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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/16107-8.txt b/16107-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..691c5f6 --- /dev/null +++ b/16107-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2111 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, +January 14, 1920, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, January 14, 1920 + + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: June 22, 2005 [eBook #16107] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 158, JANUARY 14, 1920*** + + +E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins, and the Project +Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net) + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 16107-h.htm or 16107-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/6/1/0/16107/16107-h/16107-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/6/1/0/16107/16107-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 158 + +JANUARY 14TH, 1920 + + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +The Premier, says a contemporary, has become greatly attached to a white +terrier puppy that he brought with him from Colwyn Bay. The report that it +has been taught to run after its own tail by Mr. LLOYD GEORGE himself is +probably the work of malice. + +* * * + +Our heart goes out to the tenant of an experimental wooden house who is +advertising for the assistance of the man who successfully held up a +post-office in London about a fortnight ago. + +* * * + +A London carman is said to have summoned his neighbour for calling him an +O.B.E. We are sure he could not have meant it. + +* * * + +"The most hygienic dress for all boys is the Scots kilt," says a +correspondent of _The Daily Mail_. "My own boys wear nothing else." We are +glad to see that the obsolete Highland Practice of muffling the ears in a +cairngorm has been definitely discarded. + +* * * + +According to a contemporary a new form of road surface material, which is +not injurious to fish, has been produced by the South Metropolitan Gas +Company. The utilisation of some of the deeper cavities in our highways for +the purpose of food production has long been a favourite theme of ours. + +* * * + +"Having a tooth drawn," says a writer in _Health Hints_, "has its +advantages." It certainly tends to keep one's mind off the Coalition. + +* * * + +Two men have been charged at Sutton with selling water for whisky. People +are now asking the exact date when this was first made an offence. + +* * * + +At the present time a missionary costs twice as much as before the War, +says the Rev. W.J. FULLERTON. Many a cassowary has been complaining +bitterly of the high cost of this comestible. + +* * * + +A new tango will be danced for the first time on January 15th, says _The +Daily Express_. For ourselves we shall try to go about our business just as +if nothing really serious had happened. + +* * * + +Asked by the magistrate if her husband had threatened her, a Stratford +woman replied, "No; he only said he would kill me." Almost any little thing +seems to irritate some people. + +* * * + +It appears that, after reading various references about his trial in the +London papers, the ex-Kaiser was heard to say that if we were not very +careful he would wash his hands of the whole business. + +* * * + +There is a lot of wishy-washy talk about the Bolshevists, says a Labour +paper. Wishy, perhaps, but from what we see of their pictures in the +papers, not washy. + +* * * + +"Supplies of string for letter mail-bags," says _The Post Office Circular_, +"will in future be 19 inches in length, instead of 18 inches." It is the +ability to think out things like this that has made us the nation we are +to-day. + +* * * + +Offers are invited in a contemporary for a large quantity of tiger skins. +People should first make sure that the rest of the tiger has been properly +removed before purchasing. + +* * * + +The composer of an American ragtime song is to have a statue erected to him +in New York. It is hoped that this warning will have the desired effect on +any composers in this country who may be tempted to commit a similar error. + +* * * + +We understand that, after several weeks of careful investigation into +details, the special Committee appointed by the Government to deal with +Germany's refusal to pay for her sunken fleet at Scapa have now recommended +that no receipt should be given until the money is handed over. + +* * * + +"You will soon be able to get work," said the Kingston magistrate to a man +summoned for income-tax. This is the sort of thoughtless remark that tends +to embitter the unemployed. + +* * * + +According to an evening paper, Granny LAMBERT, of Edmonton, proposed to the +reporter who visited her on her one-hundred-and-sixth birthday. As, +however, she is experiencing some difficulty in obtaining the consent of +her parents the affair may possibly fall through. + +* * * + +Much sympathy is felt for the scrum-half who will be unable to assist his +team this month on account of being severely crocked whilst helping his +wife at the Winter sales. + +* * * + +The London policeman who went across to Ireland for his Christmas holiday +is still under strict observation by mental experts. + +* * * + +We hear that the Congo Government have now decided that all Brontosauri +must in future carry a red front light and a green rear light when +travelling at night-time. + +* * * + +The War Office is said to be making preparations to abolish the Tank Corps. +It appears that the Major-General who recently drove from Whitehall to +Tothill Street in one of these vehicles has reported unfavourably upon +them, saying that he never got a wink of sleep the whole time. + +* * * + +A remarkable echo of Armageddon is reported from the Wimbledon district. A +subscriber was rung up the other day by "Trunks" and asked if he still +wished to say good-bye to himself before leaving for the Somme. + +* * * + +Thistles do more damage to agriculture than rats, declared the +Montgomeryshire Agricultural Executive Committee. Stung by this +uncalled-for attack on his national vegetable a Scotchman writes to say +that within his knowledge more arable land has been laid waste by leeks +than by any other noxious weed. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Professor's Wife._ "SEPTIMUS, THE THAW HAS BURST THE +PIPES." + +_Professor._ "NO, NO, MARIE. AS I'VE HAD OCCASION TO EXPLAIN TO YOU EVERY +YEAR SINCE I CAN REMEMBER, IT'S THE FROST THAT BURSTS THE PIPES--_NOT_ THE +THAW."] + + * * * * * + +FASHIONS FOR MEN. + + ["Who will help the Disposal Board by starting some new fashion that + would enable it to get rid of a great consignment of kilts as worn by + the London Scottish, the Royal Scots and the Highland Light Infantry?" + --_Mrs. KELLAWAY on the Disposal Board's "Curiosity Shop."_] + + There are who hanker for a touch of colour, + So to relieve their sombre air; + For me, I like my clothes to be much duller + Than what the nigger minstrels wear; + I hold by sable, drab and grey; + I do not wish to be a popinjay. + + In vain my poor imagination grapples + With these new lines in fancy shades, + These purple evening coats with yellow lapels, + These vests composed in flowered brocades; + Nor can I think that noisy checks + Would help me to attract the other sex. + + With gaudy schemes that rouse my solemn dander + I leave our frivolous youth to flirt; + A riband round my straw--for choice, Leander; + A subtle nuance in my shirt; + For tie, the colours of my school-- + These are the limits of my austere rule. + + But, when they'd have me swathe the clamorous tartan + In lieu of trousers round my waist, + Then they evoke the spirit of the Spartan + Inherent in my simple taste; + Inexorably I decline + To drape the kilt on any hips of mine. + + It may be they will count me over-modest, + Deem me Victorian, dub me prude; + I may have early views, the very oddest, + On what is chaste and what is rude; + Yet am I certain that my leg + Would not look right beneath a filibeg. + + I love the Scot as being truly British; + Golf (and the Union) makes us one; + Yet to my nature, which is far from skittish + And lacks his local sense of fun, + There is a something almost foreign + About his strange attachment to the sporran. + + So, when a bargain-sale is held of chattels + Surviving from the recent War-- + Textiles and woollens, built for use in battles-- + And Scotland's there inquiring for + The kilt department, I shall not + Be found competing. She can have the lot. + + +O.S. + + * * * * * + +THE DOMESTIC PROBLEM. + +"Well, I've been to see three of them now," she said. "The first is at +Shepherd's Bush--" + +"What pipes!" I ejaculated. "What music! What wild ecstasy!" + +"--four hundred yards from the Central Tube, to be exact; and there's a +large roller skating-rink next door. You never rolled, did you? Three +sessions daily, the advertisement says." + +"I'm afraid I sat oftener than that when I rolled," I confessed. "'Another +transport split,' as the evening papers say. I wonder whether Sir ERIC +GEDDES is the rink-controller. But tell me a little about the house. I +suppose there's a high premium and a deep basement?" + +"There are." + +"Next, please." + +"The next is at Chiswick; very damp and miles and miles to catch your bus. +And there's a basement again." + +"You might grow mushrooms in the basement," I said hopefully, "while I +hunted my Pimlico on the shore. What about the third?" + +"The third is at Hampstead, very high up and very salubrious. The agent +says we should be able to overlook the whole of London." + +"Impossible," I protested; "you can't ignore a thing like London." + +"I don't think he meant that exactly," she explained. "He said that from +the top bedroom window on bright days one could catch a glimpse of the dome +of St. Paul's." + +"That will be rather fine," I agreed. "We can have afternoon receptions in +the top bedroom, and print 'To meet the Dean and Chapter' on the card. +People love meeting Chapters in real life. What is the rental of this +eyrie?" + +She told me. It was as high as the site; and, again, there was a dug-out +underneath. + +"You haven't tried Ponder's End?" I said at last. "I've often seen those +words on a bus, and a lot of sad-looking people on the top, pondering, I +suppose, the inevitable end." + +"Well, which of them are we going to choose? It's the servant problem +that's the real trouble, you know. They simply won't cope with a basement +nowadays." + +"I think you overestimate the help crisis," I said. "There are two things +that they really want. The first is to have employers absolutely dependent +on them, and the second is a gay life. To take the first. I remember that +when I was in digs--" + +"Do you mind if I knit?" she asked. + +--"when I was in digs it was my landlady's fondest delusion that I could do +nothing to help myself. And, of course, I was bound to foster the idea. +Every night I used to hide my pipe behind the coal-scuttle or my latchkey +in the aspidistra, just for her to find. There was rather a terrible moment +once when she came in unexpectedly and caught me losing half-a-crown +underneath the hearth-rug; but I pretended to be finding it, and saved the +situation. It will be just the same with you. You will go down into the +basement and pretend to mistake the flour for the salt, and the cook will +love you for ever. It's all done by kindness and incompetence." + +"I suppose it is," she said doubtfully. + +"And then there's amusements," I went on. "We will have Charles in once or +twice a week. No servant who has ever heard Charles trying to sing would +prefer a night out at the cinema or the skating-rink. If she does, we'll +get a gramophone." + +"Not for worlds," she gasped. + +"Oh, _you_ wouldn't have to listen to it. It would live in the basement, +and HARRY LAUDER would help the girl to clean the knives and break the +cups, and GEORGE ROBEY would make washing the dishes one grand sweet song. +The basement would be a fairyland." + +"All this doesn't seem to get us much further," she complained, "in +deciding which of those houses we're going to take." + +"Oh, doesn't it?" I said, and, sitting down, I wrote a few lines rapidly +and handed her the draft for approval. She approved. + +And that is why, if you look at _The Times'_ "Domestic Situations" column +to-morrow, you may see the following announcement:-- + +HOUSE-PARLOURMAID WANTED, helpless couple, where gramophone kept; state +whether Hampstead, Chiswick or Shepherd's Bush preferred. + +EVOE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ANOTHER TURKISH CONCESSION. + +TURKEY (_anxious to save the Peace Conference from embarrassment_). +"EUROPE! WITH ALL THY FAULTS I LOVE THEE STILL. IF THOU INSISTEST, I AM +PREPARED TO STAY WITH THEE, BAG AND BAGGAGE."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "OH, YES, MADAM, BRITANNIA WILL SUIT YOU ADMIRABLY. AND WHAT +ABOUT THE GENTLEMAN?" + +"OH, HE'S GOING IN HIS DINNER-JACKET, REPRESENTING ONE OF THE SMALLER +NATIONS."] + + * * * * * + +OUR INVINCIBLE NAVY. + +ORDEAL BY WATER. + +When the innermost recesses of the Admiralty archives yield their secrets +to the historian there will be some strange and stirring events to relate. +But however diligently the chroniclers may search amongst the accumulated +records at Whitehall there will still remain one outstanding performance, +one shining example of courage and endurance of which no trace can there be +found; for it was never officially known how Reginald McTaggart upheld the +honour of the White Ensign in the Gulf of Lyons. + +Reginald does not in the ordinary way suffer from excess of modesty; indeed +he has been known to hint that on more than one occasion it was primarily +due to his efforts that the world was eventually made safe for democracy; +but of this his greatest exploit he will never speak without pressure, and +even then but diffidently. + +When WILLIAM HOHENZOLLERN first cried "Havoc" and let slip the Prussian +Guard, Reginald was among the most unsophisticated of landsmen. He had +never in his life so much as heard a bo'sun's pipe and could scarcely +distinguish a battleship from a bathing-machine. But the blood of a +maritime ancestry ran hot in his veins, and, being too highly educated to +get on in the Army, he placed himself at the disposal of the Senior +Service, which embraced him gladly. Henceforth his career was one of +unbroken triumph. + +Having taken a First in Mechanical Sciences at Cambridge, Reginald was at +once detailed off for deck-swabbing on a Portsmouth depôt ship; but one day +an enterprising Rear-Admiral of the younger school, noting his scientific +manner of manipulating a squeegee, had him sent before the Flag Captain, +who, on learning his antecedents, recommended the blushing Reginald for the +post of batman to the Senior Wireless Officer. Here his talents showed to +such advantage that in a little over a year he received a commission as +technical officer, and was placed in charge of an experimental Torpedo +School, well away from the storms and tempests that vexed his less gifted +brothers. + +It were tedious to relate Reginald's adventures during the next two +years--how time and again he baffled the cunning devices of the German +naval scientists--how he invented a pivotal billiard-table for use on +drifters in rough weather and perfected an electro-magnetic contrivance by +means of which enemy submarines were inveigled into torpedoing themselves +without warning. All this and much else is accessible to the formal +historian; besides, Reginald tells people himself. We will hurry on to the +grand exploit. + +It occurred shortly after he was appointed to a post on the British Naval +Mission at Athens. He had left England little more than a month when the +Sea Lords became uneasy. Trouble broke out among the torpedoes and there +was no one to set matters right. Paragraphs began to appear in the Press. +The result was an urgent wireless message to Athens recalling Reginald at +once. There was to be no delay. + +"Are you prepared to start immediately?" asked the Vice-Admiral, when he +had briefly outlined the situation. + +Reginald saluted briskly. + +"I don't quite know how you'll go," continued the Vice-Admiral. "We haven't +an armed ship sailing West for a week. There's a little Greek trading +steamer leaving for Marseilles to-morrow morning, but I'm afraid you would +find her very incommodious. Would you care to risk it?" + +"I start in the morning, Sir," said Reginald tersely. + +The Vice-Admiral seized his hand and wrung it warmly. + +When Reginald came down to the harbour and saw the craft on which he had +undertaken to embark he was seized with a sudden faintness. Even the +toughest seafarer would have thought twice before venturing beyond the +breakwater in such an unsavoury derelict; and Reginald, be it remembered, +had only once in his life made a sea voyage, and that in the peaceful +security of an ironclad. His heart quailed beneath his Commander's uniform. + +However, setting his teeth and consoling himself with the thought that she +would undoubtedly fall to pieces before they could leave the harbour +behind, he went aboard. + +The master, an unprepossessing but exceedingly polite child of the Ægean, +was overwhelmed at the prospect of carrying a British Naval Commander as +passenger. He saluted wildly; he gesticulated; it was too much honour. +Would his Excellency the Commander accept the use of his poor state-room-- +yes? Would he undertake the navigation of this so dangerous voyage--no? Ah, +but he would seek his so expert advice in the sudden perilous moment--good. +Reginald bowed nervously. + +At first all went well. Except for the atmosphere of the state-room, which +was richly tinged with a mixed odour of mildewed figs and rotten +pomegranates, and the uncomfortable feeling that, unless he trod +delicately, the decks would crumble away and deposit him in the bosom of +the Mediterranean, Reginald was fairly happy. A ready wit and a dignified +bearing combined to cloak his lack of seamanship and kept the skipper in a +fit state of humility and awe. + +But in the Gulf of Lyons a breeze sprang up. It was quite a gentle breeze +at first, and Reginald found it rather stimulating. Towards evening, +however, it freshened, and the ship began to stagger. Reginald became +conscious of those disquieting symptoms common to landsmen in such case. +Fearful for his reputation he crept below to suffer in solitude. + +By midnight it was blowing a gale, and Reginald had lost interest in life. +He was thinking mournfully of the vanity of all human desires when a +message was brought from the captain. They were about to perish. Would his +Excellency the Commander come up to the bridge and save them, please? + +It was a painful predicament, and Reginald was justly horrified. Could he +venture out and display the weakness of the British Navy in the face of a +crew of unwashed Greek matelots? On the other hand, could he skulk in his +cabin and allow the Master to doubt his courage and resource? He rose and +lurched unsteadily on deck. + +The Captain was distinctly excited. Destruction was imminent. He had +appealed to the Saints without avail. Would the British Commander come to +their assistance? What did his Excellency think of it? + +Reginald thought it was perfectly horrible. He had never thought such a +ghastly scene possible. The ship appeared on the point of turning turtle +and he was soaked to the skin already. Then, realizing that he could not +remain on the bridge another minute without internal disaster, he made a +supreme effort. + +"My dear skipper," he howled at the top of his voice, "you surely don't +call this a storm? The merest breeze, I assure you. I really can't be +disturbed for such a trifle. If it begins to blow at all during the night +let me know and I'll come up and take the matter in hand;" and without +waiting for a reply he scrambled down from the bridge and made a dash for +the seclusion of the state-room. + +Next morning they were rolling in the swell off Marseilles, with the +prestige of the British Navy, if possible, higher than ever. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: POLICE CONSTABLE (DEMOBILISED OFFICER) MEETS AN OLD FRIEND +FROM FRANCE.] + + * * * * * + + "The Lord Mayor of Dublin has placed a room in the City Hall at the + disposal of the Labour party for the reception of reputations."--_Irish + Paper_. + +A kindly thought. Reputations are so easily lost in Ireland. + + * * * * * + +JAZZERWOCKY. + +(_With apologies to LEWIS CARROLL._) + + 'Twas grillig, and the Jazzlewags + Did glomp and scrimble o'er the board; + All gladsome were their dazzlerags, + And the loud Nigs uproared. + + "Beware the Tickle Trot, my son, + The feet that twink, the hands that clug; + Beware the Shimmy Shake and shun + The thrustful Bunny Hug." + + He put his pumpsious shoon on foot, + He bent his knees to slithe and sprawl, + Till, fagged and flausted by disdoot, + He brooded by the wall. + + And, as in broody ease he lay, + The Jazzerwock, with shoulders bare, + Came swhiffling through the juggly fray + And grapped him by the hair. + + One, two! One, two! And through and through + The prancing maze they reeled and pressed, + Till both his feet ignored the beat + And woggled with the best. + + "And hast thou learnt at last to jazz? + Come take my arm, my clomplish boy;" + O hectic day! Cheero! Cheeray! + He chwinckled in his joy. + + 'Twas grillig, and the Jazzlewags + Did glomp and scrimble o'er the board; + All gladsome were their dazzlerags, + And the loud Nigs uproared. + + * * * * * + +A PAINFUL SUBJECT. + +I do not love dentists. In this antipathy I am not unique, I fancy. One +never sees photographs of family dentists standing on mantelpieces heavily +framed in silver; and, though _The Forceps_ presents a coloured supplement +depicting a prominent ivory-hunter with every Christmas number, there is, I +am told, no violent demand for it outside the Profession. + +This is not to be wondered at. A man who spends his life climbing into +people's mouths and playing "The Anvil Chorus" on their molars with a +monkey-wrench, who says, "Now this won't hurt you in the least," and then +deals one a smart rap on a nerve with a pickaxe--such a man cannot expect +to be popular. He must console himself with his fees. + +I do not love dentists, I repeat, but I am also not infatuated with +toothache. It is not that I am a coward. Far from it. Arterial sclerosis, +glycosuria, follicular tonsillitis and, above all, sleeping sickness I can +bear with fortitude--that is, I feel sure I could--but toothache, no! I am +not ashamed of it. Every brave man has at least one weakness. Lord +ROBERTS'S was cats. Achilles' was tendons. Mine is toothache (Biographers, +please note). When my jaw annoys me I try to propitiate it with libations +of whisky, brandy, iodine, horse-blister and patent panaceas I buy from +sombreroed magicians in the Strand. If these fail I totter round to the +dentist, ring the bell and run away. If the maid catches me before I can +escape and turns me into the waiting-room I examine the stuffed birds and +photographs of Brighton Pier until she has departed, then slither quietly +down the banisters, open the street door and gallop. If I am pushed +directly into the _abattoir_ I shake the dentist warmly by the hand, ask +after his wife and children, his grandfather and great-aunt, and tell him I +have only dropped in to tune the piano. If that is no good I try to make an +appointment for an afternoon this year, next year, some time, never. If +that too is useless and he insists on putting me through it there and then, +I take every anodyne he's got--cocaine, morphia, chloroform, ether, gas, +also a couple of anæsthetists to hold my hand when I go off and kiss me +when I come round again. + +One of my chief objections to dentists is that they will never listen to +reason; explanations are quite thrown away on them. They only let you talk +at all in order to get your face open, and then into it they plunge their +powerful antiseptic-tasting hands and you lose something. I never go near a +dentist without paying the extreme penalty. (None of those cunning little +gold-tipped caps or reinforced concrete suspension-bridges for me. Out it +comes. Blood and iron every time). I admit they frequently appease my +anguish. Almost invariably among the teeth of which they relieve me at each +sitting is included the offending one. But still I maintain my right to +have a say in my own afflictions. The doctors let one. I've got a physician +who lets me have any disease I fancy (except German measles and Asiatic +cholera; for patriotic reasons he won't hear a good word spoken for either +of them; says we've got just as good diseases of our own. Damned +insularity!). + +If I send for this doctor he comes along, sits quietly beside my bed, +eating my grapes, while I tell him where the pain isn't. The recital over +he hands me a selection of ailments to pick from. I choose one. He tells me +what the symptoms are, drinks my invalid port, creeps downstairs and breaks +the news to the hushed and awe-stricken family. A chap like that makes +suffering a pleasure and is a great comfort in a home like mine, where a +sick bed is the only sort you are allowed to lie in after 10 A.M. Without +the fellow's ready sympathy I doubt if I should secure any sleep at all. +One gets no assistance of that kind from dentists, although they give you +more pain in ten seconds than a doctor does in ten years. + +No dentist ever sees me home after the slaughter, orders me a diet of +chicken breast, _pêche Melba_ and champagne, or warns my family that I am +on no account to be disturbed until lunch. No, they jerk your jaw off its +hinges and dump your remains on the doorstep for the L.C.C. rubbish cart to +collect. + +Another thing: dentists should not be allowed out loose about the streets. +They exercise a blighting influence. You are strolling along in the +sunshine, head high, chest expanded, telling some wide-eyed young thing +what you and HAIG did to LUDENDORFF, when suddenly you meet the dentist. +You look at him, he looks at you, and his eyes seem to say, "What ho, my +hero! Last week you went to ground under my sofa and couldn't be dislodged +until I put the page-boy in to ferret you." + +"And what happened then," inquires the wide-eyed young thing, "after you +had caught the Hun tank by the tail and ripped it up with a tin-opener?" + +"After that," says the eye of the dentist, "you wept, you prayed, you lay +on the floor and kicked, you--" + +"And did you kill all the crew yourself?" bleats the maiden, "single-handed +--every one of them?" + +"Oh, I--er," you stutter--"what I mean to say--that is--Oh, dash it, let's +go and get tea somewhere, what?" + +PATLANDER. + + * * * * * + +From the _dramatis personæ_ in a Malta opera-programme:-- + + "Singers, Old Beans, and Abbés." + +The "old beans" no doubt were drawn from the local garrison. + + * * * * * + + "The old wooden streets which survived in the more ancient parts of the + capital [Petrograd] have, on account of the lack of fuel since the + Bolshevists became all-powerful, been torn down and demobilished."-- + _Daily Paper_. + +The last word in destructiveness. + + * * * * * + + "The standing joint committee of the Industrial Women's Organisations + have passed a resolution unanimously endorsing the action of the + Consumers' Council in opposing the decontrol of meat."--_Daily + Graphic_. + +The "standing joint" committee would seem to be the very one for the job. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MANNERS AND MODES. + +HOW TO APPEAR BEAUTIFUL THOUGH PLAIN:--SURROUND YOURSELF WITH SPECIMENS OF +THE LATEST ART.] + + * * * * * + + DRESS OF THE DAY. + + "BATHROOM TOILETTES. + + "This season balls and dances, both private and public, are being given + in greater numbers than ever."--_Local Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "A couple of ciphers, followed by a string of noughts, represents + Germany's debt to France. And it looks as if the noughts are all France + will get in the present generation."--_Evening Paper._ + +But it is possible that under pressure Germany might throw in the ciphers +as well. + + * * * * * + +"LOST AND FOUND. + +"ADDRESS BY THE LORD ADVOCATE. + + "Will the party who took the wrong Umbrella from the Ante-Room, Music + Hall, kindly return same in exchange for his own to ----, Music Hall?" + --_Scotch Paper._ + +An odd address for the LORD ADVOCATE. + + * * * * * + + "Wells' 'History of the Universe' describes the slow disappearance of + certain species, taking hundreds of thousands of years to do it."-- + _Daily Paper_. + +In an age of hustle it is gratifying to find one eminent author approaching +his work with due deliberation. + + * * * * * + + THE PROFITEER'S ANTHEM. + + "The Hymns to be sung will be: (1) 'All people that on earth do + well.'..."--_Rangoon Times._ + + * * * * * + +From _Surplus_, the official organ of the Disposal Board:-- + +"PORK AND BEANS. + + "16 oz. tins (15 ozs. Beans and Sauce, 1 oz. Pork); 21 oz. tins (20 ozs. + Beans and Sauce, 1 oz. Pork)." + +So the question which vexed many billets on the Western Front is now +answered. There _was_ pork in it. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BEHIND THE SCENES IN CINEMA-LAND. + +"YOU'RE IN LUCK, MY BOY. THEY'VE IMPORTED A GENUINE MEXICAN BANDIT FOR YOUR +KNIFE-FIGHT SCENE IN 'BAD HAT, THE HALF-BREED.'"] + + * * * * * + +MY FIRE. + +"Seventy-five per cent. of the world's accidents arise from gross +carelessness!" I thundered at Suzanne, who for the fifteenth time in five +years of matrimony had left her umbrella in the 'bus. Being on a month's +leave, and afraid of losing by neglect the orderly-room touch, I thought +fit to practise on her the arts of admonition. Admonishing, I wagged at her +the match with which I was in the act of lighting my pipe. Wagging the +match, I did not notice the live head drop off on to the khaki slacks which +I had donned that afternoon to grace a visit to the War Office. Only when I +traced Suzanne's petrified stare to its target did I discover that a +ventilation hole had been created in a vital part of His Majesty's uniform. + +With great presence of mind I put out the conflagration before venturing on +an encounter with Suzanne's eye. + +"You were discussing accidents," she observed sweetly. "What percentage of +them did you say was due to gross carelessness?" + +I did not bandy words. There was no escaping the fact that they were, as +Suzanne reminded me, my sole surviving pair of khaki slacks, and that I +should certainly have to get a new pair before returning to the Depôt; for +these were obviously beyond wear or repair. + +"Well, anyhow I've three weeks to get them in," I said as lightly as I +could. "My leave isn't up till the end of the month." + +"Men's clothes are terribly dear just now," remarked Suzanne pensively. +"And I _was_ going to ask you to give me a new hat. But now I suppose--" + +This roused my pride and self-respect. + +"Suzanne," I said, "the world is not coming to an end because I have to buy +a pair of slacks. You shall have your new hat to-morrow." + +She clapped her hands in triumph, and a moment's reflection showed me that +I had been caught. If it hadn't been for the conflagration she would never +have dared to ask for a new hat. Now I came to remember, I had taken her +out and bought her one on the first day of my leave. + +However, the damage was done (twice over, in fact), and I sat gently +brooding over it in silence. Suddenly an inspiring thought struck me. +Eagerly I made my way to the writing-table and drew out a long and bulky +envelope from the bottom drawer. For some time I sat there carefully +mastering its contents. + +"What's that funny-looking thing you're reading?" asked my wife at last. + +"Oh, nothing important," I answered as casually as I could. "Er--by the +way, do you know we're insured?" + +"Considering that I've paid the premiums regularly while you were away, I +should think I ought to know." + +"Of course I shall put in a claim for the slacks," I murmured. + +"But how can you?" she asked, and wondering looked at me. "I read the +policy once, and as far as I remember there's nothing whatever about khaki +slacks in it." + +"Do you know what this policy is?" I exclaimed, brandishing the document +impressively. "It's a Comprehensive Householder's policy. I don't know what +a Comprehensive Householder is, but I think I must be one." + +"But I'm _sure_ it says nothing about slacks," she objected. + +"Comprehensive!" I shouted. "That means all-embracing. This policy embraces +my slacks." + +"That sounds almost indelicate." + +"Listen. 'Whereas the undermentioned, hereinafter called the Accused--the +Assured, I mean--has paid blank pounds, shillings and pence Premium or +Consideration ... to insure him/her from loss or damage by Lightning, +Explosion, Earthquake, Thunderbolts ...'" + +"Oo-er," said Suzanne with a shiver. + +"'... Aeroplanes, Airships, and/or other Aerial Craft, Storm, Tempest, +Subterranean Fire ...'" + +"Monsoon, Typhoon, Volcano, Avalanche," put in Suzanne impatiently. "Cut +the cataclysms and come to the slacks." + +"I'm just coming to them. '... Burglary, Housebreaking, Theft and/or +Larceny'--now hold your breath, for we're getting there--'Conflagration +and/or Fire....'" I paused to let it sink in. "The fact is," I continued +weightily, "we've had a Fire." + +"Have we? But I wasn't dressed for it. I should have worn a mauve +_peignoir_, and been carried down to safety by a blond fireman. To have a +fire without a fire-engine is like being married at a registry-office. Next +time--" + +"Nevertheless, we've had a Fire, within the meaning of the policy. Now I'm +going to write a letter to the Insurance Company." + +And I did so to the following effect:-- + + "77, _The Supermansions_, + _S.W._ + +"DEAR SIRS,--I regret to inform you that a fire took place at/in the above +demesne and/or flat after tea to-day and damaged one (1) pair of khaki +slacks/trousers so as to render them unfit for further use. I shall +therefore be glad to receive from you the sum of two guineas, the original +cost price of the damaged article of apparel. + +"Yours, etc." + +Next day I took Suzanne out to buy the new hat. This done, we went on to my +tailor's to replace the ill-starred slacks. A casual inquiry as to price +elicited the statement that it would be four guineas. I cut short a +rambling discourse, in which the tailor sought to saddle various remote +agencies with the responsibility for the increase, and stamped out of the +establishment with the blasphemous vow that I'd get a pair ready-made at +the Stores. + +That evening I received a reply from the Insurance people:-- + +"In all communications please quote Ref. No. 73856/SP/QR. + +"SIR,--We note your claim for garments injured by an outbreak of fire at +your residence. We await the reports of the Fire Brigade and Salvage Corps, +on receipt of which we will again communicate with you. Meanwhile, will you +kindly inform us what other damage was done? + +"We are, yours, etc." + +I at once wrote back to remove their misapprehension:-- + +"DEAR SIRS,--My fire was not what you would call an outbreak. It was +essentially a quiet affair, attended by neither Fire Brigade nor Salvage +Corps, but just the family (like being married at a registry-office, don't +you think?). My khaki slacks were the only articles injured. As I am now +going about without them, you will realise that no time should be lost in +settling the claim. + +"Yours, etc. + +"P.S. I nearly forgot--73856/RS/VP. There!" + +A day or two later I received a request, pitched in an almost slanderously +sceptical tone, for more detailed information. I humoured them, and there +ensued a ding-dong correspondence, in which that wretched Ref. No. was +bandied backwards and forwards with nauseating reiteration, and of which +the following are the salient points:-- + +_They._ Kindly state what you estimate the total value of the contents of +your residence to be. + +_Myself_ (_after a searching inquiry into present prices_). £1,500. + +_They_ (_promptly_). We beg to point out that you are only insured for a +total sum of £750. In accordance with the terms of your policy you are only +entitled to recover such proportion of the value of the loss or damage as +the total insured bears towards the total value of the contents--_i.e._, +one-half. + +_Myself._ Two guineas is exactly one-half of four guineas, the present cost +of slacks. Please see attached affidavit from tailor. (By a masterly stroke +I had actually induced the rascal to set out his iniquity in black and +white.) + +At last, twenty days after the fire, when I had finally screwed myself up +to the point of going out to buy a pair of reach-me-downs, I was rewarded +by receiving a cheque for two guineas from the Insurance Company, "in full +settlement." + +By the same post I received a letter from the Adjutant of my Depôt +informing me that I was not to return at the expiration of my leave, but by +War Office instructions (I will spare you the Ref. No.) was to proceed +instead to the Crystal Palace for immediate demobilization. (That, by the +way, is part of the game of being a volunteer for the Army of Occupation.) +It was Suzanne who brought the two letters into their proper correlation. + +"You won't have to get a new pair of slacks now," she said. + +"Bless my soul, no!" I exclaimed. "Then what ought I to do with this +cheque? Send it back?" + +"Certainly not," cried Suzanne as she snatched it from my wavering hand. +"I've been wanting a new hat for some time." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ANOTHER COMBINE. + +_Bystander._ "'OW YER GOIN', MATE?" + +_Gutter Merchant._ "FINE! I'VE JUST AMALGAMATED WITH THE BUSINESS NEXT +DOOR."] + + * * * * * + +"FRENZIED FINANCE." + + "The guardians want more money also. What the Treasury finan-local + taxations are _only the be_-lical taxations are _only the beginning_ of + the demand upon the citizen's pocket."--_Evening Paper._ + + * * * * * + +"JUMPER CHAMPION. + + "The reference to a young woman living at Esher, Surrey, who has + knitted 50 jumpers since August 20, which her friends claim to be a + world's record for an amateur, has resulted in a challenge. + + "'Jumper,' who lives at Margate, writes: 'I find it quite easy to knit + in the dark and to read while knitting.'"--_Daily Paper_. + +The Margate candidate will get our vote. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SERVANTS' BALL. + +_Groom_ (_somewhat heated_). "CARE FOR A BREATHER, MY LADY?"] + + * * * * * + +MY SALES DAY. + +7.0 to 8.30. Rise, breakfast, and make out shopping-list. I put down:-- + + Waterproof for Henry. + School-frock and boots for the Kid. + Replenish household linen. + +9.0. Arrive at large emporium just as the doors open. Ask to be directed to +gentleman's mackintoshes. Pause on the way to look at evening wraps marked +down from five guineas to 98/11. It seems a sweeping reduction, but I do +not require an evening wrap. + +9.10 to 10.15. Try on evening wraps. Select a perfectly sweet _Rose du +Barri_ duvetyn lined _gris foncé_. + +10.15. Continuing to head for mackintoshes. The course runs past a job-line +in silk hosiery. Remember I ought to get stockings to go with the evening +wrap. + +10.15 to 11.5. Match stockings. + +11.15. Arrive at gentlemen's mackintoshes. Find they are not being reduced +in the sale. Observe however that some handsome silk shirts with broad +stripes are marked half-price; get three for Henry, also a fancy waistcoat +at 6/11-3/4 (was 25/-), only slightly soiled down front. + +11.40. Ask for Children's Department. Take wrong turning and arrive at +millinery. + +11.40 to 1.10. Try on hats. Decide on a ducky little toque and a +fascinating river hat (for next summer). + +1.10 to 1.30. Still asking for Children's Department. When it is finally +given to me I am told that useful school-frocks have all been sold. + +1.30 to 6.30. Drift to Shoe Department; secure a pair of pink satin +slippers--rather tight, but amazingly cheap. Swept by crowd into "Fancy +Goods"; make several purchases. Get taken in a crush to "Evening +Accessories"; am persuaded to buy. + +6.35. Leave emporium. It is raining heavily. + +7.15. Arrive home wet and exhausted. Have an argument, conducted affably on +my side, with Henry, who flatly refuses to wear the half-price striped +shirts or pay for the only-slightly-soiled waistcoat. He makes pointed +remarks about the bad weather, with cynical reference to mackintoshes. Am +struck afresh by the selfishness of men. + +7.45. Remember that I have forgotten household linen and Kid's boots, but +determine not to let this spoil my good temper. + +8.0. Dine alone with Henry. Do my best to show a forgiving spirit in face +of his egoism. So to bed, conscious of a day well spent. + + * * * * * + +OUR DAY OF UNREST. + + ["The great demand of the moment is something fresh to do on Sunday."] + --_Evening Paper._ + + At the ample shrine of pleasure + You have worshipped well and long + On this day of so-called leisure, + Yet you feel there's something wrong. + + _Blasé_ is your air and jaded; + Sabbath hours have lost their zest; + Utter ennui has invaded + Every corner of your chest. + + Sport is shorn of all its glamour; + Motoring proves no more a lure; + So you come to me and clamour + For a speedy psychic cure. + + Well, my friend, if fresh sensation + Is the object of your search, + And you want a consultation, + My advice is, Go to church. + + * * * * * + +BOLSHEVISM IN THE CIVIL SERVICE. + + "Whitley Councils are the latest development in Government offices in + Whitehall. What is aimed at is a system of promotion free and + uninterrupted from top to bottom." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE HEIR PRESUMPTIVE. + +_Labour._ "PERHAPS IT'S A SIZE TOO BIG FOR ME AT PRESENT." + +_Coalition._ "GLAD YOU FEEL LIKE THAT, AS I HAVEN'T QUITE FINISHED WITH +IT."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Soulful Party._ "AH, YES, THE WORLD IS ALWAYS SO--WE NEVER +STREW FLOWERS ON A MAN'S GRAVE UNTIL AFTER HE IS DEAD."] + + * * * * * + +THE CANDOUR OF KEYNES. + +(_Suggested by the perusal of "The Economic Consequences of the Peace."_) + + There was a superior young person named KEYNES + Who possessed an extensive equipment of brains, + And, being elected a Fellow of King's, + He taught Economics and similar things. + + On the outbreak of war he at once made his mark + As a "tempy," but Principal, Treasury Clerk, + And the Permanent Staff and the CHANCELLOR too + Pronounced him a flier and well worth his screw. + + So he went to the Conference, not as a mute, + To act as the CHANCELLOR'S chief substitute, + And in this extremely responsible post + He mingled with those who were ruling the roast. + + The Big and redoubtable Three, 'tis confessed, + By his talent and zeal were immensely impressed; + But, conversely, the fact, which is painful, remains + That they failed to impress the redoubtable KEYNES. + + So, after five months of progressive disgust, + He shook from his feet the Parisian dust, + Determined to give the chief Delegates beans + And let the plain person behind the Peace scenes. + + Though his title is stodgy, yet all must admit + That his pages are seasoned with plenty of wit; + He's alert as a cat-fish; he can't be ignored; + And throughout his recital we never are bored. + + For he's not a mere slinger of partisan ink, + But a thinker who gives us profoundly to think; + And his arguments cannot be lightly dismissed + With cries of "Pro-Hun" or of "Pacificist." + + And yet there are faults to be found all the same; + For example, I doubt if it's playing the game + For one who is hardly unmuzzled to guy + Representative statesmen who cannot reply. + + And while we're amused by his caustic dispraise + Of President WILSON'S Chadbandian ways, + Of the cynical TIGER, laconic and grim, + And our versatile PREMIER, so supple and slim-- + + Still we feel, as he zealously damns the Allies + For grudging the Germans the means to arise, + That possibly some of the Ultimate Things + May even be hidden from Fellows of King's. + + * * * * * + + "The ---- Male Voice Choir and St. ----'s Brass Band discorded Xmas + music."--_Local Paper._ + +We shouldn't wonder. + + * * * * * + + "Another element in the industrial activity of Japan, which is brought + forcibly home to the Westerner, is the obvious pleasure that the + Japanese people take in doing the work which is allotted to them. It is + no uncommon sight to see men laughing merrily as they drag along their + heavy merchandise, or singing as they swing their anvils in a manner + almost reminiscent of the historic village blacksmith."--_Provincial + Paper._ + +And "children coming home from school" know better than to "look in at the +open door." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "GRANDFATHER, I SIMPLY LOVE YOUR NICE LONG BEARD. PROMISE ME +YOU'LL NEVER HAVE IT BOBBED."] + + * * * * * + +THE EGOIST. + +On Monday morning Hereward Vale left home in an unsettled state of mind. +That was putting it mildly. He was thoroughly unhappy. Something was up--he +couldn't tell what--or whether it was his own fault or Mary's. Anyhow, it +didn't seem to matter whose fault it was. The thing had happened. That was +the one overwhelming idea that concerned him. The first shadow had fallen; +their record of complete and perfect happiness was broken. + +The road to the station was a long and particularly beautiful one. Hereward +had always appreciated every inch of it. But to-day he hated it. He hated +the way the yew-trees drooped, the leafless branches of the hazels, the +faded, crumpled blackberry, the scattered decaying leaves. It was really a +remarkable day for November--clear and frosty, with a bright blue sky and +scudding white clouds. A strong north-east wind tested one's vitality. +Hereward's was low. He buttoned his collar and hurried on. + +Mary had never treated him quite like this before. She had always been +tender, sympathetic and understanding with his moods. True, he was trying; +but she had known that before she married him. He was an artist, and an +artist's work, he argued, depended largely on the state of his emotions. He +earned the family bread by the labour of his hands and his hand was the +servant of his mind, and his mind a tempest of moods. Mary had applied +herself to her task with creditable skill. She could always turn his +sullenness to a sort of creative melancholy of which he was rather proud; +his restlessness to energy and his discontent to something like +constructive thinking. How she achieved the miracle he did not know, nor +did he inquire. But he was guided by her as a child by its mother, still +constantly rebelling. + +But to-day the machinery had broken down. Mary had been cool, pleasant and +crisply unemotional at breakfast-time. He had woken up cross and with a +headache. He had a muddled feeling and wanted sorting out. But Mary seemed +quite unaware of it. She had a preoccupied manner; she went about just too +cheerfully, chatting just too pleasantly about trivial things. It was +mechanical, Hereward decided, and, anyway, it wasn't at all what he wanted. +His monosyllabic responses were accepted as perfectly right and natural, +when they were nothing of the sort. She did not get up and pass her hand +lovingly and soothingly over his hair and say things appropriate to his +state of mind. She went on with her breakfast and looked after him kindly +enough, but without solicitude. + +For instance, she made no comment on the fact that he had hardly touched +his bacon; she merely removed his plate and gave him marmalade and toast as +if he had left no bacon at all. She didn't even notice the lines of +suffering on his face, the dark circles under his eyes. He cast a glance in +the mirror when her back was turned to see if they were obvious. They were. +Why wasn't Mary catching his hump? She always did. + +When finally he left the house, a little bent, with no spring in his step, +Mary didn't accompany him to the door. She didn't exchange with him one of +those rapid looks of complete understanding that he had grown so accustomed +to and found so sustaining and helpful. She kissed him firmly and coolly, +almost casually. Just so she might kiss an aunt. + +The train journey was cold and lonely. Nobody he knew was travelling up to +town. He bought a daily paper, but the headlines put him off. They were +nearly all about divorce cases. There was one about a man who had lived for +three years in the same house with his wife without speaking to her. Such +things were possible! He gazed out of the window. The wonderful day had no +charm for him. The feeling of autumn only further increased his sense of +the loss of youth, of the decay of romance. He nursed and nourished his +grievance. He desired that Mary should know what a wreck she had made of +his day, possibly of his life. + +He was in no mood for work. He went up to his studio in Fitzroy Square and +muddled about with pens and ink. He had what he called a good tidy up, and +firmly and consistently threw away every relic of sentiment he had +foolishly preserved. At one o'clock, through habit and not because he was +hungry, he went out and had a lonely lunch at a small restaurant, sitting +at a marble-topped table which imparted to him something of its chill. +After that he loafed about looking at things till dusk. Dusk was quite +unbearable. He fled back to the studio, made up a stupendous fire, lit a +pipe and mused. + +He decided not to go home that night. He felt hurt and ill-used. He would +stay in town and have a thoroughly good time. As the idea struck him he +looked round the studio. The corners were dismal and shadowy. Everything +not in the immediate circle of the fire looked grey and cheerless. His +easel, with a bit of drapery thrown across it, was like a spectre with +outstretched arms. It suggested despair. He could think of no one whom he +wanted to see. There wasn't a soul he knew whom he would not in this crisis +deliberately have avoided. + +So he went to the Russian Ballet and was bored. He had been excited about +_Cleopatra_ the first time he had seen it; he now decided that it was a +great mistake to try to repeat emotional experiences. + +He left hurriedly before the programme was half over. His feet took him +mechanically to Waterloo Station. He looked up a train. The 9.30 was due +out; he sprinted and caught it. The carriage he managed to get into was +empty and warm. He slept; he slept all the way, and it did him good. + +When he arrived at the other end the night was calm and the sky +star-spangled. The walk out exhilarated him; his exasperation was over. +He ran lightly down the leaf-strewn steps of the old garden and looked in +at the window. Mary was seated at the fire. She looked pensive, pretty +and a little sad. He whistled and she smiled up. "Hooray!" she said, "I'd +nearly given you up." She slipped round and had the door open before he +could get out his key and drew him in. She helped him off with his coat +and scanned his face with even more than her usual intentness and +interest. But she didn't ask him why he was late and he didn't tell her. +He thought that could wait. + +Their extemporised supper was a great success, and they sat before the wood +fire far into the night. + +"What was up this morning?" he finally asked. "You weren't quite yourself, +were you?" + +"This morning?" she questioned, puzzled. "Oh, I remember. I woke with a +splitting headache. Did you notice it? You nice old thing!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Musician_ (_having bumped lady with 'cello_). "OH, I _AM_ +SO SORRY." + +_Lady._ "DON'T MENTION IT. I'M PASSIONATELY FOND OF MUSIC."] + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"MR. PIM PASSES BY." + + "The year's at the spring + And day's at the morn... + God's in His heaven-- + All's right with the world!" + +When _Pippa_ "passed," singing songs like that and preoccupied with the +splendid fact of her one day's holiday, she unconsciously brought about a +change for the better in the heart or conscience of all who overheard her. +It was not so with the passing of _Mr. Pim_. Prior to his intrusion, there +had been nothing to disturb the well-ordered existence of _Geo. Marden, +Esq., J.P.,_ and his wife (late Mrs. Tellworthy), except that they did not +see eye to eye on the small question of his niece's early engagement to a +young artist and on the still smaller question of futuristic curtains. Then +came _Mr. Garraway Pim_, a doddering old gentleman, with a thin falsetto +voice and a loosish memory, but otherwise harmless. He arrives with an +introduction from Australia and casually lets fall a tale of a +fellow-passenger with the unusual name of Tellworthy, from which--and +other incidental evidence--_Mrs. Marden_ gathers that her first husband +(an ex-convict) is still alive. Having dropped this thunderbolt he drifts +off, leaving tragedy in his wake. End of Act I. + +_Marden_, highly conscientious, takes the orthodox view that his lawless +marriage must be nullified. His wife, though horrified at the resurrection +of her impossible first husband, permits herself to recognise the +humorously ironic side of things. _Mr. Pim_, fortunately located in the +immediate neighbourhood, is sent for that he may throw further light on the +painful subject of Tellworthy's revival. He now reports--what he had +vaguely imagined himself to have mentioned in the first instance--that +Tellworthy had met his death at Marseilles through swallowing a +herring-bone. The Second Act closes with a burst of jubilant hysterics on +the part of _Mrs. Marden_. + +But the situation is only partially relieved. True, the old husband is dead +all right, but the _Mardens'_ marriage is still bigamous; they have been +living all this time in what would be regarded in the eyes of Heaven (and, +still worse, the county of Bucks) as sin. However, a trifling formality at +a registry-office can rectify this and nobody need be any the wiser. This +at least is _Marden's_ attitude, always free from any suspicion of +complexity. But his wife (if that is the word for her), being of a more +subtle nature, determines to make profit out of the situation. She points +out to him that she is at present the widow Tellworthy and that she must be +wooed all over again, and can only be won on her own terms. These include a +recognition of the niece's engagement (has not the young artist an equal +right with _Marden_ to a speedy marriage with the woman of his choice?) and +a concession to her taste in futuristic curtains. + +[Illustration: A DROPPER OF UNCONSIDERED TRIFLES. + +_Mr. Pim._ Mr. DION BOUCICAULT. + +_Mrs Marden._ Miss IRENE VANBRUGH.] + +At this juncture _Mr. Pim_ drifts in again to correct an error of memory. +The name of the gentleman who succumbed to the herring-bone was not +Tellworthy (he must have got that name into his head through hearing it +mentioned as that of _Mrs. Marden's_ first husband). It was really +Polwhistle--either Henry or Ernest Polwhistle; he was not quite sure which. +Everything is thus restored to the _status quo ante_, except that _Marden_, +in a spasm of generous reaction, feels himself morally bound to abide by +the new conditions that his wife had laid down. + +_Mr. Pim_ only passes by once more to announce his settled conviction that +_Polwhistle's_ Christian name was Ernest and not Henry. + +It will be seen that the play is original in design; but it is also a true +play of character revealed by circumstance. Further--and this is very +rare--it owes nothing to the adventitious aid of the costumier. For the +author's observation of the unities is extended to include the matter of +dress; he allows his people one costume each and no more. + +Miss IRENE VANBRUGH played as if every one of her words had been made +expressly for her, as, no doubt, they were. I have never seen her so +perfect in detail, in the poise of her head, in her least gesture and +intonation, in her swift changes of mood; never so quietly mistress of the +_finesse_ of her art. + +As _Marden_, Mr. BEN WEBSTER was a little restless in a part for which he +was not constitutionally suited, but played with the greatest courage and +sincerity. Mr. DION BOUCICAULT'S study of _Mr. Pim_ was extraordinarily +effective; and the way in which he made the attenuated pipings of this +futile old gentleman carry like the notes of a bell was in itself a +remarkable feat. + +These three were given great chances, full of colour. But in the part of +_Brian Strange_, the boy-lover, by its nature relatively colourless, Mr. +LESLIE HOWARD was hardly less good. He never made anything like a mistake +of manner. I wish I could say the same of his flapper. But Miss COHAN +asserted her good spirits a little too boisterously for the picture. + +I hope I shall not be suspected of partiality towards one of Mr. Punch's +young men if I say that this is the best of the good things that Mr. MILNE +has given us. As in his unacted play, _The Lucky One_, he gives evidence of +a desire, not unfrequent in humourists, to be taken seriously. But he knows +by now that brilliant dialogue is what is expected of him, and he thinks, +too modestly, that he cannot afford to dispense with it for long at a time. +The result is that, after stringing us up to face a tragic situation, he is +tempted to let us down with light-hearted cynicisms. He would hate me to +suggest that Mr. BERNARD SHAW has infected him, but perhaps he wouldn't +mind my hinting at the influence of Sir JAMES BARRIE. Certainly his +_Mardens_ remind me of the _Darlings_ in _Peter Pan_. Just as there we were +invited alternately to weep for the bereaved mother's sorrow and roar over +the bereaved father's buffooneries, so here, though not so disastrously, +our hearts are torn between sympathy for the husband's real troubles and +amusement at the wife's flippant attitude towards the common tragedy. + +I will not deny the sneaking pleasure which this flippancy gave me at the +time, but in the light of calmer reflection I feel that Mr. MILNE would +really have pleased himself better if he could have found the courage to +keep the play on a serious note all through the interval between _Mr. +Pim's_ first and second revelations. Apart from the higher question of +sincerity he would have gained something, in an artistic sense, by getting +a stronger contrast out of the change of situation that followed the +announcement of Tellworthy's demise. + +In the First Act we seemed to have a little too much of the young couple, +but this insistence was perhaps justified by the important part which their +affairs subsequently played (along with the _leit-motif_ of the futuristic +curtains) in the readjustment of the relations between husband and wife. + +If I have any flaw to find in a really charming play, I think it was a +mistake for _Mrs. Marden_ to let _Mr. Pim_ into the secret of her past. As +with the sweet influences of _Pippa_, so with the devastating havoc wrought +by the inexactitudes of _Mr. Pim_, I think he should have been left +unconscious of the effect of his passing. + +For the rest, + + Mr. MILNE'S at his best-- + All's right with the play! + +O.S. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IT WAS UNFORTUNATE THAT BROWN HAD NOT FINISHED HIS +MASTERPIECE, "THE SURRENDER OF THE GARRISON," BY THE TIME THE WAR CAME TO +AN END.] + +[Illustration: HOWEVER, IT NEEDED VERY LITTLE ALTERATION TO MAKE IT +SALEABLE.] + + * * * * * + +EUPHONIOUS ALIENS. + +(_A successful chamber concert has been given by three players, styling +themselves "The Modern Trio," and named as under._) + + You may search through all Europe from Nenagh to Nish + For such a delightfully-named coalish + As that of MANNUCCI and MELZAK and KRISH. + + In MELZAK we note the Slavonic ambish; + MANNUCCI suggests an Italian dish, + And there's an exotic allurement in KRISH. + + Their combined _cantilena's_ as soothing as squish; + 'Twould have banished the madness of SAUL, son of KISH, + Had he listened to MELZAK, MANNUCCI and KRISH. + + Their music, I gather, is wholly delish, + But their names are the thing that I specially wish + To applaud in MANNUCCI and MELZAK and KRISH. + + * * * * * + +THE STRUGGLE FOR LIFE. + + "FOR SALE.