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+The Project Gutenberg Etext of The Fatal Boots, by Wm.Thackeray
+#25 in our series by William Makepeace Thackeray
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+Title:  The Fatal Boots
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+Author:  William Makepeace Thackeray
+
+October, 2001  [Etext #2844]
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+The Project Gutenberg Etext of The Fatal Boots, by Wm.Thackeray
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+
+
+
+
+
+THE FATAL BOOTS.
+
+
+by William Makepeace Thackeray
+
+
+
+
+THE FATAL BOOTS:--
+
+
+January.--The Birth of the Year
+
+February.--Cutting Weather
+
+March.--Showery
+
+April.--Fooling
+
+May.--Restoration Day
+
+June.--Marrowbones and Cleavers
+
+July.--Summary Proceedings
+
+August.--Dogs have their Days
+
+September.--Plucking a Goose
+
+October.--Mars and Venus in Opposition
+
+November.--A General Post Delivery
+
+December.--"The Winter of Our Discontent"
+
+
+
+
+THE FATAL BOOTS
+
+
+JANUARY.--THE BIRTH OF THE YEAR.
+
+
+Some poet has observed, that if any man would write down what has
+really happened to him in this mortal life, he would be sure to
+make a good book, though he never had met with a single adventure
+from his birth to his burial.  How much more, then, must I, who
+HAVE had adventures, most singular, pathetic, and unparalleled, be
+able to compile an instructive and entertaining volume for the use
+of the public.
+
+I don't mean to say that I have killed lions, or seen the wonders
+of travel in the deserts of Arabia or Prussia; or that I have been
+a very fashionable character, living with dukes and peeresses, and
+writing my recollections of them, as the way now is.  I never left
+this my native isle, nor spoke to a lord (except an Irish one, who
+had rooms in our house, and forgot to pay three weeks' lodging and
+extras); but, as our immortal bard observes, I have in the course
+of my existence been so eaten up by the slugs and harrows of
+outrageous fortune, and have been the object of such continual and
+extraordinary ill-luck, that I believe it would melt the heart of a
+milestone to read of it--that is, if a milestone had a heart of
+anything but stone.
+
+Twelve of my adventures, suitable for meditation and perusal during
+the twelve months of the year, have been arranged by me for this
+work.  They contain a part of the history of a great, and,
+confidently I may say, a GOOD man.  I was not a spendthrift like
+other men.  I never wronged any man of a shilling, though I am as
+sharp a fellow at a bargain as any in Europe.  I never injured a
+fellow-creature; on the contrary, on several occasions, when
+injured myself, have shown the most wonderful forbearance.  I come
+of a tolerably good family; and yet, born to wealth--of an
+inoffensive disposition, careful of the money that I had, and eager
+to get more,--I have been going down hill ever since my journey of
+life began, and have been pursued by a complication of misfortunes
+such as surely never happened to any man but the unhappy Bob
+Stubbs.
+
+Bob Stubbs is my name; and I haven't got a shilling: I have borne
+the commission of lieutenant in the service of King George, and am
+NOW--but never mind what I am now, for the public will know in a
+few pages more.  My father was of the Suffolk Stubbses--a well-to-
+do gentleman of Bungay.  My grandfather had been a respected
+attorney in that town, and left my papa a pretty little fortune.  I
+was thus the inheritor of competence, and ought to be at this
+moment a gentleman.
+
+My misfortunes may be said to have commenced about a year before my
+birth, when my papa, a young fellow pretending to study the law in
+London, fell madly in love with Miss Smith, the daughter of a
+tradesman, who did not give her a sixpence, and afterwards became
+bankrupt.  My papa married this Miss Smith, and carried her off to
+the country, where I was born, in an evil hour for me.
+
+Were I to attempt to describe my early years, you would laugh at me
+as an impostor; but the following letter from mamma to a friend,
+after her marriage, will pretty well show you what a poor foolish
+creature she was; and what a reckless extravagant fellow was my
+other unfortunate parent:--
+
+
+"TO MISS ElIZA KICKS, IN GRACECHURCH STREET, LONDON.
+
+"OH, ELIZA! your Susan is the happiest girl under heaven!  My
+Thomas is an angel! not a tall grenadier-like looking fellow, such
+as I always vowed I would marry:--on the contrary, he is what the
+world would call dumpy, and I hesitate not to confess, that his
+eyes have a cast in them.  But what then? when one of his eyes is
+fixed on me, and one on my babe, they are lighted up with an
+affection which my pen cannot describe, and which, certainly, was
+never bestowed upon any woman so strongly as upon your happy Susan
+Stubbs.
+
+"When he comes home from shooting, or the farm, if you COULD see
+dear Thomas with me and our dear little Bob! as I sit on one knee,
+and baby on the other, and as he dances us both about.  I often
+wish that we had Sir Joshua, or some great painter, to depict the
+group; for sure it is the prettiest picture in the whole world, to
+see three such loving merry people.
+
+"Dear baby is the most lovely little creature that CAN POSSIBLY
+BE,--the very IMAGE of papa; he is cutting his teeth, and the
+delight of EVERYBODY.  Nurse says that, when he is older he will
+get rid of his squint, and his hair will get a GREAT DEAL less red.
+Doctor Bates is as kind, and skilful, and attentive as we could
+desire.  Think what a blessing to have had him!  Ever since poor
+baby's birth, it has never had a day of quiet; and he has been
+obliged to give it from three to four doses every week;--how
+thankful ought we to be that the DEAR THING is as well as it is!
+It got through the measles wonderfully; then it had a little rash;
+and then a nasty hooping-cough; and then a fever, and continual
+pains in its poor little stomach, crying, poor dear child, from
+morning till night.
+
+"But dear Tom is an excellent nurse; and many and many a night has
+he had no sleep, dear man! in consequence of the poor little baby.
+He walks up and down with it FOR HOURS, singing a kind of song
+(dear fellow, he has no more voice than a tea-kettle), and bobbing
+his head backwards and forwards, and looking, in his nightcap and
+dressing-gown, SO DROLL.  Oh, Eliza! how you would laugh to see
+him.
+
+"We have one of the best nursemaids IN THE WORLD,--an Irishwoman,
+who is as fond of baby almost as his mother (but that can NEVER
+BE).  She takes it to walk in the park for hours together, and I
+really don't know why Thomas dislikes her.  He says she is tipsy,
+very often, and slovenly, which I cannot conceive;--to be sure, the
+nurse is sadly dirty, and sometimes smells very strong of gin.
+
+"But what of that?--these little drawbacks only make home more
+pleasant.  When one thinks how many mothers have NO nursemaids: how
+many poor dear children have no doctors: ought we not to be
+thankful for Mary Malowney, and that Dr. Bates's bill is forty-
+seven pounds?  How ill must dear baby have been, to require so much
+physic!
+
+"But they are a sad expense, these dear babies, after all.  Fancy,
+Eliza, how much this Mary Malowney costs us.  Ten shillings every
+week; a glass of brandy or gin at dinner; three pint-bottles of Mr.
+Thrale's best porter every day,--making twenty-one in a week, and
+nine hundred and ninety in the eleven months she has been with us.
+Then, for baby, there is Dr. Bates's bill of forty-five guineas,
+two guineas for christening, twenty for a grand christening supper
+and ball (rich uncle John mortally offended because he was made
+godfather, and had to give baby a silver cup: he has struck Thomas
+out of his will: and old Mr. Firkin quite as much hurt because he
+was NOT asked: he will not speak to me or Thomas in consequence)
+twenty guineas for flannels, laces, little gowns, caps, napkins,
+and such baby's ware: and all this out of 300L. a year!  But Thomas
+expects to make A GREAT DEAL by his farm.
+
+"We have got the most charming country-house YOU CAN IMAGINE: it is
+QUITE SHUT IN by trees, and so retired that, though only thirty
+miles from London, the post comes to us but once a week.  The
+roads, it must be confessed, are execrable; it is winter now, and
+we are up to our knees in mud and snow.  But oh, Eliza! how happy
+we are: with Thomas (he has had a sad attack of rheumatism, dear
+man!) and little Bobby, and our kind friend Dr. Bates, who comes so
+far to see us, I leave you to fancy that we have a charming merry
+party, and do not care for all the gayeties of Ranelagh.
+
+"Adieu! dear baby is crying for his mamma.  A thousand kisses from
+your affectionate
+
+"SUSAN STUBBS."
+
+
+There it is!  Doctor's bills, gentleman-farming, twenty-one pints
+of porter a week.  In this way my unnatural parents were already
+robbing me of my property.
+
+
+FEBRUARY.--CUTTING WEATHER.
+
+
+I have called this chapter "cutting weather," partly in compliment
+to the month of February, and partly in respect of my own
+misfortunes, which you are going to read about.  For I have often
+thought that January (which is mostly twelfth-cake and holiday
+time) is like the first four or five years of a little boy's life;
+then comes dismal February, and the working-days with it, when
+chaps begin to look out for themselves, after the Christmas and the
+New Year's heyday and merrymaking are over, which our infancy may
+well be said to be.  Well can I recollect that bitter first of
+February, when I first launched out into the world and appeared at
+Doctor Swishtail's academy.
+
+I began at school that life of prudence and economy which I have
+carried on ever since.  My mother gave me eighteenpence on setting
+out (poor soul! I thought her heart would break as she kissed me,
+and bade God bless me); and, besides, I had a small capital of my
+own which I had amassed for a year previous.  I'll tell you, what I
+used to do.  Wherever I saw six halfpence I took one.  If it was
+asked for I said I had taken it and gave it back;--if it was not
+missed, I said nothing about it, as why should I?--those who don't
+miss their money, don't lose their money.  So I had a little
+private fortune of three shillings, besides mother's eighteenpence.
+At school they called me the copper-merchant, I had such lots of
+it.
+
+Now, even at a preparatory school, a well-regulated boy may better
+himself: and I can tell you I did.  I never was in any quarrels: I
+never was very high in the class or very low: but there was no chap
+so much respected:--and why?  I'D ALWAYS MONEY.  The other boys
+spent all theirs in the first day or two, and they gave me plenty
+of cakes and barley-sugar then, I can tell you.  I'd no need to
+spend my own money, for they would insist upon treating me.  Well,
+in a week, when theirs was gone, and they had but their threepence
+a week to look to for the rest of the half-year, what did I do?
+Why, I am proud to say that three-halfpence out of the threepence a
+week of almost all the young gentlemen at Dr. Swishtail's, came
+into my pocket.  Suppose, for instance, Tom Hicks wanted a slice of
+gingerbread, who had the money?  Little Bob Stubbs, to be sure.
+"Hicks," I used to say, "I'LL buy you three halfp'orth of
+gingerbread, if you'll give me threepence next Saturday."  And he
+agreed; and next Saturday came, and he very often could not pay me
+more than three-halfpence.  Then there was the threepence I was to
+have THE NEXT Saturday.  I'll tell you what I did for a whole half-
+year:--I lent a chap, by the name of Dick Bunting, three-halfpence
+the first Saturday for three-pence the next: he could not pay me
+more than half when Saturday came, and I'm blest if I did not make
+him pay me three-halfpence FOR THREE-AND-TWENTY WEEKS RUNNING,
+making two shillings and tenpence-halfpenny.  But he was a sad
+dishonorable fellow, Dick Bunting; for after I'd been so kind to
+him, and let him off for three-and-twenty-weeks the money he owed
+me, holidays came, and threepence he owed me still.  Well,
+according to the common principles of practice, after six-weeks'
+holidays, he ought to have paid me exactly sixteen shillings, which
+was my due.  For the
+
+
+ First week the 3d. would be 6d. | Fourth week .  .  .  .  .  4s.
+ Second week  .  .  .  .  .  1s. | Fifth week  .  .  .  .  .  8s.
+ Third week   .  .  .  .  .  2s. | Sixth week  .  .  .  .  . 16s.
+
+
+Nothing could be more just; and yet--will it be believed? when
+Bunting came back he offered me THREE-HALFPENCE! the mean,
+dishonest scoundrel.
