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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Dolly Reforming Herself + A Comedy in Four Acts + +Author: Henry Arthur Jones + +Release Date: November 15, 2008 [EBook #27271] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK DOLLY REFORMING HERSELF *** + + + + +Produced by Bryan Ness, Carla Foust and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +book was produced from scanned images of public domain +material from the Google Print project.) + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<div class="transnote"> +<h3>Transcriber's note</h3> + +<p>A Table of Contents has been created for the HTML version. +Minor punctuation errors have been changed without notice. A few +printer errors have been changed, and they are indicated with +a <a class="correction" title="like this" href="#tnotes">mouse-hover</a> +and are listed at the +<a href="#tnotes">end of this book</a>. All other inconsistencies are as in the original. +The author's spelling +has been maintained. +</p> +</div> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + +<p class="fm1">THE PLAYS OF</p> +<p class="fm1">HENRY ARTHUR JONES</p> + +<hr style="width: 15%;" /> + +<h1>DOLLY<br /> +REFORMING<br /> +HERSELF</h1> + + +<h1><i>A Comedy in Four Acts</i></h1> + +<p class="fm4">BY</p> + +<p class="fm1">HENRY ARTHUR JONES</p> + +<p><br /></p> +<p class="fm2">AUTHOR OF</p> + +<p class="fm4">"THE LIARS," "MICHAEL AND HIS LOST ANGEL," "THE TEMPTER,"</p> +<p class="fm4">"THE CRUSADERS," "JUDAH," "THE CASE OF REBELLIOUS</p> +<p class="fm4">SUSAN," "THE DANCING GIRL," "THE MIDDLEMAN,"</p> +<p class="fm4">"THE ROGUE'S COMEDY," "THE TRIUMPH OF THE</p> +<p class="fm4">PHILISTINES," "THE MASQUERADERS," "THE</p> +<p class="fm4">MANŒUVRE OF JANE," "CARNACSAHIB,"</p> +<p class="fm4">"THE GOAL," "MRS. DANE'S DEFENCE,"</p> +<p class="fm4">"THE LACKEY'S CARNIVAL," "THE</p> +<p class="fm4">PRINCESS'S NOSE," ETC.</p> + +<hr style="width: 15%;" /> + +<p class="fm3">Memnon conçut un jour le projet insensé d'être parfaitement</p> +<p class="fm3">sage. Il n'y a guère d'hommes à qui cette folie</p> +<p class="fm3">n'ait quelquefois passé par la tête." <span class="smcap">Voltaire</span>.</p> + +<hr style="width: 15%;" /> + +<p class="fm4"><span class="smcap">Copyright, 1910, by Henry Arthur Jones</span></p> + +<hr style="width: 15%;" /> + +<p class="fm3">PRICE 50 CENTS</p> +<p><br /><br /></p> + +<table summary="PUBLISHERS"> +<tr> +<td class="tdc"><b>NEW YORK</b></td> +<td class="tdc"><b>|</b></td> +<td class="tdc"><b>LONDON.</b></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdc"><b>SAMUEL FRENCH</b></td> +<td class="tdc"><b>|</b></td> +<td class="tdc"><b>SAMUEL FRENCH, <span class="smcap">Ltd</span>.</b></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdc"><b>PUBLISHER</b></td> +<td class="tdc"><b>|</b></td> +<td class="tdc"><b>26 <span class="smcap">Southampton St</span>,</b></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdc"><b>28-30 <span class="smcap">West 38th Street</span></b></td> +<td class="tdc"><b>|</b></td> +<td class="tdc"><b><span class="smcap">Strand</span></b></td> +</tr> +</table> + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + +<h1> +DOLLY REFORMING<br /> +HERSELF<br /> +<br /> +A COMEDY IN FOUR ACTS</h1> + +<p class="fm4">BY</p> + +<p class="fm1">HENRY ARTHUR JONES</p> + +<hr style="width: 15%;" /> + +<p class="fm3">Memnon conçut un jour le projet insensé d'être parfaitement</p> +<p class="fm3">sage. Il n'y a guère d'hommes à qui cette folie</p> +<p class="fm3">n'ait quelquefois passé par la tête." <span class="smcap">Voltaire</span>.</p> + +<hr style="width: 15%;" /> + +<p class="fm4"><span class="smcap">Copyright, 1910, by Henry Arthur Jones</span></p> + +<hr style="width: 15%;" /> + +<p class="blockquot2">CAUTION—This play is fully protected under the copyright laws of the +United States, is subject to royalty, and any one presenting the play +without the consent of the author or his agents, will be liable to +penalty under the law. All applications for amateur performances must be +made to <span class="smcap">Samuel French</span>, 28-30 West 38th Street, New York City. +</p> + + +<hr style="width: 15%;" /> +<p class="fm3"><i>ALL RIGHTS RESERVED</i></p> +<p><br /></p> + +<table summary="PUBLISHERS"> +<tr> +<td class="tdc"><b><span class="smcap">New York</span></b></td> +<td class="tdc"><b>|</b></td> +<td class="tdc"><b><span class="smcap">London.</span></b></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdc"><b>SAMUEL FRENCH</b></td> +<td class="tdc"><b>|</b></td> +<td class="tdc"><b>SAMUEL FRENCH, <span class="smcap">Ltd</span>.</b></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdc"><b>PUBLISHER</b></td> +<td class="tdc"><b>|</b></td> +<td class="tdc"><b>26 <span class="smcap">Southampton St</span>,</b></td> +</tr> +<tr> +<td class="tdc"><b>28-30 WEST <span class="smcap">38th</span> STREET</b></td> +<td class="tdc"><b>|</b></td> +<td class="tdc"><b>STRAND</b></td> +</tr> +</table> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[3]</a></span></p> + +<p>"The crescendo of quarrel is most skilfully and drolly arranged;— +scene on classic lines boldly challenging and, what is more, maintaining +comparison with Sheridan." Mr. A. B. Walkley—The London Times.</p> + +<p>"This new play, by Mr. Henry Arthur Jones, at The Haymarket, is surely +as good a comedy as he has ever written.</p> + +<p>I should say, in evaluating Mr. Jones, that his greatest asset is his +humor. We are grateful that Mr. Jones has that comfortable gift which +prevents him from dancing on us—that gift of humor whereby he is +content to take us just as we are.</p> + +<p>No playwright is more joyously observant than Mr. Jones; and none +observes more accurately, in the milieu that he has chosen. Other +playwrights may create more salient and memorable figures. But none of +them creates figures so lifelike as Mr. Jones.</p> + +<p>Nor is any one of them so fine a craftsman. We are not made conscious of +it while the play is in progress. From the very outset, we are aware +merely of certain ladies and gentlemen behaving with apparent freedom +and naturalness. It is only when the play is over that we notice the art +of it. The verisimilitude of "Dolly Reforming Herself" is all the more +admirable because the play is founded on a philosophic question, and in +the whole course of it there is not a scene, not a character (not even +the butler's character), that is not strictly and logically relevant to +this question. The whole fabric is wrought in a tight and formal +pattern, yet the effect of it is as life itself. The question in point +is "Can<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[4]</a></span> we cure ourselves of our bad habits?" and the answer is worked +not through a story, but simply through the behavior of a few people in +a country-house.</p> + +<p>The central scene of the play, however, is the scene between Dolly and +her husband. The whole scene is delightful, worked out with the finest +sense of dramatic rhythm: a truly great comic scene, of which Mr. Jones +may well be proud."</p> + +<p><span style="margin-left: 2em;">Mr. Max Beerbohm—The Saturday Review.</span></p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[5]</a></span></p> +<h3><a name="TO_MISS_ETHEL_IRVING" id="TO_MISS_ETHEL_IRVING"></a>TO MISS ETHEL IRVING</h3> + + +<p>My Dear Miss Irving,</p> + +<p>Will you accept the dedication of this little comedy, whose success at +the Haymarket was so largely due to your fine and sincere performance of +Dolly?</p> + +<p class="author"> +<span style="padding-right: 15.0em;">Faithfully yours<br /></span> +<br /> +<span style="padding-right: 10.5em;">Henry Arthur Jones.<br /></span></p> + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[6]</a></span></p> + +<p class="blockquot">The following is a copy of the original cast of "Dolly Reforming +Herself" produced at the Haymarket Theatre, on Tuesday, November 3rd., 1908.</p> + +<p class="fm2">CAST.</p> + +<p class="blockquot"> +<i>Harry Telfer</i> (Dolly's Husband) <span class="smcap">Mr. Robert Loraine</span><br /> +<i>Matthew Barron</i> (Dolly's Father) <span class="smcap">Mr. C. M. Lowne</span><br /> +<i>Captain Lucas Wentworth</i> (Dolly's Cousin) <span class="smcap">Mr. Charles R. Maude</span><br /> +<i>Professor Sturgess</i> <span class="smcap">Mr. E. Lyall Swete</span><br /> +<i>The Rev. James Pilcher</i> (Vicar of Crookbury) <span class="smcap">Mr. Herbert Bunston</span><br /> +<i>Criddle</i> <span class="smcap">Mr. Gilbert Porteous</span><br /> +<i>Mrs. Harry Telfer</i> (Dolly) <span class="smcap">Miss Ethel Irving</span><br /> +<i>Mrs. Sturgess</i> (Renie) <span class="smcap">Miss Margaret Halstan</span><br /> +<i>Peters</i> (Dolly's Maid) <span class="smcap">Miss Ada Webster</span><br /> +</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<!-- Autogenerated TOC. Modify or delete as required. --> +<p class="center"><a href="#ACT_I"><b>ACT I.</b></a></p> +<p class="center"><a href="#ACT_II"><b>ACT II.</b></a></p> +<p class="center"><a href="#ACT_III"><b>ACT III.</b></a></p> +<p class="center"><a href="#ACT_IV"><b>ACT IV.</b></a></p> +<!-- End Autogenerated TOC. --> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[7]</a></span></p> +<h3>PERSONS REPRESENTED.</h3> + + +<p> +<span class="smcap">Harry Telfer</span> (Dolly's husband).<br /> +<span class="smcap">Matthew Barron</span> (Dolly's father).<br /> +<span class="smcap">Captain Lucas Wentworth</span> (Dolly's cousin).<br /> +<span class="smcap">Professor Sturgess</span>.<br /> +<span class="smcap">The Reverend James Pilcher</span> (Vicar of Crookbury.)<br /> +<span class="smcap">Criddle</span>.<br /> +<br /> +<span class="smcap">Mrs. Harry Telfer</span> (Dolly).<br /> +<span class="smcap">Mrs. Sturgess</span> (Renie).<br /> +<span class="smcap">Peters</span> (Dolly's maid).<br /> +</p> + + +<p>ACT I.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Scene.</span>—<span class="smcap">The Drawing-Room at Harry Telfer's, The Gables, Crookbury Green, +Surrey.</span></p> + +<p><i>Time</i>—<span class="smcap">The afternoon of 1st January, 1907.</span></p> + + +<p>ACT II.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Scene.</span>—<span class="smcap">The same.</span></p> + +<p><i>Time</i>—<span class="smcap">After dinner on the same day.</span></p> + +<p>ACT III.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Scene.</span>—<span class="smcap">The same.</span></p> + +<p><i>Time</i>—<span class="smcap">Later on the same night.</span></p> + + +<p>ACT IV.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Scene.</span>—<span class="smcap">The same.</span></p> + +<p><i>Time</i>—<span class="smcap">The +<a name="corr1" id="corr1"></a><a class="correction" href="#cn1" title="changed from 'Afternoon'">afternoon</a> +of 1st January, 1908.</span></p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[8]</a></span></p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[9]</a></span></p> +<h2>Dolly Reforming Herself</h2> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h3><a name="ACT_I" id="ACT_I"></a>ACT I.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Scene</span>: <i>Drawing-room at</i> <span class="smcap">Harry Telfer's</span>, <i>The Gables, Crookbury Green, +Surrey. A well-furnished room in a modern red brick country house. At +the back, a little to the right, is a door leading into the hall. All +along the right side is a glass partition, showing a conservatory which +is entered by glass doors, one up stage, the other down. On the left +side is a large fireplace. At the back, in the centre, is a handsome +writing-desk with a shut down flap lid. Above the fireplace, facing the +audience is a large sofa. To the right of sofa, and below it in the left +centre of the room is a small table, and near to it an easy chair. Right +centre down stage is a larger table.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Time</span>: <i>The afternoon of</i> <span class="smcap">1st</span> <i>January</i>, 1907.</p> + +<p><i>Discover at +writing-table, back to audience</i>, <span class="smcap">Dolly Telfer</span>, <i>a bright little woman +about thirty, busied with bills and papers. Bending over her, back to +audience, is her father</i>, <span class="smcap">Matt Barron</span>, <i>a pleasant-looking, easy-going +cynic of sixty.</i> <span class="smcap">Harry Telfer</span>, <span class="smcap">Dolly's</span> <i>husband, an ordinary +good-natured, weakish, impulsive Englishman about thirty-five, is +standing with his back to the fire. Sitting on sofa, reading a +scientific book, is</i> <span class="smcap">Professor<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[10]</a></span></span> <span class="smcap">Sturgess</span>, <i>a hard, dry, narrow, fattish +scientific man about forty-five. At the table, right, reading a French +novel, is</i> <span class="smcap">Renie Sturgess</span>, <i>the Professor's wife, a tall, dark, handsome +woman about thirty</i>.</p> + + +<p><i>Harry</i>. No, I can't say that I pay very much attention to sermons as a +rule, but Pilcher gave us a regular downright, no-mistake-about-it, +rouser at the Watch-night Service last night.</p> + +<p><i>Matt</i>. [<i>Turning round</i>.] I wonder what precise difference this rousing +sermon will make in the conduct of any person who heard it.</p> + +<p><i>Harry</i>. Well, it's going to make a lot of difference in my conduct. At +least, I won't say a lot of difference, because I don't call myself a +very bad sort of fellow, do you?</p> + +<p><i>Matt</i>. N-o—No——</p> + +<p><i>Harry</i>. At any rate I'm a thundering good husband, ain't I, Dolly? +[<span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>takes no notice</i>.] And I've got no flagrant vices. But I've got +a heap of—well a heap of selfish little habits, such as temper, and so +on, and for the coming year I'm going to knock them all off.</p> + +<p><i>Matt</i>. That will be a score for Pilcher—that is, if you do knock them +off.</p> + +<p><i>Harry</i>. Oh, I'm thoroughly resolved! I promised Dolly last night, +didn't I, Dolly? [<span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>takes no notice</i>.] Dolly too! Dolly was awfully +impressed by the sermon, weren't you, Dolly?</p> + +<p><i>Matt</i>. [<i>Looking round at</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly's</span> <i>back</i>.] Dolly was awfully +impressed?</p> + +<p><i>Harry</i>. Yes. Before we went to bed she gave me her word, that if I'd +give her a little help, she'd pay off all her bills, and live within her +allowance for the future, didn't you, Dolly?</p> + +<p><i>Matt</i>. Well, that will be another score for Pilcher—that is, if Dolly +does live within her allowance.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[11]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Oh, Dolly means it this time, don't you Dolly?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Turns round on her stool, bills in hand.</i>] I think it's +disgraceful!</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> What?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> These tradespeople! [<i>Comes down to</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span>.] I'm almost sure +I've paid this bill once—if not twice. Then there's a mistake of thirty +shillings in the addition—you're good at figures, Dad. Do add that up +for me. My head is so muddled.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Giving the bill to</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span>.</p></div> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Aren't you glad, Doll, that you made that resolution not to +have any more bills?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> It will be heavenly! To go about all day with the blessed +thought that I don't owe a farthing to anybody. It's awful!</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Crunching a bill in her hand, and throwing it on to +writing-table.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Cheer up, little woman! You don't owe such a very alarming +amount, do you?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Oh no! Oh <i>no</i>! And if you'll only help me as you promised——</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> We'll go thoroughly into it by-and-by. In fact I did mean to +give you a pleasant little Christmas surprise, and pay off all your +debts.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Oh, you angel! But why didn't you do it?</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> I've done it so often! You remember the last time?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Making a wry face.</i>] Yes, I remember the last time.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> And here we are again!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Oh, don't talk like a clown!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> But, my dear Dolly, here we are again.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Well, I haven't got the money sense! I simply haven't got it! I +was born without it!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[12]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Hands her the bill.</i>] The addition is quite correct.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Taking the bill.</i>] You're sure? Then I'm convinced I've paid +it! [<i>Looking at bill.</i>] Yes! +Thirty-four, seven, six. Professor +Sturgess——</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> [<i>Looks up from his book</i>] Yes?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> You understand all about psychology and the way our brains +work.</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> I've given my entire life to their study, but I cannot claim +that I understand them.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> But wouldn't you say——</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> What?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> I'm morally certain I've paid this bill.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Have you got the receipt?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> No! I must have mislaid it.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> When, and where did you pay it?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> I cannot recall the exact circumstances. And now——</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> And now——?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Fulks and Garner have sent me a most impertinent note +requesting immediate payment.</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> What is the particular brain process that you wish me to +explain?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> How do you account for my having the most vivid impression that +I've paid it—so vivid that I cannot shake it off?</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> Well—a——</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Isn't it an instance of that obscure operation of the feminine +mind whereby the merest wish becomes an accomplished fact?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> My dear Dad, I actually remember the exact amount: +<a name="corr2" id="corr2"></a><a class="correction" href="#cn2" title="changed from 'thirt-four'">thirty-four</a>, +seven, six. +Thirty-four, seven, six. I shall never enter Fulks and +Garnet's shop again!</p> + +<hr style="width: 45%;" /> + +<p><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Criddle</span>. [<i>Announces</i>.] Captain Wentworth!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[13]</a></span></p> + +<div class="blockquot"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Captain Lucas Wentworth</span>, <i>a good-looking smart young army man +about thirty. He is in riding-clothes. Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Criddle</span>. <i>At</i> <span class="smcap">Captain +Wentworth's</span> <i>entrance</i> <span class="smcap">Renie</span> <i>shows keen interest, throws him a secret +glance as he goes to shake hands with</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly</span>.</div> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Ah, Lu! What, over again! Happy New Year once more!</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Same to you. [<i>Shaking hands.</i>] Happy New Year, everybody! Good +afternoon, Harry!</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Nodding to</i> <span class="smcap">Harry</span>.</p></div> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Ditto, Lu.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Ah, Uncle Matt! Happy New Year!</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Shaking hands.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Happy New Year, Lucas!</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Good afternoon, Mrs. Sturgess.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Shaking hands with</i> <span class="smcap">Renie</span>.</p></div> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Good afternoon.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> None the worse for your outing last night, I hope?</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Oh no, I'm sure Mr. Pilcher's sermon ought to make us all very +much better.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> May I introduce you to Professor Sturgess—my cousin Captain +Wentworth.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> How d'ye do?</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> How d'ye do?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> So you came over to the Watch-night Service, I hear?</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Yes! I'd nothing much better to do, and Dolly was cracking up +this new parson of yours, so I thought I'd jog over and sample him.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> A dozen miles over here at midnight; an hour's service in a cold +church; and a dozen miles back to Aldershot, in the sleet and snow. I +hope the sermon thoroughly braced you up!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[14]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> It did. It made me feel just as good as I knew how to be.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Here's another score for Pilcher!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Dad, I think it's shocking bad taste of you to keep on sneering +at Mr. Pilcher!</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> I'm not sneering. I'm only curious to follow up this wonderful +sermon, and trace its results on all of you.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Well, you can see its results. [<span class="smcap">Lucas</span> <i>has got near to</i> <span class="smcap">Renie</span>, +<i>stands with his back to her, takes out a letter from his coat-tail +pocket, holds it out for her to take. She takes it, pops it in her +novel, and goes on reading. He moves away from her.</i>] Take only our own +family. Harry and I both have turned over a new leaf. Renie, you said +Mr. Pilcher had set you thinking deeply——</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Yes, dear, very deeply.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Lu, you said the sermon had done you a lot of good.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Heaps! I won't say I'm going to set up for a saint straight +off, because—well—I'm not so sure I could bring it off, even if I +tried——</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> That's what holds me back, my wretched nervous fear that I +shouldn't bring it off. Still, in justice to Pilcher, I hope you're not +going to let his sermon be wasted.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Oh, no! My first spare five minutes I'm going to brisk about, +and do a bit of New Year's tidying up.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>He is standing over</i> <span class="smcap">Renie</span>, <i>who has opened his letter in her +novel; he again exchanges a secret look of understanding with her, +and makes a sign to her to go into the conservatory.</i></p></div> + +<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Criddle</span>.</p></div> + +<p><i>Criddle.</i> [<i>Announcing.</i>] Mr. Pilcher!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[15]</a></span></p> + +<div class="blockquot"><i>Enter the</i> <span class="smcap">Reverend James Pilcher</span>, <i>a big, strong, bright, genial, +manly, hearty English parson about forty. Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Criddle</span>.</div> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> How d'ye do? [<i>Shaking hands.</i></p> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> How d'ye do? Happy New Year, once more! Happy New Year, Mr. +Barron!</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Shaking hands.</i>] A happy New Year.</p> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> How do again, Telfer?</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> How are you?</p> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Good morning, Mrs. Sturgess.</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Good morning.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>At</i> <span class="smcap">Pilcher's</span> <i>entrance she has hidden her French novel behind +her in the chair. In shaking hands with</i> <span class="smcap">Pilcher</span> <i>it drops on to +the floor and</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas's</span> <i>letter drops out.</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span> <i>goes to pick it +up,</i> <span class="smcap">Mr. Pilcher</span> <i>is before him, picks up the novel and letter and +hands them to</i> <span class="smcap">Renie</span>. <i>In taking them she shows some confusion.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> [<i>Genially.</i>] Improving the New Year by getting a thorough +knowledge of Parisian life and manners, I see.</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Confused.</i>] No!—I had begun the book a week ago and so I +thought—a—I'd better finish it.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Good morning, Mr. Pilcher.</p> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> [<i>Shaking hands.</i>] Good morning.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Rattling good sermon you gave us last night.</p> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> I'm glad you thought it worth coming so far to hear.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Not at all. Jolly well worth coming for, eh, Mrs. Sturgess?</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>With a sly little look and shake of the head at</i> <span class="smcap">Renie</span>.</p></div> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> I thoroughly enjoyed it!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[16]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> [<i>A little surprised.</i>] Enjoyed it! Now I meant to make you +all very uncomfortable!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Oh, you gave us a good shaking up, and we deserved it! I don't +think you've met Professor Sturgess?</p> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> [<i>Advancing to</i> <span class="smcap">Professor</span>.] No, but I've read his book, "Man, +the Automaton."</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> [<i>Bowing.</i>] Not with disapproval, I trust?</p> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> [<i>Shaking hands very cordially.</i>] With the most profound +disapproval, with boundless, uncompromising dissent and antagonism!</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> I'm sorry!</p> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Why, you deny that man has any vestige of free will.</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> Certainly. The longer I live, the more I'm convinced that free +will is a purely subjective illusion.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Do you mean that when I will to do a certain thing I can't do +it? Oh, that's absurd. For instance, I will to go and touch that chair! +[<i>She goes and touches it.</i>] There! [<i>Triumphantly.</i>] I've done it! That +shows I've got free will. [<i>The</i> <span class="smcap">Professor</span> <i>shakes his head.</i>] Well, +then how did I do it?</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> I affirm that your willing to touch that chair or not to touch +it, your actual touching it, or not touching it; your possession or +non-possession of a criminal impulse——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> I haven't any criminal impulses——</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> [<i>Shakes his head and goes on.</i>] Your yielding to that criminal +impulse or your not yielding to it—all these states of consciousness +are entirely dependent upon the condition, quantity and arrangement of +certain atoms in the gray matter of your brain. You think, you will, you +act according as that gray matter works. You did not cause or make that +condition of the atoms of your gray matter, therefore you are not +responsible for thinking or acting in this<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[17]</a></span> way or that, seeing that +your thoughts, and your actions, and that direction of your impulses +which you call your will, are all precisely determined and regulated by +the condition and arrangement of these minute atoms of your gray matter!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Has at first listened with great attention, but has grown +bewildered as the</i> <span class="smcap">Professor</span> <i>goes on.</i>] I don't care anything about my +gray matter! I've quite made up my mind I won't have any more bills!</p> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> [<i>Turning to</i> <span class="smcap">Renie</span>.] Does Mrs. Sturgess agree with the +Professor's doctrine?</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> No, indeed! To say that we're mere machines—it's horrid.</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> The question is not whether it's horrid, but whether it's true.</p> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> What do you think, Mr. Barron?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> It's a very nutty and knotty problem. I'm watching to see Dolly +and Harry solve it!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> See us solve it! How?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> You and Harry heard a most thrilling, soul-stirring sermon last +night.</p> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> You had good hearsay accounts of my sermon?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Excellent! I should have heard it myself, but I've reached an +age when it would be dangerous to give up any of my old and cherished +bad habits. So in place of going to church and selfishly reforming +myself, I shall have to be content with watching Dolly and Harry reform +themselves.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Don't take any notice of him, Mr. Pilcher, he's the most +cynical, hardened reprobate! I have to blush for him a hundred times a +day.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<span class="smcap">Renie</span> <i>strolls casually into conservatory by lower door.</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span> +<i>casually follows her.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> And in order to settle once and for all this vexed question of +free will and moral responsibility,<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[18]</a></span> I'll bet you, Harry, a simple +fiver, and I'll bet you Dolly, a new Parisian hat, and half a dozen +pairs of gloves that you won't live up to your good resolutions, and +that on next New Year's Day you'll neither of you be one ha'penny the +better for all the wise counsels Mr. Pilcher gave you last night.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> A fiver! Done!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> I'll take you, too! In fact, I'll double it; two new Parisian +hats, and a dozen pairs of gloves!</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Done, my dear!