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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158,
+January 14, 1920, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, January 14, 1920
+
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: June 22, 2005  [eBook #16107]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 158, JANUARY 14, 1920***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Jonathan Ingram, Keith Edkins, and the Project
+Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net)
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 16107-h.htm or 16107-h.zip:
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/6/1/0/16107/16107-h/16107-h.htm)
+      or
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/6/1/0/16107/16107-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 158
+
+JANUARY 14TH, 1920
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+The Premier, says a contemporary, has become greatly attached to a white
+terrier puppy that he brought with him from Colwyn Bay. The report that it
+has been taught to run after its own tail by Mr. LLOYD GEORGE himself is
+probably the work of malice.
+
+* * *
+
+Our heart goes out to the tenant of an experimental wooden house who is
+advertising for the assistance of the man who successfully held up a
+post-office in London about a fortnight ago.
+
+* * *
+
+A London carman is said to have summoned his neighbour for calling him an
+O.B.E. We are sure he could not have meant it.
+
+* * *
+
+"The most hygienic dress for all boys is the Scots kilt," says a
+correspondent of _The Daily Mail_. "My own boys wear nothing else." We are
+glad to see that the obsolete Highland Practice of muffling the ears in a
+cairngorm has been definitely discarded.
+
+* * *
+
+According to a contemporary a new form of road surface material, which is
+not injurious to fish, has been produced by the South Metropolitan Gas
+Company. The utilisation of some of the deeper cavities in our highways for
+the purpose of food production has long been a favourite theme of ours.
+
+* * *
+
+"Having a tooth drawn," says a writer in _Health Hints_, "has its
+advantages." It certainly tends to keep one's mind off the Coalition.
+
+* * *
+
+Two men have been charged at Sutton with selling water for whisky. People
+are now asking the exact date when this was first made an offence.
+
+* * *
+
+At the present time a missionary costs twice as much as before the War,
+says the Rev. W.J. FULLERTON. Many a cassowary has been complaining
+bitterly of the high cost of this comestible.
+
+* * *
+
+A new tango will be danced for the first time on January 15th, says _The
+Daily Express_. For ourselves we shall try to go about our business just as
+if nothing really serious had happened.
+
+* * *
+
+Asked by the magistrate if her husband had threatened her, a Stratford
+woman replied, "No; he only said he would kill me." Almost any little thing
+seems to irritate some people.
+
+* * *
+
+It appears that, after reading various references about his trial in the
+London papers, the ex-Kaiser was heard to say that if we were not very
+careful he would wash his hands of the whole business.
+
+* * *
+
+There is a lot of wishy-washy talk about the Bolshevists, says a Labour
+paper. Wishy, perhaps, but from what we see of their pictures in the
+papers, not washy.
+
+* * *
+
+"Supplies of string for letter mail-bags," says _The Post Office Circular_,
+"will in future be 19 inches in length, instead of 18 inches." It is the
+ability to think out things like this that has made us the nation we are
+to-day.
+
+* * *
+
+Offers are invited in a contemporary for a large quantity of tiger skins.
+People should first make sure that the rest of the tiger has been properly
+removed before purchasing.
+
+* * *
+
+The composer of an American ragtime song is to have a statue erected to him
+in New York. It is hoped that this warning will have the desired effect on
+any composers in this country who may be tempted to commit a similar error.
+
+* * *
+
+We understand that, after several weeks of careful investigation into
+details, the special Committee appointed by the Government to deal with
+Germany's refusal to pay for her sunken fleet at Scapa have now recommended
+that no receipt should be given until the money is handed over.
+
+* * *
+
+"You will soon be able to get work," said the Kingston magistrate to a man
+summoned for income-tax. This is the sort of thoughtless remark that tends
+to embitter the unemployed.
+
+* * *
+
+According to an evening paper, Granny LAMBERT, of Edmonton, proposed to the
+reporter who visited her on her one-hundred-and-sixth birthday. As,
+however, she is experiencing some difficulty in obtaining the consent of
+her parents the affair may possibly fall through.
+
+* * *
+
+Much sympathy is felt for the scrum-half who will be unable to assist his
+team this month on account of being severely crocked whilst helping his
+wife at the Winter sales.
+
+* * *
+
+The London policeman who went across to Ireland for his Christmas holiday
+is still under strict observation by mental experts.
+
+* * *
+
+We hear that the Congo Government have now decided that all Brontosauri
+must in future carry a red front light and a green rear light when
+travelling at night-time.
+
+* * *
+
+The War Office is said to be making preparations to abolish the Tank Corps.
+It appears that the Major-General who recently drove from Whitehall to
+Tothill Street in one of these vehicles has reported unfavourably upon
+them, saying that he never got a wink of sleep the whole time.
+
+* * *
+
+A remarkable echo of Armageddon is reported from the Wimbledon district. A
+subscriber was rung up the other day by "Trunks" and asked if he still
+wished to say good-bye to himself before leaving for the Somme.
+
+* * *
+
+Thistles do more damage to agriculture than rats, declared the
+Montgomeryshire Agricultural Executive Committee. Stung by this
+uncalled-for attack on his national vegetable a Scotchman writes to say
+that within his knowledge more arable land has been laid waste by leeks
+than by any other noxious weed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Professor's Wife._ "SEPTIMUS, THE THAW HAS BURST THE
+PIPES."
+
+_Professor._ "NO, NO, MARIE. AS I'VE HAD OCCASION TO EXPLAIN TO YOU EVERY
+YEAR SINCE I CAN REMEMBER, IT'S THE FROST THAT BURSTS THE PIPES--_NOT_ THE
+THAW."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FASHIONS FOR MEN.
+
+    ["Who will help the Disposal Board by starting some new fashion that
+    would enable it to get rid of a great consignment of kilts as worn by
+    the London Scottish, the Royal Scots and the Highland Light Infantry?"
+    --_Mrs. KELLAWAY on the Disposal Board's "Curiosity Shop."_]
+
+  There are who hanker for a touch of colour,
+    So to relieve their sombre air;
+  For me, I like my clothes to be much duller
+    Than what the nigger minstrels wear;
+  I hold by sable, drab and grey;
+  I do not wish to be a popinjay.
+
+  In vain my poor imagination grapples
+    With these new lines in fancy shades,
+  These purple evening coats with yellow lapels,
+    These vests composed in flowered brocades;
+  Nor can I think that noisy checks
+  Would help me to attract the other sex.
+
+  With gaudy schemes that rouse my solemn dander
+    I leave our frivolous youth to flirt;
+  A riband round my straw--for choice, Leander;
+    A subtle nuance in my shirt;
+  For tie, the colours of my school--
+  These are the limits of my austere rule.
+
+  But, when they'd have me swathe the clamorous tartan
+    In lieu of trousers round my waist,
+  Then they evoke the spirit of the Spartan
+    Inherent in my simple taste;
+  Inexorably I decline
+  To drape the kilt on any hips of mine.
+
+  It may be they will count me over-modest,
+    Deem me Victorian, dub me prude;
+  I may have early views, the very oddest,
+    On what is chaste and what is rude;
+  Yet am I certain that my leg
+  Would not look right beneath a filibeg.
+
+  I love the Scot as being truly British;
+    Golf (and the Union) makes us one;
+  Yet to my nature, which is far from skittish
+    And lacks his local sense of fun,
+  There is a something almost foreign
+  About his strange attachment to the sporran.
+
+  So, when a bargain-sale is held of chattels
+    Surviving from the recent War--
+  Textiles and woollens, built for use in battles--
+    And Scotland's there inquiring for
+  The kilt department, I shall not
+  Be found competing. She can have the lot.
+
+
+O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DOMESTIC PROBLEM.
+
+"Well, I've been to see three of them now," she said. "The first is at
+Shepherd's Bush--"
+
+"What pipes!" I ejaculated. "What music! What wild ecstasy!"
+
+"--four hundred yards from the Central Tube, to be exact; and there's a
+large roller skating-rink next door. You never rolled, did you? Three
+sessions daily, the advertisement says."
+
+"I'm afraid I sat oftener than that when I rolled," I confessed. "'Another
+transport split,' as the evening papers say. I wonder whether Sir ERIC
+GEDDES is the rink-controller. But tell me a little about the house. I
+suppose there's a high premium and a deep basement?"
+
+"There are."
+
+"Next, please."
+
+"The next is at Chiswick; very damp and miles and miles to catch your bus.
+And there's a basement again."
+
+"You might grow mushrooms in the basement," I said hopefully, "while I
+hunted my Pimlico on the shore. What about the third?"
+
+"The third is at Hampstead, very high up and very salubrious. The agent
+says we should be able to overlook the whole of London."
+
+"Impossible," I protested; "you can't ignore a thing like London."