+
+However, I was even with him, I can tell you.--He spent all his
+money in a fortnight, and THEN I screwed him down!  I made him,
+besides giving me a penny for a penny, pay me a quarter of his
+bread and butter at breakfast and a quarter of his cheese at
+supper; and before the half-year was out, I got from him a silver
+fruit-knife, a box of compasses, and a very pretty silver-laced
+waistcoat, in which I went home as proud as a king: and, what's
+more, I had no less than three golden guineas in the pocket of it,
+besides fifteen shillings, the knife, and a brass bottle-screw,
+which I got from another chap.  It wasn't bad interest for twelve
+shillings--which was all the money I'd had in the year--was it?
+Heigho!  I've often wished that I could get such a chance again in
+this wicked world; but men are more avaricious now than they used
+to be in those dear early days.
+
+Well, I went home in my new waistcoat as fine as a peacock; and
+when I gave the bottle-screw to my father, begging him to take it
+as a token of my affection for him, my dear mother burst into such
+a fit of tears as I never saw, and kissed and hugged me fit to
+smother me.  "Bless him, bless him," says she, "to think of his old
+father.  And where did you purchase it, Bob?"--"Why, mother," says
+I, "I purchased it out of my savings" (which was as true as the
+gospel).--When I said this, mother looked round to father, smiling,
+although she had tears in her eyes, and she took his hand, and with
+her other hand drew me to her.  "Is he not a noble boy?" says she
+to my father: "and only nine years old!"--"Faith," says my father,
+"he IS a good lad, Susan.  Thank thee, my boy: and here is a crown-
+piece in return for thy bottle-screw--it shall open us a bottle of
+the very best too," says my father.  And he kept his word.  I
+always was fond of good wine (though never, from a motive of proper
+self-denial, having any in my cellar); and, by Jupiter! on this
+night I had my little skinful,--for there was no stinting,--so
+pleased were my dear parents with the bottle-screw.  The best of it
+was, it only cost me threepence originally, which a chap could not
+pay me.
+
+Seeing this game was such a good one, I became very generous
+towards my parents; and a capital way it is to encourage liberality
+in children.  I gave mamma a very neat brass thimble, and she gave
+me a half-guinea piece.  Then I gave her a very pretty needle-book,
+which I made myself with an ace of spades from a new pack of cards
+we had, and I got Sally, our maid, to cover it with a bit of pink
+satin her mistress had given her; and I made the leaves of the
+book, which I vandyked very nicely, out of a piece of flannel I had
+had round my neck for a sore throat.  It smelt a little of
+hartshorn, but it was a beautiful needle-book; and mamma was so
+delighted with it, that she went into town and bought me a gold-
+laced hat.  Then I bought papa a pretty china tobacco-stopper: but
+I am sorry to say of my dear father that he was not so generous as
+my mamma or myself, for he only burst out laughing, and did not
+give me so much as a half-crown piece, which was the least I
+expected from him.  "I shan't give you anything, Bob, this time,"
+says he; "and I wish, my boy, you would not make any more such
+presents,--for, really, they are too expensive."  Expensive indeed!
+I hate meanness,--even in a father.
+
+I must tell you about the silver-edged waistcoat which Bunting gave
+me.  Mamma asked me about it, and I told her the truth,--that it
+was a present from one of the boys for my kindness to him.  Well,
+what does she do but writes back to Dr. Swishtail, when I went to
+school, thanking him for his attention to her dear son, and sending
+a shilling to the good and grateful little boy who had given me the
+waistcoat!
+
+"What waistcoat is it," says the Doctor to me, "and who gave it to
+you?"
+
+"Bunting gave it me, sir," says I.
+
+"Call Bunting!" and up the little ungrateful chap came.  Would you
+believe it, he burst into tears,--told that the waistcoat had been
+given him by his mother, and that he had been forced to give it
+for a debt to Copper-Merchant, as the nasty little blackguard
+called me?  He then said how, for three-halfpence, he had been
+compelled to pay me three shillings (the sneak! as if he had been
+OBLIGED to borrow the three-halfpence!)--how all the other boys
+had been swindled (swindled!) by me in like manner,--and how,
+with only twelve shillings, I had managed to scrape together four
+guineas. . . . .
+
+My courage almost fails me as I describe the shameful scene that
+followed.  The boys were called in, my own little account-book was
+dragged out of my cupboard, to prove how much I had received from
+each, and every farthing of my money was paid back to them.  The
+tyrant took the thirty shillings that my dear parents had given me,
+and said he should put them into the poor-box at church; and, after
+having made a long discourse to the boys about meanness and usury,
+he said, "Take off your coat, Mr. Stubbs, and restore Bunting his
+waistcoat."  I did, and stood without coat and waistcoat in the
+midst of the nasty grinning boys.  I was going to put on my coat,--
+
+"Stop!" says he.  "TAKE DOWN HIS BREECHES!"
+
+Ruthless, brutal villain!  Sam Hopkins, the biggest boy, took them
+down--horsed me--and I WAS FLOGGED, SIR: yes, flogged!  O revenge!
+I, Robert Stubbs, who had done nothing but what was right, was
+brutally flogged at ten years of age!--Though February was the
+shortest month, I remembered it long.
+
+
+MARCH.--SHOWERY.
+
+
+When my mamma heard of the treatment of her darling she was for
+bringing an action against the schoolmaster, or else for tearing
+his eyes out (when, dear soul! she would not have torn the eyes out
+of a flea, had it been her own injury), and, at the very least, for
+having me removed from the school where I had been so shamefully
+treated.  But papa was stern for once, and vowed that I had been
+served quite right, declared that I should not be removed from
+school, and sent old Swishtail a brace of pheasants for what he
+called his kindness to me.  Of these the old gentleman invited me
+to partake, and made a very queer speech at dinner, as he was
+cutting them up, about the excellence of my parents, and his own
+determination to be KINDER STILL to me, if ever I ventured on such
+practices again.  So I was obliged to give up my old trade of
+lending: for the Doctor declared that any boy who borrowed should
+be flogged, and any one who PAID should be flogged twice as much.
+There was no standing against such a prohibition as this, and my
+little commerce was ruined.
+
+I was not very high in the school: not having been able to get
+farther than that dreadful Propria quae maribus in the Latin
+grammar, of which, though I have it by heart even now, I never
+could understand a syllable: but, on account of my size, my age,
+and the prayers of my mother, was allowed to have the privilege of
+the bigger boys, and on holidays to walk about in the town.  Great
+dandies we were, too, when we thus went out.  I recollect my
+costume very well: a thunder-and-lightning coat, a white waistcoat
+embroidered neatly at the pockets, a lace frill, a pair of knee-
+breeches, and elegant white cotton or silk stockings.  This did
+very well, but still I was dissatisfied: I wanted A PAIR OF BOOTS.
+Three boys in the school had boots--I was mad to have them too.
+
+But my papa, when I wrote to him, would not hear of it; and three
+pounds, the price of a pair, was too large a sum for my mother to
+take from the housekeeping, or for me to pay, in the present
+impoverished state of my exchequer; but the desire for the boots
+was so strong, that have them I must at any rate.
+
+There was a German bootmaker who had just set up in OUR town in
+those days, who afterwards made his fortune in London.  I
+determined to have the boots from him, and did not despair, before
+the end of a year or two, either to leave the school, when I should
+not mind his dunning me, or to screw the money from mamma, and so
+pay him.
+
+So I called upon this man--Stiffelkind was his name--and he took my
+measure for a pair.
+
+"You are a vary yong gentleman to wear dop-boots," said the
+shoemaker.
+
+"I suppose, fellow," says I, "that is my business and not yours.
+Either make the boots or not--but when you speak to a man of my
+rank, speak respectfully!"  And I poured out a number of oaths, in
+order to impress him with a notion of my respectability.
+
+They had the desired effect.  "Stay, sir," says he.  "I have a nice
+littel pair of dop-boots dat I tink will jost do for you."  And he
+produced, sure enough, the most elegant things I ever saw.  "Day
+were made," said he, "for de Honorable Mr. Stiffney, of de Gards,
+but were too small."
+
+"Ah, indeed!" said I.  "Stiffney is a relation of mine.  And what,
+you scoundrel, will you have the impudence to ask for these
+things?"  He replied, "Three pounds."
+
+"Well," said I, "they are confoundedly dear; but, as you will have
+a long time to wait for your money, why, I shall have my revenge
+you see.  The man looked alarmed, and began a speech: "Sare,--I
+cannot let dem go vidout"--but a bright thought struck me, and I
+interrupted--"Sir! don't sir me.  Take off the boots, fellow, and,
+hark ye, when you speak to a nobleman, don't say--Sir."
+
+"A hundert tousand pardons, my lort," says he: "if I had known you
+were a lort, I vood never have called you--Sir.  Vat name shall I
+put down in my books?"
+
+"Name?--oh! why, Lord Cornwallis, to be sure," said I, as I walked
+off in the boots.
+
+"And vat shall I do vid my lort's shoes?"
+
+"Keep them until I send for them," said I.  And, giving him a
+patronizing bow, I walked out of the shop, as the German tied up my
+shoes in paper.
+
+        .        .        .        .        .        .
+
+This story I would not have told, but that my whole life turned
+upon these accursed boots.  I walked back to school as proud as a
+peacock, and easily succeeded in satisfying the boys as to the
+manner in which I came by my new ornaments.
+
+Well, one fatal Monday morning--the blackest of all black-Mondays
+that ever I knew--as we were all of us playing between school-
+hours, I saw a posse of boys round a stranger, who seemed to be
+looking out for one of us.  A sudden trembling seized me--I knew it
+was Stiffelkind.  What had brought him here?  He talked loud, and
+seemed angry.  So I rushed into the school-room, and burying my
+head between my hands, began reading for dear life.
+
+"I vant Lort Cornvallis," said the horrid bootmaker.  "His lortship
+belongs, I know, to dis honorable school, for I saw him vid de boys
+at chorch yesterday."
+
+"Lord who?"
+
+"Vy, Lort Cornvallis to be sure--a very fat yong nobeman, vid red
+hair: he squints a little, and svears dreadfully."
+
+"There's no Lord Cornvallis here," said one; and there was a pause.
+
+"Stop! I have it," says that odious Bunting.  "IT MUST BE STUBBS!"
+And "Stubbs! Stubbs!" every one cried out, while I was so busy at
+my book as not to hear a word.
+
+At last, two of the biggest chaps rushed into the schoolroom, and
+seizing each an arm, run me into the playground--bolt up against
+the shoemaker.
+
+"Dis is my man.  I beg your lortship's pardon," says he, "I have
+brought your lortship's shoes, vich you left.  See, dey have been
+in dis parcel ever since you vent avay in my boots."
+
+"Shoes, fellow!" says I.  "I never saw your face before!"  For I
+knew there was nothing for it but brazening it out.  "Upon the
+honor of a gentleman!" said I, turning round to the boys.  They
+hesitated; and if the trick had turned in my favor, fifty of them
+would have seized hold of Stiffelkind and drubbed him soundly.
+
+"Stop!" says Bunting (hang him!)  "Let's see the shoes.  If they
+fit him, why then the cobbler's right."  They did fit me; and not
+only that, but the name of STUBBS was written in them at full
+length.
+
+"Vat!" said Stiffelkind.  "Is he not a lort?  So help me Himmel, I
+never did vonce tink of looking at de shoes, which have been lying
+ever since in dis piece of brown paper."  And then, gathering anger
+as he went on, he thundered out so much of his abuse of me, in his
+German-English, that the boys roared with laughter.  Swishtail came
+in in the midst of the disturbance, and asked what the noise meant.
+
+"It's only Lord Cornwallis, sir," said the boys, "battling with his
+shoemaker about the price of a pair of top-boots."
+
+"Oh, sir," said I, "it was only in fun that I called myself Lord
+Cornwallis."
+
+"In fun!--Where are the boots?  And you, sir, give me your bill."
+My beautiful boots were brought; and Stiffelkind produced his bill.
+"Lord Cornwallis to Samuel Stiffelkind, for a pair of boots--four
+guineas."
+
+"You have been fool enough, sir," says the Doctor, looking very
+stern, "to let this boy impose on you as a lord; and knave enough
+to charge him double the value of the article you sold him.  Take
+back the boots, sir!  I won't pay a penny of your bill; nor can you
+get a penny.  As for you, sir, you miserable swindler and cheat, I
+shall not flog you as I did before, but I shall send you home: you
+are not fit to be the companion of honest boys."
+
+"SUPPOSE WE DUCK HIM before he goes?" piped out a very small voice.