</p> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> I hope I sha'n't be accused of talking shop if I venture to +recall that betting was one of the bad habits I especially warned my +congregation against, last night!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> By Jove, yes—I'd forgotten all about that! Of course, if you +wish us to cry off——</p> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Well, not exactly. I might perhaps suggest an alternative +plan which was tried with great success in my late parish——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> What was that?</p> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> A very capital good fellow—an auctioneer and land surveyor, +my churchwarden in fact, by name Jobling—found that in spite of +constant good resolutions, certain small vices were gradually creeping +upon him. There was an occasional outburst of temper to his clerks, an +occasional half glass too much; and on one lamentable market day, he +actually discovered himself using bad language to Mrs. Jobling——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Looking at</i> <span class="smcap">Harry</span>.] Oh! Ah!</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Jobling's gray matter can't have been in good working order.</p> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> We corrected that! We got his gray matter under control.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> How?</p> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> My Christmas Blanket Club happened to be on the road to +bankruptcy. By the way, our<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[19]</a></span> Blanket Club here is in low water. Well, I +gave Jobling a small box with a hole at the top sufficiently large to +admit half a crown. And I suggested that whenever he was betrayed into +one of these little slips, he should fine himself for the benefit of my +Blanket Club——</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Good business! Dolly, where's that collecting-box they sent us +from the Hospital for Incurables?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> In the cupboard in the next room.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Right-o! No time like the present! [<i>Exit.</i>]</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> And how did you get out of this dilemma?</p> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Dilemma?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Did your Blanket Club remain in bankruptcy, or what must have +been an even more distressing alternative to you, did Jobling continue +to use bad language to his wife?</p> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> We struck a happy medium. My Blanket Club balance was +considerably augmented, and Jobling's behaviour considerably improved +under the stress of the fines.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><i>Re-enter</i> <span class="smcap">Harry</span> <i>with an old, dusty collecting-box on which is printed +in large letters, "County Hospital for Incurables."</i></div> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Placing the box on the table.</i>] There! My name's Jobling for +the present! By Jove! that was a very neat idea of yours.</p> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Ah, by the way, I didn't give you Jobling's tariff——</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Tariff?</p> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Jobling's tariff for a mild little profanity like "By Jove," +was a mere sixpence.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Oh! [<i>Feels in his pocket.</i></p> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Of course you needn't adopt Jobling's scale.</p> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[20]</a></span></p> +<p><i>Harry.</i> Oh yes! I'll toe the mark! [<i>Takes six pence out of his pocket +and puts it in his box.</i>] I'm determined I'll cure myself of all these +bad little tricks——</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly</span>, <i>pointing to the money-box.</i>] Are you going to +contribute?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Snappishly.</i>] Perhaps, when I've paid off my bills.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Pilcher</span>.] Will you kindly let my daughter have your lowest +tariff for ladies?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Oh, please don't be in such a hurry. What about your own +contribution? Mr. Pilcher, I hope you don't intend to let my father +escape.</p> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> I understood Mr. Barron was prepared to risk a five-pound +note that you and Mr. Telfer will not carry your New Year resolutions +into practice?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> With the almost certain chance of drawing a five-pound note from +Harry and a new hat from Dolly.</p> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> I'm afraid I can't hold out those inducements. But I can +offer you the very pleasing alternatives of chuckling over your +daughter's and Mr. Telfer's lapses, or of contributing five pounds to an +excellent charity!</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> H'm! Well I'll do my best to oblige you, Mr. Pilcher! Let me +see!</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Looking round, his eye falls on</i> <span class="smcap">Renie</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span> <i>who, at the +beginning of the above conversation have gone into conservatory at +lower door, and now come out again at upper door. She has a +hot-house flower in her hand, and they are eagerly absorbed in +their conversation. The</i> <span class="smcap">Professor</span> <i>talking to</i> <span class="smcap">Harry</span> <i>and not +noticing.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Becoming aware that</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>is watching them.</i>] Yes, that +arrangement of the stamens is quite unusual. It's what the gardener +calls a "sport"—<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[21]</a></span>—</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> [<i>Examining the flower.</i>] Jolly good sport, too!</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> I'm not sure that we haven't even better sport here——</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Coming to him.</i>] Sport? What sport? Can we join?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> That's just what I was going to propose. There are four of you +here, who heard Mr. Pilcher's excellent discourse last night. And you +are all determined to turn over a new leaf this year. Isn't that so?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> I know I am.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Mrs. Sturgess?</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Yes, indeed!</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Lucas, you?</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Yes, Uncle.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> On the first of January next, I am prepared to put a sovereign +in that money-box for every one of you who can honestly declare that he +has broken himself or herself of his bad habits during the year.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> I say, not all our bad habits?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> H'm. I don't wish to be exacting—I've no doubt each of +<a name="corr3" id="corr3"></a><a class="correction" href="#cn3" title="word was missing in original">you</a> +has his own little failing or weakness. Well, come to me and say on your +honour that you've conquered this or that pet special weakness—and in +goes my sovereign.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> You don't really mean it?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Indeed I do. I hope you won't stand out and—spoil sport, eh?</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Oh, I don't mind coming in—just for the lark of the thing.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Then you all agree?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Oh yes.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Certainly.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Mrs. Sturgess?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[22]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> We don't know where we may be next Christmas.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> You'll be here with us. I invite you on the spot. You accept?</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Yes, delighted, if my husband——</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> Very pleased.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Well, Mr. Pilcher, I think I've made your Blanket Club a very +handsome offer.</p> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Very handsome. [<i>Taking out watch.</i>] I hope our friends will +cordially respond, for the sake of my Blanket Club.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> You'll stay for a cup of tea?</p> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> I've heaps of New Year's calls to make. I'm afraid I must be +going; good afternoon, Professor!</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> Good afternoon.</p> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Good afternoon, Telfer.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Good afternoon.</p> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Good-bye, Mrs. Sturgess.</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Good-bye. So many thanks for your eloquent sermon.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Shaking hands.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Pitcher.</i> Now, was I eloquent? I suppose I was, since I've produced +such an invigorating New Year atmosphere.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<span class="smcap">Renie</span> <i>moves her French +novel.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> And brought Lucas over from Aldershot in the snow!</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Rather! I shall come again next year.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Shaking hands.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Do. And then we shall be able to estimate the effect of my +eloquence.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Tapping the money-box.</i>] We shall!</p> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Good-bye, Mrs. Telfer.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Good-bye. [<i>Rings bell.</i></p> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Good-bye, Mr. Barron.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Good-bye.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[23]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> You might be inclined to risk a sovereign on yourself for the +Blanket Club?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> I daren't. I can't trust my gray matter—I should make a +dreadful fiasco.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<span class="smcap">Criddle</span> <i>appears at door.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Mrs. Telfer, I leave him in your hands.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Pilcher.</span> <span class="smcap">Criddle</span> <i>closes the door after him.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Dolly, I don't mind having that new Parisian hat on with you.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Done! I don't mind how much I punish you.</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> [<i>Taking out his watch.</i>] Half past three, my dear.</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> I don't think I'll go out this afternoon.</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> Oh, you'd better take your little constitutional. You missed it +yesterday. I'm sure your restlessness is due to your not taking regular +exercise.</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Which way are you going? [<i>Yawning.</i></p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> My usual round, up to the White House and back by the fish-pond.</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Perhaps I'll join you at the fish-pond.</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> [<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Matt.</span>] Nothing like living by rule and measure.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> I shouldn't wonder. I've never tried it.</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> I ascribe my constant good health and contentment to my +unvarying routine of work and diet and exercise. [<i>Exit.</i></p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Then where do my constant good health and contentment come from?</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Dolly, I left my evening kit here. Could you put me up for the +night?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Delighted! You'll make up our rubber.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Right!</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Not going to ride back to Aldershot again to-night?</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Not to-night, thank you.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[24]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Just a shade too bracing, eh?</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Just a shade! Dolly, I haven't seen your new fish-pond. Is +anybody going to meet the Professor?</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Glancing at</i> <span class="smcap">Renie.</span></p></div> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> I am. [<i>Linking his arm in</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas's.</span>] We'll get into an +unvarying routine of exercise for the next hour. Come along!</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Takes</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span> <i>off as he is exchanging a look with</i> <span class="smcap">Renie</span>. <span class="smcap">Renie</span> +<i>makes to follow them, stops at door, turns back a little, stops, +takes out</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas's</span> <i>letter from her French novel, goes to fire and +reads it. Meanwhile the following scene takes place between</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly</span> +<i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Harry.</span></p></div> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly.</span>] Now, Dolly, we can go through your bills.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Going +to her writing-desk.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes. Hadn't I better sort them out first?</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Taking up bills.</i>] Oh, I'll help you sort them out——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Take care! You'll muddle all my papers. [<i>Taking bills out of +his hands, and closing down the writing-desk.</i>] I want to have a little +talk with Renie—you'd better join them at the fish-pond.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Well, so long as you do get them sorted, and squared up. What +about after tea?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> All right. After tea.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> After tea. We'll have a nice cosy half-hour, all to ourselves, +and sweep them all out of our minds.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>With a gesture.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Nods cheerfully.</i>] Yes, a nice cosy half-hour and sweep them +all out of our minds. [<i>With his gesture. Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Harry</span> <i>briskly. She +repeats his gesture.</i>] <span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[25]</a></span> +Sweep them all out of our minds. [<i>Opening desk +and regarding bills with dismay.</i>] Oh, don't I wish I could! Oh, Renie!</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<span class="smcap">Renie</span> <i>is busy with her letter at the fire.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Puts letter into pocket.</i>] What is it?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Has taken up one or two bills.</i>] These bills! These awful +bills! These vampires!</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Yes, dear! I suppose it's rather dreadful, but it must be sweet +to have a dear, kind husband who'll pay them all off.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Harry? He made a dreadful fuss last time. And then I didn't +show him all.</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Well, dear, after all, it's only bills——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Only bills! Only? Well, I'm going to show him every one this +time. And what a lesson it shall be to me! That's why I'm so grateful to +Mr. Pilcher.</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Why?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yesterday afternoon I thought I'd screw up my courage to go +through the bills just to see where I was. My dear, I was paralysed! I +had the most appalling time! Well, Mr. Pilcher's sermon came just in the +nick of time. I thought "what an idiot I must be to endure all this +misery just for want of a little resolution."</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Mr. Pilcher's sermon came just in the nick of time for me too.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Did it?</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> I had an awful afternoon yesterday!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> You?! You haven't any bills?</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> No! [<i>Sighs.</i>] I almost wish I had.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Wish you had?!</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> I almost envy you the delicious experience of having to +confess——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes dear, you always were fond of scenes, but I'm not!</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> And then the heavenly feeling of being forgiven, and taken in +the arms of the man you love!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[26]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes, that part of it is all right. It's what comes before——</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>With a little shudder.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> After all, your husband isn't a machine. He is a human being!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Oh, Harry's a perfect dear in most things, but he has got a +temper!</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> My husband never even swears at me! Oh, Dolly, you are lucky!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Hum!</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Oh, Dolly—— [<i>Sighs and goes away.</i></p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Is anything the matter?</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> No dear. Nothing, except—oh, life is so hard! so hard!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Renie, if you're in trouble——</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Thank you, dear. I knew you'd help me.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes, so long as it isn't money. And even then I'd help you, +only I can't.</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> It isn't money.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Then what is it?</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Looking at</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>curiously.</i>] I wonder if you would +understand.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> I'll do my best.</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> It's such a strange story. [<i>Moving away,</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>makes a +little dubious grimace behind her back.</i> <span class="smcap">Renie</span> <i>suddenly comes up to</i> +<span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>very effusively.</i>] Dolly, I will trust you. You know I thoroughly +admire and honour my husband.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>A little startled.</i>] Ye-es.</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> You know that nothing could ever induce me to wrong him for a +moment?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> No——</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Nothing could be further from my thoughts.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> No—but is there anybody—Renie, who is it?</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Give me your sacred promise you'll never breathe a word to any +living soul?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[27]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Not a word—who is it?</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Not even to your husband?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Not even to my husband.</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Nor to him?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Him? No, of course not. Who is it?</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Well, dear, you know what my life has been. Few women have met +with so little real sympathy as I. Few women have suffered——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> No, dear. Who is it? Do I know him?</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Your cousin Lucas has a deep and sincere admiration for me.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Lu!? Lu!? Of course! I might have known he'd never ride a dozen +miles in the snow for a sermon! It's disgraceful of him!</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> No, dear, he's not to blame. We are neither of us to blame.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Contemptuously.</i>] Oh! Why you haven't known him a month, have +you?</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> I met him for the first time in this room three weeks ago last +Thursday afternoon.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> It's a great pity the Professor didn't come down with you.</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> That would have made no difference. It had to be!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> What had to be? Renie, how far has this gone? You've been +meeting him alone——</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Once or twice.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> You've slipped away every afternoon this week.</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> However often I may have met him, he has offered me nothing but +the most chivalrous attention. He has always respected me——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Well then, he mustn't respect you any more. It must be stopped.</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Dolly, I didn't expect you to take up this attitude.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[28]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> You don't suppose I'm going to have this sort of thing in my +own house, do you?</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> What sort of thing?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Do you remember the awful row I got into at school when your +boy's love letter was discovered in the Banbury cakes you'd persuaded me +to take in for you?</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> But you received Banbury cakes of your own!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Not since I've been married. Of course before your marriage +your outrageous flirting didn't much matter——</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Outrageous flirting?—If I seemed to flirt——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Seemed?!</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> It was only in the vain hope of meeting with one who could +offer me the perfect homage that I have always felt would one day be +mine.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Well, he mustn't offer it here! I shall tell him so very +plainly. He'd better not stay to dinner.</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> There is no reason Captain Wentworth should not stay to dinner. +He has given me the one absolutely blameless unselfish devotion of his +life. I've accepted it on that distinct understanding. I've trusted you +with my secret, a secret honourable alike to Captain Wentworth and +myself. You've promised not to breathe a word to any living soul. You +surely don't mean to break your word?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> I don't mean to stand the racket of your Banbury cakes.</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> I didn't expect you to be so unsympathetic. You promised to +help me!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Help you! How did you expect me to help you?</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> My husband has to go to Edinburgh next week to give a course of +lectures there.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[29]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Well?</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> He wants me to go with him. Dearest, it would be perfectly +sweet of you to ask me to stay on another fortnight here.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Makes a little movement of indignant surprise.</i>] I see!</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> There could be no possible harm in it now that you know our +attachment is quite innocent and that you can look after me every +moment. Dearest, you might oblige me in a tiny little matter like this.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>After a pause.</i>] I'll think it over——</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Thank you so much.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Renie, you said Mr. Pilcher's sermon came just in the nick of +time——</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> So it did.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> You don't call this the "nick of time"?!</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Yes, indeed. I went to church in a perfect fever. I didn't know +what to do. Well, as I listened to Mr. Pilcher everything became quite +clear to me. I resolved I would accept Captain Wentworth's pure +unselfish devotion and make it a lever to raise all my ideals and +aspirations!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> But there wasn't anything in Mr. Pilcher's sermon about——</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Oh yes, there was a lot about ideals and aspirations.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes, but not the sort of aspirations you have for Lucas. I +suppose you know he makes love to every woman he comes across?</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> He told me he had been led into one or two unworthy +attachments.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes! That's quite right. So he has! One or two!</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> That was before he met me.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes, and this will be before he meets the next lady.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[30]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Looks at</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>severely.</i>] My dear Dolly, with your light +frivolous nature it is impossible for you to understand a pure and +exalted attachment like ours. Listen! [<i>Taking out a letter.</i>] This will +show you his fine nature, his fine feelings—"From the first moment I +saw you——"</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>enters.</i></div> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Putting letter in pocket.</i>] Well, have you had a +<a name="corr4" id="corr4"></a><a class="correction" href="#cn4" title="changed from 'plesant'">pleasant</a> +walk?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Very pleasant—and instructive. The Professor asked me to remind +you that he's waiting for you at the fish-pond.</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> I'd better go. I shall get a little lecture all to myself if I +don't. [<i>Going off, to</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly.</span>] Thank you, dear, so much for your kind +invitation to stay on!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Don't mention it!</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> I shall try to manage it. [<i>Exit.</i></p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes, I'm sure you will.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Mrs. Sturgess going to stay on?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> She wants me to invite her. But I won't if I can help it. +[<i>Goes to him suddenly.</i>] Dad!</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Well?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> That wretched Lucas!</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> What about him?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> No, I've promised her not to breathe a word. So you must guess. +[<i>Pause.</i>] Have you guessed?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>After a pause.</i>] Yes. Well, I—[<i>Begins to chuckle.</i>] So Lucas +is up to his old games!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> My own guest! Under my own roof! It's too horrid of him.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Chuckling.</i>] It is! It's too bad! The rascal.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Oh, it's more than half her fault! It's just like her!</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>suddenly bursts from a chuckle into a roar.</i></p></div><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[31]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> What are you laughing at?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> I've just left—— [<i>Chuckling.</i>] I've just left the Professor +down at the fish-pond explaining to Lucas all about his gray matter, +and—— [<i>Roars.</i></p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> I don't see anything to laugh at.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Twelve miles in the snow—— I say, Doll, we're making a +splendid start for the New Year! [<i>Laughing.</i></p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Dad! Will you please leave off? [<i>Shaking his shoulder.</i>] Will +you be serious?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Yes, my dear!! [<i>Pulling himself together and straightening his +features.</i>] Yes, I will. After all, it's a serious matter.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> It's very serious for me, in a neighbourhood like this!</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> It's serious for me, as I was Lucas's guardian. And it's serious +for him. If he goes and plays the fool, it may spoil his career—the +young ass!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Very well, then, will you please treat it seriously and set to +work and help me?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> How far have matters gone?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Oh, there's no real harm done at present.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> How do you know?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Oh, Lucas is writing her silly letters and she's talking about +his pure and exalted devotion, and making it a lever to raise all her +ideals and aspirations.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Shakes his head.</i>] That looks bad! That looks very dangerous +for her.