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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/2844-0.txt b/2844-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c22c535 --- /dev/null +++ b/2844-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2363 @@ +Project Gutenberg's The Fatal Boots, by William Makepeace Thackeray + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Fatal Boots + +Author: William Makepeace Thackeray + +Release Date: May 27, 2006 [EBook #2844] +Last Updated: March 5, 2018 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE FATAL BOOTS *** + + + + +Produced by Donald Lainson + + + + + +THE FATAL BOOTS. + + +by William Makepeace Thackeray + + + + +THE FATAL BOOTS:-- + + + +January.--The Birth of the Year + +February.--Cutting Weather + +March.--Showery + +April.--Fooling + +May.--Restoration Day + +June.--Marrowbones and Cleavers + +July.--Summary Proceedings + +August.--Dogs have their Days + +September.--Plucking a Goose + +October.--Mars and Venus in Opposition + +November.--A General Post Delivery + +December.--“The Winter of Our Discontent” + + + + +THE FATAL BOOTS + + + + +JANUARY.--THE BIRTH OF THE YEAR. + +Some poet has observed, that if any man would write down what has really +happened to him in this mortal life, he would be sure to make a good +book, though he never had met with a single adventure from his birth to +his burial. How much more, then, must I, who HAVE had adventures, most +singular, pathetic, and unparalleled, be able to compile an instructive +and entertaining volume for the use of the public. + +I don't mean to say that I have killed lions, or seen the wonders of +travel in the deserts of Arabia or Prussia; or that I have been a very +fashionable character, living with dukes and peeresses, and writing my +recollections of them, as the way now is. I never left this my native +isle, nor spoke to a lord (except an Irish one, who had rooms in our +house, and forgot to pay three weeks' lodging and extras); but, as our +immortal bard observes, I have in the course of my existence been so +eaten up by the slugs and harrows of outrageous fortune, and have been +the object of such continual and extraordinary ill-luck, that I believe +it would melt the heart of a milestone to read of it--that is, if a +milestone had a heart of anything but stone. + +Twelve of my adventures, suitable for meditation and perusal during the +twelve months of the year, have been arranged by me for this work. They +contain a part of the history of a great, and, confidently I may say, +a GOOD man. I was not a spendthrift like other men. I never wronged any +man of a shilling, though I am as sharp a fellow at a bargain as any in +Europe. I never injured a fellow-creature; on the contrary, on +several occasions, when injured myself, have shown the most wonderful +forbearance. I come of a tolerably good family; and yet, born to +wealth--of an inoffensive disposition, careful of the money that I +had, and eager to get more,--I have been going down hill ever since +my journey of life began, and have been pursued by a complication of +misfortunes such as surely never happened to any man but the unhappy Bob +Stubbs. + +Bob Stubbs is my name; and I haven't got a shilling: I have borne the +commission of lieutenant in the service of King George, and am NOW--but +never mind what I am now, for the public will know in a few pages more. +My father was of the Suffolk Stubbses--a well-to-do gentleman of Bungay. +My grandfather had been a respected attorney in that town, and left my +papa a pretty little fortune. I was thus the inheritor of competence, +and ought to be at this moment a gentleman. + +My misfortunes may be said to have commenced about a year before my +birth, when my papa, a young fellow pretending to study the law in +London, fell madly in love with Miss Smith, the daughter of a tradesman, +who did not give her a sixpence, and afterwards became bankrupt. My papa +married this Miss Smith, and carried her off to the country, where I was +born, in an evil hour for me. + +Were I to attempt to describe my early years, you would laugh at me as +an impostor; but the following letter from mamma to a friend, after her +marriage, will pretty well show you what a poor foolish creature she +was; and what a reckless extravagant fellow was my other unfortunate +parent:-- + + +“TO MISS ELIZA KICKS, IN GRACECHURCH STREET, LONDON. + +“OH, ELIZA! your Susan is the happiest girl under heaven! My Thomas is +an angel! not a tall grenadier-like looking fellow, such as I always +vowed I would marry:--on the contrary, he is what the world would call +dumpy, and I hesitate not to confess, that his eyes have a cast in them. +But what then? when one of his eyes is fixed on me, and one on my babe, +they are lighted up with an affection which my pen cannot describe, and +which, certainly, was never bestowed upon any woman so strongly as upon +your happy Susan Stubbs. + +“When he comes home from shooting, or the farm, if you COULD see dear +Thomas with me and our dear little Bob! as I sit on one knee, and baby +on the other, and as he dances us both about. I often wish that we had +Sir Joshua, or some great painter, to depict the group; for sure it is +the prettiest picture in the whole world, to see three such loving merry +people. + +“Dear baby is the most lovely little creature that CAN POSSIBLY +BE,--the very IMAGE of papa; he is cutting his teeth, and the delight +of EVERYBODY. Nurse says that, when he is older he will get rid of his +squint, and his hair will get a GREAT DEAL less red. Doctor Bates is +as kind, and skilful, and attentive as we could desire. Think what a +blessing to have had him! Ever since poor baby's birth, it has never had +a day of quiet; and he has been obliged to give it from three to four +doses every week;--how thankful ought we to be that the DEAR THING is +as well as it is! It got through the measles wonderfully; then it had +a little rash; and then a nasty hooping-cough; and then a fever, and +continual pains in its poor little stomach, crying, poor dear child, +from morning till night. + +“But dear Tom is an excellent nurse; and many and many a night has he +had no sleep, dear man! in consequence of the poor little baby. He walks +up and down with it FOR HOURS, singing a kind of song (dear fellow, he +has no more voice than a tea-kettle), and bobbing his head backwards and +forwards, and looking, in his nightcap and dressing-gown, SO DROLL. Oh, +Eliza! how you would laugh to see him. + +“We have one of the best nursemaids IN THE WORLD,--an Irishwoman, who is +as fond of baby almost as his mother (but that can NEVER BE). She takes +it to walk in the park for hours together, and I really don't know why +Thomas dislikes her. He says she is tipsy, very often, and slovenly, +which I cannot conceive;--to be sure, the nurse is sadly dirty, and +sometimes smells very strong of gin. + +“But what of that?--these little drawbacks only make home more pleasant. +When one thinks how many mothers have NO nursemaids: how many poor dear +children have no doctors: ought we not to be thankful for Mary Malowney, +and that Dr. Bates's bill is forty-seven pounds? How ill must dear baby +have been, to require so much physic! + +“But they are a sad expense, these dear babies, after all. Fancy, Eliza, +how much this Mary Malowney costs us. Ten shillings every week; a glass +of brandy or gin at dinner; three pint-bottles of Mr. Thrale's best +porter every day,--making twenty-one in a week, and nine hundred and +ninety in the eleven months she has been with us. Then, for baby, there +is Dr. Bates's bill of forty-five guineas, two guineas for christening, +twenty for a grand christening supper and ball (rich uncle John mortally +offended because he was made godfather, and had to give baby a silver +cup: he has struck Thomas out of his will: and old Mr. Firkin quite as +much hurt because he was NOT asked: he will not speak to me or Thomas +in consequence) twenty guineas for flannels, laces, little gowns, caps, +napkins, and such baby's ware: and all this out of 300L. a year! But +Thomas expects to make A GREAT DEAL by his farm. + +“We have got the most charming country-house YOU CAN IMAGINE: it is +QUITE SHUT IN by trees, and so retired that, though only thirty miles +from London, the post comes to us but once a week. The roads, it must be +confessed, are execrable; it is winter now, and we are up to our knees +in mud and snow. But oh, Eliza! how happy we are: with Thomas (he has +had a sad attack of rheumatism, dear man!) and little Bobby, and our +kind friend Dr. Bates, who comes so far to see us, I leave you to +fancy that we have a charming merry party, and do not care for all the +gayeties of Ranelagh. + +“Adieu! dear baby is crying for his mamma. A thousand kisses from your +affectionate + +“SUSAN STUBBS.” + + +There it is! Doctor's bills, gentleman-farming, twenty-one pints of +porter a week. In this way my unnatural parents were already robbing me +of my property. + + + + +FEBRUARY.--CUTTING WEATHER. + +I have called this chapter “cutting weather,” partly in compliment to +the month of February, and partly in respect of my own misfortunes, +which you are going to read about. For I have often thought that January +(which is mostly twelfth-cake and holiday time) is like the first four +or five years of a little boy's life; then comes dismal February, and +the working-days with it, when chaps begin to look out for themselves, +after the Christmas and the New Year's heyday and merrymaking are over, +which our infancy may well be said to be. Well can I recollect that +bitter first of February, when I first launched out into the world and +appeared at Doctor Swishtail's academy. + +I began at school that life of prudence and economy which I have carried +on ever since. My mother gave me eighteenpence on setting out (poor +soul! I thought her heart would break as she kissed me, and bade God +bless me); and, besides, I had a small capital of my own which I had +amassed for a year previous. I'll tell you, what I used to do. Wherever +I saw six halfpence I took one. If it was asked for I said I had taken +it and gave it back;--if it was not missed, I said nothing about it, as +why should I?--those who don't miss their money, don't lose their money. +So I had a little private fortune of three shillings, besides mother's +eighteenpence. At school they called me the copper-merchant, I had such +lots of it. + +Now, even at a preparatory school, a well-regulated boy may better +himself: and I can tell you I did. I never was in any quarrels: I never +was very high in the class or very low: but there was no chap so much +respected:--and why? I'D ALWAYS MONEY. The other boys spent all +theirs in the first day or two, and they gave me plenty of cakes and +barley-sugar then, I can tell you. I'd no need to spend my own money, +for they would insist upon treating me. Well, in a week, when theirs was +gone, and they had but their threepence a week to look to for the +rest of the half-year, what did I do? Why, I am proud to say that +three-halfpence out of the threepence a week of almost all the young +gentlemen at Dr. Swishtail's, came into my pocket. Suppose, for +instance, Tom Hicks wanted a slice of gingerbread, who had the money? +Little Bob Stubbs, to be sure. “Hicks,” I used to say, “I'LL buy you +three halfp'orth of gingerbread, if you'll give me threepence next +Saturday.” And he agreed; and next Saturday came, and he very often +could not pay me more than three-halfpence. Then there was the +threepence I was to have THE NEXT Saturday. I'll tell you what I did +for a whole half-year:--I lent a chap, by the name of Dick Bunting, +three-halfpence the first Saturday for three-pence the next: he could +not pay me more than half when Saturday came, and I'm blest if I did +not make him pay me three-halfpence FOR THREE-AND-TWENTY WEEKS +RUNNING, making two shillings and tenpence-halfpenny. But he was a sad +dishonorable fellow, Dick Bunting; for after I'd been so kind to +him, and let him off for three-and-twenty-weeks the money he owed me, +holidays came, and threepence he owed me still. Well, according to the +common principles of practice, after six-weeks' holidays, he ought to +have paid me exactly sixteen shillings, which was my due. For the + + First week the 3d. would be 6d. | Fourth week . . . . . 4s. + Second week . . . . . 1s. | Fifth week . . . . . 8s. + Third week . . . . . 2s. | Sixth week . . . . . 16s. + +Nothing could be more just; and yet--will it be believed? when Bunting +came back he offered me THREE-HALFPENCE! the mean, dishonest scoundrel. + +However, I was even with him, I can tell you.--He spent all his money in +a fortnight, and THEN I screwed him down! I made him, besides giving +me a penny for a penny, pay me a quarter of his bread and butter +at breakfast and a quarter of his cheese at supper; and before the +half-year was out, I got from him a silver fruit-knife, a box of +compasses, and a very pretty silver-laced waistcoat, in which I went +home as proud as a king: and, what's more, I had no less than three +golden guineas in the pocket of it, besides fifteen shillings, the +knife, and a brass bottle-screw, which I got from another chap. It +wasn't bad interest for twelve shillings--which was all the money I'd +had in the year--was it? Heigho! I've often wished that I could get such +a chance again in this wicked world; but men are more avaricious now +than they used to be in those dear early days. + +Well, I went home in my new waistcoat as fine as a peacock; and when I +gave the bottle-screw to my father, begging him to take it as a token of +my affection for him, my dear mother burst into such a fit of tears as I +never saw, and kissed and hugged me fit to smother me. “Bless him, bless +him,” says she, “to think of his old father. And where did you purchase +it, Bob?”--“Why, mother,” says I, “I purchased it out of my savings” + (which was as true as the gospel).--When I said this, mother looked +round to father, smiling, although she had tears in her eyes, and she +took his hand, and with her other hand drew me to her. “Is he not a +noble boy?” says she to my father: “and only nine years old!”--“Faith,” + says my father, “he IS a good lad, Susan. Thank thee, my boy: and here +is a crown-piece in return for thy bottle-screw--it shall open us a +bottle of the very best too,” says my father. And he kept his word. +I always was fond of good wine (though never, from a motive of proper +self-denial, having any in my cellar); and, by Jupiter! on this night I +had my little skinful,--for there was no stinting,--so pleased were my +dear parents with the bottle-screw. The best of it was, it only cost me +threepence originally, which a chap could not pay me. + +Seeing this game was such a good one, I became very generous towards my +parents; and a capital way it is to encourage liberality in children. +I gave mamma a very neat brass thimble, and she gave me a half-guinea +piece. Then I gave her a very pretty needle-book, which I made myself +with an ace of spades from a new pack of cards we had, and I got Sally, +our maid, to cover it with a bit of pink satin her mistress had given +her; and I made the leaves of the book, which I vandyked very nicely, +out of a piece of flannel I had had round my neck for a sore throat. +It smelt a little of hartshorn, but it was a beautiful needle-book; and +mamma was so delighted with it, that she went into town and bought me a +gold-laced hat. Then I bought papa a pretty china tobacco-stopper: but +I am sorry to say of my dear father that he was not so generous as my +mamma or myself, for he only burst out laughing, and did not give me so +much as a half-crown piece, which was the least I expected from him. “I +shan't give you anything, Bob, this time,” says he; “and I wish, my boy, +you would not make any more such presents,--for, really, they are too +expensive.” Expensive indeed! I hate meanness,--even in a father. + +I must tell you about the silver-edged waistcoat which Bunting gave +me. Mamma asked me about it, and I told her the truth,--that it was a +present from one of the boys for my kindness to him. Well, what does she +do but writes back to Dr. Swishtail, when I went to school, thanking him +for his attention to her dear son, and sending a shilling to the good +and grateful little boy who had given me the waistcoat! + +“What waistcoat is it,” says the Doctor to me, “and who gave it to you?” + +“Bunting gave it me, sir,” says I. + +“Call Bunting!” and up the little ungrateful chap came. Would you +believe it, he burst into tears,--told that the waistcoat had been given +him by his mother, and that he had been forced to give it for a debt to +Copper-Merchant, as the nasty little blackguard called me? He then +said how, for three-halfpence, he had been compelled to pay me +three shillings (the sneak! as if he had been OBLIGED to borrow the +three-halfpence!)--how all the other boys had been swindled (swindled!) +by me in like manner,--and how, with only twelve shillings, I had +managed to scrape together four guineas. . . . . + +My courage almost fails me as I describe the shameful scene that +followed. The boys were called in, my own little account-book was +dragged out of my cupboard, to prove how much I had received from each, +and every farthing of my money was paid back to them. The tyrant took +the thirty shillings that my dear parents had given me, and said he +should put them into the poor-box at church; and, after having made a +long discourse to the boys about meanness and usury, he said, “Take off +your coat, Mr. Stubbs, and restore Bunting his waistcoat.” I did, and +stood without coat and waistcoat in the midst of the nasty grinning +boys. I was going to put on my coat,-- + +“Stop!” says he. “TAKE DOWN HIS BREECHES!” + +Ruthless, brutal villain! Sam Hopkins, the biggest boy, took them +down--horsed me--and I WAS FLOGGED, SIR: yes, flogged! O revenge! I, +Robert Stubbs, who had done nothing but what was right, was brutally +flogged at ten years of age!--Though February was the shortest month, I +remembered it long. + + + + +MARCH.--SHOWERY. + +When my mamma heard of the treatment of her darling she was for bringing +an action against the schoolmaster, or else for tearing his eyes out +(when, dear soul! she would not have torn the eyes out of a flea, had it +been her own injury), and, at the very least, for having me removed from +the school where I had been so shamefully treated. But papa was stern +for once, and vowed that I had been served quite right, declared that +I should not be removed from school, and sent old Swishtail a brace +of pheasants for what he called his kindness to me. Of these the old +gentleman invited me to partake, and made a very queer speech at dinner, +as he was cutting them up, about the excellence of my parents, and his +own determination to be KINDER STILL to me, if ever I ventured on such +practices again. So I was obliged to give up my old trade of lending: +for the Doctor declared that any boy who borrowed should be flogged, and +any one who PAID should be flogged twice as much. There was no standing +against such a prohibition as this, and my little commerce was ruined. + +I was not very high in the school: not having been able to get farther +than that dreadful Propria quae maribus in the Latin grammar, of which, +though I have it by heart even now, I never could understand a syllable: +but, on account of my size, my age, and the prayers of my mother, was +allowed to have the privilege of the bigger boys, and on holidays to +walk about in the town. Great dandies we were, too, when we thus went +out. I recollect my costume very well: a thunder-and-lightning coat, a +white waistcoat embroidered neatly at the pockets, a lace frill, a pair +of knee-breeches, and elegant white cotton or silk stockings. This did +very well, but still I was dissatisfied: I wanted A PAIR OF BOOTS. Three +boys in the school had boots--I was mad to have them too. + +But my papa, when I wrote to him, would not hear of it; and three +pounds, the price of a pair, was too large a sum for my mother to take +from the housekeeping, or for me to pay, in the present impoverished +state of my exchequer; but the desire for the boots was so strong, that +have them I must at any rate. + +There was a German bootmaker who had just set up in OUR town in those +days, who afterwards made his fortune in London. I determined to have +the boots from him, and did not despair, before the end of a year or +two, either to leave the school, when I should not mind his dunning me, +or to screw the money from mamma, and so pay him. + +So I called upon this man--Stiffelkind was his name--and he took my +measure for a pair. + +“You are a vary yong gentleman to wear dop-boots,” said the shoemaker. + +“I suppose, fellow,” says I, “that is my business and not yours. Either +make the boots or not--but when you speak to a man of my rank, speak +respectfully!” And I poured out a number of oaths, in order to impress +him with a notion of my respectability. + +They had the desired effect. “Stay, sir,” says he. “I have a nice littel +pair of dop-boots dat I tink will jost do for you.” And he produced, +sure enough, the most elegant things I ever saw. “Day were made,” said +he, “for de Honorable Mr. Stiffney, of de Gards, but were too small.” + +“Ah, indeed!” said I. “Stiffney is a relation of mine. And what, you +scoundrel, will you have the impudence to ask for these things?” He +replied, “Three pounds.” + +“Well,” said I, “they are confoundedly dear; but, as you will have a +long time to wait for your money, why, I shall have my revenge you see.” + The man looked alarmed, and began a speech: “Sare,--I cannot let dem go +vidout”--but a bright thought struck me, and I interrupted--“Sir! don't +sir me. Take off the boots, fellow, and, hark ye, when you speak to a +nobleman, don't say--Sir.” + +“A hundert tousand pardons, my lort,” says he: “if I had known you were +a lort, I vood never have called you--Sir. Vat name shall I put down in +my books?” + +“Name?--oh! why, Lord Cornwallis, to be sure,” said I, as I walked off +in the boots. + +“And vat shall I do vid my lort's shoes?” + +“Keep them until I send for them,” said I. And, giving him a patronizing +bow, I walked out of the shop, as the German tied up my shoes in paper. + +***** + +This story I would not have told, but that my whole life turned upon +these accursed boots. I walked back to school as proud as a peacock, and +easily succeeded in satisfying the boys as to the manner in which I came +by my new ornaments. + +Well, one fatal Monday morning--the blackest of all black-Mondays that +ever I knew--as we were all of us playing between school-hours, I saw a +posse of boys round a stranger, who seemed to be looking out for one of +us. A sudden trembling seized me--I knew it was Stiffelkind. What had +brought him here? He talked loud, and seemed angry. So I rushed into +the school-room, and burying my head between my hands, began reading for +dear life. + +“I vant Lort Cornvallis,” said the horrid bootmaker. “His lortship +belongs, I know, to dis honorable school, for I saw him vid de boys at +chorch yesterday.” + +“Lord who?” + +“Vy, Lort Cornvallis to be sure--a very fat yong nobeman, vid red hair: +he squints a little, and svears dreadfully.” + +“There's no Lord Cornvallis here,” said one; and there was a pause. + +“Stop! I have it,” says that odious Bunting. “IT MUST BE STUBBS!” And +“Stubbs! Stubbs!” every one cried out, while I was so busy at my book as +not to hear a word. + +At last, two of the biggest chaps rushed into the schoolroom, and +seizing each an arm, run me into the playground--bolt up against the +shoemaker. + +“Dis is my man. I beg your lortship's pardon,” says he, “I have brought +your lortship's shoes, vich you left. See, dey have been in dis parcel +ever since you vent avay in my boots.” + +“Shoes, fellow!” says I. “I never saw your face before!” For I knew +there was nothing for it but brazening it out. “Upon the honor of a +gentleman!” said I, turning round to the boys. They hesitated; and if +the trick had turned in my favor, fifty of them would have seized hold +of Stiffelkind and drubbed him soundly. + +“Stop!” says Bunting (hang him!) “Let's see the shoes. If they fit him, +why then the cobbler's right.” They did fit me; and not only that, but +the name of STUBBS was written in them at full length. + +“Vat!” said Stiffelkind. “Is he not a lort? So help me Himmel, I never +did vonce tink of looking at de shoes, which have been lying ever since +in dis piece of brown paper.” And then, gathering anger as he went on, +he thundered out so much of his abuse of me, in his German-English, that +the boys roared with laughter. Swishtail came in in the midst of the +disturbance, and asked what the noise meant. + +“It's only Lord Cornwallis, sir,” said the boys, “battling with his +shoemaker about the price of a pair of top-boots.” + +“Oh, sir,” said I, “it was only in fun that I called myself Lord +Cornwallis.” + +“In fun!--Where are the boots? And you, sir, give me your bill.” My +beautiful boots were brought; and Stiffelkind produced his bill. “Lord +Cornwallis to Samuel Stiffelkind, for a pair of boots--four guineas.” + +“You have been fool enough, sir,” says the Doctor, looking very stern, +“to let this boy impose on you as a lord; and knave enough to charge him +double the value of the article you sold him. Take back the boots, sir! +I won't pay a penny of your bill; nor can you get a penny. As for you, +sir, you miserable swindler and cheat, I shall not flog you as I did +before, but I shall send you home: you are not fit to be the companion +of honest boys.” + +“SUPPOSE WE DUCK HIM before he goes?” piped out a very small voice. The +Doctor grinned significantly, and left the school-room; and the boys +knew by this they might have their will. They seized me and carried me +to the playground pump: they pumped upon me until I was half dead; +and the monster, Stiffelkind, stood looking on for the half-hour the +operation lasted. + +I suppose the Doctor, at last, thought I had had pumping enough, for he +rang the school-bell, and the boys were obliged to leave me. As I got +out of the trough, Stiffelkind was alone with me. “Vell, my lort,” says +he, “you have paid SOMETHING for dese boots, but not all. By Jubider, +YOU SHALL NEVER HEAR DE END OF DEM.” And I didn't. + + + + +APRIL.--FOOLING. + +After this, as you may fancy, I left this disgusting establishment, and +lived for some time along with pa and mamma at home. My education was +finished, at least mamma and I agreed that it was; and from boyhood +until hobbadyhoyhood (which I take to be about the sixteenth year of +the life of a young man, and may be likened to the month of April +when spring begins to bloom)--from fourteen until seventeen, I say, I +remained at home, doing nothing--for which I have ever since had a +great taste--the idol of my mamma, who took part in all my quarrels with +father, and used regularly to rob the weekly expenses in order to find +me in pocket-money. Poor soul! many and many is the guinea I have had +from her in that way; and so she enabled me to cut a very pretty figure. + +Papa was for having me at this time articled to a merchant, or put +to some profession; but mamma and I agreed that I was born to be a +gentleman and not a tradesman, and the army was the only place for me. +Everybody was a soldier in those times, for the French war had just +begun, and the whole country was swarming with militia regiments. “We'll +get him a commission in a marching regiment,” said my father. “As we +have no money to purchase him up, he'll FIGHT his way, I make no doubt.” + And papa looked at me with a kind of air of contempt, as much as to say +he doubted whether I should be very eager for such a dangerous way of +bettering myself. + +I wish you could have heard mamma's screech when he talked so coolly of +my going out to fight! “What! send him abroad, across the horrid, horrid +sea--to be wrecked and perhaps drowned, and only to land for the +purpose of fighting the wicked Frenchmen,--to be wounded, and perhaps +kick--kick--killed! Oh, Thomas, Thomas! would you murder me and your +boy?” There was a regular scene. However, it ended--as it always did--in +mother's getting the better, and it was settled that I should go into +the militia. And why not? The uniform is just as handsome, and the +danger not half so great. I don't think in the course of my whole +military experience I ever fought anything, except an old woman, who +had the impudence to hallo out, “Heads up, lobster!”--Well, I joined the +North Bungays, and was fairly launched into the world. + +I was not a handsome man, I know; but there was SOMETHING about +me--that's very evident--for the girls always laughed when they talked +to me, and the men, though they affected to call me a poor little +creature, squint-eyes, knock-knees, redhead, and so on, were evidently +annoyed by my success, for they hated me so confoundedly. Even at the +present time they go on, though I have given up gallivanting, as I call +it. But in the April of my existence,--that is, in anno Domini 1791, or +so--it was a different case; and having nothing else to do, and being +bent upon bettering my condition, I did some very pretty things in that +way. But I was not hot-headed and imprudent, like most young fellows. +Don't fancy I looked for beauty! Pish!--I wasn't such a fool. Nor for +temper; I don't care about a bad temper: I could break any woman's heart +in two years. What I wanted was to get on in the world. Of course I +didn't PREFER an ugly woman, or a shrew; and when the choice offered, +would certainly put up with a handsome, good-humored girl, with plenty +of money, as any honest man would. + +Now there were two tolerably rich girls in our parts: Miss Magdalen +Crutty, with twelve thousand pounds (and, to do her justice, as plain a +girl as ever I saw), and Miss Mary Waters, a fine, tall, plump, smiling, +peach-cheeked, golden-haired, white-skinned lass, with only ten. Mary +Waters lived with her uncle, the Doctor, who had helped me into the +world, and who was trusted with this little orphan charge very soon +after. My mother, as you have heard, was so fond of Bates, and Bates +so fond of little Mary, that both, at first, were almost always in our +house; and I used to call her my little wife as soon as I could speak, +and before she could walk almost. It was beautiful to see us, the +neighbors said. + +Well, when her brother, the lieutenant of an India ship, came to be +captain, and actually gave Mary five thousand pounds, when she was about +ten years old, and promised her five thousand more, there was a great +talking, and bobbing, and smiling between the Doctor and my parents, and +Mary and I were left together more than ever, and she was told to call +me her little husband. And she did; and it was considered a settled +thing from that day. She was really amazingly fond of me. + +Can any one call me mercenary after that? Though Miss Crutty had twelve +thousand, and Mary only ten (five in hand, and five in the bush), I +stuck faithfully to Mary. As a matter of course, Miss Crutty hated Miss +Waters. The fact was, Mary had all the country dangling after her, and +not a soul would come to Magdalen, for all her 12,000L. I used to be +attentive to her though (as it's always useful to be); and Mary would +sometimes laugh and sometimes cry at my flirting with Magdalen. This I +thought proper very quickly to check. “Mary,” said I, “you know that my +love for you is disinterested,--for I am faithful to you, though Miss +Crutty is richer than you. Don't fly into a rage, then, because I pay +her attentions, when you know that my heart and my promise are engaged +to you.” + +The fact is, to tell a little bit of a secret, there is nothing like the +having two strings to your bow. “Who knows?” thought I. “Mary may die; +and then where are my 10,000L.?” So I used to be very kind indeed to +Miss Crutty; and well it was that I was so: for when I was twenty and +Mary eighteen, I'm blest if news did not arrive that Captain Waters, +who was coming home to England with all his money in rupees, had been +taken--ship, rupees, self and all--by a French privateer; and Mary, +instead of 10,000L. had only 5,000L., making a difference of no less +than 350L. per annum betwixt her and Miss Crutty. + +I had just joined my regiment (the famous North Bungay Fencibles, +Colonel Craw commanding) when this news reached me; and you may fancy +how a young man, in an expensive regiment and mess, having uniforms and +what not to pay for, and a figure to cut in the world, felt at hearing +such news! “My dearest Robert,” wrote Miss Waters, “will deplore my +dear brother's loss: but not, I am sure, the money which that kind and +generous soul had promised me. I have still five thousand pounds, and +with this and your own little fortune (I had 1,000L. in the Five per +Cents!) we shall be as happy and contented as possible.” + +Happy and contented indeed! Didn't I know how my father got on with his +300L. a year, and how it was all he could do out of it to add a hundred +a year to my narrow income, and live himself! My mind was made up. I +instantly mounted the coach and flew to our village,--to Mr. Crutty's, +of course. It was next door to Doctor Bates's; but I had no business +THERE. + +I found Magdalen in the garden. “Heavens, Mr. Stubbs!” said she, as +in my new uniform I appeared before her, “I really did never--such +a handsome officer--expect to see you.” And she made as if she would +blush, and began to tremble violently. I led her to a garden-seat. I +seized her hand--it was not withdrawn. I pressed it;--I thought the +pressure was returned. I flung myself on my knees, and then I poured +into her ear a little speech which I had made on the top of the coach. +“Divine Miss Crutty,” said I; “idol of my soul! It was but to catch one +glimpse of you that I passed through this garden. I never intended to +breathe the secret passion” (oh, no; of course not) “which was wearing +my life away. You know my unfortunate pre-engagement--it is broken, +and FOR EVER! I am free;--free, but to be your slave,--your humblest, +fondest, truest slave!” And so on. . . . . + +“Oh, Mr. Stubbs,” said she, as I imprinted a kiss upon her cheek, “I +can't refuse you; but I fear you are a sad naughty man. . . . .” + +Absorbed in the delicious reverie which was caused by the dear +creature's confusion, we were both silent for a while, and should have +remained so for hours perhaps, so lost were we in happiness, had I not +been suddenly roused by a voice exclaiming from behind us-- + +“DON'T CRY, MARY! HE IS A SWINDLING, SNEAKING SCOUNDREL, AND YOU ARE +WELL RID OF HIM!” + +I turned round. O heaven, there stood Mary, weeping on Doctor Bates's +arm, while that miserable apothecary was looking at me with the utmost +scorn. The gardener, who had let me in, had told them of my arrival, +and now stood grinning behind them. “Imperence!” was my Magdalen's only +exclamation, as she flounced by with the utmost self-possession, while +I, glancing daggers at the SPIES, followed her. We retired to the +parlor, where she repeated to me the strongest assurances of her love. + +I thought I was a made man. Alas! I was only an APRIL FOOL! + + + + +MAY.--RESTORATION DAY. + +As the month of May is considered, by poets and other philosophers, to +be devoted by Nature to the great purpose of love-making, I may as well +take advantage of that season and acquaint you with the result of MY +amours. + +Young, gay, fascinating, and an ensign--I had completely won the heart +of my Magdalen; and as for Miss Waters and her nasty uncle the +Doctor, there was a complete split between us, as you may fancy; Miss +pretending, forsooth, that she was glad I had broken off the match, +though she would have given her eyes, the little minx, to have had it on +again. But this was out of the question. My father, who had all sorts of +queer notions, said I had acted like a rascal in the business; my mother +took my part, in course, and declared I acted rightly, as I always +did: and I got leave of absence from the regiment in order to press +my beloved Magdalen to marry me out of hand--knowing, from reading and +experience, the extraordinary mutability of human affairs. + +Besides, as the dear girl was seventeen years older than myself, and as +bad in health as she was in temper, how was I to know that the grim +king of terrors might not carry her off before she became mine? With the +tenderest warmth, then, and most delicate ardor, I continued to press my +suit. The happy day was fixed--the ever memorable 10th of May, 1792. +The wedding-clothes were ordered; and, to make things secure, I penned a +little paragraph for the county paper to this effect:--“Marriage in High +Life. We understand that Ensign Stubbs, of the North Bungay Fencibles, +and son of Thomas Stubbs, of Sloffemsquiggle, Esquire, is about to lead +to the hymeneal altar the lovely and accomplished daughter of Solomon +Crutty, Esquire, of the same place. A fortune of twenty thousand pounds +is, we hear, the lady's portion. 'None but the brave deserve the fair.'” + +***** + +“Have you informed your relatives, my beloved?” said I to Magdalen, one +day after sending the above notice; “will any of them attend at your +marriage?” + +“Uncle Sam will, I dare say,” said Miss Crutty, “dear mamma's brother.” + +“And who WAS your dear mamma?” said I: for Miss Crutty's respected +parent had been long since dead, and I never heard her name mentioned in +the family. + +Magdalen blushed, and cast down her eyes to the ground. “Mamma was a +foreigner,” at last she said. + +“And of what country?” + +“A German. Papa married her when she was very young:--she was not of a +very good family,” said Miss Crutty, hesitating. + +“And what care I for family, my love!” said I, tenderly kissing the +knuckles of the hand which I held. “She must have been an angel who gave +birth to you.” + +“She was a shoemaker's daughter.” + +“A GERMAN SHOEMAKER! Hang 'em,” thought I, “I have had enough of them;” + and so broke up this conversation, which did not somehow please me. + +***** + +Well, the day was drawing near: the clothes were ordered; the banns were +read. My dear mamma had built a cake about the size of a washing-tub; +and I was only waiting for a week to pass to put me in possession of +twelve thousand pounds in the FIVE per Cents, as they were in those +days, heaven bless 'em! Little did I know the storm that was brewing, +and the disappointment which was to fall upon a young man who really did +his best to get a fortune. + +***** + +“Oh, Robert,” said my Magdalen to me, two days before the match was to +come off, “I have SUCH a kind letter from uncle Sam in London. I wrote +to him as you wished. He says that he is coming down to-morrow, that he +has heard of you often, and knows your character very well; and that he +has got a VERY HANDSOME PRESENT for us! What can it be, I wonder?” + +“Is he rich, my soul's adored?” says I. + +“He is a bachelor, with a fine trade, and nobody to leave his money to.” + +“His present can't be less than a thousand pounds?” says I. + +“Or, perhaps, a silver tea-set, and some corner-dishes,” says she. + +But we could not agree to this: it was too little--too mean for a man +of her uncle's wealth; and we both determined it must be the thousand +pounds. + +“Dear good uncle! he's to be here by the coach,” says Magdalen. “Let +us ask a little party to meet him.” And so we did, and so they came: my +father and mother, old Crutty in his best wig, and the parson who was +to marry us the next day. The coach was to come in at six. And there +was the tea-table, and there was the punch-bowl, and everybody ready and +smiling to receive our dear uncle from London. + +Six o'clock came, and the coach, and the man from the “Green Dragon” + with a portmanteau, and a fat old gentleman walking behind, of whom I +just caught a glimpse--a venerable old gentleman: I thought I'd seen him +before. + +***** + +Then there was a ring at the bell; then a scuffling and bumping in the +passage: then old Crutty rushed out, and a great laughing and talking, +and “HOW ARE YOU?” and so on, was heard at the door; and then the +parlor-door was flung open, and Crutty cried out with a loud voice-- + +“Good people all! my brother-in-law, Mr. STIFFELKIND!” + +MR. STIFFELKIND!--I trembled as I heard the name! + +Miss Crutty kissed him; mamma made him a curtsy, and papa made him a +bow; and Dr. Snorter, the parson, seized his hand and shook it most +warmly: then came my turn! + +“Vat!” says he. “It is my dear goot yong frend from Doctor +Schvis'hentail's! is dis de yong gentleman's honorable moder” (mamma +smiled and made a curtsy), “and dis his fader? Sare and madam, you +should be broud of soch a sonn. And you my niece, if you have him for a +husband you vill be locky, dat is all. Vat dink you, broder Croty, and +Madame Stobbs, I 'ave made your sonn's boots! Ha--ha!” + +My mamma laughed, and said, “I did not know it, but I am sure, sir, he +has as pretty a leg for a boot as any in the whole county.” + +Old Stiffelkind roared louder. “A very nice leg, ma'am, and a very SHEAP +BOOT TOO. Vat! did you not know I make his boots? Perhaps you did not +know something else too--p'raps you did not know” (and here the monster +clapped his hand on the table and made the punch-ladle tremble in +the bowl)--“p'raps you did not know as dat yong man, dat Stobbs, dat +sneaking, baltry, squinting fellow, is as vicked as he is ogly. He bot +a pair of boots from me and never paid for dem. Dat is noting, nobody +never pays; but he bought a pair of boots, and called himself Lord +Cornvallis. And I was fool enough to believe him vonce. But look you, +niece Magdalen, I 'ave got five tousand pounds: if you marry him I vill +not give you a benny. But look you what I will gif you: I bromised you a +bresent, and I will give you DESE!” + +And the old monster produced THOSE VERY BOOTS which Swishtail had made +him take back. + +***** + +I DIDN'T marry Miss Crutty: I am not sorry for it though. She was a +nasty, ugly, ill-tempered wretch, and I've always said so ever since. + +And all this arose from those infernal boots, and that unlucky paragraph +in the county paper--I'll tell you how. + +In the first place, it was taken up as a quiz by one of the wicked, +profligate, unprincipled organs of the London press, who chose to be +very facetious about the “Marriage in High Life,” and made all sorts of +jokes about me and my dear Miss Crutty. + +Secondly, it was read in this London paper by my mortal enemy, Bunting, +who had been introduced to old Stiffelkind's acquaintance by my +adventure with him, and had his shoes made regularly by that foreign +upstart. + +Thirdly, he happened to want a pair of shoes mended at this particular +period, and as he was measured by the disgusting old High-Dutch cobbler, +he told him his old friend Stubbs was going to be married. + +“And to whom?” said old Stiffelkind. “To a voman wit geld, I vill take +my oath.” + +“Yes,” says Bunting, “a country girl--a Miss Magdalen Carotty or Crotty, +at a place called Sloffemsquiggle.” + +“SHLOFFEMSCHWIEGEL!” bursts out the dreadful bootmaker. “Mein Gott, mein +Gott! das geht nicht! I tell you, sare, it is no go. Miss Crotty is +my niece. I vill go down myself. I vill never let her marry dat +goot-for-nothing schwindler and tief.” SUCH was the language that the +scoundrel ventured to use regarding me! + + + + +JUNE.--MARROWBONES AND CLEAVERS. + +Was there ever such confounded ill-luck? My whole life has been a tissue +of ill-luck: although I have labored perhaps harder than any man to make +a fortune, something always tumbled it down. In love and in war I was +not like others. In my marriages, I had an eye to the main chance; and +you see how some unlucky blow would come and throw them over. In the +army I was just as prudent, and just as unfortunate. What with judicious +betting, and horse-swapping, good-luck at billiards, and economy, I do +believe I put by my pay every year,--and that is what few can say who +have but an allowance of a hundred a year. + +I'll tell you how it was. I used to be very kind to the young men; I +chose their horses for them, and their wine: and showed them how to play +billiards, or ecarte, of long mornings, when there was nothing better +to do. I didn't cheat: I'd rather die than cheat;--but if fellows WILL +play, I wasn't the man to say no--why should I? There was one young chap +in our regiment of whom I really think I cleared 300L. a year. + +His name was Dobble. He was a tailor's son, and wanted to be a +gentleman. A poor weak young creature; easy to be made tipsy; easy to +be cheated; and easy to be frightened. It was a blessing for him that I +found him; for if anybody else had, they would have plucked him of every +shilling. + +Ensign Dobble and I were sworn friends. I rode his horses for him, and +chose his champagne, and did everything, in fact, that a superior mind +does for an inferior,--when the inferior has got the money. We were +inseparables,--hunting everywhere in couples. We even managed to fall in +love with two sisters, as young soldiers will do, you know; for the dogs +fall in love, with every change of quarters. + +Well, once, in the year 1793 (it was just when the French had chopped +poor Louis's head off), Dobble and I, gay young chaps as ever wore sword +by side, had cast our eyes upon two young ladies by the name of Brisket, +daughters of a butcher in the town where we were quartered. The dear +girls fell in love with us, of course. And many a pleasant walk in the +country, many a treat to a tea-garden, many a smart ribbon and brooch +used Dobble and I (for his father allowed him 600L., and our purses were +in common) present to these young ladies. One day, fancy our pleasure at +receiving a note couched thus:-- + + +“DEER CAPTING STUBBS AND DOBBLE--Miss Briskets presents their +compliments, and as it is probble that our papa will be till twelve +at the corprayshun dinner, we request the pleasure of their company to +tea.” + + +Didn't we go! Punctually at six we were in the little back-parlor; we +quaffed more Bohea, and made more love, than half a dozen ordinary men +could. At nine, a little punch-bowl succeeded to the little teapot; and, +bless the girls! a nice fresh steak was frizzling on the gridiron for +our supper. Butchers were butchers then, and their parlor was their +kitchen too; at least old Brisket's was--one door leading into the +shop, and one into the yard, on the other side of which was the +slaughter-house. + +Fancy, then, our horror when, just at this critical time, we heard the +shop-door open, a heavy staggering step on the flags, and a loud husky +voice from the shop, shouting, “Hallo, Susan; hallo, Betsy! show a +light!” Dobble turned as white as a sheet; the two girls each as red as +a lobster; I alone preserved my presence of mind. “The back-door,” says +I--“The dog's in the court,” say they. “He's not so bad as the man,” + said I. “Stop!” cries Susan, flinging open the door, and rushing to the +fire. “Take THIS and perhaps it will quiet him.” + +What do you think “THIS” was? I'm blest if it was not the STEAK! + +She pushed us out, patted and hushed the dog, and was in again in a +minute. The moon was shining on the court, and on the slaughter-house, +where there hung the white ghastly-looking carcasses of a couple of +sheep; a great gutter ran down the court--a gutter of BLOOD! The dog +was devouring his beefsteak (OUR beefsteak) in silence; and we could +see through the little window the girls hustling about to pack up the +supper-things, and presently the shop-door being opened, old Brisket +entering, staggering, angry, and drunk. What's more, we could see, +perched on a high stool, and nodding politely, as if to salute old +Brisket, the FEATHER OF DOBBLE'S COCKED HAT! When Dobble saw it, he +turned white, and deadly sick; and the poor fellow, in an agony of +fright, sunk shivering down upon one of the butcher's cutting-blocks, +which was in the yard. + +We saw old Brisket look steadily (as steadily as he could) at the +confounded, impudent, pert, waggling feather; and then an idea began to +dawn upon his mind, that there was a head to the hat; and then he slowly +rose up--he was a man of six feet, and fifteen stone--he rose up, put on +his apron and sleeves, and TOOK DOWN HIS CLEAVER. + +“Betsy,” says he, “open the yard door.” But the poor girls screamed, and +flung on their knees, and begged, and wept, and did their very best +to prevent him. “OPEN THE YARD DOOR!” says he, with a thundering loud +voice; and the great bull-dog, hearing it, started up and uttered a yell +which sent me flying to the other end of the court.--Dobble couldn't +move; he was sitting on the block, blubbering like a baby. + +The door opened, and out Mr. Brisket came. + +“TO HIM, JOWLER!” says he. “KEEP HIM, JOWLER!”--and the horrid dog flew +at me, and I flew back into the corner, and drew my sword, determining +to sell my life dearly. + +“That's it,” says Brisket. “Keep him there,--good dog,--good dog! And +now, sir,” says he, turning round to Dobble, “is this your hat?” + +“Yes,” says Dobble, fit to choke with fright. + +“Well, then,” says Brisket, “it's my--(hic)--my painful duty +to--(hic)--to tell you, that as I've got your hat, I must have your +head;--it's painful, but it must be done. You'd better--(hic)--settle +yourself com--comfumarably against that--(hic)--that block, and I'll +chop it off before you can say Jack--(hic)--no, I mean Jack Robinson.” + +Dobble went down on his knees and shrieked out, “I'm an only son, Mr. +Brisket! I'll marry her, sir; I will, upon my honor, sir.--Consider my +mother, sir; consider my mother.” + +“That's it, sir,” says Brisket, “that's a good--(hic)--a good boy;--just +put your head down quietly--and I'll have it off--yes, off--as if you +were Louis the Six--the Sixtix--the Siktickleteenth.--I'll chop the +other CHAP AFTERWARDS.” + +When I heard this, I made a sudden bound back, and gave such a cry as +any man might who was in such a way. The ferocious Jowler, thinking I +was going to escape, flew at my throat; screaming furious, I flung out +my arms in a kind of desperation,--and, to my wonder, down fell the dog, +dead, and run through the body! + +***** + +At this moment a posse of people rushed in upon old Brisket,--one of +his daughters had had the sense to summon them,--and Dobble's head was +saved. And when they saw the dog lying dead at my feet, my ghastly +look, my bloody sword, they gave me no small credit for my bravery. “A +terrible fellow that Stubbs,” said they; and so the mess said, the next +day. + +I didn't tell them that the dog had committed SUICIDE--why should I? +And I didn't say a word about Dobble's cowardice. I said he was a brave +fellow, and fought like a tiger; and this prevented HIM from telling +tales. I had the dogskin made into a pair of pistol-holsters, and looked +so fierce, and got such a name for courage in our regiment, that when we +had to meet the regulars, Bob Stubbs was always the man put forward to +support the honor of the corps. The women, you know, adore courage; and +such was my reputation at this time, that I might have had my pick out +of half a dozen, with three, four, or five thousand pounds apiece, who +were dying for love of me and my red coat. But I wasn't such a fool. I +had been twice on the point of marriage, and twice disappointed; and +I vowed by all the Saints to have a wife, and a rich one. Depend upon +this, as an infallible maxim to guide you through life: IT'S AS EASY TO +GET A RICH WIFE AS A POOR ONE;--the same bait that will hook a fly will +hook a salmon. + + + + +JULY.