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diff --git a/old/fboot10.txt b/old/fboot10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ccd800c --- /dev/null +++ b/old/fboot10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2379 @@ +The Project Gutenberg Etext of The Fatal Boots, by Wm.Thackeray +#25 in our series by William Makepeace Thackeray + + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world, be sure to check +the copyright laws for your country before posting these files!! + +Please take a look at the important information in this header. +We encourage you to keep this file on your own disk, keeping an +electronic path open for the next readers. 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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.29.93*END* + + + + + +THE FATAL BOOTS. + + +by William Makepeace Thackeray + + + + +THE FATAL BOOTS:-- + + +January.--The Birth of the Year + +February.--Cutting Weather + +March.--Showery + +April.--Fooling + +May.--Restoration Day + +June.--Marrowbones and Cleavers + +July.--Summary Proceedings + +August.--Dogs have their Days + +September.--Plucking a Goose + +October.--Mars and Venus in Opposition + +November.--A General Post Delivery + +December.--"The Winter of Our Discontent" + + + + +THE FATAL BOOTS + + +JANUARY.--THE BIRTH OF THE YEAR. + + +Some poet has observed, that if any man would write down what has +really happened to him in this mortal life, he would be sure to +make a good book, though he never had met with a single adventure +from his birth to his burial. How much more, then, must I, who +HAVE had adventures, most singular, pathetic, and unparalleled, be +able to compile an instructive and entertaining volume for the use +of the public. + +I don't mean to say that I have killed lions, or seen the wonders +of travel in the deserts of Arabia or Prussia; or that I have been +a very fashionable character, living with dukes and peeresses, and +writing my recollections of them, as the way now is. I never left +this my native isle, nor spoke to a lord (except an Irish one, who +had rooms in our house, and forgot to pay three weeks' lodging and +extras); but, as our immortal bard observes, I have in the course +of my existence been so eaten up by the slugs and harrows of +outrageous fortune, and have been the object of such continual and +extraordinary ill-luck, that I believe it would melt the heart of a +milestone to read of it--that is, if a milestone had a heart of +anything but stone. + +Twelve of my adventures, suitable for meditation and perusal during +the twelve months of the year, have been arranged by me for this +work. They contain a part of the history of a great, and, +confidently I may say, a GOOD man. I was not a spendthrift like +other men. I never wronged any man of a shilling, though I am as +sharp a fellow at a bargain as any in Europe. I never injured a +fellow-creature; on the contrary, on several occasions, when +injured myself, have shown the most wonderful forbearance. I come +of a tolerably good family; and yet, born to wealth--of an +inoffensive disposition, careful of the money that I had, and eager +to get more,--I have been going down hill ever since my journey of +life began, and have been pursued by a complication of misfortunes +such as surely never happened to any man but the unhappy Bob +Stubbs. + +Bob Stubbs is my name; and I haven't got a shilling: I have borne +the commission of lieutenant in the service of King George, and am +NOW--but never mind what I am now, for the public will know in a +few pages more. My father was of the Suffolk Stubbses--a well-to- +do gentleman of Bungay. My grandfather had been a respected +attorney in that town, and left my papa a pretty little fortune. I +was thus the inheritor of competence, and ought to be at this +moment a gentleman. + +My misfortunes may be said to have commenced about a year before my +birth, when my papa, a young fellow pretending to study the law in +London, fell madly in love with Miss Smith, the daughter of a +tradesman, who did not give her a sixpence, and afterwards became +bankrupt. My papa married this Miss Smith, and carried her off to +the country, where I was born, in an evil hour for me. + +Were I to attempt to describe my early years, you would laugh at me +as an impostor; but the following letter from mamma to a friend, +after her marriage, will pretty well show you what a poor foolish +creature she was; and what a reckless extravagant fellow was my +other unfortunate parent:-- + + +"TO MISS ElIZA KICKS, IN GRACECHURCH STREET, LONDON. + +"OH, ELIZA! your Susan is the happiest girl under heaven! My +Thomas is an angel! not a tall grenadier-like looking fellow, such +as I always vowed I would marry:--on the contrary, he is what the +world would call dumpy, and I hesitate not to confess, that his +eyes have a cast in them. But what then? when one of his eyes is +fixed on me, and one on my babe, they are lighted up with an +affection which my pen cannot describe, and which, certainly, was +never bestowed upon any woman so strongly as upon your happy Susan +Stubbs. + +"When he comes home from shooting, or the farm, if you COULD see +dear Thomas with me and our dear little Bob! as I sit on one knee, +and baby on the other, and as he dances us both about. I often +wish that we had Sir Joshua, or some great painter, to depict the +group; for sure it is the prettiest picture in the whole world, to +see three such loving merry people. + +"Dear baby is the most lovely little creature that CAN POSSIBLY +BE,--the very IMAGE of papa; he is cutting his teeth, and the +delight of EVERYBODY. Nurse says that, when he is older he will +get rid of his squint, and his hair will get a GREAT DEAL less red. +Doctor Bates is as kind, and skilful, and attentive as we could +desire. Think what a blessing to have had him! Ever since poor +baby's birth, it has never had a day of quiet; and he has been +obliged to give it from three to four doses every week;--how +thankful ought we to be that the DEAR THING is as well as it is! +It got through the measles wonderfully; then it had a little rash; +and then a nasty hooping-cough; and then a fever, and continual +pains in its poor little stomach, crying, poor dear child, from +morning till night. + +"But dear Tom is an excellent nurse; and many and many a night has +he had no sleep, dear man! in consequence of the poor little baby. +He walks up and down with it FOR HOURS, singing a kind of song +(dear fellow, he has no more voice than a tea-kettle), and bobbing +his head backwards and forwards, and looking, in his nightcap and +dressing-gown, SO DROLL. Oh, Eliza! how you would laugh to see +him. + +"We have one of the best nursemaids IN THE WORLD,--an Irishwoman, +who is as fond of baby almost as his mother (but that can NEVER +BE). She takes it to walk in the park for hours together, and I +really don't know why Thomas dislikes her. He says she is tipsy, +very often, and slovenly, which I cannot conceive;--to be sure, the +nurse is sadly dirty, and sometimes smells very strong of gin. + +"But what of that?--these little drawbacks only make home more +pleasant. When one thinks how many mothers have NO nursemaids: how +many poor dear children have no doctors: ought we not to be +thankful for Mary Malowney, and that Dr. Bates's bill is forty- +seven pounds? How ill must dear baby have been, to require so much +physic! + +"But they are a sad expense, these dear babies, after all. Fancy, +Eliza, how much this Mary Malowney costs us. Ten shillings every +week; a glass of brandy or gin at dinner; three pint-bottles of Mr. +Thrale's best porter every day,--making twenty-one in a week, and +nine hundred and ninety in the eleven months she has been with us. +Then, for baby, there is Dr. Bates's bill of forty-five guineas, +two guineas for christening, twenty for a grand christening supper +and ball (rich uncle John mortally offended because he was made +godfather, and had to give baby a silver cup: he has struck Thomas +out of his will: and old Mr. Firkin quite as much hurt because he +was NOT asked: he will not speak to me or Thomas in consequence) +twenty guineas for flannels, laces, little gowns, caps, napkins, +and such baby's ware: and all this out of 300L. a year! But Thomas +expects to make A GREAT DEAL by his farm. + +"We have got the most charming country-house YOU CAN IMAGINE: it is +QUITE SHUT IN by trees, and so retired that, though only thirty +miles from London, the post comes to us but once a week. The +roads, it must be confessed, are execrable; it is winter now, and +we are up to our knees in mud and snow. But oh, Eliza! how happy +we are: with Thomas (he has had a sad attack of rheumatism, dear +man!) and little Bobby, and our kind friend Dr. Bates, who comes so +far to see us, I leave you to fancy that we have a charming merry +party, and do not care for all the gayeties of Ranelagh. + +"Adieu! dear baby is crying for his mamma. A thousand kisses from +your affectionate + +"SUSAN STUBBS." + + +There it is! Doctor's bills, gentleman-farming, twenty-one pints +of porter a week. In this way my unnatural parents were already +robbing me of my property. + + +FEBRUARY.--CUTTING WEATHER. + + +I have called this chapter "cutting weather," partly in compliment +to the month of February, and partly in respect of my own +misfortunes, which you are going to read about. For I have often +thought that January (which is mostly twelfth-cake and holiday +time) is like the first four or five years of a little boy's life; +then comes dismal February, and the working-days with it, when +chaps begin to look out for themselves, after the Christmas and the +New Year's heyday and merrymaking are over, which our infancy may +well be said to be. Well can I recollect that bitter first of +February, when I first launched out into the world and appeared at +Doctor Swishtail's academy. + +I began at school that life of prudence and economy which I have +carried on ever since. My mother gave me eighteenpence on setting +out (poor soul! I thought her heart would break as she kissed me, +and bade God bless me); and, besides, I had a small capital of my +own which I had amassed for a year previous. I'll tell you, what I +used to do. Wherever I saw six halfpence I took one. If it was +asked for I said I had taken it and gave it back;--if it was not +missed, I said nothing about it, as why should I?--those who don't +miss their money, don't lose their money. So I had a little +private fortune of three shillings, besides mother's eighteenpence. +At school they called me the copper-merchant, I had such lots of +it. + +Now, even at a preparatory school, a well-regulated boy may better +himself: and I can tell you I did. I never was in any quarrels: I +never was very high in the class or very low: but there was no chap +so much respected:--and why? I'D ALWAYS MONEY. The other boys +spent all theirs in the first day or two, and they gave me plenty +of cakes and barley-sugar then, I can tell you. I'd no need to +spend my own money, for they would insist upon treating me. Well, +in a week, when theirs was gone, and they had but their threepence +a week to look to for the rest of the half-year, what did I do? +Why, I am proud to say that three-halfpence out of the threepence a +week of almost all the young gentlemen at Dr. Swishtail's, came +into my pocket. Suppose, for instance, Tom Hicks wanted a slice of +gingerbread, who had the money? Little Bob Stubbs, to be sure. +"Hicks," I used to say, "I'LL buy you three halfp'orth of +gingerbread, if you'll give me threepence next Saturday." And he +agreed; and next Saturday came, and he very often could not pay me +more than three-halfpence. Then there was the threepence I was to +have THE NEXT Saturday. I'll tell you what I did for a whole half- +year:--I lent a chap, by the name of Dick Bunting, three-halfpence +the first Saturday for three-pence the next: he could not pay me +more than half when Saturday came, and I'm blest if I did not make +him pay me three-halfpence FOR THREE-AND-TWENTY WEEKS RUNNING, +making two shillings and tenpence-halfpenny. But he was a sad +dishonorable fellow, Dick Bunting; for after I'd been so kind to +him, and let him off for three-and-twenty-weeks the money he owed +me, holidays came, and threepence he owed me still. Well, +according to the common principles of practice, after six-weeks' +holidays, he ought to have paid me exactly sixteen shillings, which +was my due. For the + + + First week the 3d. would be 6d. | Fourth week . . . . . 4s. + Second week . . . . . 1s. | Fifth week . . . . . 8s. + Third week . . . . . 2s. | Sixth week . . . . . 16s. + + +Nothing could be more just; and yet--will it be believed? when +Bunting came back he offered me THREE-HALFPENCE! the mean, +dishonest scoundrel. + +However, I was even with him, I can tell you.