--Entire household, $200 cash."--_American Paper_. + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER CRISIS. + +Whether it is due to war-weariness or not the fact remains that the British +public view with apparent apathy the new crises which arise day by day to +threaten their happiness and maybe to change the whole course of their +life. + +Only a few mornings ago we read in _The Daily Chronicle_ the following +momentous statement made by that newspaper's golf correspondent: "I'm told +that the thirty-one pennyweight ball is doomed." Doomed! Yet, so far as +could be observed in the demeanour of the pleasure-seekers in the Strand on +the afternoon of that same day, things might have been exactly as they were +the day before. + +We learn that the sub-committee investigating this matter of the thirty-one +pennyweight ball have consulted both the manufacturers and the +professionals. A ray of hope is given by the statement, made on good +authority, that "the manufacturers have adopted a very reasonable +attitude." The country should be grateful for this. But, on the other hand, +"the professionals want full freedom in the selection of balls." + +To foster a false optimism at this juncture would be criminal, and it may +as well be admitted at once that negotiations are proceeding with +difficulty. As we go to press we learn that a protracted meeting, lasting +from 2 P.M. until after midnight, has been held. The leader of the +manufacturers, on emerging from the conference hall, was seen to look pale +and exhausted. Pushing his way through the pressmen and photographers he +said, "Boys, for the moment we are bunkered; we must employ the niblick. +No, that is all I can tell you;" and he walked quickly away with his hand +to his brow and muttering words seldom heard off the course. + +Equally grave, the organising secretary of the professionals was even less +communicative, for he spoke in his native tongue, and the Scotsman among +the reporters who undertook to translate his remarks was unfortunately +unable to make himself understood. + +The PRIME MINISTER'S Private Secretary has issued to the Press a statement +that Mr. LLOYD GEORGE is keeping in close touch with Walton Heath and the +progress of events, but that at present no useful purpose would be served +by Government interference. + +_The Daily Chronicle_ correspondent also announces that representatives of +American golf are to visit St. Andrews in the Spring to discuss the +question. We trust their visit may not be too late. If the problem is one +that can be solved by dollars no doubt they will come well-equipped for +enforcing American opinion on the British public. We can only hope that +international relationships will not be strained by their deliberations; +let there be a spirit of toleration and a recognition of the rights of +small nations, and all may yet be well. + + * * * * * + +WHY THE SPARROW LIVES IN THE TOWN. + + In noisy towns, where traffic roars and rushes + And where the grimy streets are dark and narrow, + You never see the robins and the thrushes, + Nor hear their songs. Only the City sparrow + Chirps bravely and as cheerily as they, + Although his home is very far away. + + He chirps of lanes, of far-off country places + (This is the sparrows' story that I'm telling); + Long, long ago they lived in sweet wide spaces; + Their homes were in the hedges, gay, green-smelling; + The people, though, came citywards to dwell; + "Then we," the sparrows said, "must go as well. + + "Yes, we're the birds to go, for all our brothers + Would lose their songs in cities dark and crowdy; + Their hearts would break; but we're not like the others, + We cannot sing, our coats are drab and dowdy; + But we can chirp and chirp and chirp again; + The people shan't forget a country lane." + + And so they came, and in all city-weathers + They chirped a note of cheer to exiles weary; + And _still_ the sparrows chirp, for their brown feathers + Hide now, as then, brave kindly hearts and cheery, + Of lanes they've never seen nor lived among, + Of country lanes they sing, the same old song. + + * * * * * + + "SIR ALBERT'S ELEVATION.--'Up, Stanley, up!'--_Shakespeare_ (amended)." + --_Sunday Pictorial._ + +Great SCOTT (WALTER)! + + * * * * * + + "Very attractive was the interior of the ---- Hall, when the Misses + ---- entertained a large number of their friends at an enjoyable dance. + Everything was 'conteur de pose.'"--_Australian Paper._ + +It is very clear they weren't jazzing. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE POST-WAR SPORTSMAN MAKES THE ACQUAINTANCE OF THE +HUNTSMAN.] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +_The Romance of Madame Tussaud's_ (ODHAMS) strikes one, in these days of +universal reminiscence, almost as a _libre à faire_, certainly as a volume +that finds its welcome waiting for it. I suppose there are few unhappy +beings for whom the very name of that gifted lady does not revive something +of the nursery magic that is never quite forgotten. All of which means that +Mr. JOHN T. TUSSAUD, who has written, vivaciously and with obvious +pleasure, this history of the famous show, is (I hope) assured beforehand +of his sales. It is a fat record, taking the story from the earliest wax +profiles made by Dr. CURTIUS for the Parisian aristocracy in the days +before the Revolution; through the Terror, when his niece (afterwards +Madame TUSSAUD) was employed to model notable heads from the basket of the +guillotine, which was itself subsequently to figure amongst the attractions +of her collection, and finally bringing the enterprising artist and her +models to England and Baker Street, whence a comparatively recent move +established them (the foundress in effigy only) in their present palace. I +was especially interested to trace the evidence of close attention paid to +the show by Mr. Punch, and in particular to learn that the title Chamber of +Horrors was first invented by that observer; though the author falls into +an obvious chronological inexactitude in ascribing to these pages a cartoon +by CRUIKSHANK published "in November of Waterloo year." I have no space for +the many queer stories, chiefly of encounters between the quick and the +wax, with which the book abounds, nor for more than mention of its +admirable photographs, of which I should have liked many more. Altogether +it gives an unusual sidelight on the history of two Capitals; and +incidentally, if the reading of it puts others in the same resolve as +myself, an extra turn-stile will be needed in the Marylebone Road. + + * * * * * + +Mr. HARRY TIGHE is something of a problem to me. With the best will in the +world to appreciate what looked like unusual promise I can only regard him +at present as one who is neglecting the good gifts of heaven in the pursuit +apparently of some Jack-o'-lanthorn idea of popularity. No doubt you recall +his first novel, _The Sheep Path_, a sincere and well-observed study of +feminine temperament. This was followed by one that (though it had its +friends) marked, to my thinking, a lamentable fall from grace. He has now +published a third, _Day Dawn_ (WESTALL). Here, though popularity of a kind +may be its reward, the work is still woefully beneath what should be Mr. +TIGHE'S level. Certainly not one of the demands of the circulating +libraries is unfulfilled. We have a fair-haired heroine (victim to +cocaine), a dark and villainous foreigner, a dashing hero, a middle-aged +woman who adores him despite the presence of her husband, himself called +throughout _Baron Brinthall_, a style surely more common in pantomimic +circles than in the drawing-rooms of Mayfair; and the incidents embrace +both murder and suicide. Moreover there is "plenty of conversation," and +the intrigue moves sufficiently quickly (if jerkily) to keep one curious +about the next page. But having very willingly admitted so much I return to +my contention, that for Mr. TIGHE to neglect his sensitive and delicate art +for the antics of these tawdry dolls is to betray both himself and the +craft of which he may still become a distinguished exponent. + + * * * * * + +From the official who is interested in officialdom to the Infantry officer +who is interested in tactics, from the mechanical expert who can appreciate +the technical details of diagrams to the child who revels in faultless +photographs of hair-raising monsters ("I may read it, mother, mayn't I, +when I've unstickied my fingers?" was the way I heard it put), everybody, I +think, will find plenty to attract him in Sir ALBERT STERN'S finely +illustrated _Tanks 1914-1918_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON). Tanks were born at +Lincoln, and rightly so, for did not OLIVER CROMWELL'S Ironsides mostly +come from this region?--and the main theme of this book is to show how much +more formidable an obstacle they found in the files and registries of +Whitehall than in the trenches and wire-entanglements of Flanders and +France. Parents they had and sponsors innumerable. Practical soldiers and +engineers were enthusiastic about them, and the Bosch quaked in his +trenches or ran; but even so late as the autumn of 1917, after General FOCH +(as he was then) had said, "You must make quantities and quantities; we +must fight mechanically," one stout little company of obscurantists bravely +defied the creed of Juggernaut until the irresistible logic of its +successes in the field crushed them remorselessly under the "creeping +grip." And that company, of course, according to Sir ALBERT STERN, was the +British War Office. + + * * * * * + +Let me commend to you _The Mask_ (METHUEN) as a craftsmanlike essay in +imaginative realism; ruthlessly candid and self-revealing, but free from +that tiresome obsession of the ultra-realists that everything that has ever +happened is equally important in retrospect. The narrator, _Vanya +Gombarov_, a Russian Jew, discourses reflectively and detachedly, as it +were from behind a mask, to an English artist friend about his early +childhood in his own land and the dismal adventures of the _Gombarov_ +family in that underworld of exploited and miserable aliens which is one of +the root social problems of America. Very poignantly Mr. JOHN COURNOS makes +you understand the import of the phrase so constantly on the lips of such +victims of their own credulous hopes of El Dorado--"Woe to COLUMBUS!" The +portrait of _Vanya's_ stepfather, brilliant, magnanimous, pursued by an +Æschylean malignity of destiny, fills much of the foreground and is a quite +masterly piece of work. One cannot be wrong in assuming this to be +essential autobiography; there is a passionate conviction as of things +intimately seen and dreadfully suffered. Such material might well have +tempted to a mere piling of squalor upon squalor. A fine discretion has +given a noble dignity to a record through which shines the unquenchable +human spirit. One passage, full of affectionate discernment about London, +will cause a flicker of just pride in everyone who is authentic Cockney, +whether by birth or adoption. A big book of its kind, I dare assert. + + * * * * * + +_Star of India_ (CASSELL) is what Mrs. ALICE PERRIN calls her latest novel, +a title so good that I can only wonder why (or perhaps whether) it has not +been used before. Inside also I found excellent entertainment. One supposes +the author to have been confronted with two main problems with regard to +her plot--how to make sufficiently plausible the marriage between a flapper +(if you will forgive the odious word) of seventeen and a middle-ageing +Anglo-Indian; and, secondly, how to impart any touch of novelty to the +inevitable catastrophe that must attend this union. The first she has +managed by a very cunning suggestion of the mingled jealousy, curiosity and +boredom that drove _Stella_ into the arms of her elderly suitor; the second +by a variety of devices, to indicate which would be to give away the whole +intrigue--one, I may say, whose climax is not nearly so visible from afar +as that of most triangle tales. One point only I will reveal: Mrs. PERRIN +has had the courage, while vindicating her own common-sense judgment upon +such folk, to introduce a second girl, daughter and pupil of one of the +spoon-fed idealists who would govern India with the platitudes of +ignorance, and not only to make her sympathetic, but to convince me of her +attractions, which (especially just now) was not easy work. Decidedly a +first-rate yarn. + + * * * * * + +We may, I think, take it that the love-story in _The Gunroom_ (BLACK) is +fiction pure and naively simple, but that the experiences of _John +Lynwood_, the hero, in the Navy are given as the actual experiences of Mr. +C.L. MORGAN, the author. Let me then at once say that his revelations of +the bullying of junior by senior midshipmen go back to a period before the +War. These "shakings," we are asked to believe, were due partly to custom +and partly to boredom caused by lack of leave. If Mr. MORGAN is correct +both in his facts and surmises it is satisfactory to think that the War +must have obliterated the boredom which provoked such excesses, and one +need not be a fanatical opponent of physical punishment to hope that such +forms of tyranny will never again be tolerated as a matter of custom. I am +obliged to conclude that these incidents in _Lynwood's_ career are +absolutely true, for certainly nothing less than absolute truth could +excuse their appearance in print; but at the same time I must confess that +any attack upon our Navy is apt with me to act as an irritant. The more +reason that I should honestly admit Mr. MORGAN'S merits and say that he +writes with a nice sense of style, and that his book does not derive its +only interest from its revelations. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR LAUNDRIES: THE COLLAR-FINISHER.] + + * * * * * + +HUNTING EXTRAORDINARY. + +"GOOD SPORT WITH THE HOLDERNESS. + + "A stout ox led the field into Bilton village."--_Provincial Paper._ + + * * * * * + +RÉCHAUFFÉS FOR CANNIBALS. + + "A company, numbering over 80, sat down to dinner, the host and hostess + (Mr. and Mrs. ----) proving, as usual, a first-class menu."--_Local + Paper._ + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +158, JANUARY 14, 1920*** + + +******* This file should be named 16107-8.txt or 16107-8.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/6/1/0/16107 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at <a href = "https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre> +<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, January 14, 1920</p> +<p>Author: Various</p> +<p>Editor: Owen Seaman</p> +<p>Release Date: June 22, 2005 [eBook #16107]</p> +<p>Language: English</p> +<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p> +<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 158, JANUARY 14, 1920***</p> +<p> </p> +<h4>E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins,<br /> + and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team<br /> + (https://www.pgdp.net)</h4> +<p> </p> +<hr class="full" /> + <h1>PUNCH,<br /> + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + + <h2>Vol. 158.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> + + <h2>January 14th, 1920.</h2> + <hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page21" id="page21"></a>[pg 21]</span> + +<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + + <p>The Premier, says a contemporary, has become greatly attached to a + white terrier puppy that he brought with him from Colwyn Bay. The report + that it has been taught to run after its own tail by Mr. <font + class="sc">Lloyd George</font> himself is probably the work of + malice.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Our heart goes out to the tenant of an experimental wooden house who + is advertising for the assistance of the man who successfully held up a + post-office in London about a fortnight ago.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A London carman is said to have summoned his neighbour for calling him + an O.B.E. We are sure he could not have meant it.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"The most hygienic dress for all boys is the Scots kilt," says a + correspondent of <i>The Daily Mail</i>. "My own boys wear nothing else." + We are glad to see that the obsolete Highland Practice of muffling the + ears in a cairngorm has been definitely discarded.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>According to a contemporary a new form of road surface material, which + is not injurious to fish, has been produced by the South Metropolitan Gas + Company. The utilisation of some of the deeper cavities in our highways + for the purpose of food production has long been a favourite theme of + ours.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Having a tooth drawn," says a writer in <i>Health Hints</i>, "has its + advantages." It certainly tends to keep one's mind off the Coalition.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Two men have been charged at Sutton with selling water for whisky. + People are now asking the exact date when this was first made an + offence.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>At the present time a missionary costs twice as much as before the + War, says the Rev. W.J. <font class="sc">Fullerton</font>. Many a + cassowary has been complaining bitterly of the high cost of this + comestible.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A new tango will be danced for the first time on January 15th, says + <i>The Daily Express</i>. For ourselves we shall try to go about our + business just as if nothing really serious had happened.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Asked by the magistrate if her husband had threatened her, a Stratford + woman replied, "No; he only said he would kill me." Almost any little + thing seems to irritate some people.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>It appears that, after reading various references about his trial in + the London papers, the ex-Kaiser was heard to say that if we were not + very careful he would wash his hands of the whole business.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>There is a lot of wishy-washy talk about the Bolshevists, says a + Labour paper. Wishy, perhaps, but from what we see of their pictures in + the papers, not washy.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"Supplies of string for letter mail-bags," says <i>The Post Office + Circular</i>, "will in future be 19 inches in length, instead of 18 + inches." It is the ability to think out things like this that has made us + the nation we are to-day.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Offers are invited in a contemporary for a large quantity of tiger + skins. People should first make sure that the rest of the tiger has been + properly removed before purchasing.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>The composer of an American ragtime song is to have a statue erected + to him in New York. It is hoped that this warning will have the desired + effect on any composers in this country who may be tempted to commit a + similar error.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>We understand that, after several weeks of careful investigation into + details, the special Committee appointed by the Government to deal with + Germany's refusal to pay for her sunken fleet at Scapa have now + recommended that no receipt should be given until the money is handed + over.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>"You will soon be able to get work," said the Kingston magistrate to a + man summoned for income-tax. This is the sort of thoughtless remark that + tends to embitter the unemployed.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>According to an evening paper, Granny <font class="sc">Lambert</font>, + of Edmonton, proposed to the reporter who visited her on her + one-hundred-and-sixth birthday. As, however, she is experiencing some + difficulty in obtaining the consent of her parents the affair may + possibly fall through.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Much sympathy is felt for the scrum-half who will be unable to assist + his team this month on account of being severely crocked whilst helping + his wife at the Winter sales.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>The London policeman who went across to Ireland for his Christmas + holiday is still under strict observation by mental experts.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>We hear that the Congo Government have now decided that all + Brontosauri must in future carry a red front light and a green rear light + when travelling at night-time.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>The War Office is said to be making preparations to abolish the Tank + Corps. It appears that the Major-General who recently drove from + Whitehall to Tothill Street in one of these vehicles has reported + unfavourably upon them, saying that he never got a wink of sleep the + whole time.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>A remarkable echo of Armageddon is reported from the Wimbledon + district. A subscriber was rung up the other day by "Trunks" and asked if + he still wished to say good-bye to himself before leaving for the + Somme.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Thistles do more damage to agriculture than rats, declared the + Montgomeryshire Agricultural Executive Committee. Stung by this + uncalled-for attack on his national vegetable a Scotchman writes to say + that within his knowledge more arable land has been laid waste by leeks + than by any other noxious weed.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/022.png"><img width="100%" src="images/022.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><i>Professor's Wife.</i> <font class="sc">"Septimus, the thaw has + burst the pipes."</font></p> + + <p><i>Professor.</i> <font class="sc">"No, no, Marie. As I've had + occasion to explain to you every year since I can remember, it's the + frost that bursts the pipes—<i>not</i> the thaw."</font></p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page22" id="page22"></a>[pg 22]</span> + +<h2>FASHIONS FOR MEN.</h2> + + <blockquote> + <p>["Who will help the Disposal Board by starting some new fashion that + would enable it to get rid of a great consignment of kilts as worn by the + London Scottish, the Royal Scots and the Highland Light + Infantry?"—<i>Mrs. <font class="sc">Kellaway</font> on the Disposal + Board's "Curiosity Shop."</i>]</p> + + </blockquote> + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There are who hanker for a touch of colour,</p> + <p class="i2">So to relieve their sombre air;</p> + <p>For me, I like my clothes to be much duller</p> + <p class="i2">Than what the nigger minstrels wear;</p> + <p>I hold by sable, drab and grey;</p> + <p>I do not wish to be a popinjay.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In vain my poor imagination grapples</p> + <p class="i2">With these new lines in fancy shades,</p> + <p>These purple evening coats with yellow lapels,</p> + <p class="i2">These vests composed in flowered brocades;</p> + <p>Nor can I think that noisy checks</p> + <p>Would help me to attract the other sex.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>With gaudy schemes that rouse my solemn dander</p> + <p class="i2">I leave our frivolous youth to flirt;</p> + <p>A riband round my straw—for choice, Leander;</p> + <p class="i2">A subtle nuance in my shirt;</p> + <p>For tie, the colours of my school—</p> + <p>These are the limits of my austere rule.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>But, when they'd have me swathe the clamorous tartan</p> + <p class="i2">In lieu of trousers round my waist,</p> + <p>Then they evoke the spirit of the Spartan</p> + <p class="i2">Inherent in my simple taste;</p> + <p>Inexorably I decline</p> + <p>To drape the kilt on any hips of mine.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>It may be they will count me over-modest,</p> + <p class="i2">Deem me Victorian, dub me prude;</p> + <p>I may have early views, the very oddest,</p> + <p class="i2">On what is chaste and what is rude;</p> + <p>Yet am I certain that my leg</p> + <p>Would not look right beneath a filibeg.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>I love the Scot as being truly British;</p> + <p class="i2">Golf (and the Union) makes us one;</p> + <p>Yet to my nature, which is far from skittish</p> + <p class="i2">And lacks his local sense of fun,</p> + <p>There is a something almost foreign</p> + <p>About his strange attachment to the sporran.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So, when a bargain-sale is held of chattels</p> + <p class="i2">Surviving from the recent War—</p> + <p>Textiles and woollens, built for use in battles—</p> + <p class="i2">And Scotland's there inquiring for</p> + <p>The kilt department, I shall not</p> + <p>Be found competing. She can have the lot.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + </div> + </div> + +<p class="author">O.S.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h2>THE DOMESTIC PROBLEM.</h2> + + <p>"Well, I've been to see three of them now," she said. "The first is at + Shepherd's Bush—"</p> + + <p>"What pipes!" I ejaculated. "What music! What wild ecstasy!"</p> + + <p>"—four hundred yards from the Central Tube, to be exact; and + there's a large roller skating-rink next door. You never rolled, did you? + Three sessions daily, the advertisement says."</p> + + <p>"I'm afraid I sat oftener than that when I rolled," I confessed. + "'Another transport split,' as the evening papers say. I wonder whether + Sir <font class="sc">Eric Geddes</font> is the rink-controller. But tell + me a little about the house. I suppose there's a high premium and a deep + basement?"</p> + + <p>"There are."</p> + + <p>"Next, please."</p> + + <p>"The next is at Chiswick; very damp and miles and miles to catch your + bus. And there's a basement again."</p> + + <p>"You might grow mushrooms in the basement," I said hopefully, "while I + hunted my Pimlico on the shore. What about the third?"</p> + + <p>"The third is at Hampstead, very high up and very salubrious. The + agent says we should be able to overlook the whole of London."</p> + + <p>"Impossible," I protested; "you can't ignore a thing like London."</p> + + <p>"I don't think he meant that exactly," she explained. "He said that + from the top bedroom window on bright days one could catch a glimpse of + the dome of St. Paul's."</p> + + <p>"That will be rather fine," I agreed. "We can have afternoon + receptions in the top bedroom, and print 'To meet the Dean and Chapter' + on the card. People love meeting Chapters in real life. What is the + rental of this eyrie?"</p> + + <p>She told me. It was as high as the site; and, again, there was a + dug-out underneath.</p> + + <p>"You haven't tried Ponder's End?" I said at last. "I've often seen + those words on a bus, and a lot of sad-looking people on the top, + pondering, I suppose, the inevitable end."</p> + + <p>"Well, which of them are we going to choose? It's the servant problem + that's the real trouble, you know. They simply won't cope with a basement + nowadays."</p> + + <p>"I think you overestimate the help crisis," I said. "There are two + things that they really want. The first is to have employers absolutely + dependent on them, and the second is a gay life. To take the first. I + remember that when I was in digs—"</p> + + <p>"Do you mind if I knit?" she asked.</p> + +—"when I was in digs it was my landlady's fondest +delusion that I could do nothing to help myself. And, of +course, I was bound to foster the idea. Every night I used +to hide my pipe behind the coal-scuttle or my latchkey +in the aspidistra, just for her to find. There was rather a +terrible moment once when she came in unexpectedly and +caught me losing half-a-crown underneath the hearth-rug; +but I pretended to be finding it, and saved the situation. +It will be just the same with you. You will go down into +the basement and pretend to mistake the flour for the salt, +and the cook will love you for ever. It's all done by +kindness and incompetence." + + <p>"I suppose it is," she said doubtfully.</p> + + <p>"And then there's amusements," I went on. "We will have Charles in + once or twice a week. No servant who has ever heard Charles trying to + sing would prefer a night out at the cinema or the skating-rink. If she + does, we'll get a gramophone."</p> + + <p>"Not for worlds," she gasped.</p> + + <p>"Oh, <i>you</i> wouldn't have to listen to it. It would live in the + basement, and <font class="sc">Harry Lauder</font> would help the girl to + clean the knives and break the cups, and <font class="sc">George + Robey</font> would make washing the dishes one grand sweet song. The + basement would be a fairyland."</p> + + <p>"All this doesn't seem to get us much further," she complained, "in + deciding which of those houses we're going to take."</p> + + <p>"Oh, doesn't it?" I said, and, sitting down, I wrote a few lines + rapidly and handed her the draft for approval. She approved.</p> + + <p>And that is why, if you look at <i>The Times'</i> "Domestic + Situations" column to-morrow, you may see the following + announcement:—</p> + +<font class="sc">House-Parlourmaid Wanted</font>, helpless couple, where +gramophone kept; state whether Hampstead, Chiswick or +Shepherd's Bush preferred. + +<p class="author"><font class="sc">Evoe.