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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1,
+November 6, 1841,, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, November 6, 1841,
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14935]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 1.
+
+
+
+FOR THE WEEK ENDING NOVEMBER 6, 1841.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A DAY-DREAM AT MY UNCLE'S.
+
+The result of a serious conversation between the authors of my being ended
+in the resolution that it was high time for me to begin the world, and do
+something for myself. The only difficult problem left for them to solve
+was, in what way I had better commence. One would have thought the world
+had nothing in its whole construction but futile beginnings and most
+unsatisfactory methods of doing for one's self. Scheme after scheme was
+discussed and discarded; new plans were hot-beds for new doubts; and
+impossibilities seemed to overwhelm every succeeding though successless
+suggestion. At the critical moment when it appeared perfectly clear to me
+either that I was fit for nothing or nothing was fit for me, the
+authoritative "rat-tat" of the general postman closed the argument, and
+for a brief space distracted the intense contemplations of my bewildered
+parents.
+
+"Good gracious!" "Well, I never!" "Who'd ha' thought it?" and various
+other disjointed mutterings escaped my father, forming a sort of running
+commentary upon the document under his perusal. Having duly devoured the
+contents, he spread the sheet of paper carefully out, re-wiped his
+spectacles, and again commenced the former all-engrossing subject.
+
+"Tom, my boy, you are all right, and this will do for you. Here's a letter
+from your uncle Ticket."
+
+I nodded in silence.
+
+"Yes, sir," continued my father, with increasing emphasis and peculiar
+dignity, "Ticket--the great Ticket--the greatest"--
+
+"Pawnbroker in London," said I, finishing the sentence.
+
+"Yes, sir, he is; and what of that?"
+
+"Nothing further; I don't much like the trade, but"--
+
+"But he's your uncle, sir. It's a glorious money-making business. He
+offers to take you as an apprentice. Nancy, my love, pack up this lad's
+things, and start him off by the mail to-morrow. Go to bed, Tom."
+
+So the die was cast! The mail was punctual; and I was duly delivered to
+Ticket--the great Ticket--my maternal, and everybody else's undefinable,
+uncle. Duly equipped in glazed calico sleeves, and ditto apron, I took my
+place behind the counter. But as it was discovered that I had a peculiar
+_penchant_ for giving ten shillings in exchange for gilt sixpences, and
+encouraging all sorts of smashing by receiving counterfeit crowns,
+half-crowns, and shillings, I received a box on the ear, and a positive
+command to confine myself to the up-stairs, or "top-of-the-spout
+department" for the future. Here my chief duties were to deposit such
+articles as progressed up that wooden shaft in their respective places,
+and by the same means transmit the "redeemed" to the shop below. This was
+but dull work, and in the long dreary evenings, when partial darkness (for
+I was allowed no candle) seemed to invite sleep, I frequently fell into a
+foggy sort of mystified somnolency--the partial prostration of my
+corporeal powers being amply compensated by the vague wanderings of
+indistinct imagination.
+
+In these dozing moods some of the parcels round me would appear not only
+imbued with life, but, like the fabled animals of Æsop, blessed with the
+gift of tongues. Others, though speechless, would conjure up a vivid train
+of breathing tableaux, replete with their sad histories. That tiny relic,
+half the size of the small card it is pinned upon, swells like the
+imprisoned genie the fisherman released from years of bondage, and the
+shadowy vapour takes once more a form. From the small circle of that
+wedding ring, the tear-fraught widow and the pallid orphan, closely dogged
+by Famine and Disease, spring to my sight. That brilliant tiara opens the
+vista of the rich saloon, and shows the humbled pride of the titled
+hostess, lying excuses for her absent gems. The flash contents of that
+bright yellow handkerchief shade forth the felon's bar; the daring burglar
+eyeing with confidence the counsel learned in the law's defects, fee'd by
+its produce to defend its quondam owner. The effigies of Pride,
+Extravagance, honest Distress, and reckless Plunder, all by turns usurp
+the scene. In my last waking sleep, just as I had composed myself in
+delicious indolence, a parcel fell with more than ordinary force on one
+beneath. These were two of my talking friends. I stirred not, but sat
+silently to listen to their curious conversation, which I now proceed to
+give verbatim.
+
+_Parcel fallen upon_.--"What the d--l are you?"
+
+_Parcel that fell_.--"That's my business."
+
+"Is it? I rather think its mine, though. Why don't you look where you're
+going?"
+
+"How can I see through three brown papers and a rusty black silk
+handkerchief?"
+
+"Ain't there a hole in any of 'em?"
+
+"No."
+
+"That's a pity; but when you've been here as long as I have, the moths
+will help you a bit."
+
+"Will they?"
+
+"Certainly."
+
+"I hope not."
+
+"Hope if you like; but you'll find I'm right."
+
+"I trust I didn't hurt you much."
+
+"Not very. Bless you, I'm pretty well used to ill-treatment now. You've
+only rubbed the pile of my collar the wrong way, just as that awkward
+black rascal would brush me."
+
+"Bless me! I think I know your voice."
+
+"Somehow, I think I know yours."
+
+"You ain't Colonel Tomkins, are you?"
+
+"No."
+
+"Nor Count Castor?"
+
+"No."
+
+"Then I'm in error."
+
+"No you're not. I was the Colonel once; then I became the Count by way of
+loan; and then I came here--as he said by mistake."
+
+"Why, my dear fellow, I'm delighted to speak to you. How did you wear?"
+
+"So-so."
+
+"When I first saw you, I thought you the handsomest Petersham in town.
+Your velvet collar, cuffs, and side-pockets, were superb; and when you
+were the Colonel, upon my life you were the sweetest cut thing about the
+waist and tails I ever walked with."
+
+"You flatter me."
+
+"Upon my honour, no."
+
+"Well, I can return the compliment; for a blue, with chased buttons and
+silk lining, you beat anything I ever had the honour of meeting. But I
+suppose, as you are here, you are not the Cornet now?"
+
+"Alas! no."
+
+"May I ask why?"
+
+"Certainly. His scoundrel of a valet disgraced his master's cloth and me
+at the same time. The villain went to the Lowther Arcade--took me with him
+by force. Fancy my agony; literally accessory to handing ices to
+milliners' apprentices and staymakers; and when the wretch commenced
+quadrilling it, he dos-a-dos'd me up against a fat soap-boiler's wife, in
+filthy three-turned-and-dyed common satin."
+
+"Scoundrel!"
+
+"Rascal! But he was discovered--he reeled home drunk. _I_, that is, as
+it's known, _we_ make the men. The Cornet saw him, and thrashed him
+soundly with a three-foot Crowther."
+
+"That must have been delightful to your feelings."
+
+"Not very."
+
+"Why not? revenge is sweet."
+
+"So it is; but as the Cornet forgot to order him to take me off, I got the
+worst of the drubbing. I was dreadfully cut about. Two buttons fearfully
+lacerated--nothing but the shanks left."
+
+"How did it end?"
+
+"The valet mentioned something about wages and assault warrants, so I was
+given to him to make the matter up. Between you and I, the Cornet was very
+hard up."
+
+"Indeed!"
+
+"Certain of it. You remember the French-grey trousers we used to walk out
+with--those he strapped so tight over the remarkably chatty and pleasant
+French-polished boots whose broken English we used to admire so much?"
+
+"Of course I do; they were the most charming greys I ever met. They beat
+the plaids into fits; and the plaids were far from ungentlemanly, only
+they would always talk with a sham Scotch accent, and quote the 'Cotter's
+Saturday Night.'"
+
+"Certainly that was a drawback. But to return to our friends, and the
+Cornet's friends, they must have been bad, for those very greys were
+seated."
+
+"Impossible!"
+
+"Fact, I assure you. My tails were pinned over the patch for three weeks."
+
+"How did they bear it?"
+
+"Shockingly. A general break up of the constitution--went all to pieces.
+First, decay appeared in the brace buttons; then the straps got out of
+order. They did say it was owing to the heels of the French-polished boots
+going down on one side, but the boots would never admit it."
+
+"How did you get here?"
+
+"I came from the Bench for eggs and bacon for the Cornet and his Valet's
+breakfast! What brought you?"
+
+"The Count's landlady, for a week's rent."
+
+"What did you fetch?"
+
+"A guinea!"
+
+"Bless me, you must have worn well."
+
+"No; hold your tongue--I think I shall die with laughing,--ha! ha!--When
+they took me in, I returned the compliment. I've been--"
+
+"What?"
+
+"Cuffed and collared!"
+
+"Ha! ha! ha! ha!" shouted both coats; and "Ha! ha!" shouted I; "And I'll
+teach you to 'ha! ha!' and neglect your business" shouted the Governor;
+and the reality of a stunning box on the ear dispelled the illusion of my
+"Day-dream at my Uncle's."
+
+FUSBOS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"BLOW GENTLE BREEZE."
+
+The Reverend Henry _Snow_, M.A., has been inducted by the Bishop of
+Gloucester, to the Vicarage of Sherborne cum _Windrush_.
+
+  From Glo'ster _see_, a _windrush_ came, and lo!
+  On Sherborne Vicarage it drifted _Snow_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE.
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII.
+
+SHOWS WHAT'S AFTER A PARTY, AND WHAT'S IN A NAME.
