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+***The Project Gutenberg Etext of Miss Civilization, by Davis***
+#12 in our series by Richard Harding Davis
+
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+Miss Civilization
+
+by Richard Harding Davis
+
+May, 1999  [Etext #1742]
+
+
+***The Project Gutenberg Etext of Miss Civilization, by Davis***
+******This file should be named miscv10.txt or miscv10.zip******
+
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+VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, miscv10a.txt
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+
+
+MISS CIVILIZATION
+
+A COMEDY IN ONE ACT
+
+
+
+"Miss Civilization" is founded on a story by the late James Harvey
+Smith.  All professional rights in this play belong to Richard
+Harding Davis.  Amateurs who desire to produce "Miss 
+Civilization" may do so, providing they apply for permission to 
+the editor of Collier's Weekly, in which publication this play was
+first printed.
+
+
+PEOPLE IN THE PLAY
+
+
+ALICE GARDNER:  Daughter of James K. Gardner, President of the L.I.
+& W. Railroad
+
+"UNCLE" JOSEPH HATCH:  Alias "Gentleman Joe"
+
+"BRICK" MEAKIN:  Alias "Reddy, the Kid"
+
+HARRY HAYES:  Alias "Grand Stand" Harry
+
+CAPTAIN LUCAS:  Chief of Police
+
+Policemen, Brakemen, Engineers
+
+
+
+
+Scene--The dining room in the country house of James K. Gardner
+on Long Island.  In the back wall is a double doorway opening into
+a hall.  A curtain divided in the middle hangs across the entrance. 
+On the wall on either side of the doorway are two electric lights,
+and to the left is a telephone.  Further to the left is a
+sideboard.  On it are set silver salvers, candlesticks, and
+Christmas presents of silver.  They still are in the red flannel
+bags in which they arrived.  In the left wall is a recessed window
+hung with curtains.  Against the right wall is a buffet on which is
+set a tea-caddy, toast-rack, and tea kettle.  Below the buffet a
+door opens into the butler's pantry.  A dinner table stands well
+down the stage with a chair at each end and on either side.  Two
+chairs are set against the back wall to the right of the door.  The
+walls and windows are decorated with holly and mistletoe and
+Christmas wreaths tied with bows of scarlet ribbon.  When the
+window is opened there is a view of falling snow.  At first the
+room is in complete darkness.
+
+The time is the day after Christmas, near midnight.
+
+After the curtain rises, one hears the noise of a file scraping 
+on iron.  It comes apparently from outside the house at a point
+distant from the dining room.  The filing is repeated cautiously,
+with a wait between each stroke, as though the person using the
+file had paused to listen.
+
+Alice Gardner enters at centre, carrying a lighted candle in a
+silver candlestick.  She wears a dressing gown, with swan's down
+around her throat and at the edges of her sleeves.  Her feet are
+in bedroom slippers topped with fur.  Her hair hangs down in a
+braid.  After listening intently to the sound of the file, she
+places candle on sideboard and goes to telephone.  She speaks in a
+whisper.
+
+ALICE:
+Hello, Central.  Hello, Central.
+(Impatiently)
+Wake up!  Wake up!  Is that you, Central?  Give me the station
+agent at Bedford Junction--quick.  What?  I CAN'T speak louder. 
+Well, you MUST hear me.  Give me the station agent at Bedford
+Junction.  No, there's always a man there all night.  Hurry,
+please, hurry.  
+(There is a pause, during which the sound of the file grows louder. 
+Alice listens apprehensively.)
+Hello, are you the station agent?  Good!  Listen!  I am Miss
+Gardner, James K. Gardner's daughter.  Yes, James K. Gardner, the
+president of the road.  This is his house.  My mother and I are
+here alone.  There are three men trying to break in.  Yes,
+burglars, of course.  My mother is very ill.  If they frighten her
+the shock might--might be very serious.  Wake up the crew, and send
+the wrecking train here--at once.  Send--the--crew--of--the--
+wrecking train here--quick.  What?  Then fire up an engine and get
+it here as fast as you can.
+
+VOICE:
+(calling from second story)
+Alice!
+
+ALICE:
+(at telephone)
+Yes, you have.  The up-track's clear until "52" comes along. 
+That's not until--
+
+VOICE:
+(Louder)
+Alice!
+
+ALICE:
+(with dismay)
+Mother!
+(At telephone)
+Hello, hold the wire.  Don't go away!
+(Runs to curtains, parts them, and looks up as though speaking to
+some one at top of stairs)
+Mother, why AREN'T you in bed?
+
+VOICE:
+Is anything wrong, Alice?
+
+ALICE:
+No, dear, no.  I just came down to--get a book I forgot.  Please go
+back, dearest.
+
+VOICE:
+I heard you moving about.  I thought you might be ill.
+
+ALICE:
+No, dearest, but YOU'LL be very ill if you don't keep in bed. 
