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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 104,
+March 18, 1893, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 104, March 18, 1893
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Francis Burnand
+
+Release Date: September 17, 2007 [EBook #22645]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by V. L. Simpson, Juliet Sutherland and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+
+VOL 104.
+
+
+
+
+March 18, 1893.
+
+
+
+
+    [Illustration: "WELL MATCHED."
+
+    _Medico_ (_pathetically, with a view to touching the
+    Dealer's heart_). "NOW, MR. BOBBS, WHAT _DO_ YOU THINK I
+    COULD GET A THOROUGHLY GOOD USEFUL PAIR OF HORSES FOR,
+    EH? PRICE NOT STIFF."
+
+    _Mr. Bobbs._ "LOR' BLESS YOU, SIR, TO FIND
+    HORSES--NOTHIN' EASIER. BUT, AS REGARDS
+    _PRICE_--WELL--YOU CAN HAVE 'EM AT ALL PRICES, JUST AS
+    YOU CAN DOCTORS!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MIXED NOTIONS.
+
+No. VII.--PARLIAMENTARY PROCEDURE.
+
+(_Scene and Persons as usual._)
+
+_Inquirer_ (_to First Well-Informed Man_). I say, have you ever been in
+the House of Commons?
+
+_First W. I. M._ (_shortly_). No, you know I haven't.
+
+_Inquirer._ Oh, I don't mean as a Member. Of course I know you wouldn't
+stand the rot of all these Constituents, or whatever they call
+themselves. But have you ever been there as a visitor while a debate's
+going on?
+
+_First W. I. M._ Yes, once--some years ago. But why do you ask?
+
+_Inquirer_ (_producing an order of admission_). Well, you see, I got old
+JENKINS to give me a ticket for to-night, and I'm hanged if I know how
+I'm to get there, or when I'm to go, or anything about it. I thought you
+might be able to tell me how it's done.
+
+_First W. I. M._ Let's have a look at your ticket.
+
+    [_Both the_ Well-Informed Men _inspect it with an air of
+    critical sagacity._
+
+_First W. I. M._ (_after a prolonged pause_). I don't see where your
+difficulty is. You just present this! at the door.
+
+_Inquirer._ Ah, I daresay!--but what door? That's what I want to know.
+The place looks as if it had about fifty thousand doors, you know. And
+then I believe, if you make any mistakes, they march you off, in
+two-twos, as a dynamiter, or a Socialist, or an agitator, or something.
+You know old BONKER. Well, he went there once with a black bag, in which
+he'd got some sandwiches and cake, and, just because he wouldn't open
+it, they made no end of a row, and shoved him in the Clock-tower, or
+something, until he apologised. I don't want any of those games, you
+know.
+
+_Average Man._ Don't take a black bag then. They won't want to search
+your pockets.
+
+_Inquirer_ (_relieved_). Won't they? That's one comfort, at any rate. Do
+you think I ought to go in at the big entrance?
+
+_First W. I. M._ Of course you ought. The others are only for Members.
+
+_Inquirer._ Ah! And I suppose I ought to get there pretty early now that
+they've changed their hours. (_With determination._) I'll go about
+half-past eleven.
+
+    [_A pause. They read papers._
+
+_Inquirer_ (_suddenly, with intense alarm_). Oh, I say, look here, you
+chaps. Here's old GLADSTONE gone and suspended the Twelve o'Clock Rule.
+What does that mean?
+
+_Second W. I. M._ It means that they start everything at twelve o'clock
+in the day.
+
+_First W. I. M._ No, it doesn't. It means that they don't start anything
+till twelve o'clock at night.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ (_pityingly_). My dear fellow, where have you been all
+these years? They _always_ go home on the stroke of midnight now.
+
+_First W. I. M._ That's just where you're wrong. Midnight to two in the
+morning is just jolly well their best time now.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ I'll bet you half a thick 'un you're wrong!
+
+_First W. I. M._ And I'll bet you half a thick 'un I'm right!
+
+    [_The argument continues for some minutes in this
+    strain._
+
+_Inquirer._ I wonder if they'll have any obstruction. I should like to
+see some of that. I believe it's no end amusing.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ Oh, you may trust this Opposition for that. Their only
+notion for employing time is to obstruct everything and everybody.
+
+_First W. I. M._ (_with a deadly calmness_). Ah! you call it
+obstruction, of course, because you want to rush your iniquitous Bills
+through the House. But you don't think we're going to stand that, do
+you?--because we're not, and the Country's with us. Just look at
+Grimsby.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ All right! Suppose you look at Cirencester.
+
+_First W. I. M._ What do you say to Stockport then?
+
+_Second W. I. M._ And what do _you_ say to Walsham and Hexall, and all
+the rest of them? (_At the suggestion of the_ Average Man, _they abandon
+this fiery debate. A pause._)
+
+_Inquirer._ Who's Speaker now?
+
+_First W. I. M._ Sir ROBERT PEEL.
+
+_Inquirer._ Will he be there to-night?
+
+_First W. I. M._ Of course he will. He's got to be there.
+
+_Inquirer._ But then what does the Chairman of Committee do?
+
+_First W. I. M._ Oh, ah,--um, let me see; the Chairman of Committee
+does----(_Brightly._) He's only appointed, you know, when they want a
+Committee about something.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ I fancy he has to read the Bills.
+
+_First W. I. M._ (_gathering assurance as he proceeds_). Not when
+they're read a first time. Somebody else does that--I forget what they
+call him. The Chairman reads 'em a second time, and takes 'em up to the
+House of Lords.
+
+_Inquirer._ So he does, of course. I ought to have remembered that. But
+I'd got a sort of notion they didn't really read the Bills at all--just
+chucked 'em into a bag, and called it a Second Reading.
+
+_First W. I. M._ (_condescendingly_). That's how they used to do it
+about ten years ago; but they had to alter the whole thing after they
+got BRADLAUGH into the House.
+
+_Inquirer._ Why was that?
+
+_First W. I. M._ Well, he wouldn't take an oath, you know; so, after
+that, they altered everything.
+
+_Inquirer_ (_with admiration_). By Jove, what a chap you are for
+recollecting things!
+
+    [_Terminus._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUEER QUERIES.
+
+A NEW POLL-TAX.--Would somebody inform me of the easiest way of getting
+into Parliament? I see that Members are soon going to be paid, and that
+would be very useful to me, as my present yearly expenses are £1,500,
+and my income barely £150. Had I better try as a "Labour Candidate"? I
+feel that I may claim the title, on account of the labour--twelve hours
+at least _per diem_--which I have to expend on getting out of the way of
+my creditors. I presume that, before long, there will be Parliaments all
+over the place, for England, Wales, and Scotland, as well as for
+Ireland, and I want to get into _all_! At least, I want to get into all
+where the excellent system of payment of Members is adopted, with
+salaries "On the higher scale," as they say in the Courts. It is curious
+that, when I explain to my creditors this most promising source of
+prospective income, they don't seem to see it! But creditors always were
+a purblind race.--WOULD-BE LEGISLATOR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE "WITLER" AND THE "WASSER-MAIDEN."
+
+_A Ballad of Bungdom._ (_After Hans Breitmann's Ballad of the Mermaid._)
+
+    [Illustration]
+
+  Der noble Witler[A] BUNGO
+    Von Schvillenschviggenop,
+  Rode out mit shpeer und helmet,
+    Und he coom to de panks of de Schlopp,
+
+  [A] Licensed Victualler.
+
+  Und oop dere rose a Meer-maid
+    Vot hadn't got nodings on.
+  Und she say, "Oh, Witler BUNGO,
+    Vhere you goes mit yourself alone?"
+
+  Und he says, "I rides mine high-horse,
+    Mit helmet und mit shpeer,
+  Till I gooms unto mine Gasthaus,[B]
+    Vhere I sells goot wine und peer."
+
+  [B] Tavern, or Wine Shop.
+
+  Und den outspoke de Maiden
+    Vot hadn't got nodings on:
+  "I ton't dink mooch of beoplesh
+    Dat cares for demselfs alone.
+
+  You'd petter coom down to de Wasser,--
+    'Tis de pest trink ash you'll see,--
+  Und haf a wholesome tinner
+    Mit Schlopp-Vash, along mit me."
+
+  "Dere you sees de fisch a-schwimmin!
+    Und dere healthy efery one."
+  So sang dis Wasser-Maiden,
+    Vot hadn't got nodings on.
+
+  "Your shtrong tipplesh cost mooch money,
+    Dere ish death in de trinks you've sold;
+  Und you helps yourself, by doonder,
+    To de Vorkmansh hard-earned gold.
+
+  "Shoost look at doze sodden wretches,
+    Vhite schlafes of de Witler Rings!
+  From dere 'trunks' you vill your pockets,
+    Und you rob dem like efery dings.
+
+  "Vot _dey_ vantsh mit your schnaps[C] und lager,
+    Vitrioled gin and doctored wine?
+  Smash your pottles, and preak your parrels,
+    Und try dese Schlopps of mine!"
+
+  [C] Drams, drinks.
+
+       * * *
+
+  Vill _dat_ fetch him! He standsh as shpellbound!
+    She vould pool his coat-tails down.
+  She von't draw _him_ oonder der Wasser--
+    Dat Maiden mit nodings on!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+Thank you, Mrs. HUNGERFORD (says the Baron, bowing his very best to the
+talented authoress), for one of the cheeriest, freshest, and
+sweetest--if I may be allowed to use the epithet--of one-volume'd
+stories I've read for many a day. The three daughters are delightful. I
+question whether you couldn't have done better with "two only, as are
+generally necessary;" but perhaps this is ungrateful on my part. Anyway,
+two out of the three lovers are scarcely worth mentioning, so I don't
+think I am far wrong, for the team was a bit unmanageable, well as you
+had them in hand. Excellent, too, is the sketch of _Dad_, though that of
+_Aunt Jane_ is a trifle too grotesque, and will, perforce, remind those
+of your readers, who are theatre-goers, of Mr. PENLEY in petticoats, now
+actually playing "_Charley's_" irresistibly comic _Aunt_ at the Globe
+Theatre. But it is all good, and not too good to be true. Likewise, my
+dear Madame, you have given us two life-like sketches, one of a
+car-driver with his vicious mare, and the other of _Molly's_ little dog.
+In conclusion, I congratulate you, Mrs. HUNGERFORD, as also the
+publisher, Mr. HEINEMANN, on having secured so good a specimen of the
+material for sale in this Hungerford market, says
+
+    THE BARON DE B.-W.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOME, CHEAP HOME!
+
+  "Thine be a cot beside a hill,"
+    Hums Mrs. HAWEIS in our ear;
+  "Such cots are in the market still,
+    At only thirty pounds a year.
+
+  "Then, as for furnishing the fold,
+    Another fifty pounds will do it;
+  But mind you stick to what is old,
+    Nor carry modern rubbish to it!
+
+  "Your chairs must all be Chippendale,
+    Your tables of the native oak,
+  Your sofas"--but of what avail!
+    To further urge this little joke?
+
+  For in this cot the chairs may be
+    Much chipped, but hardly Chippendale,
+  Unless the lady will agree
+    To costs "upon the _hire_ scale."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    Said a prim Bachelor, in a nasty temper, after a
+    struggle with an ultra-stiffened clean shirt, "I should
+    like to indict my laundress at the Old Bailey, charge
+    her with murdering my linen, and, as evidence, I'd
+    produce the mangled remains in Court."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    MRS. R. has been studying architecture, She says that
+    "all Schoolmasters' Houses ought to be built in the
+    Early Perpendicular Tutor style."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Illustration: "WHERE A FOOTMAN IS KEPT."
+
+    "BUT WHY DO YOU WANT TO LEAVE, SARAH? IT'S NOT A HARD
+    PLACE, AND JOHN DOES MOST OF YOUR WORK?"
+
+    "YES, MA'AM! BUT--A--JOHN HAS NO CONVERSATION?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LIQUID AIR.
+
+  A learned Professor, the other day,
+    At the Royal Institution,
+  Explained, in a quite scientific way,
+    How, helped by a contribution
+      From the Goldsmiths' Company, he'd prepare
+      Some liquid oxygen--you're aware
+      This is what plain English folks call "air"
+    Unspoilt by smoky pollution.
+
+  No doubt he meant well, and the Goldsmiths too,
+    In their noble work together;
+  But was it the very best thing to do,
+    In that showery, soaking weather;
+      When drizzle, or downpour, of dogs and cats,
+      From the "liquid air" made us all drowned rats,
+      And ruined our clothes and our best top-hats,
+    And spoilt boots of the stoutest leather?
+
+  Professors and Companies, if you would
+    Invent some sort of appliance
+  To dry "liquid air," on which we could
+    Repose implicit reliance,
+      Arranged to diminish this H_{2}O,
+      Which, as every schoolboy ought to know,
+      The Germans call _wasser_, the French call _eau_,
+    We should bless your chemical science.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    CON. FOR CAPITALISTS.
+
+    _Q._ Why is it clear the Sparrow is an advocate of Free
+    Competition?
+
+    _A._ Because his everlasting cry is, "Cheep-Cheep!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "THE GOTHENBURG SYSTEM."--Mrs. R. warmly espouses the
+    cause of Temperance. She is very strong on what she has
+    heard is called "The Gotobed System," in Sweden.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PILL-DOCTOR HERDAL.
+
+(_Translated from the Original Norwegian by Mr. Punch._)
+
+SECOND ACT.
+
+DR. HERDAL'S _Drawing-room and Dispensary, as before. It is early in the
+day._ Dr. HERDAL _sits by the little table, taking his own temperature
+with a clinical thermometer. By the door stands the_ New Book-keeper;
+_he wears blue spectacles and a discoloured white tie, and seems
+slightly nervous._
+
+_Dr. Herd._ Well, now you understand what is necessary. My late
+book-keeper, Miss BLAKDRAF, used to keep my accounts very cleverly--she
+charged every visit twice over.
+
+_The New B._ I am familiar with book-keeping by double entry. I was once
+employed at a Bank.
+
+_Dr. Herd._ I am discharging my assistant, too; he was always trying to
+push me out with his pills. Perhaps you will be able to dispense?
+
+_The New B._ (_modestly_). With an additional salary, I should be able
+to do that too.
+
+_Dr. Herd._ Capital! You _shall_ dispense with an additional salary. Go
+into the Dispensary, and see what you can make of it. You may mistake a
+few drugs at first--but everything must have a beginning.
+
+    [_As the_ New B. _retires,_ Mrs. HERDAL _enters in a hat
+    and cloak with a watering-pot, noiselessly._
+
+_Mrs. Herd._ Miss WANGEL got up early, before breakfast, and went for a
+walk. She is so wonderfully vivacious!
+
+_Dr. Herd._ So I should say. But tell me, ALINE, is she _really_ going
+to stay with us here?         [_Nervously._
+
+_Mrs. Herd._ (_looks at him_). So she tells me. And, as she has brought
+nothing with her except a tooth-brush and a powder-puff, I am going into
+the town to get her a few articles. We _must_ make her feel at home.
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_breaking out_). I _will_ make her not only _feel_, but
+_be_ at home, wherever that is, this very day! I will _not_ have a
+perambulating Allegory without a portmanteau here on an indefinite
+visit. I say, she shall go--do you hear, ALINE? Miss WANGEL will go!
+
+    [_Raps with his fist on table._
+
+_Mrs. Herd._ (_quietly_). If you say so, HAUSTUS, no doubt she will
+_have_ to go. But you must tell her so yourself.
+
+    [_Puts the watering-pot on the console table, and goes
+    out, as_ HILDA _enters, sparkling with pleasure._
+
+_Hilda_ (_goes up straight to him_). Good morning, Dr. HERDAL. I have
+just seen a pig killed. It was _ripping_--I mean, gloriously thrilling!
+And your wife has taken a tremendous fancy to me. Fancy _that_!
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_gloomily_). It _is_ eccentric certainly. But my poor dear
+wife was always a little----
+
+_Hilda_ (_nods her head slowly several times_). So _you_ have noticed
+that too? I have had a long talk with her. She can't get over your
+discharging Mr. KALOMEL--he is the only man who ever _really_ understood
+her.
+
+_Dr. Herd._ If I could only pay her off a little bit of the huge,
+immeasurable debt I owe her--but I can't!
+
+_Hilda_ (_looks hard at him_). Can't _I_ help you? I helped RAGNAR
+BROVIK. Didn't you know I stayed with him and poor little KAIA--after
+that accident to my Master Builder? I did. I made RAGNAR build me the
+loveliest castle in the air--lovelier, even, than poor Mr. SOLNESS'S
+would have been--and we stood together on the very top. The steps were
+rather too much for KAIA. Besides, there was no room for her on top. And
+he put towering spires on all his semi-detached villas. Only, somehow,
+they didn't let. Then the castle in the air tumbled down, and RAGNAR
+went into liquidation, and I continued my walking-tour.
+
+    [Illustration: "Beautiful rainbow-coloured powders that
+    will give one a real grip on the world!"]
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_interested against his will_). And where did you go after
+_that_, may I ask, Miss WANGEL?
+
+_Hilda._ Oh, ever so far North. There I met Mr. and Mrs. TESMAN--the
+second Mrs. TESMAN--she who was Mrs. ELVSTED, with the irritating hair,
+you know. They were on their honeymoon, and had just decided that it was
+impossible to reconstruct poor Mr. LÖVBORG'S great book out of Mrs.
+ELVSTED'S rough notes. But I insisted on GEORGE'S attempting the
+impossible--with Me. And what _do_ you think Mrs. TESMAN wears in her
+hair _now_?
+
+_Dr. Herd._ Why, really I could not say. Vine-leaves, perhaps.
+
+_Hilda._ Wrong--_straws!_ Poor TESMAN _didn't_ fancy that--so he shot
+himself, _un_-beautifully, through his ticket-pocket. And I went on and
+took Rosmersholm for the Summer. There had been misfortune in the house,
+so it was to let. Dear good old Rector KROLL acted as my reference; his
+wife and children had no sympathy with his views, so I used to see him
+every day. And I persuaded him, too, to attempt the impossible--he had
+never ridden anything but a rocking-horse in his life, but I made him
+promise to mount the White Horse of the Rosmersholms. He didn't get over
+_that_. They found his body, a fortnight afterwards, in the mill-dam.
+Thrilling!
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_shakes his finger at her_). What a girl you are, Miss
+WANGEL! But you mustn't play these games _here_, you know.
+
+_Hilda_ (_laughs to herself_). Of course not. But I suppose I _am_ a
+strange sort of bird.
+
+_Dr. Herd._ You are like a strong tonic. When I look at you I seem to be
+regarding an effervescing saline draught. Still, I really must decline
+to take you.
+
+_Hilda_ (_a little sulky_). That is not how you spoke ten years ago, up
+at the mountain station, when you were such a flirt!
+
+_Dr. Herd._ _Was_ I a flirt? Deuce take me if I remember. But I am not
+like that _now_.
+
+_Hilda._ Then you have really forgotten how you sat next to me at the
+_table d'hôte_, and made pills and swallowed them, and were so splendid
+and buoyant and free that all the old women who knitted left next day?
+
+_Dr. Herd._ What a memory you have for trifles, Miss WANGEL, it's quite
+wonderful!
+
+_Hilda._ Trifles! There was no trifling on _your_ part. When you
+promised to come back in ten years, like a troll, and fetch me!
+
+_Dr. Herd._ Did I say all that? It _must_ have been _after table
+d'hôte_!
+
+_Hilda._ It was. I was a mere chit then--only twenty-three; but I
+remember. And now _I_ have come for _you_.
+
+_Dr. Herd._ Dear, dear! But there is nothing of the troll about me now I
+have married Mrs. SOLNESS.
+
+_Hilda_ (_looking sharply at him_). Yes, I remember you were always
+dropping in to tea in those days.
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_seems hurt_). Every visit was duly put down in the ledger
+and charged for--as poor little SENNA will tell you.
+
+_Hilda._ Little SENNA? Oh, Dr. HERDAL, I believe there is a bit of the
+troll left in you still!
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_laughs a little_). No, no; my conscience is perfectly
+robust--always was.
+
+_Hilda._ Are you quite _quite_ sure that, when you went indoors with
+dear Mrs. SOLNESS that afternoon, and left me alone with my Master
+Builder, you did not foresee--perhaps wish--intend, even a little,
+that----H'm?
+
+_Dr. Herd._ That you would talk the poor man into clambering up that
+tower? You want to drag _Me_ into that business now!
+
+_Hilda_ (_teasingly_). Yes, I certainly think that then you went on
+exactly like a troll.
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_with uncontrollable emotion_). HILDA, there is not a
+corner of me safe from you! Yes, I see now that _must_ have been the way
+of it. Then I _was_ a troll in that, too! But isn't it terrible the
+price I have had to pay for it? To have a wife who----. No, I shall
+never roll a pill again--never, never!
+
+_Hilda_ (_lays her head on the stove, and answers as if half asleep_).
+No more pills? Poor Doctor HERDAL!
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_bitterly_). No--nothing but cosy commonplace grey powders
+for a whole troop of children.
+
+_Hilda_ (_lively again_). Not _grey_ powders! (_Quite seriously._) I will
+tell you what you shall make next. Beautiful rainbow-coloured powders
+that will give one a real grip on the world. Powders to make everyone
+free and buoyant, and ready to grasp at one's own happiness, to _dare_
+what one _would_. I will have you make them. I will--I _will!_
+
+_Dr. Herd._ H'm! I am not quite sure that I clearly understand. And then
+the ingredients--?