--SUMMARY PROCEEDINGS. + +Dobble's reputation for courage was not increased by the butcher's-dog +adventure; but mine stood very high: little Stubbs was voted the boldest +chap of all the bold North Bungays. And though I must confess, what was +proved by subsequent circumstances, that nature has NOT endowed me with +a large, or even, I may say, an average share of bravery, yet a man is +very willing to flatter himself to the contrary; and, after a little +time, I got to believe that my killing the dog was an action of +undaunted courage, and that I was as gallant as any of the one hundred +thousand heroes of our army. I always had a military taste--it's only +the brutal part of the profession, the horrid fighting and blood, that I +don't like. + +I suppose the regiment was not very brave itself--being only militia; +but certain it was, that Stubbs was considered a most terrible fellow, +and I swore so much, and looked so fierce, that you would have fancied +I had made half a hundred campaigns. I was second in several duels; the +umpire in all disputes; and such a crack-shot myself, that fellows were +shy of insulting me. As for Dobble, I took him under my protection; and +he became so attached to me, that we ate, drank, and rode together every +day; his father didn't care for money, so long as his son was in good +company--and what so good as that of the celebrated Stubbs? Heigho! I +WAS good company in those days, and a brave fellow too, as I should have +remained, but for--what I shall tell the public immediately. + +It happened, in the fatal year ninety-six, that the brave North Bungays +were quartered at Portsmouth, a maritime place, which I need not +describe, and which I wish I had never seen. I might have been a General +now, or, at least, a rich man. + +The red-coats carried everything before them in those days; and I, such +a crack character as I was in my regiment, was very well received by +the townspeople: many dinners I had; many tea-parties; many lovely young +ladies did I lead down the pleasant country-dances. + +Well, although I had had the two former rebuffs in love which I have +described, my heart was still young; and the fact was, knowing that a +girl with a fortune was my only chance, I made love here as furiously as +ever. I shan't describe the lovely creatures on whom I fixed, whilst at +Portsmouth. I tried more than--several--and it is a singular fact, which +I never have been able to account for, that, successful as I was with +ladies of maturer age, by the young ones I was refused regular. + +But “faint heart never won fair lady;” and so I went on, and on, until +I had got a Miss Clopper, a tolerable rich navy-contractor's daughter, +into such a way, that I really don't think she could have refused me. +Her brother, Captain Clopper, was in a line regiment, and helped me as +much as ever he could: he swore I was such a brave fellow. + +As I had received a number of attentions from Clopper, I determined +to invite him to dinner; which I could do without any sacrifice of my +principle upon this point: for the fact is, Dobble lived at an inn, and +as he sent all his bills to his father, I made no scruple to use his +table. We dined in the coffee-room, Dobble bringing HIS friend; and +so we made a party CARRY, as the French say. Some naval officers were +occupied in a similar way at a table next to ours. + +Well--I didn't spare the bottle, either for myself or for my friends; +and we grew very talkative, and very affectionate as the drinking went +on. Each man told stories of his gallantry in the field, or amongst the +ladies, as officers will, after dinner. Clopper confided to the company +his wish that I should marry his sister, and vowed that he thought me +the best fellow in Christendom. + +Ensign Dobble assented to this. “But let Miss Clopper beware,” says he, +“for Stubbs is a sad fellow: he has had I don't know how many liaisons +already; and he has been engaged to I don't know how many women.” + +“Indeed!” says Clopper. “Come, Stubbs, tell us your adventures.” + +“Psha!” said I, modestly, “there is nothing, indeed, to tell. I have +been in love, my dear boy--who has not?--and I have been jilted--who has +not?” + +Clopper swore he would blow his sister's brains out if ever SHE served +me so. + +“Tell him about Miss Crutty,” said Dobble. “He! he! Stubbs served THAT +woman out, anyhow; she didn't jilt HIM. I'll be sworn.” + +“Really, Dobble, you are too bad, and should not mention names. The +fact is, the girl was desperately in love with me, and had money--sixty +thousand pounds, upon my reputation. Well, everything was arranged, when +who should come down from London but a relation.” + +“Well, and did he prevent the match?” + +“Prevent it--yes, sir, I believe you he did; though not in the sense +that YOU mean. He would have given his eyes--ay, and ten thousand pounds +more--if I would have accepted the girl, but I would not.” + +“Why, in the name of goodness?” + +“Sir, her uncle was a SHOEMAKER. I never would debase myself by marrying +into such a family.” + +“Of course not,” said Dobble; “he couldn't, you know. Well, now--tell +him about the other girl, Mary Waters, you know.” + +“Hush, Dobble, hush! don't you see one of those naval officers has +turned round and heard you? My dear Clopper, it was a mere childish +bagatelle.” + +“Well, but let's have it,” said Clopper--“let's have it. I won't tell my +sister, you know.” And he put his hand to his nose and looked monstrous +wise. + +“Nothing of that sort, Clopper--no, no--'pon honor--little Bob Stubbs is +no LIBERTINE; and the story is very simple. You see that my father has a +small place, merely a few hundred acres, at Sloffemsquiggle. Isn't it +a funny name? Hang it, there's the naval gentleman staring again,”--(I +looked terribly fierce as I returned this officer's stare, and continued +in a loud careless voice). Well, at this Sloffemsquiggle there lived +a girl, a Miss Waters, the niece of some blackguard apothecary in the +neighborhood; but my mother took a fancy to the girl, and had her up to +the park and petted her. We were both young--and--and--the girl fell in +love with me, that's the fact. I was obliged to repel some rather warm +advances that she made me; and here, upon my honor as a gentleman, you +have all the story about which that silly Dobble makes such a noise. + +Just as I finished this sentence. I found myself suddenly taken by the +nose, and a voice shouting out,-- + +“Mr. Stubbs, you are A LIAR AND A SCOUNDREL! Take this, sir,--and this, +for daring to meddle with the name of an innocent lady.” + +I turned round as well as I could--for the ruffian had pulled me out +of my chair--and beheld a great marine monster, six feet high, who was +occupied in beating and kicking me, in the most ungentlemanly manner, +on my cheeks, my ribs, and between the tails of my coat. “He is a liar, +gentlemen, and a scoundrel! The bootmaker had detected him in swindling, +and so his niece refused him. Miss Waters was engaged to him from +childhood, and he deserted her for the bootmaker's niece, who was +richer.”--And then sticking a card between my stock and my coat-collar, +in what is called the scruff of my neck, the disgusting brute gave me +another blow behind my back, and left the coffee-room with his friends. + +Dobble raised me up; and taking the card from my neck, read, CAPTAIN +WATERS. Clopper poured me out a glass of water, and said in my ear, “If +this is true, you are an infernal scoundrel, Stubbs; and must fight me, +after Captain Waters;” and he flounced out of the room. + +I had but one course to pursue. I sent the Captain a short and +contemptuous note, saying that he was beneath my anger. As for Clopper, +I did not condescend to notice his remark but in order to get rid of the +troublesome society of these low blackguards, I determined to gratify +an inclination I had long entertained, and make a little tour. I applied +for leave of absence, and set off THAT VERY NIGHT. I can fancy the +disappointment of the brutal Waters, on coming, as he did, the next +morning to my quarters and finding me GONE. Ha! ha! + +After this adventure I became sick of a military life--at least the life +of my own regiment, where the officers, such was their unaccountable +meanness and prejudice against me, absolutely refused to see me at mess. +Colonel Craw sent me a letter to this effect, which I treated as it +deserved.--I never once alluded to it in any way, and have since never +spoken a single word to any man in the North Bungays. + + + + +AUGUST.--DOGS HAVE THEIR DAYS. + +See, now, what life is! I have had ill-luck on ill-luck from that day +to this. I have sunk in the world, and, instead of riding my horse and +drinking my wine, as a real gentleman should, have hardly enough now to +buy a pint of ale; ay, and am very glad when anybody will treat me to +one. Why, why was I born to undergo such unmerited misfortunes? + +You must know that very soon after my adventure with Miss Crutty, and +that cowardly ruffian, Captain Waters (he sailed the day after his +insult to me, or I should most certainly have blown his brains out; NOW +he is living in England, and is my relation; but, of course, I cut the +fellow)--very soon after these painful events another happened, which +ended, too, in a sad disappointment. My dear papa died, and, instead of +leaving five thousand pounds, as I expected at the very least, left only +his estate, which was worth but two. The land and house were left to +me; to mamma and my sisters he left, to be sure, a sum of two thousand +pounds in the hands of that eminent firm Messrs. Pump, Aldgate and Co., +which failed within six months after his demise, and paid in five years +about one shilling and ninepence in the pound; which really was all my +dear mother and sisters had to live upon. + +The poor creatures were quite unused to money matters; and, would you +believe it? when the news came of Pump and Aldgate's failure, mamma only +smiled, and threw her eyes up to heaven, and said, “Blessed be God, that +we have still wherewithal to live. There are tens of thousands in this +world, dear children, who would count our poverty riches.” And with this +she kissed my two sisters, who began to blubber, as girls always will +do, and threw their arms round her neck, and then round my neck, until I +was half stifled with their embraces, and slobbered all over with their +tears. + +“Dearest mamma,” said I, “I am very glad to see the noble manner in +which you bear your loss; and more still to know that you are so rich +as to be able to put up with it.” The fact was, I really thought the +old lady had got a private hoard of her own, as many of them have--a +thousand pounds or so in a stocking. Had she put by thirty pounds a +year, as well she might, for the thirty years of her marriage, there +would have been nine hundred pounds clear, and no mistake. But still +I was angry to think that any such paltry concealment had been +practised--concealment too of MY money; so I turned on her pretty +sharply, and continued my speech. “You say, Ma'am, that you are rich, +and that Pump and Aldgate's failure has no effect upon you. I am very +happy to hear you say so, Ma'am--very happy that you ARE rich; and I +should like to know where your property, my father's property, for +you had none of your own,--I should like to know where this money +lies--WHERE YOU HAVE CONCEALED IT, Ma'am; and, permit me to say, that +when I agreed to board you and my two sisters for eighty pounds a year, +I did not know that you had OTHER resources than those mentioned in my +blessed father's will.” + +This I said to her because I hated the meanness of concealment, not +because I lost by the bargain of boarding them: for the three poor +things did not eat much more than sparrows: and I've often since +calculated that I had a clear twenty pounds a year profit out of them. + +Mamma and the girls looked quite astonished when I made the speech. +“What does he mean?” said Lucy to Eliza. + +Mamma repeated the question. “My beloved Robert, what concealment are +you talking of?” + +“I am talking of concealed property, Ma'am,” says I sternly. + +“And do you--what--can you--do you really suppose that I have +concealed--any of that blessed sa-a-a-aint's prop-op-op-operty?” screams +out mamma. “Robert,” says she--“Bob, my own darling boy--my fondest, +best beloved, now HE is gone” (meaning my late governor--more +tears)--“you don't, you cannot fancy that your own mother, who bore you, +and nursed you, and wept for you, and would give her all to save you +from a moment's harm--you don't suppose that she would che-e-e-eat you!” + And here she gave a louder screech than ever, and flung back on the +sofa; and one of my sisters went and tumbled into her arms, and t'other +went round, and the kissing and slobbering scene went on again, only I +was left out, thank goodness. I hate such sentimentality. + +“CHE-E-E-EAT ME,” says I, mocking her. “What do you mean, then, by +saying you're so rich? Say, have you got money, or have you not?” (And I +rapped out a good number of oaths, too, which I don't put in here; but I +was in a dreadful fury, that's the fact.) + +“So help me heaven,” says mamma, in answer, going down on her knees and +smacking her two hands, “I have but a Queen Anne's guinea in the whole +of this wicked world.” + +“Then what, Madam, induces you to tell these absurd stories to me, and +to talk about your riches, when you know that you and your daughters are +beggars, Ma'am--BEGGARS?” + +“My dearest boy, have we not got the house, and the furniture, and a +hundred a year still; and have you not great talents, which will make +all our fortunes?” says Mrs. Stubbs, getting up off her knees, and +making believe to smile as she clawed hold of my hand and kissed it. + +This was TOO cool. “YOU have got a hundred a year, Ma'am,” says I--“YOU +have got a house? Upon my soul and honor this is the first I ever heard +of it; and I'll tell you what, Ma'am,” says I (and it cut her PRETTY +SHARPLY too): “as you've got it, YOU'D BETTER GO AND LIVE IN IT. I've +got quite enough to do with my own house, and every penny of my own +income.” + +Upon this speech the old lady said nothing, but she gave a screech loud +enough to be heard from here to York, and down she fell--kicking and +struggling in a regular fit. + +***** + +I did not see Mrs. Stubbs for some days after this, and the girls used +to come down to meals, and never speak; going up again and stopping with +their mother. At last, one day, both of them came in very solemn to +my study, and Eliza, the eldest, said, “Robert, mamma has paid you our +board up to Michaelmas.” + +“She has,” says I; for I always took precious good care to have it in +advance. + +“She says, Robert, That on Michaelmas day--we'll--we'll go away, +Robert.” + +“Oh, she's going to her own house, is she, Lizzy? Very good. She'll want +the furniture, I suppose, and that she may have too, for I'm going to +sell the place myself.” And so THAT matter was settled. + +***** + +On Michaelmas day--and during these two months I hadn't, I do believe, +seen my mother twice (once, about two o'clock in the morning, I woke and +found her sobbing over my bed)--on Michaelmas-day morning, Eliza +comes to me and says, “ROBERT, THEY WILL COME AND FETCH US AT SIX THIS +EVENING.” Well, as this was the last day, I went and got the best goose +I could find (I don't think I ever saw a primer, or ate more hearty +myself), and had it roasted at three, with a good pudding afterwards; +and a glorious bowl of punch. “Here's a health to you, dear girls,” says +I, “and you, Ma, and good luck to all three; and as you've not eaten a +morsel, I hope you won't object to a glass of punch. It's the old stuff, +you know, Ma'am, that that Waters sent to my father fifteen years ago.” + +Six o'clock came, and with it came a fine barouche. As I live, Captain +Waters was on the box (it was his coach); that old thief, Bates, jumped +out, entered my house, and before I could say Jack Robinson, whipped off +mamma to the carriage: the girls followed, just giving me a hasty shake +of the hand; and as mamma was helped in, Mary Waters, who was sitting +inside, flung her arms round her, and then round the girls; and the +Doctor, who acted footman, jumped on the box, and off they went; taking +no more notice of ME than if I'd been a nonentity. + +Here's a picture of the whole business:--Mamma and Miss Waters are +sitting kissing each other in the carriage, with the two girls in the +back seat: Waters is driving (a precious bad driver he is too); and I'm +standing at the garden door, and whistling. That old fool Mary Malowney +is crying behind the garden gate: she went off next day along with the +furniture; and I to get into that precious scrape which I shall mention +next. + + + + +SEPTEMBER.--PLUCKING A GOOSE. + +After my papa's death, as he left me no money, and only a little land, +I put my estate into an auctioneer's hands, and determined to amuse +my solitude with a trip to some of our fashionable watering-places. My +house was now a desert to me. I need not say how the departure of my +dear parent, and her children, left me sad and lonely. + +Well, I had a little ready money, and, for the estate, expected a couple +of thousand pounds. I had a good military-looking person: for though I +had absolutely cut the old North Bungays (indeed, after my affair with +Waters, Colonel Craw hinted to me, in the most friendly manner, that +I had better resign)--though I had left the army, I still retained the +rank of Captain; knowing the advantages attendant upon that title in a +watering-place tour. + +Captain Stubbs became a great dandy at Cheltenham, Harrogate, Bath, +Leamington, and other places. I was a good whist and billiard player; +so much so, that in many of these towns, the people used to refuse, at +last, to play with me, knowing how far I was their superior. Fancy my +surprise, about five years after the Portsmouth affair, when strolling +one day up the High Street, in Leamington, my eyes lighted upon a young +man, whom I remembered in a certain butcher's yard, and elsewhere--no +other, in fact, than Dobble. He, too, was dressed en militaire, with +a frogged coat and spurs; and was walking with a showy-looking, +Jewish-faced, black-haired lady, glittering with chains and rings, with +a green bonnet and a bird-of-Paradise--a lilac shawl, a yellow gown, +pink silk stockings, and light-blue shoes. Three children, and a +handsome footman, were walking behind her, and the party, not seeing me, +entered the “Royal Hotel” together. + +I was known myself at the “Royal,” and calling one of the waiters, +learned the names of the lady and gentleman. He was Captain Dobble, the +son of the rich army-clothier, Dobble (Dobble, Hobble and Co. of Pall +Mall);--the lady was a Mrs. Manasseh, widow of an American Jew, living +quietly at Leamington with her children, but possessed of an immense +property. There's no use to give one's self out to be an absolute +pauper: so the fact is, that I myself went everywhere with the character +of a man of very large means. My father had died, leaving me immense +sums of money, and landed estates. Ah! I was the gentleman then, the +real gentleman, and everybody was too happy to have me at table. + +Well, I came the next day, and left a card for Dobble, with a note. He +neither returned my visit, nor answered my note. The day after, however, +I met him with the widow, as before; and going up to him, very kindly +seized him by the hand, and swore I was--as really was the case--charmed +to see him. Dobble hung back, to my surprise, and I do believe the +creature would have cut me, if he dared; but I gave him a frown, and +said-- + +“What, Dobble, my boy, don't you recollect old Stubbs, and our adventure +with the butcher's daughters--ha?” + +Dobble gave a sickly kind of grin, and said, “Oh! ah! yes! It is--yes! +it is, I believe, Captain Stubbs.” + +“An old comrade, Madam, of Captain Dobble's, and one who has heard so +much, and seen so much of your ladyship, that he must take the liberty +of begging his friend to introduce him.” + +Dobble was obliged to take the hint; and Captain Stubbs was duly +presented to Mrs. Manasseh. The lady was as gracious as possible; and +when, at the end of the walk, we parted, she said “she hoped Captain +Dobble would bring me to her apartments that evening, where she expected +a few friends.” Everybody, you see, knows everybody at Leamington; and +I, for my part, was well known as a retired officer of the army, who, +on his father's death, had come into seven thousand a year. Dobble's +arrival had been subsequent to mine; but putting up as he did at the +“Royal Hotel,” and dining at the ordinary there with the widow, he had +made her acquaintance before I had. I saw, however, that if I allowed +him to talk about me, as he could, I should be compelled to give up all +my hopes and pleasures at Leamington; and so I determined to be short +with him. As soon as the lady had gone into the hotel, my friend Dobble +was for leaving me likewise; but I stopped him and said, “Mr. Dobble, I +saw what you meant just now: you wanted to cut me, because, forsooth, I +did not choose to fight a duel at Portsmouth. Now look you, Dobble, I +am no hero, but I'm not such a coward as you--and you know it. You are +a very different man to deal with from Waters; and I WILL FIGHT this +time.” + +Not perhaps that I would: but after the business of the butcher, I knew +Dobble to be as great a coward as ever lived; and there never was any +harm in threatening, for you know you are not obliged to stick to it +afterwards. My words had their effect upon Dobble, who stuttered and +looked red, and then declared he never had the slightest intention of +passing me by; so we became friends, and his mouth was stopped. + +He was very thick with the widow, but that lady had a very capacious +heart, and there were a number of other gentlemen who seemed equally +smitten with her. “Look at that Mrs. Manasseh,” said a gentleman (it +was droll, HE was a Jew, too) sitting at dinner by me. “She is old, +and ugly, and yet, because she has money, all the men are flinging +themselves at her.” + +“She has money, has she?” + +“Eighty thousand pounds, and twenty thousand for each of her children. +I know it FOR A FACT,” said the strange gentleman. “I am in the law, +and we of our faith, you know, know pretty well what the great families +amongst us are worth.” + +“Who was Mr. Manasseh?” said I. + +“A man of enormous wealth--a tobacco-merchant--West Indies; a fellow of +no birth, however; and who, between ourselves, married a woman that is +not much better than she should be. My dear sir,” whispered he, “she +is always in love. Now it is with that Captain Dobble; last week it was +somebody else--and it may be you next week, if--ha! ha! ha!--you are +disposed to enter the lists. I wouldn't, for MY part, have the woman +with twice her money.” + +What did it matter to me whether the woman was good or not, provided +she was rich? My course was quite clear. I told Dobble all that this +gentleman had informed me, and being a pretty good hand at making a +story, I made the widow appear SO bad, that the poor fellow was quite +frightened, and fairly quitted the field. Ha! ha! I'm dashed if I did +not make him believe that Mrs. Manasseh had MURDERED her last husband. + +I played my game so well, thanks to the information that my friend the +lawyer had given me, that in a month I had got the widow to show a most +decided partiality for me. I sat by her at dinner, I drank with her +at the “Wells”--I rode with her, I danced with her, and at a picnic to +Kenilworth, where we drank a good deal of champagne, I actually popped +the question, and was accepted. In another month, Robert Stubbs, Esq., +led to the altar, Leah, widow of the late Z. Manasseh, Esq., of St. +Kitt's! + +***** + +We drove up to London in her comfortable chariot: the children and +servants following in a post-chaise. I paid, of course, for everything; +and until our house in Berkeley Square was painted, we stopped at +“Stevens's Hotel.” + +***** + +My own estate had been sold, and the money was lying at a bank in the +City. About three days after our arrival, as we took our breakfast in +the hotel, previous to a visit to Mrs. Stubbs's banker, where certain +little transfers were to be made, a gentleman was introduced, who, I saw +at a glance, was of my wife's persuasion. + +He looked at Mrs. Stubbs, and made a bow. “Perhaps it will be convenient +to you to pay this little bill, one hundred and fifty-two pounds?” + +“My love,” says she, “will you pay this--it is a trifle which I had +really forgotten?” + +“My soul!” said I, “I have really not the money in the house.” + +“Vel, denn, Captain Shtubbsh,” says he, “I must do my duty--and arrest +you--here is the writ! Tom, keep the door?” My wife fainted--the +children screamed, and I fancy my condition as I was obliged to march +off to a spunging-house along with a horrid sheriff's officer? + + + + +OCTOBER.--MARS AND VENUS IN OPPOSITION. + +I shall not describe my feelings when I found myself in a cage in +Cursitor Street, instead of that fine house in Berkeley Square, which +was to have been mine as the husband of Mrs. Manasseh. What a place!--in +an odious, dismal street leading from Chancery Lane. A hideous Jew boy +opened the second of three doors and shut it when Mr. Nabb and I (almost +fainting) had entered; then he opened the third door, and then I was +introduced to a filthy place called a coffee-room, which I exchanged for +the solitary comfort of a little dingy back-parlor, where I was left for +a while to brood over my miserable fate. Fancy the change between this +and Berkeley Square! Was I, after all my pains, and cleverness, and +perseverance, cheated at last? Had this Mrs. Manasseh been imposing +upon me, and were the words of the wretch I met at the table-d'hote at +Leamington only meant to mislead me and take me in? I determined to send +for my wife, and know the whole truth. I saw at once that I had been the +victim of an infernal plot, and that the carriage, the house in town, +the West India fortune, were only so many lies which I had blindly +believed. It was true that the debt was but a hundred and fifty pounds; +and I had two thousand at my bankers'. But was the loss of HER 80,000L. +nothing? Was the destruction of my hopes nothing? The accursed addition +to my family of a Jewish wife and three Jewish children, nothing? And +all these I was to support out of my two thousand pounds. I had better +have stopped at home with my mamma and sisters, whom I really did love, +and who produced me eighty pounds a year. + +I had a furious interview with Mrs. Stubbs; and when I charged her, the +base wretch! with cheating me, like a brazen serpent as she was, she +flung back the cheat in my teeth, and swore I had swindled her. Why did +I marry her, when she might have had twenty others? She only took me, +she said, because I had twenty thousand pounds. I HAD said I possessed +that sum; but in love, you know, and war all's fair. + +We parted quite as angrily as we met; and I cordially vowed that when I +had paid the debt into which I had been swindled by her, I would take +my 2,000L. and depart to some desert island; or, at the very least, to +America, and never see her more, or any of her Israelitish brood. There +was no use in remaining in the spunging-house (for I knew that there +were such things as detainers, and that where Mrs. Stubbs owed a hundred +pounds, she might owe a thousand) so I sent for Mr. Nabb, and tendering +him a cheque for 150L. and his costs, requested to be let out forthwith. +“Here, fellow,” said I, “is a cheque on Child's for your paltry sum.” + +“It may be a sheck on Shild's,” says Mr. Nabb; “but I should be a baby +to let you out on such a paper as dat.” + +“Well,” said I, “Child's is but a step from this: you may go and get the +cash,--just give me an acknowledgment.” + +Nabb drew out the acknowledgment with great punctuality, and set off +for the bankers', whilst I prepared myself for departure from this +abominable prison. + +He smiled as he came in. “Well,” said I, “you have touched your money; +and now, I must tell you, that you are the most infernal rogue and +extortioner I ever met with.” + +“Oh, no, Mishter Shtubbsh,” says he, grinning still. “Dere is som +greater roag dan me,--mosh greater.” + +“Fellow,” said I, “don't stand grinning before a gentleman; but give me +my hat and cloak, and let me leave your filthy den.” + +“Shtop, Shtubbsh,” says he, not even Mistering me this time. “Here ish a +letter, vich you had better read.” + +I opened the letter; something fell to the ground:--it was my cheque. + +The letter ran thus: “Messrs. Child and Co. present their compliments to +Captain Stubbs, and regret that they have been obliged to refuse payment +of the enclosed, having been served this day with an attachment by +Messrs. Solomonson and Co., which compels them to retain Captain Stubbs' +balance of 2,010L. 11s. 6d. until the decision of the suit of Solomonson +v. Stubbs. + +“FLEET STREET.” + +“You see,” says Mr. Nabb, as I read this dreadful letter--“you see, +Shtubbsh, dere vas two debts,--a little von and a big von. So dey +arrested you for de little von, and attashed your money for de big von.” + +Don't laugh at me for telling this story. If you knew what tears are +blotting over the paper as I write it--if you knew that for weeks after +I was more like a madman than a sane man,--a madman in the Fleet Prison, +where I went instead of to the desert island! What had I done to deserve +it? Hadn't I always kept an eye to the main chance? Hadn't I lived +economically, and not like other young men? Had I ever been known to +squander or give away a single penny? No! I can lay my hand on my heart, +and, thank heaven, say, No! Why, why was I punished so? + +Let me conclude this miserable history. Seven months--my wife saw me +once or twice, and then dropped me altogether--I remained in that fatal +place. I wrote to my dear mamma, begging her to sell her furniture, but +got no answer. All my old friends turned their backs upon me. My action +went against me--I had not a penny to defend it. Solomonson proved my +wife's debt, and seized my two thousand pounds. As for the detainer +against me, I was obliged to go through the court for the relief of +insolvent debtors. I passed through it, and came out a beggar. But +fancy the malice of that wicked Stiffelkind: he appeared in court as my +creditor for 3L., with sixteen years' interest at five per cent, for a +PAIR OF TOP-BOOTS. The old thief produced them in court, and told the +whole story--Lord Cornwallis, the detection, the pumping and all. + +Commissioner Dubobwig was very funny about it. “So Doctor Swishtail +would not pay you for the boots, eh, Mr. Stiffelkind?” + +“No: he said, ven I asked him for payment, dey was ordered by a yong +boy, and I ought to have gone to his schoolmaster.” + +“What! then you came on a BOOTLESS errand, ay, sir?” (A laugh.) + +“Bootless! no sare, I brought de boots back vid me. How de devil else +could I show dem to you?” (Another laugh.) + +“You've never SOLED 'em since, Mr. Tickleshins?” + +“I never would sell dem; I svore I never vood, on porpus to be revenged +on dat Stobbs.” + +“What! your wound has never been HEALED, eh?” + +“Vat do you mean vid your bootless errands, and your soling and healing? +I tell you I have done vat I svore to do: I have exposed him at school; +I have broak off a marriage for him, ven he vould have had tventy +tousand pound; and now I have showed him up in a court of justice. Dat +is vat I 'ave done, and dat's enough.” And then the old wretch went +down, whilst everybody was giggling and staring at poor me--as if I was +not miserable enough already. + +“This seems the dearest pair of boots you ever had in your life, Mr. +Stubbs,” said Commissioner Dubobwig very archly, and then he began to +inquire about the rest of my misfortunes. + +In the fulness of my heart I told him the whole of them: how Mr. +Solomonson the attorney had introduced me to the rich widow, Mrs. +Manasseh, who had fifty thousand pounds, and an estate in the West +Indies. How I was married, and arrested on coming to town, and cast +in an action for two thousand pounds brought against me by this very +Solomonson for my wife's debts. + +“Stop!” says a lawyer in the court. “Is this woman a showy black-haired +woman with one eye? very often drunk, with three children?--Solomonson, +short, with red hair?” + +“Exactly so,” said I, with tears in my eyes. + +“That woman has married THREE MEN within the last two years. One in +Ireland, and one at Bath. A Solomonson is, I believe, her husband, and +they both are off for America ten days ago.” + +“But why did you not keep your 2,000L.?” said the lawyer. + +“Sir, they attached it.” + +“Oh, well, we may pass you. You have been unlucky, Mr. Stubbs, but it +seems as if the biter had been bit in this affair.” + +“No,” said Mr. Dubobwig. “Mr. Stubbs is the victim of a FATAL +ATTACHMENT.” + + + + +NOVEMBER.--A GENERAL POST DELIVERY. + +I was a free man when I went out of the Court; but I was a beggar--I, +Captain Stubbs, of the bold North Bungays, did not know where I could +get a bed, or a dinner. + +As I was marching sadly down Portugal Street, I felt a hand on my +shoulder and a rough voice which I knew well. + +“Vell, Mr. Stobbs, have I not kept my promise? I told you dem boots +would be your ruin.” + +I was much too miserable to reply; and only cast my eyes towards the +roofs of the houses, which I could not see for the tears. + +“Vat! you begin to gry and blobber like a shild? you vood marry, vood +you? and noting vood do for you but a vife vid monny--ha, ha--but you +vere de pigeon, and she was de grow. She has plocked you, too, pretty +vell--eh? ha! ha!” + +“Oh, Mr. Stiffelkind,” said I, “don't laugh at my misery: she has not +left me a single shilling under heaven. And I shall starve: I do believe +I shall starve.” And I began to cry fit to break my heart. + +“Starf! stoff and nonsense! You vill never die of starfing--you vill die +of HANGING, I tink--ho! ho!--and it is moch easier vay too.” I didn't +say a word, but cried on; till everybody in the street turned round and +stared. + +“Come, come,” said Stiffelkind, “do not gry, Gaptain Stobbs--it is not +goot for a Gaptain to gry--ha! ha! Dere--come vid me, and you shall have +a dinner, and a bregfast too,--vich shall gost you nothing, until you +can bay vid your earnings.” + +And so this curious old man, who had persecuted me all through my +prosperity, grew compassionate towards me in my ill-luck; and took me +home with him as he promised. “I saw your name among de Insolvents, and +I vowed, you know, to make you repent dem boots. Dere, now, it is done +and forgotten, look you. Here, Betty, Bettchen, make de spare bed, and +put a clean knife and fork; Lort Cornvallis is come to dine vid me.” + +I lived with this strange old man for six weeks. I kept his books, and +did what little I could to make myself useful: carrying about boots and +shoes, as if I had never borne his Majesty's commission. He gave me no +money, but he fed and lodged me comfortably. The men and boys used +to laugh, and call me General, and Lord Cornwallis, and all sorts of +nicknames; and old Stiffelkind made a thousand new ones for me. + +One day I can recollect--one miserable day, as I was polishing on +the trees a pair of boots of Mr. Stiffelkind's manufacture--the old +gentleman came into the shop, with a lady on his arm. + +“Vere is Gaptain Stobbs?” said he. “Vere is dat ornament to his +Majesty's service?” + +I came in from the back shop, where I was polishing the boots, with one +of them in my hand. + +“Look, my dear,” says he, “here is an old friend of yours, his +Excellency Lort Cornvallis!--Who would have thought such a nobleman +vood turn shoeblack? Captain Stobbs, here is your former flame, my dear +niece, Miss Grotty. How could you, Magdalen, ever leaf such a lof of a +man? Shake hands vid her, Gaptain;--dere, never mind de blacking!” But +Miss drew back. + +“I never shake hands with a SHOEBLACK,” said she, mighty contemptuous. + +“Bah! my lof, his fingers von't soil you. Don't you know he has just +been VITEVASHED?” + +“I wish, uncle,” says she, “you would not leave me with such low +people.” + +“Low, because he cleans boots? De Gaptain prefers PUMPS to boots I +tink--ha! ha!” + +“Captain indeed! a nice Captain,” says Miss Crutty, snapping her fingers +in my face, and walking away: “a Captain who has had his nose pulled! +ha! ha!”--And how could I help it? it wasn't by my own CHOICE that that +ruffian Waters took such liberties with me. Didn't I show how averse I +was to all quarrels by refusing altogether his challenge?--But such is +the world. And thus the people at Stiffelkind's used to tease me, until +they drove me almost mad. + +At last he came home one day more merry and abusive than ever. +“Gaptain,” says he, “I have goot news for you--a goot place. Your +lordship vill not be able to geep your garridge, but you vill be +gomfortable, and serve his Majesty.” + +“Serve his Majesty?” says I. “Dearest Mr. Stiffelkind, have you got me a +place under Government?” + +“Yes, and somting better still--not only a place, but a uniform: yes, +Gaptain Stobbs, a RED GOAT.” + +“A red coat! I hope you don't think I would demean myself by entering +the ranks of the army? I am a gentleman, Mr. Stiffelkind--I can +never--no, I never--” + +“No, I know you will never--you are too great a goward--ha! ha!--though +dis is a red goat, and a place where you must give some HARD KNOCKS +too--ha! ha!--do you gomprehend?--and you shall be a general instead of +a gaptain--ha! ha!” + +“A general in a red coat, Mr. Stiffelkind?” + +“Yes, a GENERAL BOSTMAN!--ha! ha! I have been vid your old friend, +Bunting, and he has an uncle in the Post Office, and he has got you de +place--eighteen shillings a veek, you rogue, and your goat. You must not +oben any of de letters you know.” + +And so it was--I, Robert Stubbs, Esquire, became the vile thing he +named--a general postman! + +***** + +I was so disgusted with Stiffelkind's brutal jokes, which were now more +brutal than ever, that when I got my place in the Post Office, I never +went near the fellow again: for though he had done me a favor in +keeping me from starvation, he certainly had done it in a very rude, +disagreeable manner, and showed a low and mean spirit in SHOVING me +into such a degraded place as that of postman. But what had I to do? I +submitted to fate, and for three years or more, Robert Stubbs, of the +North Bungay Fencibles, was-- + +I wonder nobody recognized me. I lived in daily fear the first year: but +afterwards grew accustomed to my situation, as all great men will do, +and wore my red coat as naturally as if I had been sent into the world +only for the purpose of being a letter-carrier. + +I was first in the Whitechapel district, where I stayed for nearly three +years, when I was transferred to Jermyn Street and Duke Street--famous +places for lodgings. I suppose I left a hundred letters at a house in +the latter street, where lived some people who must have recognized me +had they but once chanced to look at me. + +You see that when I left Sloffemsquiggle, and set out in the gay world, +my mamma had written to me a dozen times at least; but I never answered +her, for I knew she wanted money, and I detest writing. Well, she +stopped her letters, finding she could get none from me:--but when I was +in the Fleet, as I told you, I wrote repeatedly to my dear mamma, and +was not a little nettled at her refusing to notice me in my distress, +which is the very time one most wants notice. + +Stubbs is not an uncommon name; and though I saw MRS. STUBBS on a little +bright brass plate, in Duke street, and delivered so many letters to the +lodgers in her house, I never thought of asking who she was, or whether +she was my relation, or not. + +One day the young woman who took in the letters had not got change, and +she called her mistress. An old lady in a poke-bonnet came out of the +parlor, and put on her spectacles, and looked at the letter, and fumbled +in her pocket for eightpence, and apologized to the postman for keeping +him waiting. And when I said, “Never mind, Ma'am, it's no trouble,” + the old lady gave a start, and then she pulled off her spectacles, and +staggered back; and then she began muttering, as if about to choke; +and then she gave a great screech, and flung herself into my arms, and +roared out, “MY SON, MY SON!” + +“Law, mamma,” said I, “is that you?” and I sat down on the hall bench +with her, and let her kiss me as much as ever she liked. Hearing the +whining and crying, down comes another lady from up stairs,--it was my +sister Eliza; and down come the lodgers. And the maid gets water and +what not, and I was the regular hero of the group. I could not stay +long then, having my letters to deliver. But, in the evening, after +mail-time, I went back to my mamma and sister; and, over a bottle of +prime old port, and a precious good leg of boiled mutton and turnips, +made myself pretty comfortable, I can tell you. + + + + +DECEMBER.--“THE WINTER OF OUR DISCONTENT.” + +Mamma had kept the house in Duke Street for more than two years. I +recollected some of the chairs and tables from dear old Sloffemsquiggle, +and the bowl in which I had made that famous rum-punch, the evening she +went away, which she and my sisters left untouched, and I was obliged to +drink after they were gone; but that's not to the purpose. + +Think of my sister Lucy's luck! that chap, Waters, fell in love with +her, and married her; and she now keeps her carriage, and lives in state +near Sloffemsquiggle. I offered to make it up with Waters; but he bears +malice, and never will see or speak to me.--He had the impudence, too, +to say, that he took in all letters for mamma at Sloffemsquiggle; and +that as mine were all begging-letters, he burned them, and never said a +word to her concerning them. He allowed mamma fifty pounds a year, and, +if she were not such a fool, she might have had three times as much; but +the old lady was high and mighty forsooth, and would not be beholden, +even to her own daughter, for more than she actually wanted. Even this +fifty pound she was going to refuse; but when I came to live with her, +of course I wanted pocket-money as well as board and lodging, and so +I had the fifty pounds for MY share, and eked out with it as well as I +could. + +Old Bates and the Captain, between them, gave mamma a hundred pounds +when she left me (she had the deuce's own luck, to be sure--much more +than ever fell to ME, I know) and as she said she WOULD try and work for +her living, it was thought best to take a house and let lodgings, which +she did. Our first and second floor paid us four guineas a week, on an +average; and the front parlor and attic made forty pounds more. Mamma +and Eliza used to have the front attic: but I took that, and they slept +in the servants' bedroom. Lizzy had a pretty genius for work, and earned +a guinea a week that way; so that we had got nearly two hundred a year +over the rent to keep house with,--and we got on pretty well. Besides, +women eat nothing: my women didn't care for meat for days together +sometimes,--so that it was only necessary to dress a good steak or so +for me. + +Mamma would not think of my continuing in the Post Office. She said +her dear Robert, her husband's son, her gallant soldier, and all that, +should remain at home and be a gentleman--which I was, certainly, though +I didn't find fifty pounds a year very much to buy clothes and be a +gentleman upon. To be sure, mother found me shirts and linen, so that +THAT wasn't in the fifty pounds. She kicked a little at paying the +washing too; but she gave in at last, for I was her dear Bob, you know; +and I'm blest if I could not make her give me the gown off her back. +Fancy! once she cut up a very nice rich black silk scarf, which my +sister Waters sent her, and made me a waistcoat and two stocks of it. +She was so VERY soft, the old lady! + +***** + +I'd lived in this way for five years or more, making myself content +with my fifty pounds a year (PERHAPS I had saved a little out of it; but +that's neither here nor there). From year's end to year's end I remained +faithful to my dear mamma, never leaving her except for a month or so +in the summer--when a bachelor may take a trip to Gravesend or Margate, +which would be too expensive for a family. I say a bachelor, for the +fact is, I don't know whether I am married or not--never having heard a +word since of the scoundrelly Mrs. Stubbs. + +I never went to the public-house before meals: for, with my beggarly +fifty pounds, I could not afford to dine away from home: but there I had +my regular seat, and used to come home PRETTY GLORIOUS, I can tell you. +Then bed till eleven; then breakfast and the newspaper; then a stroll in +Hyde Park or St. James's; then home at half-past three to dinner--when +I jollied, as I call it, for the rest of the day. I was my mother's +delight; and thus, with a clear conscience, I managed to live on. + +***** + +How fond she was of me, to be sure! Being sociable myself, and loving +to have my friends about me, we often used to assemble a company of as +hearty fellows as you would wish to sit down with, and keep the nights +up royally. “Never mind, my boys,” I used to say. “Send the bottle +round: mammy pays for all.” As she did, sure enough: and sure enough we +punished her cellar too. The good old lady used to wait upon us, as +if for all the world she had been my servant, instead of a lady and my +mamma. Never used she to repine, though I often, as I must confess, gave +her occasion (keeping her up till four o'clock in the morning, because +she never could sleep until she saw her “dear Bob” in bed, and leading +her a sad anxious life). She was of such a sweet temper, the old lady, +that I think in the course of five years I never knew her in a passion, +except twice: and then with sister Lizzy, who declared I was ruining +the house, and driving the lodgers away, one by one. But mamma would +not hear of such envious spite on my sister's part. “Her Bob” was +always right, she said. At last Lizzy fairly retreated, and went to the +Waters's.--I was glad of it, for her temper was dreadful, and we used to +be squabbling from morning till night! + +Ah, those WERE jolly times! but Ma was obliged to give up the +lodging-house at last--for, somehow, things went wrong after my sister's +departure--the nasty uncharitable people said, on account of ME; because +I drove away the lodgers by smoking and drinking, and kicking up noises +in the house; and because Ma gave me so much of her money:--so she did, +but if she WOULD give it, you know, how could I help it? Heigho! I wish +I'd KEPT it. + +No such luck. The business I thought was to last for ever: but at the +end of two years came a smash--shut up shop--sell off everything. Mamma +went to the Waters's: and, will you believe it? the ungrateful wretches +would not receive me! that Mary, you see, was SO disappointed at not +marrying me. Twenty pounds a year they allow, it is true; but what's +that for a gentleman? For twenty years I have been struggling manfully +to gain an honest livelihood, and, in the course of them, have seen a +deal of life, to be sure. I've sold cigars and pocket-handkerchiefs +at the corners of streets; I've been a billiard-marker; I've been a +director (in the panic year) of the Imperial British Consolidated Mangle +and Drying Ground Company. I've been on the stage (for two years as an +actor, and about a month as a cad, when I was very low); I've been +the means of giving to the police of this empire some very valuable +information (about licensed victuallers, gentlemen's carts, and +pawnbrokers' names); I've been very nearly an officer again--that is, +an assistant to an officer of the Sheriff of Middlesex: it was my last +place. + +On the last day of the year 1837, even THAT game was up. It's a +thing that very seldom happened to a gentleman, to be kicked out of +a spunging-house; but such was my case. Young Nabb (who succeeded his +father) drove me ignominiously from his door, because I had charged a +gentleman in the coffee-rooms seven-and-sixpence for a glass of ale and +bread and cheese, the charge of the house being only six shillings. He +had the meanness to deduct the eighteenpence from my wages, and because +I blustered a bit, he took me by the shoulders and turned me out--me, a +gentleman, and, what is more, a poor orphan! + +How I did rage and swear at him when I got out into the street! There +stood he, the hideous Jew monster, at the double door, writhing under +the effect of my language. I had my revenge! Heads were thrust out of +every bar of his windows, laughing at him. A crowd gathered round me, +as I stood pounding him with my satire, and they evidently enjoyed his +discomfiture. I think the mob would have pelted the ruffian to death +(one or two of their missiles hit ME, I can tell you), when a policeman +came up, and in reply to a gentleman, who was asking what was the +disturbance, said, “Bless you, sir, it's Lord Cornwallis.” “Move on, +BOOTS,” said the fellow to me; for the fact is, my misfortunes and early +life are pretty well known--and so the crowd dispersed. + +“What could have made that policeman call you Lord Cornwallis and +Boots?” said the gentleman, who seemed mightily amused, and had followed +me. “Sir,” says I, “I am an unfortunate officer of the North Bungay +Fencibles, and I'll tell you willingly for a pint of beer.” He told me +to follow him to his chambers in the Temple, which I did (a five-pair +back), and there, sure enough, I had the beer; and told him this very +story you've been reading. You see he is what is called a literary +man--and sold my adventures for me to the booksellers; he's a strange +chap; and says they're MORAL. + +***** + +I'm blest if I can see anything moral in them. I'm sure I ought to have +been more lucky through life, being so very wide awake. And yet here I +am, without a place, or even a friend, starving upon a beggarly twenty +pounds a year--not a single sixpence more, upon MY HONOR. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Fatal Boots, by William Makepeace Thackeray + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE FATAL BOOTS *** + +***** This file should be named 2844-0.txt or 2844-0.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/8/4/2844/ + +Produced by Donald Lainson + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. diff --git a/2844-0.zip b/2844-0.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a7c7cba --- /dev/null +++ b/2844-0.zip diff --git a/2844-h.zip b/2844-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..bbf1a5f --- /dev/null +++ b/2844-h.zip diff --git a/2844-h/2844-h.htm b/2844-h/2844-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..32839c0 --- /dev/null +++ b/2844-h/2844-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2761 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <title> + The Fatal Boots, by William Makepeace Thackeray + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + +Project Gutenberg's The Fatal Boots, by William Makepeace Thackeray + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Fatal Boots + +Author: William Makepeace Thackeray + +Release Date: May 27, 2006 [EBook #2844] +Last Updated: March 5, 2018 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE FATAL BOOTS *** + + + + +Produced by Donald Lainson; David Widger + + + + + +</pre> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h1> + THE FATAL BOOTS. + </h1> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h2> + by William Makepeace Thackeray + </h2> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + Contents + </h2> + <table summary=""> + <tr> + <td> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> <big><b>THE FATAL BOOTS</b></big> </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0003"> JANUARY.—THE BIRTH OF THE YEAR. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0004"> FEBRUARY.—CUTTING WEATHER. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0005"> MARCH.—SHOWERY. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0006"> APRIL.—FOOLING. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0007"> MAY.—RESTORATION DAY. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0008"> JUNE.