and ask your lordships to interfere?" and he turned round
+very majestically to Robertson opposing him. "Oh, my lords," said
+Robertson, "a case of suspension, clearly."
+
+When a sheriff, Rutherford, dining with a number of members of the legal
+profession, had to reply to the toast, "The Bench of Scotland." In
+illustration of a trite remark that all litigants could not be expected
+to have the highest regard for the judges who have tried their cases, he
+told the following story: A worthy but unfortunate south-country farmer
+had fought his case in the teeth of adverse decisions in the Lower
+Courts to the bitter end in one of the divisions of the Court of
+Session. After the decision of this tribunal affirming the judgment he
+had appealed against, and thus finally blasting his fondest hopes, he
+was heard to mutter as he left the Court: "They ca' themselves senators
+o' the College o' Justice, but it's ma opeenion they're a' the waur o'
+drink!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It was only a small point of law, but the two counsel were hammering at
+each other tooth and nail. They had been submitting this and that to his
+lordship for twenty minutes, and growing more and more heated as they
+argued. At last: "You're an ass, sir!" shrieked one. "And you're a liar,
+sir!" roared the other. Then the judge woke up. "Now that counsel have
+identified each other," said he, "let us proceed to the disputed
+points."
+
+A recent eminent judge of the Scottish Bench when sitting to an artist
+for his portrait was asked what he thought of the likeness. His
+lordship's reply was that he thought it good enough, but he would have
+liked "to see a little more dislike to Gladstone's Irish Bills in the
+expression."
+
+Lord Shand's shortness of stature has been a theme of several stories.
+When he left Edinburgh after sitting as a judge of the Court of Session
+for eighteen years, one of his colleagues suggested that a statue ought
+to be erected to him. "Or shall we say a statuette?" was the remark of
+another friend. His lordship lived at Newhailes--the property of one of
+the Dalrymple family, several members of which were eminent judges in
+the late seventeenth and the early eighteenth centuries--and travelled
+to town by rail. The guard was a pawky Aberdonian, and had evidently
+been greatly struck by Lord Shand's appearance, for his customary
+salutation to him, delivered no doubt in a parental and patronising
+fashion, was: "And fu (how) are ye the day, ma lordie?" His lordship's
+manner of receiving this greeting is not recorded. Still another
+anecdote on the same subject is that when still an advocate, it was
+proposed to make Mr. Shand a Judge of Assize. On the proposal being
+mentioned to a colleague famous for his caustic wit, the latter with a
+good-humoured sneer which raised a hearty laugh at the expense of his
+genial friend, remarked: "Ah, a judge of a size, indeed."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: GEORGE YOUNG, LORD YOUNG.]
+
+Lord Young's wit was of this caustic turn and not infrequently was
+intended to sting the person to whom it was addressed. An advocate was
+wending his weary way through a case one day, and in the course of
+making a point he referred to a witness who had deponed that he had seen
+two different things at one time and consequently contradicted himself.
+Lord Young gave vent to the feelings of his colleagues in the Second
+Division of the Court, when he interrupted thus:
+
+"Oh, Mr. B----, I can see more than two things at one time. I can see
+your paper, and beyond your paper I can see you, and beyond you I can
+see the clock, and I can see that you have been labouring for an hour
+over a point that is capable of being expressed in a sentence."
+
+In the course of an argument in the same division, counsel had occasion
+to refer to "Fraser" (a brother judge) "on Husband and Wife." Lord
+Young, interrupting, asked: 'Hasn't Fraser another book?'--'Yes, my
+lord, 'Master and Servant!''--'Well,' said Lord Young, 'isn't that the
+same thing?'
+
+Owing to a vacancy on the Bench having been kept open for a long period,
+Lord Young's roll had become very heavy. Hearing that a new colleague
+had been appointed, and like the late judge had adopted a title ending
+in "hill," he gratefully quoted the lines of the one hundred and
+twenty-first psalm:
+
+    "I to the hills will lift mine eyes,
+    From whence doth come mine aid."
+
+Before the same judge, two prominent advocates in their day were
+debating a case. One of them was a particularly well-known figure, the
+feature of whose pinafore, if he wore one, would be its extensive girth.
+The other advocate, who happened to be rather slim, was addressing his
+lordship: "My learned friend and I are particularly at one upon this
+point. I may say, my lord, that we are virtually in the same boat." Here
+his opponent broke in: "No, no, my lord, we are nothing of the kind. I
+do not agree with that." Lord Young, leaning across the bench, remarked:
+"No, I suppose you would need a whole boat to yourself."
+
+It is also attributed to Lord Young that, when Mr. Baird of Cambusdoon
+bequeathed a large sum of money to the Church of Scotland to found the
+lectureship delivered under the auspices of the Baird Trust, he
+remarked that it was the highest fire insurance premium he had ever
+heard of. "Possibly, my lord," observed a fire insurance manager who
+heard the remark; "but you will admit that cases occur where the premium
+scarcely covers the risk."
+
+Lord Guthrie tells that when, as an advocate, he was engaged in a case
+before Lord Young, he mentioned that his client was a Free Church
+minister. "Well," said Lord Young, "that may be, but for all that he may
+perhaps be quite a respectable man."
+
+And there is the story that when Mr. Young was Lord Advocate for
+Scotland a vacancy occurred on the Bench and two names were mentioned in
+connection with it. One was that of Mr. Horne, Dean of Faculty, a very
+tall man, and the other Lord Shand. "So, Mr. Young," said a friend,
+"you'll be going to appoint Horne?"--"I doubt if I will get his length,"
+was the reply. "Oh, then," queried the friend, "you'll be going to
+appoint Shand?"--"It's the least I could do," answered the witty Lord
+Advocate.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"What is your occupation?" asked Lord Ardwall of a witness in a case. "A
+miner, sir."--"Good; and how old are you?"--"Twenty, sir."--"Ah, then
+you are a minor in more senses than one." Whereat, no doubt, the Court
+laughed. "Now, my lord, we come to the question of commission received
+by the witness, which I was forgetting," said a counsel before the same
+judge one day. "Ah, don't commit the omission of omitting the
+commission," replied his lordship.
+
+An unfortunate miner had been hit on the head by a lump of coal, and the
+judges of the First Division of the Court of Session were considering
+whether his case raised a question of law or of fact. "The only law I
+can see in the matter," said Lord Maclaren, "is the law of gravitation."
+
+In a fishing case heard in the Court of Session some years ago, a good
+deal of evidence was led on the subject of taking immature salmon from a
+river in the north. The case was an important one, and the evidence was
+taken down in shorthand notes and printed for the use of the judge and
+counsel next day. The evidence of one of the witnesses with respect to
+certain of the salmon taken was that "some of them were kelts." When his
+lordship turned over the pages of the printed evidence next morning to
+refresh his memory, he was astonished to find it stated by one of the
+witnesses in regard to the salmon that "some of them wore kilts."
+
+Many other stories, particularly of the older judges, might be given,
+were they not too well known. We may therefore close this chapter with
+the following epigram by a Scottish writer, which is decidedly pointed
+and clever, and has the additional merit of being self-explanatory:
+
+    "He was a burglar stout and strong,
+    Who held, 'It surely can't be wrong,
+    To open trunks and rifle shelves,
+    For God helps those who help themselves.'
+    But when before the Court he came,
+    And boldly rose to plead the same,
+    The judge replied--'That's very true;
+    You've helped yourself--_now God help you!_'"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER SIX
+
+THE ADVOCATES OF SCOTLAND
+
+
+    "Ye lawyers who live upon litigants' fees,
+    And who need a good many to live at your ease,
+    Grave or gay, wise or witty, whate'er your degree,
+    Plain stuff, or Queen's Counsel, take counsel from me,
+    When a festive occasion your spirit unbends,
+    You should never forget the profession's best friends;
+    So we'll send round the wine and a bright bumper fill
+    To the jolly Testator who makes his own will."
+
+    NEAVES: _Songs and Verses_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER SIX
+
+THE ADVOCATES OF SCOTLAND
+
+
+Since days when Sir Walter Scott gathered round him at the fireplace in
+the Parliament Hall of Edinburgh a company of young brother advocates to
+hear the latest of Lord Eskgrove's eccentric sayings from the Bench,
+that rendezvous has been the favourite resort for story-telling among
+succeeding generations of counsel. While the Court is in session, they
+vary their daily walk up and down the hall by lounging round the spot
+where the future Wizard of the North proved a strong counter-attraction
+to many an interesting case being argued before a Lord Ordinary in the
+alcoves on the opposite side of the hall, which was then the "Outer
+House." It is even asserted that this same fireplace is the hatchery of
+many of the amusing paragraphs daily appearing in a column of a certain
+Edinburgh newspaper. But of all the witticisms that have enlivened the
+dull hours of the briefless barrister in that historic hall during the
+past century, none will stand the test of time or be read with so much
+pleasure as those of that prince of wits, the Hon. Henry Erskine.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE HON. HENRY ERSKINE, LORD ADVOCATE AND DEAN OF FACULTY
+OF ADVOCATES.]
+
+Hairry, as he was familiarly called both by judge and counsel, was in an
+eminent degree the "advocate of the people." It is said that a poor man
+in a remote district of Scotland thus answered an acquaintance who
+wished to dissuade him from "going to law" with a wealthy neighbour, by
+representing the hopelessness of being able to meet the expenses of
+litigation. "Ye dinna ken what ye're saying, maister," replied the
+litigious northerner; "there's no' a puir man in a' Scotland need want a
+freen' or fear a foe, sae lang as Hairry Erskine lives."
+
+When the autocratic reign of Henry Dundas as Lord Advocate was for a
+time eclipsed, Henry Erskine was his successor in the Whig interest. In
+his good-humoured way Dundas proposed to lend Erskine his embroidered
+gown, suggesting that it would not be long before he (Dundas) would
+again be in office. "Thank you," said Hairry, "I am well aware it is
+made to suit any party, but it will never be said of me that I assumed
+the abandoned habits of my predecessor."
+
+Having been speaking in the Outer House at the Bar of Lord Swinton, a
+very good, but a very slow and deaf judge, Erskine was called away to
+Lord Braxfield's Court. On appearing his lordship said: "Well, Dean" (he
+was then Dean of the Faculty of Advocates), "what is this you've been
+talking so loudly about to my Lord Swinton?"--"About a cask of whisky,
+my lord, but I found it no easy matter to make it run in his lordship's
+head."
+
+He was once defending a client, a lady of the name of Tickell, before
+one of the judges who was an intimate friend, and he opened his
+address to his lordship in these terms: "Tickell, my client, my lord."
+But the judge was equal to the occasion and interrupted him by saying:
+"Tickle her yourself, Harry, you're as able to do it as I am."
+
+Lord Balmuto was a ponderous judge and not very "gleg in the uptak" (did
+not readily see a point), and retained the utmost gravity while the
+whole Court was convulsed with laughter at some joke of the witty Dean.
+Hours later, when another case was being heard, the judge would suddenly
+exclaim: "Eh, Maister Hairry, a' hae ye noo, a' hae ye noo, vera guid,
+vera guid."
+
+Hugo Arnot, a brother advocate, a tall, cadaverous-looking man, who
+suffered from asthma, was one day munching a speldin (a sun-dried
+whiting or small haddock, a favourite article supplied at that time, and
+till a generation ago, by certain Edinburgh shops). Erskine coming up to
+Arnot, the latter explained that he was having his lunch. "So I see,"
+said Harry, "and you're very like your meat." On another occasion these
+two worthies were discussing future punishment for errors of the flesh,
+Arnot taking a liberal, and Erskine a strongly Calvinist view. As they
+were parting Erskine said to Arnot, referring to his spare figure:
+
+    "For ---- and blasphemy by the mercy of heaven
+    To flesh and to blood much may be forgiven,
+    But I've searched all the Scriptures and text I find none
+    That the same is extended to skin and to bone."
+
+Erskine's brother, the extremely eccentric Lord Buchan, who thought
+himself as great a jester as his two younger brothers, the Lord
+Chancellor of England and the Dean of Faculty of Advocates, one day
+putting his head below the lock of a door, exclaimed: "See, Harry,
+here's Locke on the Human Understanding."--"Rather a poor edition, my
+lord," replied the younger brother.
+
+Sir James Colquhoun, Baronet of Luss, Principal Clerk of Session,
+towards the close of the eighteenth century was one of the odd
+characters of his time, and was made the butt of all the wags of the
+Parliament House. On one occasion, whilst Henry Erskine was in the Court
+in which Sir James was on duty, he amused himself by making faces at the
+Principal Clerk, who was greatly annoyed at the strange conduct of the
+tormenting lawyer. Unable to bear it longer, he disturbed the gravity of
+the Court by rising from the table at which he sat and exclaiming, "My
+lord, my lord, I wish you would speak to Harry, he's aye making faces at
+me." Harry, however, looked as grave as a judge and the work of the
+Court proceeded, until Sir James, looking again towards the bar,
+witnessed a new grimace from his tormentor, and convulsed Bench, Bar,
+and audience by roaring out: "There, there, my lord, see he's at it
+again."
+
+Hugo Arnot's eccentricity took various forms. In his house in South St.
+Andrew Street, in the new town of Edinburgh, he greatly annoyed a lady
+who lived in the same tenement by the violence with which he kept
+ringing his bell for his servant. The lady complained; but what was her
+horror next day to hear several pistol-shots fired in the house, which
+was Arnot's new method of demanding his valet's immediate attendance.