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Oh, no; she knows how to take care of herself. But it's +dangerous for me!</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> How, dangerous for you?!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> If there's the least bit of scandal she'll contrive to drag me +into it! I know her so well.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Walking about, cogitating.</i>] Yes, and we mustn't let Lucas +make a mess of it.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> What can we do?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[32]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> When I was over at Aldershot last week Sir John said something +about giving Lucas an A. D. C. in India. I'll drive over to-morrow and +ask Sir John to pack Lucas out of the country for a year or two!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> That's a good idea. But it may take some time?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> A week or so, perhaps more.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> But if they find out they're going to be parted, it is just +this next week when there will be all the danger.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> That's true.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> They ought to be parted to-night.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> They ought! They ought! Not a doubt about it! Not a shadow of +doubt! They ought to be parted to-night!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Dad! I believe I can frighten Renie out of it.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Frighten her?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> I'll try! And you must take Lucas in hand——</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> H'm! Isn't Harry the right person——?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> No, I sha'n't tell Harry. Harry would only get into a temper +and muddle it. No, you must get Lucas to take himself off.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Take himself off!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> I won't have him here. You can tell him so. Be very severe with +him.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Dubious.</i>] H'm!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Take a very high tone.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> I'm not sure that taking a high tone is quite in my line.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Then please try it. Dad, you do realize how very serious this +is, don't you?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Yes, of course. Very well, I'll tackle Lucas. We'll see what a +high tone will do with him. Heigho! Sad! Sad!! Sad!!!—Sad! Sad!! +Sad!!!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[33]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Hush!</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><span class="smcap">Lucas</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Harry</span> <i>enter.</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span> <i>looks round for</i> <span class="smcap">Renie</span>. <span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>and</i> +<span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>talk in whispers as if settling a plan.</i> <span class="smcap">Harry</span> <i>goes up to the +collecting-box, takes out his knife and begins to scrape off the label.</i></div> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>In a very severe tone to</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span>, <i>who is peeping into +conservatory.</i>] Are you looking for anything?</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> I was wondering whether there was any tea going.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Same severe tone.</i>] The tea is not in the conservatory.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> No, but I thought it might be getting on to the +<a name="corr5" id="corr5"></a><a class="correction" href="#cn5" title="changed from 'time---- w'"> +time——</a></p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Same tone.</i>] The tea will be served in due course.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> [<i>Surprised at her tone.</i>] Is anything the matter?</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>looks at him severely, says nothing, turns to</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span>. <span class="smcap">Lucas</span> +<i>looks puzzled, goes away, and again looks furtively into +conservatory for</i> <span class="smcap">Renie</span>.</p></div> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Scraping away at the collecting-box.</i>] Don't forget, +Doll—our cosy half hour after tea——</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Nodding at the writing-desk.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> I won't forget.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Has come up behind</i> <span class="smcap">Harry</span>, <i>touches the arm he is scraping +with.</i>] Hospital for Incurables! I shouldn't scrape that off at present.</p> + +<p><br /></p> +<p class="center">CURTAIN.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[34]</a></span></p> +<p class="center">(<i>Four or five hours pass between Acts I and II.</i>)</p> + +<h3><a name="ACT_II" id="ACT_II"></a>ACT II.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Scene</span>: <i>The same, on the same evening, after dinner. The sofa is now +brought down below the fireplace, and fronts the audience a little +diagonally, its right end being farthest up stage. The small table with +the hospital box, and the easy chair are above the sofa, a little to the +right of it.</i></p> + +<div class="blockquot"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Renie</span>, <i>much distressed and agitated.</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>follows quickly, +closes the door cautiously and mysteriously.</i></div> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> But I don't understand. Captain Wentworth and I have been so +little together——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Well, my dear, there it is! My father is the last man to pry +into other people's affairs, but you see it has been forced upon his +notice. And from the tone he took——</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> What tone?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> He was very severe.</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Alarmed.</i>] But what did he say he had seen?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> He wouldn't go into particulars. He seemed very much upset——</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Upset?!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Perhaps I ought to say shocked.</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Shocked?!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> And when my father is shocked it must be something very +glaring——</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>More and more alarmed.</i>] But there hasn't been anything +glaring——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Well, dear, of course, you know.</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> But I cannot imagine—— [<i>Suddenly.</i>] It must have been that +day at the stile!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[35]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Perhaps. What happened? No, I don't wish to hear——</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Captain Wentworth assisted me over the stile——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Well?——</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> That's all. He may have taken a little longer about it than was +quite necessary, and I may have leaned a little heavier than the +circumstances required. But it was all done in perfectly good taste.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Shakes her head.</i>] It can't have been the stile.</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Then what——? [<i>Cudgels her brains.</i>] The dairy!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Very likely. Was that very—no, don't tell me——</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> There's nothing to tell. The woman at the farm, Mrs.——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Biggs——</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Biggs, asked me to go over her model dairy.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Did she ask Lucas?</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> He came. Mrs. Biggs insisted on our tasting her mince pies——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Mince pies—? Yes?</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> While she went to get one——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Get one——</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> She wasn't out of the dairy ten seconds——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> No—and then?</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Captain Wentworth—— a——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Respected you!</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Firing up.</i>] He is always most respectful! In the most +delicate, exquisitely chivalrous way, he implored me for one first and +only kiss, and just as I was refusing him, somebody passed the dairy +windows——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> My father often strolls that way——</p> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[36]</a></span></p> +<p><i>Renie.</i> But I was quite cold and correct—— [<i>Very anxiously.</i>] +Dolly, tell me exactly what Mr. Barron said?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> At first he was going to speak to you himself, but I said, "No, +that's my duty! I'm her oldest friend; I'll talk to her!"</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Ye—es?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> So, at last he consented, and said: "Very well. Be very firm +with her, because this sort of thing taking place under my very nose and +under my daughter's roof is what I cannot, and will not, tolerate for +one moment!"</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> He must have passed the dairy windows!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes.</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> And jumped to a wrong conclusion.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes. And that isn't the worst——</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Freshly alarmed.</i>] Not the worst?!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Now, don't be alarmed, dear——</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> About what?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Didn't you notice something strange in your husband's manner at +dinner?</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> No. What makes you think——?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> My dear, if my father noticed it, why not your husband? Suppose +all this time the Professor has been quietly, stealthily watching you +and Lucas.</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Alarmed.</i>] Dolly!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> And waiting his time——</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Oh, Dolly!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Didn't you notice how he insisted on your going to the +fish-pond?</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Yes, he did!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Didn't it strike you there was something in that?</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> No, and he hasn't said anything——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Of course not. Naturally he would hide his suspicions from you +till the right moment.</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Right moment?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[37]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Now, dear, you see how serious things are. You mustn't run any +more risks. This must be broken off to-night.</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> To-night?!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Now, what can I do to help you?</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> You might tell Mr. Barron there was nothing in the dairy +windows.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Of course I'll tell him, but if he saw——</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> But there was nothing. Absolutely nothing——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> No, dear. What else can I do?</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Could you find out exactly how much he has seen and heard, +and—a—pump him a little?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> I don't like pumping people—still—What else?</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Breaking down.</i>] Oh, Dolly, this blow could not have fallen +at a more cruel moment.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> No, dear.</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> It came just when I had lost all the illusions of girlhood, +when all my woman's nature began to cry out——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes—[<i>Suddenly.</i>] Hark! [<i>Listens.</i>] Hush!</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Creeps up to door, listens, opens it, looks out, closes it +again.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> What was it?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Hush! Voices! I thought it might be Lucas and the Professor +quarrelling.</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> I really don't think my husband suspects——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> No, I daresay it's only my imagination.</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> And if he did—Dolly, is there one man living, except my +husband, who would condemn me for being the object of a noble, +single-hearted devotion like Captain Wentworth's?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> No, dear, perhaps not. But, you see, as<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[38]</a></span> husbands they take +quite a different view of things from what they do merely as men.</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Tell me candidly, Dolly, you see nothing wrong in it, do you?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Well, dear, when you say wrong——</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> But I assure you there isn't—nothing could be further from my +thoughts.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> No, dear—still, people are so full of prejudice—now what can +I do?</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Clasping</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly's</span> <i>hand warmly.</i>] Oh, Dolly, you can help me +so much.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>A little alarmed.</i>] Can I? Tell me——</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> If Lucas and I are parted—— [<i>Breaks down.</i>] I can't bear it! +I can't bear it!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Try, dear! Try!</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Sobbing.</i>] I will. And if at any time I long to hear how he +bears our separation, you won't mind receiving a letter, and sending it +on to me?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> I'm afraid I couldn't do that, dear. You see, I'm so careless, +and if I left the letter about, and Harry found it—no, dear——</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> You won't help me?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes, dear, I'll do anything in my power! [<i>Suddenly.</i>] I'll +tell you what I can do!</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Yes?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> My father is telling Lucas he must leave to-night. Well, I can +spare you all the pain and misery of saying "Good-bye," and take one +last message to him.</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Curtly.</i>] No, thank you. It's most unkind of you to send him +away like this. I must see him alone before he goes.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Shakes her head.</i>] My father insists, and suppose Lucas feels +that he owes it to your reputation to go quietly——</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Without seeing me?!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[39]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> And suppose the Professor is really watching you——</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<span class="smcap">Renie</span> shows great perplexity. <span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>is watching her.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> If you don't see Lucas, what message shall I take him?</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Tell him how proud I am of his noble, unselfish devotion; tell +him I shall always look upon it as the one supreme happiness of my life +to have known him——</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><i>The</i> <span class="smcap">Professor</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Matthew</span> <i>enter. The</i> <span class="smcap">Professor</span> <i>has diagrams and +illustrations in his hand. Following the</i> <span class="smcap">Professor</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>are</i> +<span class="smcap">Harry</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas. Lucas</span>, <i>after a little time, comes up to</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>and</i> +<span class="smcap">Renie</span>, <i>who are seated on sofa. The</i> <span class="smcap">Professor</span> <i>is speaking to</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>as +he enters, and is showing him an illustration.</i></div> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> [<i>In his hard, metallic voice.</i>] Observe that woman's facial +angle—[<i>pointing</i>] the peculiar curve of the lip, and the irregular +formation of the nose.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Describing a little upward curve on the paper with his thumb.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> I have seen sweeter things in ladies' lips and noses.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Describing the same little upward curve with his thumb on the +paper.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> Can you be surprised at her history?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Who was she?</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> Jane Sweetman, the notorious trigamist. Looking at that woman's +cranium I maintain it was impossible for her to avoid——</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Committing trigamy?</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> Well, some species of grave moral delinquency.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[40]</a></span></p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>clutches</i> <span class="smcap">Renie's</span> <i>wrist significantly. The</i> <span class="smcap">Professor</span> +<i>hands the illustration to</i> <span class="smcap">Harry</span>, <i>who examines it.</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>moves +away a step and unobtrusively feels his own nose and forehead.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Has examined the illustration.</i>] By Jove, yes—anybody can +see she was bound to come a moral cropper, eh?</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>He hands the illustration to</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly</span>, <i>who passes it to</i> <span class="smcap">Renie</span>, +<i>with a very significant glance, pointing out something on the +paper.</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span> <i>leans over the back of the sofa between</i> <span class="smcap">Renie</span> <i>and</i> +<span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>to look at the illustration. As he leans on the back of the +sofa</i>, <span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>draws herself up very indignantly, gives him a severe +look; moves a little away from him, sits and looks very severely in +front of her. He cannot understand her attitude, draws back a +little and looks puzzled.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> [<i>Bringing out another illustration, offering it to</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span>.] Now +look at this.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Taking illustration.</i>] Somebody's brains!</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> Tell me if you notice anything peculiar.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<span class="smcap">Harry</span> <i>leans over</i> <span class="smcap">Matt's</span> <i>shoulder, and looks at the +illustration.</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span> <i>again leans over the sofa, between</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly</span> +<i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Renie. Dolly</span> <i>again moves a little further away from him with +another indignant look.</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span> <i>is again puzzled, but bends and +looks over the illustration in</i> <span class="smcap">Renie's</span> <i>hands.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> So that's Jane Sweetman! Well, if Jane<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[41]</a></span> was bound to come a +moral cropper, I'm very glad I wasn't bound to come a moral cropper with +Jane, eh, Dolly? [<i>Very pleasantly.</i></p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Very severely.</i>] I should scarcely have thought you troubled +whom you came a moral cropper with!</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Looks at him severely, goes up to writing-desk, seats herself and +writes letter. He feels himself snubbed, and moves a step or two +back, stands and looks puzzled.</i> <span class="smcap">Professor</span> <i>has been critically +regarding</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Harry</span>, <i>who have been looking at the +illustration.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> Well, does anything strike you?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> No. [<i>Holding it out.</i>] Looks rather +pulpy—rather—a—squashy——</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> Exactly! Observe the soft, almost watery condition of that gray +matter. What is the inevitable consequence?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> I couldn't quite say—whom did that gray matter belong to?</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> Harriet Poy.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> I don't remember Harriet——</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> The Pyromaniac. At the age of four set fire to her mother's bed. +At twelve was found saturating blankets with petroleum; at sixteen fired +three hayricks, for which she was sentenced to six months' imprisonment.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Poor Harriet! But of course if her gray matter went and got +watery——</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> Just so! I maintain that with her gray matter in that condition +it was a stupid crime to send her to prison.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Looking round from desk.</i>] But what are we to do with people +whose gray matter goes wrong?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[42]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> I propose to deal with that question at Edinburgh. [<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span>.] +You might, perhaps, care to run down to Edinburgh for my lectures——</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> I should love it above all things; but the fact is, I'm so +thoroughly of your opinion——</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> Are you?! I'm delighted I've convinced you.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Completely. All my life I've been doing things I should never +have dreamed of doing if my gray matter had done its duty and not got +watery.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Begins.</i>] Yes, when you come to think of all the rotten +things you find yourself doing, you feel, by Jove——</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Suddenly recalls that he has said "by Jove," and being near the +collection-box, he quietly pulls sixpence out of his pocket and +drops it in.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Bravo, Harry! [<i>Patting him.</i></p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Oh, I mean it!—Professor, isn't it time for our hundred up?</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> [<i>Taking out watch.</i>] In two minutes.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> I'll go and get the balls out and chalk the cues. [<i>Going up to +door.</i>] Doll, [<i>taps the writing-desk</i>] you put it off after +tea—by-and-by, you know!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>She has finished letter, has risen, and closed +writing-desk.</i>] By-and-by.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Before we go to bed—don't forget.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Oh, I sha'n't forget.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Makes a wry face. Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Harry</span>.</p></div> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> Renie, you were complaining of headache. It would be wise to +take a short stroll in the cool air.</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Oh, very well.</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> Wrap up thoroughly. Ten minutes, not longer.</p> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[43]</a></span></p> +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Exit.</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly</span>, <i>unseen by</i> <span class="smcap">Renie</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span>, <i>slips the note she +has been writing into</i> <span class="smcap">Matt's</span> <i>hands. He takes it down stage, +right, and reads it.</i> <span class="smcap">Renie</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span> <i>have been talking, apart; +they move towards the door to get out, but</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>is standing in +the way of their exit.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Oh, Renie! I'll put on my things, and come with you.</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> But Captain Wentworth has offered——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> I've a splitting headache—I must get a little air. And Dad +wants to have a talk with Lucas, don't you?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> If he can spare five minutes.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Won't by-and-by be just as convenient?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Facing</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span>, <i>speaking firmly.</i>] No, by-and-by will not be +just as convenient. Now, Renie, we'll leave them together.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Gets</i> <span class="smcap">Renie</span> <i>off, turns, looks daggers at</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span>, <i>goes off +after</i> <span class="smcap">Renie</span>, <i>closes door in his face. He opens it, and goes after +her.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> I say, Doll, what's up? [<i>Follows her off.</i>] What's the matter?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Reading</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly's</span> <i>note.</i>] "Be very severe with him. Make a +great point of the dairy windows. He'll understand." Dairy windows?</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Puts the note in his pocket, as</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span> <i>re-enters, puzzled and +disappointed.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> I can't think what's the matter with Dolly. She has done +nothing but snub me all the evening.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Looking at him sternly.</i>] So I should imagine!</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> [<i>Startled by his manner.</i>] I say, have I done anything?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Done anything! I'm a man of the world! nobody can accuse me of +being strait-laced, and<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[44]</a></span> therefore I suppose you think you can come here +and set at defiance all the——it's disgraceful!</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Would you mind telling me what you're hinting at?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> I'm not hinting! I'm going to speak out very plainly, and I tell +you that I look upon your conduct as something atrocious!</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> I say, Uncle, what's all this about?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> What's it about? What's it about? It's about the dairy windows!</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Then it was you—phew!—so it was you?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Well, after the dairy windows, can you stand there and tell me +you aren't thoroughly, completely, heartily ashamed of yourself?</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Well, I suppose I am. But, after all, it wasn't so very bad——</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Not bad?!</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Well, not so d—ee—d awful.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Regards him for a few moments.</i>] Well, I'm astonished! If you +don't consider your behaviour d—ee—d awful, will you please find me +some word that will describe it?</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> You know you're putting a much worse construction on this than +the necessities of the case demand.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> What?!</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> I've nothing to reproach myself with. Mrs. Biggs wasn't out of +the dairy three minutes, and you were hanging about the windows all the +time.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> I was hanging about the windows?</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Yes, and I must say that when you saw two people engaged in an +interesting conversation the least you could do was to pass on and take +no notice.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> "Interesting conversation"?!</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Well, what did you call it? If it comes to that, what do you +accuse me of?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[45]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Well, here you are, on the first day of the year, after +listening to a most eloquent sermon, after making a solemn resolution to +give up all your bad habits——</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Excuse me, I expressly stated that I didn't mean to give up +<i>all</i> my bad habits. And I don't call this a bad habit.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> You don't call making love to a married woman a bad habit?!</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Of course in one sense it is a bad habit. But it isn't a bad +habit in the sense that other bad habits are bad habits. Look at all the +decent chaps who've been led into it!</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> That doesn't excuse you. And if you think that I'm going to +countenance your conduct, you are very much mistaken in your estimate of +my character.