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diff --git a/old/30003.txt b/old/30003.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f30827f --- /dev/null +++ b/old/30003.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7742 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Law and Laughter, by +George Alexander Morton and Donald Macleod Malloch + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Law and Laughter + +Author: George Alexander Morton + Donald Macleod Malloch + +Release Date: September 16, 2009 [EBook #30003] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LAW AND LAUGHTER *** + + + + +Produced by Bryan Ness, Rose Acquavella and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +file was produced from images generously made available +by The Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries) + + + + + + + + + + LAW AND LAUGHTER + + + BY GEORGE A. MORTON + AND D. MACLEOD MALLOCH + + + ILLUSTRATED WITH PORTRAITS OF + EMINENT MEMBERS OF BENCH & BAR + + + T. N. FOULIS + LONDON & EDINBURGH + 1913 + + + + _Published October 1913_ + + + Printed by BALLANTYNE, HANSON & CO. + at the Ballantyne Press, Edinburgh + + + + + TO + THE MEMORY OF + D. MACLEOD MALLOCH + + + + + "As crafty lawyers to acquire applause + Try various arts to get a double cause, + So does an author, rummaging his brain, + By various methods, try to entertain." + + PASQUIN. + + + + +PREFACE + + +The scope of this volume is indicated by its title--a presentation of +the lighter side of law, as it is exhibited from time to time in the +witty remarks, repartees, and _bon mots_ of the Bench and Bar of Great +Britain, Ireland, and America. The idea of presenting such a collection +of legal _facetiae_ originated with the late Mr. D. Macleod Malloch, and +it is greatly to be regretted that by his untimely death, his share of +the work had reached the stage of selecting only about one-half of the +material included in the book. His knowledge of law, and his wide +reading in legal biography, was such as would have increased +considerably the value of this volume. + +In addition to sources which are acknowledged in the text, I have to +mention contributions drawn from the following works: W. D. Adams' +_Modern Anecdotes_; W. Andrews' _The Lawyer in History, Literature and +Humour_; Croake James's _Curiosities of Law_; F. R. O'Flanagan's _The +Irish Bar_; and A. Engelbach's comprehensive and entertaining _Anecdotes +of the Bench and Bar_. I am further indebted to Sir James Balfour Paul, +Lyon King of Arms, for permission to include "The Circuiteer's Lament," +from the privately printed volume _Ballads of the Bench and Bar_, and to +the editor of the _Edinburgh Evening Dispatch_ for a number of the more +recent anecdotes in the Scottish chapters of the book. + + GEO. A. MORTON. + + + + + LIST OF CONTENTS + + + I. THE JUDGES OF ENGLAND PAGE 3 + + II. THE BARRISTERS OF ENGLAND 67 + + III. THE JUDGES OF IRELAND 107 + + IV. THE BARRISTERS OF IRELAND 127 + + V. THE JUDGES OF SCOTLAND 153 + + VI. THE ADVOCATES OF SCOTLAND 199 + + VII. THE AMERICAN BENCH AND BAR 223 + + + + + LIST OF PORTRAITS + + + LORD THURLOW _Frontispiece_ + + _From a painting by Thomas Phillips, R.A. + By permission of the Trustees of the National Portrait + Gallery._ + + EARL OF ROSSLYN _Page_ 8 + + EARL OF MANSFIELD 16 + + EARL OF ELDON 20 + + _By permission of the Trustees of the Scottish National + Portrait Gallery._ + + LORD KENYON 24 + + LORD ERSKINE 32 + + LORD WESTBURY 36 + + LORD BROUGHAM 40 + + LORD CAMPBELL 44 + + _By permission of the Trustees of the National Portrait + Gallery, and Mr. Emery Walker._ + + LORD CHELMSFORD 48 + + SIR ALEXANDER COCKBURN 52 + + _By permission of Harry A. Cockburn, Esq._ + + LORD BRAMPTON (SIR HENRY HAWKINS) 56 + + THE HON. MR. JUSTICE DARLING 60 + + _From a photograph by C. Vandyk._ + + SIR SAMUEL MARTIN 64 + + THE HON. MR. JUSTICE GRANTHAM 72 + + _From a photograph by Elliott & Fry, Ltd._ + + JOHN ADOLPHUS 76 + + SAMUEL WARREN, Q.C. 80 + + LORD ROMILLY 88 + + SERJEANT TALFOURD 96 + + VISCOUNT CARLETON 112 + + _By permission of the Trustees of the Scottish National + Portrait Gallery._ + + JOHN P. CURRAN 128 + + _By permission of the Trustees of the Scottish National + Portrait Gallery._ + + DANIEL O'CONNELL 144 + + _By permission of the Trustees of the Scottish National + Portrait Gallery._ + + LORD NEWTON 156 + + LORD ESKGROVE 160 + + LORD KAMES 164 + + LORD ELDIN 168 + + LORD COCKBURN 176 + + LORD BRAXFIELD 184 + + _By permission of the Trustees of the Scottish National + Portrait Gallery._ + + LORD YOUNG 192 + + _From a photograph by T. & R. Annan & Sons._ + + THE HON. HENRY ERSKINE 200 + + _By permission of the Trustees of the Scottish National + Portrait Gallery._ + + ANDREW CROSBIE 208 + + _By permission of the Faculty of Advocates._ + + THEOPHILUS PARSONS 224 + + RUFUS CHOATE 232 + + + + +CHAPTER ONE + +THE JUDGES OF ENGLAND + + + "The man resolv'd and steady to his trust, + Inflexible to ill, and obstinately just, + May the rude rabble's insolence despise, + Their senseless clamours, and tumultuous cries; + The tyrant's fierceness he beguiles, + And the stern brow, and the harsh voice defies, + And with superior greatness smiles." + + HORACE: _Odes_. + + + "The charge is prepared, the lawyers are set; + The judges are ranged, a terrible show." + + _Beggar's Opera._ + + + + + LAW AND LAUGHTER + BY GEORGE A. MORTON + AND D. MACLEOD MALLOCH + + + + +CHAPTER ONE + +THE JUDGES OF ENGLAND + + +Mr. Justice Darling, whose witty remarks from the Bench are so much +appreciated by his audiences in Court, and, it is rumoured, are not +always received with approval by his brother judges, says, in his +amusing book _Scintillae Juris_: + +"It is a common error to suppose that our law has no sense of humour, +because for the most part the judges who expound it have none." + +But law is, after all, a serious business--at any rate for the +litigants--and it would appear also for the attorneys, for while +witticisms of the Bench and Bar abound, very few are recorded of the +attorney and his client. "Law is law" wrote the satirist who decided not +to adopt it as a profession. "Law is like a country dance; people are +led up and down in it till they are tired. Law is like a book of +surgery--there are a great many terrible cases in it. It is also like +physic--they who take least of it are best off. Law is like a homely +gentlewoman--very well to follow. Law is like a scolding wife--very bad +when it follows us. Law is like a new fashion--people are bewitched to +get into it. It is also like bad weather--most people are glad when they +get out of it." + +From very early times there have appeared on the Bench expounders of the +law who by the phrase "for the most part" must be acquitted of Mr. +Justice Darling's charge of having no sense of humour; judges who, like +himself, have lightened the otherwise dreary routine of duty by +pleasantries which in no way interfered with the course of justice. One +of the earliest of our witty judges, whose brilliant sayings have come +down to us, was Henry VIII's Lord Chancellor, Sir Thomas More, who lost +his head because he would not acknowledge his king as head of the +Church. To Sir Thomas Manners, Earl of Rutland, who had made a somewhat +insolent remark, the Lord Chancellor quietly replied, 'Honores mutant +mores'--Honours change manners. Sir Thomas's humour was what may be +called _quiet_, because its effect did not immediately show itself in +boisterous merriment, but would undoubtedly remain long in the +remembrance of those to whom it was addressed. Made with as much +courtesy as irony, is it likely his keeper in the Tower would ever +forget his remark? "Assure yourself I do not dislike my cheer; but +whenever I do, then spare not to thrust me out of your doors." Nor did +his quaint humour desert him at the scaffold: "Master Lieutenant," said +he, "I pray you see me safe up; for my coming down let me shift for +myself." Even with his head on the block he could not resist a humorous +remark, when putting aside his beard he said to the executioner, "Wait, +my good friend, till I have removed my beard, for it has never offended +his highness." + +Another judge of the sixteenth century, Sir Nicholas Bacon, who +resembled Sir Thomas More in the gentleness of his happiest speeches, +could also on occasion exhibit an unnecessary coarseness in his jocular +retorts. A circuit story is told of him in which a convicted felon named +Hog appealed for remission of his sentence on the ground that he was +related to his lordship. "Nay, my friend," replied the judge, "you and I +cannot be kindred except you be hanged, for hog is not bacon until it be +well hung." This retort was not quite so coarse as that attributed to +the Scottish judge, Lord Kames, two centuries later, who on sentencing +to death a man with whom he had often played chess and very frequently +been beaten, added after the solemn words of doom, "And noo, Matthew, +ye'll admit that's checkmate for you." + +To Lord Chancellor Hatton, also an Elizabethan judge who aimed at +sprightliness on the Bench, a clever _mot_ is attributed. The case +before him was one concerning the limits of certain land. The counsel +having remarked with emphasis, 'We lie on this side, my lord,' and the +opposing counsel with equal vehemence having interposed, 'And we lie on +this side, my lord'--the Lord Chancellor dryly observed, "If you lie on +both sides, whom am I to believe?" It would seem that punning was as +great a power in the Law Courts of that time as it is at the present +day. When Egerton as Master of the Rolls was asked to commit a +cause--refer it to a Master in Chancery--he would reply, "What has the +cause done that it should be committed?" + +Many witticisms of Westminster Hall, attributed to barristers of the +Georgian and Victorian periods, are traceable to a much earlier date. +There is the story of Serjeant Wilkins, whose excuse for drinking a pot +of stout at mid-day was, that he wanted to fuddle his brain down to the +intellectual standard of a British jury. Two hundred and fifty years +earlier, Sir John Millicent, a Cambridgeshire judge, on being asked how +he got on with his brother judges replied, "Why, i' faithe, I have no +way but to drink myself down to the capacity of the Bench." And this +merry thought has also been attributed to one eminent barrister who +became Lord Chancellor, and to more than one Scottish advocate who +ultimately attained to a seat on the Bench. + +And to various celebrities of the later Georgian period has been +attributed Lord Shaftesbury's reply to Charles II. When the king +exclaimed, "Shaftesbury, you are the most profligate man in my +dominions," the Chancellor answered somewhat recklessly, "Of a subject, +sir, I believe I am." + +Bullying witnesses is an old practice of the Bar, but for instances of +it emanating from the Bench one has to go very far back. A witness with +a long beard was giving evidence that was displeasing to Jeffreys, when +judge, who said: "If your conscience is as large as your beard, you'll +swear anything." The old man retorted: "My lord, if your lordship +measures consciences by beards, your lordship has none at all." + +A somewhat similar story of Jeffreys' bullying manner, when at the Bar, +is that of his cross-examining a witness in a leathern doublet, who had +made out a complete case against his client. Jeffreys shouted: "You +fellow in the leathern doublet, pray what have you for swearing?" The +man looked steadily at him, and "Truly, sir," said he, "if you have no +more for lying than I have for swearing, you might wear a leathern +doublet as well as I." + +Instances of disrespect to the Bench are rarely met with in early as +happily in later days. There is, perhaps, the most flagrant example of +young Wedderburn in the Scottish Court of Session, when with dramatic +effect he threw off his gown and declared he would never enter the Court +again; but he rose to be Lord Chancellor of England. Scarcely less +disrespectful (but not said openly to the Bench) was young Edward Hyde +when hinting that the death of judges was of small moment compared with +his chances of preferment. "Our best news," he wrote to a friend, "is +that we have good wine abundantly come over; our worst that the plague +is in town, _and no judges die_." + +[Illustration: ALEXANDER WEDDERBURN, EARL OF ROSSLYN, LORD CHANCELLOR.] + +In squabbles between the Bench and the Bar there are few stories that +match for personality the retort of a counsel to Lord Fortescue. His +lordship was disfigured by a purple nose of abnormal growth. +Interrupting counsel one day with the observation: "Brother, brother, +you are handling the case in a very lame manner," the angry counsel +calmly retorted, "Pardon me, my lord; have patience with me and I will +do my best to make the case as plain as--as--the nose on your lordship's +face." Nor did the retort of an Attorney-General to a judge, after a +warm discussion on a point which the latter claimed to decide, show much +respect for the Bench. The judge closed the argument with "I ruled so +and so."--"_You_ ruled," muttered the Attorney-General. "_You_ ruled! +You were never fit to rule anything but a copy-book." + +Verse has been used as a medium of much amusing legal wit and humour, +although law and law cases do not offer very easy subjects for turning +into rhyme. But a good illustration is afforded by Mr. Justice Powis, +who had a habit of repeating the phrase, "Look, do you see," and "I +humbly conceive." At York Assize Court on one occasion he said to Mr. +Yorke, afterwards Lord Hardwicke, "Mr. Yorke, I understand you are going +to publish a poetical version of 'Coke upon Lyttelton.' Will you +favour me with a specimen?"--"Certainly, my lord," replied the +barrister, who thereupon gravely recited: + + "He that holdeth his lands in fee + Need neither shake nor shiver, + I humbly conceive, for, look, do you see, + They are his and his heirs for ever." + +In Sir James Burrows' reports is given a poetical version of Chief +Justice Pratt's decision with regard to a woman of English birth who was +the widow of a foreigner. + + "A woman having a settlement, + Married a man with none, + The question was, he being dead, + If what she had was gone. + + Quoth Sir John Pratt, 'The settlement + Suspended doth remain + Living the husband; but him dead + It doth revive again.'" + + Chorus of Puisne Judges: + + "Living the husband; but him dead + It doth revive again." + +The Chief Justice's decision having been reversed by his successor, +Chief Justice Ryder's decision was reported: + + "A woman having a settlement + Married a man with none; + He flies and leaves her destitute, + What then is to be done? + + Quoth Ryder the Chief Justice, + 'In spite of Sir John Pratt, + You'll send her to the parish + In which she was a brat.' + + _Suspension of a settlement_ + Is not to be maintained. + That which she had by birth subsists + Until another's gained." + + Chorus of Puisne Judges: + + "That which she had by birth subsists + Until another's gained." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EDWARD THURLOW, BARON THURLOW. LORD CHANCELLOR.] + +Many of the well-known witticisms attributed to great judges are so +tinged with personality--even tending to malignity--that no one +possessing respect for human nature can read them without being tempted +to regard them as mere biographical fabrications. But such a +construction cannot be put upon the stories told of Lord Chancellor +Thurlow, whose overbearing insolence to the Bar is well known. To a few +friends like John Scott, Lord Eldon, and Lloyd Kenyon, Lord Kenyon, he +could be consistently indulgent; but to those who provoked him by an +independent and fearless manner he was little short of a persecutor. +Once when Scott was about to follow his leader, who had made an +unusually able speech, the Chancellor addressed him: "Mr. Scott, I am +glad to find you are engaged in the cause, for I now stand some chance +of knowing something about the matter." This same leader of the Bar on +one occasion, in the excitement of professional altercation, made use of +an undignified expression before Lord Thurlow; but before his lordship +could take notice of it the counsel immediately apologised, saying, "My +lord, I beg your lordship's pardon. I really forgot for the moment where +I was." A silent recognition of the apology would have made the counsel +feel his position more keenly, but the Chancellor could not let such an +opportunity pass and immediately flashed out: "You thought you were in +your own Court, I presume," alluding to a Welsh judgeship held by the +offending counsel. + +As a contrast to Lord Thurlow's treatment of Scott's leader, the +following story--given in Scott's own words--shows how the great +Chancellor could unbend himself in the company of men who were in his +favour. "After dinner, one day when nobody was present but Lord Kenyon +and myself, Lord Thurlow said, 'Taffy, I decided a cause this morning, +and I saw from Scott's face that he doubted whether I was right.' +Thurlow then stated his view of the case, and Kenyon instantly said, +'Your decision was quite right.' 'What say you to that?' asked the +Chancellor. I said, 'I did not presume to form a case on which they were +both agreed. But I think a fact has not been mentioned, which may be +material.' I was about to state the fact, and my reasons. Kenyon, +however, broke in upon me, and with some warmth stated that I was always +so obstinate there was no dealing with me. 'Nay,' interposed Thurlow, +'that's not fair. You, Taffy, are obstinate, and give no reasons. You, +Jack, are obstinate too; but then you give your reasons, and d--d bad +ones they are!'" + +Another anecdote again illustrates the Chancellor's treatment of even +those who were on a friendly footing with him. Sir Thomas Davenport, a +great Nisi Prius leader, had long flattered himself with the hope of +succeeding to some valuable appointment in the law; but several good +things passing by, he lost his patience and temper along with them. At +last he addressed this laconic application to his patron: "The Chief +Justiceship of Chester is vacant; am I to have it?" and received the +following laconic answer: "No! by G--d! Kenyon shall have it." + +Scarcely less courteous was this Lord Chancellor's treatment of a +solicitor who endeavoured to prove to him a certain person's death. To +all his statements the Chancellor replied, "Sir, that is no proof," till +at last the solicitor losing patience exclaimed: "Really, my lord, it is +very hard and it is not right that you should not believe me. I knew the +man well: I saw the man dead in his coffin. My lord, the man was my +client." "Good G--d, sir! why didn't you tell me that sooner? I should +not have doubted the fact one moment; for I think nothing can be so +likely to kill a man as to have you for his attorney." + +As Keeper of the Great Seal Thurlow had the alternate presentation to a +living with the Bishop of ----. The Bishop's secretary called upon the +Lord Chancellor and said, "My Lord Bishop of ---- sends his compliments +to your lordship, and believes that the next turn to present to ---- +belongs to his lordship."--"Give his lordship my compliments," replied +the Chancellor, "and tell him that I will see him d--d first before he +shall present."--"This, my lord," retorted the secretary, "is a very +unpleasant message to deliver to a bishop." To which the Chancellor +replied, "You are right, it is so; therefore tell the Bishop that _I +will be_ d--d first before he shall present." + +Lord Campbell in his life of Thurlow says that in his youth the +Chancellor was credited with wild excesses. There was a story, believed +at the time, of some early amour with the daughter of a Dean of +Canterbury, to which the Duchess of Kingston alluded when on her trial +at the House of Lords. Looking Thurlow, then Attorney-General, full in +the face she said, "That learned gentleman dwelt much on my faults, but +I too, if I chose, could tell a Canterbury tale." + +But with all his bitterness and sarcasm Lord Thurlow had a genuine +sense of humour, as the following story of his Cambridge days +illustrates--days when he was credited with more disorderly pranks and +impudent escapades than attention to study. "Sir," observed a tutor, "I +never come to the window but I see you idling in the Court."--"Sir," +replied the future Lord Chancellor, "I never come into the Court but I +see you idling at the window." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WILLIAM MURRAY, EARL OF MANSFIELD, LORD CHIEF JUSTICE.] + +Mansfield was not credited with lively sensibility, but his humanity was +shocked at the thought of killing a man for a trifling theft. Trying a +prisoner at the Old Baily on the charge of stealing in a dwelling-house +to the value of 40_s._--when this was a capital offence--he advised the +jury to find a gold trinket, the subject of the indictment, to be of +less value. The prosecutor exclaimed with indignation, "Under 40_s._, my +lord! Why, the _fashion_ alone cost me more than double the sum."--"God +forbid, gentlemen, we should hang a man for fashion's sake," observed +Lord Mansfield to the jury. + +An indictment was tried before him at the Assizes, preferred by parish +officers for keeping an hospital for lying-in women, whereby the parish +was burdened by illegitimate children. He expressed doubts whether this +was an indictable offence, and after hearing arguments in support of it +he thus gave his judgment. "We sit here under a Commission requiring us +to _deliver_ this gaol, and the statute has been cited to make it +unlawful to _deliver_ a woman who is with child. Let the indictment be +quashed." + +Having met at supper the famous Dr. Brocklesby, he entered into familiar +conversation with him, and there was an interchange of stories just a +little trenching on the decorous. It so happened that the doctor had to +appear next morning before Lord Mansfield in the witness-box; and on the +strength of the previous evening's doings the witness, on taking up his +position, nodded to the Chief Justice with offensive familiarity as to a +boon companion. His lordship taking no notice of his salutation, but +writing down his evidence, when he came to summing it up to the jury +thus proceeded: "The next witness is one Rocklesby or Brocklesby, +Brocklesby or Rocklesby--I am not sure which--and first he swears he is +a physician." + +Lord Chief Baron Parker, in his eighty-seventh year, having observed to +Lord Mansfield who was seventy-eight: "Your lordship and myself are now +at sevens and eights," the younger Chief Justice replied: "Would you +have us to be all our lives at sixes and sevens? But let us talk of +young ladies and not old age." + +Trying an action which arose from the collision of two ships at sea, a +sailor who gave an account of the accident said, "At the time I was +standing abaft the binnacle."--"Where is abaft the binnacle?" asked +Lord Mansfield; upon which the witness, who had taken a large share of +grog before coming into Court, exclaimed loud enough to be heard by all +present: "A pretty fellow to be a judge, who don't know where abaft the +binnacle is!" Lord Mansfield, instead of threatening to commit him for +contempt, said: "Well, my friend, fit me for my office by telling me +where _abaft the binnacle is_; you have already shown me the meaning of +_half-seas over_." + +On one occasion Lord Mansfield covered his retreat from an untenable +position with a sparkling pleasantry. An old witness named ELM having +given his evidence with remarkable clearness, although he was more than +eighty years of age, Lord Mansfield examined him as to his habitual mode +of living, and found he had been through life an early riser and a +singularly temperate man. "Ay," remarked the Chief Justice, in a tone of +approval, "I have always found that without temperance and early habits +longevity is never attained." The next witness, the elder brother of +this model of temperance, was then called, and he almost surpassed his +brother as an intelligent and clear-headed utterer of evidence. "I +suppose," observed Lord Mansfield, "that you are an early riser?"--"No, +my lord," answered the veteran stoutly; "I like my bed at all hours, and +special-_lie_ I like it of a morning."--"Ah, but like your brother, you +are a very temperate man?" quickly asked the judge, looking out +anxiously for the safety of the more important part of his theory. "My +lord," responded this ancient Elm, disdaining to plead guilty to a +charge of habitual sobriety, "I am a very old man, and my memory is as +clear as a bell, but I can't remember the night when I've gone to bed +without being more or less drunk."--"Ah, my lord," Mr. Dunning +exclaimed, "this old man's case supports a theory unheld by many +persons--that habitual intemperance is favourable to longevity."--"No, +no," replied the Chief Justice with a smile; "this old man and his +brother merely teach us what every carpenter knows--that Elm, whether it +be wet or dry, is a very tough wood." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: JOHN SCOTT, EARL OF ELDON, LORD CHANCELLOR.] + +Lord Eldon's good humour gained him the affection of all counsel who +practised before him, but there is one story--apocryphal it may be, +coming from Lord Campbell--of a prejudice he had against Lord Brougham, +who, in Scottish cases, frequently appeared before him in the House of +Lords. Lord Eldon persisted in addressing the advocate as Mr. Bruffam. +This was too much for Brougham, who was rather proud of the form and +antiquity of his name, and who at last, in exasperation, sent a note to +the Chancellor, intimating that his name was pronounced "Broom." At the +conclusion of the argument the Chancellor stated, "Every authority upon +the question has been brought before us: new Brooms sweep clean." + +As Lord Chancellor, Lord Eldon's great foible was an apparent inability +to arrive at an early decision on any question: it was really a desire +to weigh carefully all sides of a question before expressing his +opinion. This hesitancy was expressed in the formula "I doubt," which +became the subject of frequent jests among the members of the Bar. + +Sir George Rose, in absence of the regular reporter of Lord Eldon's +decisions, was requested to take a note of any decision which should be +given. As a full record of all that was material, which had occurred +during the day, Sir George made the following entry in the reporter's +notebook: + + "Mr. Leach made a speech, + Angry, neat, but wrong; + Mr. Hart, on the other part, + Was heavy, dull, and long; + Mr. Parker made the case darker, + Which was dark enough without; + Mr. Cooke cited his book; + And the Chancellor said--I doubt." + +This _jeu d'esprit_, flying about Westminster Hall, reached the +Chancellor, who was very much amused with it, notwithstanding the +allusion to his doubting propensity. Soon after, Sir George Rose having +to argue before him a very untenable proposition, he gave his opinion +very gravely, and with infinite grace and felicity thus concluded: "For +these reasons the judgment must be against your clients; and here, Sir +George, the Chancellor does not _doubt_." + +The following was Lord Eldon's answer to an application for a piece of +preferment from his old friend Dr. Fisher, of the Charter House: + +"DEAR FISHER,--I cannot, to-day, give you the preferment for which you +ask.--I remain, your sincere friend, ELDON." Then, on the other side, "I +gave it to you yesterday." + +According to his biographer, Lord Eldon caused a loud laugh while the +old Duke of Norfolk was fast asleep in the House of Lords, and amusing +their lordships with "that tuneful nightingale, his nose," by announcing +from the woolsack, with solemn emphasis, that the Commons had sent up a +bill for "enclosing and dividing Great Snoring in the county of +Norfolk!" + +Like Lord Thurlow, Lord Eldon was in close intimacy with George III in +the days when his Majesty's mind was supposed to be not very strong. "I +took down to Kew," relates his lordship, "some Bills for his assent, and +I placed on a paper the titles and the effect of them. The king, being +perhaps suspicious that my coming down might be to judge of his +competence for public business, as I was reading over the titles of the +different Acts of Parliament he interrupted me and said: 'You are not +acting correctly, you should do one of two things; either bring me down +the Acts for my perusal, or say, as Thurlow once said to me on a like +occasion, having read several he stopped and said, "It is all d--d +nonsense trying to make you understand them, and you had better consent +to them at once."'" + + * * * * * + +It is not often, but it sometimes happens that a judge finds himself in +conflict with members of the public who are under no restraint of +professional privilege or etiquette. Some maintain the dignity of the +Court by fining and committing for contempt. Occasionally this may be +necessary, but it has been found that delicate ridicule is often more +effective. An attorney, pleading his cause before Lord Ellenborough, +became exasperated because the untenable points he continually raised +were invariably overruled, and exclaimed, "My lord, my lord, although +your lordship is so great a man now, I remember the time when I could +have got your opinion for five shillings." With an amused smile his +lordship quietly observed, "Sir, I say it was not worth the money." + +The same judge used to be greatly annoyed during the season of colds +with the noise of coughing in Court. On one occasion, when disturbances +of this kind recurred with more than usual frequency, he was seen +fidgeting about in his seat, and availing himself of a slight +cessation observed in his usual emphatic manner: "Some slight +interruption one _might_ tolerate, but there seems to be an _industry_ +of coughing." + +As an illustration of figurative oratory a good story is told of a +barrister pleading before Lord Ellenborough: "My lord, I appear before +you in the character of an advocate for the City of London; my lord, the +City of London herself appears before you as a suppliant for justice. My +lord, it is written in the book of nature."--"What book?" said Lord +Ellenborough. "The book of nature."--"Name the page," said his lordship, +holding his pen uplifted, as if to note the page down. + +Moore relates the story of a noble lord in the course of one of his +speeches saying, "I ask myself so and so," and repeating the words "I +ask myself." "Yes," quietly remarked Lord Ellenborough, "and a d--d +foolish answer you'll get." + + * * * * * + +The comparison of a father and son who have both ascended the Bench has +afforded a good story of a famous Scottish advocate which is told later, +and the following is an equally cutting retort from the Bench to any +assumed superiority through such a connection. A son of Lord Chief +Justice Willes (who rose to the rank of a Puisne Judge) was checked one +day for wandering from the subject. "I wish that you would remember," +he exclaimed, "that I am the son of a Chief Justice." To which Justice +Gould replied with great simplicity, "Oh, we remember your father, but +he was a sensible man." + + * * * * * + +When hanging was the sentence, on conviction, for crimes--in these days +termed offences--which are now punished by imprisonment, some judges +from meting out the sentence of death almost indiscriminately came to be +known as "hanging judges." Justice Page was one of them. When he was +decrepit he perpetrated a joke against himself. Coming out of the Court +one day and shuffling along the street a friend stopped him to inquire +after his health. "My dear sir," the judge replied, "you see I keep just +hanging on--hanging on." + +A Chief Justice of the "hanging" period, whose integrity was not above +suspicion, was sitting in Court one day at his ease and lolling on his +elbow, when a convict from the dock hurled a stone at him which +fortunately passed over his head. "You see," said the learned man as he +smilingly received the congratulations of those present--"you see now, +if I had been an _upright judge_ I had been slain." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LLOYD KENYON, BARON KENYON, LORD CHIEF JUSTICE.] + +Some of the stories respecting Lord Kenyon's historical allusions and +quotations are surely greatly exaggerated, or are pure inventions. In +addressing a jury in a blasphemy case, he is reported to have said that +the Emperor Julian "was so celebrated for the practice of every +Christian virtue that he was called 'Julian the Apostle'"; and to have +concluded an elaborate address in dismissing a grand jury with the +following valediction: "Having thus discharged your consciences, +gentlemen, you may return to your homes in peace, with the delightful +consciousness of having performed your duties well, and may lay your +heads on your pillows, saying to yourselves 'Aut Caesar, aut nullus.'" +And this was his remark on detecting the trick of an attorney to delay a +trial: "This is the last hair in the tail of procrastination, and it +must be plucked out." + +Among other failings attributed to this Lord Chief Justice was the +extreme penuriousness he practised in his domestic arrangements and his +dress. His shoes were patched to such an extent that little of their +original material could be seen, and once when trying a case he was +sitting on the bench in a way to expose them to all in Court. It was an +action for breach of contract to deliver shoes soundly made, and to +clinch a witness for the pursuer he suddenly asked, "Were the shoes +anything like these?" pointing to his own. "No, my lord," replied the +witness, "they were a good deal better and more genteeler." + +As an example of his (Lord Kenyon's) style of addressing a condemned +prisoner we have the following. A butler had been charged and convicted +of stealing his master's wine. + +"Prisoner at the bar, you stand convicted on the most conclusive +evidence of a crime of inexpressible atrocity--a crime that defiles the +sacred springs of domestic confidence, and is calculated to strike alarm +into the breast of every Englishman who invests largely in the choicer +vintages of Southern Europe. Like the serpent of old, you have stung the +hand of your protector. Fortunate in having a generous employer, you +might without discovery have continued to supply your wretched wife and +children with the comforts of sufficient prosperity, and even with some +of the luxuries of affluence; but, dead to every claim of natural +affection, and blind to your own real interest, you burst through all +the restraints of religion and morality, and have for many years been +_feathering_ your nest with your master's _bottles_." + +Lord Kenyon was warmly attached to George III, who had a high opinion of +him; but like many of his lordship's contemporaries, his Majesty +strongly deprecated the frequent outbursts of temper on the part of his +Chief Justice. "At a levee, soon after an extraordinary explosion of +ill-humour in the Court of King's Bench, his Majesty said to him: 'My +Lord Chief Justice, I hear that you have lost your temper, and from my +great regard for you, I am very glad to hear it, for I hope you will +find a better one.'" + + * * * * * + +Of Lord Chief Justice Tenterden, Lord Campbell asserts that he once, and +only once, uttered a pun. A learned gentleman, who had lectured on the +law and was too much addicted to oratory came to argue a special +demurrer before him. "My client's opponent," said the figurative +advocate, "worked like a mole under ground, _clam et secrete_." His +figures only elicited a grunt from the Chief Justice. "It is asserted in +Aristotle's _Rhetoric_--."--"I don't want to hear what is asserted in +Aristotle's _Rhetoric_," interposed Lord Tenterden. The advocate shifted +his ground and took up, as he thought, a safe position. "It is laid down +in the _Pandects_ of Justinian--." "Where are you got now?" "It is a +principle of the civil law--." "Oh sir," exclaimed the judge, with a +tone and voice which abundantly justified his assertion, "we have +nothing to do with the _civil_ law in this Court." + + * * * * * + +Judges sometimes stray into humour without intending it. At an election +petition trial one allegation was, that a number of rosettes, or "marks +of distinction," had been kept in a table drawer in the central +committee-room. To meet this charge it was thought desirable to call +witnesses to swear that the only table in the room consisted of planks +laid on trestles. "So that the table had no proper legs," said counsel +cheerfully. "Never mind whether it had proper legs," said one of the +learned judges. "The more important question is: Had it drawers?" + +And in _The Story of Crime_ the author recalls an instance of a judge +unconsciously furnishing material for laughter in Court. "At the +beginning of the session at the Old Baily a good deal of work is got +through by the judge who takes the small cases, and it may be this fact +that accounted for the confusion of thought which he describes. One of +the prisoners was charged with stealing a camera, and after all the +evidence had been taken his lordship proceeded to sum up to the jury. He +began by correctly describing the stolen article as a camera, but had +not gone very far before the camera had become a concertina, and by the +time he had finished the concertina had become an accordion. And he +never once saw his mistake. The usher noticed it at the first trip, and +kept repeating in a kind of hoarse stage-whisper, 'Camera! Camera!' but +his voice did not reach the Bench, and so the complicated article +remained on record." + +Mr. Andrews in his book, _The Lawyer in History, Literature, and +Humour_, relates that a leader of the Bar on rising to address the +drowsy jury after a ponderous oration by Sir Samuel Prime, said: +"Gentlemen, after the long speech of the learned serjeant--" "Sir, I +beg your pardon," interrupted Mr. Justice Nares, "you might say--you +might say--after the long soliloquy, for my brother Prime has been +talking an hour to himself." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THOMAS ERSKINE, BARON ERSKINE, LORD CHANCELLOR.] + +Thomas, Lord Erskine was the youngest of three brothers, who were all +distinguished men. The eldest was the well-known Earl of Buchan, one of +the founders of the Society of Antiquaries of Scotland, whose +eccentricities formed the subject of much gossip in the Scottish +capital. To an English nobleman he declared: "My brothers Harry and Tom +are certainly remarkable men, but they owe everything to me." Seeing a +look of surprise upon his friend's face he added: "Yes, it is true; they +owe everything to me. On my father's death they pressed me for an annual +allowance. I knew this would have been their ruin, by relaxing their +industry. So making a sacrifice of my inclinations to gratify them I +refused to give them a farthing, and they have thriven ever +since--_owing everything to me_." + +Henry, the second brother, was universally beloved and respected, and one +of the most popular advocates at the Scottish Bar. He was twice +Lord-Advocate for Scotland--on the second occasion under the Ministry of +"All the Talents," when his younger brother was Lord Chancellor. He was +famous in the Parliament House and outside of it for his witticisms, a +selection of which will be given later. + +Thomas, who became Lord Chancellor, obtained an unique influence while +practising at the Bar, and, like his older brother, he was a universal +favourite. "Juries have declared," said Lord Brougham, "that they have +felt it impossible to remove their looks from him when he had riveted, +and as it were fascinated, them by his first glance. Then hear his +voice, of surpassing sweetness, clear, flexible, strong, exquisitely +fitted to strains of serious earnestness." Yet although he did not rely +on wit, or humour, or sarcasm in addressing a jury, he could use them to +effect in cross-examination. "You were born and bred in Manchester, I +perceive," he said to a witness. "Yes."--"I knew it," said Erskine +carelessly, "from the absurd tie of your neckcloth." The witness' +presence of mind was gone, and he was made to unsay the greatest part of +his evidence in chief. Another witness confounding 'thick' whalebone +with 'long' whalebone, and unable to distinguish the difference after +counsel's explanation, Erskine exclaimed, "Why, man, you do not seem to +know the difference between what is _thick_ or what is _long_! Now I +tell you the difference. You are _thick_-headed, and you are not +_long_-headed." + +Lord Erskine's addiction to punning is well known, and many examples +might be cited. An action was brought against a stable-keeper for not +taking proper care of a horse. "The horse," said counsel for the +plaintiff, "was turned into the stable, with nothing to eat but musty +hay. To such the horse 'demurred.'"--"He should have 'gone to the +country,'" at once retorted Lord Erskine. For the general reader it +should be explained that "demurring" and "going to the country" are +technical terms for requiring a cause to be decided on a question of law +by the judge, or on a question of fact by the jury. Here is another. A +low-class attorney who was much employed in bail-business and moving +attachments against the sheriff for not "bringing in the body"--that is, +not arresting and imprisoning a debtor, when such was the law--sold his +house in Lincoln's Inn Fields to the Corporation, of Surgeons to be used +as their Hall. "I suppose it was recommended to them," said Erskine, +"from the attorney being so well acquainted 'with the practice of +bringing in the body!'" + +Perhaps one of his smartest puns he relates himself. "A case being laid +before me by my veteran friend, the Duke of Queensberry--better known as +'old Q'--as to whether he could sue a tradesman for breach of contract +about the painting of his house; and the evidence being totally +insufficient to support the case, I wrote thus: 'I am of opinion that +this action will not lie unless the witnesses do.'" + +He was also fond of a practical joke. In answer to a circular letter +from Sir John Sinclair, proposing that a testimonial should be presented +to himself for his eminent public services, Lord Erskine replied: + + "MY DEAR SIR JOHN,--I am certain there are few in this kingdom + who set a higher value on your public services than myself; + and I have the honour to subscribe"--then, on turning over the + leaf, was to be found--"myself, your most obedient faithful + servant, + + "ERSKINE." + +"Gentlemen of the jury," were his closing words after an impassioned +address, "the reputation of a cheesemonger in the City of London is like +the bloom upon a peach. Breathe upon it, and it is gone for ever." + +Among many apocryphal stories told of expedients by which smart counsel +have gained verdicts, this one respecting a case in which Mr. Justice +Gould was the judge and Erskine counsel for the defendant is least +likely of credit. The judge entertained a most unfavourable opinion of +the defendant's case, but being very old was scarcely audible, and +certainly unintelligible, to the jury. While he was summing up the case, +Erskine, sitting on the King's Counsel Bench, and full in the view of +the jury, nodded assent to the various remarks which fell from the +judge; and the jury, imagining that they had been directed to find for +the defendant, immediately did so. + +When at the Bar, Erskine was always encouraged by the appreciation of +his brother barristers. On one occasion, when making an unusual exertion +on behalf of a client, he turned to Mr. Garrow, who was his colleague, +and not perceiving any sign of approbation on his countenance, he +whispered to him, "Who do you think can get on with that d--d wet +blanket face of yours before him." + +Nor did he always exhibit graciousness to older members. One nervous old +barrister named Lamb, who usually prefaced his pleadings with an +apology, said to Erskine one day that he felt more timid as he grew +older. "No wonder," replied Erskine, "the older the lamb the more +sheepish he grows." + +When he was Lord Chancellor he was invited to attend the ministerial +fish dinner at Greenwich--known in later years as the Whitebait +Dinner--he replied: "To be sure I will attend. What would your fish +dinner be without the Great Seal?" + + * * * * * + +When a stupid jury returns an obviously wrong verdict the judge must +feel himself in an awkward position; but in such cases--if they ever +occur now--a good precedent has been set by Mr. Justice Maule who, when +in that predicament, addressed the prisoner in these terms: + +"Prisoner, your counsel thinks you innocent, the prosecution thinks you +innocent, and I think you innocent. But a jury of your own +fellow-countrymen, in the exercise of such common sense as they possess, +have found you guilty, and it remains that I should pass sentence upon +you. You will be imprisoned for one day, and as that day was yesterday, +you are free to go about your business." + +"May God strike me dead! my lord, if I did it," excitedly exclaimed a +prisoner who had been tried before the same justice for a serious +offence, and a verdict of "guilty" returned by the jury. The judge +looked grave, and paused an unusually long time before saying a word. At +last, amid breathless silence, he began: "As Providence has not seen fit +to interpose in your case, it now becomes my duty to pronounce upon you +the sentence of the law," &c. When somewhat excited over a very bad case +tried before him he would delay sentence until he felt calmer, lest his +impulse or his temper should lead him astray. On one such occasion he +exclaimed, "I can't pass sentence now. I might be too severe. I feel as +if I could give the man five-and-twenty years' penal servitude. Bring +him up to-morrow when I feel calmer."