--He spent all his +money in a fortnight, and THEN I screwed him down! I made him, +besides giving me a penny for a penny, pay me a quarter of his +bread and butter at breakfast and a quarter of his cheese at +supper; and before the half-year was out, I got from him a silver +fruit-knife, a box of compasses, and a very pretty silver-laced +waistcoat, in which I went home as proud as a king: and, what's +more, I had no less than three golden guineas in the pocket of it, +besides fifteen shillings, the knife, and a brass bottle-screw, +which I got from another chap. It wasn't bad interest for twelve +shillings--which was all the money I'd had in the year--was it? +Heigho! I've often wished that I could get such a chance again in +this wicked world; but men are more avaricious now than they used +to be in those dear early days. + +Well, I went home in my new waistcoat as fine as a peacock; and +when I gave the bottle-screw to my father, begging him to take it +as a token of my affection for him, my dear mother burst into such +a fit of tears as I never saw, and kissed and hugged me fit to +smother me. "Bless him, bless him," says she, "to think of his old +father. And where did you purchase it, Bob?"--"Why, mother," says +I, "I purchased it out of my savings" (which was as true as the +gospel).--When I said this, mother looked round to father, smiling, +although she had tears in her eyes, and she took his hand, and with +her other hand drew me to her. "Is he not a noble boy?" says she +to my father: "and only nine years old!"--"Faith," says my father, +"he IS a good lad, Susan. Thank thee, my boy: and here is a crown- +piece in return for thy bottle-screw--it shall open us a bottle of +the very best too," says my father. And he kept his word. I +always was fond of good wine (though never, from a motive of proper +self-denial, having any in my cellar); and, by Jupiter! on this +night I had my little skinful,--for there was no stinting,--so +pleased were my dear parents with the bottle-screw. The best of it +was, it only cost me threepence originally, which a chap could not +pay me. + +Seeing this game was such a good one, I became very generous +towards my parents; and a capital way it is to encourage liberality +in children. I gave mamma a very neat brass thimble, and she gave +me a half-guinea piece. Then I gave her a very pretty needle-book, +which I made myself with an ace of spades from a new pack of cards +we had, and I got Sally, our maid, to cover it with a bit of pink +satin her mistress had given her; and I made the leaves of the +book, which I vandyked very nicely, out of a piece of flannel I had +had round my neck for a sore throat. It smelt a little of +hartshorn, but it was a beautiful needle-book; and mamma was so +delighted with it, that she went into town and bought me a gold- +laced hat. Then I bought papa a pretty china tobacco-stopper: but +I am sorry to say of my dear father that he was not so generous as +my mamma or myself, for he only burst out laughing, and did not +give me so much as a half-crown piece, which was the least I +expected from him. "I shan't give you anything, Bob, this time," +says he; "and I wish, my boy, you would not make any more such +presents,--for, really, they are too expensive." Expensive indeed! +I hate meanness,--even in a father. + +I must tell you about the silver-edged waistcoat which Bunting gave +me. Mamma asked me about it, and I told her the truth,--that it +was a present from one of the boys for my kindness to him. Well, +what does she do but writes back to Dr. Swishtail, when I went to +school, thanking him for his attention to her dear son, and sending +a shilling to the good and grateful little boy who had given me the +waistcoat! + +"What waistcoat is it," says the Doctor to me, "and who gave it to +you?" + +"Bunting gave it me, sir," says I. + +"Call Bunting!" and up the little ungrateful chap came. Would you +believe it, he burst into tears,--told that the waistcoat had been +given him by his mother, and that he had been forced to give it +for a debt to Copper-Merchant, as the nasty little blackguard +called me? He then said how, for three-halfpence, he had been +compelled to pay me three shillings (the sneak! as if he had been +OBLIGED to borrow the three-halfpence!)--how all the other boys +had been swindled (swindled!) by me in like manner,--and how, +with only twelve shillings, I had managed to scrape together four +guineas. . . . . + +My courage almost fails me as I describe the shameful scene that +followed. The boys were called in, my own little account-book was +dragged out of my cupboard, to prove how much I had received from +each, and every farthing of my money was paid back to them. The +tyrant took the thirty shillings that my dear parents had given me, +and said he should put them into the poor-box at church; and, after +having made a long discourse to the boys about meanness and usury, +he said, "Take off your coat, Mr. Stubbs, and restore Bunting his +waistcoat." I did, and stood without coat and waistcoat in the +midst of the nasty grinning boys. I was going to put on my coat,-- + +"Stop!" says he. "TAKE DOWN HIS BREECHES!" + +Ruthless, brutal villain! Sam Hopkins, the biggest boy, took them +down--horsed me--and I WAS FLOGGED, SIR: yes, flogged! O revenge! +I, Robert Stubbs, who had done nothing but what was right, was +brutally flogged at ten years of age!--Though February was the +shortest month, I remembered it long. + + +MARCH.--SHOWERY. + + +When my mamma heard of the treatment of her darling she was for +bringing an action against the schoolmaster, or else for tearing +his eyes out (when, dear soul! she would not have torn the eyes out +of a flea, had it been her own injury), and, at the very least, for +having me removed from the school where I had been so shamefully +treated. But papa was stern for once, and vowed that I had been +served quite right, declared that I should not be removed from +school, and sent old Swishtail a brace of pheasants for what he +called his kindness to me. Of these the old gentleman invited me +to partake, and made a very queer speech at dinner, as he was +cutting them up, about the excellence of my parents, and his own +determination to be KINDER STILL to me, if ever I ventured on such +practices again. So I was obliged to give up my old trade of +lending: for the Doctor declared that any boy who borrowed should +be flogged, and any one who PAID should be flogged twice as much. +There was no standing against such a prohibition as this, and my +little commerce was ruined. + +I was not very high in the school: not having been able to get +farther than that dreadful Propria quae maribus in the Latin +grammar, of which, though I have it by heart even now, I never +could understand a syllable: but, on account of my size, my age, +and the prayers of my mother, was allowed to have the privilege of +the bigger boys, and on holidays to walk about in the town. Great +dandies we were, too, when we thus went out. I recollect my +costume very well: a thunder-and-lightning coat, a white waistcoat +embroidered neatly at the pockets, a lace frill, a pair of knee- +breeches, and elegant white cotton or silk stockings. This did +very well, but still I was dissatisfied: I wanted A PAIR OF BOOTS. +Three boys in the school had boots--I was mad to have them too. + +But my papa, when I wrote to him, would not hear of it; and three +pounds, the price of a pair, was too large a sum for my mother to +take from the housekeeping, or for me to pay, in the present +impoverished state of my exchequer; but the desire for the boots +was so strong, that have them I must at any rate. + +There was a German bootmaker who had just set up in OUR town in +those days, who afterwards made his fortune in London. I +determined to have the boots from him, and did not despair, before +the end of a year or two, either to leave the school, when I should +not mind his dunning me, or to screw the money from mamma, and so +pay him. + +So I called upon this man--Stiffelkind was his name--and he took my +measure for a pair. + +"You are a vary yong gentleman to wear dop-boots," said the +shoemaker. + +"I suppose, fellow," says I, "that is my business and not yours. +Either make the boots or not--but when you speak to a man of my +rank, speak respectfully!" And I poured out a number of oaths, in +order to impress him with a notion of my respectability. + +They had the desired effect. "Stay, sir," says he. "I have a nice +littel pair of dop-boots dat I tink will jost do for you." And he +produced, sure enough, the most elegant things I ever saw. "Day +were made," said he, "for de Honorable Mr. Stiffney, of de Gards, +but were too small." + +"Ah, indeed!" said I. "Stiffney is a relation of mine. And what, +you scoundrel, will you have the impudence to ask for these +things?" He replied, "Three pounds." + +"Well," said I, "they are confoundedly dear; but, as you will have +a long time to wait for your money, why, I shall have my revenge +you see. The man looked alarmed, and began a speech: "Sare,--I +cannot let dem go vidout"--but a bright thought struck me, and I +interrupted--"Sir! don't sir me. Take off the boots, fellow, and, +hark ye, when you speak to a nobleman, don't say--Sir." + +"A hundert tousand pardons, my lort," says he: "if I had known you +were a lort, I vood never have called you--Sir. Vat name shall I +put down in my books?" + +"Name?--oh! why, Lord Cornwallis, to be sure," said I, as I walked +off in the boots. + +"And vat shall I do vid my lort's shoes?" + +"Keep them until I send for them," said I. And, giving him a +patronizing bow, I walked out of the shop, as the German tied up my +shoes in paper. + + . . . . . . + +This story I would not have told, but that my whole life turned +upon these accursed boots. I walked back to school as proud as a +peacock, and easily succeeded in satisfying the boys as to the +manner in which I came by my new ornaments. + +Well, one fatal Monday morning--the blackest of all black-Mondays +that ever I knew--as we were all of us playing between school- +hours, I saw a posse of boys round a stranger, who seemed to be +looking out for one of us. A sudden trembling seized me--I knew it +was Stiffelkind. What had brought him here? He talked loud, and +seemed angry. So I rushed into the school-room, and burying my +head between my hands, began reading for dear life. + +"I vant Lort Cornvallis," said the horrid bootmaker. "His lortship +belongs, I know, to dis honorable school, for I saw him vid de boys +at chorch yesterday." + +"Lord who?" + +"Vy, Lort Cornvallis to be sure--a very fat yong nobeman, vid red +hair: he squints a little, and svears dreadfully." + +"There's no Lord Cornvallis here," said one; and there was a pause. + +"Stop! I have it," says that odious Bunting. "IT MUST BE STUBBS!" +And "Stubbs! Stubbs!" every one cried out, while I was so busy at +my book as not to hear a word. + +At last, two of the biggest chaps rushed into the schoolroom, and +seizing each an arm, run me into the playground--bolt up against +the shoemaker. + +"Dis is my man. I beg your lortship's pardon," says he, "I have +brought your lortship's shoes, vich you left. See, dey have been +in dis parcel ever since you vent avay in my boots." + +"Shoes, fellow!" says I. "I never saw your face before!" For I +knew there was nothing for it but brazening it out. "Upon the +honor of a gentleman!" said I, turning round to the boys. They +hesitated; and if the trick had turned in my favor, fifty of them +would have seized hold of Stiffelkind and drubbed him soundly. + +"Stop!" says Bunting (hang him!) "Let's see the shoes. If they +fit him, why then the cobbler's right." They did fit me; and not +only that, but the name of STUBBS was written in them at full +length. + +"Vat!" said Stiffelkind. "Is he not a lort? So help me Himmel, I +never did vonce tink of looking at de shoes, which have been lying +ever since in dis piece of brown paper." And then, gathering anger +as he went on, he thundered out so much of his abuse of me, in his +German-English, that the boys roared with laughter. Swishtail came +in in the midst of the disturbance, and asked what the noise meant. + +"It's only Lord Cornwallis, sir," said the boys, "battling with his +shoemaker about the price of a pair of top-boots." + +"Oh, sir," said I, "it was only in fun that I called myself Lord +Cornwallis." + +"In fun!