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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 104,
+March 18, 1893, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 104, March 18, 1893
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Francis Burnand
+
+Release Date: September 17, 2007 [EBook #22645]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by V. L. Simpson, Juliet Sutherland and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+
+VOL 104.
+
+
+
+
+March 18, 1893.
+
+
+
+
+    [Illustration: "WELL MATCHED."
+
+    _Medico_ (_pathetically, with a view to touching the
+    Dealer's heart_). "NOW, MR. BOBBS, WHAT _DO_ YOU THINK I
+    COULD GET A THOROUGHLY GOOD USEFUL PAIR OF HORSES FOR,
+    EH? PRICE NOT STIFF."
+
+    _Mr. Bobbs._ "LOR' BLESS YOU, SIR, TO FIND
+    HORSES--NOTHIN' EASIER. BUT, AS REGARDS
+    _PRICE_--WELL--YOU CAN HAVE 'EM AT ALL PRICES, JUST AS
+    YOU CAN DOCTORS!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MIXED NOTIONS.
+
+No. VII.--PARLIAMENTARY PROCEDURE.
+
+(_Scene and Persons as usual._)
+
+_Inquirer_ (_to First Well-Informed Man_). I say, have you ever been in
+the House of Commons?
+
+_First W. I. M._ (_shortly_). No, you know I haven't.
+
+_Inquirer._ Oh, I don't mean as a Member. Of course I know you wouldn't
+stand the rot of all these Constituents, or whatever they call
+themselves. But have you ever been there as a visitor while a debate's
+going on?
+
+_First W. I. M._ Yes, once--some years ago. But why do you ask?
+
+_Inquirer_ (_producing an order of admission_). Well, you see, I got old
+JENKINS to give me a ticket for to-night, and I'm hanged if I know how
+I'm to get there, or when I'm to go, or anything about it. I thought you
+might be able to tell me how it's done.
+
+_First W. I. M._ Let's have a look at your ticket.
+
+    [_Both the_ Well-Informed Men _inspect it with an air of
+    critical sagacity._
+
+_First W. I. M._ (_after a prolonged pause_). I don't see where your
+difficulty is. You just present this! at the door.
+
+_Inquirer._ Ah, I daresay!--but what door? That's what I want to know.
+The place looks as if it had about fifty thousand doors, you know. And
+then I believe, if you make any mistakes, they march you off, in
+two-twos, as a dynamiter, or a Socialist, or an agitator, or something.
+You know old BONKER. Well, he went there once with a black bag, in which
+he'd got some sandwiches and cake, and, just because he wouldn't open
+it, they made no end of a row, and shoved him in the Clock-tower, or
+something, until he apologised. I don't want any of those games, you
+know.
+
+_Average Man._ Don't take a black bag then. They won't want to search
+your pockets.
+
+_Inquirer_ (_relieved_). Won't they? That's one comfort, at any rate. Do
+you think I ought to go in at the big entrance?
+
+_First W. I. M._ Of course you ought. The others are only for Members.
+
+_Inquirer._ Ah! And I suppose I ought to get there pretty early now that
+they've changed their hours. (_With determination._) I'll go about
+half-past eleven.
+
+    [_A pause. They read papers._
+
+_Inquirer_ (_suddenly, with intense alarm_). Oh, I say, look here, you
+chaps. Here's old GLADSTONE gone and suspended the Twelve o'Clock Rule.
+What does that mean?
+
+_Second W. I. M._ It means that they start everything at twelve o'clock
+in the day.
+
+_First W. I. M._ No, it doesn't. It means that they don't start anything
+till twelve o'clock at night.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ (_pityingly_). My dear fellow, where have you been all
+these years? They _always_ go home on the stroke of midnight now.
+
+_First W. I. M._ That's just where you're wrong. Midnight to two in the
+morning is just jolly well their best time now.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ I'll bet you half a thick 'un you're wrong!
+
+_First W. I. M._ And I'll bet you half a thick 'un I'm right!
+
+    [_The argument continues for some minutes in this
+    strain._
+
+_Inquirer._ I wonder if they'll have any obstruction. I should like to
+see some of that. I believe it's no end amusing.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ Oh, you may trust this Opposition for that. Their only
+notion for employing time is to obstruct everything and everybody.
+
+_First W. I. M._ (_with a deadly calmness_). Ah! you call it
+obstruction, of course, because you want to rush your iniquitous Bills
+through the House. But you don't think we're going to stand that, do
+you?--because we're not, and the Country's with us. Just look at
+Grimsby.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ All right! Suppose you look at Cirencester.
+
+_First W. I. M._ What do you say to Stockport then?
+
+_Second W. I. M._ And what do _you_ say to Walsham and Hexall, and all
+the rest of them? (_At the suggestion of the_ Average Man, _they abandon
+this fiery debate. A pause._)
+
+_Inquirer._ Who's Speaker now?
+
+_First W. I. M._ Sir ROBERT PEEL.
+
+_Inquirer._ Will he be there to-night?
+
+_First W. I. M._ Of course he will. He's got to be there.
+
+_Inquirer._ But then what does the Chairman of Committee do?
+
+_First W. I. M._ Oh, ah,--um, let me see; the Chairman of Committee
+does----(_Brightly._) He's only appointed, you know, when they want a
+Committee about something.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ I fancy he has to read the Bills.
+
+_First W. I. M._ (_gathering assurance as he proceeds_). Not when
+they're read a first time. Somebody else does that--I forget what they
+call him. The Chairman reads 'em a second time, and takes 'em up to the
+House of Lords.
+
+_Inquirer._ So he does, of course. I ought to have remembered that. But
+I'd got a sort of notion they didn't really read the Bills at all--just
+chucked 'em into a bag, and called it a Second Reading.
+
+_First W. I. M._ (_condescendingly_). That's how they used to do it
+about ten years ago; but they had to alter the whole thing after they
+got BRADLAUGH into the House.
+
+_Inquirer._ Why was that?
+
+_First W. I. M._ Well, he wouldn't take an oath, you know; so, after
+that, they altered everything.
+
+_Inquirer_ (_with admiration_). By Jove, what a chap you are for
+recollecting things!
+
+    [_Terminus._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUEER QUERIES.
