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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 104,
+January 7, 1893, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 104, January 7, 1893
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Francis Burnand
+
+Release Date: August 21, 2008 [EBook #26385]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, JANUARY 7, 1893 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, Juliet Sutherland and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  PUNCH,
+
+  OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+  VOLUME 104.
+
+  JANUARY 7th 1893.
+
+
+LONDON: PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, AND SOLD BY ALL
+BOOKSELLERS.
+
+1893.
+
+LONDON: BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS, WHITEFRIARS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PREFACE
+
+SCENE--_The Elysian Fields, a flower-gemmed bank, by a flowing stream,
+beneath the sylvan shade of unfading foliage._ Mr. PUNCH--_who is free
+of all places, from Fleet Street to Parnassus--discovered, in Arcadian
+attire, attempting "numerous verse" on a subject of National
+importance--to wit, the approaching Royal Marriage._
+
+_Mr. Punch._ Propt on this "bank of amaranth and moly,"
+    Beneath the shade of boughs _un_melancholy,
+    I meditate on Æstas and on Hymen!
+    Pheugh! _What_ a Summer! Torrid drought doth try men,--
+    And fields and farms; yet when our Royal MAY
+    Weds--in July--'tis fit that Phoebus stay
+    His fiery car to welcome her! By Jove,
+    That sounds Spenserian! Illustrious Love
+    Epithalamion demands, and lo!
+    We've no official Laureate, to let flow,
+    With Tennysonian dignity and sweetness,
+    Courtly congratulation. DRYDEN's neatness,
+    Even the gush of NAHUM TATE or PYE
+    Are not available, so PUNCH must try
+    His unofficial pen. My tablets, TOBY!
+    This heat's enough to give you hydrophoby!
+    Talk about Dog-days! Is that nectar iced?
+    Then just one gulp! It beats the highest priced
+    And creamiest champagne. Now, silence, Dog,
+    And let me give my lagging Muse a jog!
+
+  [_Writes, with one eye on the portraits of the_ Duke of YORK
+    _and the_ Princess MAY, _the other on the iced nectar-cup._
+
+    Humph! I do hope the happy Royal Pair
+    (Whose counterfeit presentments front me there,
+    Inspiring, in young manhood and frank beauty)
+    Will think their Laureate hath fulfilled his duty,
+    His labour of most loyal love, discreetly.
+    Compliments delicate, piled not sickly-sweetly,
+    Like washy WARTON's, nor so loud thrasonical--
+    Like Glorious JOHN's--that they sound half ironical!
+    'Tis hard indeed for loyal love to hit
+    The medium just 'twixt sentiment and wit----
+
+  [TOBY _barks, and a mellifluous voice soundeth, courteously
+    intervenient, as two splendid Shades steal silently through
+    the verdurous shadows._
+
+_First Voice._ But you _have_ hit it, never-missing-One!
+
+_Second Voice._ For fulsome twaddle finds best check in Fun!
+
+_Mr. Punch_ (_with respectful heartiness_). What! Sweet-voiced SPENSER!
+        Chivalrous-souled SIDNEY!!
+    This _is_ a joy! For heroes of your kidney
+    PUNCH hath a heartier homage, as he hopes,
+    Than the most thundering Swinburnian tropes
+    Could all express!
+
+_Spenser_ (_smiling mildly_). ALGERNON's one of Us!
+    In fierce superlatives, and foam and fuss,
+    He deals o'ermuch, but proof lies in his page.
+    _He_'s of the true Parnassian lineage,
+    And should be Laureate--if he care to be so.
+
+_Sidney._ Would he but heed what HORACE wrote to PISO!
+    "The singing-skill of god APOLLO's giving"
+    Is his, however, and no lyrist living
+    Hath such a stretch of finger, or such tone.
+
+_Mr. Punch._ Faith, but he sings immortal Fames--your own,
+    My PHILIP, latest and not least--in strains
+    That thrill our nerves and mount into our brains.
+    If he would study less in GOSSON's "School"
+    (That of "Abuse," o'er which you laid the rule
+    In your "Defence of Poesy"), and stay
+    Less in dim Orcus than Arcadia,
+    Then--well, I might have well been spared this task.
+    SPENSER, _you_ penned _your own_; now may I ask
+    Epithalamion-recipes from you?
+
+_Spenser_ (_smiling_). Yes--when you need them! I was Laureate too!
+    There's enough inspiration in those faces
+[_Pointing to portraits of the_ Duke of YORK _and the_ Princess MAY.
+    To bring the needful Muses, and the Graces,
+    All to your aid!
+
+_Mr. Punch._ By Jove! That "takes the cake."
+    You great Elizabethans had the knack
+    Of courtly compliment. Young GEORGE, fair MAY,
+    Shall have your _mot_ upon their marriage day,
+    As a choice wedding gift, to pair with mine!
+
+_Spenser and Sidney_ (_together_). What's that?
+
+_Mr. Punch_ (_politely_). One you may share, if you incline.
+    TOBIAS, hand the new-bound Oracle here!
+    Take it, brave SIDNEY, take it, SPENSER dear!
+    It may enliven e'en this amaranth shore;
+    It is my new
+
+VOLUME ONE HUNDRED AND FOUR!!!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"APPARENT FAILURE."
+
+["The Private View was not a success.... The dresses which we noticed
+were very ordinary indeed."--_"Art Notes" in a Ladies' Paper._]
+
+  NOT a success--for every toilet there
+    Was commonplace and stupid, more or less;
+  A fact which clearly made the whole affair,
+        Not a success.
+
+  "Were not the pictures good?" Well, we confess
+    We know not, neither do we greatly care;
+  As writers for the fashionable Press,
+    Artistic knowledge falls not to our share;
+  We saw no novelties in hat or dress;
+    Therefore the Show is plainly, we declare,
+        "Not a success."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: "LIGHT AND LEADING."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"BANG WENT SAX-PENCE!"--_À propos_ of the New Coinage, the _Pall Mall
+Gazette_ is our authority for saying, that "The design for the reverse
+of the half-crown has been prepared by Mr. BROCK." BROCK is a name
+hitherto associated in the popular mind with fireworks; and if the work
+be entrusted to this cunning artificer, he will make the New Coinage go
+off splendidly. He has, we believe, already submitted illuminated
+designs to the QUEEN.
+
+       ***
+
+THE KENDALS are announced to appear at the Avenue Theatre. They start
+with _A White Lie_. This is the truth. Free admissions will not be heard
+of, except when they give _A Scrap of Paper_. They are also going to
+produce a new play entitled, _Prince Karatoff_. The plot, to judge by
+the name, will be of interest to Vegetarians, as it is whispered that
+the hero, _Prince Karatoff_, falls in love with _Princess Turnipon_.
+
+       ***
+
+CURIOUSLY APPROPRIATE CONJUNCTION OF NAMES.--On Friday last the _Times_
+published an important letter on a certain fishery. The fish was the
+Salmon, and the writer of the letter was FFENNELL. We do not remember
+ever having seen Salmon on table without FFENNELL, which is a fanciful
+way of spelling it. All information concerning Salmon may now be
+obtained from a "FFENNELL source."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE SONG OF THE SHIRT.
+
+THE SONG OF THE SHIRT.
+
+(_Very Latest Version._)
+
+["There is a grievance which has taken hold in the last few years, under
+which we are all groaning and complaining, without, as far as I can see,
+any present remedy. I allude to the shameful way in which our linen is
+destroyed and knocked about by the existing race of Washerwomen in the
+Metropolis."--_M. J. G.'s Letter on "London Laundries," in the Daily
+Telegraph._]
+
+  With wristbands grubby and worn,
+    With collars ragged and frayed,
+  A man moaned over a shirt all rags,
+    Cursing the laundress trade.
+        "Scrub! Scrub! Scrub!
+  With lime for extracting the dirt;
+  With chemicals rot, and with wire-brushes rub!"--
+        _That_'s the new Song of the Shirt.
+
+          Buy! Buy! Buy!
+  Though I'm but a poor Clerk, with scant "oof,"
+        Yet it's buy--buy--buy!
+  (My hosier's bills furnish full proof),
+        And it's O! to be a slave
+    To my Laundress, who's worse than a Turk.
+  I seldom look nice, and I never can save;
+        And this is woman's work!
+
+          Rub! Rub! Rub!
+  Till they're rugged at edge and at rim;
+        Scrub! Scrub! Scrub!
+  Till with scissors the cuffs I must trim.
+    Seam, and gusset, and band,
+      Band, and gusset, and seam;
+  And all the buttonholes gape, and the studs
+        Drop out in a golden stream.
+
+  O Men with sisters who wash,
+    With housewifely mothers or wives,
+  Who "do up" your linen, and _don't_ "put it out,"
+    You lead endurable lives!
+        Wash--Starch--Iron!
+    _That_ may mean home dampness and dirt;
+  But at least your collars won't chafe your neck,
+    And you'll boast a wearable shirt!
+
+  But why do I dream of soap,
+    Or of honest knuckle-bone?
+  Now most men's shirts come home in a shape
+      That's dreadfully like my own--
+      That's dismally like my own,
+  Unless a home laundry they keep;
+    Great Scott! that shirts should be so dear,
+        And chloride and wire so cheap!
+
+        Scrub! Scrub! Scrub!
+  The wire-brush never flags;
+    And what's the result? A collar that's rough,
+      And a front that's ever in rags!
+  That frayed-out wristband worries me sore,
+      It catches--and shows--the dirt.
+  And as for the collar!!!--I'll bet you a dollar
+    You've never one _clean_ to your shirt.
+
+    Oh! but to breathe the breath
+  Of old country linen so sweet,
+    Wherein lavender was spread,
+      Which was dried on the grass at our feet!
+  For only one short week
+      To feel as I used to feel,
+  Before women washed with chloride of lime,
+        And scrubbed with brushes of steel!
+
+  Oh! but for one short week
+    Of the good old-fashioned wash,
+  Before a laundry meant utter rot,
+    Lime, wax, and such chemical bosh!
+  A little swearing would ease my heart,
+    At that ogress, false, inhuman;
+  So to the papers a line I'll drop,
+        On the Modern Washerwoman!
+
+  With fingers ready and fleet,
+    With features indignantly red,
+  A poor Clerk wrote of his linen in rags,
+      And this is what he said:--
+        "Stitch! Stitch! Stitch!
+  Yet _I_ can't keep a decent shirt!
+    The thing has reached an unbearable pitch,
+  So--as an appeal to the poor and the rich--
+        I sing the new Song of the Shirt!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: EUPHEMISM.
+
+_Cab Tout (exasperated by the persistent attentions of Constable)._
+
+"LOOK 'ERE, OLE LIGHTNIN'-KETCHER, W'ERE THE MISSIN' WORD ARE YER
+SHOVIN' US TO?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROBERT ON THE GREAT QUESTION OF THE DAY.
+
+JOLLY old Crismus being cum round agen, as ushal, we had our
+Crismus-Heve supper, as ushal, and henjoyed owrselves till a rayther
+latish hour, as ushal. Upon cumpareing notes, we didn't find as we had
+werry much to complane about, the grand and nobel old wirtue of
+horsepitality perwailing much as ushal.
+
+Howsumdever, upon cumparin notes a second time as to the most poplar
+subjecks of conwersashun at the warious Eleckshun Dinners, on Saint
+Tommas' Day, or the day when the hole of the Common Counselmen has to go
+to their Constittuents for to be elected--though what St. Tommas ewer
+had to do with it I never could dishcover, no more can BROWN--we found
+as they was amost all on 'em a torkin about sum grate change, as a lot
+of outsiders called County Counsellors was a going for to try to get
+made; the werry principellist being, BROWN said, that they might have
+occashonal use of the Manshun Ouse, and so give grand Dinners to the
+West-End Swells, and so get them to wote for their having jolly hansum
+allowences with which to pay for 'em! But quiet ole JOE, who's one of
+them rum fellers as don't say much, but thinks a deal, says, in his
+quiet way, as how as it's werry much wus than that, for, from what a
+werry ancient Deputty said, as he was a helping him to his jugged air,
+he had werry little dowt but that County Counsellors was acshally a
+going in for erbollishing the hold Copperashun altogether! if they can
+git the Goverment to be fools enuff for to promise to 'elp 'em. And
+then, from what he heard from others, they are a going to rob the nobel
+and Charytable Liwery Companys of all the money as they spends so nobly;
+and then, not contented with that, they are a going for to ask Parlyment
+to give them the command of all the sixteen thowsand Policemen as there
+is in the hole of London; and then, not content with that, they are a
+going for to erbolish all the eight Water Companys, and manage it all
+theirselves; and then, not content with that, they are a going to take
+all the Meet Markets, and the Fish Markets, includin Ancient
+Billingsgate, and the Fruit and Wegeral Markets; and then, just to fill
+up sum of their lezzur time, they are a going to erbolish the Thames
+Conserwaters, and manage the River theirselves; and then, as they think
+as them little trifles ain't quite enuff for 'em, they are a going to
+arsk to be aloud to take charge of all the Docks and Wharfs on the
+River! And then, as they will naterally want plenty of emusement after
+their ard work, they arsks to be aloud to take over the control of
+All the London Theaters!
+
+I had a chat the other day with one of the LORD MARE's Footmen, as I
+allers likes to go to the werry hiest orthorities, and he finished by
+saying, most emfatically,--"Mr. ROBERT, I arsks you this simple
+quesshun--If it takes about two hunderd and thirty gents to keep the
+grand old Citty in the bootiful condishun as it allus is, and to keep us
+all in the helthy condishun as we allus is, and with the remarkabel fine
+happytites as we allus has, its size being ony one square mile, and our
+number ony about fifty thowsand sleepers, and about ten times as many,
+as cums ewery day to hearn their living, how is it possibel for a much
+smaller number of Gents, with werry littel hexperiens, to do the same
+with a plaice about a hunderd and twenty times as big, and with about
+five millions of peepel in it? And you may trust what I says, for I had
+it from our Chapling."
+
+"Why," I says, boldly, "I says at once as I don't beleeve as it's
+posserbel for 'em to do a quorter of it."
+
+"Rite you are, Mr. ROBERT!" says he. And so we parted.
+
+    ROBERT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT ANCIENT DRURY.
+
+DRURIOLANUS MAGNIFICUS has given us something gorgeous this year in "The
+Hall of a Million Mirrors," the tenth Scene of his Pantomime entitled
+_Little Bo-Peep, Little Red Riding Hood, and Hop o' My Thumb_, who are
+three very small people,--"small by degrees and beautifully less"--to
+make so big a Show. In the Hall of Mirrors appear all the well-known
+representatives of ancient Nursery Rhymes, and all the heroes and
+heroines of the universally familiar Fairy Stories. Down the Palace
+stairs they come, group after group, until the Stage, even of Old Drury,
+can hold no more, and there is scarcely room for them all to move, much
+less to indulge in any "kicking up ahind and afore," as was the wont of
+the Ancient JOSEPH, whose fame is hymned in Nigger Minstrelsy. A most
+brilliant scene, never to be forgotten!--that is, until next Pantomime
+Season, when Sir DRURIOLANUS will, in all probability, show us something
+equally magnificent, and as perfect in design and colour.
+
+There is such a galaxy of talent, specially of Music-hall talent, with
+the two MARIES, LOFTUS and LLOYD, the CAMPBELL of that ilk, comical DAN
+LENO (who looks so comically Thin O), and the amusing Brothers
+GRIFFITHS, but without the donkey, and with no quadruped to equal him,
+though they do make beasts of themselves by appearing as wolves, who
+will not be kept from the door of _Granny Green_, Mr. JOHN D'AUBAN,
+utterly unrecognisable. Besides these is a Variety Show of other Stars,
+including ever-graceful EMMA D'AUBAN, and Miss MABEL LOVE, of the
+"skirts-so movement," both rightly reckoned in the programme as among
+"the Immortals." Only one fault can be found with the Pantomime, and
+that is, that there are too many brilliant Stars in it. They can't all
+of them, each and severally, get an opportunity of showing how he or she
+can shine in his or her own particular bright way; and so it happens
+that the earliest scenes, which are less crowded, are the best for fun,
+though in the latter, and specially in the one just preceding the
+transformation, there is some capital comic business, and "LITTLE TICH"
+is at his best in his burlesque of the Skirt Dance. We wonder that this
+clever diminutive person has never appeared as "_the_ Claimant _par
+excellence_." But perhaps his name is not "TICH" at all, and so, on his
+first appearance on the world's stage, he was not a "_Tich-born_."
+
+The _Extravaganza_ portion of the Pantomime--formerly styled the
+"Opening"--gave us great pleasure, and the two "Comic Scenes"--(what are
+all the preceding ones? Are CAMPBELL, LENO, WILLIAMS, and "LITTLE TICH,"
+all tragedians?)--gave us Great PAYNE--yclept HARRY PAYNE, the good old
+Conservative "JOEY."
+
+If the possibilities, "_per variation et mutation_" of gorgeous modern
+Pantomime, are exhausted--"which," as EUCLID observes, "is
+impossible"--except we may "add a rider" (as the Clown in the Circle
+might observe) that Pantomime is, in itself, a _reductio ad
+absurdum_--then, perchance, Sir DRURIOLANUS MAGNIFICUS may give us next
+Christmas a Shorter Opening, say ten Scenes, to be followed by six
+Harlequinade Scenes, treating, by way of "Review," all the leading
+topics of Ninety-Three. _Nous verrons_--at least, such is our hope. And
+so a Prosperous New Year to Sir DRURIOLANUS, and all his works.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOVEL, BUT NOT NEW.
+
+(_A Story of Romance in Town and Country._)
+
+SCENE I.--_Publisher's Sanctum._ Amateur Author _discovered
+    in consultation with_ Enterprising Publisher.
+
+_Enterprising Publisher._ Yes, my dear Sir, I think, if you pay all the
+expenses, we can see our way to giving _An Oppressed Ophelia_ a chance.
+
+_Amateur Author._ You would not take a small risk?
+
+_Ent. Publisher._ Why no, my dear Sir. I do not see how _An Oppressed
+Ophelia_ can be made a safe investment without your entire assistance.
+Possibly we may treat about your next novel, which I understand you to
+say is called _An English Hamlet_, on other terms. In the meanwhile, let
+us hope that _An Oppressed Ophelia_ will be successful.
+
+      [_Exeunt_ Author _and_ Publisher _severally._
+
+SCENE II.--_The Same. Three months have passed._ Publisher _and_
+    Author _are discovered discussing the situation._
+
+_Author (gloomily)._ And so you say that _An Oppressed Ophelia_ is a
+dead failure?
+
+_Publisher (more cheerfully)._ Yes, my dear Sir, but do not be
+distressed. Thanks to my foresight, and your acquiescence in a
+business-like arrangement, my firm has lost nothing by the transaction.
+
+_Author (dryly)._ That I can readily understand! Well, I suppose you
+have plenty of copies you can give back to me?
+
+_Publisher._ Well, scarcely. You see the Londoners did not take up your
+book very warmly; but we have made an arrangement to dispose of the rest
+of the issue in the country at a considerable reduction.
+
+_Author._ And _An English Hamlet_?
+
+_Publisher._ We shall be glad to produce on the same terms!
+
+      [_Exeunt_ Author _and_ Publisher _severally._
+
+SCENE III.--_Interior of the Circulating Library at
+    Slocum-Pogis-on-the-Stodge._ Author _and_ Female Librarian
+    _discovered_.
+
+_Author._ Well, if you haven't got the popular novels I have already
+mentioned, I will have a book by RIDER HAGGARD, STEVENSON, MEREDITH, or
+RUDYARD KIPLING.
+
+_Librarian._ All out, Sir. Won't you have something else?
+
+_Author._ Well, an amusing volume of travels or recollections. Can you
+recommend one?
+
+_Librarian._ We did have several books of that kind in the Season, Sir,
+but just now our stock is a little low.
+
+_Author (nettled)._ Why, I don't believe you have a book in the shop.
+You seem to be out of everything!
+
+_Librarian._ Oh, yes, we have, Sir. Here, for instance, is one of this
+year's novels. It's called _An Oppressed Ophelia_.
+
+_Author (pleased)._ Oh, you have got that, have you?
