initial commit of ebook 26385HEADmain

1 files changed, 1651 insertions, 0 deletions

diff --git a/26385.txt b/26385.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..5d34bbe
--- /dev/null
+++ b/26385.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,1651 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 104,
+January 7, 1893, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 104, January 7, 1893
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Francis Burnand
+
+Release Date: August 21, 2008 [EBook #26385]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, JANUARY 7, 1893 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, Juliet Sutherland and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  PUNCH,
+
+  OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+  VOLUME 104.
+
+  JANUARY 7th 1893.
+
+
+LONDON: PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, AND SOLD BY ALL
+BOOKSELLERS.
+
+1893.
+
+LONDON: BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS, WHITEFRIARS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PREFACE
+
+SCENE--_The Elysian Fields, a flower-gemmed bank, by a flowing stream,
+beneath the sylvan shade of unfading foliage._ Mr. PUNCH--_who is free
+of all places, from Fleet Street to Parnassus--discovered, in Arcadian
+attire, attempting "numerous verse" on a subject of National
+importance--to wit, the approaching Royal Marriage._
+
+_Mr. Punch._ Propt on this "bank of amaranth and moly,"
+    Beneath the shade of boughs _un_melancholy,
+    I meditate on AEstas and on Hymen!
+    Pheugh! _What_ a Summer! Torrid drought doth try men,--
+    And fields and farms; yet when our Royal MAY
+    Weds--in July--'tis fit that Phoebus stay
+    His fiery car to welcome her! By Jove,
+    That sounds Spenserian! Illustrious Love
+    Epithalamion demands, and lo!
+    We've no official Laureate, to let flow,
+    With Tennysonian dignity and sweetness,
+    Courtly congratulation. DRYDEN's neatness,
+    Even the gush of NAHUM TATE or PYE
+    Are not available, so PUNCH must try
+    His unofficial pen. My tablets, TOBY!
+    This heat's enough to give you hydrophoby!
+    Talk about Dog-days! Is that nectar iced?
+    Then just one gulp! It beats the highest priced
+    And creamiest champagne. Now, silence, Dog,
+    And let me give my lagging Muse a jog!
+
+  [_Writes, with one eye on the portraits of the_ Duke of YORK
+    _and the_ Princess MAY, _the other on the iced nectar-cup._
+
+    Humph! I do hope the happy Royal Pair
+    (Whose counterfeit presentments front me there,
+    Inspiring, in young manhood and frank beauty)
+    Will think their Laureate hath fulfilled his duty,
+    His labour of most loyal love, discreetly.
+    Compliments delicate, piled not sickly-sweetly,
+    Like washy WARTON's, nor so loud thrasonical--
+    Like Glorious JOHN's--that they sound half ironical!
+    'Tis hard indeed for loyal love to hit
+    The medium just 'twixt sentiment and wit----
+
+  [TOBY _barks, and a mellifluous voice soundeth, courteously
+    intervenient, as two splendid Shades steal silently through
+    the verdurous shadows._
+
+_First Voice._ But you _have_ hit it, never-missing-One!
+
+_Second Voice._ For fulsome twaddle finds best check in Fun!
+
+_Mr. Punch_ (_with respectful heartiness_). What! Sweet-voiced SPENSER!
+        Chivalrous-souled SIDNEY!!
+    This _is_ a joy! For heroes of your kidney
+    PUNCH hath a heartier homage, as he hopes,
+    Than the most thundering Swinburnian tropes
+    Could all express!
+
+_Spenser_ (_smiling mildly_). ALGERNON's one of Us!
+    In fierce superlatives, and foam and fuss,
+    He deals o'ermuch, but proof lies in his page.
+    _He_'s of the true Parnassian lineage,
+    And should be Laureate--if he care to be so.
+
+_Sidney._ Would he but heed what HORACE wrote to PISO!
+    "The singing-skill of god APOLLO's giving"
+    Is his, however, and no lyrist living
+    Hath such a stretch of finger, or such tone.
+
+_Mr. Punch._ Faith, but he sings immortal Fames--your own,
+    My PHILIP, latest and not least--in strains
+    That thrill our nerves and mount into our brains.
+    If he would study less in GOSSON's "School"
+    (That of "Abuse," o'er which you laid the rule
+    In your "Defence of Poesy"), and stay
+    Less in dim Orcus than Arcadia,
+    Then--well, I might have well been spared this task.
+    SPENSER, _you_ penned _your own_; now may I ask
+    Epithalamion-recipes from you?
+
+_Spenser_ (_smiling_). Yes--when you need them! I was Laureate too!
+    There's enough inspiration in those faces
+[_Pointing to portraits of the_ Duke of YORK _and the_ Princess MAY.
+    To bring the needful Muses, and the Graces,
+    All to your aid!
+
+_Mr. Punch._ By Jove! That "takes the cake."
+    You great Elizabethans had the knack
+    Of courtly compliment. Young GEORGE, fair MAY,
+    Shall have your _mot_ upon their marriage day,
+    As a choice wedding gift, to pair with mine!
+
+_Spenser and Sidney_ (_together_). What's that?
+
+_Mr. Punch_ (_politely_). One you may share, if you incline.
+    TOBIAS, hand the new-bound Oracle here!
+    Take it, brave SIDNEY, take it, SPENSER dear!
+    It may enliven e'en this amaranth shore;
+    It is my new
+
+VOLUME ONE HUNDRED AND FOUR!!!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"APPARENT FAILURE."
+
+["The Private View was not a success.... The dresses which we noticed
+were very ordinary indeed."--_"Art Notes" in a Ladies' Paper._]
+
+  NOT a success--for every toilet there
+    Was commonplace and stupid, more or less;
+  A fact which clearly made the whole affair,
+        Not a success.
+
+  "Were not the pictures good?" Well, we confess
+    We know not, neither do we greatly care;
+  As writers for the fashionable Press,
+    Artistic knowledge falls not to our share;
+  We saw no novelties in hat or dress;
+    Therefore the Show is plainly, we declare,
+        "Not a success."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: "LIGHT AND LEADING."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"BANG WENT SAX-PENCE!"--_A propos_ of the New Coinage, the _Pall Mall
+Gazette_ is our authority for saying, that "The design for the reverse
+of the half-crown has been prepared by Mr. BROCK." BROCK is a name
+hitherto associated in the popular mind with fireworks; and if the work
+be entrusted to this cunning artificer, he will make the New Coinage go
+off splendidly. He has, we believe, already submitted illuminated
+designs to the QUEEN.