--"Thank you, my lord," said the +prisoner, "I know you will think better of it in the morning." Next +day the man appeared in the dock for sentence. "Prisoner," said the +judge, "I was angry yesterday, but I am calm to-day. I have spent a +night thinking of your awful deeds, and I find on inquiry I can sentence +you to penal servitude for life. I therefore pass upon you that +sentence. I have thought better of what I was inclined to do yesterday." + +There are instances of brief summing up of a case by judges, but few in +the terms expressed by this worthy judge. "If you believe the witnesses +for the plaintiff, you will find for the defendant; if you believe the +witnesses for the defendant, you will find for the plaintiff. If, like +myself, you don't believe any of them, Heaven knows which way you will +find. Consider your verdict." + +To Mr. Justice Maule a witness said: "You may believe me or not, but I +have stated not a word that is false, for I have been wedded to truth +from my infancy."--"Yes, sir," said the judge dryly; "but the question +is, _how long have you been a widower?_" + +In the good old days a learned counsel of ferocious mien and loud voice, +practising before him, received a fine rebuke from the justice. No reply +could be got from an elderly lady in the box, and the counsel appealed +to the judge. "I really cannot answer," said the trembling lady. "Why +not, ma'am?" asked the judge. "Because, my lord, he frightens me +so."--"So he does me, ma'am," replied the judge. + +He was as a rule patient and forbearing, and seldom interfered with +counsel in their mode of laying cases before a jury or the Bench, but +once he was fairly provoked to do so, by the confused blundering way in +which one of them was trying to instil a notion of what he meant into +the minds of the jury. "I am sorry to interfere, Mr. ----," said the +judge, "but do you not think that, by introducing a little order into +your narrative, you might possibly render yourself a trifle more +intelligible? It may be my fault that I cannot follow you--I know that +my brain is getting old and dilapidated; but I should like to stipulate +for some sort of order. There are plenty of them. There is the +chronological, the botanical, the metaphysical, the geographical--even +the alphabetical order would be better than no order at all." + + * * * * * + +Baron Thomson, of the Court of Exchequer, was asked how he got on in his +Court with the business, when he sat between Chief Baron Macdonald and +Baron Graham. He replied, "What between snuff-box on one side, and +chatterbox on the other, we get on pretty well!" + +Sir Richard Bethel, Lord Westbury, and Lord Campbell were on very +friendly terms. An amusing story is told of a meeting of the two in +Westminster Hall, when the first rumour of Lord Campbell's appointment +as Lord Chancellor was current. The day being cold for the time of the +year, Lord Campbell had gone down to the House of Lords in a fur coat, +and Bethel, observing this, pretended not to recognise him. Thereupon +Campbell came up to him and said: "Mr. Attorney, don't you know me?"--"I +beg your pardon, my lord," was the reply. "I mistook you for the _Great +Seal_." + +[Illustration: RICHARD BETHEL, BARON WESTBURY, LORD CHANCELLOR.] + +Lord Cranworth, Vice-Chancellor, after hearing Sir Richard Bethel's +argument in an appeal, said he "would turn the matter over in his mind." +Sir Richard turning to his junior with his usual bland calm utterance +said: "Take a note of that; his honour says he will turn it over in what +he is pleased to call his mind." + +Sir James Scarlett, Lord Abinger, had to examine a witness whose +evidence would be somewhat dangerous unless he was thrown off his guard +and "rattled." The witness in question--an influential man, whose +vulnerable point was said to be his self-esteem--was ushered into the +box, a portly overdressed person, beaming with self-assurance. Looking +him over for a few minutes without saying a word Sir James opened fire: +"Mr. Tompkins, I believe?"--"Yes."--"You are a stockbroker, I believe, +are you not?"--"I ham." Pausing for a few seconds and making an +attentive survey of him, Sir James remarked sententiously, "And a very +fine and well-dressed ham you are, sir." + +In a breach of promise case Scarlett appeared for the defendant, who was +supposed to have been cajoled into the engagement by the plaintiff's +mother, a titled lady. The mother, as a witness, completely baffled the +defendant's clever counsel when under his cross-examination; but by one +of his happiest strokes of advocacy, Scarlett turned his failure into +success. "You saw, gentlemen of the jury, that I was but a child in her +hands. _What must my client have been?_" + +Sir James was a noted cross-examiner and verdict-getter, but on one +occasion he was beaten. Tom Cooke, a well-known actor and musician in +his day, was a witness in a case in which Sir James had him under +cross-examination. + +Scarlett: "Sir, you say that the two melodies are the same, but +different; now what do you mean by that, sir?" + +Cooke: "I said that the notes in the two copies are alike, but with a +different accent." + +Scarlett: "What is a musical accent?" + +Cooke: "My terms are nine guineas a quarter, sir." + +Scarlett (ruffled): "Never mind your terms here. I ask you what is a +musical accent? Can you see it?" + +Cooke: "No." + +Scarlett: "Can you feel it?" + +Cooke: "A musician can." + +Scarlett (angrily): "Now, sir, don't beat about the bush, but explain to +his lordship and the jury, who are expected to know nothing about music, +the meaning of what you call accent." + +Cooke: "Accent in music is a certain stress laid upon a particular note, +in the same manner as you would lay stress upon a given word, for the +purpose of being better understood. For instance, if I were to say, 'You +are an _ass_,' it rests on ass, but if I were to say, '_You_ are an +ass,' it rests on you, Sir James." The judge, with as much gravity as he +could assume, then asked the crestfallen counsel, "Are you satisfied, +Sir James."--"The witness may go down," was the counsel's reply. + + * * * * * + +Lord Justice Holt, when a young man, was very dissipated, and belonged +to a club, most of whose members took an infamous course of life. When +his lordship was engaged at the Old Baily a man was convicted of highway +robbery, whom the judge remembered to have been one of his early +companions. Moved by curiosity, Holt, thinking the man did not recognise +him, asked what had become of his old associates. The culprit making a +low bow, and giving a deep sigh, replied, "Oh, my lord, they are all +hanged but your lordship and I." + +We have already given examples of personalities in the retorts of +counsel upon members of the Bench, and if the same derogatory reflection +can be traced in the two following anecdotes of judges' retorts on +counsel, it is at least veiled in finer sarcasm. A nervous young +barrister was conducting a first case before Vice-Chancellor Bacon, and +on rising to make his opening remarks began in a faint voice: "My lord, +I must apologise--er--I must apologise, my lord"--"Go on, sir," said his +lordship blandly; "so far the Court is with you." The other comes from +an Australian Court. Counsel was addressing Chief Justice Holroyd when a +portion of the plaster of the Court ceiling fell, and he stopping his +speech for the moment, incautiously advanced the suggestion, "Dry rot +has probably been the cause of that, my lord."--"I am quite of your +opinion, Mr. ----," observed his lordship. + +On the other hand, judges can be severely personal at times, and Lord +Justice Chitty was almost brutal in a case where counsel had been +arguing to distraction on a bill of sale. "I will now proceed to address +myself to the furniture--an item covered by the bill," counsel +continued. "You have been doing nothing else for the last hour," +lamented the weary judge. + +And Mr. Justice Wills once made a rather cutting remark to a barrister. +The barrister was, in the judge's private opinion, simply wasting the +time of the Court, and, in the course of a long-winded speech, he dwelt +at quite unnecessary length on the appearance of certain bags connected +with the case. "They might," he went on pompously, "they might have been +full bags, or they might have been half-filled bags, or they might even +have been empty bags, or--."--"Or perhaps," dryly interpolated the +judge, "they might have been wind-bags!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HENRY BROUGHAM, BARON BROUGHAM AND VAUX, LORD +CHANCELLOR.] + +When Lord Brougham attained the position of Lord Chancellor he was +greatly addicted to the habit of writing during the course of counsel's +argument of the case being heard before him. On one occasion this +practice so annoyed Sir Edward Sugden, whenever he noticed it, that he +paused in the course of his argument, expecting his lordship to stop +writing; but the Chancellor, without even looking up, remarked, "Go on, +Sir Edward; I am listening to you."--"I observe that your lordship is +engaged in writing, and not favouring me with your attention," replied +Sir Edward. "I am signing papers of mere form," warmly retorted the +Chancellor. "You may as well say that I am not to blow my nose or take +snuff while you speak." + +When counsel at the Bar, a witness named John Labron was thus +cross-examined by Brougham at York Assizes: + +"What are you?" + +"I am a farmer, and malt a little." + +"Do you know Dick Strother?" + +"No." + +"Upon your oath, sir, are you not generally known by the name of Dick +Strother?" + +"That has nothing to do with this business." + +"I insist upon hearing an answer. Have you not obtained that name?" + +"I am sometimes called so." + +"Now, Dick, as you admit you are so called, do you know the story of the +hare and the ball of wax?" + +"I have heard it." + +"Then pray have the goodness to relate it to the judge and the jury." + +"I do not exactly remember it." + +"Then I will refresh your memory by relating it myself. Dick Strother +was a cobbler, and being in want of a hare for a friend, he put in his +pocket a ball of wax and took a walk into the fields, where he soon +espied one. Dick then very dexterously threw the ball of wax at her +head, where it stuck, which so alarmed poor puss that in the violence of +her haste she ran in contact with the head of another; both stuck fast +together, and Dick, lucky Dick! caught both. Dick obtained great +celebrity by telling this wondrous feat, which he always affirmed as a +truth, and from that every notorious liar in Thorner bears the title +of Dick Strother. Now, Dick--I mean John--is not that the reason why you +are called Dick Strother?" + +"It may be so." + +"Then you may go." + +The same turbulent spirit (Lord Brougham) fell foul of many other law +lords. It is well known that in a speech made at the Temple he accused +Lord Campbell, who had just published his _Lives of the Chancellors_, of +adding a new terror to death. Lord Campbell tells an amusing story which +shows that he could retort with effect upon his noble and learned +friend. He says that he called one morning upon Brougham at his house in +Grafton Street, who "soon rushed in very eagerly, but suddenly stopped +short, exclaiming, 'Lord bless me, is it you? They told me it was +Stanley'; and notwithstanding his accustomed frank and courteous manner, +I had some difficulty in fixing his attention. In the evening I stepped +across the House to the Opposition Bench, where Brougham and Stanley +were sitting next each other, and, addressing the latter in the hearing +of the former, I said, 'Has our noble and learned friend told you the +disappointment he suffered this morning? He thought he had a visit from +the Leader of the Protectionists to offer him the Great Seal, and it +turned out to be only Campbell come to bore him about a point of Scotch +law.' _Brougham_: 'Don't mind what Jack Campbell says; he has a +prescriptive privilege to tell lies of all Chancellors, dead and +living.'" + +According to the same authority, Brougham was at one time very anxious +to be made an earl, but his desire was entirely quenched when Lord John +Russell gave an earldom to Lord Chancellor Cottenham. He is said to have +been so indignant that he either wrote or dictated a pamphlet in which +the new creation was ridiculed, and to which was appended the +significant motto, "The offence is rank." + +The common feeling with regard to Sir James Scarlett's (Lord Abinger) +success in gaining verdicts led to the composition of the following +pleasantry, attributed to Lord Campbell. "Whereas Scarlett had contrived +a machine, by using which, while he argued, he could make the judges' +heads nod with pleasure, Brougham in course of time got hold of it; but +not knowing how to manage it when he argued, the judges, instead of +nodding, shook their heads." + +And it is Lord Campbell who has preserved the following specimen of a +judge's concluding remarks to a prisoner convicted of uttering a forged +one-pound note. After having pointed out to him the enormity of the +offence, and exhorted him to prepare for another world, added: "And I +trust that through the merits and the mediation of our Blessed Redeemer, +you may there experience that mercy which a due regard to the _credit +of the paper currency_ of the country forbids you to hope for here." + +Campbell married Miss Scarlett, a daughter of Lord Abinger, and was +absent from Court when a case in which he was to appear was called +before Mr. Justice Abbot. "I thought, Mr. Brougham," said his lordship, +"that Mr. Campbell was in this case?"--"Yes, my lord," replied Mr. +Brougham, with that sarcastic look peculiarly his own. "He was, my lord, +but I understand he is ill."--"I am sorry to hear that, Mr. Brougham," +said the judge. "My lord," replied Mr. Brougham, "it is whispered here +that the cause of my learned friend's absence is scarlet fever." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: JOHN CAMPBELL, BARON CAMPBELL, LORD CHANCELLOR.] + +In his native town of Cupar, Fife, Lord Chancellor Campbell's abilities +and position were not so much appreciated as they were elsewhere. This +was a sore point with his father, who was parish minister, and when the +son was not selected by the town authorities to conduct their legal +business in London the future Lord Chancellor also felt affronted. On +the publication of the _Lives of the Chancellors_ some of his townsmen +wrote asking him to present a copy to the local library of his native +town, which gave Campbell an opportunity to square accounts with them +for their past neglect of him, for he curtly replied to their request +that "they could purchase the book from any bookseller." An old lady of +the town relating some gossip about the Campbell family said, "They +meant John for the Church, but he went to London _and got on very +well_." Such was the good lady's idea of the relative positions of +minister of a Scottish parish and Lord Chancellor of England. + +The difference in the pronunciation of a word led to an amiable contest +between Lord Campbell and a learned Q.C. In an action to recover damages +to a carriage the counsel called the vehicle a "brougham," pronouncing +both syllables of the word. Lord Campbell pompously observed, "Broom is +the usual pronunciation--a carriage of the kind you mean is not +incorrectly called a 'Broom'--that pronunciation is open to no grave +objection, and it has the advantage of saving the time consumed by +uttering an extra syllable." Later in the trial Lord Campbell alluding +to a similar case referred to the carriage which had been injured as an +"Omnibus."--"Pardon me, my lord," interposed the Q.C., "a carriage of +the kind to which you draw attention is usually termed a 'bus'; that +pronunciation is open to no grave objection, and it has the great +advantage of saving the time consumed by uttering _two_ extra +syllables." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SIR SAMUEL MARTIN, BARON OF EXCHEQUER.] + +Mr. Martin (afterwards Baron Martin), when at the Bar, was addressing +the Court in an insurance case, when he was interrupted by Baron +Alderson, who said, "Mr. Martin, do you think any office would insure +your life?"--"Certainly, my lord," replied Mr. Martin, "mine is a very +good life."--"You should remember, Mr. Martin, that yours is brief +existence." + +This judge's reason for releasing a juryman from duty was equally smart. +The juryman in question confessed that he was deaf in one ear. "Then +leave the box before the trial begins," observed his lordship; "it is +necessary that the jurymen should hear _both_ sides." + +Baron Martin was one of the good-natured judges who from the following +story seem to stretch that amiable quality to its fullest extent. In +sentencing a man convicted of a petty theft he said: "Look, I hardly +know what to do with you, but you can take six months."--"I can't take +that, my lord," said the prisoner; "it's too much. I can't take it; your +lordship sees I did not steal very much after all." The Baron indulged +in one of his characteristic chuckling laughs, and said: "Well that's +vera true; ye didn't steal _much_. Well then, ye can tak' _four_. Will +that do--four months?"--"No, my lord, but I can't take that +neither."--"Then take _three_."--"That's nearer the mark, my lord," +replied the prisoner, "but I'd rather you'd make it _two_, if you'll be +so kind."--"Very well then, tak' two," said the judge; "and don't come +again. If you do, I'll give you--well, it'll all depend." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FREDERICK THESIGER, BARON CHELMSFORD, LORD CHANCELLOR.] + +Lord Erskine's punning upon legal terms has already been noticed, but no +better quip is recorded than that of Lord Chelmsford, when as Sir +Frederick Thesiger, and a leader at the Bar, he took exception to the +irregular examination of a witness by a learned serjeant. "I have a +right," maintained the serjeant, "to deal with my witness as I +please."--"To that I offer no objection," retorted Sir Frederick. "You +may _deal_ as you like, but you shan't _lead_." + +On all occasions Samuel Warren, the author of _Ten Thousand a Year_, was +given to boasting, at the Bar mess, of his intimacy with members of the +peerage. One day he was saying that, while dining lately at the Duke of +Leeds, he was surprised at finding no fish of any kind was served. "That +is easily accounted for," said Thesiger; "they had probably eaten it all +_upstairs_." + +Walking down St. James's Street one day, Lord Chelmsford was accosted by +a stranger, who exclaimed, "Mr. Birch, I believe."--"If you believe +that, sir, you'll believe anything," replied his lordship as he passed +on. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SIR ALEXANDER COCKBURN, BART., LORD CHIEF JUSTICE.] + +In the recently published _Cockburn Family Records_ the following is +told of the Chief Justice's ready wit: + +"At a certain trial an extremely pretty girl was called as a witness. +The Lord Chief Justice was very particular about her giving her full +name and address. Of course he took note. So did the sheriff's officer! +That evening they both arrived at the young lady's door simultaneously, +whereupon Sir Alexander tapped the officer on the shoulder, remarking, +'No, no, no, Mr. Sheriff's Officer, judgment first, execution +afterwards!'" + +There never was a barrister whose rise at the Bar was more rapid or +remarkable than that of Sir Alexander Cockburn, and along with him was +his friend and close associate as a brother lawyer of the Crown and +Bencher of the same Inn, Sir Richard Bethel, who became Lord Chancellor +a few years after Sir Alexander was made Chief Justice. Sir Richard once +said to his colleague, "My dear fellow, equity will swallow up your +common law."--"I don't know about that," said Sir Alexander, "but you'll +find it rather hard of digestion." + + * * * * * + +Although the wit of Lord Justice Knight Bruce was somewhat sarcastic it +was rarely so severe as that of Lord Westbury. There was always a tone +of good humour about it. He had indeed a kind of grave judicial waggery, +which is well exemplified in the following judgment in a separation suit +between an attorney and his wife. "The Court has been now for several +days occupied in the matrimonial quarrels of a solicitor and his wife. +He was a man not unaccustomed to the ways of the softer sex, for he +already had nine children by three successive wives. She, +however--herself a widow--was well informed of these antecedents; and it +appears did not consider them any objection to their union; and they +were married. No sooner were they united, however, than they were +unhappily disunited by unhappy disputes as to her property. These +disputes disturbed even the period usually dedicated to the softer +delights of matrimony, and the honeymoon was occupied by endeavours to +induce her to exercise a testamentary power of appointment in his +favour. She, however, refused, and so we find that in due course, at the +end of the month, he brought home with some disgust his still intestate +bride. The disputes continued, until at last they exchanged the +irregular quarrels of domestic strife for the more disciplined warfare +of Lincoln's Inn and Doctors Commons." + +Of this judge the story is told that a Chancery counsel in a long and +dry argument quoted the legal maxim--_expressio unius est exclusio +alterius_--pronouncing the "i" in _unius_ as short as possible. This +roused his lordship from the drowsiness into which he had been lulled. +"Unyus! Mr. ----? We always pronounced that _unius_ at school."--"Oh +yes, my lord," replied the counsel; "but some of the poets use it short +for the sake of the metre."--"You forget, Mr. ----," rejoined the +judge, "that we are prosing here." + + * * * * * + +Mr. Justice Willes was a judge of kindly disposition, and when he had to +convey a rebuke he did so in some delicate and refined way like this. A +young barrister feeling in a hobble, wished to get out of it by saying, +"I throw myself on your lordship's hands."--"Mr. ----, I decline the +burden," replied the learned judge. + +One day in judge's chambers, after being pressed by counsel very +strongly against his own views, he said with quaint humour: "I'm one of +the most obstinate men in the world."--"God forbid that I should be so +rude as to contradict your lordship," replied the counsel. + +Mr. Montague Williams in his _Leaves of a Life_ relates the following +story of Mr. Justice Byles. He was once hearing a case in which a woman +was charged with causing the death of her child by not giving it proper +food, or treating it with the necessary care. Mr. F----, of the Western +Circuit, conducted the defence, and while addressing the jury said: + +"Gentlemen, it appears to be impossible that the prisoner can have +committed this crime. A mother guilty of such conduct to her own child? +Why, it is repugnant to our better feelings"; and then being carried +away by his own eloquence, he proceeded: "Gentlemen, the beasts of the +field, the birds of the air, suckle their young, and----" + +But at this point the learned judge interrupted him, and said: + +"Mr. F----, if you establish the latter part of your proposition, your +client will be acquitted to a certainty." + +And to the same authority we are indebted for a judge's gentle but +sarcastic reproof of a prosing counsel. In an action for false +imprisonment, heard before Mr. Justice Wightman, Ribton was addressing +the jury at great length, repeating himself constantly, and never giving +the slightest sign of winding up. When he had been pounding away for +several hours, the good old judge interposed, and said: "Mr. Ribton, +you've said that before."--"Have I, my lord?" said Ribton; "I'm very +sorry. I quite forgot it."--"Don't apologise, Mr. Ribton," was the +answer. "I forgive you; for it was a very long time ago." + +A very old story is told of a highwayman who sent for a solicitor and +inquired what steps were necessary to be taken to have his trial +deferred. The solicitor answered that he would require to get a doctor's +affidavit of his illness. This was accordingly done in the following +manner: "The deponent verily believes that if the said ---- is obliged +to take his trial at the ensuing sessions, he will be in imminent danger +of his life."--"I verily believe so too," replied the judge, and the +trial proceeded immediately. + + * * * * * + +Some judges profess ignorance of slang terms used in evidence, and seek +explanation from counsel. Lord Coleridge in the following story had his +inquiry not only answered but illustrated. A witness was describing an +animated conversation between the pursuer and defendant in a case and +said: "Then the defendant turned and said, 'If 'e didn't 'owld 'is noise +'ed knock 'im off 'is peark.'"--"Peark? Mr. Shee, what is meant by +peark?" asked the Lord Chief Justice. "Oh, peark, my lord, is any +position when a man elevates himself above his fellows--for instance, a +bench, my lord." + +Another story illustrating this alleged ignorance of every-day terms +used by the masses comes from the Scottish Court of Session. In this +instance the explanation was volunteered by the witness who used the +term. One of the counsel in the case was Mr. (now Lord) Dewar, who was +cross-examining the witness on a certain incident, and drew from him the +statement that he (the witness) had just had a "nip." "A nip," said the +judge; "what is a nip?"--"Only a small Dewar, my lord," explained the +witness. + +Lord Russell of Killowen, himself a Lord Chief Justice, tells some +amusing stories of Lord Coleridge in his interesting reminiscences of +that great judge in the _North American Review_. When at the Bar he was +counsel in a remarkable case--Saurin against Starr. The pursuer, an +Irish lady, sued the Superior of a religious order at Hull for expulsion +without reasonable cause. Mr. Coleridge cross-examined a Mrs. Kennedy, +one of the superintendents of the convent, who had mentioned in her +evidence, among other peccadilloes of the pursuer, that she had been +found in the pantry eating strawberries, when she should have been +attending some class duties. + +Mr. Coleridge: "Eating strawberries, really!" + +Mrs. Kennedy: "Yes, sir, she was eating strawberries." + +Mr. Coleridge: "How shocking!" + +Mrs. Kennedy: "It was forbidden, sir." + +Mr. Coleridge: "And did you, Mrs. Kennedy, really consider there was any +great harm in that?" + +Mrs. Kennedy: "No, sir, not in itself, any more than there was harm in +eating an apple; but you know, sir, the mischief that came from that." + +When as Lord Chief Justice, Lord Coleridge visited the United States, he +was continually pestered by interviewers, and one of them failing to +draw him, began to disparage the old country in its physical features +and its men. Lord Coleridge bore it all in good part; finally the +interviewer said, "I am told, my lord, you think a great deal of your +great fire of London. Well, I guess, that the conflagration we had in +the little village of Chicago made your great fire look very small." To +which his lordship blandly responded: "Sir, I have every reason to +believe that the great fire of London was quite as great as the people +of that time desired." + +There are few of Lord Bowen's witticisms from the Bench in circulation, +but his after-dinner stories are worth recording, and perhaps one of the +best is that given in _Anecdotes of the Bench and Bar_, as told by +himself in the following words: "One of the ancient rabbinical writers +was engaged in compiling a history of the minor prophets, and in due +course it became his duty to record the history of the prophet Daniel. +In speaking of the most striking incident in the great man's career--I +refer to his critical position in the den of lions--he made a remark +which has always seemed to me replete with judgment and observation. He +said that the prophet, notwithstanding the trying circumstances in which +he was placed, had one consolation which has sometimes been forgotten. +He had the consolation of knowing that when the dreadful banquet was +over, at any rate it was not he who would be called upon to return +thanks." + + * * * * * + +The following story cannot be classed a witticism from the Bench, but +the judge clearly gave the opening for the lady's smart retort. + +Mrs. Weldon, a well-known lady litigant in the Courts a generation ago, +was on one occasion endeavouring in the Court of Appeal to upset a +judgment of Vice-Chancellor Bacon, and one ground of complaint was that +the judge was too old to understand her case. Thereupon Lord Esher said: +"The last time you were here you complained that your case had been +tried by my brother Bowen, and you said he was only a bit of a boy, and +could not do you justice. Now you come here and say that my brother +Bacon was too old. What age do you want the judge to be?"--"Your age," +promptly replied Mrs. Weldon, fixing her bright eyes on the handsome +countenance of the Master of the Rolls. + +On Charles Phillips, who became a judge of the Insolvent Court, noticing +a witness kiss his thumb instead of the Testament, after rebuking him +said, "You may think to _desave_ God, sir, but you won't desave me." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SIR HENRY HAWKINS, LORD BRAMPTON.] + +That racy and turf-attending judge, Lord Brampton, better known as Sir +Henry Hawkins, tells many good stories of himself in his +_Reminiscences_, but it is the unconscious humorist of Marylebone Police +Court who records this _bon mot_ of Sir Henry. + +An old woman in the witness-box had been rattling on in the most voluble +manner, until it was impossible to make head or tail of her evidence. +Mr. Justice Hawkins, thinking he would try his hand, began with a +soothing question, but the old woman would not have it at any price. She +replied testily, "It's no use you bothering me. I have told you all I +know."--"That may be," replied his lordship, "but the question rather +is, do you know all you have told us?" + +When Sir Henry (then Mr.) Hawkins was prosecuting counsel in the +Tichborne trial, over which Lord Chief Justice Cockburn presided, an +amusing incident is recorded by Mr. Plowden. The antecedents of a man +who had given sensational evidence for the claimant were being inquired +into, and in answer to Sir Henry the witness under examination said he +knew the man to be married, but his wife passed under another name. +"What name?" asked Mr. Hawkins. "Mrs. Hawkins," replied the witness. +"What was her maiden name?" added Mr. Hawkins. "Cockburn." Such a +coincident of names naturally caused hearty and prolonged laughter. + +In the course of this celebrated trial another amusing incident occurred +which Sir Henry used to tell against himself. One morning as the +claimant came into Court, a lady dressed in deep mourning presented +Orton with a tract. After a few minutes he wrote something on it, and +had it passed on to the prosecuting counsel. The tract was boldly headed +in black type, "Sinner--Repent," and the claimant had written upon it, +"Surely this must have been meant for Hawkins." + +Not long after he had ascended the Bench Mr. Justice Hawkins was hearing +a case in which a man was being tried for murder. The counsel for the +prosecution observed the prisoner say something earnestly to the +policeman seated by his side in the dock, and asked that the constable +should be made to disclose what had passed. "Yes," said his lordship, "I +think you may demand that. Constable, inform the Court what passed +between you and the prisoner."--"I--I would rather not, your lordship. I +was--."--"Never mind what you would rather not do. Inform the Court what +the prisoner said."--"He asked me, your lordship, who that hoary heathen +with the sheepskin was, as he had often seen him at the +race-course."--"That will do," said his lordship. "Proceed with the +case." + +An action for damages against a fire insurance company, brought by some +Jews, was heard before Chief Justice Cockburn, which clearly was a +fraudulent claim. The plaintiffs claimed for loss of ready-made clothes +in the fire. Hawkins, who appeared for the defendant company, elicited +the fact that ready-made clothes in this firm had all brass buttons as a +rule; and, further, that after sifting the debris of the fire no buttons +had been found. The trial was not concluded on that day, but on the +following morning hundreds of buttons partially burnt were brought into +Court by the Jew plaintiffs. Cockburn was not long in appreciating this +mode of furnishing evidence after its necessity had been pointed out, +and he asked: "How do you account for these buttons, Mr. Hawkins? You +said none were found."--"Up to last night none had been found," replied +Hawkins. "But," said the Chief Justice--"but these buttons have +evidently been burnt in the fire. How do they come here?"--"_On their +own shanks_," was Hawkins' smart and ready reply. Verdict for +defendants. + +The alibi has come in for its fair share of jests. Sir Henry Hawkins +relates in his _Reminiscences_ how he once found the following in his +brief: "If the case is called on before 3.15, the defence is left to the +ingenuity of the counsel; if after that hour, the defence is an alibi, +as by then the usual alibi witnesses will have returned from Norwich, +where they are at present professionally engaged." + +Sitting as a vacation judge, Sir Walter Phillimore, whose views on the +law of divorce are well known, protested against being called on to make +absolute a number of decrees _nisi_ granted in the Divorce Division. +This fact is said to have called forth a witty pronouncement by a late +president of that Division of the Courts. "Here is my brother +Phillimore, who objects to making decrees _nisi_ absolute because he +believes in the sanctity of the marriage tie. By and by we may be having +a Unitarian appointed to the Bench, and he will refuse to try Admiralty +suits, as he would have to sit with Trinity Masters." + +In sentencing a burglar recently, the judge referred to him as a +"professional," to which the prisoner strongly protested from the dock. +"Here," he exclaimed, "I dunno wot you mean by callin' me a professional +burglar. I've only done it once before, an' I've been nabbed both +times." The judge, in the most suave manner, replied, "Oh, I did not +mean to say that you had been very successful in your profession." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE HON. MR JUSTICE GRANTHAM, JUDGE OF THE KING'S BENCH +DIVISION.] + +Mr. Justice Grantham had a keen sense of humour. On one occasion, when +he was judge at the Newcastle Assizes, he left the mansion-house where +he was staying, at night, to post his letters. As he was wearing a cap +he was not recognised by the police officer who was on duty outside, and +the constable inquired of his lordship if "the old ---- had gone to bed +yet." The judge replied that he thought not, and a short while after he +had returned to the house he raised his bedroom window, and putting out +his head called to the constable below: "Officer, the old ---- is just +going to bed now." + +[Illustration: THE HON. MR JUSTICE DARLING, JUDGE OF THE KING'S BENCH +DIVISION.] + +Hardly a case of any importance comes into Mr. Justice Darling's Court +without attracting a large attendance of the public, as much from +expectation of being entertained by the repartees between Bench and Bar +as from interest in the proceedings before the Court. In a recent turf +libel case his lordship gave a free rein to his proclivity to give an +amusing turn to statements of both counsel and witnesses. At one point +he intervened by remarking that other witnesses than the one under +examination had said that a horse is made fit by running on the course +before he is expected to win a position, and added, "That is so, not +only on the race-course. You can never make a good lawyer by putting him +to read in the library." To which the defendant, who conducted his own +case, replied, "But I take it a barrister does try."--"You have no +notion how he tries the judge," responded Mr. Justice Darling. In the +same case a question arose as to whether the stewards of the Jockey Club +had the power to check riding "short," as it is termed, and the Justice +inquired if the stewards could say, "You must ride with a leather of a +prescribed length," and got the answer, "Yes; they could say if you +don't ride longer we won't give you a license."--"Which means," said the +judge, "if you don't ride longer you won't ride long." + +"Who made the translation from the German?" asked the same judge, +regarding a document to which counsel had referred. "God knows; I +don't," was the reply of Mr. Danckwerts. "Are you sure," responded the +Justice, "that what is not known to you is known at all?" + +Perhaps Mr. Justice Darling never raised heartier laughter than in an +action some years ago where the issue was whether the plaintiff, who had +been engaged by the defendant to sing in "potted opera" at a music-hall, +was competent to fulfil his contract. + +"Well, he could not sing like the archangel Gabriel," a witness had +said, in reply to Mr. Duke, K. C. + +"I have never heard the archangel Gabriel," commented the eminent +counsel. + +"That, Mr. Duke, is a pleasure to come," was his lordship's swift, if +gently sarcastic, rejoinder. + + * * * * * + +If witnesses occasionally undergo severe handling in cross-examination +by counsel, there are also occasions when their ready reply has rather +nonplussed the judge. + +A case was being tried at York before Mr. Justice Gould. When it had +proceeded for upwards of two hours the judge observed that there were +only eleven jurymen in the box, and inquired where the twelfth man was. +"Please you, my lord," said one of them, "he has gone away about some +business, but he has left his verdict with me." + +"How old are you?" asked the judge of a lady witness. +"Thirty."--"Thirty!" said the judge; "I have heard you give the same age +in this Court for the last three years."--"Yes," responded the lady; "I +am not one of those persons who say one thing to-day and another +to-morrow." + +Mr. Justice Keating one day had occasion to examine a witness who +stuttered very much in giving his evidence. "I believe," said his +lordship, "you are a very great rogue."--"Not so great a rogue as you, +my lord--t--t--t--t--take me to be," was the reply. + +Judge: "Is this your signature?" + +Witness: "I don't know." + +Judge: "Look at it carefully." + +Witness: "I can't say for certain." + +Judge: "Is it anything like your writing?" + +Witness: "I don't think it is." + +Judge: "Can't you identify it?" + +Witness: "Not quite." + +Judge: "Well, let me see, just write your name here and I will examine +the two signatures." + +Witness: "I can't write, sir." + +Medical men are not as a rule the best witnesses, being too fond of +using technical words peculiar to them in their own profession. In an +action for assault tried by a Derbyshire common jury before Mr. Justice +Patteson, a surgical witness was asked to describe the injuries the +plaintiff had received; he stated he had "ecchymosis" of the left eye. +Upon the judge inquiring whether that did not mean what was commonly +understood by a black eye, the witness answered: "Yes."--"Then why did +you not say so, sir? What do the jury know of 'ecchymosis'? They might +think, as the farmer did of the word 'felicity,' used by a clergyman in +his sermon, that it meant something in the inside of a pig." + +A notorious thief, being tried for his life, confessed the robbery he +was charged with. The judge thereupon directed the jury to find him +guilty upon his own confession. The jury having consulted together +brought him in "Not guilty." The judge bade them consider their verdict +again, but still they brought in a verdict of "Not guilty." The judge +asking the reason, the foreman replied: "There is reason enough, for we +all know him to be one of the greatest liars in the country." + +"Have you committed all these crimes?" asked the judge of a hoary old +sinner. "Yes, my lord, and worse." "Worse, I should have thought it +impossible. What have you done then?"--"My lord, I allowed myself to be +caught." + +"I knows yer," said a prisoner to the present Lord Chief Justice, "and +many's the time I've given yer a hand when ye've been stepping it round +the track like a greyhound. So let's down lightly, like a good cove as +yer are." + + * * * * * + +The retort of a witness to Lord Avory was too good to be soon forgotten, +and is still circulating among the juniors of the law-courts. "Let me +see," said his lordship, "you have been convicted before, haven't +you?"--"Yes, sir," answered the man; "but it was due to the incapacity +of my counsel rather than to any fault on my part."--"It always is," +said Lord Avory, with a grim smile, "and you have my sincere +sympathy."