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diff --git a/26385.txt b/26385.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5d34bbe --- /dev/null +++ b/26385.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1651 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 104, +January 7, 1893, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 104, January 7, 1893 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Francis Burnand + +Release Date: August 21, 2008 [EBook #26385] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, JANUARY 7, 1893 *** + + + + +Produced by Neville Allen, Juliet Sutherland and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + + PUNCH, + + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + + VOLUME 104. + + JANUARY 7th 1893. + + +LONDON: PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, AND SOLD BY ALL +BOOKSELLERS. + +1893. + +LONDON: BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS, WHITEFRIARS. + + * * * * * + +PREFACE + +SCENE--_The Elysian Fields, a flower-gemmed bank, by a flowing stream, +beneath the sylvan shade of unfading foliage._ Mr. PUNCH--_who is free +of all places, from Fleet Street to Parnassus--discovered, in Arcadian +attire, attempting "numerous verse" on a subject of National +importance--to wit, the approaching Royal Marriage._ + +_Mr. Punch._ Propt on this "bank of amaranth and moly," + Beneath the shade of boughs _un_melancholy, + I meditate on AEstas and on Hymen! + Pheugh! _What_ a Summer! Torrid drought doth try men,-- + And fields and farms; yet when our Royal MAY + Weds--in July--'tis fit that Phoebus stay + His fiery car to welcome her! By Jove, + That sounds Spenserian! Illustrious Love + Epithalamion demands, and lo! + We've no official Laureate, to let flow, + With Tennysonian dignity and sweetness, + Courtly congratulation. DRYDEN's neatness, + Even the gush of NAHUM TATE or PYE + Are not available, so PUNCH must try + His unofficial pen. My tablets, TOBY! + This heat's enough to give you hydrophoby! + Talk about Dog-days! Is that nectar iced? + Then just one gulp! It beats the highest priced + And creamiest champagne. Now, silence, Dog, + And let me give my lagging Muse a jog! + + [_Writes, with one eye on the portraits of the_ Duke of YORK + _and the_ Princess MAY, _the other on the iced nectar-cup._ + + Humph! I do hope the happy Royal Pair + (Whose counterfeit presentments front me there, + Inspiring, in young manhood and frank beauty) + Will think their Laureate hath fulfilled his duty, + His labour of most loyal love, discreetly. + Compliments delicate, piled not sickly-sweetly, + Like washy WARTON's, nor so loud thrasonical-- + Like Glorious JOHN's--that they sound half ironical! + 'Tis hard indeed for loyal love to hit + The medium just 'twixt sentiment and wit---- + + [TOBY _barks, and a mellifluous voice soundeth, courteously + intervenient, as two splendid Shades steal silently through + the verdurous shadows._ + +_First Voice._ But you _have_ hit it, never-missing-One! + +_Second Voice._ For fulsome twaddle finds best check in Fun! + +_Mr. Punch_ (_with respectful heartiness_). What! Sweet-voiced SPENSER! + Chivalrous-souled SIDNEY!! + This _is_ a joy! For heroes of your kidney + PUNCH hath a heartier homage, as he hopes, + Than the most thundering Swinburnian tropes + Could all express! + +_Spenser_ (_smiling mildly_). ALGERNON's one of Us! + In fierce superlatives, and foam and fuss, + He deals o'ermuch, but proof lies in his page. + _He_'s of the true Parnassian lineage, + And should be Laureate--if he care to be so. + +_Sidney._ Would he but heed what HORACE wrote to PISO! + "The singing-skill of god APOLLO's giving" + Is his, however, and no lyrist living + Hath such a stretch of finger, or such tone. + +_Mr. Punch._ Faith, but he sings immortal Fames--your own, + My PHILIP, latest and not least--in strains + That thrill our nerves and mount into our brains. + If he would study less in GOSSON's "School" + (That of "Abuse," o'er which you laid the rule + In your "Defence of Poesy"), and stay + Less in dim Orcus than Arcadia, + Then--well, I might have well been spared this task. + SPENSER, _you_ penned _your own_; now may I ask + Epithalamion-recipes from you? + +_Spenser_ (_smiling_). Yes--when you need them! I was Laureate too! + There's enough inspiration in those faces +[_Pointing to portraits of the_ Duke of YORK _and the_ Princess MAY. + To bring the needful Muses, and the Graces, + All to your aid! + +_Mr. Punch._ By Jove! That "takes the cake." + You great Elizabethans had the knack + Of courtly compliment. Young GEORGE, fair MAY, + Shall have your _mot_ upon their marriage day, + As a choice wedding gift, to pair with mine! + +_Spenser and Sidney_ (_together_). What's that? + +_Mr. Punch_ (_politely_). One you may share, if you incline. + TOBIAS, hand the new-bound Oracle here! + Take it, brave SIDNEY, take it, SPENSER dear! + It may enliven e'en this amaranth shore; + It is my new + +VOLUME ONE HUNDRED AND FOUR!!! + + * * * * * + +"APPARENT FAILURE." + +["The Private View was not a success.... The dresses which we noticed +were very ordinary indeed."--_"Art Notes" in a Ladies' Paper._] + + NOT a success--for every toilet there + Was commonplace and stupid, more or less; + A fact which clearly made the whole affair, + Not a success. + + "Were not the pictures good?" Well, we confess + We know not, neither do we greatly care; + As writers for the fashionable Press, + Artistic knowledge falls not to our share; + We saw no novelties in hat or dress; + Therefore the Show is plainly, we declare, + "Not a success." + + * * * * * + +Illustration: "LIGHT AND LEADING." + + * * * * * + +"BANG WENT SAX-PENCE!"