+
+       ***
+
+THE KENDALS are announced to appear at the Avenue Theatre. They start
+with _A White Lie_. This is the truth. Free admissions will not be heard
+of, except when they give _A Scrap of Paper_. They are also going to
+produce a new play entitled, _Prince Karatoff_. The plot, to judge by
+the name, will be of interest to Vegetarians, as it is whispered that
+the hero, _Prince Karatoff_, falls in love with _Princess Turnipon_.
+
+       ***
+
+CURIOUSLY APPROPRIATE CONJUNCTION OF NAMES.--On Friday last the _Times_
+published an important letter on a certain fishery. The fish was the
+Salmon, and the writer of the letter was FFENNELL. We do not remember
+ever having seen Salmon on table without FFENNELL, which is a fanciful
+way of spelling it. All information concerning Salmon may now be
+obtained from a "FFENNELL source."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE SONG OF THE SHIRT.
+
+THE SONG OF THE SHIRT.
+
+(_Very Latest Version._)
+
+["There is a grievance which has taken hold in the last few years, under
+which we are all groaning and complaining, without, as far as I can see,
+any present remedy. I allude to the shameful way in which our linen is
+destroyed and knocked about by the existing race of Washerwomen in the
+Metropolis."--_M. J. G.'s Letter on "London Laundries," in the Daily
+Telegraph._]
+
+  With wristbands grubby and worn,
+    With collars ragged and frayed,
+  A man moaned over a shirt all rags,
+    Cursing the laundress trade.
+        "Scrub! Scrub! Scrub!
+  With lime for extracting the dirt;
+  With chemicals rot, and with wire-brushes rub!"--
+        _That_'s the new Song of the Shirt.
+
+          Buy! Buy! Buy!
+  Though I'm but a poor Clerk, with scant "oof,"
+        Yet it's buy--buy--buy!
+  (My hosier's bills furnish full proof),
+        And it's O! to be a slave
+    To my Laundress, who's worse than a Turk.
+  I seldom look nice, and I never can save;
+        And this is woman's work!
+
+          Rub! Rub! Rub!
+  Till they're rugged at edge and at rim;
+        Scrub! Scrub! Scrub!
+  Till with scissors the cuffs I must trim.
+    Seam, and gusset, and band,
+      Band, and gusset, and seam;
+  And all the buttonholes gape, and the studs
+        Drop out in a golden stream.
+
+  O Men with sisters who wash,
+    With housewifely mothers or wives,
+  Who "do up" your linen, and _don't_ "put it out,"
+    You lead endurable lives!
+        Wash--Starch--Iron!
+    _That_ may mean home dampness and dirt;
+  But at least your collars won't chafe your neck,
+    And you'll boast a wearable shirt!
+
+  But why do I dream of soap,
+    Or of honest knuckle-bone?
+  Now most men's shirts come home in a shape
+      That's dreadfully like my own--
+      That's dismally like my own,
+  Unless a home laundry they keep;
+    Great Scott! that shirts should be so dear,
+        And chloride and wire so cheap!
+
+        Scrub! Scrub! Scrub!
+  The wire-brush never flags;
+    And what's the result? A collar that's rough,
+      And a front that's ever in rags!
+  That frayed-out wristband worries me sore,
+      It catches--and shows--the dirt.
+  And as for the collar!!!--I'll bet you a dollar
+    You've never one _clean_ to your shirt.
+
+    Oh! but to breathe the breath
+  Of old country linen so sweet,
+    Wherein lavender was spread,
+      Which was dried on the grass at our feet!
+  For only one short week
+      To feel as I used to feel,
+  Before women washed with chloride of lime,
+        And scrubbed with brushes of steel!
+
+  Oh! but for one short week
+    Of the good old-fashioned wash,
+  Before a laundry meant utter rot,
+    Lime, wax, and such chemical bosh!
+  A little swearing would ease my heart,
+    At that ogress, false, inhuman;
+  So to the papers a line I'll drop,
+        On the Modern Washerwoman!
+
+  With fingers ready and fleet,
+    With features indignantly red,
+  A poor Clerk wrote of his linen in rags,
+      And this is what he said:--
+        "Stitch! Stitch! Stitch!
+  Yet _I_ can't keep a decent shirt!
+    The thing has reached an unbearable pitch,
+  So--as an appeal to the poor and the rich--
+        I sing the new Song of the Shirt!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: EUPHEMISM.
+
+_Cab Tout (exasperated by the persistent attentions of Constable)._
+
+"LOOK 'ERE, OLE LIGHTNIN'-KETCHER, W'ERE THE MISSIN' WORD ARE YER
+SHOVIN' US TO?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROBERT ON THE GREAT QUESTION OF THE DAY.
+
+JOLLY old Crismus being cum round agen, as ushal, we had our
+Crismus-Heve supper, as ushal, and henjoyed owrselves till a rayther
+latish hour, as ushal. Upon cumpareing notes, we didn't find as we had
+werry much to complane about, the grand and nobel old wirtue of
+horsepitality perwailing much as ushal.
