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diff --git a/16107-8.txt b/16107-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..691c5f6 --- /dev/null +++ b/16107-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2111 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, +January 14, 1920, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, January 14, 1920 + + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: June 22, 2005 [eBook #16107] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 158, JANUARY 14, 1920*** + + +E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins, and the Project +Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net) + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 16107-h.htm or 16107-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/6/1/0/16107/16107-h/16107-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/6/1/0/16107/16107-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 158 + +JANUARY 14TH, 1920 + + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +The Premier, says a contemporary, has become greatly attached to a white +terrier puppy that he brought with him from Colwyn Bay. The report that it +has been taught to run after its own tail by Mr. LLOYD GEORGE himself is +probably the work of malice. + +* * * + +Our heart goes out to the tenant of an experimental wooden house who is +advertising for the assistance of the man who successfully held up a +post-office in London about a fortnight ago. + +* * * + +A London carman is said to have summoned his neighbour for calling him an +O.B.E. We are sure he could not have meant it. + +* * * + +"The most hygienic dress for all boys is the Scots kilt," says a +correspondent of _The Daily Mail_. "My own boys wear nothing else." We are +glad to see that the obsolete Highland Practice of muffling the ears in a +cairngorm has been definitely discarded. + +* * * + +According to a contemporary a new form of road surface material, which is +not injurious to fish, has been produced by the South Metropolitan Gas +Company. The utilisation of some of the deeper cavities in our highways for +the purpose of food production has long been a favourite theme of ours. + +* * * + +"Having a tooth drawn," says a writer in _Health Hints_, "has its +advantages." It certainly tends to keep one's mind off the Coalition. + +* * * + +Two men have been charged at Sutton with selling water for whisky. People +are now asking the exact date when this was first made an offence. + +* * * + +At the present time a missionary costs twice as much as before the War, +says the Rev. W.J. FULLERTON. Many a cassowary has been complaining +bitterly of the high cost of this comestible. + +* * * + +A new tango will be danced for the first time on January 15th, says _The +Daily Express_. For ourselves we shall try to go about our business just as +if nothing really serious had happened. + +* * * + +Asked by the magistrate if her husband had threatened her, a Stratford +woman replied, "No; he only said he would kill me." Almost any little thing +seems to irritate some people. + +* * * + +It appears that, after reading various references about his trial in the +London papers, the ex-Kaiser was heard to say that if we were not very +careful he would wash his hands of the whole business. + +* * * + +There is a lot of wishy-washy talk about the Bolshevists, says a Labour +paper. Wishy, perhaps, but from what we see of their pictures in the +papers, not washy. + +* * * + +"Supplies of string for letter mail-bags," says _The Post Office Circular_, +"will in future be 19 inches in length, instead of 18 inches." It is the +ability to think out things like this that has made us the nation we are +to-day. + +* * * + +Offers are invited in a contemporary for a large quantity of tiger skins. +People should first make sure that the rest of the tiger has been properly +removed before purchasing. + +* * * + +The composer of an American ragtime song is to have a statue erected to him +in New York. It is hoped that this warning will have the desired effect on +any composers in this country who may be tempted to commit a similar error. + +* * * + +We understand that, after several weeks of careful investigation into +details, the special Committee appointed by the Government to deal with +Germany's refusal to pay for her sunken fleet at Scapa have now recommended +that no receipt should be given until the money is handed over. + +* * * + +"You will soon be able to get work," said the Kingston magistrate to a man +summoned for income-tax. This is the sort of thoughtless remark that tends +to embitter the unemployed. + +* * * + +According to an evening paper, Granny LAMBERT, of Edmonton, proposed to the +reporter who visited her on her one-hundred-and-sixth birthday. As, +however, she is experiencing some difficulty in obtaining the consent of +her parents the affair may possibly fall through. + +* * * + +Much sympathy is felt for the scrum-half who will be unable to assist his +team this month on account of being severely crocked whilst helping his +wife at the Winter sales. + +* * * + +The London policeman who went across to Ireland for his Christmas holiday +is still under strict observation by mental experts. + +* * * + +We hear that the Congo Government have now decided that all Brontosauri +must in future carry a red front light and a green rear light when +travelling at night-time. + +* * * + +The War Office is said to be making preparations to abolish the Tank Corps. +It appears that the Major-General who recently drove from Whitehall to +Tothill Street in one of these vehicles has reported unfavourably upon +them, saying that he never got a wink of sleep the whole time. + +* * * + +A remarkable echo of Armageddon is reported from the Wimbledon district. A +subscriber was rung up the other day by "Trunks" and asked if he still +wished to say good-bye to himself before leaving for the Somme. + +* * * + +Thistles do more damage to agriculture than rats, declared the +Montgomeryshire Agricultural Executive Committee. Stung by this +uncalled-for attack on his national vegetable a Scotchman writes to say +that within his knowledge more arable land has been laid waste by leeks +than by any other noxious weed. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Professor's Wife._ "SEPTIMUS, THE THAW HAS BURST THE +PIPES." + +_Professor._ "NO, NO, MARIE. AS I'VE HAD OCCASION TO EXPLAIN TO YOU EVERY +YEAR SINCE I CAN REMEMBER, IT'S THE FROST THAT BURSTS THE PIPES--_NOT_ THE +THAW."] + + * * * * * + +FASHIONS FOR MEN. + + ["Who will help the Disposal Board by starting some new fashion that + would enable it to get rid of a great consignment of kilts as worn by + the London Scottish, the Royal Scots and the Highland Light Infantry?" + --_Mrs. KELLAWAY on the Disposal Board's "Curiosity Shop."_] + + There are who hanker for a touch of colour, + So to relieve their sombre air; + For me, I like my clothes to be much duller + Than what the nigger minstrels wear; + I hold by sable, drab and grey; + I do not wish to be a popinjay. + + In vain my poor imagination grapples + With these new lines in fancy shades, + These purple evening coats with yellow lapels, + These vests composed in flowered brocades; + Nor can I think that noisy checks + Would help me to attract the other sex. + + With gaudy schemes that rouse my solemn dander + I leave our frivolous youth to flirt; + A riband round my straw--for choice, Leander; + A subtle nuance in my shirt; + For tie, the colours of my school-- + These are the limits of my austere rule. + + But, when they'd have me swathe the clamorous tartan + In lieu of trousers round my waist, + Then they evoke the spirit of the Spartan + Inherent in my simple taste; + Inexorably I decline + To drape the kilt on any hips of mine. + + It may be they will count me over-modest, + Deem me Victorian, dub me prude; + I may have early views, the very oddest, + On what is chaste and what is rude; + Yet am I certain that my leg + Would not look right beneath a filibeg. + + I love the Scot as being truly British; + Golf (and the Union) makes us one; + Yet to my nature, which is far from skittish + And lacks his local sense of fun, + There is a something almost foreign + About his strange attachment to the sporran. + + So, when a bargain-sale is held of chattels + Surviving from the recent War-- + Textiles and woollens, built for use in battles-- + And Scotland's there inquiring for + The kilt department, I shall not + Be found competing. She can have the lot. + + +O.S. + + * * * * * + +THE DOMESTIC PROBLEM. + +"Well, I've been to see three of them now," she said. "The first is at +Shepherd's Bush--" + +"What pipes!" I ejaculated. "What music! What wild ecstasy!" + +"--four hundred yards from the Central Tube, to be exact; and there's a +large roller skating-rink next door. You never rolled, did you? Three +sessions daily, the advertisement says." + +"I'm afraid I sat oftener than that when I rolled," I confessed. "'Another +transport split,' as the evening papers say. I wonder whether Sir ERIC +GEDDES is the rink-controller. But tell me a little about the house. I +suppose there's a high premium and a deep basement?" + +"There are." + +"Next, please." + +"The next is at Chiswick; very damp and miles and miles to catch your bus. +And there's a basement again." + +"You might grow mushrooms