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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1,
+November 6, 1841,, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, November 6, 1841,
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14935]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 1.
+
+
+
+FOR THE WEEK ENDING NOVEMBER 6, 1841.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A DAY-DREAM AT MY UNCLE'S.
+
+The result of a serious conversation between the authors of my being ended
+in the resolution that it was high time for me to begin the world, and do
+something for myself. The only difficult problem left for them to solve
+was, in what way I had better commence. One would have thought the world
+had nothing in its whole construction but futile beginnings and most
+unsatisfactory methods of doing for one's self. Scheme after scheme was
+discussed and discarded; new plans were hot-beds for new doubts; and
+impossibilities seemed to overwhelm every succeeding though successless
+suggestion. At the critical moment when it appeared perfectly clear to me
+either that I was fit for nothing or nothing was fit for me, the
+authoritative "rat-tat" of the general postman closed the argument, and
+for a brief space distracted the intense contemplations of my bewildered
+parents.
+
+"Good gracious!" "Well, I never!" "Who'd ha' thought it?" and various
+other disjointed mutterings escaped my father, forming a sort of running
+commentary upon the document under his perusal. Having duly devoured the
+contents, he spread the sheet of paper carefully out, re-wiped his
+spectacles, and again commenced the former all-engrossing subject.
+
+"Tom, my boy, you are all right, and this will do for you. Here's a letter
+from your uncle Ticket."
+
+I nodded in silence.
+
+"Yes, sir," continued my father, with increasing emphasis and peculiar
+dignity, "Ticket--the great Ticket--the greatest"--
+
+"Pawnbroker in London," said I, finishing the sentence.
+
+"Yes, sir, he is; and what of that?"
+
+"Nothing further; I don't much like the trade, but"--
+
+"But he's your uncle, sir. It's a glorious money-making business. He
+offers to take you as an apprentice. Nancy, my love, pack up this lad's
+things, and start him off by the mail to-morrow. Go to bed, Tom."
+
+So the die was cast! The mail was punctual; and I was duly delivered to
+Ticket--the great Ticket--my maternal, and everybody else's undefinable,
+uncle. Duly equipped in glazed calico sleeves, and ditto apron, I took my
+place behind the counter. But as it was discovered that I had a peculiar
+_penchant_ for giving ten shillings in exchange for gilt sixpences, and
+encouraging all sorts of smashing by receiving counterfeit crowns,
+half-crowns, and shillings, I received a box on the ear, and a positive
+command to confine myself to the up-stairs, or "top-of-the-spout
+department" for the future. Here my chief duties were to deposit such
+articles as progressed up that wooden shaft in their respective places,
+and by the same means transmit the "redeemed" to the shop below. This was
+but dull work, and in the long dreary evenings, when partial darkness (for
+I was allowed no candle) seemed to invite sleep, I frequently fell into a
+foggy sort of mystified somnolency--the partial prostration of my
+corporeal powers being amply compensated by the vague wanderings of
+indistinct imagination.
+
+In these dozing moods some of the parcels round me would appear not only
+imbued with life, but, like the fabled animals of Æsop, blessed with the
+gift of tongues. Others, though speechless, would conjure up a vivid train
+of breathing tableaux, replete with their sad histories. That tiny relic,
+half the size of the small card it is pinned upon, swells like the
+imprisoned genie the fisherman released from years of bondage, and the
+shadowy vapour takes once more a form. From the small circle of that
+wedding ring, the tear-fraught widow and the pallid orphan, closely dogged
+by Famine and Disease, spring to my sight. That brilliant tiara opens the
+vista of the rich saloon, and shows the humbled pride of the titled
+hostess, lying excuses for her absent gems. The flash contents of that
+bright yellow handkerchief shade forth the felon's bar; the daring burglar
+eyeing with confidence the counsel learned in the law's defects, fee'd by
+its produce to defend its quondam owner. The effigies of Pride,
+Extravagance, honest Distress, and reckless Plunder, all by turns usurp
+the scene. In my last waking sleep, just as I had composed myself in
+delicious indolence, a parcel fell with more than ordinary force on one
+beneath. These were two of my talking friends. I stirred not, but sat
+silently to listen to their curious conversation, which I now proceed to
+give verbatim.
+
+_Parcel fallen upon_.--"What the d--l are you?"
+
+_Parcel that fell_.--"That's my business."
+
+"Is it? I rather think its mine, though. Why don't you look where you're
+going?"
+
+"How can I see through three brown papers and a rusty black silk
+handkerchief?"
+
+"Ain't there a hole in any of 'em?"
+
+"No."
+
+"That's a pity; but when you've been here as long as I have, the moths
+will help you a bit."
+
+"Will they?"
+
+"Certainly."
+
+"I hope not."
+
+"Hope if you like; but you'll find I'm right."
+
+"I trust I didn't hurt you much."
+
+"Not very. Bless you, I'm pretty well used to ill-treatment now. You've
+only rubbed the pile of my collar the wrong way, just as that awkward
+black rascal would brush me."
+
+"Bless me! I think I know your voice."
+
+"Somehow, I think I know yours."
+
+"You ain't Colonel Tomkins, are you?"
+
+"No."
+
+"Nor Count Castor?"
+
+"No."
+
+"Then I'm in error."
+
+"No you're not. I was the Colonel once; then I became the Count by way of
+loan; and then I came here--as he said by mistake."
+
+"Why, my dear fellow, I'm delighted to speak to you. How did you wear?"
+
+"So-so."
+
+"When I first saw you, I thought you the handsomest Petersham in town.
+Your velvet collar, cuffs, and side-pockets, were superb; and when you
+were the Colonel, upon my life you were the sweetest cut thing about the
+waist and tails I ever walked with."
+
+"You flatter me."
+
+"Upon my honour, no."
+
+"Well, I can return the compliment; for a blue, with chased buttons and
+silk lining, you beat anything I ever had the honour of meeting. But I
+suppose, as you are here, you are not the Cornet now?"
+
+"Alas! no."
+
+"May I ask why?"
+
+"Certainly. His scoundrel of a valet disgraced his master's cloth and me
+at the same time. The villain went to the Lowther Arcade--took me with him
+by force. Fancy my agony; literally accessory to handing ices to
+milliners' apprentices and staymakers; and when the wretch commenced
+quadrilling it, he dos-a-dos'd me up against a fat soap-boiler's wife, in
+filthy three-turned-and-dyed common satin."
+
+"Scoundrel!"
+
+"Rascal! But he was discovered--he reeled home drunk. _I_, that is, as
+it's known, _we_ make the men. The Cornet saw him, and thrashed him
+soundly with a three-foot Crowther."
+
+"That must have been delightful to your feelings."
+
+"Not very."
+
+"Why not? revenge is sweet."
+
+"So it is; but as the Cornet forgot to order him to take me off, I got the
+worst of the drubbing. I was dreadfully cut about. Two buttons fearfully
+lacerated--nothing but the shanks left."
+
+"How did it end?"
+
+"The valet mentioned something about wages and assault warrants, so I was
+given to him to make the matter up. Between you and I, the Cornet was very
+hard up."
+
+"Indeed!"
+
+"Certain of it. You remember the French-grey trousers we used to walk out
+with--those he strapped so tight over the remarkably chatty and pleasant
+French-polished boots whose broken English we used to admire so much?"
+
+"Of course I do; they were the most charming greys I ever met. They beat
+the plaids into fits; and the plaids were far from ungentlemanly, only
+they would always talk with a sham Scotch accent, and quote the 'Cotter's
+Saturday Night.'"
+
+"Certainly that was a drawback. But to return to our friends, and the
+Cornet's friends, they must have been bad, for those very greys were
+seated."
+
+"Impossible!"
+
+"Fact, I assure you. My tails were pinned over the patch for three weeks."
+
+"How did they bear it?"
+
+"Shockingly. A general break up of the constitution--went all to pieces.
+First, decay appeared in the brace buttons; then the straps got out of
+order. They did say it was owing to the heels of the French-polished boots
+going down on one side, but the boots would never admit it."
+
+"How did you get here?"
+
+"I came from the Bench for eggs and bacon for the Cornet and his Valet's
+breakfast! What brought you?"
+
+"The Count's landlady, for a week's rent."
+
+"What did you fetch?"
+
+"A guinea!"
+
+"Bless me, you must have worn well."
+
+"No; hold your tongue--I think I shall die with laughing,--ha! ha!--When
+they took me in, I returned the compliment. I've been--"
+
+"What?"
+
+"Cuffed and collared!"
+
+"Ha! ha! ha! ha!" shouted both coats; and "Ha! ha!" shouted I; "And I'll
+teach you to 'ha! ha!' and neglect your business" shouted the Governor;
+and the reality of a stunning box on the ear dispelled the illusion of my
+"Day-dream at my Uncle's."
+
+FUSBOS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"BLOW GENTLE BREEZE."
+
+The Reverend Henry _Snow_, M.A., has been inducted by the Bishop of
+Gloucester, to the Vicarage of Sherborne cum _Windrush_.
+
+  From Glo'ster _see_, a _windrush_ came, and lo!
+  On Sherborne Vicarage it drifted _Snow_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE.
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII.
+
+SHOWS WHAT'S AFTER A PARTY, AND WHAT'S IN A NAME.
+
+
+[Illustration: U]Undoubtedly on the following day 24 Pleasant-terrace was
+the most uncomfortable place in the universe. Some one has said that
+wherever Pleasure is, Pain is certain not to be far off; and the truth of
+the allegory is never better exemplified than on the day after "a most
+delightful party." We can only compare it to the morning succeeding a
+victory by which the conqueror has gained a great deal of glory at a very
+considerable expenditure of _matériel_. Let us accompany the mistress of
+the house as she proceeds from room to room, to ascertain the damage done
+by the enemy upon the furniture and decorations. A light damask curtain is
+found to have been saturated with port wine; a ditto chair-cushion has
+been doing duty as a dripping-pan to a cluster of wax-lights; a china
+shepherdess, having been brought into violent collision with the tail of a
+raging lion on the mantel-piece, has reduced the noble beast to the
+short-cut condition of a Scotch colley. A broken candle has perversely
+fallen the only way in which it could have done any damage, and has thrown
+the quicksilver on the back of a large looking-glass into an alarming
+state of eruption. The return of "cracked and broken" presents a fearful
+list of smashage and fracture: _the best_ tea-set is rendered unfit for
+active service, being minus two saucers, a cup-handle, and a milk-jug; the
+green and gold dessert-plates have been frightfully reduced in numbers;
+two fiddle-handle spoons are completely _hors de combat_, having been
+placed under the legs of the supper-table to keep it steady; seven
+straw-stemmed wine-glasses awfully shattered during the
+"three-times-three" discharge in honour of the toast of the Heir of
+Applebites; four cut tumblers injured past recovery in a fit of
+"entusymusy" by four young gentlemen who were accidentally left by
+themselves in the supper-room; eighteen silver-plated dessert-knives
+reduced to the character of saws, by a similar number of "nice fellows"
+who were endeavouring to do the agreeable with the champagne, and
+consequently could distinguish no difference between wire and
+grape-stalks. The destruction in the kitchen had been equally great: the
+extra waiter had placed his heel on a ham-sandwich, and, consequently, sat
+down rather hurriedly on the floor with a large tray of sundries in his
+lap, the result of which was, according to the following
+
+    OFFICIAL RETURN,
+
+    Two decanters         starred;
+    One salt-cellar       smithereened;
+    Four tumblers         cracked uncommonly;
+    An extra waiter       many bruises, and fractured pantaloons.
+
+The day after a party is certain to be a sloppy day; and as the
+street-door is constantly being opened and shut, a raw, rheumatical wind
+is ever in active operation. Both these miseries were consequent upon the
+Applebite festivities, and Agamemnon saw a series of catarrhs enter the
+house as the rout-stools made their exit. He was quite right; for the next
+fortnight neck-of-mutton broth was the standard bill of fare, only varied
+by tea, gruel, and toast-and-water.
+
+There is no evil without its attendant good; and the temporary
+imprisonment of the Applebite family induced them to consider the
+propriety of naming the infant heir, for hitherto he had been called "the
+cherub," "the sweet one," "the mother's duck of the world," and "daddy's
+darling." Several names had been suggested by the several friends and
+relatives of the family, but nothing decisive had been agreed to.
+
+Agamemnon wished his heir to be called Isaac, after his grandfather, the
+member for Puddingbury, "in the hope," as he expressed himself, "that he
+might in after years be stimulated to emulate the distinguished talents
+and virtues of his great ancestor." (Overruled by Mrs. Waddledot, Mrs.
+Applebite, and the rest of the ladies. Isaac declared vulgar, except in
+the case of the member for Puddingbury.)
+
+Mrs. Waddledot was anxious that the boy should be christened Roger de
+Dickey, after her mother's great progenitor, who was said to have come
+over with William the Conqueror, but whether in the capacity of a lacquey
+or a lord-in-waiting was never, and perhaps never will be, determined.
+(Opposed by Agamemnon, on the ground that ill-natured people would be sure
+to dispense with the De, and his heir would be designated as Roger Dickey.
+In this opinion Mrs. Applebite concurred.)
+
+The lady-mother was still more perplexing; she proposed that he should be
+called--
+
+ALBERT (we give her own reasons)--because the Queen's husband was so
+named.
+
+AGAMEMNON--because of the alliteration and his papa.
+
+DAVIS--because an old maiden lady who was independent had said that she
+thought it a good name for a boy, as her own was Davis.
+
+MONTAGUE--because it was a nice-sounding name, and the one she intended to
+address him by in general conversation.
+
+COLLUMPSION--as her papa.
+
+PHIPPS--because she had had a dream in which a number of bags or gold were
+marked P.H.I.P.P.S.; and
+
+APPLEBITE--as a matter of course.
+
+(Objected to by Mrs. Waddledot, for--nothing in particular, and by
+Agamemnon on the score of economy. The heir being certain to employ a
+lawyer, would be certain to pay an enormous interest in that way alone.)
+
+Friends were consulted, but without any satisfactory result; and at length
+it was agreed that the names should be written upon strips of paper and
+drawn by the nominees. The necessary arrangements being completed, the
+three proceeded to the ballot.
+
+    Mrs. Waddledot  drew  Isaac.
+    Agamemnon       drew  Roger de Dickey.
+    Mrs. Applebite  drew  Phipps.
+
+As a matter of course everybody was dissatisfied; but with a "stern
+virtue" everybody kept it to themselves, and the heir was accordingly
+christened Isaac Roger de Dickey Phipps Applebite.
+
+Old John soon realised Agamemnon's fears of Mrs. Waddledot's selection,
+for, whether the patronym of the Norman invader was more in accordance
+with his own ideas of propriety, or was more readily suggestive to his
+mind of the infant heir, he was continually speaking of little master
+Dicky; and upon being remonstrated with upon the subject promised
+amendment for the future. All, however, was of no use, for John jumbled
+the Phipps, the Roger, the Dickey, and the De together, but always
+contriving most perversely to
+
+[Illustration: "PUT THE CART BEFORE THE HORSE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A SCANDALOUS REPORT.
+
+We are requested to contradict, by authority, the report that Colonel
+Sibthorp was the Guy Fawkes seen in Parliament-street. It is true that a
+deputation waited upon him to solicit him to take the chair on the 5th of
+November, but the gallant Colonel modestly declined, much to the
+disappointment of the young gentlemen who presented the requisition; so
+much so indeed, that, after exhausting their oratorical powers, they
+slightly hinted at having recourse to
+
+[Illustration: PHYSICAL FORCE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"ROB ME THE EXCHEQUER, HAL."
+
+  No wonder Smith Exchequer Bills,
+  Should have a _taste_ for gorging,
+  For since the work the pocket fills,
+  What _Smith_'s averse to _forging_?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE FIRE AT THE TOWER.
+
+This is a sad business, there is no doubt, and the excitement which
+prevailed may probably excuse the eccentricities that occurred, and to
+which we beg leave to call the public attention.
+
+In the first place, by way of ensuring the safety of the property,
+precautions were taken to shut out every one from the building; and as
+military rule knows of no exception, the orders given were executed to the
+letter by preventing the ingress of the firemen with their engines until
+the general order of exclusion was followed by a countermand. This of
+course took time, leaving the fire to devour at its leisure the enormous
+meal that fate had prepared for it.
+
+After the admission of the firemen there was the usual mishap of no water
+where it could be got at, but an abundant supply where there was no
+possibility of reaching it. The tanks which the hose could be got into
+were almost dry, while the Thames was in the most provoking way almost
+overflowing its banks in the very neighbourhood of the fire; and yet, if
+the pipes were laid on to the water, they were laid off too far from the
+building to have the least effect upon it.
+
+The next eccentricity consisted in the sudden idea that suggested itself
+to somebody, that all energy should be devoted to saving the jewels, which
+were not in the smallest danger, and even if they had been, there was
+nobody knew how to get at them, the key being some miles off in the
+possession of the Lord Chamberlain. It might as well have been at the
+bottom of the Thames; and, of course, everybody began tugging at the iron
+bars, which were at length forced, and the jewels were, at a great cost of
+time and trouble, removed _to a place of safety_ from _a position of the
+most perfect security!!_ However, this showed activity if nothing else,
+and of course made the subject of paragraphs about "presence of mind,"
+"indefatigable exertions," and "superhuman efforts" on the part of certain
+persons who, for the good they were doing, might just as well have been
+carrying the piece of artillery in St. James's Park into the enclosure
+opposite.
+
+While the jewels were being hurried from one part of the Tower, where they
+were quite safe, to another where they were not more so, it never occurred
+to any one to rescue from danger the arms, which were being quietly
+consumed, while the crown and regalia were being jolted about with the
+most injurious activity.
+
+The treatment of some of the reporters was another curious point of this
+melancholy business; and a gentleman from a weekly journal, on applying at
+head-quarters, found his own head suddenly quartered by a blow from a
+musket. This was rather unceremonious treatment on the part of the
+privates of the line to a person who is also
+
+[Illustration: ATTACHED TO THE LINE.]
+
+--the penny-a-line we mean; but with a true _gusto_ for accidents, and a
+relish for calamities, which nothing could subdue, he still pressed
+forward, with blood streaming from his fractured skull, for additional
+particulars. The American reporter whose hand was blown off, and had the
+good fortune to be upon the spot, is not to be compared with the hero who
+had the exclusive advantage of being able to supply practical information
+of the ruffianly conduct pursued by the soldiery.
+
+It is not stated whether the fire-escape was on the spot; but as no one
+lived in the building that was burnt, it is highly probable that every
+effort was made to save the lives of the inhabitants. There is no doubt
+that the ladder was strenuously directed towards the clock tower, with the
+view, probably, of saving the "jolly cock" who used to adorn the top of
+it.
+
+The reporters mark as a miracle the extraordinary fact, that during the
+whole time of the fire, the weathercock continued to vary with the wind.
+The gentlemen of the press, probably, expected that the awful solemnity of
+the scene would have rendered any man, not entirely lost to every sense of
+feeling, completely motionless. The apathy of the weathercock that went on
+whirling about as if nothing had happened, is in the highest degree
+disgusting, and we can scarcely regret the fate of such an unfeeling
+animal.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PLEASE TO REMEMBER THE FIFTH OF NOVEMBER.
+
+November, that month of fires, fogs, _felo de ses_, and Fawkes, has been
+ushered in with becoming ceremony at the Tower and at various other parts
+of the metropolis. In vain has an Act of Parliament been passed for the
+suppression of bonfires--November asserts her rights, and will have her
+modicum of "flare up" in spite of the law; but with the trickery of an Old
+Bailey barrister she has thrown the onus upon October. Nor is this all!
+Like a traitorous Eccalobeion she has already hatched several
+conspiracies, as though everybody now thought of getting rid of others or
+themselves.
+
+The Right Hon. Spring-heel Rice Baron Jamescrow, commonly known as the
+Lord Monteagle, has, like his historical synonym, been favoured with a
+communication which being considerably beyond his own comprehension, he
+has in a laudable spirit submitted it to Punch--an evidence of wisdom
+which we really did not expect from our friend Baron Jamescrow.
+
+We subjoin the introductory epistle--
+
+    DEAR PUNCH,--I hasten to forward you the awful letter enclosed--we
+    are all abroad here concerning it--by the bye, how are you all at
+    home--to say the least, it certainly does look very ugly. Mrs. P.,
+    I hope, has improved in appearance. Something terrible is
+    evidently about to happen. I intend to pay you a visit shortly. I
+    trust we may not have to encounter any more Guys--you may expect
+    to see me on my Friday. I can only add my prayers for the nation's
+    safety and my compliments to Mrs. Punch and the young P.s.
+
+    Yours ever,
+
+    MONTEAGLE.
+
+    P.S. Let me have your advice and your last Number immediately I
+    have made a few notes, and paid the postage.
+
+The following is the letter referred to by the Baron Jamescrow:--
+
+    MY LORD,--Being known to some of your friends I would advise you,
+    as you tender your peace and quiet, to devise some excuse to shift
+    off your attendance at your house (clearly the House of
+    Lords--_Monteagle_), for fire and brimstone have united to destroy
+    the enemies of man (evidently gunpowder, lucifer-matches, and the
+    Peers--_Monteagle_). Think not lightly of my advertisement (see
+    _Dispatch_), but retire yourself in the country (I should think I
+    would--_Monteagle_), where you may abide in safety; for though
+    there be no appearance of any _punæ_; (what the deuce does this
+    mean? Puny's little--_Monteagle_), yet they will receive a
+    terrible blow-up (By punæ he means members of Parliament, and he
+    _is_ another Guy!--_Monteagle_); yet they shall not see who hurts
+    them, though the place shall be purified and the enemy completely
+    destroyed.
+
+    I am, your Lordship's servant,
+
+    and destroyer to her Majesty and the two Houses of Parliament.
+
+    T.I.F. Fin.
+
+We are surprised at our friend Monteagle troubling us with a matter
+evidently as plain as the nose on our own face. It requires neither a
+Solon nor a Punch to solve the enigma. It is merely a letter from Tiffin,
+the bug destroyer to her Majesty, and refers to his peculiar plan of
+persecuting the _punæ_.
+
+We have no doubt that Lords and Commons will be blown up on the
+re-assembling of Parliament; and as an assurance that we do not speak upon
+conjecture only, we beg to subjoin a portrait of the delinquent.
+
+[Illustration: THE MODERN GUY VAUX.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE RIVAL CANDIDATES.
+
+Be not afraid, gentle reader, that, from the title of our present article,
+we are about to prescribe for you any political draught. No! be assured
+that we know as little about politics as pyrotechny--that we are as
+blissfully ignorant of all that relates to the science of government as
+that of gastronomy--and have ever since our boyhood preferred the solid
+consistency of gingerbread to the crisp insipidity of parliament. The
+candidates of whom we write were no would-be senators--no sprouting
+Ciceros or embryo Demosthenes'--they were no aspirants for the grand
+honour of representing the honest and independent stocks and stones of
+some ancient rotten borough, or, what is about the same thing, the
+enlightened ten-pound voters of some modern reformed one--they were not
+ambitious of the proud privilege of appending for seven years two letters
+to their names, and of franking some half-dozen others _per diem_. No! the
+rivals who form the theme of our present paper were emulous of obtaining
+no place in Parliament, but, what is far more desirable, a place in the
+affections of a lovely maid. They sought not for the suffrages of the
+unwashed, but for the smiles of a fair one,--they neither desired to be
+returned as the representative of so many sordid voters for the term of
+seven years (a term of transportation common alike to M.P.s and
+pickpockets), but for the more permanent honour of being elected as the
+partner of a certain lady for life.
+
+Georgiana Gray was the lovely object of the rivalry of the above
+candidates; and a damsel more eminently qualified to be the innocent cause
+of contention could not be found within the whole catalogue of those dear
+destructive little creatures who, from Eve downwards, have always
+possessed a peculiar patent for mischief-making. Georgiana was as handsome
+as she was rich. She was, in the superlative sense of the word, a beauty,
+and--what ought to be written in letters of gold--an heiress. She had the
+figure of a sylph, and the purse of a nabob. Her face was lovely and
+animated enough to enrapture a Raffaelle, and her fortune ample enough to
+captivate a Rothschild. She had a clear rent-roll of 20,000l. per
+annum,--and a pair of eyes that, independent of her other attractions,
+were sufficiently fascinating to seduce Diogenes himself into matrimony.
+
+Philosophers generally affirm that the only substance capable of producing
+a magnetic effect is steel; but had they been witnesses of the great
+attraction that the fortune of our fair heroine had for its many eager
+pursuers, they would doubtless have agreed with us that the metal
+possessing the greatest possible power of magnetism is decidedly--gold.
+Innumerable were the butterflies that were drawn towards the lustre of
+the lovely Georgiana's money; and many a suitor, who set a high value upon
+his personal qualifications, might be found at her side endeavouring to
+persuade its pretty possessor of the eligible investment that might be
+made of the property in himself. Report, however, had invidiously declared
+that Georgiana looked with a cold and contemptuous eye upon the addresses
+of all save two.
+
+Augustus Peacock and Julius Candy (this enviable duo) were two such young
+men as may be met with in herds any fine afternoon publishing their
+persons to the frequenters of Regent-street. They did credit to their
+tailors, who were liberal enough to give them credit in return. Their
+coats were guiltless of a wrinkle, their gloves immaculate in their
+chastity, and their boots resplendent in their brilliancy. Indeed they
+were human annuals--splendidly bound, handsomely embellished--but replete
+with nothing but fashionable frivolities. They never ventured out till
+such time as they imagined the streets were well-aired, and were never
+known to indulge in an Havannah till twelve o'clock P.M. They were
+scrupulous in their attentions to the Opera and the figurantes, and had no
+objection to wear the chains of matrimony provided the links were made of
+gold. In fine, they were of that common genus of gentlemen who lounge
+through life, and leave nothing behind them but a tombstone and a small
+six-shilling advertisement amongst the Deaths of some morning newspaper as
+a record of their having existed.
+
+Such were the persons and the qualifications of the gentlemen to whom
+report had assigned the possession of the hand and fortune of the fair
+Georgiana Gray. But, happy as they respectively felt to be thus singled
+out for the proud distinction, still the knowledge of there being a rival
+in the field to dispute the glories of the conquest materially detracted
+from that feeling. They had each heard of the pretensions of the other;
+and while the peace of the one was repeatedly disturbed by the panegyrics
+of Mr. P., the harmony of the other met with an equal violation from the
+eulogies of Mr. C.; and although their respective vanities would not allow
+them to believe that the lady in question could be so deficient in taste
+as to prefer any other person to their precious selves, still it was but
+natural that they should neither look upon the other with any other
+feeling than that of disgust at the egregious impudence, and contempt for
+the superlative conceit, that could lead any other man to enter the lists
+as an opponent to themselves. Repeatedly had Mr. P. been heard to express
+his desire to lengthen the olfactory organ of Mr. C.; while the latter had
+frequently been known to declare that nothing would confer greater
+gratification upon him than to endorse with his cane the person of Mr. P.
+In fact, they hated each other with all possible cordiality. Fortunately,
+however, circumstances had never brought them into collision.
+
+It was a lovely afternoon in May. All the world were returning to town.
+Georgiana Gray had just forsaken Harrowgate and its waters, to participate
+in the thickening gaieties of the metropolis. Augustus Peacock had
+abandoned the moors of Scotland for the beauties of Almack's; and Julius
+Candy had hastened from the banks of the Wye for the fascinations of
+Taglioni and the Opera.
