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+***The Project Gutenberg Etext of Miss Civilization, by Davis***
+#12 in our series by Richard Harding Davis
+
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+Miss Civilization
+
+by Richard Harding Davis
+
+May, 1999 [Etext #1742]
+
+
+***The Project Gutenberg Etext of Miss Civilization, by Davis***
+******This file should be named miscv10.txt or miscv10.zip******
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+
+MISS CIVILIZATION
+
+A COMEDY IN ONE ACT
+
+
+
+"Miss Civilization" is founded on a story by the late James Harvey
+Smith. All professional rights in this play belong to Richard
+Harding Davis. Amateurs who desire to produce "Miss
+Civilization" may do so, providing they apply for permission to
+the editor of Collier's Weekly, in which publication this play was
+first printed.
+
+
+PEOPLE IN THE PLAY
+
+
+ALICE GARDNER: Daughter of James K. Gardner, President of the L.I.
+& W. Railroad
+
+"UNCLE" JOSEPH HATCH: Alias "Gentleman Joe"
+
+"BRICK" MEAKIN: Alias "Reddy, the Kid"
+
+HARRY HAYES: Alias "Grand Stand" Harry
+
+CAPTAIN LUCAS: Chief of Police
+
+Policemen, Brakemen, Engineers
+
+
+
+
+Scene--The dining room in the country house of James K. Gardner
+on Long Island. In the back wall is a double doorway opening into
+a hall. A curtain divided in the middle hangs across the entrance.
+On the wall on either side of the doorway are two electric lights,
+and to the left is a telephone. Further to the left is a
+sideboard. On it are set silver salvers, candlesticks, and
+Christmas presents of silver. They still are in the red flannel
+bags in which they arrived. In the left wall is a recessed window
+hung with curtains. Against the right wall is a buffet on which is
+set a tea-caddy, toast-rack, and tea kettle. Below the buffet a
+door opens into the butler's pantry. A dinner table stands well
+down the stage with a chair at each end and on either side. Two
+chairs are set against the back wall to the right of the door. The
+walls and windows are decorated with holly and mistletoe and
+Christmas wreaths tied with bows of scarlet ribbon. When the
+window is opened there is a view of falling snow. At first the
+room is in complete darkness.
+
+The time is the day after Christmas, near midnight.
+
+After the curtain rises, one hears the noise of a file scraping
+on iron. It comes apparently from outside the house at a point
+distant from the dining room. The filing is repeated cautiously,
+with a wait between each stroke, as though the person using the
+file had paused to listen.
+
+Alice Gardner enters at centre, carrying a lighted candle in a
+silver candlestick. She wears a dressing gown, with swan's down
+around her throat and at the edges of her sleeves. Her feet are
+in bedroom slippers topped with fur. Her hair hangs down in a
+braid. After listening intently to the sound of the file, she
+places candle on sideboard and goes to telephone. She speaks in a
+whisper.
+
+ALICE:
+Hello, Central. Hello, Central.
+(Impatiently)
+Wake up! Wake up! Is that you, Central? Give me the station
+agent at Bedford Junction--quick. What? I CAN'T speak louder.
+Well, you MUST hear me. Give me the station agent at Bedford
+Junction. No, there's always a man there all night. Hurry,
+please, hurry.
+(There is a pause, during which the sound of the file grows louder.
+Alice listens apprehensively.)
+Hello, are you the station agent? Good! Listen! I am Miss
+Gardner, James K. Gardner's daughter. Yes, James K. Gardner, the
+president of the road. This is his house. My mother and I are
+here alone. There are three men trying to break in. Yes,
+burglars, of course. My mother is very ill. If they frighten her
+the shock might--might be very serious. Wake up the crew, and send
+the wrecking train here--at once. Send--the--crew--of--the--
+wrecking train here--quick. What? Then fire up an engine and get
+it here as fast as you can.
+
+VOICE:
+(calling from second story)
+Alice!
+
+ALICE:
+(at telephone)
+Yes, you have. The up-track's clear until "52" comes along.
+That's not until--
+
+VOICE:
+(Louder)
+Alice!
+
+ALICE:
+(with dismay)
+Mother!
+(At telephone)
+Hello, hold the wire. Don't go away!
+(Runs to curtains, parts them, and looks up as though speaking to
+some one at top of stairs)
+Mother, why AREN'T you in bed?
+
+VOICE:
+Is anything wrong, Alice?
+
+ALICE:
+No, dear, no. I just came down to--get a book I forgot. Please go
+back, dearest.
+
+VOICE:
+I heard you moving about. I thought you might be ill.
+
+ALICE:
+No, dearest, but YOU'LL be very ill if you don't keep in bed.
+Please, mother--at once. It's all right, it's all right.