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> [<i>Very quietly.</i>] May I ask you one simple question?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Well?</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> When you were my age, if you found yourself alone in a dairy +with a good-looking woman, and she was good for a dozen kisses or so, +wouldn't you have taken advantage of it?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> No!</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Not at my age?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> No—no——</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Well, what would you have done?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> I should have summoned all my resolution——</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Oh, that be hanged! Come, Uncle, no humbug! Man to man!</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Well, I don't say that at your age I might not have been +tempted—and of course we must all go through a certain amount of +experience, or how should we be able to advise you youngsters?</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> I say, no confounded nonsense—your uncle Archie—<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[46]</a></span>—</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Dear old chap!</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> What use did you make of his advice?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Well, I remember his talking to me very seriously—I suppose I +was about your age—did I ever tell you, Lucas, [<i>taking</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas's</span> <i>arm +affectionately</i>] about a very remarkable auburn-haired girl, Madge +Seaforth?</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> No.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> And my racing her across Salisbury Plain at night?</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> No.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Forty-eight miles one glorious May night! I let her beat me! God +bless her! I let her beat me! And just as the sun rose we caught sight +of Salisbury spire.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Sounds rather jolly!</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Jolly? And the bacon and eggs we got through for breakfast! +Jolly? It was romance! It was poetry! Ah! Lu, my boy, you may say what +you like, there's nothing like it on this side heaven. I told you about +Mrs. Satterwaite dressing up as a widow and selling her husband?</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> No?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Well, I bet the little hussy a fiver. Oh, Satterwaite richly +deserved all he got—I can see Satterwaite's face now, and hers, as she +stepped out of the cupboard, with the wickedest twinkle in the wickedest +black eye! Ho! Ho! Heigho! Sad! Sad!! Sad!!!—Sad! Sad!! Sad!!! Come, +come, Lucas! This won't do! This will never do! Now to get back to this +business of yours——</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Well——</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> When I was your guardian I let you have a pretty good fling?</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> You did!</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> The pace was rather scorching?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[47]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Rather!</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> I never pulled you up?</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> No, and I'm grateful.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Shaking hands very cordially.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> That's all right. Now, old chap, you've got to pull up!</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Pull up?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Short. This Mrs. Sturgess—Dolly says there's a lot of nonsense +going on, gushing letters and so on,—damned silly thing writing +letters, Lu——</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Yes, I know.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Well, what do you do it for?</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> I don't know.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> You're seeing her every day. If you must carry on this +tomfoolery, why not do it by word of mouth? Why write it down, to show +what an ass you've been?</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> I'm sure I don't know.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Do you know why you're carrying on with her at all?</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Well, naturally a chap—naturally——</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> You're either in love with her, or you aren't?</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> I can't say I'm exactly in love with her——</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Then why are you making love to her?</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Well, she's a jolly good-looking woman, and naturally a +chap—naturally—I don't know that I ain't a bit in love with her.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Well, it doesn't much matter. If you aren't in love with her +you're a fool to risk a scandal. If you are in love you'll most likely +do some silly jackass thing that will knock your career on the head, eh?</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Well, when you look at it that way——</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Look at it that way! Anyhow, she's a married woman, and you're +here as a guest—it isn't the right thing to do, is it?</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> No, it isn't.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[48]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Very well, then, don't do it. Don't do it! Cut it! You will?</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> I've got to, I suppose.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Yes, you've got to. You can tell Doll I gave it to you hot and +strong, and you're going to clear out, and not see Mrs. Sturgess +again——</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Not see her again?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Isn't that what you mean to do?</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Yes, I suppose. I say, what did you see at the dairy windows?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> I didn't see anything at all!</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Nothing at all?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> I wasn't there!</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Then how——?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Dolly put me up to it. [<i>Laughs at him.</i></p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Dolly?</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>enters with a cloak which she throws on sofa.</i></div> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Ah, Doll——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Looking severely at</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span>.] Have you spoken to him?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Yes, very seriously, extra seriously, and he's going to do the +right thing and clear out, aren't you, Lucas?</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> [<i>A little unwillingly.</i>] Yes.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Clapping him on the shoulder.</i>] Good chap! Good chap!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Still a little severe.</i>] I'm pleased to hear it. [<i>To</i> +<span class="smcap">Lucas</span>.] You've behaved in a most scandalous——</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> He has. I've told him all that. [<i>Winks at</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>to keep her +quiet.</i>] And he sees it quite plainly, don't you?</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Winks at</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span> <i>to +prompt him.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Then it's quite broken off?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Quite! Isn't it, Lu?</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Yes, I suppose. I should like to say——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[49]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> That nothing has taken place which, if rightly looked at, could +reflect discredit either upon the lady, or, I hope, upon myself. And +secondly, whatever fault there may have been, is entirely mine.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> That's satisfactory! It always ought to be the man's fault. +Heaven forbid it should ever be theirs. Good chap! Good chap! [<i>Patting +him.</i>] Dolly, he's behaving splendidly. Now, Lu, good-night.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>rings bell.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> [<i>Surprised.</i>] Good-night?!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Good-night, and good-bye! [<i>Holding out her hand.</i></p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> You aren't going to turn me out to-night!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> You said it was quite broken off.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Yes, but—— [<i>turns to</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>with appealing gesture.</i> Uncle, +you didn't mean to pack me off like this——</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Yes, my boy! Remember the occasion. First day of the New Year. +Take time by the forelock. Off you go!</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Taking him by the shoulder and trying to get him off.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> [<i>Resisting.</i>] Oh no! I don't see it in that light at all.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Sinks comfortably into arm-chair.</i></p></div> + +<div class="blockquot"><span class="smcap">Criddle</span> <i>appears at door.</i></div> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Criddle, please have Captain Wentworth's portmanteau taken to +the billiard-room.</p> + +<p><i>Criddle.</i> Yes, ma'am.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> He wishes to change there, and please send to the Red Lion and +ask them to have Captain Wentworth's horse saddled.</p> + +<p><i>Criddle.</i> Yes, ma'am. [<i>Going.</i></p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Criddle, what's the weather like?</p> + +<p><i>Criddle.</i> It's a bit colder, sir. Looks as if we were going to have +another heavy fall of snow.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[50]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> I don't think I'll go to-night, Criddle. If I want the gee +saddled, I'll go and tell them myself.</p> + +<p><i>Criddle.</i> Yes, sir. [<i>Exit.</i></p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> [<i>In arm-chair.</i>] I say, Dolly, you don't really expect me to +go careering over that heath at this ungodly hour?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> You can't stay here. Renie is very much upset; she has had +hysterics. So I've put her in the spare room.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Well, you can give me a shake-down somewhere—in the +billiard-room.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Shakes her head.</i>] I can't ask the servants to make up +impossible beds in impossible places at this ungodly hour.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> I call this beastly unfair of you, Doll.</p> + +<p><a name="corr6" id="corr6"></a><a class="correction" href="#cn6" title="changed from 'Doll.'"><i>Dolly.</i></a> Unfair?</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Just as I'd summoned up all my resolution to do the right +thing, and avoid ructions for your sake, you pounce down on me, and +order me off the premises, and——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Getting angry.</i>] If you don't behave yourself and go off +quietly, I shall have to order you off the premises.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Makes an appeal by gesture to</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>to get him off.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Now, my hero! [<i>Lifting him out of the arm-chair.</i>] Buckle on +your armor! Sally forth! Once more unto the breach!</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>With some difficulty he raises</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span> <i>out of the chair.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Well, I'll go and have a look at the weather. [<i>Goes sulkily up +to door.</i>] Mind you, if you turn me out I won't be responsible if +there's a flare up——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Very well, so long as we don't have a flare-up here. Oh!</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Rings the bell again.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[51]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> [<i>Goes off, sulky, muttering.</i>] Of all the—turning me +out—beastly infernal nuisance!</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Exit grumbling, leaving door open.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> It would serve them both right if there was to be a +flare-up—only I'm sure she'd drag me into it somehow. [<span class="smcap">Criddle</span> <i>appears +at door.</i>] Please send and ask them at the Red Lion to saddle Captain +Wentworth's horse and send it here at once.</p> + +<p><i>Criddle.</i> Yes, ma'am. [<i>Exit.</i></p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Lucas is going to behave as badly over this as he did over the +governess. Dad——!</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Well?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Of course, Lucas is in the army, but surely he—he isn't a fair +sample?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Oh no, oh no! Lucas is very exceptional—quite exceptional.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> I thought so! They can't all be——</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Oh no! I'm glad to say——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> I'm determined he shall go to-night.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><span class="smcap">Lucas</span> <i>re-enters.</i></div> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> I say, Dolly, I wish you'd come and look at the weather.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> What for?</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> There's a great black cloud—it's going to come down!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Enraged.</i>] I don't care if the heavens come down! You're +going back to Aldershot to-night.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> But I tell you—— [<i>Appeals to</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span>.] It's simply impossible +for me to ride across that heath——</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> But you rode across it last night in a howling snowstorm——</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Yes, I did! Last night! And never again, thank you! No! I don't +mind shaking down anywhere to oblige——</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[52]</a></span></p><div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>He is about to drop again into the arm-chair, but</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>gently +pushes him aside and drops into the chair himself.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> [<i>Going to sofa.</i>] Anywhere to oblige!</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Drops comfortably on to sofa.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Comes up to him finally.</i>] Lucas, this is abominable! I +suppose you think because we treated you so leniently over that wretched +governess——</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Well, I thought you were pretty deuced hard down on us——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> What?! Oh! [<i>Appeals to</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span>.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> I didn't mind your slanging me, but you might have had a little +consideration for her feelings, because, after all, she was one of your +own sex!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> My own sex! The minx!</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> And an orphan!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Orphan! [<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span>.] Go and speak to him! Go and speak to him!</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>rises and goes to</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span>. <span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>sits down in despair.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Come, Lu. You're not playing the game! You promised to take +yourself off.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> [<i>Comfortably seated.</i>] Well, I will take myself off, only let +me take myself off in my own way.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> It's useless your staying! Renie won't see you again.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Won't she?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> No. She gave me a last message for you——</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Did she? Why didn't you give it to me?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> If I tell you, will you take yourself off?</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Yes, of course. What was her last message?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> She said "She should always value your noble devotion, and be +proud that she had known you; but you must see how hopeless it was, and +that she trusted you would go away at once and leave her to respect you, +as you had always respected her!"<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[53]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> A very pretty, touching little adieu! Does her great credit. +Now, Lu! Cut it! Come, my boy!</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Lifts him up off sofa.</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span> <i>gets up very reluctantly.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Well, if I must go—good-night!</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Good-night. [<i>Shaking hands.</i>] I may see you to-morrow +afternoon.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Where?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> I'm driving over to Aldershot to see Sir John. I shall look you +up——</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> I may not be there in the afternoon——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Lucas, you're coming over here——</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> No—no; I'm not. You shouldn't suspect me.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> It won't be the least use your coming——</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> I know that. Well, good-bye, Doll——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Good-bye. [<i>Shaking hands.</i></p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> [<i>Is going up to door slowly and reluctantly, turns.</i>] I +suppose if I were to give you my solemn promise I wouldn't see her, I +couldn't shake down on that sofa.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Sternly and decisively.</i>] No!</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> [<i>Goes a few more steps towards door, turns.</i>] I suppose I +couldn't see Mrs. Sturgess? [<span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>looks indignant.</i>] Only to say +good-bye.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> No! She was nearly undressed when I left her. She's asleep by +now!</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Renie</span> <i>fully dressed, looking very interesting and tearful. +Throughout the scene she preserves the air of a martyr.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Indignantly.</i>] Renie, you promised me you wouldn't come +downstairs again!</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Yes, dear, but I felt I couldn't rest under your father's +unjust suspicion. [<i>Goes up to</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span>, <i>seizes his hand +sympathetically.</i>] Dolly tells me you<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[54]</a></span> have been watching the friendship +that all unconsciously has sprung up between Captain Wentworth and +myself——</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Uncomfortable.</i>] Not exactly watching——</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> I feel you may have seen, or guessed something, that has given +you a wrong impression.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> No, no! I assure you——</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> If you have, I beg you to speak out and give us a chance of +defending ourselves. Tell us exactly what you have seen, and what you +suspect——</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> My dear Mrs. Sturgess, I haven't seen anything, and I don't +suspect anything.</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> You really mean that?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Yes—yes——</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Clasping his hand eagerly.</i>] Thank you so much. Friendship +between a man and a woman is <i>so</i> misunderstood.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> It is.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes, Lucas had a friendship with a governess here which we all +misunderstood—till afterwards.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> I say, Dolly, don't you——</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Now that there is no chance of your misjudging our friendship, +I don't mind saying—— [<i>Shows signs of breaking down.</i>] You won't +misunderstand me? [<i>Clinging to his hand.</i></p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> No, no!</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> My life has not been altogether a happy one.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> I'm sure it hasn't!</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Under other circumstances—let that pass! [<i>Wrings</i> <span class="smcap">Matt's</span> +<i>hands.</i>] Thank you, thank you! [<i>Goes to</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span>.] Captain Wentworth, I +shall always be proud to have known you.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> I've told him all that!</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>hushes</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>with a gesture.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> I shall always cherish the memory of our<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[55]</a></span> friendship, but it +might be misunderstood, and so [<i>breaking down, but bearing up with an +effort</i>], you will behave like the gallant gentleman I know you to be, +and say good-bye to me for ever!</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Nobly spoken! Very nobly spoken indeed!</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Well, if you insist——</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> I do! Good-bye for ever!</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Good-bye. [<i>They have a long hand-shake.</i></p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Good-bye.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Tears herself away from him and tragically throws herself on +sofa.</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span> <i>follows her up.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> I say, Mrs. Sturgess——</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Face buried in hands, moans out.</i>] Go, go! In pity's name +don't make it harder for me!</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> In pity's name don't make it harder for her.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Looking off at door.</i>] They'll be coming out of the +billiard-room directly.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Now, Lucas——</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><span class="smcap">Criddle</span> <i>appears at door.</i></div> + +<p><i>Criddle.</i> Your horse is waiting for you, sir.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> My horse?!</p> + +<p><i>Criddle.</i> Yes, sir, just outside.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> What on earth do they mean? A valuable horse like that—just +clipped—standing about on a night like this—who told them?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> I did. The horse is waiting to take you back to Aldershot.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> I can't go back to Aldershot in this kit. [<i>Pointing to his +dress-clothes.</i>] Tell them to take it back to the Red Lion!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> And Criddle, give the man Captain Wentworth's portmanteau to +take to the Red Lion at the same time.</p> + +<p><i>Criddle.</i> Yes, ma'am. [<i>Exit.</i><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[56]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> [<i>Grumbling.</i>] Well, of all——Good-bye, Mrs. Sturgess.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> You've said good-bye——</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Still tragic on sofa.</i>] Farewell—for ever!</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Good-night, Dolly!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Farewell—for a good long time. [<i>Shaking hands.</i></p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Good-night, Uncle.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Good-night, Lucas. [<i>Shaking hands.</i></p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> [<i>Turns at door.</i>] Happen to have your cigar-case handy?</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>takes out cigar-case, offers it.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Could you spare two?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Certainly!</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> I've got a jolly long ride, I'll take three if you don't mind.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Do!</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Thank'ee. Well, good-night, everybody.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>gets</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span> <i>off, closes door after him.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Rouses herself from sofa.</i>] Has he gone? Is it all over?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> I hope so. [<i>Goes and rings bell twice.</i></p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Goes to</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>impulsively—and seizes his hand.</i>] At least +this bitter experience has gained me one true friend.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Embarrassed.</i>] Yes——</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Wrings his hand in gratitude.</i>] Thank you so much——</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>He gets away from her and shows relief; takes out cigar and +prepares to light it.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Standing in the middle of the room, pitying herself.</i>] That's +where we get the worst of it, we women who have hearts! We must feel, we +must show our feelings, and then we get trampled down in the fight. Oh, +Dolly, how I envy you your nature!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[57]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Very chilly.</i>] Are you going into the spare room, dear?</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Anywhere! Anywhere! Yes, the spare room!</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><span class="smcap">Peters</span>, <span class="smcap">Dolly's</span> <i>maid, appears at door.</i></div> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Peters, will you bank up the fire in the spare room and make +everything comfortable for Mrs. Sturgess?</p> + +<p><i>Peters.</i> Yes, ma'am. [<i>Exit.</i></p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Still in the middle of the room, pitying herself.</i>] So my +poor little tragedy is ended! [<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span>.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Yes. Well, let's be thankful no bones are broken!</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> No bones, but how about hearts? Well, I must bear it. [<i>With a +weary smile.</i>] Mustn't I?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> I'm afraid you must.</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Good-night! [<i>Wrings his hand with gratitude.</i>] Good-night!</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Good-night.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Gets away from her, and busies himself with his cigar, lights +it.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Good-night, Dolly!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> I'll come up with you, and stay till you're quite comfortable.</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Shall I ever be comfortable again? Will things ever be the +same? I wonder!</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Goes off mournfully and tragically at back with a prolonged +sigh.</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>has seated himself on sofa and taken up paper.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Calls his attention to</i> <span class="smcap">Renie's</span> <i>exit and makes a furious +gesture after her.</i>] I know she'll be here next Christmas!</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[58]</a></span></p> +<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Marches down enraged to</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>and repeats in an angry, aggrieved way, +emphasizing each word.</i>] I know that woman will be here next +Christmas!</p></div> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Seated comfortably with his cigar and paper</i>] I daresay she +will——</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>marches indignantly and decisively to door and exit.</i></p></div> + +<p><br /></p> +<p class="center">CURTAIN.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[59]</a></span></p> +<p class="center">(<i>Half an hour passes between Acts II and III.</i>)</p> + +<h3><a name="ACT_III" id="ACT_III"></a>ACT III.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Scene</span>: <i>The same. Discover</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>in the same seat and attitude, with +paper and cigar.</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>enters.</i></p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Well??</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> I've had an awful time with her——</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> How?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Seated.</i>] First she had another fit of hysterics—then she +longed to go out into the night air to cool her fevered brow—then she +moaned out something about her noble Lucas——</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> And now?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> I've persuaded her to let Peters undress her. I've got her off +my hands at last.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> That's a comfort.