+
+In his professional capacity, however, he was guided by a high sense of
+honour and of moral obligation. In a case submitted for his
+consideration, which seemed to him to possess neither of these
+qualifications, he with a very grave face said to his client: "Pray what
+do you suppose me to be?"--"Why, sir," answered the client, "I
+understood you to be a lawyer."--"I thought, sir," replied Arnot, "you
+took me for a scoundrel." On another occasion he was consulted by a
+lady, not remarkable either for youth or beauty or for good temper, as
+to the best method of getting rid of the importunities of a rejected
+admirer. After having told her story and claiming a relationship with
+him because her own name was Arnot, she wound up with: "Ye maun advise
+me what I ought to do with this impertinent fellow."--"Oh, marry him by
+all means, it's the only way to get quit of his importunities," was
+Arnot's advice. "I would see him hanged first," retorted the lady.
+"Nay, madam," rejoined Arnot, "marry him directly as I said before, and
+by the Lord Harry he'll soon hang himself."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Of the convivial habits of the Bar as well as the Bench in Scotland at
+this period many stories are told. The Second Lord President Dundas once
+refused to listen to counsel who obviously showed signs of having come
+into Court fresh from a tavern debauch. The check given by the President
+appeared to effect some sobering of the counsel's faculties and he
+immediately addressed his lordship upon the dignity of the Faculty of
+Advocates, winding up a long harangue with: "It is our duty and our
+privilege to speak, my lord, and it is your duty and your privilege to
+hear."
+
+Another counsel in a similar condition of haziness hurriedly entered the
+Court and took up the case in which he was engaged; but forgetting for
+which side he had been fee'd, to the unutterable amazement of the agent,
+delivered a long and fervent speech in the teeth of the interests he had
+been expected to support. When at last the agent made him understand the
+mistake he had made, he with infinite composure resumed his oration by
+saying: "Such, my lord, is the statement you will probably hear from my
+brother on the opposite side of the case. I shall now show your lordship
+how utterly untenable are the principles and how distorted are the
+facts upon which this very specious statement has proceeded." And so he
+went over the same ground and most angelically refuted himself from the
+beginning of his former pleading to the end.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ANDREW CROSBIE, ADVOCATE, "Pleydell."]
+
+When a barrister, pleading before Lord Mansfield, pronounced a Latin
+word with a false quantity his lordship rarely let the opportunity pass
+without exhibiting his own precise knowledge of that language. "My
+lords," said the Scottish advocate, Crosbie, at the bar of the House of
+Lords, "I have the honour to appear before your lordships as counsel for
+the Cur[)a]tors."--"Ugh," groaned the Westminster-Oxford law lord,
+softening his reproof by an allusion to his Scottish nationality,
+"Cur[=a]tors, Mr. Crosbie, Cur[=a]tors: I wish _our_ countrymen would
+pay a little more attention to prosody."--"My lord," replied Mr.
+Crosbie, with delightful readiness and composure, "I can assure you that
+_our_ countrymen are very proud of your lordship as the greatest
+sen[=a]tor and or[=a]tor of the present age."
+
+A very young Scottish advocate, afterwards an eminent judge on the
+Scottish Bench, pleading before the House of Lords, ventured to
+challenge some early judgments of that House, on which he was abruptly
+asked by Lord Brougham: "Do you mean, sir, to call in question the
+solemn decisions of this venerable tribunal?"--"Yes, my lord," coolly
+replied the young counsel, "there are some people in Scotland who are
+bold enough to dispute the soundness of some of your lordship's _own_
+decisions."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Sheriff Logan, when pleading before Lord Cunningham in a case which
+involved numerous points of form, on some of which he ventured to
+express an opinion, was repeatedly interrupted by old Beveridge, the
+judge's clerk--a great authority on matters of form--who unfortunately
+possessed a very large nasal organ, which literally overhung his mouth.
+"No, no," said the clerk, as the sheriff was quietly explaining the
+practice in certain cases. On which Logan, somewhat nettled at the blunt
+interruption, coolly replied: "But, my lord, I say: 'Yes, yes, yes,' in
+spite of Mr. Beveridge's _noes_."
+
+In the days of Sheriff Harper, Mr. Richard Lees, solicitor, Galashiels,
+was engaged in a case for a client who was not overburdened with the
+necessary funds for legal proceedings. However, he was thought good
+enough for the expenses in the case. The action went against Mr. Lees'
+client, and then Mr. Lees rose to plead for modified expenses. But the
+client leant across to speak to the lawyer and said in a hoarse whisper
+audible over the Court: "Dinna stent (limit) yoursels for the expenses
+for a haena a fardin'." This was too much even for the gravity of the
+Bench.
+
+Not many years ago, in the High Court at Glasgow, a case was heard
+before an eminent judge still on the Scottish Bench, in which the
+accused had committed a very serious assault and robbery. He was unable
+to engage counsel for his defence, and the usual course was adopted of
+putting his case in the hands of "counsel for the poor." There was
+really no defence; but the young advocate who undertook the task had to
+make the best of it, and the plea he put forward was that the accused
+was so drunk at the time he did not know what he was doing. It was the
+best thing he could do in the circumstances, as all the success he could
+expect to make with a well-known felon was a mitigation of the sentence.
+When it came to his time to address the Court, he set out in the
+following fashion: "My lord and gentlemen of the jury, you all know what
+it is to be drunk."
+
+It is most important to be exact in stating the times of the movements
+of a person accused of murder. In a recent case this point was very
+minutely examined by an advocate in the Scottish Court. One witness
+deponed that she saw the accused in a certain place at 5.40 P.M. "Are
+you sure," asked the learned counsel in a tone calculated to make a
+witness not quite sure after all, "are you sure it was not twenty
+minutes to six?" And then he seemed surprised at the laughter his
+question had raised.
+
+When Mr. Ludovick Mair, who was a very short man, was Sheriff-Substitute
+of Lanarkshire, he was called upon, at an Ayrshire Burns Club dinner, to
+propose the toast of the "Ayrshire Lasses." After alluding to the honour
+that had been conferred upon him, happily said that "Provided his fair
+clients were prepared to be 'contented wi' little and canty wi' mair,'
+he had no compunction in performing the agreeable duty."
+
+In the Glasgow Small Debt Court where the sheriff frequently presided, a
+young lawyer's exhaustive eloquence in striving to prove that his client
+was not due the sum sued for, drew from his lordship the following
+interruption: "Excuse me, sir, but throughout the conflict and turmoil
+engendered by this desperate dispute with the pursuer I presume the
+British Empire is not in any danger?"--"No, my lord," came the reply,
+"but I fear after that interrogation from your lordship my client's case
+is?"
+
+On one occasion the sheriff, becoming impatient with an agent's
+protracted speech, rebuked him thus: "Be brief, be brief, my dear sir;
+time is short and eternity is long!" And again on being asked by an
+agent not to allow a witty old Irishman to act as the spokesman of "the
+defendant" on the ground that the Irishman was not now in the
+defendant's employment, the sheriff sternly said to the would-be
+witness: "Now, answer me truthfully, mirthful Michael, are you or are
+you not in the defendant's employment?"--"Well, my lord of lords," was
+the reply, "that is to say, in the learned phraseology of the law, _pro
+tem_ I am and _ultimo_ and _proximo_ I amn't."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Two stories are told of the late Sheriff Balfour. His lordship was
+addressing a prisoner at unusual length, when he was interrupted more
+than once by a _sotto voce_ observation from his then clerk, who was
+very impatient when the luncheon hour drew near. Accustomed to this
+interruption, the sheriff, as a rule, took no notice of them. On this
+occasion, however, he threw down his quill with a show of annoyance,
+leaned back in his chair, and addressed the interrupter thus: "I say,
+Mr. ----, are you, or am I, sheriff here?" Promptly came the unabashed
+reply: "You, of course; but your lordship knows that this woman has been
+frequently here," meaning that it was idle to address words of counsel
+to the prisoner. On another occasion, the sheriff was pulled up by a
+male prisoner, who took exception to his version of the story of the
+crime, and concluded: "So you see I've got your lordship there."--"Have
+you?" was the sheriff's rejoinder. "No, but I've got you--three months
+hard."
+
+A law agent was talking at length against an opinion which Sheriff
+Balfour had already indicated. Twice the sheriff essayed in vain to
+stay the torrent that was flowing uselessly past the mill. At last, in a
+more decided tone, he asked the agent to allow him just one word, after
+which he would engage not to interrupt him again. "Certainly, milord,"
+said the agent. "Decree," said the sheriff.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Counsel who are briefless and who spend much time in perambulating the
+floor of Parliament Hall should be as careful in their dress as their
+more fortunate neighbours who jostle each other in the lobbies as they
+rush from one Court to another. A company of Americans visiting the
+Courts one day made a casual inquiry of one of the advocates "in
+waiting," who politely offered to show them all that is to be seen. As
+they were leaving, one of the party caught hold of a passing solicitor
+and after apologising for stopping him inquired: "This--this--this
+gentleman has been very good in showing us over your beautiful place.
+Would it be correct to give him something?"--"Yes, certainly," said the
+busy practitioner, "and it will be the first fee he has earned, to my
+knowledge, for the last ten years."
+
+An advocate of the present day, in trying to induce the Second Division
+of the Court of Session to reverse a decision pronounced in Glasgow
+Sheriff Court somewhat startled the Bench by reminding them that their
+lordships were only mortal after all. "Are you quite sure of that?"
+asked the presiding judge. Counsel judiciously refrained from replying
+to this poser. The incident recalls an occasion in the Second Division
+when it was presided over by Lord Justice-Clerk Moncreiff. A junior
+counsel was debating a case in the division, and, apparently finding he
+was not making much headway, invited their lordships to imagine for the
+moment that they were navvies, and to look at the question from the
+point of view of the worker. In stately tones the Lord Justice-Clerk
+informed the audacious junior that his invitation was unsuited to the
+dignity of the Court.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A learned counsel at the Bar prided himself on the juvenility of his
+appearance, and boasted that he looked twenty years younger than he was.
+He was cross-examining a very prepossessing and uncommonly
+self-possessed young woman as to the age of a person whom she knew quite
+well, but could get no satisfactory answer. "Well," he persisted, "but
+surely you must have been able to make a good guess at his age, having
+seen him often."--"People don't always look their age."--"No, but you
+can surely form a good idea from their looks. Now, how old should you
+say I am?" "You might be sixty by your looks, but judging by the
+questions you ask I should say about sixteen!"
+
+Much amusement is afforded by the answers given by witnesses to judges
+and counsel. They form the theme of legions of stories, and we append a
+selection to this chapter of legal wit of the Bar.
+
+An Irishman before Lord Ardwall was giving evidence on the question
+whether having lived eleven years in Glasgow he was a domiciled
+Scotsman. He swore that he was, and as a question of succession depended
+upon the domicile the point was of importance. The opposing counsel
+thought he had him cornered when on the list of voters for an Irish
+constituency he found the witness's name. But Pat was equal to the
+occasion. "It's a safe sate," he said; "they never revise the lists,"
+and by way of clinching the argument, he added: "Shure there's men in
+Oireland who have been in their graves for twenty years who voted at the
+last election."
+
+Legal gentlemen sometimes resort to methods not quite in accordance with
+usual practice to elicit information from stubborn witnesses. In Glasgow
+Sheriff Court one day a somewhat long and involved question was
+addressed by the cross-examining agent to a witness who, from his stout
+build and imperturbable manner, looked the embodiment of Scottish
+caution. The witness, who was not to be so easily "had," having regarded
+his questioner with a steady gaze for the space of almost a minute, at
+last broke silence: "Would you mind, sir," said he, "just repeating
+that question, and splitting it into bits?" And after the Court had
+regained its composure the discomfited agent humbly proceeded to
+subdivide the question.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In the old days when Highlanders "kist oot" (quarrelled) they resorted
+to the claymore, but the hereditary fighting spirit appears nowadays in
+an appeal to the law. Perth Sheriff Courts witness many a "bout" between
+the stalwarts, who are not amiss to clash all round if need be. "You
+must have been in very questionable company at the show?" inquired a
+sheriff of a farmer. "Weel, ma lord--you wis the last gentleman I spoke
+to that day as I was coming oot!" was his reply.
+
+The pointed insinuation to another witness in a claim case at the same
+Court. "I think I have seen you here rather often of late," drew the
+reply, "Nae doot, if a'm no takin' onybody here--then it's them that's
+takin' me!"
+
+Quite recently an old farmer in Perthshire, who had been rather severely
+cross-examined by the opposing counsel, had his sweet revenge when the
+sheriff, commenting on the case, inquired: "There seems to be a great
+deal of dram-dramming at C---- on Tuesdays, I imagine?"--"Aye, whiles,"
+was the canny reply--and immediately following it up, as he pointed
+across at the rival lawyer, he continued--"an' that nicker ower there
+can tak' a bit dram wi' the best o' them!"
+
+A young advocate, as junior in a licensing club case, had to
+cross-examine the certifying Justice of the Peace who was very diffuse
+and rather evasive in his answers. "Speak a little more simply and to
+the point, please," said counsel mildly. "You are a little ambiguous,
+you know."--"I am not, sir," replied the witness indignantly; "I have
+been teetotal for a year."
+
+It is a fact well known to lawyers that it is a risky thing to call
+witnesses to character unless you know exactly beforehand what they are
+going to say. Here is an instance in point. "You say you have known the
+prisoner all your life?" said the counsel. "Yes, sir," was the reply.
+"Now," was the next question, "in your opinion is he a man who is likely
+to have been guilty of stealing this money?"--"Well," said the witness
+thoughtfully, "how much was it?"