+
+_Librarian._ Got it! Why, the whole place is full of them! To tell you
+the truth, Sir, it came down by mistake. We ordered books by BLACK,
+MEREDITH, STEVENSON, and the rest of them, and they sent us back, by
+accident, I suppose, a dozen copies of _An Oppressed Ophelia_. If you
+would like it, Sir, I will look you out a copy with some of the leaves
+cut.
+
+_Author (shortly)._ No, thankee, I've read it!
+
+      [_Exit._
+
+_Librarian._ Dear me, what an odd gentleman! He's the first as has
+read _An Oppressed Ophelia_, although I have had it in the shop
+these six months!
+
+      [_Scene closes in upon her astonishment._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: A Man of Letters.
+
+       ***
+
+Illustration: "Question time."
+
+       ***
+
+Illustration: The "Seasonable" Lawyer.
+
+       ***
+
+"SOME TALK OF ALEXANDER."
+
+If my memory serves me faithfully, the above heading is a quotation from
+the first verse of "_The British Grenadiers_," and is peculiarly
+applicable just now to the Lessee of the St. James's Theatre, Mr. GEORGE
+ALEXANDER, who has got a decided success in the original Comedy, written
+by Mr. R. C. CARTON, entitled _Liberty Hall_, an excellent and a
+catching name, that perhaps might have been better bestowed on a larger
+picture. To play with "reserved force" until the passionate moment
+arrives, is all that Mr. ALEXANDER has to do; but this he does
+admirably, never under-acting, never over-acting, always as natural as a
+quiet gentleman, of a peculiarly romantic turn of mind, yet with a keen
+but chastened appreciation of a practical joke, kept all to himself for
+five months, should be. Had he been compelled by circumstances to
+sustain the _alias_, and to continue playing the part of a _Burchell_ in
+GOLDSMITH's _Vicar of Wakefield_ for one month longer, could he have
+done it? However, as the piece has "caught on," it may be that Mr.
+ALEXANDER will have to play the part of _Mr. Burchell alias Owen_ for
+even longer than half a year; and, as he selected the piece, and as he
+plays this part excellently, it is mainly owin' to ALEXANDER that the
+piece is payin.' Mr. BEN WEBSTER is good as the somewhat
+gentlemanly-caddish mixture called _The Hon. Gould Harringay_. Mr.
+NUTCOMBE GOULD, as a Family Solicitor, deeply interests everybody in the
+First Act; "and then," like _Macbeth's_ "poor player,"--which Mr. N. G.
+isn't, far from it,--"is heard no more." Perhaps, during the Pantomime
+season, he might re-appear at the finish with a slight addition to his
+head-gear, as intimated in this little sketch of him, when he could
+observe confidentially to the audience, "Here we are again!" But this is
+only a hint, to the practical use of which, Mr. GOULD, by the kind
+permission of Mr. ALEXANDER, is heartily welcome.
+
+Capital is Miss FANNY COLEMAN as the housekeeper and maid-of-all-work;
+and, in the small part of _Todman's_ shop-boy, Master RICHARD SAKER
+shows that, as _Mr. Wardle_ said of _Mr. Tupman_, when he brought down
+the birds with his eyes shut, he is "an older hand at this than we
+thought for." If he works at his profession, he will show himself "a
+wise-SAKER." Mr. HOLLES and Miss AILSA CRAIG, in two very small but
+strongly-marked character-parts, add to the general efficiency of an
+exceptionally complete cast. Miss MAUDE MILLETT makes the indiscreet
+_Amy Chilworth_ a very sweet person, but it is Miss MARION TERRY who has
+in her hands the one strong dramatic situation at the end of the Third
+Act. It is a situation which, no matter what might have been the
+author's conception of it, depends for its effect solely and only on the
+actress; and Miss MARION TERRY, as she sits, rises to the occasion. It
+is long since Mr. RIGHTON has had such a part as that of _Todman_, the
+quaint little old-fashioned bookshop-keeper, and to this quite
+Dickensian character, the actor does thorough justice; as also does Mr.
+H. VINCENT to the somewhat highly coloured blusterous part of
+_Briginshaw_. Mr. ALEXANDER commences the new year well. "_Prosit!_"
+chirps        THE CRITIC OFF THE HEARTH.
+
+       ***
+
+Illustration: "Put a penny in the hat, and the figure will work."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A MOAN OF MERRY CHRISTMAS.
+
+(_By Our Own Dismal Dyspeptic._)
+
+  Oh, Christmas is a season when this melancholy earth
+  Has to put on the appearance of ungovernable mirth--
+  When you substitute a chuckle for your ordinary sigh,
+  And you give each other presents that you can't afford to buy--
+  When the little boys with snowballs are so shockingly unkind,
+  And improve on the occasion to attack you from behind--
+  When the mistletoe its terrors at the bashful person hurls,
+  And you have to kiss a number of unpleasant-looking girls!
+
+  Oh, Christmas is a season when the children make a row,
+  And you have to bear it patiently--although you don't know how--
+  When they will not let you slumber in your comfortable chair,
+  But crawl and tumble over you and ruffle up your hair--
+  When TOM and DICK are home from school with all their nasty tricks,
+  And have terrific combats with a pair of single-sticks--
+  When Auntie comes to stay with us, and always takes their parts.
+  And you smile a sickly smile, and murmur, "_Bless_ their little hearts!"
+
+  Oh, Christmas is a season when the beef is very fat,
+  (And it turns me topsy-turvey at the simple thought of that!)--
+  When it seems as if your relatives could never eat enough,
+  And you have to look contented as you sit and watch them stuff--
+  When they give you Christmas pudding, and consider it a treat,
+  Though they know that you are feeling far too bilious to eat--
+  When the very house reverberates with tradesmen's constant knocks,
+  As they call in quick succession to demand a Christmas-box!
+
+  Oh, Christmas is a season, when I long to sit alone,
+  In some clean and quiet garret, I can really call my own;
+  Where no Christmas Cards can reach me with their idiotic rhymes--
+  Where I never hear of HARRIS, and his splendid Pantomimes.
+  Where the turkey and the goose would feel distinctly out of place,
+  Where no pallid pie of mincemeat, dares to look me in the face;
+  Where I don't see coloured plates from Christmas Numbers on the wall,
+  Where, in fact, I can forget that it is Christmas-time at all!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: A REMINISCENCE.
+
+_Aunt Molly_ (_on hospitable thoughts intent_). "YOU SHALL HAVE _THIS_
+BEDROOM, MIKE--THE SAME THAT YOU HAD LAST CHRISTMAS!"
+
+_Mike._ "OH, NOT _THAT_ BEDROOM, AUNT MOLLY!--IT'S CHOKE FULL OF
+_DREAMS_!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FRENCH "SERPENTINE DANCE"
+  OR, PAS DE PANAMA.
+
+  The Minuet's cold and modish grace,
+    Delirium of the Carmagnole,
+  Fair France has known. How will she pace
+    _This_ frantic dance, and to what goal?
+  Beginning in triumphant sport,
+    She's tremulous now, with terror cold.
+  The whirl so dizzies, she breathes short;
+    The serpent spirals seem to fold
+  Laocöon-like about her limbs.
+    Tarantula-bitten victims so
+  Whirl madly. Shrinks her head and swims;
+    This is not glory's ardent glow,
+  But fever's hectic, herald sure
+    Of dread corruption, if unstayed.
+  Dance on the footing insecure
+    Of the keen edge of War's red blade,
+  Rather than this mad dervish spin,
+    Drunk with that poison-breath;
+  The music is the devil's din,
+    The dance--the modern Dance of Death!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE FRENCH "SERPENTINE DANCE;"
+OR, PAS DE PANAMA.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LATEST FROM "THE GILBERT ISLANDS."--Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN will probably
+stay in these islands while writing his new Opera. If successful, these
+islands will then be annexed by Manager D'OYLY CARTE under the style and
+title of "The Gilbert and Sullivan Islands."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ON A NEW YEAR'S CARD.
+
+["With kind regards and best wishes for 1893, from Mr. and
+Mrs. T. BROWN-SMITH and family."]
+
+  FROM TOM! It's thirty years ago
+    Or more, since, destined to talk Tamil, he
+  Set sail for foreign lands. And so
+    To-day he boasts a wife and family.
+
+  Yes, TOM and I were chums at school,
+    The Matron--how we used to fool her!
+  We broke the very self-same rule,
+    We felt the very self-same ruler.
+
+  We gladly in those classic groves
+    Accepted all the Fates provided,
+  And even in our school-boy loves
+    We did not care to be divided.
+
+  Three years at Cambridge--where we spent
+    Our money, "linked in friendly tether,"
+  Three years that all too quickly went,
+    Then _we_ went down, and went together.
+
+  Next year 'twas TOM who went abroad;
+    He vowed that he'd be married--never!
+  But I was then engaged to MAUDE,
+    To MAUDE, who swore to love me ever.
+
+  Perhaps she kept her plighted word--
+    But, if she did, she chose as funny
+  A way as I have ever heard--
+    She married Some One Else and Money.
+
+  Maybe she did not feel inclined
+    To risk the bread-and-cheese and kisses,
+  Or else her calculating mind
+    Preferred "Her Ladyship" to "Mrs."
+
+  So I'm unmarried to this day,
+    And live without the great felicity
+  Which, as TOM used of old to say,
+    Can't fail to wait on domesticity.
+
+  That joy is his alone, not mine,
+    Misogynist he liked to call himself,
+  Whilst I thought every girl divine--
+    Yet TOM has been the first to fall himself.
+
+  I've missed the sweets of married life,
+    The bills, the coos, and all the rest of it!
+  I cannot boast, like TOM, a wife,
+    I wonder, tho', who's got the best of it?
+
+  Fair MAUDE, I willingly allow
+    I thought my heart for ever riven.
+  It wasn't so at all, and now
+    Your Ladyship is quite forgiven.
+
+  And TOM, old friend--tried, trusty, true,
+    Across the seas these lines will carry
+  All New-Year greetings, TOM, to you
+    And yours, from Yours, as ever, HARRY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Should there be a hard frost, lady-skaters in Hyde Park will be able to
+give quite a new turn to the "Serpentine Dance."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CRINOLINE is gradually coming in again. She re-enters to the air of
+"_Steel so gently o'er Me steeling_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Montagu Williams.
+
+BORN, 1834. DIED, DEC. 23, 1892.
+
+["He will be missed far more by lawyers and the world at large than many
+men who hold more important offices in his profession."--_The Times._]
+
+  Companions of his ardent youth,
+    Or comrades of his riper years;
+  The poor who felt his kindly ruth,
+    And mourn him with unpurchased tears;
+  Men of the world whose mordant sense
+    Shorn of all maudlin sentiment
+  Seemed the sharp touchstone of pretence;
+    Soft hearts on swift world-bettering bent,
+  All miss, all mourn the man whom all
+  Responsive found to each high call.
+
+  Old long-dead days of boisterous mirth,
+    Far dim-seen hours of arduous fight
+  When gaiety possessed the earth,
+    When morning felt no fear of night;
+  School-form, field, footlights, club! _Eheu
+    Fugaces!_ These, indeed, are fled,
+  But thoughts of dashing MONTAGU,
+    That dauntless soul now lying dead,
+  After long fight with pitiless pain
+  Make the old memories live again.
+
+  Before the triumphs of the Court,
+    Before the honours of the Bench,
+  Wild days there were of toil and sport,
+    Long ere our brows had learned to blench
+  At threatenings of the first grey hair.
+    Ah! cordial comrade, champion stout,
+  The fierce ordeal you had to bear
+    Is ended; fortune's final flout
+  Has fallen, and that gallant breast
+  Is still at last in well-earned rest.
+
+  It was your happy lot to blend
+    Sound brain and sympathetic heart;
+  The loyal service of a friend,
+    With worldly wisdom keen and tart.
+  Shrewd advocate and councillor keen,
+    You knew the world, yet pitied it;
+  Compassion mild, not cynic spleen
+    Tempered the edge of caustic wit.
+  Farewell! It dims much pomp and state,
+  _Your_ title--"Poor Man's Magistrate!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN IDYLL OF THE CROWD.
+
+(_A Tip (after Tennyson) to Tory Topsawyers._)
+
+  Come down, O Scribe, from yonder sniffy height;
+  What pleasure lives in "sniff" (the Councillor sang),
+  In sniff and scorn, the weakness of the "swells"?
+  But cease to move so near the clouds, and cease
+  To sit a votary of the "Great Pooh-Pooh";
+  And come, for Labour's in the valley, come,
+  For Toil dwells in the valley, come thou down
+  And watch him; by the dim slum threshold, he,
+  Or hand in hand with poverty in the docks,
+  Or black with stithy-swartness by the forge,
+  Or troll-like in the mine; nor cares to walk
+  With Wealth and Fashion in the parks and squares;
+  But _follow!_ Come thou down, and let the cold
+  Cramp-headed cynics yelp alone, and leave
+  The mugwump scoffers there to shape and sleek
+  Their thousand paragraphs of acrid joke
+  That like a squirting fountain waste in air:
+  So waste thou not; but come; for hunger pale
+  Awaits thee; haggard pillars of the hearth
+  Appeal to thee; slum children call, and now
+  The Crowd's astir, with every man a Vote
+  To give him voice, and in that voice you'll hear
+  Myriads of "movements" hurrying into "laws,"
+  The moan of men at immemorial ills,
+  And murmuring of innumerable shes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MY LANDSCAPE.
+
+  Calm sea, the mirror of a cloudless sky,
+    Blue mountains, in the purple distance fading,
+  Tall, dark-hued pines, through which faint zephyrs sigh,
+          A garden shading.
+
+  A view that might inspire a poet's voice,
+    Or minstrel's lute to sweetest music waken--
+  I came to paint this subject of my choice;
+          My place was taken!
+
+  I muttered angry words between my teeth;
+    I could not see the features of _la bella_,
+  I only saw a dress and cloak beneath
+          A great umbrella.
+
+  Perhaps some girl, her hair a touzled mop,
+    Plain-featured, round in shoulder, unpoetic,
+  With hygienic boots that flatly flop--
+          Old style æsthetic.
+
+  I came a little closer, just to see.
+    Ye gods, her looks and form were not alarming!
+  A graceful, sweet-faced, dainty maiden she,
+          Completely charming.
+
+  The landscape that I loved was what she drew.
+    I felt my coolness towards her quickly thawing;
+  I also stayed to sketch that charming view--
+          Here is my drawing.
+
+Illustration: MY LANDSCAPE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: "SIC ITUR."
+
+       ***
+
+"SIC ITUR."
+
+  The Old Year flits, the New Year comes,
+    And, through such severance, man contrives
+  To parcel out in little sums
+    The little measurements of lives.
+  We feign the one a different year,
+    Outworn, by solemn bells outrung--
+  The other, foundling of our sphere,
+    As radiant, innocent, and young.
+
+  Farewell! we cry, to Ninety-Two,
+    Its lapses and encompassings,
+  We bid them all a fond adieu,
+    And fix our gaze on fresher things;
+  What has not been we dream will be,
+    The wounds will heal, the flaws will mend,
+  And hopes be born of Ninety-Three
+    That older, cherished hopes transcend.
+
+  It is not thus; Time mocks at pause,
+    In march continual onward goes;
+  Th' unfailing progress of his laws,
+    No respite nor effacement knows;
+  This year is but the force of last,
+    Not something new to mortal ken;
+  Heredity's enchainment vast
+    Enthrals the moments as the men.
+
+  Yet welcome still, our childish trust,
+    Which breathes a truth that Science mars;
+  Our ladder, based upon the dust,
+    Mounts ever nearer steadfast stars;
+  And, though the rungs be still the same,
+    The glimpses, as we strive to rise,
+  Are, 'spite our mists of sin and shame,
+    More closely neighbouring the skies.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MIXED NOTIONS.
+
+No. III.--PANAMA.
+
+  SCENE, _and persons as before--namely, two_ Well-informed
+    Men, _an_ Inquirer, _and an_ AVERAGE MAN, _travelling up
+    together in a suburban morning-train to London._
+
+_First Well-informed Man._ Jolly old mess they seem to have got into in
+Paris over this Panama business. I see they arrested half-a-dozen more
+of them yesterday.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ Yes--and they haven't done yet. I knew, months and
+months ago, the crash must come. That French chap, LAMPION told me all
+about it. He says it'll bust up the Republic before they've done with
+it.
+
+_First W. I. M._ And a good thing too. That kind of corruption only
+flourishes under a Republican form of government. They want a strong man
+in France, that's what they want.
+
+_Average Man._ I don't believe much in your strong men. I suppose the
+last Emperor was a pretty fair specimen; but they seem to have had some
+high old ramps under him, too. Besides, look at Russia.
+
+_First W. I. M._ You can't bring Russia forward as an example.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ Of course not. Russia don't count.
+
+_A. M._ Why not? I don't suppose you can make a man much stronger than
+the CZAR; but, if we're to believe what we're told, the whole place is
+honeycombed with corruption. Why--(_to_ First W. I. M.)--you were saying
+yourself, only the other day, that Russia was corrupt to the core.
+
+_First W. I. M._ Oh, but I was speaking of something quite different.
+Russia is a country _per se_.
+
+_Inquirer._ I thought Russia was an Autocracy.
+
+_First W. I. M._ It's the same thing.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ (_after a pause_). Well, anyhow, we in England haven't
+done anything of the kind. You can't deny that.
+
+_A. M._ No, we haven't done anything quite on the same scale lately, I
+admit that. But we've done our best with worthless mines, and bogus
+Companies of all kinds, and financial papers, and Building Societies.
+Seems to me we've no right to chuck stones at poor old LESSEPS.
+
+_Inquirer._ Is that the same old chap who did something in Egypt some
+years ago?
+
+_Second W. I. M._ (_smiling, and superior_). Yes, the very same. He made
+the Suez Canal.
+
+_Inquirer._ Of course--so he did. That was what we went to the Soudan
+for, wasn't it?
+
+_Second W. I. M._ (_dubiously_). Well, it had something to do with it,
+of course. As we'd got four million pounds' worth of shares in the
+Canal, we couldn't afford to see it upset. And then (_brightening_)
+there was the Dual Control. That was really at the bottom of the whole
+business.
+
+_Inquirer._ The Dual Control? I don't remember what that was.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ Why, don't you remember ARABI setting himself up
+against the KHEDIVE? Well, naturally, we couldn't stand the two of them
+playing their games there; so we just had to nip in, and smash old
+ARABI.
+
+_Inquirer._ Of course, I remember the whole business now; Khartoum, and
+the MAHDI, and all the rest of it.  [_A pause._
+
+_Inquirer_ (_returning to the charge_). I wonder why they called it the
+Panama Canal?
+
+_First W. I. M._ Why shouldn't they? It happens to be its name.
+
+_Inquirer._ Yes, I know that's its name now. But why call it after a
+straw hat?
+
+_First W. I. M._ (_amazed_). After a _what_?
+
+_Inquirer._ After a straw hat.
+
+_First W. I. M._ (_calmly, but firmly_). It isn't called after a straw
+hat. The straw hat's called after it. That's all.
+
+_Inquirer_ (_dogged, and unconvinced_). Well, anyhow, I know I bought a
+Panama hat last summer--and deuced expensive it was, too.
+
+_First W. I. M._ My dear boy, it was made in Panama. Panama's a place.
+
+_Inquirer._ Well, I'm dashed! I never knew that. But what on earth do
+they want a Canal there for?
+
+_First W. I. M._ Oh, well, I'm bound to admit it would be a convenience.
+Just think how it would shorten the sea-route. Instead of having to go
+all the way round Cape What's-his-name--what _is_ that blessed Cape's
+name?
+
+_Second W. I. M._ (_tentatively_). Cape of Good Hope?
+
+_First W. I. M._ No, no--they're building the Nicaragua Canal for that.
+Cape--Cape--why, dash it, I shall be forgetting my own name next!
+
+_Inquirer_ (_brilliantly_). Capricorn.
+
+_First W. I. M._ Yes, that's it! Well, instead of having to go all round
+Cape Ricorn, all we've got to do is to sail to Panama, and--(_impotently
+concluding_)--there we are!
+
+_Second W. I. M._ Ah, but I don't think they'll ever finish it.
+
+_First W. I. M._ I'm not so sure about that; but, of course, the French
+couldn't do it.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ Of course not. [_Terminus._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: "CREDE EXPERTO."
+
+_Q.C._ "YES; I LIKE THE ARMY AS A PROFESSION. I MEAN TO PUT MY SON INTO
+IT."