--_A propos_ of the New Coinage, the _Pall Mall +Gazette_ is our authority for saying, that "The design for the reverse +of the half-crown has been prepared by Mr. BROCK." BROCK is a name +hitherto associated in the popular mind with fireworks; and if the work +be entrusted to this cunning artificer, he will make the New Coinage go +off splendidly. He has, we believe, already submitted illuminated +designs to the QUEEN. + + *** + +THE KENDALS are announced to appear at the Avenue Theatre. They start +with _A White Lie_. This is the truth. Free admissions will not be heard +of, except when they give _A Scrap of Paper_. They are also going to +produce a new play entitled, _Prince Karatoff_. The plot, to judge by +the name, will be of interest to Vegetarians, as it is whispered that +the hero, _Prince Karatoff_, falls in love with _Princess Turnipon_. + + *** + +CURIOUSLY APPROPRIATE CONJUNCTION OF NAMES.--On Friday last the _Times_ +published an important letter on a certain fishery. The fish was the +Salmon, and the writer of the letter was FFENNELL. We do not remember +ever having seen Salmon on table without FFENNELL, which is a fanciful +way of spelling it. All information concerning Salmon may now be +obtained from a "FFENNELL source." + + * * * * * + +Illustration: THE SONG OF THE SHIRT. + +THE SONG OF THE SHIRT. + +(_Very Latest Version._) + +["There is a grievance which has taken hold in the last few years, under +which we are all groaning and complaining, without, as far as I can see, +any present remedy. I allude to the shameful way in which our linen is +destroyed and knocked about by the existing race of Washerwomen in the +Metropolis."--_M. J. G.'s Letter on "London Laundries," in the Daily +Telegraph._] + + With wristbands grubby and worn, + With collars ragged and frayed, + A man moaned over a shirt all rags, + Cursing the laundress trade. + "Scrub! Scrub! Scrub! + With lime for extracting the dirt; + With chemicals rot, and with wire-brushes rub!"-- + _That_'s the new Song of the Shirt. + + Buy! Buy! Buy! + Though I'm but a poor Clerk, with scant "oof," + Yet it's buy--buy--buy! + (My hosier's bills furnish full proof), + And it's O! to be a slave + To my Laundress, who's worse than a Turk. + I seldom look nice, and I never can save; + And this is woman's work! + + Rub! Rub! Rub! + Till they're rugged at edge and at rim; + Scrub! Scrub! Scrub! + Till with scissors the cuffs I must trim. + Seam, and gusset, and band, + Band, and gusset, and seam; + And all the buttonholes gape, and the studs + Drop out in a golden stream. + + O Men with sisters who wash, + With housewifely mothers or wives, + Who "do up" your linen, and _don't_ "put it out," + You lead endurable lives! + Wash--Starch--Iron! + _That_ may mean home dampness and dirt; + But at least your collars won't chafe your neck, + And you'll boast a wearable shirt! + + But why do I dream of soap, + Or of honest knuckle-bone? + Now most men's shirts come home in a shape + That's dreadfully like my own-- + That's dismally like my own, + Unless a home laundry they keep; + Great Scott! that shirts should be so dear, + And chloride and wire so cheap! + + Scrub! Scrub! Scrub! + The wire-brush never flags; + And what's the result? A collar that's rough, + And a front that's ever in rags! + That frayed-out wristband worries me sore, + It catches--and shows--the dirt. + And as for the collar!!!--I'll bet you a dollar + You've never one _clean_ to your shirt. + + Oh! but to breathe the breath + Of old country linen so sweet, + Wherein lavender was spread, + Which was dried on the grass at our feet! + For only one short week + To feel as I used to feel, + Before women washed with chloride of lime, + And scrubbed with brushes of steel! + + Oh! but for one short week + Of the good old-fashioned wash, + Before a laundry meant utter rot, + Lime, wax, and such chemical bosh! + A little swearing would ease my heart, + At that ogress, false, inhuman; + So to the papers a line I'll drop, + On the Modern Washerwoman! + + With fingers ready and fleet, + With features indignantly red, + A poor Clerk wrote of his linen in rags, + And this is what he said:-- + "Stitch! Stitch! Stitch! + Yet _I_ can't keep a decent shirt! + The thing has reached an unbearable pitch, + So--as an appeal to the poor and the rich-- + I sing the new Song of the Shirt!" + + * * * * * + +Illustration: EUPHEMISM. + +_Cab Tout (exasperated by the persistent attentions of Constable)._ + +"LOOK 'ERE, OLE LIGHTNIN'-KETCHER, W'ERE THE MISSIN' WORD ARE YER +SHOVIN' US TO?" + + * * * * * + +ROBERT ON THE GREAT QUESTION OF THE DAY. + +JOLLY old Crismus being cum round agen, as ushal, we had our +Crismus-Heve supper, as ushal, and henjoyed owrselves till a rayther +latish hour, as ushal. Upon cumpareing notes, we didn't find as we had +werry much to complane about, the grand and nobel old wirtue of +horsepitality perwailing much as ushal. + +Howsumdever, upon cumparin notes a second time as to the most poplar +subjecks of conwersashun at the warious Eleckshun Dinners, on Saint +Tommas' Day, or the day when the hole of the Common Counselmen has to go +to their Constittuents for to be elected--though what St. Tommas ewer +had to do with it I never could dishcover, no more can BROWN--we found +as they was amost all on 'em a torkin about sum grate change, as a lot +of outsiders called County Counsellors was a going for to try to get +made; the werry principellist being, BROWN said, that they might have +occashonal use of the Manshun Ouse, and so give grand Dinners to the +West-End Swells, and so get them to wote for their having jolly hansum +allowences with which to pay for 'em! But quiet ole JOE, who's one of +them rum fellers as don't say much, but thinks a deal, says, in his +quiet way, as how as it's werry much wus than that, for, from what a +werry ancient Deputty said, as he was a helping him to his jugged air, +he had werry little dowt but that County Counsellors was acshally a +going in for erbollishing the hold Copperashun altogether! if they can +git the Goverment to be fools enuff for to promise to 'elp 'em. And +then, from what he heard from others, they are a going to rob the nobel +and Charytable Liwery Companys of all the money as they spends so nobly; +and then, not