+
+The first object of Augustus on returning to town was to hasten and pay
+his devoirs to _his_ intended. With this intent he proceeded to the
+mansion of Georgiana, and was ushered into the drawing-room, with the
+assurance that the lady would be with him immediately. The servant,
+however, had no sooner quitted the apartment than Mr. Candy, actuated by a
+similar motive, knocked at the door, and was speedily conducted into the
+presence of his rival.
+
+The two gentlemen, being mutually ignorant of the person of the other,
+bowed with all the formality usual to a first introduction.
+
+"Fine day, sir," said Augustus Peacock, after a short pause, little aware
+that he was holding communion with his rival.
+
+"It is--very fine, sir," returned Julius Candy with a smile, which, had he
+been conscious of the person he was addressing, would instantly have been
+converted into a most contemptuous sneer.
+
+"Have you had the pleasure of seeing Miss Gray, sir, since her return from
+Harrowgate?" inquired Augustus, with the soft civility of a man of
+fashion.
+
+"No,--I have not yet had that honour, sir; no,"--replied Julius, with a
+slight inclination of his body.
+
+"Charming girl, sir," remarked Mr. Peacock.
+
+"Fascinating creature," responded Mr. Candy.
+
+"Did you ever see _such_ eyes, sir?" continued Mr. P.
+
+"Never! 'pon my honour! never!"--exclaimed Julius, in a tone of moderate
+enthusiasm. "You may call _them_ eyes, sir," and here he elevated his own.
+
+"And what lips?"
+
+"Positively provoking!"
+
+"Ah, sir!" languishingly remarked Augustus, "he will be a happy may who
+gets possession of such a treasure!"
+
+"He will, indeed, sir," returned his unknown rival, with an air of
+self-satisfaction, as if he believed that happiness was likely to be his
+own.
+
+"You are aware, I suppose, sir," proceeded the communicative Mr. Peacock,
+"that there is a certain party whom Miss Gray looks upon with particular
+favour"--and the gentleman, to give peculiar emphasis to the remark,
+slightly elevated his cravat.
+
+"I should think I ought to be"--pointedly returned Mr. C.--simpering
+somewhat diffidently at the idea that the observation was levelled at
+himself.
+
+The two rivals looked at each other, tittered, and bowed.
+
+"Ah! yes--I dare say--observed it, no doubt!" said Augustus, when his
+emotion had subsided.
+
+"Why, yes--I should have been blind indeed could I have failed to remark
+it," responded Julius.
+
+"Ah yes--you're right--yes--Miss Gray's attentions have been particularly
+marked, certainly--yes."
+
+"They have been, sir, very, _very_ marked--she's quite taken, poor thing,
+I believe!"
+
+"Yes, poor creature!--sadly smitten indeed!--The lady has confessed as
+much to you perhaps, sir?"
+
+Mr. Candy looked surprised at the remark of his companion, and replied
+"Why really, sir, that is a question which"--
+
+"Ah, yes, I beg pardon, I was wrong--yes, I ought to have considered--but
+candidly, sir, what do you think of the match?"
+
+"'Pon my honour, my dear sir," exclaimed Julius most feelingly, colouring
+slightly at the question, which he thought was rather home-thrust.
+
+"Ah, yes, to be sure, it is rather a delicate question, considering, you
+know, that one is in the presence of the party himself, is it not?"
+
+"Very, _very_ delicate, I can assure you," said Julius, who, "laying the
+flattering unction to his soul" that he was the party alluded to, thought
+it rather an indelicate one.
+
+Augustus observed the embarrassment of his companion, and could not
+refrain from laughter, and turning round to his companion, enquired
+significantly, "whether he did not think he was a happy man?"
+
+Julius, who was in a measure similarly affected by the excitement of his
+unknown friend, observed, that the gentleman certainly did seem of a
+peculiarly gay disposition; and the two rivals, each delighted with the
+fancied approval of his suit by the other, indulged a mutual cachinnation.
+
+"I suppose," after a slight pause remarked Augustus, with apparently
+perfect indifference, "you are aware that there was a rival in the field?"
+
+"Oh! ah! did hear of a fellow," responded Julius, with equal
+_insouciance_, "but the idea of any other man carrying off the prize,
+perfectly ridiculous!"
+
+"Oh! absolutely ludicrous, 'pon my soul! Ha! ha! ha!"
+
+"It is astonishing the confounded vanity of some people!"
+
+"And their preposterous obtuseness! why, a man with half an eye might see
+the folly of such presumption."
+
+"To be sure, stupid dolt!"
+
+"Impudent puppy!"
+
+"Conceited fool!"
+
+"The fellow must be out of his senses!"
+
+"Yes, a horsewhipping perhaps might bring him to!"
+
+"Ay, or a good kicking might be salutary!"
+
+The unanimity of the rival candidates produced, as might be supposed from
+their ignorance of the pretensions of each other, a feeling of mutual
+satisfaction and friendship, which, after a volley of anathemas had been
+fired by each gentleman against his rival, in absolute unconsciousness of
+his presence, ultimately displayed itself by each of them rising from his
+chair, and shaking the other most energetically by the hand.
+
+"Really, my dear sir," exclaimed Augustus in an inordinate fit of
+enthusiasm, at the supposed sympathy of his companion, "I never met with
+a gentleman so peculiarly to my fancy as yourself."
+
+"The feeling is perfectly reciprocal, believe me, my dear sir," returned
+Julius, equally delighted with the imagined friendship of Mr. P.
+
+"I trust that our acquaintance will not end here."
+
+"I shall be most proud to cultivate it, I can assure you."
+
+"Will you allow me to present you with a card?"
+
+"I shall be too happy to exchange it for one of my own!" and so saying,
+the parties searched for their cases--Mr. P., in the mean time, protesting
+his gratification "to meet with a gentleman whose opinions so thoroughly
+coincided with his own,"--and Mr. C. as emphatically declaring "that he
+should ever consider this the most fortunate occurrence of his life."
+
+"Believe me, I shall be most happy to see you at any time," observed Mr.
+Augustus Peacock, smiling as he placed the small oblong of cardboard which
+bore his name and address in the hand of his companion.
+
+"I shall feel too proud if you will honour me with a call at your earliest
+convenience," said Mr. Julius Candy bowing, while he presented to his
+fancied friend the little pasteboard parallelogram inscribed with his
+title and residence.
+
+The eyes of the two gentlemen, however, were no sooner directed to the
+cards, which had been placed in their hands, than the smiles which had
+previously gladdened their countenances were instantaneously changed into
+expressions of the most indignant scorn and surprise.
+
+"Peacock!" shouted Candy.
+
+"Candy!" vociferated Peacock.
+
+"Sir!" exclaimed the furious Mr. P., "had I known that Candy was the name
+of the man, sir, whom I was addressing, sir, my conduct you would have
+found, sir, of a very different character!"
+
+"And had I been aware," retorted the exasperated Mr. C., "that Peacock was
+the title of the _fellow_" (and he laid a forty-horse power of emphasis
+upon the word) "with whom I have been conversing, my card would never have
+been delivered to him but with a different motive."
+
+"Fellow, sir! I think you said--_Fellow_, sir!"
+
+"I did, sir,--fellow was the word I used, and I repeat
+it--fellow--fellow!"
+
+"You do, sir! and I throw back in your teeth, sir, with the addition of
+fool, sir!"
+
+"Fool!--no, no--not quite a fool--only _near_ one, sir!"
+
+"You're a conceited puppy, sir!"
+
+"And you are an impudent scoundrel, sir!"
+
+This brought matters to a crisis. The parties embraced their canes with
+more than ordinary ardour, and, by their lowering looks, indicated a
+fervent desire to violate the peace of her blessed Majesty, when the fair
+cause of their contention suddenly entered the apartment.
+
+It was no difficult matter, in the positions they occupied, for Georgiana
+to divine the reason of their animosity; which she effectually allayed by
+informing the angry disputants, "that either had no reason to look upon
+the other with any degree of jealousy, for she humbly begged to assure
+them that her affections were devoted to--_neither_."
+
+This, of course, put a full stop to their chivalry: each party seized his
+hat, bowing distantly to the insensible Georgiana, and left the house,
+vowing certain destruction to the other; but, upon cool reflection,
+Messrs. C. and P. doubtless deemed it advisable not to endanger the small
+quantum of brains they individually possessed, by fighting for a lady who
+was so utterly blind to their manifold merits.
+
+Thus ended the feud of THE RIVAL CANDIDATES.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SIR FRANCIS BURDETT'S VISIT TO THE TOWER.
+
+On the news of the fire in the Tower of London being told to Sir Francis
+Burdett, he hurried to the scene of the conflagration, which must have
+suggested some unpleasing reminiscences of his lost popularity and faded
+glory. Some thirty years ago, those very walls received him like a second
+Hampden, the undaunted defender of his country's rights;--on last Monday
+he entered them a broken-down unhonoured parasite. Gazing on the black and
+smouldering ruins before him--he perhaps compared them to his own
+patriotism, for he was heard to matter audibly--
+
+[Illustration: CAN IT BE THAT THIS IS ALL REMAINS OF THEE?]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+REFORM YOUR LAWYERS' BILLS.
+
+It is a well-known and established fact, that nothing so far conduces to
+the domestic happiness of all circles as the golden system of living
+within one's income. Luxuries cease to be so if after-reflection produces
+vexatious results; comfort flies before an exorbitant and unprepared-for
+demand; and the debtor dunned by the merciless creditor sinks into
+something worse than a cipher, as nothingness is denied him, and the _one_
+standing before him but aggravates, and multiplies his painful annoyances.
+The great secret of satisfactory existence derives its origin from
+well-calculated and moderate expenditure. Ten thousand a year renders
+pines cheap at 1l. 11s. 6d. per pound; ten hundred is better exemplified
+by Ribston pippins!
+
+So in all grades are there various matters of taste which become
+extravagance if rushed into by persons unbreeched for the occasion.
+Luckily for the present day, the tastes of the gourmand and epicure are
+merged in more manly sports; the great class of Corinthian aristocrats
+cull sweets from the blackened eyes of policemen--raptures from
+wrenched-off knockers--merriment in contusions--and frantic delight in
+fractured limbs! These innocent amusements have in their prosecution
+plunged many of their thoughtless and high-spirited devotees into
+pecuniary difficulties, simply from their ignorance of the costs attendant
+upon such exciting, fashionable, and therefore highly proper amusements.
+
+Ever anxious to ameliorate the suffering and persecuted of ail classes,
+Messrs. Quibble and Quirk, attorneys-at-law, beg to offer their
+professional services at the following fixed and equitable rate,--they,
+Messrs. Q. and Q., pledging themselves that on no occasion shall the
+charge exceed the sum opposite the particular amusement in the following
+list.
+
+    N.B. Five per cent, per annum taken off for terms of imprisonment.
+
+    [Illustration: hand] N.B. For prompt payment only.
+
+    Messrs. Q. and Q.'s _card_ of charges for defending a
+    Nobleman, Right Honble., Baronet, Knight, Esquire., Gentleman,
+    Younger Son, Head Clerk, Junior do., Westminster Boy, Medical
+    Student, Grecian at Christ's Church, Monitor, or any other
+    miscellaneous individual aping or belonging to the aristocracy,
+    from the following prosecutions:--
+
+                                                            £  s.
+    To breaking a policeman's neck                          50  0
+    To producing witnesses to swear policeman broke same
+        himself                                             10  0
+    To choice of situation of house in street where done,
+        from roof of which policeman fell; fee to landlord'
+        for number and affidavit                            10 10
+                                                            -----
+      Total for neck, acquittal, witnesses, and perjury    £70 10
+                                                            -----
+    For do. leg, ribs, arms, head, nose, or other
+        unimportant member                                   15 0
+    For receipt written by wife of handsome provision         1 0
+    For writing and indorsing same                            5 5
+    Extras for alibis, if necessary; hire of clothes for
+        witnesses to look decent, including loss by their
+        absconding with the name                            10 10
+                                                            -----
+      Total                                                £31 15
+                                                            -----
+    For knockers by gross in populous neighbourhoods        20  0
+    For carpenter proving same never fitted their
+        respective doors there engaged                       3  3
+    All extras included                                      1  1
+                                                            -----
+      Total                                                £24  4
+
+    N.B.--Messrs. Q. and Q. beg to suggest, as the above charges are
+    low, the old iron may as well be left at their offices.
+
+    For railings, per knob or dozen, assaults on police
+        included, if not amounting to fracture               5  5
+    For suppressing police reports, or getting them put
+        in in a sporting manner, the word gentleman
+        substituted for prisoner, and "seat on the bench"
+        for "place at the bar"                              10 10
+                                                            -----
+      Total                                                £15 15
+
+    And all other legal articles in the above lines at equally low
+    charges.
+
+    Noblemen and gentlemen contracting for seven years allowed a
+    handsome discount. No connexion with any other house.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"WHEN VULCAN FORGED," &c.
+
+"Bless my soul!" said Sir Peter Laurie, rushing into the Justice-room the
+morning the Exchequer Bill affair was discovered, and seizing Hobler by
+the button; "This is a dreadful business. Have you any idea, Hobler, who
+the delinquent is?" "Why really, Sir Peter, 'tis difficult to say; but
+from an inspection of the _forged_ instruments I should say it was
+_Smith's work_." Sir Peter felt the importance of the suggestion, and
+rushed off to Sir Robert Peel to recommend the stoppage of all the forges
+in the kingdom.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PEEL'S PRE-EXISTENCE!
+
+"Every man is not only himself," says Sir THOMAS BROWNE; "there hath been
+many Diogenes, and as many Timons, though but few of that name. _Men are
+lived over again_. The world is now as it was in ages past: there was none
+then but there hath been some one since that parallels him, and, as it
+were, _his revived self_." We are devout believers in the creed.
+
+HERR VON TEUFELSKOPF was a High German doctor, of the first class. He had
+taken his diploma of Beelzebub in the Black Forest, and was gifted with as
+fine a hand to force a card--with as glib a tongue to harangue a mob at
+wakes and fairs, as any professor since the birth of the fourth grace of
+life,--swindling. He would talk until his head smoked of his list of
+miraculous cures--of his balsams, his anodynes, his elixirs; in the
+benevolence of his soul he would, to accommodate the pockets of the poor,
+sell a pennyworth of the philosopher's stone; and, as a further
+illustration of his sympathy for suffering man or woman, give, even for a
+kreutzer, a mouthful of the Fountain of Youth. As a water-doctor, too, his
+Sagacity was inconceivable.  A hundred years ago, he told to a fraction
+the amount of the national debt, from a single glance at the specimen sent
+him by JOHN BULL; and more, for five-and-twenty years predicted who would
+be the incoming Lord Mayor of London, from an inspection of a pint of
+water presented to him every season from Aldgate-pump. He could prophesy
+all the politics of the Court of Aldermen from a phial filled at
+Fleet-ditch; and could at any time--no trifling task--tell the amount of
+corruption in the House of Commons, by taking up a handful of water at
+Westminster-bridge. On his stolen visit to England--for the honour he has
+done our country has never been generally known--he calculated to a nicety
+how many puppies and kittens were annually drowned in the Thames, and how
+many suicides--particularising the sex and dress of each sufferer--were
+committed in the same period, from a bottlefull of Thames water brought to
+him wherewith to dilute his brandy at the Ship public house, Greenwich--a
+hostelry much frequented by Doctor TEUFELSKOPF. We have seen the
+calculation very beautifully illuminated on ass's skin, and at this moment
+deposited in the college of Heligoland. It is not generally known that the
+Doctor died in this country; lustily predicting, however, that after a nap
+of a score or so of years he would return to this life in an entirely new
+character. The Doctor has kept his word. HERR VON TEUFELSKOPF, as Sir
+THOMAS BROWNE says, is "lived over again" in Sir ROBERT PEEL!
+
+It is impossible to reflect upon the enlarged humanity of Sir ROBERT--for
+though, indeed, he is no other than the old German quack revived, we will
+not refuse to him his new name--toward the sufferers of Paisley, without
+feeling that the fine spirit of finesse which made the reputation of the
+student of the Black Forest has in no way suffered from its long sleep;
+but, on the contrary, has risen very much refreshed for new practice. The
+Doctor never compassed so fine a sleight as Sir ROBERT when lately,
+playing the philanthropist, he struck his breeches' pocket with a spasm of
+benevolence, and pulled therefrom--fifty pounds! Only a few weeks before,
+Sir ROBERT had sworn by all his list of former cures, that he would clothe
+the naked and feed the hungry, if he were duly authorised and duly paid
+for such Christian-like solicitude. He is called in; he then prorogues
+Parliament to the tune of "Go to the devil and shake yourself," and sits
+down in the easy chair of salary, and tries to think! Disturbed in his
+contemplations by the groans and screams of the famishing, he addresses
+the starving multitude from the windows of Downing-street, telling them he
+can do nothing for them in a large way, but--the fee he has received to
+cure them can afford as much--graciously throwing them fifty pounds from
+his private compassion! As a statesman he is powerless; but he has no
+objection to subscribe to the Mendicity Society.
+
+It is an old hacknied abuse of NERO, that when Rome was in flame he
+accompanied the crackling of doors and rafters with his very best fiddle.
+We grant this showed a want of fine sympathy on the part of NERO; there
+was, nevertheless, a boldness, an exhibition of nerve, in such
+instrumentation. Any way, it leaves us with a higher respect for NERO than
+if he had been found playing on the burning Pantheon with a penny squirt.
+His mockery of the Romans, bad as it was, was not the mockery of
+compassion.
+
+"I will make bread cheap for you," says Sir ROBERT PEEL to the Paisley
+sufferers; "I will not enable you to buy the quartern loaf at a reduced
+rate by your own industry, but I will treat you to a penny roll, at its
+present size, from my own purse." Whereupon the Tories clap their hands
+and cry, "What magnanimity!"
+
+What should we say if, on another Pie-lane conflagration of London, the
+Minister were to issue an order commanding all the fire-offices to make no
+attempt to extinguish the flames, and were then to exclaim to the
+sufferers, "My friends, I deeply sympathize with you; but the Phoenix
+shall not budge, the Hand-in-Hand mustn't move a finger, the Eagle must
+stay where it is; nevertheless, there is a little private fire-engine of
+my own at Tamworth; you are heartily welcome to the use of it, and pray
+heaven it may put this terrible fire out, and once more make you snug and
+comfortable."
+
+Quackery is of more ancient birth than many very honest people suspect;
+nay, more than, were the register of its nativity laid before their eyes,
+they would be willing to admit. We have no space for its voluminous
+history; but it is our belief, since quackery first plied its profitable
+trade with human incredulity, it never perpetrated so successful a trick
+as that exhibited by Sir ROBERT PEEL in his motion of want of confidence.
+The first scene of the farce is only begun. We have seen how Sir ROBERT
+has snatched the cards out of the hands of the Whigs, and shall find how
+he will play the self-same trumps assorted by his opponents. A change is
+already coming over the Conservatives; they are meek and mild, and, with
+their pocket handkerchiefs at their eyes, lisp about the distresses of the
+people. "When the geese gaggle," says a rustic saw, "expect a change of
+weather." Lord LONDONDERRY has already begun to talk of an alteration of
+the Corn-laws.
+
+"Who knows what a minister may be compelled to do?" says Lord LONDONDERRY.
+These are new words for the old harridan Toryism. She was wont, like
+_Falstaff_, to blow out her cheeks and defy compulsion. But the truth is,
+Toryism has a new host to contend with. Her old reign was supported by
+fictitious credit--by seeming prosperity--and, more than all, by the
+ignorance of the people. Well, the bills drawn by Toryism (at a long date
+we grant) have now to be paid--paper is to be turned into Bank gold.
+Arithmetic is a great teacher, and, with the taxman's ink horn at his
+button-hole, gives at every door lessons that sink into the heart of the
+scholar. Public opinion, which, in the good old days "when George the
+Third was king," was little more than an abstraction--a thing talked of,
+not acknowledged--is now a tangible presence. The said public opinion is
+now formed of hundreds of thousands whose existence, save in the books of
+the Exchequer, was scarcely admitted by any reigning minister. Sir ROBERT
+PEEL has now to give in his reckoning to the hard-heads of Manchester, of
+Birmingham, of Leeds--he must pass his books with them, and tens of
+thousands of their scholars scattered throughout the kingdom; or, three
+months after the next meeting of Parliament, he is nought.
+
+At this moment, it is said, Sir ROBERT is studying what taxes he can best
+lay upon the people. We confess to the difficulty of the case. At this
+moment there is scarcely a feather so light, the addition of which will
+not crack the camel's back. No; Sir ROBERT will come to the Whig measures
+of relief, having so disguised them as, like _Plagiary's_ metaphors, to
+make them pass for his own. The object of himself and party is, however,
+attained. He has juggled himself into place. With the genius of his former
+existence, as TEUFELSKOPF, the Premier has shuffled himself into
+Downing-street; and there he will leave nothing untried that he may
+remain. "If Cato gets drunk, then is drunkenness no shame"--"If Sir ROBERT
+PEEL alter the Corn-laws, then is it proper that the Corn-laws should be
+changed." This will be the cry of the Conservatives; and we shall see men,
+who before would have vowed themselves to slow starvation before they
+would admit an ear of wheat from Poland or Egypt, vote for a sliding-scale
+or no scale at all, as their places and the strength of their party may be
+best assured.
+
+Doctor VON TEUFELSKOPF for years of his life was wont to eat fire and
+swallow a sword. We shall see how once more Sir ROBERT PEEL will eat his
+own principles--swallow his own words. When men call this apostacy, the
+Doctor will blandly smile, and denominate it a sacrifice to public
+opinion. We have no doubt that, as long as he can, the Premier will put
+off the remedy; he will try this and that; but at length public opinion
+will compel him to cast aside his own nostrums and use RUSSELL'S--_bread
+pills_!
+
+Q.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+EPIGRAMS ON A LOUD AND SILLY TALKER.
+
+  If it be true man's tongue is like a steed,
+  Which bears his mind,--why then, none wonder need,
+  That Timlin's tongue can run at such a rate,
+  Because it only carries--feather weight.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  When Timlin speaks, his voice so shrill and loud
+  Fills with amazement all the list'ning crowd;
+  But soon the wonder ceases, when 'tis found
+  That empty vessels make the greatest sound.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS.--No. XVII.
+
+[Illustration: SIR ROBERT MACAIRE
+
+ENDEAVOURING TO DO AN EXCHEQUER BILL.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE PHYSIOLOGY OF THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT.
+
+6.--OF THE GRINDER AND HIS CLASS.
+
+[Illustration: O]One fine morning, in the October of the third winter
+session, the student is suddenly struck by the recollection that at the
+end of the course the time will arrive for him to be thinking about
+undergoing the ordeals of the Hall and College. Making up his mind,
+therefore, to begin studying in earnest, he becomes a _pro tempore_ member
+of a temperance society, pledging himself to abstain from immoderate beer
+for six months: he also purchases a coffee-pot, a reading-candlestick, and
+Steggall's Manual; and then, contriving to accumulate five guineas to pay
+a "grinder," he routs out his old note-books from the bottom of his box,
+and commences to "read for the Hall."
+
+Aspirants to honours in law, physic, or divinity, each know the value of
+private cramming--a process by which their brains are fattened, by
+abstinence from liquids and an increase of dry food (some of it _very_
+dry), like the livers of Strasbourg geese. There are grinders in each of
+these three professional classes; but the medical teacher is the man of
+the most varied and eccentric knowledge. Not only is he intimately
+acquainted with the different branches required to be studied, but he is
+also master of all their minutiæ. In accordance with the taste of the
+examiners, he learns and imparts to his class at what degree of heat water
+boils in a balloon--how the article of commerce, _Prussian blue_, is more
+easily and correctly defined as the _Ferrosesquicyanuret of the cyanide of
+potassium_--why the nitrous oxyde, or laughing gas, induces people to make
+such asses of themselves; and, especially, all sorts of individual
+inquiries, which, if continued at the present rate, will range from "Who
+discovered the use of the spleen?" to "Who killed cock robin?" for aught
+we know. They ask questions at the Hall quite as vague as these.
+
+It is twelve o'clock at noon. In a large room, ornamented by shelves of
+bottles and preparations, with varnished prints of medical plants and
+cases of articulated bones and ligaments, a number of young men are seated
+round a long table covered with baize, in the centre of whom an
+intellectual-looking man, whose well-developed forehead shows the amount
+of knowledge it can contain, is interrogating by turns each of the
+students, and endeavouring to impress the points in question on their
+memories by various diverting associations. Each of his pupils, as he
+passes his examination, furnishes him with a copy of the subjects touched
+upon; and by studying these minutely, the private teacher forms a pretty
+correct idea of the general run of the "Hall questions."
+
+"Now, Mr. Muff," says the gentleman to one of his class, handing him a
+bottle of something which appears like specimens of a chestnut colt's coat
+after he had been clipped; "what's that, sir?"
+
+"That's cow-itch, sir," replies Mr. Muff.
+
+"Cow what? You must call it at the Hall by its botanical name--_dolichos
+pruriens_. What is it used for?"
+
+"To strew in people's beds that you owe a grudge to," replies Muff;
+whereat all the class laugh, except the last comer, who takes it all for
+granted, and makes a note of the circumstance in his interleaved manual.
+
+"That answer would floor you," continues the grinder. "The _dolichos_ is
+used to destroy worms. How does it act, Mr. Jones?" going on to the next
+pupil--a man in a light cotton cravat and no shirt collar, who looks very
+like a butler out of place.
+
+"It tickles them to death, sir," answers Mr. Jones.
+
+"You would say it acts mechanically," observes the grinder. "The fine
+points stick into the worms and kill them. They say, 'Is this a dagger
+which I see before me?' and then die. Recollect the dagger, Mr. Jones,
+when you go up. Mr. Manhug, what do you consider the best sudorific, if
+you wanted to throw a person into a perspiration?"
+
+Mr. Manhug, who is the wag of the class, finishes, in rather an abrupt
+manner, a song he was humming, _sotto voce_, having some allusion to a
+peer who was known as Thomas, Lord Noddy, having passed a night at a house
+of public entertainment in the Old Bailey previous to an execution. He
+then takes a pinch of snuff, winks at the other pupils as much as to say,
+"See me tackle him, now;" and replies, "The gallery door of Covent Garden
+on Boxing-night."
+
+"Now, come, be serious for once, Mr. Manhug," continues the teacher; "what
+else is likely to answer the purpose?"
+
+"I think a run up Holborn-hill, with two Ely-place knockers on your arm,
+and three policemen on your heels, might have a good effect," answers Mr.
+Manhug.
+
+"Do you ever think you will pass the Hall, if you go on at this rate?"
+observes the teacher, in a tone of mild reproach.
+
+"Not a doubt of it, sir," returns the imperturbable Manhug. "I've passed
+it twenty times within this last month, and did not find any very great
+difficulty about it; neither do I expect to, unless they block up
+Union-street and Water-lane."
+
+The grinder gives Mr. Manhug up as a hopeless case, and goes on to the
+next. "Mr. Rapp, they will be very likely to ask you the composition of
+the _compound gamboge pill_: what is it made of?"
+
+Mr. Rapp hasn't the least idea.