+The Doctor grinned significantly, and left the school-room; and the
+boys knew by this they might have their will.  They seized me and
+carried me to the playground pump: they pumped upon me until I was
+half dead; and the monster, Stiffelkind, stood looking on for the
+half-hour the operation lasted.
+
+I suppose the Doctor, at last, thought I had had pumping enough,
+for he rang the school-bell, and the boys were obliged to leave me.
+As I got out of the trough, Stiffelkind was alone with me.  "Vell,
+my lort," says he, "you have paid SOMETHING for dese boots, but not
+all.  By Jubider, YOU SHALL NEVER HEAR DE END OF DEM."  And I
+didn't.
+
+
+APRIL.--FOOLING.
+
+
+After this, as you may fancy, I left this disgusting establishment,
+and lived for some time along with pa and mamma at home.  My
+education was finished, at least mamma and I agreed that it was;
+and from boyhood until hobbadyhoyhood (which I take to be about the
+sixteenth year of the life of a young man, and may be likened to
+the month of April when spring begins to bloom)--from fourteen
+until seventeen, I say, I remained at home, doing nothing--for
+which I have ever since had a great taste--the idol of my mamma,
+who took part in all my quarrels with father, and used regularly to
+rob the weekly expenses in order to find me in pocket-money.  Poor
+soul! many and many is the guinea I have had from her in that way;
+and so she enabled me to cut a very pretty figure.
+
+Papa was for having me at this time articled to a merchant, or put
+to some profession; but mamma and I agreed that I was born to be a
+gentleman and not a tradesman, and the army was the only place for
+me.  Everybody was a soldier in those times, for the French war had
+just begun, and the whole country was swarming with militia
+regiments.  "We'll get him a commission in a marching regiment,"
+said my father.  "As we have no money to purchase him up, he'll
+FIGHT his way, I make no doubt."  And papa looked at me with a kind
+of air of contempt, as much as to say he doubted whether I should
+be very eager for such a dangerous way of bettering myself.
+
+I wish you could have heard mamma's screech when he talked so
+coolly of my going out to fight!  "What! send him abroad, across
+the horrid, horrid sea--to be wrecked and perhaps drowned, and only
+to land for the purpose of fighting the wicked Frenchmen,--to be
+wounded, and perhaps kick--kick--killed!  Oh, Thomas, Thomas! would
+you murder me and your boy?"  There was a regular scene.  However,
+it ended--as it always did--in mother's getting the better, and it
+was settled that I should go into the militia.  And why not?  The
+uniform is just as handsome, and the danger not half so great.  I
+don't think in the course of my whole military experience I ever
+fought anything, except an old woman, who had the impudence to
+hallo out, "Heads up, lobster!"--Well, I joined the North Bungays,
+and was fairly launched into the world.
+
+I was not a handsome man, I know; but there was SOMETHING about me--
+that's very evident--for the girls always laughed when they talked
+to me, and the men, though they affected to call me a poor little
+creature, squint-eyes, knock-knees, redhead, and so on, were
+evidently annoyed by my success, for they hated me so confoundedly.
+Even at the present time they go on, though I have given up
+gallivanting, as I call it.  But in the April of my existence,--
+that is, in anno Domini 1791, or so--it was a different case; and
+having nothing else to do, and being bent upon bettering my
+condition, I did some very pretty things in that way.  But I was
+not hot-headed and imprudent, like most young fellows.  Don't fancy
+I looked for beauty!  Pish!--I wasn't such a fool.  Nor for temper;
+I don't care about a bad temper: I could break any woman's heart in
+two years.  What I wanted was to get on in the world.  Of course I
+didn't PREFER an ugly woman, or a shrew; and when the choice
+offered, would certainly put up with a handsome, good-humored girl,
+with plenty of money, as any honest man would.
+
+Now there were two tolerably rich girls in our parts: Miss Magdalen
+Crutty, with twelve thousand pounds (and, to do her justice, as
+plain a girl as ever I saw), and Miss Mary Waters, a fine, tall,
+plump, smiling, peach-cheeked, golden-haired, white-skinned lass,
+with only ten.  Mary Waters lived with her uncle, the Doctor, who
+had helped me into the world, and who was trusted with this little
+orphan charge very soon after.  My mother, as you have heard, was
+so fond of Bates, and Bates so fond of little Mary, that both, at
+first, were almost always in our house; and I used to call her my
+little wife as soon as I could speak, and before she could walk
+almost.  It was beautiful to see us, the neighbors said.
+
+Well, when her brother, the lieutenant of an India ship, came to be
+captain, and actually gave Mary five thousand pounds, when she was
+about ten years old, and promised her five thousand more, there was
+a great talking, and bobbing, and smiling between the Doctor and my
+parents, and Mary and I were left together more than ever, and she
+was told to call me her little husband.  And she did; and it was
+considered a settled thing from that day.  She was really amazingly
+fond of me.
+
+Can any one call me mercenary after that?  Though Miss Crutty had
+twelve thousand, and Mary only ten (five in hand, and five in the
+bush), I stuck faithfully to Mary.  As a matter of course, Miss
+Crutty hated Miss Waters.  The fact was, Mary had all the country
+dangling after her, and not a soul would come to Magdalen, for all
+her 12,000L.  I used to be attentive to her though (as it's always
+useful to be); and Mary would sometimes laugh and sometimes cry at
+my flirting with Magdalen.  This I thought proper very quickly to
+check.  "Mary," said I, "you know that my love for you is
+disinterested,--for I am faithful to you, though Miss Crutty is
+richer than you.  Don't fly into a rage, then, because I pay her
+attentions, when you know that my heart and my promise are engaged
+to you."
+
+The fact is, to tell a little bit of a secret, there is nothing
+like the having two strings to your bow.  "Who knows?" thought I.
+"Mary may die; and then where are my 10,000L.?"  So I used to be
+very kind indeed to Miss Crutty; and well it was that I was so: for
+when I was twenty and Mary eighteen, I'm blest if news did not
+arrive that Captain Waters, who was coming home to England with all
+his money in rupees, had been taken--ship, rupees, self and all--by
+a French privateer; and Mary, instead of 10,000L. had only 5,000L.,
+making a difference of no less than 350L. per annum betwixt her and
+Miss Crutty.
+
+I had just joined my regiment (the famous North Bungay Fencibles,
+Colonel Craw commanding) when this news reached me; and you may
+fancy how a young man, in an expensive regiment and mess, having
+uniforms and what not to pay for, and a figure to cut in the world,
+felt at hearing such news!  "My dearest Robert," wrote Miss Waters,
+"will deplore my dear brother's loss: but not, I am sure, the money
+which that kind and generous soul had promised me.  I have still
+five thousand pounds, and with this and your own little fortune (I
+had 1,000L. in the Five per Cents!) we shall be as happy and
+contented as possible."
+
+Happy and contented indeed!  Didn't I know how my father got on
+with his 300L. a year, and how it was all he could do out of it to
+add a hundred a year to my narrow income, and live himself!  My
+mind was made up.  I instantly mounted the coach and flew to our
+village,--to Mr. Crutty's, of course.  It was next door to Doctor
+Bates's; but I had no business THERE.
+
+I found Magdalen in the garden.  "Heavens, Mr. Stubbs!" said she,
+as in my new uniform I appeared before her, "I really did never--
+such a handsome officer--expect to see you."  And she made as if
+she would blush, and began to tremble violently.  I led her to a
+garden-seat.  I seized her hand--it was not withdrawn.  I pressed
+it;--I thought the pressure was returned.  I flung myself on my
+knees, and then I poured into her ear a little speech which I had
+made on the top of the coach.  "Divine Miss Crutty," said I; "idol
+of my soul!  It was but to catch one glimpse of you that I passed
+through this garden.  I never intended to breathe the secret
+passion" (oh, no; of course not) "which was wearing my life away.
+You know my unfortunate pre-engagement--it is broken, and FOR EVER!
+I am free;--free, but to be your slave,--your humblest, fondest,
+truest slave!"  And so on. . . . .
+
+"Oh, Mr. Stubbs," said she, as I imprinted a kiss upon her cheek,
+"I can't refuse you; but I fear you are a sad naughty man. . . . ."
+
+Absorbed in the delicious reverie which was caused by the dear
+creature's confusion, we were both silent for a while, and should
+have remained so for hours perhaps, so lost were we in happiness,
+had I not been suddenly roused by a voice exclaiming from behind
+us--
+
+"DON'T CRY, MARY!  HE IS A SWINDLING, SNEAKING SCOUNDREL, AND YOU
+ARE WELL RID OF HIM!"
+
+I turned round.  O heaven, there stood Mary, weeping on Doctor
+Bates's arm, while that miserable apothecary was looking at me with
+the utmost scorn.  The gardener, who had let me in, had told them
+of my arrival, and now stood grinning behind them.  "Imperence!"
+was my Magdalen's only exclamation, as she flounced by with the
+utmost self-possession, while I, glancing daggers at the SPIES,
+followed her.  We retired to the parlor, where she repeated to me
+the strongest assurances of her love.
+
+I thought I was a made man.  Alas! I was only an APRIL FOOL!
+
+
+MAY.--RESTORATION DAY.
+
+
+As the month of May is considered, by poets and other philosophers,
+to be devoted by Nature to the great purpose of love-making, I may
+as well take advantage of that season and acquaint you with the
+result of MY amours.
+
+Young, gay, fascinating, and an ensign--I had completely won the
+heart of my Magdalen; and as for Miss Waters and her nasty uncle
+the Doctor, there was a complete split between us, as you may
+fancy; Miss pretending, forsooth, that she was glad I had broken
+off the match, though she would have given her eyes, the little
+minx, to have had it on again.  But this was out of the question.
+My father, who had all sorts of queer notions, said I had acted
+like a rascal in the business; my mother took my part, in course,
+and declared I acted rightly, as I always did: and I got leave of
+absence from the regiment in order to press my beloved Magdalen to
+marry me out of hand--knowing, from reading and experience, the
+extraordinary mutability of human affairs.
+
+Besides, as the dear girl was seventeen years older than myself,
+and as bad in health as she was in temper, how was I to know that
+the grim king of terrors might not carry her off before she became
+mine?  With the tenderest warmth, then, and most delicate ardor, I
+continued to press my suit.  The happy day was fixed--the ever
+memorable 10th of May, 1792.  The wedding-clothes were ordered;
+and, to make things secure, I penned a little paragraph for the
+county paper to this effect:--"Marriage in High Life.  We
+understand that Ensign Stubbs, of the North Bungay Fencibles, and
+son of Thomas Stubbs, of Sloffemsquiggle, Esquire, is about to lead
+to the hymeneal altar the lovely and accomplished daughter of
+Solomon Crutty, Esquire, of the same place.  A fortune of twenty
+thousand pounds is, we hear, the lady's portion.  'None but the
+brave deserve the fair.'"
+
+        .        .        .        .        .        .
+
+"Have you informed your relatives, my beloved?" said I to Magdalen,
+one day after sending the above notice; "will any of them attend at
+your marriage?"
+
+"Uncle Sam will, I dare say," said Miss Crutty, "dear mamma's
+brother."
+
+"And who WAS your dear mamma?" said I: for Miss Crutty's respected
+parent had been long since dead, and I never heard her name
+mentioned in the family.
+
+Magdalen blushed, and cast down her eyes to the ground.  "Mamma was
+a foreigner," at last she said.
+
+"And of what country?"
+
+"A German.  Papa married her when she was very young:--she was not
+of a very good family," said Miss Crutty, hesitating.
+
+"And what care I for family, my love!" said I, tenderly kissing the
+knuckles of the hand which I held.  "She must have been an angel
+who gave birth to you."
+
+"She was a shoemaker's daughter."
+
+"A GERMAN SHOEMAKER!  Hang 'em," thought I, "I have had enough of
+them;" and so broke up this conversation, which did not somehow
+please me.
+
+        .        .        .        .        .        .
+
+Well, the day was drawing near: the clothes were ordered; the banns
+were read.  My dear mamma had built a cake about the size of a
+washing-tub; and I was only waiting for a week to pass to put me in
+possession of twelve thousand pounds in the FIVE per Cents, as they
+were in those days, heaven bless 'em!  Little did I know the storm
+that was brewing, and the disappointment which was to fall upon a
+young man who really did his best to get a fortune.
+
+        .        .        .        .        .        .
+
+"Oh, Robert," said my Magdalen to me, two days before the match was
+to come off, "I have SUCH a kind letter from uncle Sam in London.