+
+In a County Sheriff Court his lordship addressed a witness: "You said
+you drove a milk-cart, didn't you?" "No, sir, I didn't."--"Don't you
+drive a milk-cart?" "No, sir."--"Ah! then what do you do, sir?"--"I
+drive a horse."
+
+A well-known lawyer not now in practice, who had risen from humble
+parentage to be Procurator Fiscal of his county, once got a sharp retort
+from a witness in Court. It was a case of law-burrows--well known in
+Scotland--which requires a person to give security against doing
+violence to another. A lady had assaulted a priest who in the discharge
+of his duty had been visiting her husband--a member of his flock. The
+lady was herself a Protestant, and suspected the reverend gentleman of
+designs on her husband's property for behoof of his Church. The witness
+in the box was prepared on every point, and the following dialogue
+ensued--P.F.: "Who was your father?" Lady: "My father was a gentleman."
+P.F.: "Yes, but who was he?" Lady: "He was a good man and much
+respected, although he didn't make such a noise in the world as yours."
+The P.F.'s father had been the town crier.
+
+Perhaps it was to the same lawyer who asked the question of a labouring
+man: "Are you the husband of the previous witness?" and got the answer:
+"I dinna ken onything aboot the previous witness, but if it was Mrs.
+----, a'm her man."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The macer who calls the cases coming before the judges in Court was in
+older days an interesting personality. Lord Cockburn recalls the time
+when this duty was performed by the "crier" putting his head out of a
+small window high up in the wall of the Parliament House and shouting
+down to the counsel and agents assembled below him. Now it is performed
+from a raised dais on the floor of the hall, and it is no joke when the
+macer has to call in stentorian tones such a case as "Dampskibsselskabet
+Danmary _v._ John Smith." Learned members of the Faculty approach such a
+difficulty otherwise. During "motions" one day an astute counsel said,
+"In number 11 of your lordship's roll." "What did you call it?" inquired
+the judge. "I called it number 11," naively replied counsel. The case
+was "Fiskiveidschlutafjelagid Island _v._ Standard Fishing Company."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The administration of the oath in Courts of Justice is apt to become
+perfunctory, and some sheriffs shorten the formula, so that it is
+administered somewhat after this fashion: "I swearbalmitygod, that I
+will tell the truth, the wholetruth, anothingbuthetruth." There is one
+sheriff more punctilious, and recently he administered the oath to a
+female witness, making her recite it in sections after him. "I swear by
+Almighty God" (pause). Witness: "I swear by Almighty God."--"As I shall
+answer to God." Witness: "As I shall answer to God."--"At the Great Day
+of Judgment." The witness stumbled over this clause, and the sheriff had
+to repeat it twice. As she ran more glibly over the concluding words,
+the sheriff remarked: "It's extraordinary how many people come to this
+Court who seem never to have heard of that great occasion."
+
+This is what took place in a Glasgow Court. Sheriff: "Repeat this after
+me, 'I swear by Almighty God.'" Witness: "I swear by Almighty God."
+Sheriff: "I will tell the truth." Witness: "I will tell the truth."
+Sheriff: "The whole truth." Witness: "I HOPE so!"
+
+In Edinburgh Sheriff Small Debt Court the oath was administered to a
+witness who was dull of hearing. "I swear by Almighty God," said the
+sheriff. The witness put his hollowed hand to his ear and asked: "Wha
+dae ye sweer by?" Many Court reporters have heard a witness swear to
+tell "the truth, the whole truth, and anything but the truth"; and one
+old lady (mistaking certain words recited by the judge) affirmed her
+determination to tell the truth "with a great deal of judgment."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+As we indicated at the beginning of this volume, stories of wit and
+humour from the ranks of agents in the legal profession are much rarer
+than in those of the Bench and the Bar. From the _Court of Session
+Garland_ we quote the following relating to a worthy practitioner in the
+days when Councillor Pleydell played "high jinks" in his favourite
+tavern.
+
+In old times some stray agents in Scotland might be found who were not
+particularly distinguished for professional attainments, and who
+sometimes could not "draw" a paper as it is termed. One of these
+worthies was impressed with the idea that his powers were equal to the
+preparation of a petition for the appointment of a factor. His clerk was
+summoned, pens, ink, and paper placed before him, and the process of
+dictation commenced: "Unto the Right Honourable." "Right Honourable,"
+echoed the clerk. "The Lords of Council and Session."--"Session,"
+continued the scribe--"the Petition of Alexander Macdonald, tenant in
+Skye--Skye--humbly sheweth--sheweth." "Stop, John, read what I've
+said."--"Yes, sir. 'Unto the Right Honourable the Lords of Council and
+Session the Petition of Alexander Macdonald, tenant in Skye, humbly
+sheweth.'"--"Very well, John, very well. Where did you stop?"--"Humbly
+sheweth--that the petitioner--petitioner"--here a pause for a
+minute--"that the petitioner. It's down, sir." Here the master got up,
+walked about the room, scratched his head, took snuff, but in vain; the
+inspiration had fled with the mysterious word "petitioner." The clerk
+looked up somewhat amazed that his master had got that length, and at
+last ventured to suggest that the difficulty might be got over. "How,
+John?" exclaimed his master. "As you have done the most important part,
+what would you say, sir, to send the paper to be finished by Mr. M----
+with a guinea?"--"The very thing, John, tak' the paper to Mr. M----,
+and as we've done the maist fickle pairt of the work he's deevilish weel
+aff wi' a guinea."
+
+We are indebted to the author of that capital collection of Scottish
+anecdote, _Thistledown_, for the following story, as illustrating one of
+the many humorous attempts to get the better of the law, and one in
+which the lawyer was "hoist with his own petard." A dealer having hired
+a horse to a lawyer, the latter, either through bad usage or by
+accident, killed the beast, upon which the hirer insisted upon payment
+of its value; and if it was not convenient to pay costs, he expressed
+his willingness to accept a bill. The lawyer offered no objection, but
+said he must have a long date. The hirer desired him to fix his own
+time, whereupon the writer drew a promissory note, making it payable at
+the day of judgment. An action ensued, when in defence, the lawyer asked
+the judge to look at the bill. Having done so, the judge replied: "The
+bill is perfectly good, sir; and as this is the day of judgment, I
+decree that you pay to-morrow."
+
+Joseph Gillon was a well-known Writer to the Signet early in the
+nineteenth century. Calling on him at his office one day, Sir Walter
+Scott said, "Why, Joseph, this place is as hot as an oven."--"Well,"
+quoth Gillon, "and isn't it here that I make my bread?"
+
+A celebrated Scottish preacher and pastor was visiting the house of a
+solicitor who was one of his flock, but had a reputation of indulging
+in sharp practice. The minister was surprised to meet there two other
+members of his flock whose relations with the solicitor were not at the
+time known to be friendly or otherwise. In course of conversation the
+solicitor, alluding to some disputed point, appealed to the minister:
+"Doctor, these are members of your flock; may I ask whether you look on
+them as black or as white sheep?"--"I don't know," answered the
+minister, "whether they are black or white sheep; but this I know, that
+if they are long here they are pretty sure to be _fleeced_."
+
+_Apropos_ of this story is the one of a Scottish countrywoman who
+applied to a respectable solicitor for advice. After detailing all the
+circumstances of the case, she was asked if she had stated the facts
+exactly as they had occurred. "Ou ay, sir," rejoined the applicant; "I
+thought it best to tell you the plain truth; you can put the lees till't
+yoursel'."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LAWYER'S TOAST
+
+At a dinner of a Scots Law Society, the president called upon an old
+solicitor present to give as a toast the person whom he considered the
+best friend of the profession. "Then," said the gentleman very slyly,
+"I'll give you 'The Man who makes his own will.'"
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER SEVEN
+
+THE AMERICAN BENCH & BAR
+
+
+     "Going tew law is like skinning a new milch cow for the hide
+     and giving the meat tew the lawyers."
+
+     JOSH BILLINGS.
+
+
+     "Oh, sir, you understand a conscience, but not law."
+
+     MASSINGER: _The Old Law_.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER SEVEN
+
+THE AMERICAN BENCH & BAR
+
+
+The Rev. H. R. Haweis has defined "humour as the electric atmosphere,
+wit as the flash. A situation provides atmospheric humour, and with the
+culminating point of it comes the flash." This definition is peculiarly
+applicable to the humour of the Bench and Bar when the situation
+invariably provides the atmosphere for the wit. Not less so is this the
+case in American Courts than in British. Before Chief Justice Parsons
+was raised to the Bench, and when he was the leading lawyer of America,
+a client wrote, stating a case, requesting his opinion upon it, and
+enclosing twenty dollars. After the lapse of some time, receiving no
+answer, he wrote a second letter, informing him of his first
+communication. Parsons replied that he had received both letters, had
+examined the case and formed his opinion, but somehow or other "it stuck
+in his throat." The client understood this hint, sent him one hundred
+dollars, and received the opinion.
+
+[Illustration: THEOPHILUS PARSONS, CHIEF JUSTICE OF THE SUPREME COURT OF
+MASSACHUSETTS.]
+
+He was engaged in a heavy case which gave rise to many encounters
+between himself and the opposing counsel, Mr. Sullivan. During Parson's
+speech Sullivan picked up Parson's large black hat and wrote with a
+piece of chalk upon it: "This is the hat of a d--d rascal." The lawyers
+sitting round began to titter, which called attention to the hat, and
+the inscription soon caught the eye of Parsons, who at once said: "May
+it please your honour, I crave the protection of the Court, Brother
+Sullivan has been stealing my hat and writing his own name upon it."
+
+Parsons was considered a strong judge, and somewhat overbearing in his
+attitude towards counsel. One day he stopped Dexter, an eminent
+advocate, in the middle of his address to the jury, on the ground that
+he was urging a point unsupported by any evidence. Dexter hastily
+observed, "Your honour, did you argue your own cases in the way you
+require us to do?"--"Certainly not," retorted the judge; "but that was
+the judge's fault, not mine."
+
+Patrick Henry, "the forest-born Demosthenes," as Lord Byron called him,
+was defending an army commissary, who, during the distress of the
+American army in 1781, had seized some bullocks belonging to John Hook,
+a wealthy Scottish settler. The seizure was not quite legal, but Henry,
+defending, painted the hardships the patriotic army had to endure.
+"Where was the man," he said, "who had an American heart in his bosom
+who would not have thrown open his fields, his barbs, his cellars, the
+doors of his house, the portals of his breast, to have received with
+open arms the meanest soldier in that little band of famished patriots?
+Where is the man? _There_ he stands; and whether the heart of an
+American beats in his bosom, you gentlemen are to judge." He then
+painted the surrender of the British troops, their humiliation and
+dejection, the triumph of the patriot band, the shouts of victory, the
+cry of "Washington and liberty," as it rang and echoed through the
+American ranks, and was reverberated from vale to hill, and then to
+heaven. "But hark! What notes of discord are these which disturb the
+general joy and silence, the acclamations of victory; they are the notes
+of _John Hook_, hoarsely bawling through the American camp--'Beef! beef!
+beef!'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It is sometimes imagined that eloquent oratory is everything required of
+a good advocate, and certainly this idea must have been uppermost in the
+minds of the young American counsel who figure in the following stories.
+A Connecticut lawyer had addressed a long and impressive speech to a
+jury, of which this was his peroration: "And now the shades of night had
+wrapped the earth in darkness. All nature lay clothed in solemn thought,
+when the defendant ruffians came rushing like a mighty torrent from the
+mountains down upon the abodes of peace, broke open the plaintiff's
+house, separated the weeping mother from the screeching infant, and
+carried off--my client's rifle, gentlemen of the jury, for which we
+claim fifteen dollars."
+
+There was good excuse for adopting the "high-falutin" tone in the
+second instance, that it was the lawyer's first appearance. He was
+panting for distinction, and determined to convince the Court and jury
+that he was "born to shine." So he opened: "May it please the Court and
+gentlemen of the jury--while Europe is bathed in blood, while classic
+Greece is struggling for her rights and liberties, and trampling the
+unhallowed altars of the bearded infidels to dust, while the chosen few
+of degenerate Italy are waving their burnished swords in the sunlight of
+liberty, while America shines forth the brightest orb in the political
+sky--I, I, with due diffidence, rise to defend the cause of this humble
+hog thief."
+
+And this extract from a barrister's address "out West," some fifty years
+ago, surely could not fail to influence the jury in his client's behalf.
+"The law expressly declares, gentlemen, in the beautiful language of
+Shakespeare, that where a doubt of the prisoner exists, it is your duty
+to fetch him in innocent. If you keep this fact in view, in the case of
+my client, gentlemen, you will have the honour of making a friend of him
+and all his relations, and you can allus look upon this occasion and
+reflect with pleasure that you have done as you would be done by. But
+if, on the other hand, you disregard the principles of law and bring him
+in guilty, the silent twitches of conscience will follow you all over
+every fair cornfield, I reckon, and my injured and down-trodden client
+will be apt to light on you one of these dark nights as my cat lights on
+a saucerful of new milk."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In a rural Justice Court in one of the Southern States the defendant in
+a case was sentenced to serve thirty days in jail. He had known the
+judge from boyhood, and addressed him as follows: "Bill, old boy, you're
+gwine to send me ter jail, air you?"--"That's so," replied the judge;
+"have you got anything to say agin it?"--"Only this, Bill: God help you
+when I git out."