+
+A NEW POLL-TAX.--Would somebody inform me of the easiest way of getting
+into Parliament? I see that Members are soon going to be paid, and that
+would be very useful to me, as my present yearly expenses are £1,500,
+and my income barely £150. Had I better try as a "Labour Candidate"? I
+feel that I may claim the title, on account of the labour--twelve hours
+at least _per diem_--which I have to expend on getting out of the way of
+my creditors. I presume that, before long, there will be Parliaments all
+over the place, for England, Wales, and Scotland, as well as for
+Ireland, and I want to get into _all_! At least, I want to get into all
+where the excellent system of payment of Members is adopted, with
+salaries "On the higher scale," as they say in the Courts. It is curious
+that, when I explain to my creditors this most promising source of
+prospective income, they don't seem to see it! But creditors always were
+a purblind race.--WOULD-BE LEGISLATOR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE "WITLER" AND THE "WASSER-MAIDEN."
+
+_A Ballad of Bungdom._ (_After Hans Breitmann's Ballad of the Mermaid._)
+
+    [Illustration]
+
+  Der noble Witler[A] BUNGO
+    Von Schvillenschviggenop,
+  Rode out mit shpeer und helmet,
+    Und he coom to de panks of de Schlopp,
+
+  [A] Licensed Victualler.
+
+  Und oop dere rose a Meer-maid
+    Vot hadn't got nodings on.
+  Und she say, "Oh, Witler BUNGO,
+    Vhere you goes mit yourself alone?"
+
+  Und he says, "I rides mine high-horse,
+    Mit helmet und mit shpeer,
+  Till I gooms unto mine Gasthaus,[B]
+    Vhere I sells goot wine und peer."
+
+  [B] Tavern, or Wine Shop.
+
+  Und den outspoke de Maiden
+    Vot hadn't got nodings on:
+  "I ton't dink mooch of beoplesh
+    Dat cares for demselfs alone.
+
+  You'd petter coom down to de Wasser,--
+    'Tis de pest trink ash you'll see,--
+  Und haf a wholesome tinner
+    Mit Schlopp-Vash, along mit me."
+
+  "Dere you sees de fisch a-schwimmin!
+    Und dere healthy efery one."
+  So sang dis Wasser-Maiden,
+    Vot hadn't got nodings on.
+
+  "Your shtrong tipplesh cost mooch money,
+    Dere ish death in de trinks you've sold;
+  Und you helps yourself, by doonder,
+    To de Vorkmansh hard-earned gold.
+
+  "Shoost look at doze sodden wretches,
+    Vhite schlafes of de Witler Rings!
+  From dere 'trunks' you vill your pockets,
+    Und you rob dem like efery dings.
+
+  "Vot _dey_ vantsh mit your schnaps[C] und lager,
+    Vitrioled gin and doctored wine?
+  Smash your pottles, and preak your parrels,
+    Und try dese Schlopps of mine!"
+
+  [C] Drams, drinks.
+
+       * * *
+
+  Vill _dat_ fetch him! He standsh as shpellbound!
+    She vould pool his coat-tails down.
+  She von't draw _him_ oonder der Wasser--
+    Dat Maiden mit nodings on!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+Thank you, Mrs. HUNGERFORD (says the Baron, bowing his very best to the
+talented authoress), for one of the cheeriest, freshest, and
+sweetest--if I may be allowed to use the epithet--of one-volume'd
+stories I've read for many a day. The three daughters are delightful. I
+question whether you couldn't have done better with "two only, as are
+generally necessary;" but perhaps this is ungrateful on my part. Anyway,
+two out of the three lovers are scarcely worth mentioning, so I don't
+think I am far wrong, for the team was a bit unmanageable, well as you
+had them in hand. Excellent, too, is the sketch of _Dad_, though that of
+_Aunt Jane_ is a trifle too grotesque, and will, perforce, remind those
+of your readers, who are theatre-goers, of Mr. PENLEY in petticoats, now
+actually playing "_Charley's_" irresistibly comic _Aunt_ at the Globe
+Theatre. But it is all good, and not too good to be true. Likewise, my
+dear Madame, you have given us two life-like sketches, one of a
+car-driver with his vicious mare, and the other of _Molly's_ little dog.
+In conclusion, I congratulate you, Mrs. HUNGERFORD, as also the
+publisher, Mr. HEINEMANN, on having secured so good a specimen of the
+material for sale in this Hungerford market, says
+
+    THE BARON DE B.-W.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOME, CHEAP HOME!
+
+  "Thine be a cot beside a hill,"
+    Hums Mrs. HAWEIS in our ear;
+  "Such cots are in the market still,
+    At only thirty pounds a year.
+
+  "Then, as for furnishing the fold,
+    Another fifty pounds will do it;
+  But mind you stick to what is old,
+    Nor carry modern rubbish to it!
+
+  "Your chairs must all be Chippendale,
+    Your tables of the native oak,
+  Your sofas"--but of what avail!
+    To further urge this little joke?
+
+  For in this cot the chairs may be
+    Much chipped, but hardly Chippendale,
+  Unless the lady will agree
+    To costs "upon the _hire_ scale."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    Said a prim Bachelor, in a nasty temper, after a
+    struggle with an ultra-stiffened clean shirt, "I should
+    like to indict my laundress at the Old Bailey, charge
+    her with murdering my linen, and, as evidence, I'd
+    produce the mangled remains in Court."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    MRS. R. has been studying architecture, She says that
+    "all Schoolmasters' Houses ought to be built in the
+    Early Perpendicular Tutor style."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Illustration: "WHERE A FOOTMAN IS KEPT."
+
+    "BUT WHY DO YOU WANT TO LEAVE, SARAH? IT'S NOT A HARD
+    PLACE, AND JOHN DOES MOST OF YOUR WORK?"
+
+    "YES, MA'AM! BUT--A--JOHN HAS NO CONVERSATION?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LIQUID AIR.
+
+  A learned Professor, the other day,
+    At the Royal Institution,
+  Explained, in a quite scientific way,
+    How, helped by a contribution
+      From the Goldsmiths' Company, he'd prepare
+      Some liquid oxygen--you're aware
+      This is what plain English folks call "air"
+    Unspoilt by smoky pollution.
+
+  No doubt he meant well, and the Goldsmiths too,
+    In their noble work together;
+  But was it the very best thing to do,
+    In that showery, soaking weather;
+      When drizzle, or downpour, of dogs and cats,
+      From the "liquid air" made us all drowned rats,
+      And ruined our clothes and our best top-hats,
+    And spoilt boots of the stoutest leather?
+
+  Professors and Companies, if you would
+    Invent some sort of appliance
+  To dry "liquid air," on which we could
+    Repose implicit reliance,
+      Arranged to diminish this H_{2}O,
+      Which, as every schoolboy ought to know,
+      The Germans call _wasser_, the French call _eau_,
+    We should bless your chemical science.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    CON. FOR CAPITALISTS.