+
+
+[Illustration: U]Undoubtedly on the following day 24 Pleasant-terrace was
+the most uncomfortable place in the universe. Some one has said that
+wherever Pleasure is, Pain is certain not to be far off; and the truth of
+the allegory is never better exemplified than on the day after "a most
+delightful party." We can only compare it to the morning succeeding a
+victory by which the conqueror has gained a great deal of glory at a very
+considerable expenditure of _matériel_. Let us accompany the mistress of
+the house as she proceeds from room to room, to ascertain the damage done
+by the enemy upon the furniture and decorations. A light damask curtain is
+found to have been saturated with port wine; a ditto chair-cushion has
+been doing duty as a dripping-pan to a cluster of wax-lights; a china
+shepherdess, having been brought into violent collision with the tail of a
+raging lion on the mantel-piece, has reduced the noble beast to the
+short-cut condition of a Scotch colley. A broken candle has perversely
+fallen the only way in which it could have done any damage, and has thrown
+the quicksilver on the back of a large looking-glass into an alarming
+state of eruption. The return of "cracked and broken" presents a fearful
+list of smashage and fracture: _the best_ tea-set is rendered unfit for
+active service, being minus two saucers, a cup-handle, and a milk-jug; the
+green and gold dessert-plates have been frightfully reduced in numbers;
+two fiddle-handle spoons are completely _hors de combat_, having been
+placed under the legs of the supper-table to keep it steady; seven
+straw-stemmed wine-glasses awfully shattered during the
+"three-times-three" discharge in honour of the toast of the Heir of
+Applebites; four cut tumblers injured past recovery in a fit of
+"entusymusy" by four young gentlemen who were accidentally left by
+themselves in the supper-room; eighteen silver-plated dessert-knives
+reduced to the character of saws, by a similar number of "nice fellows"
+who were endeavouring to do the agreeable with the champagne, and
+consequently could distinguish no difference between wire and
+grape-stalks. The destruction in the kitchen had been equally great: the
+extra waiter had placed his heel on a ham-sandwich, and, consequently, sat
+down rather hurriedly on the floor with a large tray of sundries in his
+lap, the result of which was, according to the following
+
+    OFFICIAL RETURN,
+
+    Two decanters         starred;
+    One salt-cellar       smithereened;
+    Four tumblers         cracked uncommonly;
+    An extra waiter       many bruises, and fractured pantaloons.
+
+The day after a party is certain to be a sloppy day; and as the
+street-door is constantly being opened and shut, a raw, rheumatical wind
+is ever in active operation. Both these miseries were consequent upon the
+Applebite festivities, and Agamemnon saw a series of catarrhs enter the
+house as the rout-stools made their exit. He was quite right; for the next
+fortnight neck-of-mutton broth was the standard bill of fare, only varied
+by tea, gruel, and toast-and-water.
+
+There is no evil without its attendant good; and the temporary
+imprisonment of the Applebite family induced them to consider the
+propriety of naming the infant heir, for hitherto he had been called "the
+cherub," "the sweet one," "the mother's duck of the world," and "daddy's
+darling." Several names had been suggested by the several friends and
+relatives of the family, but nothing decisive had been agreed to.
+
+Agamemnon wished his heir to be called Isaac, after his grandfather, the
+member for Puddingbury, "in the hope," as he expressed himself, "that he
+might in after years be stimulated to emulate the distinguished talents
+and virtues of his great ancestor." (Overruled by Mrs. Waddledot, Mrs.
+Applebite, and the rest of the ladies. Isaac declared vulgar, except in
+the case of the member for Puddingbury.)
+
+Mrs. Waddledot was anxious that the boy should be christened Roger de
+Dickey, after her mother's great progenitor, who was said to have come
+over with William the Conqueror, but whether in the capacity of a lacquey
+or a lord-in-waiting was never, and perhaps never will be, determined.
+(Opposed by Agamemnon, on the ground that ill-natured people would be sure
+to dispense with the De, and his heir would be designated as Roger Dickey.
+In this opinion Mrs. Applebite concurred.)
+
+The lady-mother was still more perplexing; she proposed that he should be
+called--
+
+ALBERT (we give her own reasons)--because the Queen's husband was so
+named.
+
+AGAMEMNON--because of the alliteration and his papa.
+
+DAVIS--because an old maiden lady who was independent had said that she
+thought it a good name for a boy, as her own was Davis.
+
+MONTAGUE--because it was a nice-sounding name, and the one she intended to
+address him by in general conversation.
+
+COLLUMPSION--as her papa.
+
+PHIPPS--because she had had a dream in which a number of bags or gold were
+marked P.H.I.P.P.S.; and
+
+APPLEBITE--as a matter of course.
+
+(Objected to by Mrs. Waddledot, for--nothing in particular, and by
+Agamemnon on the score of economy. The heir being certain to employ a
+lawyer, would be certain to pay an enormous interest in that way alone.)
+
+Friends were consulted, but without any satisfactory result; and at length
+it was agreed that the names should be written upon strips of paper and
+drawn by the nominees. The necessary arrangements being completed, the
+three proceeded to the ballot.
+
+    Mrs. Waddledot  drew  Isaac.
+    Agamemnon       drew  Roger de Dickey.
+    Mrs. Applebite  drew  Phipps.
+
+As a matter of course everybody was dissatisfied; but with a "stern
+virtue" everybody kept it to themselves, and the heir was accordingly
+christened Isaac Roger de Dickey Phipps Applebite.
+
+Old John soon realised Agamemnon's fears of Mrs. Waddledot's selection,
+for, whether the patronym of the Norman invader was more in accordance
+with his own ideas of propriety, or was more readily suggestive to his
+mind of the infant heir, he was continually speaking of little master
+Dicky; and upon being remonstrated with upon the subject promised
+amendment for the future. All, however, was of no use, for John jumbled
+the Phipps, the Roger, the Dickey, and the De together, but always
+contriving most perversely to
+
+[Illustration: "PUT THE CART BEFORE THE HORSE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A SCANDALOUS REPORT.
+
+We are requested to contradict, by authority, the report that Colonel
+Sibthorp was the Guy Fawkes seen in Parliament-street. It is true that a
+deputation waited upon him to solicit him to take the chair on the 5th of
+November, but the gallant Colonel modestly declined, much to the
+disappointment of the young gentlemen who presented the requisition; so
+much so indeed, that, after exhausting their oratorical powers, they
+slightly hinted at having recourse to
+
+[Illustration: PHYSICAL FORCE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"ROB ME THE EXCHEQUER, HAL."
+
+  No wonder Smith Exchequer Bills,
+  Should have a _taste_ for gorging,
+  For since the work the pocket fills,
+  What _Smith_'s averse to _forging_?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE FIRE AT THE TOWER.
+
+This is a sad business, there is no doubt, and the excitement which
+prevailed may probably excuse the eccentricities that occurred, and to
+which we beg leave to call the public attention.
+
+In the first place, by way of ensuring the safety of the property,
+precautions were taken to shut out every one from the building; and as
+military rule knows of no exception, the orders given were executed to the
+letter by preventing the ingress of the firemen with their engines until
+the general order of exclusion was followed by a countermand. This of
+course took time, leaving the fire to devour at its leisure the enormous
+meal that fate had prepared for it.
+
+After the admission of the firemen there was the usual mishap of no water
+where it could be got at, but an abundant supply where there was no
+possibility of reaching it. The tanks which the hose could be got into
+were almost dry, while the Thames was in the most provoking way almost
+overflowing its banks in the very neighbourhood of the fire; and yet, if
+the pipes were laid on to the water, they were laid off too far from the
+building to have the least effect upon it.
+
+The next eccentricity consisted in the sudden idea that suggested itself
+to somebody, that all energy should be devoted to saving the jewels, which
+were not in the smallest danger, and even if they had been, there was
+nobody knew how to get at them, the key being some miles off in the
+possession of the Lord Chamberlain. It might as well have been at the
+bottom of the Thames; and, of course, everybody began tugging at the iron
+bars, which were at length forced, and the jewels were, at a great cost of
+time and trouble, removed _to a place of safety_ from _a position of the
+most perfect security!!_ However, this showed activity if nothing else,
+and of course made the subject of paragraphs about "presence of mind,"
+"indefatigable exertions," and "superhuman efforts" on the part of certain
+persons who, for the good they were doing, might just as well have been
+carrying the piece of artillery in St. James's Park into the enclosure
+opposite.
+
+While the jewels were being hurried from one part of the Tower, where they
+were quite safe, to another where they were not more so, it never occurred
+to any one to rescue from danger the arms, which were being quietly
+consumed, while the crown and regalia were being jolted about with the
+most injurious activity.
+
+The treatment of some of the reporters was another curious point of this
+melancholy business; and a gentleman from a weekly journal, on applying at
+head-quarters, found his own head suddenly quartered by a blow from a
+musket. This was rather unceremonious treatment on the part of the
+privates of the line to a person who is also
+
+[Illustration: ATTACHED TO THE LINE.]
+
+--the penny-a-line we mean; but with a true _gusto_ for accidents, and a
+relish for calamities, which nothing could subdue, he still pressed
+forward, with blood streaming from his fractured skull, for additional
+particulars. The American reporter whose hand was blown off, and had the
+good fortune to be upon the spot, is not to be compared with the hero who
+had the exclusive advantage of being able to supply practical information
+of the ruffianly conduct pursued by the soldiery.
+
+It is not stated whether the fire-escape was on the spot; but as no one
+lived in the building that was burnt, it is highly probable that every
+effort was made to save the lives of the inhabitants. There is no doubt
+that the ladder was strenuously directed towards the clock tower, with the
+view, probably, of saving the "jolly cock" who used to adorn the top of
+it.
+
+The reporters mark as a miracle the extraordinary fact, that during the
+whole time of the fire, the weathercock continued to vary with the wind.
+The gentlemen of the press, probably, expected that the awful solemnity of
+the scene would have rendered any man, not entirely lost to every sense of
+feeling, completely motionless. The apathy of the weathercock that went on
+whirling about as if nothing had happened, is in the highest degree
+disgusting, and we can scarcely regret the fate of such an unfeeling
+animal.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PLEASE TO REMEMBER THE FIFTH OF NOVEMBER.
+
+November, that month of fires, fogs, _felo de ses_, and Fawkes, has been
+ushered in with becoming ceremony at the Tower and at various other parts
+of the metropolis. In vain has an Act of Parliament been passed for the
+suppression of bonfires--November asserts her rights, and will have her
+modicum of "flare up" in spite of the law; but with the trickery of an Old
+Bailey barrister she has thrown the onus upon October. Nor is this all!
+Like a traitorous Eccalobeion she has already hatched several
+conspiracies, as though everybody now thought of getting rid of others or
+themselves.
+
+The Right Hon. Spring-heel Rice Baron Jamescrow, commonly known as the
+Lord Monteagle, has, like his historical synonym, been favoured with a
+communication which being considerably beyond his own comprehension, he
+has in a laudable spirit submitted it to Punch--an evidence of wisdom
+which we really did not expect from our friend Baron Jamescrow.
+
+We subjoin the introductory epistle--
+
+    DEAR PUNCH,--I hasten to forward you the awful letter enclosed--we
+    are all abroad here concerning it--by the bye, how are you all at
+    home--to say the least, it certainly does look very ugly. Mrs. P.,
+    I hope, has improved in appearance. Something terrible is
+    evidently about to happen. I intend to pay you a visit shortly. I
+    trust we may not have to encounter any more Guys--you may expect
+    to see me on my Friday. I can only add my prayers for the nation's
+    safety and my compliments to Mrs. Punch and the young P.s.