+
+Daniel Webster was a clever and successful lawyer, who was engaged in
+many important causes in his day. In a case in one of the Virginian
+Courts he had for his opponent William Wirt, the biographer of Patrick
+Henry, a work which was criticised as a brilliant romance. In the
+progress of the case Webster brought forward a highly respectable
+witness, whose testimony (unless disproved or impeached) settled the
+case, and annihilated Wirt's client. After getting through his
+testimony, Webster informed his opponent, with a significant expression,
+that he had now closed his evidence, and his witness was at Wirt's
+service. The counsel for defence rose to cross-examine, but seemed for a
+moment quite perplexed how to proceed, but quickly assuming a manner
+expressive of his incredulity as to the facts elicited, and coolly
+eyeing the witness, said: "Mr. ----, allow me to ask you whether you
+have ever read a work called _Baron Munchausen_?" Before the witness had
+time to answer, Webster rose and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr. Wirt, for
+the interruption, but there was one question I forgot to ask my witness,
+and if you will allow me that favour I promise not to interrupt you
+again." Mr. Wirt in the blandest manner replied, "Yes, most certainly";
+when Webster in the most deliberate and solemn manner, said, "Sir, have
+you ever read Wirt's _Life of Patrick Henry_?" The effect was so
+irresistible that even the judge could not control his rigid features.
+Wirt himself joined in the momentary laugh, and turning to Webster said:
+"Suppose we submit this case to jury without summing up"; which was
+assented to, and Mr. Webster's client won the case.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In the year 1785 an Indian murdered a Mr. Evans at Pittsburg. When,
+after a confinement of several months, his trial was to be brought on,
+the chiefs of his nation were invited to be present at the proceedings
+and see how the trial would be conducted, as well as to speak in behalf
+of the accused, if they chose. These chiefs, however, instead of going
+as wished for, sent to the civil officers of that place the following
+laconic answer: "Brethren! you inform us that ----, who murdered one of
+your men at Pittsburg, is shortly to be tried by the laws of your
+country, at which trial you request that some of us may be present.
+Brethren! knowing ---- to have been always a very bad man, we do not
+wish to see him. We therefore advise you to try him by your laws, and to
+hang him, so that he may never return to us again."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There are many stories of the smart repartee of white and coloured
+witnesses and prisoners appearing before American judges, but the most
+of them bear such strong evidence of newspaper staff manufacture as to
+be unworthy of more permanent record than the weekly "fill up" they were
+designed for. Of the more reputable we select a few.
+
+Judge Emory Speer, of the southern district of Georgia, had before his
+Court a typical charge of illicit distilling. "What's your name?"
+demanded the eminent judge. "Joshua, jedge," drawled the prisoner.
+"Joshua who made the sun stand still?" smiled the judge, in amusement at
+the laconic answer. "No, sir. Joshua who made the moon shine," answered
+the quick-witted mountaineer. And it is needless to say that Judge Speer
+made the sentence as light as he possibly could, saying to his friends
+in telling the story that wit like that deserved some recompense.
+
+A newly qualified judge in Tennessee was trying his first criminal
+case. The accused was an old negro charged with robbing a hen-coop. He
+had been in Court before on a similar charge, and was then acquitted.
+"Well, Tom," began the judge, "I see you're in trouble again."--"Yes,
+sah," replied the negro. "The last time, jedge, you was ma
+lawyer."--"Where is your lawyer this time?" asked the judge. "I ain't
+got no lawyer this time," answered Tom. "I'm going to tell the truth."
+
+Judge M. W. Pinckney tells the story of a coloured man, Sam Jones by
+name, who was on trial at Dawson City, for felony. The judge asked Sam
+if he desired the appointment of a lawyer to defend him. "No, sah," Sam
+replied, "I'se gwine to throw myself on the ignorance of the cote."
+
+A Southern lawyer tells of a case that came to him at the outset of his
+career, wherein his principal witness was a negro named Jackson,
+supposed to have knowledge of certain transactions not at all to the
+credit of his employer, the defendant. "Now, Jackson," said the lawyer,
+"I want you to understand the importance of telling the truth when you
+are put on the stand. You know what will happen, don't you, if you don't
+tell the truth?"--"Yessir," was Jackson's reply; "in dat case I expects
+our side will win de case."
+
+When Senator Taylor was Governor of Tennessee, he issued a great many
+pardons to men and women confined in penitentiaries or jails in that
+State. His reputation as a "pardoning Governor" resulted in his being
+besieged by everybody who had a relative incarcerated. One morning an
+old negro woman made her way into the executive offices and asked Taylor
+to pardon her husband, who was in jail. "What's he in for?" asked the
+Governor. "Fo' nothin' but stealin' a ham," explained the wife. "You
+don't want me to pardon him," argued the Governor. "If he got out he
+would only make trouble for you again."--"'Deed I does want him out ob
+dat place!" she objected. "I needs dat man."--"Why do you need him?"
+inquired Taylor, patiently. "Me an' de chillun," she said, seriously,
+"needs another ham."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Etiquette in the matter of dress was, in early days, of little or no
+consequence with American lawyers, especially in the Southern States. In
+South Carolina this neglect of the rigid observance of English rules on
+the part of Mr. Petigru, a well-known barrister, gave rise to the
+following passage between the Bench and the Bar.
+
+"Mr. Petigru," said the judge, "you have on a light coat. You can't
+speak."
+
+"May it please the Bench," said the barrister, "I conform strictly to
+the law. Let me illustrate. The law says the barrister shall wear a
+black gown and coat, and your honour thinks that means a black coat?"
+
+"Yes," said the judge.
+
+"Well, the law also says the sheriff shall wear a cocked hat and sword.
+Does your honour hold that the sword must be cocked as well as the hat?"
+
+He was permitted to go on.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In the United States, as elsewhere, the average juryman is not very well
+versed in the fine distinctions of the law. On these it is the judge's
+duty to instruct him. What guidance the jury got from the explanation of
+what constitutes murder is not quite clear to the lay mind, however
+satisfactory it may have appeared to the judge.
+
+"Gentlemen," he stated, with admirable lucidity, "murder is where a man
+is murderously killed. The killer in such a case is a murderer. Now,
+murder by poison is just as much murder as murder with a gun, pistol, or
+knife. It is the simple act of murdering that constitutes murder in the
+eye of the law. Don't let the idea of murder and manslaughter confound
+you. Murder is one thing; manslaughter is quite another. Consequently,
+if there has been a murder, and it is not manslaughter, then it must be
+murder. Don't let this point escape you."
+
+"Self-murder has nothing to do with this case. According to Blackstone
+and other legal writers, one man cannot commit _felo-de-se_ upon
+another; and this is my opinion. Gentlemen, murder is murder. The murder
+of a brother is called fratricide; the murder of a father is called
+parricide, but that don't enter into this case. As I have said before,
+murder is emphatically murder."
+
+"You will consider your verdict, gentlemen, and make up your minds
+according to the law and the evidence, not forgetting the explanation I
+have given you."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There is a delightful frankness about the address submitted to the
+electors by a candidate who solicited their support for the position of
+sheriff in one of the provinces of the United States, but its honesty
+cannot be questioned:
+
+"Gentlemen, I offer myself a candidate for sheriff; I have been a
+revolutionary officer; fought many bloody battles, suffered hunger,
+toil, heat; got honourable scars, but little pay. I will tell you
+plainly how I shall discharge my duty should I be so happy as to obtain
+a majority of your suffrages. If writs are put into my hands against any
+of you, I will take you if I can, and, unless you can get bail, I will
+deliver you over to the keeper of the gaol. Secondly, if judgments are
+found against you, and executions directed to me, I will sell your
+property as the law directs, without favour or affection; if there be
+any surplus money, I will punctually remit it. Thirdly, if any of you
+should commit a crime (which God forbid!) that requires capital
+punishment, according to law, I will hang you up by the neck till you
+are dead."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: RUFUS CHOATE, LEADER OF THE MASSACHUSETTS BAR.]
+
+Rufus Choate was designated _the_ leader of the Massachusetts Bar--a
+distinctive title which long outlived him and marked the sense of esteem
+in which he was held by his brother lawyers, as well as indicating his
+outstanding ability and success.
+
+In 1841 a divorce case was tried in America, and a young woman named
+Abigail Bell was the chief witness of the adultery of the wife. Sumner,
+for the defence, cross-examined Abigail. "Are you married?"--"No."--"Any
+children?"--"No."--"Have you a child?" Here there was a long pause, and
+then at last the witness feebly replied, "Yes." Sumner sat down with an
+air of triumph. Rufus Choate was advocate for the husband, who claimed
+the divorce, and after enlarging on other things, said, "Gentlemen,
+Abigail Bell's evidence is before you." Raising himself proudly, he
+continued, "I solemnly assert there is not the shadow of a shade of
+doubt or suspicion on that evidence or on her character." Everybody
+looked surprised, and he went on: "What though in an unguarded moment
+she may have trusted too much to the young man to whom she had pledged
+her untried affections; to whom she was to be wedded on the next Lord's
+Day; and who was suddenly struck dead at her feet by a stroke of
+lightning out of the heavens!" This was delivered with such tragic
+effect that Choate, majestically pausing, saw the jury had taken the
+cue, and he went on triumphantly to the end. He afterwards told his
+friends that he had a right to make any supposition consistent with the
+witness's innocence.
+
+A client went to consult him as to the proper redress for an intolerable
+insult and wrong he had just suffered. He had been in a dispute with a
+waiter at the hotel, who in a paroxysm of rage and contempt told the
+client "to go to ----." "Now," said the client, "I ask you, Mr. Choate,
+as one learned in the law, and as my legal adviser, what course under
+these circumstances I ought to take to punish this outrageous insult."
+Choate looked grave, and told the client to repeat slowly all the
+incidents preceding this outburst, telling him to be careful not to omit
+anything, and when this was done Choate stood for a while as if in deep
+thought and revolving an abstruse subject; he then gravely said: "I have
+been running over in my head all the statutes of the United States, and
+all the statutes of the commonwealth of Massachusetts, and all the
+decisions of all the judges in our Courts therein, and I may say that I
+am thoroughly satisfied that there is nothing in any of them that will
+require you to go to the place you have mentioned. And if you will take
+my advice then I say decidedly--_don't go_."
+
+Choate defended a blacksmith whose creditor had seized some iron that a
+friend had lent him to assist in the business after a bankruptcy. The
+seizure of the iron was said to have been made harshly. Choate thus
+described it: "He arrested the arm of industry as it fell towards the
+anvil; he put out the breath of his bellows; he extinguished the fire
+upon his hearthstone. Like pirates in a gale at sea, his enemies swept
+everything by the board, leaving, gentlemen of the jury, not so
+much--not so much as a horseshoe to nail upon the doorpost to keep the
+witches off." The blacksmith, sitting behind, was seen to have tears in
+his eyes at this description, and a friend noticing it, said, "Why, Tom,
+what's the matter with you? What are you blubbering about?"--"I had no
+idea," said Tom in a whisper, "that I had been so abominably
+ab-ab-bused."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A veteran member of the Baltimore Bar tells of an amusing
+cross-examination in a Court of that city. The witness seemed disposed
+to dodge the questions of counsel for the defence. "Sir," admonished the
+counsel sternly, "you need not tell us your impressions. We want facts.
+We are quite competent to form our own impressions. Now, sir, answer me
+categorically." From that time on he got little more than "yes" and
+"no" from the witness. Presently counsel asked: "You say that you live
+next door to the defendant."--"Yes."--"To the south of him?"--"No."--"To
+the north?"--"No."--"Well, to the east then?"--"No."--"Ah," exclaimed
+the counsel sarcastically, "we are likely now to get down to the one
+real fact. You live to the west of him, do you not?"--"No."--"How is
+that, sir?" the astounded counsel asked. "You say you live next door to
+the defendant, yet he lives neither north, south, east, or west of you.
+What do you mean by that, sir?" Whereupon the witness "came back." "I
+thought perhaps you were competent to form the impression that we lived
+in a flat," said the witness calmly; "but I see I must inform you that
+he lives next door above me."
+
+In the Supreme Court of the United States the President interrupted
+counsel in the course of a long speech by saying: "Mr. Jones, you must
+give this Court credit for knowing _something_."--"That's all very
+well," replied the advocate (who came from a Western State), "but that's
+exactly the mistake I made in the Court below."
+
+In a suit for damages against a grasping railway corporation for killing
+a cow, the attorney for the plaintiff, addressing the twelve Arkansas
+good men and true who were sitting in judgment, and on their respective
+shoulder-blades, said: "Gentlemen of the jury, if the train had been
+running as slow as it should have been ran, if the bell had been rung as
+it 'ort to have been rang, or the whistle had been blown as it 'ort to
+have been blew, none of which was did, the cow would not have been
+injured when she was killed."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Although not strictly a story of either the Bench or the Bar of America,
+it is so pertinent to the latter that we cannot omit the following told
+by the Scottish clergyman, the late Dr. Gillespie of Mouswold, in his
+amusing collection of anecdotes.
+
+A young American lady was his guest at the manse while a young Scottish
+advocate was spending a holiday in the neighbourhood. He was invited to
+dine at the manse, and took the young lady in to dinner, and kept
+teasing her in a lively, good-natured manner about American people and
+institutions, while it may be guessed his neighbour held her own, as
+most American girls are well able to do. At length the advocate asked,
+"Miss ----, have you any lawyers in America?" She knowing what
+profession he belonged to replied quick as thought, "Oh yes, Mr. ----,
+lots of lawyers. I've a brother a lawyer. Whenever we've a member of a
+family a bigger liar than another, we make him a lawyer."