+
+"Remember, then, it is composed of cambogia, aloes, ginger, and soap--C,
+A, G, S,--_cags_. Recollect Cags, Mr. Rapp. What would you do if you were
+sent for to a person poisoned by oxalic acid?"
+
+"Give him some chalk," returns Mr. Rapp.
+
+"But suppose you had not got any chalk, what would you substitute?"
+
+"Oh, anything; pipeclay and soapsuds."
+
+"Yes, that's all very right; but we will presume you could not get any
+pipeclay and soapsuds; in fact, that there was nothing in the house. What
+would you do then?"
+
+Mr. Manhug cries out from the bottom of the table--"Let him die and be
+----!"
+
+"Now, Mr. Manhug, I really must entreat of you to be more steady,"
+interrupts the professor. "You would scrape the ceiling with the
+fire-shovel, would you not? Plaster contains lime, and lime is an
+antidote. Recollect that, if you please. They like you to say you would
+scrape the ceiling, at the Hall: they think it shows a ready invention in
+emergency. Mr. Newcome, you have heard the last question and answer?"
+
+"Yes sir," says the fresh arrival, as he finishes making a note of it.
+
+"Well; you are sent for, to a man who has hung himself. What would be your
+first endeavour?"
+
+"To scrape the ceiling with the fire-shovel," mildly observes Mr. Newcome;
+whereupon the class indulges in a hearty laugh, and Mr. Newcome blushes as
+deep as the red bull's-eye of a New-road doctor's lamp.
+
+"What would _you_ do, Mr. Manhug? perhaps you can inform Mr. Newcome."
+
+"Cut him down, sir," answers the indomitable _farceur_.
+
+"Well, well," continues the teacher; "but we will presume he has been cut
+down. What would you strive to do next?"
+
+"Cut him up, sir, if the coroner would give an order for a _post mortem_
+examination."
+
+"We have had no chemistry this morning," observes one of the pupils.
+
+"Very well, Mr. Rogers; we will go on with it if you wish. How would you
+endeavour to detect the presence of gold in any body?"
+
+"By begging the loan of a sovereign, sir," interrupts Mr. Manhug.
+
+"If he knew you as well as I do, Manhug," observes Mr. Jones, "he'd be
+sure to lend it--oh, yes!--I should rayther think so, certainly,"
+whereupon Mr. Jones compresses his nostril with the thumb of his right
+hand, and moves his fingers as if he was performing a concerto on an
+imaginary one handed flageolet.
+
+"Mr. Rapp, what is the difference between an element and a compound body?"
+
+Mr. Rapp is again obliged to confess his ignorance.
+
+"A compound body is composed of two or more elements," says the grinder,
+"in various proportions. Give me an example, Mr. Jones."
+
+"Half-and-half is a compound body, composed of the two elements, ale and
+porter, the proportion of the porter increasing in an inverse ratio to the
+respectability of the public-house you get it from," replies Mr. Jones.
+
+The professor smiles, and taking up a Pharmacopoeia, says, "I see here
+directions for evaporating certain liquids 'in a water-bath.' Mr. Newcome,
+what is the most familiar instance of a water-bath you are acquainted
+with?"
+
+"In High Holborn, sir; between Little Queen-street and Drury-lane,"
+returns Mr. Newcome.
+
+"A water-bath means a vessel placed in boiling-water. Mr. Newcome, to keep
+it at a certain temperature. If you are asked at the Hall for the most
+familiar instance, they like you to say a carpenter's glue-pot."
+
+And in like manner the grinding-class proceeds.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE LORD MAYORS AND THE QUEEN.
+
+_By the Correspondent of the Observer._
+
+The interesting condition of Her Majesty is a source of the most agonising
+suspense to the Lord Mayors of London and Dublin, who, if a Prince of
+Wales is not born before their period of office expires, will lose the
+chance of being created baronets.
+
+According to rumour, the baby--we beg pardon, the scion of the house of
+Brunswick--was to have been born--we must apologise again; we should say
+was to have been added to the illustrious stock of the reigning family of
+Great Britain--some day last month, and of course the present Lord Mayors
+had comfortably made up their minds that they should be entitled to the
+dignity it is customary to confer on such occasions as that which the
+nation now ardently anticipates. But here we are at the beginning of
+November, and no Prince of Wales. We have reason to know that the Lord
+Mayor of London has not slept a wink since Saturday, and his lady has not
+smiled, according to an authority on which we are accustomed to rely,
+since Thursday fortnight. Some say it is done on purpose, because the
+present official is a Tory; and others insinuate that the Prince of Wales
+is postponed in order that there may be an opportunity of making Daniel
+O'Connell a baronet. Others suggest that there will be twins presented to
+the nation! one on the night of the 8th of November, the other on the
+morning of the 9th, so as to conciliate both parties; but we are not
+disposed at present to pronounce a decided opinion on this part of the
+question. We know that politics have been carried most indelicately into
+the very heart of the Royal Household; but we hope, for the honour of all
+parties, that the confinement of the Queen is not to be made a matter of
+political arrangement. If it is, we can only say that it will be most
+indecent, we might almost venture to say unbecoming; but our dislike to
+the use of strong language is well known, or at least it ought to be.
+
+If there are any other particulars, we shall give them in a second
+edition; that is to say, if we should have anything to add, and should
+think it worth while to publish another impression for the purpose of
+stating it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL.--No. 10.
+
+  You talk of love--I would believe
+    Thy words were truth;
+  Nor deem that thou wouldst e'er deceive
+    My artless youth:
+      But when we part,
+      Within my heart
+  A small voice whispers low--
+      Beware! Beware!
+      Fond girl, the snare!
+  it's all no go!
+
+  You talk of love--yet would betray
+    The heart you seek,
+  And smile upon its slow decay,
+    If 'twould not break.
+      In vain you swear
+      That I am fair,
+  That heaven is on my lip!
+      I know each vow
+      Is worthless now;
+  [Illustration: YOU'VE MISS'D YOUR TIP.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE TWO NEW EQUITY JUDGES.
+
+"Between the two new Equity Courts, the suitors in Chancery will be much
+better off than formerly"--said Fitzroy Kelly, lately, to an intimate.
+"Undoubtedly," replied the friend, "they may now choose between the
+frying-pan and the fire."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MR. PUNCH,
+
+ARTIST IN PHILOSOPHY AND FIREWORKS[1],
+
+    [1] Baylis.
+
+BEGS TO INFORM THE
+
+HOBBEDEHOYITY AND INFANTRY OF THE METROPOLIS
+
+AND THE WORLD IN GENERAL,
+
+That, for the proper commemoration of the anniversary of the 5th of
+November, he _had_ engaged the services of the following
+
+EMINENT THAMESIAN INCENDIARIES.
+
+SIR PETER LAURIE, to furnish materials for _squibs_.
+
+MR. ROEBUCK, for _flower-pots_, containing the beautiful figure of a
+_genealogical tree_.
+
+COLONEL SIBTHORP, for sky-rockets being constructed after his _own plan_;
+warranted to flare up at starting, and to come down--_a stick_.
+
+DANIEL O'CONNELL, Esq., for the importation of Roman candles,
+
+MR. WAKLEY, SIR JAMES GRAHAM, LORD STANLEY, and SIR FRANCIS BURDETT, for
+Catherine-wheels, which are guaranteed to _turn round_ with great
+celerity, and to exhibit _curious designs_.
+
+LORD MINTO, for _Chinese fire_, prepared from the recipes of his gallant
+relative, the Honourable Captain Elliot, which have been procured at an
+immense outlay.--(See next year's "Budget.")
+
+The MARQUIS OF WATERFORD, the celebrated Purveyor to the Police Force in
+general, for the supply of _crackers_.
+
+MR. CHARLES PEARSON, for _port_-fires.
+
+SIR ROBERT PEEL, assisted by his CABINET, for a _golden rain_.
+
+*** A large supply of these articles always on hand. Apply at Mr. P.'s
+Office every Saturday.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+AN EXTRACT FROM THE SPECTATOR.
+
+Carter, the lion-tamer, previous to his late exhibition, when the tiger
+broke loose, had given an order to an old acquaintance to come and witness
+his performance; by great good luck, he and the rest of the affrighted
+spectators effected their escape; but he was heard vehemently declaring he
+had been deceived in the most beastly manner, as he would not have come
+but that he supposed he was
+
+[Illustration: LOOKING IN UPON A FRIEND.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SHIP NEWS.
+
+Off Battersea Mills, in the reeds, _La Gitana_ (wherry Z.9), Execution
+Dock, with loss of sculls; deserted. On nearing her, discovered the Master
+with his wooden leg in the mud, to which he had made fast the head-line,
+with his left leg over his right shoulder, high and dry.
+
+A boat, supposed to belong to the Union Aquatic Sons of Shop Walkers, was
+washed ashore on Hungerford Muds, with an old ribbon-box, apparently used
+for a sea-chest, containing wearing apparel, 1s. 8d. in fourpenny pieces,
+and sundry small pieces of paper, with "Dry," sign of the "Three Balls,"
+printed thereon, and endorsed, "Shawl, 3s. 6d., 30 remnants of ribbon 7s.
+6d., waistcoat satin, 1 yard 3s. 6d.," &c. &c. The crew supposed to have
+abandoned her off the "Swan," where they were seen in a state of beer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CAUSE AND EFFECT.
+
+A great _fall_ of chalk occurred at Mertsham on the Brighton Railway on
+last Thursday morning; a corresponding _fall_ in milk took place in London
+on the following day.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SHOULD THIS MEET THE EYE--
+
+[Illustration]
+
+of Sir ROBERT PEEL, LORD STANLEY, or any of Her Majesty's Ministers, in
+want of an active cad, or light porter; the advertiser, a young man at
+present out of place, would be anxious to make himself generally useful,
+and is not particular in what capacity. Respectability not so great an
+object as a good salary. Application to be made to T. WAKLEY, at the Rad's
+Arms, _Turn'em Green_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+HARD AND FAST.
+
+That very slow coach, and would be "faster," the licensed
+to-carry-no-thing-inside "Bernard Cavannah," has been recently confined in
+a room, wherein he has lived upon the "cameleon's dish," eating the
+air--"jugged," we presume. Wakley declares he is an impostor; but as he
+has an interest in an inquest, and Bernard survives, this may be
+attributed to professional disappointment. Dr. Elliotson declares, from
+his own experience, any man can live upon nothing. The whole medical
+profession are getting to very high words; Anglice,--indulging in very low
+language. The fraternity of physicians, apothecaries, and surgeons, are
+growing so warm upon the living subject, that we may shortly expect to
+witness a beautiful tableau vivant of
+
+[Illustration: SURGERE IN ARMIS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S THEATRE.
+
+MISS ADELAIDE KEMBLE.
+
+Let every amateur, professor, and enthusiastic raver concerning "native
+talent" go down on his knees, and, after the manner of the ancient
+heathen, return thanksgiving unto Apollo for having at last sent us a
+singer who knows her business! One who can sing as if she had a soul; who
+can act as if she were not acting, but existing amidst reality; who is, in
+short, a performer entirely new to the British stage; to whom we have not
+a parallel example to produce,--a heroine of the lyric drama.
+
+Such, in the most exalted sense of the term, is Miss Adelaide Kemble.
+Unlike nearly every other English singer, she has not set up with the
+small stock-in-trade of a good voice, and learned singing on the stage;
+making the public pay for her tuition. On the contrary, nature has
+manifestly not been bountiful to her in this respect. Her voice--the mere
+organ--may have been in her earlier years exceeded in quality by many
+other vocalists. But what is it now? Perfect in intonation; its lower
+tones forcible; the middle voice firm and full; the upper interval sweet
+and rich beyond comparison.
+
+But how comes this?  How has this moderately-good organ been brought to
+such perfection? By a process not very prevalent amongst English
+singers--practice the most constant, study the most unwearied. Punch will
+bet a wager with any sporting dilettante that Miss Kemble has sung _more_
+while learning her art, than many old stagers while professing and
+practising it.
+
+She seems, then,--as far as one may judge of that kind of perfection--a
+perfect mistress of her voice; she can do what she likes with it, she can
+sustain a note in any part of the soprano compass--swell, diminish, and
+keep it exactly to the same pitch for an incredible space of time. She can
+burst forth a torrent of sound expressive of our strongest passions,
+without losing an atom of tone, and she can diminish it to a whisper, in
+_sotto voce_, as distinct as it is thrilling and true intonation.
+
+Having obtained this vocal mastery, she has unfettered energies to devote
+to her acting; which, in _Norma_, has all the elements of tragic
+dignity--all the tenderness of natural feeling. In one word, Miss Kemble
+is a mistress of every branch of her art; and we can now say, what we have
+so seldom had an opportunity to boast of, that our English stage possesses
+a singer who is also an actress and musician!
+
+The opera is excellently put upon the stage. Miss Kemble, or somebody
+else, electrified the choruses; for, wonderful to relate, they
+condescended to act--to perform--to pretend to be what they are meant for!
+Never was so efficient, so well-disciplined, so unanimous a chorus heard
+or seen before on the English stage. The chorus-master deserves
+everybody's, and has our own, especial commendations.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NINA SFORZA.
+
+A new melo-drama in five acts, by a gentleman who rejoices in exactly the
+same number of titles--namely, "R. Zouch S. Troughton, Esquire"--made its
+appearance for Miss H. Fancit's benefit on Monday last, at the Haymarket.
+
+The old-fashioned recipe for cooking up a melo-dramatic hero has been
+strictly followed in "Nina Sforza." _Raphael Doria_, the heir-apparent to
+the dukedom of Genoa, is a man about town in Venice--is accompanied, on
+most occasions, by a faithful friend and a false one--saves the heroine
+from drowning, and, of course, falls in love with her on the spot, or
+rather on the water. She, of course, returns the passion; but is, as
+usual, loved by the villain--a regular thorough-paced Mephistopheles of
+the Surrey or Sadler's Wells genus. These ingredients, having been
+carefully compounded in the first act, are--quite _selon les
+règles_--allowed to simmer till the end of the fourth, and to boil over in
+the fifth. Thus we have a tragedy after the manner of those lively
+productions that flourished in the time of Garrick; when Young, Murphy,
+and Francklin were Melpomene's head-cooks.
+
+Modern innovation has, however, added a sprinkle of spice to the hashes of
+the above-named school. This is most commonly thrown in, by giving to the
+stock-villain a dash of humour or sarcasm, so as to bring out his savagery
+in bolder relief. He is also invested with an unaccountable influence over
+the hero, who can on no account be made to see his bare and open treachery
+till about the middle of the fifth act, when the dupe's eyes must be
+opened in time for the catastrophe.
+
+These improvements have been carefully introduced into the present old new
+tragedy. _Ugone Spinola_ is the presiding genius of _Doria's_ woes: and
+dogs him about for the pleasure of making him miserable. He is a finished
+epicure in revenge; picking little tit-bits of it with the most savage
+_gôut_ all through; but particularly towards the end of the play. This
+taste was, it seems, first acquired in consequence of a feud that formerly
+existed between _Doria's_ family and his own, in which his side came off
+so decidedly second-best, that he only remains of his race; all the rest
+having been murdered by _Doria_ and his father's faction. From such deadly
+foes, it may be observed, that tragic heroes always select their most
+trusted friends.
+
+_Doria's_ father dies, and _Nina's_ consents to his marriage; so that we
+see them, at the opening of the third act, the picture of connubial bliss,
+in a garden belonging to the Duke's palace at Genoa, exchanging sentiments
+which would be doubtless extremely tender if they were quite intelligible.
+A great deal is said about genius being like love; which gives rise to a
+simile touching a rose-bud in a poor poet's window, and other
+incoherencies quite natural for persons to utter who are supposed to be in
+love. This peaceful scene is interrupted by an alarm of war; and the
+Prince goes to fight the Florentines.
+
+The battle takes place between the acts; and we next see the Genoese
+halting near their city after a victory. _Doria_, who in the first act has
+been represented to us as an exceedingly gay young fellow, is here
+described as indulging, in his tent, his old propensities; having brought
+away, with other trophies, a fair Florentine, who is diverting him with
+her guitar at that moment. This is excellent news for _Spinola_; the more
+so as we are soon made to understand that _Nina_, being impatient of her
+husband's return, has fled to his tent to meet him, and discovers the fair
+Florentine in the very act of guitar-playing, and her spouse in the midst
+of his raptures thereat.
+
+A scene follows, in which _Spinola_, as a new edition of Iago, and _Nina_,
+in the form of a female Othello, get scope for a great variety of that
+kind of acting which performers call "effective." The wife--in this scene
+really well-drawn--will not believe Doria's falsehood, in spite of strong
+circumstantial evidence. _Spinola_ offers to strengthen it; and the last
+scene of this act--the fourth--presents a highly melo-dramatic situation.
+It is a street scene; and _Spinola_ has brought _Nina_ to watch her
+husband into her rival's house. She sees him approach it--he wavers--she
+hopes he will pass the door. Alas, he does not, and actually goes in! Of
+course she swoons and falls. So does the act drop.
+
+The entire business of the last act is to bring about the catastrophe;
+and, as not one step towards it has been previously taken, there is no
+time to lose. _Spinola_, therefore, is made not to mince the matter, but
+to come boldly on at once, with a bottle of poison! This he blandly
+insinuates to _Nina_ might be used with great effect upon her husband, so
+as effectually to put a stop to future intrigues with any forthcoming fair
+Florentines. She, however, declines putting the poison to any such use;
+but, nevertheless, honours _Spinola_'s draught, by accepting it. The
+villain expresses himself extremely grateful for her condescension, and
+exits, to make way for _Doria_.
+
+Directly he appears, you at once perceive that he has done something
+exceedingly naughty, for his countenance is covered with remorse and a
+certain white powder which is the stage specific for pallor. The lady
+complains of being unwell, and her husband kindly advises her to go to
+bed. She replies, that she has a cordial within which will soon restore
+her, and entreats her beloved lord to administer the potion with his own
+dear hand; he consents--and they both retire, and the audience shudders,
+because they pretty well guess that she is going to toss off the dose, of
+which _Spinola_ has been the dispensing chemist.
+
+And here we may be forgiven for a short digression on the subject of the
+dramatic _Materia Medica_, and _poison-ology_. The sleeping draughts of
+the stage are, for example, generally speaking, uncommon specimens of
+chemical perfection. When taken--even if the patient be ever so well
+shaken--nothing on earth, or on the stage, can wake him after the cue for
+his going to sleep, and before the cue for his getting up, have been
+given; while it never allows him to dose an instant longer than the plot
+of the piece requires. Then as to poisons; there are some which kill the
+taker dead on the spot, like a fly in a bottle of prussic acid; others,
+which--swallowed with a sort of time-bargain--are warranted to do the
+business within a few seconds of so many hours hence; others again there
+are (particularly adapted for villains) that cause the most incessant
+torment, which nothing can relieve but death; a fourth compound (always
+administered to such characters as _Nina Sforza_) are peculiarly mild in
+their operation--no stomach-ache--no contortions--but still effectual.
+
+The contents of the phial given to _Nina_ by _Spinola_ are compounded of
+the second and fourth of these _formulæ_. The drink, though deadly, is
+guaranteed to be a mild, rather-pleasant-than-otherwise poison, warranted
+to operate at a given hour; one calculated to allow the heroine plenty of
+time to die, and to make her go off in great physical comfort.
+
+_Nina_ has taken the poison; but, having a peculiar desire to die at home,
+orders a "trusty page" to provide horses for herself and attendant
+secretly, at the northern gate, that she may return to her native Venice.
+With this determination we lose sight of her.
+
+_Doria_ is aroused by a hunting-party who have risen so early that they
+seem to have forgotten to take off their nightcaps, to which the Italian
+hood, as worn by the Haymarket hunters, bears an obstinate resemblance.
+The Prince discovers his wife has fled, and orders his _chasseurs_ to
+divert their attention from the game they had purposed to ride to cover
+for, and to hunt up the missing _Nina_.
+
+"In the deep recesses of a wood" _Spinola_ and _Doria_ meet, the latter
+having, by some instinct, found out his _pseudo_-friend's treachery; of
+course they fight: _Doria_ falls; but _Spinola_ is too great a glutton in
+revenge to kill him till he knows of his wife's death, so, after gloating
+over his prostrate enemy, and poking him about with his rapier for several
+minutes, all he does is to steal his sword; this being found upon him by
+some of the hunters, who meet him quite by accident, they suppose he has
+killed _Doria_, and so kill him. Thus, _Spinola_ being disposed of, there
+are only two more that are left to die.
+
+In her flight _Nina_ has been taken unwell--with the poison--just in that
+part of the forest where her spouse is left, by his enemy, in a swoon.
+They meet, and she dies in his arms. Two being now defunct, only one
+remains; but there is some difficulty in getting rid of _Doria_, for he is
+(as is always the case when a stage _felo-de-se_ impends) unprovided with
+a weapon. Going up to his trusty friend _D'Estala_, he engages him in
+talk, and, with the dexterity of a footpad, steals his dagger, and stabs
+himself. All the principal characters being now dead, the piece cannot go
+on, and the curtain drops.
+
+A word or two on the merits of _Nina Sforza_. There are two classes of
+dramatists who are just now contending for fame--those who cannot get
+their plays acted because they are not dramatic, and those who can,
+because their pieces are _merely_ dramatic. Mr.--we beg pardon, R. Zouch
+S. Troughton, Esquire,--belongs to the latter class. He is evidently well
+acquainted with the mechanics of the stage; he knows all about
+"situation"--that is, sacrificing nature to startling effect. His language
+is essentially dramatic, and only fails where it aims at being poetical.
+His characters, too, are not drawn from life, from nature, but are
+copied--and cleverly copied--from other characters that strut about in the
+"stock" tragedies of Rowe _et hoc genus_. The fable, or plot, is
+deficient, from the absence of one sustaining, pervading incident to
+excite, and keep up a progressive interest. With every new act a new
+circumstance arises, which, though it is in some instances (especially in
+the fourth act) conducted with great skill, yet the interest it produces
+is not sustained, being made to give place to the author's succeeding
+effort to get up a new "situation" by a new incident. Though the tragedy
+possesses little originality, it will, from its melo-dramatic and exciting
+character, be most likely a very successful one. Besides, it is very well
+acted, by Miss Faucit, Wallack, and Macready, as _Spinola_; which, being a
+most unnatural character, is well calculated for so conventional an actor
+as Macready.
+
+The author will doubtless become a successful dramatist, because he has
+taken the trouble to learn what is proper for, and effective on, the
+stage. Having gained that acquirement, if he will now study nature, and
+put men and women upon the stage that act and speak like real mortals, we
+may safely predict an honourable dramatic career for Mr. ----; but our
+space is limited, and we can't afford enough of it to print his names a
+third time.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE QUADROON SLAVE.
+
+A new discussion of the Slave question seems to have been much wanted on
+the stage. It is, alas, the black truth that "The Slave" _par excellence_,
+in spite of the brothers _Sharpset_ and Bishop's music, ceases to
+interest. The woes of "Gambia" have been turned into ridicule by the
+capers of "Jim Crow," and the twin pleasantries of "Jim along Josey."
+Since the moral British public gave away twenty millions to emancipate the
+black population, and to raise the price of brown sugars, they are not
+nearly so sweet upon the niggers as formerly; for they discover that, now
+Cæsar being "massa-pated, him no work--dam if he do!"
+
+To meet this dramatic exigency, the "Quadroon Slave" has been produced. It
+may be classed as an argumentative drama; carried on with that stage logic
+which always makes the heroine get the best of it. The emancipation side
+of the question is supported by _Julie_, ably backed by _Vincent St.
+George_, but opposed by _Alfred Pelham_; and the lingual combatants rush
+_in medias res_ at the very rising of the curtain--the "house,"
+immediately taking sides, vehemently applauding the arguments of their
+respective favourites. _Vincent St. George_--ably entrusted to that
+interesting advocate Mr. J. Webster--opened the discussion by protesting
+against the flogging system, especially as applied to females. _Alfred
+Pelham_ answered him; the reply being taken up by the heroine _Julie_ in
+broken French, because she is personated by Madlle. Celeste. The state of
+parties as here developed turns out to be curious. The heroine, a
+quadroon, is on the point of matrimonial union with her antagonist, and
+openly resents the tender advances of her ally. "Call ye this backing of
+your friends?" _Vincent St. George_, disgusted at such gross
+tergiversation, flies entirely away from the point at issue, and applies
+those remarks to _Julie_ which all disappointed lovers seem to be bound to
+utter in such cases. Indeed, on the re-appearance of his rival, he
+challenges him--unblushingly forsaking every branch of the main point, by
+engaging in a long and not very lively discourse on the subject of
+duelling; amidst, however, impatient cries of "question!" "question!" from
+the audience.
+
+This brings _Vincent_ back to the point, and with a vengeance! Like a
+great many other orators on the liberal side of the black question, he is
+a slave-owner himself, having--as his "attorney" _Vipper_ is careful to
+tell us--no fewer than two hundred and eight of those animals. Now, before
+he took upon himself to become an emancipationist, he might--one cannot
+help thinking--have had the decency--_like Saint Fowell Buxton_--to _sell_
+his slaves to somebody else, and to come into court with clean hands. But
+so far from doing so, _Vipper_ having discovered that _Julie_ is a
+run-away slave from _Vincent's_ estate, just as she is ending the first
+act by going to be married, the latter takes the whole of the second act
+to claim her!
+
+Though the argufiers change sides on account of the change of
+affairs--_Vincent_ insisting, as _liberals_ so often do, upon his vested
+rights in _Julie_ as opposed to _Pelham's_ matrimonial ones--though the
+heroine renders her pathetics affecting by a prostration or two before the
+rivals--though she rushes upon a parapet to commit suicide--though she is
+saved, and at length succeeds by force of mere argument to get her
+new-found master to give her up to her husband; yet this second act was
+somewhat dull; insomuch that the audience did not seem to regret when the
+curtain dropped the subject, and announced their own emancipation from the
+theatre.
+
+Besides the parts we have named, Webster the elder played a _Telemachus
+Hearty_, who, further than skipping about the stage, talking very fast,
+and making himself not altogether disagreeable, had no more to do with the
+piece than his namesake, or Fénélon Archbishop of Cambray himself.
+
+This attempt to discuss moot points upon the stage--to turn as it were the
+theatre into a debating society--will certainly not succeed.
+Audiences--especially Haymarket ones--have a taste for being amused rather
+than reasoned with; besides, those on that side of the question which the
+author chooses shall be the weaker, do not like to see the stage-orators
+get the upper hand, without having a chance of answering them. Even
+dancing is preferred by them to didactics, though it be
+
+[Illustration: A PAS SEUL TO A BARK-AROLE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+1, November 6, 1841,, by Various
+
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+<title>Punch, or the London Charivari. November 6, 1841.</title>
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+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1,
+November 6, 1841,, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, November 6, 1841,
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14935]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+<h1>PUNCH,<br />
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+<h2>VOL. 1.</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h2>NOVEMBER 6, 1841.</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page193" name="page193"></a>[pg
+193]</span>
+<h2>A DAY-DREAM AT MY UNCLE&rsquo;S.</h2>
+<p>The result of a serious conversation between the authors of my
+being ended in the resolution that it was high time for me to begin
+the world, and do something for myself. The only difficult problem
+left for them to solve was, in what way I had better commence. One
+would have thought the world had nothing in its whole construction
+but futile beginnings and most unsatisfactory methods of doing for
+one&rsquo;s self. Scheme after scheme was discussed and discarded;
+new plans were hot-beds for new doubts; and impossibilities seemed
+to overwhelm every succeeding though successless suggestion. At the
+critical moment when it appeared perfectly clear to me either that
+I was fit for nothing or nothing was fit for me, the authoritative
+&ldquo;rat-tat&rdquo; of the general postman closed the argument,
+and for a brief space distracted the intense contemplations of my
+bewildered parents.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Good gracious!&rdquo; &ldquo;Well, I never!&rdquo;
+&ldquo;Who&rsquo;d ha&rsquo; thought it?&rdquo; and various other
+disjointed mutterings escaped my father, forming a sort of running
+commentary upon the document under his perusal. Having duly
+devoured the contents, he spread the sheet of paper carefully out,
+re-wiped his spectacles, and again commenced the former
+all-engrossing subject.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Tom, my boy, you are all right, and this will do for you.