contented with that, they are a going for to ask Parlyment +to give them the command of all the sixteen thowsand Policemen as there +is in the hole of London; and then, not content with that, they are a +going for to erbolish all the eight Water Companys, and manage it all +theirselves; and then, not content with that, they are a going to take +all the Meet Markets, and the Fish Markets, includin Ancient +Billingsgate, and the Fruit and Wegeral Markets; and then, just to fill +up sum of their lezzur time, they are a going to erbolish the Thames +Conserwaters, and manage the River theirselves; and then, as they think +as them little trifles ain't quite enuff for 'em, they are a going to +arsk to be aloud to take charge of all the Docks and Wharfs on the +River! And then, as they will naterally want plenty of emusement after +their ard work, they arsks to be aloud to take over the control of +All the London Theaters! + +I had a chat the other day with one of the LORD MARE's Footmen, as I +allers likes to go to the werry hiest orthorities, and he finished by +saying, most emfatically,--"Mr. ROBERT, I arsks you this simple +quesshun--If it takes about two hunderd and thirty gents to keep the +grand old Citty in the bootiful condishun as it allus is, and to keep us +all in the helthy condishun as we allus is, and with the remarkabel fine +happytites as we allus has, its size being ony one square mile, and our +number ony about fifty thowsand sleepers, and about ten times as many, +as cums ewery day to hearn their living, how is it possibel for a much +smaller number of Gents, with werry littel hexperiens, to do the same +with a plaice about a hunderd and twenty times as big, and with about +five millions of peepel in it? And you may trust what I says, for I had +it from our Chapling." + +"Why," I says, boldly, "I says at once as I don't beleeve as it's +posserbel for 'em to do a quorter of it." + +"Rite you are, Mr. ROBERT!" says he. And so we parted. + + ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +AT ANCIENT DRURY. + +DRURIOLANUS MAGNIFICUS has given us something gorgeous this year in "The +Hall of a Million Mirrors," the tenth Scene of his Pantomime entitled +_Little Bo-Peep, Little Red Riding Hood, and Hop o' My Thumb_, who are +three very small people,--"small by degrees and beautifully less"--to +make so big a Show. In the Hall of Mirrors appear all the well-known +representatives of ancient Nursery Rhymes, and all the heroes and +heroines of the universally familiar Fairy Stories. Down the Palace +stairs they come, group after group, until the Stage, even of Old Drury, +can hold no more, and there is scarcely room for them all to move, much +less to indulge in any "kicking up ahind and afore," as was the wont of +the Ancient JOSEPH, whose fame is hymned in Nigger Minstrelsy. A most +brilliant scene, never to be forgotten!--that is, until next Pantomime +Season, when Sir DRURIOLANUS will, in all probability, show us something +equally magnificent, and as perfect in design and colour. + +There is such a galaxy of talent, specially of Music-hall talent, with +the two MARIES, LOFTUS and LLOYD, the CAMPBELL of that ilk, comical DAN +LENO (who looks so comically Thin O), and the amusing Brothers +GRIFFITHS, but without the donkey, and with no quadruped to equal him, +though they do make beasts of themselves by appearing as wolves, who +will not be kept from the door of _Granny Green_, Mr. JOHN D'AUBAN, +utterly unrecognisable. Besides these is a Variety Show of other Stars, +including ever-graceful EMMA D'AUBAN, and Miss MABEL LOVE, of the +"skirts-so movement," both rightly reckoned in the programme as among +"the Immortals." Only one fault can be found with the Pantomime, and +that is, that there are too many brilliant Stars in it. They can't all +of them, each and severally, get an opportunity of showing how he or she +can shine in his or her own particular bright way; and so it happens +that the earliest scenes, which are less crowded, are the best for fun, +though in the latter, and specially in the one just preceding the +transformation, there is some capital comic business, and "LITTLE TICH" +is at his best in his burlesque of the Skirt Dance. We wonder that this +clever diminutive person has never appeared as "_the_ Claimant _par +excellence_." But perhaps his name is not "TICH" at all, and so, on his +first appearance on the world's stage, he was not a "_Tich-born_." + +The _Extravaganza_ portion of the Pantomime--formerly styled the +"Opening"--gave us great pleasure, and the two "Comic Scenes"--(what are +all the preceding ones? Are CAMPBELL, LENO, WILLIAMS, and "LITTLE TICH," +all tragedians?)--gave us Great PAYNE--yclept HARRY PAYNE, the good old +Conservative "JOEY." + +If the possibilities, "_per variation et mutation_" of gorgeous modern +Pantomime, are exhausted--"which," as EUCLID observes, "is +impossible"--except we may "add a rider" (as the Clown in the Circle +might observe) that Pantomime is, in itself, a _reductio ad +absurdum_--then, perchance, Sir DRURIOLANUS MAGNIFICUS may give us next +Christmas a Shorter Opening, say ten Scenes, to be followed by six +Harlequinade Scenes, treating, by way of "Review," all the leading +topics of Ninety-Three. _Nous verrons_--at least, such is our hope. And +so a Prosperous New Year to Sir DRURIOLANUS, and all his works. + + * * * * * + +NOVEL, BUT NOT NEW. + +(_A Story of Romance in Town and Country._) + +SCENE I.--_Publisher's Sanctum._ Amateur Author _discovered + in consultation with_ Enterprising Publisher. + +_Enterprising Publisher._ Yes, my dear Sir, I think, if you pay all the +expenses, we can see our way to giving _An Oppressed Ophelia_ a chance. + +_Amateur Author._ You would not take a small risk? + +_Ent. Publisher._ Why no, my dear Sir. I do not see how _An Oppressed +Ophelia_ can be made a safe investment without your entire assistance. +Possibly we may treat about your next novel, which I understand you to +say is called _An English Hamlet_, on other terms. In the meanwhile, let +us hope that _An Oppressed Ophelia_ will be successful. + + [_Exeunt_ Author _and_ Publisher _severally._ + +SCENE II.