+
+Howsumdever, upon cumparin notes a second time as to the most poplar
+subjecks of conwersashun at the warious Eleckshun Dinners, on Saint
+Tommas' Day, or the day when the hole of the Common Counselmen has to go
+to their Constittuents for to be elected--though what St. Tommas ewer
+had to do with it I never could dishcover, no more can BROWN--we found
+as they was amost all on 'em a torkin about sum grate change, as a lot
+of outsiders called County Counsellors was a going for to try to get
+made; the werry principellist being, BROWN said, that they might have
+occashonal use of the Manshun Ouse, and so give grand Dinners to the
+West-End Swells, and so get them to wote for their having jolly hansum
+allowences with which to pay for 'em! But quiet ole JOE, who's one of
+them rum fellers as don't say much, but thinks a deal, says, in his
+quiet way, as how as it's werry much wus than that, for, from what a
+werry ancient Deputty said, as he was a helping him to his jugged air,
+he had werry little dowt but that County Counsellors was acshally a
+going in for erbollishing the hold Copperashun altogether! if they can
+git the Goverment to be fools enuff for to promise to 'elp 'em. And
+then, from what he heard from others, they are a going to rob the nobel
+and Charytable Liwery Companys of all the money as they spends so nobly;
+and then, not contented with that, they are a going for to ask Parlyment
+to give them the command of all the sixteen thowsand Policemen as there
+is in the hole of London; and then, not content with that, they are a
+going for to erbolish all the eight Water Companys, and manage it all
+theirselves; and then, not content with that, they are a going to take
+all the Meet Markets, and the Fish Markets, includin Ancient
+Billingsgate, and the Fruit and Wegeral Markets; and then, just to fill
+up sum of their lezzur time, they are a going to erbolish the Thames
+Conserwaters, and manage the River theirselves; and then, as they think
+as them little trifles ain't quite enuff for 'em, they are a going to
+arsk to be aloud to take charge of all the Docks and Wharfs on the
+River! And then, as they will naterally want plenty of emusement after
+their ard work, they arsks to be aloud to take over the control of
+All the London Theaters!
+
+I had a chat the other day with one of the LORD MARE's Footmen, as I
+allers likes to go to the werry hiest orthorities, and he finished by
+saying, most emfatically,--"Mr. ROBERT, I arsks you this simple
+quesshun--If it takes about two hunderd and thirty gents to keep the
+grand old Citty in the bootiful condishun as it allus is, and to keep us
+all in the helthy condishun as we allus is, and with the remarkabel fine
+happytites as we allus has, its size being ony one square mile, and our
+number ony about fifty thowsand sleepers, and about ten times as many,
+as cums ewery day to hearn their living, how is it possibel for a much
+smaller number of Gents, with werry littel hexperiens, to do the same
+with a plaice about a hunderd and twenty times as big, and with about
+five millions of peepel in it? And you may trust what I says, for I had
+it from our Chapling."
+
+"Why," I says, boldly, "I says at once as I don't beleeve as it's
+posserbel for 'em to do a quorter of it."
+
+"Rite you are, Mr. ROBERT!" says he. And so we parted.
+
+    ROBERT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT ANCIENT DRURY.
+
+DRURIOLANUS MAGNIFICUS has given us something gorgeous this year in "The
+Hall of a Million Mirrors," the tenth Scene of his Pantomime entitled
+_Little Bo-Peep, Little Red Riding Hood, and Hop o' My Thumb_, who are
+three very small people,--"small by degrees and beautifully less"--to
+make so big a Show. In the Hall of Mirrors appear all the well-known
+representatives of ancient Nursery Rhymes, and all the heroes and
+heroines of the universally familiar Fairy Stories. Down the Palace
+stairs they come, group after group, until the Stage, even of Old Drury,
+can hold no more, and there is scarcely room for them all to move, much
+less to indulge in any "kicking up ahind and afore," as was the wont of
+the Ancient JOSEPH, whose fame is hymned in Nigger Minstrelsy. A most
+brilliant scene, never to be forgotten!--that is, until next Pantomime
+Season, when Sir DRURIOLANUS will, in all probability, show us something
+equally magnificent, and as perfect in design and colour.
+
+There is such a galaxy of talent, specially of Music-hall talent, with
+the two MARIES, LOFTUS and LLOYD, the CAMPBELL of that ilk, comical DAN
+LENO (who looks so comically Thin O), and the amusing Brothers
+GRIFFITHS, but without the donkey, and with no quadruped to equal him,
+though they do make beasts of themselves by appearing as wolves, who
+will not be kept from the door of _Granny Green_, Mr. JOHN D'AUBAN,
+utterly unrecognisable. Besides these is a Variety Show of other Stars,
+including ever-graceful EMMA D'AUBAN, and Miss MABEL LOVE, of the
+"skirts-so movement," both rightly reckoned in the programme as among
+"the Immortals." Only one fault can be found with the Pantomime, and
+that is, that there are too many brilliant Stars in it. They can't all
+of them, each and severally, get an opportunity of showing how he or she
+can shine in his or her own particular bright way; and so it happens
+that the earliest scenes, which are less crowded, are the best for fun,
+though in the latter, and specially in the one just preceding the
+transformation, there is some capital comic business, and "LITTLE TICH"
+is at his best in his burlesque of the Skirt Dance. We wonder that this
+clever diminutive person has never appeared as "_the_ Claimant _par
+excellence_." But perhaps his name is not "TICH" at all, and so, on his
+first appearance on the world's stage, he was not a "_Tich-born_."
+
+The _Extravaganza_ portion of the Pantomime--formerly styled the
+"Opening"--gave us great pleasure, and the two "Comic Scenes"--(what are
+all the preceding ones? Are CAMPBELL, LENO, WILLIAMS, and "LITTLE TICH,"
+all tragedians?)--gave us Great PAYNE--yclept HARRY PAYNE, the good old
+Conservative "JOEY."
+
+If the possibilities, "_per variation et mutation_" of gorgeous modern
+Pantomime, are exhausted--"which," as EUCLID observes, "is
+impossible"--except we may "add a rider" (as the Clown in the Circle
+might observe) that Pantomime is, in itself, a _reductio ad
+absurdum_--then, perchance, Sir DRURIOLANUS MAGNIFICUS may give us next
+Christmas a Shorter Opening, say ten Scenes, to be followed by six
+Harlequinade Scenes, treating, by way of "Review," all the leading
+topics of Ninety-Three. _Nous verrons_--at least, such is our hope. And
+so a Prosperous New Year to Sir DRURIOLANUS, and all his works.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOVEL, BUT NOT NEW.
+
+(_A Story of Romance in Town and Country._)
+
+SCENE I.--_Publisher's Sanctum._ Amateur Author _discovered
+    in consultation with_ Enterprising Publisher.
+
+_Enterprising Publisher._ Yes, my dear Sir, I think, if you pay all the
+expenses, we can see our way to giving _An Oppressed Ophelia_ a chance.
+
+_Amateur Author._ You would not take a small risk?
+
+_Ent. Publisher._ Why no, my dear Sir. I do not see how _An Oppressed
+Ophelia_ can be made a safe investment without your entire assistance.
+Possibly we may treat about your next novel, which I understand you to
+say is called _An English Hamlet_, on other terms. In the meanwhile, let
+us hope that _An Oppressed Ophelia_ will be successful.