+I wrote to him as you wished.  He says that he is coming down to-
+morrow, that he has heard of you often, and knows your character
+very well; and that he has got a VERY HANDSOME PRESENT for us!
+What can it be, I wonder?"
+
+"Is he rich, my soul's adored?" says I.
+
+"He is a bachelor, with a fine trade, and nobody to leave his money
+to."
+
+"His present can't be less than a thousand pounds?" says I.
+
+"Or, perhaps, a silver tea-set, and some corner-dishes," says she.
+
+But we could not agree to this: it was too little--too mean for a
+man of her uncle's wealth; and we both determined it must be the
+thousand pounds.
+
+"Dear good uncle! he's to be here by the coach," says Magdalen.
+"Let us ask a little party to meet him."  And so we did, and so
+they came: my father and mother, old Crutty in his best wig, and
+the parson who was to marry us the next day.  The coach was to come
+in at six.  And there was the tea-table, and there was the punch-
+bowl, and everybody ready and smiling to receive our dear uncle
+from London.
+
+Six o'clock came, and the coach, and the man from the "Green
+Dragon" with a portmanteau, and a fat old gentleman walking behind,
+of whom I just caught a glimpse--a venerable old gentleman: I
+thought I'd seen him before.
+
+        .        .        .        .        .        .
+
+Then there was a ring at the bell; then a scuffling and bumping in
+the passage: then old Crutty rushed out, and a great laughing and
+talking, and "HOW ARE YOU?" and so on, was heard at the door; and
+then the parlor-door was flung open, and Crutty cried out with a
+loud voice--
+
+"Good people all! my brother-in-law, Mr. STIFFELKIND!"
+
+MR. STIFFELKIND!--I trembled as I heard the name!
+
+Miss Crutty kissed him; mamma made him a curtsy, and papa made him
+a bow; and Dr. Snorter, the parson, seized his hand and shook it
+most warmly: then came my turn!
+
+"Vat!" says he.  "It is my dear goot yong frend from Doctor
+Schvis'hentail's! is dis de yong gentleman's honorable moder"
+(mamma smiled and made a curtsy), "and dis his fader?  Sare and
+madam, you should be broud of soch a sonn.  And you my niece, if
+you have him for a husband you vill be locky, dat is all.  Vat dink
+you, broder Croty, and Madame Stobbs, I 'ave made your sonn's
+boots!  Ha--ha!"
+
+My mamma laughed, and said, "I did not know it, but I am sure, sir,
+he has as pretty a leg for a boot as any in the whole county."
+
+Old Stiffelkind roared louder.  "A very nice leg, ma'am, and a very
+SHEAP BOOT TOO.  Vat! did you not know I make his boots?  Perhaps
+you did not know something else too--p'raps you did not know" (and
+here the monster clapped his hand on the table and made the punch-
+ladle tremble in the bowl)--"p'raps you did not know as dat yong
+man, dat Stobbs, dat sneaking, baltry, squinting fellow, is as
+vicked as he is ogly.  He bot a pair of boots from me and never
+paid for dem.  Dat is noting, nobody never pays; but he bought a
+pair of boots, and called himself Lord Cornvallis.  And I was fool
+enough to believe him vonce.  But look you, niece Magdalen, I 'ave
+got five tousand pounds: if you marry him I vill not give you a
+benny.  But look you what I will gif you: I bromised you a bresent,
+and I will give you DESE!"
+
+And the old monster produced THOSE VERY BOOTS which Swishtail had
+made him take back.
+
+        .        .        .        .        .        .
+
+I DIDN'T marry Miss Crutty: I am not sorry for it though.  She was
+a nasty, ugly, ill-tempered wretch, and I've always said so ever
+since.
+
+And all this arose from those infernal boots, and that unlucky
+paragraph in the county paper--I'll tell you how.
+
+In the first place, it was taken up as a quiz by one of the wicked,
+profligate, unprincipled organs of the London press, who chose to
+be very facetious about the "Marriage in High Life," and made all
+sorts of jokes about me and my dear Miss Crutty.
+
+Secondly, it was read in this London paper by my mortal enemy,
+Bunting, who had been introduced to old Stiffelkind's acquaintance
+by my adventure with him, and had his shoes made regularly by that
+foreign upstart.
+
+Thirdly, he happened to want a pair of shoes mended at this
+particular period, and as he was measured by the disgusting old
+High-Dutch cobbler, he told him his old friend Stubbs was going to
+be married.
+
+"And to whom?" said old Stiffelkind.  "To a voman wit geld, I vill
+take my oath."
+
+"Yes," says Bunting, "a country girl--a Miss Magdalen Carotty or
+Crotty, at a place called Sloffemsquiggle."
+
+"SHLOFFEMSCHWIEGEL!" bursts out the dreadful bootmaker.  "Mein
+Gott, mein Gott! das geht nicht!  I tell you, sare, it is no go.
+Miss Crotty is my niece.  I vill go down myself.  I vill never let
+her marry dat goot-for-nothing schwindler and tief."  SUCH was the
+language that the scoundrel ventured to use regarding me!
+
+
+JUNE.--MARROWBONES AND CLEAVERS.
+
+
+Was there ever such confounded ill-luck?  My whole life has been a
+tissue of ill-luck: although I have labored perhaps harder than any
+man to make a fortune, something always tumbled it down.  In love
+and in war I was not like others.  In my marriages, I had an eye to
+the main chance; and you see how some unlucky blow would come and
+throw them over.  In the army I was just as prudent, and just as
+unfortunate.  What with judicious betting, and horse-swapping,
+good-luck at billiards, and economy, I do believe I put by my pay
+every year,--and that is what few can say who have but an allowance
+of a hundred a year.
+
+I'll tell you how it was.  I used to be very kind to the young men;
+I chose their horses for them, and their wine: and showed them how
+to play billiards, or ecarte, of long mornings, when there was
+nothing better to do.  I didn't cheat: I'd rather die than cheat;--
+but if fellows WILL play, I wasn't the man to say no--why should I?
+There was one young chap in our regiment of whom I really think I
+cleared 300L. a year.
+
+His name was Dobble.  He was a tailor's son, and wanted to be a
+gentleman.  A poor weak young creature; easy to be made tipsy; easy
+to be cheated; and easy to be frightened.  It was a blessing for
+him that I found him; for if anybody else had, they would have
+plucked him of every shilling.
+
+Ensign Dobble and I were sworn friends.  I rode his horses for him,
+and chose his champagne, and did everything, in fact, that a
+superior mind does for an inferior,--when the inferior has got the
+money.  We were inseparables,--hunting everywhere in couples.  We
+even managed to fall in love with two sisters, as young soldiers
+will do, you know; for the dogs fall in love, with every change of
+quarters.
+
+Well, once, in the year 1793 (it was just when the French had
+chopped poor Louis's head off), Dobble and I, gay young chaps as
+ever wore sword by side, had cast our eyes upon two young ladies by
+the name of Brisket, daughters of a butcher in the town where we
+were quartered.  The dear girls fell in love with us, of course.
+And many a pleasant walk in the country, many a treat to a tea-
+garden, many a smart ribbon and brooch used Dobble and I (for his
+father allowed him 600L., and our purses were in common) present to
+these young ladies.  One day, fancy our pleasure at receiving a
+note couched thus:--
+
+
+"DEER CAPTING STUBBS AND DOBBLE--Miss Briskets presents their
+compliments, and as it is probble that our papa will be till twelve
+at the corprayshun dinner, we request the pleasure of their company
+to tea."
+
+
+Didn't we go!  Punctually at six we were in the little back-parlor;
+we quaffed more Bohea, and made more love, than half a dozen
+ordinary men could.  At nine, a little punch-bowl succeeded to the
+little teapot; and, bless the girls! a nice fresh steak was
+frizzling on the gridiron for our supper.  Butchers were butchers
+then, and their parlor was their kitchen too; at least old
+Brisket's was--one door leading into the shop, and one into the
+yard, on the other side of which was the slaughter-house.
+
+Fancy, then, our horror when, just at this critical time, we heard
+the shop-door open, a heavy staggering step on the flags, and a
+loud husky voice from the shop, shouting, "Hallo, Susan; hallo,
+Betsy! show a light!"  Dobble turned as white as a sheet; the two
+girls each as red as a lobster; I alone preserved my presence of
+mind.  "The back-door," says I--"The dog's in the court," say they.
+"He's not so bad as the man," said I.  "Stop!" cries Susan,
+flinging open the door, and rushing to the fire.  "Take THIS and
+perhaps it will quiet him."
+
+What do you think "THIS" was?  I'm blest if it was not the STEAK!
+
+She pushed us out, patted and hushed the dog, and was in again in a
+minute.  The moon was shining on the court, and on the slaughter-
+house, where there hung the white ghastly-looking carcasses of a
+couple of sheep; a great gutter ran down the court--a gutter of
+BLOOD!  The dog was devouring his beefsteak (OUR beefsteak) in
+silence; and we could see through the little window the girls
+hustling about to pack up the supper-things, and presently the
+shop-door being opened, old Brisket entering, staggering, angry,
+and drunk.  What's more, we could see, perched on a high stool, and
+nodding politely, as if to salute old Brisket, the FEATHER OF
+DOBBLE'S COCKED HAT!  When Dobble saw it, he turned white, and
+deadly sick; and the poor fellow, in an agony of fright, sunk
+shivering down upon one of the butcher's cutting-blocks, which was
+in the yard.
+
+We saw old Brisket look steadily (as steadily as he could) at the
+confounded, impudent, pert, waggling feather; and then an idea
+began to dawn upon his mind, that there was a head to the hat; and
+then he slowly rose up--he was a man of six feet, and fifteen
+stone--he rose up, put on his apron and sleeves, and TOOK DOWN HIS
+CLEAVER.
+
+"Betsy," says he, "open the yard door."  But the poor girls
+screamed, and flung on their knees, and begged, and wept, and did
+their very best to prevent him.  "OPEN THE YARD DOOR!" says he,
+with a thundering loud voice; and the great bull-dog, hearing it,
+started up and uttered a yell which sent me flying to the other end
+of the court.--Dobble couldn't move; he was sitting on the block,
+blubbering like a baby.
+
+The door opened, and out Mr. Brisket came.
+
+"TO HIM, JOWLER!" says he.  "KEEP HIM, JOWLER!"--and the horrid dog
+flew at me, and I flew back into the corner, and drew my sword,
+determining to sell my life dearly.
+
+"That's it," says Brisket.  "Keep him there,--good dog,--good dog!
+And now, sir," says he, turning round to Dobble, "is this your
+hat?"
+
+"Yes," says Dobble, fit to choke with fright.
+
+"Well, then," says Brisket, "it's my--(hic)--my painful duty to--
+(hic)--to tell you, that as I've got your hat, I must have your
+head;--it's painful, but it must be done.  You'd better--(hic)--
+settle yourself com--comfumarably against that--(hic)--that block,
+and I'll chop it off before you can say Jack--(hic)--no, I mean
+Jack Robinson."
+
+Dobble went down on his knees and shrieked out, "I'm an only son,
+Mr. Brisket!  I'll marry her, sir; I will, upon my honor, sir.--
+Consider my mother, sir; consider my mother."
+
+"That's it, sir," says Brisket that's a good--(hic)--a good boy;--
+just put your head down quietly--and I'll have it off--yes, off--as
+if you were Louis the Six--the Sixtix--the Siktickleteenth.--I'll
+chop the other CHAP AFTERWARDS."
+
+When I heard this, I made a sudden bound back, and gave such a cry
+as any man might who was in such a way.  The ferocious Jowler,
+thinking I was going to escape, flew at my throat; screaming
+furious, I flung out my arms in a kind of desperation,--and, to my
+wonder, down fell the dog, dead, and run through the body!
+
+        .        .        .        .        .        .
+
+At this moment a posse of people rushed in upon old Brisket,--one
+of his daughters had had the sense to summon them,--and Dobble's
+head was saved.  And when they saw the dog lying dead at my feet,
+my ghastly look, my bloody sword, they gave me no small credit for
+my bravery.  "A terrible fellow that Stubbs," said they; and so the
+mess said, the next day.