+Please, mother--at once.  It's all right, it's all right.
+
+VOICE:
+Yes, dear.  Good night.
+
+ALICE:
+Good night, mother.
+(Returns quickly to telephone)
+Hello!  Hello!  Stop the engine at the foot of our lawn.  Yes, yes,
+at the foot of our lawn.  And when you have the house surrounded,
+when the men are all around the house, blow three whistles so I'll
+know you're here.  What?  Oh, that's all right.  The burglars will
+be here.  I'LL see to that.  All YOU have to do is to GET here.  If
+you don't you, you'll lose your job!  I say, if you don't, you'll
+lose your job, or I'm not the daughter of the president of this
+road.  NOW, YOU JUMP!  And--wait--hello
+(turns from telephone)
+He's jumped.
+
+(The file is now drawn harshly across the bolt of the window of the
+dining room, and a piece of wood snaps.  With an exclamation, Alice
+blows out the candle and exits.  The shutters of the windows are
+opened, admitting the faint glow of moonlight.  The window is
+raised and the ray of a dark lantern is swept about the room. 
+HATCH appears at window and puts one leg inside.  He is an elderly
+man wearing a mask which hides the upper half of his face, a heavy
+overcoat, and a derby hat.  But for the mask he might be mistaken
+for a respectable man of business.  A pane of glass falls from the
+window and breaks on the sill.)
+
+HATCH:
+(Speaking over his shoulder)
+Hush!  Be careful, can't you?
+(He enters.  He is followed by "GRAND STAND" HARRY, a younger man
+of sporting appearance.  He also wears a mask, and the brim of his
+gray alpine hat is pulled over his eyes.  Around his throat he
+wears a heavy silk muffler).
+It's all right.  Come on.  Hurry up, and close those shutters.
+
+HARRY:
+(to REDDY outside)
+Give me the bag, Reddy.
+
+(REDDY appears at window.  He is dressed like a Bowery tough.  His
+face is blackened with burnt cork.  His hair is of a brilliant red. 
+He wears an engineer's silk cap with visor.  To HARRY he passes a
+half-filled canvas bag.  On his shoulder he carries another.  On
+entering he slips and falls forward on the floor).
+
+HATCH:
+Confound you!
+
+HARRY:
+Hush, you fool.
+
+HATCH:
+Has he broken anything?
+
+REDDY:
+(on floor, rubbing his head)
+I've broke my head.
+
+HATCH:
+That's no loss.  Has he smashed that silver?
+
+HARRY:
+(feeling in bag)
+It feels all right.
+
+(HATCH cautiously parts curtains at centre and exits into hall.)
+
+REDDY:
+(lifts bag)
+We got enough stuff in this bag already without wasting time on
+ANOTHER house.
+
+HARRY:
+Wasting time!  Time's money in THIS house.  Look at this silver. 
+That's the beauty of working the night AFTER Christmas; everybodys'
+presents is lying about loose, and everybody's too tired
+celebrating to keep awake.
+(Lifts silver loving cup)
+Look at that cup!
+
+REDDY:
+I'd rather look at a cup of coffee.
+
+HARRY:
+(Contemptuously)
+Ah, you!
+
+REDDY:
+Well, I can't make a meal out of silver ice pitchers, can I?  I've
+been through three refrigerators tonight, and nothing in any of em
+but bottles of MILK!  MILK!
+
+HARRY:
+Get up, get up, get to work.
+
+REDDY:
+The folks in this town are the stingiest I ever see.  I won't visit
+em again, no matter how often they ask me.
+(Rising and crossing to buffet)
+I wonder if these folks is vegetarians, too.
+
+(HATCH enters)
+
+HATCH:
+It seems all right.  There's no light, and everybody's quiet.
+(To HARRY)
+You work the bedrooms.  I'll clear away those things.  Don't be
+rough, now.
+
+HARRY:
+I know my business.  Give me the light.
+(Takes lantern and exits centre)
+
+HATCH:
+Hist, Reddy.  Reddy, leave that alone.  That's not safe.
+(Removes silver from sideboard to bag).
+
+REDDY:
+I know it ain't, governor.  I'm lookin' for somethin' to eat.
+(He kneels in front of buffet, and opens door.)
+
+HATCH:
+No, you're not!  You're not here to eat.  Come and give me a hand
+with this stuff.
+
+REDDY:
+Gee!  I've found a bottle of whiskey.
+(Takes bottle from buffet and begins to pull at the cork.)
+
+HATCH:
+Well, you put it right back where you found it.
+
+REDDY:
+I know a better place than that to put it.
+
+HATCH:
+How many times have I told you I'll not let you drink in business
+hours?
+
+REDDY:
+Oh, just once, governor; it's a cruel, cold night. 
+(Coughs.)
+I need it for medicine.
+
+HATCH:
+No, I tell you!