+
+      [_Exeunt_ Author _and_ Publisher _severally._
+
+SCENE II.--_The Same. Three months have passed._ Publisher _and_
+    Author _are discovered discussing the situation._
+
+_Author (gloomily)._ And so you say that _An Oppressed Ophelia_ is a
+dead failure?
+
+_Publisher (more cheerfully)._ Yes, my dear Sir, but do not be
+distressed. Thanks to my foresight, and your acquiescence in a
+business-like arrangement, my firm has lost nothing by the transaction.
+
+_Author (dryly)._ That I can readily understand! Well, I suppose you
+have plenty of copies you can give back to me?
+
+_Publisher._ Well, scarcely. You see the Londoners did not take up your
+book very warmly; but we have made an arrangement to dispose of the rest
+of the issue in the country at a considerable reduction.
+
+_Author._ And _An English Hamlet_?
+
+_Publisher._ We shall be glad to produce on the same terms!
+
+      [_Exeunt_ Author _and_ Publisher _severally._
+
+SCENE III.--_Interior of the Circulating Library at
+    Slocum-Pogis-on-the-Stodge._ Author _and_ Female Librarian
+    _discovered_.
+
+_Author._ Well, if you haven't got the popular novels I have already
+mentioned, I will have a book by RIDER HAGGARD, STEVENSON, MEREDITH, or
+RUDYARD KIPLING.
+
+_Librarian._ All out, Sir. Won't you have something else?
+
+_Author._ Well, an amusing volume of travels or recollections. Can you
+recommend one?
+
+_Librarian._ We did have several books of that kind in the Season, Sir,
+but just now our stock is a little low.
+
+_Author (nettled)._ Why, I don't believe you have a book in the shop.
+You seem to be out of everything!
+
+_Librarian._ Oh, yes, we have, Sir. Here, for instance, is one of this
+year's novels. It's called _An Oppressed Ophelia_.
+
+_Author (pleased)._ Oh, you have got that, have you?
+
+_Librarian._ Got it! Why, the whole place is full of them! To tell you
+the truth, Sir, it came down by mistake. We ordered books by BLACK,
+MEREDITH, STEVENSON, and the rest of them, and they sent us back, by
+accident, I suppose, a dozen copies of _An Oppressed Ophelia_. If you
+would like it, Sir, I will look you out a copy with some of the leaves
+cut.
+
+_Author (shortly)._ No, thankee, I've read it!
+
+      [_Exit._
+
+_Librarian._ Dear me, what an odd gentleman! He's the first as has
+read _An Oppressed Ophelia_, although I have had it in the shop
+these six months!
+
+      [_Scene closes in upon her astonishment._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: A Man of Letters.
+
+       ***
+
+Illustration: "Question time."
+
+       ***
+
+Illustration: The "Seasonable" Lawyer.
+
+       ***
+
+"SOME TALK OF ALEXANDER."
+
+If my memory serves me faithfully, the above heading is a quotation from
+the first verse of "_The British Grenadiers_," and is peculiarly
+applicable just now to the Lessee of the St. James's Theatre, Mr. GEORGE
+ALEXANDER, who has got a decided success in the original Comedy, written
+by Mr. R. C. CARTON, entitled _Liberty Hall_, an excellent and a
+catching name, that perhaps might have been better bestowed on a larger
+picture. To play with "reserved force" until the passionate moment
+arrives, is all that Mr. ALEXANDER has to do; but this he does
+admirably, never under-acting, never over-acting, always as natural as a
+quiet gentleman, of a peculiarly romantic turn of mind, yet with a keen
+but chastened appreciation of a practical joke, kept all to himself for
+five months, should be. Had he been compelled by circumstances to
+sustain the _alias_, and to continue playing the part of a _Burchell_ in
+GOLDSMITH's _Vicar of Wakefield_ for one month longer, could he have
+done it? However, as the piece has "caught on," it may be that Mr.
+ALEXANDER will have to play the part of _Mr. Burchell alias Owen_ for
+even longer than half a year; and, as he selected the piece, and as he
+plays this part excellently, it is mainly owin' to ALEXANDER that the
+piece is payin.' Mr. BEN WEBSTER is good as the somewhat
+gentlemanly-caddish mixture called _The Hon. Gould Harringay_. Mr.
+NUTCOMBE GOULD, as a Family Solicitor, deeply interests everybody in the
+First Act; "and then," like _Macbeth's_ "poor player,"--which Mr. N. G.
+isn't, far from it,--"is heard no more." Perhaps, during the Pantomime
+season, he might re-appear at the finish with a slight addition to his
+head-gear, as intimated in this little sketch of him, when he could
+observe confidentially to the audience, "Here we are again!" But this is
+only a hint, to the practical use of which, Mr. GOULD, by the kind
+permission of Mr. ALEXANDER, is heartily welcome.
+
+Capital is Miss FANNY COLEMAN as the housekeeper and maid-of-all-work;
+and, in the small part of _Todman's_ shop-boy, Master RICHARD SAKER
+shows that, as _Mr. Wardle_ said of _Mr. Tupman_, when he brought down
+the birds with his eyes shut, he is "an older hand at this than we
+thought for." If he works at his profession, he will show himself "a
+wise-SAKER." Mr. HOLLES and Miss AILSA CRAIG, in two very small but
+strongly-marked character-parts, add to the general efficiency of an
+exceptionally complete cast. Miss MAUDE MILLETT makes the indiscreet
+_Amy Chilworth_ a very sweet person, but it is Miss MARION TERRY who has
+in her hands the one strong dramatic situation at the end of the Third
+Act. It is a situation which, no matter what might have been the
+author's conception of it, depends for its effect solely and only on the
+actress; and Miss MARION TERRY, as she sits, rises to the occasion. It
+is long since Mr. RIGHTON has had such a part as that of _Todman_, the
+quaint little old-fashioned bookshop-keeper, and to this quite
+Dickensian character, the actor does thorough justice; as also does Mr.
+H. VINCENT to the somewhat highly coloured blusterous part of
+_Briginshaw_. Mr. ALEXANDER commences the new year well. "_Prosit!_"
+chirps        THE CRITIC OFF THE HEARTH.