--Where are the boots? And you, sir, give me your bill." +My beautiful boots were brought; and Stiffelkind produced his bill. +"Lord Cornwallis to Samuel Stiffelkind, for a pair of boots--four +guineas." + +"You have been fool enough, sir," says the Doctor, looking very +stern, "to let this boy impose on you as a lord; and knave enough +to charge him double the value of the article you sold him. Take +back the boots, sir! I won't pay a penny of your bill; nor can you +get a penny. As for you, sir, you miserable swindler and cheat, I +shall not flog you as I did before, but I shall send you home: you +are not fit to be the companion of honest boys." + +"SUPPOSE WE DUCK HIM before he goes?" piped out a very small voice. +The Doctor grinned significantly, and left the school-room; and the +boys knew by this they might have their will. They seized me and +carried me to the playground pump: they pumped upon me until I was +half dead; and the monster, Stiffelkind, stood looking on for the +half-hour the operation lasted. + +I suppose the Doctor, at last, thought I had had pumping enough, +for he rang the school-bell, and the boys were obliged to leave me. +As I got out of the trough, Stiffelkind was alone with me. "Vell, +my lort," says he, "you have paid SOMETHING for dese boots, but not +all. By Jubider, YOU SHALL NEVER HEAR DE END OF DEM." And I +didn't. + + +APRIL.--FOOLING. + + +After this, as you may fancy, I left this disgusting establishment, +and lived for some time along with pa and mamma at home. My +education was finished, at least mamma and I agreed that it was; +and from boyhood until hobbadyhoyhood (which I take to be about the +sixteenth year of the life of a young man, and may be likened to +the month of April when spring begins to bloom)--from fourteen +until seventeen, I say, I remained at home, doing nothing--for +which I have ever since had a great taste--the idol of my mamma, +who took part in all my quarrels with father, and used regularly to +rob the weekly expenses in order to find me in pocket-money. Poor +soul! many and many is the guinea I have had from her in that way; +and so she enabled me to cut a very pretty figure. + +Papa was for having me at this time articled to a merchant, or put +to some profession; but mamma and I agreed that I was born to be a +gentleman and not a tradesman, and the army was the only place for +me. Everybody was a soldier in those times, for the French war had +just begun, and the whole country was swarming with militia +regiments. "We'll get him a commission in a marching regiment," +said my father. "As we have no money to purchase him up, he'll +FIGHT his way, I make no doubt." And papa looked at me with a kind +of air of contempt, as much as to say he doubted whether I should +be very eager for such a dangerous way of bettering myself. + +I wish you could have heard mamma's screech when he talked so +coolly of my going out to fight! "What! send him abroad, across +the horrid, horrid sea--to be wrecked and perhaps drowned, and only +to land for the purpose of fighting the wicked Frenchmen,--to be +wounded, and perhaps kick--kick--killed! Oh, Thomas, Thomas! would +you murder me and your boy?" There was a regular scene. However, +it ended--as it always did--in mother's getting the better, and it +was settled that I should go into the militia. And why not? The +uniform is just as handsome, and the danger not half so great. I +don't think in the course of my whole military experience I ever +fought anything, except an old woman, who had the impudence to +hallo out, "Heads up, lobster!"--Well, I joined the North Bungays, +and was fairly launched into the world. + +I was not a handsome man, I know; but there was SOMETHING about me-- +that's very evident--for the girls always laughed when they talked +to me, and the men, though they affected to call me a poor little +creature, squint-eyes, knock-knees, redhead, and so on, were +evidently annoyed by my success, for they hated me so confoundedly. +Even at the present time they go on, though I have given up +gallivanting, as I call it. But in the April of my existence,-- +that is, in anno Domini 1791, or so--it was a different case; and +having nothing else to do, and being bent upon bettering my +condition, I did some very pretty things in that way. But I was +not hot-headed and imprudent, like most young fellows. Don't fancy +I looked for beauty! Pish!--I wasn't such a fool. Nor for temper; +I don't care about a bad temper: I could break any woman's heart in +two years. What I wanted was to get on in the world. Of course I +didn't PREFER an ugly woman, or a shrew; and when the choice +offered, would certainly put up with a handsome, good-humored girl, +with plenty of money, as any honest man would. + +Now there were two tolerably rich girls in our parts: Miss Magdalen +Crutty, with twelve thousand pounds (and, to do her justice, as +plain a girl as ever I saw), and Miss Mary Waters, a fine, tall, +plump, smiling, peach-cheeked, golden-haired, white-skinned lass, +with only ten. Mary Waters lived with her uncle, the Doctor, who +had helped me into the world, and who was trusted with this little +orphan charge very soon after. My mother, as you have heard, was +so fond of Bates, and Bates so fond of little Mary, that both, at +first, were almost always in our house; and I used to call her my +little wife as soon as I could speak, and before she could walk +almost. It was beautiful to see us, the neighbors said. + +Well, when her brother, the lieutenant of an India ship, came to be +captain, and actually gave Mary five thousand pounds, when she was +about ten years old, and promised her five thousand more, there was +a great talking, and bobbing, and smiling between the Doctor and my +parents, and Mary and I were left together more than ever, and she +was told to call me her little husband. And she did; and it was +considered a settled thing from that day. She was really amazingly +fond of me. + +Can any one call me mercenary after that? Though Miss Crutty had +twelve thousand, and Mary only ten (five in hand, and five in the +bush), I stuck faithfully to Mary. As a matter of course, Miss +Crutty hated Miss Waters. The fact was, Mary had all the country +dangling after her, and not a soul would come to Magdalen, for all +her 12,000L. I used to be attentive to her though (as it's always +useful to be); and Mary would sometimes laugh and sometimes cry at +my flirting with Magdalen. This I thought proper very quickly to +check. "Mary," said I, "you know that my love for you is +disinterested,--for I am faithful to you, though Miss Crutty is +richer than you. Don't fly into a rage, then, because I pay her +attentions, when you know that my heart and my promise are engaged +to you." + +The fact is, to tell a little bit of a secret, there is nothing +like the having two strings to your bow. "Who knows?" thought I. +"Mary may die; and then where are my 10,000L.?" So I used to be +very kind indeed to Miss Crutty; and well it was that I was so: for +when I was twenty and Mary eighteen, I'm blest if news did not +arrive that Captain Waters, who was coming home to England with all +his money in rupees, had been taken--ship, rupees, self and all--by +a French privateer; and Mary, instead of 10,000L. had only 5,000L., +making a difference of no less than 350L. per annum betwixt her and +Miss Crutty. + +I had just joined my regiment (the famous North Bungay Fencibles, +Colonel Craw commanding) when this news reached me; and you may +fancy how a young man, in an expensive regiment and mess, having +uniforms and what not to pay for, and a figure to cut in the world, +felt at hearing such news! "My dearest Robert," wrote Miss Waters, +"will deplore my dear brother's loss: but not, I am sure, the money +which that kind and generous soul had promised me. I have still +five thousand pounds, and with this and your own little fortune (I +had 1,000L. in the Five per Cents!) we shall be as happy and +contented as possible." + +Happy and contented indeed! Didn't I know how my father got on +with his 300L. a year, and how it was all he could do out of it to +add a hundred a year to my narrow income, and live himself! My +mind was made up. I instantly mounted the coach and flew to our +village,--to Mr. Crutty's, of course. It was next door to Doctor +Bates's; but I had no business THERE. + +I found Magdalen in the garden. "Heavens, Mr. Stubbs!" said she, +as in my new uniform I appeared before her, "I really did never-- +such a handsome officer--expect to see you." And she made as if +she would blush, and began to tremble violently. I led her to a +garden-seat. I seized her hand--it was not withdrawn. I pressed +it;--I thought the pressure was returned. I flung myself on my +knees, and then I poured into her ear a little speech which I had +made on the top of the coach. "Divine Miss Crutty," said I; "idol +of my soul! It was but to catch one glimpse of you that I passed +through this garden. I never intended to breathe the secret +passion" (oh, no; of course not) "which was wearing my life away. +You know my unfortunate pre-engagement--it is broken, and FOR EVER! +I am free;--free, but to be your slave,--your humblest, fondest, +truest slave!" And so on. . . . . + +"Oh, Mr. Stubbs," said she, as I imprinted a kiss upon her cheek, +"I can't refuse you; but I fear you are a sad naughty man. . . . ." + +Absorbed in the delicious reverie which was caused by the dear +creature's confusion, we were both silent for a while, and should +have remained so for hours perhaps, so lost were we in happiness, +had I not been suddenly roused by a voice exclaiming from behind +us-- + +"DON'T CRY, MARY! HE IS A SWINDLING, SNEAKING SCOUNDREL, AND YOU +ARE WELL RID OF HIM!" + +I turned round. O heaven, there stood Mary, weeping on Doctor +Bates's arm, while that miserable apothecary was looking at me with +the utmost scorn. The gardener, who had let me in, had told them +of my arrival, and now stood grinning behind them. "Imperence!" +was my Magdalen's only exclamation, as she flounced by with the +utmost self-possession, while I, glancing daggers at the SPIES, +followed her. We retired to the parlor, where she repeated to me +the strongest assurances of her love. + +I thought I was a made man. Alas! I was only an APRIL FOOL! + + +MAY.--RESTORATION DAY. + + +As the month of May is considered, by poets and other philosophers, +to be devoted by Nature to the great purpose of love-making, I may +as well take advantage of that season and acquaint you with the +result of MY amours. + +Young, gay, fascinating, and an ensign--I had completely won the +heart of my Magdalen; and as for Miss Waters and her nasty uncle +the Doctor, there was a complete split between us, as you may +fancy; Miss pretending, forsooth, that she was glad I had broken +off the match, though she would have given her eyes, the little +minx, to have had it on again. But this was out of the question. +My father, who had all sorts of queer notions, said I had acted +like a rascal in the business; my mother took my part, in course, +and declared I acted rightly, as I always did: and I got leave of +absence from the regiment in order to press my beloved Magdalen to +marry me out of hand--knowing, from reading and experience, the +extraordinary mutability of human affairs. + +Besides, as the dear girl was seventeen years older than myself, +and as bad in health as she was in temper, how was I to know that +the grim king of terrors might not carry her off before she became +mine? With the tenderest warmth, then, and most delicate ardor, I +continued to press my suit. The happy day was fixed--the ever +memorable 10th of May, 1792. The wedding-clothes were ordered; +and, to make things secure, I penned a little paragraph for the +county paper to this effect:--"Marriage in High Life. We +understand that Ensign Stubbs, of the North Bungay Fencibles, and +son of Thomas Stubbs, of Sloffemsquiggle, Esquire, is about to lead +to the hymeneal altar the lovely and accomplished daughter of +Solomon Crutty, Esquire, of the same place. A fortune of twenty +thousand pounds is, we hear, the lady's portion. 