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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Dolly Reforming Herself, by Henry Arthur Jones
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Dolly Reforming Herself
+       A Comedy in Four Acts
+
+Author: Henry Arthur Jones
+
+Release Date: November 15, 2008 [EBook #27271]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK DOLLY REFORMING HERSELF ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Bryan Ness, Carla Foust and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This
+book was produced from scanned images of public domain
+material from the Google Print project.)
+
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber's note
+
+
+Minor punctuation errors have been changed without notice. A few
+printer errors have been changed, and are listed at the end. All other
+inconsistencies are as in the original. The author's spelling has been
+maintained.
+
+
+
+
+   THE PLAYS OF
+   HENRY ARTHUR JONES
+
+
+   DOLLY
+   REFORMING
+   HERSELF
+
+   A COMEDY IN FOUR ACTS
+
+   BY
+
+   HENRY ARTHUR JONES
+
+   AUTHOR OF
+
+   "THE LIARS," "MICHAEL AND HIS LOST ANGEL," "THE TEMPTER,"
+   "THE CRUSADERS," "JUDAH," "THE CASE OF REBELLIOUS
+   SUSAN," "THE DANCING GIRL," "THE MIDDLEMAN,"
+   "THE ROGUE'S COMEDY," "THE TRIUMPH OF THE
+   PHILISTINES," "THE MASQUERADERS," "THE
+   MANOEUVRES OF JANE," "CARNACSAHIB,"
+   "THE GOAL," "MRS. DANE'S DEFENCE,"
+   "THE LACKEY'S CARNIVAL," "THE
+   PRINCESS'S NOSE," ETC.
+
+
+   "Memnon conçut un jour le projet insensé d'être parfaitement sage. Il
+   n'y a guère d'hommes à qui cette folie n'ait quelquefois passé par la
+   tête." VOLTAIRE.
+
+
+   COPYRIGHT, 1910, BY HENRY ARTHUR JONES
+
+
+   PRICE 50 CENTS
+
+   NEW YORK               | LONDON.
+   SAMUEL FRENCH          | SAMUEL FRENCH, LTD.
+   PUBLISHER              | 26 SOUTHAMPTON ST,
+   28-30 WEST 38TH STREET | STRAND
+
+
+
+
+   DOLLY REFORMING
+   HERSELF
+
+   A COMEDY IN FOUR ACTS
+
+   BY
+
+   HENRY ARTHUR JONES
+
+   "Memnon conçut un jour le projet insensé d'être parfaitement sage. Il
+   n'y a guère d'hommes à qui cette folie n'ait quelquefois passé par la
+   tête." VOLTAIRE.
+
+   COPYRIGHT, 1910, BY HENRY ARTHUR JONES
+
+CAUTION--This play is fully protected under the copyright laws of the
+United States, is subject to royalty, and any one presenting the play
+without the consent of the author or his agents, will be liable to
+penalty under the law. All applications for amateur performances must be
+made to SAMUEL FRENCH, 28-30 West 38th Street, New York City.
+
+   _ALL RIGHTS RESERVED_
+
+   NEW YORK               | LONDON
+   SAMUEL FRENCH          | SAMUEL FRENCH, LTD.
+   PUBLISHER              | 26 SOUTHAMPTON STREET
+   28-30 WEST 38TH STREET | STRAND
+
+
+
+
+"The crescendo of quarrel is most skilfully and drolly arranged;--a
+scene on classic lines boldly challenging and, what is more, maintaining
+comparison with Sheridan." Mr. A. B. Walkley--The London Times.
+
+"This new play, by Mr. Henry Arthur Jones, at The Haymarket, is surely
+as good a comedy as he has ever written.
+
+I should say, in evaluating Mr. Jones, that his greatest asset is his
+humor. We are grateful that Mr. Jones has that comfortable gift which
+prevents him from dancing on us--that gift of humor whereby he is
+content to take us just as we are.
+
+No playwright is more joyously observant than Mr. Jones; and none
+observes more accurately, in the milieu that he has chosen. Other
+playwrights may create more salient and memorable figures. But none of
+them creates figures so lifelike as Mr. Jones.
+
+Nor is any one of them so fine a craftsman. We are not made conscious of
+it while the play is in progress. From the very outset, we are aware
+merely of certain ladies and gentlemen behaving with apparent freedom
+and naturalness. It is only when the play is over that we notice the art
+of it. The verisimilitude of "Dolly Reforming Herself" is all the more
+admirable because the play is founded on a philosophic question, and in
+the whole course of it there is not a scene, not a character (not even
+the butler's character), that is not strictly and logically relevant to
+this question. The whole fabric is wrought in a tight and formal
+pattern, yet the effect of it is as life itself. The question in point
+is "Can we cure ourselves of our bad habits?" and the answer is worked
+not through a story, but simply through the behavior of a few people in
+a country-house.
+
+The central scene of the play, however, is the scene between Dolly and
+her husband. The whole scene is delightful, worked out with the finest
+sense of dramatic rhythm: a truly great comic scene, of which Mr. Jones
+may well be proud."
+
+Mr. Max Beerbohm--The Saturday Review.
+
+
+
+
+TO MISS ETHEL IRVING
+
+
+My Dear Miss Irving,
+
+Will you accept the dedication of this little comedy, whose success at
+the Haymarket was so largely due to your fine and sincere performance of
+Dolly?
+
+                                          Faithfully yours
+
+                                                     Henry Arthur Jones.
+
+
+
+
+The following is a copy of the original cast of "Dolly Reforming
+Herself" produced at the Haymarket Theatre, on Tuesday, November 3rd.,
+1908.
+
+CAST.
+
+_Harry Telfer_ (Dolly's Husband) MR. ROBERT LORAINE
+_Matthew Barron_ (Dolly's Father) MR. C. M. LOWNE
+_Captain Lucas Wentworth_ (Dolly's Cousin) MR. CHARLES R. MAUDE
+_Professor Sturgess_ MR. E. LYALL SWETE
+_The Rev. James Pilcher_ (Vicar of Crookbury) MR. HERBERT BUNSTON
+_Criddle_ MR. GILBERT PORTEOUS
+_Mrs. Harry Telfer_ (Dolly) MISS ETHEL IRVING
+_Mrs. Sturgess_ (Renie) MISS MARGARET HALSTAN
+_Peters_ (Dolly's Maid) MISS ADA WEBSTER
+
+
+
+
+PERSONS REPRESENTED.
+
+
+HARRY TELFER (Dolly's husband).
+MATTHEW BARRON (Dolly's father).
+CAPTAIN LUCAS WENTWORTH (Dolly's cousin).
+PROFESSOR STURGESS.
+THE REVEREND JAMES PILCHER (Vicar of Crookbury.)
+CRIDDLE.
+
+MRS. HARRY TELFER (Dolly).
+MRS. STURGESS (Renie).
+PETERS (Dolly's maid).
+
+
+ACT I.
+
+SCENE.--THE DRAWING-ROOM AT HARRY TELFER'S, THE GABLES, CROOKBURY GREEN,
+SURREY.
+
+_Time_--THE AFTERNOON OF 1ST JANUARY, 1907.
+
+
+ACT II.
+
+SCENE.--THE SAME.
+
+_Time_--AFTER DINNER ON THE SAME DAY.
+
+
+ACT III.
+
+SCENE.--THE SAME.
+
+_Time_--LATER ON THE SAME NIGHT.
+
+
+ACT IV.
+
+SCENE.--THE SAME.
+
+_Time_--THE AFTERNOON OF 1ST JANUARY, 1908.
+
+
+
+
+Dolly Reforming Herself
+
+
+
+
+ACT I.
+
+
+SCENE: _Drawing-room at_ HARRY TELFER'S, _The Gables, Crookbury Green,
+Surrey. A well-furnished room in a modern red brick country house. At
+the back, a little to the right, is a door leading into the hall. All
+along the right side is a glass partition, showing a conservatory which
+is entered by glass doors, one up stage, the other down. On the left
+side is a large fireplace. At the back, in the centre, is a handsome
+writing-desk with a shut down flap lid. Above the fireplace, facing the
+audience is a large sofa. To the right of sofa, and below it in the left
+centre of the room is a small table, and near to it an easy chair. Right
+centre down stage is a larger table._
+
+TIME: _The afternoon of_ 1ST _January_, 1907.
+
+_Discover at writing-table, back to audience_, DOLLY TELFER, _a bright
+little woman about thirty, busied with bills and papers. Bending over
+her, back to audience, is her father_, MATT BARRON, _a pleasant-looking,
+easy-going cynic of sixty._ HARRY TELFER, DOLLY'S _husband, an ordinary
+good-natured, weakish, impulsive Englishman about thirty-five, is
+standing with his back to the fire. Sitting on sofa, reading a
+scientific book, is_ PROFESSOR STURGESS, _a hard, dry, narrow, fattish
+scientific man about forty-five. At the table, right, reading a French
+novel, is_ RENIE STURGESS, _the Professor's wife, a tall, dark, handsome
+woman about thirty_.
+
+
+_Harry_. No, I can't say that I pay very much attention to sermons as a
+rule, but Pilcher gave us a regular downright, no-mistake-about-it,
+rouser at the Watch-night Service last night.
+
+_Matt_. [_Turning round_.] I wonder what precise difference this rousing
+sermon will make in the conduct of any person who heard it.
+
+_Harry_. Well, it's going to make a lot of difference in my conduct. At
+least, I won't say a lot of difference, because I don't call myself a
+very bad sort of fellow, do you?
+
+_Matt_. N-o--No----
+
+_Harry_. At any rate I'm a thundering good husband, ain't I, Dolly?
+[DOLLY _takes no notice_.] And I've got no flagrant vices. But I've got
+a heap of--well a heap of selfish little habits, such as temper, and so
+on, and for the coming year I'm going to knock them all off.
+
+_Matt_. That will be a score for Pilcher--that is, if you do knock them
+off.
+
+_Harry_. Oh, I'm thoroughly resolved! I promised Dolly last night,
+didn't I, Dolly? [DOLLY _takes no notice_.] Dolly too! Dolly was awfully
+impressed by the sermon, weren't you, Dolly?
+
+_Matt_. [_Looking round at_ DOLLY'S _back_.] Dolly was awfully
+impressed?
+
+_Harry_. Yes. Before we went to bed she gave me her word, that if I'd
+give her a little help, she'd pay off all her bills, and live within her
+allowance for the future, didn't you, Dolly?
+
+_Matt_. Well, that will be another score for Pilcher--that is, if Dolly
+does live within her allowance.
+
+_Harry._ Oh, Dolly means it this time, don't you Dolly?
+
+_Dolly._ [_Turns round on her stool, bills in hand._] I think it's
+disgraceful!
+
+_Matt._ What?
+
+_Dolly._ These tradespeople! [_Comes down to_ MATT.] I'm almost sure
+I've paid this bill once--if not twice. Then there's a mistake of thirty
+shillings in the addition--you're good at figures, Dad. Do add that up
+for me. My head is so muddled.
+
+     [_Giving the bill to_ MATT.
+
+_Harry._ Aren't you glad, Doll, that you made that resolution not to
+have any more bills?
+
+_Dolly._ It will be heavenly! To go about all day with the blessed
+thought that I don't owe a farthing to anybody. It's awful!
+
+     [_Crunching a bill in her hand, and throwing it on to
+     writing-table._
+
+_Harry._ Cheer up, little woman! You don't owe such a very alarming
+amount, do you?
+
+_Dolly._ Oh no! Oh _no_! And if you'll only help me as you promised----
+
+_Harry._ We'll go thoroughly into it by-and-by. In fact I did mean to
+give you a pleasant little Christmas surprise, and pay off all your
+debts.
+
+_Dolly._ Oh, you angel! But why didn't you do it?
+
+_Harry._ I've done it so often! You remember the last time?
+
+_Dolly._ [_Making a wry face._] Yes, I remember the last time.
+
+_Harry._ And here we are again!
+
+_Dolly._ Oh, don't talk like a clown!
+
+_Harry._ But, my dear Dolly, here we are again.
+
+_Dolly._ Well, I haven't got the money sense! I simply haven't got it! I
+was born without it!
+
+_Matt._ [_Hands her the bill._] The addition is quite correct.
+
+_Dolly._ [_Taking the bill._] You're sure? Then I'm convinced I've paid
+it! [_Looking at bill._] Yes! Thirty-four, seven, six. Professor
+Sturgess----
+
+_Prof._ [_Looks up from his book_] Yes?
+
+_Dolly._ You understand all about psychology and the way our brains
+work.
+
+_Prof._ I've given my entire life to their study, but I cannot claim
+that I understand them.
+
+_Dolly._ But wouldn't you say----
+
+_Prof._ What?
+
+_Dolly._ I'm morally certain I've paid this bill.
+
+_Matt._ Have you got the receipt?
+
+_Dolly._ No! I must have mislaid it.
+
+_Matt._ When, and where did you pay it?
+
+_Dolly._ I cannot recall the exact circumstances. And now----
+
+_Matt._ And now----?
+
+_Dolly._ Fulks and Garner have sent me a most impertinent note
+requesting immediate payment.
+
+_Prof._ What is the particular brain process that you wish me to
+explain?
+
+_Dolly._ How do you account for my having the most vivid impression that
+I've paid it--so vivid that I cannot shake it off?
+
+_Prof._ Well--a----
+
+_Matt._ Isn't it an instance of that obscure operation of the feminine
+mind whereby the merest wish becomes an accomplished fact?
+
+_Dolly._ My dear Dad, I actually remember the exact amount: thirty-four,
+seven, six. Thirty-four, seven, six. I shall never enter Fulks and
+Garnet's shop again!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     _Enter_ CRIDDLE. [_Announces_.] Captain Wentworth!
+
+     _Enter_ CAPTAIN LUCAS WENTWORTH, _a good-looking smart young army
+     man about thirty. He is in riding-clothes. Exit_ CRIDDLE. _At_
+     CAPTAIN WENTWORTH'S _entrance_ RENIE _shows keen interest, throws
+     him a secret glance as he goes to shake hands with_ DOLLY.
+
+_Dolly._ Ah, Lu! What, over again! Happy New Year once more!
+
+_Lucas._ Same to you. [_Shaking hands._] Happy New Year, everybody! Good
+afternoon, Harry!
+
+     [_Nodding to_ HARRY.
+
+_Harry._ Ditto, Lu.
+
+_Lucas._ Ah, Uncle Matt! Happy New Year!
+
+     [_Shaking hands._
+
+_Matt._ Happy New Year, Lucas!
+
+_Lucas._ Good afternoon, Mrs. Sturgess.
+
+     [_Shaking hands with_ RENIE.
+
+_Renie._ Good afternoon.
+
+_Lucas._ None the worse for your outing last night, I hope?
+
+_Renie._ Oh no, I'm sure Mr. Pilcher's sermon ought to make us all very
+much better.
+
+_Dolly._ May I introduce you to Professor Sturgess--my cousin Captain
+Wentworth.
+
+_Lucas._ How d'ye do?
+
+_Prof._ How d'ye do?
+
+_Matt._ So you came over to the Watch-night Service, I hear?
+
+_Lucas._ Yes! I'd nothing much better to do, and Dolly was cracking up
+this new parson of yours, so I thought I'd jog over and sample him.
+
+_Matt._ A dozen miles over here at midnight; an hour's service in a cold
+church; and a dozen miles back to Aldershot, in the sleet and snow. I
+hope the sermon thoroughly braced you up!
+
+_Lucas._ It did. It made me feel just as good as I knew how to be.
+
+_Matt._ Here's another score for Pilcher!
+
+_Dolly._ Dad, I think it's shocking bad taste of you to keep on sneering
+at Mr. Pilcher!
+
+_Matt._ I'm not sneering. I'm only curious to follow up this wonderful
+sermon, and trace its results on all of you.
+
+_Dolly._ Well, you can see its results. [LUCAS _has got near to_ RENIE,
+_stands with his back to her, takes out a letter from his coat-tail
+pocket, holds it out for her to take. She takes it, pops it in her
+novel, and goes on reading. He moves away from her._] Take only our own
+family. Harry and I both have turned over a new leaf. Renie, you said
+Mr. Pilcher had set you thinking deeply----
+
+_Renie._ Yes, dear, very deeply.
+
+_Dolly._ Lu, you said the sermon had done you a lot of good.
+
+_Lucas._ Heaps! I won't say I'm going to set up for a saint straight
+off, because--well--I'm not so sure I could bring it off, even if I
+tried----
+
+_Matt._ That's what holds me back, my wretched nervous fear that I
+shouldn't bring it off. Still, in justice to Pilcher, I hope you're not
+going to let his sermon be wasted.
+
+_Lucas._ Oh, no! My first spare five minutes I'm going to brisk about,
+and do a bit of New Year's tidying up.
+
+     [_He is standing over_ RENIE, _who has opened his letter in her
+     novel; he again exchanges a secret look of understanding with her,
+     and makes a sign to her to go into the conservatory._
+
+     _Enter_ CRIDDLE.
+
+_Criddle._ [_Announcing._] Mr. Pilcher!
+
+     _Enter the_ REVEREND JAMES PILCHER, _a big, strong, bright, genial,
+     manly, hearty English parson about forty. Exit_ CRIDDLE.
+
+_Dolly._ How d'ye do?      [_Shaking hands._
+
+_Pilcher._ How d'ye do? Happy New Year, once more! Happy New Year, Mr.
+Barron!
+
+_Matt._ [_Shaking hands._] A happy New Year.
+
+_Pilcher._ How do again, Telfer?
+
+_Harry._ How are you?
+
+_Pilcher._ Good morning, Mrs. Sturgess.
+
+_Renie._ Good morning.
+
+     [_At_ PILCHER'S _entrance she has hidden her French novel behind
+     her in the chair. In shaking hands with_ PILCHER _it drops on to
+     the floor and_ LUCAS'S _letter drops out._ LUCAS _goes to pick it
+     up,_ MR. PILCHER _is before him, picks up the novel and letter and
+     hands them to_ RENIE. _In taking them she shows some confusion._
+
+_Pilcher._ [_Genially._] Improving the New Year by getting a thorough
+knowledge of Parisian life and manners, I see.
+
+_Renie._ [_Confused._] No!--I had begun the book a week ago and so I
+thought--a--I'd better finish it.
+
+_Lucas._ Good morning, Mr. Pilcher.
+
+_Pilcher._ [_Shaking hands._] Good morning.
+
+_Lucas._ Rattling good sermon you gave us last night.
+
+_Pilcher._ I'm glad you thought it worth coming so far to hear.
+
+_Lucas._ Not at all. Jolly well worth coming for, eh, Mrs. Sturgess?
+
+     [_With a sly little look and shake of the head at_ RENIE.
+
+_Renie._ I thoroughly enjoyed it!
+
+_Pilcher._ [_A little surprised._] Enjoyed it! Now I meant to make you
+all very uncomfortable!
+
+_Dolly._ Oh, you gave us a good shaking up, and we deserved it! I don't
+think you've met Professor Sturgess?
+
+_Pilcher._ [_Advancing to_ PROFESSOR.] No, but I've read his book, "Man,
+the Automaton."
+
+_Prof._ [_Bowing._] Not with disapproval, I trust?
+
+_Pilcher._ [_Shaking hands very cordially._] With the most profound
+disapproval, with boundless, uncompromising dissent and antagonism!
+
+_Prof._ I'm sorry!
+
+_Pilcher._ Why, you deny that man has any vestige of free will.
+
+_Prof._ Certainly. The longer I live, the more I'm convinced that free
+will is a purely subjective illusion.
+
+_Dolly._ Do you mean that when I will to do a certain thing I can't do
+it? Oh, that's absurd. For instance, I will to go and touch that chair!
+[_She goes and touches it._] There! [_Triumphantly._] I've done it! That
+shows I've got free will. [_The_ PROFESSOR _shakes his head._] Well,
+then how did I do it?
+
+_Prof._ I affirm that your willing to touch that chair or not to touch
+it, your actual touching it, or not touching it; your possession or
+non-possession of a criminal impulse----
+
+_Dolly._ I haven't any criminal impulses----
+
+_Prof._ [_Shakes his head and goes on._] Your yielding to that criminal
+impulse or your not yielding to it--all these states of consciousness
+are entirely dependent upon the condition, quantity and arrangement of
+certain atoms in the gray matter of your brain. You think, you will, you
+act according as that gray matter works. You did not cause or make that
+condition of the atoms of your gray matter, therefore you are not
+responsible for thinking or acting in this way or that, seeing that
+your thoughts, and your actions, and that direction of your impulses
+which you call your will, are all precisely determined and regulated by
+the condition and arrangement of these minute atoms of your gray matter!
+
+_Dolly._ [_Has at first listened with great attention, but has grown
+bewildered as the_ PROFESSOR _goes on._] I don't care anything about my
+gray matter! I've quite made up my mind I won't have any more bills!
+
+_Pilcher._ [_Turning to_ RENIE.] Does Mrs. Sturgess agree with the
+Professor's doctrine?
+
+_Renie._ No, indeed! To say that we're mere machines--it's horrid.
+
+_Prof._ The question is not whether it's horrid, but whether it's true.
+
+_Pilcher._ What do you think, Mr. Barron?
+
+_Matt._ It's a very nutty and knotty problem. I'm watching to see Dolly
+and Harry solve it!
+
+_Dolly._ See us solve it! How?
+
+_Matt._ You and Harry heard a most thrilling, soul-stirring sermon last
+night.
+
+_Pilcher._ You had good hearsay accounts of my sermon?
+
+_Matt._ Excellent! I should have heard it myself, but I've reached an
+age when it would be dangerous to give up any of my old and cherished
+bad habits. So in place of going to church and selfishly reforming
+myself, I shall have to be content with watching Dolly and Harry reform
+themselves.
+
+_Dolly._ Don't take any notice of him, Mr. Pilcher, he's the most
+cynical, hardened reprobate! I have to blush for him a hundred times a
+day.
+
+     [RENIE _strolls casually into conservatory by lower door._ LUCAS
+     _casually follows her._
+
+_Matt._ And in order to settle once and for all this vexed question of
+free will and moral responsibility, I'll bet you, Harry, a simple
+fiver, and I'll bet you Dolly, a new Parisian hat, and half a dozen
+pairs of gloves that you won't live up to your good resolutions, and
+that on next New Year's Day you'll neither of you be one ha'penny the
+better for all the wise counsels Mr. Pilcher gave you last night.
+
+_Harry._ A fiver! Done!
+
+_Dolly._ I'll take you, too! In fact, I'll double it; two new Parisian
+hats, and a dozen pairs of gloves!
+
+_Matt._ Done, my dear!
+
+_Pilcher._ I hope I sha'n't be accused of talking shop if I venture to
+recall that betting was one of the bad habits I especially warned my
+congregation against, last night!
+
+_Harry._ By Jove, yes--I'd forgotten all about that! Of course, if you
+wish us to cry off----
+
+_Pilcher._ Well, not exactly. I might perhaps suggest an alternative
+plan which was tried with great success in my late parish----
+
+_Dolly._ What was that?
+
+_Pilcher._ A very capital good fellow--an auctioneer and land surveyor,
+my churchwarden in fact, by name Jobling--found that in spite of
+constant good resolutions, certain small vices were gradually creeping
+upon him. There was an occasional outburst of temper to his clerks, an
+occasional half glass too much; and on one lamentable market day, he
+actually discovered himself using bad language to Mrs. Jobling----
+
+_Dolly._ [_Looking at_ HARRY.] Oh! Ah!
+
+_Matt._ Jobling's gray matter can't have been in good working order.
+
+_Pilcher._ We corrected that! We got his gray matter under control.
+
+_Dolly._ How?
+
+_Pilcher._ My Christmas Blanket Club happened to be on the road to
+bankruptcy. By the way, our Blanket Club here is in low water. Well, I
+gave Jobling a small box with a hole at the top sufficiently large to
+admit half a crown. And I suggested that whenever he was betrayed into
+one of these little slips, he should fine himself for the benefit of my
+Blanket Club----
+
+_Harry._ Good business! Dolly, where's that collecting-box they sent us
+from the Hospital for Incurables?
+
+_Dolly._ In the cupboard in the next room.
+
+_Harry._ Right-o! No time like the present!      [_Exit._]
+
+_Matt._ And how did you get out of this dilemma?
+
+_Pilcher._ Dilemma?
+
+_Matt._ Did your Blanket Club remain in bankruptcy, or what must have
+been an even more distressing alternative to you, did Jobling continue
+to use bad language to his wife?
+
+_Pilcher._ We struck a happy medium. My Blanket Club balance was
+considerably augmented, and Jobling's behaviour considerably improved
+under the stress of the fines.
+
+     _Re-enter_ HARRY _with an old, dusty collecting-box on which is
+     printed in large letters, "County Hospital for Incurables."_
+
+_Harry._ [_Placing the box on the table._] There! My name's Jobling for
+the present! By Jove! that was a very neat idea of yours.
+
+_Pilcher._ Ah, by the way, I didn't give you Jobling's tariff----
+
+_Harry._ Tariff?
+
+_Pilcher._ Jobling's tariff for a mild little profanity like "By Jove,"
+was a mere sixpence.
+
+_Harry._ Oh!      [_Feels in his pocket._
+
+_Pilcher._ Of course you needn't adopt Jobling's scale.
+
+_Harry._ Oh yes! I'll toe the mark! [_Takes six pence out of his pocket
+and puts it in his box._] I'm determined I'll cure myself of all these
+bad little tricks----
+
+_Matt._ [_To_ DOLLY, _pointing to the money-box._] Are you going to
+contribute?
+
+_Dolly._ [_Snappishly._] Perhaps, when I've paid off my bills.
+
+_Matt._ [_To_ PILCHER.] Will you kindly let my daughter have your lowest
+tariff for ladies?
+
+_Dolly._ Oh, please don't be in such a hurry. What about your own
+contribution? Mr. Pilcher, I hope you don't intend to let my father
+escape.
+
+_Pilcher._ I understood Mr. Barron was prepared to risk a five-pound
+note that you and Mr. Telfer will not carry your New Year resolutions
+into practice?
+
+_Matt._ With the almost certain chance of drawing a five-pound note from
+Harry and a new hat from Dolly.
+
+_Pilcher._ I'm afraid I can't hold out those inducements. But I can
+offer you the very pleasing alternatives of chuckling over your
+daughter's and Mr. Telfer's lapses, or of contributing five pounds to an
+excellent charity!
+
+_Matt._ H'm! Well I'll do my best to oblige you, Mr. Pilcher! Let me
+see!
+
+     [_Looking round, his eye falls on_ RENIE _and_ LUCAS _who, at the
+     beginning of the above conversation have gone into conservatory at
+     lower door, and now come out again at upper door. She has a
+     hot-house flower in her hand, and they are eagerly absorbed in
+     their conversation. The_ PROFESSOR _talking to_ HARRY _and not
+     noticing._
+
+_Renie._ [_Becoming aware that_ MATT _is watching them._] Yes, that
+arrangement of the stamens is quite unusual. It's what the gardener
+calls a "sport"----
+
+_Lucas._ [_Examining the flower._] Jolly good sport, too!
+
+_Matt._ I'm not sure that we haven't even better sport here----
+
+_Renie._ [_Coming to him._] Sport? What sport? can we join?
+
+_Matt._ That's just what I was going to propose. There are four of you
+here, who heard Mr. Pilcher's excellent discourse last night. And you
+are all determined to turn over a new leaf this year. Isn't that so?
+
+_Dolly._ Yes!
+
+_Harry._ I know I am.
+
+_Matt._ Mrs. Sturgess?
+
+_Renie._ Yes, indeed!
+
+_Matt._ Lucas, you?
+
+_Lucas._ Yes, Uncle.
+
+_Matt._ On the first of January next, I am prepared to put a sovereign
+in that money-box for every one of you who can honestly declare that he
+has broken himself or herself of his bad habits during the year.
+
+_Lucas._ I say, not all our bad habits?
+
+_Matt._ H'm. I don't wish to be exacting--I've no doubt each of you has
+his own little failing or weakness. Well, come to me and say on your
+honour that you've conquered this or that pet special weakness--and in
+goes my sovereign.
+
+_Lucas._ You don't really mean it?
+
+_Matt._ Indeed I do. I hope you won't stand out and--spoil sport, eh?
+
+_Lucas._ Oh, I don't mind coming in--just for the lark of the thing.
+
+_Matt._ Then you all agree?
+
+_Dolly._ Oh yes.
+
+_Harry._ Certainly.
+
+_Matt._ Mrs. Sturgess?
+
+_Renie._ We don't know where we may be next Christmas.
+
+_Dolly._ You'll be here with us. I invite you on the spot. You accept?
+
+_Renie._ Yes, delighted, if my husband----
+
+_Prof._ Very pleased.
+
+_Matt._ Well, Mr. Pilcher, I think I've made your Blanket Club a very
+handsome offer.
+
+_Pilcher._ Very handsome. [_Taking out watch._] I hope our friends will
+cordially respond, for the sake of my Blanket Club.
+
+_Dolly._ You'll stay for a cup of tea?
+
+_Pilcher._ I've heaps of New Year's calls to make. I'm afraid I must be
+going; good afternoon, Professor!
+
+_Prof._ Good afternoon.
+
+_Pilcher._ Good afternoon, Telfer.
+
+_Harry._ Good afternoon.
+
+_Pilcher._ Good-bye, Mrs. Sturgess.
+
+_Renie._ Good-bye. So many thanks for your eloquent sermon.
+
+     [_Shaking hands._
+
+_Pitcher._ Now, was I eloquent? I suppose I was, since I've produced
+such an invigorating New Year atmosphere.
+
+     [RENIE _moves her French novel._
+
+_Matt._ And brought Lucas over from Aldershot in the snow!
+
+_Lucas._ Rather! I shall come again next year.
+
+     [_Shaking hands._
+
+_Pilcher._ Do. And then we shall be able to estimate the effect of my
+eloquence.
+
+_Matt._ [_Tapping the money-box._] We shall!
+
+_Pilcher._ Good-bye, Mrs. Telfer.
+
+_Dolly._ Good-bye. [_Rings bell._
+
+_Pilcher._ Good-bye, Mr. Barron.
+
+_Matt._ Good-bye.
+
+_Pilcher._ You might be inclined to risk a sovereign on yourself for the
+Blanket Club?
+
+_Matt._ I daren't. I can't trust my gray matter--I should make a
+dreadful fiasco.
+
+     [CRIDDLE _appears at door._
+
+_Pilcher._ Mrs. Telfer, I leave him in your hands.
+
+     [_Exit_ PILCHER. CRIDDLE _closes the door after him._
+
+_Matt._ Dolly, I don't mind having that new Parisian hat on with you.
+
+_Dolly._ Done! I don't mind how much I punish you.
+
+_Prof._ [_Taking out his watch._] Half past three, my dear.
+
+_Renie._ I don't think I'll go out this afternoon.
+
+_Prof._ Oh, you'd better take your little constitutional. You missed it
+yesterday. I'm sure your restlessness is due to your not taking regular
+exercise.
+
+_Renie._ Which way are you going?      [_Yawning._
+
+_Prof._ My usual round, up to the White House and back by the fish-pond.
+
+_Renie._ Perhaps I'll join you at the fish-pond.
+
+_Prof._ [_To_ MATT.] Nothing like living by rule and measure.
+
+_Matt._ I shouldn't wonder. I've never tried it.
+
+_Prof._ I ascribe my constant good health and contentment to my
+unvarying routine of work and diet and exercise.      [_Exit._
+
+_Matt._ Then where do my constant good health and contentment come from?
+
+_Lucas._ Dolly, I left my evening kit here. Could you put me up for the
+night?
+
+_Dolly._ Delighted! You'll make up our rubber.
+
+_Lucas._ Right!
+
+_Matt._ Not going to ride back to Aldershot again to-night?
+
+_Lucas._ Not to-night, thank you.
+
+_Matt._ Just a shade too bracing, eh?
+
+_Lucas._ Just a shade! Dolly, I haven't seen your new fish-pond. Is
+anybody going to meet the Professor?
+
+     [_Glancing at_ RENIE.
+
+_Matt._ I am. [_Linking his arm in_ LUCAS'S.] We'll get into an
+unvarying routine of exercise for the next hour. Come along!
+
+     [_Takes_ LUCAS _off as he is exchanging a look with_ RENIE. RENIE
+     _makes to follow them, stops at door, turns back a little, stops,
+     takes out_ LUCAS'S _letter from her French novel, goes to fire and
+     reads it. Meanwhile the following scene takes place between_ DOLLY
+     _and_ HARRY.
+
+_Harry._ [_To_ DOLLY.] Now, Dolly, we can go through your bills.
+
+     [_Going to her writing-desk._
+
+_Dolly._ Yes. Hadn't I better sort them out first?
+
+_Harry._ [_Taking up bills._] Oh, I'll help you sort them out----
+
+_Dolly._ Take care! You'll muddle all my papers. [_Taking bills out of
+his hands, and closing down the writing-desk._] I want to have a little
+talk with Renie--you'd better join them at the fish-pond.
+
+_Harry._ Well, so long as you do get them sorted, and squared up. What
+about after tea?
+
+_Dolly._ All right. After tea.
+
+_Harry._ After tea. We'll have a nice cosy half-hour, all to ourselves,
+and sweep them all out of our minds.
+
+     [_With a gesture._
+
+_Dolly._ [_Nods cheerfully._] Yes, a nice cosy half-hour and sweep them
+all out of our minds. [_With his gesture. Exit_ HARRY _briskly. She
+repeats his gesture._] Sweep them all out of our minds. [_Opening desk
+and regarding bills with dismay._] Oh, don't I wish I could! Oh, Renie!
+
+     [RENIE _is busy with her letter at the fire._
+
+_Renie._ [_Puts letter into pocket._] What is it?
+
+_Dolly._ [_Has taken up one or two bills._] These bills! These awful
+bills! These vampires!
+
+_Renie._ Yes, dear! I suppose it's rather dreadful, but it must be sweet
+to have a dear, kind husband who'll pay them all off.
+
+_Dolly._ Harry? He made a dreadful fuss last time. And then I didn't
+show him all.
+
+_Renie._ Well, dear, after all, it's only bills----
+
+_Dolly._ Only bills! Only? Well, I'm going to show him every one this
+time. And what a lesson it shall be to me! That's why I'm so grateful to
+Mr. Pilcher.
+
+_Renie._ Why?
+
+_Dolly._ Yesterday afternoon I thought I'd screw up my courage to go
+through the bills just to see where I was. My dear, I was paralysed! I
+had the most appalling time! Well, Mr. Pilcher's sermon came just in the
+nick of time. I thought "what an idiot I must be to endure all this
+misery just for want of a little resolution."
+
+_Renie._ Mr. Pilcher's sermon came just in the nick of time for me too.
+
+_Dolly._ Did it?
+
+_Renie._ I had an awful afternoon yesterday!
+
+_Dolly._ You?! You haven't any bills?
+
+_Renie._ No! [_Sighs._] I almost wish I had.
+
+_Dolly._ Wish you had?!
+
+_Renie._ I almost envy you the delicious experience of having to
+confess----
+
+_Dolly._ Yes dear, you always were fond of scenes, but I'm not!
+
+_Renie._ And then the heavenly feeling of being forgiven, and taken in
+the arms of the man you love!
+
+_Dolly._ Yes, that part of it is all right. It's what comes before----
+
+     [_With a little shudder._
+
+_Renie._ After all, your husband isn't a machine. He is a human being!
+
+_Dolly._ Oh, Harry's a perfect dear in most things, but he has got a
+temper!
+
+_Renie._ My husband never even swears at me! Oh, Dolly, you are lucky!
+
+_Dolly._ Hum!
+
+_Renie._ Oh, Dolly----      [_Sighs and goes away._
+
+_Dolly._ Is anything the matter?
+
+_Renie._ No dear. Nothing, except--oh, life is so hard! so hard!
+
+_Dolly._ Renie, if you're in trouble----
+
+_Renie._ Thank you, dear. I knew you'd help me.
+
+_Dolly._ Yes, so long as it isn't money. And even then I'd help you,
+only I can't.
+
+_Renie._ It isn't money.
+
+_Dolly._ Then what is it?
+
+_Renie._ [_Looking at_ DOLLY _curiously._] I wonder if you would
+understand.
+
+_Dolly._ I'll do my best.
+
+_Renie._ It's such a strange story. [_Moving away,_ DOLLY _makes a
+little dubious grimace behind her back._ RENIE _suddenly comes up to_
+DOLLY _very effusively._] Dolly, I will trust you. You know I thoroughly
+admire and honour my husband.
+
+_Dolly._ [_A little startled._] Ye-es.
+
+_Renie._ You know that nothing could ever induce me to wrong him for a
+moment?
+
+_Dolly._ No----
+
+_Renie._ Nothing could be further from my thoughts.
+
+_Dolly._ No--but is there anybody--Renie, who is it?
+
+_Renie._ Give me your sacred promise you'll never breathe a word to any
+living soul?
+
+_Dolly._ Not a word--who is it?
+
+_Renie._ Not even to your husband?
+
+_Dolly._ Not even to my husband.
+
+_Renie._ Nor to him?
+
+_Dolly._ Him? No, of course not. Who is it?
+
+_Renie._ Well, dear, you know what my life has been. Few women have met
+with so little real sympathy as I. Few women have suffered----
+
+_Dolly._ No, dear. Who is it? Do I know him?
+
+_Renie._ Your cousin Lucas has a deep and sincere admiration for me.
+
+_Dolly._ Lu!? Lu!? Of course! I might have known he'd never ride a dozen
+miles in the snow for a sermon! It's disgraceful of him!
+
+_Renie._ No, dear, he's not to blame. We are neither of us to blame.
+
+_Dolly._ [_Contemptuously._] Oh! Why you haven't known him a month, have
+you?
+
+_Renie._ I met him for the first time in this room three weeks ago last
+Thursday afternoon.
+
+_Dolly._ It's a great pity the Professor didn't come down with you.
+
+_Renie._ That would have made no difference. It had to be!
+
+_Dolly._ What had to be? Renie, how far has this gone? You've been
+meeting him alone----
+
+_Renie._ Once or twice.
+
+_Dolly._ You've slipped away every afternoon this week.
+
+_Renie._ However often I may have met him, he has offered me nothing but
+the most chivalrous attention. He has always respected me----
+
+_Dolly._ Well then, he mustn't respect you any more. It must be stopped.
+
+_Renie._ Dolly, I didn't expect you to take up this attitude.
+
+_Dolly._ You don't suppose I'm going to have this sort of thing in my
+own house, do you?
+
+_Renie._ What sort of thing?
+
+_Dolly._ Do you remember the awful row I got into at school when your
+boy's love letter was discovered in the Banbury cakes you'd persuaded me
+to take in for you?
+
+_Renie._ But you received Banbury cakes of your own!
+
+_Dolly._ Not since I've been married. Of course before your marriage
+your outrageous flirting didn't much matter----
+
+_Renie._ Outrageous flirting?--If I seemed to flirt----
+
+_Dolly._ Seemed?!
+
+_Renie._ It was only in the vain hope of meeting with one who could
+offer me the perfect homage that I have always felt would one day be
+mine.
+
+_Dolly._ Well, he mustn't offer it here! I shall tell him so very
+plainly. He'd better not stay to dinner.
+
+_Renie._ There is no reason Captain Wentworth should not stay to dinner.
+He has given me the one absolutely blameless unselfish devotion of his
+life. I've accepted it on that distinct understanding. I've trusted you
+with my secret, a secret honourable alike to Captain Wentworth and
+myself. You've promised not to breathe a word to any living soul. You
+surely don't mean to break your word?
+
+_Dolly._ I don't mean to stand the racket of your Banbury cakes.
+
+_Renie._ I didn't expect you to be so unsympathetic. You promised to
+help me!
+
+_Dolly._ Help you! How did you expect me to help you?
+
+_Renie._ My husband has to go to Edinburgh next week to give a course of
+lectures there.
+
+_Dolly._ Well?
+
+_Renie._ He wants me to go with him. Dearest, it would be perfectly
+sweet of you to ask me to stay on another fortnight here.
+
+_Dolly._ [_Makes a little movement of indignant surprise._] I see!
+
+_Renie._ There could be no possible harm in it now that you know our
+attachment is quite innocent and that you can look after me every
+moment. Dearest, you might oblige me in a tiny little matter like this.
+
+_Dolly._ [_After a pause._] I'll think it over----
+
+_Renie._ Thank you so much.
+
+_Dolly._ Renie, you said Mr. Pilcher's sermon came just in the nick of
+time----
+
+_Renie._ So it did.
+
+_Dolly._ You don't call this the "nick of time"?!
+
+_Renie._ Yes, indeed. I went to church in a perfect fever. I didn't know
+what to do. Well, as I listened to Mr. Pilcher everything became quite
+clear to me. I resolved I would accept Captain Wentworth's pure
+unselfish devotion and make it a lever to raise all my ideals and
+aspirations!
+
+_Dolly._ But there wasn't anything in Mr. Pilcher's sermon about----
+
+_Renie._ Oh yes, there was a lot about ideals and aspirations.
+
+_Dolly._ Yes, but not the sort of aspirations you have for Lucas. I
+suppose you know he makes love to every woman he comes across?
+
+_Renie._ He told me he had been led into one or two unworthy
+attachments.
+
+_Dolly._ Yes! That's quite right. So he has! One or two!
+
+_Renie._ That was before he met me.
+
+_Dolly._ Yes, and this will be before he meets the next lady.
+
+_Renie._ [_Looks at_ DOLLY _severely._] My dear Dolly, with your light
+frivolous nature it is impossible for you to understand a pure and
+exalted attachment like ours. Listen! [_Taking out a letter._] This will
+show you his fine nature, his fine feelings--"From the first moment I
+saw you----"
+
+     MATT _enters._
+
+_Renie._ [_Putting letter in pocket._] Well, have you had a pleasant
+walk?
+
+_Matt._ Very pleasant--and instructive. The Professor asked me to remind
+you that he's waiting for you at the fish-pond.
+
+_Renie._ I'd better go. I shall get a little lecture all to myself if I
+don't. [_Going off, to_ DOLLY.] Thank you, dear, so much for your kind
+invitation to stay on!
+
+_Dolly._ Don't mention it!
+
+_Renie._ I shall try to manage it.      [_Exit._
+
+_Dolly._ Yes, I'm sure you will.
+
+_Matt._ Mrs. Sturgess going to stay on?
+
+_Dolly._ She wants me to invite her. But I won't if I can help it.
+[_Goes to him suddenly._] Dad!
+
+_Matt._ Well?
+
+_Dolly._ That wretched Lucas!
+
+_Matt._ What about him?
+
+_Dolly._ No, I've promised her not to breathe a word. So you must guess.
+[_Pause._] Have you guessed?
+
+_Matt._ [_After a pause._] Yes. Well, I--[_Begins to chuckle._] So Lucas
+is up to his old games!
+
+_Dolly._ My own guest! Under my own roof! It's too horrid of him.
+
+_Matt._ [_Chuckling._] It is! It's too bad! The rascal.
+
+_Dolly._ Oh, it's more than half her fault! It's just like her!
+
+     [MATT _suddenly bursts from a chuckle into a roar._
+
+_Dolly._ What are you laughing at?
+
+_Matt._ I've just left---- [_Chuckling._] I've just left the Professor
+down at the fish-pond explaining to Lucas all about his gray matter,
+and----      [_Roars._
+
+_Dolly._ I don't see anything to laugh at.
+
+_Matt._ Twelve miles in the snow----I say, Doll, we're making a
+splendid start for the New Year!
+
+     [_Laughing._
+
+_Dolly._ Dad! Will you please leave off? [_Shaking his shoulder._] Will
+you be serious?
+
+_Matt._ Yes, my dear!! [_Pulling himself together and straightening his
+features._] Yes, I will. After all, it's a serious matter.
+
+_Dolly._ It's very serious for me, in a neighbourhood like this!
+
+_Matt._ It's serious for me, as I was Lucas's guardian. And it's serious
+for him. If he goes and plays the fool, it may spoil his career--the
+young ass!
+
+_Dolly._ Very well, then, will you please treat it seriously and set to
+work and help me?
+
+_Matt._ How far have matters gone?
+
+_Dolly._ Oh, there's no real harm done at present.
+
+_Matt._ How do you know?
+
+_Dolly._ Oh, Lucas is writing her silly letters and she's talking about
+his pure and exalted devotion, and making it a lever to raise all her
+ideals and aspirations.
+
+_Matt._ [_Shakes his head._] That looks bad! That looks very dangerous
+for her.
+
+_Dolly._ Oh, no; she knows how to take care of herself. But it's
+dangerous for me!
+
+_Matt._ How, dangerous for you?!
+
+_Dolly._ If there's the least bit of scandal she'll contrive to drag me
+into it! I know her so well.
+
+_Matt._ [_Walking about, cogitating._] Yes, and we mustn't let Lucas
+make a mess of it.
+
+_Dolly._ What can we do?
+
+_Matt._ When I was over at Aldershot last week Sir John said something
+about giving Lucas an A. D. C. in India. I'll drive over to-morrow and
+ask Sir John to pack Lucas out of the country for a year or two!
+
+_Dolly._ That's a good idea. But it may take some time?
+
+_Matt._ A week or so, perhaps more.
+
+_Dolly._ But if they find out they're going to be parted, it is just
+this next week when there will be all the danger.
+
+_Matt._ That's true.
+
+_Dolly._ They ought to be parted to-night.
+
+_Matt._ They ought! They ought! Not a doubt about it! Not a shadow of
+doubt! They ought to be parted to-night!
+
+_Dolly._ Dad! I believe I can frighten Renie out of it.
+
+_Matt._ Frighten her?
+
+_Dolly._ I'll try! And you must take Lucas in hand----
+
+_Matt._ H'm! Isn't Harry the right person----?
+
+_Dolly._ No, I sha'n't tell Harry. Harry would only get into a temper
+and muddle it. No, you must get Lucas to take himself off.
+
+_Matt._ Take himself off!
+
+_Dolly._ I won't have him here. You can tell him so. Be very severe with
+him.
+
+_Matt._ [_Dubious._] H'm!
+
+_Dolly._ Take a very high tone.
+
+_Matt._ I'm not sure that taking a high tone is quite in my line.
+
+_Dolly._ Then please try it. Dad, you do realize how very serious this
+is, don't you?
+
+_Matt._ Yes, of course. Very well, I'll tackle Lucas. We'll see what a
+high tone will do with him. Heigho! Sad! Sad!! Sad!!!--Sad! Sad!!
+Sad!!!
+
+_Dolly._ Hush!
+
+     LUCAS _and_ HARRY _enter._ LUCAS _looks round for_ RENIE. DOLLY
+     _and_ MATT _talk in whispers as if settling a plan._ HARRY _goes up
+     to the collecting-box, takes out his knife and begins to scrape off
+     the label._
+
+_Dolly._ [_In a very severe tone to_ LUCAS, _who is peeping into
+conservatory._] Are you looking for anything?
+
+_Lucas._ I was wondering whether there was any tea going.
+
+_Dolly._ [_Same severe tone._] The tea is not in the conservatory.
+
+_Lucas._ No, but I thought it might be getting on to the time----
+
+_Dolly._ [_Same tone._] The tea will be served in due course.
+
+_Lucas._ [_Surprised at her tone._] Is anything the matter?
+
+     [DOLLY _looks at him severely, says nothing, turns to_ MATT. LUCAS
+     _looks puzzled, goes away, and again looks furtively into
+     conservatory for_ RENIE.
+
+_Harry._ [_Scraping away at the collecting-box._] Don't forget,
+Doll--our cosy half hour after tea----
+
+     [_Nodding at the writing-desk._
+
+_Dolly._ I won't forget.
+
+_Matt._ [_Has come up behind_ HARRY, _touches the arm he is scraping
+with._] Hospital for Incurables! I shouldn't scrape that off at present.
+
+
+CURTAIN.
+
+
+
+
+(_Four or five hours pass between Acts I and II._)
+
+ACT II.
+
+
+SCENE: _The same, on the same evening, after dinner. The sofa is now
+brought down below the fireplace, and fronts the audience a little
+diagonally, its right end being farthest up stage. The small table with
+the hospital box, and the easy chair are above the sofa, a little to the
+right of it._
+
+     _Enter_ RENIE, _much distressed and agitated._ DOLLY _follows
+     quickly, closes the door cautiously and mysteriously._
+
+_Renie._ But I don't understand. Captain Wentworth and I have been so
+little together----
+
+_Dolly._ Well, my dear, there it is! My father is the last man to pry
+into other people's affairs, but you see it has been forced upon his
+notice. And from the tone he took----
+
+_Renie._ What tone?
+
+_Dolly._ He was very severe.
+
+_Renie._ [_Alarmed._] But what did he say he had seen?
+
+_Dolly._ He wouldn't go into particulars. He seemed very much upset----
+
+_Renie._ Upset?!
+
+_Dolly._ Perhaps I ought to say shocked.
+
+_Renie._ Shocked?!
+
+_Dolly._ And when my father is shocked it must be something very
+glaring----
+
+_Renie._ [_More and more alarmed._] But there hasn't been anything
+glaring----
+
+_Dolly._ Well, dear, of course, you know.
+
+_Renie._ But I cannot imagine---- [_Suddenly._] It must have been that
+day at the stile!
+
+_Dolly._ Perhaps. What happened? No, I don't wish to hear----
+
+_Renie._ Captain Wentworth assisted me over the stile----
+
+_Dolly._ Well?----
+
+_Renie._ That's all. He may have taken a little longer about it than was
+quite necessary, and I may have leaned a little heavier than the
+circumstances required. But it was all done in perfectly good taste.
+
+_Dolly._ [_Shakes her head._] It can't have been the stile.
+
+_Renie._ Then what----? [_Cudgels her brains._] The dairy!
+
+_Dolly._ Very likely. Was that very--no, don't tell me----
+
+_Renie._ There's nothing to tell. The woman at the farm, Mrs.----
+
+_Dolly._ Biggs----
+
+_Renie._ Biggs, asked me to go over her model dairy.
+
+_Dolly._ Did she ask Lucas?
+
+_Renie._ He came. Mrs. Biggs insisted on our tasting her mince pies----
+
+_Dolly._ Mince pies--? Yes?
+
+_Renie._ While she went to get one----
+
+_Dolly._ Get one----
+
+_Renie._ She wasn't out of the dairy ten seconds----
+
+_Dolly._ No--and then?
+
+_Renie._ Captain Wentworth----a----
+
+_Dolly._ Respected you!
+
+_Renie._ [_Firing up._] He is always most respectful! In the most
+delicate, exquisitely chivalrous way, he implored me for one first and
+only kiss, and just as I was refusing him, somebody passed the dairy
+windows----
+
+_Dolly._ My father often strolls that way----
+
+_Renie._ But I was quite cold and correct---- [_Very anxiously._]
+Dolly, tell me exactly what Mr. Barron said?
+
+_Dolly._ At first he was going to speak to you himself, but I said, "No,
+that's my duty! I'm her oldest friend; I'll talk to her!"
+
+_Renie._ Ye--es?
+
+_Dolly._ So, at last he consented, and said: "Very well. Be very firm
+with her, because this sort of thing taking place under my very nose and
+under my daughter's roof is what I cannot, and will not, tolerate for
+one moment!"
+
+_Renie._ He must have passed the dairy windows!
+
+_Dolly._ Yes.
+
+_Renie._ And jumped to a wrong conclusion.
+
+_Dolly._ Yes. And that isn't the worst----
+
+_Renie._ [_Freshly alarmed._] Not the worst?!
+
+_Dolly._ Now, don't be alarmed, dear----
+
+_Renie._ About what?
+
+_Dolly._ Didn't you notice something strange in your husband's manner at
+dinner?
+
+_Renie._ No. What makes you think----?
+
+_Dolly._ My dear, if my father noticed it, why not your husband? Suppose
+all this time the Professor has been quietly, stealthily watching you
+and Lucas.
+
+_Renie._ [_Alarmed._] Dolly!
+
+_Dolly._ And waiting his time----
+
+_Renie._ Oh, Dolly!
+
+_Dolly._ Didn't you notice how he insisted on your going to the
+fish-pond?
+
+_Renie._ Yes, he did!
+
+_Dolly._ Didn't it strike you there was something in that?
+
+_Renie._ No, and he hasn't said anything----
+
+_Dolly._ Of course not. Naturally he would hide his suspicions from you
+till the right moment.
+
+_Renie._ Right moment?
+
+_Dolly._ Now, dear, you see how serious things are. You mustn't run any
+more risks. This must be broken off to-night.
+
+_Renie._ To-night?!
+
+_Dolly._ Now, what can I do to help you?
+
+_Renie._ You might tell Mr. Barron there was nothing in the dairy
+windows.
+
+_Dolly._ Of course I'll tell him, but if he saw----
+
+_Renie._ But there was nothing. Absolutely nothing----
+
+_Dolly._ No, dear. What else can I do?
+
+_Renie._ Could you find out exactly how much he has seen and heard,
+and--a--pump him a little?
+
+_Dolly._ I don't like pumping people--still--What else?
+
+_Renie._ [_Breaking down._] Oh, Dolly, this blow could not have fallen
+at a more cruel moment.
+
+_Dolly._ No, dear.
+
+_Renie._ It came just when I had lost all the illusions of girlhood,
+when all my woman's nature began to cry out----
+
+_Dolly._ Yes--[_Suddenly._] Hark! [_Listens._] Hush!
+
+     [_Creeps up to door, listens, opens it, looks out, closes it
+     again._
+
+_Renie._ What was it?
+
+_Dolly._ Hush! Voices! I thought it might be Lucas and the Professor
+quarrelling.
+
+_Renie._ I really don't think my husband suspects----
+
+_Dolly._ No, I daresay it's only my imagination.
+
+_Renie._ And if he did--Dolly, is there one man living, except my
+husband, who would condemn me for being the object of a noble,
+single-hearted devotion like Captain Wentworth's?
+
+_Dolly._ No, dear, perhaps not. But, you see, as husbands they take
+quite a different view of things from what they do merely as men.
+
+_Renie._ Tell me candidly, Dolly, you see nothing wrong in it, do you?
+
+_Dolly._ Well, dear, when you say wrong----
+
+_Renie._ But I assure you there isn't--nothing could be further from my
+thoughts.
+
+_Dolly._ No, dear--still, people are so full of prejudice--now what can
+I do?
+
+_Renie._ [_Clasping_ DOLLY'S _hand warmly._] Oh, Dolly, you can help me
+so much.
+
+_Dolly._ [_A little alarmed._] Can I? Tell me----
+
+_Renie._ If Lucas and I are parted---- [_Breaks down._] I can't bear it!
+I can't bear it!
+
+_Dolly._ Try, dear! Try!
+
+_Renie._ [_Sobbing._] I will. And if at any time I long to hear how he
+bears our separation, you won't mind receiving a letter, and sending it
+on to me?
+
+_Dolly._ I'm afraid I couldn't do that, dear. You see, I'm so careless,
+and if I left the letter about, and Harry found it--no, dear----
+
+_Renie._ You won't help me?
+
+_Dolly._ Yes, dear, I'll do anything in my power! [_Suddenly._] I'll
+tell you what I can do!
+
+_Renie._ Yes?
+
+_Dolly._ My father is telling Lucas he must leave to-night. Well, I can
+spare you all the pain and misery of saying "Good-bye," and take one
+last message to him.
+
+_Renie._ [_Curtly._] No, thank you. It's most unkind of you to send him
+away like this. I must see him alone before he goes.
+
+_Dolly._ [_Shakes her head._] My father insists, and suppose Lucas feels
+that he owes it to your reputation to go quietly----
+
+_Renie._ Without seeing me?!
+
+_Dolly._ And suppose the Professor is really watching you----
+
+     [RENIE shows great perplexity. DOLLY _is watching her._
+
+_Dolly._ If you don't see Lucas, what message shall I take him?
+
+_Renie._ Tell him how proud I am of his noble, unselfish devotion; tell
+him I shall always look upon it as the one supreme happiness of my life
+to have known him----
+
+     _The_ PROFESSOR _and_ MATTHEW _enter. The_ PROFESSOR _has diagrams
+     and illustrations in his hand. Following the_ PROFESSOR _and_ MATT
+     _are_ HARRY _and_ LUCAS. LUCAS, _after a little time, comes up to_
+     DOLLY _and_ RENIE, _who are seated on sofa. The_ PROFESSOR _is
+     speaking to_ MATT _as he enters, and is showing him an
+     illustration._
+
+_Prof._ [_In his hard, metallic voice._] Observe that woman's facial
+angle--[_pointing_] the peculiar curve of the lip, and the irregular
+formation of the nose.
+
+     [_Describing a little upward curve on the paper with his thumb._
+
+_Matt._ I have seen sweeter things in ladies' lips and noses.
+
+     [_Describing the same little upward curve with his thumb on the
+     paper._
+
+_Prof._ Can you be surprised at her history?
+
+_Matt._ Who was she?
+
+_Prof._ Jane Sweetman, the notorious trigamist. Looking at that woman's
+cranium I maintain it was impossible for her to avoid----
+
+_Matt._ Committing trigamy?
+
+_Prof._ Well, some species of grave moral delinquency.
+
+     [DOLLY _clutches_ RENIE'S _wrist significantly. The_ PROFESSOR
+     _hands the illustration to_ HARRY, _who examines it._ MATT _moves
+     away a step and unobtrusively feels his own nose and forehead._
+
+_Harry._ [_Has examined the illustration._] By Jove, yes--anybody can
+see she was bound to come a moral cropper, eh?
+
+     [_He hands the illustration to_ DOLLY, _who passes it to_ RENIE,
+     _with a very significant glance, pointing out something on the
+     paper._ LUCAS _leans over the back of the sofa between_ RENIE _and_
+     DOLLY _to look at the illustration. As he leans on the back of the
+     sofa_, DOLLY _draws herself up very indignantly, gives him a severe
+     look; moves a little away from him, sits and looks very severely in
+     front of her. He cannot understand her attitude, draws back a
+     little and looks puzzled._
+
+_Prof._ [_Bringing out another illustration, offering it to_ MATT.] Now
+look at this.
+
+_Matt._ [_Taking illustration._] Somebody's brains!
+
+_Prof._ Tell me if you notice anything peculiar.
+
+     [HARRY _leans over_ MATT'S _shoulder, and looks at the
+     illustration._ LUCAS _again leans over the sofa, between_ DOLLY
+     _and_ RENIE. DOLLY _again moves a little further away from him with
+     another indignant look._ LUCAS _is again puzzled, but bends and
+     looks over the illustration in_ RENIE'S _hands._
+
+_Lucas._ So that's Jane Sweetman! Well, if Jane was bound to come a
+moral cropper, I'm very glad I wasn't bound to come a moral cropper with
+Jane, eh, Dolly? [_Very pleasantly._
+
+_Dolly._ [_Very severely._] I should scarcely have thought you troubled
+whom you came a moral cropper with!
+
+     [_Looks at him severely, goes up to writing-desk, seats herself and
+     writes letter. He feels himself snubbed, and moves a step or two
+     back, stands and looks puzzled._ PROFESSOR _has been critically
+     regarding_ MATT _and_ HARRY, _who have been looking at the
+     illustration._
+
+_Prof._ Well, does anything strike you?
+
+_Matt._ No. [_Holding it out._] Looks rather
+pulpy--rather--a--squashy----
+
+_Prof._ Exactly! Observe the soft, almost watery condition of that gray
+matter. What is the inevitable consequence?
+
+_Matt._ I couldn't quite say--whom did that gray matter belong to?
+
+_Prof._ Harriet Poy.
+
+_Matt._ I don't remember Harriet----
+
+_Prof._ The Pyromaniac. At the age of four set fire to her mother's bed.
+At twelve was found saturating blankets with petroleum; at sixteen fired
+three hayricks, for which she was sentenced to six months' imprisonment.
+
+_Matt._ Poor Harriet! But of course if her gray matter went and got
+watery----
+
+_Prof._ Just so! I maintain that with her gray matter in that condition
+it was a stupid crime to send her to prison.
+
+_Dolly._ [_Looking round from desk._] But what are we to do with people
+whose gray matter goes wrong?
+
+_Prof._ I propose to deal with that question at Edinburgh. [_To_ MATT.]
+You might, perhaps, care to run down to Edinburgh for my lectures----
+
+_Matt._ I should love it above all things; but the fact is, I'm so
+thoroughly of your opinion----
+
+_Prof._ Are you?! I'm delighted I've convinced you.
+
+_Matt._ Completely. All my life I've been doing things I should never
+have dreamed of doing if my gray matter had done its duty and not got
+watery.
+
+_Harry._ [_Begins._] Yes, when you come to think of all the rotten
+things you find yourself doing, you feel, by Jove----
+
+     [_Suddenly recalls that he has said "by Jove," and being near the
+     collection-box, he quietly pulls sixpence out of his pocket and
+     drops it in._
+
+_Matt._ Bravo, Harry! [_Patting him._
+
+_Harry._ Oh, I mean it!--Professor, isn't it time for our hundred up?
+
+_Prof._ [_Taking out watch._] In two minutes.
+
+_Harry._ I'll go and get the balls out and chalk the cues. [_Going up to
+door._] Doll, [_taps the writing-desk_] you put it off after
+tea--by-and-by, you know!
+
+_Dolly._ [_She has finished letter, has risen, and closed
+writing-desk._] By-and-by.
+
+_Harry._ Before we go to bed--don't forget.
+
+_Dolly._ Oh, I sha'n't forget.
+
+     [_Makes a wry face. Exit_ HARRY.
+
+_Prof._ Renie, you were complaining of headache. It would be wise to
+take a short stroll in the cool air.
+
+_Renie._ Oh, very well.
+
+_Prof._ Wrap up thoroughly. Ten minutes, not longer.
+
+     [_Exit._ DOLLY, _unseen by_ RENIE _and_ LUCAS, _slips the note she
+     has been writing into_ MATT'S _hands. He takes it down stage,
+     right, and reads it._ RENIE _and_ LUCAS _have been talking, apart;
+     they move towards the door to get out, but_ DOLLY _is standing in
+     the way of their exit._
+
+_Dolly._ Oh, Renie! I'll put on my things, and come with you.
+
+_Renie._ But Captain Wentworth has offered----
+
+_Dolly._ I've a splitting headache--I must get a little air. And Dad
+wants to have a talk with Lucas, don't you?
+
+_Matt._ If he can spare five minutes.
+
+_Lucas._ Won't by-and-by be just as convenient?
+
+_Dolly._ [_Facing_ LUCAS, _speaking firmly._] No, by-and-by will not be
+just as convenient. Now, Renie, we'll leave them together.
+
+     [_Gets_ RENIE _off, turns, looks daggers at_ LUCAS, _goes off
+     after_ RENIE, _closes door in his face. He opens it, and goes after
+     her._
+
+_Lucas._ I say, Doll, what's up? [_Follows her off._] What's the matter?
+
+_Matt._ [_Reading_ DOLLY'S _note._] "Be very severe with him. Make a
+great point of the dairy windows. He'll understand." Dairy windows?
+
+     [_Puts the note in his pocket, as_ LUCAS _re-enters, puzzled and
+     disappointed._
+
+_Lucas._ I can't think what's the matter with Dolly. She has done
+nothing but snub me all the evening.
+
+_Matt._ [_Looking at him sternly._] So I should imagine!
+
+_Lucas._ [_Startled by his manner._] I say, have I done anything?
+
+_Matt._ Done anything! I'm a man of the world! nobody can accuse me of
+being strait-laced, and therefore I suppose you think you can come here
+and set at defiance all the----it's disgraceful!
+
+_Lucas._ Would you mind telling me what you're hinting at?
+
+_Matt._ I'm not hinting! I'm going to speak out very plainly, and I tell
+you that I look upon your conduct as something atrocious!