—MARROWBONES AND CLEAVERS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0009"> JULY.—SUMMARY PROCEEDINGS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0010"> AUGUST.—DOGS HAVE THEIR DAYS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0011"> SEPTEMBER.—PLUCKING A GOOSE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0012"> OCTOBER.—MARS AND VENUS IN + OPPOSITION. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0013"> NOVEMBER.—A GENERAL POST DELIVERY. + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0014"> DECEMBER.—“THE WINTER OF OUR + DISCONTENT.” </a> + </p> + </td> + </tr> + </table> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h1> + THE FATAL BOOTS + </h1> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + JANUARY.—THE BIRTH OF THE YEAR. + </h2> + <p> + Some poet has observed, that if any man would write down what has really + happened to him in this mortal life, he would be sure to make a good book, + though he never had met with a single adventure from his birth to his + burial. How much more, then, must I, who HAVE had adventures, most + singular, pathetic, and unparalleled, be able to compile an instructive + and entertaining volume for the use of the public. + </p> + <p> + I don't mean to say that I have killed lions, or seen the wonders of + travel in the deserts of Arabia or Prussia; or that I have been a very + fashionable character, living with dukes and peeresses, and writing my + recollections of them, as the way now is. I never left this my native + isle, nor spoke to a lord (except an Irish one, who had rooms in our + house, and forgot to pay three weeks' lodging and extras); but, as our + immortal bard observes, I have in the course of my existence been so eaten + up by the slugs and harrows of outrageous fortune, and have been the + object of such continual and extraordinary ill-luck, that I believe it + would melt the heart of a milestone to read of it—that is, if a + milestone had a heart of anything but stone. + </p> + <p> + Twelve of my adventures, suitable for meditation and perusal during the + twelve months of the year, have been arranged by me for this work. They + contain a part of the history of a great, and, confidently I may say, a + GOOD man. I was not a spendthrift like other men. I never wronged any man + of a shilling, though I am as sharp a fellow at a bargain as any in + Europe. I never injured a fellow-creature; on the contrary, on several + occasions, when injured myself, have shown the most wonderful forbearance. + I come of a tolerably good family; and yet, born to wealth—of an + inoffensive disposition, careful of the money that I had, and eager to get + more,—I have been going down hill ever since my journey of life + began, and have been pursued by a complication of misfortunes such as + surely never happened to any man but the unhappy Bob Stubbs. + </p> + <p> + Bob Stubbs is my name; and I haven't got a shilling: I have borne the + commission of lieutenant in the service of King George, and am NOW—but + never mind what I am now, for the public will know in a few pages more. My + father was of the Suffolk Stubbses—a well-to-do gentleman of Bungay. + My grandfather had been a respected attorney in that town, and left my + papa a pretty little fortune. I was thus the inheritor of competence, and + ought to be at this moment a gentleman. + </p> + <p> + My misfortunes may be said to have commenced about a year before my birth, + when my papa, a young fellow pretending to study the law in London, fell + madly in love with Miss Smith, the daughter of a tradesman, who did not + give her a sixpence, and afterwards became bankrupt. My papa married this + Miss Smith, and carried her off to the country, where I was born, in an + evil hour for me. + </p> + <p> + Were I to attempt to describe my early years, you would laugh at me as an + impostor; but the following letter from mamma to a friend, after her + marriage, will pretty well show you what a poor foolish creature she was; + and what a reckless extravagant fellow was my other unfortunate parent:— + </p> + <p> + “TO MISS ELIZA KICKS, IN GRACECHURCH STREET, LONDON. + </p> + <p> + “OH, ELIZA! your Susan is the happiest girl under heaven! My Thomas is an + angel! not a tall grenadier-like looking fellow, such as I always vowed I + would marry:—on the contrary, he is what the world would call dumpy, + and I hesitate not to confess, that his eyes have a cast in them. But what + then? when one of his eyes is fixed on me, and one on my babe, they are + lighted up with an affection which my pen cannot describe, and which, + certainly, was never bestowed upon any woman so strongly as upon your + happy Susan Stubbs. + </p> + <p> + “When he comes home from shooting, or the farm, if you COULD see dear + Thomas with me and our dear little Bob! as I sit on one knee, and baby on + the other, and as he dances us both about. I often wish that we had Sir + Joshua, or some great painter, to depict the group; for sure it is the + prettiest picture in the whole world, to see three such loving merry + people. + </p> + <p> + “Dear baby is the most lovely little creature that CAN POSSIBLY BE,—the + very IMAGE of papa; he is cutting his teeth, and the delight of EVERYBODY. + Nurse says that, when he is older he will get rid of his squint, and his + hair will get a GREAT DEAL less red. Doctor Bates is as kind, and skilful, + and attentive as we could desire. Think what a blessing to have had him! + Ever since poor baby's birth, it has never had a day of quiet; and he has + been obliged to give it from three to four doses every week;—how + thankful ought we to be that the DEAR THING is as well as it is! It got + through the measles wonderfully; then it had a little rash; and then a + nasty hooping-cough; and then a fever, and continual pains in its poor + little stomach, crying, poor dear child, from morning till night. + </p> + <p> + “But dear Tom is an excellent nurse; and many and many a night has he had + no sleep, dear man! in consequence of the poor little baby. He walks up + and down with it FOR HOURS, singing a kind of song (dear fellow, he has no + more voice than a tea-kettle), and bobbing his head backwards and + forwards, and looking, in his nightcap and dressing-gown, SO DROLL. Oh, + Eliza! how you would laugh to see him. + </p> + <p> + “We have one of the best nursemaids IN THE WORLD,—an Irishwoman, who + is as fond of baby almost as his mother (but that can NEVER BE). She takes + it to walk in the park for hours together, and I really don't know why + Thomas dislikes her. He says she is tipsy, very often, and slovenly, which + I cannot conceive;—to be sure, the nurse is sadly dirty, and + sometimes smells very strong of gin. + </p> + <p> + “But what of that?—these little drawbacks only make home more + pleasant. When one thinks how many mothers have NO nursemaids: how many + poor dear children have no doctors: ought we not to be thankful for Mary + Malowney, and that Dr. Bates's bill is forty-seven pounds? How ill must + dear baby have been, to require so much physic! + </p> + <p> + “But they are a sad expense, these dear babies, after all. Fancy, Eliza, + how much this Mary Malowney costs us. Ten shillings every week; a glass of + brandy or gin at dinner; three pint-bottles of Mr. Thrale's best porter + every day,—making twenty-one in a week, and nine hundred and ninety + in the eleven months she has been with us. Then, for baby, there is Dr. + Bates's bill of forty-five guineas, two guineas for christening, twenty + for a grand christening supper and ball (rich uncle John mortally offended + because he was made godfather, and had to give baby a silver cup: he has + struck Thomas out of his will: and old Mr. Firkin quite as much hurt + because he was NOT asked: he will not speak to me or Thomas in + consequence) twenty guineas for flannels, laces, little gowns, caps, + napkins, and such baby's ware: and all this out of 300L. a year! But + Thomas expects to make A GREAT DEAL by his farm. + </p> + <p> + “We have got the most charming country-house YOU CAN IMAGINE: it is QUITE + SHUT IN by trees, and so retired that, though only thirty miles from + London, the post comes to us but once a week. The roads, it must be + confessed, are execrable; it is winter now, and we are up to our knees in + mud and snow. But oh, Eliza! how happy we are: with Thomas (he has had a + sad attack of rheumatism, dear man!) and little Bobby, and our kind friend + Dr. Bates, who comes so far to see us, I leave you to fancy that we have a + charming merry party, and do not care for all the gayeties of Ranelagh. + </p> + <p> + “Adieu! dear baby is crying for his mamma. A thousand kisses from your + affectionate + </p> + <p> + “SUSAN STUBBS.” + </p> + <p> + There it is! Doctor's bills, gentleman-farming, twenty-one pints of porter + a week. In this way my unnatural parents were already robbing me of my + property. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0004" id="link2H_4_0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + FEBRUARY.—CUTTING WEATHER. + </h2> + <p> + I have called this chapter “cutting weather,” partly in compliment to the + month of February, and partly in respect of my own misfortunes, which you + are going to read about. For I have often thought that January (which is + mostly twelfth-cake and holiday time) is like the first four or five years + of a little boy's life; then comes dismal February, and the working-days + with it, when chaps begin to look out for themselves, after the Christmas + and the New Year's heyday and merrymaking are over, which our infancy may + well be said to be. Well can I recollect that bitter first of February, + when I first launched out into the world and appeared at Doctor + Swishtail's academy. + </p> + <p> + I began at school that life of prudence and economy which I have carried + on ever since. My mother gave me eighteenpence on setting out (poor soul! + I thought her heart would break as she kissed me, and bade God bless me); + and, besides, I had a small capital of my own which I had amassed for a + year previous. I'll tell you, what I used to do. Wherever I saw six + halfpence I took one. If it was asked for I said I had taken it and gave + it back;—if it was not missed, I said nothing about it, as why + should I?—those who don't miss their money, don't lose their money. + So I had a little private fortune of three shillings, besides mother's + eighteenpence. At school they called me the copper-merchant, I had such + lots of it. + </p> + <p> + Now, even at a preparatory school, a well-regulated boy may better + himself: and I can tell you I did. I never was in any quarrels: I never + was very high in the class or very low: but there was no chap so much + respected:—and why? I'D ALWAYS MONEY. The other boys spent all + theirs in the first day or two, and they gave me plenty of cakes and + barley-sugar then, I can tell you. I'd no need to spend my own money, for + they would insist upon treating me. Well, in a week, when theirs was gone, + and they had but their threepence a week to look to for the rest of the + half-year, what did I do? Why, I am proud to say that three-halfpence out + of the threepence a week of almost all the young gentlemen at Dr. + Swishtail's, came into my pocket. Suppose, for instance, Tom Hicks wanted + a slice of gingerbread, who had the money? Little Bob Stubbs, to be sure. + “Hicks,” I used to say, “I'LL buy you three halfp'orth of gingerbread, if + you'll give me threepence next Saturday.” And he agreed; and next Saturday + came, and he very often could not pay me more than three-halfpence. Then + there was the threepence I was to have THE NEXT Saturday. I'll tell you + what I did for a whole half-year:—I lent a chap, by the name of Dick + Bunting, three-halfpence the first Saturday for three-pence the next: he + could not pay me more than half when Saturday came, and I'm blest if I did + not make him pay me three-halfpence FOR THREE-AND-TWENTY WEEKS RUNNING, + making two shillings and tenpence-halfpenny. But he was a sad dishonorable + fellow, Dick Bunting; for after I'd been so kind to him, and let him off + for three-and-twenty-weeks the money he owed me, holidays came, and + threepence he owed me still. Well, according to the common principles of + practice, after six-weeks' holidays, he ought to have paid me exactly + sixteen shillings, which was my due. For the + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + First week the 3d. would be 6d. | Fourth week . . . . . 4s. + Second week . . . . . 1s. | Fifth week . . . . . 8s. + Third week . . . . . 2s. | Sixth week . . . . . 16s. +</pre> + <p> + Nothing could be more just; and yet—will it be believed? when + Bunting came back he offered me THREE-HALFPENCE! the mean, dishonest + scoundrel. + </p> + <p> + However, I was even with him, I can tell you.—He spent all his money + in a fortnight, and THEN I screwed him down! I made him, besides giving me + a penny for a penny, pay me a quarter of his bread and butter at breakfast + and a quarter of his cheese at supper; and before the half-year was out, I + got from him a silver fruit-knife, a box of compasses, and a very pretty + silver-laced waistcoat, in which I went home as proud as a king: and, + what's more, I had no less than three golden guineas in the pocket of it, + besides fifteen shillings, the knife, and a brass bottle-screw, which I + got from another chap. It wasn't bad interest for twelve shillings—which + was all the money I'd had in the year—was it? Heigho! I've often + wished that I could get such a chance again in this wicked world; but men + are more avaricious now than they used to be in those dear early days. + </p> + <p> + Well, I went home in my new waistcoat as fine as a peacock; and when I + gave the bottle-screw to my father, begging him to take it as a token of + my affection for him, my dear mother burst into such a fit of tears as I + never saw, and kissed and hugged me fit to smother me. “Bless him, bless + him,” says she, “to think of his old father. And where did you purchase + it, Bob?”—“Why, mother,” says I, “I purchased it out of my savings” + (which was as true as the gospel).—When I said this, mother looked + round to father, smiling, although she had tears in her eyes, and she took + his hand, and with her other hand drew me to her. “Is he not a noble boy?” + says she to my father: “and only nine years old!”—“Faith,” says my + father, “he IS a good lad, Susan. Thank thee, my boy: and here is a + crown-piece in return for thy bottle-screw—it shall open us a bottle + of the very best too,” says my father. And he kept his word. I always was + fond of good wine (though never, from a motive of proper self-denial, + having any in my cellar); and, by Jupiter! on this night I had my little + skinful,—for there was no stinting,—so pleased were my dear + parents with the bottle-screw. The best of it was, it only cost me + threepence originally, which a chap could not pay me. + </p> + <p> + Seeing this game was such a good one, I became very generous towards my + parents; and a capital way it is to encourage liberality in children. I + gave mamma a very neat brass thimble, and she gave me a half-guinea piece. + Then I gave her a very pretty needle-book, which I made myself with an ace + of spades from a new pack of cards we had, and I got Sally, our maid, to + cover it with a bit of pink satin her mistress had given her; and I made + the leaves of the book, which I vandyked very nicely, out of a piece of + flannel I had had round my neck for a sore throat. It smelt a little of + hartshorn, but it was a beautiful needle-book; and mamma was so delighted + with it, that she went into town and bought me a gold-laced hat. Then I + bought papa a pretty china tobacco-stopper: but I am sorry to say of my + dear father that he was not so generous as my mamma or myself, for he only + burst out laughing, and did not give me so much as a half-crown piece, + which was the least I expected from him. “I shan't give you anything, Bob, + this time,” says he; “and I wish, my boy, you would not make any more such + presents,—for, really, they are too expensive.” Expensive indeed! I + hate meanness,—even in a father. + </p> + <p> + I must tell you about the silver-edged waistcoat which Bunting gave me. + Mamma asked me about it, and I told her the truth,—that it was a + present from one of the boys for my kindness to him. Well, what does she + do but writes back to Dr. Swishtail, when I went to school, thanking him + for his attention to her dear son, and sending a shilling to the good and + grateful little boy who had given me the waistcoat! + </p> + <p> + “What waistcoat is it,” says the Doctor to me, “and who gave it to you?” + </p> + <p> + “Bunting gave it me, sir,” says I. + </p> + <p> + “Call Bunting!” and up the little ungrateful chap came. Would you believe + it, he burst into tears,—told that the waistcoat had been given him + by his mother, and that he had been forced to give it for a debt to + Copper-Merchant, as the nasty little blackguard called me? He then said + how, for three-halfpence, he had been compelled to pay me three shillings + (the sneak! as if he had been OBLIGED to borrow the three-halfpence!)—how + all the other boys had been swindled (swindled!) by me in like manner,—and + how, with only twelve shillings, I had managed to scrape together four + guineas. . . . . + </p> + <p> + My courage almost fails me as I describe the shameful scene that followed. + The boys were called in, my own little account-book was dragged out of my + cupboard, to prove how much I had received from each, and every farthing + of my money was paid back to them. The tyrant took the thirty shillings + that my dear parents had given me, and said he should put them into the + poor-box at church; and, after having made a long discourse to the boys + about meanness and usury, he said, “Take off your coat, Mr. Stubbs, and + restore Bunting his waistcoat.” I did, and stood without coat and + waistcoat in the midst of the nasty grinning boys. I was going to put on + my coat,— + </p> + <p> + “Stop!” says he. “TAKE DOWN HIS BREECHES!” + </p> + <p> + Ruthless, brutal villain! Sam Hopkins, the biggest boy, took them down—horsed + me—and I WAS FLOGGED, SIR: yes, flogged! O revenge! I, Robert + Stubbs, who had done nothing but what was right, was brutally flogged at + ten years of age!—Though February was the shortest month, I + remembered it long. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0005" id="link2H_4_0005"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + MARCH.—SHOWERY. + </h2> + <p> + When my mamma heard of the treatment of her darling she was for bringing + an action against the schoolmaster, or else for tearing his eyes out + (when, dear soul! she would not have torn the eyes out of a flea, had it + been her own injury), and, at the very least, for having me removed from + the school where I had been so shamefully treated. But papa was stern for + once, and vowed that I had been served quite right, declared that I should + not be removed from school, and sent old Swishtail a brace of pheasants + for what he called his kindness to me. Of these the old gentleman invited + me to partake, and made a very queer speech at dinner, as he was cutting + them up, about the excellence of my parents, and his own determination to + be KINDER STILL to me, if ever I ventured on such practices again. So I + was obliged to give up my old trade of lending: for the Doctor declared + that any boy who borrowed should be flogged, and any one who PAID should + be flogged twice as much. There was no standing against such a prohibition + as this, and my little commerce was ruined. + </p> + <p> + I was not very high in the school: not having been able to get farther + than that dreadful Propria quae maribus in the Latin grammar, of which, + though I have it by heart even now, I never could understand a syllable: + but, on account of my size, my age, and the prayers of my mother, was + allowed to have the privilege of the bigger boys, and on holidays to walk + about in the town. Great dandies we were, too, when we thus went out. I + recollect my costume very well: a thunder-and-lightning coat, a white + waistcoat embroidered neatly at the pockets, a lace frill, a pair of + knee-breeches, and elegant white cotton or silk stockings. This did very + well, but still I was dissatisfied: I wanted A PAIR OF BOOTS. Three boys + in the school had boots—I was mad to have them too. + </p> + <p> + But my papa, when I wrote to him, would not hear of it; and three pounds, + the price of a pair, was too large a sum for my mother to take from the + housekeeping, or for me to pay, in the present impoverished state of my + exchequer; but the desire for the boots was so strong, that have them I + must at any rate. + </p> + <p> + There was a German bootmaker who had just set up in OUR town in those + days, who afterwards made his fortune in London. I determined to have the + boots from him, and did not despair, before the end of a year or two, + either to leave the school, when I should not mind his dunning me, or to + screw the money from mamma, and so pay him. + </p> + <p> + So I called upon this man—Stiffelkind was his name—and he took + my measure for a pair. + </p> + <p> + “You are a vary yong gentleman to wear dop-boots,” said the shoemaker. + </p> + <p> + “I suppose, fellow,” says I, “that is my business and not yours. Either + make the boots or not—but when you speak to a man of my rank, speak + respectfully!” And I poured out a number of oaths, in order to impress him + with a notion of my respectability. + </p> + <p> + They had the desired effect. “Stay, sir,” says he. “I have a nice littel + pair of dop-boots dat I tink will jost do for you.” And he produced, sure + enough, the most elegant things I ever saw. “Day were made,” said he, “for + de Honorable Mr. Stiffney, of de Gards, but were too small.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah, indeed!” said I. “Stiffney is a relation of mine. And what, you + scoundrel, will you have the impudence to ask for these things?” He + replied, “Three pounds.” + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said I, “they are confoundedly dear; but, as you will have a long + time to wait for your money, why, I shall have my revenge you see.” The + man looked alarmed, and began a speech: “Sare,—I cannot let dem go + vidout”—but a bright thought struck me, and I interrupted—“Sir! + don't sir me. Take off the boots, fellow, and, hark ye, when you speak to + a nobleman, don't say—Sir.” + </p> + <p> + “A hundert tousand pardons, my lort,” says he: “if I had known you were a + lort, I vood never have called you—Sir. Vat name shall I put down in + my books?” + </p> + <p> + “Name?—oh! why, Lord Cornwallis, to be sure,” said I, as I walked + off in the boots. + </p> + <p> + “And vat shall I do vid my lort's shoes?” + </p> + <p> + “Keep them until I send for them,” said I. And, giving him a patronizing + bow, I walked out of the shop, as the German tied up my shoes in paper. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + This story I would not have told, but that my whole life turned upon these + accursed boots. I walked back to school as proud as a peacock, and easily + succeeded in satisfying the boys as to the manner in which I came by my + new ornaments. + </p> + <p> + Well, one fatal Monday morning—the blackest of all black-Mondays + that ever I knew—as we were all of us playing between school-hours, + I saw a posse of boys round a stranger, who seemed to be looking out for + one of us. A sudden trembling seized me—I knew it was Stiffelkind. + What had brought him here? He talked loud, and seemed angry. So I rushed + into the school-room, and burying my head between my hands, began reading + for dear life. + </p> + <p> + “I vant Lort Cornvallis,” said the horrid bootmaker. “His lortship + belongs, I know, to dis honorable school, for I saw him vid de boys at + chorch yesterday.” + </p> + <p> + “Lord who?” + </p> + <p> + “Vy, Lort Cornvallis to be sure—a very fat yong nobeman, vid red + hair: he squints a little, and svears dreadfully.” + </p> + <p> + “There's no Lord Cornvallis here,” said one; and there was a pause. + </p> + <p> + “Stop! I have it,” says that odious Bunting. “IT MUST BE STUBBS!” And + “Stubbs! Stubbs!” every one cried out, while I was so busy at my book as + not to hear a word. + </p> + <p> + At last, two of the biggest chaps rushed into the schoolroom, and seizing + each an arm, run me into the playground—bolt up against the + shoemaker. + </p> + <p> + “Dis is my man. I beg your lortship's pardon,” says he, “I have brought + your lortship's shoes, vich you left. See, dey have been in dis parcel + ever since you vent avay in my boots.” + </p> + <p> + “Shoes, fellow!” says I. “I never saw your face before!” For I knew there + was nothing for it but brazening it out. “Upon the honor of a gentleman!” + said I, turning round to the boys. They hesitated; and if the trick had + turned in my favor, fifty of them would have seized hold of Stiffelkind + and drubbed him soundly. + </p> + <p> + “Stop!” says Bunting (hang him!) “Let's see the shoes. If they fit him, + why then the cobbler's right.” They did fit me; and not only that, but the + name of STUBBS was written in them at full length. + </p> + <p> + “Vat!” said Stiffelkind. “Is he not a lort? So help me Himmel, I never did + vonce tink of looking at de shoes, which have been lying ever since in dis + piece of brown paper.” And then, gathering anger as he went on, he + thundered out so much of his abuse of me, in his German-English, that the + boys roared with laughter. Swishtail came in in the midst of the + disturbance, and asked what the noise meant. + </p> + <p> + “It's only Lord Cornwallis, sir,” said the boys, “battling with his + shoemaker about the price of a pair of top-boots.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, sir,” said I, “it was only in fun that I called myself Lord + Cornwallis.” + </p> + <p> + “In fun!—Where are the boots? And you, sir, give me your bill.” My + beautiful boots were brought; and Stiffelkind produced his bill. “Lord + Cornwallis to Samuel Stiffelkind, for a pair of boots—four guineas.” + </p> + <p> + “You have been fool enough, sir,” says the Doctor, looking very stern, “to + let this boy impose on you as a lord; and knave enough to charge him + double the value of the article you sold him. Take back the boots, sir! I + won't pay a penny of your bill; nor can you get a penny. As for you, sir, + you miserable swindler and cheat, I shall not flog you as I did before, + but I shall send you home: you are not fit to be the companion of honest + boys.” + </p> + <p> + “SUPPOSE WE DUCK HIM before he goes?” piped out a very small voice. The + Doctor grinned significantly, and left the school-room; and the boys knew + by this they might have their will. They seized me and carried me to the + playground pump: they pumped upon me until I was half dead; and the + monster, Stiffelkind, stood looking on for the half-hour the operation + lasted. + </p> + <p> + I suppose the Doctor, at last, thought I had had pumping enough, for he + rang the school-bell, and the boys were obliged to leave me. As I got out + of the trough, Stiffelkind was alone with me. “Vell, my lort,” says he, + “you have paid SOMETHING for dese boots, but not all. By Jubider, YOU + SHALL NEVER HEAR DE END OF DEM.” And I didn't. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0006" id="link2H_4_0006"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + APRIL.—FOOLING. + </h2> + <p> + After this, as you may fancy, I left this disgusting establishment, and + lived for some time along with pa and mamma at home. My education was + finished, at least mamma and I agreed that it was; and from boyhood until + hobbadyhoyhood (which I take to be about the sixteenth year of the life of + a young man, and may be likened to the month of April when spring begins + to bloom)—from fourteen until seventeen, I say, I remained at home, + doing nothing—for which I have ever since had a great taste—the + idol of my mamma, who took part in all my quarrels with father, and used + regularly to rob the weekly expenses in order to find me in pocket-money. + Poor soul! many and many is the guinea I have had from her in that way; + and so she enabled me to cut a very pretty figure. + </p> + <p> + Papa was for having me at this time articled to a merchant, or put to some + profession; but mamma and I agreed that I was born to be a gentleman and + not a tradesman, and the army was the only place for me. Everybody was a + soldier in those times, for the French war had just begun, and the whole + country was swarming with militia regiments. “We'll get him a commission + in a marching regiment,” said my father. “As we have no money to purchase + him up, he'll FIGHT his way, I make no doubt.” And papa looked at me with + a kind of air of contempt, as much as to say he doubted whether I should + be very eager for such a dangerous way of bettering myself. + </p> + <p> + I wish you could have heard mamma's screech when he talked so coolly of my + going out to fight! “What! send him abroad, across the horrid, horrid sea—to + be wrecked and perhaps drowned, and only to land for the purpose of + fighting the wicked Frenchmen,—to be wounded, and perhaps kick—kick—killed! + Oh, Thomas, Thomas! would you murder me and your boy?” There was a regular + scene. However, it ended—as it always did—in mother's getting + the better, and it was settled that I should go into the militia. And why + not? The uniform is just as handsome, and the danger not half so great. I + don't think in the course of my whole military experience I ever fought + anything, except an old woman, who had the impudence to hallo out, “Heads + up, lobster!”—Well, I joined the North Bungays, and was fairly + launched into the world. + </p> + <p> + I was not a handsome man, I know; but there was SOMETHING about me—that's + very evident—for the girls always laughed when they talked to me, + and the men, though they affected to call me a poor little creature, + squint-eyes, knock-knees, redhead, and so on, were evidently annoyed by my + success, for they hated me so confoundedly. Even at the present time they + go on, though I have given up gallivanting, as I call it. But in the April + of my existence,—that is, in anno Domini 1791, or so—it was a + different case; and having nothing else to do, and being bent upon + bettering my condition, I did some very pretty things in that way. But I + was not hot-headed and imprudent, like most young fellows. Don't fancy I + looked for beauty! Pish!—I wasn't such a fool. Nor for temper; I + don't care about a bad temper: I could break any woman's heart in two + years. What I wanted was to get on in the world. Of course I didn't PREFER + an ugly woman, or a shrew; and when the choice offered, would certainly + put up with a handsome, good-humored girl, with plenty of money, as any + honest man would. + </p> + <p> + Now there were two tolerably rich girls in our parts: Miss Magdalen + Crutty, with twelve thousand pounds (and, to do her justice, as plain a + girl as ever I saw), and Miss Mary Waters, a fine, tall, plump, smiling, + peach-cheeked, golden-haired, white-skinned lass, with only ten. Mary + Waters lived with her uncle, the Doctor, who had helped me into the world, + and who was trusted with this little orphan charge very soon after. My + mother, as you have heard, was so fond of Bates, and Bates so fond of + little Mary, that both, at first, were almost always in our house; and I + used to call her my little wife as soon as I could speak, and before she + could walk almost. It was beautiful to see us, the neighbors said. + </p> + <p> + Well, when her brother, the lieutenant of an India ship, came to be + captain, and actually gave Mary five thousand pounds, when she was about + ten years old, and promised her five thousand more, there was a great + talking, and bobbing, and smiling between the Doctor and my parents, and + Mary and I were left together more than ever, and she was told to call me + her little husband. And she did; and it was considered a settled thing + from that day. She was really amazingly fond of me. + </p> + <p> + Can any one call me mercenary after that? Though Miss Crutty had twelve + thousand, and Mary only ten (five in hand, and five in the bush), I stuck + faithfully to Mary. As a matter of course, Miss Crutty hated Miss Waters. + The fact was, Mary had all the country dangling after her, and not a soul + would come to Magdalen, for all her 12,000L. I used to be attentive to her + though (as it's always useful to be); and Mary would sometimes laugh and + sometimes cry at my flirting with Magdalen. This I thought proper very + quickly to check. “Mary,” said I, “you know that my love for you is + disinterested,—for I am faithful to you, though Miss Crutty is + richer than you. Don't fly into a rage, then, because I pay her + attentions, when you know that my heart and my promise are engaged to + you.” + </p> + <p> + The fact is, to tell a little bit of a secret, there is nothing like the + having two strings to your bow. “Who knows?” thought I. “Mary may die; and + then where are my 10,000L.?” So I used to be very kind indeed to Miss + Crutty; and well it was that I was so: for when I was twenty and Mary + eighteen, I'm blest if news did not arrive that Captain Waters, who was + coming home to England with all his money in rupees, had been taken—ship, + rupees, self and all—by a French privateer; and Mary, instead of + 10,000L. had only 5,000L., making a difference of no less than 350L. per + annum betwixt her and Miss Crutty. + </p> + <p> + I had just joined my regiment (the famous North Bungay Fencibles, Colonel + Craw commanding) when this news reached me; and you may fancy how a young + man, in an expensive regiment and mess, having uniforms and what not to + pay for, and a figure to cut in the world, felt at hearing such news! “My + dearest Robert,” wrote Miss Waters, “will deplore my dear brother's loss: + but not, I am sure, the money which that kind and generous soul had + promised me. I have still five thousand pounds, and with this and your own + little fortune (I had 1,000L. in the Five per Cents!) we shall be as happy + and contented as possible.” + </p> + <p> + Happy and contented indeed! Didn't I know how my father got on with his + 300L. a year, and how it was all he could do out of it to add a hundred a + year to my narrow income, and live himself! My mind was made up. I + instantly mounted the coach and flew to our village,—to Mr. + Crutty's, of course. It was next door to Doctor Bates's; but I had no + business THERE. + </p> + <p> + I found Magdalen in the garden. “Heavens, Mr. Stubbs!” said she, as in my + new uniform I appeared before her, “I really did never—such a + handsome officer—expect to see you.” And she made as if she would + blush, and began to tremble violently. I led her to a garden-seat. I + seized her hand—it was not withdrawn. I pressed it;—I thought + the pressure was returned. I flung myself on my knees, and then I poured + into her ear a little speech which I had made on the top of the coach. + “Divine Miss Crutty,” said I; “idol of my soul! It was but to catch one + glimpse of you that I passed through this garden. I never intended to + breathe the secret passion” (oh, no; of course not) “which was wearing my + life away. You know my unfortunate pre-engagement—it is broken, and + FOR EVER! I am free;—free, but to be your slave,—your + humblest, fondest, truest slave!” And so on. . . . . + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Mr. Stubbs,” said she, as I imprinted a kiss upon her cheek, “I can't + refuse you; but I fear you are a sad naughty man. . . . .” + </p> + <p> + Absorbed in the delicious reverie which was caused by the dear creature's + confusion, we were both silent for a while, and should have remained so + for hours perhaps, so lost were we in happiness, had I not been suddenly + roused by a voice exclaiming from behind us— + </p> + <p> + “DON'T CRY, MARY! HE IS A SWINDLING, SNEAKING SCOUNDREL, AND YOU ARE WELL + RID OF HIM!” + </p> + <p> + I turned round. O heaven, there stood Mary, weeping on Doctor Bates's arm, + while that miserable apothecary was looking at me with the utmost scorn. + The gardener, who had let me in, had told them of my arrival, and now + stood grinning behind them. “Imperence!” was my Magdalen's only + exclamation, as she flounced by with the utmost self-possession, while I, + glancing daggers at the SPIES, followed her. We retired to the parlor, + where she repeated to me the strongest assurances of her love. + </p> + <p> + I thought I was a made man. Alas! I was only an APRIL FOOL! + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0007" id="link2H_4_0007"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + MAY.—RESTORATION DAY. + </h2> + <p> + As the month of May is considered, by poets and other philosophers, to be + devoted by Nature to the great purpose of love-making, I may as well take + advantage of that season and acquaint you with the result of MY amours. + </p> + <p> + Young, gay, fascinating, and an ensign—I had completely won the + heart of my Magdalen; and as for Miss Waters and her nasty uncle the + Doctor, there was a complete split between us, as you may fancy; Miss + pretending, forsooth, that she was glad I had broken off the match, though + she would have given her eyes, the little minx, to have had it on again. + But this was out of the question. My father, who had all sorts of queer + notions, said I had acted like a rascal in the business; my mother took my + part, in course, and declared I acted rightly, as I always did: and I got + leave of absence from the regiment in order to press my beloved Magdalen + to marry me out of hand—knowing, from reading and experience, the + extraordinary mutability of human affairs. + </p> + <p> + Besides, as the dear girl was seventeen years older than myself, and as + bad in health as she was in temper, how was I to know that the grim king + of terrors might not carry her off before she became mine? With the + tenderest warmth, then, and most delicate ardor, I continued to press my + suit. The happy day was fixed—the ever memorable 10th of May, 1792. + The wedding-clothes were ordered; and, to make things secure, I penned a + little paragraph for the county paper to this effect:—“Marriage in + High Life. We understand that Ensign Stubbs, of the North Bungay + Fencibles, and son of Thomas Stubbs, of Sloffemsquiggle, Esquire, is about + to lead to the hymeneal altar the lovely and accomplished daughter of + Solomon Crutty, Esquire, of the same place. A fortune of twenty thousand + pounds is, we hear, the lady's portion. 'None but the brave deserve the + fair.'” + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + “Have you informed your relatives, my beloved?” said I to Magdalen, one + day after sending the above notice; “will any of them attend at your + marriage?” + </p> + <p> + “Uncle Sam will, I dare say,” said Miss Crutty, “dear mamma's brother.” + </p> + <p> + “And who WAS your dear mamma?” said I: for Miss Crutty's respected parent + had been long since dead, and I never heard her name mentioned in the + family. + </p> + <p> + Magdalen blushed, and cast down her eyes to the ground. “Mamma was a + foreigner,” at last she said. + </p> + <p> + “And of what country?” + </p> + <p> + “A German. Papa married her when she was very young:—she was not of + a very good family,” said Miss Crutty, hesitating. + </p> + <p> + “And what care I for family, my love!” said I, tenderly kissing the + knuckles of the hand which I held. “She must have been an angel who gave + birth to you.” + </p> + <p> + “She was a shoemaker's daughter.” + </p> + <p> + “A GERMAN SHOEMAKER! Hang 'em,” thought I, “I have had enough of them;” + and so broke up this conversation, which did not somehow please me. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + Well, the day was drawing near: the clothes were ordered; the banns were + read. My dear mamma had built a cake about the size of a washing-tub; and + I was only waiting for a week to pass to put me in possession of twelve + thousand pounds in the FIVE per Cents, as they were in those days, heaven + bless 'em! Little did I know the storm that was brewing, and the + disappointment which was to fall upon a young man who really did his best + to get a fortune. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + “Oh, Robert,” said my Magdalen to me, two days before the match was to + come off, “I have SUCH a kind letter from uncle Sam in London. I wrote to + him as you wished. He says that he is coming down to-morrow, that he has + heard of you often, and knows your character very well; and that he has + got a VERY HANDSOME PRESENT for us! What can it be, I wonder?” + </p> + <p> + “Is he rich, my soul's adored?” says I. + </p> + <p> + “He is a bachelor, with a fine trade, and nobody to leave his money to.” + </p> + <p> + “His present can't be less than a thousand pounds?” says I. + </p> + <p> + “Or, perhaps, a silver tea-set, and some corner-dishes,” says she. + </p> + <p> + But we could not agree to this: it was too little—too mean for a man + of her uncle's wealth; and we both determined it must be the thousand + pounds. + </p> + <p> + “Dear good uncle! he's to be here by the coach,” says Magdalen. “Let us + ask a little party to meet him.” And so we did, and so they came: my + father and mother, old Crutty in his best wig, and the parson who was to + marry us the next day. The coach was to come in at six. And there was the + tea-table, and there was the punch-bowl, and everybody ready and smiling + to receive our dear uncle from London. + </p> + <p> + Six o'clock came, and the coach, and the man from the “Green Dragon” with + a portmanteau, and a fat old gentleman walking behind, of whom I just + caught a glimpse—a venerable old gentleman: I thought I'd seen him + before. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + Then there was a ring at the bell; then a scuffling and bumping in the + passage: then old Crutty rushed out, and a great laughing and talking, and + “HOW ARE YOU?” and so on, was heard at the door; and then the parlor-door + was flung open, and Crutty cried out with a loud voice— + </p> + <p> + “Good people all! my brother-in-law, Mr. STIFFELKIND!” + </p> + <p> + MR. STIFFELKIND!—I trembled as I heard the name! + </p> + <p> + Miss Crutty kissed him; mamma made him a curtsy, and papa made him a bow; + and Dr. Snorter, the parson, seized his hand and shook it most warmly: + then came my turn! + </p> + <p> + “Vat!” says he. “It is my dear goot yong frend from Doctor + Schvis'hentail's! is dis de yong gentleman's honorable moder” (mamma + smiled and made a curtsy), “and dis his fader? Sare and madam, you should + be broud of soch a sonn. And you my niece, if you have him for a husband + you vill be locky, dat is all. Vat dink you, broder Croty, and Madame + Stobbs, I 'ave made your sonn's boots! Ha—ha!” + </p> + <p> + My mamma laughed, and said, “I did not know it, but I am sure, sir, he has + as pretty a leg for a boot as any in the whole county.” + </p> + <p> + Old Stiffelkind roared louder. “A very nice leg, ma'am, and a very SHEAP + BOOT TOO. Vat! did you not know I make his boots? Perhaps you did not know + something else too—p'raps you did not know” (and here the monster + clapped his hand on the table and made the punch-ladle tremble in the + bowl)—“p'raps you did not know as dat yong man, dat Stobbs, dat + sneaking, baltry, squinting fellow, is as vicked as he is ogly. He bot a + pair of boots from me and never paid for dem. Dat is noting, nobody never + pays; but he bought a pair of boots, and called himself Lord Cornvallis. + And I was fool enough to believe him vonce. But look you, niece Magdalen, + I 'ave got five tousand pounds: if you marry him I vill not give you a + benny. But look you what I will gif you: I bromised you a bresent, and I + will give you DESE!” + </p> + <p> + And the old monster produced THOSE VERY BOOTS which Swishtail had made him + take back. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + I DIDN'T marry Miss Crutty: I am not sorry for it though. She was a nasty, + ugly, ill-tempered wretch, and I've always said so ever since. + </p> + <p> + And all this arose from those infernal boots, and that unlucky paragraph + in the county paper—I'll tell you how. + </p> + <p> + In the first place, it was taken up as a quiz by one of the wicked, + profligate, unprincipled organs of the London press, who chose to be very + facetious about the “Marriage in High Life,” and made all sorts of jokes + about me and my dear Miss Crutty. + </p> + <p> + Secondly, it was read in this London paper by my mortal enemy, Bunting, + who had been introduced to old Stiffelkind's acquaintance by my adventure + with him, and had his shoes made regularly by that foreign upstart. + </p> + <p> + Thirdly, he happened to want a pair of shoes mended at this particular + period, and as he was measured by the disgusting old High-Dutch cobbler, + he told him his old friend Stubbs was going to be married. + </p> + <p> + “And to whom?” said old Stiffelkind. “To a voman wit geld, I vill take my + oath.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” says Bunting, “a country girl—a Miss Magdalen Carotty or + Crotty, at a place called Sloffemsquiggle.” + </p> + <p> + “SHLOFFEMSCHWIEGEL!” bursts out the dreadful bootmaker. “Mein Gott, mein + Gott! das geht nicht! I tell you, sare, it is no go. Miss Crotty is my + niece. I vill go down myself. I vill never let her marry dat + goot-for-nothing schwindler and tief.” SUCH was the language that the + scoundrel ventured to use regarding me! + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0008" id="link2H_4_0008"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + JUNE.—MARROWBONES AND CLEAVERS. + </h2> + <p> + Was there ever such confounded ill-luck? My whole life has been a tissue + of ill-luck: although I have labored perhaps harder than any man to make a + fortune, something always tumbled it down. In love and in war I was not + like others. In my marriages, I had an eye to the main chance; and you see + how some unlucky blow would come and throw them over. In the army I was + just as prudent, and just as unfortunate. What with judicious betting, and + horse-swapping, good-luck at billiards, and economy, I do believe I put by + my pay every year,—and that is what few can say who have but an + allowance of a hundred a year. + </p> + <p> + I'll tell you how it was. I used to be very kind to the young men; I chose + their horses for them, and their wine: and showed them how to play + billiards, or ecarte, of long mornings, when there was nothing better to + do. I didn't cheat: I'd rather die than cheat;—but if fellows WILL + play, I wasn't the man to say no—why should I? There was one young + chap in our regiment of whom I really think I cleared 300L. a year. + </p> + <p> + His name was Dobble. He was a tailor's son, and wanted to be a gentleman. + A poor weak young creature; easy to be made tipsy; easy to be cheated; and + easy to be frightened. It was a blessing for him that I found him; for if + anybody else had, they would have plucked him of every shilling. + </p> + <p> + Ensign Dobble and I were sworn friends. I rode his horses for him, and + chose his champagne, and did everything, in fact, that a superior mind + does for an inferior,—when the inferior has got the money. We were + inseparables,—hunting everywhere in couples. We even managed to fall + in love with two sisters, as young soldiers will do, you know; for the + dogs fall in love, with every change of quarters. + </p> + <p> + Well, once, in the year 1793 (it was just when the French had chopped poor + Louis's head off), Dobble and I, gay young chaps as ever wore sword by + side, had cast our eyes upon two young ladies by the name of Brisket, + daughters of a butcher in the town where we were quartered. The dear girls + fell in love with us, of course. And many a pleasant walk in the country, + many a treat to a tea-garden, many a smart ribbon and brooch used Dobble + and I (for his father allowed him 600L., and our purses were in common) + present to these young ladies. One day, fancy our pleasure at receiving a + note couched thus:— + </p> + <p> + “DEER CAPTING STUBBS AND DOBBLE—Miss Briskets presents their + compliments, and as it is probble that our papa will be till twelve at the + corprayshun dinner, we request the pleasure of their company to tea.” + </p> + <p> + Didn't we go! Punctually at six we were in the little back-parlor; we + quaffed more Bohea, and made more love, than half a dozen ordinary men + could. At nine, a little punch-bowl succeeded to the little teapot; and, + bless the girls! a nice fresh steak was frizzling on the gridiron for our + supper. Butchers were butchers then, and their parlor was their kitchen + too; at least old Brisket's was—one door leading into the shop, and + one into the yard, on the other side of which was the slaughter-house. + </p> + <p> + Fancy, then, our horror when, just at this critical time, we heard the + shop-door open, a heavy staggering step on the flags, and a loud husky + voice from the shop, shouting, “Hallo, Susan; hallo, Betsy! show a light!” + Dobble turned as white as a sheet; the two girls each as red as a lobster; + I alone preserved my presence of mind. “The back-door,” says I—“The + dog's in the court,” say they. “He's not so bad as the man,” said I. + “Stop!” cries Susan, flinging open the door, and rushing to the fire. + “Take THIS and perhaps it will quiet him.” + </p> + <p> + What do you think “THIS” was? I'm blest if it was not the STEAK! + </p> + <p> + She pushed us out, patted and hushed the dog, and was in again in a + minute. The moon was shining on the court, and on the slaughter-house, + where there hung the white ghastly-looking carcasses of a couple of sheep; + a great gutter ran down the court—a gutter of BLOOD! The dog was + devouring his beefsteak (OUR beefsteak) in silence; and we could see + through the little window the girls hustling about to pack up the + supper-things, and presently the shop-door being opened, old Brisket + entering, staggering, angry, and drunk. What's more, we could see, perched + on a high stool, and nodding politely, as if to salute old Brisket, the + FEATHER OF DOBBLE'S COCKED HAT! When Dobble saw it, he turned white, and + deadly sick; and the poor fellow, in an agony of fright, sunk shivering + down upon one of the butcher's cutting-blocks, which was in the yard. + </p> + <p> + We saw old Brisket look steadily (as steadily as he could) at the + confounded, impudent, pert, waggling feather; and then an idea began to + dawn upon his mind, that there was a head to the hat; and then he slowly + rose up—he was a man of six feet, and fifteen stone—he rose + up, put on his apron and sleeves, and TOOK DOWN HIS CLEAVER. + </p> + <p> + “Betsy,” says he, “open the yard door.” But the poor girls screamed, and + flung on their knees, and begged, and wept, and did their very best to + prevent him. “OPEN THE YARD DOOR!” says he, with a thundering loud voice; + and the great bull-dog, hearing it, started up and uttered a yell which + sent me flying to the other end of the court.—Dobble couldn't move; + he was sitting on the block, blubbering like a baby. + </p> + <p> + The door opened, and out Mr. Brisket came. + </p> + <p> + “TO HIM, JOWLER!” says he. “KEEP HIM, JOWLER!”—and the horrid dog + flew at me, and I flew back into the corner, and drew my sword, + determining to sell my life dearly. + </p> + <p> + “That's it,” says Brisket. “Keep him there,—good dog,—good + dog! And now, sir,” says he, turning round to Dobble, “is this your hat?