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diff --git a/27271.txt b/27271.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..cb04e40 --- /dev/null +++ b/27271.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5445 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Dolly Reforming Herself, by Henry Arthur Jones + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Dolly Reforming Herself + A Comedy in Four Acts + +Author: Henry Arthur Jones + +Release Date: November 15, 2008 [EBook #27271] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK DOLLY REFORMING HERSELF *** + + + + +Produced by Bryan Ness, Carla Foust and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +book was produced from scanned images of public domain +material from the Google Print project.) + + + + + +Transcriber's note + + +Minor punctuation errors have been changed without notice. A few +printer errors have been changed, and are listed at the end. All other +inconsistencies are as in the original. The author's spelling has been +maintained. + + + + + THE PLAYS OF + HENRY ARTHUR JONES + + + DOLLY + REFORMING + HERSELF + + A COMEDY IN FOUR ACTS + + BY + + HENRY ARTHUR JONES + + AUTHOR OF + + "THE LIARS," "MICHAEL AND HIS LOST ANGEL," "THE TEMPTER," + "THE CRUSADERS," "JUDAH," "THE CASE OF REBELLIOUS + SUSAN," "THE DANCING GIRL," "THE MIDDLEMAN," + "THE ROGUE'S COMEDY," "THE TRIUMPH OF THE + PHILISTINES," "THE MASQUERADERS," "THE + MANOEUVRES OF JANE," "CARNACSAHIB," + "THE GOAL," "MRS. DANE'S DEFENCE," + "THE LACKEY'S CARNIVAL," "THE + PRINCESS'S NOSE," ETC. + + + "Memnon concut un jour le projet insense d'etre parfaitement sage. Il + n'y a guere d'hommes a qui cette folie n'ait quelquefois passe par la + tete." VOLTAIRE. + + + COPYRIGHT, 1910, BY HENRY ARTHUR JONES + + + PRICE 50 CENTS + + NEW YORK | LONDON. + SAMUEL FRENCH | SAMUEL FRENCH, LTD. + PUBLISHER | 26 SOUTHAMPTON ST, + 28-30 WEST 38TH STREET | STRAND + + + + + DOLLY REFORMING + HERSELF + + A COMEDY IN FOUR ACTS + + BY + + HENRY ARTHUR JONES + + "Memnon concut un jour le projet insense d'etre parfaitement sage. Il + n'y a guere d'hommes a qui cette folie n'ait quelquefois passe par la + tete." VOLTAIRE. + + COPYRIGHT, 1910, BY HENRY ARTHUR JONES + +CAUTION--This play is fully protected under the copyright laws of the +United States, is subject to royalty, and any one presenting the play +without the consent of the author or his agents, will be liable to +penalty under the law. All applications for amateur performances must be +made to SAMUEL FRENCH, 28-30 West 38th Street, New York City. + + _ALL RIGHTS RESERVED_ + + NEW YORK | LONDON + SAMUEL FRENCH | SAMUEL FRENCH, LTD. + PUBLISHER | 26 SOUTHAMPTON STREET + 28-30 WEST 38TH STREET | STRAND + + + + +"The crescendo of quarrel is most skilfully and drolly arranged;--a +scene on classic lines boldly challenging and, what is more, maintaining +comparison with Sheridan." Mr. A. B. Walkley--The London Times. + +"This new play, by Mr. Henry Arthur Jones, at The Haymarket, is surely +as good a comedy as he has ever written. + +I should say, in evaluating Mr. Jones, that his greatest asset is his +humor. We are grateful that Mr. Jones has that comfortable gift which +prevents him from dancing on us--that gift of humor whereby he is +content to take us just as we are. + +No playwright is more joyously observant than Mr. Jones; and none +observes more accurately, in the milieu that he has chosen. Other +playwrights may create more salient and memorable figures. But none of +them creates figures so lifelike as Mr. Jones. + +Nor is any one of them so fine a craftsman. We are not made conscious of +it while the play is in progress. From the very outset, we are aware +merely of certain ladies and gentlemen behaving with apparent freedom +and naturalness. It is only when the play is over that we notice the art +of it. The verisimilitude of "Dolly Reforming Herself" is all the more +admirable because the play is founded on a philosophic question, and in +the whole course of it there is not a scene, not a character (not even +the butler's character), that is not strictly and logically relevant to +this question. The whole fabric is wrought in a tight and formal +pattern, yet the effect of it is as life itself. The question in point +is "Can we cure ourselves of our bad habits?" and the answer is worked +not through a story, but simply through the behavior of a few people in +a country-house. + +The central scene of the play, however, is the scene between Dolly and +her husband. The whole scene is delightful, worked out with the finest +sense of dramatic rhythm: a truly great comic scene, of which Mr. Jones +may well be proud." + +Mr. Max Beerbohm--The Saturday Review. + + + + +TO MISS ETHEL IRVING + + +My Dear Miss Irving, + +Will you accept the dedication of this little comedy, whose success at +the Haymarket was so largely due to your fine and sincere performance of +Dolly? + + Faithfully yours + + Henry Arthur Jones. + + + + +The following is a copy of the original cast of "Dolly Reforming +Herself" produced at the Haymarket Theatre, on Tuesday, November 3rd., +1908. + +CAST. + +_Harry Telfer_ (Dolly's Husband) MR. ROBERT LORAINE +_Matthew Barron_ (Dolly's Father) MR. C. M. LOWNE +_Captain Lucas Wentworth_ (Dolly's Cousin) MR. CHARLES R. MAUDE +_Professor Sturgess_ MR. E. LYALL SWETE +_The Rev. James Pilcher_ (Vicar of Crookbury) MR. HERBERT BUNSTON +_Criddle_ MR. GILBERT PORTEOUS +_Mrs. Harry Telfer_ (Dolly) MISS ETHEL IRVING +_Mrs. Sturgess_ (Renie) MISS MARGARET HALSTAN +_Peters_ (Dolly's Maid) MISS ADA WEBSTER + + + + +PERSONS REPRESENTED. + + +HARRY TELFER (Dolly's husband). +MATTHEW BARRON (Dolly's father). +CAPTAIN LUCAS WENTWORTH (Dolly's cousin). +PROFESSOR STURGESS. +THE REVEREND JAMES PILCHER (Vicar of Crookbury.) +CRIDDLE. + +MRS. HARRY TELFER (Dolly). +MRS. STURGESS (Renie). +PETERS (Dolly's maid). + + +ACT I. + +SCENE.--THE DRAWING-ROOM AT HARRY TELFER'S, THE GABLES, CROOKBURY GREEN, +SURREY. + +_Time_--THE AFTERNOON OF 1ST JANUARY, 1907. + + +ACT II. + +SCENE.--THE SAME. + +_Time_--AFTER DINNER ON THE SAME DAY. + + +ACT III. + +SCENE.--THE SAME. + +_Time_--LATER ON THE SAME NIGHT. + + +ACT IV. + +SCENE.--THE SAME. + +_Time_--THE AFTERNOON OF 1ST JANUARY, 1908. + + + + +Dolly Reforming Herself + + + + +ACT I. + + +SCENE: _Drawing-room at_ HARRY TELFER'S, _The Gables, Crookbury Green, +Surrey. A well-furnished room in a modern red brick country house. At +the back, a little to the right, is a door leading into the hall. All +along the right side is a glass partition, showing a conservatory which +is entered by glass doors, one up stage, the other down. On the left +side is a large fireplace. At the back, in the centre, is a handsome +writing-desk with a shut down flap lid. Above the fireplace, facing the +audience is a large sofa. To the right of sofa, and below it in the left +centre of the room is a small table, and near to it an easy chair. Right +centre down stage is a larger table._ + +TIME: _The afternoon of_ 1ST _January_, 1907. + +_Discover at writing-table, back to audience_, DOLLY TELFER, _a bright +little woman about thirty, busied with bills and papers. Bending over +her, back to audience, is her father_, MATT BARRON, _a pleasant-looking, +easy-going cynic of sixty._ HARRY TELFER, DOLLY'S _husband, an ordinary +good-natured, weakish, impulsive Englishman about thirty-five, is +standing with his back to the fire. Sitting on sofa, reading a +scientific book, is_ PROFESSOR STURGESS, _a hard, dry, narrow, fattish +scientific man about forty-five. At the table, right, reading a French +novel, is_ RENIE STURGESS, _the Professor's wife, a tall, dark, handsome +woman about thirty_. + + +_Harry_. No, I can't say that I pay very much attention to sermons as a +rule, but Pilcher gave us a regular downright, no-mistake-about-it, +rouser at the Watch-night Service last night. + +_Matt_. [_Turning round_.] I wonder what precise difference this rousing +sermon will make in the conduct of any person who heard it. + +_Harry_. Well, it's going to make a lot of difference in my conduct. At +least, I won't say a lot of difference, because I don't call myself a +very bad sort of fellow, do you? + +_Matt_. N-o--No---- + +_Harry_. At any rate I'm a thundering good husband, ain't I, Dolly? +[DOLLY _takes no notice_.] And I've got no flagrant vices. But I've got +a heap of--well a heap of selfish little habits, such as temper, and so +on, and for the coming year I'm going to knock them all off. + +_Matt_. That will be a score for Pilcher--that is, if you do knock them +off. + +_Harry_. Oh, I'm thoroughly resolved! I promised Dolly last night, +didn't I, Dolly? [DOLLY _takes no notice_.] Dolly too! Dolly was awfully +impressed by the sermon, weren't you, Dolly? + +_Matt_. [_Looking round at_ DOLLY'S _back_.] Dolly was awfully +impressed? + +_Harry_. Yes. Before we went to bed she gave me her word, that if I'd +give her a little help, she'd pay off all her bills, and live within her +allowance for the future, didn't you, Dolly? + +_Matt_. Well, that will be another score for Pilcher--that is, if Dolly +does live within her allowance. + +_Harry._ Oh, Dolly means it this time, don't you Dolly? + +_Dolly._ [_Turns round on her stool, bills in hand._] I think it's +disgraceful! + +_Matt._ What? + +_Dolly._ These tradespeople! [_Comes down to_ MATT.] I'm almost sure +I've paid this bill once--if not twice. Then there's a mistake of thirty +shillings in the addition--you're good at figures, Dad. Do add that up +for me. My head is so muddled. + + [_Giving the bill to_ MATT. + +_Harry._ Aren't you glad, Doll, that you made that resolution not to +have any more bills? + +_Dolly._ It will be heavenly! To go about all day with the blessed +thought that I don't owe a farthing to anybody. It's awful! + + [_Crunching a bill in her hand, and throwing it on to + writing-table._ + +_Harry._ Cheer up, little woman! You don't owe such a very alarming +amount, do you? + +_Dolly._ Oh no! Oh _no_! And if you'll only help me as you promised---- + +_Harry._ We'll go thoroughly into it by-and-by. In fact I did mean to +give you a pleasant little Christmas surprise, and pay off all your +debts. + +_Dolly._ Oh, you angel! But why didn't you do it? + +_Harry._ I've done it so often! You remember the last time? + +_Dolly._ [_Making a wry face._] Yes, I remember the last time. + +_Harry._ And here we are again! + +_Dolly._ Oh, don't talk like a clown! + +_Harry._ But, my dear Dolly, here we are again. + +_Dolly._ Well, I haven't got the money sense! I simply haven't got it! I +was born without it! + +_Matt._ [_Hands her the bill._] The addition is quite correct. + +_Dolly._ [_Taking the bill._] You're sure? Then I'm convinced I've paid +it! [_Looking at bill._] Yes! Thirty-four, seven, six. Professor +Sturgess---- + +_Prof._ [_Looks up from his book_] Yes? + +_Dolly._ You understand all about psychology and the way our brains +work. + +_Prof._ I've given my entire life to their study, but I cannot claim +that I understand them. + +_Dolly._ But wouldn't you say---- + +_Prof._ What? + +_Dolly._ I'm morally certain I've paid this bill. + +_Matt._ Have you got the receipt? + +_Dolly._ No! I must have mislaid it. + +_Matt._ When, and where did you pay it? + +_Dolly._ I cannot recall the exact circumstances. And now---- + +_Matt._ And now----? + +_Dolly._ Fulks and Garner have sent me a most impertinent note +requesting immediate payment. + +_Prof._ What is the particular brain process that you wish me to +explain? + +_Dolly._ How do you account for my having the most vivid impression that +I've paid it--so vivid that I cannot shake it off? + +_Prof._ Well--a---- + +_Matt._ Isn't it an instance of that obscure operation of the feminine +mind whereby the merest wish becomes an accomplished fact? + +_Dolly._ My dear Dad, I actually remember the exact amount: thirty-four, +seven, six. Thirty-four, seven, six. I shall never enter Fulks and +Garnet's shop again! + + * * * * * + + _Enter_ CRIDDLE. [_Announces_.] Captain Wentworth! + + _Enter_ CAPTAIN LUCAS WENTWORTH, _a good-looking smart young army + man about thirty. He is in riding-clothes. Exit_ CRIDDLE. _At_ + CAPTAIN WENTWORTH'S _entrance_ RENIE _shows keen interest, throws + him a secret glance as he goes to shake hands with_ DOLLY. + +_Dolly._ Ah, Lu! What, over again! Happy New Year once more! + +_Lucas._ Same to you. [_Shaking hands._] Happy New Year, everybody! Good +afternoon, Harry! + + [_Nodding to_ HARRY. + +_Harry._ Ditto, Lu. + +_Lucas._ Ah, Uncle Matt! Happy New Year! + + [_Shaking hands._ + +_Matt._ Happy New Year, Lucas! + +_Lucas._ Good afternoon, Mrs. Sturgess. + + [_Shaking hands with_ RENIE. + +_Renie._ Good afternoon. + +_Lucas._ None the worse for your outing last night, I hope? + +_Renie._ Oh no, I'm sure Mr. Pilcher's sermon ought to make us all very +much better. + +_Dolly._ May I introduce you to Professor Sturgess--my cousin Captain +Wentworth. + +_Lucas._ How d'ye do? + +_Prof._ How d'ye do? + +_Matt._ So you came over to the Watch-night Service, I hear? + +_Lucas._ Yes! I'd nothing much better to do, and Dolly was cracking up +this new parson of yours, so I thought I'd jog over and sample him. + +_Matt._ A dozen miles over here at midnight; an hour's service in a cold +church; and a dozen miles back to Aldershot, in the sleet and snow. I +hope the sermon thoroughly braced you up! + +_Lucas._ It did. It made me feel just as good as I knew how to be. + +_Matt._ Here's another score for Pilcher! + +_Dolly._ Dad, I think it's shocking bad taste of you to keep on sneering +at Mr. Pilcher! + +_Matt._ I'm not sneering. I'm only curious to follow up this wonderful +sermon, and trace its results on all of you. + +_Dolly._ Well, you can see its results. [LUCAS _has got near to_ RENIE, +_stands with his back to her, takes out a letter from his coat-tail +pocket, holds it out for her to take. She takes it, pops it in her +novel, and goes on reading. He moves away from her._] Take only our own +family. Harry and I both have turned over a new leaf. Renie, you said +Mr. Pilcher had set you thinking deeply---- + +_Renie._ Yes, dear, very deeply. + +_Dolly._ Lu, you said the sermon had done you a lot of good. + +_Lucas._ Heaps! I won't say I'm going to set up for a saint straight +off, because--well--I'm not so sure I could bring it off, even if I +tried---- + +_Matt._ That's what holds me back, my wretched nervous fear that I +shouldn't bring it off. Still, in justice to Pilcher, I hope you're not +going to let his sermon be wasted. + +_Lucas._ Oh, no! My first spare five minutes I'm going to brisk about, +and do a bit of New Year's tidying up. + + [_He is standing over_ RENIE, _who has opened his letter in her + novel; he again exchanges a secret look of understanding with her, + and makes a sign to her to go into the conservatory._ + + _Enter_ CRIDDLE. + +_Criddle._ [_Announcing._] Mr. Pilcher! + + _Enter the_ REVEREND JAMES PILCHER, _a big, strong, bright, genial, + manly, hearty English parson about forty. Exit_ CRIDDLE. + +_Dolly._ How d'ye do? [_Shaking hands._ + +_Pilcher._ How d'ye do? Happy New Year, once more! Happy New Year, Mr. +Barron! + +_Matt._ [_Shaking hands._] A happy New Year. + +_Pilcher._ How do again, Telfer? + +_Harry._ How are you? + +_Pilcher._ Good morning, Mrs. Sturgess. + +_Renie._ Good morning. + + [_At_ PILCHER'S _entrance she has hidden her French novel behind + her in the chair. In shaking hands with_ PILCHER _it drops on to + the floor and_ LUCAS'S _letter drops out._ LUCAS _goes to pick it + up,_ MR. PILCHER _is before him, picks up the novel and letter and + hands them to_ RENIE. _In taking them she shows some confusion._ + +_Pilcher._ [_Genially._] Improving the New Year by getting a thorough +knowledge of Parisian life and manners, I see. + +_Renie._ [_Confused._] No!--I had begun the book a week ago and so I +thought--a--I'd better finish it. + +_Lucas._ Good morning, Mr. Pilcher. + +_Pilcher._ [_Shaking hands._] Good morning. + +_Lucas._ Rattling good sermon you gave us last night. + +_Pilcher._ I'm glad you thought it worth coming so far to hear. + +_Lucas._ Not at all. Jolly well worth coming for, eh, Mrs. Sturgess? + + [_With a sly little look and shake of the head at_ RENIE. + +_Renie._ I thoroughly enjoyed it! + +_Pilcher._ [_A little surprised._] Enjoyed it! Now I meant to make you +all very uncomfortable! + +_Dolly._ Oh, you gave us a good shaking up, and we deserved it! I don't +think you've met Professor Sturgess? + +_Pilcher._ [_Advancing to_ PROFESSOR.] No, but I've read his book, "Man, +the Automaton." + +_Prof._ [_Bowing._] Not with disapproval, I trust? + +_Pilcher._ [_Shaking hands very cordially._] With the most profound +disapproval, with boundless, uncompromising dissent and antagonism! + +_Prof._ I'm sorry! + +_Pilcher._ Why, you deny that man has any vestige of free will. + +_Prof._ Certainly. The longer I live, the more I'm convinced that free +will is a purely subjective illusion. + +_Dolly._ Do you mean that when I will to do a certain thing I can't do +it? Oh, that's absurd. For instance, I will to go and touch that chair! +[_She goes and touches it._] There! [_Triumphantly._] I've done it! That +shows I've got free will. [_The_ PROFESSOR _shakes his head._] Well, +then how did I do it? + +_Prof._ I affirm that your willing to touch that chair or not to touch +it, your actual touching it, or not touching it; your possession or +non-possession of a criminal impulse---- + +_Dolly._ I haven't any criminal impulses---- + +_Prof._ [_Shakes his head and goes on._] Your yielding to that criminal +impulse or your not yielding to it--all these states of consciousness +are entirely dependent upon the condition, quantity and arrangement of +certain atoms in the gray matter of your brain. You think, you will, you +act according as that gray matter works. You did not cause or make that +condition of the atoms of your gray matter, therefore you are not +responsible for thinking or acting in this way or that, seeing that +your thoughts, and your actions, and that direction of your impulses +which you call your will, are all precisely determined and regulated by +the condition and arrangement of these minute atoms of your gray matter! + +_Dolly._ [_Has at first listened with great attention, but has grown +bewildered as the_ PROFESSOR _goes on._] I don't care anything about my +gray matter! I've quite made up my mind I won't have any more bills! + +_Pilcher._ [_Turning to_ RENIE.] Does Mrs. Sturgess agree with the +Professor's doctrine? + +_Renie._ No, indeed! To say that we're mere machines--it's horrid. + +_Prof._ The question is not whether it's horrid, but whether it's true. + +_Pilcher._ What do you think, Mr. Barron? + +_Matt._ It's a very nutty and knotty problem. I'm watching to see Dolly +and Harry solve it! + +_Dolly._ See us solve it! How? + +_Matt._ You and Harry heard a most thrilling, soul-stirring sermon last +night. + +_Pilcher._ You had good hearsay accounts of my sermon? + +_Matt._ Excellent! I should have heard it myself, but I've reached an +age when it would be dangerous to give up any of my old and cherished +bad habits. So in place of going to church and selfishly reforming +myself, I shall have to be content with watching Dolly and Harry reform +themselves. + +_Dolly._ Don't take any notice of him, Mr. Pilcher, he's the most +cynical, hardened reprobate! I have to blush for him a hundred times a +day. + + [RENIE _strolls casually into conservatory by lower door._ LUCAS + _casually follows her._ + +_Matt._ And in order to settle once and for all this vexed question of +free will and moral responsibility, I'll bet you, Harry, a simple +fiver, and I'll bet you Dolly, a new Parisian hat, and half a dozen +pairs of gloves that you won't live up to your good resolutions, and +that on next New Year's Day you'll neither of you be one ha'penny the +better for all the wise counsels Mr. Pilcher gave you last night. + +_Harry._ A fiver! Done! + +_Dolly._ I'll take you, too! In fact, I'll double it; two new Parisian +hats, and a dozen pairs of gloves! + +_Matt._ Done, my dear! + +_Pilcher._ I hope I sha'n't be accused of talking shop if I venture to +recall that betting was one of the bad habits I especially warned my +congregation against, last night! + +_Harry._ By Jove, yes--I'd forgotten all about that! Of course, if you +wish us to cry off---- + +_Pilcher._ Well, not exactly. I might perhaps suggest an alternative +plan which was tried with great success in my late parish---- + +_Dolly._ What was that? + +_Pilcher._ A very capital good fellow--an auctioneer and land surveyor, +my churchwarden in fact, by name Jobling--found that in spite of +constant good resolutions, certain small vices were gradually creeping +upon him. There was an occasional outburst of temper to his clerks, an +occasional half glass too much; and on one lamentable market day, he +actually discovered himself using bad language to Mrs. Jobling---- + +_Dolly._ [_Looking at_ HARRY.] Oh! Ah! + +_Matt._ Jobling's gray matter can't have been in good working order. + +_Pilcher._ We corrected that! We got his gray matter under control. + +_Dolly._ How? + +_Pilcher._ My Christmas Blanket Club happened to be on the road to +bankruptcy. By the way, our Blanket Club here is in low water. Well, I +gave Jobling a small box with a hole at the top sufficiently large to +admit half a crown. And I suggested that whenever he was betrayed into +one of these little slips, he should fine himself for the benefit of my +Blanket Club---- + +_Harry._ Good business! Dolly, where's that collecting-box they sent us +from the Hospital for Incurables? + +_Dolly._ In the cupboard in the next room. + +_Harry._ Right-o! No time like the present! [_Exit._] + +_Matt._ And how did you get out of this dilemma? + +_Pilcher._ Dilemma? + +_Matt._ Did your Blanket Club remain in bankruptcy, or what must have +been an even more distressing alternative to you, did Jobling continue +to use bad language to his wife? + +_Pilcher._ We struck a happy medium. My Blanket Club balance was +considerably augmented, and Jobling's behaviour considerably improved +under the stress of the fines. + + _Re-enter_ HARRY _with an old, dusty collecting-box on which is + printed in large letters, "County Hospital for Incurables."