</font></p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page23" id="page23"></a>[pg 23]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/024.png"><img width="70%" src="images/024.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>ANOTHER TURKISH CONCESSION.</h3> + + <p><font class="sc">Turkey</font> (<i>anxious to save the Peace + Conference from embarrassment</i>). "EUROPE! WITH ALL THY FAULTS I LOVE + THEE STILL. IF THOU INSISTEST, I AM PREPARED TO STAY WITH THEE, BAG AND + BAGGAGE."</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page24" id="page24"></a>[pg 24]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/025.png"><img width="100%" src="images/025.png" + alt="" /></a> + <div class="i16"> + <p>"<font class="sc">Oh, yes, Madam, Britannia will suit you admirably. + And what about the gentleman</font>?"</p> + + <p>"<font class="sc">Oh, he's going in his dinner-jacket, representing + one of the smaller nations</font>."</p> + </div> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>OUR INVINCIBLE NAVY.</h2> + +<p class="center"><font class="sc">Ordeal by Water</font>.</p> + + <p>When the innermost recesses of the Admiralty archives yield their + secrets to the historian there will be some strange and stirring events + to relate. But however diligently the chroniclers may search amongst the + accumulated records at Whitehall there will still remain one outstanding + performance, one shining example of courage and endurance of which no + trace can there be found; for it was never officially known how Reginald + McTaggart upheld the honour of the White Ensign in the Gulf of Lyons.</p> + + <p>Reginald does not in the ordinary way suffer from excess of modesty; + indeed he has been known to hint that on more than one occasion it was + primarily due to his efforts that the world was eventually made safe for + democracy; but of this his greatest exploit he will never speak without + pressure, and even then but diffidently.</p> + + <p>When <font class="sc">William Hohenzollern</font> first cried "Havoc" + and let slip the Prussian Guard, Reginald was among the most + unsophisticated of landsmen. He had never in his life so much as heard a + bo'sun's pipe and could scarcely distinguish a battleship from a + bathing-machine. But the blood of a maritime ancestry ran hot in his + veins, and, being too highly educated to get on in the Army, he placed + himself at the disposal of the Senior Service, which embraced him gladly. + Henceforth his career was one of unbroken triumph.</p> + + <p>Having taken a First in Mechanical Sciences at Cambridge, Reginald was + at once detailed off for deck-swabbing on a Portsmouth depôt ship; but + one day an enterprising Rear-Admiral of the younger school, noting his + scientific manner of manipulating a squeegee, had him sent before the + Flag Captain, who, on learning his antecedents, recommended the blushing + Reginald for the post of batman to the Senior Wireless Officer. Here his + talents showed to such advantage that in a little over a year he received + a commission as technical officer, and was placed in charge of an + experimental Torpedo School, well away from the storms and tempests that + vexed his less gifted brothers.</p> + + <p>It were tedious to relate Reginald's adventures during the next two + years—how time and again he baffled the cunning devices of the + German naval scientists—how he invented a pivotal billiard-table + for use on drifters in rough weather and perfected an electro-magnetic + contrivance by means of which enemy submarines were inveigled into + torpedoing themselves without warning. All this and much else is + accessible to the formal historian; besides, Reginald tells people + himself. We will hurry on to the grand exploit.</p> + + <p>It occurred shortly after he was appointed to a post on the British + Naval Mission at Athens. He had left England little more than a month + when the Sea Lords became uneasy. Trouble broke out among the torpedoes + and there was no one to set matters right. Paragraphs began to appear in + the Press. The result was an urgent wireless message to Athens recalling + Reginald at once. There was to be no delay.</p> + + <p>"Are you prepared to start immediately?" asked the Vice-Admiral, when + he had briefly outlined the situation.</p> + + <p>Reginald saluted briskly.</p> + + <p>"I don't quite know how you'll go," continued the Vice-Admiral. "We + haven't an armed ship sailing West for a week. There's a little Greek + trading steamer leaving for Marseilles to-morrow morning, but I'm afraid + you would find her very incommodious. Would you care to risk it?" <span + class="pagenum"><a name="page25" id="page25"></a>[pg 25]</span></p> + + <p>"I start in the morning, Sir," said Reginald tersely.</p> + + <p>The Vice-Admiral seized his hand and wrung it warmly.</p> + + <p>When Reginald came down to the harbour and saw the craft on which he + had undertaken to embark he was seized with a sudden faintness. Even the + toughest seafarer would have thought twice before venturing beyond the + breakwater in such an unsavoury derelict; and Reginald, be it remembered, + had only once in his life made a sea voyage, and that in the peaceful + security of an ironclad. His heart quailed beneath his Commander's + uniform.</p> + + <p>However, setting his teeth and consoling himself with the thought that + she would undoubtedly fall to pieces before they could leave the harbour + behind, he went aboard.</p> + + <p>The master, an unprepossessing but exceedingly polite child of the + Ægean, was overwhelmed at the prospect of carrying a British Naval + Commander as passenger. He saluted wildly; he gesticulated; it was too + much honour. Would his Excellency the Commander accept the use of his + poor state-room—yes? Would he undertake the navigation of this so + dangerous voyage—no? Ah, but he would seek his so expert advice in + the sudden perilous moment—good. Reginald bowed nervously.</p> + + <p>At first all went well. Except for the atmosphere of the state-room, + which was richly tinged with a mixed odour of mildewed figs and rotten + pomegranates, and the uncomfortable feeling that, unless he trod + delicately, the decks would crumble away and deposit him in the bosom of + the Mediterranean, Reginald was fairly happy. A ready wit and a dignified + bearing combined to cloak his lack of seamanship and kept the skipper in + a fit state of humility and awe.</p> + + <p>But in the Gulf of Lyons a breeze sprang up. It was quite a gentle + breeze at first, and Reginald found it rather stimulating. Towards + evening, however, it freshened, and the ship began to stagger. Reginald + became conscious of those disquieting symptoms common to landsmen in such + case. Fearful for his reputation he crept below to suffer in + solitude.</p> + + <p>By midnight it was blowing a gale, and Reginald had lost interest in + life. He was thinking mournfully of the vanity of all human desires when + a message was brought from the captain. They were about to perish. Would + his Excellency the Commander come up to the bridge and save them, + please?</p> + + <p>It was a painful predicament, and Reginald was justly horrified. Could + he venture out and display the weakness of the British Navy in the face + of a crew of unwashed Greek matelots? On the other hand, could he skulk + in his cabin and allow the Master to doubt his courage and resource? He + rose and lurched unsteadily on deck.</p> + + <p>The Captain was distinctly excited. Destruction was imminent. He had + appealed to the Saints without avail. Would the British Commander come to + their assistance? What did his Excellency think of it?</p> + + <p>Reginald thought it was perfectly horrible. He had never thought such + a ghastly scene possible. The ship appeared on the point of turning + turtle and he was soaked to the skin already. Then, realizing that he + could not remain on the bridge another minute without internal disaster, + he made a supreme effort.</p> + + <p>"My dear skipper," he howled at the top of his voice, "you surely + don't call this a storm? The merest breeze, I assure you. I really can't + be disturbed for such a trifle. If it begins to blow at all during the + night let me know and I'll come up and take the matter in hand;" and + without waiting for a reply he scrambled down from the bridge and made a + dash for the seclusion of the state-room.</p> + + <p>Next morning they were rolling in the swell off Marseilles, with the + prestige of the British Navy, if possible, higher than ever.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:66%;"> + <a href="images/026.png"><img width="100%" src="images/026.png" + alt="" /></a> + POLICE CONSTABLE (DEMOBILISED OFFICER) MEETS AN OLD FRIEND FROM FRANCE. + </div> +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The Lord Mayor of Dublin has placed a room in the City Hall at the + disposal of the Labour party for the reception of + reputations."—<i>Irish Paper</i>.</p> + + </blockquote> + <p>A kindly thought. Reputations are so easily lost in Ireland.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page26" id="page26"></a>[pg 26]</span> + +<h2>JAZZERWOCKY.</h2> + +<p class="center">(<i>With apologies to <font class="sc">Lewis Carroll</font>.</i>)</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Twas grillig, and the Jazzlewags</p> + <p class="i2">Did glomp and scrimble o'er the board;</p> + <p>All gladsome were their dazzlerags,</p> + <p class="i4">And the loud Nigs uproared.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Beware the Tickle Trot, my son,</p> + <p class="i2">The feet that twink, the hands that clug;</p> + <p>Beware the Shimmy Shake and shun</p> + <p class="i4">The thrustful Bunny Hug."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He put his pumpsious shoon on foot,</p> + <p class="i2">He bent his knees to slithe and sprawl,</p> + <p>Till, fagged and flausted by disdoot,</p> + <p class="i4">He brooded by the wall.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And, as in broody ease he lay,</p> + <p class="i2">The Jazzerwock, with shoulders bare,</p> + <p>Came swhiffling through the juggly fray</p> + <p class="i4">And grapped him by the hair.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>One, two! One, two! And through and through</p> + <p class="i2">The prancing maze they reeled and pressed,</p> + <p>Till both his feet ignored the beat</p> + <p class="i4">And woggled with the best.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"And hast thou learnt at last to jazz?</p> + <p class="i2">Come take my arm, my clomplish boy;"</p> + <p>O hectic day! Cheero! Cheeray!</p> + <p class="i4">He chwinckled in his joy.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>'Twas grillig, and the Jazzlewags</p> + <p class="i2">Did glomp and scrimble o'er the board;</p> + <p>All gladsome were their dazzlerags,</p> + <p class="i4">And the loud Nigs uproared.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<h2>A PAINFUL SUBJECT.</h2> + + <p>I do not love dentists. In this antipathy I am not unique, I fancy. + One never sees photographs of family dentists standing on mantelpieces + heavily framed in silver; and, though <i>The Forceps</i> presents a + coloured supplement depicting a prominent ivory-hunter with every + Christmas number, there is, I am told, no violent demand for it outside + the Profession.</p> + + <p>This is not to be wondered at. A man who spends his life climbing into + people's mouths and playing "The Anvil Chorus" on their molars with a + monkey-wrench, who says, "Now this won't hurt you in the least," and then + deals one a smart rap on a nerve with a pickaxe—such a man cannot + expect to be popular. He must console himself with his fees.</p> + + <p>I do not love dentists, I repeat, but I am also not infatuated with + toothache. It is not that I am a coward. Far from it. Arterial sclerosis, + glycosuria, follicular tonsillitis and, above all, sleeping sickness I + can bear with fortitude—that is, I feel sure I could—but + toothache, no! I am not ashamed of it. Every brave man has at least one + weakness. Lord <font class="sc">Roberts's</font> was cats. Achilles' was + tendons. Mine is toothache (Biographers, please note). When my jaw annoys + me I try to propitiate it with libations of whisky, brandy, iodine, + horse-blister and patent panaceas I buy from sombreroed magicians in the + Strand. If these fail I totter round to the dentist, ring the bell and + run away. If the maid catches me before I can escape and turns me into + the waiting-room I examine the stuffed birds and photographs of Brighton + Pier until she has departed, then slither quietly down the banisters, + open the street door and gallop. If I am pushed directly into the + <i>abattoir</i> I shake the dentist warmly by the hand, ask after his + wife and children, his grandfather and great-aunt, and tell him I have + only dropped in to tune the piano. If that is no good I try to make an + appointment for an afternoon this year, next year, some time, never. If + that too is useless and he insists on putting me through it there and + then, I take every anodyne he's got—cocaine, morphia, chloroform, + ether, gas, also a couple of anæsthetists to hold my hand when I go off + and kiss me when I come round again.</p> + + <p>One of my chief objections to dentists is that they will never listen + to reason; explanations are quite thrown away on them. They only let you + talk at all in order to get your face open, and then into it they plunge + their powerful antiseptic-tasting hands and you lose something. I never + go near a dentist without paying the extreme penalty. (None of those + cunning little gold-tipped caps or reinforced concrete suspension-bridges + for me. Out it comes. Blood and iron every time). I admit they frequently + appease my anguish. Almost invariably among the teeth of which they + relieve me at each sitting is included the offending one. But still I + maintain my right to have a say in my own afflictions. The doctors let + one. I've got a physician who lets me have any disease I fancy (except + German measles and Asiatic cholera; for patriotic reasons he won't hear a + good word spoken for either of them; says we've got just as good diseases + of our own. Damned insularity!).</p> + + <p>If I send for this doctor he comes along, sits quietly beside my bed, + eating my grapes, while I tell him where the pain isn't. The recital over + he hands me a selection of ailments to pick from. I choose one. He tells + me what the symptoms are, drinks my invalid port, creeps downstairs and + breaks the news to the hushed and awe-stricken family. A chap like that + makes suffering a pleasure and is a great comfort in a home like mine, + where a sick bed is the only sort you are allowed to lie in after 10 + <font class="sc">a.m.</font> Without the fellow's ready sympathy I doubt + if I should secure any sleep at all. One gets no assistance of that kind + from dentists, although they give you more pain in ten seconds than a + doctor does in ten years.</p> + + <p>No dentist ever sees me home after the slaughter, orders me a diet of + chicken breast, <i>pêche Melba</i> and champagne, or warns my family that + I am on no account to be disturbed until lunch. No, they jerk your jaw + off its hinges and dump your remains on the doorstep for the L.C.C. + rubbish cart to collect.</p> + + <p>Another thing: dentists should not be allowed out loose about the + streets. They exercise a blighting influence. You are strolling along in + the sunshine, head high, chest expanded, telling some wide-eyed young + thing what you and <font class="sc">Haig</font> did to <font + class="sc">Ludendorff</font>, when suddenly you meet the dentist. You + look at him, he looks at you, and his eyes seem to say, "What ho, my + hero! Last week you went to ground under my sofa and couldn't be + dislodged until I put the page-boy in to ferret you."</p> + + <p>"And what happened then," inquires the wide-eyed young thing, "after + you had caught the Hun tank by the tail and ripped it up with a + tin-opener?"</p> + + <p>"After that," says the eye of the dentist, "you wept, you prayed, you + lay on the floor and kicked, you—"</p> + + <p>"And did you kill all the crew yourself?" bleats the maiden, + "single-handed—every one of them?"</p> + + <p>"Oh, I—er," you stutter—"what I mean to say—that + is—Oh, dash it, let's go and get tea somewhere, what?"</p> + +<p class="author"><font class="sc">Patlander</font>.</p> + +<hr /> + + <p>From the <i>dramatis personæ</i> in a Malta + opera-programme:—</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Singers, Old Beans, and Abbés."</p> + + </blockquote> + <p>The "old beans" no doubt were drawn from the local garrison.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The old wooden streets which survived in the more ancient parts of + the capital [Petrograd] have, on account of the lack of fuel since the + Bolshevists became all-powerful, been torn down and + demobilished."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p> + + </blockquote> + <p>The last word in destructiveness.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The standing joint committee of the Industrial Women's Organisations + have passed a resolution unanimously endorsing the action of the + Consumers' Council in opposing the decontrol of meat."—<i>Daily + Graphic</i>.</p> + + </blockquote> + <p>The "standing joint" committee would seem to be the very one for the + job.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page27" id="page27"></a>[pg 27]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/028.png"><img width="90%" src="images/028.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>MANNERS AND MODES.</h3> + + <p>HOW TO APPEAR BEAUTIFUL THOUGH PLAIN:—SURROUND YOURSELF WITH + SPECIMENS OF THE LATEST ART.</p> + </div> +<hr /> + + <blockquote> +<h4>Dress of the day.</h4> + +<p class="center">"<font class="sc">Bathroom Toilettes</font>.</p> + + <p>"This season balls and dances, both private and public, are being given + in greater numbers than ever."—<i>Local Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"A couple of ciphers, followed by a string of noughts, represents + Germany's debt to France. And it looks as if the noughts are all France + will get in the present generation."—<i>Evening Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>But it is possible that under pressure Germany might throw in the + ciphers as well.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="center">"LOST AND FOUND.</p> + +<p class="center">"<font class="sc">Address by the Lord Advocate.</font></p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Will the party who took the wrong Umbrella from the Ante-Room, Music + Hall, kindly return same in exchange for his own to ——, Music + Hall?"—<i>Scotch Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>An odd address for the <font class="sc">Lord Advocate</font>.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Wells' 'History of the Universe' describes the slow disappearance + of certain species, taking hundreds of thousands of years to do + it."—<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p> + + </blockquote> + <p>In an age of hustle it is gratifying to find one eminent author + approaching his work with due deliberation.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> +<h4>The Profiteer's Anthem.</h4> + + <p>"The Hymns to be sung will be: (1) 'All people that on earth do + well.'..."—<i>Rangoon Times.</i></p> + + </blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>From <i>Surplus</i>, the official organ of the Disposal + Board:—</p> + +<p class="center">"<font class="sc">Pork and Beans</font>.</p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"16 oz. tins (15 ozs. Beans and Sauce, 1 oz. Pork); 21 oz. tins (20 + ozs. Beans and Sauce, 1 oz. Pork)."</p> + + </blockquote> + <p>So the question which vexed many billets on the Western Front is now + answered. There <i>was</i> pork in it.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page28" id="page28"></a>[pg 28]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/029.png"><img width="100%" src="images/029.png" + alt="" /></a> + BEHIND THE SCENES IN CINEMA-LAND. + + <p>"<font class="sc">You're in luck, my boy. They've imported a genuine + Mexican bandit for your knife-fight scene in 'Bad Hat, the + Half-Breed</font>.'"</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h3>MY FIRE.</h3> + + <p>"Seventy-five per cent. of the world's accidents arise from gross + carelessness!" I thundered at Suzanne, who for the fifteenth time in five + years of matrimony had left her umbrella in the 'bus. Being on a month's + leave, and afraid of losing by neglect the orderly-room touch, I thought + fit to practise on her the arts of admonition. Admonishing, I wagged at + her the match with which I was in the act of lighting my pipe. Wagging + the match, I did not notice the live head drop off on to the khaki slacks + which I had donned that afternoon to grace a visit to the War Office. + Only when I traced Suzanne's petrified stare to its target did I discover + that a ventilation hole had been created in a vital part of His Majesty's + uniform.</p> + + <p>With great presence of mind I put out the conflagration before + venturing on an encounter with Suzanne's eye.</p> + + <p>"You were discussing accidents," she observed sweetly. "What + percentage of them did you say was due to gross carelessness?"</p> + + <p>I did not bandy words. There was no escaping the fact that they were, + as Suzanne reminded me, my sole surviving pair of khaki slacks, and that + I should certainly have to get a new pair before returning to the Depôt; + for these were obviously beyond wear or repair.</p> + + <p>"Well, anyhow I've three weeks to get them in," I said as lightly as I + could. "My leave isn't up till the end of the month."</p> + + <p>"Men's clothes are terribly dear just now," remarked Suzanne + pensively. "And I <i>was</i> going to ask you to give me a new hat. But + now I suppose—"</p> + + <p>This roused my pride and self-respect.</p> + + <p>"Suzanne," I said, "the world is not coming to an end because I have + to buy a pair of slacks. You shall have your new hat to-morrow."</p> + + <p>She clapped her hands in triumph, and a moment's reflection showed me + that I had been caught. If it hadn't been for the conflagration she would + never have dared to ask for a new hat. Now I came to remember, I had + taken her out and bought her one on the first day of my leave.</p> + + <p>However, the damage was done (twice over, in fact), and I sat gently + brooding over it in silence. Suddenly an inspiring thought struck me. + Eagerly I made my way to the writing-table and drew out a long and bulky + envelope from the bottom drawer. For some time I sat there carefully + mastering its contents.</p> + + <p>"What's that funny-looking thing you're reading?" asked my wife at + last.</p> + + <p>"Oh, nothing important," I answered as casually as I could. + "Er—by the way, do you know we're insured?"</p> + + <p>"Considering that I've paid the premiums regularly while you were + away, I should think I ought to know."</p> + + <p>"Of course I shall put in a claim for the slacks," I murmured.</p> + + <p>"But how can you?" she asked, and wondering looked at me. "I read the + policy once, and as far as I remember there's nothing whatever about + khaki slacks in it."</p> + + <p>"Do you know what this policy is?" I exclaimed, brandishing the + document impressively. "It's a Comprehensive Householder's policy. I + don't know what a Comprehensive Householder is, but I think I must be + one."</p> + + <p>"But I'm <i>sure</i> it says nothing about slacks," she objected.</p> + + <p>"Comprehensive!" I shouted. "That means all-embracing. This policy + embraces my slacks."</p> + + <p>"That sounds almost indelicate."</p> + + <p>"Listen. 'Whereas the undermentioned, hereinafter called the + Accused—the Assured, I mean—has paid blank pounds, shillings + and pence Premium or Consideration ... to insure him/her from loss or + damage by Lightning, Explosion, Earthquake, Thunderbolts ...'"</p> + + <p>"Oo-er," said Suzanne with a shiver.</p> + + <p>"'... Aeroplanes, Airships, and/or other Aerial Craft, Storm, Tempest, + Subterranean Fire ...'"</p> + + <p>"Monsoon, Typhoon, Volcano, Avalanche," put in Suzanne impatiently. + "Cut the cataclysms and come to the slacks."</p> + + <p>"I'm just coming to them. '... Burglary, Housebreaking, Theft and/or + Larceny'—now hold your breath, for we're getting + there—'Conflagration and/or Fire....'" I paused to let it sink in. + "The fact is," I continued weightily, "we've had a Fire."</p> + + <p>"Have we? But I wasn't dressed for it. I should have worn a mauve + <i>peignoir</i>, and been carried down to safety by a blond fireman. To + have a fire without a fire-engine is like being married at a + registry-office. Next time—"</p> + + <p>"Nevertheless, we've had a Fire, within the meaning of the policy. Now + I'm going to write a letter to the Insurance Company."</p> + + <p>And I did so to the following effect:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"77, <i>The Supermansions</i>,</p> + <p><i>S.W.</i></p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>"<font class="sc">Dear Sirs</font>,—I regret to inform you that + a fire took place at/in the above demesne and/or flat after tea to-day + and damaged one (1) pair of khaki slacks/trousers so as to render them + unfit for further use. I shall therefore be glad to receive from you the + sum of two guineas, the original cost price of the damaged article of + apparel.</p> + + <p>"Yours, etc."</p> + + <p>Next day I took Suzanne out to buy the new hat. This done, we went on + to my tailor's to replace the ill-starred slacks. A casual inquiry as to + price elicited the statement that it would be four guineas. I cut short a + rambling discourse, in which the tailor sought to saddle various remote + agencies with the responsibility for the increase, and stamped out of the + establishment with the blasphemous vow that I'd get a pair ready-made at + the Stores.</p> + + <p>That evening I received a reply from the Insurance people:—</p> + + <p>"In all communications please quote Ref. No. 73856/SP/QR.</p> + + <p>"<font class="sc">Sir</font>,—We note your claim for garments + injured by an outbreak of fire at your residence. We await the reports of + the Fire Brigade and Salvage Corps, on receipt of which we will again + communicate with you. Meanwhile, will you kindly inform us what other + damage was done?</p> + + <p>"We are, yours, etc." <span class="pagenum"><a name="page29" + id="page29"></a>[pg 29]</span></p> + + <p>I at once wrote back to remove their misapprehension:—</p> + + <p>"<font class="sc">Dear Sirs</font>,—My fire was not what you + would call an outbreak. It was essentially a quiet affair, attended by + neither Fire Brigade nor Salvage Corps, but just the family (like being + married at a registry-office, don't you think?). My khaki slacks were the + only articles injured. As I am now going about without them, you will + realise that no time should be lost in settling the claim.</p> + + <p>"Yours, etc.</p> + + <p>"P.S. I nearly forgot—73856/RS/VP. There!"</p> + + <p>A day or two later I received a request, pitched in an almost + slanderously sceptical tone, for more detailed information. I humoured + them, and there ensued a ding-dong correspondence, in which that wretched + Ref. No. was bandied backwards and forwards with nauseating reiteration, + and of which the following are the salient points:—</p> + + <p><i>They.</i> Kindly state what you estimate the total value of the + contents of your residence to be.</p> + + <p><i>Myself</i> (<i>after a searching inquiry into present prices</i>). + £1,500.</p> + + <p><i>They</i> (<i>promptly</i>). We beg to point out that you are only + insured for a total sum of £750. In accordance with the terms of your + policy you are only entitled to recover such proportion of the value of + the loss or damage as the total insured bears towards the total value of + the contents—<i>i.e.</i>, one-half.</p> + + <p><i>Myself.</i> Two guineas is exactly one-half of four guineas, the + present cost of slacks. Please see attached affidavit from tailor. (By a + masterly stroke I had actually induced the rascal to set out his iniquity + in black and white.)</p> + + <p>At last, twenty days after the fire, when I had finally screwed myself + up to the point of going out to buy a pair of reach-me-downs, I was + rewarded by receiving a cheque for two guineas from the Insurance + Company, "in full settlement."</p> + + <p>By the same post I received a letter from the Adjutant of my Depôt + informing me that I was not to return at the expiration of my leave, but + by War Office instructions (I will spare you the Ref. No.) was to proceed + instead to the Crystal Palace for immediate demobilization. (That, by the + way, is part of the game of being a volunteer for the Army of + Occupation.) It was Suzanne who brought the two letters into their proper + correlation.</p> + + <p>"You won't have to get a new pair of slacks now," she said.</p> + + <p>"Bless my soul, no!" I exclaimed. "Then what ought I to do with this + cheque? Send it back?"</p> + + <p>"Certainly not," cried Suzanne as she snatched it from my wavering + hand. "I've been wanting a new hat for some time."</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/030.png"><img width="100%" src="images/030.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>ANOTHER COMBINE.</h3> + + <div class="i16"> + <p><i>Bystander.</i> "'<font class="sc">Ow yer goin', mate</font>?"</p> + + <p><i>Gutter Merchant.</i> "<font class="sc">Fine! I've just + amalgamated with the business next door</font>."</p> + </div> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h4>"Frenzied Finance."