+
+I didn't tell them that the dog had committed SUICIDE--why should
+I?  And I didn't say a word about Dobble's cowardice.  I said he
+was a brave fellow, and fought like a tiger; and this prevented HIM
+from telling tales.  I had the dogskin made into a pair of pistol-
+holsters, and looked so fierce, and got such a name for courage in
+our regiment, that when we had to meet the regulars, Bob Stubbs was
+always the man put forward to support the honor of the corps.  The
+women, you know, adore courage; and such was my reputation at this
+time, that I might have had my pick out of half a dozen, with
+three, four, or five thousand pounds apiece, who were dying for
+love of me and my red coat.  But I wasn't such a fool.  I had been
+twice on the point of marriage, and twice disappointed; and I vowed
+by all the Saints to have a wife, and a rich one.  Depend upon
+this, as an infallible maxim to guide you through life:  IT'S AS
+EASY TO GET A RICH WIFE AS A POOR ONE;--the same bait that will
+hook a fly will hook a salmon.
+
+
+JULY.--SUMMARY PROCEEDINGS.
+
+
+Dobble's reputation for courage was not increased by the butcher's-
+dog adventure; but mine stood very high: little Stubbs was voted
+the boldest chap of all the bold North Bungays.  And though I must
+confess, what was proved by subsequent circumstances, that nature
+has NOT endowed me with a large, or even, I may say, an average
+share of bravery, yet a man is very willing to flatter himself to
+the contrary; and, after a little time, I got to believe that my
+killing the dog was an action of undaunted courage, and that I was
+as gallant as any of the one hundred thousand heroes of our army.
+I always had a military taste--it's only the brutal part of the
+profession, the horrid fighting and blood, that I don't like.
+
+I suppose the regiment was not very brave itself--being only
+militia; but certain it was, that Stubbs was considered a most
+terrible fellow, and I swore so much, and looked so fierce, that
+you would have fancied I had made half a hundred campaigns.  I was
+second in several duels; the umpire in all disputes; and such a
+crack-shot myself, that fellows were shy of insulting me.  As for
+Dobble, I took him under my protection; and he became so attached
+to me, that we ate, drank, and rode together every day; his father
+didn't care for money, so long as his son was in good company--and
+what so good as that of the celebrated Stubbs?  Heigho!  I WAS good
+company in those days, and a brave fellow too, as I should have
+remained, but for--what I shall tell the public immediately.
+
+It happened, in the fatal year ninety-six, that the brave North
+Bungays were quartered at Portsmouth, a maritime place, which I
+need not describe, and which I wish I had never seen.  I might have
+been a General now, or, at least, a rich man.
+
+The red-coats carried everything before them in those days; and I,
+such a crack character as I was in my regiment, was very well
+received by the townspeople: many dinners I had; many tea-parties;
+many lovely young ladies did I lead down the pleasant country-
+dances.
+
+Well, although I had had the two former rebuffs in love which I
+have described, my heart was still young; and the fact was, knowing
+that a girl with a fortune was my only chance, I made love here as
+furiously as ever.  I shan't describe the lovely creatures on whom
+I fixed, whilst at Portsmouth.  I tried more than--several--and it
+is a singular fact, which I never have been able to account for,
+that, successful as I was with ladies of maturer age, by the young
+ones I was refused regular.
+
+But "faint heart never won fair lady;" and so I went on, and on,
+until I had got a Miss Clopper, a tolerable rich navy-contractor's
+daughter, into such a way, that I really don't think she could have
+refused me.  Her brother, Captain Clopper, was in a line regiment,
+and helped me as much as ever he could: he swore I was such a brave
+fellow.
+
+As I had received a number of attentions from Clopper, I determined
+to invite him to dinner; which I could do without any sacrifice of
+my principle upon this point: for the fact is, Dobble lived at an
+inn, and as he sent all his bills to his father, I made no scruple
+to use his table.  We dined in the coffee-room, Dobble bringing HIS
+friend; and so we made a party CARRY, as the French say.  Some
+naval officers were occupied in a similar way at a table next to
+ours.
+
+Well--I didn't spare the bottle, either for myself or for my
+friends; and we grew very talkative, and very affectionate as the
+drinking went on.  Each man told stories of his gallantry in the
+field, or amongst the ladies, as officers will, after dinner.
+Clopper confided to the company his wish that I should marry his
+sister, and vowed that he thought me the best fellow in Christendom.
+
+Ensign Dobble assented to this.  "But let Miss Clopper beware,"
+says he, "for Stubbs is a sad fellow: he has had I don't know how
+many liaisons already; and he has been engaged to I don't know how
+many women."
+
+"Indeed!" says Clopper.  "Come, Stubbs, tell us your adventures."
+
+"Psha!" said I, modestly, "there is nothing, indeed, to tell.  I
+have been in love, my dear boy--who has not?--and I have been
+jilted--who has not?"
+
+Clopper swore he would blow his sister's brains out if ever SHE
+served me so.
+
+"Tell him about Miss Crutty," said Dobble.  "He! he!  Stubbs served
+THAT woman out, anyhow; she didn't jilt HIM.  I'll be sworn."
+
+"Really, Dobble, you are too bad, and should not mention names.
+The fact is, the girl was desperately in love with me, and had
+money--sixty thousand pounds, upon my reputation.  Well, everything
+was arranged, when who should come down from London but a
+relation."
+
+"Well, and did he prevent the match?"
+
+"Prevent it--yes, sir, I believe you he did; though not in the
+sense that YOU mean.  He would have given his eyes--ay, and ten
+thousand pounds more--if I would have accepted the girl, but I
+would not."
+
+"Why, in the name of goodness?"
+
+"Sir, her uncle was a SHOEMAKER.  I never would debase myself by
+marrying into such a family."
+
+"Of course not," said Dobble; "he couldn't, you know.  Well, now--
+tell him about the other girl, Mary Waters, you know."
+
+"Hush, Dobble, hush! don't you see one of those naval officers has
+turned round and heard you?  My dear Clopper, it was a mere
+childish bagatelle."
+
+"Well, but let's have it," said Clopper--"let's have it.  I won't
+tell my sister, you know."  And he put his hand to his nose and
+looked monstrous wise.
+
+"Nothing of that sort, Clopper--no, no--'pon honor--little Bob
+Stubbs is no LIBERTINE; and the story is very simple.  You see that
+my father has a small place, merely a few hundred acres, at
+Sloffemsquiggle.  Isn't it a funny name?  Hang it, there's the
+naval gentleman staring again,"--(I looked terribly fierce as I
+returned this officer's stare, and continued in a loud careless
+voice).  Well, at this Sloffemsquiggle there lived a girl, a Miss
+Waters, the niece of some blackguard apothecary in the neighborhood;
+but my mother took a fancy to the girl, and had her up to the park
+and petted her.  We were both young--and--and--the girl fell in love
+with me, that's the fact.  I was obliged to repel some rather warm
+advances that she made me; and here, upon my honor as a gentleman,
+you have all the story about which that silly Dobble makes such a
+noise.
+
+Just as I finished this sentence.  I found myself suddenly taken by
+the nose, and a voice shouting out,--
+
+"Mr. Stubbs, you are A LIAR AND A SCOUNDREL!  Take this, sir,--and
+this, for daring to meddle with the name of an innocent lady."
+
+I turned round as well as I could--for the ruffian had pulled me
+out of my chair--and beheld a great marine monster, six feet high,
+who was occupied in beating and kicking me, in the most
+ungentlemanly manner, on my cheeks, my ribs, and between the tails
+of my coat.  "He is a liar, gentlemen, and a scoundrel!  The
+bootmaker had detected him in swindling, and so his niece refused
+him.  Miss Waters was engaged to him from childhood, and he
+deserted her for the bootmaker's niece, who was richer."--And then
+sticking a card between my stock and my coat-collar, in what is
+called the scruff of my neck, the disgusting brute gave me another
+blow behind my back, and left the coffee-room with his friends.
+
+Dobble raised me up; and taking the card from my neck, read,
+CAPTAIN WATERS.  Clopper poured me out a glass of water, and said
+in my ear, "If this is true, you are an infernal scoundrel, Stubbs;
+and must fight me, after Captain Waters;" and he flounced out of
+the room.
+
+I had but one course to pursue.  I sent the Captain a short and
+contemptuous note, saying that he was beneath my anger.  As for
+Clopper, I did not condescend to notice his remark but in order to
+get rid of the troublesome society of these low blackguards, I
+determined to gratify an inclination I had long entertained, and
+make a little tour.  I applied for leave of absence, and set off
+THAT VERY NIGHT.  I can fancy the disappointment of the brutal
+Waters, on coming, as he did, the next morning to my quarters and
+finding me GONE.  Ha! ha!
+
+After this adventure I became sick of a military life--at least the
+life of my own regiment, where the officers, such was their
+unaccountable meanness and prejudice against me, absolutely refused
+to see me at mess.  Colonel Craw sent me a letter to this effect,
+which I treated as it deserved.--I never once alluded to it in any
+way, and have since never spoken a single word to any man in the
+North Bungays.
+
+
+AUGUST.--DOGS HAVE THEIR DAYS.
+
+
+See, now, what life is!  I have had ill-luck on ill-luck from that
+day to this.  I have sunk in the world, and, instead of riding my
+horse and drinking my wine, as a real gentleman should, have hardly
+enough now to buy a pint of ale; ay, and am very glad when anybody
+will treat me to one.  Why, why was I born to undergo such
+unmerited misfortunes?
+
+You must know that very soon after my adventure with Miss Crutty,
+and that cowardly ruffian, Captain Waters (he sailed the day after
+his insult to me, or I should most certainly have blown his brains
+out; NOW he is living in England, and is my relation; but, of
+course, I cut the fellow)--very soon after these painful events
+another happened, which ended, too, in a sad disappointment.  My
+dear papa died, and, instead of leaving five thousand pounds, as I
+expected at the very least, left only his estate, which was worth
+but two.  The land and house were left to me; to mamma and my
+sisters he left, to be sure, a sum of two thousand pounds in the
+hands of that eminent firm Messrs. Pump, Aldgate and Co., which
+failed within six months after his demise, and paid in five years
+about one shilling and ninepence in the pound; which really was all
+my dear mother and sisters had to live upon.
+
+The poor creatures were quite unused to money matters; and, would
+you believe it? when the news came of Pump and Aldgate's failure,
+mamma only smiled, and threw her eyes up to heaven, and said,
+"Blessed be God, that we have still wherewithal to live.  There are
+tens of thousands in this world, dear children, who would count our
+poverty riches."  And with this she kissed my two sisters, who
+began to blubber, as girls always will do, and threw their arms
+round her neck, and then round my neck, until I was half stifled
+with their embraces, and slobbered all over with their tears.
+
+"Dearest mamma," said I, "I am very glad to see the noble manner in
+which you bear your loss; and more still to know that you are so
+rich as to be able to put up with it."  The fact was, I really
+thought the old lady had got a private hoard of her own, as many of
+them have--a thousand pounds or so in a stocking.  Had she put by
+thirty pounds a year, as well she might, for the thirty years of
+her marriage, there would have been nine hundred pounds clear, and
+no mistake.  But still I was angry to think that any such paltry
+concealment had been practised--concealment too of MY money; so I
+turned on her pretty sharply, and continued my speech.  "You say,
+Ma'am, that you are rich, and that Pump and Aldgate's failure has
+no effect upon you.  I am very happy to hear you say so, Ma'am--
+very happy that you ARE rich; and I should like to know where your
+property, my father's property, for you had none of your own,--I
+should like to know where this money lies--WHERE YOU HAVE CONCEALED
+IT, Ma'am; and, permit me to say, that when I agreed to board you
+and my two sisters for eighty pounds a year, I did not know that
+you had OTHER resources than those mentioned in my blessed father's
+will."
+
+This I said to her because I hated the meanness of concealment, not
+because I lost by the bargain of boarding them: for the three poor
+things did not eat much more than sparrows: and I've often since
+calculated that I had a clear twenty pounds a year profit out of
+them.
+
+Mamma and the girls looked quite astonished when I made the speech.
+"What does he mean?" said Lucy to Eliza.
+
+Mamma repeated the question.  "My beloved Robert, what concealment
+are you talking of?"
+
+"I am talking of concealed property, Ma'am," says I sternly.
+
+"And do you--what--can you--do you really suppose that I have
+concealed--any of that blessed sa-a-a-aint's prop-op-op-operty?"