+
+"I don't think he meant that exactly," she explained. "He said that from
+the top bedroom window on bright days one could catch a glimpse of the dome
+of St. Paul's."
+
+"That will be rather fine," I agreed. "We can have afternoon receptions in
+the top bedroom, and print 'To meet the Dean and Chapter' on the card.
+People love meeting Chapters in real life. What is the rental of this
+eyrie?"
+
+She told me. It was as high as the site; and, again, there was a dug-out
+underneath.
+
+"You haven't tried Ponder's End?" I said at last. "I've often seen those
+words on a bus, and a lot of sad-looking people on the top, pondering, I
+suppose, the inevitable end."
+
+"Well, which of them are we going to choose? It's the servant problem
+that's the real trouble, you know. They simply won't cope with a basement
+nowadays."
+
+"I think you overestimate the help crisis," I said. "There are two things
+that they really want. The first is to have employers absolutely dependent
+on them, and the second is a gay life. To take the first. I remember that
+when I was in digs--"
+
+"Do you mind if I knit?" she asked.
+
+--"when I was in digs it was my landlady's fondest delusion that I could do
+nothing to help myself. And, of course, I was bound to foster the idea.
+Every night I used to hide my pipe behind the coal-scuttle or my latchkey
+in the aspidistra, just for her to find. There was rather a terrible moment
+once when she came in unexpectedly and caught me losing half-a-crown
+underneath the hearth-rug; but I pretended to be finding it, and saved the
+situation. It will be just the same with you. You will go down into the
+basement and pretend to mistake the flour for the salt, and the cook will
+love you for ever. It's all done by kindness and incompetence."
+
+"I suppose it is," she said doubtfully.
+
+"And then there's amusements," I went on. "We will have Charles in once or
+twice a week. No servant who has ever heard Charles trying to sing would
+prefer a night out at the cinema or the skating-rink. If she does, we'll
+get a gramophone."
+
+"Not for worlds," she gasped.
+
+"Oh, _you_ wouldn't have to listen to it. It would live in the basement,
+and HARRY LAUDER would help the girl to clean the knives and break the
+cups, and GEORGE ROBEY would make washing the dishes one grand sweet song.
+The basement would be a fairyland."
+
+"All this doesn't seem to get us much further," she complained, "in
+deciding which of those houses we're going to take."
+
+"Oh, doesn't it?" I said, and, sitting down, I wrote a few lines rapidly
+and handed her the draft for approval. She approved.
+
+And that is why, if you look at _The Times'_ "Domestic Situations" column
+to-morrow, you may see the following announcement:--
+
+HOUSE-PARLOURMAID WANTED, helpless couple, where gramophone kept; state
+whether Hampstead, Chiswick or Shepherd's Bush preferred.
+
+EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ANOTHER TURKISH CONCESSION.
+
+TURKEY (_anxious to save the Peace Conference from embarrassment_).
+"EUROPE! WITH ALL THY FAULTS I LOVE THEE STILL. IF THOU INSISTEST, I AM
+PREPARED TO STAY WITH THEE, BAG AND BAGGAGE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "OH, YES, MADAM, BRITANNIA WILL SUIT YOU ADMIRABLY. AND WHAT
+ABOUT THE GENTLEMAN?"
+
+"OH, HE'S GOING IN HIS DINNER-JACKET, REPRESENTING ONE OF THE SMALLER
+NATIONS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR INVINCIBLE NAVY.
+
+ORDEAL BY WATER.
+
+When the innermost recesses of the Admiralty archives yield their secrets
+to the historian there will be some strange and stirring events to relate.
+But however diligently the chroniclers may search amongst the accumulated
+records at Whitehall there will still remain one outstanding performance,
+one shining example of courage and endurance of which no trace can there be
+found; for it was never officially known how Reginald McTaggart upheld the
+honour of the White Ensign in the Gulf of Lyons.
+
+Reginald does not in the ordinary way suffer from excess of modesty; indeed
+he has been known to hint that on more than one occasion it was primarily
+due to his efforts that the world was eventually made safe for democracy;
+but of this his greatest exploit he will never speak without pressure, and
+even then but diffidently.
+
+When WILLIAM HOHENZOLLERN first cried "Havoc" and let slip the Prussian
+Guard, Reginald was among the most unsophisticated of landsmen. He had
+never in his life so much as heard a bo'sun's pipe and could scarcely
+distinguish a battleship from a bathing-machine. But the blood of a
+maritime ancestry ran hot in his veins, and, being too highly educated to
+get on in the Army, he placed himself at the disposal of the Senior
+Service, which embraced him gladly. Henceforth his career was one of
+unbroken triumph.
+
+Having taken a First in Mechanical Sciences at Cambridge, Reginald was at
+once detailed off for deck-swabbing on a Portsmouth depôt ship; but one day
+an enterprising Rear-Admiral of the younger school, noting his scientific
+manner of manipulating a squeegee, had him sent before the Flag Captain,
+who, on learning his antecedents, recommended the blushing Reginald for the
+post of batman to the Senior Wireless Officer. Here his talents showed to
+such advantage that in a little over a year he received a commission as
+technical officer, and was placed in charge of an experimental Torpedo
+School, well away from the storms and tempests that vexed his less gifted
+brothers.
+
+It were tedious to relate Reginald's adventures during the next two
+years--how time and again he baffled the cunning devices of the German
+naval scientists--how he invented a pivotal billiard-table for use on
+drifters in rough weather and perfected an electro-magnetic contrivance by
+means of which enemy submarines were inveigled into torpedoing themselves
+without warning. All this and much else is accessible to the formal
+historian; besides, Reginald tells people himself. We will hurry on to the
+grand exploit.
+
+It occurred shortly after he was appointed to a post on the British Naval
+Mission at Athens. He had left England little more than a month when the
+Sea Lords became uneasy. Trouble broke out among the torpedoes and there
+was no one to set matters right. Paragraphs began to appear in the Press.
+The result was an urgent wireless message to Athens recalling Reginald at
+once. There was to be no delay.
+
+"Are you prepared to start immediately?" asked the Vice-Admiral, when he
+had briefly outlined the situation.
+
+Reginald saluted briskly.
+
+"I don't quite know how you'll go," continued the Vice-Admiral. "We haven't
+an armed ship sailing West for a week. There's a little Greek trading
+steamer leaving for Marseilles to-morrow morning, but I'm afraid you would
+find her very incommodious. Would you care to risk it?"
+
+"I start in the morning, Sir," said Reginald tersely.
+
+The Vice-Admiral seized his hand and wrung it warmly.
+
+When Reginald came down to the harbour and saw the craft on which he had
+undertaken to embark he was seized with a sudden faintness. Even the
+toughest seafarer would have thought twice before venturing beyond the
+breakwater in such an unsavoury derelict; and Reginald, be it remembered,
+had only once in his life made a sea voyage, and that in the peaceful
+security of an ironclad. His heart quailed beneath his Commander's uniform.
+
+However, setting his teeth and consoling himself with the thought that she
+would undoubtedly fall to pieces before they could leave the harbour
+behind, he went aboard.
+
+The master, an unprepossessing but exceedingly polite child of the Ægean,
+was overwhelmed at the prospect of carrying a British Naval Commander as
+passenger. He saluted wildly; he gesticulated; it was too much honour.
+Would his Excellency the Commander accept the use of his poor state-room--
+yes? Would he undertake the navigation of this so dangerous voyage--no? Ah,
+but he would seek his so expert advice in the sudden perilous moment--good.
+Reginald bowed nervously.
+
+At first all went well. Except for the atmosphere of the state-room, which
+was richly tinged with a mixed odour of mildewed figs and rotten
+pomegranates, and the uncomfortable feeling that, unless he trod
+delicately, the decks would crumble away and deposit him in the bosom of
+the Mediterranean, Reginald was fairly happy. A ready wit and a dignified
+bearing combined to cloak his lack of seamanship and kept the skipper in a
+fit state of humility and awe.
+
+But in the Gulf of Lyons a breeze sprang up. It was quite a gentle breeze
+at first, and Reginald found it rather stimulating. Towards evening,
+however, it freshened, and the ship began to stagger. Reginald became
+conscious of those disquieting symptoms common to landsmen in such case.
+Fearful for his reputation he crept below to suffer in solitude.
+
+By midnight it was blowing a gale, and Reginald had lost interest in life.
+He was thinking mournfully of the vanity of all human desires when a
+message was brought from the captain. They were about to perish. Would his
+Excellency the Commander come up to the bridge and save them, please?
+
+It was a painful predicament, and Reginald was justly horrified. Could he
+venture out and display the weakness of the British Navy in the face of a
+crew of unwashed Greek matelots? On the other hand, could he skulk in his
+cabin and allow the Master to doubt his courage and resource? He rose and
+lurched unsteadily on deck.