+Here&rsquo;s a letter from your uncle Ticket.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>I nodded in silence.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Yes, sir,&rdquo; continued my father, with increasing
+emphasis and peculiar dignity, &ldquo;Ticket&mdash;the great
+Ticket&mdash;the greatest&rdquo;&mdash;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Pawnbroker in London,&rdquo; said I, finishing the
+sentence.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Yes, sir, he is; and what of that?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Nothing further; I don&rsquo;t much like the trade,
+but&rdquo;&mdash;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;But he&rsquo;s your uncle, sir. It&rsquo;s a glorious
+money-making business. He offers to take you as an apprentice.
+Nancy, my love, pack up this lad&rsquo;s things, and start him off
+by the mail to-morrow. Go to bed, Tom.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>So the die was cast! The mail was punctual; and I was duly
+delivered to Ticket&mdash;the great Ticket&mdash;my maternal, and
+everybody else&rsquo;s undefinable, uncle. Duly equipped in glazed
+calico sleeves, and ditto apron, I took my place behind the
+counter. But as it was discovered that I had a peculiar
+<em>penchant</em> for giving ten shillings in exchange for gilt
+sixpences, and encouraging all sorts of smashing by receiving
+counterfeit crowns, half-crowns, and shillings, I received a box on
+the ear, and a positive command to confine myself to the up-stairs,
+or &ldquo;top-of-the-spout department&rdquo; for the future. Here
+my chief duties were to deposit such articles as progressed up that
+wooden shaft in their respective places, and by the same means
+transmit the &ldquo;redeemed&rdquo; to the shop below. This was but
+dull work, and in the long dreary evenings, when partial darkness
+(for I was allowed no candle) seemed to invite sleep, I frequently
+fell into a foggy sort of mystified somnolency&mdash;the partial
+prostration of my corporeal powers being amply compensated by the
+vague wanderings of indistinct imagination.</p>
+<p>In these dozing moods some of the parcels round me would appear
+not only imbued with life, but, like the fabled animals of
+&AElig;sop, blessed with the gift of tongues. Others, though
+speechless, would conjure up a vivid train of breathing tableaux,
+replete with their sad histories. That tiny relic, half the size of
+the small card it is pinned upon, swells like the imprisoned genie
+the fisherman released from years of bondage, and the shadowy
+vapour takes once more a form. From the small circle of that
+wedding ring, the tear-fraught widow and the pallid orphan, closely
+dogged by Famine and Disease, spring to my sight. That brilliant
+tiara opens the vista of the rich saloon, and shows the humbled
+pride of the titled hostess, lying excuses for her absent gems. The
+flash contents of that bright yellow handkerchief shade forth the
+felon&rsquo;s bar; the daring burglar eyeing with confidence the
+counsel learned in the law&rsquo;s defects, fee&rsquo;d by its
+produce to defend its quondam owner. The effigies of Pride,
+Extravagance, honest Distress, and reckless Plunder, all by turns
+usurp the scene. In my last waking sleep, just as I had composed
+myself in delicious indolence, a parcel fell with more than
+ordinary force on one beneath. These were two of my talking
+friends. I stirred not, but sat silently to listen to their curious
+conversation, which I now proceed to give verbatim.</p>
+<p><em>Parcel fallen upon</em>.&mdash;&ldquo;What the d&mdash;l are
+you?&rdquo;</p>
+<p><em>Parcel that fell</em>.&mdash;&ldquo;That&rsquo;s my
+business.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Is it? I rather think its mine, though. Why don&rsquo;t
+you look where you&rsquo;re going?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;How can I see through three brown papers and a rusty
+black silk handkerchief?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Ain&rsquo;t there a hole in any of &lsquo;em?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;No.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That&rsquo;s a pity; but when you&rsquo;ve been here as
+long as I have, the moths will help you a bit.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Will they?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Certainly.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I hope not.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Hope if you like; but you&rsquo;ll find I&rsquo;m
+right.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I trust I didn&rsquo;t hurt you much.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Not very. Bless you, I&rsquo;m pretty well used to
+ill-treatment now. You&rsquo;ve only rubbed the pile of my collar
+the wrong way, just as that awkward black rascal would brush
+me.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Bless me! I think I know your voice.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Somehow, I think I know yours.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;You ain&rsquo;t Colonel Tomkins, are you?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;No.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Nor Count Castor?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;No.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Then I&rsquo;m in error.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;No you&rsquo;re not. I was the Colonel once; then I
+became the Count by way of loan; and then I came here&mdash;as he
+said by mistake.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Why, my dear fellow, I&rsquo;m delighted to speak to you.
+How did you wear?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;So-so.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;When I first saw you, I thought you the handsomest
+Petersham in town. Your velvet collar, cuffs, and side-pockets,
+were superb; and when you were the Colonel, upon my life you were
+the sweetest cut thing about the waist and tails I ever walked
+with.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;You flatter me.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Upon my honour, no.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well, I can return the compliment; for a blue, with
+chased buttons and silk lining, you beat anything I ever had the
+honour of meeting. But I suppose, as you are here, you are not the
+Cornet now?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Alas! no.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;May I ask why?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Certainly. His scoundrel of a valet disgraced his
+master&rsquo;s cloth and me at the same time. The villain went to
+the Lowther Arcade&mdash;took me with him by force. Fancy my agony;
+literally accessory to handing ices to milliners&rsquo; apprentices
+and staymakers; and when the wretch commenced quadrilling it, he
+dos-a-dos&rsquo;d me up against a fat soap-boiler&rsquo;s wife, in
+filthy three-turned-and-dyed common satin.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Scoundrel!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Rascal! But he was discovered&mdash;he reeled home drunk.
+<em>I</em>, that is, as it&rsquo;s known, <em>we</em> make the men.
+The Cornet saw him, and thrashed him soundly with a three-foot
+Crowther.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That must have been delightful to your
+feelings.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Not very.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Why not? revenge is sweet.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;So it is; but as the Cornet forgot to order him to take
+me off, I got the worst of the drubbing. I was dreadfully cut
+about. Two buttons fearfully lacerated&mdash;nothing but the shanks
+left.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;How did it end?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;The valet mentioned something about wages and assault
+warrants, so I was given to him to make the matter up. Between you
+and I, the Cornet was very hard up.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Indeed!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Certain of it. You remember the French-grey trousers we
+used to walk out with&mdash;those he strapped so tight over the
+remarkably chatty and pleasant French-polished boots whose broken
+English we used to admire so much?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Of course I do; they were the most charming greys I ever
+met. They beat the plaids into fits; and the plaids were far from
+ungentlemanly, only they would always talk with a sham Scotch
+accent, and quote the &lsquo;Cotter&rsquo;s Saturday
+Night.&rsquo;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Certainly that was a drawback. But to return to our
+friends, and the Cornet&rsquo;s friends, they must have been bad,
+for those very greys were seated.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Impossible!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Fact, I assure you. My tails were pinned over the patch
+for three weeks.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;How did they bear it?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Shockingly. A general break up of the
+constitution&mdash;went all to pieces. First, decay appeared in the
+brace buttons; then the straps got out of order. They did say it
+was owing to the heels of the French-polished boots going down on
+one side, but the boots would never admit it.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;How did you get here?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I came from the Bench for eggs and bacon for the Cornet
+and his Valet&rsquo;s breakfast! What brought you?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;The Count&rsquo;s landlady, for a week&rsquo;s
+rent.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;What did you fetch?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;A guinea!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Bless me, you must have worn well.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;No; hold your tongue&mdash;I think I shall die with
+laughing,&mdash;ha! ha!&mdash;When they took me in, I returned the
+compliment. I&rsquo;ve been&mdash;&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;What?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Cuffed and collared!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Ha! ha! ha! ha!&rdquo; shouted both coats; and &ldquo;Ha!
+ha!&rdquo; shouted I; &ldquo;And I&rsquo;ll teach you to &lsquo;ha!
+ha!&rsquo; and neglect your business&rdquo; shouted the Governor;
+and the reality of a stunning box on the ear dispelled the illusion
+of my &ldquo;Day-dream at my Uncle&rsquo;s.&rdquo;</p>
+<p class="rgt">FUSBOS.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>&ldquo;BLOW GENTLE BREEZE.&rdquo;</h3>
+<p>The Reverend Henry <em>Snow</em>, M.A., has been inducted by the
+Bishop of Gloucester, to the Vicarage of Sherborne cum
+<em>Windrush</em>.</p>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>From Glo&rsquo;ster <em>see</em>, a <em>windrush</em> came, and
+lo!</p>
+<p>On Sherborne Vicarage it drifted <em>Snow</em>.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page194" name="page194"></a>[pg
+194]</span>
+<h2>THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE.</h2>
+<h3>CHAPTER VIII.</h3>
+<h4>SHOWS WHAT&rsquo;S AFTER A PARTY, AND WHAT&rsquo;S IN A
+NAME.</h4>
+<div class="dropcap"><a href="images/017-01.png"><img src=
+"images/017-01.png" alt="A sad man's face encircled by a letter U."
+id="img017-01" name="img017-01" width="100%" /></a></div>
+<p><span class="hide">U</span>ndoubtedly on the following day 24
+Pleasant-terrace was the most uncomfortable place in the universe.
+Some one has said that wherever Pleasure is, Pain is certain not to
+be far off; and the truth of the allegory is never better
+exemplified than on the day after &ldquo;a most delightful
+party.&rdquo; We can only compare it to the morning succeeding a
+victory by which the conqueror has gained a great deal of glory at
+a very considerable expenditure of <em>mat&eacute;riel</em>. Let us
+accompany the mistress of the house as she proceeds from room to
+room, to ascertain the damage done by the enemy upon the furniture
+and decorations. A light damask curtain is found to have been
+saturated with port wine; a ditto chair-cushion has been doing duty
+as a dripping-pan to a cluster of wax-lights; a china shepherdess,
+having been brought into violent collision with the tail of a
+raging lion on the mantel-piece, has reduced the noble beast to the
+short-cut condition of a Scotch colley. A broken candle has
+perversely fallen the only way in which it could have done any
+damage, and has thrown the quicksilver on the back of a large
+looking-glass into an alarming state of eruption. The return of
+&ldquo;cracked and broken&rdquo; presents a fearful list of
+smashage and fracture: <em>the best</em> tea-set is rendered unfit
+for active service, being minus two saucers, a cup-handle, and a
+milk-jug; the green and gold dessert-plates have been frightfully
+reduced in numbers; two fiddle-handle spoons are completely
+<em>hors de combat</em>, having been placed under the legs of the
+supper-table to keep it steady; seven straw-stemmed wine-glasses
+awfully shattered during the &ldquo;three-times-three&rdquo;
+discharge in honour of the toast of the Heir of Applebites; four
+cut tumblers injured past recovery in a fit of
+&ldquo;entusymusy&rdquo; by four young gentlemen who were
+accidentally left by themselves in the supper-room; eighteen
+silver-plated dessert-knives reduced to the character of saws, by a
+similar number of &ldquo;nice fellows&rdquo; who were endeavouring
+to do the agreeable with the champagne, and consequently could
+distinguish no difference between wire and grape-stalks. The
+destruction in the kitchen had been equally great: the extra waiter
+had placed his heel on a ham-sandwich, and, consequently, sat down
+rather hurriedly on the floor with a large tray of sundries in his
+lap, the result of which was, according to the following</p>
+<h4>OFFICIAL RETURN,</h4>
+<table summary="official return" style="width:80%;margin:auto;">
+<tr>
+<td>Two decanters</td>
+<td>starred;</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>One salt-cellar</td>
+<td>smithereened;</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Four tumblers</td>
+<td>cracked uncommonly;</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>An extra waiter</td>
+<td>many bruises, and fractured pantaloons.</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+<p>The day after a party is certain to be a sloppy day; and as the
+street-door is constantly being opened and shut, a raw, rheumatical
+wind is ever in active operation. Both these miseries were
+consequent upon the Applebite festivities, and Agamemnon saw a
+series of catarrhs enter the house as the rout-stools made their
+exit. He was quite right; for the next fortnight neck-of-mutton
+broth was the standard bill of fare, only varied by tea, gruel, and
+toast-and-water.</p>
+<p>There is no evil without its attendant good; and the temporary
+imprisonment of the Applebite family induced them to consider the
+propriety of naming the infant heir, for hitherto he had been
+called &ldquo;the cherub,&rdquo; &ldquo;the sweet one,&rdquo;
+&ldquo;the mother&rsquo;s duck of the world,&rdquo; and
+&ldquo;daddy&rsquo;s darling.&rdquo; Several names had been
+suggested by the several friends and relatives of the family, but
+nothing decisive had been agreed to.</p>
+<p>Agamemnon wished his heir to be called Isaac, after his
+grandfather, the member for Puddingbury, &ldquo;in the hope,&rdquo;
+as he expressed himself, &ldquo;that he might in after years be
+stimulated to emulate the distinguished talents and virtues of his
+great ancestor.&rdquo; (Overruled by Mrs. Waddledot, Mrs.
+Applebite, and the rest of the ladies. Isaac declared vulgar,
+except in the case of the member for Puddingbury.)</p>
+<p>Mrs. Waddledot was anxious that the boy should be christened
+Roger de Dickey, after her mother&rsquo;s great progenitor, who was
+said to have come over with William the Conqueror, but whether in
+the capacity of a lacquey or a lord-in-waiting was never, and
+perhaps never will be, determined. (Opposed by Agamemnon, on the
+ground that ill-natured people would be sure to dispense with the
+De, and his heir would be designated as Roger Dickey. In this
+opinion Mrs. Applebite concurred.)</p>
+<p>The lady-mother was still more perplexing; she proposed that he
+should be called&mdash;</p>
+<p>ALBERT (we give her own reasons)&mdash;because the Queen&rsquo;s
+husband was so named.</p>
+<p>AGAMEMNON&mdash;because of the alliteration and his papa.</p>
+<p>DAVIS&mdash;because an old maiden lady who was independent had
+said that she thought it a good name for a boy, as her own was
+Davis.</p>
+<p>MONTAGUE&mdash;because it was a nice-sounding name, and the one
+she intended to address him by in general conversation.</p>
+<p>COLLUMPSION&mdash;as her papa.</p>
+<p>PHIPPS&mdash;because she had had a dream in which a number of
+bags or gold were marked P.H.I.P.P.S.; and</p>
+<p>APPLEBITE&mdash;as a matter of course.</p>
+<p>(Objected to by Mrs. Waddledot, for&mdash;nothing in particular,
+and by Agamemnon on the score of economy. The heir being certain to
+employ a lawyer, would be certain to pay an enormous interest in
+that way alone.)</p>
+<p>Friends were consulted, but without any satisfactory result; and
+at length it was agreed that the names should be written upon
+strips of paper and drawn by the nominees. The necessary
+arrangements being completed, the three proceeded to the
+ballot.</p>
+<table summary="names drawn" style="width:80%; margin:auto;">
+<tr>
+<td>Mrs. Waddledot</td>
+<td>drew</td>
+<td>Isaac.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Agamemnon</td>
+<td>drew</td>
+<td>Roger de Dickey.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>Mrs. Applebite</td>
+<td>drew</td>
+<td>Phipps.</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+<p>As a matter of course everybody was dissatisfied; but with a
+&ldquo;stern virtue&rdquo; everybody kept it to themselves, and the
+heir was accordingly christened Isaac Roger de Dickey Phipps
+Applebite.</p>
+<p>Old John soon realised Agamemnon&rsquo;s fears of Mrs.
+Waddledot&rsquo;s selection, for, whether the patronym of the
+Norman invader was more in accordance with his own ideas of
+propriety, or was more readily suggestive to his mind of the infant
+heir, he was continually speaking of little master Dicky; and upon
+being remonstrated with upon the subject promised amendment for the
+future. All, however, was of no use, for John jumbled the Phipps,
+the Roger, the Dickey, and the De together, but always contriving
+most perversely to</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/017-02.png"><img src=
+"images/017-02.png" alt="A cart with a horse hooked up behind it."
+id="img017-02" name="img017-02" width="70%" /></a>
+<p>&ldquo;PUT THE CART BEFORE THE HORSE.&rdquo;</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>A SCANDALOUS REPORT.</h3>
+<p>We are requested to contradict, by authority, the report that
+Colonel Sibthorp was the Guy Fawkes seen in Parliament-street. It
+is true that a deputation waited upon him to solicit him to take
+the chair on the 5th of November, but the gallant Colonel modestly
+declined, much to the disappointment of the young gentlemen who
+presented the requisition; so much so indeed, that, after
+exhausting their oratorical powers, they slightly hinted at having
+recourse to</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/017-03.png"><img src=
+"images/017-03.png" alt="A woman threatens a boy with a switch."
+id="img017-03" name="img017-03" width="50%" /></a>
+<p>PHYSICAL FORCE.</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>&ldquo;ROB ME THE EXCHEQUER, HAL.&rdquo;</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>No wonder Smith Exchequer Bills,</p>
+<p>Should have a <em>taste</em> for gorging,</p>
+<p>For since the work the pocket fills,</p>
+<p>What <em>Smith</em>&rsquo;s averse to <em>forging</em>?</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page195" name="page195"></a>[pg
+195]</span>
+<h2>THE FIRE AT THE TOWER.</h2>
+<p>This is a sad business, there is no doubt, and the excitement
+which prevailed may probably excuse the eccentricities that
+occurred, and to which we beg leave to call the public
+attention.</p>
+<p>In the first place, by way of ensuring the safety of the
+property, precautions were taken to shut out every one from the
+building; and as military rule knows of no exception, the orders
+given were executed to the letter by preventing the ingress of the
+firemen with their engines until the general order of exclusion was
+followed by a countermand. This of course took time, leaving the
+fire to devour at its leisure the enormous meal that fate had
+prepared for it.</p>
+<p>After the admission of the firemen there was the usual mishap of
+no water where it could be got at, but an abundant supply where
+there was no possibility of reaching it. The tanks which the hose
+could be got into were almost dry, while the Thames was in the most
+provoking way almost overflowing its banks in the very
+neighbourhood of the fire; and yet, if the pipes were laid on to
+the water, they were laid off too far from the building to have the
+least effect upon it.</p>
+<p>The next eccentricity consisted in the sudden idea that
+suggested itself to somebody, that all energy should be devoted to
+saving the jewels, which were not in the smallest danger, and even
+if they had been, there was nobody knew how to get at them, the key
+being some miles off in the possession of the Lord Chamberlain. It
+might as well have been at the bottom of the Thames; and, of
+course, everybody began tugging at the iron bars, which were at
+length forced, and the jewels were, at a great cost of time and
+trouble, removed <em>to a place of safety</em> from <em>a position
+of the most perfect security!!</em> However, this showed activity
+if nothing else, and of course made the subject of paragraphs about
+&ldquo;presence of mind,&rdquo; &ldquo;indefatigable
+exertions,&rdquo; and &ldquo;superhuman efforts&rdquo; on the part
+of certain persons who, for the good they were doing, might just as
+well have been carrying the piece of artillery in St. James&rsquo;s
+Park into the enclosure opposite.</p>
+<p>While the jewels were being hurried from one part of the Tower,
+where they were quite safe, to another where they were not more so,
+it never occurred to any one to rescue from danger the arms, which
+were being quietly consumed, while the crown and regalia were being
+jolted about with the most injurious activity.</p>
+<p>The treatment of some of the reporters was another curious point
+of this melancholy business; and a gentleman from a weekly journal,
+on applying at head-quarters, found his own head suddenly quartered
+by a blow from a musket. This was rather unceremonious treatment on
+the part of the privates of the line to a person who is also</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/017-04.png"><img src=
+"images/017-04.png" alt=
+"A fish says 'I say old fellow if you want me just drop me a line,' to which a fisherman replies 'Yes I will with a hook.'"
+id="img017-04" name="img017-04" width="90%" /></a>
+<p>ATTACHED TO THE LINE.</p>
+</div>
+<p>&mdash;the penny-a-line we mean; but with a true <em>gusto</em>
+for accidents, and a relish for calamities, which nothing could
+subdue, he still pressed forward, with blood streaming from his
+fractured skull, for additional particulars. The American reporter
+whose hand was blown off, and had the good fortune to be upon the
+spot, is not to be compared with the hero who had the exclusive
+advantage of being able to supply practical information of the
+ruffianly conduct pursued by the soldiery.</p>
+<p>It is not stated whether the fire-escape was on the spot; but as
+no one lived in the building that was burnt, it is highly probable
+that every effort was made to save the lives of the inhabitants.
+There is no doubt that the ladder was strenuously directed towards
+the clock tower, with the view, probably, of saving the
+&ldquo;jolly cock&rdquo; who used to adorn the top of it.</p>
+<p>The reporters mark as a miracle the extraordinary fact, that
+during the whole time of the fire, the weathercock continued to
+vary with the wind. The gentlemen of the press, probably, expected
+that the awful solemnity of the scene would have rendered any man,
+not entirely lost to every sense of feeling, completely motionless.
+The apathy of the weathercock that went on whirling about as if
+nothing had happened, is in the highest degree disgusting, and we
+can scarcely regret the fate of such an unfeeling animal.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>PLEASE TO REMEMBER THE FIFTH OF NOVEMBER.</h3>
+<p>November, that month of fires, fogs, <em>felo de ses</em>, and
+Fawkes, has been ushered in with becoming ceremony at the Tower and
+at various other parts of the metropolis. In vain has an Act of
+Parliament been passed for the suppression of
+bonfires&mdash;November asserts her rights, and will have her
+modicum of &ldquo;flare up&rdquo; in spite of the law; but with the
+trickery of an Old Bailey barrister she has thrown the onus upon
+October. Nor is this all! Like a traitorous Eccalobeion she has
+already hatched several conspiracies, as though everybody now
+thought of getting rid of others or themselves.</p>
+<p>The Right Hon. Spring-heel Rice Baron Jamescrow, commonly known
+as the Lord Monteagle, has, like his historical synonym, been
+favoured with a communication which being considerably beyond his
+own comprehension, he has in a laudable spirit submitted it to
+Punch&mdash;an evidence of wisdom which we really did not expect
+from our friend Baron Jamescrow.</p>
+<p>We subjoin the introductory epistle&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>DEAR PUNCH,&mdash;I hasten to forward you the awful letter
+enclosed&mdash;we are all abroad here concerning it&mdash;by the
+bye, how are you all at home&mdash;to say the least, it certainly
+does look very ugly. Mrs. P., I hope, has improved in appearance.
+Something terrible is evidently about to happen. I intend to pay
+you a visit shortly. I trust we may not have to encounter any more
+Guys&mdash;you may expect to see me on my Friday. I can only add my
+prayers for the nation&rsquo;s safety and my compliments to Mrs.
+Punch and the young P.s.</p>
+<p class="rgt">Yours ever,<br />
+MONTEAGLE.</p>
+<p>P.S. Let me have your advice and your last Number immediately I
+have made a few notes, and paid the postage.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>The following is the letter referred to by the Baron
+Jamescrow:&mdash;</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p>MY LORD,&mdash;Being known to some of your friends I would
+advise you, as you tender your peace and quiet, to devise some
+excuse to shift off your attendance at your house (clearly the
+House of Lords&mdash;<em>Monteagle</em>), for fire and brimstone
+have united to destroy the enemies of man (evidently gunpowder,
+lucifer-matches, and the Peers&mdash;<em>Monteagle</em>). Think not
+lightly of my advertisement (see <em>Dispatch</em>), but retire
+yourself in the country (I should think I
+would&mdash;<em>Monteagle</em>), where you may abide in safety; for
+though there be no appearance of any <em>pun&aelig;</em>; (what the
+deuce does this mean? Puny&rsquo;s
+little&mdash;<em>Monteagle</em>), yet they will receive a terrible
+blow-up (By pun&aelig; he means members of Parliament, and he
+<em>is</em> another Guy!&mdash;<em>Monteagle</em>); yet they shall
+not see who hurts them, though the place shall be purified and the
+enemy completely destroyed.</p>
+<p class="rgt">I am, your Lordship&rsquo;s servant,<br />
+and destroyer to her Majesty and the two Houses of
+Parliament.<br />
+T.I.F. Fin.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<p>We are surprised at our friend Monteagle troubling us with a
+matter evidently as plain as the nose on our own face. It requires
+neither a Solon nor a Punch to solve the enigma. It is merely a
+letter from Tiffin, the bug destroyer to her Majesty, and refers to
+his peculiar plan of persecuting the <em>pun&aelig;</em>.</p>
+<p>We have no doubt that Lords and Commons will be blown up on the
+re-assembling of Parliament; and as an assurance that we do not
+speak upon conjecture only, we beg to subjoin a portrait of the
+delinquent.</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/017-05.png"><img src=
+"images/017-05.png" alt="A caricature with a downcast head." id=
+"img017-05" name="img017-05" width="30%" /></a>
+<p>THE MODERN GUY VAUX.</p>
+</div>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page196" name="page196"></a>[pg
+196]</span>
+<h2>THE RIVAL CANDIDATES.</h2>
+<p>Be not afraid, gentle reader, that, from the title of our
+present article, we are about to prescribe for you any political
+draught. No! be assured that we know as little about politics as
+pyrotechny&mdash;that we are as blissfully ignorant of all that
+relates to the science of government as that of
+gastronomy&mdash;and have ever since our boyhood preferred the
+solid consistency of gingerbread to the crisp insipidity of
+parliament. The candidates of whom we write were no would-be
+senators&mdash;no sprouting Ciceros or embryo
+Demosthenes&rsquo;&mdash;they were no aspirants for the grand
+honour of representing the honest and independent stocks and stones
+of some ancient rotten borough, or, what is about the same thing,
+the enlightened ten-pound voters of some modern reformed
+one&mdash;they were not ambitious of the proud privilege of
+appending for seven years two letters to their names, and of
+franking some half-dozen others <em>per diem</em>. No! the rivals
+who form the theme of our present paper were emulous of obtaining
+no place in Parliament, but, what is far more desirable, a place in
+the affections of a lovely maid. They sought not for the suffrages
+of the unwashed, but for the smiles of a fair one,&mdash;they
+neither desired to be returned as the representative of so many
+sordid voters for the term of seven years (a term of transportation
+common alike to M.P.s and pickpockets), but for the more permanent
+honour of being elected as the partner of a certain lady for
+life.</p>
+<p>Georgiana Gray was the lovely object of the rivalry of the above
+candidates; and a damsel more eminently qualified to be the
+innocent cause of contention could not be found within the whole
+catalogue of those dear destructive little creatures who, from Eve
+downwards, have always possessed a peculiar patent for
+mischief-making. Georgiana was as handsome as she was rich. She
+was, in the superlative sense of the word, a beauty, and&mdash;what
+ought to be written in letters of gold&mdash;an heiress. She had
+the figure of a sylph, and the purse of a nabob. Her face was
+lovely and animated enough to enrapture a Raffaelle, and her
+fortune ample enough to captivate a Rothschild. She had a clear
+rent-roll of 20,000<em>l</em>. per annum,&mdash;and a pair of eyes
+that, independent of her other attractions, were sufficiently
+fascinating to seduce Diogenes himself into matrimony.</p>
+<p>Philosophers generally affirm that the only substance capable of
+producing a magnetic effect is steel; but had they been witnesses
+of the great attraction that the fortune of our fair heroine had
+for its many eager pursuers, they would doubtless have agreed with
+us that the metal possessing the greatest possible power of
+magnetism is decidedly&mdash;gold. Innumerable were the butterflies
+that were drawn towards the lustre of the lovely Georgiana&rsquo;s
+money; and many a suitor, who set a high value upon his personal
+qualifications, might be found at her side endeavouring to persuade
+its pretty possessor of the eligible investment that might be made
+of the property in himself. Report, however, had invidiously
+declared that Georgiana looked with a cold and contemptuous eye
+upon the addresses of all save two.</p>
+<p>Augustus Peacock and Julius Candy (this enviable duo) were two
+such young men as may be met with in herds any fine afternoon
+publishing their persons to the frequenters of Regent-street. They
+did credit to their tailors, who were liberal enough to give them
+credit in return. Their coats were guiltless of a wrinkle, their
+gloves immaculate in their chastity, and their boots resplendent in
+their brilliancy. Indeed they were human annuals&mdash;splendidly
+bound, handsomely embellished&mdash;but replete with nothing but
+fashionable frivolities. They never ventured out till such time as
+they imagined the streets were well-aired, and were never known to
+indulge in an Havannah till twelve o&rsquo;clock P.M. They were
+scrupulous in their attentions to the Opera and the figurantes, and
+had no objection to wear the chains of matrimony provided the links
+were made of gold. In fine, they were of that common genus of
+gentlemen who lounge through life, and leave nothing behind them
+but a tombstone and a small six-shilling advertisement amongst the
+Deaths of some morning newspaper as a record of their having
+existed.</p>
+<p>Such were the persons and the qualifications of the gentlemen to
+whom report had assigned the possession of the hand and fortune of
+the fair Georgiana Gray. But, happy as they respectively felt to be
+thus singled out for the proud distinction, still the knowledge of
+there being a rival in the field to dispute the glories of the
+conquest materially detracted from that feeling. They had each
+heard of the pretensions of the other; and while the peace of the
+one was repeatedly disturbed by the panegyrics of Mr. P., the
+harmony of the other met with an equal violation from the eulogies
+of Mr. C.; and although their respective vanities would not allow
+them to believe that the lady in question could be so deficient in
+taste as to prefer any other person to their precious selves, still
+it was but natural that they should neither look upon the other
+with any other feeling than that of disgust at the egregious
+impudence, and contempt for the superlative conceit, that could
+lead any other man to enter the lists as an opponent to themselves.