+
+       ***
+
+Illustration: "Put a penny in the hat, and the figure will work."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A MOAN OF MERRY CHRISTMAS.
+
+(_By Our Own Dismal Dyspeptic._)
+
+  Oh, Christmas is a season when this melancholy earth
+  Has to put on the appearance of ungovernable mirth--
+  When you substitute a chuckle for your ordinary sigh,
+  And you give each other presents that you can't afford to buy--
+  When the little boys with snowballs are so shockingly unkind,
+  And improve on the occasion to attack you from behind--
+  When the mistletoe its terrors at the bashful person hurls,
+  And you have to kiss a number of unpleasant-looking girls!
+
+  Oh, Christmas is a season when the children make a row,
+  And you have to bear it patiently--although you don't know how--
+  When they will not let you slumber in your comfortable chair,
+  But crawl and tumble over you and ruffle up your hair--
+  When TOM and DICK are home from school with all their nasty tricks,
+  And have terrific combats with a pair of single-sticks--
+  When Auntie comes to stay with us, and always takes their parts.
+  And you smile a sickly smile, and murmur, "_Bless_ their little hearts!"
+
+  Oh, Christmas is a season when the beef is very fat,
+  (And it turns me topsy-turvey at the simple thought of that!)--
+  When it seems as if your relatives could never eat enough,
+  And you have to look contented as you sit and watch them stuff--
+  When they give you Christmas pudding, and consider it a treat,
+  Though they know that you are feeling far too bilious to eat--
+  When the very house reverberates with tradesmen's constant knocks,
+  As they call in quick succession to demand a Christmas-box!
+
+  Oh, Christmas is a season, when I long to sit alone,
+  In some clean and quiet garret, I can really call my own;
+  Where no Christmas Cards can reach me with their idiotic rhymes--
+  Where I never hear of HARRIS, and his splendid Pantomimes.
+  Where the turkey and the goose would feel distinctly out of place,
+  Where no pallid pie of mincemeat, dares to look me in the face;
+  Where I don't see coloured plates from Christmas Numbers on the wall,
+  Where, in fact, I can forget that it is Christmas-time at all!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: A REMINISCENCE.
+
+_Aunt Molly_ (_on hospitable thoughts intent_). "YOU SHALL HAVE _THIS_
+BEDROOM, MIKE--THE SAME THAT YOU HAD LAST CHRISTMAS!"
+
+_Mike._ "OH, NOT _THAT_ BEDROOM, AUNT MOLLY!--IT'S CHOKE FULL OF
+_DREAMS_!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FRENCH "SERPENTINE DANCE"
+  OR, PAS DE PANAMA.
+
+  The Minuet's cold and modish grace,
+    Delirium of the Carmagnole,
+  Fair France has known. How will she pace
+    _This_ frantic dance, and to what goal?
+  Beginning in triumphant sport,
+    She's tremulous now, with terror cold.
+  The whirl so dizzies, she breathes short;
+    The serpent spirals seem to fold
+  Laocoon-like about her limbs.
+    Tarantula-bitten victims so
+  Whirl madly. Shrinks her head and swims;
+    This is not glory's ardent glow,
+  But fever's hectic, herald sure
+    Of dread corruption, if unstayed.
+  Dance on the footing insecure
+    Of the keen edge of War's red blade,
+  Rather than this mad dervish spin,
+    Drunk with that poison-breath;
+  The music is the devil's din,
+    The dance--the modern Dance of Death!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE FRENCH "SERPENTINE DANCE;"
+OR, PAS DE PANAMA.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LATEST FROM "THE GILBERT ISLANDS."--Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN will probably
+stay in these islands while writing his new Opera. If successful, these
+islands will then be annexed by Manager D'OYLY CARTE under the style and
+title of "The Gilbert and Sullivan Islands."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ON A NEW YEAR'S CARD.
+
+["With kind regards and best wishes for 1893, from Mr. and
+Mrs. T. BROWN-SMITH and family."]
+
+  FROM TOM! It's thirty years ago
+    Or more, since, destined to talk Tamil, he
+  Set sail for foreign lands. And so
+    To-day he boasts a wife and family.
+
+  Yes, TOM and I were chums at school,
+    The Matron--how we used to fool her!
+  We broke the very self-same rule,
+    We felt the very self-same ruler.
+
+  We gladly in those classic groves
+    Accepted all the Fates provided,
+  And even in our school-boy loves
+    We did not care to be divided.
+
+  Three years at Cambridge--where we spent
+    Our money, "linked in friendly tether,"
+  Three years that all too quickly went,
+    Then _we_ went down, and went together.
+
+  Next year 'twas TOM who went abroad;
+    He vowed that he'd be married--never!
+  But I was then engaged to MAUDE,
+    To MAUDE, who swore to love me ever.
+
+  Perhaps she kept her plighted word--
+    But, if she did, she chose as funny
+  A way as I have ever heard--
+    She married Some One Else and Money.
+
+  Maybe she did not feel inclined
+    To risk the bread-and-cheese and kisses,
+  Or else her calculating mind
+    Preferred "Her Ladyship" to "Mrs."
+
+  So I'm unmarried to this day,
+    And live without the great felicity
+  Which, as TOM used of old to say,
+    Can't fail to wait on domesticity.
+
+  That joy is his alone, not mine,
+    Misogynist he liked to call himself,
+  Whilst I thought every girl divine--
+    Yet TOM has been the first to fall himself.
+
+  I've missed the sweets of married life,
+    The bills, the coos, and all the rest of it!
+  I cannot boast, like TOM, a wife,
+    I wonder, tho', who's got the best of it?
+
+  Fair MAUDE, I willingly allow
+    I thought my heart for ever riven.
+  It wasn't so at all, and now
+    Your Ladyship is quite forgiven.
+
+  And TOM, old friend--tried, trusty, true,
+    Across the seas these lines will carry
+  All New-Year greetings, TOM, to you
+    And yours, from Yours, as ever, HARRY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Should there be a hard frost, lady-skaters in Hyde Park will be able to
+give quite a new turn to the "Serpentine Dance."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CRINOLINE is gradually coming in again. She re-enters to the air of
+"_Steel so gently o'er Me steeling_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Montagu Williams.
+
+BORN, 1834. DIED, DEC. 23, 1892.