+screams out mamma.  "Robert," says she--"Bob, my own darling boy--
+my fondest, best beloved, now HE is gone" (meaning my late
+governor--more tears)--"you don't, you cannot fancy that your own
+mother, who bore you, and nursed you, and wept for you, and would
+give her all to save you from a moment's harm--you don't suppose
+that she would che-e-e-eat you!"  And here she gave a louder
+screech than ever, and flung back on the sofa; and one of my
+sisters went and tumbled into her arms, and t'other went round, and
+the kissing and slobbering scene went on again, only I was left
+out, thank goodness.  I hate such sentimentality.
+
+"CHE-E-E-EAT ME," says I, mocking her.  "What do you mean, then, by
+saying you're so rich?  Say, have you got money, or have you not?"
+(And I rapped out a good number of oaths, too, which I don't put in
+here; but I was in a dreadful fury, that's the fact.)
+
+"So help me heaven," says mamma, in answer, going down on her knees
+and smacking her two hands, "I have but a Queen Anne's guinea in
+the whole of this wicked world."
+
+"Then what, Madam, induces you to tell these absurd stories to me,
+and to talk about your riches, when you know that you and your
+daughters are beggars, Ma'am--BEGGARS?"
+
+"My dearest boy, have we not got the house, and the furniture, and
+a hundred a year still; and have you not great talents, which will
+make all our fortunes?" says Mrs. Stubbs, getting up off her knees,
+and making believe to smile as she clawed hold of my hand and
+kissed it.
+
+This was TOO cool.  "YOU have got a hundred a year, Ma'am," says I--
+"YOU have got a house?  Upon my soul and honor this is the first I
+ever heard of it; and I'll tell you what, Ma'am," says I (and it
+cut her PRETTY SHARPLY too): "as you've got it, YOU'D BETTER GO AND
+LIVE IN IT.  I've got quite enough to do with my own house, and
+every penny of my own income."
+
+Upon this speech the old lady said nothing, but she gave a screech
+loud enough to be heard from here to York, and down she fell--
+kicking and struggling in a regular fit.
+
+        .        .        .        .        .        .
+
+I did not see Mrs. Stubbs for some days after this, and the girls
+used to come down to meals, and never speak; going up again and
+stopping with their mother.  At last, one day, both of them came in
+very solemn to my study, and Eliza, the eldest, said, "Robert,
+mamma has paid you our board up to Michaelmas."
+
+"She has," says I; for I always took precious good care to have it
+in advance.
+
+"She says, Robert, That on Michaelmas day--we'll--we'll go away,
+Robert."
+
+"Oh, she's going to her own house, is she, Lizzy?  Very good.
+She'll want the furniture, I suppose, and that she may have too,
+for I'm going to sell the place myself."  And so THAT matter was
+settled.
+
+        .        .        .        .        .        .
+
+On Michaelmas day--and during these two months I hadn't, I do
+believe, seen my mother twice (once, about two o'clock in the
+morning, I woke and found her sobbing over my bed)--on Michaelmas-
+day morning, Eliza comes to me and says, "ROBERT, THEY WILL COME
+AND FETCH US AT SIX THIS EVENING."  Well, as this was the last day,
+I went and got the best goose I could find (I don't think I ever
+saw a primer, or ate more hearty myself), and had it roasted at
+three, with a good pudding afterwards; and a glorious bowl of
+punch.  "Here's a health to you, dear girls," says I, "and you, Ma,
+and good luck to all three; and as you've not eaten a morsel, I
+hope you won't object to a glass of punch.  It's the old stuff, you
+know, Ma'am, that that Waters sent to my father fifteen years ago."
+
+Six o'clock came, and with it came a fine barouche.  As I live,
+Captain Waters was on the box (it was his coach); that old thief,
+Bates, jumped out, entered my house, and before I could say Jack
+Robinson, whipped off mamma to the carriage: the girls followed,
+just giving me a hasty shake of the hand; and as mamma was helped
+in, Mary Waters, who was sitting inside, flung her arms round her,
+and then round the girls; and the Doctor, who acted footman, jumped
+on the box, and off they went; taking no more notice of ME than if
+I'd been a nonentity.
+
+Here's a picture of the whole business:--Mamma and Miss Waters are
+sitting kissing each other in the carriage, with the two girls in
+the back seat: Waters is driving (a precious bad driver he is too);
+and I'm standing at the garden door, and whistling.  That old fool
+Mary Malowney is crying behind the garden gate: she went off next
+day along with the furniture; and I to get into that precious
+scrape which I shall mention next.
+
+
+SEPTEMBER.--PLUCKING A GOOSE.
+
+
+After my papa's death, as he left me no money, and only a little
+land, I put my estate into an auctioneer's hands, and determined to
+amuse my solitude with a trip to some of our fashionable watering-
+places.  My house was now a desert to me.  I need not say how the
+departure of my dear parent, and her children, left me sad and
+lonely.
+
+Well, I had a little ready money, and, for the estate, expected a
+couple of thousand pounds.  I had a good military-looking person:
+for though I had absolutely cut the old North Bungays (indeed,
+after my affair with Waters, Colonel Craw hinted to me, in the most
+friendly manner, that I had better resign)--though I had left the
+army, I still retained the rank of Captain; knowing the advantages
+attendant upon that title in a watering-place tour.
+
+Captain Stubbs became a great dandy at Cheltenham, Harrogate, Bath,
+Leamington, and other places.  I was a good whist and billiard
+player; so much so, that in many of these towns, the people used to
+refuse, at last, to play with me, knowing how far I was their
+superior.  Fancy my surprise, about five years after the Portsmouth
+affair, when strolling one day up the High Street, in Leamington,
+my eyes lighted upon a young man, whom I remembered in a certain
+butcher's yard, and elsewhere--no other, in fact, than Dobble.  He,
+too, was dressed en militaire, with a frogged coat and spurs; and
+was walking with a showy-looking, Jewish-faced, black-haired lady,
+glittering with chains and rings, with a green bonnet and a bird-
+of-Paradise--a lilac shawl, a yellow gown, pink silk stockings, and
+light-blue shoes.  Three children, and a handsome footman, were
+walking behind her, and the party, not seeing me, entered the
+"Royal Hotel" together.
+
+I was known myself at the "Royal," and calling one of the waiters,
+learned the names of the lady and gentleman.  He was Captain
+Dobble, the son of the rich army-clothier, Dobble (Dobble, Hobble
+and Co. of Pall Mall);--the lady was a Mrs. Manasseh, widow of an
+American Jew, living quietly at Leamington with her children, but
+possessed of an immense property.  There's no use to give one's
+self out to be an absolute pauper: so the fact is, that I myself
+went everywhere with the character of a man of very large means.
+My father had died, leaving me immense sums of money, and landed
+estates.  Ah! I was the gentleman then, the real gentleman, and
+everybody was too happy to have me at table.
+
+Well, I came the next day, and left a card for Dobble, with a note.
+He neither returned my visit, nor answered my note.  The day after,
+however, I met him with the widow, as before; and going up to him,
+very kindly seized him by the hand, and swore I was--as really was
+the case--charmed to see him.  Dobble hung back, to my surprise,
+and I do believe the creature would have cut me, if he dared; but I
+gave him a frown, and said--
+
+"What, Dobble, my boy, don't you recollect old Stubbs, and our
+adventure with the butcher's daughters--ha?"
+
+Dobble gave a sickly kind of grin, and said, "Oh! ah! yes!  It is--
+yes! it is, I believe, Captain Stubbs."
+
+"An old comrade, Madam, of Captain Dobble's, and one who has heard
+so much, and seen so much of your ladyship, that he must take the
+liberty of begging his friend to introduce him."
+
+Dobble was obliged to take the hint; and Captain Stubbs was duly
+presented to Mrs. Manasseh.  The lady was as gracious as possible;
+and when, at the end of the walk, we parted, she said "she hoped
+Captain Dobble would bring me to her apartments that evening, where
+she expected a few friends."  Everybody, you see, knows everybody
+at Leamington; and I, for my part, was well known as a retired
+officer of the army, who, on his father's death, had come into
+seven thousand a year.  Dobble's arrival had been subsequent to
+mine; but putting up as he did at the "Royal Hotel," and dining at
+the ordinary there with the widow, he had made her acquaintance
+before I had.  I saw, however, that if I allowed him to talk about
+me, as he could, I should be compelled to give up all my hopes and
+pleasures at Leamington; and so I determined to be short with him.
+As soon as the lady had gone into the hotel, my friend Dobble was
+for leaving me likewise; but I stopped him and said, "Mr. Dobble, I
+saw what you meant just now: you wanted to cut me, because,
+forsooth, I did not choose to fight a duel at Portsmouth.  Now look
+you, Dobble, I am no hero, but I'm not such a coward as you--and
+you know it.  You are a very different man to deal with from
+Waters; and I WILL FIGHT this time."
+
+Not perhaps that I would: but after the business of the butcher, I
+knew Dobble to be as great a coward as ever lived; and there never
+was any harm in threatening, for you know you are not obliged to
+stick to it afterwards.  My words had their effect upon Dobble, who
+stuttered and looked red, and then declared he never had the
+slightest intention of passing me by; so we became friends, and his
+mouth was stopped.
+
+He was very thick with the widow, but that lady had a very
+capacious heart, and there were a number of other gentlemen who
+seemed equally smitten with her.  "Look at that Mrs. Manasseh,"
+said a gentleman (it was droll, HE was a Jew, too) sitting at
+dinner by me.  "She is old, and ugly, and yet, because she has
+money, all the men are flinging themselves at her."
+
+"She has money, has she?"
+
+"Eighty thousand pounds, and twenty thousand for each of her
+children.  I know it FOR A FACT," said the strange gentleman.  "I
+am in the law, and we of our faith, you know, know pretty well what
+the great families amongst us are worth."
+
+"Who was Mr. Manasseh?" said I.
+
+"A man of enormous wealth--a tobacco-merchant--West Indies; a
+fellow of no birth, however; and who, between ourselves, married a
+woman that is not much better than she should be.  My dear sir,"
+whispered he, "she is always in love.  Now it is with that Captain
+Dobble; last week it was somebody else--and it may be you next
+week, if--ha! ha! ha!--you are disposed to enter the lists.  I
+wouldn't, for MY part, have the woman with twice her money."
+
+What did it matter to me whether the woman was good or not,
+provided she was rich?  My course was quite clear.  I told Dobble
+all that this gentleman had informed me, and being a pretty good
+hand at making a story, I made the widow appear SO bad, that the
+poor fellow was quite frightened, and fairly quitted the field.
+Ha! ha! I'm dashed if I did not make him believe that Mrs. Manasseh
+had MURDERED her last husband.
+
+I played my game so well, thanks to the information that my friend
+the lawyer had given me, that in a month I had got the widow to
+show a most decided partiality for me.  I sat by her at dinner, I
+drank with her at the "Wells"--I rode with her, I danced with her,
+and at a picnic to Kenilworth, where we drank a good deal of
+champagne, I actually popped the question, and was accepted.  In
+another month, Robert Stubbs, Esq., led to the altar, Leah, widow
+of the late Z. Manasseh, Esq., of St. Kitt's!
+
+        .        .        .        .        .        .
+
+We drove up to London in her comfortable chariot: the children and
+servants following in a post-chaise.  I paid, of course, for
+everything; and until our house in Berkeley Square was painted, we
+stopped at "Stevens's Hotel."
+
+        .        .        .        .        .        .
+
+My own estate had been sold, and the money was lying at a bank in
+the City.  About three days after our arrival, as we took our
+breakfast in the hotel, previous to a visit to Mrs. Stubbs's
+banker, where certain little transfers were to be made, a gentleman
+was introduced, who, I saw at a glance, was of my wife's
+persuasion.
+
+He looked at Mrs. Stubbs, and made a bow.  "Perhaps it will be
+convenient to you to pay this little bill, one hundred and fifty-
+two pounds?"
+
+"My love," says she, "will you pay this--it is a trifle which I had
+really forgotten?"
+
+"My soul!" said I, "I have really not the money in the house."
+
+"Vel, denn, Captain Shtubbsh," says he, "I must do my duty--and
+arrest you--here is the writ!  Tom, keep the door?"  My wife
+fainted--the children screamed, and I fancy my condition as I was
+obliged to march off to a spunging-house along with a horrid
+sheriff's officer?