+Repeatedly had Mr. P. been heard to express his desire to lengthen
+the olfactory organ of Mr. C.; while the latter had frequently been
+known to declare that nothing would confer greater gratification
+upon him than to endorse with his cane the person of Mr. P. In
+fact, they hated each other with all possible cordiality.
+Fortunately, however, circumstances had never brought them into
+collision.</p>
+<p>It was a lovely afternoon in May. All the world were returning
+to town. Georgiana Gray had just forsaken Harrowgate and its
+waters, to participate in the thickening gaieties of the
+metropolis. Augustus Peacock had abandoned the moors of Scotland
+for the beauties of Almack&rsquo;s; and Julius Candy had hastened
+from the banks of the Wye for the fascinations of Taglioni and the
+Opera.</p>
+<p>The first object of Augustus on returning to town was to hasten
+and pay his devoirs to <em>his</em> intended. With this intent he
+proceeded to the mansion of Georgiana, and was ushered into the
+drawing-room, with the assurance that the lady would be with him
+immediately. The servant, however, had no sooner quitted the
+apartment than Mr. Candy, actuated by a similar motive, knocked at
+the door, and was speedily conducted into the presence of his
+rival.</p>
+<p>The two gentlemen, being mutually ignorant of the person of the
+other, bowed with all the formality usual to a first
+introduction.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Fine day, sir,&rdquo; said Augustus Peacock, after a
+short pause, little aware that he was holding communion with his
+rival.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It is&mdash;very fine, sir,&rdquo; returned Julius Candy
+with a smile, which, had he been conscious of the person he was
+addressing, would instantly have been converted into a most
+contemptuous sneer.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Have you had the pleasure of seeing Miss Gray, sir, since
+her return from Harrowgate?&rdquo; inquired Augustus, with the soft
+civility of a man of fashion.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;No,&mdash;I have not yet had that honour, sir;
+no,&rdquo;&mdash;replied Julius, with a slight inclination of his
+body.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Charming girl, sir,&rdquo; remarked Mr. Peacock.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Fascinating creature,&rdquo; responded Mr. Candy.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Did you ever see <em>such</em> eyes, sir?&rdquo;
+continued Mr. P.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Never! &rsquo;pon my honour!
+never!&rdquo;&mdash;exclaimed Julius, in a tone of moderate
+enthusiasm. &ldquo;You may call <em>them</em> eyes, sir,&rdquo; and
+here he elevated his own.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;And what lips?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Positively provoking!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Ah, sir!&rdquo; languishingly remarked Augustus,
+&ldquo;he will be a happy may who gets possession of such a
+treasure!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;He will, indeed, sir,&rdquo; returned his unknown rival,
+with an air of self-satisfaction, as if he believed that happiness
+was likely to be his own.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;You are aware, I suppose, sir,&rdquo; proceeded the
+communicative Mr. Peacock, &ldquo;that there is a certain party
+whom Miss Gray looks upon with particular favour&rdquo;&mdash;and
+the gentleman, to give peculiar emphasis to the remark, slightly
+elevated his cravat.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I should think I ought to be&rdquo;&mdash;pointedly
+returned Mr. C.&mdash;simpering somewhat diffidently at the idea
+that the observation was levelled at himself.</p>
+<p>The two rivals looked at each other, tittered, and bowed.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Ah! yes&mdash;I dare say&mdash;observed it, no
+doubt!&rdquo; said Augustus, when his emotion had subsided.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Why, yes&mdash;I should have been blind indeed could I
+have failed to remark it,&rdquo; responded Julius.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Ah yes&mdash;you&rsquo;re right&mdash;yes&mdash;Miss
+Gray&rsquo;s attentions have been particularly marked,
+certainly&mdash;yes.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;They have been, sir, very, <em>very</em>
+marked&mdash;she&rsquo;s quite taken, poor thing, I
+believe!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Yes, poor creature!&mdash;sadly smitten indeed!&mdash;The
+lady has confessed as much to you perhaps, sir?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Mr. Candy looked surprised at the remark of his companion, and
+replied &ldquo;Why really, sir, that is a question
+which&rdquo;&mdash;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Ah, yes, I beg pardon, I was wrong&mdash;yes, I ought to
+have considered&mdash;but candidly, sir, what do you think of the
+match?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;&rsquo;Pon my honour, my dear sir,&rdquo; exclaimed
+Julius most feelingly, colouring slightly at the question, which he
+thought was rather home-thrust.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Ah, yes, to be sure, it is rather a delicate question,
+considering, you know, that one is in the presence of the party
+himself, is it not?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Very, <em>very</em> delicate, I can assure you,&rdquo;
+said Julius, who, &ldquo;laying the flattering unction to his
+soul&rdquo; that he was the party alluded to, thought it rather an
+indelicate one.</p>
+<p>Augustus observed the embarrassment of his companion, and could
+not refrain from laughter, and turning round to his companion,
+enquired significantly, &ldquo;whether he did not think he was a
+happy man?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Julius, who was in a measure similarly affected by the
+excitement of his unknown friend, observed, that the gentleman
+certainly did seem of a peculiarly gay disposition; and the two
+rivals, each delighted with the fancied approval of his suit by the
+other, indulged a mutual cachinnation.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I suppose,&rdquo; after a slight pause remarked Augustus,
+with apparently perfect indifference, &ldquo;you are aware that
+there was a rival in the field?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Oh! ah! did hear of a fellow,&rdquo; responded Julius,
+with equal <em>insouciance</em>, &ldquo;but the idea of any other
+man carrying off the prize, perfectly ridiculous!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Oh! absolutely ludicrous, &rsquo;pon my soul! Ha! ha!
+ha!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It is astonishing the confounded vanity of some
+people!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;And their preposterous obtuseness! why, a man with half
+an eye might see the folly of such presumption.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;To be sure, stupid dolt!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Impudent puppy!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Conceited fool!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;The fellow must be out of his senses!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Yes, a horsewhipping perhaps might bring him
+to!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Ay, or a good kicking might be salutary!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The unanimity of the rival candidates produced, as might be
+supposed from their ignorance of the pretensions of each other, a
+feeling of mutual satisfaction and friendship, which, after a
+volley of anathemas had been fired by each gentleman against his
+rival, in absolute unconsciousness of <span class="pagenum"><a id=
+"page197" name="page197"></a>[pg 197]</span>his presence,
+ultimately displayed itself by each of them rising from his chair,
+and shaking the other most energetically by the hand.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Really, my dear sir,&rdquo; exclaimed Augustus in an
+inordinate fit of enthusiasm, at the supposed sympathy of his
+companion, &ldquo;I never met with a gentleman so peculiarly to my
+fancy as yourself.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;The feeling is perfectly reciprocal, believe me, my dear
+sir,&rdquo; returned Julius, equally delighted with the imagined
+friendship of Mr. P.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I trust that our acquaintance will not end
+here.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I shall be most proud to cultivate it, I can assure
+you.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Will you allow me to present you with a card?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I shall be too happy to exchange it for one of my
+own!&rdquo; and so saying, the parties searched for their
+cases&mdash;Mr. P., in the mean time, protesting his gratification
+&ldquo;to meet with a gentleman whose opinions so thoroughly
+coincided with his own,&rdquo;&mdash;and Mr. C. as emphatically
+declaring &ldquo;that he should ever consider this the most
+fortunate occurrence of his life.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Believe me, I shall be most happy to see you at any
+time,&rdquo; observed Mr. Augustus Peacock, smiling as he placed
+the small oblong of cardboard which bore his name and address in
+the hand of his companion.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I shall feel too proud if you will honour me with a call
+at your earliest convenience,&rdquo; said Mr. Julius Candy bowing,
+while he presented to his fancied friend the little pasteboard
+parallelogram inscribed with his title and residence.</p>
+<p>The eyes of the two gentlemen, however, were no sooner directed
+to the cards, which had been placed in their hands, than the smiles
+which had previously gladdened their countenances were
+instantaneously changed into expressions of the most indignant
+scorn and surprise.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Peacock!&rdquo; shouted Candy.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Candy!&rdquo; vociferated Peacock.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Sir!&rdquo; exclaimed the furious Mr. P., &ldquo;had I
+known that Candy was the name of the man, sir, whom I was
+addressing, sir, my conduct you would have found, sir, of a very
+different character!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;And had I been aware,&rdquo; retorted the exasperated Mr.
+C., &ldquo;that Peacock was the title of the <em>fellow</em>&rdquo;
+(and he laid a forty-horse power of emphasis upon the word)
+&ldquo;with whom I have been conversing, my card would never have
+been delivered to him but with a different motive.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Fellow, sir! I think you said&mdash;<em>Fellow</em>,
+sir!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I did, sir,&mdash;fellow was the word I used, and I
+repeat it&mdash;fellow&mdash;fellow!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;You do, sir! and I throw back in your teeth, sir, with
+the addition of fool, sir!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Fool!&mdash;no, no&mdash;not quite a fool&mdash;only
+<em>near</em> one, sir!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;You&rsquo;re a conceited puppy, sir!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;And you are an impudent scoundrel, sir!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>This brought matters to a crisis. The parties embraced their
+canes with more than ordinary ardour, and, by their lowering looks,
+indicated a fervent desire to violate the peace of her blessed
+Majesty, when the fair cause of their contention suddenly entered
+the apartment.</p>
+<p>It was no difficult matter, in the positions they occupied, for
+Georgiana to divine the reason of their animosity; which she
+effectually allayed by informing the angry disputants, &ldquo;that
+either had no reason to look upon the other with any degree of
+jealousy, for she humbly begged to assure them that her affections
+were devoted to&mdash;<em>neither</em>.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>This, of course, put a full stop to their chivalry: each party
+seized his hat, bowing distantly to the insensible Georgiana, and
+left the house, vowing certain destruction to the other; but, upon
+cool reflection, Messrs. C. and P. doubtless deemed it advisable
+not to endanger the small quantum of brains they individually
+possessed, by fighting for a lady who was so utterly blind to their
+manifold merits.</p>
+<p>Thus ended the feud of THE RIVAL CANDIDATES.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>SIR FRANCIS BURDETT&rsquo;S VISIT TO THE TOWER.</h3>
+<p>On the news of the fire in the Tower of London being told to Sir
+Francis Burdett, he hurried to the scene of the conflagration,
+which must have suggested some unpleasing reminiscences of his lost
+popularity and faded glory. Some thirty years ago, those very walls
+received him like a second Hampden, the undaunted defender of his
+country&rsquo;s rights;&mdash;on last Monday he entered them a
+broken-down unhonoured parasite. Gazing on the black and
+smouldering ruins before him&mdash;he perhaps compared them to his
+own patriotism, for he was heard to matter audibly&mdash;</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/017-06.png"><img src=
+"images/017-06.png" alt="A man brushes his thinning hair." id=
+"img017-06" name="img017-06" width="50%" /></a>
+<p>CAN IT BE THAT THIS IS ALL REMAINS OF THEE?</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>REFORM YOUR LAWYERS&rsquo; BILLS.</h3>
+<p>It is a well-known and established fact, that nothing so far
+conduces to the domestic happiness of all circles as the golden
+system of living within one&rsquo;s income. Luxuries cease to be so
+if after-reflection produces vexatious results; comfort flies
+before an exorbitant and unprepared-for demand; and the debtor
+dunned by the merciless creditor sinks into something worse than a
+cipher, as nothingness is denied him, and the <em>one</em> standing
+before him but aggravates, and multiplies his painful annoyances.
+The great secret of satisfactory existence derives its origin from
+well-calculated and moderate expenditure. Ten thousand a year
+renders pines cheap at 1<em>l</em>. 11<em>s</em>. 6<em>d</em>. per
+pound; ten hundred is better exemplified by Ribston pippins!</p>
+<p>So in all grades are there various matters of taste which become
+extravagance if rushed into by persons unbreeched for the occasion.
+Luckily for the present day, the tastes of the gourmand and epicure
+are merged in more manly sports; the great class of Corinthian
+aristocrats cull sweets from the blackened eyes of
+policemen&mdash;raptures from wrenched-off knockers&mdash;merriment
+in contusions&mdash;and frantic delight in fractured limbs! These
+innocent amusements have in their prosecution plunged many of their
+thoughtless and high-spirited devotees into pecuniary difficulties,
+simply from their ignorance of the costs attendant upon such
+exciting, fashionable, and therefore highly proper amusements.</p>
+<p>Ever anxious to ameliorate the suffering and persecuted of ail
+classes, Messrs. Quibble and Quirk, attorneys-at-law, beg to offer
+their professional services at the following fixed and equitable
+rate,&mdash;they, Messrs. Q. and Q., pledging themselves that on no
+occasion shall the charge exceed the sum opposite the particular
+amusement in the following list.</p>
+<blockquote>
+<p class="cen">N.B. Five per cent, per annum taken off for terms of
+imprisonment.</p>
+<p class="cen">&#9758; N.B. For prompt payment only.</p>
+<p>Messrs. Q. and Q.&rsquo;s <em>card</em> of charges for defending
+a Nobleman, Right Honble., Baronet, Knight, Esquire., Gentleman,
+Younger Son, Head Clerk, Junior do., Westminster Boy, Medical
+Student, Grecian at Christ&rsquo;s Church, Monitor, or any other
+miscellaneous individual aping or belonging to the aristocracy,
+from the following prosecutions:&mdash;</p>
+<table summary="rate card part 1">
+<tr>
+<td></td>
+<td style="text-align:right;"><em>&pound;</em></td>
+<td style="text-align:right;"><em>s.</em></td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="padding-left:1em;text-indent:-1em;">To breaking a
+policeman&rsquo;s neck</td>
+<td style="text-align:right;">50</td>
+<td style="text-align:right;">0</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="padding-left:1em;text-indent:-1em;">To producing
+witnesses to swear policeman broke same himself</td>
+<td style="text-align:right;">10</td>
+<td style="text-align:right;">0</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="padding-left:1em;text-indent:-1em;">To choice of
+situation of house in street where done, from roof of which
+policeman fell; fee to landlord for number and affidavit</td>
+<td style="text-align:right;">10</td>
+<td style="text-align:right;">10</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="padding-left:3em;">Total for neck, acquittal, witnesses,
+and perjury</td>
+<td style=
+"text-align:right;border-width:1pt 0pt;border-style:solid;">
+&pound;70</td>
+<td style=
+"text-align:right;border-width:1pt 0pt;border-style:solid;">10</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="padding-left:1em;text-indent:-1em;">For do. leg, ribs,
+arms, head, nose, or other unimportant member</td>
+<td style="text-align:right;">15</td>
+<td style="text-align:right;">0</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="padding-left:1em;text-indent:-1em;">For receipt written
+by wife of handsome provision</td>
+<td style="text-align:right;">1</td>
+<td style="text-align:right;">0</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="padding-left:1em;text-indent:-1em;">For writing and
+indorsing same</td>
+<td style="text-align:right;">5</td>
+<td style="text-align:right;">5</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="padding-left:1em;text-indent:-1em;">Extras for alibis,
+if necessary; hire of clothes for witnesses to look decent,
+including loss by their absconding with the name</td>
+<td style="text-align:right;">10</td>
+<td style="text-align:right;">10</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="padding-left:3em;">Total</td>
+<td style=
+"text-align:right;border-width:1pt 0pt;border-style:solid;">
+&pound;31</td>
+<td style=
+"text-align:right;border-width:1pt 0pt;border-style:solid;">15</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="padding-left:1em;text-indent:-1em;">For knockers by
+gross in populous neighbourhoods</td>
+<td style="text-align:right;">20</td>
+<td style="text-align:right;">0</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="padding-left:1em;text-indent:-1em;">For carpenter
+proving same never fitted their respective doors there engaged</td>
+<td style="text-align:right;">3</td>
+<td style="text-align:right;">3</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="padding-left:1em;text-indent:-1em;">All extras
+included</td>
+<td style="text-align:right;">1</td>
+<td style="text-align:right;">1</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="padding-left:3em;">Total</td>
+<td style=
+"text-align:right;border-width:1pt 0pt;border-style:solid;">
+&pound;24</td>
+<td style=
+"text-align:right;border-width:1pt 0pt;border-style:solid;">4</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td>
+<p>N.B.&mdash;Messrs. Q. and Q. beg to suggest, as the above
+charges are low, the old iron may as well be left at their
+offices.</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="padding-left:1em;text-indent:-1em;">For railings, per
+knob or dozen, assaults on police included, if not amounting to
+fracture</td>
+<td style="text-align:right;">5</td>
+<td style="text-align:right;">5</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="padding-left:1em;text-indent:-1em;">For suppressing
+police reports, or getting them put in in a sporting manner, the
+word gentleman substituted for prisoner, and &ldquo;seat on the
+bench&rdquo; for &ldquo;place at the bar&rdquo;</td>
+<td style="text-align:right;">10</td>
+<td style="text-align:right;">10</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+<td style="padding-left:3em;">Total</td>
+<td style=
+"text-align:right;border-width:1pt 0pt;border-style:solid;">
+&pound;15</td>
+<td style=
+"text-align:right;border-width:1pt 0pt;border-style:solid;">15</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+<p>And all other legal articles in the above lines at equally low
+charges.</p>
+<p>Noblemen and gentlemen contracting for seven years allowed a
+handsome discount. No connexion with any other house.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<hr />
+<h3>&ldquo;WHEN VULCAN FORGED,&rdquo; &amp;c.</h3>
+<p>&ldquo;Bless my soul!&rdquo; said Sir Peter Laurie, rushing into
+the Justice-room the morning the Exchequer Bill affair was
+discovered, and seizing Hobler by the button; &ldquo;This is a
+dreadful business. Have you any idea, Hobler, who the delinquent
+is?&rdquo; &ldquo;Why really, Sir Peter, &rsquo;tis difficult to
+say; but from an inspection of the <em>forged</em> instruments I
+should say it was <em>Smith&rsquo;s work</em>.&rdquo; Sir Peter
+felt the importance of the suggestion, and rushed off to Sir Robert
+Peel to recommend the stoppage of all the forges in the
+kingdom.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page198" name="page198"></a>[pg
+198]</span>
+<h2>PEEL&rsquo;S PRE-EXISTENCE!</h2>
+<p>&ldquo;Every man is not only himself,&rdquo; says Sir THOMAS
+BROWNE; &ldquo;there hath been many Diogenes, and as many Timons,
+though but few of that name. <em>Men are lived over again</em>. The
+world is now as it was in ages past: there was none then but there
+hath been some one since that parallels him, and, as it were,
+<em>his revived self</em>.&rdquo; We are devout believers in the
+creed.</p>
+<p>HERR VON TEUFELSKOPF was a High German doctor, of the first
+class. He had taken his diploma of Beelzebub in the Black Forest,
+and was gifted with as fine a hand to force a card&mdash;with as
+glib a tongue to harangue a mob at wakes and fairs, as any
+professor since the birth of the fourth grace of
+life,&mdash;swindling. He would talk until his head smoked of his
+list of miraculous cures&mdash;of his balsams, his anodynes, his
+elixirs; in the benevolence of his soul he would, to accommodate
+the pockets of the poor, sell a pennyworth of the
+philosopher&rsquo;s stone; and, as a further illustration of his
+sympathy for suffering man or woman, give, even for a kreutzer, a
+mouthful of the Fountain of Youth. As a water-doctor, too, his
+Sagacity was inconceivable. A hundred years ago, he told to a
+fraction the amount of the national debt, from a single glance at
+the specimen sent him by JOHN BULL; and more, for five-and-twenty
+years predicted who would be the incoming Lord Mayor of London,
+from an inspection of a pint of water presented to him every season
+from Aldgate-pump. He could prophesy all the politics of the Court
+of Aldermen from a phial filled at Fleet-ditch; and could at any
+time&mdash;no trifling task&mdash;tell the amount of corruption in
+the House of Commons, by taking up a handful of water at
+Westminster-bridge. On his stolen visit to England&mdash;for the
+honour he has done our country has never been generally
+known&mdash;he calculated to a nicety how many puppies and kittens
+were annually drowned in the Thames, and how many
+suicides&mdash;particularising the sex and dress of each
+sufferer&mdash;were committed in the same period, from a bottlefull
+of Thames water brought to him wherewith to dilute his brandy at
+the Ship public house, Greenwich&mdash;a hostelry much frequented
+by Doctor TEUFELSKOPF. We have seen the calculation very
+beautifully illuminated on ass&rsquo;s skin, and at this moment
+deposited in the college of Heligoland. It is not generally known
+that the Doctor died in this country; lustily predicting, however,
+that after a nap of a score or so of years he would return to this
+life in an entirely new character. The Doctor has kept his word.