+
+VOICE:
+Yes, dear. Good night.
+
+ALICE:
+Good night, mother.
+(Returns quickly to telephone)
+Hello! Hello! Stop the engine at the foot of our lawn. Yes, yes,
+at the foot of our lawn. And when you have the house surrounded,
+when the men are all around the house, blow three whistles so I'll
+know you're here. What? Oh, that's all right. The burglars will
+be here. I'LL see to that. All YOU have to do is to GET here. If
+you don't you, you'll lose your job! I say, if you don't, you'll
+lose your job, or I'm not the daughter of the president of this
+road. NOW, YOU JUMP! And--wait--hello
+(turns from telephone)
+He's jumped.
+
+(The file is now drawn harshly across the bolt of the window of the
+dining room, and a piece of wood snaps. With an exclamation, Alice
+blows out the candle and exits. The shutters of the windows are
+opened, admitting the faint glow of moonlight. The window is
+raised and the ray of a dark lantern is swept about the room.
+HATCH appears at window and puts one leg inside. He is an elderly
+man wearing a mask which hides the upper half of his face, a heavy
+overcoat, and a derby hat. But for the mask he might be mistaken
+for a respectable man of business. A pane of glass falls from the
+window and breaks on the sill.)
+
+HATCH:
+(Speaking over his shoulder)
+Hush! Be careful, can't you?
+(He enters. He is followed by "GRAND STAND" HARRY, a younger man
+of sporting appearance. He also wears a mask, and the brim of his
+gray alpine hat is pulled over his eyes. Around his throat he
+wears a heavy silk muffler).
+It's all right. Come on. Hurry up, and close those shutters.
+
+HARRY:
+(to REDDY outside)
+Give me the bag, Reddy.
+
+(REDDY appears at window. He is dressed like a Bowery tough. His
+face is blackened with burnt cork. His hair is of a brilliant red.
+He wears an engineer's silk cap with visor. To HARRY he passes a
+half-filled canvas bag. On his shoulder he carries another. On
+entering he slips and falls forward on the floor).
+
+HATCH:
+Confound you!
+
+HARRY:
+Hush, you fool.
+
+HATCH:
+Has he broken anything?
+
+REDDY:
+(on floor, rubbing his head)
+I've broke my head.
+
+HATCH:
+That's no loss. Has he smashed that silver?
+
+HARRY:
+(feeling in bag)
+It feels all right.
+
+(HATCH cautiously parts curtains at centre and exits into hall.)
+
+REDDY:
+(lifts bag)
+We got enough stuff in this bag already without wasting time on
+ANOTHER house.
+
+HARRY:
+Wasting time! Time's money in THIS house. Look at this silver.
+That's the beauty of working the night AFTER Christmas; everybodys'
+presents is lying about loose, and everybody's too tired
+celebrating to keep awake.
+(Lifts silver loving cup)
+Look at that cup!
+
+REDDY:
+I'd rather look at a cup of coffee.
+
+HARRY:
+(Contemptuously)
+Ah, you!
+
+REDDY:
+Well, I can't make a meal out of silver ice pitchers, can I? I've
+been through three refrigerators tonight, and nothing in any of em
+but bottles of MILK! MILK!
+
+HARRY:
+Get up, get up, get to work.
+
+REDDY:
+The folks in this town are the stingiest I ever see. I won't visit
+em again, no matter how often they ask me.
+(Rising and crossing to buffet)
+I wonder if these folks is vegetarians, too.
+
+(HATCH enters)
+
+HATCH:
+It seems all right. There's no light, and everybody's quiet.
+(To HARRY)
+You work the bedrooms. I'll clear away those things. Don't be
+rough, now.
+
+HARRY:
+I know my business. Give me the light.
+(Takes lantern and exits centre)
+
+HATCH:
+Hist, Reddy. Reddy, leave that alone. That's not safe.
+(Removes silver from sideboard to bag).
+
+REDDY:
+I know it ain't, governor. I'm lookin' for somethin' to eat.
+(He kneels in front of buffet, and opens door.)
+
+HATCH:
+No, you're not! You're not here to eat. Come and give me a hand
+with this stuff.
+
+REDDY:
+Gee! I've found a bottle of whiskey.
+(Takes bottle from buffet and begins to pull at the cork.)
+
+HATCH:
+Well, you put it right back where you found it.
+
+REDDY:
+I know a better place than that to put it.
+
+HATCH:
+How many times have I told you I'll not let you drink in business
+hours?
+
+REDDY:
+Oh, just once, governor; it's a cruel, cold night.
+(Coughs.)
+I need it for medicine.
+
+HATCH:
+No, I tell you!
+
+REDDY:
+Just ONE dose. Here's to you.