--"And I deserve it," retorted the man, "seeing that you were +my counsel on that occasion!" + + + + +CHAPTER TWO + +THE BARRISTERS OF ENGLAND + + + "Hark the hour of ten is sounding! + Hearts with anxious fears are bounding; + Hall of Justice crowds surrounding, + Breathing hope and fear. + For to-day in this arena + Summoned by a stern subpoena, + Edwin sued by Angelina + Shortly will appear." + + Sir W. S. GILBERT: _Trial by Jury_. + + + "As your Solicitor, I should have no hesitation in saying: + Chance it----" + + Sir W. S. GILBERT: _The Mikado_. + + + + +CHAPTER TWO + +THE BARRISTERS OF ENGLAND + + +From the middle of the thirteenth century the senior rank to which a +barrister could attain at the Bar was that of serjeant-at-law, and from +that body, which existed until 1875, the judges were selected. If a +barrister below the rank of serjeant was invited to take a seat on the +Bench he invariably conformed to the recognised custom and "took the +coif"--became a serjeant-at-law--before he was sworn as one of his (or +her) Majesty's judges. This explains the term "brother" applied by +judges when addressing serjeants pleading before them in Court. "Taking +the coif" had a curious origin. It was customary in very early times for +the clergy to add to their clerical duties that of a legal practitioner, +by which considerable fees were obtained, and when the Canon law forbade +them engaging in all secular occupations the remuneration they had +obtained from the law-courts proved too strong a temptation to evade the +new law. They continued therefore to practise in the Courts, and to hide +their clerical identity they concealed the tonsure by covering the upper +part of their heads with a black cap or coif. When ultimately clerical +barristers were driven from the law-courts, the "coif" or black patch on +the crown of a barrister's wig became the symbol of the rank of +serjeant-at-law. That this distinguishing mark has been, in later years, +occasionally misunderstood is illustrated in the story of Serjeant +Allen and Sir Henry Keating, Q.C., who were opposed to one another in a +case before the Assize Court at Stafford. During the hearing of the case +a violent altercation had taken place between them, but when the Court +rose they left the building together, walking amicably to their +lodgings. Two men who had been in Court and had heard their wrangle were +following behind them, when one said to the other: "If you was in +trouble, Bill, which o' them two tip-top 'uns would you have to defend +you?"--"Well, Jim," was the reply, "I should pitch upon this 'un," +pointing to the Q.C. "Then you'd be a fool," said his companion; "the +fellow with the _sore head_ is worth six of t'other 'un." + +There used to be a student joke against the serjeants. "Why is a +serjeant's speech like a tailor's goose?"--"Because it is hot and +heavy." + + * * * * * + +"Taking silk," or becoming a K.C. and a senior at the Bar, originated at +a much later date than that of serjeant-at-law. Lord Bacon was the first +to be recognised as Queen's Counsel, but this distinction arose from his +position as legal adviser to Queen Elizabeth, and did not indicate the +existence of a senior body (as K.C. does now) among the barristers of +that period. The institution of the rank dates from the days of Charles +II, when Sir Francis North, Lord Guildford, was created King's Counsel +by a writ issued under the Great Seal. As was customary in the case of a +barrister proposing to "take the coif," so in that of one proposing to +"take silk"; he intimates to the seniors already holding the rank that +he intends to apply for admission to the body. A story is current in the +Temple that when Mr. Justice Eve "took silk" the usual notification of +his intention was sent to the seniors, and from one of them he received +the following reply: "My dear Eve, whether you wear silk or a fig-leaf, +I do not care.--A Dam." + + * * * * * + +Our selection of facetiae of the English Bar, therefore, naturally opens +with stories of the serjeants-at-law, and one of the best-known members +of that body in early days was Serjeant Hill, a celebrated lawyer, who +was also somewhat remarkable for absence of mind, which was attributed +to the earnestness with which he devoted himself to his professional +duties. + +On the very day when he was married, he had an intricate case on hand, +and forgot his engagement, until reminded of his waiting bride, and that +the legal time for performing the ceremony had nearly elapsed. He then +quitted law for the church; after the ceremony, the serjeant returned to +his books and his papers, having forgotten the _cause_ he had been +engaged in during the morning, until again reminded by his clerk that +the assembled company impatiently awaited his presence at dinner. + +Being once on Circuit, and having occasion to refer to a law authority, +he had recourse, as usual, to his bag; but, to the astonishment of the +Court, instead of a volume of Viner's abridgment, he took out a specimen +candlestick, the property of a Birmingham traveller, whose bag Serjeant +Hill had brought into Court by mistake. + +A learned serjeant kept the Court waiting one morning for a few minutes. +The business of the Court commenced at nine. "Brother," said the judge, +"you are behind your time this morning. The Court has been waiting for +you."--"I beg your lordship's pardon," replied the serjeant; "I am +afraid I was longer than usual in dressing."--"Oh," returned the judge, +"I can dress in five minutes at any time."--"Indeed!" said the learned +brother, a little surprised for the moment; "but in that my dog Shock +beats your lordship hollow, for he has nothing to do but to shake his +coat, and thinks himself fit for any company." + +Serjeant Davy, when at the height of his professional career, once +received a large brief on which a fee of two guineas only was marked on +the back. His client asked him if he had read the brief. Pointing with +his finger to the fee, Davy replied: "As far as that I have read, and +for the life of me I can read no further." Of the same eminent serjeant +in his earlier years an Old Baily story is told. Judge Gould, who +presided, asked: "Who is concerned for the prisoner?"--"I am concerned +for him, my lord," said Davy, "and very much concerned after what I have +just heard." + +If Serjeant Davy was concerned about his client, Serjeant Miller had no +such scruple about the man charged with horse stealing whom he +successfully defended, although the evidence convinced the judge and +everybody in the Court that there ought to have been a conviction. When +the trial was over and the prisoner had been acquitted, the judge said +to him: "Prisoner, luckily for you, you have been found Not Guilty by +the jury, but you know perfectly well you stole that horse. You may as +well tell the truth, as no harm can happen to you now by a confession, +for you cannot be tried again. Now tell me, did you not steal that +horse?" "Well, my lord," replied the man, "I always thought I did, until +I heard my counsel's speech, but now I begin to think I didn't." + + * * * * * + +In the days of "riding" and "driving circuit," and even later, the +Circuit mess was a very popular institution with circuiteers, and was +made the occasion of much merriment. After the table had been cleared a +fictitious charge would be made against one of the barristers present, +and a mock tribunal was immediately constituted before which he was +arraigned and his case duly set forth with all solemnity. The victim was +invariably fined--generally in wine, which had to be paid at once, and +consumed before the company retired to bed. On one such occasion +Serjeant Prime, who is represented as a good-natured but rather dull +man, and as a barrister wearisome beyond comparison, was engaged in an +important case in an over-crowded courtroom. He had been speaking for +three hours, when a boy, seated on a beam above the heads of the +audience, overcome by the heat and the serjeant's monotonous tones, fell +asleep, and, losing his balance, tumbled down on the people below. The +incident was made the subject of a charge against the serjeant at the +mess, and he was duly sentenced to pay a fine of two dozen of wine, +which he did with the greatest good humour. + +Serjeant Wilkins, on one occasion, on defending a prisoner, said: "Drink +has upon some an elevating, upon others a depressing, effect; indeed, +there is a report, as we all know, that an eminent judge, when at the +Bar, was obliged to resort to heavy drinking in the morning, to reduce +himself to the level of the judges." Lord Denman, the judge, who had no +love for Wilkins, bridled up instantly. His voice trembled with +indignation as he uttered the words: "Where is the report, sir? Where is +it?" There was a death-like silence. Wilkins calmly turned round to the +judge and said: "It was burnt, my lord, in the Temple fire." The +effect of this was considerable, and it was a long time before order +could be restored, but Lord Denman was one of the first to acknowledge +the wit of the answer. + +Difference of manner or temperament sometimes gives point to the +collisions which occasionally occur in Court between rival counsel. +Serjeant Wilkins, who had an inflated style of oratory, was once opposed +in a case to Serjeant Thomas, whose manner of delivery was lighter and +more lively. On the conclusion of a heavy bombardment of ponderous +Johnsonian sentences from the former, Thomas rose, and, with his eyes +fixed on his opponent, prefaced his address to the jury with the words, +delivered with much solemnity of manner and intonation: "And now the +hurly-burly's done." + + * * * * * + +Dunning was defending a gentleman in an action brought from _crim. con._ +with the plaintiff's wife. The chief witness for the plaintiff was the +lady's maid, a clever, self-composed person, who spoke confidently as to +seeing the defendant in bed with her mistress. Dunning, on rising to +cross-examine her, first made her take off her bonnet, that they might +have a good view of her face, but this did not discompose her, as she +knew she was good-looking. He then arranged his brief, solemnly drew up +his shirt sleeves, and then began: "Are you sure it was not your master +you saw in bed with your mistress?"--"Perfectly sure."--"What, do you +pretend to say you can be certain when the head only appeared from the +bedclothes, and that enveloped in a nightcap?"--"Quite certain."--"You +have often found occasion, then, to see your master in his +nightcap?"--"Yes--very frequently."--"Now, young woman, I ask you, on +your solemn oath, does not your master occasionally go to bed with +you?"--"Oh, that trial does not come on to-day, Mr. Slabberchops!" +replied the witness. A loud shout of laughter followed, and Lord +Mansfield leaned back to enjoy it, and then gravely leaned forward and +asked if Mr. Dunning had any more questions to put to the witness. No +answer was given, and none were put. The same counsel, when at the +height of his large practice at the Bar, was asked how he got through +all his work. He replied: "I do one-third of it; another third does +itself; and I don't do the remaining third." + +A witness under severe cross-examination by Serjeant Dunning was +repeatedly asked if he did not live close to the Court. On admitting +that he did, the further question was put, "And pray, sir, for what +reason did you take up your residence in that place?"--"To avoid the +rascally impertinence of dunning," came the ready answer. + +A barrister's name once gave a witness the opportunity to score in the +course of a severe cross-examination. Missing was the leader of his +Circuit and was defending his client charged with stealing a donkey. The +prosecutor had left the donkey tied up to a gate, and when he returned +it was gone. "Do you mean to say," said counsel, "the donkey was stolen +from the gate?"--"I mean to say, sir," said the witness, giving the +judge and then the jury a sly look, at the same time pointing to the +counsel, "the ass was missing." + + * * * * * + +Mr. Clarke, a leader of the Midland Circuit, was a very worthy lawyer of +the old school. A client long refusing to agree to refer to arbitration +a cause which judge, jury, and counsel wished to get rid of, he at last +said to him, "You d--d infernal fool, if you do not immediately follow +his lordship's recommendation, I shall be obliged to use strong language +to you." Once, in a council of the Benchers of Lincoln's Inn, the same +gentleman very conscientiously opposed their calling a Jew to the Bar. +Some tried to point out the hardship to be imposed upon the young +gentleman, who had been allowed to keep his terms, and whose prospects +in life would thus be suddenly blasted. "Hardship!" said the zealous +churchman, "no hardship at all! Let him become a Christian, and be d--d +to him!" + +It is sometimes imagined by laymen that verdicts may be obtained by the +trickery of counsel. Doubtless counsel may try to throw dust in the +eyes of jurors, but they are not very successful. Lord Campbell tells a +story of Clarke, who by such tactics brought a case to a satisfactory +compromise. The attorney, coming to him privately, said, "Sir, don't you +think we have got very good terms? But you rather went beyond my +instructions."--"You fool!" retorted Clarke; "how do you suppose you +could have got such terms if I had stuck to your instructions." + +[Illustration: JOHN ADOLPHUS, BARRISTER.] + +In the biography of John Adolphus, a famous criminal lawyer, we are told +that the judges of his time were much impressed with the following table +of degrees. "The three degrees of comparison in a lawyer's progress are: +getting on; getting on-er (honour); getting on-est (honest)." He +declared the judges acknowledged much truth in the degrees. The third +degree in Mr. Adolphus' table reminds us of the story of the farmer who +was met by the head of a firm of solicitors, who inquired the name of a +plant the farmer was carrying. "It's a plant," replied the latter, "that +will not grow in a lawyer's garden; it is called honesty." + +One night, walking through St. Giles's by way of a short cut towards +home, an Irish woman came up to Mr. Adolphus. "Why, Misther Adolphus! +and who'd a' thought of seeing you in the Holy Ground?"--"And how came +you to know who I am?" said Adolphus. "Lord bless and save ye, sir! +not know ye? Why, I'd know ye if ye was boiled up in a soup!" + +Mr. Montagu Chambers was counsel for a widow who had been put in a +lunatic asylum, and sued the two medical men who signed the certificate +of her insanity. The plaintiff's case was to prove that she was not +addicted to drinking, and that there was no pretence for treating hers +as a case of _delirium tremens_. Dr. Tunstal, the last of plaintiff's +witnesses, described one case in which he had cured a patient of +_delirium tremens_ in a _single night_, and he added, "It was a case of +gradual drinking, _sipping all day_ from morning till night." These +words were scarcely uttered when Mr. Chambers rose in triumph, and said, +"My lord, that is _my case_." + + * * * * * + +On the Northern Circuit a century ago, there was a famous barrister who +was familiarly known among his brother advocates as Jack Lee. He was +engaged in examining one Mary Pritchard, of Barnsley, and began his +examination with, "Well, Mary, if I may credit what I hear, I may +venture to address you by the name of Black Moll."--"Faith you may, +mister lawyer, for I am always called so by the blackguards." On another +occasion he was retained for the plaintiff in an action for breach of +promise of marriage. When the consultation took place, he inquired +whether the lady for whose injury he was to seek redress was +good-looking. "Very handsome indeed, sir," was the assurance of her +attorney. "Then, sir," replied Lee, "I beg you will request her to be in +Court, and in a place where she can be seen." The attorney promised +compliance, and the lady, in accordance with Lee's wishes, took her seat +in a conspicuous place, where the jury could see her. Lee, in addressing +the jury, did not fail to insist with great warmth on the "abominable +cruelty" which had been exercised towards "the highly attractive and +modest girl who trusted her cause to their discernment"; and did not sit +down until he had succeeded in working upon their feelings with great +and, as he thought, successful effect. The counsel on the other side, +however, speedily broke the spell with which Lee had enchanted the jury, +by observing that "his learned friend, in describing the graces and +beauty of the plaintiff, ought in common fairness not to have concealed +from the jury the fact that the lady had a _wooden leg_!" The Court was +convulsed with laughter at this discovery, while Lee, who was ignorant +of this circumstance, looked aghast; and the jury, ashamed of the +influence that mere eloquence had had upon them, returned a verdict for +the defendant. + +Justice Willes, the son of Chief Justice Willes, had an offensive habit +of interrupting counsel. On one occasion an old practitioner was so +irritated by this practice that he retorted sharply by saying, "Your +lordship doubtless shows greater acuteness even than your father, the +Chief Justice, for he used to understand me _after I had done_, but your +lordship understands me even _before I have begun_." + +Of Whigham, a later leader on the Northern Circuit, an amusing story +used to be told. He was defending a prisoner, and opened an alibi in his +address to the jury, undertaking to prove it by calling the person who +had been in bed with his client at the time in question, and deprecating +their evil opinion of a woman whose moral character was clearly open to +grave reproach, but who was still entitled to be believed upon her oath. +Then he called "Jessie Crabtree." The name was, as usual, repeated by +the crier, and there came pushing his way sturdily through the crowd a +big Lancashire lad in his rough dress, who had been the prisoner's +veritable bedfellow--Whigham's brief not having explained to him that +the Christian name of his witness was, in this case, a male one. + +Colman, in his _Random Records_, tells the following anecdote of the +witty barrister, Mr. Jekyll. One day observing a squirrel in Colman's +chambers, in the usual round cage, performing the same operation as a +man in a tread-mill, and looking at it for a minute, exclaimed, "Oh! +poor devil, he's going the Home Circuit." + +Jekyll was asked why he no longer spoke to a lawyer named Peat; to which +he replied, "I choose to give up his acquaintance--I have common of +turbary, and have a right to cut _peat_!" An impromptu of his on a +learned serjeant who was holding the Court of Common Pleas with his +glittering eye, is well known: + + "Behold the serjeant full of fire, + Long shall his hearers rue it, + His purple garments _came_ from Tyre, + His arguments _go to it_." + +Mr. H. L. Adam, in his volume _The Story of Crime_, tells an amusing +story of a prisoner whose counsel had successfully obtained his +acquittal on a charge of brutal assault. A policeman came across a man +one night lying unconscious on the pavement, and near by him was an +ordinary "bowler" hat. That was the only clue to the perpetrator of the +deed. The police had their suspicions of a certain individual, whom they +proceeded to interrogate. In addition to being unable to give a +satisfactory account of his movements on the night of the assault, it +was found that the "bowler" hat in question fitted him like a glove. He +was accordingly arrested and charged with the crime, the hat being the +chief evidence against him. Counsel for the defence, however, dwelt so +impressively on the risk of accepting such evidence that the jury +brought in a verdict of "not proven," and the prisoner was discharged. +Before leaving the dock he turned to the judge, and pointing to the +hat in Court, said, "My lord, may I 'ave my 'at." + + * * * * * + +Some amusing scenes have occurred in suits brought by tailors and +dressmakers to recover the price of garments for which their customers +have declined to pay on the ground of misfit. Serjeant Ballantine, in +his _Experiences of a Barrister_, relates the case of a tailor in which +the defendant was the famous Sir Edwin Landseer. It was tried in the +Exchequer Court, before Baron Martin. "The coat was produced," says the +serjeant, "and the judge suggested that Sir Edwin should try it on; he +made a wry face, but consented, and took off his own upper garment. He +then put an arm into one of the sleeves of that in dispute, and made an +apparently ineffectual endeavour to reach the other, following it round +amidst roars of laughter from all parts of the Court. It was a common +jury, and I was told that there was a tailor upon it, upon which I +suggested that there was a gentleman of the same profession as the +plaintiff in Court who might assist Sir Edwin. This was acceded to, and +out hopped a little Hebrew slop-seller from the Minories, to whom the +defendant submitted his body. With difficulty he got into the coat, and +then stood as if spitted, his back one mass of wrinkles. The tableau was +truly amusing; the indignant plaintiff looking at the performance with +mingled horror and disgust; Sir Edwin, as if he were choking; whilst the +juryman, with the air of a connoisseur, was examining him and the coat +with profound gravity. At last the judge, when able to stifle his +laughter, addressing the little Hebrew, said, 'Well, Mr. Moses, what do +you say?'--'Oh,' cried he, holding up a pair of hands not over clean, +and very different from those encased in lavender gloves which graced +the plaintiff, 'it ish poshitively shocking, my lord; I should have been +ashamed to turn out such a thing from my establishment.' The rest of the +jury accepted his view, and Sir Edwin, apparently relieved from +suffocation, entered his own coat with a look of relief, which again +convulsed the Court, bowed, and departed." + + * * * * * + +Financial prosecutions are as a rule very dreary, and any little joke +perpetrated by counsel during the course of them is a relief. One was +being heard, in which Mr. Muir was counsel, and to many of his +statements the junior counsel for the prosecution shook his head +vehemently, although he said nothing. This continual dumb contradiction +at length got on the customary patience of Mr. Muir, who blurted out: "I +do not know why my friend keeps shaking his head, whether it is that he +has palsy, or that there's nothing in it!" + +Mr. Baldwin was the counsel employed to oppose a person justifying bail +in the Court of King's Bench. After some common questions, a waggish +counsel sitting near suggested that the witness should be asked as to +his having been a prisoner in Gloucester gaol. Mr. Baldwin thereon +boldly asked: "When, sir, were you last in Gloucester gaol?" The +witness, a respectable tradesman, with astonishment declared that he +never was in a gaol in his life. Mr. Baldwin being foiled after putting +the question in various ways, turned round to his friendly prompter, and +asked for what the man had been imprisoned. He was told that it was for +suicide. Thereupon Mr. Baldwin, with great gravity and solemnity +addressed the witness: "Now, sir, I ask you upon your oath, and remember +that I shall have your words taken down, were you not imprisoned in +Gloucester gaol for suicide?" + +A young lawyer who had just "taken the coif," once said to Samuel +Warren, the author of _Ten Thousand a Year_: "Hah! Warren, I never could +manage to get quite through that novel of yours. What did you do with +Oily Gammon?"--"Oh," replied Warren, "I made a serjeant of him, and of +course he never was heard of afterwards." + +[Illustration: SAMUEL WARREN, Q.C., MASTER IN LUNACY.] + + * * * * * + +Warner Sleigh, a great thieves' counsel, was not debarred by etiquette +from taking instructions direct from his clients. One day, following a +rap on the door of his chambers in Middle Temple Lane, a thick-set man, +with cropped poll of unmistakably Newgate cut, slunk into the room, when +the following colloquy took place. + +"Mornin', sir," said the man, touching his forelock. "Morning," replied +counsel. "What do you want?"--"Well, sir, I'm sorry to say, sir, our +little Ben, sir, has 'ad a misfortin'; fust offence, sir, only a +'wipe'--"--"Well, well!" interrupted counsel. "Get on."--"So, sir, we +thought as you've 'ad all the family business we'd like you to defend +'im, sir."--"All right," said counsel; "see my clerk--."--"Yessir," +continued the thief; "but I thought I'd like to make sure you'd attend +yourself, sir; we're anxious, 'cos it's little Ben, our youngest +kid."--"Oh! that will be all right. Give Simmons the fee."--"Well, sir," +continued the man, shifting about uneasily, "I was going to arst you, +sir, to take a little less. You see, sir (wheedlingly), it's little +Ben--his first misfortin'."--"No, no," said the counsel impatiently. +"Clear out!"--"But, sir, you've 'ad all our business. Well, sir, if you +won't, you won't, so I'll pay you now, sir." And as he doled out the +guineas: "I may as well tell you, sir, you wouldn't 'a' got the +'couties' if I 'adn't 'ad a little bit o' luck on the way." + +The gravity of the Court of Appeal was once seriously disturbed by +Edward Bullen reading to them the following paragraph from a pleading in +an action for seduction: "The defendant denies that he is the father of +the said twins, _or of either of them_." This he apologetically +explained was due to an accident in his pupil-room, but everyone +recognised the style of the master-hand. + + * * * * * + +Serjeant Adams, who acted as assistant judge at the sessions, had a very +pleasant wit, and knew how to deal with any counsel who took to +"high-falutin." On one occasion, after an altercation with the judge, +the counsel for the prisoner in his address to the jury reminded them +that "they were the great palladium of British Liberty--that it was +_their_ province to deal with the facts, the _judge_ with the law--that +they formed one of the great institutions of their country, and that +they came in with William the Conqueror." Adams at the end of his +summing up said: "Gentlemen, you will want to retire to consider your +verdict, and as it seems you came in with the Conqueror you can now go +out with the beadle." + +There was always a mystery how Edwin James, who at the Bar was earning +an income of at least L10,000 a year, was continually in monetary +difficulties. Like Sir Thomas Lawrence, he must have had some private +drain on his resources which was never disclosed. Among others who +suffered was the landlord of his chambers, whose rent was very much in +arrear. In the end the landlord hit upon a plan to discover which would +be the best method of recovering his rent, and one day asked James to +advise him on a legal matter in which he was interested, and thereupon +drew up a statement of his grievance against his own tenant. The paper +was duly returned to the landlord next day with the following sentence +subjoined: "In my opinion this is a case which admits of only one +remedy--patience. Edwin James." + +In a case before Lord Campbell, James took a line with a witness which +his lordship considered quite inadmissible, and stopped him. When +summing up to the jury Lord Campbell thought to soften his interruption +by saying: "You will have observed, gentlemen, that I felt it my duty to +stop Mr. Edwin James in a certain line which he sought to adopt in the +cross-examination of one of the witnesses; but at the same time I had no +intention to cast any reflection on the learned counsel who I am sure is +known to you all as a most able--" but before his lordship could proceed +any further James interposed, and in a contemptuous voice exclaimed: "My +lord, I have borne your lordship's censure, spare me your lordship's +praise." + + * * * * * + +Mr. W. G. Thorpe, F.S.A., in his entertaining volume of _Middle Temple +Table Talk_, relates a curious story of a judge taking an extremely +personal interest in a case which was brought before him. A milk company +had sold off a lot of old stock to a cake-maker, and the cake-maker had +declined to pay because the milk had turned out to be poisonous. As the +case went on the judge became more and more exercised. "What do they do +with this stuff?" he asked, pointing to a mass of horrible mixture. "Oh, +my lord, they make cakes of it; it doesn't taste in the cakes."--"Where +do they sell these cakes?" was the judge's next question, and the reply +was, "They are used for certain railway stations, school-treats, and +excursions." Then the defendant specified one of the places. "Bless me!" +said the judge, turning an olive-green, "I had some there myself," and +with a shudder he retired to his private room, returning in a few +minutes wiping his mouth. + +There is another story of a counsel defending a woman on a charge of +causing the death of her husband by administering a poisoned cake to +him. "I'll eat some of the cake myself," he said in Court, and took a +bite. Just at this moment a telegram was brought to him to say that his +wife was seriously ill, and he obtained permission to leave in order to +answer the message. He returned, finished his speech, and obtained the +acquittal of his client. It transpired afterwards that the telegram +business was arranged in order that counsel could obtain an emetic +after swallowing the cake. + + * * * * * + +Mr. Montagu Williams tells a story, in his interesting _Leaves of a +Life_, of two members of the Bar, one of whom had made a large fortune +by his practice, but worked too hard to enjoy his gains, while the +other, who only made a decent living, liked to enjoy life. They met on +one occasion at the end of a long vacation, and the rich man asked his +less fortunate brother what he had been doing. "I have been on the +Continent," the other replied, "and I enjoyed my holiday very much. What +have you been doing?"--"I have been working," said the rich Q.C., "and +have not been out of town; I had lots of work to do."--"What is the use +of it?" queried the other; "you can't carry the money with you when you +die; and if you could, _it would soon melt_." + +From the same work we take the following story of Serjeant Ballantine. +On one occasion he was acting in a case with a Jewish solicitor, and it +happened that one of the hostile witnesses also belonged to the same +race. Just as the serjeant was about to examine him, the solicitor +whispered in Ballantine's ear: "Ask him as your first question, if he +isn't a Jew."--"Why, but you're a Jew yourself," said the serjeant in +some surprise. "Never mind, never mind," replied the little solicitor +eagerly. "Please do--just to prejudice the jury." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: JOHN ROMILLY, BARON ROMILLY, MASTER OF THE ROLLS.] + +No collection of the wit and humour of the Bar would be complete without +some specimens of Sir Frank Lockwood's racy sayings. From Mr. Augustine +Birrell's _Life of Lockwood_ we quote the following: + +"A tale is attached to Lockwood's first brief. It was on a petition to +the Master of the Rolls for payment out of Court of a sum of money; and +Lockwood appeared for an official liquidator of a company whose consent +had to be obtained before the Court would part with the fund. Lockwood +was instructed to consent, and his reward was to be three guineas on the +brief and one guinea for consultation. The petition came on in due +course before Lord Romilly, and was made plain to him by counsel for the +petitioner, and still a little plainer by counsel for the principal +respondent. + +"Then up rose Lockwood, an imposing figure, and indicated his appearance +in the case. + +"'What brings _you_ here?' said Lord Romilly, meaning, I presume, 'Why +need I listen to you?' + +"Lockwood looking puzzled, Lord Romilly added a little testily, 'What do +you come here for?' + +"The answer was immediate, unexpected, and, accompanied as it was by a +dramatic glance at the outside of his brief, as if to refresh his +memory, triumphant, 'Three and one, my lord!'" + +"The following letter is to Mrs. Atkinson: + + 1 HARE COURT, TEMPLE, E.C., LONDON. + _September 18, '72._ + + MY DEAR LOO,--I trust it is well with yourself, John, and the + childer.... It is an off-day. We are resting on our legal oars + after a prolonged and determined struggle yesterday. Know! + that near our native hamlet is the level of Hatfield Chase, + whereon are numerous drains. Our drain (speaking from the + Corporation of Hatfield Chase point of view) we have stopped, + for our own purposes. Consequently, the adjacent lands have + been flooded, are flooded, and will continue to be flooded. + The landed gentry wish us to remove our dam, saying that if we + don't they won't be worth a d--n. We answer that we don't care + a d--n. + + This interesting case has been simmering in the law-courts + since 1820. The landed gentry got a verdict in their favour at + the last Lincoln Assizes, but find themselves little the + better, as we have appealed, and our dam still reigns + triumphant. Yesterday an application was made to the judge to + order our dam to be removed. In the absence of Mellor, I + donned my forensic armour and did battle for the Corporation. + After two hours' hard fighting, we adjourned for a week; in + the meantime the floods may rise, and the winds blow. The + farmers yelled with rage when they heard that the dam had got + a week's respite. I rather fancy that they will yell louder on + Tuesday, as I hope to win another bloodless victory. It is a + pretty wanton sport, the cream of the joke being that the dam + is no good to us or to anybody else, and we have no real + objection to urge against its removal, excepting that such a + measure would be informal, and contrary to the law as laid + down some hundred years ago by an old gentleman who never + heard of a steam-engine, and who would have fainted at the + sight of a telegraph post. As we have the most money on our + side, I trust we shall win in the end. None of this useful + substance, however, comes my way, as it is Mellor's work. But + I hope to reap some advantage from it, both as to experience + and introduction. I make no apology for troubling you with + this long narration. I wish it to sink into your mind, and + into that of your good husband. Let it be a warning to you and + yours. And never by any chance become involved in any + difficulties which will bring you into a court of law of + higher jurisdiction than a police court. An occasional 'drunk + and disorderly' will do you no harm, and only cost you 5_s._ + Beyond a little indulgence of this kind--beware! In all + probability I shall be in the North in a few weeks. Sessions + commence next month. I will write to the Mum this week.--With + best love to all, I am, Your affectionate brother, + + FRANK LOCKWOOD." + +"Mr. Mellor vouches for the following story, which, as it illustrates +Lockwood's humour and had gone the round of the newspapers, I will tell. +It is the ancient custom of the new Lord Mayor of London, attended by +the Recorder and Sheriffs, to come into the law-courts and be introduced +to the Lord Chief Justice or, if he is not there, to the senior judge to +be found on the premises, and, after a little lecture from the Bench, to +return good for evil by inviting the judges to dinner, only to receive +the somewhat chilling answer, 'Some of their lordships will attend.' On +this occasion the ceremony was over, and the Lord Mayor and his retinue +was retiring from the Court, when his lordship's eye rested on Lockwood, +who in a new wig was one of the throng by the door. 'Ah, my young +friend!' said the Lord Mayor in a pompous way (for in those days there +was no London County Council to teach Lord Mayors humility); 'picking up +a little law, I suppose?' Lockwood had his answer ready. With a profound +bow, he replied: 'I shall be delighted to accept your lordship's +hospitality. I think I heard your lordship name seven as the hour.' The +Lord Mayor hurried out of Court, and even the policeman (and to the +police Lord Mayors are almost divine) shook with laughter." + +Counsel sometimes find their position so weak that their only hope of +damaging the other side lies in ridiculing their witnesses. Serjeant +Parry on one occasion was defending a client against a claim for breach +of promise of marriage made a few hours after a chance meeting in Regent +Street. According to the lady's story the introduction had been effected +through the gentleman offering to protect her from a dog. In course of +cross-examination Parry said: "You say you were alarmed at two dogs +fighting, madam?"--"No, no, it was a single dog," was the reply. "What +you mean, madam," retorted Parry, "is that there was only one dog; but +whether it was a single dog or a married dog you are not in a position +to say." With this correction it need not be wondered that the lady had +little more to say. + +A learned counsellor in the midst of an affecting appeal in Court on a +slander case delivered himself of the following flight of genius. +"Slander, gentlemen, like a boa constrictor of gigantic size and +immeasurable proportions, wraps the coil of its unwieldy body about its +unfortunate victim, and, heedless of the shrieks of agony that come from +the utmost depths of its victim's soul, loud and reverberating as the +night thunder that rolls in the heavens, it finally breaks its unlucky +neck upon the iron wheel of public opinion; forcing him first to +desperation, then to madness, and finally crushing him in the hideous +jaws of mortal death." + +Talking of his early days at the Bar, Mr. Thomas Edward Crispe, in +_Reminiscences of a K.C._, relates how on one occasion he was opposed by +a somewhat eccentric counsel named Wharton, known in his day as the +"Poet of Pump Court." The case was really a simple one, but Wharton made +so much of it that when the luncheon half-hour came the judge, Mr. +Justice Archibald, with some emphasis, addressing Mr. Wharton, said: "We +will now adjourn, and, Mr. Wharton, I hope you will take the opportunity +of conferring with your friend Mr. Crispe and settling the matter out of +Court." + +But Wharton would not agree to this, and when at last he had to address +the jury, he, in the course of his speech, made the following remarks, +for every word of which Mr. Crispe vouches: + +"Gentlemen, I think it only courteous to the learned judge to refer to +the advice his lordship gave me to settle the matter out of Court. That +reminds me of a case, tried in a country court, in an action for +detention of a donkey. The plaintiff was a costermonger and the +defendant a costermonger; they conducted the case in person. At one +o'clock the judge said: 'Now, my men, I'm going to have my lunch, and +before I come back I hope you'll settle your dispute out of Court.' When +he returned the plaintiff came in with a black eye and the defendant +with a bleeding nose, and the defendant said: 'Well, your honour, we've +taken your honour's advice; Jim's given me a good hiding, and I've +given him back his donkey.'" + +Mr. F. E. Smith, M.P., tells a story of a County Court case he was once +engaged in, in which the plaintiff's son, a lad of eight years, was to +appear as a witness. + +When the youngster entered the box he wore boots several sizes too +large, a hat that almost hid his face, long trousers rolled up so that +the baggy knees were at his ankles, and, to complete the picture, a +swallow-tail coat that had to be held to keep it from sweeping the +floor. This ludicrous picture was too much for the Court; but the judge, +between his spasms of laughter, managed to ask the boy his reason for +appearing in such garb. + +With wondering look the lad fished in an inner pocket and hauled the +summons from it, pointing out a sentence with solemn mien as he did so: +"To appear in his father's suit" it read. + + * * * * * + +There have been few readier men in retort than the late Mr. Francis +Oswald, the author of _Oswald on Contempt of Court_. After a stiff +breeze in a Chancery Court, the judge snapped out, "Well, I can't teach +you manners, Mr. Oswald."--"That is so, m'lud, that is so," replied the +imperturbable one. On another occasion, an irascible judge observed, "If +you say another word, Mr. Oswald, I'll commit you."--"That raises +another point--as to your lordship's power to commit counsel engaged in +arguing before you," was the cool answer. + +The author of _Pie Powder_ in his entertaining volume, tells us that he +was once dining with a barrister who had just taken silk. In the course +of after-dinner talk, the new K.C. invited his friend to tell him what +he considered was his (the K.C.'s) chief fault in style. After some +considerable hesitation his friend admitted that he thought the K.C. +erred occasionally in being too long. This apparently somewhat annoyed +the K.C., and his friend feeling he had perhaps spoken too freely, +thought he would smooth matters by inviting similar criticism of himself +from the K.C., who at once replied, "My dear boy, I don't think really +you have any fault. _Except, you know, you are so d--d offensive._" + +A judge and a facetious lawyer conversing on the subject of the +transmigration of souls, the judge said, "If you and I were turned into +a horse and an ass, which of them would you prefer to be?"--"The ass, to +be sure," replied the lawyer.--"Why?"--"Because," replied the lawyer, "I +have heard of an ass being a judge, but of a horse, never." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SERJEANT TALFOURD.] + +In some cases counsel receive answers to questions which they had no +business to put, and these, if not quite to their liking, are what they +justly deserve. The following story of George Clarke, a celebrated +negro minstrel, is a case in point. On one occasion, when being examined +as a witness, he was severely interrogated by a lawyer. "You are in the +minstrel business, I believe?" inquired the lawyer. "Yes, sir," was the +reply. "Is not that rather a low calling?"--"I don't know but what it +is, sir," replied the minstrel; "but it is so much better than my +father's that I am rather proud of it." The lawyer fell into the trap. +"What was your father's calling?" he inquired. "He was a lawyer," +replied Clarke, in a tone that sent the whole Court into a roar of +laughter as the discomfited lawyer sat down. + +At the Durham Assizes an action was tried which turned out to have been +brought by one neighbour against another for a trifling matter. The +plaintiff was a deaf old lady, and after a pause the judge suggested +that the counsel should get his client to compromise it, and to ask her +what she would take to settle it. Very loudly counsel shouted out to his +client: "His lordship wants to know what you will take?" She at once +replied: "I thank his lordship kindly, and if it's no ill convenience to +him, I'll take a little _warm ale_." + +A tailor sent his bill to a lawyer, and a message to ask for payment. +The lawyer bid the messenger tell his master that he was not running +away, and was very busy at the time. The messenger returned and said he +must have the money. The lawyer testily answered, "Did you tell your +master that I was not running away?"--"Yes, I did, sir; but he bade me +tell you that _he was_." + +A well-known barrister at the criminal Bar, who prided himself upon his +skill in cross-examining a witness, had an odd-looking witness upon whom +to operate. "You say, sir, that the prisoner is a thief?"--"Yes, +sir--'cause why, she confessed it."--"And you also swear she did some +repairs for you subsequent to the confession?"--"I do, sir."--"Then," +giving a knowing look at the Court, "we are to understand that you +employ dishonest people to work for you, even after their rascalities +are known?"--"Of course! How else could I get assistance from a +lawyer?"--"Stand down!" shouted the man of law. + + * * * * * + +At Worcester Assizes, a cause was tried as to the soundness of a horse, +and a clergyman had been a witness, who gave a very confused account of +the transaction, and the matters he spoke to. A blustering counsel on +the other side, after many attempts to get at the facts, said: "Pray, +sir, do you know the difference between a horse and a cow?"--"I +acknowledge my ignorance," replied the clergyman. "I hardly know the +difference between a horse and a cow, or between a bully and a bull. +Only a bull, I am told, has horns, and a bully," bowing respectfully to +the counsel, "_luckily for me, has none_." + +"In Court one day," says Mr. W. Andrews in _The Lawyer_, "I heard the +following sharp encounter between a witness and an exceedingly irascible +old-fashioned solicitor who, among other things, hated the modern custom +of growing a beard or moustache. He himself grew side-whiskers in the +most approved style of half a century ago. "Speak up, witness," he +shouted, "and don't stand mumbling there. If you would shave off that +unsightly moustache we might be better able to hear what was coming out +of your lips." "And if you, sir," said the witness quietly, "would shave +off those side-whiskers you would enable my words to reach your ears."" + +"My friend," said an irritable lawyer, "you are an ass."