+
+_Little Snooks_ (_who was Gazetted the week before last_). "AH, YOU TAKE
+THE ADVICE OF A MAN WHO KNOWS ALL ABOUT IT--AND _DON'T!_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VERY CIVIL LAW.
+
+(_With Mr. Punch's Compliments to the London County Council._)
+
+  SCENE--_The Interior of the Court under the Patronage of the
+    London County Council._ Judge, _appointed according to the
+    popular view, discovered in the act of passing sentence._
+
+_Judge._ Prisoner in the dock, or I should say, my good friend--for are
+we not all liable to err?--I have no wish to increase the natural
+embarrassment of your position. I am here, as you know, to dispense
+judgment. This I tell you judicially. I am, when I make this statement,
+merely the mouthpiece of the Law. In my private capacity, I am deeply
+sorry for you.
+
+_Prisoner_ (_much affected_). Thank you kindly, Sir.
+
+_Judge._ My dear friend, I feel for your misfortunes. I make every
+allowance for them. By the Statute under whose provisions both of us are
+here, I notice that I have the power to sentence you to seven years'
+penal servitude.
+
+_Prisoner_ (_startled_). Seven years! But you ain't going to do it?
+
+_Judge._ My dear friend, I will do nothing that is unjust.
+
+_Prisoner_ (_angrily_). You'd better not, or you'll 'ear of it again!
+
+_Judge._ I hope, I do hope that is not intended as a threat! My object
+is to treat you courteously, and even considerately, but, as I have
+already remarked, the Law is, in fact, the Law. Although I represent the
+London County Council to a very large extent, still I am a Member of the
+Bar, and, by virtue of my office, a gentleman. Under these
+circumstances, I shall only be doing my duty--painful as its performance
+may be--when I sentence you to be kept in penal servitude for seven
+years.
+
+_Prisoner_ (_indignantly_). What, seven years! Why, you----
+
+  [_Scene closes in hurriedly upon a flood of language more
+    forcible than polite. Curtain._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE GRAND OLD PRINTER.
+
+SEVERAL REPORTS HAVE APPEARED IN THE PAPERS ABOUT THE PRINTING OF THE
+NEW HOME-RULE BILL BY AN OLD EXPERIENCED HAND WORKING IN SECRET.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: AN UNDERGROUND SELL.
+
+_First Passenger._ "THEY SAY THEY'VE PUT ON DETECTIVES 'ERE, TO CATCH
+COVES AS TRAVELS WITHOUT TICKETS."
+
+_Second Passenger._ "'AVE THEY? WELL, ALL I CAN SAY IS, _I_ CAN TRAVEL
+AS OFTEN AS I LIKE FROM CANNON STREET TO VICTORIA, AND NOT PAY A
+'APENNY!"
+
+_Detective._ "SEE HERE MATE; I'LL GIVE YOU HALF-A-CROWN IF YOU TELL ME
+HOW YOU DO IT."
+
+_Second Passenger_ (_after pocketing the Half-Crown_). "WELL,--WHEN I
+WANTS TO GIT FROM CANNON STREET TO VICTORIA WITHOUT PAYIN'--_I WALKS!_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"CUT AND COME AGAIN."
+
+The Annual New-Year's Dinner of Anti-Vivisectionists took place
+yesterday. The following was the _menu_:--
+
+  Oysters--eaten alive.
+
+  Turtle Soup--the Turtle having been exhibited for several days
+    previously in a Confectioner's window.
+
+  Stewed Eels--chopped up wriggling.
+
+  Lobsters--boiled alive.
+
+  Prawns--ditto ditto.
+
+  Curried Rabbit--trapped.
+
+  Patés de Foies Gras.
+
+  Roast Pork--Prize Pig, suffocated at a show.
+
+  Roast Veal--Calf bled to death to secure an elegant whiteness.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PROBLEM.--At the stranding-of-the-_Howe_ trial there appeared a
+Witness, whose official position, it appears, is "Hydrographer of the
+Navy." What is a hydrographer? clearly, by derivation, "a drawer of
+water." But a ship also "draws water." Therefore, logically, a
+Hydrographer is a ship. But a ship is never put into a witness-box,
+where it would be quite at sea, but in the dock, where it could be quite
+at home. "Truly," writes our Puzzled Correspondent, "there is a muddle
+somewhere." _Q. E. D._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CHEERFUL INVESTMENT.--A Laughing-Stock.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SAFE PREDICTIONS FOR THE YEAR.
+
+Someone will write about the extraordinary characteristic of the Season,
+whether it be warm or cold.
+
+There will be a Political Crisis in Paris on the average of once in
+every six weeks.
+
+The German Emperor will continue his tours, to the great inconvenience
+of the Crowned Heads he favours with a visit.
+
+Mr. GLADSTONE will lecture, write articles to the Magazines, fell trees,
+and govern the country, as per usual.
+
+Someone will get a trifle tired of Home Rule, the Channel Tunnel, and
+General BOOTH.
+
+A few persons will leave Europe for America, to see the Chicago
+Exhibition.
+
+A crowd (more or less) will attend the Oxford and Cambridge Boat-race,
+the Derby, and the Private View at the Royal Academy.
+
+Mrs. SMITH (after having been presented by My Lady BROWN) will present
+Miss SMITH, Miss ELFRIDA SMITH, and Miss VICTORIA ALEXANDRA SMITH, at
+Her MAJESTY'S Drawing-Room.
+
+Mr. and Mrs. PORTLAND SNOOKS will give a dinner-party, which will be
+reported in the Society papers.
+
+The First Nights at the Lyceum will be amongst the features of the
+Season.
+
+There will be several failures at the Theatres, and also a success
+or two.
+
+There will be half a dozen full-dress debates in the House of Commons,
+and as many important divisions.
+
+The "Popular Budget" is sure, with some people, to be exceedingly
+unpopular.
+
+The London County Council and the School Board will be censured by
+the Press.
+
+There will be any number of railway "accidents," and avoidable "deaths
+by misadventure."
+
+It will be discovered that the British Army is a myth, and that the
+British Navy is a snare and a delusion.
+
+Parliament will be up in time for the partridges, even if a little late
+for the grouse.
+
+Everyone will praise the United Kingdom as the land of the tourist, and
+promptly go abroad.
+
+A subject of deep domestic importance will be discussed in the columns
+devoted to correspondence in the daily papers during the Silly Season.
+
+A new Author will be discovered, and spring into great popularity with
+the Publishers, if not with the Public.
+
+Out of every hundred novels, ten per cent. will be absorbed by the
+London Libraries, and the remainder carted off to the "Circulating Book
+Emporiums" at the seaside.
+
+A new Magazine will be started, to supply a want hitherto unsuspected.
+
+Someone will write his experiences, and expect someone else to
+read them.
+
+The children (periodically) will return to school after the holidays,
+and "men" will go to Oxford and Cambridge, as occasion requires.
+
+Calls to the Bar by the Benchers of the Inns of Court will add
+materially to the numbers of the Unemployed.
+
+Several social failures will go to the Colonies, and (like a bad
+shilling) return again.
+
+Professor JONES will call black white, while Professor ROBINSON
+insists that it is grey.
+
+There will be bags on the moors, and sales at the poulterers'.
+
+The Christmas Numbers will be prepared in May and published in October.
+
+The Divorce Court will be open for the Season, and the Season will amply
+avail itself of the opportunity.
+
+The year will pass in less than no time, and the Yule-tide greetings
+will be heard, as it were, shortly after Easter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: Going with the Times.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUBJECT FOR FANCY PICTURE.--Fined five shillings for swearing. A bench
+of Magisterial Salmon from the River Tees, after considerable
+consultation, deciding that they cannot pass over the Dinsdale Dam, but
+admitted that it was quite allowable for a ladylike Salmon to say to the
+river, "O you Tees!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE _PRESENT_ TIMES."--Christmas and New Year.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed
+Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be
+returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope,
+Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume
+104, January 7, 1893, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, JANUARY 7, 1893 ***
+
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+<title>The Project Gutenberg Ebook Of Punch, Or The London Charivari, Vol. 104 January 7th, 1893. By Various.</title>
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+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 104,
+January 7, 1893, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 104, January 7, 1893
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Francis Burnand
+
+Release Date: August 21, 2008 [EBook #26385]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, JANUARY 7, 1893 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, Juliet Sutherland and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<h1>PUNCH,<br /> OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+<h2>VOL. 104</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h2>January 7th, 1893.</h2>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 55%;">
+<a href="images/illus-0001.png">
+<img src="images/illus-0001.png" width="100%" alt="Illustrated cover" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<h4>LONDON:</h4>
+<h3>PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET,</h3>
+<h5>AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS.</h5>
+<h3>1893.</h3>
+<h6>LONDON:</h6>
+<h6>BRADBURY, AGNEW, &amp; CO. LD., PRINTERS, WHITEFRIARS.</h6><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%;">
+<a href="images/0003.png">
+<img src="images/0003.png" width="100%" alt="PREFACE" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>SCENE&mdash;<i>The Elysian Fields, a flower-gemmed bank, by a flowing stream,
+beneath the sylvan shade of unfading foliage.</i><br />
+Mr. <span class="sc">Punch</span>&mdash;<i>who is free
+of all places, from Fleet Street to Parnassus&mdash;discovered, in Arcadian
+attire, attempting "numerous verse" on a subject of National
+importance&mdash;to wit, the approaching Royal Marriage.</i></p>
+
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;"><i>Mr. Punch.</i> Propt on this "bank of amaranth and moly,"</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Beneath the shade of boughs <i>un</i>melancholy,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">I meditate on &AElig;stas and on Hymen!</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Pheugh! <i>What</i> a Summer! Torrid drought doth try men,&mdash;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">And fields and farms; yet when our Royal <span class="sc">May</span></span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Weds&mdash;in July&mdash;'tis fit that Phoebus stay</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">His fiery car to welcome her! By Jove,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">That sounds Spenserian! Illustrious Love</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Epithalamion demands, and lo!</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">We've no official Laureate, to let flow,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">With Tennysonian dignity and sweetness,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Courtly congratulation. <span class="sc">Dryden</span>'s neatness,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Even the gush of <span class="sc">Nahum Tate</span> or <span class="sc">Pye</span></span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Are not available, so <span class="sc">Punch</span> must try</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">His unofficial pen. My tablets, <span class="sc">Toby</span>!</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">This heat's enough to give you hydrophoby!</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Talk about Dog-days! Is that nectar iced?</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Then just one gulp! It beats the highest priced</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">And creamiest champagne. Now, silence, Dog,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">And let me give my lagging Muse a jog!</span><br /><br />
+
+<div class="direction">[<i>Writes, with one eye on the portraits of the</i> Duke of <span class="sc">York</span> <i>and</i>
+<i>the</i> Princess <span class="sc">May</span>, <i>the other on the iced nectar-cup.</i>
+</div><br />
+
+<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Humph! I do hope the happy Royal Pair</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">(Whose counterfeit presentments front me there,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Inspiring, in young manhood and frank beauty)</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Will think their Laureate hath fulfilled his duty,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">His labour of most loyal love, discreetly.</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Compliments delicate, piled not sickly-sweetly,</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Like washy <span class="sc">Warton</span>'s, nor so loud thrasonical&mdash;</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Like Glorious <span class="sc">John</span>'s&mdash;that they sound half ironical!</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">'Tis hard indeed for loyal love to hit</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">The medium just 'twixt sentiment and wit&mdash;&mdash;</span><br /><br />
+
+<div class="direction">[<span class="sc">Toby</span> <i>barks, and a mellifluous voice soundeth, courteously
+intervenient, as two splendid Shades steal silently through the verdurous shadows.</i>
+</div><br />
+
+<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;"><i>First Voice.</i> But you <i>have</i> hit it, never-missing-One!</span><br /><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;"><i>Second Voice.</i> For fulsome twaddle finds best check in Fun!</span><br /><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;"><i>Mr. Punch</i> (<i>with respectful heartiness</i>).</span>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">What! Sweet-voiced Chivalrous-souled <span class="sc">Sidney</span>!!</p>
+<p class="i0">This <i>is</i> a joy! For heroes of your kidney</p>
+<p class="i0"><span class="sc">Punch</span> hath a heartier homage, as he hopes,</p>
+<p class="i0">Than the most thundering Swinburnian tropes</p>
+<p class="i0">Could all express!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;"><i>Spenser</i> (<i>smiling mildly</i>).</span><br />
+
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><span class="sc">Algernon</span>'s one of Us!</p>
+<p class="i0">In fierce superlatives, and foam and fuss,</p>
+<p class="i0">He deals o'ermuch, but proof lies in his page.</p>
+<p class="i0"><i>He</i> 's of the true Parnassian lineage,</p>
+<p class="i0">And should be Laureate&mdash;if he care to be so.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;"><i>Sidney.</i></span>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Would he but heed what <span class="sc">Horace</span> wrote to <span class="sc">Piso</span>!</p>
+<p class="i0">"The singing-skill of god <span class="sc">Apollo</span>'s giving"</p>
+<p class="i0">Is his, however, and no lyrist living</p>
+<p class="i0">Hath such a stretch of finger, or such tone.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;"><i>Mr. Punch.</i></span>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Faith, but he sings immortal Fames&mdash;your own,</p>
+<p class="i0">My <span class="sc">Philip</span>, latest and not least&mdash;in strains</p>
+<p class="i0">That thrill our nerves and mount into our brains.</p>
+<p class="i0">If he would study less in <span class="sc">Gosson</span>'s "School"</p>
+<p class="i0">(That of "Abuse," o'er which you laid the rule</p>
+<p class="i0">In your "Defence of Poesy"), and stay</p>
+<p class="i0">Less in dim Orcus than Arcadia,</p>
+<p class="i0">Then&mdash;well, I might have well been spared this task.</p>
+<p class="i0"><span class="sc">Spenser</span>, <i>you</i> penned <i>your own</i>; now may I ask</p>
+<p class="i0">Epithalamion-recipes from you?</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;"><i>Spenser</i> (<i>smiling</i>).</span><br />
+
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Yes&mdash;when you need them! I was Laureate too!</p>
+<p class="i0">There's enough inspiration in those faces</p>
+</div></div>
+<div class="direction">[<i>Pointing to portraits of the</i> Duke of <span class="sc">York</span> <i>and the</i>
+Princess <span class="sc">May</span>.