+
+    _Q._ Why is it clear the Sparrow is an advocate of Free
+    Competition?
+
+    _A._ Because his everlasting cry is, "Cheep-Cheep!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "THE GOTHENBURG SYSTEM."--Mrs. R. warmly espouses the
+    cause of Temperance. She is very strong on what she has
+    heard is called "The Gotobed System," in Sweden.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PILL-DOCTOR HERDAL.
+
+(_Translated from the Original Norwegian by Mr. Punch._)
+
+SECOND ACT.
+
+DR. HERDAL'S _Drawing-room and Dispensary, as before. It is early in the
+day._ Dr. HERDAL _sits by the little table, taking his own temperature
+with a clinical thermometer. By the door stands the_ New Book-keeper;
+_he wears blue spectacles and a discoloured white tie, and seems
+slightly nervous._
+
+_Dr. Herd._ Well, now you understand what is necessary. My late
+book-keeper, Miss BLAKDRAF, used to keep my accounts very cleverly--she
+charged every visit twice over.
+
+_The New B._ I am familiar with book-keeping by double entry. I was once
+employed at a Bank.
+
+_Dr. Herd._ I am discharging my assistant, too; he was always trying to
+push me out with his pills. Perhaps you will be able to dispense?
+
+_The New B._ (_modestly_). With an additional salary, I should be able
+to do that too.
+
+_Dr. Herd._ Capital! You _shall_ dispense with an additional salary. Go
+into the Dispensary, and see what you can make of it. You may mistake a
+few drugs at first--but everything must have a beginning.
+
+    [_As the_ New B. _retires,_ Mrs. HERDAL _enters in a hat
+    and cloak with a watering-pot, noiselessly._
+
+_Mrs. Herd._ Miss WANGEL got up early, before breakfast, and went for a
+walk. She is so wonderfully vivacious!
+
+_Dr. Herd._ So I should say. But tell me, ALINE, is she _really_ going
+to stay with us here?         [_Nervously._
+
+_Mrs. Herd._ (_looks at him_). So she tells me. And, as she has brought
+nothing with her except a tooth-brush and a powder-puff, I am going into
+the town to get her a few articles. We _must_ make her feel at home.
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_breaking out_). I _will_ make her not only _feel_, but
+_be_ at home, wherever that is, this very day! I will _not_ have a
+perambulating Allegory without a portmanteau here on an indefinite
+visit. I say, she shall go--do you hear, ALINE? Miss WANGEL will go!
+
+    [_Raps with his fist on table._
+
+_Mrs. Herd._ (_quietly_). If you say so, HAUSTUS, no doubt she will
+_have_ to go. But you must tell her so yourself.
+
+    [_Puts the watering-pot on the console table, and goes
+    out, as_ HILDA _enters, sparkling with pleasure._
+
+_Hilda_ (_goes up straight to him_). Good morning, Dr. HERDAL. I have
+just seen a pig killed. It was _ripping_--I mean, gloriously thrilling!
+And your wife has taken a tremendous fancy to me. Fancy _that_!
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_gloomily_). It _is_ eccentric certainly. But my poor dear
+wife was always a little----
+
+_Hilda_ (_nods her head slowly several times_). So _you_ have noticed
+that too? I have had a long talk with her. She can't get over your
+discharging Mr. KALOMEL--he is the only man who ever _really_ understood
+her.
+
+_Dr. Herd._ If I could only pay her off a little bit of the huge,
+immeasurable debt I owe her--but I can't!
+
+_Hilda_ (_looks hard at him_). Can't _I_ help you? I helped RAGNAR
+BROVIK. Didn't you know I stayed with him and poor little KAIA--after
+that accident to my Master Builder? I did. I made RAGNAR build me the
+loveliest castle in the air--lovelier, even, than poor Mr. SOLNESS'S
+would have been--and we stood together on the very top. The steps were
+rather too much for KAIA. Besides, there was no room for her on top. And
+he put towering spires on all his semi-detached villas. Only, somehow,
+they didn't let. Then the castle in the air tumbled down, and RAGNAR
+went into liquidation, and I continued my walking-tour.
+
+    [Illustration: "Beautiful rainbow-coloured powders that
+    will give one a real grip on the world!"]
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_interested against his will_). And where did you go after
+_that_, may I ask, Miss WANGEL?
+
+_Hilda._ Oh, ever so far North. There I met Mr. and Mrs. TESMAN--the
+second Mrs. TESMAN--she who was Mrs. ELVSTED, with the irritating hair,
+you know. They were on their honeymoon, and had just decided that it was
+impossible to reconstruct poor Mr. LÖVBORG'S great book out of Mrs.
+ELVSTED'S rough notes. But I insisted on GEORGE'S attempting the
+impossible--with Me. And what _do_ you think Mrs. TESMAN wears in her
+hair _now_?
+
+_Dr. Herd._ Why, really I could not say. Vine-leaves, perhaps.
+
+_Hilda._ Wrong--_straws!_ Poor TESMAN _didn't_ fancy that--so he shot
+himself, _un_-beautifully, through his ticket-pocket. And I went on and
+took Rosmersholm for the Summer. There had been misfortune in the house,
+so it was to let. Dear good old Rector KROLL acted as my reference; his
+wife and children had no sympathy with his views, so I used to see him
+every day. And I persuaded him, too, to attempt the impossible--he had
+never ridden anything but a rocking-horse in his life, but I made him
+promise to mount the White Horse of the Rosmersholms. He didn't get over
+_that_. They found his body, a fortnight afterwards, in the mill-dam.
+Thrilling!
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_shakes his finger at her_). What a girl you are, Miss
+WANGEL! But you mustn't play these games _here_, you know.
+
+_Hilda_ (_laughs to herself_). Of course not. But I suppose I _am_ a
+strange sort of bird.
+
+_Dr. Herd._ You are like a strong tonic. When I look at you I seem to be
+regarding an effervescing saline draught. Still, I really must decline
+to take you.
+
+_Hilda_ (_a little sulky_). That is not how you spoke ten years ago, up
+at the mountain station, when you were such a flirt!
+
+_Dr. Herd._ _Was_ I a flirt? Deuce take me if I remember. But I am not
+like that _now_.
+
+_Hilda._ Then you have really forgotten how you sat next to me at the
+_table d'hôte_, and made pills and swallowed them, and were so splendid
+and buoyant and free that all the old women who knitted left next day?