+
+    Yours ever,
+
+    MONTEAGLE.
+
+    P.S. Let me have your advice and your last Number immediately I
+    have made a few notes, and paid the postage.
+
+The following is the letter referred to by the Baron Jamescrow:--
+
+    MY LORD,--Being known to some of your friends I would advise you,
+    as you tender your peace and quiet, to devise some excuse to shift
+    off your attendance at your house (clearly the House of
+    Lords--_Monteagle_), for fire and brimstone have united to destroy
+    the enemies of man (evidently gunpowder, lucifer-matches, and the
+    Peers--_Monteagle_). Think not lightly of my advertisement (see
+    _Dispatch_), but retire yourself in the country (I should think I
+    would--_Monteagle_), where you may abide in safety; for though
+    there be no appearance of any _punæ_; (what the deuce does this
+    mean? Puny's little--_Monteagle_), yet they will receive a
+    terrible blow-up (By punæ he means members of Parliament, and he
+    _is_ another Guy!--_Monteagle_); yet they shall not see who hurts
+    them, though the place shall be purified and the enemy completely
+    destroyed.
+
+    I am, your Lordship's servant,
+
+    and destroyer to her Majesty and the two Houses of Parliament.
+
+    T.I.F. Fin.
+
+We are surprised at our friend Monteagle troubling us with a matter
+evidently as plain as the nose on our own face. It requires neither a
+Solon nor a Punch to solve the enigma. It is merely a letter from Tiffin,
+the bug destroyer to her Majesty, and refers to his peculiar plan of
+persecuting the _punæ_.
+
+We have no doubt that Lords and Commons will be blown up on the
+re-assembling of Parliament; and as an assurance that we do not speak upon
+conjecture only, we beg to subjoin a portrait of the delinquent.
+
+[Illustration: THE MODERN GUY VAUX.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE RIVAL CANDIDATES.
+
+Be not afraid, gentle reader, that, from the title of our present article,
+we are about to prescribe for you any political draught. No! be assured
+that we know as little about politics as pyrotechny--that we are as
+blissfully ignorant of all that relates to the science of government as
+that of gastronomy--and have ever since our boyhood preferred the solid
+consistency of gingerbread to the crisp insipidity of parliament. The
+candidates of whom we write were no would-be senators--no sprouting
+Ciceros or embryo Demosthenes'--they were no aspirants for the grand
+honour of representing the honest and independent stocks and stones of
+some ancient rotten borough, or, what is about the same thing, the
+enlightened ten-pound voters of some modern reformed one--they were not
+ambitious of the proud privilege of appending for seven years two letters
+to their names, and of franking some half-dozen others _per diem_. No! the
+rivals who form the theme of our present paper were emulous of obtaining
+no place in Parliament, but, what is far more desirable, a place in the
+affections of a lovely maid. They sought not for the suffrages of the
+unwashed, but for the smiles of a fair one,--they neither desired to be
+returned as the representative of so many sordid voters for the term of
+seven years (a term of transportation common alike to M.P.s and
+pickpockets), but for the more permanent honour of being elected as the
+partner of a certain lady for life.
+
+Georgiana Gray was the lovely object of the rivalry of the above
+candidates; and a damsel more eminently qualified to be the innocent cause
+of contention could not be found within the whole catalogue of those dear
+destructive little creatures who, from Eve downwards, have always
+possessed a peculiar patent for mischief-making. Georgiana was as handsome
+as she was rich. She was, in the superlative sense of the word, a beauty,
+and--what ought to be written in letters of gold--an heiress. She had the
+figure of a sylph, and the purse of a nabob. Her face was lovely and
+animated enough to enrapture a Raffaelle, and her fortune ample enough to
+captivate a Rothschild. She had a clear rent-roll of 20,000l. per
+annum,--and a pair of eyes that, independent of her other attractions,
+were sufficiently fascinating to seduce Diogenes himself into matrimony.
+
+Philosophers generally affirm that the only substance capable of producing
+a magnetic effect is steel; but had they been witnesses of the great
+attraction that the fortune of our fair heroine had for its many eager
+pursuers, they would doubtless have agreed with us that the metal
+possessing the greatest possible power of magnetism is decidedly--gold.
+Innumerable were the butterflies that were drawn towards the lustre of
+the lovely Georgiana's money; and many a suitor, who set a high value upon
+his personal qualifications, might be found at her side endeavouring to
+persuade its pretty possessor of the eligible investment that might be
+made of the property in himself. Report, however, had invidiously declared
+that Georgiana looked with a cold and contemptuous eye upon the addresses
+of all save two.
+
+Augustus Peacock and Julius Candy (this enviable duo) were two such young
+men as may be met with in herds any fine afternoon publishing their
+persons to the frequenters of Regent-street. They did credit to their
+tailors, who were liberal enough to give them credit in return. Their
+coats were guiltless of a wrinkle, their gloves immaculate in their
+chastity, and their boots resplendent in their brilliancy. Indeed they
+were human annuals--splendidly bound, handsomely embellished--but replete
+with nothing but fashionable frivolities. They never ventured out till
+such time as they imagined the streets were well-aired, and were never
+known to indulge in an Havannah till twelve o'clock P.M. They were
+scrupulous in their attentions to the Opera and the figurantes, and had no
+objection to wear the chains of matrimony provided the links were made of
+gold. In fine, they were of that common genus of gentlemen who lounge
+through life, and leave nothing behind them but a tombstone and a small
+six-shilling advertisement amongst the Deaths of some morning newspaper as
+a record of their having existed.
+
+Such were the persons and the qualifications of the gentlemen to whom
+report had assigned the possession of the hand and fortune of the fair
+Georgiana Gray. But, happy as they respectively felt to be thus singled
+out for the proud distinction, still the knowledge of there being a rival
+in the field to dispute the glories of the conquest materially detracted
+from that feeling. They had each heard of the pretensions of the other;
+and while the peace of the one was repeatedly disturbed by the panegyrics
+of Mr. P., the harmony of the other met with an equal violation from the
+eulogies of Mr. C.; and although their respective vanities would not allow
+them to believe that the lady in question could be so deficient in taste
+as to prefer any other person to their precious selves, still it was but
+natural that they should neither look upon the other with any other
+feeling than that of disgust at the egregious impudence, and contempt for
+the superlative conceit, that could lead any other man to enter the lists
+as an opponent to themselves. Repeatedly had Mr. P. been heard to express
+his desire to lengthen the olfactory organ of Mr. C.; while the latter had
+frequently been known to declare that nothing would confer greater
+gratification upon him than to endorse with his cane the person of Mr. P.
+In fact, they hated each other with all possible cordiality. Fortunately,
+however, circumstances had never brought them into collision.
+
+It was a lovely afternoon in May. All the world were returning to town.
+Georgiana Gray had just forsaken Harrowgate and its waters, to participate
+in the thickening gaieties of the metropolis. Augustus Peacock had
+abandoned the moors of Scotland for the beauties of Almack's; and Julius
+Candy had hastened from the banks of the Wye for the fascinations of
+Taglioni and the Opera.
+
+The first object of Augustus on returning to town was to hasten and pay
+his devoirs to _his_ intended. With this intent he proceeded to the
+mansion of Georgiana, and was ushered into the drawing-room, with the
+assurance that the lady would be with him immediately. The servant,
+however, had no sooner quitted the apartment than Mr. Candy, actuated by a
+similar motive, knocked at the door, and was speedily conducted into the
+presence of his rival.
+
+The two gentlemen, being mutually ignorant of the person of the other,
+bowed with all the formality usual to a first introduction.
+
+"Fine day, sir," said Augustus Peacock, after a short pause, little aware
+that he was holding communion with his rival.
+
+"It is--very fine, sir," returned Julius Candy with a smile, which, had he
+been conscious of the person he was addressing, would instantly have been
+converted into a most contemptuous sneer.
+
+"Have you had the pleasure of seeing Miss Gray, sir, since her return from
+Harrowgate?" inquired Augustus, with the soft civility of a man of
+fashion.
+
+"No,--I have not yet had that honour, sir; no,"--replied Julius, with a
+slight inclination of his body.
+
+"Charming girl, sir," remarked Mr. Peacock.
+
+"Fascinating creature," responded Mr. Candy.
+
+"Did you ever see _such_ eyes, sir?" continued Mr. P.
+
+"Never! 'pon my honour! never!"--exclaimed Julius, in a tone of moderate
+enthusiasm. "You may call _them_ eyes, sir," and here he elevated his own.
+
+"And what lips?"
+
+"Positively provoking!"
+
+"Ah, sir!" languishingly remarked Augustus, "he will be a happy may who
+gets possession of such a treasure!"
+
+"He will, indeed, sir," returned his unknown rival, with an air of
+self-satisfaction, as if he believed that happiness was likely to be his
+own.
+
+"You are aware, I suppose, sir," proceeded the communicative Mr. Peacock,
+"that there is a certain party whom Miss Gray looks upon with particular
+favour"--and the gentleman, to give peculiar emphasis to the remark,
+slightly elevated his cravat.
+
+"I should think I ought to be"--pointedly returned Mr. C.--simpering
+somewhat diffidently at the idea that the observation was levelled at
+himself.
+
+The two rivals looked at each other, tittered, and bowed.
+
+"Ah! yes--I dare say--observed it, no doubt!" said Augustus, when his
+emotion had subsided.
+
+"Why, yes--I should have been blind indeed could I have failed to remark
+it," responded Julius.
+
+"Ah yes--you're right--yes--Miss Gray's attentions have been particularly
+marked, certainly--yes."
+
+"They have been, sir, very, _very_ marked--she's quite taken, poor thing,
+I believe!"
+
+"Yes, poor creature!--sadly smitten indeed!--The lady has confessed as
+much to you perhaps, sir?"
+
+Mr. Candy looked surprised at the remark of his companion, and replied
+"Why really, sir, that is a question which"--
+
+"Ah, yes, I beg pardon, I was wrong--yes, I ought to have considered--but
+candidly, sir, what do you think of the match?"
+
+"'Pon my honour, my dear sir," exclaimed Julius most feelingly, colouring
+slightly at the question, which he thought was rather home-thrust.