+
+The Captain was distinctly excited. Destruction was imminent. He had
+appealed to the Saints without avail. Would the British Commander come to
+their assistance? What did his Excellency think of it?
+
+Reginald thought it was perfectly horrible. He had never thought such a
+ghastly scene possible. The ship appeared on the point of turning turtle
+and he was soaked to the skin already. Then, realizing that he could not
+remain on the bridge another minute without internal disaster, he made a
+supreme effort.
+
+"My dear skipper," he howled at the top of his voice, "you surely don't
+call this a storm? The merest breeze, I assure you. I really can't be
+disturbed for such a trifle. If it begins to blow at all during the night
+let me know and I'll come up and take the matter in hand;" and without
+waiting for a reply he scrambled down from the bridge and made a dash for
+the seclusion of the state-room.
+
+Next morning they were rolling in the swell off Marseilles, with the
+prestige of the British Navy, if possible, higher than ever.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: POLICE CONSTABLE (DEMOBILISED OFFICER) MEETS AN OLD FRIEND
+FROM FRANCE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The Lord Mayor of Dublin has placed a room in the City Hall at the
+    disposal of the Labour party for the reception of reputations."--_Irish
+    Paper_.
+
+A kindly thought. Reputations are so easily lost in Ireland.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JAZZERWOCKY.
+
+(_With apologies to LEWIS CARROLL._)
+
+  'Twas grillig, and the Jazzlewags
+    Did glomp and scrimble o'er the board;
+  All gladsome were their dazzlerags,
+      And the loud Nigs uproared.
+
+  "Beware the Tickle Trot, my son,
+    The feet that twink, the hands that clug;
+  Beware the Shimmy Shake and shun
+      The thrustful Bunny Hug."
+
+  He put his pumpsious shoon on foot,
+    He bent his knees to slithe and sprawl,
+  Till, fagged and flausted by disdoot,
+      He brooded by the wall.
+
+  And, as in broody ease he lay,
+    The Jazzerwock, with shoulders bare,
+  Came swhiffling through the juggly fray
+      And grapped him by the hair.
+
+  One, two! One, two! And through and through
+    The prancing maze they reeled and pressed,
+  Till both his feet ignored the beat
+      And woggled with the best.
+
+  "And hast thou learnt at last to jazz?
+    Come take my arm, my clomplish boy;"
+  O hectic day! Cheero! Cheeray!
+      He chwinckled in his joy.
+
+  'Twas grillig, and the Jazzlewags
+    Did glomp and scrimble o'er the board;
+  All gladsome were their dazzlerags,
+      And the loud Nigs uproared.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A PAINFUL SUBJECT.
+
+I do not love dentists. In this antipathy I am not unique, I fancy. One
+never sees photographs of family dentists standing on mantelpieces heavily
+framed in silver; and, though _The Forceps_ presents a coloured supplement
+depicting a prominent ivory-hunter with every Christmas number, there is, I
+am told, no violent demand for it outside the Profession.
+
+This is not to be wondered at. A man who spends his life climbing into
+people's mouths and playing "The Anvil Chorus" on their molars with a
+monkey-wrench, who says, "Now this won't hurt you in the least," and then
+deals one a smart rap on a nerve with a pickaxe--such a man cannot expect
+to be popular. He must console himself with his fees.
+
+I do not love dentists, I repeat, but I am also not infatuated with
+toothache. It is not that I am a coward. Far from it. Arterial sclerosis,
+glycosuria, follicular tonsillitis and, above all, sleeping sickness I can
+bear with fortitude--that is, I feel sure I could--but toothache, no! I am
+not ashamed of it. Every brave man has at least one weakness. Lord
+ROBERTS'S was cats. Achilles' was tendons. Mine is toothache (Biographers,
+please note). When my jaw annoys me I try to propitiate it with libations
+of whisky, brandy, iodine, horse-blister and patent panaceas I buy from
+sombreroed magicians in the Strand. If these fail I totter round to the
+dentist, ring the bell and run away. If the maid catches me before I can
+escape and turns me into the waiting-room I examine the stuffed birds and
+photographs of Brighton Pier until she has departed, then slither quietly
+down the banisters, open the street door and gallop. If I am pushed
+directly into the _abattoir_ I shake the dentist warmly by the hand, ask
+after his wife and children, his grandfather and great-aunt, and tell him I
+have only dropped in to tune the piano. If that is no good I try to make an
+appointment for an afternoon this year, next year, some time, never. If
+that too is useless and he insists on putting me through it there and then,
+I take every anodyne he's got--cocaine, morphia, chloroform, ether, gas,
+also a couple of anæsthetists to hold my hand when I go off and kiss me
+when I come round again.
+
+One of my chief objections to dentists is that they will never listen to
+reason; explanations are quite thrown away on them. They only let you talk
+at all in order to get your face open, and then into it they plunge their
+powerful antiseptic-tasting hands and you lose something. I never go near a
+dentist without paying the extreme penalty. (None of those cunning little
+gold-tipped caps or reinforced concrete suspension-bridges for me. Out it
+comes. Blood and iron every time). I admit they frequently appease my
+anguish. Almost invariably among the teeth of which they relieve me at each
+sitting is included the offending one. But still I maintain my right to
+have a say in my own afflictions. The doctors let one. I've got a physician
+who lets me have any disease I fancy (except German measles and Asiatic
+cholera; for patriotic reasons he won't hear a good word spoken for either
+of them; says we've got just as good diseases of our own. Damned
+insularity!).
+
+If I send for this doctor he comes along, sits quietly beside my bed,
+eating my grapes, while I tell him where the pain isn't. The recital over
+he hands me a selection of ailments to pick from. I choose one. He tells me
+what the symptoms are, drinks my invalid port, creeps downstairs and breaks
+the news to the hushed and awe-stricken family. A chap like that makes
+suffering a pleasure and is a great comfort in a home like mine, where a
+sick bed is the only sort you are allowed to lie in after 10 A.M. Without
+the fellow's ready sympathy I doubt if I should secure any sleep at all.
+One gets no assistance of that kind from dentists, although they give you
+more pain in ten seconds than a doctor does in ten years.
+
+No dentist ever sees me home after the slaughter, orders me a diet of
+chicken breast, _pêche Melba_ and champagne, or warns my family that I am
+on no account to be disturbed until lunch. No, they jerk your jaw off its
+hinges and dump your remains on the doorstep for the L.C.C. rubbish cart to
+collect.
+
+Another thing: dentists should not be allowed out loose about the streets.
+They exercise a blighting influence. You are strolling along in the
+sunshine, head high, chest expanded, telling some wide-eyed young thing
+what you and HAIG did to LUDENDORFF, when suddenly you meet the dentist.
+You look at him, he looks at you, and his eyes seem to say, "What ho, my
+hero! Last week you went to ground under my sofa and couldn't be dislodged
+until I put the page-boy in to ferret you."
+
+"And what happened then," inquires the wide-eyed young thing, "after you
+had caught the Hun tank by the tail and ripped it up with a tin-opener?"
+
+"After that," says the eye of the dentist, "you wept, you prayed, you lay
+on the floor and kicked, you--"
+
+"And did you kill all the crew yourself?" bleats the maiden, "single-handed
+--every one of them?"
+
+"Oh, I--er," you stutter--"what I mean to say--that is--Oh, dash it, let's
+go and get tea somewhere, what?"
+
+PATLANDER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From the _dramatis personæ_ in a Malta opera-programme:--
+
+    "Singers, Old Beans, and Abbés."
+
+The "old beans" no doubt were drawn from the local garrison.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The old wooden streets which survived in the more ancient parts of the
+    capital [Petrograd] have, on account of the lack of fuel since the
+    Bolshevists became all-powerful, been torn down and demobilished."--
+    _Daily Paper_.
+
+The last word in destructiveness.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The standing joint committee of the Industrial Women's Organisations
+    have passed a resolution unanimously endorsing the action of the
+    Consumers' Council in opposing the decontrol of meat."--_Daily
+    Graphic_.
+
+The "standing joint" committee would seem to be the very one for the job.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: MANNERS AND MODES.
+
+HOW TO APPEAR BEAUTIFUL THOUGH PLAIN:--SURROUND YOURSELF WITH SPECIMENS OF
+THE LATEST ART.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    DRESS OF THE DAY.
+
+    "BATHROOM TOILETTES.
+
+    "This season balls and dances, both private and public, are being given
+    in greater numbers than ever."--_Local Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A couple of ciphers, followed by a string of noughts, represents
+    Germany's debt to France. And it looks as if the noughts are all France
+    will get in the present generation."--_Evening Paper._
+
+But it is possible that under pressure Germany might throw in the ciphers
+as well.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"LOST AND FOUND.