'None but the +brave deserve the fair.'" + + . . . . . . + +"Have you informed your relatives, my beloved?" said I to Magdalen, +one day after sending the above notice; "will any of them attend at +your marriage?" + +"Uncle Sam will, I dare say," said Miss Crutty, "dear mamma's +brother." + +"And who WAS your dear mamma?" said I: for Miss Crutty's respected +parent had been long since dead, and I never heard her name +mentioned in the family. + +Magdalen blushed, and cast down her eyes to the ground. "Mamma was +a foreigner," at last she said. + +"And of what country?" + +"A German. Papa married her when she was very young:--she was not +of a very good family," said Miss Crutty, hesitating. + +"And what care I for family, my love!" said I, tenderly kissing the +knuckles of the hand which I held. "She must have been an angel +who gave birth to you." + +"She was a shoemaker's daughter." + +"A GERMAN SHOEMAKER! Hang 'em," thought I, "I have had enough of +them;" and so broke up this conversation, which did not somehow +please me. + + . . . . . . + +Well, the day was drawing near: the clothes were ordered; the banns +were read. My dear mamma had built a cake about the size of a +washing-tub; and I was only waiting for a week to pass to put me in +possession of twelve thousand pounds in the FIVE per Cents, as they +were in those days, heaven bless 'em! Little did I know the storm +that was brewing, and the disappointment which was to fall upon a +young man who really did his best to get a fortune. + + . . . . . . + +"Oh, Robert," said my Magdalen to me, two days before the match was +to come off, "I have SUCH a kind letter from uncle Sam in London. +I wrote to him as you wished. He says that he is coming down to- +morrow, that he has heard of you often, and knows your character +very well; and that he has got a VERY HANDSOME PRESENT for us! +What can it be, I wonder?" + +"Is he rich, my soul's adored?" says I. + +"He is a bachelor, with a fine trade, and nobody to leave his money +to." + +"His present can't be less than a thousand pounds?" says I. + +"Or, perhaps, a silver tea-set, and some corner-dishes," says she. + +But we could not agree to this: it was too little--too mean for a +man of her uncle's wealth; and we both determined it must be the +thousand pounds. + +"Dear good uncle! he's to be here by the coach," says Magdalen. +"Let us ask a little party to meet him." And so we did, and so +they came: my father and mother, old Crutty in his best wig, and +the parson who was to marry us the next day. The coach was to come +in at six. And there was the tea-table, and there was the punch- +bowl, and everybody ready and smiling to receive our dear uncle +from London. + +Six o'clock came, and the coach, and the man from the "Green +Dragon" with a portmanteau, and a fat old gentleman walking behind, +of whom I just caught a glimpse--a venerable old gentleman: I +thought I'd seen him before. + + . . . . . . + +Then there was a ring at the bell; then a scuffling and bumping in +the passage: then old Crutty rushed out, and a great laughing and +talking, and "HOW ARE YOU?" and so on, was heard at the door; and +then the parlor-door was flung open, and Crutty cried out with a +loud voice-- + +"Good people all! my brother-in-law, Mr. STIFFELKIND!" + +MR. STIFFELKIND!--I trembled as I heard the name! + +Miss Crutty kissed him; mamma made him a curtsy, and papa made him +a bow; and Dr. Snorter, the parson, seized his hand and shook it +most warmly: then came my turn! + +"Vat!" says he. "It is my dear goot yong frend from Doctor +Schvis'hentail's! is dis de yong gentleman's honorable moder" +(mamma smiled and made a curtsy), "and dis his fader? Sare and +madam, you should be broud of soch a sonn. And you my niece, if +you have him for a husband you vill be locky, dat is all. Vat dink +you, broder Croty, and Madame Stobbs, I 'ave made your sonn's +boots! Ha--ha!" + +My mamma laughed, and said, "I did not know it, but I am sure, sir, +he has as pretty a leg for a boot as any in the whole county." + +Old Stiffelkind roared louder. "A very nice leg, ma'am, and a very +SHEAP BOOT TOO. Vat! did you not know I make his boots? Perhaps +you did not know something else too--p'raps you did not know" (and +here the monster clapped his hand on the table and made the punch- +ladle tremble in the bowl)--"p'raps you did not know as dat yong +man, dat Stobbs, dat sneaking, baltry, squinting fellow, is as +vicked as he is ogly. He bot a pair of boots from me and never +paid for dem. Dat is noting, nobody never pays; but he bought a +pair of boots, and called himself Lord Cornvallis. And I was fool +enough to believe him vonce. But look you, niece Magdalen, I 'ave +got five tousand pounds: if you marry him I vill not give you a +benny. But look you what I will gif you: I bromised you a bresent, +and I will give you DESE!" + +And the old monster produced THOSE VERY BOOTS which Swishtail had +made him take back. + + . . . . . . + +I DIDN'T marry Miss Crutty: I am not sorry for it though. She was +a nasty, ugly, ill-tempered wretch, and I've always said so ever +since. + +And all this arose from those infernal boots, and that unlucky +paragraph in the county paper--I'll tell you how. + +In the first place, it was taken up as a quiz by one of the wicked, +profligate, unprincipled organs of the London press, who chose to +be very facetious about the "Marriage in High Life," and made all +sorts of jokes about me and my dear Miss Crutty. + +Secondly, it was read in this London paper by my mortal enemy, +Bunting, who had been introduced to old Stiffelkind's acquaintance +by my adventure with him, and had his shoes made regularly by that +foreign upstart. + +Thirdly, he happened to want a pair of shoes mended at this +particular period, and as he was measured by the disgusting old +High-Dutch cobbler, he told him his old friend Stubbs was going to +be married. + +"And to whom?" said old Stiffelkind. "To a voman wit geld, I vill +take my oath." + +"Yes," says Bunting, "a country girl--a Miss Magdalen Carotty or +Crotty, at a place called Sloffemsquiggle." + +"SHLOFFEMSCHWIEGEL!" bursts out the dreadful bootmaker. "Mein +Gott, mein Gott! das geht nicht! I tell you, sare, it is no go. +Miss Crotty is my niece. I vill go down myself. I vill never let +her marry dat goot-for-nothing schwindler and tief." SUCH was the +language that the scoundrel ventured to use regarding me! + + +JUNE.--MARROWBONES AND CLEAVERS. + + +Was there ever such confounded ill-luck? My whole life has been a +tissue of ill-luck: although I have labored perhaps harder than any +man to make a fortune, something always tumbled it down. In love +and in war I was not like others. In my marriages, I had an eye to +the main chance; and you see how some unlucky blow would come and +throw them over. In the army I was just as prudent, and just as +unfortunate. What with judicious betting, and horse-swapping, +good-luck at billiards, and economy, I do believe I put by my pay +every year,--and that is what few can say who have but an allowance +of a hundred a year. + +I'll tell you how it was. I used to be very kind to the young men; +I chose their horses for them, and their wine: and showed them how +to play billiards, or ecarte, of long mornings, when there was +nothing better to do. I didn't cheat: I'd rather die than cheat;-- +but if fellows WILL play, I wasn't the man to say no--why should I? +There was one young chap in our regiment of whom I really think I +cleared 300L. a year. + +His name was Dobble. He was a tailor's son, and wanted to be a +gentleman. A poor weak young creature; easy to be made tipsy; easy +to be cheated; and easy to be frightened. It was a blessing for +him that I found him; for if anybody else had, they would have +plucked him of every shilling. + +Ensign Dobble and I were sworn friends. I rode his horses for him, +and chose his champagne, and did everything, in fact, that a +superior mind does for an inferior,--when the inferior has got the +money. We were inseparables,--hunting everywhere in couples. We +even managed to fall in love with two sisters, as young soldiers +will do, you know; for the dogs fall in love, with every change of +quarters. + +Well, once, in the year 1793 (it was just when the French had +chopped poor Louis's head off), Dobble and I, gay young chaps as +ever wore sword by side, had cast our eyes upon two young ladies by +the name of Brisket, daughters of a butcher in the town where we +were quartered. The dear girls fell in love with us, of course. +And many a pleasant walk in the country, many a treat to a tea- +garden, many a smart ribbon and brooch used Dobble and I (for his +father allowed him 600L., and our purses were in common) present to +these young ladies. One day, fancy our pleasure at receiving a +note couched thus:-- + + +"DEER CAPTING STUBBS AND DOBBLE--Miss Briskets presents their +compliments, and as it is probble that our papa will be till twelve +at the corprayshun dinner, we request the pleasure of their company +to tea." + + +Didn't we go! Punctually at six we were in the little back-parlor; +we quaffed more Bohea, and made more love, than half a dozen +ordinary men could. At nine, a little punch-bowl succeeded to the +little teapot; and, bless the girls! a nice fresh steak was +frizzling on the gridiron for our supper. Butchers were butchers +then, and their parlor was their kitchen too; at least old +Brisket's was--one door leading into the shop, and one into the +yard, on the other side of which was the slaughter-house. + +Fancy, then, our horror when, just at this critical time, we heard +the shop-door open, a heavy staggering step on the flags, and a +loud husky voice from the shop, shouting, "Hallo, Susan; hallo, +Betsy! show a light!" Dobble turned as white as a sheet; the two +girls each as red as a lobster; I alone preserved my presence of +mind. "The back-door," says I--"The dog's in the court," say they. +"He's not so bad as the man," said I. "Stop!" cries Susan, +flinging open the door, and rushing to the fire. "Take THIS and +perhaps it will quiet him." + +What do you think "THIS" was? I'm blest if it was not the STEAK! + +She pushed us out, patted and hushed the dog, and was in again in a +minute. The moon was shining on the court, and on the slaughter- +house, where there hung the white ghastly-looking carcasses of a +couple of sheep; a great gutter ran down the court--a gutter of +BLOOD! The dog was devouring his beefsteak (OUR beefsteak) in +silence; and we could see through the little window the girls +hustling about to pack up the supper-things, and presently the +shop-door being opened, old Brisket entering, staggering, angry, +and drunk. What's more, we could see, perched on a high stool, and +nodding politely, as if to salute old Brisket, the FEATHER OF +DOBBLE'S COCKED HAT! When Dobble saw it, he turned white, and +deadly sick; and the poor fellow, in an agony of fright, sunk +shivering down upon one of the butcher's cutting-blocks, which was +in the yard. + +We saw old Brisket look steadily (as steadily as he could) at the +confounded, impudent, pert, waggling feather; and then an idea +began to dawn upon his mind, that there was a head to the hat; and +then he slowly rose up--he was a man of six feet, and fifteen +stone--he rose up, put on his apron and sleeves, and TOOK DOWN HIS +CLEAVER. + +"Betsy," says he, "open the yard door." But the poor girls +screamed, and flung on their knees, and begged, and wept, and did +their very best to prevent him. "OPEN THE YARD DOOR!" says he, +with a thundering loud voice; and the great bull-dog, hearing it, +started up and uttered a yell which sent me flying to the other end +of the court.--Dobble couldn't move; he was sitting on the block, +blubbering like a baby. + +The door opened, and out Mr. Brisket came. + +"TO HIM, JOWLER!" says he. "KEEP HIM, JOWLER!"--and the horrid dog +flew at me, and I flew back into the corner, and drew my sword, +determining to sell my life dearly. + +"That's it," says Brisket. "Keep him there,--good dog,--good dog! +And now, sir," says he, turning round to Dobble, "is this your +hat?" + +"Yes," says Dobble, fit to choke with fright. + +"Well, then," says Brisket, "it's my--(hic)--my painful duty to-- +(hic)--to tell you, that as I've got your hat, I must have your +head;--it's painful, but it must be done. You'd better--(hic)-- +settle yourself com--comfumarably against that--(hic)--that block, +and I'll chop it off before you can say Jack--(hic)--no, I mean +Jack Robinson." + +Dobble went down on his knees and shrieked out, "I'm an only son, +Mr. Brisket! I'll marry her, sir; I will, upon my honor, sir.-- +Consider my mother, sir; consider my mother." + +"That's it, sir," says Brisket that's a good--(hic)--a good boy;-- +just put your head down quietly--and I'll have it off--yes, off--as +if you were Louis the Six--the Sixtix--the Siktickleteenth.--I'll +chop the other CHAP AFTERWARDS." + +When I heard this, I made a sudden bound back, and gave such a cry +as any man might who was in such a way. The ferocious Jowler, +thinking I was going to escape, flew at my throat; screaming +furious, I flung out my arms in a kind of desperation,--and, to my +wonder, down fell the dog, dead, and run through the body! + + . . . . . . + +At this moment a posse of people rushed in upon old Brisket,--one +of his daughters had had the sense to summon them,--and Dobble's +head was saved. And when they saw the dog lying dead at my feet, +my ghastly look, my bloody sword, they gave me no small credit for +my bravery. "A terrible fellow that Stubbs," said they; and so the +mess said, the next day. + +I didn't tell them that the dog had committed SUICIDE--why should +I? And I didn't say a word about Dobble's cowardice. I said he +was a brave fellow, and fought like a tiger; and this prevented HIM +from telling tales. I had the dogskin made into a pair of pistol- +holsters, and looked so fierce, and got such a name for courage in +our regiment, that when we had to meet the regulars, Bob Stubbs was +always the man put forward to support the honor of the corps. The +women, you know, adore courage; and such was my reputation at this +time, that I might have had my pick out of half a dozen, with +three, four, or five thousand pounds apiece, who were dying for +love of me and my red coat. But I wasn't such a fool. I had been +twice on the point of marriage, and twice disappointed; and I vowed +by all the Saints to have a wife, and a rich one. Depend upon +this, as an infallible maxim to guide you through life: IT'S AS +EASY TO GET A RICH WIFE AS A POOR ONE;--the same bait that will +hook a fly will hook a salmon. + + +JULY.