+
+"Ah, yes, to be sure, it is rather a delicate question, considering, you
+know, that one is in the presence of the party himself, is it not?"
+
+"Very, _very_ delicate, I can assure you," said Julius, who, "laying the
+flattering unction to his soul" that he was the party alluded to, thought
+it rather an indelicate one.
+
+Augustus observed the embarrassment of his companion, and could not
+refrain from laughter, and turning round to his companion, enquired
+significantly, "whether he did not think he was a happy man?"
+
+Julius, who was in a measure similarly affected by the excitement of his
+unknown friend, observed, that the gentleman certainly did seem of a
+peculiarly gay disposition; and the two rivals, each delighted with the
+fancied approval of his suit by the other, indulged a mutual cachinnation.
+
+"I suppose," after a slight pause remarked Augustus, with apparently
+perfect indifference, "you are aware that there was a rival in the field?"
+
+"Oh! ah! did hear of a fellow," responded Julius, with equal
+_insouciance_, "but the idea of any other man carrying off the prize,
+perfectly ridiculous!"
+
+"Oh! absolutely ludicrous, 'pon my soul! Ha! ha! ha!"
+
+"It is astonishing the confounded vanity of some people!"
+
+"And their preposterous obtuseness! why, a man with half an eye might see
+the folly of such presumption."
+
+"To be sure, stupid dolt!"
+
+"Impudent puppy!"
+
+"Conceited fool!"
+
+"The fellow must be out of his senses!"
+
+"Yes, a horsewhipping perhaps might bring him to!"
+
+"Ay, or a good kicking might be salutary!"
+
+The unanimity of the rival candidates produced, as might be supposed from
+their ignorance of the pretensions of each other, a feeling of mutual
+satisfaction and friendship, which, after a volley of anathemas had been
+fired by each gentleman against his rival, in absolute unconsciousness of
+his presence, ultimately displayed itself by each of them rising from his
+chair, and shaking the other most energetically by the hand.
+
+"Really, my dear sir," exclaimed Augustus in an inordinate fit of
+enthusiasm, at the supposed sympathy of his companion, "I never met with
+a gentleman so peculiarly to my fancy as yourself."
+
+"The feeling is perfectly reciprocal, believe me, my dear sir," returned
+Julius, equally delighted with the imagined friendship of Mr. P.
+
+"I trust that our acquaintance will not end here."
+
+"I shall be most proud to cultivate it, I can assure you."
+
+"Will you allow me to present you with a card?"
+
+"I shall be too happy to exchange it for one of my own!" and so saying,
+the parties searched for their cases--Mr. P., in the mean time, protesting
+his gratification "to meet with a gentleman whose opinions so thoroughly
+coincided with his own,"--and Mr. C. as emphatically declaring "that he
+should ever consider this the most fortunate occurrence of his life."
+
+"Believe me, I shall be most happy to see you at any time," observed Mr.
+Augustus Peacock, smiling as he placed the small oblong of cardboard which
+bore his name and address in the hand of his companion.
+
+"I shall feel too proud if you will honour me with a call at your earliest
+convenience," said Mr. Julius Candy bowing, while he presented to his
+fancied friend the little pasteboard parallelogram inscribed with his
+title and residence.
+
+The eyes of the two gentlemen, however, were no sooner directed to the
+cards, which had been placed in their hands, than the smiles which had
+previously gladdened their countenances were instantaneously changed into
+expressions of the most indignant scorn and surprise.
+
+"Peacock!" shouted Candy.
+
+"Candy!" vociferated Peacock.
+
+"Sir!" exclaimed the furious Mr. P., "had I known that Candy was the name
+of the man, sir, whom I was addressing, sir, my conduct you would have
+found, sir, of a very different character!"
+
+"And had I been aware," retorted the exasperated Mr. C., "that Peacock was
+the title of the _fellow_" (and he laid a forty-horse power of emphasis
+upon the word) "with whom I have been conversing, my card would never have
+been delivered to him but with a different motive."
+
+"Fellow, sir! I think you said--_Fellow_, sir!"
+
+"I did, sir,--fellow was the word I used, and I repeat
+it--fellow--fellow!"
+
+"You do, sir! and I throw back in your teeth, sir, with the addition of
+fool, sir!"
+
+"Fool!--no, no--not quite a fool--only _near_ one, sir!"
+
+"You're a conceited puppy, sir!"
+
+"And you are an impudent scoundrel, sir!"
+
+This brought matters to a crisis. The parties embraced their canes with
+more than ordinary ardour, and, by their lowering looks, indicated a
+fervent desire to violate the peace of her blessed Majesty, when the fair
+cause of their contention suddenly entered the apartment.
+
+It was no difficult matter, in the positions they occupied, for Georgiana
+to divine the reason of their animosity; which she effectually allayed by
+informing the angry disputants, "that either had no reason to look upon
+the other with any degree of jealousy, for she humbly begged to assure
+them that her affections were devoted to--_neither_."
+
+This, of course, put a full stop to their chivalry: each party seized his
+hat, bowing distantly to the insensible Georgiana, and left the house,
+vowing certain destruction to the other; but, upon cool reflection,
+Messrs. C. and P. doubtless deemed it advisable not to endanger the small
+quantum of brains they individually possessed, by fighting for a lady who
+was so utterly blind to their manifold merits.
+
+Thus ended the feud of THE RIVAL CANDIDATES.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SIR FRANCIS BURDETT'S VISIT TO THE TOWER.
+
+On the news of the fire in the Tower of London being told to Sir Francis
+Burdett, he hurried to the scene of the conflagration, which must have
+suggested some unpleasing reminiscences of his lost popularity and faded
+glory. Some thirty years ago, those very walls received him like a second
+Hampden, the undaunted defender of his country's rights;--on last Monday
+he entered them a broken-down unhonoured parasite. Gazing on the black and
+smouldering ruins before him--he perhaps compared them to his own
+patriotism, for he was heard to matter audibly--
+
+[Illustration: CAN IT BE THAT THIS IS ALL REMAINS OF THEE?]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+REFORM YOUR LAWYERS' BILLS.
+
+It is a well-known and established fact, that nothing so far conduces to
+the domestic happiness of all circles as the golden system of living
+within one's income. Luxuries cease to be so if after-reflection produces
+vexatious results; comfort flies before an exorbitant and unprepared-for
+demand; and the debtor dunned by the merciless creditor sinks into
+something worse than a cipher, as nothingness is denied him, and the _one_
+standing before him but aggravates, and multiplies his painful annoyances.
+The great secret of satisfactory existence derives its origin from
+well-calculated and moderate expenditure. Ten thousand a year renders
+pines cheap at 1l. 11s. 6d. per pound; ten hundred is better exemplified
+by Ribston pippins!
+
+So in all grades are there various matters of taste which become
+extravagance if rushed into by persons unbreeched for the occasion.
+Luckily for the present day, the tastes of the gourmand and epicure are
+merged in more manly sports; the great class of Corinthian aristocrats
+cull sweets from the blackened eyes of policemen--raptures from
+wrenched-off knockers--merriment in contusions--and frantic delight in
+fractured limbs! These innocent amusements have in their prosecution
+plunged many of their thoughtless and high-spirited devotees into
+pecuniary difficulties, simply from their ignorance of the costs attendant
+upon such exciting, fashionable, and therefore highly proper amusements.
+
+Ever anxious to ameliorate the suffering and persecuted of ail classes,
+Messrs. Quibble and Quirk, attorneys-at-law, beg to offer their
+professional services at the following fixed and equitable rate,--they,
+Messrs. Q. and Q., pledging themselves that on no occasion shall the
+charge exceed the sum opposite the particular amusement in the following
+list.
+
+    N.B. Five per cent, per annum taken off for terms of imprisonment.
+
+    [Illustration: hand] N.B. For prompt payment only.
+
+    Messrs. Q. and Q.'s _card_ of charges for defending a
+    Nobleman, Right Honble., Baronet, Knight, Esquire., Gentleman,
+    Younger Son, Head Clerk, Junior do., Westminster Boy, Medical
+    Student, Grecian at Christ's Church, Monitor, or any other
+    miscellaneous individual aping or belonging to the aristocracy,
+    from the following prosecutions:--
+
+                                                            £  s.
+    To breaking a policeman's neck                          50  0
+    To producing witnesses to swear policeman broke same
+        himself                                             10  0
+    To choice of situation of house in street where done,
+        from roof of which policeman fell; fee to landlord'
+        for number and affidavit                            10 10
+                                                            -----
+      Total for neck, acquittal, witnesses, and perjury    £70 10
+                                                            -----
+    For do. leg, ribs, arms, head, nose, or other
+        unimportant member                                   15 0
+    For receipt written by wife of handsome provision         1 0
+    For writing and indorsing same                            5 5
+    Extras for alibis, if necessary; hire of clothes for
+        witnesses to look decent, including loss by their
+        absconding with the name                            10 10
+                                                            -----
+      Total                                                £31 15
+                                                            -----
+    For knockers by gross in populous neighbourhoods        20  0
+    For carpenter proving same never fitted their
+        respective doors there engaged                       3  3
+    All extras included                                      1  1
+                                                            -----
+      Total                                                £24  4
+
+    N.B.--Messrs. Q. and Q. beg to suggest, as the above charges are
+    low, the old iron may as well be left at their offices.
+
+    For railings, per knob or dozen, assaults on police
+        included, if not amounting to fracture               5  5
+    For suppressing police reports, or getting them put
+        in in a sporting manner, the word gentleman
+        substituted for prisoner, and "seat on the bench"
+        for "place at the bar"                              10 10
+                                                            -----
+      Total                                                £15 15
+
+    And all other legal articles in the above lines at equally low
+    charges.
+
+    Noblemen and gentlemen contracting for seven years allowed a
+    handsome discount. No connexion with any other house.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"WHEN VULCAN FORGED," &c.
+
+"Bless my soul!" said Sir Peter Laurie, rushing into the Justice-room the
+morning the Exchequer Bill affair was discovered, and seizing Hobler by
+the button; "This is a dreadful business. Have you any idea, Hobler, who
+the delinquent is?" "Why really, Sir Peter, 'tis difficult to say; but
+from an inspection of the _forged_ instruments I should say it was
+_Smith's work_." Sir Peter felt the importance of the suggestion, and
+rushed off to Sir Robert Peel to recommend the stoppage of all the forges
+in the kingdom.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PEEL'S PRE-EXISTENCE!