+
+"ADDRESS BY THE LORD ADVOCATE.
+
+    "Will the party who took the wrong Umbrella from the Ante-Room, Music
+    Hall, kindly return same in exchange for his own to ----, Music Hall?"
+    --_Scotch Paper._
+
+An odd address for the LORD ADVOCATE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Wells' 'History of the Universe' describes the slow disappearance of
+    certain species, taking hundreds of thousands of years to do it."--
+    _Daily Paper_.
+
+In an age of hustle it is gratifying to find one eminent author approaching
+his work with due deliberation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    THE PROFITEER'S ANTHEM.
+
+    "The Hymns to be sung will be: (1) 'All people that on earth do
+    well.'..."--_Rangoon Times._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From _Surplus_, the official organ of the Disposal Board:--
+
+"PORK AND BEANS.
+
+    "16 oz. tins (15 ozs. Beans and Sauce, 1 oz. Pork); 21 oz. tins (20 ozs.
+    Beans and Sauce, 1 oz. Pork)."
+
+So the question which vexed many billets on the Western Front is now
+answered. There _was_ pork in it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BEHIND THE SCENES IN CINEMA-LAND.
+
+"YOU'RE IN LUCK, MY BOY. THEY'VE IMPORTED A GENUINE MEXICAN BANDIT FOR YOUR
+KNIFE-FIGHT SCENE IN 'BAD HAT, THE HALF-BREED.'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MY FIRE.
+
+"Seventy-five per cent. of the world's accidents arise from gross
+carelessness!" I thundered at Suzanne, who for the fifteenth time in five
+years of matrimony had left her umbrella in the 'bus. Being on a month's
+leave, and afraid of losing by neglect the orderly-room touch, I thought
+fit to practise on her the arts of admonition. Admonishing, I wagged at her
+the match with which I was in the act of lighting my pipe. Wagging the
+match, I did not notice the live head drop off on to the khaki slacks which
+I had donned that afternoon to grace a visit to the War Office. Only when I
+traced Suzanne's petrified stare to its target did I discover that a
+ventilation hole had been created in a vital part of His Majesty's uniform.
+
+With great presence of mind I put out the conflagration before venturing on
+an encounter with Suzanne's eye.
+
+"You were discussing accidents," she observed sweetly. "What percentage of
+them did you say was due to gross carelessness?"
+
+I did not bandy words. There was no escaping the fact that they were, as
+Suzanne reminded me, my sole surviving pair of khaki slacks, and that I
+should certainly have to get a new pair before returning to the Depôt; for
+these were obviously beyond wear or repair.
+
+"Well, anyhow I've three weeks to get them in," I said as lightly as I
+could. "My leave isn't up till the end of the month."
+
+"Men's clothes are terribly dear just now," remarked Suzanne pensively.
+"And I _was_ going to ask you to give me a new hat. But now I suppose--"
+
+This roused my pride and self-respect.
+
+"Suzanne," I said, "the world is not coming to an end because I have to buy
+a pair of slacks. You shall have your new hat to-morrow."
+
+She clapped her hands in triumph, and a moment's reflection showed me that
+I had been caught. If it hadn't been for the conflagration she would never
+have dared to ask for a new hat. Now I came to remember, I had taken her
+out and bought her one on the first day of my leave.
+
+However, the damage was done (twice over, in fact), and I sat gently
+brooding over it in silence. Suddenly an inspiring thought struck me.
+Eagerly I made my way to the writing-table and drew out a long and bulky
+envelope from the bottom drawer. For some time I sat there carefully
+mastering its contents.
+
+"What's that funny-looking thing you're reading?" asked my wife at last.
+
+"Oh, nothing important," I answered as casually as I could. "Er--by the
+way, do you know we're insured?"
+
+"Considering that I've paid the premiums regularly while you were away, I
+should think I ought to know."
+
+"Of course I shall put in a claim for the slacks," I murmured.
+
+"But how can you?" she asked, and wondering looked at me. "I read the
+policy once, and as far as I remember there's nothing whatever about khaki
+slacks in it."
+
+"Do you know what this policy is?" I exclaimed, brandishing the document
+impressively. "It's a Comprehensive Householder's policy. I don't know what
+a Comprehensive Householder is, but I think I must be one."
+
+"But I'm _sure_ it says nothing about slacks," she objected.
+
+"Comprehensive!" I shouted. "That means all-embracing. This policy embraces
+my slacks."
+
+"That sounds almost indelicate."
+
+"Listen. 'Whereas the undermentioned, hereinafter called the Accused--the
+Assured, I mean--has paid blank pounds, shillings and pence Premium or
+Consideration ... to insure him/her from loss or damage by Lightning,
+Explosion, Earthquake, Thunderbolts ...'"
+
+"Oo-er," said Suzanne with a shiver.
+
+"'... Aeroplanes, Airships, and/or other Aerial Craft, Storm, Tempest,
+Subterranean Fire ...'"
+
+"Monsoon, Typhoon, Volcano, Avalanche," put in Suzanne impatiently. "Cut
+the cataclysms and come to the slacks."
+
+"I'm just coming to them. '... Burglary, Housebreaking, Theft and/or
+Larceny'--now hold your breath, for we're getting there--'Conflagration
+and/or Fire....'" I paused to let it sink in. "The fact is," I continued
+weightily, "we've had a Fire."
+
+"Have we? But I wasn't dressed for it. I should have worn a mauve
+_peignoir_, and been carried down to safety by a blond fireman. To have a
+fire without a fire-engine is like being married at a registry-office. Next
+time--"
+
+"Nevertheless, we've had a Fire, within the meaning of the policy. Now I'm
+going to write a letter to the Insurance Company."
+
+And I did so to the following effect:--
+
+  "77, _The Supermansions_,
+  _S.W._
+
+"DEAR SIRS,--I regret to inform you that a fire took place at/in the above
+demesne and/or flat after tea to-day and damaged one (1) pair of khaki
+slacks/trousers so as to render them unfit for further use. I shall
+therefore be glad to receive from you the sum of two guineas, the original
+cost price of the damaged article of apparel.
+
+"Yours, etc."
+
+Next day I took Suzanne out to buy the new hat. This done, we went on to my
+tailor's to replace the ill-starred slacks. A casual inquiry as to price
+elicited the statement that it would be four guineas. I cut short a
+rambling discourse, in which the tailor sought to saddle various remote
+agencies with the responsibility for the increase, and stamped out of the
+establishment with the blasphemous vow that I'd get a pair ready-made at
+the Stores.
+
+That evening I received a reply from the Insurance people:--
+
+"In all communications please quote Ref. No. 73856/SP/QR.
+
+"SIR,--We note your claim for garments injured by an outbreak of fire at
+your residence. We await the reports of the Fire Brigade and Salvage Corps,
+on receipt of which we will again communicate with you. Meanwhile, will you
+kindly inform us what other damage was done?
+
+"We are, yours, etc."
+
+I at once wrote back to remove their misapprehension:--
+
+"DEAR SIRS,--My fire was not what you would call an outbreak. It was
+essentially a quiet affair, attended by neither Fire Brigade nor Salvage
+Corps, but just the family (like being married at a registry-office, don't
+you think?). My khaki slacks were the only articles injured. As I am now
+going about without them, you will realise that no time should be lost in
+settling the claim.
+
+"Yours, etc.
+
+"P.S. I nearly forgot--73856/RS/VP. There!"
+
+A day or two later I received a request, pitched in an almost slanderously
+sceptical tone, for more detailed information. I humoured them, and there
+ensued a ding-dong correspondence, in which that wretched Ref. No. was
+bandied backwards and forwards with nauseating reiteration, and of which
+the following are the salient points:--
+
+_They._ Kindly state what you estimate the total value of the contents of
+your residence to be.
+
+_Myself_ (_after a searching inquiry into present prices_). £1,500.
+
+_They_ (_promptly_). We beg to point out that you are only insured for a
+total sum of £750. In accordance with the terms of your policy you are only
+entitled to recover such proportion of the value of the loss or damage as
+the total insured bears towards the total value of the contents--_i.e._,
+one-half.
+
+_Myself._ Two guineas is exactly one-half of four guineas, the present cost
+of slacks. Please see attached affidavit from tailor. (By a masterly stroke
+I had actually induced the rascal to set out his iniquity in black and
+white.)
+
+At last, twenty days after the fire, when I had finally screwed myself up
+to the point of going out to buy a pair of reach-me-downs, I was rewarded
+by receiving a cheque for two guineas from the Insurance Company, "in full
+settlement."
+
+By the same post I received a letter from the Adjutant of my Depôt
+informing me that I was not to return at the expiration of my leave, but by
+War Office instructions (I will spare you the Ref. No.) was to proceed
+instead to the Crystal Palace for immediate demobilization. (That, by the
+way, is part of the game of being a volunteer for the Army of Occupation.)