+
+A quaint decision was given by Judge Kimmel, of the Supreme Court at
+St. Louis, in an application for divorce by Mrs. Quan. The judge
+directed Patrick J. Egan, a policeman, to supervise the domestic affairs
+of the couple, and to visit their home daily for thirty days. After
+questioning the wife closely on her attitude towards her husband and his
+treatment of her, Egan wrote down for the wife's guidance a long array
+of precepts. Among these were the following:
+
+"Don't remonstrate with your husband when he has been drinking. Wait
+until next morning. Then give him a cup of coffee for his headache.
+Afterwards lead him into the parlour, put your arms about him, and give
+him a lecture. It will have more weight with him than any number of
+quarrels.
+
+"If he has to drink, let him have it at home.
+
+"Avoid mothers-in-law. Don't let them live with you or interfere in your
+affairs.
+
+"If you must have your own way, do not let your husband know you are
+trying to boss him. Have your own way by letting him think he is having
+his.
+
+"Dress to suit your husband's taste and income. Husbands usually don't
+like their wives to wear tight dresses. Consult him on these matters.
+
+"Don't be jealous or give your husband cause for jealousy.
+
+"When your husband is in a bad humour, be in a good humour. It may be
+difficult, but it will pay."
+
+The policeman-philosopher's precepts were duly printed, framed, and
+placed against the wall of the family sitting-room. After paying only
+fifteen of the thirty visits to the house directed by the judge, the
+results could not have been more gratifying. Mr. and Mrs. Quan were
+delighted, and presented the guide to martial bliss with a handsome
+token of their gratitude in the form of a gold watch.
+
+Many of the droll sayings of the American Bench of past years are
+attributable to the fact that the judges were appointed by popular vote,
+and the successful candidate was not always a man of high attainments in
+the practice of his profession at the Bar, or of profound learning in
+the laws of his country. Too often he was a man of no better education
+than the mass of litigants upon whose causes he was called to
+adjudicate. For instance, a Kentuckian judge cut short a tedious and
+long-winded counsel by suddenly breaking into his speech with: "If the
+Court is right, and she thinks she air, why, then, you are wrong, and
+you knows you is. Shut up!"
+
+"What are you reading from?" demanded Judge Dowling, who had in his
+earlier life been a fireman and later a police officer. "From the
+statutes of 1876, your honour," was the reply. "Well, you needn't read
+any more," retorted the judge; "I'm judge in this Court, and my statutes
+are good enough law for anybody." A codified law and precedent cases
+were of no account to this "equity" judge.
+
+But these are mild instances of the methods of early American judges
+compared with the summing up of Judge Rodgers--Old Kye, as he was
+called--in an action for wrongful dismissal brought before him by an
+overseer. "The jury," said his honour, "will take notice that this Court
+is well acquainted with the nature of the case. When this Court first
+started in the world it followed the business of overseering, and if
+there is a business which this Court understands, it's hosses, mules,
+and niggers; though this Court never overseed in its life for less than
+eight hundred dollars. And this Court in hoss-racing was always
+naterally gifted; and this Court in running a quarter race whar the
+hosses was turned could allers turn a hoss so as to gain fifteen feet in
+a race; and on a certain occasion it was one of the conditions of the
+race that Kye Rodgers shouldn't turn narry of the hosses." Surely it
+must have been Old Kye who, upon taking his official seat for the first
+time, said: "If this Court know her duty, and she thinks she do, justice
+will walk over this track with her head and tail up."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+On a divorce case coming before a Western administrator of the law,
+Judge A. Smith, he thus addressed the plaintiff's counsel, who was
+awaiting the arrival of his opponent to open proceedings. "I don't
+think people ought to be compelled to live together when they don't want
+to do so. I will decree a divorce in this case." Thereupon they were
+declared to be no longer man and wife. At this juncture the defendant's
+counsel entered the Court and expressed surprise that the judge had not
+at least heard one side of the case, much less both sides, and protested
+against such over-hasty proceedings. But to all his protestations the
+judge turned a deaf ear; only informing him that no objections could now
+be raised after decree had been pronounced. "But," he added, "if you
+want to argue the case 'right bad,' the Court will marry the couple
+again, and you can then have your say out."
+
+Breach of promise cases generally afford plenty of amusement to the
+public, both in the United States and Great Britain, but it is only in
+early American Courts that we hear of a judge adding to the hilarity by
+congratulating the successful party to the suit. A young American belle
+sued her faithless sweetheart, and claimed damages laid at one hundred
+dollars. The defendant pleaded that after an intimate acquaintance with
+the family, he found it was impossible to live comfortably with his
+intended mother-in-law, who was to take up residence with her daughter
+after the marriage, and he refused to fulfil his promise. "Would you
+rather live with your mother-in-law, or pay _two hundred_ dollars?"
+inquired the judge. "Pay two hundred dollars," was the prompt reply.
+Said the judge: "Young man, let me shake hands with you. There was a
+time in my life when I was in the same situation as you are in now. Had
+I possessed your firmness, I should have been spared twenty-five years
+of trouble. I had the alternative of marrying or paying a hundred and
+twenty-five dollars. Being poor, I married; and for twenty-five years
+have I regretted it. I am happy to meet with a man of your stamp. The
+plaintiff must pay ten dollars and costs for having thought of putting a
+gentleman under the dominion of a mother-in-law."
+
+The charms of the female sex were more susceptible to the Iowa judge
+than to his brother of the former story. This worthy refused to fine a
+man for kissing a young lady against her will, because the complainant
+was so pretty that "nothing but the Court's overwhelming sense of
+dignity prevented the Court from kissing her itself."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"A fellow-feeling makes one wondrous kind," wrote Garrick, and something
+of this nature must have actuated Judge Bela Brown in a case in a
+Circuit Court of Georgia. The judge was an able lawyer, and right good
+boon companion among his legal friends. The night before the Court
+opened he joined the Circuit barristers at a tavern kept by one Sterrit,
+where the company enjoyed themselves "not wisely, but too well." Next
+morning the judge was greatly perturbed to find a quantity of silver
+spoons in his pocket, which had been placed there by a wag of the
+company as the judge left the tavern the night before. "Was I tipsy when
+I came home last night?" timidly asked the judge of his wife. "Yes,"
+said she; "you know your habits when you get among your lawyer
+friends."--"Well," responded the judge, "that fellow keeps the meanest
+liquor in the States; but I never thought it was so bad as to induce a
+man to steal."
+
+Before the close of the Court a man was arraigned for larceny, who
+pleaded guilty, but put forward the extenuating circumstance that he was
+drunk and didn't know what he was doing. "What is the nature of the
+charge," asked Judge Brown. "Stealing money from Sterrit's till,"
+replied the clerk. "Are you sure you were tipsy when you took this
+money?"--"Yes, your honour; when I went out of doors the ground kept
+coming up and hitting me on the head."--"That will do. Did you get all
+your liquor at Sterrit's?"--"Every drop, sir." Turning to the
+prosecuting attorney the judge said, "You will do me the favour of
+entering a _nolle prosequi_; that liquor of Sterrit's I have reason to
+know is enough to make a man do anything dirty. I got tipsy on it myself
+the other night and stole all his spoons. If Sterrit will sell such
+abominable stuff he ought not to have the protection of this Court--Mr.
+Sheriff, you may release the prisoner."
+
+The judge of a Court in Nevada dealt differently with a man who, charged
+with intoxication, thought to gain acquittal by a whimsical treatment of
+his offence. On being asked whether he was rightly or wrongly charged he
+pleaded, "Not guilty, your honour. Sunstroke!"--"Sunstroke?" queried
+Judge Cox. "Yes, sir; the regular New York variety."--"You've had
+sunstroke a good deal in your time, I believe?"--"Yes, your honour; but
+this last attack was most severe."--"Does sunstroke make you rush
+through the streets offering to fight the town?"--"That's the effect
+precisely."--"And makes you throw brickbats at people?"--"That's it,
+judge. I see you understand the symptoms, and agree with the best
+recognised authorities, who hold it inflames the organs of combativeness
+and destructiveness. When a man of my temperament gets a good square
+sunstroke he's liable to do almost anything."--"Yes; you are quite
+right--liable to go to jail for fifteen days. You'll go down with the
+policeman at once." With that observation the conversation naturally
+closed, and the victim of so-called sunstroke "went down."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Sheriff, remove the prisoner's hat," said a judge in the Court of
+Keatingville, Montana, when he noticed that the culprit before him had
+neglected to do so. The sheriff obeyed instructions by knocking off the
+hat with his rifle. The prisoner picked it up, and clapping it on his
+head again, shouted, "I am bald, judge." Once more it was "removed" by
+the sheriff, while the indignant judge rose and said, "I fine you five
+dollars for contempt of Court--to be committed until the fine is paid."
+The offender approached the judge, and laying down half a dollar
+remarked, "Your sentence, judge, is most ungentlemanly; but the law is
+imperative and I will have to stand it; so here is half a dollar, and
+the four dollars and a half you owed me when we stopped playing poker
+this morning makes us square."
+
+The card-playing administrator of law must have felt as small as his
+brother-judge who priced a cow at an Arkansas cattle-market. Seeing one
+that took his fancy he asked the farmer what he wanted for her. "Thirty
+dollars, and she'll give you five quarts of milk if you feed her well,"
+said the farmer. "Why," quoth the judge, "I have cows not much more than
+half her size which give twenty quarts of milk a day." The farmer eyed
+the would-be purchaser of the cow very hard, as if trying to remember if
+he had met him before, and then inquired where he lived. "My home is in
+Iowa," replied the judge. "Yes, stranger, I don't dispute it. There were
+heaps of soldiers from Iowa down here during the war, and they were the
+worst liars in the whole Yankee army. Maybe you were an officer in one
+of them regiments." Then the judge returned to his Court duties.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Judge Kiah Rodgers already figures in a story, and here we give his
+address to a delinquent when he presided at a Court in Louisiana.
+"Prisoner, stand up! Mr. Kettles, this Court is under the painful
+necessity of passing sentence of the law upon you. This Court has no
+doubt, Mr. Kettles, but what you were brought into this scrape by the
+use of intoxicating liquors. The friends of this Court all know that if
+there is any vice this Court abhors it is intoxication. When this Court
+was a young man, Mr. Kettles, it was considerably inclined to drink, and
+the friends of this Court know that this Court has naterally a very high
+temper; and if this Court had not stopped short off, I have no doubt,
+sir, but what this Court, sir, would have been in the penitentiary or in
+its grave."
+
+There was a strong sense of duty to humanity, as well as seeing justice
+carried out, in the Californian sheriff after an interview with a
+self-confessed murderer, who desired to be sent to New York to be tried,
+when he addressed the prisoner: "So your conscience ain't easy, and you
+want to be hanged?" said the sheriff. "Well, my friend, the county
+treasury ain't well fixed at present, and I don't want to take any
+risks, in case you're not the man, and are just fishing for a free
+ride. Besides, those New York Courts can't be trusted to hang a man. As
+you say, you deserve to be killed, and your conscience won't be easy
+till you are killed, and as it can't make any difference to you or to
+society how you are killed, I guess I'll do the job myself!" and his
+hand moved to his pocket; but before he could pull out the revolver and
+level it at the murderer, that conscience-stricken individual was down
+the road and out of killing distance.
+
+Like the sailor who objected to his captain undertaking the double duty
+of flogging and preaching, prisoners do not appreciate the judge who
+delivers sentence upon them and at the same time admonishes them in a
+long speech. After being sentenced a Californian prisoner was thus
+reproached by a judge for his lack of ambition:
+
+"Where is it, sir? Where is it? Did you ever hear of Cicero taking free
+lunches? Did you ever hear that Plato gamboled through the alleys of
+Athens? Did you ever hear Demosthenes accused of sleeping under a
+coal-shed? If you would be a Plato, there would be a fire in your eye;
+your hair would have an intellectual cut; you'd step into a clean shirt;
+and you'd hire a mowing-machine to pare those finger-nails. You have got
+to go up for four months!"
+
+In conclusion we return to the jury-box of a New York Court for the
+story of a well-known character who frequently was called to act along
+with other good men and true. As soon as they had retired to deliberate
+on the evidence they had heard, he would button up his coat and "turn
+in" on a bench, exclaiming, "Gentlemen, I'm for bringing in a verdict
+for the plaintiff (or the defendant, as he had settled in his mind), and
+all Creation can't move me. Therefore as soon as you have all agreed
+with me, wake me up and we'll go in."
+
+
+
+
+L'ENVOI
+
+
+    "THE TASK IS ENDED, AND ASIDE WE FLING
+    THE MUSTY BOOKS TIED UP WITH LEGAL STRING;
+    AND SO GOOD NIGHT, SINCE WE OUR SAY HAVE SAID,
+    SHUT UP THE VOLUME AND PROCEED TO BED;
+    AND DREAM, DEAR READER, OF A FUTURE, WHEN
+    A LAWYER MAY SHAKE HANDS WITH YOU AGAIN."
+
+    WILLOCK: _Legal Facetiae_.