+
+"Every man is not only himself," says Sir THOMAS BROWNE; "there hath been
+many Diogenes, and as many Timons, though but few of that name. _Men are
+lived over again_. The world is now as it was in ages past: there was none
+then but there hath been some one since that parallels him, and, as it
+were, _his revived self_." We are devout believers in the creed.
+
+HERR VON TEUFELSKOPF was a High German doctor, of the first class. He had
+taken his diploma of Beelzebub in the Black Forest, and was gifted with as
+fine a hand to force a card--with as glib a tongue to harangue a mob at
+wakes and fairs, as any professor since the birth of the fourth grace of
+life,--swindling. He would talk until his head smoked of his list of
+miraculous cures--of his balsams, his anodynes, his elixirs; in the
+benevolence of his soul he would, to accommodate the pockets of the poor,
+sell a pennyworth of the philosopher's stone; and, as a further
+illustration of his sympathy for suffering man or woman, give, even for a
+kreutzer, a mouthful of the Fountain of Youth. As a water-doctor, too, his
+Sagacity was inconceivable.  A hundred years ago, he told to a fraction
+the amount of the national debt, from a single glance at the specimen sent
+him by JOHN BULL; and more, for five-and-twenty years predicted who would
+be the incoming Lord Mayor of London, from an inspection of a pint of
+water presented to him every season from Aldgate-pump. He could prophesy
+all the politics of the Court of Aldermen from a phial filled at
+Fleet-ditch; and could at any time--no trifling task--tell the amount of
+corruption in the House of Commons, by taking up a handful of water at
+Westminster-bridge. On his stolen visit to England--for the honour he has
+done our country has never been generally known--he calculated to a nicety
+how many puppies and kittens were annually drowned in the Thames, and how
+many suicides--particularising the sex and dress of each sufferer--were
+committed in the same period, from a bottlefull of Thames water brought to
+him wherewith to dilute his brandy at the Ship public house, Greenwich--a
+hostelry much frequented by Doctor TEUFELSKOPF. We have seen the
+calculation very beautifully illuminated on ass's skin, and at this moment
+deposited in the college of Heligoland. It is not generally known that the
+Doctor died in this country; lustily predicting, however, that after a nap
+of a score or so of years he would return to this life in an entirely new
+character. The Doctor has kept his word. HERR VON TEUFELSKOPF, as Sir
+THOMAS BROWNE says, is "lived over again" in Sir ROBERT PEEL!
+
+It is impossible to reflect upon the enlarged humanity of Sir ROBERT--for
+though, indeed, he is no other than the old German quack revived, we will
+not refuse to him his new name--toward the sufferers of Paisley, without
+feeling that the fine spirit of finesse which made the reputation of the
+student of the Black Forest has in no way suffered from its long sleep;
+but, on the contrary, has risen very much refreshed for new practice. The
+Doctor never compassed so fine a sleight as Sir ROBERT when lately,
+playing the philanthropist, he struck his breeches' pocket with a spasm of
+benevolence, and pulled therefrom--fifty pounds! Only a few weeks before,
+Sir ROBERT had sworn by all his list of former cures, that he would clothe
+the naked and feed the hungry, if he were duly authorised and duly paid
+for such Christian-like solicitude. He is called in; he then prorogues
+Parliament to the tune of "Go to the devil and shake yourself," and sits
+down in the easy chair of salary, and tries to think! Disturbed in his
+contemplations by the groans and screams of the famishing, he addresses
+the starving multitude from the windows of Downing-street, telling them he
+can do nothing for them in a large way, but--the fee he has received to
+cure them can afford as much--graciously throwing them fifty pounds from
+his private compassion! As a statesman he is powerless; but he has no
+objection to subscribe to the Mendicity Society.
+
+It is an old hacknied abuse of NERO, that when Rome was in flame he
+accompanied the crackling of doors and rafters with his very best fiddle.
+We grant this showed a want of fine sympathy on the part of NERO; there
+was, nevertheless, a boldness, an exhibition of nerve, in such
+instrumentation. Any way, it leaves us with a higher respect for NERO than
+if he had been found playing on the burning Pantheon with a penny squirt.
+His mockery of the Romans, bad as it was, was not the mockery of
+compassion.
+
+"I will make bread cheap for you," says Sir ROBERT PEEL to the Paisley
+sufferers; "I will not enable you to buy the quartern loaf at a reduced
+rate by your own industry, but I will treat you to a penny roll, at its
+present size, from my own purse." Whereupon the Tories clap their hands
+and cry, "What magnanimity!"
+
+What should we say if, on another Pie-lane conflagration of London, the
+Minister were to issue an order commanding all the fire-offices to make no
+attempt to extinguish the flames, and were then to exclaim to the
+sufferers, "My friends, I deeply sympathize with you; but the Phoenix
+shall not budge, the Hand-in-Hand mustn't move a finger, the Eagle must
+stay where it is; nevertheless, there is a little private fire-engine of
+my own at Tamworth; you are heartily welcome to the use of it, and pray
+heaven it may put this terrible fire out, and once more make you snug and
+comfortable."
+
+Quackery is of more ancient birth than many very honest people suspect;
+nay, more than, were the register of its nativity laid before their eyes,
+they would be willing to admit. We have no space for its voluminous
+history; but it is our belief, since quackery first plied its profitable
+trade with human incredulity, it never perpetrated so successful a trick
+as that exhibited by Sir ROBERT PEEL in his motion of want of confidence.
+The first scene of the farce is only begun. We have seen how Sir ROBERT
+has snatched the cards out of the hands of the Whigs, and shall find how
+he will play the self-same trumps assorted by his opponents. A change is
+already coming over the Conservatives; they are meek and mild, and, with
+their pocket handkerchiefs at their eyes, lisp about the distresses of the
+people. "When the geese gaggle," says a rustic saw, "expect a change of
+weather." Lord LONDONDERRY has already begun to talk of an alteration of
+the Corn-laws.
+
+"Who knows what a minister may be compelled to do?" says Lord LONDONDERRY.
+These are new words for the old harridan Toryism. She was wont, like
+_Falstaff_, to blow out her cheeks and defy compulsion. But the truth is,
+Toryism has a new host to contend with. Her old reign was supported by
+fictitious credit--by seeming prosperity--and, more than all, by the
+ignorance of the people. Well, the bills drawn by Toryism (at a long date
+we grant) have now to be paid--paper is to be turned into Bank gold.
+Arithmetic is a great teacher, and, with the taxman's ink horn at his
+button-hole, gives at every door lessons that sink into the heart of the
+scholar. Public opinion, which, in the good old days "when George the
+Third was king," was little more than an abstraction--a thing talked of,
+not acknowledged--is now a tangible presence. The said public opinion is
+now formed of hundreds of thousands whose existence, save in the books of
+the Exchequer, was scarcely admitted by any reigning minister. Sir ROBERT
+PEEL has now to give in his reckoning to the hard-heads of Manchester, of
+Birmingham, of Leeds--he must pass his books with them, and tens of
+thousands of their scholars scattered throughout the kingdom; or, three
+months after the next meeting of Parliament, he is nought.
+
+At this moment, it is said, Sir ROBERT is studying what taxes he can best
+lay upon the people. We confess to the difficulty of the case. At this
+moment there is scarcely a feather so light, the addition of which will
+not crack the camel's back. No; Sir ROBERT will come to the Whig measures
+of relief, having so disguised them as, like _Plagiary's_ metaphors, to
+make them pass for his own. The object of himself and party is, however,
+attained. He has juggled himself into place. With the genius of his former
+existence, as TEUFELSKOPF, the Premier has shuffled himself into
+Downing-street; and there he will leave nothing untried that he may
+remain. "If Cato gets drunk, then is drunkenness no shame"--"If Sir ROBERT
+PEEL alter the Corn-laws, then is it proper that the Corn-laws should be
+changed." This will be the cry of the Conservatives; and we shall see men,
+who before would have vowed themselves to slow starvation before they
+would admit an ear of wheat from Poland or Egypt, vote for a sliding-scale
+or no scale at all, as their places and the strength of their party may be
+best assured.
+
+Doctor VON TEUFELSKOPF for years of his life was wont to eat fire and
+swallow a sword. We shall see how once more Sir ROBERT PEEL will eat his
+own principles--swallow his own words. When men call this apostacy, the
+Doctor will blandly smile, and denominate it a sacrifice to public
+opinion. We have no doubt that, as long as he can, the Premier will put
+off the remedy; he will try this and that; but at length public opinion
+will compel him to cast aside his own nostrums and use RUSSELL'S--_bread
+pills_!
+
+Q.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+EPIGRAMS ON A LOUD AND SILLY TALKER.
+
+  If it be true man's tongue is like a steed,
+  Which bears his mind,--why then, none wonder need,
+  That Timlin's tongue can run at such a rate,
+  Because it only carries--feather weight.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  When Timlin speaks, his voice so shrill and loud
+  Fills with amazement all the list'ning crowd;
+  But soon the wonder ceases, when 'tis found
+  That empty vessels make the greatest sound.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS.--No. XVII.
+
+[Illustration: SIR ROBERT MACAIRE
+
+ENDEAVOURING TO DO AN EXCHEQUER BILL.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE PHYSIOLOGY OF THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT.
+
+6.--OF THE GRINDER AND HIS CLASS.
+
+[Illustration: O]One fine morning, in the October of the third winter
+session, the student is suddenly struck by the recollection that at the
+end of the course the time will arrive for him to be thinking about
+undergoing the ordeals of the Hall and College. Making up his mind,
+therefore, to begin studying in earnest, he becomes a _pro tempore_ member
+of a temperance society, pledging himself to abstain from immoderate beer
+for six months: he also purchases a coffee-pot, a reading-candlestick, and
+Steggall's Manual; and then, contriving to accumulate five guineas to pay
+a "grinder," he routs out his old note-books from the bottom of his box,
+and commences to "read for the Hall."