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” says Dobble, fit to choke with fright. + </p> + <p> + “Well, then,” says Brisket, “it's my—(hic)—my painful duty to—(hic)—to + tell you, that as I've got your hat, I must have your head;—it's + painful, but it must be done. You'd better—(hic)—settle + yourself com—comfumarably against that—(hic)—that block, + and I'll chop it off before you can say Jack—(hic)—no, I mean + Jack Robinson.” + </p> + <p> + Dobble went down on his knees and shrieked out, “I'm an only son, Mr. + Brisket! I'll marry her, sir; I will, upon my honor, sir.—Consider + my mother, sir; consider my mother.” + </p> + <p> + “That's it, sir,” says Brisket, “that's a good—(hic)—a good + boy;—just put your head down quietly—and I'll have it off—yes, + off—as if you were Louis the Six—the Sixtix—the + Siktickleteenth.—I'll chop the other CHAP AFTERWARDS.” + </p> + <p> + When I heard this, I made a sudden bound back, and gave such a cry as any + man might who was in such a way. The ferocious Jowler, thinking I was + going to escape, flew at my throat; screaming furious, I flung out my arms + in a kind of desperation,—and, to my wonder, down fell the dog, + dead, and run through the body! + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + At this moment a posse of people rushed in upon old Brisket,—one of + his daughters had had the sense to summon them,—and Dobble's head + was saved. And when they saw the dog lying dead at my feet, my ghastly + look, my bloody sword, they gave me no small credit for my bravery. “A + terrible fellow that Stubbs,” said they; and so the mess said, the next + day. + </p> + <p> + I didn't tell them that the dog had committed SUICIDE—why should I? + And I didn't say a word about Dobble's cowardice. I said he was a brave + fellow, and fought like a tiger; and this prevented HIM from telling + tales. I had the dogskin made into a pair of pistol-holsters, and looked + so fierce, and got such a name for courage in our regiment, that when we + had to meet the regulars, Bob Stubbs was always the man put forward to + support the honor of the corps. The women, you know, adore courage; and + such was my reputation at this time, that I might have had my pick out of + half a dozen, with three, four, or five thousand pounds apiece, who were + dying for love of me and my red coat. But I wasn't such a fool. I had been + twice on the point of marriage, and twice disappointed; and I vowed by all + the Saints to have a wife, and a rich one. Depend upon this, as an + infallible maxim to guide you through life: IT'S AS EASY TO GET A RICH + WIFE AS A POOR ONE;—the same bait that will hook a fly will hook a + salmon. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0009" id="link2H_4_0009"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + JULY.—SUMMARY PROCEEDINGS. + </h2> + <p> + Dobble's reputation for courage was not increased by the butcher's-dog + adventure; but mine stood very high: little Stubbs was voted the boldest + chap of all the bold North Bungays. And though I must confess, what was + proved by subsequent circumstances, that nature has NOT endowed me with a + large, or even, I may say, an average share of bravery, yet a man is very + willing to flatter himself to the contrary; and, after a little time, I + got to believe that my killing the dog was an action of undaunted courage, + and that I was as gallant as any of the one hundred thousand heroes of our + army. I always had a military taste—it's only the brutal part of the + profession, the horrid fighting and blood, that I don't like. + </p> + <p> + I suppose the regiment was not very brave itself—being only militia; + but certain it was, that Stubbs was considered a most terrible fellow, and + I swore so much, and looked so fierce, that you would have fancied I had + made half a hundred campaigns. I was second in several duels; the umpire + in all disputes; and such a crack-shot myself, that fellows were shy of + insulting me. As for Dobble, I took him under my protection; and he became + so attached to me, that we ate, drank, and rode together every day; his + father didn't care for money, so long as his son was in good company—and + what so good as that of the celebrated Stubbs? Heigho! I WAS good company + in those days, and a brave fellow too, as I should have remained, but for—what + I shall tell the public immediately. + </p> + <p> + It happened, in the fatal year ninety-six, that the brave North Bungays + were quartered at Portsmouth, a maritime place, which I need not describe, + and which I wish I had never seen. I might have been a General now, or, at + least, a rich man. + </p> + <p> + The red-coats carried everything before them in those days; and I, such a + crack character as I was in my regiment, was very well received by the + townspeople: many dinners I had; many tea-parties; many lovely young + ladies did I lead down the pleasant country-dances. + </p> + <p> + Well, although I had had the two former rebuffs in love which I have + described, my heart was still young; and the fact was, knowing that a girl + with a fortune was my only chance, I made love here as furiously as ever. + I shan't describe the lovely creatures on whom I fixed, whilst at + Portsmouth. I tried more than—several—and it is a singular + fact, which I never have been able to account for, that, successful as I + was with ladies of maturer age, by the young ones I was refused regular. + </p> + <p> + But “faint heart never won fair lady;” and so I went on, and on, until I + had got a Miss Clopper, a tolerable rich navy-contractor's daughter, into + such a way, that I really don't think she could have refused me. Her + brother, Captain Clopper, was in a line regiment, and helped me as much as + ever he could: he swore I was such a brave fellow. + </p> + <p> + As I had received a number of attentions from Clopper, I determined to + invite him to dinner; which I could do without any sacrifice of my + principle upon this point: for the fact is, Dobble lived at an inn, and as + he sent all his bills to his father, I made no scruple to use his table. + We dined in the coffee-room, Dobble bringing HIS friend; and so we made a + party CARRY, as the French say. Some naval officers were occupied in a + similar way at a table next to ours. + </p> + <p> + Well—I didn't spare the bottle, either for myself or for my friends; + and we grew very talkative, and very affectionate as the drinking went on. + Each man told stories of his gallantry in the field, or amongst the + ladies, as officers will, after dinner. Clopper confided to the company + his wish that I should marry his sister, and vowed that he thought me the + best fellow in Christendom. + </p> + <p> + Ensign Dobble assented to this. “But let Miss Clopper beware,” says he, + “for Stubbs is a sad fellow: he has had I don't know how many liaisons + already; and he has been engaged to I don't know how many women.” + </p> + <p> + “Indeed!” says Clopper. “Come, Stubbs, tell us your adventures.” + </p> + <p> + “Psha!” said I, modestly, “there is nothing, indeed, to tell. I have been + in love, my dear boy—who has not?—and I have been jilted—who + has not?” + </p> + <p> + Clopper swore he would blow his sister's brains out if ever SHE served me + so. + </p> + <p> + “Tell him about Miss Crutty,” said Dobble. “He! he! Stubbs served THAT + woman out, anyhow; she didn't jilt HIM. I'll be sworn.” + </p> + <p> + “Really, Dobble, you are too bad, and should not mention names. The fact + is, the girl was desperately in love with me, and had money—sixty + thousand pounds, upon my reputation. Well, everything was arranged, when + who should come down from London but a relation.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, and did he prevent the match?” + </p> + <p> + “Prevent it—yes, sir, I believe you he did; though not in the sense + that YOU mean. He would have given his eyes—ay, and ten thousand + pounds more—if I would have accepted the girl, but I would not.” + </p> + <p> + “Why, in the name of goodness?” + </p> + <p> + “Sir, her uncle was a SHOEMAKER. I never would debase myself by marrying + into such a family.” + </p> + <p> + “Of course not,” said Dobble; “he couldn't, you know. Well, now—tell + him about the other girl, Mary Waters, you know.” + </p> + <p> + “Hush, Dobble, hush! don't you see one of those naval officers has turned + round and heard you? My dear Clopper, it was a mere childish bagatelle.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, but let's have it,” said Clopper—“let's have it. I won't tell + my sister, you know.” And he put his hand to his nose and looked monstrous + wise. + </p> + <p> + “Nothing of that sort, Clopper—no, no—'pon honor—little + Bob Stubbs is no LIBERTINE; and the story is very simple. You see that my + father has a small place, merely a few hundred acres, at Sloffemsquiggle. + Isn't it a funny name? Hang it, there's the naval gentleman staring + again,”—(I looked terribly fierce as I returned this officer's + stare, and continued in a loud careless voice). Well, at this + Sloffemsquiggle there lived a girl, a Miss Waters, the niece of some + blackguard apothecary in the neighborhood; but my mother took a fancy to + the girl, and had her up to the park and petted her. We were both young—and—and—the + girl fell in love with me, that's the fact. I was obliged to repel some + rather warm advances that she made me; and here, upon my honor as a + gentleman, you have all the story about which that silly Dobble makes such + a noise. + </p> + <p> + Just as I finished this sentence. I found myself suddenly taken by the + nose, and a voice shouting out,— + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Stubbs, you are A LIAR AND A SCOUNDREL! Take this, sir,—and + this, for daring to meddle with the name of an innocent lady.” + </p> + <p> + I turned round as well as I could—for the ruffian had pulled me out + of my chair—and beheld a great marine monster, six feet high, who + was occupied in beating and kicking me, in the most ungentlemanly manner, + on my cheeks, my ribs, and between the tails of my coat. “He is a liar, + gentlemen, and a scoundrel! The bootmaker had detected him in swindling, + and so his niece refused him. Miss Waters was engaged to him from + childhood, and he deserted her for the bootmaker's niece, who was richer.”—And + then sticking a card between my stock and my coat-collar, in what is + called the scruff of my neck, the disgusting brute gave me another blow + behind my back, and left the coffee-room with his friends. + </p> + <p> + Dobble raised me up; and taking the card from my neck, read, CAPTAIN + WATERS. Clopper poured me out a glass of water, and said in my ear, “If + this is true, you are an infernal scoundrel, Stubbs; and must fight me, + after Captain Waters;” and he flounced out of the room. + </p> + <p> + I had but one course to pursue. I sent the Captain a short and + contemptuous note, saying that he was beneath my anger. As for Clopper, I + did not condescend to notice his remark but in order to get rid of the + troublesome society of these low blackguards, I determined to gratify an + inclination I had long entertained, and make a little tour. I applied for + leave of absence, and set off THAT VERY NIGHT. I can fancy the + disappointment of the brutal Waters, on coming, as he did, the next + morning to my quarters and finding me GONE. Ha! ha! + </p> + <p> + After this adventure I became sick of a military life—at least the + life of my own regiment, where the officers, such was their unaccountable + meanness and prejudice against me, absolutely refused to see me at mess. + Colonel Craw sent me a letter to this effect, which I treated as it + deserved.—I never once alluded to it in any way, and have since + never spoken a single word to any man in the North Bungays. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0010" id="link2H_4_0010"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + AUGUST.—DOGS HAVE THEIR DAYS. + </h2> + <p> + See, now, what life is! I have had ill-luck on ill-luck from that day to + this. I have sunk in the world, and, instead of riding my horse and + drinking my wine, as a real gentleman should, have hardly enough now to + buy a pint of ale; ay, and am very glad when anybody will treat me to one. + Why, why was I born to undergo such unmerited misfortunes? + </p> + <p> + You must know that very soon after my adventure with Miss Crutty, and that + cowardly ruffian, Captain Waters (he sailed the day after his insult to + me, or I should most certainly have blown his brains out; NOW he is living + in England, and is my relation; but, of course, I cut the fellow)—very + soon after these painful events another happened, which ended, too, in a + sad disappointment. My dear papa died, and, instead of leaving five + thousand pounds, as I expected at the very least, left only his estate, + which was worth but two. The land and house were left to me; to mamma and + my sisters he left, to be sure, a sum of two thousand pounds in the hands + of that eminent firm Messrs. Pump, Aldgate and Co., which failed within + six months after his demise, and paid in five years about one shilling and + ninepence in the pound; which really was all my dear mother and sisters + had to live upon. + </p> + <p> + The poor creatures were quite unused to money matters; and, would you + believe it? when the news came of Pump and Aldgate's failure, mamma only + smiled, and threw her eyes up to heaven, and said, “Blessed be God, that + we have still wherewithal to live. There are tens of thousands in this + world, dear children, who would count our poverty riches.” And with this + she kissed my two sisters, who began to blubber, as girls always will do, + and threw their arms round her neck, and then round my neck, until I was + half stifled with their embraces, and slobbered all over with their tears. + </p> + <p> + “Dearest mamma,” said I, “I am very glad to see the noble manner in which + you bear your loss; and more still to know that you are so rich as to be + able to put up with it.” The fact was, I really thought the old lady had + got a private hoard of her own, as many of them have—a thousand + pounds or so in a stocking. Had she put by thirty pounds a year, as well + she might, for the thirty years of her marriage, there would have been + nine hundred pounds clear, and no mistake. But still I was angry to think + that any such paltry concealment had been practised—concealment too + of MY money; so I turned on her pretty sharply, and continued my speech. + “You say, Ma'am, that you are rich, and that Pump and Aldgate's failure + has no effect upon you. I am very happy to hear you say so, Ma'am—very + happy that you ARE rich; and I should like to know where your property, my + father's property, for you had none of your own,—I should like to + know where this money lies—WHERE YOU HAVE CONCEALED IT, Ma'am; and, + permit me to say, that when I agreed to board you and my two sisters for + eighty pounds a year, I did not know that you had OTHER resources than + those mentioned in my blessed father's will.” + </p> + <p> + This I said to her because I hated the meanness of concealment, not + because I lost by the bargain of boarding them: for the three poor things + did not eat much more than sparrows: and I've often since calculated that + I had a clear twenty pounds a year profit out of them. + </p> + <p> + Mamma and the girls looked quite astonished when I made the speech. “What + does he mean?” said Lucy to Eliza. + </p> + <p> + Mamma repeated the question. “My beloved Robert, what concealment are you + talking of?” + </p> + <p> + “I am talking of concealed property, Ma'am,” says I sternly. + </p> + <p> + “And do you—what—can you—do you really suppose that I + have concealed—any of that blessed sa-a-a-aint's prop-op-op-operty?” + screams out mamma. “Robert,” says she—“Bob, my own darling boy—my + fondest, best beloved, now HE is gone” (meaning my late governor—more + tears)—“you don't, you cannot fancy that your own mother, who bore + you, and nursed you, and wept for you, and would give her all to save you + from a moment's harm—you don't suppose that she would che-e-e-eat + you!” And here she gave a louder screech than ever, and flung back on the + sofa; and one of my sisters went and tumbled into her arms, and t'other + went round, and the kissing and slobbering scene went on again, only I was + left out, thank goodness. I hate such sentimentality. + </p> + <p> + “CHE-E-E-EAT ME,” says I, mocking her. “What do you mean, then, by saying + you're so rich? Say, have you got money, or have you not?” (And I rapped + out a good number of oaths, too, which I don't put in here; but I was in a + dreadful fury, that's the fact.) + </p> + <p> + “So help me heaven,” says mamma, in answer, going down on her knees and + smacking her two hands, “I have but a Queen Anne's guinea in the whole of + this wicked world.” + </p> + <p> + “Then what, Madam, induces you to tell these absurd stories to me, and to + talk about your riches, when you know that you and your daughters are + beggars, Ma'am—BEGGARS?” + </p> + <p> + “My dearest boy, have we not got the house, and the furniture, and a + hundred a year still; and have you not great talents, which will make all + our fortunes?” says Mrs. Stubbs, getting up off her knees, and making + believe to smile as she clawed hold of my hand and kissed it. + </p> + <p> + This was TOO cool. “YOU have got a hundred a year, Ma'am,” says I—“YOU + have got a house? Upon my soul and honor this is the first I ever heard of + it; and I'll tell you what, Ma'am,” says I (and it cut her PRETTY SHARPLY + too): “as you've got it, YOU'D BETTER GO AND LIVE IN IT. I've got quite + enough to do with my own house, and every penny of my own income.” + </p> + <p> + Upon this speech the old lady said nothing, but she gave a screech loud + enough to be heard from here to York, and down she fell—kicking and + struggling in a regular fit. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + I did not see Mrs. Stubbs for some days after this, and the girls used to + come down to meals, and never speak; going up again and stopping with + their mother. At last, one day, both of them came in very solemn to my + study, and Eliza, the eldest, said, “Robert, mamma has paid you our board + up to Michaelmas.” + </p> + <p> + “She has,” says I; for I always took precious good care to have it in + advance. + </p> + <p> + “She says, Robert, That on Michaelmas day—we'll—we'll go away, + Robert.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, she's going to her own house, is she, Lizzy? Very good. She'll want + the furniture, I suppose, and that she may have too, for I'm going to sell + the place myself.” And so THAT matter was settled. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + On Michaelmas day—and during these two months I hadn't, I do + believe, seen my mother twice (once, about two o'clock in the morning, I + woke and found her sobbing over my bed)—on Michaelmas-day morning, + Eliza comes to me and says, “ROBERT, THEY WILL COME AND FETCH US AT SIX + THIS EVENING.” Well, as this was the last day, I went and got the best + goose I could find (I don't think I ever saw a primer, or ate more hearty + myself), and had it roasted at three, with a good pudding afterwards; and + a glorious bowl of punch. “Here's a health to you, dear girls,” says I, + “and you, Ma, and good luck to all three; and as you've not eaten a + morsel, I hope you won't object to a glass of punch. It's the old stuff, + you know, Ma'am, that that Waters sent to my father fifteen years ago.” + </p> + <p> + Six o'clock came, and with it came a fine barouche. As I live, Captain + Waters was on the box (it was his coach); that old thief, Bates, jumped + out, entered my house, and before I could say Jack Robinson, whipped off + mamma to the carriage: the girls followed, just giving me a hasty shake of + the hand; and as mamma was helped in, Mary Waters, who was sitting inside, + flung her arms round her, and then round the girls; and the Doctor, who + acted footman, jumped on the box, and off they went; taking no more notice + of ME than if I'd been a nonentity. + </p> + <p> + Here's a picture of the whole business:—Mamma and Miss Waters are + sitting kissing each other in the carriage, with the two girls in the back + seat: Waters is driving (a precious bad driver he is too); and I'm + standing at the garden door, and whistling. That old fool Mary Malowney is + crying behind the garden gate: she went off next day along with the + furniture; and I to get into that precious scrape which I shall mention + next. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0011" id="link2H_4_0011"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + SEPTEMBER.—PLUCKING A GOOSE. + </h2> + <p> + After my papa's death, as he left me no money, and only a little land, I + put my estate into an auctioneer's hands, and determined to amuse my + solitude with a trip to some of our fashionable watering-places. My house + was now a desert to me. I need not say how the departure of my dear + parent, and her children, left me sad and lonely. + </p> + <p> + Well, I had a little ready money, and, for the estate, expected a couple + of thousand pounds. I had a good military-looking person: for though I had + absolutely cut the old North Bungays (indeed, after my affair with Waters, + Colonel Craw hinted to me, in the most friendly manner, that I had better + resign)—though I had left the army, I still retained the rank of + Captain; knowing the advantages attendant upon that title in a + watering-place tour. + </p> + <p> + Captain Stubbs became a great dandy at Cheltenham, Harrogate, Bath, + Leamington, and other places. I was a good whist and billiard player; so + much so, that in many of these towns, the people used to refuse, at last, + to play with me, knowing how far I was their superior. Fancy my surprise, + about five years after the Portsmouth affair, when strolling one day up + the High Street, in Leamington, my eyes lighted upon a young man, whom I + remembered in a certain butcher's yard, and elsewhere—no other, in + fact, than Dobble. He, too, was dressed en militaire, with a frogged coat + and spurs; and was walking with a showy-looking, Jewish-faced, + black-haired lady, glittering with chains and rings, with a green bonnet + and a bird-of-Paradise—a lilac shawl, a yellow gown, pink silk + stockings, and light-blue shoes. Three children, and a handsome footman, + were walking behind her, and the party, not seeing me, entered the “Royal + Hotel” together. + </p> + <p> + I was known myself at the “Royal,” and calling one of the waiters, learned + the names of the lady and gentleman. He was Captain Dobble, the son of the + rich army-clothier, Dobble (Dobble, Hobble and Co. of Pall Mall);—the + lady was a Mrs. Manasseh, widow of an American Jew, living quietly at + Leamington with her children, but possessed of an immense property. + There's no use to give one's self out to be an absolute pauper: so the + fact is, that I myself went everywhere with the character of a man of very + large means. My father had died, leaving me immense sums of money, and + landed estates. Ah! I was the gentleman then, the real gentleman, and + everybody was too happy to have me at table. + </p> + <p> + Well, I came the next day, and left a card for Dobble, with a note. He + neither returned my visit, nor answered my note. The day after, however, I + met him with the widow, as before; and going up to him, very kindly seized + him by the hand, and swore I was—as really was the case—charmed + to see him. Dobble hung back, to my surprise, and I do believe the + creature would have cut me, if he dared; but I gave him a frown, and said— + </p> + <p> + “What, Dobble, my boy, don't you recollect old Stubbs, and our adventure + with the butcher's daughters—ha?” + </p> + <p> + Dobble gave a sickly kind of grin, and said, “Oh! ah! yes! It is—yes! + it is, I believe, Captain Stubbs.” + </p> + <p> + “An old comrade, Madam, of Captain Dobble's, and one who has heard so + much, and seen so much of your ladyship, that he must take the liberty of + begging his friend to introduce him.” + </p> + <p> + Dobble was obliged to take the hint; and Captain Stubbs was duly presented + to Mrs. Manasseh. The lady was as gracious as possible; and when, at the + end of the walk, we parted, she said “she hoped Captain Dobble would bring + me to her apartments that evening, where she expected a few friends.” + Everybody, you see, knows everybody at Leamington; and I, for my part, was + well known as a retired officer of the army, who, on his father's death, + had come into seven thousand a year. Dobble's arrival had been subsequent + to mine; but putting up as he did at the “Royal Hotel,” and dining at the + ordinary there with the widow, he had made her acquaintance before I had. + I saw, however, that if I allowed him to talk about me, as he could, I + should be compelled to give up all my hopes and pleasures at Leamington; + and so I determined to be short with him. As soon as the lady had gone + into the hotel, my friend Dobble was for leaving me likewise; but I + stopped him and said, “Mr. Dobble, I saw what you meant just now: you + wanted to cut me, because, forsooth, I did not choose to fight a duel at + Portsmouth. Now look you, Dobble, I am no hero, but I'm not such a coward + as you—and you know it. You are a very different man to deal with + from Waters; and I WILL FIGHT this time.” + </p> + <p> + Not perhaps that I would: but after the business of the butcher, I knew + Dobble to be as great a coward as ever lived; and there never was any harm + in threatening, for you know you are not obliged to stick to it + afterwards. My words had their effect upon Dobble, who stuttered and + looked red, and then declared he never had the slightest intention of + passing me by; so we became friends, and his mouth was stopped. + </p> + <p> + He was very thick with the widow, but that lady had a very capacious + heart, and there were a number of other gentlemen who seemed equally + smitten with her. “Look at that Mrs. Manasseh,” said a gentleman (it was + droll, HE was a Jew, too) sitting at dinner by me. “She is old, and ugly, + and yet, because she has money, all the men are flinging themselves at + her.” + </p> + <p> + “She has money, has she?” + </p> + <p> + “Eighty thousand pounds, and twenty thousand for each of her children. I + know it FOR A FACT,” said the strange gentleman. “I am in the law, and we + of our faith, you know, know pretty well what the great families amongst + us are worth.” + </p> + <p> + “Who was Mr. Manasseh?” said I. + </p> + <p> + “A man of enormous wealth—a tobacco-merchant—West Indies; a + fellow of no birth, however; and who, between ourselves, married a woman + that is not much better than she should be. My dear sir,” whispered he, + “she is always in love. Now it is with that Captain Dobble; last week it + was somebody else—and it may be you next week, if—ha! ha! ha!—you + are disposed to enter the lists. I wouldn't, for MY part, have the woman + with twice her money.” + </p> + <p> + What did it matter to me whether the woman was good or not, provided she + was rich? My course was quite clear. I told Dobble all that this gentleman + had informed me, and being a pretty good hand at making a story, I made + the widow appear SO bad, that the poor fellow was quite frightened, and + fairly quitted the field. Ha! ha! I'm dashed if I did not make him believe + that Mrs. Manasseh had MURDERED her last husband. + </p> + <p> + I played my game so well, thanks to the information that my friend the + lawyer had given me, that in a month I had got the widow to show a most + decided partiality for me. I sat by her at dinner, I drank with her at the + “Wells”—I rode with her, I danced with her, and at a picnic to + Kenilworth, where we drank a good deal of champagne, I actually popped the + question, and was accepted. In another month, Robert Stubbs, Esq., led to + the altar, Leah, widow of the late Z. Manasseh, Esq., of St. Kitt's! + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + We drove up to London in her comfortable chariot: the children and + servants following in a post-chaise. I paid, of course, for everything; + and until our house in Berkeley Square was painted, we stopped at + “Stevens's Hotel.” + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + My own estate had been sold, and the money was lying at a bank in the + City. About three days after our arrival, as we took our breakfast in the + hotel, previous to a visit to Mrs. Stubbs's banker, where certain little + transfers were to be made, a gentleman was introduced, who, I saw at a + glance, was of my wife's persuasion. + </p> + <p> + He looked at Mrs. Stubbs, and made a bow. “Perhaps it will be convenient + to you to pay this little bill, one hundred and fifty-two pounds?” + </p> + <p> + “My love,” says she, “will you pay this—it is a trifle which I had + really forgotten?” + </p> + <p> + “My soul!” said I, “I have really not the money in the house.” + </p> + <p> + “Vel, denn, Captain Shtubbsh,” says he, “I must do my duty—and + arrest you—here is the writ! Tom, keep the door?” My wife fainted—the + children screamed, and I fancy my condition as I was obliged to march off + to a spunging-house along with a horrid sheriff's officer? + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0012" id="link2H_4_0012"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + OCTOBER.—MARS AND VENUS IN OPPOSITION. + </h2> + <p> + I shall not describe my feelings when I found myself in a cage in Cursitor + Street, instead of that fine house in Berkeley Square, which was to have + been mine as the husband of Mrs. Manasseh. What a place!—in an + odious, dismal street leading from Chancery Lane. A hideous Jew boy opened + the second of three doors and shut it when Mr. Nabb and I (almost + fainting) had entered; then he opened the third door, and then I was + introduced to a filthy place called a coffee-room, which I exchanged for + the solitary comfort of a little dingy back-parlor, where I was left for a + while to brood over my miserable fate. Fancy the change between this and + Berkeley Square! Was I, after all my pains, and cleverness, and + perseverance, cheated at last? Had this Mrs. Manasseh been imposing upon + me, and were the words of the wretch I met at the table-d'hote at + Leamington only meant to mislead me and take me in? I determined to send + for my wife, and know the whole truth. I saw at once that I had been the + victim of an infernal plot, and that the carriage, the house in town, the + West India fortune, were only so many lies which I had blindly believed. + It was true that the debt was but a hundred and fifty pounds; and I had + two thousand at my bankers'. But was the loss of HER 80,000L. nothing? Was + the destruction of my hopes nothing? The accursed addition to my family of + a Jewish wife and three Jewish children, nothing? And all these I was to + support out of my two thousand pounds. I had better have stopped at home + with my mamma and sisters, whom I really did love, and who produced me + eighty pounds a year. + </p> + <p> + I had a furious interview with Mrs. Stubbs; and when I charged her, the + base wretch! with cheating me, like a brazen serpent as she was, she flung + back the cheat in my teeth, and swore I had swindled her. Why did I marry + her, when she might have had twenty others? She only took me, she said, + because I had twenty thousand pounds. I HAD said I possessed that sum; but + in love, you know, and war all's fair. + </p> + <p> + We parted quite as angrily as we met; and I cordially vowed that when I + had paid the debt into which I had been swindled by her, I would take my + 2,000L. and depart to some desert island; or, at the very least, to + America, and never see her more, or any of her Israelitish brood. There + was no use in remaining in the spunging-house (for I knew that there were + such things as detainers, and that where Mrs. Stubbs owed a hundred + pounds, she might owe a thousand) so I sent for Mr. Nabb, and tendering + him a cheque for 150L. and his costs, requested to be let out forthwith. + “Here, fellow,” said I, “is a cheque on Child's for your paltry sum.” + </p> + <p> + “It may be a sheck on Shild's,” says Mr. Nabb; “but I should be a baby to + let you out on such a paper as dat.” + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said I, “Child's is but a step from this: you may go and get the + cash,—just give me an acknowledgment.” + </p> + <p> + Nabb drew out the acknowledgment with great punctuality, and set off for + the bankers', whilst I prepared myself for departure from this abominable + prison. + </p> + <p> + He smiled as he came in. “Well,” said I, “you have touched your money; and + now, I must tell you, that you are the most infernal rogue and extortioner + I ever met with.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, no, Mishter Shtubbsh,” says he, grinning still. “Dere is som greater + roag dan me,—mosh greater.” + </p> + <p> + “Fellow,” said I, “don't stand grinning before a gentleman; but give me my + hat and cloak, and let me leave your filthy den.” + </p> + <p> + “Shtop, Shtubbsh,” says he, not even Mistering me this time. “Here ish a + letter, vich you had better read.” + </p> + <p> + I opened the letter; something fell to the ground:—it was my cheque. + </p> + <p> + The letter ran thus: “Messrs. Child and Co. present their compliments to + Captain Stubbs, and regret that they have been obliged to refuse payment + of the enclosed, having been served this day with an attachment by Messrs. + Solomonson and Co., which compels them to retain Captain Stubbs' balance + of 2,010L. 11s. 6d. until the decision of the suit of Solomonson v. + Stubbs. + </p> + <p> + “FLEET STREET.” + </p> + <p> + “You see,” says Mr. Nabb, as I read this dreadful letter—“you see, + Shtubbsh, dere vas two debts,—a little von and a big von. So dey + arrested you for de little von, and attashed your money for de big von.” + </p> + <p> + Don't laugh at me for telling this story. If you knew what tears are + blotting over the paper as I write it—if you knew that for weeks + after I was more like a madman than a sane man,—a madman in the + Fleet Prison, where I went instead of to the desert island! What had I + done to deserve it? Hadn't I always kept an eye to the main chance? Hadn't + I lived economically, and not like other young men? Had I ever been known + to squander or give away a single penny? No! I can lay my hand on my + heart, and, thank heaven, say, No! Why, why was I punished so? + </p> + <p> + Let me conclude this miserable history. Seven months—my wife saw me + once or twice, and then dropped me altogether—I remained in that + fatal place. I wrote to my dear mamma, begging her to sell her furniture, + but got no answer. All my old friends turned their backs upon me. My + action went against me—I had not a penny to defend it. Solomonson + proved my wife's debt, and seized my two thousand pounds. As for the + detainer against me, I was obliged to go through the court for the relief + of insolvent debtors. I passed through it, and came out a beggar. But + fancy the malice of that wicked Stiffelkind: he appeared in court as my + creditor for 3L., with sixteen years' interest at five per cent, for a + PAIR OF TOP-BOOTS. The old thief produced them in court, and told the + whole story—Lord Cornwallis, the detection, the pumping and all. + </p> + <p> + Commissioner Dubobwig was very funny about it. “So Doctor Swishtail would + not pay you for the boots, eh, Mr. Stiffelkind?” + </p> + <p> + “No: he said, ven I asked him for payment, dey was ordered by a yong boy, + and I ought to have gone to his schoolmaster.” + </p> + <p> + “What! then you came on a BOOTLESS errand, ay, sir?” (A laugh.) + </p> + <p> + “Bootless! no sare, I brought de boots back vid me. How de devil else + could I show dem to you?” (Another laugh.) + </p> + <p> + “You've never SOLED 'em since, Mr. Tickleshins?” + </p> + <p> + “I never would sell dem; I svore I never vood, on porpus to be revenged on + dat Stobbs.” + </p> + <p> + “What! your wound has never been HEALED, eh?” + </p> + <p> + “Vat do you mean vid your bootless errands, and your soling and healing? I + tell you I have done vat I svore to do: I have exposed him at school; I + have broak off a marriage for him, ven he vould have had tventy tousand + pound; and now I have showed him up in a court of justice. Dat is vat I + 'ave done, and dat's enough.” And then the old wretch went down, whilst + everybody was giggling and staring at poor me—as if I was not + miserable enough already. + </p> + <p> + “This seems the dearest pair of boots you ever had in your life, Mr. + Stubbs,” said Commissioner Dubobwig very archly, and then he began to + inquire about the rest of my misfortunes. + </p> + <p> + In the fulness of my heart I told him the whole of them: how Mr. + Solomonson the attorney had introduced me to the rich widow, Mrs. + Manasseh, who had fifty thousand pounds, and an estate in the West Indies. + How I was married, and arrested on coming to town, and cast in an action + for two thousand pounds brought against me by this very Solomonson for my + wife's debts. + </p> + <p> + “Stop!” says a lawyer in the court. “Is this woman a showy black-haired + woman with one eye? very often drunk, with three children?—Solomonson, + short, with red hair?” + </p> + <p> + “Exactly so,” said I, with tears in my eyes. + </p> + <p> + “That woman has married THREE MEN within the last two years. One in + Ireland, and one at Bath. A Solomonson is, I believe, her husband, and + they both are off for America ten days ago.” + </p> + <p> + “But why did you not keep your 2,000L.?” said the lawyer. + </p> + <p> + “Sir, they attached it.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, well, we may pass you. You have been unlucky, Mr. Stubbs, but it + seems as if the biter had been bit in this affair.” + </p> + <p> + “No,” said Mr. Dubobwig. “Mr. Stubbs is the victim of a FATAL ATTACHMENT.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0013" id="link2H_4_0013"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + NOVEMBER.—A GENERAL POST DELIVERY. + </h2> + <p> + I was a free man when I went out of the Court; but I was a beggar—I, + Captain Stubbs, of the bold North Bungays, did not know where I could get + a bed, or a dinner. + </p> + <p> + As I was marching sadly down Portugal Street, I felt a hand on my shoulder + and a rough voice which I knew well. + </p> + <p> + “Vell, Mr. Stobbs, have I not kept my promise? I told you dem boots would + be your ruin.” + </p> + <p> + I was much too miserable to reply; and only cast my eyes towards the roofs + of the houses, which I could not see for the tears. + </p> + <p> + “Vat! you begin to gry and blobber like a shild? you vood marry, vood you? + and noting vood do for you but a vife vid monny—ha, ha—but you + vere de pigeon, and she was de grow. She has plocked you, too, pretty vell—eh? + ha! ha!” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Mr. Stiffelkind,” said I, “don't laugh at my misery: she has not left + me a single shilling under heaven. And I shall starve: I do believe I + shall starve.” And I began to cry fit to break my heart. + </p> + <p> + “Starf! stoff and nonsense! You vill never die of starfing—you vill + die of HANGING, I tink—ho! ho!—and it is moch easier vay too.” + I didn't say a word, but cried on; till everybody in the street turned + round and stared. + </p> + <p> + “Come, come,” said Stiffelkind, “do not gry, Gaptain Stobbs—it is + not goot for a Gaptain to gry—ha! ha! Dere—come vid me, and + you shall have a dinner, and a bregfast too,—vich shall gost you + nothing, until you can bay vid your earnings.” + </p> + <p> + And so this curious old man, who had persecuted me all through my + prosperity, grew compassionate towards me in my ill-luck; and took me home + with him as he promised. “I saw your name among de Insolvents, and I + vowed, you know, to make you repent dem boots. Dere, now, it is done and + forgotten, look you. Here, Betty, Bettchen, make de spare bed, and put a + clean knife and fork; Lort Cornvallis is come to dine vid me.” + </p> + <p> + I lived with this strange old man for six weeks. I kept his books, and did + what little I could to make myself useful: carrying about boots and shoes, + as if I had never borne his Majesty's commission. He gave me no money, but + he fed and lodged me comfortably. The men and boys used to laugh, and call + me General, and Lord Cornwallis, and all sorts of nicknames; and old + Stiffelkind made a thousand new ones for me. + </p> + <p> + One day I can recollect—one miserable day, as I was polishing on the + trees a pair of boots of Mr. Stiffelkind's manufacture—the old + gentleman came into the shop, with a lady on his arm. + </p> + <p> + “Vere is Gaptain Stobbs?” said he. “Vere is dat ornament to his Majesty's + service?” + </p> + <p> + I came in from the back shop, where I was polishing the boots, with one of + them in my hand. + </p> + <p> + “Look, my dear,” says he, “here is an old friend of yours, his Excellency + Lort Cornvallis!—Who would have thought such a nobleman vood turn + shoeblack? Captain Stobbs, here is your former flame, my dear niece, Miss + Grotty. How could you, Magdalen, ever leaf such a lof of a man? Shake + hands vid her, Gaptain;—dere, never mind de blacking!” But Miss drew + back. + </p> + <p> + “I never shake hands with a SHOEBLACK,” said she, mighty contemptuous. + </p> + <p> + “Bah! my lof, his fingers von't soil you. Don't you know he has just been + VITEVASHED?” + </p> + <p> + “I wish, uncle,” says she, “you would not leave me with such low people.” + </p> + <p> + “Low, because he cleans boots? De Gaptain prefers PUMPS to boots I tink—ha! + ha!” + </p> + <p> + “Captain indeed! a nice Captain,” says Miss Crutty, snapping her fingers + in my face, and walking away: “a Captain who has had his nose pulled! ha! + ha!”—And how could I help it? it wasn't by my own CHOICE that that + ruffian Waters took such liberties with me. Didn't I show how averse I was + to all quarrels by refusing altogether his challenge?—But such is the + world. And thus the people at Stiffelkind's used to tease me, until they + drove me almost mad. + </p> + <p> + At last he came home one day more merry and abusive than ever. “Gaptain,” + says he, “I have goot news for you—a goot place. Your lordship vill + not be able to geep your garridge, but you vill be gomfortable, and serve + his Majesty.” + </p> + <p> + “Serve his Majesty?” says I. “Dearest Mr. Stiffelkind, have you got me a + place under Government?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, and somting better still—not only a place, but a uniform: yes, + Gaptain Stobbs, a RED GOAT.” + </p> + <p> + “A red coat! I hope you don't think I would demean myself by entering the + ranks of the army? I am a gentleman, Mr. Stiffelkind—I can never—no, + I never—” + </p> + <p> + “No, I know you will never—you are too great a goward—ha! ha!—though + dis is a red goat, and a place where you must give some HARD KNOCKS too—ha! + ha!—do you gomprehend?—and you shall be a general instead of a + gaptain—ha! ha!” + </p> + <p> + “A general in a red coat, Mr. Stiffelkind?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, a GENERAL BOSTMAN!—ha! ha! I have been vid your old friend, + Bunting, and he has an uncle in the Post Office, and he has got you de + place—eighteen shillings a veek, you rogue, and your goat. You must + not oben any of de letters you know.” + </p> + <p> + And so it was—I, Robert Stubbs, Esquire, became the vile thing he + named—a general postman! + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + I was so disgusted with Stiffelkind's brutal jokes, which were now more + brutal than ever, that when I got my place in the Post Office, I never + went near the fellow again: for though he had done me a favor in keeping + me from starvation, he certainly had done it in a very rude, disagreeable + manner, and showed a low and mean spirit in SHOVING me into such a + degraded place as that of postman. But what had I to do? I submitted to + fate, and for three years or more, Robert Stubbs, of the North Bungay + Fencibles, was— + </p> + <p> + I wonder nobody recognized me. I lived in daily fear the first year: but + afterwards grew accustomed to my situation, as all great men will do, and + wore my red coat as naturally as if I had been sent into the world only + for the purpose of being a letter-carrier. + </p> + <p> + I was first in the Whitechapel district, where I stayed for nearly three + years, when I was transferred to Jermyn Street and Duke Street—famous + places for lodgings. I suppose I left a hundred letters at a house in the + latter street, where lived some people who must have recognized me had + they but once chanced to look at me. + </p> + <p> + You see that when I left Sloffemsquiggle, and set out in the gay world, my + mamma had written to me a dozen times at least; but I never answered her, + for I knew she wanted money, and I detest writing. Well, she stopped her + letters, finding she could get none from me:—but when I was in the + Fleet, as I told you, I wrote repeatedly to my dear mamma, and was not a + little nettled at her refusing to notice me in my distress, which is the + very time one most wants notice. + </p> + <p> + Stubbs is not an uncommon name; and though I saw MRS. STUBBS on a little + bright brass plate, in Duke street, and delivered so many letters to the + lodgers in her house, I never thought of asking who she was, or whether + she was my relation, or not. + </p> + <p> + One day the young woman who took in the letters had not got change, and + she called her mistress. An old lady in a poke-bonnet came out of the + parlor, and put on her spectacles, and looked at the letter, and fumbled + in her pocket for eightpence, and apologized to the postman for keeping + him waiting. And when I said, “Never mind, Ma'am, it's no trouble,” the + old lady gave a start, and then she pulled off her spectacles, and + staggered back; and then she began muttering, as if about to choke; and + then she gave a great screech, and flung herself into my arms, and roared + out, “MY SON, MY SON!” + </p> + <p> + “Law, mamma,” said I, “is that you?” and I sat down on the hall bench with + her, and let her kiss me as much as ever she liked. Hearing the whining + and crying, down comes another lady from up stairs,—it was my sister + Eliza; and down come the lodgers. And the maid gets water and what not, + and I was the regular hero of the group. I could not stay long then, + having my letters to deliver. But, in the evening, after mail-time, I went + back to my mamma and sister; and, over a bottle of prime old port, and a + precious good leg of boiled mutton and turnips, made myself pretty + comfortable, I can tell you. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0014" id="link2H_4_0014"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + DECEMBER.—“THE WINTER OF OUR DISCONTENT.” + </h2> + <p> + Mamma had kept the house in Duke Street for more than two years. I + recollected some of the chairs and tables from dear old Sloffemsquiggle, + and the bowl in which I had made that famous rum-punch, the evening she + went away, which she and my sisters left untouched, and I was obliged to + drink after they were gone; but that's not to the purpose. + </p> + <p> + Think of my sister Lucy's luck! that chap, Waters, fell in love with her, + and married her; and she now keeps her carriage, and lives in state near + Sloffemsquiggle. I offered to make it up with Waters; but he bears malice, + and never will see or speak to me.—He had the impudence, too, to + say, that he took in all letters for mamma at Sloffemsquiggle; and that as + mine were all begging-letters, he burned them, and never said a word to + her concerning them. He allowed mamma fifty pounds a year, and, if she + were not such a fool, she might have had three times as much; but the old + lady was high and mighty forsooth, and would not be beholden, even to her + own daughter, for more than she actually wanted. Even this fifty pound she + was going to refuse; but when I came to live with her, of course I wanted + pocket-money as well as board and lodging, and so I had the fifty pounds + for MY share, and eked out with it as well as I could. + </p> + <p> + Old Bates and the Captain, between them, gave mamma a hundred pounds when + she left me (she had the deuce's own luck, to be sure—much more than + ever fell to ME, I know) and as she said she WOULD try and work for her + living, it was thought best to take a house and let lodgings, which she + did. Our first and second floor paid us four guineas a week, on an + average; and the front parlor and attic made forty pounds more. Mamma and + Eliza used to have the front attic: but I took that, and they slept in the + servants' bedroom. Lizzy had a pretty genius for work, and earned a guinea + a week that way; so that we had got nearly two hundred a year over the + rent to keep house with,—and we got on pretty well. Besides, women + eat nothing: my women didn't care for meat for days together sometimes,—so + that it was only necessary to dress a good steak or so for me. + </p> + <p> + Mamma would not think of my continuing in the Post Office. She said her + dear Robert, her husband's son, her gallant soldier, and all that, should + remain at home and be a gentleman—which I was, certainly, though I + didn't find fifty pounds a year very much to buy clothes and be a + gentleman upon. To be sure, mother found me shirts and linen, so that THAT + wasn't in the fifty pounds. She kicked a little at paying the washing too; + but she gave in at last, for I was her dear Bob, you know; and I'm blest + if I could not make her give me the gown off her back. Fancy! once she cut + up a very nice rich black silk scarf, which my sister Waters sent her, and + made me a waistcoat and two stocks of it. She was so VERY soft, the old + lady! + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + I'd lived in this way for five years or more, making myself content with + my fifty pounds a year (PERHAPS I had saved a little out of it; but that's + neither here nor there). From year's end to year's end I remained faithful + to my dear mamma, never leaving her except for a month or so in the summer—when + a bachelor may take a trip to Gravesend or Margate, which would be too + expensive for a family. I say a bachelor, for the fact is, I don't know + whether I am married or not—never having heard a word since of the + scoundrelly Mrs. Stubbs. + </p> + <p> + I never went to the public-house before meals: for, with my beggarly fifty + pounds, I could not afford to dine away from home: but there I had my + regular seat, and used to come home PRETTY GLORIOUS, I can tell you. Then + bed till eleven; then breakfast and the newspaper; then a stroll in Hyde + Park or St. James's; then home at half-past three to dinner—when I + jollied, as I call it, for the rest of the day. I was my mother's delight; + and thus, with a clear conscience, I managed to live on. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + How fond she was of me, to be sure! Being sociable myself, and loving to + have my friends about me, we often used to assemble a company of as hearty + fellows as you would wish to sit down with, and keep the nights up + royally. “Never mind, my boys,” I used to say. “Send the bottle round: + mammy pays for all.” As she did, sure enough: and sure enough we punished + her cellar too. The good old lady used to wait upon us, as if for all the + world she had been my servant, instead of a lady and my mamma. Never used + she to repine, though I often, as I must confess, gave her occasion + (keeping her up till four o'clock in the morning, because she never could + sleep until she saw her “dear Bob” in bed, and leading her a sad anxious + life). She was of such a sweet temper, the old lady, that I think in the + course of five years I never knew her in a passion, except twice: and then + with sister Lizzy, who declared I was ruining the house, and driving the + lodgers away, one by one. But mamma would not hear of such envious spite + on my sister's part. “Her Bob” was always right, she said. At last Lizzy + fairly retreated, and went to the Waters's.