+
+["He will be missed far more by lawyers and the world at large than many
+men who hold more important offices in his profession."--_The Times._]
+
+  Companions of his ardent youth,
+    Or comrades of his riper years;
+  The poor who felt his kindly ruth,
+    And mourn him with unpurchased tears;
+  Men of the world whose mordant sense
+    Shorn of all maudlin sentiment
+  Seemed the sharp touchstone of pretence;
+    Soft hearts on swift world-bettering bent,
+  All miss, all mourn the man whom all
+  Responsive found to each high call.
+
+  Old long-dead days of boisterous mirth,
+    Far dim-seen hours of arduous fight
+  When gaiety possessed the earth,
+    When morning felt no fear of night;
+  School-form, field, footlights, club! _Eheu
+    Fugaces!_ These, indeed, are fled,
+  But thoughts of dashing MONTAGU,
+    That dauntless soul now lying dead,
+  After long fight with pitiless pain
+  Make the old memories live again.
+
+  Before the triumphs of the Court,
+    Before the honours of the Bench,
+  Wild days there were of toil and sport,
+    Long ere our brows had learned to blench
+  At threatenings of the first grey hair.
+    Ah! cordial comrade, champion stout,
+  The fierce ordeal you had to bear
+    Is ended; fortune's final flout
+  Has fallen, and that gallant breast
+  Is still at last in well-earned rest.
+
+  It was your happy lot to blend
+    Sound brain and sympathetic heart;
+  The loyal service of a friend,
+    With worldly wisdom keen and tart.
+  Shrewd advocate and councillor keen,
+    You knew the world, yet pitied it;
+  Compassion mild, not cynic spleen
+    Tempered the edge of caustic wit.
+  Farewell! It dims much pomp and state,
+  _Your_ title--"Poor Man's Magistrate!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN IDYLL OF THE CROWD.
+
+(_A Tip (after Tennyson) to Tory Topsawyers._)
+
+  Come down, O Scribe, from yonder sniffy height;
+  What pleasure lives in "sniff" (the Councillor sang),
+  In sniff and scorn, the weakness of the "swells"?
+  But cease to move so near the clouds, and cease
+  To sit a votary of the "Great Pooh-Pooh";
+  And come, for Labour's in the valley, come,
+  For Toil dwells in the valley, come thou down
+  And watch him; by the dim slum threshold, he,
+  Or hand in hand with poverty in the docks,
+  Or black with stithy-swartness by the forge,
+  Or troll-like in the mine; nor cares to walk
+  With Wealth and Fashion in the parks and squares;
+  But _follow!_ Come thou down, and let the cold
+  Cramp-headed cynics yelp alone, and leave
+  The mugwump scoffers there to shape and sleek
+  Their thousand paragraphs of acrid joke
+  That like a squirting fountain waste in air:
+  So waste thou not; but come; for hunger pale
+  Awaits thee; haggard pillars of the hearth
+  Appeal to thee; slum children call, and now
+  The Crowd's astir, with every man a Vote
+  To give him voice, and in that voice you'll hear
+  Myriads of "movements" hurrying into "laws,"
+  The moan of men at immemorial ills,
+  And murmuring of innumerable shes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MY LANDSCAPE.
+
+  Calm sea, the mirror of a cloudless sky,
+    Blue mountains, in the purple distance fading,
+  Tall, dark-hued pines, through which faint zephyrs sigh,
+          A garden shading.
+
+  A view that might inspire a poet's voice,
+    Or minstrel's lute to sweetest music waken--
+  I came to paint this subject of my choice;
+          My place was taken!
+
+  I muttered angry words between my teeth;
+    I could not see the features of _la bella_,
+  I only saw a dress and cloak beneath
+          A great umbrella.
+
+  Perhaps some girl, her hair a touzled mop,
+    Plain-featured, round in shoulder, unpoetic,
+  With hygienic boots that flatly flop--
+          Old style aesthetic.
+
+  I came a little closer, just to see.
+    Ye gods, her looks and form were not alarming!
+  A graceful, sweet-faced, dainty maiden she,
+          Completely charming.
+
+  The landscape that I loved was what she drew.
+    I felt my coolness towards her quickly thawing;
+  I also stayed to sketch that charming view--
+          Here is my drawing.
+
+Illustration: MY LANDSCAPE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: "SIC ITUR."
+
+       ***
+
+"SIC ITUR."
+
+  The Old Year flits, the New Year comes,
+    And, through such severance, man contrives
+  To parcel out in little sums
+    The little measurements of lives.
+  We feign the one a different year,
+    Outworn, by solemn bells outrung--
+  The other, foundling of our sphere,
+    As radiant, innocent, and young.
+
+  Farewell! we cry, to Ninety-Two,
+    Its lapses and encompassings,
+  We bid them all a fond adieu,
+    And fix our gaze on fresher things;
+  What has not been we dream will be,
+    The wounds will heal, the flaws will mend,
+  And hopes be born of Ninety-Three
+    That older, cherished hopes transcend.
+
+  It is not thus; Time mocks at pause,
+    In march continual onward goes;
+  Th' unfailing progress of his laws,
+    No respite nor effacement knows;
+  This year is but the force of last,
+    Not something new to mortal ken;
+  Heredity's enchainment vast
+    Enthrals the moments as the men.
+
+  Yet welcome still, our childish trust,
+    Which breathes a truth that Science mars;
+  Our ladder, based upon the dust,
+    Mounts ever nearer steadfast stars;
+  And, though the rungs be still the same,
+    The glimpses, as we strive to rise,
+  Are, 'spite our mists of sin and shame,
+    More closely neighbouring the skies.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MIXED NOTIONS.
+
+No. III.--PANAMA.
+
+  SCENE, _and persons as before--namely, two_ Well-informed
+    Men, _an_ Inquirer, _and an_ AVERAGE MAN, _travelling up
+    together in a suburban morning-train to London._
+
+_First Well-informed Man._ Jolly old mess they seem to have got into in
+Paris over this Panama business. I see they arrested half-a-dozen more
+of them yesterday.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ Yes--and they haven't done yet. I knew, months and
+months ago, the crash must come. That French chap, LAMPION told me all
+about it. He says it'll bust up the Republic before they've done with
+it.
+
+_First W. I. M._ And a good thing too. That kind of corruption only
+flourishes under a Republican form of government. They want a strong man
+in France, that's what they want.