+It was Suzanne who brought the two letters into their proper correlation.
+
+"You won't have to get a new pair of slacks now," she said.
+
+"Bless my soul, no!" I exclaimed. "Then what ought I to do with this
+cheque? Send it back?"
+
+"Certainly not," cried Suzanne as she snatched it from my wavering hand.
+"I've been wanting a new hat for some time."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: ANOTHER COMBINE.
+
+_Bystander._ "'OW YER GOIN', MATE?"
+
+_Gutter Merchant._ "FINE! I'VE JUST AMALGAMATED WITH THE BUSINESS NEXT
+DOOR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"FRENZIED FINANCE."
+
+    "The guardians want more money also. What the Treasury finan-local
+    taxations are _only the be_-lical taxations are _only the beginning_ of
+    the demand upon the citizen's pocket."--_Evening Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"JUMPER CHAMPION.
+
+    "The reference to a young woman living at Esher, Surrey, who has
+    knitted 50 jumpers since August 20, which her friends claim to be a
+    world's record for an amateur, has resulted in a challenge.
+
+    "'Jumper,' who lives at Margate, writes: 'I find it quite easy to knit
+    in the dark and to read while knitting.'"--_Daily Paper_.
+
+The Margate candidate will get our vote.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE SERVANTS' BALL.
+
+_Groom_ (_somewhat heated_). "CARE FOR A BREATHER, MY LADY?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MY SALES DAY.
+
+7.0 to 8.30. Rise, breakfast, and make out shopping-list. I put down:--
+
+  Waterproof for Henry.
+  School-frock and boots for the Kid.
+  Replenish household linen.
+
+9.0. Arrive at large emporium just as the doors open. Ask to be directed to
+gentleman's mackintoshes. Pause on the way to look at evening wraps marked
+down from five guineas to 98/11. It seems a sweeping reduction, but I do
+not require an evening wrap.
+
+9.10 to 10.15. Try on evening wraps. Select a perfectly sweet _Rose du
+Barri_ duvetyn lined _gris foncé_.
+
+10.15. Continuing to head for mackintoshes. The course runs past a job-line
+in silk hosiery. Remember I ought to get stockings to go with the evening
+wrap.
+
+10.15 to 11.5. Match stockings.
+
+11.15. Arrive at gentlemen's mackintoshes. Find they are not being reduced
+in the sale. Observe however that some handsome silk shirts with broad
+stripes are marked half-price; get three for Henry, also a fancy waistcoat
+at 6/11-3/4 (was 25/-), only slightly soiled down front.
+
+11.40. Ask for Children's Department. Take wrong turning and arrive at
+millinery.
+
+11.40 to 1.10. Try on hats. Decide on a ducky little toque and a
+fascinating river hat (for next summer).
+
+1.10 to 1.30. Still asking for Children's Department. When it is finally
+given to me I am told that useful school-frocks have all been sold.
+
+1.30 to 6.30. Drift to Shoe Department; secure a pair of pink satin
+slippers--rather tight, but amazingly cheap. Swept by crowd into "Fancy
+Goods"; make several purchases. Get taken in a crush to "Evening
+Accessories"; am persuaded to buy.
+
+6.35. Leave emporium. It is raining heavily.
+
+7.15. Arrive home wet and exhausted. Have an argument, conducted affably on
+my side, with Henry, who flatly refuses to wear the half-price striped
+shirts or pay for the only-slightly-soiled waistcoat. He makes pointed
+remarks about the bad weather, with cynical reference to mackintoshes. Am
+struck afresh by the selfishness of men.
+
+7.45. Remember that I have forgotten household linen and Kid's boots, but
+determine not to let this spoil my good temper.
+
+8.0. Dine alone with Henry. Do my best to show a forgiving spirit in face
+of his egoism. So to bed, conscious of a day well spent.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR DAY OF UNREST.
+
+    ["The great demand of the moment is something fresh to do on Sunday."]
+    --_Evening Paper._
+
+  At the ample shrine of pleasure
+    You have worshipped well and long
+  On this day of so-called leisure,
+    Yet you feel there's something wrong.
+
+  _Blasé_ is your air and jaded;
+    Sabbath hours have lost their zest;
+  Utter ennui has invaded
+    Every corner of your chest.
+
+  Sport is shorn of all its glamour;
+    Motoring proves no more a lure;
+  So you come to me and clamour
+    For a speedy psychic cure.
+
+  Well, my friend, if fresh sensation
+    Is the object of your search,
+  And you want a consultation,
+    My advice is, Go to church.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BOLSHEVISM IN THE CIVIL SERVICE.
+
+    "Whitley Councils are the latest development in Government offices in
+    Whitehall. What is aimed at is a system of promotion free and
+    uninterrupted from top to bottom."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE HEIR PRESUMPTIVE.
+
+_Labour._ "PERHAPS IT'S A SIZE TOO BIG FOR ME AT PRESENT."
+
+_Coalition._ "GLAD YOU FEEL LIKE THAT, AS I HAVEN'T QUITE FINISHED WITH
+IT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Soulful Party._ "AH, YES, THE WORLD IS ALWAYS SO--WE NEVER
+STREW FLOWERS ON A MAN'S GRAVE UNTIL AFTER HE IS DEAD."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CANDOUR OF KEYNES.
+
+(_Suggested by the perusal of "The Economic Consequences of the Peace."_)
+
+  There was a superior young person named KEYNES
+  Who possessed an extensive equipment of brains,
+  And, being elected a Fellow of King's,
+  He taught Economics and similar things.
+
+  On the outbreak of war he at once made his mark
+  As a "tempy," but Principal, Treasury Clerk,
+  And the Permanent Staff and the CHANCELLOR too
+  Pronounced him a flier and well worth his screw.
+
+  So he went to the Conference, not as a mute,
+  To act as the CHANCELLOR'S chief substitute,
+  And in this extremely responsible post
+  He mingled with those who were ruling the roast.
+
+  The Big and redoubtable Three, 'tis confessed,
+  By his talent and zeal were immensely impressed;
+  But, conversely, the fact, which is painful, remains
+  That they failed to impress the redoubtable KEYNES.
+
+  So, after five months of progressive disgust,
+  He shook from his feet the Parisian dust,
+  Determined to give the chief Delegates beans
+  And let the plain person behind the Peace scenes.
+
+  Though his title is stodgy, yet all must admit
+  That his pages are seasoned with plenty of wit;
+  He's alert as a cat-fish; he can't be ignored;
+  And throughout his recital we never are bored.
+
+  For he's not a mere slinger of partisan ink,
+  But a thinker who gives us profoundly to think;
+  And his arguments cannot be lightly dismissed
+  With cries of "Pro-Hun" or of "Pacificist."
+
+  And yet there are faults to be found all the same;
+  For example, I doubt if it's playing the game
+  For one who is hardly unmuzzled to guy
+  Representative statesmen who cannot reply.
+
+  And while we're amused by his caustic dispraise
+  Of President WILSON'S Chadbandian ways,
+  Of the cynical TIGER, laconic and grim,
+  And our versatile PREMIER, so supple and slim--
+
+  Still we feel, as he zealously damns the Allies
+  For grudging the Germans the means to arise,
+  That possibly some of the Ultimate Things
+  May even be hidden from Fellows of King's.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The ---- Male Voice Choir and St. ----'s Brass Band discorded Xmas
+    music."--_Local Paper._
+
+We shouldn't wonder.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Another element in the industrial activity of Japan, which is brought
+    forcibly home to the Westerner, is the obvious pleasure that the
+    Japanese people take in doing the work which is allotted to them. It is
+    no uncommon sight to see men laughing merrily as they drag along their
+    heavy merchandise, or singing as they swing their anvils in a manner
+    almost reminiscent of the historic village blacksmith."--_Provincial
+    Paper._
+
+And "children coming home from school" know better than to "look in at the
+open door."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "GRANDFATHER, I SIMPLY LOVE YOUR NICE LONG BEARD. PROMISE ME
+YOU'LL NEVER HAVE IT BOBBED."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE EGOIST.
+
+On Monday morning Hereward Vale left home in an unsettled state of mind.
+That was putting it mildly. He was thoroughly unhappy. Something was up--he
+couldn't tell what--or whether it was his own fault or Mary's. Anyhow, it
+didn't seem to matter whose fault it was. The thing had happened. That was
+the one overwhelming idea that concerned him. The first shadow had fallen;
+their record of complete and perfect happiness was broken.
+
+The road to the station was a long and particularly beautiful one. Hereward
+had always appreciated every inch of it. But to-day he hated it. He hated
+the way the yew-trees drooped, the leafless branches of the hazels, the
+faded, crumpled blackberry, the scattered decaying leaves. It was really a
+remarkable day for November--clear and frosty, with a bright blue sky and
+scudding white clouds. A strong north-east wind tested one's vitality.