in the basement," I said hopefully, "while I +hunted my Pimlico on the shore. What about the third?" + +"The third is at Hampstead, very high up and very salubrious. The agent +says we should be able to overlook the whole of London." + +"Impossible," I protested; "you can't ignore a thing like London." + +"I don't think he meant that exactly," she explained. "He said that from +the top bedroom window on bright days one could catch a glimpse of the dome +of St. Paul's." + +"That will be rather fine," I agreed. "We can have afternoon receptions in +the top bedroom, and print 'To meet the Dean and Chapter' on the card. +People love meeting Chapters in real life. What is the rental of this +eyrie?" + +She told me. It was as high as the site; and, again, there was a dug-out +underneath. + +"You haven't tried Ponder's End?" I said at last. "I've often seen those +words on a bus, and a lot of sad-looking people on the top, pondering, I +suppose, the inevitable end." + +"Well, which of them are we going to choose? It's the servant problem +that's the real trouble, you know. They simply won't cope with a basement +nowadays." + +"I think you overestimate the help crisis," I said. "There are two things +that they really want. The first is to have employers absolutely dependent +on them, and the second is a gay life. To take the first. I remember that +when I was in digs--" + +"Do you mind if I knit?" she asked. + +--"when I was in digs it was my landlady's fondest delusion that I could do +nothing to help myself. And, of course, I was bound to foster the idea. +Every night I used to hide my pipe behind the coal-scuttle or my latchkey +in the aspidistra, just for her to find. There was rather a terrible moment +once when she came in unexpectedly and caught me losing half-a-crown +underneath the hearth-rug; but I pretended to be finding it, and saved the +situation. It will be just the same with you. You will go down into the +basement and pretend to mistake the flour for the salt, and the cook will +love you for ever. It's all done by kindness and incompetence." + +"I suppose it is," she said doubtfully. + +"And then there's amusements," I went on. "We will have Charles in once or +twice a week. No servant who has ever heard Charles trying to sing would +prefer a night out at the cinema or the skating-rink. If she does, we'll +get a gramophone." + +"Not for worlds," she gasped. + +"Oh, _you_ wouldn't have to listen to it. It would live in the basement, +and HARRY LAUDER would help the girl to clean the knives and break the +cups, and GEORGE ROBEY would make washing the dishes one grand sweet song. +The basement would be a fairyland." + +"All this doesn't seem to get us much further," she complained, "in +deciding which of those houses we're going to take." + +"Oh, doesn't it?" I said, and, sitting down, I wrote a few lines rapidly +and handed her the draft for approval. She approved. + +And that is why, if you look at _The Times'_ "Domestic Situations" column +to-morrow, you may see the following announcement:-- + +HOUSE-PARLOURMAID WANTED, helpless couple, where gramophone kept; state +whether Hampstead, Chiswick or Shepherd's Bush preferred. + +EVOE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ANOTHER TURKISH CONCESSION. + +TURKEY (_anxious to save the Peace Conference from embarrassment_). +"EUROPE! WITH ALL THY FAULTS I LOVE THEE STILL. IF THOU INSISTEST, I AM +PREPARED TO STAY WITH THEE, BAG AND BAGGAGE."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "OH, YES, MADAM, BRITANNIA WILL SUIT YOU ADMIRABLY. AND WHAT +ABOUT THE GENTLEMAN?" + +"OH, HE'S GOING IN HIS DINNER-JACKET, REPRESENTING ONE OF THE SMALLER +NATIONS."] + + * * * * * + +OUR INVINCIBLE NAVY. + +ORDEAL BY WATER. + +When the innermost recesses of the Admiralty archives yield their secrets +to the historian there will be some strange and stirring events to relate. +But however diligently the chroniclers may search amongst the accumulated +records at Whitehall there will still remain one outstanding performance, +one shining example of courage and endurance of which no trace can there be +found; for it was never officially known how Reginald McTaggart upheld the +honour of the White Ensign in the Gulf of Lyons. + +Reginald does not in the ordinary way suffer from excess of modesty; indeed +he has been known to hint that on more than one occasion it was primarily +due to his efforts that the world was eventually made safe for democracy; +but of this his greatest exploit he will never speak without pressure, and +even then but diffidently. + +When WILLIAM HOHENZOLLERN first cried "Havoc" and let slip the Prussian +Guard, Reginald was among the most unsophisticated of landsmen. He had +never in his life so much as heard a bo'sun's pipe and could scarcely +distinguish a battleship from a bathing-machine. But the blood of a +maritime ancestry ran hot in his veins, and, being too highly educated to +get on in the Army, he placed himself at the disposal of the Senior +Service, which embraced him gladly. Henceforth his career was one of +unbroken triumph. + +Having taken a First in Mechanical Sciences at Cambridge, Reginald was at +once detailed off for deck-swabbing on a Portsmouth depôt ship; but one day +an enterprising Rear-Admiral of the younger school, noting his scientific +manner of manipulating a squeegee, had him sent before the Flag Captain, +who, on learning his antecedents, recommended the blushing Reginald for the +post of batman to the Senior Wireless Officer. Here his talents showed to +such advantage that in a little over a year he received a commission as +technical officer, and was placed in charge of an experimental Torpedo +School, well away from the storms and tempests that vexed his less gifted +brothers. + +It were tedious to relate Reginald's adventures during the next two +years--how time and again he baffled the cunning devices of the German +naval scientists--how he invented a pivotal billiard-table for use on +drifters in rough weather and perfected an electro-magnetic contrivance by +means of which enemy submarines were inveigled into torpedoing themselves +without warning. All this and much else is accessible to the formal +historian; besides, Reginald tells people himself. We will hurry on to the +grand exploit. + +It occurred shortly after he was appointed to a post on the British Naval +Mission at Athens. He had left England little more than a month when the +Sea Lords became uneasy. Trouble broke out among the torpedoes and there +was no one to set matters right. Paragraphs began to appear in the Press. +The result was an urgent wireless message to Athens recalling Reginald at +once. There was to be no delay. + +"Are you prepared to start immediately?" asked the Vice-Admiral, when he +had briefly outlined the situation. + +Reginald saluted briskly. + +"I don't quite know how you'll go," continued the Vice-Admiral. "We haven't +an armed ship sailing West for a week. There's a little Greek trading +steamer leaving for Marseilles to-morrow morning, but I'm afraid you would +find her very incommodious. Would you care to risk it?" + +"I start in the morning, Sir," said Reginald tersely. + +The Vice-Admiral seized his hand and wrung it warmly. + +When Reginald came down to the harbour and saw the craft on which he had +undertaken to embark he was seized with a sudden faintness. Even the +toughest seafarer would have thought twice before venturing beyond the +breakwater in such an unsavoury derelict; and Reginald, be it remembered, +had only once in his life made a sea voyage, and that in the peaceful +security of an ironclad. His heart quailed beneath his Commander's uniform. + +However, setting his teeth and consoling himself with the thought that she +would undoubtedly fall to pieces before they could leave the harbour +behind, he went aboard. + +The master, an unprepossessing but exceedingly polite child of the Ægean, +was overwhelmed at the prospect of carrying a British Naval Commander as +passenger. He saluted wildly; he gesticulated; it was too much honour. +Would his Excellency the Commander accept the use of his poor state-room-- +yes? Would he undertake the navigation of this so dangerous voyage--no? Ah, +but he would seek his so expert advice in the sudden perilous moment--good. +Reginald bowed nervously. + +At first all went well. Except for the atmosphere of the state-room, which +was richly tinged with a mixed odour of mildewed figs and rotten +pomegranates, and the uncomfortable feeling that, unless he trod +delicately, the decks would crumble away and deposit him in the bosom of +the Mediterranean, Reginald was fairly happy. A ready wit and a dignified +bearing combined to cloak his lack of seamanship and kept the skipper in a +fit state of humility and awe. + +But in the Gulf of Lyons a breeze sprang up. It was quite a gentle breeze +at first, and Reginald found it rather stimulating. Towards evening, +however, it freshened, and the ship began to stagger. Reginald became +conscious of those disquieting symptoms common to landsmen in such case. +Fearful for his reputation he crept below to suffer in solitude. + +By midnight it was blowing a gale, and Reginald had lost interest in life. +He was thinking mournfully of the vanity of all human desires when a +message was brought from the captain. They were about to perish. Would his +Excellency the