+
+REDDY:
+Just ONE dose.  Here's to you.
+(Drinks.)
+Oh, Lord! 
+(He sputters and coughs violently.)
+
+HATCH:
+(starts toward him)
+Hush!  Stop that, you fool.
+
+REDDY:
+Oh, Im poisoned!  That's benzine, governor.  What do you think of
+that?  Benzine!  It's burned me throat out.
+
+HATCH:
+I wish it had burned your tongue out!  CAN'T you keep still?
+
+REDDY:
+Oh, Lord!  Oh, Lord!  Think of a man puttin' benzine in a whiskey
+bottle!  That's dishonest, that is.  Using a revenue stamp twice is
+defraudin' the Government.  I could have him arrested for that.
+(Pause.)
+If I wanted to.
+(Pause.)
+But I don't want to.
+
+HATCH:
+Oh, quit that--and come here.  Get out the window, and I'll hand
+the bag to you.  Put it under the seat of the wagon, and cover it
+up with the lap robe.
+
+(REDDY steps to centre door and, parting the curtains, leans into
+the hall beyond, listening.)
+
+REDDY:
+Go slow.  I ain't to leave here till Harry is safe on the ground
+floor again.
+
+HATCH:
+Don't you worry about Harry.  He won't get into trouble.
+
+REDDY:
+Sure HE won't.  It's ME and YOU he'll get into trouble.  You hadn't
+ought to send HIM to do second-story work.
+
+HATCH:
+(Contemptuously)
+No?
+
+REDDY:
+No; he's too tender-hearted.  A second-story worker ought to use
+his gun.
+
+HATCH:
+Oh, you!  You'll fire your gun too often some day.
+
+REDDY:
+No, I won't.  I did once, but I didn't do it again for six years. 
+But Harry--ah, he's too tender-hearted.  If Harry was a chicken
+thief, before he'd wring a chicken's neck he'd give it laughing
+gas.  Why, you remember the lady that woke up and begged him to
+give her back a gold watch because it belonged to her little
+girl who was dead.  Well--it turned out the little girl wasn't
+dead.  It turned out the little girl was a big boy, alive and
+kicking--especially kicking.  He kicked me into a rose bush.
+
+HATCH:
+That'll do.  Harry's learning his trade.  He'll pick it up in time.
+
+REDDY:
+About time he picked up something.  Remember the Gainesville Bank;
+where he went away leaving ten thousand dollars in the back of the
+safe.  "Why didn't he pick THAT up?
+
+HATCH:
+Because it wasn't there.  Bank directors always say that--to make
+us feel bad.  Hush!
+
+(HARRY enters, carrying his silk muffler, which now is wrapped
+about a collection of jewels and watches.)
+
+HATCH:
+That's quick work.  What did you get?
+
+HARRY:
+Some neck strings, and rings, and two watches.
+
+(He spreads the muffler on the table.  The three men examine the
+jewelry.)
+
+HATCH:
+That looks good.  Who's up there?
+
+HARRY:
+Only an old lady and a young girl in the room over this.  And she's
+a beauty, too.
+(Sentimentally.)
+Sleeping there just as sweet and peaceful--
+
+REDDY:
+Ah, why don't you give her back HER watch?  Maybe she's ANOTHER
+dead daughter.
+
+HATCH:
+That's all right, Harry.  That's good stuff.  Pick up that bag,
+Reddy.  We can go now.
+
+(HARRY places muffler and jewels in an inside coat pocket.  REDDY
+takes up the dark lantern.)
+
+REDDY:
+Go?  Not till I've got something to eat.
+
+HATCH:
+No, you don't.  You can wait till later for something to eat.
+
+REDDY:
+Yes, I can wait till later for something to eat, but I can wait
+better if I eat now.
+(Exit into pantry.)
+
+HATCH:
+Confound him.  If I knew the roads around here as well as he does,
+I'd drive off and leave him.  That appetite of his will send us to
+jail some day.
+
+HARRY:
+Well, to tell the truth, governor, a little supper wouldn't hurt my
+feelings.
+(Goes to buffet.)
+I wonder where old man Gardner keeps his Havanas?  I'd like a
+Christmas present of a box of cigars.  Are there any over here?
+
+HATCH:
+I didn't look.  I gave up robbing tills when I was quite a boy.
+(Carries bag toward window and looks out.)
+
+HARRY:
+(Takes box of cigars from buffet)
+Ah, here they are. 
+(With disgust.)
+Domestics!  What do you think of that?  Made in Vermont.  The 
+"Admiral Dewey" cigar.  Gee!  What was the use of Dewey's taking
+Manila, if I've got to smoke Vermont cigars?
+
+(REDDY enters, carrying tray with food and a bottle.)
+
+REDDY:
+Say, fellers, look at this layout.  These is real people in this
+house.  I found cold birds, and ham, and all kinds of pie, and real
+wine.