+
+
+OCTOBER.--MARS AND VENUS IN OPPOSITION.
+
+
+I shall not describe my feelings when I found myself in a cage in
+Cursitor Street, instead of that fine house in Berkeley Square,
+which was to have been mine as the husband of Mrs. Manasseh.  What
+a place!--in an odious, dismal street leading from Chancery Lane.
+A hideous Jew boy opened the second of three doors and shut it when
+Mr. Nabb and I (almost fainting) had entered; then he opened the
+third door, and then I was introduced to a filthy place called a
+coffee-room, which I exchanged for the solitary comfort of a little
+dingy back-parlor, where I was left for a while to brood over my
+miserable fate.  Fancy the change between this and Berkeley Square!
+Was I, after all my pains, and cleverness, and perseverance,
+cheated at last?  Had this Mrs. Manasseh been imposing upon me, and
+were the words of the wretch I met at the table-d'hote at
+Leamington only meant to mislead me and take me in?  I determined
+to send for my wife, and know the whole truth.  I saw at once that
+I had been the victim of an infernal plot, and that the carriage,
+the house in town, the West India fortune, were only so many lies
+which I had blindly believed.  It was true that the debt was but a
+hundred and fifty pounds; and I had two thousand at my bankers'.
+But was the loss of HER 80,000L. nothing?  Was the destruction of
+my hopes nothing?  The accursed addition to my family of a Jewish
+wife and three Jewish children, nothing?  And all these I was to
+support out of my two thousand pounds.  I had better have stopped
+at home with my mamma and sisters, whom I really did love, and who
+produced me eighty pounds a year.
+
+I had a furious interview with Mrs. Stubbs; and when I charged her,
+the base wretch! with cheating me, like a brazen serpent as she
+was, she flung back the cheat in my teeth, and swore I had swindled
+her.  Why did I marry her, when she might have had twenty others?
+She only took me, she said, because I had twenty thousand pounds.
+I HAD said I possessed that sum; but in love, you know, and war
+all's fair.
+
+We parted quite as angrily as we met; and I cordially vowed that
+when I had paid the debt into which I had been swindled by her, I
+would take my 2,000L. and depart to some desert island; or, at the
+very least, to America, and never see her more, or any of her
+Israelitish brood.  There was no use in remaining in the spunging-
+house (for I knew that there were such things as detainers, and
+that where Mrs. Stubbs owed a hundred pounds, she might owe a
+thousand) so I sent for Mr. Nabb, and tendering him a cheque for
+150L. and his costs, requested to be let out forthwith.  "Here,
+fellow," said I, "is a cheque on Child's for your paltry sum."
+
+"It may be a sheck on Shild's," says Mr. Nabb; "but I should be a
+baby to let you out on such a paper as dat."
+
+"Well," said I, "Child's is but a step from this: you may go and
+get the cash,--just give me an acknowledgment."
+
+Nabb drew out the acknowledgment with great punctuality, and set
+off for the bankers', whilst I prepared myself for departure from
+this abominable prison.
+
+He smiled as he came in.  "Well," said I, "you have touched your
+money; and now, I must tell you, that you are the most infernal
+rogue and extortioner I ever met with."
+
+"Oh, no, Mishter Shtubbsh," says he, grinning still.  "Dere is som
+greater roag dan me,--mosh greater."
+
+"Fellow," said I, "don't stand grinning before a gentleman; but
+give me my hat and cloak, and let me leave your filthy den."
+
+"Shtop, Shtubbsh," says he, not even Mistering me this time.  "Here
+ish a letter, vich you had better read."
+
+I opened the letter; something fell to the ground:--it was my
+cheque.
+
+The letter ran thus: "Messrs. Child and Co. present their
+compliments to Captain Stubbs, and regret that they have been
+obliged to refuse payment of the enclosed, having been served this
+day with an attachment by Messrs. Solomonson and Co., which compels
+them to retain Captain Stubbs' balance of 2,010L. 11s. 6d. until
+the decision of the suit of Solomonson v. Stubbs.
+
+"FLEET STREET."
+
+"You see," says Mr. Nabb, as I read this dreadful letter--"you see,
+Shtubbsh, dere vas two debts,--a little von and a big von.  So dey
+arrested you for de little von, and attashed your money for de big
+von."
+
+Don't laugh at me for telling this story.  If you knew what tears
+are blotting over the paper as I write it--if you knew that for
+weeks after I was more like a madman than a sane man,--a madman in
+the Fleet Prison, where I went instead of to the desert island!
+What had I done to deserve it?  Hadn't I always kept an eye to the
+main chance?  Hadn't I lived economically, and not like other young
+men?  Had I ever been known to squander or give away a single
+penny?  No!  I can lay my hand on my heart, and, thank heaven, say,
+No!  Why, why was I punished so?
+
+Let me conclude this miserable history.  Seven months--my wife saw
+me once or twice, and then dropped me altogether--I remained in
+that fatal place.  I wrote to my dear mamma, begging her to sell
+her furniture, but got no answer.  All my old friends turned their
+backs upon me.  My action went against me--I had not a penny to
+defend it.  Solomonson proved my wife's debt, and seized my two
+thousand pounds.  As for the detainer against me, I was obliged to
+go through the court for the relief of insolvent debtors.  I passed
+through it, and came out a beggar.  But fancy the malice of that
+wicked Stiffelkind: he appeared in court as my creditor for 3L.,
+with sixteen years' interest at five per cent, for a PAIR OF TOP-
+BOOTS.  The old thief produced them in court, and told the whole
+story--Lord Cornwallis, the detection, the pumping and all.
+
+Commissioner Dubobwig was very funny about it.  "So Doctor
+Swishtail would not pay you for the boots, eh, Mr. Stiffelkind?"
+
+"No: he said, ven I asked him for payment, dey was ordered by a
+yong boy, and I ought to have gone to his schoolmaster."
+
+"What! then you came on a BOOTLESS errand, ay, sir?"  (A laugh.)
+
+"Bootless! no sare, I brought de boots back vid me.  How de devil
+else could I show dem to you?"  (Another laugh.)
+
+"You've never SOLED 'em since, Mr. Tickleshins?"
+
+"I never would sell dem; I svore I never vood, on porpus to be
+revenged on dat Stobbs."
+
+"What! your wound has never been HEALED, eh?"
+
+"Vat do you mean vid your bootless errands, and your soling and
+healing?  I tell you I have done vat I svore to do: I have exposed
+him at school; I have broak off a marriage for him, ven he vould
+have had tventy tousand pound; and now I have showed him up in a
+court of justice.  Dat is vat I 'ave done, and dat's enough."  And
+then the old wretch went down, whilst everybody was giggling and
+staring at poor me--as if I was not miserable enough already.
+
+"This seems the dearest pair of boots you ever had in your life,
+Mr. Stubbs," said Commissioner Dubobwig very archly, and then he
+began to inquire about the rest of my misfortunes.
+
+In the fulness of my heart I told him the whole of them: how Mr.
+Solomonson the attorney had introduced me to the rich widow, Mrs.
+Manasseh, who had fifty thousand pounds, and an estate in the West
+Indies.  How I was married, and arrested on coming to town, and
+cast in an action for two thousand pounds brought against me by
+this very Solomonson for my wife's debts.
+
+"Stop!" says a lawyer in the court.  "Is this woman a showy black-
+haired woman with one eye? very often drunk, with three children?--
+Solomonson, short, with red hair?"
+
+"Exactly so," said I, with tears in my eyes.
+
+"That woman has married THREE MEN within the last two years.  One
+in Ireland, and one at Bath.  A Solomonson is, I believe, her
+husband, and they both are off for America ten days ago."
+
+"But why did you not keep your 2,000L.?" said the lawyer.
+
+"Sir, they attached it."
+
+"Oh, well, we may pass you.  You have been unlucky, Mr. Stubbs, but
+it seems as if the biter had been bit in this affair."
+
+"No," said Mr. Dubobwig.  "Mr. Stubbs is the victim of a FATAL
+ATTACHMENT."
+
+
+NOVEMBER.--A GENERAL POST DELIVERY.
+
+
+I was a free man when I went out of the Court; but I was a beggar--
+I, Captain Stubbs, of the bold North Bungays, did not know where I
+could get a bed, or a dinner.
+
+As I was marching sadly down Portugal Street, I felt a hand on my
+shoulder and a rough voice which I knew well.
+
+"Vell, Mr. Stobbs, have I not kept my promise?  I told you dem
+boots would be your ruin."
+
+I was much too miserable to reply; and only cast my eyes towards
+the roofs of the houses, which I could not see for the tears.
+
+"Vat! you begin to gry and blobber like a shild? you vood marry,
+vood you? and noting vood do for you but a vife vid monny--ha, ha--
+but you vere de pigeon, and she was de grow.  She has plocked you,
+too, pretty vell--eh? ha! ha!"
+
+"Oh, Mr. Stiffelkind," said I, "don't laugh at my misery: she has
+not left me a single shilling under heaven.  And I shall starve: I
+do believe I shall starve."  And I began to cry fit to break my
+heart.
+
+"Starf! stoff and nonsense!  You vill never die of starfing--you
+vill die of HANGING, I tink--ho! ho!--and it is moch easier vay
+too."  I didn't say a word, but cried on; till everybody in the
+street turned round and stared.
+
+"Come, come," said Stiffelkind, "do not gry, Gaptain Stobbs--it is
+not goot for a Gaptain to gry--ha! ha!  Dere--come vid me, and you
+shall have a dinner, and a bregfast too,--vich shall gost you
+nothing, until you can bay vid your earnings."
+
+And so this curious old man, who had persecuted me all through my
+prosperity, grew compassionate towards me in my ill-luck; and took
+me home with him as he promised.  "I saw your name among de
+Insolvents, and I vowed, you know, to make you repent dem boots.
+Dere, now, it is done and forgotten, look you.  Here, Betty,
+Bettchen, make de spare bed, and put a clean knife and fork; Lort
+Cornvallis is come to dine vid me."
+
+I lived with this strange old man for six weeks.  I kept his books,
+and did what little I could to make myself useful: carrying about
+boots and shoes, as if I had never borne his Majesty's commission.
+He gave me no money, but he fed and lodged me comfortably.  The men
+and boys used to laugh, and call me General, and Lord Cornwallis,
+and all sorts of nicknames; and old Stiffelkind made a thousand new
+ones for me.
+
+One day I can recollect--one miserable day, as I was polishing on
+the trees a pair of boots of Mr. Stiffelkind's manufacture--the old
+gentleman came into the shop, with a lady on his arm.
+
+"Vere is Gaptain Stobbs?" said he.  "Vere is dat ornament to his
+Majesty's service?"
+
+I came in from the back shop, where I was polishing the boots, with
+one of them in my hand.
+
+"Look, my dear," says he, "here is an old friend of yours, his
+Excellency Lort Cornvallis!--Who would have thought such a nobleman
+vood turn shoeblack?  Captain Stobbs, here is your former flame, my
+dear niece, Miss Grotty.  How could you, Magdalen, ever leaf such a
+lof of a man?  Shake hands vid her, Gaptain;--dere, never mind de
+blacking!"  But Miss drew back.
+
+"I never shake hands with a SHOEBLACK," said she, mighty
+contemptuous.
+
+"Bah! my lof, his fingers von't soil you.  Don't you know he has
+just been VITEVASHED?"
+
+"I wish, uncle," says she, "you would not leave me with such low
+people."
+
+"Low, because he cleans boots?  De Gaptain prefers PUMPS to boots I
+tink--ha! ha!"
+
+"Captain indeed! a nice Captain," says Miss Crutty, snapping her
+fingers in my face, and walking away: "a Captain who has had his
+nose pulled! ha! ha!"--And how could I help it? it wasn't by my own
+CHOICE that that ruffian Waters took such liberties with me.
+Didn't I show how averse I was to all quarrels by refusing
+altogether his challenge?--But such is the world.  And thus the
+people at Stiffelkind's used to tease me, until they drove me
+almost mad.
+
+At last he came home one day more merry and abusive than ever.
+"Gaptain," says he, "I have goot news for you--a goot place.  Your
+lordship vill not be able to geep your garridge, but you vill be
+gomfortable, and serve his Majesty."
+
+"Serve his Majesty?" says I.  "Dearest Mr. Stiffelkind, have you
+got me a place under Government?"