+
+_Dr. Herd._ What a memory you have for trifles, Miss WANGEL, it's quite
+wonderful!
+
+_Hilda._ Trifles! There was no trifling on _your_ part. When you
+promised to come back in ten years, like a troll, and fetch me!
+
+_Dr. Herd._ Did I say all that? It _must_ have been _after table
+d'hôte_!
+
+_Hilda._ It was. I was a mere chit then--only twenty-three; but I
+remember. And now _I_ have come for _you_.
+
+_Dr. Herd._ Dear, dear! But there is nothing of the troll about me now I
+have married Mrs. SOLNESS.
+
+_Hilda_ (_looking sharply at him_). Yes, I remember you were always
+dropping in to tea in those days.
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_seems hurt_). Every visit was duly put down in the ledger
+and charged for--as poor little SENNA will tell you.
+
+_Hilda._ Little SENNA? Oh, Dr. HERDAL, I believe there is a bit of the
+troll left in you still!
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_laughs a little_). No, no; my conscience is perfectly
+robust--always was.
+
+_Hilda._ Are you quite _quite_ sure that, when you went indoors with
+dear Mrs. SOLNESS that afternoon, and left me alone with my Master
+Builder, you did not foresee--perhaps wish--intend, even a little,
+that----H'm?
+
+_Dr. Herd._ That you would talk the poor man into clambering up that
+tower? You want to drag _Me_ into that business now!
+
+_Hilda_ (_teasingly_). Yes, I certainly think that then you went on
+exactly like a troll.
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_with uncontrollable emotion_). HILDA, there is not a
+corner of me safe from you! Yes, I see now that _must_ have been the way
+of it. Then I _was_ a troll in that, too! But isn't it terrible the
+price I have had to pay for it? To have a wife who----. No, I shall
+never roll a pill again--never, never!
+
+_Hilda_ (_lays her head on the stove, and answers as if half asleep_).
+No more pills? Poor Doctor HERDAL!
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_bitterly_). No--nothing but cosy commonplace grey powders
+for a whole troop of children.
+
+_Hilda_ (_lively again_). Not _grey_ powders! (_Quite seriously._) I will
+tell you what you shall make next. Beautiful rainbow-coloured powders
+that will give one a real grip on the world. Powders to make everyone
+free and buoyant, and ready to grasp at one's own happiness, to _dare_
+what one _would_. I will have you make them. I will--I _will!_
+
+_Dr. Herd._ H'm! I am not quite sure that I clearly understand. And then
+the ingredients--?
+
+_Hilda._ What stupid people all of you pill-doctors are, to be sure!
+Why, they will be _poisons_, of course!
+
+_Dr. Herd._ Poisons? Why in the world should they be _that_?
+
+_Hilda_ (_without answering him_). All the thrillingest, deadliest
+poisons--it is only such things that are wholesome, nowadays.
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_as if caught by her enthusiasm_). And I could colour them,
+too, by exposing them to rays cast through a prism. Oh, HILDA, how I
+have needed you all these years! For, you see, with _her_ it was
+impossible to discuss such things.          [_Embraces her._
+
+_Mrs. Herd._ (_enters noiselessly through hall-door_). I suppose,
+HAUSTUS, you are persuading Miss WANGEL to start by the afternoon
+steamer? I have bought her a pair of curling-tongs, and a packet of
+hair-pins. The larger parcels are coming on presently.
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_uneasily_). H'm! HILDA--Miss WANGEL I _should_ say--is
+kindly going to stay on a little longer, to assist me in some scientific
+experiments. You wouldn't understand them if I told you.
+
+_Mrs. Herd._ Shouldn't I, HAUSTUS? I daresay not.
+
+    [_The_ New Book-keeper _looks through the glass-door of
+    Dispensary._
+
+_Hilda_ (_starts violently and points--then in a whisper_). Who is
+_that_?
+
+_Dr. Herd._ Only the New Book-keeper and Assistant--a very intelligent
+person.
+
+_Hilda_ (_looks straight in front of her with a far-away expression, and
+whispers to herself_). I thought at first it was.... But no--_that_
+would be _too_ frightfully thrilling!
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_to himself_). I'm turning into a regular old troll
+now--but I can't help myself. After all, I am only an elderly Norwegian.
+We are _made_ like that.... Rainbow powders--_real_ rainbow powders!
+With HILDA.... Oh, to have the joy of life once more!
+
+    [_Takes his temperature again as Curtain falls._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PROFESSOR WHITEWASH'S GUIDE TO HISTORY.
+
+_Question._ Who was WILLIAM the Conqueror? _Answer._ The Managing
+Director of an Exploration Company composed of the most respectable
+shareholders.
+
+_Q._ WILLIAM RUFUS, HENRY THE FIRST and RICHARD THE FIRST?
+
+_A._ RUFUS, a worthy son of a worthy father; HENRY, a scholar, who
+strongly objected to over-cramming; and RICHARD, a mild-mannered man,
+who modestly shrank from canonisation.
+
+_Q._ And what do you know about King JOHN?
+
+_A._ That he gave to a grateful country the Magna Charta.
+
+_Q._ And all the intermediate monarchs' being equally good, what have
+you to say about King HENRY THE EIGHTH?
+
+_A._ He was a model monarch, and worthy to be the father of MARY and
+ELIZABETH.
+
+_Q._ How about the Royal ladies you have last mentioned?
+
+_A._ The first had as large a mind as the other a heart.
+
+_Q._ What do you think of the STUART Family?
+
+_A._ It was famed for its fidelity, trustfulness, and gratitude.
+
+_Q._ Were WILLIAM and MARY, and ANNE, pleasant Monarchs?
+
+_A._ Most pleasant. As witty as they were beautiful.
+
+_Q._ And how about the GEORGES?
+
+_A._ All that could be desired--and more. Indeed, all our monarchs have
+been of the most exemplary character, against whom the most
+scandal-loving would utter no word of complaint.
+
+    [Illustration: The Professor.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ENGLISH-FRENCH EMBASSADORE AT THE MANSHUN HOUSE.
+
+    [Illustration]
+
+WELL, we've bin a going on much as usual at our grand old Manshun House
+under our trewly liberal LORD MARE, but I ain't had nothink werry new to
+tell about, till a few nites ago, when we had what I can truthfully call
+a reel staggerer, and no mistake. It seems as it's allers the custon,
+when a Embassadore, who has made hisself werry poplar, is gitting jest a
+leetle tired of us, and begins to si for Ome sweet Ome, for the
+principalest Gent in London to give him sitch a grand Bankwet as he
+ain't never seen afore, and ain't never likely for to see again. So the
+LORD MARE, hearing as the French Embassadore was in that werry dellicate
+sitiwation, arsked about three hundred of the most heminent Gents in all
+London to come to the Manshun House to meet him, and they all came, as
+in course they wood do, and that was one of the werry grandest Bankwets
+as regards silly brated Gests as ewen I ewer had the honner of waiting
+on.