_ + +_Harry._ [_Placing the box on the table._] There! My name's Jobling for +the present! By Jove! that was a very neat idea of yours. + +_Pilcher._ Ah, by the way, I didn't give you Jobling's tariff---- + +_Harry._ Tariff? + +_Pilcher._ Jobling's tariff for a mild little profanity like "By Jove," +was a mere sixpence. + +_Harry._ Oh! [_Feels in his pocket._ + +_Pilcher._ Of course you needn't adopt Jobling's scale. + +_Harry._ Oh yes! I'll toe the mark! [_Takes six pence out of his pocket +and puts it in his box._] I'm determined I'll cure myself of all these +bad little tricks---- + +_Matt._ [_To_ DOLLY, _pointing to the money-box._] Are you going to +contribute? + +_Dolly._ [_Snappishly._] Perhaps, when I've paid off my bills. + +_Matt._ [_To_ PILCHER.] Will you kindly let my daughter have your lowest +tariff for ladies? + +_Dolly._ Oh, please don't be in such a hurry. What about your own +contribution? Mr. Pilcher, I hope you don't intend to let my father +escape. + +_Pilcher._ I understood Mr. Barron was prepared to risk a five-pound +note that you and Mr. Telfer will not carry your New Year resolutions +into practice? + +_Matt._ With the almost certain chance of drawing a five-pound note from +Harry and a new hat from Dolly. + +_Pilcher._ I'm afraid I can't hold out those inducements. But I can +offer you the very pleasing alternatives of chuckling over your +daughter's and Mr. Telfer's lapses, or of contributing five pounds to an +excellent charity! + +_Matt._ H'm! Well I'll do my best to oblige you, Mr. Pilcher! Let me +see! + + [_Looking round, his eye falls on_ RENIE _and_ LUCAS _who, at the + beginning of the above conversation have gone into conservatory at + lower door, and now come out again at upper door. She has a + hot-house flower in her hand, and they are eagerly absorbed in + their conversation. The_ PROFESSOR _talking to_ HARRY _and not + noticing._ + +_Renie._ [_Becoming aware that_ MATT _is watching them._] Yes, that +arrangement of the stamens is quite unusual. It's what the gardener +calls a "sport"---- + +_Lucas._ [_Examining the flower._] Jolly good sport, too! + +_Matt._ I'm not sure that we haven't even better sport here---- + +_Renie._ [_Coming to him._] Sport? What sport? can we join? + +_Matt._ That's just what I was going to propose. There are four of you +here, who heard Mr. Pilcher's excellent discourse last night. And you +are all determined to turn over a new leaf this year. Isn't that so? + +_Dolly._ Yes! + +_Harry._ I know I am. + +_Matt._ Mrs. Sturgess? + +_Renie._ Yes, indeed! + +_Matt._ Lucas, you? + +_Lucas._ Yes, Uncle. + +_Matt._ On the first of January next, I am prepared to put a sovereign +in that money-box for every one of you who can honestly declare that he +has broken himself or herself of his bad habits during the year. + +_Lucas._ I say, not all our bad habits? + +_Matt._ H'm. I don't wish to be exacting--I've no doubt each of you has +his own little failing or weakness. Well, come to me and say on your +honour that you've conquered this or that pet special weakness--and in +goes my sovereign. + +_Lucas._ You don't really mean it? + +_Matt._ Indeed I do. I hope you won't stand out and--spoil sport, eh? + +_Lucas._ Oh, I don't mind coming in--just for the lark of the thing. + +_Matt._ Then you all agree? + +_Dolly._ Oh yes. + +_Harry._ Certainly. + +_Matt._ Mrs. Sturgess? + +_Renie._ We don't know where we may be next Christmas. + +_Dolly._ You'll be here with us. I invite you on the spot. You accept? + +_Renie._ Yes, delighted, if my husband---- + +_Prof._ Very pleased. + +_Matt._ Well, Mr. Pilcher, I think I've made your Blanket Club a very +handsome offer. + +_Pilcher._ Very handsome. [_Taking out watch._] I hope our friends will +cordially respond, for the sake of my Blanket Club. + +_Dolly._ You'll stay for a cup of tea? + +_Pilcher._ I've heaps of New Year's calls to make. I'm afraid I must be +going; good afternoon, Professor! + +_Prof._ Good afternoon. + +_Pilcher._ Good afternoon, Telfer. + +_Harry._ Good afternoon. + +_Pilcher._ Good-bye, Mrs. Sturgess. + +_Renie._ Good-bye. So many thanks for your eloquent sermon. + + [_Shaking hands._ + +_Pitcher._ Now, was I eloquent? I suppose I was, since I've produced +such an invigorating New Year atmosphere. + + [RENIE _moves her French novel._ + +_Matt._ And brought Lucas over from Aldershot in the snow! + +_Lucas._ Rather! I shall come again next year. + + [_Shaking hands._ + +_Pilcher._ Do. And then we shall be able to estimate the effect of my +eloquence. + +_Matt._ [_Tapping the money-box._] We shall! + +_Pilcher._ Good-bye, Mrs. Telfer. + +_Dolly._ Good-bye. [_Rings bell._ + +_Pilcher._ Good-bye, Mr. Barron. + +_Matt._ Good-bye. + +_Pilcher._ You might be inclined to risk a sovereign on yourself for the +Blanket Club? + +_Matt._ I daren't. I can't trust my gray matter--I should make a +dreadful fiasco. + + [CRIDDLE _appears at door._ + +_Pilcher._ Mrs. Telfer, I leave him in your hands. + + [_Exit_ PILCHER. CRIDDLE _closes the door after him._ + +_Matt._ Dolly, I don't mind having that new Parisian hat on with you. + +_Dolly._ Done! I don't mind how much I punish you. + +_Prof._ [_Taking out his watch._] Half past three, my dear. + +_Renie._ I don't think I'll go out this afternoon. + +_Prof._ Oh, you'd better take your little constitutional. You missed it +yesterday. I'm sure your restlessness is due to your not taking regular +exercise. + +_Renie._ Which way are you going? [_Yawning._ + +_Prof._ My usual round, up to the White House and back by the fish-pond. + +_Renie._ Perhaps I'll join you at the fish-pond. + +_Prof._ [_To_ MATT.] Nothing like living by rule and measure. + +_Matt._ I shouldn't wonder. I've never tried it. + +_Prof._ I ascribe my constant good health and contentment to my +unvarying routine of work and diet and exercise. [_Exit._ + +_Matt._ Then where do my constant good health and contentment come from? + +_Lucas._ Dolly, I left my evening kit here. Could you put me up for the +night? + +_Dolly._ Delighted! You'll make up our rubber. + +_Lucas._ Right! + +_Matt._ Not going to ride back to Aldershot again to-night? + +_Lucas._ Not to-night, thank you. + +_Matt._ Just a shade too bracing, eh? + +_Lucas._ Just a shade! Dolly, I haven't seen your new fish-pond. Is +anybody going to meet the Professor? + + [_Glancing at_ RENIE. + +_Matt._ I am. [_Linking his arm in_ LUCAS'S.] We'll get into an +unvarying routine of exercise for the next hour. Come along! + + [_Takes_ LUCAS _off as he is exchanging a look with_ RENIE. RENIE + _makes to follow them, stops at door, turns back a little, stops, + takes out_ LUCAS'S _letter from her French novel, goes to fire and + reads it. Meanwhile the following scene takes place between_ DOLLY + _and_ HARRY. + +_Harry._ [_To_ DOLLY.] Now, Dolly, we can go through your bills. + + [_Going to her writing-desk._ + +_Dolly._ Yes. Hadn't I better sort them out first? + +_Harry._ [_Taking up bills._] Oh, I'll help you sort them out---- + +_Dolly._ Take care! You'll muddle all my papers. [_Taking bills out of +his hands, and closing down the writing-desk._] I want to have a little +talk with Renie--you'd better join them at the fish-pond. + +_Harry._ Well, so long as you do get them sorted, and squared up. What +about after tea? + +_Dolly._ All right. After tea. + +_Harry._ After tea. We'll have a nice cosy half-hour, all to ourselves, +and sweep them all out of our minds. + + [_With a gesture._ + +_Dolly._ [_Nods cheerfully._] Yes, a nice cosy half-hour and sweep them +all out of our minds. [_With his gesture. Exit_ HARRY _briskly. She +repeats his gesture._] Sweep them all out of our minds. [_Opening desk +and regarding bills with dismay._] Oh, don't I wish I could! Oh, Renie! + + [RENIE _is busy with her letter at the fire._ + +_Renie._ [_Puts letter into pocket._] What is it? + +_Dolly._ [_Has taken up one or two bills._] These bills! These awful +bills! These vampires! + +_Renie._ Yes, dear! I suppose it's rather dreadful, but it must be sweet +to have a dear, kind husband who'll pay them all off. + +_Dolly._ Harry? He made a dreadful fuss last time. And then I didn't +show him all. + +_Renie._ Well, dear, after all, it's only bills---- + +_Dolly._ Only bills! Only? Well, I'm going to show him every one this +time. And what a lesson it shall be to me! That's why I'm so grateful to +Mr. Pilcher. + +_Renie._ Why? + +_Dolly._ Yesterday afternoon I thought I'd screw up my courage to go +through the bills just to see where I was. My dear, I was paralysed! I +had the most appalling time! Well, Mr. Pilcher's sermon came just in the +nick of time. I thought "what an idiot I must be to endure all this +misery just for want of a little resolution." + +_Renie._ Mr. Pilcher's sermon came just in the nick of time for me too. + +_Dolly._ Did it? + +_Renie._ I had an awful afternoon yesterday! + +_Dolly._ You?! You haven't any bills? + +_Renie._ No! [_Sighs._] I almost wish I had. + +_Dolly._ Wish you had?! + +_Renie._ I almost envy you the delicious experience of having to +confess---- + +_Dolly._ Yes dear, you always were fond of scenes, but I'm not! + +_Renie._ And then the heavenly feeling of being forgiven, and taken in +the arms of the man you love! + +_Dolly._ Yes, that part of it is all right. It's what comes before---- + + [_With a little shudder._ + +_Renie._ After all, your husband isn't a machine. He is a human being! + +_Dolly._ Oh, Harry's a perfect dear in most things, but he has got a +temper! + +_Renie._ My husband never even swears at me! Oh, Dolly, you are lucky! + +_Dolly._ Hum! + +_Renie._ Oh, Dolly---- [_Sighs and goes away._ + +_Dolly._ Is anything the matter? + +_Renie._ No dear. Nothing, except--oh, life is so hard! so hard! + +_Dolly._ Renie, if you're in trouble---- + +_Renie._ Thank you, dear. I knew you'd help me. + +_Dolly._ Yes, so long as it isn't money. And even then I'd help you, +only I can't. + +_Renie._ It isn't money. + +_Dolly._ Then what is it? + +_Renie._ [_Looking at_ DOLLY _curiously._] I wonder if you would +understand. + +_Dolly._ I'll do my best. + +_Renie._ It's such a strange story. [_Moving away,_ DOLLY _makes a +little dubious grimace behind her back._ RENIE _suddenly comes up to_ +DOLLY _very effusively._] Dolly, I will trust you. You know I thoroughly +admire and honour my husband. + +_Dolly._ [_A little startled._] Ye-es. + +_Renie._ You know that nothing could ever induce me to wrong him for a +moment? + +_Dolly._ No---- + +_Renie._ Nothing could be further from my thoughts. + +_Dolly._ No--but is there anybody--Renie, who is it? + +_Renie._ Give me your sacred promise you'll never breathe a word to any +living soul? + +_Dolly._ Not a word--who is it? + +_Renie._ Not even to your husband? + +_Dolly._ Not even to my husband. + +_Renie._ Nor to him? + +_Dolly._ Him? No, of course not. Who is it? + +_Renie._ Well, dear, you know what my life has been. Few women have met +with so little real sympathy as I. Few women have suffered---- + +_Dolly._ No, dear. Who is it? Do I know him? + +_Renie._ Your cousin Lucas has a deep and sincere admiration for me. + +_Dolly._ Lu!? Lu!? Of course! I might have known he'd never ride a dozen +miles in the snow for a sermon! It's disgraceful of him! + +_Renie._ No, dear, he's not to blame. We are neither of us to blame. + +_Dolly._ [_Contemptuously._] Oh! Why you haven't known him a month, have +you? + +_Renie._ I met him for the first time in this room three weeks ago last +Thursday afternoon. + +_Dolly._ It's a great pity the Professor didn't come down with you. + +_Renie._ That would have made no difference. It had to be! + +_Dolly._ What had to be? Renie, how far has this gone? You've been +meeting him alone---- + +_Renie._ Once or twice. + +_Dolly._ You've slipped away every afternoon this week. + +_Renie._ However often I may have met him, he has offered me nothing but +the most chivalrous attention. He has always respected me---- + +_Dolly._ Well then, he mustn't respect you any more. It must be stopped. + +_Renie._ Dolly, I didn't expect you to take up this attitude. + +_Dolly._ You don't suppose I'm going to have this sort of thing in my +own house, do you? + +_Renie._ What sort of thing? + +_Dolly._ Do you remember the awful row I got into at school when your +boy's love letter was discovered in the Banbury cakes you'd persuaded me +to take in for you? + +_Renie._ But you received Banbury cakes of your own! + +_Dolly._ Not since I've been married. Of course before your marriage +your outrageous flirting didn't much matter---- + +_Renie._ Outrageous flirting?--If I seemed to flirt---- + +_Dolly._ Seemed?! + +_Renie._ It was only in the vain hope of meeting with one who could +offer me the perfect homage that I have always felt would one day be +mine. + +_Dolly._ Well, he mustn't offer it here! I shall tell him so very +plainly. He'd better not stay to dinner. + +_Renie._ There is no reason Captain Wentworth should not stay to dinner. +He has given me the one absolutely blameless unselfish devotion of his +life. I've accepted it on that distinct understanding. I've trusted you +with my secret, a secret honourable alike to Captain Wentworth and +myself. You've promised not to breathe a word to any living soul. You +surely don't mean to break your word? + +_Dolly._ I don't mean to stand the racket of your Banbury cakes. + +_Renie._ I didn't expect you to be so unsympathetic. You promised to +help me! + +_Dolly._ Help you! How did you expect me to help you? + +_Renie._ My husband has to go to Edinburgh next week to give a course of +lectures there. + +_Dolly._ Well? + +_Renie._ He wants me to go with him. Dearest, it would be perfectly +sweet of you to ask me to stay on another fortnight here. + +_Dolly._ [_Makes a little movement of indignant surprise._] I see! + +_Renie._ There could be no possible harm in it now that you know our +attachment is quite innocent and that you can look after me every +moment. Dearest, you might oblige me in a tiny little matter like this. + +_Dolly._ [_After a pause._] I'll think it over---- + +_Renie._ Thank you so much. + +_Dolly._ Renie, you said Mr. Pilcher's sermon came just in the nick of +time---- + +_Renie._ So it did. + +_Dolly._ You don't call this the "nick of time"?! + +_Renie._ Yes, indeed. I went to church in a perfect fever. I didn't know +what to do. Well, as I listened to Mr. Pilcher everything became quite +clear to me. I resolved I would accept Captain Wentworth's pure +unselfish devotion and make it a lever to raise all my ideals and +aspirations! + +_Dolly._ But there wasn't anything in Mr. Pilcher's sermon about---- + +_Renie._ Oh yes, there was a lot about ideals and aspirations. + +_Dolly._ Yes, but not the sort of aspirations you have for Lucas. I +suppose you know he makes love to every woman he comes across? + +_Renie._ He told me he had been led into one or two unworthy +attachments. + +_Dolly._ Yes! That's quite right. So he has! One or two! + +_Renie._ That was before he met me. + +_Dolly._ Yes, and this will be before he meets the next lady. + +_Renie._ [_Looks at_ DOLLY _severely._] My dear Dolly, with your light +frivolous nature it is impossible for you to understand a pure and +exalted attachment like ours. Listen! [_Taking out a letter._] This will +show you his fine nature, his fine feelings--"From the first moment I +saw you----" + + MATT _enters._ + +_Renie._ [_Putting letter in pocket._] Well, have you had a pleasant +walk? + +_Matt._ Very pleasant--and instructive. The Professor asked me to remind +you that he's waiting for you at the fish-pond. + +_Renie._ I'd better go. I shall get a little lecture all to myself if I +don't. [_Going off, to_ DOLLY.] Thank you, dear, so much for your kind +invitation to stay on! + +_Dolly._ Don't mention it! + +_Renie._ I shall try to manage it. [_Exit._ + +_Dolly._ Yes, I'm sure you will. + +_Matt._ Mrs. Sturgess going to stay on? + +_Dolly._ She wants me to invite her. But I won't if I can help it. +[_Goes to him suddenly._] Dad! + +_Matt._ Well? + +_Dolly._ That wretched Lucas! + +_Matt._ What about him? + +_Dolly._ No, I've promised her not to breathe a word. So you must guess. +[_Pause._] Have you guessed? + +_Matt._ [_After a pause._] Yes. Well, I--[_Begins to chuckle._] So Lucas +is up to his old games! + +_Dolly._ My own guest! Under my own roof! It's too horrid of him. + +_Matt._ [_Chuckling._] It is! It's too bad! The rascal. + +_Dolly._ Oh, it's more than half her fault! It's just like her! + + [MATT _suddenly bursts from a chuckle into a roar._ + +_Dolly._ What are you laughing at? + +_Matt._ I've just left---- [_Chuckling._] I've just left the Professor +down at the fish-pond explaining to Lucas all about his gray matter, +and---- [_Roars._ + +_Dolly._ I don't see anything to laugh at. + +_Matt._ Twelve miles in the snow----I say, Doll, we're making a +splendid start for the New Year! + + [_Laughing._ + +_Dolly._ Dad! Will you please leave off? [_Shaking his shoulder._] Will +you be serious? + +_Matt._ Yes, my dear!! [_Pulling himself together and straightening his +features._] Yes, I will. After all, it's a serious matter. + +_Dolly._ It's very serious for me, in a neighbourhood like this! + +_Matt._ It's serious for me, as I was Lucas's guardian. And it's serious +for him. If he goes and plays the fool, it may spoil his career--the +young ass! + +_Dolly._ Very well, then, will you please treat it seriously and set to +work and help me? + +_Matt._ How far have matters gone? + +_Dolly._ Oh, there's no real harm done at present. + +_Matt._ How do you know? + +_Dolly._ Oh, Lucas is writing her silly letters and she's talking about +his pure and exalted devotion, and making it a lever to raise all her +ideals and aspirations. + +_Matt._ [_Shakes his head._] That looks bad! That looks very dangerous +for her. + +_Dolly._ Oh, no; she knows how to take care of herself. But it's +dangerous for me! + +_Matt._ How, dangerous for you?! + +_Dolly._ If there's the least bit of scandal she'll contrive to drag me +into it! I know her so well. + +_Matt._ [_Walking about, cogitating._] Yes, and we mustn't let Lucas +make a mess of it. + +_Dolly._ What can we do? + +_Matt._ When I was over at Aldershot last week Sir John said something +about giving Lucas an A. D. C. in India. I'll drive over to-morrow and +ask Sir John to pack Lucas out of the country for a year or two! + +_Dolly._ That's a good idea. But it may take some time? + +_Matt._ A week or so, perhaps more. + +_Dolly._ But if they find out they're going to be parted, it is just +this next week when there will be all the danger. + +_Matt._ That's true. + +_Dolly._ They ought to be parted to-night. + +_Matt._ They ought! They ought! Not a doubt about it! Not a shadow of +doubt! They ought to be parted to-night! + +_Dolly._ Dad! I believe I can frighten Renie out of it. + +_Matt._ Frighten her? + +_Dolly._ I'll try! And you must take Lucas in hand---- + +_Matt._ H'm! Isn't Harry the right person----? + +_Dolly._ No, I sha'n't tell Harry. Harry would only get into a temper +and muddle it. No, you must get Lucas to take himself off. + +_Matt._ Take himself off! + +_Dolly._ I won't have him here. You can tell him so. Be very severe with +him. + +_Matt._ [_Dubious._] H'm! + +_Dolly._ Take a very high tone. + +_Matt._ I'm not sure that taking a high tone is quite in my line. + +_Dolly._ Then please try it. Dad, you do realize how very serious this +is, don't you? + +_Matt._ Yes, of course. Very well, I'll tackle Lucas. We'll see what a +high tone will do with him. Heigho! Sad! Sad!! Sad!!!