</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The guardians want more money also. What the Treasury finan-local + taxations are <i>only the be</i>-lical taxations are <i>only the + beginning</i> of the demand upon the citizen's pocket."—<i>Evening + Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> + +<p class="center">"<font class="sc">Jumper Champion.</font></p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The reference to a young woman living at Esher, Surrey, who has + knitted 50 jumpers since August 20, which her friends claim to be a + world's record for an amateur, has resulted in a challenge.</p> + + <p>"'Jumper,' who lives at Margate, writes: 'I find it quite easy to knit + in the dark and to read while knitting.'"—<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p> + + </blockquote> + <p>The Margate candidate will get our vote.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page30" id="page30"></a>[pg 30]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/031.png"><img width="100%" src="images/031.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>THE SERVANTS' BALL.</h3> + + <p class="center"><i>Groom</i> (<i>somewhat heated</i>). <font + class="sc">"Care for a breather, my lady?"</font></p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h3>MY SALES DAY.</h3> + + <p>7.0 to 8.30. Rise, breakfast, and make out shopping-list. I put + down:—</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Waterproof for Henry.</p> + <p>School-frock and boots for the Kid.</p> + <p>Replenish household linen.</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>9.0. Arrive at large emporium just as the doors open. Ask to be + directed to gentleman's mackintoshes. Pause on the way to look at evening + wraps marked down from five guineas to 98/11. It seems a sweeping + reduction, but I do not require an evening wrap.</p> + + <p>9.10 to 10.15. Try on evening wraps. Select a perfectly sweet <i>Rose + du Barri</i> duvetyn lined <i>gris foncé</i>.</p> + + <p>10.15. Continuing to head for mackintoshes. The course runs past a + job-line in silk hosiery. Remember I ought to get stockings to go with + the evening wrap.</p> + + <p>10.15 to 11.5. Match stockings.</p> + + <p>11.15. Arrive at gentlemen's mackintoshes. Find they are not being + reduced in the sale. Observe however that some handsome silk shirts with + broad stripes are marked half-price; get three for Henry, also a fancy + waistcoat at 6/11¾ (was 25/-), only slightly soiled down front.</p> + + <p>11.40. Ask for Children's Department. Take wrong turning and arrive at + millinery.</p> + + <p>11.40 to 1.10. Try on hats. Decide on a ducky little toque and a + fascinating river hat (for next summer).</p> + + <p>1.10 to 1.30. Still asking for Children's Department. When it is + finally given to me I am told that useful school-frocks have all been + sold.</p> + + <p>1.30 to 6.30. Drift to Shoe Department; secure a pair of pink satin + slippers—rather tight, but amazingly cheap. Swept by crowd into + "Fancy Goods"; make several purchases. Get taken in a crush to "Evening + Accessories"; am persuaded to buy.</p> + + <p>6.35. Leave emporium. It is raining heavily.</p> + + <p>7.15. Arrive home wet and exhausted. Have an argument, conducted + affably on my side, with Henry, who flatly refuses to wear the half-price + striped shirts or pay for the only-slightly-soiled waistcoat. He makes + pointed remarks about the bad weather, with cynical reference to + mackintoshes. Am struck afresh by the selfishness of men.</p> + + <p>7.45. Remember that I have forgotten household linen and Kid's boots, + but determine not to let this spoil my good temper.</p> + + <p>8.0. Dine alone with Henry. Do my best to show a forgiving spirit in + face of his egoism. So to bed, conscious of a day well spent.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>OUR DAY OF UNREST.</h3> + + <blockquote> + <p>["The great demand of the moment is something fresh to do on + Sunday."]—<i>Evening Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>At the ample shrine of pleasure</p> + <p class="i2">You have worshipped well and long</p> + <p>On this day of so-called leisure,</p> + <p class="i2">Yet you feel there's something wrong.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p><i>Blasé</i> is your air and jaded;</p> + <p class="i2">Sabbath hours have lost their zest;</p> + <p>Utter ennui has invaded</p> + <p class="i2">Every corner of your chest.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Sport is shorn of all its glamour;</p> + <p class="i2">Motoring proves no more a lure;</p> + <p>So you come to me and clamour</p> + <p class="i2">For a speedy psychic cure.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Well, my friend, if fresh sensation</p> + <p class="i2">Is the object of your search,</p> + <p>And you want a consultation,</p> + <p class="i2">My advice is, Go to church.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<h4>Bolshevism in the Civil Service.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Whitley Councils are the latest development in Government offices in + Whitehall. What is aimed at is a system of promotion free and + uninterrupted from top to bottom."</p> + + </blockquote> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page31" id="page31"></a>[pg 31]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/032.png"><img width="80%" src="images/032.png" + alt="" /></a> + <h3>THE HEIR PRESUMPTIVE.</h3> + + <p><i>Labour.</i> "PERHAPS IT'S A SIZE TOO BIG FOR ME AT PRESENT."</p> + + <p><i>Coalition.</i> "GLAD YOU FEEL LIKE THAT, AS I HAVEN'T QUITE + FINISHED WITH IT."</p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page32" id="page32"></a>[pg 32]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/033.png"><img width="100%" src="images/033.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><i>Soulful Party.</i> <font class="sc">"Ah, yes, the world is always + so—we never strew flowers on a man's grave until after he is + dead."</font></p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h3>THE CANDOUR OF KEYNES.</h3> + +<p class="center">(<i>Suggested by the perusal of "The Economic Consequences +of the Peace."</i>)</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>There was a superior young person named <font class="sc">Keynes</font></p> + <p>Who possessed an extensive equipment of brains,</p> + <p>And, being elected a Fellow of King's,</p> + <p>He taught Economics and similar things.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>On the outbreak of war he at once made his mark</p> + <p>As a "tempy," but Principal, Treasury Clerk,</p> + <p>And the Permanent Staff and the <font class="sc">Chancellor</font> too</p> + <p>Pronounced him a flier and well worth his screw.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So he went to the Conference, not as a mute,</p> + <p>To act as the <font class="sc">Chancellor's</font> chief substitute,</p> + <p>And in this extremely responsible post</p> + <p>He mingled with those who were ruling the roast.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>The Big and redoubtable Three, 'tis confessed,</p> + <p>By his talent and zeal were immensely impressed;</p> + <p>But, conversely, the fact, which is painful, remains</p> + <p>That they failed to impress the redoubtable <font class="sc">Keynes</font>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>So, after five months of progressive disgust,</p> + <p>He shook from his feet the Parisian dust,</p> + <p>Determined to give the chief Delegates beans</p> + <p>And let the plain person behind the Peace scenes.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Though his title is stodgy, yet all must admit</p> + <p>That his pages are seasoned with plenty of wit;</p> + <p>He's alert as a cat-fish; he can't be ignored;</p> + <p>And throughout his recital we never are bored.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>For he's not a mere slinger of partisan ink,</p> + <p>But a thinker who gives us profoundly to think;</p> + <p>And his arguments cannot be lightly dismissed</p> + <p>With cries of "Pro-Hun" or of "Pacificist."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And yet there are faults to be found all the same;</p> + <p>For example, I doubt if it's playing the game</p> + <p>For one who is hardly unmuzzled to guy</p> + <p>Representative statesmen who cannot reply.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And while we're amused by his caustic dispraise</p> + <p>Of President <font class="sc">Wilson's</font> Chadbandian ways,</p> + <p>Of the cynical <font class="sc">Tiger</font>, laconic and grim,</p> + <p>And our versatile <font class="sc">Premier</font>, so supple and slim—</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Still we feel, as he zealously damns the Allies</p> + <p>For grudging the Germans the means to arise,</p> + <p>That possibly some of the Ultimate Things</p> + <p>May even be hidden from Fellows of King's.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"The —— Male Voice Choir and St. ——'s Brass + Band discorded Xmas music."—<i>Local Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>We shouldn't wonder.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Another element in the industrial activity of Japan, which is brought + forcibly home to the Westerner, is the obvious pleasure that the Japanese + people take in doing the work which is allotted to them. It is no + uncommon sight to see men laughing merrily as they drag along their heavy + merchandise, or singing as they swing their anvils in a manner almost + reminiscent of the historic village blacksmith."—<i>Provincial + Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>And "children coming home from school" know better than to "look in at + the open door."</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page33" id="page33"></a>[pg 33]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/034.png"><img width="100%" src="images/034.png" + alt="" /></a> + <font class="sc">"Grandfather, I simply love your nice long beard. + Promise me you'll never have it bobbed."</font> + </div> +<hr /> + +<h2>THE EGOIST.</h2> + + <p>On Monday morning Hereward Vale left home in an unsettled state of + mind. That was putting it mildly. He was thoroughly unhappy. Something + was up—he couldn't tell what—or whether it was his own fault + or Mary's. Anyhow, it didn't seem to matter whose fault it was. The thing + had happened. That was the one overwhelming idea that concerned him. The + first shadow had fallen; their record of complete and perfect happiness + was broken.</p> + + <p>The road to the station was a long and particularly beautiful one. + Hereward had always appreciated every inch of it. But to-day he hated it. + He hated the way the yew-trees drooped, the leafless branches of the + hazels, the faded, crumpled blackberry, the scattered decaying leaves. It + was really a remarkable day for November—clear and frosty, with a + bright blue sky and scudding white clouds. A strong north-east wind + tested one's vitality. Hereward's was low. He buttoned his collar and + hurried on.</p> + + <p>Mary had never treated him quite like this before. She had always been + tender, sympathetic and understanding with his moods. True, he was + trying; but she had known that before she married him. He was an artist, + and an artist's work, he argued, depended largely on the state of his + emotions. He earned the family bread by the labour of his hands and his + hand was the servant of his mind, and his mind a tempest of moods. Mary + had applied herself to her task with creditable skill. She could always + turn his sullenness to a sort of creative melancholy of which he was + rather proud; his restlessness to energy and his discontent to something + like constructive thinking. How she achieved the miracle he did not know, + nor did he inquire. But he was guided by her as a child by its mother, + still constantly rebelling.</p> + + <p>But to-day the machinery had broken down. Mary had been cool, pleasant + and crisply unemotional at breakfast-time. He had woken up cross and with + a headache. He had a muddled feeling and wanted sorting out. But Mary + seemed quite unaware of it. She had a preoccupied manner; she went about + just too cheerfully, chatting just too pleasantly about trivial things. + It was mechanical, Hereward decided, and, anyway, it wasn't at all what + he wanted. His monosyllabic responses were accepted as perfectly right + and natural, when they were nothing of the sort. She did not get up and + pass her hand lovingly and soothingly over his hair and say things + appropriate to his state of mind. She went on with her breakfast and + looked after him kindly enough, but without solicitude.</p> + + <p>For instance, she made no comment on the fact that he had hardly + touched his bacon; she merely removed his plate and gave him marmalade + and toast as if he had left no bacon at all. She didn't even notice the + lines of suffering on his face, the dark circles under his eyes. He cast + a glance in the mirror when her back was turned to see if they were + obvious. They were. Why wasn't Mary catching his hump? She always + did.</p> + + <p>When finally he left the house, a little bent, with no spring in his + step, Mary didn't accompany him to the door. She didn't exchange with him + one of those rapid looks of complete understanding that he had grown so + accustomed to and found so sustaining <span class="pagenum"><a + name="page34" id="page34"></a>[pg 34]</span> and helpful. She kissed him + firmly and coolly, almost casually. Just so she might kiss an aunt.</p> + + <p>The train journey was cold and lonely. Nobody he knew was travelling + up to town. He bought a daily paper, but the headlines put him off. They + were nearly all about divorce cases. There was one about a man who had + lived for three years in the same house with his wife without speaking to + her. Such things were possible! He gazed out of the window. The wonderful + day had no charm for him. The feeling of autumn only further increased + his sense of the loss of youth, of the decay of romance. He nursed and + nourished his grievance. He desired that Mary should know what a wreck + she had made of his day, possibly of his life.</p> + + <p>He was in no mood for work. He went up to his studio in Fitzroy Square + and muddled about with pens and ink. He had what he called a good tidy + up, and firmly and consistently threw away every relic of sentiment he + had foolishly preserved. At one o'clock, through habit and not because he + was hungry, he went out and had a lonely lunch at a small restaurant, + sitting at a marble-topped table which imparted to him something of its + chill. After that he loafed about looking at things till dusk. Dusk was + quite unbearable. He fled back to the studio, made up a stupendous fire, + lit a pipe and mused.</p> + + <p>He decided not to go home that night. He felt hurt and ill-used. He + would stay in town and have a thoroughly good time. As the idea struck + him he looked round the studio. The corners were dismal and shadowy. + Everything not in the immediate circle of the fire looked grey and + cheerless. His easel, with a bit of drapery thrown across it, was like a + spectre with outstretched arms. It suggested despair. He could think of + no one whom he wanted to see. There wasn't a soul he knew whom he would + not in this crisis deliberately have avoided.</p> + + <p>So he went to the Russian Ballet and was bored. He had been excited + about <i>Cleopatra</i> the first time he had seen it; he now decided that + it was a great mistake to try to repeat emotional experiences.</p> + + <p>He left hurriedly before the programme was half over. His feet took + him mechanically to Waterloo Station. He looked up a train. The 9.30 was + due out; he sprinted and caught it. The carriage he managed to get into + was empty and warm. He slept; he slept all the way, and it did him + good.</p> + + <p>When he arrived at the other end the night was calm and the sky + star-spangled. The walk out exhilarated him; his exasperation was over. + He ran lightly down the leaf-strewn steps of the old garden and looked in + at the window. Mary was seated at the fire. She looked pensive, pretty + and a little sad. He whistled and she smiled up. "Hooray!" she said, "I'd + nearly given you up." She slipped round and had the door open before he + could get out his key and drew him in. She helped him off with his coat + and scanned his face with even more than her usual intentness and + interest. But she didn't ask him why he was late and he didn't tell her. + He thought that could wait.</p> + + <p>Their extemporised supper was a great success, and they sat before the + wood fire far into the night.</p> + + <p>"What was up this morning?" he finally asked. "You weren't quite + yourself, were you?"</p> + + <p>"This morning?" she questioned, puzzled. "Oh, I remember. I woke with + a splitting headache. Did you notice it? You nice old thing!"</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:66%;"> + <a href="images/035.png"><img width="100%" src="images/035.png" + alt="" /></a> + <p><i>Musician</i> (<i>having bumped lady with 'cello</i>). <font + class="sc">"Oh, I <i>am</i> so sorry."</font></p> + + <p><i>Lady.</i> <font class="sc">"Don't mention it. I'm passionately + fond of music."</font></p> + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page35" id="page35"></a>[pg 35]</span> + +<h2>AT THE PLAY.</h2> + +<p class="center"><font class="sc">"Mr. Pim Passes By."</font></p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"The year's at the spring</p> + <p>And day's at the morn...</p> + <p>God's in His heaven—</p> + <p>All's right with the world!"</p> + </div> + </div> + + <p>When <i>Pippa</i> "passed," singing songs like that and preoccupied + with the splendid fact of her one day's holiday, she unconsciously + brought about a change for the better in the heart or conscience of all + who overheard her. It was not so with the passing of <i>Mr. Pim</i>. + Prior to his intrusion, there had been nothing to disturb the + well-ordered existence of <i>Geo. Marden, Esq., J.P.,</i> and his wife + (late Mrs. Tellworthy), except that they did not see eye to eye on the + small question of his niece's early engagement to a young artist and on + the still smaller question of futuristic curtains. Then came <i>Mr. + Garraway Pim</i>, a doddering old gentleman, with a thin falsetto voice + and a loosish memory, but otherwise harmless. He arrives with an + introduction from Australia and casually lets fall a tale of a + fellow-passenger with the unusual name of Tellworthy, from + which—and other incidental evidence—<i>Mrs. Marden</i> + gathers that her first husband (an ex-convict) is still alive. Having + dropped this thunderbolt he drifts off, leaving tragedy in his wake. End + of Act I.</p> + + <p><i>Marden</i>, highly conscientious, takes the orthodox view that his + lawless marriage must be nullified. His wife, though horrified at the + resurrection of her impossible first husband, permits herself to + recognise the humorously ironic side of things. <i>Mr. Pim</i>, + fortunately located in the immediate neighbourhood, is sent for that he + may throw further light on the painful subject of Tellworthy's revival. + He now reports—what he had vaguely imagined himself to have + mentioned in the first instance—that Tellworthy had met his death + at Marseilles through swallowing a herring-bone. The Second Act closes + with a burst of jubilant hysterics on the part of <i>Mrs. Marden</i>.</p> + + <p>But the situation is only partially relieved. True, the old husband is + dead all right, but the <i>Mardens'</i> marriage is still bigamous; they + have been living all this time in what would be regarded in the eyes of + Heaven (and, still worse, the county of Bucks) as sin. However, a + trifling formality at a registry-office can rectify this and nobody need + be any the wiser. This at least is <i>Marden's</i> attitude, always free + from any suspicion of complexity. But his wife (if that is the word for + her), being of a more subtle nature, determines to make profit out of the + situation. She points out to him that she is at present the widow + Tellworthy and that she must be wooed all over again, and can only be won + on her own terms. These include a recognition of the niece's engagement + (has not the young artist an equal right with <i>Marden</i> to a speedy + marriage with the woman of his choice?) and a concession to her taste in + futuristic curtains.</p> + + <div class="figright" style="width:50%;"> + <a href="images/036.png"><img width="100%" src="images/036.png" + alt="" /></a> + A DROPPER OF UNCONSIDERED TRIFLES. + + <div class="i16"> + <p><i>Mr. Pim.</i> Mr. <font class="sc">Dion Boucicault</font>.</p> + + <p><i>Mrs Marden.</i> Miss <font class="sc">Irene Vanbrugh</font>.</p> + </div> + </div> + <p>At this juncture <i>Mr. Pim</i> drifts in again to correct an error of + memory. The name of the gentleman who succumbed to the herring-bone was + not Tellworthy (he must have got that name into his head through hearing + it mentioned as that of <i>Mrs. Marden's</i> first husband). It was + really Polwhistle—either Henry or Ernest Polwhistle; he was not + quite sure which. Everything is thus restored to the <i>status quo + ante</i>, except that <i>Marden</i>, in a spasm of generous reaction, + feels himself morally bound to abide by the new conditions that his wife + had laid down.</p> + + <p><i>Mr. Pim</i> only passes by once more to announce his settled + conviction that <i>Polwhistle's</i> Christian name was Ernest and not + Henry.</p> + + <p>It will be seen that the play is original in design; but it is also a + true play of character revealed by circumstance. Further—and this + is very rare—it owes nothing to the adventitious aid of the + costumier. For the author's observation of the unities is extended to + include the matter of dress; he allows his people one costume each and no + more.</p> + + <p>Miss <font class="sc">Irene Vanbrugh</font> played as if every one of + her words had been made expressly for her, as, no doubt, they were. I + have never seen her so perfect in detail, in the poise of her head, in + her least gesture and intonation, in her swift changes of mood; never so + quietly mistress of the <i>finesse</i> of her art.</p> + + <p>As <i>Marden</i>, Mr. <font class="sc">Ben Webster</font> was a little + restless in a part for which he was not constitutionally suited, but + played with the greatest courage and sincerity. Mr. <font class="sc">Dion + Boucicault's</font> study of <i>Mr. Pim</i> was extraordinarily + effective; and the way in which he made the attenuated pipings of this + futile old gentleman carry like the notes of a bell was in itself a + remarkable feat.</p> + + <p>These three were given great chances, full of colour. But in the part + of <i>Brian Strange</i>, the boy-lover, by its nature relatively + colourless, Mr. <font class="sc">Leslie Howard</font> was hardly less + good. He never made anything like a mistake of manner. I wish I could say + the same of his flapper. But Miss <font class="sc">Cohan</font> asserted + her good spirits a little too boisterously for the picture.</p> + + <p>I hope I shall not be suspected of partiality towards one of Mr. + Punch's young men if I say that this is the best of the good things that + Mr. <font class="sc">Milne</font> has given us. As in his unacted play, + <i>The Lucky One</i>, he gives evidence of a desire, not unfrequent in + humourists, to be taken seriously. But he knows by now that brilliant + dialogue is what is expected of him, and he thinks, too modestly, that he + cannot afford to dispense with it for long at a time. The result is that, + after stringing us up to face a tragic situation, he is tempted to let us + down with light-hearted cynicisms. He would hate me to suggest that Mr. + <font class="sc">Bernard Shaw</font> has infected him, but perhaps he + wouldn't mind my hinting at the influence of Sir <font class="sc">James + Barrie</font>. Certainly his <i>Mardens</i> remind me of the + <i>Darlings</i> in <i>Peter Pan</i>. Just as there we were invited + alternately to weep for the bereaved mother's sorrow and roar over the + bereaved father's buffooneries, so here, though not so disastrously, our + hearts are torn between sympathy for the husband's real troubles and + amusement at the wife's flippant attitude towards the common tragedy.</p> + + <p>I will not deny the sneaking pleasure which this flippancy gave me at + the time, but in the light of calmer reflection I feel that Mr. <font + class="sc">Milne</font> would really have pleased himself better if he + could have found the courage to keep the play on a serious note all + through the interval between <i>Mr. Pim's</i> first and second + revelations. Apart from the higher question of sincerity he would have + gained something, in an artistic sense, by getting a stronger contrast + out of the change of situation that followed the announcement of + Tellworthy's demise.</p> + + <p>In the First Act we seemed to have a little too much of the young + couple, but this insistence was perhaps justified by the important part + which their affairs subsequently played (along with the <i>leit-motif</i> + of the futuristic curtains) in the readjustment of the relations between + husband and wife.</p> + + <p>If I have any flaw to find in a really charming play, I think it was a + mistake for <i>Mrs. Marden</i> to let <i>Mr. Pim</i> into the secret of + her past. As with the sweet influences of <i>Pippa</i>, so with the + devastating havoc wrought by the inexactitudes of <i>Mr. Pim</i>, I think + he should have been left unconscious of the effect of his passing.</p> + + <p>For the rest,</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Mr. <font class="sc">Milne's</font> at his best—</p> + <p>All's right with the play!</p> + </div> + </div> + +<p class="author">O.S.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page36" id="page36"></a>[pg 36]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/037a.png"><img width="100%" src="images/037a.png" + alt="" /></a> + IT WAS UNFORTUNATE THAT BROWN HAD NOT FINISHED HIS MASTERPIECE, "THE + SURRENDER OF THE GARRISON," BY THE TIME THE WAR CAME TO AN END. + </div> + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/037b.png"><img width="100%" src="images/037b.png" + alt="" /></a> + HOWEVER, IT NEEDED VERY LITTLE ALTERATION TO MAKE IT SALEABLE. + </div> +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page37" id="page37"></a>[pg 37]</span> + +<h3>EUPHONIOUS ALIENS.</h3> + + <p>(<i>A successful chamber concert has been given by three players, + styling themselves "The Modern Trio," and named as under.</i>)</p> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>You may search through all Europe from Nenagh to Nish</p> + <p>For such a delightfully-named coalish</p> + <p>As that of <font class="sc">Mannucci</font> and <font class="sc">Melzak</font> and <font class="sc">Krish</font>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In <font class="sc">Melzak</font> we note the Slavonic ambish;</p> + <p><font class="sc">Mannucci</font> suggests an Italian dish,</p> + <p>And there's an exotic allurement in <font class="sc">Krish</font>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Their combined <i>cantilena's</i> as soothing as squish;</p> + <p>'Twould have banished the madness of <font class="sc">Saul</font>, son of <font class="sc">Kish</font>,</p> + <p>Had he listened to <font class="sc">Melzak</font>, <font class="sc">Mannucci</font> and <font class="sc">Krish</font>.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>Their music, I gather, is wholly delish,</p> + <p>But their names are the thing that I specially wish</p> + <p>To applaud in <font class="sc">Mannucci</font> and <font class="sc">Melzak</font> and <font class="sc">Krish</font>.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + +<h4>The Struggle for Life.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"<font class="sc">For Sale</font>.—Entire household, $200 + cash."—<i>American Paper</i>.</p> + + </blockquote> +<hr /> + +<h3>ANOTHER CRISIS.</h3> + + <p>Whether it is due to war-weariness or not the fact remains that the + British public view with apparent apathy the new crises which arise day + by day to threaten their happiness and maybe to change the whole course + of their life.</p> + + <p>Only a few mornings ago we read in <i>The Daily Chronicle</i> the + following momentous statement made by that newspaper's golf + correspondent: "I'm told that the thirty-one pennyweight ball is doomed." + Doomed! Yet, so far as could be observed in the demeanour of the + pleasure-seekers in the Strand on the afternoon of that same day, things + might have been exactly as they were the day before.</p> + + <p>We learn that the sub-committee investigating this matter of the + thirty-one pennyweight ball have consulted both the manufacturers and the + professionals. A ray of hope is given by the statement, made on good + authority, that "the manufacturers have adopted a very reasonable + attitude." The country should be grateful for this. But, on the other + hand, "the professionals want full freedom in the selection of + balls."</p> + + <p>To foster a false optimism at this juncture would be criminal, and it + may as well be admitted at once that negotiations are proceeding with + difficulty. As we go to press we learn that a protracted meeting, lasting + from 2 <font class="sc">p.m.</font> until after midnight, has been held. + The leader of the manufacturers, on emerging from the conference hall, + was seen to look pale and exhausted. Pushing his way through the pressmen + and photographers he said, "Boys, for the moment we are bunkered; we must + employ the niblick. No, that is all I can tell you;" and he walked + quickly away with his hand to his brow and muttering words seldom heard + off the course.