Commander come up to the bridge and save them, please? + +It was a painful predicament, and Reginald was justly horrified. Could he +venture out and display the weakness of the British Navy in the face of a +crew of unwashed Greek matelots? On the other hand, could he skulk in his +cabin and allow the Master to doubt his courage and resource? He rose and +lurched unsteadily on deck. + +The Captain was distinctly excited. Destruction was imminent. He had +appealed to the Saints without avail. Would the British Commander come to +their assistance? What did his Excellency think of it? + +Reginald thought it was perfectly horrible. He had never thought such a +ghastly scene possible. The ship appeared on the point of turning turtle +and he was soaked to the skin already. Then, realizing that he could not +remain on the bridge another minute without internal disaster, he made a +supreme effort. + +"My dear skipper," he howled at the top of his voice, "you surely don't +call this a storm? The merest breeze, I assure you. I really can't be +disturbed for such a trifle. If it begins to blow at all during the night +let me know and I'll come up and take the matter in hand;" and without +waiting for a reply he scrambled down from the bridge and made a dash for +the seclusion of the state-room. + +Next morning they were rolling in the swell off Marseilles, with the +prestige of the British Navy, if possible, higher than ever. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: POLICE CONSTABLE (DEMOBILISED OFFICER) MEETS AN OLD FRIEND +FROM FRANCE.] + + * * * * * + + "The Lord Mayor of Dublin has placed a room in the City Hall at the + disposal of the Labour party for the reception of reputations."--_Irish + Paper_. + +A kindly thought. Reputations are so easily lost in Ireland. + + * * * * * + +JAZZERWOCKY. + +(_With apologies to LEWIS CARROLL._) + + 'Twas grillig, and the Jazzlewags + Did glomp and scrimble o'er the board; + All gladsome were their dazzlerags, + And the loud Nigs uproared. + + "Beware the Tickle Trot, my son, + The feet that twink, the hands that clug; + Beware the Shimmy Shake and shun + The thrustful Bunny Hug." + + He put his pumpsious shoon on foot, + He bent his knees to slithe and sprawl, + Till, fagged and flausted by disdoot, + He brooded by the wall. + + And, as in broody ease he lay, + The Jazzerwock, with shoulders bare, + Came swhiffling through the juggly fray + And grapped him by the hair. + + One, two! One, two! And through and through + The prancing maze they reeled and pressed, + Till both his feet ignored the beat + And woggled with the best. + + "And hast thou learnt at last to jazz? + Come take my arm, my clomplish boy;" + O hectic day! Cheero! Cheeray! + He chwinckled in his joy. + + 'Twas grillig, and the Jazzlewags + Did glomp and scrimble o'er the board; + All gladsome were their dazzlerags, + And the loud Nigs uproared. + + * * * * * + +A PAINFUL SUBJECT. + +I do not love dentists. In this antipathy I am not unique, I fancy. One +never sees photographs of family dentists standing on mantelpieces heavily +framed in silver; and, though _The Forceps_ presents a coloured supplement +depicting a prominent ivory-hunter with every Christmas number, there is, I +am told, no violent demand for it outside the Profession. + +This is not to be wondered at. A man who spends his life climbing into +people's mouths and playing "The Anvil Chorus" on their molars with a +monkey-wrench, who says, "Now this won't hurt you in the least," and then +deals one a smart rap on a nerve with a pickaxe--such a man cannot expect +to be popular. He must console himself with his fees. + +I do not love dentists, I repeat, but I am also not infatuated with +toothache. It is not that I am a coward. Far from it. Arterial sclerosis, +glycosuria, follicular tonsillitis and, above all, sleeping sickness I can +bear with fortitude--that is, I feel sure I could--but toothache, no! I am +not ashamed of it. Every brave man has at least one weakness. Lord +ROBERTS'S was cats. Achilles' was tendons. Mine is toothache (Biographers, +please note). When my jaw annoys me I try to propitiate it with libations +of whisky, brandy, iodine, horse-blister and patent panaceas I buy from +sombreroed magicians in the Strand. If these fail I totter round to the +dentist, ring the bell and run away. If the maid catches me before I can +escape and turns me into the waiting-room I examine the stuffed birds and +photographs of Brighton Pier until she has departed, then slither quietly +down the banisters, open the street door and gallop. If I am pushed +directly into the _abattoir_ I shake the dentist warmly by the hand, ask +after his wife and children, his grandfather and great-aunt, and tell him I +have only dropped in to tune the piano. If that is no good I try to make an +appointment for an afternoon this year, next year, some time, never. If +that too is useless and he insists on putting me through it there and then, +I take every anodyne he's got--cocaine, morphia, chloroform, ether, gas, +also a couple of anæsthetists to hold my hand when I go off and kiss me +when I come round again. + +One of my chief objections to dentists is that they will never listen to +reason; explanations are quite thrown away on them. They only let you talk +at all in order to get your face open, and then into it they plunge their +powerful antiseptic-tasting hands and you lose something. I never go near a +dentist without paying the extreme penalty. (None of those cunning little +gold-tipped caps or reinforced concrete suspension-bridges for me. Out it +comes. Blood and iron every time). I admit they frequently appease my +anguish. Almost invariably among the teeth of which they relieve me at each +sitting is included the offending one. But still I maintain my right to +have a say in my own afflictions. The doctors let one. I've got a physician +who lets me have any disease I fancy (except German measles and Asiatic +cholera; for patriotic reasons he won't hear a good word spoken for either +of them; says we've got just as good diseases of our own. Damned +insularity!). + +If I send for this doctor he comes along, sits quietly beside my bed, +eating my grapes, while I tell him where the pain isn't. The recital over +he hands me a selection of ailments to pick from. I choose one. He tells me +what the symptoms are, drinks my invalid port, creeps downstairs and breaks +the news to the hushed and awe-stricken family. A chap like that makes +suffering a pleasure and is a great comfort in a home like mine, where a +sick bed is the only sort you are allowed to lie in after 10 A.M. Without +the fellow's ready sympathy I doubt if I should secure any sleep at all. +One gets no assistance of that kind from dentists, although they give you +more pain in ten seconds than a doctor does in ten years. + +No dentist ever sees me home after the slaughter, orders me a diet of +chicken breast, _pêche Melba_ and champagne, or warns my family that I am +on no account to be disturbed until lunch. No, they jerk your jaw off its +hinges and dump your remains on the doorstep for the L.C.C. rubbish cart to +collect. + +Another thing: dentists should not be allowed out loose about the streets. +They exercise a blighting influence. You are strolling along in the +sunshine, head high, chest expanded, telling some wide-eyed young thing +what you and HAIG did to LUDENDORFF, when suddenly you meet the dentist. +You look at him, he looks at you, and his eyes seem to say, "What ho, my +hero! Last week you went to ground under my sofa and couldn't be dislodged +until I put the page-boy in to ferret you." + +"And what happened then," inquires the wide-eyed young thing, "after you +had caught the Hun tank by the tail and ripped it up with a tin-opener?" + +"After that," says the eye of the dentist, "you wept, you prayed, you lay +on the floor and kicked, you--" + +"And did you kill all the crew yourself?" bleats the maiden, "single-handed +--every one of them?" + +"Oh, I--er," you stutter--"what I mean to say--that is--Oh, dash it, let's +go and get tea somewhere, what?" + +PATLANDER. + + * * * * * + +From the _dramatis personæ_ in a Malta opera-programme:-- + + "Singers, Old Beans, and Abbés." + +The "old beans" no doubt were drawn from the local garrison. + + * * * * * + + "The old wooden streets which survived in the more ancient parts of the + capital [Petrograd] have, on account of the lack of fuel since the + Bolshevists became all-powerful, been torn down and demobilished."-- + _Daily Paper_. + +The last word in destructiveness. + + * * * * * + + "The standing joint committee of the Industrial Women's Organisations + have passed a resolution unanimously endorsing the action of the + Consumers' Council in opposing the decontrol of meat."--_Daily + Graphic_. + +The "standing joint" committee would seem to be the very one for the job. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MANNERS AND MODES. + +HOW TO APPEAR BEAUTIFUL THOUGH PLAIN:--SURROUND YOURSELF WITH SPECIMENS OF +THE LATEST ART.] + + * * * * * + + DRESS OF THE DAY. + + "BATHROOM TOILETTES. + + "This season balls and dances, both private and public, are being given + in greater numbers than ever."--_Local Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "A couple of ciphers, followed by a string of noughts, represents + Germany's debt to France. And it looks as if the noughts are all France + will get in the present generation."