+</div>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">To bring the needful Muses, and the Graces,</p>
+<p class="i0">All to your aid!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;"><i>Mr. Punch.</i></span><br />
+
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">By Jove! That "takes the cake."</p>
+<p class="i0">You great Elizabethans had the knack</p>
+<p class="i0">Of courtly compliment. Young <span class="sc">George</span>, fair <span class="sc">May</span>,</p>
+<p class="i0">Shall have your <i>mot</i> upon their marriage day,</p>
+<p class="i0">As a choice wedding gift, to pair with mine!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;"><i>Spenser and Sidney</i> (<i>together</i>). What's that?</span><br /><br />
+
+<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;"><i>Mr. Punch</i> (<i>politely</i>).</span><br />
+
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">One you may share, if you incline.</p>
+<p class="i0"><span class="sc">Tobias</span>, hand the new-bound Oracle here!</p>
+<p class="i0">Take it, brave <span class="sc">Sidney</span>, take it, <span class="sc">Spenser</span> dear!</p>
+<p class="i0">It may enliven e'en this amaranth shore;</p>
+<p class="i0">It is my new</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 75%;">
+<a href="images/0004a.png">
+<img src="images/0004a.png" width="100%" alt="Volume one hundred and four" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%;">
+<a href="images/0004b.png">
+<img src="images/0004b.png" width="100%" alt="Spenser and Sidney" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%;">
+<a href="images/illus-001a.png"></a>
+<img src="images/illus-001a.png" width="100%" alt="Ice skating" />
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>"APPARENT FAILURE."</h2>
+
+<p>["The Private View was not a success.... The dresses which we noticed
+were very ordinary indeed."&mdash;<i>"Art Notes" in a Ladies' Paper.</i>]</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><span class="sc">Not</span> a success&mdash;for every toilet there</p>
+<p class="i2">Was commonplace and stupid, more or less;</p>
+<p class="i0">A fact which clearly made the whole affair,</p>
+<p class="i4">Not a success.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"Were not the pictures good?" Well, we confess</p>
+<p class="i2">We know not, neither do we greatly care;</p>
+<p class="i0">As writers for the fashionable Press,</p>
+<p class="i2">Artistic knowledge falls not to our share;</p>
+<p class="i0">We saw no novelties in hat or dress;</p>
+<p class="i2">Therefore the Show is plainly, we declare,</p>
+<p class="i4">"Not a success."</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%;">
+<a href="images/illus-001b.png">
+<img src="images/illus-001b.png" width="100%"  alt="LIGHT AND LEADING." /></a>
+<h3>"LIGHT AND LEADING."</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="sc">"Bang went Sax-pence!"</span>&mdash;<i>&Agrave; propos</i> of the New Coinage, the <i>Pall Mall
+Gazette</i> is our authority for saying, that "The design for the reverse
+of the half-crown has been prepared by Mr. <span class="sc">Brock</span>." <span class="sc">Brock</span> is a name
+hitherto associated in the popular mind with fireworks; and if the work
+be entrusted to this cunning artificer, he will make the New Coinage go
+off splendidly. He has, we believe, already submitted illuminated
+designs to the <span class="sc">Queen</span>.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="sc">The Kendals</span> are announced to appear at the Avenue Theatre. They start
+with <i>A White Lie</i>. This is the truth. Free admissions will not be heard
+of, except when they give <i>A Scrap of Paper</i>. They are also going to
+produce a new play entitled, <i>Prince Karatoff</i>. The plot, to judge by
+the name, will be of interest to Vegetarians, as it is whispered that
+the hero, <i>Prince Karatoff</i>, falls in love with <i>Princess Turnipon</i>.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="sc">Curiously Appropriate Conjunction of Names.</span>&mdash;On Friday last the <i>Times</i>
+published an important letter on a certain fishery. The fish was the
+Salmon, and the writer of the letter was <span class="sc">Ffennell</span>. We do not remember
+ever having seen Salmon on table without <span class="sc">Ffennell</span>, which is a fanciful
+way of spelling it. All information concerning Salmon may now be
+obtained from a "<span class="sc">Ffennell</span> source."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</a></span>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 55%;">
+<a href="images/illus-002.png">
+<img src="images/illus-002.png" width="100%" alt="THE SONG OF THE SHIRT." /></a>
+<h3>THE SONG OF THE SHIRT.</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<h2>THE SONG OF THE SHIRT.</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>Very Latest Version.</i>)</center>
+
+<p>["There is a grievance which has taken hold in the last few years,
+under which we are all groaning and complaining, without, as far as
+I can see, any present remedy. I allude to the shameful way in which
+our linen is destroyed and knocked about by the existing race of
+Washerwomen in the Metropolis."&mdash; <i>M. J. G.'s Letter on "London
+Laundries," in the Daily Telegraph.</i>]</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">With wristbands grubby and worn,</p>
+<p class="i2">With collars ragged and frayed,</p>
+<p class="i0">A man moaned over a shirt all rags,</p>
+<p class="i2">Cursing the laundress trade.</p>
+<p class="i4">"Scrub! Scrub! Scrub!</p>
+<p class="i0">With lime for extracting the dirt;</p>
+<p class="i0">With chemicals rot, and with wire-brushes rub!"&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i4"><i>That</i>'s the new Song of the Shirt.</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">Buy! Buy! Buy!</p>
+<p class="i0">Though I'm but a poor Clerk, with scant "oof,"</p>
+<p class="i4">Yet it's buy&mdash;buy&mdash;buy!</p>
+<p class="i0">(My hosier's bills furnish full proof),</p>
+<p class="i4">And it's O! to be a slave</p>
+<p class="i2">To my Laundress, who's worse than a Turk.</p>
+<p class="i0">I seldom look nice, and I never can save;</p>
+<p class="i4">And this is woman's work!</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">Rub! Rub! Rub!</p>
+<p class="i0">Till they're rugged at edge and at rim;</p>
+<p class="i4">Scrub! Scrub! Scrub!</p>
+<p class="i0">Till with scissors the cuffs I must trim.</p>
+<p class="i2">Seam, and gusset, and band,</p>
+<p class="i4">Band, and gusset, and seam;</p>
+<p class="i0">And all the buttonholes gape, and the studs</p>
+<p class="i4">Drop out in a golden stream.</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">O Men with sisters who wash,</p>
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</a></span></p>
+<p class="i2">With housewifely mothers or wives,</p>
+<p class="i0">Who "do up" your linen, and <i>don't</i> "put it out,"</p>
+<p class="i2">You lead endurable lives!</p>
+<p class="i4">Wash&mdash;Starch&mdash;Iron!</p>
+<p class="i2"><i>That</i> may mean home dampness and dirt;</p>
+<p class="i0">But at least your collars won't chafe your neck,</p>
+<p class="i2">And you'll boast a wearable shirt!</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">But why do I dream of soap,</p>
+<p class="i2">Or of honest knuckle-bone?</p>
+<p class="i0">Now most men's shirts come home in a shape</p>
+<p class="i4">That's dreadfully like my own&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i4">That's dismally like my own,</p>
+<p class="i0">Unless a home laundry they keep;</p>
+<p class="i2">Great Scott! that shirts should be so dear,</p>
+<p class="i4">And chloride and wire so cheap!</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i4">Scrub! Scrub! Scrub!</p>
+<p class="i0">The wire-brush never flags;</p>
+<p class="i2">And what's the result? A collar that's rough,</p>
+<p class="i4">And a front that's ever in rags!</p>
+<p class="i0">That frayed-out wristband worries me sore,</p>
+<p class="i4">It catches&mdash;and shows&mdash;the dirt.</p>
+<p class="i0">And as for the collar!!!&mdash;I'll bet you a dollar</p>
+<p class="i2">You've never one <i>clean</i> to your shirt.</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i2">Oh! but to breathe the breath</p>
+<p class="i0">Of old country linen so sweet,</p>
+<p class="i2">Wherein lavender was spread,</p>
+<p class="i4">Which was dried on the grass at our feet!</p>
+<p class="i0">For only one short week</p>
+<p class="i2">To feel as I used to feel,</p>
+<p class="i0">Before women washed with chloride of lime,</p>
+<p class="i4">And scrubbed with brushes of steel!</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Oh! but for one short week</p>
+<p class="i2">Of the good old-fashioned wash,</p>
+<p class="i0">Before a laundry meant utter rot,</p>
+<p class="i2">Lime, wax, and such chemical bosh!</p>
+<p class="i0">A little swearing would ease my heart,</p>
+<p class="i2">At that ogress, false, inhuman;</p>
+<p class="i0">So to the papers a line I'll drop,</p>
+<p class="i4">On the Modern Washerwoman!</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">With fingers ready and fleet,</p>
+<p class="i2">With features indignantly red,</p>
+<p class="i0">A poor Clerk wrote of his linen in rags,</p>
+<p class="i2">And this is what he said:&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i4">"Stitch! Stitch! Stitch!</p>
+<p class="i0">Yet <i>I</i> can't keep a decent shirt!</p>
+<p class="i2">The thing has reached an unbearable pitch,</p>
+<p class="i0">So&mdash;as an appeal to the poor and the rich&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i4">I sing the new Song of the Shirt!"</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr  />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/illus-003.png">
+<img src="images/illus-003.png" width="100%" alt="EUPHEMISM." /></a>
+<h3>EUPHEMISM.</h3>
+<p><i>Cab Tout (exasperated by the persistent attentions of Constable).</i>
+"<span class="sc">Look 'ere, ole Lightnin'-ketcher, w'ere the Missin' Word are yer
+shovin' us to?</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>ROBERT ON THE GREAT QUESTION OF THE DAY.</h2>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Jolly</span> old Crismus being cum round agen, as ushal, we had our
+Crismus-Heve supper, as ushal, and henjoyed owrselves till a rayther
+latish hour, as ushal. Upon cumpareing notes, we didn't find as we had
+werry much to complane about, the grand and nobel old wirtue of
+horsepitality perwailing much as ushal.</p>
+
+<p>Howsumdever, upon cumparin notes a second time as to the most poplar
+subjecks of conwersashun at the warious Eleckshun Dinners, on Saint
+Tommas' Day, or the day when the hole of the Common Counselmen has to go
+to their Constittuents for to be elected&mdash;though what St. Tommas ewer
+had to do with it I never could dishcover, no more can <span class="sc">Brown</span>&mdash;we found
+as they was amost all on 'em a torkin about sum grate change, as a lot
+of outsiders called County Counsellors was a going for to try to get
+made; the werry principellist being, <span class="sc">Brown</span> said, that they might have
+occashonal use of the Manshun Ouse, and so give grand Dinners to the
+West-End Swells, and so get them to wote for their having jolly hansum
+allowences with which to pay for 'em! But quiet ole <span class="sc">Joe</span>, who's one of
+them rum fellers as don't say much, but thinks a deal, says, in his
+quiet way, as how as it's werry much wus than that, for, from what a
+werry ancient Deputty said, as he was a helping him to his jugged air,
+he had werry little dowt but that County Counsellors was acshally a
+going in for erbollishing the hold Copperashun altogether! if they can
+git the Goverment to be fools enuff for to promise to 'elp 'em. And
+then, from what he heard from others, they are a going to rob the nobel
+and Charytable Liwery Companys of all the money as they spends so nobly;
+and then, not contented with that, they are a going for to ask Parlyment
+to give them the command of all the sixteen thowsand Policemen as there
+is in the hole of London; and then, not content with that, they are a
+going for to erbolish all the eight Water Companys, and manage it all
+theirselves; and then, not content with that, they are a going to take
+all the Meet Markets, and the Fish Markets, includin Ancient
+Billingsgate, and the Fruit and Wegeral Markets; and then, just to fill
+up sum of their lezzur time, they are a going to erbolish the Thames
+Conserwaters, and manage the River theirselves; and then, as they think
+as them little trifles ain't quite enuff for 'em, they are a going to
+arsk to be aloud to take charge of all the Docks and Wharfs on the
+River! And then, as they will naterally want plenty of<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</a></span> emusement after
+their ard work, they arsks to be aloud to take over the control of All
+the London Theaters!</p>
+
+<p>I had a chat the other day with one of the <span class="sc">Lord Mare</span>'s Footmen, as I
+allers likes to go to the werry hiest orthorities, and he finished by
+saying, most emfatically,&mdash;"Mr. <span class="sc">Robert</span>, I arsks you this simple
+quesshun&mdash;If it takes about two hunderd and thirty gents to keep the
+grand old Citty in the bootiful condishun as it allus is, and to keep us
+all in the helthy condishun as we allus is, and with the remarkabel fine
+happytites as we allus has, its size being ony one square mile, and our
+number ony about fifty thowsand sleepers, and about ten times as many,
+as cums ewery day to hearn their living, how is it possibel for a much
+smaller number of Gents, with werry littel hexperiens, to do the same
+with a plaice about a hunderd and twenty times as big, and with about
+five millions of peepel in it? And you may trust what I says, for I had
+it from our Chapling."</p>
+
+<p>"Why," I says, boldly, "I says at once as I don't beleeve as it's
+posserbel for 'em to do a quorter of it."</p>
+
+<p>"Rite you are, Mr. <span class="sc">Robert</span>!" says he. And so we parted.</p>
+
+<p class="author">Robert.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>AT ANCIENT DRURY.</h2>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 30%;">
+<a href="images/illus-004a.png">
+<img src="images/illus-004a.png" width="100%" alt="actor and  actress" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Druriolanus Magnificus</span> has given us something gorgeous this year in "The
+Hall of a Million Mirrors," the tenth Scene of his Pantomime entitled
+<i>Little Bo-Peep, Little Red Riding Hood, and Hop o' My Thumb</i>, who are
+three very small people,&mdash;"small by degrees and beautifully less"&mdash;to
+make so big a Show. In the Hall of Mirrors appear all the well-known
+representatives of ancient Nursery Rhymes, and all the heroes and
+heroines of the universally familiar Fairy Stories. Down the Palace
+stairs they come, group after group, until the Stage, even of Old Drury,
+can hold no more, and there is scarcely room for them all to move, much
+less to indulge in any "kicking up ahind and afore," as was the wont of
+the Ancient <span class="sc">Joseph</span>, whose fame is hymned in Nigger Minstrelsy. A most
+brilliant scene, never to be forgotten!&mdash;that is, until next Pantomime
+Season, when Sir <span class="sc">Druriolanus</span> will, in all probability, show us something
+equally magnificent, and as perfect in design and colour.</p>
+
+<p>There is such a galaxy of talent, specially of Music-hall talent, with
+the two <span class="sc">Maries</span>, <span class="sc">Loftus</span> and <span class="sc">Lloyd</span>, the <span class="sc">Campbell</span> of that ilk, comical <span class="sc">Dan
+Leno</span> (who looks so comically Thin O), and the amusing Brothers
+<span class="sc">Griffiths</span>, but without the donkey, and with no quadruped to equal him,
+though they do make beasts of themselves by appearing as wolves, who
+will not be kept from the door of <i>Granny Green</i>, Mr. <span class="sc">John D'Auban</span>,
+utterly unrecognisable. Besides these is a Variety Show of other Stars,
+including ever-graceful <span class="sc">Emma D'Auban</span>, and Miss <span class="sc">Mabel Love</span>, of the
+"skirts-so movement," both rightly reckoned in the programme as among
+"the Immortals." Only one fault can be found with the Pantomime, and
+that is, that there are too many brilliant Stars in it. They can't all
+of them, each and severally, get an opportunity of showing how he or she
+can shine in his or her own particular bright way; and so it happens
+that the earliest scenes, which are less crowded, are the best for fun,
+though in the latter, and specially in the one just preceding the
+transformation, there is some capital comic business, and "<span class="sc">Little Tich</span>"
+is at his best in his burlesque of the Skirt Dance. We wonder that this
+clever diminutive person has never appeared as "<i>the</i> Claimant <i>par
+excellence</i>." But perhaps his name is not "<span class="sc">Tich</span>" at all, and so, on his
+first appearance on the world's stage, he was not a "<i>Tich-born</i>."</p>
+
+<p>The <i>Extravaganza</i> portion of the Pantomime&mdash;formerly styled the
+"Opening"&mdash;gave us great pleasure, and the two "Comic Scenes"&mdash;(what are
+all the preceding ones? Are <span class="sc">Campbell</span>, <span class="sc">Leno</span>, <span class="sc">Williams</span>, and "<span class="sc">Little Tich</span>,"
+all tragedians?)&mdash;gave us Great <span class="sc">Payne</span>&mdash;yclept <span class="sc">Harry Payne</span>, the good old
+Conservative "<span class="sc">Joey</span>."</p>
+
+<p>If the possibilities, "<i>per variation et mutation</i>" of gorgeous modern
+Pantomime, are exhausted&mdash;"which," as <span class="sc">Euclid</span> observes, "is
+impossible"&mdash;except we may "add a rider" (as the Clown in the Circle
+might observe) that Pantomime is, in itself, a <i>reductio ad
+absurdum</i>&mdash;then, perchance, Sir <span class="sc">Druriolanus Magnificus</span> may give us next
+Christmas a Shorter Opening, say ten Scenes, to be followed by six
+Harlequinade Scenes, treating, by way of "Review," all the leading
+topics of Ninety-Three. <i>Nous verrons</i>&mdash;at least, such is our hope. And
+so a Prosperous New Year to Sir <span class="sc">Druriolanus</span>, and all his works.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>NOVEL, BUT NOT NEW.</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>A Story of Romance in Town and Country.</i>)</center><br />
+
+<center><span class="sc">Scene I.</span>&mdash;<i>Publisher's Sanctum.</i> Amateur Author <i>discovered in</i>
+<i>consultation with</i> Enterprising Publisher.</center><br />
+
+<p><i>Enterprising Publisher.</i> Yes, my dear Sir, I think, if you pay all the
+expenses, we can see our way to giving <i>An Oppressed Ophelia</i> a chance.</p>
+
+<p><i>Amateur Author.</i> You would not take a small risk?</p>
+
+<p><i>Ent. Publisher.</i> Why no, my dear Sir. I do not see how <i>An Oppressed
+Ophelia</i> can be made a safe investment without your entire assistance.
+Possibly we may treat about your next novel, which I understand you to
+say is called <i>An English Hamlet</i>, on other terms. In the meanwhile, let
+us hope that <i>An Oppressed Ophelia</i> will be successful.</p>
+
+<div class="direction">[<i>Exeunt</i> Author <i>and</i> Publisher <i>severally.</i></div><br />
+
+<center><span class="sc">Scene II.</span>&mdash;<i>The Same. Three months have passed.</i> Publisher <i>and</i>
+Author <i>are discovered discussing the situation.</i></center><br />
+
+<p><i>Author (gloomily).</i> And so you say that <i>An Oppressed Ophelia</i> is a
+dead failure?</p>
+
+<p><i>Publisher (more cheerfully).</i> Yes, my dear Sir, but do not be
+distressed. Thanks to my foresight, and your acquiescence in a
+business-like arrangement, my firm has lost nothing by the transaction.</p>
+
+<p><i>Author (dryly).</i> That I can readily understand! Well, I suppose you
+have plenty of copies you can give back to me?</p>
+
+<p><i>Publisher.</i> Well, scarcely. You see the Londoners did not take up your
+book very warmly; but we have made an arrangement to dispose of the rest
+of the issue in the country at a considerable reduction.</p>
+
+<p><i>Author.</i> And <i>An English Hamlet</i>?</p>
+
+<p><i>Publisher.</i> We shall be glad to produce on the same terms!</p>
+
+<div class="direction">[<i>Exeunt</i> Author <i>and</i> Publisher severally.</div><br />
+
+<center><span class="sc">Scene III.</span>&mdash;<i>Interior of the Circulating Library at
+Slocum-Pogis-on-the-Stodge.</i> Author <i>and</i> Female Librarian
+<i>discovered.</i></center> <br />
+
+<p><i>Author.</i> Well, if you haven't got the popular novels I have already
+mentioned, I will have a book by <span class="sc">Rider Haggard, Stevenson, Meredith</span>, or
+<span class="sc">Rudyard Kipling</span>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Librarian.</i>. All out, Sir. Won't you have something else?</p>
+
+<p><i>Author.</i> Well, an amusing volume of travels or recollections. Can you
+recommend one?</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 25%;">
+<a href="images/illus-004b.png">
+<img src="images/illus-004b.png" width="100%" alt="Man of letters" /></a>
+<span class="caption">Man of letters</span>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Librarian.</i> We did have several books of that kind in the Season, Sir,
+but just now our stock is a little low.</p>
+
+<p><i>Author (nettled).</i> Why, I don't believe you have a book in the shop.
+You seem to be out of everything!</p>
+
+<p><i>Librarian.</i> Oh, yes, we have, Sir. Here, for instance, is one of this
+year's novels. It's called <i>An Oppressed Ophelia</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Author (pleased).</i> Oh, you have got that, have you?</p>
+
+<p><i>Librarian.</i> Got it! Why, the whole place is full of them! To tell you
+the truth, Sir, it came down by mistake. We ordered books by <span class="sc">Black,
+Meredith, Stevenson</span>, and the rest of them, and they sent us back, by
+accident, I suppose, a dozen copies of <i>An Oppressed Ophelia</i>. If you
+would like it, Sir, I will look you out a copy with some of the leaves
+cut.</p>
+
+<p><i>Author (shortly).</i> No, thankee, I've read it!</p>
+
+<div class=" direction">[<i>Exit.</i></div>
+
+<p><i>Librarian.</i> Dear me, what an odd gentleman! He's the first as has read
+<i>An Oppressed Ophelia</i>, although I have had it in the shop these six
+months!</p>
+
+<div class=" direction">[<i>Scene closes in upon her astonishment.</i></div><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span>
+
+<h2>"SOME TALK OF ALEXANDER."</h2>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 20%;">
+<a href="images/illus-005a.png">
+<img src="images/illus-005a.png" width="100%" alt="Question time." /></a>
+<span class="caption">Question time.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>If my memory serves me faithfully, the above heading is a quotation from
+the first verse of "<i>The British Grenadiers</i>," and is peculiarly
+applicable just now to the Lessee of the St. James's Theatre, Mr. <span class="sc">George
+Alexander</span>, who has got a decided success in the original Comedy, written
+by Mr. <span class="sc">R. C. Carton</span>, entitled <i>Liberty Hall</i>, an excellent and a
+catching name, that perhaps might have been better bestowed on a larger
+picture. To play with "reserved force" until the passionate moment
+arrives, is all that Mr. <span class="sc">Alexander</span> has to do; but this he does
+admirably, never under-acting, never over-acting, always as natural as a
+quiet gentleman, of a peculiarly romantic turn of mind, yet with a keen
+but chastened appreciation of a practical joke, kept all to himself for
+five months, should be.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 20%;">
+<a href="images/illus-005c.png">
+<img src="images/illus-005c.png" width="100%" alt="Put a penny in the hat, and the figure will work." /></a>
+<span class="caption">Put a penny in the hat, and the figure will work.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Had he been compelled by circumstances to sustain the <i>alias</i>, and to continue playing the part of a <i>Burchell</i> in
+<span class="sc">Goldsmith</span>'s <i>Vicar of Wakefield</i> for one month longer, could he have
+done it? However, as the piece has "caught on," it may be that Mr.
+<span class="sc">Alexander</span> will have to play the part of <i>Mr. Burchell alias Owen</i> for
+even longer than half a year; and, as he selected the piece, and as he
+plays this part excellently, it is mainly Owin' to <span class="sc">Alexander</span> that the
+piece is payin.' Mr. <span class="sc">Ben Webster</span> is good as the somewhat
+gentlemanly-caddish mixture called <i>The Hon. Gould Harringay</i>. Mr.
+<span class="sc">Nutcombe Gould</span>, as a Family Solicitor, deeply interests everybody in the
+First Act; "and then," like <i>Macbeth's</i> "poor player,"&mdash;which Mr. N. G.
+isn't, far from it,&mdash;"is heard no more." Perhaps, during the Pantomime
+season, he might re-appear at the finish with a slight addition to his
+head-gear, as intimated in this little sketch of him, when he could
+observe confidentially to the audience, "Here we are again!" But this is
+only a hint, to the practical use of which, Mr. <span class="sc">Gould</span>, by the kind
+permission of Mr. <span class="sc">Alexander</span>, is heartily welcome.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 15%;">
+<a href="images/illus-005b.png">
+<img src="images/illus-005b.png" width="100%" alt="The &quot;Seasonable&quot; Lawyer." /></a>
+<span class="caption">The &quot;Seasonable&quot; Lawyer.</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>Capital is Miss <span class="sc">Fanny Coleman</span> as the housekeeper and maid-of-all-work;
+and, in the small part of <i>Todman's</i> shop-boy, Master <span class="sc">Richard Saker</span>
+shows that, as <i>Mr. Wardle</i> said of <i>Mr. Tupman</i>, when he brought down
+the birds with his eyes shut, he is "an older hand at this than we
+thought for." If he works at his profession, he will show himself "a
+wise-<span class="sc">Saker</span>." Mr. <span class="sc">Holles</span> and Miss <span class="sc">Ailsa Craig</span>, in two very small but
+strongly-marked character-parts, add to the general efficiency of an
+exceptionally complete cast. Miss <span class="sc">Maude Millett</span> makes the indiscreet
+<i>Amy Chilworth</i> a very sweet person, but it is Miss <span class="sc">Marion Terry</span> who has
+in her hands the one strong dramatic situation at the end of the Third
+Act. It is a situation which, no matter what might have been the
+author's conception of it, depends for its effect solely and only on the
+actress; and Miss <span class="sc">Marion Terry</span>, as she sits, rises to the occasion. It
+is long since Mr. <span class="sc">Righton</span> has had such a part as that of <i>Todman</i>, the
+quaint little old-fashioned bookshop-keeper, and to this quite
+Dickensian character, the actor does thorough justice; as also does Mr.