--_The Same. Three months have passed._ Publisher _and_ + Author _are discovered discussing the situation._ + +_Author (gloomily)._ And so you say that _An Oppressed Ophelia_ is a +dead failure? + +_Publisher (more cheerfully)._ Yes, my dear Sir, but do not be +distressed. Thanks to my foresight, and your acquiescence in a +business-like arrangement, my firm has lost nothing by the transaction. + +_Author (dryly)._ That I can readily understand! Well, I suppose you +have plenty of copies you can give back to me? + +_Publisher._ Well, scarcely. You see the Londoners did not take up your +book very warmly; but we have made an arrangement to dispose of the rest +of the issue in the country at a considerable reduction. + +_Author._ And _An English Hamlet_? + +_Publisher._ We shall be glad to produce on the same terms! + + [_Exeunt_ Author _and_ Publisher _severally._ + +SCENE III.--_Interior of the Circulating Library at + Slocum-Pogis-on-the-Stodge._ Author _and_ Female Librarian + _discovered_. + +_Author._ Well, if you haven't got the popular novels I have already +mentioned, I will have a book by RIDER HAGGARD, STEVENSON, MEREDITH, or +RUDYARD KIPLING. + +_Librarian._ All out, Sir. Won't you have something else? + +_Author._ Well, an amusing volume of travels or recollections. Can you +recommend one? + +_Librarian._ We did have several books of that kind in the Season, Sir, +but just now our stock is a little low. + +_Author (nettled)._ Why, I don't believe you have a book in the shop. +You seem to be out of everything! + +_Librarian._ Oh, yes, we have, Sir. Here, for instance, is one of this +year's novels. It's called _An Oppressed Ophelia_. + +_Author (pleased)._ Oh, you have got that, have you? + +_Librarian._ Got it! Why, the whole place is full of them! To tell you +the truth, Sir, it came down by mistake. We ordered books by BLACK, +MEREDITH, STEVENSON, and the rest of them, and they sent us back, by +accident, I suppose, a dozen copies of _An Oppressed Ophelia_. If you +would like it, Sir, I will look you out a copy with some of the leaves +cut. + +_Author (shortly)._ No, thankee, I've read it! + + [_Exit._ + +_Librarian._ Dear me, what an odd gentleman! He's the first as has +read _An Oppressed Ophelia_, although I have had it in the shop +these six months! + + [_Scene closes in upon her astonishment._ + + * * * * * + +Illustration: A Man of Letters. + + *** + +Illustration: "Question time." + + *** + +Illustration: The "Seasonable" Lawyer. + + *** + +"SOME TALK OF ALEXANDER." + +If my memory serves me faithfully, the above heading is a quotation from +the first verse of "_The British Grenadiers_," and is peculiarly +applicable just now to the Lessee of the St. James's Theatre, Mr. GEORGE +ALEXANDER, who has got a decided success in the original Comedy, written +by Mr. R. C. CARTON, entitled _Liberty Hall_, an excellent and a +catching name, that perhaps might have been better bestowed on a larger +picture. To play with "reserved force" until the passionate moment +arrives, is all that Mr. ALEXANDER has to do; but this he does +admirably, never under-acting, never over-acting, always as natural as a +quiet gentleman, of a peculiarly romantic turn of mind, yet with a keen +but chastened appreciation of a practical joke, kept all to himself for +five months, should be. Had he been compelled by circumstances to +sustain the _alias_, and to continue playing the part of a _Burchell_ in +GOLDSMITH's _Vicar of Wakefield_ for one month longer, could he have +done it? However, as the piece has "caught on," it may be that Mr. +ALEXANDER will have to play the part of _Mr. Burchell alias Owen_ for +even longer than half a year; and, as he selected the piece, and as he +plays this part excellently, it is mainly owin' to ALEXANDER that the +piece is payin.' Mr. BEN WEBSTER is good as the somewhat +gentlemanly-caddish mixture called _The Hon. Gould Harringay_. Mr. +NUTCOMBE GOULD, as a Family Solicitor, deeply interests everybody in the +First Act; "and then," like _Macbeth's_ "poor player,"--which Mr. N. G. +isn't, far from it,--"is heard no more." Perhaps, during the Pantomime +season, he might re-appear at the finish with a slight addition to his +head-gear, as intimated in this little sketch of him, when he could +observe confidentially to the audience, "Here we are again!" But this is +only a hint, to the practical use of which, Mr. GOULD, by the kind +permission of Mr. ALEXANDER, is heartily welcome. + +Capital is Miss FANNY COLEMAN as the housekeeper and maid-of-all-work; +and, in the small part of _Todman's_ shop-boy, Master RICHARD SAKER +shows that, as _Mr. Wardle_ said of _Mr. Tupman_, when he brought down +the birds with his eyes shut, he is "an older hand at this than we +thought for." If he works at his profession, he will show himself "a +wise-SAKER." Mr. HOLLES and Miss AILSA CRAIG, in two very small but +strongly-marked character-parts, add to the general efficiency of an +exceptionally complete cast. Miss MAUDE MILLETT makes the indiscreet +_Amy Chilworth_ a very sweet person, but it is Miss MARION TERRY who has +in her hands the one strong dramatic situation at the end of the Third +Act. It is a situation which, no matter what might have been the +author's conception of it, depends for its effect solely and only on the +actress; and Miss MARION TERRY, as she sits, rises to the occasion. It +is long since Mr. RIGHTON has had such a part as that of _Todman_, the +quaint little old-fashioned bookshop-keeper, and to this quite +Dickensian character, the actor does thorough justice; as also does Mr. +H. VINCENT to the somewhat highly coloured blusterous part of +_Briginshaw_. Mr. ALEXANDER commences the new year well. "_Prosit!