+
+_Hilda._ What stupid people all of you pill-doctors are, to be sure!
+Why, they will be _poisons_, of course!
+
+_Dr. Herd._ Poisons? Why in the world should they be _that_?
+
+_Hilda_ (_without answering him_). All the thrillingest, deadliest
+poisons--it is only such things that are wholesome, nowadays.
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_as if caught by her enthusiasm_). And I could colour them,
+too, by exposing them to rays cast through a prism. Oh, HILDA, how I
+have needed you all these years! For, you see, with _her_ it was
+impossible to discuss such things.          [_Embraces her._
+
+_Mrs. Herd._ (_enters noiselessly through hall-door_). I suppose,
+HAUSTUS, you are persuading Miss WANGEL to start by the afternoon
+steamer? I have bought her a pair of curling-tongs, and a packet of
+hair-pins. The larger parcels are coming on presently.
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_uneasily_). H'm! HILDA--Miss WANGEL I _should_ say--is
+kindly going to stay on a little longer, to assist me in some scientific
+experiments. You wouldn't understand them if I told you.
+
+_Mrs. Herd._ Shouldn't I, HAUSTUS? I daresay not.
+
+    [_The_ New Book-keeper _looks through the glass-door of
+    Dispensary._
+
+_Hilda_ (_starts violently and points--then in a whisper_). Who is
+_that_?
+
+_Dr. Herd._ Only the New Book-keeper and Assistant--a very intelligent
+person.
+
+_Hilda_ (_looks straight in front of her with a far-away expression, and
+whispers to herself_). I thought at first it was.... But no--_that_
+would be _too_ frightfully thrilling!
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_to himself_). I'm turning into a regular old troll
+now--but I can't help myself. After all, I am only an elderly Norwegian.
+We are _made_ like that.... Rainbow powders--_real_ rainbow powders!
+With HILDA.... Oh, to have the joy of life once more!
+
+    [_Takes his temperature again as Curtain falls._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PROFESSOR WHITEWASH'S GUIDE TO HISTORY.
+
+_Question._ Who was WILLIAM the Conqueror? _Answer._ The Managing
+Director of an Exploration Company composed of the most respectable
+shareholders.
+
+_Q._ WILLIAM RUFUS, HENRY THE FIRST and RICHARD THE FIRST?
+
+_A._ RUFUS, a worthy son of a worthy father; HENRY, a scholar, who
+strongly objected to over-cramming; and RICHARD, a mild-mannered man,
+who modestly shrank from canonisation.
+
+_Q._ And what do you know about King JOHN?
+
+_A._ That he gave to a grateful country the Magna Charta.
+
+_Q._ And all the intermediate monarchs' being equally good, what have
+you to say about King HENRY THE EIGHTH?
+
+_A._ He was a model monarch, and worthy to be the father of MARY and
+ELIZABETH.
+
+_Q._ How about the Royal ladies you have last mentioned?
+
+_A._ The first had as large a mind as the other a heart.
+
+_Q._ What do you think of the STUART Family?
+
+_A._ It was famed for its fidelity, trustfulness, and gratitude.
+
+_Q._ Were WILLIAM and MARY, and ANNE, pleasant Monarchs?
+
+_A._ Most pleasant. As witty as they were beautiful.
+
+_Q._ And how about the GEORGES?
+
+_A._ All that could be desired--and more. Indeed, all our monarchs have
+been of the most exemplary character, against whom the most
+scandal-loving would utter no word of complaint.
+
+    [Illustration: The Professor.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ENGLISH-FRENCH EMBASSADORE AT THE MANSHUN HOUSE.
+
+    [Illustration]
+
+WELL, we've bin a going on much as usual at our grand old Manshun House
+under our trewly liberal LORD MARE, but I ain't had nothink werry new to
+tell about, till a few nites ago, when we had what I can truthfully call
+a reel staggerer, and no mistake. It seems as it's allers the custon,
+when a Embassadore, who has made hisself werry poplar, is gitting jest a
+leetle tired of us, and begins to si for Ome sweet Ome, for the
+principalest Gent in London to give him sitch a grand Bankwet as he
+ain't never seen afore, and ain't never likely for to see again. So the
+LORD MARE, hearing as the French Embassadore was in that werry dellicate
+sitiwation, arsked about three hundred of the most heminent Gents in all
+London to come to the Manshun House to meet him, and they all came, as
+in course they wood do, and that was one of the werry grandest Bankwets
+as regards silly brated Gests as ewen I ewer had the honner of waiting
+on.
+
+And now for the staggerers! Just to begin with, why the French
+Embassadore is no more a Frenchman than I am! for his name it's
+WODDINGTON, and so was his Father's before him, and strange to say,
+thanks, I spose, to the splendid dinner, _et setterer_, as was guv him,
+he acshally told us as he rowed in the Winning Boat at the Uniwersity
+Boat-race at Putney, ewer so many years ago! Werry like a Frenchman,
+suttenly, or, as I should prefer saying, werry like a Whale! Of course
+all the Gents present, being reel Gents, looked quite as if they
+beleeved it all; but, when he afterwards went on to say that his Grate
+Grandfather took his most religious and grayshus Majesty, KING CHARLES
+THE SECOND, right up into the Hoak Tree, and so saved his preshus life,
+I saw sum two or three of the werry hiest on 'em trying in wain to look
+quite serious, as if they bleeved it all; and one werry smart young
+feller near me said to his friend, "Why not call it the Hoax Tree"? I
+didn't kno quite what he meant, but they both had a quiet larf over it.
+
+    [Illustration: "Robaire" à la mode de Parry.]
+
+He gave us a few more staggerers, but not quite equal to the King
+Charles one, and of course we coud all make allowances for him, as it
+was his last chance in such a party as that was. But he made up for it
+all before he left, by speaking of the Grand Old Copperation as one of
+the werry noblest bodys in the world, and as having made its mark in the
+history of this great Country, and how artily he hoped it would continue
+and flurrish for ever! I don't suppose as there was any county
+counsellers among so distingwisht a Body, or I should like to know what
+they thort of the Embassadore's opinion of us! An I'm thinkin of wizitin
+Parry myself and cummin out strong. And wy not? They tell me it will
+make me kwite young again, for I shall go over there a helderly henglish
+waiter and reappear in Parry as a "garsong" which is french for "a young
+man."
+
+    ROBERT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BRIGHTON BOORS.
+
+    [MR. GLADSTONE was mobbed by an immense crowd on Sunday,
+    the 5th.]
+
+    O Brighton, it isn't a thing to be proud of
+      That people, the fat uns as well as the bony uns,
+    Should squeeze an old Gentleman, crushed in a crowd of Brightonians.
+
+    All watering-places you claim to be Queen of,
+      As proud as the Tyrians or the Sidonians?
+    Your manners don't match; such behaviour seems green of Brightonians.
+
+    You scare away visitors, who are affrighted
+      By folks rude as Goths, Huns, or wild Caledonians.
+    Such staring shows that in two ways you're short-sighted Brightonians.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.--CHATTO AND WINDUS have published, in handy form,
+cloth bound, and handsomely printed, an edition of JUSTIN MCCARTHY'S
+novels. There are, ten in all, going at half-a-crown a-piece, and well
+worth the money. The literary style is excellent--not a matter of course
+in the writing of novels--the tone wholesome, whilst on every page
+gleams the light of genuine, if gentle humour. In looking through the
+pages of this charming little library, my Baronite is inclined to regret
+that Mr. MCCARTHY should, to some extent, have given up to Politics what
+was meant for Literature.
+
+    B. DE B.-W.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Illustration: AN EFFECT OF SHYNESS.
+
+    _Proud Mamma._ "WHICH DO YOU THINK EFFY'S MOST LIKE, MR.
+    JINKS?--HER FATHER, OR ME?"
+
+    _Mr. Jinks._ "OH--A--I SHOULD SAY SHE'S A PLAIN LIKENESS
+    OF HER FATHER----I MEAN--A--HANDSOME LIKENESS OF HER
+    MOTHER--A--I MEAN--A--A----" [_Stammers hopelessly,
+    upsets his Tea, and wishes himself unborn._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ASSAULT!!
+
+_Beleaguers babble around the Battering-Ram:--_
+
+_Balfourius_ (_musingly_).          "Heroes tall
+              Dislodging pinnacle and parapet
+              Upon the tortoise creeping to the wall."
+
+_Chamberlainus_ (_sardonically_). Heroes tall, indeed! Have the
+distressed defenders of this untenable Citadel any such? GLADSTONIUS is
+a sort of hero, perhaps, but hardly tall; HARCOURTIUS is tall indeed,
+but no hero. Aha!
+
+_Saundersonius_ (_sharply_). Yes; and we have had too much of that
+"tortoise-creeping" business. Sharp's the word now, I hope. BALFOURIUS'S
+Battering-Ram--though the murderous ruffians--I mean excited
+politicians--_did_ denounce it, is better than all your tortoises!
+
+_Balfourius_ (_completing his quotation_). "Lances in ambush set."
+
+_Saundersonius._ Oh yes, they're all very well--in their way. A School
+of Strategy for our "young bloods," with secret _séances_,
+and--ahem!--_Fagin_-like rehearsals, is not a bad notion. But on the
+whole I agree with _Moloch_:--
+
+  "My sentence is for open war: of wiles,
+  More inexpert, I boast not: there let those
+  Contrive who need, or when they need, not now.
+  For while they sit contriving, shall the rest,
+  Millions that stand in arms, and longing wait
+  The signal to arise, sit lingering here,
+  Prisoners of his tyranny who reigns
+  By our delay? No, let us rather choose,
+  Arm'd with hell-flames and fury all at once,
+  O'er these high towers to force resistless way,
+  Turning Obstruction into horrid arms
+  Against the Obstructor; when to meet the noise
+  Of his 'iniquitous' engine, he shall hear
+  Ulsterian thunder; and for lightning set
+  Green fire and rockets shot with equal rage
+  Among his 'items;' and his seat itself
+  Shake with Tartarean tactics, 'dirty tricks,'
+  His own invented dodges."
+
+_Grandolphus_ (_tugging at Balfourius's tunic-tails_). Ha! ha! ha! Well
+quoted, my Orange-plumed Hyperborean hero! (_Aside: I must read up the
+bards a bit. Didn't know they were so practically pertinent. How handy
+that_ "_senesque_" _bit came in the other day!_)
+
+_Balfourius_ (_fidgeting_). I say, GRANDOLPHUS, if you'd tug at the rope,
+instead of my tails, I fancy you'd tire me less, and have more effect on
+the Ram.
+
+_Grandolphus_ (_cheerily_). Ah, my old friend, I assure you I intend to
+stick to _you_ "loyally and unhesitatingly."
+
+_Balfourius_ (_drily_). Oh--_thanks!!!_
+
+_Chamberlainus._ Never _were_ such a United lot as we are:
+
+    (_Sings sotto voce._)
+
+  _For I love dear_ B. _as a brother, I do,_
+      _And dear_ B. _he worships me;_
+  _But we'll both be blowed if we'll either be stowed_
+      _In the other chap's hold, you see!_
+
+_Balfourius._ What's that you say?
+
+_Chamberlainus._ Oh, merely humming "Birds in their little nests agree."
+
+_Balfourius._ Ah, as the Chief says, there'll be plenty of opportunity
+for personal sacrifice and pulling together before we're through with
+this siege. To work this Battering-Ram with effect, unanimity and
+simultaneity of effort are especially essential.
+
+_Saundersonius._ Quite so! So bear a hand--_at the rope_, GRANDOLPHUS,
+if you please. Now then, boys--_all together!!!_ BANG!!!!!!
+
+_Grand Old Voice_ (_from within_). "When they _do_ agree, their
+unanimity is wonderful." Wonder if that gate will stand the shock! Must
+disable that Rampant Ram of theirs--somehow.
+
+    [_Left keeping his eye on 'em._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    SUFFICIENTLY ANTIQUE.--Said TOMKINS, "I won't say my
+    ancestors were in this Country before the Flood, _but_
+    they came in with the High Tide."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Illustration: THE ASSAULT!!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Illustration: TRIALS OF A CONVALESCENT.
+
+    _Tompkins_ (_in a feeble voice, for the fourth or fifth
+    time, with no result_). "CHAIRMAN!!! CHAIRMAN!!!"
+
+    _That Awful Boy._ "LYDIES AND GENTLEMEN----!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A FYTTE OF THE BLUES.
+
+BY AN OLD "CROCK."
+
+    (_After reading the rattling verses of_ "Tis," _entitled
+    "Good Luck!" in the "Granta."_)
+
+  Good old _Granta_! They set the blood glowing,
+    Your verse-grinder's galloping lines,
+  There seems rare inspiration in Rowing!
+    The Muse, who politely declines
+  To patronise pessimist twitters,
+    Has smiled on these stanzas, which smack
+  Of health, honest zeal, foaming "bitters,"
+    And vigour of brain and of back.
+
+  Good luck to the Light Blues! That burden
+    Befits rattling rhymes from the Cam,
+  Their "movement" might rouse a Dame DURDEN,
+    Or fire a cold victim of cram.
+  Why it stirs up "old Crocks" to peruse 'em--
+    Slashing lines on "a slashing octette"--
+  They feel, though 'tis hard to "enthuse" 'em,
+    There _must_ be some life in 'em yet.
+
+  Old Crocks! Oh, exuberant younkers!
+    You "guy" "the old gang" as "played out,"
+  As fogies, and fussers, and funkers,
+    You've over-much reason, no doubt.
+  But, great Scott! as your rowing-rhymes rattle
+    And lilt lyric praise of the Crews,
+  We too sniff the air of the battle!
+    We too have a Fit of the Blues.
+
+  It's oh! just to "swing behind LEWIS,"
+    A "youngster as strong as an ox"!
+  Or be one who true Boss of the Crew is,--
+    Your "pet Palinurus"--the Cox!
+  To feel all the blood in one glowing,
+    And--heedless of love, toil, and "tin"--
+  Know naught in creation save--Rowing.
+    Deems nothing worth much save--a WIN!
+
+  Five minutes, my boys, of such feeling,
+    When rivals look beaten and blown,
+  When the nose of your ship is just stealing
+    Ahead, when your muscles have grown
+  To thews, that--_pro tem._--are Titanic,
+    Are worth a whole year of _our_ lives,
+  Whose waistbands are--well, Aldermanic,
+    Who've wrinkles, and worries, and wives!
+
+  Well, here's to the two tints of azure,
+    The Dark Blue as well as the Light!
+  At least there's one thing we can say sure,--
+    There'll be no blue funk in their fight.
+  And here's to the Bard of the _Granta_,
+    Who sings without "side," "sniff," or "shop."
+  May he live (if he wish it), to plant a
+    Big bay on Parnassus's top!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TIM O'HOWLIGAN'S LAMENT.
+
+    AIR--"_Arrah! darlints, we can't do without ye!"_
+
+  AH! shure boys, the world has gone crazy,
+    And there's plinty of throuble in shtore,
+  Ivery mornin' I wake up onaisy
+    Bekase I can't shleep any more.
+  'Twas CROMWELL, bad scran to 'im, done it,
+    Him that murdhered King CHARLES, ochone!
+  And since the black villin begun it
+    Ould Erin's done nothing but groan,
+                  And moan,
+    It would soften the heart of a shtone.
+
+  By the poker, I'm boilin' with passion
+    Whin I think of the laws that they make;
+  At a fair the bhoys heads ye can't smash in,
+    Nor get dacently dhrunk at a wake.
+  There's only twelve pince in a shillin',
+    And not more than two pints in a quart,
+  Onless you are cliver at fillin',
+    And can make it hould more than it ought.
+                  Don't be caught,
+    Or, be jabers, they'll make you pay for't.
+
+  Where's the kings and the princes of Erin
+    That lived on purtaties and point,
+  And niver saw year out and year in
+    The divil a taste of a joint?
+  Thim toirants now buy all our bacon,
+    And the linen, and butther, and that,
+  All that grows in the counthry is taken
+    From Antrim to Mullinavat.
+                  Poor Pat
+    Has to sell at a profut, that's flat.
+
+  Well, honies, I'll give ye a hint,
+    And let ivery one do it who can;
+  When the bag of thirteens is all spint,
+    Set up for a Parliament man.
+  Thim's the boys that gets lashins of drinkin',
+    And they dine wanst a week wid the Queen,
+  Where the glasses are niver done clinkin',
+    Wid the Royalties jokin' and spreein',
+                  Jubileein',
+    And such doins as niver was seen.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    A COMPLAINT AND SIMPLE REMEDY.--
+
+    Among the Requests in our ecclesiastical contemporary,
+    _The Guardian_, recently appeared one asking for an
+    effectual way of "_exterminating dry rot, and preventing
+    its re-appearance in a church_." Why doesn't the
+    reverend inquirer try somebody else's Sermons? Or have
+    no Sermons at all?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    NOTHING more delights our old friend than to get hold of
+    a real good word, and use it with effect. "I wish I knew
+    what is going to win the Derby this year," observed her
+    Niece. "Ah, my dear," replied her Aunt, "I might be able
+    to tell you if I were a Vaccinator."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    BEST DAY IN THE WEEK FOR MAKING A PROPOSAL OF
+    MARRIAGE.--In London, Monday is the most appropriate, as
+    being dedicated to the "Monday Pops."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Illustration: _Mr. Moriarty._ "LOOK HERE, ADA, HOW MUCH
+    LONGER, FOR GOODNESS' SAKE, ARE YE GOIN' TO BE DRESSIN'
+    YOURSELF?"
+
+    _Voice from the Heights._ "ONLY TEN MINUTES, DEAR!"
+
+    _Mr. Moriarty._ "WELL, ALL I CAN SAY IS, IF I'VE GOT TO
+    WAIT HERE TEN MINUTES, I'LL--I'LL BE OFF THIS BLESSED
+    MOMENT!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Illustration: "SCENES IN THE LOBBY."
+
+    DESIGN FOR OUR OWN HISTORICAL PAINTER.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, March 6._--"The SPEAKER took the Chair at
+three o'clock." That is an extract from the _Journals of the House_, a
+fascinating literary work, ably edited by Mr. PALGRAVE with the
+assistance of Mr. MILMAN, much in favour at MUDIE'S. Last time I saw
+SPEAKER rise from Chair was Banquet at Mansion House given by way of
+farewell to M. WADDINGTON. Very remarkable scene it was. In ordinary
+times SPEAKER of House of Commons is personally unknown to outside
+public. He takes no part in debate; never goes on Midlothian Campaigns;
+belongs to no faction; has no political following; and should have no
+enemy. British public, regarding with close attention the fascinating
+arena at Westminster, have evidently formed clear opinion of its present
+President. When list of guests whom LORD MAYOR delighted to honour read
+out by Toastmaster, name of SPEAKER received with enthusiastic and
+prolonged applause. House of Commons men present, of whom there was
+large muster, evidently taken by surprise. They know the SPEAKER,
+because they daily live with him. How outside public should have been
+seized with such keen appreciation of his worth was more than they were
+prepared for.
+
+This may have been, probably was, to some extent a _succès d'estime_.
+Mr. PEEL'S speech was genuine triumph; very brief, the shortest of the
+series, but incomparably the best; lofty in tone, perfect in delivery,
+saying just the right thing at the right moment in the right way. Its
+effect at Mansion House something like that which electrified House when
+Mr. PEEL, standing on steps of Chair, faced it for first time as its
+SPEAKER, revealing, even to those who had known him long, the full
+depths of his nature and the towering height of his capacity.
+
+"_Mon Dieu_, TOBEE," said an eminent Frenchman, "the world in both
+hemispheres has always envied you the possession of your House of
+Commons. Now we know you have a Speaker worthy of its best traditions."
+
+Banquet a great success; certainly the most brilliant galaxy of guests
+drawn together in same place since Mr. PHELPS, the American Minister,
+said farewell in memorable speech. Much struck with completeness of
+arrangements. Even the waiters imbued with consciousness of great
+occasion.
+
+"Hope you enjide your dinner, Sir?" said one to me, when dessert placed
+on table.
+
+"Excellent," I said; "perhaps the whitebait done a little too much;
+showed tendency to present itself in fragments; but 'twas nothing."
+
+"Yessir," said the Waiter, diligently brushing off imaginary crumbs.
+"I'm going now, Sir."
+
+"Ah," I said; "then I suppose you don't wait to hear the speeches; flow
+of reason, you know, quite a treat."
+
+"Yessir," said he, still pegging away at the spotless table-cloth. "Can
+I get you anything more, Sir?"
+
+"No, thank you," I said, quite touched at the man's considerate
+attention, the more marked since, as far as I recognised him, I had not
+seen him before. "I've done excellently."
+
+"Yessir. I'm going now." Hardly seemed able to part. Not sure whether,
+in circumstances of international amity, I shouldn't have shaken hands
+with him. Made half advance in that direction. He quickly advanced his
+hand, but after glance at my extended palm, as rapidly withdrew it.
+Perhaps he was right. Not usual to shake hands with Waiter, though
+really, on occasion like this, one might disregard conventionalities.
+Waiter lingeringly withdrew, still keeping his eye on me, as if
+expecting me to call him back. Nodded a friendly farewell, and pensively
+peeled an orange, thinking how one touch of nature makes us kin. This
+good Waiter and I quite subdued by the graceful, generous thought of
+Lord Mayor KNILL, who has added one more link to the chain that binds in
+amity two nations that have fought all the way from Cressy to Waterloo.