--Sad! Sad!! +Sad!!! + +_Dolly._ Hush! + + LUCAS _and_ HARRY _enter._ LUCAS _looks round for_ RENIE. DOLLY + _and_ MATT _talk in whispers as if settling a plan._ HARRY _goes up + to the collecting-box, takes out his knife and begins to scrape off + the label._ + +_Dolly._ [_In a very severe tone to_ LUCAS, _who is peeping into +conservatory._] Are you looking for anything? + +_Lucas._ I was wondering whether there was any tea going. + +_Dolly._ [_Same severe tone._] The tea is not in the conservatory. + +_Lucas._ No, but I thought it might be getting on to the time---- + +_Dolly._ [_Same tone._] The tea will be served in due course. + +_Lucas._ [_Surprised at her tone._] Is anything the matter? + + [DOLLY _looks at him severely, says nothing, turns to_ MATT. LUCAS + _looks puzzled, goes away, and again looks furtively into + conservatory for_ RENIE. + +_Harry._ [_Scraping away at the collecting-box._] Don't forget, +Doll--our cosy half hour after tea---- + + [_Nodding at the writing-desk._ + +_Dolly._ I won't forget. + +_Matt._ [_Has come up behind_ HARRY, _touches the arm he is scraping +with._] Hospital for Incurables! I shouldn't scrape that off at present. + + +CURTAIN. + + + + +(_Four or five hours pass between Acts I and II._) + +ACT II. + + +SCENE: _The same, on the same evening, after dinner. The sofa is now +brought down below the fireplace, and fronts the audience a little +diagonally, its right end being farthest up stage. The small table with +the hospital box, and the easy chair are above the sofa, a little to the +right of it._ + + _Enter_ RENIE, _much distressed and agitated._ DOLLY _follows + quickly, closes the door cautiously and mysteriously._ + +_Renie._ But I don't understand. Captain Wentworth and I have been so +little together---- + +_Dolly._ Well, my dear, there it is! My father is the last man to pry +into other people's affairs, but you see it has been forced upon his +notice. And from the tone he took---- + +_Renie._ What tone? + +_Dolly._ He was very severe. + +_Renie._ [_Alarmed._] But what did he say he had seen? + +_Dolly._ He wouldn't go into particulars. He seemed very much upset---- + +_Renie._ Upset?! + +_Dolly._ Perhaps I ought to say shocked. + +_Renie._ Shocked?! + +_Dolly._ And when my father is shocked it must be something very +glaring---- + +_Renie._ [_More and more alarmed._] But there hasn't been anything +glaring---- + +_Dolly._ Well, dear, of course, you know. + +_Renie._ But I cannot imagine---- [_Suddenly._] It must have been that +day at the stile! + +_Dolly._ Perhaps. What happened? No, I don't wish to hear---- + +_Renie._ Captain Wentworth assisted me over the stile---- + +_Dolly._ Well?---- + +_Renie._ That's all. He may have taken a little longer about it than was +quite necessary, and I may have leaned a little heavier than the +circumstances required. But it was all done in perfectly good taste. + +_Dolly._ [_Shakes her head._] It can't have been the stile. + +_Renie._ Then what----? [_Cudgels her brains._] The dairy! + +_Dolly._ Very likely. Was that very--no, don't tell me---- + +_Renie._ There's nothing to tell. The woman at the farm, Mrs.---- + +_Dolly._ Biggs---- + +_Renie._ Biggs, asked me to go over her model dairy. + +_Dolly._ Did she ask Lucas? + +_Renie._ He came. Mrs. Biggs insisted on our tasting her mince pies---- + +_Dolly._ Mince pies--? Yes? + +_Renie._ While she went to get one---- + +_Dolly._ Get one---- + +_Renie._ She wasn't out of the dairy ten seconds---- + +_Dolly._ No--and then? + +_Renie._ Captain Wentworth----a---- + +_Dolly._ Respected you! + +_Renie._ [_Firing up._] He is always most respectful! In the most +delicate, exquisitely chivalrous way, he implored me for one first and +only kiss, and just as I was refusing him, somebody passed the dairy +windows---- + +_Dolly._ My father often strolls that way---- + +_Renie._ But I was quite cold and correct---- [_Very anxiously._] +Dolly, tell me exactly what Mr. Barron said? + +_Dolly._ At first he was going to speak to you himself, but I said, "No, +that's my duty! I'm her oldest friend; I'll talk to her!" + +_Renie._ Ye--es? + +_Dolly._ So, at last he consented, and said: "Very well. Be very firm +with her, because this sort of thing taking place under my very nose and +under my daughter's roof is what I cannot, and will not, tolerate for +one moment!" + +_Renie._ He must have passed the dairy windows! + +_Dolly._ Yes. + +_Renie._ And jumped to a wrong conclusion. + +_Dolly._ Yes. And that isn't the worst---- + +_Renie._ [_Freshly alarmed._] Not the worst?! + +_Dolly._ Now, don't be alarmed, dear---- + +_Renie._ About what? + +_Dolly._ Didn't you notice something strange in your husband's manner at +dinner? + +_Renie._ No. What makes you think----? + +_Dolly._ My dear, if my father noticed it, why not your husband? Suppose +all this time the Professor has been quietly, stealthily watching you +and Lucas. + +_Renie._ [_Alarmed._] Dolly! + +_Dolly._ And waiting his time---- + +_Renie._ Oh, Dolly! + +_Dolly._ Didn't you notice how he insisted on your going to the +fish-pond? + +_Renie._ Yes, he did! + +_Dolly._ Didn't it strike you there was something in that? + +_Renie._ No, and he hasn't said anything---- + +_Dolly._ Of course not. Naturally he would hide his suspicions from you +till the right moment. + +_Renie._ Right moment? + +_Dolly._ Now, dear, you see how serious things are. You mustn't run any +more risks. This must be broken off to-night. + +_Renie._ To-night?! + +_Dolly._ Now, what can I do to help you? + +_Renie._ You might tell Mr. Barron there was nothing in the dairy +windows. + +_Dolly._ Of course I'll tell him, but if he saw---- + +_Renie._ But there was nothing. Absolutely nothing---- + +_Dolly._ No, dear. What else can I do? + +_Renie._ Could you find out exactly how much he has seen and heard, +and--a--pump him a little? + +_Dolly._ I don't like pumping people--still--What else? + +_Renie._ [_Breaking down._] Oh, Dolly, this blow could not have fallen +at a more cruel moment. + +_Dolly._ No, dear. + +_Renie._ It came just when I had lost all the illusions of girlhood, +when all my woman's nature began to cry out---- + +_Dolly._ Yes--[_Suddenly._] Hark! [_Listens._] Hush! + + [_Creeps up to door, listens, opens it, looks out, closes it + again._ + +_Renie._ What was it? + +_Dolly._ Hush! Voices! I thought it might be Lucas and the Professor +quarrelling. + +_Renie._ I really don't think my husband suspects---- + +_Dolly._ No, I daresay it's only my imagination. + +_Renie._ And if he did--Dolly, is there one man living, except my +husband, who would condemn me for being the object of a noble, +single-hearted devotion like Captain Wentworth's? + +_Dolly._ No, dear, perhaps not. But, you see, as husbands they take +quite a different view of things from what they do merely as men. + +_Renie._ Tell me candidly, Dolly, you see nothing wrong in it, do you? + +_Dolly._ Well, dear, when you say wrong---- + +_Renie._ But I assure you there isn't--nothing could be further from my +thoughts. + +_Dolly._ No, dear--still, people are so full of prejudice--now what can +I do? + +_Renie._ [_Clasping_ DOLLY'S _hand warmly._] Oh, Dolly, you can help me +so much. + +_Dolly._ [_A little alarmed._] Can I? Tell me---- + +_Renie._ If Lucas and I are parted---- [_Breaks down._] I can't bear it! +I can't bear it! + +_Dolly._ Try, dear! Try! + +_Renie._ [_Sobbing._] I will. And if at any time I long to hear how he +bears our separation, you won't mind receiving a letter, and sending it +on to me? + +_Dolly._ I'm afraid I couldn't do that, dear. You see, I'm so careless, +and if I left the letter about, and Harry found it--no, dear---- + +_Renie._ You won't help me? + +_Dolly._ Yes, dear, I'll do anything in my power! [_Suddenly._] I'll +tell you what I can do! + +_Renie._ Yes? + +_Dolly._ My father is telling Lucas he must leave to-night. Well, I can +spare you all the pain and misery of saying "Good-bye," and take one +last message to him. + +_Renie._ [_Curtly._] No, thank you. It's most unkind of you to send him +away like this. I must see him alone before he goes. + +_Dolly._ [_Shakes her head._] My father insists, and suppose Lucas feels +that he owes it to your reputation to go quietly---- + +_Renie._ Without seeing me?! + +_Dolly._ And suppose the Professor is really watching you---- + + [RENIE shows great perplexity. DOLLY _is watching her._ + +_Dolly._ If you don't see Lucas, what message shall I take him? + +_Renie._ Tell him how proud I am of his noble, unselfish devotion; tell +him I shall always look upon it as the one supreme happiness of my life +to have known him---- + + _The_ PROFESSOR _and_ MATTHEW _enter. The_ PROFESSOR _has diagrams + and illustrations in his hand. Following the_ PROFESSOR _and_ MATT + _are_ HARRY _and_ LUCAS. LUCAS, _after a little time, comes up to_ + DOLLY _and_ RENIE, _who are seated on sofa. The_ PROFESSOR _is + speaking to_ MATT _as he enters, and is showing him an + illustration._ + +_Prof._ [_In his hard, metallic voice._] Observe that woman's facial +angle--[_pointing_] the peculiar curve of the lip, and the irregular +formation of the nose. + + [_Describing a little upward curve on the paper with his thumb._ + +_Matt._ I have seen sweeter things in ladies' lips and noses. + + [_Describing the same little upward curve with his thumb on the + paper._ + +_Prof._ Can you be surprised at her history? + +_Matt._ Who was she? + +_Prof._ Jane Sweetman, the notorious trigamist. Looking at that woman's +cranium I maintain it was impossible for her to avoid---- + +_Matt._ Committing trigamy? + +_Prof._ Well, some species of grave moral delinquency. + + [DOLLY _clutches_ RENIE'S _wrist significantly. The_ PROFESSOR + _hands the illustration to_ HARRY, _who examines it._ MATT _moves + away a step and unobtrusively feels his own nose and forehead._ + +_Harry._ [_Has examined the illustration._] By Jove, yes--anybody can +see she was bound to come a moral cropper, eh? + + [_He hands the illustration to_ DOLLY, _who passes it to_ RENIE, + _with a very significant glance, pointing out something on the + paper._ LUCAS _leans over the back of the sofa between_ RENIE _and_ + DOLLY _to look at the illustration. As he leans on the back of the + sofa_, DOLLY _draws herself up very indignantly, gives him a severe + look; moves a little away from him, sits and looks very severely in + front of her. He cannot understand her attitude, draws back a + little and looks puzzled._ + +_Prof._ [_Bringing out another illustration, offering it to_ MATT.] Now +look at this. + +_Matt._ [_Taking illustration._] Somebody's brains! + +_Prof._ Tell me if you notice anything peculiar. + + [HARRY _leans over_ MATT'S _shoulder, and looks at the + illustration._ LUCAS _again leans over the sofa, between_ DOLLY + _and_ RENIE. DOLLY _again moves a little further away from him with + another indignant look._ LUCAS _is again puzzled, but bends and + looks over the illustration in_ RENIE'S _hands._ + +_Lucas._ So that's Jane Sweetman! Well, if Jane was bound to come a +moral cropper, I'm very glad I wasn't bound to come a moral cropper with +Jane, eh, Dolly? [_Very pleasantly._ + +_Dolly._ [_Very severely._] I should scarcely have thought you troubled +whom you came a moral cropper with! + + [_Looks at him severely, goes up to writing-desk, seats herself and + writes letter. He feels himself snubbed, and moves a step or two + back, stands and looks puzzled._ PROFESSOR _has been critically + regarding_ MATT _and_ HARRY, _who have been looking at the + illustration._ + +_Prof._ Well, does anything strike you? + +_Matt._ No. [_Holding it out._] Looks rather +pulpy--rather--a--squashy---- + +_Prof._ Exactly! Observe the soft, almost watery condition of that gray +matter. What is the inevitable consequence? + +_Matt._ I couldn't quite say--whom did that gray matter belong to? + +_Prof._ Harriet Poy. + +_Matt._ I don't remember Harriet---- + +_Prof._ The Pyromaniac. At the age of four set fire to her mother's bed. +At twelve was found saturating blankets with petroleum; at sixteen fired +three hayricks, for which she was sentenced to six months' imprisonment. + +_Matt._ Poor Harriet! But of course if her gray matter went and got +watery---- + +_Prof._ Just so! I maintain that with her gray matter in that condition +it was a stupid crime to send her to prison. + +_Dolly._ [_Looking round from desk._] But what are we to do with people +whose gray matter goes wrong? + +_Prof._ I propose to deal with that question at Edinburgh. [_To_ MATT.] +You might, perhaps, care to run down to Edinburgh for my lectures---- + +_Matt._ I should love it above all things; but the fact is, I'm so +thoroughly of your opinion---- + +_Prof._ Are you?! I'm delighted I've convinced you. + +_Matt._ Completely. All my life I've been doing things I should never +have dreamed of doing if my gray matter had done its duty and not got +watery. + +_Harry._ [_Begins._] Yes, when you come to think of all the rotten +things you find yourself doing, you feel, by Jove---- + + [_Suddenly recalls that he has said "by Jove," and being near the + collection-box, he quietly pulls sixpence out of his pocket and + drops it in._ + +_Matt._ Bravo, Harry! [_Patting him._ + +_Harry._ Oh, I mean it!--Professor, isn't it time for our hundred up? + +_Prof._ [_Taking out watch._] In two minutes. + +_Harry._ I'll go and get the balls out and chalk the cues. [_Going up to +door._] Doll, [_taps the writing-desk_] you put it off after +tea--by-and-by, you know! + +_Dolly._ [_She has finished letter, has risen, and closed +writing-desk._] By-and-by. + +_Harry._ Before we go to bed--don't forget. + +_Dolly._ Oh, I sha'n't forget. + + [_Makes a wry face. Exit_ HARRY. + +_Prof._ Renie, you were complaining of headache. It would be wise to +take a short stroll in the cool air. + +_Renie._ Oh, very well. + +_Prof._ Wrap up thoroughly. Ten minutes, not longer. + + [_Exit._ DOLLY, _unseen by_ RENIE _and_ LUCAS, _slips the note she + has been writing into_ MATT'S _hands. He takes it down stage, + right, and reads it._ RENIE _and_ LUCAS _have been talking, apart; + they move towards the door to get out, but_ DOLLY _is standing in + the way of their exit._ + +_Dolly._ Oh, Renie! I'll put on my things, and come with you. + +_Renie._ But Captain Wentworth has offered---- + +_Dolly._ I've a splitting headache--I must get a little air. And Dad +wants to have a talk with Lucas, don't you? + +_Matt._ If he can spare five minutes. + +_Lucas._ Won't by-and-by be just as convenient? + +_Dolly._ [_Facing_ LUCAS, _speaking firmly._] No, by-and-by will not be +just as convenient. Now, Renie, we'll leave them together. + + [_Gets_ RENIE _off, turns, looks daggers at_ LUCAS, _goes off + after_ RENIE, _closes door in his face. He opens it, and goes after + her._ + +_Lucas._ I say, Doll, what's up? [_Follows her off._] What's the matter? + +_Matt._ [_Reading_ DOLLY'S _note._] "Be very severe with him. Make a +great point of the dairy windows. He'll understand." Dairy windows? + + [_Puts the note in his pocket, as_ LUCAS _re-enters, puzzled and + disappointed._ + +_Lucas._ I can't think what's the matter with Dolly. She has done +nothing but snub me all the evening. + +_Matt._ [_Looking at him sternly._] So I should imagine! + +_Lucas._ [_Startled by his manner._] I say, have I done anything? + +_Matt._ Done anything! I'm a man of the world! nobody can accuse me of +being strait-laced, and therefore I suppose you think you can come here +and set at defiance all the----it's disgraceful! + +_Lucas._ Would you mind telling me what you're hinting at? + +_Matt._ I'm not hinting! I'm going to speak out very plainly, and I tell +you that I look upon your conduct as something atrocious! + +_Lucas._ I say, Uncle, what's all this about? + +_Matt._ What's it about? What's it about? It's about the dairy windows! + +_Lucas._ Then it was you--phew!