—I was glad of it, for + her temper was dreadful, and we used to be squabbling from morning till + night! + </p> + <p> + Ah, those WERE jolly times! but Ma was obliged to give up the + lodging-house at last—for, somehow, things went wrong after my + sister's departure—the nasty uncharitable people said, on account of + ME; because I drove away the lodgers by smoking and drinking, and kicking + up noises in the house; and because Ma gave me so much of her money:—so + she did, but if she WOULD give it, you know, how could I help it? Heigho! + I wish I'd KEPT it. + </p> + <p> + No such luck. The business I thought was to last for ever: but at the end + of two years came a smash—shut up shop—sell off everything. + Mamma went to the Waters's: and, will you believe it? the ungrateful + wretches would not receive me! that Mary, you see, was SO disappointed at + not marrying me. Twenty pounds a year they allow, it is true; but what's + that for a gentleman? For twenty years I have been struggling manfully to + gain an honest livelihood, and, in the course of them, have seen a deal of + life, to be sure. I've sold cigars and pocket-handkerchiefs at the corners + of streets; I've been a billiard-marker; I've been a director (in the + panic year) of the Imperial British Consolidated Mangle and Drying Ground + Company. I've been on the stage (for two years as an actor, and about a + month as a cad, when I was very low); I've been the means of giving to the + police of this empire some very valuable information (about licensed + victuallers, gentlemen's carts, and pawnbrokers' names); I've been very + nearly an officer again—that is, an assistant to an officer of the + Sheriff of Middlesex: it was my last place. + </p> + <p> + On the last day of the year 1837, even THAT game was up. It's a thing that + very seldom happened to a gentleman, to be kicked out of a spunging-house; + but such was my case. Young Nabb (who succeeded his father) drove me + ignominiously from his door, because I had charged a gentleman in the + coffee-rooms seven-and-sixpence for a glass of ale and bread and cheese, + the charge of the house being only six shillings. He had the meanness to + deduct the eighteenpence from my wages, and because I blustered a bit, he + took me by the shoulders and turned me out—me, a gentleman, and, + what is more, a poor orphan! + </p> + <p> + How I did rage and swear at him when I got out into the street! There + stood he, the hideous Jew monster, at the double door, writhing under the + effect of my language. I had my revenge! Heads were thrust out of every + bar of his windows, laughing at him. A crowd gathered round me, as I stood + pounding him with my satire, and they evidently enjoyed his discomfiture. + I think the mob would have pelted the ruffian to death (one or two of + their missiles hit ME, I can tell you), when a policeman came up, and in + reply to a gentleman, who was asking what was the disturbance, said, + “Bless you, sir, it's Lord Cornwallis.” “Move on, BOOTS,” said the fellow + to me; for the fact is, my misfortunes and early life are pretty well + known—and so the crowd dispersed. + </p> + <p> + “What could have made that policeman call you Lord Cornwallis and Boots?” + said the gentleman, who seemed mightily amused, and had followed me. + “Sir,” says I, “I am an unfortunate officer of the North Bungay Fencibles, + and I'll tell you willingly for a pint of beer.” He told me to follow him + to his chambers in the Temple, which I did (a five-pair back), and there, + sure enough, I had the beer; and told him this very story you've been + reading. You see he is what is called a literary man—and sold my + adventures for me to the booksellers; he's a strange chap; and says + they're MORAL. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + I'm blest if I can see anything moral in them. I'm sure I ought to have + been more lucky through life, being so very wide awake. And yet here I am, + without a place, or even a friend, starving upon a beggarly twenty pounds + a year—not a single sixpence more, upon MY HONOR. + </p> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Fatal Boots, by William Makepeace Thackeray + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE FATAL BOOTS *** + +***** This file should be named 2844-h.htm or 2844-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/8/4/2844/ + +Produced by Donald Lainson; David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Fatal Boots + +Author: William Makepeace Thackeray + +Release Date: May 27, 2006 [EBook #2844] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE FATAL BOOTS *** + + + + +Produced by Donald Lainson + + + + + +THE FATAL BOOTS. + + +by William Makepeace Thackeray + + + + +THE FATAL BOOTS:-- + + + +January.--The Birth of the Year + +February.--Cutting Weather + +March.--Showery + +April.--Fooling + +May.--Restoration Day + +June.--Marrowbones and Cleavers + +July.--Summary Proceedings + +August.--Dogs have their Days + +September.--Plucking a Goose + +October.--Mars and Venus in Opposition + +November.--A General Post Delivery + +December.--"The Winter of Our Discontent" + + + + +THE FATAL BOOTS + + + + +JANUARY.--THE BIRTH OF THE YEAR. + +Some poet has observed, that if any man would write down what has really +happened to him in this mortal life, he would be sure to make a good +book, though he never had met with a single adventure from his birth to +his burial. How much more, then, must I, who HAVE had adventures, most +singular, pathetic, and unparalleled, be able to compile an instructive +and entertaining volume for the use of the public. + +I don't mean to say that I have killed lions, or seen the wonders of +travel in the deserts of Arabia or Prussia; or that I have been a very +fashionable character, living with dukes and peeresses, and writing my +recollections of them, as the way now is. I never left this my native +isle, nor spoke to a lord (except an Irish one, who had rooms in our +house, and forgot to pay three weeks' lodging and extras); but, as our +immortal bard observes, I have in the course of my existence been so +eaten up by the slugs and harrows of outrageous fortune, and have been +the object of such continual and extraordinary ill-luck, that I believe +it would melt the heart of a milestone to read of it--that is, if a +milestone had a heart of anything but stone. + +Twelve of my adventures, suitable for meditation and perusal during the +twelve months of the year, have been arranged by me for this work. They +contain a part of the history of a great, and, confidently I may say, +a GOOD man. I was not a spendthrift like other men. I never wronged any +man of a shilling, though I am as sharp a fellow at a bargain as any in +Europe. I never injured a fellow-creature; on the contrary, on +several occasions, when injured myself, have shown the most wonderful +forbearance. I come of a tolerably good family; and yet, born to +wealth--of an inoffensive disposition, careful of the money that I +had, and eager to get more,--I have been going down hill ever since +my journey of life began, and have been pursued by a complication of +misfortunes such as surely never happened to any man but the unhappy Bob +Stubbs. + +Bob Stubbs is my name; and I haven't got a shilling: I have borne the +commission of lieutenant in the service of King George, and am NOW--but +never mind what I am now, for the public will know in a few pages more. +My father was of the Suffolk Stubbses--a well-to-do gentleman of Bungay. +My grandfather had been a respected attorney in that town, and left my +papa a pretty little fortune. I was thus the inheritor of competence, +and ought to be at this moment a gentleman. + +My misfortunes may be said to have commenced about a year before my +birth, when my papa, a young fellow pretending to study the law in +London, fell madly in love with Miss Smith, the daughter of a tradesman, +who did not give her a sixpence, and afterwards became bankrupt. My papa +married this Miss Smith, and carried her off to the country, where I was +born, in an evil hour for me. + +Were I to attempt to describe my early years, you would laugh at me as +an impostor; but the following letter from mamma to a friend, after her +marriage, will pretty well show you what a poor foolish creature she +was; and what a reckless extravagant fellow was my other unfortunate +parent:-- + + +"TO MISS ELIZA KICKS, IN GRACECHURCH STREET, LONDON. + +"OH, ELIZA! your Susan is the happiest girl under heaven! My Thomas is +an angel! not a tall grenadier-like looking fellow, such as I always +vowed I would marry:--on the contrary, he is what the world would call +dumpy, and I hesitate not to confess, that his eyes have a cast in them. +But what then? when one of his eyes is fixed on me, and one on my babe, +they are lighted up with an affection which my pen cannot describe, and +which, certainly, was never bestowed upon any woman so strongly as upon +your happy Susan Stubbs. + +"When he comes home from shooting, or the farm, if you COULD see dear +Thomas with me and our dear little Bob! as I sit on one knee, and baby +on the other, and as he dances us both about. I often wish that we had +Sir Joshua, or some great painter, to depict the group; for sure it is +the prettiest picture in the whole world, to see three such loving merry +people. + +"Dear baby is the most lovely little creature that CAN POSSIBLY +BE,--the very IMAGE of papa; he is cutting his teeth, and the delight +of EVERYBODY. Nurse says that, when he is older he will get rid of his +squint, and his hair will get a GREAT DEAL less red. Doctor Bates is +as kind, and skilful, and attentive as we could desire. Think what a +blessing to have had him! Ever since poor baby's birth, it has never had +a day of quiet; and he has been obliged to give it from three to four +doses every week;--how thankful ought we to be that the DEAR THING is +as well as it is! It got through the measles wonderfully; then it had +a little rash; and then a nasty hooping-cough; and then a fever, and +continual pains in its poor little stomach, crying, poor dear child, +from morning till night. + +"But dear Tom is an excellent nurse; and many and many a night has he +had no sleep, dear man! in consequence of the poor little baby. He walks +up and down with it FOR HOURS, singing a kind of song (dear fellow, he +has no more voice than a tea-kettle), and bobbing his head backwards and +forwards, and looking, in his nightcap and dressing-gown, SO DROLL. Oh, +Eliza! how you would laugh to see him. + +"We have one of the best nursemaids IN THE WORLD,--an Irishwoman, who is +as fond of baby almost as his mother (but that can NEVER BE). She takes +it to walk in the park for hours together, and I really don't know why +Thomas dislikes her. He says she is tipsy, very often, and slovenly, +which I cannot conceive;--to be sure, the nurse is sadly dirty, and +sometimes smells very strong of gin. + +"But what of that?--these little drawbacks only make home more pleasant. +When one thinks how many mothers have NO nursemaids: how many poor dear +children have no doctors: ought we not to be thankful for Mary Malowney, +and that Dr. Bates's bill is forty-seven pounds? How ill must dear baby +have been, to require so much physic! + +"But they are a sad expense, these dear babies, after all. Fancy, Eliza, +how much this Mary Malowney costs us. Ten shillings every week; a glass +of brandy or gin at dinner; three pint-bottles of Mr. Thrale's best +porter every day,--making twenty-one in a week, and nine hundred and +ninety in the eleven months she has been with us. Then, for baby, there +is Dr. Bates's bill of forty-five guineas, two guineas for christening, +twenty for a grand christening supper and ball (rich uncle John mortally +offended because he was made godfather, and had to give baby a silver +cup: he has struck Thomas out of his will: and old Mr. Firkin quite as +much hurt because he was NOT asked: he will not speak to me or Thomas +in consequence) twenty guineas for flannels, laces, little gowns, caps, +napkins, and such baby's ware: and all this out of 300L. a year! But +Thomas expects to make A GREAT DEAL by his farm. + +"We have got the most charming country-house YOU CAN IMAGINE: it is +QUITE SHUT IN by trees, and so retired that, though only thirty miles +from London, the post comes to us but once a week. The roads, it must be +confessed, are execrable; it is winter now, and we are up to our knees +in mud and snow. But oh, Eliza! how happy we are: with Thomas (he has +had a sad attack of rheumatism, dear man!) and little Bobby, and our +kind friend Dr. Bates, who comes so far to see us, I leave you to +fancy that we have a charming merry party, and do not care for all the +gayeties of Ranelagh. + +"Adieu! dear baby is crying for his mamma. A thousand kisses from your +affectionate + +"SUSAN STUBBS." + + +There it is! Doctor's bills, gentleman-farming, twenty-one pints of +porter a week. In this way my unnatural parents were already robbing me +of my property. + + + + +FEBRUARY.--CUTTING WEATHER. + +I have called this chapter "cutting weather," partly in compliment to +the month of February, and partly in respect of my own misfortunes, +which you are going to read about. For I have often thought that January +(which is mostly twelfth-cake and holiday time) is like the first four +or five years of a little boy's life; then comes dismal February, and +the working-days with it, when chaps begin to look out for themselves, +after the Christmas and the New Year's heyday and merrymaking are over, +which our infancy may well be said to be. Well can I recollect that +bitter first of February, when I first launched out into the world and +appeared at Doctor Swishtail's academy. + +I began at school that life of prudence and economy which I have carried +on ever since. My mother gave me eighteenpence on setting out (poor +soul! I thought her heart would break as she kissed me, and bade God +bless me); and, besides, I had a small capital of my own which I had +amassed for a year previous. I'll tell you, what I used to do. Wherever +I saw six halfpence I took one. If it was asked for I said I had taken +it and gave it back;--if it was not missed, I said nothing about it, as +why should I?--those who don't miss their money, don't lose their money. +So I had a little private fortune of three shillings, besides mother's +eighteenpence. At school they called me the copper-merchant, I had such +lots of it. + +Now, even at a preparatory school, a well-regulated boy may better +himself: and I can tell you I did. I never was in any quarrels: I never +was very high in the class or very low: but there was no chap so much +respected:--and why? I'D ALWAYS MONEY. The other boys spent all +theirs in the first day or two, and they gave me plenty of cakes and +barley-sugar then, I can tell you. I'd no need to spend my own money, +for they would insist upon treating me. Well, in a week, when theirs was +gone, and they had but their threepence a week to look to for the +rest of the half-year, what did I do? Why, I am proud to say that +three-halfpence out of the threepence a week of almost all the young +gentlemen at Dr. Swishtail's, came into my pocket. Suppose, for +instance, Tom Hicks wanted a slice of gingerbread, who had the money? +Little Bob Stubbs, to be sure. "Hicks," I used to say, "I'LL buy you +three halfp'orth of gingerbread, if you'll give me threepence next +Saturday." And he agreed; and next Saturday came, and he very often +could not pay me more than three-halfpence. Then there was the +threepence I was to have THE NEXT Saturday. I'll tell you what I did +for a whole half-year:--I lent a chap, by the name of Dick Bunting, +three-halfpence the first Saturday for three-pence the next: he could +not pay me more than half when Saturday came, and I'm blest if I did +not make him pay me three-halfpence FOR THREE-AND-TWENTY WEEKS +RUNNING, making two shillings and tenpence-halfpenny. But he was a sad +dishonorable fellow, Dick Bunting; for after I'd been so kind to +him, and let him off for three-and-twenty-weeks the money he owed me, +holidays came, and threepence he owed me still. Well, according to the +common principles of practice, after six-weeks' holidays, he ought to +have paid me exactly sixteen shillings, which was my due. For the + + First week the 3d. would be 6d. | Fourth week . . . . . 4s. + Second week . . . . . 1s. | Fifth week . . . . . 8s. + Third week . . . . . 2s. | Sixth week . . . . . 16s. + +Nothing could be more just; and yet--will it be believed? when Bunting +came back he offered me THREE-HALFPENCE! the mean, dishonest scoundrel. + +However, I was even with him, I can tell you.--He spent all his money in +a fortnight, and THEN I screwed him down! I made him, besides giving +me a penny for a penny, pay me a quarter of his bread and butter +at breakfast and a quarter of his cheese at supper; and before the +half-year was out, I got from him a silver fruit-knife, a box of +compasses, and a very pretty silver-laced waistcoat, in which I went +home as proud as a king: and, what's more, I had no less than three +golden guineas in the pocket of it, besides fifteen shillings, the +knife, and a brass bottle-screw, which I got from another chap. It +wasn't bad interest for twelve shillings--which was all the money I'd +had in the year--was it? Heigho! I've often wished that I could get such +a chance again in this wicked world; but men are more avaricious now +than they used to be in those dear early days. + +Well, I went home in my new waistcoat as fine as a peacock; and when I +gave the bottle-screw to my father, begging him to take it as a token of +my affection for him, my dear mother burst into such a fit of tears as I +never saw, and kissed and hugged me fit to smother me. "Bless him, bless +him," says she, "to think of his old father. And where did you purchase +it, Bob?"--"Why, mother," says I, "I purchased it out of my savings" +(which was as true as the gospel).--When I said this, mother looked +round to father, smiling, although she had tears in her eyes, and she +took his hand, and with her other hand drew me to her. "Is he not a +noble boy?" says she to my father: "and only nine years old!"--"Faith," +says my father, "he IS a good lad, Susan. Thank thee, my boy: and here +is a crown-piece in return for thy bottle-screw--it shall open us a +bottle of the very best too," says my father. And he kept his word. +I always was fond of good wine (though never, from a motive of proper +self-denial, having any in my cellar); and, by Jupiter! on this night I +had my little skinful,--for there was no stinting,--so pleased were my +dear parents with the bottle-screw. The best of it was, it only cost me +threepence originally, which a chap could not pay me. + +Seeing this game was such a good one, I became very generous towards my +parents; and a capital way it is to encourage liberality in children. +I gave mamma a very neat brass thimble, and she gave me a half-guinea +piece. Then I gave her a very pretty needle-book, which I made myself +with an ace of spades from a new pack of cards we had, and I got Sally, +our maid, to cover it with a bit of pink satin her mistress had given +her; and I made the leaves of the book, which I vandyked very nicely, +out of a piece of flannel I had had round my neck for a sore throat. +It smelt a little of hartshorn, but it was a beautiful needle-book; and +mamma was so delighted with it, that she went into town and bought me a +gold-laced hat. Then I bought papa a pretty china tobacco-stopper: but +I am sorry to say of my dear father that he was not so generous as my +mamma or myself, for he only burst out laughing, and did not give me so +much as a half-crown piece, which was the least I expected from him. "I +shan't give you anything, Bob, this time," says he; "and I wish, my boy, +you would not make any more such presents,--for, really, they are too +expensive." Expensive indeed! I hate meanness,--even in a father. + +I must tell you about the silver-edged waistcoat which Bunting gave +me. Mamma asked me about it, and I told her the truth,--that it was a +present from one of the boys for my kindness to him. Well, what does she +do but writes back to Dr. Swishtail, when I went to school, thanking him +for his attention to her dear son, and sending a shilling to the good +and grateful little boy who had given me the waistcoat! + +"What waistcoat is it," says the Doctor to me, "and who gave it to you?" + +"Bunting gave it me, sir," says I. + +"Call Bunting!" and up the little ungrateful chap came. Would you +believe it, he burst into tears,--told that the waistcoat had been given +him by his mother, and that he had been forced to give it for a debt to +Copper-Merchant, as the nasty little blackguard called me? He then +said how, for three-halfpence, he had been compelled to pay me +three shillings (the sneak! as if he had been OBLIGED to borrow the +three-halfpence!)--how all the other boys had been swindled (swindled!) +by me in like manner,--and how, with only twelve shillings, I had +managed to scrape together four guineas. . . . . + +My courage almost fails me as I describe the shameful scene that +followed. The boys were called in, my own little account-book was +dragged out of my cupboard, to prove how much I had received from each, +and every farthing of my money was paid back to them. The tyrant took +the thirty shillings that my dear parents had given me, and said he +should put them into the poor-box at church; and, after having made a +long discourse to the boys about meanness and usury, he said, "Take off +your coat, Mr. Stubbs, and restore Bunting his waistcoat." I did, and +stood without coat and waistcoat in the midst of the nasty grinning +boys. I was going to put on my coat,-- + +"Stop!" says he. "TAKE DOWN HIS BREECHES!" + +Ruthless, brutal villain! Sam Hopkins, the biggest boy, took them +down--horsed me--and I WAS FLOGGED, SIR: yes, flogged! O revenge! I, +Robert Stubbs, who had done nothing but what was right, was brutally +flogged at ten years of age!--Though February was the shortest month, I +remembered it long. + + + + +MARCH.--SHOWERY. + +When my mamma heard of the treatment of her darling she was for bringing +an action against the schoolmaster, or else for tearing his eyes out +(when, dear soul! she would not have torn the eyes out of a flea, had it +been her own injury), and, at the very least, for having me removed from +the school where I had been so shamefully treated. But papa was stern +for once, and vowed that I had been served quite right, declared that +I should not be removed from school, and sent old Swishtail a brace +of pheasants for what he called his kindness to me. Of these the old +gentleman invited me to partake, and made a very queer speech at dinner, +as he was cutting them up, about the excellence of my parents, and his +own determination to be KINDER STILL to me, if ever I ventured on such +practices again. So I was obliged to give up my old trade of lending: +for the Doctor declared that any boy who borrowed should be flogged, and +any one who PAID should be flogged twice as much. There was no standing +against such a prohibition as this, and my little commerce was ruined. + +I was not very high in the school: not having been able to get farther +than that dreadful Propria quae maribus in the Latin grammar, of which, +though I have it by heart even now, I never could understand a syllable: +but, on account of my size, my age, and the prayers of my mother, was +allowed to have the privilege of the bigger boys, and on holidays to +walk about in the town. Great dandies we were, too, when we thus went +out. I recollect my costume very well: a thunder-and-lightning coat, a +white waistcoat embroidered neatly at the pockets, a lace frill, a pair +of knee-breeches, and elegant white cotton or silk stockings. This did +very well, but still I was dissatisfied: I wanted A PAIR OF BOOTS. Three +boys in the school had boots--I was mad to have them too. + +But my papa, when I wrote to him, would not hear of it; and three +pounds, the price of a pair, was too large a sum for my mother to take +from the housekeeping, or for me to pay, in the present impoverished +state of my exchequer; but the desire for the boots was so strong, that +have them I must at any rate. + +There was a German bootmaker who had just set up in OUR town in those +days, who afterwards made his fortune in London. I determined to have +the boots from him, and did not despair, before the end of a year or +two, either to leave the school, when I should not mind his dunning me, +or to screw the money from mamma, and so pay him. + +So I called upon this man--Stiffelkind was his name--and he took my +measure for a pair. + +"You are a vary yong gentleman to wear dop-boots," said the shoemaker. + +"I suppose, fellow," says I, "that is my business and not yours. Either +make the boots or not--but when you speak to a man of my rank, speak +respectfully!" And I poured out a number of oaths, in order to impress +him with a notion of my respectability. + +They had the desired effect. "Stay, sir," says he. "I have a nice littel +pair of dop-boots dat I tink will jost do for you." And he produced, +sure enough, the most elegant things I ever saw. "Day were made," said +he, "for de Honorable Mr. Stiffney, of de Gards, but were too small." + +"Ah, indeed!" said I. "Stiffney is a relation of mine. And what, you +scoundrel, will you have the impudence to ask for these things?" He +replied, "Three pounds." + +"Well," said I, "they are confoundedly dear; but, as you will have a +long time to wait for your money, why, I shall have my revenge you see." +The man looked alarmed, and began a speech: "Sare,--I cannot let dem go +vidout"--but a bright thought struck me, and I interrupted--"Sir! don't +sir me. Take off the boots, fellow, and, hark ye, when you speak to a +nobleman, don't say--Sir." + +"A hundert tousand pardons, my lort," says he: "if I had known you were +a lort, I vood never have called you--Sir. Vat name shall I put down in +my books?" + +"Name?--oh! why, Lord Cornwallis, to be sure," said I, as I walked off +in the boots. + +"And vat shall I do vid my lort's shoes?" + +"Keep them until I send for them," said I. And, giving him a patronizing +bow, I walked out of the shop, as the German tied up my shoes in paper. + +***** + +This story I would not have told, but that my whole life turned upon +these accursed boots. I walked back to school as proud as a peacock, and +easily succeeded in satisfying the boys as to the manner in which I came +by my new ornaments. + +Well, one fatal Monday morning--the blackest of all black-Mondays that +ever I knew--as we were all of us playing between school-hours, I saw a +posse of boys round a stranger, who seemed to be looking out for one of +us. A sudden trembling seized me--I knew it was Stiffelkind. What had +brought him here? He talked loud, and seemed angry. So I rushed into +the school-room, and burying my head between my hands, began reading for +dear life. + +"I vant Lort Cornvallis," said the horrid bootmaker. "His lortship +belongs, I know, to dis honorable school, for I saw him vid de boys at +chorch yesterday." + +"Lord who?" + +"Vy, Lort Cornvallis to be sure--a very fat yong nobeman, vid red hair: +he squints a little, and svears dreadfully." + +"There's no Lord Cornvallis here," said one; and there was a pause. + +"Stop! I have it," says that odious Bunting. "IT MUST BE STUBBS!" And +"Stubbs! Stubbs!" every one cried out, while I was so busy at my book as +not to hear a word. + +At last, two of the biggest chaps rushed into the schoolroom, and +seizing each an arm, run me into the playground--bolt up against the +shoemaker. + +"Dis is my man. I beg your lortship's pardon," says he, "I have brought +your lortship's shoes, vich you left. See, dey have been in dis parcel +ever since you vent avay in my boots." + +"Shoes, fellow!" says I. "I never saw your face before!" For I knew +there was nothing for it but brazening it out. "Upon the honor of a +gentleman!" said I, turning round to the boys. They hesitated; and if +the trick had turned in my favor, fifty of them would have seized hold +of Stiffelkind and drubbed him soundly. + +"Stop!" says Bunting (hang him!) "Let's see the shoes. If they fit him, +why then the cobbler's right." They did fit me; and not only that, but +the name of STUBBS was written in them at full length. + +"Vat!" said Stiffelkind. "Is he not a lort? So help me Himmel, I never +did vonce tink of looking at de shoes, which have been lying ever since +in dis piece of brown paper." And then, gathering anger as he went on, +he thundered out so much of his abuse of me, in his German-English, that +the boys roared with laughter. Swishtail came in in the midst of the +disturbance, and asked what the noise meant. + +"It's only Lord Cornwallis, sir," said the boys, "battling with his +shoemaker about the price of a pair of top-boots." + +"Oh, sir," said I, "it was only in fun that I called myself Lord +Cornwallis." + +"In fun!--Where are the boots? And you, sir, give me your bill." My +beautiful boots were brought; and Stiffelkind produced his bill. "Lord +Cornwallis to Samuel Stiffelkind, for a pair of boots--four guineas." + +"You have been fool enough, sir," says the Doctor, looking very stern, +"to let this boy impose on you as a lord; and knave enough to charge him +double the value of the article you sold him. Take back the boots, sir! +I won't pay a penny of your bill; nor can you get a penny. As for you, +sir, you miserable swindler and cheat, I shall not flog you as I did +before, but I shall send you home: you are not fit to be the companion +of honest boys." + +"SUPPOSE WE DUCK HIM before he goes?" piped out a very small voice. The +Doctor grinned significantly, and left the school-room; and the boys +knew by this they might have their will. They seized me and carried me +to the playground pump: they pumped upon me until I was half dead; +and the monster, Stiffelkind, stood looking on for the half-hour the +operation lasted. + +I suppose the Doctor, at last, thought I had had pumping enough, for he +rang the school-bell, and the boys were obliged to leave me. As I got +out of the trough, Stiffelkind was alone with me. "Vell, my lort," says +he, "you have paid SOMETHING for dese boots, but not all. By Jubider, +YOU SHALL NEVER HEAR DE END OF DEM." And I didn't. + + + + +APRIL.--FOOLING. + +After this, as you may fancy, I left this disgusting establishment, and +lived for some time along with pa and mamma at home. My education was +finished, at least mamma and I agreed that it was; and from boyhood +until hobbadyhoyhood (which I take to be about the sixteenth year of +the life of a young man, and may be likened to the month of April +when spring begins to bloom)--from fourteen until seventeen, I say, I +remained at home, doing nothing--for which I have ever since had a +great taste--the idol of my mamma, who took part in all my quarrels with +father, and used regularly to rob the weekly expenses in order to find +me in pocket-money. Poor soul! many and many is the guinea I have had +from her in that way; and so she enabled me to cut a very pretty figure. + +Papa was for having me at this time articled to a merchant, or put +to some profession; but mamma and I agreed that I was born to be a +gentleman and not a tradesman, and the army was the only place for me. +Everybody was a soldier in those times, for the French war had just +begun, and the whole country was swarming with militia regiments. "We'll +get him a commission in a marching regiment," said my father. "As we +have no money to purchase him up, he'll FIGHT his way, I make no doubt." +And papa looked at me with a kind of air of contempt, as much as to say +he doubted whether I should be very eager for such a dangerous way of +bettering myself. + +I wish you could have heard mamma's screech when he talked so coolly of +my going out to fight! "What! send him abroad, across the horrid, horrid +sea--to be wrecked and perhaps drowned, and only to land for the +purpose of fighting the wicked Frenchmen,--to be wounded, and perhaps +kick--kick--killed! Oh, Thomas, Thomas! would you murder me and your +boy?" There was a regular scene. However, it ended--as it always did--in +mother's getting the better, and it was settled that I should go into +the militia. And why not? The uniform is just as handsome, and the +danger not half so great. I don't think in the course of my whole +military experience I ever fought anything, except an old woman, who +had the impudence to hallo out, "Heads up, lobster!"--Well, I joined the +North Bungays, and was fairly launched into the world. + +I was not a handsome man, I know; but there was SOMETHING about +me--that's very evident--for the girls always laughed when they talked +to me, and the men, though they affected to call me a poor little +creature, squint-eyes, knock-knees, redhead, and so on, were evidently +annoyed by my success, for they hated me so confoundedly. Even at the +present time they go on, though I have given up gallivanting, as I call +it. But in the April of my existence,--that is, in anno Domini 1791, or +so--it was a different case; and having nothing else to do, and being +bent upon bettering my condition, I did some very pretty things in that +way. But I was not hot-headed and imprudent, like most young fellows. +Don't fancy I looked for beauty! Pish!--I wasn't such a fool. Nor for +temper; I don't care about a bad temper: I could break any woman's heart +in two years. What I wanted was to get on in the world. Of course I +didn't PREFER an ugly woman, or a shrew; and when the choice offered, +would certainly put up with a handsome, good-humored girl, with plenty +of money, as any honest man would. + +Now there were two tolerably rich girls in our parts: Miss Magdalen +Crutty, with twelve thousand pounds (and, to do her justice, as plain a +girl as ever I saw), and Miss Mary Waters, a fine, tall, plump, smiling, +peach-cheeked, golden-haired, white-skinned lass, with only ten. Mary +Waters lived with her uncle, the Doctor, who had helped me into the +world, and who was trusted with this little orphan charge very soon +after. My mother, as you have heard, was so fond of Bates, and Bates +so fond of little Mary, that both, at first, were almost always in our +house; and I used to call her my little wife as soon as I could speak, +and before she could walk almost. It was beautiful to see us, the +neighbors said. + +Well, when her brother, the lieutenant of an India ship, came to be +captain, and actually gave Mary five thousand pounds, when she was about +ten years old, and promised her five thousand more, there was a great +talking, and bobbing, and smiling between the Doctor and my parents, and +Mary and I were left together more than ever, and she was told to call +me her little husband. And she did; and it was considered a settled +thing from that day. She was really amazingly fond of me. + +Can any one call me mercenary after that? Though Miss Crutty had twelve +thousand, and Mary only ten (five in hand, and five in the bush), I +stuck faithfully to Mary. As a matter of course, Miss Crutty hated Miss +Waters. The fact was, Mary had all the country dangling after her, and +not a soul would come to Magdalen, for all her 12,000L. I used to be +attentive to her though (as it's always useful to be); and Mary would +sometimes laugh and sometimes cry at my flirting with Magdalen. This I +thought proper very quickly to check. "Mary," said I, "you know that my +love for you is disinterested,--for I am faithful to you, though Miss +Crutty is richer than you. Don't fly into a rage, then, because I pay +her attentions, when you know that my heart and my promise are engaged +to you." + +The fact is, to tell a little bit of a secret, there is nothing like the +having two strings to your bow. "Who knows?" thought I. "Mary may die; +and then where are my 10,000L.?" So I used to be very kind indeed to +Miss Crutty; and well it was that I was so: for when I was twenty and +Mary eighteen, I'm blest if news did not arrive that Captain Waters, +who was coming home to England with all his money in rupees, had been +taken--ship, rupees, self and all--by a French privateer; and Mary, +instead of 10,000L. had only 5,000L., making a difference of no less +than 350L. per annum betwixt her and Miss Crutty. + +I had just joined my regiment (the famous North Bungay Fencibles, +Colonel Craw commanding) when this news reached me; and you may fancy +how a young man, in an expensive regiment and mess, having uniforms and +what not to pay for, and a figure to cut in the world, felt at hearing +such news! "My dearest Robert," wrote Miss Waters, "will deplore my +dear brother's loss: but not, I am sure, the money which that kind and +generous soul had promised me. I have still five thousand pounds, and +with this and your own little fortune (I had 1,000L. in the Five per +Cents!) we shall be as happy and contented as possible." + +Happy and contented indeed! Didn't I know how my father got on with his +300L. a year, and how it was all he could do out of it to add a hundred +a year to my narrow income, and live himself! My mind was made up. I +instantly mounted the coach and flew to our village,--to Mr. Crutty's, +of course. It was next door to Doctor Bates's; but I had no business +THERE. + +I found Magdalen in the garden. "Heavens, Mr. Stubbs!" said she, as +in my new uniform I appeared before her, "I really did never--such +a handsome officer--expect to see you." And she made as if she would +blush, and began to tremble violently. I led her to a garden-seat. I +seized her hand--it was not withdrawn. I pressed it;--I thought the +pressure was returned. I flung myself on my knees, and then I poured +into her ear a little speech which I had made on the top of the coach. +"Divine Miss Crutty," said I; "idol of my soul! It was but to catch one +glimpse of you that I passed through this garden. I never intended to +breathe the secret passion" (oh, no; of course not) "which was wearing +my life away. You know my unfortunate pre-engagement--it is broken, +and FOR EVER! I am free;--free, but to be your slave,--your humblest, +fondest, truest slave!" And so on. . . . . + +"Oh, Mr. Stubbs," said she, as I imprinted a kiss upon her cheek, "I +can't refuse you; but I fear you are a sad naughty man. . . . ." + +Absorbed in the delicious reverie which was caused by the dear +creature's confusion, we were both silent for a while, and should have +remained so for hours perhaps, so lost were we in happiness, had I not +been suddenly roused by a voice exclaiming from behind us-- + +"DON'T CRY, MARY! HE IS A SWINDLING, SNEAKING SCOUNDREL, AND YOU ARE +WELL RID OF HIM!" + +I turned round. O heaven, there stood Mary, weeping on Doctor Bates's +arm, while that miserable apothecary was looking at me with the utmost +scorn. The gardener, who had let me in, had told them of my arrival, +and now stood grinning behind them. "Imperence!" was my Magdalen's only +exclamation, as she flounced by with the utmost self-possession, while +I, glancing daggers at the SPIES, followed her. We retired to the +parlor, where she repeated to me the strongest assurances of her love. + +I thought I was a made man. Alas! I was only an APRIL FOOL! + + + + +MAY.--RESTORATION DAY. + +As the month of May is considered, by poets and other philosophers, to +be devoted by Nature to the great purpose of love-making, I may as well +take advantage of that season and acquaint you with the result of MY +amours. + +Young, gay, fascinating, and an ensign--I had completely won the heart +of my Magdalen; and as for Miss Waters and her nasty uncle the +Doctor, there was a complete split between us, as you may fancy; Miss +pretending, forsooth, that she was glad I had broken off the match, +though she would have given her eyes, the little minx, to have had it on +again. But this was out of the question. My father, who had all sorts of +queer notions, said I had acted like a rascal in the business; my mother +took my part, in course, and declared I acted rightly, as I always +did: and I got leave of absence from the regiment in order to press +my beloved Magdalen to marry me out of hand--knowing, from reading and +experience, the extraordinary mutability of human affairs. + +Besides, as the dear girl was seventeen years older than myself, and as +bad in health as she was in temper, how was I to know that the grim +king of terrors might not carry her off before she became mine? With the +tenderest warmth, then, and most delicate ardor, I continued to press my +suit. The happy day was fixed--the ever memorable 10th of May, 1792. +The wedding-clothes were ordered; and, to make things secure, I penned a +little paragraph for the county paper to this effect:--"Marriage in High +Life. We understand that Ensign Stubbs, of the North Bungay Fencibles, +and son of Thomas Stubbs, of Sloffemsquiggle, Esquire, is about to lead +to the hymeneal altar the lovely and accomplished daughter of Solomon +Crutty, Esquire, of the same place. A fortune of twenty thousand pounds +is, we hear, the lady's portion. 'None but the brave deserve the fair.'" + +***** + +"Have you informed your relatives, my beloved?" said I to Magdalen, one +day after sending the above notice; "will any of them attend at your +marriage?" + +"Uncle Sam will, I dare say," said Miss Crutty, "dear mamma's brother." + +"And who WAS your dear mamma?" said I: for Miss Crutty's respected +parent had been long since dead, and I never heard her name mentioned in +the family. + +Magdalen blushed, and cast down her eyes to the ground. "Mamma was a +foreigner," at last she said. + +"And of what country?" + +"A German. Papa married her when she was very young:--she was not of a +very good family," said Miss Crutty, hesitating. + +"And what care I for family, my love!" said I, tenderly kissing the +knuckles of the hand which I held. "She must have been an angel who gave +birth to you." + +"She was a shoemaker's daughter." + +"A GERMAN SHOEMAKER! Hang 'em," thought I, "I have had enough of them;" +and so broke up this conversation, which did not somehow please me. + +***** + +Well, the day was drawing near: the clothes were ordered; the banns were +read. My dear mamma had built a cake about the size of a washing-tub; +and I was only waiting for a week to pass to put me in possession of +twelve thousand pounds in the FIVE per Cents, as they were in those +days, heaven bless 'em! Little did I know the storm that was brewing, +and the disappointment which was to fall upon a young man who really did +his best to get a fortune. + +***** + +"Oh, Robert," said my Magdalen to me, two days before the match was to +come off, "I have SUCH a kind letter from uncle Sam in London. I wrote +to him as you wished. He says that he is coming down to-morrow, that he +has heard of you often, and knows your character very well; and that he +has got a VERY HANDSOME PRESENT for us! What can it be, I wonder?" + +"Is he rich, my soul's adored?" says I. + +"He is a bachelor, with a fine trade, and nobody to leave his money to." + +"His present can't be less than a thousand pounds?" says I. + +"Or, perhaps, a silver tea-set, and some corner-dishes," says she. + +But we could not agree to this: it was too little--too mean for a man +of her uncle's wealth; and we both determined it must be the thousand +pounds. + +"Dear good uncle! he's to be here by the coach," says Magdalen. "Let +us ask a little party to meet him." And so we did, and so they came: my +father and mother, old Crutty in his best wig, and the parson who was +to marry us the next day. The coach was to come in at six. And there +was the tea-table, and there was the punch-bowl, and everybody ready and +smiling to receive our dear uncle from London. + +Six o'clock came, and the coach, and the man from the "Green Dragon" +with a portmanteau, and a fat old gentleman walking behind, of whom I +just caught a glimpse--a venerable old gentleman: I thought I'd seen him +before. + +***** + +Then there was a ring at the bell; then a scuffling and bumping in the +passage: then old Crutty rushed out, and a great laughing and talking, +and "HOW ARE YOU?" and so on, was heard at the door; and then the +parlor-door was flung open, and Crutty cried out with a loud voice-- + +"Good people all! my brother-in-law, Mr. STIFFELKIND!" + +MR. STIFFELKIND!--I trembled as I heard the name! + +Miss Crutty kissed him; mamma made him a curtsy, and papa made him a +bow; and Dr. Snorter, the parson, seized his hand and shook it most +warmly: then came my turn! + +"Vat!" says he. "It is my dear goot yong frend from Doctor +Schvis'hentail's! is dis de yong gentleman's honorable moder" (mamma +smiled and made a curtsy), "and dis his fader? Sare and madam, you +should be broud of soch a sonn. And you my niece, if you have him for a +husband you vill be locky, dat is all. Vat dink you, broder Croty, and +Madame Stobbs, I 'ave made your sonn's boots! Ha--ha!" + +My mamma laughed, and said, "I did not know it, but I am sure, sir, he +has as pretty a leg for a boot as any in the whole county." + +Old Stiffelkind roared louder. "A very nice leg, ma'am, and a very SHEAP +BOOT TOO. Vat! did you not know I make his boots? Perhaps you did not +know something else too--p'raps you did not know" (and here the monster +clapped his hand on the table and made the punch-ladle tremble in +the bowl)--"p'raps you did not know as dat yong man, dat Stobbs, dat +sneaking, baltry, squinting fellow, is as vicked as he is ogly. He bot +a pair of boots from me and never paid for dem. Dat is noting, nobody +never pays; but he bought a pair of boots, and called himself Lord +Cornvallis. And I was fool enough to believe him vonce. But look you, +niece Magdalen, I 'ave got five tousand pounds: if you marry him I vill +not give you a benny. But look you what I will gif you: I bromised you a +bresent, and I will give you DESE!" + +And the old monster produced THOSE VERY BOOTS which Swishtail had made +him take back. + +***** + +I DIDN'T marry Miss Crutty: I am not sorry for it though. She was a +nasty, ugly, ill-tempered wretch, and I've always said so ever since. + +And all this arose from those infernal boots, and that unlucky paragraph +in the county paper--I'll tell you how. + +In the first place, it was taken up as a quiz by one of the wicked, +profligate, unprincipled organs of the London press, who chose to be +very facetious about the "Marriage in High Life," and made all sorts of +jokes about me and my dear Miss Crutty. + +Secondly, it was read in this London paper by my mortal enemy, Bunting, +who had been introduced to old Stiffelkind's acquaintance by my +adventure with him, and had his shoes made regularly by that foreign +upstart. + +Thirdly, he happened to want a pair of shoes mended at this particular +period, and as he was measured by the disgusting old High-Dutch cobbler, +he told him his old friend Stubbs was going to be married. + +"And to whom?" said old Stiffelkind. "To a voman wit geld, I vill take +my oath." + +"Yes," says Bunting, "a country girl--a Miss Magdalen Carotty or Crotty, +at a place called Sloffemsquiggle." + +"SHLOFFEMSCHWIEGEL!" bursts out the dreadful bootmaker. "Mein Gott, mein +Gott! das geht nicht! I tell you, sare, it is no go. Miss Crotty is +my niece. I vill go down myself. I vill never let her marry dat +goot-for-nothing schwindler and tief." SUCH was the language that the +scoundrel ventured to use regarding me! + + + + +JUNE.--MARROWBONES AND CLEAVERS. + +Was there ever such confounded ill-luck? My whole life has been a tissue +of ill-luck: although I have labored perhaps harder than any man to make +a fortune, something always tumbled it down. In love and in war I was +not like others. In my marriages, I had an eye to the main chance; and +you see how some unlucky blow would come and throw them over. In the +army I was just as prudent, and just as unfortunate. What with judicious +betting, and horse-swapping, good-luck at billiards, and economy, I do +believe I put by my pay every year,--and that is what few can say who +have but an allowance of a hundred a year. + +I'll tell you how it was. I used to be very kind to the young men; I +chose their horses for them, and their wine: and showed them how to play +billiards, or ecarte, of long mornings, when there was nothing better +to do. I didn't cheat: I'd rather die than cheat;--but if fellows WILL +play, I wasn't the man to say no--why should I? There was one young chap +in our regiment of whom I really think I cleared 300L. a year. + +His name was Dobble. He was a tailor's son, and wanted to be a +gentleman. A poor weak young creature; easy to be made tipsy; easy to +be cheated; and easy to be frightened. It was a blessing for him that I +found him; for if anybody else had, they would have plucked him of every +shilling. + +Ensign Dobble and I were sworn friends. I rode his horses for him, and +chose his champagne, and did everything, in fact, that a superior mind +does for an inferior,--when the inferior has got the money. We were +inseparables,--hunting everywhere in couples. We even managed to fall in +love with two sisters, as young soldiers will do, you know; for the dogs +fall in love, with every change of quarters. + +Well, once, in the year 1793 (it was just when the French had chopped +poor Louis's head off), Dobble and I, gay young chaps as ever wore sword +by side, had cast our eyes upon two young ladies by the name of Brisket, +daughters of a butcher in the town where we were quartered. The dear +girls fell in love with us, of course. And many a pleasant walk in the +country, many a treat to a tea-garden, many a smart ribbon and brooch +used Dobble and I (for his father allowed him 600L., and our purses were +in common) present to these young ladies. One day, fancy our pleasure at +receiving a note couched thus:-- + + +"DEER CAPTING STUBBS AND DOBBLE--Miss Briskets presents their +compliments, and as it is probble that our papa will be till twelve +at the corprayshun dinner, we request the pleasure of their company to +tea." + + +Didn't we go! Punctually at six we were in the little back-parlor; we +quaffed more Bohea, and made more love, than half a dozen ordinary men +could. At nine, a little punch-bowl succeeded to the little teapot; and, +bless the girls! a nice fresh steak was frizzling on the gridiron for +our supper. Butchers were butchers then, and their parlor was their +kitchen too; at least old Brisket's was--one door leading into the +shop, and one into the yard, on the other side of which was the +slaughter-house. + +Fancy, then, our horror when, just at this critical time, we heard the +shop-door open, a heavy staggering step on the flags, and a loud husky +voice from the shop, shouting, "Hallo, Susan; hallo, Betsy! show a +light!" Dobble turned as white as a sheet; the two girls each as red as +a lobster; I alone preserved my presence of mind. "The back-door," says +I--"The dog's in the court," say they. "He's not so bad as the man," +said I. "Stop!" cries Susan, flinging open the door, and rushing to the +fire. "Take THIS and perhaps it will quiet him." + +What do you think "THIS" was? I'm blest if it was not the STEAK! + +She pushed us out, patted and hushed the dog, and was in again in a +minute. The moon was shining on the court, and on the slaughter-house, +where there hung the white ghastly-looking carcasses of a couple of +sheep; a great gutter ran down the court--a gutter of BLOOD! The dog +was devouring his beefsteak (OUR beefsteak) in silence; and we could +see through the little window the girls hustling about to pack up the +supper-things, and presently the shop-door being opened, old Brisket +entering, staggering, angry, and drunk. What's more, we could see, +perched on a high stool, and nodding politely, as if to salute old +Brisket, the FEATHER OF DOBBLE'S COCKED HAT! When Dobble saw it, he +turned white, and deadly sick; and the poor fellow, in an agony of +fright, sunk shivering down upon one of the butcher's cutting-blocks, +which was in the yard. + +We saw old Brisket look steadily (as steadily as he could) at the +confounded, impudent, pert, waggling feather; and then an idea began to +dawn upon his mind, that there was a head to the hat; and then he slowly +rose up--he was a man of six feet, and fifteen stone--he rose up, put on +his apron and sleeves, and TOOK DOWN HIS CLEAVER. + +"Betsy," says he, "open the yard door." But the poor girls screamed, and +flung on their knees, and begged, and wept, and did their very best +to prevent him. "OPEN THE YARD DOOR!" says he, with a thundering loud +voice; and the great bull-dog, hearing it, started up and uttered a yell +which sent me flying to the other end of the court.