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Dad!</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Yes.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> I won't have her here next Christmas.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> No, I wouldn't.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Repeats in a slow, aggrieved, enraged way, emphasizing each +syllable.</i>] Whatever happens, I will not have that woman in my house +next Christmas. You hear that?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Yes. You won't have her here next Christmas!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> I mean it, this time. And I won't have Lucas here again for a +very long time.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> I wouldn't.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Seated beside him.</i>] Dad, please put away that paper. You're +going over to Aldershot to-morrow to try to get Lucas exchanged?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> I'll try.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Where can you get him sent?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[60]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> +<a name="corr7" id="corr7"></a><a class="correction" href="#cn7" title="changed from 'Gibralter'"> +Gibraltar</a>—India—South Africa—according as an appointment +happens to be vacant.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> The further the better, and the longer.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><span class="smcap">Peters</span> <i>appears at door.</i></div> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Well, Peters, have you made Mrs. Sturgess comfortable?</p> + +<p><i>Peters.</i> I'm trying to, ma'am.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Is she in bed yet?</p> + +<p><i>Peters.</i> No, ma'am.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Not in bed!</p> + +<p><i>Peters.</i> No, ma'am, but she seems rather quieter.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> She let you undress her, I suppose?</p> + +<p><i>Peters.</i> I'm just going to, ma'am. She says her brain is still +throbbing.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Throbbing!</p> + +<p><i>Peters.</i> And could you lend her your hop-pillow?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> You'll find it in my wardrobe.</p> + +<p><i>Peters.</i> Yes, ma'am.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Peters, pat up the hop-pillow for her, and insist on undressing +her——</p> + +<p><i>Peters.</i> Yes, ma'am. [<i>Going.</i></p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Don't leave her till you've seen her comfortably in bed.</p> + +<p><i>Peters.</i> No, ma'am.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Exit. A gust of wind and a little rattle of hail on the +conservatory window.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Whew! The New Year means business!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> And so do I, as Lucas will find out.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> He is finding it out, on that heath!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes! [<i>With a little laugh.</i>] Ha! ha! [<i>A louder gust and +rattle of hail.</i>] Listen! Listen! Ha! And he might have been here +playing a comfortable rubber by the fire—if he'd simply behaved +himself!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[61]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> If he'd "simply behaved" himself! What we all miss through not +"simply behaving" ourselves.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Another gust.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Laughs.</i>] Ah! He's catching it! I shall insist on Renie +driving out with me to-morrow afternoon.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Yes.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Then she can't meet Lucas. That will be another sell for +him—[<i>Another furious gust and rattle.</i>] Listen! Ha! ha! I wonder how +far Lucas has got!</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>A noise of something being knocked over in the conservatory, +which is lighted.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Goes to the conservatory door, looks in; is startled.</i>] Hillo! +hillo! What?!</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><span class="smcap">Lucas</span> <i>enters from the upper conservatory door in riding-clothes of +first Act.</i></div> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Enraged.</i>] Lucas! [<i>More enraged.</i>] Lucas! How dare you?!</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> It's all right—don't make a fuss!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Furious.</i>] Why aren't you on the way to Aldershot?</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> I didn't like the look of the weather! I didn't like the look +of it at all! So I got them to give me a shake-down at the Red Lion——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Indignantly.</i>] Shake-down at the Red Lion!</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Yes, on their sofa! You needn't look so black! I asked you +first, to let me have a shake-down here—on that sofa——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> But why have you come back here?</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Well, I must have dropped those cigars uncle Matt gave me. I +put them carefully in my side pocket, and when I got down to the Red +Lion, lo and behold, they weren't there!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> You could have got a cigar at the Red Lion—<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[62]</a></span>—</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> [<i>Turns to</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>for sympathy.</i>] I could have got a cigar at +the Red Lion! [<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly.</span>] No, thank you! So I thought I'd just stroll +up here in the hope——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> In the hope of seeing Mrs. Sturgess! But she's safely in bed +this time, and there's no possible chance of your seeing her.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> In the hope of getting Harry to give me a decent smoke. Well, I +came into the Hall and not wishing to rile you by my hated presence—I +slipped into the conservatory——</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Harry.</span></div> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Surprised at the riding-clothes.</i>] Hillo, Lu, going back to +Aldershot to-night?</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> No, not unless the weather takes a turn. No, Dolly said that as +the spare room was occupied, would I mind getting a shake-down at the +Red Lion. So I did, and as I've got nothing to smoke, may I cadge a +cigar?</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Yes, old fellow. [<i>Taking out cigar-case.</i></p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Intercepting.</i>] You said I should take charge of your cigars, +in case you should be tempted to smoke more than two a day——</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> By Jove, I forgot all about two per diem—I've been smoking all +day. Here, Lu! [<i>About to throw cigar-case to</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas.</span>] You'd better take +the lot and keep me out of temptation!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> No! I'll take charge of that, please.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Takes the cigar-case, looks angrily at</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span>, <i>goes to +writing-desk, puts it in.</i></p></div> + +<div class="blockquot"><span class="smcap">Peters</span> <i>appears at door.</i></div> + +<p><i>Peters.</i> I beg pardon, ma'am, Mrs. Sturgess——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> What about her?</p> + +<p><i>Peters.</i> When I got back with the hop-pillow she wasn't there. I've +looked all over the house, and I<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[63]</a></span> can't find her anywhere. [<i>Glancing +off into the conservatory.</i>] Oh, there she is!</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><span class="smcap">Renie</span> <i>enters, fully dressed from conservatory, very languidly, with +handkerchief and smelling-salts.</i> <span class="smcap">Peters</span> <i>goes off.</i></div> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Renie!</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Looks at</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span>, <i>who is inclined to laugh, checks it, shrugs his +shoulders and goes over to fire.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> My head was racking, I had to rush out—I've been pacing up and +down under the veranda, up and down, up and down, up and down—[<span class="smcap">Dolly</span> +<i>makes a little grimace of angry incredulity</i>] it's a little easier now, +so I'll take advantage of the lull, and try to get some sleep.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes, I would.</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Good-night, dear.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Severely.</i>] Good-night once more.</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Good-night, Mr. Telfer. [<i>Offering hand.</i></p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Good-night, I'm awfully sorry——</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>With her weary smile.</i>] Oh, it's only a headache. I can bear +it. Thank you for your sympathy. [<i>Wringing his hand in fervent +gratitude.</i>] Good-night, Mr. Barron.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Good-night. I hope we sha'n't have any more little tragedies, +eh?</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Very fervently.</i>] I hope not, oh, I hope not! [<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span> +<i>very casually and distantly.</i>] Good-night, Captain Wentworth.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> [<i>Same tone.</i>] Good-night, Mrs. Sturgess.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Renie</span>. <span class="smcap">Peters</span> <i>is seen to join her in the hall. A little +pause.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Well, I'll be toddling back to the Red Lion. Good-night, Dolly. +[<span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>looks at him, furious, turns away.</i> <span class="smcap">Harry</span> <i>looks a little +surprised.</i>] Good-night, Harry.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[64]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Harry</i>. Good-night, Lu. Seems a pity for you to turn out on a night +like this. Dolly, can't we give him a shake-down——?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> No!</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<span class="smcap">Harry</span> <i>shows surprise at her tone. A little pause of +embarrassment.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Good-night, Uncle Matt.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Comes up to him, in a low voice.</i>] Cut it, my dear lad. Cut +it! That's understood?</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Yes, of course. Well, good-night, Dolly, once more. [<i>She +doesn't reply.</i>] Oh well, if you're going on the rampage—[<i>Goes off +muttering.</i>] Infernal nuisance—night like this—— [<i>Exit.</i></p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Is anything the matter?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Lucas has offended me very much. I don't wish to speak of it.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><i>The</i> <span class="smcap">Professor</span> <i>enters at back.</i></div> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Well, who was the victor?</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> The Professor won all four games.</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> I ascribe the increased accuracy of my stroke at billiards to my +increased nerve force, now I have made Pableine my staple article of +diet in place of meat.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Flies to the gray matter, eh?</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> Instantaneously.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Good stuff!</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> I hope you'll try it. Shall I send a tin to your room?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Will you? That will be kind!</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><span class="smcap">Criddle</span> <i>appears at door.</i></div> + +<p><i>Criddle.</i> I've put the spirits in the hall, sir.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> You can take them away, Criddle. In the<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[65]</a></span> future we shall not +require spirits at night, only soda water and tea.</p> + +<p><i>Criddle.</i> Yes, sir. [<i>Exit.</i></p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Who has been sitting wearily on sofa, rises.</i>] Well, I'm +going to bed.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> You forget, dear.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> What? [<span class="smcap">Harry</span> <i>taps the writing-desk.</i>] Oh, my dear Harry, we +won't go into them to-night.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Yes, my dear, if you please. [<i>Very firmly.</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>makes an +impatient gesture and pouts.</i>] Please don't look like that. If I'm to +help you in paying off these bills, it must be to-night, or not at all.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Oh, very well, but—— [<i>Sits down wearily.</i></p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> [<i>Taking out watch.</i>] Five minutes past my usual hour.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Renie has one of her bad headaches, so I've put her in the +spare room.</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> Thank you. I'm afraid she's a little wilful. I can never get her +to see that life can yield us no real satisfaction unless we regulate +all our actions to the most minute point. Good-night.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Good-night. [<i>Shaking hands.</i></p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> Good-night, Telfer.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Good-night. [<i>Shaking hands.</i></p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Good-night, Harry.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Good-night, Dad. [<i>Shaking hands.</i></p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly.</span>] Night-night, dear.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Night-night, Dad. [<i>Kissing him.</i></p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> [<i>Has been waiting at door.</i>] I might perhaps show you the +precise way of mixing the Pableine.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> That would be kind! What's the dose?</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> Two teaspoonfuls. On certain occasions I have taken as much as +four tablespoonfuls.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Wasn't that rather—going it?</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> No. It's quite tasteless, except for a very slight beany +flavor.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[66]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Sounds just the thing for a New Year's drink, to brace up good +resolutions. Come along! I'll have a regular night-cap of it. </p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Exeunt</i> +<span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Professor.</span></p></div> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Now we can have our cosy half hour.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Ye-es. I've had an awful evening with Lucas. Don't you +think——?</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> No, my darling. You put it off after tea——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> But our heads will be so much clearer in the morning——</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Very solemnly and severely.</i>] My darling, remember what +Pilcher said about procrastination. And remember our resolutions last +night. If we break them on the first night of the year, where shall we +be on the thirty-first of December?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> I'm horribly fagged.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Conquer it! Think how delightful it will be to put your head on +the pillow to-night, without a single anxiety, without a single +thought——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Except my gratitude to you!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Come, dear, no time like the present!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Jumps up very briskly.</i>] No time like the present! [<i>Looking +at him with great admiration.</i>] Oh, Harry, what a dear, kind, good +husband you've always been to me!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Have I, my darling? [<i>Modestly.</i>] I've done my best——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> How I must have tried you!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> No, dear—at least a little sometimes.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> When I think what patience you've had with me, and never +reproached me——</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Well, not often. We've had our little tiffs—That day at +Goodwood—eh?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Don't speak of it! I was to blame——</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> No, dear, I can't let you accuse yourself. I was quite in the +wrong.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> No, dear, it was my fault entirely!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[67]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Well, we won't quarrel about that. Now these bills——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> And what good pals we've been!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> And always shall be. [<i>Kissing her.</i></p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Hugging him.</i>] Oh, you dear!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Now, business, business!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Going up to writing-desk.</i>] What a lucky woman I am!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Seated at table.</i>] Bring them all.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Has opened desk and taken up some bills—she looks round +dubiously at</i> <span class="smcap">Harry</span>.] What a splendid thing it must be to be a husband +and have it in your power to make your wife <i>adore</i> you, by simply +paying a few bills.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Yes—bring them all. [<i>She comes down with a bundle of about +fifteen, hands them to him.</i>] Is this all?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> All, of any importance.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> I want to see them all.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> So you shall, but we'll go through these first, because +[<i>lamely</i>] if you want to ask any questions we can settle them on the +spot, can't we?</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Reading from the bill.</i>] Maison Récamier, Court and artistic +millinery. By Jove! [<i>Looks up.</i></p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> What!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine—nine +hats!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Different kinds of hats.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Yedda straw hat, four guineas, ostrich feather ruffle, twelve +pounds ten——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> That was the one—you remember—when I came into the room you +said, "Stay there! Just as you are! I must kiss you!"</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Yes, but twelve pounds ten—Moss green chip hat, four, +fourteen, six. Heliotrope velvet toque—<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[68]</a></span>—</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> That's the dear little toque you admire so much!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Do I? Six guineas! Dear little toque! Hat in white Tegal with +plumes of Nattier Bleu—fifteen guineas—Fifteen guineas?!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> With plumes! Of Nattier Bleu!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> But fifteen guineas!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Oh, the woman's a fearful swindler! But what are you to do with +such people?</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>With bill.</i>] Total, sixty-four, seven, six. And I get my one +silk topper a year, at a guinea, and three and six for doing it up. +Total for me, one, four, six. Total for you——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> My dear Harry, don't make absurd comparisons!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Takes another bill.</i>] John Spearman, artistic gown maker, +ball gowns, reception gowns, race gowns—Good heavens!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> What's the matter?</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Total, five hundred and fifty-six pounds—that can't be right!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Frightened.</i>] No, it can't be! Add it up!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Reading.</i>] Tea gown of chiffon taffeta—</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> The one I took to Folkestone, you remember?</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>With a little +attempt at a kiss.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Gently repulsing her.</i>] No, I don't. [<i>She puts her arms +round his neck; he gently pushes her aside.</i>] Business first, please. +[<i>Reads.</i>] Gown of white cloth with Postillion coat of Rose du Barri +silk, motifs of silver, forty-five guineas——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> You won't grumble at that, for when I first put it on, you +stood and looked at me and said, "I want to know how it is, Doll, that +the moment a dress gets on to your shoulders, it seems to brisk up, and +be as cocky and proud of itself——"</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Again attempting to embrace +him.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[69]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Again repulsing her.</i>] Yes, well now I do know! Jolly proud +and cocky your dresses ought to feel at this price! [<i>Reads.</i>] "Evening +cloak of strawberry satin charmeuse, trimmed silk passementerie, motifs +and fringed stoles of dull gold embroidery, thirty-five guineas." What's +a motif?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> It's a trimming—a lot of little touches—a sort +of—a—a—a—[<i>making a little descriptive gesture</i>] a suggestion—a +motif——</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> And Mr. John Spearman's motif is that I should pay him five +hundred and fifty-six pounds. Well, I don't like Mr. John Spearman's +motifs, and I'm not going to fall in with them. [<i>Puts the bill on the +table rather angrily, takes up another, reads.</i>] "Artistic lingerie!" I +wonder why all these people call themselves artists! "Underwear of +daintiness and distinction."</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Well, you've always praised——</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Yes. In future, I'm going to be very careful what articles of +your dress I praise. "Three pairs of blue silk garters, forty-five +shillings." [<i>She has settled herself in the armchair, +looking a little +sulky and obstinate, leaning back and pettishly swinging one leg over +the other.</i>] What have you got to say to that?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Garters are necessary.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Yes, but why three? And why blue silk? Why don't you speak?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> The garters can speak for +<a name="corr8" id="corr8"></a><a class="correction" href="#cn8" title="changed from 'themselevs'"> +themselves</a>!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Very well. Garters that can speak for themselves can pay for +themselves! [<i>Dashes the bill on the table, takes up another. Reading.</i>] +Three bottles cœur de Janette—three bottles Souffle de +Marguerite—fifteen pounds for scent—and I have to smoke sixpenny +cigars! And sometimes only fourpenny!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Well, if you will smoke those horrid strong<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[70]</a></span> things you can't +wonder I have to disinfect the house for you.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Disinfect the house <i>for</i> me! You'll very soon disinfect the +house <i>of</i> me! [<i>Glances through the remaining bills, groans, puts them +on the table, and walks about in despair.</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>rises and is going +off.</i>] Where are you going?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> To bed.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Stopping her.</i>] No! Now we've begun, we'll go through to the +bitter end, if you please. I want you to explain——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> My dear Harry, it will be quite useless for me to try to +explain in your present state——</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Getting furious.</i>] In my present state——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Dancing about the room and shouting!——</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> I'm not shouting!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> You're not shouting?!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> No, and if I am, isn't it enough to make a man shout when his +wife——</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>appears at the door in his dressing-gown and slippers.</i></div> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Excuse my interrupting. But you know my room is just above this, +and if you could manage to pitch your voices in rather a softer key——</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> By Jove, I'd forgotten! We were getting a little noisy. I'm +awfully sorry.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Don't mention it! The Professor gave me rather a stiff go of his +Pableine, and I fancy it hasn't agreed with me [<i>tapping his chest</i>] for +I can't get a wink of sleep. Is there a spoonful of whiskey about?</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> On the sideboard in the dining-room.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Thankee. [<i>Tapping his chest.</i>] Harry, when you get over fifty, +don't change your nightcap, or any of your other bad habits.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[71]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> I won't. Now, Dolly——</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Anxiously.</i>] You won't perhaps be very long now?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> No, we'd nearly finished——</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Nothing serious, I hope?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Harry doesn't approve of my using scent.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Not in pailfuls. Certainly not.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> I had three small bottles——</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Montaigne says that the sweetest perfume a woman can have, is to +have none at all. [<i>Exit.</i></p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Now, my darling, we shall best arrive at an understanding if we +avoid all temper, and discuss it in a calm, business-like way.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>A little frightened.</i>] Ye-es——</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Very well then, bring up your chair, and let us go into it, +figure by figure, item by item, and see how we stand.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Ye-es. [<i>Bringing a chair a little way.</i>] Harry, you aren't +going to be as business-like as all that?</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> As all what?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> I can't discuss it while you keep me at a distance! [<i>Suddenly +rushes at him, seats herself on his knee, puts his arm round her waist, +kisses him.</i>] There! now I feel I can discuss it thoroughly.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Very well [<i>kisses her</i>], so long as we do discuss it +thoroughly.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> I began to get quite frightened of you, Mr. Jobling.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Jobling?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> The man Mr. Pilcher had to get a money-box for, because he +swore at his wife!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Oh, yes.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> You got so angry—and shouted——</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Well, there was no reason for that, especially as getting out +of temper is <i>the</i> one thing I'm quite resolved to conquer this New +Year—<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[72]</a></span>—</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Kissing him.</i>] Don't forget that!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Kisses her.</i>] Now, business, business! [<i>Takes up a bill.</i>] +What have we here? Carchet, gantier et bonnetier, artiste—Hillo, here's +another artist! In stockings this time. [<i>Suddenly.</i>] I say!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Frightened.</i>] Eh?</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Points to an item in bill.</i>] Come now, Dolly—this is really +too bad—this really is too bad!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Frightened.</i>] What?!</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Getting off his knee.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> One dozen pairs best silk hose, with clocks——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes—how much does that come to?</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Eleven pounds two——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> It does seem rather a high price, but——</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Drawing up her dress and showing an inch or two of silk +stocking.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> You're wearing them about the house?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> I can't go about the house without stockings. And I put them on +for your especial benefit. [<i>He utters a contemptuous exclamation.</i>] +They're a lovely quality——</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Drawing up her dress an inch or two +higher.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> I daresay. [<i>Turning away.</i>] I'm not going to admire your +stockings, or your ostrich ruffles, or your blue silk garters, or your +motifs, or anything that is yours! It's too expensive!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Dress an inch higher, looking down at her stockings.</i>] It's +the clocks you have to pay for——</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> I beg your pardon, it's the clocks I haven't got to pay for! +And don't mean to—if I can help it. Idiotic thing to go and put clocks +on stockings—[<i>muttering</i>] damned silly idiotic——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Ah! [<i>Goes to table, brings the hospital box and puts it in +front of him.