+(Drinks.)
+Oh, Lord!
+(He sputters and coughs violently.)
+
+HATCH:
+(starts toward him)
+Hush! Stop that, you fool.
+
+REDDY:
+Oh, Im poisoned! That's benzine, governor. What do you think of
+that? Benzine! It's burned me throat out.
+
+HATCH:
+I wish it had burned your tongue out! CAN'T you keep still?
+
+REDDY:
+Oh, Lord! Oh, Lord! Think of a man puttin' benzine in a whiskey
+bottle! That's dishonest, that is. Using a revenue stamp twice is
+defraudin' the Government. I could have him arrested for that.
+(Pause.)
+If I wanted to.
+(Pause.)
+But I don't want to.
+
+HATCH:
+Oh, quit that--and come here. Get out the window, and I'll hand
+the bag to you. Put it under the seat of the wagon, and cover it
+up with the lap robe.
+
+(REDDY steps to centre door and, parting the curtains, leans into
+the hall beyond, listening.)
+
+REDDY:
+Go slow. I ain't to leave here till Harry is safe on the ground
+floor again.
+
+HATCH:
+Don't you worry about Harry. He won't get into trouble.
+
+REDDY:
+Sure HE won't. It's ME and YOU he'll get into trouble. You hadn't
+ought to send HIM to do second-story work.
+
+HATCH:
+(Contemptuously)
+No?
+
+REDDY:
+No; he's too tender-hearted. A second-story worker ought to use
+his gun.
+
+HATCH:
+Oh, you! You'll fire your gun too often some day.
+
+REDDY:
+No, I won't. I did once, but I didn't do it again for six years.
+But Harry--ah, he's too tender-hearted. If Harry was a chicken
+thief, before he'd wring a chicken's neck he'd give it laughing
+gas. Why, you remember the lady that woke up and begged him to
+give her back a gold watch because it belonged to her little
+girl who was dead. Well--it turned out the little girl wasn't
+dead. It turned out the little girl was a big boy, alive and
+kicking--especially kicking. He kicked me into a rose bush.
+
+HATCH:
+That'll do. Harry's learning his trade. He'll pick it up in time.
+
+REDDY:
+About time he picked up something. Remember the Gainesville Bank;
+where he went away leaving ten thousand dollars in the back of the
+safe. "Why didn't he pick THAT up?
+
+HATCH:
+Because it wasn't there. Bank directors always say that--to make
+us feel bad. Hush!
+
+(HARRY enters, carrying his silk muffler, which now is wrapped
+about a collection of jewels and watches.)
+
+HATCH:
+That's quick work. What did you get?
+
+HARRY:
+Some neck strings, and rings, and two watches.
+
+(He spreads the muffler on the table. The three men examine the
+jewelry.)
+
+HATCH:
+That looks good. Who's up there?
+
+HARRY:
+Only an old lady and a young girl in the room over this. And she's
+a beauty, too.
+(Sentimentally.)
+Sleeping there just as sweet and peaceful--
+
+REDDY:
+Ah, why don't you give her back HER watch? Maybe she's ANOTHER
+dead daughter.
+
+HATCH:
+That's all right, Harry. That's good stuff. Pick up that bag,
+Reddy. We can go now.
+
+(HARRY places muffler and jewels in an inside coat pocket. REDDY
+takes up the dark lantern.)
+
+REDDY:
+Go? Not till I've got something to eat.
+
+HATCH:
+No, you don't. You can wait till later for something to eat.
+
+REDDY:
+Yes, I can wait till later for something to eat, but I can wait
+better if I eat now.
+(Exit into pantry.)
+
+HATCH:
+Confound him. If I knew the roads around here as well as he does,
+I'd drive off and leave him. That appetite of his will send us to
+jail some day.
+
+HARRY:
+Well, to tell the truth, governor, a little supper wouldn't hurt my
+feelings.
+(Goes to buffet.)
+I wonder where old man Gardner keeps his Havanas? I'd like a
+Christmas present of a box of cigars. Are there any over here?
+
+HATCH:
+I didn't look. I gave up robbing tills when I was quite a boy.
+(Carries bag toward window and looks out.)
+
+HARRY:
+(Takes box of cigars from buffet)
+Ah, here they are.
+(With disgust.)
+Domestics! What do you think of that? Made in Vermont. The
+"Admiral Dewey" cigar. Gee! What was the use of Dewey's taking
+Manila, if I've got to smoke Vermont cigars?
+
+(REDDY enters, carrying tray with food and a bottle.)
+
+REDDY:
+Say, fellers, look at this layout. These is real people in this
+house. I found cold birds, and ham, and all kinds of pie, and real
+wine.
+(Places tray on right end of table.)
+Sit down, and make yourselves perfectly at home.