+
+_Lucas._ I say, Uncle, what's all this about?
+
+_Matt._ What's it about? What's it about? It's about the dairy windows!
+
+_Lucas._ Then it was you--phew!--so it was you?
+
+_Matt._ Well, after the dairy windows, can you stand there and tell me
+you aren't thoroughly, completely, heartily ashamed of yourself?
+
+_Lucas._ Well, I suppose I am. But, after all, it wasn't so very bad----
+
+_Matt._ Not bad?!
+
+_Lucas._ Well, not so d--ee--d awful.
+
+_Matt._ [_Regards him for a few moments._] Well, I'm astonished! If you
+don't consider your behaviour d--ee--d awful, will you please find me
+some word that will describe it?
+
+_Lucas._ You know you're putting a much worse construction on this than
+the necessities of the case demand.
+
+_Matt._ What?!
+
+_Lucas._ I've nothing to reproach myself with. Mrs. Biggs wasn't out of
+the dairy three minutes, and you were hanging about the windows all the
+time.
+
+_Matt._ I was hanging about the windows?
+
+_Lucas._ Yes, and I must say that when you saw two people engaged in an
+interesting conversation the least you could do was to pass on and take
+no notice.
+
+_Matt._ "Interesting conversation"?!
+
+_Lucas._ Well, what did you call it? If it comes to that, what do you
+accuse me of?
+
+_Matt._ Well, here you are, on the first day of the year, after
+listening to a most eloquent sermon, after making a solemn resolution to
+give up all your bad habits----
+
+_Lucas._ Excuse me, I expressly stated that I didn't mean to give up
+_all_ my bad habits. And I don't call this a bad habit.
+
+_Matt._ You don't call making love to a married woman a bad habit?!
+
+_Lucas._ Of course in one sense it is a bad habit. But it isn't a bad
+habit in the sense that other bad habits are bad habits. Look at all the
+decent chaps who've been led into it!
+
+_Matt._ That doesn't excuse you. And if you think that I'm going to
+countenance your conduct, you are very much mistaken in your estimate of
+my character.
+
+_Lucas._ [_Very quietly._] May I ask you one simple question?
+
+_Matt._ Well?
+
+_Lucas._ When you were my age, if you found yourself alone in a dairy
+with a good-looking woman, and she was good for a dozen kisses or so,
+wouldn't you have taken advantage of it?
+
+_Matt._ No!
+
+_Lucas._ Not at my age?
+
+_Matt._ No--no----
+
+_Lucas._ Well, what would you have done?
+
+_Matt._ I should have summoned all my resolution----
+
+_Lucas._ Oh, that be hanged! Come, Uncle, no humbug! Man to man!
+
+_Matt._ Well, I don't say that at your age I might not have been
+tempted--and of course we must all go through a certain amount of
+experience, or how should we be able to advise you youngsters?
+
+_Lucas._ I say, no confounded nonsense--your uncle Archie----
+
+_Matt._ Dear old chap!
+
+_Lucas._ What use did you make of his advice?
+
+_Matt._ Well, I remember his talking to me very seriously--I suppose I
+was about your age--did I ever tell you, Lucas, [_taking_ LUCAS'S _arm
+affectionately_] about a very remarkable auburn-haired girl, Madge
+Seaforth?
+
+_Lucas._ No.
+
+_Matt._ And my racing her across Salisbury Plain at night?
+
+_Lucas._ No.
+
+_Matt._ Forty-eight miles one glorious May night! I let her beat me! God
+bless her! I let her beat me! And just as the sun rose we caught sight
+of Salisbury spire.
+
+_Lucas._ Sounds rather jolly!
+
+_Matt._ Jolly? And the bacon and eggs we got through for breakfast!
+Jolly? It was romance! It was poetry! Ah! Lu, my boy, you may say what
+you like, there's nothing like it on this side heaven. I told you about
+Mrs. Satterwaite dressing up as a widow and selling her husband?
+
+_Lucas._ No?
+
+_Matt._ Well, I bet the little hussy a fiver. Oh, Satterwaite richly
+deserved all he got--I can see Satterwaite's face now, and hers, as she
+stepped out of the cupboard, with the wickedest twinkle in the wickedest
+black eye! Ho! Ho! Heigho! Sad! Sad!! Sad!!!--Sad! Sad!! Sad!!! Come,
+come, Lucas! This won't do! This will never do! Now to get back to this
+business of yours----
+
+_Lucas._ Well----
+
+_Matt._ When I was your guardian I let you have a pretty good fling?
+
+_Lucas._ You did!
+
+_Matt._ The pace was rather scorching?
+
+_Lucas._ Rather!
+
+_Matt._ I never pulled you up?
+
+_Lucas._ No, and I'm grateful.
+
+     [_Shaking hands very cordially._
+
+_Matt._ That's all right. Now, old chap, you've got to pull up!
+
+_Lucas._ Pull up?
+
+_Matt._ Short. This Mrs. Sturgess--Dolly says there's a lot of nonsense
+going on, gushing letters and so on,--damned silly thing writing
+letters, Lu----
+
+_Lucas._ Yes, I know.
+
+_Matt._ Well, what do you do it for?
+
+_Lucas._ I don't know.
+
+_Matt._ You're seeing her every day. If you must carry on this
+tomfoolery, why not do it by word of mouth? Why write it down, to show
+what an ass you've been?
+
+_Lucas._ I'm sure I don't know.
+
+_Matt._ Do you know why you're carrying on with her at all?
+
+_Lucas._ Well, naturally a chap--naturally----
+
+_Matt._ You're either in love with her, or you aren't?
+
+_Lucas._ I can't say I'm exactly in love with her----
+
+_Matt._ Then why are you making love to her?
+
+_Lucas._ Well, she's a jolly good-looking woman, and naturally a
+chap--naturally--I don't know that I ain't a bit in love with her.
+
+_Matt._ Well, it doesn't much matter. If you aren't in love with her
+you're a fool to risk a scandal. If you are in love you'll most likely
+do some silly jackass thing that will knock your career on the head, eh?
+
+_Lucas._ Well, when you look at it that way----
+
+_Matt._ Look at it that way! Anyhow, she's a married woman, and you're
+here as a guest--it isn't the right thing to do, is it?
+
+_Lucas._ No, it isn't.
+
+_Matt._ Very well, then, don't do it. Don't do it! Cut it! You will?
+
+_Lucas._ I've got to, I suppose.
+
+_Matt._ Yes, you've got to. You can tell Doll I gave it to you hot and
+strong, and you're going to clear out, and not see Mrs. Sturgess
+again----
+
+_Lucas._ Not see her again?
+
+_Matt._ Isn't that what you mean to do?
+
+_Lucas._ Yes, I suppose. I say, what did you see at the dairy windows?
+
+_Matt._ I didn't see anything at all!
+
+_Lucas._ Nothing at all?
+
+_Matt._ I wasn't there!
+
+_Lucas._ Then how----?
+
+_Matt._ Dolly put me up to it.      [_Laughs at him._
+
+_Lucas._ Dolly?
+
+     DOLLY _enters with a cloak which she throws on sofa._
+
+_Matt._ Ah, Doll----
+
+_Dolly._ [_Looking severely at_ LUCAS.] Have you spoken to him?
+
+_Matt._ Yes, very seriously, extra seriously, and he's going to do the
+right thing and clear out, aren't you, Lucas?
+
+_Lucas._ [_A little unwillingly._] Yes.
+
+_Matt._ [_Clapping him on the shoulder._] Good chap! Good chap!
+
+_Dolly._ [_Still a little severe._] I'm pleased to hear it. [_To_
+LUCAS.] You've behaved in a most scandalous----
+
+_Matt._ He has. I've told him all that. [_Winks at_ DOLLY _to keep her
+quiet._] And he sees it quite plainly, don't you?
+
+     [_Winks at_ LUCAS _to prompt him._
+
+_Dolly._ Then it's quite broken off?
+
+_Matt._ Quite! Isn't it, Lu?
+
+_Lucas._ Yes, I suppose. I should like to say----
+
+_Dolly._ Yes?
+
+_Lucas._ That nothing has taken place which, if rightly looked at, could
+reflect discredit either upon the lady, or, I hope, upon myself. And
+secondly, whatever fault there may have been, is entirely mine.
+
+_Matt._ That's satisfactory! It always ought to be the man's fault.
+Heaven forbid it should ever be theirs. Good chap! Good chap! [_Patting
+him._] Dolly, he's behaving splendidly. Now, Lu, good-night.
+
+     [DOLLY _rings bell._
+
+_Lucas._ [_Surprised._] Good-night?!
+
+_Dolly._ Good-night, and good-bye! [_Holding out her hand._
+
+_Lucas._ You aren't going to turn me out to-night!
+
+_Dolly._ You said it was quite broken off.
+
+_Lucas._ Yes, but---- [_turns to_ MATT _with appealing gesture._] Uncle,
+you didn't mean to pack me off like this----
+
+_Matt._ Yes, my boy! Remember the occasion. First day of the New Year.
+Take time by the forelock. Off you go!
+
+     [_Taking him by the shoulder and trying to get him off._
+
+_Lucas._ [_Resisting._] Oh no! I don't see it in that light at all.
+
+     [_Sinks comfortably into arm-chair._
+
+     CRIDDLE _appears at door._
+
+_Dolly._ Criddle, please have Captain Wentworth's portmanteau taken to
+the billiard-room.
+
+_Criddle._ Yes, ma'am.
+
+_Dolly._ He wishes to change there, and please send to the Red Lion and
+ask them to have Captain Wentworth's horse saddled.
+
+_Criddle._ Yes, ma'am.      [_Going._
+
+_Lucas._ Criddle, what's the weather like?
+
+_Criddle._ It's a bit colder, sir. Looks as if we were going to have
+another heavy fall of snow.
+
+_Lucas._ I don't think I'll go to-night, Criddle. If I want the gee
+saddled, I'll go and tell them myself.
+
+_Criddle._ Yes, sir.      [_Exit._
+
+_Lucas._ [_In arm-chair._] I say, Dolly, you don't really expect me to
+go careering over that heath at this ungodly hour?
+
+_Dolly._ You can't stay here. Renie is very much upset; she has had
+hysterics. So I've put her in the spare room.
+
+_Lucas._ Well, you can give me a shake-down somewhere--in the
+billiard-room.
+
+_Dolly._ [_Shakes her head._] I can't ask the servants to make up
+impossible beds in impossible places at this ungodly hour.
+
+_Lucas._ I call this beastly unfair of you, Doll.
+
+_Dolly._ Unfair?
+
+_Lucas._ Just as I'd summoned up all my resolution to do the right
+thing, and avoid ructions for your sake, you pounce down on me, and
+order me off the premises, and----
+
+_Dolly._ [_Getting angry._] If you don't behave yourself and go off
+quietly, I shall have to order you off the premises.
+
+     [_Makes an appeal by gesture to_ MATT _to get him off._
+
+_Matt._ Now, my hero! [_Lifting him out of the arm-chair._] Buckle on
+your armor! Sally forth! Once more unto the breach!
+
+     [_With some difficulty he raises_ LUCAS _out of the chair._
+
+_Lucas._ Well, I'll go and have a look at the weather. [_Goes sulkily up
+to door._] Mind you, if you turn me out I won't be responsible if
+there's a flare up----
+
+_Dolly._ Very well, so long as we don't have a flare-up here. Oh!
+
+     [_Rings the bell again._
+
+_Lucas._ [_Goes off, sulky, muttering._] Of all the--turning me
+out--beastly infernal nuisance!
+
+     [_Exit grumbling, leaving door open._
+
+_Dolly._ It would serve them both right if there was to be a
+flare-up--only I'm sure she'd drag me into it somehow. [CRIDDLE _appears
+at door._] Please send and ask them at the Red Lion to saddle Captain
+Wentworth's horse and send it here at once.
+
+_Criddle._ Yes, ma'am.      [_Exit._
+
+_Dolly._ Lucas is going to behave as badly over this as he did over the
+governess. Dad----!
+
+_Matt._ Well?
+
+_Dolly._ Of course, Lucas is in the army, but surely he--he isn't a fair
+sample?
+
+_Matt._ Oh no, oh no! Lucas is very exceptional--quite exceptional.
+
+_Dolly._ I thought so! They can't all be----
+
+_Matt._ Oh no! I'm glad to say----
+
+_Dolly._ I'm determined he shall go to-night.
+
+     LUCAS _re-enters._
+
+_Lucas._ I say, Dolly, I wish you'd come and look at the weather.
+
+_Dolly._ What for?
+
+_Lucas._ There's a great black cloud--it's going to come down!
+
+_Dolly._ [_Enraged._] I don't care if the heavens come down! You're
+going back to Aldershot to-night.
+
+_Lucas._ But I tell you---- [_Appeals to_ MATT.] It's simply impossible
+for me to ride across that heath----
+
+_Matt._ But you rode across it last night in a howling snowstorm----
+
+_Lucas._ Yes, I did! Last night! And never again, thank you! No! I don't
+mind shaking down anywhere to oblige----
+
+     [_He is about to drop again into the arm-chair, but_ MATT _gently
+     pushes him aside and drops into the chair himself._
+
+_Lucas._ [_Going to sofa._] Anywhere to oblige!
+
+     [_Drops comfortably on to sofa._
+
+_Dolly._ [_Comes up to him finally._] Lucas, this is abominable! I
+suppose you think because we treated you so leniently over that wretched
+governess----
+
+_Lucas._ Well, I thought you were pretty deuced hard down on us----
+
+_Dolly._ What?! Oh!      [_Appeals to_ MATT.
+
+_Lucas._ I didn't mind your slanging me, but you might have had a little
+consideration for her feelings, because, after all, she was one of your
+own sex!
+
+_Dolly._ My own sex! The minx!
+
+_Lucas._ And an orphan!
+
+_Dolly._ Orphan! [_To_ MATT.] Go and speak to him! Go and speak to him!
+
+     [MATT _rises and goes to_ LUCAS. DOLLY _sits down in despair._
+
+_Matt._ Come, Lu. You're not playing the game! You promised to take
+yourself off.
+
+_Lucas._ [_Comfortably seated._] Well, I will take myself off, only let
+me take myself off in my own way.
+
+_Dolly._ It's useless your staying! Renie won't see you again.
+
+_Lucas._ Won't she?
+
+_Dolly._ No. She gave me a last message for you----
+
+_Lucas._ Did she? Why didn't you give it to me?
+
+_Dolly._ If I tell you, will you take yourself off?
+
+_Lucas._ Yes, of course. What was her last message?
+
+_Dolly._ She said "She should always value your noble devotion, and be
+proud that she had known you; but you must see how hopeless it was, and
+that she trusted you would go away at once and leave her to respect you,
+as you had always respected her!"
+
+_Matt._ A very pretty, touching little adieu! Does her great credit.
+Now, Lu! Cut it! Come, my boy!
+
+     [_Lifts him up off sofa._ LUCAS _gets up very reluctantly._
+
+_Lucas._ Well, if I must go--good-night!
+
+_Matt._ Good-night. [_Shaking hands._] I may see you to-morrow
+afternoon.
+
+_Lucas._ Where?
+
+_Matt._ I'm driving over to Aldershot to see Sir John. I shall look you
+up----
+
+_Lucas._ I may not be there in the afternoon----
+
+_Dolly._ Lucas, you're coming over here----
+
+_Lucas._ No--no; I'm not. You shouldn't suspect me.
+
+_Dolly._ It won't be the least use your coming----
+
+_Lucas._ I know that. Well, good-bye, Doll----
+
+_Dolly._ Good-bye.      [_Shaking hands._
+
+_Lucas._ [_Is going up to door slowly and reluctantly, turns._] I
+suppose if I were to give you my solemn promise I wouldn't see her, I
+couldn't shake down on that sofa.
+
+_Dolly._ [_Sternly and decisively._] No!
+
+_Lucas._ [_Goes a few more steps towards door, turns._] I suppose I
+couldn't see Mrs. Sturgess? [DOLLY _looks indignant._] Only to say
+good-bye.
+
+_Dolly._ No! She was nearly undressed when I left her. She's asleep by
+now!
+
+     _Enter_ RENIE _fully dressed, looking very interesting and tearful.
+     Throughout the scene she preserves the air of a martyr._
+
+_Dolly._ [_Indignantly._] Renie, you promised me you wouldn't come
+downstairs again!
+
+_Renie._ Yes, dear, but I felt I couldn't rest under your
+father's unjust suspicion. [_Goes up to_ MATT, _seizes his hand
+sympathetically._] Dolly tells me you have been watching the friendship
+that all unconsciously has sprung up between Captain Wentworth and
+myself----
+
+_Matt._ [_Uncomfortable._] Not exactly watching----
+
+_Renie._ I feel you may have seen, or guessed something, that has given
+you a wrong impression.
+
+_Matt._ No, no! I assure you----
+
+_Renie._ If you have, I beg you to speak out and give us a chance of
+defending ourselves. Tell us exactly what you have seen, and what you
+suspect----
+
+_Matt._ My dear Mrs. Sturgess, I haven't seen anything, and I don't
+suspect anything.
+
+_Renie._ You really mean that?
+
+_Matt._ Yes--yes----
+
+_Renie._ [_Clasping his hand eagerly._] Thank you so much. Friendship
+between a man and a woman is _so_ misunderstood.
+
+_Matt._ It is.
+
+_Dolly._ Yes, Lucas had a friendship with a governess here which we all
+misunderstood--till afterwards.
+
+_Lucas._ I say, Dolly, don't you----
+
+_Renie._ Now that there is no chance of your misjudging our friendship,
+I don't mind saying---- [_Shows signs of breaking down._] You won't
+misunderstand me?      [_Clinging to his hand._
+
+_Matt._ No, no!
+
+_Renie._ My life has not been altogether a happy one.
+
+_Matt._ I'm sure it hasn't!
+
+_Renie._ Under other circumstances--let that pass! [_Wrings_ MATT'S
+_hands._] Thank you, thank you! [_Goes to_ LUCAS.] Captain Wentworth, I
+shall always be proud to have known you.
+
+_Dolly._ I've told him all that!
+
+     [MATT _hushes_ DOLLY _with a gesture._
+
+_Renie._ I shall always cherish the memory of our friendship, but it
+might be misunderstood, and so [_breaking down, but bearing up with an
+effort_], you will behave like the gallant gentleman I know you to be,
+and say good-bye to me for ever!
+
+_Matt._ Nobly spoken! Very nobly spoken indeed!
+
+_Lucas._ Well, if you insist----
+
+_Renie._ I do! Good-bye for ever!
+
+_Lucas._ Good-bye.      [_They have a long hand-shake._
+
+_Renie._ Good-bye.
+
+     [_Tears herself away from him and tragically throws herself on
+     sofa._ LUCAS _follows her up._
+
+_Lucas._ I say, Mrs. Sturgess----
+
+_Renie._ [_Face buried in hands, moans out._] Go, go! In pity's name
+don't make it harder for me!
+
+_Matt._ In pity's name don't make it harder for her.
+
+_Dolly._ [_Looking off at door._] They'll be coming out of the
+billiard-room directly.
+
+_Matt._ Now, Lucas----
+
+     CRIDDLE _appears at door._
+
+_Criddle._ Your horse is waiting for you, sir.
+
+_Lucas._ My horse?!
+
+_Criddle._ Yes, sir, just outside.
+
+_Lucas._ What on earth do they mean? A valuable horse like that--just
+clipped--standing about on a night like this--who told them?
+
+_Dolly._ I did. The horse is waiting to take you back to Aldershot.
+
+_Lucas._ I can't go back to Aldershot in this kit. [_Pointing to his
+dress-clothes._] Tell them to take it back to the Red Lion!
+
+_Dolly._ And Criddle, give the man Captain Wentworth's portmanteau to
+take to the Red Lion at the same time.
+
+_Criddle._ Yes, ma'am.      [_Exit._
+
+_Lucas._ [_Grumbling._] Well, of all----Good-bye, Mrs. Sturgess.
+
+_Dolly._ You've said good-bye----
+
+_Renie._ [_Still tragic on sofa._] Farewell--for ever!
+
+_Lucas._ Good-night, Dolly!
+
+_Dolly._ Farewell--for a good long time.      [_Shaking hands._
+
+_Lucas._ Good-night, Uncle.
+
+_Matt._ Good-night, Lucas.      [_Shaking hands._
+
+_Lucas._ [_Turns at door._] Happen to have your cigar-case handy?
+
+     [MATT _takes out cigar-case, offers it._
+
+_Lucas._ Could you spare two?
+
+_Matt._ Certainly!
+
+_Lucas._ I've got a jolly long ride, I'll take three if you don't mind.
+
+_Matt._ Do!
+
+_Lucas._ Thank'ee. Well, good-night, everybody.
+
+     [MATT _gets_ LUCAS _off, closes door after him._
+
+_Renie._ [_Rouses herself from sofa._] Has he gone? Is it all over?
+
+_Dolly._ I hope so.     [_Goes and rings bell twice._
+
+_Renie._ [_Goes to_ MATT _impulsively--and seizes his hand._] At least
+this bitter experience has gained me one true friend.
+
+_Matt._ [_Embarrassed._] Yes----
+
+_Renie._ [_Wrings his hand in gratitude._] Thank you so much----
+
+     [_He gets away from her and shows relief; takes out cigar and
+     prepares to light it._
+
+_Renie._ [_Standing in the middle of the room, pitying herself._] That's
+where we get the worst of it, we women who have hearts! We must feel, we
+must show our feelings, and then we get trampled down in the fight. Oh,
+Dolly, how I envy you your nature!
+
+_Dolly._ [_Very chilly._] Are you going into the spare room, dear?
+
+_Renie._ Anywhere! Anywhere! Yes, the spare room!
+
+     PETERS, DOLLY'S _maid, appears at door._
+
+_Dolly._ Peters, will you bank up the fire in the spare room and make
+everything comfortable for Mrs. Sturgess?
+
+_Peters._ Yes, ma'am.      [_Exit._
+
+_Renie._ [_Still in the middle of the room, pitying herself._] So my
+poor little tragedy is ended!      [_To_ MATT.
+
+_Matt._ Yes. Well, let's be thankful no bones are broken!
+
+_Renie._ No bones, but how about hearts? Well, I must bear it. [_With a
+weary smile._] Mustn't I?
+
+_Matt._ I'm afraid you must.
+
+_Renie._ Good-night! [_Wrings his hand with gratitude._] Good-night!
+
+_Matt._ Good-night.
+
+     [_Gets away from her, and busies himself with his cigar, lights
+     it._
+
+_Renie._ Good-night, Dolly!
+
+_Dolly._ I'll come up with you, and stay till you're quite comfortable.
+
+_Renie._ Shall I ever be comfortable again? Will things ever be the
+same? I wonder!
+
+     [_Goes off mournfully and tragically at back with a prolonged
+     sigh._ MATT _has seated himself on sofa and taken up paper._
+
+_Dolly._ [_Calls his attention to_ RENIE'S _exit and makes a furious
+gesture after her._] I know she'll be here next Christmas! [_Marches
+down enraged to_ MATT _and repeats in an angry, aggrieved way,
+emphasizing each word._] I know that woman will be here next
+Christmas!
+
+_Matt._ [_Seated comfortably with his cigar and paper_] I daresay she
+will----
+
+     [DOLLY _marches indignantly and decisively to door and exit._
+
+
+CURTAIN.
+
+
+
+
+(_Half an hour passes between Acts II and III._)
+
+ACT III.
+
+
+SCENE: _The same. Discover_ MATT _in the same seat and attitude, with
+paper and cigar._ DOLLY _enters._
+
+_Matt._ Well??
+
+_Dolly._ I've had an awful time with her----
+
+_Matt._ How?
+
+_Dolly._ [_Seated._] First she had another fit of hysterics--then she
+longed to go out into the night air to cool her fevered brow--then she
+moaned out something about her noble Lucas----
+
+_Matt._ And now?
+
+_Dolly._ I've persuaded her to let Peters undress her. I've got her off
+my hands at last.
+
+_Matt._ That's a comfort.
+
+_Dolly._ Dad!
+
+_Matt._ Yes.
+
+_Dolly._ I won't have her here next Christmas.
+
+_Matt._ No, I wouldn't.
+
+_Dolly._ [_Repeats in a slow, aggrieved, enraged way, emphasizing each
+syllable._] Whatever happens, I will not have that woman in my house
+next Christmas. You hear that?
+
+_Matt._ Yes. You won't have her here next Christmas!
+
+_Dolly._ I mean it, this time. And I won't have Lucas here again for a
+very long time.
+
+_Matt._ I wouldn't.
+
+_Dolly._ [_Seated beside him._] Dad, please put away that paper. You're
+going over to Aldershot to-morrow to try to get Lucas exchanged?
+
+_Matt._ I'll try.
+
+_Dolly._ Where can you get him sent?
+
+_Matt._ Gibraltar--India--South Africa--according as an appointment
+happens to be vacant.
+
+_Dolly._ The further the better, and the longer.
+
+     PETERS _appears at door._
+
+_Dolly._ Well, Peters, have you made Mrs. Sturgess comfortable?
+
+_Peters._ I'm trying to, ma'am.
+
+_Dolly._ Is she in bed yet?
+
+_Peters._ No, ma'am.
+
+_Dolly._ Not in bed!
+
+_Peters._ No, ma'am, but she seems rather quieter.
+
+_Dolly._ She let you undress her, I suppose?
+
+_Peters._ I'm just going to, ma'am. She says her brain is still
+throbbing.
+
+_Dolly._ Throbbing!
+
+_Peters._ And could you lend her your hop-pillow?
+
+_Dolly._ You'll find it in my wardrobe.
+
+_Peters._ Yes, ma'am.
+
+_Dolly._ Peters, pat up the hop-pillow for her, and insist on undressing
+her----
+
+_Peters._ Yes, ma'am.      [_Going._
+
+_Dolly._ Don't leave her till you've seen her comfortably in bed.
+
+_Peters._ No, ma'am.
+
+     [_Exit. A gust of wind and a little rattle of hail on the
+     conservatory window._
+
+_Matt._ Whew! The New Year means business!
+
+_Dolly._ And so do I, as Lucas will find out.
+
+_Matt._ He is finding it out, on that heath!
+
+_Dolly._ Yes! [_With a little laugh._] Ha! ha! [_A louder gust and
+rattle of hail._] Listen! Listen! Ha! And he might have been here
+playing a comfortable rubber by the fire--if he'd simply behaved
+himself!
+
+_Matt._ If he'd "simply behaved" himself! What we all miss through not
+"simply behaving" ourselves.
+
+     [_Another gust._
+
+_Dolly._ [_Laughs._] Ah! He's catching it! I shall insist on Renie
+driving out with me to-morrow afternoon.
+
+_Matt._ Yes.
+
+_Dolly._ Then she can't meet Lucas. That will be another sell for
+him--[_Another furious gust and rattle._] Listen! Ha! ha! I wonder how
+far Lucas has got!
+
+     [_A noise of something being knocked over in the conservatory,
+     which is lighted._
+
+_Matt._ [_Goes to the conservatory door, looks in; is startled._] Hillo!
+hillo! What?!
+
+     LUCAS _enters from the upper conservatory door in riding-clothes of
+     first Act._
+
+_Dolly._ [_Enraged._] Lucas! [_More enraged._] Lucas! How dare you?!
+
+_Lucas._ It's all right--don't make a fuss!
+
+_Dolly._ [_Furious._] Why aren't you on the way to Aldershot?
+
+_Lucas._ I didn't like the look of the weather! I didn't like the look
+of it at all! So I got them to give me a shake-down at the Red Lion----
+
+_Dolly._ [_Indignantly._] Shake-down at the Red Lion!
+
+_Lucas._ Yes, on their sofa! You needn't look so black! I asked you
+first, to let me have a shake-down here--on that sofa----
+
+_Dolly._ But why have you come back here?
+
+_Lucas._ Well, I must have dropped those cigars uncle Matt gave me. I
+put them carefully in my side pocket, and when I got down to the Red
+Lion, lo and behold, they weren't there!
+
+_Dolly._ You could have got a cigar at the Red Lion----
+
+_Lucas._ [_Turns to_ MATT _for sympathy._] I could have got a cigar at
+the Red Lion! [_To_ DOLLY.] No, thank you! So I thought I'd just stroll
+up here in the hope----
+
+_Dolly._ In the hope of seeing Mrs. Sturgess! But she's safely in bed
+this time, and there's no possible chance of your seeing her.
+
+_Lucas._ In the hope of getting Harry to give me a decent smoke. Well, I
+came into the Hall and not wishing to rile you by my hated presence--I
+slipped into the conservatory----
+
+     _Enter_ HARRY.
+
+_Harry._ [_Surprised at the riding-clothes._] Hillo, Lu, going back to
+Aldershot to-night?
+
+_Lucas._ No, not unless the weather takes a turn. No, Dolly said that as
+the spare room was occupied, would I mind getting a shake-down at the
+Red Lion. So I did, and as I've got nothing to smoke, may I cadge a
+cigar?
+
+_Harry._ Yes, old fellow.      [_Taking out cigar-case._
+
+_Dolly._ [_Intercepting._] You said I should take charge of your cigars,
+in case you should be tempted to smoke more than two a day----
+
+_Harry._ By Jove, I forgot all about two per diem--I've been smoking all
+day. Here, Lu! [_About to throw cigar-case to_ LUCAS.] You'd better take
+the lot and keep me out of temptation!
+
+_Dolly._ No! I'll take charge of that, please.
+
+     [_Takes the cigar-case, looks angrily at_ LUCAS, _goes to
+     writing-desk, puts it in._
+
+     PETERS _appears at door._
+
+_Peters._ I beg pardon, ma'am, Mrs. Sturgess----
+
+_Dolly._ What about her?
+
+_Peters._ When I got back with the hop-pillow she wasn't there. I've
+looked all over the house, and I can't find her anywhere. [_Glancing
+off into the conservatory._] Oh, there she is!
+
+     RENIE _enters, fully dressed from conservatory, very languidly,
+     with handkerchief and smelling-salts._ PETERS _goes off._
+
+_Dolly._ Renie!
+
+     [_Looks at_ MATT, _who is inclined to laugh, checks it, shrugs his
+     shoulders and goes over to fire._
+
+_Renie._ My head was racking, I had to rush out--I've been pacing up and
+down under the veranda, up and down, up and down, up and down--[DOLLY
+_makes a little grimace of angry incredulity_] it's a little easier now,
+so I'll take advantage of the lull, and try to get some sleep.
+
+_Dolly._ Yes, I would.
+
+_Renie._ Good-night, dear.
+
+_Dolly._ [_Severely._] Good-night once more.
+
+_Renie._ Good-night, Mr. Telfer.      [_Offering hand._
+
+_Harry._ Good-night, I'm awfully sorry----
+
+_Renie._ [_With her weary smile._] Oh, it's only a headache. I can bear
+it. Thank you for your sympathy. [_Wringing his hand in fervent
+gratitude._] Good-night, Mr. Barron.
+
+_Matt._ Good-night. I hope we sha'n't have any more little tragedies,
+eh?
+
+_Renie._ [_Very fervently._] I hope not, oh, I hope not! [_To_ LUCAS
+_very casually and distantly._] Good-night, Captain Wentworth.
+
+_Lucas._ [_Same tone._] Good-night, Mrs. Sturgess.
+
+     [_Exit_ RENIE. PETERS _is seen to join her in the hall. A little
+     pause._
+
+_Lucas._ Well, I'll be toddling back to the Red Lion. Good-night, Dolly.
+[DOLLY _looks at him, furious, turns away._ HARRY _looks a little
+surprised._] Good-night, Harry.
+
+_Harry_. Good-night, Lu. Seems a pity for you to turn out on a night
+like this. Dolly, can't we give him a shake-down----?
+
+_Dolly._ No!
+
+     [HARRY _shows surprise at her tone. A little pause of
+     embarrassment._
+
+_Lucas._ Good-night, Uncle Matt.
+
+_Matt._ [_Comes up to him, in a low voice._] Cut it, my dear lad. Cut
+it! That's understood?
+
+_Lucas._ Yes, of course. Well, good-night, Dolly, once more. [_She
+doesn't reply._] Oh well, if you're going on the rampage--[_Goes off
+muttering._] Infernal nuisance--night like this----      [_Exit._
+
+_Harry._ Is anything the matter?
+
+_Dolly._ Lucas has offended me very much. I don't wish to speak of it.
+
+     _The_ PROFESSOR _enters at back._
+
+_Matt._ Well, who was the victor?
+
+_Harry._ The Professor won all four games.
+
+_Prof._ I ascribe the increased accuracy of my stroke at billiards to my
+increased nerve force, now I have made Pableine my staple article of
+diet in place of meat.
+
+_Matt._ Flies to the gray matter, eh?
+
+_Prof._ Instantaneously.
+
+_Matt._ Good stuff!
+
+_Prof._ I hope you'll try it. Shall I send a tin to your room?
+
+_Matt._ Will you? That will be kind!
+
+     CRIDDLE _appears at door._
+
+_Criddle._ I've put the spirits in the hall, sir.
+
+_Harry._ You can take them away, Criddle. In the future we shall not
+require spirits at night, only soda water and tea.
+
+_Criddle._ Yes, sir. [_Exit._
+
+_Dolly._ [_Who has been sitting wearily on sofa, rises._] Well, I'm
+going to bed.
+
+_Harry._ You forget, dear.
+
+_Dolly._ What? [HARRY _taps the writing-desk._] Oh, my dear Harry, we
+won't go into them to-night.
+
+_Harry._ Yes, my dear, if you please. [_Very firmly._ DOLLY _makes an
+impatient gesture and pouts._] Please don't look like that. If I'm to
+help you in paying off these bills, it must be to-night, or not at all.
+
+_Dolly._ Oh, very well, but----      [_Sits down wearily._
+
+_Prof._ [_Taking out watch._] Five minutes past my usual hour.
+
+_Dolly._ Renie has one of her bad headaches, so I've put her in the
+spare room.
+
+_Prof._ Thank you. I'm afraid she's a little wilful. I can never get her
+to see that life can yield us no real satisfaction unless we regulate
+all our actions to the most minute point. Good-night.
+
+_Dolly._ Good-night.      [_Shaking hands._
+
+_Prof._ Good-night, Telfer.
+
+_Harry._ Good-night.      [_Shaking hands._
+
+_Matt._ Good-night, Harry.
+
+_Harry._ Good-night, Dad.      [_Shaking hands._
+
+_Matt._ [_To_ DOLLY.] Night-night, dear.
+
+_Dolly._ Night-night, Dad.      [_Kissing him._
+
+_Prof._ [_Has been waiting at door._] I might perhaps show you the
+precise way of mixing the Pableine.
+
+_Matt._ That would be kind! What's the dose?
+
+_Prof._ Two teaspoonfuls. On certain occasions I have taken as much as
+four tablespoonfuls.
+
+_Matt._ Wasn't that rather--going it?
+
+_Prof._ No. It's quite tasteless, except for a very slight beany
+flavor.
+
+_Matt._ Sounds just the thing for a New Year's drink, to brace up good
+resolutions. Come along! I'll have a regular night-cap of it.
+
+     [_Exeunt_ MATT _and_ PROFESSOR.
+
+_Harry._ Now we can have our cosy half hour.
+
+_Dolly._ Ye-es. I've had an awful evening with Lucas. Don't you
+think----?
+
+_Harry._ No, my darling. You put it off after tea----
+
+_Dolly._ But our heads will be so much clearer in the morning----
+
+_Harry._ [_Very solemnly and severely._] My darling, remember what
+Pilcher said about procrastination. And remember our resolutions last
+night. If we break them on the first night of the year, where shall we
+be on the thirty-first of December?
+
+_Dolly._ I'm horribly fagged.
+
+_Harry._ Conquer it! Think how delightful it will be to put your head on
+the pillow to-night, without a single anxiety, without a single
+thought----
+
+_Dolly._ Except my gratitude to you!
+
+_Harry._ Come, dear, no time like the present!
+
+_Dolly._ [_Jumps up very briskly._] No time like the present! [_Looking
+at him with great admiration._] Oh, Harry, what a dear, kind, good
+husband you've always been to me!
+
+_Harry._ Have I, my darling? [_Modestly._] I've done my best----
+
+_Dolly._ How I must have tried you!
+
+_Harry._ No, dear--at least a little sometimes.
+
+_Dolly._ When I think what patience you've had with me, and never
+reproached me----
+
+_Harry._ Well, not often. We've had our little tiffs--That day at
+Goodwood--eh?
+
+_Dolly._ Don't speak of it! I was to blame----
+
+_Harry._ No, dear, I can't let you accuse yourself. I was quite in the
+wrong.
+
+_Dolly._ No, dear, it was my fault entirely!
+
+_Harry._ Well, we won't quarrel about that. Now these bills----
+
+_Dolly._ And what good pals we've been!
+
+_Harry._ And always shall be.      [_Kissing her._
+
+_Dolly._ [_Hugging him._] Oh, you dear!
+
+_Harry._ Now, business, business!
+
+_Dolly._ [_Going up to writing-desk._] What a lucky woman I am!
+
+_Harry._ [_Seated at table._] Bring them all.
+
+_Dolly._ [_Has opened desk and taken up some bills--she looks round
+dubiously at_ HARRY.] What a splendid thing it must be to be a husband
+and have it in your power to make your wife _adore_ you, by simply
+paying a few bills.
+
+_Harry._ Yes--bring them all. [_She comes down with a bundle of about
+fifteen, hands them to him._] Is this all?
+
+_Dolly._ All, of any importance.
+
+_Harry._ I want to see them all.
+
+_Dolly._ So you shall, but we'll go through these first, because
+[_lamely_] if you want to ask any questions we can settle them on the
+spot, can't we?
+
+_Harry._ [_Reading from the bill._] Maison Récamier, Court and artistic
+millinery. By Jove!      [_Looks up._
+
+_Dolly._ What!
+
+_Harry._ One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine--nine
+hats!
+
+_Dolly._ Different kinds of hats.
+
+_Harry._ Yedda straw hat, four guineas, ostrich feather ruffle, twelve
+pounds ten----
+
+_Dolly._ That was the one--you remember--when I came into the room you
+said, "Stay there! Just as you are! I must kiss you!"
+
+_Harry._ Yes, but twelve pounds ten--Moss green chip hat, four,
+fourteen, six. Heliotrope velvet toque----
+
+_Dolly._ That's the dear little toque you admire so much!
+
+_Harry._ Do I? Six guineas! Dear little toque! Hat in white Tegal with
+plumes of Nattier Bleu--fifteen guineas--Fifteen guineas?!
+
+_Dolly._ With plumes! Of Nattier Bleu!
+
+_Harry._ But fifteen guineas!
+
+_Dolly._ Oh, the woman's a fearful swindler! But what are you to do with
+such people?
+
+_Harry._ [_With bill._] Total, sixty-four, seven, six. And I get my one
+silk topper a year, at a guinea, and three and six for doing it up.
+Total for me, one, four, six. Total for you----
+
+_Dolly._ My dear Harry, don't make absurd comparisons!
+
+_Harry._ [_Takes another bill._] John Spearman, artistic gown maker,
+ball gowns, reception gowns, race gowns--Good heavens!
+
+_Dolly._ What's the matter?
+
+_Harry._ Total, five hundred and fifty-six pounds--that can't be right!
+
+_Dolly._ [_Frightened._] No, it can't be! Add it up!
+
+_Harry._ [_Reading._] Tea gown of chiffon taffeta--
+
+_Dolly._ The one I took to Folkestone, you remember?
+
+     [_With a little attempt at a kiss._
+
+_Harry._ [_Gently repulsing her._] No, I don't. [_She puts her arms
+round his neck; he gently pushes her aside._] Business first, please.
+[_Reads._] Gown of white cloth with Postillion coat of Rose du Barri
+silk, motifs of silver, forty-five guineas----
+
+_Dolly._ You won't grumble at that, for when I first put it on, you
+stood and looked at me and said, "I want to know how it is, Doll, that
+the moment a dress gets on to your shoulders, it seems to brisk up, and
+be as cocky and proud of itself----"
+
+     [_Again attempting to embrace him._
+
+_Harry._ [_Again repulsing her._] Yes, well now I do know! Jolly proud
+and cocky your dresses ought to feel at this price! [_Reads._] "Evening
+cloak of strawberry satin charmeuse, trimmed silk passementerie, motifs
+and fringed stoles of dull gold embroidery, thirty-five guineas." What's
+a motif?
+
+_Dolly._ It's a trimming--a lot of little touches--a sort
+of--a--a--a--[_making a little descriptive gesture_] a suggestion--a
+motif----
+
+_Harry._ And Mr. John Spearman's motif is that I should pay him five
+hundred and fifty-six pounds. Well, I don't like Mr. John Spearman's
+motifs, and I'm not going to fall in with them. [_Puts the bill on the
+table rather angrily, takes up another, reads._] "Artistic lingerie!" I
+wonder why all these people call themselves artists! "Underwear of
+daintiness and distinction."
+
+_Dolly._ Well, you've always praised----
+
+_Harry._ Yes. In future, I'm going to be very careful what articles of
+your dress I praise. "Three pairs of blue silk garters, forty-five
+shillings." [_She has settled herself in the armchair, looking a little
+sulky and obstinate, leaning back and pettishly swinging one leg over
+the other._] What have you got to say to that?
+
+_Dolly._ Garters are necessary.
+
+_Harry._ Yes, but why three? And why blue silk? Why don't you speak?
+
+_Dolly._ The garters can speak for themselves!
+
+_Harry._ Very well. Garters that can speak for themselves can pay for
+themselves! [_Dashes the bill on the table, takes up another. Reading._]
+Three bottles coeur de Janette--three bottles Souffle de
+Marguerite--fifteen pounds for scent--and I have to smoke sixpenny
+cigars! And sometimes only fourpenny!
+
+_Dolly._ Well, if you will smoke those horrid strong things you can't
+wonder I have to disinfect the house for you.
+
+_Harry._ Disinfect the house _for_ me! You'll very soon disinfect the
+house _of_ me! [_Glances through the remaining bills, groans, puts them
+on the table, and walks about in despair._ DOLLY _rises and is going
+off._] Where are you going?
+
+_Dolly._ To bed.
+
+_Harry._ [_Stopping her._] No! Now we've begun, we'll go through to the
+bitter end, if you please. I want you to explain----
+
+_Dolly._ My dear Harry, it will be quite useless for me to try to
+explain in your present state----
+
+_Harry._ [_Getting furious._] In my present state----
+
+_Dolly._ Dancing about the room and shouting!----
+
+_Harry._ I'm not shouting!
+
+_Dolly._ You're not shouting?!
+
+_Harry._ No, and if I am, isn't it enough to make a man shout when his
+wife----
+
+     MATT _appears at the door in his dressing-gown and slippers._
+
+_Matt._ Excuse my interrupting. But you know my room is just above this,
+and if you could manage to pitch your voices in rather a softer key----
+
+_Harry._ By Jove, I'd forgotten! We were getting a little noisy. I'm
+awfully sorry.
+
+_Matt._ Don't mention it! The Professor gave me rather a stiff go of his
+Pableine, and I fancy it hasn't agreed with me [_tapping his chest_] for
+I can't get a wink of sleep. Is there a spoonful of whiskey about?
+
+_Harry._ On the sideboard in the dining-room.
+
+_Matt._ Thankee. [_Tapping his chest._] Harry, when you get over fifty,
+don't change your nightcap, or any of your other bad habits.
+
+_Harry._ I won't. Now, Dolly----
+
+_Matt._ [_Anxiously._] You won't perhaps be very long now?
+
+_Dolly._ No, we'd nearly finished----
+
+_Matt._ Nothing serious, I hope?
+
+_Dolly._ Harry doesn't approve of my using scent.
+
+_Harry._ Not in pailfuls. Certainly not.
+
+_Dolly._ I had three small bottles----
+
+_Matt._ Montaigne says that the sweetest perfume a woman can have, is to
+have none at all.      [_Exit._
+
+_Harry._ Now, my darling, we shall best arrive at an understanding if we
+avoid all temper, and discuss it in a calm, business-like way.
+
+_Dolly._ [_A little frightened._] Ye-es----
+
+_Harry._ Very well then, bring up your chair, and let us go into it,
+figure by figure, item by item, and see how we stand.
+
+_Dolly._ Ye-es. [_Bringing a chair a little way._] Harry, you aren't
+going to be as business-like as all that?
+
+_Harry._ As all what?
+
+_Dolly._ I can't discuss it while you keep me at a distance! [_Suddenly
+rushes at him, seats herself on his knee, puts his arm round her waist,
+kisses him._] There! now I feel I can discuss it thoroughly.
+
+_Harry._ Very well [_kisses her_], so long as we do discuss it
+thoroughly.
+
+_Dolly._ I began to get quite frightened of you, Mr. Jobling.
+
+_Harry._ Jobling?
+
+_Dolly._ The man Mr. Pilcher had to get a money-box for, because he
+swore at his wife!
+
+_Harry._ Oh, yes.
+
+_Dolly._ You got so angry--and shouted----
+
+_Harry._ Well, there was no reason for that, especially as getting out
+of temper is _the_ one thing I'm quite resolved to conquer this New
+Year----
+
+_Dolly._ [_Kissing him._] Don't forget that!
+
+_Harry._ [_Kisses her._] Now, business, business! [_Takes up a bill._]
+What have we here? Carchet, gantier et bonnetier, artiste--Hillo, here's
+another artist! In stockings this time. [_Suddenly._] I say!
+
+_Dolly._ [_Frightened._] Eh?
+
+_Harry._ [_Points to an item in bill._] Come now, Dolly--this is really
+too bad--this really is too bad!
+
+_Dolly._ [_Frightened._] What?!
+
+     [_Getting off his knee._
+
+_Harry._ One dozen pairs best silk hose, with clocks----
+
+_Dolly._ Yes--how much does that come to?
+
+_Harry._ Eleven pounds two----
+
+_Dolly._ It does seem rather a high price, but----
+
+     [_Drawing up her dress and showing an inch or two of silk
+     stocking._
+
+_Harry._ You're wearing them about the house?
+
+_Dolly._ I can't go about the house without stockings. And I put them on
+for your especial benefit. [_He utters a contemptuous exclamation._]
+They're a lovely quality----
+
+     [_Drawing up her dress an inch or two higher._
+
+_Harry._ I daresay. [_Turning away._] I'm not going to admire your
+stockings, or your ostrich ruffles, or your blue silk garters, or your
+motifs, or anything that is yours! It's too expensive!
+
+_Dolly._ [_Dress an inch higher, looking down at her stockings._] It's
+the clocks you have to pay for----
+
+_Harry._ I beg your pardon, it's the clocks I haven't got to pay for!
+And don't mean to--if I can help it. Idiotic thing to go and put clocks
+on stockings--[_muttering_] damned silly idiotic----
+
+_Dolly._ Ah! [_Goes to table, brings the hospital box and puts it in
+front of him._] Double fine this time.
+
+_Harry._ What for?
+
+_Dolly._ Naughty swear word, and getting out of temper.
+
+_Harry._ Oh well--[_fumbling in his pocket_] I did say d----, but I
+didn't get out of temper!
+
+_Dolly._ You didn't get out of temper?!?
+
+_Harry._ Not at all. I'm quite calm. [_Sulkily puts a shilling in the
+box._] There! [_Seats himself at table._] Now we'll go quietly and
+methodically through the remainder---- [_Taking up a bill, looks at it,
+exclaims._] Good heavens!
+
+_Dolly._ Good heavens what?
+
+_Harry._ [_In a low exhausted tone with groans._] Good heavens! Good
+heavens! It's absolutely useless--Good heavens!
+
+_Dolly._ But what is it?      [_Coming up, looking over._
+
+_Harry._ [_Points to bill._] Four more hats! Nine on the other
+bill--four more here. Thirteen hats.
+
+_Dolly._ No, one was a toque.
+
+_Harry._ But can you explain?
+
+_Dolly._ Yes. You said yourself that Madame Récamier was horribly
+expensive, so I left her and went to Jacquelin's--just to save your
+pocket----
+
+_Harry._ Never save my pocket again, please.
+
+_Dolly._ Very well, I won't.
+
+_Harry._ No, I daresay you won't, but I shall! I shall draw the strings
+very tightly in future. Save my pocket! [_He is walking about
+distractedly._] Save my pocket.      [_Groans._
+
+_Dolly._ Now, Harry, it's useless to take it in this way--you knew when
+you married me I hadn't got the money sense----
+
+_Harry._ [_Groans._] I hadn't got any sense at all!
+
+_Dolly._ Very likely not. But try and have a little now. What have I
+done? Run a little into debt, solely to please you.
+
+_Harry._ Yes; well, now run out of it, and I shall be better pleased
+still.
+
+_Dolly._ After all, running into debt is a positive virtue beside the
+things that some wives do!
+
+_Harry._ Oh, it's a positive virtue, is it?
+
+_Dolly._ A husband is very lucky when his wife spends most of her time
+running up a few bills. It keeps her out of mischief. I'm sure you ought
+to feel very glad that I'm a little extravagant!
+
+_Harry._ Oh, I am! I am! I'm delighted!
+
+     [_He sits at table, takes out a pencil, hurriedly puts down the
+     amounts of the various bills--she creeps up behind him._
+
+_Dolly._ What are you doing?
+
+_Harry._ I'm totting up to see how lucky I am! Forty-one, one, six----
+[_Groans._] Ninety-four----      [_Groans._
+
+_Dolly._ [_Has crept up behind him, puts her arms round his neck._] Now,
+Harry, will you take my advice----?
+
+_Harry._ No.
+
+_Dolly._ It's past eleven.
+
+     [_Trying to take the pencil out of his hand._
+
+_Harry._ [_Disengaging her arms, speaking very sternly._] Will you have
+the goodness to let me have all your bills, so that I may know what help
+I shall need from my banker?
+
+_Dolly._ Harry, you don't mean that? Oh, that's absurd with our income!
+
+_Harry._ Will you have the goodness to do as I say, and at once, please?
+[_He is dotting down figures. She stands still in the middle of the
+room._] Did you hear me?
+
+     [_She bursts into tears. He turns round and shows symptoms of
+     relenting towards her, but steels himself and turns to the bills.
+     She bursts into renewed tears. He goes on figuring._
+
+_Dolly._ [_Piteously._] Harry! Harry! [_Goes up to him and plucks his
+sleeve._] Harry!
+
+_Harry._ Well?
+
+     [_He turns and looks at her, is about to yield, but resists, turns
+     away from her, settles resolutely to his figures._
+
+_Dolly._ And on the first night of the New Year, too! Just as we were
+going to be so happy! Harry! [_Holds out her arms appealingly._] Harry!
+[HARRY _suddenly turns round and clasps her._] How could you be so
+unkind to me?
+
+_Harry._ Was I? I didn't mean to be. Now! Dry your tears, and help me
+reckon this up----
+
+_Dolly._ Ye-es.
+
+_Harry._ But first of all let me have the remainder of the bills----
+
+_Dolly._ Yes.
+
+_Harry._ At once, my darling--it's getting late.
+
+_Dolly._ Yes. [_Goes up to desk._] You won't reproach me?
+
+_Harry._ Of course I won't.
+
+_Dolly._ I can bear anything except your reproaches. Promise you won't
+reproach me.
+
+_Harry._ I won't, unless----
+
+_Dolly._ Unless what?
+
+_Harry._ It's something too awful.
+
+_Dolly._ Oh, it isn't. Not at all. Not at all. [_Goes up to the desk,
+brings down about ten more bills with great affected cheerfulness._]
+There! You see, it's nothing.
+
+_Harry._ [_Hastily looking at the totals._] Nothing? You call these
+nothing!!?
+
+_Dolly._ Nothing to speak about--nothing awful!
+
+_Harry._ Good heavens! How any woman with the least care for her
+husband, or her home---- [_looking at one total after another_] how any
+woman with the least self-respect---- [DOLLY _goes to him, puts her arms
+round him, tries to embrace--he repulses her._] No, please. I've had
+enough of that old dodge.
+
+_Dolly._ Dodge!
+
+_Harry._ I remember that last two hundred pounds and how you sweedled me
+out of it!
+
+_Dolly._ Sweedled?
+
+_Harry._ Yes! Sweedled!
+
+_Dolly._ There's no such word!
+
+_Harry._ No, but there's the thing! As most husbands know. [_Referring
+to one bill after another, picking out items._] Lace coat, hand-made!
+En-tout-cas, studded cabochons of lapis lazuli--studded
+cabochons--studded cabochons!
+
+_Dolly._ [_Has quietly seated herself, and is looking at the ceiling._]
+Couldn't you manage to pitch your voice in rather a softer key?
+
+_Harry._ [_Comes angrily down to her, bills in hand, speaks in a
+whisper, very rapidly and fiercely._] Yes! And I say that a woman who
+goes and runs up bills like these, [_dashing the back of one hand
+against the bills in the other_] while her husband is smoking threepenny
+cigars, will very soon bring herself and him to one of those new
+palatial workhouses where, thank heaven, the cuisine and appointments
+are now organized with a view of providing persons of your tastes with
+every luxury at the ratepayers' expense. [_Returns angrily to the bills,
+turns them over._] Irish lace bolero! [_Turns to another._] Fur motor
+coat, fifty-five guineas----
+
+_Dolly._ [_Calmly gazing at the ceiling._] You told me to look as smart
+as Mrs. Colefield.
+
+_Harry._ Not at that price! If I'd known what that motor tour would cost
+by Jove! I'd----
+
+_Dolly._ You're getting noisy again. You'll wake my father.
+
+_Harry._ He ought to be waked! He ought to know what his daughter is
+saddling me with.
+
+_Dolly._ Very well, if you don't care how shabby I look----
+
+_Harry._ Shabby! [_Referring to bills._] Lace demi-toilette! Point de
+Venise lace Directoire coat! Shabby?
+
+_Dolly._ My dear Harry, do you suppose we shall ever agree as to what
+constitutes shabbiness?
+
+_Harry._ No, I'm hanged if we ever shall!
+
+_Dolly._ Then suppose we drop the subject. For the future I shall
+endeavor to please you entirely.
+
+_Harry._ Oh, you will?
+
+_Dolly._ By dressing so that you'll be ashamed to be seen in the same
+street with me. I shall make myself a perfect fright--a perfect dowdy--a
+perfect draggletail!
+
+_Harry._ Then I shall not be seen in the same street with you.
+
+_Dolly._ You won't?
+
+_Harry._ No, my dear. Make no mistake about that!
+
+_Dolly._ You'll be seen with somebody else, perhaps?
+
+_Harry._ Very likely.
+
+_Dolly._ Have you met Miss Smithson again?
+
+_Harry._ Not since the last time.
+
+_Dolly._ Have you seen her since we were at Folkestone?
+
+_Harry._ What's that to do with your bills?
+
+_Dolly._ A great deal. That night at dinner she told you her dress
+allowance was a hundred and twenty a year, and you said you wished she'd
+give me a few lessons in economy.
+
+_Harry._ I did not.
+
+_Dolly._ Pardon me, you did!
+
+_Harry._ Pardon me, I did not. I said she might give _some_ women a
+lesson in economy.
+
+_Dolly._ You did not! I heard every word of your conversation, and you
+distinctly asked her to give me, your wife, a few lessons in economy.
+
+_Harry._ I'll swear I didn't!
+
+_Dolly._ Ask my father! He was there.
+
+_Harry._ Very well! I'll ask him the first thing in the morning.
+
+_Dolly._ No, to-night! You've accused me of deliberately saying what
+isn't true, and I----
+
+_Harry._ I have not!
+
+_Dolly._ Yes, you have. And I insist on having it cleared up to-night! I
+don't suppose he's asleep! Fetch him down!
+
+_Harry._ Very well! I will fetch him down!      [_Exit._
+
+_Dolly._ [_Paces furiously up and down._] Me! Lessons in economy!
+Lessons in economy! Me! Lessons in economy!
+
+     _Re-enter_ HARRY.
+
+_Harry._ He'll be down in a minute! Meantime, [_very angry_] I want to
+know what any woman in this world wants with two dozen cache corsets?
+
+     [_Banging his free hand on the bills._
+
+_Dolly._ We'll clear up Miss Smithson first----
+
+_Harry._ No, we will not clear up Miss Smithson----
+
+_Dolly._ Because you can't clear up Miss Smithson----
+
+_Harry._ I can clear up Miss Smithson----
+
+_Dolly._ You cannot clear up Miss Smithson----
+
+     MATT _appears at door in dressing-gown, rubbing his eyes and
+     looking very sleepy._
+
+Dad, you remember Miss Smithson----
+
+_Matt._ [_Coming in, very sleepy._] Smithson?
+
+_Dolly._ The girl at the hotel at Folkestone, that Harry paid so much
+attention to.
+
+_Harry._ I paid no more attention to Miss Smithson than was absolutely
+necessary. Did I, Mr. Barron?
+
+_Dolly._ Oh! Oh! Dad, you remember----
+
+_Matt._ Not for the moment----
+
+_Dolly._ Not the disgraceful way Harry--there's no other word--carried
+on!
+
+_Harry._ I did not carry on--Mr. Barron, I appeal to you.
+
+_Dolly._ Dad!
+
+_Matt._ My dear, I certainly did not notice----
+
+_Dolly._ No, he was far too careful to let anyone notice it, except his
+own wife!
+
+_Harry._ You lay your life when I do carry on my wife will be the last
+person I shall allow to notice it!
+
+_Dolly._ I daresay! Dad, did you hear that?
+
+_Matt._ Yes. [_Rousing himself a little._] Now, Harry, what about this
+Miss Smithson?
+
+_Harry._ That's what I want to know!
+
+_Matt._ Who is Miss Smithson?
+
+_Dolly._ Surely you remember that lanky girl----
+
+_Harry._ Miss Smithson is not lanky----
+
+_Dolly._ Not lanky? Not lanky?! You can't have any eyes----!
+
+_Harry._ That's what I've often thought----
+
+_Dolly._ [_Explodes._] Oh! Oh! Dad!
+
+_Matt._ Come, Harry, let's clear this up. [_Suddenly._] Smithson? Oh
+yes! The girl who sat on your left at your dinner party----
+
+_Dolly._ That's the one!
+
+_Matt._ I should call her a trifle lanky, Harry.
+
+_Dolly._ A trifle? Well, never mind! You remember that dinner party----
+
+_Matt._ [_Cautiously._] Ye-es.
+
+_Dolly._ You remember how she waited for a lull in the talk, and then
+she said with that silly, simpering, appealing look----
+
+_Harry._ Miss Smithson's look is not silly or simpering.
+
+_Dolly._ Well, it's appealing, isn't it?
+
+_Harry._ [_With a little chuckle._] Oh, yes, it's appealing.
+
+_Dolly._ [_Enraged._] Oh! Dad!
+
+_Matt._ [_Quiets her._] Shush!--What did she say?
+
+_Dolly._ She said with a very marked glance at me, "My dress allowance
+is a hundred and twenty a year, and I don't understand how any
+reasonable woman can wish for more!" What do you think of that?
+
+_Matt._ Well, if she did say that, and if she glanced at you, it----
+
+_Dolly._ Yes?
+
+_Matt._ It wasn't very nice of her.
+
+_Dolly._ Nice? It was an insult! A direct, intentional, abominable
+insult, wasn't it?
+
+_Matt._ Yes, yes, decidedly, under the circumstances----
+
+_Dolly._ And Harry ought to have resented it?
+
+_Matt._ At his own dinner table he couldn't, could he?
+
+_Dolly._ Yes! At least, if he couldn't resent it, he ought to have
+_shown_ that he resented it. Instead of that, he actually asked her to
+give me a few lessons in economy!
+
+_Harry._ I did not!
+
+_Dolly._ Pardon me, you did! Me! his wife! Lessons in economy!
+
+_Harry._ And a thundering good thing if she had given you a few before
+you ran up these bills!
+
+     [_Dashes his hand on to the bills._
+
+_Dolly._ There! You hear?!
+
+_Matt._ Come, Harry, you oughtn't to have asked another woman to give
+your wife lessons in economy.
+
+_Harry._ I didn't!
+
+_Dolly._ Dad! You were there----
+
+_Matt._ Yes, but I don't quite remember----
+
+_Dolly._ You don't remember?! Surely you can remember a simple thing
+like that when your own daughter tells you it was so!
+
+_Matt._ Now, Harry, what did you really say to Miss Smithson?
+
+_Harry._ I said she might give _some_ women a lesson in economy.
+
+_Matt._ Not meaning Dolly?
+
+     [_Giving him a wink to say "No."_
+
+_Harry._ No-o.
+
+_Dolly._ Then whom did he mean? Lessons in economy? Whom _could_ he mean
+if he didn't mean me?
+
+_Harry._ Just so!
+
+_Dolly._ Ah! There! You see, he owns it!
+
+_Matt._ No, no, I'm sure he doesn't mean it! Did you, Harry?
+
+     [_Winking at_ HARRY.
+
+_Dolly._ Then will he please say what he really does mean?
+
+_Matt._ Now, Harry, what do you really mean?
+
+_Harry._ Well, you remember that night of the dinner party at
+Folkestone.
+
+_Matt._ [_Cautiously._] Ye-es.
+
+_Harry._ After they'd all gone you and I went into the smoking-room,
+didn't we?
+
+_Matt._ [_Cautiously._] Ye-es.
+
+_Harry._ And you said, "Doll's in one of her high gales again!"
+
+_Dolly._ High gales?! [_Indignant._] Father! You didn't say that?
+
+_Matt._ No, no, my dear----
+
+_Harry._ Excuse me, those were your exact words. High gales!
+
+_Matt._ I don't remember.
+
+_Dolly._ No, you don't remember anything.
+
+_Harry._ You said, "What on earth was up between her and Miss Smithson
+at dinner?"
+
+_Dolly._ You see! That proves exactly what I said!
+
+_Harry._ No, by Jove, it proves that your father noticed what a
+confounded, cussed----
+
+_Dolly._ Go on! Go on! Say it!
+
+_Matt._ Shush! Shush! Well, Harry, what did you say?
+
+_Harry._ Well, not wishing to give Dolly away----
+
+_Dolly._ Ha! ha! Not wishing to give me away!
+
+_Harry._ Not then! But, by Jove, if any decent chap were to come along
+now----
+
+_Dolly._ [_Exploding._] There! There! [_To_ MATT.] And you sit there and
+hear my own husband insult me in my own house!
+
+_Matt._ No! No!
+
+_Dolly._ But there you sit! There you sit!
+
+_Matt._ [_Jumps up fiercely._] Now, Harry!
+
+_Harry._ [_Fiercely._] Well, now, Mr. Barron----
+
+_Dolly._ Why don't you defend me? Why don't you demand an apology?
+
+_Matt._ What for?
+
+_Dolly._ For everything! For to-night! For that night at Folkestone!
+
+_Harry._ That night at Folkestone! Why, your father was quite on my
+side----
+
+_Matt._ What?
+
+_Dolly._ He wasn't; were you, Dad?
+
+_Matt._ No--no.
+
+_Harry._ What? [_Fiercely._] Do you remember exactly what passed between
+us in the smoking-room, Mr. Barron?
+
+_Matt._ No.
+
+_Harry._ Then I'll tell you----
+
+_Matt._ [_Retreating towards door._] No--no--I don't want to know----
+
+_Harry._ [_Following him up, shouting a little._] You said, "I know what
+she's like in her high gales! I remember what the little devil was like
+at home."
+
+_Dolly._ [_Pursuing him up to door._] Father! You didn't say that!
+
+_Matt._ No--no, my darling--quite a mistake--quite a mistake--altogether
+a mistake.
+
+     [_Gets thankfully off at back._
+
+_Dolly._ [_Calls after him._] Then why don't you stay and tell him so!