+
+"Yes, and somting better still--not only a place, but a uniform:
+yes, Gaptain Stobbs, a RED GOAT."
+
+"A red coat!  I hope you don't think I would demean myself by
+entering the ranks of the army?  I am a gentleman, Mr. Stiffelkind--
+I can never--no, I never--"
+
+"No, I know you will never--you are too great a goward--ha! ha!--
+though dis is a red goat, and a place where you must give some HARD
+KNOCKS too--ha! ha!--do you gomprehend?--and you shall be a general
+instead of a gaptain--ha! ha!"
+
+"A general in a red coat, Mr. Stiffelkind?"
+
+"Yes, a GENERAL BOSTMAN!--ha! ha!  I have been vid your old friend,
+Bunting, and he has an uncle in the Post Office, and he has got you
+de place--eighteen shillings a veek, you rogue, and your goat.  You
+must not oben any of de letters you know."
+
+And so it was--I, Robert Stubbs, Esquire, became the vile thing he
+named--a general postman!
+
+        .        .        .        .        .        .
+
+I was so disgusted with Stiffelkind's brutal jokes, which were now
+more brutal than ever, that when I got my place in the Post Office,
+I never went near the fellow again: for though he had done me a
+favor in keeping me from starvation, he certainly had done it in a
+very rude, disagreeable manner, and showed a low and mean spirit in
+SHOVING me into such a degraded place as that of postman.  But what
+had I to do?  I submitted to fate, and for three years or more,
+Robert Stubbs, of the North Bungay Fencibles, was--
+
+I wonder nobody recognized me.  I lived in daily fear the first
+year: but afterwards grew accustomed to my situation, as all great
+men will do, and wore my red coat as naturally as if I had been
+sent into the world only for the purpose of being a letter-carrier.
+
+I was first in the Whitechapel district, where I stayed for nearly
+three years, when I was transferred to Jermyn Street and Duke
+Street--famous places for lodgings.  I suppose I left a hundred
+letters at a house in the latter street, where lived some people
+who must have recognized me had they but once chanced to look at
+me.
+
+You see that when I left Sloffemsquiggle, and set out in the gay
+world, my mamma had written to me a dozen times at least; but I
+never answered her, for I knew she wanted money, and I detest
+writing.  Well, she stopped her letters, finding she could get none
+from me:--but when I was in the Fleet, as I told you, I wrote
+repeatedly to my dear mamma, and was not a little nettled at her
+refusing to notice me in my distress, which is the very time one
+most wants notice.
+
+Stubbs is not an uncommon name; and though I saw MRS. STUBBS on a
+little bright brass plate, in Duke street, and delivered so many
+letters to the lodgers in her house, I never thought of asking who
+she was, or whether she was my relation, or not.
+
+One day the young woman who took in the letters had not got change,
+and she called her mistress.  An old lady in a poke-bonnet came out
+of the parlor, and put on her spectacles, and looked at the letter,
+and fumbled in her pocket for eightpence, and apologized to the
+postman for keeping him waiting.  And when I said, "Never mind,
+Ma'am, it's no trouble," the old lady gave a start, and then she
+pulled off her spectacles, and staggered back; and then she began
+muttering, as if about to choke; and then she gave a great screech,
+and flung herself into my arms, and roared out, "MY SON, MY SON!"
+
+"Law, mamma," said I, "is that you?" and I sat down on the hall
+bench with her, and let her kiss me as much as ever she liked.
+Hearing the whining and crying, down comes another lady from up
+stairs,--it was my sister Eliza; and down come the lodgers.  And
+the maid gets water and what not, and I was the regular hero of the
+group.  I could not stay long then, having my letters to deliver.
+But, in the evening, after mail-time, I went back to my mamma and
+sister; and, over a bottle of prime old port, and a precious good
+leg of boiled mutton and turnips, made myself pretty comfortable, I
+can tell you.
+
+
+DECEMBER.--"THE WINTER OF OUR DISCONTENT."
+
+
+Mamma had kept the house in Duke Street for more than two years.
+I recollected some of the chairs and tables from dear old
+Sloffemsquiggle, and the bowl in which I had made that famous rum-
+punch, the evening she went away, which she and my sisters left
+untouched, and I was obliged to drink after they were gone; but
+that's not to the purpose.
+
+Think of my sister Lucy's luck! that chap, Waters, fell in love
+with her, and married her; and she now keeps her carriage, and
+lives in state near Sloffemsquiggle.  I offered to make it up with
+Waters; but he bears malice, and never will see or speak to me.--He
+had the impudence, too, to say, that he took in all letters for
+mamma at Sloffemsquiggle; and that as mine were all begging-
+letters, he burned them, and never said a word to her concerning
+them.  He allowed mamma fifty pounds a year, and, if she were not
+such a fool, she might have had three times as much; but the old
+lady was high and mighty forsooth, and would not be beholden, even
+to her own daughter, for more than she actually wanted.  Even this
+fifty pound she was going to refuse; but when I came to live with
+her, of course I wanted pocket-money as well as board and lodging,
+and so I had the fifty pounds for MY share, and eked out with it as
+well as I could.
+
+Old Bates and the Captain, between them, gave mamma a hundred
+pounds when she left me (she had the deuce's own luck, to be sure--
+much more than ever fell to ME, I know) and as she said she WOULD
+try and work for her living, it was thought best to take a house
+and let lodgings, which she did.  Our first and second floor paid
+us four guineas a week, on an average; and the front parlor and
+attic made forty pounds more.  Mamma and Eliza used to have the
+front attic: but I took that, and they slept in the servants'
+bedroom.  Lizzy had a pretty genius for work, and earned a guinea a
+week that way; so that we had got nearly two hundred a year over
+the rent to keep house with,--and we got on pretty well.  Besides,
+women eat nothing: my women didn't care for meat for days together
+sometimes,--so that it was only necessary to dress a good steak or
+so for me.
+
+Mamma would not think of my continuing in the Post Office.  She
+said her dear Robert, her husband's son, her gallant soldier, and
+all that, should remain at home and be a gentleman--which I was,
+certainly, though I didn't find fifty pounds a year very much to
+buy clothes and be a gentleman upon.  To be sure, mother found me
+shirts and linen, so that THAT wasn't in the fifty pounds.  She
+kicked a little at paying the washing too; but she gave in at last,
+for I was her dear Bob, you know; and I'm blest if I could not make
+her give me the gown off her back.  Fancy! once she cut up a very
+nice rich black silk scarf, which my sister Waters sent her, and
+made me a waistcoat and two stocks of it.  She was so VERY soft,
+the old lady!
+
+        .        .        .        .        .        .
+
+I'd lived in this way for five years or more, making myself content
+with my fifty pounds a year (PERHAPS I had saved a little out of
+it; but that's neither here nor there).  From year's end to year's
+end I remained faithful to my dear mamma, never leaving her except
+for a month or so in the summer--when a bachelor may take a trip to
+Gravesend or Margate, which would be too expensive for a family.  I
+say a bachelor, for the fact is, I don't know whether I am married
+or not--never having heard a word since of the scoundrelly Mrs.
+Stubbs.
+
+I never went to the public-house before meals: for, with my
+beggarly fifty pounds, I could not afford to dine away from home:
+but there I had my regular seat, and used to come home PRETTY
+GLORIOUS, I can tell you.  Then bed till eleven; then breakfast and
+the newspaper; then a stroll in Hyde Park or St. James's; then home
+at half-past three to dinner--when I jollied, as I call it, for the
+rest of the day.  I was my mother's delight; and thus, with a clear
+conscience, I managed to live on.
+
+        .        .        .        .        .        .
+
+How fond she was of me, to be sure!  Being sociable myself, and
+loving to have my friends about me, we often used to assemble a
+company of as hearty fellows as you would wish to sit down with,
+and keep the nights up royally.  "Never mind, my boys," I used to
+say.  "Send the bottle round: mammy pays for all."  As she did,
+sure enough: and sure enough we punished her cellar too.  The good
+old lady used to wait upon us, as if for all the world she had been
+my servant, instead of a lady and my mamma.  Never used she to
+repine, though I often, as I must confess, gave her occasion
+(keeping her up till four o'clock in the morning, because she never
+could sleep until she saw her "dear Bob" in bed, and leading her a
+sad anxious life).  She was of such a sweet temper, the old lady,
+that I think in the course of five years I never knew her in a
+passion, except twice: and then with sister Lizzy, who declared I
+was ruining the house, and driving the lodgers away, one by one.
+But mamma would not hear of such envious spite on my sister's part.
+"Her Bob" was always right, she said.  At last Lizzy fairly
+retreated, and went to the Waters's.--I was glad of it, for her
+temper was dreadful, and we used to be squabbling from morning till
+night!
+
+Ah, those WERE jolly times! but Ma was obliged to give up the
+lodging-house at last--for, somehow, things went wrong after my
+sister's departure--the nasty uncharitable people said, on account
+of ME; because I drove away the lodgers by smoking and drinking,
+and kicking up noises in the house; and because Ma gave me so much
+of her money:--so she did, but if she WOULD give it, you know, how
+could I help it?  Heigho!  I wish I'd KEPT it.
+
+No such luck.  The business I thought was to last for ever: but at
+the end of two years came a smash--shut up shop--sell off
+everything.  Mamma went to the Waters's: and, will you believe it?
+the ungrateful wretches would not receive me! that Mary, you see,
+was SO disappointed at not marrying me.  Twenty pounds a year they
+allow, it is true; but what's that for a gentleman?  For twenty
+years I have been struggling manfully to gain an honest livelihood,
+and, in the course of them, have seen a deal of life, to be sure.
+I've sold cigars and pocket-handkerchiefs at the corners of
+streets; I've been a billiard-marker; I've been a director (in the
+panic year) of the Imperial British Consolidated Mangle and Drying
+Ground Company.  I've been on the stage (for two years as an actor,
+and about a month as a cad, when I was very low); I've been the
+means of giving to the police of this empire some very valuable
+information (about licensed victuallers, gentlemen's carts, and
+pawnbrokers' names); I've been very nearly an officer again--that
+is, an assistant to an officer of the Sheriff of Middlesex: it was
+my last place.
+
+On the last day of the year 1837, even THAT game was up.  It's a
+thing that very seldom happened to a gentleman, to be kicked out of
+a spunging-house; but such was my case.  Young Nabb (who succeeded
+his father) drove me ignominiously from his door, because I had
+charged a gentleman in the coffee-rooms seven-and-sixpence for a
+glass of ale and bread and cheese, the charge of the house being
+only six shillings.  He had the meanness to deduct the eighteenpence
+from my wages, and because I blustered a bit, he took me by the
+shoulders and turned me out--me, a gentleman, and, what is more, a
+poor orphan!
+
+How I did rage and swear at him when I got out into the street!
+There stood he, the hideous Jew monster, at the double door,
+writhing under the effect of my language.  I had my revenge!  Heads
+were thrust out of every bar of his windows, laughing at him.  A
+crowd gathered round me, as I stood pounding him with my satire,
+and they evidently enjoyed his discomfiture.  I think the mob would
+have pelted the ruffian to death (one or two of their missiles hit
+ME, I can tell you), when a policeman came up, and in reply to a
+gentleman, who was asking what was the disturbance, said, "Bless
+you, sir, it's Lord Cornwallis."  "Move on, BOOTS," said the fellow
+to me; for the fact is, my misfortunes and early life are pretty
+well known--and so the crowd dispersed.
+
+"What could have made that policeman call you Lord Cornwallis and
+Boots?" said the gentleman, who seemed mightily amused, and had
+followed me.  "Sir," says I, "I am an unfortunate officer of the
+North Bungay Fencibles, and I'll tell you willingly for a pint of
+beer."  He told me to follow him to his chambers in the Temple,
+which I did (a five-pair back), and there, sure enough, I had the
+beer; and told him this very story you've been reading.  You see he
+is what is called a literary man--and sold my adventures for me to
+the booksellers; he's a strange chap; and says they're MORAL.
+
+        .        .        .        .        .        .
+
+I'm blest if I can see anything moral in them.  I'm sure I ought to
+have been more lucky through life, being so very wide awake.  And
+yet here I am, without a place, or even a friend, starving upon a
+beggarly twenty pounds a year--not a single sixpence more, upon MY
+HONOR.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of The Project Gutenberg Etext of The Fatal Boots, by Wm.Thackeray
+
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