+
+Aspirants to honours in law, physic, or divinity, each know the value of
+private cramming--a process by which their brains are fattened, by
+abstinence from liquids and an increase of dry food (some of it _very_
+dry), like the livers of Strasbourg geese. There are grinders in each of
+these three professional classes; but the medical teacher is the man of
+the most varied and eccentric knowledge. Not only is he intimately
+acquainted with the different branches required to be studied, but he is
+also master of all their minutiæ. In accordance with the taste of the
+examiners, he learns and imparts to his class at what degree of heat water
+boils in a balloon--how the article of commerce, _Prussian blue_, is more
+easily and correctly defined as the _Ferrosesquicyanuret of the cyanide of
+potassium_--why the nitrous oxyde, or laughing gas, induces people to make
+such asses of themselves; and, especially, all sorts of individual
+inquiries, which, if continued at the present rate, will range from "Who
+discovered the use of the spleen?" to "Who killed cock robin?" for aught
+we know. They ask questions at the Hall quite as vague as these.
+
+It is twelve o'clock at noon. In a large room, ornamented by shelves of
+bottles and preparations, with varnished prints of medical plants and
+cases of articulated bones and ligaments, a number of young men are seated
+round a long table covered with baize, in the centre of whom an
+intellectual-looking man, whose well-developed forehead shows the amount
+of knowledge it can contain, is interrogating by turns each of the
+students, and endeavouring to impress the points in question on their
+memories by various diverting associations. Each of his pupils, as he
+passes his examination, furnishes him with a copy of the subjects touched
+upon; and by studying these minutely, the private teacher forms a pretty
+correct idea of the general run of the "Hall questions."
+
+"Now, Mr. Muff," says the gentleman to one of his class, handing him a
+bottle of something which appears like specimens of a chestnut colt's coat
+after he had been clipped; "what's that, sir?"
+
+"That's cow-itch, sir," replies Mr. Muff.
+
+"Cow what? You must call it at the Hall by its botanical name--_dolichos
+pruriens_. What is it used for?"
+
+"To strew in people's beds that you owe a grudge to," replies Muff;
+whereat all the class laugh, except the last comer, who takes it all for
+granted, and makes a note of the circumstance in his interleaved manual.
+
+"That answer would floor you," continues the grinder. "The _dolichos_ is
+used to destroy worms. How does it act, Mr. Jones?" going on to the next
+pupil--a man in a light cotton cravat and no shirt collar, who looks very
+like a butler out of place.
+
+"It tickles them to death, sir," answers Mr. Jones.
+
+"You would say it acts mechanically," observes the grinder. "The fine
+points stick into the worms and kill them. They say, 'Is this a dagger
+which I see before me?' and then die. Recollect the dagger, Mr. Jones,
+when you go up. Mr. Manhug, what do you consider the best sudorific, if
+you wanted to throw a person into a perspiration?"
+
+Mr. Manhug, who is the wag of the class, finishes, in rather an abrupt
+manner, a song he was humming, _sotto voce_, having some allusion to a
+peer who was known as Thomas, Lord Noddy, having passed a night at a house
+of public entertainment in the Old Bailey previous to an execution. He
+then takes a pinch of snuff, winks at the other pupils as much as to say,
+"See me tackle him, now;" and replies, "The gallery door of Covent Garden
+on Boxing-night."
+
+"Now, come, be serious for once, Mr. Manhug," continues the teacher; "what
+else is likely to answer the purpose?"
+
+"I think a run up Holborn-hill, with two Ely-place knockers on your arm,
+and three policemen on your heels, might have a good effect," answers Mr.
+Manhug.
+
+"Do you ever think you will pass the Hall, if you go on at this rate?"
+observes the teacher, in a tone of mild reproach.
+
+"Not a doubt of it, sir," returns the imperturbable Manhug. "I've passed
+it twenty times within this last month, and did not find any very great
+difficulty about it; neither do I expect to, unless they block up
+Union-street and Water-lane."
+
+The grinder gives Mr. Manhug up as a hopeless case, and goes on to the
+next. "Mr. Rapp, they will be very likely to ask you the composition of
+the _compound gamboge pill_: what is it made of?"
+
+Mr. Rapp hasn't the least idea.
+
+"Remember, then, it is composed of cambogia, aloes, ginger, and soap--C,
+A, G, S,--_cags_. Recollect Cags, Mr. Rapp. What would you do if you were
+sent for to a person poisoned by oxalic acid?"
+
+"Give him some chalk," returns Mr. Rapp.
+
+"But suppose you had not got any chalk, what would you substitute?"
+
+"Oh, anything; pipeclay and soapsuds."
+
+"Yes, that's all very right; but we will presume you could not get any
+pipeclay and soapsuds; in fact, that there was nothing in the house. What
+would you do then?"
+
+Mr. Manhug cries out from the bottom of the table--"Let him die and be
+----!"
+
+"Now, Mr. Manhug, I really must entreat of you to be more steady,"
+interrupts the professor. "You would scrape the ceiling with the
+fire-shovel, would you not? Plaster contains lime, and lime is an
+antidote. Recollect that, if you please. They like you to say you would
+scrape the ceiling, at the Hall: they think it shows a ready invention in
+emergency. Mr. Newcome, you have heard the last question and answer?"
+
+"Yes sir," says the fresh arrival, as he finishes making a note of it.
+
+"Well; you are sent for, to a man who has hung himself. What would be your
+first endeavour?"
+
+"To scrape the ceiling with the fire-shovel," mildly observes Mr. Newcome;
+whereupon the class indulges in a hearty laugh, and Mr. Newcome blushes as
+deep as the red bull's-eye of a New-road doctor's lamp.
+
+"What would _you_ do, Mr. Manhug? perhaps you can inform Mr. Newcome."
+
+"Cut him down, sir," answers the indomitable _farceur_.
+
+"Well, well," continues the teacher; "but we will presume he has been cut
+down. What would you strive to do next?"
+
+"Cut him up, sir, if the coroner would give an order for a _post mortem_
+examination."
+
+"We have had no chemistry this morning," observes one of the pupils.
+
+"Very well, Mr. Rogers; we will go on with it if you wish. How would you
+endeavour to detect the presence of gold in any body?"
+
+"By begging the loan of a sovereign, sir," interrupts Mr. Manhug.
+
+"If he knew you as well as I do, Manhug," observes Mr. Jones, "he'd be
+sure to lend it--oh, yes!--I should rayther think so, certainly,"
+whereupon Mr. Jones compresses his nostril with the thumb of his right
+hand, and moves his fingers as if he was performing a concerto on an
+imaginary one handed flageolet.
+
+"Mr. Rapp, what is the difference between an element and a compound body?"
+
+Mr. Rapp is again obliged to confess his ignorance.
+
+"A compound body is composed of two or more elements," says the grinder,
+"in various proportions. Give me an example, Mr. Jones."
+
+"Half-and-half is a compound body, composed of the two elements, ale and
+porter, the proportion of the porter increasing in an inverse ratio to the
+respectability of the public-house you get it from," replies Mr. Jones.
+
+The professor smiles, and taking up a Pharmacopoeia, says, "I see here
+directions for evaporating certain liquids 'in a water-bath.' Mr. Newcome,
+what is the most familiar instance of a water-bath you are acquainted
+with?"
+
+"In High Holborn, sir; between Little Queen-street and Drury-lane,"
+returns Mr. Newcome.
+
+"A water-bath means a vessel placed in boiling-water. Mr. Newcome, to keep
+it at a certain temperature. If you are asked at the Hall for the most
+familiar instance, they like you to say a carpenter's glue-pot."
+
+And in like manner the grinding-class proceeds.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE LORD MAYORS AND THE QUEEN.
+
+_By the Correspondent of the Observer._
+
+The interesting condition of Her Majesty is a source of the most agonising
+suspense to the Lord Mayors of London and Dublin, who, if a Prince of
+Wales is not born before their period of office expires, will lose the
+chance of being created baronets.
+
+According to rumour, the baby--we beg pardon, the scion of the house of
+Brunswick--was to have been born--we must apologise again; we should say
+was to have been added to the illustrious stock of the reigning family of
+Great Britain--some day last month, and of course the present Lord Mayors
+had comfortably made up their minds that they should be entitled to the
+dignity it is customary to confer on such occasions as that which the
+nation now ardently anticipates. But here we are at the beginning of
+November, and no Prince of Wales. We have reason to know that the Lord
+Mayor of London has not slept a wink since Saturday, and his lady has not
+smiled, according to an authority on which we are accustomed to rely,
+since Thursday fortnight. Some say it is done on purpose, because the
+present official is a Tory; and others insinuate that the Prince of Wales
+is postponed in order that there may be an opportunity of making Daniel
+O'Connell a baronet. Others suggest that there will be twins presented to
+the nation! one on the night of the 8th of November, the other on the
+morning of the 9th, so as to conciliate both parties; but we are not
+disposed at present to pronounce a decided opinion on this part of the
+question. We know that politics have been carried most indelicately into
+the very heart of the Royal Household; but we hope, for the honour of all
+parties, that the confinement of the Queen is not to be made a matter of
+political arrangement. If it is, we can only say that it will be most
+indecent, we might almost venture to say unbecoming; but our dislike to
+the use of strong language is well known, or at least it ought to be.
+
+If there are any other particulars, we shall give them in a second
+edition; that is to say, if we should have anything to add, and should
+think it worth while to publish another impression for the purpose of
+stating it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL.--No. 10.
+
+  You talk of love--I would believe
+    Thy words were truth;
+  Nor deem that thou wouldst e'er deceive
+    My artless youth:
+      But when we part,
+      Within my heart
+  A small voice whispers low--
+      Beware! Beware!
+      Fond girl, the snare!
+  it's all no go!
+
+  You talk of love--yet would betray
+    The heart you seek,
+  And smile upon its slow decay,
+    If 'twould not break.
+      In vain you swear
+      That I am fair,
+  That heaven is on my lip!
+      I know each vow
+      Is worthless now;
+  [Illustration: YOU'VE MISS'D YOUR TIP.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE TWO NEW EQUITY JUDGES.
+
+"Between the two new Equity Courts, the suitors in Chancery will be much
+better off than formerly"--said Fitzroy Kelly, lately, to an intimate.
+"Undoubtedly," replied the friend, "they may now choose between the
+frying-pan and the fire."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MR. PUNCH,
+
+ARTIST IN PHILOSOPHY AND FIREWORKS[1],
+
+    [1] Baylis.