+
+_Harry._ [_Shouts after_ MATT.] It's not a mistake!
+
+_Dolly._ [_Calls after_ MATT.] It's cowardly of you to leave me here to
+be insulted.
+
+_Harry._ [_Goes up to door, shouts._] It's not a mistake! You patted me
+on the back and said, "Poor chap! Poor chap!" You know you did! [_Closes
+the door, comes fiercely down to_ DOLLY.] It's not a mistake! He could
+see you had insulted Miss Smithson.
+
+_Dolly._ I had not insulted her! I was far too civil to her, considering
+that the next evening you took her out on the Leas, when you ought to
+have been at billiards----
+
+_Harry._ I took her out on the Leas!
+
+_Dolly._ Yes! You weren't in the billiard-room! So where were you? Where
+were you?
+
+_Harry._ I jolly well don't know, and I--I----
+
+_Dolly._ Say it! Say it!
+
+_Harry._ I damned well don't care!
+
+_Dolly._ Ah!
+
+     [_She seizes the box, brings it up to him, puts it irritatingly in
+     front of him; he seizes it, they struggle for it, trying to take
+     it out of each other's hands; she screams, he tries to get it;
+     there is a scuffle round the room; he tries to rub her knuckles;
+     she makes a little feint to bite him; in the struggle the box drops
+     on the floor a little below the table, right._
+
+_Dolly._ Jobling! Jobling! Jobling!
+
+_Harry._ Now, madam, for the last time, have I all your bills?
+
+_Dolly._ Jobling! Jobling! Jobling!
+
+_Harry._ Have I all your bills?
+
+_Dolly._ Jobling! Jobling! Jobling!
+
+_Harry._ Once more, madam, have I all your bills?
+
+_Dolly._ No, you haven't!
+
+_Harry._ Then please hand them over to me this instant, so that I may
+take proceedings.
+
+_Dolly._ [_Laughing._] Proceedings! Ha! Take your proceedings!
+
+_Harry._ By Jove! I will take proceedings.
+
+_Dolly._ Take them! Take them!
+
+_Harry._ [_Walking about furiously with the bills._] So this is the way
+the money goes! [_Banging the bills._] While I have to smoke twopenny
+cigars! And can't get a decent dinner!
+
+_Dolly._ You can't get a decent dinner?
+
+_Harry._ No! Look at those messes last night. They weren't fit for a
+cook-shop.
+
+_Dolly._ Oh! Oh! Oh! Get a housekeeper! Get a housekeeper!
+
+_Harry._ By Jove! that's what I mean to do!
+
+_Dolly._ Have Miss Smithson! Send for her to-morrow morning! I'll hand
+her over the keys!
+
+_Harry._ [_Shouting._] And please hand me over the rest of your bills!
+The rest of your bills, madam!
+
+     [DOLLY _marches up to the desk._
+
+     MATT _appears at door in dressing-gown._
+
+_Matt._ I can't get a wink of sleep----
+
+     [DOLLY _takes out about twenty more bills._
+
+_Harry._ I insist on seeing the whole lot! So there!
+
+_Dolly._ [_Flourishing the bills, strewing them on the floor._] Well
+there! And there! And there! And there! Now you've got the whole lot!
+And I hope you're satisfied. I'm going into Renie's room!      [_Exit._
+
+_Harry._ I insist on your going through these bills----
+
+     [_Following her off. Their voices are heard retreating upstairs_,
+     DOLLY _saying_, "go through the bills! Send for Miss Smithson! Have
+     her here to-morrow morning! Take your proceedings," HARRY _saying_,
+     "I insist on going through the bills to-night! Do you hear, madam,
+     I insist! Will you come down and go through these bills," etc.
+
+_Matt._ [_Listens, as their voices die away. When the voices have
+ceased, he surveys the scene._] We're making a splendid start for the
+New Year!
+
+     [_Sees the box on the floor, picks it up, carefully places it on
+     table and goes off._
+
+
+CURTAIN.
+
+
+
+
+(_A year passes between Acts III and IV._)
+
+ACT IV.
+
+
+SCENE: _The same._
+
+TIME: _Afternoon of January 1st, 1908._
+
+     _Enter_ LUCAS, _followed by_ CRIDDLE. LUCAS _has his left
+     collar-bone broken, and his arm is strapped across his breast; his
+     coat is buttoned loosely over the arm, the left sleeve hanging
+     down._
+
+_Lucas._ They've gone to meet me?
+
+_Criddle._ Yes, sir.
+
+_Lucas._ By the road?
+
+_Criddle._ Yes, sir.
+
+_Lucas._ That's how I've missed them. My car broke down the other side
+of the clump, and so I walked over the fields.
+
+_Criddle._ Yes, sir. I beg pardon, I hope the arm isn't serious.
+
+_Lucas._ No, Criddle. Just serious enough to get me a couple of months'
+leave, so that I could spend the New Year in England.
+
+_Criddle._ You had it very hot in India, I suppose, sir?
+
+_Lucas._ Blazing!
+
+_Criddle._ We've got the same old weather here, you see, sir.
+
+_Lucas._ Same old weather! Had any visitors for Christmas, Criddle?
+
+_Criddle._ Mr. Barron, of course, and Professor and Mrs. Sturgess.
+
+_Lucas._ Same old visitors--same visitors, I should say. Mr. Pilcher
+still Vicar here, I suppose?
+
+_Criddle._ Yes, sir. He gave us a wonderful sermon at the old year's
+service last night.
+
+_Lucas._ Same old sermon!
+
+_Criddle._ No, sir. Not exactly the same sermon, though it had similar
+points to last year. Ah! You came over for the old year's service last
+year?
+
+_Lucas._ Yes, and a rattling good sermon it was!
+
+_Criddle._ Very powerful and persuading, wasn't it, sir? It even touched
+me up a bit.
+
+_Lucas._ In what way, Criddle?
+
+_Criddle._ I used to have my ten bob on any horse as I fancied, but I
+never put a farthing on anything--not even on Sulky Susan for the Oaks.
+
+_Lucas._ You didn't?
+
+_Criddle._ No, and thank God, in a manner of speaking, that I didn't,
+for she never pulled it off. I owe that to Mr. Pilcher. No, I never
+touched a thing till the Leger. That reminds me----
+
+_Lucas._ What, Criddle?
+
+_Criddle._ Why, last year, after Mr. Pilcher's sermon, the master had a
+collecting box, and when he found himself going a bit off the straight
+he used to put in a shilling or half-a-crown for Mr. Pilcher's blanket
+fund----
+
+_Lucas._ Yes, of course! And Uncle Matt promised him a sovereign for
+each of us if we had carried out our good resolutions. Is that coming
+off, Criddle?
+
+_Criddle._ I expect it is, sir. Mr. Pilcher is coming here this
+afternoon, and the master told me to be sure and find the box before he
+gets here.
+
+_Lucas._ Find the box?
+
+_Criddle._ Nobody has seen anything of it for some months. Excuse me,
+sir, I must look for it.
+
+     [_Exit_ CRIDDLE.
+
+     LUCAS _takes out letter from an unsealed envelope, glances through
+     it, sits at table, takes out pencil, adds a short note, puts letter
+     in envelope, seals it up, puts it in his tail pocket, goes to
+     conservatory, looks in._ RENIE _enters at door behind him. She
+     starts, as he turns round._
+
+_Renie._ [_In a whisper._] You're here already?
+
+_Lucas._ Yes----
+
+_Renie._ Your wound?
+
+_Lucas._ Much better. Nearly well.
+
+_Renie._ I'm so glad----
+
+_Lucas._ I'm not. I shall have to cut it back to India directly. Why
+didn't you answer my last letter?
+
+_Renie._ I did--and tore it up.
+
+_Lucas._ Tore it up?
+
+_Renie._ What's the use? I told you last year we could never be anything
+to each other!
+
+_Lucas._ But you didn't mean it?
+
+     [_He seizes her hand and kisses it several times._
+
+_Renie._ [_Feebly attempting to withdraw it._] Yes--yes, I did. Hush!
+
+_Lucas._ I want you to read this.      [_Shows her the letter._
+
+_Matt._ [_Heard through the door which is open a few inches._] Have you
+found the box, Criddle?
+
+_Criddle._ No, sir. I've hunted everywhere.
+
+_Matt._ Have another look. We must have it ready for Mr. Pilcher.
+
+     MATT _enters. Meantime_ RENIE _has crept to upper conservatory door
+     and gone off signing to_ LUCAS _to keep silence. He has taken the
+     letter out of his pocket and held it up for her to see, putting it
+     back before_ MATT _enters._
+
+_Matt._ Ah, Lucas. So you've got here. Happy New Year!
+
+_Lucas._ Happy New Year, Uncle Matt.
+
+     [_Cordially shaking hands._
+
+_Matt._ Glad to see you back in England.
+
+_Lucas._ Glad to be back!
+
+_Matt._ How's the arm?
+
+_Lucas._ Splendid--nearly well. Dolly and Harry all right?
+
+_Matt._ First rate. They'll be here directly.
+
+_Lucas._ The Sturgesses are here again, Criddle tells me.
+
+_Matt._ Ye-es.
+
+_Lucas._ Gray matter still going strong?
+
+_Matt._ Booming.
+
+_Lucas._ How's Mrs. Sturgess?
+
+_Matt._ As usual, a little inclined to flop about and play act----
+
+_Lucas._ Yes. Jolly good-looking woman though, eh?
+
+_Matt._ Very. Lucas----
+
+_Lucas._ Well?
+
+_Matt._ You're quite cured, eh?
+
+_Lucas._ Cured?
+
+_Matt._ Of your infatuation for her.
+
+_Lucas._ Infatuation? Well, I admired her, and perhaps it was lucky I
+was ordered out to India----
+
+_Matt._ I managed that for you, my boy.
+
+_Lucas._ You did!?
+
+_Matt._ Sir John wanted a smart A.D.C., so I drove over to Aldershot,
+urged your claims, and got you the appointment.
+
+_Lucas._ So that was why I was packed off. It was you who----
+
+_Matt._ Aren't you thankful I did?
+
+_Lucas._ Yes, much obliged to you, much obliged!
+
+_Matt._ So you ought to be. And so's the lady.
+
+_Lucas._ Is she?
+
+_Matt._ Yes. When we got your wire yesterday saying you'd motor down
+to-day, Dolly had a long talk with her, and the result was she thanked
+Dolly and me for getting you out of the way and saving her from you.
+
+_Lucas._ Did she?
+
+_Matt._ Yes, for twenty minutes. She kissed Dolly, and I think she would
+have kissed me, only I didn't feel myself quite worthy.
+
+_Lucas._ Oh, so that's all settled!
+
+_Matt._ That's all settled. At least, let's hope so.
+
+_Lucas._ What do you mean?
+
+_Matt._ Well, you won't come----
+
+_Lucas._ What?
+
+_Matt._ The same old game.
+
+_Lucas._ What same old game?
+
+_Matt._ Why, _the_ same old game!
+
+_Lucas._ You must be judging me by yourself, when you were young.
+
+_Matt._ My dear boy, that's just what I am doing. Lucas, there's not
+going to be any repetition----
+
+_Lucas._ No--no.
+
+_Matt._ Because it isn't the right thing to do, is it?
+
+_Lucas._ No.
+
+_Matt._ Very well then, don't do it!
+
+_Lucas._ I won't! [_Listening._] Ah! [DOLLY _and_ HARRY'S _voices heard
+in hall_] Dolly and Harry!
+
+     DOLLY _and_ HARRY _enter very lovingly._
+
+_Lucas._ Hillo, Doll, old girl! Happy New Year!
+
+_Dolly._ Happy New Year, Lu!
+
+_Lucas._ Harry, old brick, how goes it?
+
+_Harry._ Splendid!
+
+_Lucas._ Happy New Year!
+
+_Harry._ Happy New Year! [_Looking lovingly at_ DOLLY.] By Jove, Doll,
+you can foot it. [_To_ LUCAS.] Doll and I have just raced up from the
+farm. She licked me! bless her!
+
+_Dolly._ Yes, because you encouraged me!
+
+_Harry._ [_Looking at her lovingly and admiringly, kisses her
+heartily._] There aren't many things this little woman can't do.
+
+_Dolly._ When you encourage me!
+
+_Harry._ Oh, I'll encourage you!
+
+     [_He again kisses her heartily._
+
+_Harry._ Well, Lu, old boy, glad to see you home again. Arm pretty bad?
+
+_Lucas._ No, nearly well, unfortunately.
+
+_Dolly._ Down for the day?
+
+_Lucas._ Well, now my car has broken down, I was wondering if you'd put
+me up----
+
+_Dolly._ [_Firmly._] No. We shall be pleased for you to stay to dinner.
+
+_Harry._ There's the spare room, Doll.
+
+_Dolly._ [_Firmly._] No. That may be wanted for Renie or myself.
+
+_Harry._ [_Half aside to her._] I say, not for you, old girl!
+
+_Lucas._ Oh, well, I shall have to get a shake-down at the Red Lion.
+
+     _Enter_ RENIE _at back, still in outdoor clothes._
+
+_Renie._ [_Feigning a little surprise._] Captain Wentworth! A happy New
+Year!
+
+_Lucas._ Happy New Year, Mrs. Sturgess.
+
+     [_Shaking hands._
+
+_Renie._ So sorry to hear of your wound!
+
+_Lucas._ Oh, it's healed, thank you.
+
+_Renie._ I'm so glad. Shall you be making a long stay in England?
+
+_Lucas._ I fear only a few days longer.
+
+_Renie._ I'm sorry your visit will be so short.
+
+     CRIDDLE _enters triumphantly with the hospital box which is
+     very mouldy and dusty--he has also duster in his hand._
+
+_Criddle._ I've found him, sir--
+
+_Matt._ Rather mouldy, eh?
+
+_Criddle._ Oh, we'll soon put that to rights, sir.
+
+     [_Begins to dust the box carefully._
+
+_Matt._ Looks well for your household discipline here, Harry.
+
+_Harry._ How?
+
+_Matt._ You've had no occasion to use him lately.
+
+_Criddle._ [_Displaying the box, having carefully dusted it._] There he
+is, sir, Hospital for Incurables! Nearly as good as new.
+
+_Matt._ Where did you find him?
+
+_Criddle._ In the wine-cellar, of all places! I was getting out a bottle
+of the sixty-eight port for New Year's night, and happening to put my
+hand behind, there he was!
+
+_Harry._ [_Has a sudden gesture of remembrance._] Yes, I remember!
+
+_Matt._ What should incurables be doing in the wine-cellar? [_Holds out
+his hand to_ CRIDDLE _for the box._ CRIDDLE, _who has been holding it
+carefully, gives it to_ MATT. _Exit_ CRIDDLE. MATT _gives the box a
+shake. It rattles as if half full of coins. He shakes it again, more
+violently; it rattles again._] Internal organs sound healthy. How did he
+get into the wine-cellar, Harry?
+
+_Harry._ Well, Dolly and I had been having a little tiff one
+morning--nothing serious----
+
+_Matt._ No. When was that?
+
+_Harry._ March, wasn't it?
+
+_Dolly._ May, I think----
+
+_Harry._ No, it wasn't that one--Well, never mind, I got so riled at
+Dolly always poking this box in front of me whenever I happened to--so I
+thought the wine-cellar would be the safest place for it.
+
+_Matt._ [_Gives it another rattle._] Well, here he is, turned up just at
+the right moment! And here you all are, Dolly, Harry, Lucas, Mrs.
+Sturgess--all clamouring for me to redeem my promise and put in a
+sovereign for each of you.
+
+     CRIDDLE _appears at door announcing_ MR. PILCHER. PILCHER _enters
+     with four oblong brown paper parcels of equal size. Exit_
+     CRIDDLE.
+
+_Pilcher._ Happy New Year to you all! Excuse me. [_Depositing his
+parcels._] My New Year's gifts to a few of my parishioners!
+
+_Dolly._ New Year's gifts!
+
+_Pilcher._ To those who need them. [_Shaking hands with her._] Happy New
+Year, Mr. Barron!
+
+     [_Shaking hands._
+
+_Matt._ Happy New Year!
+
+_Pilcher._ How do this morning, Telfer! [HARRY _nods._] My dear Mrs.
+Sturgess!      [_Shaking hands._
+
+_Renie._ Happy New Year! What a lovely sermon you gave us again last
+night!
+
+_Pilcher._ Lovely! Well, say healthy, bracing.
+
+_Harry._ A jolly good rouser again. Made me feel--well----
+
+     [_Gives himself a shake._
+
+_Pilcher._ Ah, Captain Wentworth, happy New Year!
+
+_Lucas._ [_Shaking hands._] Happy New Year!
+
+_Pilcher._ I heard you were wounded----
+
+_Lucas._ Oh, that's done with.
+
+_Matt._ We were just talking about our New Year's inquest----
+
+_Pilcher._ Inquest?!
+
+_Matt._ Into the characters of Dolly and Harry and----
+
+     [_Glancing at_ RENIE _and_ LUCAS.
+
+_Dolly._ Oh, please don't talk about inquests. Nobody's character is
+dead here.
+
+_Matt._ I hope not! We shall see----
+
+_Lucas._ Uncle, you don't really mean----
+
+_Matt._ It was a bona fide bargain on my side, but if you wish to avoid
+any awkward little exposures, or if Mr. Pilcher will kindly waive his
+claims to my contributions----
+
+_Pilcher._ I'm afraid I can't. I have come here for the express purpose
+of bearing away my trophy--Ah! [_Seeing box on table, takes it, gives it
+a shake; his features assume a pleasant smile._] It seems to have proved
+a very wholesome household regulator.
+
+_Harry._ Yes, by Jove! It hadn't been in the house twenty-four hours
+before I put in a sovereign.
+
+_Pilcher._ A sovereign?
+
+_Harry._ The first night of last year Dolly and I had a little
+tiff--nothing serious--and so the next morning I made it up and--didn't
+I, Dolly?----
+
+_Dolly._ You did! And paid my bills like a lamb, you dear!
+
+_Pilcher._ And put in a sovereign? [_Rattles the box again._] I won't
+say "Don't have any more household tiffs," but I will say "Don't omit to
+liquidate them." [_Gives the box another rattle._] The box must have
+been in pretty constant use since----
+
+_Harry._ Ye-es.
+
+     PROFESSOR STURGESS _enters at back, with the proofs of his book
+     in his hand._
+
+_Prof._ How do you do?
+
+_Pilcher._ [_Has put down box._] How do you do? [_Shaking hands._] Happy
+New Year!
+
+_Prof._ Happy New Year to you! [_To_ LUCAS.] How d'ye do?
+
+_Lucas._ First rate. Happy New Year!
+
+     [_Shaking hands._
+
+_Prof._ Thank you. An accident?
+
+_Lucas._ Bit of one. Getting over it.
+
+_Prof._ If I might recommend the constant use of Pableine.
+
+_Lucas._ Oh, thanks, it's quite well----
+
+_Prof._ Try Pableine. It's a wonderful restorative. I'm intruding----
+
+     [_Looking round._
+
+_Pilcher._ Not at all. We were just about to settle the question Mr.
+Barron raised last New Year's day----
+
+_Prof._ Oh, yes; I remember! Curiously enough I have only this morning
+received the proofs of my new volume, "Free Will, the Illusion."
+
+     [_Showing the proofs to_ PILCHER.
+
+_Pilcher._ Very interesting. I should like to discuss the matter with
+you, but [_taking out watch_] I have so many New Year's calls to make.
+[_Looking at_ MATT.] Perhaps we ought to get on with the--a----
+
+_Matt._ Inquest.
+
+_Pilcher._ Vindication.
+
+_Matt._ [_Accepting the correction._] Vindication.
+
+_Prof._ I may perhaps be allowed to point out that Mr. Barron's novel
+and humorous experiment can in no sense be said to settle, or even to
+touch, the question of Free Will, which as I have proved here depends
+upon----      [_Again offering the proof._
+
+_Pilcher._ I should like to look through those sheets, but----
+
+     [_Glancing at_ MATT.
+
+_Prof._ You shall! I have put the whole argument into the concrete case
+of Sarah Mumford----
+
+_Pilcher._ Sarah Mumford?
+
+_Prof._ The baby farmer----
+
+_Matt._ Sarah's gray matter gone watery?
+
+_Prof._ Not watery, but she had a yellow effusion----
+
+_Matt._ I suppose that's just as bad?
+
+_Prof._ Quite.
+
+_Matt._ What did they do with her?
+
+_Prof._ They hanged her. They then discovered extensive lesions and this
+yellow effusion----
+
+_Matt._ Pity they didn't discover that before they hanged her.
+
+_Prof._ My exact point! Where is the justice of punishing a woman whose
+gray matter functions perversely? It is nothing short of a crime.
+
+_Dolly._ But she had suffocated five dear little babies?
+
+_Matt._ How could she avoid suffocating babies if she had a yellow
+effusion in her brain?
+
+_Prof._ Precisely my argument----
+
+    [_Puts his proofs into_ MATT'S _hands. Points out a passage_. MATT, _a
+    little embarrassed, takes them, looks through them._]
+
+_Prof._ The point I wish to establish is this. While we all allow that
+extensive or recognizable diseases of, or injuries to, the brain, free a
+man from responsibility and punishment, how can we logically mete out
+blame or praise, punishment or reward to our ordinary acts, thoughts,
+and impulses, seeing that all our acts, thoughts, and impulses, good or
+bad, virtuous or criminal, are equally the mere expressions of certain
+inevitable physical changes in the brain, the mere register on the dial
+plate of consciousness of necessary predetermined complications in the
+working of certain atoms of the gray matter of our cortex?
+
+_Matt._ Quite so! Quite so! [DOLLY _is about to speak, but_ MATT _hushes
+her down with a warning look and sign._] The Professor wants to say with
+Socrates that no man would be such a fool as to do wrong, if he could
+possibly help it.
+
+_Prof._ Well, if you like to put it that way----
+
+_Pilcher._ And now perhaps we might proceed. Can you remember the exact
+terms, Mr. Barron?
+
+_Matt._ I am to pay a sovereign for everyone of your hearers who has so
+far benefited by the wise admonitions of your last year's sermon as to
+have broken off his bad habits, or some especial bad habit----
+
+_Lucas._ We aren't bound to say what the habit is that we've broken
+off?
+
+_Matt._ I don't wish to be inquisitive, but if you don't mention the
+particular bad habit, you will have to give me your word of honor that
+you've conquered it. [_Putting down proofs on table, taking up the
+money-box, giving it a shake._] Now, who will be first to step into the
+confessional?      [_Looking round._
+
+_Dolly._ I will. As I've nothing to confess.
+
+_Matt._ Nothing?
+
+_Dolly._ No. I had what some husbands might think a bad habit, but----
+
+_Harry._ No bills this Christmas, eh, Doll?
+
+_Dolly._ No.
+
+_Harry._ You're sure now, my darling?
+
+_Dolly._ None of any importance.
+
+_Harry._ What do you mean of any importance?
+
+_Dolly._ Well, you must have some bills--they grow up before you
+know--such as Doctors' bills--you can't settle them all on the spur of
+the moment, but I've nothing--nothing of importance. So please put in
+your sovereign for me, Dad, and look pleasant about it.
+
+_Matt._ You declare upon your word of honor that you have broken off
+your bad habit of running up bills?
+
+_Dolly._ Yes.
+
+_Matt._ Entirely?
+
+_Dolly._ Yes. You said you wouldn't be inquisitive.
+
+_Matt._ Yes, but----
+
+_Pilcher._ Mrs. Telfer has given her word. I think I may claim one
+victory for free will, [_nodding victoriously at the_ PROFESSOR _who
+shakes his head_], and one sovereign for the Blanket Club.
+
+_Matt._ Hum! [_Draws a sovereign out of his pocket and very reluctantly
+drops it into the box, shakes his head at_ DOLLY _who looks a little
+uncomfortable._] Who volunteers next?
+
+_Renie._ I do. No--I'll wait a little--I want to make sure that I am
+perfectly honest with myself and with everybody.
+
+_Matt._ That perhaps may need a little consideration, Lucas?
+
+_Lucas._ Oh, let Harry have his doing first!
+
+_Matt._ Now, Harry!
+
+_Harry._ Oh, well, here goes! I'm going to make a clean breast. The fact
+is I've made a thundering mess of it.
+
+_Matt._ Ah!
+
+_Harry._ I did begin all right except for a little tiff with Dolly--and
+then I kept on pretty well for some time, and then--well I don't know--I
+seemed to go all to pieces and--[MATT _rattles the money-box._] However,
+better luck this year.
+
+_Pilcher._ Shall we say a little more resolution?
+
+_Harry._ Oh, I mean to pull myself together this year.
+
+_Matt._ Perhaps you tried too much reforming, Harry--too many irons in
+the fire, eh?
+
+_Harry._ Well, it's jolly hard to keep it up. And I'd got pretty slack
+till you woke us up last night--I say, that was a rouser again.
+
+_Pilcher._ It wasn't a very bad sermon, was it? Well now for the
+next year shall we make one especial effort in one especial
+direction--Say----
+
+_Dolly._ Temper, eh, Harry?
+
+_Harry._ Right, old girl! Oh, I mean it.
+
+_Matt._ No victory for free will, and the Blanket Club, this time. Game
+and game, eh? Now which of you two----
+
+     [_Looking at_ RENIE _and_ LUCAS.
+
+_Renie._ I'll be your first victim. [_Coming into the middle of the
+room, and posing._] It's so strange that what you started as a jest----
+
+_Matt._ Oh no, in deadly earnest I assure you.
+
+_Renie._ In this life who knows what is jest and what is earnest? The
+least little innocent thing may turn to a tragedy in a moment----
+
+_Matt._ Surely you haven't had any little tragedies?
+
+_Renie._ No, last year a mere little circumstance might have turned to a
+tragedy--honestly I wasn't to blame, but perhaps I was a little
+careless, and two dear friends came to me with their counsel, and what
+might have been a tragedy was turned to a comedy, thanks to those two
+dear friends!
+
+_Prof._ My dear, may I ask "what circumstance" you are alluding to?
+
+_Matt._ We said we wouldn't be inquisitive----
+
+_Prof._ No, but I cannot recall anything in my wife's life during the
+last twelve months that even approached a tragedy----
+
+_Renie._ I said the affair was quite unimportant----
+
+_Prof._ Then I wish, my dear, you wouldn't magnify everything, and I
+wish you would read solid scientific works in place of rubbishy French
+novels--and above all, take a little more regular exercise!
+
+_Matt._ Perhaps Mrs. Sturgess may consider that little point during the
+coming year. Meantime, [_To_ RENIE] may we be confident your little
+tragedy is ended----
+
+_Renie._ Oh yes, quite.
+
+_Matt._ We needn't ask its nature, but you give us your word of honor?
+
+     [_Looks at her very searchingly and speaking seriously._]
+
+_Renie._ Yes, my word of honor.
+
+_Matt._ Thank you.
+
+_Pilcher._ Another victory.
+
+_Matt._ [_Looks searchingly at her, drops a sovereign in the box._]
+Lucas?
+
+_Lucas._ [_Coming cheerfully forward._] My turn for the thumbscrew!
+
+_Matt._ You seem very cheerful about it.
+
+_Lucas._ Yes, I'm going to make a jolly good show.
+
+_Matt._ What particular bad habit have you conquered during the past
+year?
+
+_Lucas._ I don't know that I've conquered any one in particular, but
+I've had a regular good go in all round, so altogether I can pat myself
+on the back.
+
+_Matt._ But I want to know one particular habit conquered--for instance,
+you weren't very careful what ladies you made love to, or how many of
+them at the same time----
+
+_Lucas._ I say, Uncle Matt, drop this----
+
+_Matt._ And a year or two ago you went just a little bit off the
+straight----
+
+_Lucas._ Oh no I didn't.
+
+_Matt._ I want to know----
+
+_Lucas._ Thank you, no more thumbscrew. I'm out of this before it goes
+any further.
+
+_Matt._ It isn't going any further. [_Putting his hand on_ LUCAS'S
+_shoulder._] Give me your word of honor----
+
+_Lucas._ That's all very well, it wasn't a very bad case, and I don't
+think you should have brought it up. But as you have--well, I did meet a
+lady, and I was very much attracted to her, but I summoned all my
+resolution, and there the matter ended.
+
+_Pilcher._ I think I may claim a victory here.
+
+_Lucas._ So please put in your sovereign.
+
+_Matt._ [_Very seriously._] If you will give me your word of honor that
+you have absolutely broken off----
+
+_Lucas._ Yes, yes, of course I have.
+
+     [MATT _puts in a sovereign, hands the box to_ PILCHER.
+
+_Pilcher._ Three victories and one draw out of four. Most satisfactory.
+[_Taking out watch._] I must hurry off to the White House and see what
+they're doing there. [_Rattling the box._] Excellent results! So
+excellent that I think I'm justified in making you a little New Year's
+gift.
+
+     [_Going to his heap of brown-paper parcels._
+
+_Dolly._ A New Year's gift! How kind of you! To me?
+
+_Pilcher._ [_Opening his parcel._] To you and your husband. To your
+husband in particular, because, although he may have fallen a little
+short of perfection during the last year--like some of the rest of
+us--yet I feel sure that during this coming year--[_They have all been
+watching him curiously; he has now opened the parcel and displays a very
+bright brand new collecting box, with Crookbury Blanket Club painted on
+it, in large letters. It is much larger than the hospital box._] My
+household regulator!      [_Giving it to_ DOLLY.
+
+_Dolly._ [_Who has shown considerable disappointment on the opening of
+the parcel._] Crookbury Blanket Club! Thank you so much, for Harry's
+sake. Harry! For you, dear.
+
+     [_She gives the box to_ HARRY, _who places it on the same table._]
+
+_Dolly._ You call it the household regulator?
+
+_Pilcher._ Yes--I have suggested it to several of my brethren. Oh, its
+use will become very general throughout the diocese.
+
+_Dolly._ You think it will work well?
+
+_Pilcher._ It cannot fail. A box of this character--larger or smaller,
+according to the size of the family and their behaviour is left at each
+house on the first of the year. All little failings, peccadilloes, and
+asperities are strictly fined. The inevitable result is that either the
+family behaviour improves, or the parish charities benefit. I'm starting
+its operation in my parish to-day. Forgive any inexcusable rudeness in
+leaving the first box with you. I must hurry off! [_Shaking hands._]
+Good-bye, Professor.
+
+_Prof._ I should like to make that point clear with regard to free
+will----
+
+_Pilcher._ When you have an hour, or shall I say a year, to spare, we
+might argue it out----
+
+_Prof._ You're going to the White House? If I might accompany you----
+
+_Pilcher._ Delighted!
+
+     [_Shakes hands in dumb show with_ DOLLY _and_ HARRY.
+
+_Prof._ Renie, you've had your restless fits again. You'd better come
+with us----
+
+_Renie._ But I've already been walking----
+
+_Prof._ My dear, this bracing country air is just what you need. Keep
+out in it all the day long----
+
+_Renie._ Oh, very well--the White House, and the fish-pond as usual, I
+suppose?
+
+_Prof._ As usual. Come along.
+
+     [_Exit._ RENIE _slightly shrugs her shoulders, very slightly
+     glances at_ LUCAS _and exit after_ PROFESSOR.
+
+_Lucas._ The dear old fish-pond! We might all take a stroll there!
+
+_Matt._ Good idea! The dear old fish-pond! We might all take a stroll
+there!
+
+     [_Linking his arm with_ LUCAS.
+
+_Lucas._ [_Suspicious, holding back._] I don't know that I care--we went
+there last year----
+
+_Matt._ We did! Same old game, eh? Come along.
+
+     [_Drags_ LUCAS _off_.
+
+_Pilcher._ [_Has been gathering up his parcels._] Well, good-bye!
+Good-bye! [_Rattles the hospital box vigorously._] Three splendid
+victories for free will and moral resolution!
+
+     [_Exit, rattling the box._
+
+_Harry._ Doll, you really haven't got any bills this year?
+
+_Dolly._ No! no! Only the few little oddments that no woman can prevent.
+
+_Harry._ You might let me see the little oddments----
+
+_Dolly._ I will. [_Suddenly._] Oh Harry, I quite forgot! Do forgive me!
+
+_Harry._ What?
+
+_Dolly._ I never wrote the geyser bath people!
+
+_Harry._ Never mind the geyser bath.
+
+_Dolly._ And only this morning you rowed me because I hadn't got it
+ready for the New Year! Where did you put their address?
+
+_Harry._ I don't know! Somewhere upstairs among my papers.
+
+_Dolly._ [_Gently pushing him off._] I can just catch to-night's post!
+Make haste and get it! Quick! There's a dear! And then we can get the
+bath fixed up for you next week.
+
+_Harry._ Ye--es. I say, Doll, I mean to get those oddments fixed up
+to-night.
+
+     [_Taps the writing-case significantly and exit._ DOLLY _looks
+     frightened, sees him off, goes up to writing-desk, takes out bills,
+     looks at them, throws up her arms in despair, groans, slams down
+     the writing-desk, looks at the chair she has touched in first act,
+     shows great resolution, marches up and touches it._
+
+_Dolly._ Yes! Yes! I have got free will.
+
+     [_Goes back from it, again looks at it, again marches up to it,
+     touches it._
+
+_Dolly._ Then why do I keep on having bills?
+
+     RENIE _enters in great agitation and distress._
+
+_Renie._ Oh, Dolly!
+
+_Dolly._ What's the matter?
+
+_Renie._ Oh, Dolly!
+
+_Dolly._ What is it?
+
+_Renie._ [_Throws her arms round_ DOLLY _affectionately._] You've always
+been such a true friend to me----
+
+_Dolly._ Yes, dear.
+
+_Renie._ More like a sister. And I know I may trust you now.
+
+_Dolly._ [_A little suspicious._] Yes. Has anything happened?
+
+_Renie._ Yes. Oh, Dolly----
+
+_Dolly._ Tell me!
+
+_Renie._ As we were going out at the garden gate, Captain Wentworth held
+out a letter behind his back for me to take----
+
+_Dolly._ What?!
+
+_Renie._ But now his arm is wounded he couldn't manage it properly, and
+he dropped it. I hurried to pick it up, and then my husband noticed and
+insisted on reading it----
+
+_Dolly._ What was in the letter?
+
+_Renie._ It wasn't so very bad, but my husband has chosen to jump to a
+wrong conclusion, and--oh, Dolly, you can help me!
+
+_Dolly._ [_Coldly, relaxing her embrace._] How?
+
+_Renie._ If you'd only let me tell my husband that I was receiving it
+for you----
+
+_Dolly._ What?!
+
+_Renie._ There was no address, and fortunately it was so worded that it
+showed that you weren't really guilty.
+
+_Dolly._ Oh! I wasn't really guilty?
+
+_Renie._ In fact, it proves your complete innocence.
+
+_Dolly._ I'm glad of that.
+
+_Renie._ Then you'll let me say it was you?
+
+_Dolly._ No! You can't suppose I should let my own cousin make love to
+me in my own house?!
+
+_Renie._ You won't help me?
+
+_Dolly._ Yes, any way but that! How could you be so foolish?
+
+_Renie._ I don't know. When I heard yesterday he was coming, I quite
+made up my mind I'd have nothing to say to him! Dolly, free will must be
+an illusion, or else why am I always doing the things I don't mean to
+do. Oh, what shall I do?
+
+_Dolly._ As you are completely innocent, you'd better ask your husband
+to forgive you.
+
+_Renie._ Ye--es. No! As it is a perfectly pure and exalted attachment I
+shall take that ground--at any rate at first, and see what he says.
+You'll help me all you can?
+
+_Dolly._ Yes, but promise me you'll have nothing to do with Lucas in
+future!
+
+_Renie._ No, indeed! if I once get out of this.
+
+_Dolly._ Very well! I'll see what I can do.--Hush!
+
+     _The_ PROFESSOR _enters with a letter in his hand_, MATT _soothing
+     him._
+
+_Prof._ [_Very angry._] Not a word more, if you please. Mrs. Telfer, you
+have doubtless heard----
+
+_Dolly._ Yes----?
+
+_Prof._ I leave for London to-night-to consult my lawyer. Mrs. Sturgess
+will, I trust, return to her friends until----
+
+_Matt._ Perhaps Mrs. Sturgess may be able to explain----
+
+_Prof._ What explanation can be offered of language like this. [_Reading
+from letter._] "From the first moment I saw you, I felt that you were
+entirely different from any woman I have ever met----" A monstrously
+inexact statement to start with. And a woman who is capable of
+practising such deceit----
+
+     [RENIE _bursts into tears_.
+
+_Matt._ I think you ought to hear what Mrs. Sturgess has to say----
+
+_Renie._ [_Through her tears._] What would be the use? With such a
+nature as his he could never begin to understand the loyal and exalted
+devotion which Captain Wentworth feels for me! No, all my life I have
+been misunderstood, misjudged, condemned! Let it be so till the end!
+Dolly, come and help me pack!
+
+     [_Exit_. MATT _goes up to table and takes up proofs of_ PROFESSOR'S
+     _book and looks through them._
+
+_Dolly._ You're really too severe with poor Renie----
+
+_Prof._ I am not severe. I simply register the inevitable sentence of
+the husband upon the wife who misconducts herself!
+
+_Dolly._ Misconducts herself! She has merely had a little harmless
+flirtation----
+
+_Prof._ In my wife a flirtation of this character [_pointing to letter
+in his hand_] constitutes grave misconduct.
+
+_Dolly._ But that's perfectly ridiculous! Why it might happen to any
+woman! Dad, explain to him----
+
+_Matt._ Professor, you're taking altogether a wrong view of this. Now
+this case you were pointing out to me in your own book [_pointing to
+proofs_]--Number forty-nine, Mrs. Copway. Remarkably handsome woman
+too!--[_reading_] "The injustice and cruelty of condemning this poor
+lady must be apparent to all." My dear Professor, before publishing this
+book you'll have to modify your theory.
+
+_Prof._ I cannot modify my theory. I have spent ten years in collecting
+facts which prove it.
+
+_Matt._ Then, pardon me, you must really look over Mrs. Sturgess's
+little indiscretion.
+
+_Prof._ That is equally impossible----
+
+_Matt._ But you say that her action in receiving my nephew's letter was
+entirely due to the activity of certain atoms in the gray matter of her
+brain.
+
+_Prof._ Undoubtedly that is so.
+
+_Dolly._ Very well then, if her gray matter keeps on working wrong,
+what's the use of blaming her? You say yourself there's no such thing as
+free will----
+
+_Prof._ Precisely, but I have always allowed that in the present low
+moral and intellectual condition of the herd of mankind, free will is a
+plausible working hypothesis.
+
+_Dolly._ But it doesn't work! Free will won't work at all! Look at my
+own case! Do you suppose I should go on all my life having bills if I
+could help myself? [_Catching_ MATT'S _eye, who looks at her gravely and
+holds up his finger._] Never mind my bills! Do make him see how wrong
+and absurd it is to punish poor Renie when there's no such thing as free
+will!
+
+_Matt._ Dolly's right! She's only saying what you have so admirably laid
+down here. My dear Professor, you cannot possibly publish this book!
+
+_Prof._ But it has been announced! I must publish it.
+
+_Matt._ You cannot. Read that. [_Giving the_ PROFESSOR _the book and
+pointing out passage._] Surely after that you cannot condemn Mrs.
+Sturgess.
+
+_Prof._ [_Taking book, glancing at the passage._] Really, it's most
+annoying when one's own wife upsets----
+
+_Matt._ Oh! they're always making hay of our theories one way or the
+other.
+
+_Prof._ Of course, if one presses the matter home to first
+principles----
+
+_Dolly._ Yes! Yes! Well, why not act on your own first principles! You
+ought to be very sorry for poor Renie, considering all she has suffered.
+
+_Prof._ Suffered?
+
+_Dolly._ Yes, poor dear! You don't know what an awful struggle she has
+gone through between this unfortunate flirtation and her admiration for
+you.
+
+_Prof._ Her admiration for me!
+
+_Dolly._ Yes! She always speaks of you as her great protagonist of
+science.
+
+_Prof._ [_Mollified._] Does she? Does she?
+
+_Dolly._ Yes. If I were you I should go upstairs, and be very sweet to
+her, and above all don't reproach her. We women can endure anything
+except reproaches----
+
+_Prof._ [_Looking at his proofs._] I must publish my book. And after
+all, as you say, it is useless to blame them for acting according to
+the----
+
+_Matt._ The dictates of their gray matter when, bless them, they can't
+help themselves. My dear Professor, instead of condemning your wife you
+ought to be condoling with her, and doing all you can to get her gray
+matter into a healthy condition.
+
+_Prof._ I will hear what she has to say.
+
+_Dolly._ No. Go straight to her and forgive her, and then I'm sure her
+gray matter will soon be all right. And what a triumph that will be for
+you!
+
+_Prof._ It does offer a way out of the difficulty. In any case I must
+publish my book.      [_Exit._
+
+_Dolly._ Dad, I won't have her here next Christmas.
+
+_Matt._ No, my dear, I wouldn't.
+
+_Dolly._ That wretched Lucas!
+
+_Matt._ What is to be done with him?
+
+_Dolly._ Pack him off! Pack him off at once!
+
+     [LUCAS _cautiously looks in from upper conservatory door._
+
+_Lucas._ I say, how's the old bird seem to take it?
+
+_Dolly._ Old bird!
+
+_Lucas._ He isn't going to make a shindy over a trifle like this?
+
+_Dolly._ Trifle! He's threatening to divorce her and expose you!
+
+_Lucas._ You don't say so. I'm awfully sorry!
+
+_Dolly._ Sorry!
+
+_Lucas._ I am, indeed! And any reparation I can make----
+
+_Dolly._ Reparation?!
+
+_Lucas._ Such as an apology----
+
+     [DOLLY _utters a contemptuous exclamation._
+
+_Matt._ Will you give me your word of honor never to see Mrs. Sturgess
+again?
+
+_Lucas._ Yes.
+
+_Matt._ Or write to her?
+
+_Lucas._ Yes.
+
+_Matt._ The word of honour of an English gentleman used to mean
+something, Lu.
+
+_Lucas._ It does now, Uncle Matt!
+
+_Matt._ [_Shakes hands with him heartily._] Then I'll take it. Now be
+off as quickly as you can and let us make the best of it for you and
+her.
+
+_Lucas._ Thanks. Good-bye!
+
+_Matt._ Good-bye!
+
+     [LUCAS _crosses to_ DOLLY, _offers his hand._
+
+_Dolly._ No, Lu. If Renie gets out of this safely and if you behave
+yourself, I'll shake hands with you when you come back from India.
+
+_Lucas._ You're taking this too seriously--you're taking it far too
+seriously!      [_Exit._
+
+_Matt._ We're making a splendid start again for the New Year!
+
+_Dolly._ I hope this will be a lesson for Renie!
+
+_Matt._ I hope so. How about yourself?
+
+_Dolly._ What do you mean?
+
+_Matt._ I put the sovereign in, but--you've got a few more bills, eh?
+
+_Dolly._ Just a few oddments.
+
+_Matt._ How much?
+
+_Dolly._ I don't know. Dad----
+
+_Matt._ Well?
+
+_Dolly._ Now that South Africans have gone up at last, and you won that
+splendid coup on them last week----
+
+_Matt._ Well?
+
+_Dolly._ You couldn't lend me--a few hundreds--till my allowance comes
+due? Just a few hundreds----
+
+_Matt._ [_In a low reproachful tone, shaking his head._] What? What?
+What? Sad! Sad! Sad!!
+
+_Dolly._ [_Listens._] There's Harry! You will help me, Dad--you will?
+
+_Matt._ I'll see what I can do.
+
+     HARRY _enters cheerfully._
+
+_Harry._ That's all right, Doll! There's the address.
+
+     [_Giving a slip of paper._
+
+_Dolly._ Thanks, dear.
+
+_Harry._ And now about these mere oddments?
+
+_Dolly._ Not now, dear.
+
+_Harry._ Yes, dear, now. [_Very sternly._] This instant!
+
+_Dolly._ Harry, you're going to lose your temper----
+
+_Harry._ No. I'm going to keep a firm guard on it, but [_very sternly_]
+let me see those bills.
+
+_Dolly._ [_Creeps frightened up to the desk._] I'm sure you're going to
+lose your temper.
+
+     [_Opens the desk._
+
+_Harry._ [_Firmly._] No. I'm quite calm. Whose bill is that? [_She hands
+him one timorously._] Fulks and Garner! Artist Furriers! More artists!
+[_looks at total_]--one hundred and twenty-four pounds. Well, I'm----
+
+_Dolly._ Ah, Jobling!
+
+_Harry._ I should think I am Jobling. And you said you'd never enter
+their shop again!
+
+_Dolly._ I never meant it, but this time it was absolutely necessary----
+
+_Harry._ Necessary?
+
+_Dolly._ Yes--you see the chief item----
+
+_Harry._ [_Reads._] Chinchilla toque, coat, muff and boa--eighty
+guineas--eighty guineas----
+
+_Dolly._ I got them as a surprise for you when we go South next week.
+
+_Harry._ Surprise! Great heavens! What in the name of all----
+
+_Matt._ Shush, Harry! Her motive was a good one. She got it to please
+you!
+
+_Dolly._ You haven't seen it yet, it's just outside--I've a great mind
+to give you a great New Year's treat and let you see it on!
+
+_Harry._ I'm not going to be sweedled----
+
+_Matt._ Hush! Harry! Let her put it on! Let's have a look at it, and see
+whether it's worth the money. Put it on, Doll.      [_Exit_ DOLLY.
+
+_Harry._ [_Calls after her._] I tell you I'm not going to be
+sweedled!----
+
+_Matt._ What is sweedled?
+
+_Harry._ Sweedling is sweedling! It's part swindling and part wheedling!
+It's what every d--ee--d good-natured husband like me has to go through,
+when he's fool enough to put up with it!
+
+_Matt._ Well, old boy, you'll have to pay, you know; it will come to
+that in the end.
+
+_Harry._ I'm not going to be sweedled----
+
+_Matt._ And if Dolly has been a little extravagant, I must help her out
+with it to-morrow morning!
+
+_Harry._ No, we'll go into it thoroughly to-night.
+
+_Matt._ No, Harry, we won't. My room is just above here. Besides, the
+cook is going to give us a special New Year dinner, and I want to enjoy
+it. This New Year we'll start with a comfortable evening, please!
+
+     DOLLY _enters at back in a very handsome Chinchilla coat._ HARRY
+     _looks a little sulky. She stands in the middle of the room and
+     displays it._
+
+_Dolly._ Well? [_He looks at it rather sulkily, walks away; she follows
+him._] Well? [Walking after him.] Well? Well?
+
+     [_Displaying the furs._]
+
+     [_He turns, looks at her, she stands and holds out her arms._
+
+_Harry._ Oh, hang it all! [_Takes her in his arms and kisses her._]
+There!
+
+_Dolly._ [_Kissing him heartily._] And there! [_Another kiss._] And
+there! [_Another kiss._] And there! [_Catches sight of the collecting
+box, goes to it, furiously sweeps it off its table on to the floor._]
+AND THERE!
+
+
+                               CURTAIN.
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Transcriber's note
+
+
+The following changes have been made to the text:
+
+Page 7: "The Afternoon" changed to "The afternoon".
+
+Page 12: "thirt-four, seven" changed to "thirty-four, seven".
+
+Page 21: "no doubt each of has his own" changed to "no doubt each of you
+has his own".
+
+Page 30: "had a plesant walk" changed to "had a pleasant walk".
+
+Page 33: "to the time---- w" changed to "to the time----".
+
+Page 50: "Doll." changed to "Dolly.".
+
+Page 60: "Gibralter" changed to "Gibraltar".
+
+Page 69: "speak for themselevs" changed to "speak for themselves".
+
+Page 76: "least self-recpect" changed to "least self-respect".
+
+Page 76: "now organgized" changed to "now organized".
+
+Page 78: "down in a mniute" changed to "down in a minute".
+
+Page 95: "extensive lessions" changed to "extensive lesions".
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's Dolly Reforming Herself, by Henry Arthur Jones
+
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+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Dolly Reforming Herself, by Henry Arthur Jones
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Dolly Reforming Herself
+       A Comedy in Four Acts
+
+Author: Henry Arthur Jones
+
+Release Date: November 15, 2008 [EBook #27271]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK DOLLY REFORMING HERSELF ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Bryan Ness, Carla Foust and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This
+book was produced from scanned images of public domain
+material from the Google Print project.)
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<div class="transnote">
+<h3>Transcriber's note</h3>
+
+<p>A Table of Contents has been created for the HTML version.
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+a <a class="correction" title="like this" href="#tnotes">mouse-hover</a>
+and are listed at the
+<a href="#tnotes">end of this book</a>. All other inconsistencies are as in the original.
+The author's spelling
+has been maintained.
+</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+
+<p class="fm1">THE PLAYS OF</p>
+<p class="fm1">HENRY ARTHUR JONES</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 15%;" />
+
+<h1>DOLLY<br />
+REFORMING<br />
+HERSELF</h1>
+
+
+<h1><i>A Comedy in Four Acts</i></h1>
+
+<p class="fm4">BY</p>
+
+<p class="fm1">HENRY ARTHUR JONES</p>
+
+<p><br /></p>
+<p class="fm2">AUTHOR OF</p>
+
+<p class="fm4">"THE LIARS," "MICHAEL AND HIS LOST ANGEL," "THE TEMPTER,"</p>
+<p class="fm4">"THE CRUSADERS," "JUDAH," "THE CASE OF REBELLIOUS</p>
+<p class="fm4">SUSAN," "THE DANCING GIRL," "THE MIDDLEMAN,"</p>
+<p class="fm4">"THE ROGUE'S COMEDY," "THE TRIUMPH OF THE</p>
+<p class="fm4">PHILISTINES," "THE MASQUERADERS," "THE</p>
+<p class="fm4">MAN&OElig;UVRE OF JANE," "CARNACSAHIB,"</p>
+<p class="fm4">"THE GOAL," "MRS. DANE'S DEFENCE,"</p>
+<p class="fm4">"THE LACKEY'S CARNIVAL," "THE</p>
+<p class="fm4">PRINCESS'S NOSE," ETC.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 15%;" />
+
+<p class="fm3">Memnon con&ccedil;ut un jour le projet insens&eacute; d'&ecirc;tre parfaitement</p>
+<p class="fm3">sage. Il n'y a gu&egrave;re d'hommes &agrave; qui cette folie</p>
+<p class="fm3">n'ait quelquefois pass&eacute; par la t&ecirc;te." <span class="smcap">Voltaire</span>.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 15%;" />
+
+<p class="fm4"><span class="smcap">Copyright, 1910, by Henry Arthur Jones</span></p>
+
+<hr style="width: 15%;" />
+
+<p class="fm3">PRICE 50 CENTS</p>
+<p><br /><br /></p>
+
+<table summary="PUBLISHERS">
+<tr>
+<td class="tdc"><b>NEW YORK</b></td>
+<td class="tdc"><b>|</b></td>
+<td class="tdc"><b>LONDON.</b></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="tdc"><b>SAMUEL FRENCH</b></td>
+<td class="tdc"><b>|</b></td>
+<td class="tdc"><b>SAMUEL FRENCH, <span class="smcap">Ltd</span>.</b></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="tdc"><b>PUBLISHER</b></td>
+<td class="tdc"><b>|</b></td>
+<td class="tdc"><b>26 <span class="smcap">Southampton St</span>,</b></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="tdc"><b>28-30 <span class="smcap">West 38th Street</span></b></td>
+<td class="tdc"><b>|</b></td>
+<td class="tdc"><b><span class="smcap">Strand</span></b></td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+
+<h1>
+DOLLY REFORMING<br />
+HERSELF<br />
+<br />
+A COMEDY IN FOUR ACTS</h1>
+
+<p class="fm4">BY</p>
+
+<p class="fm1">HENRY ARTHUR JONES</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 15%;" />
+
+<p class="fm3">Memnon con&ccedil;ut un jour le projet insens&eacute; d'&ecirc;tre parfaitement</p>
+<p class="fm3">sage. Il n'y a gu&egrave;re d'hommes &agrave; qui cette folie</p>
+<p class="fm3">n'ait quelquefois pass&eacute; par la t&ecirc;te." <span class="smcap">Voltaire</span>.</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 15%;" />
+
+<p class="fm4"><span class="smcap">Copyright, 1910, by Henry Arthur Jones</span></p>
+
+<hr style="width: 15%;" />
+
+<p class="blockquot2">CAUTION&mdash;This play is fully protected under the copyright laws of the
+United States, is subject to royalty, and any one presenting the play
+without the consent of the author or his agents, will be liable to
+penalty under the law. All applications for amateur performances must be
+made to <span class="smcap">Samuel French</span>, 28-30 West 38th Street, New York City.
+</p>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 15%;" />
+<p class="fm3"><i>ALL RIGHTS RESERVED</i></p>
+<p><br /></p>
+
+<table summary="PUBLISHERS">
+<tr>
+<td class="tdc"><b><span class="smcap">New York</span></b></td>
+<td class="tdc"><b>|</b></td>
+<td class="tdc"><b><span class="smcap">London.</span></b></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="tdc"><b>SAMUEL FRENCH</b></td>
+<td class="tdc"><b>|</b></td>
+<td class="tdc"><b>SAMUEL FRENCH, <span class="smcap">Ltd</span>.</b></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="tdc"><b>PUBLISHER</b></td>
+<td class="tdc"><b>|</b></td>
+<td class="tdc"><b>26 <span class="smcap">Southampton St</span>,</b></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td class="tdc"><b>28-30 WEST <span class="smcap">38th</span> STREET</b></td>
+<td class="tdc"><b>|</b></td>
+<td class="tdc"><b>STRAND</b></td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[3]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>"The crescendo of quarrel is most skilfully and drolly arranged;&mdash;
+scene on classic lines boldly challenging and, what is more, maintaining
+comparison with Sheridan." Mr. A. B. Walkley&mdash;The London Times.</p>
+
+<p>"This new play, by Mr. Henry Arthur Jones, at The Haymarket, is surely
+as good a comedy as he has ever written.</p>
+
+<p>I should say, in evaluating Mr. Jones, that his greatest asset is his
+humor. We are grateful that Mr. Jones has that comfortable gift which
+prevents him from dancing on us&mdash;that gift of humor whereby he is
+content to take us just as we are.</p>
+
+<p>No playwright is more joyously observant than Mr. Jones; and none
+observes more accurately, in the milieu that he has chosen. Other
+playwrights may create more salient and memorable figures. But none of
+them creates figures so lifelike as Mr. Jones.</p>
+
+<p>Nor is any one of them so fine a craftsman. We are not made conscious of
+it while the play is in progress. From the very outset, we are aware
+merely of certain ladies and gentlemen behaving with apparent freedom
+and naturalness. It is only when the play is over that we notice the art
+of it. The verisimilitude of "Dolly Reforming Herself" is all the more
+admirable because the play is founded on a philosophic question, and in
+the whole course of it there is not a scene, not a character (not even
+the butler's character), that is not strictly and logically relevant to
+this question. The whole fabric is wrought in a tight and formal
+pattern, yet the effect of it is as life itself. The question in point
+is "Can<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[4]</a></span> we cure ourselves of our bad habits?" and the answer is worked
+not through a story, but simply through the behavior of a few people in
+a country-house.</p>
+
+<p>The central scene of the play, however, is the scene between Dolly and
+her husband. The whole scene is delightful, worked out with the finest
+sense of dramatic rhythm: a truly great comic scene, of which Mr. Jones
+may well be proud."</p>
+
+<p><span style="margin-left: 2em;">Mr. Max Beerbohm&mdash;The Saturday Review.</span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[5]</a></span></p>
+<h3><a name="TO_MISS_ETHEL_IRVING" id="TO_MISS_ETHEL_IRVING"></a>TO MISS ETHEL IRVING</h3>
+
+
+<p>My Dear Miss Irving,</p>
+
+<p>Will you accept the dedication of this little comedy, whose success at
+the Haymarket was so largely due to your fine and sincere performance of
+Dolly?</p>
+
+<p class="author">
+<span style="padding-right: 15.0em;">Faithfully yours<br /></span>
+<br />
+<span style="padding-right: 10.5em;">Henry Arthur Jones.<br /></span></p>
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[6]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="blockquot">The following is a copy of the original cast of "Dolly Reforming
+Herself" produced at the Haymarket Theatre, on Tuesday, November 3rd., 1908.</p>
+
+<p class="fm2">CAST.</p>
+
+<p class="blockquot">
+<i>Harry Telfer</i> (Dolly's Husband) <span class="smcap">Mr. Robert Loraine</span><br />
+<i>Matthew Barron</i> (Dolly's Father) <span class="smcap">Mr. C. M. Lowne</span><br />
+<i>Captain Lucas Wentworth</i> (Dolly's Cousin) <span class="smcap">Mr. Charles R. Maude</span><br />
+<i>Professor Sturgess</i> <span class="smcap">Mr. E. Lyall Swete</span><br />
+<i>The Rev. James Pilcher</i> (Vicar of Crookbury) <span class="smcap">Mr. Herbert Bunston</span><br />
+<i>Criddle</i> <span class="smcap">Mr. Gilbert Porteous</span><br />
+<i>Mrs. Harry Telfer</i> (Dolly) <span class="smcap">Miss Ethel Irving</span><br />
+<i>Mrs. Sturgess</i> (Renie) <span class="smcap">Miss Margaret Halstan</span><br />
+<i>Peters</i> (Dolly's Maid) <span class="smcap">Miss Ada Webster</span><br />
+</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<!-- Autogenerated TOC. Modify or delete as required. -->
+<p class="center"><a href="#ACT_I"><b>ACT I.</b></a></p>
+<p class="center"><a href="#ACT_II"><b>ACT II.</b></a></p>
+<p class="center"><a href="#ACT_III"><b>ACT III.</b></a></p>
+<p class="center"><a href="#ACT_IV"><b>ACT IV.</b></a></p>
+<!-- End Autogenerated TOC. -->
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[7]</a></span></p>
+<h3>PERSONS REPRESENTED.</h3>
+
+
+<p>
+<span class="smcap">Harry Telfer</span> (Dolly's husband).<br />
+<span class="smcap">Matthew Barron</span> (Dolly's father).<br />
+<span class="smcap">Captain Lucas Wentworth</span> (Dolly's cousin).<br />
+<span class="smcap">Professor Sturgess</span>.<br />
+<span class="smcap">The Reverend James Pilcher</span> (Vicar of Crookbury.)<br />
+<span class="smcap">Criddle</span>.<br />
+<br />
+<span class="smcap">Mrs. Harry Telfer</span> (Dolly).<br />
+<span class="smcap">Mrs. Sturgess</span> (Renie).<br />
+<span class="smcap">Peters</span> (Dolly's maid).<br />
+</p>
+
+
+<p>ACT I.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Scene.</span>&mdash;<span class="smcap">The Drawing-Room at Harry Telfer's, The Gables, Crookbury Green,
+Surrey.</span></p>
+
+<p><i>Time</i>&mdash;<span class="smcap">The afternoon of 1st January, 1907.</span></p>
+
+
+<p>ACT II.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Scene.</span>&mdash;<span class="smcap">The same.</span></p>
+
+<p><i>Time</i>&mdash;<span class="smcap">After dinner on the same day.</span></p>
+
+<p>ACT III.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Scene.</span>&mdash;<span class="smcap">The same.</span></p>
+
+<p><i>Time</i>&mdash;<span class="smcap">Later on the same night.</span></p>
+
+
+<p>ACT IV.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Scene.</span>&mdash;<span class="smcap">The same.</span></p>
+
+<p><i>Time</i>&mdash;<span class="smcap">The
+<a name="corr1" id="corr1"></a><a class="correction" href="#cn1" title="changed from 'Afternoon'">afternoon</a>
+of 1st January, 1908.</span></p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[8]</a></span></p>
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[9]</a></span></p>
+<h2>Dolly Reforming Herself</h2>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<h3><a name="ACT_I" id="ACT_I"></a>ACT I.</h3>
+
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Scene</span>: <i>Drawing-room at</i> <span class="smcap">Harry Telfer's</span>, <i>The Gables, Crookbury Green,
+Surrey. A well-furnished room in a modern red brick country house. At
+the back, a little to the right, is a door leading into the hall. All
+along the right side is a glass partition, showing a conservatory which
+is entered by glass doors, one up stage, the other down. On the left
+side is a large fireplace. At the back, in the centre, is a handsome
+writing-desk with a shut down flap lid. Above the fireplace, facing the
+audience is a large sofa. To the right of sofa, and below it in the left
+centre of the room is a small table, and near to it an easy chair. Right
+centre down stage is a larger table.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Time</span>: <i>The afternoon of</i> <span class="smcap">1st</span> <i>January</i>, 1907.</p>
+
+<p><i>Discover at
+writing-table, back to audience</i>, <span class="smcap">Dolly Telfer</span>, <i>a bright little woman
+about thirty, busied with bills and papers. Bending over her, back to
+audience, is her father</i>, <span class="smcap">Matt Barron</span>, <i>a pleasant-looking, easy-going
+cynic of sixty.</i> <span class="smcap">Harry Telfer</span>, <span class="smcap">Dolly's</span> <i>husband, an ordinary
+good-natured, weakish, impulsive Englishman about thirty-five, is
+standing with his back to the fire. Sitting on sofa, reading a
+scientific book, is</i> <span class="smcap">Professor<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[10]</a></span></span> <span class="smcap">Sturgess</span>, <i>a hard, dry, narrow, fattish
+scientific man about forty-five. At the table, right, reading a French
+novel, is</i> <span class="smcap">Renie Sturgess</span>, <i>the Professor's wife, a tall, dark, handsome
+woman about thirty</i>.</p>
+
+
+<p><i>Harry</i>. No, I can't say that I pay very much attention to sermons as a
+rule, but Pilcher gave us a regular downright, no-mistake-about-it,
+rouser at the Watch-night Service last night.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt</i>. [<i>Turning round</i>.] I wonder what precise difference this rousing
+sermon will make in the conduct of any person who heard it.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry</i>. Well, it's going to make a lot of difference in my conduct. At
+least, I won't say a lot of difference, because I don't call myself a
+very bad sort of fellow, do you?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt</i>. N-o&mdash;No&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry</i>. At any rate I'm a thundering good husband, ain't I, Dolly?
+[<span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>takes no notice</i>.] And I've got no flagrant vices. But I've got
+a heap of&mdash;well a heap of selfish little habits, such as temper, and so
+on, and for the coming year I'm going to knock them all off.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt</i>. That will be a score for Pilcher&mdash;that is, if you do knock them
+off.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry</i>. Oh, I'm thoroughly resolved! I promised Dolly last night,
+didn't I, Dolly? [<span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>takes no notice</i>.] Dolly too! Dolly was awfully
+impressed by the sermon, weren't you, Dolly?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt</i>. [<i>Looking round at</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly's</span> <i>back</i>.] Dolly was awfully
+impressed?</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry</i>. Yes. Before we went to bed she gave me her word, that if I'd
+give her a little help, she'd pay off all her bills, and live within her
+allowance for the future, didn't you, Dolly?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt</i>. Well, that will be another score for Pilcher&mdash;that is, if Dolly
+does live within her allowance.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[11]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Oh, Dolly means it this time, don't you Dolly?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Turns round on her stool, bills in hand.</i>] I think it's
+disgraceful!</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> What?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> These tradespeople! [<i>Comes down to</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span>.] I'm almost sure
+I've paid this bill once&mdash;if not twice. Then there's a mistake of thirty
+shillings in the addition&mdash;you're good at figures, Dad. Do add that up
+for me. My head is so muddled.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Giving the bill to</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span>.</p></div>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Aren't you glad, Doll, that you made that resolution not to
+have any more bills?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> It will be heavenly! To go about all day with the blessed
+thought that I don't owe a farthing to anybody. It's awful!</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Crunching a bill in her hand, and throwing it on to
+writing-table.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Cheer up, little woman! You don't owe such a very alarming
+amount, do you?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Oh no! Oh <i>no</i>! And if you'll only help me as you promised&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> We'll go thoroughly into it by-and-by. In fact I did mean to
+give you a pleasant little Christmas surprise, and pay off all your
+debts.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Oh, you angel! But why didn't you do it?</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> I've done it so often! You remember the last time?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Making a wry face.</i>] Yes, I remember the last time.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> And here we are again!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Oh, don't talk like a clown!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> But, my dear Dolly, here we are again.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Well, I haven't got the money sense! I simply haven't got it! I
+was born without it!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[12]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Hands her the bill.</i>] The addition is quite correct.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Taking the bill.</i>] You're sure? Then I'm convinced I've paid
+it! [<i>Looking at bill.</i>] Yes!