+<span class="sc">H. Vincent</span> to the somewhat highly coloured blusterous part of
+<i>Briginshaw</i>. Mr. <span class="sc">Alexander</span> commences the new year well.</p>
+<p>"<i>Prosit!</i>" chirps&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<span class="sc">The Critic off the Hearth.</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>A MOAN OF MERRY CHRISTMAS.</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>By Our Own Dismal Dyspeptic.</i>)</center>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Oh, Christmas is a season when this melancholy earth</p>
+<p class="i0">Has to put on the appearance of ungovernable mirth&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i0">a chuckle for your ordinary sigh,</p>
+<p class="i0">And you give each other presents that you can't afford to buy&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i0">When the little boys with snowballs are so shockingly unkind,</p>
+<p class="i0">And improve on the occasion to attack you from behind&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i0">When the mistletoe its terrors at the bashful person hurls,</p>
+<p class="i0">And you have to kiss a number of unpleasant-looking girls!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Oh, Christmas is a season when the children make a row,</p>
+<p class="i0">And you have to bear it patiently&mdash;although you don't know how&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i0">When they will not let you slumber in your comfortable chair,</p>
+<p class="i0">But crawl and tumble over you and ruffle up your hair&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i0">When <span class="sc">Tom</span> and <span class="sc">Dick</span> are home from school with all their nasty
+tricks,</p>
+<p class="i0">And have terrific combats with a pair of single-sticks&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i0">When Auntie comes to stay with us, and always takes their parts.</p>
+<p class="i0">And you smile a sickly smile, and murmur, "<i>Bless</i> their little hearts!"</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Oh, Christmas is a season when the beef is very fat,</p>
+<p class="i0">(And it turns me topsy-turvey at the simple thought of that!)&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i0">When it seems as if your relatives could never eat enough,</p>
+<p class="i0">And you have to look contented as you sit and watch them stuff&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i0">When they give you Christmas pudding, and consider it a treat,</p>
+<p class="i0">Though they know that you are feeling far too bilious to eat&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i0">When the very house reverberates with tradesmen's constant knocks,</p>
+<p class="i0">As they call in quick succession to demand a Christmas-box!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Oh, Christmas is a season, when I long to sit alone,</p>
+<p class="i0">In some clean and quiet garret, I can really call my own;</p>
+<p class="i0">Where no Christmas Cards can reach me with their idiotic rhymes&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i0">Where I never hear of <span class="sc">Harris</span>, and his splendid Pantomimes.</p>
+<p class="i0">Where the turkey and the goose would feel distinctly out of place,</p>
+<p class="i0">Where no pallid pie of mincemeat, dares to look me in the face;</p>
+<p class="i0">Where I don't see coloured plates from Christmas Numbers on the wall,</p>
+<p class="i0">Where, in fact, I can forget that it is Christmas-time at all!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/illus-006a.png">
+<img src="images/illus-006a.png" width="100%" alt="A REMINISCENCE." /></a>
+<h3>A REMINISCENCE.</h3>
+<p><i>Aunt Molly</i> (<i>on hospitable thoughts intent</i>). "<span class="sc">You shall have <i>this</i>
+Bedroom, Mike&mdash;the same that you had last Christmas!</span>"</p>
+<p><i>Mike.</i> "<span class="sc">Oh, not <i>that</i> Bedroom, Aunt Molly!&mdash;it's choke full of
+<i>Dreams</i>!</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr /><br />
+
+<p><span class="sc">Latest from "The Gilbert Islands."</span>&mdash;Sir <span class="sc">Arthur Sullivan</span> will probably
+stay in these islands while writing his new Opera. If successful, these
+islands will then be annexed by Manager <span class="sc">D'Oyly Carte</span> under the style and
+title of "The Gilbert and Sullivan Islands."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>ON A NEW YEAR'S CARD.</h2>
+
+<center>["With kind regards and best wishes for 1893, from Mr. and Mrs. T.
+<span class="sc">Brown-Smith</span> and family."]</center>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><span class="sc">From Tom!</span> It's thirty years ago</p>
+<p class="i2">Or more, since, destined to talk Tamil, he</p>
+<p class="i0">Set sail for foreign lands. And so</p>
+<p class="i2">To-day he boasts a wife and family.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:20%">
+<a href="images/illus-006b.png">
+<img src="images/illus-006b.png" width="100%" alt="Male figure" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Yes, <span class="sc">Tom</span> and I were chums at school,</p>
+<p class="i2">The Matron&mdash;how we used to fool her!</p>
+<p class="i0">We broke the very self-same rule,</p>
+<p class="i2">We felt the very self-same ruler.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">We gladly in those classic groves</p>
+<p class="i2">Accepted all the Fates provided,</p>
+<p class="i0">And even in our school-boy loves</p>
+<p class="i2">We did not care to be divided.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Three years at Cambridge&mdash;where we spent</p>
+<p class="i2">Our money, "linked in friendly tether,"</p>
+<p class="i0">Three years that all too quickly went,</p>
+<p class="i2">Then <i>we</i> went down, and went together.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Next year 'twas <span class="sc">Tom</span> who went abroad;</p>
+<p class="i2">He vowed that he'd be married&mdash;never!</p>
+<p class="i0">But I was then engaged to <span class="sc">Maude</span>,</p>
+<p class="i2">To <span class="sc">Maude</span>, who swore to love me ever.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Perhaps she kept her plighted word&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">But, if she did, she chose as funny</p>
+<p class="i0">A way as I have ever heard&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">She married Some One Else and Money.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Maybe she did not feel inclined</p>
+<p class="i2">To risk the bread-and-cheese and kisses,</p>
+<p class="i0">Or else her calculating mind</p>
+<p class="i2">Preferred "Her Ladyship" to "Mrs."</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">So I'm unmarried to this day,</p>
+<p class="i2">And live without the great felicity</p>
+<p class="i0">Which, as <span class="sc">Tom</span> used of old to say,</p>
+<p class="i2">Can't fail to wait on domesticity.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">That joy is his alone, not mine,</p>
+<p class="i2">Misogynist he liked to call himself,</p>
+<p class="i0">Whilst I thought every girl divine&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Yet <span class="sc">Tom</span> has been the first to fall himself.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+
+<div class="figright" style="width:45%">
+<a href="images/illus-006c.png">
+<img src="images/illus-006c.png" width="100%" alt="Male pushing female in a wheelchair"/></a>
+</div>
+
+<p class="i0">I've missed the sweets of married life,</p>
+<p class="i2">The bills, the coos, and all the rest of it!</p>
+<p class="i0">I cannot boast, like <span class="sc">Tom</span>, a wife,</p>
+<p class="i2">I wonder, tho', who's got the best of it?</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Fair <span class="sc">Maude</span>, I willingly allow</p>
+<p class="i2">I thought my heart for ever riven.</p>
+<p class="i0">It wasn't so at all, and now</p>
+<p class="i2">Your Ladyship is quite forgiven.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">And <span class="sc">Tom</span>, old friend&mdash;tried, trusty, true,</p>
+<p class="i2">Across the seas these lines will carry</p>
+<p class="i0">All New-Year greetings, <span class="sc">Tom</span>, to you</p>
+<p class="i2">And yours, from Yours, as ever, <span class="sc">Harry</span>.</p>
+</div></div><br />
+
+<hr /><br />
+
+<p>Should there be a hard frost, lady-skaters in Hyde Park will be able to
+give quite a new turn to the "Serpentine Dance."</p><br />
+
+<hr class="short" /><br />
+
+<span class="sc">Crinoline</span> is gradually coming in again. She re-enters to the air of
+<i>"Steel so gently o'er Me steeling</i>."<br /><br />
+
+<hr /><br />
+
+<h2>THE FRENCH "SERPENTINE DANCE"</h2>
+
+<center><span class="sc">or, Pas de Panama</span>.</center>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">The Minuet's cold and modish grace,</p>
+<p class="i2">Delirium of the Carmagnole,</p>
+<p class="i0">Fair France has known. How will she pace</p>
+<p class="i2"><i>This</i> frantic dance, and to what goal?</p>
+<p class="i0">Beginning in triumphant sport,</p>
+<p class="i2">She's tremulous now, with terror cold.</p>
+<p class="i0">The whirl so dizzies, she breathes short;</p>
+<p class="i2">The serpent spirals seem to fold</p>
+<p class="i0">Laoc&ouml;on-like about her limbs.</p>
+<p class="i2">Tarantula-bitten victims so</p>
+<p class="i0">Whirl madly. Shrinks her head and swims;</p>
+<p class="i2">This is not glory's ardent glow,</p>
+<p class="i0">But fever's hectic, herald sure</p>
+<p class="i2">Of dread corruption, if unstayed.</p>
+<p class="i0">Dance on the footing insecure</p>
+<p class="i2">Of the keen edge of War's red blade,</p>
+<p class="i0">Rather than this mad dervish spin,</p>
+<p class="i2">Drunk with that poison-breath;</p>
+<p class="i0">The music is the devil's din,</p>
+<p class="i2">The dance&mdash;the modern Dance of Death!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/illus-007.png">
+<img src="images/illus-007.png" width="100%" alt="FRENCH SERPENTINE DANCE" /></a>
+<h3>THE FRENCH "SERPENTINE DANCE;"</h3>
+<h4>OR, PAS DE PANAMA.</h4>
+</div>
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 100%">
+<a href="images/illus-009.png">
+<img src="images/illus-009.png" width="50%"  alt="Montagu Williams." /></a>
+</div>
+
+<center><span class="sc">Born, 1834. Died, Dec. 23, 1892.</span></center><br />
+
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">["He will be missed far more by lawyers and the world at large than
+many men who hold more important offices in his profession."&mdash;<i>The Times.</i>]</span>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Companions of his ardent youth,</p>
+<p class="i2">Or comrades of his riper years;</p>
+<p class="i0">The poor who felt his kindly ruth,</p>
+<p class="i2">And mourn him with unpurchased tears;</p>
+<p class="i0">Men of the world whose mordant sense</p>
+<p class="i2">Shorn of all maudlin sentiment</p>
+<p class="i0">Seemed the sharp touchstone of pretence;</p>
+<p class="i2">Soft hearts on swift world-bettering bent,</p>
+<p class="i0">All miss, all mourn the man whom all</p>
+<p class="i0">Responsive found to each high call.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Old long-dead days of boisterous mirth,</p>
+<p class="i2">Far dim-seen hours of arduous fight</p>
+<p class="i0">When gaiety possessed the earth,</p>
+<p class="i2">When morning felt no fear of night;</p>
+<p class="i0">School-form, field, footlights, club! <i>Eheu</i></p>
+<p class="i2"><i>Fugaces!</i> These, indeed, are fled,</p>
+<p class="i0">But thoughts of dashing <span class="sc">Montagu</span>,</p>
+<p class="i2">That dauntless soul now lying dead,</p>
+<p class="i0">After long fight with pitiless pain</p>
+<p class="i0">Make the old memories live again.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Before the triumphs of the Court,</p>
+<p class="i2">Before the honours of the Bench,</p>
+<p class="i0">Wild days there were of toil and sport,</p>
+<p class="i2">Long ere our brows had learned to blench</p>
+<p class="i0">At threatenings of the first grey hair.</p>
+<p class="i2">Ah! cordial comrade, champion stout,</p>
+<p class="i0">The fierce ordeal you had to bear</p>
+<p class="i2">Is ended; fortune's final flout</p>
+<p class="i0">Has fallen, and that gallant breast</p>
+<p class="i0">Is still at last in well-earned rest.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">It was your happy lot to blend</p>
+<p class="i2">Sound brain and sympathetic heart;</p>
+<p class="i0">The loyal service of a friend,</p>
+<p class="i2">With worldly wisdom keen and tart.</p>
+<p class="i0">Shrewd advocate and councillor keen,</p>
+<p class="i2">You knew the world, yet pitied it;</p>
+<p class="i0">Compassion mild, not cynic spleen</p>
+<p class="i2">Tempered the edge of caustic wit.</p>
+<p class="i0">Farewell! It dims much pomp and state,</p>
+<p class="i0"><i>Your</i> title&mdash;"Poor Man's Magistrate!"</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>AN IDYLL OF THE CROWD.</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>A Tip (after Tennyson) to Tory Topsawyers.</i>)</center>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Come down, O Scribe, from yonder sniffy height;</p>
+<p class="i0">What pleasure lives in "sniff" (the Councillor sang),</p>
+<p class="i0">In sniff and scorn, the weakness of the "swells"?</p>
+<p class="i0">But cease to move so near the clouds, and cease</p>
+<p class="i0">To sit a votary of the "Great Pooh-Pooh";</p>
+<p class="i0">And come, for Labour's in the valley, come,</p>
+<p class="i0">For Toil dwells in the valley, come thou down</p>
+<p class="i0">And watch him; by the dim slum threshold, he,</p>
+<p class="i0">Or hand in hand with poverty in the docks,</p>
+<p class="i0">Or black with stithy-swartness by the forge,</p>
+<p class="i0">Or troll-like in the mine; nor cares to walk</p>
+<p class="i0">With Wealth and Fashion in the parks and squares;</p>
+<p class="i0">But <i>follow!</i> Come thou down, and let the cold</p>
+<p class="i0">Cramp-headed cynics yelp alone, and leave</p>
+<p class="i0">The mugwump scoffers there to shape and sleek</p>
+<p class="i0">Their thousand paragraphs of acrid joke</p>
+<p class="i0">That like a squirting fountain waste in air:</p>
+<p class="i0">So waste thou not; but come; for hunger pale</p>
+<p class="i0">Awaits thee; haggard pillars of the hearth</p>
+<p class="i0">Appeal to thee; slum children call, and now</p>
+<p class="i0">The Crowd's astir, with every man a Vote</p>
+<p class="i0">To give him voice, and in that voice you'll hear</p>
+<p class="i0">Myriads of "movements" hurrying into "laws,"</p>
+<p class="i0">The moan of men at immemorial ills,</p>
+<p class="i0">And murmuring of innumerable shes.</p>
+</div></div>
+<hr />
+
+<h2>MY LANDSCAPE.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Calm sea, the mirror of a cloudless sky,</p>
+<p class="i2">Blue mountains, in the purple distance fading,</p>
+<p class="i0">Tall, dark-hued pines, through which faint zephyrs sigh,</p>
+<p class="i6">A garden shading.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">A view that might inspire a poet's voice,</p>
+<p class="i2">Or minstrel's lute to sweetest music waken&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i0">I came to paint this subject of my choice;</p>
+<p class="i6">My place was taken!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">I muttered angry words between my teeth;</p>
+<p class="i2">I could not see the features of <i>la bella</i>,</p>
+<p class="i0">I only saw a dress and cloak beneath</p>
+<p class="i6">A great umbrella.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Perhaps some girl, her hair a touzled mop,</p>
+<p class="i2">Plain-featured, round in shoulder, unpoetic,</p>
+<p class="i0">With hygienic boots that flatly flop&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i6">Old style &aelig;sthetic.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">I came a little closer, just to see.</p>
+<p class="i2">Ye gods, her looks and form were not alarming!</p>
+<p class="i0">A graceful, sweet-faced, dainty maiden she,</p>
+<p class="i6">Completely charming.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">The landscape that I loved was what she drew.</p>
+<p class="i2">I felt my coolness towards her quickly thawing;</p>
+<p class="i0">I also stayed to sketch that charming view&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i6">Here is my drawing.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%;">
+<a href="images/illus-009a.png">
+<img src="images/illus-009a.png" width="100%" alt="MY LANDSCAPE." /></a>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>"SIC ITUR."</h2>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/illus-009b.png">
+<img src="images/illus-009b.png" width="100%" alt="Old Father Time" /></a>
+
+</div>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">The Old Year flits, the New Year comes,</p>
+<p class="i2">And, through such severance, man contrives</p>
+<p class="i0">To parcel out in little sums</p>
+<p class="i2">The little measurements of lives.</p>
+<p class="i0">We feign the one a different year,</p>
+<p class="i2">Outworn, by solemn bells outrung&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i0">The other, foundling of our sphere,</p>
+<p class="i2">As radiant, innocent, and young.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Farewell! we cry, to Ninety-Two,</p>
+<p class="i2">Its lapses and encompassings,</p>
+<p class="i0">We bid them all a fond adieu,</p>
+<p class="i2">And fix our gaze on fresher things;</p>
+<p class="i0">What has not been we dream will be,</p>
+<p class="i2">The wounds will heal, the flaws will mend,</p>
+<p class="i0">And hopes be born of Ninety-Three</p>
+<p class="i2">That older, cherished hopes transcend.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">It is not thus; Time mocks at pause,</p>
+<p class="i2">In march continual onward goes;</p>
+<p class="i0">Th' unfailing progress of his laws,</p>
+<p class="i2">No respite nor effacement knows;</p>
+<p class="i0">This year is but the force of last,</p>
+<p class="i2">Not something new to mortal ken;</p>
+<p class="i0">Heredity's enchainment vast</p>
+<p class="i2">Enthrals the moments as the men.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Yet welcome still, our childish trust,</p>
+<p class="i2">Which breathes a truth that Science mars;</p>
+<p class="i0">Our ladder, based upon the dust,</p>
+<p class="i2">Mounts ever nearer steadfast stars;</p>
+<p class="i0">And, though the rungs be still the same,</p>
+<p class="i2">The glimpses, as we strive to rise,</p>
+<p class="i0">Are, 'spite our mists of sin and shame,</p>
+<p class="i2">More closely neighbouring the skies.</p>
+</div></div>
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>MIXED NOTIONS.</h2>
+
+<h4>No. III.&mdash;PANAMA.</h4>
+
+<div class="direction"><span class="sc">Scene</span>, <i>and persons as before&mdash;namely, two</i> Well-informed Men, <i>an</i>
+Inquirer, <i>and an</i> Average Man, <i>travelling up together in a
+suburban morning-train to London.</i></div>
+
+<p><i>First Well-informed Man.</i> Jolly old mess they seem to have got into in
+Paris over this Panama business. I see they arrested half-a-dozen more
+of them yesterday.</p>
+
+<p><i>Second W. I. M.</i> Yes&mdash;and they haven't done yet. I knew, months and
+months ago, the crash must come. That French chap, <span class="sc">Lampion</span> told me all
+about it. He says it'll bust up the Republic before they've done with
+it.</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> And a good thing too. That kind of corruption only
+flourishes under a Republican form of government. They want a strong man
+in France, that's what they want.</p>
+
+<p><i>Average Man.</i> I don't believe much in your strong men. I suppose the
+last Emperor was a pretty fair specimen; but they seem to have had some
+high old ramps under him, too. Besides, look at Russia.</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> You can't bring Russia forward as an example.</p>
+
+<p><i>Second W. I. M.</i> Of course not. Russia don't count.</p>
+
+<p><i>A. M.</i> Why not? I don't suppose you can make a man much stronger than
+the <span class="sc">Czar</span>; but, if we're to believe what we're told, the whole place is
+honeycombed with corruption. Why&mdash;(<i>to</i> First W. I. M.)&mdash;you were saying
+yourself, only the other day, that Russia was corrupt to the core.</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> Oh, but I was speaking of something quite different.
+Russia is a country <i>per se</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Inquirer.</i> I thought Russia was an Autocracy.</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> It's the same thing.</p>
+
+<p><i>Second W. I. M.</i> (<i>after a pause</i>). Well, anyhow, we in England haven't
+done anything of the kind. You can't deny that.</p>
+
+<p><i>A. M.</i> No, we haven't done anything quite on the same scale lately, I
+admit that. But we've done our best with worthless mines, and bogus
+Companies of all kinds, and financial papers, and Building Societies.