</i>] Double fine this time.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[73]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> What for?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Naughty swear word, and getting out of temper.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Oh well—[<i>fumbling in his pocket</i>] I did say d——, but I +didn't get out of temper!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> You didn't get out of temper?!?</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Not at all. I'm quite calm. [<i>Sulkily puts a shilling in the +box.</i>] There! [<i>Seats himself at table.</i>] Now we'll go quietly and +methodically through the remainder—— [<i>Taking up a bill, looks at it, +exclaims.</i>] Good heavens!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Good heavens what?</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>In a low exhausted tone with groans.</i>] Good heavens! Good +heavens! It's absolutely useless—Good heavens!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> But what is it? [<i>Coming up, looking over.</i></p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Points to bill.</i>] Four more hats! Nine on the other +bill—four more here. Thirteen hats.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> No, one was a toque.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> But can you explain?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes. You said yourself that Madame Récamier was horribly +expensive, so I left her and went to Jacquelin's—just to save your +pocket——</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Never save my pocket again, please.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Very well, I won't.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> No, I daresay you won't, but I shall! I shall draw the strings +very tightly in future. Save my pocket! [<i>He is walking about +distractedly.</i>] Save my pocket. [<i>Groans.</i></p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Now, Harry, it's useless to take it in this way—you knew when +you married me I hadn't got the money sense——</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Groans.</i>] I hadn't got any sense at all!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Very likely not. But try and have a little now. What have I +done? Run a little into debt, solely to please you.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[74]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Yes; well, now run out of it, and I shall be better pleased +still.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> After all, running into debt is a positive virtue beside the +things that some wives do!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Oh, it's a positive virtue, is it?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> A husband is very lucky when his wife spends most of her time +running up a few bills. It keeps her out of mischief. I'm sure you ought +to feel very glad that I'm a little extravagant!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Oh, I am! I am! I'm delighted!</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>He sits at table, takes out a pencil, hurriedly puts down the +amounts of the various bills—she creeps up behind him.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> What are you doing?</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> I'm totting up to see how lucky I am! Forty-one, one, six—— +[<i>Groans.</i>] Ninety-four—— [<i>Groans.</i></p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Has crept up behind him, puts her arms round his neck.</i>] Now, +Harry, will you take my advice——?</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> No.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> It's past eleven.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Trying to take the pencil out of his hand.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Disengaging her arms, speaking very sternly.</i>] Will you have +the goodness to let me have all your bills, so that I may know what help +I shall need from my banker?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Harry, you don't mean that? Oh, that's absurd with our income!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Will you have the goodness to do as I say, and at once, please? +[<i>He is dotting down figures. She stands still in the middle of the +room.</i>] Did you hear me?</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[75]</a></span></p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>She bursts into tears. He turns round and shows symptoms of +relenting towards her, but steels himself and turns to the bills. +She bursts into renewed tears. He goes on figuring.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Piteously.</i>] Harry! Harry! [<i>Goes up to him and plucks his +sleeve.</i>] Harry!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Well?</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>He turns and looks at her, is about to yield, but resists, turns +away from her, settles resolutely to his figures.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> And on the first night of the New Year, too! Just as we were +going to be so happy! Harry! [<i>Holds out her arms appealingly.</i>] Harry! +[<span class="smcap">Harry</span> <i>suddenly turns round and clasps her.</i>] How could you be so +unkind to me?</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Was I? I didn't mean to be. Now! Dry your tears, and help me +reckon this up——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Ye-es.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> But first of all let me have the remainder of the bills——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> At once, my darling—it's getting late.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes. [<i>Goes up to desk.</i>] You won't reproach me?</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Of course I won't.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> I can bear anything except your reproaches. Promise you won't +reproach me.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> I won't, unless——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Unless what?</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> It's something too awful.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Oh, it isn't. Not at all. Not at all. [<i>Goes up to the desk, +brings down about ten more bills with great affected cheerfulness.</i>] +There! You see, it's nothing.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Hastily looking at the totals.</i>] Nothing? You call these +nothing!!?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[76]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Nothing to speak about—nothing awful!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Good heavens! How any woman with the least care for her +husband, or her home—— [<i>looking at one total after another</i>] how any +woman with the least +<a name="corr9" id="corr9"></a><a class="correction" href="#cn9" title="changed from 'self-recpect'"> +self-respect</a>—— [<span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>goes to him, puts her arms +round him, tries to embrace—he repulses her.</i>] No, please. I've had +enough of that old dodge.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Dodge!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> I remember that last two hundred pounds and how you sweedled me +out of it!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Sweedled?</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Yes! Sweedled!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> There's no such word!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> No, but there's the thing! As most husbands know. [<i>Referring +to one bill after another, picking out items.</i>] Lace coat, hand-made! +En-tout-cas, studded cabochons of lapis lazuli—studded +cabochons—studded cabochons!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Has quietly seated herself, and is looking at the ceiling.</i>] +Couldn't you manage to pitch your voice in rather a softer key?</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Comes angrily down to her, bills in hand, speaks in a +whisper, very rapidly and fiercely.</i>] Yes! And I say that a woman who +goes and runs up bills like these, [<i>dashing the back of one hand +against the bills in the other</i>] while her husband is smoking threepenny +cigars, will very soon bring herself and him to one of those new +palatial workhouses where, thank heaven, the cuisine and appointments +are now +<a name="corr10" id="corr10"></a><a class="correction" href="#cn10" title="changed from 'organgized'"> +organized</a> with a view of providing persons of your tastes with +every luxury at the ratepayers' expense. [<i>Returns angrily to the bills, +turns them over.</i>] Irish lace bolero! [<i>Turns to another.</i>] Fur motor +coat, fifty-five guineas——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Calmly gazing at the ceiling.</i>] You told me to look as smart +as Mrs. Colefield.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[77]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Not at that price! If I'd known what that motor tour would cost +by Jove! I'd——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> You're getting noisy again. You'll wake my father.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> He ought to be waked! He ought to know what his daughter is +saddling me with.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Very well, if you don't care how shabby I look——</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Shabby! [<i>Referring to bills.</i>] Lace demi-toilette! Point de +Venise lace Directoire coat! Shabby?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> My dear Harry, do you suppose we shall ever agree as to what +constitutes shabbiness?</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> No, I'm hanged if we ever shall!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Then suppose we drop the subject. For the future I shall +endeavor to please you entirely.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Oh, you will?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> By dressing so that you'll be ashamed to be seen in the same +street with me. I shall make myself a perfect fright—a perfect dowdy—a +perfect draggletail!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Then I shall not be seen in the same street with you.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> You won't?</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> No, my dear. Make no mistake about that!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> You'll be seen with somebody else, perhaps?</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Very likely.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Have you met Miss Smithson again?</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Not since the last time.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Have you seen her since we were at Folkestone?</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> What's that to do with your bills?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> A great deal. That night at dinner she told you her dress +allowance was a hundred and twenty a year, and you said you wished she'd +give me a few lessons in economy. +<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[78]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> I did not.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Pardon me, you did!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Pardon me, I did not. I said she might give <i>some</i> women a +lesson in economy.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> You did not! I heard every word of your conversation, and you +distinctly asked her to give me, your wife, a few lessons in economy.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> I'll swear I didn't!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Ask my father! He was there.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Very well! I'll ask him the first thing in the morning.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> No, to-night! You've accused me of deliberately saying what +isn't true, and I——</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> I have not!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes, you have. And I insist on having it cleared up to-night! I +don't suppose he's asleep! Fetch him down!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Very well! I will fetch him down! [<i>Exit.</i></p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Paces furiously up and down.</i>] Me! Lessons in economy! +Lessons in economy! Me! Lessons in economy!</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><i>Re-enter</i> <span class="smcap">Harry.</span></div> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> He'll be down in a +<a name="corr11" id="corr11"></a><a class="correction" href="#cn11" title="changed from 'mniute'"> +minute</a>! Meantime, [<i>very angry</i>] I want to +know what any woman in this world wants with two dozen cache corsets?</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Banging his free hand on the bills.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> We'll clear up Miss Smithson first——</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> No, we will not clear up Miss Smithson——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Because you can't clear up Miss Smithson——</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> I can clear up Miss Smithson——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> You cannot clear up Miss Smithson——</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>appears at door in dressing-gown, rubbing his eyes and looking +very sleepy.</i></div> + +<p>Dad, you remember Miss Smithson—<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[79]</a></span>—</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Coming in, very sleepy.</i>] Smithson?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> The girl at the hotel at Folkestone, that Harry paid so much +attention to.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> I paid no more attention to Miss Smithson than was absolutely +necessary. Did I, Mr. Barron?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Oh! Oh! Dad, you remember——</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Not for the moment——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Not the disgraceful way Harry—there's no other word—carried +on!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> I did not carry on—Mr. Barron, I appeal to you.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Dad!</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> My dear, I certainly did not notice——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> No, he was far too careful to let anyone notice it, except his +own wife!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> You lay your life when I do carry on my wife will be the last +person I shall allow to notice it!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> I daresay! Dad, did you hear that?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Yes. [<i>Rousing himself a little.</i>] Now, Harry, what about this +Miss Smithson?</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> That's what I want to know!</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Who is Miss Smithson?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Surely you remember that lanky girl——</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Miss Smithson is not lanky——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Not lanky? Not lanky?! You can't have any eyes——!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> That's what I've often thought——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Explodes.</i>] Oh! Oh! Dad!</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Come, Harry, let's clear this up. [<i>Suddenly.</i>] Smithson? Oh +yes! The girl who sat on your left at your dinner party——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> That's the one!</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> I should call her a trifle lanky, Harry.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> A trifle? Well, never mind! You remember that dinner party——</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Cautiously.</i>] Ye-es.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[80]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> You remember how she waited for a lull in the talk, and then +she said with that silly, simpering, appealing look——</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Miss Smithson's look is not silly or simpering.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Well, it's appealing, isn't it?</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>With a little chuckle.</i>] Oh, yes, it's appealing.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Enraged.</i>] Oh! Dad!</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Quiets her.</i>] Shush!—What did she say?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> She said with a very marked glance at me, "My dress allowance +is a hundred and twenty a year, and I don't understand how any +reasonable woman can wish for more!" What do you think of that?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Well, if she did say that, and if she glanced at you, it——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> It wasn't very nice of her.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Nice? It was an insult! A direct, intentional, abominable +insult, wasn't it?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Yes, yes, decidedly, under the circumstances——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> And Harry ought to have resented it?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> At his own dinner table he couldn't, could he?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes! At least, if he couldn't resent it, he ought to have +<i>shown</i> that he resented it. Instead of that, he actually asked her to +give me a few lessons in economy!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> I did not!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Pardon me, you did! Me! his wife! Lessons in economy!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> And a thundering good thing if she had given you a few before +you ran up these bills!</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Dashes his hand on to the bills.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> There! You hear?!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[81]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Come, Harry, you oughtn't to have asked another woman to give +your wife lessons in economy.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> I didn't!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Dad! You were there——</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Yes, but I don't quite remember——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> You don't remember?! Surely you can remember a simple thing +like that when your own daughter tells you it was so!</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Now, Harry, what did you really say to Miss Smithson?</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> I said she might give <i>some</i> women a lesson in economy.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Not meaning Dolly?</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Giving him a wink to say "No."</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> No-o.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Then whom did he mean? Lessons in economy? Whom <i>could</i> he mean +if he didn't mean me?</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Just so!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Ah! There! You see, he owns it!</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> No, no, I'm sure he doesn't mean it! Did you, Harry?</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Winking +at</i> <span class="smcap">Harry</span>.</p></div> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Then will he please say what he really does mean?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Now, Harry, what do you really mean?</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Well, you remember that night of the dinner party at +Folkestone.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Cautiously.</i>] Ye-es.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> After they'd all gone you and I went into the smoking-room, +didn't we?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Cautiously.</i>] Ye-es.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> And you said, "Doll's in one of her high gales again!"</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> High gales?! [<i>Indignant.</i>] Father! You didn't say that?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> No, no, my dear—<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[82]</a></span>—</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Excuse me, those were your exact words. High gales!</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> I don't remember.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> No, you don't remember anything.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> You said, "What on earth was up between her and Miss Smithson +at dinner?"</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> You see! That proves exactly what I said!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> No, by Jove, it proves that your father noticed what a +confounded, cussed——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Go on! Go on! Say it!</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Shush! Shush! Well, Harry, what did you say?</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Well, not wishing to give Dolly away——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Ha! ha! Not wishing to give me away!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Not then! But, by Jove, if any decent chap were to come along +now——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Exploding.</i>] There! There! [<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span>.] And you sit there and +hear my own husband insult me in my own house!</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> No! No!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> But there you sit! There you sit!</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Jumps up fiercely.</i>] Now, Harry!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Fiercely.</i>] Well, now, Mr. Barron——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Why don't you defend me? Why don't you demand an apology?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> What for?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> For everything! For to-night! For that night at Folkestone!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> That night at Folkestone! Why, your father was quite on my +side——</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> What?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> He wasn't; were you, Dad?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> No—no.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> What? [<i>Fiercely.</i>] Do you remember exactly what passed between +us in the smoking-room, Mr. Barron?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[83]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> No.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Then I'll tell you——</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Retreating towards door.</i>] No—no—I don't want to know——</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Following him up, shouting a little.</i>] You said, "I know what +she's like in her high gales! I remember what the little devil was like +at home."</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Pursuing him up to door.</i>] Father! You didn't say that!</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> No—no, my darling—quite a mistake—quite a mistake—altogether +a mistake.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Gets thankfully off at back.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Calls after him.</i>] Then why don't you stay and tell him so!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Shouts after</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span>.] It's not a mistake!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Calls after</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span>.] It's cowardly of you to leave me here to +be insulted.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Goes up to door, shouts.</i>] It's not a mistake! You patted me +on the back and said, "Poor chap! Poor chap!" You know you did! [<i>Closes +the door, comes fiercely down to</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly</span>.] It's not a mistake! He could +see you had insulted Miss Smithson.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> I had not insulted her! I was far too civil to her, considering +that the next evening you took her out on the Leas, when you ought to +have been at billiards——</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> I took her out on the Leas!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes! You weren't in the billiard-room! So where were you? Where +were you?</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> I jolly well don't know, and I—I——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Say it! Say it!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> I damned well don't care!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Ah!</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[84]</a></span></p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>She seizes the box, brings it up to him, puts it irritatingly in +front of him; he seizes it, they struggle for it, trying to take +it out of each other's hands; she screams, he tries to get it; +there is a scuffle round the room; he tries to rub her knuckles; +she makes a little feint to bite him; in the struggle the box drops +on the floor a little below the table, right.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Jobling! Jobling! Jobling!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Now, madam, for the last time, have I all your bills?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Jobling! Jobling! Jobling!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Have I all your bills?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Jobling! Jobling! Jobling!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Once more, madam, have I all your bills?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> No, you haven't!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Then please hand them over to me this instant, so that I may +take proceedings.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Laughing.</i>] Proceedings! Ha! Take your proceedings!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> By Jove! I will take proceedings.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Take them! Take them!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Walking about furiously with the bills.</i>] So this is the way +the money goes! [<i>Banging the bills.</i>] While I have to smoke twopenny +cigars! And can't get a decent dinner!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> You can't get a decent dinner?</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> No! Look at those messes last night. They weren't fit for a +cook-shop.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Oh! Oh! Oh! Get a housekeeper! Get a housekeeper!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> By Jove! that's what I mean to do!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Have Miss Smithson! Send for her to-morrow morning! I'll hand +her over the keys!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Shouting.</i>] And please hand me over the rest of your bills! +The rest of your bills, madam!</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>marches up to the desk.</i></p></div><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[85]</a></span></p> + +<div class="blockquot"><span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>appears at door in dressing-gown.</i></div> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> I can't get a wink of sleep——</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>takes out about twenty more bills.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> I insist on seeing the whole lot! So there!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Flourishing the bills, strewing them on the floor.</i>] Well +there! And there! And there! And there! Now you've got the whole lot! +And I hope you're satisfied. I'm going into Renie's room! [<i>Exit.</i></p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> I insist on your going through these bills——</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Following her off. Their voices are heard retreating upstairs</i>, +<span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>saying</i>, "go through the bills! Send for Miss Smithson! Have +her here to-morrow morning! Take your proceedings," <span class="smcap">Harry</span> <i>saying</i>, +"I insist on going through the bills to-night! Do you hear, madam, +I insist! Will you come down and go through these bills," etc.</p></div> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Listens, as their voices die away. When the voices have +ceased, he surveys the scene.</i>] We're making a splendid start for the +New Year!</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Sees the box on the floor, picks it up, carefully places it on +table and goes off.</i></p></div> + +<p><br /></p> +<p class="center">CURTAIN.</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[86]</a></span></p> +<p class="center">(<i>A year passes between Acts III and IV.</i>)</p> + +<h3><a name="ACT_IV" id="ACT_IV"></a>ACT IV.</h3> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Scene</span>: <i>The same.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Time</span>: <i>Afternoon of January 1st, 1908.</i></p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span>, <i>followed by</i> <span class="smcap">Criddle</span>. <span class="smcap">Lucas</span> <i>has his left +collar-bone broken, and his arm is strapped across his breast; his +coat is buttoned loosely over the arm, the left sleeve hanging +down.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> They've gone to meet me?</p> + +<p><i>Criddle.</i> Yes, sir.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> By the road?</p> + +<p><i>Criddle.</i> Yes, sir.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> That's how I've missed them. My car broke down the other side +of the clump, and so I walked over the fields.</p> + +<p><i>Criddle.</i> Yes, sir. I beg pardon, I hope the arm isn't serious.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> No, Criddle. Just serious enough to get me a couple of months' +leave, so that I could spend the New Year in England.</p> + +<p><i>Criddle.</i> You had it very hot in India, I suppose, sir?</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Blazing!</p> + +<p><i>Criddle.</i> We've got the same old weather here, you see, sir.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Same old weather! Had any visitors for Christmas, Criddle?</p> + +<p><i>Criddle.</i> Mr. Barron, of course, and Professor and Mrs. Sturgess.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Same old visitors—same visitors, I should say. Mr. Pilcher +still Vicar here, I suppose?</p> + +<p><i>Criddle.</i> Yes, sir. He gave us a wonderful sermon at the old year's +service last night.