+
+And now for the staggerers! Just to begin with, why the French
+Embassadore is no more a Frenchman than I am! for his name it's
+WODDINGTON, and so was his Father's before him, and strange to say,
+thanks, I spose, to the splendid dinner, _et setterer_, as was guv him,
+he acshally told us as he rowed in the Winning Boat at the Uniwersity
+Boat-race at Putney, ewer so many years ago! Werry like a Frenchman,
+suttenly, or, as I should prefer saying, werry like a Whale! Of course
+all the Gents present, being reel Gents, looked quite as if they
+beleeved it all; but, when he afterwards went on to say that his Grate
+Grandfather took his most religious and grayshus Majesty, KING CHARLES
+THE SECOND, right up into the Hoak Tree, and so saved his preshus life,
+I saw sum two or three of the werry hiest on 'em trying in wain to look
+quite serious, as if they bleeved it all; and one werry smart young
+feller near me said to his friend, "Why not call it the Hoax Tree"? I
+didn't kno quite what he meant, but they both had a quiet larf over it.
+
+    [Illustration: "Robaire" à la mode de Parry.]
+
+He gave us a few more staggerers, but not quite equal to the King
+Charles one, and of course we coud all make allowances for him, as it
+was his last chance in such a party as that was. But he made up for it
+all before he left, by speaking of the Grand Old Copperation as one of
+the werry noblest bodys in the world, and as having made its mark in the
+history of this great Country, and how artily he hoped it would continue
+and flurrish for ever! I don't suppose as there was any county
+counsellers among so distingwisht a Body, or I should like to know what
+they thort of the Embassadore's opinion of us! An I'm thinkin of wizitin
+Parry myself and cummin out strong. And wy not? They tell me it will
+make me kwite young again, for I shall go over there a helderly henglish
+waiter and reappear in Parry as a "garsong" which is french for "a young
+man."
+
+    ROBERT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BRIGHTON BOORS.
+
+    [MR. GLADSTONE was mobbed by an immense crowd on Sunday,
+    the 5th.]
+
+    O Brighton, it isn't a thing to be proud of
+      That people, the fat uns as well as the bony uns,
+    Should squeeze an old Gentleman, crushed in a crowd of Brightonians.
+
+    All watering-places you claim to be Queen of,
+      As proud as the Tyrians or the Sidonians?
+    Your manners don't match; such behaviour seems green of Brightonians.
+
+    You scare away visitors, who are affrighted
+      By folks rude as Goths, Huns, or wild Caledonians.
+    Such staring shows that in two ways you're short-sighted Brightonians.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.--CHATTO AND WINDUS have published, in handy form,
+cloth bound, and handsomely printed, an edition of JUSTIN MCCARTHY'S
+novels. There are, ten in all, going at half-a-crown a-piece, and well
+worth the money. The literary style is excellent--not a matter of course
+in the writing of novels--the tone wholesome, whilst on every page
+gleams the light of genuine, if gentle humour. In looking through the
+pages of this charming little library, my Baronite is inclined to regret
+that Mr. MCCARTHY should, to some extent, have given up to Politics what
+was meant for Literature.
+
+    B. DE B.-W.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Illustration: AN EFFECT OF SHYNESS.
+
+    _Proud Mamma._ "WHICH DO YOU THINK EFFY'S MOST LIKE, MR.
+    JINKS?--HER FATHER, OR ME?"
+
+    _Mr. Jinks._ "OH--A--I SHOULD SAY SHE'S A PLAIN LIKENESS
+    OF HER FATHER----I MEAN--A--HANDSOME LIKENESS OF HER
+    MOTHER--A--I MEAN--A--A----" [_Stammers hopelessly,
+    upsets his Tea, and wishes himself unborn._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ASSAULT!!
+
+_Beleaguers babble around the Battering-Ram:--_
+
+_Balfourius_ (_musingly_).          "Heroes tall
+              Dislodging pinnacle and parapet
+              Upon the tortoise creeping to the wall."
+
+_Chamberlainus_ (_sardonically_). Heroes tall, indeed! Have the
+distressed defenders of this untenable Citadel any such? GLADSTONIUS is
+a sort of hero, perhaps, but hardly tall; HARCOURTIUS is tall indeed,
+but no hero. Aha!
+
+_Saundersonius_ (_sharply_). Yes; and we have had too much of that
+"tortoise-creeping" business. Sharp's the word now, I hope. BALFOURIUS'S
+Battering-Ram--though the murderous ruffians--I mean excited
+politicians--_did_ denounce it, is better than all your tortoises!
+
+_Balfourius_ (_completing his quotation_). "Lances in ambush set."
+
+_Saundersonius._ Oh yes, they're all very well--in their way. A School
+of Strategy for our "young bloods," with secret _séances_,
+and--ahem!--_Fagin_-like rehearsals, is not a bad notion. But on the
+whole I agree with _Moloch_:--
+
+  "My sentence is for open war: of wiles,
+  More inexpert, I boast not: there let those
+  Contrive who need, or when they need, not now.
+  For while they sit contriving, shall the rest,
+  Millions that stand in arms, and longing wait
+  The signal to arise, sit lingering here,
+  Prisoners of his tyranny who reigns
+  By our delay? No, let us rather choose,
+  Arm'd with hell-flames and fury all at once,
+  O'er these high towers to force resistless way,
+  Turning Obstruction into horrid arms
+  Against the Obstructor; when to meet the noise
+  Of his 'iniquitous' engine, he shall hear
+  Ulsterian thunder; and for lightning set
+  Green fire and rockets shot with equal rage
+  Among his 'items;' and his seat itself
+  Shake with Tartarean tactics, 'dirty tricks,'
+  His own invented dodges."
+
+_Grandolphus_ (_tugging at Balfourius's tunic-tails_). Ha! ha! ha! Well
+quoted, my Orange-plumed Hyperborean hero! (_Aside: I must read up the
+bards a bit. Didn't know they were so practically pertinent. How handy
+that_ "_senesque_" _bit came in the other day!_)
+
+_Balfourius_ (_fidgeting_). I say, GRANDOLPHUS, if you'd tug at the rope,
+instead of my tails, I fancy you'd tire me less, and have more effect on
+the Ram.