--SUMMARY PROCEEDINGS. + + +Dobble's reputation for courage was not increased by the butcher's- +dog adventure; but mine stood very high: little Stubbs was voted +the boldest chap of all the bold North Bungays. And though I must +confess, what was proved by subsequent circumstances, that nature +has NOT endowed me with a large, or even, I may say, an average +share of bravery, yet a man is very willing to flatter himself to +the contrary; and, after a little time, I got to believe that my +killing the dog was an action of undaunted courage, and that I was +as gallant as any of the one hundred thousand heroes of our army. +I always had a military taste--it's only the brutal part of the +profession, the horrid fighting and blood, that I don't like. + +I suppose the regiment was not very brave itself--being only +militia; but certain it was, that Stubbs was considered a most +terrible fellow, and I swore so much, and looked so fierce, that +you would have fancied I had made half a hundred campaigns. I was +second in several duels; the umpire in all disputes; and such a +crack-shot myself, that fellows were shy of insulting me. As for +Dobble, I took him under my protection; and he became so attached +to me, that we ate, drank, and rode together every day; his father +didn't care for money, so long as his son was in good company--and +what so good as that of the celebrated Stubbs? Heigho! I WAS good +company in those days, and a brave fellow too, as I should have +remained, but for--what I shall tell the public immediately. + +It happened, in the fatal year ninety-six, that the brave North +Bungays were quartered at Portsmouth, a maritime place, which I +need not describe, and which I wish I had never seen. I might have +been a General now, or, at least, a rich man. + +The red-coats carried everything before them in those days; and I, +such a crack character as I was in my regiment, was very well +received by the townspeople: many dinners I had; many tea-parties; +many lovely young ladies did I lead down the pleasant country- +dances. + +Well, although I had had the two former rebuffs in love which I +have described, my heart was still young; and the fact was, knowing +that a girl with a fortune was my only chance, I made love here as +furiously as ever. I shan't describe the lovely creatures on whom +I fixed, whilst at Portsmouth. I tried more than--several--and it +is a singular fact, which I never have been able to account for, +that, successful as I was with ladies of maturer age, by the young +ones I was refused regular. + +But "faint heart never won fair lady;" and so I went on, and on, +until I had got a Miss Clopper, a tolerable rich navy-contractor's +daughter, into such a way, that I really don't think she could have +refused me. Her brother, Captain Clopper, was in a line regiment, +and helped me as much as ever he could: he swore I was such a brave +fellow. + +As I had received a number of attentions from Clopper, I determined +to invite him to dinner; which I could do without any sacrifice of +my principle upon this point: for the fact is, Dobble lived at an +inn, and as he sent all his bills to his father, I made no scruple +to use his table. We dined in the coffee-room, Dobble bringing HIS +friend; and so we made a party CARRY, as the French say. Some +naval officers were occupied in a similar way at a table next to +ours. + +Well--I didn't spare the bottle, either for myself or for my +friends; and we grew very talkative, and very affectionate as the +drinking went on. Each man told stories of his gallantry in the +field, or amongst the ladies, as officers will, after dinner. +Clopper confided to the company his wish that I should marry his +sister, and vowed that he thought me the best fellow in Christendom. + +Ensign Dobble assented to this. "But let Miss Clopper beware," +says he, "for Stubbs is a sad fellow: he has had I don't know how +many liaisons already; and he has been engaged to I don't know how +many women." + +"Indeed!" says Clopper. "Come, Stubbs, tell us your adventures." + +"Psha!" said I, modestly, "there is nothing, indeed, to tell. I +have been in love, my dear boy--who has not?--and I have been +jilted--who has not?" + +Clopper swore he would blow his sister's brains out if ever SHE +served me so. + +"Tell him about Miss Crutty," said Dobble. "He! he! Stubbs served +THAT woman out, anyhow; she didn't jilt HIM. I'll be sworn." + +"Really, Dobble, you are too bad, and should not mention names. +The fact is, the girl was desperately in love with me, and had +money--sixty thousand pounds, upon my reputation. Well, everything +was arranged, when who should come down from London but a +relation." + +"Well, and did he prevent the match?" + +"Prevent it--yes, sir, I believe you he did; though not in the +sense that YOU mean. He would have given his eyes--ay, and ten +thousand pounds more--if I would have accepted the girl, but I +would not." + +"Why, in the name of goodness?" + +"Sir, her uncle was a SHOEMAKER. I never would debase myself by +marrying into such a family." + +"Of course not," said Dobble; "he couldn't, you know. Well, now-- +tell him about the other girl, Mary Waters, you know." + +"Hush, Dobble, hush! don't you see one of those naval officers has +turned round and heard you? My dear Clopper, it was a mere +childish bagatelle." + +"Well, but let's have it," said Clopper--"let's have it. I won't +tell my sister, you know." And he put his hand to his nose and +looked monstrous wise. + +"Nothing of that sort, Clopper--no, no--'pon honor--little Bob +Stubbs is no LIBERTINE; and the story is very simple. You see that +my father has a small place, merely a few hundred acres, at +Sloffemsquiggle. Isn't it a funny name? Hang it, there's the +naval gentleman staring again,"--(I looked terribly fierce as I +returned this officer's stare, and continued in a loud careless +voice). Well, at this Sloffemsquiggle there lived a girl, a Miss +Waters, the niece of some blackguard apothecary in the neighborhood; +but my mother took a fancy to the girl, and had her up to the park +and petted her. We were both young--and--and--the girl fell in love +with me, that's the fact. I was obliged to repel some rather warm +advances that she made me; and here, upon my honor as a gentleman, +you have all the story about which that silly Dobble makes such a +noise. + +Just as I finished this sentence. I found myself suddenly taken by +the nose, and a voice shouting out,-- + +"Mr. Stubbs, you are A LIAR AND A SCOUNDREL! Take this, sir,--and +this, for daring to meddle with the name of an innocent lady." + +I turned round as well as I could--for the ruffian had pulled me +out of my chair--and beheld a great marine monster, six feet high, +who was occupied in beating and kicking me, in the most +ungentlemanly manner, on my cheeks, my ribs, and between the tails +of my coat. "He is a liar, gentlemen, and a scoundrel! The +bootmaker had detected him in swindling, and so his niece refused +him. Miss Waters was engaged to him from childhood, and he +deserted her for the bootmaker's niece, who was richer."--And then +sticking a card between my stock and my coat-collar, in what is +called the scruff of my neck, the disgusting brute gave me another +blow behind my back, and left the coffee-room with his friends. + +Dobble raised me up; and taking the card from my neck, read, +CAPTAIN WATERS. Clopper poured me out a glass of water, and said +in my ear, "If this is true, you are an infernal scoundrel, Stubbs; +and must fight me, after Captain Waters;" and he flounced out of +the room. + +I had but one course to pursue. I sent the Captain a short and +contemptuous note, saying that he was beneath my anger. As for +Clopper, I did not condescend to notice his remark but in order to +get rid of the troublesome society of these low blackguards, I +determined to gratify an inclination I had long entertained, and +make a little tour. I applied for leave of absence, and set off +THAT VERY NIGHT. I can fancy the disappointment of the brutal +Waters, on coming, as he did, the next morning to my quarters and +finding me GONE. Ha! ha! + +After this adventure I became sick of a military life--at least the +life of my own regiment, where the officers, such was their +unaccountable meanness and prejudice against me, absolutely refused +to see me at mess. Colonel Craw sent me a letter to this effect, +which I treated as it deserved.--I never once alluded to it in any +way, and have since never spoken a single word to any man in the +North Bungays. + + +AUGUST.--DOGS HAVE THEIR DAYS. + + +See, now, what life is! I have had ill-luck on ill-luck from that +day to this. I have sunk in the world, and, instead of riding my +horse and drinking my wine, as a real gentleman should, have hardly +enough now to buy a pint of ale; ay, and am very glad when anybody +will treat me to one. Why, why was I born to undergo such +unmerited misfortunes? + +You must know that very soon after my adventure with Miss Crutty, +and that cowardly ruffian, Captain Waters (he sailed the day after +his insult to me, or I should most certainly have blown his brains +out; NOW he is living in England, and is my relation; but, of +course, I cut the fellow)--very soon after these painful events +another happened, which ended, too, in a sad disappointment. My +dear papa died, and, instead of leaving five thousand pounds, as I +expected at the very least, left only his estate, which was worth +but two. The land and house were left to me; to mamma and my +sisters he left, to be sure, a sum of two thousand pounds in the +hands of that eminent firm Messrs. Pump, Aldgate and Co., which +failed within six months after his demise, and paid in five years +about one shilling and ninepence in the pound; which really was all +my dear mother and sisters had to live upon. + +The poor creatures were quite unused to money matters; and, would +you believe it? when the news came of Pump and Aldgate's failure, +mamma only smiled, and threw her eyes up to heaven, and said, +"Blessed be God, that we have still wherewithal to live. There are +tens of thousands in this world, dear children, who would count our +poverty riches." And with this she kissed my two sisters, who +began to blubber, as girls always will do, and threw their arms +round her neck, and then round my neck, until I was half stifled +with their embraces, and slobbered all over with their tears. + +"Dearest mamma," said I, "I am very glad to see the noble manner in +which you bear your loss; and more still to know that you are so +rich as to be able to put up with it." The fact was, I really +thought the old lady had got a private hoard of her own, as many of +them have--a thousand pounds or so in a stocking. Had she put by +thirty pounds a year, as well she might, for the thirty years of +her marriage, there would have been nine hundred pounds clear, and +no mistake. But still I was angry to think that any such paltry +concealment had been practised--concealment too of MY money; so I +turned on her pretty sharply, and continued my speech. "You say, +Ma'am, that you are rich, and that Pump and Aldgate's failure has +no effect upon you. I am very happy to hear you say so, Ma'am-- +very happy that you ARE rich; and I should like to know where your +property, my father's property, for you had none of your own,--I +should like to know where this money lies--WHERE YOU HAVE CONCEALED +IT, Ma'am; and, permit me to say, that when I agreed to board you +and my two sisters for eighty pounds a year, I did not know that +you had OTHER resources than those mentioned in my blessed father's +will." + +This I said to her because I hated the meanness of concealment, not +because I lost by the bargain of boarding them: for the three poor +things did not eat much more than sparrows: and I've often since +calculated that I had a clear twenty pounds a year profit out of +them. + +Mamma and the girls looked quite astonished when I made the speech. +"What does he mean?" said Lucy to Eliza. + +Mamma repeated the question. "My beloved Robert, what concealment +are you talking of?" + +"I am talking of concealed