--so it was you? + +_Matt._ Well, after the dairy windows, can you stand there and tell me +you aren't thoroughly, completely, heartily ashamed of yourself? + +_Lucas._ Well, I suppose I am. But, after all, it wasn't so very bad---- + +_Matt._ Not bad?! + +_Lucas._ Well, not so d--ee--d awful. + +_Matt._ [_Regards him for a few moments._] Well, I'm astonished! If you +don't consider your behaviour d--ee--d awful, will you please find me +some word that will describe it? + +_Lucas._ You know you're putting a much worse construction on this than +the necessities of the case demand. + +_Matt._ What?! + +_Lucas._ I've nothing to reproach myself with. Mrs. Biggs wasn't out of +the dairy three minutes, and you were hanging about the windows all the +time. + +_Matt._ I was hanging about the windows? + +_Lucas._ Yes, and I must say that when you saw two people engaged in an +interesting conversation the least you could do was to pass on and take +no notice. + +_Matt._ "Interesting conversation"?! + +_Lucas._ Well, what did you call it? If it comes to that, what do you +accuse me of? + +_Matt._ Well, here you are, on the first day of the year, after +listening to a most eloquent sermon, after making a solemn resolution to +give up all your bad habits---- + +_Lucas._ Excuse me, I expressly stated that I didn't mean to give up +_all_ my bad habits. And I don't call this a bad habit. + +_Matt._ You don't call making love to a married woman a bad habit?! + +_Lucas._ Of course in one sense it is a bad habit. But it isn't a bad +habit in the sense that other bad habits are bad habits. Look at all the +decent chaps who've been led into it! + +_Matt._ That doesn't excuse you. And if you think that I'm going to +countenance your conduct, you are very much mistaken in your estimate of +my character. + +_Lucas._ [_Very quietly._] May I ask you one simple question? + +_Matt._ Well? + +_Lucas._ When you were my age, if you found yourself alone in a dairy +with a good-looking woman, and she was good for a dozen kisses or so, +wouldn't you have taken advantage of it? + +_Matt._ No! + +_Lucas._ Not at my age? + +_Matt._ No--no---- + +_Lucas._ Well, what would you have done? + +_Matt._ I should have summoned all my resolution---- + +_Lucas._ Oh, that be hanged! Come, Uncle, no humbug! Man to man! + +_Matt._ Well, I don't say that at your age I might not have been +tempted--and of course we must all go through a certain amount of +experience, or how should we be able to advise you youngsters? + +_Lucas._ I say, no confounded nonsense--your uncle Archie---- + +_Matt._ Dear old chap! + +_Lucas._ What use did you make of his advice? + +_Matt._ Well, I remember his talking to me very seriously--I suppose I +was about your age--did I ever tell you, Lucas, [_taking_ LUCAS'S _arm +affectionately_] about a very remarkable auburn-haired girl, Madge +Seaforth? + +_Lucas._ No. + +_Matt._ And my racing her across Salisbury Plain at night? + +_Lucas._ No. + +_Matt._ Forty-eight miles one glorious May night! I let her beat me! God +bless her! I let her beat me! And just as the sun rose we caught sight +of Salisbury spire. + +_Lucas._ Sounds rather jolly! + +_Matt._ Jolly? And the bacon and eggs we got through for breakfast! +Jolly? It was romance! It was poetry! Ah! Lu, my boy, you may say what +you like, there's nothing like it on this side heaven. I told you about +Mrs. Satterwaite dressing up as a widow and selling her husband? + +_Lucas._ No? + +_Matt._ Well, I bet the little hussy a fiver. Oh, Satterwaite richly +deserved all he got--I can see Satterwaite's face now, and hers, as she +stepped out of the cupboard, with the wickedest twinkle in the wickedest +black eye! Ho! Ho! Heigho! Sad! Sad!! Sad!!!--Sad! Sad!! Sad!!! Come, +come, Lucas! This won't do! This will never do! Now to get back to this +business of yours---- + +_Lucas._ Well---- + +_Matt._ When I was your guardian I let you have a pretty good fling? + +_Lucas._ You did! + +_Matt._ The pace was rather scorching? + +_Lucas._ Rather! + +_Matt._ I never pulled you up? + +_Lucas._ No, and I'm grateful. + + [_Shaking hands very cordially._ + +_Matt._ That's all right. Now, old chap, you've got to pull up! + +_Lucas._ Pull up? + +_Matt._ Short. This Mrs. Sturgess--Dolly says there's a lot of nonsense +going on, gushing letters and so on,--damned silly thing writing +letters, Lu---- + +_Lucas._ Yes, I know. + +_Matt._ Well, what do you do it for? + +_Lucas._ I don't know. + +_Matt._ You're seeing her every day. If you must carry on this +tomfoolery, why not do it by word of mouth? Why write it down, to show +what an ass you've been? + +_Lucas._ I'm sure I don't know. + +_Matt._ Do you know why you're carrying on with her at all? + +_Lucas._ Well, naturally a chap--naturally---- + +_Matt._ You're either in love with her, or you aren't? + +_Lucas._ I can't say I'm exactly in love with her---- + +_Matt._ Then why are you making love to her? + +_Lucas._ Well, she's a jolly good-looking woman, and naturally a +chap--naturally--I don't know that I ain't a bit in love with her. + +_Matt._ Well, it doesn't much matter. If you aren't in love with her +you're a fool to risk a scandal. If you are in love you'll most likely +do some silly jackass thing that will knock your career on the head, eh? + +_Lucas._ Well, when you look at it that way---- + +_Matt._ Look at it that way! Anyhow, she's a married woman, and you're +here as a guest--it isn't the right thing to do, is it? + +_Lucas._ No, it isn't. + +_Matt._ Very well, then, don't do it. Don't do it! Cut it! You will? + +_Lucas._ I've got to, I suppose. + +_Matt._ Yes, you've got to. You can tell Doll I gave it to you hot and +strong, and you're going to clear out, and not see Mrs. Sturgess +again---- + +_Lucas._ Not see her again? + +_Matt._ Isn't that what you mean to do? + +_Lucas._ Yes, I suppose. I say, what did you see at the dairy windows? + +_Matt._ I didn't see anything at all! + +_Lucas._ Nothing at all? + +_Matt._ I wasn't there! + +_Lucas._ Then how----? + +_Matt._ Dolly put me up to it. [_Laughs at him._ + +_Lucas._ Dolly? + + DOLLY _enters with a cloak which she throws on sofa._ + +_Matt._ Ah, Doll---- + +_Dolly._ [_Looking severely at_ LUCAS.] Have you spoken to him? + +_Matt._ Yes, very seriously, extra seriously, and he's going to do the +right thing and clear out, aren't you, Lucas? + +_Lucas._ [_A little unwillingly._] Yes. + +_Matt._ [_Clapping him on the shoulder._] Good chap! Good chap! + +_Dolly._ [_Still a little severe._] I'm pleased to hear it. [_To_ +LUCAS.] You've behaved in a most scandalous---- + +_Matt._ He has. I've told him all that. [_Winks at_ DOLLY _to keep her +quiet._] And he sees it quite plainly, don't you? + + [_Winks at_ LUCAS _to prompt him._ + +_Dolly._ Then it's quite broken off? + +_Matt._ Quite! Isn't it, Lu? + +_Lucas._ Yes, I suppose. I should like to say---- + +_Dolly._ Yes? + +_Lucas._ That nothing has taken place which, if rightly looked at, could +reflect discredit either upon the lady, or, I hope, upon myself. And +secondly, whatever fault there may have been, is entirely mine. + +_Matt._ That's satisfactory! It always ought to be the man's fault. +Heaven forbid it should ever be theirs. Good chap! Good chap! [_Patting +him._] Dolly, he's behaving splendidly. Now, Lu, good-night. + + [DOLLY _rings bell._ + +_Lucas._ [_Surprised._] Good-night?! + +_Dolly._ Good-night, and good-bye! [_Holding out her hand._ + +_Lucas._ You aren't going to turn me out to-night! + +_Dolly._ You said it was quite broken off. + +_Lucas._ Yes, but---- [_turns to_ MATT _with appealing gesture._] Uncle, +you didn't mean to pack me off like this---- + +_Matt._ Yes, my boy! Remember the occasion. First day of the New Year. +Take time by the forelock. Off you go! + + [_Taking him by the shoulder and trying to get him off._ + +_Lucas._ [_Resisting._] Oh no! I don't see it in that light at all. + + [_Sinks comfortably into arm-chair._ + + CRIDDLE _appears at door._ + +_Dolly._ Criddle, please have Captain Wentworth's portmanteau taken to +the billiard-room. + +_Criddle._ Yes, ma'am. + +_Dolly._ He wishes to change there, and please send to the Red Lion and +ask them to have Captain Wentworth's horse saddled. + +_Criddle._ Yes, ma'am. [_Going._ + +_Lucas._ Criddle, what's the weather like? + +_Criddle._ It's a bit colder, sir. Looks as if we were going to have +another heavy fall of snow. + +_Lucas._ I don't think I'll go to-night, Criddle. If I want the gee +saddled, I'll go and tell them myself. + +_Criddle._ Yes, sir. [_Exit._ + +_Lucas._ [_In arm-chair._] I say, Dolly, you don't really expect me to +go careering over that heath at this ungodly hour? + +_Dolly._ You can't stay here. Renie is very much upset; she has had +hysterics. So I've put her in the spare room. + +_Lucas._ Well, you can give me a shake-down somewhere--in the +billiard-room. + +_Dolly._ [_Shakes her head._] I can't ask the servants to make up +impossible beds in impossible places at this ungodly hour. + +_Lucas._ I call this beastly unfair of you, Doll. + +_Dolly._ Unfair? + +_Lucas._ Just as I'd summoned up all my resolution to do the right +thing, and avoid ructions for your sake, you pounce down on me, and +order me off the premises, and---- + +_Dolly._ [_Getting angry._] If you don't behave yourself and go off +quietly, I shall have to order you off the premises. + + [_Makes an appeal by gesture to_ MATT _to get him off._ + +_Matt._ Now, my hero! [_Lifting him out of the arm-chair._] Buckle on +your armor! Sally forth! Once more unto the breach! + + [_With some difficulty he raises_ LUCAS _out of the chair._ + +_Lucas._ Well, I'll go and have a look at the weather. [_Goes sulkily up +to door._] Mind you, if you turn me out I won't be responsible if +there's a flare up---- + +_Dolly._ Very well, so long as we don't have a flare-up here. Oh! + + [_Rings the bell again._ + +_Lucas._ [_Goes off, sulky, muttering._] Of all the--turning me +out--beastly infernal nuisance! + + [_Exit grumbling, leaving door open._ + +_Dolly._ It would serve them both right if there was to be a +flare-up--only I'm sure she'd drag me into it somehow. [CRIDDLE _appears +at door._] Please send and ask them at the Red Lion to saddle Captain +Wentworth's horse and send it here at once. + +_Criddle._ Yes, ma'am. [_Exit._ + +_Dolly._ Lucas is going to behave as badly over this as he did over the +governess. Dad----! + +_Matt._ Well? + +_Dolly._ Of course, Lucas is in the army, but surely he--he isn't a fair +sample? + +_Matt._ Oh no, oh no! Lucas is very exceptional--quite exceptional. + +_Dolly._ I thought so! They can't all be---- + +_Matt._ Oh no! I'm glad to say---- + +_Dolly._ I'm determined he shall go to-night. + + LUCAS _re-enters._ + +_Lucas._ I say, Dolly, I wish you'd come and look at the weather. + +_Dolly._ What for? + +_Lucas._ There's a great black cloud--it's going to come down! + +_Dolly._ [_Enraged._] I don't care if the heavens come down! You're +going back to Aldershot to-night. + +_Lucas._ But I tell you---- [_Appeals to_ MATT.] It's simply impossible +for me to ride across that heath---- + +_Matt._ But you rode across it last night in a howling snowstorm---- + +_Lucas._ Yes, I did! Last night! And never again, thank you! No! I don't +mind shaking down anywhere to oblige---- + + [_He is about to drop again into the arm-chair, but_ MATT _gently + pushes him aside and drops into the chair himself._ + +_Lucas._ [_Going to sofa._] Anywhere to oblige! + + [_Drops comfortably on to sofa._ + +_Dolly._ [_Comes up to him finally._] Lucas, this is abominable! I +suppose you think because we treated you so leniently over that wretched +governess---- + +_Lucas._ Well, I thought you were pretty deuced hard down on us---- + +_Dolly._ What?! Oh! [_Appeals to_ MATT. + +_Lucas._ I didn't mind your slanging me, but you might have had a little +consideration for her feelings, because, after all, she was one of your +own sex! + +_Dolly._ My own sex! The minx! + +_Lucas._ And an orphan! + +_Dolly._ Orphan! [_To_ MATT.] Go and speak to him! Go and speak to him! + + [MATT _rises and goes to_ LUCAS. DOLLY _sits down in despair._ + +_Matt._ Come, Lu. You're not playing the game! You promised to take +yourself off. + +_Lucas._ [_Comfortably seated._] Well, I will take myself off, only let +me take myself off in my own way. + +_Dolly._ It's useless your staying! Renie won't see you again. + +_Lucas._ Won't she? + +_Dolly._ No. She gave me a last message for you---- + +_Lucas._ Did she? Why didn't you give it to me? + +_Dolly._ If I tell you, will you take yourself off? + +_Lucas._ Yes, of course. What was her last message? + +_Dolly._ She said "She should always value your noble devotion, and be +proud that she had known you; but you must see how hopeless it was, and +that she trusted you would go away at once and leave her to respect you, +as you had always respected her!" + +_Matt._ A very pretty, touching little adieu! Does her great credit. +Now, Lu! Cut it! Come, my boy! + + [_Lifts him up off sofa._ LUCAS _gets up very reluctantly._ + +_Lucas._ Well, if I must go--good-night! + +_Matt._ Good-night. [_Shaking hands._] I may see you to-morrow +afternoon. + +_Lucas._ Where? + +_Matt._ I'm driving over to Aldershot to see Sir John. I shall look you +up---- + +_Lucas._ I may not be there in the afternoon---- + +_Dolly._ Lucas, you're coming over here---- + +_Lucas._ No--no; I'm not. You shouldn't suspect me. + +_Dolly._ It won't be the least use your coming---- + +_Lucas._ I know that. Well, good-bye, Doll---- + +_Dolly._ Good-bye. [_Shaking hands._ + +_Lucas._ [_Is going up to door slowly and reluctantly, turns._] I +suppose if I were to give you my solemn promise I wouldn't see her, I +couldn't shake down on that sofa. + +_Dolly._ [_Sternly and decisively._] No! + +_Lucas._ [_Goes a few more steps towards door, turns._] I suppose I +couldn't see Mrs. Sturgess? [DOLLY _looks indignant._] Only to say +good-bye. + +_Dolly._ No! She was nearly undressed when I left her. She's asleep by +now! + + _Enter_ RENIE _fully dressed, looking very interesting and tearful. + Throughout the scene she preserves the air of a martyr._ + +_Dolly._ [_Indignantly._] Renie, you promised me you wouldn't come +downstairs again! + +_Renie._ Yes, dear, but I felt I couldn't rest under your +father's unjust suspicion. [_Goes up to_ MATT, _seizes his hand +sympathetically._] Dolly tells me you have been watching the friendship +that all unconsciously has sprung up between Captain Wentworth and +myself---- + +_Matt._ [_Uncomfortable._] Not exactly watching---- + +_Renie._ I feel you may have seen, or guessed something, that has given +you a wrong impression. + +_Matt._ No, no! I assure you---- + +_Renie._ If you have, I beg you to speak out and give us a chance of +defending ourselves. Tell us exactly what you have seen, and what you +suspect---- + +_Matt._ My dear Mrs. Sturgess, I haven't seen anything, and I don't +suspect anything. + +_Renie._ You really mean that? + +_Matt._ Yes--yes---- + +_Renie._ [_Clasping his hand eagerly._] Thank you so much. Friendship +between a man and a woman is _so_ misunderstood. + +_Matt._ It is. + +_Dolly._ Yes, Lucas had a friendship with a governess here which we all +misunderstood--till afterwards. + +_Lucas._ I say, Dolly, don't you---- + +_Renie._ Now that there is no chance of your misjudging our friendship, +I don't mind saying---- [_Shows signs of breaking down._] You won't +misunderstand me? [_Clinging to his hand._ + +_Matt._ No, no! + +_Renie._ My life has not been altogether a happy one. + +_Matt._ I'm sure it hasn't! + +_Renie._ Under other circumstances--let that pass! [_Wrings_ MATT'S +_hands._] Thank you, thank you! [_Goes to_ LUCAS.] Captain Wentworth, I +shall always be proud to have known you. + +_Dolly._ I've told him all that! + + [MATT _hushes_ DOLLY _with a gesture._ + +_Renie._ I shall always cherish the memory of our friendship, but it +might be misunderstood, and so [_breaking down, but bearing up with an +effort_], you will behave like the gallant gentleman I know you to be, +and say good-bye to me for ever! + +_Matt._ Nobly spoken! Very nobly spoken indeed! + +_Lucas._ Well, if you insist---- + +_Renie._ I do! Good-bye for ever! + +_Lucas._ Good-bye. [_They have a long hand-shake._ + +_Renie._ Good-bye. + + [_Tears herself away from him and tragically throws herself on + sofa._ LUCAS _follows her up._ + +_Lucas._ I say, Mrs. Sturgess---- + +_Renie._ [_Face buried in hands, moans out._] Go, go! In pity's name +don't make it harder for me! + +_Matt._ In pity's name don't make it harder for her. + +_Dolly._ [_Looking off at door._] They'll be coming out of the +billiard-room directly. + +_Matt._ Now, Lucas---- + + CRIDDLE _appears at door._ + +_Criddle._ Your horse is waiting for you, sir. + +_Lucas._ My horse?! + +_Criddle._ Yes, sir, just outside. + +_Lucas._ What on earth do they mean? A valuable horse like that--just +clipped--standing about on a night like this--who told them? + +_Dolly._ I did. The horse is waiting to take you back to Aldershot. + +_Lucas._ I can't go back to Aldershot in this kit. [_Pointing to his +dress-clothes._] Tell them to take it back to the Red Lion! + +_Dolly._ And Criddle, give the man Captain Wentworth's portmanteau to +take to the Red Lion at the same time. + +_Criddle._ Yes, ma'am. [_Exit._ + +_Lucas._ [_Grumbling._] Well, of all----Good-bye, Mrs. Sturgess. + +_Dolly._ You've said good-bye---- + +_Renie._ [_Still tragic on sofa._] Farewell--for ever! + +_Lucas._ Good-night, Dolly! + +_Dolly._ Farewell--for a good long time. [_Shaking hands._ + +_Lucas._ Good-night, Uncle. + +_Matt._ Good-night, Lucas. [_Shaking hands._ + +_Lucas._ [_Turns at door._] Happen to have your cigar-case handy? + + [MATT _takes out cigar-case, offers it._ + +_Lucas._ Could you spare two? + +_Matt._ Certainly! + +_Lucas._ I've got a jolly long ride, I'll take three if you don't mind. + +_Matt._ Do! + +_Lucas._ Thank'ee. Well, good-night, everybody. + + [MATT _gets_ LUCAS _off, closes door after him._ + +_Renie._ [_Rouses herself from sofa._] Has he gone? Is it all over? + +_Dolly._ I hope so. [_Goes and rings bell twice._ + +_Renie._ [_Goes to_ MATT _impulsively--and seizes his hand._] At least +this bitter experience has gained me one true friend. + +_Matt._ [_Embarrassed._] Yes---- + +_Renie._ [_Wrings his hand in gratitude._] Thank you so much---- + + [_He gets away from her and shows relief; takes out cigar and + prepares to light it._ + +_Renie._ [_Standing in the middle of the room, pitying herself._] That's +where we get the worst of it, we women who have hearts! We must feel, we +must show our feelings, and then we get trampled down in the fight. Oh, +Dolly, how I envy you your nature! + +_Dolly._ [_Very chilly._] Are you going into the spare room, dear? + +_Renie._ Anywhere! Anywhere! Yes, the spare room! + + PETERS, DOLLY'S _maid, appears at door._ + +_Dolly._ Peters, will you bank up the fire in the spare room and make +everything comfortable for Mrs. Sturgess? + +_Peters._ Yes, ma'am. [_Exit._ + +_Renie._ [_Still in the middle of the room, pitying herself._] So my +poor little tragedy is ended! [_To_ MATT. + +_Matt._ Yes. Well, let's be thankful no bones are broken! + +_Renie._ No bones, but how about hearts? Well, I must bear it. [_With a +weary smile._] Mustn't I? + +_Matt._ I'm afraid you must. + +_Renie._ Good-night! [_Wrings his hand with gratitude._] Good-night! + +_Matt._ Good-night. + + [_Gets away from her, and busies himself with his cigar, lights + it._ + +_Renie._ Good-night, Dolly! + +_Dolly._ I'll come up with you, and stay till you're quite comfortable. + +_Renie._ Shall I ever be comfortable again? Will things ever be the +same? I wonder! + + [_Goes off mournfully and tragically at back with a prolonged + sigh._ MATT _has seated himself on sofa and taken up paper._ + +_Dolly._ [_Calls his attention to_ RENIE'S _exit and makes a furious +gesture after her._] I know she'll be here next Christmas! [_Marches +down enraged to_ MATT _and repeats in an angry, aggrieved way, +emphasizing each word._] I know that woman will be here next +Christmas! + +_Matt._ [_Seated comfortably with his cigar and paper_] I daresay she +will---- + + [DOLLY _marches indignantly and decisively to door and exit._ + + +CURTAIN. + + + + +(_Half an hour passes between Acts II and III._) + +ACT III. + + +SCENE: _The same. Discover_ MATT _in the same seat and attitude, with +paper and cigar._ DOLLY _enters._ + +_Matt._ Well?? + +_Dolly._ I've had an awful time with her---- + +_Matt._ How? + +_Dolly._ [_Seated._] First she had another fit of hysterics--then she +longed to go out into the night air to cool her fevered brow--then she +moaned out something about her noble Lucas---- + +_Matt._ And now? + +_Dolly._ I've persuaded her to let Peters undress her. I've got her off +my hands at last. + +_Matt._ That's a comfort. + +_Dolly._ Dad! + +_Matt._ Yes. + +_Dolly._ I won't have her here next Christmas. + +_Matt._ No, I wouldn't. + +_Dolly._ [_Repeats in a slow, aggrieved, enraged way, emphasizing each +syllable._] Whatever happens, I will not have that woman in my house +next Christmas. You hear that? + +_Matt._ Yes. You won't have her here next Christmas! + +_Dolly._ I mean it, this time. And I won't have Lucas here again for a +very long time. + +_Matt._ I wouldn't. + +_Dolly._ [_Seated beside him._] Dad, please put away that paper. You're +going over to Aldershot to-morrow to try to get Lucas exchanged? + +_Matt._ I'll try. + +_Dolly._ Where can you get him sent? + +_Matt._ Gibraltar--India--South Africa--according as an appointment +happens to be vacant. + +_Dolly._ The further the better, and the longer. + + PETERS _appears at door._ + +_Dolly._ Well, Peters, have you made Mrs. Sturgess comfortable? + +_Peters._ I'm trying to, ma'am. + +_Dolly._ Is she in bed yet? + +_Peters._ No, ma'am. + +_Dolly._ Not in bed! + +_Peters._ No, ma'am, but she seems rather quieter. + +_Dolly._ She let you undress her, I suppose? + +_Peters._ I'm just going to, ma'am. She says her brain is still +throbbing. + +_Dolly._ Throbbing! + +_Peters._ And could you lend her your hop-pillow? + +_Dolly._ You'll find it in my wardrobe. + +_Peters._ Yes, ma'am. + +_Dolly._ Peters, pat up the hop-pillow for her, and insist on undressing +her---- + +_Peters._ Yes, ma'am. [_Going._ + +_Dolly._ Don't leave her till you've seen her comfortably in bed. + +_Peters._ No, ma'am. + + [_Exit. A gust of wind and a little rattle of hail on the + conservatory window._ + +_Matt._ Whew! The New Year means business! + +_Dolly._ And so do I, as Lucas will find out. + +_Matt._ He is finding it out, on that heath! + +_Dolly._ Yes! [_With a little laugh._] Ha! ha! [_A louder gust and +rattle of hail._] Listen! Listen! Ha! And he might have been here +playing a comfortable rubber by the fire--if he'd simply behaved +himself! + +_Matt._ If he'd "simply behaved" himself! What we all miss through not +"simply behaving" ourselves. + + [_Another gust._ + +_Dolly._ [_Laughs._] Ah! He's catching it! I shall insist on Renie +driving out with me to-morrow afternoon. + +_Matt._ Yes. + +_Dolly._ Then she can't meet Lucas. That will be another sell for +him--[_Another furious gust and rattle._] Listen! Ha! ha! I wonder how +far Lucas has got! + + [_A noise of something being knocked over in the conservatory, + which is lighted._ + +_Matt._ [_Goes to the conservatory door, looks in; is startled._] Hillo! +hillo! What?! + + LUCAS _enters from the upper conservatory door in riding-clothes of + first Act._ + +_Dolly._ [_Enraged._] Lucas! [_More enraged._] Lucas! How dare you?! + +_Lucas._ It's all right--don't make a fuss! + +_Dolly._ [_Furious._] Why aren't you on the way to Aldershot? + +_Lucas._ I didn't like the look of the weather! I didn't like the look +of it at all! So I got them to give me a shake-down at the Red Lion---- + +_Dolly._ [_Indignantly._] Shake-down at the Red Lion! + +_Lucas._ Yes, on their sofa! You needn't look so black! I asked you +first, to let me have a shake-down here--on that sofa---- + +_Dolly._ But why have you come back here? + +_Lucas._ Well, I must have dropped those cigars uncle Matt gave me. I +put them carefully in my side pocket, and when I got down to the Red +Lion, lo and behold, they weren't there! + +_Dolly._ You could have got a cigar at the Red Lion---- + +_Lucas._ [_Turns to_ MATT _for sympathy._] I could have got a cigar at +the Red Lion! [_To_ DOLLY.] No, thank you! So I thought I'd just stroll +up here in the hope---- + +_Dolly._ In the hope of seeing Mrs. Sturgess! But she's safely in bed +this time, and there's no possible chance of your seeing her. + +_Lucas._ In the hope of getting Harry to give me a decent smoke. Well, I +came into the Hall and not wishing to rile you by my hated presence--I +slipped into the conservatory---- + + _Enter_ HARRY. + +_Harry._ [_Surprised at the riding-clothes._] Hillo, Lu, going back to +Aldershot to-night? + +_Lucas._ No, not unless the weather takes a turn. No, Dolly said that as +the spare room was occupied, would I mind getting a shake-down at the +Red Lion. So I did, and as I've got nothing to smoke, may I cadge a +cigar? + +_Harry._ Yes, old fellow. [_Taking out cigar-case._ + +_Dolly._ [_Intercepting._] You said I should take charge of your cigars, +in case you should be tempted to smoke more than two a day---- + +_Harry._ By Jove, I forgot all about two per diem--I've been smoking all +day. Here, Lu! [_About to throw cigar-case to_ LUCAS.] You'd better take +the lot and keep me out of temptation! + +_Dolly._ No! I'll take charge of that, please. + + [_Takes the cigar-case, looks angrily at_ LUCAS, _goes to + writing-desk, puts it in._ + + PETERS _appears at door._ + +_Peters._ I beg pardon, ma'am, Mrs. Sturgess---- + +_Dolly._ What about her? + +_Peters._ When I got back with the hop-pillow she wasn't there. I've +looked all over the house, and I can't find her anywhere. [_Glancing +off into the conservatory._] Oh, there she is! + + RENIE _enters, fully dressed from conservatory, very languidly, + with handkerchief and smelling-salts._ PETERS _goes off._ + +_Dolly._ Renie! + + [_Looks at_ MATT, _who is inclined to laugh, checks it, shrugs his + shoulders and goes over to fire._ + +_Renie._ My head was racking, I had to rush out--I've been pacing up and +down under the veranda, up and down, up and down, up and down--[DOLLY +_makes a little grimace of angry incredulity_] it's a little easier now, +so I'll take advantage of the lull, and try to get some sleep. + +_Dolly._ Yes, I would. + +_Renie._ Good-night, dear. + +_Dolly._ [_Severely._] Good-night once more. + +_Renie._ Good-night, Mr. Telfer. [_Offering hand._ + +_Harry._ Good-night, I'm awfully sorry---- + +_Renie._ [_With her weary smile._] Oh, it's only a headache. I can bear +it. Thank you for your sympathy. [_Wringing his hand in fervent +gratitude._] Good-night, Mr. Barron. + +_Matt._ Good-night. I hope we sha'n't have any more little tragedies, +eh? + +_Renie._ [_Very fervently._] I hope not, oh, I hope not! [_To_ LUCAS +_very casually and distantly._] Good-night, Captain Wentworth. + +_Lucas._ [_Same tone._] Good-night, Mrs. Sturgess. + + [_Exit_ RENIE. PETERS _is seen to join her in the hall. A little + pause._ + +_Lucas._ Well, I'll be toddling back to the Red Lion. Good-night, Dolly. +[DOLLY _looks at him, furious, turns away._ HARRY _looks a little +surprised._] Good-night, Harry. + +_Harry_. Good-night, Lu. Seems a pity for you to turn out on a night +like this. Dolly, can't we give him a shake-down----? + +_Dolly._ No! + + [HARRY _shows surprise at her tone. A little pause of + embarrassment._ + +_Lucas._ Good-night, Uncle Matt. + +_Matt._ [_Comes up to him, in a low voice._] Cut it, my dear lad. Cut +it! That's understood? + +_Lucas._ Yes, of course. Well, good-night, Dolly, once more. [_She +doesn't reply._] Oh well, if you're going on the rampage--[_Goes off +muttering._] Infernal nuisance--night like this---- [_Exit._ + +_Harry._ Is anything the matter? + +_Dolly._ Lucas has offended me very much. I don't wish to speak of it. + + _The_ PROFESSOR _enters at back._ + +_Matt._ Well, who was the victor? + +_Harry._ The Professor won all four games. + +_Prof._ I ascribe the increased accuracy of my stroke at billiards to my +increased nerve force, now I have made Pableine my staple article of +diet in place of meat. + +_Matt._ Flies to the gray matter, eh? + +_Prof._ Instantaneously. + +_Matt._ Good stuff! + +_Prof._ I hope you'll try it. Shall I send a tin to your room? + +_Matt._ Will you? That will be kind! + + CRIDDLE _appears at door._ + +_Criddle._ I've put the spirits in the hall, sir. + +_Harry._ You can take them away, Criddle. In the future we shall not +require spirits at night, only soda water and tea. + +_Criddle._ Yes, sir. [_Exit._ + +_Dolly._ [_Who has been sitting wearily on sofa, rises._] Well, I'm +going to bed. + +_Harry._ You forget, dear. + +_Dolly._ What? [HARRY _taps the writing-desk._] Oh, my dear Harry, we +won't go into them to-night. + +_Harry._ Yes, my dear, if you please. [_Very firmly._ DOLLY _makes an +impatient gesture and pouts._] Please don't look like that. If I'm to +help you in paying off these bills, it must be to-night, or not at all. + +_Dolly._ Oh, very well, but---- [_Sits down wearily._ + +_Prof._ [_Taking out watch._] Five minutes past my usual hour. + +_Dolly._ Renie has one of her bad headaches, so I've put her in the +spare room. + +_Prof._ Thank you. I'm afraid she's a little wilful. I can never get her +to see that life can yield us no real satisfaction unless we regulate +all our actions to the most minute point. Good-night. + +_Dolly._ Good-night. [_Shaking hands._ + +_Prof._ Good-night, Telfer. + +_Harry._ Good-night. [_Shaking hands._ + +_Matt._ Good-night, Harry. + +_Harry._ Good-night, Dad. [_Shaking hands._ + +_Matt._ [_To_ DOLLY.] Night-night, dear. + +_Dolly._ Night-night, Dad. [_Kissing him._ + +_Prof._ [_Has been waiting at door._] I might perhaps show you the +precise way of mixing the Pableine. + +_Matt._ That would be kind! What's the dose? + +_Prof._ Two teaspoonfuls. On certain occasions I have taken as much as +four tablespoonfuls. + +_Matt._ Wasn't that rather--going it? + +_Prof._ No. It's quite tasteless, except for a very slight beany +flavor. + +_Matt._ Sounds just the thing for a New Year's drink, to brace up good +resolutions. Come along! I'll have a regular night-cap of it. + + [_Exeunt_ MATT _and_ PROFESSOR. + +_Harry._ Now we can have our cosy half hour. + +_Dolly._ Ye-es. I've had an awful evening with Lucas. Don't you +think----? + +_Harry._ No, my darling. You put it off after tea---- + +_Dolly._ But our heads will be so much clearer in the morning---- + +_Harry._ [_Very solemnly and severely._] My darling, remember what +Pilcher said about procrastination. And remember our resolutions last +night. If we break them on the first night of the year, where shall we +be on the thirty-first of December? + +_Dolly._ I'm horribly fagged. + +_Harry._ Conquer it! Think how delightful it will be to put your head on +the pillow to-night, without a single anxiety, without a single +thought---- + +_Dolly._ Except my gratitude to you! + +_Harry._ Come, dear, no time like the present! + +_Dolly._ [_Jumps up very briskly._] No time like the present! [_Looking +at him with great admiration._] Oh, Harry, what a dear, kind, good +husband you've always been to me! + +_Harry._ Have I, my darling? [_Modestly._] I've done my best---- + +_Dolly._ How I must have tried you! + +_Harry._ No, dear--at least a little sometimes. + +_Dolly._ When I think what patience you've had with me, and never +reproached me---- + +_Harry._ Well, not often. We've had our little tiffs--That day at +Goodwood--eh? + +_Dolly._ Don't speak of it! I was to blame---- + +_Harry._ No, dear, I can't let you accuse yourself. I was quite in the +wrong. + +_Dolly._ No, dear, it was my fault entirely! + +_Harry._ Well, we won't quarrel about that. Now these bills---- + +_Dolly._ And what good pals we've been! + +_Harry._ And always shall be. [_Kissing her._ + +_Dolly._ [_Hugging him._] Oh, you dear! + +_Harry._ Now, business, business! + +_Dolly._ [_Going up to writing-desk._] What a lucky woman I am! + +_Harry._ [_Seated at table._] Bring them all. + +_Dolly._ [_Has opened desk and taken up some bills--she looks round +dubiously at_ HARRY.] What a splendid thing it must be to be a husband +and have it in your power to make your wife _adore_ you, by simply +paying a few bills. + +_Harry._ Yes--bring them all. [_She comes down with a bundle of about +fifteen, hands them to him._] Is this all? + +_Dolly._ All, of any importance. + +_Harry._ I want to see them all. + +_Dolly._ So you shall, but we'll go through these first, because +[_lamely_] if you want to ask any questions we can settle them on the +spot, can't we? + +_Harry._ [_Reading from the bill._] Maison Recamier, Court and artistic +millinery. By Jove! [_Looks up._ + +_Dolly._ What! + +_Harry._ One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine--nine +hats! + +_Dolly._ Different kinds of hats. + +_Harry._ Yedda straw hat, four guineas, ostrich feather ruffle, twelve +pounds ten---- + +_Dolly._ That was the one--you remember--when I came into the room you +said, "Stay there! Just as you are! I must kiss you!" + +_Harry._ Yes, but twelve pounds ten--Moss green chip hat, four, +fourteen, six. Heliotrope velvet toque---- + +_Dolly._ That's the dear little toque you admire so much! + +_Harry._ Do I? Six guineas! Dear little toque! Hat in white Tegal with +plumes of Nattier Bleu--fifteen guineas--Fifteen guineas?! + +_Dolly._ With plumes! Of Nattier Bleu! + +_Harry._ But fifteen guineas! + +_Dolly._ Oh, the woman's a fearful swindler! But what are you to do with +such people? + +_Harry._ [_With bill._] Total, sixty-four, seven, six. And I get my one +silk topper a year, at a guinea, and three and six for doing it up. +Total for me, one, four, six. Total for you---- + +_Dolly._ My dear Harry, don't make absurd comparisons! + +_Harry._ [_Takes another bill._] John Spearman, artistic gown maker, +ball gowns, reception gowns, race gowns--Good heavens! + +_Dolly._ What's the matter? + +_Harry._ Total, five hundred and fifty-six pounds--that can't be right! + +_Dolly._ [_Frightened._] No, it can't be! Add it up! + +_Harry._ [_Reading._] Tea gown of chiffon taffeta-- + +_Dolly._ The one I took to Folkestone, you remember? + + [_With a little attempt at a kiss._ + +_Harry._ [_Gently repulsing her._] No, I don't. [_She puts her arms +round his neck; he gently pushes her aside._] Business first, please. +[_Reads._] Gown of white cloth with Postillion coat of Rose du Barri +silk, motifs of silver, forty-five guineas---- + +_Dolly._ You won't grumble at that, for when I first put it on, you +stood and looked at me and said, "I want to know how it is, Doll, that +the moment a dress gets on to your shoulders, it seems to brisk up, and +be as cocky and proud of itself----" + + [_Again attempting to embrace him._ + +_Harry._ [_Again repulsing her._] Yes, well now I do know! Jolly proud +and cocky your dresses ought to feel at this price! [_Reads._] "Evening +cloak of strawberry satin charmeuse, trimmed silk passementerie, motifs +and fringed stoles of dull gold embroidery, thirty-five guineas." What's +a motif? + +_Dolly._ It's a trimming--a lot of little touches--a sort +of--a--a--a--[_making a little descriptive gesture_] a suggestion--a +motif---- + +_Harry._ And Mr. John Spearman's motif is that I should pay him five +hundred and fifty-six pounds. Well, I don't like Mr. John Spearman's +motifs, and I'm not going to fall in with them. [_Puts the bill on the +table rather angrily, takes up another, reads._] "Artistic lingerie!" I +wonder why all these people call themselves artists! "Underwear of +daintiness and distinction." + +_Dolly._ Well, you've always praised---- + +_Harry._ Yes. In future, I'm going to be very careful what articles of +your dress I praise. "Three pairs of blue silk garters, forty-five +shillings." [_She has settled herself in the armchair, looking a little +sulky and obstinate, leaning back and pettishly swinging one leg over +the other._] What have you got to say to that? + +_Dolly._ Garters are necessary. + +_Harry._ Yes, but why three? And why blue silk? Why don't you speak? + +_Dolly._ The garters can speak for themselves! + +_Harry._ Very well. Garters that can speak for themselves can pay for +themselves! [_Dashes the bill on the table, takes up another. Reading._] +Three bottles coeur de Janette--three bottles Souffle de +Marguerite--fifteen pounds for scent--and I have to smoke sixpenny +cigars! And sometimes only fourpenny! + +_Dolly._ Well, if you will smoke those horrid strong things you can't +wonder I have to disinfect the house for you. + +_Harry._ Disinfect the house _for_ me! You'll very soon disinfect the +house _of_ me! [_Glances through the remaining bills, groans, puts them +on the table, and walks about in despair._ DOLLY _rises and is going +off._] Where are you going? + +_Dolly._ To bed. + +_Harry._ [_Stopping her._] No! Now we've begun, we'll go through to the +bitter end, if you please. I want you to explain---- + +_Dolly._ My dear Harry, it will be quite useless for me to try to +explain in your present state---- + +_Harry._ [_Getting furious._] In my present state---- + +_Dolly._ Dancing about the room and shouting!---- + +_Harry._ I'm not shouting! + +_Dolly._ You're not shouting?! + +_Harry._ No, and if I am, isn't it enough to make a man shout when his +wife---- + + MATT _appears at the door in his dressing-gown and slippers._ + +_Matt._ Excuse my interrupting. But you know my room is just above this, +and if you could manage to pitch your voices in rather a softer key---- + +_Harry._ By Jove, I'd forgotten! We were getting a little noisy. I'm +awfully sorry. + +_Matt._ Don't mention it! The Professor gave me rather a stiff go of his +Pableine, and I fancy it hasn't agreed with me [_tapping his chest_] for +I can't get a wink of sleep. Is there a spoonful of whiskey about? + +_Harry._ On the sideboard in the dining-room. + +_Matt._ Thankee. [_Tapping his chest._] Harry, when you get over fifty, +don't change your nightcap, or any of your other bad habits. + +_Harry._ I won't. Now, Dolly---- + +_Matt._ [_Anxiously._] You won't perhaps be very long now? + +_Dolly._ No, we'd nearly finished---- + +_Matt._ Nothing serious, I hope? + +_Dolly._ Harry doesn't approve of my using scent. + +_Harry._ Not in pailfuls. Certainly not. + +_Dolly._ I had three small bottles---- + +_Matt._ Montaigne says that the sweetest perfume a woman can have, is to +have none at all. [_Exit._ + +_Harry._ Now, my darling, we shall best arrive at an understanding if we +avoid all temper, and discuss it in a calm, business-like way. + +_Dolly._ [_A little frightened._] Ye-es---- + +_Harry._ Very well then, bring up your chair, and let us go into it, +figure by figure, item by item, and see how we stand. + +_Dolly._ Ye-es. [_Bringing a chair a little way._] Harry, you aren't +going to be as business-like as all that? + +_Harry._ As all what? + +_Dolly._ I can't discuss it while you keep me at a distance! [_Suddenly +rushes at him, seats herself on his knee, puts his arm round her waist, +kisses him._] There! now I feel I can discuss it thoroughly. + +_Harry._ Very well [_kisses her_], so long as we do discuss it +thoroughly. + +_Dolly._ I began to get quite frightened of you, Mr. Jobling. + +_Harry._ Jobling? + +_Dolly._ The man Mr. Pilcher had to get a money-box for, because he +swore at his wife! + +_Harry._ Oh, yes. + +_Dolly._ You got so angry--and shouted---- + +_Harry._ Well, there was no reason for that, especially as getting out +of temper is _the_ one thing I'm quite resolved to conquer this New +Year---- + +_Dolly._ [_Kissing him._] Don't forget that! + +_Harry._ [_Kisses her._] Now, business, business! [_Takes up a bill._] +What have we here? Carchet, gantier et bonnetier, artiste--Hillo, here's +another artist! In stockings this time. [_Suddenly._] I say! + +_Dolly._ [_Frightened._] Eh? + +_Harry._ [_Points to an item in bill._] Come now, Dolly--this is really +too bad--this really is too bad! + +_Dolly._ [_Frightened._] What?! + + [_Getting off his knee._ + +_Harry._ One dozen pairs best silk hose, with clocks---- + +_Dolly._ Yes--how much does that come to? + +_Harry._ Eleven pounds two---- + +_Dolly._ It does seem rather a high price, but---- + + [_Drawing up her dress and showing an inch or two of silk + stocking._ + +_Harry._ You're wearing them about the house? + +_Dolly._ I can't go about the house without stockings. And I put them on +for your especial benefit. [_He utters a contemptuous exclamation._] +They're a lovely quality---- + + [_Drawing up her dress an inch or two higher._ + +_Harry._ I daresay. [_Turning away._] I'm not going to admire your +stockings, or your ostrich ruffles, or your blue silk garters, or your +motifs, or anything that is yours! It's too expensive! + +_Dolly._ [_Dress an inch higher, looking down at her stockings._] It's +the clocks you have to pay for---- + +_Harry._ I beg your pardon, it's the clocks I haven't got to pay for! +And don't mean to--if I can help it. Idiotic thing to go and put clocks +on stockings--[_muttering_] damned silly idiotic---- + +_Dolly._ Ah! [_Goes to table, brings the hospital box and puts it in +front of him._] Double fine this