+Seems to me we've no right to chuck stones at poor old <span class="sc">Lesseps</span>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Inquirer.</i> Is that the same old chap who did something in Egypt some
+years ago?</p>
+
+<p><i>Second W. I. M.</i> (<i>smiling, and superior</i>). Yes, the very same. He made
+the Suez Canal.</p>
+
+<p><i>Inquirer.</i> Of course&mdash;so he did. That was what we went to the Soudan
+for, wasn't it?</p>
+
+<p><i>Second W. I. M.</i> (<i>dubiously</i>). Well, it had something to do with it,
+of course. As we'd got four million pounds' worth of shares in the
+Canal, we couldn't afford to see it upset. And then (<i>brightening</i>)
+there was the Dual Control. That was really at the bottom of the whole
+business.</p>
+
+<p><i>Inquirer.</i> The Dual Control? I don't remember what that was.</p>
+
+<p><i>Second W. I. M.</i> Why, don't you remember <span class="sc">Arabi</span> setting himself up
+against the <span class="sc">Khedive</span>? Well, naturally, we couldn't stand the two of them
+playing their games there; so we just had to nip in, and smash old
+<span class="sc">Arabi</span>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Inquirer.</i> Of course, I remember the whole business now; Khartoum, and
+the <span class="sc">Mahdi</span>, and all the rest of it. [<i>A pause.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Inquirer</i> (<i>returning to the charge</i>). I wonder why they called it the
+Panama Canal?</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> Why shouldn't they? It happens to be its name.</p>
+
+<p><i>Inquirer.</i> Yes, I know that's its name now. But why call it after a
+straw hat?</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> (<i>amazed</i>). After a <i>what</i>?</p>
+
+<p><i>Inquirer.</i> After a straw hat.</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> (<i>calmly, but firmly</i>). It isn't called after a straw
+hat. The straw hat's called after it. That's all.</p>
+
+<p><i>Inquirer</i> (<i>dogged, and unconvinced</i>). Well, anyhow, I know I bought a
+Panama hat last summer&mdash;and deuced expensive it was, too.</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> My dear boy, it was made in Panama. Panama's a place.</p>
+
+<p><i>Inquirer.</i> Well, I'm dashed! I never knew that. But what on earth do
+they want a Canal there for?</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> Oh, well, I'm bound to admit it would be a convenience.
+Just think how it would shorten the sea-route. Instead of having to go
+all the way round Cape What's-his-name&mdash;what <i>is</i> that blessed Cape's
+name?</p>
+
+<p><i>Second W. I. M.</i> (<i>tentatively</i>). Cape of Good Hope?</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> No, no&mdash;they're building the Nicaragua Canal for that.
+Cape&mdash;Cape&mdash;why, dash it, I shall be forgetting my own name next!</p>
+
+<p><i>Inquirer</i> (<i>brilliantly</i>). Capricorn.</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> Yes, that's it! Well, instead of having to go all round
+Cape Ricorn, all we've got to do is to sail to Panama, and&mdash;(<i>impotently
+concluding</i>)&mdash;there we are!</p>
+
+<p><i>Second W. I. M.</i> Ah, but I don't think they'll ever finish it.</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> I'm not so sure about that; but, of course, the French
+couldn't do it.</p>
+
+<p><i>Second W. I. M.</i> Of course not.</p>
+
+<div class="direction">[<i>Terminus.</i></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 45%">
+<a href="images/illus-010.png">
+<img src="images/illus-010.png" width="100%" alt="CREDE EXPERTO" /></a>
+<h3>"CREDE EXPERTO."</h3>
+<p><i>Q.C.</i> "<span class="sc">Yes; I like the Army as a Profession. I mean to put my Son into
+it.</span>"</p>
+<p><i>Little Snooks</i> (<i>who was Gazetted the week before last</i>). "<span class="sc">Ah, you take
+the advice of a Man who knows all about it&mdash;and <i>don't!</i></span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>VERY CIVIL LAW.</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>With Mr. Punch's Compliments to the London County Council.</i>)</center><br />
+
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;"><span class="sc">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>The Interior of the Court under the Patronage of the London</i>
+<i>County Council.</i> Judge, <i>appointed according to the popular view,</i>
+<i>discovered in the act of passing sentence.</i> </span><br />
+
+<p><i>Judge.</i> Prisoner in the dock, or I should say, my good friend&mdash;for are
+we not all liable to err?&mdash;I have no wish to increase the natural
+embarrassment of your position. I am here, as you know, to dispense
+judgment. This I tell you judicially. I am, when I make this statement,
+merely the mouthpiece of the Law. In my private capacity, I am deeply
+sorry for you.</p>
+
+<p><i>Prisoner</i> (<i>much affected</i>). Thank you kindly, Sir.</p>
+
+<p><i>Judge.</i> My dear friend, I feel for your misfortunes. I make every
+allowance for them. By the Statute under whose provisions both of us are
+here, I notice that I have the power to sentence you to seven years'
+penal servitude.</p>
+
+<p><i>Prisoner</i> (<i>startled</i>). Seven years! But you ain't going to do it?</p>
+
+<p><i>Judge.</i> My dear friend, I will do nothing that is unjust.</p>
+
+<p><i>Prisoner</i> (<i>angrily</i>). You'd better not, or you'll 'ear of it again!</p>
+
+<p><i>Judge.</i> I hope, I do hope that is not intended as a threat! My object
+is to treat you courteously, and even considerately, but, as I have
+already remarked, the Law is, in fact, the Law. Although I represent the
+London County Council to a very large extent, still I am a Member of the
+Bar, and, by virtue of my office, a gentleman. Under these
+circumstances, I shall only be doing my duty&mdash;painful as its performance
+may be&mdash;when I sentence you to be kept in penal servitude for seven
+years.</p>
+
+<p><i>Prisoner</i> (<i>indignantly</i>). What, seven years! Why, you&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<span style="margin-left: 2em;">[<i>Scene closes in hurriedly upon a flood of language more forcible
+than polite. Curtain.</i> </span><br /><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/illus-010.png">
+<img src="images/illus-011.png" width="100%" alt="THE GRAND OLD PRINTER." /></a>
+<h3>THE GRAND OLD PRINTER.</h3>
+<p><span class="sc">Several Reports have appeared in the Papers about the Printing of the
+New Home-Rule Bill by an Old Experienced Hand working in secret.</span></p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/illus-012a.png">
+<img src="images/illus-012a.png" width="100%" alt="AN UNDERGROUND SELL." /></a>
+<h3>AN UNDERGROUND SELL.</h3>
+<p><i>First Passenger.</i> <span class="sc">"They say they've put on Detectives 'ere, to catch
+Coves as travels without Tickets."</span></p>
+<p><i>Second Passenger.</i> <span class="sc">"'Ave they? Well, all I can say is, <i>I</i> can Travel
+as often as I like from Cannon Street to Victoria, and not pay a'Apenny!"</span></p>
+<p><i>Detective.</i> <span class="sc">"See Here Mate; I'll give you Half-a-Crown if you tell me
+how you do it."</span></p>
+<p><i>Second Passenger</i> (<i>after pocketing the Half-Crown</i>). <span class="sc">"Well,&mdash;when I
+wants to git from Cannon Street to Victoria without payin'&mdash;<i>I walks!</i>"</span></p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+
+<h3>"CUT AND COME AGAIN."</h3>
+
+<div class="center">
+
+The Annual New-Year's Dinner of Anti-Vivisectionists took place
+yesterday. The following was the <i>menu</i>:&mdash;<br /><br />
+
+Oysters&mdash;eaten alive.<br /><br />
+
+Turtle Soup&mdash;the Turtle having been
+exhibited for several days previously
+in a Confectioner's window.<br /><br />
+
+Stewed Eels&mdash;chopped up wriggling.<br /><br />
+
+Lobsters&mdash;-boiled alive.<br /><br />
+
+Prawns&mdash;ditto ditto.<br /><br />
+
+Curried Rabbit&mdash;trapped.<br /><br />
+
+P&acirc;t&eacute;s de Foies Gras.<br /><br />
+
+Roast Pork&mdash;Prize Pig, suffocated
+at a show.<br /><br />
+
+Roast Veal&mdash;Calf bled to death to
+secure an elegant whiteness.<br /><br />
+</div>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="sc">Problem.</span>&mdash;- At the stranding-of-the-<i>Howe</i> trial there appeared a
+Witness, whose official position, it appears, is "Hydrographer of the
+Navy." What is a hydrographer? clearly, by derivation, "a drawer of
+water." But a ship also "draws water." Therefore, logically, a
+Hydrographer is a ship. But a ship is never put into a witness-box,
+where it would be quite at sea, but in the dock, where it could be quite
+at home. "Truly," writes our Puzzled Correspondent, "there is a muddle
+somewhere." <i>Q. E. D.</i></p>
+
+<hr class="short" /><br />
+
+<center><span class="sc">A Cheerful Investment.</span>&mdash;A Laughing-Stock.</center><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>SAFE PREDICTIONS FOR THE YEAR.</h2>
+
+<p>Someone will write about the extraordinary characteristic of the Season,
+whether it be warm or cold.</p>
+
+<p>There will be a Political Crisis in Paris on the average of once in
+every six weeks.</p>
+
+<p>The German Emperor will continue his tours, to the great inconvenience
+of the Crowned Heads he favours with a visit.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Gladstone</span> will lecture, write articles to the Magazines, fell trees,
+and govern the country, as per usual.</p>
+
+<p>Someone will get a trifle tired of Home Rule, the Channel Tunnel, and
+General <span class="sc">Booth</span>.</p>
+
+<p>A few persons will leave Europe for America, to see the Chicago
+Exhibition.</p>
+
+<p>A crowd (more or less) will attend the Oxford and Cambridge Boat-race,
+the Derby, and the Private View at the Royal Academy.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. <span class="sc">Smith</span> (after having been presented by My Lady <span class="sc">Brown</span>) will present
+Miss <span class="sc">Smith</span>, Miss <span class="sc">Elfrida Smith</span>, and Miss <span class="sc">Victoria Alexandra Smith</span>, at
+Her <span class="sc">Majesty's</span> Drawing-Room.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. and Mrs. <span class="sc">Portland Snooks</span> will give a dinner-party, which will be
+reported in the Society papers.</p>
+
+<p>The First Nights at the Lyceum will be amongst the features of the
+Season.</p>
+
+<p>There will be several failures at the Theatres, and also a success or
+two.</p>
+
+<p>There will be half a dozen full-dress debates in the House of Commons,
+and as many important divisions.</p>
+
+<p>The "Popular Budget" is sure, with some people, to be exceedingly
+unpopular.</p>
+
+<p>The London County Council and the School Board will be censured by the
+Press.</p>
+
+<p>There will be any number of railway "accidents," and avoidable "deaths
+by misadventure."</p>
+
+<p>It will be discovered that the British Army is a myth, and that the
+British Navy is a snare and a delusion.</p>
+
+<p>Parliament will be up in time for the partridges, even if a little late
+for the grouse.</p>
+
+<p>Everyone will praise the United Kingdom as the land of the tourist, and
+promptly go abroad.</p>
+
+<p>A subject of deep domestic importance will be discussed in the columns
+devoted to correspondence in the daily papers during the Silly Season.</p>
+
+<p>A new Author will be discovered, and spring into great popularity with
+the Publishers, if not with the Public.</p>
+
+<p>Out of every hundred novels, ten per cent. will be absorbed by the
+London Libraries, and the remainder carted off to the "Circulating Book
+Emporiums" at the seaside.</p>
+
+<p>Someone will write his experiences, and expect someone else to read
+them.</p>
+<p>A new Magazine will be started, to supply a want hitherto unsuspected.</p>
+<div class="figright" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/illus-012b.png">
+<img src="images/illus-012b.png" width="100%" alt="Going with the Times." /></a>
+<h3>Going with the Times.</h3>
+</div>
+
+<p>The children (periodically) will return to school after the holidays,
+and "men" will go to Oxford and Cambridge, as occasion requires.</p>
+
+<p>Calls to the Bar by the Benchers of the Inns of Court will add
+materially to the numbers of the Unemployed.</p>
+
+<p>Several social failures will go to the Colonies, and (like a bad
+shilling) return again.</p>
+
+<p>Professor <span class="sc">Jones</span> will call black white, while Professor <span class="sc">Robinson</span> that it
+is grey.</p>
+
+<p>There will be bags on the moors, and sales at the poulterers'.</p>
+
+<p>The Christmas Numbers will be prepared in May and published in October.</p>
+
+<p>The Divorce Court will be open for the Season, and the Season will amply
+avail itself of the opportunity.</p>
+
+<p>The year will pass in less than no time, and the Yule-tide greetings
+will be heard, as it were, shortly after Easter.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="sc">Subject for Fancy Picture.</span>&mdash;Fined five shillings for swearing. A bench
+of Magisterial Salmon from the River Tees, after considerable
+consultation, deciding that they cannot pass over the Dinsdale Dam, but
+admitted that it was quite allowable for a ladylike Salmon to say to the
+river, "O you Tees!"</p>
+
+<hr class="short" /><br /><br />
+
+<center><span class="sc">"The <i>Present</i> Times."</span>&mdash;Christmas and New Year.</center><br /><br />
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 5%">
+<a href="images/illus-12c.png">
+<img src="images/illus-12c.png" width="100%"  alt="Pointing  hand" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<p> NOTICE.&mdash;Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether
+MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in
+no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and
+Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no
+exception.</p>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume
+104, January 7, 1893, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, JANUARY 7, 1893 ***
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+</pre>
+
+</body>
+</html>
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@@ -0,0 +1,1651 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 104,
+January 7, 1893, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 104, January 7, 1893
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Francis Burnand
+
+Release Date: August 21, 2008 [EBook #26385]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, JANUARY 7, 1893 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, Juliet Sutherland and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  PUNCH,
+
+  OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+  VOLUME 104.
+
+  JANUARY 7th 1893.
+
+
+LONDON: PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET, AND SOLD BY ALL
+BOOKSELLERS.
+
+1893.
+
+LONDON: BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS, WHITEFRIARS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PREFACE
+
+SCENE--_The Elysian Fields, a flower-gemmed bank, by a flowing stream,
+beneath the sylvan shade of unfading foliage._ Mr. PUNCH--_who is free
+of all places, from Fleet Street to Parnassus--discovered, in Arcadian
+attire, attempting "numerous verse" on a subject of National
+importance--to wit, the approaching Royal Marriage._
+
+_Mr. Punch._ Propt on this "bank of amaranth and moly,"
+    Beneath the shade of boughs _un_melancholy,
+    I meditate on AEstas and on Hymen!
+    Pheugh! _What_ a Summer! Torrid drought doth try men,--
+    And fields and farms; yet when our Royal MAY
+    Weds--in July--'tis fit that Phoebus stay
+    His fiery car to welcome her! By Jove,
+    That sounds Spenserian! Illustrious Love
+    Epithalamion demands, and lo!
+    We've no official Laureate, to let flow,
+    With Tennysonian dignity and sweetness,
+    Courtly congratulation. DRYDEN's neatness,
+    Even the gush of NAHUM TATE or PYE
+    Are not available, so PUNCH must try
+    His unofficial pen. My tablets, TOBY!
+    This heat's enough to give you hydrophoby!
+    Talk about Dog-days! Is that nectar iced?
+    Then just one gulp! It beats the highest priced
+    And creamiest champagne. Now, silence, Dog,
+    And let me give my lagging Muse a jog!
+
+  [_Writes, with one eye on the portraits of the_ Duke of YORK
+    _and the_ Princess MAY, _the other on the iced nectar-cup._
+
+    Humph! I do hope the happy Royal Pair
+    (Whose counterfeit presentments front me there,
+    Inspiring, in young manhood and frank beauty)
+    Will think their Laureate hath fulfilled his duty,
+    His labour of most loyal love, discreetly.
+    Compliments delicate, piled not sickly-sweetly,
+    Like washy WARTON's, nor so loud thrasonical--
+    Like Glorious JOHN's--that they sound half ironical!
+    'Tis hard indeed for loyal love to hit
+    The medium just 'twixt sentiment and wit----
+
+  [TOBY _barks, and a mellifluous voice soundeth, courteously
+    intervenient, as two splendid Shades steal silently through
+    the verdurous shadows._
+
+_First Voice._ But you _have_ hit it, never-missing-One!
+
+_Second Voice._ For fulsome twaddle finds best check in Fun!
+
+_Mr. Punch_ (_with respectful heartiness_). What! Sweet-voiced SPENSER!
+        Chivalrous-souled SIDNEY!!
+    This _is_ a joy! For heroes of your kidney
+    PUNCH hath a heartier homage, as he hopes,
+    Than the most thundering Swinburnian tropes
+    Could all express!
+
+_Spenser_ (_smiling mildly_). ALGERNON's one of Us!
+    In fierce superlatives, and foam and fuss,
+    He deals o'ermuch, but proof lies in his page.
+    _He_'s of the true Parnassian lineage,
+    And should be Laureate--if he care to be so.
+
+_Sidney._ Would he but heed what HORACE wrote to PISO!
+    "The singing-skill of god APOLLO's giving"
+    Is his, however, and no lyrist living
+    Hath such a stretch of finger, or such tone.
+
+_Mr. Punch._ Faith, but he sings immortal Fames--your own,
+    My PHILIP, latest and not least--in strains
+    That thrill our nerves and mount into our brains.
+    If he would study less in GOSSON's "School"
+    (That of "Abuse," o'er which you laid the rule
+    In your "Defence of Poesy"), and stay
+    Less in dim Orcus than Arcadia,
+    Then--well, I might have well been spared this task.
+    SPENSER, _you_ penned _your own_; now may I ask
+    Epithalamion-recipes from you?
+
+_Spenser_ (_smiling_). Yes--when you need them! I was Laureate too!
+    There's enough inspiration in those faces
+[_Pointing to portraits of the_ Duke of YORK _and the_ Princess MAY.
+    To bring the needful Muses, and the Graces,
+    All to your aid!
+
+_Mr. Punch._ By Jove! That "takes the cake."
+    You great Elizabethans had the knack
+    Of courtly compliment. Young GEORGE, fair MAY,
+    Shall have your _mot_ upon their marriage day,
+    As a choice wedding gift, to pair with mine!
+
+_Spenser and Sidney_ (_together_). What's that?
+
+_Mr. Punch_ (_politely_). One you may share, if you incline.
+    TOBIAS, hand the new-bound Oracle here!
+    Take it, brave SIDNEY, take it, SPENSER dear!
+    It may enliven e'en this amaranth shore;
+    It is my new
+
+VOLUME ONE HUNDRED AND FOUR!!!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"APPARENT FAILURE."
+
+["The Private View was not a success.... The dresses which we noticed
+were very ordinary indeed."--_"Art Notes" in a Ladies' Paper._]
+
+  NOT a success--for every toilet there
+    Was commonplace and stupid, more or less;
+  A fact which clearly made the whole affair,
+        Not a success.
+
+  "Were not the pictures good?" Well, we confess
+    We know not, neither do we greatly care;
+  As writers for the fashionable Press,
+    Artistic knowledge falls not to our share;
+  We saw no novelties in hat or dress;
+    Therefore the Show is plainly, we declare,
+        "Not a success."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: "LIGHT AND LEADING."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"BANG WENT SAX-PENCE!"--_A propos_ of the New Coinage, the _Pall Mall
+Gazette_ is our authority for saying, that "The design for the reverse
+of the half-crown has been prepared by Mr. BROCK." BROCK is a name
+hitherto associated in the popular mind with fireworks; and if the work
+be entrusted to this cunning artificer, he will make the New Coinage go
+off splendidly. He has, we believe, already submitted illuminated
+designs to the QUEEN.
+
+       ***
+
+THE KENDALS are announced to appear at the Avenue Theatre. They start
+with _A White Lie_. This is the truth. Free admissions will not be heard
+of, except when they give _A Scrap of Paper_. They are also going to
+produce a new play entitled, _Prince Karatoff_. The plot, to judge by
+the name, will be of interest to Vegetarians, as it is whispered that
+the hero, _Prince Karatoff_, falls in love with _Princess Turnipon_.
+
+       ***
+
+CURIOUSLY APPROPRIATE CONJUNCTION OF NAMES.--On Friday last the _Times_
+published an important letter on a certain fishery. The fish was the
+Salmon, and the writer of the letter was FFENNELL. We do not remember
+ever having seen Salmon on table without FFENNELL, which is a fanciful
+way of spelling it. All information concerning Salmon may now be
+obtained from a "FFENNELL source."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE SONG OF THE SHIRT.
+
+THE SONG OF THE SHIRT.
+
+(_Very Latest Version._)
+
+["There is a grievance which has taken hold in the last few years, under
+which we are all groaning and complaining, without, as far as I can see,
+any present remedy. I allude to the shameful way in which our linen is
+destroyed and knocked about by the existing race of Washerwomen in the
+Metropolis."--_M. J. G.'s Letter on "London Laundries," in the Daily
+Telegraph._]
+
+  With wristbands grubby and worn,
+    With collars ragged and frayed,
+  A man moaned over a shirt all rags,
+    Cursing the laundress trade.
+        "Scrub! Scrub! Scrub!
+  With lime for extracting the dirt;
+  With chemicals rot, and with wire-brushes rub!"--
+        _That_'s the new Song of the Shirt.
+
+          Buy! Buy! Buy!
+  Though I'm but a poor Clerk, with scant "oof,"
+        Yet it's buy--buy--buy!