+
+_Business done._--Got into Committee on Navy Estimates. In the Lobby
+sort of rehearsal of new Battle of Boyne. The other night SAUNDERSON
+said something disrespectful of Irish Members. WILLIE REDMOND, from his
+proud position among nobility and gentry above Gangway, called out, "You
+wouldn't say that in the Lobby." "Say it anywhere," responded the
+Colonel, ever ready to oblige.
+
+Next day wrote letter to REDMOND, incidentally mentioning that if he
+wanted to hear the words over again, should meet him in Lobby to-night
+after questions. Nothing nearer REDMOND'S heart's desire. At five
+o'clock Colonel, accompanied by another military gentleman, carrying his
+cloak, a pair of pistols, a stiletto, a bottle of _eau de Cologne_, a
+sponge, and a clothes-brush, sternly strode into Lobby. Carefully
+counted paces till he was standing as nearly as possible on centre tile;
+folded arms, and wished that Night or REDMOND would come. Colonel
+WARING, with military accoutrements and cloak; stood a pace and a half
+to the left rear. Presently entered REDMOND, accompanied by J. J.
+O'KELLY, also carrying cloak. Secreted in folds were shillelagh, bottle
+of whiskey, pair of spurs, a toothpick, and a freshly-minted
+crown-piece. This last, at suitable moment, to be flung across Lobby;
+(friend secretly told off to be on alert to pick it up.) Action to be
+explained as typical of throwing King's Crown into the Boyne. The
+principals approaching, REDMOND, after manner of schoolboys, who edge up
+to each other, each hoping the other doesn't want to fight, asked
+Colonel to "say it again." "Certainly; but say what?" Here difficulty
+began, which spoiled whole business. REDMOND insisted upon being called
+a murderer. SAUNDERSON punctilious on minor points, wouldn't go quite so
+far in his desire to oblige. Angry altercation followed; Members, to
+number of something like hundred, formed ring. REDMOND, with right
+shoulder aggressively hoisted, spoke over it at the Colonel. Colonel
+stood erect, with hands loosely hanging by his side, ready for
+emergencies. Crowd grew thicker and more excited. "Expected every moment
+would be our next," as CLANCY breathlessly put it. But in the end storm
+blew itself out. Nothing happened, and crowd disappointedly dispersed.
+
+  Ulster will fight,
+  But----_not to-night._
+
+_Thursday._--Opposition mustered to-day in high spirits; meeting at
+Carlton yesterday addressed by MARKISS and Prince ARTHUR; GRANDOLPH,
+looking in, took back seat in his customary retiring fashion. Meeting
+insisted on his coming to the front; made spirited speech; scarcely a
+dry eye in the Club when, looking shyly across at Prince ARTHUR, he
+alluded to him as his "old political friend," his "brilliant and
+esteemed Parliamentary Leader."
+
+"I think," said the MARKISS, as meeting dispersed, "this will drive nail
+in coffin of Home-Rule Bill, and make things pretty hot for Mr. G. As
+HART DYKE epigrammatically puts it, 'We Unionists, above all others,
+should be united.'"
+
+This, as I mentioned, happened yesterday. This afternoon Opposition
+mustered in anticipation of aggressive action by Mr. G. Had given notice
+to move suspension of Twelve o'Clock Rule, in order to make progress
+with Estimates.
+
+"Not if we know it," said Right Hon. JAMES LOWTHER, commonly called
+"JEMMIE."
+
+Mr. G., previous to moving Resolution, explained there was no intention
+of sitting late; Suspension Standing Order was matter of precaution
+designed to prevent arbitrary carrying over of Amendments when
+adequately discussed. Prince ARTHUR'S keen eye discerned that this might
+be so construed as to convey no advantage to Government. When twelve
+o'clock came Debate might be diverged on to lines of wrangle round
+Question of Adjournment, and so House up and nothing done. On this
+understanding he declared he would not resist Motion of Leader of House.
+Then JEMMIE, rushing to the front, made the running. Did Mr. G. intend,
+in any case, to take Second Reading of Home-Rule Bill on Thursday next?
+Mr. G. nodded assent. "Very well, then I'll divide against you," JEMMIE
+roared across the pained figure of his esteemed Leader. Not to be moved
+by blandishment or argument from this position. Prince ARTHUR, seeing
+matters hopeless, haughtily strode forth, GRANDOLPH loyally accompanying
+him. But more than half his old colleagues stayed behind with JEMMIE
+LOWTHER who got Opposition soundly beaten by majority of 85.
+
+"There's only one thing we want to run our majority over 100," said
+SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, smiling beneficently from Treasury Bench. "Another
+meeting of the Party at the Carlton Club will do it."
+
+"What did you mean by to-night's performance?" I asked JEMMIE, later.
+
+"Mean? I meant business. I'm a little tired of lurking in background
+seeing men come to front who haven't half my ability, political acumen,
+or Parliamentary knowledge. I intend to have a Party of my own. There
+has been a Fourth Party, and before that there was a Tea-room Party, and
+a Cave of Adullam. I shall eclipse them all."
+
+"And under what name do you think history will know your faction?" I
+asked, much interested.
+
+The Right Hon. took up a piece of paper, and on it wrote the words,
+"LOWTHER'S ARCADE."
+
+_Business done._--WOLMER'S Amendment on the Navy Estimates negatived.
+
+_Friday._--Prince ARTHUR, and Statesman to whom AUSTEN CHAMBERLAIN
+distantly alludes as "My Right Hon. friend," sit separated by width of
+House. But, in assaults on Government, they are not divided. Idle
+stories about differences of opinion arising between them quite
+unnecessarily denied.
+
+"I never look at them," said TREVELYAN, "without recalling to mind a
+passage in what is, I think, my favourite among DICKENS'S novels. You
+remember the scene in _Great Expectations_, where _Joe Gargery_ visits
+_Pip_, in his day of prosperity, in London? 'Ever best of friends,' says
+JOE (CHAMBERLAIN). 'Dear JOE,' says Prince ARTHUR. 'You know, PIP,' says
+JOE, 'as you and me were ever friends, and it were looked forrerd to
+betwixt us as bein' calc'lated to lead to larks.'"
+
+The expectation not lacking of past fulfilment; full of promise in days
+near at hand.
+
+_Business done._--Sat from two to seven discussing whether we shall sit
+to-morrow in order to make progress with public business. Finally
+decided we shall. Meanwhile, morning sitting slipped away.
+
+    [Illustration: "GREAT EXPECTATIONS."
+
+    ["As persistent attempts are being made to show that Mr.
+    BALFOUR and Mr. CHAMBERLAIN are at variance respecting
+    the tactics which should be adopted by the Unionist
+    Party in Opposition, we may state that more thorough
+    accord never existed than at the present moment."--_The
+    Times, March 8, 1893._]
+
+    _Gargery Chamberlain._ "You know, PIP, as you and me
+    were ever the best of Friends!"
+
+    _Balfour Pip._ "Dear JO!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VINO ITALIANO CON TEMPERANZA.--Signor VITALI, of the
+Italian-Wine-in-England Mission, writes to us to say that Sir WILFRID
+LAWSON might temper his favourite beverage of _Aqua Pura_ with half a
+gallon flask of _Vinum Purum Italianum_, such as Chianti, and he would
+be none the worse for it. We are inclined to agree with the Signor
+VITALI, as, in our opinion, there is small likelihood of any Italian
+wine-drinker "getting any forrader." Of course Signor VITALI, being
+somewhat interested in the matter, and therefore, most hopeful that his
+enterprise will result in orders for any number of flasks, and not end
+in an empty _fiasco_, would not fail to point out that Italian wine is
+likely to have a prolonged existence in this country, as it is not
+lacking in Vitali-ty.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TONE AND TINT.--(By a Wearer of the Green.)
+
+  YOUR Orangeman swears--he's a terrible fellow!--
+  They shan't set the Green o'er his favourite Yellow.
+  His shout's "No surrender!" And is he so Green
+  As to think we'll turn Yellow because of his spleen?
+  No, no! He may vow in his last ditch he'll die,
+  But--we're not to be scared by a _Hue_ and a _Cry_!
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+104, March 18, 1893, by Various
+
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+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 104,
+March 18, 1893, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 104, March 18, 1893
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Francis Burnand
+
+Release Date: September 17, 2007 [EBook #22645]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by V. L. Simpson, Juliet Sutherland and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<div class='masthead'>
+<h1>PUNCH,<br />OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI</h1>
+
+<p>VOL. 104.</p>
+
+<hr class='half' />
+
+<p>March 18, 1893.</p>
+
+<hr />
+</div>
+
+<p class='pagenum'><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></p>
+
+<div class='center' style='width:500px;'>
+
+<a href='images/i-121.png'><img src='images/i-121th.png' alt='Two dapper
+Victorian gentleman in discussion.' title='Click for larger image.'
+width='437' height='489' /></a>
+
+<h3>"WELL MATCHED."</h3>
+
+<p><i>Medico</i> (<i>pathetically, with a view to touching the Dealer's
+heart</i>). <span class='smcap'>"Now, Mr. Bobbs, what <i>do</i> you
+think I could get a thoroughly good useful Pair of Horses
+for, eh? Price not stiff."</span></p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Bobbs.</i> <span class='smcap'>"Lor' bless you, Sir, to find Horses&mdash;nothin'
+easier. but, as regards <i>Price</i>&mdash;well&mdash;you can have 'em
+at all Prices, just as you can Doctors!"</span></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr class='half' />
+
+<h2>MIXED NOTIONS.</h2>
+
+<p class='center larger'>No. VII.&mdash;PARLIAMENTARY PROCEDURE.</p>
+
+<p class='center'>(<i>Scene and Persons as usual.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><i>Inquirer</i> (<i>to First Well-Informed Man</i>). I say, have you ever been in
+the House of Commons?</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> (<i>shortly</i>). No, you know I haven't.</p>
+
+<p><i>Inquirer.</i> Oh, I don't mean as a Member. Of course I know you wouldn't
+stand the rot of all these Constituents, or whatever they call
+themselves. But have you ever been there as a visitor while a debate's
+going on?</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> Yes, once&mdash;some years ago. But why do you ask?</p>
+
+<p><i>Inquirer</i> (<i>producing an order of admission</i>). Well, you see, I got old
+<span class='smcap'>Jenkins</span> to give me a ticket for to-night, and I'm hanged if I know how
+I'm to get there, or when I'm to go, or anything about it. I thought you
+might be able to tell me how it's done.</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> Let's have a look at your ticket.</p>
+
+<p class='ralign'>[<i>Both the</i> Well-Informed Men <i>inspect it with
+an air of critical sagacity.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> (<i>after a prolonged pause</i>). I don't see where your
+difficulty is. You just present this at the door.</p>
+
+<p><i>Inquirer.</i> Ah, I daresay!&mdash;but what door? That's what I want to know.
+The place looks as if it had about fifty thousand doors, you know. And
+then I believe, if you make any mistakes, they march you off, in
+two-twos, as a dynamiter, or a Socialist, or an agitator, or something.
+You know old <span class='smcap'>Bonker</span>. Well, he went there once with a black bag, in which
+he'd got some sandwiches and cake, and, just because he wouldn't open
+it, they made no end of a row, and shoved him in the Clock-tower, or
+something, until he apologised. I don't want any of those games, you
+know.</p>
+
+<p><i>Average Man.</i> Don't take a black bag then. They won't want to search
+your pockets.</p>
+
+<p><i>Inquirer</i> (<i>relieved</i>). Won't they? That's one comfort, at any rate. Do
+you think I ought to go in at the big entrance?</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> Of course you ought. The others are only for Members.</p>
+
+<p><i>Inquirer.</i> Ah! And I suppose I ought to get there pretty early now that
+they've changed their hours. (<i>With determination.</i>) I'll go about
+half-past eleven.</p>
+
+<p class='ralign'>[<i>A pause. They read papers.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Inquirer</i> (<i>suddenly, with intense alarm</i>). Oh, I say, look here, you
+chaps. Here's old <span class='smcap'>Gladstone</span> gone and suspended the Twelve o'Clock Rule.
+What does that mean?</p>
+
+<p><i>Second W. I. M.</i> It means that they start everything at twelve o'clock
+in the day.</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> No, it doesn't. It means that they don't start anything
+till twelve o'clock at night.</p>
+
+<p><i>Second W. I. M.</i> (<i>pityingly</i>). My dear fellow, where have you been all
+these years? They <i>always</i> go home on the stroke of midnight now.</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> That's just where you're wrong. Midnight to two in the
+morning is just jolly well their best time now.</p>
+
+<p><i>Second W. I. M.</i> I'll bet you half a thick 'un you're wrong!</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> And I'll bet you half a thick 'un I'm right!</p>
+
+<p class='ralign'>[<i>The argument continues for some minutes in this
+strain.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Inquirer.</i> I wonder if they'll have any obstruction. I should like to
+see some of that. I believe it's no end amusing.</p>
+
+<p><i>Second W. I. M.</i> Oh, you may trust this Opposition for that. Their only
+notion for employing time is to obstruct everything and everybody.</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> (<i>with a deadly calmness</i>). Ah! you call it
+obstruction, of course, because you want to rush your iniquitous Bills
+through the House. But you don't think we're going to stand that, do
+you?&mdash;because we're not, and the Country's with us. Just look at
+Grimsby.</p>
+
+<p><i>Second W. I. M.</i> All right! Suppose you look at Cirencester.</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> What do you say to Stockport then?</p>
+
+<p><i>Second W. I. M.</i> And what do <i>you</i> say to Walsham and Hexall, and all
+the rest of them? (<i>At the suggestion of the</i> Average Man, <i>they abandon
+this fiery debate. A pause.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><i>Inquirer.</i> Who's Speaker now?</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> Sir <span class='smcap'>Robert Peel</span>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Inquirer.</i> Will he be there to-night?</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> Of course he will. He's got to be there.</p>
+
+<p><i>Inquirer.</i> But then what does the Chairman of Committee do?</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> Oh, ah,&mdash;um, let me see; the Chairman of Committee
+does&mdash;&mdash; (<i>Brightly.</i>) He's only appointed, you know, when they want a
+Committee about something.</p>
+
+<p><i>Second W. I. M.</i> I fancy he has to read the Bills.</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> (<i>gathering assurance as he proceeds</i>). Not when
+they're read a first time. Somebody else does that&mdash;I forget what they
+call him. The Chairman reads 'em a second time, and takes 'em up to the
+House of Lords.</p>
+
+<p><i>Inquirer.</i> So he does, of course. I ought to have remembered that. But
+I'd got a sort of notion they didn't really read the Bills at all&mdash;just
+chucked 'em into a bag, and called it a Second Reading.</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> (<i>condescendingly</i>). That's how they used to do it
+about ten years ago; but they had to alter the whole thing after they
+got <span class='smcap'>Bradlaugh</span> into the House.</p>
+
+<p><i>Inquirer.</i> Why was that?</p>
+
+<p><i>First W. I. M.</i> Well, he wouldn't take an oath, you know; so, after
+that, they altered everything.</p>
+
+<p><i>Inquirer</i> (<i>with admiration</i>). By Jove, what a chap you are for
+recollecting things!</p>
+
+<p class='ralign'>[<i>Terminus.</i></p>
+
+<hr class='half' />
+
+<h2>QUEER QUERIES.</h2>
+
+<p><span class='smcap'>A New Poll-Tax.</span>&mdash;Would somebody inform me of the easiest way of getting
+into Parliament? I see that Members are soon going to be paid, and that
+would be very useful to me, as my present yearly expenses are &pound;1,500,
+and my income barely &pound;150. Had I better try as a "Labour Candidate"? I
+feel that I may claim the title, on account of the labour&mdash;twelve hours
+at least <i>per diem</i>&mdash;which I have to expend on getting out of the way of
+my creditors. I presume that, before long, there will be Parliaments all
+over the place, for England, Wales, and Scotland, as well as for
+Ireland, and I want to get into <em>all</em>! At least, I want to get into all
+where the excellent system of payment of Members is adopted, with
+salaries "On the higher scale," as they say in the Courts. It is curious
+that, when I explain to my creditors this most promising source of
+prospective income, they don't seem to see it! But creditors always were
+a purblind race.&mdash;<span class='smcap'>Would-Be Legislator.</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p class='pagenum'><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></p>
+
+<h2 class='sans'>THE "WITLER" AND THE "WASSER-MAIDEN."</h2>
+
+<p class='center'><i>A Ballad of Bungdom.</i> (<i>After Hans Breitmann's Ballad of the Mermaid.</i>)</p>
+
+<div class='center' style='width:473px;'>
+<a href='images/i-122.png'><img src='images/i-122th.png'
+alt='Caricatured German straddling a beer barrel hobby horse and a
+mermaid.' title='Click for larger image.' width='473' height='550' /></a>
+</div>
+
+<div class='poem center' style='width:20em;'>
+
+<div class='stanza'>
+<span class='smcap'>Der</span> noble Witler* <span class='smcap'>Bungo</span><br />
+<span class='in1em'>Von Schvillenschviggenop,</span><br />
+Rode out mit shpeer und helmet,<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Und he coom to de panks of de Schlopp,</span>
+</div>
+
+<p class='smaller in4em'>* Licensed Victualler.</p>
+
+<div class='stanza'>
+Und oop dere rose a Meer-maid<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Vot hadn't got nodings on.</span><br />
+Und she say, "Oh, Witler <span class='smcap'>Bungo</span>,<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Vhere you goes mit yourself alone?"</span>
+</div>
+
+<div class='stanza'>
+Und he says, "I rides mine high-horse,<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Mit helmet und mit shpeer,</span><br />
+Till I gooms unto mine Gasthaus,&#8224;<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Vhere I sells goot wine und peer."</span>
+</div>
+
+<p class='smaller in4em'>&#8224; Tavern, or Wine Shop.</p>
+
+<div class='stanza'>
+Und den outspoke de Maiden<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Vot hadn't got nodings on:</span><br />
+"I ton't dink mooch of beoplesh<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Dat cares for demselfs alone.</span>
+</div>
+
+<div class='stanza'>
+You'd petter coom down to de Wasser,&mdash;<br />
+<span class='in1em'>'Tis de pest trink ash you'll see,&mdash;</span><br />
+Und haf a wholesome tinner<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Mit Schlopp-Vash, along mit me."</span>
+</div>
+
+<div class='stanza'>
+"Dere you sees de fisch a-schwimmin!<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Und dere healthy efery one."</span><br />
+So sang dis Wasser-Maiden,<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Vot hadn't got nodings on.</span>
+</div>
+
+<div class='stanza'>
+"Your shtrong tipplesh cost mooch money,<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Dere ish death in de trinks you've sold;</span><br />
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span>
+Und you helps yourself, by doonder,<br />
+<span class='in1em'>To de Vorkmansh hard-earned gold.</span>
+</div>
+
+<div class='stanza'>
+"Shoost look at doze sodden wretches,<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Vhite schlafes of de Witler Rings!</span><br />
+From dere 'trunks' you vill your pockets,<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Und you rob dem like efery dings.</span>
+</div>
+
+<div class='stanza'>
+"Vot <em>dey</em> vantsh mit your schnaps* und lager,<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Vitrioled gin and doctored wine?</span><br />
+Smash your pottles, and preak your parrels,<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Und try dese Schlopps of mine!"</span>
+</div>
+
+<p class='smaller in4em'>* Drams, drinks.</p>
+
+<hr class='short' />
+
+<div class='stanza'>
+Vill <em>dat</em> fetch him! He standsh as shpellbound!<br />
+<span class='in1em'>She vould pool his coat-tails down.</span><br />
+She von't draw <i>him</i> oonder der Wasser&mdash;<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Dat Maiden mit nodings on!</span>
+</div>
+</div>
+
+<hr class='half' />
+
+<div class='i-flright' style='width:365px;
+padding:0 0 0 .25em;'>
+
+<a href='images/i-123.png'><img src='images/i-123th.png' alt='Maid and
+Mistress discussing work.' title='Click for larger image.' width='365'
+height='500' /></a>
+
+<h3>"WHERE A FOOTMAN IS KEPT."</h3>
+
+<p class='smcap'>"But why do you want to Leave, Sarah? It's not a Hard
+Place, and John does most of your Work?"</p>
+
+<p class='smcap'>"Yes, Ma'am! But&mdash;a&mdash;John has no
+Conversation?"</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class='block'>
+<h2>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2>
+
+<p><span class='smcap'>Thank</span> you, Mrs. <span class='smcap'>Hungerford</span> (says the Baron, bowing his very best to the
+talented authoress), for one of the cheeriest, freshest, and
+sweetest&mdash;if I may be allowed to use the epithet&mdash;of one-volume'd
+stories I've read for many a day. The three daughters are delightful. I
+question whether you couldn't have done better with "two only, as are
+generally necessary;" but perhaps this is ungrateful on my part. Anyway,
+two out of the three lovers are scarcely worth mentioning, so I don't
+think I am far wrong, for the team was a bit unmanageable, well as you
+had them in hand. Excellent, too, is the sketch of <i>Dad</i>, though that of
+<i>Aunt Jane</i> is a trifle too grotesque, and will, perforce, remind those
+of your readers, who are theatre-goers, of Mr. <span class='smcap'>Penley</span> in petticoats, now
+actually playing "<i>Charley's</i>" irresistibly comic <i>Aunt</i> at the Globe
+Theatre. But it is all good, and not too good to be true. Likewise, my
+dear Madame, you have given us two life-like sketches, one of a
+car-driver with his vicious mare, and the other of <i>Molly's</i> little dog.