+
+HARRY:
+Well, well, that does look good.
+(Places box of cigars at upper end of table, and seats himself.)
+Better have a bite, governor.
+
+HATCH:
+No, I tell you.
+(He sits angrily in chair at left end of table, with his face
+turned toward the curtains.)
+
+REDDY:
+Oh, come on. It don't cost you nothing.
+(The light from the candle is seen approaching the curtains.)
+
+HATCH:
+Hush! Look there!
+
+(He rises, lifting his chair above his head, and advances on tiptoe
+to right of curtains, where he stands with the chair raised as
+though to strike.
+
+HARRY points revolver at curtains.
+
+REDDY shifts the lantern to his left hand and, standing close to
+HARRY, also points a revolver.
+
+ALICE appears between curtains. She is dressed as before, and in
+her left hand carries the candle, while the forefinger of her right
+hand is held warningly to her lips. For an instant she pauses, in
+the ring of light from the lantern.)
+
+ALICE:
+(Whispering)
+Hush! Don't make a noise. Don't make a noise, please.
+
+(There is a long pause.)
+
+REDDY:
+Well, I'll be hung!
+
+ALICE:
+(To REDDY)
+Please don't make a noise.
+
+HATCH:
+(in a threatening whisper)
+Don't YOU make a noise.
+
+ALICE:
+I don't mean to. My mother is asleep upstairs and she is very ill.
+And I don't want to wake her--and I don't want you to wake her,
+either.
+
+REDDY:
+"Well, I'll be hung!
+
+HATCH:
+(Angrily)
+Who else is in this house?
+
+ALICE:
+No one but mother and the maid servants, and they're asleep. You
+woke me, and I hoped you'd go without disturbing mother. But when
+you started in making a night of it, I decided I'd better come down
+and ask you to be as quiet as possible. My mother is not at all
+well.
+(Takes cigar box off table.)
+Excuse me, you've got the wrong cigars. Those are the cigars
+father keeps for his friends. Those he smokes he hides over here.
+(Places box on buffet and takes out a larger box, with partitions
+for cigars, matches, and cigarettes. As she moves about, REDDY
+keeps her well in the light of the lantern.)
+Try those. I'm afraid you've a very poor supper. When father is
+away, we have such a small family. I can't see what you've--would
+you mind taking that light out of my eyes, and pointing it at that
+tray?
+
+HATCH:
+(sharply)
+Don't you do it. Keep the gun on her.
+
+ALICE:
+Oh, I don't mind his pointing the gun at me, so long as he does not
+point that light at me. It's most--embarrassing.
+(Sternly.)
+Turn it down there, please.
+(REDDY lets light fall on tray.)
+Why, that's cooking sherry you've got. You can't drink THAT! Let
+me get you some whiskey.
+
+REDDY:
+(covering her with lantern)
+No, you don't. That's not whiskey. It's benzine.
+
+ALICE:
+You don't mean to say that that benzine bottle is there STILL? I
+told Jane to take it away.
+
+REDDY:
+(dryly)
+Well, Jane didn't do it.
+
+ALICE:
+Now, isn't that just like Jane? I told her it might set fire to
+the house and burn us alive.
+
+REDDY:
+It nearly burned me alive.
+
+ALICE:
+I'm so sorry.
+(Takes from buffet a tray holding whiskey bottle, siphon, and three
+glasses.)
+Here, this is what you want. But, perhaps you don't like Scotch.
+
+HATCH:
+Don't you touch that, Reddy.
+(Returns to chair at left of table.)
+
+REDDY:
+Why not?
+
+ALICE:
+(pours whiskey into a glass)
+Yes; why not? It's not poison. There's nothing wrong with this
+bottle. If you're afraid, I'll prove it to you. Just to show you
+there's not a trace of hard feelings.
+(Drinks and coughs violently.)
+
+REDDY:
+(sympathetically)
+SHE'S got the benzine bottle, too.
+
+ALICE:
+No. I'm not quite used to that.
+(To HARRY)
+Excuse me, but aren't you getting tired holding that big pistol?
+Don't you think you might put it down now, and help me serve this
+supper?
+(HARRY does not move.)
+No? Well, then, let the colored gentleman help me.
+(HARRY and REDDY wheel sharply, each pointing his revolver.)
+
+REDDY:
+Colored man! Where?
+
+HARRY:
+Colored man! It's a trap!
+
+(Seeing no one, they turn.)
+
+ALICE:
+(to REDDY)
+Oh, pardon me. Aren't you a colored person?
+
+REDDY:
+Me! Colored? You never see a colored man with hair like that, did
+you?
+(Points lantern at his head.)
+This isn't my real face, lady. Why, out of office hours, I've a
+complexion like cream and roses.