+Thirty-four, seven, six. Professor
+Sturgess&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> [<i>Looks up from his book</i>] Yes?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> You understand all about psychology and the way our brains
+work.</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> I've given my entire life to their study, but I cannot claim
+that I understand them.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> But wouldn't you say&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> What?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> I'm morally certain I've paid this bill.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Have you got the receipt?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> No! I must have mislaid it.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> When, and where did you pay it?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> I cannot recall the exact circumstances. And now&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> And now&mdash;&mdash;?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Fulks and Garner have sent me a most impertinent note
+requesting immediate payment.</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> What is the particular brain process that you wish me to
+explain?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> How do you account for my having the most vivid impression that
+I've paid it&mdash;so vivid that I cannot shake it off?</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> Well&mdash;a&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Isn't it an instance of that obscure operation of the feminine
+mind whereby the merest wish becomes an accomplished fact?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> My dear Dad, I actually remember the exact amount:
+<a name="corr2" id="corr2"></a><a class="correction" href="#cn2" title="changed from 'thirt-four'">thirty-four</a>,
+seven, six.
+Thirty-four, seven, six. I shall never enter Fulks and
+Garnet's shop again!</p>
+
+<hr style="width: 45%;" />
+
+<p><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Criddle</span>. [<i>Announces</i>.] Captain Wentworth!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[13]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Captain Lucas Wentworth</span>, <i>a good-looking smart young army man
+about thirty. He is in riding-clothes. Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Criddle</span>. <i>At</i> <span class="smcap">Captain
+Wentworth's</span> <i>entrance</i> <span class="smcap">Renie</span> <i>shows keen interest, throws him a secret
+glance as he goes to shake hands with</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly</span>.</div>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Ah, Lu! What, over again! Happy New Year once more!</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Same to you. [<i>Shaking hands.</i>] Happy New Year, everybody! Good
+afternoon, Harry!</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Nodding to</i> <span class="smcap">Harry</span>.</p></div>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Ditto, Lu.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Ah, Uncle Matt! Happy New Year!</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Shaking hands.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Happy New Year, Lucas!</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Good afternoon, Mrs. Sturgess.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Shaking hands with</i> <span class="smcap">Renie</span>.</p></div>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Good afternoon.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> None the worse for your outing last night, I hope?</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Oh no, I'm sure Mr. Pilcher's sermon ought to make us all very
+much better.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> May I introduce you to Professor Sturgess&mdash;my cousin Captain
+Wentworth.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> How d'ye do?</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> How d'ye do?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> So you came over to the Watch-night Service, I hear?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Yes! I'd nothing much better to do, and Dolly was cracking up
+this new parson of yours, so I thought I'd jog over and sample him.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> A dozen miles over here at midnight; an hour's service in a cold
+church; and a dozen miles back to Aldershot, in the sleet and snow. I
+hope the sermon thoroughly braced you up!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[14]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> It did. It made me feel just as good as I knew how to be.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Here's another score for Pilcher!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Dad, I think it's shocking bad taste of you to keep on sneering
+at Mr. Pilcher!</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> I'm not sneering. I'm only curious to follow up this wonderful
+sermon, and trace its results on all of you.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Well, you can see its results. [<span class="smcap">Lucas</span> <i>has got near to</i> <span class="smcap">Renie</span>,
+<i>stands with his back to her, takes out a letter from his coat-tail
+pocket, holds it out for her to take. She takes it, pops it in her
+novel, and goes on reading. He moves away from her.</i>] Take only our own
+family. Harry and I both have turned over a new leaf. Renie, you said
+Mr. Pilcher had set you thinking deeply&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Yes, dear, very deeply.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Lu, you said the sermon had done you a lot of good.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Heaps! I won't say I'm going to set up for a saint straight
+off, because&mdash;well&mdash;I'm not so sure I could bring it off, even if I
+tried&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> That's what holds me back, my wretched nervous fear that I
+shouldn't bring it off. Still, in justice to Pilcher, I hope you're not
+going to let his sermon be wasted.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Oh, no! My first spare five minutes I'm going to brisk about,
+and do a bit of New Year's tidying up.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>He is standing over</i> <span class="smcap">Renie</span>, <i>who has opened his letter in her
+novel; he again exchanges a secret look of understanding with her,
+and makes a sign to her to go into the conservatory.</i></p></div>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Criddle</span>.</p></div>
+
+<p><i>Criddle.</i> [<i>Announcing.</i>] Mr. Pilcher!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[15]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><i>Enter the</i> <span class="smcap">Reverend James Pilcher</span>, <i>a big, strong, bright, genial,
+manly, hearty English parson about forty. Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Criddle</span>.</div>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> How d'ye do? [<i>Shaking hands.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> How d'ye do? Happy New Year, once more! Happy New Year, Mr.
+Barron!</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Shaking hands.</i>] A happy New Year.</p>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> How do again, Telfer?</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> How are you?</p>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Good morning, Mrs. Sturgess.</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Good morning.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>At</i> <span class="smcap">Pilcher's</span> <i>entrance she has hidden her French novel behind
+her in the chair. In shaking hands with</i> <span class="smcap">Pilcher</span> <i>it drops on to
+the floor and</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas's</span> <i>letter drops out.</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span> <i>goes to pick it
+up,</i> <span class="smcap">Mr. Pilcher</span> <i>is before him, picks up the novel and letter and
+hands them to</i> <span class="smcap">Renie</span>. <i>In taking them she shows some confusion.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> [<i>Genially.</i>] Improving the New Year by getting a thorough
+knowledge of Parisian life and manners, I see.</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Confused.</i>] No!&mdash;I had begun the book a week ago and so I
+thought&mdash;a&mdash;I'd better finish it.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Good morning, Mr. Pilcher.</p>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> [<i>Shaking hands.</i>] Good morning.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Rattling good sermon you gave us last night.</p>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> I'm glad you thought it worth coming so far to hear.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Not at all. Jolly well worth coming for, eh, Mrs. Sturgess?</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>With a sly little look and shake of the head at</i> <span class="smcap">Renie</span>.</p></div>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> I thoroughly enjoyed it!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[16]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> [<i>A little surprised.</i>] Enjoyed it! Now I meant to make you
+all very uncomfortable!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Oh, you gave us a good shaking up, and we deserved it! I don't
+think you've met Professor Sturgess?</p>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> [<i>Advancing to</i> <span class="smcap">Professor</span>.] No, but I've read his book, "Man,
+the Automaton."</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> [<i>Bowing.</i>] Not with disapproval, I trust?</p>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> [<i>Shaking hands very cordially.</i>] With the most profound
+disapproval, with boundless, uncompromising dissent and antagonism!</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> I'm sorry!</p>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Why, you deny that man has any vestige of free will.</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> Certainly. The longer I live, the more I'm convinced that free
+will is a purely subjective illusion.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Do you mean that when I will to do a certain thing I can't do
+it? Oh, that's absurd. For instance, I will to go and touch that chair!
+[<i>She goes and touches it.</i>] There! [<i>Triumphantly.</i>] I've done it! That
+shows I've got free will. [<i>The</i> <span class="smcap">Professor</span> <i>shakes his head.</i>] Well,
+then how did I do it?</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> I affirm that your willing to touch that chair or not to touch
+it, your actual touching it, or not touching it; your possession or
+non-possession of a criminal impulse&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> I haven't any criminal impulses&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> [<i>Shakes his head and goes on.</i>] Your yielding to that criminal
+impulse or your not yielding to it&mdash;all these states of consciousness
+are entirely dependent upon the condition, quantity and arrangement of
+certain atoms in the gray matter of your brain. You think, you will, you
+act according as that gray matter works. You did not cause or make that
+condition of the atoms of your gray matter, therefore you are not
+responsible for thinking or acting in this<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[17]</a></span> way or that, seeing that
+your thoughts, and your actions, and that direction of your impulses
+which you call your will, are all precisely determined and regulated by
+the condition and arrangement of these minute atoms of your gray matter!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Has at first listened with great attention, but has grown
+bewildered as the</i> <span class="smcap">Professor</span> <i>goes on.</i>] I don't care anything about my
+gray matter! I've quite made up my mind I won't have any more bills!</p>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> [<i>Turning to</i> <span class="smcap">Renie</span>.] Does Mrs. Sturgess agree with the
+Professor's doctrine?</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> No, indeed! To say that we're mere machines&mdash;it's horrid.</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> The question is not whether it's horrid, but whether it's true.</p>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> What do you think, Mr. Barron?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> It's a very nutty and knotty problem. I'm watching to see Dolly
+and Harry solve it!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> See us solve it! How?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> You and Harry heard a most thrilling, soul-stirring sermon last
+night.</p>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> You had good hearsay accounts of my sermon?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Excellent! I should have heard it myself, but I've reached an
+age when it would be dangerous to give up any of my old and cherished
+bad habits. So in place of going to church and selfishly reforming
+myself, I shall have to be content with watching Dolly and Harry reform
+themselves.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Don't take any notice of him, Mr. Pilcher, he's the most
+cynical, hardened reprobate! I have to blush for him a hundred times a
+day.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<span class="smcap">Renie</span> <i>strolls casually into conservatory by lower door.</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span>
+<i>casually follows her.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> And in order to settle once and for all this vexed question of
+free will and moral responsibility,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[18]</a></span> I'll bet you, Harry, a simple
+fiver, and I'll bet you Dolly, a new Parisian hat, and half a dozen
+pairs of gloves that you won't live up to your good resolutions, and
+that on next New Year's Day you'll neither of you be one ha'penny the
+better for all the wise counsels Mr. Pilcher gave you last night.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> A fiver! Done!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> I'll take you, too! In fact, I'll double it; two new Parisian
+hats, and a dozen pairs of gloves!</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Done, my dear!</p>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> I hope I sha'n't be accused of talking shop if I venture to
+recall that betting was one of the bad habits I especially warned my
+congregation against, last night!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> By Jove, yes&mdash;I'd forgotten all about that! Of course, if you
+wish us to cry off&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Well, not exactly. I might perhaps suggest an alternative
+plan which was tried with great success in my late parish&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> What was that?</p>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> A very capital good fellow&mdash;an auctioneer and land surveyor,
+my churchwarden in fact, by name Jobling&mdash;found that in spite of
+constant good resolutions, certain small vices were gradually creeping
+upon him. There was an occasional outburst of temper to his clerks, an
+occasional half glass too much; and on one lamentable market day, he
+actually discovered himself using bad language to Mrs. Jobling&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Looking at</i> <span class="smcap">Harry</span>.] Oh! Ah!</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Jobling's gray matter can't have been in good working order.</p>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> We corrected that! We got his gray matter under control.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> How?</p>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> My Christmas Blanket Club happened to be on the road to
+bankruptcy. By the way, our<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[19]</a></span> Blanket Club here is in low water. Well, I
+gave Jobling a small box with a hole at the top sufficiently large to
+admit half a crown. And I suggested that whenever he was betrayed into
+one of these little slips, he should fine himself for the benefit of my
+Blanket Club&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Good business! Dolly, where's that collecting-box they sent us
+from the Hospital for Incurables?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> In the cupboard in the next room.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Right-o! No time like the present! [<i>Exit.</i>]</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> And how did you get out of this dilemma?</p>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Dilemma?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Did your Blanket Club remain in bankruptcy, or what must have
+been an even more distressing alternative to you, did Jobling continue
+to use bad language to his wife?</p>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> We struck a happy medium. My Blanket Club balance was
+considerably augmented, and Jobling's behaviour considerably improved
+under the stress of the fines.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><i>Re-enter</i> <span class="smcap">Harry</span> <i>with an old, dusty collecting-box on which is printed
+in large letters, "County Hospital for Incurables."</i></div>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Placing the box on the table.</i>] There! My name's Jobling for
+the present! By Jove! that was a very neat idea of yours.</p>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Ah, by the way, I didn't give you Jobling's tariff&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Tariff?</p>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Jobling's tariff for a mild little profanity like "By Jove,"
+was a mere sixpence.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Oh! [<i>Feels in his pocket.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Of course you needn't adopt Jobling's scale.</p>
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[20]</a></span></p>
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Oh yes! I'll toe the mark! [<i>Takes six pence out of his pocket
+and puts it in his box.</i>] I'm determined I'll cure myself of all these
+bad little tricks&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly</span>, <i>pointing to the money-box.</i>] Are you going to
+contribute?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Snappishly.</i>] Perhaps, when I've paid off my bills.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Pilcher</span>.] Will you kindly let my daughter have your lowest
+tariff for ladies?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Oh, please don't be in such a hurry. What about your own
+contribution? Mr. Pilcher, I hope you don't intend to let my father
+escape.</p>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> I understood Mr. Barron was prepared to risk a five-pound
+note that you and Mr. Telfer will not carry your New Year resolutions
+into practice?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> With the almost certain chance of drawing a five-pound note from
+Harry and a new hat from Dolly.</p>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> I'm afraid I can't hold out those inducements. But I can
+offer you the very pleasing alternatives of chuckling over your
+daughter's and Mr. Telfer's lapses, or of contributing five pounds to an
+excellent charity!</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> H'm! Well I'll do my best to oblige you, Mr. Pilcher! Let me
+see!</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Looking round, his eye falls on</i> <span class="smcap">Renie</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span> <i>who, at the
+beginning of the above conversation have gone into conservatory at
+lower door, and now come out again at upper door. She has a
+hot-house flower in her hand, and they are eagerly absorbed in
+their conversation. The</i> <span class="smcap">Professor</span> <i>talking to</i> <span class="smcap">Harry</span> <i>and not
+noticing.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Becoming aware that</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>is watching them.</i>] Yes, that
+arrangement of the stamens is quite unusual. It's what the gardener
+calls a "sport"&mdash;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[21]</a></span>&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> [<i>Examining the flower.</i>] Jolly good sport, too!</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> I'm not sure that we haven't even better sport here&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Coming to him.</i>] Sport? What sport? Can we join?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> That's just what I was going to propose. There are four of you
+here, who heard Mr. Pilcher's excellent discourse last night. And you
+are all determined to turn over a new leaf this year. Isn't that so?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> I know I am.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Mrs. Sturgess?</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Yes, indeed!</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Lucas, you?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Yes, Uncle.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> On the first of January next, I am prepared to put a sovereign
+in that money-box for every one of you who can honestly declare that he
+has broken himself or herself of his bad habits during the year.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> I say, not all our bad habits?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> H'm. I don't wish to be exacting&mdash;I've no doubt each of
+<a name="corr3" id="corr3"></a><a class="correction" href="#cn3" title="word was missing in original">you</a>
+has his own little failing or weakness. Well, come to me and say on your
+honour that you've conquered this or that pet special weakness&mdash;and in
+goes my sovereign.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> You don't really mean it?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Indeed I do. I hope you won't stand out and&mdash;spoil sport, eh?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Oh, I don't mind coming in&mdash;just for the lark of the thing.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Then you all agree?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Oh yes.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Certainly.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Mrs. Sturgess?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[22]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> We don't know where we may be next Christmas.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> You'll be here with us. I invite you on the spot. You accept?</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Yes, delighted, if my husband&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> Very pleased.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Well, Mr. Pilcher, I think I've made your Blanket Club a very
+handsome offer.</p>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Very handsome. [<i>Taking out watch.</i>] I hope our friends will
+cordially respond, for the sake of my Blanket Club.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> You'll stay for a cup of tea?</p>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> I've heaps of New Year's calls to make. I'm afraid I must be
+going; good afternoon, Professor!</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> Good afternoon.</p>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Good afternoon, Telfer.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Good afternoon.</p>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Good-bye, Mrs. Sturgess.</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Good-bye. So many thanks for your eloquent sermon.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Shaking hands.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Pitcher.</i> Now, was I eloquent? I suppose I was, since I've produced
+such an invigorating New Year atmosphere.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<span class="smcap">Renie</span> <i>moves her French
+novel.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> And brought Lucas over from Aldershot in the snow!</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Rather! I shall come again next year.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Shaking hands.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Do. And then we shall be able to estimate the effect of my
+eloquence.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Tapping the money-box.</i>] We shall!</p>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Good-bye, Mrs. Telfer.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Good-bye. [<i>Rings bell.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Good-bye, Mr. Barron.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Good-bye.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[23]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> You might be inclined to risk a sovereign on yourself for the
+Blanket Club?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> I daren't. I can't trust my gray matter&mdash;I should make a
+dreadful fiasco.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<span class="smcap">Criddle</span> <i>appears at door.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Mrs. Telfer, I leave him in your hands.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Pilcher.</span> <span class="smcap">Criddle</span> <i>closes the door after him.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Dolly, I don't mind having that new Parisian hat on with you.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Done! I don't mind how much I punish you.</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> [<i>Taking out his watch.</i>] Half past three, my dear.</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> I don't think I'll go out this afternoon.</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> Oh, you'd better take your little constitutional. You missed it
+yesterday. I'm sure your restlessness is due to your not taking regular
+exercise.</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Which way are you going? [<i>Yawning.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> My usual round, up to the White House and back by the fish-pond.</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Perhaps I'll join you at the fish-pond.</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> [<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Matt.</span>] Nothing like living by rule and measure.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> I shouldn't wonder. I've never tried it.</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> I ascribe my constant good health and contentment to my
+unvarying routine of work and diet and exercise. [<i>Exit.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Then where do my constant good health and contentment come from?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Dolly, I left my evening kit here. Could you put me up for the
+night?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Delighted! You'll make up our rubber.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Right!</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Not going to ride back to Aldershot again to-night?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Not to-night, thank you.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[24]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Just a shade too bracing, eh?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Just a shade! Dolly, I haven't seen your new fish-pond. Is
+anybody going to meet the Professor?</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Glancing at</i> <span class="smcap">Renie.</span></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> I am. [<i>Linking his arm in</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas's.</span>] We'll get into an
+unvarying routine of exercise for the next hour. Come along!</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Takes</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span> <i>off as he is exchanging a look with</i> <span class="smcap">Renie</span>. <span class="smcap">Renie</span>
+<i>makes to follow them, stops at door, turns back a little, stops,
+takes out</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas's</span> <i>letter from her French novel, goes to fire and
+reads it. Meanwhile the following scene takes place between</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly</span>
+<i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Harry.</span></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly.</span>] Now, Dolly, we can go through your bills.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Going
+to her writing-desk.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes. Hadn't I better sort them out first?</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Taking up bills.</i>] Oh, I'll help you sort them out&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Take care! You'll muddle all my papers. [<i>Taking bills out of
+his hands, and closing down the writing-desk.</i>] I want to have a little
+talk with Renie&mdash;you'd better join them at the fish-pond.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Well, so long as you do get them sorted, and squared up. What
+about after tea?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> All right. After tea.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> After tea. We'll have a nice cosy half-hour, all to ourselves,
+and sweep them all out of our minds.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>With a gesture.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Nods cheerfully.</i>] Yes, a nice cosy half-hour and sweep them
+all out of our minds. [<i>With his gesture. Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Harry</span> <i>briskly. She
+repeats his gesture.</i>] <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[25]</a></span>
+Sweep them all out of our minds. [<i>Opening desk
+and regarding bills with dismay.</i>] Oh, don't I wish I could! Oh, Renie!</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<span class="smcap">Renie</span> <i>is busy with her letter at the fire.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Puts letter into pocket.</i>] What is it?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Has taken up one or two bills.</i>] These bills! These awful
+bills! These vampires!</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Yes, dear! I suppose it's rather dreadful, but it must be sweet
+to have a dear, kind husband who'll pay them all off.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Harry? He made a dreadful fuss last time. And then I didn't
+show him all.</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Well, dear, after all, it's only bills&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Only bills! Only? Well, I'm going to show him every one this
+time. And what a lesson it shall be to me! That's why I'm so grateful to
+Mr. Pilcher.</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Why?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yesterday afternoon I thought I'd screw up my courage to go
+through the bills just to see where I was. My dear, I was paralysed! I
+had the most appalling time! Well, Mr. Pilcher's sermon came just in the
+nick of time. I thought "what an idiot I must be to endure all this
+misery just for want of a little resolution."</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Mr. Pilcher's sermon came just in the nick of time for me too.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Did it?</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> I had an awful afternoon yesterday!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> You?! You haven't any bills?</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> No! [<i>Sighs.</i>] I almost wish I had.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Wish you had?!</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> I almost envy you the delicious experience of having to
+confess&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes dear, you always were fond of scenes, but I'm not!</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> And then the heavenly feeling of being forgiven, and taken in
+the arms of the man you love!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[26]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes, that part of it is all right. It's what comes before&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>With a little shudder.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> After all, your husband isn't a machine. He is a human being!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Oh, Harry's a perfect dear in most things, but he has got a
+temper!</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> My husband never even swears at me! Oh, Dolly, you are lucky!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Hum!</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Oh, Dolly&mdash;&mdash; [<i>Sighs and goes away.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Is anything the matter?</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> No dear. Nothing, except&mdash;oh, life is so hard! so hard!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Renie, if you're in trouble&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Thank you, dear. I knew you'd help me.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes, so long as it isn't money. And even then I'd help you,
+only I can't.</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> It isn't money.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Then what is it?</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Looking at</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>curiously.</i>] I wonder if you would
+understand.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> I'll do my best.</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> It's such a strange story. [<i>Moving away,</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>makes a
+little dubious grimace behind her back.</i> <span class="smcap">Renie</span> <i>suddenly comes up to</i>
+<span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>very effusively.</i>] Dolly, I will trust you. You know I thoroughly
+admire and honour my husband.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>A little startled.</i>] Ye-es.</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> You know that nothing could ever induce me to wrong him for a
+moment?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> No&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Nothing could be further from my thoughts.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> No&mdash;but is there anybody&mdash;Renie, who is it?</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Give me your sacred promise you'll never breathe a word to any
+living soul?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[27]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Not a word&mdash;who is it?</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Not even to your husband?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Not even to my husband.</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Nor to him?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Him? No, of course not. Who is it?</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Well, dear, you know what my life has been. Few women have met
+with so little real sympathy as I. Few women have suffered&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> No, dear. Who is it? Do I know him?</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Your cousin Lucas has a deep and sincere admiration for me.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Lu!? Lu!? Of course! I might have known he'd never ride a dozen
+miles in the snow for a sermon! It's disgraceful of him!</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> No, dear, he's not to blame. We are neither of us to blame.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Contemptuously.</i>] Oh! Why you haven't known him a month, have
+you?</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> I met him for the first time in this room three weeks ago last
+Thursday afternoon.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> It's a great pity the Professor didn't come down with you.</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> That would have made no difference. It had to be!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> What had to be? Renie, how far has this gone? You've been
+meeting him alone&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Once or twice.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> You've slipped away every afternoon this week.</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> However often I may have met him, he has offered me nothing but
+the most chivalrous attention. He has always respected me&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Well then, he mustn't respect you any more. It must be stopped.</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Dolly, I didn't expect you to take up this attitude.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[28]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> You don't suppose I'm going to have this sort of thing in my
+own house, do you?</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> What sort of thing?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Do you remember the awful row I got into at school when your
+boy's love letter was discovered in the Banbury cakes you'd persuaded me
+to take in for you?</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> But you received Banbury cakes of your own!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Not since I've been married. Of course before your marriage
+your outrageous flirting didn't much matter&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Outrageous flirting?&mdash;If I seemed to flirt&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Seemed?!</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> It was only in the vain hope of meeting with one who could
+offer me the perfect homage that I have always felt would one day be
+mine.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Well, he mustn't offer it here! I shall tell him so very
+plainly. He'd better not stay to dinner.</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> There is no reason Captain Wentworth should not stay to dinner.
+He has given me the one absolutely blameless unselfish devotion of his
+life. I've accepted it on that distinct understanding. I've trusted you
+with my secret, a secret honourable alike to Captain Wentworth and
+myself. You've promised not to breathe a word to any living soul. You
+surely don't mean to break your word?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> I don't mean to stand the racket of your Banbury cakes.</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> I didn't expect you to be so unsympathetic. You promised to
+help me!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Help you! How did you expect me to help you?</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> My husband has to go to Edinburgh next week to give a course of
+lectures there.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[29]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Well?</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> He wants me to go with him. Dearest, it would be perfectly
+sweet of you to ask me to stay on another fortnight here.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Makes a little movement of indignant surprise.</i>] I see!</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> There could be no possible harm in it now that you know our
+attachment is quite innocent and that you can look after me every
+moment. Dearest, you might oblige me in a tiny little matter like this.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>After a pause.</i>] I'll think it over&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Thank you so much.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Renie, you said Mr. Pilcher's sermon came just in the nick of
+time&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> So it did.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> You don't call this the "nick of time"?!</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Yes, indeed. I went to church in a perfect fever. I didn't know
+what to do. Well, as I listened to Mr. Pilcher everything became quite
+clear to me. I resolved I would accept Captain Wentworth's pure
+unselfish devotion and make it a lever to raise all my ideals and
+aspirations!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> But there wasn't anything in Mr. Pilcher's sermon about&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Oh yes, there was a lot about ideals and aspirations.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes, but not the sort of aspirations you have for Lucas. I
+suppose you know he makes love to every woman he comes across?</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> He told me he had been led into one or two unworthy
+attachments.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes! That's quite right. So he has! One or two!</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> That was before he met me.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes, and this will be before he meets the next lady.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[30]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Looks at</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>severely.</i>] My dear Dolly, with your light
+frivolous nature it is impossible for you to understand a pure and
+exalted attachment like ours. Listen! [<i>Taking out a letter.</i>] This will
+show you his fine nature, his fine feelings&mdash;"From the first moment I
+saw you&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>enters.</i></div>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Putting letter in pocket.</i>] Well, have you had a
+<a name="corr4" id="corr4"></a><a class="correction" href="#cn4" title="changed from 'plesant'">pleasant</a>
+walk?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Very pleasant&mdash;and instructive. The Professor asked me to remind
+you that he's waiting for you at the fish-pond.</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> I'd better go. I shall get a little lecture all to myself if I
+don't. [<i>Going off, to</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly.</span>] Thank you, dear, so much for your kind
+invitation to stay on!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Don't mention it!</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> I shall try to manage it. [<i>Exit.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes, I'm sure you will.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Mrs. Sturgess going to stay on?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> She wants me to invite her. But I won't if I can help it.
+[<i>Goes to him suddenly.</i>] Dad!</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Well?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> That wretched Lucas!</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> What about him?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> No, I've promised her not to breathe a word. So you must guess.
+[<i>Pause.</i>] Have you guessed?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>After a pause.</i>] Yes. Well, I&mdash;[<i>Begins to chuckle.</i>] So Lucas
+is up to his old games!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> My own guest! Under my own roof! It's too horrid of him.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Chuckling.</i>] It is! It's too bad! The rascal.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Oh, it's more than half her fault! It's just like her!</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>suddenly bursts from a chuckle into a roar.</i></p></div><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[31]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> What are you laughing at?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> I've just left&mdash;&mdash; [<i>Chuckling.</i>] I've just left the Professor
+down at the fish-pond explaining to Lucas all about his gray matter,
+and&mdash;&mdash; [<i>Roars.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> I don't see anything to laugh at.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Twelve miles in the snow&mdash;&mdash; I say, Doll, we're making a
+splendid start for the New Year! [<i>Laughing.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Dad! Will you please leave off? [<i>Shaking his shoulder.</i>] Will
+you be serious?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Yes, my dear!! [<i>Pulling himself together and straightening his
+features.</i>] Yes, I will. After all, it's a serious matter.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> It's very serious for me, in a neighbourhood like this!</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> It's serious for me, as I was Lucas's guardian. And it's serious
+for him. If he goes and plays the fool, it may spoil his career&mdash;the
+young ass!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Very well, then, will you please treat it seriously and set to
+work and help me?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> How far have matters gone?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Oh, there's no real harm done at present.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> How do you know?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Oh, Lucas is writing her silly letters and she's talking about
+his pure and exalted devotion, and making it a lever to raise all her
+ideals and aspirations.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Shakes his head.</i>] That looks bad! That looks very dangerous
+for her.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Oh, no; she knows how to take care of herself. But it's
+dangerous for me!</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> How, dangerous for you?!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> If there's the least bit of scandal she'll contrive to drag me
+into it! I know her so well.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Walking about, cogitating.</i>] Yes, and we mustn't let Lucas
+make a mess of it.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> What can we do?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[32]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> When I was over at Aldershot last week Sir John said something
+about giving Lucas an A. D. C. in India. I'll drive over to-morrow and
+ask Sir John to pack Lucas out of the country for a year or two!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> That's a good idea. But it may take some time?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> A week or so, perhaps more.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> But if they find out they're going to be parted, it is just
+this next week when there will be all the danger.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> That's true.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> They ought to be parted to-night.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> They ought! They ought! Not a doubt about it! Not a shadow of
+doubt! They ought to be parted to-night!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Dad! I believe I can frighten Renie out of it.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Frighten her?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> I'll try! And you must take Lucas in hand&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> H'm! Isn't Harry the right person&mdash;&mdash;?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> No, I sha'n't tell Harry. Harry would only get into a temper
+and muddle it. No, you must get Lucas to take himself off.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Take himself off!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> I won't have him here. You can tell him so. Be very severe with
+him.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Dubious.</i>] H'm!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Take a very high tone.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> I'm not sure that taking a high tone is quite in my line.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Then please try it. Dad, you do realize how very serious this
+is, don't you?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Yes, of course. Very well, I'll tackle Lucas. We'll see what a
+high tone will do with him. Heigho! Sad! Sad!! Sad!!!&mdash;Sad! Sad!!
+Sad!!!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[33]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Hush!</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><span class="smcap">Lucas</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Harry</span> <i>enter.</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span> <i>looks round for</i> <span class="smcap">Renie</span>. <span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>and</i>
+<span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>talk in whispers as if settling a plan.</i> <span class="smcap">Harry</span> <i>goes up to the
+collecting-box, takes out his knife and begins to scrape off the label.</i></div>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>In a very severe tone to</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span>, <i>who is peeping into
+conservatory.</i>] Are you looking for anything?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> I was wondering whether there was any tea going.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Same severe tone.</i>] The tea is not in the conservatory.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> No, but I thought it might be getting on to the
+<a name="corr5" id="corr5"></a><a class="correction" href="#cn5" title="changed from 'time---- w'">
+time&mdash;&mdash;</a></p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Same tone.</i>] The tea will be served in due course.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> [<i>Surprised at her tone.</i>] Is anything the matter?</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>looks at him severely, says nothing, turns to</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span>. <span class="smcap">Lucas</span>
+<i>looks puzzled, goes away, and again looks furtively into
+conservatory for</i> <span class="smcap">Renie</span>.</p></div>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Scraping away at the collecting-box.</i>] Don't forget,
+Doll&mdash;our cosy half hour after tea&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Nodding at the writing-desk.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> I won't forget.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Has come up behind</i> <span class="smcap">Harry</span>, <i>touches the arm he is scraping
+with.</i>] Hospital for Incurables! I shouldn't scrape that off at present.</p>
+
+<p><br /></p>
+<p class="center">CURTAIN.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[34]</a></span></p>
+<p class="center">(<i>Four or five hours pass between Acts I and II.</i>)</p>
+
+<h3><a name="ACT_II" id="ACT_II"></a>ACT II.</h3>
+
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Scene</span>: <i>The same, on the same evening, after dinner. The sofa is now
+brought down below the fireplace, and fronts the audience a little
+diagonally, its right end being farthest up stage. The small table with
+the hospital box, and the easy chair are above the sofa, a little to the
+right of it.</i></p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Renie</span>, <i>much distressed and agitated.</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>follows quickly,
+closes the door cautiously and mysteriously.</i></div>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> But I don't understand. Captain Wentworth and I have been so
+little together&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Well, my dear, there it is! My father is the last man to pry
+into other people's affairs, but you see it has been forced upon his
+notice. And from the tone he took&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> What tone?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> He was very severe.</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Alarmed.</i>] But what did he say he had seen?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> He wouldn't go into particulars. He seemed very much upset&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Upset?!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Perhaps I ought to say shocked.</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Shocked?!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> And when my father is shocked it must be something very
+glaring&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>More and more alarmed.</i>] But there hasn't been anything
+glaring&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Well, dear, of course, you know.</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> But I cannot imagine&mdash;&mdash; [<i>Suddenly.</i>] It must have been that
+day at the stile!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[35]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Perhaps. What happened? No, I don't wish to hear&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Captain Wentworth assisted me over the stile&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Well?&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> That's all. He may have taken a little longer about it than was
+quite necessary, and I may have leaned a little heavier than the
+circumstances required. But it was all done in perfectly good taste.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Shakes her head.</i>] It can't have been the stile.</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Then what&mdash;&mdash;? [<i>Cudgels her brains.</i>] The dairy!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Very likely. Was that very&mdash;no, don't tell me&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> There's nothing to tell. The woman at the farm, Mrs.&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Biggs&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Biggs, asked me to go over her model dairy.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Did she ask Lucas?</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> He came. Mrs. Biggs insisted on our tasting her mince pies&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Mince pies&mdash;? Yes?</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> While she went to get one&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Get one&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> She wasn't out of the dairy ten seconds&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> No&mdash;and then?</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Captain Wentworth&mdash;&mdash; a&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Respected you!</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Firing up.</i>] He is always most respectful! In the most
+delicate, exquisitely chivalrous way, he implored me for one first and
+only kiss, and just as I was refusing him, somebody passed the dairy
+windows&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> My father often strolls that way&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[36]</a></span></p>
+<p><i>Renie.</i> But I was quite cold and correct&mdash;&mdash; [<i>Very anxiously.</i>]
+Dolly, tell me exactly what Mr. Barron said?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> At first he was going to speak to you himself, but I said, "No,
+that's my duty! I'm her oldest friend; I'll talk to her!"</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Ye&mdash;es?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> So, at last he consented, and said: "Very well. Be very firm
+with her, because this sort of thing taking place under my very nose and
+under my daughter's roof is what I cannot, and will not, tolerate for
+one moment!"</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> He must have passed the dairy windows!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes.</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> And jumped to a wrong conclusion.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes. And that isn't the worst&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Freshly alarmed.</i>] Not the worst?!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Now, don't be alarmed, dear&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> About what?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Didn't you notice something strange in your husband's manner at
+dinner?</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> No. What makes you think&mdash;&mdash;?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> My dear, if my father noticed it, why not your husband? Suppose
+all this time the Professor has been quietly, stealthily watching you
+and Lucas.</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Alarmed.</i>] Dolly!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> And waiting his time&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Oh, Dolly!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Didn't you notice how he insisted on your going to the
+fish-pond?</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Yes, he did!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Didn't it strike you there was something in that?</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> No, and he hasn't said anything&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Of course not. Naturally he would hide his suspicions from you
+till the right moment.</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Right moment?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[37]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Now, dear, you see how serious things are. You mustn't run any
+more risks. This must be broken off to-night.</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> To-night?!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Now, what can I do to help you?</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> You might tell Mr. Barron there was nothing in the dairy
+windows.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Of course I'll tell him, but if he saw&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> But there was nothing. Absolutely nothing&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> No, dear. What else can I do?</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Could you find out exactly how much he has seen and heard,
+and&mdash;a&mdash;pump him a little?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> I don't like pumping people&mdash;still&mdash;What else?</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Breaking down.</i>] Oh, Dolly, this blow could not have fallen
+at a more cruel moment.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> No, dear.</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> It came just when I had lost all the illusions of girlhood,
+when all my woman's nature began to cry out&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes&mdash;[<i>Suddenly.</i>] Hark! [<i>Listens.</i>] Hush!</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Creeps up to door, listens, opens it, looks out, closes it
+again.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> What was it?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Hush! Voices! I thought it might be Lucas and the Professor
+quarrelling.</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> I really don't think my husband suspects&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> No, I daresay it's only my imagination.</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> And if he did&mdash;Dolly, is there one man living, except my
+husband, who would condemn me for being the object of a noble,
+single-hearted devotion like Captain Wentworth's?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> No, dear, perhaps not. But, you see, as<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[38]</a></span> husbands they take
+quite a different view of things from what they do merely as men.</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Tell me candidly, Dolly, you see nothing wrong in it, do you?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Well, dear, when you say wrong&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> But I assure you there isn't&mdash;nothing could be further from my
+thoughts.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> No, dear&mdash;still, people are so full of prejudice&mdash;now what can
+I do?</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Clasping</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly's</span> <i>hand warmly.</i>] Oh, Dolly, you can help me
+so much.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>A little alarmed.</i>] Can I? Tell me&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> If Lucas and I are parted&mdash;&mdash; [<i>Breaks down.</i>] I can't bear it!
+I can't bear it!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Try, dear! Try!</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Sobbing.</i>] I will. And if at any time I long to hear how he
+bears our separation, you won't mind receiving a letter, and sending it
+on to me?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> I'm afraid I couldn't do that, dear. You see, I'm so careless,
+and if I left the letter about, and Harry found it&mdash;no, dear&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> You won't help me?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes, dear, I'll do anything in my power! [<i>Suddenly.</i>] I'll
+tell you what I can do!</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Yes?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> My father is telling Lucas he must leave to-night. Well, I can
+spare you all the pain and misery of saying "Good-bye," and take one
+last message to him.</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Curtly.</i>] No, thank you. It's most unkind of you to send him
+away like this. I must see him alone before he goes.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Shakes her head.</i>] My father insists, and suppose Lucas feels
+that he owes it to your reputation to go quietly&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Without seeing me?!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[39]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> And suppose the Professor is really watching you&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<span class="smcap">Renie</span> shows great perplexity. <span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>is watching her.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> If you don't see Lucas, what message shall I take him?</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Tell him how proud I am of his noble, unselfish devotion; tell
+him I shall always look upon it as the one supreme happiness of my life
+to have known him&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><i>The</i> <span class="smcap">Professor</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Matthew</span> <i>enter. The</i> <span class="smcap">Professor</span> <i>has diagrams and
+illustrations in his hand. Following the</i> <span class="smcap">Professor</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>are</i>
+<span class="smcap">Harry</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas. Lucas</span>, <i>after a little time, comes up to</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>and</i>
+<span class="smcap">Renie</span>, <i>who are seated on sofa. The</i> <span class="smcap">Professor</span> <i>is speaking to</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>as
+he enters, and is showing him an illustration.</i></div>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> [<i>In his hard, metallic voice.</i>] Observe that woman's facial
+angle&mdash;[<i>pointing</i>] the peculiar curve of the lip, and the irregular
+formation of the nose.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Describing a little upward curve on the paper with his thumb.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> I have seen sweeter things in ladies' lips and noses.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Describing the same little upward curve with his thumb on the
+paper.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> Can you be surprised at her history?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Who was she?</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> Jane Sweetman, the notorious trigamist. Looking at that woman's
+cranium I maintain it was impossible for her to avoid&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Committing trigamy?</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> Well, some species of grave moral delinquency.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[40]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>clutches</i> <span class="smcap">Renie's</span> <i>wrist significantly. The</i> <span class="smcap">Professor</span>
+<i>hands the illustration to</i> <span class="smcap">Harry</span>, <i>who examines it.</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>moves
+away a step and unobtrusively feels his own nose and forehead.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Has examined the illustration.</i>] By Jove, yes&mdash;anybody can
+see she was bound to come a moral cropper, eh?</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>He hands the illustration to</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly</span>, <i>who passes it to</i> <span class="smcap">Renie</span>,
+<i>with a very significant glance, pointing out something on the
+paper.</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span> <i>leans over the back of the sofa between</i> <span class="smcap">Renie</span> <i>and</i>
+<span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>to look at the illustration. As he leans on the back of the
+sofa</i>, <span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>draws herself up very indignantly, gives him a severe
+look; moves a little away from him, sits and looks very severely in
+front of her. He cannot understand her attitude, draws back a
+little and looks puzzled.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> [<i>Bringing out another illustration, offering it to</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span>.] Now
+look at this.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Taking illustration.</i>] Somebody's brains!</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> Tell me if you notice anything peculiar.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<span class="smcap">Harry</span> <i>leans over</i> <span class="smcap">Matt's</span> <i>shoulder, and looks at the
+illustration.</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span> <i>again leans over the sofa, between</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly</span>
+<i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Renie. Dolly</span> <i>again moves a little further away from him with
+another indignant look.</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span> <i>is again puzzled, but bends and
+looks over the illustration in</i> <span class="smcap">Renie's</span> <i>hands.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> So that's Jane Sweetman! Well, if Jane<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[41]</a></span> was bound to come a
+moral cropper, I'm very glad I wasn't bound to come a moral cropper with
+Jane, eh, Dolly? [<i>Very pleasantly.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Very severely.</i>] I should scarcely have thought you troubled
+whom you came a moral cropper with!</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Looks at him severely, goes up to writing-desk, seats herself and
+writes letter. He feels himself snubbed, and moves a step or two
+back, stands and looks puzzled.</i> <span class="smcap">Professor</span> <i>has been critically
+regarding</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Harry</span>, <i>who have been looking at the
+illustration.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> Well, does anything strike you?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> No. [<i>Holding it out.</i>] Looks rather
+pulpy&mdash;rather&mdash;a&mdash;squashy&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> Exactly! Observe the soft, almost watery condition of that gray
+matter. What is the inevitable consequence?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> I couldn't quite say&mdash;whom did that gray matter belong to?</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> Harriet Poy.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> I don't remember Harriet&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> The Pyromaniac. At the age of four set fire to her mother's bed.
+At twelve was found saturating blankets with petroleum; at sixteen fired
+three hayricks, for which she was sentenced to six months' imprisonment.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Poor Harriet! But of course if her gray matter went and got
+watery&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> Just so! I maintain that with her gray matter in that condition
+it was a stupid crime to send her to prison.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Looking round from desk.</i>] But what are we to do with people
+whose gray matter goes wrong?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[42]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> I propose to deal with that question at Edinburgh. [<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span>.]
+You might, perhaps, care to run down to Edinburgh for my lectures&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> I should love it above all things; but the fact is, I'm so
+thoroughly of your opinion&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> Are you?! I'm delighted I've convinced you.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Completely. All my life I've been doing things I should never
+have dreamed of doing if my gray matter had done its duty and not got
+watery.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Begins.</i>] Yes, when you come to think of all the rotten
+things you find yourself doing, you feel, by Jove&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Suddenly recalls that he has said "by Jove," and being near the
+collection-box, he quietly pulls sixpence out of his pocket and
+drops it in.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Bravo, Harry! [<i>Patting him.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Oh, I mean it!&mdash;Professor, isn't it time for our hundred up?</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> [<i>Taking out watch.</i>] In two minutes.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> I'll go and get the balls out and chalk the cues. [<i>Going up to
+door.</i>] Doll, [<i>taps the writing-desk</i>] you put it off after
+tea&mdash;by-and-by, you know!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>She has finished letter, has risen, and closed
+writing-desk.</i>] By-and-by.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Before we go to bed&mdash;don't forget.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Oh, I sha'n't forget.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Makes a wry face. Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Harry</span>.</p></div>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> Renie, you were complaining of headache. It would be wise to
+take a short stroll in the cool air.</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Oh, very well.</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> Wrap up thoroughly. Ten minutes, not longer.</p>
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[43]</a></span></p>
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Exit.</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly</span>, <i>unseen by</i> <span class="smcap">Renie</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span>, <i>slips the note she
+has been writing into</i> <span class="smcap">Matt's</span> <i>hands. He takes it down stage,
+right, and reads it.</i> <span class="smcap">Renie</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span> <i>have been talking, apart;
+they move towards the door to get out, but</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>is standing in
+the way of their exit.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Oh, Renie! I'll put on my things, and come with you.</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> But Captain Wentworth has offered&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> I've a splitting headache&mdash;I must get a little air. And Dad
+wants to have a talk with Lucas, don't you?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> If he can spare five minutes.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Won't by-and-by be just as convenient?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Facing</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span>, <i>speaking firmly.</i>] No, by-and-by will not be
+just as convenient. Now, Renie, we'll leave them together.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Gets</i> <span class="smcap">Renie</span> <i>off, turns, looks daggers at</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span>, <i>goes off
+after</i> <span class="smcap">Renie</span>, <i>closes door in his face. He opens it, and goes after
+her.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> I say, Doll, what's up? [<i>Follows her off.</i>] What's the matter?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Reading</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly's</span> <i>note.</i>] "Be very severe with him. Make a
+great point of the dairy windows. He'll understand." Dairy windows?</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Puts the note in his pocket, as</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span> <i>re-enters, puzzled and
+disappointed.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> I can't think what's the matter with Dolly. She has done
+nothing but snub me all the evening.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Looking at him sternly.</i>] So I should imagine!</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> [<i>Startled by his manner.</i>] I say, have I done anything?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Done anything! I'm a man of the world! nobody can accuse me of
+being strait-laced, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[44]</a></span> therefore I suppose you think you can come here
+and set at defiance all the&mdash;&mdash;it's disgraceful!</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Would you mind telling me what you're hinting at?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> I'm not hinting! I'm going to speak out very plainly, and I tell
+you that I look upon your conduct as something atrocious!</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> I say, Uncle, what's all this about?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> What's it about? What's it about? It's about the dairy windows!</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Then it was you&mdash;phew!&mdash;so it was you?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Well, after the dairy windows, can you stand there and tell me
+you aren't thoroughly, completely, heartily ashamed of yourself?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Well, I suppose I am. But, after all, it wasn't so very bad&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Not bad?!</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Well, not so d&mdash;ee&mdash;d awful.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Regards him for a few moments.</i>] Well, I'm astonished! If you
+don't consider your behaviour d&mdash;ee&mdash;d awful, will you please find me
+some word that will describe it?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> You know you're putting a much worse construction on this than
+the necessities of the case demand.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> What?!</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> I've nothing to reproach myself with. Mrs. Biggs wasn't out of
+the dairy three minutes, and you were hanging about the windows all the
+time.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> I was hanging about the windows?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Yes, and I must say that when you saw two people engaged in an
+interesting conversation the least you could do was to pass on and take
+no notice.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> "Interesting conversation"?!</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Well, what did you call it? If it comes to that, what do you
+accuse me of?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[45]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Well, here you are, on the first day of the year, after
+listening to a most eloquent sermon, after making a solemn resolution to
+give up all your bad habits&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Excuse me, I expressly stated that I didn't mean to give up
+<i>all</i> my bad habits. And I don't call this a bad habit.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> You don't call making love to a married woman a bad habit?!</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Of course in one sense it is a bad habit. But it isn't a bad
+habit in the sense that other bad habits are bad habits. Look at all the
+decent chaps who've been led into it!</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> That doesn't excuse you. And if you think that I'm going to
+countenance your conduct, you are very much mistaken in your estimate of
+my character.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> [<i>Very quietly.</i>] May I ask you one simple question?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Well?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> When you were my age, if you found yourself alone in a dairy
+with a good-looking woman, and she was good for a dozen kisses or so,
+wouldn't you have taken advantage of it?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> No!</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Not at my age?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> No&mdash;no&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Well, what would you have done?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> I should have summoned all my resolution&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Oh, that be hanged! Come, Uncle, no humbug! Man to man!</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Well, I don't say that at your age I might not have been
+tempted&mdash;and of course we must all go through a certain amount of
+experience, or how should we be able to advise you youngsters?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> I say, no confounded nonsense&mdash;your uncle Archie&mdash;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[46]</a></span>&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Dear old chap!</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> What use did you make of his advice?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Well, I remember his talking to me very seriously&mdash;I suppose I
+was about your age&mdash;did I ever tell you, Lucas, [<i>taking</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas's</span> <i>arm
+affectionately</i>] about a very remarkable auburn-haired girl, Madge
+Seaforth?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> No.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> And my racing her across Salisbury Plain at night?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> No.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Forty-eight miles one glorious May night! I let her beat me! God
+bless her! I let her beat me! And just as the sun rose we caught sight
+of Salisbury spire.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Sounds rather jolly!</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Jolly? And the bacon and eggs we got through for breakfast!
+Jolly? It was romance! It was poetry! Ah! Lu, my boy, you may say what
+you like, there's nothing like it on this side heaven. I told you about
+Mrs. Satterwaite dressing up as a widow and selling her husband?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> No?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Well, I bet the little hussy a fiver. Oh, Satterwaite richly
+deserved all he got&mdash;I can see Satterwaite's face now, and hers, as she
+stepped out of the cupboard, with the wickedest twinkle in the wickedest
+black eye! Ho! Ho! Heigho! Sad! Sad!! Sad!!!&mdash;Sad! Sad!! Sad!!! Come,
+come, Lucas! This won't do! This will never do! Now to get back to this
+business of yours&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Well&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> When I was your guardian I let you have a pretty good fling?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> You did!</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> The pace was rather scorching?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[47]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Rather!</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> I never pulled you up?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> No, and I'm grateful.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Shaking hands very cordially.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> That's all right. Now, old chap, you've got to pull up!</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Pull up?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Short. This Mrs. Sturgess&mdash;Dolly says there's a lot of nonsense
+going on, gushing letters and so on,&mdash;damned silly thing writing
+letters, Lu&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Yes, I know.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Well, what do you do it for?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> I don't know.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> You're seeing her every day. If you must carry on this
+tomfoolery, why not do it by word of mouth? Why write it down, to show
+what an ass you've been?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> I'm sure I don't know.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Do you know why you're carrying on with her at all?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Well, naturally a chap&mdash;naturally&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> You're either in love with her, or you aren't?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> I can't say I'm exactly in love with her&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Then why are you making love to her?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Well, she's a jolly good-looking woman, and naturally a
+chap&mdash;naturally&mdash;I don't know that I ain't a bit in love with her.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Well, it doesn't much matter. If you aren't in love with her
+you're a fool to risk a scandal. If you are in love you'll most likely
+do some silly jackass thing that will knock your career on the head, eh?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Well, when you look at it that way&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Look at it that way! Anyhow, she's a married woman, and you're
+here as a guest&mdash;it isn't the right thing to do, is it?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> No, it isn't.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[48]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Very well, then, don't do it. Don't do it! Cut it! You will?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> I've got to, I suppose.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Yes, you've got to. You can tell Doll I gave it to you hot and
+strong, and you're going to clear out, and not see Mrs. Sturgess
+again&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Not see her again?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Isn't that what you mean to do?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Yes, I suppose. I say, what did you see at the dairy windows?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> I didn't see anything at all!</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Nothing at all?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> I wasn't there!</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Then how&mdash;&mdash;?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Dolly put me up to it. [<i>Laughs at him.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Dolly?</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>enters with a cloak which she throws on sofa.</i></div>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Ah, Doll&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Looking severely at</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span>.] Have you spoken to him?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Yes, very seriously, extra seriously, and he's going to do the
+right thing and clear out, aren't you, Lucas?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> [<i>A little unwillingly.</i>] Yes.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Clapping him on the shoulder.</i>] Good chap! Good chap!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Still a little severe.</i>] I'm pleased to hear it. [<i>To</i>
+<span class="smcap">Lucas</span>.] You've behaved in a most scandalous&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> He has. I've told him all that. [<i>Winks at</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>to keep her
+quiet.</i>] And he sees it quite plainly, don't you?</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Winks at</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span> <i>to
+prompt him.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Then it's quite broken off?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Quite! Isn't it, Lu?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Yes, I suppose. I should like to say&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[49]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> That nothing has taken place which, if rightly looked at, could
+reflect discredit either upon the lady, or, I hope, upon myself. And
+secondly, whatever fault there may have been, is entirely mine.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> That's satisfactory! It always ought to be the man's fault.
+Heaven forbid it should ever be theirs. Good chap! Good chap! [<i>Patting
+him.</i>] Dolly, he's behaving splendidly. Now, Lu, good-night.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>rings bell.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> [<i>Surprised.</i>] Good-night?!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Good-night, and good-bye! [<i>Holding out her hand.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> You aren't going to turn me out to-night!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> You said it was quite broken off.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Yes, but&mdash;&mdash; [<i>turns to</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>with appealing gesture.</i> Uncle,
+you didn't mean to pack me off like this&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Yes, my boy! Remember the occasion. First day of the New Year.
+Take time by the forelock. Off you go!</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Taking him by the shoulder and trying to get him off.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> [<i>Resisting.</i>] Oh no! I don't see it in that light at all.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Sinks comfortably into arm-chair.</i></p></div>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><span class="smcap">Criddle</span> <i>appears at door.</i></div>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Criddle, please have Captain Wentworth's portmanteau taken to
+the billiard-room.</p>
+
+<p><i>Criddle.</i> Yes, ma'am.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> He wishes to change there, and please send to the Red Lion and
+ask them to have Captain Wentworth's horse saddled.</p>
+
+<p><i>Criddle.</i> Yes, ma'am. [<i>Going.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Criddle, what's the weather like?</p>
+
+<p><i>Criddle.</i> It's a bit colder, sir. Looks as if we were going to have
+another heavy fall of snow.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[50]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> I don't think I'll go to-night, Criddle. If I want the gee
+saddled, I'll go and tell them myself.</p>
+
+<p><i>Criddle.</i> Yes, sir. [<i>Exit.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> [<i>In arm-chair.</i>] I say, Dolly, you don't really expect me to
+go careering over that heath at this ungodly hour?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> You can't stay here. Renie is very much upset; she has had
+hysterics. So I've put her in the spare room.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Well, you can give me a shake-down somewhere&mdash;in the
+billiard-room.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Shakes her head.</i>] I can't ask the servants to make up
+impossible beds in impossible places at this ungodly hour.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> I call this beastly unfair of you, Doll.</p>
+
+<p><a name="corr6" id="corr6"></a><a class="correction" href="#cn6" title="changed from 'Doll.'"><i>Dolly.</i></a> Unfair?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Just as I'd summoned up all my resolution to do the right
+thing, and avoid ructions for your sake, you pounce down on me, and
+order me off the premises, and&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Getting angry.</i>] If you don't behave yourself and go off
+quietly, I shall have to order you off the premises.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Makes an appeal by gesture to</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>to get him off.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Now, my hero! [<i>Lifting him out of the arm-chair.</i>] Buckle on
+your armor! Sally forth! Once more unto the breach!</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>With some difficulty he raises</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span> <i>out of the chair.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Well, I'll go and have a look at the weather. [<i>Goes sulkily up
+to door.</i>] Mind you, if you turn me out I won't be responsible if
+there's a flare up&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Very well, so long as we don't have a flare-up here. Oh!</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Rings the bell again.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[51]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> [<i>Goes off, sulky, muttering.</i>] Of all the&mdash;turning me
+out&mdash;beastly infernal nuisance!</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Exit grumbling, leaving door open.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> It would serve them both right if there was to be a
+flare-up&mdash;only I'm sure she'd drag me into it somehow. [<span class="smcap">Criddle</span> <i>appears
+at door.</i>] Please send and ask them at the Red Lion to saddle Captain
+Wentworth's horse and send it here at once.</p>
+
+<p><i>Criddle.</i> Yes, ma'am. [<i>Exit.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Lucas is going to behave as badly over this as he did over the
+governess. Dad&mdash;&mdash;!</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Well?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Of course, Lucas is in the army, but surely he&mdash;he isn't a fair
+sample?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Oh no, oh no! Lucas is very exceptional&mdash;quite exceptional.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> I thought so! They can't all be&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Oh no! I'm glad to say&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> I'm determined he shall go to-night.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><span class="smcap">Lucas</span> <i>re-enters.</i></div>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> I say, Dolly, I wish you'd come and look at the weather.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> What for?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> There's a great black cloud&mdash;it's going to come down!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Enraged.</i>] I don't care if the heavens come down! You're
+going back to Aldershot to-night.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> But I tell you&mdash;&mdash; [<i>Appeals to</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span>.] It's simply impossible
+for me to ride across that heath&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> But you rode across it last night in a howling snowstorm&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Yes, I did! Last night! And never again, thank you! No! I don't
+mind shaking down anywhere to oblige&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[52]</a></span></p><div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>He is about to drop again into the arm-chair, but</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>gently
+pushes him aside and drops into the chair himself.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> [<i>Going to sofa.</i>] Anywhere to oblige!</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Drops comfortably on to sofa.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Comes up to him finally.</i>] Lucas, this is abominable! I
+suppose you think because we treated you so leniently over that wretched
+governess&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Well, I thought you were pretty deuced hard down on us&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> What?! Oh! [<i>Appeals to</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> I didn't mind your slanging me, but you might have had a little
+consideration for her feelings, because, after all, she was one of your
+own sex!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> My own sex! The minx!</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> And an orphan!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Orphan! [<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span>.] Go and speak to him! Go and speak to him!</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>rises and goes to</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span>. <span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>sits down in despair.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Come, Lu. You're not playing the game! You promised to take
+yourself off.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> [<i>Comfortably seated.</i>] Well, I will take myself off, only let
+me take myself off in my own way.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> It's useless your staying! Renie won't see you again.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Won't she?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> No. She gave me a last message for you&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Did she? Why didn't you give it to me?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> If I tell you, will you take yourself off?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Yes, of course. What was her last message?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> She said "She should always value your noble devotion, and be
+proud that she had known you; but you must see how hopeless it was, and
+that she trusted you would go away at once and leave her to respect you,
+as you had always respected her!"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[53]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> A very pretty, touching little adieu! Does her great credit.
+Now, Lu! Cut it! Come, my boy!</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Lifts him up off sofa.</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span> <i>gets up very reluctantly.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Well, if I must go&mdash;good-night!</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Good-night. [<i>Shaking hands.</i>] I may see you to-morrow
+afternoon.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Where?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> I'm driving over to Aldershot to see Sir John. I shall look you
+up&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> I may not be there in the afternoon&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Lucas, you're coming over here&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> No&mdash;no; I'm not. You shouldn't suspect me.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> It won't be the least use your coming&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> I know that. Well, good-bye, Doll&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Good-bye. [<i>Shaking hands.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> [<i>Is going up to door slowly and reluctantly, turns.</i>] I
+suppose if I were to give you my solemn promise I wouldn't see her, I
+couldn't shake down on that sofa.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Sternly and decisively.</i>] No!</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> [<i>Goes a few more steps towards door, turns.</i>] I suppose I
+couldn't see Mrs. Sturgess? [<span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>looks indignant.</i>] Only to say
+good-bye.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> No! She was nearly undressed when I left her. She's asleep by
+now!</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Renie</span> <i>fully dressed, looking very interesting and tearful.