+In conclusion, I congratulate you, Mrs. <span class='smcap'>Hungerford</span>, as also the
+publisher, Mr. <span class='smcap'>Heinemann</span>, on having secured so good a specimen of the
+material for sale in this Hungerford market, says</p>
+
+<p class='smcap ralign'>The Baron de B.-W.</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr class='half' style='clear:both;' />
+
+<h2>HOME, CHEAP HOME!</h2>
+
+<div class='poem center' style='width:18em;'>
+<div class='stanza'>
+"<span class='smcap'>Thine</span> be a cot beside a hill,"<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Hums Mrs. <span class='smcap'>Haweis</span> in our ear;</span><br />
+"Such cots are in the market still,<br />
+<span class='in1em'>At only thirty pounds a year.</span>
+</div>
+
+<div class='stanza'>
+"Then, as for furnishing the fold,<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Another fifty pounds will do it;</span><br />
+But mind you stick to what is old,<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Nor carry modern rubbish to it!</span>
+</div>
+
+<div class='stanza'>
+"Your chairs must all be Chippendale,<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Your tables of the native oak,</span><br />
+Your sofas"&mdash;but of what avail!<br />
+<span class='in1em'>To further urge this little joke?</span>
+</div>
+
+<div class='stanza'>
+For in this cot the chairs may be<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Much chipped, but hardly Chippendale,</span><br />
+Unless the lady will agree<br />
+<span class='in1em'>To costs "upon the <em>hire</em> scale."</span>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class='half' />
+
+<blockquote><p>Said a prim Bachelor, in a nasty temper, after a struggle
+with an ultra-stiffened clean shirt, "I should like to indict my
+laundress at the Old Bailey, charge her with murdering my linen, and, as
+evidence, I'd produce the mangled remains in Court."</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr class='short' />
+
+<blockquote><p><span class='smcap'>Mrs.</span> R. has been studying architecture, She says that
+"all Schoolmasters' Houses ought to be built in the Early Perpendicular
+Tutor style."</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr class='half' />
+
+<h2>LIQUID AIR.</h2>
+
+<div class='poem center' style='width:25em;'>
+<div class='stanza'>
+<span class='smcap'>A learned</span> Professor, the other day,<br />
+<span class='in1em'>At the Royal Institution,</span><br />
+Explained, in a quite scientific way,<br />
+<span class='in1em'>How, helped by a contribution</span><br />
+<span class='in2em'>From the Goldsmiths' Company, he'd prepare</span><br />
+<span class='in2em'>Some liquid oxygen&mdash;you're aware</span><br />
+<span class='in2em'>This is what plain English folks call "air"</span><br />
+<span class='in1em'>Unspoilt by smoky pollution.</span><br />
+</div>
+
+<div class='stanza'>
+No doubt he meant well, and the Goldsmiths too,<br />
+<span class='in1em'>In their noble work together;</span><br />
+But was it the very best thing to do,<br />
+<span class='in1em'>In that showery, soaking weather;</span><br />
+<span class='in2em'>When drizzle, or downpour, of dogs and cats,</span><br />
+<span class='in2em'>From the "liquid air" made us all drowned rats,</span><br />
+<span class='in2em'>And ruined our clothes and our best top-hats,</span><br />
+<span class='in1em'>And spoilt boots of the stoutest leather?</span><br />
+</div>
+
+<div class='stanza'>
+Professors and Companies, if you would<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Invent some sort of appliance</span><br />
+To dry "liquid air," on which we could<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Repose implicit reliance,</span><br />
+<span class='in2em'>Arranged to diminish this H<sub>2</sub>O,</span><br />
+<span class='in2em'>Which, as every schoolboy ought to know,</span><br />
+<span class='in2em'>The Germans call <i>wasser</i>, the French call <i>eau</i>,</span><br />
+<span class='in1em'>We should bless your chemical science.</span><br />
+</div>
+</div>
+
+<hr class='half' />
+
+<h3>CON. FOR CAPITALISTS.</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p><i>Q.</i> Why is it clear the Sparrow is an advocate of
+Free Competition?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> Because his everlasting cry is, "Cheep-Cheep!"</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr class='short' />
+
+<blockquote><p><span class='smcap'>"The Gothenburg
+System."</span>&mdash;Mrs. R. warmly espouses the cause of Temperance.
+She is very strong on what she has heard is called "The Gotobed System,"
+in Sweden.</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg
+124]</a></span></p>
+
+<h2>PILL-DOCTOR HERDAL.</h2>
+
+<p class='center'>(<i>Translated from the Original Norwegian by Mr. Punch.</i>)</p>
+
+<p class='center'>SECOND ACT.</p>
+
+<p><span class='smcap'>Dr. Herdal's</span> <i>Drawing-room and Dispensary, as before. It is early in the
+day.</i> Dr. <span class='smcap'>Herdal</span> <i>sits by the little table, taking his own temperature
+with a clinical thermometer. By the door stands the</i> New Book-keeper;
+<i>he wears blue spectacles and a discoloured white tie, and seems
+slightly nervous.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Dr. Herd.</i> Well, now you understand what is necessary. My late
+book-keeper, Miss <span class='smcap'>Blakdraf</span>, used to keep my
+accounts very cleverly&mdash;she charged every visit twice over.</p>
+
+<p><i>The New B.</i> I am familiar with book-keeping by double entry. I
+was once employed at a Bank.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dr. Herd.</i> I am discharging my assistant, too; he was always trying to
+push me out with his pills. Perhaps you will be able to dispense?</p>
+
+<p><i>The New B.</i> (<i>modestly</i>). With an additional salary, I
+should be able to do that too.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dr. Herd.</i> Capital! You <i>shall</i> dispense with an
+additional salary. Go into the Dispensary, and see what you can make of
+it. You may mistake a few drugs at first&mdash;but everything must have
+a beginning.</p>
+
+<p class='outdent'>
+[<i>As the</i> New B. <i>retires,</i>
+Mrs. <span class='smcap'>Herdal</span> <i>enters in a hat</i>
+<i>and cloak with a watering-pot, noiselessly.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Herd.</i> Miss <span class='smcap'>Wangel</span> got up
+early, before breakfast, and went for a walk. She is so wonderfully
+vivacious!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dr. Herd.</i> So I should say. But tell
+me, <span class='smcap'>Aline</span>, is she <em>really</em> going to stay
+with us here?<span class='spacer5em'>&#8195;</span>[<i>Nervously.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Herd.</i> (<i>looks at him</i>). So she tells me. And, as she
+has brought nothing with her except a tooth-brush and a powder-puff, I
+am going into the town to get her a few articles. We <em>must</em> make
+her feel at home.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dr. Herd.</i> (<i>breaking out</i>). I <em>will</em> make her not
+only <em>feel</em>, but <em>be</em> at home, wherever that is, this very
+day! I will <em>not</em> have a perambulating Allegory without a
+portmanteau here on an indefinite visit. I say, she shall go&mdash;do
+you hear, <span class='smcap'>Aline</span>?
+Miss <span class='smcap'>Wangel</span> will go!<span class='spacer5em'>&#8195;</span>[<i>Raps with his fist on table.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Herd.</i> (<i>quietly</i>). If you say
+so, <span class='smcap'>Haustus</span>, no doubt she will
+<em>have</em> to go. But you must tell her so yourself.</p>
+
+<p class='outdent'>[<i>Puts the watering-pot on the console table, and goes</i>
+<i>out, as</i> <span class='smcap'>Hilda</span> <i>enters, sparkling
+with pleasure.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Hilda</i> (<i>goes up straight to him</i>). Good morning,
+Dr. <span class='smcap'>Herdal</span>. I have just seen a pig killed. It
+was <em>ripping</em>&mdash;I mean, gloriously thrilling! And your wife has
+taken a tremendous fancy to me. Fancy <em>that</em>!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dr. Herd.</i> (<i>gloomily</i>). It <em>is</em> eccentric certainly.
+But my poor dear wife was always a little&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Hilda</i> (<i>nods her head slowly several times</i>).
+So <em>you</em> have noticed that too? I have had a long talk with her.
+She can't get over your discharging
+Mr. <span class='smcap'>Kalomel</span>&mdash;he is the only man who
+ever <em>really</em> understood her.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dr. Herd.</i> If I could only pay her off a little bit of the
+huge, immeasurable debt I owe her&mdash;but I can't!</p>
+
+<p><i>Hilda</i> (<i>looks hard at him</i>). Can't <em>I</em> help you? I
+helped <span class='smcap'>Ragnar Brovik</span>. Didn't you know I
+stayed with him and poor
+little <span class='smcap'>Kaia</span>&mdash;after that accident to my
+Master Builder? I did. I made <span class='smcap'>Ragnar</span> build me
+the loveliest castle in the air&mdash;lovelier, even, than poor Mr.
+<span class='smcap'>Solness's</span> would have been&mdash;and we stood
+together on the very top. The steps were rather too much
+for <span class='smcap'>Kaia</span>. Besides, there was no room for her
+on top. And he put towering spires on all his semi-detached villas.
+Only, somehow, they didn't let. Then the castle in the air tumbled down,
+and <span class='smcap'>Ragnar</span> went into liquidation, and I
+continued my walking-tour.</p>
+
+<div class='i-flleft' style='width:479px'>
+<a href='images/i-124.png'><img src='images/i-124th.png' alt='Hilda
+gesturing wildly at Herdal.' title='Click for larger image.' width='479'
+height='550' /></a>
+
+<p>"Beautiful rainbow-coloured powders that will give one a real grip on
+the world!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Dr. Herd.</i> (<i>interested against his will</i>). And where did
+you go after <i>that</i>, may I ask,
+Miss <span class='smcap'>Wangel</span>?</p>
+
+<p><i>Hilda.</i> Oh, ever so far North. There I met Mr. and
+Mrs. <span class='smcap'>Tesman</span>&mdash;the second
+Mrs. <span class='smcap'>Tesman</span>&mdash;she who was
+Mrs. <span class='smcap'>Elvsted</span>, with the irritating hair, you
+know. They were on their honeymoon, and had just decided that it was
+impossible to reconstruct poor
+Mr. <span class='smcap'>L&ouml;vborg's</span> great book out of Mrs.
+<span class='smcap'>Elvsted's</span> rough notes. But I insisted
+on <span class='smcap'>George's</span> attempting the
+impossible&mdash;with Me. And what <i>do</i> you think
+Mrs. <span class='smcap'>Tesman</span> wears in her hair <i>now</i>?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dr. Herd.</i> Why, really I could not say. Vine-leaves, perhaps.</p>
+
+<p><i>Hilda.</i> Wrong&mdash;<em>straws!</em>
+Poor <span class='smcap'>Tesman</span> <em>didn't</em> fancy that&mdash;so
+he shot himself, <em>un</em>-beautifully, through his ticket-pocket. And I
+went on and took Rosmersholm for the Summer. There had been misfortune
+in the house, so it was to let. Dear good old
+Rector <span class='smcap'>Kroll</span> acted as my reference; his wife
+and children had no sympathy with his views, so I used to see him every
+day. And I persuaded him, too, to attempt the impossible&mdash;he had
+never ridden anything but a rocking-horse in his life, but I made him
+promise to mount the White Horse of the Rosmersholms. He didn't get over
+<em>that</em>. They found his body, a fortnight afterwards, in the
+mill-dam. Thrilling!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dr. Herd.</i> (<i>shakes his finger at her</i>). What a girl you
+are, Miss <span class='smcap'>Wangel</span>! But you mustn't play these
+games <em>here</em>, you know.</p>
+
+<p><i>Hilda</i> (<i>laughs to herself</i>). Of course not. But I suppose
+I <em>am</em> a strange sort of bird.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dr. Herd.</i> You are like a strong tonic. When I look at you I
+seem to be regarding an effervescing saline draught. Still, I really
+must decline to take you.</p>
+
+<p><i>Hilda</i> (<i>a little sulky</i>). That is not how you spoke ten
+years ago, up at the mountain station, when you were such a flirt!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dr. Herd.</i> <em>Was</em> I a flirt? Deuce take me if I remember.
+But I am not like that <em>now</em>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Hilda.</i> Then you have really forgotten how you sat next to me
+at the <i>table d'h&ocirc;te</i>, and made pills and swallowed them, and
+were so splendid and buoyant and free that all the old women who knitted
+left next day?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dr. Herd.</i> What a memory you have for trifles,
+Miss <span class='smcap'>Wangel</span>, it's quite wonderful!</p>
+
+<p><i>Hilda.</i> Trifles! There was no trifling on <em>your</em> part.
+When you promised to come back in ten years, like a troll, and fetch
+me!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dr. Herd.</i> Did I say all that? It <em>must</em> have
+been <em>after</em> <i>table d'h&ocirc;te</i>!</p>
+
+<p><i>Hilda.</i> It was. I was a mere chit then&mdash;only twenty-three;
+but I remember. And now <em>I</em> have come for <em>you</em>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dr. Herd.</i> Dear, dear! But there is nothing of the troll about
+me now I have married Mrs. <span class='smcap'>Solness</span>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Hilda</i> (<i>looking sharply at him</i>). Yes, I remember you
+were always dropping in to tea in those days.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dr. Herd.</i> (<i>seems hurt</i>). Every visit was duly put down
+in the ledger and charged for&mdash;as poor
+little <span class='smcap'>Senna</span> will tell you.</p>
+
+<p><i>Hilda.</i> Little <span class='smcap'>Senna</span>? Oh,
+Dr. <span class='smcap'>Herdal</span>, I believe there is a bit of the
+troll left in you still!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dr. Herd.</i> (<i>laughs a little</i>). No, no; my conscience is
+perfectly robust&mdash;always was.</p>
+
+<p><i>Hilda.</i> Are you quite <em>quite</em> sure that, when you went
+indoors with dear Mrs. <span class='smcap'>Solness</span> that
+afternoon, and left me alone with my Master Builder, you did not
+foresee&mdash;perhaps wish&mdash;intend, even a little,
+that&mdash;&mdash;H'm?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dr. Herd.</i> That you would talk the poor man into clambering up
+that tower? You want to drag <em>Me</em> into that business now!</p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg
+125]</a></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Hilda</i> (<i>teasingly</i>). Yes, I certainly think that then you
+went on exactly like a troll.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dr. Herd.</i> (<i>with uncontrollable emotion</i>).
+<span class='smcap'>Hilda</span>, there is not a corner of me safe from
+you! Yes, I see now that <em>must</em> have been the way of it. Then
+I <em>was</em> a troll in that, too! But isn't it terrible the price I
+have had to pay for it? To have a wife who&mdash;&mdash;. No, I shall
+never roll a pill again&mdash;never, never!</p>
+
+<p><i>Hilda</i> (<i>lays her head on the stove, and answers as if half
+asleep</i>). No more pills? Poor
+Doctor <span class='smcap'>Herdal</span>!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dr. Herd.</i> (<i>bitterly</i>). No&mdash;nothing but cosy
+commonplace grey powders for a whole troop of children.</p>
+
+<p><i>Hilda</i> (<i>lively again</i>). Not <em>grey</em> powders!
+(<i>Quite seriously.</i>) I will tell you what you shall make next.
+Beautiful rainbow-coloured powders that will give one a real grip on the
+world. Powders to make everyone free and buoyant, and ready to grasp at
+one's own happiness, to <em>dare</em> what one <em>would</em>. I will have
+you make them. I will&mdash;I <em>will!</em></p>
+
+<p><i>Dr. Herd.</i> H'm! I am not quite sure that I clearly understand.
+And then the ingredients&mdash;?</p>
+
+<p><i>Hilda.</i> What stupid people all of you pill-doctors are, to be
+sure! Why, they will be <em>poisons</em>, of course!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dr. Herd.</i> Poisons? Why in the world should they
+be <em>that</em>?</p>
+
+<p><i>Hilda</i> (<i>without answering him</i>). All the thrillingest,
+deadliest poisons&mdash;it is only such things that are wholesome,
+nowadays.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dr. Herd.</i> (<i>as if caught by her enthusiasm</i>). And I could
+colour them, too, by exposing them to rays cast through a prism. Oh,
+<span class='smcap'>Hilda</span>, how I have needed you all these years!
+For, you see, with <em>her</em> it was impossible to discuss such
+things.<span class='spacer5em'>&#8195;</span>[<i>Embraces her.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Herd.</i> (<i>enters noiselessly through hall-door</i>). I suppose,
+<span class='smcap'>Haustus</span>, you are persuading
+Miss <span class='smcap'>Wangel</span> to start by the afternoon
+steamer? I have bought her a pair of curling-tongs, and a packet of
+hair-pins. The larger parcels are coming on presently.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dr. Herd.</i>
+(<i>uneasily</i>). H'm! <span
+class='smcap'>Hilda</span>&mdash;Miss <span class='smcap'>Wangel</span>
+I <em>should</em> say&mdash;is kindly going to stay on a little longer,
+to assist me in some scientific experiments. You wouldn't understand
+them if I told you.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Herd.</i> Shouldn't I, <span class='smcap'>Haustus</span>? I
+daresay not.</p>
+
+<p class='ralign'>[<i>The</i> New Book-keeper <i>looks through the glass-door of</i>
+<i>Dispensary.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Hilda</i> (<i>starts violently and points&mdash;then in a
+whisper</i>). Who is <em>that</em>?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dr. Herd.</i> Only the New Book-keeper and Assistant&mdash;a very
+intelligent person.</p>
+
+<p><i>Hilda</i> (<i>looks straight in front of her with a far-away
+expression, and whispers to herself</i>). I thought at first it was....
+But no&mdash;<em>that</em> would be <em>too</em> frightfully thrilling!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dr. Herd.</i> (<i>to himself</i>). I'm turning into a regular old
+troll now&mdash;but I can't help myself. After all, I am only an elderly
+Norwegian. We are <em>made</em> like that.... Rainbow
+powders&mdash;<em>real</em> rainbow powders!