+
+_Average Man._ I don't believe much in your strong men. I suppose the
+last Emperor was a pretty fair specimen; but they seem to have had some
+high old ramps under him, too. Besides, look at Russia.
+
+_First W. I. M._ You can't bring Russia forward as an example.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ Of course not. Russia don't count.
+
+_A. M._ Why not? I don't suppose you can make a man much stronger than
+the CZAR; but, if we're to believe what we're told, the whole place is
+honeycombed with corruption. Why--(_to_ First W. I. M.)--you were saying
+yourself, only the other day, that Russia was corrupt to the core.
+
+_First W. I. M._ Oh, but I was speaking of something quite different.
+Russia is a country _per se_.
+
+_Inquirer._ I thought Russia was an Autocracy.
+
+_First W. I. M._ It's the same thing.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ (_after a pause_). Well, anyhow, we in England haven't
+done anything of the kind. You can't deny that.
+
+_A. M._ No, we haven't done anything quite on the same scale lately, I
+admit that. But we've done our best with worthless mines, and bogus
+Companies of all kinds, and financial papers, and Building Societies.
+Seems to me we've no right to chuck stones at poor old LESSEPS.
+
+_Inquirer._ Is that the same old chap who did something in Egypt some
+years ago?
+
+_Second W. I. M._ (_smiling, and superior_). Yes, the very same. He made
+the Suez Canal.
+
+_Inquirer._ Of course--so he did. That was what we went to the Soudan
+for, wasn't it?
+
+_Second W. I. M._ (_dubiously_). Well, it had something to do with it,
+of course. As we'd got four million pounds' worth of shares in the
+Canal, we couldn't afford to see it upset. And then (_brightening_)
+there was the Dual Control. That was really at the bottom of the whole
+business.
+
+_Inquirer._ The Dual Control? I don't remember what that was.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ Why, don't you remember ARABI setting himself up
+against the KHEDIVE? Well, naturally, we couldn't stand the two of them
+playing their games there; so we just had to nip in, and smash old
+ARABI.
+
+_Inquirer._ Of course, I remember the whole business now; Khartoum, and
+the MAHDI, and all the rest of it.  [_A pause._
+
+_Inquirer_ (_returning to the charge_). I wonder why they called it the
+Panama Canal?
+
+_First W. I. M._ Why shouldn't they? It happens to be its name.
+
+_Inquirer._ Yes, I know that's its name now. But why call it after a
+straw hat?
+
+_First W. I. M._ (_amazed_). After a _what_?
+
+_Inquirer._ After a straw hat.
+
+_First W. I. M._ (_calmly, but firmly_). It isn't called after a straw
+hat. The straw hat's called after it. That's all.
+
+_Inquirer_ (_dogged, and unconvinced_). Well, anyhow, I know I bought a
+Panama hat last summer--and deuced expensive it was, too.
+
+_First W. I. M._ My dear boy, it was made in Panama. Panama's a place.
+
+_Inquirer._ Well, I'm dashed! I never knew that. But what on earth do
+they want a Canal there for?
+
+_First W. I. M._ Oh, well, I'm bound to admit it would be a convenience.
+Just think how it would shorten the sea-route. Instead of having to go
+all the way round Cape What's-his-name--what _is_ that blessed Cape's
+name?
+
+_Second W. I. M._ (_tentatively_). Cape of Good Hope?
+
+_First W. I. M._ No, no--they're building the Nicaragua Canal for that.
+Cape--Cape--why, dash it, I shall be forgetting my own name next!
+
+_Inquirer_ (_brilliantly_). Capricorn.
+
+_First W. I. M._ Yes, that's it! Well, instead of having to go all round
+Cape Ricorn, all we've got to do is to sail to Panama, and--(_impotently
+concluding_)--there we are!
+
+_Second W. I. M._ Ah, but I don't think they'll ever finish it.
+
+_First W. I. M._ I'm not so sure about that; but, of course, the French
+couldn't do it.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ Of course not. [_Terminus._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: "CREDE EXPERTO."
+
+_Q.C._ "YES; I LIKE THE ARMY AS A PROFESSION. I MEAN TO PUT MY SON INTO
+IT."
+
+_Little Snooks_ (_who was Gazetted the week before last_). "AH, YOU TAKE
+THE ADVICE OF A MAN WHO KNOWS ALL ABOUT IT--AND _DON'T!_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VERY CIVIL LAW.
+
+(_With Mr. Punch's Compliments to the London County Council._)
+
+  SCENE--_The Interior of the Court under the Patronage of the
+    London County Council._ Judge, _appointed according to the
+    popular view, discovered in the act of passing sentence._
+
+_Judge._ Prisoner in the dock, or I should say, my good friend--for are
+we not all liable to err?--I have no wish to increase the natural
+embarrassment of your position. I am here, as you know, to dispense
+judgment. This I tell you judicially. I am, when I make this statement,
+merely the mouthpiece of the Law. In my private capacity, I am deeply
+sorry for you.
+
+_Prisoner_ (_much affected_). Thank you kindly, Sir.
+
+_Judge._ My dear friend, I feel for your misfortunes. I make every
+allowance for them. By the Statute under whose provisions both of us are
+here, I notice that I have the power to sentence you to seven years'
+penal servitude.
+
+_Prisoner_ (_startled_). Seven years! But you ain't going to do it?
+
+_Judge._ My dear friend, I will do nothing that is unjust.
+
+_Prisoner_ (_angrily_). You'd better not, or you'll 'ear of it again!
+
+_Judge._ I hope, I do hope that is not intended as a threat! My object
+is to treat you courteously, and even considerately, but, as I have
+already remarked, the Law is, in fact, the Law. Although I represent the
+London County Council to a very large extent, still I am a Member of the
+Bar, and, by virtue of my office, a gentleman. Under these
+circumstances, I shall only be doing my duty--painful as its performance
+may be--when I sentence you to be kept in penal servitude for seven
+years.
+
+_Prisoner_ (_indignantly_). What, seven years! Why, you----
+
+  [_Scene closes in hurriedly upon a flood of language more
+    forcible than polite. Curtain._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE GRAND OLD PRINTER.