+Throughout the scene she preserves the air of a martyr.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Indignantly.</i>] Renie, you promised me you wouldn't come
+downstairs again!</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Yes, dear, but I felt I couldn't rest under your father's
+unjust suspicion. [<i>Goes up to</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span>, <i>seizes his hand
+sympathetically.</i>] Dolly tells me you<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[54]</a></span> have been watching the friendship
+that all unconsciously has sprung up between Captain Wentworth and
+myself&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Uncomfortable.</i>] Not exactly watching&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> I feel you may have seen, or guessed something, that has given
+you a wrong impression.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> No, no! I assure you&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> If you have, I beg you to speak out and give us a chance of
+defending ourselves. Tell us exactly what you have seen, and what you
+suspect&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> My dear Mrs. Sturgess, I haven't seen anything, and I don't
+suspect anything.</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> You really mean that?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Yes&mdash;yes&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Clasping his hand eagerly.</i>] Thank you so much. Friendship
+between a man and a woman is <i>so</i> misunderstood.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> It is.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes, Lucas had a friendship with a governess here which we all
+misunderstood&mdash;till afterwards.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> I say, Dolly, don't you&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Now that there is no chance of your misjudging our friendship,
+I don't mind saying&mdash;&mdash; [<i>Shows signs of breaking down.</i>] You won't
+misunderstand me? [<i>Clinging to his hand.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> No, no!</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> My life has not been altogether a happy one.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> I'm sure it hasn't!</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Under other circumstances&mdash;let that pass! [<i>Wrings</i> <span class="smcap">Matt's</span>
+<i>hands.</i>] Thank you, thank you! [<i>Goes to</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span>.] Captain Wentworth, I
+shall always be proud to have known you.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> I've told him all that!</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>hushes</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>with a gesture.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> I shall always cherish the memory of our<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[55]</a></span> friendship, but it
+might be misunderstood, and so [<i>breaking down, but bearing up with an
+effort</i>], you will behave like the gallant gentleman I know you to be,
+and say good-bye to me for ever!</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Nobly spoken! Very nobly spoken indeed!</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Well, if you insist&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> I do! Good-bye for ever!</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Good-bye. [<i>They have a long hand-shake.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Good-bye.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Tears herself away from him and tragically throws herself on
+sofa.</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span> <i>follows her up.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> I say, Mrs. Sturgess&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Face buried in hands, moans out.</i>] Go, go! In pity's name
+don't make it harder for me!</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> In pity's name don't make it harder for her.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Looking off at door.</i>] They'll be coming out of the
+billiard-room directly.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Now, Lucas&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><span class="smcap">Criddle</span> <i>appears at door.</i></div>
+
+<p><i>Criddle.</i> Your horse is waiting for you, sir.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> My horse?!</p>
+
+<p><i>Criddle.</i> Yes, sir, just outside.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> What on earth do they mean? A valuable horse like that&mdash;just
+clipped&mdash;standing about on a night like this&mdash;who told them?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> I did. The horse is waiting to take you back to Aldershot.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> I can't go back to Aldershot in this kit. [<i>Pointing to his
+dress-clothes.</i>] Tell them to take it back to the Red Lion!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> And Criddle, give the man Captain Wentworth's portmanteau to
+take to the Red Lion at the same time.</p>
+
+<p><i>Criddle.</i> Yes, ma'am. [<i>Exit.</i><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[56]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> [<i>Grumbling.</i>] Well, of all&mdash;&mdash;Good-bye, Mrs. Sturgess.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> You've said good-bye&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Still tragic on sofa.</i>] Farewell&mdash;for ever!</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Good-night, Dolly!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Farewell&mdash;for a good long time. [<i>Shaking hands.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Good-night, Uncle.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Good-night, Lucas. [<i>Shaking hands.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> [<i>Turns at door.</i>] Happen to have your cigar-case handy?</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>takes out cigar-case, offers it.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Could you spare two?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Certainly!</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> I've got a jolly long ride, I'll take three if you don't mind.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Do!</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Thank'ee. Well, good-night, everybody.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>gets</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span> <i>off, closes door after him.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Rouses herself from sofa.</i>] Has he gone? Is it all over?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> I hope so. [<i>Goes and rings bell twice.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Goes to</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>impulsively&mdash;and seizes his hand.</i>] At least
+this bitter experience has gained me one true friend.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Embarrassed.</i>] Yes&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Wrings his hand in gratitude.</i>] Thank you so much&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>He gets away from her and shows relief; takes out cigar and
+prepares to light it.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Standing in the middle of the room, pitying herself.</i>] That's
+where we get the worst of it, we women who have hearts! We must feel, we
+must show our feelings, and then we get trampled down in the fight. Oh,
+Dolly, how I envy you your nature!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[57]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Very chilly.</i>] Are you going into the spare room, dear?</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Anywhere! Anywhere! Yes, the spare room!</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><span class="smcap">Peters</span>, <span class="smcap">Dolly's</span> <i>maid, appears at door.</i></div>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Peters, will you bank up the fire in the spare room and make
+everything comfortable for Mrs. Sturgess?</p>
+
+<p><i>Peters.</i> Yes, ma'am. [<i>Exit.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Still in the middle of the room, pitying herself.</i>] So my
+poor little tragedy is ended! [<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Yes. Well, let's be thankful no bones are broken!</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> No bones, but how about hearts? Well, I must bear it. [<i>With a
+weary smile.</i>] Mustn't I?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> I'm afraid you must.</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Good-night! [<i>Wrings his hand with gratitude.</i>] Good-night!</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Good-night.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Gets away from her, and busies himself with his cigar, lights
+it.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Good-night, Dolly!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> I'll come up with you, and stay till you're quite comfortable.</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Shall I ever be comfortable again? Will things ever be the
+same? I wonder!</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Goes off mournfully and tragically at back with a prolonged
+sigh.</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>has seated himself on sofa and taken up paper.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Calls his attention to</i> <span class="smcap">Renie's</span> <i>exit and makes a furious
+gesture after her.</i>] I know she'll be here next Christmas!</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[58]</a></span></p>
+<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Marches down enraged to</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>and repeats in an angry, aggrieved way,
+emphasizing each word.</i>] I know that woman will be here next
+Christmas!</p></div>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Seated comfortably with his cigar and paper</i>] I daresay she
+will&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>marches indignantly and decisively to door and exit.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><br /></p>
+<p class="center">CURTAIN.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[59]</a></span></p>
+<p class="center">(<i>Half an hour passes between Acts II and III.</i>)</p>
+
+<h3><a name="ACT_III" id="ACT_III"></a>ACT III.</h3>
+
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Scene</span>: <i>The same. Discover</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>in the same seat and attitude, with
+paper and cigar.</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>enters.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Well??</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> I've had an awful time with her&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> How?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Seated.</i>] First she had another fit of hysterics&mdash;then she
+longed to go out into the night air to cool her fevered brow&mdash;then she
+moaned out something about her noble Lucas&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> And now?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> I've persuaded her to let Peters undress her. I've got her off
+my hands at last.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> That's a comfort.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Dad!</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Yes.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> I won't have her here next Christmas.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> No, I wouldn't.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Repeats in a slow, aggrieved, enraged way, emphasizing each
+syllable.</i>] Whatever happens, I will not have that woman in my house
+next Christmas. You hear that?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Yes. You won't have her here next Christmas!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> I mean it, this time. And I won't have Lucas here again for a
+very long time.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> I wouldn't.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Seated beside him.</i>] Dad, please put away that paper. You're
+going over to Aldershot to-morrow to try to get Lucas exchanged?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> I'll try.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Where can you get him sent?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[60]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i>
+<a name="corr7" id="corr7"></a><a class="correction" href="#cn7" title="changed from 'Gibralter'">
+Gibraltar</a>&mdash;India&mdash;South Africa&mdash;according as an appointment
+happens to be vacant.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> The further the better, and the longer.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><span class="smcap">Peters</span> <i>appears at door.</i></div>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Well, Peters, have you made Mrs. Sturgess comfortable?</p>
+
+<p><i>Peters.</i> I'm trying to, ma'am.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Is she in bed yet?</p>
+
+<p><i>Peters.</i> No, ma'am.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Not in bed!</p>
+
+<p><i>Peters.</i> No, ma'am, but she seems rather quieter.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> She let you undress her, I suppose?</p>
+
+<p><i>Peters.</i> I'm just going to, ma'am. She says her brain is still
+throbbing.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Throbbing!</p>
+
+<p><i>Peters.</i> And could you lend her your hop-pillow?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> You'll find it in my wardrobe.</p>
+
+<p><i>Peters.</i> Yes, ma'am.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Peters, pat up the hop-pillow for her, and insist on undressing
+her&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Peters.</i> Yes, ma'am. [<i>Going.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Don't leave her till you've seen her comfortably in bed.</p>
+
+<p><i>Peters.</i> No, ma'am.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Exit. A gust of wind and a little rattle of hail on the
+conservatory window.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Whew! The New Year means business!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> And so do I, as Lucas will find out.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> He is finding it out, on that heath!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes! [<i>With a little laugh.</i>] Ha! ha! [<i>A louder gust and
+rattle of hail.</i>] Listen! Listen! Ha! And he might have been here
+playing a comfortable rubber by the fire&mdash;if he'd simply behaved
+himself!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[61]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> If he'd "simply behaved" himself! What we all miss through not
+"simply behaving" ourselves.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Another gust.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Laughs.</i>] Ah! He's catching it! I shall insist on Renie
+driving out with me to-morrow afternoon.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Yes.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Then she can't meet Lucas. That will be another sell for
+him&mdash;[<i>Another furious gust and rattle.</i>] Listen! Ha! ha! I wonder how
+far Lucas has got!</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>A noise of something being knocked over in the conservatory,
+which is lighted.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Goes to the conservatory door, looks in; is startled.</i>] Hillo!
+hillo! What?!</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><span class="smcap">Lucas</span> <i>enters from the upper conservatory door in riding-clothes of
+first Act.</i></div>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Enraged.</i>] Lucas! [<i>More enraged.</i>] Lucas! How dare you?!</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> It's all right&mdash;don't make a fuss!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Furious.</i>] Why aren't you on the way to Aldershot?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> I didn't like the look of the weather! I didn't like the look
+of it at all! So I got them to give me a shake-down at the Red Lion&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Indignantly.</i>] Shake-down at the Red Lion!</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Yes, on their sofa! You needn't look so black! I asked you
+first, to let me have a shake-down here&mdash;on that sofa&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> But why have you come back here?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Well, I must have dropped those cigars uncle Matt gave me. I
+put them carefully in my side pocket, and when I got down to the Red
+Lion, lo and behold, they weren't there!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> You could have got a cigar at the Red Lion&mdash;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[62]</a></span>&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> [<i>Turns to</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>for sympathy.</i>] I could have got a cigar at
+the Red Lion! [<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly.</span>] No, thank you! So I thought I'd just stroll
+up here in the hope&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> In the hope of seeing Mrs. Sturgess! But she's safely in bed
+this time, and there's no possible chance of your seeing her.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> In the hope of getting Harry to give me a decent smoke. Well, I
+came into the Hall and not wishing to rile you by my hated presence&mdash;I
+slipped into the conservatory&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Harry.</span></div>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Surprised at the riding-clothes.</i>] Hillo, Lu, going back to
+Aldershot to-night?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> No, not unless the weather takes a turn. No, Dolly said that as
+the spare room was occupied, would I mind getting a shake-down at the
+Red Lion. So I did, and as I've got nothing to smoke, may I cadge a
+cigar?</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Yes, old fellow. [<i>Taking out cigar-case.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Intercepting.</i>] You said I should take charge of your cigars,
+in case you should be tempted to smoke more than two a day&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> By Jove, I forgot all about two per diem&mdash;I've been smoking all
+day. Here, Lu! [<i>About to throw cigar-case to</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas.</span>] You'd better take
+the lot and keep me out of temptation!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> No! I'll take charge of that, please.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Takes the cigar-case, looks angrily at</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span>, <i>goes to
+writing-desk, puts it in.</i></p></div>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><span class="smcap">Peters</span> <i>appears at door.</i></div>
+
+<p><i>Peters.</i> I beg pardon, ma'am, Mrs. Sturgess&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> What about her?</p>
+
+<p><i>Peters.</i> When I got back with the hop-pillow she wasn't there. I've
+looked all over the house, and I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[63]</a></span> can't find her anywhere. [<i>Glancing
+off into the conservatory.</i>] Oh, there she is!</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><span class="smcap">Renie</span> <i>enters, fully dressed from conservatory, very languidly, with
+handkerchief and smelling-salts.</i> <span class="smcap">Peters</span> <i>goes off.</i></div>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Renie!</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Looks at</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span>, <i>who is inclined to laugh, checks it, shrugs his
+shoulders and goes over to fire.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> My head was racking, I had to rush out&mdash;I've been pacing up and
+down under the veranda, up and down, up and down, up and down&mdash;[<span class="smcap">Dolly</span>
+<i>makes a little grimace of angry incredulity</i>] it's a little easier now,
+so I'll take advantage of the lull, and try to get some sleep.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes, I would.</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Good-night, dear.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Severely.</i>] Good-night once more.</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Good-night, Mr. Telfer. [<i>Offering hand.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Good-night, I'm awfully sorry&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>With her weary smile.</i>] Oh, it's only a headache. I can bear
+it. Thank you for your sympathy. [<i>Wringing his hand in fervent
+gratitude.</i>] Good-night, Mr. Barron.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Good-night. I hope we sha'n't have any more little tragedies,
+eh?</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Very fervently.</i>] I hope not, oh, I hope not! [<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span>
+<i>very casually and distantly.</i>] Good-night, Captain Wentworth.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> [<i>Same tone.</i>] Good-night, Mrs. Sturgess.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Renie</span>. <span class="smcap">Peters</span> <i>is seen to join her in the hall. A little
+pause.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Well, I'll be toddling back to the Red Lion. Good-night, Dolly.
+[<span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>looks at him, furious, turns away.</i> <span class="smcap">Harry</span> <i>looks a little
+surprised.</i>] Good-night, Harry.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[64]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Harry</i>. Good-night, Lu. Seems a pity for you to turn out on a night
+like this. Dolly, can't we give him a shake-down&mdash;&mdash;?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> No!</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<span class="smcap">Harry</span> <i>shows surprise at her tone. A little pause of
+embarrassment.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Good-night, Uncle Matt.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Comes up to him, in a low voice.</i>] Cut it, my dear lad. Cut
+it! That's understood?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Yes, of course. Well, good-night, Dolly, once more. [<i>She
+doesn't reply.</i>] Oh well, if you're going on the rampage&mdash;[<i>Goes off
+muttering.</i>] Infernal nuisance&mdash;night like this&mdash;&mdash; [<i>Exit.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Is anything the matter?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Lucas has offended me very much. I don't wish to speak of it.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><i>The</i> <span class="smcap">Professor</span> <i>enters at back.</i></div>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Well, who was the victor?</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> The Professor won all four games.</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> I ascribe the increased accuracy of my stroke at billiards to my
+increased nerve force, now I have made Pableine my staple article of
+diet in place of meat.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Flies to the gray matter, eh?</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> Instantaneously.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Good stuff!</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> I hope you'll try it. Shall I send a tin to your room?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Will you? That will be kind!</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><span class="smcap">Criddle</span> <i>appears at door.</i></div>
+
+<p><i>Criddle.</i> I've put the spirits in the hall, sir.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> You can take them away, Criddle. In the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[65]</a></span> future we shall not
+require spirits at night, only soda water and tea.</p>
+
+<p><i>Criddle.</i> Yes, sir. [<i>Exit.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Who has been sitting wearily on sofa, rises.</i>] Well, I'm
+going to bed.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> You forget, dear.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> What? [<span class="smcap">Harry</span> <i>taps the writing-desk.</i>] Oh, my dear Harry, we
+won't go into them to-night.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Yes, my dear, if you please. [<i>Very firmly.</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>makes an
+impatient gesture and pouts.</i>] Please don't look like that. If I'm to
+help you in paying off these bills, it must be to-night, or not at all.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Oh, very well, but&mdash;&mdash; [<i>Sits down wearily.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> [<i>Taking out watch.</i>] Five minutes past my usual hour.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Renie has one of her bad headaches, so I've put her in the
+spare room.</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> Thank you. I'm afraid she's a little wilful. I can never get her
+to see that life can yield us no real satisfaction unless we regulate
+all our actions to the most minute point. Good-night.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Good-night. [<i>Shaking hands.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> Good-night, Telfer.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Good-night. [<i>Shaking hands.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Good-night, Harry.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Good-night, Dad. [<i>Shaking hands.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly.</span>] Night-night, dear.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Night-night, Dad. [<i>Kissing him.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> [<i>Has been waiting at door.</i>] I might perhaps show you the
+precise way of mixing the Pableine.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> That would be kind! What's the dose?</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> Two teaspoonfuls. On certain occasions I have taken as much as
+four tablespoonfuls.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Wasn't that rather&mdash;going it?</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> No. It's quite tasteless, except for a very slight beany
+flavor.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[66]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Sounds just the thing for a New Year's drink, to brace up good
+resolutions. Come along! I'll have a regular night-cap of it. </p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Exeunt</i>
+<span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Professor.</span></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Now we can have our cosy half hour.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Ye-es. I've had an awful evening with Lucas. Don't you
+think&mdash;&mdash;?</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> No, my darling. You put it off after tea&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> But our heads will be so much clearer in the morning&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Very solemnly and severely.</i>] My darling, remember what
+Pilcher said about procrastination. And remember our resolutions last
+night. If we break them on the first night of the year, where shall we
+be on the thirty-first of December?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> I'm horribly fagged.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Conquer it! Think how delightful it will be to put your head on
+the pillow to-night, without a single anxiety, without a single
+thought&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Except my gratitude to you!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Come, dear, no time like the present!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Jumps up very briskly.</i>] No time like the present! [<i>Looking
+at him with great admiration.</i>] Oh, Harry, what a dear, kind, good
+husband you've always been to me!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Have I, my darling? [<i>Modestly.</i>] I've done my best&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> How I must have tried you!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> No, dear&mdash;at least a little sometimes.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> When I think what patience you've had with me, and never
+reproached me&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Well, not often. We've had our little tiffs&mdash;That day at
+Goodwood&mdash;eh?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Don't speak of it! I was to blame&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> No, dear, I can't let you accuse yourself. I was quite in the
+wrong.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> No, dear, it was my fault entirely!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[67]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Well, we won't quarrel about that. Now these bills&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> And what good pals we've been!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> And always shall be. [<i>Kissing her.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Hugging him.</i>] Oh, you dear!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Now, business, business!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Going up to writing-desk.</i>] What a lucky woman I am!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Seated at table.</i>] Bring them all.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Has opened desk and taken up some bills&mdash;she looks round
+dubiously at</i> <span class="smcap">Harry</span>.] What a splendid thing it must be to be a husband
+and have it in your power to make your wife <i>adore</i> you, by simply
+paying a few bills.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Yes&mdash;bring them all. [<i>She comes down with a bundle of about
+fifteen, hands them to him.</i>] Is this all?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> All, of any importance.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> I want to see them all.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> So you shall, but we'll go through these first, because
+[<i>lamely</i>] if you want to ask any questions we can settle them on the
+spot, can't we?</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Reading from the bill.</i>] Maison R&eacute;camier, Court and artistic
+millinery. By Jove! [<i>Looks up.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> What!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine&mdash;nine
+hats!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Different kinds of hats.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Yedda straw hat, four guineas, ostrich feather ruffle, twelve
+pounds ten&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> That was the one&mdash;you remember&mdash;when I came into the room you
+said, "Stay there! Just as you are! I must kiss you!"</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Yes, but twelve pounds ten&mdash;Moss green chip hat, four,
+fourteen, six. Heliotrope velvet toque&mdash;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[68]</a></span>&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> That's the dear little toque you admire so much!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Do I? Six guineas! Dear little toque! Hat in white Tegal with
+plumes of Nattier Bleu&mdash;fifteen guineas&mdash;Fifteen guineas?!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> With plumes! Of Nattier Bleu!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> But fifteen guineas!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Oh, the woman's a fearful swindler! But what are you to do with
+such people?</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>With bill.</i>] Total, sixty-four, seven, six. And I get my one
+silk topper a year, at a guinea, and three and six for doing it up.
+Total for me, one, four, six. Total for you&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> My dear Harry, don't make absurd comparisons!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Takes another bill.</i>] John Spearman, artistic gown maker,
+ball gowns, reception gowns, race gowns&mdash;Good heavens!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> What's the matter?</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Total, five hundred and fifty-six pounds&mdash;that can't be right!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Frightened.</i>] No, it can't be! Add it up!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Reading.</i>] Tea gown of chiffon taffeta&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> The one I took to Folkestone, you remember?</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>With a little
+attempt at a kiss.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Gently repulsing her.</i>] No, I don't. [<i>She puts her arms
+round his neck; he gently pushes her aside.</i>] Business first, please.
+[<i>Reads.</i>] Gown of white cloth with Postillion coat of Rose du Barri
+silk, motifs of silver, forty-five guineas&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> You won't grumble at that, for when I first put it on, you
+stood and looked at me and said, "I want to know how it is, Doll, that
+the moment a dress gets on to your shoulders, it seems to brisk up, and
+be as cocky and proud of itself&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Again attempting to embrace
+him.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[69]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Again repulsing her.</i>] Yes, well now I do know! Jolly proud
+and cocky your dresses ought to feel at this price! [<i>Reads.</i>] "Evening
+cloak of strawberry satin charmeuse, trimmed silk passementerie, motifs
+and fringed stoles of dull gold embroidery, thirty-five guineas." What's
+a motif?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> It's a trimming&mdash;a lot of little touches&mdash;a sort
+of&mdash;a&mdash;a&mdash;a&mdash;[<i>making a little descriptive gesture</i>] a suggestion&mdash;a
+motif&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> And Mr. John Spearman's motif is that I should pay him five
+hundred and fifty-six pounds. Well, I don't like Mr. John Spearman's
+motifs, and I'm not going to fall in with them. [<i>Puts the bill on the
+table rather angrily, takes up another, reads.</i>] "Artistic lingerie!" I
+wonder why all these people call themselves artists! "Underwear of
+daintiness and distinction."</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Well, you've always praised&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Yes. In future, I'm going to be very careful what articles of
+your dress I praise. "Three pairs of blue silk garters, forty-five
+shillings." [<i>She has settled herself in the armchair,
+looking a little
+sulky and obstinate, leaning back and pettishly swinging one leg over
+the other.</i>] What have you got to say to that?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Garters are necessary.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Yes, but why three? And why blue silk? Why don't you speak?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> The garters can speak for
+<a name="corr8" id="corr8"></a><a class="correction" href="#cn8" title="changed from 'themselevs'">
+themselves</a>!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Very well. Garters that can speak for themselves can pay for
+themselves! [<i>Dashes the bill on the table, takes up another. Reading.</i>]
+Three bottles c&oelig;ur de Janette&mdash;three bottles Souffle de
+Marguerite&mdash;fifteen pounds for scent&mdash;and I have to smoke sixpenny
+cigars! And sometimes only fourpenny!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Well, if you will smoke those horrid strong<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[70]</a></span> things you can't
+wonder I have to disinfect the house for you.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Disinfect the house <i>for</i> me! You'll very soon disinfect the
+house <i>of</i> me! [<i>Glances through the remaining bills, groans, puts them
+on the table, and walks about in despair.</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>rises and is going
+off.</i>] Where are you going?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> To bed.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Stopping her.</i>] No! Now we've begun, we'll go through to the
+bitter end, if you please. I want you to explain&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> My dear Harry, it will be quite useless for me to try to
+explain in your present state&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Getting furious.</i>] In my present state&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Dancing about the room and shouting!&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> I'm not shouting!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> You're not shouting?!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> No, and if I am, isn't it enough to make a man shout when his
+wife&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>appears at the door in his dressing-gown and slippers.</i></div>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Excuse my interrupting. But you know my room is just above this,
+and if you could manage to pitch your voices in rather a softer key&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> By Jove, I'd forgotten! We were getting a little noisy. I'm
+awfully sorry.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Don't mention it! The Professor gave me rather a stiff go of his
+Pableine, and I fancy it hasn't agreed with me [<i>tapping his chest</i>] for
+I can't get a wink of sleep. Is there a spoonful of whiskey about?</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> On the sideboard in the dining-room.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Thankee. [<i>Tapping his chest.</i>] Harry, when you get over fifty,
+don't change your nightcap, or any of your other bad habits.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[71]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> I won't. Now, Dolly&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Anxiously.</i>] You won't perhaps be very long now?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> No, we'd nearly finished&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Nothing serious, I hope?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Harry doesn't approve of my using scent.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Not in pailfuls. Certainly not.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> I had three small bottles&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Montaigne says that the sweetest perfume a woman can have, is to
+have none at all. [<i>Exit.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Now, my darling, we shall best arrive at an understanding if we
+avoid all temper, and discuss it in a calm, business-like way.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>A little frightened.</i>] Ye-es&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Very well then, bring up your chair, and let us go into it,
+figure by figure, item by item, and see how we stand.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Ye-es. [<i>Bringing a chair a little way.</i>] Harry, you aren't
+going to be as business-like as all that?</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> As all what?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> I can't discuss it while you keep me at a distance! [<i>Suddenly
+rushes at him, seats herself on his knee, puts his arm round her waist,
+kisses him.</i>] There! now I feel I can discuss it thoroughly.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Very well [<i>kisses her</i>], so long as we do discuss it
+thoroughly.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> I began to get quite frightened of you, Mr. Jobling.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Jobling?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> The man Mr. Pilcher had to get a money-box for, because he
+swore at his wife!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Oh, yes.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> You got so angry&mdash;and shouted&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Well, there was no reason for that, especially as getting out
+of temper is <i>the</i> one thing I'm quite resolved to conquer this New
+Year&mdash;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[72]</a></span>&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Kissing him.</i>] Don't forget that!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Kisses her.</i>] Now, business, business! [<i>Takes up a bill.</i>]
+What have we here? Carchet, gantier et bonnetier, artiste&mdash;Hillo, here's
+another artist! In stockings this time. [<i>Suddenly.</i>] I say!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Frightened.</i>] Eh?</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Points to an item in bill.</i>] Come now, Dolly&mdash;this is really
+too bad&mdash;this really is too bad!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Frightened.</i>] What?!</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Getting off his knee.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> One dozen pairs best silk hose, with clocks&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes&mdash;how much does that come to?</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Eleven pounds two&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> It does seem rather a high price, but&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Drawing up her dress and showing an inch or two of silk
+stocking.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> You're wearing them about the house?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> I can't go about the house without stockings. And I put them on
+for your especial benefit. [<i>He utters a contemptuous exclamation.</i>]
+They're a lovely quality&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Drawing up her dress an inch or two
+higher.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> I daresay. [<i>Turning away.</i>] I'm not going to admire your
+stockings, or your ostrich ruffles, or your blue silk garters, or your
+motifs, or anything that is yours! It's too expensive!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Dress an inch higher, looking down at her stockings.</i>] It's
+the clocks you have to pay for&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> I beg your pardon, it's the clocks I haven't got to pay for!
+And don't mean to&mdash;if I can help it. Idiotic thing to go and put clocks
+on stockings&mdash;[<i>muttering</i>] damned silly idiotic&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Ah! [<i>Goes to table, brings the hospital box and puts it in
+front of him.</i>] Double fine this time.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[73]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> What for?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Naughty swear word, and getting out of temper.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Oh well&mdash;[<i>fumbling in his pocket</i>] I did say d&mdash;&mdash;, but I
+didn't get out of temper!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> You didn't get out of temper?!?</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Not at all. I'm quite calm. [<i>Sulkily puts a shilling in the
+box.</i>] There! [<i>Seats himself at table.</i>] Now we'll go quietly and
+methodically through the remainder&mdash;&mdash; [<i>Taking up a bill, looks at it,
+exclaims.</i>] Good heavens!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Good heavens what?</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>In a low exhausted tone with groans.</i>] Good heavens! Good
+heavens! It's absolutely useless&mdash;Good heavens!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> But what is it? [<i>Coming up, looking over.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Points to bill.</i>] Four more hats! Nine on the other
+bill&mdash;four more here. Thirteen hats.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> No, one was a toque.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> But can you explain?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes. You said yourself that Madame R&eacute;camier was horribly
+expensive, so I left her and went to Jacquelin's&mdash;just to save your
+pocket&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Never save my pocket again, please.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Very well, I won't.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> No, I daresay you won't, but I shall! I shall draw the strings
+very tightly in future. Save my pocket! [<i>He is walking about
+distractedly.</i>] Save my pocket. [<i>Groans.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Now, Harry, it's useless to take it in this way&mdash;you knew when
+you married me I hadn't got the money sense&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Groans.</i>] I hadn't got any sense at all!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Very likely not. But try and have a little now. What have I
+done? Run a little into debt, solely to please you.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[74]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Yes; well, now run out of it, and I shall be better pleased
+still.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> After all, running into debt is a positive virtue beside the
+things that some wives do!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Oh, it's a positive virtue, is it?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> A husband is very lucky when his wife spends most of her time
+running up a few bills. It keeps her out of mischief. I'm sure you ought
+to feel very glad that I'm a little extravagant!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Oh, I am! I am! I'm delighted!</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>He sits at table, takes out a pencil, hurriedly puts down the
+amounts of the various bills&mdash;she creeps up behind him.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> What are you doing?</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> I'm totting up to see how lucky I am! Forty-one, one, six&mdash;&mdash;
+[<i>Groans.</i>] Ninety-four&mdash;&mdash; [<i>Groans.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Has crept up behind him, puts her arms round his neck.</i>] Now,
+Harry, will you take my advice&mdash;&mdash;?</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> No.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> It's past eleven.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Trying to take the pencil out of his hand.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Disengaging her arms, speaking very sternly.</i>] Will you have
+the goodness to let me have all your bills, so that I may know what help
+I shall need from my banker?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Harry, you don't mean that? Oh, that's absurd with our income!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Will you have the goodness to do as I say, and at once, please?
+[<i>He is dotting down figures. She stands still in the middle of the
+room.</i>] Did you hear me?</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[75]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>She bursts into tears. He turns round and shows symptoms of
+relenting towards her, but steels himself and turns to the bills.
+She bursts into renewed tears. He goes on figuring.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Piteously.</i>] Harry! Harry! [<i>Goes up to him and plucks his
+sleeve.</i>] Harry!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Well?</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>He turns and looks at her, is about to yield, but resists, turns
+away from her, settles resolutely to his figures.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> And on the first night of the New Year, too! Just as we were
+going to be so happy! Harry! [<i>Holds out her arms appealingly.</i>] Harry!
+[<span class="smcap">Harry</span> <i>suddenly turns round and clasps her.</i>] How could you be so
+unkind to me?</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Was I? I didn't mean to be. Now! Dry your tears, and help me
+reckon this up&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Ye-es.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> But first of all let me have the remainder of the bills&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> At once, my darling&mdash;it's getting late.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes. [<i>Goes up to desk.</i>] You won't reproach me?</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Of course I won't.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> I can bear anything except your reproaches. Promise you won't
+reproach me.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> I won't, unless&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Unless what?</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> It's something too awful.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Oh, it isn't. Not at all. Not at all. [<i>Goes up to the desk,
+brings down about ten more bills with great affected cheerfulness.</i>]
+There! You see, it's nothing.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Hastily looking at the totals.</i>] Nothing? You call these
+nothing!!?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[76]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Nothing to speak about&mdash;nothing awful!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Good heavens! How any woman with the least care for her
+husband, or her home&mdash;&mdash; [<i>looking at one total after another</i>] how any
+woman with the least
+<a name="corr9" id="corr9"></a><a class="correction" href="#cn9" title="changed from 'self-recpect'">
+self-respect</a>&mdash;&mdash; [<span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>goes to him, puts her arms
+round him, tries to embrace&mdash;he repulses her.</i>] No, please. I've had
+enough of that old dodge.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Dodge!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> I remember that last two hundred pounds and how you sweedled me
+out of it!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Sweedled?</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Yes! Sweedled!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> There's no such word!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> No, but there's the thing! As most husbands know. [<i>Referring
+to one bill after another, picking out items.</i>] Lace coat, hand-made!
+En-tout-cas, studded cabochons of lapis lazuli&mdash;studded
+cabochons&mdash;studded cabochons!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Has quietly seated herself, and is looking at the ceiling.</i>]
+Couldn't you manage to pitch your voice in rather a softer key?</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Comes angrily down to her, bills in hand, speaks in a
+whisper, very rapidly and fiercely.</i>] Yes! And I say that a woman who
+goes and runs up bills like these, [<i>dashing the back of one hand
+against the bills in the other</i>] while her husband is smoking threepenny
+cigars, will very soon bring herself and him to one of those new
+palatial workhouses where, thank heaven, the cuisine and appointments
+are now
+<a name="corr10" id="corr10"></a><a class="correction" href="#cn10" title="changed from 'organgized'">
+organized</a> with a view of providing persons of your tastes with
+every luxury at the ratepayers' expense. [<i>Returns angrily to the bills,
+turns them over.</i>] Irish lace bolero! [<i>Turns to another.</i>] Fur motor
+coat, fifty-five guineas&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Calmly gazing at the ceiling.</i>] You told me to look as smart
+as Mrs. Colefield.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[77]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Not at that price! If I'd known what that motor tour would cost
+by Jove! I'd&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> You're getting noisy again. You'll wake my father.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> He ought to be waked! He ought to know what his daughter is
+saddling me with.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Very well, if you don't care how shabby I look&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Shabby! [<i>Referring to bills.</i>] Lace demi-toilette! Point de
+Venise lace Directoire coat! Shabby?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> My dear Harry, do you suppose we shall ever agree as to what
+constitutes shabbiness?</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> No, I'm hanged if we ever shall!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Then suppose we drop the subject. For the future I shall
+endeavor to please you entirely.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Oh, you will?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> By dressing so that you'll be ashamed to be seen in the same
+street with me. I shall make myself a perfect fright&mdash;a perfect dowdy&mdash;a
+perfect draggletail!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Then I shall not be seen in the same street with you.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> You won't?</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> No, my dear. Make no mistake about that!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> You'll be seen with somebody else, perhaps?</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Very likely.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Have you met Miss Smithson again?</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Not since the last time.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Have you seen her since we were at Folkestone?</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> What's that to do with your bills?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> A great deal. That night at dinner she told you her dress
+allowance was a hundred and twenty a year, and you said you wished she'd
+give me a few lessons in economy.
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[78]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> I did not.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Pardon me, you did!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Pardon me, I did not. I said she might give <i>some</i> women a
+lesson in economy.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> You did not! I heard every word of your conversation, and you
+distinctly asked her to give me, your wife, a few lessons in economy.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> I'll swear I didn't!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Ask my father! He was there.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Very well! I'll ask him the first thing in the morning.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> No, to-night! You've accused me of deliberately saying what
+isn't true, and I&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> I have not!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes, you have. And I insist on having it cleared up to-night! I
+don't suppose he's asleep! Fetch him down!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Very well! I will fetch him down! [<i>Exit.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Paces furiously up and down.</i>] Me! Lessons in economy!
+Lessons in economy! Me! Lessons in economy!</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><i>Re-enter</i> <span class="smcap">Harry.</span></div>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> He'll be down in a
+<a name="corr11" id="corr11"></a><a class="correction" href="#cn11" title="changed from 'mniute'">
+minute</a>! Meantime, [<i>very angry</i>] I want to
+know what any woman in this world wants with two dozen cache corsets?</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Banging his free hand on the bills.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> We'll clear up Miss Smithson first&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> No, we will not clear up Miss Smithson&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Because you can't clear up Miss Smithson&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> I can clear up Miss Smithson&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> You cannot clear up Miss Smithson&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>appears at door in dressing-gown, rubbing his eyes and looking
+very sleepy.</i></div>
+
+<p>Dad, you remember Miss Smithson&mdash;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[79]</a></span>&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Coming in, very sleepy.</i>] Smithson?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> The girl at the hotel at Folkestone, that Harry paid so much
+attention to.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> I paid no more attention to Miss Smithson than was absolutely
+necessary. Did I, Mr. Barron?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Oh! Oh! Dad, you remember&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Not for the moment&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Not the disgraceful way Harry&mdash;there's no other word&mdash;carried
+on!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> I did not carry on&mdash;Mr. Barron, I appeal to you.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Dad!</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> My dear, I certainly did not notice&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> No, he was far too careful to let anyone notice it, except his
+own wife!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> You lay your life when I do carry on my wife will be the last
+person I shall allow to notice it!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> I daresay! Dad, did you hear that?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Yes. [<i>Rousing himself a little.</i>] Now, Harry, what about this
+Miss Smithson?</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> That's what I want to know!</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Who is Miss Smithson?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Surely you remember that lanky girl&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Miss Smithson is not lanky&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Not lanky? Not lanky?! You can't have any eyes&mdash;&mdash;!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> That's what I've often thought&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Explodes.</i>] Oh! Oh! Dad!</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Come, Harry, let's clear this up. [<i>Suddenly.</i>] Smithson? Oh
+yes! The girl who sat on your left at your dinner party&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> That's the one!</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> I should call her a trifle lanky, Harry.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> A trifle? Well, never mind! You remember that dinner party&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Cautiously.</i>] Ye-es.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[80]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> You remember how she waited for a lull in the talk, and then
+she said with that silly, simpering, appealing look&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Miss Smithson's look is not silly or simpering.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Well, it's appealing, isn't it?</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>With a little chuckle.</i>] Oh, yes, it's appealing.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Enraged.</i>] Oh! Dad!</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Quiets her.</i>] Shush!&mdash;What did she say?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> She said with a very marked glance at me, "My dress allowance
+is a hundred and twenty a year, and I don't understand how any
+reasonable woman can wish for more!" What do you think of that?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Well, if she did say that, and if she glanced at you, it&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> It wasn't very nice of her.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Nice? It was an insult! A direct, intentional, abominable
+insult, wasn't it?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Yes, yes, decidedly, under the circumstances&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> And Harry ought to have resented it?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> At his own dinner table he couldn't, could he?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes! At least, if he couldn't resent it, he ought to have
+<i>shown</i> that he resented it. Instead of that, he actually asked her to
+give me a few lessons in economy!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> I did not!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Pardon me, you did! Me! his wife! Lessons in economy!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> And a thundering good thing if she had given you a few before
+you ran up these bills!</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Dashes his hand on to the bills.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> There! You hear?!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[81]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Come, Harry, you oughtn't to have asked another woman to give
+your wife lessons in economy.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> I didn't!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Dad! You were there&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Yes, but I don't quite remember&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> You don't remember?! Surely you can remember a simple thing
+like that when your own daughter tells you it was so!</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Now, Harry, what did you really say to Miss Smithson?</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> I said she might give <i>some</i> women a lesson in economy.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Not meaning Dolly?</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Giving him a wink to say "No."</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> No-o.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Then whom did he mean? Lessons in economy? Whom <i>could</i> he mean
+if he didn't mean me?</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Just so!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Ah! There! You see, he owns it!</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> No, no, I'm sure he doesn't mean it! Did you, Harry?</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Winking
+at</i> <span class="smcap">Harry</span>.</p></div>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Then will he please say what he really does mean?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Now, Harry, what do you really mean?</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Well, you remember that night of the dinner party at
+Folkestone.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Cautiously.</i>] Ye-es.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> After they'd all gone you and I went into the smoking-room,
+didn't we?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Cautiously.</i>] Ye-es.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> And you said, "Doll's in one of her high gales again!"</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> High gales?! [<i>Indignant.</i>] Father! You didn't say that?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> No, no, my dear&mdash;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[82]</a></span>&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Excuse me, those were your exact words. High gales!</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> I don't remember.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> No, you don't remember anything.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> You said, "What on earth was up between her and Miss Smithson
+at dinner?"</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> You see! That proves exactly what I said!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> No, by Jove, it proves that your father noticed what a
+confounded, cussed&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Go on! Go on! Say it!</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Shush! Shush! Well, Harry, what did you say?</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Well, not wishing to give Dolly away&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Ha! ha! Not wishing to give me away!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Not then! But, by Jove, if any decent chap were to come along
+now&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Exploding.</i>] There! There! [<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span>.] And you sit there and
+hear my own husband insult me in my own house!</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> No! No!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> But there you sit! There you sit!</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Jumps up fiercely.</i>] Now, Harry!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Fiercely.</i>] Well, now, Mr. Barron&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Why don't you defend me? Why don't you demand an apology?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> What for?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> For everything! For to-night! For that night at Folkestone!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> That night at Folkestone! Why, your father was quite on my
+side&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> What?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> He wasn't; were you, Dad?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> No&mdash;no.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> What? [<i>Fiercely.</i>] Do you remember exactly what passed between
+us in the smoking-room, Mr. Barron?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[83]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> No.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Then I'll tell you&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Retreating towards door.</i>] No&mdash;no&mdash;I don't want to know&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Following him up, shouting a little.</i>] You said, "I know what
+she's like in her high gales! I remember what the little devil was like
+at home."</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Pursuing him up to door.</i>] Father! You didn't say that!</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> No&mdash;no, my darling&mdash;quite a mistake&mdash;quite a mistake&mdash;altogether
+a mistake.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Gets thankfully off at back.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Calls after him.</i>] Then why don't you stay and tell him so!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Shouts after</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span>.] It's not a mistake!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Calls after</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span>.] It's cowardly of you to leave me here to
+be insulted.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Goes up to door, shouts.</i>] It's not a mistake! You patted me
+on the back and said, "Poor chap! Poor chap!" You know you did! [<i>Closes
+the door, comes fiercely down to</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly</span>.] It's not a mistake! He could
+see you had insulted Miss Smithson.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> I had not insulted her! I was far too civil to her, considering
+that the next evening you took her out on the Leas, when you ought to
+have been at billiards&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> I took her out on the Leas!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes! You weren't in the billiard-room! So where were you? Where
+were you?</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> I jolly well don't know, and I&mdash;I&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Say it! Say it!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> I damned well don't care!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Ah!</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[84]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>She seizes the box, brings it up to him, puts it irritatingly in
+front of him; he seizes it, they struggle for it, trying to take
+it out of each other's hands; she screams, he tries to get it;
+there is a scuffle round the room; he tries to rub her knuckles;
+she makes a little feint to bite him; in the struggle the box drops
+on the floor a little below the table, right.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Jobling! Jobling! Jobling!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Now, madam, for the last time, have I all your bills?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Jobling! Jobling! Jobling!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Have I all your bills?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Jobling! Jobling! Jobling!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Once more, madam, have I all your bills?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> No, you haven't!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Then please hand them over to me this instant, so that I may
+take proceedings.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Laughing.</i>] Proceedings! Ha! Take your proceedings!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> By Jove! I will take proceedings.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Take them! Take them!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Walking about furiously with the bills.</i>] So this is the way
+the money goes! [<i>Banging the bills.</i>] While I have to smoke twopenny
+cigars! And can't get a decent dinner!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> You can't get a decent dinner?</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> No! Look at those messes last night. They weren't fit for a
+cook-shop.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Oh! Oh! Oh! Get a housekeeper! Get a housekeeper!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> By Jove! that's what I mean to do!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Have Miss Smithson! Send for her to-morrow morning! I'll hand
+her over the keys!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Shouting.</i>] And please hand me over the rest of your bills!
+The rest of your bills, madam!</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>marches up to the desk.</i></p></div><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[85]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>appears at door in dressing-gown.</i></div>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> I can't get a wink of sleep&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>takes out about twenty more bills.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> I insist on seeing the whole lot! So there!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Flourishing the bills, strewing them on the floor.</i>] Well
+there! And there! And there! And there! Now you've got the whole lot!
+And I hope you're satisfied. I'm going into Renie's room! [<i>Exit.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> I insist on your going through these bills&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Following her off. Their voices are heard retreating upstairs</i>,
+<span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>saying</i>, "go through the bills! Send for Miss Smithson! Have
+her here to-morrow morning! Take your proceedings," <span class="smcap">Harry</span> <i>saying</i>,
+"I insist on going through the bills to-night! Do you hear, madam,
+I insist! Will you come down and go through these bills," etc.</p></div>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Listens, as their voices die away. When the voices have
+ceased, he surveys the scene.</i>] We're making a splendid start for the
+New Year!</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Sees the box on the floor, picks it up, carefully places it on
+table and goes off.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><br /></p>
+<p class="center">CURTAIN.</p>
+
+
+
+<hr style="width: 65%;" />
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[86]</a></span></p>
+<p class="center">(<i>A year passes between Acts III and IV.</i>)</p>
+
+<h3><a name="ACT_IV" id="ACT_IV"></a>ACT IV.</h3>
+
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Scene</span>: <i>The same.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Time</span>: <i>Afternoon of January 1st, 1908.</i></p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span>, <i>followed by</i> <span class="smcap">Criddle</span>. <span class="smcap">Lucas</span> <i>has his left
+collar-bone broken, and his arm is strapped across his breast; his
+coat is buttoned loosely over the arm, the left sleeve hanging
+down.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> They've gone to meet me?</p>
+
+<p><i>Criddle.</i> Yes, sir.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> By the road?</p>
+
+<p><i>Criddle.</i> Yes, sir.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> That's how I've missed them. My car broke down the other side
+of the clump, and so I walked over the fields.</p>
+
+<p><i>Criddle.</i> Yes, sir. I beg pardon, I hope the arm isn't serious.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> No, Criddle. Just serious enough to get me a couple of months'
+leave, so that I could spend the New Year in England.</p>
+
+<p><i>Criddle.</i> You had it very hot in India, I suppose, sir?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Blazing!</p>
+
+<p><i>Criddle.</i> We've got the same old weather here, you see, sir.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Same old weather! Had any visitors for Christmas, Criddle?</p>
+
+<p><i>Criddle.</i> Mr. Barron, of course, and Professor and Mrs. Sturgess.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Same old visitors&mdash;same visitors, I should say. Mr. Pilcher
+still Vicar here, I suppose?</p>
+
+<p><i>Criddle.</i> Yes, sir. He gave us a wonderful sermon at the old year's
+service last night.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[87]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Same old sermon!</p>
+
+<p><i>Criddle.</i> No, sir. Not exactly the same sermon, though it had similar
+points to last year. Ah! You came over for the old year's service last
+year?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Yes, and a rattling good sermon it was!</p>
+
+<p><i>Criddle.</i> Very powerful and persuading, wasn't it, sir? It even touched
+me up a bit.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> In what way, Criddle?</p>
+
+<p><i>Criddle.</i> I used to have my ten bob on any horse as I fancied, but I
+never put a farthing on anything&mdash;not even on Sulky Susan for the Oaks.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> You didn't?</p>
+
+<p><i>Criddle.</i> No, and thank God, in a manner of speaking, that I didn't,
+for she never pulled it off. I owe that to Mr. Pilcher. No, I never
+touched a thing till the Leger. That reminds me&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> What, Criddle?</p>
+
+<p><i>Criddle.</i> Why, last year, after Mr. Pilcher's sermon, the master had a
+collecting box, and when he found himself going a bit off the straight
+he used to put in a shilling or half-a-crown for Mr. Pilcher's blanket
+fund&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Yes, of course! And Uncle Matt promised him a sovereign for
+each of us if we had carried out our good resolutions. Is that coming
+off, Criddle?</p>
+
+<p><i>Criddle.</i> I expect it is, sir. Mr. Pilcher is coming here this
+afternoon, and the master told me to be sure and find the box before he
+gets here.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Find the box?</p>
+
+<p><i>Criddle.</i> Nobody has seen anything of it for some months. Excuse me,
+sir, I must look for it.</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[88]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Criddle</span>.</p></div>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p><span class="smcap">Lucas</span> <i>takes out letter from an unsealed envelope, glances through
+it, sits at table, takes out pencil, adds a short note, puts letter
+in envelope, seals it up, puts it in his tail pocket, goes to
+conservatory, looks in.</i> <span class="smcap">Renie</span> <i>enters at door behind him. She
+starts, as he turns round.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>In a whisper.</i>] You're here already?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Yes&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Your wound?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Much better. Nearly well.</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> I'm so glad&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> I'm not. I shall have to cut it back to India directly. Why
+didn't you answer my last letter?</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> I did&mdash;and tore it up.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Tore it up?</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> What's the use? I told you last year we could never be anything
+to each other!</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> But you didn't mean it?</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>He seizes her hand and kisses it several times.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Feebly attempting to withdraw it.</i>] Yes&mdash;yes, I did. Hush!</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> I want you to read this. [<i>Shows her the letter.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Heard through the door which is open a few inches.</i>] Have you
+found the box, Criddle?</p>
+
+<p><i>Criddle.</i> No, sir. I've hunted everywhere.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Have another look. We must have it ready for Mr. Pilcher.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p><span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>enters. Meantime</i> <span class="smcap">Renie</span> <i>has crept to upper conservatory door
+and gone off signing to</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span> <i>to keep silence. He has taken the
+letter out of his pocket and held it up for her to see, putting it
+back before</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>enters.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Ah, Lucas. So you've got here. Happy New Year!</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Happy New Year, Uncle Matt. [<i>Cordially shaking hands.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Glad to see you back in England.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Glad to be back!</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> How's the arm?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[89]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Splendid&mdash;nearly well. Dolly and Harry all right?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> First rate. They'll be here directly.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> The Sturgesses are here again, Criddle tells me.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Ye-es.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Gray matter still going strong?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Booming.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> How's Mrs. Sturgess?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> As usual, a little inclined to flop about and play act&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Yes. Jolly good-looking woman though, eh?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Very. Lucas&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Well?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> You're quite cured, eh?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Cured?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Of your infatuation for her.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Infatuation? Well, I admired her, and perhaps it was lucky I
+was ordered out to India&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> I managed that for you, my boy.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> You did!?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Sir John wanted a smart A.D.C., so I drove over to Aldershot,
+urged your claims, and got you the appointment.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> So that was why I was packed off. It was you who&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Aren't you thankful I did?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Yes, much obliged to you, much obliged!</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> So you ought to be. And so's the lady.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Is she?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Yes. When we got your wire yesterday saying you'd motor down
+to-day, Dolly had a long talk with her, and the result was she thanked
+Dolly and me for getting you out of the way and saving her from you.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[90]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Did she?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Yes, for twenty minutes. She kissed Dolly, and I think she would
+have kissed me, only I didn't feel myself quite worthy.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Oh, so that's all settled!</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> That's all settled. At least, let's hope so.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> What do you mean?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Well, you won't come&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> What?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> The same old game.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> What same old game?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Why, <i>the</i> same old game!</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> You must be judging me by yourself, when you were young.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> My dear boy, that's just what I am doing. Lucas, there's not
+going to be any repetition&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> No&mdash;no.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Because it isn't the right thing to do, is it?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> No.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Very well then, don't do it!</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> I won't! [<i>Listening.</i>] Ah! [<span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Harry's</span> <i>voices heard
+in hall</i>] Dolly and Harry!</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p><span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Harry</span> <i>enter very lovingly.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Hillo, Doll, old girl! Happy New Year!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Happy New Year, Lu!</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Harry, old brick, how goes it?</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Splendid!</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Happy New Year!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Happy New Year! [<i>Looking lovingly at</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly</span>.] By Jove, Doll,
+you can foot it. [<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span>.] Doll and I have just raced up from the
+farm. She licked me! bless her!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes, because you encouraged me!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Looking at her lovingly and admiringly, kisses her
+heartily.</i>] There aren't many things this little woman can't do.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[91]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> When you encourage me!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Oh, I'll encourage you!</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>He again kisses her heartily.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Well, Lu, old boy, glad to see you home again. Arm pretty bad?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> No, nearly well, unfortunately.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Down for the day?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Well, now my car has broken down, I was wondering if you'd put
+me up&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Firmly.</i>] No. We shall be pleased for you to stay to dinner.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> There's the spare room, Doll.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Firmly.</i>] No. That may be wanted for Renie or myself.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Half aside to her.</i>] I say, not for you, old girl!</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Oh, well, I shall have to get a shake-down at the Red Lion.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Renie</span> <i>at back, still in outdoor clothes.</i></div>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Feigning a little surprise.</i>] Captain Wentworth! A happy New
+Year!</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Happy New Year, Mrs. Sturgess.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Shaking hands.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> So sorry to hear of your wound!</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Oh, it's healed, thank you.</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> I'm so glad. Shall you be making a long stay in England?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> I fear only a few days longer.</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> I'm sorry your visit will be so short.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><span class="smcap">Criddle</span> <i>enters triumphantly with the hospital box which is very mouldy
+and dusty&mdash;he has also duster in his hand.</i></div>
+
+<p><i>Criddle.</i> I've found him, sir&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Rather mouldy, eh?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[92]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Criddle.</i> Oh, we'll soon put that to rights, sir.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Begins to dust the box carefully.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Looks well for your household discipline here, Harry.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> How?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> You've had no occasion to use him lately.</p>
+
+<p><i>Criddle.</i> [<i>Displaying the box, having carefully dusted it.</i>] There he
+is, sir, Hospital for Incurables! Nearly as good as new.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Where did you find him?</p>
+
+<p><i>Criddle.</i> In the wine-cellar, of all places! I was getting out a bottle
+of the sixty-eight port for New Year's night, and happening to put my
+hand behind, there he was!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Has a sudden gesture of remembrance.</i>] Yes, I remember!</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> What should incurables be doing in the wine-cellar? [<i>Holds out
+his hand to</i> <span class="smcap">Criddle</span> <i>for the box.</i> <span class="smcap">Criddle</span>, <i>who has been holding it
+carefully, gives it to</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span>. <i>Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Criddle</span>. <span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>gives the box a
+shake. It rattles as if half full of coins. He shakes it again, more
+violently; it rattles again.</i>] Internal organs sound healthy. How did he
+get into the wine-cellar, Harry?</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Well, Dolly and I had been having a little tiff one
+morning&mdash;nothing serious&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> No. When was that?</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> March, wasn't it?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> May, I think&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> No, it wasn't that one&mdash;Well, never mind, I got so riled at
+Dolly always poking this box in front of me whenever I happened to&mdash;so I
+thought the wine-cellar would be the safest place for it.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Gives it another rattle.</i>] Well, here he is, turned up just at
+the right moment! And here you all are, Dolly, Harry, Lucas, Mrs.
+Sturgess&mdash;all<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[93]</a></span> clamouring for me to redeem my promise and put in a
+sovereign for each of you.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><span class="smcap">Criddle</span> <i>appears at door announcing</i> <span class="smcap">Mr. Pilcher</span>. <span class="smcap">Pilcher</span> <i>enters with
+four oblong brown paper parcels of equal size. Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Criddle</span>.</div>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Happy New Year to you all! Excuse me. [<i>Depositing his
+parcels.</i>] My New Year's gifts to a few of my parishioners!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> New Year's gifts!</p>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> To those who need them. [<i>Shaking hands with her.</i>] Happy New
+Year, Mr. Barron!</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Shaking hands.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Happy New Year!</p>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> How do this morning, Telfer! [<span class="smcap">Harry</span> <i>nods.</i>] My dear Mrs.
+Sturgess! [<i>Shaking hands.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Happy New Year! What a lovely sermon you gave us again last
+night!</p>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Lovely! Well, say healthy, bracing.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> A jolly good rouser again. Made me feel&mdash;well&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Gives
+himself a shake.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Ah, Captain Wentworth, happy New Year!</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> [<i>Shaking hands.</i>] Happy New Year!</p>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> I heard you were wounded&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Oh, that's done with.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> We were just talking about our New Year's inquest&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Inquest?!</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Into the characters of Dolly and Harry and&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Glancing at</i>
+<span class="smcap">Renie</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span>.</p></div>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Oh, please don't talk about inquests. Nobody's character is
+dead here.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> I hope not! We shall see&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Uncle, you don't really mean&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> It was a bona fide bargain on my side, but if you wish to avoid
+any awkward little exposures, or<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[94]</a></span> if Mr. Pilcher will kindly waive his
+claims to my contributions&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> I'm afraid I can't. I have come here for the express purpose
+of bearing away my trophy&mdash;Ah! [<i>Seeing box on table, takes it, gives it
+a shake; his features assume a pleasant smile.</i>] It seems to have proved
+a very wholesome household regulator.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Yes, by Jove! It hadn't been in the house twenty-four hours
+before I put in a sovereign.</p>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> A sovereign?</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> The first night of last year Dolly and I had a little
+tiff&mdash;nothing serious&mdash;and so the next morning I made it up and&mdash;didn't
+I, Dolly?&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> You did! And paid my bills like a lamb, you dear!</p>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> And put in a sovereign? [<i>Rattles the box again.</i>] I won't
+say "Don't have any more household tiffs," but I will say "Don't omit to
+liquidate them." [<i>Gives the box another rattle.</i>] The box must have
+been in pretty constant use since&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Ye-es.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><span class="smcap">Professor Sturgess</span> <i>enters at back, with the proofs of his book in his
+hand.</i></div>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> How do you do?</p>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> [<i>Has put down box.</i>] How do you do? [<i>Shaking hands.</i>] Happy
+New Year!</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> Happy New Year to you! [<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span>.] How d'ye do?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> First rate. Happy New Year!</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Shaking hands.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> Thank you. An accident?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Bit of one. Getting over it.</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> If I might recommend the constant use of Pableine.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Oh, thanks, it's quite well&mdash;<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[95]</a></span>&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> Try Pableine. It's a wonderful restorative. I'm intruding&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Looking round.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Not at all. We were just about to settle the question Mr.
+Barron raised last New Year's day&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> Oh, yes; I remember! Curiously enough I have only this morning
+received the proofs of my new volume, "Free Will, the Illusion."</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Showing the proofs to</i> <span class="smcap">Pilcher</span>.</p></div>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Very interesting. I should like to discuss the matter with
+you, but [<i>taking out watch</i>] I have so many New Year's calls to make.
+[<i>Looking at</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span>.] Perhaps we ought to get on with the&mdash;a&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Inquest.</p>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Vindication.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Accepting the correction.</i>] Vindication.</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> I may perhaps be allowed to point out that Mr. Barron's novel
+and humorous experiment can in no sense be said to settle, or even to
+touch, the question of Free Will, which as I have proved here depends
+upon&mdash;&mdash; [<i>Again offering the proof.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> I should like to look through those sheets, but&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Glancing at</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span>.</p></div>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> You shall! I have put the whole argument into the concrete case
+of Sarah Mumford&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Sarah Mumford?</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> The baby farmer&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Sarah's gray matter gone watery?</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> Not watery, but she had a yellow effusion&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> I suppose that's just as bad?</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> Quite.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> What did they do with her?</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> They hanged her. They then discovered extensive
+<a name="corr12" id="corr12"></a><a class="correction" href="#cn12" title="changed from 'lessions'">
+lesions</a> and this
+yellow effusion&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Pity they didn't discover that before they hanged her.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[96]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> My exact point! Where is the justice of punishing a woman whose
+gray matter functions perversely? It is nothing short of a crime.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> But she had suffocated five dear little babies?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> How could she avoid suffocating babies if she had a yellow
+effusion in her brain?</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> Precisely my argument&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Puts his proofs into</i> <span class="smcap">Matt's</span> <i>hands.
+Points out a passage</i>. <span class="smcap">Matt</span>, <i>a little embarrassed, takes them, looks
+through them.</i>]</p></div>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> The point I wish to establish is this. While we all allow that
+extensive or recognizable diseases of, or injuries to, the brain, free a
+man from responsibility and punishment, how can we logically mete out
+blame or praise, punishment or reward to our ordinary acts, thoughts,
+and impulses, seeing that all our acts, thoughts, and impulses, good or
+bad, virtuous or criminal, are equally the mere expressions of certain
+inevitable physical changes in the brain, the mere register on the dial
+plate of consciousness of necessary predetermined complications in the
+working of certain atoms of the gray matter of our cortex?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Quite so! Quite so! [<span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>is about to speak, but</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>hushes
+her down with a warning look and sign.</i>] The Professor wants to say with
+Socrates that no man would be such a fool as to do wrong, if he could
+possibly help it.</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> Well, if you like to put it that way&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> And now perhaps we might proceed. Can you remember the exact
+terms, Mr. Barron?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> I am to pay a sovereign for everyone of your hearers who has so
+far benefited by the wise admonitions of your last year's sermon as to
+have broken off his bad habits, or some especial bad habit&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> We aren't bound to say what the habit is that we've broken
+off?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[97]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> I don't wish to be inquisitive, but if you don't mention the
+particular bad habit, you will have to give me your word of honor that
+you've conquered it. [<i>Putting down proofs on table, taking up the
+money-box, giving it a shake.</i>] Now, who will be first to step into the
+confessional? [<i>Looking round.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> I will. As I've nothing to confess.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Nothing?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> No. I had what some husbands might think a bad habit, but&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> No bills this Christmas, eh, Doll?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> No.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> You're sure now, my darling?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> None of any importance.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> What do you mean of any importance?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Well, you must have some bills&mdash;they grow up before you
+know&mdash;such as Doctors' bills&mdash;you can't settle them all on the spur of
+the moment, but I've nothing&mdash;nothing of importance. So please put in
+your sovereign for me, Dad, and look pleasant about it.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> You declare upon your word of honor that you have broken off
+your bad habit of running up bills?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Entirely?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes. You said you wouldn't be inquisitive.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Yes, but&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Mrs. Telfer has given her word. I think I may claim one
+victory for free will, [<i>nodding victoriously at the</i> <span class="smcap">Professor</span> <i>who
+shakes his head</i>], and one sovereign for the Blanket Club.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Hum! [<i>Draws a sovereign out of his pocket and very reluctantly
+drops it into the box, shakes his head at</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>who looks a little
+uncomfortable.</i>] Who volunteers next?</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> I do. No&mdash;I'll wait a little&mdash;I want to make<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[98]</a></span> sure that I am
+perfectly honest with myself and with everybody.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> That perhaps may need a little consideration, Lucas?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Oh, let Harry have his doing first!</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Now, Harry!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Oh, well, here goes! I'm going to make a clean breast. The fact
+is I've made a thundering mess of it.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Ah!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> I did begin all right except for a little tiff with Dolly&mdash;and
+then I kept on pretty well for some time, and then&mdash;well I don't know&mdash;I
+seemed to go all to pieces and&mdash;[<span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>rattles the money-box.</i>] However,
+better luck this year.</p>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Shall we say a little more resolution?</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Oh, I mean to pull myself together this year.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Perhaps you tried too much reforming, Harry&mdash;too many irons in
+the fire, eh?</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Well, it's jolly hard to keep it up. And I'd got pretty slack
+till you woke us up last night&mdash;I say, that was a rouser again.</p>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> It wasn't a very bad sermon, was it? Well now for the next
+year shall we make one especial effort in one especial
+direction&mdash;Say&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Temper, eh, Harry?</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Right, old girl! Oh, I mean it.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> No victory for free will, and the Blanket Club, this time. Game
+and game, eh? Now which of you two&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Looking at</i> <span class="smcap">Renie</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span>.</p></div>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> I'll be your first victim. [<i>Coming into the middle of the
+room, and posing.</i>] It's so strange that what you started as a jest&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Oh no, in deadly earnest I assure you.</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> In this life who knows what is jest and what<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[99]</a></span> is earnest? The
+least little innocent thing may turn to a tragedy in a moment&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Surely you haven't had any little tragedies?</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> No, last year a mere little circumstance might have turned to a
+tragedy&mdash;honestly I wasn't to blame, but perhaps I was a little
+careless, and two dear friends came to me with their counsel, and what
+might have been a tragedy was turned to a comedy, thanks to those two
+dear friends!</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> My dear, may I ask "what circumstance" you are alluding to?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> We said we wouldn't be inquisitive&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> No, but I cannot recall anything in my wife's life during the
+last twelve months that even approached a tragedy&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> I said the affair was quite unimportant&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> Then I wish, my dear, you wouldn't magnify everything, and I
+wish you would read solid scientific works in place of rubbishy French
+novels&mdash;and above all, take a little more regular exercise!</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Perhaps Mrs. Sturgess may consider that little point during the
+coming year. Meantime, [<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Renie</span>] may we be confident your little
+tragedy is ended&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Oh yes, quite.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> We needn't ask its nature, but you give us your word of honor?</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Looks at her very searchingly and speaking seriously.</i>]</p></div>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Yes, my word of honor.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Thank you.</p>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Another victory.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Looks searchingly at her, drops a sovereign in the box.</i>]
+Lucas?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> [<i>Coming cheerfully forward.</i>] My turn for the thumbscrew!</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> You seem very cheerful about it.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[100]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Yes, I'm going to make a jolly good show.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> What particular bad habit have you conquered during the past
+year?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> I don't know that I've conquered any one in particular, but
+I've had a regular good go in all round, so altogether I can pat myself
+on the back.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> But I want to know one particular habit conquered&mdash;for instance,
+you weren't very careful what ladies you made love to, or how many of
+them at the same time&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> I say, Uncle Matt, drop this&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> And a year or two ago you went just a little bit off the
+straight&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Oh no I didn't.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> I want to know&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Thank you, no more thumbscrew. I'm out of this before it goes
+any further.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> It isn't going any further. [<i>Putting his hand on</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas's</span>
+<i>shoulder.</i>] Give me your word of honor&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> That's all very well, it wasn't a very bad case, and I don't
+think you should have brought it up. But as you have&mdash;well, I did meet a
+lady, and I was very much attracted to her, but I summoned all my
+resolution, and there the matter ended.</p>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> I think I may claim a victory here.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> So please put in your sovereign.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Very seriously.</i>] If you will give me your word of honor that
+you have absolutely broken off&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Yes, yes, of course I have.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>puts in a sovereign, hands the box to</i> <span class="smcap">Pilcher</span>.</p></div>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Three victories and one draw out of four. Most satisfactory.
+[<i>Taking out watch.</i>] I must hurry off to the White House and see what
+they're doing there. [<i>Rattling the box.</i>] Excellent results! So<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[101]</a></span>
+excellent that I think I'm justified in making you a little New Year's
+gift.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Going to his heap of brown-paper parcels.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> A New Year's gift! How kind of you! To me?</p>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> [<i>Opening his parcel.</i>] To you and your husband. To your
+husband in particular, because, although he may have fallen a little
+short of perfection during the last year&mdash;like some of the rest of
+us&mdash;yet I feel sure that during this coming year&mdash;[<i>They have all been
+watching him curiously; he has now opened the parcel and displays a very
+bright brand new collecting box, with Crookbury Blanket Club painted on
+it, in large letters. It is much larger than the hospital box.</i>] My
+household regulator! [<i>Giving it to</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly</span>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Who has shown considerable disappointment on the opening of
+the parcel.</i>] Crookbury Blanket Club! Thank you so much, for Harry's
+sake. Harry! For you, dear.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>She gives the box to</i> <span class="smcap">Harry</span>, <i>who places it on the same table.</i>]</p></div>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> You call it the household regulator?</p>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Yes&mdash;I have suggested it to several of my brethren. Oh, its
+use will become very general throughout the diocese.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> You think it will work well?</p>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> It cannot fail. A box of this character&mdash;larger or smaller,
+according to the size of the family and their behaviour is left at each
+house on the first of the year. All little failings, peccadilloes, and
+asperities are strictly fined. The inevitable result is that either the
+family behaviour improves, or the parish charities benefit. I'm starting
+its operation in my parish to-day. Forgive any inexcusable rudeness in
+leaving the first box with you. I must hurry off! [<i>Shaking hands.</i>]
+Good-bye, Professor.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[102]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> I should like to make that point clear with regard to free
+will&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> When you have an hour, or shall I say a year, to spare, we
+might argue it out&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> You're going to the White House? If I might accompany you&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Delighted!</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Shakes hands in dumb show with</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Harry</span>.</p></div>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> Renie, you've had your restless fits again. You'd better come
+with us&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> But I've already been walking&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> My dear, this bracing country air is just what you need. Keep
+out in it all the day long&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Oh, very well&mdash;the White House, and the fish-pond as usual, I
+suppose?</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> As usual. Come along.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Exit.</i> <span class="smcap">Renie</span> <i>slightly shrugs her shoulders, very slightly
+glances at</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span> <i>and exit after</i> <span class="smcap">Professor</span>.</p></div>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> The dear old fish-pond! We might all take a stroll there!</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Good idea! The dear old fish-pond! We might all take a stroll
+there!</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Linking his arm with</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span>.</p></div>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> [<i>Suspicious, holding back.</i>] I don't know that I care&mdash;we went
+there last year&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> We did! Same old game, eh? Come along.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Drags</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span> <i>off</i>.</p></div>
+
+<p><i>Pilcher.</i> [<i>Has been gathering up his parcels.</i>] Well, good-bye!