+HERR VON TEUFELSKOPF, as Sir THOMAS BROWNE says, is &ldquo;lived
+over again&rdquo; in Sir ROBERT PEEL!</p>
+<p>It is impossible to reflect upon the enlarged humanity of Sir
+ROBERT&mdash;for though, indeed, he is no other than the old German
+quack revived, we will not refuse to him his new name&mdash;toward
+the sufferers of Paisley, without feeling that the fine spirit of
+finesse which made the reputation of the student of the Black
+Forest has in no way suffered from its long sleep; but, on the
+contrary, has risen very much refreshed for new practice. The
+Doctor never compassed so fine a sleight as Sir ROBERT when lately,
+playing the philanthropist, he struck his breeches&rsquo; pocket
+with a spasm of benevolence, and pulled therefrom&mdash;fifty
+pounds! Only a few weeks before, Sir ROBERT had sworn by all his
+list of former cures, that he would clothe the naked and feed the
+hungry, if he were duly authorised and duly paid for such
+Christian-like solicitude. He is called in; he then prorogues
+Parliament to the tune of &ldquo;Go to the devil and shake
+yourself,&rdquo; and sits down in the easy chair of salary, and
+tries to think! Disturbed in his contemplations by the groans and
+screams of the famishing, he addresses the starving multitude from
+the windows of Downing-street, telling them he can do nothing for
+them in a large way, but&mdash;the fee he has received to cure them
+can afford as much&mdash;graciously throwing them fifty pounds from
+his private compassion! As a statesman he is powerless; but he has
+no objection to subscribe to the Mendicity Society.</p>
+<p>It is an old hacknied abuse of NERO, that when Rome was in flame
+he accompanied the crackling of doors and rafters with his very
+best fiddle. We grant this showed a want of fine sympathy on the
+part of NERO; there was, nevertheless, a boldness, an exhibition of
+nerve, in such instrumentation. Any way, it leaves us with a higher
+respect for NERO than if he had been found playing on the burning
+Pantheon with a penny squirt. His mockery of the Romans, bad as it
+was, was not the mockery of compassion.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I will make bread cheap for you,&rdquo; says Sir ROBERT
+PEEL to the Paisley sufferers; &ldquo;I will not enable you to buy
+the quartern loaf at a reduced rate by your own industry, but I
+will treat you to a penny roll, at its present size, from my own
+purse.&rdquo; Whereupon the Tories clap their hands and cry,
+&ldquo;What magnanimity!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>What should we say if, on another Pie-lane conflagration of
+London, the Minister were to issue an order commanding all the
+fire-offices to make no attempt to extinguish the flames, and were
+then to exclaim to the sufferers, &ldquo;My friends, I deeply
+sympathize with you; but the Ph&oelig;nix shall not budge, the
+Hand-in-Hand mustn&rsquo;t move a finger, the Eagle must stay where
+it is; nevertheless, there is a little private fire-engine of my
+own at Tamworth; you are heartily welcome to the use of it, and
+pray heaven it may put this terrible fire out, and once more make
+you snug and comfortable.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Quackery is of more ancient birth than many very honest people
+suspect; nay, more than, were the register of its nativity laid
+before their eyes, they would be willing to admit. We have no space
+for its voluminous history; but it is our belief, since quackery
+first plied its profitable trade with human incredulity, it never
+perpetrated so successful a trick as that exhibited by Sir ROBERT
+PEEL in his motion of want of confidence. The first scene of the
+farce is only begun. We have seen how Sir ROBERT has snatched the
+cards out of the hands of the Whigs, and shall find how he will
+play the self-same trumps assorted by his opponents. A change is
+already coming over the Conservatives; they are meek and mild, and,
+with their pocket handkerchiefs at their eyes, lisp about the
+distresses of the people. &ldquo;When the geese gaggle,&rdquo; says
+a rustic saw, &ldquo;expect a change of weather.&rdquo; Lord
+LONDONDERRY has already begun to talk of an alteration of the
+Corn-laws.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Who knows what a minister may be compelled to do?&rdquo;
+says Lord LONDONDERRY. These are new words for the old harridan
+Toryism. She was wont, like <em>Falstaff</em>, to blow out her
+cheeks and defy compulsion. But the truth is, Toryism has a new
+host to contend with. Her old reign was supported by fictitious
+credit&mdash;by seeming prosperity&mdash;and, more than all, by the
+ignorance of the people. Well, the bills drawn by Toryism (at a
+long date we grant) have now to be paid&mdash;paper is to be turned
+into Bank gold. Arithmetic is a great teacher, and, with the
+taxman&rsquo;s ink horn at his button-hole, gives at every door
+lessons that sink into the heart of the scholar. Public opinion,
+which, in the good old days &ldquo;when George the Third was
+king,&rdquo; was little more than an abstraction&mdash;a thing
+talked of, not acknowledged&mdash;is now a tangible presence. The
+said public opinion is now formed of hundreds of thousands whose
+existence, save in the books of the Exchequer, was scarcely
+admitted by any reigning minister. Sir ROBERT PEEL has now to give
+in his reckoning to the hard-heads of Manchester, of Birmingham, of
+Leeds&mdash;he must pass his books with them, and tens of thousands
+of their scholars scattered throughout the kingdom; or, three
+months after the next meeting of Parliament, he is nought.</p>
+<p>At this moment, it is said, Sir ROBERT is studying what taxes he
+can best lay upon the people. We confess to the difficulty of the
+case. At this moment there is scarcely a feather so light, the
+addition of which will not crack the camel&rsquo;s back. No; Sir
+ROBERT will come to the Whig measures of relief, having so
+disguised them as, like <em>Plagiary&rsquo;s</em> metaphors, to
+make them pass for his own. The object of himself and party is,
+however, attained. He has juggled himself into place. With the
+genius of his former existence, as TEUFELSKOPF, the Premier has
+shuffled himself into Downing-street; and there he will leave
+nothing untried that he may remain. &ldquo;If Cato gets drunk, then
+is drunkenness no shame&rdquo;&mdash;&ldquo;If Sir ROBERT PEEL
+alter the Corn-laws, then is it proper that the Corn-laws should be
+changed.&rdquo; This will be the cry of the Conservatives; and we
+shall see men, who before would have vowed themselves to slow
+starvation before they would admit an ear of wheat from Poland or
+Egypt, vote for a sliding-scale or no scale at all, as their places
+and the strength of their party may be best assured.</p>
+<p>Doctor VON TEUFELSKOPF for years of his life was wont to eat
+fire and swallow a sword. We shall see how once more Sir ROBERT
+PEEL will eat his own principles&mdash;swallow his own words. When
+men call this apostacy, the Doctor will blandly smile, and
+denominate it a sacrifice to public opinion. We have no doubt that,
+as long as he can, the Premier will put off the remedy; he will try
+this and that; but at length public opinion will compel him to cast
+aside his own nostrums and use RUSSELL&rsquo;S&mdash;<em>bread
+pills</em>!</p>
+<p class="rgt">Q.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>EPIGRAMS ON A LOUD AND SILLY TALKER.</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>If it be true man&rsquo;s tongue is like a steed,</p>
+<p>Which bears his mind,&mdash;why then, none wonder need,</p>
+<p>That Timlin&rsquo;s tongue can run at such a rate,</p>
+<p>Because it only carries&mdash;feather weight.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="short" />
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>When Timlin speaks, his voice so shrill and loud</p>
+<p>Fills with amazement all the list&rsquo;ning crowd;</p>
+<p>But soon the wonder ceases, when &rsquo;tis found</p>
+<p>That empty vessels make the greatest sound.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h2>PUNCH&rsquo;S PENCILLINGS.&mdash;No. XVII.</h2>
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page199" name="page199"></a>[pg
+199]</span>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/017-07.png"><img src=
+"images/017-07.png" alt=
+"A man gives a paper marked '&pound;200,000' to a man behind a desk marked 'Treasury'"
+id="img017-07" name="img017-07" width="100%" /></a>
+<p>SIR ROBERT MACAIRE</p>
+<p>ENDEAVOURING TO DO AN EXCHEQUER BILL.</p>
+</div>
+<!-- [pg 200] -->
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page201" name="page201"></a>[pg
+201]</span>
+<h2>THE PHYSIOLOGY OF THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT.</h2>
+<h3>6.&mdash;OF THE GRINDER AND HIS CLASS.</h3>
+<div class="dropcap"><a href="images/017-08.png"><img src=
+"images/017-08.png" alt=
+"Two people kiss through a frame in the shape of the letter O." id=
+"img017-08" name="img017-08" width="100%" /></a></div>
+<p><span class="hide">O</span>ne fine morning, in the October of
+the third winter session, the student is suddenly struck by the
+recollection that at the end of the course the time will arrive for
+him to be thinking about undergoing the ordeals of the Hall and
+College. Making up his mind, therefore, to begin studying in
+earnest, he becomes a <em>pro tempore</em> member of a temperance
+society, pledging himself to abstain from immoderate beer for six
+months: he also purchases a coffee-pot, a reading-candlestick, and
+Steggall&rsquo;s Manual; and then, contriving to accumulate five
+guineas to pay a &ldquo;grinder,&rdquo; he routs out his old
+note-books from the bottom of his box, and commences to &ldquo;read
+for the Hall.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Aspirants to honours in law, physic, or divinity, each know the
+value of private cramming&mdash;a process by which their brains are
+fattened, by abstinence from liquids and an increase of dry food
+(some of it <em>very</em> dry), like the livers of Strasbourg
+geese. There are grinders in each of these three professional
+classes; but the medical teacher is the man of the most varied and
+eccentric knowledge. Not only is he intimately acquainted with the
+different branches required to be studied, but he is also master of
+all their minuti&aelig;. In accordance with the taste of the
+examiners, he learns and imparts to his class at what degree of
+heat water boils in a balloon&mdash;how the article of commerce,
+<em>Prussian blue</em>, is more easily and correctly defined as the
+<em>Ferrosesquicyanuret of the cyanide of potassium</em>&mdash;why
+the nitrous oxyde, or laughing gas, induces people to make such
+asses of themselves; and, especially, all sorts of individual
+inquiries, which, if continued at the present rate, will range from
+&ldquo;Who discovered the use of the spleen?&rdquo; to &ldquo;Who
+killed cock robin?&rdquo; for aught we know. They ask questions at
+the Hall quite as vague as these.</p>
+<p>It is twelve o&rsquo;clock at noon. In a large room, ornamented
+by shelves of bottles and preparations, with varnished prints of
+medical plants and cases of articulated bones and ligaments, a
+number of young men are seated round a long table covered with
+baize, in the centre of whom an intellectual-looking man, whose
+well-developed forehead shows the amount of knowledge it can
+contain, is interrogating by turns each of the students, and
+endeavouring to impress the points in question on their memories by
+various diverting associations. Each of his pupils, as he passes
+his examination, furnishes him with a copy of the subjects touched
+upon; and by studying these minutely, the private teacher forms a
+pretty correct idea of the general run of the &ldquo;Hall
+questions.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Now, Mr. Muff,&rdquo; says the gentleman to one of his
+class, handing him a bottle of something which appears like
+specimens of a chestnut colt&rsquo;s coat after he had been
+clipped; &ldquo;what&rsquo;s that, sir?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That&rsquo;s cow-itch, sir,&rdquo; replies Mr. Muff.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Cow what? You must call it at the Hall by its botanical
+name&mdash;<em>dolichos pruriens</em>. What is it used
+for?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;To strew in people&rsquo;s beds that you owe a grudge
+to,&rdquo; replies Muff; whereat all the class laugh, except the
+last comer, who takes it all for granted, and makes a note of the
+circumstance in his interleaved manual.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;That answer would floor you,&rdquo; continues the
+grinder. &ldquo;The <em>dolichos</em> is used to destroy worms. How
+does it act, Mr. Jones?&rdquo; going on to the next pupil&mdash;a
+man in a light cotton cravat and no shirt collar, who looks very
+like a butler out of place.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;It tickles them to death, sir,&rdquo; answers Mr.
+Jones.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;You would say it acts mechanically,&rdquo; observes the
+grinder. &ldquo;The fine points stick into the worms and kill them.
+They say, &lsquo;Is this a dagger which I see before me?&rsquo; and
+then die. Recollect the dagger, Mr. Jones, when you go up. Mr.
+Manhug, what do you consider the best sudorific, if you wanted to
+throw a person into a perspiration?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Mr. Manhug, who is the wag of the class, finishes, in rather an
+abrupt manner, a song he was humming, <em>sotto voce</em>, having
+some allusion to a peer who was known as Thomas, Lord Noddy, having
+passed a night at a house of public entertainment in the Old Bailey
+previous to an execution. He then takes a pinch of snuff, winks at
+the other pupils as much as to say, &ldquo;See me tackle him,
+now;&rdquo; and replies, &ldquo;The gallery door of Covent Garden
+on Boxing-night.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Now, come, be serious for once, Mr. Manhug,&rdquo;
+continues the teacher; &ldquo;what else is likely to answer the
+purpose?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;I think a run up Holborn-hill, with two Ely-place
+knockers on your arm, and three policemen on your heels, might have
+a good effect,&rdquo; answers Mr. Manhug.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Do you ever think you will pass the Hall, if you go on at
+this rate?&rdquo; observes the teacher, in a tone of mild
+reproach.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Not a doubt of it, sir,&rdquo; returns the imperturbable
+Manhug. &ldquo;I&rsquo;ve passed it twenty times within this last
+month, and did not find any very great difficulty about it; neither
+do I expect to, unless they block up Union-street and
+Water-lane.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>The grinder gives Mr. Manhug up as a hopeless case, and goes on
+to the next. &ldquo;Mr. Rapp, they will be very likely to ask you
+the composition of the <em>compound gamboge pill</em>: what is it
+made of?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Mr. Rapp hasn&rsquo;t the least idea.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Remember, then, it is composed of cambogia, aloes,
+ginger, and soap&mdash;C, A, G, S,&mdash;<em>cags</em>. Recollect
+Cags, Mr. Rapp. What would you do if you were sent for to a person
+poisoned by oxalic acid?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Give him some chalk,&rdquo; returns Mr. Rapp.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;But suppose you had not got any chalk, what would you
+substitute?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Oh, anything; pipeclay and soapsuds.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Yes, that&rsquo;s all very right; but we will presume you
+could not get any pipeclay and soapsuds; in fact, that there was
+nothing in the house. What would you do then?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Mr. Manhug cries out from the bottom of the
+table&mdash;&ldquo;Let him die and be &mdash;&mdash;!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Now, Mr. Manhug, I really must entreat of you to be more
+steady,&rdquo; interrupts the professor. &ldquo;You would scrape
+the ceiling with the fire-shovel, would you not? Plaster contains
+lime, and lime is an antidote. Recollect that, if you please. They
+like you to say you would scrape the ceiling, at the Hall: they
+think it shows a ready invention in emergency. Mr. Newcome, you
+have heard the last question and answer?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Yes sir,&rdquo; says the fresh arrival, as he finishes
+making a note of it.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well; you are sent for, to a man who has hung himself.
+What would be your first endeavour?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;To scrape the ceiling with the fire-shovel,&rdquo; mildly
+observes Mr. Newcome; whereupon the class indulges in a hearty
+laugh, and Mr. Newcome blushes as deep as the red bull&rsquo;s-eye
+of a New-road doctor&rsquo;s lamp.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;What would <em>you</em> do, Mr. Manhug? perhaps you can
+inform Mr. Newcome.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Cut him down, sir,&rdquo; answers the indomitable
+<em>farceur</em>.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Well, well,&rdquo; continues the teacher; &ldquo;but we
+will presume he has been cut down. What would you strive to do
+next?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Cut him up, sir, if the coroner would give an order for a
+<em>post mortem</em> examination.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;We have had no chemistry this morning,&rdquo; observes
+one of the pupils.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Very well, Mr. Rogers; we will go on with it if you wish.
+How would you endeavour to detect the presence of gold in any
+body?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;By begging the loan of a sovereign, sir,&rdquo;
+interrupts Mr. Manhug.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;If he knew you as well as I do, Manhug,&rdquo; observes
+Mr. Jones, &ldquo;he&rsquo;d be sure to lend it&mdash;oh,
+yes!&mdash;I should rayther think so, certainly,&rdquo; whereupon
+Mr. Jones compresses his nostril with the thumb of his right hand,
+and moves his fingers as if he was performing a concerto on an
+imaginary one handed flageolet.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Mr. Rapp, what is the difference between an element and a
+compound body?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>Mr. Rapp is again obliged to confess his ignorance.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;A compound body is composed of two or more
+elements,&rdquo; says the grinder, &ldquo;in various proportions.
+Give me an example, Mr. Jones.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;Half-and-half is a compound body, composed of the two
+elements, ale and porter, the proportion of the porter increasing
+in an inverse ratio to the respectability of the public-house you
+get it from,&rdquo; replies Mr. Jones.</p>
+<p>The professor smiles, and taking up a Pharmacop&oelig;ia, says,
+&ldquo;I see here directions for evaporating certain liquids
+&lsquo;in a water-bath.&rsquo; Mr. Newcome, what is the most
+familiar instance of a water-bath you are acquainted
+with?&rdquo;</p>
+<p>&ldquo;In High Holborn, sir; between Little Queen-street and
+Drury-lane,&rdquo; returns Mr. Newcome.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;A water-bath means a vessel placed in boiling-water. Mr.
+Newcome, to keep it at a certain temperature. If you are asked at
+the Hall for the most familiar instance, they like you to say a
+carpenter&rsquo;s glue-pot.&rdquo;</p>
+<p>And in like manner the grinding-class proceeds.</p>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page202" name="page202"></a>[pg
+202]</span>
+<h3>THE LORD MAYORS AND THE QUEEN.</h3>
+<p class="cen"><em>By the Correspondent of the Observer.</em></p>
+<p>The interesting condition of Her Majesty is a source of the most
+agonising suspense to the Lord Mayors of London and Dublin, who, if
+a Prince of Wales is not born before their period of office
+expires, will lose the chance of being created baronets.</p>
+<p>According to rumour, the baby&mdash;we beg pardon, the scion of
+the house of Brunswick&mdash;was to have been born&mdash;we must
+apologise again; we should say was to have been added to the
+illustrious stock of the reigning family of Great
+Britain&mdash;some day last month, and of course the present Lord
+Mayors had comfortably made up their minds that they should be
+entitled to the dignity it is customary to confer on such occasions
+as that which the nation now ardently anticipates. But here we are
+at the beginning of November, and no Prince of Wales. We have
+reason to know that the Lord Mayor of London has not slept a wink
+since Saturday, and his lady has not smiled, according to an
+authority on which we are accustomed to rely, since Thursday
+fortnight. Some say it is done on purpose, because the present
+official is a Tory; and others insinuate that the Prince of Wales
+is postponed in order that there may be an opportunity of making
+Daniel O&rsquo;Connell a baronet. Others suggest that there will be
+twins presented to the nation! one on the night of the 8th of
+November, the other on the morning of the 9th, so as to conciliate
+both parties; but we are not disposed at present to pronounce a
+decided opinion on this part of the question. We know that politics
+have been carried most indelicately into the very heart of the
+Royal Household; but we hope, for the honour of all parties, that
+the confinement of the Queen is not to be made a matter of
+political arrangement. If it is, we can only say that it will be
+most indecent, we might almost venture to say unbecoming; but our
+dislike to the use of strong language is well known, or at least it
+ought to be.</p>
+<p>If there are any other particulars, we shall give them in a
+second edition; that is to say, if we should have anything to add,
+and should think it worth while to publish another impression for
+the purpose of stating it.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL.&mdash;No. 10.</h3>
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>You talk of love&mdash;I would believe</p>
+<p class="i2">Thy words were truth;</p>
+<p>Nor deem that thou wouldst e&rsquo;er deceive</p>
+<p class="i2">My artless youth:</p>
+<p class="i4">But when we part,</p>
+<p class="i4">Within my heart</p>
+<p>A small voice whispers low&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i4">Beware! Beware!</p>
+<p class="i4">Fond girl, the snare!</p>
+<p>it&rsquo;s all no go!</p>
+</div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>You talk of love&mdash;yet would betray</p>
+<p class="i2">The heart you seek,</p>
+<p>And smile upon its slow decay,</p>
+<p class="i2">If &rsquo;twould not break.</p>
+<p class="i4">In vain you swear</p>
+<p class="i4">That I am fair,</p>
+<p>That heaven is on my lip!</p>
+<p class="i4">I know each vow</p>
+<p class="i4">Is worthless now;</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/017-09.png"><img src=
+"images/017-09.png" alt=
+"A couple embraces; the man points angrily at his lips." id=
+"img017-09" name="img017-09" width="70%" /></a>
+<p>YOU&rsquo;VE MISS&rsquo;D YOUR TIP.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>THE TWO NEW EQUITY JUDGES.</h3>
+<p>&ldquo;Between the two new Equity Courts, the suitors in
+Chancery will be much better off than formerly&rdquo;&mdash;said
+Fitzroy Kelly, lately, to an intimate. &ldquo;Undoubtedly,&rdquo;
+replied the friend, &ldquo;they may now choose between the
+frying-pan and the fire.&rdquo;</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>MR. PUNCH,</h3>
+<h4>ARTIST IN PHILOSOPHY AND FIREWORKS<sup>1</sup><span class=
+"sidenote" style="font-weight:normal;">1. Baylis.</span>,</h4>
+<h5>BEGS TO INFORM THE</h5>
+<h3>HOBBEDEHOYITY AND INFANTRY OF THE METROPOLIS AND THE WORLD IN
+GENERAL,</h3>
+<p>That, for the proper commemoration of the anniversary of the 5th
+of November, he <em>had</em> engaged the services of the
+following</p>
+<h3>EMINENT THAMESIAN INCENDIARIES.</h3>
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>SIR PETER LAURIE, to furnish materials for <em>squibs</em>.</p>
+<p>MR. ROEBUCK, for <em>flower-pots</em>, containing the beautiful
+figure of a <em>genealogical tree</em>.</p>
+<p>COLONEL SIBTHORP, for sky-rockets being constructed after his
+<em>own plan</em>; warranted to flare up at starting, and to come
+down&mdash;<em>a stick</em>.</p>
+<p>DANIEL O&rsquo;CONNELL, Esq., for the importation of Roman
+candles,</p>
+<p>MR. WAKLEY, SIR JAMES GRAHAM, LORD STANLEY, and SIR FRANCIS
+BURDETT, for Catherine-wheels, which are guaranteed to <em>turn
+round</em> with great celerity, and to exhibit <em>curious
+designs</em>.</p>
+<p>LORD MINTO, for <em>Chinese fire</em>, prepared from the recipes
+of his gallant relative, the Honourable Captain Elliot, which have
+been procured at an immense outlay.&mdash;(See next year&rsquo;s
+&ldquo;Budget.&rdquo;)</p>
+<p>The MARQUIS OF WATERFORD, the celebrated Purveyor to the Police
+Force in general, for the supply of <em>crackers</em>.</p>
+<p>MR. CHARLES PEARSON, for <em>port</em>-fires.</p>
+<p>SIR ROBERT PEEL, assisted by his CABINET, for a <em>golden
+rain</em>.</p>
+<p>*&lowast;* A large supply of these articles always on hand.
+Apply at Mr. P.&rsquo;s Office every Saturday.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>AN EXTRACT FROM THE SPECTATOR.</h3>
+<p>Carter, the lion-tamer, previous to his late exhibition, when
+the tiger broke loose, had given an order to an old acquaintance to
+come and witness his performance; by great good luck, he and the
+rest of the affrighted spectators effected their escape; but he was
+heard vehemently declaring he had been deceived in the most beastly
+manner, as he would not have come but that he supposed he was</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/017-10.png"><img src=
+"images/017-10.png" alt=
+"A man looks through a window at another man holding a woman on his lap."
+id="img017-10" name="img017-10" width="60%" /></a>
+<p>LOOKING IN UPON A FRIEND.</p>
+</div>
+<hr />
+<h3>SHIP NEWS.</h3>
+<p>Off Battersea Mills, in the reeds, <em>La Gitana</em> (wherry
+Z.9), Execution Dock, with loss of sculls; deserted. On nearing
+her, discovered the Master with his wooden leg in the mud, to which
+he had made fast the head-line, with his left leg over his right
+shoulder, high and dry.</p>
+<p>A boat, supposed to belong to the Union Aquatic Sons of Shop
+Walkers, was washed ashore on Hungerford Muds, with an old
+ribbon-box, apparently used for a sea-chest, containing wearing
+apparel, 1<em>s</em>. 8<em>d</em>. in fourpenny pieces, and sundry
+small pieces of paper, with &ldquo;Dry,&rdquo; sign of the
+&ldquo;Three Balls,&rdquo; printed thereon, and endorsed,
+&ldquo;Shawl, 3<em>s</em>. 6<em>d</em>., 30 remnants of ribbon
+7<em>s</em>. 6<em>d</em>., waistcoat satin, 1 yard 3<em>s</em>.
+6<em>d</em>.,&rdquo; &amp;c. &amp;c. The crew supposed to have
+abandoned her off the &ldquo;Swan,&rdquo; where they were seen in a
+state of beer.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>CAUSE AND EFFECT.</h3>
+<p>A great <em>fall</em> of chalk occurred at Mertsham on the
+Brighton Railway on last Thursday morning; a corresponding
+<em>fall</em> in milk took place in London on the following
+day.</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a id="page203" name="page203"></a>[pg
+203]</span>
+<h3>SHOULD THIS MEET THE EYE&mdash;</h3>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/017-11.png"><img src=
+"images/017-11.png" alt=
+"A man pushes a barrel marked 'Garden Engine' which is pouring liquid into a nearby woman's mouth."
+id="img017-11" name="img017-11" width="100%" /></a></div>
+<p>of Sir ROBERT PEEL, LORD STANLEY, or any of Her Majesty&rsquo;s
+Ministers, in want of an active cad, or light porter; the
+advertiser, a young man at present out of place, would be anxious
+to make himself generally useful, and is not particular in what
+capacity. Respectability not so great an object as a good salary.
+Application to be made to T. WAKLEY, at the Rad&rsquo;s Arms,
+<em>Turn&rsquo;em Green</em>.</p>
+<hr />
+<h3>HARD AND FAST.</h3>
+<p>That very slow coach, and would be &ldquo;faster,&rdquo; the
+licensed to-carry-no-thing-inside &ldquo;Bernard Cavannah,&rdquo;
+has been recently confined in a room, wherein he has lived upon the
+&ldquo;cameleon&rsquo;s dish,&rdquo; eating the
+air&mdash;&ldquo;jugged,&rdquo; we presume. Wakley declares he is
+an impostor; but as he has an interest in an inquest, and Bernard
+survives, this may be attributed to professional disappointment.
+Dr. Elliotson declares, from his own experience, any man can live
+upon nothing. The whole medical profession are getting to very high
+words; Anglice,&mdash;indulging in very low language. The
+fraternity of physicians, apothecaries, and surgeons, are growing
+so warm upon the living subject, that we may shortly expect to
+witness a beautiful tableau vivant of</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/017-12.png"><img src=
+"images/017-12.png" alt=
+"A man hits another man with a pail on his head." id="img017-12"
+name="img017-12" width="50%" /></a>
+<p>SURGERE IN ARMIS.</p>
+</div>
+<hr class="full" />
+<h2>PUNCH&rsquo;S THEATRE.</h2>
+<h3>MISS ADELAIDE KEMBLE.</h3>
+<p>Let every amateur, professor, and enthusiastic raver concerning
+&ldquo;native talent&rdquo; go down on his knees, and, after the
+manner of the ancient heathen, return thanksgiving unto Apollo for
+having at last sent us a singer who knows her business! One who can
+sing as if she had a soul; who can act as if she were not acting,
+but existing amidst reality; who is, in short, a performer entirely
+new to the British stage; to whom we have not a parallel example to
+produce,&mdash;a heroine of the lyric drama.</p>
+<p>Such, in the most exalted sense of the term, is Miss Adelaide
+Kemble. Unlike nearly every other English singer, she has not set
+up with the small stock-in-trade of a good voice, and learned
+singing on the stage; making the public pay for her tuition. On the
+contrary, nature has manifestly not been bountiful to her in this
+respect. Her voice&mdash;the mere organ&mdash;may have been in her
+earlier years exceeded in quality by many other vocalists. But what
+is it now? Perfect in intonation; its lower tones forcible; the
+middle voice firm and full; the upper interval sweet and rich
+beyond comparison.</p>
+<p>But how comes this? How has this moderately-good organ been
+brought to such perfection? By a process not very prevalent amongst
+English singers&mdash;practice the most constant, study the most
+unwearied. Punch will bet a wager with any sporting dilettante that
+Miss Kemble has sung <em>more</em> while learning her art, than
+many old stagers while professing and practising it.</p>
+<p>She seems, then,&mdash;as far as one may judge of that kind of
+perfection&mdash;a perfect mistress of her voice; she can do what
+she likes with it, she can sustain a note in any part of the
+soprano compass&mdash;swell, diminish, and keep it exactly to the
+same pitch for an incredible space of time. She can burst forth a
+torrent of sound expressive of our strongest passions, without
+losing an atom of tone, and she can diminish it to a whisper, in
+<em>sotto voce</em>, as distinct as it is thrilling and true
+intonation.</p>
+<p>Having obtained this vocal mastery, she has unfettered energies
+to devote to her acting; which, in <em>Norma</em>, has all the
+elements of tragic dignity&mdash;all the tenderness of natural
+feeling. In one word, Miss Kemble is a mistress of every branch of
+her art; and we can now say, what we have so seldom had an
+opportunity to boast of, that our English stage possesses a singer
+who is also an actress and musician!</p>
+<p>The opera is excellently put upon the stage. Miss Kemble, or
+somebody else, electrified the choruses; for, wonderful to relate,
+they condescended to act&mdash;to perform&mdash;to pretend to be
+what they are meant for! Never was so efficient, so
+well-disciplined, so unanimous a chorus heard or seen before on the
+English stage. The chorus-master deserves everybody&rsquo;s, and
+has our own, especial commendations.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<h3>NINA SFORZA.</h3>
+<p>A new melo-drama in five acts, by a gentleman who rejoices in
+exactly the same number of titles&mdash;namely, &ldquo;R. Zouch S.
+Troughton, Esquire&rdquo;&mdash;made its appearance for Miss H.
+Fancit&rsquo;s benefit on Monday last, at the Haymarket.</p>
+<p>The old-fashioned recipe for cooking up a melo-dramatic hero has
+been strictly followed in &ldquo;Nina Sforza.&rdquo; <em>Raphael
+Doria</em>, the heir-apparent to the dukedom of Genoa, is a man
+about town in Venice&mdash;is accompanied, on most occasions, by a
+faithful friend and a false one&mdash;saves the heroine from
+drowning, and, of course, falls in love with her on the spot, or
+rather on the water. She, of course, returns the passion; but is,
+as usual, loved by the villain&mdash;a regular thorough-paced
+Mephistopheles of the Surrey or Sadler&rsquo;s Wells genus. These
+ingredients, having been carefully compounded in the first act,
+are&mdash;quite <em>selon les r&egrave;gles</em>&mdash;allowed to
+simmer till the end of the fourth, and to boil over in the fifth.