+(Places tray on right end of table.)
+Sit down, and make yourselves perfectly at home.
+
+HARRY:
+Well, well, that does look good.
+(Places box of cigars at upper end of table, and seats himself.) 
+Better have a bite, governor.
+
+HATCH:
+No, I tell you.
+(He sits angrily in chair at left end of table, with his face
+turned toward the curtains.)
+
+REDDY:
+Oh, come on.  It don't cost you nothing.
+(The light from the candle is seen approaching the curtains.)
+
+HATCH:
+Hush!  Look there!
+
+(He rises, lifting his chair above his head, and advances on tiptoe
+to right of curtains, where he stands with the chair raised as
+though to strike.
+
+HARRY points revolver at curtains.
+
+REDDY shifts the lantern to his left hand and, standing close to
+HARRY, also points a revolver.
+
+ALICE appears between curtains.  She is dressed as before, and in
+her left hand carries the candle, while the forefinger of her right
+hand is held warningly to her lips.  For an instant she pauses, in
+the ring of light from the lantern.)
+
+ALICE:
+(Whispering)
+Hush!  Don't make a noise.  Don't make a noise, please.
+
+(There is a long pause.)
+
+REDDY:
+Well, I'll be hung!
+
+ALICE:
+(To REDDY)
+Please don't make a noise.
+
+HATCH:
+(in a threatening whisper)
+Don't YOU make a noise.
+
+ALICE:
+I don't mean to.  My mother is asleep upstairs and she is very ill. 
+And I don't want to wake her--and I don't want you to wake her,
+either.
+
+REDDY:
+"Well, I'll be hung!
+
+HATCH:
+(Angrily)
+Who else is in this house?
+
+ALICE:
+No one but mother and the maid servants, and they're asleep.  You
+woke me, and I hoped you'd go without disturbing mother.  But when
+you started in making a night of it, I decided I'd better come down
+and ask you to be as quiet as possible.  My mother is not at all
+well.
+(Takes cigar box off table.)
+Excuse me, you've got the wrong cigars.  Those are the cigars
+father keeps for his friends.  Those he smokes he hides over here. 
+(Places box on buffet and takes out a larger box, with partitions
+for cigars, matches, and cigarettes.  As she moves about, REDDY
+keeps her well in the light of the lantern.)
+Try those.  I'm afraid you've a very poor supper.  When father is
+away, we have such a small family.  I can't see what you've--would
+you mind taking that light out of my eyes, and pointing it at that
+tray?
+
+HATCH:
+(sharply)
+Don't you do it.  Keep the gun on her.
+
+ALICE:
+Oh, I don't mind his pointing the gun at me, so long as he does not
+point that light at me.  It's most--embarrassing.
+(Sternly.)
+Turn it down there, please.
+(REDDY lets light fall on tray.)
+Why, that's cooking sherry you've got.  You can't drink THAT!  Let
+me get you some whiskey.
+
+REDDY:
+(covering her with lantern)
+No, you don't.  That's not whiskey.  It's benzine.
+
+ALICE:
+You don't mean to say that that benzine bottle is there STILL?  I
+told Jane to take it away.
+
+REDDY:
+(dryly)
+Well, Jane didn't do it.
+
+ALICE:
+Now, isn't that just like Jane?  I told her it might set fire to
+the house and burn us alive.
+
+REDDY:
+It nearly burned me alive.
+
+ALICE:
+I'm so sorry.
+(Takes from buffet a tray holding whiskey bottle, siphon, and three
+glasses.)
+Here, this is what you want.  But, perhaps you don't like Scotch.
+
+HATCH:
+Don't you touch that, Reddy.
+(Returns to chair at left of table.)
+
+REDDY:
+Why not?
+
+ALICE:
+(pours whiskey into a glass)
+Yes; why not?  It's not poison.  There's nothing wrong with this
+bottle.  If you're afraid, I'll prove it to you.  Just to show you
+there's not a trace of hard feelings.
+(Drinks and coughs violently.)
+
+REDDY:
+(sympathetically)
+SHE'S got the benzine bottle, too.
+
+ALICE:
+No.  I'm not quite used to that.
+(To HARRY)
+Excuse me, but aren't you getting tired holding that big pistol? 
+Don't you think you might put it down now, and help me serve this
+supper?
+(HARRY does not move.)
+No?  Well, then, let the colored gentleman help me.
+(HARRY and REDDY wheel sharply, each pointing his revolver.)
+
+REDDY:
+Colored man!  Where?
+
+HARRY:
+Colored man!  It's a trap!
+
+(Seeing no one, they turn.)
+
+ALICE:
+(to REDDY)
+Oh, pardon me.  Aren't you a colored person?
+
+REDDY:
+Me!  Colored?  You never see a colored man with hair like that, did
+you?
+(Points lantern at his head.)