--Dobble couldn't +move; he was sitting on the block, blubbering like a baby. + +The door opened, and out Mr. Brisket came. + +"TO HIM, JOWLER!" says he. "KEEP HIM, JOWLER!"--and the horrid dog flew +at me, and I flew back into the corner, and drew my sword, determining +to sell my life dearly. + +"That's it," says Brisket. "Keep him there,--good dog,--good dog! And +now, sir," says he, turning round to Dobble, "is this your hat?" + +"Yes," says Dobble, fit to choke with fright. + +"Well, then," says Brisket, "it's my--(hic)--my painful duty +to--(hic)--to tell you, that as I've got your hat, I must have your +head;--it's painful, but it must be done. You'd better--(hic)--settle +yourself com--comfumarably against that--(hic)--that block, and I'll +chop it off before you can say Jack--(hic)--no, I mean Jack Robinson." + +Dobble went down on his knees and shrieked out, "I'm an only son, Mr. +Brisket! I'll marry her, sir; I will, upon my honor, sir.--Consider my +mother, sir; consider my mother." + +"That's it, sir," says Brisket, "that's a good--(hic)--a good boy;--just +put your head down quietly--and I'll have it off--yes, off--as if you +were Louis the Six--the Sixtix--the Siktickleteenth.--I'll chop the +other CHAP AFTERWARDS." + +When I heard this, I made a sudden bound back, and gave such a cry as +any man might who was in such a way. The ferocious Jowler, thinking I +was going to escape, flew at my throat; screaming furious, I flung out +my arms in a kind of desperation,--and, to my wonder, down fell the dog, +dead, and run through the body! + +***** + +At this moment a posse of people rushed in upon old Brisket,--one of +his daughters had had the sense to summon them,--and Dobble's head was +saved. And when they saw the dog lying dead at my feet, my ghastly +look, my bloody sword, they gave me no small credit for my bravery. "A +terrible fellow that Stubbs," said they; and so the mess said, the next +day. + +I didn't tell them that the dog had committed SUICIDE--why should I? +And I didn't say a word about Dobble's cowardice. I said he was a brave +fellow, and fought like a tiger; and this prevented HIM from telling +tales. I had the dogskin made into a pair of pistol-holsters, and looked +so fierce, and got such a name for courage in our regiment, that when we +had to meet the regulars, Bob Stubbs was always the man put forward to +support the honor of the corps. The women, you know, adore courage; and +such was my reputation at this time, that I might have had my pick out +of half a dozen, with three, four, or five thousand pounds apiece, who +were dying for love of me and my red coat. But I wasn't such a fool. I +had been twice on the point of marriage, and twice disappointed; and +I vowed by all the Saints to have a wife, and a rich one. Depend upon +this, as an infallible maxim to guide you through life: IT'S AS EASY TO +GET A RICH WIFE AS A POOR ONE;--the same bait that will hook a fly will +hook a salmon. + + + + +JULY.--SUMMARY PROCEEDINGS. + +Dobble's reputation for courage was not increased by the butcher's-dog +adventure; but mine stood very high: little Stubbs was voted the boldest +chap of all the bold North Bungays. And though I must confess, what was +proved by subsequent circumstances, that nature has NOT endowed me with +a large, or even, I may say, an average share of bravery, yet a man is +very willing to flatter himself to the contrary; and, after a little +time, I got to believe that my killing the dog was an action of +undaunted courage, and that I was as gallant as any of the one hundred +thousand heroes of our army. I always had a military taste--it's only +the brutal part of the profession, the horrid fighting and blood, that I +don't like. + +I suppose the regiment was not very brave itself--being only militia; +but certain it was, that Stubbs was considered a most terrible fellow, +and I swore so much, and looked so fierce, that you would have fancied +I had made half a hundred campaigns. I was second in several duels; the +umpire in all disputes; and such a crack-shot myself, that fellows were +shy of insulting me. As for Dobble, I took him under my protection; and +he became so attached to me, that we ate, drank, and rode together every +day; his father didn't care for money, so long as his son was in good +company--and what so good as that of the celebrated Stubbs? Heigho! I +WAS good company in those days, and a brave fellow too, as I should have +remained, but for--what I shall tell the public immediately. + +It happened, in the fatal year ninety-six, that the brave North Bungays +were quartered at Portsmouth, a maritime place, which I need not +describe, and which I wish I had never seen. I might have been a General +now, or, at least, a rich man. + +The red-coats carried everything before them in those days; and I, such +a crack character as I was in my regiment, was very well received by +the townspeople: many dinners I had; many tea-parties; many lovely young +ladies did I lead down the pleasant country-dances. + +Well, although I had had the two former rebuffs in love which I have +described, my heart was still young; and the fact was, knowing that a +girl with a fortune was my only chance, I made love here as furiously as +ever. I shan't describe the lovely creatures on whom I fixed, whilst at +Portsmouth. I tried more than--several--and it is a singular fact, which +I never have been able to account for, that, successful as I was with +ladies of maturer age, by the young ones I was refused regular. + +But "faint heart never won fair lady;" and so I went on, and on, until +I had got a Miss Clopper, a tolerable rich navy-contractor's daughter, +into such a way, that I really don't think she could have refused me. +Her brother, Captain Clopper, was in a line regiment, and helped me as +much as ever he could: he swore I was such a brave fellow. + +As I had received a number of attentions from Clopper, I determined +to invite him to dinner; which I could do without any sacrifice of my +principle upon this point: for the fact is, Dobble lived at an inn, and +as he sent all his bills to his father, I made no scruple to use his +table. We dined in the coffee-room, Dobble bringing HIS friend; and +so we made a party CARRY, as the French say. Some naval officers were +occupied in a similar way at a table next to ours. + +Well--I didn't spare the bottle, either for myself or for my friends; +and we grew very talkative, and very affectionate as the drinking went +on. Each man told stories of his gallantry in the field, or amongst the +ladies, as officers will, after dinner. Clopper confided to the company +his wish that I should marry his sister, and vowed that he thought me +the best fellow in Christendom. + +Ensign Dobble assented to this. "But let Miss Clopper beware," says he, +"for Stubbs is a sad fellow: he has had I don't know how many liaisons +already; and he has been engaged to I don't know how many women." + +"Indeed!" says Clopper. "Come, Stubbs, tell us your adventures." + +"Psha!" said I, modestly, "there is nothing, indeed, to tell. I have +been in love, my dear boy--who has not?--and I have been jilted--who has +not?" + +Clopper swore he would blow his sister's brains out if ever SHE served +me so. + +"Tell him about Miss Crutty," said Dobble. "He! he! Stubbs served THAT +woman out, anyhow; she didn't jilt HIM. I'll be sworn." + +"Really, Dobble, you are too bad, and should not mention names. The +fact is, the girl was desperately in love with me, and had money--sixty +thousand pounds, upon my reputation. Well, everything was arranged, when +who should come down from London but a relation." + +"Well, and did he prevent the match?" + +"Prevent it--yes, sir, I believe you he did; though not in the sense +that YOU mean. He would have given his eyes--ay, and ten thousand pounds +more--if I would have accepted the girl, but I would not." + +"Why, in the name of goodness?" + +"Sir, her uncle was a SHOEMAKER. I never would debase myself by marrying +into such a family." + +"Of course not," said Dobble; "he couldn't, you know. Well, now--tell +him about the other girl, Mary Waters, you know." + +"Hush, Dobble, hush! don't you see one of those naval officers has +turned round and heard you? My dear Clopper, it was a mere childish +bagatelle." + +"Well, but let's have it," said Clopper--"let's have it. I won't tell my +sister, you know." And he put his hand to his nose and looked monstrous +wise. + +"Nothing of that sort, Clopper--no, no--'pon honor--little Bob Stubbs is +no LIBERTINE; and the story is very simple. You see that my father has a +small place, merely a few hundred acres, at Sloffemsquiggle. Isn't it +a funny name? Hang it, there's the naval gentleman staring again,"--(I +looked terribly fierce as I returned this officer's stare, and continued +in a loud careless voice). Well, at this Sloffemsquiggle there lived +a girl, a Miss Waters, the niece of some blackguard apothecary in the +neighborhood; but my mother took a fancy to the girl, and had her up to +the park and petted her. We were both young--and--and--the girl fell in +love with me, that's the fact. I was obliged to repel some rather warm +advances that she made me; and here, upon my honor as a gentleman, you +have all the story about which that silly Dobble makes such a noise. + +Just as I finished this sentence. I found myself suddenly taken by the +nose, and a voice shouting out,-- + +"Mr. Stubbs, you are A LIAR AND A SCOUNDREL! Take this, sir,--and this, +for daring to meddle with the name of an innocent lady." + +I turned round as well as I could--for the ruffian had pulled me out +of my chair--and beheld a great marine monster, six feet high, who was +occupied in beating and kicking me, in the most ungentlemanly manner, +on my cheeks, my ribs, and between the tails of my coat. "He is a liar, +gentlemen, and a scoundrel! The bootmaker had detected him in swindling, +and so his niece refused him. Miss Waters was engaged to him from +childhood, and he deserted her for the bootmaker's niece, who was +richer."--And then sticking a card between my stock and my coat-collar, +in what is called the scruff of my neck, the disgusting brute gave me +another blow behind my back, and left the coffee-room with his friends. + +Dobble raised me up; and taking the card from my neck, read, CAPTAIN +WATERS. Clopper poured me out a glass of water, and said in my ear, "If +this is true, you are an infernal scoundrel, Stubbs; and must fight me, +after Captain Waters;" and he flounced out of the room. + +I had but one course to pursue. I sent the Captain a short and +contemptuous note, saying that he was beneath my anger. As for Clopper, +I did not condescend to notice his remark but in order to get rid of the +troublesome society of these low blackguards, I determined to gratify +an inclination I had long entertained, and make a little tour. I applied +for leave of absence, and set off THAT VERY NIGHT. I can fancy the +disappointment of the brutal Waters, on coming, as he did, the next +morning to my quarters and finding me GONE. Ha! ha! + +After this adventure I became sick of a military life--at least the life +of my own regiment, where the officers, such was their unaccountable +meanness and prejudice against me, absolutely refused to see me at mess. +Colonel Craw sent me a letter to this effect, which I treated as it +deserved.--I never once alluded to it in any way, and have since never +spoken a single word to any man in the North Bungays. + + + + +AUGUST.--DOGS HAVE THEIR DAYS. + +See, now, what life is! I have had ill-luck on ill-luck from that day +to this. I have sunk in the world, and, instead of riding my horse and +drinking my wine, as a real gentleman should, have hardly enough now to +buy a pint of ale; ay, and am very glad when anybody will treat me to +one. Why, why was I born to undergo such unmerited misfortunes? + +You must know that very soon after my adventure with Miss Crutty, and +that cowardly ruffian, Captain Waters (he sailed the day after his +insult to me, or I should most certainly have blown his brains out; NOW +he is living in England, and is my relation; but, of course, I cut the +fellow)--very soon after these painful events another happened, which +ended, too, in a sad disappointment. My dear papa died, and, instead of +leaving five thousand pounds, as I expected at the very least, left only +his estate, which was worth but two. The land and house were left to +me; to mamma and my sisters he left, to be sure, a sum of two thousand +pounds in the hands of that eminent firm Messrs. Pump, Aldgate and Co., +which failed within six months after his demise, and paid in five years +about one shilling and ninepence in the pound; which really was all my +dear mother and sisters had to live upon. + +The poor creatures were quite unused to money matters; and, would you +believe it? when the news came of Pump and Aldgate's failure, mamma only +smiled, and threw her eyes up to heaven, and said, "Blessed be God, that +we have still wherewithal to live. There are tens of thousands in this +world, dear children, who would count our poverty riches." And with this +she kissed my two sisters, who began to blubber, as girls always will +do, and threw their arms round her neck, and then round my neck, until I +was half stifled with their embraces, and slobbered all over with their +tears. + +"Dearest mamma," said I, "I am very glad to see the noble manner in +which you bear your loss; and more still to know that you are so rich +as to be able to put up with it." The fact was, I really thought the +old lady had got a private hoard of her own, as many of them have--a +thousand pounds or so in a stocking. Had she put by thirty pounds a +year, as well she might, for the thirty years of her marriage, there +would have been nine hundred pounds clear, and no mistake. But still +I was angry to think that any such paltry concealment had been +practised--concealment too of MY money; so I turned on her pretty +sharply, and continued my speech. "You say, Ma'am, that you are rich, +and that Pump and Aldgate's failure has no effect upon you. I am very +happy to hear you say so, Ma'am--very happy that you ARE rich; and I +should like to know where your property, my father's property, for +you had none of your own,--I should like to know where this money +lies--WHERE YOU HAVE CONCEALED IT, Ma'am; and, permit me to say, that +when I agreed to board you and my two sisters for eighty pounds a year, +I did not know that you had OTHER resources than those mentioned in my +blessed father's will." + +This I said to her because I hated the meanness of concealment, not +because I lost by the bargain of boarding them: for the three poor +things did not eat much more than sparrows: and I've often since +calculated that I had a clear twenty pounds a year profit out of them. + +Mamma and the girls looked quite astonished when I made the speech. +"What does he mean?" said Lucy to Eliza. + +Mamma repeated the question. "My beloved Robert, what concealment are +you talking of?" + +"I am talking of concealed property, Ma'am," says I sternly. + +"And do you--what--can you--do you really suppose that I have +concealed--any of that blessed sa-a-a-aint's prop-op-op-operty?" screams +out mamma. "Robert," says she--"Bob, my own darling boy--my fondest, +best beloved, now HE is gone" (meaning my late governor--more +tears)--"you don't, you cannot fancy that your own mother, who bore you, +and nursed you, and wept for you, and would give her all to save you +from a moment's harm--you don't suppose that she would che-e-e-eat you!" +And here she gave a louder screech than ever, and flung back on the +sofa; and one of my sisters went and tumbled into her arms, and t'other +went round, and the kissing and slobbering scene went on again, only I +was left out, thank goodness. I hate such sentimentality. + +"CHE-E-E-EAT ME," says I, mocking her. "What do you mean, then, by +saying you're so rich? Say, have you got money, or have you not?" (And I +rapped out a good number of oaths, too, which I don't put in here; but I +was in a dreadful fury, that's the fact.) + +"So help me heaven," says mamma, in answer, going down on her knees and +smacking her two hands, "I have but a Queen Anne's guinea in the whole +of this wicked world." + +"Then what, Madam, induces you to tell these absurd stories to me, and +to talk about your riches, when you know that you and your daughters are +beggars, Ma'am--BEGGARS?" + +"My dearest boy, have we not got the house, and the furniture, and a +hundred a year still; and have you not great talents, which will make +all our fortunes?" says Mrs. Stubbs, getting up off her knees, and +making believe to smile as she clawed hold of my hand and kissed it. + +This was TOO cool. "YOU have got a hundred a year, Ma'am," says I--"YOU +have got a house? Upon my soul and honor this is the first I ever heard +of it; and I'll tell you what, Ma'am," says I (and it cut her PRETTY +SHARPLY too): "as you've got it, YOU'D BETTER GO AND LIVE IN IT. I've +got quite enough to do with my own house, and every penny of my own +income." + +Upon this speech the old lady said nothing, but she gave a screech loud +enough to be heard from here to York, and down she fell--kicking and +struggling in a regular fit. + +***** + +I did not see Mrs. Stubbs for some days after this, and the girls used +to come down to meals, and never speak; going up again and stopping with +their mother. At last, one day, both of them came in very solemn to +my study, and Eliza, the eldest, said, "Robert, mamma has paid you our +board up to Michaelmas." + +"She has," says I; for I always took precious good care to have it in +advance. + +"She says, Robert, That on Michaelmas day--we'll--we'll go away, +Robert." + +"Oh, she's going to her own house, is she, Lizzy? Very good. She'll want +the furniture, I suppose, and that she may have too, for I'm going to +sell the place myself." And so THAT matter was settled. + +***** + +On Michaelmas day--and during these two months I hadn't, I do believe, +seen my mother twice (once, about two o'clock in the morning, I woke and +found her sobbing over my bed)--on Michaelmas-day morning, Eliza +comes to me and says, "ROBERT, THEY WILL COME AND FETCH US AT SIX THIS +EVENING." Well, as this was the last day, I went and got the best goose +I could find (I don't think I ever saw a primer, or ate more hearty +myself), and had it roasted at three, with a good pudding afterwards; +and a glorious bowl of punch. "Here's a health to you, dear girls," says +I, "and you, Ma, and good luck to all three; and as you've not eaten a +morsel, I hope you won't object to a glass of punch. It's the old stuff, +you know, Ma'am, that that Waters sent to my father fifteen years ago." + +Six o'clock came, and with it came a fine barouche. As I live, Captain +Waters was on the box (it was his coach); that old thief, Bates, jumped +out, entered my house, and before I could say Jack Robinson, whipped off +mamma to the carriage: the girls followed, just giving me a hasty shake +of the hand; and as mamma was helped in, Mary Waters, who was sitting +inside, flung her arms round her, and then round the girls; and the +Doctor, who acted footman, jumped on the box, and off they went; taking +no more notice of ME than if I'd been a nonentity. + +Here's a picture of the whole business:--Mamma and Miss Waters are +sitting kissing each other in the carriage, with the two girls in the +back seat: Waters is driving (a precious bad driver he is too); and I'm +standing at the garden door, and whistling. That old fool Mary Malowney +is crying behind the garden gate: she went off next day along with the +furniture; and I to get into that precious scrape which I shall mention +next. + + + + +SEPTEMBER.--PLUCKING A GOOSE. + +After my papa's death, as he left me no money, and only a little land, +I put my estate into an auctioneer's hands, and determined to amuse +my solitude with a trip to some of our fashionable watering-places. My +house was now a desert to me. I need not say how the departure of my +dear parent, and her children, left me sad and lonely. + +Well, I had a little ready money, and, for the estate, expected a couple +of thousand pounds. I had a good military-looking person: for though I +had absolutely cut the old North Bungays (indeed, after my affair with +Waters, Colonel Craw hinted to me, in the most friendly manner, that +I had better resign)--though I had left the army, I still retained the +rank of Captain; knowing the advantages attendant upon that title in a +watering-place tour. + +Captain Stubbs became a great dandy at Cheltenham, Harrogate, Bath, +Leamington, and other places. I was a good whist and billiard player; +so much so, that in many of these towns, the people used to refuse, at +last, to play with me, knowing how far I was their superior. Fancy my +surprise, about five years after the Portsmouth affair, when strolling +one day up the High Street, in Leamington, my eyes lighted upon a young +man, whom I remembered in a certain butcher's yard, and elsewhere--no +other, in fact, than Dobble. He, too, was dressed en militaire, with +a frogged coat and spurs; and was walking with a showy-looking, +Jewish-faced, black-haired lady, glittering with chains and rings, with +a green bonnet and a bird-of-Paradise--a lilac shawl, a yellow gown, +pink silk stockings, and light-blue shoes. Three children, and a +handsome footman, were walking behind her, and the party, not seeing me, +entered the "Royal Hotel" together. + +I was known myself at the "Royal," and calling one of the waiters, +learned the names of the lady and gentleman. He was Captain Dobble, the +son of the rich army-clothier, Dobble (Dobble, Hobble and Co. of Pall +Mall);--the lady was a Mrs. Manasseh, widow of an American Jew, living +quietly at Leamington with her children, but possessed of an immense +property. There's no use to give one's self out to be an absolute +pauper: so the fact is, that I myself went everywhere with the character +of a man of very large means. My father had died, leaving me immense +sums of money, and landed estates. Ah! I was the gentleman then, the +real gentleman, and everybody was too happy to have me at table. + +Well, I came the next day, and left a card for Dobble, with a note. He +neither returned my visit, nor answered my note. The day after, however, +I met him with the widow, as before; and going up to him, very kindly +seized him by the hand, and swore I was--as really was the case--charmed +to see him. Dobble hung back, to my surprise, and I do believe the +creature would have cut me, if he dared; but I gave him a frown, and +said-- + +"What, Dobble, my boy, don't you recollect old Stubbs, and our adventure +with the butcher's daughters--ha?" + +Dobble gave a sickly kind of grin, and said, "Oh! ah! yes! It is--yes! +it is, I believe, Captain Stubbs." + +"An old comrade, Madam, of Captain Dobble's, and one who has heard so +much, and seen so much of your ladyship, that he must take the liberty +of begging his friend to introduce him." + +Dobble was obliged to take the hint; and Captain Stubbs was duly +presented to Mrs. Manasseh. The lady was as gracious as possible; and +when, at the end of the walk, we parted, she said "she hoped Captain +Dobble would bring me to her apartments that evening, where she expected +a few friends." Everybody, you see, knows everybody at Leamington; and +I, for my part, was well known as a retired officer of the army, who, +on his father's death, had come into seven thousand a year. Dobble's +arrival had been subsequent to mine; but putting up as he did at the +"Royal Hotel," and dining at the ordinary there with the widow, he had +made her acquaintance before I had. I saw, however, that if I allowed +him to talk about me, as he could, I should be compelled to give up all +my hopes and pleasures at Leamington; and so I determined to be short +with him. As soon as the lady had gone into the hotel, my friend Dobble +was for leaving me likewise; but I stopped him and said, "Mr. Dobble, I +saw what you meant just now: you wanted to cut me, because, forsooth, I +did not choose to fight a duel at Portsmouth. Now look you, Dobble, I +am no hero, but I'm not such a coward as you--and you know it. You are +a very different man to deal with from Waters; and I WILL FIGHT this +time." + +Not perhaps that I would: but after the business of the butcher, I knew +Dobble to be as great a coward as ever lived; and there never was any +harm in threatening, for you know you are not obliged to stick to it +afterwards. My words had their effect upon Dobble, who stuttered and +looked red, and then declared he never had the slightest intention of +passing me by; so we became friends, and his mouth was stopped. + +He was very thick with the widow, but that lady had a very capacious +heart, and there were a number of other gentlemen who seemed equally +smitten with her. "Look at that Mrs. Manasseh," said a gentleman (it +was droll, HE was a Jew, too) sitting at dinner by me. "She is old, +and ugly, and yet, because she has money, all the men are flinging +themselves at her." + +"She has money, has she?" + +"Eighty thousand pounds, and twenty thousand for each of her children. +I know it FOR A FACT," said the strange gentleman. "I am in the law, +and we of our faith, you know, know pretty well what the great families +amongst us are worth." + +"Who was Mr. Manasseh?" said I. + +"A man of enormous wealth--a tobacco-merchant--West Indies; a fellow of +no birth, however; and who, between ourselves, married a woman that is +not much better than she should be. My dear sir," whispered he, "she +is always in love. Now it is with that Captain Dobble; last week it was +somebody else--and it may be you next week, if--ha! ha! ha!--you are +disposed to enter the lists. I wouldn't, for MY part, have the woman +with twice her money." + +What did it matter to me whether the woman was good or not, provided +she was rich? My course was quite clear. I told Dobble all that this +gentleman had informed me, and being a pretty good hand at making a +story, I made the widow appear SO bad, that the poor fellow was quite +frightened, and fairly quitted the field. Ha! ha! I'm dashed if I did +not make him believe that Mrs. Manasseh had MURDERED her last husband. + +I played my game so well, thanks to the information that my friend the +lawyer had given me, that in a month I had got the widow to show a most +decided partiality for me. I sat by her at dinner, I drank with her +at the "Wells"--I rode with her, I danced with her, and at a picnic to +Kenilworth, where we drank a good deal of champagne, I actually popped +the question, and was accepted. In another month, Robert Stubbs, Esq., +led to the altar, Leah, widow of the late Z. Manasseh, Esq., of St. +Kitt's! + +***** + +We drove up to London in her comfortable chariot: the children and +servants following in a post-chaise. I paid, of course, for everything; +and until our house in Berkeley Square was painted, we stopped at +"Stevens's Hotel." + +***** + +My own estate had been sold, and the money was lying at a bank in the +City. About three days after our arrival, as we took our breakfast in +the hotel, previous to a visit to Mrs. Stubbs's banker, where certain +little transfers were to be made, a gentleman was introduced, who, I saw +at a glance, was of my wife's persuasion. + +He looked at Mrs. Stubbs, and made a bow. "Perhaps it will be convenient +to you to pay this little bill, one hundred and fifty-two pounds?" + +"My love," says she, "will you pay this--it is a trifle which I had +really forgotten?" + +"My soul!" said I, "I have really not the money in the house." + +"Vel, denn, Captain Shtubbsh," says he, "I must do my duty--and arrest +you--here is the writ! Tom, keep the door?" My wife fainted--the +children screamed, and I fancy my condition as I was obliged to march +off to a spunging-house along with a horrid sheriff's officer? + + + + +OCTOBER.--MARS AND VENUS IN OPPOSITION. + +I shall not describe my feelings when I found myself in a cage in +Cursitor Street, instead of that fine house in Berkeley Square, which +was to have been mine as the husband of Mrs. Manasseh. What a place!--in +an odious, dismal street leading from Chancery Lane. A hideous Jew boy +opened the second of three doors and shut it when Mr. Nabb and I (almost +fainting) had entered; then he opened the third door, and then I was +introduced to a filthy place called a coffee-room, which I exchanged for +the solitary comfort of a little dingy back-parlor, where I was left for +a while to brood over my miserable fate. Fancy the change between this +and Berkeley Square! Was I, after all my pains, and cleverness, and +perseverance, cheated at last? Had this Mrs. Manasseh been imposing +upon me, and were the words of the wretch I met at the table-d'hote at +Leamington only meant to mislead me and take me in? I determined to send +for my wife, and know the whole truth. I saw at once that I had been the +victim of an infernal plot, and that the carriage, the house in town, +the West India fortune, were only so many lies which I had blindly +believed. It was true that the debt was but a hundred and fifty pounds; +and I had two thousand at my bankers'. But was the loss of HER 80,000L. +nothing? Was the destruction of my hopes nothing? The accursed addition +to my family of a Jewish wife and three Jewish children, nothing? And +all these I was to support out of my two thousand pounds. I had better +have stopped at home with my mamma and sisters, whom I really did love, +and who produced me eighty pounds a year. + +I had a furious interview with Mrs. Stubbs; and when I charged her, the +base wretch! with cheating me, like a brazen serpent as she was, she +flung back the cheat in my teeth, and swore I had swindled her. Why did +I marry her, when she might have had twenty others? She only took me, +she said, because I had twenty thousand pounds. I HAD said I possessed +that sum; but in love, you know, and war all's fair. + +We parted quite as angrily as we met; and I cordially vowed that when I +had paid the debt into which I had been swindled by her, I would take +my 2,000L. and depart to some desert island; or, at the very least, to +America, and never see her more, or any of her Israelitish brood. There +was no use in remaining in the spunging-house (for I knew that there +were such things as detainers, and that where Mrs. Stubbs owed a hundred +pounds, she might owe a thousand) so I sent for Mr. Nabb, and tendering +him a cheque for 150L. and his costs, requested to be let out forthwith. +"Here, fellow," said I, "is a cheque on Child's for your paltry sum." + +"It may be a sheck on Shild's," says Mr. Nabb; "but I should be a baby +to let you out on such a paper as dat." + +"Well," said I, "Child's is but a step from this: you may go and get the +cash,--just give me an acknowledgment." + +Nabb drew out the acknowledgment with great punctuality, and set off +for the bankers', whilst I prepared myself for departure from this +abominable prison. + +He smiled as he came in. "Well," said I, "you have touched your money; +and now, I must tell you, that you are the most infernal rogue and +extortioner I ever met with." + +"Oh, no, Mishter Shtubbsh," says he, grinning still. "Dere is som +greater roag dan me,--mosh greater." + +"Fellow," said I, "don't stand grinning before a gentleman; but give me +my hat and cloak, and let me leave your filthy den." + +"Shtop, Shtubbsh," says he, not even Mistering me this time. "Here ish a +letter, vich you had better read." + +I opened the letter; something fell to the ground:--it was my cheque. + +The letter ran thus: "Messrs. Child and Co. present their compliments to +Captain Stubbs, and regret that they have been obliged to refuse payment +of the enclosed, having been served this day with an attachment by +Messrs. Solomonson and Co., which compels them to retain Captain Stubbs' +balance of 2,010L. 11s. 6d. until the decision of the suit of Solomonson +v. Stubbs. + +"FLEET STREET." + +"You see," says Mr. Nabb, as I read this dreadful letter--"you see, +Shtubbsh, dere vas two debts,--a little von and a big von. So dey +arrested you for de little von, and attashed your money for de big von." + +Don't laugh at me for telling this story. If you knew what tears are +blotting over the paper as I write it--if you knew that for weeks after +I was more like a madman than a sane man,--a madman in the Fleet Prison, +where I went instead of to the desert island! What had I done to deserve +it? Hadn't I always kept an eye to the main chance? Hadn't I lived +economically, and not like other young men? Had I ever been known to +squander or give away a single penny? No! I can lay my hand on my heart, +and, thank heaven, say, No! Why, why was I punished so? + +Let me conclude this miserable history. Seven months--my wife saw me +once or twice, and then dropped me altogether--I remained in that fatal +place. I wrote to my dear mamma, begging her to sell her furniture, but +got no answer. All my old friends turned their backs upon me. My action +went against me--I had not a penny to defend it. Solomonson proved my +wife's debt, and seized my two thousand pounds. As for the detainer +against me, I was obliged to go through the court for the relief of +insolvent debtors. I passed through it, and came out a beggar. But +fancy the malice of that wicked Stiffelkind: he appeared in court as my +creditor for 3L., with sixteen years' interest at five per cent, for a +PAIR OF TOP-BOOTS. The old thief produced them in court, and told the +whole story--Lord Cornwallis, the detection, the pumping and all. + +Commissioner Dubobwig was very funny about it. "So Doctor Swishtail +would not pay you for the boots, eh, Mr. Stiffelkind?" + +"No: he said, ven I asked him for payment, dey was ordered by a yong +boy, and I ought to have gone to his schoolmaster." + +"What! then you came on a BOOTLESS errand, ay, sir?" (A laugh.) + +"Bootless! no sare, I brought de boots back vid me. How de devil else +could I show dem to you?" (Another laugh.) + +"You've never SOLED 'em since, Mr. Tickleshins?" + +"I never would sell dem; I svore I never vood, on porpus to be revenged +on dat Stobbs." + +"What! your wound has never been HEALED, eh?" + +"Vat do you mean vid your bootless errands, and your soling and healing? +I tell you I have done vat I svore to do: I have exposed him at school; +I have broak off a marriage for him, ven he vould have had tventy +tousand pound; and now I have showed him up in a court of justice. Dat +is vat I 'ave done, and dat's enough." And then the old wretch went +down, whilst everybody was giggling and staring at poor me--as if I was +not miserable enough already. + +"This seems the dearest pair of boots you ever had in your life, Mr. +Stubbs," said Commissioner Dubobwig very archly, and then he began to +inquire about the rest of my misfortunes. + +In the fulness of my heart I told him the whole of them: how Mr. +Solomonson the attorney had introduced me to the rich widow, Mrs. +Manasseh, who had fifty thousand pounds, and an estate in the West +Indies. How I was married, and arrested on coming to town, and cast +in an action for two thousand pounds brought against me by this very +Solomonson for my wife's debts. + +"Stop!" says a lawyer in the court. "Is this woman a showy black-haired +woman with one eye? very often drunk, with three children?--Solomonson, +short, with red hair?" + +"Exactly so," said I, with tears in my eyes. + +"That woman has married THREE MEN within the last two years. One in +Ireland, and one at Bath. A Solomonson is, I believe, her husband, and +they both are off for America ten days ago." + +"But why did you not keep your 2,000L.?" said the lawyer. + +"Sir, they attached it." + +"Oh, well, we may pass you. You have been unlucky, Mr. Stubbs, but it +seems as if the biter had been bit in this affair." + +"No," said Mr. Dubobwig. "Mr. Stubbs is the victim of a FATAL +ATTACHMENT." + + + + +NOVEMBER.--A GENERAL POST DELIVERY. + +I was a free man when I went out of the Court; but I was a beggar--I, +Captain Stubbs, of the bold North Bungays, did not know where I could +get a bed, or a dinner. + +As I was marching sadly down Portugal Street, I felt a hand on my +shoulder and a rough voice which I knew well. + +"Vell, Mr. Stobbs, have I not kept my promise? I told you dem boots +would be your ruin." + +I was much too miserable to reply; and only cast my eyes towards the +roofs of the houses, which I could not see for the tears. + +"Vat! you begin to gry and blobber like a shild? you vood marry, vood +you? and noting vood do for you but a vife vid monny--ha, ha--but you +vere de pigeon, and she was de grow. She has plocked you, too, pretty +vell--eh? ha! ha!" + +"Oh, Mr. Stiffelkind," said I, "don't laugh at my misery: she has not +left me a single shilling under heaven. And I shall starve: I do believe +I shall starve." And I began to cry fit to break my heart. + +"Starf! stoff and nonsense! You vill never die of starfing--you vill die +of HANGING, I tink--ho! ho!--and it is moch easier vay too." I didn't +say a word, but cried on; till everybody in the street turned round and +stared. + +"Come, come," said Stiffelkind, "do not gry, Gaptain Stobbs--it is not +goot for a Gaptain to gry--ha! ha! Dere--come vid me, and you shall have +a dinner, and a bregfast too,--vich shall gost you nothing, until you +can bay vid your earnings." + +And so this curious old man, who had persecuted me all through my +prosperity, grew compassionate towards me in my ill-luck; and took me +home with him as he promised. "I saw your name among de Insolvents, and +I vowed, you know, to make you repent dem boots. Dere, now, it is done +and forgotten, look you. Here, Betty, Bettchen, make de spare bed, and +put a clean knife and fork; Lort Cornvallis is come to dine vid me." + +I lived with this strange old man for six weeks. I kept his books, and +did what little I could to make myself useful: carrying about boots and +shoes, as if I had never borne his Majesty's commission. He gave me no +money, but he fed and lodged me comfortably. The men and boys used +to laugh, and call me General, and Lord Cornwallis, and all sorts of +nicknames; and old Stiffelkind made a thousand new ones for me. + +One day I can recollect--one miserable day, as I was polishing on +the trees a pair of boots of Mr. Stiffelkind's manufacture--the old +gentleman came into the shop, with a lady on his arm. + +"Vere is Gaptain Stobbs?" said he. "Vere is dat ornament to his +Majesty's service?" + +I came in from the back shop, where I was polishing the boots, with one +of them in my hand. + +"Look, my dear," says he, "here is an old friend of yours, his +Excellency Lort Cornvallis!--Who would have thought such a nobleman +vood turn shoeblack? Captain Stobbs, here is your former flame, my dear +niece, Miss Grotty. How could you, Magdalen, ever leaf such a lof of a +man? Shake hands vid her, Gaptain;--dere, never mind de blacking!" But +Miss drew back. + +"I never shake hands with a SHOEBLACK," said she, mighty contemptuous. + +"Bah! my lof, his fingers von't soil you. Don't you know he has just +been VITEVASHED?" + +"I wish, uncle," says she, "you would not leave me with such low +people." + +"Low, because he cleans boots? De Gaptain prefers PUMPS to boots I +tink--ha! ha!" + +"Captain indeed! a nice Captain," says Miss Crutty, snapping her fingers +in my face, and walking away: "a Captain who has had his nose pulled! +ha! ha!"--And how could I help it? it wasn't by my own CHOICE that that +ruffian Waters took such liberties with me. Didn't I show how averse I +was to all quarrels by refusing altogether his challenge?--But such is +the world. And thus the people at Stiffelkind's used to tease me, until +they drove me almost mad. + +At last he came home one day more merry and abusive than ever. +"Gaptain," says he, "I have goot news for you--a goot place. Your +lordship vill not be able to geep your garridge, but you vill be +gomfortable, and serve his Majesty." + +"Serve his Majesty?" says I. "Dearest Mr. Stiffelkind, have you got me a +place under Government?" + +"Yes, and somting better still--not only a place, but a uniform: yes, +Gaptain Stobbs, a RED GOAT." + +"A red coat! I hope you don't think I would demean myself by entering +the ranks of the army? I am a gentleman, Mr. Stiffelkind--I can +never--no, I never--" + +"No, I know you will never--you are too great a goward--ha! ha!--though +dis is a red goat, and a place where you must give some HARD KNOCKS +too--ha! ha!--do you gomprehend?--and you shall be a general instead of +a gaptain--ha! ha!" + +"A general in a red coat, Mr. Stiffelkind?" + +"Yes, a GENERAL BOSTMAN!--ha! ha! I have been vid your old friend, +Bunting, and he has an uncle in the Post Office, and he has got you de +place--eighteen shillings a veek, you rogue, and your goat. You must not +oben any of de letters you know." + +And so it was--I, Robert Stubbs, Esquire, became the vile thing he +named--a general postman! + +***** + +I was so disgusted with Stiffelkind's brutal jokes, which were now more +brutal than ever, that when I got my place in the Post Office, I never +went near the fellow again: for though he had done me a favor in +keeping me from starvation, he certainly had done it in a very rude, +disagreeable manner, and showed a low and mean spirit in SHOVING me +into such a degraded place as that of postman. But what had I to do? I +submitted to fate, and for three years or more, Robert Stubbs, of the +North Bungay Fencibles, was-- + +I wonder nobody recognized me. I lived in daily fear the first year: but +afterwards grew accustomed to my situation, as all great men will do, +and wore my red coat as naturally as if I had been sent into the world +only for the purpose of being a letter-carrier. + +I was first in the Whitechapel district, where I stayed for nearly three +years, when I was transferred to Jermyn Street and Duke Street--famous +places for lodgings. I suppose I left a hundred letters at a house in +the latter street, where lived some people who must have recognized me +had they but once chanced to look at me. + +You see that when I left Sloffemsquiggle, and set out in the gay world, +my mamma had written to me a dozen times at least; but I never answered +her, for I knew she wanted money, and I detest writing. Well, she +stopped her letters, finding she could get none from me:--but when I was +in the Fleet, as I told you, I wrote repeatedly to my dear mamma, and +was not a little nettled at her refusing to notice me in my distress, +which is the very time one most wants notice. + +Stubbs is not an uncommon name; and though I saw MRS. STUBBS on a little +bright brass plate, in Duke street, and delivered so many letters to the +lodgers in her house, I never thought of asking who she was, or whether +she was my relation, or not. + +One day the young woman who took in the letters had not got change, and +she called her mistress. An old lady in a poke-bonnet came out of the +parlor, and put on her spectacles, and looked at the letter, and fumbled +in her pocket for eightpence, and apologized to the postman for keeping +him waiting. And when I said, "Never mind, Ma'am, it's no trouble," +the old lady gave a start, and then she pulled off her spectacles, and +staggered back; and then she began muttering, as if about to choke; +and then she gave a great screech, and flung herself into my arms, and +roared out, "MY SON, MY SON!" + +"Law, mamma," said I, "is that you?" and I sat down on the hall bench +with her, and let her kiss me as much as ever she liked. Hearing the +whining and crying, down comes another lady from up stairs,--it was my +sister Eliza; and down come the lodgers. And the maid gets water and +what not, and I was the regular hero of the group. I could not stay +long then, having my letters to deliver. But, in the evening, after +mail-time, I went back to my mamma and sister; and, over a bottle of +prime old port, and a precious good leg of boiled mutton and turnips, +made myself pretty comfortable, I can tell you. + + + + +DECEMBER.--"THE WINTER OF OUR DISCONTENT." + +Mamma had kept the house in Duke Street for more than two years. I +recollected some of the chairs and tables from dear old Sloffemsquiggle, +and the bowl in which I had made that famous rum-punch, the evening she +went away, which she and my sisters left untouched, and I was obliged to +drink after they were gone; but that's not to the purpose. + +Think of my sister Lucy's luck! that chap, Waters, fell in love with +her, and married her; and she now keeps her carriage, and lives in state +near Sloffemsquiggle. I offered to make it up with Waters; but he bears +malice, and never will see or speak to me.--He had the impudence, too, +to say, that he took in all letters for mamma at Sloffemsquiggle; and +that as mine were all begging-letters, he burned them, and never said a +word to her concerning them. He allowed mamma fifty pounds a year, and, +if she were not such a fool, she might have had three times as much; but +the old lady was high and mighty forsooth, and would not be beholden, +even to her own daughter, for more than she actually wanted. Even this +fifty pound she was going to refuse; but when I came to live with her, +of course I wanted pocket-money as well as board and lodging, and so +I had the fifty pounds for MY share, and eked out with it as well as I +could. + +Old Bates and the Captain, between them, gave mamma a hundred pounds +when she left me (she had the deuce's own luck, to be sure--much more +than ever fell to ME, I know) and as she said she WOULD try and work for +her living, it was thought best to take a house and let lodgings, which +she did. Our first and second floor paid us four guineas a week, on an +average; and the front parlor and attic made forty pounds more. Mamma +and Eliza used to have the front attic: but I took that, and they slept +in the servants' bedroom. Lizzy had a pretty genius for work, and earned +a guinea a week that way; so that we had got nearly two hundred a year +over the rent to keep house with,--and we got on pretty well. Besides, +women eat nothing: my women didn't care for meat for days together +sometimes,--so that it was only necessary to dress a good steak or so +for me. + +Mamma would not think of my continuing in the Post Office. She said +her dear Robert, her husband's son, her gallant soldier, and all that, +should remain at home and be a gentleman--which I was, certainly, though +I didn't find fifty pounds a year very much to buy clothes and be a +gentleman upon. To be sure, mother found me shirts and linen, so that +THAT wasn't in the fifty pounds. She kicked a little at paying the +washing too; but she gave in at last, for I was her dear Bob, you know; +and I'm blest if I could not make her give me the gown off her back. +Fancy! once she cut up a very nice rich black silk scarf, which my +sister Waters sent her, and made me a waistcoat and two stocks of it. +She was so VERY soft, the old lady! + +***** + +I'd lived in this way for five years or more, making myself content +with my fifty pounds a year (PERHAPS I had saved a little out of it; but +that's neither here nor there). From year's end to year's end I remained +faithful to my dear mamma, never leaving her except for a month or so +in the summer--when a bachelor may take a trip to Gravesend or Margate, +which would be too expensive for a family. I say a bachelor, for the +fact is, I don't know whether I am married or not--never having heard a +word since of the scoundrelly Mrs. Stubbs. + +I never went to the public-house before meals: for, with my beggarly +fifty pounds, I could not afford to dine away from home: but there I had +my regular seat, and used to come home PRETTY GLORIOUS, I can tell you. +Then bed till eleven; then breakfast and the newspaper; then a stroll in +Hyde Park or St. James's; then home at half-past three to dinner--when +I jollied, as I call it, for the rest of the day. I was my mother's +delight; and thus, with a clear conscience, I managed to live on. + +***** + +How fond she was of me, to be sure! Being sociable myself, and loving +to have my friends about me, we often used to assemble a company of as +hearty fellows as you would wish to sit down with, and keep the nights +up royally. "Never mind, my boys," I used to say. "Send the bottle +round: mammy pays for all." As she did, sure enough: and sure enough we +punished her cellar too. The good old lady used to wait upon us, as +if for all the world she had been my servant, instead of a lady and my +mamma. Never used she to repine, though I often, as I must confess, gave +her occasion (keeping her up till four o'clock in the morning, because +she never could sleep until she saw her "dear Bob" in bed, and leading +her a sad anxious life). She was of such a sweet temper, the old lady, +that I think in the course of five years I never knew her in a passion, +except twice: and then with sister Lizzy, who declared I was ruining +the house, and driving the lodgers away, one by one. But mamma would +not hear of such envious spite on my sister's part. "Her Bob" was +always right, she said. At last Lizzy fairly retreated, and went to the +Waters's.--I was glad of it, for her temper was dreadful, and we used to +be squabbling from morning till night! + +Ah, those WERE jolly times! but Ma was obliged to give up the +lodging-house at last--for, somehow, things went wrong after my sister's +departure--the nasty uncharitable people said, on account of ME; because +I drove away the lodgers by smoking and drinking, and kicking up noises +in the house; and because Ma gave me so much of her money:--so she did, +but if she WOULD give it, you know, how could I help it? Heigho! I wish +I'd KEPT it. + +No such luck. The business I thought was to last for ever: but at the +end of two years came a smash--shut up shop--sell off everything. Mamma +went to the Waters's: and, will you believe it? the ungrateful wretches +would not receive me! that Mary, you see, was SO disappointed at not +marrying me. Twenty pounds a year they allow, it is true; but what's +that for a gentleman? For twenty years I have been struggling manfully +to gain an honest livelihood, and, in the course of them, have seen a +deal of life, to be sure. I've sold cigars and pocket-handkerchiefs +at the corners of streets; I've been a billiard-marker; I've been a +director (in the panic year) of the Imperial British Consolidated Mangle +and Drying Ground Company. I've been on the stage (for two years as an +actor, and about a month as a cad, when I was very low); I've been +the means of giving to the police of this empire some very valuable +information (about licensed victuallers, gentlemen's carts, and +pawnbrokers' names); I've been very nearly an officer again--that is, +an assistant to an officer of the Sheriff of Middlesex: it was my last +place. + +On the last day of the year 1837, even THAT game was up. It's a +thing that very seldom happened to a gentleman, to be kicked out of +a spunging-house; but such was my case. Young Nabb (who succeeded his +father) drove me ignominiously from his door, because I had charged a +gentleman in the coffee-rooms seven-and-sixpence for a glass of ale and +bread and cheese, the charge of the house being only six shillings. He +had the meanness to deduct the eighteenpence from my wages, and because +I blustered a bit, he took me by the shoulders and turned me out--me, a +gentleman, and, what is more, a poor orphan! + +How I did rage and swear at him when I got out into the street! There +stood he, the hideous Jew monster, at the double door, writhing under +the effect of my language. I had my revenge! Heads were thrust out of +every bar of his windows, laughing at him. A crowd gathered round me, +as I stood pounding him with my satire, and they evidently enjoyed his +discomfiture. I think the mob would have pelted the ruffian to death +(one or two of their missiles hit ME, I can tell you), when a policeman +came up, and in reply to a gentleman, who was asking what was the +disturbance, said, "Bless you, sir, it's Lord Cornwallis." "Move on, +BOOTS," said the fellow to me; for the fact is, my misfortunes and early +life are pretty well known--and so the crowd dispersed. + +"What could have made that policeman call you Lord Cornwallis and +Boots?" said the gentleman, who seemed mightily amused, and had followed +me. "Sir," says I, "I am an unfortunate officer of the North Bungay +Fencibles, and I'll tell you willingly for a pint of beer." He told me +to follow him to his chambers in the Temple, which I did (a five-pair +back), and there, sure enough, I had the beer; and told him this very +story you've been reading. You see he is what is called a literary +man--and sold my adventures for me to the booksellers; he's a strange +chap; and says they're MORAL. + +***** + +I'm blest if I can see anything moral in them. I'm sure I ought to have +been more lucky through life, being so very wide awake. And yet here I +am, without a place, or even a friend, starving upon a beggarly twenty +pounds a year--not a single sixpence more, upon MY HONOR. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Fatal Boots, by William Makepeace Thackeray + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE FATAL BOOTS *** + +***** This file should be named 2844.txt or 2844.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/8/4/2844/ + +Produced by Donald Lainson + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.29.93*END* + + + + + +THE FATAL BOOTS. + + +by William Makepeace Thackeray + + + + +THE FATAL BOOTS:-- + + +January.--The Birth of the Year + +February.--Cutting Weather + +March.--Showery + +April.--Fooling + +May.--Restoration Day + +June.--Marrowbones and Cleavers + +July.--Summary Proceedings + +August.--Dogs have their Days + +September.--Plucking a Goose + +October.--Mars and Venus in Opposition + +November.--A General Post Delivery + +December.--"The Winter of Our Discontent" + + + + +THE FATAL BOOTS + + +JANUARY.--THE BIRTH OF THE YEAR. + + +Some poet has observed, that if any man would write down what has +really happened to him in this mortal life, he would be sure to +make a good book, though he never had met with a single adventure +from his birth to his burial. How much more, then, must I, who +HAVE had adventures, most singular, pathetic, and unparalleled, be +able to compile an instructive and entertaining volume for the use +of the public. + +I don't mean to say that I have killed lions, or seen the wonders +of travel in the deserts of Arabia or Prussia; or that I have been +a very fashionable character, living with dukes and peeresses, and +writing my recollections of them, as the way now is. I never left +this my native isle, nor spoke to a lord (except an Irish one, who +had rooms in our house, and forgot to pay three weeks' lodging and +extras); but, as our immortal bard observes, I have in the course +of my existence been so eaten up by the slugs and harrows of +outrageous fortune, and have been the object of such continual and +extraordinary ill-luck, that I believe it would melt the heart of a +milestone to read of it--that is, if a milestone had a heart of +anything but stone. + +Twelve of my adventures, suitable for meditation and perusal during +the twelve months of the year, have been arranged by me for this +work. They contain a part of the history of a great, and, +confidently I may say, a GOOD man. I was not a spendthrift like +other men. I never wronged any man of a shilling, though I am as +sharp a fellow at a bargain as any in Europe. I never injured a +fellow-creature; on the contrary, on several occasions, when +injured myself, have shown the most wonderful forbearance. I come +of a tolerably good family; and yet, born to wealth--of an +inoffensive disposition, careful of the money that I had, and eager +to get more,--I have been going down hill ever since my journey of +life began, and have been pursued by a complication of misfortunes +such as surely never happened to any man but the unhappy Bob +Stubbs. + +Bob Stubbs is my name; and I haven't got a shilling: I have borne +the commission of lieutenant in the service of King George, and am +NOW--but never mind what I am now, for the public will know in a +few pages more. My father was of the Suffolk Stubbses--a well-to- +do gentleman of Bungay. My grandfather had been a respected +attorney in that town, and left my papa a pretty little fortune. I +was thus the inheritor of competence, and ought to be at this +moment a gentleman. + +My misfortunes may be said to have commenced about a year before my +birth, when my papa, a young fellow pretending to study the law in +London, fell madly in love with Miss Smith, the daughter of a +tradesman, who did not give her a sixpence, and afterwards became +bankrupt. My papa married this Miss Smith, and carried her off to +the country, where I was born, in an evil hour for me. + +Were I to attempt to describe my early years, you would laugh at me +as an impostor; but the following letter from mamma to a friend, +after her marriage, will pretty well show you what a poor foolish +creature she was; and what a reckless extravagant fellow was my +other unfortunate parent:-- + + +"TO MISS ElIZA KICKS, IN GRACECHURCH STREET, LONDON. + +"OH, ELIZA! your Susan is the happiest girl under heaven! My +Thomas is an angel! not a tall grenadier-like looking fellow, such +as I always vowed I would marry:--on the contrary, he is what the +world would call dumpy, and I hesitate not to confess, that his +eyes have a cast in them. But what then? when one of his eyes is +fixed on me, and one on my babe, they are lighted up with an +affection which my pen cannot describe, and which, certainly, was +never bestowed upon any woman so strongly as upon your happy Susan +Stubbs. + +"When he comes home from shooting, or the farm, if you COULD see +dear Thomas with me and our dear little Bob! as I sit on one knee, +and baby on the other, and as he dances us both about. I often +wish that we had Sir Joshua, or some great painter, to depict the +group; for sure it is the prettiest picture in the whole world, to +see three such loving merry people. + +"Dear baby is the most lovely little creature that CAN POSSIBLY +BE,--the very IMAGE of papa; he is cutting his teeth, and the +delight of EVERYBODY. Nurse says that, when he is older he will +get rid of his squint, and his hair will get a GREAT DEAL less red. +Doctor Bates is as kind, and skilful, and attentive as we could +desire. Think what a blessing to have had him! Ever since poor +baby's birth, it has never had a day of quiet; and he has been +obliged to give it from three to four doses every week;--how +thankful ought we to be that the DEAR THING is as well as it is! +It got through the measles wonderfully; then it had a little rash; +and then a nasty hooping-cough; and then a fever, and continual +pains in its poor little stomach, crying, poor dear child, from +morning till night. + +"But dear Tom is an excellent nurse; and many and many a night has +he had no sleep, dear man! in consequence of the poor little baby. +He walks up and down with it FOR HOURS, singing a kind of song +(dear fellow, he has no more voice than a tea-kettle), and bobbing +his head backwards and forwards, and looking, in his nightcap and +dressing-gown, SO DROLL. Oh, Eliza! how you would laugh to see +him. + +"We have one of the best nursemaids IN THE WORLD,--an Irishwoman, +who is as fond of baby almost as his mother (but that can NEVER +BE). She takes it to walk in the park for hours together, and I +really don't know why Thomas dislikes her. He says she is tipsy, +very often, and slovenly, which I cannot conceive;--to be sure, the +nurse is sadly dirty, and sometimes smells very strong of gin. + +"But what of that?--these little drawbacks only make home more +pleasant. When one thinks how many mothers have NO nursemaids: how +many poor dear children have no doctors: ought we not to be +thankful for Mary Malowney, and that Dr. Bates's bill is forty- +seven pounds? How ill must dear baby have been, to require so much +physic! + +"But they are a sad expense, these dear babies, after all. Fancy, +Eliza, how much this Mary Malowney costs us. Ten shillings every +week; a glass of brandy or gin at dinner; three pint-bottles of Mr. +Thrale's best porter every day,--making twenty-one in a week, and +nine hundred and ninety in the eleven months she has been with us. +Then, for baby, there is Dr. Bates's bill of forty-five guineas, +two guineas for christening, twenty for a grand christening supper +and ball (rich uncle John mortally offended because he was made +godfather, and had to give baby a silver cup: he has struck Thomas +out of his will: and old Mr. Firkin quite as much hurt because he +was NOT asked: he will not speak to me or Thomas in consequence) +twenty guineas for flannels, laces, little gowns, caps, napkins, +and such baby's ware: and all this out of 300L. a year! But Thomas +expects to make A GREAT DEAL by his farm. + +"We have got the most charming country-house YOU CAN IMAGINE: it is +QUITE SHUT IN by trees, and so retired that, though only thirty +miles from London, the post comes to us but once a week. The +roads, it must be confessed, are execrable; it is winter now, and +we are up to our knees in mud and snow. But oh, Eliza! how happy +we are: with Thomas (he has had a sad attack of rheumatism, dear +man!) and little Bobby, and our kind friend Dr. Bates, who comes so +far to see us, I leave you to fancy that we have a charming merry +party, and do not care for all the gayeties of Ranelagh. + +"Adieu! dear baby is crying for his mamma. A thousand kisses from +your affectionate + +"SUSAN STUBBS." + + +There it is! Doctor's bills, gentleman-farming, twenty-one pints +of porter a week. In this way my unnatural parents were already +robbing me of my property. + + +FEBRUARY.--CUTTING WEATHER. + + +I have called this chapter "cutting weather," partly in compliment +to the month of February, and partly in respect of my own +misfortunes, which you are going to read about. For I have often +thought that January (which is mostly twelfth-cake and holiday +time) is like the first four or five years of a little boy's life; +then comes dismal February, and the working-days with it, when +chaps begin to look out for themselves, after the Christmas and the +New Year's heyday and merrymaking are over, which our infancy may +well be said to be. Well can I recollect that bitter first of +February, when I first launched out into the world and appeared at +Doctor Swishtail's academy. + +I began at school that life of prudence and economy which I have +carried on ever since. My mother gave me eighteenpence on setting +out (poor soul! I thought her heart would break as she kissed me, +and bade God bless me); and, besides, I had a small capital of my +own which I had amassed for a year previous. I'll tell you, what I +used to do. Wherever I saw six halfpence I took one. If it was +asked for I said I had taken it and gave it back;--if it was not +missed, I said nothing about it, as why should I?--those who don't +miss their money, don't lose their money. So I had a little +private fortune of three shillings, besides mother's eighteenpence. +At school they called me the copper-merchant, I had such lots of +it. + +Now, even at a preparatory school, a well-regulated boy may better +himself: and I can tell you I did. I never was in any quarrels: I +never was very high in the class or very low: but there was no chap +so much respected:--and why? I'D ALWAYS MONEY. The other boys +spent all theirs in the first day or two, and they gave me plenty +of cakes and barley-sugar then, I can tell you. I'd no need to +spend my own money, for they would insist upon treating me. Well, +in a week, when theirs was gone, and they had but their threepence +a week to look to for the rest of the half-year, what did I do? +Why, I am proud to say that three-halfpence out of the threepence a +week of almost all the young gentlemen at Dr. Swishtail's, came +into my pocket. Suppose, for instance, Tom Hicks wanted a slice of +gingerbread, who had the money? Little Bob Stubbs, to be sure. +"Hicks," I used to say, "I'LL buy you three halfp'orth of +gingerbread, if you'll give me threepence next Saturday." And he +agreed; and next Saturday came, and he very often could not pay me +more than three-halfpence. Then there was the threepence I was to +have THE NEXT Saturday. I'll tell you what I did for a whole half- +year:--I lent a chap, by the name of Dick Bunting, three-halfpence +the first Saturday for three-pence the next: he could not pay me +more than half when Saturday came, and I'm blest if I did not make +him pay me three-halfpence FOR THREE-AND-TWENTY WEEKS RUNNING, +making two shillings and tenpence-halfpenny. But he was a sad +dishonorable fellow, Dick Bunting; for after I'd been so kind to +him, and let him off for three-and-twenty-weeks the money he owed +me, holidays came, and threepence he owed me still. Well, +according to the common principles of practice, after six-weeks' +holidays, he ought to have paid me exactly sixteen shillings, which +was my due. For the + + + First week the 3d. would be 6d. | Fourth week . . . . . 4s. + Second week . . . . . 1s. | Fifth week . . . . . 8s. + Third week . . . . . 2s. | Sixth week . . . . . 16s. + + +Nothing could be more just; and yet--will it be believed? when +Bunting came back he offered me THREE-HALFPENCE! the mean, +dishonest scoundrel. + +However, I was even with him, I can tell you.--He spent all his +money in a fortnight, and THEN I screwed him down! I made him, +besides giving me a penny for a penny, pay me a quarter of his +bread and butter at breakfast and a quarter of his cheese at +supper; and before the half-year was out, I got from him a silver +fruit-knife, a box of compasses, and a very pretty silver-laced +waistcoat, in which I went home as proud as a king: and, what's +more, I had no less than three golden guineas in the pocket of it, +besides fifteen shillings, the knife, and a brass bottle-screw, +which I got from another chap. It wasn't bad interest for twelve +shillings--which was all the money I'd had in the year--was it? +Heigho! I've often wished that I could get such a chance again in +this wicked world; but men are more avaricious now than they used +to be in those dear early days. + +Well, I went home in my new waistcoat as fine as a peacock; and +when I gave the bottle-screw to my father, begging him to take it +as a token of my affection for him, my dear mother burst into such +a fit of tears as I never saw, and kissed and hugged me fit to +smother me. "Bless him, bless him," says she, "to think of his old +father. And where did you purchase it, Bob?"--"Why, mother," says +I, "I purchased it out of my savings" (which was as true as the +gospel).--When I said this, mother looked round to father, smiling, +although she had tears in her eyes, and she took his hand, and with +her other hand drew me to her. "Is he not a noble boy?" says she +to my father: "and only nine years old!"--"Faith," says my father, +"he IS a good lad, Susan. Thank thee, my boy: and here is a crown- +piece in return for thy bottle-screw--it shall open us a bottle of +the very best too," says my father. And he kept his word. I +always was fond of good wine (though never, from a motive of proper +self-denial, having any in my cellar); and, by Jupiter! on this +night I had my little skinful,--for there was no stinting,--so +pleased were my dear parents with the bottle-screw. The best of it +was, it only cost me threepence originally, which a chap could not +pay me. + +Seeing this game was such a good one, I became very generous +towards my parents; and a capital way it is to encourage liberality +in children. I gave mamma a very neat brass thimble, and she gave +me a half-guinea piece. Then I gave her a very pretty needle-book, +which I made myself with an ace of spades from a new pack of cards +we had, and I got Sally, our maid, to cover it with a bit of pink +satin her mistress had given her; and I made the leaves of the +book, which I vandyked very nicely, out of a piece of flannel I had +had round my neck for a sore throat. It smelt a little of +hartshorn, but it was a beautiful needle-book; and mamma was so +delighted with it, that she went into town and bought me a gold- +laced hat. Then I bought papa a pretty china tobacco-stopper: but +I am sorry to say of my dear father that he was not so generous as +my mamma or myself, for he only burst out laughing, and did not +give me so much as a half-crown piece, which was the least I +expected from him. "I shan't give you anything, Bob, this time," +says he; "and I wish, my boy, you would not make any more such +presents,--for, really, they are too expensive." Expensive indeed! +I hate meanness,--even in a father. + +I must tell you about the silver-edged waistcoat which Bunting gave +me. Mamma asked me about it, and I told her the truth,--that it +was a present from one of the boys for my kindness to him. Well, +what does she do but writes back to Dr. Swishtail, when I went to +school, thanking him for his attention to her dear son, and sending +a shilling to the good and grateful little boy who had given me the +waistcoat! + +"What waistcoat is it," says the Doctor to me, "and who gave it to +you?" + +"Bunting gave it me, sir," says I. + +"Call Bunting!" and up the little ungrateful chap came. Would you +believe it, he burst into tears,--told that the waistcoat had been +given him by his mother, and that he had been forced to give it +for a debt to Copper-Merchant, as the nasty little blackguard +called me? He then said how, for three-halfpence, he had been +compelled to pay me three shillings (the sneak! as if he had been +OBLIGED to borrow the three-halfpence!)--how all the other boys +had been swindled (swindled!) by me in like manner,--and how, +with only twelve shillings, I had managed to scrape together four +guineas. . . . . + +My courage almost fails me as I describe the shameful scene that +followed. The boys were called in, my own little account-book was +dragged out of my cupboard, to prove how much I had received from +each, and every farthing of my money was paid back to them. The +tyrant took the thirty shillings that my dear parents had given me, +and said he should put them into the poor-box at church; and, after +having made a long discourse to the boys about meanness and usury, +he said, "Take off your coat, Mr. Stubbs, and restore Bunting his +waistcoat." I did, and stood without coat and waistcoat in the +midst of the nasty grinning boys. I was going to put on my coat,-- + +"Stop!" says he. "TAKE DOWN HIS BREECHES!" + +Ruthless, brutal villain! Sam Hopkins, the biggest boy, took them +down--horsed me--and I WAS FLOGGED, SIR: yes, flogged! O revenge! +I, Robert Stubbs, who had done nothing but what was right, was +brutally flogged at ten years of age!--Though February was the +shortest month, I remembered it long. + + +MARCH.--SHOWERY. + + +When my mamma heard of the treatment of her darling she was for +bringing an action against the schoolmaster, or else for tearing +his eyes out (when, dear soul! she would not have torn the eyes out +of a flea, had it been her own injury), and, at the very least, for +having me removed from the school where I had been so shamefully +treated. But papa was stern for once, and vowed that I had been +served quite right, declared that I should not be removed from +school, and sent old Swishtail a brace of pheasants for what he +called his kindness to me. Of these the old gentleman invited me +to partake, and made a very queer speech at dinner, as he was +cutting them up, about the excellence of my parents, and his own +determination to be KINDER STILL to me, if ever I ventured on such +practices again. So I was obliged to give up my old trade of +lending: for the Doctor declared that any boy who borrowed should +be flogged, and any one who PAID should be flogged twice as much. +There was no standing against such a prohibition as this, and my +little commerce was ruined. + +I was not very high in the school: not having been able to get +farther than that dreadful Propria quae maribus in the Latin +grammar, of which, though I have it by heart even now, I never +could understand a syllable: but, on account of my size, my age, +and the prayers of my mother, was allowed to have the privilege of +the bigger boys, and on holidays to walk about in the town. Great +dandies we were, too, when we thus went out. I recollect my +costume very well: a thunder-and-lightning coat, a white waistcoat +embroidered neatly at the pockets, a lace frill, a pair of knee- +breeches, and elegant white cotton or silk stockings. This did +very well, but still I was dissatisfied: I wanted A PAIR OF BOOTS. +Three boys in the school had boots--I was mad to have them too. + +But my papa, when I wrote to him, would not hear of it; and three +pounds, the price of a pair, was too large a sum for my mother to +take from the housekeeping, or for me to pay, in the present +impoverished state of my exchequer; but the desire for the boots +was so strong, that have them I must at any rate. + +There was a German bootmaker who had just set up in OUR town in +those days, who afterwards made his fortune in London. I +determined to have the boots from him, and did not despair, before +the end of a year or two, either to leave the school, when I should +not mind his dunning me, or to screw the money from mamma, and so +pay him. + +So I called upon this man--Stiffelkind was his name--and he took my +measure for a pair. + +"You are a vary yong gentleman to wear dop-boots," said the +shoemaker. + +"I suppose, fellow," says I, "that is my business and not yours. +Either make the boots or not--but when you speak to a man of my +rank, speak respectfully!" And I poured out a number of oaths, in +order to impress him with a notion of my respectability. + +They had the desired effect. "Stay, sir," says he. "I have a nice +littel pair of dop-boots dat I tink will jost do for you." And he +produced, sure enough, the most elegant things I ever saw. "Day +were made," said he, "for de Honorable Mr. Stiffney, of de Gards, +but were too small." + +"Ah, indeed!" said I. "Stiffney is a relation of mine. And what, +you scoundrel, will you have the impudence to ask for these +things?" He replied, "Three pounds." + +"Well," said I, "they are confoundedly dear; but, as you will have +a long time to wait for your money, why, I shall have my revenge +you see. The man looked alarmed, and began a speech: "Sare,--I +cannot let dem go vidout"--but a bright thought struck me, and I +interrupted--"Sir! don't sir me. Take off the boots, fellow, and, +hark ye, when you speak to a nobleman, don't say--Sir." + +"A hundert tousand pardons, my lort," says he: "if I had known you +were a lort, I vood never have called you--Sir. Vat name shall I +put down in my books?" + +"Name?--oh! why, Lord Cornwallis, to be sure," said I, as I walked +off in the boots. + +"And vat shall I do vid my lort's shoes?" + +"Keep them until I send for them," said I. And, giving him a +patronizing bow, I walked out of the shop, as the German tied up my +shoes in paper. + + . . . . . . + +This story I would not have told, but that my whole life turned +upon these accursed boots. I walked back to school as proud as a +peacock, and easily succeeded in satisfying the boys as to the +manner in which I came by my new ornaments. + +Well, one fatal Monday morning--the blackest of all black-Mondays +that ever I knew--as we were all of us playing between school- +hours, I saw a posse of boys round a stranger, who seemed to be +looking out for one of us. A sudden trembling seized me--I knew it +was Stiffelkind. What had brought him here? He talked loud, and +seemed angry. So I rushed into the school-room, and burying my +head between my hands, began reading for dear life. + +"I vant Lort Cornvallis," said the horrid bootmaker. "His lortship +belongs, I know, to dis honorable school, for I saw him vid de boys +at chorch yesterday." + +"Lord who?" + +"Vy, Lort Cornvallis to be sure--a very fat yong nobeman, vid red +hair: he squints a little, and svears dreadfully." + +"There's no Lord Cornvallis here," said one; and there was a pause. + +"Stop! I have it," says that odious Bunting. "IT MUST BE STUBBS!" +And "Stubbs! Stubbs!" every one cried out, while I was so busy at +my book as not to hear a word. + +At last, two of the biggest chaps rushed into the schoolroom, and +seizing each an arm, run me into the playground--bolt up against +the shoemaker. + +"Dis is my man. I beg your lortship's pardon," says he, "I have +brought your lortship's shoes, vich you left. See, dey have been +in dis parcel ever since you vent avay in my boots." + +"Shoes, fellow!" says I. "I never saw your face before!" For I +knew there was nothing for it but brazening it out. "Upon the +honor of a gentleman!" said I, turning round to the boys. They +hesitated; and if the trick had turned in my favor, fifty of them +would have seized hold of Stiffelkind and drubbed him soundly. + +"Stop!" says Bunting (hang him!) "Let's see the shoes. If they +fit him, why then the cobbler's right." They did fit me; and not +only that, but the name of STUBBS was written in them at full +length. + +"Vat!" said Stiffelkind. "Is he not a lort? So help me Himmel, I +never did vonce tink of looking at de shoes, which have been lying +ever since in dis piece of brown paper." And then, gathering anger +as he went on, he thundered out so much of his abuse of me, in his +German-English, that the boys roared with laughter. Swishtail came +in in the midst of the disturbance, and asked what the noise meant. + +"It's only Lord Cornwallis, sir," said the boys, "battling with his +shoemaker about the price of a pair of top-boots." + +"Oh, sir," said I, "it was only in fun that I called myself Lord +Cornwallis." + +"In fun!--Where are the boots? And you, sir, give me your bill." +My beautiful boots were brought; and Stiffelkind produced his bill. +"Lord Cornwallis to Samuel Stiffelkind, for a pair of boots--four +guineas." + +"You have been fool enough, sir," says the Doctor, looking very +stern, "to let this boy impose on you as a lord; and knave enough +to charge him double the value of the article you sold him. Take +back the boots, sir! I won't pay a penny of your bill; nor can you +get a penny. As for you, sir, you miserable swindler and cheat, I +shall not flog you as I did before, but I shall send you home: you +are not fit to be the companion of honest boys." + +"SUPPOSE WE DUCK HIM before he goes?" piped out a very small voice. +The Doctor grinned significantly, and left the school-room; and the +boys knew by this they might have their will. They seized me and +carried me to the playground pump: they pumped upon me until I was +half dead; and the monster, Stiffelkind, stood looking on for the +half-hour the operation lasted. + +I suppose the Doctor, at last, thought I had had pumping enough, +for he rang the school-bell, and the boys were obliged to leave me. +As I got out of the trough, Stiffelkind was alone with me. "Vell, +my lort," says he, "you have paid SOMETHING for dese boots, but not +all. By Jubider, YOU SHALL NEVER HEAR DE END OF DEM." And I +didn't. + + +APRIL.--FOOLING. + + +After this, as you may fancy, I left this disgusting establishment, +and lived for some time along with pa and mamma at home. My +education was finished, at least mamma and I agreed that it was; +and from boyhood until hobbadyhoyhood (which I take to be about the +sixteenth year of the life of a young man, and may be likened to +the month of April when spring begins to bloom)--from fourteen +until seventeen, I say, I remained at home, doing nothing--for +which I have ever since had a great taste--the idol of my mamma, +who took part in all my quarrels with father, and used regularly to +rob the weekly expenses in order to find me in pocket-money. Poor +soul! many and many is the guinea I have had from her in that way; +and so she enabled me to cut a very pretty figure. + +Papa was for having me at this time articled to a merchant, or put +to some profession; but mamma and I agreed that I was born to be a +gentleman and not a tradesman, and the army was the only place for +me. Everybody was a soldier in those times, for the French war had +just begun, and the whole country was swarming with militia +regiments. "We'll get him a commission in a marching regiment," +said my father. "As we have no money to purchase him up, he'll +FIGHT his way, I make no doubt." And papa looked at me with a kind +of air of contempt, as much as to say he doubted whether I should +be very eager for such a dangerous way of bettering myself. + +I wish you could have heard mamma's screech when he talked so +coolly of my going out to fight! "What! send him abroad, across +the horrid, horrid sea--to be wrecked and perhaps drowned, and only +to land for the purpose of fighting the wicked Frenchmen,--to be +wounded, and perhaps kick--kick--killed! Oh, Thomas, Thomas! would +you murder me and your boy?" There was a regular scene. However, +it ended--as it always did--in mother's getting the better, and it +was settled that I should go into the militia. And why not? The +uniform is just as handsome, and the danger not half so great. I +don't think in the course of my whole military experience I ever +fought anything, except an old woman, who had the impudence to +hallo out, "Heads up, lobster!"--Well, I joined the North Bungays, +and was fairly launched into the world. + +I was not a handsome man, I know; but there was SOMETHING about me-- +that's very evident--for the girls always laughed when they talked +to me, and the men, though they affected to call me a poor little +creature, squint-eyes, knock-knees, redhead, and so on, were +evidently annoyed by my success, for they hated me so confoundedly. +Even at the present time they go on, though I have given up +gallivanting, as I call it. But in the April of my existence,-- +that is, in anno Domini 1791, or so--it was a different case; and +having nothing else to do, and being bent upon bettering my +condition, I did some very pretty things in that way. But I was +not hot-headed and imprudent, like most young fellows. Don't fancy +I looked for beauty! Pish!--I wasn't such a fool. Nor for temper; +I don't care about a bad temper: I could break any woman's heart in +two years. What I wanted was to get on in the world. Of course I +didn't PREFER an ugly woman, or a shrew; and when the choice +offered, would certainly put up with a handsome, good-humored girl, +with plenty of money, as any honest man would. + +Now there were two tolerably rich girls in our parts: Miss Magdalen +Crutty, with twelve thousand pounds (and, to do her justice, as +plain a girl as ever I saw), and Miss Mary Waters, a fine, tall, +plump, smiling, peach-cheeked, golden-haired, white-skinned lass, +with only ten. Mary Waters lived with her uncle, the Doctor, who +had helped me into the world, and who was trusted with this little +orphan charge very soon after. My mother, as you have heard, was +so fond of Bates, and Bates so fond of little Mary, that both, at +first, were almost always in our house; and I used to call her my +little wife as soon as I could speak, and before she could walk +almost. It was beautiful to see us, the neighbors said. + +Well, when her brother, the lieutenant of an India ship, came to be +captain, and actually gave Mary five thousand pounds, when she was +about ten years old, and promised her five thousand more, there was +a great talking, and bobbing, and smiling between the Doctor and my +parents, and Mary and I were left together more than ever, and she +was told to call me her little husband. And she did; and it was +considered a settled thing from that day. She was really amazingly +fond of me. + +Can any one call me mercenary after that? Though Miss Crutty had +twelve thousand, and Mary only ten (five in hand, and five in the +bush), I stuck faithfully to Mary. As a matter of course, Miss +Crutty hated Miss Waters. The fact was, Mary had all the country +dangling after her, and not a soul would come to Magdalen, for all +her 12,000L. I used to be attentive to her though (as it's always +useful to be); and Mary would sometimes laugh and sometimes cry at +my flirting with Magdalen. This I thought proper very quickly to +check. "Mary," said I, "you know that my love for you is +disinterested,--for I am faithful to you, though Miss Crutty is +richer than you. Don't fly into a rage, then, because I pay her +attentions, when you know that my heart and my promise are engaged +to you." + +The fact is, to tell a little bit of a secret, there is nothing +like the having two strings to your bow. "Who knows?" thought I. +"Mary may die; and then where are my 10,000L.?" So I used to be +very kind indeed to Miss Crutty; and well it was that I was so: for +when I was twenty and Mary eighteen, I'm blest if news did not +arrive that Captain Waters, who was coming home to England with all +his money in rupees, had been taken--ship, rupees, self and all--by +a French privateer; and Mary, instead of 10,000L. had only 5,000L., +making a difference of no less than 350L. per annum betwixt her and +Miss Crutty. + +I had just joined my regiment (the famous North Bungay Fencibles, +Colonel Craw commanding) when this news reached me; and you may +fancy how a young man, in an expensive regiment and mess, having +uniforms and what not to pay for, and a figure to cut in the world, +felt at hearing such news! "My dearest Robert," wrote Miss Waters, +"will deplore my dear brother's loss: but not, I am sure, the money +which that kind and generous soul had promised me. I have still +five thousand pounds, and with this and your own little fortune (I +had 1,000L. in the Five per Cents!) we shall be as happy and +contented as possible." + +Happy and contented indeed! Didn't I know how my father got on +with his 300L. a year, and how it was all he could do out of it to +add a hundred a year to my narrow income, and live himself! My +mind was made up. I instantly mounted the coach and flew to our +village,--to Mr. Crutty's, of course. It was next door to Doctor +Bates's; but I had no business THERE. + +I found Magdalen in the garden. "Heavens, Mr. Stubbs!" said she, +as in my new uniform I appeared before her, "I really did never-- +such a handsome officer--expect to see you." And she made as if +she would blush, and began to tremble violently. I led her to a +garden-seat. I seized her hand--it was not withdrawn. I pressed +it;--I thought the pressure was returned. I flung myself on my +knees, and then I poured into her ear a little speech which I had +made on the top of the coach. "Divine Miss Crutty," said I; "idol +of my soul! It was but to catch one glimpse of you that I passed +through this garden. I never intended to breathe the secret +passion" (oh, no; of course not) "which was wearing my life away. +You know my unfortunate pre-engagement--it is broken, and FOR EVER! +I am free;--free, but to be your slave,--your humblest, fondest, +truest slave!" And so on. . . . . + +"Oh, Mr. Stubbs," said she, as I imprinted a kiss upon her cheek, +"I can't refuse you; but I fear you are a sad naughty man. . . . ." + +Absorbed in the delicious reverie which was caused by the dear +creature's confusion, we were both silent for a while, and should +have remained so for hours perhaps, so lost were we in happiness, +had I not been suddenly roused by a voice exclaiming from behind +us-- + +"DON'T CRY, MARY! HE IS A SWINDLING, SNEAKING SCOUNDREL, AND YOU +ARE WELL RID OF HIM!" + +I turned round. O heaven, there stood Mary, weeping on Doctor +Bates's arm, while that miserable apothecary was looking at me with +the utmost scorn. The gardener, who had let me in, had told them +of my arrival, and now stood grinning behind them. "Imperence!" +was my Magdalen's only exclamation, as she flounced by with the +utmost self-possession, while I, glancing daggers at the SPIES, +followed her. We retired to the parlor, where she repeated to me +the strongest assurances of her love. + +I thought I was a made man. Alas! I was only an APRIL FOOL! + + +MAY.--RESTORATION DAY. + + +As the month of May is considered, by poets and other philosophers, +to be devoted by Nature to the great purpose of love-making, I may +as well take advantage of that season and acquaint you with the +result of MY amours. + +Young, gay, fascinating, and an ensign--I had completely won the +heart of my Magdalen; and as for Miss Waters and her nasty uncle +the Doctor, there was a complete split between us, as you may +fancy; Miss pretending, forsooth, that she was glad I had broken +off the match, though she would have given her eyes, the little +minx, to have had it on again. But this was out of the question. +My father, who had all sorts of queer notions, said I had acted +like a rascal in the business; my mother took my part, in course, +and declared I acted rightly, as I always did: and I got leave of +absence from the regiment in order to press my beloved Magdalen to +marry me out of hand--knowing, from reading and experience, the +extraordinary mutability of human affairs. + +Besides, as the dear girl was seventeen years older than myself, +and as bad in health as she was in temper, how was I to know that +the grim king of terrors might not carry her off before she became +mine? With the tenderest warmth, then, and most delicate ardor, I +continued to press my suit. The happy day was fixed--the ever +memorable 10th of May, 1792. The wedding-clothes were ordered; +and, to make things secure, I penned a little paragraph for the +county paper to this effect:--"Marriage in High Life. We +understand that Ensign Stubbs, of the North Bungay Fencibles, and +son of Thomas Stubbs, of Sloffemsquiggle, Esquire, is about to lead +to the hymeneal altar the lovely and accomplished daughter of +Solomon Crutty, Esquire, of the same place. A fortune of twenty +thousand pounds is, we hear, the lady's portion. 'None but the +brave deserve the fair.'" + + . . . . . . + +"Have you informed your relatives, my beloved?" said I to Magdalen, +one day after sending the above notice; "will any of them attend at +your marriage?" + +"Uncle Sam will, I dare say," said Miss Crutty, "dear mamma's +brother." + +"And who WAS your dear mamma?" said I: for Miss Crutty's respected +parent had been long since dead, and I never heard her name +mentioned in the family. + +Magdalen blushed, and cast down her eyes to the ground. "Mamma was +a foreigner," at last she said. + +"And of what country?" + +"A German. Papa married her when she was very young:--she was not +of a very good family," said Miss Crutty, hesitating. + +"And what care I for family, my love!" said I, tenderly kissing the +knuckles of the hand which I held. "She must have been an angel +who gave birth to you." + +"She was a shoemaker's daughter." + +"A GERMAN SHOEMAKER! Hang 'em," thought I, "I have had enough of +them;" and so broke up this conversation, which did not somehow +please me. + + . . . . . . + +Well, the day was drawing near: the clothes were ordered; the banns +were read. My dear mamma had built a cake about the size of a +washing-tub; and I was only waiting for a week to pass to put me in +possession of twelve thousand pounds in the FIVE per Cents, as they +were in those days, heaven bless 'em! Little did I know the storm +that was brewing, and the disappointment which was to fall upon a +young man who really did his best to get a fortune. + + . . . . . . + +"Oh, Robert," said my Magdalen to me, two days before the match was +to come off, "I have SUCH a kind letter from uncle Sam in London. +I wrote to him as you wished. He says that he is coming down to- +morrow, that he has heard of you often, and knows your character +very well; and that he has got a VERY HANDSOME PRESENT for us! +What can it be, I wonder?" + +"Is he rich, my soul's adored?" says I. + +"He is a bachelor, with a fine trade, and nobody to leave his money +to." + +"His present can't be less than a thousand pounds?" says I. + +"Or, perhaps, a silver tea-set, and some corner-dishes," says she. + +But we could not agree to this: it was too little--too mean for a +man of her uncle's wealth; and we both determined it must be the +thousand pounds. + +"Dear good uncle! he's to be here by the coach," says Magdalen. +"Let us ask a little party to meet him." And so we did, and so +they came: my father and mother, old Crutty in his best wig, and +the parson who was to marry us the next day. The coach was to come +in at six. And there was the tea-table, and there was the punch- +bowl, and everybody ready and smiling to receive our dear uncle +from London. + +Six o'clock came, and the coach, and the man from the "Green +Dragon" with a portmanteau, and a fat old gentleman walking behind, +of whom I just caught a glimpse--a venerable old gentleman: I +thought I'd seen him before. + + . . . . . . + +Then there was a ring at the bell; then a scuffling and bumping in +the passage: then old Crutty rushed out, and a great laughing and +talking, and "HOW ARE YOU?" and so on, was heard at the door; and +then the parlor-door was flung open, and Crutty cried out with a +loud voice-- + +"Good people all! my brother-in-law, Mr. STIFFELKIND!" + +MR. STIFFELKIND!--I trembled as I heard the name! + +Miss Crutty kissed him; mamma made him a curtsy, and papa made him +a bow; and Dr. Snorter, the parson, seized his hand and shook it +most warmly: then came my turn! + +"Vat!" says he. "It is my dear goot yong frend from Doctor +Schvis'hentail's! is dis de yong gentleman's honorable moder" +(mamma smiled and made a curtsy), "and dis his fader? Sare and +madam, you should be broud of soch a sonn. And you my niece, if +you have him for a husband you vill be locky, dat is all. Vat dink +you, broder Croty, and Madame Stobbs, I 'ave made your sonn's +boots! Ha--ha!" + +My mamma laughed, and said, "I did not know it, but I am sure, sir, +he has as pretty a leg for a boot as any in the whole county." + +Old Stiffelkind roared louder. "A very nice leg, ma'am, and a very +SHEAP BOOT TOO. Vat! did you not know I make his boots? Perhaps +you did not know something else too--p'raps you did not know" (and +here the monster clapped his hand on the table and made the punch- +ladle tremble in the bowl)--"p'raps you did not know as dat yong +man, dat Stobbs, dat sneaking, baltry, squinting fellow, is as +vicked as he is ogly. He bot a pair of boots from me and never +paid for dem. Dat is noting, nobody never pays; but he bought a +pair of boots, and called himself Lord Cornvallis. And I was fool +enough to believe him vonce. But look you, niece Magdalen, I 'ave +got five tousand pounds: if you marry him I vill not give you a +benny. But look you what I will gif you: I bromised you a bresent, +and I will give you DESE!" + +And the old monster produced THOSE VERY BOOTS which Swishtail had +made him take back. + + . . . . . . + +I DIDN'T marry Miss Crutty: I am not sorry for it though. She was +a nasty, ugly, ill-tempered wretch, and I've always said so ever +since. + +And all this arose from those infernal boots, and that unlucky +paragraph in the county paper--I'll tell you how. + +In the first place, it was taken up as a quiz by one of the wicked, +profligate, unprincipled organs of the London press, who chose to +be very facetious about the "Marriage in High Life," and made all +sorts of jokes about me and my dear Miss Crutty. + +Secondly, it was read in this London paper by my mortal enemy, +Bunting, who had been introduced to old Stiffelkind's acquaintance +by my adventure with him, and had his shoes made regularly by that +foreign upstart. + +Thirdly, he happened to want a pair of shoes mended at this +particular period, and as he was measured by the disgusting old +High-Dutch cobbler, he told him his old friend Stubbs was going to +be married. + +"And to whom?" said old Stiffelkind. "To a voman wit geld, I vill +take my oath." + +"Yes," says Bunting, "a country girl--a Miss Magdalen Carotty or +Crotty, at a place called Sloffemsquiggle." + +"SHLOFFEMSCHWIEGEL!" bursts out the dreadful bootmaker. "Mein +Gott, mein Gott! das geht nicht! I tell you, sare, it is no go. +Miss Crotty is my niece. I vill go down myself. I vill never let +her marry dat goot-for-nothing schwindler and tief." SUCH was the +language that the scoundrel ventured to use regarding me! + + +JUNE.--MARROWBONES AND CLEAVERS. + + +Was there ever such confounded ill-luck? My whole life has been a +tissue of ill-luck: although I have labored perhaps harder than any +man to make a fortune, something always tumbled it down. In love +and in war I was not like others. In my marriages, I had an eye to +the main chance; and you see how some unlucky blow would come and +throw them over. In the army I was just as prudent, and just as +unfortunate. What with judicious betting, and horse-swapping, +good-luck at billiards, and economy, I do believe I put by my pay +every year,--and that is what few can say who have but an allowance +of a hundred a year. + +I'll tell you how it was. I used to be very kind to the young men; +I chose their horses for them, and their wine: and showed them how +to play billiards, or ecarte, of long mornings, when there was +nothing better to do. I didn't cheat: I'd rather die than cheat;-- +but if fellows WILL play, I wasn't the man to say no--why should I? +There was one young chap in our regiment of whom I really think I +cleared 300L. a year. + +His name was Dobble. He was a tailor's son, and wanted to be a +gentleman. A poor weak young creature; easy to be made tipsy; easy +to be cheated; and easy to be frightened. It was a blessing for +him that I found him; for if anybody else had, they would have +plucked him of every shilling. + +Ensign Dobble and I were sworn friends. I rode his horses for him, +and chose his champagne, and did everything, in fact, that a +superior mind does for an inferior,--when the inferior has got the +money. We were inseparables,--hunting everywhere in couples. We +even managed to fall in love with two sisters, as young soldiers +will do, you know; for the dogs fall in love, with every change of +quarters. + +Well, once, in the year 1793 (it was just when the French had +chopped poor Louis's head off), Dobble and I, gay young chaps as +ever wore sword by side, had cast our eyes upon two young ladies by +the name of Brisket, daughters of a butcher in the town where we +were quartered. The dear girls fell in love with us, of course. +And many a pleasant walk in the country, many a treat to a tea- +garden, many a smart ribbon and brooch used Dobble and I (for his +father allowed him 600L., and our purses were in common) present to +these young ladies. One day, fancy our pleasure at receiving a +note couched thus:-- + + +"DEER CAPTING STUBBS AND DOBBLE--Miss Briskets presents their +compliments, and as it is probble that our papa will be till twelve +at the corprayshun dinner, we request the pleasure of their company +to tea." + + +Didn't we go! Punctually at six we were in the little back-parlor; +we quaffed more Bohea, and made more love, than half a dozen +ordinary men could. At nine, a little punch-bowl succeeded to the +little teapot; and, bless the girls! a nice fresh steak was +frizzling on the gridiron for our supper. Butchers were butchers +then, and their parlor was their kitchen too; at least old +Brisket's was--one door leading into the shop, and one into the +yard, on the other side of which was the slaughter-house. + +Fancy, then, our horror when, just at this critical time, we heard +the shop-door open, a heavy staggering step on the flags, and a +loud husky voice from the shop, shouting, "Hallo, Susan; hallo, +Betsy! show a light!" Dobble turned as white as a sheet; the two +girls each as red as a lobster; I alone preserved my presence of +mind. "The back-door," says I--"The dog's in the court," say they. +"He's not so bad as the man," said I. "Stop!" cries Susan, +flinging open the door, and rushing to the fire. "Take THIS and +perhaps it will quiet him." + +What do you think "THIS" was? I'm blest if it was not the STEAK! + +She pushed us out, patted and hushed the dog, and was in again in a +minute. The moon was shining on the court, and on the slaughter- +house, where there hung the white ghastly-looking carcasses of a +couple of sheep; a great gutter ran down the court--a gutter of +BLOOD! The dog was devouring his beefsteak (OUR beefsteak) in +silence; and we could see through the little window the girls +hustling about to pack up the supper-things, and presently the +shop-door being opened, old Brisket entering, staggering, angry, +and drunk. What's more, we could see, perched on a high stool, and +nodding politely, as if to salute old Brisket, the FEATHER OF +DOBBLE'S COCKED HAT! When Dobble saw it, he turned white, and +deadly sick; and the poor fellow, in an agony of fright, sunk +shivering down upon one of the butcher's cutting-blocks, which was +in the yard. + +We saw old Brisket look steadily (as steadily as he could) at the +confounded, impudent, pert, waggling feather; and then an idea +began to dawn upon his mind, that there was a head to the hat; and +then he slowly rose up--he was a man of six feet, and fifteen +stone--he rose up, put on his apron and sleeves, and TOOK DOWN HIS +CLEAVER. + +"Betsy," says he, "open the yard door." But the poor girls +screamed, and flung on their knees, and begged, and wept, and did +their very best to prevent him. "OPEN THE YARD DOOR!" says he, +with a thundering loud voice; and the great bull-dog, hearing it, +started up and uttered a yell which sent me flying to the other end +of the court.--Dobble couldn't move; he was sitting on the block, +blubbering like a baby. + +The door opened, and out Mr. Brisket came. + +"TO HIM, JOWLER!" says he. "KEEP HIM, JOWLER!"--and the horrid dog +flew at me, and I flew back into the corner, and drew my sword, +determining to sell my life dearly. + +"That's it," says Brisket. "Keep him there,--good dog,--good dog! +And now, sir," says he, turning round to Dobble, "is this your +hat?" + +"Yes," says Dobble, fit to choke with fright. + +"Well, then," says Brisket, "it's my--(hic)--my painful duty to-- +(hic)--to tell you, that as I've got your hat, I must have your +head;--it's painful, but it must be done. You'd better--(hic)-- +settle yourself com--comfumarably against that--(hic)--that block, +and I'll chop it off before you can say Jack--(hic)--no, I mean +Jack Robinson." + +Dobble went down on his knees and shrieked out, "I'm an only son, +Mr. Brisket! I'll marry her, sir; I will, upon my honor, sir.-- +Consider my mother, sir; consider my mother." + +"That's it, sir," says Brisket that's a good--(hic)--a good boy;-- +just put your head down quietly--and I'll have it off--yes, off--as +if you were Louis the Six--the Sixtix--the Siktickleteenth.