--_Evening Paper._ + +But it is possible that under pressure Germany might throw in the ciphers +as well. + + * * * * * + +"LOST AND FOUND. + +"ADDRESS BY THE LORD ADVOCATE. + + "Will the party who took the wrong Umbrella from the Ante-Room, Music + Hall, kindly return same in exchange for his own to ----, Music Hall?" + --_Scotch Paper._ + +An odd address for the LORD ADVOCATE. + + * * * * * + + "Wells' 'History of the Universe' describes the slow disappearance of + certain species, taking hundreds of thousands of years to do it."-- + _Daily Paper_. + +In an age of hustle it is gratifying to find one eminent author approaching +his work with due deliberation. + + * * * * * + + THE PROFITEER'S ANTHEM. + + "The Hymns to be sung will be: (1) 'All people that on earth do + well.'..."--_Rangoon Times._ + + * * * * * + +From _Surplus_, the official organ of the Disposal Board:-- + +"PORK AND BEANS. + + "16 oz. tins (15 ozs. Beans and Sauce, 1 oz. Pork); 21 oz. tins (20 ozs. + Beans and Sauce, 1 oz. Pork)." + +So the question which vexed many billets on the Western Front is now +answered. There _was_ pork in it. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BEHIND THE SCENES IN CINEMA-LAND. + +"YOU'RE IN LUCK, MY BOY. THEY'VE IMPORTED A GENUINE MEXICAN BANDIT FOR YOUR +KNIFE-FIGHT SCENE IN 'BAD HAT, THE HALF-BREED.'"] + + * * * * * + +MY FIRE. + +"Seventy-five per cent. of the world's accidents arise from gross +carelessness!" I thundered at Suzanne, who for the fifteenth time in five +years of matrimony had left her umbrella in the 'bus. Being on a month's +leave, and afraid of losing by neglect the orderly-room touch, I thought +fit to practise on her the arts of admonition. Admonishing, I wagged at her +the match with which I was in the act of lighting my pipe. Wagging the +match, I did not notice the live head drop off on to the khaki slacks which +I had donned that afternoon to grace a visit to the War Office. Only when I +traced Suzanne's petrified stare to its target did I discover that a +ventilation hole had been created in a vital part of His Majesty's uniform. + +With great presence of mind I put out the conflagration before venturing on +an encounter with Suzanne's eye. + +"You were discussing accidents," she observed sweetly. "What percentage of +them did you say was due to gross carelessness?" + +I did not bandy words. There was no escaping the fact that they were, as +Suzanne reminded me, my sole surviving pair of khaki slacks, and that I +should certainly have to get a new pair before returning to the Depôt; for +these were obviously beyond wear or repair. + +"Well, anyhow I've three weeks to get them in," I said as lightly as I +could. "My leave isn't up till the end of the month." + +"Men's clothes are terribly dear just now," remarked Suzanne pensively. +"And I _was_ going to ask you to give me a new hat. But now I suppose--" + +This roused my pride and self-respect. + +"Suzanne," I said, "the world is not coming to an end because I have to buy +a pair of slacks. You shall have your new hat to-morrow." + +She clapped her hands in triumph, and a moment's reflection showed me that +I had been caught. If it hadn't been for the conflagration she would never +have dared to ask for a new hat. Now I came to remember, I had taken her +out and bought her one on the first day of my leave. + +However, the damage was done (twice over, in fact), and I sat gently +brooding over it in silence. Suddenly an inspiring thought struck me. +Eagerly I made my way to the writing-table and drew out a long and bulky +envelope from the bottom drawer. For some time I sat there carefully +mastering its contents. + +"What's that funny-looking thing you're reading?" asked my wife at last. + +"Oh, nothing important," I answered as casually as I could. "Er--by the +way, do you know we're insured?" + +"Considering that I've paid the premiums regularly while you were away, I +should think I ought to know." + +"Of course I shall put in a claim for the slacks," I murmured. + +"But how can you?" she asked, and wondering looked at me. "I read the +policy once, and as far as I remember there's nothing whatever about khaki +slacks in it." + +"Do you know what this policy is?" I exclaimed, brandishing the document +impressively. "It's a Comprehensive Householder's policy. I don't know what +a Comprehensive Householder is, but I think I must be one." + +"But I'm _sure_ it says nothing about slacks," she objected. + +"Comprehensive!" I shouted. "That means all-embracing. This policy embraces +my slacks." + +"That sounds almost indelicate." + +"Listen. 'Whereas the undermentioned, hereinafter called the Accused--the +Assured, I mean--has paid blank pounds, shillings and pence Premium or +Consideration ... to insure him/her from loss or damage by Lightning, +Explosion, Earthquake, Thunderbolts ...'" + +"Oo-er," said Suzanne with a shiver. + +"'... Aeroplanes, Airships, and/or other Aerial Craft, Storm, Tempest, +Subterranean Fire ...'" + +"Monsoon, Typhoon, Volcano, Avalanche," put in Suzanne impatiently. "Cut +the cataclysms and come to the slacks." + +"I'm just coming to them. '... Burglary, Housebreaking, Theft and/or +Larceny'--now hold your breath, for we're getting there--'Conflagration +and/or Fire....'" I paused to let it sink in. "The fact is," I continued +weightily, "we've had a Fire." + +"Have we? But I wasn't dressed for it. I should have worn a mauve +_peignoir_, and been carried down to safety by a blond fireman. To have a +fire without a fire-engine is like being married at a registry-office. Next +time--" + +"Nevertheless, we've had a Fire, within the meaning of the policy. Now I'm +going to write a letter to the Insurance Company." + +And I did so to the following effect:-- + + "77, _The Supermansions_, + _S.W._ + +"DEAR SIRS,--I regret to inform you that a fire took place at/in the above +demesne and/or flat after tea to-day and damaged one (1) pair of khaki +slacks/trousers so as to render them unfit for further use. I shall +therefore be glad to receive from you the sum of two guineas, the original +cost price of the damaged article of apparel. + +"Yours, etc." + +Next day I took Suzanne out to buy the new hat. This done, we went on to my +tailor's to replace the ill-starred slacks. A casual inquiry as to price +elicited the statement that it would be four guineas. I cut short a +rambling discourse, in which the tailor sought to saddle various remote +agencies with the responsibility for the increase, and stamped out of the +establishment with the blasphemous vow that I'd get a pair ready-made at +the Stores. + +That evening I received a reply from the Insurance people:-- + +"In all communications please quote Ref. No. 73856/SP/QR. + +"SIR,--We note your claim for garments injured by an outbreak of fire at +your residence. We await the reports of the Fire Brigade and Salvage Corps, +on receipt of which we will again communicate with you. Meanwhile, will you +kindly inform us what other damage was done? + +"We are, yours, etc." + +I at once wrote back to remove their misapprehension:-- + +"DEAR SIRS,--My fire was not what you would call an outbreak. It was +essentially a quiet affair, attended by neither Fire Brigade nor Salvage +Corps, but just the family (like being married at a registry-office, don't +you think?). My khaki slacks were the only articles injured. As I am now +going about without them, you will realise that no time should be lost in +settling the claim. + +"Yours, etc. + +"P.S. I nearly forgot--73856/RS/VP. There!" + +A day or two later I received a request, pitched in an almost slanderously +sceptical tone, for more detailed information. I humoured them, and there +ensued a ding-dong correspondence, in which that wretched Ref. No. was +bandied backwards and forwards with nauseating reiteration, and of which +the following are the salient points:-- + +_They._ Kindly state what you estimate the total value of the contents of +your residence to be. + +_Myself_ (_after a searching inquiry into present prices_). £1,500. + +_They_ (_promptly_). We beg to point out that you are only insured for a +total sum of £750. In accordance with the terms of your policy you are only +entitled to recover such proportion of the value of the loss or damage as +the total insured bears towards the total value of the contents--_i.e._, +one-half. + +_Myself._ Two guineas is exactly one-half of four guineas, the present cost +of slacks. Please see attached affidavit from tailor. (By a masterly stroke +I had actually induced the rascal to set out his iniquity in black and +white.) + +At last, twenty days after the fire, when I had finally screwed myself up +to the point of going out to buy a pair of reach-me-downs, I was rewarded +by receiving a cheque for two guineas from the Insurance Company, "in full +settlement." + +By the same post I received a letter from the Adjutant of my Depôt +informing me that I was not to return at the expiration of my leave, but by +War Office instructions (I will spare you the Ref. No.) was to proceed +instead to the Crystal Palace for immediate demobilization. (That, by the +way, is part of the game of being a volunteer for the Army of Occupation.) +It was Suzanne who brought the two letters into their proper correlation. + +"You won't have to get a new pair of slacks now," she said. + +"Bless my soul, no!" I exclaimed. "Then what ought I to do with this +cheque? Send it back?" + +"Certainly not," cried Suzanne as she snatched it from my wavering hand. +"I've been wanting a new hat for some time." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ANOTHER COMBINE. + +_Bystander._ "'OW YER GOIN', MATE?" + +_Gutter Merchant._ "FINE! I'VE JUST AMALGAMATED WITH THE BUSINESS NEXT +DOOR."] + + * * * * * + +"FRENZIED FINANCE." + + "The guardians want more money also. What the Treasury finan-local + taxations are _only the be_-lical taxations are _only the beginning_ of + the demand upon the citizen's pocket."--_Evening Paper._ + + * * * * * + +"JUMPER CHAMPION. + + "The reference to a young woman living at Esher, Surrey, who has + knitted 50 jumpers since August 20, which her friends claim to be a + world's record for an amateur, has resulted in a challenge. + + "'Jumper,' who lives at Margate, writes: 'I find it quite easy to knit + in the dark and to read while knitting.'"--_Daily Paper_. + +The Margate candidate will get our vote. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SERVANTS' BALL. + +_Groom_ (_somewhat heated_). "CARE FOR A BREATHER, MY LADY?"] + + * * * * * + +MY SALES DAY. + +7.0 to 8.30. Rise, breakfast, and make out shopping-list. I put down:-- + + Waterproof for Henry. + School-frock and boots for the Kid. + Replenish household linen. + +9.0. Arrive at large emporium just as the doors open. Ask to be directed to +gentleman's mackintoshes. Pause on the way to look at evening wraps marked +down from five guineas to 98/11. It seems a sweeping reduction, but I do +not require an evening wrap. + +9.10 to 10.15. Try on evening wraps. Select a perfectly sweet _Rose du +Barri_ duvetyn lined _gris foncé_. + +10.15. Continuing to head for mackintoshes. The course runs past a job-line +in silk hosiery. Remember I ought to get stockings to go with the evening +wrap. + +10.15 to 11.5. Match stockings. + +11.15. Arrive at gentlemen's mackintoshes. Find they are not being reduced +in the sale. Observe however that some handsome silk shirts with broad +stripes are marked half-price; get three for Henry, also a fancy waistcoat +at 6/11-3/4 (was 25/-), only slightly soiled down front. + +11.40. Ask for Children's Department. Take wrong turning and arrive at +millinery. + +11.40 to 1.10. Try on hats. Decide on a ducky little toque and a +fascinating river hat (for next summer). + +1.10 to 1.30. Still asking for Children's Department. When it is finally +given to me I am told that useful school-frocks have all been sold. + +1.30 to 6.30. Drift to Shoe Department; secure a pair of pink satin +slippers--rather tight, but amazingly cheap. Swept by crowd into "Fancy +Goods"; make several purchases. Get taken in a crush to "Evening +Accessories"; am persuaded to buy. + +6.35. Leave emporium. It is raining heavily. + +7.15. Arrive home wet and exhausted. Have an argument, conducted affably on +my side, with Henry, who flatly refuses to wear the half-price striped +shirts or pay for the only-slightly-soiled waistcoat. He makes pointed +remarks about the bad weather, with cynical reference to mackintoshes. Am +struck afresh by the selfishness of men. + +7.45. Remember that I have forgotten household linen and Kid's boots, but +determine not to let this spoil my good temper. + +8.0. Dine alone with Henry. Do my best to show a forgiving spirit in face +of his egoism. So to bed, conscious of a day well spent. + + * * * * * + +OUR DAY OF UNREST. + + ["The great demand of the moment is something fresh to do on Sunday."] + --_Evening Paper._ + + At the ample shrine of pleasure + You have worshipped well and long + On this day of so-called leisure, + Yet you feel there's something wrong. + + _Blasé_ is your air and jaded; + Sabbath hours have lost their zest; + Utter ennui has invaded + Every corner of your chest. + + Sport is shorn of all its glamour; + Motoring proves no more a lure; + So you come to me and clamour + For a speedy psychic cure. + + Well, my friend, if fresh sensation + Is the object of your search, + And you want a consultation, + My advice is, Go to church. + + * * * * * + +BOLSHEVISM IN THE CIVIL SERVICE. + + "Whitley Councils are the latest development in Government offices in + Whitehall. What is aimed at is a system of promotion free and + uninterrupted from top to bottom." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE HEIR PRESUMPTIVE. + +_Labour._ "PERHAPS IT'S A SIZE TOO BIG FOR ME AT PRESENT." + +_Coalition._ "GLAD YOU FEEL LIKE THAT, AS I HAVEN'T QUITE FINISHED WITH +IT."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Soulful Party._ "AH, YES, THE WORLD IS ALWAYS SO--WE NEVER +STREW FLOWERS ON A MAN'S GRAVE UNTIL AFTER HE IS DEAD."] + + * * * * * + +THE CANDOUR OF KEYNES. + +(_Suggested by the perusal of "The Economic Consequences of the Peace."_) + + There was a superior young person named KEYNES + Who possessed an extensive equipment of brains, + And, being elected a Fellow of King's, + He taught Economics and similar things. + + On the outbreak of war he at once made his mark + As a "tempy," but Principal, Treasury Clerk, + And the Permanent Staff and the CHANCELLOR too + Pronounced him a flier and well worth his screw. + + So he went to the Conference, not as a mute, + To act as the CHANCELLOR'S chief substitute, + And in this extremely responsible post + He mingled with those who were ruling the roast. + + The Big and redoubtable Three, 'tis confessed, + By his talent and zeal were immensely impressed; + But, conversely, the fact, which is painful, remains + That they failed to impress the redoubtable KEYNES. + + So, after five months of progressive disgust, + He shook from his feet the Parisian dust, + Determined to give the chief Delegates beans + And let the plain person behind the Peace scenes. + + Though his title is stodgy, yet all must admit + That his pages are seasoned with plenty of wit; + He's alert as a cat-fish; he can't be ignored; + And throughout his recital we never are bored. + + For he's not a mere slinger of partisan ink, + But a thinker who gives us profoundly to think; + And his arguments cannot be lightly dismissed + With cries of "Pro-Hun" or of "Pacificist." + + And yet there are faults to be found all the same; + For example, I doubt if it's playing the game + For one who is hardly unmuzzled to guy + Representative statesmen who cannot reply. + + And while we're amused by his caustic dispraise + Of President WILSON'S Chadbandian ways, + Of the cynical TIGER, laconic and grim, + And our versatile PREMIER, so supple and slim-- + + Still we feel, as he zealously damns the Allies + For grudging the Germans the means to arise, + That possibly some of the Ultimate Things + May even be hidden from Fellows of King's. + + * * * * * + + "The ---- Male Voice Choir and St. ----'s Brass Band discorded Xmas + music."--_Local Paper._ + +We shouldn't wonder. + + * * * * * + + "Another element in the industrial activity of Japan, which is brought + forcibly home to the Westerner, is the obvious pleasure that the + Japanese people take in doing the work which is allotted to them. It is + no uncommon sight to see men laughing merrily as they drag along their + heavy merchandise, or singing as they swing their anvils in a manner + almost reminiscent of the historic village blacksmith."--_Provincial + Paper._ + +And "children coming home from school" know better than to "look in at the +open door." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "GRANDFATHER, I SIMPLY LOVE YOUR NICE LONG BEARD. PROMISE ME +YOU'LL NEVER HAVE IT BOBBED."] + + * * * * * + +THE EGOIST. + +On Monday morning Hereward Vale left home in an unsettled state of mind. +That was putting it mildly. He was thoroughly unhappy. Something was up--he +couldn't tell what--or whether it was his own fault or Mary's. Anyhow, it +didn't seem to matter whose fault it was. The thing had happened. That was +the one overwhelming idea that concerned him. The first shadow had fallen; +their record of complete and perfect happiness was broken. + +The road to the station was a long and particularly beautiful one. Hereward +had always appreciated every inch of it. But to-day he hated it. He hated +the way the yew-trees drooped, the leafless branches of the hazels, the +faded, crumpled blackberry, the scattered decaying leaves. It was really a +remarkable day for November--clear and frosty, with a bright blue sky and +scudding white clouds. A strong north-east wind tested one's vitality. +Hereward's was low. He buttoned his collar and hurried on. + +Mary had never treated him quite like this before. She had always been +tender, sympathetic and understanding with his moods. True, he was trying; +but she had known that before she married him. He was an artist, and an +artist's work, he argued, depended largely on the state of his emotions. He +earned the family bread by the labour of his hands and his hand was the +servant of his mind, and his mind a tempest of moods. Mary had applied +herself to her task with creditable skill. She could always turn his +sullenness to a sort of creative melancholy of which he was rather proud; +his restlessness to energy and his discontent to something like +constructive thinking. How she achieved the miracle he did not know, nor +did he inquire. But he was guided by her as a child by