+
+
+
+
+INDEX
+
+
+     Abbot, Mr. Justice, 43
+
+     Abinger, Lord, 35, 36, 42
+
+     Adam, H. L., 80, 101
+
+     Adams, Serjeant, 85
+
+     Adolphus, John, 76
+
+     Alderson, Baron, 45
+
+     Alemoor, Lord, 156
+
+     Allen, Serjeant, 68
+
+     Alverstone, Lord, 62
+
+     Andrews, W., 26, 99
+
+     Anne, Queen, 107, 159
+
+     Archibald, Mr. Justice, 94
+
+     Ardwall, Lord, 193, 212
+
+     Arnot, Hugo, 201, 203
+
+     Atkinson, Mrs., 90
+
+     Auchinleck, Lord, 155
+
+     Avonmore, Lord, 119-122, 131, 133
+
+     Avory, Lord, 62, 63
+
+
+     Bacon, Lord, 68
+
+     Bacon, Sir Nicholas, 5
+
+     Bacon, Vice-Chancellor, 38, 54
+
+     Baird, Mr., of Cambusdoon, 192
+
+     Baldwin, Mr., 83
+
+     Balfour, Sheriff, 209
+
+     Ballantine, Serjeant, 81, 88
+
+     Balmuto, Lord, 201
+
+     Bannatyne, Lord, 165
+
+     Barjarg, Lord, 156
+
+     Bell, Abigail, 234
+
+     Bethel, I. B., 136
+
+     Birrell, Augustine, 89
+
+     Blair, Lord President, 170
+
+     Blair, Thomas W., 159
+
+     Boswell, James, 155, 165
+
+     Bowen, Lord, 53, 54
+
+     Boyd, Judge, 135
+
+     Boyle, Lord Justice-Clerk, 175
+
+     Braxfield, Lord, 155, 182, 183, 200
+
+     Brocklesby, Dr., 15
+
+     Brougham, Lord, 17, 39-43, 117, 188, 205
+
+     Brown, Judge Bela, 243
+
+     Buchan, Earl of, 27, 202
+
+     Bullen, Edward, 85
+
+     Burrowes, Peter, 145
+
+     Burrows, Sir James, 9
+
+     Bushe, Charles K., 118, 122, 138
+
+     Butler, Sir Toby, 127
+
+     Byles, Mr. Justice, 49
+
+     Byron, Lord, 224
+
+
+     Campbell, Lord John, 13, 25, 34, 35, 41-44, 76, 86
+
+     Campbell, Lord President, 181
+
+     Carleton, Chief Justice, 112
+
+     Carleton, Lady, 112
+
+     Chambers, Montague, 77
+
+     Charles II, 6, 68
+
+     Chelmsford, Lord, 46
+
+     Chitty, Lord Justice, 38
+
+     Choate, Rufus, 234-236
+
+     Clare, Lord, 132
+
+     Clarke, George, minstrel, 97
+
+     Clarke, Thomas, 75, 76
+
+     Clonmel, Earl of, 109, 110
+
+     Coalston, Lord, 156
+
+     Cockburn, Lord, 171, 173, 174, 175, 185-187, 215
+
+     Cockburn, Sir Alexander, 46, 47, 55-57
+
+     Cockle, Serjeant, 100, 101
+
+     Coleridge, Lord, 51, 52
+
+     Collins, Stephen, Q.C., 140, 141
+
+     Colman, George, 79
+
+     Colquhoun, Sir James, 202
+
+     Connor, John, 143
+
+     Cooke, Tom, 36
+
+     Cottenham, Lord Chancellor, 42
+
+     Coutts, Thomas, 159
+
+     Covington, Lord, 155
+
+     Cox, Judge, 245
+
+     Crabtree, Jesse, 79
+
+     Cranworth, Lord, 35
+
+     Cringletie, Lord, 170
+
+     Crispe, Thomas E., 94
+
+     Crosbie, Andrew, 205
+
+     Cunningham, Lord, 206
+
+     Curran, J. P., 109, 113, 120, 121, 127-134
+
+
+     Danckwerts, Mr., Q.C., 59
+
+     Darling, Mr. Justice, 3, 4, 58-60
+
+     Davenport, Sir Thomas, 12
+
+     Davy, Serjeant, 70, 71
+
+     Deas, Lord, 177
+
+     Denman, Lord, 72, 73
+
+     Dewar, Lord, 51
+
+     Dirleton, Lord, 153
+
+     Douglas, Alexander, W.S., 188
+
+     Dowling, Judge, 240
+
+     Doyle, Mr., 121
+
+     Duke, Mr., K.C., 60
+
+     Dun, Lord, 159
+
+     Dundas, Henry (Lord Melville), 157, 200
+       Robert, first Lord President, 156, 158
+       ---- second Lord President, 204
+
+     Dunning, Serjeant, 17, 73, 74
+
+
+     Egan, John, Q.C., 131, 134
+
+     Egerton, Master of Rolls, 6
+
+     Eldin, Lord, 164, 167-171
+
+     Eldon, Earl of, 10-12, 17-19, 167, 171, 179
+
+     Elizabeth, Queen, 68
+
+     Ellenborough, Lord, 20, 21
+
+     Elliock, Lord, 156
+
+     Erne, Lord, 114
+
+     Erskine, Henry, 27, 164, 199-202
+       John, of Carnoch, 157
+       ---- Lord, 27-31, 46
+
+     Esher, Lord, 54
+
+     Eskgrove, Lord, 155, 160, 161, 162, 164, 199
+
+     Evans, 228
+
+     Eve, Mr. Justice, 69
+
+
+     Fisher, Dr., 19
+
+     Fitton, Lord Chancellor, 127
+
+     Flood, Right Hon. H., 110
+
+     Forglen, Lord, 160
+
+     Fortesque, Lord, 8
+
+     Foster, Judge, 113
+
+     Fountainhall, Lord, 153, 154
+
+     Furton, Sir Thomas, 132
+
+
+     Gardenstone, Lord, 156
+
+     Garrick, David, 243
+
+     George III, 19, 24
+
+     Gillespie, Rev. Dr., 238
+
+     Gillon, Joseph, W.S., 219
+
+     Glengarry, 161
+
+     Gould, Mr. Justice, 22, 30, 60, 71
+
+     Grady, H. D., 135-136
+
+     Graham, Baron, 34
+
+     Grantham, Mr. Justice, 58
+
+     Guildford, Lord, 68
+
+     Guthrie, Lord, 193
+
+
+     Hailes, Lord, 156
+
+     Halkerston, Lord, 163
+
+     Halligan, Denis, 113, 114
+
+     Hardwicke, Lord, 8
+
+     Harper, Sheriff, 206
+
+     Harris, Billy, 111
+
+     Hatton, Lord Chancellor, 5
+
+     Haweis, Rev. H. R., 223
+
+     Hawkins, Sir Henry (Lord Brampton), 54-57
+
+     Hayward, Mr., 132
+
+     Healy, Tim, 146, 147
+
+     Henderson, Sir John, 161
+
+     Henn, Chief Baron, 111
+       Jonathan, 111, 112
+       William, Judge, 111
+
+     Henry VIII, 4
+
+     Henry, Patrick, 224
+
+     Hermand, Lord, 165, 174, 176, 179-181
+
+     Herrick, Mr., 141
+
+     Hill, Serjeant, 69, 70
+
+     Holmes, Mr., 138
+
+     Holroyd, Chief Justice, 38
+
+     Holt, Lord Justice, 37
+
+     Hook, John, 224
+
+     Horne, Mr., Dean of Faculty, 193
+
+     Horner, Mr., 183
+
+     Hyde, Edward (Lord Campden), 7
+
+
+     Jackson, Sheriff Officer, 116
+
+     James, Edwin, 85, 86
+
+     James V, 153
+
+     Jeffrey, Lord, 172, 187
+
+     Jeffreys, Judge, 7
+
+     Jekyll, Serjeant, 79, 80
+
+
+     Kames, Lord, 5, 156, 165, 166
+
+     Keating, Mr. Justice, 61, 68
+
+     Keller, Jerry, 139
+
+     Kennedy, Mrs., 52
+
+     Kennet, Lord, 158
+
+     Kenyon, Lord, 10-12, 22-24
+
+     Kilkerran, Lord, 163
+
+     Kingston, Duchess of, 13
+
+     Knight-Bruce, Lord Justice, 47, 48
+
+
+     Labron, John, 39
+
+     Landseer, Sir Edwin, 81
+
+     Lawrence, Sir Thomas, 85
+
+     Lawson, Mr. Justice, 123
+
+     Lee, Jack, 77
+
+     Leeds, Duke of, 46
+
+     Lees, Richard, 206
+
+     Lifford, Lord Chancellor, 110
+
+     Lockwood, Sir Frank, 89, 92
+
+     Logan, Sheriff, 206
+
+     Lysaght, Edward, 136, 137
+
+
+     M'Cormick, Samuel, 175
+
+     Macdonald, Chief Baron, 34
+
+     Macklin, Actor, 128
+
+     Maclaren, Lord, 194
+
+     MacMahon, Serjeant, 145
+
+     Mahaffy, Ninian, 140, 141
+
+     Mair, Ludovick, 208
+
+     Maloney, Mr., 130
+
+     Manners, Lord Chancellor, 141
+
+     Mansfield, Earl of, 14-16, 74, 205
+
+     Margarot, 183
+
+     Martin, Baron, 44, 45, 81
+
+     Maule, Mr. Justice, 31-34
+
+     Meadowbank, Lord (first), 159
+
+     Meadowbank, Lord (second), 164, 169, 179
+
+     Mellor, Mr., 91, 92
+
+     Miller, Sir Thomas, 157
+
+     Millicent, Sir John, 6
+
+     Milton, Lord, 159
+
+     Missing, Serjeant, 75
+
+     Mitchell, John, 112
+
+     Monboddo, Lord, 153, 157
+
+     Moncreiff, Lord, 175, 183, 184
+       Rev. Sir Henry Wellwood, 175
+       Lord Justice-Clerk, 211
+
+     Moore, Frankfort, 123
+
+     Moore, Judge, 112
+
+     More, Sir Thomas, 4, 5
+
+     Muir, Mr., 82
+
+     Murphy, Mr., gaoler, 117
+
+
+     Nagle, Mr., 127
+
+     Nangle, Mr., 107, 108, 109
+
+     Nares, Mr. Justice, 27
+
+     Newhall, Lord, 160
+
+     Newton, Lord, 171-173
+
+     Norbury, Lord, 114-117, 132, 133, 145
+
+     Norfolk, Duke of, 19
+
+
+     O'Connell, Daniel, 117, 141-144
+
+     O'Flanagan, F. R., 107, 137
+
+     O'Gorman, Mr., 139, 140
+
+     O'Grady, Chief Baron, 117-119
+
+     Orton, Arthur, 55
+
+     Oswald, Francis, 95, 96
+
+
+     Page, Mr. Justice, 22
+
+     Parker, Chief Baron, 15
+
+     Parry, Serjeant, 93, 101
+
+     Parsons, Chief Justice, 223, 224
+
+     Parsons, Commissioner, 144, 145
+
+     Patteson, Mr. Justice, 61
+
+     Peat, Mr., 80
+
+     Petigru, Mr., 231
+
+     Phillimore, Sir Walter, 57
+
+     Phillips, Charles, 54
+
+     Phillips, 123, 128
+
+     Phipps, Lord Chancellor, 107
+
+     Pigot, Chief Baron, 141
+
+     Pinckney, Judge W. M., 230
+
+     Pitfour, Lord, 158
+
+     Pitmilly, Lord, 174
+
+     Plowden, Mr., 55
+
+     Plunket, Lord, 122, 123, 138
+
+     Polkemmet, Lord, 155, 163, 164
+
+     Powis, Mr. Justice, 8
+
+     Pratt, Sir John, Lord Justice, 9
+
+     Prime, Serjeant, 26, 72
+
+     Pritchard, Mary, 77
+
+     Pyne, Chief Justice, 107, 108
+
+
+     Queensberry, Duke of, 29
+
+
+     Raine, Mr., 100
+
+     Redsdale, Lord Chancellor, 140
+
+     Reid, David, 159, 160
+
+     Ribton, Mr., Q.C., 50
+
+     Robertson, Patrick, Lord, 188
+
+     Roche, Sir Boyle, 133
+
+     Rodgers, Judge K., 241, 247
+
+     Romilly, Lord, 89
+
+     Rose, Sir George, 18
+
+     Ross, Charles, 159
+
+     Russell, Lord John, 42
+
+     Russell, Lord, of Killowen, 51
+
+     Rutherford, Lord, 189
+
+     Rutland, Earl of, 4
+
+     Ryder, Chief Justice, 9
+
+
+     Scarlett, Miss, 43
+
+     Scott, James, Q.C., 137
+
+     Scott, Sir Walter, 160, 199, 219
+
+     Shaftesbury, Lord, 6
+
+     Shand, Lord, 190, 191, 193
+
+     Shee, Mr., Q.C., 51
+
+     Sinclair, Sir John, 30
+
+     Sleigh, Warner, 83
+
+     Smith, Judge A., 241
+
+     Smith, F. E., 95
+
+     Speer, Judge Emery, 229
+
+     Stanley, Lord, 41
+
+     Stonefield, Lord, 157, 185
+
+     Strichen, Lord, 156
+
+     Sugden, Sir Edward, 39
+
+     Sullivan, Mr., 223
+
+     Sumner, Mr., 234
+
+     Swinton, Lord, 200
+
+
+     Taylor, Senator, 230
+
+     Tenterden, Lord, 25
+
+     Thomas, Serjeant, 73
+
+     Thomson, Baron, 34
+
+     Thorpe, W. G., 86
+
+     Thurlow, Lord, 10-13, 19, 20
+
+     Townshend, Lord, 110
+
+     Tunstal, Dr., 77
+
+
+     Warren, Samuel, 46, 83
+
+     Wauchope, Mr., of Niddrie, 186
+
+     Webster, Daniel, 227, 228
+
+     Wedderburn, Alexander (Lord Roslin), 7
+
+     Weldon, Mrs., 54
+
+     Weller, Mr., 107, 108
+
+     Westbury, Lord, 34, 35, 47
+
+     Wharton, Mr., 94
+
+     Whigham, Mr., 79
+
+     Wight, Alexander, 155
+
+     Wightman, Mr. Justice, 50
+
+     Wilkins, Serjeant, 6, 72, 73
+
+     Willes, Mr. Justice, 21, 49, 78
+
+     Williams, Montague, 49, 88
+
+     Wills, Mr. Justice, 38
+
+     Wirt, William, 227, 228
+
+
+     Yorke, Edward (Lord Hardewicke), 8
+
+     Young, Lord, 191-193
+
+
+
+
+SOME SCOTTISH BOOKS
+
+
+BOOK of EDINBURGH ANECDOTE
+
+By FRANCIS WATT. The stories in "The Book of Edinburgh Anecdote," good
+in themselves, illustrate in an interesting way bygone times. The
+heroics and the follies, the greatness and the littleness, the wit and
+humour of famous or even infamous citizens are presented in a lively
+manner. Even to those who know much about Edinburgh much will be fresh,
+for the material has been gathered from many and various, and not seldom
+obscure, sources. With thirty-two portraits in collotype and
+frontispiece in colour. 312 pp. Buckram, 5/- net; Leather, 7/6 net.