property, Ma'am," says I sternly. + +"And do you--what--can you--do you really suppose that I have +concealed--any of that blessed sa-a-a-aint's prop-op-op-operty?" +screams out mamma. "Robert," says she--"Bob, my own darling boy-- +my fondest, best beloved, now HE is gone" (meaning my late +governor--more tears)--"you don't, you cannot fancy that your own +mother, who bore you, and nursed you, and wept for you, and would +give her all to save you from a moment's harm--you don't suppose +that she would che-e-e-eat you!" And here she gave a louder +screech than ever, and flung back on the sofa; and one of my +sisters went and tumbled into her arms, and t'other went round, and +the kissing and slobbering scene went on again, only I was left +out, thank goodness. I hate such sentimentality. + +"CHE-E-E-EAT ME," says I, mocking her. "What do you mean, then, by +saying you're so rich? Say, have you got money, or have you not?" +(And I rapped out a good number of oaths, too, which I don't put in +here; but I was in a dreadful fury, that's the fact.) + +"So help me heaven," says mamma, in answer, going down on her knees +and smacking her two hands, "I have but a Queen Anne's guinea in +the whole of this wicked world." + +"Then what, Madam, induces you to tell these absurd stories to me, +and to talk about your riches, when you know that you and your +daughters are beggars, Ma'am--BEGGARS?" + +"My dearest boy, have we not got the house, and the furniture, and +a hundred a year still; and have you not great talents, which will +make all our fortunes?" says Mrs. Stubbs, getting up off her knees, +and making believe to smile as she clawed hold of my hand and +kissed it. + +This was TOO cool. "YOU have got a hundred a year, Ma'am," says I-- +"YOU have got a house? Upon my soul and honor this is the first I +ever heard of it; and I'll tell you what, Ma'am," says I (and it +cut her PRETTY SHARPLY too): "as you've got it, YOU'D BETTER GO AND +LIVE IN IT. I've got quite enough to do with my own house, and +every penny of my own income." + +Upon this speech the old lady said nothing, but she gave a screech +loud enough to be heard from here to York, and down she fell-- +kicking and struggling in a regular fit. + + . . . . . . + +I did not see Mrs. Stubbs for some days after this, and the girls +used to come down to meals, and never speak; going up again and +stopping with their mother. At last, one day, both of them came in +very solemn to my study, and Eliza, the eldest, said, "Robert, +mamma has paid you our board up to Michaelmas." + +"She has," says I; for I always took precious good care to have it +in advance. + +"She says, Robert, That on Michaelmas day--we'll--we'll go away, +Robert." + +"Oh, she's going to her own house, is she, Lizzy? Very good. +She'll want the furniture, I suppose, and that she may have too, +for I'm going to sell the place myself." And so THAT matter was +settled. + + . . . . . . + +On Michaelmas day--and during these two months I hadn't, I do +believe, seen my mother twice (once, about two o'clock in the +morning, I woke and found her sobbing over my bed)--on Michaelmas- +day morning, Eliza comes to me and says, "ROBERT, THEY WILL COME +AND FETCH US AT SIX THIS EVENING." Well, as this was the last day, +I went and got the best goose I could find (I don't think I ever +saw a primer, or ate more hearty myself), and had it roasted at +three, with a good pudding afterwards; and a glorious bowl of +punch. "Here's a health to you, dear girls," says I, "and you, Ma, +and good luck to all three; and as you've not eaten a morsel, I +hope you won't object to a glass of punch. It's the old stuff, you +know, Ma'am, that that Waters sent to my father fifteen years ago." + +Six o'clock came, and with it came a fine barouche. As I live, +Captain Waters was on the box (it was his coach); that old thief, +Bates, jumped out, entered my house, and before I could say Jack +Robinson, whipped off mamma to the carriage: the girls followed, +just giving me a hasty shake of the hand; and as mamma was helped +in, Mary Waters, who was sitting inside, flung her arms round her, +and then round the girls; and the Doctor, who acted footman, jumped +on the box, and off they went; taking no more notice of ME than if +I'd been a nonentity. + +Here's a picture of the whole business:--Mamma and Miss Waters are +sitting kissing each other in the carriage, with the two girls in +the back seat: Waters is driving (a precious bad driver he is too); +and I'm standing at the garden door, and whistling. That old fool +Mary Malowney is crying behind the garden gate: she went off next +day along with the furniture; and I to get into that precious +scrape which I shall mention next. + + +SEPTEMBER.--PLUCKING A GOOSE. + + +After my papa's death, as he left me no money, and only a little +land, I put my estate into an auctioneer's hands, and determined to +amuse my solitude with a trip to some of our fashionable watering- +places. My house was now a desert to me. I need not say how the +departure of my dear parent, and her children, left me sad and +lonely. + +Well, I had a little ready money, and, for the estate, expected a +couple of thousand pounds. I had a good military-looking person: +for though I had absolutely cut the old North Bungays (indeed, +after my affair with Waters, Colonel Craw hinted to me, in the most +friendly manner, that I had better resign)--though I had left the +army, I still retained the rank of Captain; knowing the advantages +attendant upon that title in a watering-place tour. + +Captain Stubbs became a great dandy at Cheltenham, Harrogate, Bath, +Leamington, and other places. I was a good whist and billiard +player; so much so, that in many of these towns, the people used to +refuse, at last, to play with me, knowing how far I was their +superior. Fancy my surprise, about five years after the Portsmouth +affair, when strolling one day up the High Street, in Leamington, +my eyes lighted upon a young man, whom I remembered in a certain +butcher's yard, and elsewhere--no other, in fact, than Dobble. He, +too, was dressed en militaire, with a frogged coat and spurs; and +was walking with a showy-looking, Jewish-faced, black-haired lady, +glittering with chains and rings, with a green bonnet and a bird- +of-Paradise--a lilac shawl, a yellow gown, pink silk stockings, and +light-blue shoes. Three children, and a handsome footman, were +walking behind her, and the party, not seeing me, entered the +"Royal Hotel" together. + +I was known myself at the "Royal," and calling one of the waiters, +learned the names of the lady and gentleman. He was Captain +Dobble, the son of the rich army-clothier, Dobble (Dobble, Hobble +and Co. of Pall Mall);--the lady was a Mrs. Manasseh, widow of an +American Jew, living quietly at Leamington with her children, but +possessed of an immense property. There's no use to give one's +self out to be an absolute pauper: so the fact is, that I myself +went everywhere with the character of a man of very large means. +My father had died, leaving me immense sums of money, and landed +estates. Ah! I was the gentleman then, the real gentleman, and +everybody was too happy to have me at table. + +Well, I came the next day, and left a card for Dobble, with a note. +He neither returned my visit, nor answered my note. The day after, +however, I met him with the widow, as before; and going up to him, +very kindly seized him by the hand, and swore I was--as really was +the case--charmed to see him. Dobble hung back, to my surprise, +and I do believe the creature would have cut me, if he dared; but I +gave him a frown, and said-- + +"What, Dobble, my boy, don't you recollect old Stubbs, and our +adventure with the butcher's daughters--ha?" + +Dobble gave a sickly kind of grin, and said, "Oh! ah! yes! It is-- +yes! it is, I believe, Captain Stubbs." + +"An old comrade, Madam, of Captain Dobble's, and one who has heard +so much, and seen so much of your ladyship, that he must take the +liberty of begging his friend to introduce him." + +Dobble was obliged to take the hint; and Captain Stubbs was duly +presented to Mrs. Manasseh. The lady was as gracious as possible; +and when, at the end of the walk, we parted, she said "she hoped +Captain Dobble would bring me to her apartments that evening, where +she expected a few friends." Everybody, you see, knows everybody +at Leamington; and I, for my part, was well known as a retired +officer of the army, who, on his father's death, had come into +seven thousand a year. Dobble's arrival had been subsequent to +mine; but putting up as he did at the "Royal Hotel," and dining at +the ordinary there with the widow, he had made her acquaintance +before I had. I saw, however, that if I allowed him to talk about +me, as he could, I should be compelled to give up all my hopes and +pleasures at Leamington; and so I determined to be short with him. +As soon as the lady had gone into the hotel, my friend Dobble was +for leaving me likewise; but I stopped him and said, "Mr. Dobble, I +saw what you meant just now: you wanted to cut me, because, +forsooth, I did not choose to fight a duel at Portsmouth. Now look +you, Dobble, I am no hero, but I'm not such a coward as you--and +you know it. You are a very different man to deal with from +Waters; and I WILL FIGHT this time." + +Not perhaps that I would: but after the business of the butcher, I +knew Dobble to be as great a coward as ever lived; and there never +was any harm in threatening, for you know you are not obliged to +stick to it afterwards. My words had their effect upon Dobble, who +stuttered and looked red, and then declared he never had the +slightest intention of passing me by; so we became friends, and his +mouth was stopped. + +He was very thick with the widow, but that lady had a very +capacious heart, and there were a number of other gentlemen who +seemed equally smitten with her. "Look at that Mrs. Manasseh," +said a gentleman (it was droll, HE was a Jew, too) sitting at +dinner by me. "She is old, and ugly, and yet, because she has +money, all the men are flinging themselves at her." + +"She has money, has she?" + +"Eighty thousand pounds, and twenty thousand for each of her +children. I know it FOR A FACT," said the strange gentleman. "I +am in the law, and we of our faith, you know, know pretty well what +the great families amongst us are worth." + +"Who was Mr. Manasseh?" said I. + +"A man of enormous wealth--a tobacco-merchant--West Indies; a +fellow of no birth, however; and who, between ourselves, married a +woman that is not much better than she should be. My dear sir," +whispered he, "she is always in love. Now it is with that Captain +Dobble; last week it was somebody else--and it may be you next +week, if--ha! ha! ha!--you are disposed to enter the lists. I +wouldn't, for MY part, have the woman with twice her money." + +What did it matter to me whether the woman was good or not, +provided she was rich? My course was quite clear. I told Dobble +all that this gentleman had informed me, and being a pretty good +hand at making a story, I made the widow appear SO bad, that the +poor fellow was quite frightened, and fairly quitted the field. +Ha! ha! I'm dashed if I did not make him believe that Mrs. Manasseh +had MURDERED her last husband. + +I played my game so well, thanks to the information that my friend +the lawyer had given me, that in a month I had got the widow to +show a most decided partiality for me. I sat by her at dinner, I +drank with her at the "Wells"--I rode with her, I danced with her, +and at a picnic to Kenilworth, where we drank a good deal of +champagne, I actually popped the question, and was accepted. In +another month, Robert Stubbs, Esq., led to the altar, Leah, widow +of the late Z. Manasseh, Esq., of St. Kitt's! + + . . . . . . + +We drove up to London in her comfortable chariot: the children and +servants following in a post-chaise. I paid, of course, for +everything; and until our house in Berkeley Square was painted, we +stopped at "Stevens's Hotel." + + . . . . . . + +My own estate had been sold, and the money was lying at a bank in +the City. About three days after our arrival, as we took our +breakfast in the hotel, previous to a visit to Mrs. Stubbs's +banker, where certain little transfers were to be made, a gentleman +was introduced, who, I saw at a glance, was of my wife's +persuasion. + +He looked at Mrs. Stubbs, and made a bow. "Perhaps it will be +convenient to you to pay this little bill, one hundred and fifty- +two pounds?" + +"My love," says she, "will you pay this--it is a trifle which I had +really forgotten?" + +"My soul!" said I, "I have really not the money in the house." + +"Vel, denn, Captain Shtubbsh," says he, "I must do my duty--and +arrest you--here is the writ! Tom, keep the door?" My wife +fainted--the children screamed, and I fancy my condition as I was +obliged to march off to a spunging-house along with a horrid +sheriff's officer? + + +OCTOBER.