+This isn't my real face, lady.  Why, out of office hours, I've a
+complexion like cream and roses.
+(Indignantly.) 
+Colored man!
+
+ALICE:
+I beg your pardon, but I can't see very well.  Don't you think it
+would be more cheerful if we had a little more light?
+
+HATCH:
+No!
+(To REDDY.)
+Drop that.  We've got to go.
+(To ALICE.)
+And before we go, I've got to fix you.
+
+ALICE:
+Fix me--how "fix" me?
+
+HATCH:
+I'm sorry, Miss, but it's your own fault.  You shouldn't have tried
+to see us.  Now that you HAVE, before we leave, I've got to tie you
+to a chair--and gag you.
+
+ALICE:
+Oh, really--all of that?
+
+HATCH:
+I can't have you raising the neighborhood until we get well away.
+
+ALICE:
+I see.  But--gagged--I'll look so foolish.
+
+REDDY:
+Well, there's no hurry.  We won't get well away until I've had
+something to eat.
+
+ALICE:
+Quite right.
+(To Hatch.) You can tie me in a chair later, Mr. _______.  But now
+you must remember that I am your hostess.
+(To REDDY.) 
+You'll find plates in the pantry, please.
+
+REDDY:
+Oh, I don't use them things.
+
+ALICE:
+You'll use "them things" when you eat with me.  Go, do as I tell
+you, please.
+(REDDY exits..)
+And you--put away that silly gun and help him.
+
+HATCH:
+Stay where you are.
+
+HARRY:
+Oh, what's the rush, governor?  She can't hurt nobody.  And I'm
+near starved, too.
+(Exit into pantry.)
+
+HATCH:
+This is the last time I take YOU out.
+
+ALICE:
+(arranging the food upon the table)
+Now, why are you so peevish to everybody?  Why don't you be
+sociable, and take some supper? 
+(Glances at sideboard.)
+You seem to have taken everything else.  Oh, that reminds me. 
+Would you object to loaning me about--four, six--about six of our
+knives and forks?  Just for the supper.  I suppose we can borrow
+from the neighbors for breakfast.  Unless you've been calling on
+the neighbors, too.
+
+HATCH:
+Oh, anything to oblige a lady.
+(Threateningly.)
+But no tricks, now!
+
+ALICE:
+Oh, I can't promise that, because I mightn't be able to keep my
+promise.
+
+(HATCH brings silver knives and forks from the bag.)
+
+HATCH:
+I'll risk all the tricks you know.  Nobody's got much the better of
+me in the last twenty years.
+
+ALICE:
+Have you been a burglar twenty years?  You must have begun very
+young.  I can't see your face very well, but I shouldn't say you
+were--over forty.  Do take that mask off.  It looks so--unsociable. 
+Don't be afraid of me.  I've a perfectly shocking memory for faces. 
+Now, I'm sure that under that unbecoming and terrifying exterior
+you are hiding a kind and fatherly countenance.  Am I right?
+(Laughs.)
+Why do you wear it?
+
+HATCH:
+(roughly)
+To keep my face warm.
+
+ALICE:
+Oh, pardon me,  my mistake.
+
+(A locomotive whistle is heard at a distance.  ALICE listens
+eagerly.  As the whistle dies away and is not repeated, her face
+shows her disappointment.)
+
+HATCH:
+What was that?  There's no trains this time of night.
+
+ALICE:
+(speaking partly to herself)
+It was a freight train, going the other way.
+
+HATCH:
+(suspiciously)
+The other way?  The other way from where?
+
+ALICE:
+From where it started.  Do you know, I've always wanted to meet a
+burglar.  But it's so difficult.  They go out so seldom.
+
+HATCH:
+Yes, and they arrive so late.
+
+ALICE:
+(laughingly)
+Now, that's much better.  It's so nice of you to have a sense of
+humor.  While you're there, just close those blinds, please, so
+that the neighbors can't see what scandalous hours we keep.  And
+then you can make a light.  This is much too gloomy for a supper
+party.
+
+HATCH:
+(closing shutters)
+Yes, if those were shut it might be safer.
+
+(He closes shutters and turns on the two electric lights.  REDDY
+and HARRY enter, carrying plates.)
+
+HARRY:
+We aren't regular waiters, miss, but we think we're pretty good for
+amateurs.
+
+REDDY:
+We haven't forgot nothing.  Not even napkins.  Have some napkins?
+
+(Places a pile of folded napkins in front of ALICE.  Then sits at
+head of table, HARRY to lower right of table.  ALICE moves her
+chair away from the table, but keeping REDDY on her right.  HATCH
+sits still further away from the table on her left.)
+
+ALICE:
+Thanks.  Put the plates down there.  And may I help you to some--
+
+REDDY:
+(taking food in fingers)
+Oh, we'll help ourselves.
+
+ALICE:
+Of course you're accustomed to helping yourselves, aren't you?