time. + +_Harry._ What for? + +_Dolly._ Naughty swear word, and getting out of temper. + +_Harry._ Oh well--[_fumbling in his pocket_] I did say d----, but I +didn't get out of temper! + +_Dolly._ You didn't get out of temper?!? + +_Harry._ Not at all. I'm quite calm. [_Sulkily puts a shilling in the +box._] There! [_Seats himself at table._] Now we'll go quietly and +methodically through the remainder---- [_Taking up a bill, looks at it, +exclaims._] Good heavens! + +_Dolly._ Good heavens what? + +_Harry._ [_In a low exhausted tone with groans._] Good heavens! Good +heavens! It's absolutely useless--Good heavens! + +_Dolly._ But what is it? [_Coming up, looking over._ + +_Harry._ [_Points to bill._] Four more hats! Nine on the other +bill--four more here. Thirteen hats. + +_Dolly._ No, one was a toque. + +_Harry._ But can you explain? + +_Dolly._ Yes. You said yourself that Madame Recamier was horribly +expensive, so I left her and went to Jacquelin's--just to save your +pocket---- + +_Harry._ Never save my pocket again, please. + +_Dolly._ Very well, I won't. + +_Harry._ No, I daresay you won't, but I shall! I shall draw the strings +very tightly in future. Save my pocket! [_He is walking about +distractedly._] Save my pocket. [_Groans._ + +_Dolly._ Now, Harry, it's useless to take it in this way--you knew when +you married me I hadn't got the money sense---- + +_Harry._ [_Groans._] I hadn't got any sense at all! + +_Dolly._ Very likely not. But try and have a little now. What have I +done? Run a little into debt, solely to please you. + +_Harry._ Yes; well, now run out of it, and I shall be better pleased +still. + +_Dolly._ After all, running into debt is a positive virtue beside the +things that some wives do! + +_Harry._ Oh, it's a positive virtue, is it? + +_Dolly._ A husband is very lucky when his wife spends most of her time +running up a few bills. It keeps her out of mischief. I'm sure you ought +to feel very glad that I'm a little extravagant! + +_Harry._ Oh, I am! I am! I'm delighted! + + [_He sits at table, takes out a pencil, hurriedly puts down the + amounts of the various bills--she creeps up behind him._ + +_Dolly._ What are you doing? + +_Harry._ I'm totting up to see how lucky I am! Forty-one, one, six---- +[_Groans._] Ninety-four---- [_Groans._ + +_Dolly._ [_Has crept up behind him, puts her arms round his neck._] Now, +Harry, will you take my advice----? + +_Harry._ No. + +_Dolly._ It's past eleven. + + [_Trying to take the pencil out of his hand._ + +_Harry._ [_Disengaging her arms, speaking very sternly._] Will you have +the goodness to let me have all your bills, so that I may know what help +I shall need from my banker? + +_Dolly._ Harry, you don't mean that? Oh, that's absurd with our income! + +_Harry._ Will you have the goodness to do as I say, and at once, please? +[_He is dotting down figures. She stands still in the middle of the +room._] Did you hear me? + + [_She bursts into tears. He turns round and shows symptoms of + relenting towards her, but steels himself and turns to the bills. + She bursts into renewed tears. He goes on figuring._ + +_Dolly._ [_Piteously._] Harry! Harry! [_Goes up to him and plucks his +sleeve._] Harry! + +_Harry._ Well? + + [_He turns and looks at her, is about to yield, but resists, turns + away from her, settles resolutely to his figures._ + +_Dolly._ And on the first night of the New Year, too! Just as we were +going to be so happy! Harry! [_Holds out her arms appealingly._] Harry! +[HARRY _suddenly turns round and clasps her._] How could you be so +unkind to me? + +_Harry._ Was I? I didn't mean to be. Now! Dry your tears, and help me +reckon this up---- + +_Dolly._ Ye-es. + +_Harry._ But first of all let me have the remainder of the bills---- + +_Dolly._ Yes. + +_Harry._ At once, my darling--it's getting late. + +_Dolly._ Yes. [_Goes up to desk._] You won't reproach me? + +_Harry._ Of course I won't. + +_Dolly._ I can bear anything except your reproaches. Promise you won't +reproach me. + +_Harry._ I won't, unless---- + +_Dolly._ Unless what? + +_Harry._ It's something too awful. + +_Dolly._ Oh, it isn't. Not at all. Not at all. [_Goes up to the desk, +brings down about ten more bills with great affected cheerfulness._] +There! You see, it's nothing. + +_Harry._ [_Hastily looking at the totals._] Nothing? You call these +nothing!!? + +_Dolly._ Nothing to speak about--nothing awful! + +_Harry._ Good heavens! How any woman with the least care for her +husband, or her home---- [_looking at one total after another_] how any +woman with the least self-respect---- [DOLLY _goes to him, puts her arms +round him, tries to embrace--he repulses her._] No, please. I've had +enough of that old dodge. + +_Dolly._ Dodge! + +_Harry._ I remember that last two hundred pounds and how you sweedled me +out of it! + +_Dolly._ Sweedled? + +_Harry._ Yes! Sweedled! + +_Dolly._ There's no such word! + +_Harry._ No, but there's the thing! As most husbands know. [_Referring +to one bill after another, picking out items._] Lace coat, hand-made! +En-tout-cas, studded cabochons of lapis lazuli--studded +cabochons--studded cabochons! + +_Dolly._ [_Has quietly seated herself, and is looking at the ceiling._] +Couldn't you manage to pitch your voice in rather a softer key? + +_Harry._ [_Comes angrily down to her, bills in hand, speaks in a +whisper, very rapidly and fiercely._] Yes! And I say that a woman who +goes and runs up bills like these, [_dashing the back of one hand +against the bills in the other_] while her husband is smoking threepenny +cigars, will very soon bring herself and him to one of those new +palatial workhouses where, thank heaven, the cuisine and appointments +are now organized with a view of providing persons of your tastes with +every luxury at the ratepayers' expense. [_Returns angrily to the bills, +turns them over._] Irish lace bolero! [_Turns to another._] Fur motor +coat, fifty-five guineas---- + +_Dolly._ [_Calmly gazing at the ceiling._] You told me to look as smart +as Mrs. Colefield. + +_Harry._ Not at that price! If I'd known what that motor tour would cost +by Jove! I'd---- + +_Dolly._ You're getting noisy again. You'll wake my father. + +_Harry._ He ought to be waked! He ought to know what his daughter is +saddling me with. + +_Dolly._ Very well, if you don't care how shabby I look---- + +_Harry._ Shabby! [_Referring to bills._] Lace demi-toilette! Point de +Venise lace Directoire coat! Shabby? + +_Dolly._ My dear Harry, do you suppose we shall ever agree as to what +constitutes shabbiness? + +_Harry._ No, I'm hanged if we ever shall! + +_Dolly._ Then suppose we drop the subject. For the future I shall +endeavor to please you entirely. + +_Harry._ Oh, you will? + +_Dolly._ By dressing so that you'll be ashamed to be seen in the same +street with me. I shall make myself a perfect fright--a perfect dowdy--a +perfect draggletail! + +_Harry._ Then I shall not be seen in the same street with you. + +_Dolly._ You won't? + +_Harry._ No, my dear. Make no mistake about that! + +_Dolly._ You'll be seen with somebody else, perhaps? + +_Harry._ Very likely. + +_Dolly._ Have you met Miss Smithson again? + +_Harry._ Not since the last time. + +_Dolly._ Have you seen her since we were at Folkestone? + +_Harry._ What's that to do with your bills? + +_Dolly._ A great deal. That night at dinner she told you her dress +allowance was a hundred and twenty a year, and you said you wished she'd +give me a few lessons in economy. + +_Harry._ I did not. + +_Dolly._ Pardon me, you did! + +_Harry._ Pardon me, I did not. I said she might give _some_ women a +lesson in economy. + +_Dolly._ You did not! I heard every word of your conversation, and you +distinctly asked her to give me, your wife, a few lessons in economy. + +_Harry._ I'll swear I didn't! + +_Dolly._ Ask my father! He was there. + +_Harry._ Very well! I'll ask him the first thing in the morning. + +_Dolly._ No, to-night! You've accused me of deliberately saying what +isn't true, and I---- + +_Harry._ I have not! + +_Dolly._ Yes, you have. And I insist on having it cleared up to-night! I +don't suppose he's asleep! Fetch him down! + +_Harry._ Very well! I will fetch him down! [_Exit._ + +_Dolly._ [_Paces furiously up and down._] Me! Lessons in economy! +Lessons in economy! Me! Lessons in economy! + + _Re-enter_ HARRY. + +_Harry._ He'll be down in a minute! Meantime, [_very angry_] I want to +know what any woman in this world wants with two dozen cache corsets? + + [_Banging his free hand on the bills._ + +_Dolly._ We'll clear up Miss Smithson first---- + +_Harry._ No, we will not clear up Miss Smithson---- + +_Dolly._ Because you can't clear up Miss Smithson---- + +_Harry._ I can clear up Miss Smithson---- + +_Dolly._ You cannot clear up Miss Smithson---- + + MATT _appears at door in dressing-gown, rubbing his eyes and + looking very sleepy._ + +Dad, you remember Miss Smithson---- + +_Matt._ [_Coming in, very sleepy._] Smithson? + +_Dolly._ The girl at the hotel at Folkestone, that Harry paid so much +attention to. + +_Harry._ I paid no more attention to Miss Smithson than was absolutely +necessary. Did I, Mr. Barron? + +_Dolly._ Oh! Oh! Dad, you remember---- + +_Matt._ Not for the moment---- + +_Dolly._ Not the disgraceful way Harry--there's no other word--carried +on! + +_Harry._ I did not carry on--Mr. Barron, I appeal to you. + +_Dolly._ Dad! + +_Matt._ My dear, I certainly did not notice---- + +_Dolly._ No, he was far too careful to let anyone notice it, except his +own wife! + +_Harry._ You lay your life when I do carry on my wife will be the last +person I shall allow to notice it! + +_Dolly._ I daresay! Dad, did you hear that? + +_Matt._ Yes. [_Rousing himself a little._] Now, Harry, what about this +Miss Smithson? + +_Harry._ That's what I want to know! + +_Matt._ Who is Miss Smithson? + +_Dolly._ Surely you remember that lanky girl---- + +_Harry._ Miss Smithson is not lanky---- + +_Dolly._ Not lanky? Not lanky?! You can't have any eyes----! + +_Harry._ That's what I've often thought---- + +_Dolly._ [_Explodes._] Oh! Oh! Dad! + +_Matt._ Come, Harry, let's clear this up. [_Suddenly._] Smithson? Oh +yes! The girl who sat on your left at your dinner party---- + +_Dolly._ That's the one! + +_Matt._ I should call her a trifle lanky, Harry. + +_Dolly._ A trifle? Well, never mind! You remember that dinner party---- + +_Matt._ [_Cautiously._] Ye-es. + +_Dolly._ You remember how she waited for a lull in the talk, and then +she said with that silly, simpering, appealing look---- + +_Harry._ Miss Smithson's look is not silly or simpering. + +_Dolly._ Well, it's appealing, isn't it? + +_Harry._ [_With a little chuckle._] Oh, yes, it's appealing. + +_Dolly._ [_Enraged._] Oh! Dad! + +_Matt._ [_Quiets her._] Shush!--What did she say? + +_Dolly._ She said with a very marked glance at me, "My dress allowance +is a hundred and twenty a year, and I don't understand how any +reasonable woman can wish for more!" What do you think of that? + +_Matt._ Well, if she did say that, and if she glanced at you, it---- + +_Dolly._ Yes? + +_Matt._ It wasn't very nice of her. + +_Dolly._ Nice? It was an insult! A direct, intentional, abominable +insult, wasn't it? + +_Matt._ Yes, yes, decidedly, under the circumstances---- + +_Dolly._ And Harry ought to have resented it? + +_Matt._ At his own dinner table he couldn't, could he? + +_Dolly._ Yes! At least, if he couldn't resent it, he ought to have +_shown_ that he resented it. Instead of that, he actually asked her to +give me a few lessons in economy! + +_Harry._ I did not! + +_Dolly._ Pardon me, you did! Me! his wife! Lessons in economy! + +_Harry._ And a thundering good thing if she had given you a few before +you ran up these bills! + + [_Dashes his hand on to the bills._ + +_Dolly._ There! You hear?! + +_Matt._ Come, Harry, you oughtn't to have asked another woman to give +your wife lessons in economy. + +_Harry._ I didn't! + +_Dolly._ Dad! You were there---- + +_Matt._ Yes, but I don't quite remember---- + +_Dolly._ You don't remember?! Surely you can remember a simple thing +like that when your own daughter tells you it was so! + +_Matt._ Now, Harry, what did you really say to Miss Smithson? + +_Harry._ I said she might give _some_ women a lesson in economy. + +_Matt._ Not meaning Dolly? + + [_Giving him a wink to say "No."_ + +_Harry._ No-o. + +_Dolly._ Then whom did he mean? Lessons in economy? Whom _could_ he mean +if he didn't mean me? + +_Harry._ Just so! + +_Dolly._ Ah! There! You see, he owns it! + +_Matt._ No, no, I'm sure he doesn't mean it! Did you, Harry? + + [_Winking at_ HARRY. + +_Dolly._ Then will he please say what he really does mean? + +_Matt._ Now, Harry, what do you really mean? + +_Harry._ Well, you remember that night of the dinner party at +Folkestone. + +_Matt._ [_Cautiously._] Ye-es. + +_Harry._ After they'd all gone you and I went into the smoking-room, +didn't we? + +_Matt._ [_Cautiously._] Ye-es. + +_Harry._ And you said, "Doll's in one of her high gales again!" + +_Dolly._ High gales?! [_Indignant._] Father! You didn't say that? + +_Matt._ No, no, my dear---- + +_Harry._ Excuse me, those were your exact words. High gales! + +_Matt._ I don't remember. + +_Dolly._ No, you don't remember anything. + +_Harry._ You said, "What on earth was up between her and Miss Smithson +at dinner?" + +_Dolly._ You see! That proves exactly what I said! + +_Harry._ No, by Jove, it proves that your father noticed what a +confounded, cussed---- + +_Dolly._ Go on! Go on! Say it! + +_Matt._ Shush! Shush! Well, Harry, what did you say? + +_Harry._ Well, not wishing to give Dolly away---- + +_Dolly._ Ha! ha! Not wishing to give me away! + +_Harry._ Not then! But, by Jove, if any decent chap were to come along +now---- + +_Dolly._ [_Exploding._] There! There! [_To_ MATT.] And you sit there and +hear my own husband insult me in my own house! + +_Matt._ No! No! + +_Dolly._ But there you sit! There you sit! + +_Matt._ [_Jumps up fiercely._] Now, Harry! + +_Harry._ [_Fiercely._] Well, now, Mr. Barron---- + +_Dolly._ Why don't you defend me? Why don't you demand an apology? + +_Matt._ What for? + +_Dolly._ For everything! For to-night! For that night at Folkestone! + +_Harry._ That night at Folkestone! Why, your father was quite on my +side---- + +_Matt._ What? + +_Dolly._ He wasn't; were you, Dad? + +_Matt._ No--no. + +_Harry._ What? [_Fiercely._] Do you remember exactly what passed between +us in the smoking-room, Mr. Barron? + +_Matt._ No. + +_Harry._ Then I'll tell you---- + +_Matt._ [_Retreating towards door._] No--no--I don't want to know---- + +_Harry._ [_Following him up, shouting a little._] You said, "I know what +she's like in her high gales! I remember what the little devil was like +at home." + +_Dolly._ [_Pursuing him up to door._] Father! You didn't say that! + +_Matt._ No--no, my darling--quite a mistake--quite a mistake--altogether +a mistake. + + [_Gets thankfully off at back._ + +_Dolly._ [_Calls after him._] Then why don't you stay and tell him so! + +_Harry._ [_Shouts after_ MATT.] It's not a mistake! + +_Dolly._ [_Calls after_ MATT.] It's cowardly of you to leave me here to +be insulted. + +_Harry._ [_Goes up to door, shouts._] It's not a mistake! You patted me +on the back and said, "Poor chap! Poor chap!" You know you did! [_Closes +the door, comes fiercely down to_ DOLLY.] It's not a mistake! He could +see you had insulted Miss Smithson. + +_Dolly._ I had not insulted her! I was far too civil to her, considering +that the next evening you took her out on the Leas, when you ought to +have been at billiards---- + +_Harry._ I took her out on the Leas! + +_Dolly._ Yes! You weren't in the billiard-room! So where were you? Where +were you? + +_Harry._ I jolly well don't know, and I--I---- + +_Dolly._ Say it! Say it! + +_Harry._ I damned well don't care! + +_Dolly._ Ah! + + [_She seizes the box, brings it up to him, puts it irritatingly in + front of him; he seizes it, they struggle for it, trying to take + it out of each other's hands; she screams, he tries to get it; + there is a scuffle round the room; he tries to rub her knuckles; + she makes a little feint to bite him; in the struggle the box drops + on the floor a little below the table, right._ + +_Dolly._ Jobling! Jobling! Jobling! + +_Harry._ Now, madam, for the last time, have I all your bills? + +_Dolly._ Jobling! Jobling! Jobling! + +_Harry._ Have I all your bills? + +_Dolly._ Jobling! Jobling! Jobling! + +_Harry._ Once more, madam, have I all your bills? + +_Dolly._ No, you haven't! + +_Harry._ Then please hand them over to me this instant, so that I may +take proceedings. + +_Dolly._ [_Laughing._] Proceedings! Ha! Take your proceedings! + +_Harry._ By Jove! I will take proceedings. + +_Dolly._ Take them! Take them! + +_Harry._ [_Walking about furiously with the bills._] So this is the way +the money goes! [_Banging the bills._] While I have to smoke twopenny +cigars! And can't get a decent dinner! + +_Dolly._ You can't get a decent dinner? + +_Harry._ No! Look at those messes last night. They weren't fit for a +cook-shop. + +_Dolly._ Oh! Oh! Oh! Get a housekeeper! Get a housekeeper! + +_Harry._ By Jove! that's what I mean to do! + +_Dolly._ Have Miss Smithson! Send for her to-morrow morning! I'll hand +her over the keys! + +_Harry._ [_Shouting._] And please hand me over the rest of your bills! +The rest of your bills, madam! + + [DOLLY _marches up to the desk._ + + MATT _appears at door in dressing-gown._ + +_Matt._ I can't get a wink of sleep---- + + [DOLLY _takes out about twenty more bills._ + +_Harry._ I insist on seeing the whole lot! So there! + +_Dolly._ [_Flourishing the bills, strewing them on the floor._] Well +there! And there! And there! And there! Now you've got the whole lot! +And I hope you're satisfied. I'm going into Renie's room! [_Exit._ + +_Harry._ I insist on your going through these bills---- + + [_Following her off. Their voices are heard retreating upstairs_, + DOLLY _saying_, "go through the bills! Send for Miss Smithson! Have + her here to-morrow morning! Take your proceedings," HARRY _saying_, + "I insist on going through the bills to-night! Do you hear, madam, + I insist! Will you come down and go through these bills," etc. + +_Matt._ [_Listens, as their voices die away. When the voices have +ceased, he surveys the scene._] We're making a splendid start for the +New Year! + + [_Sees the box on the floor, picks it up, carefully places it on + table and goes off._ + + +CURTAIN. + + + + +(_A year passes between Acts III and IV._) + +ACT IV. + + +SCENE: _The same._ + +TIME: _Afternoon of January 1st, 1908._ + + _Enter_ LUCAS, _followed by_ CRIDDLE. LUCAS _has his left + collar-bone broken, and his arm is strapped across his breast; his + coat is buttoned loosely over the arm, the left sleeve hanging + down._ + +_Lucas._ They've gone to meet me? + +_Criddle._ Yes, sir. + +_Lucas._ By the road? + +_Criddle._ Yes, sir. + +_Lucas._ That's how I've missed them. My car broke down the other side +of the clump, and so I walked over the fields. + +_Criddle._ Yes, sir. I beg pardon, I hope the arm isn't serious. + +_Lucas._ No, Criddle. Just serious enough to get me a couple of months' +leave, so that I could spend the New Year in England. + +_Criddle._ You had it very hot in India, I suppose, sir? + +_Lucas._ Blazing! + +_Criddle._ We've got the same old weather here, you see, sir. + +_Lucas._ Same old weather! Had any visitors for Christmas, Criddle? + +_Criddle._ Mr. Barron, of course, and Professor and Mrs. Sturgess. + +_Lucas._ Same old visitors--same visitors, I should say. Mr. Pilcher +still Vicar here, I suppose? + +_Criddle._ Yes, sir. He gave us a wonderful sermon at the old year's +service last night. + +_Lucas._ Same old sermon! + +_Criddle._ No, sir. Not exactly the same sermon, though it had similar +points to last year. Ah! You