_" +chirps THE CRITIC OFF THE HEARTH. + + *** + +Illustration: "Put a penny in the hat, and the figure will work." + + * * * * * + +A MOAN OF MERRY CHRISTMAS. + +(_By Our Own Dismal Dyspeptic._) + + Oh, Christmas is a season when this melancholy earth + Has to put on the appearance of ungovernable mirth-- + When you substitute a chuckle for your ordinary sigh, + And you give each other presents that you can't afford to buy-- + When the little boys with snowballs are so shockingly unkind, + And improve on the occasion to attack you from behind-- + When the mistletoe its terrors at the bashful person hurls, + And you have to kiss a number of unpleasant-looking girls! + + Oh, Christmas is a season when the children make a row, + And you have to bear it patiently--although you don't know how-- + When they will not let you slumber in your comfortable chair, + But crawl and tumble over you and ruffle up your hair-- + When TOM and DICK are home from school with all their nasty tricks, + And have terrific combats with a pair of single-sticks-- + When Auntie comes to stay with us, and always takes their parts. + And you smile a sickly smile, and murmur, "_Bless_ their little hearts!" + + Oh, Christmas is a season when the beef is very fat, + (And it turns me topsy-turvey at the simple thought of that!)-- + When it seems as if your relatives could never eat enough, + And you have to look contented as you sit and watch them stuff-- + When they give you Christmas pudding, and consider it a treat, + Though they know that you are feeling far too bilious to eat-- + When the very house reverberates with tradesmen's constant knocks, + As they call in quick succession to demand a Christmas-box! + + Oh, Christmas is a season, when I long to sit alone, + In some clean and quiet garret, I can really call my own; + Where no Christmas Cards can reach me with their idiotic rhymes-- + Where I never hear of HARRIS, and his splendid Pantomimes. + Where the turkey and the goose would feel distinctly out of place, + Where no pallid pie of mincemeat, dares to look me in the face; + Where I don't see coloured plates from Christmas Numbers on the wall, + Where, in fact, I can forget that it is Christmas-time at all! + + * * * * * + +Illustration: A REMINISCENCE. + +_Aunt Molly_ (_on hospitable thoughts intent_). "YOU SHALL HAVE _THIS_ +BEDROOM, MIKE--THE SAME THAT YOU HAD LAST CHRISTMAS!" + +_Mike._ "OH, NOT _THAT_ BEDROOM, AUNT MOLLY!--IT'S CHOKE FULL OF +_DREAMS_!" + + * * * * * + +THE FRENCH "SERPENTINE DANCE" + OR, PAS DE PANAMA. + + The Minuet's cold and modish grace, + Delirium of the Carmagnole, + Fair France has known. How will she pace + _This_ frantic dance, and to what goal? + Beginning in triumphant sport, + She's tremulous now, with terror cold. + The whirl so dizzies, she breathes short; + The serpent spirals seem to fold + Laocoon-like about her limbs. + Tarantula-bitten victims so + Whirl madly. Shrinks her head and swims; + This is not glory's ardent glow, + But fever's hectic, herald sure + Of dread corruption, if unstayed. + Dance on the footing insecure + Of the keen edge of War's red blade, + Rather than this mad dervish spin, + Drunk with that poison-breath; + The music is the devil's din, + The dance--the modern Dance of Death! + + * * * * * + +Illustration: THE FRENCH "SERPENTINE DANCE;" +OR, PAS DE PANAMA. + + * * * * * + +LATEST FROM "THE GILBERT ISLANDS."--Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN will probably +stay in these islands while writing his new Opera. If successful, these +islands will then be annexed by Manager D'OYLY CARTE under the style and +title of "The Gilbert and Sullivan Islands." + + * * * * * + +ON A NEW YEAR'S CARD. + +["With kind regards and best wishes for 1893, from Mr. and +Mrs. T. BROWN-SMITH and family."] + + FROM TOM! It's thirty years ago + Or more, since, destined to talk Tamil, he + Set sail for foreign lands. And so + To-day he boasts a wife and family. + + Yes, TOM and I were chums at school, + The Matron--how we used to fool her! + We broke the very self-same rule, + We felt the very self-same ruler. + + We gladly in those classic groves + Accepted all the Fates provided, + And even in our school-boy loves + We did not care to be divided. + + Three years at Cambridge--where we spent + Our money, "linked in friendly tether," + Three years that all too quickly went, + Then _we_ went down, and went together. + + Next year 'twas TOM who went abroad; + He vowed that he'd be married--never! + But I was then engaged to MAUDE, + To MAUDE, who swore to love me ever. + + Perhaps she kept her plighted word-- + But, if she did, she chose as funny + A way as I have ever heard-- + She married Some One Else and Money. + + Maybe she did not feel inclined + To risk the bread-and-cheese and kisses, + Or else her calculating mind + Preferred "Her Ladyship" to "Mrs." + + So I'm unmarried to this day, + And live without the great felicity + Which, as TOM used of old to say, + Can't fail to wait on domesticity. + + That joy is his alone, not mine, + Misogynist he liked to call himself, + Whilst I thought every girl divine-- + Yet TOM has been the first to fall himself. + + I've missed the sweets of married life, + The bills, the coos, and all the rest of it! + I cannot boast, like TOM, a wife, + I wonder, tho', who's got the best of it? + + Fair MAUDE, I willingly allow + I thought my heart for ever riven. + It wasn't so at all, and now + Your Ladyship is quite forgiven. + + And TOM, old friend--tried, trusty, true, + Across the seas these lines will carry + All New-Year greetings, TOM, to you + And yours, from Yours, as ever, HARRY. + + * * * * * + +Should there be a hard frost, lady-skaters in Hyde Park will be able to +give quite a new turn to the "Serpentine Dance." + + * * * * * + +CRINOLINE is gradually coming in again. She re-enters to the air of +"_Steel so gently o'er Me steeling_." + + * * * * * + +Montagu Williams. + +BORN, 1834. DIED, DEC. 23, 1892. + +["He will be missed far more by lawyers and the world at large than many +men who hold more important offices in his profession."