its mother, still +constantly rebelling. + +But to-day the machinery had broken down. Mary had been cool, pleasant and +crisply unemotional at breakfast-time. He had woken up cross and with a +headache. He had a muddled feeling and wanted sorting out. But Mary seemed +quite unaware of it. She had a preoccupied manner; she went about just too +cheerfully, chatting just too pleasantly about trivial things. It was +mechanical, Hereward decided, and, anyway, it wasn't at all what he wanted. +His monosyllabic responses were accepted as perfectly right and natural, +when they were nothing of the sort. She did not get up and pass her hand +lovingly and soothingly over his hair and say things appropriate to his +state of mind. She went on with her breakfast and looked after him kindly +enough, but without solicitude. + +For instance, she made no comment on the fact that he had hardly touched +his bacon; she merely removed his plate and gave him marmalade and toast as +if he had left no bacon at all. She didn't even notice the lines of +suffering on his face, the dark circles under his eyes. He cast a glance in +the mirror when her back was turned to see if they were obvious. They were. +Why wasn't Mary catching his hump? She always did. + +When finally he left the house, a little bent, with no spring in his step, +Mary didn't accompany him to the door. She didn't exchange with him one of +those rapid looks of complete understanding that he had grown so accustomed +to and found so sustaining and helpful. She kissed him firmly and coolly, +almost casually. Just so she might kiss an aunt. + +The train journey was cold and lonely. Nobody he knew was travelling up to +town. He bought a daily paper, but the headlines put him off. They were +nearly all about divorce cases. There was one about a man who had lived for +three years in the same house with his wife without speaking to her. Such +things were possible! He gazed out of the window. The wonderful day had no +charm for him. The feeling of autumn only further increased his sense of +the loss of youth, of the decay of romance. He nursed and nourished his +grievance. He desired that Mary should know what a wreck she had made of +his day, possibly of his life. + +He was in no mood for work. He went up to his studio in Fitzroy Square and +muddled about with pens and ink. He had what he called a good tidy up, and +firmly and consistently threw away every relic of sentiment he had +foolishly preserved. At one o'clock, through habit and not because he was +hungry, he went out and had a lonely lunch at a small restaurant, sitting +at a marble-topped table which imparted to him something of its chill. +After that he loafed about looking at things till dusk. Dusk was quite +unbearable. He fled back to the studio, made up a stupendous fire, lit a +pipe and mused. + +He decided not to go home that night. He felt hurt and ill-used. He would +stay in town and have a thoroughly good time. As the idea struck him he +looked round the studio. The corners were dismal and shadowy. Everything +not in the immediate circle of the fire looked grey and cheerless. His +easel, with a bit of drapery thrown across it, was like a spectre with +outstretched arms. It suggested despair. He could think of no one whom he +wanted to see. There wasn't a soul he knew whom he would not in this crisis +deliberately have avoided. + +So he went to the Russian Ballet and was bored. He had been excited about +_Cleopatra_ the first time he had seen it; he now decided that it was a +great mistake to try to repeat emotional experiences. + +He left hurriedly before the programme was half over. His feet took him +mechanically to Waterloo Station. He looked up a train. The 9.30 was due +out; he sprinted and caught it. The carriage he managed to get into was +empty and warm. He slept; he slept all the way, and it did him good. + +When he arrived at the other end the night was calm and the sky +star-spangled. The walk out exhilarated him; his exasperation was over. +He ran lightly down the leaf-strewn steps of the old garden and looked in +at the window. Mary was seated at the fire. She looked pensive, pretty +and a little sad. He whistled and she smiled up. "Hooray!" she said, "I'd +nearly given you up." She slipped round and had the door open before he +could get out his key and drew him in. She helped him off with his coat +and scanned his face with even more than her usual intentness and +interest. But she didn't ask him why he was late and he didn't tell her. +He thought that could wait. + +Their extemporised supper was a great success, and they sat before the wood +fire far into the night. + +"What was up this morning?" he finally asked. "You weren't quite yourself, +were you?" + +"This morning?" she questioned, puzzled. "Oh, I remember. I woke with a +splitting headache. Did you notice it? You nice old thing!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Musician_ (_having bumped lady with 'cello_). "OH, I _AM_ +SO SORRY." + +_Lady._ "DON'T MENTION IT. I'M PASSIONATELY FOND OF MUSIC."] + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"MR. PIM PASSES BY." + + "The year's at the spring + And day's at the morn... + God's in His heaven-- + All's right with the world!" + +When _Pippa_ "passed," singing songs like that and preoccupied with the +splendid fact of her one day's holiday, she unconsciously brought about a +change for the better in the heart or conscience of all who overheard her. +It was not so with the passing of _Mr. Pim_. Prior to his intrusion, there +had been nothing to disturb the well-ordered existence of _Geo. Marden, +Esq., J.P.,_ and his wife (late Mrs. Tellworthy), except that they did not +see eye to eye on the small question of his niece's early engagement to a +young artist and on the still smaller question of futuristic curtains. Then +came _Mr. Garraway Pim_, a doddering old gentleman, with a thin falsetto +voice and a loosish memory, but otherwise harmless. He arrives with an +introduction from Australia and casually lets fall a tale of a +fellow-passenger with the unusual name of Tellworthy, from which--and +other incidental evidence--_Mrs. Marden_ gathers that her first husband +(an ex-convict) is still alive. Having dropped this thunderbolt he drifts +off, leaving tragedy in his wake. End of Act I. + +_Marden_, highly conscientious, takes the orthodox view that his lawless +marriage must be nullified. His wife, though horrified at the resurrection +of her impossible first husband, permits herself to recognise the +humorously ironic side of things. _Mr. Pim_, fortunately located in the +immediate neighbourhood, is sent for that he may throw further light on the +painful subject of Tellworthy's revival. He now reports--what he had +vaguely imagined himself to have mentioned in the first instance--that +Tellworthy had met his death at Marseilles through swallowing a +herring-bone. The Second Act closes with a burst of jubilant hysterics on +the part of _Mrs. Marden_. + +But the situation is only partially relieved. True, the old husband is dead +all right, but the _Mardens'_ marriage is still bigamous; they have been +living all this time in what would be regarded in the eyes of Heaven (and, +still worse, the county of Bucks) as sin. However, a trifling formality at +a registry-office can rectify this and nobody need be any the wiser. This +at least is _Marden's_ attitude, always free from any suspicion of +complexity. But his wife (if that is the word for her), being of a more +subtle nature, determines to make profit out of the situation. She points +out to him that she is at present the widow Tellworthy and that she must be +wooed all over again, and can only be won on her own terms. These include a +recognition of the niece's engagement (has not the young artist an equal +right with _Marden_ to a speedy marriage with the woman of his choice?) and +a concession to her taste in futuristic curtains. + +[Illustration: A DROPPER OF UNCONSIDERED TRIFLES. + +_Mr. Pim._ Mr. DION BOUCICAULT. + +_Mrs Marden._ Miss IRENE VANBRUGH.] + +At this juncture _Mr. Pim_ drifts in again to correct an error of memory. +The name of the gentleman who succumbed to the herring-bone was not +Tellworthy (he must have got that name into his head through hearing it +mentioned as that of _Mrs. Marden's_ first husband). It was really +Polwhistle--either Henry or Ernest Polwhistle; he was not quite sure which. +Everything is thus restored to the _status quo ante_, except that _Marden_, +in a spasm of generous reaction, feels himself morally bound to abide by +the new conditions that his wife had laid down. + +_Mr. Pim_ only passes by once more to announce his settled conviction that +_Polwhistle's_ Christian name was Ernest and not Henry. + +It will be seen that the play is original in design; but it is also a true +play of character revealed by circumstance. Further--and this is very +rare--it owes nothing to the adventitious aid of the costumier. For the +author's observation of the unities is extended to include the matter of +dress; he allows his people one costume each and no more. + +Miss IRENE VANBRUGH played as if every one of her words had been made +expressly for her, as, no doubt, they were. I have never seen her so +perfect in detail, in the poise of her head, in her least gesture and +intonation, in her swift changes of mood; never so