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[87]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Same old sermon!</p> + +<p><i>Criddle.</i> No, sir. Not exactly the same sermon, though it had similar +points to last year. Ah! You came over for the old year's service last +year?</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Yes, and a rattling good sermon it was!</p> + +<p><i>Criddle.</i> Very powerful and persuading, wasn't it, sir? It even touched +me up a bit.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> In what way, Criddle?</p> + +<p><i>Criddle.</i> I used to have my ten bob on any horse as I fancied, but I +never put a farthing on anything—not even on Sulky Susan for the Oaks.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> You didn't?</p> + +<p><i>Criddle.</i> No, and thank God, in a manner of speaking, that I didn't, +for she never pulled it off. I owe that to Mr. Pilcher. No, I never +touched a thing till the Leger. That reminds me——</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> What, Criddle?</p> + +<p><i>Criddle.</i> Why, last year, after Mr. Pilcher's sermon, the master had a +collecting box, and when he found himself going a bit off the straight +he used to put in a shilling or half-a-crown for Mr. Pilcher's blanket +fund——</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Yes, of course! And Uncle Matt promised him a sovereign for +each of us if we had carried out our good resolutions. Is that coming +off, Criddle?</p> + +<p><i>Criddle.</i> I expect it is, sir. Mr. Pilcher is coming here this +afternoon, and the master told me to be sure and find the box before he +gets here.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Find the box?</p> + +<p><i>Criddle.</i> Nobody has seen anything of it for some months. Excuse me, +sir, I must look for it.</p> + +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[88]</a></span></p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Criddle</span>.</p></div> + +<div class="blockquot"><p><span class="smcap">Lucas</span> <i>takes out letter from an unsealed envelope, glances through +it, sits at table, takes out pencil, adds a short note, puts letter +in envelope, seals it up, puts it in his tail pocket, goes to +conservatory, looks in.</i> <span class="smcap">Renie</span> <i>enters at door behind him. She +starts, as he turns round.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>In a whisper.</i>] You're here already?</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Yes——</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Your wound?</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Much better. Nearly well.</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> I'm so glad——</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> I'm not. I shall have to cut it back to India directly. Why +didn't you answer my last letter?</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> I did—and tore it up.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Tore it up?</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> What's the use? I told you last year we could never be anything +to each other!</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> But you didn't mean it?</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>He seizes her hand and kisses it several times.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Feebly attempting to withdraw it.</i>] Yes—yes, I did. Hush!</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> I want you to read this. [<i>Shows her the letter.</i></p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Heard through the door which is open a few inches.</i>] Have you +found the box, Criddle?</p> + +<p><i>Criddle.</i> No, sir. I've hunted everywhere.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Have another look. We must have it ready for Mr. Pilcher.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p><span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>enters. Meantime</i> <span class="smcap">Renie</span> <i>has crept to upper conservatory door +and gone off signing to</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span> <i>to keep silence. He has taken the +letter out of his pocket and held it up for her to see, putting it +back before</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>enters.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Ah, Lucas. So you've got here. Happy New Year!</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Happy New Year, Uncle Matt. [<i>Cordially shaking hands.</i></p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Glad to see you back in England.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Glad to be back!</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> How's the arm?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[89]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Splendid—nearly well. Dolly and Harry all right?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> First rate. They'll be here directly.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> The Sturgesses are here again, Criddle tells me.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Ye-es.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Gray matter still going strong?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Booming.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> How's Mrs. Sturgess?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> As usual, a little inclined to flop about and play act——</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Yes. Jolly good-looking woman though, eh?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Very. Lucas——</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Well?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> You're quite cured, eh?</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Cured?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Of your infatuation for her.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Infatuation? Well, I admired her, and perhaps it was lucky I +was ordered out to India——</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> I managed that for you, my boy.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> You did!?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Sir John wanted a smart A.D.C., so I drove over to Aldershot, +urged your claims, and got you the appointment.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> So that was why I was packed off. It was you who——</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Aren't you thankful I did?</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Yes, much obliged to you, much obliged!</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> So you ought to be. And so's the lady.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Is she?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Yes. When we got your wire yesterday saying you'd motor down +to-day, Dolly had a long talk with her, and the result was she thanked +Dolly and me for getting you out of the way and saving her from you.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[90]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Did she?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Yes, for twenty minutes. She kissed Dolly, and I think she would +have kissed me, only I didn't feel myself quite worthy.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Oh, so that's all settled!</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> That's all settled. At least, let's hope so.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> What do you mean?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Well, you won't come——</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> What?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> The same old game.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> What same old game?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Why, <i>the</i> same old game!</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> You must be judging me by yourself, when you were young.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> My dear boy, that's just what I am doing. Lucas, there's not +going to be any repetition——</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> No—no.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Because it isn't the right thing to do, is it?</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> No.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Very well then, don't do it!</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> I won't! [<i>Listening.</i>] Ah! [<span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Harry's</span> <i>voices heard +in hall</i>] Dolly and Harry!</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p><span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Harry</span> <i>enter very lovingly.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Hillo, Doll, old girl! Happy New Year!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Happy New Year, Lu!</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Harry, old brick, how goes it?</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Splendid!</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Happy New Year!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Happy New Year! [<i>Looking lovingly at</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly</span>.] By Jove, Doll, +you can foot it. [<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span>.] Doll and I have just raced up from the +farm. She licked me! bless her!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes, because you encouraged me!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Looking at her lovingly and admiringly, kisses her +heartily.</i>] There aren't many things this little woman can't do.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[91]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> When you encourage me!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Oh, I'll encourage you!</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>He again kisses her heartily.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Well, Lu, old boy, glad to see you home again. Arm pretty bad?</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> No, nearly well, unfortunately.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Down for the day?</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Well, now my car has broken down, I was wondering if you'd put +me up——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Firmly.</i>] No. We shall be pleased for you to stay to dinner.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> There's the spare room, Doll.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Firmly.</i>] No. That may be wanted for Renie or myself.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Half aside to her.</i>] I say, not for you, old girl!</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Oh, well, I shall have to get a shake-down at the Red Lion.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Renie</span> <i>at back, still in outdoor clothes.</i></div> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Feigning a little surprise.</i>] Captain Wentworth! A happy New +Year!</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Happy New Year, Mrs. Sturgess.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Shaking hands.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> So sorry to hear of your wound!</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Oh, it's healed, thank you.</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> I'm so glad. Shall you be making a long stay in England?</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> I fear only a few days longer.</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> I'm sorry your visit will be so short.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><span class="smcap">Criddle</span> <i>enters triumphantly with the hospital box which is very mouldy +and dusty—he has also duster in his hand.</i></div> + +<p><i>Criddle.</i> I've found him, sir—</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Rather mouldy, eh?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[92]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Criddle.</i> Oh, we'll soon put that to rights, sir.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Begins to dust the box carefully.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Looks well for your household discipline here, Harry.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> How?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> You've had no occasion to use him lately.</p> + +<p><i>Criddle.</i> [<i>Displaying the box, having carefully dusted it.</i>] There he +is, sir, Hospital for Incurables! Nearly as good as new.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Where did you find him?</p> + +<p><i>Criddle.</i> In the wine-cellar, of all places! I was getting out a bottle +of the sixty-eight port for New Year's night, and happening to put my +hand behind, there he was!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Has a sudden gesture of remembrance.</i>] Yes, I remember!</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> What should incurables be doing in the wine-cellar? [<i>Holds out +his hand to</i> <span class="smcap">Criddle</span> <i>for the box.</i> <span class="smcap">Criddle</span>, <i>who has been holding it +carefully, gives it to</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span>. <i>Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Criddle</span>. <span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>gives the box a +shake. It rattles as if half full of coins. He shakes it again, more +violently; it rattles again.</i>] Internal organs sound healthy. How did he +get into the wine-cellar, Harry?</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Well, Dolly and I had been having a little tiff one +morning—nothing serious——</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> No. When was that?</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> March, wasn't it?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> May, I think——</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> No, it wasn't that one—Well, never mind, I got so riled at +Dolly always poking this box in front of me whenever I happened to—so I +thought the wine-cellar would be the safest place for it.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Gives it another rattle.</i>] Well, here he is, turned up just at +the right moment! And here you all are, Dolly, Harry, Lucas, Mrs. +Sturgess—all<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[93]</a></span> clamouring for me to redeem my promise and put in a +sovereign for each of you.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><span class="smcap">Criddle</span> <i>appears at door announcing</i> <span class="smcap">Mr. Pilcher</span>. <span class="smcap">Pilcher</span> <i>enters with +four oblong brown paper parcels of equal size. Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Criddle</span>.</div> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Happy New Year to you all! Excuse me. [<i>Depositing his +parcels.</i>] My New Year's gifts to a few of my parishioners!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> New Year's gifts!</p> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> To those who need them. [<i>Shaking hands with her.</i>] Happy New +Year, Mr. Barron!</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Shaking hands.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Happy New Year!</p> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> How do this morning, Telfer! [<span class="smcap">Harry</span> <i>nods.</i>] My dear Mrs. +Sturgess! [<i>Shaking hands.</i></p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Happy New Year! What a lovely sermon you gave us again last +night!</p> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Lovely! Well, say healthy, bracing.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> A jolly good rouser again. Made me feel—well——</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Gives +himself a shake.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Ah, Captain Wentworth, happy New Year!</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> [<i>Shaking hands.</i>] Happy New Year!</p> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> I heard you were wounded——</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Oh, that's done with.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> We were just talking about our New Year's inquest——</p> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Inquest?!</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Into the characters of Dolly and Harry and——</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Glancing at</i> +<span class="smcap">Renie</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span>.</p></div> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Oh, please don't talk about inquests. Nobody's character is +dead here.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> I hope not! We shall see——</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Uncle, you don't really mean——</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> It was a bona fide bargain on my side, but if you wish to avoid +any awkward little exposures, or<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[94]</a></span> if Mr. Pilcher will kindly waive his +claims to my contributions——</p> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> I'm afraid I can't. I have come here for the express purpose +of bearing away my trophy—Ah! [<i>Seeing box on table, takes it, gives it +a shake; his features assume a pleasant smile.</i>] It seems to have proved +a very wholesome household regulator.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Yes, by Jove! It hadn't been in the house twenty-four hours +before I put in a sovereign.</p> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> A sovereign?</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> The first night of last year Dolly and I had a little +tiff—nothing serious—and so the next morning I made it up and—didn't +I, Dolly?——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> You did! And paid my bills like a lamb, you dear!</p> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> And put in a sovereign? [<i>Rattles the box again.</i>] I won't +say "Don't have any more household tiffs," but I will say "Don't omit to +liquidate them." [<i>Gives the box another rattle.</i>] The box must have +been in pretty constant use since——</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Ye-es.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><span class="smcap">Professor Sturgess</span> <i>enters at back, with the proofs of his book in his +hand.</i></div> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> How do you do?</p> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> [<i>Has put down box.</i>] How do you do? [<i>Shaking hands.</i>] Happy +New Year!</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> Happy New Year to you! [<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span>.] How d'ye do?</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> First rate. Happy New Year!</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Shaking hands.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> Thank you. An accident?</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Bit of one. Getting over it.</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> If I might recommend the constant use of Pableine.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Oh, thanks, it's quite well—<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[95]</a></span>—</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> Try Pableine. It's a wonderful restorative. I'm intruding——</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Looking round.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Not at all. We were just about to settle the question Mr. +Barron raised last New Year's day——</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> Oh, yes; I remember! Curiously enough I have only this morning +received the proofs of my new volume, "Free Will, the Illusion."</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Showing the proofs to</i> <span class="smcap">Pilcher</span>.</p></div> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Very interesting. I should like to discuss the matter with +you, but [<i>taking out watch</i>] I have so many New Year's calls to make. +[<i>Looking at</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span>.] Perhaps we ought to get on with the—a——</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Inquest.</p> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Vindication.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Accepting the correction.</i>] Vindication.</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> I may perhaps be allowed to point out that Mr. Barron's novel +and humorous experiment can in no sense be said to settle, or even to +touch, the question of Free Will, which as I have proved here depends +upon—— [<i>Again offering the proof.</i></p> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> I should like to look through those sheets, but——</p> + + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Glancing at</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span>.</p></div> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> You shall! I have put the whole argument into the concrete case +of Sarah Mumford——</p> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Sarah Mumford?</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> The baby farmer——</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Sarah's gray matter gone watery?</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> Not watery, but she had a yellow effusion——</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> I suppose that's just as bad?</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> Quite.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> What did they do with her?</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> They hanged her. They then discovered extensive +<a name="corr12" id="corr12"></a><a class="correction" href="#cn12" title="changed from 'lessions'"> +lesions</a> and this +yellow effusion——</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Pity they didn't discover that before they hanged her.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[96]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> My exact point! Where is the justice of punishing a woman whose +gray matter functions perversely? It is nothing short of a crime.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> But she had suffocated five dear little babies?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> How could she avoid suffocating babies if she had a yellow +effusion in her brain?</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> Precisely my argument——</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Puts his proofs into</i> <span class="smcap">Matt's</span> <i>hands. +Points out a passage</i>. <span class="smcap">Matt</span>, <i>a little embarrassed, takes them, looks +through them.</i>]</p></div> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> The point I wish to establish is this. While we all allow that +extensive or recognizable diseases of, or injuries to, the brain, free a +man from responsibility and punishment, how can we logically mete out +blame or praise, punishment or reward to our ordinary acts, thoughts, +and impulses, seeing that all our acts, thoughts, and impulses, good or +bad, virtuous or criminal, are equally the mere expressions of certain +inevitable physical changes in the brain, the mere register on the dial +plate of consciousness of necessary predetermined complications in the +working of certain atoms of the gray matter of our cortex?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Quite so! Quite so! [<span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>is about to speak, but</i> <span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>hushes +her down with a warning look and sign.</i>] The Professor wants to say with +Socrates that no man would be such a fool as to do wrong, if he could +possibly help it.</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> Well, if you like to put it that way——</p> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> And now perhaps we might proceed. Can you remember the exact +terms, Mr. Barron?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> I am to pay a sovereign for everyone of your hearers who has so +far benefited by the wise admonitions of your last year's sermon as to +have broken off his bad habits, or some especial bad habit——</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> We aren't bound to say what the habit is that we've broken +off?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[97]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> I don't wish to be inquisitive, but if you don't mention the +particular bad habit, you will have to give me your word of honor that +you've conquered it. [<i>Putting down proofs on table, taking up the +money-box, giving it a shake.</i>] Now, who will be first to step into the +confessional? [<i>Looking round.</i></p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> I will. As I've nothing to confess.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Nothing?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> No. I had what some husbands might think a bad habit, but——</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> No bills this Christmas, eh, Doll?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> No.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> You're sure now, my darling?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> None of any importance.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> What do you mean of any importance?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Well, you must have some bills—they grow up before you +know—such as Doctors' bills—you can't settle them all on the spur of +the moment, but I've nothing—nothing of importance. So please put in +your sovereign for me, Dad, and look pleasant about it.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> You declare upon your word of honor that you have broken off +your bad habit of running up bills?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Entirely?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes. You said you wouldn't be inquisitive.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Yes, but——</p> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Mrs. Telfer has given her word. I think I may claim one +victory for free will, [<i>nodding victoriously at the</i> <span class="smcap">Professor</span> <i>who +shakes his head</i>], and one sovereign for the Blanket Club.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Hum! [<i>Draws a sovereign out of his pocket and very reluctantly +drops it into the box, shakes his head at</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>who looks a little +uncomfortable.</i>] Who volunteers next?</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> I do. No—I'll wait a little—I want to make<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[98]</a></span> sure that I am +perfectly honest with myself and with everybody.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> That perhaps may need a little consideration, Lucas?</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Oh, let Harry have his doing first!</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Now, Harry!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Oh, well, here goes! I'm going to make a clean breast. The fact +is I've made a thundering mess of it.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Ah!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> I did begin all right except for a little tiff with Dolly—and +then I kept on pretty well for some time, and then—well I don't know—I +seemed to go all to pieces and—[<span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>rattles the money-box.</i>] However, +better luck this year.</p> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Shall we say a little more resolution?</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Oh, I mean to pull myself together this year.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Perhaps you tried too much reforming, Harry—too many irons in +the fire, eh?</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Well, it's jolly hard to keep it up. And I'd got pretty slack +till you woke us up last night—I say, that was a rouser again.</p> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> It wasn't a very bad sermon, was it? Well now for the next +year shall we make one especial effort in one especial +direction—Say——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Temper, eh, Harry?</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Right, old girl! Oh, I mean it.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> No victory for free will, and the Blanket Club, this time. Game +and game, eh? Now which of you two——</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Looking at</i> <span class="smcap">Renie</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span>.</p></div> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> I'll be your first victim. [<i>Coming into the middle of the +room, and posing.</i>] It's so strange that what you started as a jest——</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Oh no, in deadly earnest I assure you.</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> In this life who knows what is jest and what<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[99]</a></span> is earnest? The +least little innocent thing may turn to a tragedy in a moment——</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Surely you haven't had any little tragedies?</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> No, last year a mere little circumstance might have turned to a +tragedy—honestly I wasn't to blame, but perhaps I was a little +careless, and two dear friends came to me with their counsel, and what +might have been a tragedy was turned to a comedy, thanks to those two +dear friends!</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> My dear, may I ask "what circumstance" you are alluding to?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> We said we wouldn't be inquisitive——</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> No, but I cannot recall anything in my wife's life during the +last twelve months that even approached a tragedy——</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> I said the affair was quite unimportant——</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> Then I wish, my dear, you wouldn't magnify everything, and I +wish you would read solid scientific works in place of rubbishy French +novels—and above all, take a little more regular exercise!</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Perhaps Mrs. Sturgess may consider that little point during the +coming year. Meantime, [<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Renie</span>] may we be confident your little +tragedy is ended——</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Oh yes, quite.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> We needn't ask its nature, but you give us your word of honor?</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Looks at her very searchingly and speaking seriously.</i>]</p></div> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Yes, my word of honor.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Thank you.</p> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Another victory.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Looks searchingly at her, drops a sovereign in the box.</i>] +Lucas?</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> [<i>Coming cheerfully forward.