--_The Times._] + + Companions of his ardent youth, + Or comrades of his riper years; + The poor who felt his kindly ruth, + And mourn him with unpurchased tears; + Men of the world whose mordant sense + Shorn of all maudlin sentiment + Seemed the sharp touchstone of pretence; + Soft hearts on swift world-bettering bent, + All miss, all mourn the man whom all + Responsive found to each high call. + + Old long-dead days of boisterous mirth, + Far dim-seen hours of arduous fight + When gaiety possessed the earth, + When morning felt no fear of night; + School-form, field, footlights, club! _Eheu + Fugaces!_ These, indeed, are fled, + But thoughts of dashing MONTAGU, + That dauntless soul now lying dead, + After long fight with pitiless pain + Make the old memories live again. + + Before the triumphs of the Court, + Before the honours of the Bench, + Wild days there were of toil and sport, + Long ere our brows had learned to blench + At threatenings of the first grey hair. + Ah! cordial comrade, champion stout, + The fierce ordeal you had to bear + Is ended; fortune's final flout + Has fallen, and that gallant breast + Is still at last in well-earned rest. + + It was your happy lot to blend + Sound brain and sympathetic heart; + The loyal service of a friend, + With worldly wisdom keen and tart. + Shrewd advocate and councillor keen, + You knew the world, yet pitied it; + Compassion mild, not cynic spleen + Tempered the edge of caustic wit. + Farewell! It dims much pomp and state, + _Your_ title--"Poor Man's Magistrate!" + + * * * * * + +AN IDYLL OF THE CROWD. + +(_A Tip (after Tennyson) to Tory Topsawyers._) + + Come down, O Scribe, from yonder sniffy height; + What pleasure lives in "sniff" (the Councillor sang), + In sniff and scorn, the weakness of the "swells"? + But cease to move so near the clouds, and cease + To sit a votary of the "Great Pooh-Pooh"; + And come, for Labour's in the valley, come, + For Toil dwells in the valley, come thou down + And watch him; by the dim slum threshold, he, + Or hand in hand with poverty in the docks, + Or black with stithy-swartness by the forge, + Or troll-like in the mine; nor cares to walk + With Wealth and Fashion in the parks and squares; + But _follow!_ Come thou down, and let the cold + Cramp-headed cynics yelp alone, and leave + The mugwump scoffers there to shape and sleek + Their thousand paragraphs of acrid joke + That like a squirting fountain waste in air: + So waste thou not; but come; for hunger pale + Awaits thee; haggard pillars of the hearth + Appeal to thee; slum children call, and now + The Crowd's astir, with every man a Vote + To give him voice, and in that voice you'll hear + Myriads of "movements" hurrying into "laws," + The moan of men at immemorial ills, + And murmuring of innumerable shes. + + * * * * * + +MY LANDSCAPE. + + Calm sea, the mirror of a cloudless sky, + Blue mountains, in the purple distance fading, + Tall, dark-hued pines, through which faint zephyrs sigh, + A garden shading. + + A view that might inspire a poet's voice, + Or minstrel's lute to sweetest music waken-- + I came to paint this subject of my choice; + My place was taken! + + I muttered angry words between my teeth; + I could not see the features of _la bella_, + I only saw a dress and cloak beneath + A great umbrella. + + Perhaps some girl, her hair a touzled mop, + Plain-featured, round in shoulder, unpoetic, + With hygienic boots that flatly flop-- + Old style aesthetic. + + I came a little closer, just to see. + Ye gods, her looks and form were not alarming! + A graceful, sweet-faced, dainty maiden she, + Completely charming. + + The landscape that I loved was what she drew. + I felt my coolness towards her quickly thawing; + I also stayed to sketch that charming view-- + Here is my drawing. + +Illustration: MY LANDSCAPE. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: "SIC ITUR." + + *** + +"SIC ITUR." + + The Old Year flits, the New Year comes, + And, through such severance, man contrives + To parcel out in little sums + The little measurements of lives. + We feign the one a different year, + Outworn, by solemn bells outrung-- + The other, foundling of our sphere, + As radiant, innocent, and young. + + Farewell! we cry, to Ninety-Two, + Its lapses and encompassings, + We bid them all a fond adieu, + And fix our gaze on fresher things; + What has not been we dream will be, + The wounds will heal, the flaws will mend, + And hopes be born of Ninety-Three + That older, cherished hopes transcend. + + It is not thus; Time mocks at pause, + In march continual onward goes; + Th' unfailing progress of his laws, + No respite nor effacement knows; + This year is but the force of last, + Not something new to mortal ken; + Heredity's enchainment vast + Enthrals the moments as the men. + + Yet welcome still, our childish trust, + Which breathes a truth that Science mars; + Our ladder, based upon the dust, + Mounts ever nearer steadfast stars; + And, though the rungs be still the same, + The glimpses, as we strive to rise, + Are, 'spite our mists of sin and shame, + More closely neighbouring the skies. + + * * * * * + +MIXED NOTIONS. + +No. III.--PANAMA. + + SCENE, _and persons as before--namely, two_ Well-informed + Men, _an_ Inquirer, _and an_ AVERAGE MAN, _travelling up + together in a suburban morning-train to London._ + +_First Well-informed Man._ Jolly old mess they seem to have got into in +Paris over this Panama business. I see they arrested half-a-dozen more +of them yesterday. + +_Second W. I. M._ Yes--and they haven't done yet. I knew, months and +months ago, the crash must come. That French chap, LAMPION told me all +about it. He says it'll bust up the Republic before they've done with +it. + +_First W. I. M._ And a good thing too. That kind of corruption only +flourishes under a Republican form of government. They want a strong man +in France, that's what they want. + +_Average Man._ I don't believe much in your strong men. I suppose the +last Emperor was a pretty fair specimen; but they seem to have had some +high old ramps under him, too. Besides, look at Russia. + +_First W. I. M._ You can't bring Russia forward as an example. + +_Second W. I. M._ Of course not. Russia don't count. + +_A. M._ Why not? I don't suppose you can make a man much stronger than +the CZAR; but, if we're to believe what we're told, the whole place is +honeycombed with corruption. Why--(_to_ First W. I. M.)