quietly mistress of the +_finesse_ of her art. + +As _Marden_, Mr. BEN WEBSTER was a little restless in a part for which he +was not constitutionally suited, but played with the greatest courage and +sincerity. Mr. DION BOUCICAULT'S study of _Mr. Pim_ was extraordinarily +effective; and the way in which he made the attenuated pipings of this +futile old gentleman carry like the notes of a bell was in itself a +remarkable feat. + +These three were given great chances, full of colour. But in the part of +_Brian Strange_, the boy-lover, by its nature relatively colourless, Mr. +LESLIE HOWARD was hardly less good. He never made anything like a mistake +of manner. I wish I could say the same of his flapper. But Miss COHAN +asserted her good spirits a little too boisterously for the picture. + +I hope I shall not be suspected of partiality towards one of Mr. Punch's +young men if I say that this is the best of the good things that Mr. MILNE +has given us. As in his unacted play, _The Lucky One_, he gives evidence of +a desire, not unfrequent in humourists, to be taken seriously. But he knows +by now that brilliant dialogue is what is expected of him, and he thinks, +too modestly, that he cannot afford to dispense with it for long at a time. +The result is that, after stringing us up to face a tragic situation, he is +tempted to let us down with light-hearted cynicisms. He would hate me to +suggest that Mr. BERNARD SHAW has infected him, but perhaps he wouldn't +mind my hinting at the influence of Sir JAMES BARRIE. Certainly his +_Mardens_ remind me of the _Darlings_ in _Peter Pan_. Just as there we were +invited alternately to weep for the bereaved mother's sorrow and roar over +the bereaved father's buffooneries, so here, though not so disastrously, +our hearts are torn between sympathy for the husband's real troubles and +amusement at the wife's flippant attitude towards the common tragedy. + +I will not deny the sneaking pleasure which this flippancy gave me at the +time, but in the light of calmer reflection I feel that Mr. MILNE would +really have pleased himself better if he could have found the courage to +keep the play on a serious note all through the interval between _Mr. +Pim's_ first and second revelations. Apart from the higher question of +sincerity he would have gained something, in an artistic sense, by getting +a stronger contrast out of the change of situation that followed the +announcement of Tellworthy's demise. + +In the First Act we seemed to have a little too much of the young couple, +but this insistence was perhaps justified by the important part which their +affairs subsequently played (along with the _leit-motif_ of the futuristic +curtains) in the readjustment of the relations between husband and wife. + +If I have any flaw to find in a really charming play, I think it was a +mistake for _Mrs. Marden_ to let _Mr. Pim_ into the secret of her past. As +with the sweet influences of _Pippa_, so with the devastating havoc wrought +by the inexactitudes of _Mr. Pim_, I think he should have been left +unconscious of the effect of his passing. + +For the rest, + + Mr. MILNE'S at his best-- + All's right with the play! + +O.S. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IT WAS UNFORTUNATE THAT BROWN HAD NOT FINISHED HIS +MASTERPIECE, "THE SURRENDER OF THE GARRISON," BY THE TIME THE WAR CAME TO +AN END.] + +[Illustration: HOWEVER, IT NEEDED VERY LITTLE ALTERATION TO MAKE IT +SALEABLE.] + + * * * * * + +EUPHONIOUS ALIENS. + +(_A successful chamber concert has been given by three players, styling +themselves "The Modern Trio," and named as under._) + + You may search through all Europe from Nenagh to Nish + For such a delightfully-named coalish + As that of MANNUCCI and MELZAK and KRISH. + + In MELZAK we note the Slavonic ambish; + MANNUCCI suggests an Italian dish, + And there's an exotic allurement in KRISH. + + Their combined _cantilena's_ as soothing as squish; + 'Twould have banished the madness of SAUL, son of KISH, + Had he listened to MELZAK, MANNUCCI and KRISH. + + Their music, I gather, is wholly delish, + But their names are the thing that I specially wish + To applaud in MANNUCCI and MELZAK and KRISH. + + * * * * * + +THE STRUGGLE FOR LIFE. + + "FOR SALE.--Entire household, $200 cash."--_American Paper_. + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER CRISIS. + +Whether it is due to war-weariness or not the fact remains that the British +public view with apparent apathy the new crises which arise day by day to +threaten their happiness and maybe to change the whole course of their +life. + +Only a few mornings ago we read in _The Daily Chronicle_ the following +momentous statement made by that newspaper's golf correspondent: "I'm told +that the thirty-one pennyweight ball is doomed." Doomed! Yet, so far as +could be observed in the demeanour of the pleasure-seekers in the Strand on +the afternoon of that same day, things might have been exactly as they were +the day before. + +We learn that the sub-committee investigating this matter of the thirty-one +pennyweight ball have consulted both the manufacturers and the +professionals. A ray of hope is given by the statement, made on good +authority, that "the manufacturers have adopted a very reasonable +attitude." The country should be grateful for this. But, on the other hand, +"the professionals want full freedom in the selection of balls." + +To foster a false optimism at this juncture would be criminal, and it may +as well be admitted at once that negotiations are proceeding with +difficulty. As we go to press we learn that a protracted meeting, lasting +from 2 P.M. until after midnight, has been held. The leader of the +manufacturers, on emerging from the conference hall, was seen to look pale +and exhausted. Pushing his way through the pressmen and photographers he +said, "Boys, for the moment we are bunkered; we must employ the niblick. +No, that is all I can tell you;" and he walked quickly away with his hand +to his brow and muttering words seldom heard off the course. + +Equally grave, the organising secretary of the professionals was even less +communicative, for he spoke in his native tongue, and the Scotsman among +the reporters who undertook to translate his remarks was unfortunately +unable to make himself understood. + +The PRIME MINISTER'S Private Secretary has issued to the Press a statement +that Mr. LLOYD GEORGE is keeping in close touch with Walton Heath and the +progress of events, but that at present no useful purpose would be served +by Government interference. + +_The Daily Chronicle_ correspondent also announces that representatives of +American golf are to visit St. Andrews in the Spring to discuss the +question. We trust their visit may not be too late. If the problem is one +that can be solved by dollars no doubt they will come well-equipped for +enforcing American opinion on the British public. We can only hope that +international relationships will not be strained by their deliberations; +let there be a spirit of toleration and a recognition of the rights of +small nations, and all may yet be well. + + * * * * * + +WHY THE SPARROW LIVES IN THE TOWN. + + In noisy towns, where traffic roars and rushes + And where the grimy streets are dark and narrow, + You never see the robins and the thrushes, + Nor hear their songs. Only the City sparrow + Chirps bravely and as cheerily as they, + Although his home is very far away. + + He chirps of lanes, of far-off country places + (This is the sparrows' story that I'm telling); + Long, long ago they lived in sweet wide spaces; + Their homes were in the hedges, gay, green-smelling; + The people, though, came citywards to dwell; + "Then we," the sparrows said, "must go as well. + + "Yes, we're the birds to go, for all our brothers + Would lose their songs in cities dark and crowdy; + Their hearts would break; but we're not like the others, + We cannot sing, our coats are drab and dowdy; + But we can chirp and chirp and chirp again; + The people shan't forget a country lane." + + And so they came, and in all city-weathers + They chirped a note of cheer to exiles weary; + And _still_ the sparrows chirp, for their brown feathers + Hide now, as then, brave kindly hearts and cheery, + Of lanes they've never seen nor lived among, + Of country lanes they sing, the same old song. + + * * * * * + + "SIR ALBERT'S ELEVATION.--'Up, Stanley, up!'--_Shakespeare_ (amended)." + --_Sunday Pictorial._ + +Great SCOTT (WALTER)! + + * * * * * + + "Very attractive was the interior of the ---- Hall, when the Misses + ---- entertained a large number of their friends at an enjoyable dance. + Everything was 'conteur de pose.'"--_Australian Paper._ + +It is very clear they weren't jazzing. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE POST-WAR SPORTSMAN MAKES THE ACQUAINTANCE OF THE +HUNTSMAN.] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +_The Romance of Madame Tussaud's_ (ODHAMS) strikes one, in these days of +universal reminiscence, almost as a _libre à faire_, certainly as a volume +that finds its welcome waiting for it. I suppose there are few unhappy +beings for whom the very name of that gifted lady does not revive something +of the nursery magic that is never quite forgotten. All of which means that +Mr. JOHN T. TUSSAUD, who has written, vivaciously and with obvious +pleasure, this history of the famous show, is (I hope) assured beforehand +of his sales. It is a fat record, taking the story from the earliest wax +profiles made by Dr. CURTIUS for the Parisian aristocracy in the days +before the Revolution; through the Terror, when his niece (afterwards +Madame TUSSAUD) was employed to model notable heads from the basket of the +guillotine, which was itself subsequently to figure amongst the attractions +of her collection, and finally bringing the enterprising artist and her +models to England and Baker Street, whence a comparatively recent move +established them (the foundress in effigy only) in their present palace. I +was especially interested to trace the evidence of close attention paid to +the show by Mr. Punch, and in particular to learn that the title Chamber of +Horrors was first invented by that observer; though the author falls into +an obvious chronological inexactitude in ascribing to these pages a cartoon +by CRUIKSHANK published "in November of Waterloo year." I have no space for +the many queer stories, chiefly of encounters between the quick and the +wax, with which the book abounds, nor for more than mention of its +admirable photographs, of which I should have liked many more. Altogether +it gives an unusual sidelight on the history of two Capitals; and +incidentally, if the reading of it puts others in the same resolve as +myself, an extra turn-stile will be needed in the Marylebone Road. + + * * * * * + +Mr. HARRY TIGHE is something of a problem to me. With the best will in the +world to appreciate what looked like unusual promise I can only regard him +at present as one who is neglecting the good gifts of heaven in the pursuit +apparently of some Jack-o'-lanthorn idea of popularity. No doubt you recall +his first novel, _The Sheep Path_, a sincere and well-observed study of +feminine temperament. This was followed by one that (though it had its +friends) marked, to my thinking, a lamentable fall from grace. He has now +published a third, _Day Dawn_ (WESTALL). Here, though popularity of a kind +may be its reward, the work is still woefully beneath what should be Mr. +TIGHE'S level. Certainly not one of the demands of the circulating +libraries is unfulfilled. We have a fair-haired heroine (victim to +cocaine), a dark and villainous foreigner, a dashing hero, a middle-aged +woman who adores him despite the presence of her husband, himself called +throughout _Baron Brinthall_, a style surely more common in pantomimic +circles than in the drawing-rooms of Mayfair; and the incidents embrace +both murder and suicide. Moreover there is "plenty of conversation," and +the intrigue moves sufficiently quickly (if jerkily) to keep one curious +about the next page. But having very willingly admitted so much I return to +my contention, that for Mr. TIGHE to neglect his sensitive and delicate art +for the antics of these tawdry dolls is to betray both himself and the +craft of which he may still become a distinguished exponent. + + * * * * * + +From the official who is interested in officialdom to the Infantry officer +who is interested in tactics, from the mechanical expert who can appreciate +the technical details of diagrams to the child who revels in faultless +photographs of hair-raising monsters ("I may read it, mother, mayn't I, +when I've unstickied my fingers?" was the way I heard it put), everybody, I +think, will find plenty to attract him in Sir ALBERT STERN'S finely +illustrated _Tanks 1914-1918_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON). Tanks were born at +Lincoln, and rightly so, for did not OLIVER CROMWELL'S Ironsides mostly +come from this region?--and the main theme of this book is to show how much +more formidable an obstacle they found in the files and registries of +Whitehall than in the trenches and wire-entanglements of Flanders and +France. Parents they had and sponsors innumerable. Practical soldiers and +engineers were enthusiastic about them, and the Bosch quaked in his +trenches or ran; but even so late as the autumn of 1917, after General FOCH +(as he was then) had said, "You must make quantities and quantities; we +must fight mechanically," one stout little company of obscurantists bravely +defied the creed of Juggernaut until the irresistible logic of its +successes in the field crushed them remorselessly under the "creeping +grip." And that company, of course, according to Sir ALBERT STERN, was the +British War Office. + + * * * * * + +Let me commend to you _The Mask_ (METHUEN) as a craftsmanlike essay in +imaginative realism; ruthlessly candid and self-revealing, but free from +that tiresome obsession of the ultra-realists that everything that has ever +happened is equally important in retrospect. The narrator, _Vanya +Gombarov_, a Russian Jew, discourses reflectively and detachedly, as it +were from behind a mask, to an English artist friend about his early +childhood in his own land and the dismal adventures of the _Gombarov_ +family in that underworld of exploited and miserable aliens which is one of +the root social problems of America. Very poignantly Mr. JOHN COURNOS makes +you understand the import of the phrase so constantly on the lips of such +victims of their own credulous hopes of El Dorado--"Woe to COLUMBUS!" The +portrait of _Vanya's_ stepfather, brilliant, magnanimous, pursued by an +Æschylean malignity of destiny, fills much of the foreground and is a quite +masterly piece of work. One cannot be wrong in assuming this to be +essential autobiography; there is a passionate conviction as of things +intimately seen and dreadfully suffered. Such material might well have +tempted to a mere piling of squalor upon squalor. A fine discretion has +given a noble dignity to a record through which shines the unquenchable +human spirit. One passage, full of affectionate discernment about London, +will cause a flicker of just pride in everyone who is authentic Cockney, +whether by birth or adoption. A big book of its kind, I dare assert. + + * * * * * + +_Star of India_ (CASSELL) is what Mrs. ALICE PERRIN calls her latest novel, +a title so good that I can only wonder why (or perhaps whether) it has not +been used before. Inside also I found excellent entertainment. One supposes +the author to have been confronted with two main problems with regard to +her plot--how to make sufficiently plausible the marriage between a flapper +(if you will forgive the odious word) of seventeen and a middle-ageing +Anglo-Indian; and, secondly, how to impart any touch of novelty to the +inevitable catastrophe that must attend this union. The first she has +managed by a very cunning suggestion of the mingled jealousy, curiosity and +boredom that drove _Stella_ into the arms of her elderly suitor; the second +by a variety of devices, to indicate which would be to give away the whole +intrigue--one, I may say, whose climax is not nearly so visible from afar +as that of most triangle tales. One point only I will reveal: Mrs. PERRIN +has had the courage, while vindicating her own common-sense judgment upon +such folk, to introduce a second girl, daughter and pupil of one of the +spoon-fed idealists who would govern India with the platitudes of +ignorance, and not only to make her sympathetic, but to convince me of her +attractions, which (especially just now) was not easy work. Decidedly a +first-rate yarn. + + * * * * * + +We may, I think, take it that the love-story in _The Gunroom_ (BLACK) is +fiction pure and naively simple, but that the experiences of _John +Lynwood_, the hero, in the Navy are given as the actual experiences of Mr. +C.L. MORGAN, the author. Let me then at once say that his revelations of +the bullying of junior by senior midshipmen go back to a period before the +War. These "shakings," we are asked to believe, were due partly to custom +and partly to boredom caused by lack of leave. If Mr. MORGAN is correct +both in his facts and surmises it is satisfactory to think that the War +must have obliterated the boredom which provoked such excesses, and one +need not be a fanatical opponent of physical punishment to hope that such +forms of tyranny will never again be tolerated as a matter of custom. I am +obliged to conclude that these incidents in _Lynwood's_ career are +absolutely true, for certainly nothing less than absolute truth could +excuse their appearance in print; but at the same time I must confess that +any attack upon our Navy is apt with me to act as an irritant. The more +reason that I should honestly admit Mr. MORGAN'S merits and say that he +writes with a nice sense of style, and that his book does not derive its +only interest from its revelations. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR LAUNDRIES: THE COLLAR-FINISHER.] + + * * * * * + +HUNTING EXTRAORDINARY. + +"GOOD SPORT WITH THE HOLDERNESS. + + "A stout ox led the field into Bilton village."--_Provincial Paper._ + + * * * * * + +RÉCHAUFFÉS FOR CANNIBALS. + + "A company, numbering over 80, sat down to dinner, the host and hostess + (Mr. and Mrs. ----) proving, as usual, a first-class menu."--_Local + Paper._ + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +158, JANUARY 14, 1920*** + + +******* This file should be named 16107-8.txt or 16107-8.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/6/1/0/16107 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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