+
+_Grandolphus_ (_cheerily_). Ah, my old friend, I assure you I intend to
+stick to _you_ "loyally and unhesitatingly."
+
+_Balfourius_ (_drily_). Oh--_thanks!!!_
+
+_Chamberlainus._ Never _were_ such a United lot as we are:
+
+    (_Sings sotto voce._)
+
+  _For I love dear_ B. _as a brother, I do,_
+      _And dear_ B. _he worships me;_
+  _But we'll both be blowed if we'll either be stowed_
+      _In the other chap's hold, you see!_
+
+_Balfourius._ What's that you say?
+
+_Chamberlainus._ Oh, merely humming "Birds in their little nests agree."
+
+_Balfourius._ Ah, as the Chief says, there'll be plenty of opportunity
+for personal sacrifice and pulling together before we're through with
+this siege. To work this Battering-Ram with effect, unanimity and
+simultaneity of effort are especially essential.
+
+_Saundersonius._ Quite so! So bear a hand--_at the rope_, GRANDOLPHUS,
+if you please. Now then, boys--_all together!!!_ BANG!!!!!!
+
+_Grand Old Voice_ (_from within_). "When they _do_ agree, their
+unanimity is wonderful." Wonder if that gate will stand the shock! Must
+disable that Rampant Ram of theirs--somehow.
+
+    [_Left keeping his eye on 'em._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    SUFFICIENTLY ANTIQUE.--Said TOMKINS, "I won't say my
+    ancestors were in this Country before the Flood, _but_
+    they came in with the High Tide."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Illustration: THE ASSAULT!!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Illustration: TRIALS OF A CONVALESCENT.
+
+    _Tompkins_ (_in a feeble voice, for the fourth or fifth
+    time, with no result_). "CHAIRMAN!!! CHAIRMAN!!!"
+
+    _That Awful Boy._ "LYDIES AND GENTLEMEN----!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A FYTTE OF THE BLUES.
+
+BY AN OLD "CROCK."
+
+    (_After reading the rattling verses of_ "Tis," _entitled
+    "Good Luck!" in the "Granta."_)
+
+  Good old _Granta_! They set the blood glowing,
+    Your verse-grinder's galloping lines,
+  There seems rare inspiration in Rowing!
+    The Muse, who politely declines
+  To patronise pessimist twitters,
+    Has smiled on these stanzas, which smack
+  Of health, honest zeal, foaming "bitters,"
+    And vigour of brain and of back.
+
+  Good luck to the Light Blues! That burden
+    Befits rattling rhymes from the Cam,
+  Their "movement" might rouse a Dame DURDEN,
+    Or fire a cold victim of cram.
+  Why it stirs up "old Crocks" to peruse 'em--
+    Slashing lines on "a slashing octette"--
+  They feel, though 'tis hard to "enthuse" 'em,
+    There _must_ be some life in 'em yet.
+
+  Old Crocks! Oh, exuberant younkers!
+    You "guy" "the old gang" as "played out,"
+  As fogies, and fussers, and funkers,
+    You've over-much reason, no doubt.
+  But, great Scott! as your rowing-rhymes rattle
+    And lilt lyric praise of the Crews,
+  We too sniff the air of the battle!
+    We too have a Fit of the Blues.
+
+  It's oh! just to "swing behind LEWIS,"
+    A "youngster as strong as an ox"!
+  Or be one who true Boss of the Crew is,--
+    Your "pet Palinurus"--the Cox!
+  To feel all the blood in one glowing,
+    And--heedless of love, toil, and "tin"--
+  Know naught in creation save--Rowing.
+    Deems nothing worth much save--a WIN!
+
+  Five minutes, my boys, of such feeling,
+    When rivals look beaten and blown,
+  When the nose of your ship is just stealing
+    Ahead, when your muscles have grown
+  To thews, that--_pro tem._--are Titanic,
+    Are worth a whole year of _our_ lives,
+  Whose waistbands are--well, Aldermanic,
+    Who've wrinkles, and worries, and wives!
+
+  Well, here's to the two tints of azure,
+    The Dark Blue as well as the Light!
+  At least there's one thing we can say sure,--
+    There'll be no blue funk in their fight.
+  And here's to the Bard of the _Granta_,
+    Who sings without "side," "sniff," or "shop."
+  May he live (if he wish it), to plant a
+    Big bay on Parnassus's top!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TIM O'HOWLIGAN'S LAMENT.
+
+    AIR--"_Arrah! darlints, we can't do without ye!"_
+
+  AH! shure boys, the world has gone crazy,
+    And there's plinty of throuble in shtore,
+  Ivery mornin' I wake up onaisy
+    Bekase I can't shleep any more.
+  'Twas CROMWELL, bad scran to 'im, done it,
+    Him that murdhered King CHARLES, ochone!
+  And since the black villin begun it
+    Ould Erin's done nothing but groan,
+                  And moan,
+    It would soften the heart of a shtone.
+
+  By the poker, I'm boilin' with passion
+    Whin I think of the laws that they make;
+  At a fair the bhoys heads ye can't smash in,
+    Nor get dacently dhrunk at a wake.
+  There's only twelve pince in a shillin',
+    And not more than two pints in a quart,
+  Onless you are cliver at fillin',
+    And can make it hould more than it ought.
+                  Don't be caught,
+    Or, be jabers, they'll make you pay for't.
+
+  Where's the kings and the princes of Erin
+    That lived on purtaties and point,
+  And niver saw year out and year in
+    The divil a taste of a joint?
+  Thim toirants now buy all our bacon,
+    And the linen, and butther, and that,
+  All that grows in the counthry is taken
+    From Antrim to Mullinavat.
+                  Poor Pat
+    Has to sell at a profut, that's flat.
+
+  Well, honies, I'll give ye a hint,
+    And let ivery one do it who can;
+  When the bag of thirteens is all spint,
+    Set up for a Parliament man.