--you were saying +yourself, only the other day, that Russia was corrupt to the core. + +_First W. I. M._ Oh, but I was speaking of something quite different. +Russia is a country _per se_. + +_Inquirer._ I thought Russia was an Autocracy. + +_First W. I. M._ It's the same thing. + +_Second W. I. M._ (_after a pause_). Well, anyhow, we in England haven't +done anything of the kind. You can't deny that. + +_A. M._ No, we haven't done anything quite on the same scale lately, I +admit that. But we've done our best with worthless mines, and bogus +Companies of all kinds, and financial papers, and Building Societies. +Seems to me we've no right to chuck stones at poor old LESSEPS. + +_Inquirer._ Is that the same old chap who did something in Egypt some +years ago? + +_Second W. I. M._ (_smiling, and superior_). Yes, the very same. He made +the Suez Canal. + +_Inquirer._ Of course--so he did. That was what we went to the Soudan +for, wasn't it? + +_Second W. I. M._ (_dubiously_). Well, it had something to do with it, +of course. As we'd got four million pounds' worth of shares in the +Canal, we couldn't afford to see it upset. And then (_brightening_) +there was the Dual Control. That was really at the bottom of the whole +business. + +_Inquirer._ The Dual Control? I don't remember what that was. + +_Second W. I. M._ Why, don't you remember ARABI setting himself up +against the KHEDIVE? Well, naturally, we couldn't stand the two of them +playing their games there; so we just had to nip in, and smash old +ARABI. + +_Inquirer._ Of course, I remember the whole business now; Khartoum, and +the MAHDI, and all the rest of it. [_A pause._ + +_Inquirer_ (_returning to the charge_). I wonder why they called it the +Panama Canal? + +_First W. I. M._ Why shouldn't they? It happens to be its name. + +_Inquirer._ Yes, I know that's its name now. But why call it after a +straw hat? + +_First W. I. M._ (_amazed_). After a _what_? + +_Inquirer._ After a straw hat. + +_First W. I. M._ (_calmly, but firmly_). It isn't called after a straw +hat. The straw hat's called after it. That's all. + +_Inquirer_ (_dogged, and unconvinced_). Well, anyhow, I know I bought a +Panama hat last summer--and deuced expensive it was, too. + +_First W. I. M._ My dear boy, it was made in Panama. Panama's a place. + +_Inquirer._ Well, I'm dashed! I never knew that. But what on earth do +they want a Canal there for? + +_First W. I. M._ Oh, well, I'm bound to admit it would be a convenience. +Just think how it would shorten the sea-route. Instead of having to go +all the way round Cape What's-his-name--what _is_ that blessed Cape's +name? + +_Second W. I. M._ (_tentatively_). Cape of Good Hope? + +_First W. I. M._ No, no--they're building the Nicaragua Canal for that. +Cape--Cape--why, dash it, I shall be forgetting my own name next! + +_Inquirer_ (_brilliantly_). Capricorn. + +_First W. I. M._ Yes, that's it! Well, instead of having to go all round +Cape Ricorn, all we've got to do is to sail to Panama, and--(_impotently +concluding_)--there we are! + +_Second W. I. M._ Ah, but I don't think they'll ever finish it. + +_First W. I. M._ I'm not so sure about that; but, of course, the French +couldn't do it. + +_Second W. I. M._ Of course not. [_Terminus._ + + * * * * * + +Illustration: "CREDE EXPERTO." + +_Q.C._ "YES; I LIKE THE ARMY AS A PROFESSION. I MEAN TO PUT MY SON INTO +IT." + +_Little Snooks_ (_who was Gazetted the week before last_). "AH, YOU TAKE +THE ADVICE OF A MAN WHO KNOWS ALL ABOUT IT--AND _DON'T!_" + + * * * * * + +VERY CIVIL LAW. + +(_With Mr. Punch's Compliments to the London County Council._) + + SCENE--_The Interior of the Court under the Patronage of the + London County Council._ Judge, _appointed according to the + popular view, discovered in the act of passing sentence._ + +_Judge._ Prisoner in the dock, or I should say, my good friend--for are +we not all liable to err?--I have no wish to increase the natural +embarrassment of your position. I am here, as you know, to dispense +judgment. This I tell you judicially. I am, when I make this statement, +merely the mouthpiece of the Law. In my private capacity, I am deeply +sorry for you. + +_Prisoner_ (_much affected_). Thank you kindly, Sir. + +_Judge._ My dear friend, I feel for your misfortunes. I make every +allowance for them. By the Statute under whose provisions both of us are +here, I notice that I have the power to sentence you to seven years' +penal servitude. + +_Prisoner_ (_startled_). Seven years! But you ain't going to do it? + +_Judge._ My dear friend, I will do nothing that is unjust. + +_Prisoner_ (_angrily_). You'd better not, or you'll 'ear of it again! + +_Judge._ I hope, I do hope that is not intended as a threat! My object +is to treat you courteously, and even considerately, but, as I have +already remarked, the Law is, in fact, the Law. Although I represent the +London County Council to a very large extent, still I am a Member of the +Bar, and, by virtue of my office, a gentleman. Under these +circumstances, I shall only be doing my duty--painful as its performance +may be--when I sentence you to be kept in penal servitude for seven +years. + +_Prisoner_ (_indignantly_). What, seven years! Why, you---- + + [_Scene closes in hurriedly upon a flood of language more + forcible than polite. Curtain._ + + * * * * * + +Illustration: THE GRAND OLD PRINTER. + +SEVERAL REPORTS HAVE APPEARED IN THE PAPERS ABOUT THE PRINTING OF THE +NEW HOME-RULE BILL BY AN OLD EXPERIENCED HAND WORKING IN SECRET. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: AN UNDERGROUND SELL. + +_First Passenger._ "THEY SAY THEY'VE PUT ON DETECTIVES 'ERE, TO CATCH +COVES AS TRAVELS WITHOUT TICKETS." + +_Second Passenger._ "'AVE THEY? WELL, ALL I CAN SAY IS, _I_ CAN TRAVEL +AS OFTEN AS I LIKE FROM CANNON STREET TO VICTORIA, AND NOT PAY A +'APENNY!" + +_Detective._ "SEE HERE MATE; I'LL GIVE YOU HALF-A-CROWN IF YOU TELL ME +HOW YOU DO IT." + +_Second Passenger_ (_after pocketing the Half-Crown_). "WELL,--WHEN I +WANTS TO GIT FROM CANNON STREET TO VICTORIA WITHOUT PAYIN'--_I WALKS!_" + + * * * * * + +"CUT AND COME AGAIN." + +The Annual New-Year's Dinner of Anti-Vivisectionists took place +yesterday. The following was the _menu_:-- + + Oysters--eaten alive. + + Turtle Soup--the Turtle having been exhibited for several days + previously in a Confectioner's window. + + Stewed Eels--chopped up wriggling. + + Lobsters--boiled alive. + + Prawns--ditto ditto. + + Curried Rabbit--trapped. + + Pates de Foies Gras. + + Roast Pork--Prize Pig, suffocated at a show. + + Roast Veal--Calf bled to death to secure an elegant whiteness. + + * * * * * + +PROBLEM.--At the stranding-of-the-_Howe_ trial there appeared a +Witness, whose official position, it appears, is "Hydrographer of the +Navy." What is a hydrographer? clearly, by derivation, "a drawer of +water." But a ship also "draws water." Therefore, logically, a +Hydrographer is a ship. But a ship is never put into a witness-box, +where it would be quite at sea, but in the dock, where it could be quite +at home. "Truly," writes our Puzzled Correspondent, "there is a muddle +somewhere." _Q. E. D._ + + * * * * * + +A CHEERFUL INVESTMENT.--A Laughing-Stock. + + * * * * * + +SAFE PREDICTIONS FOR THE YEAR. + +Someone will write about the extraordinary characteristic of the Season, +whether it be warm or cold. + +There will be a Political Crisis in Paris on the average of once in +every six weeks. + +The German Emperor will continue his tours, to the great inconvenience +of the Crowned Heads he favours with a visit. + +Mr. GLADSTONE will lecture, write articles to the Magazines, fell trees, +and govern the country, as per usual. + +Someone will get a trifle tired of Home Rule, the Channel Tunnel, and +General BOOTH. + +A few persons will leave Europe for America, to see the Chicago +Exhibition. + +A crowd (more or less) will attend the Oxford and Cambridge Boat-race, +the Derby, and the Private View at the Royal Academy. + +Mrs. SMITH (after having been presented by My Lady BROWN) will present +Miss SMITH, Miss ELFRIDA SMITH, and Miss VICTORIA ALEXANDRA SMITH, at +Her MAJESTY'S Drawing-Room. + +Mr. and Mrs. PORTLAND SNOOKS will give a dinner-party, which will be +reported in the Society papers. + +The First Nights at the Lyceum will be amongst the features of the +Season. + +There will be several failures at the Theatres, and also a success +or two. + +There will be half a dozen full-dress debates in the House of Commons, +and as many important divisions. + +The "Popular Budget" is sure, with some people, to be exceedingly +unpopular. + +The London County Council and the School Board will be censured by +the Press. + +There will be any number of railway "accidents," and avoidable "deaths +by misadventure." + +It will be discovered that the British Army is a myth, and that the +British Navy is a snare and a delusion. + +Parliament will be up in time for the partridges, even if a little late +for the grouse. + +Everyone will praise the United Kingdom as the land of the tourist, and +promptly go abroad. + +A subject of deep domestic importance will be discussed in the columns +devoted to correspondence in the daily papers during the Silly Season. + +A new Author will be discovered, and spring into great popularity with +the Publishers, if not with the Public. + +Out of every hundred novels, ten per cent. will be absorbed by the +London Libraries, and the remainder carted off to the "Circulating Book +Emporiums" at the seaside. + +A new Magazine will be started, to supply a want hitherto unsuspected. + +Someone will write his experiences, and expect someone else to +read them. + +The children (periodically) will return to school after the holidays, +and "men" will go to Oxford and Cambridge, as occasion requires. + +Calls to the Bar by the Benchers of the Inns of Court will add +materially to the numbers of the Unemployed. + +Several social failures will go to the Colonies, and (like a bad +shilling) return again. + +Professor JONES will call black white, while Professor ROBINSON +insists that it is grey. + +There will be bags on the moors, and sales at the poulterers'. + +The Christmas Numbers will be prepared in May and published in October. + +The Divorce Court will be open for the Season, and the Season will amply +avail itself of the opportunity. + +The year will pass in less than no time, and the Yule-tide greetings +will be heard, as it were, shortly after Easter. + + * * * * * + +Illustration: Going with the Times. + + * * * * * + +SUBJECT FOR FANCY PICTURE.--Fined five shillings for swearing. A bench +of Magisterial Salmon from the River Tees, after considerable +consultation, deciding that they cannot pass over the Dinsdale Dam, but +admitted that it was quite allowable for a ladylike Salmon to say to the +river, "O you Tees!" + + * * * * * + +"THE _PRESENT_ TIMES."--Christmas and New Year. + + * * * * * + +NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed +Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be +returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, +Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume +104, January 7, 1893, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, JANUARY 7, 1893 *** + +***** This file should be named 26385.txt or 26385.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/2/6/3/8/26385/ + +Produced by Neville Allen, Juliet Sutherland and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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