+With <span class='smcap'>Hilda</span>.... Oh, to have the joy of life
+once more!</p>
+
+<p class='ralign'>[<i>Takes his temperature again as Curtain falls.</i></p>
+
+<hr class='half' />
+
+<h2>PROFESSOR WHITEWASH'S GUIDE TO HISTORY.</h2>
+
+<p><i>Question.</i> Who was <span class='smcap'>William</span> the
+Conqueror? <i>Answer.</i> The Managing Director of an Exploration
+Company composed of the most respectable shareholders.</p>
+
+<div class='i-flleft' style='width:118px;'>
+<a href='images/i-125a.png'><img src='images/i-125ath.png' alt=''
+title='Click for larger image.' width='118' height='400' /></a>
+<p>The Professor.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> <span class='smcap'>William Rufus, Henry the First</span>
+and <span class='smcap'>Richard the First</span>?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> <span class='smcap'>Rufus</span>, a worthy son of a worthy
+father; <span class='smcap'>Henry</span>, a scholar, who strongly
+objected to over-cramming; and <span class='smcap'>Richard</span>, a
+mild-mannered man, who modestly shrank from canonisation.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> And what do you know about King <span class='smcap'>John</span>?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> That he gave to a grateful country the Magna Charta.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> And all the intermediate monarchs' being equally good, what
+have you to say about King <span class='smcap'>Henry the
+Eighth</span>?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> He was a model monarch, and worthy to be the father
+of <span class='smcap'>Mary</span>
+and <span class='smcap'>Elizabeth</span>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> How about the Royal ladies you have last mentioned?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> The first had as large a mind as the other a heart.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> What do you think of the <span class='smcap'>Stuart</span>
+Family?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> It was famed for its fidelity, trustfulness, and gratitude.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> Were <span class='smcap'>William</span>
+and <span class='smcap'>Mary</span>,
+and <span class='smcap'>Anne</span>, pleasant Monarchs?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> Most pleasant. As witty as they were beautiful.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> And how about the <span class='smcap'>Georges</span>?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> All that could be desired&mdash;and more. Indeed, all our
+monarchs have been of the most exemplary character, against whom the
+most scandal-loving would utter no word of complaint.</p>
+
+<hr class='half' />
+
+<h2>THE ENGLISH-FRENCH EMBASSADORE AT THE MANSHUN HOUSE.</h2>
+
+<div class='i-flleft' style='width:135px;'>
+<a href='images/i-125b.png'><img src='images/i-125bth.png' alt='Robert
+the Waiter.' title='Click for larger image.' width='135' height='225' /></a>
+</div>
+
+<p><span class='smcap'>Well</span>, we've bin a going on much as usual
+at our grand old Manshun House under our trewly
+liberal <span class='smcap'>Lord Mare</span>, but I ain't had nothink
+werry new to tell about, till a few nites ago, when we had what I can
+truthfully call a reel staggerer, and no mistake. It seems as it's
+allers the custon, when a Embassadore, who has made hisself werry
+poplar, is gitting jest a leetle tired of us, and begins to si for Ome
+sweet Ome, for the principalest Gent in London to give him sitch a grand
+Bankwet as he ain't never seen afore, and ain't never likely for to see
+again. So the <span class='smcap'>Lord Mare</span>, hearing as the
+French Embassadore was in that werry dellicate sitiwation, arsked about
+three hundred of the most heminent Gents in all London to come to the
+Manshun House to meet him, and they all came, as in course they wood do,
+and that was one of the werry grandest Bankwets as regards silly brated
+Gests as ewen I ewer had the honner of waiting on.</p>
+
+<p>And now for the staggerers! Just to begin with, why the French
+Embassadore is no more a Frenchman than I am! for his name it's
+<span class='smcap'>Woddington</span>, and so was his Father's before
+him, and strange to say, thanks, I spose, to the splendid dinner, <i>et
+setterer</i>, as was guv him, he acshally told us as he rowed in the
+Winning Boat at the Uniwersity Boat-race at Putney, ewer so many years
+ago! Werry like a Frenchman, suttenly, or, as I should prefer saying,
+werry like a Whale! Of course all the Gents present, being reel Gents,
+looked quite as if they beleeved it all; but, when he afterwards went on
+to say that his Grate Grandfather took his most religious and grayshus
+Majesty, <span class='smcap'>King Charles the Second</span>, right up
+into the Hoak Tree, and so saved his preshus life, I saw sum two or
+three of the werry hiest on 'em trying in wain to look quite serious, as
+if they bleeved it all; and one werry smart young feller near me said to
+his friend, "Why not call it the Hoax Tree"? I didn't kno quite what he
+meant, but they both had a quiet larf over it.</p>
+
+<div class='i-flleft' style='width:182px;'>
+<a href='images/i-125c.png'><img src='images/i-125cth.png' alt='Robert
+the Waiter comically depicted as a &#34;garsong.&#34;.' title='Click for
+larger image.' width='182' height='225' /></a>
+<p>"Robaire" &agrave; la mode de Parry.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p>He gave us a few more staggerers, but not quite equal to the King
+Charles one, and of course we coud all make allowances for him, as it
+was his last chance in such a party as that was. But he made up for it
+all before he left, by speaking of the Grand Old Copperation as one of
+the werry noblest bodys in the world, and as having made its mark in the
+history of this great Country, and how artily he hoped it would continue
+and flurrish for ever! I don't suppose as there was any county
+counsellers among so distingwisht a Body, or I should like to know what
+they thort of the Embassadore's opinion of us! An I'm thinkin of wizitin
+Parry myself and cummin out strong. And wy not? They tell me it will
+make me kwite young again, for I shall go over there a helderly henglish
+waiter and reappear in Parry as a "garsong" which is french for "a young
+man."</p>
+
+<p class='ralign smcap'>Robert.</p>
+
+<hr class='half' />
+
+<h2>BRIGHTON BOORS.</h2>
+
+<p class='note center'>[<span class='smcap'>Mr. Gladstone</span> was
+mobbed by an immense crowd on Sunday, the 5th.]</p>
+
+<div class='poem center' style='width:35em;'>
+<div class='stanza'>
+<span class='smcap'>O Brighton</span>, it isn't a thing to be proud of<br />
+<span class='in1em'>That people, the fat uns as well as the bony uns,</span><br />
+Should squeeze an old Gentleman, crushed in a crowd of Brightonians.<br />
+</div>
+
+<div class='stanza'>
+All watering-places you claim to be Queen of,<br />
+<span class='in1em'>As proud as the Tyrians or the Sidonians?</span><br />
+Your manners don't match; such behaviour seems green of Brightonians.<br />
+</div>
+
+<div class='stanza'>
+You scare away visitors, who are affrighted<br />
+<span class='in1em'>By folks rude as Goths, Huns, or wild Caledonians.</span><br />
+Such staring shows that in two ways you're short-sighted Brightonians.<br />
+</div>
+</div>
+
+<hr class='half' />
+
+<p><span class='smcap'>Our Booking-Office.</span>&mdash;<span class='smcap'>Chatto and Windus</span> have published, in handy form,
+cloth bound, and handsomely printed, an edition of <span class='smcap'>Justin Mccarthy's</span>
+novels. There are, ten in all, going at half-a-crown a-piece, and well
+worth the money. The literary style is excellent&mdash;not a matter of course
+in the writing of novels&mdash;the tone wholesome, whilst on every page
+gleams the light of genuine, if gentle humour. In looking through the
+pages of this charming little library, my Baronite is inclined to regret
+that Mr. <span class='smcap'>Mccarthy</span> should, to some extent, have given up to Politics what
+was meant for Literature.</p>
+
+<p class='ralign smcap'>B. de B.-W.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p class='pagenum'><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></p>
+
+<div class='center' style='width:700px;'>
+<a href='images/i-126.png'><img src='images/i-126th.png' alt='Distraught
+gentlemen with couple and child.' title='Click for larger image.' width='700'
+height='448' /></a>
+
+<h3>AN EFFECT OF SHYNESS.</h3>
+
+<p><i>Proud Mamma.</i> <span class='smcap'>"Which do you think Effy's
+most like, Mr. Jinks?&mdash;her Father, or Me?"</span></p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Jinks.</i> <span class='smcap'>"Oh&mdash;a&mdash;I should say
+she's a Plain Likeness of her Father&mdash;&mdash;I
+mean&mdash;a&mdash;Handsome Likeness of her Mother&mdash;a&mdash;I
+mean&mdash;a&mdash;a&mdash;&mdash;"</span><span
+class='spacer5em'>&#8195;</span> [<i>Stammers hopelessly, upsets his Tea, and
+wishes himself unborn.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr class='half' />
+
+<h2>THE ASSAULT!!</h2>
+
+<p class='center'><i>Beleaguers babble around the Battering-Ram:&mdash;</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Balfourius</i> (<i>musingly</i>).<span class='spacer5em'>&#8195;</span>"Heroes tall<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 7em;">Dislodging pinnacle and parapet</span><br />
+<span style="margin-left: 7em;">Upon the tortoise creeping to the wall."</span></p>
+
+<p><i>Chamberlainus</i> (<i>sardonically</i>). Heroes tall, indeed! Have
+the distressed defenders of this untenable Citadel any
+such? <span class='smcap'>Gladstonius</span> is a sort of hero, perhaps,
+but hardly tall; <span class='smcap'>Harcourtius</span> is tall indeed,
+but no hero. Aha!</p>
+
+<p><i>Saundersonius</i> (<i>sharply</i>). Yes; and we have had too much
+of that "tortoise-creeping" business. Sharp's the word now, I
+hope. <span class='smcap'>Balfourius's</span> Battering-Ram&mdash;though
+the murderous ruffians&mdash;I mean excited politicians&mdash;<i>did</i>
+denounce it, is better than all your tortoises!</p>
+
+<p><i>Balfourius</i> (<i>completing his quotation</i>). "Lances in ambush set."</p>
+
+<p><i>Saundersonius.</i> Oh yes, they're all very well&mdash;in their
+way. A School of Strategy for our "young bloods," with
+secret <i>s&eacute;ances</i>, and&mdash;ahem!&mdash;<i>Fagin</i>-like
+rehearsals, is not a bad notion. But on the whole I agree
+with <i>Moloch</i>:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class='center' style='width:25em; margin-top:1em;'>
+"My sentence is for open war: of wiles,<br />
+More inexpert, I boast not: there let those<br />
+Contrive who need, or when they need, not now.<br />
+For while they sit contriving, shall the rest,<br />
+Millions that stand in arms, and longing wait<br />
+The signal to arise, sit lingering here,<br />
+Prisoners of his tyranny who reigns<br />
+By our delay? No, let us rather choose,<br />
+Arm'd with hell-flames and fury all at once,<br />
+O'er these high towers to force resistless way,<br />
+Turning Obstruction into horrid arms<br />
+Against the Obstructor; when to meet the noise<br />
+Of his 'iniquitous' engine, he shall hear<br />
+Ulsterian thunder; and for lightning set<br />
+Green fire and rockets shot with equal rage<br />
+Among his 'items;' and his seat itself<br />
+Shake with Tartarean tactics, 'dirty tricks,'<br />
+His own invented dodges."
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Grandolphus</i> (<i>tugging at Balfourius's tunic-tails</i>). Ha!
+ha! ha! Well quoted, my Orange-plumed Hyperborean hero! (<i>Aside: I
+must read up the bards a bit. Didn't know they were so practically
+pertinent. How handy that</i> "<i>senesque</i>" <i>bit came in the other
+day!</i>)</p>
+
+<p><i>Balfourius</i> (<i>fidgeting</i>). I
+say, <span class='smcap'>Grandolphus</span>, if you'd tug at the rope,
+instead of my tails, I fancy you'd tire me less, and have more effect on
+the Ram.</p>
+
+<p><i>Grandolphus</i> (<i>cheerily</i>). Ah, my old friend, I assure you
+I intend to stick to <i>you</i> "loyally and unhesitatingly."</p>
+
+<p><i>Balfourius</i> (<i>drily</i>). Oh&mdash;<em>thanks!!!</em></p>
+
+<p><i>Chamberlainus.</i> Never <i>were</i> such a United lot as we are:</p>
+
+<p class='center'>(<i>Sings sotto voce.</i>)</p>
+
+<div class='center' style='width:25em;'>
+<i>For I love dear</i> B. <i>as a brother, I do,</i><br />
+<span class='in1em'><i>And dear</i> B. <i>he worships me;</i></span><br />
+<i>But we'll both be blowed if we'll either be stowed</i><br />
+<span class='in1em'><i>In the other chap's hold, you see!</i></span>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Balfourius.</i> What's that you say?</p>
+
+<p><i>Chamberlainus.</i> Oh, merely humming "Birds in their little nests
+agree."</p>
+
+<p><i>Balfourius.</i> Ah, as the Chief says, there'll be plenty of
+opportunity for personal sacrifice and pulling together before we're
+through with this siege. To work this Battering-Ram with effect,
+unanimity and simultaneity of effort are especially essential.</p>
+
+<p><i>Saundersonius.</i> Quite so! So bear a hand&mdash;<em>at the
+rope</em>, <span class='smcap'>Grandolphus</span>, if you please. Now then, boys&mdash;<em>all
+together!!!</em> <span class='smcap'>Bang!!!!!!</span></p>
+
+<p><i>Grand Old Voice</i> (<i>from within</i>). "When they <i>do</i>
+agree, their unanimity is wonderful." Wonder if that gate will stand the
+shock! Must disable that Rampant Ram of theirs&mdash;somehow.</p>
+
+<p class='ralign'>[<i>Left keeping his eye on 'em.</i></p>
+
+<hr class='half' />
+
+<blockquote><p><span class='smcap'>Sufficiently
+Antique.</span>&mdash;Said <span class='smcap'>Tomkins</span>, "I won't
+say my ancestors were in this Country before the Flood, <em>but</em> they
+came in with the High Tide."</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p class='pagenum'><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></p>
+
+<div class='center' style='width:700px;'>
+<a href='images/i-127.png'><img src='images/i-127th.png'
+alt='Caricatured politicos of the day as Romans.' title='Click for
+larger image.' width='700' height='544' /></a>
+
+<h3>THE ASSAULT!!</h3>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p class='pagenum'><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg
+128]&#160;</a></p>
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg
+129]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class='center' style='width:700px;'>
+<a href='images/i-129.png'><img src='images/i-129th.png' alt='Man
+pulling carriage, boy on fence, convalescent in carriage.' title='Click
+for larger image.' width='700' height='405' /></a>
+
+<h3>TRIALS OF A CONVALESCENT.</h3>
+
+<p><i>Tompkins</i> (<i>in a feeble voice, for the fourth or fifth time,
+with no result</i>). <span class='smcap'>"Chairman!!!
+Chairman!!!"</span></p>
+
+<p><i>That Awful Boy.</i> <span class='smcap'>"Lydies and
+Gentlemen&mdash;&mdash;!!"</span></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr class='half' />
+
+<h2>A FYTTE OF THE BLUES.</h2>
+
+<p class='center smcap'>By an Old "Crock."</p>
+
+<p class='center'>(<i>After reading the rattling verses of</i>
+"Tis," <i>entitled</i> <i>"Good Luck!" in the "Granta."</i>)</p>
+
+<div class='poem center' style='width:25em'>
+
+<div class='stanza'>
+<span class='smcap'>Good</span> old <i>Granta</i>! They set the blood glowing,<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Your verse-grinder's galloping lines,</span><br />
+There seems rare inspiration in Rowing!<br />
+<span class='in1em'>The Muse, who politely declines</span><br />
+To patronise pessimist twitters,<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Has smiled on these stanzas, which smack</span><br />
+Of health, honest zeal, foaming "bitters,"<br />
+<span class='in1em'>And vigour of brain and of back.</span>
+</div>
+
+<div class='stanza'>
+Good luck to the Light Blues! That burden<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Befits rattling rhymes from the Cam,</span><br />
+Their "movement" might rouse a Dame <span class='smcap'>Durden</span>,<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Or fire a cold victim of cram.</span><br />
+Why it stirs up "old Crocks" to peruse 'em&mdash;<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Slashing lines on "a slashing octette"&mdash;</span><br />
+They feel, though 'tis hard to "enthuse" 'em,<br />
+<span class='in1em'>There <i>must</i> be some life in 'em yet.</span>
+</div>
+
+<div class='stanza'>
+Old Crocks! Oh, exuberant younkers!<br />
+<span class='in1em'>You "guy" "the old gang" as "played out,"</span><br />
+As fogies, and fussers, and funkers,<br />
+<span class='in1em'>You've over-much reason, no doubt.</span><br />
+But, great Scott! as your rowing-rhymes rattle<br />
+<span class='in1em'>And lilt lyric praise of the Crews,</span><br />
+We too sniff the air of the battle!<br />
+<span class='in1em'>We too have a Fit of the Blues.</span>
+</div>
+
+<div class='stanza'>
+It's oh! just to "swing behind <span class='smcap'>Lewis</span>,"<br />
+<span class='in1em'>A "youngster as strong as an ox"!</span><br />
+Or be one who true Boss of the Crew is,&mdash;<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Your "pet Palinurus"&mdash;the Cox!</span><br />
+To feel all the blood in one glowing,<br />
+<span class='in1em'>And&mdash;heedless of love, toil, and "tin"&mdash;</span><br />
+Know naught in creation save&mdash;Rowing.<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Deems nothing worth much save&mdash;a <span class='smcap'>Win</span>!</span>
+</div>
+
+<div class='stanza'>
+Five minutes, my boys, of such feeling,<br />
+<span class='in1em'>When rivals look beaten and blown,</span><br />
+When the nose of your ship is just stealing<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Ahead, when your muscles have grown</span><br />
+To thews, that&mdash;<i>pro tem.</i>&mdash;are Titanic,<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Are worth a whole year of <i>our</i> lives,</span><br />
+Whose waistbands are&mdash;well, Aldermanic,<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Who've wrinkles, and worries, and wives!</span>
+</div>
+
+<div class='stanza'>
+Well, here's to the two tints of azure,<br />
+<span class='in1em'>The Dark Blue as well as the Light!</span><br />
+At least there's one thing we can say sure,&mdash;<br />
+<span class='in1em'>There'll be no blue funk in their fight.</span><br />
+And here's to the Bard of the <i>Granta</i>,<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Who sings without "side," "sniff," or "shop."</span><br />
+May he live (if he wish it), to plant a<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Big bay on Parnassus's top!</span>
+</div>
+
+</div>
+
+<hr class='half' />
+
+<h2>TIM O'HOWLIGAN'S LAMENT.</h2>
+
+<p class='center'><span class='smcap'>Air&mdash;</span>"<em>Arrah!
+darlints, we can't do without ye!"</em></p>
+
+<div class='poem center' style='width:25em;'>
+
+<div class='stanza'>
+<span class='smcap'>Ah!</span> shure boys, the world has gone crazy,<br />
+<span class='in1em'>And there's plinty of throuble in shtore,</span><br />
+Ivery mornin' I wake up onaisy<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Bekase I can't shleep any more.</span><br />
+'Twas <span class='smcap'>Cromwell</span>, bad scran to 'im, done it,<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Him that murdhered King <span class='smcap'>Charles</span>, ochone!</span><br />
+And since the black villin begun it<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Ould Erin's done nothing but groan,</span><br />
+<span class='in7em'>And moan,</span><br />
+<span class='in1em'>It would soften the heart of a shtone.</span>
+</div>
+
+<div class='stanza'>
+By the poker, I'm boilin' with passion<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Whin I think of the laws that they make;</span><br />
+At a fair the bhoys heads ye can't smash in,<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Nor get dacently dhrunk at a wake.</span><br />
+There's only twelve pince in a shillin',<br />
+<span class='in1em'>And not more than two pints in a quart,</span><br />
+Onless you are cliver at fillin',<br />
+<span class='in1em'>And can make it hould more than it ought.</span><br />
+<span class='in7em'>Don't be caught,</span><br />
+<span class='in1em'>Or, be jabers, they'll make you pay for't.</span>
+</div>
+
+<div class='stanza'>
+Where's the kings and the princes of Erin<br />
+<span class='in1em'>That lived on purtaties and point,</span><br />
+And niver saw year out and year in<br />
+<span class='in1em'>The divil a taste of a joint?</span><br />
+Thim toirants now buy all our bacon,<br />
+<span class='in1em'>And the linen, and butther, and that,</span><br />
+All that grows in the counthry is taken<br />
+<span class='in1em'>From Antrim to Mullinavat.</span><br />
+<span class='in7em'>Poor Pat</span><br />
+<span class='in1em'>Has to sell at a profut, that's flat.</span>
+</div>
+
+<div class='stanza'>
+Well, honies, I'll give ye a hint,<br />
+<span class='in1em'>And let ivery one do it who can;</span><br />
+When the bag of thirteens is all spint,<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Set up for a Parliament man.</span><br />
+Thim's the boys that gets lashins of drinkin',<br />
+<span class='in1em'>And they dine wanst a week wid the Queen,</span><br />
+Where the glasses are niver done clinkin',<br />
+<span class='in1em'>Wid the Royalties jokin' and spreein',</span><br />
+<span class='in7em'>Jubileein',</span><br />
+<span class='in1em'>And such doins as niver was seen.</span></div>
+
+</div>
+
+<hr class='half' />
+
+<blockquote><p><span class='smcap'>A Complaint and Simple Remedy.&mdash;</span>
+Among the Requests in our ecclesiastical contemporary,
+<i>The Guardian</i>, recently appeared one asking for an effectual way
+of "<q>exterminating dry rot, and preventing its re-appearance in a
+church.</q>" Why doesn't the reverend inquirer try somebody else's
+Sermons? Or have no Sermons at all?</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr class='short' />
+
+<blockquote><p><span class='smcap'>Nothing</span> more delights our old
+friend than to get hold of a real good word, and use it with effect. "I
+wish I knew what is going to win the Derby this year," observed her
+Niece. "Ah, my dear," replied her Aunt, "I might be able to tell you if
+I were a Vaccinator."</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr class='short' />
+
+<blockquote><p><span class='smcap'>Best Day in the Week for making a
+Proposal of Marriage.</span>&mdash;In London, Monday is the most
+appropriate, as being dedicated to the "Monday Pops."</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg
+130]</a></span></p>
+
+<div class='i-flleft' style='width:311px;
+border-bottom:4px double;border-right:1px solid;
+padding:0 .5em .5em 0;'>
+
+<a href='images/i-130.png'><img src='images/i-130th.png' alt='Frustrated
+husband at bottom of stairwell.' title='Click for larger image.' width='311'
+height='500' /></a>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Moriarty.</i> <span class='smcap'>"Look here, Ada, how much longer, for goodness'
+sake, are ye goin' to be Dressin' yourself?"</span></p>
+
+<p><i>Voice from the Heights.</i> <span class='smcap'>"Only Ten Minutes, dear!"</span></p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Moriarty.</i> <span class='smcap'>"Well, all I can say is, if I've got to wait
+here Ten Minutes, I'll&mdash;I'll be off this Blessed Moment!"</span></p>
+</div>
+
+<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+<p class='center'>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</p>
+
+<p><i>House of Commons, Monday, March 6.</i>&mdash;"The <span class='smcap'>Speaker</span> took the Chair at
+three o'clock." That is an extract from the <i>Journals of the House</i>, a
+fascinating literary work, ably edited by Mr. <span class='smcap'>Palgrave</span> with the
+assistance of Mr. <span class='smcap'>Milman</span>, much in favour at <span class='smcap'>Mudie's</span>. Last time I saw
+<span class='smcap'>Speaker</span> rise from Chair was Banquet at
+Mansion House given by way of farewell to <span class='smcap'>M.
+Waddington</span>. Very remarkable scene it was. In ordinary
+times <span class='smcap'>Speaker</span> of House of Commons is
+personally unknown to outside public. He takes no part in debate; never
+goes on Midlothian Campaigns; belongs to no faction; has no political
+following; and should have no enemy. British public, regarding with
+close attention the fascinating arena at Westminster, have evidently
+formed clear opinion of its present President. When list of guests
+whom <span class='smcap'>Lord Mayor</span> delighted to honour read out
+by Toastmaster, name of <span class='smcap'>Speaker</span> received with
+enthusiastic and prolonged applause. House of Commons men present, of
+whom there was large muster, evidently taken by surprise. They know
+the <span class='smcap'>Speaker</span>, because they daily live with
+him. How outside public should have been seized with such keen
+appreciation of his worth was more than they were prepared for.</p>
+
+<p>This may have been, probably was, to some extent a <i>succ&egrave;s d'estime</i>.