+
+BEGS TO INFORM THE
+
+HOBBEDEHOYITY AND INFANTRY OF THE METROPOLIS
+
+AND THE WORLD IN GENERAL,
+
+That, for the proper commemoration of the anniversary of the 5th of
+November, he _had_ engaged the services of the following
+
+EMINENT THAMESIAN INCENDIARIES.
+
+SIR PETER LAURIE, to furnish materials for _squibs_.
+
+MR. ROEBUCK, for _flower-pots_, containing the beautiful figure of a
+_genealogical tree_.
+
+COLONEL SIBTHORP, for sky-rockets being constructed after his _own plan_;
+warranted to flare up at starting, and to come down--_a stick_.
+
+DANIEL O'CONNELL, Esq., for the importation of Roman candles,
+
+MR. WAKLEY, SIR JAMES GRAHAM, LORD STANLEY, and SIR FRANCIS BURDETT, for
+Catherine-wheels, which are guaranteed to _turn round_ with great
+celerity, and to exhibit _curious designs_.
+
+LORD MINTO, for _Chinese fire_, prepared from the recipes of his gallant
+relative, the Honourable Captain Elliot, which have been procured at an
+immense outlay.--(See next year's "Budget.")
+
+The MARQUIS OF WATERFORD, the celebrated Purveyor to the Police Force in
+general, for the supply of _crackers_.
+
+MR. CHARLES PEARSON, for _port_-fires.
+
+SIR ROBERT PEEL, assisted by his CABINET, for a _golden rain_.
+
+*** A large supply of these articles always on hand. Apply at Mr. P.'s
+Office every Saturday.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+AN EXTRACT FROM THE SPECTATOR.
+
+Carter, the lion-tamer, previous to his late exhibition, when the tiger
+broke loose, had given an order to an old acquaintance to come and witness
+his performance; by great good luck, he and the rest of the affrighted
+spectators effected their escape; but he was heard vehemently declaring he
+had been deceived in the most beastly manner, as he would not have come
+but that he supposed he was
+
+[Illustration: LOOKING IN UPON A FRIEND.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SHIP NEWS.
+
+Off Battersea Mills, in the reeds, _La Gitana_ (wherry Z.9), Execution
+Dock, with loss of sculls; deserted. On nearing her, discovered the Master
+with his wooden leg in the mud, to which he had made fast the head-line,
+with his left leg over his right shoulder, high and dry.
+
+A boat, supposed to belong to the Union Aquatic Sons of Shop Walkers, was
+washed ashore on Hungerford Muds, with an old ribbon-box, apparently used
+for a sea-chest, containing wearing apparel, 1s. 8d. in fourpenny pieces,
+and sundry small pieces of paper, with "Dry," sign of the "Three Balls,"
+printed thereon, and endorsed, "Shawl, 3s. 6d., 30 remnants of ribbon 7s.
+6d., waistcoat satin, 1 yard 3s. 6d.," &c. &c. The crew supposed to have
+abandoned her off the "Swan," where they were seen in a state of beer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CAUSE AND EFFECT.
+
+A great _fall_ of chalk occurred at Mertsham on the Brighton Railway on
+last Thursday morning; a corresponding _fall_ in milk took place in London
+on the following day.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SHOULD THIS MEET THE EYE--
+
+[Illustration]
+
+of Sir ROBERT PEEL, LORD STANLEY, or any of Her Majesty's Ministers, in
+want of an active cad, or light porter; the advertiser, a young man at
+present out of place, would be anxious to make himself generally useful,
+and is not particular in what capacity. Respectability not so great an
+object as a good salary. Application to be made to T. WAKLEY, at the Rad's
+Arms, _Turn'em Green_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+HARD AND FAST.
+
+That very slow coach, and would be "faster," the licensed
+to-carry-no-thing-inside "Bernard Cavannah," has been recently confined in
+a room, wherein he has lived upon the "cameleon's dish," eating the
+air--"jugged," we presume. Wakley declares he is an impostor; but as he
+has an interest in an inquest, and Bernard survives, this may be
+attributed to professional disappointment. Dr. Elliotson declares, from
+his own experience, any man can live upon nothing. The whole medical
+profession are getting to very high words; Anglice,--indulging in very low
+language. The fraternity of physicians, apothecaries, and surgeons, are
+growing so warm upon the living subject, that we may shortly expect to
+witness a beautiful tableau vivant of
+
+[Illustration: SURGERE IN ARMIS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S THEATRE.
+
+MISS ADELAIDE KEMBLE.
+
+Let every amateur, professor, and enthusiastic raver concerning "native
+talent" go down on his knees, and, after the manner of the ancient
+heathen, return thanksgiving unto Apollo for having at last sent us a
+singer who knows her business! One who can sing as if she had a soul; who
+can act as if she were not acting, but existing amidst reality; who is, in
+short, a performer entirely new to the British stage; to whom we have not
+a parallel example to produce,--a heroine of the lyric drama.
+
+Such, in the most exalted sense of the term, is Miss Adelaide Kemble.
+Unlike nearly every other English singer, she has not set up with the
+small stock-in-trade of a good voice, and learned singing on the stage;
+making the public pay for her tuition. On the contrary, nature has
+manifestly not been bountiful to her in this respect. Her voice--the mere
+organ--may have been in her earlier years exceeded in quality by many
+other vocalists. But what is it now? Perfect in intonation; its lower
+tones forcible; the middle voice firm and full; the upper interval sweet
+and rich beyond comparison.
+
+But how comes this?  How has this moderately-good organ been brought to
+such perfection? By a process not very prevalent amongst English
+singers--practice the most constant, study the most unwearied. Punch will
+bet a wager with any sporting dilettante that Miss Kemble has sung _more_
+while learning her art, than many old stagers while professing and
+practising it.
+
+She seems, then,--as far as one may judge of that kind of perfection--a
+perfect mistress of her voice; she can do what she likes with it, she can
+sustain a note in any part of the soprano compass--swell, diminish, and
+keep it exactly to the same pitch for an incredible space of time. She can
+burst forth a torrent of sound expressive of our strongest passions,
+without losing an atom of tone, and she can diminish it to a whisper, in
+_sotto voce_, as distinct as it is thrilling and true intonation.
+
+Having obtained this vocal mastery, she has unfettered energies to devote
+to her acting; which, in _Norma_, has all the elements of tragic
+dignity--all the tenderness of natural feeling. In one word, Miss Kemble
+is a mistress of every branch of her art; and we can now say, what we have
+so seldom had an opportunity to boast of, that our English stage possesses
+a singer who is also an actress and musician!
+
+The opera is excellently put upon the stage. Miss Kemble, or somebody
+else, electrified the choruses; for, wonderful to relate, they
+condescended to act--to perform--to pretend to be what they are meant for!
+Never was so efficient, so well-disciplined, so unanimous a chorus heard
+or seen before on the English stage. The chorus-master deserves
+everybody's, and has our own, especial commendations.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NINA SFORZA.
+
+A new melo-drama in five acts, by a gentleman who rejoices in exactly the
+same number of titles--namely, "R. Zouch S. Troughton, Esquire"--made its
+appearance for Miss H. Fancit's benefit on Monday last, at the Haymarket.
+
+The old-fashioned recipe for cooking up a melo-dramatic hero has been
+strictly followed in "Nina Sforza." _Raphael Doria_, the heir-apparent to
+the dukedom of Genoa, is a man about town in Venice--is accompanied, on
+most occasions, by a faithful friend and a false one--saves the heroine
+from drowning, and, of course, falls in love with her on the spot, or
+rather on the water. She, of course, returns the passion; but is, as
+usual, loved by the villain--a regular thorough-paced Mephistopheles of
+the Surrey or Sadler's Wells genus. These ingredients, having been
+carefully compounded in the first act, are--quite _selon les
+règles_--allowed to simmer till the end of the fourth, and to boil over in
+the fifth. Thus we have a tragedy after the manner of those lively
+productions that flourished in the time of Garrick; when Young, Murphy,
+and Francklin were Melpomene's head-cooks.
+
+Modern innovation has, however, added a sprinkle of spice to the hashes of
+the above-named school. This is most commonly thrown in, by giving to the
+stock-villain a dash of humour or sarcasm, so as to bring out his savagery
+in bolder relief. He is also invested with an unaccountable influence over
+the hero, who can on no account be made to see his bare and open treachery
+till about the middle of the fifth act, when the dupe's eyes must be
+opened in time for the catastrophe.
+
+These improvements have been carefully introduced into the present old new
+tragedy. _Ugone Spinola_ is the presiding genius of _Doria's_ woes: and
+dogs him about for the pleasure of making him miserable. He is a finished
+epicure in revenge; picking little tit-bits of it with the most savage
+_gôut_ all through; but particularly towards the end of the play. This
+taste was, it seems, first acquired in consequence of a feud that formerly
+existed between _Doria's_ family and his own, in which his side came off
+so decidedly second-best, that he only remains of his race; all the rest
+having been murdered by _Doria_ and his father's faction. From such deadly
+foes, it may be observed, that tragic heroes always select their most
+trusted friends.
+
+_Doria's_ father dies, and _Nina's_ consents to his marriage; so that we
+see them, at the opening of the third act, the picture of connubial bliss,
+in a garden belonging to the Duke's palace at Genoa, exchanging sentiments
+which would be doubtless extremely tender if they were quite intelligible.
+A great deal is said about genius being like love; which gives rise to a
+simile touching a rose-bud in a poor poet's window, and other
+incoherencies quite natural for persons to utter who are supposed to be in
+love. This peaceful scene is interrupted by an alarm of war; and the
+Prince goes to fight the Florentines.
+
+The battle takes place between the acts; and we next see the Genoese
+halting near their city after a victory. _Doria_, who in the first act has
+been represented to us as an exceedingly gay young fellow, is here
+described as indulging, in his tent, his old propensities; having brought
+away, with other trophies, a fair Florentine, who is diverting him with
+her guitar at that moment. This is excellent news for _Spinola_; the more
+so as we are soon made to understand that _Nina_, being impatient of her
+husband's return, has fled to his tent to meet him, and discovers the fair
+Florentine in the very act of guitar-playing, and her spouse in the midst
+of his raptures thereat.
+
+A scene follows, in which _Spinola_, as a new edition of Iago, and _Nina_,
+in the form of a female Othello, get scope for a great variety of that
+kind of acting which performers call "effective." The wife--in this scene
+really well-drawn--will not believe Doria's falsehood, in spite of strong
+circumstantial evidence. _Spinola_ offers to strengthen it; and the last
+scene of this act--the fourth--presents a highly melo-dramatic situation.