+  (My hosier's bills furnish full proof),
+        And it's O! to be a slave
+    To my Laundress, who's worse than a Turk.
+  I seldom look nice, and I never can save;
+        And this is woman's work!
+
+          Rub! Rub! Rub!
+  Till they're rugged at edge and at rim;
+        Scrub! Scrub! Scrub!
+  Till with scissors the cuffs I must trim.
+    Seam, and gusset, and band,
+      Band, and gusset, and seam;
+  And all the buttonholes gape, and the studs
+        Drop out in a golden stream.
+
+  O Men with sisters who wash,
+    With housewifely mothers or wives,
+  Who "do up" your linen, and _don't_ "put it out,"
+    You lead endurable lives!
+        Wash--Starch--Iron!
+    _That_ may mean home dampness and dirt;
+  But at least your collars won't chafe your neck,
+    And you'll boast a wearable shirt!
+
+  But why do I dream of soap,
+    Or of honest knuckle-bone?
+  Now most men's shirts come home in a shape
+      That's dreadfully like my own--
+      That's dismally like my own,
+  Unless a home laundry they keep;
+    Great Scott! that shirts should be so dear,
+        And chloride and wire so cheap!
+
+        Scrub! Scrub! Scrub!
+  The wire-brush never flags;
+    And what's the result? A collar that's rough,
+      And a front that's ever in rags!
+  That frayed-out wristband worries me sore,
+      It catches--and shows--the dirt.
+  And as for the collar!!!--I'll bet you a dollar
+    You've never one _clean_ to your shirt.
+
+    Oh! but to breathe the breath
+  Of old country linen so sweet,
+    Wherein lavender was spread,
+      Which was dried on the grass at our feet!
+  For only one short week
+      To feel as I used to feel,
+  Before women washed with chloride of lime,
+        And scrubbed with brushes of steel!
+
+  Oh! but for one short week
+    Of the good old-fashioned wash,
+  Before a laundry meant utter rot,
+    Lime, wax, and such chemical bosh!
+  A little swearing would ease my heart,
+    At that ogress, false, inhuman;
+  So to the papers a line I'll drop,
+        On the Modern Washerwoman!
+
+  With fingers ready and fleet,
+    With features indignantly red,
+  A poor Clerk wrote of his linen in rags,
+      And this is what he said:--
+        "Stitch! Stitch! Stitch!
+  Yet _I_ can't keep a decent shirt!
+    The thing has reached an unbearable pitch,
+  So--as an appeal to the poor and the rich--
+        I sing the new Song of the Shirt!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: EUPHEMISM.
+
+_Cab Tout (exasperated by the persistent attentions of Constable)._
+
+"LOOK 'ERE, OLE LIGHTNIN'-KETCHER, W'ERE THE MISSIN' WORD ARE YER
+SHOVIN' US TO?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROBERT ON THE GREAT QUESTION OF THE DAY.
+
+JOLLY old Crismus being cum round agen, as ushal, we had our
+Crismus-Heve supper, as ushal, and henjoyed owrselves till a rayther
+latish hour, as ushal. Upon cumpareing notes, we didn't find as we had
+werry much to complane about, the grand and nobel old wirtue of
+horsepitality perwailing much as ushal.
+
+Howsumdever, upon cumparin notes a second time as to the most poplar
+subjecks of conwersashun at the warious Eleckshun Dinners, on Saint
+Tommas' Day, or the day when the hole of the Common Counselmen has to go
+to their Constittuents for to be elected--though what St. Tommas ewer
+had to do with it I never could dishcover, no more can BROWN--we found
+as they was amost all on 'em a torkin about sum grate change, as a lot
+of outsiders called County Counsellors was a going for to try to get
+made; the werry principellist being, BROWN said, that they might have
+occashonal use of the Manshun Ouse, and so give grand Dinners to the
+West-End Swells, and so get them to wote for their having jolly hansum
+allowences with which to pay for 'em! But quiet ole JOE, who's one of
+them rum fellers as don't say much, but thinks a deal, says, in his
+quiet way, as how as it's werry much wus than that, for, from what a
+werry ancient Deputty said, as he was a helping him to his jugged air,
+he had werry little dowt but that County Counsellors was acshally a
+going in for erbollishing the hold Copperashun altogether! if they can
+git the Goverment to be fools enuff for to promise to 'elp 'em. And
+then, from what he heard from others, they are a going to rob the nobel
+and Charytable Liwery Companys of all the money as they spends so nobly;
+and then, not contented with that, they are a going for to ask Parlyment
+to give them the command of all the sixteen thowsand Policemen as there
+is in the hole of London; and then, not content with that, they are a
+going for to erbolish all the eight Water Companys, and manage it all
+theirselves; and then, not content with that, they are a going to take
+all the Meet Markets, and the Fish Markets, includin Ancient
+Billingsgate, and the Fruit and Wegeral Markets; and then, just to fill
+up sum of their lezzur time, they are a going to erbolish the Thames
+Conserwaters, and manage the River theirselves; and then, as they think
+as them little trifles ain't quite enuff for 'em, they are a going to
+arsk to be aloud to take charge of all the Docks and Wharfs on the
+River! And then, as they will naterally want plenty of emusement after
+their ard work, they arsks to be aloud to take over the control of
+All the London Theaters!
+
+I had a chat the other day with one of the LORD MARE's Footmen, as I
+allers likes to go to the werry hiest orthorities, and he finished by
+saying, most emfatically,--"Mr. ROBERT, I arsks you this simple
+quesshun--If it takes about two hunderd and thirty gents to keep the
+grand old Citty in the bootiful condishun as it allus is, and to keep us
+all in the helthy condishun as we allus is, and with the remarkabel fine
+happytites as we allus has, its size being ony one square mile, and our
+number ony about fifty thowsand sleepers, and about ten times as many,
+as cums ewery day to hearn their living, how is it possibel for a much
+smaller number of Gents, with werry littel hexperiens, to do the same
+with a plaice about a hunderd and twenty times as big, and with about
+five millions of peepel in it? And you may trust what I says, for I had
+it from our Chapling."
+
+"Why," I says, boldly, "I says at once as I don't beleeve as it's
+posserbel for 'em to do a quorter of it."
+
+"Rite you are, Mr. ROBERT!" says he. And so we parted.
+
+    ROBERT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT ANCIENT DRURY.
+
+DRURIOLANUS MAGNIFICUS has given us something gorgeous this year in "The
+Hall of a Million Mirrors," the tenth Scene of his Pantomime entitled
+_Little Bo-Peep, Little Red Riding Hood, and Hop o' My Thumb_, who are
+three very small people,--"small by degrees and beautifully less"--to
+make so big a Show. In the Hall of Mirrors appear all the well-known
+representatives of ancient Nursery Rhymes, and all the heroes and
+heroines of the universally familiar Fairy Stories. Down the Palace
+stairs they come, group after group, until the Stage, even of Old Drury,
+can hold no more, and there is scarcely room for them all to move, much
+less to indulge in any "kicking up ahind and afore," as was the wont of
+the Ancient JOSEPH, whose fame is hymned in Nigger Minstrelsy. A most
+brilliant scene, never to be forgotten!--that is, until next Pantomime
+Season, when Sir DRURIOLANUS will, in all probability, show us something
+equally magnificent, and as perfect in design and colour.
+
+There is such a galaxy of talent, specially of Music-hall talent, with
+the two MARIES, LOFTUS and LLOYD, the CAMPBELL of that ilk, comical DAN
+LENO (who looks so comically Thin O), and the amusing Brothers
+GRIFFITHS, but without the donkey, and with no quadruped to equal him,
+though they do make beasts of themselves by appearing as wolves, who
+will not be kept from the door of _Granny Green_, Mr. JOHN D'AUBAN,
+utterly unrecognisable. Besides these is a Variety Show of other Stars,
+including ever-graceful EMMA D'AUBAN, and Miss MABEL LOVE, of the
+"skirts-so movement," both rightly reckoned in the programme as among
+"the Immortals." Only one fault can be found with the Pantomime, and
+that is, that there are too many brilliant Stars in it. They can't all
+of them, each and severally, get an opportunity of showing how he or she
+can shine in his or her own particular bright way; and so it happens
+that the earliest scenes, which are less crowded, are the best for fun,
+though in the latter, and specially in the one just preceding the
+transformation, there is some capital comic business, and "LITTLE TICH"
+is at his best in his burlesque of the Skirt Dance. We wonder that this
+clever diminutive person has never appeared as "_the_ Claimant _par
+excellence_." But perhaps his name is not "TICH" at all, and so, on his
+first appearance on the world's stage, he was not a "_Tich-born_."
+
+The _Extravaganza_ portion of the Pantomime--formerly styled the
+"Opening"--gave us great pleasure, and the two "Comic Scenes"--(what are
+all the preceding ones? Are CAMPBELL, LENO, WILLIAMS, and "LITTLE TICH,"
+all tragedians?)--gave us Great PAYNE--yclept HARRY PAYNE, the good old
+Conservative "JOEY."
+
+If the possibilities, "_per variation et mutation_" of gorgeous modern
+Pantomime, are exhausted--"which," as EUCLID observes, "is
+impossible"--except we may "add a rider" (as the Clown in the Circle
+might observe) that Pantomime is, in itself, a _reductio ad
+absurdum_--then, perchance, Sir DRURIOLANUS MAGNIFICUS may give us next
+Christmas a Shorter Opening, say ten Scenes, to be followed by six
+Harlequinade Scenes, treating, by way of "Review," all the leading
+topics of Ninety-Three. _Nous verrons_--at least, such is our hope. And
+so a Prosperous New Year to Sir DRURIOLANUS, and all his works.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOVEL, BUT NOT NEW.
+
+(_A Story of Romance in Town and Country._)
+
+SCENE I.--_Publisher's Sanctum._ Amateur Author _discovered
+    in consultation with_ Enterprising Publisher.
+
+_Enterprising Publisher._ Yes, my dear Sir, I think, if you pay all the
+expenses, we can see our way to giving _An Oppressed Ophelia_ a chance.
+
+_Amateur Author._ You would not take a small risk?
+
+_Ent. Publisher._ Why no, my dear Sir. I do not see how _An Oppressed
+Ophelia_ can be made a safe investment without your entire assistance.
+Possibly we may treat about your next novel, which I understand you to
+say is called _An English Hamlet_, on other terms. In the meanwhile, let
+us hope that _An Oppressed Ophelia_ will be successful.
+
+      [_Exeunt_ Author _and_ Publisher _severally._
+
+SCENE II.--_The Same. Three months have passed._ Publisher _and_
+    Author _are discovered discussing the situation._
+
+_Author (gloomily)._ And so you say that _An Oppressed Ophelia_ is a
+dead failure?
+
+_Publisher (more cheerfully)._ Yes, my dear Sir, but do not be
+distressed. Thanks to my foresight, and your acquiescence in a
+business-like arrangement, my firm has lost nothing by the transaction.
+
+_Author (dryly)._ That I can readily understand! Well, I suppose you
+have plenty of copies you can give back to me?
+
+_Publisher._ Well, scarcely. You see the Londoners did not take up your
+book very warmly; but we have made an arrangement to dispose of the rest
+of the issue in the country at a considerable reduction.
+
+_Author._ And _An English Hamlet_?
+
+_Publisher._ We shall be glad to produce on the same terms!
+
+      [_Exeunt_ Author _and_ Publisher _severally._
+
+SCENE III.--_Interior of the Circulating Library at
+    Slocum-Pogis-on-the-Stodge._ Author _and_ Female Librarian
+    _discovered_.
+
+_Author._ Well, if you haven't got the popular novels I have already
+mentioned, I will have a book by RIDER HAGGARD, STEVENSON, MEREDITH, or
+RUDYARD KIPLING.
+
+_Librarian._ All out, Sir. Won't you have something else?
+
+_Author._ Well, an amusing volume of travels or recollections. Can you
+recommend one?
+
+_Librarian._ We did have several books of that kind in the Season, Sir,
+but just now our stock is a little low.
+
+_Author (nettled)._ Why, I don't believe you have a book in the shop.
+You seem to be out of everything!
+
+_Librarian._ Oh, yes, we have, Sir. Here, for instance, is one of this
+year's novels. It's called _An Oppressed Ophelia_.
+
+_Author (pleased)._ Oh, you have got that, have you?
+
+_Librarian._ Got it! Why, the whole place is full of them! To tell you
+the truth, Sir, it came down by mistake. We ordered books by BLACK,
+MEREDITH, STEVENSON, and the rest of them, and they sent us back, by
+accident, I suppose, a dozen copies of _An Oppressed Ophelia_. If you
+would like it, Sir, I will look you out a copy with some of the leaves
+cut.
+
+_Author (shortly)._ No, thankee, I've read it!
+
+      [_Exit._
+
+_Librarian._ Dear me, what an odd gentleman! He's the first as has
+read _An Oppressed Ophelia_, although I have had it in the shop
+these six months!
+
+      [_Scene closes in upon her astonishment._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: A Man of Letters.
+
+       ***
+
+Illustration: "Question time."
+
+       ***
+
+Illustration: The "Seasonable" Lawyer.
+
+       ***
+
+"SOME TALK OF ALEXANDER."
+
+If my memory serves me faithfully, the above heading is a quotation from
+the first verse of "_The British Grenadiers_," and is peculiarly
+applicable just now to the Lessee of the St. James's Theatre, Mr. GEORGE
+ALEXANDER, who has got a decided success in the original Comedy, written
+by Mr. R. C. CARTON, entitled _Liberty Hall_, an excellent and a
+catching name, that perhaps might have been better bestowed on a larger
+picture. To play with "reserved force" until the passionate moment
+arrives, is all that Mr. ALEXANDER has to do; but this he does
+admirably, never under-acting, never over-acting, always as natural as a
+quiet gentleman, of a peculiarly romantic turn of mind, yet with a keen
+but chastened appreciation of a practical joke, kept all to himself for
+five months, should be. Had he been compelled by circumstances to
+sustain the _alias_, and to continue playing the part of a _Burchell_ in
+GOLDSMITH's _Vicar of Wakefield_ for one month longer, could he have
+done it? However, as the piece has "caught on," it may be that Mr.
+ALEXANDER will have to play the part of _Mr. Burchell alias Owen_ for
+even longer than half a year; and, as he selected the piece, and as he
+plays this part excellently, it is mainly owin' to ALEXANDER that the
+piece is payin.' Mr. BEN WEBSTER is good as the somewhat
+gentlemanly-caddish mixture called _The Hon. Gould Harringay_. Mr.
+NUTCOMBE GOULD, as a Family Solicitor, deeply interests everybody in the
+First Act; "and then," like _Macbeth's_ "poor player,"--which Mr. N. G.
+isn't, far from it,--"is heard no more." Perhaps, during the Pantomime
+season, he might re-appear at the finish with a slight addition to his
+head-gear, as intimated in this little sketch of him, when he could
+observe confidentially to the audience, "Here we are again!" But this is
+only a hint, to the practical use of which, Mr. GOULD, by the kind
+permission of Mr. ALEXANDER, is heartily welcome.
+
+Capital is Miss FANNY COLEMAN as the housekeeper and maid-of-all-work;
+and, in the small part of _Todman's_ shop-boy, Master RICHARD SAKER
+shows that, as _Mr. Wardle_ said of _Mr. Tupman_, when he brought down
+the birds with his eyes shut, he is "an older hand at this than we
+thought for." If he works at his profession, he will show himself "a
+wise-SAKER." Mr. HOLLES and Miss AILSA CRAIG, in two very small but
+strongly-marked character-parts, add to the general efficiency of an
+exceptionally complete cast. Miss MAUDE MILLETT makes the indiscreet
+_Amy Chilworth_ a very sweet person, but it is Miss MARION TERRY who has
+in her hands the one strong dramatic situation at the end of the Third
+Act. It is a situation which, no matter what might have been the
+author's conception of it, depends for its effect solely and only on the
+actress; and Miss MARION TERRY, as she sits, rises to the occasion. It
+is long since Mr. RIGHTON has had such a part as that of _Todman_, the
+quaint little old-fashioned bookshop-keeper, and to this quite
+Dickensian character, the actor does thorough justice; as also does Mr.
+H. VINCENT to the somewhat highly coloured blusterous part of
+_Briginshaw_. Mr. ALEXANDER commences the new year well. "_Prosit!_"
+chirps        THE CRITIC OFF THE HEARTH.
+
+       ***
+
+Illustration: "Put a penny in the hat, and the figure will work."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A MOAN OF MERRY CHRISTMAS.
+
+(_By Our Own Dismal Dyspeptic._)
+
+  Oh, Christmas is a season when this melancholy earth
+  Has to put on the appearance of ungovernable mirth--
+  When you substitute a chuckle for your ordinary sigh,
+  And you give each other presents that you can't afford to buy--
+  When the little boys with snowballs are so shockingly unkind,
+  And improve on the occasion to attack you from behind--
+  When the mistletoe its terrors at the bashful person hurls,
+  And you have to kiss a number of unpleasant-looking girls!
+
+  Oh, Christmas is a season when the children make a row,
+  And you have to bear it patiently--although you don't know how--
+  When they will not let you slumber in your comfortable chair,
+  But crawl and tumble over you and ruffle up your hair--
+  When TOM and DICK are home from school with all their nasty tricks,
+  And have terrific combats with a pair of single-sticks--
+  When Auntie comes to stay with us, and always takes their parts.
+  And you smile a sickly smile, and murmur, "_Bless_ their little hearts!"
+
+  Oh, Christmas is a season when the beef is very fat,
+  (And it turns me topsy-turvey at the simple thought of that!)--
+  When it seems as if your relatives could never eat enough,
+  And you have to look contented as you sit and watch them stuff--
+  When they give you Christmas pudding, and consider it a treat,
+  Though they know that you are feeling far too bilious to eat--
+  When the very house reverberates with tradesmen's constant knocks,
+  As they call in quick succession to demand a Christmas-box!
+
+  Oh, Christmas is a season, when I long to sit alone,
+  In some clean and quiet garret, I can really call my own;
+  Where no Christmas Cards can reach me with their idiotic rhymes--
+  Where I never hear of HARRIS, and his splendid Pantomimes.
+  Where the turkey and the goose would feel distinctly out of place,
+  Where no pallid pie of mincemeat, dares to look me in the face;
+  Where I don't see coloured plates from Christmas Numbers on the wall,
+  Where, in fact, I can forget that it is Christmas-time at all!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: A REMINISCENCE.
+
+_Aunt Molly_ (_on hospitable thoughts intent_). "YOU SHALL HAVE _THIS_
+BEDROOM, MIKE--THE SAME THAT YOU HAD LAST CHRISTMAS!"
+
+_Mike._ "OH, NOT _THAT_ BEDROOM, AUNT MOLLY!--IT'S CHOKE FULL OF
+_DREAMS_!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FRENCH "SERPENTINE DANCE"
+  OR, PAS DE PANAMA.
+
+  The Minuet's cold and modish grace,
+    Delirium of the Carmagnole,
+  Fair France has known. How will she pace
+    _This_ frantic dance, and to what goal?
+  Beginning in triumphant sport,
+    She's tremulous now, with terror cold.
+  The whirl so dizzies, she breathes short;
+    The serpent spirals seem to fold
+  Laocoon-like about her limbs.
+    Tarantula-bitten victims so
+  Whirl madly. Shrinks her head and swims;
+    This is not glory's ardent glow,
+  But fever's hectic, herald sure
+    Of dread corruption, if unstayed.
+  Dance on the footing insecure
+    Of the keen edge of War's red blade,
+  Rather than this mad dervish spin,
+    Drunk with that poison-breath;
+  The music is the devil's din,
+    The dance--the modern Dance of Death!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE FRENCH "SERPENTINE DANCE;"
+OR, PAS DE PANAMA.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LATEST FROM "THE GILBERT ISLANDS."--Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN will probably
+stay in these islands while writing his new Opera. If successful, these
+islands will then be annexed by Manager D'OYLY CARTE under the style and
+title of "The Gilbert and Sullivan Islands."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ON A NEW YEAR'S CARD.
+
+["With kind regards and best wishes for 1893, from Mr. and
+Mrs. T. BROWN-SMITH and family."]
+
+  FROM TOM! It's thirty years ago
+    Or more, since, destined to talk Tamil, he
+  Set sail for foreign lands. And so
+    To-day he boasts a wife and family.