+Thus we have a tragedy after the manner of those lively productions
+that flourished in the time of Garrick; when Young, Murphy, and
+Francklin were Melpomene&rsquo;s head-cooks.</p>
+<p>Modern innovation has, however, added a sprinkle of spice to the
+hashes of the above-named school. This is most commonly thrown in,
+by giving to the stock-villain a dash of humour or sarcasm, so as
+to bring out his savagery in bolder relief. He is also invested
+with an unaccountable influence over the hero, who can on no
+account be made to see his bare and open treachery till about the
+middle of the fifth act, when the dupe&rsquo;s eyes must be opened
+in time for the catastrophe.</p>
+<p>These improvements have been carefully introduced into the
+present old new tragedy. <em>Ugone Spinola</em> is the presiding
+genius of <em>Doria&rsquo;s</em> woes: and dogs him about for the
+pleasure of making him miserable. He is a finished epicure in
+revenge; picking little tit-bits of it with the most savage
+<em>g&ocirc;ut</em> all through; but particularly towards the end
+of the play. This taste was, it seems, first acquired in
+consequence of a feud that formerly existed between
+<em>Doria&rsquo;s</em> family and his own, in which his side came
+off so decidedly second-best, that he only remains of his race; all
+the rest having been murdered by <em>Doria</em> and his
+father&rsquo;s faction. From such deadly foes, it may be observed,
+that tragic heroes always select their most trusted friends.</p>
+<p><em>Doria&rsquo;s</em> father dies, and <em>Nina&rsquo;s</em>
+consents to his marriage; so that we see them, at the opening of
+the third act, the picture of connubial bliss, in a garden
+belonging to the Duke&rsquo;s palace at Genoa, exchanging
+sentiments which would be doubtless extremely tender if they were
+quite intelligible. A great deal is said about genius being like
+love; which gives rise to a simile touching a rose-bud in a poor
+poet&rsquo;s window, and other incoherencies quite natural for
+persons to utter who are supposed to be in love. This peaceful
+scene is interrupted by an alarm of war; and the Prince goes to
+fight the Florentines.</p>
+<p>The battle takes place between the acts; and we next see the
+Genoese halting near their city after a victory. <em>Doria</em>,
+who in the first act has been represented to us as an exceedingly
+gay young fellow, is here described as indulging, in his tent, his
+old propensities; having brought away, with other trophies, a fair
+Florentine, who is diverting him with her guitar at that moment.
+This is excellent news for <em>Spinola</em>; the more so as we are
+soon made to understand that <em>Nina</em>, being impatient of her
+husband&rsquo;s return, has fled to his tent to meet him, and
+discovers the fair Florentine in the very act of guitar-playing,
+and her spouse in the midst of his raptures thereat.</p>
+<p>A scene follows, in which <em>Spinola</em>, as a new edition of
+Iago, and <em>Nina</em>, in the form of a female Othello, get scope
+for a great variety of that kind of acting which performers call
+&ldquo;effective.&rdquo; The wife&mdash;in this scene really
+well-drawn&mdash;will not believe Doria&rsquo;s falsehood, in spite
+of strong <span class="pagenum"><a id="page204" name=
+"page204"></a>[pg 204]</span>circumstantial evidence.
+<em>Spinola</em> offers to strengthen it; and the last scene of
+this act&mdash;the fourth&mdash;presents a highly melo-dramatic
+situation. It is a street scene; and <em>Spinola</em> has brought
+<em>Nina</em> to watch her husband into her rival&rsquo;s house.
+She sees him approach it&mdash;he wavers&mdash;she hopes he will
+pass the door. Alas, he does not, and actually goes in! Of course
+she swoons and falls. So does the act drop.</p>
+<p>The entire business of the last act is to bring about the
+catastrophe; and, as not one step towards it has been previously
+taken, there is no time to lose. <em>Spinola</em>, therefore, is
+made not to mince the matter, but to come boldly on at once, with a
+bottle of poison! This he blandly insinuates to <em>Nina</em> might
+be used with great effect upon her husband, so as effectually to
+put a stop to future intrigues with any forthcoming fair
+Florentines. She, however, declines putting the poison to any such
+use; but, nevertheless, honours <em>Spinola</em>&rsquo;s draught,
+by accepting it. The villain expresses himself extremely grateful
+for her condescension, and exits, to make way for
+<em>Doria</em>.</p>
+<p>Directly he appears, you at once perceive that he has done
+something exceedingly naughty, for his countenance is covered with
+remorse and a certain white powder which is the stage specific for
+pallor. The lady complains of being unwell, and her husband kindly
+advises her to go to bed. She replies, that she has a cordial
+within which will soon restore her, and entreats her beloved lord
+to administer the potion with his own dear hand; he
+consents&mdash;and they both retire, and the audience shudders,
+because they pretty well guess that she is going to toss off the
+dose, of which <em>Spinola</em> has been the dispensing
+chemist.</p>
+<p>And here we may be forgiven for a short digression on the
+subject of the dramatic <em>Materia Medica</em>, and
+<em>poison-ology</em>. The sleeping draughts of the stage are, for
+example, generally speaking, uncommon specimens of chemical
+perfection. When taken&mdash;even if the patient be ever so well
+shaken&mdash;nothing on earth, or on the stage, can wake him after
+the cue for his going to sleep, and before the cue for his getting
+up, have been given; while it never allows him to dose an instant
+longer than the plot of the piece requires. Then as to poisons;
+there are some which kill the taker dead on the spot, like a fly in
+a bottle of prussic acid; others, which&mdash;swallowed with a sort
+of time-bargain&mdash;are warranted to do the business within a few
+seconds of so many hours hence; others again there are
+(particularly adapted for villains) that cause the most incessant
+torment, which nothing can relieve but death; a fourth compound
+(always administered to such characters as <em>Nina Sforza</em>)
+are peculiarly mild in their operation&mdash;no
+stomach-ache&mdash;no contortions&mdash;but still effectual.</p>
+<p>The contents of the phial given to <em>Nina</em> by
+<em>Spinola</em> are compounded of the second and fourth of these
+<em>formul&aelig;</em>. The drink, though deadly, is guaranteed to
+be a mild, rather-pleasant-than-otherwise poison, warranted to
+operate at a given hour; one calculated to allow the heroine plenty
+of time to die, and to make her go off in great physical
+comfort.</p>
+<p><em>Nina</em> has taken the poison; but, having a peculiar
+desire to die at home, orders a &ldquo;trusty page&rdquo; to
+provide horses for herself and attendant secretly, at the northern
+gate, that she may return to her native Venice. With this
+determination we lose sight of her.</p>
+<p><em>Doria</em> is aroused by a hunting-party who have risen so
+early that they seem to have forgotten to take off their nightcaps,
+to which the Italian hood, as worn by the Haymarket hunters, bears
+an obstinate resemblance. The Prince discovers his wife has fled,
+and orders his <em>chasseurs</em> to divert their attention from
+the game they had purposed to ride to cover for, and to hunt up the
+missing <em>Nina</em>.</p>
+<p>&ldquo;In the deep recesses of a wood&rdquo; <em>Spinola</em>
+and <em>Doria</em> meet, the latter having, by some instinct, found
+out his <em>pseudo</em>-friend&rsquo;s treachery; of course they
+fight: <em>Doria</em> falls; but <em>Spinola</em> is too great a
+glutton in revenge to kill him till he knows of his wife&rsquo;s
+death, so, after gloating over his prostrate enemy, and poking him
+about with his rapier for several minutes, all he does is to steal
+his sword; this being found upon him by some of the hunters, who
+meet him quite by accident, they suppose he has killed
+<em>Doria</em>, and so kill him. Thus, <em>Spinola</em> being
+disposed of, there are only two more that are left to die.</p>
+<p>In her flight <em>Nina</em> has been taken unwell&mdash;with the
+poison&mdash;just in that part of the forest where her spouse is
+left, by his enemy, in a swoon. They meet, and she dies in his
+arms. Two being now defunct, only one remains; but there is some
+difficulty in getting rid of <em>Doria</em>, for he is (as is
+always the case when a stage <em>felo-de-se</em> impends)
+unprovided with a weapon. Going up to his trusty friend
+<em>D&rsquo;Estala</em>, he engages him in talk, and, with the
+dexterity of a footpad, steals his dagger, and stabs himself. All
+the principal characters being now dead, the piece cannot go on,
+and the curtain drops.</p>
+<p>A word or two on the merits of <em>Nina Sforza</em>. There are
+two classes of dramatists who are just now contending for
+fame&mdash;those who cannot get their plays acted because they are
+not dramatic, and those who can, because their pieces are
+<em>merely</em> dramatic. Mr.&mdash;we beg pardon, R. Zouch S.
+Troughton, Esquire,&mdash;belongs to the latter class. He is
+evidently well acquainted with the mechanics of the stage; he knows
+all about &ldquo;situation&rdquo;&mdash;that is, sacrificing nature
+to startling effect. His language is essentially dramatic, and only
+fails where it aims at being poetical. His characters, too, are not
+drawn from life, from nature, but are copied&mdash;and cleverly
+copied&mdash;from other characters that strut about in the
+&ldquo;stock&rdquo; tragedies of Rowe <em>et hoc genus</em>. The
+fable, or plot, is deficient, from the absence of one sustaining,
+pervading incident to excite, and keep up a progressive interest.
+With every new act a new circumstance arises, which, though it is
+in some instances (especially in the fourth act) conducted with
+great skill, yet the interest it produces is not sustained, being
+made to give place to the author&rsquo;s succeeding effort to get
+up a new &ldquo;situation&rdquo; by a new incident. Though the
+tragedy possesses little originality, it will, from its
+melo-dramatic and exciting character, be most likely a very
+successful one. Besides, it is very well acted, by Miss Faucit,
+Wallack, and Macready, as <em>Spinola</em>; which, being a most
+unnatural character, is well calculated for so conventional an
+actor as Macready.</p>
+<p>The author will doubtless become a successful dramatist, because
+he has taken the trouble to learn what is proper for, and effective
+on, the stage. Having gained that acquirement, if he will now study
+nature, and put men and women upon the stage that act and speak
+like real mortals, we may safely predict an honourable dramatic
+career for Mr. &mdash;&mdash;; but our space is limited, and we
+can&rsquo;t afford enough of it to print his names a third
+time.</p>
+<hr class="short" />
+<h3>THE QUADROON SLAVE.</h3>
+<p>A new discussion of the Slave question seems to have been much
+wanted on the stage. It is, alas, the black truth that &ldquo;The
+Slave&rdquo; <em>par excellence</em>, in spite of the brothers
+<em>Sharpset</em> and Bishop&rsquo;s music, ceases to interest. The
+woes of &ldquo;Gambia&rdquo; have been turned into ridicule by the
+capers of &ldquo;Jim Crow,&rdquo; and the twin pleasantries of
+&ldquo;Jim along Josey.&rdquo; Since the moral British public gave
+away twenty millions to emancipate the black population, and to
+raise the price of brown sugars, they are not nearly so sweet upon
+the niggers as formerly; for they discover that, now C&aelig;sar
+being &ldquo;massa-pated, him no work&mdash;dam if he
+do!&rdquo;</p>
+<p>To meet this dramatic exigency, the &ldquo;Quadroon Slave&rdquo;
+has been produced. It may be classed as an argumentative drama;
+carried on with that stage logic which always makes the heroine get
+the best of it. The emancipation side of the question is supported
+by <em>Julie</em>, ably backed by <em>Vincent St. George</em>, but
+opposed by <em>Alfred Pelham</em>; and the lingual combatants rush
+<em>in medias res</em> at the very rising of the curtain&mdash;the
+&ldquo;house,&rdquo; immediately taking sides, vehemently
+applauding the arguments of their respective favourites.
+<em>Vincent St. George</em>&mdash;ably entrusted to that
+interesting advocate Mr. J. Webster&mdash;opened the discussion by
+protesting against the flogging system, especially as applied to
+females. <em>Alfred Pelham</em> answered him; the reply being taken
+up by the heroine <em>Julie</em> in broken French, because she is
+personated by Madlle. Celeste. The state of parties as here
+developed turns out to be curious. The heroine, a quadroon, is on
+the point of matrimonial union with her antagonist, and openly
+resents the tender advances of her ally. &ldquo;Call ye this
+backing of your friends?&rdquo; <em>Vincent St. George</em>,
+disgusted at such gross tergiversation, flies entirely away from
+the point at issue, and applies those remarks to <em>Julie</em>
+which all disappointed lovers seem to be bound to utter in such
+cases. Indeed, on the re-appearance of his rival, he challenges
+him&mdash;unblushingly forsaking every branch of the main point, by
+engaging in a long and not very lively discourse on the subject of
+duelling; amidst, however, impatient cries of
+&ldquo;question!&rdquo; &ldquo;question!&rdquo; from the
+audience.</p>
+<p>This brings <em>Vincent</em> back to the point, and with a
+vengeance! Like a great many other orators on the liberal side of
+the black question, he is a slave-owner himself, having&mdash;as
+his &ldquo;attorney&rdquo; <em>Vipper</em> is careful to tell
+us&mdash;no fewer than two hundred and eight of those animals. Now,
+before he took upon himself to become an emancipationist, he
+might&mdash;one cannot help thinking&mdash;have had the
+decency&mdash;<em>like Saint Fowell Buxton</em>&mdash;to
+<em>sell</em> his slaves to somebody else, and to come into court
+with clean hands. But so far from doing so, <em>Vipper</em> having
+discovered that <em>Julie</em> is a run-away slave from
+<em>Vincent&rsquo;s</em> estate, just as she is ending the first
+act by going to be married, the latter takes the whole of the
+second act to claim her!</p>
+<p>Though the argufiers change sides on account of the change of
+affairs&mdash;<em>Vincent</em> insisting, as <em>liberals</em> so
+often do, upon his vested rights in <em>Julie</em> as opposed to
+<em>Pelham&rsquo;s</em> matrimonial ones&mdash;though the heroine
+renders her pathetics affecting by a prostration or two before the
+rivals&mdash;though she rushes upon a parapet to commit
+suicide&mdash;though she is saved, and at length succeeds by force
+of mere argument to get her new-found master to give her up to her
+husband; yet this second act was somewhat dull; insomuch that the
+audience did not seem to regret when the curtain dropped the
+subject, and announced their own emancipation from the theatre.</p>
+<p>Besides the parts we have named, Webster the elder played a
+<em>Telemachus Hearty</em>, who, further than skipping about the
+stage, talking very fast, and making himself not altogether
+disagreeable, had no more to do with the piece than his namesake,
+or F&eacute;n&eacute;lon Archbishop of Cambray himself.</p>
+<p>This attempt to discuss moot points upon the stage&mdash;to turn
+as it were the theatre into a debating society&mdash;will certainly
+not succeed. Audiences&mdash;especially Haymarket ones&mdash;have a
+taste for being amused rather than reasoned with; besides, those on
+that side of the question which the author chooses shall be the
+weaker, do not like to see the stage-orators get the upper hand,
+without having a chance of answering them. Even dancing is
+preferred by them to didactics, though it be</p>
+<div class="figcenter"><a href="images/017-13.png"><img src=
+"images/017-13.png" alt="A minstrel conducts a dog's barking." id=
+"img017-13" name="img017-13" width="50%" /></a>
+<p>A PAS SEUL TO A BARK-AROLE.</p>
+</div>
+<hr class="full" />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+1, November 6, 1841,, by Various
+
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+</pre>
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+</body>
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1,
+November 6, 1841,, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 1, November 6, 1841,
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: February 7, 2005 [EBook #14935]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Syamanta Saikia, Jon Ingram, Barbara Tozier and the PG
+Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 1.
+
+
+
+FOR THE WEEK ENDING NOVEMBER 6, 1841.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A DAY-DREAM AT MY UNCLE'S.
+
+The result of a serious conversation between the authors of my being ended
+in the resolution that it was high time for me to begin the world, and do
+something for myself. The only difficult problem left for them to solve
+was, in what way I had better commence. One would have thought the world
+had nothing in its whole construction but futile beginnings and most
+unsatisfactory methods of doing for one's self. Scheme after scheme was
+discussed and discarded; new plans were hot-beds for new doubts; and
+impossibilities seemed to overwhelm every succeeding though successless
+suggestion. At the critical moment when it appeared perfectly clear to me
+either that I was fit for nothing or nothing was fit for me, the
+authoritative "rat-tat" of the general postman closed the argument, and
+for a brief space distracted the intense contemplations of my bewildered
+parents.
+
+"Good gracious!" "Well, I never!" "Who'd ha' thought it?" and various
+other disjointed mutterings escaped my father, forming a sort of running
+commentary upon the document under his perusal. Having duly devoured the
+contents, he spread the sheet of paper carefully out, re-wiped his
+spectacles, and again commenced the former all-engrossing subject.
+
+"Tom, my boy, you are all right, and this will do for you. Here's a letter
+from your uncle Ticket."
+
+I nodded in silence.
+
+"Yes, sir," continued my father, with increasing emphasis and peculiar
+dignity, "Ticket--the great Ticket--the greatest"--
+
+"Pawnbroker in London," said I, finishing the sentence.
+
+"Yes, sir, he is; and what of that?"
+
+"Nothing further; I don't much like the trade, but"--
+
+"But he's your uncle, sir. It's a glorious money-making business. He
+offers to take you as an apprentice. Nancy, my love, pack up this lad's
+things, and start him off by the mail to-morrow. Go to bed, Tom."
+
+So the die was cast! The mail was punctual; and I was duly delivered to
+Ticket--the great Ticket--my maternal, and everybody else's undefinable,
+uncle. Duly equipped in glazed calico sleeves, and ditto apron, I took my
+place behind the counter. But as it was discovered that I had a peculiar
+_penchant_ for giving ten shillings in exchange for gilt sixpences, and
+encouraging all sorts of smashing by receiving counterfeit crowns,
+half-crowns, and shillings, I received a box on the ear, and a positive
+command to confine myself to the up-stairs, or "top-of-the-spout
+department" for the future. Here my chief duties were to deposit such
+articles as progressed up that wooden shaft in their respective places,
+and by the same means transmit the "redeemed" to the shop below. This was
+but dull work, and in the long dreary evenings, when partial darkness (for
+I was allowed no candle) seemed to invite sleep, I frequently fell into a
+foggy sort of mystified somnolency--the partial prostration of my
+corporeal powers being amply compensated by the vague wanderings of
+indistinct imagination.
+
+In these dozing moods some of the parcels round me would appear not only
+imbued with life, but, like the fabled animals of AEsop, blessed with the
+gift of tongues. Others, though speechless, would conjure up a vivid train
+of breathing tableaux, replete with their sad histories. That tiny relic,
+half the size of the small card it is pinned upon, swells like the
+imprisoned genie the fisherman released from years of bondage, and the
+shadowy vapour takes once more a form. From the small circle of that
+wedding ring, the tear-fraught widow and the pallid orphan, closely dogged
+by Famine and Disease, spring to my sight. That brilliant tiara opens the
+vista of the rich saloon, and shows the humbled pride of the titled
+hostess, lying excuses for her absent gems. The flash contents of that
+bright yellow handkerchief shade forth the felon's bar; the daring burglar
+eyeing with confidence the counsel learned in the law's defects, fee'd by
+its produce to defend its quondam owner. The effigies of Pride,
+Extravagance, honest Distress, and reckless Plunder, all by turns usurp
+the scene. In my last waking sleep, just as I had composed myself in
+delicious indolence, a parcel fell with more than ordinary force on one
+beneath. These were two of my talking friends. I stirred not, but sat
+silently to listen to their curious conversation, which I now proceed to
+give verbatim.
+
+_Parcel fallen upon_.--"What the d--l are you?"
+
+_Parcel that fell_.--"That's my business."
+
+"Is it? I rather think its mine, though. Why don't you look where you're
+going?"
+
+"How can I see through three brown papers and a rusty black silk
+handkerchief?"
+
+"Ain't there a hole in any of 'em?"
+
+"No."
+
+"That's a pity; but when you've been here as long as I have, the moths
+will help you a bit."
+
+"Will they?"
+
+"Certainly."
+
+"I hope not."
+
+"Hope if you like; but you'll find I'm right."
+
+"I trust I didn't hurt you much."
+
+"Not very. Bless you, I'm pretty well used to ill-treatment now. You've
+only rubbed the pile of my collar the wrong way, just as that awkward
+black rascal would brush me."
+
+"Bless me! I think I know your voice."
+
+"Somehow, I think I know yours."
+
+"You ain't Colonel Tomkins, are you?"
+
+"No."
+
+"Nor Count Castor?"
+
+"No."
+
+"Then I'm in error."
+
+"No you're not. I was the Colonel once; then I became the Count by way of
+loan; and then I came here--as he said by mistake."
+
+"Why, my dear fellow, I'm delighted to speak to you. How did you wear?"
+
+"So-so."
+
+"When I first saw you, I thought you the handsomest Petersham in town.
+Your velvet collar, cuffs, and side-pockets, were superb; and when you
+were the Colonel, upon my life you were the sweetest cut thing about the
+waist and tails I ever walked with."
+
+"You flatter me."
+
+"Upon my honour, no."
+
+"Well, I can return the compliment; for a blue, with chased buttons and
+silk lining, you beat anything I ever had the honour of meeting. But I
+suppose, as you are here, you are not the Cornet now?"
+
+"Alas! no."
+
+"May I ask why?"
+
+"Certainly. His scoundrel of a valet disgraced his master's cloth and me
+at the same time. The villain went to the Lowther Arcade--took me with him
+by force. Fancy my agony; literally accessory to handing ices to
+milliners' apprentices and staymakers; and when the wretch commenced
+quadrilling it, he dos-a-dos'd me up against a fat soap-boiler's wife, in
+filthy three-turned-and-dyed common satin."
+
+"Scoundrel!"
+
+"Rascal! But he was discovered--he reeled home drunk. _I_, that is, as
+it's known, _we_ make the men. The Cornet saw him, and thrashed him
+soundly with a three-foot Crowther."
+
+"That must have been delightful to your feelings."
+
+"Not very."
+
+"Why not? revenge is sweet."
+
+"So it is; but as the Cornet forgot to order him to take me off, I got the
+worst of the drubbing. I was dreadfully cut about. Two buttons fearfully
+lacerated--nothing but the shanks left."
+
+"How did it end?"
+
+"The valet mentioned something about wages and assault warrants, so I was
+given to him to make the matter up. Between you and I, the Cornet was very
+hard up."
+
+"Indeed!"
+
+"Certain of it. You remember the French-grey trousers we used to walk out
+with--those he strapped so tight over the remarkably chatty and pleasant
+French-polished boots whose broken English we used to admire so much?"
+
+"Of course I do; they were the most charming greys I ever met. They beat
+the plaids into fits; and the plaids were far from ungentlemanly, only
+they would always talk with a sham Scotch accent, and quote the 'Cotter's
+Saturday Night.'"
+
+"Certainly that was a drawback. But to return to our friends, and the
+Cornet's friends, they must have been bad, for those very greys were
+seated."
+
+"Impossible!"
+
+"Fact, I assure you. My tails were pinned over the patch for three weeks."
+
+"How did they bear it?"
+
+"Shockingly. A general break up of the constitution--went all to pieces.
+First, decay appeared in the brace buttons; then the straps got out of
+order. They did say it was owing to the heels of the French-polished boots
+going down on one side, but the boots would never admit it."
+
+"How did you get here?"
+
+"I came from the Bench for eggs and bacon for the Cornet and his Valet's
+breakfast! What brought you?"
+
+"The Count's landlady, for a week's rent."
+
+"What did you fetch?"
+
+"A guinea!"
+
+"Bless me, you must have worn well."
+
+"No; hold your tongue--I think I shall die with laughing,--ha! ha!--When
+they took me in, I returned the compliment. I've been--"
+
+"What?"
+
+"Cuffed and collared!"
+
+"Ha! ha! ha! ha!" shouted both coats; and "Ha! ha!" shouted I; "And I'll
+teach you to 'ha! ha!' and neglect your business" shouted the Governor;
+and the reality of a stunning box on the ear dispelled the illusion of my
+"Day-dream at my Uncle's."
+
+FUSBOS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"BLOW GENTLE BREEZE."
+
+The Reverend Henry _Snow_, M.A., has been inducted by the Bishop of
+Gloucester, to the Vicarage of Sherborne cum _Windrush_.
+
+  From Glo'ster _see_, a _windrush_ came, and lo!
+  On Sherborne Vicarage it drifted _Snow_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE HEIR OF APPLEBITE.
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII.
+
+SHOWS WHAT'S AFTER A PARTY, AND WHAT'S IN A NAME.
+
+
+[Illustration: U]Undoubtedly on the following day 24 Pleasant-terrace was
+the most uncomfortable place in the universe. Some one has said that
+wherever Pleasure is, Pain is certain not to be far off; and the truth of
+the allegory is never better exemplified than on the day after "a most
+delightful party." We can only compare it to the morning succeeding a
+victory by which the conqueror has gained a great deal of glory at a very
+considerable expenditure of _materiel_. Let us accompany the mistress of
+the house as she proceeds from room to room, to ascertain the damage done
+by the enemy upon the furniture and decorations. A light damask curtain is
+found to have been saturated with port wine; a ditto chair-cushion has
+been doing duty as a dripping-pan to a cluster of wax-lights; a china
+shepherdess, having been brought into violent collision with the tail of a
+raging lion on the mantel-piece, has reduced the noble beast to the
+short-cut condition of a Scotch colley. A broken candle has perversely
+fallen the only way in which it could have done any damage, and has thrown
+the quicksilver on the back of a large looking-glass into an alarming
+state of eruption. The return of "cracked and broken" presents a fearful
+list of smashage and fracture: _the best_ tea-set is rendered unfit for
+active service, being minus two saucers, a cup-handle, and a milk-jug; the
+green and gold dessert-plates have been frightfully reduced in numbers;
+two fiddle-handle spoons are completely _hors de combat_, having been
+placed under the legs of the supper-table to keep it steady; seven
+straw-stemmed wine-glasses awfully shattered during the
+"three-times-three" discharge in honour of the toast of the Heir of
+Applebites; four cut tumblers injured past recovery in a fit of
+"entusymusy" by four young gentlemen who were accidentally left by
+themselves in the supper-room; eighteen silver-plated dessert-knives
+reduced to the character of saws, by a similar number of "nice fellows"
+who were endeavouring to do the agreeable with the champagne, and
+consequently could distinguish no difference between wire and
+grape-stalks. The destruction in the kitchen had been equally great: the
+extra waiter had placed his heel on a ham-sandwich, and, consequently, sat
+down rather hurriedly on the floor with a large tray of sundries in his
+lap, the result of which was, according to the following
+
+    OFFICIAL RETURN,
+
+    Two decanters         starred;
+    One salt-cellar       smithereened;
+    Four tumblers         cracked uncommonly;
+    An extra waiter       many bruises, and fractured pantaloons.
+
+The day after a party is certain to be a sloppy day; and as the
+street-door is constantly being opened and shut, a raw, rheumatical wind
+is ever in active operation. Both these miseries were consequent upon the
+Applebite festivities, and Agamemnon saw a series of catarrhs enter the
+house as the rout-stools made their exit. He was quite right; for the next
+fortnight neck-of-mutton broth was the standard bill of fare, only varied
+by tea, gruel, and toast-and-water.