+It is a street scene; and _Spinola_ has brought _Nina_ to watch her
+husband into her rival's house. She sees him approach it--he wavers--she
+hopes he will pass the door. Alas, he does not, and actually goes in! Of
+course she swoons and falls. So does the act drop.
+
+The entire business of the last act is to bring about the catastrophe;
+and, as not one step towards it has been previously taken, there is no
+time to lose. _Spinola_, therefore, is made not to mince the matter, but
+to come boldly on at once, with a bottle of poison! This he blandly
+insinuates to _Nina_ might be used with great effect upon her husband, so
+as effectually to put a stop to future intrigues with any forthcoming fair
+Florentines. She, however, declines putting the poison to any such use;
+but, nevertheless, honours _Spinola_'s draught, by accepting it. The
+villain expresses himself extremely grateful for her condescension, and
+exits, to make way for _Doria_.
+
+Directly he appears, you at once perceive that he has done something
+exceedingly naughty, for his countenance is covered with remorse and a
+certain white powder which is the stage specific for pallor. The lady
+complains of being unwell, and her husband kindly advises her to go to
+bed. She replies, that she has a cordial within which will soon restore
+her, and entreats her beloved lord to administer the potion with his own
+dear hand; he consents--and they both retire, and the audience shudders,
+because they pretty well guess that she is going to toss off the dose, of
+which _Spinola_ has been the dispensing chemist.
+
+And here we may be forgiven for a short digression on the subject of the
+dramatic _Materia Medica_, and _poison-ology_. The sleeping draughts of
+the stage are, for example, generally speaking, uncommon specimens of
+chemical perfection. When taken--even if the patient be ever so well
+shaken--nothing on earth, or on the stage, can wake him after the cue for
+his going to sleep, and before the cue for his getting up, have been
+given; while it never allows him to dose an instant longer than the plot
+of the piece requires. Then as to poisons; there are some which kill the
+taker dead on the spot, like a fly in a bottle of prussic acid; others,
+which--swallowed with a sort of time-bargain--are warranted to do the
+business within a few seconds of so many hours hence; others again there
+are (particularly adapted for villains) that cause the most incessant
+torment, which nothing can relieve but death; a fourth compound (always
+administered to such characters as _Nina Sforza_) are peculiarly mild in
+their operation--no stomach-ache--no contortions--but still effectual.
+
+The contents of the phial given to _Nina_ by _Spinola_ are compounded of
+the second and fourth of these _formulæ_. The drink, though deadly, is
+guaranteed to be a mild, rather-pleasant-than-otherwise poison, warranted
+to operate at a given hour; one calculated to allow the heroine plenty of
+time to die, and to make her go off in great physical comfort.
+
+_Nina_ has taken the poison; but, having a peculiar desire to die at home,
+orders a "trusty page" to provide horses for herself and attendant
+secretly, at the northern gate, that she may return to her native Venice.
+With this determination we lose sight of her.
+
+_Doria_ is aroused by a hunting-party who have risen so early that they
+seem to have forgotten to take off their nightcaps, to which the Italian
+hood, as worn by the Haymarket hunters, bears an obstinate resemblance.
+The Prince discovers his wife has fled, and orders his _chasseurs_ to
+divert their attention from the game they had purposed to ride to cover
+for, and to hunt up the missing _Nina_.
+
+"In the deep recesses of a wood" _Spinola_ and _Doria_ meet, the latter
+having, by some instinct, found out his _pseudo_-friend's treachery; of
+course they fight: _Doria_ falls; but _Spinola_ is too great a glutton in
+revenge to kill him till he knows of his wife's death, so, after gloating
+over his prostrate enemy, and poking him about with his rapier for several
+minutes, all he does is to steal his sword; this being found upon him by
+some of the hunters, who meet him quite by accident, they suppose he has
+killed _Doria_, and so kill him. Thus, _Spinola_ being disposed of, there
+are only two more that are left to die.
+
+In her flight _Nina_ has been taken unwell--with the poison--just in that
+part of the forest where her spouse is left, by his enemy, in a swoon.
+They meet, and she dies in his arms. Two being now defunct, only one
+remains; but there is some difficulty in getting rid of _Doria_, for he is
+(as is always the case when a stage _felo-de-se_ impends) unprovided with
+a weapon. Going up to his trusty friend _D'Estala_, he engages him in
+talk, and, with the dexterity of a footpad, steals his dagger, and stabs
+himself. All the principal characters being now dead, the piece cannot go
+on, and the curtain drops.
+
+A word or two on the merits of _Nina Sforza_. There are two classes of
+dramatists who are just now contending for fame--those who cannot get
+their plays acted because they are not dramatic, and those who can,
+because their pieces are _merely_ dramatic. Mr.--we beg pardon, R. Zouch
+S. Troughton, Esquire,--belongs to the latter class. He is evidently well
+acquainted with the mechanics of the stage; he knows all about
+"situation"--that is, sacrificing nature to startling effect. His language
+is essentially dramatic, and only fails where it aims at being poetical.
+His characters, too, are not drawn from life, from nature, but are
+copied--and cleverly copied--from other characters that strut about in the
+"stock" tragedies of Rowe _et hoc genus_. The fable, or plot, is
+deficient, from the absence of one sustaining, pervading incident to
+excite, and keep up a progressive interest. With every new act a new
+circumstance arises, which, though it is in some instances (especially in
+the fourth act) conducted with great skill, yet the interest it produces
+is not sustained, being made to give place to the author's succeeding
+effort to get up a new "situation" by a new incident. Though the tragedy
+possesses little originality, it will, from its melo-dramatic and exciting
+character, be most likely a very successful one. Besides, it is very well
+acted, by Miss Faucit, Wallack, and Macready, as _Spinola_; which, being a
+most unnatural character, is well calculated for so conventional an actor
+as Macready.
+
+The author will doubtless become a successful dramatist, because he has
+taken the trouble to learn what is proper for, and effective on, the
+stage. Having gained that acquirement, if he will now study nature, and
+put men and women upon the stage that act and speak like real mortals, we
+may safely predict an honourable dramatic career for Mr. ----; but our
+space is limited, and we can't afford enough of it to print his names a
+third time.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE QUADROON SLAVE.
+
+A new discussion of the Slave question seems to have been much wanted on
+the stage. It is, alas, the black truth that "The Slave" _par excellence_,
+in spite of the brothers _Sharpset_ and Bishop's music, ceases to
+interest. The woes of "Gambia" have been turned into ridicule by the
+capers of "Jim Crow," and the twin pleasantries of "Jim along Josey."
+Since the moral British public gave away twenty millions to emancipate the
+black population, and to raise the price of brown sugars, they are not
+nearly so sweet upon the niggers as formerly; for they discover that, now
+Cæsar being "massa-pated, him no work--dam if he do!"
+
+To meet this dramatic exigency, the "Quadroon Slave" has been produced. It
+may be classed as an argumentative drama; carried on with that stage logic
+which always makes the heroine get the best of it. The emancipation side
+of the question is supported by _Julie_, ably backed by _Vincent St.
+George_, but opposed by _Alfred Pelham_; and the lingual combatants rush
+_in medias res_ at the very rising of the curtain--the "house,"
+immediately taking sides, vehemently applauding the arguments of their
+respective favourites. _Vincent St. George_--ably entrusted to that
+interesting advocate Mr. J. Webster--opened the discussion by protesting
+against the flogging system, especially as applied to females. _Alfred
+Pelham_ answered him; the reply being taken up by the heroine _Julie_ in
+broken French, because she is personated by Madlle. Celeste. The state of
+parties as here developed turns out to be curious. The heroine, a
+quadroon, is on the point of matrimonial union with her antagonist, and
+openly resents the tender advances of her ally. "Call ye this backing of
+your friends?" _Vincent St. George_, disgusted at such gross
+tergiversation, flies entirely away from the point at issue, and applies
+those remarks to _Julie_ which all disappointed lovers seem to be bound to
+utter in such cases. Indeed, on the re-appearance of his rival, he
+challenges him--unblushingly forsaking every branch of the main point, by
+engaging in a long and not very lively discourse on the subject of
+duelling; amidst, however, impatient cries of "question!" "question!" from
+the audience.
+
+This brings _Vincent_ back to the point, and with a vengeance! Like a
+great many other orators on the liberal side of the black question, he is
+a slave-owner himself, having--as his "attorney" _Vipper_ is careful to
+tell us--no fewer than two hundred and eight of those animals. Now, before
+he took upon himself to become an emancipationist, he might--one cannot
+help thinking--have had the decency--_like Saint Fowell Buxton_--to _sell_
+his slaves to somebody else, and to come into court with clean hands. But
+so far from doing so, _Vipper_ having discovered that _Julie_ is a
+run-away slave from _Vincent's_ estate, just as she is ending the first
+act by going to be married, the latter takes the whole of the second act
+to claim her!
+
+Though the argufiers change sides on account of the change of
+affairs--_Vincent_ insisting, as _liberals_ so often do, upon his vested
+rights in _Julie_ as opposed to _Pelham's_ matrimonial ones--though the
+heroine renders her pathetics affecting by a prostration or two before the
+rivals--though she rushes upon a parapet to commit suicide--though she is
+saved, and at length succeeds by force of mere argument to get her
+new-found master to give her up to her husband; yet this second act was
+somewhat dull; insomuch that the audience did not seem to regret when the
+curtain dropped the subject, and announced their own emancipation from the
+theatre.
+
+Besides the parts we have named, Webster the elder played a _Telemachus
+Hearty_, who, further than skipping about the stage, talking very fast,
+and making himself not altogether disagreeable, had no more to do with the
+piece than his namesake, or Fénélon Archbishop of Cambray himself.
+
+This attempt to discuss moot points upon the stage--to turn as it were the
+theatre into a debating society--will certainly not succeed.
+Audiences--especially Haymarket ones--have a taste for being amused rather
+than reasoned with; besides, those on that side of the question which the
+author chooses shall be the weaker, do not like to see the stage-orators
+get the upper hand, without having a chance of answering them. Even
+dancing is preferred by them to didactics, though it be
+
+[Illustration: A PAS SEUL TO A BARK-AROLE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+1, November 6, 1841,, by Various
+
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