+
+
+BOOK of GLASGOW ANECDOTE
+
+By D. MACLEOD MALLOCH. This book is a storehouse of information
+regarding Glasgow, and is full of interesting and amusing stories of
+Church, University, medical, legal, municipal, and commercial life. No
+such collection of Glasgow anecdotes has hitherto appeared in any single
+volume; and their interest is such that this book should appeal not only
+to Glasgow people, but also to all who can appreciate good stories of
+professional and commercial life, and stories illustrative of Scottish
+character. With frontispiece in colour and thirty-five portraits in
+collotype. 400 pp. Buckram, 5/- net; Leather, 7/6 net.
+
+
+MARY QUEEN OF SCOTS
+
+By HILDA T. SKAE. This volume contains a compact account of the life of
+one of the most romantic figures in Scottish history. It contains
+sixteen illustrations in colour besides many portraits, and merely to
+turn them over is to gain a more living and reliable idea of the course
+of her tragic life, and of the characters of those who surrounded her,
+than the most careful of historical descriptions. The very actors and
+actresses move before the reader's eyes; and their stories, ceasing to
+be distant traditions, are seen to concern the movements, hesitations,
+half-hopes, and human impulses of people strangely like ourselves. 224
+pp. Buckram, 5/- net; Velvet Persian, 7/6 net.
+
+
+R. L. STEVENSON: MEMORIES
+
+Being twenty-five illustrations, reproduced from photographs, of Robert
+Louis Stevenson, his homes and his haunts, many of these reproduced for
+the first time. A booklet for every Stevenson lover. In Japon vellum
+covers, 1/- net; bound in Japanese vellum, with illustrations mounted,
+2/6 net.
+
+
+T.N.FOULIS.PUBLISHER
+
+
+
+
+BOOKS TO ENTERTAIN
+
+
+THE LIGHTER SIDE OF IRISH LIFE
+
+By GEORGE A. BIRMINGHAM. Its title suggests unbridled jocularity--and it
+is in fact full of inimitable fun; but there is a basis of solid thought
+and sympathy to all the mirth. While replenishing the common stock of
+Irish stories, Mr Birmingham adjusts our conception of the race. Mr
+Kerr's sixteen illustrations in colour form a gallery of genre studies,
+sympathetic and yet sincere, that allows us to look with our own eyes
+upon Ireland as she really is to-day. 288 pp. Buckram, 5/- net. Velvet
+Persian, 7/6 net.
+
+
+IRISH LIFE & CHARACTER
+
+By Mrs S. C. HALL. "Tales of Irish Life" will remind the reader more of
+Lever or Sam Lover than of "Lavengro." It is effervescent and audacious,
+ringing with all the fun of the fair, and spiced with the constant
+presence of a vivacious and irresistible personality. The sixteen
+illustrations by Erskine Nicol are in precisely the same vein, matching
+Mrs Hall's sketches so manifestly that it is strange they have never
+been united before. To look at them is to laugh. 330 pp. Buckram,
+5/- net. Velvet Persian, 7/6 net.
+
+
+LORD COCKBURN'S MEMORIALS
+
+"This volume," says _The Saturday Review_, "is one of the most
+entertaining books a reader could lay his hands on." "The book," says
+_The Edinburgh Review_, "is one of the pleasantest fireside volumes that
+has ever been published." Cockburn's pen could tell a tale as well as
+his tongue, and to read this book is to sit, unobserved, at that
+immortal Round Table, with anecdote and reminiscence in full tide. With
+twelve portraits in colour by Sir Henry Raeburn, and other
+illustrations. Extra Crown 8vo. 480 pp. Buckram, 6/- net.
+
+
+AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF CARLYLE OF INVERESK (1722-1805)
+
+Edited by J. HILL BURTON. "He was the grandest demi-god I ever saw,"
+wrote Sir Walter Scott of the author of this book. But, as these Memoirs
+show, he was a demi-god with a very human heart,--or, at any rate, a
+"divine" with a thorough knowledge of the world. It was probably these
+qualities that made him such a prominent figure in his day, and it is
+certainly these that give his Recollections their unique importance and
+raciness. They provide "by far the most vivid picture of Scottish life
+and manners that has been given to the world since Scott's day." This
+edition has been equipped with a series of thirty-six portraits
+reproduced in photogravure of the chief personages who move in its
+pages. 612 pp. Buckram, 6/- net.
+
+
+T.N.FOULIS.PUBLISHER
+
+
+
+
+SOME ENGLISH BOOKS
+
+
+THE ENGLISH CHARACTER
+
+By SPENCER LEIGH HUGHES, M.P., _Sub-Rosa_ of the _Daily News and
+Leader_. Although his pen has probably covered more pages than Balzac's,
+this is the first time _Sub-Rosa_ has really "turned author." The charm
+and penetration of the result suggest that his readers will never allow
+him to turn back again. He is a born essayist, but he has, in addition,
+the breadth and generosity that journalism alone can give a man. The
+combination gives a kind of golden gossip--criticism without acrimony,
+fooling without folly. The work contains sixteen pictures in colour of
+English types by Frederick Gardner. 300 pp. Buckram, 5/- net. Leather,
+7/6 net.
+
+
+ENGLISH COUNTRY LIFE
+
+By WALTER RAYMOND. Mr Raymond is our modern Gilbert White; and many of
+the chapters have a thread of whimsical drama and delicious humour which
+will remind the reader of "The Window in Thrums." It is a book of
+happiness and peace. It is as fragrant as lavender or new-mown hay, and
+as wholesome as curds and cream. With sixteen illustrations in colour by
+Wilfrid Ball, R. E. 462 pp. Buckram, 5/- net. Leather, 7/6 net.
+
+
+ENGLISH LIFE & CHARACTER
+
+By MARY MITFORD. Done with a delicate Dutch fidelity, these little prose
+pastorals of Miss Mitford's would live were they purely imaginary--so
+perfect is their finish, so tender and joyous their touch. But they
+have, in addition, the virtue of being entirely faithful pictures of
+English village life as it was at the time they were written. With
+sixteen illustrations in colour by Stanhope Forbes, R.A. 350 pp.
+Buckram, 5/- net. Leather, 7/6 net.
+
+
+THE RIVER OF LONDON
+
+By HILAIRE BELLOC. Everybody who has read the "Path to Rome" will learn
+with gladness that Mr Hilaire Belloc has written another book in the
+same sunny temper, dealing with the oldest highway in Britain. It is a
+subject that brings into play all those high faculties which make Mr
+Belloc the most genuine man of letters now alive. The record of the
+journey makes one of the most exhilarating books of our time, and the
+series of Mr Muirhead's sixteen pictures painted for this book sets the
+glittering river itself flowing swiftly past before the eye. 200 pp.
+Buckram, 5/- net. Leather, 7/6 net.
+
+
+T.N.FOULIS.PUBLISHER
+
+
+
+
+SOME LITERARY BOOKS
+
+
+THE DICKENS ORIGINALS
+
+By EDWIN PUGH. A very large proportion of Dickens' characters had their
+living prototypes among his contemporaries and acquaintances. In this
+book the author has traced these prototypes, has made original
+researches resulting in the discovery of several new and hitherto
+unsuspected identities, and has given particulars of all of them. With
+thirty portraits of "originals." Extra Cr. 8vo, 400 pp. 6/- net. A book
+for every Dickens lover.
+
+
+THE R. L. STEVENSON ORIGINALS
+
+By E. BLANTYRE SIMPSON. The author has an unequalled knowledge of the
+fortunate Edinburgh circle who knew their R.L.S. long before the rest of
+the world; and she has been enabled to collect a volume of fresh
+_Stevensoniana_, of unrecorded adventures and personal reminiscences,
+which will prove inestimably precious to all lovers of the man and his
+work. The illustrations are of peculiar importance as the publisher has
+been privileged to reproduce a series of portraits and pictures of the
+rarest interest to accompany the text. Four portraits in colour,
+twenty-five in collotype and several letters in facsimile. Extra Cr.
+8vo, 260 pp. Buckram, 6/- net.
+
+
+THE SCOTT ORIGINALS
+
+By W. S. CROCKETT. The actual drovers and dominies, ladies and lairds,
+whom Sir Walter used as his models, figure here, living their own richly
+characteristic and romantic lives with unabated picturesqueness. Mr
+Crockett's identifications are all based on strict evidence, the result
+is that we are given a kind of flowing sequel to the novels, containing
+situations, dialogues, anecdotes, and adventures not included in the
+books. The forty-four illustrations comprise many contemporary
+portraits, including Baron Bradwardine, Pleydell, Davie Gellatley, Hugh
+Redgauntlet, Dugald Dalgetty, and others. 448 pp. Buckram, 6/- net.
+
+
+THE FOOTSTEPS OF SCOTT
+
+By W. S. CROCKETT. Now that Mr Andrew Lang has left us, Mr Crockett has
+probably no equal in his knowledge of the Border country and its
+literature, or in his affectionate acquaintance with the life of Sir
+Walter. The illustrations are from water-colours specially painted by
+Tom Scott, R.S.A. They show his art at its best. 230 pp. Buckram, 3/6
+net.
+
+
+T.N.FOULIS.PUBLISHER
+
+
+
+
+SOME SCOTTISH BOOKS
+
+
+THE KIRK & ITS WORTHIES
+
+By NICHOLAS DICKSON and D. MACLEOD MALLOCH. Our Scottish kirk has a
+great reputation for dourness--but it has probably kindled more humour
+than it ever quenched. The pulpits have inevitably been filled by a race
+of men disproportionately rich in "characters," originals, worthies with
+a gift for pungent expression and every opportunity for developing it.
+There is a fund of good stories here which forms a worthy sequel to Dean
+Ramsay's Reminiscences and a living history of an old-world life. The
+illustrations consist of sixteen reproductions in colour of paintings by
+eminent Scottish artists. The frontispiece is the famous painting "The
+Ordination of Elders." 340 pp. Buckram, 5/- net; Leather, 7/6 net.
+
+
+SCOTTISH LIFE & CHARACTER
+
+By DEAN RAMSAY. The Reminiscences of Dean Ramsay are a kind of literary
+haggis; and no dish better deserves to be worthily served up. "Next to
+the Waverley Novels," says a chief authority, "it has done more than any
+other book to make Scottish customs, phrases, and traits of character
+familiar to Englishmen at home and abroad." Mr Henry W. Kerr's
+illustrations provide a fitting crown to the feast. These pictures of
+characteristic Scottish scenes and Scottish faces give colour to the
+pen-and-ink descriptions, and bring out the full flavour of the text.
+390 pp. Buckram, 5/- net; Leather, 7/6 net.
+
+
+ANNALS OF THE PARISH
+
+By JOHN GALT. The dry humour and whimsical sweetness of John Galt's
+masterpiece need no description at this time of day--it is one of those
+books, full of "the birr and sneddum that is the juice and flavour" of
+life itself, which, like good wines, are the better for long keeping. It
+was the first "kail-yard" to be planted in Scottish letters, and it is
+still the most fertile. The volume contains sixteen of Mr Kerr's
+water-colours, reproduced in colour. 316 pp. Buckram, 5/- net; Leather,
+7/6 net.
+
+
+MANSIE WAUCH
+
+By D. M. MOIR. This edition of the book, which has been designed as a
+companion volume to "The Annals," contains sixteen illustrations in
+colour by C. Martin Hardie, R.S.A. Moir was one of John Galt's chief
+friends, and, like a good comrade, he brought out a rival book. Its
+native blitheness and its racy use of the vernacular will always keep it
+alive. 360 pp. Buckram, 5/- net; Velvet Persian, 7/6 net.
+
+
+T.N.FOULIS.PUBLISHER
+
+
+
+
+PRESENTATION VOLUMES
+
+
+THE MASTER MUSICIANS
+
+By J. CUTHBERT HADDEN. A book for players, singers, and listeners, and
+although the work of an enthusiastic and discerning musician, it deals
+with the men rather than their compositions. There is an abundance of
+good anecdote, and personal foibles are not bowdlerised; but the
+author's taste is perfect and his attitude is frankly one of human
+sympathy. With fifteen illustrations. 320 pp. Buckram, 3/6 net. Velvet
+Persian and boxed, 5/- net.
+
+
+THE MASTER PAINTERS
+
+By STEWART DICK. Mr Dick's book is an attempt to compress the cardinal
+facts and episodes in the lives of the world's greatest painters into a
+series of swift dramatic chapters. The lives of the world's great
+artists are often more picturesque than their pictures. With many
+illustrations. 270 pp. Buckram, 3/6 net. Velvet Persian and boxed,
+5/- net.