+
+  Yes, TOM and I were chums at school,
+    The Matron--how we used to fool her!
+  We broke the very self-same rule,
+    We felt the very self-same ruler.
+
+  We gladly in those classic groves
+    Accepted all the Fates provided,
+  And even in our school-boy loves
+    We did not care to be divided.
+
+  Three years at Cambridge--where we spent
+    Our money, "linked in friendly tether,"
+  Three years that all too quickly went,
+    Then _we_ went down, and went together.
+
+  Next year 'twas TOM who went abroad;
+    He vowed that he'd be married--never!
+  But I was then engaged to MAUDE,
+    To MAUDE, who swore to love me ever.
+
+  Perhaps she kept her plighted word--
+    But, if she did, she chose as funny
+  A way as I have ever heard--
+    She married Some One Else and Money.
+
+  Maybe she did not feel inclined
+    To risk the bread-and-cheese and kisses,
+  Or else her calculating mind
+    Preferred "Her Ladyship" to "Mrs."
+
+  So I'm unmarried to this day,
+    And live without the great felicity
+  Which, as TOM used of old to say,
+    Can't fail to wait on domesticity.
+
+  That joy is his alone, not mine,
+    Misogynist he liked to call himself,
+  Whilst I thought every girl divine--
+    Yet TOM has been the first to fall himself.
+
+  I've missed the sweets of married life,
+    The bills, the coos, and all the rest of it!
+  I cannot boast, like TOM, a wife,
+    I wonder, tho', who's got the best of it?
+
+  Fair MAUDE, I willingly allow
+    I thought my heart for ever riven.
+  It wasn't so at all, and now
+    Your Ladyship is quite forgiven.
+
+  And TOM, old friend--tried, trusty, true,
+    Across the seas these lines will carry
+  All New-Year greetings, TOM, to you
+    And yours, from Yours, as ever, HARRY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Should there be a hard frost, lady-skaters in Hyde Park will be able to
+give quite a new turn to the "Serpentine Dance."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CRINOLINE is gradually coming in again. She re-enters to the air of
+"_Steel so gently o'er Me steeling_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Montagu Williams.
+
+BORN, 1834. DIED, DEC. 23, 1892.
+
+["He will be missed far more by lawyers and the world at large than many
+men who hold more important offices in his profession."--_The Times._]
+
+  Companions of his ardent youth,
+    Or comrades of his riper years;
+  The poor who felt his kindly ruth,
+    And mourn him with unpurchased tears;
+  Men of the world whose mordant sense
+    Shorn of all maudlin sentiment
+  Seemed the sharp touchstone of pretence;
+    Soft hearts on swift world-bettering bent,
+  All miss, all mourn the man whom all
+  Responsive found to each high call.
+
+  Old long-dead days of boisterous mirth,
+    Far dim-seen hours of arduous fight
+  When gaiety possessed the earth,
+    When morning felt no fear of night;
+  School-form, field, footlights, club! _Eheu
+    Fugaces!_ These, indeed, are fled,
+  But thoughts of dashing MONTAGU,
+    That dauntless soul now lying dead,
+  After long fight with pitiless pain
+  Make the old memories live again.
+
+  Before the triumphs of the Court,
+    Before the honours of the Bench,
+  Wild days there were of toil and sport,
+    Long ere our brows had learned to blench
+  At threatenings of the first grey hair.
+    Ah! cordial comrade, champion stout,
+  The fierce ordeal you had to bear
+    Is ended; fortune's final flout
+  Has fallen, and that gallant breast
+  Is still at last in well-earned rest.
+
+  It was your happy lot to blend
+    Sound brain and sympathetic heart;
+  The loyal service of a friend,
+    With worldly wisdom keen and tart.
+  Shrewd advocate and councillor keen,
+    You knew the world, yet pitied it;
+  Compassion mild, not cynic spleen
+    Tempered the edge of caustic wit.
+  Farewell! It dims much pomp and state,
+  _Your_ title--"Poor Man's Magistrate!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN IDYLL OF THE CROWD.
+
+(_A Tip (after Tennyson) to Tory Topsawyers._)
+
+  Come down, O Scribe, from yonder sniffy height;
+  What pleasure lives in "sniff" (the Councillor sang),
+  In sniff and scorn, the weakness of the "swells"?
+  But cease to move so near the clouds, and cease
+  To sit a votary of the "Great Pooh-Pooh";
+  And come, for Labour's in the valley, come,
+  For Toil dwells in the valley, come thou down
+  And watch him; by the dim slum threshold, he,
+  Or hand in hand with poverty in the docks,
+  Or black with stithy-swartness by the forge,
+  Or troll-like in the mine; nor cares to walk
+  With Wealth and Fashion in the parks and squares;
+  But _follow!_ Come thou down, and let the cold
+  Cramp-headed cynics yelp alone, and leave
+  The mugwump scoffers there to shape and sleek
+  Their thousand paragraphs of acrid joke
+  That like a squirting fountain waste in air:
+  So waste thou not; but come; for hunger pale
+  Awaits thee; haggard pillars of the hearth
+  Appeal to thee; slum children call, and now
+  The Crowd's astir, with every man a Vote
+  To give him voice, and in that voice you'll hear
+  Myriads of "movements" hurrying into "laws,"
+  The moan of men at immemorial ills,
+  And murmuring of innumerable shes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MY LANDSCAPE.
+
+  Calm sea, the mirror of a cloudless sky,
+    Blue mountains, in the purple distance fading,
+  Tall, dark-hued pines, through which faint zephyrs sigh,
+          A garden shading.
+
+  A view that might inspire a poet's voice,
+    Or minstrel's lute to sweetest music waken--
+  I came to paint this subject of my choice;
+          My place was taken!
+
+  I muttered angry words between my teeth;
+    I could not see the features of _la bella_,
+  I only saw a dress and cloak beneath
+          A great umbrella.
+
+  Perhaps some girl, her hair a touzled mop,
+    Plain-featured, round in shoulder, unpoetic,
+  With hygienic boots that flatly flop--
+          Old style aesthetic.
+
+  I came a little closer, just to see.
+    Ye gods, her looks and form were not alarming!
+  A graceful, sweet-faced, dainty maiden she,
+          Completely charming.
+
+  The landscape that I loved was what she drew.
+    I felt my coolness towards her quickly thawing;
+  I also stayed to sketch that charming view--
+          Here is my drawing.
+
+Illustration: MY LANDSCAPE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: "SIC ITUR."
+
+       ***
+
+"SIC ITUR."
+
+  The Old Year flits, the New Year comes,
+    And, through such severance, man contrives
+  To parcel out in little sums
+    The little measurements of lives.
+  We feign the one a different year,
+    Outworn, by solemn bells outrung--
+  The other, foundling of our sphere,
+    As radiant, innocent, and young.
+
+  Farewell! we cry, to Ninety-Two,
+    Its lapses and encompassings,
+  We bid them all a fond adieu,
+    And fix our gaze on fresher things;
+  What has not been we dream will be,
+    The wounds will heal, the flaws will mend,
+  And hopes be born of Ninety-Three
+    That older, cherished hopes transcend.
+
+  It is not thus; Time mocks at pause,
+    In march continual onward goes;
+  Th' unfailing progress of his laws,
+    No respite nor effacement knows;
+  This year is but the force of last,
+    Not something new to mortal ken;
+  Heredity's enchainment vast
+    Enthrals the moments as the men.
+
+  Yet welcome still, our childish trust,
+    Which breathes a truth that Science mars;
+  Our ladder, based upon the dust,
+    Mounts ever nearer steadfast stars;
+  And, though the rungs be still the same,
+    The glimpses, as we strive to rise,
+  Are, 'spite our mists of sin and shame,
+    More closely neighbouring the skies.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MIXED NOTIONS.
+
+No. III.--PANAMA.
+
+  SCENE, _and persons as before--namely, two_ Well-informed
+    Men, _an_ Inquirer, _and an_ AVERAGE MAN, _travelling up
+    together in a suburban morning-train to London._
+
+_First Well-informed Man._ Jolly old mess they seem to have got into in
+Paris over this Panama business. I see they arrested half-a-dozen more
+of them yesterday.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ Yes--and they haven't done yet. I knew, months and
+months ago, the crash must come. That French chap, LAMPION told me all
+about it. He says it'll bust up the Republic before they've done with
+it.
+
+_First W. I. M._ And a good thing too. That kind of corruption only
+flourishes under a Republican form of government. They want a strong man
+in France, that's what they want.
+
+_Average Man._ I don't believe much in your strong men. I suppose the
+last Emperor was a pretty fair specimen; but they seem to have had some
+high old ramps under him, too. Besides, look at Russia.
+
+_First W. I. M._ You can't bring Russia forward as an example.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ Of course not. Russia don't count.
+
+_A. M._ Why not? I don't suppose you can make a man much stronger than
+the CZAR; but, if we're to believe what we're told, the whole place is
+honeycombed with corruption. Why--(_to_ First W. I. M.)--you were saying
+yourself, only the other day, that Russia was corrupt to the core.
+
+_First W. I. M._ Oh, but I was speaking of something quite different.
+Russia is a country _per se_.
+
+_Inquirer._ I thought Russia was an Autocracy.
+
+_First W. I. M._ It's the same thing.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ (_after a pause_). Well, anyhow, we in England haven't
+done anything of the kind. You can't deny that.
+
+_A. M._ No, we haven't done anything quite on the same scale lately, I
+admit that. But we've done our best with worthless mines, and bogus
+Companies of all kinds, and financial papers, and Building Societies.
+Seems to me we've no right to chuck stones at poor old LESSEPS.
+
+_Inquirer._ Is that the same old chap who did something in Egypt some
+years ago?
+
+_Second W. I. M._ (_smiling, and superior_). Yes, the very same. He made
+the Suez Canal.
+
+_Inquirer._ Of course--so he did. That was what we went to the Soudan
+for, wasn't it?
+
+_Second W. I. M._ (_dubiously_). Well, it had something to do with it,
+of course. As we'd got four million pounds' worth of shares in the
+Canal, we couldn't afford to see it upset. And then (_brightening_)
+there was the Dual Control. That was really at the bottom of the whole
+business.
+
+_Inquirer._ The Dual Control? I don't remember what that was.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ Why, don't you remember ARABI setting himself up
+against the KHEDIVE? Well, naturally, we couldn't stand the two of them
+playing their games there; so we just had to nip in, and smash old
+ARABI.
+
+_Inquirer._ Of course, I remember the whole business now; Khartoum, and
+the MAHDI, and all the rest of it.  [_A pause._
+
+_Inquirer_ (_returning to the charge_). I wonder why they called it the
+Panama Canal?
+
+_First W. I. M._ Why shouldn't they? It happens to be its name.
+
+_Inquirer._ Yes, I know that's its name now. But why call it after a
+straw hat?
+
+_First W. I. M._ (_amazed_). After a _what_?
+
+_Inquirer._ After a straw hat.
+
+_First W. I. M._ (_calmly, but firmly_). It isn't called after a straw
+hat. The straw hat's called after it. That's all.
+
+_Inquirer_ (_dogged, and unconvinced_). Well, anyhow, I know I bought a
+Panama hat last summer--and deuced expensive it was, too.
+
+_First W. I. M._ My dear boy, it was made in Panama. Panama's a place.
+
+_Inquirer._ Well, I'm dashed! I never knew that. But what on earth do
+they want a Canal there for?
+
+_First W. I. M._ Oh, well, I'm bound to admit it would be a convenience.
+Just think how it would shorten the sea-route. Instead of having to go
+all the way round Cape What's-his-name--what _is_ that blessed Cape's
+name?
+
+_Second W. I. M._ (_tentatively_). Cape of Good Hope?
+
+_First W. I. M._ No, no--they're building the Nicaragua Canal for that.
+Cape--Cape--why, dash it, I shall be forgetting my own name next!
+
+_Inquirer_ (_brilliantly_). Capricorn.
+
+_First W. I. M._ Yes, that's it! Well, instead of having to go all round
+Cape Ricorn, all we've got to do is to sail to Panama, and--(_impotently
+concluding_)--there we are!
+
+_Second W. I. M._ Ah, but I don't think they'll ever finish it.
+
+_First W. I. M._ I'm not so sure about that; but, of course, the French
+couldn't do it.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ Of course not. [_Terminus._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: "CREDE EXPERTO."
+
+_Q.C._ "YES; I LIKE THE ARMY AS A PROFESSION. I MEAN TO PUT MY SON INTO
+IT."
+
+_Little Snooks_ (_who was Gazetted the week before last_). "AH, YOU TAKE
+THE ADVICE OF A MAN WHO KNOWS ALL ABOUT IT--AND _DON'T!_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VERY CIVIL LAW.
+
+(_With Mr. Punch's Compliments to the London County Council._)
+
+  SCENE--_The Interior of the Court under the Patronage of the
+    London County Council._ Judge, _appointed according to the
+    popular view, discovered in the act of passing sentence._
+
+_Judge._ Prisoner in the dock, or I should say, my good friend--for are
+we not all liable to err?--I have no wish to increase the natural
+embarrassment of your position. I am here, as you know, to dispense
+judgment. This I tell you judicially. I am, when I make this statement,
+merely the mouthpiece of the Law. In my private capacity, I am deeply
+sorry for you.
+
+_Prisoner_ (_much affected_). Thank you kindly, Sir.
+
+_Judge._ My dear friend, I feel for your misfortunes. I make every
+allowance for them. By the Statute under whose provisions both of us are
+here, I notice that I have the power to sentence you to seven years'
+penal servitude.
+
+_Prisoner_ (_startled_). Seven years! But you ain't going to do it?
+
+_Judge._ My dear friend, I will do nothing that is unjust.
+
+_Prisoner_ (_angrily_). You'd better not, or you'll 'ear of it again!
+
+_Judge._ I hope, I do hope that is not intended as a threat! My object
+is to treat you courteously, and even considerately, but, as I have
+already remarked, the Law is, in fact, the Law. Although I represent the
+London County Council to a very large extent, still I am a Member of the
+Bar, and, by virtue of my office, a gentleman. Under these
+circumstances, I shall only be doing my duty--painful as its performance
+may be--when I sentence you to be kept in penal servitude for seven
+years.
+
+_Prisoner_ (_indignantly_). What, seven years! Why, you----
+
+  [_Scene closes in hurriedly upon a flood of language more
+    forcible than polite. Curtain._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: THE GRAND OLD PRINTER.
+
+SEVERAL REPORTS HAVE APPEARED IN THE PAPERS ABOUT THE PRINTING OF THE
+NEW HOME-RULE BILL BY AN OLD EXPERIENCED HAND WORKING IN SECRET.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: AN UNDERGROUND SELL.
+
+_First Passenger._ "THEY SAY THEY'VE PUT ON DETECTIVES 'ERE, TO CATCH
+COVES AS TRAVELS WITHOUT TICKETS."
+
+_Second Passenger._ "'AVE THEY? WELL, ALL I CAN SAY IS, _I_ CAN TRAVEL
+AS OFTEN AS I LIKE FROM CANNON STREET TO VICTORIA, AND NOT PAY A
+'APENNY!"
+
+_Detective._ "SEE HERE MATE; I'LL GIVE YOU HALF-A-CROWN IF YOU TELL ME
+HOW YOU DO IT."
+
+_Second Passenger_ (_after pocketing the Half-Crown_). "WELL,--WHEN I
+WANTS TO GIT FROM CANNON STREET TO VICTORIA WITHOUT PAYIN'--_I WALKS!_"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"CUT AND COME AGAIN."
+
+The Annual New-Year's Dinner of Anti-Vivisectionists took place
+yesterday. The following was the _menu_:--
+
+  Oysters--eaten alive.
+
+  Turtle Soup--the Turtle having been exhibited for several days
+    previously in a Confectioner's window.
+
+  Stewed Eels--chopped up wriggling.
+
+  Lobsters--boiled alive.
+
+  Prawns--ditto ditto.
+
+  Curried Rabbit--trapped.
+
+  Pates de Foies Gras.
+
+  Roast Pork--Prize Pig, suffocated at a show.
+
+  Roast Veal--Calf bled to death to secure an elegant whiteness.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PROBLEM.--At the stranding-of-the-_Howe_ trial there appeared a
+Witness, whose official position, it appears, is "Hydrographer of the
+Navy." What is a hydrographer? clearly, by derivation, "a drawer of
+water." But a ship also "draws water." Therefore, logically, a
+Hydrographer is a ship. But a ship is never put into a witness-box,
+where it would be quite at sea, but in the dock, where it could be quite
+at home. "Truly," writes our Puzzled Correspondent, "there is a muddle
+somewhere." _Q. E. D._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CHEERFUL INVESTMENT.--A Laughing-Stock.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SAFE PREDICTIONS FOR THE YEAR.
+
+Someone will write about the extraordinary characteristic of the Season,
+whether it be warm or cold.
+
+There will be a Political Crisis in Paris on the average of once in
+every six weeks.
+
+The German Emperor will continue his tours, to the great inconvenience
+of the Crowned Heads he favours with a visit.
+
+Mr. GLADSTONE will lecture, write articles to the Magazines, fell trees,
+and govern the country, as per usual.
+
+Someone will get a trifle tired of Home Rule, the Channel Tunnel, and
+General BOOTH.
+
+A few persons will leave Europe for America, to see the Chicago
+Exhibition.
+
+A crowd (more or less) will attend the Oxford and Cambridge Boat-race,
+the Derby, and the Private View at the Royal Academy.
+
+Mrs. SMITH (after having been presented by My Lady BROWN) will present
+Miss SMITH, Miss ELFRIDA SMITH, and Miss VICTORIA ALEXANDRA SMITH, at
+Her MAJESTY'S Drawing-Room.
+
+Mr. and Mrs. PORTLAND SNOOKS will give a dinner-party, which will be
+reported in the Society papers.
+
+The First Nights at the Lyceum will be amongst the features of the
+Season.
+
+There will be several failures at the Theatres, and also a success
+or two.
+
+There will be half a dozen full-dress debates in the House of Commons,
+and as many important divisions.
+
+The "Popular Budget" is sure, with some people, to be exceedingly
+unpopular.
+
+The London County Council and the School Board will be censured by
+the Press.
+
+There will be any number of railway "accidents," and avoidable "deaths
+by misadventure."
+
+It will be discovered that the British Army is a myth, and that the
+British Navy is a snare and a delusion.
+
+Parliament will be up in time for the partridges, even if a little late
+for the grouse.
+
+Everyone will praise the United Kingdom as the land of the tourist, and
+promptly go abroad.
+
+A subject of deep domestic importance will be discussed in the columns
+devoted to correspondence in the daily papers during the Silly Season.
+
+A new Author will be discovered, and spring into great popularity with
+the Publishers, if not with the Public.
+
+Out of every hundred novels, ten per cent. will be absorbed by the
+London Libraries, and the remainder carted off to the "Circulating Book
+Emporiums" at the seaside.
+
+A new Magazine will be started, to supply a want hitherto unsuspected.
+
+Someone will write his experiences, and expect someone else to
+read them.
+
+The children (periodically) will return to school after the holidays,
+and "men" will go to Oxford and Cambridge, as occasion requires.
+
+Calls to the Bar by the Benchers of the Inns of Court will add
+materially to the numbers of the Unemployed.
+
+Several social failures will go to the Colonies, and (like a bad
+shilling) return again.
+
+Professor JONES will call black white, while Professor ROBINSON
+insists that it is grey.
+
+There will be bags on the moors, and sales at the poulterers'.
+
+The Christmas Numbers will be prepared in May and published in October.
+
+The Divorce Court will be open for the Season, and the Season will amply
+avail itself of the opportunity.
+
+The year will pass in less than no time, and the Yule-tide greetings
+will be heard, as it were, shortly after Easter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Illustration: Going with the Times.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUBJECT FOR FANCY PICTURE.--Fined five shillings for swearing. A bench
+of Magisterial Salmon from the River Tees, after considerable
+consultation, deciding that they cannot pass over the Dinsdale Dam, but
+admitted that it was quite allowable for a ladylike Salmon to say to the
+river, "O you Tees!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE _PRESENT_ TIMES."--Christmas and New Year.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed
+Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be
+returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope,
+Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume
+104, January 7, 1893, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, JANUARY 7, 1893 ***
+
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