+  Thim's the boys that gets lashins of drinkin',
+    And they dine wanst a week wid the Queen,
+  Where the glasses are niver done clinkin',
+    Wid the Royalties jokin' and spreein',
+                  Jubileein',
+    And such doins as niver was seen.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    A COMPLAINT AND SIMPLE REMEDY.--
+
+    Among the Requests in our ecclesiastical contemporary,
+    _The Guardian_, recently appeared one asking for an
+    effectual way of "_exterminating dry rot, and preventing
+    its re-appearance in a church_." Why doesn't the
+    reverend inquirer try somebody else's Sermons? Or have
+    no Sermons at all?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    NOTHING more delights our old friend than to get hold of
+    a real good word, and use it with effect. "I wish I knew
+    what is going to win the Derby this year," observed her
+    Niece. "Ah, my dear," replied her Aunt, "I might be able
+    to tell you if I were a Vaccinator."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    BEST DAY IN THE WEEK FOR MAKING A PROPOSAL OF
+    MARRIAGE.--In London, Monday is the most appropriate, as
+    being dedicated to the "Monday Pops."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Illustration: _Mr. Moriarty._ "LOOK HERE, ADA, HOW MUCH
+    LONGER, FOR GOODNESS' SAKE, ARE YE GOIN' TO BE DRESSIN'
+    YOURSELF?"
+
+    _Voice from the Heights._ "ONLY TEN MINUTES, DEAR!"
+
+    _Mr. Moriarty._ "WELL, ALL I CAN SAY IS, IF I'VE GOT TO
+    WAIT HERE TEN MINUTES, I'LL--I'LL BE OFF THIS BLESSED
+    MOMENT!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Illustration: "SCENES IN THE LOBBY."
+
+    DESIGN FOR OUR OWN HISTORICAL PAINTER.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, March 6._--"The SPEAKER took the Chair at
+three o'clock." That is an extract from the _Journals of the House_, a
+fascinating literary work, ably edited by Mr. PALGRAVE with the
+assistance of Mr. MILMAN, much in favour at MUDIE'S. Last time I saw
+SPEAKER rise from Chair was Banquet at Mansion House given by way of
+farewell to M. WADDINGTON. Very remarkable scene it was. In ordinary
+times SPEAKER of House of Commons is personally unknown to outside
+public. He takes no part in debate; never goes on Midlothian Campaigns;
+belongs to no faction; has no political following; and should have no
+enemy. British public, regarding with close attention the fascinating
+arena at Westminster, have evidently formed clear opinion of its present
+President. When list of guests whom LORD MAYOR delighted to honour read
+out by Toastmaster, name of SPEAKER received with enthusiastic and
+prolonged applause. House of Commons men present, of whom there was
+large muster, evidently taken by surprise. They know the SPEAKER,
+because they daily live with him. How outside public should have been
+seized with such keen appreciation of his worth was more than they were
+prepared for.
+
+This may have been, probably was, to some extent a _succès d'estime_.
+Mr. PEEL'S speech was genuine triumph; very brief, the shortest of the
+series, but incomparably the best; lofty in tone, perfect in delivery,
+saying just the right thing at the right moment in the right way. Its
+effect at Mansion House something like that which electrified House when
+Mr. PEEL, standing on steps of Chair, faced it for first time as its
+SPEAKER, revealing, even to those who had known him long, the full
+depths of his nature and the towering height of his capacity.
+
+"_Mon Dieu_, TOBEE," said an eminent Frenchman, "the world in both
+hemispheres has always envied you the possession of your House of
+Commons. Now we know you have a Speaker worthy of its best traditions."
+
+Banquet a great success; certainly the most brilliant galaxy of guests
+drawn together in same place since Mr. PHELPS, the American Minister,
+said farewell in memorable speech. Much struck with completeness of
+arrangements. Even the waiters imbued with consciousness of great
+occasion.
+
+"Hope you enjide your dinner, Sir?" said one to me, when dessert placed
+on table.
+
+"Excellent," I said; "perhaps the whitebait done a little too much;
+showed tendency to present itself in fragments; but 'twas nothing."
+
+"Yessir," said the Waiter, diligently brushing off imaginary crumbs.
+"I'm going now, Sir."
+
+"Ah," I said; "then I suppose you don't wait to hear the speeches; flow
+of reason, you know, quite a treat."
+
+"Yessir," said he, still pegging away at the spotless table-cloth. "Can
+I get you anything more, Sir?"
+
+"No, thank you," I said, quite touched at the man's considerate
+attention, the more marked since, as far as I recognised him, I had not
+seen him before. "I've done excellently."
+
+"Yessir. I'm going now." Hardly seemed able to part. Not sure whether,
+in circumstances of international amity, I shouldn't have shaken hands
+with him. Made half advance in that direction. He quickly advanced his
+hand, but after glance at my extended palm, as rapidly withdrew it.
+Perhaps he was right. Not usual to shake hands with Waiter, though
+really, on occasion like this, one might disregard conventionalities.
+Waiter lingeringly withdrew, still keeping his eye on me, as if
+expecting me to call him back. Nodded a friendly farewell, and pensively
+peeled an orange, thinking how one touch of nature makes us kin. This
+good Waiter and I quite subdued by the graceful, generous thought of
+Lord Mayor KNILL, who has added one more link to the chain that binds in
+amity two nations that have fought all the way from Cressy to Waterloo.
+
+_Business done._--Got into Committee on Navy Estimates. In the Lobby
+sort of rehearsal of new Battle of Boyne. The other night SAUNDERSON
+said something disrespectful of Irish Members. WILLIE REDMOND, from his
+proud position among nobility and gentry above Gangway, called out, "You
+wouldn't say that in the Lobby." "Say it anywhere," responded the
+Colonel, ever ready to oblige.
+
+Next day wrote letter to REDMOND, incidentally mentioning that if he
+wanted to hear the words over again, should meet him in Lobby to-night
+after questions. Nothing nearer REDMOND'S heart's desire. At five
+o'clock Colonel, accompanied by another military gentleman, carrying his
+cloak, a pair of pistols, a stiletto, a bottle of _eau de Cologne_, a
+sponge, and a clothes-brush, sternly strode into Lobby. Carefully
+counted paces till he was standing as nearly as possible on centre tile;
+folded arms, and wished that Night or REDMOND would come. Colonel
+WARING, with military accoutrements and cloak; stood a pace and a half
+to the left rear. Presently entered REDMOND, accompanied by J. J.
+O'KELLY, also carrying cloak. Secreted in folds were shillelagh, bottle
+of whiskey, pair of spurs, a toothpick, and a freshly-minted
+crown-piece. This last, at suitable moment, to be flung across Lobby;
+(friend secretly told off to be on alert to pick it up.) Action to be
+explained as typical of throwing King's Crown into the Boyne. The
+principals approaching, REDMOND, after manner of schoolboys, who edge up
+to each other, each hoping the other doesn't want to fight, asked
+Colonel to "say it again." "Certainly; but say what?" Here difficulty
+began, which spoiled whole business. REDMOND insisted upon being called
+a murderer. SAUNDERSON punctilious on minor points, wouldn't go quite so
+far in his desire to oblige. Angry altercation followed; Members, to
+number of something like hundred, formed ring. REDMOND, with right
+shoulder aggressively hoisted, spoke over it at the Colonel. Colonel
+stood erect, with hands loosely hanging by his side, ready for
+emergencies. Crowd grew thicker and more excited. "Expected every moment
+would be our next," as CLANCY breathlessly put it. But in the end storm
+blew itself out. Nothing happened, and crowd disappointedly dispersed.