+(Indignantly.)
+Colored man!
+
+ALICE:
+I beg your pardon, but I can't see very well. Don't you think it
+would be more cheerful if we had a little more light?
+
+HATCH:
+No!
+(To REDDY.)
+Drop that. We've got to go.
+(To ALICE.)
+And before we go, I've got to fix you.
+
+ALICE:
+Fix me--how "fix" me?
+
+HATCH:
+I'm sorry, Miss, but it's your own fault. You shouldn't have tried
+to see us. Now that you HAVE, before we leave, I've got to tie you
+to a chair--and gag you.
+
+ALICE:
+Oh, really--all of that?
+
+HATCH:
+I can't have you raising the neighborhood until we get well away.
+
+ALICE:
+I see. But--gagged--I'll look so foolish.
+
+REDDY:
+Well, there's no hurry. We won't get well away until I've had
+something to eat.
+
+ALICE:
+Quite right.
+(To Hatch.) You can tie me in a chair later, Mr. _______. But now
+you must remember that I am your hostess.
+(To REDDY.)
+You'll find plates in the pantry, please.
+
+REDDY:
+Oh, I don't use them things.
+
+ALICE:
+You'll use "them things" when you eat with me. Go, do as I tell
+you, please.
+(REDDY exits..)
+And you--put away that silly gun and help him.
+
+HATCH:
+Stay where you are.
+
+HARRY:
+Oh, what's the rush, governor? She can't hurt nobody. And I'm
+near starved, too.
+(Exit into pantry.)
+
+HATCH:
+This is the last time I take YOU out.
+
+ALICE:
+(arranging the food upon the table)
+Now, why are you so peevish to everybody? Why don't you be
+sociable, and take some supper?
+(Glances at sideboard.)
+You seem to have taken everything else. Oh, that reminds me.
+Would you object to loaning me about--four, six--about six of our
+knives and forks? Just for the supper. I suppose we can borrow
+from the neighbors for breakfast. Unless you've been calling on
+the neighbors, too.
+
+HATCH:
+Oh, anything to oblige a lady.
+(Threateningly.)
+But no tricks, now!
+
+ALICE:
+Oh, I can't promise that, because I mightn't be able to keep my
+promise.
+
+(HATCH brings silver knives and forks from the bag.)
+
+HATCH:
+I'll risk all the tricks you know. Nobody's got much the better of
+me in the last twenty years.
+
+ALICE:
+Have you been a burglar twenty years? You must have begun very
+young. I can't see your face very well, but I shouldn't say you
+were--over forty. Do take that mask off. It looks so--unsociable.
+Don't be afraid of me. I've a perfectly shocking memory for faces.
+Now, I'm sure that under that unbecoming and terrifying exterior
+you are hiding a kind and fatherly countenance. Am I right?
+(Laughs.)
+Why do you wear it?
+
+HATCH:
+(roughly)
+To keep my face warm.
+
+ALICE:
+Oh, pardon me, my mistake.
+
+(A locomotive whistle is heard at a distance. ALICE listens
+eagerly. As the whistle dies away and is not repeated, her face
+shows her disappointment.)
+
+HATCH:
+What was that? There's no trains this time of night.
+
+ALICE:
+(speaking partly to herself)
+It was a freight train, going the other way.
+
+HATCH:
+(suspiciously)
+The other way? The other way from where?
+
+ALICE:
+From where it started. Do you know, I've always wanted to meet a
+burglar. But it's so difficult. They go out so seldom.
+
+HATCH:
+Yes, and they arrive so late.
+
+ALICE:
+(laughingly)
+Now, that's much better. It's so nice of you to have a sense of
+humor. While you're there, just close those blinds, please, so
+that the neighbors can't see what scandalous hours we keep. And
+then you can make a light. This is much too gloomy for a supper
+party.
+
+HATCH:
+(closing shutters)
+Yes, if those were shut it might be safer.
+
+(He closes shutters and turns on the two electric lights. REDDY
+and HARRY enter, carrying plates.)
+
+HARRY:
+We aren't regular waiters, miss, but we think we're pretty good for
+amateurs.
+
+REDDY:
+We haven't forgot nothing. Not even napkins. Have some napkins?
+
+(Places a pile of folded napkins in front of ALICE. Then sits at
+head of table, HARRY to lower right of table. ALICE moves her
+chair away from the table, but keeping REDDY on her right. HATCH
+sits still further away from the table on her left.)
+
+ALICE:
+Thanks. Put the plates down there. And may I help you to some--
+
+REDDY:
+(taking food in fingers)
+Oh, we'll help ourselves.
+
+ALICE:
+Of course you're accustomed to helping yourselves, aren't you?
+(To HATCH.)