came over for the old year's service last +year? + +_Lucas._ Yes, and a rattling good sermon it was! + +_Criddle._ Very powerful and persuading, wasn't it, sir? It even touched +me up a bit. + +_Lucas._ In what way, Criddle? + +_Criddle._ I used to have my ten bob on any horse as I fancied, but I +never put a farthing on anything--not even on Sulky Susan for the Oaks. + +_Lucas._ You didn't? + +_Criddle._ No, and thank God, in a manner of speaking, that I didn't, +for she never pulled it off. I owe that to Mr. Pilcher. No, I never +touched a thing till the Leger. That reminds me---- + +_Lucas._ What, Criddle? + +_Criddle._ Why, last year, after Mr. Pilcher's sermon, the master had a +collecting box, and when he found himself going a bit off the straight +he used to put in a shilling or half-a-crown for Mr. Pilcher's blanket +fund---- + +_Lucas._ Yes, of course! And Uncle Matt promised him a sovereign for +each of us if we had carried out our good resolutions. Is that coming +off, Criddle? + +_Criddle._ I expect it is, sir. Mr. Pilcher is coming here this +afternoon, and the master told me to be sure and find the box before he +gets here. + +_Lucas._ Find the box? + +_Criddle._ Nobody has seen anything of it for some months. Excuse me, +sir, I must look for it. + + [_Exit_ CRIDDLE. + + LUCAS _takes out letter from an unsealed envelope, glances through + it, sits at table, takes out pencil, adds a short note, puts letter + in envelope, seals it up, puts it in his tail pocket, goes to + conservatory, looks in._ RENIE _enters at door behind him. She + starts, as he turns round._ + +_Renie._ [_In a whisper._] You're here already? + +_Lucas._ Yes---- + +_Renie._ Your wound? + +_Lucas._ Much better. Nearly well. + +_Renie._ I'm so glad---- + +_Lucas._ I'm not. I shall have to cut it back to India directly. Why +didn't you answer my last letter? + +_Renie._ I did--and tore it up. + +_Lucas._ Tore it up? + +_Renie._ What's the use? I told you last year we could never be anything +to each other! + +_Lucas._ But you didn't mean it? + + [_He seizes her hand and kisses it several times._ + +_Renie._ [_Feebly attempting to withdraw it._] Yes--yes, I did. Hush! + +_Lucas._ I want you to read this. [_Shows her the letter._ + +_Matt._ [_Heard through the door which is open a few inches._] Have you +found the box, Criddle? + +_Criddle._ No, sir. I've hunted everywhere. + +_Matt._ Have another look. We must have it ready for Mr. Pilcher. + + MATT _enters. Meantime_ RENIE _has crept to upper conservatory door + and gone off signing to_ LUCAS _to keep silence. He has taken the + letter out of his pocket and held it up for her to see, putting it + back before_ MATT _enters._ + +_Matt._ Ah, Lucas. So you've got here. Happy New Year! + +_Lucas._ Happy New Year, Uncle Matt. + + [_Cordially shaking hands._ + +_Matt._ Glad to see you back in England. + +_Lucas._ Glad to be back! + +_Matt._ How's the arm? + +_Lucas._ Splendid--nearly well. Dolly and Harry all right? + +_Matt._ First rate. They'll be here directly. + +_Lucas._ The Sturgesses are here again, Criddle tells me. + +_Matt._ Ye-es. + +_Lucas._ Gray matter still going strong? + +_Matt._ Booming. + +_Lucas._ How's Mrs. Sturgess? + +_Matt._ As usual, a little inclined to flop about and play act---- + +_Lucas._ Yes. Jolly good-looking woman though, eh? + +_Matt._ Very. Lucas---- + +_Lucas._ Well? + +_Matt._ You're quite cured, eh? + +_Lucas._ Cured? + +_Matt._ Of your infatuation for her. + +_Lucas._ Infatuation? Well, I admired her, and perhaps it was lucky I +was ordered out to India---- + +_Matt._ I managed that for you, my boy. + +_Lucas._ You did!? + +_Matt._ Sir John wanted a smart A.D.C., so I drove over to Aldershot, +urged your claims, and got you the appointment. + +_Lucas._ So that was why I was packed off. It was you who---- + +_Matt._ Aren't you thankful I did? + +_Lucas._ Yes, much obliged to you, much obliged! + +_Matt._ So you ought to be. And so's the lady. + +_Lucas._ Is she? + +_Matt._ Yes. When we got your wire yesterday saying you'd motor down +to-day, Dolly had a long talk with her, and the result was she thanked +Dolly and me for getting you out of the way and saving her from you. + +_Lucas._ Did she? + +_Matt._ Yes, for twenty minutes. She kissed Dolly, and I think she would +have kissed me, only I didn't feel myself quite worthy. + +_Lucas._ Oh, so that's all settled! + +_Matt._ That's all settled. At least, let's hope so. + +_Lucas._ What do you mean? + +_Matt._ Well, you won't come---- + +_Lucas._ What? + +_Matt._ The same old game. + +_Lucas._ What same old game? + +_Matt._ Why, _the_ same old game! + +_Lucas._ You must be judging me by yourself, when you were young. + +_Matt._ My dear boy, that's just what I am doing. Lucas, there's not +going to be any repetition---- + +_Lucas._ No--no. + +_Matt._ Because it isn't the right thing to do, is it? + +_Lucas._ No. + +_Matt._ Very well then, don't do it! + +_Lucas._ I won't! [_Listening._] Ah! [DOLLY _and_ HARRY'S _voices heard +in hall_] Dolly and Harry! + + DOLLY _and_ HARRY _enter very lovingly._ + +_Lucas._ Hillo, Doll, old girl! Happy New Year! + +_Dolly._ Happy New Year, Lu! + +_Lucas._ Harry, old brick, how goes it? + +_Harry._ Splendid! + +_Lucas._ Happy New Year! + +_Harry._ Happy New Year! [_Looking lovingly at_ DOLLY.] By Jove, Doll, +you can foot it. [_To_ LUCAS.] Doll and I have just raced up from the +farm. She licked me! bless her! + +_Dolly._ Yes, because you encouraged me! + +_Harry._ [_Looking at her lovingly and admiringly, kisses her +heartily._] There aren't many things this little woman can't do. + +_Dolly._ When you encourage me! + +_Harry._ Oh, I'll encourage you! + + [_He again kisses her heartily._ + +_Harry._ Well, Lu, old boy, glad to see you home again. Arm pretty bad? + +_Lucas._ No, nearly well, unfortunately. + +_Dolly._ Down for the day? + +_Lucas._ Well, now my car has broken down, I was wondering if you'd put +me up---- + +_Dolly._ [_Firmly._] No. We shall be pleased for you to stay to dinner. + +_Harry._ There's the spare room, Doll. + +_Dolly._ [_Firmly._] No. That may be wanted for Renie or myself. + +_Harry._ [_Half aside to her._] I say, not for you, old girl! + +_Lucas._ Oh, well, I shall have to get a shake-down at the Red Lion. + + _Enter_ RENIE _at back, still in outdoor clothes._ + +_Renie._ [_Feigning a little surprise._] Captain Wentworth! A happy New +Year! + +_Lucas._ Happy New Year, Mrs. Sturgess. + + [_Shaking hands._ + +_Renie._ So sorry to hear of your wound! + +_Lucas._ Oh, it's healed, thank you. + +_Renie._ I'm so glad. Shall you be making a long stay in England? + +_Lucas._ I fear only a few days longer. + +_Renie._ I'm sorry your visit will be so short. + + CRIDDLE _enters triumphantly with the hospital box which is + very mouldy and dusty--he has also duster in his hand._ + +_Criddle._ I've found him, sir-- + +_Matt._ Rather mouldy, eh? + +_Criddle._ Oh, we'll soon put that to rights, sir. + + [_Begins to dust the box carefully._ + +_Matt._ Looks well for your household discipline here, Harry. + +_Harry._ How? + +_Matt._ You've had no occasion to use him lately. + +_Criddle._ [_Displaying the box, having carefully dusted it._] There he +is, sir, Hospital for Incurables! Nearly as good as new. + +_Matt._ Where did you find him? + +_Criddle._ In the wine-cellar, of all places! I was getting out a bottle +of the sixty-eight port for New Year's night, and happening to put my +hand behind, there he was! + +_Harry._ [_Has a sudden gesture of remembrance._] Yes, I remember! + +_Matt._ What should incurables be doing in the wine-cellar? [_Holds out +his hand to_ CRIDDLE _for the box._ CRIDDLE, _who has been holding it +carefully, gives it to_ MATT. _Exit_ CRIDDLE. MATT _gives the box a +shake. It rattles as if half full of coins. He shakes it again, more +violently; it rattles again._] Internal organs sound healthy. How did he +get into the wine-cellar, Harry? + +_Harry._ Well, Dolly and I had been having a little tiff one +morning--nothing serious---- + +_Matt._ No. When was that? + +_Harry._ March, wasn't it? + +_Dolly._ May, I think---- + +_Harry._ No, it wasn't that one--Well, never mind, I got so riled at +Dolly always poking this box in front of me whenever I happened to--so I +thought the wine-cellar would be the safest place for it. + +_Matt._ [_Gives it another rattle._] Well, here he is, turned up just at +the right moment! And here you all are, Dolly, Harry, Lucas, Mrs. +Sturgess--all clamouring for me to redeem my promise and put in a +sovereign for each of you. + + CRIDDLE _appears at door announcing_ MR. PILCHER. PILCHER _enters + with four oblong brown paper parcels of equal size. Exit_ + CRIDDLE. + +_Pilcher._ Happy New Year to you all! Excuse me. [_Depositing his +parcels._] My New Year's gifts to a few of my parishioners! + +_Dolly._ New Year's gifts! + +_Pilcher._ To those who need them. [_Shaking hands with her._] Happy New +Year, Mr. Barron! + + [_Shaking hands._ + +_Matt._ Happy New Year! + +_Pilcher._ How do this morning, Telfer! [HARRY _nods._] My dear Mrs. +Sturgess! [_Shaking hands._ + +_Renie._ Happy New Year! What a lovely sermon you gave us again last +night! + +_Pilcher._ Lovely! Well, say healthy, bracing. + +_Harry._ A jolly good rouser again. Made me feel--well---- + + [_Gives himself a shake._ + +_Pilcher._ Ah, Captain Wentworth, happy New Year! + +_Lucas._ [_Shaking hands._] Happy New Year! + +_Pilcher._ I heard you were wounded---- + +_Lucas._ Oh, that's done with. + +_Matt._ We were just talking about our New Year's inquest---- + +_Pilcher._ Inquest?! + +_Matt._ Into the characters of Dolly and Harry and---- + + [_Glancing at_ RENIE _and_ LUCAS. + +_Dolly._ Oh, please don't talk about inquests. Nobody's character is +dead here. + +_Matt._ I hope not! We shall see---- + +_Lucas._ Uncle, you don't really mean---- + +_Matt._ It was a bona fide bargain on my side, but if you wish to avoid +any awkward little exposures, or if Mr. Pilcher will kindly waive his +claims to my contributions---- + +_Pilcher._ I'm afraid I can't. I have come here for the express purpose +of bearing away my trophy--Ah! [_Seeing box on table, takes it, gives it +a shake; his features assume a pleasant smile._] It seems to have proved +a very wholesome household regulator. + +_Harry._ Yes, by Jove! It hadn't been in the house twenty-four hours +before I put in a sovereign. + +_Pilcher._ A sovereign? + +_Harry._ The first night of last year Dolly and I had a little +tiff--nothing serious--and so the next morning I made it up and--didn't +I, Dolly?---- + +_Dolly._ You did! And paid my bills like a lamb, you dear! + +_Pilcher._ And put in a sovereign? [_Rattles the box again._] I won't +say "Don't have any more household tiffs," but I will say "Don't omit to +liquidate them." [_Gives the box another rattle._] The box must have +been in pretty constant use since---- + +_Harry._ Ye-es. + + PROFESSOR STURGESS _enters at back, with the proofs of his book + in his hand._ + +_Prof._ How do you do? + +_Pilcher._ [_Has put down box._] How do you do? [_Shaking hands._] Happy +New Year! + +_Prof._ Happy New Year to you! [_To_ LUCAS.] How d'ye do? + +_Lucas._ First rate. Happy New Year! + + [_Shaking hands._ + +_Prof._ Thank you. An accident? + +_Lucas._ Bit of one. Getting over it. + +_Prof._ If I might recommend the constant use of Pableine. + +_Lucas._ Oh, thanks, it's quite well---- + +_Prof._ Try Pableine. It's a wonderful restorative. I'm intruding---- + + [_Looking round._ + +_Pilcher._ Not at all. We were just about to settle the question Mr. +Barron raised last New Year's day---- + +_Prof._ Oh, yes; I remember! Curiously enough I have only this morning +received the proofs of my new volume, "Free Will, the Illusion." + + [_Showing the proofs to_ PILCHER. + +_Pilcher._ Very interesting. I should like to discuss the matter with +you, but [_taking out watch_] I have so many New Year's calls to make. +[_Looking at_ MATT.] Perhaps we ought to get on with the--a---- + +_Matt._ Inquest. + +_Pilcher._ Vindication. + +_Matt._ [_Accepting the correction._] Vindication. + +_Prof._ I may perhaps be allowed to point out that Mr. Barron's novel +and humorous experiment can in no sense be said to settle, or even to +touch, the question of Free Will, which as I have proved here depends +upon---- [_Again offering the proof._ + +_Pilcher._ I should like to look through those sheets, but---- + + [_Glancing at_ MATT. + +_Prof._ You shall! I have put the whole argument into the concrete case +of Sarah Mumford---- + +_Pilcher._ Sarah Mumford? + +_Prof._ The baby farmer---- + +_Matt._ Sarah's gray matter gone watery? + +_Prof._ Not watery, but she had a yellow effusion---- + +_Matt._ I suppose that's just as bad? + +_Prof._ Quite. + +_Matt._ What did they do with her? + +_Prof._ They hanged her. They then discovered extensive lesions and this +yellow effusion---- + +_Matt._ Pity they didn't discover that before they hanged her. + +_Prof._ My exact point! Where is the justice of punishing a woman whose +gray matter functions perversely? It is nothing short of a crime. + +_Dolly._ But she had suffocated five dear little babies? + +_Matt._ How could she avoid suffocating babies if she had a yellow +effusion in her brain? + +_Prof._ Precisely my argument---- + + [_Puts his proofs into_ MATT'S _hands. Points out a passage_. MATT, _a + little embarrassed, takes them, looks through them._] + +_Prof._ The point I wish to establish is this. While we all allow that +extensive or recognizable diseases of, or injuries to, the brain, free a +man from responsibility and punishment, how can we logically mete out +blame or praise, punishment or reward to our ordinary acts, thoughts, +and impulses, seeing that all our acts, thoughts, and impulses, good or +bad, virtuous or criminal, are equally the mere expressions of certain +inevitable physical changes in the brain, the mere register on the dial +plate of consciousness of necessary predetermined complications in the +working of certain atoms of the gray matter of our cortex? + +_Matt._ Quite so! Quite so! [DOLLY _is about to speak, but_ MATT _hushes +her down with a warning look and sign._] The Professor wants to say with +Socrates that no man would be such a fool as to do wrong, if he could +possibly help it. + +_Prof._ Well, if you like to put it that way---- + +_Pilcher._ And now perhaps we might proceed. Can you remember the exact +terms, Mr. Barron? + +_Matt._ I am to pay a sovereign for everyone of your hearers who has so +far benefited by the wise admonitions of your last year's sermon as to +have broken off his bad habits, or some especial bad habit---- + +_Lucas._ We aren't bound to say what the habit is that we've broken +off? + +_Matt._ I don't wish to be inquisitive, but if you don't mention the +particular bad habit, you will have to give me your word of honor that +you've conquered it. [_Putting down proofs on table, taking up the +money-box, giving it a shake._] Now, who will be first to step into the +confessional? [_Looking round._ + +_Dolly._ I will. As I've nothing to confess. + +_Matt._ Nothing? + +_Dolly._ No. I had what some husbands might think a bad habit, but---- + +_Harry._ No bills this Christmas, eh, Doll? + +_Dolly._ No. + +_Harry._ You're sure now, my darling? + +_Dolly._ None of any importance. + +_Harry._ What do you mean of any importance? + +_Dolly._ Well, you must have some bills--they grow up before you +know--such as Doctors' bills--you can't settle them all on the spur of +the moment, but I've nothing--nothing of importance. So please put in +your sovereign for me, Dad, and look pleasant about it. + +_Matt._ You declare upon your word of honor that you have broken off +your bad habit of running up bills? + +_Dolly._ Yes. + +_Matt._ Entirely? + +_Dolly._ Yes. You said you wouldn't be inquisitive. + +_Matt._ Yes, but---- + +_Pilcher._ Mrs. Telfer has given her word. I think I may claim one +victory for free will, [_nodding victoriously at the_ PROFESSOR _who +shakes his head_], and one sovereign for the Blanket Club. + +_Matt._ Hum! [_Draws a sovereign out of his pocket and very reluctantly +drops it into the box, shakes his head at_ DOLLY _who looks a little +uncomfortable._] Who volunteers next? + +_Renie._ I do. No--I'll wait a little--I want to make sure that I am +perfectly honest with myself and with everybody. + +_Matt._ That perhaps may need a little consideration, Lucas? + +_Lucas._ Oh, let Harry have his doing first! + +_Matt._ Now, Harry! + +_Harry._ Oh, well, here goes! I'm going to make a clean breast. The fact +is I've made a thundering mess of it. + +_Matt._ Ah! + +_Harry._ I did begin all right except for a little tiff with Dolly--and +then I kept on pretty well for some time, and then--well I don't know--I +seemed to go all to pieces and--[MATT _rattles the money-box._] However, +better luck this year. + +_Pilcher._ Shall we say a little more resolution? + +_Harry._ Oh, I mean to pull myself together this year. + +_Matt._ Perhaps you tried too much reforming, Harry--too many irons in +the fire, eh? + +_Harry._ Well, it's jolly hard to keep it up. And I'd got pretty slack +till you woke us up last night--I say, that was a rouser again. + +_Pilcher._ It wasn't a very bad sermon, was it? Well now for the +next year shall we make one especial effort in one especial +direction--Say---- + +_Dolly._ Temper, eh, Harry? + +_Harry._ Right, old girl! Oh, I mean it. + +_Matt._ No victory for free will, and the Blanket Club, this time. Game +and game, eh? Now which of you two---- + + [_Looking at_ RENIE _and_ LUCAS. + +_Renie._ I'll be your first victim. [_Coming into the middle of the +room, and posing._] It's so strange that what you started as a jest---- + +_Matt._ Oh no, in deadly earnest I assure you. + +_Renie._ In this life who knows what is jest and what is earnest? The +least little innocent thing may turn to a tragedy in a moment---- + +_Matt._ Surely you haven't had any little tragedies? + +_Renie._ No, last year a mere little circumstance might have turned to a +tragedy--honestly I wasn't to blame, but perhaps I was a little +careless, and two dear friends came to me with their counsel, and what +might have been a tragedy was turned to a comedy, thanks to those two +dear friends! + +_Prof._ My dear, may I ask "what circumstance" you are alluding to? + +_Matt._ We said we wouldn't be inquisitive---- + +_Prof._ No, but I cannot recall anything in my wife's life during the +last twelve months that even approached a tragedy---- + +_Renie._ I said the affair was quite unimportant---- + +_Prof._ Then I wish, my dear, you wouldn't magnify everything, and I +wish you would read solid scientific works in place of rubbishy French +novels--and above all, take a little more regular exercise! + +_Matt._ Perhaps Mrs. Sturgess may consider that little point during the +coming year. Meantime, [_To_ RENIE] may we be confident your little +tragedy is ended---- + +_Renie._ Oh yes, quite. + +_Matt._ We needn't ask its nature, but you give us your word of honor? + + [_Looks at her very searchingly and speaking seriously._] + +_Renie._ Yes, my word of honor. + +_Matt._ Thank you. + +_Pilcher._ Another victory. + +_Matt._ [_Looks searchingly at her, drops a sovereign in the box._] +Lucas? + +_Lucas._ [_Coming cheerfully forward._] My turn for the thumbscrew! + +_Matt._ You seem very cheerful about it. + +_Lucas._ Yes, I'm going to make a jolly good show. + +_Matt._ What particular bad habit have you conquered during the past +year? + +_Lucas._ I don't know that I've conquered any one in particular, but +I've had a regular good go in all round, so altogether I can pat myself +on the back. + +_Matt._ But I want to know one particular habit conquered--for instance, +you weren't very careful what ladies you made love to, or how many of +them at the same time---- + +_Lucas._ I say, Uncle Matt, drop this---- + +_Matt._ And a year or two ago you went just a little bit off the +straight---- + +_Lucas._ Oh no I didn't. + +_Matt._ I want to know---- + +_Lucas._ Thank you, no more thumbscrew. I'm out of this before it goes +any further. + +_Matt._ It isn't going any further. [_Putting his hand on_ LUCAS'S +_shoulder._] Give me your word of honor---- + +_Lucas._ That's all very well, it wasn't a very bad case, and I don't +think you should have brought it up. But as you have--well, I did meet a +lady, and I was very much attracted to her, but I summoned all my +resolution, and there the matter ended. + +_Pilcher._ I think I may claim a victory here. + +_Lucas._ So please put in your sovereign. + +_Matt._ [_Very seriously._] If you will give me your word of honor that +you have absolutely broken off---- + +_Lucas._ Yes, yes, of course I have. + + [MATT _puts in a sovereign, hands the box to_ PILCHER. + +_Pilcher._ Three victories and one draw out of four. Most satisfactory. +[_Taking out watch._] I must hurry off to the White House and see what +they're doing there. [_Rattling the box._] Excellent results! So +excellent that I think I'm justified in making you a little New Year's +gift. + + [_Going to his heap of brown-paper parcels._ + +_Dolly._ A New Year's gift! How kind of you! To me? + +_Pilcher._ [_Opening his parcel._] To you and your husband. To your +husband in particular, because, although he may have fallen a little +short of perfection during the last year--like some of the rest of +us--yet I feel sure that during this coming year--[_They have all been +watching him curiously; he has now opened the parcel and displays a very +bright brand new collecting box, with Crookbury Blanket Club painted on +it, in large letters. It is much larger than the hospital box._] My +household regulator! [_Giving it to_ DOLLY. + +_Dolly._ [_Who has shown considerable disappointment on the opening of +the parcel._] Crookbury Blanket Club! Thank you so much, for Harry's +sake. Harry! For you, dear. + + [_She gives the box to_ HARRY, _who places it on the same table._] + +_Dolly._ You call it the household regulator? + +_Pilcher._ Yes--I have suggested it to several of my brethren. Oh, its +use will become very general throughout the diocese. + +_Dolly._ You think it will work well? + +_Pilcher._ It cannot fail. A box of this character--larger or smaller, +according to the size of the family and their behaviour is left at each +house on the first of the year. All little failings, peccadilloes, and +asperities are strictly fined. The inevitable result is that either the +family behaviour improves, or the parish charities benefit. I'm starting +its operation in my parish to-day. Forgive any inexcusable rudeness in +leaving the first box with you. I must hurry off! [_Shaking hands._] +Good-bye, Professor. + +_Prof._ I should like to make that point clear with regard to free +will---- + +_Pilcher._ When you have an hour, or shall I say a year, to spare, we +might argue it out---- + +_Prof._ You're going to the White House? If I might accompany you---- + +_Pilcher._ Delighted! + + [_Shakes hands in dumb show with_ DOLLY _and_ HARRY. + +_Prof._ Renie, you've had your restless fits again. You'd better come +with us---- + +_Renie._ But I've already been walking---- + +_Prof._ My dear, this bracing country air is just what you need. Keep +out in it all the day long---- + +_Renie._ Oh, very well--the White House, and the fish-pond as usual, I +suppose? + +_Prof._ As usual. Come along. + + [_Exit._ RENIE _slightly shrugs her shoulders, very slightly + glances at_ LUCAS _and exit after_ PROFESSOR. + +_Lucas._ The dear old fish-pond! We might all take a stroll there! + +_Matt._ Good idea! The dear old fish-pond! We might all take a stroll +there! + + [_Linking his arm with_ LUCAS. + +_Lucas._ [_Suspicious, holding back._] I don't know that I care--we went +there last year---- + +_Matt._ We did! Same old game, eh? Come along. + + [_Drags_ LUCAS _off_. + +_Pilcher._ [_Has been gathering up his parcels._] Well, good-bye! +Good-bye! [_Rattles the hospital box vigorously._] Three splendid +victories for free will and moral resolution! + + [_Exit, rattling the box._ + +_Harry._ Doll, you really haven't got any bills this year? + +_Dolly._ No! no! Only the few little oddments that no woman can prevent. + +_Harry._ You might let me see the little oddments---- + +_Dolly._ I will. [_Suddenly._] Oh Harry, I quite forgot! Do forgive me! + +_Harry._ What? + +_Dolly._ I never wrote the geyser bath people! + +_Harry._ Never mind the geyser bath. + +_Dolly._ And only this morning you rowed me because I hadn't got it +ready for the New Year! Where did you put their address? + +_Harry._ I don't know! Somewhere upstairs among my papers. + +_Dolly._ [_Gently pushing him off._] I can just catch to-night's post! +Make haste and get it! Quick! There's a dear! And then we can get the +bath fixed up for you next week. + +_Harry._ Ye--es. I say, Doll, I mean to get those oddments fixed up +to-night. + + [_Taps the writing-case significantly and exit._ DOLLY _looks + frightened, sees him off, goes up to writing-desk, takes out bills, + looks at them, throws up her arms in despair, groans, slams down + the writing-desk, looks at the chair she has touched in first act, + shows great resolution, marches up and touches it._ + +_Dolly._ Yes! Yes! I have got free will. + + [_Goes back from it, again looks at it, again marches up to it, + touches it._ + +_Dolly._ Then why do I keep on having bills? + + RENIE _enters in great agitation and distress._ + +_Renie._ Oh, Dolly! + +_Dolly._ What's the matter? + +_Renie._ Oh, Dolly! + +_Dolly._ What is it? + +_Renie._ [_Throws her arms round_ DOLLY _affectionately._] You've always +been such a true friend to me---- + +_Dolly._ Yes, dear. + +_Renie._ More like a sister. And I know I may trust you now. + +_Dolly._ [_A little suspicious._] Yes. Has anything happened? + +_Renie._ Yes. Oh, Dolly---- + +_Dolly._ Tell me! + +_Renie._ As we were going out at the garden gate, Captain Wentworth held +out a letter behind his back for me to take---- + +_Dolly._ What?! + +_Renie._ But now his arm is wounded he couldn't manage it properly, and +he dropped it. I hurried to pick it up, and then my husband noticed and +insisted on reading it---- + +_Dolly._ What was in the letter? + +_Renie._ It wasn't so very bad, but my husband has chosen to jump to a +wrong conclusion, and--oh, Dolly, you can help me! + +_Dolly._ [_Coldly, relaxing her embrace._] How? + +_Renie._ If you'd only let me tell my husband that I was receiving it +for you---- + +_Dolly._ What?! + +_Renie._ There was no address, and fortunately it was so worded that it +showed that you weren't really guilty. + +_Dolly._ Oh! I wasn't really guilty? + +_Renie._ In fact, it proves your complete innocence. + +_Dolly._ I'm glad of that. + +_Renie._ Then you'll let me say it was you? + +_Dolly._ No! You can't suppose I should let my own cousin make love to +me in my own house?! + +_Renie._ You won't help me? + +_Dolly._ Yes, any way but that! How could you be so foolish? + +_Renie._ I don't know. When I heard yesterday he was coming, I quite +made up my mind I'd have nothing to say to him! Dolly, free will must be +an illusion, or else why am I always doing the things I don't mean to +do. Oh, what shall I do? + +_Dolly._ As you are completely innocent, you'd better ask your husband +to forgive you. + +_Renie._ Ye--es. No! As it is a perfectly pure and exalted attachment I +shall take that ground--at any rate at first, and see what he says. +You'll help me all you can? + +_Dolly._ Yes, but promise me you'll have nothing to do with Lucas in +future! + +_Renie._ No, indeed! if I once get out of this. + +_Dolly._ Very well! I'll see what I can do.--Hush! + + _The_ PROFESSOR _enters with a letter in his hand_, MATT _soothing + him._ + +_Prof._ [_Very angry._] Not a word more, if you please. Mrs. Telfer, you +have doubtless heard---- + +_Dolly._ Yes----? + +_Prof._ I leave for London to-night-to consult my lawyer. Mrs. Sturgess +will, I trust, return to her friends until---- + +_Matt._ Perhaps Mrs. Sturgess may be able to explain---- + +_Prof._ What explanation can be offered of language like this. [_Reading +from letter._] "From the first moment I saw you, I felt that you were +entirely different from any woman I have ever met----" A monstrously +inexact statement to start with. And a woman who is capable of +practising such deceit---- + + [RENIE _bursts into tears_. + +_Matt._ I think you ought to hear what Mrs. Sturgess has to say---- + +_Renie._ [_Through her tears._] What would be the use? With such a +nature as his he could never begin to understand the loyal and exalted +devotion which Captain Wentworth feels for me! No, all my life I have +been misunderstood, misjudged, condemned! Let it be so till the end! +Dolly, come and help me pack! + + [_Exit_. MATT _goes up to table and takes up proofs of_ PROFESSOR'S + _book and looks through them._ + +_Dolly._ You're really too severe with poor Renie---- + +_Prof._ I am not severe. I simply register the inevitable sentence of +the husband upon the wife who misconducts herself! + +_Dolly._ Misconducts herself! She has merely had a little harmless +flirtation---- + +_Prof._ In my wife a flirtation of this character [_pointing to letter +in his hand_] constitutes grave misconduct. + +_Dolly._ But that's perfectly ridiculous! Why it might happen to any +woman! Dad, explain to him---- + +_Matt._ Professor, you're taking altogether a wrong view of this. Now +this case you were pointing out to me in your own book [_pointing to +proofs_]--Number forty-nine, Mrs. Copway. Remarkably handsome woman +too!--[_reading_] "The injustice and cruelty of condemning this poor +lady must be apparent to all." My dear Professor, before publishing this +book you'll have to modify your theory. + +_Prof._ I cannot modify my theory. I have spent ten years in collecting +facts which prove it. + +_Matt._ Then, pardon me, you must really look over Mrs. Sturgess's +little indiscretion. + +_Prof._ That is equally impossible---- + +_Matt._ But you say that her action in receiving my nephew's letter was +entirely due to the activity of certain atoms in the gray matter of her +brain. + +_Prof._ Undoubtedly that is so. + +_Dolly._ Very well then, if her gray matter keeps on working wrong, +what's the use of blaming her? You say yourself there's no such thing as +free will---- + +_Prof._ Precisely, but I have always allowed that in the present low +moral and intellectual condition of the herd of mankind, free will is a +plausible working hypothesis. + +_Dolly._ But it doesn't work! Free will won't work at all! Look at my +own case! Do you suppose I should go on all my life having bills if I +could help myself? [_Catching_ MATT'S _eye, who looks at her gravely and +holds up his finger._] Never mind my bills! Do make him see how wrong +and absurd it is to punish poor Renie when there's no such thing as free +will! + +_Matt._ Dolly's right! She's only saying what you have so admirably laid +down here. My dear Professor, you cannot possibly publish this book! + +_Prof._ But it has been announced! I must publish it. + +_Matt._ You cannot. Read that. [_Giving the_ PROFESSOR _the book and +pointing out passage._] Surely after that you cannot condemn Mrs. +Sturgess. + +_Prof._ [_Taking book, glancing at the passage._] Really, it's most +annoying when one's own wife upsets---- + +_Matt._ Oh! they're always making hay of our theories one way or the +other. + +_Prof._ Of course, if one presses the matter home to first +principles---- + +_Dolly._ Yes! Yes! Well, why not act on your own first principles! You +ought to be very sorry for poor Renie, considering all she has suffered. + +_Prof._ Suffered? + +_Dolly._ Yes, poor dear! You don't know what an awful struggle she has +gone through between this unfortunate flirtation and her admiration for +you. + +_Prof._ Her admiration for me! + +_Dolly._ Yes! She always speaks of you as her great protagonist of +science. + +_Prof._ [_Mollified._] Does she? Does she? + +_Dolly._ Yes. If I were you I should go upstairs, and be very sweet to +her, and above all don't reproach her. We women can endure anything +except reproaches---- + +_Prof._ [_Looking at his proofs._] I must publish my book. And after +all, as you say, it is useless to blame them for acting according to +the---- + +_Matt._ The dictates of their gray matter when, bless them, they can't +help themselves. My dear Professor, instead of condemning your wife you +ought to be condoling with her, and doing all you can to get her gray +matter into a healthy condition. + +_Prof._ I will hear what she has to say. + +_Dolly._ No. Go straight to her and forgive her, and then I'm sure her +gray matter will soon be all right. And what a triumph that will be for +you! + +_Prof._ It does offer a way out of the difficulty. In any case I must +publish my book. [_Exit._ + +_Dolly._ Dad, I won't have her here next Christmas. + +_Matt._ No, my dear, I wouldn't. + +_Dolly._ That wretched Lucas! + +_Matt._ What is to be done with him? + +_Dolly._ Pack him off! Pack him off at once! + + [LUCAS _cautiously looks in from upper conservatory door._ + +_Lucas._ I say, how's the old bird seem to take it? + +_Dolly._ Old bird! + +_Lucas._ He isn't going to make a shindy over a trifle like this? + +_Dolly._ Trifle! He's threatening to divorce her and expose you! + +_Lucas._ You don't say so. I'm awfully sorry! + +_Dolly._ Sorry! + +_Lucas._ I am, indeed! And any reparation I can make---- + +_Dolly._ Reparation?! + +_Lucas._ Such as an apology---- + + [DOLLY _utters a contemptuous exclamation._ + +_Matt._ Will you give me your word of honor never to see Mrs. Sturgess +again? + +_Lucas._ Yes. + +_Matt._ Or write to her? + +_Lucas._ Yes. + +_Matt._ The word of honour of an English gentleman used to mean +something, Lu. + +_Lucas._ It does now, Uncle Matt! + +_Matt._ [_Shakes hands with him heartily._] Then I'll take it. Now be +off as quickly as you can and let us make the best of it for you and +her. + +_Lucas._ Thanks. Good-bye! + +_Matt._ Good-bye! + + [LUCAS _crosses to_ DOLLY, _offers his hand._ + +_Dolly._ No, Lu. If Renie gets out of this safely and if you behave +yourself, I'll shake hands with you when you come back from India. + +_Lucas._ You're taking this too seriously--you're taking it far too +seriously! [_Exit._ + +_Matt._ We're making a splendid start again for the New Year! + +_Dolly._ I hope this will be a lesson for Renie! + +_Matt._ I hope so. How about yourself? + +_Dolly._ What do you mean? + +_Matt._ I put the sovereign in, but--you've got a few more bills, eh? + +_Dolly._ Just a few oddments. + +_Matt._ How much? + +_Dolly._ I don't know. Dad---- + +_Matt._ Well? + +_Dolly._ Now that South Africans have gone up at last, and you won that +splendid coup on them last week---- + +_Matt._ Well? + +_Dolly._ You couldn't lend me--a few hundreds--till my allowance comes +due? Just a few hundreds---- + +_Matt._ [_In a low reproachful tone, shaking his head._] What? What? +What? Sad! Sad! Sad!! + +_Dolly._ [_Listens._] There's Harry! You will help me, Dad--you will? + +_Matt._ I'll see what I can do. + + HARRY _enters cheerfully._ + +_Harry._ That's all right, Doll! There's the address. + + [_Giving a slip of paper._ + +_Dolly._ Thanks, dear. + +_Harry._ And now about these mere oddments? + +_Dolly._ Not now, dear. + +_Harry._ Yes, dear, now. [_Very sternly._] This instant! + +_Dolly._ Harry, you're going to lose your temper---- + +_Harry._ No. I'm going to keep a firm guard on it, but [_very sternly_] +let me see those bills. + +_Dolly._ [_Creeps frightened up to the desk._] I'm sure you're going to +lose your temper. + + [_Opens the desk._ + +_Harry._ [_Firmly._] No. I'm quite calm. Whose bill is that? [_She hands +him one timorously._] Fulks and Garner! Artist Furriers! More artists! +[_looks at total_]--one hundred and twenty-four pounds. Well, I'm---- + +_Dolly._ Ah, Jobling! + +_Harry._ I should think I am Jobling. And you said you'd never enter +their shop again! + +_Dolly._ I never meant it, but this time it was absolutely necessary---- + +_Harry._ Necessary? + +_Dolly._ Yes--you see the chief item---- + +_Harry._ [_Reads._] Chinchilla toque, coat, muff and boa--eighty +guineas--eighty guineas---- + +_Dolly._ I got them as a surprise for you when we go South next week. + +_Harry._ Surprise! Great heavens! What in the name of all---- + +_Matt._ Shush, Harry! Her motive was a good one. She got it to please +you! + +_Dolly._ You haven't seen it yet, it's just outside--I've a great mind +to give you a great New Year's treat and let you see it on! + +_Harry._ I'm not going to be sweedled---- + +_Matt._ Hush! Harry! Let her put it on! Let's have a look at it, and see +whether it's worth the money. Put it on, Doll. [_Exit_ DOLLY. + +_Harry._ [_Calls after her._] I tell you I'm not going to be +sweedled!---- + +_Matt._ What is sweedled? + +_Harry._ Sweedling is sweedling! It's part swindling and part wheedling! +It's what every d--ee--d good-natured husband like me has to go through, +when he's fool enough to put up with it! + +_Matt._ Well, old boy, you'll have to pay, you know; it will come to +that in the end. + +_Harry._ I'm not going to be sweedled---- + +_Matt._ And if Dolly has been a little extravagant, I must help her out +with it to-morrow morning! + +_Harry._ No, we'll go into it thoroughly to-night. + +_Matt._ No, Harry, we won't. My room is just above here. Besides, the +cook is going to give us a special New Year dinner, and I want to enjoy +it. This New Year we'll start with a comfortable evening, please! + + DOLLY _enters at back in a very handsome Chinchilla coat._ HARRY + _looks a little sulky. She stands in the middle of the room and + displays it._ + +_Dolly._ Well? [_He looks at it rather sulkily, walks away; she follows +him._] Well? [Walking after him.] Well? Well? + + [_Displaying the furs._] + + [_He turns, looks at her, she stands and holds out her arms._ + +_Harry._ Oh, hang it all! [_Takes her in his arms and kisses her._] +There! + +_Dolly._ [_Kissing him heartily._] And there! [_Another kiss._] And +there! [_Another kiss._] And there! [_Catches sight of the collecting +box, goes to it, furiously sweeps it off its table on to the floor._] +AND THERE! + + + CURTAIN. + + + * * * * * + + +Transcriber's note + + +The following changes have been made to the text: + +Page 7: "The Afternoon" changed to "The afternoon". + +Page 12: "thirt-four, seven" changed to "thirty-four, seven". + +Page 21: "no doubt each of has his own" changed to "no doubt each of you +has his own". + +Page 30: "had a plesant walk" changed to "had a pleasant walk". + +Page 33: "to the time---- w" changed to "to the time----". + +Page 50: "Doll." changed to "Dolly.". + +Page 60: "Gibralter" changed to "Gibraltar". + +Page 69: "speak for themselevs" changed to "speak for themselves". + +Page 76: "least self-recpect" changed to "least self-respect". + +Page 76: "now organgized" changed to "now organized". + +Page 78: "down in a mniute" changed to "down in a minute". + +Page 95: "extensive lessions" changed to "extensive lesions". + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Dolly Reforming Herself, by Henry Arthur Jones + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK DOLLY REFORMING HERSELF *** + +***** This file should be named 27271.txt or 27271.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/2/7/2/7/27271/ + +Produced by Bryan Ness, Carla Foust and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This +book was produced from scanned images of public domain +material from the Google Print project.) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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