--I'll +chop the other CHAP AFTERWARDS." + +When I heard this, I made a sudden bound back, and gave such a cry +as any man might who was in such a way. The ferocious Jowler, +thinking I was going to escape, flew at my throat; screaming +furious, I flung out my arms in a kind of desperation,--and, to my +wonder, down fell the dog, dead, and run through the body! + + . . . . . . + +At this moment a posse of people rushed in upon old Brisket,--one +of his daughters had had the sense to summon them,--and Dobble's +head was saved. And when they saw the dog lying dead at my feet, +my ghastly look, my bloody sword, they gave me no small credit for +my bravery. "A terrible fellow that Stubbs," said they; and so the +mess said, the next day. + +I didn't tell them that the dog had committed SUICIDE--why should +I? And I didn't say a word about Dobble's cowardice. I said he +was a brave fellow, and fought like a tiger; and this prevented HIM +from telling tales. I had the dogskin made into a pair of pistol- +holsters, and looked so fierce, and got such a name for courage in +our regiment, that when we had to meet the regulars, Bob Stubbs was +always the man put forward to support the honor of the corps. The +women, you know, adore courage; and such was my reputation at this +time, that I might have had my pick out of half a dozen, with +three, four, or five thousand pounds apiece, who were dying for +love of me and my red coat. But I wasn't such a fool. I had been +twice on the point of marriage, and twice disappointed; and I vowed +by all the Saints to have a wife, and a rich one. Depend upon +this, as an infallible maxim to guide you through life: IT'S AS +EASY TO GET A RICH WIFE AS A POOR ONE;--the same bait that will +hook a fly will hook a salmon. + + +JULY.--SUMMARY PROCEEDINGS. + + +Dobble's reputation for courage was not increased by the butcher's- +dog adventure; but mine stood very high: little Stubbs was voted +the boldest chap of all the bold North Bungays. And though I must +confess, what was proved by subsequent circumstances, that nature +has NOT endowed me with a large, or even, I may say, an average +share of bravery, yet a man is very willing to flatter himself to +the contrary; and, after a little time, I got to believe that my +killing the dog was an action of undaunted courage, and that I was +as gallant as any of the one hundred thousand heroes of our army. +I always had a military taste--it's only the brutal part of the +profession, the horrid fighting and blood, that I don't like. + +I suppose the regiment was not very brave itself--being only +militia; but certain it was, that Stubbs was considered a most +terrible fellow, and I swore so much, and looked so fierce, that +you would have fancied I had made half a hundred campaigns. I was +second in several duels; the umpire in all disputes; and such a +crack-shot myself, that fellows were shy of insulting me. As for +Dobble, I took him under my protection; and he became so attached +to me, that we ate, drank, and rode together every day; his father +didn't care for money, so long as his son was in good company--and +what so good as that of the celebrated Stubbs? Heigho! I WAS good +company in those days, and a brave fellow too, as I should have +remained, but for--what I shall tell the public immediately. + +It happened, in the fatal year ninety-six, that the brave North +Bungays were quartered at Portsmouth, a maritime place, which I +need not describe, and which I wish I had never seen. I might have +been a General now, or, at least, a rich man. + +The red-coats carried everything before them in those days; and I, +such a crack character as I was in my regiment, was very well +received by the townspeople: many dinners I had; many tea-parties; +many lovely young ladies did I lead down the pleasant country- +dances. + +Well, although I had had the two former rebuffs in love which I +have described, my heart was still young; and the fact was, knowing +that a girl with a fortune was my only chance, I made love here as +furiously as ever. I shan't describe the lovely creatures on whom +I fixed, whilst at Portsmouth. I tried more than--several--and it +is a singular fact, which I never have been able to account for, +that, successful as I was with ladies of maturer age, by the young +ones I was refused regular. + +But "faint heart never won fair lady;" and so I went on, and on, +until I had got a Miss Clopper, a tolerable rich navy-contractor's +daughter, into such a way, that I really don't think she could have +refused me. Her brother, Captain Clopper, was in a line regiment, +and helped me as much as ever he could: he swore I was such a brave +fellow. + +As I had received a number of attentions from Clopper, I determined +to invite him to dinner; which I could do without any sacrifice of +my principle upon this point: for the fact is, Dobble lived at an +inn, and as he sent all his bills to his father, I made no scruple +to use his table. We dined in the coffee-room, Dobble bringing HIS +friend; and so we made a party CARRY, as the French say. Some +naval officers were occupied in a similar way at a table next to +ours. + +Well--I didn't spare the bottle, either for myself or for my +friends; and we grew very talkative, and very affectionate as the +drinking went on. Each man told stories of his gallantry in the +field, or amongst the ladies, as officers will, after dinner. +Clopper confided to the company his wish that I should marry his +sister, and vowed that he thought me the best fellow in Christendom. + +Ensign Dobble assented to this. "But let Miss Clopper beware," +says he, "for Stubbs is a sad fellow: he has had I don't know how +many liaisons already; and he has been engaged to I don't know how +many women." + +"Indeed!" says Clopper. "Come, Stubbs, tell us your adventures." + +"Psha!" said I, modestly, "there is nothing, indeed, to tell. I +have been in love, my dear boy--who has not?--and I have been +jilted--who has not?" + +Clopper swore he would blow his sister's brains out if ever SHE +served me so. + +"Tell him about Miss Crutty," said Dobble. "He! he! Stubbs served +THAT woman out, anyhow; she didn't jilt HIM. I'll be sworn." + +"Really, Dobble, you are too bad, and should not mention names. +The fact is, the girl was desperately in love with me, and had +money--sixty thousand pounds, upon my reputation. Well, everything +was arranged, when who should come down from London but a +relation." + +"Well, and did he prevent the match?" + +"Prevent it--yes, sir, I believe you he did; though not in the +sense that YOU mean. He would have given his eyes--ay, and ten +thousand pounds more--if I would have accepted the girl, but I +would not." + +"Why, in the name of goodness?" + +"Sir, her uncle was a SHOEMAKER. I never would debase myself by +marrying into such a family." + +"Of course not," said Dobble; "he couldn't, you know. Well, now-- +tell him about the other girl, Mary Waters, you know." + +"Hush, Dobble, hush! don't you see one of those naval officers has +turned round and heard you? My dear Clopper, it was a mere +childish bagatelle." + +"Well, but let's have it," said Clopper--"let's have it. I won't +tell my sister, you know." And he put his hand to his nose and +looked monstrous wise. + +"Nothing of that sort, Clopper--no, no--'pon honor--little Bob +Stubbs is no LIBERTINE; and the story is very simple. You see that +my father has a small place, merely a few hundred acres, at +Sloffemsquiggle. Isn't it a funny name? Hang it, there's the +naval gentleman staring again,"--(I looked terribly fierce as I +returned this officer's stare, and continued in a loud careless +voice). Well, at this Sloffemsquiggle there lived a girl, a Miss +Waters, the niece of some blackguard apothecary in the neighborhood; +but my mother took a fancy to the girl, and had her up to the park +and petted her. We were both young--and--and--the girl fell in love +with me, that's the fact. I was obliged to repel some rather warm +advances that she made me; and here, upon my honor as a gentleman, +you have all the story about which that silly Dobble makes such a +noise. + +Just as I finished this sentence. I found myself suddenly taken by +the nose, and a voice shouting out,-- + +"Mr. Stubbs, you are A LIAR AND A SCOUNDREL! Take this, sir,--and +this, for daring to meddle with the name of an innocent lady." + +I turned round as well as I could--for the ruffian had pulled me +out of my chair--and beheld a great marine monster, six feet high, +who was occupied in beating and kicking me, in the most +ungentlemanly manner, on my cheeks, my ribs, and between the tails +of my coat. "He is a liar, gentlemen, and a scoundrel! The +bootmaker had detected him in swindling, and so his niece refused +him. Miss Waters was engaged to him from childhood, and he +deserted her for the bootmaker's niece, who was richer."--And then +sticking a card between my stock and my coat-collar, in what is +called the scruff of my neck, the disgusting brute gave me another +blow behind my back, and left the coffee-room with his friends. + +Dobble raised me up; and taking the card from my neck, read, +CAPTAIN WATERS. Clopper poured me out a glass of water, and said +in my ear, "If this is true, you are an infernal scoundrel, Stubbs; +and must fight me, after Captain Waters;" and he flounced out of +the room. + +I had but one course to pursue. I sent the Captain a short and +contemptuous note, saying that he was beneath my anger. As for +Clopper, I did not condescend to notice his remark but in order to +get rid of the troublesome society of these low blackguards, I +determined to gratify an inclination I had long entertained, and +make a little tour. I applied for leave of absence, and set off +THAT VERY NIGHT. I can fancy the disappointment of the brutal +Waters, on coming, as he did, the next morning to my quarters and +finding me GONE. Ha! ha! + +After this adventure I became sick of a military life--at least the +life of my own regiment, where the officers, such was their +unaccountable meanness and prejudice against me, absolutely refused +to see me at mess. Colonel Craw sent me a letter to this effect, +which I treated as it deserved.--I never once alluded to it in any +way, and have since never spoken a single word to any man in the +North Bungays. + + +AUGUST.--DOGS HAVE THEIR DAYS. + + +See, now, what life is! I have had ill-luck on ill-luck from that +day to this. I have sunk in the world, and, instead of riding my +horse and drinking my wine, as a real gentleman should, have hardly +enough now to buy a pint of ale; ay, and am very glad when anybody +will treat me to one. Why, why was I born to undergo such +unmerited misfortunes? + +You must know that very soon after my adventure with Miss Crutty, +and that cowardly ruffian, Captain Waters (he sailed the day after +his insult to me, or I should most certainly have blown his brains +out; NOW he is living in England, and is my relation; but, of +course, I cut the fellow)--very soon after these painful events +another happened, which ended, too, in a sad disappointment. My +dear papa died, and, instead of leaving five thousand pounds, as I +expected at the very least, left only his estate, which was worth +but two. The land and house were left to me; to mamma and my +sisters he left, to be sure, a sum of two thousand pounds in the +hands of that eminent firm Messrs. Pump, Aldgate and Co., which +failed within six months after his demise, and paid in five years +about one shilling and ninepence in the pound; which really was all +my dear mother and sisters had to live upon. + +The poor creatures were quite unused to money matters; and, would +you believe it? when the news came of Pump and Aldgate's failure, +mamma only smiled, and threw her eyes up to heaven, and said, +"Blessed be God, that we have still wherewithal to live. There are +tens of thousands in this world, dear children, who would count our +poverty riches." And with this she kissed my two sisters, who +began to blubber, as girls always will do, and threw their arms +round her neck, and then round my neck, until I was half stifled +with their embraces, and slobbered all over with their tears. + +"Dearest mamma," said I, "I am very glad to see the noble manner in +which you bear your loss; and more still to know that you are so +rich as to be able to put up with it." The fact was, I really +thought the old lady had got a private hoard of her own, as many of +them have--a thousand pounds or so in a stocking. Had she put by +thirty pounds a year, as well she might, for the thirty years of +her marriage, there would have been nine hundred pounds clear, and +no mistake. But still I was angry to think that any such paltry +concealment had been practised--concealment too of MY money; so I +turned on her pretty sharply, and continued my speech. "You say, +Ma'am, that you are rich, and that Pump and Aldgate's failure has +no effect upon you. I am very happy to hear you say so, Ma'am-- +very happy that you ARE rich; and I should like to know where your +property, my father's property, for you had none of your own,--I +should like to know where this money lies--WHERE YOU HAVE CONCEALED +IT, Ma'am; and, permit me to say, that when I agreed to board you +and my two sisters for eighty pounds a year, I did not know that +you had OTHER resources than those mentioned in my blessed father's +will." + +This I said to her because I hated the meanness of concealment, not +because I lost by the bargain of boarding them: for the three poor +things did not eat much more than sparrows: and I've often since +calculated that I had a clear twenty pounds a year profit out of +them. + +Mamma and the girls looked quite astonished when I made the speech. +"What does he mean?" said Lucy to Eliza. + +Mamma repeated the question. "My beloved Robert, what concealment +are you talking of?" + +"I am talking of concealed property, Ma'am," says I sternly. + +"And do you--what--can you--do you really suppose that I have +concealed--any of that blessed sa-a-a-aint's prop-op-op-operty?" +screams out mamma. "Robert," says she--"Bob, my own darling boy-- +my fondest, best beloved, now HE is gone" (meaning my late +governor--more tears)--"you don't, you cannot fancy that your own +mother, who bore you, and nursed you, and wept for you, and would +give her all to save you from a moment's harm--you don't suppose +that she would che-e-e-eat you!" And here she gave a louder +screech than ever, and flung back on the sofa; and one of my +sisters went and tumbled into her arms, and t'other went round, and +the kissing and slobbering scene went on again, only I was left +out, thank goodness. I hate such sentimentality. + +"CHE-E-E-EAT ME," says I, mocking her. "What do you mean, then, by +saying you're so rich? Say, have you got money, or have you not?" +(And I rapped out a good number of oaths, too, which I don't put in +here; but I was in a dreadful fury, that's the fact.) + +"So help me heaven," says mamma, in answer, going down on her knees +and smacking her two hands, "I have but a Queen Anne's guinea in +the whole of this wicked world." + +"Then what, Madam, induces you to tell these absurd stories to me, +and to talk about your riches, when you know that you and your +daughters are beggars, Ma'am--BEGGARS?" + +"My dearest boy, have we not got the house, and the furniture, and +a hundred a year still; and have you not great talents, which will +make all our fortunes?" says Mrs. Stubbs, getting up off her knees, +and making believe to smile as she clawed hold of my hand and +kissed it. + +This was TOO cool. "YOU have got a hundred a year, Ma'am," says I-- +"YOU have got a house? Upon my soul and honor this is the first I +ever heard of it; and I'll tell you what, Ma'am," says I (and it +cut her PRETTY SHARPLY too): "as you've got it, YOU'D BETTER GO AND +LIVE IN IT. I've got quite enough to do with my own house, and +every penny of my own income." + +Upon this speech the old lady said nothing, but she gave a screech +loud enough to be heard from here to York, and down she fell-- +kicking and struggling in a regular fit. + + . . . . . . + +I did not see Mrs. Stubbs for some days after this, and the girls +used to come down to meals, and never speak; going up again and +stopping with their mother. At last, one day, both of them came in +very solemn to my study, and Eliza, the eldest, said, "Robert, +mamma has paid you our board up to Michaelmas." + +"She has," says I; for I always took precious good care to have it +in advance. + +"She says, Robert, That on Michaelmas day--we'll--we'll go away, +Robert." + +"Oh, she's going to her own house, is she, Lizzy? Very good. +She'll want the furniture, I suppose, and that she may have too, +for I'm going to sell the place myself." And so THAT matter was +settled. + + . . . . . . + +On Michaelmas day--and during these two months I hadn't, I do +believe, seen my mother twice (once, about two o'clock in the +morning, I woke and found her sobbing over my bed)--on Michaelmas- +day morning, Eliza comes to me and says, "ROBERT, THEY WILL COME +AND FETCH US AT SIX THIS EVENING." Well, as this was the last day, +I went and got the best goose I could find (I don't think I ever +saw a primer, or ate more hearty myself), and had it roasted at +three, with a good pudding afterwards; and a glorious bowl of +punch. "Here's a health to you, dear girls," says I, "and you, Ma, +and good luck to all three; and as you've not eaten a morsel, I +hope you won't object to a glass of punch. It's the old stuff, you +know, Ma'am, that that Waters sent to my father fifteen years ago." + +Six o'clock came, and with it came a fine barouche. As I live, +Captain Waters was on the box (it was his coach); that old thief, +Bates, jumped out, entered my house, and before I could say Jack +Robinson, whipped off mamma to the carriage: the girls followed, +just giving me a hasty shake of the hand; and as mamma was helped +in, Mary Waters, who was sitting inside, flung her arms round her, +and then round the girls; and the Doctor, who acted footman, jumped +on the box, and off they went; taking no more notice of ME than if +I'd been a nonentity. + +Here's a picture of the whole business:--Mamma and Miss Waters are +sitting kissing each other in the carriage, with the two girls in +the back seat: Waters is driving (a precious bad driver he is too); +and I'm standing at the garden door, and whistling. That old fool +Mary Malowney is crying behind the garden gate: she went off next +day along with the furniture; and I to get into that precious +scrape which I shall mention next. + + +SEPTEMBER.--PLUCKING A GOOSE. + + +After my papa's death, as he left me no money, and only a little +land, I put my estate into an auctioneer's hands, and determined to +amuse my solitude with a trip to some of our fashionable watering- +places. My house was now a desert to me. I need not say how the +departure of my dear parent, and her children, left me sad and +lonely. + +Well, I had a little ready money, and, for the estate, expected a +couple of thousand pounds. I had a good military-looking person: +for though I had absolutely cut the old North Bungays (indeed, +after my affair with Waters, Colonel Craw hinted to me, in the most +friendly manner, that I had better resign)--though I had left the +army, I still retained the rank of Captain; knowing the advantages +attendant upon that title in a watering-place tour. + +Captain Stubbs became a great dandy at Cheltenham, Harrogate, Bath, +Leamington, and other places. I was a good whist and billiard +player; so much so, that in many of these towns, the people used to +refuse, at last, to play with me, knowing how far I was their +superior. Fancy my surprise, about five years after the Portsmouth +affair, when strolling one day up the High Street, in Leamington, +my eyes lighted upon a young man, whom I remembered in a certain +butcher's yard, and elsewhere--no other, in fact, than Dobble. He, +too, was dressed en militaire, with a frogged coat and spurs; and +was walking with a showy-looking, Jewish-faced, black-haired lady, +glittering with chains and rings, with a green bonnet and a bird- +of-Paradise--a lilac shawl, a yellow gown, pink silk stockings, and +light-blue shoes. Three children, and a handsome footman, were +walking behind her, and the party, not seeing me, entered the +"Royal Hotel" together. + +I was known myself at the "Royal," and calling one of the waiters, +learned the names of the lady and gentleman. He was Captain +Dobble, the son of the rich army-clothier, Dobble (Dobble, Hobble +and Co. of Pall Mall);--the lady was a Mrs. Manasseh, widow of an +American Jew, living quietly at Leamington with her children, but +possessed of an immense property. There's no use to give one's +self out to be an absolute pauper: so the fact is, that I myself +went everywhere with the character of a man of very large means. +My father had died, leaving me immense sums of money, and landed +estates. Ah! I was the gentleman then, the real gentleman, and +everybody was too happy to have me at table. + +Well, I came the next day, and left a card for Dobble, with a note. +He neither returned my visit, nor answered my note. The day after, +however, I met him with the widow, as before; and going up to him, +very kindly seized him by the hand, and swore I was--as really was +the case--charmed to see him. Dobble hung back, to my surprise, +and I do believe the creature would have cut me, if he dared; but I +gave him a frown, and said-- + +"What, Dobble, my boy, don't you recollect old Stubbs, and our +adventure with the butcher's daughters--ha?" + +Dobble gave a sickly kind of grin, and said, "Oh! ah! yes! It is-- +yes! it is, I believe, Captain Stubbs." + +"An old comrade, Madam, of Captain Dobble's, and one who has heard +so much, and seen so much of your ladyship, that he must take the +liberty of begging his friend to introduce him." + +Dobble was obliged to take the hint; and Captain Stubbs was duly +presented to Mrs. Manasseh. The lady was as gracious as possible; +and when, at the end of the walk, we parted, she said "she hoped +Captain Dobble would bring me to her apartments that evening, where +she expected a few friends." Everybody, you see, knows everybody +at Leamington; and I, for my part, was well known as a retired +officer of the army, who, on his father's death, had come into +seven thousand a year. Dobble's arrival had been subsequent to +mine; but putting up as he did at the "Royal Hotel," and dining at +the ordinary there with the widow, he had made her acquaintance +before I had. I saw, however, that if I allowed him to talk about +me, as he could, I should be compelled to give up all my hopes and +pleasures at Leamington; and so I determined to be short with him. +As soon as the lady had gone into the hotel, my friend Dobble was +for leaving me likewise; but I stopped him and said, "Mr. Dobble, I +saw what you meant just now: you wanted to cut me, because, +forsooth, I did not choose to fight a duel at Portsmouth. Now look +you, Dobble, I am no hero, but I'm not such a coward as you--and +you know it. You are a very different man to deal with from +Waters; and I WILL FIGHT this time." + +Not perhaps that I would: but after the business of the butcher, I +knew Dobble to be as great a coward as ever lived; and there never +was any harm in threatening, for you know you are not obliged to +stick to it afterwards. My words had their effect upon Dobble, who +stuttered and looked red, and then declared he never had the +slightest intention of passing me by; so we became friends, and his +mouth was stopped. + +He was very thick with the widow, but that lady had a very +capacious heart, and there were a number of other gentlemen who +seemed equally smitten with her. "Look at that Mrs. Manasseh," +said a gentleman (it was droll, HE was a Jew, too) sitting at +dinner by me. "She is old, and ugly, and yet, because she has +money, all the men are flinging themselves at her." + +"She has money, has she?" + +"Eighty thousand pounds, and twenty thousand for each of her +children. I know it FOR A FACT," said the strange gentleman. "I +am in the law, and we of our faith, you know, know pretty well what +the great families amongst us are worth." + +"Who was Mr. Manasseh?" said I. + +"A man of enormous wealth--a tobacco-merchant--West Indies; a +fellow of no birth, however; and who, between ourselves, married a +woman that is not much better than she should be. My dear sir," +whispered he, "she is always in love. Now it is with that Captain +Dobble; last week it was somebody else--and it may be you next +week, if--ha! ha! ha!--you are disposed to enter the lists. I +wouldn't, for MY part, have the woman with twice her money." + +What did it matter to me whether the woman was good or not, +provided she was rich? My course was quite clear. I told Dobble +all that this gentleman had informed me, and being a pretty good +hand at making a story, I made the widow appear SO bad, that the +poor fellow was quite frightened, and fairly quitted the field. +Ha! ha! I'm dashed if I did not make him believe that Mrs. Manasseh +had MURDERED her last husband. + +I played my game so well, thanks to the information that my friend +the lawyer had given me, that in a month I had got the widow to +show a most decided partiality for me. I sat by her at dinner, I +drank with her at the "Wells"--I rode with her, I danced with her, +and at a picnic to Kenilworth, where we drank a good deal of +champagne, I actually popped the question, and was accepted. In +another month, Robert Stubbs, Esq., led to the altar, Leah, widow +of the late Z. Manasseh, Esq., of St. Kitt's! + + . . . . . . + +We drove up to London in her comfortable chariot: the children and +servants following in a post-chaise. I paid, of course, for +everything; and until our house in Berkeley Square was painted, we +stopped at "Stevens's Hotel." + + . . . . . . + +My own estate had been sold, and the money was lying at a bank in +the City. About three days after our arrival, as we took our +breakfast in the hotel, previous to a visit to Mrs. Stubbs's +banker, where certain little transfers were to be made, a gentleman +was introduced, who, I saw at a glance, was of my wife's +persuasion. + +He looked at Mrs. Stubbs, and made a bow. "Perhaps it will be +convenient to you to pay this little bill, one hundred and fifty- +two pounds?" + +"My love," says she, "will you pay this--it is a trifle which I had +really forgotten?" + +"My soul!" said I, "I have really not the money in the house." + +"Vel, denn, Captain Shtubbsh," says he, "I must do my duty--and +arrest you--here is the writ! Tom, keep the door?" My wife +fainted--the children screamed, and I fancy my condition as I was +obliged to march off to a spunging-house along with a horrid +sheriff's officer? + + +OCTOBER.--MARS AND VENUS IN OPPOSITION. + + +I shall not describe my feelings when I found myself in a cage in +Cursitor Street, instead of that fine house in Berkeley Square, +which was to have been mine as the husband of Mrs. Manasseh. What +a place!--in an odious, dismal street leading from Chancery Lane. +A hideous Jew boy opened the second of three doors and shut it when +Mr. Nabb and I (almost fainting) had entered; then he opened the +third door, and then I was introduced to a filthy place called a +coffee-room, which I exchanged for the solitary comfort of a little +dingy back-parlor, where I was left for a while to brood over my +miserable fate. Fancy the change between this and Berkeley Square! +Was I, after all my pains, and cleverness, and perseverance, +cheated at last? Had this Mrs. Manasseh been imposing upon me, and +were the words of the wretch I met at the table-d'hote at +Leamington only meant to mislead me and take me in? I determined +to send for my wife, and know the whole truth. I saw at once that +I had been the victim of an infernal plot, and that the carriage, +the house in town, the West India fortune, were only so many lies +which I had blindly believed. It was true that the debt was but a +hundred and fifty pounds; and I had two thousand at my bankers'. +But was the loss of HER 80,000L. nothing? Was the destruction of +my hopes nothing? The accursed addition to my family of a Jewish +wife and three Jewish children, nothing? And all these I was to +support out of my two thousand pounds. I had better have stopped +at home with my mamma and sisters, whom I really did love, and who +produced me eighty pounds a year. + +I had a furious interview with Mrs. Stubbs; and when I charged her, +the base wretch! with cheating me, like a brazen serpent as she +was, she flung back the cheat in my teeth, and swore I had swindled +her. Why did I marry her, when she might have had twenty others? +She only took me, she said, because I had twenty thousand pounds. +I HAD said I possessed that sum; but in love, you know, and war +all's fair. + +We parted quite as angrily as we met; and I cordially vowed that +when I had paid the debt into which I had been swindled by her, I +would take my 2,000L. and depart to some desert island; or, at the +very least, to America, and never see her more, or any of her +Israelitish brood. There was no use in remaining in the spunging- +house (for I knew that there were such things as detainers, and +that where Mrs. Stubbs owed a hundred pounds, she might owe a +thousand) so I sent for Mr. Nabb, and tendering him a cheque for +150L. and his costs, requested to be let out forthwith. "Here, +fellow," said I, "is a cheque on Child's for your paltry sum." + +"It may be a sheck on Shild's," says Mr. Nabb; "but I should be a +baby to let you out on such a paper as dat." + +"Well," said I, "Child's is but a step from this: you may go and +get the cash,--just give me an acknowledgment." + +Nabb drew out the acknowledgment with great punctuality, and set +off for the bankers', whilst I prepared myself for departure from +this abominable prison. + +He smiled as he came in. "Well," said I, "you have touched your +money; and now, I must tell you, that you are the most infernal +rogue and extortioner I ever met with." + +"Oh, no, Mishter Shtubbsh," says he, grinning still. "Dere is som +greater roag dan me,--mosh greater." + +"Fellow," said I, "don't stand grinning before a gentleman; but +give me my hat and cloak, and let me leave your filthy den." + +"Shtop, Shtubbsh," says he, not even Mistering me this time. "Here +ish a letter, vich you had better read." + +I opened the letter; something fell to the ground:--it was my +cheque. + +The letter ran thus: "Messrs. Child and Co. present their +compliments to Captain Stubbs, and regret that they have been +obliged to refuse payment of the enclosed, having been served this +day with an attachment by Messrs. Solomonson and Co., which compels +them to retain Captain Stubbs' balance of 2,010L. 11s. 6d. until +the decision of the suit of Solomonson v. Stubbs. + +"FLEET STREET." + +"You see," says Mr. Nabb, as I read this dreadful letter--"you see, +Shtubbsh, dere vas two debts,--a little von and a big von. So dey +arrested you for de little von, and attashed your money for de big +von." + +Don't laugh at me for telling this story. If you knew what tears +are blotting over the paper as I write it--if you knew that for +weeks after I was more like a madman than a sane man,--a madman in +the Fleet Prison, where I went instead of to the desert island! +What had I done to deserve it? Hadn't I always kept an eye to the +main chance? Hadn't I lived economically, and not like other young +men? Had I ever been known to squander or give away a single +penny? No! I can lay my hand on my heart, and, thank heaven, say, +No! Why, why was I punished so? + +Let me conclude this miserable history. Seven months--my wife saw +me once or twice, and then dropped me altogether--I remained in +that fatal place. I wrote to my dear mamma, begging her to sell +her furniture, but got no answer. All my old friends turned their +backs upon me. My action went against me--I had not a penny to +defend it. Solomonson proved my wife's debt, and seized my two +thousand pounds. As for the detainer against me, I was obliged to +go through the court for the relief of insolvent debtors. I passed +through it, and came out a beggar. But fancy the malice of that +wicked Stiffelkind: he appeared in court as my creditor for 3L., +with sixteen years' interest at five per cent, for a PAIR OF TOP- +BOOTS. The old thief produced them in court, and told the whole +story--Lord Cornwallis, the detection, the pumping and all. + +Commissioner Dubobwig was very funny about it. "So Doctor +Swishtail would not pay you for the boots, eh, Mr. Stiffelkind?" + +"No: he said, ven I asked him for payment, dey was ordered by a +yong boy, and I ought to have gone to his schoolmaster." + +"What! then you came on a BOOTLESS errand, ay, sir?" (A laugh.) + +"Bootless! no sare, I brought de boots back vid me. How de devil +else could I show dem to you?" (Another laugh.) + +"You've never SOLED 'em since, Mr. Tickleshins?" + +"I never would sell dem; I svore I never vood, on porpus to be +revenged on dat Stobbs." + +"What! your wound has never been HEALED, eh?" + +"Vat do you mean vid your bootless errands, and your soling and +healing? I tell you I have done vat I svore to do: I have exposed +him at school; I have broak off a marriage for him, ven he vould +have had tventy tousand pound; and now I have showed him up in a +court of justice. Dat is vat I 'ave done, and dat's enough." And +then the old wretch went down, whilst everybody was giggling and +staring at poor me--as if I was not miserable enough already. + +"This seems the dearest pair of boots you ever had in your life, +Mr. Stubbs," said Commissioner Dubobwig very archly, and then he +began to inquire about the rest of my misfortunes. + +In the fulness of my heart I told him the whole of them: how Mr. +Solomonson the attorney had introduced me to the rich widow, Mrs. +Manasseh, who had fifty thousand pounds, and an estate in the West +Indies. How I was married, and arrested on coming to town, and +cast in an action for two thousand pounds brought against me by +this very Solomonson for my wife's debts. + +"Stop!" says a lawyer in the court. "Is this woman a showy black- +haired woman with one eye? very often drunk, with three children?-- +Solomonson, short, with red hair?" + +"Exactly so," said I, with tears in my eyes. + +"That woman has married THREE MEN within the last two years. One +in Ireland, and one at Bath. A Solomonson is, I believe, her +husband, and they both are off for America ten days ago." + +"But why did you not keep your 2,000L.?" said the lawyer. + +"Sir, they attached it." + +"Oh, well, we may pass you. You have been unlucky, Mr. Stubbs, but +it seems as if the biter had been bit in this affair." + +"No," said Mr. Dubobwig. "Mr. Stubbs is the victim of a FATAL +ATTACHMENT." + + +NOVEMBER.--A GENERAL POST DELIVERY. + + +I was a free man when I went out of the Court; but I was a beggar-- +I, Captain Stubbs, of the bold North Bungays, did not know where I +could get a bed, or a dinner. + +As I was marching sadly down Portugal Street, I felt a hand on my +shoulder and a rough voice which I knew well. + +"Vell, Mr. Stobbs, have I not kept my promise? I told you dem +boots would be your ruin." + +I was much too miserable to reply; and only cast my eyes towards +the roofs of the houses, which I could not see for the tears. + +"Vat! you begin to gry and blobber like a shild? you vood marry, +vood you? and noting vood do for you but a vife vid monny--ha, ha-- +but you vere de pigeon, and she was de grow. She has plocked you, +too, pretty vell--eh? ha! ha!" + +"Oh, Mr. Stiffelkind," said I, "don't laugh at my misery: she has +not left me a single shilling under heaven. And I shall starve: I +do believe I shall starve." And I began to cry fit to break my +heart. + +"Starf! stoff and nonsense! You vill never die of starfing--you +vill die of HANGING, I tink--ho! ho!--and it is moch easier vay +too." I didn't say a word, but cried on; till everybody in the +street turned round and stared. + +"Come, come," said Stiffelkind, "do not gry, Gaptain Stobbs--it is +not goot for a Gaptain to gry--ha! ha! Dere--come vid me, and you +shall have a dinner, and a bregfast too,--vich shall gost you +nothing, until you can bay vid your earnings." + +And so this curious old man, who had persecuted me all through my +prosperity, grew compassionate towards me in my ill-luck; and took +me home with him as he promised. "I saw your name among de +Insolvents, and I vowed, you know, to make you repent dem boots. +Dere, now, it is done and forgotten, look you. Here, Betty, +Bettchen, make de spare bed, and put a clean knife and fork; Lort +Cornvallis is come to dine vid me." + +I lived with this strange old man for six weeks. I kept his books, +and did what little I could to make myself useful: carrying about +boots and shoes, as if I had never borne his Majesty's commission. +He gave me no money, but he fed and lodged me comfortably. The men +and boys used to laugh, and call me General, and Lord Cornwallis, +and all sorts of nicknames; and old Stiffelkind made a thousand new +ones for me. + +One day I can recollect--one miserable day, as I was polishing on +the trees a pair of boots of Mr. Stiffelkind's manufacture--the old +gentleman came into the shop, with a lady on his arm. + +"Vere is Gaptain Stobbs?" said he. "Vere is dat ornament to his +Majesty's service?" + +I came in from the back shop, where I was polishing the boots, with +one of them in my hand. + +"Look, my dear," says he, "here is an old friend of yours, his +Excellency Lort Cornvallis!--Who would have thought such a nobleman +vood turn shoeblack? Captain Stobbs, here is your former flame, my +dear niece, Miss Grotty. How could you, Magdalen, ever leaf such a +lof of a man? Shake hands vid her, Gaptain;--dere, never mind de +blacking!" But Miss drew back. + +"I never shake hands with a SHOEBLACK," said she, mighty +contemptuous. + +"Bah! my lof, his fingers von't soil you. Don't you know he has +just been VITEVASHED?" + +"I wish, uncle," says she, "you would not leave me with such low +people." + +"Low, because he cleans boots? De Gaptain prefers PUMPS to boots I +tink--ha! ha!" + +"Captain indeed! a nice Captain," says Miss Crutty, snapping her +fingers in my face, and walking away: "a Captain who has had his +nose pulled! ha! ha!"--And how could I help it? it wasn't by my own +CHOICE that that ruffian Waters took such liberties with me. +Didn't I show how averse I was to all quarrels by refusing +altogether his challenge?--But such is the world. And thus the +people at Stiffelkind's used to tease me, until they drove me +almost mad. + +At last he came home one day more merry and abusive than ever. +"Gaptain," says he, "I have goot news for you--a goot place. Your +lordship vill not be able to geep your garridge, but you vill be +gomfortable, and serve his Majesty." + +"Serve his Majesty?" says I. "Dearest Mr. Stiffelkind, have you +got me a place under Government?" + +"Yes, and somting better still--not only a place, but a uniform: +yes, Gaptain Stobbs, a RED GOAT." + +"A red coat! I hope you don't think I would demean myself by +entering the ranks of the army? I am a gentleman, Mr. Stiffelkind-- +I can never--no, I never--" + +"No, I know you will never--you are too great a goward--ha! ha!-- +though dis is a red goat, and a place where you must give some HARD +KNOCKS too--ha! ha!--do you gomprehend?--and you shall be a general +instead of a gaptain--ha! ha!" + +"A general in a red coat, Mr. Stiffelkind?" + +"Yes, a GENERAL BOSTMAN!--ha! ha! I have been vid your old friend, +Bunting, and he has an uncle in the Post Office, and he has got you +de place--eighteen shillings a veek, you rogue, and your goat. You +must not oben any of de letters you know." + +And so it was--I, Robert Stubbs, Esquire, became the vile thing he +named--a general postman! + + . . . . . . + +I was so disgusted with Stiffelkind's brutal jokes, which were now +more brutal than ever, that when I got my place in the Post Office, +I never went near the fellow again: for though he had done me a +favor in keeping me from starvation, he certainly had done it in a +very rude, disagreeable manner, and showed a low and mean spirit in +SHOVING me into such a degraded place as that of postman. But what +had I to do? I submitted to fate, and for three years or more, +Robert Stubbs, of the North Bungay Fencibles, was-- + +I wonder nobody recognized me. I lived in daily fear the first +year: but afterwards grew accustomed to my situation, as all great +men will do, and wore my red coat as naturally as if I had been +sent into the world only for the purpose of being a letter-carrier. + +I was first in the Whitechapel district, where I stayed for nearly +three years, when I was transferred to Jermyn Street and Duke +Street--famous places for lodgings. I suppose I left a hundred +letters at a house in the latter street, where lived some people +who must have recognized me had they but once chanced to look at +me. + +You see that when I left Sloffemsquiggle, and set out in the gay +world, my mamma had written to me a dozen times at least; but I +never answered her, for I knew she wanted money, and I detest +writing. Well, she stopped her letters, finding she could get none +from me:--but when I was in the Fleet, as I told you, I wrote +repeatedly to my dear mamma, and was not a little nettled at her +refusing to notice me in my distress, which is the very time one +most wants notice. + +Stubbs is not an uncommon name; and though I saw MRS. STUBBS on a +little bright brass plate, in Duke street, and delivered so many +letters to the lodgers in her house, I never thought of asking who +she was, or whether she was my relation, or not. + +One day the young woman who took in the letters had not got change, +and she called her mistress. An old lady in a poke-bonnet came out +of the parlor, and put on her spectacles, and looked at the letter, +and fumbled in her pocket for eightpence, and apologized to the +postman for keeping him waiting. And when I said, "Never mind, +Ma'am, it's no trouble," the old lady gave a start, and then she +pulled off her spectacles, and staggered back; and then she began +muttering, as if about to choke; and then she gave a great screech, +and flung herself into my arms, and roared out, "MY SON, MY SON!" + +"Law, mamma," said I, "is that you?" and I sat down on the hall +bench with her, and let her kiss me as much as ever she liked. +Hearing the whining and crying, down comes another lady from up +stairs,--it was my sister Eliza; and down come the lodgers. And +the maid gets water and what not, and I was the regular hero of the +group. I could not stay long then, having my letters to deliver. +But, in the evening, after mail-time, I went back to my mamma and +sister; and, over a bottle of prime old port, and a precious good +leg of boiled mutton and turnips, made myself pretty comfortable, I +can tell you. + + +DECEMBER.--"THE WINTER OF OUR DISCONTENT." + + +Mamma had kept the house in Duke Street for more than two years. +I recollected some of the chairs and tables from dear old +Sloffemsquiggle, and the bowl in which I had made that famous rum- +punch, the evening she went away, which she and my sisters left +untouched, and I was obliged to drink after they were gone; but +that's not to the purpose. + +Think of my sister Lucy's luck! that chap, Waters, fell in love +with her, and married her; and she now keeps her carriage, and +lives in state near Sloffemsquiggle. I offered to make it up with +Waters; but he bears malice, and never will see or speak to me.--He +had the impudence, too, to say, that he took in all letters for +mamma at Sloffemsquiggle; and that as mine were all begging- +letters, he burned them, and never said a word to her concerning +them. He allowed mamma fifty pounds a year, and, if she were not +such a fool, she might have had three times as much; but the old +lady was high and mighty forsooth, and would not be beholden, even +to her own daughter, for more than she actually wanted. Even this +fifty pound she was going to refuse; but when I came to live with +her, of course I wanted pocket-money as well as board and lodging, +and so I had the fifty pounds for MY share, and eked out with it as +well as I could. + +Old Bates and the Captain, between them, gave mamma a hundred +pounds when she left me (she had the deuce's own luck, to be sure-- +much more than ever fell to ME, I know) and as she said she WOULD +try and work for her living, it was thought best to take a house +and let lodgings, which she did. Our first and second floor paid +us four guineas a week, on an average; and the front parlor and +attic made forty pounds more. Mamma and Eliza used to have the +front attic: but I took that, and they slept in the servants' +bedroom. Lizzy had a pretty genius for work, and earned a guinea a +week that way; so that we had got nearly two hundred a year over +the rent to keep house with,--and we got on pretty well. Besides, +women eat nothing: my women didn't care for meat for days together +sometimes,--so that it was only necessary to dress a good steak or +so for me. + +Mamma would not think of my continuing in the Post Office. She +said her dear Robert, her husband's son, her gallant soldier, and +all that, should remain at home and be a gentleman--which I was, +certainly, though I didn't find fifty pounds a year very much to +buy clothes and be a gentleman upon. To be sure, mother found me +shirts and linen, so that THAT wasn't in the fifty pounds. She +kicked a little at paying the washing too; but she gave in at last, +for I was her dear Bob, you know; and I'm blest if I could not make +her give me the gown off her back. Fancy! once she cut up a very +nice rich black silk scarf, which my sister Waters sent her, and +made me a waistcoat and two stocks of it. She was so VERY soft, +the old lady! + + . . . . . . + +I'd lived in this way for five years or more, making myself content +with my fifty pounds a year (PERHAPS I had saved a little out of +it; but that's neither here nor there). From year's end to year's +end I remained faithful to my dear mamma, never leaving her except +for a month or so in the summer--when a bachelor may take a trip to +Gravesend or Margate, which would be too expensive for a family. I +say a bachelor, for the fact is, I don't know whether I am married +or not--never having heard a word since of the scoundrelly Mrs. +Stubbs. + +I never went to the public-house before meals: for, with my +beggarly fifty pounds, I could not afford to dine away from home: +but there I had my regular seat, and used to come home PRETTY +GLORIOUS, I can tell you. Then bed till eleven; then breakfast and +the newspaper; then a stroll in Hyde Park or St. James's; then home +at half-past three to dinner--when I jollied, as I call it, for the +rest of the day. I was my mother's delight; and thus, with a clear +conscience, I managed to live on. + + . . . . . . + +How fond she was of me, to be sure! Being sociable myself, and +loving to have my friends about me, we often used to assemble a +company of as hearty fellows as you would wish to sit down with, +and keep the nights up royally. "Never mind, my boys," I used to +say. "Send the bottle round: mammy pays for all." As she did, +sure enough: and sure enough we punished her cellar too. The good +old lady used to wait upon us, as if for all the world she had been +my servant, instead of a lady and my mamma. Never used she to +repine, though I often, as I must confess, gave her occasion +(keeping her up till four o'clock in the morning, because she never +could sleep until she saw her "dear Bob" in bed, and leading her a +sad anxious life). She was of such a sweet temper, the old lady, +that I think in the course of five years I never knew her in a +passion, except twice: and then with sister Lizzy, who declared I +was ruining the house, and driving the lodgers away, one by one. +But mamma would not hear of such envious spite on my sister's part. +"Her Bob" was always right, she said. At last Lizzy fairly +retreated, and went to the Waters's.--I was glad of it, for her +temper was dreadful, and we used to be squabbling from morning till +night! + +Ah, those WERE jolly times! but Ma was obliged to give up the +lodging-house at last--for, somehow, things went wrong after my +sister's departure--the nasty uncharitable people said, on account +of ME; because I drove away the lodgers by smoking and drinking, +and kicking up noises in the house; and because Ma gave me so much +of her money:--so she did, but if she WOULD give it, you know, how +could I help it? Heigho! I wish I'd KEPT it. + +No such luck. The business I thought was to last for ever: but at +the end of two years came a smash--shut up shop--sell off +everything. Mamma went to the Waters's: and, will you believe it? +the ungrateful wretches would not receive me! that Mary, you see, +was SO disappointed at not marrying me. Twenty pounds a year they +allow, it is true; but what's that for a gentleman? For twenty +years I have been struggling manfully to gain an honest livelihood, +and, in the course of them, have seen a deal of life, to be sure. +I've sold cigars and pocket-handkerchiefs at the corners of +streets; I've been a billiard-marker; I've been a director (in the +panic year) of the Imperial British Consolidated Mangle and Drying +Ground Company. I've been on the stage (for two years as an actor, +and about a month as a cad, when I was very low); I've been the +means of giving to the police of this empire some very valuable +information (about licensed victuallers, gentlemen's carts, and +pawnbrokers' names); I've been very nearly an officer again--that +is, an assistant to an officer of the Sheriff of Middlesex: it was +my last place. + +On the last day of the year 1837, even THAT game was up. It's a +thing that very seldom happened to a gentleman, to be kicked out of +a spunging-house; but such was my case. Young Nabb (who succeeded +his father) drove me ignominiously from his door, because I had +charged a gentleman in the coffee-rooms seven-and-sixpence for a +glass of ale and bread and cheese, the charge of the house being +only six shillings. He had the meanness to deduct the eighteenpence +from my wages, and because I blustered a bit, he took me by the +shoulders and turned me out--me, a gentleman, and, what is more, a +poor orphan! + +How I did rage and swear at him when I got out into the street! +There stood he, the hideous Jew monster, at the double door, +writhing under the effect of my language. I had my revenge! Heads +were thrust out of every bar of his windows, laughing at him. A +crowd gathered round me, as I stood pounding him with my satire, +and they evidently enjoyed his discomfiture. I think the mob would +have pelted the ruffian to death (one or two of their missiles hit +ME, I can tell you), when a policeman came up, and in reply to a +gentleman, who was asking what was the disturbance, said, "Bless +you, sir, it's Lord Cornwallis." "Move on, BOOTS," said the fellow +to me; for the fact is, my misfortunes and early life are pretty +well known--and so the crowd dispersed. + +"What could have made that policeman call you Lord Cornwallis and +Boots?" said the gentleman, who seemed mightily amused, and had +followed me. "Sir," says I, "I am an unfortunate officer of the +North Bungay Fencibles, and I'll tell you willingly for a pint of +beer." He told me to follow him to his chambers in the Temple, +which I did (a five-pair back), and there, sure enough, I had the +beer; and told him this very story you've been reading. You see he +is what is called a literary man--and sold my adventures for me to +the booksellers; he's a strange chap; and says they're MORAL. + + . . . . . . + +I'm blest if I can see anything moral in them. I'm sure I ought to +have been more lucky through life, being so very wide awake. And +yet here I am, without a place, or even a friend, starving upon a +beggarly twenty pounds a year--not a single sixpence more, upon MY +HONOR. + + + + + +End of The Project Gutenberg Etext of The Fatal Boots, by Wm.Thackeray + diff --git a/old/fboot10.zip b/old/fboot10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6fcd220 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/fboot10.zip |