+Hereward's was low. He buttoned his collar and hurried on.
+
+Mary had never treated him quite like this before. She had always been
+tender, sympathetic and understanding with his moods. True, he was trying;
+but she had known that before she married him. He was an artist, and an
+artist's work, he argued, depended largely on the state of his emotions. He
+earned the family bread by the labour of his hands and his hand was the
+servant of his mind, and his mind a tempest of moods. Mary had applied
+herself to her task with creditable skill. She could always turn his
+sullenness to a sort of creative melancholy of which he was rather proud;
+his restlessness to energy and his discontent to something like
+constructive thinking. How she achieved the miracle he did not know, nor
+did he inquire. But he was guided by her as a child by its mother, still
+constantly rebelling.
+
+But to-day the machinery had broken down. Mary had been cool, pleasant and
+crisply unemotional at breakfast-time. He had woken up cross and with a
+headache. He had a muddled feeling and wanted sorting out. But Mary seemed
+quite unaware of it. She had a preoccupied manner; she went about just too
+cheerfully, chatting just too pleasantly about trivial things. It was
+mechanical, Hereward decided, and, anyway, it wasn't at all what he wanted.
+His monosyllabic responses were accepted as perfectly right and natural,
+when they were nothing of the sort. She did not get up and pass her hand
+lovingly and soothingly over his hair and say things appropriate to his
+state of mind. She went on with her breakfast and looked after him kindly
+enough, but without solicitude.
+
+For instance, she made no comment on the fact that he had hardly touched
+his bacon; she merely removed his plate and gave him marmalade and toast as
+if he had left no bacon at all. She didn't even notice the lines of
+suffering on his face, the dark circles under his eyes. He cast a glance in
+the mirror when her back was turned to see if they were obvious. They were.
+Why wasn't Mary catching his hump? She always did.
+
+When finally he left the house, a little bent, with no spring in his step,
+Mary didn't accompany him to the door. She didn't exchange with him one of
+those rapid looks of complete understanding that he had grown so accustomed
+to and found so sustaining and helpful. She kissed him firmly and coolly,
+almost casually. Just so she might kiss an aunt.
+
+The train journey was cold and lonely. Nobody he knew was travelling up to
+town. He bought a daily paper, but the headlines put him off. They were
+nearly all about divorce cases. There was one about a man who had lived for
+three years in the same house with his wife without speaking to her. Such
+things were possible! He gazed out of the window. The wonderful day had no
+charm for him. The feeling of autumn only further increased his sense of
+the loss of youth, of the decay of romance. He nursed and nourished his
+grievance. He desired that Mary should know what a wreck she had made of
+his day, possibly of his life.
+
+He was in no mood for work. He went up to his studio in Fitzroy Square and
+muddled about with pens and ink. He had what he called a good tidy up, and
+firmly and consistently threw away every relic of sentiment he had
+foolishly preserved. At one o'clock, through habit and not because he was
+hungry, he went out and had a lonely lunch at a small restaurant, sitting
+at a marble-topped table which imparted to him something of its chill.
+After that he loafed about looking at things till dusk. Dusk was quite
+unbearable. He fled back to the studio, made up a stupendous fire, lit a
+pipe and mused.
+
+He decided not to go home that night. He felt hurt and ill-used. He would
+stay in town and have a thoroughly good time. As the idea struck him he
+looked round the studio. The corners were dismal and shadowy. Everything
+not in the immediate circle of the fire looked grey and cheerless. His
+easel, with a bit of drapery thrown across it, was like a spectre with
+outstretched arms. It suggested despair. He could think of no one whom he
+wanted to see. There wasn't a soul he knew whom he would not in this crisis
+deliberately have avoided.
+
+So he went to the Russian Ballet and was bored. He had been excited about
+_Cleopatra_ the first time he had seen it; he now decided that it was a
+great mistake to try to repeat emotional experiences.
+
+He left hurriedly before the programme was half over. His feet took him
+mechanically to Waterloo Station. He looked up a train. The 9.30 was due
+out; he sprinted and caught it. The carriage he managed to get into was
+empty and warm. He slept; he slept all the way, and it did him good.
+
+When he arrived at the other end the night was calm and the sky
+star-spangled. The walk out exhilarated him; his exasperation was over.
+He ran lightly down the leaf-strewn steps of the old garden and looked in
+at the window. Mary was seated at the fire. She looked pensive, pretty
+and a little sad. He whistled and she smiled up. "Hooray!" she said, "I'd
+nearly given you up." She slipped round and had the door open before he
+could get out his key and drew him in. She helped him off with his coat
+and scanned his face with even more than her usual intentness and
+interest. But she didn't ask him why he was late and he didn't tell her.
+He thought that could wait.
+
+Their extemporised supper was a great success, and they sat before the wood
+fire far into the night.
+
+"What was up this morning?" he finally asked. "You weren't quite yourself,
+were you?"
+
+"This morning?" she questioned, puzzled. "Oh, I remember. I woke with a
+splitting headache. Did you notice it? You nice old thing!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Musician_ (_having bumped lady with 'cello_). "OH, I _AM_
+SO SORRY."
+
+_Lady._ "DON'T MENTION IT. I'M PASSIONATELY FOND OF MUSIC."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE PLAY.
+
+"MR. PIM PASSES BY."
+
+  "The year's at the spring
+  And day's at the morn...
+  God's in His heaven--
+  All's right with the world!"
+
+When _Pippa_ "passed," singing songs like that and preoccupied with the
+splendid fact of her one day's holiday, she unconsciously brought about a
+change for the better in the heart or conscience of all who overheard her.
+It was not so with the passing of _Mr. Pim_. Prior to his intrusion, there
+had been nothing to disturb the well-ordered existence of _Geo. Marden,
+Esq., J.P.,_ and his wife (late Mrs. Tellworthy), except that they did not
+see eye to eye on the small question of his niece's early engagement to a
+young artist and on the still smaller question of futuristic curtains. Then
+came _Mr. Garraway Pim_, a doddering old gentleman, with a thin falsetto
+voice and a loosish memory, but otherwise harmless. He arrives with an
+introduction from Australia and casually lets fall a tale of a
+fellow-passenger with the unusual name of Tellworthy, from which--and
+other incidental evidence--_Mrs. Marden_ gathers that her first husband
+(an ex-convict) is still alive. Having dropped this thunderbolt he drifts
+off, leaving tragedy in his wake. End of Act I.
+
+_Marden_, highly conscientious, takes the orthodox view that his lawless
+marriage must be nullified. His wife, though horrified at the resurrection
+of her impossible first husband, permits herself to recognise the
+humorously ironic side of things. _Mr. Pim_, fortunately located in the
+immediate neighbourhood, is sent for that he may throw further light on the
+painful subject of Tellworthy's revival. He now reports--what he had
+vaguely imagined himself to have mentioned in the first instance--that
+Tellworthy had met his death at Marseilles through swallowing a
+herring-bone. The Second Act closes with a burst of jubilant hysterics on
+the part of _Mrs. Marden_.
+
+But the situation is only partially relieved. True, the old husband is dead
+all right, but the _Mardens'_ marriage is still bigamous; they have been
+living all this time in what would be regarded in the eyes of Heaven (and,
+still worse, the county of Bucks) as sin. However, a trifling formality at
+a registry-office can rectify this and nobody need be any the wiser. This
+at least is _Marden's_ attitude, always free from any suspicion of
+complexity. But his wife (if that is the word for her), being of a more
+subtle nature, determines to make profit out of the situation. She points
+out to him that she is at present the widow Tellworthy and that she must be
+wooed all over again, and can only be won on her own terms. These include a
+recognition of the niece's engagement (has not the young artist an equal
+right with _Marden_ to a speedy marriage with the woman of his choice?) and
+a concession to her taste in futuristic curtains.
+
+[Illustration: A DROPPER OF UNCONSIDERED TRIFLES.
+
+_Mr. Pim._ Mr. DION BOUCICAULT.
+
+_Mrs Marden._ Miss IRENE VANBRUGH.]
+
+At this juncture _Mr. Pim_ drifts in again to correct an error of memory.
+The name of the gentleman who succumbed to the herring-bone was not
+Tellworthy (he must have got that name into his head through hearing it
+mentioned as that of _Mrs. Marden's_ first husband). It was really
+Polwhistle--either Henry or Ernest Polwhistle; he was not quite sure which.
+Everything is thus restored to the _status quo ante_, except that _Marden_,
+in a spasm of generous reaction, feels himself morally bound to abide by
+the new conditions that his wife had laid down.
+
+_Mr. Pim_ only passes by once more to announce his settled conviction that
+_Polwhistle's_ Christian name was Ernest and not Henry.