+Mr. <span class='smcap'>Peel's</span> speech was genuine triumph; very brief, the shortest of the
+series, but incomparably the best; lofty in tone, perfect in delivery,
+saying just the right thing at the right moment in the right way. Its
+effect at Mansion House something like that which electrified House when
+Mr. <span class='smcap'>Peel</span>, standing on steps of Chair, faced it for first time as its
+<span class='smcap'>Speaker</span>, revealing, even to those who had
+known him long, the full depths of his nature and the towering height of
+his capacity.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Mon Dieu</i>, <span class='smcap'>Tobee</span>," said an eminent
+Frenchman, "the world in both hemispheres has always envied you the
+possession of your House of Commons. Now we know you have a Speaker
+worthy of its best traditions."</p>
+
+<p>Banquet a great success; certainly the most brilliant galaxy of
+guests drawn together in same place since
+Mr. <span class='smcap'>Phelps</span>, the American Minister, said
+farewell in memorable speech. Much struck with completeness of
+arrangements. Even the waiters imbued with consciousness of great
+occasion.</p>
+
+<p>"Hope you enjide your dinner, Sir?" said one to me, when dessert
+placed on table.</p>
+
+<p>"Excellent," I said; "perhaps the whitebait done a little too much;
+showed tendency to present itself in fragments; but 'twas nothing."</p>
+
+<p>"Yessir," said the Waiter, diligently brushing off imaginary crumbs.
+"I'm going now, Sir."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah," I said; "then I suppose you don't wait to hear the speeches;
+flow of reason, you know, quite a treat."</p>
+
+<p>"Yessir," said he, still pegging away at the spotless table-cloth.
+"Can I get you anything more, Sir?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, thank you," I said, quite touched at the man's considerate
+attention, the more marked since, as far as I recognised him, I had not
+seen him before. "I've done excellently."</p>
+
+<p>"Yessir. I'm going now." Hardly seemed able to part. Not sure
+whether, in circumstances of international amity, I shouldn't have
+shaken hands with him. Made half advance in that direction. He quickly
+advanced his hand, but after glance at my extended palm, as rapidly
+withdrew it. Perhaps he was right. Not usual to shake hands with Waiter,
+though really, on occasion like this, one might disregard
+conventionalities. Waiter lingeringly withdrew, still keeping his eye on
+me, as if expecting me to call him back. Nodded a friendly farewell, and
+pensively peeled an orange, thinking how one touch of nature makes us
+kin. This good Waiter and I quite subdued by the graceful, generous
+thought of Lord Mayor <span class='smcap'>Knill</span>, who has added
+one more link to the chain that binds in amity two nations that have
+fought all the way from Cressy to Waterloo.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Got into Committee on Navy Estimates. In
+the Lobby sort of rehearsal of new Battle of Boyne. The other
+night <span class='smcap'>Saunderson</span> said something disrespectful
+of Irish Members. <span class='smcap'>Willie Redmond</span>, from his
+proud position among nobility and gentry above Gangway, called out, "You
+wouldn't say that in the Lobby." "Say it anywhere," responded the
+Colonel, ever ready to oblige.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p class='pagenum'><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg
+131]</a></p>
+
+<div class='center' style='width:700px;'>
+<a href='images/i-131.png'><img src='images/i-131th.png' alt='Chaotic
+scene of large group of arguing politicians.' title='Click for larger
+image.' width='700' height='547' /></a>
+
+<h3>"SCENES IN THE LOBBY."</h3>
+
+<p class='center'><span class='smcap'>Design for Our Own Historical
+Painter.</span></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p class='pagenum'><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg
+132]</a></p>
+
+<p>Next day wrote letter to <span class='smcap'>Redmond</span>, incidentally mentioning that if he
+wanted to hear the words over again, should meet him in Lobby to-night
+after questions. Nothing nearer <span class='smcap'>Redmond's</span> heart's desire. At five
+o'clock Colonel, accompanied by another military gentleman, carrying his
+cloak, a pair of pistols, a stiletto, a bottle of <i>eau de Cologne</i>, a
+sponge, and a clothes-brush, sternly strode into Lobby. Carefully
+counted paces till he was standing as nearly as possible on centre tile;
+folded arms, and wished that Night or <span class='smcap'>Redmond</span> would come. Colonel
+<span class='smcap'>Waring</span>, with military accoutrements and cloak; stood a pace and a half
+to the left rear. Presently entered <span class='smcap'>Redmond</span>, accompanied by J. J.
+<span class='smcap'>O'kelly</span>, also carrying cloak. Secreted in
+folds were shillelagh, bottle of whiskey, pair of spurs, a toothpick,
+and a freshly-minted crown-piece. This last, at suitable moment, to be
+flung across Lobby; (friend secretly told off to be on alert to pick it
+up.) Action to be explained as typical of throwing King's Crown into the
+Boyne. The principals approaching, <span class='smcap'>Redmond</span>,
+after manner of schoolboys, who edge up to each other, each hoping the
+other doesn't want to fight, asked Colonel to "say it again."
+"Certainly; but say what?" Here difficulty began, which spoiled whole
+business. <span class='smcap'>Redmond</span> insisted upon being called
+a murderer. <span class='smcap'>Saunderson</span> punctilious on minor
+points, wouldn't go quite so far in his desire to oblige. Angry
+altercation followed; Members, to number of something like hundred,
+formed ring. <span class='smcap'>Redmond</span>, with right shoulder
+aggressively hoisted, spoke over it at the Colonel. Colonel stood erect,
+with hands loosely hanging by his side, ready for emergencies. Crowd
+grew thicker and more excited. "Expected every moment would be our
+next," as <span class='smcap'>Clancy</span> breathlessly put it. But in
+the end storm blew itself out. Nothing happened, and crowd
+disappointedly dispersed.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>Ulster will fight,<br />
+But&mdash;&mdash;<em>not to-night.</em></p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Thursday.</i>&mdash;Opposition mustered to-day in high spirits;
+meeting at Carlton yesterday addressed
+by <span class='smcap'>Markiss</span> and
+Prince <span class='smcap'>Arthur; Grandolph,</span> looking in, took
+back seat in his customary retiring fashion. Meeting insisted on his
+coming to the front; made spirited speech; scarcely a dry eye in the
+Club when, looking shyly across at
+Prince <span class='smcap'>Arthur</span>, he alluded to him as his "old
+political friend," his "brilliant and esteemed Parliamentary
+Leader."</p>
+
+<p>"I think," said the <span class='smcap'>Markiss</span>, as meeting dispersed, "this will drive nail
+in coffin of Home-Rule Bill, and make things pretty hot for Mr. G. As
+<span class='smcap'>Hart Dyke</span> epigrammatically puts it, 'We
+Unionists, above all others, should be united.'"</p>
+
+<p>This, as I mentioned, happened yesterday. This afternoon Opposition
+mustered in anticipation of aggressive action by Mr. G. Had given notice
+to move suspension of Twelve o'Clock Rule, in order to make progress
+with Estimates.</p>
+
+<p>"Not if we know it," said Right Hon. <span class='smcap'>James
+Lowther</span>, commonly called <span class='smcap'>"Jemmie."</span></p>
+
+<p>Mr. G., previous to moving Resolution, explained there was no intention
+of sitting late; Suspension Standing Order was matter of precaution
+designed to prevent arbitrary carrying over of Amendments when
+adequately discussed. Prince <span class='smcap'>Arthur's</span> keen eye discerned that this might
+be so construed as to convey no advantage to Government. When twelve
+o'clock came Debate might be diverged on to lines of wrangle round
+Question of Adjournment, and so House up and nothing done. On this
+understanding he declared he would not resist Motion of Leader of House.
+Then <span class='smcap'>Jemmie</span>, rushing to the front, made the running. Did Mr. G. intend,
+in any case, to take Second Reading of Home-Rule Bill on Thursday next?
+Mr. G. nodded assent. "Very well, then I'll divide against you," <span class='smcap'>Jemmie</span>
+roared across the pained figure of his esteemed Leader. Not to be moved
+by blandishment or argument from this position. Prince <span class='smcap'>Arthur</span>, seeing
+matters hopeless, haughtily strode forth, <span class='smcap'>Grandolph</span> loyally accompanying
+him. But more than half his old colleagues stayed behind with <span class='smcap'>Jemmie
+Lowther</span> who got Opposition soundly beaten by majority of 85.</p>
+
+<p>"There's only one thing we want to run our majority over 100," said
+<span class='smcap'>Squire of Malwood</span>, smiling beneficently from
+Treasury Bench. "Another meeting of the Party at the Carlton Club will
+do it."</p>
+
+<p>"What did you mean by to-night's performance?" I
+asked <span class='smcap'>Jemmie</span>, later.</p>
+
+<p>"Mean? I meant business. I'm a little tired of lurking in background
+seeing men come to front who haven't half my ability, political acumen,
+or Parliamentary knowledge. I intend to have a Party of my own. There
+has been a Fourth Party, and before that there was a Tea-room Party, and
+a Cave of Adullam. I shall eclipse them all."</p>
+
+<p>"And under what name do you think history will know your faction?" I
+asked, much interested.</p>
+
+<p>The Right Hon. took up a piece of paper, and on it wrote the words,
+<span class='smcap'>"Lowther's Arcade."</span></p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;<span class='smcap'>Wolmer's</span>
+Amendment on the Navy Estimates negatived.</p>
+
+<div class='i-flright' style='width:414px;'>
+
+<a href='images/i-132.png'><img src='images/i-132th.png'
+alt='Caricatured politicians shaking hands.' title='Click for larger
+image.' width='414' height='500' /></a>
+
+<h3>"GREAT EXPECTATIONS."</h3>
+
+<blockquote><p>["As persistent attempts are being made to show that Mr.
+<span class='smcap'>Balfour</span> and
+Mr. <span class='smcap'>Chamberlain</span> are at variance respecting
+the tactics which should be adopted by the Unionist Party in Opposition,
+we may state that more thorough accord never existed than at the present
+moment."&mdash;<cite>The Times, March 8, 1893.</cite>]</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>Gargery Chamberlain.</i> "You
+know, <span class='smcap'>Pip</span>, as you and me were ever the best
+of Friends!"
+</p>
+
+<p><i>Balfour Pip.</i> "Dear <span class='smcap'>Jo</span>!"</p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Friday.</i>&mdash;Prince <span class='smcap'>Arthur</span>, and
+Statesman to whom <span class='smcap'>Austen Chamberlain</span>
+distantly alludes as "My Right Hon. friend," sit separated by width of
+House. But, in assaults on Government, they are not divided. Idle
+stories about differences of opinion arising between them quite
+unnecessarily denied.</p>
+
+<p>"I never look at them," said <span class='smcap'>Trevelyan</span>, "without recalling to mind a
+passage in what is, I think, my favourite among <span class='smcap'>Dickens's</span> novels. You
+remember the scene in <i>Great Expectations</i>, where <i>Joe Gargery</i> visits
+<i>Pip</i>, in his day of prosperity, in London? 'Ever best of friends,' says
+<span class='smcap'>Joe (Chamberlain)</span>. 'Dear <span class='smcap'>Joe</span>,' says Prince <span class='smcap'>Arthur</span>. 'You know, <span class='smcap'>Pip</span>,' says
+<span class='smcap'>Joe</span>, 'as you and me were ever friends, and it
+were looked forrerd to betwixt us as bein' calc'lated to lead to
+larks.'"</p>
+
+<p>The expectation not lacking of past fulfilment; full of promise in
+days near at hand.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Sat from two to seven discussing whether
+we shall sit to-morrow in order to make progress with public business.
+Finally decided we shall. Meanwhile, morning sitting slipped away.</p>
+
+<hr class='half' style='clear:both;' />
+
+<p><span class='smcap'>Vino Italiano Con Temperanza.</span>&mdash;Signor <span class='smcap'>Vitali</span>, of the
+Italian-Wine-in-England Mission, writes to us to say that Sir <span class='smcap'>Wilfrid
+Lawson</span> might temper his favourite beverage of <i>Aqua Pura</i> with half a
+gallon flask of <i>Vinum Purum Italianum</i>, such as Chianti, and he would
+be none the worse for it. We are inclined to agree with the Signor
+<span class='smcap'>Vitali</span>, as, in our opinion, there is small likelihood of any Italian
+wine-drinker "getting any forrader." Of course Signor <span class='smcap'>Vitali</span>, being
+somewhat interested in the matter, and therefore, most hopeful that his
+enterprise will result in orders for any number of flasks, and not end
+in an empty <i>fiasco</i>, would not fail to point out that Italian wine is
+likely to have a prolonged existence in this country, as it is not
+lacking in Vitali-ty.</p>
+
+<hr class='half' />
+
+<p class='center'><b>TONE AND TINT.</b>&mdash;(<b>By a Wearer of the
+Green.</b>)</p>
+
+<div class='poem center' style='width:25em;'>
+<span class='smcap'>Your</span> Orangeman swears&mdash;he's a terrible fellow!&mdash;<br />
+They shan't set the Green o'er his favourite Yellow.<br />
+His shout's "No surrender!" And is he so Green<br />
+As to think we'll turn Yellow because of his spleen?<br />
+No, no! He may vow in his last ditch he'll die,<br />
+But&mdash;we're not to be scared by a <i>Hue</i> and a <i>Cry</i>!
+</div>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+104, March 18, 1893, by Various
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+</body>
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 104,
+March 18, 1893, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 104, March 18, 1893
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Francis Burnand
+
+Release Date: September 17, 2007 [EBook #22645]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by V. L. Simpson, Juliet Sutherland and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+
+VOL 104.
+
+
+
+
+March 18, 1893.
+
+
+
+
+    [Illustration: "WELL MATCHED."
+
+    _Medico_ (_pathetically, with a view to touching the
+    Dealer's heart_). "NOW, MR. BOBBS, WHAT _DO_ YOU THINK I
+    COULD GET A THOROUGHLY GOOD USEFUL PAIR OF HORSES FOR,
+    EH? PRICE NOT STIFF."
+
+    _Mr. Bobbs._ "LOR' BLESS YOU, SIR, TO FIND
+    HORSES--NOTHIN' EASIER. BUT, AS REGARDS
+    _PRICE_--WELL--YOU CAN HAVE 'EM AT ALL PRICES, JUST AS
+    YOU CAN DOCTORS!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MIXED NOTIONS.
+
+No. VII.--PARLIAMENTARY PROCEDURE.
+
+(_Scene and Persons as usual._)
+
+_Inquirer_ (_to First Well-Informed Man_). I say, have you ever been in
+the House of Commons?
+
+_First W. I. M._ (_shortly_). No, you know I haven't.
+
+_Inquirer._ Oh, I don't mean as a Member. Of course I know you wouldn't
+stand the rot of all these Constituents, or whatever they call
+themselves. But have you ever been there as a visitor while a debate's
+going on?
+
+_First W. I. M._ Yes, once--some years ago. But why do you ask?
+
+_Inquirer_ (_producing an order of admission_). Well, you see, I got old
+JENKINS to give me a ticket for to-night, and I'm hanged if I know how
+I'm to get there, or when I'm to go, or anything about it. I thought you
+might be able to tell me how it's done.
+
+_First W. I. M._ Let's have a look at your ticket.
+
+    [_Both the_ Well-Informed Men _inspect it with an air of
+    critical sagacity._
+
+_First W. I. M._ (_after a prolonged pause_). I don't see where your
+difficulty is. You just present this! at the door.
+
+_Inquirer._ Ah, I daresay!--but what door? That's what I want to know.
+The place looks as if it had about fifty thousand doors, you know. And
+then I believe, if you make any mistakes, they march you off, in
+two-twos, as a dynamiter, or a Socialist, or an agitator, or something.
+You know old BONKER. Well, he went there once with a black bag, in which
+he'd got some sandwiches and cake, and, just because he wouldn't open
+it, they made no end of a row, and shoved him in the Clock-tower, or
+something, until he apologised. I don't want any of those games, you
+know.
+
+_Average Man._ Don't take a black bag then. They won't want to search
+your pockets.
+
+_Inquirer_ (_relieved_). Won't they? That's one comfort, at any rate. Do
+you think I ought to go in at the big entrance?
+
+_First W. I. M._ Of course you ought. The others are only for Members.
+
+_Inquirer._ Ah! And I suppose I ought to get there pretty early now that
+they've changed their hours. (_With determination._) I'll go about
+half-past eleven.
+
+    [_A pause. They read papers._
+
+_Inquirer_ (_suddenly, with intense alarm_). Oh, I say, look here, you
+chaps. Here's old GLADSTONE gone and suspended the Twelve o'Clock Rule.
+What does that mean?
+
+_Second W. I. M._ It means that they start everything at twelve o'clock
+in the day.
+
+_First W. I. M._ No, it doesn't. It means that they don't start anything
+till twelve o'clock at night.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ (_pityingly_). My dear fellow, where have you been all
+these years? They _always_ go home on the stroke of midnight now.
+
+_First W. I. M._ That's just where you're wrong. Midnight to two in the
+morning is just jolly well their best time now.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ I'll bet you half a thick 'un you're wrong!
+
+_First W. I. M._ And I'll bet you half a thick 'un I'm right!
+
+    [_The argument continues for some minutes in this
+    strain._
+
+_Inquirer._ I wonder if they'll have any obstruction. I should like to
+see some of that. I believe it's no end amusing.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ Oh, you may trust this Opposition for that. Their only
+notion for employing time is to obstruct everything and everybody.
+
+_First W. I. M._ (_with a deadly calmness_). Ah! you call it
+obstruction, of course, because you want to rush your iniquitous Bills
+through the House. But you don't think we're going to stand that, do
+you?--because we're not, and the Country's with us. Just look at
+Grimsby.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ All right! Suppose you look at Cirencester.
+
+_First W. I. M._ What do you say to Stockport then?
+
+_Second W. I. M._ And what do _you_ say to Walsham and Hexall, and all
+the rest of them? (_At the suggestion of the_ Average Man, _they abandon
+this fiery debate. A pause._)
+
+_Inquirer._ Who's Speaker now?
+
+_First W. I. M._ Sir ROBERT PEEL.
+
+_Inquirer._ Will he be there to-night?
+
+_First W. I. M._ Of course he will. He's got to be there.
+
+_Inquirer._ But then what does the Chairman of Committee do?
+
+_First W. I. M._ Oh, ah,--um, let me see; the Chairman of Committee
+does----(_Brightly._) He's only appointed, you know, when they want a
+Committee about something.
+
+_Second W. I. M._ I fancy he has to read the Bills.
+
+_First W. I. M._ (_gathering assurance as he proceeds_). Not when
+they're read a first time. Somebody else does that--I forget what they
+call him. The Chairman reads 'em a second time, and takes 'em up to the
+House of Lords.
+
+_Inquirer._ So he does, of course. I ought to have remembered that. But
+I'd got a sort of notion they didn't really read the Bills at all--just
+chucked 'em into a bag, and called it a Second Reading.
+
+_First W. I. M._ (_condescendingly_). That's how they used to do it
+about ten years ago; but they had to alter the whole thing after they
+got BRADLAUGH into the House.
+
+_Inquirer._ Why was that?
+
+_First W. I. M._ Well, he wouldn't take an oath, you know; so, after
+that, they altered everything.
+
+_Inquirer_ (_with admiration_). By Jove, what a chap you are for
+recollecting things!
+
+    [_Terminus._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUEER QUERIES.
+
+A NEW POLL-TAX.--Would somebody inform me of the easiest way of getting
+into Parliament? I see that Members are soon going to be paid, and that
+would be very useful to me, as my present yearly expenses are L1,500,
+and my income barely L150. Had I better try as a "Labour Candidate"? I
+feel that I may claim the title, on account of the labour--twelve hours
+at least _per diem_--which I have to expend on getting out of the way of
+my creditors. I presume that, before long, there will be Parliaments all
+over the place, for England, Wales, and Scotland, as well as for
+Ireland, and I want to get into _all_! At least, I want to get into all
+where the excellent system of payment of Members is adopted, with
+salaries "On the higher scale," as they say in the Courts. It is curious
+that, when I explain to my creditors this most promising source of
+prospective income, they don't seem to see it! But creditors always were
+a purblind race.--WOULD-BE LEGISLATOR.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE "WITLER" AND THE "WASSER-MAIDEN."
+
+_A Ballad of Bungdom._ (_After Hans Breitmann's Ballad of the Mermaid._)
+
+    [Illustration]
+
+  Der noble Witler[A] BUNGO
+    Von Schvillenschviggenop,
+  Rode out mit shpeer und helmet,
+    Und he coom to de panks of de Schlopp,
+
+  [A] Licensed Victualler.
+
+  Und oop dere rose a Meer-maid
+    Vot hadn't got nodings on.
+  Und she say, "Oh, Witler BUNGO,
+    Vhere you goes mit yourself alone?"
+
+  Und he says, "I rides mine high-horse,
+    Mit helmet und mit shpeer,
+  Till I gooms unto mine Gasthaus,[B]
+    Vhere I sells goot wine und peer."
+
+  [B] Tavern, or Wine Shop.
+
+  Und den outspoke de Maiden
+    Vot hadn't got nodings on:
+  "I ton't dink mooch of beoplesh
+    Dat cares for demselfs alone.
+
+  You'd petter coom down to de Wasser,--
+    'Tis de pest trink ash you'll see,--
+  Und haf a wholesome tinner
+    Mit Schlopp-Vash, along mit me."
+
+  "Dere you sees de fisch a-schwimmin!
+    Und dere healthy efery one."