--"Do you mean, +sir," asked the witness, "that I am your friend because I am an ass, or +an ass because I am your friend?" + + * * * * * + +Counsel sometimes comes to grief in dealing with experts. "Do you," +asked one of a scientist, "know of a substance called Sulphonylic +Diazotised Sesqui Oxide of Aldehyde?" and he looked round triumphantly. +"Certainly," came the reply. "It is analogous in diatomic composition of +Para Sulpho Benzine Azode Methyl Aniline in conjunction with +Phehekatoline." Counsel said he would pursue the matter no further. + +An action was brought by the owner of a donkey which was forced against +a wall by a waggon and killed. The driver of the donkey was the chief +witness, and was much bullied by Mr. Raine, the defendant's counsel, so +that he lost his head and was reprimanded by the judge for not giving +direct answers, and looking the jury in the face. Mr. Raine had a +powerful cast in his eye, which probably heightened the poor fellow's +confusion; and he continued to deal very severely with the witness, +reminding him again and again of the judge's caution, saying: "Hold up +your head, man: look up, I say. Can't you hold up your head, fellow? +Can't you look as I do?" The witness, with much simplicity, at once +answered, "I can't, you squint." On re-examination, Serjeant Cockle for +the plaintiff, seeing gleams of the witness's recovery from his +confusion, asked him to describe the position of the waggon and the +donkey. After much pressing, at last he said, "Well, my lord judge, I'll +tell you as how it happened." Turning to Cockle, he said, "You'll +suppose ye are the wall."--"Aye, aye, just so, go on. I am the wall, +very good."--"Yes, sir, you are the wall." Then changing his position a +little, he said, "I am the waggon."--"Yes, very good; now proceed, you +are the waggon," said the judge. The witness then looked to the judge, +and hesitating at first, but with a low bow and a look of sudden +despair, said, "And your lordship's the ass!" + +Serjeant Cockle, who had a rough, blustering manner, once got from a +witness more than he gave. In a trial of a right of fishery, he asked +the witness: "Dost thou love fish?"--"Aye," replied the witness, with a +grin, "but I donna like cockle sauce with it." The learned serjeant was +not pleased with the roar of laughter which followed the remark. + + * * * * * + +Mr. H. L. Adam in _The Story of Crime_ says he remembers a very amusing +incident in one of our police courts. A prisoner had engaged a solicitor +to defend him, and while the latter was speaking on his behalf he +suddenly broke in with, "Why, he dunno wot the devil he's talking +abaht!" Thereupon the magistrate informed him that if he was +dissatisfied with his advocate's capabilities, he could, if he chose, +defend himself. This he elected to do, and in the end was acquitted, the +magistrate remarking that had the case been left to counsel he would +unquestionably have been convicted. + +In cross-examining a witness, says Judge Parry in _What the Judge Saw_, +who had described the effects of an accident, was confronted by counsel +with his statement, and asked, "But hadn't you told the doctor that +your thigh was numb and had no feeling?"--"What's the good o' telling +him anything," replied the witness. "That's where doctor made a mistake. +I told 'im I was numb i' front, and what does he do but go and stick a +pin into my back-side. 'E's no doctor." + +From the same source is the following story. Another man was testifying +to an accident that had occurred to him at the works where he was +employed. It was sought to prove that his testimony was false because he +had a holiday that day, and this poser was put to him: "Do you mean to +tell the Court that you came to work when you might have been enjoying a +holiday?"--"Certainly."--"Why did you do that?" The reply was too +obviously truthful. "What should I do? I have nowhere to go. I'm +teetotal now." + +A Jew had been condemned to be hanged, and was brought to the gallows +along with a fellow prisoner; but on the road, before reaching the place +of execution, a reprieve arrived for the Jew. When informed of this, it +was expected that he would instantly leave the cart in which he was +conveyed, but he remained and saw his fellow prisoner hanged. Being +asked why he did not at once go about his business, he said, "He was +waiting to see if he could bargain with Mr. Ketch for the _other +gentleman's clothes_!" + + * * * * * + +A sign-painter presented his bill to a lawyer for payment. After +examining it the lawyer said, "Do you expect any painter will go to +heaven if they make such charges as these?"--"I never heard of but one +that went," said the painter, "and he behaved so badly that they +determined to turn him out, but there being no lawyer present to draw up +the Writ of Ejectment, he remained." + +This must be the lawyer who, being refused entrance to heaven by St. +Peter, contrived to throw his hat inside the door; and then, being +permitted to go and fetch it, took advantage of the Saint being fixed to +his post as doorkeeper and refused to come back again. + +A solicitor who was known to occasionally exceed the limit at lunch +betrayed so much unsteadiness that the magistrate quickly observed, "I +think, Mr. ----, you are not quite well, perhaps you had a little too +much wine at lunch."--"Quite a mistake, your worship," hiccoughed Mr. +----. "It was brandy and water." + +The son-in-law of a Chancery barrister having succeeded to the lucrative +practice of the latter, came one morning in breathless haste to inform +him that he had succeeded in bringing nearly to its termination a cause +which had been pending in the Court for several years. Instead of +obtaining the expected congratulations of the retired veteran of the +law, his intelligence was received with indignation. "It was by this +suit," exclaimed he, "that my father was enabled to provide for me, and +to portion your wife, and with the exercise of common prudence it would +have furnished you with the means of providing handsomely for your +children and grandchildren." + + + + +CHAPTER THREE + +THE JUDGES OF IRELAND + + + "So slow is justice in its ways + Beset by more than customary clogs, + Going to law in these expensive days + Is much the same as going to the dogs." + + WILLOCK: _Legal Facetiae_. + + + + +CHAPTER THREE + +THE JUDGES OF IRELAND + + +In the days of Queen Anne corruption was rife among Irish judges, as it +was also among members of the Scottish Bench at an earlier period, and +it was not uncommon to find the former concurring in Privy Council +reports issued contrary to evidence. Within the area of the Munster +Circuit in the early years of the eighteenth century a petition was +signed and presented to Parliament by clergy, resident gentry, and +others in the district, because Lord Chancellor Phipps refused to be +influenced in his decision of cases coming before him, and had thereby +incurred the displeasure of a certain section of the Irish Parliament. +Even a Lord Chief Justice was not above taking a gift; and in this +connection O'Flanagan in _The Munster Circuit_ tells a story of Chief +Justice Pyne, who was a great cattle-breeder and owner of valuable +stock. One day before starting for Cork Assizes to try a case in which a +Mr. Weller and a Mr. Nangle were concerned, he received a visit from the +former's steward, who had been sent with a herd of twenty-five splendid +heifers for his lordship. The judge was highly pleased, and returned by +the steward a gracious message of thanks to his master. On the way to +Cork the Chief Justice's coach was stopped by a drove of valuable +shorthorns on the road. Looking out, his lordship demanded of the +drover, "Whose beasts are these, my man?"--"They belong, please your +honour, to a great gentleman of these parts, Judge Pyne, your honour," +replied the man. "Indeed," cried the Chief Justice in much surprise, +"and where are you taking them now?"--"They are grazing in my master Mr. +Nangle's farm, your honour; and as the Assizes are coming on at Cork my +master thought the judge might like to see that he took good care of +them, so I'm taking them to Waterpark (his lordship's estate) to show to +the judge." The judge felt the delicacy of Mr. Nangle's mode of giving +his present, and putting a guinea in the drover's hand said, "As your +master has taken such good care of my cattle, I will take care of him." +When the case came on it appeared at first that the judge favoured the +plaintiff, Mr. Weller, but as it proceeded he changed his views and +finally decided for the defendant, Mr. Nangle. On arriving home the +judge's first question was, "Are the cattle all safe?"--"Perfectly, my +lord."--"Where are the beasts I received on leaving for the Cork +Assizes?"--"They are where you left them, my lord."--"Where I left +them--that is impossible," exclaimed the judge. "I left them on the +road." The steward looked puzzled. "I'll have a look at them myself," +said Chief Justice Pyne. The steward led the way, and pointed out the +twenty-five fine heifers presented by Mr. Weller, the plaintiff. "But +where are the shorthorns that came after I left home?"--"Bedad, the +long and the short of it is, them's all the cattle on the land, except +what we have bred ourselves, my lord." And so it was. Mr. Nangle, the +defendant, had so arranged his gift to meet the judge on the road, but +as soon as his lordship's coach was out of sight the cattle were driven +back to their familiar fields. The Chief Justice had been outwitted and +had no power of showing resentment. + +In the manners and customs of the legal profession of Ireland in the +latter part of the eighteenth century, there is also a strong similarity +between the members of the Scottish Bench and their Irish brethren, in +that they were heavy port drinkers; and did not hesitate to indulge in +it while sitting on the Bench. It is reported of one Irish judge that he +had a specially constructed metal tube like a penholder, through which +he sucked his favourite liquor, from what appeared to the audience to be +a metal inkstand. Another judge on being asked if, at a social +gathering, he had seen a learned brother dance, "Yes," he replied, "I +saw him in a _reel_"; while Curran referring to a third judge, who had +condemned a prisoner to death, said, "He did not weep, but he had a drop +in his eye." + + * * * * * + +Unblushing effrontery and a bronzed visage gained for John Scott (Lord +Clonmel) while at the Bar the sobriquet of "Copper-faced Jack." He took +the popular side in politics, which ordinarily would not have led to +promotion in his profession; but his outstanding ability attracted the +attention of Lord Chancellor Lifford, and through his influence Scott +was offered a place under the Government. On accepting it at the hands +of Lord Townshend, he said, "My lord, you have spoiled a good patriot." +Some time after he met Flood, a co-patriot, and addressed him: "Well, I +suppose you will be abusing me as usual." To which Flood replied: "When +I began to abuse you, you were a briefless barrister; by abuse I made +you counsel to the revenue, by abuse I got you a silk gown, by abuse I +made you Solicitor-General, by abuse I may make you Chief Justice. No, +Scott, I'll praise you." + +When Lord Clonmel was Lord Chief Justice he upheld the undignified +practice of demanding a shilling for administering an oath, and used to +be well satisfied, provided the coin was a _good one_. In his time the +Birmingham shilling was current, and he used the following extraordinary +precautions to avoid being imposed upon by taking a bad one. "You shall +true answer make to such questions as shall be demanded of you touching +this affidavit, so help you God! _Is this a good shilling?_ Are the +contents of this affidavit true? Is this your name and handwriting?" + + * * * * * + +The family of Henn belonging to Clare have been, generation after +generation, since the first of the name became Chief Baron in 1679, +connected with the Irish Bench and Bar. William Henn, a descendant of +the Chief Baron, was made a Judge of the King's Bench in 1767, and when +on Circuit at Wexford in 1789 two young barristers contended before him +with great zeal and pertinacity, each flatly contradicting the other as +to the law of the case; and both at each turn of the argument again and +again referred with exemplary confidence to the learned judge, as so +well knowing that what was said by him (the speaker) was right. The +judge said, "Well, gentlemen, can I settle this matter between you? You, +sir, say positively the law is one way; and you, sir (turning to the +opponent), as unequivocally say it is the other way. I wish to God, +Billy Harris (leaning over and addressing the registrar who sat beneath +him), I knew what the law really was!"--"My lord," replied Billy Harris, +rising, and turning round with great gravity and respect, "if I +possessed that knowledge, I assure your lordship that I would tell your +lordship with great pleasure!"--"Then," exclaimed the judge, "we'll save +the point, Billy Harris!" + +Although more appropriate in the following chapter, we may here +introduce a story of the younger son of the Judge Henn of the previous +story. Jonathan, who was more distinguished than his elder +brother--another Judge Henn--did not attain to the Bench. In early +years he was indifferent whether briefs were given him or not, and +indeed on one occasion he is said to have sent a message to the +Attorney-General, who had called to engage him in a case, to keep "his +d--d brief and to take himself to the d--l." But later he became very +industrious, and his natural ability soon brought him into a large and +lucrative practice. He was counsel for the Government at the trial of +John Mitchell, and at its close the wags of the Court declared that +"Judge Moore _spoke_ to the evidence, but Jonathan Henn _charged the +jury_." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HUGH CARLETON, VISCOUNT CARLETON, LORD CHIEF JUSTICE OF +IRELAND.] + +Chief Justice Carleton was a most lugubrious judge, and was always +complaining of something or other, but chiefly about the state of his +health, so that Curran remarked that it was strange the old judge was +_plaintive_ in every case tried before him. + +One day his lordship came into Court very late, looking very woeful. He +apologised to the Bar for being obliged to adjourn the Court at once and +dismiss the jury for that day. "Though," his lordship added, "I am aware +that an important issue stands for trial. But, the fact is, gentlemen +(addressing the Bar in a low tone of voice and somewhat confidentially), +I have met with a domestic misfortune, which has altogether deranged my +nerves. Poor Lady Carleton has, most unfortunately, miscarried, +and--." "Oh, then, my lord," exclaimed Curran, "I am sure we are all +quite satisfied your lordship has done right in deciding there is no +_issue_ to try to-day." His lordship smiled a ghastly smile, and, +retiring, thanked the Bar for their sympathy. + + * * * * * + +Judge Foster was trying five prisoners for murder, and misunderstood the +drift of the evidence. Four of the prisoners seem to have assisted, but +a witness said as to the fifth, Denis Halligan, that it was he who gave +the fatal blow: "My lord, I saw Denis Halligan (that's in the dock +there) take a vacancy (Irish word for 'aim' at an unguarded part) at the +poor soul that's kilt, and give him a wipe with a _clehalpin_ (Irish +word for 'bludgeon'), and lay him down as quiet as a child." They were +found guilty. The judge, sentencing the first four, gave them seven +years' imprisonment. But when he came to Halligan, who really killed the +deceased, the judge said, "Denis Halligan, I have purposely reserved the +consideration of your case to the last. Your crime is doubtless of a +grievous nature, yet I cannot avoid taking into consideration the +mitigating circumstances that attend it. By the evidence of the witness +it clearly appears that _you_ were the only one of the party who showed +any mercy to the unfortunate deceased. You took him to a vacant seat, +and wiped him with a clean napkin, and you laid him down with the +gentleness one shows to a little child. In consideration of these +extenuating circumstances, which reflect some credit upon you, I shall +inflict upon you three weeks' imprisonment." So Denis Halligan got off +by the judge mistaking a vacancy for a vacant seat, and a _clehalpin_ +for a clean napkin. + +John Toler (Lord Norbury) was Chief Justice of the Common Pleas in +Ireland. His humour was broad, and his absolute indifference to +propriety often saved the situation by converting a serious matter into +a wholly ludicrous one. His Court was in constant uproar, owing to his +noisy jesting, and like a noted old Scottish judge he would have his +joke when the life of a human being was hanging in the balance. Even on +his own deathbed he could not resist the impulse. On hearing that his +friend Lord Erne was also nearing his end at the same time, he called +for his valet: "James," said Lord Norbury, "run round to Lord Erne and +tell him with my compliments that it will be a _dead_-heat between us." + +The best illustration of the almost daily condition of things when Lord +Norbury presided at Nisi Prius is given by himself in his reply to the +answer of a witness. "What is your business?" asked the judge. "I keep a +_racquet-court_, my lord."--"So do I, so do I," immediately exclaimed +the judge. Nor did he reserve his _bon mots_ for Court merriment. +Passing the Quay on his way to the Four Courts one morning, he noticed a +crowd and inquired of a bystander the cause of it. On being told that a +tailor had just been rescued from attempted suicide by drowning, his +lordship exclaimed, "What a fool to leave his _hot goose_ for a _cold +duck_." The boastful statement of a gentleman in his company that he had +shot seventy hares before breakfast drew from the Chief Justice the +sarcastic remark, "I suppose, sir, you fired at a wig." + +A son of a peer having been accused of arson, of which offence he was +generally believed guilty, but acquitted on a point of insufficiency of +evidence to sustain the indictment, was tried before Lord Norbury. The +young gentleman met the judge next at the Lord-Lieutenant's levee in the +Castle. Instead of avoiding the Chief Justice, the scion of nobility +boldly said, "I have recently married, and have come here to enable me +to present my bride at the Drawing-Room."--"Quite right to mind the +Scripture. Better marry than burn," retorted Lord Norbury. + +A barrister once pressed him to non-suit the plaintiff in a case; but +his lordship decided to let it go to a jury trial. "I do believe," said +the disappointed advocate, "your lordship has not the _courage to +non-suit_."--"You say, sir," replied the irate judge, "you don't believe +I'd have the courage to non-suit. I tell you I have courage to _shoot_ +and to _non-shoot_, but I'll not non-suit for you." This same counsel +was once horsewhipped by an army officer at Nelson's Pillar in Sackville +Street, and applied for a Criminal Information against his assailant. +"Certainly he shall have it," said the witty judge. "The Court is bound +to give protection to any one who has _bled under the gallant Nelson_." + +On a motion before this judge, a sheriff's officer, who had the +hardihood to serve a process in Connemara, where the king's writ _did +not run_, swore that the natives made him eat and swallow both copy and +original. Norbury, affecting great disgust, exclaimed: "Jackson, +Jackson, I hope it's not made returnable into this Court." + +While giving a judgment on a writ of right, Lord Norbury observed that +it was not sufficient for a demandant to say he "claimed by descent." +"Such an answer," he continued, "would be a shrewd one for a sweep, who +got into your house by coming down the chimney; and it would be an easy, +as well as a sweeping, way of getting in." + +His lordship was attacked by a fit of gout when on Circuit, and sent to +the Solicitor-General requesting the loan of a pair of large slippers. +"Take them," said the Solicitor to the servant, "with my respects, and I +hope soon to be in his lordship's shoes." + +At the instigation of O'Connell, Lord Norbury was finally removed from +the Bench. A flagrant case of partiality was brought to Lord Brougham's +notice which exasperated Lord Norbury, and he is reported to have said, +"I'll resign to demand satisfaction. That Scottish Broom wants to be +made acquainted with an Irish stick." + + * * * * * + +Two notorious highwaymen were charged before Chief Baron O'Grady with +robbery, and to the surprise of all the jury returned a verdict of not +guilty. "Mr. Murphy," said the judge to the gaoler, "you will greatly +ease my mind by keeping these two respectable gentlemen in custody until +seven o'clock. I leave for Dublin at five, and I should like to have at +least two hours' start of them." There is also the story of a barrister +who made an eloquent speech and got his client off, but he was very +anxious to know whether the prisoner was guilty or not. "Well, sir," +said the man when applied to, "to tell the truth I thought I was guilty +until I heard you speak, and then I didn't see how I could be." This at +once recalls an old story. "Prisoner, I understand you confess your +guilt," said the judge. "No, I don't," said the prisoner. "My counsel +has convinced me of my innocence." + +On hearing that some spendthrift barristers, friends of his, were +appointed to be Commissioners of Insolvent Debtors the Chief Baron +remarked, "At all events, the insolvents can't complain of not being +tried by their peers." It was the same judge who caustically observed, +after a long and dull legal argument: "I agree with my brother J----, +for the reasons given by my brother M----." A prisoner once was given a +practical specimen of his lordship's wit, and must have been rather +distressed by it. He was passing sentence upon a pickpocket, and +ordering a punishment common at that time. "You will be whipped from +North Gate to South Gate," said the judge. "Bad luck to you, you old +blackguard," said the prisoner. "--And back again," said the Chief +Baron, as if he had been interrupted in the delivery of the sentence. + +A cause of much celebrity was tried at a county Assize, at which Chief +Baron O'Grady presided. Bushe, then a K.C., who held a brief for the +defence, was pleading the cause of his client with much eloquence, when +a donkey in the courtyard outside set up a loud bray. "One at a time, +brother Bushe!" called out his lordship. Peals of laughter filled the +Court. The counsel bore the interruption as best he could. The judge was +proceeding to sum up with his usual ability: the donkey again began to +bray. "I beg your lordship's pardon," said Bushe, putting his hand to +his ear; "but there is such an echo in the Court that I can't hear a +word you say." + +In his charges to juries, O'Grady frequently made some quaint remarks. +There was a Kerry case in which a number of men were indicted for riot +and assault. Several of them bore the familiar names of O'Donoghue, +Moriarty, Duggan, &c., while among the jurymen these names were also +found. Well knowing that consanguinity was prevalent in the district, +the judge began his address to the jury with the significant remark: "Of +course, gentlemen, you will acquit your own relatives." In another case +of larceny of pantaloons which was clearly proved, but in which the +thief got a good character for honesty, he began: "Gentlemen, the +prisoner was an honest boy, but he stole the pantaloons." + +"I merely wish to address your lordship on the form of the indictment, +if your lordship pleases," said a young barrister to the Chief Baron. +"Oh, certainly, I will hear you with mighty great pleasure, sir; but +I'll be after taking the verdict of the jury first," was the sarcastic +reply. + +The brother of Chief Baron O'Grady once caught a boy stealing turnips +from one of his fields and asked his lordship if the culprit could be +prosecuted under the Timber Acts. "No," said the Chief Baron, "unless +you can prove that your turnips are sticky." + + * * * * * + +Yelverton, first Baron Avonmore, possessed remarkable rhetorical +ability and a highly cultivated mind. He rose rapidly at the Bar, until +he became Chief Baron of Exchequer. He was the founder of the convivial +order of St. Patrick, called "The Monks of the Screw," of which Curran, +who wrote its charter song, was Prior. Avonmore was a man of warm and +benevolent feelings, which he gave vent to in an equal degree in private +life, in the senate, and on the Bench. + +Before giving an anecdote of Lord Avonmore it may interest readers, +especially English and Scottish, to quote here the charter song of this +famous Irish convivial club of the eighteenth century. + + THE CHARTER SONG OF THE + MONKS OF THE SCREW + + When St. Patrick this order establish'd, + He called us the "Monks of the Screw"! + Good rules he reveal'd to our Abbot, + To guide us in what we should do. + But first he replenish'd our fountain, + With liquor the best in the sky; + And he swore on the word of a saint + That the fountain should never run dry. + + Each year when your octaves approach, + In full chapter convened let me find you, + And when to the convent you come + Leave your favourite temptation behind you; + And be not a glass in your convent, + Unless on a festival found; + And this rule to enforce I ordain it, + Our festival all the year round. + + My brethren, be chaste till you're tempted; + While sober be grave and discreet; + And humble your bodies with fasting, + As oft as you've nothing to eat. + Yet, in honour of fasting, one lean face + Among you I'll always require, + If the Abbot should please he may wear it-- + If not, let it come to the Prior. + +The last two lines hit off the appearance of the Abbot, a Mr. Doyle, and +of the Prior, J. P. Curran. The former was a big burly man with a fat, +jovial face, while Curran was a short and particularly spare man whose +"lean face" always attracted attention. + +On a Lent Circuit, one of the Assize towns happened to be a place, of +which one of Lord Avonmore's college contemporaries held a living: at +his own request, the Chief Baron's reverend friend preached the Assize +sermon. The time being the month of March the weather was cold, the +judge was chilled, and unhappily the sermon was long, and the preacher +tedious. After the discourse was over, the preacher descended from the +pulpit and approached the judge, smirking and smiling, looking fully +satisfied with his own exertions, and expecting to receive the +compliments and congratulations of his quondam chum. "Well, my lord," +he asked, "and how did you like the sermon?"--"Oh! most wonderfully," +replied Avonmore. "It was like the peace of God--it passed all +understanding; and--like his mercy--I thought it would have endured for +ever." + + * * * * * + +When Plunket was at the Bar his great friend and rival was C. K. Bushe. +The former was Attorney-General at the same time as the latter was +Solicitor-General, and it caused him much dissatisfaction when Plunket +learned that on a change of Government Solicitor-General Bushe had not +followed his example and resigned office. At the time this occurred both +barristers happened to be engaged in a case at which, when it was +called, Bushe only appeared. On the judge inquiring of Mr. Bushe if he +knew the reason of Mr. Plunket's absence his friend jocosely remarked, +"I suppose, my lord, he is Cabinet-making." This pleasantry, at his +expense, was told to Plunket by a friend, when he arrived in Court, on +which, turning to the judge, the ex-Attorney-General proudly said, "I +assure your lordship I am not so well qualified for Cabinet-making as my +learned friend. I never was either a _turner_ or a _joiner_." + +Two eminent Irish astronomers differed in an argument on the parallax of +a lyrae--the one maintaining that it was three seconds, and the other +that it was only two seconds. On being told of this discussion, and +that the astronomers parted without arriving at an agreement, Plunket +quietly remarked: "It must be a very serious quarrel indeed, when even +the seconds cannot agree." + +Once applying the common expression to accommodation bills of exchange, +that they were _mere kites_, the judge, an English Chancellor, said "he +never heard that expression applied before to any but the kites of +boys."--"Oh," replied Plunket, "that's the difference between kites in +England and in Ireland. In England the wind raises the kite, but in +Ireland the kite raises the wind." + +Everybody (says Phillips) knew how acutely Plunket felt his forced +resignation of the chancellorship, and his being superseded by Lord +Campbell. A violent storm arose on the day of Campbell's expected +arrival, and a friend remarking to Plunket how sick of his promotion the +passage must have made the new Chancellor: "Yes," said the former, +ruefully, "but it won't make him throw up the seals." + + * * * * * + +Mr. Frankfort Moore, in his _Journalist's Notebook_, relates how Justice +Lawson summed up in the case of a man who was charged with stealing a +pig. The evidence of the theft was quite conclusive, and, in fact, was +not combated; but the prisoner called the priests and neighbours to +attest to his good character. "Gentlemen of the jury," said the judge, +"I think that the only conclusion you can arrive at is, that the pig was +stolen by the prisoner, and that he is the most amiable man in the +country." + + + + +CHAPTER FOUR + +THE BARRISTERS OF IRELAND + + + "'Men that hire out their words and anger'; that are more or + less passionate according as they are paid for it, and allow + their client a quantity of wrath proportionable to the fee + which they receive from him." + + ADDISON: _The Spectator_. + + + + +CHAPTER FOUR + +THE BARRISTERS OF IRELAND + + +The Irish counsel like the occupants of the Bench were, in early times, +eminent for their jolly carousing. Once, about 1687, a heavy argument +coming on before Lord Chancellor Fitton, Mr. Nagle, the solicitor, +retained Sir Toby Butler as counsel, who entered into a bargain that he +would not drink a drop of wine while the case was at hearing. This +bargain reached the ears of the Chancellor, who asked Sir Toby if it was +true that such a compact had been made. The counsel said it was true, +and the bargain had been rigidly kept; but on further inquiry he +admitted that as he had only promised not to _drink_ a _drop_ of wine, +he felt he must have some stimulant. So he got a basin, into which he +poured two bottles of claret, and then got two hot rolls of bread, +sopped them in the claret and ate them. "I see," replied the Chancellor; +"in truth, Sir Toby, you deserve to be master of the rolls!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: JOHN P. CURRAN, MASTER OF ROLLS.] + +One naturally turns to Curran for a selection of the witty sayings of +the Irish Bar, and abundantly he supplies them, although in these days +many of his jests may be considered as in somewhat doubtful taste. +Phillips tells us he remembered Curran once--in an action for breach of +promise of marriage, in which he was counsel for the defendant, a young +clergyman--thus appealing to the jury: "Gentlemen, I entreat you not to +ruin this young man by a vindictive verdict; for _though_ he has +talents, and is in the Church, _he may rise_!" + +After his college career Curran went to London to study for the +Bar. His circumstances were often straitened, and at times so much +so that he had to pass the day without dinner. But under such +depressing circumstances his high spirits never forsook him. One +day he was sitting in St. James's Park merrily whistling a tune +when a gentleman passed, who, struck by the youth's melancholy +appearance while, at the same time, he whistled a lively air, asked +how he "came to be sitting there whistling while other people were +at dinner." Curran replied, "I would have been at dinner too, but a +trifling circumstance--delay in remittances--obliges me to dine on +an Irish tune." The result was that Curran was invited to dine with +the stranger, and years afterwards, when he had become famous, he +recalled the incident to his entertainer--Macklin, the celebrated +actor--with the assurance, "You never acted better in your life." + +From Phillips again we have Curran's retort upon an Irish judge, who was +quite as remarkable for his good humour and raillery as for his legal +researches. Curran was addressing a jury on one of the State trials in +1803 with his usual animation. The judge, whose political bias, if any +judge can have one, was certainly supposed not to be favourable to the +prisoner, shook his head in doubt or denial of one of the advocate's +arguments. "I see, gentlemen," said Curran, "I see the motion of his +lordship's head; common observers might imagine that implied a +difference of opinion, but they would be mistaken; it is merely +accidental. Believe me, gentlemen, if you remain here many days, you +will yourselves perceive that when his lordship shakes his head, there's +_nothing in it_!" + +Curran was one day engaged in a case in which he had for a junior a +remarkably tall and slender gentleman, who had been originally intended +to take orders. The judge observing that the case under discussion +involved a question of ecclesiastical law, Curran interposed with: "I +refer your lordship to a high authority behind me, who was once intended +for the Church, though in my opinion he was fitter for the steeple." + +He was one day walking with a friend, who, hearing a person say +"curosity" for "curiosity," exclaimed: "How that man murders the English +language!"--"Not so bad as that," replied Curran. "He has only knocked +an 'i' out." + +Curran never joined the hunt, except once, not far from Dublin. His +horse joined very keenly in the sport, but the horseman was inwardly +hoping all the while that the dogs would not find. In the midst of his +career, the hounds broke into a potato field of a wealthy land-agent, +who happened to have been severely cross-examined by Curran some days +before. The fellow came up patronisingly and said, "Oh sure, you are +Counsellor Curran, the great lawyer. Now then, Mr. Lawyer, can you tell +me by what law you are trespassing on my ground?"--"By what law, did you +ask, Mr. Maloney?" replied Curran. "It must be the _Lex Tally-ho-nis_, +to be sure." + +During one of the Circuits, Curran was dining with a brother advocate at +a small inn kept by a worthy woman known by the Christian name of +Honoria, or, as it is generally called, Honor. The gentlemen were so +pleased with their entertainment that they summoned Honor to receive +their compliments and drink a glass of wine with them. She attended at +once, and Curran after a brief eulogium on the dinner filled a glass, +and handing it to the landlady proposed as a toast "Honor and Honesty," +to which the lady with an arch smile added, "Our absent friends," drank +off her amended toast and withdrew. + +He happened one day to have for his companion in a stage-coach a very +vulgar and revolting old woman, who seemed to have been encrusted with a +prejudice against Ireland and all its inhabitants. Curran sat chafing in +silence in his corner. At last, suddenly, a number of cows, with their +tails and heads in the air, kept rushing up and down the road in +alarming proximity to the coach windows. The old woman manifestly was +but ill at ease. At last, unable to restrain her terror, she faltered +out, "Oh dear; oh dear, sir! what can the cows mean?"--"Faith, my good +woman," replied Curran, "as there's an Irishman in the coach, I +shouldn't wonder if they were on the outlook for _a bull_!" + +Curran was once asked what an Irish gentleman, just arrived in England, +could mean by perpetually putting out his tongue. "I suppose," replied +the wit, "he's trying _to catch the English accent_." + +During the temporary separation of Lord Avonmore and Curran, Egan +espoused the judge's imaginary quarrel so bitterly that a duel was the +consequence. The parties met, and on the ground Egan complained that the +disparity in their sizes gave his antagonist a manifest advantage. "I +might as well fire at a razor's edge as at him," said Egan, "and he may +hit me as easily as a turf-stack."--"I'll tell you what, Mr. Egan," +replied Curran; "I wish to take no advantage of you--let my _size_ be +_chalked_ out upon your side, and I am quite content that every shot +which hits outside that mark should _go for nothing_." And in another +duel, in which his opponent was a major who had taken offence at some +remark the eminent counsel had made about him in Court, the major asked +Curran to fire first. "No," replied Curran, "I am here on your +invitation, so you must _open the ball_." + +Sir Thomas Furton, who was a respectable speaker, but certainly nothing +more, affected once to discuss the subject of eloquence with Curran, +assuming an equality by no means palatable to the latter. Curran +happening to mention, as a peculiarity of his, that he could not speak +above a quarter of an hour without requiring something to moisten his +lips, Sir Thomas, pursuing his comparisons, declared _he_ had the +advantage in that respect. "I spoke," said he, "the other night in the +Commons for five hours on the Nabob of Oude, and never felt in the least +thirsty."--"It is very remarkable, indeed," replied Curran, "for +everyone agrees that was the _driest_ speech of the session." + +Lord Clare (says Mr. Hayward) had a favourite dog which was permitted to +follow him to the Bench. One day, during an argument of Curran's, the +Chancellor turned aside and began to fondle the dog, with the obvious +view of intimating inattention or disregard. The counsel stopped; the +judge looked up: "I beg your pardon," continued Curran, "I thought your +lordship had been in consultation." + +Curran often raised a laugh at Lord Norbury's expense. The laws, at that +period, made capital punishment so general that nearly all crimes were +punishable with death by the rope. It was remarked Lord Norbury never +hesitated to condemn the convicted prisoner to the gallows. Dining in +company with Curran, who was carving some corned beef, Lord Norbury +inquired, "Is that hung beef, Mr. Curran?"--"Not yet, my lord," was the +reply; "you have not _tried_ it." + +"A doldrum, Mr. Curran! What does the witness mean by saying you put him +in a doldrum?" asked Lord Avonmore. "Oh, my lord, it is a very common +complaint with persons of this description; it's merely a confusion of +the head arising from a corruption of the heart." + +Angered one day in debate, he put his hand on his heart, saying, "I am +the trusty guardian of my own honour."--"Then," replied Sir Boyle Roche, +"I congratulate my honourable friend in the snug little sinecure to +which he has appointed himself." + +But on one occasion he met his match in a pert, jolly, keen-eyed son of +Erin, who was up as a witness in a case of dispute in the matter of a +horse deal. Curran was anxious to break down the credibility of this +witness, and thought to do it by making the man contradict himself--by +tangling him up in a network of adroitly framed questions--but to no +avail. The ostler's good common sense, and his equanimity and good +nature, were not to be upset. Presently, Curran, in a towering rage, +thundered forth, as no other counsel would have dared to do in the +presence of the Court: "Sir, you are incorrigible! The truth is not to +be got from you, for it is not in you. I see the villain in your +face!"--"Faith, yer honour," replied the witness, with the utmost +simplicity of truth and honesty, "my face must be moighty clane and +shinin' indade, if it can reflect like that." For once in his life the +great barrister was floored by a simple witness. He could not recover +from that repartee, and the case went against him. + +When Curran heard that there was a likelihood of trouble for the part he +took in 1798, and that in all probability he would be deprived of the +rank of Q.C., he remarked: "They may take away the _silk_, but they +leave the _stuff_ behind." + + * * * * * + +"Bully" Egan had a great muscular figure, as may be guessed from the +story of the duel with Curran. To his bulk he added a stentorian voice, +which he freely used in Nisi Prius practice to browbeat opposing counsel +and witnesses, and through which he acquired his _sobriquet_. On one +occasion his opponent was a dark-visaged barrister who had made out a +good case for his client. Egan, in the course of an eloquent address, +begged the jury not to be carried away by the "dark oblivion of a +brow."--"What do you mean by using such balderdash?" said a friend. "It +may be balderdash," replied Egan, "but depend upon it, it will do very +well for that jury." On another occasion he concluded a vituperative +address by describing the defendant as "a most naufrageous +ruffian."--"What sort of a ruffian is that?" whispered his junior. "I +have no idea," responded Egan, "but I think _it sounds well_." + + * * * * * + +H. D. Grady was a strong supporter, in the Irish Parliament, of the +Union of Great Britain and Ireland, although he represented a +constituency strongly opposed to it; and he did not conceal the fact +that the Government had made it worth his while to support them. "What!" +exclaimed one of his constituents who remonstrated with him; "do you +mean to sell your country?"--"Thank God," cried this patriot, "I have a +country to sell." + +For his Court work this anti-Nationalist barrister had what he called +his "jury-eye." When he wanted a jury to note a particular point he kept +winking his right eye at them. Entering the Court one day looking very +depressed, a sympathetic friend asked if he was quite well, adding, "You +are not so lively as usual."--"How can I be," replied Grady, "my +jury-eye is out of order." + +He was examining a foreign sailor at Cork Assizes. "You are a Swede, I +believe?"--"No, I am not."--"What are you then?"--"I am a Dane." Grady +turned to the jury, "Gentlemen, you hear the equivocating scoundrel. _Go +down, sir!_" + +Judge Boyd who, according to O'Connell, was guilty of sipping his wine +through a peculiarly made tube from a metal inkstand, to which we have +already referred, one day presided at a trial where a witness was +charged with being intoxicated at the time he was speaking about. Mr. +Harry Grady laboured hard to show that the man had been sober. Judge +Boyd at once interposed and said: "Come now, my good man, it is a very +important consideration; tell the Court truly, were you drunk or were +you sober upon that occasion?"--"Oh, quite sober, my Lord." Grady added, +with a significant look at the _inkstand_, "As sober as a judge!" + + * * * * * + +Mr. Bethell, a barrister at the time of the Union of Ireland and Great +Britain, like many of his brethren, published a pamphlet on that +much-vexed subject. Mr. Lysaght, meeting him, said: "Bethell, you never +told me you had published a pamphlet on the Union. The one I saw +contained some of the best things I have ever seen in any of these +publications."--"I am proud you think so," rejoined the other eagerly. +"Pray what was the thing that pleased you so much?"