+Won't you join them?
+
+HATCH:
+No.
+
+(Through the scene which follows, REDDY and HARRY continue to eat
+and drink heartily.)
+
+ALICE:
+No? Well, then, while they're having supper, you and I will talk.
+If you're going to gag me soon, I want to talk while I can.
+(Rises and hands box to him.)
+Have a cigar?
+
+HATCH:
+(takes cigar)
+Thanks.
+
+ALICE:
+(standing with hand on back of chair)
+Now, I want to ask you some questions. You are an intelligent man.
+Of course, you must be, or you couldn't have kept out of jail for
+twenty years. To get on in your business, a man must be
+intelligent, and he must have nerve, and courage. Now--with those
+qualities, why, may I ask-- why are you so stupid as to be a
+burglar?
+
+HARRY:
+Stupid!
+
+REDDY:
+Well, I like that!
+
+HATCH:
+Stupid? Why, I make a living at it.
+
+ALICE:
+How much of a living?
+
+HATCH:
+Ten thousand a year.
+
+ALICE:
+Ten thousand--well, suppose you made FIFTY thousand. What good is
+even a hundred thousand for ONE year, if to get it you risk
+going to prison for twenty years? That's not sensible. Merely as
+a business proposition, to take the risk you do for ten thousand
+dollars is stupid isn't it? I can understand a man's risking
+twenty years of his life for some things--a man like Peary or
+Dewey, or Santos-Dumont. They took big risks for big prizes. But
+there's thousands of men in this country, not half as clever as you
+are, earning ten thousand a year--without any risk of going to
+jail. None of THEM is afraid to go out in public with his wife and
+children. THEY'RE not afraid to ask a policeman what time it is.
+They don't have to wear black masks, nor ruin their beautiful
+complexions with burnt cork.
+
+REDDY:
+Ah, go on. Who'd give ME a job?
+
+ALICE:
+Whom did you ever ask for one?
+
+REDDY:
+(to HARRY)
+Pass me some more of that pie like mother used to make.
+
+HATCH:
+Yes, there are clerks and shopkeepers working behind a counter
+twenty-four hours a day, but they don't make ten thousand a year,
+and no one ever hears of THEM. There's no FAME in their job.
+
+ALICE:
+Fame! Oh, how interesting. Are you--a celebrity?
+
+HATCH:
+I'm quite as well known as I care to be. Now, tomorrow, all the
+papers will be talking about this. There'll be columns about us
+three. No one will know we are the ones they're talking about--
+
+REDDY:
+I hope not.
+
+HATCH:
+But the men in our profession will know. And they'll say, "That
+was a neat job of So-and-so's last night." That's fame. Why,
+we've got a reputation from one end of this country to the other.
+
+HARRY:
+That's right! There's some of us just as well known as--Mister--
+Santos--Dumont.
+
+REDDY:
+And we fly just as high, too.
+
+ALICE:
+(to HATCH)
+I suppose YOU--I suppose you're quite a FAMOUS burglar?
+
+REDDY:
+Him? Why, he's as well known as Billy the Kid.
+
+ALICE:
+Billy the kid, really! He sounds SO attractive. But I'm afraid--I
+don't think--that I ever heard of HIM.
+
+REDDY:
+Never heard of Billy the Kid? What do you think of that?
+
+HATCH:
+Well, then, I'm as well known as "Brace" Phillips, the Manhattan
+Bank robber.
+
+REDDY:
+SURE he is.
+
+HATCH:
+Don't tell me you never heard of him?
+
+ALICE:
+I'm afraid not.
+
+HATCH:
+Why, he's a head-liner. He's as well known as George Post. Coppy
+Farrell? Billy Porter?
+
+ALICE:
+No. There you are. Now, you claim there is fame in this
+profession, and you have named five men who are at the top of it,
+and I've never heard of one of them. And I read the papers, too.
+
+REDDY:
+Well, there's OTHER ladies who have heard of us. Real ladies.
+When I was doing my last bit in jail, I got a thousand letters from
+ladies asking for me photograph, and offering to marry me.
+
+ALICE:
+Really? Well, that only proves that men--AS HUSBANDS--are more
+desirable in jail than out.
+(To HATCH)
+No, it's a poor life.
+
+HATCH:
+It's a poor life you people lead with us to worry you. There's
+seventy millions of you in the United States, and only a few of us,
+and yet we keep you guessing all the year round. Why, we're the
+last thing you think of at night when you lock the doors, we're the
+first thing you think of in the morning when you feel for the
+silver basket. We're just a few up against seventy millions. I
+tell you there's fame and big money and a free life in my business.