+  So sang dis Wasser-Maiden,
+    Vot hadn't got nodings on.
+
+  "Your shtrong tipplesh cost mooch money,
+    Dere ish death in de trinks you've sold;
+  Und you helps yourself, by doonder,
+    To de Vorkmansh hard-earned gold.
+
+  "Shoost look at doze sodden wretches,
+    Vhite schlafes of de Witler Rings!
+  From dere 'trunks' you vill your pockets,
+    Und you rob dem like efery dings.
+
+  "Vot _dey_ vantsh mit your schnaps[C] und lager,
+    Vitrioled gin and doctored wine?
+  Smash your pottles, and preak your parrels,
+    Und try dese Schlopps of mine!"
+
+  [C] Drams, drinks.
+
+       * * *
+
+  Vill _dat_ fetch him! He standsh as shpellbound!
+    She vould pool his coat-tails down.
+  She von't draw _him_ oonder der Wasser--
+    Dat Maiden mit nodings on!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+Thank you, Mrs. HUNGERFORD (says the Baron, bowing his very best to the
+talented authoress), for one of the cheeriest, freshest, and
+sweetest--if I may be allowed to use the epithet--of one-volume'd
+stories I've read for many a day. The three daughters are delightful. I
+question whether you couldn't have done better with "two only, as are
+generally necessary;" but perhaps this is ungrateful on my part. Anyway,
+two out of the three lovers are scarcely worth mentioning, so I don't
+think I am far wrong, for the team was a bit unmanageable, well as you
+had them in hand. Excellent, too, is the sketch of _Dad_, though that of
+_Aunt Jane_ is a trifle too grotesque, and will, perforce, remind those
+of your readers, who are theatre-goers, of Mr. PENLEY in petticoats, now
+actually playing "_Charley's_" irresistibly comic _Aunt_ at the Globe
+Theatre. But it is all good, and not too good to be true. Likewise, my
+dear Madame, you have given us two life-like sketches, one of a
+car-driver with his vicious mare, and the other of _Molly's_ little dog.
+In conclusion, I congratulate you, Mrs. HUNGERFORD, as also the
+publisher, Mr. HEINEMANN, on having secured so good a specimen of the
+material for sale in this Hungerford market, says
+
+    THE BARON DE B.-W.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOME, CHEAP HOME!
+
+  "Thine be a cot beside a hill,"
+    Hums Mrs. HAWEIS in our ear;
+  "Such cots are in the market still,
+    At only thirty pounds a year.
+
+  "Then, as for furnishing the fold,
+    Another fifty pounds will do it;
+  But mind you stick to what is old,
+    Nor carry modern rubbish to it!
+
+  "Your chairs must all be Chippendale,
+    Your tables of the native oak,
+  Your sofas"--but of what avail!
+    To further urge this little joke?
+
+  For in this cot the chairs may be
+    Much chipped, but hardly Chippendale,
+  Unless the lady will agree
+    To costs "upon the _hire_ scale."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    Said a prim Bachelor, in a nasty temper, after a
+    struggle with an ultra-stiffened clean shirt, "I should
+    like to indict my laundress at the Old Bailey, charge
+    her with murdering my linen, and, as evidence, I'd
+    produce the mangled remains in Court."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    MRS. R. has been studying architecture, She says that
+    "all Schoolmasters' Houses ought to be built in the
+    Early Perpendicular Tutor style."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Illustration: "WHERE A FOOTMAN IS KEPT."
+
+    "BUT WHY DO YOU WANT TO LEAVE, SARAH? IT'S NOT A HARD
+    PLACE, AND JOHN DOES MOST OF YOUR WORK?"
+
+    "YES, MA'AM! BUT--A--JOHN HAS NO CONVERSATION?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LIQUID AIR.
+
+  A learned Professor, the other day,
+    At the Royal Institution,
+  Explained, in a quite scientific way,
+    How, helped by a contribution
+      From the Goldsmiths' Company, he'd prepare
+      Some liquid oxygen--you're aware
+      This is what plain English folks call "air"
+    Unspoilt by smoky pollution.
+
+  No doubt he meant well, and the Goldsmiths too,
+    In their noble work together;
+  But was it the very best thing to do,
+    In that showery, soaking weather;
+      When drizzle, or downpour, of dogs and cats,
+      From the "liquid air" made us all drowned rats,
+      And ruined our clothes and our best top-hats,
+    And spoilt boots of the stoutest leather?
+
+  Professors and Companies, if you would
+    Invent some sort of appliance
+  To dry "liquid air," on which we could
+    Repose implicit reliance,
+      Arranged to diminish this H_{2}O,
+      Which, as every schoolboy ought to know,
+      The Germans call _wasser_, the French call _eau_,
+    We should bless your chemical science.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    CON. FOR CAPITALISTS.
+
+    _Q._ Why is it clear the Sparrow is an advocate of Free
+    Competition?
+
+    _A._ Because his everlasting cry is, "Cheep-Cheep!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "THE GOTHENBURG SYSTEM."--Mrs. R. warmly espouses the
+    cause of Temperance. She is very strong on what she has
+    heard is called "The Gotobed System," in Sweden.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PILL-DOCTOR HERDAL.
+
+(_Translated from the Original Norwegian by Mr. Punch._)
+
+SECOND ACT.
+
+DR. HERDAL'S _Drawing-room and Dispensary, as before. It is early in the
+day._ Dr. HERDAL _sits by the little table, taking his own temperature
+with a clinical thermometer. By the door stands the_ New Book-keeper;
+_he wears blue spectacles and a discoloured white tie, and seems
+slightly nervous._
+
+_Dr. Herd._ Well, now you understand what is necessary. My late
+book-keeper, Miss BLAKDRAF, used to keep my accounts very cleverly--she
+charged every visit twice over.
+
+_The New B._ I am familiar with book-keeping by double entry. I was once
+employed at a Bank.
+
+_Dr. Herd._ I am discharging my assistant, too; he was always trying to
+push me out with his pills. Perhaps you will be able to dispense?
+
+_The New B._ (_modestly_). With an additional salary, I should be able
+to do that too.
+
+_Dr. Herd._ Capital! You _shall_ dispense with an additional salary. Go
+into the Dispensary, and see what you can make of it. You may mistake a
+few drugs at first--but everything must have a beginning.
+
+    [_As the_ New B. _retires,_ Mrs. HERDAL _enters in a hat
+    and cloak with a watering-pot, noiselessly._
+
+_Mrs. Herd._ Miss WANGEL got up early, before breakfast, and went for a
+walk. She is so wonderfully vivacious!
+
+_Dr. Herd._ So I should say. But tell me, ALINE, is she _really_ going
+to stay with us here?         [_Nervously._
+
+_Mrs. Herd._ (_looks at him_). So she tells me. And, as she has brought
+nothing with her except a tooth-brush and a powder-puff, I am going into
+the town to get her a few articles. We _must_ make her feel at home.
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_breaking out_). I _will_ make her not only _feel_, but
+_be_ at home, wherever that is, this very day! I will _not_ have a
+perambulating Allegory without a portmanteau here on an indefinite
+visit. I say, she shall go--do you hear, ALINE? Miss WANGEL will go!
+
+    [_Raps with his fist on table._
+
+_Mrs. Herd._ (_quietly_). If you say so, HAUSTUS, no doubt she will
+_have_ to go. But you must tell her so yourself.
+
+    [_Puts the watering-pot on the console table, and goes
+    out, as_ HILDA _enters, sparkling with pleasure._
+
+_Hilda_ (_goes up straight to him_). Good morning, Dr. HERDAL. I have
+just seen a pig killed. It was _ripping_--I mean, gloriously thrilling!
+And your wife has taken a tremendous fancy to me. Fancy _that_!
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_gloomily_). It _is_ eccentric certainly. But my poor dear
+wife was always a little----
+
+_Hilda_ (_nods her head slowly several times_). So _you_ have noticed
+that too? I have had a long talk with her. She can't get over your
+discharging Mr. KALOMEL--he is the only man who ever _really_ understood
+her.
+
+_Dr. Herd._ If I could only pay her off a little bit of the huge,
+immeasurable debt I owe her--but I can't!
+
+_Hilda_ (_looks hard at him_). Can't _I_ help you? I helped RAGNAR
+BROVIK. Didn't you know I stayed with him and poor little KAIA--after
+that accident to my Master Builder? I did. I made RAGNAR build me the
+loveliest castle in the air--lovelier, even, than poor Mr. SOLNESS'S
+would have been--and we stood together on the very top. The steps were
+rather too much for KAIA. Besides, there was no room for her on top. And
+he put towering spires on all his semi-detached villas. Only, somehow,
+they didn't let. Then the castle in the air tumbled down, and RAGNAR
+went into liquidation, and I continued my walking-tour.
+
+    [Illustration: "Beautiful rainbow-coloured powders that
+    will give one a real grip on the world!"]
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_interested against his will_). And where did you go after
+_that_, may I ask, Miss WANGEL?
+
+_Hilda._ Oh, ever so far North. There I met Mr. and Mrs. TESMAN--the
+second Mrs. TESMAN--she who was Mrs. ELVSTED, with the irritating hair,
+you know. They were on their honeymoon, and had just decided that it was
+impossible to reconstruct poor Mr. LOeVBORG'S great book out of Mrs.
+ELVSTED'S rough notes. But I insisted on GEORGE'S attempting the
+impossible--with Me. And what _do_ you think Mrs. TESMAN wears in her
+hair _now_?
+
+_Dr. Herd._ Why, really I could not say. Vine-leaves, perhaps.
+
+_Hilda._ Wrong--_straws!_ Poor TESMAN _didn't_ fancy that--so he shot
+himself, _un_-beautifully, through his ticket-pocket. And I went on and
+took Rosmersholm for the Summer. There had been misfortune in the house,
+so it was to let. Dear good old Rector KROLL acted as my reference; his
+wife and children had no sympathy with his views, so I used to see him
+every day. And I persuaded him, too, to attempt the impossible--he had
+never ridden anything but a rocking-horse in his life, but I made him
+promise to mount the White Horse of the Rosmersholms. He didn't get over
+_that_. They found his body, a fortnight afterwards, in the mill-dam.
+Thrilling!
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_shakes his finger at her_). What a girl you are, Miss
+WANGEL! But you mustn't play these games _here_, you know.
+
+_Hilda_ (_laughs to herself_). Of course not. But I suppose I _am_ a
+strange sort of bird.
+
+_Dr. Herd._ You are like a strong tonic. When I look at you I seem to be
+regarding an effervescing saline draught. Still, I really must decline
+to take you.
+
+_Hilda_ (_a little sulky_). That is not how you spoke ten years ago, up
+at the mountain station, when you were such a flirt!
+
+_Dr. Herd._ _Was_ I a flirt? Deuce take me if I remember. But I am not
+like that _now_.
+
+_Hilda._ Then you have really forgotten how you sat next to me at the
+_table d'hote_, and made pills and swallowed them, and were so splendid
+and buoyant and free that all the old women who knitted left next day?
+
+_Dr. Herd._ What a memory you have for trifles, Miss WANGEL, it's quite
+wonderful!
+
+_Hilda._ Trifles! There was no trifling on _your_ part. When you
+promised to come back in ten years, like a troll, and fetch me!
+
+_Dr. Herd._ Did I say all that? It _must_ have been _after table
+d'hote_!
+
+_Hilda._ It was. I was a mere chit then--only twenty-three; but I
+remember. And now _I_ have come for _you_.
+
+_Dr. Herd._ Dear, dear! But there is nothing of the troll about me now I
+have married Mrs. SOLNESS.
+
+_Hilda_ (_looking sharply at him_). Yes, I remember you were always
+dropping in to tea in those days.
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_seems hurt_). Every visit was duly put down in the ledger
+and charged for--as poor little SENNA will tell you.
+
+_Hilda._ Little SENNA? Oh, Dr. HERDAL, I believe there is a bit of the
+troll left in you still!
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_laughs a little_). No, no; my conscience is perfectly
+robust--always was.
+
+_Hilda._ Are you quite _quite_ sure that, when you went indoors with
+dear Mrs. SOLNESS that afternoon, and left me alone with my Master
+Builder, you did not foresee--perhaps wish--intend, even a little,
+that----H'm?
+
+_Dr. Herd._ That you would talk the poor man into clambering up that
+tower? You want to drag _Me_ into that business now!
+
+_Hilda_ (_teasingly_). Yes, I certainly think that then you went on
+exactly like a troll.
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_with uncontrollable emotion_). HILDA, there is not a
+corner of me safe from you! Yes, I see now that _must_ have been the way
+of it. Then I _was_ a troll in that, too! But isn't it terrible the
+price I have had to pay for it? To have a wife who----. No, I shall
+never roll a pill again--never, never!
+
+_Hilda_ (_lays her head on the stove, and answers as if half asleep_).
+No more pills? Poor Doctor HERDAL!
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_bitterly_). No--nothing but cosy commonplace grey powders
+for a whole troop of children.
+
+_Hilda_ (_lively again_). Not _grey_ powders! (_Quite seriously._) I will
+tell you what you shall make next. Beautiful rainbow-coloured powders
+that will give one a real grip on the world. Powders to make everyone
+free and buoyant, and ready to grasp at one's own happiness, to _dare_
+what one _would_. I will have you make them. I will--I _will!_
+
+_Dr. Herd._ H'm! I am not quite sure that I clearly understand. And then
+the ingredients--?
+
+_Hilda._ What stupid people all of you pill-doctors are, to be sure!
+Why, they will be _poisons_, of course!
+
+_Dr. Herd._ Poisons? Why in the world should they be _that_?
+
+_Hilda_ (_without answering him_). All the thrillingest, deadliest
+poisons--it is only such things that are wholesome, nowadays.
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_as if caught by her enthusiasm_). And I could colour them,
+too, by exposing them to rays cast through a prism. Oh, HILDA, how I
+have needed you all these years! For, you see, with _her_ it was
+impossible to discuss such things.          [_Embraces her._
+
+_Mrs. Herd._ (_enters noiselessly through hall-door_). I suppose,
+HAUSTUS, you are persuading Miss WANGEL to start by the afternoon
+steamer? I have bought her a pair of curling-tongs, and a packet of
+hair-pins. The larger parcels are coming on presently.
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_uneasily_). H'm! HILDA--Miss WANGEL I _should_ say--is
+kindly going to stay on a little longer, to assist me in some scientific
+experiments. You wouldn't understand them if I told you.
+
+_Mrs. Herd._ Shouldn't I, HAUSTUS? I daresay not.
+
+    [_The_ New Book-keeper _looks through the glass-door of
+    Dispensary._
+
+_Hilda_ (_starts violently and points--then in a whisper_). Who is
+_that_?
+
+_Dr. Herd._ Only the New Book-keeper and Assistant--a very intelligent
+person.
+
+_Hilda_ (_looks straight in front of her with a far-away expression, and
+whispers to herself_). I thought at first it was.... But no--_that_
+would be _too_ frightfully thrilling!
+
+_Dr. Herd._ (_to himself_). I'm turning into a regular old troll
+now--but I can't help myself. After all, I am only an elderly Norwegian.
+We are _made_ like that.... Rainbow powders--_real_ rainbow powders!
+With HILDA.... Oh, to have the joy of life once more!
+
+    [_Takes his temperature again as Curtain falls._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PROFESSOR WHITEWASH'S GUIDE TO HISTORY.
+
+_Question._ Who was WILLIAM the Conqueror? _Answer._ The Managing
+Director of an Exploration Company composed of the most respectable
+shareholders.
+
+_Q._ WILLIAM RUFUS, HENRY THE FIRST and RICHARD THE FIRST?
+
+_A._ RUFUS, a worthy son of a worthy father; HENRY, a scholar, who
+strongly objected to over-cramming; and RICHARD, a mild-mannered man,
+who modestly shrank from canonisation.
+
+_Q._ And what do you know about King JOHN?
+
+_A._ That he gave to a grateful country the Magna Charta.
+
+_Q._ And all the intermediate monarchs' being equally good, what have
+you to say about King HENRY THE EIGHTH?
+
+_A._ He was a model monarch, and worthy to be the father of MARY and
+ELIZABETH.
+
+_Q._ How about the Royal ladies you have last mentioned?
+
+_A._ The first had as large a mind as the other a heart.
+
+_Q._ What do you think of the STUART Family?
+
+_A._ It was famed for its fidelity, trustfulness, and gratitude.
+
+_Q._ Were WILLIAM and MARY, and ANNE, pleasant Monarchs?
+
+_A._ Most pleasant. As witty as they were beautiful.
+
+_Q._ And how about the GEORGES?
+
+_A._ All that could be desired--and more. Indeed, all our monarchs have
+been of the most exemplary character, against whom the most
+scandal-loving would utter no word of complaint.
+
+    [Illustration: The Professor.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ENGLISH-FRENCH EMBASSADORE AT THE MANSHUN HOUSE.
+
+    [Illustration]
+
+WELL, we've bin a going on much as usual at our grand old Manshun House
+under our trewly liberal LORD MARE, but I ain't had nothink werry new to
+tell about, till a few nites ago, when we had what I can truthfully call
+a reel staggerer, and no mistake. It seems as it's allers the custon,
+when a Embassadore, who has made hisself werry poplar, is gitting jest a
+leetle tired of us, and begins to si for Ome sweet Ome, for the
+principalest Gent in London to give him sitch a grand Bankwet as he
+ain't never seen afore, and ain't never likely for to see again. So the
+LORD MARE, hearing as the French Embassadore was in that werry dellicate
+sitiwation, arsked about three hundred of the most heminent Gents in all
+London to come to the Manshun House to meet him, and they all came, as
+in course they wood do, and that was one of the werry grandest Bankwets
+as regards silly brated Gests as ewen I ewer had the honner of waiting
+on.
+
+And now for the staggerers! Just to begin with, why the French
+Embassadore is no more a Frenchman than I am! for his name it's
+WODDINGTON, and so was his Father's before him, and strange to say,
+thanks, I spose, to the splendid dinner, _et setterer_, as was guv him,
+he acshally told us as he rowed in the Winning Boat at the Uniwersity
+Boat-race at Putney, ewer so many years ago! Werry like a Frenchman,
+suttenly, or, as I should prefer saying, werry like a Whale! Of course
+all the Gents present, being reel Gents, looked quite as if they
+beleeved it all; but, when he afterwards went on to say that his Grate
+Grandfather took his most religious and grayshus Majesty, KING CHARLES
+THE SECOND, right up into the Hoak Tree, and so saved his preshus life,
+I saw sum two or three of the werry hiest on 'em trying in wain to look
+quite serious, as if they bleeved it all; and one werry smart young
+feller near me said to his friend, "Why not call it the Hoax Tree"? I
+didn't kno quite what he meant, but they both had a quiet larf over it.
+
+    [Illustration: "Robaire" a la mode de Parry.]
+
+He gave us a few more staggerers, but not quite equal to the King
+Charles one, and of course we coud all make allowances for him, as it
+was his last chance in such a party as that was. But he made up for it
+all before he left, by speaking of the Grand Old Copperation as one of
+the werry noblest bodys in the world, and as having made its mark in the
+history of this great Country, and how artily he hoped it would continue
+and flurrish for ever! I don't suppose as there was any county
+counsellers among so distingwisht a Body, or I should like to know what
+they thort of the Embassadore's opinion of us! An I'm thinkin of wizitin
+Parry myself and cummin out strong. And wy not? They tell me it will
+make me kwite young again, for I shall go over there a helderly henglish
+waiter and reappear in Parry as a "garsong" which is french for "a young
+man."
+
+    ROBERT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BRIGHTON BOORS.
+
+    [MR. GLADSTONE was mobbed by an immense crowd on Sunday,
+    the 5th.]
+
+    O Brighton, it isn't a thing to be proud of
+      That people, the fat uns as well as the bony uns,
+    Should squeeze an old Gentleman, crushed in a crowd of Brightonians.
+
+    All watering-places you claim to be Queen of,
+      As proud as the Tyrians or the Sidonians?
+    Your manners don't match; such behaviour seems green of Brightonians.
+
+    You scare away visitors, who are affrighted
+      By folks rude as Goths, Huns, or wild Caledonians.
+    Such staring shows that in two ways you're short-sighted Brightonians.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.--CHATTO AND WINDUS have published, in handy form,
+cloth bound, and handsomely printed, an edition of JUSTIN MCCARTHY'S
+novels. There are, ten in all, going at half-a-crown a-piece, and well
+worth the money. The literary style is excellent--not a matter of course
+in the writing of novels--the tone wholesome, whilst on every page
+gleams the light of genuine, if gentle humour. In looking through the
+pages of this charming little library, my Baronite is inclined to regret
+that Mr. MCCARTHY should, to some extent, have given up to Politics what
+was meant for Literature.
+
+    B. DE B.-W.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Illustration: AN EFFECT OF SHYNESS.
+
+    _Proud Mamma._ "WHICH DO YOU THINK EFFY'S MOST LIKE, MR.
+    JINKS?--HER FATHER, OR ME?"
+
+    _Mr. Jinks._ "OH--A--I SHOULD SAY SHE'S A PLAIN LIKENESS
+    OF HER FATHER----I MEAN--A--HANDSOME LIKENESS OF HER
+    MOTHER--A--I MEAN--A--A----" [_Stammers hopelessly,
+    upsets his Tea, and wishes himself unborn._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ASSAULT!!