--"Well," replied +Lysaght, "as I passed a pastry-cook's shop this morning, I saw a girl +come out with three hot mince-pies wrapped up in one of your +productions!" + +"Pleasant Ned Lysaght," as his familiar friends called him, meeting a +Dublin banker one day offered himself as an assistant if there was a +vacancy in the bank's staff. "You, my dear Lysaght," said the banker; +"what position could you fill?"--"Two," was the reply. "If you made me +_cashier_ for one day, I'll become _runner_ the next." + +And it was Lysaght who made a neat pun on his host's name at a dinner +party during the Munster Circuit. The gentleman, named Flatly, was in +the habit of inviting members of the Bar to his house when the Court was +held in Limerick. One evening the conversation turned upon matrimony, +and surprise was expressed that their host still remained a bachelor. He +confessed that he never had had the courage to propose to a young lady. +"Depend upon it," said Lysaght, "if you ask any girl _boldly_ she will +not refuse you, _Flatly_." + + * * * * * + +O'Flanagan, author of _The Lord Chancellors of Ireland_, writes of +Holmes, an Irish barrister: "He made us laugh very much one day in the +Queen's Bench. I was waiting for some case in which I was counsel, when +the crier called, 'Pluck and Diggers,' and in came James Scott, Q.C., +very red and heated, and, throwing his bag on the table within the bar, +he said, 'My lords, I beg to assure your lordships I feel so exhausted I +am quite unable to argue this case. I have been speaking for three hours +in the Court of Exchequer, and I am quite tired; and pray excuse me, my +lords, I must get some refreshment.' The Chief Justice bowed, and said, +'Certainly, Mr. Scott.' So that gentleman left the Court. 'Mr. Holmes, +you are in this case,' said the Chief Justice; 'we'll be happy to hear +you.'--'Really, my lord, I am very tired too,' said Mr. Holmes. +'Surely,' said the Chief Justice, 'you have not been speaking for three +hours in the Court of Exchequer? What has tired you?'--'Listening to Mr. +Scott,' was Holmes' sarcastic reply." + + * * * * * + +Although rivals in their profession, C. K. Bushe had a great admiration +for Plunket's abilities, and would not listen to any disparagement of +them. One day while Plunket was speaking at the Bar a friend said to +Bushe, "Well, if it was not for the eloquence, I'd as soon listen to +----," who was a very prosy speaker. "No doubt," replied Bushe, "just as +the Connaught man said, ''Pon my conscience if it was not for the malt +and the hops, I'd as soon drink ditch water as porter.'" + +There is an impromptu of Bushe's upon two political agitators of the day +who had declined an appeal to arms, one on account of his wife, the +other from the affection in which he held his daughter: + + "Two heroes of Erin, abhorrent of slaughter, + Improved on the Hebrew command-- + One honoured his wife, and the other his daughter, + That 'their' days might be long in 'the land.'" + +A young barrister once tried to raise a laugh at the Mess dinner at the +expense of "Jerry Keller," a barrister who was prominent in social +circles of Dublin, and whose cousin, a wine merchant, held the contract +for supplying wine to the Mess cellar. "I have noticed," said the +junior, "that the claret bottles are growing smaller and smaller at each +Assizes since your cousin became our wine merchant."--"Whist!" replied +Jerry; "don't you be talking of what you know nothing about. It's quite +natural the bottles should be growing smaller, because we all know _they +shrink in the washing_." + +An ingenious expedient was devised to save a prisoner charged with +robbery in the Criminal Court at Dublin. The principal thing that +appeared in evidence against him was a confession, alleged to have been +made by him at the police office. The document, purporting to contain +this self-criminating acknowledgment, was produced by the officer, and +the following passage was read from it: + + "Mangan said he never robbed but twice + Said it was Crawford." + +This, it will be observed, has no mark of the writer having any notion +of punctuation, but the meaning attached to it was, that + + "Mangan said he never robbed but twice. + _Said it was Crawford._" + +Mr. O'Gorman, the counsel for the prisoner, begged to look at the paper. +He perused it, and rather astonished the peace officer by asserting, +that so far from its proving the man's guilt, it clearly established his +innocence. "This," said the learned gentleman, "is the fair and obvious +reading of the sentence: + + "Mangan said he never robbed; + _But twice said it was Crawford_." + +This interpretation had its effect on the jury, and the man was +acquitted. + + * * * * * + +There were two barristers at the Irish Bar who formed a singular +contrast in their stature--Ninian Mahaffy was as much above the middle +size as Mr. Collis was below it. When Lord Redsdale was Lord Chancellor +of Ireland these two gentlemen chanced to be retained in the same cause +a short time after his lordship's elevation, and before he was +personally acquainted with the Irish Bar. Mr. Collis was opening the +motion, when the Lord Chancellor observed, "Mr. Collis, when a barrister +addresses the Court, he must stand."--"I am standing on the bench, my +lord," said Collis. "I beg a thousand pardons," said his lordship, +somewhat confused. "Sit down, Mr. Mahaffy."--"I am sitting, my lord," +was the reply to the confounded Chancellor. + +A barrister who was present on this occasion made it the subject of the +following epigram: + + "Mahaffy and Collis, ill-paired in a case, + Representatives true of the rattling size ace; + To the heights of the law, though I hope you will rise, + You will never be judges I'm sure of a(s)size." + +A very able barrister, named Collins, had the reputation of occasionally +involving his adversary in a legal net, and, by his superior subtlety, +gaining his cause. On appearing in Court in a case with the eminent +barrister, Mr. Pigot, Q.C., there arose a question as to who should be +leader, Mr. Collins being the senior in standing at the Bar, Mr. Pigot +being one of the Queen's Counsel. "I yield," said Mr. Collins; "my +friend holds the honours."--"Faith, if he does, Stephen," observed Mr. +Herrick, "'tis you have all the tricks." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DANIEL O'CONNELL, "THE LIBERATOR."] + +It is told by one of O'Connell's biographers that he never prepared his +addresses to judges or juries--he trusted to the inspiration of the +moment. He had at command humour and pathos, invective and argument; he +was quick-witted and astonishingly ready in repartee, and he brought all +these into play, as he found them serviceable in influencing the bench +or the jury-box. + +Lord Manners, Lord Chancellor of Ireland, stopped several of the many +counsels in a Chancery suit by saying he had made up his mind. He, in +fact, lost his temper as each in succession rose, and he declined them +in turn. At last O'Connell, one of the unheard counsel, began in his +deepest and most emphatic tone: "Well then, my lord, since your lordship +refuses to hear my learned friend, you will be pleased to hear ME"; and +then he plunged into the case, without waiting for any expression, +assent or dissent, or allowing any interruption. On he went, discussing +and distinguishing, and commenting and quoting, till he secured the +attention of, and evidently was making an impression on, the unwilling +judge. Every few minutes O'Connell would say: "Now, my lord, my learned +young friend beside me, had your lordship heard him, would have informed +your lordship in a more impressive and lucid manner than I can hope to +do," etcetera, until he finished a masterly address. The Lord Chancellor +next morning gave judgment in favour of O'Connell's client. + +He was engaged in a will case, the allegation being that the will was a +forgery. The subscribing witness swore that the will had been signed by +the deceased "while life was in him"--that being an expression derived +from the Irish language, which peasants who have long ceased to speak +Irish still retain. The evidence was strong in favour of the will, when +O'Connell was struck by the persistency of the man, who always repeated +the same words, "The life was in him." O'Connell asked: "On the virtue +of your oath, was he alive?"--"By the virtue of my oath, the life was +in him."--"Now I call upon you in the presence of your Maker, who will +one day pass sentence on you for this evidence, I solemnly ask--and +answer me at your peril--was there not a live fly in the dead man's +mouth when his hand was placed on the will?" The witness was taken aback +at this question; he trembled, turned pale, and faltered out an abject +confession that the counsellor was right; a fly had been introduced into +the mouth of the dead man, to allow the witness to swear that "life was +in him." + +O'Connell was defending John Connor on a charge of murder. The most +incriminating evidence was the finding of the murderer's hat, left +behind on the road. The all-important question was as to the +identity of the hat as that of the accused man. A constable was +prepared to swear to it. "You found this hat?" said O'Connell. +"Yes."--"You examined it?"--"Yes."--"You know it to be the +prisoner's property?"--"Yes."--"When you picked it up you saw it +was damaged?"--"Yes."--"And looking inside you saw the prisoner's +name, J-O-H-N C-O-N-N-O-R?" (here he spelt out the name slowly). +"Yes," was the answer. "There is no name inside at all, my lord," +said O'Connell, and the prisoner was saved. + + * * * * * + +Explaining to a judge his absence from the Civil Court at the time a +case was heard, in which he should have appeared as counsel, O'Connell +said he could not leave a client in the Criminal Court until the verdict +was given. "What was it?" inquired the judge. "Acquitted," responded +O'Connell. "Then you have got off a wretch who is not fit to live," said +the judge. O'Connell, knowing his lordship to be a very religious man, +at once replied: "I am sure you will agree with me that a man whom you +regard as not fit to _live_ would be still more _unfit_ to die." + + * * * * * + +There was a young barrister--a contemporary of O'Connell--named Parsons, +who had a good deal of humour, and who hated the whole tribe of +attorneys. Perhaps they had not treated him very well, but his prejudice +against them was very constant and conspicuous. One day, in the Hall of +the Four Courts, an attorney came up to him to beg a subscription +towards burying a brother attorney who had died in distressed +circumstances. Parsons took out a one-pound note and tendered it. "Oh, +Mr. Parsons," said the applicant, "I do not want so much--I only ask a +shilling from each contributor. I have limited myself to that, and I +cannot really take more."--"Oh, take it, take it," said Parsons; "for +God's sake, my good sir, take the pound, and while you are at it bury +twenty of them." + +There is a terseness in the following which seems to be inimitable. +Lord Norbury was travelling with Parsons; they passed a gibbet. +"Parsons," said Norbury, with a chuckle, "where would _you_ be now if +every one had his due?"--"Alone in my carriage," replied Parsons. + + * * * * * + +Here is a young Irishman's first Bar-speech. "Your lordships perceive +that we stand here as our grandmothers' administrators _de bonis non_; +and really, my lords, it does strike me that it would be a monstrous +thing to say that a party can now come in, in the very teeth of an Act +of Parliament, and actually turn us round, under colour of hanging us +up, on the foot of a contract made behind our backs." + +A learned Serjeant MacMahon was noted for his confusion of language in +his efforts to be sublime. He cared less for the sense than the sound. +As, for example: "Gentlemen of the jury, I smell a rat--but I'll nip it +in the bud." And, "My client acted boldly. He saw the storm brewing in +the distance, but he was not dismayed! He took the bull by the horns and +he _indicted him for perjury_." + +Peter Burrowes, a well-known member of the Irish Bar, was on one +occasion counsel for the prosecution at an important trial for murder. +Burrowes had a severe cold, and opened his speech with a box of lozenges +in one hand and in the other the small pistol bullet by which the man +had met his death. Between the pauses of his address he kept supplying +himself with a lozenge. But at last, in the very middle of a +'high-falutin' period, he stopped. His legal chest heaved, his eyes +seemed starting from his head, and in a voice tremulous with fright he +exclaimed: "Oh! h-h!!! Gentlemen, gentlemen; I've swallowed the +bul-let!" + +An Irish counsel who was once asked by the judge for whom he was +"concerned," replied: "My lord, I am retained by the defendant, and +therefore I am concerned for the plaintiff." + +A junior at the Bar in course of his speech began to use a simile of +"the eagle soaring high above the mists of the earth, winning its daring +flight against a midday sun till the contemplation becomes too dazzling +for humanity, and mortal eyes gaze after it in vain." Here the orator +was noticed to falter and lose the thread of his speech, and sat down +after some vain attempts to regain it; the judge remarking: "The next +time, sir, you bring an eagle into Court, I should recommend you to clip +its wings." + +Mr. Tim Healy's power of effective and stinging repartee is probably +unexcelled. He is seldom at a loss for a retort, and there are not a few +politicians and others who regret having been foolish enough to rouse +his resentment. There is on record, however, an amusing interlude in the +passing of which Tim was discomfited--crushed, and found himself unable +to "rise to the occasion." + +During the hearing of a case at the Recorder's Court in Dublin the +Testament on which the witnesses were being sworn disappeared. After a +lengthy hunt for it, counsel for the defendant noticed that Mr. Healy +had taken possession of the book, and was deeply absorbed in its +contents, and quite unconscious of the dismay its disappearance was +causing. + +"I think, sir," said the counsel, addressing the Recorder, "that Mr. +Healy has the Testament." Hearing his name mentioned, Mr. Healy looked +up, realised what had occurred, and, with apologies, handed it over. + +"You see, sir," added the counsel, "Mr. Healy was so interested that he +did not know of our loss. He took it for a new publication." For once +Mr. Healy's nimble wit failed him, and forced him to submit to the +humiliation of being scored off. + +In the North of Ireland the peasantry pronounce the word witness +"wetness." At Derry Assizes a man said he had brought his "wetness" with +him to corroborate his evidence. "Bless me," said the judge, "about what +age are you?"--"Forty-two my last birthday, my lord," replied the +witness. "Do you mean to tell the jury," said the judge, "that at your +age you still have a wet nurse?"--"Of course I have, my lord." Counsel +hereupon interposed and explained. + +The witness who gave the following valuable testimony, however, was +probably keeping strictly to fact. "I sees Phelim on the top of the +wall. 'Paddy,' he says. 'What,' says I. 'Here,' says he. 'Where?' says +I. 'Hush,' says he. 'Whist,' says I. And that's all." + +The wit of the Irish Bar seems to infect even the officers of the Courts +and the people who enter the witness-box. It is impossible, for example, +not to admire the fine irony of the usher who, when he was told to clear +the Court, called out: "All ye blaggards that are not lawyers lave the +building." + +Irish judges have much greater difficulties to contend against, because +the people with whom they have to deal have a fund of ready retort. +"Sir," said an exasperated Irish judge to a witness who refused to +answer the questions put to him--"sir, this is a contempt of Court."--"I +know it, my lord, but I was endeavouring to concale it," was the +irresistible reply. + +A certain Irish attorney threatening to prosecute a printer for +inserting in his paper the death of a person still living, informed him +that "No person should publish a death unless informed of the fact by +the party deceased." + +A rather amusing story is told of a trial where one of the Irish jurymen +had been "got at" and bribed to secure the jury agreeing to a verdict of +"Manslaughter," however much they might want to return one upon the +capital charge of "Murder." The jury were out for several hours, and it +was believed that eventually the result would be that they would not +agree upon a verdict at all. However, close upon midnight, they were +starved into one, and it was that of "Manslaughter." Next day the +particular juryman concerned received his promised reward, and in paying +it, the man who had arranged it for him remarked: "I suppose you had a +great deal of difficulty in getting the other jurymen to agree to a +verdict of 'Manslaughter'?"--"I should just think I did," replied the +man. "I had to knock it into them, for all the others--the whole eleven +of them--wanted to acquit him." + +An Irish lawyer addressed the Court as _Gentlemen_ instead of _Your +Honours_. When he had concluded, a brother lawyer pointed out his error. +He immediately rose and apologised thus: "In the heat of the debate I +called your honours gentlemen,--I made a mistake, your honours." + + + + +CHAPTER FIVE + +THE JUDGES OF SCOTLAND + + + "Ye Barristers of England + Your triumphs idle are, + Till ye can match the names that ring + Round Caledonia's Bar. + Your _John Doe_ and your Richard Roe + Are but a paltry pair: + Look at those who compose + The flocks round Brodie's Stair, + Who ruminate on Shaw and Tait + And flock round Brodie's Stair. + + * * * * * + + "But, Barristers of England, + Come to us lovingly, + And any Scot who greets you not + We'll send to Coventry. + Put past your brief, embark for Leith, + And when you've landed there, + Any wight with delight + Will point out Brodie's Stair + Or lead you all through Fountainhall + Till you enter Brodie's Stair." + + OUTRAM: _Legal and other Lyrics_. + + + + +CHAPTER FIVE + +THE JUDGES OF SCOTLAND + + +From the Institution of the Court of Session by James V of Scotland till +well into the nineteenth century, it was the custom of Scottish judges +when taking their seat on the Bench to assume a title from an estate--it +might even be from a farm--already in their own or their family's +possession. So we find that nearly every parish in Scotland has given +birth to a judge who by this practice has made that parish or an estate +in it more or less familiar to Scottish ears. Monboddo, near Fordoun, in +Kincardineshire, at once recalls the judge who gave "attic suppers" in +his house in St. John Street, Edinburgh, and held a theory that all +infants were born with tails like monkeys; but under the modern practice +of simply adding "Lord" to his surname of Burnet, we doubt if his +eccentric personality would be so readily remembered. Lord Dirleton's +_Doubts_, Lord Fountainhall's _Historical Observes_, carry a more +imposing sound in their titles than if those one-time indispensable +works of reference had been simply named Nisbet on Legal Doubts, and +Lauder on Historical Observations of Memorable Events. + +The selection of a title was an important matter with these old judges. +When Lauder was raised to the Bench, his estate to the south-east of +Edinburgh was called Woodhead; but it would never have done for a +Senator of the College of Justice to be known as "Lord Woodhead," so the +name of the estate was changed to Fountainhall, and as Lord Fountainhall +he took his seat among "the Fifteen" as the full Bench of judges was +then termed. + +These old-time judges with their rugged ferocity, corruption, and +occasionally brave words and deeds, in a great measure present to us now +a miniature history of Scotland in the seventeenth and eighteenth +centuries. "Show me the man, and I will show you the law," one is +reported to have said, meaning that the litigant with the longest purse +was pretty certain to win his case in the long run. They delighted in +long arguments, and highly appreciated bewilderment in pleadings; "Dinna +be brief," cried one judge when an advocate modestly asked to be briefly +heard in a case in which he appeared as junior counsel. But the tendency +to delay cases in the old Courts stretched beyond all reasonable lengths +and became a scandal to the country. It was not a question of a month or +even a year. Years passed and still cases remained undecided, some even +were passed on from one generation to another--a litigant by his will +handing on his plea in the Court to his successor along with his estate. +This protracted delay in deciding causes formed the subject of that +highly amusing and characteristic skit on the Scottish judges for which +Boswell was largely responsible: + + THE COURT OF SESSION GARLAND + + PART FIRST + + The Bill charged on was payable at sight + And decree was craved by Alexander Wight;[1] + But, because it bore a penalty in case of failzie + It therefore was null contended Willie Baillie.[2] + + The Ordinary not chusing to judge it at random + Did with the minutes make avizandum. + And as the pleadings were vague and windy + His Lordship ordered memorials _hinc inde_. + + We setting a stout heart to a stey brae + Took into the cause Mr. David Rae:[3] + Lord Auchenleck,[4] however, repelled our defence, + And over and above decerned for expence. + + However of our cause not being asham'd, + Unto the whole Lords we straightway reclaim'd; + And our petition was appointed to be seen, + Because it was drawn by Robbie Macqueen.[5] + + The answer of Lockhart[6] himself it was wrote, + And in it no argument or fact was forgot; + He is the lawyer that from no cause will flinch, + And on this occasion divided the Bench. + + Alemoor,[7] the judgment as illegal blames, + 'Tis equity, you bitch, replies my Lord Kames;[8] + This cause, cries Hailes,[9] to judge I can't pretend, + For Justice, I see, wants an _e_ at the end. + + Lord Coalston[10] expressed his doubts and his fears, + And Strichen[11] then in his weel weels and O dears; + This cause much resembles that of M'Harg, + And should go the same way, says Lordy Barjarg.[12] + + Let me tell you, my Lords, this cause is no joke; + Says with a horse laugh my Lord Elliock[13] + To have read all the papers I pretend not to brag, + Says my Lord Gardenstone[14] with a snuff and a wag. + + Up rose the President,[15] and an angry man was he, + To alter this judgment I never can agree; + The east wing said yes, and the west wing cried not, + And it carried ahere by my Lord's casting vote. + + This cause being somewhat knotty and perplext, + Their Lordships not knowing what they'd determine next; + And as the session was to rise so soon, + They superseded extract till the 12th of June. + + + PART SECOND + + Having lost it, so now we prepare for the summer, + And on the 12th of June presented a reclaimer; + But dreading a refuse, we gave Dundas[16] a fee, + And though it run nigh it was carried to see. + + In order to bring aid from usage beyond, + The answers were drawn by quondam Mess John;[17] + He united with such art our law the civil, + That the counsel, on both sides, would have seen him to the devil. + + The cause being called, my Lord Justice-Clerk,[18] + With all due respect, began a loud bark; + He appeal'd to his conscience, his heart, and from thence, + Concluded to alter, but give no expence. + + Lord Stonefield,[19] unwilling his judgment to podder, + Or to be precipitate agreed with his brother; + But Monboddo[20] was clear the bill to enforce, + Because, he observed, 'twas the price of a horse. + + Says Pitfour[21] with a wink and his hat all agee, + I remember a case in the year twenty-three, + The magistrates of Banff contra Robert Carr, + I remember well, I was then at the Bar. + + Likewise, my Lords, in the case of Peter Caw, + _Superflua non nocent_ was found to be law: + Lord Kennet[22] also quoted the case of one Lithgow + Where a penalty in a bill was held _pro non scripto_. + + Lord President brought his chair to the plum, + Laid hold of the bench and brought forward his bum; + In these answers, my Lords, some freedoms have been used, + Which I could point out, provided I chus'd. + + I was for this interlocutor, my Lords, I admit, + But am open to conviction as long's I here do sit; + To oppose your precedents I quote you some clauses, + But Tait[23] _a priori_ hurried up the causes. + + He prov'd it as clear as the sun in the sky + That the maxims of law could not here apply, + That the writing in question was neither bill nor band + But something unknown in the law of the land. + + The question adhere or alter being put, + It carried to alter by a casting vote: + Baillie then mov'd.--In the bill there's a raze, + But by that time their Lordships had called a new case. + + + FOOTNOTES: + + [1] Wight: a well-known advocate of the period. + [2] Baillie: Lord Palkemmet. + [3] Afterwards Lord Eskgrove. + [4] The father of James Boswell. + [5] Afterwards Lord Braxfield. + [6] Lord Covington. + [7] Andrew Pringle. + [8] Henry Home, who was notorious for the use of the epithet in the + text. + [9] Sir David Dalrymple, author of the _Annals of Scotland_. + [10] George Brown of Coalston. + [11] Alexander Fraser of Strichen. + [12] James Erskine, who changed his title to Lord Alva. + [13] James Veitch. + [14] Francis Garden, who founded the town of Laurencekirk in + Kincardineshire. + [15] Robert Dundas, first Lord President of that name. + [16] Henry, first Viscount Melville, the friend of Pitt. + [17] A nickname for John Erskine of Carnoch. + [18] Sir Thomas Miller of Glenlee. + [19] John Campbell, raised to the Bench in 1796. + [20] Jas. Burnet of Monboddo, who had a theory that human beings + were born with tails. + [21] James Ferguson of Pitfour. Owing to weak eyesight he wore his + hat on the Bench. + [22] Robert Bruce of Kennet. + [23] Clerk of Session. + +It was the first Lord Meadowbank, who wearying of the dry statement of a +case made by Mr. Thomas W. Blair, broke in with the remark: "Declaim, +sir! why don't you declaim? Speak to me as if I were a popular +assembly." + +In the reign of Queen Anne there was an old Scottish judge--Lord +Dun--who was particularly distinguished for his piety. Thomas Coutts, +the founder of the bank now so well known, used to relate of him that +when a difficult case came before him, as Lord Ordinary, he used to say, +"Eh, Lord, what am I to do? Eh, sirs, I wish you would make it up!" Of +another judge of much the same period, also noted for his strict +observance of religious ordinances; but who, at the same time, did not +allow these to interfere with his social habits, it is related that +every Saturday evening he had with him his niece, who afterwards married +a more famous Scottish judge, Andrew Fletcher, Lord Milton, Charles Ross +who made himself prominent in the "45" Rebellion, and David Reid, his +clerk. The judge had what was, and in some parts of Scotland still is, +known as "the exercise," which consisted of the reading of a chapter +from the Bible, and his form of announcing the evening devotions was: +"Betsy (his niece), ye hae a sweet voice, lift ye up a psalm; Charles, +ye hae a gey strong voice, read the chapter; and David, fire ye the +plate." Firing the plate consisted of a dish of brandy prepared for the +company, of which David took charge, and while the first part of the +proceedings were in progress David lighted the brandy, which when he +thought it burnt to his master's taste he blew out, and this was the +signal for the others to stop, while the whole company partook of the +burnt brandy. This same judge--Lord Forglen--was walking one day with +Lord Newhall, in the latter's grounds. Lord Newhall was a grave and +austere man, while, as may be gathered, Lord Forglen was a medley of +curious elements. As they passed a picturesque bend of a river Lord +Forglen exclaimed: "Now, my lord, this is a fine walk. If ye want to +pray to God, can there be a better place? If ye want to kiss a bonny +lass, can there be a better place?" + +[Illustration: SIR DAVID RAE, LORD ESKGROVE.] + +Sir David Rae (Lord Eskgrove), Lord Justice-Clerk of Scotland, has been +described as a ludicrous person about whom people seemed to have nothing +else to do but tell stories. Sir Walter Scott imitated perfectly his +slow manner of speech and peculiar pronunciation, which always put an +accent on the last syllable of a word, and the letter "g" when at the +end of a word got its full value. When a knot of young advocates was +seen standing round the fireplace of the Parliament Hall listening to a +low muttering voice, and the party suddenly broke up in roars of +laughter, it was pretty certain to be a select company to whom Sir +Walter had been retailing one of the latest stories of Lord Eskgrove. + +He was a man of much self-importance, which comes out in his remarks to +a young lady of great beauty who was called as a witness in the trial of +Glengarry for murder. "Young woman, you will now consider yourself as in +the presence of Almighty God, and of this Court; lift up your veil, +throw off all modesty, and look _me_ in the face." + +Sir John Henderson of Fordell, a zealous Whig, had long nauseated the +Scottish Civil Courts by his burgh politics. Their lordships of the +Bench had once to fix the amount of some discretionary penalty that he +had incurred. Lord Eskgrove began to give his opinion in a very low +voice, but loud enough to be heard by those next him, to the effect that +the fine ought to be L50, when Sir John, with his usual imprudence, +interrupted him and begged him to raise his voice, adding that if judges +did not speak so as to be heard they might as well not speak at all. +Lord Eskgrove, who could never endure any imputation of bodily +infirmity, asked his neighbour, "What does the fellow say?"--"He says, +that if you don't speak out, you may as well hold your tongue."--"Oh, is +that what he says? My lords, what I was saying was very simpell; I was +only sayingg, that in my humbell opinyon this fine could not be less +than L250 sterlingg"--this sum being roared out as loudly as his old +angry voice could launch it. + +A common saying of his to juries was: "And now, gentle-men, having shown +you that the panell's argument is impossibill, I shall now proceed to +show you that it is extremely improbabill." + +In condemning some persons to death for breaking into Sir John +Colquhoun's house and assaulting him and others, as well as robbing +them, Eskgrove, after enumerating minutely the details of their crime, +closed his address to the prisoners with this climax: "All this you did; +and God preserve us! juist when they were sitten doon tae their denner." + +When condemning a tailor convicted of stabbing a soldier, the offence +was aggravated in Lord Eskgrove's eyes by the fact that "not only did +you murder him, whereby he was berea-ved of his life, but you did +thrust, or push, or pierce, or project, or propell, the le-thall weapon +through the belly-band of his regimental breeches, which were his +Majesty's." + +One of the most biting of caustic jests made by a judge of the old Court +of Session of Scotland, before its reconstruction at the beginning of +the nineteenth century, was uttered during the hearing of a claim to a +peerage. The claimant was obviously resting his case upon forged +documents, and the judge suddenly remarked in the broad dialect of the +time, "If ye persevere ye'll nae doot be a peer, but it will be a peer +o' anither tree!" The claimant did not appreciate this idea of being +grafted, and abandoned the case. + + * * * * * + +To return to the stories of the earlier period of the eighteenth +century, there is one told of Lord Halkerston. He was waited on by a +tenant, who with a woeful countenance informed his lordship that one of +his cows had gored a cow belonging to the judge, and he feared the +injured animal could not live. "Well, then, of course you must pay for +it," said his lordship. "Indeed, my lord, it was not my fault, and you +know I am but a very poor man."--"I can't help that. The law says you +must pay for it. I am not to lose my cow, am I?"--"Well, my lord, if it +must be so, I cannot say more. But I forgot what I was saying. It was my +mistake entirely. I should have said that it was your lordship's cow +that gored mine."--"Oh, is that it? That's quite a different affair. Go +along, and don't trouble me just now. I am very busy. Be off, I say!" + +And there is one of the testy old Lord Polkemmet when he interrupted Mr. +James Ferguson, afterwards Lord Kilkerran, whose energy in enforcing a +point in his address to the Bench took the form of beating violently on +the table: "Maister Jemmy, dinna dunt; ye may think ye're dunting it +_intill me_, but ye're juist _dunting it oot o' me_, man." + +He was reputed to be dull, and rarely decided a case upon the first +hearing. On one occasion, after having heard counsel, among whom was the +Hon. Henry Erskine, John Clerk, and others, in a cause of no great +difficulty, he addressed the Bar: "Well, Maister Erskine, I heard you, +and I thocht ye were richt; syne I heard you, Dauvid, and I thocht ye +were richt; and noo I hae heard Maister Clerk, and I think he's richtest +amang ye a'. That bauthers me, ye see! Sae I man een tak' hame the +process an' wimble-wamble it i' ma wame a wee ower ma toddy, and syne +ye'se hae ma interlocutor." + +"The Fifteen," as the full Bench of the old Court of Session of Scotland +was popularly called, were deliberating on a bill of suspension and +interdict relative to certain caravans with wild beasts on the then +vacant ground which formed the beginning of the new communication with +the new Town of Edinburgh spreading westwards and the Lawnmarket--now +known as the Mound. In the course of the proceedings Lord Bannatyne fell +fast asleep. The case was disposed of and the next called, which related +to a right of lien over certain goods. The learned lord who continued +dozing having heard the word "lien" pronounced with an emphatic accent +by Lord Meadowbank, raised the following discussion: + +Meadowbank: "I am very clear that there was a lien on this property." + +Bannatyne: "Certain; but it ought to be chained, because----" + +Balmuto: "My lord, it's no a livin' lion, it's the Latin word for lien" +(leen). + +Hermand: "No, sir; the word is French." + +Balmuto: "I thought it was Latin, for it's in italics." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HENRY HOME, LORD KAMES.] + +Henry Home (Lord Kames) was at once one of the most enlightened and +learned of Scottish judges of the latter half of the eighteenth century, +and one of the most eccentric. His _History of Mankind_ brought him into +correspondence with most of the famous men and women of his day, and yet +it was his delight to walk up the Canongate and High Street with a +half-witted creature who made it his business to collect all the gossip +of the town and retail it to his lordship as he made his way to Court in +the morning. His humour was very sarcastic, and nothing delighted him +more than to observe that it cut home. Leaving the Court one day shortly +before his death he met James Boswell, and accosted him with, "Well, +Boswell, I shall be meeting your old father one of these days, what +shall I say to him how you are getting on now?" Boswell disdained to +reply. After a witness in a capital trial at Perth Circuit concluded his +evidence, Lord Kames said to him, "Sir, I have one question more to ask +you, and remember you are on your oath. You say you are from +Brechin?"--"Yes, my lord."--"When do you return thither?"--"To-morrow, +my lord."--"Do you know Colin Gillies?"--"Yes, my lord; I know him very +well."--"Then tell him that I shall breakfast with him on Tuesday +morning." + +Lord Kames used to relate a story of a man who claimed the honour of his +acquaintance on rather singular grounds. His lordship, when one of the +justiciary judges, returning from the North Circuit to Perth, happened +one night to sleep at Dunkeld. The next morning, walking towards the +ferry, but apprehending he had missed his way, he asked a man whom he +met to conduct him. The other answered, with much cordiality, "That I +will do with all my heart, my lord. Does not your lordship remember me? +My name's John ----. I have had the _honour_ to be before your lordship +for stealing sheep!"--"Oh, John, I remember you well; and how is your +wife? She had the honour to be before me too, for receiving them, +knowing them to be stolen."--"At your lordship's service. We were very +lucky; we got off for want of evidence; and I am still going on in the +butcher trade."--"Then," replied his lordship, "we may have the honour +of meeting again." + +Once when on Circuit his lordship had been dozing on the bench, a noise +created by the entrance of a new panel woke him, and he inquired what +the matter was. "Oh, it's a woman, my lord, accused of child +murder."--"And a weel farred b--h too," muttered his lordship, loud +enough to be heard by those present. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: JOHN CLERK, LORD ELDIN.] + +John Clerk (Lord Eldin) was one of the best-known advocates at the +Scottish Bar in the first quarter of the nineteenth century, and +probably the last of them to retain the old Scots style of +pronunciation. His voice was loud and his manner brow-beating, from +which the Bench suffered equally with his brother members of the Bar. He +suffered from a lameness in one leg, which was made the subject of a +passing remark by two young women in the High Street of Edinburgh one +day as Clerk was making his way to Court. "There goes John Clerk the +lame lawyer," said one to the other. Clerk overheard the remark, and +turning back addressed the speaker: "The lame man, my good woman, not +the lame lawyer." + +The stories of his advocate days are numerous, and many of them probably +well known. In his retention of old Scots pronunciation he got the +better of Lord Eldon when pleading before the House of Lords one day. +"That's the whole thing in plain English, ma lords," he said. "In plain +Scotch, you mean, Mr. Clerk."--"Nae maitter, in plain common sense, ma +lords, and that's the same in a' languages." On another occasion before +the same tribunal he had frequently referred to water, pronouncing it +"watter," when he was interrupted by the inquiry, "Do you spell water +with two t's in the north, Mr. Clerk?"--"No, my lord, but we spell +mainners wi' twa n's." And there is the well-known one of his use of the +word "enough," which in old Scots was pronounced "enow." His repetition +of the word in the latter form drew from the Lord Chancellor the remark +that at the English Courts the word was pronounced "enough." "Very well, +my lord," replied Clerk, and he proceeded with his address till coming +to describe his client, who was a ploughman, and his client's claim, he +went on: "My lords, my client is a pluffman, who pluffs a pluff gang o' +land in the parish of," &c. "Oh! just go on with your own pronunciation, +Mr. Clerk," remarked the Lord Chancellor. + +His encounters with members of the Scottish Bench were of a more +personal character. Indeed, for years he appears to have held most of +them in unfeigned contempt. A junior counsel on hearing their lordships +give judgment against his client exclaimed that he was surprised at such +a decision. This was construed into contempt of Court, and he was +ordered to attend at the Bar next morning. Fearing the consequences of +his rash remark, he consulted John Clerk, who offered to apologise for +him in a way that would avert any unpleasant result. Accordingly, when +the name of the delinquent was called, John Clerk rose and addressed the +Bench: "I am sorry, my lords, that my young friend so far forgot +himself as to treat your lordships with disrespect. He is extremely +penitent, and you will kindly ascribe his unintentional insult to his +ignorance. You will see at once that it did not originate in that: he +said he was surprised at the decision of your lordships. Now, if he had +not been very ignorant of what takes place in this Court every day; had +he known your lordships but half so long as I have done, he would not be +surprised at anything you did." + +Two judges, father and son, sat on the Scottish Bench, in succession, +under the title of Lord Meadowbank. The second Lord Meadowbank was by no +means such a powerful judge as his father. In his Court, Clerk was +pressing his construction of some words in a conveyance, and contrasting +the use of the word "also" with the use of the word "likewise." + +"Surely, Mr. Clerk," said his lordship, "you cannot seriously argue that +'also' means anything different from 'likewise'! They mean precisely the +same thing; and it matters not which of them is preferred."--"Not at +all, my lord; there is all the difference in the world between these two +words. Let us take an instance: your worthy father was a judge on that +Bench; your lordship is 'also' a judge on the same Bench; but it does +not follow that you are a judge 'like wise.'" + +When Meadowbank was about to be raised to the Bench he consulted John +Clerk about the title he should adopt. Clerk's suggestion was "Lord +Preserve Us." The legal acquirements of James Wolfe Murray were not held +in high esteem by his brethren of the Bar, and when he became a judge +with the title of Lord Cringletie, Clerk wrote the following clever +epigram: + + "Necessity and Cringletie + Are fitted to a tittle; + Necessity has nae law, + And Cringletie as little." + +The only man on the Bench for whom John Clerk retained a respectfulness +not generally exhibited to others in that position was Lord President +Blair. After hearing the President overturn without any effort an +argument he had laboriously built up, and which appeared to be regarded +as unsurmountable by the audience who heard it, Clerk sat still for a +few moments, then as he rose to leave the Court he was heard to say: "My +man, God Almighty spared nae pains when He made your brains." + +When he ascended the Bench in his sixty-fifth year, and when his +physical powers were declining, he received the congratulations of his +brother judges, one of whom expressed surprise that he had waited so +long for the distinction. "Well, you see, I did not get 'doited' just as +soon as the rest of you," replied the new-made judge. + +Like the generation preceding his, Clerk was of a very convivial +disposition. Of him the story is told that one Sunday morning, while +people were making their way to church, he appeared at his door in York +Place in his dressing-gown and cowl, with a lighted candle in his hand, +showing out two friends who had been carousing with him, and in the firm +belief that it was about midnight instead of next mid-day. At the +termination of a Bannatyne Club dinner, where wit and wine had contended +for the mastery, the excited judge on the way to his carriage tumbled +downstairs and, _miserabile dictu_, broke his nose, an accident which +compelled him to confine himself to the house for some time. He +reappeared, however, with a large patch on his olfactory member, which +gave a most ludicrous expression to his face. On someone inquiring how +this happened, he said it was the effect of his studies. "Studies!" +ejaculated the inquirer. "Yes," growled the judge; "ye've heard, nae +doot, about _Coke upon Littleton_, but I suppose you never before heard +of _Clerk upon Stair_!" + +When asked by a friend what was the difference between him and Lord +Eldon, the Lord Chancellor of England, Eldin replied; "Oh, there's only +an 'i' of a difference." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CHARLES HAY, LORD NEWTON.] + +Charles Hay (Lord Newton), known in private life as "The Mighty," has +been described by Lord Cockburn as "famous for law, paunch, whist, +claret, and worth." His indulgence in wine and his great bulk made him +slumbrous, and when sitting in Court after getting the gist of a case he +almost invariably fell fast asleep. Yet it is strange to find it +recorded that whenever anything pertinent to the matter under discussion +was said he was immediately wide awake and in full possession of his +reasoning faculties. While a very zealous but inexperienced counsel was +pleading before him, his lordship had been dozing, as usual, for some +time, till at last the young man, supposing him asleep, and confident of +a favourable judgment in his case, stopped short in his pleading and, +addressing the other judges on the Bench, said: "My lords, it is +unnecessary that I should go on, as Lord Newton is fast asleep."--"Ay, +ay," cried Lord Newton, "you will have proof of that by and by"--when, +to the astonishment of the young advocate, after a most luminous view of +the case, he gave a very decided and elaborate judgment against him. + +Lord Jeffrey himself declared that he only went to Oxford to improve his +accent, and according to some of the older members of the Bar of his +days, he only lost his Scots accent and did not learn the English. A +story of his early days at the Bar is related to the effect that when +pleading before Lord Newton the judge stopped him and asked in broad +Scots, "Whaur were ye educat', Maister Jawfrey."--"Oxford, my +lord."--"Then I doot ye maun gang back there again, for we can mak' +nocht o' ye here." But Mr. Jeffrey got back his own. For, before the +same judge, happening to speak of an "itinerant violinist," Lord Newton +inquired: "D'ye mean a blin' fiddler?"--"Vulgarly so called, my lord," +was the reply. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HENRY COCKBURN, LORD COCKBURN.] + +Circuit Courts were in Scotland, in the eighteenth and early years of +the nineteenth century (as in England and Ireland), occasions for a +great display in the county towns in which they were held. Whether the +judges had arrived on horseback or as later in their private carriages, +there was always the procession to the court-house, in which the +notabilities of the district took part. Lord Cockburn, who had no +sympathy with this part of a judge's duties, thus describes one of his +experiences in the early days of his Circuit journeys: "Yet there are +some of us who like the procession, though it can never be anything but +mean and ludicrous, and who fancy that a line of soldiers, or the more +civic array of paltry policemen, or of doited special constables, +protecting a couple of judges who flounder in awkward gowns and wigs +through ill-paved streets, followed by a few sneering advocates and +preceded by two or three sheriffs or their substitutes, with their +swords, which trip them, and a provost and some bailie-bodies trying to +look grand, the whole defended by a poor iron mace, and advancing each +with a different step, to the sound of two cracked trumpets, ill-blown +by a couple of drunken royal trumpeters, the spectators all laughing, +who fancy that all this pretence of greatness and reality of littleness +contributes to the dignity of judges." Things are changed now. Even Lord +Cockburn saw the change that the introduction of railways made in the +progress of Circuit work, and with them a lesser display and more +dignified opening of the courts of justice in local towns. But the older +Circuits were times of much feasting and merriment, in which the judges +of that period took their full share as well as the members of the Bar +accompanying them. In the eyes of some of these old worthies it was part +of the dignity of their position to sit down after Court work at two +o'clock in the morning to a collation of salmon and roast beef, and +drink bumpers of claret and mulled port with the provosts and other +local worthies, although they were due in Court that same morning at +nine to try some miserable creature for a serious crime. Lord Pitmilly +had no stomach for such proceedings, his inclination was stronger for +decorum and law than for revelling. Once at a Circuit town he ordered +his servant to bring to his room a kettle of hot water. Lord Hermand on +his way to dinner at midnight, meeting the servant, said, "God bless +me, is he going to make a whole kettle of punch--and before supper +too?"--"No, my lord, he's going to bed, but he wants to bathe his +feet."--"Feet, sir! what ails his feet? Tell him to put some rum among +it, and to give it all to his stomach." + + * * * * * + +The Circuit sermon was an important part of the duties to which the +judges had to attend in the course of their visits in the country. One +of these that Lord Cockburn had to listen to was delivered from the +text, "What are these that are arrayed in white robes, and whence came +they?" There was nothing personal intended, but the ermine on the judges +gowns naturally attracted significant glances from the other members of +the congregation. A Glasgow clergyman and friend of the judge, not +knowing that his lordship was present in his church, preached from the +text, "There was in a city a judge which feared not God, neither +regarded man." The announcement of the text directed all eyes towards +the learned judge, which attracting the preacher's attention nearly +prevented him from proceeding further with the service. The judge was +the pious Lord Moncreiff, the son of the Rev. Sir Henry Wellwood +Moncreiff, and the text stuck to him ever afterwards. But there seemed +to have been deliberation in selection of the text made by a +south-country minister who, before Lord Justice Boyle and Samuel +M'Cormick, Advocate-Depute, preached from I Samuel vii. 16, "And Samuel +went from year to year in circuit to Bethel, and Gilgal, and Mizpeh." +The two legal gentlemen took offence at this audacious attempt to +ridicule the Court, they identifying the places mentioned in the text as +representing their circuit towns of Jedburgh, Dumfries, and Ayr. In this +connection maybe told the story of Lord Hermand, beside whom stood the +clergyman whose duty it was to offer up the opening prayer before the +work of the Court began. He seemed to think the company had assembled +for no other purpose than to hear him perform, and after praying loud +and long his lordship's patience gave way, and with a decided jog of his +elbow he exclaimed in a stage whisper, "We've a lot of business to do, +sir." + + * * * * * + +From a somewhat rare volume printed for private circulation we are +permitted to quote the following ballad, the authorship of which may be +easily guessed, as the circuiteer who mourns the loss of his Circuit +days may be as easily identified. + + THE EX-CIRCUITEER'S LAMENT + + Ae morning at the dawning + I saw a Counsel yawning, + And heard him say, in accents that were anything but gay, + As sadly he was grinding + At a meikle multiplepoinding,-- + The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away. + + Nae banter frae Lord Deas, + Nae promises o' fees + That never will be paid afore the judgment-day, + Nae lies dubbed "information," + From the worst rogues in the nation,-- + The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away. + + Nae haveral wutty witness, + Displaying his unfitness, + Tae see some sma' distinction 'tween a trial and a play, + Nae witness primed at lunch + Wi' perjuries and punch,-- + The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away. + + Nae laughing-gas orations, + Nae treading on the patience + Of Judges and of Juries, who will let you say your say, + Yet pay but sma' attention + To the gems of your invention,-- + The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away. + + Nae mair delightful wondering + At a new man blandly blundering, + Nae kind hints from the Court that he's gangin far astray, + Nae flowery depictions + In the teeth of ten convictions,-- + The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away. + + Nae whacking ten years' sentence, + Wi' advices o' repentance, + And learn in years of leisure to admire the "law's delay." + Nae fell female fury, + Blackguarding Judge and Jury,-- + The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away. + + Nay grey auld woman sobbing, + Nae mair you'll catch her robbing, + And a' the Christian virtues henceforth she will display, + If the Judge will but have mercy + (For the sixteenth time I daresay),-- + The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away. + + Nae processions, nae pageants, + Nae pawky country agents, + Nae macers, nae trumpeters, wi' tipsy blare and bray, + Nae Councillors or Bailie, + Or Provost smiling gaily,-- + The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away. + + Nae funny cross-examining, + Nae jurymen begammoning, + Nae laughter from the audience, nae gallery's hurrah, + Nae fleeching for acquittal, + Though you don't care a spittle,-- + The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away. + + Nae playing _hocus-pocus_ + With the _tempus_ and the _locus_, + Nae pleas in mitigation (a kittle job are they), + Nae bonny rapes and reivings, + Nae forgeries and thievings,-- + The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away. + + Nae dinners wi' the Judges, + Nae drooning a' your grudges + In deep, deep draughts o' claret, and a' your senses tae, + Nae chatter wise or witty + On ticklish points o' dittay,-- + The days o' my Circuits are a' fled away. + + Nae high-jinks after dinner + Wi' ony madcap sinner, + Nae drinking whisky-toddy until the break o' day, + Nae speeches till a hiccup + Compels a sudden stick-up,-- + The nichts o' my Circuits are a' fled away. + +Lord Hermand's manner on the Bench conveyed the impression that he was +of an impatient, almost savage temper, but in his domestic circle he was +one of the warmest-hearted of men, and one with the simplest of tastes. +His outbursts on the Bench, too, were emphasised by what, in Scotland, +was called "Birr"--the emphatic energy of his pronunciation--which may +be imagined but cannot be transcribed in the following dialogue between +him and Lord Meadowbank. + +Meadowbank: "We are bound to give judgment in terms of the statute, my +lords." + +Hermand: "A statute! What's a statute? Words--mere words. And am _I_ to +be tied down by words? No, my laards; I go by the law of right reason." + +He was a great friend of John Scott (Lord Eldon). In a case appealed to +the House of Lords, Scott had taken the trouble to write out his speech, +and read it over to Hermand, inviting his opinion of it. "It is +delightful--absolutely delightful. I could listen to it for ever," said +Hermand. "It is so beautifully written, and so beautifully read. But, +sir, it's the greatest nonsense! It may do very well for an English +Chancellor, but it would disgrace a clerk with us." The blunder that +drew forth this criticism was a gross one for a Scottish lawyer, but one +an English barrister might readily fall into. + +It was put forward in mitigation of the crime that the prisoner was in +liquor when, either rashly or accidentally, he stabbed his friend. While +the other judges were in favour of a short sentence, Lord Hermand--who +had no sympathy with a man who could not carry his liquor--was vehement +for transportation: "We are told that there was no malice, and that the +prisoner must have been in liquor. In liquor! Why, he was drunk!... And +yet he murdered the very man who had been drinking with him! Good God, +my laards, if he will do this when he is drunk, what will he not do when +he is sober?" + +On one of Lord Hermand's circuits a wag put a musical-box, which played +"Jack Alive," on one of the seats of the Court. The music struck the +audience with consternation, and the judge stared in the air, looking +unutterable things, and frantically called out, "Macer, what in the name +of God is that?" The macer looked round in vain, when the wag called +out, "It's 'Jack Alive,' my lord."--"Dead or alive, put him out this +moment," called out the judge. "We can't grip him, my lord."--"If he has +the art of hell, let every man assist to arraign him before me, that I +may commit him for this outrage and contempt." Everybody tried to +discover the offender, and fortunately the music ceased. But it began +again half an hour afterwards, and the judge exclaimed, "Is he there +again? By all that's sacred, he shall not escape me this time--fence, +bolt, bar the doors of the Court, and at your peril let not a man, +living or dead, escape." All was bustle and confusion, the officers +looked east and west, and up in the air and down on the floor; but the +search was in vain. The judge at last began to suspect witchcraft, and +exclaimed, "This is a _deceptio auris_--it is absolute delusion, +necromancy, phantasmagoria." And to the day of his death the judge never +understood the precise origin of this unwonted visitation. + +On another occasion, in his own Court in the Parliament House, he was +annoyed by a noise near the door, and called to the macer, "What is that +noise?"--"It's a man, my lord."--"What does he want?"--"He _wants in_, +my lord."--"Keep him out!" The man, it seems, did get in, and soon +afterwards a like noise was renewed, and his lordship again demanded, +"What's the noise there?"--"It's the same man, my lord."--"What does he +want now?"--"He _wants out_, my lord."--"Then _keep him in_--I say, +_keep him in_!" + + * * * * * + +Lord President Campbell, after the fashion of those times, was somewhat +addicted to browbeating young counsel; and as bearding a judge on the +Bench is not a likely way to rise in favour, his lordship generally got +it all his own way. Upon one occasion, however, he caught a tartar. His +lordship had what are termed pig's eyes, and his voice was thin and +weak. Corbet, a bold and sarcastic counsel in his younger days, had been +pleading before the Inner House, and as usual the President commenced +his attack, when his intended victim thus addressed him: "My lord, it is +not for me to enter into any altercation with your lordship, for no one +knows better than I do the great difference between us; you occupy the +highest place on the Bench, and I the lowest at the Bar; and then, my +lord, I have not your lordship's voice of thunder--I have not your +lordship's rolling eye of command." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ROBERT MACQUEEN, LORD BRAXFIELD.] + +Robert Macqueen (Lord Braxfield), the prototype of Stevenson's "Weir of +Hermiston," was known as the "hanging judge"--the Judge Jeffreys of +Scotland; but he was a sound judge. He argued a point in a colloquial +style, asking a question, and himself supplying the answer in his clear, +abrupt manner. But he was illiterate, and without the least desire for +refined enjoyment, holding in disdain natures less coarse than his own; +he shocked the feelings of those even of an age which had less decorum +than prevailed in that which succeeded, and would not be tolerated by +the working classes of to-day. Playing whist with a lady, he exclaimed, +"What are ye doin', ye damned auld ...," and then recollecting himself, +"Your pardon's begged, madam; I took ye for my wife." When his butler +gave up his place because his lordship's wife was always scolding him: +"Lord," he exclaimed, "ye've little to complain o'; ye may be thankfu' +ye're no mairred to her." + +His most notorious sayings from the Bench were uttered during the trials +for sedition towards the end of the eighteenth century, and even some of +these are too coarse for repetition. "Ye're a very clever chiel," he +said to one of the prisoners; "but ye wad be nane the waur o' a +hangin'." And to a juror arriving late in Court he said, "Come awa, +Maister Horner, come awa and help us to hang ane o' they damned +scoondrels." Hanging was his term for all kinds of punishment. + +To Margarot, a Baptist minister of Dundee--another of the political +prisoners of that time--he said, "Hae ye ony coonsel, man?"--"No," +replied Margarot. "Dae ye want tae hae ony appointed?" continued the +Justice-Clerk. "No," replied the prisoner, "I only want an interpreter +to make me understand what your lordship says." + + * * * * * + +We have already referred to Lord Moncreiff's piety, and to it must be +added his great simplicity of nature. Like many of his predecessors, he +had a habit of making long speeches to prisoners on their conviction; +but his intention was to help them to a better mode of life, not to +aggravate their feelings by silly or coarse remarks. This habit, +however, led him occasionally into enunciating principles which rather +astonished his friends. In a murder case he found that the woman killed +was not the wife of the prisoner but his mistress, which led his +lordship to explain to the prisoner that it might have been some apology +for his crime had the woman been his wife, because there was difficulty +in getting rid of her any other way. But the victim being only his +associate he could have left her at any time, and consequently there +were absolutely no ameliorating circumstances in the case. From this +point of view it would seem to have been (in Lord Moncreiff's eyes) less +criminal to murder a wife than a mistress. In another, a bigamy case, +after referring to the perfidy and cruelty to the women and their +relations, Lord Cockburn reports him to have said: "All this is bad; but +your true iniquity consists in this, that you degraded that holy +ceremony which our blessed Saviour _condescended_ to select as the type +of the connection between him and His redeemed Church." + +In the Court of Session, the judges who do not attend or give a proper +excuse for their absence are (or were) liable to a fine. This, +however, is never enforced: but it is customary on the first day of the +session for the absentee to send an excuse to the Lord President. Lord +Stonefield having sent an excuse, and the Lord President mentioning that +he had done so, the Lord Justice-Clerk said: "What excuse can a stout +fellow like him hae?"--"My lord," said the President, "he has lost his +wife." To which the Justice-Clerk replied: "Has he? That is a gude +excuse indeed, I wish we had a' the same." + + * * * * * + +Lord Cockburn's looks, tones, language, and manner were always such as +to make one think that he believed every word he said. On one occasion, +before he was raised to the Bench, when defending a murderer, although +he failed to convince the judge and jurymen of the innocence of his +client, yet he convinced the murderer himself that he was innocent. +Sentence of death was pronounced, and the day of execution fixed for the +3rd of March. As Lord Cockburn was passing the condemned man, the latter +seized him by the gown, saying: "I have not got justice!" To this the +advocate coolly replied: "Perhaps not; but you'll get it on the 3rd of +March." + +Cockburn's racy humour displayed itself in another serious case; one in +which a farm-servant was charged with maiming his master's cattle by +cutting off their tails. A consultation was held on the question of the +man's mental condition at which the farmer was present, and at the close +of it some conversation took place about the disposal of the cattle. +Turning to the farmer Cockburn said that they might be sold, but that he +would have to dispose of them wholesale for he could not now _retail_ +them. + +He was walking on the hillside on his estate of Bonaly, near Edinburgh, +talking to his shepherd, and speculating about the reasons why his sheep +lay on what seemed to be the least sheltered and coldest situation on +the hill. Said his lordship: "John, if I were a sheep I would lie on the +other side of the hill." The shepherd answered: "Ay, my lord; but if ye +had been a sheep ye would have had mair sense." + +Sitting long after the usual hour listening to a prosy counsel, Lord +Cockburn was commiserated by a friend as they left the Court together +with the remark: "Counsel has encroached very much on your time, my +lord."--"Time, time," exclaimed his lordship; "he has exhausted time and +encroached on eternity." + +When a young advocate, Cockburn was a frequent visitor at Niddrie +Marischal, near Edinburgh, the residence of Mr. Wauchope. This gentleman +was very particular about church-going, but one Sunday he stayed at home +and his young guest started for the parish church accompanied by one of +his host's handsomest daughters. On their way they passed through the +garden, and were so beguiled by the gooseberry bushes that the time +slipped away and they found themselves too late for the service. At +dinner the laird inquired of his daughter what the text was, and when +she failed to tell him he put the question to Cockburn, who at once +replied: "The woman whom thou gavest to be with me she gave me of the +fruit and I did eat." + +Jeffrey and Cockburn were counsel together in a case in which it was +sought to prove that the heir of an estate was of low capacity, and +therefore incapable of administrating his affairs. Jeffrey had vainly +attempted to make a country witness understand his meaning as he spoke +of the mental imbecility and impaired intellect of the party. Cockburn +rose to his relief, and was successful at once. "D'ye ken young Sandy +----?"--"Brawly," said the witness; "I've kent him sin' he was a +laddie."--"An' is there onything in the cratur, d'ye think?"--"Deed," +responded the witness, "there's naething in him ava; he wadna ken a coo +frae a cauf!" + +When addressing the jury in a case in which an officer of the army was a +witness, Jeffrey frequently referred to him as "this soldier." The +witness, who was in Court, bore this for a time, but at last, +exasperated, exclaimed, "I am not a soldier, I'm an officer!"--"Well, +gentlemen of the jury," proceeded Jeffrey, "this officer, who on his own +statement is no soldier," &c. + +Patrick, Lord Robertson, one of the senators of the College of Justice, +was a great humorist. He was on terms of intimacy with the late Mr. +Alexander Douglas, W.S., who, on account of the untidiness of his +person, was known by the sobriquet of "Dirty Douglas." Lord Robertson +invited his friend to accompany him to a ball. "I would go," said Mr. +Douglas, "but I don't care about my friends knowing that I attend +balls."--"Why, Douglas," replied the senator, "put on a well-brushed +coat and a clean shirt, and nobody will know you." When at the Bar, +Robertson was frequently entrusted with cases by Mr. Douglas. Handing +his learned friend a fee in Scottish notes, Mr. Douglas remarked: "These +notes, Robertson, are, like myself, getting old."--"Yes, they're both +old and dirty, Douglas," rejoined Robertson. + +When Robertson was attending an appeal case in the House of Lords he +received great attention from Lord Brougham. This gave rise to a report +in the Parliament House of Edinburgh that the popular Tory advocate had +"ratted" to the Liberal side in politics, which found expression in the +following _jeu d'esprit_: + + "When Brougham by Robertson was told + He'd condescend a place to hold, + The Chancellor said, with wondering eyes, + Viewing the _Rat's_ tremendous size, + 'That you a place would hold is true, + But where's the place that would hold you?'" + +Lord Rutherford when at the Bar put an illustration to the Bench in +connection with a church case. "Suppose the Justiciary Court condemned a +man to be hanged, however unjustly, could that man come into this Court +of Session and ask your lordships to interfere?" and he turned round +very majestically to Robertson opposing him. "Oh, my lords," said +Robertson, "a case of suspension, clearly." + +When a sheriff, Rutherford, dining with a number of members of the legal +profession, had to reply to the toast, "The Bench of Scotland." In +illustration of a trite remark that all litigants could not be expected +to have the highest regard for the judges who have tried their cases, he +told the following story: A worthy but unfortunate south-country farmer +had fought his case in the teeth of adverse decisions in the Lower +Courts to the bitter end in one of the divisions of the Court of +Session. After the decision of this tribunal affirming the judgment he +had appealed against, and thus finally blasting his fondest hopes, he +was heard to mutter as he left the Court: "They ca' themselves senators +o' the College o' Justice, but it's ma opeenion they're a' the waur o' +drink!" + + * * * * * + +It was only a small point of law, but the two counsel were hammering at +each other tooth and nail. They had been submitting this and that to his +lordship for twenty minutes, and growing more and more heated as they +argued. At last: "You're an ass, sir!" shrieked one. "And you're a liar, +sir!" roared the other. Then the judge woke up. "Now that counsel have +identified each other," said he, "let us proceed to the disputed +points." + +A recent eminent judge of the Scottish Bench when sitting to an artist +for his portrait was asked what he thought of the likeness. His +lordship's reply was that he thought it good enough, but he would have +liked "to see a little more dislike to Gladstone's Irish Bills in the +expression." + +Lord Shand's shortness of stature has been a theme of several stories. +When he left Edinburgh after sitting as a judge of the Court of Session +for eighteen years, one of his colleagues suggested that a statue ought +to be erected to him. "Or shall we say a statuette?" was the remark of +another friend. His lordship lived at Newhailes--the property of one of +the Dalrymple family, several members of which were eminent judges in +the late seventeenth and the early eighteenth centuries--and travelled +to town by rail. The guard was a pawky Aberdonian, and had evidently +been greatly struck by Lord Shand's appearance, for his customary +salutation to him, delivered no doubt in a parental and patronising +fashion, was: "And fu (how) are ye the day, ma lordie?" His lordship's +manner of receiving this greeting is not recorded. Still another +anecdote on the same subject is that when still an advocate, it was +proposed to make Mr. Shand a Judge of Assize. On the proposal being +mentioned to a colleague famous for his caustic wit, the latter with a +good-humoured sneer which raised a hearty laugh at the expense of his +genial friend, remarked: "Ah, a judge of a size, indeed." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GEORGE YOUNG, LORD YOUNG.] + +Lord Young's wit was of this caustic turn and not infrequently was +intended to sting the person to whom it was addressed. An advocate was +wending his weary way through a case one day, and in the course of +making a point he referred to a witness who had deponed that he had seen +two different things at one time and consequently contradicted himself. +Lord Young gave vent to the feelings of his colleagues in the Second +Division of the Court, when he interrupted thus: + +"Oh, Mr. B----, I can see more than two things at one time. I can see +your paper, and beyond your paper I can see you, and beyond you I can +see the clock, and I can see that you have been labouring for an hour +over a point that is capable of being expressed in a sentence." + +In the course of an argument in the same division, counsel had occasion +to refer to "Fraser" (a brother judge) "on Husband and Wife." Lord +Young, interrupting, asked: 'Hasn't Fraser another book?'--'Yes, my +lord, 'Master and Servant!''--'Well,' said Lord Young, 'isn't that the +same thing?' + +Owing to a vacancy on the Bench having been kept open for a long period, +Lord Young's roll had become very heavy. Hearing that a new colleague +had been appointed, and like the late judge had adopted a title ending +in "hill," he gratefully quoted the lines of the one hundred and +twenty-first psalm: + + "I to the hills will lift mine eyes, + From whence doth come mine aid." + +Before the same judge, two prominent advocates in their day were +debating a case. One of them was a particularly well-known figure, the +feature of whose pinafore, if he wore one, would be its extensive girth. +The other advocate, who happened to be rather slim, was addressing his +lordship: "My learned friend and I are particularly at one upon this +point. I may say, my lord, that we are virtually in the same boat." Here +his opponent broke in: "No, no, my lord, we are nothing of the kind. I +do not agree with that." Lord Young, leaning across the bench, remarked: +"No, I suppose you would need a whole boat to yourself." + +It is also attributed to Lord Young that, when Mr. Baird of Cambusdoon +bequeathed a large sum of money to the Church of Scotland to found the +lectureship delivered under the auspices of the Baird Trust, he +remarked that it was the highest fire insurance premium he had ever +heard of. "Possibly, my lord," observed a fire insurance manager who +heard the remark; "but you will admit that cases occur where the premium +scarcely covers the risk." + +Lord Guthrie tells that when, as an advocate, he was engaged in a case +before Lord Young, he mentioned that his client was a Free Church +minister. "Well," said Lord Young, "that may be, but for all that he may +perhaps be quite a respectable man." + +And there is the story that when Mr. Young was Lord Advocate for +Scotland a vacancy occurred on the Bench and two names were mentioned in +connection with it. One was that of Mr. Horne, Dean of Faculty, a very +tall man, and the other Lord Shand. "So, Mr. Young," said a friend, +"you'll be going to appoint Horne?"--"I doubt if I will get his length," +was the reply. "Oh, then," queried the friend, "you'll be going to +appoint Shand?"--"It's the least I could do," answered the witty Lord +Advocate. + + * * * * * + +"What is your occupation?" asked Lord Ardwall of a witness in a case. "A +miner, sir."--"Good; and how old are you?"--"Twenty, sir."--"Ah, then +you are a minor in more senses than one." Whereat, no doubt, the Court +laughed. "Now, my lord, we come to the question of commission received +by the witness, which I was forgetting," said a counsel before the same +judge one day. "Ah, don't commit the omission of omitting the +commission," replied his lordship. + +An unfortunate miner had been hit on the head by a lump of coal, and the +judges of the First Division of the Court of Session were considering +whether his case raised a question of law or of fact. "The only law I +can see in the matter," said Lord Maclaren, "is the law of gravitation." + +In a fishing case heard in the Court of Session some years ago, a good +deal of evidence was led on the subject of taking immature salmon from a +river in the north. The case was an important one, and the evidence was +taken down in shorthand notes and printed for the use of the judge and +counsel next day. The evidence of one of the witnesses with respect to +certain of the salmon taken was that "some of them were kelts." When his +lordship turned over the pages of the printed evidence next morning to +refresh his memory, he was astonished to find it stated by one of the +witnesses in regard to the salmon that "some of them wore kilts." + +Many other stories, particularly of the older judges, might be given, +were they not too well known. We may therefore close this chapter with +the following epigram by a Scottish writer, which is decidedly pointed +and clever, and has the additional merit of being self-explanatory: + + "He was a burglar stout and strong, + Who held, 'It surely can't be wrong, + To open trunks and rifle shelves, + For God helps those who help themselves.' + But when before the Court he came, + And boldly rose to plead the same, + The judge replied--'That's very true; + You've helped yourself--_now God help you!_'" + + + + +CHAPTER SIX + +THE ADVOCATES OF SCOTLAND + + + "Ye lawyers who live upon litigants' fees, + And who need a good many to live at your ease, + Grave or gay, wise or witty, whate'er your degree, + Plain stuff, or Queen's Counsel, take counsel from me, + When a festive occasion your spirit unbends, + You should never forget the profession's best friends; + So we'll send round the wine and a bright bumper fill + To the jolly Testator who makes his own will." + + NEAVES: _Songs and Verses_. + + + + +CHAPTER SIX + +THE ADVOCATES OF SCOTLAND + + +Since days when Sir Walter Scott gathered round him at the fireplace in +the Parliament Hall of Edinburgh a company of young brother advocates to +hear the latest of Lord Eskgrove's eccentric sayings from the Bench, +that rendezvous has been the favourite resort for story-telling among +succeeding generations of counsel. While the Court is in session, they +vary their daily walk up and down the hall by lounging round the spot +where the future Wizard of the North proved a strong counter-attraction +to many an interesting case being argued before a Lord Ordinary in the +alcoves on the opposite side of the hall, which was then the "Outer +House." It is even asserted that this same fireplace is the hatchery of +many of the amusing paragraphs daily appearing in a column of a certain +Edinburgh newspaper. But of all the witticisms that have enlivened the +dull hours of the briefless barrister in that historic hall during the +past century, none will stand the test of time or be read with so much +pleasure as those of that prince of wits, the Hon. Henry Erskine. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE HON. HENRY ERSKINE, LORD ADVOCATE AND DEAN OF FACULTY +OF ADVOCATES.] + +Hairry, as he was familiarly called both by judge and counsel, was in an +eminent degree the "advocate of the people." It is said that a poor man +in a remote district of Scotland thus answered an acquaintance who +wished to dissuade him from "going to law" with a wealthy neighbour, by +representing the hopelessness of being able to meet the expenses of +litigation. "Ye dinna ken what ye're saying, maister," replied the +litigious northerner; "there's no' a puir man in a' Scotland need want a +freen' or fear a foe, sae lang as Hairry Erskine lives." + +When the autocratic reign of Henry Dundas as Lord Advocate was for a +time eclipsed, Henry Erskine was his successor in the Whig interest. In +his good-humoured way Dundas proposed to lend Erskine his embroidered +gown, suggesting that it would not be long before he (Dundas) would +again be in office. "Thank you," said Hairry, "I am well aware it is +made to suit any party, but it will never be said of me that I assumed +the abandoned habits of my predecessor." + +Having been speaking in the Outer House at the Bar of Lord Swinton, a +very good, but a very slow and deaf judge, Erskine was called away to +Lord Braxfield's Court. On appearing his lordship said: "Well, Dean" (he +was then Dean of the Faculty of Advocates), "what is this you've been +talking so loudly about to my Lord Swinton?"--"About a cask of whisky, +my lord, but I found it no easy matter to make it run in his lordship's +head." + +He was once defending a client, a lady of the name of Tickell, before +one of the judges who was an intimate friend, and he opened his +address to his lordship in these terms: "Tickell, my client, my lord." +But the judge was equal to the occasion and interrupted him by saying: +"Tickle her yourself, Harry, you're as able to do it as I am." + +Lord Balmuto was a ponderous judge and not very "gleg in the uptak" (did +not readily see a point), and retained the utmost gravity while the +whole Court was convulsed with laughter at some joke of the witty Dean. +Hours later, when another case was being heard, the judge would suddenly +exclaim: "Eh, Maister Hairry, a' hae ye noo, a' hae ye noo, vera guid, +vera guid." + +Hugo Arnot, a brother advocate, a tall, cadaverous-looking man, who +suffered from asthma, was one day munching a speldin (a sun-dried +whiting or small haddock, a favourite article supplied at that time, and +till a generation ago, by certain Edinburgh shops). Erskine coming up to +Arnot, the latter explained that he was having his lunch. "So I see," +said Harry, "and you're very like your meat." On another occasion these +two worthies were discussing future punishment for errors of the flesh, +Arnot taking a liberal, and Erskine a strongly Calvinist view. As they +were parting Erskine said to Arnot, referring to his spare figure: + + "For ---- and blasphemy by the mercy of heaven + To flesh and to blood much may be forgiven, + But I've searched all the Scriptures and text I find none + That the same is extended to skin and to bone." + +Erskine's brother, the extremely eccentric Lord Buchan, who thought +himself as great a jester as his two younger brothers, the Lord +Chancellor of England and the Dean of Faculty of Advocates, one day +putting his head below the lock of a door, exclaimed: "See, Harry, +here's Locke on the Human Understanding."--"Rather a poor edition, my +lord," replied the younger brother. + +Sir James Colquhoun, Baronet of Luss, Principal Clerk of Session, +towards the close of the eighteenth century was one of the odd +characters of his time, and was made the butt of all the wags of the +Parliament House. On one occasion, whilst Henry Erskine was in the Court +in which Sir James was on duty, he amused himself by making faces at the +Principal Clerk, who was greatly annoyed at the strange conduct of the +tormenting lawyer. Unable to bear it longer, he disturbed the gravity of +the Court by rising from the table at which he sat and exclaiming, "My +lord, my lord, I wish you would speak to Harry, he's aye making faces at +me." Harry, however, looked as grave as a judge and the work of the +Court proceeded, until Sir James, looking again towards the bar, +witnessed a new grimace from his tormentor, and convulsed Bench, Bar, +and audience by roaring out: "There, there, my lord, see he's at it +again." + +Hugo Arnot's eccentricity took various forms. In his house in South St. +Andrew Street, in the new town of Edinburgh, he greatly annoyed a lady +who lived in the same tenement by the violence with which he kept +ringing his bell for his servant. The lady complained; but what was her +horror next day to hear several pistol-shots fired in the house, which +was Arnot's new method of demanding his valet's immediate attendance. + +In his professional capacity, however, he was guided by a high sense of +honour and of moral obligation. In a case submitted for his +consideration, which seemed to him to possess neither of these +qualifications, he with a very grave face said to his client: "Pray what +do you suppose me to be?"--"Why, sir," answered the client, "I +understood you to be a lawyer."--"I thought, sir," replied Arnot, "you +took me for a scoundrel." On another occasion he was consulted by a +lady, not remarkable either for youth or beauty or for good temper, as +to the best method of getting rid of the importunities of a rejected +admirer. After having told her story and claiming a relationship with +him because her own name was Arnot, she wound up with: "Ye maun advise +me what I ought to do with this impertinent fellow."--"Oh, marry him by +all means, it's the only way to get quit of his importunities," was +Arnot's advice. "I would see him hanged first," retorted the lady. +"Nay, madam," rejoined Arnot, "marry him directly as I said before, and +by the Lord Harry he'll soon hang himself." + + * * * * * + +Of the convivial habits of the Bar as well as the Bench in Scotland at +this period many stories are told. The Second Lord President Dundas once +refused to listen to counsel who obviously showed signs of having come +into Court fresh from a tavern debauch. The check given by the President +appeared to effect some sobering of the counsel's faculties and he +immediately addressed his lordship upon the dignity of the Faculty of +Advocates, winding up a long harangue with: "It is our duty and our +privilege to speak, my lord, and it is your duty and your privilege to +hear." + +Another counsel in a similar condition of haziness hurriedly entered the +Court and took up the case in which he was engaged; but forgetting for +which side he had been fee'd, to the unutterable amazement of the agent, +delivered a long and fervent speech in the teeth of the interests he had +been expected to support. When at last the agent made him understand the +mistake he had made, he with infinite composure resumed his oration by +saying: "Such, my lord, is the statement you will probably hear from my +brother on the opposite side of the case. I shall now show your lordship +how utterly untenable are the principles and how distorted are the +facts upon which this very specious statement has proceeded." And so he +went over the same ground and most angelically refuted himself from the +beginning of his former pleading to the end. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ANDREW CROSBIE, ADVOCATE, "Pleydell."] + +When a barrister, pleading before Lord Mansfield, pronounced a Latin +word with a false quantity his lordship rarely let the opportunity pass +without exhibiting his own precise knowledge of that language. "My +lords," said the Scottish advocate, Crosbie, at the bar of the House of +Lords, "I have the honour to appear before your lordships as counsel for +the Cur[)a]tors."--"Ugh," groaned the Westminster-Oxford law lord, +softening his reproof by an allusion to his Scottish nationality, +"Cur[=a]tors, Mr. Crosbie, Cur[=a]tors: I wish _our_ countrymen would +pay a little more attention to prosody."--"My lord," replied Mr. +Crosbie, with delightful readiness and composure, "I can assure you that +_our_ countrymen are very proud of your lordship as the greatest +sen[=a]tor and or[=a]tor of the present age." + +A very young Scottish advocate, afterwards an eminent judge on the +Scottish Bench, pleading before the House of Lords, ventured to +challenge some early judgments of that House, on which he was abruptly +asked by Lord Brougham: "Do you mean, sir, to call in question the +solemn decisions of this venerable tribunal?"--"Yes, my lord," coolly +replied the young counsel, "there are some people in Scotland who are +bold enough to dispute the soundness of some of your lordship's _own_ +decisions." + + * * * * * + +Sheriff Logan, when pleading before Lord Cunningham in a case which +involved numerous points of form, on some of which he ventured to +express an opinion, was repeatedly interrupted by old Beveridge, the +judge's clerk--a great authority on matters of form--who unfortunately +possessed a very large nasal organ, which literally overhung his mouth. +"No, no," said the clerk, as the sheriff was quietly explaining the +practice in certain cases. On which Logan, somewhat nettled at the blunt +interruption, coolly replied: "But, my lord, I say: 'Yes, yes, yes,' in +spite of Mr. Beveridge's _noes_." + +In the days of Sheriff Harper, Mr. Richard Lees, solicitor, Galashiels, +was engaged in a case for a client who was not overburdened with the +necessary funds for legal proceedings. However, he was thought good +enough for the expenses in the case. The action went against Mr. Lees' +client, and then Mr. Lees rose to plead for modified expenses. But the +client leant across to speak to the lawyer and said in a hoarse whisper +audible over the Court: "Dinna stent (limit) yoursels for the expenses +for a haena a fardin'." This was too much even for the gravity of the +Bench. + +Not many years ago, in the High Court at Glasgow, a case was heard +before an eminent judge still on the Scottish Bench, in which the +accused had committed a very serious assault and robbery. He was unable +to engage counsel for his defence, and the usual course was adopted of +putting his case in the hands of "counsel for the poor." There was +really no defence; but the young advocate who undertook the task had to +make the best of it, and the plea he put forward was that the accused +was so drunk at the time he did not know what he was doing. It was the +best thing he could do in the circumstances, as all the success he could +expect to make with a well-known felon was a mitigation of the sentence. +When it came to his time to address the Court, he set out in the +following fashion: "My lord and gentlemen of the jury, you all know what +it is to be drunk." + +It is most important to be exact in stating the times of the movements +of a person accused of murder. In a recent case this point was very +minutely examined by an advocate in the Scottish Court. One witness +deponed that she saw the accused in a certain place at 5.40 P.M. "Are +you sure," asked the learned counsel in a tone calculated to make a +witness not quite sure after all, "are you sure it was not twenty +minutes to six?" And then he seemed surprised at the laughter his +question had raised. + +When Mr. Ludovick Mair, who was a very short man, was Sheriff-Substitute +of Lanarkshire, he was called upon, at an Ayrshire Burns Club dinner, to +propose the toast of the "Ayrshire Lasses." After alluding to the honour +that had been conferred upon him, happily said that "Provided his fair +clients were prepared to be 'contented wi' little and canty wi' mair,' +he had no compunction in performing the agreeable duty." + +In the Glasgow Small Debt Court where the sheriff frequently presided, a +young lawyer's exhaustive eloquence in striving to prove that his client +was not due the sum sued for, drew from his lordship the following +interruption: "Excuse me, sir, but throughout the conflict and turmoil +engendered by this desperate dispute with the pursuer I presume the +British Empire is not in any danger?"