+
+ALICE:
+Yes, it's a free life until you go to jail. It's this way. You're
+barbarians, and there's no place for you in a civilized community--
+except in jail. Everybody is working against you. Every city has
+its police force;almost every house nowadays has a private
+watchman. And if we want to raise a hue and cry after you, there
+are the newspapers, and the telegraph, and the telephone
+(nods at telephone)
+and the cables all over the--
+
+HATCH:
+(Grimly)
+Thank you. One moment, please.
+(Throws open overcoat, showing that it is lined with burglars'
+jimmies, chisels, and augers..)
+
+ALICE:
+My! What an interesting coat. It looks like a tool chest. Just
+the coat for an automobile trip.
+
+HATCH:
+Harry, cut those telephone wires.
+(Hands barbed-wire cutter to HARRY. To ALICE)
+Thank you for reminding me.
+
+ALICE:
+Oh, not at all. You've nothing to thank me for.
+(HARRY goes to telephone. To HARRY)
+Don't make a noise doing that. Don't wake my mother.
+(To HATCH)
+She's nervous, and she's ill, and if you wake her, or frighten her,
+I'll keep the police after you until every one of you is in jail.
+
+HATCH:
+You won't keep after us very far when I've tied you up. Bring me
+those curtain cords, Harry.
+
+ALICE:
+Oh, really, that's too ridiculous.
+(Listens apprehensively)
+
+HATCH:
+Sorry I had to bust up your still alarm, but after we go, we can't
+have you chatting with the police. If you hadn't so kindly given
+me a tip about the telephone, I might have gone off and clean
+forgot that.
+
+(HARRY takes curtain cords from window curtains.)
+
+REDDY:
+I'm afraid pretty polly talked too much that time. We ain't all
+stupid.
+
+ALICE:
+No, so I see, so I see. It was careless of me. But everybody you
+call upon may not be so careless.
+
+HATCH:
+Well, I've won out for twenty years. I've never been in jail.
+
+ALICE:
+Don't worry. You're young. I told you you looked young. Your
+time is coming. In these days there's no room for burglars. You
+belong to the days of stage-coaches. You're old-fashioned now.
+You're trying to fight civilization, that's what you're trying to
+do. You may keep ahead for a time, but in a long race I'll back
+civilization to win.
+
+HATCH:
+Is that so? Well, Miss Civilization, you've had your say, and I
+hope you feel better.
+(To HARRY)
+Give me that silk muffler of yours.
+(To ALICE)
+If civilization is going to help you, it's got to hurry.
+
+ALICE:
+You don't mean to say you really are going to gag me?
+
+HATCH:
+I am.
+
+ALICE:
+My! But I shall look silly.
+(With her face turned right she listens apprehensively.)
+
+HARRY:
+(Coming down with curtain cords, and taking muffler from his
+pocket)
+I've got the stuff in this muffler.
+
+HATCH:
+Well, give me that, too.
+(Shows inside coat pocket)
+I'll put it in the safe.
+
+(HARRY places muffler on table, exposing jewelry.)
+
+HATCH:
+(begins placing the ornaments one at a time in his pocket. To
+ALICE.)
+What is it? What did you hear?
+
+ALICE:
+I--I thought I heard my mother moving about.
+
+HATCH:
+Well, she'd better not move about.
+
+ALICE:
+(Fiercely)
+You'd better not wake her.
+(Sees the jewels.)
+Oh! Look at the "graft," or is it "swag?" Which is it?
+
+HATCH:
+(To HARRY)
+Cover em up; cover it up.
+
+(HARRY tries to hide the jewels with one hand, while he passes a
+lady's watch to HATCH.)
+
+HARRY:
+(to ALICE)
+That's YOUR watch. I'm sorry it has to go.
+
+ALICE:
+I'm not. It's the first time it ever did go. And, oh, thank you
+for taking that big brooch. It's a gift of father's, so I had to
+wear it, but it's so unbecoming.
+(She listens covertly.)
+
+HATCH:
+Put your hat on them. Cover them up.
+(HARRY partly covers jewels with his hat.
+
+HATCH lifts a diamond necklace.)
+
+ALICE:
+I suppose you know your own business--but THAT IS PASTE.
+
+HATCH:
+Do you want to be gagged NOW?
+
+ALICE:
+Pardon me, of course you know what you want.
+(Notices another necklace.)
+Oh, that Mrs. Warren's necklace! So you called on her, too, did
+you? Isn't she attractive!
+
+REDDY:
+We didn't ask for the lady of the house. They ain't always as
+sociable as you are.
+
+ALICE:
+Well, that's her necklace. You got that at the house on the hill
+with the red roof--the house has the red roof, not the hill.
+(She recognizes, with an exclamation, a gold locket and chain which
+HATCH is about to place in his pocket.)
+Oh! That's Mrs. Lowell's locket! How could you!