+
+
+ARTS & CRAFTS OF OLD JAPAN
+
+By STEWART DICK. "We know of no book," says _The Literary World_, "that
+within such modest limits contrives to convey so much trustworthy
+information on Japanese art." The author and publisher have had the
+generous co-operation of many famous collectors, and the thirty
+illustrations include many exquisite reproductions of some of the most
+perfect kakemonos in Europe. Buckram, 5/- net.
+
+
+ARTS & CRAFTS OF ANCIENT EGYPT
+
+By Professor W. M. FLINDERS PETRIE. Containing one hundred and forty
+illustrations. Small quarto. 228 pp. Buckram, 5/- net. _Second edition_.
+"We cannot speak too highly of the book, so full and so conveniently
+displayed is the knowledge which it contains." _Westminster Gazette._
+
+
+THE WILD FLOWERS
+
+By J. L. CRAWFORD. This book forms a guide to the commoner wild flowers
+of the countryside. It treats flowers as living things. Its special
+charm resides in its sixteen illustrations, in colour, of some of the
+most delicate flower-studies ever painted by Mr Edwin Alexander: whose
+work in this kind is famous throughout Europe. 282 pp. Buckram, 5/- net;
+Velvet Persian, 7/6 net.
+
+
+T.N.FOULIS.PUBLISHER
+
+
+
+
+VOLUMES OF POEMS
+
+
+SONGS OF THE WORLD
+
+As arranged in the volume The Songs of Lady Nairne form a precious
+anthology of old favourites, a souvenir rich in special associations.
+The Foulis _Fergusson_ is illustrated in a new, and, it is thought, a
+welcome way. The result is a volume of rare completeness, with every
+detail as perfect and appropriate as careful thought could achieve. The
+cream of Hogg's poetry is in the third volume, which will appeal to all
+who are in search of a beautiful edition of the work of Scotland's
+famous peasant-poet. Each has illustrations in colour by well-known
+artists. In Boards, 2/6 net; Velvet Persian, 3/6 net.
+
+     1. SONGS OF LADY NAIRNE
+     2. THE SCOTS POEMS OF ROBERT FERGUSSON
+     3. SONGS & POEMS OF THE ETTRICK SHEPHERD
+
+
+SONGS & POEMS OF BURNS
+
+Complete edition, with introductory appreciation by The Earl of
+Rosebery. This edition is one of the most beautiful books ever produced
+in Scotland. It is printed on antique paper of special quality, with
+rubricated initials and spacious margins. The forty-six illustrations in
+colour are unique in their scope, being the work exclusively of the
+foremost Scottish artists. Readers, therefore, when they read the poems
+here will be enabled to see the characters created in words by one
+dreamer, taking graphic shape and form, in colour and line, in the
+responsive vision of another. The binding of the book is russet Scottish
+buckram; and it is specially worthy of notice in this instance that
+every detail is the work of Scottish craftsmen. Quarto, 660 pp. Printed
+in fine Rag paper, and bound in buckram, 10/6 net. Bound in the finest
+Vellum, 21/- net.
+
+
+POEMS OF ADAM LINDSAY GORDON
+
+Adam Lindsay Gordon is generally called the Byron of Australia. But he
+played far more parts than Byron, and crowded more genuine romance into
+his tragic life than even the sixth Baron of Rochdale. In "The Sick
+Stock Rider" he reproduces the colonial bush as keenly as Kipling
+reproduces India. His "How we Beat the Favourite" is the finest ballad
+of the turf in the language. He is, above everything, the sportsman's
+poet. This edition contains twelve stirring illustrations in colour by
+Captain G. D. Giles. 336 pages. Buckram, 5/- net. Bound in Velvet
+Persian, 7/6 net.
+
+
+T.N.FOULIS.PUBLISHER
+
+
+
+
+PRESENTATION VOLUMES
+
+
+FRIENDSHIP BOOKS
+
+Printed in two colours, and in attractive bindings, 2/6 net; bound in
+finest Velvet Persian, 3/6 net.
+
+Half-crown volumes designed specially to meet the requirements of
+book-lovers in search of appropriate yet distinctive souvenirs. Each
+volume has its own individuality in coloured illustrations and the
+effect is aristocratic and exclusive.
+
+     RUBAIYAT OF OMAR KHAYYAM
+     With eight illustrations in colour by F. BRANGWYN, R.A.
+
+     THE GIFT OF FRIENDSHIP
+     Illustrations in colour by H. C. PRESTON MACGOUN. 270 pp.
+
+     THE DREAM OF GERONTIUS
+     By CARDINAL NEWMAN. Illustrations by R. T. ROSE.
+
+     THE GIFT OF LOVE
+     The noblest passages in literature dealing with love. 156 pp.
+
+     SAPPHO, QUEEN OF SONG
+     A selection from her love poems by J. R. TUTIN.
+
+     AUCASSIN & NICOLETTE
+     With introduction by F. W. BOURDILLON.
+
+     THE CHARM OF LIFE
+     With illustrations by FREDERICK GARDNER.
+
+     THE BOOK OF GOOD FRIENDSHIP
+     With illus. by H. C. PRESTON MACGOUN, R.S.W. 132 pp.
+
+
+THE GARDEN LOVER'S BOOKS
+
+Printed in two colours, and in attractive bindings, 2/6 net; bound in
+finest Velvet Persian, 3/6 net. The appearance of these books alone
+confers distinction; ungrudging care has been lavished on their
+production from the choice of type to the colour of the silk markers.
+They make ideal gifts for anyone to whom gardens appeal.
+
+     A BOOK OF GARDENS
+     Illustrated by MARGARET H. WATERFIELD. 140 pp.
+
+     A BOOK OF OLD-WORLD GARDENS
+     With eight illus. in colour by BEATRICE PARSONS. 122 pp.
+
+     GARDEN MEMORIES
+     With eight illus. in colour by MARY G. W. WILSON. 120 pp.
+
+
+T.N.FOULIS.PUBLISHER
+
+
+
+
+ILLUSTRATED VOLUMES
+
+
+THE CITIES SERIES
+
+     In Japon vellum covers, 1/- net; bound in Japanese Vellum, with
+     illustrations mounted, 2/6 net.
+
+     1. A LITTLE BOOK OF LONDON
+        25 DRAWINGS BY JOSEPH PENNELL.
+
+     2. THE GREAT NEW YORK
+        24 DRAWINGS IN PHOTOGRAVURE BY JOSEPH PENNELL.
+
+        These reproductions of the 49 etchings in which he has
+        registered the aspect of contemporary London and New York
+        are among the most brilliant and incisive of Mr Pennell's
+        contributions to art.
+
+     3. THE CITY OF THE WEST
+        24 DRAWINGS IN PHOTOGRAVURE BY JESSIE M. KING.
+
+        Miss Jessie M. King's twenty-four drawings of its duskier
+        corners bring out an endearing side of the character of old
+        Glasgow.
+
+     4. THE GREY CITY OF THE NORTH
+        24 DRAWINGS BY JESSIE M. KING.
+
+        This collection of her work consists of a series of
+        portraits of the Old Town of Edinburgh, their haunting
+        delicacy and gnomish charm.
+
+     5. R. L. STEVENSON: MEMORIES
+
+        These twenty-five photographs from a private collection
+        depict R. L. S., his father, his mother, his wife, his old
+        nurse, his successive homes in Scotland and Samoa, the
+        cottage at Swanston where he spent his holidays as a boy as
+        well as that last resting-place on the summit of Vaea,
+        which the natives call the shrine of Tusitala.
+
+
+MANNERS & CUSTOMS OF YE ENGLYSHE
+
+49 drawings by Richard Doyle, with letterpress by Percival Leigh. By far
+the best of Doyle's drawings were those which appeared in "Punch" under
+the title of "Manners and Customs of Ye Englishe." His sense of humour
+was as sturdy as his draughtsmanship was delicate and the union is
+comedy exquisite.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE SERVILE STATE
+
+By HILAIRE BELLOC. The Servile State is a study of the tendency of
+modern legislation in industrial society and particularly in England not
+towards Socialism but towards the establishment of two legally separate
+classes, one a small class in possession of the means of production, the
+other a much larger class subjected to compulsory labour under the
+guarantee of a legal sufficiency to maintain themselves. The result of
+such an establishment and the forces working for and against it, as well
+as the remedies are fully discussed. 234 pp. Cr. 8vo Boards, 1/- net.
+Buckram, 2/6 net.
+
+
+T.N.FOULIS.PUBLISHER
+
+
+
+
+PRESENTATION VOLUMES
+
+
+NELL GWYN
+
+By CECIL CHESTERTON. The author has carried out the task entrusted to
+him with an admirable clearness and impartiality. The book is richly
+illustrated; the many portraits reflect the impudent, infamous,
+irresistible child-face in all its enchanting phases. Twenty
+illustrations--four in colour. 232 pp. Buckram, 5/- net. Velvet Persian
+and boxed, 7/6 net.
+
+
+LADY HAMILTON
+
+By E. HALLAM MOORHOUSE. "Out of all the vicissitudes of her
+extraordinary life she snatched one lasting triumph--her name spells
+beauty." The many fine portraits in this work demonstrate, as words can
+never do, that extraordinary nobility of temperament which was the main
+characteristic of Nelson's Cleopatra. Twenty-three illustrations--four
+in colour. 236 pp. Buckram, 5/- net. Velvet Persian and boxed, 7/6 net.
+
+
+MARIE ANTOINETTE
+
+By FRANCIS BICKLEY. A picturesque but restrained book. The illustrations
+are all reproductions of portraits. They prove, once more, the power
+which contemporary paintings have of making history intimate and real.
+Twenty illustrations--four in colour. 204 pp. Buckram, 5/- net. Velvet
+Persian and boxed, 7/6 net.
+
+
+PRINCE CHARLIE
+
+By WILLIAM POWER. It is curious to see how profoundly lives in
+themselves so ill-fated have the power to encourage and stimulate the
+reader. Few figures are more real than The Pretender's. His sufferings
+have been turned into songs and great stories; his old calamities are
+our present consolation. This volume contains reproduction in colour of
+sixteen Jacobite pictures and seven portraits in collotype. 200 pp. In
+Buckram, 5/- net; Velvet Persian, 7/6 net.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+RUBAIYAT OF OMAR KHAYYAM
+
+Illus. by FRANK BRANGWYN, R.A. The sumptuous virility of the artist's
+work is specially suitable for the purpose of sustaining and emphasising
+that element of lofty sensuousness of the whole impassioned song. With
+eight illustrations in colour. 120 pp. Buckram, 3/6 net. Velvet Persian
+and boxed, 5/- net.
+
+T.N.FOULIS.PUBLISHER
+
+
+
+
+SOME FOULIS BOOKLETS
+
+
+MAXIMS OF LIFE SERIES
+
+A set of miniature volumes, exquisitely produced, designed to hold the
+essence of the wisdom of some of the world's keenest intelligences. The
+_Napoleon_ volume, for instance, thus contains the essential creed of
+the man who towered above his time like a Colossus. That of _Madame de
+Sevigne_, again, holds the attar of an intellect that dazzled the most
+brilliant court of France. In the _La Rochefoucauld_ is the essence of
+the worldly wisdom of one of the cleverest judges of men and things. And
+the _George Sand_ preserves the private philosophy which a passionate
+woman slowly distilled as she made her stormy pilgrimage through life.
+Each of these volumes, which contain illustrations in line and colour,
+is a slender casket of jewels. In decorative wrapper, 6d. net. Bound in
+Velvet Persian Yapp, 1/- net; also in Japon Vellum, 1/- net. 120 pp.
+
+     1. NAPOLEON
+     2. MADAME DE SEVIGNE
+     3. LA ROCHEFOUCAULD
+     4. GEORGE SAND
+     5. NIETZSCHE
+
+
+LES PETITS LIVRES D'OR
+
+The minted gold of French verse and prose has been packed away here and
+there are few of the French wits and poets whose works have not been
+rifled for these charming booklets. Not even in Paris, the home of
+_chic_, has anything of the sort been seen before. In designed covers,
+each illustrated in colour, 6d. net. In Velvet Persian, 1/- net.
+
+     1. UN PETIT LIVRE D'AMOUR
+     2. UN PETIT LIVRE D'AMITIE
+     3. UN PETIT LIVRE DE SAGESSE
+     4. AUCASSIN ET NICOLETTE
+
+
+DIE ROSEN VOM PARNASS
+
+These are the German equivalents of the Foulis French _petits_, and,
+like the latter, they have created a small _furore_ on the Continent.
+The delicately reproduced "full-page" illustrations are, once more, the
+work of some of the most distinguished Scottish and English painters. In
+designed covers, each illustrated in colour, 6d. net. In Velvet Persian,
+1/- net.
+
+     1. LIEDER VON HEINE
+     2. DEUTSCHE LIEBESLIEDER
+     3. FREUNDSCHAFTSLIEDER
+     4. WANDERLIEDER
+
+
+T.N.FOULIS.PUBLISHER
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber's Note:
+
+Illustration captions have been moved slightly to coincide with the
+mention of the person named in the caption.
+
+The following special characters appear in the text:
+    [)a] a breve
+    [=a] a macron
+
+This book includes a lot of dialect, which often looks misspelled but
+was intentionally written that way. Therefore, some irregularities that
+might be errors have not been corrected in order to preserve author
+intent. Name variants (mostly occurring in the index) also have not been
+corrected. However, obvious errors have been corrected, and punctuation
+has been standardized.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Law and Laughter, by
+George Alexander Morton and Donald Macleod Malloch
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LAW AND LAUGHTER ***
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