--"No, my lord," came the reply, +"but I fear after that interrogation from your lordship my client's case +is?" + +On one occasion the sheriff, becoming impatient with an agent's +protracted speech, rebuked him thus: "Be brief, be brief, my dear sir; +time is short and eternity is long!" And again on being asked by an +agent not to allow a witty old Irishman to act as the spokesman of "the +defendant" on the ground that the Irishman was not now in the +defendant's employment, the sheriff sternly said to the would-be +witness: "Now, answer me truthfully, mirthful Michael, are you or are +you not in the defendant's employment?"--"Well, my lord of lords," was +the reply, "that is to say, in the learned phraseology of the law, _pro +tem_ I am and _ultimo_ and _proximo_ I amn't." + + * * * * * + +Two stories are told of the late Sheriff Balfour. His lordship was +addressing a prisoner at unusual length, when he was interrupted more +than once by a _sotto voce_ observation from his then clerk, who was +very impatient when the luncheon hour drew near. Accustomed to this +interruption, the sheriff, as a rule, took no notice of them. On this +occasion, however, he threw down his quill with a show of annoyance, +leaned back in his chair, and addressed the interrupter thus: "I say, +Mr. ----, are you, or am I, sheriff here?" Promptly came the unabashed +reply: "You, of course; but your lordship knows that this woman has been +frequently here," meaning that it was idle to address words of counsel +to the prisoner. On another occasion, the sheriff was pulled up by a +male prisoner, who took exception to his version of the story of the +crime, and concluded: "So you see I've got your lordship there."--"Have +you?" was the sheriff's rejoinder. "No, but I've got you--three months +hard." + +A law agent was talking at length against an opinion which Sheriff +Balfour had already indicated. Twice the sheriff essayed in vain to +stay the torrent that was flowing uselessly past the mill. At last, in a +more decided tone, he asked the agent to allow him just one word, after +which he would engage not to interrupt him again. "Certainly, milord," +said the agent. "Decree," said the sheriff. + + * * * * * + +Counsel who are briefless and who spend much time in perambulating the +floor of Parliament Hall should be as careful in their dress as their +more fortunate neighbours who jostle each other in the lobbies as they +rush from one Court to another. A company of Americans visiting the +Courts one day made a casual inquiry of one of the advocates "in +waiting," who politely offered to show them all that is to be seen. As +they were leaving, one of the party caught hold of a passing solicitor +and after apologising for stopping him inquired: "This--this--this +gentleman has been very good in showing us over your beautiful place. +Would it be correct to give him something?"--"Yes, certainly," said the +busy practitioner, "and it will be the first fee he has earned, to my +knowledge, for the last ten years." + +An advocate of the present day, in trying to induce the Second Division +of the Court of Session to reverse a decision pronounced in Glasgow +Sheriff Court somewhat startled the Bench by reminding them that their +lordships were only mortal after all. "Are you quite sure of that?" +asked the presiding judge. Counsel judiciously refrained from replying +to this poser. The incident recalls an occasion in the Second Division +when it was presided over by Lord Justice-Clerk Moncreiff. A junior +counsel was debating a case in the division, and, apparently finding he +was not making much headway, invited their lordships to imagine for the +moment that they were navvies, and to look at the question from the +point of view of the worker. In stately tones the Lord Justice-Clerk +informed the audacious junior that his invitation was unsuited to the +dignity of the Court. + + * * * * * + +A learned counsel at the Bar prided himself on the juvenility of his +appearance, and boasted that he looked twenty years younger than he was. +He was cross-examining a very prepossessing and uncommonly +self-possessed young woman as to the age of a person whom she knew quite +well, but could get no satisfactory answer. "Well," he persisted, "but +surely you must have been able to make a good guess at his age, having +seen him often."--"People don't always look their age."--"No, but you +can surely form a good idea from their looks. Now, how old should you +say I am?" "You might be sixty by your looks, but judging by the +questions you ask I should say about sixteen!" + +Much amusement is afforded by the answers given by witnesses to judges +and counsel. They form the theme of legions of stories, and we append a +selection to this chapter of legal wit of the Bar. + +An Irishman before Lord Ardwall was giving evidence on the question +whether having lived eleven years in Glasgow he was a domiciled +Scotsman. He swore that he was, and as a question of succession depended +upon the domicile the point was of importance. The opposing counsel +thought he had him cornered when on the list of voters for an Irish +constituency he found the witness's name. But Pat was equal to the +occasion. "It's a safe sate," he said; "they never revise the lists," +and by way of clinching the argument, he added: "Shure there's men in +Oireland who have been in their graves for twenty years who voted at the +last election." + +Legal gentlemen sometimes resort to methods not quite in accordance with +usual practice to elicit information from stubborn witnesses. In Glasgow +Sheriff Court one day a somewhat long and involved question was +addressed by the cross-examining agent to a witness who, from his stout +build and imperturbable manner, looked the embodiment of Scottish +caution. The witness, who was not to be so easily "had," having regarded +his questioner with a steady gaze for the space of almost a minute, at +last broke silence: "Would you mind, sir," said he, "just repeating +that question, and splitting it into bits?" And after the Court had +regained its composure the discomfited agent humbly proceeded to +subdivide the question. + + * * * * * + +In the old days when Highlanders "kist oot" (quarrelled) they resorted +to the claymore, but the hereditary fighting spirit appears nowadays in +an appeal to the law. Perth Sheriff Courts witness many a "bout" between +the stalwarts, who are not amiss to clash all round if need be. "You +must have been in very questionable company at the show?" inquired a +sheriff of a farmer. "Weel, ma lord--you wis the last gentleman I spoke +to that day as I was coming oot!" was his reply. + +The pointed insinuation to another witness in a claim case at the same +Court. "I think I have seen you here rather often of late," drew the +reply, "Nae doot, if a'm no takin' onybody here--then it's them that's +takin' me!" + +Quite recently an old farmer in Perthshire, who had been rather severely +cross-examined by the opposing counsel, had his sweet revenge when the +sheriff, commenting on the case, inquired: "There seems to be a great +deal of dram-dramming at C---- on Tuesdays, I imagine?"--"Aye, whiles," +was the canny reply--and immediately following it up, as he pointed +across at the rival lawyer, he continued--"an' that nicker ower there +can tak' a bit dram wi' the best o' them!" + +A young advocate, as junior in a licensing club case, had to +cross-examine the certifying Justice of the Peace who was very diffuse +and rather evasive in his answers. "Speak a little more simply and to +the point, please," said counsel mildly. "You are a little ambiguous, +you know."--"I am not, sir," replied the witness indignantly; "I have +been teetotal for a year." + +It is a fact well known to lawyers that it is a risky thing to call +witnesses to character unless you know exactly beforehand what they are +going to say. Here is an instance in point. "You say you have known the +prisoner all your life?" said the counsel. "Yes, sir," was the reply. +"Now," was the next question, "in your opinion is he a man who is likely +to have been guilty of stealing this money?"--"Well," said the witness +thoughtfully, "how much was it?" + +In a County Sheriff Court his lordship addressed a witness: "You said +you drove a milk-cart, didn't you?" "No, sir, I didn't."--"Don't you +drive a milk-cart?" "No, sir."--"Ah! then what do you do, sir?"--"I +drive a horse." + +A well-known lawyer not now in practice, who had risen from humble +parentage to be Procurator Fiscal of his county, once got a sharp retort +from a witness in Court. It was a case of law-burrows--well known in +Scotland--which requires a person to give security against doing +violence to another. A lady had assaulted a priest who in the discharge +of his duty had been visiting her husband--a member of his flock. The +lady was herself a Protestant, and suspected the reverend gentleman of +designs on her husband's property for behoof of his Church. The witness +in the box was prepared on every point, and the following dialogue +ensued--P.F.: "Who was your father?" Lady: "My father was a gentleman." +P.F.: "Yes, but who was he?" Lady: "He was a good man and much +respected, although he didn't make such a noise in the world as yours." +The P.F.'s father had been the town crier. + +Perhaps it was to the same lawyer who asked the question of a labouring +man: "Are you the husband of the previous witness?" and got the answer: +"I dinna ken onything aboot the previous witness, but if it was Mrs. +----, a'm her man." + + * * * * * + +The macer who calls the cases coming before the judges in Court was in +older days an interesting personality. Lord Cockburn recalls the time +when this duty was performed by the "crier" putting his head out of a +small window high up in the wall of the Parliament House and shouting +down to the counsel and agents assembled below him. Now it is performed +from a raised dais on the floor of the hall, and it is no joke when the +macer has to call in stentorian tones such a case as "Dampskibsselskabet +Danmary _v._ John Smith." Learned members of the Faculty approach such a +difficulty otherwise. During "motions" one day an astute counsel said, +"In number 11 of your lordship's roll." "What did you call it?" inquired +the judge. "I called it number 11," naively replied counsel. The case +was "Fiskiveidschlutafjelagid Island _v._ Standard Fishing Company." + + * * * * * + +The administration of the oath in Courts of Justice is apt to become +perfunctory, and some sheriffs shorten the formula, so that it is +administered somewhat after this fashion: "I swearbalmitygod, that I +will tell the truth, the wholetruth, anothingbuthetruth." There is one +sheriff more punctilious, and recently he administered the oath to a +female witness, making her recite it in sections after him. "I swear by +Almighty God" (pause). Witness: "I swear by Almighty God."--"As I shall +answer to God." Witness: "As I shall answer to God."--"At the Great Day +of Judgment." The witness stumbled over this clause, and the sheriff had +to repeat it twice. As she ran more glibly over the concluding words, +the sheriff remarked: "It's extraordinary how many people come to this +Court who seem never to have heard of that great occasion." + +This is what took place in a Glasgow Court. Sheriff: "Repeat this after +me, 'I swear by Almighty God.'" Witness: "I swear by Almighty God." +Sheriff: "I will tell the truth." Witness: "I will tell the truth." +Sheriff: "The whole truth." Witness: "I HOPE so!" + +In Edinburgh Sheriff Small Debt Court the oath was administered to a +witness who was dull of hearing. "I swear by Almighty God," said the +sheriff. The witness put his hollowed hand to his ear and asked: "Wha +dae ye sweer by?" Many Court reporters have heard a witness swear to +tell "the truth, the whole truth, and anything but the truth"; and one +old lady (mistaking certain words recited by the judge) affirmed her +determination to tell the truth "with a great deal of judgment." + + * * * * * + +As we indicated at the beginning of this volume, stories of wit and +humour from the ranks of agents in the legal profession are much rarer +than in those of the Bench and the Bar. From the _Court of Session +Garland_ we quote the following relating to a worthy practitioner in the +days when Councillor Pleydell played "high jinks" in his favourite +tavern. + +In old times some stray agents in Scotland might be found who were not +particularly distinguished for professional attainments, and who +sometimes could not "draw" a paper as it is termed. One of these +worthies was impressed with the idea that his powers were equal to the +preparation of a petition for the appointment of a factor. His clerk was +summoned, pens, ink, and paper placed before him, and the process of +dictation commenced: "Unto the Right Honourable." "Right Honourable," +echoed the clerk. "The Lords of Council and Session."--"Session," +continued the scribe--"the Petition of Alexander Macdonald, tenant in +Skye--Skye--humbly sheweth--sheweth." "Stop, John, read what I've +said."--"Yes, sir. 'Unto the Right Honourable the Lords of Council and +Session the Petition of Alexander Macdonald, tenant in Skye, humbly +sheweth.'"--"Very well, John, very well. Where did you stop?"--"Humbly +sheweth--that the petitioner--petitioner"--here a pause for a +minute--"that the petitioner. It's down, sir." Here the master got up, +walked about the room, scratched his head, took snuff, but in vain; the +inspiration had fled with the mysterious word "petitioner." The clerk +looked up somewhat amazed that his master had got that length, and at +last ventured to suggest that the difficulty might be got over. "How, +John?" exclaimed his master. "As you have done the most important part, +what would you say, sir, to send the paper to be finished by Mr. M---- +with a guinea?"--"The very thing, John, tak' the paper to Mr. M----, +and as we've done the maist fickle pairt of the work he's deevilish weel +aff wi' a guinea." + +We are indebted to the author of that capital collection of Scottish +anecdote, _Thistledown_, for the following story, as illustrating one of +the many humorous attempts to get the better of the law, and one in +which the lawyer was "hoist with his own petard." A dealer having hired +a horse to a lawyer, the latter, either through bad usage or by +accident, killed the beast, upon which the hirer insisted upon payment +of its value; and if it was not convenient to pay costs, he expressed +his willingness to accept a bill. The lawyer offered no objection, but +said he must have a long date. The hirer desired him to fix his own +time, whereupon the writer drew a promissory note, making it payable at +the day of judgment. An action ensued, when in defence, the lawyer asked +the judge to look at the bill. Having done so, the judge replied: "The +bill is perfectly good, sir; and as this is the day of judgment, I +decree that you pay to-morrow." + +Joseph Gillon was a well-known Writer to the Signet early in the +nineteenth century. Calling on him at his office one day, Sir Walter +Scott said, "Why, Joseph, this place is as hot as an oven."--"Well," +quoth Gillon, "and isn't it here that I make my bread?" + +A celebrated Scottish preacher and pastor was visiting the house of a +solicitor who was one of his flock, but had a reputation of indulging +in sharp practice. The minister was surprised to meet there two other +members of his flock whose relations with the solicitor were not at the +time known to be friendly or otherwise. In course of conversation the +solicitor, alluding to some disputed point, appealed to the minister: +"Doctor, these are members of your flock; may I ask whether you look on +them as black or as white sheep?"--"I don't know," answered the +minister, "whether they are black or white sheep; but this I know, that +if they are long here they are pretty sure to be _fleeced_." + +_Apropos_ of this story is the one of a Scottish countrywoman who +applied to a respectable solicitor for advice. After detailing all the +circumstances of the case, she was asked if she had stated the facts +exactly as they had occurred. "Ou ay, sir," rejoined the applicant; "I +thought it best to tell you the plain truth; you can put the lees till't +yoursel'." + + * * * * * + +THE LAWYER'S TOAST + +At a dinner of a Scots Law Society, the president called upon an old +solicitor present to give as a toast the person whom he considered the +best friend of the profession. "Then," said the gentleman very slyly, +"I'll give you 'The Man who makes his own will.'" + + + + +CHAPTER SEVEN + +THE AMERICAN BENCH & BAR + + + "Going tew law is like skinning a new milch cow for the hide + and giving the meat tew the lawyers." + + JOSH BILLINGS. + + + "Oh, sir, you understand a conscience, but not law." + + MASSINGER: _The Old Law_. + + + + +CHAPTER SEVEN + +THE AMERICAN BENCH & BAR + + +The Rev. H. R. Haweis has defined "humour as the electric atmosphere, +wit as the flash. A situation provides atmospheric humour, and with the +culminating point of it comes the flash." This definition is peculiarly +applicable to the humour of the Bench and Bar when the situation +invariably provides the atmosphere for the wit. Not less so is this the +case in American Courts than in British. Before Chief Justice Parsons +was raised to the Bench, and when he was the leading lawyer of America, +a client wrote, stating a case, requesting his opinion upon it, and +enclosing twenty dollars. After the lapse of some time, receiving no +answer, he wrote a second letter, informing him of his first +communication. Parsons replied that he had received both letters, had +examined the case and formed his opinion, but somehow or other "it stuck +in his throat." The client understood this hint, sent him one hundred +dollars, and received the opinion. + +[Illustration: THEOPHILUS PARSONS, CHIEF JUSTICE OF THE SUPREME COURT OF +MASSACHUSETTS.] + +He was engaged in a heavy case which gave rise to many encounters +between himself and the opposing counsel, Mr. Sullivan. During Parson's +speech Sullivan picked up Parson's large black hat and wrote with a +piece of chalk upon it: "This is the hat of a d--d rascal." The lawyers +sitting round began to titter, which called attention to the hat, and +the inscription soon caught the eye of Parsons, who at once said: "May +it please your honour, I crave the protection of the Court, Brother +Sullivan has been stealing my hat and writing his own name upon it." + +Parsons was considered a strong judge, and somewhat overbearing in his +attitude towards counsel. One day he stopped Dexter, an eminent +advocate, in the middle of his address to the jury, on the ground that +he was urging a point unsupported by any evidence. Dexter hastily +observed, "Your honour, did you argue your own cases in the way you +require us to do?"--"Certainly not," retorted the judge; "but that was +the judge's fault, not mine." + +Patrick Henry, "the forest-born Demosthenes," as Lord Byron called him, +was defending an army commissary, who, during the distress of the +American army in 1781, had seized some bullocks belonging to John Hook, +a wealthy Scottish settler. The seizure was not quite legal, but Henry, +defending, painted the hardships the patriotic army had to endure. +"Where was the man," he said, "who had an American heart in his bosom +who would not have thrown open his fields, his barbs, his cellars, the +doors of his house, the portals of his breast, to have received with +open arms the meanest soldier in that little band of famished patriots? +Where is the man? _There_ he stands; and whether the heart of an +American beats in his bosom, you gentlemen are to judge." He then +painted the surrender of the British troops, their humiliation and +dejection, the triumph of the patriot band, the shouts of victory, the +cry of "Washington and liberty," as it rang and echoed through the +American ranks, and was reverberated from vale to hill, and then to +heaven. "But hark! What notes of discord are these which disturb the +general joy and silence, the acclamations of victory; they are the notes +of _John Hook_, hoarsely bawling through the American camp--'Beef! beef! +beef!'" + + * * * * * + +It is sometimes imagined that eloquent oratory is everything required of +a good advocate, and certainly this idea must have been uppermost in the +minds of the young American counsel who figure in the following stories. +A Connecticut lawyer had addressed a long and impressive speech to a +jury, of which this was his peroration: "And now the shades of night had +wrapped the earth in darkness. All nature lay clothed in solemn thought, +when the defendant ruffians came rushing like a mighty torrent from the +mountains down upon the abodes of peace, broke open the plaintiff's +house, separated the weeping mother from the screeching infant, and +carried off--my client's rifle, gentlemen of the jury, for which we +claim fifteen dollars." + +There was good excuse for adopting the "high-falutin" tone in the +second instance, that it was the lawyer's first appearance. He was +panting for distinction, and determined to convince the Court and jury +that he was "born to shine." So he opened: "May it please the Court and +gentlemen of the jury--while Europe is bathed in blood, while classic +Greece is struggling for her rights and liberties, and trampling the +unhallowed altars of the bearded infidels to dust, while the chosen few +of degenerate Italy are waving their burnished swords in the sunlight of +liberty, while America shines forth the brightest orb in the political +sky--I, I, with due diffidence, rise to defend the cause of this humble +hog thief." + +And this extract from a barrister's address "out West," some fifty years +ago, surely could not fail to influence the jury in his client's behalf. +"The law expressly declares, gentlemen, in the beautiful language of +Shakespeare, that where a doubt of the prisoner exists, it is your duty +to fetch him in innocent. If you keep this fact in view, in the case of +my client, gentlemen, you will have the honour of making a friend of him +and all his relations, and you can allus look upon this occasion and +reflect with pleasure that you have done as you would be done by. But +if, on the other hand, you disregard the principles of law and bring him +in guilty, the silent twitches of conscience will follow you all over +every fair cornfield, I reckon, and my injured and down-trodden client +will be apt to light on you one of these dark nights as my cat lights on +a saucerful of new milk." + + * * * * * + +In a rural Justice Court in one of the Southern States the defendant in +a case was sentenced to serve thirty days in jail. He had known the +judge from boyhood, and addressed him as follows: "Bill, old boy, you're +gwine to send me ter jail, air you?"--"That's so," replied the judge; +"have you got anything to say agin it?"--"Only this, Bill: God help you +when I git out." + +Daniel Webster was a clever and successful lawyer, who was engaged in +many important causes in his day. In a case in one of the Virginian +Courts he had for his opponent William Wirt, the biographer of Patrick +Henry, a work which was criticised as a brilliant romance. In the +progress of the case Webster brought forward a highly respectable +witness, whose testimony (unless disproved or impeached) settled the +case, and annihilated Wirt's client. After getting through his +testimony, Webster informed his opponent, with a significant expression, +that he had now closed his evidence, and his witness was at Wirt's +service. The counsel for defence rose to cross-examine, but seemed for a +moment quite perplexed how to proceed, but quickly assuming a manner +expressive of his incredulity as to the facts elicited, and coolly +eyeing the witness, said: "Mr. ----, allow me to ask you whether you +have ever read a work called _Baron Munchausen_?" Before the witness had +time to answer, Webster rose and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr. Wirt, for +the interruption, but there was one question I forgot to ask my witness, +and if you will allow me that favour I promise not to interrupt you +again." Mr. Wirt in the blandest manner replied, "Yes, most certainly"; +when Webster in the most deliberate and solemn manner, said, "Sir, have +you ever read Wirt's _Life of Patrick Henry_?" The effect was so +irresistible that even the judge could not control his rigid features. +Wirt himself joined in the momentary laugh, and turning to Webster said: +"Suppose we submit this case to jury without summing up"; which was +assented to, and Mr. Webster's client won the case. + + * * * * * + +In the year 1785 an Indian murdered a Mr. Evans at Pittsburg. When, +after a confinement of several months, his trial was to be brought on, +the chiefs of his nation were invited to be present at the proceedings +and see how the trial would be conducted, as well as to speak in behalf +of the accused, if they chose. These chiefs, however, instead of going +as wished for, sent to the civil officers of that place the following +laconic answer: "Brethren! you inform us that ----, who murdered one of +your men at Pittsburg, is shortly to be tried by the laws of your +country, at which trial you request that some of us may be present. +Brethren! knowing ---- to have been always a very bad man, we do not +wish to see him. We therefore advise you to try him by your laws, and to +hang him, so that he may never return to us again." + + * * * * * + +There are many stories of the smart repartee of white and coloured +witnesses and prisoners appearing before American judges, but the most +of them bear such strong evidence of newspaper staff manufacture as to +be unworthy of more permanent record than the weekly "fill up" they were +designed for. Of the more reputable we select a few. + +Judge Emory Speer, of the southern district of Georgia, had before his +Court a typical charge of illicit distilling. "What's your name?" +demanded the eminent judge. "Joshua, jedge," drawled the prisoner. +"Joshua who made the sun stand still?" smiled the judge, in amusement at +the laconic answer. "No, sir. Joshua who made the moon shine," answered +the quick-witted mountaineer. And it is needless to say that Judge Speer +made the sentence as light as he possibly could, saying to his friends +in telling the story that wit like that deserved some recompense. + +A newly qualified judge in Tennessee was trying his first criminal +case. The accused was an old negro charged with robbing a hen-coop. He +had been in Court before on a similar charge, and was then acquitted. +"Well, Tom," began the judge, "I see you're in trouble again."--"Yes, +sah," replied the negro. "The last time, jedge, you was ma +lawyer."--"Where is your lawyer this time?" asked the judge. "I ain't +got no lawyer this time," answered Tom. "I'm going to tell the truth." + +Judge M. W. Pinckney tells the story of a coloured man, Sam Jones by +name, who was on trial at Dawson City, for felony. The judge asked Sam +if he desired the appointment of a lawyer to defend him. "No, sah," Sam +replied, "I'se gwine to throw myself on the ignorance of the cote." + +A Southern lawyer tells of a case that came to him at the outset of his +career, wherein his principal witness was a negro named Jackson, +supposed to have knowledge of certain transactions not at all to the +credit of his employer, the defendant. "Now, Jackson," said the lawyer, +"I want you to understand the importance of telling the truth when you +are put on the stand. You know what will happen, don't you, if you don't +tell the truth?"--"Yessir," was Jackson's reply; "in dat case I expects +our side will win de case." + +When Senator Taylor was Governor of Tennessee, he issued a great many +pardons to men and women confined in penitentiaries or jails in that +State. His reputation as a "pardoning Governor" resulted in his being +besieged by everybody who had a relative incarcerated. One morning an +old negro woman made her way into the executive offices and asked Taylor +to pardon her husband, who was in jail. "What's he in for?" asked the +Governor. "Fo' nothin' but stealin' a ham," explained the wife. "You +don't want me to pardon him," argued the Governor. "If he got out he +would only make trouble for you again."--"'Deed I does want him out ob +dat place!" she objected. "I needs dat man."--"Why do you need him?" +inquired Taylor, patiently. "Me an' de chillun," she said, seriously, +"needs another ham." + + * * * * * + +Etiquette in the matter of dress was, in early days, of little or no +consequence with American lawyers, especially in the Southern States. In +South Carolina this neglect of the rigid observance of English rules on +the part of Mr. Petigru, a well-known barrister, gave rise to the +following passage between the Bench and the Bar. + +"Mr. Petigru," said the judge, "you have on a light coat. You can't +speak." + +"May it please the Bench," said the barrister, "I conform strictly to +the law. Let me illustrate. The law says the barrister shall wear a +black gown and coat, and your honour thinks that means a black coat?" + +"Yes," said the judge. + +"Well, the law also says the sheriff shall wear a cocked hat and sword. +Does your honour hold that the sword must be cocked as well as the hat?" + +He was permitted to go on. + + * * * * * + +In the United States, as elsewhere, the average juryman is not very well +versed in the fine distinctions of the law. On these it is the judge's +duty to instruct him. What guidance the jury got from the explanation of +what constitutes murder is not quite clear to the lay mind, however +satisfactory it may have appeared to the judge. + +"Gentlemen," he stated, with admirable lucidity, "murder is where a man +is murderously killed. The killer in such a case is a murderer. Now, +murder by poison is just as much murder as murder with a gun, pistol, or +knife. It is the simple act of murdering that constitutes murder in the +eye of the law. Don't let the idea of murder and manslaughter confound +you. Murder is one thing; manslaughter is quite another. Consequently, +if there has been a murder, and it is not manslaughter, then it must be +murder. Don't let this point escape you." + +"Self-murder has nothing to do with this case. According to Blackstone +and other legal writers, one man cannot commit _felo-de-se_ upon +another; and this is my opinion. Gentlemen, murder is murder. The murder +of a brother is called fratricide; the murder of a father is called +parricide, but that don't enter into this case. As I have said before, +murder is emphatically murder." + +"You will consider your verdict, gentlemen, and make up your minds +according to the law and the evidence, not forgetting the explanation I +have given you." + + * * * * * + +There is a delightful frankness about the address submitted to the +electors by a candidate who solicited their support for the position of +sheriff in one of the provinces of the United States, but its honesty +cannot be questioned: + +"Gentlemen, I offer myself a candidate for sheriff; I have been a +revolutionary officer; fought many bloody battles, suffered hunger, +toil, heat; got honourable scars, but little pay. I will tell you +plainly how I shall discharge my duty should I be so happy as to obtain +a majority of your suffrages. If writs are put into my hands against any +of you, I will take you if I can, and, unless you can get bail, I will +deliver you over to the keeper of the gaol. Secondly, if judgments are +found against you, and executions directed to me, I will sell your +property as the law directs, without favour or affection; if there be +any surplus money, I will punctually remit it. Thirdly, if any of you +should commit a crime (which God forbid!) that requires capital +punishment, according to law, I will hang you up by the neck till you +are dead." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: RUFUS CHOATE, LEADER OF THE MASSACHUSETTS BAR.] + +Rufus Choate was designated _the_ leader of the Massachusetts Bar--a +distinctive title which long outlived him and marked the sense of esteem +in which he was held by his brother lawyers, as well as indicating his +outstanding ability and success. + +In 1841 a divorce case was tried in America, and a young woman named +Abigail Bell was the chief witness of the adultery of the wife. Sumner, +for the defence, cross-examined Abigail. "Are you married?"--"No."--"Any +children?"--"No."--"Have you a child?" Here there was a long pause, and +then at last the witness feebly replied, "Yes." Sumner sat down with an +air of triumph. Rufus Choate was advocate for the husband, who claimed +the divorce, and after enlarging on other things, said, "Gentlemen, +Abigail Bell's evidence is before you." Raising himself proudly, he +continued, "I solemnly assert there is not the shadow of a shade of +doubt or suspicion on that evidence or on her character." Everybody +looked surprised, and he went on: "What though in an unguarded moment +she may have trusted too much to the young man to whom she had pledged +her untried affections; to whom she was to be wedded on the next Lord's +Day; and who was suddenly struck dead at her feet by a stroke of +lightning out of the heavens!" This was delivered with such tragic +effect that Choate, majestically pausing, saw the jury had taken the +cue, and he went on triumphantly to the end. He afterwards told his +friends that he had a right to make any supposition consistent with the +witness's innocence. + +A client went to consult him as to the proper redress for an intolerable +insult and wrong he had just suffered. He had been in a dispute with a +waiter at the hotel, who in a paroxysm of rage and contempt told the +client "to go to ----." "Now," said the client, "I ask you, Mr. Choate, +as one learned in the law, and as my legal adviser, what course under +these circumstances I ought to take to punish this outrageous insult." +Choate looked grave, and told the client to repeat slowly all the +incidents preceding this outburst, telling him to be careful not to omit +anything, and when this was done Choate stood for a while as if in deep +thought and revolving an abstruse subject; he then gravely said: "I have +been running over in my head all the statutes of the United States, and +all the statutes of the commonwealth of Massachusetts, and all the +decisions of all the judges in our Courts therein, and I may say that I +am thoroughly satisfied that there is nothing in any of them that will +require you to go to the place you have mentioned. And if you will take +my advice then I say decidedly--_don't go_." + +Choate defended a blacksmith whose creditor had seized some iron that a +friend had lent him to assist in the business after a bankruptcy. The +seizure of the iron was said to have been made harshly. Choate thus +described it: "He arrested the arm of industry as it fell towards the +anvil; he put out the breath of his bellows; he extinguished the fire +upon his hearthstone. Like pirates in a gale at sea, his enemies swept +everything by the board, leaving, gentlemen of the jury, not so +much--not so much as a horseshoe to nail upon the doorpost to keep the +witches off." The blacksmith, sitting behind, was seen to have tears in +his eyes at this description, and a friend noticing it, said, "Why, Tom, +what's the matter with you? What are you blubbering about?"--"I had no +idea," said Tom in a whisper, "that I had been so abominably +ab-ab-bused." + + * * * * * + +A veteran member of the Baltimore Bar tells of an amusing +cross-examination in a Court of that city. The witness seemed disposed +to dodge the questions of counsel for the defence. "Sir," admonished the +counsel sternly, "you need not tell us your impressions. We want facts. +We are quite competent to form our own impressions. Now, sir, answer me +categorically." From that time on he got little more than "yes" and +"no" from the witness. Presently counsel asked: "You say that you live +next door to the defendant."--"Yes."--"To the south of him?"--"No."--"To +the north?"--"No."--"Well, to the east then?"--"No."--"Ah," exclaimed +the counsel sarcastically, "we are likely now to get down to the one +real fact. You live to the west of him, do you not?"--"No."--"How is +that, sir?" the astounded counsel asked. "You say you live next door to +the defendant, yet he lives neither north, south, east, or west of you. +What do you mean by that, sir?" Whereupon the witness "came back." "I +thought perhaps you were competent to form the impression that we lived +in a flat," said the witness calmly; "but I see I must inform you that +he lives next door above me." + +In the Supreme Court of the United States the President interrupted +counsel in the course of a long speech by saying: "Mr. Jones, you must +give this Court credit for knowing _something_."--"That's all very +well," replied the advocate (who came from a Western State), "but that's +exactly the mistake I made in the Court below." + +In a suit for damages against a grasping railway corporation for killing +a cow, the attorney for the plaintiff, addressing the twelve Arkansas +good men and true who were sitting in judgment, and on their respective +shoulder-blades, said: "Gentlemen of the jury, if the train had been +running as slow as it should have been ran, if the bell had been rung as +it 'ort to have been rang, or the whistle had been blown as it 'ort to +have been blew, none of which was did, the cow would not have been +injured when she was killed." + + * * * * * + +Although not strictly a story of either the Bench or the Bar of America, +it is so pertinent to the latter that we cannot omit the following told +by the Scottish clergyman, the late Dr. Gillespie of Mouswold, in his +amusing collection of anecdotes. + +A young American lady was his guest at the manse while a young Scottish +advocate was spending a holiday in the neighbourhood. He was invited to +dine at the manse, and took the young lady in to dinner, and kept +teasing her in a lively, good-natured manner about American people and +institutions, while it may be guessed his neighbour held her own, as +most American girls are well able to do. At length the advocate asked, +"Miss ----, have you any lawyers in America?" She knowing what +profession he belonged to replied quick as thought, "Oh yes, Mr. ----, +lots of lawyers. I've a brother a lawyer. Whenever we've a member of a +family a bigger liar than another, we make him a lawyer." + +A quaint decision was given by Judge Kimmel, of the Supreme Court at +St. Louis, in an application for divorce by Mrs. Quan. The judge +directed Patrick J. Egan, a policeman, to supervise the domestic affairs +of the couple, and to visit their home daily for thirty days. After +questioning the wife closely on her attitude towards her husband and his +treatment of her, Egan wrote down for the wife's guidance a long array +of precepts. Among these were the following: + +"Don't remonstrate with your husband when he has been drinking. Wait +until next morning. Then give him a cup of coffee for his headache. +Afterwards lead him into the parlour, put your arms about him, and give +him a lecture. It will have more weight with him than any number of +quarrels. + +"If he has to drink, let him have it at home. + +"Avoid mothers-in-law. Don't let them live with you or interfere in your +affairs. + +"If you must have your own way, do not let your husband know you are +trying to boss him. Have your own way by letting him think he is having +his. + +"Dress to suit your husband's taste and income. Husbands usually don't +like their wives to wear tight dresses. Consult him on these matters. + +"Don't be jealous or give your husband cause for jealousy. + +"When your husband is in a bad humour, be in a good humour. It may be +difficult, but it will pay." + +The policeman-philosopher's precepts were duly printed, framed, and +placed against the wall of the family sitting-room. After paying only +fifteen of the thirty visits to the house directed by the judge, the +results could not have been more gratifying. Mr. and Mrs. Quan were +delighted, and presented the guide to martial bliss with a handsome +token of their gratitude in the form of a gold watch. + +Many of the droll sayings of the American Bench of past years are +attributable to the fact that the judges were appointed by popular vote, +and the successful candidate was not always a man of high attainments in +the practice of his profession at the Bar, or of profound learning in +the laws of his country. Too often he was a man of no better education +than the mass of litigants upon whose causes he was called to +adjudicate. For instance, a Kentuckian judge cut short a tedious and +long-winded counsel by suddenly breaking into his speech with: "If the +Court is right, and she thinks she air, why, then, you are wrong, and +you knows you is. Shut up!" + +"What are you reading from?" demanded Judge Dowling, who had in his +earlier life been a fireman and later a police officer. "From the +statutes of 1876, your honour," was the reply. "Well, you needn't read +any more," retorted the judge; "I'm judge in this Court, and my statutes +are good enough law for anybody." A codified law and precedent cases +were of no account to this "equity" judge. + +But these are mild instances of the methods of early American judges +compared with the summing up of Judge Rodgers--Old Kye, as he was +called--in an action for wrongful dismissal brought before him by an +overseer. "The jury," said his honour, "will take notice that this Court +is well acquainted with the nature of the case. When this Court first +started in the world it followed the business of overseering, and if +there is a business which this Court understands, it's hosses, mules, +and niggers; though this Court never overseed in its life for less than +eight hundred dollars. And this Court in hoss-racing was always +naterally gifted; and this Court in running a quarter race whar the +hosses was turned could allers turn a hoss so as to gain fifteen feet in +a race; and on a certain occasion it was one of the conditions of the +race that Kye Rodgers shouldn't turn narry of the hosses." Surely it +must have been Old Kye who, upon taking his official seat for the first +time, said: "If this Court know her duty, and she thinks she do, justice +will walk over this track with her head and tail up." + + * * * * * + +On a divorce case coming before a Western administrator of the law, +Judge A. Smith, he thus addressed the plaintiff's counsel, who was +awaiting the arrival of his opponent to open proceedings. "I don't +think people ought to be compelled to live together when they don't want +to do so. I will decree a divorce in this case." Thereupon they were +declared to be no longer man and wife. At this juncture the defendant's +counsel entered the Court and expressed surprise that the judge had not +at least heard one side of the case, much less both sides, and protested +against such over-hasty proceedings. But to all his protestations the +judge turned a deaf ear; only informing him that no objections could now +be raised after decree had been pronounced. "But," he added, "if you +want to argue the case 'right bad,' the Court will marry the couple +again, and you can then have your say out." + +Breach of promise cases generally afford plenty of amusement to the +public, both in the United States and Great Britain, but it is only in +early American Courts that we hear of a judge adding to the hilarity by +congratulating the successful party to the suit. A young American belle +sued her faithless sweetheart, and claimed damages laid at one hundred +dollars. The defendant pleaded that after an intimate acquaintance with +the family, he found it was impossible to live comfortably with his +intended mother-in-law, who was to take up residence with her daughter +after the marriage, and he refused to fulfil his promise. "Would you +rather live with your mother-in-law, or pay _two hundred_ dollars?" +inquired the judge. "Pay two hundred dollars," was the prompt reply. +Said the judge: "Young man, let me shake hands with you. There was a +time in my life when I was in the same situation as you are in now. Had +I possessed your firmness, I should have been spared twenty-five years +of trouble. I had the alternative of marrying or paying a hundred and +twenty-five dollars. Being poor, I married; and for twenty-five years +have I regretted it. I am happy to meet with a man of your stamp. The +plaintiff must pay ten dollars and costs for having thought of putting a +gentleman under the dominion of a mother-in-law." + +The charms of the female sex were more susceptible to the Iowa judge +than to his brother of the former story. This worthy refused to fine a +man for kissing a young lady against her will, because the complainant +was so pretty that "nothing but the Court's overwhelming sense of +dignity prevented the Court from kissing her itself." + + * * * * * + +"A fellow-feeling makes one wondrous kind," wrote Garrick, and something +of this nature must have actuated Judge Bela Brown in a case in a +Circuit Court of Georgia. The judge was an able lawyer, and right good +boon companion among his legal friends. The night before the Court +opened he joined the Circuit barristers at a tavern kept by one Sterrit, +where the company enjoyed themselves "not wisely, but too well." Next +morning the judge was greatly perturbed to find a quantity of silver +spoons in his pocket, which had been placed there by a wag of the +company as the judge left the tavern the night before. "Was I tipsy when +I came home last night?" timidly asked the judge of his wife. "Yes," +said she; "you know your habits when you get among your lawyer +friends."