+(To HATCH.)
+Won't you join them?
+
+HATCH:
+No.
+
+(Through the scene which follows, REDDY and HARRY continue to eat
+and drink heartily.)
+
+ALICE:
+No?  Well, then, while they're having supper, you and I will talk. 
+If you're going to gag me soon, I want to talk while I can.
+(Rises and hands box to him.)
+Have a cigar?
+
+HATCH:
+(takes cigar)
+Thanks.
+
+ALICE:
+(standing with hand on back of chair)
+Now, I want to ask you some questions.  You are an intelligent man. 
+Of course, you must be, or you couldn't have kept out of jail for
+twenty years.  To get on in your business, a man must be
+intelligent, and he must have nerve, and courage.  Now--with those
+qualities, why, may I ask-- why are you so stupid as to be a
+burglar?
+
+HARRY:
+Stupid!
+
+REDDY:
+Well, I like that!
+
+HATCH:
+Stupid?  Why, I make a living at it.
+
+ALICE:
+How much of a living?
+
+HATCH:
+Ten thousand a year.
+
+ALICE:
+Ten thousand--well, suppose you made FIFTY thousand.  What good is
+even a hundred thousand for ONE year, if to get it you risk
+going to prison for twenty years?  That's not sensible.  Merely as
+a business proposition, to take the risk you do for ten thousand
+dollars is stupid isn't it?  I can understand a man's risking
+twenty years of his life for some things--a man like Peary or
+Dewey, or Santos-Dumont.  They took big risks for big prizes.  But
+there's thousands of men in this country, not half as clever as you
+are, earning ten thousand a year--without any risk of going to
+jail.  None of THEM is afraid to go out in public with his wife and
+children.  THEY'RE not afraid to ask a policeman what time it is. 
+They don't have to wear black masks, nor ruin their beautiful
+complexions with burnt cork.
+
+REDDY:
+Ah, go on.  Who'd give ME a job?
+
+ALICE:
+Whom did you ever ask for one?
+
+REDDY:
+(to HARRY)
+Pass me some more of that pie like mother used to make.
+
+HATCH:
+Yes, there are clerks and shopkeepers working behind a counter
+twenty-four hours a day, but they don't make ten thousand a year,
+and no one ever hears of THEM.  There's no FAME in their job.
+
+ALICE:
+Fame!  Oh, how interesting.  Are you--a celebrity?
+
+HATCH:
+I'm quite as well known as I care to be.  Now, tomorrow, all the
+papers will be talking about this.  There'll be columns about us
+three.  No one will know we are the ones they're talking about--
+
+REDDY:
+I hope not.
+
+HATCH:
+But the men in our profession will know.  And they'll say, "That
+was a neat job of So-and-so's last night."  That's fame.  Why,
+we've got a reputation from one end of this country to the other.
+
+HARRY:
+That's right!  There's some of us just as well known as--Mister--
+Santos--Dumont.
+
+REDDY:
+And we fly just as high, too.
+
+ALICE:
+(to HATCH)
+I suppose YOU--I suppose you're quite a FAMOUS burglar?
+
+REDDY:
+Him?  Why, he's as well known as Billy the Kid.
+
+ALICE:
+Billy the kid, really!  He sounds SO attractive.  But I'm afraid--I
+don't think--that I ever heard of HIM.
+
+REDDY:
+Never heard of Billy the Kid?  What do you think of that?
+
+HATCH:
+Well, then, I'm as well known as "Brace" Phillips, the Manhattan
+Bank robber.
+
+REDDY:
+SURE he is.
+
+HATCH:
+Don't tell me you never heard of him?
+
+ALICE:
+I'm afraid not.
+
+HATCH:
+Why, he's a head-liner.  He's as well known as George Post.  Coppy
+Farrell?  Billy Porter?
+
+ALICE:
+No.  There you are.  Now, you claim there is fame in this
+profession, and you have named five men who are at the top of it,
+and I've never heard of one of them.  And I read the papers, too.
+
+REDDY:
+Well, there's OTHER ladies who have heard of us.  Real ladies. 
+When I was doing my last bit in jail, I got a thousand letters from
+ladies asking for me photograph, and offering to marry me.
+
+ALICE:
+Really?  Well, that only proves that men--AS HUSBANDS--are more
+desirable in jail than out.
+(To HATCH)
+No, it's a poor life.
+
+HATCH:
+It's a poor life you people lead with us to worry you.  There's
+seventy millions of you in the United States, and only a few of us,
+and yet we keep you guessing all the year round.  Why, we're the
+last thing you think of at night when you lock the doors, we're the
+first thing you think of in the morning when you feel for the
+silver basket.  We're just a few up against seventy millions.  I
+tell you there's fame and big money and a free life in my business.