+(She snatches locket from HATCH, and clasps it in both hands. She
+rises indignantly.)
+How dared you take that!
+
+HATCH:
+Put that down!
+
+ALICE:
+(wildly and rapidly)
+No, I will not. Do you know what that means to that woman? She
+cares more for that than for anything in this world. Her husband
+used to wear this.
+(Points.)
+That's a lock of their child's hair. The child's dead, and the
+husband's dead, and that's all she has left of either of them. And
+you TOOK it, YOU BRUTES!
+
+REDDY:
+Of course we took it. Why does she wear it where everybody can see
+it?
+
+HATCH:
+(savagely)
+Keep quiet, you fool.
+
+ALICE:
+She WORE it? You took it--FROM HER?
+
+HATCH:
+We didn't hurt her. We only frightened her a bit.
+(Angrily.)
+And we'll frighten you before we're done with you, Miss
+Civilization!
+
+ALICE:
+(defiantly, her voice rising)
+Frighten me! You--you with your faces covered! You're not men
+enough. You're afraid to even steal from men. You rob WOMEN when
+they're alone--at night.
+(Holds up locket.)
+Try to take that from me!
+
+VOICE:
+(calling)
+Alice--Alice!
+
+ALICE:
+Mother! Oh, I forgot, I forgot.
+(The burglars rise and move toward her menacingly.)
+Please, please keep quiet. For God's sake, don't--let--her--know!
+
+VOICE:
+Alice, what's wrong? Who are you talking to?
+
+(ALICE runs to the curtains, with one hand held out to the
+burglars, entreating silence.)
+
+ALICE:
+I'm--I'm talking to James, the coachman. One of the horses is ill.
+Don't come down, mother. Don't come down. Go back to bed. He's
+going now, right away. He came for some medicine. It's all right.
+Good night, mother.
+
+VOICE:
+Can't I help?
+
+ALICE:
+(Vehemently)
+No, no. Good night, mother.
+
+VOICE:
+Good night.
+
+HATCH:
+(fiercely, to HARRY)
+That's enough of this! We can't leave here with the whole house
+awake. And there's a coachman, too. She'll wake him next. He'll
+have the whole damned village after us.
+(To ALICE)
+That woman upstairs and you have got to have your tongues stopped.
+
+ALICE:
+(standing in front of curtains)
+You try to go near that woman! She's ill, she's feeble, she's my--
+mother! You dare to touch her.
+
+HATCH:
+Get out of my way.
+
+ALICE:
+She's ill, you cowards. It will kill her. You'll have to kill me
+before you get through this door.
+
+HATCH:
+(savagely)
+Well, then, if it comes to that--
+
+(Three locomotive whistles are heard from just outside the house.
+ALICE throws up her hands hysterically.)
+
+ALICE:
+Ah! At last! They've come. They've come!
+
+HATCH:
+(fiercely)
+They've come! What is it? What does that mean?
+
+(REDDY runs to window and opens the shutters.)
+
+ALICE:
+(jubilantly)
+It means--it means that twenty men are crossing that lawn. It
+means that while you sat drinking there, Civilization was racing
+toward you at seventy miles an hour!
+
+HATCH:
+Damnation! We're trapped. Get to the wagon--quick! No. Leave
+the girl alone. We've no time for that. Drop that stuff. That
+way. That way.
+
+REDDY:
+(at window)
+No. Get back! Get back! It's too late. There's hundreds of them
+out there.
+
+HATCH:
+(running to centre door)
+Out here! This way! Quick!
+
+ALICE:
+(mockingly)
+Yes, come! You don't dare come this way NOW!
+
+(She drags open the curtains, disclosing CAPTAIN LUCAS and two
+other policemen. For an instant they stand, covering the burglars
+with revolvers. REDDY runs to window. He is seized by an entering
+crowd of men in the oil-stained blue jeans of engineers and
+brakemen.)
+
+CAPTAIN LUCAS:
+Hold up your hands, all of you! I guess I know you.
+(With his left hand he tears off HATCH'S mask.)
+"Joe" Hatch--at last.
+(Pulls off HARRY'S mask.)
+And Harry Hayes. I thought so. And that's--the "Kid." The whole
+gang.
+(To the police.)
+Good work, boys.
+(To ALICE)
+My congratulations, Miss Gardner. They're the worst lot in the
+country. You're a brave young lady. You ought--
+
+ALICE:
+(speaking with an effort and swaying slightly)
+Hush, please. Don't--don't alarm my mother. Mother's not as
+strong as--as I am.
+
+(Her eyes close, and she faints across the arm of the Chief of
+Police as the CURTAIN FALLS.)
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg Etext of Miss Civilization by R. H. Davis
+
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