</p> + + <p>Equally grave, the organising secretary of the professionals was even + less communicative, for he spoke in his native tongue, and the Scotsman + among the reporters who undertook to translate his remarks was + unfortunately unable to make himself understood.</p> + + <p>The <font class="sc">Prime Minister's</font> Private Secretary has + issued to the Press a statement that Mr. <font class="sc">Lloyd + George</font> is keeping in close touch with Walton Heath and the + progress of events, but that at present no useful purpose would be served + by Government interference.</p> + + <p><i>The Daily Chronicle</i> correspondent also announces that + representatives of American golf are to visit St. Andrews in the Spring + to discuss the question. We trust their visit may not be too late. If the + problem is one that can be solved by dollars no doubt they will come + well-equipped for enforcing American opinion on the British public. We + can only hope that international relationships will not be strained by + their deliberations; let there be a spirit of toleration and a + recognition of the rights of small nations, and all may yet be well.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>WHY THE SPARROW LIVES +IN THE TOWN.</h3> + + <div class="poem"> + <div class="stanza"> + <p>In noisy towns, where traffic roars and rushes</p> + <p class="i2">And where the grimy streets are dark and narrow,</p> + <p>You never see the robins and the thrushes,</p> + <p class="i2">Nor hear their songs. Only the City sparrow</p> + <p>Chirps bravely and as cheerily as they,</p> + <p>Although his home is very far away.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>He chirps of lanes, of far-off country places</p> + <p class="i2">(This is the sparrows' story that I'm telling);</p> + <p>Long, long ago they lived in sweet wide spaces;</p> + <p class="i2">Their homes were in the hedges, gay, green-smelling;</p> + <p>The people, though, came citywards to dwell;</p> + <p>"Then we," the sparrows said, "must go as well.</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>"Yes, we're the birds to go, for all our brothers</p> + <p class="i2">Would lose their songs in cities dark and crowdy;</p> + <p>Their hearts would break; but we're not like the others,</p> + <p class="i2">We cannot sing, our coats are drab and dowdy;</p> + <p>But we can chirp and chirp and chirp again;</p> + <p>The people shan't forget a country lane."</p> + </div> + + <div class="stanza"> + <p>And so they came, and in all city-weathers</p> + <p class="i2">They chirped a note of cheer to exiles weary;</p> + <p>And <i>still</i> the sparrows chirp, for their brown feathers</p> + <p class="i2">Hide now, as then, brave kindly hearts and cheery,</p> + <p>Of lanes they've never seen nor lived among,</p> + <p>Of country lanes they sing, the same old song.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<hr /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"<font class="sc">Sir Albert's Elevation.</font>—'Up, Stanley, + up!'—<i>Shakespeare</i> (amended)."—<i>Sunday + Pictorial.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>Great <font class="sc">Scott</font> (<font + class="sc">Walter</font>)!</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <blockquote> + <p>"Very attractive was the interior of the —— Hall, when the + Misses —— entertained a large number of their friends at an + enjoyable dance. Everything was 'conteur de pose.'"—<i>Australian + Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + <p>It is very clear they weren't jazzing.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page38" id="page38"></a>[pg 38]</span> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:100%;"> + <a href="images/039.png"><img width="100%" src="images/039.png" + alt="" /></a> + THE POST-WAR SPORTSMAN MAKES THE ACQUAINTANCE OF THE HUNTSMAN. + </div> +<hr /> + +<h3>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h3> + +<p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</p> + + <p><i>The Romance of Madame Tussaud's</i> (<font + class="sc">Odhams</font>) strikes one, in these days of universal + reminiscence, almost as a <i>libre à faire</i>, certainly as a volume + that finds its welcome waiting for it. I suppose there are few unhappy + beings for whom the very name of that gifted lady does not revive + something of the nursery magic that is never quite forgotten. All of + which means that Mr. <font class="sc">John T. Tussaud</font>, who has + written, vivaciously and with obvious pleasure, this history of the + famous show, is (I hope) assured beforehand of his sales. It is a fat + record, taking the story from the earliest wax profiles made by Dr. <font + class="sc">Curtius</font> for the Parisian aristocracy in the days before + the Revolution; through the Terror, when his niece (afterwards Madame + <font class="sc">Tussaud</font>) was employed to model notable heads from + the basket of the guillotine, which was itself subsequently to figure + amongst the attractions of her collection, and finally bringing the + enterprising artist and her models to England and Baker Street, whence a + comparatively recent move established them (the foundress in effigy only) + in their present palace. I was especially interested to trace the + evidence of close attention paid to the show by Mr. Punch, and in + particular to learn that the title Chamber of Horrors was first invented + by that observer; though the author falls into an obvious chronological + inexactitude in ascribing to these pages a cartoon by <font + class="sc">Cruikshank</font> published "in November of Waterloo year." I + have no space for the many queer stories, chiefly of encounters between + the quick and the wax, with which the book abounds, nor for more than + mention of its admirable photographs, of which I should have liked many + more. Altogether it gives an unusual sidelight on the history of two + Capitals; and incidentally, if the reading of it puts others in the same + resolve as myself, an extra turn-stile will be needed in the Marylebone + Road.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Mr. <font class="sc">Harry Tighe</font> is something of a problem to + me. With the best will in the world to appreciate what looked like + unusual promise I can only regard him at present as one who is neglecting + the good gifts of heaven in the pursuit apparently of some + Jack-o'-lanthorn idea of popularity. No doubt you recall his first novel, + <i>The Sheep Path</i>, a sincere and well-observed study of feminine + temperament. This was followed by one that (though it had its friends) + marked, to my thinking, a lamentable fall from grace. He has now + published a third, <i>Day Dawn</i> (<font class="sc">Westall</font>). + Here, though popularity of a kind may be its reward, the work is still + woefully beneath what should be Mr. <font class="sc">Tighe's</font> + level. Certainly not one of the demands of the circulating libraries is + unfulfilled. We have a fair-haired heroine (victim to cocaine), a dark + and villainous foreigner, a dashing hero, a middle-aged woman who adores + him despite the presence of her husband, himself called throughout + <i>Baron Brinthall</i>, a style surely more common in pantomimic circles + than in the drawing-rooms of Mayfair; and the incidents embrace both + murder and suicide. Moreover there is "plenty of conversation," and the + intrigue moves sufficiently quickly (if jerkily) to keep one curious + about the next page. But having very willingly admitted so much I return + to my contention, that for Mr. <font class="sc">Tighe</font> to neglect + his sensitive and delicate art for the antics of these <span + class="pagenum"><a name="page39" id="page39"></a>[pg 39]</span> tawdry + dolls is to betray both himself and the craft of which he may still + become a distinguished exponent.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>From the official who is interested in officialdom to the Infantry + officer who is interested in tactics, from the mechanical expert who can + appreciate the technical details of diagrams to the child who revels in + faultless photographs of hair-raising monsters ("I may read it, mother, + mayn't I, when I've unstickied my fingers?" was the way I heard it put), + everybody, I think, will find plenty to attract him in Sir <font + class="sc">Albert Stern's</font> finely illustrated <i>Tanks + 1914-1918</i> (<font class="sc">Hodder and Stoughton</font>). Tanks were + born at Lincoln, and rightly so, for did not <font class="sc">Oliver + Cromwell's</font> Ironsides mostly come from this region?—and the + main theme of this book is to show how much more formidable an obstacle + they found in the files and registries of Whitehall than in the trenches + and wire-entanglements of Flanders and France. Parents they had and + sponsors innumerable. Practical soldiers and engineers were enthusiastic + about them, and the Bosch quaked in his trenches or ran; but even so late + as the autumn of 1917, after General <font class="sc">Foch</font> (as he + was then) had said, "You must make quantities and quantities; we must + fight mechanically," one stout little company of obscurantists bravely + defied the creed of Juggernaut until the irresistible logic of its + successes in the field crushed them remorselessly under the "creeping + grip." And that company, of course, according to Sir <font + class="sc">Albert Stern</font>, was the British War Office.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>Let me commend to you <i>The Mask</i> (<font + class="sc">Methuen</font>) as a craftsmanlike essay in imaginative + realism; ruthlessly candid and self-revealing, but free from that + tiresome obsession of the ultra-realists that everything that has ever + happened is equally important in retrospect. The narrator, <i>Vanya + Gombarov</i>, a Russian Jew, discourses reflectively and detachedly, as + it were from behind a mask, to an English artist friend about his early + childhood in his own land and the dismal adventures of the + <i>Gombarov</i> family in that underworld of exploited and miserable + aliens which is one of the root social problems of America. Very + poignantly Mr. <font class="sc">John Cournos</font> makes you understand + the import of the phrase so constantly on the lips of such victims of + their own credulous hopes of El Dorado—"Woe to <font + class="sc">Columbus</font>!" The portrait of <i>Vanya's</i> stepfather, + brilliant, magnanimous, pursued by an Æschylean malignity of destiny, + fills much of the foreground and is a quite masterly piece of work. One + cannot be wrong in assuming this to be essential autobiography; there is + a passionate conviction as of things intimately seen and dreadfully + suffered. Such material might well have tempted to a mere piling of + squalor upon squalor. A fine discretion has given a noble dignity to a + record through which shines the unquenchable human spirit. One passage, + full of affectionate discernment about London, will cause a flicker of + just pride in everyone who is authentic Cockney, whether by birth or + adoption. A big book of its kind, I dare assert.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p><i>Star of India</i> (<font class="sc">Cassell</font>) is what Mrs. + <font class="sc">Alice Perrin</font> calls her latest novel, a title so + good that I can only wonder why (or perhaps whether) it has not been used + before. Inside also I found excellent entertainment. One supposes the + author to have been confronted with two main problems with regard to her + plot—how to make sufficiently plausible the marriage between a + flapper (if you will forgive the odious word) of seventeen and a + middle-ageing Anglo-Indian; and, secondly, how to impart any touch of + novelty to the inevitable catastrophe that must attend this union. The + first she has managed by a very cunning suggestion of the mingled + jealousy, curiosity and boredom that drove <i>Stella</i> into the arms of + her elderly suitor; the second by a variety of devices, to indicate which + would be to give away the whole intrigue—one, I may say, whose + climax is not nearly so visible from afar as that of most triangle tales. + One point only I will reveal: Mrs. <font class="sc">Perrin</font> has had + the courage, while vindicating her own common-sense judgment upon such + folk, to introduce a second girl, daughter and pupil of one of the + spoon-fed idealists who would govern India with the platitudes of + ignorance, and not only to make her sympathetic, but to convince me of + her attractions, which (especially just now) was not easy work. Decidedly + a first-rate yarn.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + + <p>We may, I think, take it that the love-story in <i>The Gunroom</i> + (<font class="sc">Black</font>) is fiction pure and naively simple, but + that the experiences of <i>John Lynwood</i>, the hero, in the Navy are + given as the actual experiences of Mr. <font class="sc">C.L. + Morgan</font>, the author. Let me then at once say that his revelations + of the bullying of junior by senior midshipmen go back to a period before + the War. These "shakings," we are asked to believe, were due partly to + custom and partly to boredom caused by lack of leave. If Mr. <font + class="sc">Morgan</font> is correct both in his facts and surmises it is + satisfactory to think that the War must have obliterated the boredom + which provoked such excesses, and one need not be a fanatical opponent of + physical punishment to hope that such forms of tyranny will never again + be tolerated as a matter of custom. I am obliged to conclude that these + incidents in <i>Lynwood's</i> career are absolutely true, for certainly + nothing less than absolute truth could excuse their appearance in print; + but at the same time I must confess that any attack upon our Navy is apt + with me to act as an irritant. The more reason that I should honestly + admit Mr. <font class="sc">Morgan's</font> merits and say that he writes + with a nice sense of style, and that his book does not derive its only + interest from its revelations.</p> + +<hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width:60%;"> + <a href="images/040.png"><img width="100%" src="images/040.png" + alt="" /></a> + OUR LAUNDRIES: THE COLLAR-FINISHER. + </div> +<hr /> + +<h4>Hunting Extraordinary.</h4> + +<p class="center">"<font class="sc">Good Sport with the Holderness.</font></p> + + <blockquote> + <p>"A stout ox led the field into Bilton village."—<i>Provincial + Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> +<hr class="short" /> + +<h4>Réchauffés for Cannibals.</h4> + + <blockquote> + <p>"A company, numbering over 80, sat down to dinner, the host and + hostess (Mr. and Mrs. ——) proving, as usual, a first-class + menu."—<i>Local Paper.</i></p> + + </blockquote> + +<p> </p> +<hr class="full" /> +<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 158, JANUARY 14, 1920***</p> +<p>******* This file should be named 16107-h.txt or 16107-h.zip *******</p> +<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br /> +<a href="https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/6/1/0/16107">https://www.gutenberg.org/1/6/1/0/16107</a></p> +<p>Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed.</p> + +<p>Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, January 14, 1920 + + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: June 22, 2005 [eBook #16107] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 158, JANUARY 14, 1920*** + + +E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins, and the Project +Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net) + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 16107-h.htm or 16107-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/6/1/0/16107/16107-h/16107-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/6/1/0/16107/16107-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 158 + +JANUARY 14TH, 1920 + + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +The Premier, says a contemporary, has become greatly attached to a white +terrier puppy that he brought with him from Colwyn Bay. The report that it +has been taught to run after its own tail by Mr. LLOYD GEORGE himself is +probably the work of malice. + +* * * + +Our heart goes out to the tenant of an experimental wooden house who is +advertising for the assistance of the man who successfully held up a +post-office in London about a fortnight ago. + +* * * + +A London carman is said to have summoned his neighbour for calling him an +O.B.E. We are sure he could not have meant it. + +* * * + +"The most hygienic dress for all boys is the Scots kilt," says a +correspondent of _The Daily Mail_. "My own boys wear nothing else." We are +glad to see that the obsolete Highland Practice of muffling the ears in a +cairngorm has been definitely discarded. + +* * * + +According to a contemporary a new form of road surface material, which is +not injurious to fish, has been produced by the South Metropolitan Gas +Company. The utilisation of some of the deeper cavities in our highways for +the purpose of food production has long been a favourite theme of ours. + +* * * + +"Having a tooth drawn," says a writer in _Health Hints_, "has its +advantages." It certainly tends to keep one's mind off the Coalition. + +* * * + +Two men have been charged at Sutton with selling water for whisky. People +are now asking the exact date when this was first made an offence. + +* * * + +At the present time a missionary costs twice as much as before the War, +says the Rev. W.J. FULLERTON. Many a cassowary has been complaining +bitterly of the high cost of this comestible. + +* * * + +A new tango will be danced for the first time on January 15th, says _The +Daily Express_. For ourselves we shall try to go about our business just as +if nothing really serious had happened. + +* * * + +Asked by the magistrate if her husband had threatened her, a Stratford +woman replied, "No; he only said he would kill me." Almost any little thing +seems to irritate some people. + +* * * + +It appears that, after reading various references about his trial in the +London papers, the ex-Kaiser was heard to say that if we were not very +careful he would wash his hands of the whole business. + +* * * + +There is a lot of wishy-washy talk about the Bolshevists, says a Labour +paper. Wishy, perhaps, but from what we see of their pictures in the +papers, not washy. + +* * * + +"Supplies of string for letter mail-bags," says _The Post Office Circular_, +"will in future be 19 inches in length, instead of 18 inches." It is the +ability to think out things like this that has made us the nation we are +to-day. + +* * * + +Offers are invited in a contemporary for a large quantity of tiger skins. +People should first make sure that the rest of the tiger has been properly +removed before purchasing. + +* * * + +The composer of an American ragtime song is to have a statue erected to him +in New York. It is hoped that this warning will have the desired effect on +any composers in this country who may be tempted to commit a similar error. + +* * * + +We understand that, after several weeks of careful investigation into +details, the special Committee appointed by the Government to deal with +Germany's refusal to pay for her sunken fleet at Scapa have now recommended +that no receipt should be given until the money is handed over. + +* * * + +"You will soon be able to get work," said the Kingston magistrate to a man +summoned for income-tax. This is the sort of thoughtless remark that tends +to embitter the unemployed. + +* * * + +According to an evening paper, Granny LAMBERT, of Edmonton, proposed to the +reporter who visited her on her one-hundred-and-sixth birthday. As, +however, she is experiencing some difficulty in obtaining the consent of +her parents the affair may possibly fall through. + +* * * + +Much sympathy is felt for the scrum-half who will be unable to assist his +team this month on account of being severely crocked whilst helping his +wife at the Winter sales. + +* * * + +The London policeman who went across to Ireland for his Christmas holiday +is still under strict observation by mental experts. + +* * * + +We hear that the Congo Government have now decided that all Brontosauri +must in future carry a red front light and a green rear light when +travelling at night-time. + +* * * + +The War Office is said to be making preparations to abolish the Tank Corps. +It appears that the Major-General who recently drove from Whitehall to +Tothill Street in one of these vehicles has reported unfavourably upon +them, saying that he never got a wink of sleep the whole time. + +* * * + +A remarkable echo of Armageddon is reported from the Wimbledon district. A +subscriber was rung up the other day by "Trunks" and asked if he still +wished to say good-bye to himself before leaving for the Somme. + +* * * + +Thistles do more damage to agriculture than rats, declared the +Montgomeryshire Agricultural Executive Committee. Stung by this +uncalled-for attack on his national vegetable a Scotchman writes to say +that within his knowledge more arable land has been laid waste by leeks +than by any other noxious weed. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Professor's Wife._ "SEPTIMUS, THE THAW HAS BURST THE +PIPES." + +_Professor._ "NO, NO, MARIE. AS I'VE HAD OCCASION TO EXPLAIN TO YOU EVERY +YEAR SINCE I CAN REMEMBER, IT'S THE FROST THAT BURSTS THE PIPES--_NOT_ THE +THAW."] + + * * * * * + +FASHIONS FOR MEN. + + ["Who will help the Disposal Board by starting some new fashion that + would enable it to get rid of a great consignment of kilts as worn by + the London Scottish, the Royal Scots and the Highland Light Infantry?" + --_Mrs. KELLAWAY on the Disposal Board's "Curiosity Shop."_] + + There are who hanker for a touch of colour, + So to relieve their sombre air; + For me, I like my clothes to be much duller + Than what the nigger minstrels wear; + I hold by sable, drab and grey; + I do not wish to be a popinjay. + + In vain my poor imagination grapples + With these new lines in fancy shades, + These purple evening coats with yellow lapels, + These vests composed in flowered brocades; + Nor can I think that noisy checks + Would help me to attract the other sex. + + With gaudy schemes that rouse my solemn dander + I leave our frivolous youth to flirt; + A riband round my straw--for choice, Leander; + A subtle nuance in my shirt; + For tie, the colours of my school-- + These are the limits of my austere rule. + + But, when they'd have me swathe the clamorous tartan + In lieu of trousers round my waist, + Then they evoke the spirit of the Spartan + Inherent in my simple taste; + Inexorably I decline + To drape the kilt on any hips of mine. + + It may be they will count me over-modest, + Deem me Victorian, dub me prude; + I may have early views, the very oddest, + On what is chaste and what is rude; + Yet am I certain that my leg + Would not look right beneath a filibeg. + + I love the Scot as being truly British; + Golf (and the Union) makes us one; + Yet to my nature, which is far from skittish + And lacks his local sense of fun, + There is a something almost foreign + About his strange attachment to the sporran. + + So, when a bargain-sale is held of chattels + Surviving from the recent War-- + Textiles and woollens, built for use in battles-- + And Scotland's there inquiring for + The kilt department, I shall not + Be found competing. She can have the lot. + + +O.S. + + * * * * * + +THE DOMESTIC PROBLEM. + +"Well, I've been to see three of them now," she said. "The first is at +Shepherd's Bush--" + +"What pipes!" I ejaculated. "What music! What wild ecstasy!" + +"--four hundred yards from the Central Tube, to be exact; and there's a +large roller skating-rink next door. You never rolled, did you? Three +sessions daily, the advertisement says." + +"I'm afraid I sat oftener than that when I rolled," I confessed. "'Another +transport split,' as the evening papers say. I wonder whether Sir ERIC +GEDDES is the rink-controller. But tell me a little about the house. I +suppose there's a high premium and a deep basement?" + +"There are." + +"Next, please." + +"The next is at Chiswick; very damp and miles and miles to catch your bus. +And there's a basement again." + +"You might grow mushrooms in the basement," I said hopefully, "while I +hunted my Pimlico on the shore. What about the third?" + +"The third is at Hampstead, very high up and very salubrious. The agent +says we should be able to overlook the whole of London." + +"Impossible," I protested; "you can't ignore a thing like London." + +"I don't think he meant that exactly," she explained. "He said that from +the top bedroom window on bright days one could catch a glimpse of the dome +of St. Paul's." + +"That will be rather fine," I agreed. "We can have afternoon receptions in +the top bedroom, and print 'To meet the Dean and Chapter' on the card. +People love meeting Chapters in real life. What is the rental of this +eyrie?" + +She told me. It was as high as the site; and, again, there was a dug-out +underneath. + +"You haven't tried Ponder's End?" I said at last. "I've often seen those +words on a bus, and a lot of sad-looking people on the top, pondering, I +suppose, the inevitable end." + +"Well, which of them are we going to choose? It's the servant problem +that's the real trouble, you know. They simply won't cope with a basement +nowadays." + +"I think you overestimate the help crisis," I said. "There are two things +that they really want. The first is to have employers absolutely dependent +on them, and the second is a gay life. To take the first. I remember that +when I was in digs--" + +"Do you mind if I knit?" she asked. + +--"when I was in digs it was my landlady's fondest delusion that I could do +nothing to help myself. And, of course, I was bound to foster the idea. +Every night I used to hide my pipe behind the coal-scuttle or my latchkey +in the aspidistra, just for her to find. There was rather a terrible moment +once when she came in unexpectedly and caught me losing half-a-crown +underneath the hearth-rug; but I pretended to be finding it, and saved the +situation. It will be just the same with you. You will go down into the +basement and pretend to mistake the flour for the salt, and the cook will +love you for ever. It's all done by kindness and incompetence." + +"I suppose it is," she said doubtfully. + +"And then there's amusements," I went on. "We will have Charles in once or +twice a week. No servant who has ever heard Charles trying to sing would +prefer a night out at the cinema or the skating-rink. If she does, we'll +get a gramophone." + +"Not for worlds," she gasped. + +"Oh, _you_ wouldn't have to listen to it. It would live in the basement, +and HARRY LAUDER would help the girl to clean the knives and break the +cups, and GEORGE ROBEY would make washing the dishes one grand sweet song. +The basement would be a fairyland." + +"All this doesn't seem to get us much further," she complained, "in +deciding which of those houses we're going to take." + +"Oh, doesn't it?" I said, and, sitting down, I wrote a few lines rapidly +and handed her the draft for approval. She approved. + +And that is why, if you look at _The Times'_ "Domestic Situations" column +to-morrow, you may see the following announcement:-- + +HOUSE-PARLOURMAID WANTED, helpless couple, where gramophone kept; state +whether Hampstead, Chiswick or Shepherd's Bush preferred. + +EVOE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ANOTHER TURKISH CONCESSION. + +TURKEY (_anxious to save the Peace Conference from embarrassment_). +"EUROPE! WITH ALL THY FAULTS I LOVE THEE STILL. IF THOU INSISTEST, I AM +PREPARED TO STAY WITH THEE, BAG AND BAGGAGE."