--MARS AND VENUS IN OPPOSITION. + + +I shall not describe my feelings when I found myself in a cage in +Cursitor Street, instead of that fine house in Berkeley Square, +which was to have been mine as the husband of Mrs. Manasseh. What +a place!--in an odious, dismal street leading from Chancery Lane. +A hideous Jew boy opened the second of three doors and shut it when +Mr. Nabb and I (almost fainting) had entered; then he opened the +third door, and then I was introduced to a filthy place called a +coffee-room, which I exchanged for the solitary comfort of a little +dingy back-parlor, where I was left for a while to brood over my +miserable fate. Fancy the change between this and Berkeley Square! +Was I, after all my pains, and cleverness, and perseverance, +cheated at last? Had this Mrs. Manasseh been imposing upon me, and +were the words of the wretch I met at the table-d'hote at +Leamington only meant to mislead me and take me in? I determined +to send for my wife, and know the whole truth. I saw at once that +I had been the victim of an infernal plot, and that the carriage, +the house in town, the West India fortune, were only so many lies +which I had blindly believed. It was true that the debt was but a +hundred and fifty pounds; and I had two thousand at my bankers'. +But was the loss of HER 80,000L. nothing? Was the destruction of +my hopes nothing? The accursed addition to my family of a Jewish +wife and three Jewish children, nothing? And all these I was to +support out of my two thousand pounds. I had better have stopped +at home with my mamma and sisters, whom I really did love, and who +produced me eighty pounds a year. + +I had a furious interview with Mrs. Stubbs; and when I charged her, +the base wretch! with cheating me, like a brazen serpent as she +was, she flung back the cheat in my teeth, and swore I had swindled +her. Why did I marry her, when she might have had twenty others? +She only took me, she said, because I had twenty thousand pounds. +I HAD said I possessed that sum; but in love, you know, and war +all's fair. + +We parted quite as angrily as we met; and I cordially vowed that +when I had paid the debt into which I had been swindled by her, I +would take my 2,000L. and depart to some desert island; or, at the +very least, to America, and never see her more, or any of her +Israelitish brood. There was no use in remaining in the spunging- +house (for I knew that there were such things as detainers, and +that where Mrs. Stubbs owed a hundred pounds, she might owe a +thousand) so I sent for Mr. Nabb, and tendering him a cheque for +150L. and his costs, requested to be let out forthwith. "Here, +fellow," said I, "is a cheque on Child's for your paltry sum." + +"It may be a sheck on Shild's," says Mr. Nabb; "but I should be a +baby to let you out on such a paper as dat." + +"Well," said I, "Child's is but a step from this: you may go and +get the cash,--just give me an acknowledgment." + +Nabb drew out the acknowledgment with great punctuality, and set +off for the bankers', whilst I prepared myself for departure from +this abominable prison. + +He smiled as he came in. "Well," said I, "you have touched your +money; and now, I must tell you, that you are the most infernal +rogue and extortioner I ever met with." + +"Oh, no, Mishter Shtubbsh," says he, grinning still. "Dere is som +greater roag dan me,--mosh greater." + +"Fellow," said I, "don't stand grinning before a gentleman; but +give me my hat and cloak, and let me leave your filthy den." + +"Shtop, Shtubbsh," says he, not even Mistering me this time. "Here +ish a letter, vich you had better read." + +I opened the letter; something fell to the ground:--it was my +cheque. + +The letter ran thus: "Messrs. Child and Co. present their +compliments to Captain Stubbs, and regret that they have been +obliged to refuse payment of the enclosed, having been served this +day with an attachment by Messrs. Solomonson and Co., which compels +them to retain Captain Stubbs' balance of 2,010L. 11s. 6d. until +the decision of the suit of Solomonson v. Stubbs. + +"FLEET STREET." + +"You see," says Mr. Nabb, as I read this dreadful letter--"you see, +Shtubbsh, dere vas two debts,--a little von and a big von. So dey +arrested you for de little von, and attashed your money for de big +von." + +Don't laugh at me for telling this story. If you knew what tears +are blotting over the paper as I write it--if you knew that for +weeks after I was more like a madman than a sane man,--a madman in +the Fleet Prison, where I went instead of to the desert island! +What had I done to deserve it? Hadn't I always kept an eye to the +main chance? Hadn't I lived economically, and not like other young +men? Had I ever been known to squander or give away a single +penny? No! I can lay my hand on my heart, and, thank heaven, say, +No! Why, why was I punished so? + +Let me conclude this miserable history. Seven months--my wife saw +me once or twice, and then dropped me altogether--I remained in +that fatal place. I wrote to my dear mamma, begging her to sell +her furniture, but got no answer. All my old friends turned their +backs upon me. My action went against me--I had not a penny to +defend it. Solomonson proved my wife's debt, and seized my two +thousand pounds. As for the detainer against me, I was obliged to +go through the court for the relief of insolvent debtors. I passed +through it, and came out a beggar. But fancy the malice of that +wicked Stiffelkind: he appeared in court as my creditor for 3L., +with sixteen years' interest at five per cent, for a PAIR OF TOP- +BOOTS. The old thief produced them in court, and told the whole +story--Lord Cornwallis, the detection, the pumping and all. + +Commissioner Dubobwig was very funny about it. "So Doctor +Swishtail would not pay you for the boots, eh, Mr. Stiffelkind?" + +"No: he said, ven I asked him for payment, dey was ordered by a +yong boy, and I ought to have gone to his schoolmaster." + +"What! then you came on a BOOTLESS errand, ay, sir?" (A laugh.) + +"Bootless! no sare, I brought de boots back vid me. How de devil +else could I show dem to you?" (Another laugh.) + +"You've never SOLED 'em since, Mr. Tickleshins?" + +"I never would sell dem; I svore I never vood, on porpus to be +revenged on dat Stobbs." + +"What! your wound has never been HEALED, eh?" + +"Vat do you mean vid your bootless errands, and your soling and +healing? I tell you I have done vat I svore to do: I have exposed +him at school; I have broak off a marriage for him, ven he vould +have had tventy tousand pound; and now I have showed him up in a +court of justice. Dat is vat I 'ave done, and dat's enough." And +then the old wretch went down, whilst everybody was giggling and +staring at poor me--as if I was not miserable enough already. + +"This seems the dearest pair of boots you ever had in your life, +Mr. Stubbs," said Commissioner Dubobwig very archly, and then he +began to inquire about the rest of my misfortunes. + +In the fulness of my heart I told him the whole of them: how Mr. +Solomonson the attorney had introduced me to the rich widow, Mrs. +Manasseh, who had fifty thousand pounds, and an estate in the West +Indies. How I was married, and arrested on coming to town, and +cast in an action for two thousand pounds brought against me by +this very Solomonson for my wife's debts. + +"Stop!" says a lawyer in the court. "Is this woman a showy black- +haired woman with one eye? very often drunk, with three children?-- +Solomonson, short, with red hair?" + +"Exactly so," said I, with tears in my eyes. + +"That woman has married THREE MEN within the last two years. One +in Ireland, and one at Bath. A Solomonson is, I believe, her +husband, and they both are off for America ten days ago." + +"But why did you not keep your 2,000L.?" said the lawyer. + +"Sir, they attached it." + +"Oh, well, we may pass you. You have been unlucky, Mr. Stubbs, but +it seems as if the biter had been bit in this affair." + +"No," said Mr. Dubobwig. "Mr. Stubbs is the victim of a FATAL +ATTACHMENT." + + +NOVEMBER.--A GENERAL POST DELIVERY. + + +I was a free man when I went out of the Court; but I was a beggar-- +I, Captain Stubbs, of the bold North Bungays, did not know where I +could get a bed, or a dinner. + +As I was marching sadly down Portugal Street, I felt a hand on my +shoulder and a rough voice which I knew well. + +"Vell, Mr. Stobbs, have I not kept my promise? I told you dem +boots would be your ruin." + +I was much too miserable to reply; and only cast my eyes towards +the roofs of the houses, which I could not see for the tears. + +"Vat! you begin to gry and blobber like a shild? you vood marry, +vood you? and noting vood do for you but a vife vid monny--ha, ha-- +but you vere de pigeon, and she was de grow. She has plocked you, +too, pretty vell--eh? ha! ha!" + +"Oh, Mr. Stiffelkind," said I, "don't laugh at my misery: she has +not left me a single shilling under heaven. And I shall starve: I +do believe I shall starve." And I began to cry fit to break my +heart. + +"Starf! stoff and nonsense! You vill never die of starfing--you +vill die of HANGING, I tink--ho! ho!--and it is moch easier vay +too." I didn't say a word, but cried on; till everybody in the +street turned round and stared. + +"Come, come," said Stiffelkind, "do not gry, Gaptain Stobbs--it is +not goot for a Gaptain to gry--ha! ha! Dere--come vid me, and you +shall have a dinner, and a bregfast too,--vich shall gost you +nothing, until you can bay vid your earnings." + +And so this curious old man, who had persecuted me all through my +prosperity, grew compassionate towards me in my ill-luck; and took +me home with him as he promised. "I saw your name among de +Insolvents, and I vowed, you know, to make you repent dem boots. +Dere, now, it is done and forgotten, look you. Here, Betty, +Bettchen, make de spare bed, and put a clean knife and fork; Lort +Cornvallis is come to dine vid me." + +I lived with this strange old man for six weeks. I kept his books, +and did what little I could to make myself useful: carrying about +boots and shoes, as if I had never borne his Majesty's commission. +He gave me no money, but he fed and lodged me comfortably. The men +and boys used to laugh, and call me General, and Lord Cornwallis, +and all sorts of nicknames; and old Stiffelkind made a thousand new +ones for me. + +One day I can recollect--one miserable day, as I was polishing on +the trees a pair of boots of Mr. Stiffelkind's manufacture--the old +gentleman came into the shop, with a lady on his arm. + +"Vere is Gaptain Stobbs?" said he. "Vere is dat ornament to his +Majesty's service?" + +I came in from the back shop, where I was polishing the boots, with +one of them in my hand. + +"Look, my dear," says he, "here is an old friend of yours, his +Excellency Lort Cornvallis!--Who would have thought such a nobleman +vood turn shoeblack? Captain Stobbs, here is your former flame, my +dear niece, Miss Grotty. How could you, Magdalen, ever leaf such a +lof of a man? Shake hands vid her, Gaptain;--dere, never mind de +blacking!" But Miss drew back. + +"I never shake hands with a SHOEBLACK," said she, mighty +contemptuous. + +"Bah! my lof, his fingers von't soil you. Don't you know he has +just been VITEVASHED?" + +"I wish, uncle," says she, "you would not leave me with such low +people." + +"Low, because he cleans boots? De Gaptain prefers PUMPS to boots I +tink--ha! ha!" + +"Captain indeed! a nice Captain," says Miss Crutty, snapping her +fingers in my face, and walking away: "a Captain who has had his +nose pulled! ha! ha!"--And how could I help it? it wasn't by my own +CHOICE that that ruffian Waters took such liberties with me. +Didn't I show how averse I was to all quarrels by refusing +altogether his challenge?--But such is the world. And thus the +people at Stiffelkind's used to tease me, until they drove me +almost mad. + +At last he came home one day more merry and abusive than ever. +"Gaptain," says he, "I have goot news for you--a goot place. Your +lordship vill not be able to geep your garridge, but you vill be +gomfortable, and serve his Majesty." + +"Serve his Majesty?" says I. "Dearest Mr. Stiffelkind, have you +got me a place under Government?" + +"Yes, and somting better still--not only a place, but a uniform: +yes, Gaptain Stobbs, a RED GOAT." + +"A red coat! I hope you don't think I would demean myself by +entering the ranks of the army? I am a gentleman, Mr. Stiffelkind-- +I can never--no, I never--" + +"No, I know you will never--you are too great a goward--ha! ha!-- +though dis is a red goat, and a place where you must give some HARD +KNOCKS too--ha! ha!--do you gomprehend?