+
+_Beleaguers babble around the Battering-Ram:--_
+
+_Balfourius_ (_musingly_).          "Heroes tall
+              Dislodging pinnacle and parapet
+              Upon the tortoise creeping to the wall."
+
+_Chamberlainus_ (_sardonically_). Heroes tall, indeed! Have the
+distressed defenders of this untenable Citadel any such? GLADSTONIUS is
+a sort of hero, perhaps, but hardly tall; HARCOURTIUS is tall indeed,
+but no hero. Aha!
+
+_Saundersonius_ (_sharply_). Yes; and we have had too much of that
+"tortoise-creeping" business. Sharp's the word now, I hope. BALFOURIUS'S
+Battering-Ram--though the murderous ruffians--I mean excited
+politicians--_did_ denounce it, is better than all your tortoises!
+
+_Balfourius_ (_completing his quotation_). "Lances in ambush set."
+
+_Saundersonius._ Oh yes, they're all very well--in their way. A School
+of Strategy for our "young bloods," with secret _seances_,
+and--ahem!--_Fagin_-like rehearsals, is not a bad notion. But on the
+whole I agree with _Moloch_:--
+
+  "My sentence is for open war: of wiles,
+  More inexpert, I boast not: there let those
+  Contrive who need, or when they need, not now.
+  For while they sit contriving, shall the rest,
+  Millions that stand in arms, and longing wait
+  The signal to arise, sit lingering here,
+  Prisoners of his tyranny who reigns
+  By our delay? No, let us rather choose,
+  Arm'd with hell-flames and fury all at once,
+  O'er these high towers to force resistless way,
+  Turning Obstruction into horrid arms
+  Against the Obstructor; when to meet the noise
+  Of his 'iniquitous' engine, he shall hear
+  Ulsterian thunder; and for lightning set
+  Green fire and rockets shot with equal rage
+  Among his 'items;' and his seat itself
+  Shake with Tartarean tactics, 'dirty tricks,'
+  His own invented dodges."
+
+_Grandolphus_ (_tugging at Balfourius's tunic-tails_). Ha! ha! ha! Well
+quoted, my Orange-plumed Hyperborean hero! (_Aside: I must read up the
+bards a bit. Didn't know they were so practically pertinent. How handy
+that_ "_senesque_" _bit came in the other day!_)
+
+_Balfourius_ (_fidgeting_). I say, GRANDOLPHUS, if you'd tug at the rope,
+instead of my tails, I fancy you'd tire me less, and have more effect on
+the Ram.
+
+_Grandolphus_ (_cheerily_). Ah, my old friend, I assure you I intend to
+stick to _you_ "loyally and unhesitatingly."
+
+_Balfourius_ (_drily_). Oh--_thanks!!!_
+
+_Chamberlainus._ Never _were_ such a United lot as we are:
+
+    (_Sings sotto voce._)
+
+  _For I love dear_ B. _as a brother, I do,_
+      _And dear_ B. _he worships me;_
+  _But we'll both be blowed if we'll either be stowed_
+      _In the other chap's hold, you see!_
+
+_Balfourius._ What's that you say?
+
+_Chamberlainus._ Oh, merely humming "Birds in their little nests agree."
+
+_Balfourius._ Ah, as the Chief says, there'll be plenty of opportunity
+for personal sacrifice and pulling together before we're through with
+this siege. To work this Battering-Ram with effect, unanimity and
+simultaneity of effort are especially essential.
+
+_Saundersonius._ Quite so! So bear a hand--_at the rope_, GRANDOLPHUS,
+if you please. Now then, boys--_all together!!!_ BANG!!!!!!
+
+_Grand Old Voice_ (_from within_). "When they _do_ agree, their
+unanimity is wonderful." Wonder if that gate will stand the shock! Must
+disable that Rampant Ram of theirs--somehow.
+
+    [_Left keeping his eye on 'em._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    SUFFICIENTLY ANTIQUE.--Said TOMKINS, "I won't say my
+    ancestors were in this Country before the Flood, _but_
+    they came in with the High Tide."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Illustration: THE ASSAULT!!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Illustration: TRIALS OF A CONVALESCENT.
+
+    _Tompkins_ (_in a feeble voice, for the fourth or fifth
+    time, with no result_). "CHAIRMAN!!! CHAIRMAN!!!"
+
+    _That Awful Boy._ "LYDIES AND GENTLEMEN----!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A FYTTE OF THE BLUES.
+
+BY AN OLD "CROCK."
+
+    (_After reading the rattling verses of_ "Tis," _entitled
+    "Good Luck!" in the "Granta."_)
+
+  Good old _Granta_! They set the blood glowing,
+    Your verse-grinder's galloping lines,
+  There seems rare inspiration in Rowing!
+    The Muse, who politely declines
+  To patronise pessimist twitters,
+    Has smiled on these stanzas, which smack
+  Of health, honest zeal, foaming "bitters,"
+    And vigour of brain and of back.
+
+  Good luck to the Light Blues! That burden
+    Befits rattling rhymes from the Cam,
+  Their "movement" might rouse a Dame DURDEN,
+    Or fire a cold victim of cram.
+  Why it stirs up "old Crocks" to peruse 'em--
+    Slashing lines on "a slashing octette"--
+  They feel, though 'tis hard to "enthuse" 'em,
+    There _must_ be some life in 'em yet.
+
+  Old Crocks! Oh, exuberant younkers!
+    You "guy" "the old gang" as "played out,"
+  As fogies, and fussers, and funkers,
+    You've over-much reason, no doubt.
+  But, great Scott! as your rowing-rhymes rattle
+    And lilt lyric praise of the Crews,
+  We too sniff the air of the battle!
+    We too have a Fit of the Blues.
+
+  It's oh! just to "swing behind LEWIS,"
+    A "youngster as strong as an ox"!
+  Or be one who true Boss of the Crew is,--
+    Your "pet Palinurus"--the Cox!
+  To feel all the blood in one glowing,
+    And--heedless of love, toil, and "tin"--
+  Know naught in creation save--Rowing.
+    Deems nothing worth much save--a WIN!
+
+  Five minutes, my boys, of such feeling,
+    When rivals look beaten and blown,
+  When the nose of your ship is just stealing
+    Ahead, when your muscles have grown
+  To thews, that--_pro tem._--are Titanic,
+    Are worth a whole year of _our_ lives,
+  Whose waistbands are--well, Aldermanic,
+    Who've wrinkles, and worries, and wives!
+
+  Well, here's to the two tints of azure,
+    The Dark Blue as well as the Light!
+  At least there's one thing we can say sure,--
+    There'll be no blue funk in their fight.
+  And here's to the Bard of the _Granta_,
+    Who sings without "side," "sniff," or "shop."
+  May he live (if he wish it), to plant a
+    Big bay on Parnassus's top!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TIM O'HOWLIGAN'S LAMENT.
+
+    AIR--"_Arrah! darlints, we can't do without ye!"_
+
+  AH! shure boys, the world has gone crazy,
+    And there's plinty of throuble in shtore,
+  Ivery mornin' I wake up onaisy
+    Bekase I can't shleep any more.
+  'Twas CROMWELL, bad scran to 'im, done it,
+    Him that murdhered King CHARLES, ochone!
+  And since the black villin begun it
+    Ould Erin's done nothing but groan,
+                  And moan,
+    It would soften the heart of a shtone.
+
+  By the poker, I'm boilin' with passion
+    Whin I think of the laws that they make;
+  At a fair the bhoys heads ye can't smash in,
+    Nor get dacently dhrunk at a wake.
+  There's only twelve pince in a shillin',
+    And not more than two pints in a quart,
+  Onless you are cliver at fillin',
+    And can make it hould more than it ought.
+                  Don't be caught,
+    Or, be jabers, they'll make you pay for't.
+
+  Where's the kings and the princes of Erin
+    That lived on purtaties and point,
+  And niver saw year out and year in
+    The divil a taste of a joint?
+  Thim toirants now buy all our bacon,
+    And the linen, and butther, and that,
+  All that grows in the counthry is taken
+    From Antrim to Mullinavat.
+                  Poor Pat
+    Has to sell at a profut, that's flat.
+
+  Well, honies, I'll give ye a hint,
+    And let ivery one do it who can;
+  When the bag of thirteens is all spint,
+    Set up for a Parliament man.
+  Thim's the boys that gets lashins of drinkin',
+    And they dine wanst a week wid the Queen,
+  Where the glasses are niver done clinkin',
+    Wid the Royalties jokin' and spreein',
+                  Jubileein',
+    And such doins as niver was seen.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    A COMPLAINT AND SIMPLE REMEDY.--
+
+    Among the Requests in our ecclesiastical contemporary,
+    _The Guardian_, recently appeared one asking for an
+    effectual way of "_exterminating dry rot, and preventing
+    its re-appearance in a church_." Why doesn't the
+    reverend inquirer try somebody else's Sermons? Or have
+    no Sermons at all?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    NOTHING more delights our old friend than to get hold of
+    a real good word, and use it with effect. "I wish I knew
+    what is going to win the Derby this year," observed her
+    Niece. "Ah, my dear," replied her Aunt, "I might be able
+    to tell you if I were a Vaccinator."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    BEST DAY IN THE WEEK FOR MAKING A PROPOSAL OF
+    MARRIAGE.--In London, Monday is the most appropriate, as
+    being dedicated to the "Monday Pops."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Illustration: _Mr. Moriarty._ "LOOK HERE, ADA, HOW MUCH
+    LONGER, FOR GOODNESS' SAKE, ARE YE GOIN' TO BE DRESSIN'
+    YOURSELF?"
+
+    _Voice from the Heights._ "ONLY TEN MINUTES, DEAR!"
+
+    _Mr. Moriarty._ "WELL, ALL I CAN SAY IS, IF I'VE GOT TO
+    WAIT HERE TEN MINUTES, I'LL--I'LL BE OFF THIS BLESSED
+    MOMENT!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Illustration: "SCENES IN THE LOBBY."
+
+    DESIGN FOR OUR OWN HISTORICAL PAINTER.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, March 6._--"The SPEAKER took the Chair at
+three o'clock." That is an extract from the _Journals of the House_, a
+fascinating literary work, ably edited by Mr. PALGRAVE with the
+assistance of Mr. MILMAN, much in favour at MUDIE'S. Last time I saw
+SPEAKER rise from Chair was Banquet at Mansion House given by way of
+farewell to M. WADDINGTON. Very remarkable scene it was. In ordinary
+times SPEAKER of House of Commons is personally unknown to outside
+public. He takes no part in debate; never goes on Midlothian Campaigns;
+belongs to no faction; has no political following; and should have no
+enemy. British public, regarding with close attention the fascinating
+arena at Westminster, have evidently formed clear opinion of its present
+President. When list of guests whom LORD MAYOR delighted to honour read
+out by Toastmaster, name of SPEAKER received with enthusiastic and
+prolonged applause. House of Commons men present, of whom there was
+large muster, evidently taken by surprise. They know the SPEAKER,
+because they daily live with him. How outside public should have been
+seized with such keen appreciation of his worth was more than they were
+prepared for.
+
+This may have been, probably was, to some extent a _succes d'estime_.
+Mr. PEEL'S speech was genuine triumph; very brief, the shortest of the
+series, but incomparably the best; lofty in tone, perfect in delivery,
+saying just the right thing at the right moment in the right way. Its
+effect at Mansion House something like that which electrified House when
+Mr. PEEL, standing on steps of Chair, faced it for first time as its
+SPEAKER, revealing, even to those who had known him long, the full
+depths of his nature and the towering height of his capacity.
+
+"_Mon Dieu_, TOBEE," said an eminent Frenchman, "the world in both
+hemispheres has always envied you the possession of your House of
+Commons. Now we know you have a Speaker worthy of its best traditions."
+
+Banquet a great success; certainly the most brilliant galaxy of guests
+drawn together in same place since Mr. PHELPS, the American Minister,
+said farewell in memorable speech. Much struck with completeness of
+arrangements. Even the waiters imbued with consciousness of great
+occasion.
+
+"Hope you enjide your dinner, Sir?" said one to me, when dessert placed
+on table.
+
+"Excellent," I said; "perhaps the whitebait done a little too much;
+showed tendency to present itself in fragments; but 'twas nothing."
+
+"Yessir," said the Waiter, diligently brushing off imaginary crumbs.
+"I'm going now, Sir."
+
+"Ah," I said; "then I suppose you don't wait to hear the speeches; flow
+of reason, you know, quite a treat."
+
+"Yessir," said he, still pegging away at the spotless table-cloth. "Can
+I get you anything more, Sir?"
+
+"No, thank you," I said, quite touched at the man's considerate
+attention, the more marked since, as far as I recognised him, I had not
+seen him before. "I've done excellently."
+
+"Yessir. I'm going now." Hardly seemed able to part. Not sure whether,
+in circumstances of international amity, I shouldn't have shaken hands
+with him. Made half advance in that direction. He quickly advanced his
+hand, but after glance at my extended palm, as rapidly withdrew it.
+Perhaps he was right. Not usual to shake hands with Waiter, though
+really, on occasion like this, one might disregard conventionalities.
+Waiter lingeringly withdrew, still keeping his eye on me, as if
+expecting me to call him back. Nodded a friendly farewell, and pensively
+peeled an orange, thinking how one touch of nature makes us kin. This
+good Waiter and I quite subdued by the graceful, generous thought of
+Lord Mayor KNILL, who has added one more link to the chain that binds in
+amity two nations that have fought all the way from Cressy to Waterloo.
+
+_Business done._--Got into Committee on Navy Estimates. In the Lobby
+sort of rehearsal of new Battle of Boyne. The other night SAUNDERSON
+said something disrespectful of Irish Members. WILLIE REDMOND, from his
+proud position among nobility and gentry above Gangway, called out, "You
+wouldn't say that in the Lobby." "Say it anywhere," responded the
+Colonel, ever ready to oblige.
+
+Next day wrote letter to REDMOND, incidentally mentioning that if he
+wanted to hear the words over again, should meet him in Lobby to-night
+after questions. Nothing nearer REDMOND'S heart's desire. At five
+o'clock Colonel, accompanied by another military gentleman, carrying his
+cloak, a pair of pistols, a stiletto, a bottle of _eau de Cologne_, a
+sponge, and a clothes-brush, sternly strode into Lobby. Carefully
+counted paces till he was standing as nearly as possible on centre tile;
+folded arms, and wished that Night or REDMOND would come. Colonel
+WARING, with military accoutrements and cloak; stood a pace and a half
+to the left rear. Presently entered REDMOND, accompanied by J. J.
+O'KELLY, also carrying cloak. Secreted in folds were shillelagh, bottle
+of whiskey, pair of spurs, a toothpick, and a freshly-minted
+crown-piece. This last, at suitable moment, to be flung across Lobby;
+(friend secretly told off to be on alert to pick it up.) Action to be
+explained as typical of throwing King's Crown into the Boyne. The
+principals approaching, REDMOND, after manner of schoolboys, who edge up
+to each other, each hoping the other doesn't want to fight, asked
+Colonel to "say it again." "Certainly; but say what?" Here difficulty
+began, which spoiled whole business. REDMOND insisted upon being called
+a murderer. SAUNDERSON punctilious on minor points, wouldn't go quite so
+far in his desire to oblige. Angry altercation followed; Members, to
+number of something like hundred, formed ring. REDMOND, with right
+shoulder aggressively hoisted, spoke over it at the Colonel. Colonel
+stood erect, with hands loosely hanging by his side, ready for
+emergencies. Crowd grew thicker and more excited. "Expected every moment
+would be our next," as CLANCY breathlessly put it. But in the end storm
+blew itself out. Nothing happened, and crowd disappointedly dispersed.
+
+  Ulster will fight,
+  But----_not to-night._
+
+_Thursday._--Opposition mustered to-day in high spirits; meeting at
+Carlton yesterday addressed by MARKISS and Prince ARTHUR; GRANDOLPH,
+looking in, took back seat in his customary retiring fashion. Meeting
+insisted on his coming to the front; made spirited speech; scarcely a
+dry eye in the Club when, looking shyly across at Prince ARTHUR, he
+alluded to him as his "old political friend," his "brilliant and
+esteemed Parliamentary Leader."
+
+"I think," said the MARKISS, as meeting dispersed, "this will drive nail
+in coffin of Home-Rule Bill, and make things pretty hot for Mr. G. As
+HART DYKE epigrammatically puts it, 'We Unionists, above all others,
+should be united.'"
+
+This, as I mentioned, happened yesterday. This afternoon Opposition
+mustered in anticipation of aggressive action by Mr. G. Had given notice
+to move suspension of Twelve o'Clock Rule, in order to make progress
+with Estimates.
+
+"Not if we know it," said Right Hon. JAMES LOWTHER, commonly called
+"JEMMIE."
+
+Mr. G., previous to moving Resolution, explained there was no intention
+of sitting late; Suspension Standing Order was matter of precaution
+designed to prevent arbitrary carrying over of Amendments when
+adequately discussed. Prince ARTHUR'S keen eye discerned that this might
+be so construed as to convey no advantage to Government. When twelve
+o'clock came Debate might be diverged on to lines of wrangle round
+Question of Adjournment, and so House up and nothing done. On this
+understanding he declared he would not resist Motion of Leader of House.
+Then JEMMIE, rushing to the front, made the running. Did Mr. G. intend,
+in any case, to take Second Reading of Home-Rule Bill on Thursday next?
+Mr. G. nodded assent. "Very well, then I'll divide against you," JEMMIE
+roared across the pained figure of his esteemed Leader. Not to be moved
+by blandishment or argument from this position. Prince ARTHUR, seeing
+matters hopeless, haughtily strode forth, GRANDOLPH loyally accompanying
+him. But more than half his old colleagues stayed behind with JEMMIE
+LOWTHER who got Opposition soundly beaten by majority of 85.
+
+"There's only one thing we want to run our majority over 100," said
+SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, smiling beneficently from Treasury Bench. "Another
+meeting of the Party at the Carlton Club will do it."
+
+"What did you mean by to-night's performance?" I asked JEMMIE, later.
+
+"Mean? I meant business. I'm a little tired of lurking in background
+seeing men come to front who haven't half my ability, political acumen,
+or Parliamentary knowledge. I intend to have a Party of my own. There
+has been a Fourth Party, and before that there was a Tea-room Party, and
+a Cave of Adullam. I shall eclipse them all."
+
+"And under what name do you think history will know your faction?" I
+asked, much interested.
+
+The Right Hon. took up a piece of paper, and on it wrote the words,
+"LOWTHER'S ARCADE."
+
+_Business done._--WOLMER'S Amendment on the Navy Estimates negatived.
+
+_Friday._--Prince ARTHUR, and Statesman to whom AUSTEN CHAMBERLAIN
+distantly alludes as "My Right Hon. friend," sit separated by width of
+House. But, in assaults on Government, they are not divided. Idle
+stories about differences of opinion arising between them quite
+unnecessarily denied.
+
+"I never look at them," said TREVELYAN, "without recalling to mind a
+passage in what is, I think, my favourite among DICKENS'S novels. You
+remember the scene in _Great Expectations_, where _Joe Gargery_ visits
+_Pip_, in his day of prosperity, in London? 'Ever best of friends,' says
+JOE (CHAMBERLAIN). 'Dear JOE,' says Prince ARTHUR. 'You know, PIP,' says
+JOE, 'as you and me were ever friends, and it were looked forrerd to
+betwixt us as bein' calc'lated to lead to larks.'"
+
+The expectation not lacking of past fulfilment; full of promise in days
+near at hand.
+
+_Business done._--Sat from two to seven discussing whether we shall sit
+to-morrow in order to make progress with public business. Finally
+decided we shall. Meanwhile, morning sitting slipped away.
+
+    [Illustration: "GREAT EXPECTATIONS."
+
+    ["As persistent attempts are being made to show that Mr.
+    BALFOUR and Mr. CHAMBERLAIN are at variance respecting
+    the tactics which should be adopted by the Unionist
+    Party in Opposition, we may state that more thorough
+    accord never existed than at the present moment."--_The
+    Times, March 8, 1893._]
+
+    _Gargery Chamberlain._ "You know, PIP, as you and me
+    were ever the best of Friends!"
+
+    _Balfour Pip._ "Dear JO!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VINO ITALIANO CON TEMPERANZA.--Signor VITALI, of the
+Italian-Wine-in-England Mission, writes to us to say that Sir WILFRID
+LAWSON might temper his favourite beverage of _Aqua Pura_ with half a
+gallon flask of _Vinum Purum Italianum_, such as Chianti, and he would
+be none the worse for it. We are inclined to agree with the Signor
+VITALI, as, in our opinion, there is small likelihood of any Italian
+wine-drinker "getting any forrader." Of course Signor VITALI, being
+somewhat interested in the matter, and therefore, most hopeful that his
+enterprise will result in orders for any number of flasks, and not end
+in an empty _fiasco_, would not fail to point out that Italian wine is
+likely to have a prolonged existence in this country, as it is not
+lacking in Vitali-ty.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TONE AND TINT.--(By a Wearer of the Green.)
+
+  YOUR Orangeman swears--he's a terrible fellow!--
+  They shan't set the Green o'er his favourite Yellow.
+  His shout's "No surrender!" And is he so Green
+  As to think we'll turn Yellow because of his spleen?
+  No, no! He may vow in his last ditch he'll die,
+  But--we're not to be scared by a _Hue_ and a _Cry_!
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+104, March 18, 1893, by Various
+
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