+
+SEVERAL REPORTS HAVE APPEARED IN THE PAPERS ABOUT THE PRINTING OF THE
+NEW HOME-RULE BILL BY AN OLD EXPERIENCED HAND WORKING IN SECRET.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: AN UNDERGROUND SELL.
+
+_First Passenger._ "THEY SAY THEY'VE PUT ON DETECTIVES 'ERE, TO CATCH
+COVES AS TRAVELS WITHOUT TICKETS."
+
+_Second Passenger._ "'AVE THEY? WELL, ALL I CAN SAY IS, _I_ CAN TRAVEL
+AS OFTEN AS I LIKE FROM CANNON STREET TO VICTORIA, AND NOT PAY A
+'APENNY!"
+
+_Detective._ "SEE HERE MATE; I'LL GIVE YOU HALF-A-CROWN IF YOU TELL ME
+HOW YOU DO IT."
+
+_Second Passenger_ (_after pocketing the Half-Crown_). "WELL,--WHEN I
+WANTS TO GIT FROM CANNON STREET TO VICTORIA WITHOUT PAYIN'--_I WALKS!_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"CUT AND COME AGAIN."
+
+The Annual New-Year's Dinner of Anti-Vivisectionists took place
+yesterday. The following was the _menu_:--
+
+  Oysters--eaten alive.
+
+  Turtle Soup--the Turtle having been exhibited for several days
+    previously in a Confectioner's window.
+
+  Stewed Eels--chopped up wriggling.
+
+  Lobsters--boiled alive.
+
+  Prawns--ditto ditto.
+
+  Curried Rabbit--trapped.
+
+  Pates de Foies Gras.
+
+  Roast Pork--Prize Pig, suffocated at a show.
+
+  Roast Veal--Calf bled to death to secure an elegant whiteness.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PROBLEM.--At the stranding-of-the-_Howe_ trial there appeared a
+Witness, whose official position, it appears, is "Hydrographer of the
+Navy." What is a hydrographer? clearly, by derivation, "a drawer of
+water." But a ship also "draws water." Therefore, logically, a
+Hydrographer is a ship. But a ship is never put into a witness-box,
+where it would be quite at sea, but in the dock, where it could be quite
+at home. "Truly," writes our Puzzled Correspondent, "there is a muddle
+somewhere." _Q. E. D._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CHEERFUL INVESTMENT.--A Laughing-Stock.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SAFE PREDICTIONS FOR THE YEAR.
+
+Someone will write about the extraordinary characteristic of the Season,
+whether it be warm or cold.
+
+There will be a Political Crisis in Paris on the average of once in
+every six weeks.
+
+The German Emperor will continue his tours, to the great inconvenience
+of the Crowned Heads he favours with a visit.
+
+Mr. GLADSTONE will lecture, write articles to the Magazines, fell trees,
+and govern the country, as per usual.
+
+Someone will get a trifle tired of Home Rule, the Channel Tunnel, and
+General BOOTH.
+
+A few persons will leave Europe for America, to see the Chicago
+Exhibition.
+
+A crowd (more or less) will attend the Oxford and Cambridge Boat-race,
+the Derby, and the Private View at the Royal Academy.
+
+Mrs. SMITH (after having been presented by My Lady BROWN) will present
+Miss SMITH, Miss ELFRIDA SMITH, and Miss VICTORIA ALEXANDRA SMITH, at
+Her MAJESTY'S Drawing-Room.
+
+Mr. and Mrs. PORTLAND SNOOKS will give a dinner-party, which will be
+reported in the Society papers.
+
+The First Nights at the Lyceum will be amongst the features of the
+Season.
+
+There will be several failures at the Theatres, and also a success
+or two.
+
+There will be half a dozen full-dress debates in the House of Commons,
+and as many important divisions.
+
+The "Popular Budget" is sure, with some people, to be exceedingly
+unpopular.
+
+The London County Council and the School Board will be censured by
+the Press.
+
+There will be any number of railway "accidents," and avoidable "deaths
+by misadventure."
+
+It will be discovered that the British Army is a myth, and that the
+British Navy is a snare and a delusion.
+
+Parliament will be up in time for the partridges, even if a little late
+for the grouse.
+
+Everyone will praise the United Kingdom as the land of the tourist, and
+promptly go abroad.
+
+A subject of deep domestic importance will be discussed in the columns
+devoted to correspondence in the daily papers during the Silly Season.
+
+A new Author will be discovered, and spring into great popularity with
+the Publishers, if not with the Public.
+
+Out of every hundred novels, ten per cent. will be absorbed by the
+London Libraries, and the remainder carted off to the "Circulating Book
+Emporiums" at the seaside.
+
+A new Magazine will be started, to supply a want hitherto unsuspected.
+
+Someone will write his experiences, and expect someone else to
+read them.
+
+The children (periodically) will return to school after the holidays,
+and "men" will go to Oxford and Cambridge, as occasion requires.
+
+Calls to the Bar by the Benchers of the Inns of Court will add
+materially to the numbers of the Unemployed.
+
+Several social failures will go to the Colonies, and (like a bad
+shilling) return again.
+
+Professor JONES will call black white, while Professor ROBINSON
+insists that it is grey.
+
+There will be bags on the moors, and sales at the poulterers'.
+
+The Christmas Numbers will be prepared in May and published in October.
+
+The Divorce Court will be open for the Season, and the Season will amply
+avail itself of the opportunity.
+
+The year will pass in less than no time, and the Yule-tide greetings
+will be heard, as it were, shortly after Easter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: Going with the Times.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUBJECT FOR FANCY PICTURE.--Fined five shillings for swearing. A bench
+of Magisterial Salmon from the River Tees, after considerable
+consultation, deciding that they cannot pass over the Dinsdale Dam, but
+admitted that it was quite allowable for a ladylike Salmon to say to the
+river, "O you Tees!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE _PRESENT_ TIMES."--Christmas and New Year.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed
+Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be
+returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope,
+Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume
+104, January 7, 1893, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, JANUARY 7, 1893 ***
+
+***** This file should be named 26385.txt or 26385.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+        https://www.gutenberg.org/2/6/3/8/26385/
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, Juliet Sutherland and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+https://gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at https://www.pglaf.org.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at
+https://pglaf.org/fundraising.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at https://pglaf.org
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit https://pglaf.org
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including including checks, online payments and credit card
+donations.  To donate, please visit: https://pglaf.org/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.