+Good-bye! [<i>Rattles the hospital box vigorously.</i>] Three splendid
+victories for free will and moral resolution!</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Exit, rattling the box.</i></p></div><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[103]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Doll, you really haven't got any bills this year?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> No! no! Only the few little oddments that no woman can prevent.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> You might let me see the little oddments&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> I will. [<i>Suddenly.</i>] Oh Harry, I quite forgot! Do forgive me!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> What?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> I never wrote the geyser bath people!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Never mind the geyser bath.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> And only this morning you rowed me because I hadn't got it
+ready for the New Year! Where did you put their address?</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> I don't know! Somewhere upstairs among my papers.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Gently pushing him off.</i>] I can just catch to-night's post!
+Make haste and get it! Quick! There's a dear! And then we can get the
+bath fixed up for you next week.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Ye&mdash;es. I say, Doll, I mean to get those oddments fixed up
+to-night.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Taps the writing-case significantly and exit.</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>looks
+frightened, sees him off, goes up to writing-desk, takes out bills,
+looks at them, throws up her arms in despair, groans, slams down
+the writing-desk, looks at the chair she has touched in first act,
+shows great resolution, marches up and touches it.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes! Yes! I have got free will.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Goes back from it, again looks at it, again marches up to it,
+touches it.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Then why do I keep on having bills?</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><span class="smcap">Renie</span> <i>enters in great agitation and distress.</i><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[104]</a></span></div>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Oh, Dolly!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> What's the matter?</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Oh, Dolly!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> What is it?</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Throws her arms round</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>affectionately.</i>] You've always
+been such a true friend to me&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes, dear.</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> More like a sister. And I know I may trust you now.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>A little suspicious.</i>] Yes. Has anything happened?</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Yes. Oh, Dolly&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Tell me!</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> As we were going out at the garden gate, Captain Wentworth held
+out a letter behind his back for me to take&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> What?!</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> But now his arm is wounded he couldn't manage it properly, and
+he dropped it. I hurried to pick it up, and then my husband noticed and
+insisted on reading it&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> What was in the letter?</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> It wasn't so very bad, but my husband has chosen to jump to a
+wrong conclusion, and&mdash;oh, Dolly, you can help me!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Coldly, relaxing her embrace.</i>] How?</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> If you'd only let me tell my husband that I was receiving it
+for you&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> What?!</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> There was no address, and fortunately it was so worded that it
+showed that you weren't really guilty.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Oh! I wasn't really guilty?</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> In fact, it proves your complete innocence.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> I'm glad of that.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[105]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Then you'll let me say it was you?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> No! You can't suppose I should let my own cousin make love to
+me in my own house?!</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> You won't help me?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes, any way but that! How could you be so foolish?</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> I don't know. When I heard yesterday he was coming, I quite
+made up my mind I'd have nothing to say to him! Dolly, free will must be
+an illusion, or else why am I always doing the things I don't mean to
+do. Oh, what shall I do?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> As you are completely innocent, you'd better ask your husband
+to forgive you.</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> Ye&mdash;es. No! As it is a perfectly pure and exalted attachment I
+shall take that ground&mdash;at any rate at first, and see what he says.
+You'll help me all you can?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes, but promise me you'll have nothing to do with Lucas in
+future!</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> No, indeed! if I once get out of this.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Very well! I'll see what I can do.&mdash;Hush!</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><i>The</i> <span class="smcap">Professor</span> <i>enters with a letter in his hand</i>, <span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>soothing him.</i></div>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> [<i>Very angry.</i>] Not a word more, if you please. Mrs. Telfer, you
+have doubtless heard&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes&mdash;&mdash;?</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> I leave for London to-night-to consult my lawyer. Mrs. Sturgess
+will, I trust, return to her friends until&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Perhaps Mrs. Sturgess may be able to explain&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> What explanation can be offered of language like this. [<i>Reading
+from letter.</i>] "From the first moment I saw you, I felt that you were
+entirely different from any woman I have ever met&mdash;&mdash;" A<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[106]</a></span> monstrously
+inexact statement to start with. And a woman who is capable of
+practising such deceit&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<span class="smcap">Renie</span> <i>bursts into tears</i>.</p></div>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> I think you ought to hear what Mrs. Sturgess has to say&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Through her tears.</i>] What would be the use? With such a
+nature as his he could never begin to understand the loyal and exalted
+devotion which Captain Wentworth feels for me! No, all my life I have
+been misunderstood, misjudged, condemned! Let it be so till the end!
+Dolly, come and help me pack!</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Exit</i>. <span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>goes up to table and takes up proofs of</i> <span class="smcap">Professor's</span>
+<i>book and looks through them.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> You're really too severe with poor Renie&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> I am not severe. I simply register the inevitable sentence of
+the husband upon the wife who misconducts herself!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Misconducts herself! She has merely had a little harmless
+flirtation&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> In my wife a flirtation of this character [<i>pointing to letter
+in his hand</i>] constitutes grave misconduct.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> But that's perfectly ridiculous! Why it might happen to any
+woman! Dad, explain to him&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Professor, you're taking altogether a wrong view of this. Now
+this case you were pointing out to me in your own book [<i>pointing to
+proofs</i>]&mdash;Number forty-nine, Mrs. Copway. Remarkably handsome woman
+too!&mdash;[<i>reading</i>] "The injustice and cruelty of condemning this poor
+lady must be apparent to all." My dear Professor, before publishing this
+book you'll have to modify your theory.</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> I cannot modify my theory. I have spent ten years in collecting
+facts which prove it.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[107]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Then, pardon me, you must really look over Mrs. Sturgess's
+little indiscretion.</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> That is equally impossible&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> But you say that her action in receiving my nephew's letter was
+entirely due to the activity of certain atoms in the gray matter of her
+brain.</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> Undoubtedly that is so.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Very well then, if her gray matter keeps on working wrong,
+what's the use of blaming her? You say yourself there's no such thing as
+free will&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> Precisely, but I have always allowed that in the present low
+moral and intellectual condition of the herd of mankind, free will is a
+plausible working hypothesis.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> But it doesn't work! Free will won't work at all! Look at my
+own case! Do you suppose I should go on all my life having bills if I
+could help myself? [<i>Catching</i> <span class="smcap">Matt's</span> <i>eye, who looks at her gravely and
+holds up his finger.</i>] Never mind my bills! Do make him see how wrong
+and absurd it is to punish poor Renie when there's no such thing as free
+will!</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Dolly's right! She's only saying what you have so admirably laid
+down here. My dear Professor, you cannot possibly publish this book!</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> But it has been announced! I must publish it.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> You cannot. Read that. [<i>Giving the</i> <span class="smcap">Professor</span> <i>the book and
+pointing out passage.</i>] Surely after that you cannot condemn Mrs.
+Sturgess.</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> [<i>Taking book, glancing at the passage.</i>] Really, it's most
+annoying when one's own wife upsets&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Oh! they're always making hay of our theories one way or the
+other.</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> Of course, if one presses the matter home to first
+principles&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes! Yes! Well, why not act on your own<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[108]</a></span> first principles! You
+ought to be very sorry for poor Renie, considering all she has suffered.</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> Suffered?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes, poor dear! You don't know what an awful struggle she has
+gone through between this unfortunate flirtation and her admiration for
+you.</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> Her admiration for me!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes! She always speaks of you as her great protagonist of
+science.</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> [<i>Mollified.</i>] Does she? Does she?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes. If I were you I should go upstairs, and be very sweet to
+her, and above all don't reproach her. We women can endure anything
+except reproaches&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> [<i>Looking at his proofs.</i>] I must publish my book. And after
+all, as you say, it is useless to blame them for acting according to
+the&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> The dictates of their gray matter when, bless them, they can't
+help themselves. My dear Professor, instead of condemning your wife you
+ought to be condoling with her, and doing all you can to get her gray
+matter into a healthy condition.</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> I will hear what she has to say.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> No. Go straight to her and forgive her, and then I'm sure her
+gray matter will soon be all right. And what a triumph that will be for
+you!</p>
+
+<p><i>Prof.</i> It does offer a way out of the difficulty. In any case I must
+publish my book. [<i>Exit.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Dad, I won't have her here next Christmas.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> No, my dear, I wouldn't.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> That wretched Lucas!</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> What is to be done with him?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Pack him off! Pack him off at once!</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<span class="smcap">Lucas</span> <i>cautiously looks in from upper conservatory door.</i></p></div>
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[109]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> I say, how's the old bird seem to take it?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Old bird!</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> He isn't going to make a shindy over a trifle like this?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Trifle! He's threatening to divorce her and expose you!</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> You don't say so. I'm awfully sorry!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Sorry!</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> I am, indeed! And any reparation I can make&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Reparation?!</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Such as an apology&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>utters a contemptuous exclamation.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Will you give me your word of honor never to see Mrs. Sturgess
+again?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Yes.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Or write to her?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Yes.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> The word of honour of an English gentleman used to mean
+something, Lu.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> It does now, Uncle Matt!</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Shakes hands with him heartily.</i>] Then I'll take it. Now be
+off as quickly as you can and let us make the best of it for you and
+her.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> Thanks. Good-bye!</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Good-bye!</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<span class="smcap">Lucas</span> <i>crosses to</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly</span>, <i>offers his hand.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> No, Lu. If Renie gets out of this safely and if you behave
+yourself, I'll shake hands with you when you come back from India.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lucas.</i> You're taking this too seriously&mdash;you're taking it far too
+seriously! [<i>Exit.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> We're making a splendid start again for the New Year!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> I hope this will be a lesson for Renie!</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> I hope so. How about yourself?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[110]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> What do you mean?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> I put the sovereign in, but&mdash;you've got a few more bills, eh?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Just a few oddments.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> How much?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> I don't know. Dad&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Well?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Now that South Africans have gone up at last, and you won that
+splendid coup on them last week&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Well?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> You couldn't lend me&mdash;a few hundreds&mdash;till my allowance comes
+due? Just a few hundreds&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>In a low reproachful tone, shaking his head.</i>] What? What?
+What? Sad! Sad! Sad!!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Listens.</i>] There's Harry! You will help me, Dad&mdash;you will?</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> I'll see what I can do.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><span class="smcap">Harry</span> <i>enters cheerfully.</i></div>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> That's all right, Doll! There's the address.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Giving a slip of paper.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Thanks, dear.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> And now about these mere oddments?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Not now, dear.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Yes, dear, now. [<i>Very sternly.</i>] This instant!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Harry, you're going to lose your temper&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> No. I'm going to keep a firm guard on it, but [<i>very sternly</i>]
+let me see those bills.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Creeps frightened up to the desk.</i>] I'm sure you're going to
+lose your temper.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Opens the desk.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Firmly.</i>] No. I'm quite calm. Whose bill is that? [<i>She hands
+him one timorously.</i>] Fulks and Garner! Artist Furriers! More artists!
+[<i>looks at total</i>]<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[111]</a></span>&mdash;one hundred and twenty-four pounds. Well, I'm&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Ah, Jobling!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> I should think I am Jobling. And you said you'd never enter
+their shop again!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> I never meant it, but this time it was absolutely necessary&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Necessary?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes&mdash;you see the chief item&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Reads.</i>] Chinchilla toque, coat, muff and boa&mdash;eighty
+guineas&mdash;eighty guineas&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> I got them as a surprise for you when we go South next week.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Surprise! Great heavens! What in the name of all&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Shush, Harry! Her motive was a good one. She got it to please
+you!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> You haven't seen it yet, it's just outside&mdash;I've a great mind
+to give you a great New Year's treat and let you see it on!</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> I'm not going to be sweedled&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Hush! Harry! Let her put it on! Let's have a look at it, and see
+whether it's worth the money. Put it on, Doll. [<i>Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly</span>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Calls after her.</i>] I tell you I'm not going to be
+sweedled!&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> What is sweedled?</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Sweedling is sweedling! It's part swindling and part wheedling!
+It's what every d&mdash;ee&mdash;d good-natured husband like me has to go through,
+when he's fool enough to put up with it!</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> Well, old boy, you'll have to pay, you know; it will come to
+that in the end.</p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> I'm not going to be sweedled&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> And if Dolly has been a little extravagant, I must help her out
+with it to-morrow morning!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[112]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> No, we'll go into it thoroughly to-night.</p>
+
+<p><i>Matt.</i> No, Harry, we won't. My room is just above here. Besides, the
+cook is going to give us a special New Year dinner, and I want to enjoy
+it. This New Year we'll start with a comfortable evening, please!</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p><span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>enters at back in a very handsome Chinchilla coat.</i> <span class="smcap">Harry</span>
+<i>looks a little sulky. She stands in the middle of the room and
+displays it.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> Well? [<i>He looks at it rather sulkily, walks away; she follows
+him.</i>] Well? [Walking after him.] Well? Well?</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Displaying the furs.</i>]</p></div>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>He turns, looks at her, she stands and holds out her arms.</i></p></div>
+
+<p><i>Harry.</i> Oh, hang it all! [<i>Takes her in his arms and kisses her.</i>]
+There!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Kissing him heartily.</i>] And there! [<i>Another kiss.</i>] And
+there! [<i>Another kiss.</i>] And there! [<i>Catches sight of the collecting
+box, goes to it, furiously sweeps it off its table on to the floor.</i>]
+<span class="smcap">And there!</span></p>
+
+<p><br /></p>
+<p class="center">CURTAIN.</p>
+
+<hr style='width: 65%;' />
+
+<div class="transnote">
+<h3><a name="tnotes" id="tnotes"></a>
+Transcriber's note</h3>
+
+<p>The following changes have been made to the text:</p>
+
+<p>Page 7: "<span class="smcap">The Afternoon</span>" changed to "The
+<a name="cn1" id="cn1"></a><a href="#corr1"><span class="smcap">afternoon</span></a>".</p>
+
+<p>Page 12: "thirt-four, seven" changed to
+"<a name="cn2" id="cn2"></a><a href="#corr2">thirty-four</a>, seven".</p>
+
+<p>Page 21: "no doubt each of has his own" changed to "no doubt each of
+<a name="cn3" id="cn3"></a><a href="#corr3">you</a>
+has his own".</p>
+
+<p>Page 30: "had a plesant walk" changed to "had a
+<a name="cn4" id="cn4"></a><a href="#corr4">pleasant</a> walk".</p>
+
+<p>Page 33: "to the time----    w" changed to "to the
+<a name="cn5" id="cn5"></a><a href="#corr5">time----</a>".</p>
+
+<p>Page 50: "Doll." changed to "
+<a name="cn6" id="cn6"></a><a href="#corr6">Dolly.</a>".</p>
+
+<p>Page 60: "Gibralter" changed to
+"<a name="cn7" id="cn7"></a><a href="#corr7">Gibraltar</a>".</p>
+
+<p>Page 69: "speak for themselevs" changed to "speak for
+<a name="cn8" id="cn8"></a><a href="#corr8">themselves</a>".</p>
+
+<p>Page 76: "least self-recpect" changed to "least
+<a name="cn9" id="cn9"></a><a href="#corr9">self-respect</a>".</p>
+
+<p>Page 76: "now organgized" changed to "now
+<a name="cn10" id="cn10"></a><a href="#corr10">organized</a>".</p>
+
+<p>Page 78: "down in a mniute" changed to "down in a
+<a name="cn11" id="cn11"></a><a href="#corr11">minute</a>".</p>
+
+<p>Page 95: "extensive lessions" changed to "extensive
+<a name="cn12" id="cn12"></a><a href="#corr12">lesions</a>".</p>
+
+</div>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's Dolly Reforming Herself, by Henry Arthur Jones
+
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+</body>
+</html>
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@@ -0,0 +1,5445 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Dolly Reforming Herself, by Henry Arthur Jones
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Dolly Reforming Herself
+       A Comedy in Four Acts
+
+Author: Henry Arthur Jones
+
+Release Date: November 15, 2008 [EBook #27271]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK DOLLY REFORMING HERSELF ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Bryan Ness, Carla Foust and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This
+book was produced from scanned images of public domain
+material from the Google Print project.)
+
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber's note
+
+
+Minor punctuation errors have been changed without notice. A few
+printer errors have been changed, and are listed at the end. All other
+inconsistencies are as in the original. The author's spelling has been
+maintained.
+
+
+
+
+   THE PLAYS OF
+   HENRY ARTHUR JONES
+
+
+   DOLLY
+   REFORMING
+   HERSELF
+
+   A COMEDY IN FOUR ACTS
+
+   BY
+
+   HENRY ARTHUR JONES
+
+   AUTHOR OF
+
+   "THE LIARS," "MICHAEL AND HIS LOST ANGEL," "THE TEMPTER,"
+   "THE CRUSADERS," "JUDAH," "THE CASE OF REBELLIOUS
+   SUSAN," "THE DANCING GIRL," "THE MIDDLEMAN,"
+   "THE ROGUE'S COMEDY," "THE TRIUMPH OF THE
+   PHILISTINES," "THE MASQUERADERS," "THE
+   MANOEUVRES OF JANE," "CARNACSAHIB,"
+   "THE GOAL," "MRS. DANE'S DEFENCE,"
+   "THE LACKEY'S CARNIVAL," "THE
+   PRINCESS'S NOSE," ETC.
+
+
+   "Memnon concut un jour le projet insense d'etre parfaitement sage. Il
+   n'y a guere d'hommes a qui cette folie n'ait quelquefois passe par la
+   tete." VOLTAIRE.
+
+
+   COPYRIGHT, 1910, BY HENRY ARTHUR JONES
+
+
+   PRICE 50 CENTS
+
+   NEW YORK               | LONDON.
+   SAMUEL FRENCH          | SAMUEL FRENCH, LTD.
+   PUBLISHER              | 26 SOUTHAMPTON ST,
+   28-30 WEST 38TH STREET | STRAND
+
+
+
+
+   DOLLY REFORMING
+   HERSELF
+
+   A COMEDY IN FOUR ACTS
+
+   BY
+
+   HENRY ARTHUR JONES
+
+   "Memnon concut un jour le projet insense d'etre parfaitement sage. Il
+   n'y a guere d'hommes a qui cette folie n'ait quelquefois passe par la
+   tete." VOLTAIRE.
+
+   COPYRIGHT, 1910, BY HENRY ARTHUR JONES
+
+CAUTION--This play is fully protected under the copyright laws of the
+United States, is subject to royalty, and any one presenting the play
+without the consent of the author or his agents, will be liable to
+penalty under the law. All applications for amateur performances must be
+made to SAMUEL FRENCH, 28-30 West 38th Street, New York City.
+
+   _ALL RIGHTS RESERVED_
+
+   NEW YORK               | LONDON
+   SAMUEL FRENCH          | SAMUEL FRENCH, LTD.
+   PUBLISHER              | 26 SOUTHAMPTON STREET
+   28-30 WEST 38TH STREET | STRAND
+
+
+
+
+"The crescendo of quarrel is most skilfully and drolly arranged;--a
+scene on classic lines boldly challenging and, what is more, maintaining
+comparison with Sheridan." Mr. A. B. Walkley--The London Times.
+
+"This new play, by Mr. Henry Arthur Jones, at The Haymarket, is surely
+as good a comedy as he has ever written.
+
+I should say, in evaluating Mr. Jones, that his greatest asset is his
+humor. We are grateful that Mr. Jones has that comfortable gift which
+prevents him from dancing on us--that gift of humor whereby he is
+content to take us just as we are.
+
+No playwright is more joyously observant than Mr. Jones; and none
+observes more accurately, in the milieu that he has chosen. Other
+playwrights may create more salient and memorable figures. But none of
+them creates figures so lifelike as Mr. Jones.
+
+Nor is any one of them so fine a craftsman. We are not made conscious of
+it while the play is in progress. From the very outset, we are aware
+merely of certain ladies and gentlemen behaving with apparent freedom
+and naturalness. It is only when the play is over that we notice the art
+of it. The verisimilitude of "Dolly Reforming Herself" is all the more
+admirable because the play is founded on a philosophic question, and in
+the whole course of it there is not a scene, not a character (not even
+the butler's character), that is not strictly and logically relevant to
+this question. The whole fabric is wrought in a tight and formal
+pattern, yet the effect of it is as life itself. The question in point
+is "Can we cure ourselves of our bad habits?" and the answer is worked
+not through a story, but simply through the behavior of a few people in
+a country-house.
+
+The central scene of the play, however, is the scene between Dolly and
+her husband. The whole scene is delightful, worked out with the finest
+sense of dramatic rhythm: a truly great comic scene, of which Mr. Jones
+may well be proud."
+
+Mr. Max Beerbohm--The Saturday Review.
+
+
+
+
+TO MISS ETHEL IRVING
+
+
+My Dear Miss Irving,
+
+Will you accept the dedication of this little comedy, whose success at
+the Haymarket was so largely due to your fine and sincere performance of
+Dolly?
+
+                                          Faithfully yours
+
+                                                     Henry Arthur Jones.
+
+
+
+
+The following is a copy of the original cast of "Dolly Reforming
+Herself" produced at the Haymarket Theatre, on Tuesday, November 3rd.,
+1908.
+
+CAST.
+
+_Harry Telfer_ (Dolly's Husband) MR. ROBERT LORAINE
+_Matthew Barron_ (Dolly's Father) MR. C. M. LOWNE
+_Captain Lucas Wentworth_ (Dolly's Cousin) MR. CHARLES R. MAUDE
+_Professor Sturgess_ MR. E. LYALL SWETE
+_The Rev. James Pilcher_ (Vicar of Crookbury) MR. HERBERT BUNSTON
+_Criddle_ MR. GILBERT PORTEOUS
+_Mrs. Harry Telfer_ (Dolly) MISS ETHEL IRVING
+_Mrs. Sturgess_ (Renie) MISS MARGARET HALSTAN
+_Peters_ (Dolly's Maid) MISS ADA WEBSTER
+
+
+
+
+PERSONS REPRESENTED.
+
+
+HARRY TELFER (Dolly's husband).
+MATTHEW BARRON (Dolly's father).
+CAPTAIN LUCAS WENTWORTH (Dolly's cousin).
+PROFESSOR STURGESS.
+THE REVEREND JAMES PILCHER (Vicar of Crookbury.)
+CRIDDLE.
+
+MRS. HARRY TELFER (Dolly).
+MRS. STURGESS (Renie).
+PETERS (Dolly's maid).
+
+
+ACT I.
+
+SCENE.--THE DRAWING-ROOM AT HARRY TELFER'S, THE GABLES, CROOKBURY GREEN,
+SURREY.
+
+_Time_--THE AFTERNOON OF 1ST JANUARY, 1907.
+
+
+ACT II.
+
+SCENE.--THE SAME.
+
+_Time_--AFTER DINNER ON THE SAME DAY.
+
+
+ACT III.
+
+SCENE.--THE SAME.
+
+_Time_--LATER ON THE SAME NIGHT.
+
+
+ACT IV.
+
+SCENE.--THE SAME.
+
+_Time_--THE AFTERNOON OF 1ST JANUARY, 1908.
+
+
+
+
+Dolly Reforming Herself
+
+
+
+
+ACT I.
+
+
+SCENE: _Drawing-room at_ HARRY TELFER'S, _The Gables, Crookbury Green,
+Surrey. A well-furnished room in a modern red brick country house. At
+the back, a little to the right, is a door leading into the hall. All
+along the right side is a glass partition, showing a conservatory which
+is entered by glass doors, one up stage, the other down. On the left
+side is a large fireplace. At the back, in the centre, is a handsome
+writing-desk with a shut down flap lid. Above the fireplace, facing the
+audience is a large sofa. To the right of sofa, and below it in the left
+centre of the room is a small table, and near to it an easy chair. Right
+centre down stage is a larger table._
+
+TIME: _The afternoon of_ 1ST _January_, 1907.
+
+_Discover at writing-table, back to audience_, DOLLY TELFER, _a bright
+little woman about thirty, busied with bills and papers. Bending over
+her, back to audience, is her father_, MATT BARRON, _a pleasant-looking,
+easy-going cynic of sixty._ HARRY TELFER, DOLLY'S _husband, an ordinary
+good-natured, weakish, impulsive Englishman about thirty-five, is
+standing with his back to the fire. Sitting on sofa, reading a
+scientific book, is_ PROFESSOR STURGESS, _a hard, dry, narrow, fattish
+scientific man about forty-five. At the table, right, reading a French
+novel, is_ RENIE STURGESS, _the Professor's wife, a tall, dark, handsome
+woman about thirty_.
+
+
+_Harry_. No, I can't say that I pay very much attention to sermons as a
+rule, but Pilcher gave us a regular downright, no-mistake-about-it,
+rouser at the Watch-night Service last night.
+
+_Matt_. [_Turning round_.] I wonder what precise difference this rousing
+sermon will make in the conduct of any person who heard it.
+
+_Harry_. Well, it's going to make a lot of difference in my conduct. At
+least, I won't say a lot of difference, because I don't call myself a
+very bad sort of fellow, do you?
+
+_Matt_. N-o--No----
+
+_Harry_. At any rate I'm a thundering good husband, ain't I, Dolly?
+[DOLLY _takes no notice_.] And I've got no flagrant vices. But I've got
+a heap of--well a heap of selfish little habits, such as temper, and so
+on, and for the coming year I'm going to knock them all off.
+
+_Matt_. That will be a score for Pilcher--that is, if you do knock them
+off.
+
+_Harry_. Oh, I'm thoroughly resolved! I promised Dolly last night,
+didn't I, Dolly? [DOLLY _takes no notice_.] Dolly too! Dolly was awfully
+impressed by the sermon, weren't you, Dolly?
+
+_Matt_. [_Looking round at_ DOLLY'S _back_.] Dolly was awfully
+impressed?
+
+_Harry_. Yes. Before we went to bed she gave me her word, that if I'd
+give her a little help, she'd pay off all her bills, and live within her
+allowance for the future, didn't you, Dolly?
+
+_Matt_. Well, that will be another score for Pilcher--that is, if Dolly
+does live within her allowance.
+
+_Harry._ Oh, Dolly means it this time, don't you Dolly?
+
+_Dolly._ [_Turns round on her stool, bills in hand._] I think it's
+disgraceful!
+
+_Matt._ What?
+
+_Dolly._ These tradespeople! [_Comes down to_ MATT.] I'm almost sure
+I've paid this bill once--if not twice. Then there's a mistake of thirty
+shillings in the addition--you're good at figures, Dad. Do add that up
+for me. My head is so muddled.
+
+     [_Giving the bill to_ MATT.
+
+_Harry._ Aren't you glad, Doll, that you made that resolution not to
+have any more bills?
+
+_Dolly._ It will be heavenly! To go about all day with the blessed
+thought that I don't owe a farthing to anybody. It's awful!
+
+     [_Crunching a bill in her hand, and throwing it on to
+     writing-table._
+
+_Harry._ Cheer up, little woman! You don't owe such a very alarming
+amount, do you?
+
+_Dolly._ Oh no! Oh _no_! And if you'll only help me as you promised----
+
+_Harry._ We'll go thoroughly into it by-and-by. In fact I did mean to
+give you a pleasant little Christmas surprise, and pay off all your
+debts.
+
+_Dolly._ Oh, you angel! But why didn't you do it?
+
+_Harry._ I've done it so often! You remember the last time?
+
+_Dolly._ [_Making a wry face._] Yes, I remember the last time.
+
+_Harry._ And here we are again!
+
+_Dolly._ Oh, don't talk like a clown!
+
+_Harry._ But, my dear Dolly, here we are again.
+
+_Dolly._ Well, I haven't got the money sense! I simply haven't got it! I
+was born without it!
+
+_Matt._ [_Hands her the bill._] The addition is quite correct.
+
+_Dolly._ [_Taking the bill._] You're sure? Then I'm convinced I've paid
+it! [_Looking at bill._] Yes! Thirty-four, seven, six. Professor
+Sturgess----
+
+_Prof._ [_Looks up from his book_] Yes?
+
+_Dolly._ You understand all about psychology and the way our brains
+work.
+
+_Prof._ I've given my entire life to their study, but I cannot claim
+that I understand them.
+
+_Dolly._ But wouldn't you say----
+
+_Prof._ What?
+
+_Dolly._ I'm morally certain I've paid this bill.
+
+_Matt._ Have you got the receipt?
+
+_Dolly._ No! I must have mislaid it.
+
+_Matt._ When, and where did you pay it?
+
+_Dolly._ I cannot recall the exact circumstances. And now----
+
+_Matt._ And now----?
+
+_Dolly._ Fulks and Garner have sent me a most impertinent note
+requesting immediate payment.
+
+_Prof._ What is the particular brain process that you wish me to
+explain?
+
+_Dolly._ How do you account for my having the most vivid impression that
+I've paid it--so vivid that I cannot shake it off?
+
+_Prof._ Well--a----
+
+_Matt._ Isn't it an instance of that obscure operation of the feminine
+mind whereby the merest wish becomes an accomplished fact?
+
+_Dolly._ My dear Dad, I actually remember the exact amount: thirty-four,
+seven, six. Thirty-four, seven, six. I shall never enter Fulks and
+Garnet's shop again!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+     _Enter_ CRIDDLE. [_Announces_.] Captain Wentworth!
+
+     _Enter_ CAPTAIN LUCAS WENTWORTH, _a good-looking smart young army
+     man about thirty. He is in riding-clothes. Exit_ CRIDDLE. _At_
+     CAPTAIN WENTWORTH'S _entrance_ RENIE _shows keen interest, throws
+     him a secret glance as he goes to shake hands with_ DOLLY.
+
+_Dolly._ Ah, Lu! What, over again! Happy New Year once more!
+
+_Lucas._ Same to you. [_Shaking hands._] Happy New Year, everybody! Good
+afternoon, Harry!
+
+     [_Nodding to_ HARRY.
+
+_Harry._ Ditto, Lu.
+
+_Lucas._ Ah, Uncle Matt! Happy New Year!
+
+     [_Shaking hands._
+
+_Matt._ Happy New Year, Lucas!
+
+_Lucas._ Good afternoon, Mrs. Sturgess.
+
+     [_Shaking hands with_ RENIE.
+
+_Renie._ Good afternoon.
+
+_Lucas._ None the worse for your outing last night, I hope?
+
+_Renie._ Oh no, I'm sure Mr. Pilcher's sermon ought to make us all very
+much better.
+
+_Dolly._ May I introduce you to Professor Sturgess--my cousin Captain
+Wentworth.
+
+_Lucas._ How d'ye do?
+
+_Prof._ How d'ye do?
+
+_Matt._ So you came over to the Watch-night Service, I hear?
+
+_Lucas._ Yes! I'd nothing much better to do, and Dolly was cracking up
+this new parson of yours, so I thought I'd jog over and sample him.
+
+_Matt._ A dozen miles over here at midnight; an hour's service in a cold
+church; and a dozen miles back to Aldershot, in the sleet and snow. I
+hope the sermon thoroughly braced you up!
+
+_Lucas._ It did. It made me feel just as good as I knew how to be.
+
+_Matt._ Here's another score for Pilcher!
+
+_Dolly._ Dad, I think it's shocking bad taste of you to keep on sneering
+at Mr. Pilcher!
+
+_Matt._ I'm not sneering. I'm only curious to follow up this wonderful
+sermon, and trace its results on all of you.
+
+_Dolly._ Well, you can see its results. [LUCAS _has got near to_ RENIE,
+_stands with his back to her, takes out a letter from his coat-tail
+pocket, holds it out for her to take. She takes it, pops it in her
+novel, and goes on reading. He moves away from her._] Take only our own
+family. Harry and I both have turned over a new leaf. Renie, you said
+Mr. Pilcher had set you thinking deeply----
+
+_Renie._ Yes, dear, very deeply.
+
+_Dolly._ Lu, you said the sermon had done you a lot of good.
+
+_Lucas._ Heaps! I won't say I'm going to set up for a saint straight
+off, because--well--I'm not so sure I could bring it off, even if I
+tried----
+
+_Matt._ That's what holds me back, my wretched nervous fear that I
+shouldn't bring it off. Still, in justice to Pilcher, I hope you're not
+going to let his sermon be wasted.
+
+_Lucas._ Oh, no! My first spare five minutes I'm going to brisk about,
+and do a bit of New Year's tidying up.
+
+     [_He is standing over_ RENIE, _who has opened his letter in her
+     novel; he again exchanges a secret look of understanding with her,
+     and makes a sign to her to go into the conservatory._
+
+     _Enter_ CRIDDLE.
+
+_Criddle._ [_Announcing._] Mr. Pilcher!
+
+     _Enter the_ REVEREND JAMES PILCHER, _a big, strong, bright, genial,
+     manly, hearty English parson about forty. Exit_ CRIDDLE.
+
+_Dolly._ How d'ye do?      [_Shaking hands._
+
+_Pilcher._ How d'ye do? Happy New Year, once more! Happy New Year, Mr.
+Barron!
+
+_Matt._ [_Shaking hands._] A happy New Year.
+
+_Pilcher._ How do again, Telfer?
+
+_Harry._ How are you?
+
+_Pilcher._ Good morning, Mrs. Sturgess.
+
+_Renie._ Good morning.
+
+     [_At_ PILCHER'S _entrance she has hidden her French novel behind
+     her in the chair. In shaking hands with_ PILCHER _it drops on to
+     the floor and_ LUCAS'S _letter drops out._ LUCAS _goes to pick it
+     up,_ MR. PILCHER _is before him, picks up the novel and letter and
+     hands them to_ RENIE. _In taking them she shows some confusion._
+
+_Pilcher._ [_Genially._] Improving the New Year by getting a thorough
+knowledge of Parisian life and manners, I see.
+
+_Renie._ [_Confused._] No!--I had begun the book a week ago and so I
+thought--a--I'd better finish it.
+
+_Lucas._ Good morning, Mr. Pilcher.
+
+_Pilcher._ [_Shaking hands._] Good morning.
+
+_Lucas._ Rattling good sermon you gave us last night.
+
+_Pilcher._ I'm glad you thought it worth coming so far to hear.
+
+_Lucas._ Not at all. Jolly well worth coming for, eh, Mrs. Sturgess?
+
+     [_With a sly little look and shake of the head at_ RENIE.
+
+_Renie._ I thoroughly enjoyed it!
+
+_Pilcher._ [_A little surprised._] Enjoyed it! Now I meant to make you
+all very uncomfortable!
+
+_Dolly._ Oh, you gave us a good shaking up, and we deserved it! I don't
+think you've met Professor Sturgess?
+
+_Pilcher._ [_Advancing to_ PROFESSOR.] No, but I've read his book, "Man,
+the Automaton."
+
+_Prof._ [_Bowing._] Not with disapproval, I trust?
+
+_Pilcher._ [_Shaking hands very cordially._] With the most profound
+disapproval, with boundless, uncompromising dissent and antagonism!
+
+_Prof._ I'm sorry!
+
+_Pilcher._ Why, you deny that man has any vestige of free will.
+
+_Prof._ Certainly. The longer I live, the more I'm convinced that free
+will is a purely subjective illusion.
+
+_Dolly._ Do you mean that when I will to do a certain thing I can't do
+it? Oh, that's absurd. For instance, I will to go and touch that chair!
+[_She goes and touches it._] There! [_Triumphantly._] I've done it! That
+shows I've got free will. [_The_ PROFESSOR _shakes his head._] Well,
+then how did I do it?
+
+_Prof._ I affirm that your willing to touch that chair or not to touch
+it, your actual touching it, or not touching it; your possession or
+non-possession of a criminal impulse----
+
+_Dolly._ I haven't any criminal impulses----
+
+_Prof._ [_Shakes his head and goes on._] Your yielding to that criminal
+impulse or your not yielding to it--all these states of consciousness
+are entirely dependent upon the condition, quantity and arrangement of
+certain atoms in the gray matter of your brain. You think, you will, you
+act according as that gray matter works. You did not cause or make that
+condition of the atoms of your gray matter, therefore you are not
+responsible for thinking or acting in this way or that, seeing that
+your thoughts, and your actions, and that direction of your impulses
+which you call your will, are all precisely determined and regulated by
+the condition and arrangement of these minute atoms of your gray matter!
+
+_Dolly._ [_Has at first listened with great attention, but has grown
+bewildered as the_ PROFESSOR _goes on._] I don't care anything about my
+gray matter! I've quite made up my mind I won't have any more bills!
+
+_Pilcher._ [_Turning to_ RENIE.] Does Mrs. Sturgess agree with the
+Professor's doctrine?
+
+_Renie._ No, indeed! To say that we're mere machines--it's horrid.
+
+_Prof._ The question is not whether it's horrid, but whether it's true.
+
+_Pilcher._ What do you think, Mr. Barron?
+
+_Matt._ It's a very nutty and knotty problem. I'm watching to see Dolly
+and Harry solve it!
+
+_Dolly._ See us solve it! How?
+
+_Matt._ You and Harry heard a most thrilling, soul-stirring sermon last
+night.
+
+_Pilcher._ You had good hearsay accounts of my sermon?
+
+_Matt._ Excellent! I should have heard it myself, but I've reached an
+age when it would be dangerous to give up any of my old and cherished
+bad habits. So in place of going to church and selfishly reforming
+myself, I shall have to be content with watching Dolly and Harry reform
+themselves.
+
+_Dolly._ Don't take any notice of him, Mr. Pilcher, he's the most
+cynical, hardened reprobate! I have to blush for him a hundred times a
+day.
+
+     [RENIE _strolls casually into conservatory by lower door._ LUCAS
+     _casually follows her._
+
+_Matt._ And in order to settle once and for all this vexed question of
+free will and moral responsibility, I'll bet you, Harry, a simple
+fiver, and I'll bet you Dolly, a new Parisian hat, and half a dozen
+pairs of gloves that you won't live up to your good resolutions, and
+that on next New Year's Day you'll neither of you be one ha'penny the
+better for all the wise counsels Mr. Pilcher gave you last night.
+
+_Harry._ A fiver! Done!
+
+_Dolly._ I'll take you, too! In fact, I'll double it; two new Parisian
+hats, and a dozen pairs of gloves!
+
+_Matt._ Done, my dear!
+
+_Pilcher._ I hope I sha'n't be accused of talking shop if I venture to
+recall that betting was one of the bad habits I especially warned my
+congregation against, last night!
+
+_Harry._ By Jove, yes--I'd forgotten all about that! Of course, if you
+wish us to cry off----
+
+_Pilcher._ Well, not exactly. I might perhaps suggest an alternative
+plan which was tried with great success in my late parish----
+
+_Dolly._ What was that?
+
+_Pilcher._ A very capital good fellow--an auctioneer and land surveyor,
+my churchwarden in fact, by name Jobling--found that in spite of
+constant good resolutions, certain small vices were gradually creeping
+upon him. There was an occasional outburst of temper to his clerks, an
+occasional half glass too much; and on one lamentable market day, he
+actually discovered himself using bad language to Mrs. Jobling----
+
+_Dolly._ [_Looking at_ HARRY.] Oh! Ah!
+
+_Matt._ Jobling's gray matter can't have been in good working order.
+
+_Pilcher._ We corrected that! We got his gray matter under control.
+
+_Dolly._ How?
+
+_Pilcher._ My Christmas Blanket Club happened to be on the road to
+bankruptcy. By the way, our Blanket Club here is in low water. Well, I
+gave Jobling a small box with a hole at the top sufficiently large to
+admit half a crown. And I suggested that whenever he was betrayed into
+one of these little slips, he should fine himself for the benefit of my
+Blanket Club----
+
+_Harry._ Good business! Dolly, where's that collecting-box they sent us
+from the Hospital for Incurables?
+
+_Dolly._ In the cupboard in the next room.
+
+_Harry._ Right-o! No time like the present!      [_Exit._]
+
+_Matt._ And how did you get out of this dilemma?
+
+_Pilcher._ Dilemma?
+
+_Matt._ Did your Blanket Club remain in bankruptcy, or what must have
+been an even more distressing alternative to you, did Jobling continue
+to use bad language to his wife?
+
+_Pilcher._ We struck a happy medium. My Blanket Club balance was
+considerably augmented, and Jobling's behaviour considerably improved
+under the stress of the fines.
+
+     _Re-enter_ HARRY _with an old, dusty collecting-box on which is
+     printed in large letters, "County Hospital for Incurables."_
+
+_Harry._ [_Placing the box on the table._] There! My name's Jobling for
+the present! By Jove! that was a very neat idea of yours.
+
+_Pilcher._ Ah, by the way, I didn't give you Jobling's tariff----
+
+_Harry._ Tariff?
+
+_Pilcher._ Jobling's tariff for a mild little profanity like "By Jove,"
+was a mere sixpence.
+
+_Harry._ Oh!      [_Feels in his pocket._
+
+_Pilcher._ Of course you needn't adopt Jobling's scale.
+
+_Harry._ Oh yes! I'll toe the mark! [_Takes six pence out of his pocket
+and puts it in his box._] I'm determined I'll cure myself of all these
+bad little tricks----
+
+_Matt._ [_To_ DOLLY, _pointing to the money-box._] Are you going to
+contribute?
+
+_Dolly._ [_Snappishly._] Perhaps, when I've paid off my bills.
+
+_Matt._ [_To_ PILCHER.] Will you kindly let my daughter have your lowest
+tariff for ladies?
+
+_Dolly._ Oh, please don't be in such a hurry. What about your own
+contribution? Mr. Pilcher, I hope you don't intend to let my father
+escape.
+
+_Pilcher._ I understood Mr. Barron was prepared to risk a five-pound
+note that you and Mr. Telfer will not carry your New Year resolutions
+into practice?
+
+_Matt._ With the almost certain chance of drawing a five-pound note from
+Harry and a new hat from Dolly.
+
+_Pilcher._ I'm afraid I can't hold out those inducements. But I can
+offer you the very pleasing alternatives of chuckling over your
+daughter's and Mr. Telfer's lapses, or of contributing five pounds to an
+excellent charity!
+
+_Matt._ H'm! Well I'll do my best to oblige you, Mr. Pilcher! Let me
+see!
+
+     [_Looking round, his eye falls on_ RENIE _and_ LUCAS _who, at the
+     beginning of the above conversation have gone into conservatory at
+     lower door, and now come out again at upper door. She has a
+     hot-house flower in her hand, and they are eagerly absorbed in
+     their conversation. The_ PROFESSOR _talking to_ HARRY _and not
+     noticing._
+
+_Renie._ [_Becoming aware that_ MATT _is watching them._] Yes, that
+arrangement of the stamens is quite unusual. It's what the gardener
+calls a "sport"----
+
+_Lucas._ [_Examining the flower._] Jolly good sport, too!
+
+_Matt._ I'm not sure that we haven't even better sport here----
+
+_Renie._ [_Coming to him._] Sport? What sport? can we join?
+
+_Matt._ That's just what I was going to propose. There are four of you
+here, who heard Mr. Pilcher's excellent discourse last night. And you
+are all determined to turn over a new leaf this year. Isn't that so?
+
+_Dolly._ Yes!
+
+_Harry._ I know I am.
+
+_Matt._ Mrs. Sturgess?
+
+_Renie._ Yes, indeed!
+
+_Matt._ Lucas, you?
+
+_Lucas._ Yes, Uncle.
+
+_Matt._ On the first of January next, I am prepared to put a sovereign
+in that money-box for every one of you who can honestly declare that he
+has broken himself or herself of his bad habits during the year.
+
+_Lucas._ I say, not all our bad habits?
+
+_Matt._ H'm. I don't wish to be exacting--I've no doubt each of you has
+his own little failing or weakness. Well, come to me and say on your
+honour that you've conquered this or that pet special weakness--and in
+goes my sovereign.
+
+_Lucas._ You don't really mean it?
+
+_Matt._ Indeed I do. I hope you won't stand out and--spoil sport, eh?
+
+_Lucas._ Oh, I don't mind coming in--just for the lark of the thing.
+
+_Matt._ Then you all agree?
+
+_Dolly._ Oh yes.
+
+_Harry._ Certainly.
+
+_Matt._ Mrs. Sturgess?
+
+_Renie._ We don't know where we may be next Christmas.
+
+_Dolly._ You'll be here with us. I invite you on the spot. You accept?
+
+_Renie._ Yes, delighted, if my husband----
+
+_Prof._ Very pleased.
+
+_Matt._ Well, Mr. Pilcher, I think I've made your Blanket Club a very
+handsome offer.
+
+_Pilcher._ Very handsome. [_Taking out watch._] I hope our friends will
+cordially respond, for the sake of my Blanket Club.
+
+_Dolly._ You'll stay for a cup of tea?
+
+_Pilcher._ I've heaps of New Year's calls to make. I'm afraid I must be
+going; good afternoon, Professor!
+
+_Prof._ Good afternoon.
+
+_Pilcher._ Good afternoon, Telfer.
+
+_Harry._ Good afternoon.
+
+_Pilcher._ Good-bye, Mrs. Sturgess.
+
+_Renie._ Good-bye. So many thanks for your eloquent sermon.
+
+     [_Shaking hands._
+
+_Pitcher._ Now, was I eloquent? I suppose I was, since I've produced
+such an invigorating New Year atmosphere.
+
+     [RENIE _moves her French novel._
+
+_Matt._ And brought Lucas over from Aldershot in the snow!
+
+_Lucas._ Rather! I shall come again next year.
+
+     [_Shaking hands._
+
+_Pilcher._ Do. And then we shall be able to estimate the effect of my
+eloquence.
+
+_Matt._ [_Tapping the money-box._] We shall!
+
+_Pilcher._ Good-bye, Mrs. Telfer.
+
+_Dolly._ Good-bye. [_Rings bell._
+
+_Pilcher._ Good-bye, Mr. Barron.
+
+_Matt._ Good-bye.
+
+_Pilcher._ You might be inclined to risk a sovereign on yourself for the
+Blanket Club?
+
+_Matt._ I daren't. I can't trust my gray matter--I should make a
+dreadful fiasco.
+
+     [CRIDDLE _appears at door._
+
+_Pilcher._ Mrs. Telfer, I leave him in your hands.
+
+     [_Exit_ PILCHER. CRIDDLE _closes the door after him._
+
+_Matt._ Dolly, I don't mind having that new Parisian hat on with you.
+
+_Dolly._ Done! I don't mind how much I punish you.
+
+_Prof._ [_Taking out his watch._] Half past three, my dear.
+
+_Renie._ I don't think I'll go out this afternoon.
+
+_Prof._ Oh, you'd better take your little constitutional. You missed it
+yesterday. I'm sure your restlessness is due to your not taking regular
+exercise.
+
+_Renie._ Which way are you going?      [_Yawning._
+
+_Prof._ My usual round, up to the White House and back by the fish-pond.
+
+_Renie._ Perhaps I'll join you at the fish-pond.
+
+_Prof._ [_To_ MATT.] Nothing like living by rule and measure.
+
+_Matt._ I shouldn't wonder. I've never tried it.
+
+_Prof._ I ascribe my constant good health and contentment to my
+unvarying routine of work and diet and exercise.      [_Exit._
+
+_Matt._ Then where do my constant good health and contentment come from?
+
+_Lucas._ Dolly, I left my evening kit here. Could you put me up for the
+night?
+
+_Dolly._ Delighted! You'll make up our rubber.
+
+_Lucas._ Right!
+
+_Matt._ Not going to ride back to Aldershot again to-night?
+
+_Lucas._ Not to-night, thank you.
+
+_Matt._ Just a shade too bracing, eh?
+
+_Lucas._ Just a shade! Dolly, I haven't seen your new fish-pond. Is
+anybody going to meet the Professor?
+
+     [_Glancing at_ RENIE.
+
+_Matt._ I am. [_Linking his arm in_ LUCAS'S.] We'll get into an
+unvarying routine of exercise for the next hour. Come along!
+
+     [_Takes_ LUCAS _off as he is exchanging a look with_ RENIE. RENIE
+     _makes to follow them, stops at door, turns back a little, stops,
+     takes out_ LUCAS'S _letter from her French novel, goes to fire and
+     reads it. Meanwhile the following scene takes place between_ DOLLY
+     _and_ HARRY.
+
+_Harry._ [_To_ DOLLY.] Now, Dolly, we can go through your bills.
+
+     [_Going to her writing-desk._
+
+_Dolly._ Yes. Hadn't I better sort them out first?
+
+_Harry._ [_Taking up bills._] Oh, I'll help you sort them out----
+
+_Dolly._ Take care! You'll muddle all my papers. [_Taking bills out of
+his hands, and closing down the writing-desk._] I want to have a little
+talk with Renie--you'd better join them at the fish-pond.
+
+_Harry._ Well, so long as you do get them sorted, and squared up. What
+about after tea?
+
+_Dolly._ All right. After tea.
+
+_Harry._ After tea. We'll have a nice cosy half-hour, all to ourselves,
+and sweep them all out of our minds.
+
+     [_With a gesture._
+
+_Dolly._ [_Nods cheerfully._] Yes, a nice cosy half-hour and sweep them
+all out of our minds. [_With his gesture. Exit_ HARRY _briskly. She
+repeats his gesture._] Sweep them all out of our minds. [_Opening desk
+and regarding bills with dismay._] Oh, don't I wish I could! Oh, Renie!
+
+     [RENIE _is busy with her letter at the fire._
+
+_Renie._ [_Puts letter into pocket._] What is it?
+
+_Dolly._ [_Has taken up one or two bills._] These bills! These awful
+bills! These vampires!
+
+_Renie._ Yes, dear! I suppose it's rather dreadful, but it must be sweet
+to have a dear, kind husband who'll pay them all off.
+
+_Dolly._ Harry? He made a dreadful fuss last time. And then I didn't
+show him all.
+
+_Renie._ Well, dear, after all, it's only bills----
+
+_Dolly._ Only bills! Only? Well, I'm going to show him every one this
+time. And what a lesson it shall be to me! That's why I'm so grateful to
+Mr. Pilcher.
+
+_Renie._ Why?
+
+_Dolly._ Yesterday afternoon I thought I'd screw up my courage to go
+through the bills just to see where I was. My dear, I was paralysed! I
+had the most appalling time! Well, Mr. Pilcher's sermon came just in the
+nick of time. I thought "what an idiot I must be to endure all this
+misery just for want of a little resolution."
+
+_Renie._ Mr. Pilcher's sermon came just in the nick of time for me too.
+
+_Dolly._ Did it?
+
+_Renie._ I had an awful afternoon yesterday!
+
+_Dolly._ You?! You haven't any bills?
+
+_Renie._ No! [_Sighs._] I almost wish I had.
+
+_Dolly._ Wish you had?!
+
+_Renie._ I almost envy you the delicious experience of having to
+confess----
+
+_Dolly._ Yes dear, you always were fond of scenes, but I'm not!
+
+_Renie._ And then the heavenly feeling of being forgiven, and taken in
+the arms of the man you love!
+
+_Dolly._ Yes, that part of it is all right. It's what comes before----
+
+     [_With a little shudder._
+
+_Renie._ After all, your husband isn't a machine. He is a human being!
+
+_Dolly._ Oh, Harry's a perfect dear in most things, but he has got a
+temper!
+
+_Renie._ My husband never even swears at me! Oh, Dolly, you are lucky!
+
+_Dolly._ Hum!
+
+_Renie._ Oh, Dolly----      [_Sighs and goes away._
+
+_Dolly._ Is anything the matter?
+
+_Renie._ No dear. Nothing, except--oh, life is so hard! so hard!
+
+_Dolly._ Renie, if you're in trouble----
+
+_Renie._ Thank you, dear. I knew you'd help me.
+
+_Dolly._ Yes, so long as it isn't money. And even then I'd help you,
+only I can't.
+
+_Renie._ It isn't money.
+
+_Dolly._ Then what is it?
+
+_Renie._ [_Looking at_ DOLLY _curiously._] I wonder if you would
+understand.
+
+_Dolly._ I'll do my best.
+
+_Renie._ It's such a strange story. [_Moving away,_ DOLLY _makes a
+little dubious grimace behind her back._ RENIE _suddenly comes up to_
+DOLLY _very effusively._] Dolly, I will trust you. You know I thoroughly
+admire and honour my husband.
+
+_Dolly._ [_A little startled._] Ye-es.
+
+_Renie._ You know that nothing could ever induce me to wrong him for a
+moment?
+
+_Dolly._ No----
+
+_Renie._ Nothing could be further from my thoughts.
+
+_Dolly._ No--but is there anybody--Renie, who is it?
+
+_Renie._ Give me your sacred promise you'll never breathe a word to any
+living soul?
+
+_Dolly._ Not a word--who is it?
+
+_Renie._ Not even to your husband?
+
+_Dolly._ Not even to my husband.
+
+_Renie._ Nor to him?
+
+_Dolly._ Him? No, of course not. Who is it?
+
+_Renie._ Well, dear, you know what my life has been. Few women have met
+with so little real sympathy as I. Few women have suffered----
+
+_Dolly._ No, dear. Who is it? Do I know him?
+
+_Renie._ Your cousin Lucas has a deep and sincere admiration for me.
+
+_Dolly._ Lu!? Lu!? Of course! I might have known he'd never ride a dozen
+miles in the snow for a sermon! It's disgraceful of him!
+
+_Renie._ No, dear, he's not to blame. We are neither of us to blame.
+
+_Dolly._ [_Contemptuously._] Oh! Why you haven't known him a month, have
+you?
+
+_Renie._ I met him for the first time in this room three weeks ago last
+Thursday afternoon.
+
+_Dolly._ It's a great pity the Professor didn't come down with you.
+
+_Renie._ That would have made no difference. It had to be!
+
+_Dolly._ What had to be? Renie, how far has this gone? You've been
+meeting him alone----
+
+_Renie._ Once or twice.
+
+_Dolly._ You've slipped away every afternoon this week.
+
+_Renie._ However often I may have met him, he has offered me nothing but
+the most chivalrous attention. He has always respected me----
+
+_Dolly._ Well then, he mustn't respect you any more. It must be stopped.
+
+_Renie._ Dolly, I didn't expect you to take up this attitude.
+
+_Dolly._ You don't suppose I'm going to have this sort of thing in my
+own house, do you?
+
+_Renie._ What sort of thing?
+
+_Dolly._ Do you remember the awful row I got into at school when your
+boy's love letter was discovered in the Banbury cakes you'd persuaded me
+to take in for you?
+
+_Renie._ But you received Banbury cakes of your own!
+
+_Dolly._ Not since I've been married. Of course before your marriage
+your outrageous flirting didn't much matter----
+
+_Renie._ Outrageous flirting?--If I seemed to flirt----
+
+_Dolly._ Seemed?!
+
+_Renie._ It was only in the vain hope of meeting with one who could
+offer me the perfect homage that I have always felt would one day be
+mine.
+
+_Dolly._ Well, he mustn't offer it here! I shall tell him so very
+plainly. He'd better not stay to dinner.
+
+_Renie._ There is no reason Captain Wentworth should not stay to dinner.
+He has given me the one absolutely blameless unselfish devotion of his
+life. I've accepted it on that distinct understanding. I've trusted you
+with my secret, a secret honourable alike to Captain Wentworth and
+myself. You've promised not to breathe a word to any living soul. You
+surely don't mean to break your word?
+
+_Dolly._ I don't mean to stand the racket of your Banbury cakes.
+
+_Renie._ I didn't expect you to be so unsympathetic. You promised to
+help me!
+
+_Dolly._ Help you! How did you expect me to help you?
+
+_Renie._ My husband has to go to Edinburgh next week to give a course of
+lectures there.
+
+_Dolly._ Well?
+
+_Renie._ He wants me to go with him. Dearest, it would be perfectly
+sweet of you to ask me to stay on another fortnight here.
+
+_Dolly._ [_Makes a little movement of indignant surprise._] I see!
+
+_Renie._ There could be no possible harm in it now that you know our
+attachment is quite innocent and that you can look after me every
+moment. Dearest, you might oblige me in a tiny little matter like this.
+
+_Dolly._ [_After a pause._] I'll think it over----
+
+_Renie._ Thank you so much.
+
+_Dolly._ Renie, you said Mr. Pilcher's sermon came just in the nick of
+time----
+
+_Renie._ So it did.
+
+_Dolly._ You don't call this the "nick of time"?!
+
+_Renie._ Yes, indeed. I went to church in a perfect fever. I didn't know
+what to do. Well, as I listened to Mr. Pilcher everything became quite
+clear to me. I resolved I would accept Captain Wentworth's pure
+unselfish devotion and make it a lever to raise all my ideals and
+aspirations!
+
+_Dolly._ But there wasn't anything in Mr. Pilcher's sermon about----
+
+_Renie._ Oh yes, there was a lot about ideals and aspirations.
+
+_Dolly._ Yes, but not the sort of aspirations you have for Lucas. I
+suppose you know he makes love to every woman he comes across?
+
+_Renie._ He told me he had been led into one or two unworthy
+attachments.
+
+_Dolly._ Yes! That's quite right. So he has! One or two!
+
+_Renie._ That was before he met me.
+
+_Dolly._ Yes, and this will be before he meets the next lady.
+
+_Renie._ [_Looks at_ DOLLY _severely._] My dear Dolly, with your light
+frivolous nature it is impossible for you to understand a pure and
+exalted attachment like ours. Listen! [_Taking out a letter._] This will
+show you his fine nature, his fine feelings--"From the first moment I
+saw you----"
+
+     MATT _enters._
+
+_Renie._ [_Putting letter in pocket._] Well, have you had a pleasant
+walk?
+
+_Matt._ Very pleasant--and instructive. The Professor asked me to remind
+you that he's waiting for you at the fish-pond.
+
+_Renie._ I'd better go. I shall get a little lecture all to myself if I
+don't. [_Going off, to_ DOLLY.] Thank you, dear, so much for your kind
+invitation to stay on!
+
+_Dolly._ Don't mention it!
+
+_Renie._ I shall try to manage it.      [_Exit._
+
+_Dolly._ Yes, I'm sure you will.
+
+_Matt._ Mrs. Sturgess going to stay on?
+
+_Dolly._ She wants me to invite her. But I won't if I can help it.
+[_Goes to him suddenly._] Dad!
+
+_Matt._ Well?
+
+_Dolly._ That wretched Lucas!
+
+_Matt._ What about him?
+
+_Dolly._ No, I've promised her not to breathe a word. So you must guess.
+[_Pause._] Have you guessed?
+
+_Matt._ [_After a pause._] Yes. Well, I--[_Begins to chuckle._] So Lucas
+is up to his old games!
+
+_Dolly._ My own guest! Under my own roof! It's too horrid of him.
+
+_Matt._ [_Chuckling._] It is! It's too bad! The rascal.
+
+_Dolly._ Oh, it's more than half her fault! It's just like her!
+
+     [MATT _suddenly bursts from a chuckle into a roar._
+
+_Dolly._ What are you laughing at?
+
+_Matt._ I've just left---- [_Chuckling._] I've just left the Professor
+down at the fish-pond explaining to Lucas all about his gray matter,
+and----      [_Roars._
+
+_Dolly._ I don't see anything to laugh at.
+
+_Matt._ Twelve miles in the snow----I say, Doll, we're making a
+splendid start for the New Year!
+
+     [_Laughing._
+
+_Dolly._ Dad! Will you please leave off? [_Shaking his shoulder._] Will
+you be serious?
+
+_Matt._ Yes, my dear!! [_Pulling himself together and straightening his
+features._] Yes, I will. After all, it's a serious matter.
+
+_Dolly._ It's very serious for me, in a neighbourhood like this!
+
+_Matt._ It's serious for me, as I was Lucas's guardian. And it's serious
+for him. If he goes and plays the fool, it may spoil his career--the
+young ass!
+
+_Dolly._ Very well, then, will you please treat it seriously and set to
+work and help me?
+
+_Matt._ How far have matters gone?
+
+_Dolly._ Oh, there's no real harm done at present.
+
+_Matt._ How do you know?
+
+_Dolly._ Oh, Lucas is writing her silly letters and she's talking about
+his pure and exalted devotion, and making it a lever to raise all her
+ideals and aspirations.
+
+_Matt._ [_Shakes his head._] That looks bad! That looks very dangerous
+for her.
+
+_Dolly._ Oh, no; she knows how to take care of herself. But it's
+dangerous for me!
+
+_Matt._ How, dangerous for you?!
+
+_Dolly._ If there's the least bit of scandal she'll contrive to drag me
+into it! I know her so well.
+
+_Matt._ [_Walking about, cogitating._] Yes, and we mustn't let Lucas
+make a mess of it.
+
+_Dolly._ What can we do?
+
+_Matt._ When I was over at Aldershot last week Sir John said something
+about giving Lucas an A. D. C. in India. I'll drive over to-morrow and
+ask Sir John to pack Lucas out of the country for a year or two!
+
+_Dolly._ That's a good idea. But it may take some time?
+
+_Matt._ A week or so, perhaps more.
+
+_Dolly._ But if they find out they're going to be parted, it is just
+this next week when there will be all the danger.
+
+_Matt._ That's true.
+
+_Dolly._ They ought to be parted to-night.
+
+_Matt._ They ought! They ought! Not a doubt about it! Not a shadow of
+doubt! They ought to be parted to-night!
+
+_Dolly._ Dad! I believe I can frighten Renie out of it.
+
+_Matt._ Frighten her?
+
+_Dolly._ I'll try! And you must take Lucas in hand----
+
+_Matt._ H'm! Isn't Harry the right person----?
+
+_Dolly._ No, I sha'n't tell Harry. Harry would only get into a temper
+and muddle it. No, you must get Lucas to take himself off.
+
+_Matt._ Take himself off!
+
+_Dolly._ I won't have him here. You can tell him so. Be very severe with
+him.
+
+_Matt._ [_Dubious._] H'm!
+
+_Dolly._ Take a very high tone.
+
+_Matt._ I'm not sure that taking a high tone is quite in my line.
+
+_Dolly._ Then please try it. Dad, you do realize how very serious this
+is, don't you?
+
+_Matt._ Yes, of course. Very well, I'll tackle Lucas. We'll see what a
+high tone will do with him. Heigho! Sad! Sad!! Sad!!!--Sad! Sad!!
+Sad!!!
+
+_Dolly._ Hush!
+
+     LUCAS _and_ HARRY _enter._ LUCAS _looks round for_ RENIE. DOLLY
+     _and_ MATT _talk in whispers as if settling a plan._ HARRY _goes up
+     to the collecting-box, takes out his knife and begins to scrape off
+     the label._
+
+_Dolly._ [_In a very severe tone to_ LUCAS, _who is peeping into
+conservatory._] Are you looking for anything?
+
+_Lucas._ I was wondering whether there was any tea going.
+
+_Dolly._ [_Same severe tone._] The tea is not in the conservatory.
+
+_Lucas._ No, but I thought it might be getting on to the time----
+
+_Dolly._ [_Same tone._] The tea will be served in due course.
+
+_Lucas._ [_Surprised at her tone._] Is anything the matter?
+
+     [DOLLY _looks at him severely, says nothing, turns to_ MATT. LUCAS
+     _looks puzzled, goes away, and again looks furtively into
+     conservatory for_ RENIE.
+
+_Harry._ [_Scraping away at the collecting-box._] Don't forget,
+Doll--our cosy half hour after tea----
+
+     [_Nodding at the writing-desk._
+
+_Dolly._ I won't forget.
+
+_Matt._ [_Has come up behind_ HARRY, _touches the arm he is scraping
+with._] Hospital for Incurables! I shouldn't scrape that off at present.
+
+
+CURTAIN.
+
+
+
+
+(_Four or five hours pass between Acts I and II._)
+
+ACT II.