+
+  Ulster will fight,
+  But----_not to-night._
+
+_Thursday._--Opposition mustered to-day in high spirits; meeting at
+Carlton yesterday addressed by MARKISS and Prince ARTHUR; GRANDOLPH,
+looking in, took back seat in his customary retiring fashion. Meeting
+insisted on his coming to the front; made spirited speech; scarcely a
+dry eye in the Club when, looking shyly across at Prince ARTHUR, he
+alluded to him as his "old political friend," his "brilliant and
+esteemed Parliamentary Leader."
+
+"I think," said the MARKISS, as meeting dispersed, "this will drive nail
+in coffin of Home-Rule Bill, and make things pretty hot for Mr. G. As
+HART DYKE epigrammatically puts it, 'We Unionists, above all others,
+should be united.'"
+
+This, as I mentioned, happened yesterday. This afternoon Opposition
+mustered in anticipation of aggressive action by Mr. G. Had given notice
+to move suspension of Twelve o'Clock Rule, in order to make progress
+with Estimates.
+
+"Not if we know it," said Right Hon. JAMES LOWTHER, commonly called
+"JEMMIE."
+
+Mr. G., previous to moving Resolution, explained there was no intention
+of sitting late; Suspension Standing Order was matter of precaution
+designed to prevent arbitrary carrying over of Amendments when
+adequately discussed. Prince ARTHUR'S keen eye discerned that this might
+be so construed as to convey no advantage to Government. When twelve
+o'clock came Debate might be diverged on to lines of wrangle round
+Question of Adjournment, and so House up and nothing done. On this
+understanding he declared he would not resist Motion of Leader of House.
+Then JEMMIE, rushing to the front, made the running. Did Mr. G. intend,
+in any case, to take Second Reading of Home-Rule Bill on Thursday next?
+Mr. G. nodded assent. "Very well, then I'll divide against you," JEMMIE
+roared across the pained figure of his esteemed Leader. Not to be moved
+by blandishment or argument from this position. Prince ARTHUR, seeing
+matters hopeless, haughtily strode forth, GRANDOLPH loyally accompanying
+him. But more than half his old colleagues stayed behind with JEMMIE
+LOWTHER who got Opposition soundly beaten by majority of 85.
+
+"There's only one thing we want to run our majority over 100," said
+SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, smiling beneficently from Treasury Bench. "Another
+meeting of the Party at the Carlton Club will do it."
+
+"What did you mean by to-night's performance?" I asked JEMMIE, later.
+
+"Mean? I meant business. I'm a little tired of lurking in background
+seeing men come to front who haven't half my ability, political acumen,
+or Parliamentary knowledge. I intend to have a Party of my own. There
+has been a Fourth Party, and before that there was a Tea-room Party, and
+a Cave of Adullam. I shall eclipse them all."
+
+"And under what name do you think history will know your faction?" I
+asked, much interested.
+
+The Right Hon. took up a piece of paper, and on it wrote the words,
+"LOWTHER'S ARCADE."
+
+_Business done._--WOLMER'S Amendment on the Navy Estimates negatived.
+
+_Friday._--Prince ARTHUR, and Statesman to whom AUSTEN CHAMBERLAIN
+distantly alludes as "My Right Hon. friend," sit separated by width of
+House. But, in assaults on Government, they are not divided. Idle
+stories about differences of opinion arising between them quite
+unnecessarily denied.
+
+"I never look at them," said TREVELYAN, "without recalling to mind a
+passage in what is, I think, my favourite among DICKENS'S novels. You
+remember the scene in _Great Expectations_, where _Joe Gargery_ visits
+_Pip_, in his day of prosperity, in London? 'Ever best of friends,' says
+JOE (CHAMBERLAIN). 'Dear JOE,' says Prince ARTHUR. 'You know, PIP,' says
+JOE, 'as you and me were ever friends, and it were looked forrerd to
+betwixt us as bein' calc'lated to lead to larks.'"
+
+The expectation not lacking of past fulfilment; full of promise in days
+near at hand.
+
+_Business done._--Sat from two to seven discussing whether we shall sit
+to-morrow in order to make progress with public business. Finally
+decided we shall. Meanwhile, morning sitting slipped away.
+
+    [Illustration: "GREAT EXPECTATIONS."
+
+    ["As persistent attempts are being made to show that Mr.
+    BALFOUR and Mr. CHAMBERLAIN are at variance respecting
+    the tactics which should be adopted by the Unionist
+    Party in Opposition, we may state that more thorough
+    accord never existed than at the present moment."--_The
+    Times, March 8, 1893._]
+
+    _Gargery Chamberlain._ "You know, PIP, as you and me
+    were ever the best of Friends!"
+
+    _Balfour Pip._ "Dear JO!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VINO ITALIANO CON TEMPERANZA.--Signor VITALI, of the
+Italian-Wine-in-England Mission, writes to us to say that Sir WILFRID
+LAWSON might temper his favourite beverage of _Aqua Pura_ with half a
+gallon flask of _Vinum Purum Italianum_, such as Chianti, and he would
+be none the worse for it. We are inclined to agree with the Signor
+VITALI, as, in our opinion, there is small likelihood of any Italian
+wine-drinker "getting any forrader." Of course Signor VITALI, being
+somewhat interested in the matter, and therefore, most hopeful that his
+enterprise will result in orders for any number of flasks, and not end
+in an empty _fiasco_, would not fail to point out that Italian wine is
+likely to have a prolonged existence in this country, as it is not
+lacking in Vitali-ty.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TONE AND TINT.--(By a Wearer of the Green.)
+
+  YOUR Orangeman swears--he's a terrible fellow!--
+  They shan't set the Green o'er his favourite Yellow.
+  His shout's "No surrender!" And is he so Green
+  As to think we'll turn Yellow because of his spleen?
+  No, no! He may vow in his last ditch he'll die,
+  But--we're not to be scared by a _Hue_ and a _Cry_!
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+104, March 18, 1893, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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