--and you shall be a general +instead of a gaptain--ha! ha!" + +"A general in a red coat, Mr. Stiffelkind?" + +"Yes, a GENERAL BOSTMAN!--ha! ha! I have been vid your old friend, +Bunting, and he has an uncle in the Post Office, and he has got you +de place--eighteen shillings a veek, you rogue, and your goat. You +must not oben any of de letters you know." + +And so it was--I, Robert Stubbs, Esquire, became the vile thing he +named--a general postman! + + . . . . . . + +I was so disgusted with Stiffelkind's brutal jokes, which were now +more brutal than ever, that when I got my place in the Post Office, +I never went near the fellow again: for though he had done me a +favor in keeping me from starvation, he certainly had done it in a +very rude, disagreeable manner, and showed a low and mean spirit in +SHOVING me into such a degraded place as that of postman. But what +had I to do? I submitted to fate, and for three years or more, +Robert Stubbs, of the North Bungay Fencibles, was-- + +I wonder nobody recognized me. I lived in daily fear the first +year: but afterwards grew accustomed to my situation, as all great +men will do, and wore my red coat as naturally as if I had been +sent into the world only for the purpose of being a letter-carrier. + +I was first in the Whitechapel district, where I stayed for nearly +three years, when I was transferred to Jermyn Street and Duke +Street--famous places for lodgings. I suppose I left a hundred +letters at a house in the latter street, where lived some people +who must have recognized me had they but once chanced to look at +me. + +You see that when I left Sloffemsquiggle, and set out in the gay +world, my mamma had written to me a dozen times at least; but I +never answered her, for I knew she wanted money, and I detest +writing. Well, she stopped her letters, finding she could get none +from me:--but when I was in the Fleet, as I told you, I wrote +repeatedly to my dear mamma, and was not a little nettled at her +refusing to notice me in my distress, which is the very time one +most wants notice. + +Stubbs is not an uncommon name; and though I saw MRS. STUBBS on a +little bright brass plate, in Duke street, and delivered so many +letters to the lodgers in her house, I never thought of asking who +she was, or whether she was my relation, or not. + +One day the young woman who took in the letters had not got change, +and she called her mistress. An old lady in a poke-bonnet came out +of the parlor, and put on her spectacles, and looked at the letter, +and fumbled in her pocket for eightpence, and apologized to the +postman for keeping him waiting. And when I said, "Never mind, +Ma'am, it's no trouble," the old lady gave a start, and then she +pulled off her spectacles, and staggered back; and then she began +muttering, as if about to choke; and then she gave a great screech, +and flung herself into my arms, and roared out, "MY SON, MY SON!" + +"Law, mamma," said I, "is that you?" and I sat down on the hall +bench with her, and let her kiss me as much as ever she liked. +Hearing the whining and crying, down comes another lady from up +stairs,--it was my sister Eliza; and down come the lodgers. And +the maid gets water and what not, and I was the regular hero of the +group. I could not stay long then, having my letters to deliver. +But, in the evening, after mail-time, I went back to my mamma and +sister; and, over a bottle of prime old port, and a precious good +leg of boiled mutton and turnips, made myself pretty comfortable, I +can tell you. + + +DECEMBER.--"THE WINTER OF OUR DISCONTENT." + + +Mamma had kept the house in Duke Street for more than two years. +I recollected some of the chairs and tables from dear old +Sloffemsquiggle, and the bowl in which I had made that famous rum- +punch, the evening she went away, which she and my sisters left +untouched, and I was obliged to drink after they were gone; but +that's not to the purpose. + +Think of my sister Lucy's luck! that chap, Waters, fell in love +with her, and married her; and she now keeps her carriage, and +lives in state near Sloffemsquiggle. I offered to make it up with +Waters; but he bears malice, and never will see or speak to me.--He +had the impudence, too, to say, that he took in all letters for +mamma at Sloffemsquiggle; and that as mine were all begging- +letters, he burned them, and never said a word to her concerning +them. He allowed mamma fifty pounds a year, and, if she were not +such a fool, she might have had three times as much; but the old +lady was high and mighty forsooth, and would not be beholden, even +to her own daughter, for more than she actually wanted. Even this +fifty pound she was going to refuse; but when I came to live with +her, of course I wanted pocket-money as well as board and lodging, +and so I had the fifty pounds for MY share, and eked out with it as +well as I could. + +Old Bates and the Captain, between them, gave mamma a hundred +pounds when she left me (she had the deuce's own luck, to be sure-- +much more than ever fell to ME, I know) and as she said she WOULD +try and work for her living, it was thought best to take a house +and let lodgings, which she did. Our first and second floor paid +us four guineas a week, on an average; and the front parlor and +attic made forty pounds more. Mamma and Eliza used to have the +front attic: but I took that, and they slept in the servants' +bedroom. Lizzy had a pretty genius for work, and earned a guinea a +week that way; so that we had got nearly two hundred a year over +the rent to keep house with,--and we got on pretty well. Besides, +women eat nothing: my women didn't care for meat for days together +sometimes,--so that it was only necessary to dress a good steak or +so for me. + +Mamma would not think of my continuing in the Post Office. She +said her dear Robert, her husband's son, her gallant soldier, and +all that, should remain at home and be a gentleman--which I was, +certainly, though I didn't find fifty pounds a year very much to +buy clothes and be a gentleman upon. To be sure, mother found me +shirts and linen, so that THAT wasn't in the fifty pounds. She +kicked a little at paying the washing too; but she gave in at last, +for I was her dear Bob, you know; and I'm blest if I could not make +her give me the gown off her back. Fancy! once she cut up a very +nice rich black silk scarf, which my sister Waters sent her, and +made me a waistcoat and two stocks of it. She was so VERY soft, +the old lady! + + . . . . . . + +I'd lived in this way for five years or more, making myself content +with my fifty pounds a year (PERHAPS I had saved a little out of +it; but that's neither here nor there). From year's end to year's +end I remained faithful to my dear mamma, never leaving her except +for a month or so in the summer--when a bachelor may take a trip to +Gravesend or Margate, which would be too expensive for a family. I +say a bachelor, for the fact is, I don't know whether I am married +or not--never having heard a word since of the scoundrelly Mrs. +Stubbs. + +I never went to the public-house before meals: for, with my +beggarly fifty pounds, I could not afford to dine away from home: +but there I had my regular seat, and used to come home PRETTY +GLORIOUS, I can tell you. Then bed till eleven; then breakfast and +the newspaper; then a stroll in Hyde Park or St. James's; then home +at half-past three to dinner--when I jollied, as I call it, for the +rest of the day. I was my mother's delight; and thus, with a clear +conscience, I managed to live on. + + . . . . . . + +How fond she was of me, to be sure! Being sociable myself, and +loving to have my friends about me, we often used to assemble a +company of as hearty fellows as you would wish to sit down with, +and keep the nights up royally. "Never mind, my boys," I used to +say. "Send the bottle round: mammy pays for all." As she did, +sure enough: and sure enough we punished her cellar too. The good +old lady used to wait upon us, as if for all the world she had been +my servant, instead of a lady and my mamma. Never used she to +repine, though I often, as I must confess, gave her occasion +(keeping her up till four o'clock in the morning, because she never +could sleep until she saw her "dear Bob" in bed, and leading her a +sad anxious life). She was of such a sweet temper, the old lady, +that I think in the course of five years I never knew her in a +passion, except twice: and then with sister Lizzy, who declared I +was ruining the house, and driving the lodgers away, one by one. +But mamma would not hear of such envious spite on my sister's part. +"Her Bob" was always right, she said. At last Lizzy fairly +retreated, and went to the Waters's.--I was glad of it, for her +temper was dreadful, and we used to be squabbling from morning till +night! + +Ah, those WERE jolly times! but Ma was obliged to give up the +lodging-house at last--for, somehow, things went wrong after my +sister's departure--the nasty uncharitable people said, on account +of ME; because I drove away the lodgers by smoking and drinking, +and kicking up noises in the house; and because Ma gave me so much +of her money:--so she did, but if she WOULD give it, you know, how +could I help it? Heigho! I wish I'd KEPT it. + +No such luck. The business I thought was to last for ever: but at +the end of two years came a smash--shut up shop--sell off +everything. Mamma went to the Waters's: and, will you believe it? +the ungrateful wretches would not receive me! that Mary, you see, +was SO disappointed at not marrying me. Twenty pounds a year they +allow, it is true; but what's that for a gentleman? For twenty +years I have been struggling manfully to gain an honest livelihood, +and, in the course of them, have seen a deal of life, to be sure. +I've sold cigars and pocket-handkerchiefs at the corners of +streets; I've been a billiard-marker; I've been a director (in the +panic year) of the Imperial British Consolidated Mangle and Drying +Ground Company. I've been on the stage (for two years as an actor, +and about a month as a cad, when I was very low); I've been the +means of giving to the police of this empire some very valuable +information (about licensed victuallers, gentlemen's carts, and +pawnbrokers' names); I've been very nearly an officer again--that +is, an assistant to an officer of the Sheriff of Middlesex: it was +my last place. + +On the last day of the year 1837, even THAT game was up. It's a +thing that very seldom happened to a gentleman, to be kicked out of +a spunging-house; but such was my case. Young Nabb (who succeeded +his father) drove me ignominiously from his door, because I had +charged a gentleman in the coffee-rooms seven-and-sixpence for a +glass of ale and bread and cheese, the charge of the house being +only six shillings. He had the meanness to deduct the eighteenpence +from my wages, and because I blustered a bit, he took me by the +shoulders and turned me out--me, a gentleman, and, what is more, a +poor orphan! + +How I did rage and swear at him when I got out into the street! +There stood he, the hideous Jew monster, at the double door, +writhing under the effect of my language. I had my revenge! Heads +were thrust out of every bar of his windows, laughing at him. A +crowd gathered round me, as I stood pounding him with my satire, +and they evidently enjoyed his discomfiture. I think the mob would +have pelted the ruffian to death (one or two of their missiles hit +ME, I can tell you), when a policeman came up, and in reply to a +gentleman, who was asking what was the disturbance, said, "Bless +you, sir, it's Lord Cornwallis." "Move on, BOOTS," said the fellow +to me; for the fact is, my misfortunes and early life are pretty +well known--and so the crowd dispersed. + +"What could have made that policeman call you Lord Cornwallis and +Boots?" said the gentleman, who seemed mightily amused, and had +followed me. "Sir," says I, "I am an unfortunate officer of the +North Bungay Fencibles, and I'll tell you willingly for a pint of +beer." He told me to follow him to his chambers in the Temple, +which I did (a five-pair back), and there, sure enough, I had the +beer; and told him this very story you've been reading. You see he +is what is called a literary man--and sold my adventures for me to +the booksellers; he's a strange chap; and says they're MORAL. + + . . . . . . + +I'm blest if I can see anything moral in them. I'm sure I ought to +have been more lucky through life, being so very wide awake. And +yet here I am, without a place, or even a friend, starving upon a +beggarly twenty pounds a year--not a single sixpence more, upon MY +HONOR. + + + + + +End of The Project Gutenberg Etext of The Fatal Boots, by Wm.Thackeray + diff --git a/old/fboot10.zip b/old/fboot10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6fcd220 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/fboot10.zip |