+
+
+SCENE: _The same, on the same evening, after dinner. The sofa is now
+brought down below the fireplace, and fronts the audience a little
+diagonally, its right end being farthest up stage. The small table with
+the hospital box, and the easy chair are above the sofa, a little to the
+right of it._
+
+     _Enter_ RENIE, _much distressed and agitated._ DOLLY _follows
+     quickly, closes the door cautiously and mysteriously._
+
+_Renie._ But I don't understand. Captain Wentworth and I have been so
+little together----
+
+_Dolly._ Well, my dear, there it is! My father is the last man to pry
+into other people's affairs, but you see it has been forced upon his
+notice. And from the tone he took----
+
+_Renie._ What tone?
+
+_Dolly._ He was very severe.
+
+_Renie._ [_Alarmed._] But what did he say he had seen?
+
+_Dolly._ He wouldn't go into particulars. He seemed very much upset----
+
+_Renie._ Upset?!
+
+_Dolly._ Perhaps I ought to say shocked.
+
+_Renie._ Shocked?!
+
+_Dolly._ And when my father is shocked it must be something very
+glaring----
+
+_Renie._ [_More and more alarmed._] But there hasn't been anything
+glaring----
+
+_Dolly._ Well, dear, of course, you know.
+
+_Renie._ But I cannot imagine---- [_Suddenly._] It must have been that
+day at the stile!
+
+_Dolly._ Perhaps. What happened? No, I don't wish to hear----
+
+_Renie._ Captain Wentworth assisted me over the stile----
+
+_Dolly._ Well?----
+
+_Renie._ That's all. He may have taken a little longer about it than was
+quite necessary, and I may have leaned a little heavier than the
+circumstances required. But it was all done in perfectly good taste.
+
+_Dolly._ [_Shakes her head._] It can't have been the stile.
+
+_Renie._ Then what----? [_Cudgels her brains._] The dairy!
+
+_Dolly._ Very likely. Was that very--no, don't tell me----
+
+_Renie._ There's nothing to tell. The woman at the farm, Mrs.----
+
+_Dolly._ Biggs----
+
+_Renie._ Biggs, asked me to go over her model dairy.
+
+_Dolly._ Did she ask Lucas?
+
+_Renie._ He came. Mrs. Biggs insisted on our tasting her mince pies----
+
+_Dolly._ Mince pies--? Yes?
+
+_Renie._ While she went to get one----
+
+_Dolly._ Get one----
+
+_Renie._ She wasn't out of the dairy ten seconds----
+
+_Dolly._ No--and then?
+
+_Renie._ Captain Wentworth----a----
+
+_Dolly._ Respected you!
+
+_Renie._ [_Firing up._] He is always most respectful! In the most
+delicate, exquisitely chivalrous way, he implored me for one first and
+only kiss, and just as I was refusing him, somebody passed the dairy
+windows----
+
+_Dolly._ My father often strolls that way----
+
+_Renie._ But I was quite cold and correct---- [_Very anxiously._]
+Dolly, tell me exactly what Mr. Barron said?
+
+_Dolly._ At first he was going to speak to you himself, but I said, "No,
+that's my duty! I'm her oldest friend; I'll talk to her!"
+
+_Renie._ Ye--es?
+
+_Dolly._ So, at last he consented, and said: "Very well. Be very firm
+with her, because this sort of thing taking place under my very nose and
+under my daughter's roof is what I cannot, and will not, tolerate for
+one moment!"
+
+_Renie._ He must have passed the dairy windows!
+
+_Dolly._ Yes.
+
+_Renie._ And jumped to a wrong conclusion.
+
+_Dolly._ Yes. And that isn't the worst----
+
+_Renie._ [_Freshly alarmed._] Not the worst?!
+
+_Dolly._ Now, don't be alarmed, dear----
+
+_Renie._ About what?
+
+_Dolly._ Didn't you notice something strange in your husband's manner at
+dinner?
+
+_Renie._ No. What makes you think----?
+
+_Dolly._ My dear, if my father noticed it, why not your husband? Suppose
+all this time the Professor has been quietly, stealthily watching you
+and Lucas.
+
+_Renie._ [_Alarmed._] Dolly!
+
+_Dolly._ And waiting his time----
+
+_Renie._ Oh, Dolly!
+
+_Dolly._ Didn't you notice how he insisted on your going to the
+fish-pond?
+
+_Renie._ Yes, he did!
+
+_Dolly._ Didn't it strike you there was something in that?
+
+_Renie._ No, and he hasn't said anything----
+
+_Dolly._ Of course not. Naturally he would hide his suspicions from you
+till the right moment.
+
+_Renie._ Right moment?
+
+_Dolly._ Now, dear, you see how serious things are. You mustn't run any
+more risks. This must be broken off to-night.
+
+_Renie._ To-night?!
+
+_Dolly._ Now, what can I do to help you?
+
+_Renie._ You might tell Mr. Barron there was nothing in the dairy
+windows.
+
+_Dolly._ Of course I'll tell him, but if he saw----
+
+_Renie._ But there was nothing. Absolutely nothing----
+
+_Dolly._ No, dear. What else can I do?
+
+_Renie._ Could you find out exactly how much he has seen and heard,
+and--a--pump him a little?
+
+_Dolly._ I don't like pumping people--still--What else?
+
+_Renie._ [_Breaking down._] Oh, Dolly, this blow could not have fallen
+at a more cruel moment.
+
+_Dolly._ No, dear.
+
+_Renie._ It came just when I had lost all the illusions of girlhood,
+when all my woman's nature began to cry out----
+
+_Dolly._ Yes--[_Suddenly._] Hark! [_Listens._] Hush!
+
+     [_Creeps up to door, listens, opens it, looks out, closes it
+     again._
+
+_Renie._ What was it?
+
+_Dolly._ Hush! Voices! I thought it might be Lucas and the Professor
+quarrelling.
+
+_Renie._ I really don't think my husband suspects----
+
+_Dolly._ No, I daresay it's only my imagination.
+
+_Renie._ And if he did--Dolly, is there one man living, except my
+husband, who would condemn me for being the object of a noble,
+single-hearted devotion like Captain Wentworth's?
+
+_Dolly._ No, dear, perhaps not. But, you see, as husbands they take
+quite a different view of things from what they do merely as men.
+
+_Renie._ Tell me candidly, Dolly, you see nothing wrong in it, do you?
+
+_Dolly._ Well, dear, when you say wrong----
+
+_Renie._ But I assure you there isn't--nothing could be further from my
+thoughts.
+
+_Dolly._ No, dear--still, people are so full of prejudice--now what can
+I do?
+
+_Renie._ [_Clasping_ DOLLY'S _hand warmly._] Oh, Dolly, you can help me
+so much.
+
+_Dolly._ [_A little alarmed._] Can I? Tell me----
+
+_Renie._ If Lucas and I are parted---- [_Breaks down._] I can't bear it!
+I can't bear it!
+
+_Dolly._ Try, dear! Try!
+
+_Renie._ [_Sobbing._] I will. And if at any time I long to hear how he
+bears our separation, you won't mind receiving a letter, and sending it
+on to me?
+
+_Dolly._ I'm afraid I couldn't do that, dear. You see, I'm so careless,
+and if I left the letter about, and Harry found it--no, dear----
+
+_Renie._ You won't help me?
+
+_Dolly._ Yes, dear, I'll do anything in my power! [_Suddenly._] I'll
+tell you what I can do!
+
+_Renie._ Yes?
+
+_Dolly._ My father is telling Lucas he must leave to-night. Well, I can
+spare you all the pain and misery of saying "Good-bye," and take one
+last message to him.
+
+_Renie._ [_Curtly._] No, thank you. It's most unkind of you to send him
+away like this. I must see him alone before he goes.
+
+_Dolly._ [_Shakes her head._] My father insists, and suppose Lucas feels
+that he owes it to your reputation to go quietly----
+
+_Renie._ Without seeing me?!
+
+_Dolly._ And suppose the Professor is really watching you----
+
+     [RENIE shows great perplexity. DOLLY _is watching her._
+
+_Dolly._ If you don't see Lucas, what message shall I take him?
+
+_Renie._ Tell him how proud I am of his noble, unselfish devotion; tell
+him I shall always look upon it as the one supreme happiness of my life
+to have known him----
+
+     _The_ PROFESSOR _and_ MATTHEW _enter. The_ PROFESSOR _has diagrams
+     and illustrations in his hand. Following the_ PROFESSOR _and_ MATT
+     _are_ HARRY _and_ LUCAS. LUCAS, _after a little time, comes up to_
+     DOLLY _and_ RENIE, _who are seated on sofa. The_ PROFESSOR _is
+     speaking to_ MATT _as he enters, and is showing him an
+     illustration._
+
+_Prof._ [_In his hard, metallic voice._] Observe that woman's facial
+angle--[_pointing_] the peculiar curve of the lip, and the irregular
+formation of the nose.
+
+     [_Describing a little upward curve on the paper with his thumb._
+
+_Matt._ I have seen sweeter things in ladies' lips and noses.
+
+     [_Describing the same little upward curve with his thumb on the
+     paper._
+
+_Prof._ Can you be surprised at her history?
+
+_Matt._ Who was she?
+
+_Prof._ Jane Sweetman, the notorious trigamist. Looking at that woman's
+cranium I maintain it was impossible for her to avoid----
+
+_Matt._ Committing trigamy?
+
+_Prof._ Well, some species of grave moral delinquency.
+
+     [DOLLY _clutches_ RENIE'S _wrist significantly. The_ PROFESSOR
+     _hands the illustration to_ HARRY, _who examines it._ MATT _moves
+     away a step and unobtrusively feels his own nose and forehead._
+
+_Harry._ [_Has examined the illustration._] By Jove, yes--anybody can
+see she was bound to come a moral cropper, eh?
+
+     [_He hands the illustration to_ DOLLY, _who passes it to_ RENIE,
+     _with a very significant glance, pointing out something on the
+     paper._ LUCAS _leans over the back of the sofa between_ RENIE _and_
+     DOLLY _to look at the illustration. As he leans on the back of the
+     sofa_, DOLLY _draws herself up very indignantly, gives him a severe
+     look; moves a little away from him, sits and looks very severely in
+     front of her. He cannot understand her attitude, draws back a
+     little and looks puzzled._
+
+_Prof._ [_Bringing out another illustration, offering it to_ MATT.] Now
+look at this.
+
+_Matt._ [_Taking illustration._] Somebody's brains!
+
+_Prof._ Tell me if you notice anything peculiar.
+
+     [HARRY _leans over_ MATT'S _shoulder, and looks at the
+     illustration._ LUCAS _again leans over the sofa, between_ DOLLY
+     _and_ RENIE. DOLLY _again moves a little further away from him with
+     another indignant look._ LUCAS _is again puzzled, but bends and
+     looks over the illustration in_ RENIE'S _hands._
+
+_Lucas._ So that's Jane Sweetman! Well, if Jane was bound to come a
+moral cropper, I'm very glad I wasn't bound to come a moral cropper with
+Jane, eh, Dolly? [_Very pleasantly._
+
+_Dolly._ [_Very severely._] I should scarcely have thought you troubled
+whom you came a moral cropper with!
+
+     [_Looks at him severely, goes up to writing-desk, seats herself and
+     writes letter. He feels himself snubbed, and moves a step or two
+     back, stands and looks puzzled._ PROFESSOR _has been critically
+     regarding_ MATT _and_ HARRY, _who have been looking at the
+     illustration._
+
+_Prof._ Well, does anything strike you?
+
+_Matt._ No. [_Holding it out._] Looks rather
+pulpy--rather--a--squashy----
+
+_Prof._ Exactly! Observe the soft, almost watery condition of that gray
+matter. What is the inevitable consequence?
+
+_Matt._ I couldn't quite say--whom did that gray matter belong to?
+
+_Prof._ Harriet Poy.
+
+_Matt._ I don't remember Harriet----
+
+_Prof._ The Pyromaniac. At the age of four set fire to her mother's bed.
+At twelve was found saturating blankets with petroleum; at sixteen fired
+three hayricks, for which she was sentenced to six months' imprisonment.
+
+_Matt._ Poor Harriet! But of course if her gray matter went and got
+watery----
+
+_Prof._ Just so! I maintain that with her gray matter in that condition
+it was a stupid crime to send her to prison.
+
+_Dolly._ [_Looking round from desk._] But what are we to do with people
+whose gray matter goes wrong?
+
+_Prof._ I propose to deal with that question at Edinburgh. [_To_ MATT.]
+You might, perhaps, care to run down to Edinburgh for my lectures----
+
+_Matt._ I should love it above all things; but the fact is, I'm so
+thoroughly of your opinion----
+
+_Prof._ Are you?! I'm delighted I've convinced you.
+
+_Matt._ Completely. All my life I've been doing things I should never
+have dreamed of doing if my gray matter had done its duty and not got
+watery.
+
+_Harry._ [_Begins._] Yes, when you come to think of all the rotten
+things you find yourself doing, you feel, by Jove----
+
+     [_Suddenly recalls that he has said "by Jove," and being near the
+     collection-box, he quietly pulls sixpence out of his pocket and
+     drops it in._
+
+_Matt._ Bravo, Harry! [_Patting him._
+
+_Harry._ Oh, I mean it!--Professor, isn't it time for our hundred up?
+
+_Prof._ [_Taking out watch._] In two minutes.
+
+_Harry._ I'll go and get the balls out and chalk the cues. [_Going up to
+door._] Doll, [_taps the writing-desk_] you put it off after
+tea--by-and-by, you know!
+
+_Dolly._ [_She has finished letter, has risen, and closed
+writing-desk._] By-and-by.
+
+_Harry._ Before we go to bed--don't forget.
+
+_Dolly._ Oh, I sha'n't forget.
+
+     [_Makes a wry face. Exit_ HARRY.
+
+_Prof._ Renie, you were complaining of headache. It would be wise to
+take a short stroll in the cool air.
+
+_Renie._ Oh, very well.
+
+_Prof._ Wrap up thoroughly. Ten minutes, not longer.
+
+     [_Exit._ DOLLY, _unseen by_ RENIE _and_ LUCAS, _slips the note she
+     has been writing into_ MATT'S _hands. He takes it down stage,
+     right, and reads it._ RENIE _and_ LUCAS _have been talking, apart;
+     they move towards the door to get out, but_ DOLLY _is standing in
+     the way of their exit._
+
+_Dolly._ Oh, Renie! I'll put on my things, and come with you.
+
+_Renie._ But Captain Wentworth has offered----
+
+_Dolly._ I've a splitting headache--I must get a little air. And Dad
+wants to have a talk with Lucas, don't you?
+
+_Matt._ If he can spare five minutes.
+
+_Lucas._ Won't by-and-by be just as convenient?
+
+_Dolly._ [_Facing_ LUCAS, _speaking firmly._] No, by-and-by will not be
+just as convenient. Now, Renie, we'll leave them together.
+
+     [_Gets_ RENIE _off, turns, looks daggers at_ LUCAS, _goes off
+     after_ RENIE, _closes door in his face. He opens it, and goes after
+     her._
+
+_Lucas._ I say, Doll, what's up? [_Follows her off._] What's the matter?
+
+_Matt._ [_Reading_ DOLLY'S _note._] "Be very severe with him. Make a
+great point of the dairy windows. He'll understand." Dairy windows?
+
+     [_Puts the note in his pocket, as_ LUCAS _re-enters, puzzled and
+     disappointed._
+
+_Lucas._ I can't think what's the matter with Dolly. She has done
+nothing but snub me all the evening.
+
+_Matt._ [_Looking at him sternly._] So I should imagine!
+
+_Lucas._ [_Startled by his manner._] I say, have I done anything?
+
+_Matt._ Done anything! I'm a man of the world! nobody can accuse me of
+being strait-laced, and therefore I suppose you think you can come here
+and set at defiance all the----it's disgraceful!
+
+_Lucas._ Would you mind telling me what you're hinting at?
+
+_Matt._ I'm not hinting! I'm going to speak out very plainly, and I tell
+you that I look upon your conduct as something atrocious!
+
+_Lucas._ I say, Uncle, what's all this about?
+
+_Matt._ What's it about? What's it about? It's about the dairy windows!
+
+_Lucas._ Then it was you--phew!--so it was you?
+
+_Matt._ Well, after the dairy windows, can you stand there and tell me
+you aren't thoroughly, completely, heartily ashamed of yourself?
+
+_Lucas._ Well, I suppose I am. But, after all, it wasn't so very bad----
+
+_Matt._ Not bad?!
+
+_Lucas._ Well, not so d--ee--d awful.
+
+_Matt._ [_Regards him for a few moments._] Well, I'm astonished! If you
+don't consider your behaviour d--ee--d awful, will you please find me
+some word that will describe it?
+
+_Lucas._ You know you're putting a much worse construction on this than
+the necessities of the case demand.
+
+_Matt._ What?!
+
+_Lucas._ I've nothing to reproach myself with. Mrs. Biggs wasn't out of
+the dairy three minutes, and you were hanging about the windows all the
+time.
+
+_Matt._ I was hanging about the windows?
+
+_Lucas._ Yes, and I must say that when you saw two people engaged in an
+interesting conversation the least you could do was to pass on and take
+no notice.
+
+_Matt._ "Interesting conversation"?!
+
+_Lucas._ Well, what did you call it? If it comes to that, what do you
+accuse me of?
+
+_Matt._ Well, here you are, on the first day of the year, after
+listening to a most eloquent sermon, after making a solemn resolution to
+give up all your bad habits----
+
+_Lucas._ Excuse me, I expressly stated that I didn't mean to give up
+_all_ my bad habits. And I don't call this a bad habit.
+
+_Matt._ You don't call making love to a married woman a bad habit?!
+
+_Lucas._ Of course in one sense it is a bad habit. But it isn't a bad
+habit in the sense that other bad habits are bad habits. Look at all the
+decent chaps who've been led into it!
+
+_Matt._ That doesn't excuse you. And if you think that I'm going to
+countenance your conduct, you are very much mistaken in your estimate of
+my character.
+
+_Lucas._ [_Very quietly._] May I ask you one simple question?
+
+_Matt._ Well?
+
+_Lucas._ When you were my age, if you found yourself alone in a dairy
+with a good-looking woman, and she was good for a dozen kisses or so,
+wouldn't you have taken advantage of it?
+
+_Matt._ No!
+
+_Lucas._ Not at my age?
+
+_Matt._ No--no----
+
+_Lucas._ Well, what would you have done?
+
+_Matt._ I should have summoned all my resolution----
+
+_Lucas._ Oh, that be hanged! Come, Uncle, no humbug! Man to man!
+
+_Matt._ Well, I don't say that at your age I might not have been
+tempted--and of course we must all go through a certain amount of
+experience, or how should we be able to advise you youngsters?
+
+_Lucas._ I say, no confounded nonsense--your uncle Archie----
+
+_Matt._ Dear old chap!
+
+_Lucas._ What use did you make of his advice?
+
+_Matt._ Well, I remember his talking to me very seriously--I suppose I
+was about your age--did I ever tell you, Lucas, [_taking_ LUCAS'S _arm
+affectionately_] about a very remarkable auburn-haired girl, Madge
+Seaforth?
+
+_Lucas._ No.
+
+_Matt._ And my racing her across Salisbury Plain at night?
+
+_Lucas._ No.
+
+_Matt._ Forty-eight miles one glorious May night! I let her beat me! God
+bless her! I let her beat me! And just as the sun rose we caught sight
+of Salisbury spire.
+
+_Lucas._ Sounds rather jolly!
+
+_Matt._ Jolly? And the bacon and eggs we got through for breakfast!
+Jolly? It was romance! It was poetry! Ah! Lu, my boy, you may say what
+you like, there's nothing like it on this side heaven. I told you about
+Mrs. Satterwaite dressing up as a widow and selling her husband?
+
+_Lucas._ No?
+
+_Matt._ Well, I bet the little hussy a fiver. Oh, Satterwaite richly
+deserved all he got--I can see Satterwaite's face now, and hers, as she
+stepped out of the cupboard, with the wickedest twinkle in the wickedest
+black eye! Ho! Ho! Heigho! Sad! Sad!! Sad!!!--Sad! Sad!! Sad!!! Come,
+come, Lucas! This won't do! This will never do! Now to get back to this
+business of yours----
+
+_Lucas._ Well----
+
+_Matt._ When I was your guardian I let you have a pretty good fling?
+
+_Lucas._ You did!
+
+_Matt._ The pace was rather scorching?
+
+_Lucas._ Rather!
+
+_Matt._ I never pulled you up?
+
+_Lucas._ No, and I'm grateful.
+
+     [_Shaking hands very cordially._
+
+_Matt._ That's all right. Now, old chap, you've got to pull up!
+
+_Lucas._ Pull up?
+
+_Matt._ Short. This Mrs. Sturgess--Dolly says there's a lot of nonsense
+going on, gushing letters and so on,--damned silly thing writing
+letters, Lu----
+
+_Lucas._ Yes, I know.
+
+_Matt._ Well, what do you do it for?
+
+_Lucas._ I don't know.
+
+_Matt._ You're seeing her every day. If you must carry on this
+tomfoolery, why not do it by word of mouth? Why write it down, to show
+what an ass you've been?
+
+_Lucas._ I'm sure I don't know.
+
+_Matt._ Do you know why you're carrying on with her at all?
+
+_Lucas._ Well, naturally a chap--naturally----
+
+_Matt._ You're either in love with her, or you aren't?
+
+_Lucas._ I can't say I'm exactly in love with her----
+
+_Matt._ Then why are you making love to her?
+
+_Lucas._ Well, she's a jolly good-looking woman, and naturally a
+chap--naturally--I don't know that I ain't a bit in love with her.
+
+_Matt._ Well, it doesn't much matter. If you aren't in love with her
+you're a fool to risk a scandal. If you are in love you'll most likely
+do some silly jackass thing that will knock your career on the head, eh?
+
+_Lucas._ Well, when you look at it that way----
+
+_Matt._ Look at it that way! Anyhow, she's a married woman, and you're
+here as a guest--it isn't the right thing to do, is it?
+
+_Lucas._ No, it isn't.
+
+_Matt._ Very well, then, don't do it. Don't do it! Cut it! You will?
+
+_Lucas._ I've got to, I suppose.
+
+_Matt._ Yes, you've got to. You can tell Doll I gave it to you hot and
+strong, and you're going to clear out, and not see Mrs. Sturgess
+again----
+
+_Lucas._ Not see her again?
+
+_Matt._ Isn't that what you mean to do?
+
+_Lucas._ Yes, I suppose. I say, what did you see at the dairy windows?
+
+_Matt._ I didn't see anything at all!
+
+_Lucas._ Nothing at all?
+
+_Matt._ I wasn't there!
+
+_Lucas._ Then how----?
+
+_Matt._ Dolly put me up to it.      [_Laughs at him._
+
+_Lucas._ Dolly?
+
+     DOLLY _enters with a cloak which she throws on sofa._
+
+_Matt._ Ah, Doll----
+
+_Dolly._ [_Looking severely at_ LUCAS.] Have you spoken to him?
+
+_Matt._ Yes, very seriously, extra seriously, and he's going to do the
+right thing and clear out, aren't you, Lucas?
+
+_Lucas._ [_A little unwillingly._] Yes.
+
+_Matt._ [_Clapping him on the shoulder._] Good chap! Good chap!
+
+_Dolly._ [_Still a little severe._] I'm pleased to hear it. [_To_
+LUCAS.] You've behaved in a most scandalous----
+
+_Matt._ He has. I've told him all that. [_Winks at_ DOLLY _to keep her
+quiet._] And he sees it quite plainly, don't you?
+
+     [_Winks at_ LUCAS _to prompt him._
+
+_Dolly._ Then it's quite broken off?
+
+_Matt._ Quite! Isn't it, Lu?
+
+_Lucas._ Yes, I suppose. I should like to say----
+
+_Dolly._ Yes?
+
+_Lucas._ That nothing has taken place which, if rightly looked at, could
+reflect discredit either upon the lady, or, I hope, upon myself. And
+secondly, whatever fault there may have been, is entirely mine.
+
+_Matt._ That's satisfactory! It always ought to be the man's fault.
+Heaven forbid it should ever be theirs. Good chap! Good chap! [_Patting
+him._] Dolly, he's behaving splendidly. Now, Lu, good-night.
+
+     [DOLLY _rings bell._
+
+_Lucas._ [_Surprised._] Good-night?!
+
+_Dolly._ Good-night, and good-bye! [_Holding out her hand._
+
+_Lucas._ You aren't going to turn me out to-night!
+
+_Dolly._ You said it was quite broken off.
+
+_Lucas._ Yes, but---- [_turns to_ MATT _with appealing gesture._] Uncle,
+you didn't mean to pack me off like this----
+
+_Matt._ Yes, my boy! Remember the occasion. First day of the New Year.
+Take time by the forelock. Off you go!
+
+     [_Taking him by the shoulder and trying to get him off._
+
+_Lucas._ [_Resisting._] Oh no! I don't see it in that light at all.
+
+     [_Sinks comfortably into arm-chair._
+
+     CRIDDLE _appears at door._
+
+_Dolly._ Criddle, please have Captain Wentworth's portmanteau taken to
+the billiard-room.
+
+_Criddle._ Yes, ma'am.
+
+_Dolly._ He wishes to change there, and please send to the Red Lion and
+ask them to have Captain Wentworth's horse saddled.
+
+_Criddle._ Yes, ma'am.      [_Going._
+
+_Lucas._ Criddle, what's the weather like?
+
+_Criddle._ It's a bit colder, sir. Looks as if we were going to have
+another heavy fall of snow.
+
+_Lucas._ I don't think I'll go to-night, Criddle. If I want the gee
+saddled, I'll go and tell them myself.
+
+_Criddle._ Yes, sir.      [_Exit._
+
+_Lucas._ [_In arm-chair._] I say, Dolly, you don't really expect me to
+go careering over that heath at this ungodly hour?
+
+_Dolly._ You can't stay here. Renie is very much upset; she has had
+hysterics. So I've put her in the spare room.
+
+_Lucas._ Well, you can give me a shake-down somewhere--in the
+billiard-room.
+
+_Dolly._ [_Shakes her head._] I can't ask the servants to make up
+impossible beds in impossible places at this ungodly hour.
+
+_Lucas._ I call this beastly unfair of you, Doll.
+
+_Dolly._ Unfair?
+
+_Lucas._ Just as I'd summoned up all my resolution to do the right
+thing, and avoid ructions for your sake, you pounce down on me, and
+order me off the premises, and----
+
+_Dolly._ [_Getting angry._] If you don't behave yourself and go off
+quietly, I shall have to order you off the premises.
+
+     [_Makes an appeal by gesture to_ MATT _to get him off._
+
+_Matt._ Now, my hero! [_Lifting him out of the arm-chair._] Buckle on
+your armor! Sally forth! Once more unto the breach!
+
+     [_With some difficulty he raises_ LUCAS _out of the chair._
+
+_Lucas._ Well, I'll go and have a look at the weather. [_Goes sulkily up
+to door._] Mind you, if you turn me out I won't be responsible if
+there's a flare up----
+
+_Dolly._ Very well, so long as we don't have a flare-up here. Oh!
+
+     [_Rings the bell again._
+
+_Lucas._ [_Goes off, sulky, muttering._] Of all the--turning me
+out--beastly infernal nuisance!
+
+     [_Exit grumbling, leaving door open._
+
+_Dolly._ It would serve them both right if there was to be a
+flare-up--only I'm sure she'd drag me into it somehow. [CRIDDLE _appears
+at door._] Please send and ask them at the Red Lion to saddle Captain
+Wentworth's horse and send it here at once.
+
+_Criddle._ Yes, ma'am.      [_Exit._
+
+_Dolly._ Lucas is going to behave as badly over this as he did over the
+governess. Dad----!
+
+_Matt._ Well?
+
+_Dolly._ Of course, Lucas is in the army, but surely he--he isn't a fair
+sample?
+
+_Matt._ Oh no, oh no! Lucas is very exceptional--quite exceptional.
+
+_Dolly._ I thought so! They can't all be----
+
+_Matt._ Oh no! I'm glad to say----
+
+_Dolly._ I'm determined he shall go to-night.
+
+     LUCAS _re-enters._
+
+_Lucas._ I say, Dolly, I wish you'd come and look at the weather.
+
+_Dolly._ What for?
+
+_Lucas._ There's a great black cloud--it's going to come down!
+
+_Dolly._ [_Enraged._] I don't care if the heavens come down! You're
+going back to Aldershot to-night.
+
+_Lucas._ But I tell you---- [_Appeals to_ MATT.] It's simply impossible
+for me to ride across that heath----
+
+_Matt._ But you rode across it last night in a howling snowstorm----
+
+_Lucas._ Yes, I did! Last night! And never again, thank you! No! I don't
+mind shaking down anywhere to oblige----
+
+     [_He is about to drop again into the arm-chair, but_ MATT _gently
+     pushes him aside and drops into the chair himself._
+
+_Lucas._ [_Going to sofa._] Anywhere to oblige!
+
+     [_Drops comfortably on to sofa._
+
+_Dolly._ [_Comes up to him finally._] Lucas, this is abominable! I
+suppose you think because we treated you so leniently over that wretched
+governess----
+
+_Lucas._ Well, I thought you were pretty deuced hard down on us----
+
+_Dolly._ What?! Oh!      [_Appeals to_ MATT.
+
+_Lucas._ I didn't mind your slanging me, but you might have had a little
+consideration for her feelings, because, after all, she was one of your
+own sex!
+
+_Dolly._ My own sex! The minx!
+
+_Lucas._ And an orphan!
+
+_Dolly._ Orphan! [_To_ MATT.] Go and speak to him! Go and speak to him!
+
+     [MATT _rises and goes to_ LUCAS. DOLLY _sits down in despair._
+
+_Matt._ Come, Lu. You're not playing the game! You promised to take
+yourself off.
+
+_Lucas._ [_Comfortably seated._] Well, I will take myself off, only let
+me take myself off in my own way.
+
+_Dolly._ It's useless your staying! Renie won't see you again.
+
+_Lucas._ Won't she?
+
+_Dolly._ No. She gave me a last message for you----
+
+_Lucas._ Did she? Why didn't you give it to me?
+
+_Dolly._ If I tell you, will you take yourself off?
+
+_Lucas._ Yes, of course. What was her last message?
+
+_Dolly._ She said "She should always value your noble devotion, and be
+proud that she had known you; but you must see how hopeless it was, and
+that she trusted you would go away at once and leave her to respect you,
+as you had always respected her!"
+
+_Matt._ A very pretty, touching little adieu! Does her great credit.
+Now, Lu! Cut it! Come, my boy!
+
+     [_Lifts him up off sofa._ LUCAS _gets up very reluctantly._
+
+_Lucas._ Well, if I must go--good-night!
+
+_Matt._ Good-night. [_Shaking hands._] I may see you to-morrow
+afternoon.
+
+_Lucas._ Where?
+
+_Matt._ I'm driving over to Aldershot to see Sir John. I shall look you
+up----
+
+_Lucas._ I may not be there in the afternoon----
+
+_Dolly._ Lucas, you're coming over here----
+
+_Lucas._ No--no; I'm not. You shouldn't suspect me.
+
+_Dolly._ It won't be the least use your coming----
+
+_Lucas._ I know that. Well, good-bye, Doll----
+
+_Dolly._ Good-bye.      [_Shaking hands._
+
+_Lucas._ [_Is going up to door slowly and reluctantly, turns._] I
+suppose if I were to give you my solemn promise I wouldn't see her, I
+couldn't shake down on that sofa.
+
+_Dolly._ [_Sternly and decisively._] No!
+
+_Lucas._ [_Goes a few more steps towards door, turns._] I suppose I
+couldn't see Mrs. Sturgess? [DOLLY _looks indignant._] Only to say
+good-bye.
+
+_Dolly._ No! She was nearly undressed when I left her. She's asleep by
+now!
+
+     _Enter_ RENIE _fully dressed, looking very interesting and tearful.
+     Throughout the scene she preserves the air of a martyr._
+
+_Dolly._ [_Indignantly._] Renie, you promised me you wouldn't come
+downstairs again!
+
+_Renie._ Yes, dear, but I felt I couldn't rest under your
+father's unjust suspicion. [_Goes up to_ MATT, _seizes his hand
+sympathetically._] Dolly tells me you have been watching the friendship
+that all unconsciously has sprung up between Captain Wentworth and
+myself----
+
+_Matt._ [_Uncomfortable._] Not exactly watching----
+
+_Renie._ I feel you may have seen, or guessed something, that has given
+you a wrong impression.
+
+_Matt._ No, no! I assure you----
+
+_Renie._ If you have, I beg you to speak out and give us a chance of
+defending ourselves. Tell us exactly what you have seen, and what you
+suspect----
+
+_Matt._ My dear Mrs. Sturgess, I haven't seen anything, and I don't
+suspect anything.
+
+_Renie._ You really mean that?
+
+_Matt._ Yes--yes----
+
+_Renie._ [_Clasping his hand eagerly._] Thank you so much. Friendship
+between a man and a woman is _so_ misunderstood.
+
+_Matt._ It is.
+
+_Dolly._ Yes, Lucas had a friendship with a governess here which we all
+misunderstood--till afterwards.
+
+_Lucas._ I say, Dolly, don't you----
+
+_Renie._ Now that there is no chance of your misjudging our friendship,
+I don't mind saying---- [_Shows signs of breaking down._] You won't
+misunderstand me?      [_Clinging to his hand._
+
+_Matt._ No, no!
+
+_Renie._ My life has not been altogether a happy one.
+
+_Matt._ I'm sure it hasn't!
+
+_Renie._ Under other circumstances--let that pass! [_Wrings_ MATT'S
+_hands._] Thank you, thank you! [_Goes to_ LUCAS.] Captain Wentworth, I
+shall always be proud to have known you.
+
+_Dolly._ I've told him all that!
+
+     [MATT _hushes_ DOLLY _with a gesture._
+
+_Renie._ I shall always cherish the memory of our friendship, but it
+might be misunderstood, and so [_breaking down, but bearing up with an
+effort_], you will behave like the gallant gentleman I know you to be,
+and say good-bye to me for ever!
+
+_Matt._ Nobly spoken! Very nobly spoken indeed!
+
+_Lucas._ Well, if you insist----
+
+_Renie._ I do! Good-bye for ever!
+
+_Lucas._ Good-bye.      [_They have a long hand-shake._
+
+_Renie._ Good-bye.
+
+     [_Tears herself away from him and tragically throws herself on
+     sofa._ LUCAS _follows her up._
+
+_Lucas._ I say, Mrs. Sturgess----
+
+_Renie._ [_Face buried in hands, moans out._] Go, go! In pity's name
+don't make it harder for me!
+
+_Matt._ In pity's name don't make it harder for her.
+
+_Dolly._ [_Looking off at door._] They'll be coming out of the
+billiard-room directly.
+
+_Matt._ Now, Lucas----
+
+     CRIDDLE _appears at door._
+
+_Criddle._ Your horse is waiting for you, sir.
+
+_Lucas._ My horse?!
+
+_Criddle._ Yes, sir, just outside.
+
+_Lucas._ What on earth do they mean? A valuable horse like that--just
+clipped--standing about on a night like this--who told them?
+
+_Dolly._ I did. The horse is waiting to take you back to Aldershot.
+
+_Lucas._ I can't go back to Aldershot in this kit. [_Pointing to his
+dress-clothes._] Tell them to take it back to the Red Lion!
+
+_Dolly._ And Criddle, give the man Captain Wentworth's portmanteau to
+take to the Red Lion at the same time.
+
+_Criddle._ Yes, ma'am.      [_Exit._
+
+_Lucas._ [_Grumbling._] Well, of all----Good-bye, Mrs. Sturgess.
+
+_Dolly._ You've said good-bye----
+
+_Renie._ [_Still tragic on sofa._] Farewell--for ever!
+
+_Lucas._ Good-night, Dolly!
+
+_Dolly._ Farewell--for a good long time.      [_Shaking hands._
+
+_Lucas._ Good-night, Uncle.
+
+_Matt._ Good-night, Lucas.      [_Shaking hands._
+
+_Lucas._ [_Turns at door._] Happen to have your cigar-case handy?
+
+     [MATT _takes out cigar-case, offers it._
+
+_Lucas._ Could you spare two?
+
+_Matt._ Certainly!
+
+_Lucas._ I've got a jolly long ride, I'll take three if you don't mind.
+
+_Matt._ Do!
+
+_Lucas._ Thank'ee. Well, good-night, everybody.
+
+     [MATT _gets_ LUCAS _off, closes door after him._
+
+_Renie._ [_Rouses herself from sofa._] Has he gone? Is it all over?
+
+_Dolly._ I hope so.     [_Goes and rings bell twice._
+
+_Renie._ [_Goes to_ MATT _impulsively--and seizes his hand._] At least
+this bitter experience has gained me one true friend.
+
+_Matt._ [_Embarrassed._] Yes----
+
+_Renie._ [_Wrings his hand in gratitude._] Thank you so much----
+
+     [_He gets away from her and shows relief; takes out cigar and
+     prepares to light it._
+
+_Renie._ [_Standing in the middle of the room, pitying herself._] That's
+where we get the worst of it, we women who have hearts! We must feel, we
+must show our feelings, and then we get trampled down in the fight. Oh,
+Dolly, how I envy you your nature!
+
+_Dolly._ [_Very chilly._] Are you going into the spare room, dear?
+
+_Renie._ Anywhere! Anywhere! Yes, the spare room!
+
+     PETERS, DOLLY'S _maid, appears at door._
+
+_Dolly._ Peters, will you bank up the fire in the spare room and make
+everything comfortable for Mrs. Sturgess?
+
+_Peters._ Yes, ma'am.      [_Exit._
+
+_Renie._ [_Still in the middle of the room, pitying herself._] So my
+poor little tragedy is ended!      [_To_ MATT.
+
+_Matt._ Yes. Well, let's be thankful no bones are broken!
+
+_Renie._ No bones, but how about hearts? Well, I must bear it. [_With a
+weary smile._] Mustn't I?
+
+_Matt._ I'm afraid you must.
+
+_Renie._ Good-night! [_Wrings his hand with gratitude._] Good-night!
+
+_Matt._ Good-night.
+
+     [_Gets away from her, and busies himself with his cigar, lights
+     it._
+
+_Renie._ Good-night, Dolly!
+
+_Dolly._ I'll come up with you, and stay till you're quite comfortable.
+
+_Renie._ Shall I ever be comfortable again? Will things ever be the
+same? I wonder!
+
+     [_Goes off mournfully and tragically at back with a prolonged
+     sigh._ MATT _has seated himself on sofa and taken up paper._
+
+_Dolly._ [_Calls his attention to_ RENIE'S _exit and makes a furious
+gesture after her._] I know she'll be here next Christmas! [_Marches
+down enraged to_ MATT _and repeats in an angry, aggrieved way,
+emphasizing each word._] I know that woman will be here next
+Christmas!
+
+_Matt._ [_Seated comfortably with his cigar and paper_] I daresay she
+will----
+
+     [DOLLY _marches indignantly and decisively to door and exit._
+
+
+CURTAIN.
+
+
+
+
+(_Half an hour passes between Acts II and III._)
+
+ACT III.
+
+
+SCENE: _The same. Discover_ MATT _in the same seat and attitude, with
+paper and cigar._ DOLLY _enters._
+
+_Matt._ Well??
+
+_Dolly._ I've had an awful time with her----
+
+_Matt._ How?
+
+_Dolly._ [_Seated._] First she had another fit of hysterics--then she
+longed to go out into the night air to cool her fevered brow--then she
+moaned out something about her noble Lucas----
+
+_Matt._ And now?
+
+_Dolly._ I've persuaded her to let Peters undress her. I've got her off
+my hands at last.
+
+_Matt._ That's a comfort.
+
+_Dolly._ Dad!
+
+_Matt._ Yes.
+
+_Dolly._ I won't have her here next Christmas.
+
+_Matt._ No, I wouldn't.
+
+_Dolly._ [_Repeats in a slow, aggrieved, enraged way, emphasizing each
+syllable._] Whatever happens, I will not have that woman in my house
+next Christmas. You hear that?
+
+_Matt._ Yes. You won't have her here next Christmas!
+
+_Dolly._ I mean it, this time. And I won't have Lucas here again for a
+very long time.
+
+_Matt._ I wouldn't.
+
+_Dolly._ [_Seated beside him._] Dad, please put away that paper. You're
+going over to Aldershot to-morrow to try to get Lucas exchanged?
+
+_Matt._ I'll try.
+
+_Dolly._ Where can you get him sent?
+
+_Matt._ Gibraltar--India--South Africa--according as an appointment
+happens to be vacant.
+
+_Dolly._ The further the better, and the longer.
+
+     PETERS _appears at door._
+
+_Dolly._ Well, Peters, have you made Mrs. Sturgess comfortable?
+
+_Peters._ I'm trying to, ma'am.
+
+_Dolly._ Is she in bed yet?
+
+_Peters._ No, ma'am.
+
+_Dolly._ Not in bed!
+
+_Peters._ No, ma'am, but she seems rather quieter.
+
+_Dolly._ She let you undress her, I suppose?
+
+_Peters._ I'm just going to, ma'am. She says her brain is still
+throbbing.
+
+_Dolly._ Throbbing!
+
+_Peters._ And could you lend her your hop-pillow?
+
+_Dolly._ You'll find it in my wardrobe.
+
+_Peters._ Yes, ma'am.
+
+_Dolly._ Peters, pat up the hop-pillow for her, and insist on undressing
+her----
+
+_Peters._ Yes, ma'am.      [_Going._
+
+_Dolly._ Don't leave her till you've seen her comfortably in bed.
+
+_Peters._ No, ma'am.
+
+     [_Exit. A gust of wind and a little rattle of hail on the
+     conservatory window._
+
+_Matt._ Whew! The New Year means business!
+
+_Dolly._ And so do I, as Lucas will find out.
+
+_Matt._ He is finding it out, on that heath!
+
+_Dolly._ Yes! [_With a little laugh._] Ha! ha! [_A louder gust and
+rattle of hail._] Listen! Listen! Ha! And he might have been here
+playing a comfortable rubber by the fire--if he'd simply behaved
+himself!
+
+_Matt._ If he'd "simply behaved" himself! What we all miss through not
+"simply behaving" ourselves.
+
+     [_Another gust._
+
+_Dolly._ [_Laughs._] Ah! He's catching it! I shall insist on Renie
+driving out with me to-morrow afternoon.
+
+_Matt._ Yes.
+
+_Dolly._ Then she can't meet Lucas. That will be another sell for
+him--[_Another furious gust and rattle._] Listen! Ha! ha! I wonder how
+far Lucas has got!
+
+     [_A noise of something being knocked over in the conservatory,
+     which is lighted._
+
+_Matt._ [_Goes to the conservatory door, looks in; is startled._] Hillo!
+hillo! What?!
+
+     LUCAS _enters from the upper conservatory door in riding-clothes of
+     first Act._
+
+_Dolly._ [_Enraged._] Lucas! [_More enraged._] Lucas! How dare you?!
+
+_Lucas._ It's all right--don't make a fuss!
+
+_Dolly._ [_Furious._] Why aren't you on the way to Aldershot?
+
+_Lucas._ I didn't like the look of the weather! I didn't like the look
+of it at all! So I got them to give me a shake-down at the Red Lion----
+
+_Dolly._ [_Indignantly._] Shake-down at the Red Lion!
+
+_Lucas._ Yes, on their sofa! You needn't look so black! I asked you
+first, to let me have a shake-down here--on that sofa----
+
+_Dolly._ But why have you come back here?
+
+_Lucas._ Well, I must have dropped those cigars uncle Matt gave me. I
+put them carefully in my side pocket, and when I got down to the Red
+Lion, lo and behold, they weren't there!
+
+_Dolly._ You could have got a cigar at the Red Lion----
+
+_Lucas._ [_Turns to_ MATT _for sympathy._] I could have got a cigar at
+the Red Lion! [_To_ DOLLY.] No, thank you! So I thought I'd just stroll
+up here in the hope----
+
+_Dolly._ In the hope of seeing Mrs. Sturgess! But she's safely in bed
+this time, and there's no possible chance of your seeing her.
+
+_Lucas._ In the hope of getting Harry to give me a decent smoke. Well, I
+came into the Hall and not wishing to rile you by my hated presence--I
+slipped into the conservatory----
+
+     _Enter_ HARRY.
+
+_Harry._ [_Surprised at the riding-clothes._] Hillo, Lu, going back to
+Aldershot to-night?
+
+_Lucas._ No, not unless the weather takes a turn. No, Dolly said that as
+the spare room was occupied, would I mind getting a shake-down at the
+Red Lion. So I did, and as I've got nothing to smoke, may I cadge a
+cigar?
+
+_Harry._ Yes, old fellow.      [_Taking out cigar-case._
+
+_Dolly._ [_Intercepting._] You said I should take charge of your cigars,
+in case you should be tempted to smoke more than two a day----
+
+_Harry._ By Jove, I forgot all about two per diem--I've been smoking all
+day. Here, Lu! [_About to throw cigar-case to_ LUCAS.] You'd better take
+the lot and keep me out of temptation!
+
+_Dolly._ No! I'll take charge of that, please.
+
+     [_Takes the cigar-case, looks angrily at_ LUCAS, _goes to
+     writing-desk, puts it in._
+
+     PETERS _appears at door._
+
+_Peters._ I beg pardon, ma'am, Mrs. Sturgess----
+
+_Dolly._ What about her?
+
+_Peters._ When I got back with the hop-pillow she wasn't there. I've
+looked all over the house, and I can't find her anywhere. [_Glancing
+off into the conservatory._] Oh, there she is!
+
+     RENIE _enters, fully dressed from conservatory, very languidly,
+     with handkerchief and smelling-salts._ PETERS _goes off._
+
+_Dolly._ Renie!
+
+     [_Looks at_ MATT, _who is inclined to laugh, checks it, shrugs his
+     shoulders and goes over to fire._
+
+_Renie._ My head was racking, I had to rush out--I've been pacing up and
+down under the veranda, up and down, up and down, up and down--[DOLLY
+_makes a little grimace of angry incredulity_] it's a little easier now,
+so I'll take advantage of the lull, and try to get some sleep.
+
+_Dolly._ Yes, I would.
+
+_Renie._ Good-night, dear.
+
+_Dolly._ [_Severely._] Good-night once more.
+
+_Renie._ Good-night, Mr. Telfer.      [_Offering hand._
+
+_Harry._ Good-night, I'm awfully sorry----
+
+_Renie._ [_With her weary smile._] Oh, it's only a headache. I can bear
+it. Thank you for your sympathy. [_Wringing his hand in fervent
+gratitude._] Good-night, Mr. Barron.
+
+_Matt._ Good-night. I hope we sha'n't have any more little tragedies,
+eh?
+
+_Renie._ [_Very fervently._] I hope not, oh, I hope not! [_To_ LUCAS
+_very casually and distantly._] Good-night, Captain Wentworth.
+
+_Lucas._ [_Same tone._] Good-night, Mrs. Sturgess.
+
+     [_Exit_ RENIE. PETERS _is seen to join her in the hall. A little
+     pause._
+
+_Lucas._ Well, I'll be toddling back to the Red Lion. Good-night, Dolly.
+[DOLLY _looks at him, furious, turns away._ HARRY _looks a little
+surprised._] Good-night, Harry.
+
+_Harry_. Good-night, Lu. Seems a pity for you to turn out on a night
+like this. Dolly, can't we give him a shake-down----?
+
+_Dolly._ No!
+
+     [HARRY _shows surprise at her tone. A little pause of
+     embarrassment._
+
+_Lucas._ Good-night, Uncle Matt.
+
+_Matt._ [_Comes up to him, in a low voice._] Cut it, my dear lad. Cut
+it! That's understood?
+
+_Lucas._ Yes, of course. Well, good-night, Dolly, once more. [_She
+doesn't reply._] Oh well, if you're going on the rampage--[_Goes off
+muttering._] Infernal nuisance--night like this----      [_Exit._
+
+_Harry._ Is anything the matter?
+
+_Dolly._ Lucas has offended me very much. I don't wish to speak of it.
+
+     _The_ PROFESSOR _enters at back._
+
+_Matt._ Well, who was the victor?
+
+_Harry._ The Professor won all four games.
+
+_Prof._ I ascribe the increased accuracy of my stroke at billiards to my
+increased nerve force, now I have made Pableine my staple article of
+diet in place of meat.
+
+_Matt._ Flies to the gray matter, eh?
+
+_Prof._ Instantaneously.
+
+_Matt._ Good stuff!
+
+_Prof._ I hope you'll try it. Shall I send a tin to your room?
+
+_Matt._ Will you? That will be kind!
+
+     CRIDDLE _appears at door._
+
+_Criddle._ I've put the spirits in the hall, sir.
+
+_Harry._ You can take them away, Criddle. In the future we shall not
+require spirits at night, only soda water and tea.
+
+_Criddle._ Yes, sir. [_Exit._
+
+_Dolly._ [_Who has been sitting wearily on sofa, rises._] Well, I'm
+going to bed.
+
+_Harry._ You forget, dear.
+
+_Dolly._ What? [HARRY _taps the writing-desk._] Oh, my dear Harry, we
+won't go into them to-night.
+
+_Harry._ Yes, my dear, if you please. [_Very firmly._ DOLLY _makes an
+impatient gesture and pouts._] Please don't look like that. If I'm to
+help you in paying off these bills, it must be to-night, or not at all.
+
+_Dolly._ Oh, very well, but----      [_Sits down wearily._
+
+_Prof._ [_Taking out watch._] Five minutes past my usual hour.
+
+_Dolly._ Renie has one of her bad headaches, so I've put her in the
+spare room.
+
+_Prof._ Thank you. I'm afraid she's a little wilful. I can never get her
+to see that life can yield us no real satisfaction unless we regulate
+all our actions to the most minute point. Good-night.
+
+_Dolly._ Good-night.      [_Shaking hands._
+
+_Prof._ Good-night, Telfer.
+
+_Harry._ Good-night.      [_Shaking hands._
+
+_Matt._ Good-night, Harry.
+
+_Harry._ Good-night, Dad.      [_Shaking hands._
+
+_Matt._ [_To_ DOLLY.] Night-night, dear.
+
+_Dolly._ Night-night, Dad.      [_Kissing him._
+
+_Prof._ [_Has been waiting at door._] I might perhaps show you the
+precise way of mixing the Pableine.
+
+_Matt._ That would be kind! What's the dose?
+
+_Prof._ Two teaspoonfuls. On certain occasions I have taken as much as
+four tablespoonfuls.
+
+_Matt._ Wasn't that rather--going it?
+
+_Prof._ No. It's quite tasteless, except for a very slight beany
+flavor.
+
+_Matt._ Sounds just the thing for a New Year's drink, to brace up good
+resolutions. Come along! I'll have a regular night-cap of it.
+
+     [_Exeunt_ MATT _and_ PROFESSOR.
+
+_Harry._ Now we can have our cosy half hour.
+
+_Dolly._ Ye-es. I've had an awful evening with Lucas. Don't you
+think----?
+
+_Harry._ No, my darling. You put it off after tea----
+
+_Dolly._ But our heads will be so much clearer in the morning----
+
+_Harry._ [_Very solemnly and severely._] My darling, remember what
+Pilcher said about procrastination. And remember our resolutions last
+night. If we break them on the first night of the year, where shall we
+be on the thirty-first of December?
+
+_Dolly._ I'm horribly fagged.
+
+_Harry._ Conquer it! Think how delightful it will be to put your head on
+the pillow to-night, without a single anxiety, without a single
+thought----
+
+_Dolly._ Except my gratitude to you!
+
+_Harry._ Come, dear, no time like the present!
+
+_Dolly._ [_Jumps up very briskly._] No time like the present! [_Looking
+at him with great admiration._] Oh, Harry, what a dear, kind, good
+husband you've always been to me!
+
+_Harry._ Have I, my darling? [_Modestly._] I've done my best----
+
+_Dolly._ How I must have tried you!
+
+_Harry._ No, dear--at least a little sometimes.
+
+_Dolly._ When I think what patience you've had with me, and never
+reproached me----
+
+_Harry._ Well, not often. We've had our little tiffs--That day at
+Goodwood--eh?
+
+_Dolly._ Don't speak of it! I was to blame----
+
+_Harry._ No, dear, I can't let you accuse yourself. I was quite in the
+wrong.
+
+_Dolly._ No, dear, it was my fault entirely!
+
+_Harry._ Well, we won't quarrel about that. Now these bills----
+
+_Dolly._ And what good pals we've been!
+
+_Harry._ And always shall be.      [_Kissing her._
+
+_Dolly._ [_Hugging him._] Oh, you dear!
+
+_Harry._ Now, business, business!
+
+_Dolly._ [_Going up to writing-desk._] What a lucky woman I am!
+
+_Harry._ [_Seated at table._] Bring them all.
+
+_Dolly._ [_Has opened desk and taken up some bills--she looks round
+dubiously at_ HARRY.] What a splendid thing it must be to be a husband
+and have it in your power to make your wife _adore_ you, by simply
+paying a few bills.
+
+_Harry._ Yes--bring them all. [_She comes down with a bundle of about
+fifteen, hands them to him._] Is this all?
+
+_Dolly._ All, of any importance.
+
+_Harry._ I want to see them all.
+
+_Dolly._ So you shall, but we'll go through these first, because
+[_lamely_] if you want to ask any questions we can settle them on the
+spot, can't we?
+
+_Harry._ [_Reading from the bill._] Maison Recamier, Court and artistic
+millinery. By Jove!      [_Looks up._
+
+_Dolly._ What!
+
+_Harry._ One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine--nine
+hats!
+
+_Dolly._ Different kinds of hats.
+
+_Harry._ Yedda straw hat, four guineas, ostrich feather ruffle, twelve
+pounds ten----
+
+_Dolly._ That was the one--you remember--when I came into the room you
+said, "Stay there! Just as you are! I must kiss you!"
+
+_Harry._ Yes, but twelve pounds ten--Moss green chip hat, four,
+fourteen, six. Heliotrope velvet toque----
+
+_Dolly._ That's the dear little toque you admire so much!
+
+_Harry._ Do I? Six guineas! Dear little toque! Hat in white Tegal with
+plumes of Nattier Bleu--fifteen guineas--Fifteen guineas?!
+
+_Dolly._ With plumes! Of Nattier Bleu!
+
+_Harry._ But fifteen guineas!
+
+_Dolly._ Oh, the woman's a fearful swindler! But what are you to do with
+such people?
+
+_Harry._ [_With bill._] Total, sixty-four, seven, six. And I get my one
+silk topper a year, at a guinea, and three and six for doing it up.
+Total for me, one, four, six. Total for you----
+
+_Dolly._ My dear Harry, don't make absurd comparisons!
+
+_Harry._ [_Takes another bill._] John Spearman, artistic gown maker,
+ball gowns, reception gowns, race gowns--Good heavens!
+
+_Dolly._ What's the matter?
+
+_Harry._ Total, five hundred and fifty-six pounds--that can't be right!
+
+_Dolly._ [_Frightened._] No, it can't be! Add it up!
+
+_Harry._ [_Reading._] Tea gown of chiffon taffeta--
+
+_Dolly._ The one I took to Folkestone, you remember?
+
+     [_With a little attempt at a kiss._
+
+_Harry._ [_Gently repulsing her._] No, I don't. [_She puts her arms
+round his neck; he gently pushes her aside._] Business first, please.
+[_Reads._] Gown of white cloth with Postillion coat of Rose du Barri
+silk, motifs of silver, forty-five guineas----
+
+_Dolly._ You won't grumble at that, for when I first put it on, you
+stood and looked at me and said, "I want to know how it is, Doll, that
+the moment a dress gets on to your shoulders, it seems to brisk up, and
+be as cocky and proud of itself----"
+
+     [_Again attempting to embrace him._
+
+_Harry._ [_Again repulsing her._] Yes, well now I do know! Jolly proud
+and cocky your dresses ought to feel at this price! [_Reads._] "Evening
+cloak of strawberry satin charmeuse, trimmed silk passementerie, motifs
+and fringed stoles of dull gold embroidery, thirty-five guineas." What's
+a motif?
+
+_Dolly._ It's a trimming--a lot of little touches--a sort
+of--a--a--a--[_making a little descriptive gesture_] a suggestion--a
+motif----
+
+_Harry._ And Mr. John Spearman's motif is that I should pay him five
+hundred and fifty-six pounds. Well, I don't like Mr. John Spearman's
+motifs, and I'm not going to fall in with them. [_Puts the bill on the
+table rather angrily, takes up another, reads._] "Artistic lingerie!" I
+wonder why all these people call themselves artists! "Underwear of
+daintiness and distinction."
+
+_Dolly._ Well, you've always praised----
+
+_Harry._ Yes. In future, I'm going to be very careful what articles of
+your dress I praise. "Three pairs of blue silk garters, forty-five
+shillings." [_She has settled herself in the armchair, looking a little
+sulky and obstinate, leaning back and pettishly swinging one leg over
+the other._] What have you got to say to that?
+
+_Dolly._ Garters are necessary.
+
+_Harry._ Yes, but why three? And why blue silk? Why don't you speak?
+
+_Dolly._ The garters can speak for themselves!
+
+_Harry._ Very well. Garters that can speak for themselves can pay for
+themselves! [_Dashes the bill on the table, takes up another. Reading._]
+Three bottles coeur de Janette--three bottles Souffle de
+Marguerite--fifteen pounds for scent--and I have to smoke sixpenny
+cigars! And sometimes only fourpenny!
+
+_Dolly._ Well, if you will smoke those horrid strong things you can't
+wonder I have to disinfect the house for you.
+
+_Harry._ Disinfect the house _for_ me! You'll very soon disinfect the
+house _of_ me! [_Glances through the remaining bills, groans, puts them
+on the table, and walks about in despair._ DOLLY _rises and is going
+off._] Where are you going?
+
+_Dolly._ To bed.
+
+_Harry._ [_Stopping her._] No! Now we've begun, we'll go through to the
+bitter end, if you please. I want you to explain----
+
+_Dolly._ My dear Harry, it will be quite useless for me to try to
+explain in your present state----
+
+_Harry._ [_Getting furious._] In my present state----
+
+_Dolly._ Dancing about the room and shouting!----
+
+_Harry._ I'm not shouting!
+
+_Dolly._ You're not shouting?!
+
+_Harry._ No, and if I am, isn't it enough to make a man shout when his
+wife----
+
+     MATT _appears at the door in his dressing-gown and slippers._
+
+_Matt._ Excuse my interrupting. But you know my room is just above this,
+and if you could manage to pitch your voices in rather a softer key----
+
+_Harry._ By Jove, I'd forgotten! We were getting a little noisy. I'm
+awfully sorry.
+
+_Matt._ Don't mention it! The Professor gave me rather a stiff go of his
+Pableine, and I fancy it hasn't agreed with me [_tapping his chest_] for
+I can't get a wink of sleep. Is there a spoonful of whiskey about?
+
+_Harry._ On the sideboard in the dining-room.
+
+_Matt._ Thankee. [_Tapping his chest._] Harry, when you get over fifty,
+don't change your nightcap, or any of your other bad habits.
+
+_Harry._ I won't. Now, Dolly----
+
+_Matt._ [_Anxiously._] You won't perhaps be very long now?
+
+_Dolly._ No, we'd nearly finished----
+
+_Matt._ Nothing serious, I hope?
+
+_Dolly._ Harry doesn't approve of my using scent.
+
+_Harry._ Not in pailfuls. Certainly not.
+
+_Dolly._ I had three small bottles----
+
+_Matt._ Montaigne says that the sweetest perfume a woman can have, is to
+have none at all.      [_Exit._
+
+_Harry._ Now, my darling, we shall best arrive at an understanding if we
+avoid all temper, and discuss it in a calm, business-like way.
+
+_Dolly._ [_A little frightened._] Ye-es----
+
+_Harry._ Very well then, bring up your chair, and let us go into it,
+figure by figure, item by item, and see how we stand.
+
+_Dolly._ Ye-es. [_Bringing a chair a little way._] Harry, you aren't
+going to be as business-like as all that?
+
+_Harry._ As all what?
+
+_Dolly._ I can't discuss it while you keep me at a distance! [_Suddenly
+rushes at him, seats herself on his knee, puts his arm round her waist,
+kisses him._] There! now I feel I can discuss it thoroughly.
+
+_Harry._ Very well [_kisses her_], so long as we do discuss it
+thoroughly.
+
+_Dolly._ I began to get quite frightened of you, Mr. Jobling.
+
+_Harry._ Jobling?
+
+_Dolly._ The man Mr. Pilcher had to get a money-box for, because he
+swore at his wife!
+
+_Harry._ Oh, yes.
+
+_Dolly._ You got so angry--and shouted----
+
+_Harry._ Well, there was no reason for that, especially as getting out
+of temper is _the_ one thing I'm quite resolved to conquer this New
+Year----
+
+_Dolly._ [_Kissing him._] Don't forget that!
+
+_Harry._ [_Kisses her._] Now, business, business! [_Takes up a bill._]
+What have we here? Carchet, gantier et bonnetier, artiste--Hillo, here's
+another artist! In stockings this time. [_Suddenly._] I say!
+
+_Dolly._ [_Frightened._] Eh?
+
+_Harry._ [_Points to an item in bill._] Come now, Dolly--this is really
+too bad--this really is too bad!
+
+_Dolly._ [_Frightened._] What?!
+
+     [_Getting off his knee._
+
+_Harry._ One dozen pairs best silk hose, with clocks----
+
+_Dolly._ Yes--how much does that come to?
+
+_Harry._ Eleven pounds two----
+
+_Dolly._ It does seem rather a high price, but----
+
+     [_Drawing up her dress and showing an inch or two of silk
+     stocking._
+
+_Harry._ You're wearing them about the house?
+
+_Dolly._ I can't go about the house without stockings. And I put them on
+for your especial benefit. [_He utters a contemptuous exclamation._]
+They're a lovely quality----
+
+     [_Drawing up her dress an inch or two higher._
+
+_Harry._ I daresay. [_Turning away._] I'm not going to admire your
+stockings, or your ostrich ruffles, or your blue silk garters, or your
+motifs, or anything that is yours! It's too expensive!
+
+_Dolly._ [_Dress an inch higher, looking down at her stockings._] It's
+the clocks you have to pay for----
+
+_Harry._ I beg your pardon, it's the clocks I haven't got to pay for!
+And don't mean to--if I can help it. Idiotic thing to go and put clocks
+on stockings--[_muttering_] damned silly idiotic----
+
+_Dolly._ Ah! [_Goes to table, brings the hospital box and puts it in
+front of him._] Double fine this time.
+
+_Harry._ What for?
+
+_Dolly._ Naughty swear word, and getting out of temper.
+
+_Harry._ Oh well--[_fumbling in his pocket_] I did say d----, but I
+didn't get out of temper!
+
+_Dolly._ You didn't get out of temper?!?
+
+_Harry._ Not at all. I'm quite calm. [_Sulkily puts a shilling in the
+box._] There! [_Seats himself at table._] Now we'll go quietly and
+methodically through the remainder---- [_Taking up a bill, looks at it,
+exclaims._] Good heavens!
+
+_Dolly._ Good heavens what?
+
+_Harry._ [_In a low exhausted tone with groans._] Good heavens! Good
+heavens! It's absolutely useless--Good heavens!
+
+_Dolly._ But what is it?      [_Coming up, looking over._
+
+_Harry._ [_Points to bill._] Four more hats! Nine on the other
+bill--four more here. Thirteen hats.
+
+_Dolly._ No, one was a toque.
+
+_Harry._ But can you explain?
+
+_Dolly._ Yes. You said yourself that Madame Recamier was horribly
+expensive, so I left her and went to Jacquelin's--just to save your
+pocket----
+
+_Harry._ Never save my pocket again, please.