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "OH, YES, MADAM, BRITANNIA WILL SUIT YOU ADMIRABLY. AND WHAT +ABOUT THE GENTLEMAN?" + +"OH, HE'S GOING IN HIS DINNER-JACKET, REPRESENTING ONE OF THE SMALLER +NATIONS."] + + * * * * * + +OUR INVINCIBLE NAVY. + +ORDEAL BY WATER. + +When the innermost recesses of the Admiralty archives yield their secrets +to the historian there will be some strange and stirring events to relate. +But however diligently the chroniclers may search amongst the accumulated +records at Whitehall there will still remain one outstanding performance, +one shining example of courage and endurance of which no trace can there be +found; for it was never officially known how Reginald McTaggart upheld the +honour of the White Ensign in the Gulf of Lyons. + +Reginald does not in the ordinary way suffer from excess of modesty; indeed +he has been known to hint that on more than one occasion it was primarily +due to his efforts that the world was eventually made safe for democracy; +but of this his greatest exploit he will never speak without pressure, and +even then but diffidently. + +When WILLIAM HOHENZOLLERN first cried "Havoc" and let slip the Prussian +Guard, Reginald was among the most unsophisticated of landsmen. He had +never in his life so much as heard a bo'sun's pipe and could scarcely +distinguish a battleship from a bathing-machine. But the blood of a +maritime ancestry ran hot in his veins, and, being too highly educated to +get on in the Army, he placed himself at the disposal of the Senior +Service, which embraced him gladly. Henceforth his career was one of +unbroken triumph. + +Having taken a First in Mechanical Sciences at Cambridge, Reginald was at +once detailed off for deck-swabbing on a Portsmouth depot ship; but one day +an enterprising Rear-Admiral of the younger school, noting his scientific +manner of manipulating a squeegee, had him sent before the Flag Captain, +who, on learning his antecedents, recommended the blushing Reginald for the +post of batman to the Senior Wireless Officer. Here his talents showed to +such advantage that in a little over a year he received a commission as +technical officer, and was placed in charge of an experimental Torpedo +School, well away from the storms and tempests that vexed his less gifted +brothers. + +It were tedious to relate Reginald's adventures during the next two +years--how time and again he baffled the cunning devices of the German +naval scientists--how he invented a pivotal billiard-table for use on +drifters in rough weather and perfected an electro-magnetic contrivance by +means of which enemy submarines were inveigled into torpedoing themselves +without warning. All this and much else is accessible to the formal +historian; besides, Reginald tells people himself. We will hurry on to the +grand exploit. + +It occurred shortly after he was appointed to a post on the British Naval +Mission at Athens. He had left England little more than a month when the +Sea Lords became uneasy. Trouble broke out among the torpedoes and there +was no one to set matters right. Paragraphs began to appear in the Press. +The result was an urgent wireless message to Athens recalling Reginald at +once. There was to be no delay. + +"Are you prepared to start immediately?" asked the Vice-Admiral, when he +had briefly outlined the situation. + +Reginald saluted briskly. + +"I don't quite know how you'll go," continued the Vice-Admiral. "We haven't +an armed ship sailing West for a week. There's a little Greek trading +steamer leaving for Marseilles to-morrow morning, but I'm afraid you would +find her very incommodious. Would you care to risk it?" + +"I start in the morning, Sir," said Reginald tersely. + +The Vice-Admiral seized his hand and wrung it warmly. + +When Reginald came down to the harbour and saw the craft on which he had +undertaken to embark he was seized with a sudden faintness. Even the +toughest seafarer would have thought twice before venturing beyond the +breakwater in such an unsavoury derelict; and Reginald, be it remembered, +had only once in his life made a sea voyage, and that in the peaceful +security of an ironclad. His heart quailed beneath his Commander's uniform. + +However, setting his teeth and consoling himself with the thought that she +would undoubtedly fall to pieces before they could leave the harbour +behind, he went aboard. + +The master, an unprepossessing but exceedingly polite child of the AEgean, +was overwhelmed at the prospect of carrying a British Naval Commander as +passenger. He saluted wildly; he gesticulated; it was too much honour. +Would his Excellency the Commander accept the use of his poor state-room-- +yes? Would he undertake the navigation of this so dangerous voyage--no? Ah, +but he would seek his so expert advice in the sudden perilous moment--good. +Reginald bowed nervously. + +At first all went well. Except for the atmosphere of the state-room, which +was richly tinged with a mixed odour of mildewed figs and rotten +pomegranates, and the uncomfortable feeling that, unless he trod +delicately, the decks would crumble away and deposit him in the bosom of +the Mediterranean, Reginald was fairly happy. A ready wit and a dignified +bearing combined to cloak his lack of seamanship and kept the skipper in a +fit state of humility and awe. + +But in the Gulf of Lyons a breeze sprang up. It was quite a gentle breeze +at first, and Reginald found it rather stimulating. Towards evening, +however, it freshened, and the ship began to stagger. Reginald became +conscious of those disquieting symptoms common to landsmen in such case. +Fearful for his reputation he crept below to suffer in solitude. + +By midnight it was blowing a gale, and Reginald had lost interest in life. +He was thinking mournfully of the vanity of all human desires when a +message was brought from the captain. They were about to perish. Would his +Excellency the Commander come up to the bridge and save them, please? + +It was a painful predicament, and Reginald was justly horrified. Could he +venture out and display the weakness of the British Navy in the face of a +crew of unwashed Greek matelots? On the other hand, could he skulk in his +cabin and allow the Master to doubt his courage and resource? He rose and +lurched unsteadily on deck. + +The Captain was distinctly excited. Destruction was imminent. He had +appealed to the Saints without avail. Would the British Commander come to +their assistance? What did his Excellency think of it? + +Reginald thought it was perfectly horrible. He had never thought such a +ghastly scene possible. The ship appeared on the point of turning turtle +and he was soaked to the skin already. Then, realizing that he could not +remain on the bridge another minute without internal disaster, he made a +supreme effort. + +"My dear skipper," he howled at the top of his voice, "you surely don't +call this a storm? The merest breeze, I assure you. I really can't be +disturbed for such a trifle. If it begins to blow at all during the night +let me know and I'll come up and take the matter in hand;" and without +waiting for a reply he scrambled down from the bridge and made a dash for +the seclusion of the state-room. + +Next morning they were rolling in the swell off Marseilles, with the +prestige of the British Navy, if possible, higher than ever. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: POLICE CONSTABLE (DEMOBILISED OFFICER) MEETS AN OLD FRIEND +FROM FRANCE.] + + * * * * * + + "The Lord Mayor of Dublin has placed a room in the City Hall at the + disposal of the Labour party for the reception of reputations."--_Irish + Paper_. + +A kindly thought. Reputations are so easily lost in Ireland. + + * * * * * + +JAZZERWOCKY. + +(_With apologies to LEWIS CARROLL._) + + 'Twas grillig, and the Jazzlewags + Did glomp and scrimble o'er the board; + All gladsome were their dazzlerags, + And the loud Nigs uproared. + + "Beware the Tickle Trot, my son, + The feet that twink, the hands that clug; + Beware the Shimmy Shake and shun + The thrustful Bunny Hug." + + He put his pumpsious shoon on foot, + He bent his knees to slithe and sprawl, + Till, fagged and flausted by disdoot, + He brooded by the wall. + + And, as in broody ease he lay, + The Jazzerwock, with shoulders bare, + Came swhiffling through the juggly fray + And grapped him by the hair. + + One, two! One, two! And through and through + The prancing maze they reeled and pressed, + Till both his feet ignored the beat + And woggled with the best. + + "And hast thou learnt at last to jazz? + Come take my arm, my clomplish boy;" + O hectic day! Cheero! Cheeray! + He chwinckled in his joy. + + 'Twas grillig, and the Jazzlewags + Did glomp and scrimble o'er the board; + All gladsome were their dazzlerags, + And the loud Nigs uproared. + + * * * * * + +A PAINFUL SUBJECT. + +I do not love dentists. In this antipathy I am not unique, I fancy. One +never sees photographs of family dentists standing on mantelpieces heavily +framed in silver; and, though _The Forceps_ presents a coloured supplement +depicting a prominent ivory-hunter with every Christmas number, there is, I +am told, no violent demand for it outside the Profession. + +This is not to be wondered at. A man who spends his life climbing into +people's mouths and playing "The Anvil Chorus" on their molars with a +monkey-wrench, who says, "Now this won't hurt you in the least," and then +deals one a smart rap on a nerve with a pickaxe--such a man cannot expect +to be popular. He must console himself with his fees. + +I do not love dentists, I repeat, but I am also not infatuated with +toothache. It is not that I am a coward. Far from it. Arterial sclerosis, +glycosuria, follicular tonsillitis and, above all, sleeping sickness I can +bear with fortitude--that is, I feel sure I could--but toothache, no! I am +not ashamed of it. Every brave man has at least one weakness. Lord +ROBERTS'S was cats. Achilles' was tendons. Mine is toothache (Biographers, +please note). When my jaw annoys me I try to propitiate it with libations +of whisky, brandy, iodine, horse-blister and patent panaceas I buy from +sombreroed magicians in the Strand. If these fail I totter round to the +dentist, ring the bell and run away. If the maid catches me before I can +escape and turns me into the waiting-room I examine the stuffed birds and +photographs of Brighton Pier until she has departed, then slither quietly +down the banisters, open the street door and gallop. If I am pushed +directly into the _abattoir_ I shake the dentist warmly by the hand, ask +after his wife and children, his grandfather and great-aunt, and tell him I +have only dropped in to tune the piano. If that is no good I try to make an +appointment for an afternoon this year, next year, some time, never. If +that too is useless and he insists on putting me through it there and then, +I take every anodyne he's got--cocaine, morphia, chloroform, ether, gas, +also a couple of anaesthetists to hold my hand when I go off and kiss me +when I come round again. + +One of my chief objections to dentists is that they will never listen to +reason; explanations are quite thrown away on them. They only let you talk +at all in order to get your face open, and then into it they plunge their +powerful antiseptic-tasting hands and you lose something. I never go near a +dentist without paying the extreme penalty. (None of those cunning little +gold-tipped caps or reinforced concrete suspension-bridges for me. Out it +comes. Blood and iron every time). I admit they frequently appease my +anguish. Almost invariably among the teeth of which they relieve me at each +sitting is included the offending one. But still I maintain my right to +have a say in my own afflictions. The doctors let one. I've got a physician +who lets me have any disease I fancy (except German measles and Asiatic +cholera; for patriotic reasons he won't hear a good word spoken for either +of them; says we've got just as good diseases of our own. Damned +insularity!). + +If I send for this doctor he comes along, sits quietly beside my bed, +eating my grapes, while I tell him where the pain isn't. The recital over +he hands me a selection of ailments to pick from. I choose one. He tells me +what the symptoms are, drinks my invalid port, creeps downstairs and breaks +the news to the hushed and awe-stricken family. A chap like that makes +suffering a pleasure and is a great comfort in a home like mine, where a +sick bed is the only sort you are allowed to lie in after 10 A.M. Without +the fellow's ready sympathy I doubt if I should secure any sleep at all. +One gets no assistance of that kind from dentists, although they give you +more pain in ten seconds than a doctor does in ten years. + +No dentist ever sees me home after the slaughter, orders me a diet of +chicken breast, _peche Melba_ and champagne, or warns my family that I am +on no account to be disturbed until lunch. No, they jerk your jaw off its +hinges and dump your remains on the doorstep for the L.C.C. rubbish cart to +collect. + +Another thing: dentists should not be allowed out loose about the streets. +They exercise a blighting influence. You are strolling along in the +sunshine, head high, chest expanded, telling some wide-eyed young thing +what you and HAIG did to LUDENDORFF, when suddenly you meet the dentist. +You look at him, he looks at you, and his eyes seem to say, "What ho, my +hero! Last week you went to ground under my sofa and couldn't be dislodged +until I put the page-boy in to ferret you." + +"And what happened then," inquires the wide-eyed young thing, "after you +had caught the Hun tank by the tail and ripped it up with a tin-opener?" + +"After that," says the eye of the dentist, "you wept, you prayed, you lay +on the floor and kicked, you--" + +"And did you kill all the crew yourself?" bleats the maiden, "single-handed +--every one of them?" + +"Oh, I--er," you stutter--"what I mean to say--that is--Oh, dash it, let's +go and get tea somewhere, what?" + +PATLANDER. + + * * * * * + +From the _dramatis personae_ in a Malta opera-programme:-- + + "Singers, Old Beans, and Abbes." + +The "old beans" no doubt were drawn from the local garrison. + + * * * * * + + "The old wooden streets which survived in the more ancient parts of the + capital [Petrograd] have, on account of the lack of fuel since the + Bolshevists became all-powerful, been torn down and demobilished."-- + _Daily Paper_. + +The last word in destructiveness. + + * * * * * + + "The standing joint committee of the Industrial Women's Organisations + have passed a resolution unanimously endorsing the action of the + Consumers' Council in opposing the decontrol of meat."--_Daily + Graphic_. + +The "standing joint" committee would seem to be the very one for the job. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MANNERS AND MODES. + +HOW TO APPEAR BEAUTIFUL THOUGH PLAIN:--SURROUND YOURSELF WITH SPECIMENS OF +THE LATEST ART.] + + * * * * * + + DRESS OF THE DAY. + + "BATHROOM TOILETTES. + + "This season balls and dances, both private and public, are being given + in greater numbers than ever."--_Local Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "A couple of ciphers, followed by a string of noughts, represents + Germany's debt to France. And it looks as if the noughts are all France + will get in the present generation."--_Evening Paper._ + +But it is possible that under pressure Germany might throw in the ciphers +as well. + + * * * * * + +"LOST AND FOUND. + +"ADDRESS BY THE LORD ADVOCATE. + + "Will the party who took the wrong Umbrella from the Ante-Room, Music + Hall, kindly return same in exchange for his own to ----, Music Hall?" + --_Scotch Paper._ + +An odd address for the LORD ADVOCATE. + + * * * * * + + "Wells' 'History of the Universe' describes the slow disappearance of + certain species, taking hundreds of thousands of years to do it."-- + _Daily Paper_. + +In an age of hustle it is gratifying to find one eminent author approaching +his work with due deliberation. + + * * * * * + + THE PROFITEER'S ANTHEM. + + "The Hymns to be sung will be: (1) 'All people that on earth do + well.'..."--_Rangoon Times._ + + * * * * * + +From _Surplus_, the official organ of the Disposal Board:-- + +"PORK AND BEANS. + + "16 oz. tins (15 ozs. Beans and Sauce, 1 oz. Pork); 21 oz. tins (20 ozs. + Beans and Sauce, 1 oz. Pork)." + +So the question which vexed many billets on the Western Front is now +answered. There _was_ pork in it. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BEHIND THE SCENES IN CINEMA-LAND. + +"YOU'RE IN LUCK, MY BOY. THEY'VE IMPORTED A GENUINE MEXICAN BANDIT FOR YOUR +KNIFE-FIGHT SCENE IN 'BAD HAT, THE HALF-BREED.'"] + + * * * * * + +MY FIRE. + +"Seventy-five per cent. of the world's accidents arise from gross +carelessness!" I thundered at Suzanne, who for the fifteenth time in five +years of matrimony had left her umbrella in the 'bus. Being on a month's +leave, and afraid of losing by neglect the orderly-room touch, I thought +fit to practise on her the arts of admonition. Admonishing, I wagged at her +the match with which I was in the act of lighting my pipe. Wagging the +match, I did not notice the live head drop off on to the khaki slacks which +I had donned that afternoon to grace a visit to the War Office. Only when I +traced Suzanne's petrified stare to its target did I discover that a +ventilation hole had been created in a vital part of His Majesty's uniform. + +With great presence of mind I put out the conflagration before venturing on +an encounter with Suzanne's eye. + +"You were discussing accidents," she observed sweetly. "What percentage of +them did you say was due to gross carelessness?" + +I did not bandy words. There was no escaping the fact that they were, as +Suzanne reminded me, my sole surviving pair of khaki slacks, and that I +should certainly have to get a new pair before returning to the Depot; for +these were obviously beyond wear or repair. + +"Well, anyhow I've three weeks to get them in," I said as lightly as I +could. "My leave isn't up till the end of the month." + +"Men's clothes are terribly dear just now," remarked Suzanne pensively. +"And I _was_ going to ask you to give me a new hat. But now I suppose--" + +This roused my pride and self-respect. + +"Suzanne," I said, "the world is not coming to an end because I have to buy +a pair of slacks. You shall have your new hat to-morrow." + +She clapped her hands in triumph, and a moment's reflection showed me that +I had been caught. If it hadn't been for the conflagration she would never +have dared to ask for a new hat. Now I came to remember, I had taken her +out and bought her one on the first day of my leave. + +However, the damage was done (twice over, in fact), and I sat gently +brooding over it in silence. Suddenly an inspiring thought struck me. +Eagerly I made my way to the writing-table and drew out a long and bulky +envelope from the bottom drawer. For some time I sat there carefully +mastering its contents. + +"What's that funny-looking thing you're reading?" asked my wife at last. + +"Oh, nothing important," I answered as casually as I could. "Er--by the +way, do you know we're insured?" + +"Considering that I've paid the premiums regularly while you were away, I +should think I ought to know." + +"Of course I shall put in a claim for the slacks," I murmured. + +"But how can you?" she asked, and wondering looked at me. "I read the +policy once, and as far as I remember there's nothing whatever about khaki +slacks in it." + +"Do you know what this policy is?" I exclaimed, brandishing the document +impressively. "It's a Comprehensive Householder's policy. I don't know what +a Comprehensive Householder is, but I think I must be one." + +"But I'm _sure_ it says nothing about slacks," she objected. + +"Comprehensive!" I shouted. "That means all-embracing. This policy embraces +my slacks." + +"That sounds almost indelicate." + +"Listen. 'Whereas the undermentioned, hereinafter called the Accused--the +Assured, I mean--has paid blank pounds, shillings and pence Premium or +Consideration ... to insure him/her from loss or damage by Lightning, +Explosion, Earthquake, Thunderbolts ...'" + +"Oo-er," said Suzanne with a shiver. + +"'... Aeroplanes, Airships, and/or other Aerial Craft, Storm, Tempest, +Subterranean Fire ...'" + +"Monsoon, Typhoon, Volcano, Avalanche," put in Suzanne impatiently. "Cut +the cataclysms and come to the slacks." + +"I'm just coming to them. '... Burglary, Housebreaking, Theft and/or +Larceny'--now hold your breath, for we're getting there--'Conflagration +and/or Fire....'" I paused to let it sink in. "The fact is," I continued +weightily, "we've had a Fire." + +"Have we? But I wasn't dressed for it. I should have worn a mauve +_peignoir_, and been carried down to safety by a blond fireman. To have a +fire without a fire-engine is like being married at a registry-office. Next +time--" + +"Nevertheless, we've had a Fire, within the meaning of the policy. Now I'm +going to write a letter to the Insurance Company." + +And I did so to the following effect:-- + + "77, _The Supermansions_, + _S.W._ + +"DEAR SIRS,--I regret to inform you that a fire took place at/in the above +demesne and/or flat after tea to-day and damaged one (1) pair of khaki +slacks/trousers so as to render them unfit for further use. I shall +therefore be glad to receive from you the sum of two guineas, the original +cost price of the damaged article of apparel. + +"Yours, etc." + +Next day I took Suzanne out to buy the new hat. This done, we went on to my +tailor's to replace the ill-starred slacks. A casual inquiry as to price +elicited the statement that it would be four guineas. I cut short a +rambling discourse, in which the tailor sought to saddle various remote +agencies with the responsibility for the increase, and stamped out of the +establishment with the blasphemous vow that I'd get a pair ready-made at +the Stores. + +That evening I received a reply from the Insurance people:-- + +"In all communications please quote Ref. No. 73856/SP/QR. + +"SIR,--We note your claim for garments injured by an outbreak of fire at +your residence. We await the reports of the Fire Brigade and Salvage Corps, +on receipt of which we will again communicate with you. Meanwhile, will you +kindly inform us what other damage was done? + +"We are, yours, etc." + +I at once wrote back to remove their misapprehension:-- + +"DEAR SIRS,--My fire was not what you would call an outbreak. It was +essentially a quiet affair, attended by neither Fire Brigade nor Salvage +Corps, but just the family (like being married at a registry-office, don't +you think?). My khaki slacks were the only articles injured. As I am now +going about without them, you will realise that no time should be lost in +settling the claim. + +"Yours, etc. + +"P.S. I nearly forgot--73856/RS/VP. There!" + +A day or two later I received a request, pitched in an almost slanderously +sceptical tone, for more detailed information. I humoured them, and there +ensued a ding-dong correspondence, in which that wretched Ref. No. was +bandied backwards and forwards with nauseating reiteration, and of which +the following are the salient points:-- + +_They._ Kindly state what you estimate the total value of the contents of +your residence to be. + +_Myself_ (_after a searching inquiry into present prices_). L1,500. + +_They_ (_promptly_). We beg to point out that you are only insured for a +total sum of L750. In accordance with the terms of your policy you are only +entitled to recover such proportion of the value of the loss or damage as +the total insured bears towards the total value of the contents--_i.e._, +one-half. + +_Myself._ Two guineas is exactly one-half of four guineas, the present cost +of slacks. Please see attached affidavit from tailor. (By a masterly stroke +I had actually induced the rascal to set out his iniquity in black and +white.) + +At last, twenty days after the fire, when I had finally screwed myself up +to the point of going out to buy a pair of reach-me-downs, I was rewarded +by receiving a cheque for two guineas from the Insurance Company, "in full +settlement." + +By the same post I received a letter from the Adjutant of my Depot +informing me that I was not to return at the expiration of my leave, but by +War Office instructions (I will spare you the Ref. No.) was to proceed +instead to the Crystal Palace for immediate demobilization. (That, by the +way, is part of the game of being a volunteer for the Army of Occupation.) +It was Suzanne who brought the two letters into their proper correlation. + +"You won't have to get a new pair of slacks now," she said. + +"Bless my soul, no!" I exclaimed. "Then what ought I to do with this +cheque? Send it back?" + +"Certainly not," cried Suzanne as she snatched it from my wavering hand. +"I've been wanting a new hat for some time." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ANOTHER COMBINE. + +_Bystander._ "'OW YER GOIN', MATE?" + +_Gutter Merchant._ "FINE! I'VE JUST AMALGAMATED WITH THE BUSINESS NEXT +DOOR."] + + * * * * * + +"FRENZIED FINANCE." + + "The guardians want more money also. What the Treasury finan-local + taxations are _only the be_-lical taxations are _only the beginning_ of + the demand upon the citizen's pocket."--_Evening Paper._ + + * * * * * + +"JUMPER CHAMPION. + + "The reference to a young woman living at Esher, Surrey, who has + knitted 50 jumpers since August 20, which her friends claim to be a + world's record for an amateur, has resulted in a challenge. + + "'Jumper,' who lives at Margate, writes: 'I find it quite easy to knit + in the dark and to read while knitting.'"--_Daily Paper_. + +The Margate candidate will get our vote. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SERVANTS' BALL. + +_Groom_ (_somewhat heated_). "CARE FOR A BREATHER, MY LADY?"] + + * * * * * + +MY SALES DAY. + +7.0 to 8.30. Rise, breakfast, and make out shopping-list. I put down:-- + + Waterproof for Henry. + School-frock and boots for the Kid. + Replenish household linen. + +9.0. Arrive at large emporium just as the doors open. Ask to be directed to +gentleman's mackintoshes. Pause on the way to look at evening wraps marked +down from five guineas to 98/11. It seems a sweeping reduction, but I do +not require an evening wrap. + +9.10 to 10.15. Try on evening wraps. Select a perfectly sweet _Rose du +Barri_ duvetyn lined _gris fonce_. + +10.15. Continuing to head for mackintoshes. The course runs past a job-line +in silk hosiery. Remember I ought to get stockings to go with the evening +wrap. + +10.15 to 11.5. Match stockings. + +11.15. Arrive at gentlemen's mackintoshes. Find they are not being reduced +in the sale. Observe however that some handsome silk shirts with broad +stripes are marked half-price; get three for Henry, also a fancy waistcoat +at 6/11-3/4 (was 25/-), only slightly soiled down front. + +11.40. Ask for Children's Department. Take wrong turning and arrive at +millinery. + +11.40 to 1.10. Try on hats. Decide on a ducky little toque and a +fascinating river hat (for next summer). + +1.10 to 1.30. Still asking for Children's Department. When it is finally +given to me I am told that useful school-frocks have all been sold. + +1.30 to 6.30. Drift to Shoe Department; secure a pair of pink satin +slippers--rather tight, but amazingly cheap. Swept by crowd into "Fancy +Goods"; make several purchases. Get taken in a crush to "Evening +Accessories"; am persuaded to buy. + +6.35. Leave emporium. It is raining heavily. + +7.15. Arrive home wet and exhausted. Have an argument, conducted affably on +my side, with Henry, who flatly refuses to wear the half-price striped +shirts or pay for the only-slightly-soiled waistcoat. He makes pointed +remarks about the bad weather, with cynical reference to mackintoshes. Am +struck afresh by the selfishness of men. + +7.45. Remember that I have forgotten household linen and Kid's boots, but +determine not to let this spoil my good temper. + +8.0. Dine alone with Henry. Do my best to show a forgiving spirit in face +of his egoism. So to bed, conscious of a day well spent. + + * * * * * + +OUR DAY OF UNREST. + + ["The great demand of the moment is something fresh to do on Sunday."] + --_Evening Paper._ + + At the ample shrine of pleasure + You have worshipped well and long + On this day of so-called leisure, + Yet you feel there's something wrong. + + _Blase_ is your air and jaded; + Sabbath hours have lost their zest; + Utter ennui has invaded + Every corner of your chest. + + Sport is shorn of all its glamour; + Motoring proves no more a lure; + So you come to me and clamour + For a speedy psychic cure. + + Well, my friend, if fresh sensation + Is the object of your search, + And you want a consultation, + My advice is, Go to church. + + * * * * * + +BOLSHEVISM IN THE CIVIL SERVICE. + + "Whitley Councils are the latest development in Government offices in + Whitehall. What is aimed at is a system of promotion free and + uninterrupted from top to bottom." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE HEIR PRESUMPTIVE. + +_Labour._ "PERHAPS IT'S A SIZE TOO BIG FOR ME AT PRESENT." + +_Coalition._ "GLAD YOU FEEL LIKE THAT, AS I HAVEN'T QUITE FINISHED WITH +IT."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Soulful Party._ "AH, YES, THE WORLD IS ALWAYS SO--WE NEVER +STREW FLOWERS ON A MAN'S GRAVE UNTIL AFTER HE IS DEAD."] + + * * * * * + +THE CANDOUR OF KEYNES. + +(_Suggested by the perusal of "The Economic Consequences of the Peace."_) + + There was a superior young person named KEYNES + Who possessed an extensive equipment of brains, + And, being elected a Fellow of King's, + He taught Economics and similar things. + + On the outbreak of war he at once made his mark + As a "tempy," but Principal, Treasury Clerk, + And the Permanent Staff and the CHANCELLOR too + Pronounced him a flier and well worth his screw. + + So he went to the Conference, not as a mute, + To act as the CHANCELLOR'S chief substitute, + And in this extremely responsible post + He mingled with those who were ruling the roast. + + The Big and redoubtable Three, 'tis confessed, + By his talent and zeal were immensely impressed; + But, conversely, the fact, which is painful, remains + That they failed to impress the redoubtable KEYNES. + + So, after five months of progressive disgust, + He shook from his feet the Parisian dust, + Determined to give the chief Delegates beans + And let the plain person behind the Peace scenes. + + Though his title is stodgy, yet all must admit + That his pages are seasoned with plenty of wit; + He's alert as a cat-fish; he can't be ignored; + And throughout his recital we never are bored. + + For he's not a mere slinger of partisan ink, + But a thinker who gives us profoundly to think; + And his arguments cannot be lightly dismissed + With cries of "Pro-Hun" or of "Pacificist." + + And yet there are faults to be found all the same; + For example, I doubt if it's playing the game + For one who is hardly unmuzzled to guy + Representative statesmen who cannot reply. + + And while we're amused by his caustic dispraise + Of President WILSON'S Chadbandian ways, + Of the cynical TIGER, laconic and grim, + And our versatile PREMIER, so supple and slim-- + + Still we feel, as he zealously damns the Allies + For grudging the Germans the means to arise, + That possibly some of the Ultimate Things + May even be hidden from Fellows of King's. + + * * * * * + + "The ---- Male Voice Choir and St. ----'s Brass Band discorded Xmas + music."--_Local Paper._ + +We shouldn't wonder. + + * * * * * + + "Another element in the industrial activity of Japan, which is brought + forcibly home to the Westerner, is the obvious pleasure that the + Japanese people take in doing the work which is allotted to them. It is + no uncommon sight to see men laughing merrily as they drag along their + heavy merchandise, or singing as they swing their anvils in a manner + almost reminiscent of the historic village blacksmith."--_Provincial + Paper._ + +And "children coming home from school" know better than to "look in at the +open door." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "GRANDFATHER, I SIMPLY LOVE YOUR NICE LONG BEARD. PROMISE ME +YOU'LL NEVER HAVE IT BOBBED."] + + * * * * * + +THE EGOIST. + +On Monday morning Hereward Vale left home in an unsettled state of mind. +That was putting it mildly. He was thoroughly unhappy. Something was up--he +couldn't tell what--or whether it was his own fault or Mary's. Anyhow, it +didn't seem to matter whose fault it was. The thing had happened. That was +the one overwhelming idea that concerned him. The first shadow had fallen; +their record of complete and perfect happiness was broken. + +The road to the station was a long and particularly beautiful one. Hereward +had always appreciated every inch of it. But to-day he hated it. He hated +the way the yew-trees drooped, the leafless branches of the hazels, the +faded, crumpled blackberry, the scattered decaying leaves. It was really a +remarkable day for November--clear and frosty, with a bright blue sky and +scudding white clouds. A strong north-east wind tested one's vitality. +Hereward's was low. He buttoned his collar and hurried on. + +Mary had never treated him quite like this before. She had always been +tender, sympathetic and understanding with his moods. True, he was trying; +but she had known that before she married him. He was an artist, and an +artist's work, he argued, depended largely on the state of his emotions. He +earned the family bread by the labour of his hands and his hand was the +servant of his mind, and his mind a tempest of moods. Mary had applied +herself to her task with creditable skill. She could always turn his +sullenness to a sort of creative melancholy of which he was rather proud; +his restlessness to energy and his discontent to something like +constructive thinking. How she achieved the miracle he did not know, nor +did he inquire. But he was guided by her as a child by its mother, still +constantly rebelling. + +But to-day the machinery had broken down. Mary had been cool, pleasant and +crisply unemotional at breakfast-time. He had woken up cross and with a +headache. He had a muddled feeling and wanted sorting out. But Mary seemed +quite unaware of it. She had a preoccupied manner; she went about just too +cheerfully, chatting just too pleasantly about trivial things. It was +mechanical, Hereward decided, and, anyway, it wasn't at all what he wanted. +His monosyllabic responses were accepted as perfectly right and natural, +when they were nothing of the sort. She did not get up and pass her hand +lovingly and soothingly over his hair and say things appropriate to his +state of mind. She went on with her breakfast and looked after him kindly +enough, but without solicitude. + +For instance, she made no comment on the fact that he had hardly touched +his bacon; she merely removed his plate and gave him marmalade and toast as +if he had left no bacon at all. She didn't even notice the lines of +suffering on his face, the dark circles under his eyes. He cast a glance in +the mirror when her back was turned to see if they were obvious. They were. +Why wasn't Mary catching his hump? She always did. + +When finally he left the house, a little bent, with no spring in his step, +Mary didn't accompany him to the door. She didn't exchange with him one of +those rapid looks of complete understanding that he had grown so accustomed +to and found so sustaining and helpful. She kissed him firmly and coolly, +almost casually. Just so she might kiss an aunt. + +The train journey was cold and lonely. Nobody he knew was travelling up to +town. He bought a daily paper, but the headlines put him off. They were +nearly all about divorce cases. There was one about a man who had lived for +three years in the same house with his wife without speaking to her. Such +things were possible! He gazed out of the window. The wonderful day had no +charm for him. The feeling of autumn only further increased his sense of +the loss of youth, of the decay of romance. He nursed and nourished his +grievance. He desired that Mary should know what a wreck she had made of +his day, possibly of his life. + +He was in no mood for work. He went up to his studio in Fitzroy Square and +muddled about with pens and ink. He had what he called a good tidy up, and +firmly and consistently threw away every relic of sentiment he had +foolishly preserved. At one o'clock, through habit and not because he was +hungry, he went out and had a lonely lunch at a small restaurant, sitting +at a marble-topped table which imparted to him something of its chill. +After that he loafed about looking at things till dusk. Dusk was quite +unbearable. He fled back to the studio, made up a stupendous fire, lit a +pipe and mused. + +He decided not to go home that night. He felt hurt and ill-used. He would +stay in town and have a thoroughly good time. As the idea struck him he +looked round the studio. The corners were dismal and shadowy. Everything +not in the immediate circle of the fire looked grey and cheerless. His +easel, with a bit of drapery thrown across it, was like a spectre with +outstretched arms. It suggested despair. He could think of no one whom he +wanted to see. There wasn't a soul he knew whom he would not in this crisis +deliberately have avoided. + +So he went to the Russian Ballet and was bored. He had been excited about +_Cleopatra_ the first time he had seen it; he now decided that it was a +great mistake to try to repeat emotional experiences. + +He left hurriedly before the programme was half over. His feet took him +mechanically to Waterloo Station. He looked up a train. The 9.30 was due +out; he sprinted and caught it. The carriage he managed to get into was +empty and warm. He slept; he slept all the way, and it did him good. + +When he arrived at the other end the night was calm and the sky +star-spangled. The walk out exhilarated him; his exasperation was over. +He ran lightly down the leaf-strewn steps of the old garden and looked in +at the window. Mary was seated at the fire. She looked pensive, pretty +and a little sad. He whistled and she smiled up. "Hooray!" she said, "I'd +nearly given you up." She slipped round and had the door open before he +could get out his key and drew him in. She helped him off with his coat +and scanned his face with even more than her usual intentness and +interest. But she didn't ask him why he was late and he didn't tell her. +He thought that could wait. + +Their extemporised supper was a great success, and they sat before the wood +fire far into the night. + +"What was up this morning?" he finally asked. "You weren't quite yourself, +were you?" + +"This morning?" she questioned, puzzled. "Oh, I remember. I woke with a +splitting headache. Did you notice it? You nice old thing!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Musician_ (_having bumped lady with 'cello_). "OH, I _AM_ +SO SORRY." + +_Lady._ "DON'T MENTION IT. I'M PASSIONATELY FOND OF MUSIC."] + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"MR. PIM PASSES BY." + + "The year's at the spring + And day's at the morn... + God's in His heaven-- + All's right with the world!" + +When _Pippa_ "passed," singing songs like that and preoccupied with the +splendid fact of her one day's holiday, she unconsciously brought about a +change for the better in the heart or conscience of all who overheard her. +It was not so with the passing of _Mr. Pim_. Prior to his intrusion, there +had been nothing to disturb the well-ordered existence of _Geo. Marden, +Esq., J.P.,_ and his wife (late Mrs. Tellworthy), except that they did not +see eye to eye on the small question of his niece's early engagement to a +young artist and on the still smaller question of futuristic curtains. Then +came _Mr. Garraway Pim_, a doddering old gentleman, with a thin falsetto +voice and a loosish memory, but otherwise harmless. He arrives with an +introduction from Australia and casually lets fall a tale of a +fellow-passenger with the unusual name of Tellworthy, from which--and +other incidental evidence--_Mrs. Marden_ gathers that her first husband +(an ex-convict) is still alive. Having dropped this thunderbolt he drifts +off, leaving tragedy in his wake. End of Act I. + +_Marden_, highly conscientious, takes the orthodox view that his lawless +marriage must be nullified. His wife, though horrified at the resurrection +of her impossible first husband, permits herself to recognise the +humorously ironic side of things. _Mr. Pim_, fortunately located in the +immediate neighbourhood, is sent for that he may throw further light on the +painful subject of Tellworthy's revival. He now reports--what he had +vaguely imagined himself to have mentioned in the first instance--that +Tellworthy had met his death at Marseilles through swallowing a +herring-bone. The Second Act closes with a burst of jubilant hysterics on +the part of _Mrs. Marden_. + +But the situation is only partially relieved. True, the old husband is dead +all right, but the _Mardens'_ marriage is still bigamous; they have been +living all this time in what would be regarded in the eyes of Heaven (and, +still worse, the county of Bucks) as sin. However, a trifling formality at +a registry-office can rectify this and nobody need be any the wiser. This +at least is _Marden's_ attitude, always free from any suspicion of +complexity. But his wife (if that is the word for her), being of a more +subtle nature, determines to make profit out of the situation. She points +out to him that she is at present the widow Tellworthy and that she must be +wooed all over again, and can only be won on her own terms. These include a +recognition of the niece's engagement (has not the young artist an equal +right with _Marden_ to a speedy marriage with the woman of his choice?) and +a concession to her taste in futuristic curtains. + +[Illustration: A DROPPER OF UNCONSIDERED TRIFLES. + +_Mr. Pim._ Mr. DION BOUCICAULT. + +_Mrs Marden._ Miss IRENE VANBRUGH.] + +At this juncture _Mr. Pim_ drifts in again to correct an error of memory. +The name of the gentleman who succumbed to the herring-bone was not +Tellworthy (he must have got that name into his head through hearing it +mentioned as that of _Mrs. Marden's_ first husband). It was really +Polwhistle--either Henry or Ernest Polwhistle; he was not quite sure which. +Everything is thus restored to the _status quo ante_, except that _Marden_, +in a spasm of generous reaction, feels himself morally bound to abide by +the new conditions that his wife had laid down. + +_Mr. Pim_ only passes by once more to announce his settled conviction that +_Polwhistle's_ Christian name was Ernest and not Henry. + +It will be seen that the play is original in design; but it is also a true +play of character revealed by circumstance. Further--and this is very +rare--it owes nothing to the adventitious aid of the costumier. For the +author's observation of the unities is extended to include the matter of +dress; he allows his people one costume each and no more. + +Miss IRENE VANBRUGH played as if every one of her words had been made +expressly for her, as, no doubt, they were. I have never seen her so +perfect in detail, in the poise of her head, in her least gesture and +intonation, in her swift changes of mood; never so quietly mistress of the +_finesse_ of her art. + +As _Marden_, Mr. BEN WEBSTER was a little restless in a part for which he +was not constitutionally suited, but played with the greatest courage and +sincerity. Mr. DION BOUCICAULT'S study of _Mr. Pim_ was extraordinarily +effective; and the way in which he made the attenuated pipings of this +futile old gentleman carry like the notes of a bell was in itself a +remarkable feat. + +These three were given great chances, full of colour. But in the part of +_Brian Strange_, the boy-lover, by its nature relatively colourless, Mr. +LESLIE HOWARD was hardly less good. He never made anything like a mistake +of manner. I wish I could say the same of his flapper. But Miss COHAN +asserted her good spirits a little too boisterously for the picture. + +I hope I shall not be suspected of partiality towards one of Mr. Punch's +young men if I say that this is the best of the good things that Mr. MILNE +has given us. As in his unacted play, _The Lucky One_, he gives evidence of +a desire, not unfrequent in humourists, to be taken seriously. But he knows +by now that brilliant dialogue is what is expected of him, and he thinks, +too modestly, that he cannot afford to dispense with it for long at a time. +The result is that, after stringing us up to face a tragic situation, he is +tempted to let us down with light-hearted cynicisms. He would hate me to +suggest that Mr. BERNARD SHAW has infected him, but perhaps he wouldn't +mind my hinting at the influence of Sir JAMES BARRIE. Certainly his +_Mardens_ remind me of the _Darlings_ in _Peter Pan_. Just as there we were +invited alternately to weep for the bereaved mother's sorrow and roar over +the bereaved father's buffooneries, so here, though not so disastrously, +our hearts are torn between sympathy for the husband's real troubles and +amusement at the wife's flippant attitude towards the common tragedy. + +I will not deny the sneaking pleasure which this flippancy gave me at the +time, but in the light of calmer reflection I feel that Mr. MILNE would +really have pleased himself better if he could have found the courage to +keep the play on a serious note all through the interval between _Mr. +Pim's_ first and second revelations. Apart from the higher question of +sincerity he would have gained something, in an artistic sense, by getting +a stronger contrast out of the change of situation that followed the +announcement of Tellworthy's demise. + +In the First Act we seemed to have a little too much of the young couple, +but this insistence was perhaps justified by the important part which their +affairs subsequently played (along with the _leit-motif_ of the futuristic +curtains) in the readjustment of the relations between husband and wife. + +If I have any flaw to find in a really charming play, I think it was a +mistake for _Mrs. Marden_ to let _Mr. Pim_ into the secret of her past. As +with the sweet influences of _Pippa_, so with the devastating havoc wrought +by the inexactitudes of _Mr. Pim_, I think he should have been left +unconscious of the effect of his passing. + +For the rest, + + Mr. MILNE'S at his best-- + All's right with the play! + +O.S. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: IT WAS UNFORTUNATE THAT BROWN HAD NOT FINISHED HIS +MASTERPIECE, "THE SURRENDER OF THE GARRISON," BY THE TIME THE WAR CAME TO +AN END.] + +[Illustration: HOWEVER, IT NEEDED VERY LITTLE ALTERATION TO MAKE IT +SALEABLE.] + + * * * * * + +EUPHONIOUS ALIENS. + +(_A successful chamber concert has been given by three players, styling +themselves "The Modern Trio," and named as under._) + + You may search through all Europe from Nenagh to Nish + For such a delightfully-named coalish + As that of MANNUCCI and MELZAK and KRISH. + + In MELZAK we note the Slavonic ambish; + MANNUCCI suggests an Italian dish, + And there's an exotic allurement in KRISH. + + Their combined _cantilena's_ as soothing as squish; + 'Twould have banished the madness of SAUL, son of KISH, + Had he listened to MELZAK, MANNUCCI and KRISH. + + Their music, I gather, is wholly delish, + But their names are the thing that I specially wish + To applaud in MANNUCCI and MELZAK and KRISH. + + * * * * * + +THE STRUGGLE FOR LIFE. + + "FOR SALE.--Entire household, $200 cash."--_American Paper_. + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER CRISIS. + +Whether it is due to war-weariness or not the fact remains that the British +public view with apparent apathy the new crises which arise day by day to +threaten their happiness and maybe to change the whole course of their +life. + +Only a few mornings ago we read in _The Daily Chronicle_ the following +momentous statement made by that newspaper's golf correspondent: "I'm told +that the thirty-one pennyweight ball is doomed." Doomed! Yet, so far as +could be observed in the demeanour of the pleasure-seekers in the Strand on +the afternoon of that same day, things might have been exactly as they were +the day before. + +We learn that the sub-committee investigating this matter of the thirty-one +pennyweight ball have consulted both the manufacturers and the +professionals. A ray of hope is given by the statement, made on good +authority, that "the manufacturers have adopted a very reasonable +attitude." The country should be grateful for this. But, on the other hand, +"the professionals want full freedom in the selection of balls." + +To foster a false optimism at this juncture would be criminal, and it may +as well be admitted at once that negotiations are proceeding with +difficulty. As we go to press we learn that a protracted meeting, lasting +from 2 P.M. until after midnight, has been held. The leader of the +manufacturers, on emerging from the conference hall, was seen to look pale +and exhausted. Pushing his way through the pressmen and photographers he +said, "Boys, for the moment we are bunkered; we must employ the niblick. +No, that is all I can tell you;" and he walked quickly away with his hand +to his brow and muttering words seldom heard off the course. + +Equally grave, the organising secretary of the professionals was even less +communicative, for he spoke in his native tongue, and the Scotsman among +the reporters who undertook to translate his remarks was unfortunately +unable to make himself understood. + +The PRIME MINISTER'S Private Secretary has issued to the Press a statement +that Mr. LLOYD GEORGE is keeping in close touch with Walton Heath and the +progress of events, but that at present no useful purpose would be served +by Government interference. + +_The Daily Chronicle_ correspondent also announces that representatives of +American golf are to visit St. Andrews in the Spring to discuss the +question. We trust their visit may not be too late. If the problem is one +that can be solved by dollars no doubt they will come well-equipped for +enforcing American opinion on the British public. We can only hope that +international relationships will not be strained by their deliberations; +let there be a spirit of toleration and a recognition of the rights of +small nations, and all may yet be well. + + * * * * * + +WHY THE SPARROW LIVES IN THE TOWN. + + In noisy towns, where traffic roars and rushes + And where the grimy streets are dark and narrow, + You never see the robins and the thrushes, + Nor hear their songs. Only the City sparrow + Chirps bravely and as cheerily as they, + Although his home is very far away. + + He chirps of lanes, of far-off country places + (This is the sparrows' story that I'm telling); + Long, long ago they lived in sweet wide spaces; + Their homes were in the hedges, gay, green-smelling; + The people, though, came citywards to dwell; + "Then we," the sparrows said, "must go as well. + + "Yes, we're the birds to go, for all our brothers + Would lose their songs in cities dark and crowdy; + Their hearts would break; but we're not like the others, + We cannot sing, our coats are drab and dowdy; + But we can chirp and chirp and chirp again; + The people shan't forget a country lane." + + And so they came, and in all city-weathers + They chirped a note of cheer to exiles weary; + And _still_ the sparrows chirp, for their brown feathers + Hide now, as then, brave kindly hearts and cheery, + Of lanes they've never seen nor lived among, + Of country lanes they sing, the same old song. + + * * * * * + + "SIR ALBERT'S ELEVATION.--'Up, Stanley, up!'--_Shakespeare_ (amended)." + --_Sunday Pictorial._ + +Great SCOTT (WALTER)! + + * * * * * + + "Very attractive was the interior of the ---- Hall, when the Misses + ---- entertained a large number of their friends at an enjoyable dance. + Everything was 'conteur de pose.'"--_Australian Paper._ + +It is very clear they weren't jazzing. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE POST-WAR SPORTSMAN MAKES THE ACQUAINTANCE OF THE +HUNTSMAN.] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +_The Romance of Madame Tussaud's_ (ODHAMS) strikes one, in these days of +universal reminiscence, almost as a _libre a faire_, certainly as a volume +that finds its welcome waiting for it. I suppose there are few unhappy +beings for whom the very name of that gifted lady does not revive something +of the nursery magic that is never quite forgotten. All of which means that +Mr. JOHN T. TUSSAUD, who has written, vivaciously and with obvious +pleasure, this history of the famous show, is (I hope) assured beforehand +of his sales. It is a fat record, taking the story from the earliest wax +profiles made by Dr. CURTIUS for the Parisian aristocracy in the days +before the Revolution; through the Terror, when his niece (afterwards +Madame TUSSAUD) was employed to model notable heads from the basket of the +guillotine, which was itself subsequently to figure amongst the attractions +of her collection, and finally bringing the enterprising artist and her +models to England and Baker Street, whence a comparatively recent move +established them (the foundress in effigy only) in their present palace. I +was especially interested to trace the evidence of close attention paid to +the show by Mr. Punch, and in particular to learn that the title Chamber of +Horrors was first invented by that observer; though the author falls into +an obvious chronological inexactitude in ascribing to these pages a cartoon +by CRUIKSHANK published "in November of Waterloo year." I have no space for +the many queer stories, chiefly of encounters between the quick and the +wax, with which the book abounds, nor for more than mention of its +admirable photographs, of which I should have liked many more. Altogether +it gives an unusual sidelight on the history of two Capitals; and +incidentally, if the reading of it puts others in the same resolve as +myself, an extra turn-stile will be needed in the Marylebone Road. + + * * * * * + +Mr. HARRY TIGHE is something of a problem to me. With the best will in the +world to appreciate what looked like unusual promise I can only regard him +at present as one who is neglecting the good gifts of heaven in the pursuit +apparently of some Jack-o'-lanthorn idea of popularity. No doubt you recall +his first novel, _The Sheep Path_, a sincere and well-observed study of +feminine temperament. This was followed by one that (though it had its +friends) marked, to my thinking, a lamentable fall from grace. He has now +published a third, _Day Dawn_ (WESTALL). Here, though popularity of a kind +may be its reward, the work is still woefully beneath what should be Mr. +TIGHE'S level. Certainly not one of the demands of the circulating +libraries is unfulfilled. We have a fair-haired heroine (victim to +cocaine), a dark and villainous foreigner, a dashing hero, a middle-aged +woman who adores him despite the presence of her husband, himself called +throughout _Baron Brinthall_, a style surely more common in pantomimic +circles than in the drawing-rooms of Mayfair; and the incidents embrace +both murder and suicide. Moreover there is "plenty of conversation," and +the intrigue moves sufficiently quickly (if jerkily) to keep one curious +about the next page. But having very willingly admitted so much I return to +my contention, that for Mr. TIGHE to neglect his sensitive and delicate art +for the antics of these tawdry dolls is to betray both himself and the +craft of which he may still become a distinguished exponent. + + * * * * * + +From the official who is interested in officialdom to the Infantry officer +who is interested in tactics, from the mechanical expert who can appreciate +the technical details of diagrams to the child who revels in faultless +photographs of hair-raising monsters ("I may read it, mother, mayn't I, +when I've unstickied my fingers?" was the way I heard it put), everybody, I +think, will find plenty to attract him in Sir ALBERT STERN'S finely +illustrated _Tanks 1914-1918_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON). Tanks were born at +Lincoln, and rightly so, for did not OLIVER CROMWELL'S Ironsides mostly +come from this region?--and the main theme of this book is to show how much +more formidable an obstacle they found in the files and registries of +Whitehall than in the trenches and wire-entanglements of Flanders and +France. Parents they had and sponsors innumerable. Practical soldiers and +engineers were enthusiastic about them, and the Bosch quaked in his +trenches or ran; but even so late as the autumn of 1917, after General FOCH +(as he was then) had said, "You must make quantities and quantities; we +must fight mechanically," one stout little company of obscurantists bravely +defied the creed of Juggernaut until the irresistible logic of its +successes in the field crushed them remorselessly under the "creeping +grip." And that company, of course, according to Sir ALBERT STERN, was the +British War Office. + + * * * * * + +Let me commend to you _The Mask_ (METHUEN) as a craftsmanlike essay in +imaginative realism; ruthlessly candid and self-revealing, but free from +that tiresome obsession of the ultra-realists that everything that has ever +happened is equally important in retrospect. The narrator, _Vanya +Gombarov_, a Russian Jew, discourses reflectively and detachedly, as it +were from behind a mask, to an English artist friend about his early +childhood in his own land and the dismal adventures of the _Gombarov_ +family in that underworld of exploited and miserable aliens which is one of +the root social problems of America. Very poignantly Mr. JOHN COURNOS makes +you understand the import of the phrase so constantly on the lips of such +victims of their own credulous hopes of El Dorado--"Woe to COLUMBUS!" The +portrait of _Vanya's_ stepfather, brilliant, magnanimous, pursued by an +AEschylean malignity of destiny, fills much of the foreground and is a quite +masterly piece of work. One cannot be wrong in assuming this to be +essential autobiography; there is a passionate conviction as of things +intimately seen and dreadfully suffered. Such material might well have +tempted to a mere piling of squalor upon squalor. A fine discretion has +given a noble dignity to a record through which shines the unquenchable +human spirit. One passage, full of affectionate discernment about London, +will cause a flicker of just pride in everyone who is authentic Cockney, +whether by birth or adoption. A big book of its kind, I dare assert. + + * * * * * + +_Star of India_ (CASSELL) is what Mrs. ALICE PERRIN calls her latest novel, +a title so good that I can only wonder why (or perhaps whether) it has not +been used before. Inside also I found excellent entertainment. One supposes +the author to have been confronted with two main problems with regard to +her plot--how to make sufficiently plausible the marriage between a flapper +(if you will forgive the odious word) of seventeen and a middle-ageing +Anglo-Indian; and, secondly, how to impart any touch of novelty to the +inevitable catastrophe that must attend this union. The first she has +managed by a very cunning suggestion of the mingled jealousy, curiosity and +boredom that drove _Stella_ into the arms of her elderly suitor; the second +by a variety of devices, to indicate which would be to give away the whole +intrigue--one, I may say, whose climax is not nearly so visible from afar +as that of most triangle tales. One point only I will reveal: Mrs. PERRIN +has had the courage, while vindicating her own common-sense judgment upon +such folk, to introduce a second girl, daughter and pupil of one of the +spoon-fed idealists who would govern India with the platitudes of +ignorance, and not only to make her sympathetic, but to convince me of her +attractions, which (especially just now) was not easy work. Decidedly a +first-rate yarn. + + * * * * * + +We may, I think, take it that the love-story in _The Gunroom_ (BLACK) is +fiction pure and naively simple, but that the experiences of _John +Lynwood_, the hero, in the Navy are given as the actual experiences of Mr. +C.L. MORGAN, the author. Let me then at once say that his revelations of +the bullying of junior by senior midshipmen go back to a period before the +War. These "shakings," we are asked to believe, were due partly to custom +and partly to boredom caused by lack of leave. If Mr. MORGAN is correct +both in his facts and surmises it is satisfactory to think that the War +must have obliterated the boredom which provoked such excesses, and one +need not be a fanatical opponent of physical punishment to hope that such +forms of tyranny will never again be tolerated as a matter of custom. I am +obliged to conclude that these incidents in _Lynwood's_ career are +absolutely true, for certainly nothing less than absolute truth could +excuse their appearance in print; but at the same time I must confess that +any attack upon our Navy is apt with me to act as an irritant. The more +reason that I should honestly admit Mr. MORGAN'S merits and say that he +writes with a nice sense of style, and that his book does not derive its +only interest from its revelations. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR LAUNDRIES: THE COLLAR-FINISHER.] + + * * * * * + +HUNTING EXTRAORDINARY. + +"GOOD SPORT WITH THE HOLDERNESS. + + "A stout ox led the field into Bilton village."--_Provincial Paper._ + + * * * * * + +RECHAUFFES FOR CANNIBALS. + + "A company, numbering over 80, sat down to dinner, the host and hostess + (Mr. and Mrs. ----) proving, as usual, a first-class menu."--_Local + Paper._ + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +158, JANUARY 14, 1920*** + + +******* This file should be named 16107.txt or 16107.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/6/1/0/16107 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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