+
+ALICE:
+Yes, it's a free life until you go to jail.  It's this way.  You're
+barbarians, and there's no place for you in a civilized community--
+except in jail.  Everybody is working against you.  Every city has
+its police force;almost every house nowadays has a private
+watchman.  And if we want to raise a hue and cry after you, there
+are the newspapers, and the telegraph, and the telephone
+(nods at telephone)
+and the cables all over the--
+
+HATCH:
+(Grimly)
+Thank you.  One moment, please.
+(Throws open overcoat, showing that it is lined with burglars'
+jimmies, chisels, and augers..)
+
+ALICE:
+My!  What an interesting coat.  It looks like a tool chest.  Just
+the coat for an automobile trip.
+
+HATCH:
+Harry, cut those telephone wires.
+(Hands barbed-wire cutter to HARRY.  To ALICE)
+Thank you for reminding me.
+
+ALICE:
+Oh, not at all.  You've nothing to thank me for. 
+(HARRY goes to telephone.  To HARRY)
+Don't make a noise doing that.  Don't wake my mother.
+(To HATCH)
+She's nervous, and she's ill, and if you wake her, or frighten her,
+I'll keep the police after you until every one of you is in jail.
+
+HATCH:
+You won't keep after us very far when I've tied you up.  Bring me
+those curtain cords, Harry.
+
+ALICE:
+Oh, really, that's too ridiculous.
+(Listens apprehensively)
+
+HATCH:
+Sorry I had to bust up your still alarm, but after we go, we can't
+have you chatting with the police.  If you hadn't so kindly given
+me a tip about the telephone, I might have gone off and clean
+forgot that.
+
+(HARRY takes curtain cords from window curtains.)
+
+REDDY:
+I'm afraid pretty polly talked too much that time.  We ain't all
+stupid.
+
+ALICE:
+No, so I see, so I see.  It was careless of me.  But everybody you
+call upon may not be so careless.
+
+HATCH:
+Well, I've won out for twenty years.  I've never been in jail.
+
+ALICE:
+Don't worry.  You're young.  I told you you looked young.  Your
+time is coming.  In these days there's no room for burglars.  You
+belong to the days of stage-coaches.  You're old-fashioned now. 
+You're trying to fight civilization, that's what you're trying to
+do.  You may keep ahead for a time, but in a long race I'll back
+civilization to win.
+
+HATCH:
+Is that so?  Well, Miss Civilization, you've had your say, and I
+hope you feel better.
+(To HARRY)
+Give me that silk muffler of yours. 
+(To ALICE)
+If civilization is going to help you, it's got to hurry.
+
+ALICE:
+You don't mean to say you really are going to gag me?
+
+HATCH:
+I am.
+
+ALICE:
+My!  But I shall look silly.
+(With her face turned right she listens apprehensively.)
+
+HARRY:
+(Coming down with curtain cords, and taking muffler from his
+pocket)
+I've got the stuff in this muffler.
+
+HATCH:
+Well, give me that, too.
+(Shows inside coat pocket)
+I'll put it in the safe.
+
+(HARRY places muffler on table, exposing jewelry.)
+
+HATCH:
+(begins placing the ornaments one at a time in his pocket.  To
+ALICE.)
+What is it?  What did you hear?
+
+ALICE:
+I--I thought I heard my mother moving about.
+
+HATCH:
+Well, she'd better not move about.
+
+ALICE:
+(Fiercely)
+You'd better not wake her.
+(Sees the jewels.)
+Oh!  Look at the "graft,"  or is it "swag?"  Which is it?
+
+HATCH:
+(To HARRY)
+Cover em up; cover it up.
+
+(HARRY tries to hide the jewels with one hand, while he passes a
+lady's watch to HATCH.)
+
+HARRY:
+(to ALICE)
+That's YOUR watch.  I'm sorry it has to go.
+
+ALICE:
+I'm not.  It's the first time it ever did go.  And, oh, thank you
+for taking that big brooch.  It's a gift of father's, so I had to
+wear it, but it's so unbecoming.
+(She listens covertly.)
+
+HATCH:
+Put your hat on them.  Cover them up.
+(HARRY partly covers jewels with his hat.
+
+HATCH lifts a diamond necklace.)
+
+ALICE:
+I suppose you know your own business--but THAT IS PASTE.
+
+HATCH:
+Do you want to be gagged NOW?
+
+ALICE:
+Pardon me, of course you know what you want.
+(Notices another necklace.)
+Oh, that Mrs. Warren's necklace!  So you called on her, too, did
+you?  Isn't she attractive!
+
+REDDY:
+We didn't ask for the lady of the house.  They ain't always as
+sociable as you are.
+
+ALICE:
+Well, that's her necklace.  You got that at the house on the hill
+with the red roof--the house has the red roof, not the hill.
+(She recognizes, with an exclamation, a gold locket and chain which
+HATCH is about to place in his pocket.)
+Oh!  That's Mrs. Lowell's locket!  How could you!