+
+_Dolly._ Very well, I won't.
+
+_Harry._ No, I daresay you won't, but I shall! I shall draw the strings
+very tightly in future. Save my pocket! [_He is walking about
+distractedly._] Save my pocket.      [_Groans._
+
+_Dolly._ Now, Harry, it's useless to take it in this way--you knew when
+you married me I hadn't got the money sense----
+
+_Harry._ [_Groans._] I hadn't got any sense at all!
+
+_Dolly._ Very likely not. But try and have a little now. What have I
+done? Run a little into debt, solely to please you.
+
+_Harry._ Yes; well, now run out of it, and I shall be better pleased
+still.
+
+_Dolly._ After all, running into debt is a positive virtue beside the
+things that some wives do!
+
+_Harry._ Oh, it's a positive virtue, is it?
+
+_Dolly._ A husband is very lucky when his wife spends most of her time
+running up a few bills. It keeps her out of mischief. I'm sure you ought
+to feel very glad that I'm a little extravagant!
+
+_Harry._ Oh, I am! I am! I'm delighted!
+
+     [_He sits at table, takes out a pencil, hurriedly puts down the
+     amounts of the various bills--she creeps up behind him._
+
+_Dolly._ What are you doing?
+
+_Harry._ I'm totting up to see how lucky I am! Forty-one, one, six----
+[_Groans._] Ninety-four----      [_Groans._
+
+_Dolly._ [_Has crept up behind him, puts her arms round his neck._] Now,
+Harry, will you take my advice----?
+
+_Harry._ No.
+
+_Dolly._ It's past eleven.
+
+     [_Trying to take the pencil out of his hand._
+
+_Harry._ [_Disengaging her arms, speaking very sternly._] Will you have
+the goodness to let me have all your bills, so that I may know what help
+I shall need from my banker?
+
+_Dolly._ Harry, you don't mean that? Oh, that's absurd with our income!
+
+_Harry._ Will you have the goodness to do as I say, and at once, please?
+[_He is dotting down figures. She stands still in the middle of the
+room._] Did you hear me?
+
+     [_She bursts into tears. He turns round and shows symptoms of
+     relenting towards her, but steels himself and turns to the bills.
+     She bursts into renewed tears. He goes on figuring._
+
+_Dolly._ [_Piteously._] Harry! Harry! [_Goes up to him and plucks his
+sleeve._] Harry!
+
+_Harry._ Well?
+
+     [_He turns and looks at her, is about to yield, but resists, turns
+     away from her, settles resolutely to his figures._
+
+_Dolly._ And on the first night of the New Year, too! Just as we were
+going to be so happy! Harry! [_Holds out her arms appealingly._] Harry!
+[HARRY _suddenly turns round and clasps her._] How could you be so
+unkind to me?
+
+_Harry._ Was I? I didn't mean to be. Now! Dry your tears, and help me
+reckon this up----
+
+_Dolly._ Ye-es.
+
+_Harry._ But first of all let me have the remainder of the bills----
+
+_Dolly._ Yes.
+
+_Harry._ At once, my darling--it's getting late.
+
+_Dolly._ Yes. [_Goes up to desk._] You won't reproach me?
+
+_Harry._ Of course I won't.
+
+_Dolly._ I can bear anything except your reproaches. Promise you won't
+reproach me.
+
+_Harry._ I won't, unless----
+
+_Dolly._ Unless what?
+
+_Harry._ It's something too awful.
+
+_Dolly._ Oh, it isn't. Not at all. Not at all. [_Goes up to the desk,
+brings down about ten more bills with great affected cheerfulness._]
+There! You see, it's nothing.
+
+_Harry._ [_Hastily looking at the totals._] Nothing? You call these
+nothing!!?
+
+_Dolly._ Nothing to speak about--nothing awful!
+
+_Harry._ Good heavens! How any woman with the least care for her
+husband, or her home---- [_looking at one total after another_] how any
+woman with the least self-respect---- [DOLLY _goes to him, puts her arms
+round him, tries to embrace--he repulses her._] No, please. I've had
+enough of that old dodge.
+
+_Dolly._ Dodge!
+
+_Harry._ I remember that last two hundred pounds and how you sweedled me
+out of it!
+
+_Dolly._ Sweedled?
+
+_Harry._ Yes! Sweedled!
+
+_Dolly._ There's no such word!
+
+_Harry._ No, but there's the thing! As most husbands know. [_Referring
+to one bill after another, picking out items._] Lace coat, hand-made!
+En-tout-cas, studded cabochons of lapis lazuli--studded
+cabochons--studded cabochons!
+
+_Dolly._ [_Has quietly seated herself, and is looking at the ceiling._]
+Couldn't you manage to pitch your voice in rather a softer key?
+
+_Harry._ [_Comes angrily down to her, bills in hand, speaks in a
+whisper, very rapidly and fiercely._] Yes! And I say that a woman who
+goes and runs up bills like these, [_dashing the back of one hand
+against the bills in the other_] while her husband is smoking threepenny
+cigars, will very soon bring herself and him to one of those new
+palatial workhouses where, thank heaven, the cuisine and appointments
+are now organized with a view of providing persons of your tastes with
+every luxury at the ratepayers' expense. [_Returns angrily to the bills,
+turns them over._] Irish lace bolero! [_Turns to another._] Fur motor
+coat, fifty-five guineas----
+
+_Dolly._ [_Calmly gazing at the ceiling._] You told me to look as smart
+as Mrs. Colefield.
+
+_Harry._ Not at that price! If I'd known what that motor tour would cost
+by Jove! I'd----
+
+_Dolly._ You're getting noisy again. You'll wake my father.
+
+_Harry._ He ought to be waked! He ought to know what his daughter is
+saddling me with.
+
+_Dolly._ Very well, if you don't care how shabby I look----
+
+_Harry._ Shabby! [_Referring to bills._] Lace demi-toilette! Point de
+Venise lace Directoire coat! Shabby?
+
+_Dolly._ My dear Harry, do you suppose we shall ever agree as to what
+constitutes shabbiness?
+
+_Harry._ No, I'm hanged if we ever shall!
+
+_Dolly._ Then suppose we drop the subject. For the future I shall
+endeavor to please you entirely.
+
+_Harry._ Oh, you will?
+
+_Dolly._ By dressing so that you'll be ashamed to be seen in the same
+street with me. I shall make myself a perfect fright--a perfect dowdy--a
+perfect draggletail!
+
+_Harry._ Then I shall not be seen in the same street with you.
+
+_Dolly._ You won't?
+
+_Harry._ No, my dear. Make no mistake about that!
+
+_Dolly._ You'll be seen with somebody else, perhaps?
+
+_Harry._ Very likely.
+
+_Dolly._ Have you met Miss Smithson again?
+
+_Harry._ Not since the last time.
+
+_Dolly._ Have you seen her since we were at Folkestone?
+
+_Harry._ What's that to do with your bills?
+
+_Dolly._ A great deal. That night at dinner she told you her dress
+allowance was a hundred and twenty a year, and you said you wished she'd
+give me a few lessons in economy.
+
+_Harry._ I did not.
+
+_Dolly._ Pardon me, you did!
+
+_Harry._ Pardon me, I did not. I said she might give _some_ women a
+lesson in economy.
+
+_Dolly._ You did not! I heard every word of your conversation, and you
+distinctly asked her to give me, your wife, a few lessons in economy.
+
+_Harry._ I'll swear I didn't!
+
+_Dolly._ Ask my father! He was there.
+
+_Harry._ Very well! I'll ask him the first thing in the morning.
+
+_Dolly._ No, to-night! You've accused me of deliberately saying what
+isn't true, and I----
+
+_Harry._ I have not!
+
+_Dolly._ Yes, you have. And I insist on having it cleared up to-night! I
+don't suppose he's asleep! Fetch him down!
+
+_Harry._ Very well! I will fetch him down!      [_Exit._
+
+_Dolly._ [_Paces furiously up and down._] Me! Lessons in economy!
+Lessons in economy! Me! Lessons in economy!
+
+     _Re-enter_ HARRY.
+
+_Harry._ He'll be down in a minute! Meantime, [_very angry_] I want to
+know what any woman in this world wants with two dozen cache corsets?
+
+     [_Banging his free hand on the bills._
+
+_Dolly._ We'll clear up Miss Smithson first----
+
+_Harry._ No, we will not clear up Miss Smithson----
+
+_Dolly._ Because you can't clear up Miss Smithson----
+
+_Harry._ I can clear up Miss Smithson----
+
+_Dolly._ You cannot clear up Miss Smithson----
+
+     MATT _appears at door in dressing-gown, rubbing his eyes and
+     looking very sleepy._
+
+Dad, you remember Miss Smithson----
+
+_Matt._ [_Coming in, very sleepy._] Smithson?
+
+_Dolly._ The girl at the hotel at Folkestone, that Harry paid so much
+attention to.
+
+_Harry._ I paid no more attention to Miss Smithson than was absolutely
+necessary. Did I, Mr. Barron?
+
+_Dolly._ Oh! Oh! Dad, you remember----
+
+_Matt._ Not for the moment----
+
+_Dolly._ Not the disgraceful way Harry--there's no other word--carried
+on!
+
+_Harry._ I did not carry on--Mr. Barron, I appeal to you.
+
+_Dolly._ Dad!
+
+_Matt._ My dear, I certainly did not notice----
+
+_Dolly._ No, he was far too careful to let anyone notice it, except his
+own wife!
+
+_Harry._ You lay your life when I do carry on my wife will be the last
+person I shall allow to notice it!
+
+_Dolly._ I daresay! Dad, did you hear that?
+
+_Matt._ Yes. [_Rousing himself a little._] Now, Harry, what about this
+Miss Smithson?
+
+_Harry._ That's what I want to know!
+
+_Matt._ Who is Miss Smithson?
+
+_Dolly._ Surely you remember that lanky girl----
+
+_Harry._ Miss Smithson is not lanky----
+
+_Dolly._ Not lanky? Not lanky?! You can't have any eyes----!
+
+_Harry._ That's what I've often thought----
+
+_Dolly._ [_Explodes._] Oh! Oh! Dad!
+
+_Matt._ Come, Harry, let's clear this up. [_Suddenly._] Smithson? Oh
+yes! The girl who sat on your left at your dinner party----
+
+_Dolly._ That's the one!
+
+_Matt._ I should call her a trifle lanky, Harry.
+
+_Dolly._ A trifle? Well, never mind! You remember that dinner party----
+
+_Matt._ [_Cautiously._] Ye-es.
+
+_Dolly._ You remember how she waited for a lull in the talk, and then
+she said with that silly, simpering, appealing look----
+
+_Harry._ Miss Smithson's look is not silly or simpering.
+
+_Dolly._ Well, it's appealing, isn't it?
+
+_Harry._ [_With a little chuckle._] Oh, yes, it's appealing.
+
+_Dolly._ [_Enraged._] Oh! Dad!
+
+_Matt._ [_Quiets her._] Shush!--What did she say?
+
+_Dolly._ She said with a very marked glance at me, "My dress allowance
+is a hundred and twenty a year, and I don't understand how any
+reasonable woman can wish for more!" What do you think of that?
+
+_Matt._ Well, if she did say that, and if she glanced at you, it----
+
+_Dolly._ Yes?
+
+_Matt._ It wasn't very nice of her.
+
+_Dolly._ Nice? It was an insult! A direct, intentional, abominable
+insult, wasn't it?
+
+_Matt._ Yes, yes, decidedly, under the circumstances----
+
+_Dolly._ And Harry ought to have resented it?
+
+_Matt._ At his own dinner table he couldn't, could he?
+
+_Dolly._ Yes! At least, if he couldn't resent it, he ought to have
+_shown_ that he resented it. Instead of that, he actually asked her to
+give me a few lessons in economy!
+
+_Harry._ I did not!
+
+_Dolly._ Pardon me, you did! Me! his wife! Lessons in economy!
+
+_Harry._ And a thundering good thing if she had given you a few before
+you ran up these bills!
+
+     [_Dashes his hand on to the bills._
+
+_Dolly._ There! You hear?!
+
+_Matt._ Come, Harry, you oughtn't to have asked another woman to give
+your wife lessons in economy.
+
+_Harry._ I didn't!
+
+_Dolly._ Dad! You were there----
+
+_Matt._ Yes, but I don't quite remember----
+
+_Dolly._ You don't remember?! Surely you can remember a simple thing
+like that when your own daughter tells you it was so!
+
+_Matt._ Now, Harry, what did you really say to Miss Smithson?
+
+_Harry._ I said she might give _some_ women a lesson in economy.
+
+_Matt._ Not meaning Dolly?
+
+     [_Giving him a wink to say "No."_
+
+_Harry._ No-o.
+
+_Dolly._ Then whom did he mean? Lessons in economy? Whom _could_ he mean
+if he didn't mean me?
+
+_Harry._ Just so!
+
+_Dolly._ Ah! There! You see, he owns it!
+
+_Matt._ No, no, I'm sure he doesn't mean it! Did you, Harry?
+
+     [_Winking at_ HARRY.
+
+_Dolly._ Then will he please say what he really does mean?
+
+_Matt._ Now, Harry, what do you really mean?
+
+_Harry._ Well, you remember that night of the dinner party at
+Folkestone.
+
+_Matt._ [_Cautiously._] Ye-es.
+
+_Harry._ After they'd all gone you and I went into the smoking-room,
+didn't we?
+
+_Matt._ [_Cautiously._] Ye-es.
+
+_Harry._ And you said, "Doll's in one of her high gales again!"
+
+_Dolly._ High gales?! [_Indignant._] Father! You didn't say that?
+
+_Matt._ No, no, my dear----
+
+_Harry._ Excuse me, those were your exact words. High gales!
+
+_Matt._ I don't remember.
+
+_Dolly._ No, you don't remember anything.
+
+_Harry._ You said, "What on earth was up between her and Miss Smithson
+at dinner?"
+
+_Dolly._ You see! That proves exactly what I said!
+
+_Harry._ No, by Jove, it proves that your father noticed what a
+confounded, cussed----
+
+_Dolly._ Go on! Go on! Say it!
+
+_Matt._ Shush! Shush! Well, Harry, what did you say?
+
+_Harry._ Well, not wishing to give Dolly away----
+
+_Dolly._ Ha! ha! Not wishing to give me away!
+
+_Harry._ Not then! But, by Jove, if any decent chap were to come along
+now----
+
+_Dolly._ [_Exploding._] There! There! [_To_ MATT.] And you sit there and
+hear my own husband insult me in my own house!
+
+_Matt._ No! No!
+
+_Dolly._ But there you sit! There you sit!
+
+_Matt._ [_Jumps up fiercely._] Now, Harry!
+
+_Harry._ [_Fiercely._] Well, now, Mr. Barron----
+
+_Dolly._ Why don't you defend me? Why don't you demand an apology?
+
+_Matt._ What for?
+
+_Dolly._ For everything! For to-night! For that night at Folkestone!
+
+_Harry._ That night at Folkestone! Why, your father was quite on my
+side----
+
+_Matt._ What?
+
+_Dolly._ He wasn't; were you, Dad?
+
+_Matt._ No--no.
+
+_Harry._ What? [_Fiercely._] Do you remember exactly what passed between
+us in the smoking-room, Mr. Barron?
+
+_Matt._ No.
+
+_Harry._ Then I'll tell you----
+
+_Matt._ [_Retreating towards door._] No--no--I don't want to know----
+
+_Harry._ [_Following him up, shouting a little._] You said, "I know what
+she's like in her high gales! I remember what the little devil was like
+at home."
+
+_Dolly._ [_Pursuing him up to door._] Father! You didn't say that!
+
+_Matt._ No--no, my darling--quite a mistake--quite a mistake--altogether
+a mistake.
+
+     [_Gets thankfully off at back._
+
+_Dolly._ [_Calls after him._] Then why don't you stay and tell him so!
+
+_Harry._ [_Shouts after_ MATT.] It's not a mistake!
+
+_Dolly._ [_Calls after_ MATT.] It's cowardly of you to leave me here to
+be insulted.
+
+_Harry._ [_Goes up to door, shouts._] It's not a mistake! You patted me
+on the back and said, "Poor chap! Poor chap!" You know you did! [_Closes
+the door, comes fiercely down to_ DOLLY.] It's not a mistake! He could
+see you had insulted Miss Smithson.
+
+_Dolly._ I had not insulted her! I was far too civil to her, considering
+that the next evening you took her out on the Leas, when you ought to
+have been at billiards----
+
+_Harry._ I took her out on the Leas!
+
+_Dolly._ Yes! You weren't in the billiard-room! So where were you? Where
+were you?
+
+_Harry._ I jolly well don't know, and I--I----
+
+_Dolly._ Say it! Say it!
+
+_Harry._ I damned well don't care!
+
+_Dolly._ Ah!
+
+     [_She seizes the box, brings it up to him, puts it irritatingly in
+     front of him; he seizes it, they struggle for it, trying to take
+     it out of each other's hands; she screams, he tries to get it;
+     there is a scuffle round the room; he tries to rub her knuckles;
+     she makes a little feint to bite him; in the struggle the box drops
+     on the floor a little below the table, right._
+
+_Dolly._ Jobling! Jobling! Jobling!
+
+_Harry._ Now, madam, for the last time, have I all your bills?
+
+_Dolly._ Jobling! Jobling! Jobling!
+
+_Harry._ Have I all your bills?
+
+_Dolly._ Jobling! Jobling! Jobling!
+
+_Harry._ Once more, madam, have I all your bills?
+
+_Dolly._ No, you haven't!
+
+_Harry._ Then please hand them over to me this instant, so that I may
+take proceedings.
+
+_Dolly._ [_Laughing._] Proceedings! Ha! Take your proceedings!
+
+_Harry._ By Jove! I will take proceedings.
+
+_Dolly._ Take them! Take them!
+
+_Harry._ [_Walking about furiously with the bills._] So this is the way
+the money goes! [_Banging the bills._] While I have to smoke twopenny
+cigars! And can't get a decent dinner!
+
+_Dolly._ You can't get a decent dinner?
+
+_Harry._ No! Look at those messes last night. They weren't fit for a
+cook-shop.
+
+_Dolly._ Oh! Oh! Oh! Get a housekeeper! Get a housekeeper!
+
+_Harry._ By Jove! that's what I mean to do!
+
+_Dolly._ Have Miss Smithson! Send for her to-morrow morning! I'll hand
+her over the keys!
+
+_Harry._ [_Shouting._] And please hand me over the rest of your bills!
+The rest of your bills, madam!
+
+     [DOLLY _marches up to the desk._
+
+     MATT _appears at door in dressing-gown._
+
+_Matt._ I can't get a wink of sleep----
+
+     [DOLLY _takes out about twenty more bills._
+
+_Harry._ I insist on seeing the whole lot! So there!
+
+_Dolly._ [_Flourishing the bills, strewing them on the floor._] Well
+there! And there! And there! And there! Now you've got the whole lot!
+And I hope you're satisfied. I'm going into Renie's room!      [_Exit._
+
+_Harry._ I insist on your going through these bills----
+
+     [_Following her off. Their voices are heard retreating upstairs_,
+     DOLLY _saying_, "go through the bills! Send for Miss Smithson! Have
+     her here to-morrow morning! Take your proceedings," HARRY _saying_,
+     "I insist on going through the bills to-night! Do you hear, madam,
+     I insist! Will you come down and go through these bills," etc.
+
+_Matt._ [_Listens, as their voices die away. When the voices have
+ceased, he surveys the scene._] We're making a splendid start for the
+New Year!
+
+     [_Sees the box on the floor, picks it up, carefully places it on
+     table and goes off._
+
+
+CURTAIN.
+
+
+
+
+(_A year passes between Acts III and IV._)
+
+ACT IV.
+
+
+SCENE: _The same._
+
+TIME: _Afternoon of January 1st, 1908._
+
+     _Enter_ LUCAS, _followed by_ CRIDDLE. LUCAS _has his left
+     collar-bone broken, and his arm is strapped across his breast; his
+     coat is buttoned loosely over the arm, the left sleeve hanging
+     down._
+
+_Lucas._ They've gone to meet me?
+
+_Criddle._ Yes, sir.
+
+_Lucas._ By the road?
+
+_Criddle._ Yes, sir.
+
+_Lucas._ That's how I've missed them. My car broke down the other side
+of the clump, and so I walked over the fields.
+
+_Criddle._ Yes, sir. I beg pardon, I hope the arm isn't serious.
+
+_Lucas._ No, Criddle. Just serious enough to get me a couple of months'
+leave, so that I could spend the New Year in England.
+
+_Criddle._ You had it very hot in India, I suppose, sir?
+
+_Lucas._ Blazing!
+
+_Criddle._ We've got the same old weather here, you see, sir.
+
+_Lucas._ Same old weather! Had any visitors for Christmas, Criddle?
+
+_Criddle._ Mr. Barron, of course, and Professor and Mrs. Sturgess.
+
+_Lucas._ Same old visitors--same visitors, I should say. Mr. Pilcher
+still Vicar here, I suppose?
+
+_Criddle._ Yes, sir. He gave us a wonderful sermon at the old year's
+service last night.
+
+_Lucas._ Same old sermon!
+
+_Criddle._ No, sir. Not exactly the same sermon, though it had similar
+points to last year. Ah! You came over for the old year's service last
+year?
+
+_Lucas._ Yes, and a rattling good sermon it was!
+
+_Criddle._ Very powerful and persuading, wasn't it, sir? It even touched
+me up a bit.
+
+_Lucas._ In what way, Criddle?
+
+_Criddle._ I used to have my ten bob on any horse as I fancied, but I
+never put a farthing on anything--not even on Sulky Susan for the Oaks.
+
+_Lucas._ You didn't?
+
+_Criddle._ No, and thank God, in a manner of speaking, that I didn't,
+for she never pulled it off. I owe that to Mr. Pilcher. No, I never
+touched a thing till the Leger. That reminds me----
+
+_Lucas._ What, Criddle?
+
+_Criddle._ Why, last year, after Mr. Pilcher's sermon, the master had a
+collecting box, and when he found himself going a bit off the straight
+he used to put in a shilling or half-a-crown for Mr. Pilcher's blanket
+fund----
+
+_Lucas._ Yes, of course! And Uncle Matt promised him a sovereign for
+each of us if we had carried out our good resolutions. Is that coming
+off, Criddle?
+
+_Criddle._ I expect it is, sir. Mr. Pilcher is coming here this
+afternoon, and the master told me to be sure and find the box before he
+gets here.
+
+_Lucas._ Find the box?
+
+_Criddle._ Nobody has seen anything of it for some months. Excuse me,
+sir, I must look for it.
+
+     [_Exit_ CRIDDLE.
+
+     LUCAS _takes out letter from an unsealed envelope, glances through
+     it, sits at table, takes out pencil, adds a short note, puts letter
+     in envelope, seals it up, puts it in his tail pocket, goes to
+     conservatory, looks in._ RENIE _enters at door behind him. She
+     starts, as he turns round._
+
+_Renie._ [_In a whisper._] You're here already?
+
+_Lucas._ Yes----
+
+_Renie._ Your wound?
+
+_Lucas._ Much better. Nearly well.
+
+_Renie._ I'm so glad----
+
+_Lucas._ I'm not. I shall have to cut it back to India directly. Why
+didn't you answer my last letter?
+
+_Renie._ I did--and tore it up.
+
+_Lucas._ Tore it up?
+
+_Renie._ What's the use? I told you last year we could never be anything
+to each other!
+
+_Lucas._ But you didn't mean it?
+
+     [_He seizes her hand and kisses it several times._
+
+_Renie._ [_Feebly attempting to withdraw it._] Yes--yes, I did. Hush!
+
+_Lucas._ I want you to read this.      [_Shows her the letter._
+
+_Matt._ [_Heard through the door which is open a few inches._] Have you
+found the box, Criddle?
+
+_Criddle._ No, sir. I've hunted everywhere.
+
+_Matt._ Have another look. We must have it ready for Mr. Pilcher.
+
+     MATT _enters. Meantime_ RENIE _has crept to upper conservatory door
+     and gone off signing to_ LUCAS _to keep silence. He has taken the
+     letter out of his pocket and held it up for her to see, putting it
+     back before_ MATT _enters._
+
+_Matt._ Ah, Lucas. So you've got here. Happy New Year!
+
+_Lucas._ Happy New Year, Uncle Matt.
+
+     [_Cordially shaking hands._
+
+_Matt._ Glad to see you back in England.
+
+_Lucas._ Glad to be back!
+
+_Matt._ How's the arm?
+
+_Lucas._ Splendid--nearly well. Dolly and Harry all right?
+
+_Matt._ First rate. They'll be here directly.
+
+_Lucas._ The Sturgesses are here again, Criddle tells me.
+
+_Matt._ Ye-es.
+
+_Lucas._ Gray matter still going strong?
+
+_Matt._ Booming.
+
+_Lucas._ How's Mrs. Sturgess?
+
+_Matt._ As usual, a little inclined to flop about and play act----
+
+_Lucas._ Yes. Jolly good-looking woman though, eh?
+
+_Matt._ Very. Lucas----
+
+_Lucas._ Well?
+
+_Matt._ You're quite cured, eh?
+
+_Lucas._ Cured?
+
+_Matt._ Of your infatuation for her.
+
+_Lucas._ Infatuation? Well, I admired her, and perhaps it was lucky I
+was ordered out to India----
+
+_Matt._ I managed that for you, my boy.
+
+_Lucas._ You did!?
+
+_Matt._ Sir John wanted a smart A.D.C., so I drove over to Aldershot,
+urged your claims, and got you the appointment.
+
+_Lucas._ So that was why I was packed off. It was you who----
+
+_Matt._ Aren't you thankful I did?
+
+_Lucas._ Yes, much obliged to you, much obliged!
+
+_Matt._ So you ought to be. And so's the lady.
+
+_Lucas._ Is she?
+
+_Matt._ Yes. When we got your wire yesterday saying you'd motor down
+to-day, Dolly had a long talk with her, and the result was she thanked
+Dolly and me for getting you out of the way and saving her from you.
+
+_Lucas._ Did she?
+
+_Matt._ Yes, for twenty minutes. She kissed Dolly, and I think she would
+have kissed me, only I didn't feel myself quite worthy.
+
+_Lucas._ Oh, so that's all settled!
+
+_Matt._ That's all settled. At least, let's hope so.
+
+_Lucas._ What do you mean?
+
+_Matt._ Well, you won't come----
+
+_Lucas._ What?
+
+_Matt._ The same old game.
+
+_Lucas._ What same old game?
+
+_Matt._ Why, _the_ same old game!
+
+_Lucas._ You must be judging me by yourself, when you were young.
+
+_Matt._ My dear boy, that's just what I am doing. Lucas, there's not
+going to be any repetition----
+
+_Lucas._ No--no.
+
+_Matt._ Because it isn't the right thing to do, is it?
+
+_Lucas._ No.
+
+_Matt._ Very well then, don't do it!
+
+_Lucas._ I won't! [_Listening._] Ah! [DOLLY _and_ HARRY'S _voices heard
+in hall_] Dolly and Harry!
+
+     DOLLY _and_ HARRY _enter very lovingly._
+
+_Lucas._ Hillo, Doll, old girl! Happy New Year!
+
+_Dolly._ Happy New Year, Lu!
+
+_Lucas._ Harry, old brick, how goes it?
+
+_Harry._ Splendid!
+
+_Lucas._ Happy New Year!
+
+_Harry._ Happy New Year! [_Looking lovingly at_ DOLLY.] By Jove, Doll,
+you can foot it. [_To_ LUCAS.] Doll and I have just raced up from the
+farm. She licked me! bless her!
+
+_Dolly._ Yes, because you encouraged me!
+
+_Harry._ [_Looking at her lovingly and admiringly, kisses her
+heartily._] There aren't many things this little woman can't do.
+
+_Dolly._ When you encourage me!
+
+_Harry._ Oh, I'll encourage you!
+
+     [_He again kisses her heartily._
+
+_Harry._ Well, Lu, old boy, glad to see you home again. Arm pretty bad?
+
+_Lucas._ No, nearly well, unfortunately.
+
+_Dolly._ Down for the day?
+
+_Lucas._ Well, now my car has broken down, I was wondering if you'd put
+me up----
+
+_Dolly._ [_Firmly._] No. We shall be pleased for you to stay to dinner.
+
+_Harry._ There's the spare room, Doll.
+
+_Dolly._ [_Firmly._] No. That may be wanted for Renie or myself.
+
+_Harry._ [_Half aside to her._] I say, not for you, old girl!
+
+_Lucas._ Oh, well, I shall have to get a shake-down at the Red Lion.
+
+     _Enter_ RENIE _at back, still in outdoor clothes._
+
+_Renie._ [_Feigning a little surprise._] Captain Wentworth! A happy New
+Year!
+
+_Lucas._ Happy New Year, Mrs. Sturgess.
+
+     [_Shaking hands._
+
+_Renie._ So sorry to hear of your wound!
+
+_Lucas._ Oh, it's healed, thank you.
+
+_Renie._ I'm so glad. Shall you be making a long stay in England?
+
+_Lucas._ I fear only a few days longer.
+
+_Renie._ I'm sorry your visit will be so short.
+
+     CRIDDLE _enters triumphantly with the hospital box which is
+     very mouldy and dusty--he has also duster in his hand._
+
+_Criddle._ I've found him, sir--
+
+_Matt._ Rather mouldy, eh?
+
+_Criddle._ Oh, we'll soon put that to rights, sir.
+
+     [_Begins to dust the box carefully._
+
+_Matt._ Looks well for your household discipline here, Harry.
+
+_Harry._ How?
+
+_Matt._ You've had no occasion to use him lately.
+
+_Criddle._ [_Displaying the box, having carefully dusted it._] There he
+is, sir, Hospital for Incurables! Nearly as good as new.
+
+_Matt._ Where did you find him?
+
+_Criddle._ In the wine-cellar, of all places! I was getting out a bottle
+of the sixty-eight port for New Year's night, and happening to put my
+hand behind, there he was!
+
+_Harry._ [_Has a sudden gesture of remembrance._] Yes, I remember!
+
+_Matt._ What should incurables be doing in the wine-cellar? [_Holds out
+his hand to_ CRIDDLE _for the box._ CRIDDLE, _who has been holding it
+carefully, gives it to_ MATT. _Exit_ CRIDDLE. MATT _gives the box a
+shake. It rattles as if half full of coins. He shakes it again, more
+violently; it rattles again._] Internal organs sound healthy. How did he
+get into the wine-cellar, Harry?
+
+_Harry._ Well, Dolly and I had been having a little tiff one
+morning--nothing serious----
+
+_Matt._ No. When was that?
+
+_Harry._ March, wasn't it?
+
+_Dolly._ May, I think----
+
+_Harry._ No, it wasn't that one--Well, never mind, I got so riled at
+Dolly always poking this box in front of me whenever I happened to--so I
+thought the wine-cellar would be the safest place for it.
+
+_Matt._ [_Gives it another rattle._] Well, here he is, turned up just at
+the right moment! And here you all are, Dolly, Harry, Lucas, Mrs.
+Sturgess--all clamouring for me to redeem my promise and put in a
+sovereign for each of you.
+
+     CRIDDLE _appears at door announcing_ MR. PILCHER. PILCHER _enters
+     with four oblong brown paper parcels of equal size. Exit_
+     CRIDDLE.
+
+_Pilcher._ Happy New Year to you all! Excuse me. [_Depositing his
+parcels._] My New Year's gifts to a few of my parishioners!
+
+_Dolly._ New Year's gifts!
+
+_Pilcher._ To those who need them. [_Shaking hands with her._] Happy New
+Year, Mr. Barron!
+
+     [_Shaking hands._
+
+_Matt._ Happy New Year!
+
+_Pilcher._ How do this morning, Telfer! [HARRY _nods._] My dear Mrs.
+Sturgess!      [_Shaking hands._
+
+_Renie._ Happy New Year! What a lovely sermon you gave us again last
+night!
+
+_Pilcher._ Lovely! Well, say healthy, bracing.
+
+_Harry._ A jolly good rouser again. Made me feel--well----
+
+     [_Gives himself a shake._
+
+_Pilcher._ Ah, Captain Wentworth, happy New Year!
+
+_Lucas._ [_Shaking hands._] Happy New Year!
+
+_Pilcher._ I heard you were wounded----
+
+_Lucas._ Oh, that's done with.
+
+_Matt._ We were just talking about our New Year's inquest----
+
+_Pilcher._ Inquest?!
+
+_Matt._ Into the characters of Dolly and Harry and----
+
+     [_Glancing at_ RENIE _and_ LUCAS.
+
+_Dolly._ Oh, please don't talk about inquests. Nobody's character is
+dead here.
+
+_Matt._ I hope not! We shall see----
+
+_Lucas._ Uncle, you don't really mean----
+
+_Matt._ It was a bona fide bargain on my side, but if you wish to avoid
+any awkward little exposures, or if Mr. Pilcher will kindly waive his
+claims to my contributions----
+
+_Pilcher._ I'm afraid I can't. I have come here for the express purpose
+of bearing away my trophy--Ah! [_Seeing box on table, takes it, gives it
+a shake; his features assume a pleasant smile._] It seems to have proved
+a very wholesome household regulator.
+
+_Harry._ Yes, by Jove! It hadn't been in the house twenty-four hours
+before I put in a sovereign.
+
+_Pilcher._ A sovereign?
+
+_Harry._ The first night of last year Dolly and I had a little
+tiff--nothing serious--and so the next morning I made it up and--didn't
+I, Dolly?----
+
+_Dolly._ You did! And paid my bills like a lamb, you dear!
+
+_Pilcher._ And put in a sovereign? [_Rattles the box again._] I won't
+say "Don't have any more household tiffs," but I will say "Don't omit to
+liquidate them." [_Gives the box another rattle._] The box must have
+been in pretty constant use since----
+
+_Harry._ Ye-es.
+
+     PROFESSOR STURGESS _enters at back, with the proofs of his book
+     in his hand._
+
+_Prof._ How do you do?
+
+_Pilcher._ [_Has put down box._] How do you do? [_Shaking hands._] Happy
+New Year!
+
+_Prof._ Happy New Year to you! [_To_ LUCAS.] How d'ye do?
+
+_Lucas._ First rate. Happy New Year!
+
+     [_Shaking hands._
+
+_Prof._ Thank you. An accident?
+
+_Lucas._ Bit of one. Getting over it.
+
+_Prof._ If I might recommend the constant use of Pableine.
+
+_Lucas._ Oh, thanks, it's quite well----
+
+_Prof._ Try Pableine. It's a wonderful restorative. I'm intruding----
+
+     [_Looking round._
+
+_Pilcher._ Not at all. We were just about to settle the question Mr.
+Barron raised last New Year's day----
+
+_Prof._ Oh, yes; I remember! Curiously enough I have only this morning
+received the proofs of my new volume, "Free Will, the Illusion."
+
+     [_Showing the proofs to_ PILCHER.
+
+_Pilcher._ Very interesting. I should like to discuss the matter with
+you, but [_taking out watch_] I have so many New Year's calls to make.
+[_Looking at_ MATT.] Perhaps we ought to get on with the--a----
+
+_Matt._ Inquest.
+
+_Pilcher._ Vindication.
+
+_Matt._ [_Accepting the correction._] Vindication.
+
+_Prof._ I may perhaps be allowed to point out that Mr. Barron's novel
+and humorous experiment can in no sense be said to settle, or even to
+touch, the question of Free Will, which as I have proved here depends
+upon----      [_Again offering the proof._
+
+_Pilcher._ I should like to look through those sheets, but----
+
+     [_Glancing at_ MATT.
+
+_Prof._ You shall! I have put the whole argument into the concrete case
+of Sarah Mumford----
+
+_Pilcher._ Sarah Mumford?
+
+_Prof._ The baby farmer----
+
+_Matt._ Sarah's gray matter gone watery?
+
+_Prof._ Not watery, but she had a yellow effusion----
+
+_Matt._ I suppose that's just as bad?
+
+_Prof._ Quite.
+
+_Matt._ What did they do with her?
+
+_Prof._ They hanged her. They then discovered extensive lesions and this
+yellow effusion----
+
+_Matt._ Pity they didn't discover that before they hanged her.
+
+_Prof._ My exact point! Where is the justice of punishing a woman whose
+gray matter functions perversely? It is nothing short of a crime.
+
+_Dolly._ But she had suffocated five dear little babies?
+
+_Matt._ How could she avoid suffocating babies if she had a yellow
+effusion in her brain?
+
+_Prof._ Precisely my argument----
+
+    [_Puts his proofs into_ MATT'S _hands. Points out a passage_. MATT, _a
+    little embarrassed, takes them, looks through them._]
+
+_Prof._ The point I wish to establish is this. While we all allow that
+extensive or recognizable diseases of, or injuries to, the brain, free a
+man from responsibility and punishment, how can we logically mete out
+blame or praise, punishment or reward to our ordinary acts, thoughts,
+and impulses, seeing that all our acts, thoughts, and impulses, good or
+bad, virtuous or criminal, are equally the mere expressions of certain
+inevitable physical changes in the brain, the mere register on the dial
+plate of consciousness of necessary predetermined complications in the
+working of certain atoms of the gray matter of our cortex?
+
+_Matt._ Quite so! Quite so! [DOLLY _is about to speak, but_ MATT _hushes
+her down with a warning look and sign._] The Professor wants to say with
+Socrates that no man would be such a fool as to do wrong, if he could
+possibly help it.
+
+_Prof._ Well, if you like to put it that way----
+
+_Pilcher._ And now perhaps we might proceed. Can you remember the exact
+terms, Mr. Barron?
+
+_Matt._ I am to pay a sovereign for everyone of your hearers who has so
+far benefited by the wise admonitions of your last year's sermon as to
+have broken off his bad habits, or some especial bad habit----
+
+_Lucas._ We aren't bound to say what the habit is that we've broken
+off?
+
+_Matt._ I don't wish to be inquisitive, but if you don't mention the
+particular bad habit, you will have to give me your word of honor that
+you've conquered it. [_Putting down proofs on table, taking up the
+money-box, giving it a shake._] Now, who will be first to step into the
+confessional?      [_Looking round._
+
+_Dolly._ I will. As I've nothing to confess.
+
+_Matt._ Nothing?
+
+_Dolly._ No. I had what some husbands might think a bad habit, but----
+
+_Harry._ No bills this Christmas, eh, Doll?
+
+_Dolly._ No.
+
+_Harry._ You're sure now, my darling?
+
+_Dolly._ None of any importance.
+
+_Harry._ What do you mean of any importance?
+
+_Dolly._ Well, you must have some bills--they grow up before you
+know--such as Doctors' bills--you can't settle them all on the spur of
+the moment, but I've nothing--nothing of importance. So please put in
+your sovereign for me, Dad, and look pleasant about it.
+
+_Matt._ You declare upon your word of honor that you have broken off
+your bad habit of running up bills?
+
+_Dolly._ Yes.
+
+_Matt._ Entirely?
+
+_Dolly._ Yes. You said you wouldn't be inquisitive.
+
+_Matt._ Yes, but----
+
+_Pilcher._ Mrs. Telfer has given her word. I think I may claim one
+victory for free will, [_nodding victoriously at the_ PROFESSOR _who
+shakes his head_], and one sovereign for the Blanket Club.
+
+_Matt._ Hum! [_Draws a sovereign out of his pocket and very reluctantly
+drops it into the box, shakes his head at_ DOLLY _who looks a little
+uncomfortable._] Who volunteers next?
+
+_Renie._ I do. No--I'll wait a little--I want to make sure that I am
+perfectly honest with myself and with everybody.
+
+_Matt._ That perhaps may need a little consideration, Lucas?
+
+_Lucas._ Oh, let Harry have his doing first!
+
+_Matt._ Now, Harry!
+
+_Harry._ Oh, well, here goes! I'm going to make a clean breast. The fact
+is I've made a thundering mess of it.
+
+_Matt._ Ah!
+
+_Harry._ I did begin all right except for a little tiff with Dolly--and
+then I kept on pretty well for some time, and then--well I don't know--I
+seemed to go all to pieces and--[MATT _rattles the money-box._] However,
+better luck this year.
+
+_Pilcher._ Shall we say a little more resolution?
+
+_Harry._ Oh, I mean to pull myself together this year.
+
+_Matt._ Perhaps you tried too much reforming, Harry--too many irons in
+the fire, eh?
+
+_Harry._ Well, it's jolly hard to keep it up. And I'd got pretty slack
+till you woke us up last night--I say, that was a rouser again.
+
+_Pilcher._ It wasn't a very bad sermon, was it? Well now for the
+next year shall we make one especial effort in one especial
+direction--Say----
+
+_Dolly._ Temper, eh, Harry?
+
+_Harry._ Right, old girl! Oh, I mean it.
+
+_Matt._ No victory for free will, and the Blanket Club, this time. Game
+and game, eh? Now which of you two----
+
+     [_Looking at_ RENIE _and_ LUCAS.
+
+_Renie._ I'll be your first victim. [_Coming into the middle of the
+room, and posing._] It's so strange that what you started as a jest----
+
+_Matt._ Oh no, in deadly earnest I assure you.
+
+_Renie._ In this life who knows what is jest and what is earnest? The
+least little innocent thing may turn to a tragedy in a moment----
+
+_Matt._ Surely you haven't had any little tragedies?
+
+_Renie._ No, last year a mere little circumstance might have turned to a
+tragedy--honestly I wasn't to blame, but perhaps I was a little
+careless, and two dear friends came to me with their counsel, and what
+might have been a tragedy was turned to a comedy, thanks to those two
+dear friends!
+
+_Prof._ My dear, may I ask "what circumstance" you are alluding to?
+
+_Matt._ We said we wouldn't be inquisitive----
+
+_Prof._ No, but I cannot recall anything in my wife's life during the
+last twelve months that even approached a tragedy----
+
+_Renie._ I said the affair was quite unimportant----
+
+_Prof._ Then I wish, my dear, you wouldn't magnify everything, and I
+wish you would read solid scientific works in place of rubbishy French
+novels--and above all, take a little more regular exercise!
+
+_Matt._ Perhaps Mrs. Sturgess may consider that little point during the
+coming year. Meantime, [_To_ RENIE] may we be confident your little
+tragedy is ended----
+
+_Renie._ Oh yes, quite.
+
+_Matt._ We needn't ask its nature, but you give us your word of honor?
+
+     [_Looks at her very searchingly and speaking seriously._]
+
+_Renie._ Yes, my word of honor.
+
+_Matt._ Thank you.
+
+_Pilcher._ Another victory.
+
+_Matt._ [_Looks searchingly at her, drops a sovereign in the box._]
+Lucas?
+
+_Lucas._ [_Coming cheerfully forward._] My turn for the thumbscrew!
+
+_Matt._ You seem very cheerful about it.
+
+_Lucas._ Yes, I'm going to make a jolly good show.
+
+_Matt._ What particular bad habit have you conquered during the past
+year?
+
+_Lucas._ I don't know that I've conquered any one in particular, but
+I've had a regular good go in all round, so altogether I can pat myself
+on the back.
+
+_Matt._ But I want to know one particular habit conquered--for instance,
+you weren't very careful what ladies you made love to, or how many of
+them at the same time----
+
+_Lucas._ I say, Uncle Matt, drop this----
+
+_Matt._ And a year or two ago you went just a little bit off the
+straight----
+
+_Lucas._ Oh no I didn't.
+
+_Matt._ I want to know----
+
+_Lucas._ Thank you, no more thumbscrew. I'm out of this before it goes
+any further.
+
+_Matt._ It isn't going any further. [_Putting his hand on_ LUCAS'S
+_shoulder._] Give me your word of honor----
+
+_Lucas._ That's all very well, it wasn't a very bad case, and I don't
+think you should have brought it up. But as you have--well, I did meet a
+lady, and I was very much attracted to her, but I summoned all my
+resolution, and there the matter ended.
+
+_Pilcher._ I think I may claim a victory here.
+
+_Lucas._ So please put in your sovereign.
+
+_Matt._ [_Very seriously._] If you will give me your word of honor that
+you have absolutely broken off----
+
+_Lucas._ Yes, yes, of course I have.
+
+     [MATT _puts in a sovereign, hands the box to_ PILCHER.
+
+_Pilcher._ Three victories and one draw out of four. Most satisfactory.
+[_Taking out watch._] I must hurry off to the White House and see what
+they're doing there. [_Rattling the box._] Excellent results! So
+excellent that I think I'm justified in making you a little New Year's
+gift.
+
+     [_Going to his heap of brown-paper parcels._
+
+_Dolly._ A New Year's gift! How kind of you! To me?
+
+_Pilcher._ [_Opening his parcel._] To you and your husband. To your
+husband in particular, because, although he may have fallen a little
+short of perfection during the last year--like some of the rest of
+us--yet I feel sure that during this coming year--[_They have all been
+watching him curiously; he has now opened the parcel and displays a very
+bright brand new collecting box, with Crookbury Blanket Club painted on
+it, in large letters. It is much larger than the hospital box._] My
+household regulator!      [_Giving it to_ DOLLY.
+
+_Dolly._ [_Who has shown considerable disappointment on the opening of
+the parcel._] Crookbury Blanket Club! Thank you so much, for Harry's
+sake. Harry! For you, dear.
+
+     [_She gives the box to_ HARRY, _who places it on the same table._]
+
+_Dolly._ You call it the household regulator?
+
+_Pilcher._ Yes--I have suggested it to several of my brethren. Oh, its
+use will become very general throughout the diocese.
+
+_Dolly._ You think it will work well?
+
+_Pilcher._ It cannot fail. A box of this character--larger or smaller,
+according to the size of the family and their behaviour is left at each
+house on the first of the year. All little failings, peccadilloes, and
+asperities are strictly fined. The inevitable result is that either the
+family behaviour improves, or the parish charities benefit. I'm starting
+its operation in my parish to-day. Forgive any inexcusable rudeness in
+leaving the first box with you. I must hurry off! [_Shaking hands._]
+Good-bye, Professor.
+
+_Prof._ I should like to make that point clear with regard to free
+will----
+
+_Pilcher._ When you have an hour, or shall I say a year, to spare, we
+might argue it out----
+
+_Prof._ You're going to the White House? If I might accompany you----
+
+_Pilcher._ Delighted!
+
+     [_Shakes hands in dumb show with_ DOLLY _and_ HARRY.
+
+_Prof._ Renie, you've had your restless fits again. You'd better come
+with us----
+
+_Renie._ But I've already been walking----
+
+_Prof._ My dear, this bracing country air is just what you need. Keep
+out in it all the day long----
+
+_Renie._ Oh, very well--the White House, and the fish-pond as usual, I
+suppose?
+
+_Prof._ As usual. Come along.
+
+     [_Exit._ RENIE _slightly shrugs her shoulders, very slightly
+     glances at_ LUCAS _and exit after_ PROFESSOR.
+
+_Lucas._ The dear old fish-pond! We might all take a stroll there!
+
+_Matt._ Good idea! The dear old fish-pond! We might all take a stroll
+there!
+
+     [_Linking his arm with_ LUCAS.
+
+_Lucas._ [_Suspicious, holding back._] I don't know that I care--we went
+there last year----
+
+_Matt._ We did! Same old game, eh? Come along.
+
+     [_Drags_ LUCAS _off_.
+
+_Pilcher._ [_Has been gathering up his parcels._] Well, good-bye!
+Good-bye! [_Rattles the hospital box vigorously._] Three splendid
+victories for free will and moral resolution!
+
+     [_Exit, rattling the box._
+
+_Harry._ Doll, you really haven't got any bills this year?
+
+_Dolly._ No! no! Only the few little oddments that no woman can prevent.
+
+_Harry._ You might let me see the little oddments----
+
+_Dolly._ I will. [_Suddenly._] Oh Harry, I quite forgot! Do forgive me!
+
+_Harry._ What?
+
+_Dolly._ I never wrote the geyser bath people!
+
+_Harry._ Never mind the geyser bath.
+
+_Dolly._ And only this morning you rowed me because I hadn't got it
+ready for the New Year! Where did you put their address?
+
+_Harry._ I don't know! Somewhere upstairs among my papers.
+
+_Dolly._ [_Gently pushing him off._] I can just catch to-night's post!
+Make haste and get it! Quick! There's a dear! And then we can get the
+bath fixed up for you next week.
+
+_Harry._ Ye--es. I say, Doll, I mean to get those oddments fixed up
+to-night.
+
+     [_Taps the writing-case significantly and exit._ DOLLY _looks
+     frightened, sees him off, goes up to writing-desk, takes out bills,
+     looks at them, throws up her arms in despair, groans, slams down
+     the writing-desk, looks at the chair she has touched in first act,
+     shows great resolution, marches up and touches it._
+
+_Dolly._ Yes! Yes! I have got free will.
+
+     [_Goes back from it, again looks at it, again marches up to it,
+     touches it._
+
+_Dolly._ Then why do I keep on having bills?
+
+     RENIE _enters in great agitation and distress._
+
+_Renie._ Oh, Dolly!
+
+_Dolly._ What's the matter?
+
+_Renie._ Oh, Dolly!
+
+_Dolly._ What is it?
+
+_Renie._ [_Throws her arms round_ DOLLY _affectionately._] You've always
+been such a true friend to me----
+
+_Dolly._ Yes, dear.
+
+_Renie._ More like a sister. And I know I may trust you now.
+
+_Dolly._ [_A little suspicious._] Yes. Has anything happened?
+
+_Renie._ Yes. Oh, Dolly----
+
+_Dolly._ Tell me!
+
+_Renie._ As we were going out at the garden gate, Captain Wentworth held
+out a letter behind his back for me to take----
+
+_Dolly._ What?!
+
+_Renie._ But now his arm is wounded he couldn't manage it properly, and
+he dropped it. I hurried to pick it up, and then my husband noticed and
+insisted on reading it----
+
+_Dolly._ What was in the letter?
+
+_Renie._ It wasn't so very bad, but my husband has chosen to jump to a
+wrong conclusion, and--oh, Dolly, you can help me!
+
+_Dolly._ [_Coldly, relaxing her embrace._] How?
+
+_Renie._ If you'd only let me tell my husband that I was receiving it
+for you----
+
+_Dolly._ What?!
+
+_Renie._ There was no address, and fortunately it was so worded that it
+showed that you weren't really guilty.
+
+_Dolly._ Oh! I wasn't really guilty?
+
+_Renie._ In fact, it proves your complete innocence.
+
+_Dolly._ I'm glad of that.
+
+_Renie._ Then you'll let me say it was you?
+
+_Dolly._ No! You can't suppose I should let my own cousin make love to
+me in my own house?!
+
+_Renie._ You won't help me?
+
+_Dolly._ Yes, any way but that! How could you be so foolish?
+
+_Renie._ I don't know. When I heard yesterday he was coming, I quite
+made up my mind I'd have nothing to say to him! Dolly, free will must be
+an illusion, or else why am I always doing the things I don't mean to
+do. Oh, what shall I do?
+
+_Dolly._ As you are completely innocent, you'd better ask your husband
+to forgive you.
+
+_Renie._ Ye--es. No! As it is a perfectly pure and exalted attachment I
+shall take that ground--at any rate at first, and see what he says.
+You'll help me all you can?
+
+_Dolly._ Yes, but promise me you'll have nothing to do with Lucas in
+future!
+
+_Renie._ No, indeed! if I once get out of this.
+
+_Dolly._ Very well! I'll see what I can do.--Hush!
+
+     _The_ PROFESSOR _enters with a letter in his hand_, MATT _soothing
+     him._
+
+_Prof._ [_Very angry._] Not a word more, if you please. Mrs. Telfer, you
+have doubtless heard----
+
+_Dolly._ Yes----?
+
+_Prof._ I leave for London to-night-to consult my lawyer. Mrs. Sturgess
+will, I trust, return to her friends until----
+
+_Matt._ Perhaps Mrs. Sturgess may be able to explain----
+
+_Prof._ What explanation can be offered of language like this. [_Reading
+from letter._] "From the first moment I saw you, I felt that you were
+entirely different from any woman I have ever met----" A monstrously
+inexact statement to start with. And a woman who is capable of
+practising such deceit----
+
+     [RENIE _bursts into tears_.
+
+_Matt._ I think you ought to hear what Mrs. Sturgess has to say----
+
+_Renie._ [_Through her tears._] What would be the use? With such a
+nature as his he could never begin to understand the loyal and exalted
+devotion which Captain Wentworth feels for me! No, all my life I have
+been misunderstood, misjudged, condemned! Let it be so till the end!
+Dolly, come and help me pack!
+
+     [_Exit_. MATT _goes up to table and takes up proofs of_ PROFESSOR'S
+     _book and looks through them._
+
+_Dolly._ You're really too severe with poor Renie----
+
+_Prof._ I am not severe. I simply register the inevitable sentence of
+the husband upon the wife who misconducts herself!
+
+_Dolly._ Misconducts herself! She has merely had a little harmless
+flirtation----
+
+_Prof._ In my wife a flirtation of this character [_pointing to letter
+in his hand_] constitutes grave misconduct.
+
+_Dolly._ But that's perfectly ridiculous! Why it might happen to any
+woman! Dad, explain to him----
+
+_Matt._ Professor, you're taking altogether a wrong view of this. Now
+this case you were pointing out to me in your own book [_pointing to
+proofs_]--Number forty-nine, Mrs. Copway. Remarkably handsome woman
+too!--[_reading_] "The injustice and cruelty of condemning this poor
+lady must be apparent to all." My dear Professor, before publishing this
+book you'll have to modify your theory.
+
+_Prof._ I cannot modify my theory. I have spent ten years in collecting
+facts which prove it.
+
+_Matt._ Then, pardon me, you must really look over Mrs. Sturgess's
+little indiscretion.
+
+_Prof._ That is equally impossible----
+
+_Matt._ But you say that her action in receiving my nephew's letter was
+entirely due to the activity of certain atoms in the gray matter of her
+brain.
+
+_Prof._ Undoubtedly that is so.
+
+_Dolly._ Very well then, if her gray matter keeps on working wrong,
+what's the use of blaming her? You say yourself there's no such thing as
+free will----
+
+_Prof._ Precisely, but I have always allowed that in the present low
+moral and intellectual condition of the herd of mankind, free will is a
+plausible working hypothesis.
+
+_Dolly._ But it doesn't work! Free will won't work at all! Look at my
+own case! Do you suppose I should go on all my life having bills if I
+could help myself? [_Catching_ MATT'S _eye, who looks at her gravely and
+holds up his finger._] Never mind my bills! Do make him see how wrong
+and absurd it is to punish poor Renie when there's no such thing as free
+will!
+
+_Matt._ Dolly's right! She's only saying what you have so admirably laid
+down here. My dear Professor, you cannot possibly publish this book!
+
+_Prof._ But it has been announced! I must publish it.
+
+_Matt._ You cannot. Read that. [_Giving the_ PROFESSOR _the book and
+pointing out passage._] Surely after that you cannot condemn Mrs.
+Sturgess.
+
+_Prof._ [_Taking book, glancing at the passage._] Really, it's most
+annoying when one's own wife upsets----
+
+_Matt._ Oh! they're always making hay of our theories one way or the
+other.
+
+_Prof._ Of course, if one presses the matter home to first
+principles----
+
+_Dolly._ Yes! Yes! Well, why not act on your own first principles! You
+ought to be very sorry for poor Renie, considering all she has suffered.
+
+_Prof._ Suffered?
+
+_Dolly._ Yes, poor dear! You don't know what an awful struggle she has
+gone through between this unfortunate flirtation and her admiration for
+you.
+
+_Prof._ Her admiration for me!
+
+_Dolly._ Yes! She always speaks of you as her great protagonist of
+science.
+
+_Prof._ [_Mollified._] Does she? Does she?
+
+_Dolly._ Yes. If I were you I should go upstairs, and be very sweet to
+her, and above all don't reproach her. We women can endure anything
+except reproaches----
+
+_Prof._ [_Looking at his proofs._] I must publish my book. And after
+all, as you say, it is useless to blame them for acting according to
+the----
+
+_Matt._ The dictates of their gray matter when, bless them, they can't
+help themselves. My dear Professor, instead of condemning your wife you
+ought to be condoling with her, and doing all you can to get her gray
+matter into a healthy condition.
+
+_Prof._ I will hear what she has to say.
+
+_Dolly._ No. Go straight to her and forgive her, and then I'm sure her
+gray matter will soon be all right. And what a triumph that will be for
+you!
+
+_Prof._ It does offer a way out of the difficulty. In any case I must
+publish my book.      [_Exit._
+
+_Dolly._ Dad, I won't have her here next Christmas.
+
+_Matt._ No, my dear, I wouldn't.
+
+_Dolly._ That wretched Lucas!
+
+_Matt._ What is to be done with him?
+
+_Dolly._ Pack him off! Pack him off at once!
+
+     [LUCAS _cautiously looks in from upper conservatory door._
+
+_Lucas._ I say, how's the old bird seem to take it?
+
+_Dolly._ Old bird!
+
+_Lucas._ He isn't going to make a shindy over a trifle like this?
+
+_Dolly._ Trifle! He's threatening to divorce her and expose you!
+
+_Lucas._ You don't say so. I'm awfully sorry!
+
+_Dolly._ Sorry!
+
+_Lucas._ I am, indeed! And any reparation I can make----
+
+_Dolly._ Reparation?!
+
+_Lucas._ Such as an apology----
+
+     [DOLLY _utters a contemptuous exclamation._
+
+_Matt._ Will you give me your word of honor never to see Mrs. Sturgess
+again?
+
+_Lucas._ Yes.
+
+_Matt._ Or write to her?
+
+_Lucas._ Yes.
+
+_Matt._ The word of honour of an English gentleman used to mean
+something, Lu.
+
+_Lucas._ It does now, Uncle Matt!
+
+_Matt._ [_Shakes hands with him heartily._] Then I'll take it. Now be
+off as quickly as you can and let us make the best of it for you and
+her.
+
+_Lucas._ Thanks. Good-bye!
+
+_Matt._ Good-bye!
+
+     [LUCAS _crosses to_ DOLLY, _offers his hand._
+
+_Dolly._ No, Lu. If Renie gets out of this safely and if you behave
+yourself, I'll shake hands with you when you come back from India.
+
+_Lucas._ You're taking this too seriously--you're taking it far too
+seriously!      [_Exit._
+
+_Matt._ We're making a splendid start again for the New Year!
+
+_Dolly._ I hope this will be a lesson for Renie!
+
+_Matt._ I hope so. How about yourself?
+
+_Dolly._ What do you mean?
+
+_Matt._ I put the sovereign in, but--you've got a few more bills, eh?
+
+_Dolly._ Just a few oddments.
+
+_Matt._ How much?
+
+_Dolly._ I don't know. Dad----
+
+_Matt._ Well?
+
+_Dolly._ Now that South Africans have gone up at last, and you won that
+splendid coup on them last week----
+
+_Matt._ Well?
+
+_Dolly._ You couldn't lend me--a few hundreds--till my allowance comes
+due? Just a few hundreds----
+
+_Matt._ [_In a low reproachful tone, shaking his head._] What? What?
+What? Sad! Sad! Sad!!
+
+_Dolly._ [_Listens._] There's Harry! You will help me, Dad--you will?
+
+_Matt._ I'll see what I can do.
+
+     HARRY _enters cheerfully._
+
+_Harry._ That's all right, Doll! There's the address.
+
+     [_Giving a slip of paper._
+
+_Dolly._ Thanks, dear.
+
+_Harry._ And now about these mere oddments?
+
+_Dolly._ Not now, dear.
+
+_Harry._ Yes, dear, now. [_Very sternly._] This instant!
+
+_Dolly._ Harry, you're going to lose your temper----
+
+_Harry._ No. I'm going to keep a firm guard on it, but [_very sternly_]
+let me see those bills.
+
+_Dolly._ [_Creeps frightened up to the desk._] I'm sure you're going to
+lose your temper.
+
+     [_Opens the desk._
+
+_Harry._ [_Firmly._] No. I'm quite calm. Whose bill is that? [_She hands
+him one timorously._] Fulks and Garner! Artist Furriers! More artists!
+[_looks at total_]--one hundred and twenty-four pounds. Well, I'm----
+
+_Dolly._ Ah, Jobling!
+
+_Harry._ I should think I am Jobling. And you said you'd never enter
+their shop again!
+
+_Dolly._ I never meant it, but this time it was absolutely necessary----
+
+_Harry._ Necessary?
+
+_Dolly._ Yes--you see the chief item----
+
+_Harry._ [_Reads._] Chinchilla toque, coat, muff and boa--eighty
+guineas--eighty guineas----
+
+_Dolly._ I got them as a surprise for you when we go South next week.
+
+_Harry._ Surprise! Great heavens! What in the name of all----
+
+_Matt._ Shush, Harry! Her motive was a good one. She got it to please
+you!
+
+_Dolly._ You haven't seen it yet, it's just outside--I've a great mind
+to give you a great New Year's treat and let you see it on!
+
+_Harry._ I'm not going to be sweedled----
+
+_Matt._ Hush! Harry! Let her put it on! Let's have a look at it, and see
+whether it's worth the money. Put it on, Doll.      [_Exit_ DOLLY.
+
+_Harry._ [_Calls after her._] I tell you I'm not going to be
+sweedled!----
+
+_Matt._ What is sweedled?
+
+_Harry._ Sweedling is sweedling! It's part swindling and part wheedling!
+It's what every d--ee--d good-natured husband like me has to go through,
+when he's fool enough to put up with it!
+
+_Matt._ Well, old boy, you'll have to pay, you know; it will come to
+that in the end.
+
+_Harry._ I'm not going to be sweedled----
+
+_Matt._ And if Dolly has been a little extravagant, I must help her out
+with it to-morrow morning!
+
+_Harry._ No, we'll go into it thoroughly to-night.
+
+_Matt._ No, Harry, we won't. My room is just above here. Besides, the
+cook is going to give us a special New Year dinner, and I want to enjoy
+it. This New Year we'll start with a comfortable evening, please!
+
+     DOLLY _enters at back in a very handsome Chinchilla coat._ HARRY
+     _looks a little sulky. She stands in the middle of the room and
+     displays it._
+
+_Dolly._ Well? [_He looks at it rather sulkily, walks away; she follows
+him._] Well? [Walking after him.] Well? Well?
+
+     [_Displaying the furs._]
+
+     [_He turns, looks at her, she stands and holds out her arms._
+
+_Harry._ Oh, hang it all! [_Takes her in his arms and kisses her._]
+There!
+
+_Dolly._ [_Kissing him heartily._] And there! [_Another kiss._] And
+there! [_Another kiss._] And there! [_Catches sight of the collecting
+box, goes to it, furiously sweeps it off its table on to the floor._]
+AND THERE!
+
+
+                               CURTAIN.
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Transcriber's note
+
+
+The following changes have been made to the text:
+
+Page 7: "The Afternoon" changed to "The afternoon".
+
+Page 12: "thirt-four, seven" changed to "thirty-four, seven".
+
+Page 21: "no doubt each of has his own" changed to "no doubt each of you
+has his own".
+
+Page 30: "had a plesant walk" changed to "had a pleasant walk".
+
+Page 33: "to the time---- w" changed to "to the time----".
+
+Page 50: "Doll." changed to "Dolly.".
+
+Page 60: "Gibralter" changed to "Gibraltar".
+
+Page 69: "speak for themselevs" changed to "speak for themselves".
+
+Page 76: "least self-recpect" changed to "least self-respect".
+
+Page 76: "now organgized" changed to "now organized".
+
+Page 78: "down in a mniute" changed to "down in a minute".
+
+Page 95: "extensive lessions" changed to "extensive lesions".
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's Dolly Reforming Herself, by Henry Arthur Jones
+
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