--"Well," responded the judge, "that fellow keeps the meanest +liquor in the States; but I never thought it was so bad as to induce a +man to steal." + +Before the close of the Court a man was arraigned for larceny, who +pleaded guilty, but put forward the extenuating circumstance that he was +drunk and didn't know what he was doing. "What is the nature of the +charge," asked Judge Brown. "Stealing money from Sterrit's till," +replied the clerk. "Are you sure you were tipsy when you took this +money?"--"Yes, your honour; when I went out of doors the ground kept +coming up and hitting me on the head."--"That will do. Did you get all +your liquor at Sterrit's?"--"Every drop, sir." Turning to the +prosecuting attorney the judge said, "You will do me the favour of +entering a _nolle prosequi_; that liquor of Sterrit's I have reason to +know is enough to make a man do anything dirty. I got tipsy on it myself +the other night and stole all his spoons. If Sterrit will sell such +abominable stuff he ought not to have the protection of this Court--Mr. +Sheriff, you may release the prisoner." + +The judge of a Court in Nevada dealt differently with a man who, charged +with intoxication, thought to gain acquittal by a whimsical treatment of +his offence. On being asked whether he was rightly or wrongly charged he +pleaded, "Not guilty, your honour. Sunstroke!"--"Sunstroke?" queried +Judge Cox. "Yes, sir; the regular New York variety."--"You've had +sunstroke a good deal in your time, I believe?"--"Yes, your honour; but +this last attack was most severe."--"Does sunstroke make you rush +through the streets offering to fight the town?"--"That's the effect +precisely."--"And makes you throw brickbats at people?"--"That's it, +judge. I see you understand the symptoms, and agree with the best +recognised authorities, who hold it inflames the organs of combativeness +and destructiveness. When a man of my temperament gets a good square +sunstroke he's liable to do almost anything."--"Yes; you are quite +right--liable to go to jail for fifteen days. You'll go down with the +policeman at once." With that observation the conversation naturally +closed, and the victim of so-called sunstroke "went down." + + * * * * * + +"Sheriff, remove the prisoner's hat," said a judge in the Court of +Keatingville, Montana, when he noticed that the culprit before him had +neglected to do so. The sheriff obeyed instructions by knocking off the +hat with his rifle. The prisoner picked it up, and clapping it on his +head again, shouted, "I am bald, judge." Once more it was "removed" by +the sheriff, while the indignant judge rose and said, "I fine you five +dollars for contempt of Court--to be committed until the fine is paid." +The offender approached the judge, and laying down half a dollar +remarked, "Your sentence, judge, is most ungentlemanly; but the law is +imperative and I will have to stand it; so here is half a dollar, and +the four dollars and a half you owed me when we stopped playing poker +this morning makes us square." + +The card-playing administrator of law must have felt as small as his +brother-judge who priced a cow at an Arkansas cattle-market. Seeing one +that took his fancy he asked the farmer what he wanted for her. "Thirty +dollars, and she'll give you five quarts of milk if you feed her well," +said the farmer. "Why," quoth the judge, "I have cows not much more than +half her size which give twenty quarts of milk a day." The farmer eyed +the would-be purchaser of the cow very hard, as if trying to remember if +he had met him before, and then inquired where he lived. "My home is in +Iowa," replied the judge. "Yes, stranger, I don't dispute it. There were +heaps of soldiers from Iowa down here during the war, and they were the +worst liars in the whole Yankee army. Maybe you were an officer in one +of them regiments." Then the judge returned to his Court duties. + + * * * * * + +Judge Kiah Rodgers already figures in a story, and here we give his +address to a delinquent when he presided at a Court in Louisiana. +"Prisoner, stand up! Mr. Kettles, this Court is under the painful +necessity of passing sentence of the law upon you. This Court has no +doubt, Mr. Kettles, but what you were brought into this scrape by the +use of intoxicating liquors. The friends of this Court all know that if +there is any vice this Court abhors it is intoxication. When this Court +was a young man, Mr. Kettles, it was considerably inclined to drink, and +the friends of this Court know that this Court has naterally a very high +temper; and if this Court had not stopped short off, I have no doubt, +sir, but what this Court, sir, would have been in the penitentiary or in +its grave." + +There was a strong sense of duty to humanity, as well as seeing justice +carried out, in the Californian sheriff after an interview with a +self-confessed murderer, who desired to be sent to New York to be tried, +when he addressed the prisoner: "So your conscience ain't easy, and you +want to be hanged?" said the sheriff. "Well, my friend, the county +treasury ain't well fixed at present, and I don't want to take any +risks, in case you're not the man, and are just fishing for a free +ride. Besides, those New York Courts can't be trusted to hang a man. As +you say, you deserve to be killed, and your conscience won't be easy +till you are killed, and as it can't make any difference to you or to +society how you are killed, I guess I'll do the job myself!" and his +hand moved to his pocket; but before he could pull out the revolver and +level it at the murderer, that conscience-stricken individual was down +the road and out of killing distance. + +Like the sailor who objected to his captain undertaking the double duty +of flogging and preaching, prisoners do not appreciate the judge who +delivers sentence upon them and at the same time admonishes them in a +long speech. After being sentenced a Californian prisoner was thus +reproached by a judge for his lack of ambition: + +"Where is it, sir? Where is it? Did you ever hear of Cicero taking free +lunches? Did you ever hear that Plato gamboled through the alleys of +Athens? Did you ever hear Demosthenes accused of sleeping under a +coal-shed? If you would be a Plato, there would be a fire in your eye; +your hair would have an intellectual cut; you'd step into a clean shirt; +and you'd hire a mowing-machine to pare those finger-nails. You have got +to go up for four months!" + +In conclusion we return to the jury-box of a New York Court for the +story of a well-known character who frequently was called to act along +with other good men and true. As soon as they had retired to deliberate +on the evidence they had heard, he would button up his coat and "turn +in" on a bench, exclaiming, "Gentlemen, I'm for bringing in a verdict +for the plaintiff (or the defendant, as he had settled in his mind), and +all Creation can't move me. Therefore as soon as you have all agreed +with me, wake me up and we'll go in." + + + + +L'ENVOI + + + "THE TASK IS ENDED, AND ASIDE WE FLING + THE MUSTY BOOKS TIED UP WITH LEGAL STRING; + AND SO GOOD NIGHT, SINCE WE OUR SAY HAVE SAID, + SHUT UP THE VOLUME AND PROCEED TO BED; + AND DREAM, DEAR READER, OF A FUTURE, WHEN + A LAWYER MAY SHAKE HANDS WITH YOU AGAIN." + + WILLOCK: _Legal Facetiae_. + + + + +INDEX + + + Abbot, Mr. Justice, 43 + + Abinger, Lord, 35, 36, 42 + + Adam, H. L., 80, 101 + + Adams, Serjeant, 85 + + Adolphus, John, 76 + + Alderson, Baron, 45 + + Alemoor, Lord, 156 + + Allen, Serjeant, 68 + + Alverstone, Lord, 62 + + Andrews, W., 26, 99 + + Anne, Queen, 107, 159 + + Archibald, Mr. Justice, 94 + + Ardwall, Lord, 193, 212 + + Arnot, Hugo, 201, 203 + + Atkinson, Mrs., 90 + + Auchinleck, Lord, 155 + + Avonmore, Lord, 119-122, 131, 133 + + Avory, Lord, 62, 63 + + + Bacon, Lord, 68 + + Bacon, Sir Nicholas, 5 + + Bacon, Vice-Chancellor, 38, 54 + + Baird, Mr., of Cambusdoon, 192 + + Baldwin, Mr., 83 + + Balfour, Sheriff, 209 + + Ballantine, Serjeant, 81, 88 + + Balmuto, Lord, 201 + + Bannatyne, Lord, 165 + + Barjarg, Lord, 156 + + Bell, Abigail, 234 + + Bethel, I. B., 136 + + Birrell, Augustine, 89 + + Blair, Lord President, 170 + + Blair, Thomas W., 159 + + Boswell, James, 155, 165 + + Bowen, Lord, 53, 54 + + Boyd, Judge, 135 + + Boyle, Lord Justice-Clerk, 175 + + Braxfield, Lord, 155, 182, 183, 200 + + Brocklesby, Dr., 15 + + Brougham, Lord, 17, 39-43, 117, 188, 205 + + Brown, Judge Bela, 243 + + Buchan, Earl of, 27, 202 + + Bullen, Edward, 85 + + Burrowes, Peter, 145 + + Burrows, Sir James, 9 + + Bushe, Charles K., 118, 122, 138 + + Butler, Sir Toby, 127 + + Byles, Mr. Justice, 49 + + Byron, Lord, 224 + + + Campbell, Lord John, 13, 25, 34, 35, 41-44, 76, 86 + + Campbell, Lord President, 181 + + Carleton, Chief Justice, 112 + + Carleton, Lady, 112 + + Chambers, Montague, 77 + + Charles II, 6, 68 + + Chelmsford, Lord, 46 + + Chitty, Lord Justice, 38 + + Choate, Rufus, 234-236 + + Clare, Lord, 132 + + Clarke, George, minstrel, 97 + + Clarke, Thomas, 75, 76 + + Clonmel, Earl of, 109, 110 + + Coalston, Lord, 156 + + Cockburn, Lord, 171, 173, 174, 175, 185-187, 215 + + Cockburn, Sir Alexander, 46, 47, 55-57 + + Cockle, Serjeant, 100, 101 + + Coleridge, Lord, 51, 52 + + Collins, Stephen, Q.C., 140, 141 + + Colman, George, 79 + + Colquhoun, Sir James, 202 + + Connor, John, 143 + + Cooke, Tom, 36 + + Cottenham, Lord Chancellor, 42 + + Coutts, Thomas, 159 + + Covington, Lord, 155 + + Cox, Judge, 245 + + Crabtree, Jesse, 79 + + Cranworth, Lord, 35 + + Cringletie, Lord, 170 + + Crispe, Thomas E., 94 + + Crosbie, Andrew, 205 + + Cunningham, Lord, 206 + + Curran, J. P., 109, 113, 120, 121, 127-134 + + + Danckwerts, Mr., Q.C., 59 + + Darling, Mr. Justice, 3, 4, 58-60 + + Davenport, Sir Thomas, 12 + + Davy, Serjeant, 70, 71 + + Deas, Lord, 177 + + Denman, Lord, 72, 73 + + Dewar, Lord, 51 + + Dirleton, Lord, 153 + + Douglas, Alexander, W.S., 188 + + Dowling, Judge, 240 + + Doyle, Mr., 121 + + Duke, Mr., K.C., 60 + + Dun, Lord, 159 + + Dundas, Henry (Lord Melville), 157, 200 + Robert, first Lord President, 156, 158 + ---- second Lord President, 204 + + Dunning, Serjeant, 17, 73, 74 + + + Egan, John, Q.C., 131, 134 + + Egerton, Master of Rolls, 6 + + Eldin, Lord, 164, 167-171 + + Eldon, Earl of, 10-12, 17-19, 167, 171, 179 + + Elizabeth, Queen, 68 + + Ellenborough, Lord, 20, 21 + + Elliock, Lord, 156 + + Erne, Lord, 114 + + Erskine, Henry, 27, 164, 199-202 + John, of Carnoch, 157 + ---- Lord, 27-31, 46 + + Esher, Lord, 54 + + Eskgrove, Lord, 155, 160, 161, 162, 164, 199 + + Evans, 228 + + Eve, Mr. Justice, 69 + + + Fisher, Dr., 19 + + Fitton, Lord Chancellor, 127 + + Flood, Right Hon. H., 110 + + Forglen, Lord, 160 + + Fortesque, Lord, 8 + + Foster, Judge, 113 + + Fountainhall, Lord, 153, 154 + + Furton, Sir Thomas, 132 + + + Gardenstone, Lord, 156 + + Garrick, David, 243 + + George III, 19, 24 + + Gillespie, Rev. Dr., 238 + + Gillon, Joseph, W.S., 219 + + Glengarry, 161 + + Gould, Mr. Justice, 22, 30, 60, 71 + + Grady, H. D., 135-136 + + Graham, Baron, 34 + + Grantham, Mr. Justice, 58 + + Guildford, Lord, 68 + + Guthrie, Lord, 193 + + + Hailes, Lord, 156 + + Halkerston, Lord, 163 + + Halligan, Denis, 113, 114 + + Hardwicke, Lord, 8 + + Harper, Sheriff, 206 + + Harris, Billy, 111 + + Hatton, Lord Chancellor, 5 + + Haweis, Rev. H. R., 223 + + Hawkins, Sir Henry (Lord Brampton), 54-57 + + Hayward, Mr., 132 + + Healy, Tim, 146, 147 + + Henderson, Sir John, 161 + + Henn, Chief Baron, 111 + Jonathan, 111, 112 + William, Judge, 111 + + Henry VIII, 4 + + Henry, Patrick, 224 + + Hermand, Lord, 165, 174, 176, 179-181 + + Herrick, Mr., 141 + + Hill, Serjeant, 69, 70 + + Holmes, Mr., 138 + + Holroyd, Chief Justice, 38 + + Holt, Lord Justice, 37 + + Hook, John, 224 + + Horne, Mr., Dean of Faculty, 193 + + Horner, Mr., 183 + + Hyde, Edward (Lord Campden), 7 + + + Jackson, Sheriff Officer, 116 + + James, Edwin, 85, 86 + + James V, 153 + + Jeffrey, Lord, 172, 187 + + Jeffreys, Judge, 7 + + Jekyll, Serjeant, 79, 80 + + + Kames, Lord, 5, 156, 165, 166 + + Keating, Mr. Justice, 61, 68 + + Keller, Jerry, 139 + + Kennedy, Mrs., 52 + + Kennet, Lord, 158 + + Kenyon, Lord, 10-12, 22-24 + + Kilkerran, Lord, 163 + + Kingston, Duchess of, 13 + + Knight-Bruce, Lord Justice, 47, 48 + + + Labron, John, 39 + + Landseer, Sir Edwin, 81 + + Lawrence, Sir Thomas, 85 + + Lawson, Mr. Justice, 123 + + Lee, Jack, 77 + + Leeds, Duke of, 46 + + Lees, Richard, 206 + + Lifford, Lord Chancellor, 110 + + Lockwood, Sir Frank, 89, 92 + + Logan, Sheriff, 206 + + Lysaght, Edward, 136, 137 + + + M'Cormick, Samuel, 175 + + Macdonald, Chief Baron, 34 + + Macklin, Actor, 128 + + Maclaren, Lord, 194 + + MacMahon, Serjeant, 145 + + Mahaffy, Ninian, 140, 141 + + Mair, Ludovick, 208 + + Maloney, Mr., 130 + + Manners, Lord Chancellor, 141 + + Mansfield, Earl of, 14-16, 74, 205 + + Margarot, 183 + + Martin, Baron, 44, 45, 81 + + Maule, Mr. Justice, 31-34 + + Meadowbank, Lord (first), 159 + + Meadowbank, Lord (second), 164, 169, 179 + + Mellor, Mr., 91, 92 + + Miller, Sir Thomas, 157 + + Millicent, Sir John, 6 + + Milton, Lord, 159 + + Missing, Serjeant, 75 + + Mitchell, John, 112 + + Monboddo, Lord, 153, 157 + + Moncreiff, Lord, 175, 183, 184 + Rev. Sir Henry Wellwood, 175 + Lord Justice-Clerk, 211 + + Moore, Frankfort, 123 + + Moore, Judge, 112 + + More, Sir Thomas, 4, 5 + + Muir, Mr., 82 + + Murphy, Mr., gaoler, 117 + + + Nagle, Mr., 127 + + Nangle, Mr., 107, 108, 109 + + Nares, Mr. Justice, 27 + + Newhall, Lord, 160 + + Newton, Lord, 171-173 + + Norbury, Lord, 114-117, 132, 133, 145 + + Norfolk, Duke of, 19 + + + O'Connell, Daniel, 117, 141-144 + + O'Flanagan, F. R., 107, 137 + + O'Gorman, Mr., 139, 140 + + O'Grady, Chief Baron, 117-119 + + Orton, Arthur, 55 + + Oswald, Francis, 95, 96 + + + Page, Mr. Justice, 22 + + Parker, Chief Baron, 15 + + Parry, Serjeant, 93, 101 + + Parsons, Chief Justice, 223, 224 + + Parsons, Commissioner, 144, 145 + + Patteson, Mr. Justice, 61 + + Peat, Mr., 80 + + Petigru, Mr., 231 + + Phillimore, Sir Walter, 57 + + Phillips, Charles, 54 + + Phillips, 123, 128 + + Phipps, Lord Chancellor, 107 + + Pigot, Chief Baron, 141 + + Pinckney, Judge W. M., 230 + + Pitfour, Lord, 158 + + Pitmilly, Lord, 174 + + Plowden, Mr., 55 + + Plunket, Lord, 122, 123, 138 + + Polkemmet, Lord, 155, 163, 164 + + Powis, Mr. Justice, 8 + + Pratt, Sir John, Lord Justice, 9 + + Prime, Serjeant, 26, 72 + + Pritchard, Mary, 77 + + Pyne, Chief Justice, 107, 108 + + + Queensberry, Duke of, 29 + + + Raine, Mr., 100 + + Redsdale, Lord Chancellor, 140 + + Reid, David, 159, 160 + + Ribton, Mr., Q.C., 50 + + Robertson, Patrick, Lord, 188 + + Roche, Sir Boyle, 133 + + Rodgers, Judge K., 241, 247 + + Romilly, Lord, 89 + + Rose, Sir George, 18 + + Ross, Charles, 159 + + Russell, Lord John, 42 + + Russell, Lord, of Killowen, 51 + + Rutherford, Lord, 189 + + Rutland, Earl of, 4 + + Ryder, Chief Justice, 9 + + + Scarlett, Miss, 43 + + Scott, James, Q.C., 137 + + Scott, Sir Walter, 160, 199, 219 + + Shaftesbury, Lord, 6 + + Shand, Lord, 190, 191, 193 + + Shee, Mr., Q.C., 51 + + Sinclair, Sir John, 30 + + Sleigh, Warner, 83 + + Smith, Judge A., 241 + + Smith, F. E., 95 + + Speer, Judge Emery, 229 + + Stanley, Lord, 41 + + Stonefield, Lord, 157, 185 + + Strichen, Lord, 156 + + Sugden, Sir Edward, 39 + + Sullivan, Mr., 223 + + Sumner, Mr., 234 + + Swinton, Lord, 200 + + + Taylor, Senator, 230 + + Tenterden, Lord, 25 + + Thomas, Serjeant, 73 + + Thomson, Baron, 34 + + Thorpe, W. G., 86 + + Thurlow, Lord, 10-13, 19, 20 + + Townshend, Lord, 110 + + Tunstal, Dr., 77 + + + Warren, Samuel, 46, 83 + + Wauchope, Mr., of Niddrie, 186 + + Webster, Daniel, 227, 228 + + Wedderburn, Alexander (Lord Roslin), 7 + + Weldon, Mrs., 54 + + Weller, Mr., 107, 108 + + Westbury, Lord, 34, 35, 47 + + Wharton, Mr., 94 + + Whigham, Mr., 79 + + Wight, Alexander, 155 + + Wightman, Mr. Justice, 50 + + Wilkins, Serjeant, 6, 72, 73 + + Willes, Mr. Justice, 21, 49, 78 + + Williams, Montague, 49, 88 + + Wills, Mr. Justice, 38 + + Wirt, William, 227, 228 + + + Yorke, Edward (Lord Hardewicke), 8 + + Young, Lord, 191-193 + + + + +SOME SCOTTISH BOOKS + + +BOOK of EDINBURGH ANECDOTE + +By FRANCIS WATT. The stories in "The Book of Edinburgh Anecdote," good +in themselves, illustrate in an interesting way bygone times. The +heroics and the follies, the greatness and the littleness, the wit and +humour of famous or even infamous citizens are presented in a lively +manner. Even to those who know much about Edinburgh much will be fresh, +for the material has been gathered from many and various, and not seldom +obscure, sources. With thirty-two portraits in collotype and +frontispiece in colour. 312 pp. Buckram, 5/- net; Leather, 7/6 net. + + +BOOK of GLASGOW ANECDOTE + +By D. MACLEOD MALLOCH. This book is a storehouse of information +regarding Glasgow, and is full of interesting and amusing stories of +Church, University, medical, legal, municipal, and commercial life. No +such collection of Glasgow anecdotes has hitherto appeared in any single +volume; and their interest is such that this book should appeal not only +to Glasgow people, but also to all who can appreciate good stories of +professional and commercial life, and stories illustrative of Scottish +character. With frontispiece in colour and thirty-five portraits in +collotype. 400 pp. Buckram, 5/- net; Leather, 7/6 net. + + +MARY QUEEN OF SCOTS + +By HILDA T. SKAE. This volume contains a compact account of the life of +one of the most romantic figures in Scottish history. It contains +sixteen illustrations in colour besides many portraits, and merely to +turn them over is to gain a more living and reliable idea of the course +of her tragic life, and of the characters of those who surrounded her, +than the most careful of historical descriptions. The very actors and +actresses move before the reader's eyes; and their stories, ceasing to +be distant traditions, are seen to concern the movements, hesitations, +half-hopes, and human impulses of people strangely like ourselves. 224 +pp. Buckram, 5/- net; Velvet Persian, 7/6 net. + + +R. L. STEVENSON: MEMORIES + +Being twenty-five illustrations, reproduced from photographs, of Robert +Louis Stevenson, his homes and his haunts, many of these reproduced for +the first time. A booklet for every Stevenson lover. In Japon vellum +covers, 1/- net; bound in Japanese vellum, with illustrations mounted, +2/6 net. + + +T.N.FOULIS.PUBLISHER + + + + +BOOKS TO ENTERTAIN + + +THE LIGHTER SIDE OF IRISH LIFE + +By GEORGE A. BIRMINGHAM. Its title suggests unbridled jocularity--and it +is in fact full of inimitable fun; but there is a basis of solid thought +and sympathy to all the mirth. While replenishing the common stock of +Irish stories, Mr Birmingham adjusts our conception of the race. Mr +Kerr's sixteen illustrations in colour form a gallery of genre studies, +sympathetic and yet sincere, that allows us to look with our own eyes +upon Ireland as she really is to-day. 288 pp. Buckram, 5/- net. Velvet +Persian, 7/6 net. + + +IRISH LIFE & CHARACTER + +By Mrs S. C. HALL. "Tales of Irish Life" will remind the reader more of +Lever or Sam Lover than of "Lavengro." It is effervescent and audacious, +ringing with all the fun of the fair, and spiced with the constant +presence of a vivacious and irresistible personality. The sixteen +illustrations by Erskine Nicol are in precisely the same vein, matching +Mrs Hall's sketches so manifestly that it is strange they have never +been united before. To look at them is to laugh. 330 pp. Buckram, +5/- net. Velvet Persian, 7/6 net. + + +LORD COCKBURN'S MEMORIALS + +"This volume," says _The Saturday Review_, "is one of the most +entertaining books a reader could lay his hands on." "The book," says +_The Edinburgh Review_, "is one of the pleasantest fireside volumes that +has ever been published." Cockburn's pen could tell a tale as well as +his tongue, and to read this book is to sit, unobserved, at that +immortal Round Table, with anecdote and reminiscence in full tide. With +twelve portraits in colour by Sir Henry Raeburn, and other +illustrations. Extra Crown 8vo. 480 pp. Buckram, 6/- net. + + +AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF CARLYLE OF INVERESK (1722-1805) + +Edited by J. HILL BURTON. "He was the grandest demi-god I ever saw," +wrote Sir Walter Scott of the author of this book. But, as these Memoirs +show, he was a demi-god with a very human heart,--or, at any rate, a +"divine" with a thorough knowledge of the world. It was probably these +qualities that made him such a prominent figure in his day, and it is +certainly these that give his Recollections their unique importance and +raciness. They provide "by far the most vivid picture of Scottish life +and manners that has been given to the world since Scott's day." This +edition has been equipped with a series of thirty-six portraits +reproduced in photogravure of the chief personages who move in its +pages. 612 pp. Buckram, 6/- net. + + +T.N.FOULIS.PUBLISHER + + + + +SOME ENGLISH BOOKS + + +THE ENGLISH CHARACTER + +By SPENCER LEIGH HUGHES, M.P., _Sub-Rosa_ of the _Daily News and +Leader_. Although his pen has probably covered more pages than Balzac's, +this is the first time _Sub-Rosa_ has really "turned author." The charm +and penetration of the result suggest that his readers will never allow +him to turn back again. He is a born essayist, but he has, in addition, +the breadth and generosity that journalism alone can give a man. The +combination gives a kind of golden gossip--criticism without acrimony, +fooling without folly. The work contains sixteen pictures in colour of +English types by Frederick Gardner. 300 pp. Buckram, 5/- net. Leather, +7/6 net. + + +ENGLISH COUNTRY LIFE + +By WALTER RAYMOND. Mr Raymond is our modern Gilbert White; and many of +the chapters have a thread of whimsical drama and delicious humour which +will remind the reader of "The Window in Thrums." It is a book of +happiness and peace. It is as fragrant as lavender or new-mown hay, and +as wholesome as curds and cream. With sixteen illustrations in colour by +Wilfrid Ball, R. E. 462 pp. Buckram, 5/- net. Leather, 7/6 net. + + +ENGLISH LIFE & CHARACTER + +By MARY MITFORD. Done with a delicate Dutch fidelity, these little prose +pastorals of Miss Mitford's would live were they purely imaginary--so +perfect is their finish, so tender and joyous their touch. But they +have, in addition, the virtue of being entirely faithful pictures of +English village life as it was at the time they were written. With +sixteen illustrations in colour by Stanhope Forbes, R.A. 350 pp. +Buckram, 5/- net. Leather, 7/6 net. + + +THE RIVER OF LONDON + +By HILAIRE BELLOC. Everybody who has read the "Path to Rome" will learn +with gladness that Mr Hilaire Belloc has written another book in the +same sunny temper, dealing with the oldest highway in Britain. It is a +subject that brings into play all those high faculties which make Mr +Belloc the most genuine man of letters now alive. The record of the +journey makes one of the most exhilarating books of our time, and the +series of Mr Muirhead's sixteen pictures painted for this book sets the +glittering river itself flowing swiftly past before the eye. 200 pp. +Buckram, 5/- net. Leather, 7/6 net. + + +T.N.FOULIS.PUBLISHER + + + + +SOME LITERARY BOOKS + + +THE DICKENS ORIGINALS + +By EDWIN PUGH. A very large proportion of Dickens' characters had their +living prototypes among his contemporaries and acquaintances. In this +book the author has traced these prototypes, has made original +researches resulting in the discovery of several new and hitherto +unsuspected identities, and has given particulars of all of them. With +thirty portraits of "originals." Extra Cr. 8vo, 400 pp. 6/- net. A book +for every Dickens lover. + + +THE R. L. STEVENSON ORIGINALS + +By E. BLANTYRE SIMPSON. The author has an unequalled knowledge of the +fortunate Edinburgh circle who knew their R.L.S. long before the rest of +the world; and she has been enabled to collect a volume of fresh +_Stevensoniana_, of unrecorded adventures and personal reminiscences, +which will prove inestimably precious to all lovers of the man and his +work. The illustrations are of peculiar importance as the publisher has +been privileged to reproduce a series of portraits and pictures of the +rarest interest to accompany the text. Four portraits in colour, +twenty-five in collotype and several letters in facsimile. Extra Cr. +8vo, 260 pp. Buckram, 6/- net. + + +THE SCOTT ORIGINALS + +By W. S. CROCKETT. The actual drovers and dominies, ladies and lairds, +whom Sir Walter used as his models, figure here, living their own richly +characteristic and romantic lives with unabated picturesqueness. Mr +Crockett's identifications are all based on strict evidence, the result +is that we are given a kind of flowing sequel to the novels, containing +situations, dialogues, anecdotes, and adventures not included in the +books. The forty-four illustrations comprise many contemporary +portraits, including Baron Bradwardine, Pleydell, Davie Gellatley, Hugh +Redgauntlet, Dugald Dalgetty, and others. 448 pp. Buckram, 6/- net. + + +THE FOOTSTEPS OF SCOTT + +By W. S. CROCKETT. Now that Mr Andrew Lang has left us, Mr Crockett has +probably no equal in his knowledge of the Border country and its +literature, or in his affectionate acquaintance with the life of Sir +Walter. The illustrations are from water-colours specially painted by +Tom Scott, R.S.A. They show his art at its best. 230 pp. Buckram, 3/6 +net. + + +T.N.FOULIS.PUBLISHER + + + + +SOME SCOTTISH BOOKS + + +THE KIRK & ITS WORTHIES + +By NICHOLAS DICKSON and D. MACLEOD MALLOCH. Our Scottish kirk has a +great reputation for dourness--but it has probably kindled more humour +than it ever quenched. The pulpits have inevitably been filled by a race +of men disproportionately rich in "characters," originals, worthies with +a gift for pungent expression and every opportunity for developing it. +There is a fund of good stories here which forms a worthy sequel to Dean +Ramsay's Reminiscences and a living history of an old-world life. The +illustrations consist of sixteen reproductions in colour of paintings by +eminent Scottish artists. The frontispiece is the famous painting "The +Ordination of Elders." 340 pp. Buckram, 5/- net; Leather, 7/6 net. + + +SCOTTISH LIFE & CHARACTER + +By DEAN RAMSAY. The Reminiscences of Dean Ramsay are a kind of literary +haggis; and no dish better deserves to be worthily served up. "Next to +the Waverley Novels," says a chief authority, "it has done more than any +other book to make Scottish customs, phrases, and traits of character +familiar to Englishmen at home and abroad." Mr Henry W. Kerr's +illustrations provide a fitting crown to the feast. These pictures of +characteristic Scottish scenes and Scottish faces give colour to the +pen-and-ink descriptions, and bring out the full flavour of the text. +390 pp. Buckram, 5/- net; Leather, 7/6 net. + + +ANNALS OF THE PARISH + +By JOHN GALT. The dry humour and whimsical sweetness of John Galt's +masterpiece need no description at this time of day--it is one of those +books, full of "the birr and sneddum that is the juice and flavour" of +life itself, which, like good wines, are the better for long keeping. It +was the first "kail-yard" to be planted in Scottish letters, and it is +still the most fertile. The volume contains sixteen of Mr Kerr's +water-colours, reproduced in colour. 316 pp. Buckram, 5/- net; Leather, +7/6 net. + + +MANSIE WAUCH + +By D. M. MOIR. This edition of the book, which has been designed as a +companion volume to "The Annals," contains sixteen illustrations in +colour by C. Martin Hardie, R.S.A. Moir was one of John Galt's chief +friends, and, like a good comrade, he brought out a rival book. Its +native blitheness and its racy use of the vernacular will always keep it +alive. 360 pp. Buckram, 5/- net; Velvet Persian, 7/6 net. + + +T.N.FOULIS.PUBLISHER + + + + +PRESENTATION VOLUMES + + +THE MASTER MUSICIANS + +By J. CUTHBERT HADDEN. A book for players, singers, and listeners, and +although the work of an enthusiastic and discerning musician, it deals +with the men rather than their compositions. There is an abundance of +good anecdote, and personal foibles are not bowdlerised; but the +author's taste is perfect and his attitude is frankly one of human +sympathy. With fifteen illustrations. 320 pp. Buckram, 3/6 net. Velvet +Persian and boxed, 5/- net. + + +THE MASTER PAINTERS + +By STEWART DICK. Mr Dick's book is an attempt to compress the cardinal +facts and episodes in the lives of the world's greatest painters into a +series of swift dramatic chapters. The lives of the world's great +artists are often more picturesque than their pictures. With many +illustrations. 270 pp. Buckram, 3/6 net. Velvet Persian and boxed, +5/- net. + + +ARTS & CRAFTS OF OLD JAPAN + +By STEWART DICK. "We know of no book," says _The Literary World_, "that +within such modest limits contrives to convey so much trustworthy +information on Japanese art." The author and publisher have had the +generous co-operation of many famous collectors, and the thirty +illustrations include many exquisite reproductions of some of the most +perfect kakemonos in Europe. Buckram, 5/- net. + + +ARTS & CRAFTS OF ANCIENT EGYPT + +By Professor W. M. FLINDERS PETRIE. Containing one hundred and forty +illustrations. Small quarto. 228 pp. Buckram, 5/- net. _Second edition_. +"We cannot speak too highly of the book, so full and so conveniently +displayed is the knowledge which it contains." _Westminster Gazette._ + + +THE WILD FLOWERS + +By J. L. CRAWFORD. This book forms a guide to the commoner wild flowers +of the countryside. It treats flowers as living things. Its special +charm resides in its sixteen illustrations, in colour, of some of the +most delicate flower-studies ever painted by Mr Edwin Alexander: whose +work in this kind is famous throughout Europe. 282 pp. Buckram, 5/- net; +Velvet Persian, 7/6 net. + + +T.N.FOULIS.PUBLISHER + + + + +VOLUMES OF POEMS + + +SONGS OF THE WORLD + +As arranged in the volume The Songs of Lady Nairne form a precious +anthology of old favourites, a souvenir rich in special associations. +The Foulis _Fergusson_ is illustrated in a new, and, it is thought, a +welcome way. The result is a volume of rare completeness, with every +detail as perfect and appropriate as careful thought could achieve. The +cream of Hogg's poetry is in the third volume, which will appeal to all +who are in search of a beautiful edition of the work of Scotland's +famous peasant-poet. Each has illustrations in colour by well-known +artists. In Boards, 2/6 net; Velvet Persian, 3/6 net. + + 1. SONGS OF LADY NAIRNE + 2. THE SCOTS POEMS OF ROBERT FERGUSSON + 3. SONGS & POEMS OF THE ETTRICK SHEPHERD + + +SONGS & POEMS OF BURNS + +Complete edition, with introductory appreciation by The Earl of +Rosebery. This edition is one of the most beautiful books ever produced +in Scotland. It is printed on antique paper of special quality, with +rubricated initials and spacious margins. The forty-six illustrations in +colour are unique in their scope, being the work exclusively of the +foremost Scottish artists. Readers, therefore, when they read the poems +here will be enabled to see the characters created in words by one +dreamer, taking graphic shape and form, in colour and line, in the +responsive vision of another. The binding of the book is russet Scottish +buckram; and it is specially worthy of notice in this instance that +every detail is the work of Scottish craftsmen. Quarto, 660 pp. Printed +in fine Rag paper, and bound in buckram, 10/6 net. Bound in the finest +Vellum, 21/- net. + + +POEMS OF ADAM LINDSAY GORDON + +Adam Lindsay Gordon is generally called the Byron of Australia. But he +played far more parts than Byron, and crowded more genuine romance into +his tragic life than even the sixth Baron of Rochdale. In "The Sick +Stock Rider" he reproduces the colonial bush as keenly as Kipling +reproduces India. His "How we Beat the Favourite" is the finest ballad +of the turf in the language. He is, above everything, the sportsman's +poet. This edition contains twelve stirring illustrations in colour by +Captain G. D. Giles. 336 pages. Buckram, 5/- net. Bound in Velvet +Persian, 7/6 net. + + +T.N.FOULIS.PUBLISHER + + + + +PRESENTATION VOLUMES + + +FRIENDSHIP BOOKS + +Printed in two colours, and in attractive bindings, 2/6 net; bound in +finest Velvet Persian, 3/6 net. + +Half-crown volumes designed specially to meet the requirements of +book-lovers in search of appropriate yet distinctive souvenirs. Each +volume has its own individuality in coloured illustrations and the +effect is aristocratic and exclusive. + + RUBAIYAT OF OMAR KHAYYAM + With eight illustrations in colour by F. BRANGWYN, R.A. + + THE GIFT OF FRIENDSHIP + Illustrations in colour by H. C. PRESTON MACGOUN. 270 pp. + + THE DREAM OF GERONTIUS + By CARDINAL NEWMAN. Illustrations by R. T. ROSE. + + THE GIFT OF LOVE + The noblest passages in literature dealing with love. 156 pp. + + SAPPHO, QUEEN OF SONG + A selection from her love poems by J. R. TUTIN. + + AUCASSIN & NICOLETTE + With introduction by F. W. BOURDILLON. + + THE CHARM OF LIFE + With illustrations by FREDERICK GARDNER. + + THE BOOK OF GOOD FRIENDSHIP + With illus. by H. C. PRESTON MACGOUN, R.S.W. 132 pp. + + +THE GARDEN LOVER'S BOOKS + +Printed in two colours, and in attractive bindings, 2/6 net; bound in +finest Velvet Persian, 3/6 net. The appearance of these books alone +confers distinction; ungrudging care has been lavished on their +production from the choice of type to the colour of the silk markers. +They make ideal gifts for anyone to whom gardens appeal. + + A BOOK OF GARDENS + Illustrated by MARGARET H. WATERFIELD. 140 pp. + + A BOOK OF OLD-WORLD GARDENS + With eight illus. in colour by BEATRICE PARSONS. 122 pp. + + GARDEN MEMORIES + With eight illus. in colour by MARY G. W. WILSON. 120 pp. + + +T.N.FOULIS.PUBLISHER + + + + +ILLUSTRATED VOLUMES + + +THE CITIES SERIES + + In Japon vellum covers, 1/- net; bound in Japanese Vellum, with + illustrations mounted, 2/6 net. + + 1. A LITTLE BOOK OF LONDON + 25 DRAWINGS BY JOSEPH PENNELL. + + 2. THE GREAT NEW YORK + 24 DRAWINGS IN PHOTOGRAVURE BY JOSEPH PENNELL. + + These reproductions of the 49 etchings in which he has + registered the aspect of contemporary London and New York + are among the most brilliant and incisive of Mr Pennell's + contributions to art. + + 3. THE CITY OF THE WEST + 24 DRAWINGS IN PHOTOGRAVURE BY JESSIE M. KING. + + Miss Jessie M. King's twenty-four drawings of its duskier + corners bring out an endearing side of the character of old + Glasgow. + + 4. THE GREY CITY OF THE NORTH + 24 DRAWINGS BY JESSIE M. KING. + + This collection of her work consists of a series of + portraits of the Old Town of Edinburgh, their haunting + delicacy and gnomish charm. + + 5. R. L. STEVENSON: MEMORIES + + These twenty-five photographs from a private collection + depict R. L. S., his father, his mother, his wife, his old + nurse, his successive homes in Scotland and Samoa, the + cottage at Swanston where he spent his holidays as a boy as + well as that last resting-place on the summit of Vaea, + which the natives call the shrine of Tusitala. + + +MANNERS & CUSTOMS OF YE ENGLYSHE + +49 drawings by Richard Doyle, with letterpress by Percival Leigh. By far +the best of Doyle's drawings were those which appeared in "Punch" under +the title of "Manners and Customs of Ye Englishe." His sense of humour +was as sturdy as his draughtsmanship was delicate and the union is +comedy exquisite. + + * * * * * + + +THE SERVILE STATE + +By HILAIRE BELLOC. The Servile State is a study of the tendency of +modern legislation in industrial society and particularly in England not +towards Socialism but towards the establishment of two legally separate +classes, one a small class in possession of the means of production, the +other a much larger class subjected to compulsory labour under the +guarantee of a legal sufficiency to maintain themselves. The result of +such an establishment and the forces working for and against it, as well +as the remedies are fully discussed. 234 pp. Cr. 8vo Boards, 1/- net. +Buckram, 2/6 net. + + +T.N.FOULIS.PUBLISHER + + + + +PRESENTATION VOLUMES + + +NELL GWYN + +By CECIL CHESTERTON. The author has carried out the task entrusted to +him with an admirable clearness and impartiality. The book is richly +illustrated; the many portraits reflect the impudent, infamous, +irresistible child-face in all its enchanting phases. Twenty +illustrations--four in colour. 232 pp. Buckram, 5/- net. Velvet Persian +and boxed, 7/6 net. + + +LADY HAMILTON + +By E. HALLAM MOORHOUSE. "Out of all the vicissitudes of her +extraordinary life she snatched one lasting triumph--her name spells +beauty." The many fine portraits in this work demonstrate, as words can +never do, that extraordinary nobility of temperament which was the main +characteristic of Nelson's Cleopatra. Twenty-three illustrations--four +in colour. 236 pp. Buckram, 5/- net. Velvet Persian and boxed, 7/6 net. + + +MARIE ANTOINETTE + +By FRANCIS BICKLEY. A picturesque but restrained book. The illustrations +are all reproductions of portraits. They prove, once more, the power +which contemporary paintings have of making history intimate and real. +Twenty illustrations--four in colour. 204 pp. Buckram, 5/- net. Velvet +Persian and boxed, 7/6 net. + + +PRINCE CHARLIE + +By WILLIAM POWER. It is curious to see how profoundly lives in +themselves so ill-fated have the power to encourage and stimulate the +reader. Few figures are more real than The Pretender's. His sufferings +have been turned into songs and great stories; his old calamities are +our present consolation. This volume contains reproduction in colour of +sixteen Jacobite pictures and seven portraits in collotype. 200 pp. In +Buckram, 5/- net; Velvet Persian, 7/6 net. + + * * * * * + + +RUBAIYAT OF OMAR KHAYYAM + +Illus. by FRANK BRANGWYN, R.A. The sumptuous virility of the artist's +work is specially suitable for the purpose of sustaining and emphasising +that element of lofty sensuousness of the whole impassioned song. With +eight illustrations in colour. 120 pp. Buckram, 3/6 net. Velvet Persian +and boxed, 5/- net. + +T.N.FOULIS.PUBLISHER + + + + +SOME FOULIS BOOKLETS + + +MAXIMS OF LIFE SERIES + +A set of miniature volumes, exquisitely produced, designed to hold the +essence of the wisdom of some of the world's keenest intelligences. The +_Napoleon_ volume, for instance, thus contains the essential creed of +the man who towered above his time like a Colossus. That of _Madame de +Sevigne_, again, holds the attar of an intellect that dazzled the most +brilliant court of France. In the _La Rochefoucauld_ is the essence of +the worldly wisdom of one of the cleverest judges of men and things. And +the _George Sand_ preserves the private philosophy which a passionate +woman slowly distilled as she made her stormy pilgrimage through life. +Each of these volumes, which contain illustrations in line and colour, +is a slender casket of jewels. In decorative wrapper, 6d. net. Bound in +Velvet Persian Yapp, 1/- net; also in Japon Vellum, 1/- net. 120 pp. + + 1. NAPOLEON + 2. MADAME DE SEVIGNE + 3. LA ROCHEFOUCAULD + 4. GEORGE SAND + 5. NIETZSCHE + + +LES PETITS LIVRES D'OR + +The minted gold of French verse and prose has been packed away here and +there are few of the French wits and poets whose works have not been +rifled for these charming booklets. Not even in Paris, the home of +_chic_, has anything of the sort been seen before. In designed covers, +each illustrated in colour, 6d. net. In Velvet Persian, 1/- net. + + 1. UN PETIT LIVRE D'AMOUR + 2. UN PETIT LIVRE D'AMITIE + 3. UN PETIT LIVRE DE SAGESSE + 4. AUCASSIN ET NICOLETTE + + +DIE ROSEN VOM PARNASS + +These are the German equivalents of the Foulis French _petits_, and, +like the latter, they have created a small _furore_ on the Continent. +The delicately reproduced "full-page" illustrations are, once more, the +work of some of the most distinguished Scottish and English painters. In +designed covers, each illustrated in colour, 6d. net. In Velvet Persian, +1/- net. + + 1. LIEDER VON HEINE + 2. DEUTSCHE LIEBESLIEDER + 3. FREUNDSCHAFTSLIEDER + 4. WANDERLIEDER + + +T.N.FOULIS.PUBLISHER + + + + +Transcriber's Note: + +Illustration captions have been moved slightly to coincide with the +mention of the person named in the caption. + +The following special characters appear in the text: + [)a] a breve + [=a] a macron + +This book includes a lot of dialect, which often looks misspelled but +was intentionally written that way. Therefore, some irregularities that +might be errors have not been corrected in order to preserve author +intent. Name variants (mostly occurring in the index) also have not been +corrected. 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