+(She snatches locket from HATCH, and clasps it in both hands.  She
+rises indignantly.)
+How dared you take that!
+
+HATCH:
+Put that down!
+
+ALICE:
+(wildly and rapidly)
+No, I will not.  Do you know what that means to that woman?  She
+cares more for that than for anything in this world.  Her husband
+used to wear this.
+(Points.)
+That's a lock of their child's hair.  The child's dead, and the
+husband's dead, and that's all she has left of either of them.  And
+you TOOK it, YOU BRUTES!
+
+REDDY:
+Of course we took it.  Why does she wear it where everybody can see
+it?
+
+HATCH:
+(savagely)
+Keep quiet, you fool.
+
+ALICE:
+She WORE it?  You took it--FROM HER?
+
+HATCH:
+We didn't hurt her.  We only frightened her a bit. 
+(Angrily.)
+And we'll frighten you before we're done with you, Miss
+Civilization!
+
+ALICE:
+(defiantly, her voice rising)
+Frighten me!  You--you with your faces covered!  You're not men
+enough.  You're afraid to even steal from men.  You rob WOMEN when
+they're alone--at night.
+(Holds up locket.)
+Try to take that from me!
+
+VOICE:
+(calling)
+Alice--Alice!
+
+ALICE:
+Mother!  Oh, I forgot, I forgot.
+(The burglars rise and move toward her menacingly.)
+Please, please keep quiet.  For God's sake, don't--let--her--know!
+
+VOICE:
+Alice, what's wrong?  Who are you talking to?
+
+(ALICE runs to the curtains, with one hand held out to the
+burglars, entreating silence.)
+
+ALICE:
+I'm--I'm talking to James, the coachman.  One of the horses is ill. 
+Don't come down, mother.  Don't come down.  Go back to bed.  He's
+going now, right away.  He came for some medicine.  It's all right. 
+Good night, mother.
+
+VOICE:
+Can't I help?
+
+ALICE:
+(Vehemently)
+No, no.  Good night, mother.
+
+VOICE:
+Good night.
+
+HATCH:
+(fiercely, to HARRY)
+That's enough of this!  We can't leave here with the whole house
+awake.  And there's a coachman, too.  She'll wake him next.  He'll
+have the whole damned village after us.
+(To ALICE)
+That woman upstairs and you have got to have your tongues stopped.
+
+ALICE:
+(standing in front of curtains)
+You try to go near that woman!  She's ill, she's feeble, she's my--
+mother!  You dare to touch her.
+
+HATCH:
+Get out of my way.
+
+ALICE:
+She's ill, you cowards.  It will kill her.  You'll have to kill me
+before you get through this door.
+
+HATCH:
+(savagely)
+Well, then, if it comes to that--
+
+(Three locomotive whistles are heard from just outside the house. 
+ALICE throws up her hands hysterically.)
+
+ALICE:
+Ah!  At last!  They've come.  They've come!
+
+HATCH:
+(fiercely)
+They've come!  What is it?  What does that mean?
+
+(REDDY runs to window and opens the shutters.)
+
+ALICE:
+(jubilantly)
+It means--it means that twenty men are crossing that lawn.  It
+means that while you sat drinking there, Civilization was racing
+toward you at seventy miles an hour!
+
+HATCH:
+Damnation!  We're trapped.  Get to the wagon--quick!  No.  Leave
+the girl alone.  We've no time for that.  Drop that stuff.  That
+way.  That way.
+
+REDDY:
+(at window)
+No.  Get back!  Get back!  It's too late.  There's hundreds of them
+out there.
+
+HATCH:
+(running to centre door)
+Out here!  This way!  Quick!
+
+ALICE:
+(mockingly)
+Yes, come!  You don't dare come this way NOW!
+
+(She drags open the curtains, disclosing CAPTAIN LUCAS and two
+other policemen.  For an instant they stand, covering the burglars
+with revolvers.  REDDY runs to window.  He is seized by an entering
+crowd of men in the oil-stained blue jeans of engineers and
+brakemen.)
+
+CAPTAIN LUCAS:
+Hold up your hands, all of you!  I guess I know you.
+(With his left hand he tears off HATCH'S mask.)
+"Joe" Hatch--at last.
+(Pulls off HARRY'S mask.)
+And Harry Hayes.  I thought so.  And that's--the "Kid."  The whole
+gang.
+(To the police.)
+Good work, boys.
+(To ALICE)
+My congratulations, Miss Gardner.  They're the worst lot in the
+country.  You're a brave young lady.  You ought--
+
+ALICE:
+(speaking with an effort and swaying slightly)
+Hush, please.  Don't--don't alarm my mother.  Mother's not as
+strong as--as I am.
+
+(Her eyes close, and she faints across the arm of the Chief of
+Police as the CURTAIN FALLS.)
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg Etext of Miss Civilization by R. H. Davis
+
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