</i>] My turn for the thumbscrew!</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> You seem very cheerful about it.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[100]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Yes, I'm going to make a jolly good show.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> What particular bad habit have you conquered during the past +year?</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> I don't know that I've conquered any one in particular, but +I've had a regular good go in all round, so altogether I can pat myself +on the back.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> But I want to know one particular habit conquered—for instance, +you weren't very careful what ladies you made love to, or how many of +them at the same time——</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> I say, Uncle Matt, drop this——</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> And a year or two ago you went just a little bit off the +straight——</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Oh no I didn't.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> I want to know——</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Thank you, no more thumbscrew. I'm out of this before it goes +any further.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> It isn't going any further. [<i>Putting his hand on</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas's</span> +<i>shoulder.</i>] Give me your word of honor——</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> That's all very well, it wasn't a very bad case, and I don't +think you should have brought it up. But as you have—well, I did meet a +lady, and I was very much attracted to her, but I summoned all my +resolution, and there the matter ended.</p> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> I think I may claim a victory here.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> So please put in your sovereign.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Very seriously.</i>] If you will give me your word of honor that +you have absolutely broken off——</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Yes, yes, of course I have.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>puts in a sovereign, hands the box to</i> <span class="smcap">Pilcher</span>.</p></div> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Three victories and one draw out of four. Most satisfactory. +[<i>Taking out watch.</i>] I must hurry off to the White House and see what +they're doing there. [<i>Rattling the box.</i>] Excellent results! So<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[101]</a></span> +excellent that I think I'm justified in making you a little New Year's +gift.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Going to his heap of brown-paper parcels.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> A New Year's gift! How kind of you! To me?</p> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> [<i>Opening his parcel.</i>] To you and your husband. To your +husband in particular, because, although he may have fallen a little +short of perfection during the last year—like some of the rest of +us—yet I feel sure that during this coming year—[<i>They have all been +watching him curiously; he has now opened the parcel and displays a very +bright brand new collecting box, with Crookbury Blanket Club painted on +it, in large letters. It is much larger than the hospital box.</i>] My +household regulator! [<i>Giving it to</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly</span>.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Who has shown considerable disappointment on the opening of +the parcel.</i>] Crookbury Blanket Club! Thank you so much, for Harry's +sake. Harry! For you, dear.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>She gives the box to</i> <span class="smcap">Harry</span>, <i>who places it on the same table.</i>]</p></div> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> You call it the household regulator?</p> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Yes—I have suggested it to several of my brethren. Oh, its +use will become very general throughout the diocese.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> You think it will work well?</p> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> It cannot fail. A box of this character—larger or smaller, +according to the size of the family and their behaviour is left at each +house on the first of the year. All little failings, peccadilloes, and +asperities are strictly fined. The inevitable result is that either the +family behaviour improves, or the parish charities benefit. I'm starting +its operation in my parish to-day. Forgive any inexcusable rudeness in +leaving the first box with you. I must hurry off! [<i>Shaking hands.</i>] +Good-bye, Professor.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[102]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> I should like to make that point clear with regard to free +will——</p> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> When you have an hour, or shall I say a year, to spare, we +might argue it out——</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> You're going to the White House? If I might accompany you——</p> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> Delighted!</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Shakes hands in dumb show with</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Harry</span>.</p></div> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> Renie, you've had your restless fits again. You'd better come +with us——</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> But I've already been walking——</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> My dear, this bracing country air is just what you need. Keep +out in it all the day long——</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Oh, very well—the White House, and the fish-pond as usual, I +suppose?</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> As usual. Come along.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Exit.</i> <span class="smcap">Renie</span> <i>slightly shrugs her shoulders, very slightly +glances at</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span> <i>and exit after</i> <span class="smcap">Professor</span>.</p></div> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> The dear old fish-pond! We might all take a stroll there!</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Good idea! The dear old fish-pond! We might all take a stroll +there!</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Linking his arm with</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span>.</p></div> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> [<i>Suspicious, holding back.</i>] I don't know that I care—we went +there last year——</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> We did! Same old game, eh? Come along.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Drags</i> <span class="smcap">Lucas</span> <i>off</i>.</p></div> + +<p><i>Pilcher.</i> [<i>Has been gathering up his parcels.</i>] Well, good-bye! +Good-bye! [<i>Rattles the hospital box vigorously.</i>] Three splendid +victories for free will and moral resolution!</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Exit, rattling the box.</i></p></div><p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[103]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Doll, you really haven't got any bills this year?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> No! no! Only the few little oddments that no woman can prevent.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> You might let me see the little oddments——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> I will. [<i>Suddenly.</i>] Oh Harry, I quite forgot! Do forgive me!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> What?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> I never wrote the geyser bath people!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Never mind the geyser bath.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> And only this morning you rowed me because I hadn't got it +ready for the New Year! Where did you put their address?</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> I don't know! Somewhere upstairs among my papers.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Gently pushing him off.</i>] I can just catch to-night's post! +Make haste and get it! Quick! There's a dear! And then we can get the +bath fixed up for you next week.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Ye—es. I say, Doll, I mean to get those oddments fixed up +to-night.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Taps the writing-case significantly and exit.</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>looks +frightened, sees him off, goes up to writing-desk, takes out bills, +looks at them, throws up her arms in despair, groans, slams down +the writing-desk, looks at the chair she has touched in first act, +shows great resolution, marches up and touches it.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes! Yes! I have got free will.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Goes back from it, again looks at it, again marches up to it, +touches it.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Then why do I keep on having bills?</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><span class="smcap">Renie</span> <i>enters in great agitation and distress.</i><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[104]</a></span></div> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Oh, Dolly!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> What's the matter?</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Oh, Dolly!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> What is it?</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Throws her arms round</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>affectionately.</i>] You've always +been such a true friend to me——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes, dear.</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> More like a sister. And I know I may trust you now.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>A little suspicious.</i>] Yes. Has anything happened?</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Yes. Oh, Dolly——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Tell me!</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> As we were going out at the garden gate, Captain Wentworth held +out a letter behind his back for me to take——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> What?!</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> But now his arm is wounded he couldn't manage it properly, and +he dropped it. I hurried to pick it up, and then my husband noticed and +insisted on reading it——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> What was in the letter?</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> It wasn't so very bad, but my husband has chosen to jump to a +wrong conclusion, and—oh, Dolly, you can help me!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Coldly, relaxing her embrace.</i>] How?</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> If you'd only let me tell my husband that I was receiving it +for you——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> What?!</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> There was no address, and fortunately it was so worded that it +showed that you weren't really guilty.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Oh! I wasn't really guilty?</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> In fact, it proves your complete innocence.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> I'm glad of that.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[105]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Then you'll let me say it was you?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> No! You can't suppose I should let my own cousin make love to +me in my own house?!</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> You won't help me?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes, any way but that! How could you be so foolish?</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> I don't know. When I heard yesterday he was coming, I quite +made up my mind I'd have nothing to say to him! Dolly, free will must be +an illusion, or else why am I always doing the things I don't mean to +do. Oh, what shall I do?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> As you are completely innocent, you'd better ask your husband +to forgive you.</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> Ye—es. No! As it is a perfectly pure and exalted attachment I +shall take that ground—at any rate at first, and see what he says. +You'll help me all you can?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes, but promise me you'll have nothing to do with Lucas in +future!</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> No, indeed! if I once get out of this.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Very well! I'll see what I can do.—Hush!</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><i>The</i> <span class="smcap">Professor</span> <i>enters with a letter in his hand</i>, <span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>soothing him.</i></div> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> [<i>Very angry.</i>] Not a word more, if you please. Mrs. Telfer, you +have doubtless heard——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes——?</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> I leave for London to-night-to consult my lawyer. Mrs. Sturgess +will, I trust, return to her friends until——</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Perhaps Mrs. Sturgess may be able to explain——</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> What explanation can be offered of language like this. [<i>Reading +from letter.</i>] "From the first moment I saw you, I felt that you were +entirely different from any woman I have ever met——" A<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[106]</a></span> monstrously +inexact statement to start with. And a woman who is capable of +practising such deceit——</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<span class="smcap">Renie</span> <i>bursts into tears</i>.</p></div> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> I think you ought to hear what Mrs. Sturgess has to say——</p> + +<p><i>Renie.</i> [<i>Through her tears.</i>] What would be the use? With such a +nature as his he could never begin to understand the loyal and exalted +devotion which Captain Wentworth feels for me! No, all my life I have +been misunderstood, misjudged, condemned! Let it be so till the end! +Dolly, come and help me pack!</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Exit</i>. <span class="smcap">Matt</span> <i>goes up to table and takes up proofs of</i> <span class="smcap">Professor's</span> +<i>book and looks through them.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> You're really too severe with poor Renie——</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> I am not severe. I simply register the inevitable sentence of +the husband upon the wife who misconducts herself!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Misconducts herself! She has merely had a little harmless +flirtation——</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> In my wife a flirtation of this character [<i>pointing to letter +in his hand</i>] constitutes grave misconduct.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> But that's perfectly ridiculous! Why it might happen to any +woman! Dad, explain to him——</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Professor, you're taking altogether a wrong view of this. Now +this case you were pointing out to me in your own book [<i>pointing to +proofs</i>]—Number forty-nine, Mrs. Copway. Remarkably handsome woman +too!—[<i>reading</i>] "The injustice and cruelty of condemning this poor +lady must be apparent to all." My dear Professor, before publishing this +book you'll have to modify your theory.</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> I cannot modify my theory. I have spent ten years in collecting +facts which prove it.<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[107]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Then, pardon me, you must really look over Mrs. Sturgess's +little indiscretion.</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> That is equally impossible——</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> But you say that her action in receiving my nephew's letter was +entirely due to the activity of certain atoms in the gray matter of her +brain.</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> Undoubtedly that is so.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Very well then, if her gray matter keeps on working wrong, +what's the use of blaming her? You say yourself there's no such thing as +free will——</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> Precisely, but I have always allowed that in the present low +moral and intellectual condition of the herd of mankind, free will is a +plausible working hypothesis.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> But it doesn't work! Free will won't work at all! Look at my +own case! Do you suppose I should go on all my life having bills if I +could help myself? [<i>Catching</i> <span class="smcap">Matt's</span> <i>eye, who looks at her gravely and +holds up his finger.</i>] Never mind my bills! Do make him see how wrong +and absurd it is to punish poor Renie when there's no such thing as free +will!</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Dolly's right! She's only saying what you have so admirably laid +down here. My dear Professor, you cannot possibly publish this book!</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> But it has been announced! I must publish it.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> You cannot. Read that. [<i>Giving the</i> <span class="smcap">Professor</span> <i>the book and +pointing out passage.</i>] Surely after that you cannot condemn Mrs. +Sturgess.</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> [<i>Taking book, glancing at the passage.</i>] Really, it's most +annoying when one's own wife upsets——</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Oh! they're always making hay of our theories one way or the +other.</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> Of course, if one presses the matter home to first +principles——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes! Yes! Well, why not act on your own<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[108]</a></span> first principles! You +ought to be very sorry for poor Renie, considering all she has suffered.</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> Suffered?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes, poor dear! You don't know what an awful struggle she has +gone through between this unfortunate flirtation and her admiration for +you.</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> Her admiration for me!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes! She always speaks of you as her great protagonist of +science.</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> [<i>Mollified.</i>] Does she? Does she?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes. If I were you I should go upstairs, and be very sweet to +her, and above all don't reproach her. We women can endure anything +except reproaches——</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> [<i>Looking at his proofs.</i>] I must publish my book. And after +all, as you say, it is useless to blame them for acting according to +the——</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> The dictates of their gray matter when, bless them, they can't +help themselves. My dear Professor, instead of condemning your wife you +ought to be condoling with her, and doing all you can to get her gray +matter into a healthy condition.</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> I will hear what she has to say.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> No. Go straight to her and forgive her, and then I'm sure her +gray matter will soon be all right. And what a triumph that will be for +you!</p> + +<p><i>Prof.</i> It does offer a way out of the difficulty. In any case I must +publish my book. [<i>Exit.</i></p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Dad, I won't have her here next Christmas.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> No, my dear, I wouldn't.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> That wretched Lucas!</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> What is to be done with him?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Pack him off! Pack him off at once!</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<span class="smcap">Lucas</span> <i>cautiously looks in from upper conservatory door.</i></p></div> +<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[109]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> I say, how's the old bird seem to take it?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Old bird!</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> He isn't going to make a shindy over a trifle like this?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Trifle! He's threatening to divorce her and expose you!</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> You don't say so. I'm awfully sorry!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Sorry!</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> I am, indeed! And any reparation I can make——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Reparation?!</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Such as an apology——</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>utters a contemptuous exclamation.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Will you give me your word of honor never to see Mrs. Sturgess +again?</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Yes.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Or write to her?</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Yes.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> The word of honour of an English gentleman used to mean +something, Lu.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> It does now, Uncle Matt!</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>Shakes hands with him heartily.</i>] Then I'll take it. Now be +off as quickly as you can and let us make the best of it for you and +her.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> Thanks. Good-bye!</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Good-bye!</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<span class="smcap">Lucas</span> <i>crosses to</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly</span>, <i>offers his hand.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> No, Lu. If Renie gets out of this safely and if you behave +yourself, I'll shake hands with you when you come back from India.</p> + +<p><i>Lucas.</i> You're taking this too seriously—you're taking it far too +seriously! [<i>Exit.</i></p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> We're making a splendid start again for the New Year!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> I hope this will be a lesson for Renie!</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> I hope so. How about yourself?<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[110]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> What do you mean?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> I put the sovereign in, but—you've got a few more bills, eh?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Just a few oddments.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> How much?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> I don't know. Dad——</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Well?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Now that South Africans have gone up at last, and you won that +splendid coup on them last week——</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Well?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> You couldn't lend me—a few hundreds—till my allowance comes +due? Just a few hundreds——</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> [<i>In a low reproachful tone, shaking his head.</i>] What? What? +What? Sad! Sad! Sad!!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Listens.</i>] There's Harry! You will help me, Dad—you will?</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> I'll see what I can do.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><span class="smcap">Harry</span> <i>enters cheerfully.</i></div> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> That's all right, Doll! There's the address.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Giving a slip of paper.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Thanks, dear.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> And now about these mere oddments?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Not now, dear.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Yes, dear, now. [<i>Very sternly.</i>] This instant!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Harry, you're going to lose your temper——</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> No. I'm going to keep a firm guard on it, but [<i>very sternly</i>] +let me see those bills.</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Creeps frightened up to the desk.</i>] I'm sure you're going to +lose your temper.</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Opens the desk.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Firmly.</i>] No. I'm quite calm. Whose bill is that? [<i>She hands +him one timorously.</i>] Fulks and Garner! Artist Furriers! More artists! +[<i>looks at total</i>]<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[111]</a></span>—one hundred and twenty-four pounds. Well, I'm——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Ah, Jobling!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> I should think I am Jobling. And you said you'd never enter +their shop again!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> I never meant it, but this time it was absolutely necessary——</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Necessary?</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Yes—you see the chief item——</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Reads.</i>] Chinchilla toque, coat, muff and boa—eighty +guineas—eighty guineas——</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> I got them as a surprise for you when we go South next week.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Surprise! Great heavens! What in the name of all——</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Shush, Harry! Her motive was a good one. She got it to please +you!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> You haven't seen it yet, it's just outside—I've a great mind +to give you a great New Year's treat and let you see it on!</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> I'm not going to be sweedled——</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Hush! Harry! Let her put it on! Let's have a look at it, and see +whether it's worth the money. Put it on, Doll. [<i>Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Dolly</span>.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> [<i>Calls after her.</i>] I tell you I'm not going to be +sweedled!——</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> What is sweedled?</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Sweedling is sweedling! It's part swindling and part wheedling! +It's what every d—ee—d good-natured husband like me has to go through, +when he's fool enough to put up with it!</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> Well, old boy, you'll have to pay, you know; it will come to +that in the end.</p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> I'm not going to be sweedled——</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> And if Dolly has been a little extravagant, I must help her out +with it to-morrow morning!<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[112]</a></span></p> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> No, we'll go into it thoroughly to-night.</p> + +<p><i>Matt.</i> No, Harry, we won't. My room is just above here. Besides, the +cook is going to give us a special New Year dinner, and I want to enjoy +it. This New Year we'll start with a comfortable evening, please!</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p><span class="smcap">Dolly</span> <i>enters at back in a very handsome Chinchilla coat.</i> <span class="smcap">Harry</span> +<i>looks a little sulky. She stands in the middle of the room and +displays it.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> Well? [<i>He looks at it rather sulkily, walks away; she follows +him.</i>] Well? [Walking after him.] Well? Well?</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>Displaying the furs.</i>]</p></div> + +<div class="blockquot"><p>[<i>He turns, looks at her, she stands and holds out her arms.</i></p></div> + +<p><i>Harry.</i> Oh, hang it all! [<i>Takes her in his arms and kisses her.</i>] +There!</p> + +<p><i>Dolly.</i> [<i>Kissing him heartily.</i>] And there! [<i>Another kiss.</i>] And +there! [<i>Another kiss.</i>] And there! [<i>Catches sight of the collecting +box, goes to it, furiously sweeps it off its table on to the floor.</i>] +<span class="smcap">And there!</span></p> + +<p><br /></p> +<p class="center">CURTAIN.</p> + +<hr style='width: 65%;' /> + +<div class="transnote"> +<h3><a name="tnotes" id="tnotes"></a> +Transcriber's note</h3> + +<p>The following changes have been made to the text:</p> + +<p>Page 7: "<span class="smcap">The Afternoon</span>" changed to "The +<a name="cn1" id="cn1"></a><a href="#corr1"><span class="smcap">afternoon</span></a>".</p> + +<p>Page 12: "thirt-four, seven" changed to +"<a name="cn2" id="cn2"></a><a href="#corr2">thirty-four</a>, seven".</p> + +<p>Page 21: "no doubt each of has his own" changed to "no doubt each of +<a name="cn3" id="cn3"></a><a href="#corr3">you</a> +has his own".</p> + +<p>Page 30: "had a plesant walk" changed to "had a +<a name="cn4" id="cn4"></a><a href="#corr4">pleasant</a> walk".</p> + +<p>Page 33: "to the time---- w" changed to "to the +<a name="cn5" id="cn5"></a><a href="#corr5">time----</a>".</p> + +<p>Page 50: "Doll." changed to " +<a name="cn6" id="cn6"></a><a href="#corr6">Dolly.</a>".</p> + +<p>Page 60: "Gibralter" changed to +"<a name="cn7" id="cn7"></a><a href="#corr7">Gibraltar</a>".</p> + +<p>Page 69: "speak for themselevs" changed to "speak for +<a name="cn8" id="cn8"></a><a href="#corr8">themselves</a>".</p> + +<p>Page 76: "least self-recpect" changed to "least +<a name="cn9" id="cn9"></a><a href="#corr9">self-respect</a>".</p> + +<p>Page 76: "now organgized" changed to "now +<a name="cn10" id="cn10"></a><a href="#corr10">organized</a>".</p> + +<p>Page 78: "down in a mniute" changed to "down in a +<a name="cn11" id="cn11"></a><a href="#corr11">minute</a>".</p> + +<p>Page 95: "extensive lessions" changed to "extensive +<a name="cn12" id="cn12"></a><a href="#corr12">lesions</a>".</p> + +</div> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Dolly Reforming Herself, by Henry Arthur Jones + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK DOLLY REFORMING HERSELF *** + +***** This file should be named 27271-h.htm or 27271-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/7/2/7/27271/ + +Produced by Bryan Ness, Carla Foust and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +book was produced from scanned images of public domain +material from the Google Print project.) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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