+
+It will be seen that the play is original in design; but it is also a true
+play of character revealed by circumstance. Further--and this is very
+rare--it owes nothing to the adventitious aid of the costumier. For the
+author's observation of the unities is extended to include the matter of
+dress; he allows his people one costume each and no more.
+
+Miss IRENE VANBRUGH played as if every one of her words had been made
+expressly for her, as, no doubt, they were. I have never seen her so
+perfect in detail, in the poise of her head, in her least gesture and
+intonation, in her swift changes of mood; never so quietly mistress of the
+_finesse_ of her art.
+
+As _Marden_, Mr. BEN WEBSTER was a little restless in a part for which he
+was not constitutionally suited, but played with the greatest courage and
+sincerity. Mr. DION BOUCICAULT'S study of _Mr. Pim_ was extraordinarily
+effective; and the way in which he made the attenuated pipings of this
+futile old gentleman carry like the notes of a bell was in itself a
+remarkable feat.
+
+These three were given great chances, full of colour. But in the part of
+_Brian Strange_, the boy-lover, by its nature relatively colourless, Mr.
+LESLIE HOWARD was hardly less good. He never made anything like a mistake
+of manner. I wish I could say the same of his flapper. But Miss COHAN
+asserted her good spirits a little too boisterously for the picture.
+
+I hope I shall not be suspected of partiality towards one of Mr. Punch's
+young men if I say that this is the best of the good things that Mr. MILNE
+has given us. As in his unacted play, _The Lucky One_, he gives evidence of
+a desire, not unfrequent in humourists, to be taken seriously. But he knows
+by now that brilliant dialogue is what is expected of him, and he thinks,
+too modestly, that he cannot afford to dispense with it for long at a time.
+The result is that, after stringing us up to face a tragic situation, he is
+tempted to let us down with light-hearted cynicisms. He would hate me to
+suggest that Mr. BERNARD SHAW has infected him, but perhaps he wouldn't
+mind my hinting at the influence of Sir JAMES BARRIE. Certainly his
+_Mardens_ remind me of the _Darlings_ in _Peter Pan_. Just as there we were
+invited alternately to weep for the bereaved mother's sorrow and roar over
+the bereaved father's buffooneries, so here, though not so disastrously,
+our hearts are torn between sympathy for the husband's real troubles and
+amusement at the wife's flippant attitude towards the common tragedy.
+
+I will not deny the sneaking pleasure which this flippancy gave me at the
+time, but in the light of calmer reflection I feel that Mr. MILNE would
+really have pleased himself better if he could have found the courage to
+keep the play on a serious note all through the interval between _Mr.
+Pim's_ first and second revelations. Apart from the higher question of
+sincerity he would have gained something, in an artistic sense, by getting
+a stronger contrast out of the change of situation that followed the
+announcement of Tellworthy's demise.
+
+In the First Act we seemed to have a little too much of the young couple,
+but this insistence was perhaps justified by the important part which their
+affairs subsequently played (along with the _leit-motif_ of the futuristic
+curtains) in the readjustment of the relations between husband and wife.
+
+If I have any flaw to find in a really charming play, I think it was a
+mistake for _Mrs. Marden_ to let _Mr. Pim_ into the secret of her past. As
+with the sweet influences of _Pippa_, so with the devastating havoc wrought
+by the inexactitudes of _Mr. Pim_, I think he should have been left
+unconscious of the effect of his passing.
+
+For the rest,
+
+  Mr. MILNE'S at his best--
+  All's right with the play!
+
+O.S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IT WAS UNFORTUNATE THAT BROWN HAD NOT FINISHED HIS
+MASTERPIECE, "THE SURRENDER OF THE GARRISON," BY THE TIME THE WAR CAME TO
+AN END.]
+
+[Illustration: HOWEVER, IT NEEDED VERY LITTLE ALTERATION TO MAKE IT
+SALEABLE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EUPHONIOUS ALIENS.
+
+(_A successful chamber concert has been given by three players, styling
+themselves "The Modern Trio," and named as under._)
+
+  You may search through all Europe from Nenagh to Nish
+  For such a delightfully-named coalish
+  As that of MANNUCCI and MELZAK and KRISH.
+
+  In MELZAK we note the Slavonic ambish;
+  MANNUCCI suggests an Italian dish,
+  And there's an exotic allurement in KRISH.
+
+  Their combined _cantilena's_ as soothing as squish;
+  'Twould have banished the madness of SAUL, son of KISH,
+  Had he listened to MELZAK, MANNUCCI and KRISH.
+
+  Their music, I gather, is wholly delish,
+  But their names are the thing that I specially wish
+  To applaud in MANNUCCI and MELZAK and KRISH.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE STRUGGLE FOR LIFE.
+
+    "FOR SALE.--Entire household, $200 cash."--_American Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER CRISIS.
+
+Whether it is due to war-weariness or not the fact remains that the British
+public view with apparent apathy the new crises which arise day by day to
+threaten their happiness and maybe to change the whole course of their
+life.
+
+Only a few mornings ago we read in _The Daily Chronicle_ the following
+momentous statement made by that newspaper's golf correspondent: "I'm told
+that the thirty-one pennyweight ball is doomed." Doomed! Yet, so far as
+could be observed in the demeanour of the pleasure-seekers in the Strand on
+the afternoon of that same day, things might have been exactly as they were
+the day before.
+
+We learn that the sub-committee investigating this matter of the thirty-one
+pennyweight ball have consulted both the manufacturers and the
+professionals. A ray of hope is given by the statement, made on good
+authority, that "the manufacturers have adopted a very reasonable
+attitude." The country should be grateful for this. But, on the other hand,
+"the professionals want full freedom in the selection of balls."
+
+To foster a false optimism at this juncture would be criminal, and it may
+as well be admitted at once that negotiations are proceeding with
+difficulty. As we go to press we learn that a protracted meeting, lasting
+from 2 P.M. until after midnight, has been held. The leader of the
+manufacturers, on emerging from the conference hall, was seen to look pale
+and exhausted. Pushing his way through the pressmen and photographers he
+said, "Boys, for the moment we are bunkered; we must employ the niblick.
+No, that is all I can tell you;" and he walked quickly away with his hand
+to his brow and muttering words seldom heard off the course.
+
+Equally grave, the organising secretary of the professionals was even less
+communicative, for he spoke in his native tongue, and the Scotsman among
+the reporters who undertook to translate his remarks was unfortunately
+unable to make himself understood.
+
+The PRIME MINISTER'S Private Secretary has issued to the Press a statement
+that Mr. LLOYD GEORGE is keeping in close touch with Walton Heath and the
+progress of events, but that at present no useful purpose would be served
+by Government interference.
+
+_The Daily Chronicle_ correspondent also announces that representatives of
+American golf are to visit St. Andrews in the Spring to discuss the
+question. We trust their visit may not be too late. If the problem is one
+that can be solved by dollars no doubt they will come well-equipped for
+enforcing American opinion on the British public. We can only hope that
+international relationships will not be strained by their deliberations;
+let there be a spirit of toleration and a recognition of the rights of
+small nations, and all may yet be well.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHY THE SPARROW LIVES IN THE TOWN.
+
+  In noisy towns, where traffic roars and rushes
+    And where the grimy streets are dark and narrow,
+  You never see the robins and the thrushes,
+    Nor hear their songs. Only the City sparrow
+  Chirps bravely and as cheerily as they,
+  Although his home is very far away.
+
+  He chirps of lanes, of far-off country places
+    (This is the sparrows' story that I'm telling);
+  Long, long ago they lived in sweet wide spaces;
+    Their homes were in the hedges, gay, green-smelling;
+  The people, though, came citywards to dwell;
+  "Then we," the sparrows said, "must go as well.
+
+  "Yes, we're the birds to go, for all our brothers
+    Would lose their songs in cities dark and crowdy;
+  Their hearts would break; but we're not like the others,
+    We cannot sing, our coats are drab and dowdy;
+  But we can chirp and chirp and chirp again;
+  The people shan't forget a country lane."
+
+  And so they came, and in all city-weathers
+    They chirped a note of cheer to exiles weary;
+  And _still_ the sparrows chirp, for their brown feathers
+    Hide now, as then, brave kindly hearts and cheery,
+  Of lanes they've never seen nor lived among,
+  Of country lanes they sing, the same old song.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "SIR ALBERT'S ELEVATION.--'Up, Stanley, up!'--_Shakespeare_ (amended)."
+    --_Sunday Pictorial._
+
+Great SCOTT (WALTER)!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Very attractive was the interior of the ---- Hall, when the Misses
+    ---- entertained a large number of their friends at an enjoyable dance.
+    Everything was 'conteur de pose.'"--_Australian Paper._
+
+It is very clear they weren't jazzing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE POST-WAR SPORTSMAN MAKES THE ACQUAINTANCE OF THE
+HUNTSMAN.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+_The Romance of Madame Tussaud's_ (ODHAMS) strikes one, in these days of
+universal reminiscence, almost as a _libre à faire_, certainly as a volume
+that finds its welcome waiting for it. I suppose there are few unhappy
+beings for whom the very name of that gifted lady does not revive something
+of the nursery magic that is never quite forgotten. All of which means that
+Mr. JOHN T. TUSSAUD, who has written, vivaciously and with obvious
+pleasure, this history of the famous show, is (I hope) assured beforehand
+of his sales. It is a fat record, taking the story from the earliest wax
+profiles made by Dr. CURTIUS for the Parisian aristocracy in the days
+before the Revolution; through the Terror, when his niece (afterwards
+Madame TUSSAUD) was employed to model notable heads from the basket of the
+guillotine, which was itself subsequently to figure amongst the attractions
+of her collection, and finally bringing the enterprising artist and her
+models to England and Baker Street, whence a comparatively recent move
+established them (the foundress in effigy only) in their present palace. I
+was especially interested to trace the evidence of close attention paid to
+the show by Mr. Punch, and in particular to learn that the title Chamber of
+Horrors was first invented by that observer; though the author falls into
+an obvious chronological inexactitude in ascribing to these pages a cartoon
+by CRUIKSHANK published "in November of Waterloo year." I have no space for
+the many queer stories, chiefly of encounters between the quick and the
+wax, with which the book abounds, nor for more than mention of its
+admirable photographs, of which I should have liked many more. Altogether
+it gives an unusual sidelight on the history of two Capitals; and
+incidentally, if the reading of it puts others in the same resolve as
+myself, an extra turn-stile will be needed in the Marylebone Road.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. HARRY TIGHE is something of a problem to me. With the best will in the
+world to appreciate what looked like unusual promise I can only regard him
+at present as one who is neglecting the good gifts of heaven in the pursuit
+apparently of some Jack-o'-lanthorn idea of popularity. No doubt you recall
+his first novel, _The Sheep Path_, a sincere and well-observed study of
+feminine temperament. This was followed by one that (though it had its
+friends) marked, to my thinking, a lamentable fall from grace. He has now
+published a third, _Day Dawn_ (WESTALL). Here, though popularity of a kind
+may be its reward, the work is still woefully beneath what should be Mr.
+TIGHE'S level. Certainly not one of the demands of the circulating
+libraries is unfulfilled. We have a fair-haired heroine (victim to
+cocaine), a dark and villainous foreigner, a dashing hero, a middle-aged
+woman who adores him despite the presence of her husband, himself called
+throughout _Baron Brinthall_, a style surely more common in pantomimic
+circles than in the drawing-rooms of Mayfair; and the incidents embrace
+both murder and suicide. Moreover there is "plenty of conversation," and
+the intrigue moves sufficiently quickly (if jerkily) to keep one curious
+about the next page. But having very willingly admitted so much I return to
+my contention, that for Mr. TIGHE to neglect his sensitive and delicate art
+for the antics of these tawdry dolls is to betray both himself and the
+craft of which he may still become a distinguished exponent.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From the official who is interested in officialdom to the Infantry officer
+who is interested in tactics, from the mechanical expert who can appreciate
+the technical details of diagrams to the child who revels in faultless
+photographs of hair-raising monsters ("I may read it, mother, mayn't I,
+when I've unstickied my fingers?" was the way I heard it put), everybody, I
+think, will find plenty to attract him in Sir ALBERT STERN'S finely
+illustrated _Tanks 1914-1918_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON). Tanks were born at
+Lincoln, and rightly so, for did not OLIVER CROMWELL'S Ironsides mostly
+come from this region?--and the main theme of this book is to show how much
+more formidable an obstacle they found in the files and registries of
+Whitehall than in the trenches and wire-entanglements of Flanders and
+France. Parents they had and sponsors innumerable. Practical soldiers and
+engineers were enthusiastic about them, and the Bosch quaked in his
+trenches or ran; but even so late as the autumn of 1917, after General FOCH
+(as he was then) had said, "You must make quantities and quantities; we
+must fight mechanically," one stout little company of obscurantists bravely
+defied the creed of Juggernaut until the irresistible logic of its
+successes in the field crushed them remorselessly under the "creeping
+grip." And that company, of course, according to Sir ALBERT STERN, was the
+British War Office.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Let me commend to you _The Mask_ (METHUEN) as a craftsmanlike essay in
+imaginative realism; ruthlessly candid and self-revealing, but free from
+that tiresome obsession of the ultra-realists that everything that has ever
+happened is equally important in retrospect. The narrator, _Vanya
+Gombarov_, a Russian Jew, discourses reflectively and detachedly, as it
+were from behind a mask, to an English artist friend about his early
+childhood in his own land and the dismal adventures of the _Gombarov_
+family in that underworld of exploited and miserable aliens which is one of
+the root social problems of America. Very poignantly Mr. JOHN COURNOS makes
+you understand the import of the phrase so constantly on the lips of such
+victims of their own credulous hopes of El Dorado--"Woe to COLUMBUS!" The
+portrait of _Vanya's_ stepfather, brilliant, magnanimous, pursued by an
+Æschylean malignity of destiny, fills much of the foreground and is a quite
+masterly piece of work. One cannot be wrong in assuming this to be
+essential autobiography; there is a passionate conviction as of things
+intimately seen and dreadfully suffered. Such material might well have
+tempted to a mere piling of squalor upon squalor. A fine discretion has
+given a noble dignity to a record through which shines the unquenchable
+human spirit. One passage, full of affectionate discernment about London,
+will cause a flicker of just pride in everyone who is authentic Cockney,
+whether by birth or adoption. A big book of its kind, I dare assert.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Star of India_ (CASSELL) is what Mrs. ALICE PERRIN calls her latest novel,
+a title so good that I can only wonder why (or perhaps whether) it has not
+been used before. Inside also I found excellent entertainment. One supposes
+the author to have been confronted with two main problems with regard to
+her plot--how to make sufficiently plausible the marriage between a flapper
+(if you will forgive the odious word) of seventeen and a middle-ageing
+Anglo-Indian; and, secondly, how to impart any touch of novelty to the
+inevitable catastrophe that must attend this union. The first she has
+managed by a very cunning suggestion of the mingled jealousy, curiosity and
+boredom that drove _Stella_ into the arms of her elderly suitor; the second
+by a variety of devices, to indicate which would be to give away the whole
+intrigue--one, I may say, whose climax is not nearly so visible from afar
+as that of most triangle tales. One point only I will reveal: Mrs. PERRIN
+has had the courage, while vindicating her own common-sense judgment upon
+such folk, to introduce a second girl, daughter and pupil of one of the
+spoon-fed idealists who would govern India with the platitudes of
+ignorance, and not only to make her sympathetic, but to convince me of her
+attractions, which (especially just now) was not easy work. Decidedly a
+first-rate yarn.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+We may, I think, take it that the love-story in _The Gunroom_ (BLACK) is
+fiction pure and naively simple, but that the experiences of _John
+Lynwood_, the hero, in the Navy are given as the actual experiences of Mr.
+C.L. MORGAN, the author. Let me then at once say that his revelations of
+the bullying of junior by senior midshipmen go back to a period before the
+War. These "shakings," we are asked to believe, were due partly to custom
+and partly to boredom caused by lack of leave. If Mr. MORGAN is correct
+both in his facts and surmises it is satisfactory to think that the War
+must have obliterated the boredom which provoked such excesses, and one
+need not be a fanatical opponent of physical punishment to hope that such
+forms of tyranny will never again be tolerated as a matter of custom. I am
+obliged to conclude that these incidents in _Lynwood's_ career are
+absolutely true, for certainly nothing less than absolute truth could
+excuse their appearance in print; but at the same time I must confess that
+any attack upon our Navy is apt with me to act as an irritant. The more
+reason that I should honestly admit Mr. MORGAN'S merits and say that he
+writes with a nice sense of style, and that his book does not derive its
+only interest from its revelations.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: OUR LAUNDRIES: THE COLLAR-FINISHER.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HUNTING EXTRAORDINARY.
+
+"GOOD SPORT WITH THE HOLDERNESS.
+
+    "A stout ox led the field into Bilton village."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RÉCHAUFFÉS FOR CANNIBALS.
+
+    "A company, numbering over 80, sat down to dinner, the host and hostess
+    (Mr. and Mrs. ----) proving, as usual, a first-class menu."--_Local
+    Paper._
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+158, JANUARY 14, 1920***
+
+
+******* This file should be named 16107-8.txt or 16107-8.zip *******
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