+
+There is no evil without its attendant good; and the temporary
+imprisonment of the Applebite family induced them to consider the
+propriety of naming the infant heir, for hitherto he had been called "the
+cherub," "the sweet one," "the mother's duck of the world," and "daddy's
+darling." Several names had been suggested by the several friends and
+relatives of the family, but nothing decisive had been agreed to.
+
+Agamemnon wished his heir to be called Isaac, after his grandfather, the
+member for Puddingbury, "in the hope," as he expressed himself, "that he
+might in after years be stimulated to emulate the distinguished talents
+and virtues of his great ancestor." (Overruled by Mrs. Waddledot, Mrs.
+Applebite, and the rest of the ladies. Isaac declared vulgar, except in
+the case of the member for Puddingbury.)
+
+Mrs. Waddledot was anxious that the boy should be christened Roger de
+Dickey, after her mother's great progenitor, who was said to have come
+over with William the Conqueror, but whether in the capacity of a lacquey
+or a lord-in-waiting was never, and perhaps never will be, determined.
+(Opposed by Agamemnon, on the ground that ill-natured people would be sure
+to dispense with the De, and his heir would be designated as Roger Dickey.
+In this opinion Mrs. Applebite concurred.)
+
+The lady-mother was still more perplexing; she proposed that he should be
+called--
+
+ALBERT (we give her own reasons)--because the Queen's husband was so
+named.
+
+AGAMEMNON--because of the alliteration and his papa.
+
+DAVIS--because an old maiden lady who was independent had said that she
+thought it a good name for a boy, as her own was Davis.
+
+MONTAGUE--because it was a nice-sounding name, and the one she intended to
+address him by in general conversation.
+
+COLLUMPSION--as her papa.
+
+PHIPPS--because she had had a dream in which a number of bags or gold were
+marked P.H.I.P.P.S.; and
+
+APPLEBITE--as a matter of course.
+
+(Objected to by Mrs. Waddledot, for--nothing in particular, and by
+Agamemnon on the score of economy. The heir being certain to employ a
+lawyer, would be certain to pay an enormous interest in that way alone.)
+
+Friends were consulted, but without any satisfactory result; and at length
+it was agreed that the names should be written upon strips of paper and
+drawn by the nominees. The necessary arrangements being completed, the
+three proceeded to the ballot.
+
+    Mrs. Waddledot  drew  Isaac.
+    Agamemnon       drew  Roger de Dickey.
+    Mrs. Applebite  drew  Phipps.
+
+As a matter of course everybody was dissatisfied; but with a "stern
+virtue" everybody kept it to themselves, and the heir was accordingly
+christened Isaac Roger de Dickey Phipps Applebite.
+
+Old John soon realised Agamemnon's fears of Mrs. Waddledot's selection,
+for, whether the patronym of the Norman invader was more in accordance
+with his own ideas of propriety, or was more readily suggestive to his
+mind of the infant heir, he was continually speaking of little master
+Dicky; and upon being remonstrated with upon the subject promised
+amendment for the future. All, however, was of no use, for John jumbled
+the Phipps, the Roger, the Dickey, and the De together, but always
+contriving most perversely to
+
+[Illustration: "PUT THE CART BEFORE THE HORSE."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+A SCANDALOUS REPORT.
+
+We are requested to contradict, by authority, the report that Colonel
+Sibthorp was the Guy Fawkes seen in Parliament-street. It is true that a
+deputation waited upon him to solicit him to take the chair on the 5th of
+November, but the gallant Colonel modestly declined, much to the
+disappointment of the young gentlemen who presented the requisition; so
+much so indeed, that, after exhausting their oratorical powers, they
+slightly hinted at having recourse to
+
+[Illustration: PHYSICAL FORCE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"ROB ME THE EXCHEQUER, HAL."
+
+  No wonder Smith Exchequer Bills,
+  Should have a _taste_ for gorging,
+  For since the work the pocket fills,
+  What _Smith_'s averse to _forging_?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE FIRE AT THE TOWER.
+
+This is a sad business, there is no doubt, and the excitement which
+prevailed may probably excuse the eccentricities that occurred, and to
+which we beg leave to call the public attention.
+
+In the first place, by way of ensuring the safety of the property,
+precautions were taken to shut out every one from the building; and as
+military rule knows of no exception, the orders given were executed to the
+letter by preventing the ingress of the firemen with their engines until
+the general order of exclusion was followed by a countermand. This of
+course took time, leaving the fire to devour at its leisure the enormous
+meal that fate had prepared for it.
+
+After the admission of the firemen there was the usual mishap of no water
+where it could be got at, but an abundant supply where there was no
+possibility of reaching it. The tanks which the hose could be got into
+were almost dry, while the Thames was in the most provoking way almost
+overflowing its banks in the very neighbourhood of the fire; and yet, if
+the pipes were laid on to the water, they were laid off too far from the
+building to have the least effect upon it.
+
+The next eccentricity consisted in the sudden idea that suggested itself
+to somebody, that all energy should be devoted to saving the jewels, which
+were not in the smallest danger, and even if they had been, there was
+nobody knew how to get at them, the key being some miles off in the
+possession of the Lord Chamberlain. It might as well have been at the
+bottom of the Thames; and, of course, everybody began tugging at the iron
+bars, which were at length forced, and the jewels were, at a great cost of
+time and trouble, removed _to a place of safety_ from _a position of the
+most perfect security!!_ However, this showed activity if nothing else,
+and of course made the subject of paragraphs about "presence of mind,"
+"indefatigable exertions," and "superhuman efforts" on the part of certain
+persons who, for the good they were doing, might just as well have been
+carrying the piece of artillery in St. James's Park into the enclosure
+opposite.
+
+While the jewels were being hurried from one part of the Tower, where they
+were quite safe, to another where they were not more so, it never occurred
+to any one to rescue from danger the arms, which were being quietly
+consumed, while the crown and regalia were being jolted about with the
+most injurious activity.
+
+The treatment of some of the reporters was another curious point of this
+melancholy business; and a gentleman from a weekly journal, on applying at
+head-quarters, found his own head suddenly quartered by a blow from a
+musket. This was rather unceremonious treatment on the part of the
+privates of the line to a person who is also
+
+[Illustration: ATTACHED TO THE LINE.]
+
+--the penny-a-line we mean; but with a true _gusto_ for accidents, and a
+relish for calamities, which nothing could subdue, he still pressed
+forward, with blood streaming from his fractured skull, for additional
+particulars. The American reporter whose hand was blown off, and had the
+good fortune to be upon the spot, is not to be compared with the hero who
+had the exclusive advantage of being able to supply practical information
+of the ruffianly conduct pursued by the soldiery.
+
+It is not stated whether the fire-escape was on the spot; but as no one
+lived in the building that was burnt, it is highly probable that every
+effort was made to save the lives of the inhabitants. There is no doubt
+that the ladder was strenuously directed towards the clock tower, with the
+view, probably, of saving the "jolly cock" who used to adorn the top of
+it.
+
+The reporters mark as a miracle the extraordinary fact, that during the
+whole time of the fire, the weathercock continued to vary with the wind.
+The gentlemen of the press, probably, expected that the awful solemnity of
+the scene would have rendered any man, not entirely lost to every sense of
+feeling, completely motionless. The apathy of the weathercock that went on
+whirling about as if nothing had happened, is in the highest degree
+disgusting, and we can scarcely regret the fate of such an unfeeling
+animal.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PLEASE TO REMEMBER THE FIFTH OF NOVEMBER.
+
+November, that month of fires, fogs, _felo de ses_, and Fawkes, has been
+ushered in with becoming ceremony at the Tower and at various other parts
+of the metropolis. In vain has an Act of Parliament been passed for the
+suppression of bonfires--November asserts her rights, and will have her
+modicum of "flare up" in spite of the law; but with the trickery of an Old
+Bailey barrister she has thrown the onus upon October. Nor is this all!
+Like a traitorous Eccalobeion she has already hatched several
+conspiracies, as though everybody now thought of getting rid of others or
+themselves.
+
+The Right Hon. Spring-heel Rice Baron Jamescrow, commonly known as the
+Lord Monteagle, has, like his historical synonym, been favoured with a
+communication which being considerably beyond his own comprehension, he
+has in a laudable spirit submitted it to Punch--an evidence of wisdom
+which we really did not expect from our friend Baron Jamescrow.
+
+We subjoin the introductory epistle--
+
+    DEAR PUNCH,--I hasten to forward you the awful letter enclosed--we
+    are all abroad here concerning it--by the bye, how are you all at
+    home--to say the least, it certainly does look very ugly. Mrs. P.,
+    I hope, has improved in appearance. Something terrible is
+    evidently about to happen. I intend to pay you a visit shortly. I
+    trust we may not have to encounter any more Guys--you may expect
+    to see me on my Friday. I can only add my prayers for the nation's
+    safety and my compliments to Mrs. Punch and the young P.s.
+
+    Yours ever,
+
+    MONTEAGLE.
+
+    P.S. Let me have your advice and your last Number immediately I
+    have made a few notes, and paid the postage.
+
+The following is the letter referred to by the Baron Jamescrow:--
+
+    MY LORD,--Being known to some of your friends I would advise you,
+    as you tender your peace and quiet, to devise some excuse to shift
+    off your attendance at your house (clearly the House of
+    Lords--_Monteagle_), for fire and brimstone have united to destroy
+    the enemies of man (evidently gunpowder, lucifer-matches, and the
+    Peers--_Monteagle_). Think not lightly of my advertisement (see
+    _Dispatch_), but retire yourself in the country (I should think I
+    would--_Monteagle_), where you may abide in safety; for though
+    there be no appearance of any _punae_; (what the deuce does this
+    mean? Puny's little--_Monteagle_), yet they will receive a
+    terrible blow-up (By punae he means members of Parliament, and he
+    _is_ another Guy!--_Monteagle_); yet they shall not see who hurts
+    them, though the place shall be purified and the enemy completely
+    destroyed.
+
+    I am, your Lordship's servant,
+
+    and destroyer to her Majesty and the two Houses of Parliament.
+
+    T.I.F. Fin.
+
+We are surprised at our friend Monteagle troubling us with a matter
+evidently as plain as the nose on our own face. It requires neither a
+Solon nor a Punch to solve the enigma. It is merely a letter from Tiffin,
+the bug destroyer to her Majesty, and refers to his peculiar plan of
+persecuting the _punae_.
+
+We have no doubt that Lords and Commons will be blown up on the
+re-assembling of Parliament; and as an assurance that we do not speak upon
+conjecture only, we beg to subjoin a portrait of the delinquent.
+
+[Illustration: THE MODERN GUY VAUX.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE RIVAL CANDIDATES.
+
+Be not afraid, gentle reader, that, from the title of our present article,
+we are about to prescribe for you any political draught. No! be assured
+that we know as little about politics as pyrotechny--that we are as
+blissfully ignorant of all that relates to the science of government as
+that of gastronomy--and have ever since our boyhood preferred the solid
+consistency of gingerbread to the crisp insipidity of parliament. The
+candidates of whom we write were no would-be senators--no sprouting
+Ciceros or embryo Demosthenes'--they were no aspirants for the grand
+honour of representing the honest and independent stocks and stones of
+some ancient rotten borough, or, what is about the same thing, the
+enlightened ten-pound voters of some modern reformed one--they were not
+ambitious of the proud privilege of appending for seven years two letters
+to their names, and of franking some half-dozen others _per diem_. No! the
+rivals who form the theme of our present paper were emulous of obtaining
+no place in Parliament, but, what is far more desirable, a place in the
+affections of a lovely maid. They sought not for the suffrages of the
+unwashed, but for the smiles of a fair one,--they neither desired to be
+returned as the representative of so many sordid voters for the term of
+seven years (a term of transportation common alike to M.P.s and
+pickpockets), but for the more permanent honour of being elected as the
+partner of a certain lady for life.
+
+Georgiana Gray was the lovely object of the rivalry of the above
+candidates; and a damsel more eminently qualified to be the innocent cause
+of contention could not be found within the whole catalogue of those dear
+destructive little creatures who, from Eve downwards, have always
+possessed a peculiar patent for mischief-making. Georgiana was as handsome
+as she was rich. She was, in the superlative sense of the word, a beauty,
+and--what ought to be written in letters of gold--an heiress. She had the
+figure of a sylph, and the purse of a nabob. Her face was lovely and
+animated enough to enrapture a Raffaelle, and her fortune ample enough to
+captivate a Rothschild. She had a clear rent-roll of 20,000l. per
+annum,--and a pair of eyes that, independent of her other attractions,
+were sufficiently fascinating to seduce Diogenes himself into matrimony.
+
+Philosophers generally affirm that the only substance capable of producing
+a magnetic effect is steel; but had they been witnesses of the great
+attraction that the fortune of our fair heroine had for its many eager
+pursuers, they would doubtless have agreed with us that the metal
+possessing the greatest possible power of magnetism is decidedly--gold.
+Innumerable were the butterflies that were drawn towards the lustre of
+the lovely Georgiana's money; and many a suitor, who set a high value upon
+his personal qualifications, might be found at her side endeavouring to
+persuade its pretty possessor of the eligible investment that might be
+made of the property in himself. Report, however, had invidiously declared
+that Georgiana looked with a cold and contemptuous eye upon the addresses
+of all save two.
+
+Augustus Peacock and Julius Candy (this enviable duo) were two such young
+men as may be met with in herds any fine afternoon publishing their
+persons to the frequenters of Regent-street. They did credit to their
+tailors, who were liberal enough to give them credit in return. Their
+coats were guiltless of a wrinkle, their gloves immaculate in their
+chastity, and their boots resplendent in their brilliancy. Indeed they
+were human annuals--splendidly bound, handsomely embellished--but replete
+with nothing but fashionable frivolities. They never ventured out till
+such time as they imagined the streets were well-aired, and were never
+known to indulge in an Havannah till twelve o'clock P.M. They were
+scrupulous in their attentions to the Opera and the figurantes, and had no
+objection to wear the chains of matrimony provided the links were made of
+gold. In fine, they were of that common genus of gentlemen who lounge
+through life, and leave nothing behind them but a tombstone and a small
+six-shilling advertisement amongst the Deaths of some morning newspaper as
+a record of their having existed.
+
+Such were the persons and the qualifications of the gentlemen to whom
+report had assigned the possession of the hand and fortune of the fair
+Georgiana Gray. But, happy as they respectively felt to be thus singled
+out for the proud distinction, still the knowledge of there being a rival
+in the field to dispute the glories of the conquest materially detracted
+from that feeling. They had each heard of the pretensions of the other;
+and while the peace of the one was repeatedly disturbed by the panegyrics
+of Mr. P., the harmony of the other met with an equal violation from the
+eulogies of Mr. C.; and although their respective vanities would not allow
+them to believe that the lady in question could be so deficient in taste
+as to prefer any other person to their precious selves, still it was but
+natural that they should neither look upon the other with any other
+feeling than that of disgust at the egregious impudence, and contempt for
+the superlative conceit, that could lead any other man to enter the lists
+as an opponent to themselves. Repeatedly had Mr. P. been heard to express
+his desire to lengthen the olfactory organ of Mr. C.; while the latter had
+frequently been known to declare that nothing would confer greater
+gratification upon him than to endorse with his cane the person of Mr. P.
+In fact, they hated each other with all possible cordiality. Fortunately,
+however, circumstances had never brought them into collision.
+
+It was a lovely afternoon in May. All the world were returning to town.
+Georgiana Gray had just forsaken Harrowgate and its waters, to participate
+in the thickening gaieties of the metropolis. Augustus Peacock had
+abandoned the moors of Scotland for the beauties of Almack's; and Julius
+Candy had hastened from the banks of the Wye for the fascinations of
+Taglioni and the Opera.
+
+The first object of Augustus on returning to town was to hasten and pay
+his devoirs to _his_ intended. With this intent he proceeded to the
+mansion of Georgiana, and was ushered into the drawing-room, with the
+assurance that the lady would be with him immediately. The servant,
+however, had no sooner quitted the apartment than Mr. Candy, actuated by a
+similar motive, knocked at the door, and was speedily conducted into the
+presence of his rival.
+
+The two gentlemen, being mutually ignorant of the person of the other,
+bowed with all the formality usual to a first introduction.
+
+"Fine day, sir," said Augustus Peacock, after a short pause, little aware
+that he was holding communion with his rival.
+
+"It is--very fine, sir," returned Julius Candy with a smile, which, had he
+been conscious of the person he was addressing, would instantly have been
+converted into a most contemptuous sneer.
+
+"Have you had the pleasure of seeing Miss Gray, sir, since her return from
+Harrowgate?" inquired Augustus, with the soft civility of a man of
+fashion.
+
+"No,--I have not yet had that honour, sir; no,"--replied Julius, with a
+slight inclination of his body.
+
+"Charming girl, sir," remarked Mr. Peacock.
+
+"Fascinating creature," responded Mr. Candy.
+
+"Did you ever see _such_ eyes, sir?" continued Mr. P.
+
+"Never! 'pon my honour! never!"--exclaimed Julius, in a tone of moderate
+enthusiasm. "You may call _them_ eyes, sir," and here he elevated his own.
+
+"And what lips?"
+
+"Positively provoking!"
+
+"Ah, sir!" languishingly remarked Augustus, "he will be a happy may who
+gets possession of such a treasure!"
+
+"He will, indeed, sir," returned his unknown rival, with an air of
+self-satisfaction, as if he believed that happiness was likely to be his
+own.
+
+"You are aware, I suppose, sir," proceeded the communicative Mr. Peacock,
+"that there is a certain party whom Miss Gray looks upon with particular
+favour"--and the gentleman, to give peculiar emphasis to the remark,
+slightly elevated his cravat.
+
+"I should think I ought to be"--pointedly returned Mr. C.--simpering
+somewhat diffidently at the idea that the observation was levelled at
+himself.
+
+The two rivals looked at each other, tittered, and bowed.
+
+"Ah! yes--I dare say--observed it, no doubt!" said Augustus, when his
+emotion had subsided.
+
+"Why, yes--I should have been blind indeed could I have failed to remark
+it," responded Julius.
+
+"Ah yes--you're right--yes--Miss Gray's attentions have been particularly
+marked, certainly--yes."
+
+"They have been, sir, very, _very_ marked--she's quite taken, poor thing,
+I believe!"
+
+"Yes, poor creature!--sadly smitten indeed!--The lady has confessed as
+much to you perhaps, sir?"
+
+Mr. Candy looked surprised at the remark of his companion, and replied
+"Why really, sir, that is a question which"--
+
+"Ah, yes, I beg pardon, I was wrong--yes, I ought to have considered--but
+candidly, sir, what do you think of the match?"
+
+"'Pon my honour, my dear sir," exclaimed Julius most feelingly, colouring
+slightly at the question, which he thought was rather home-thrust.
+
+"Ah, yes, to be sure, it is rather a delicate question, considering, you
+know, that one is in the presence of the party himself, is it not?"
+
+"Very, _very_ delicate, I can assure you," said Julius, who, "laying the
+flattering unction to his soul" that he was the party alluded to, thought
+it rather an indelicate one.
+
+Augustus observed the embarrassment of his companion, and could not
+refrain from laughter, and turning round to his companion, enquired
+significantly, "whether he did not think he was a happy man?"
+
+Julius, who was in a measure similarly affected by the excitement of his
+unknown friend, observed, that the gentleman certainly did seem of a
+peculiarly gay disposition; and the two rivals, each delighted with the
+fancied approval of his suit by the other, indulged a mutual cachinnation.
+
+"I suppose," after a slight pause remarked Augustus, with apparently
+perfect indifference, "you are aware that there was a rival in the field?"
+
+"Oh! ah! did hear of a fellow," responded Julius, with equal
+_insouciance_, "but the idea of any other man carrying off the prize,
+perfectly ridiculous!"
+
+"Oh! absolutely ludicrous, 'pon my soul! Ha! ha! ha!"
+
+"It is astonishing the confounded vanity of some people!"
+
+"And their preposterous obtuseness! why, a man with half an eye might see
+the folly of such presumption."
+
+"To be sure, stupid dolt!"
+
+"Impudent puppy!"
+
+"Conceited fool!"
+
+"The fellow must be out of his senses!"
+
+"Yes, a horsewhipping perhaps might bring him to!"
+
+"Ay, or a good kicking might be salutary!"
+
+The unanimity of the rival candidates produced, as might be supposed from
+their ignorance of the pretensions of each other, a feeling of mutual
+satisfaction and friendship, which, after a volley of anathemas had been
+fired by each gentleman against his rival, in absolute unconsciousness of
+his presence, ultimately displayed itself by each of them rising from his
+chair, and shaking the other most energetically by the hand.
+
+"Really, my dear sir," exclaimed Augustus in an inordinate fit of
+enthusiasm, at the supposed sympathy of his companion, "I never met with
+a gentleman so peculiarly to my fancy as yourself."
+
+"The feeling is perfectly reciprocal, believe me, my dear sir," returned
+Julius, equally delighted with the imagined friendship of Mr. P.
+
+"I trust that our acquaintance will not end here."
+
+"I shall be most proud to cultivate it, I can assure you."
+
+"Will you allow me to present you with a card?"
+
+"I shall be too happy to exchange it for one of my own!" and so saying,
+the parties searched for their cases--Mr. P., in the mean time, protesting
+his gratification "to meet with a gentleman whose opinions so thoroughly
+coincided with his own,"--and Mr. C. as emphatically declaring "that he
+should ever consider this the most fortunate occurrence of his life."
+
+"Believe me, I shall be most happy to see you at any time," observed Mr.
+Augustus Peacock, smiling as he placed the small oblong of cardboard which
+bore his name and address in the hand of his companion.
+
+"I shall feel too proud if you will honour me with a call at your earliest
+convenience," said Mr. Julius Candy bowing, while he presented to his
+fancied friend the little pasteboard parallelogram inscribed with his
+title and residence.
+
+The eyes of the two gentlemen, however, were no sooner directed to the
+cards, which had been placed in their hands, than the smiles which had
+previously gladdened their countenances were instantaneously changed into
+expressions of the most indignant scorn and surprise.
+
+"Peacock!" shouted Candy.
+
+"Candy!" vociferated Peacock.
+
+"Sir!" exclaimed the furious Mr. P., "had I known that Candy was the name
+of the man, sir, whom I was addressing, sir, my conduct you would have
+found, sir, of a very different character!"
+
+"And had I been aware," retorted the exasperated Mr. C., "that Peacock was
+the title of the _fellow_" (and he laid a forty-horse power of emphasis
+upon the word) "with whom I have been conversing, my card would never have
+been delivered to him but with a different motive."
+
+"Fellow, sir! I think you said--_Fellow_, sir!"
+
+"I did, sir,--fellow was the word I used, and I repeat
+it--fellow--fellow!"
+
+"You do, sir! and I throw back in your teeth, sir, with the addition of
+fool, sir!"
+
+"Fool!--no, no--not quite a fool--only _near_ one, sir!"
+
+"You're a conceited puppy, sir!"
+
+"And you are an impudent scoundrel, sir!"
+
+This brought matters to a crisis. The parties embraced their canes with
+more than ordinary ardour, and, by their lowering looks, indicated a
+fervent desire to violate the peace of her blessed Majesty, when the fair
+cause of their contention suddenly entered the apartment.
+
+It was no difficult matter, in the positions they occupied, for Georgiana
+to divine the reason of their animosity; which she effectually allayed by
+informing the angry disputants, "that either had no reason to look upon
+the other with any degree of jealousy, for she humbly begged to assure
+them that her affections were devoted to--_neither_."
+
+This, of course, put a full stop to their chivalry: each party seized his
+hat, bowing distantly to the insensible Georgiana, and left the house,
+vowing certain destruction to the other; but, upon cool reflection,
+Messrs. C. and P. doubtless deemed it advisable not to endanger the small
+quantum of brains they individually possessed, by fighting for a lady who
+was so utterly blind to their manifold merits.
+
+Thus ended the feud of THE RIVAL CANDIDATES.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SIR FRANCIS BURDETT'S VISIT TO THE TOWER.
+
+On the news of the fire in the Tower of London being told to Sir Francis
+Burdett, he hurried to the scene of the conflagration, which must have
+suggested some unpleasing reminiscences of his lost popularity and faded
+glory. Some thirty years ago, those very walls received him like a second
+Hampden, the undaunted defender of his country's rights;--on last Monday
+he entered them a broken-down unhonoured parasite. Gazing on the black and
+smouldering ruins before him--he perhaps compared them to his own
+patriotism, for he was heard to matter audibly--
+
+[Illustration: CAN IT BE THAT THIS IS ALL REMAINS OF THEE?]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+REFORM YOUR LAWYERS' BILLS.
+
+It is a well-known and established fact, that nothing so far conduces to
+the domestic happiness of all circles as the golden system of living
+within one's income. Luxuries cease to be so if after-reflection produces
+vexatious results; comfort flies before an exorbitant and unprepared-for
+demand; and the debtor dunned by the merciless creditor sinks into
+something worse than a cipher, as nothingness is denied him, and the _one_
+standing before him but aggravates, and multiplies his painful annoyances.
+The great secret of satisfactory existence derives its origin from
+well-calculated and moderate expenditure. Ten thousand a year renders
+pines cheap at 1l. 11s. 6d. per pound; ten hundred is better exemplified
+by Ribston pippins!
+
+So in all grades are there various matters of taste which become
+extravagance if rushed into by persons unbreeched for the occasion.
+Luckily for the present day, the tastes of the gourmand and epicure are
+merged in more manly sports; the great class of Corinthian aristocrats
+cull sweets from the blackened eyes of policemen--raptures from
+wrenched-off knockers--merriment in contusions--and frantic delight in
+fractured limbs! These innocent amusements have in their prosecution
+plunged many of their thoughtless and high-spirited devotees into
+pecuniary difficulties, simply from their ignorance of the costs attendant
+upon such exciting, fashionable, and therefore highly proper amusements.
+
+Ever anxious to ameliorate the suffering and persecuted of ail classes,
+Messrs. Quibble and Quirk, attorneys-at-law, beg to offer their
+professional services at the following fixed and equitable rate,--they,
+Messrs. Q. and Q., pledging themselves that on no occasion shall the
+charge exceed the sum opposite the particular amusement in the following
+list.
+
+    N.B. Five per cent, per annum taken off for terms of imprisonment.
+
+    [Illustration: hand] N.B. For prompt payment only.
+
+    Messrs. Q. and Q.'s _card_ of charges for defending a
+    Nobleman, Right Honble., Baronet, Knight, Esquire., Gentleman,
+    Younger Son, Head Clerk, Junior do., Westminster Boy, Medical
+    Student, Grecian at Christ's Church, Monitor, or any other
+    miscellaneous individual aping or belonging to the aristocracy,
+    from the following prosecutions:--
+
+                                                            L  s.
+    To breaking a policeman's neck                          50  0
+    To producing witnesses to swear policeman broke same
+        himself                                             10  0
+    To choice of situation of house in street where done,
+        from roof of which policeman fell; fee to landlord'
+        for number and affidavit                            10 10
+                                                            -----
+      Total for neck, acquittal, witnesses, and perjury    L70 10
+                                                            -----
+    For do. leg, ribs, arms, head, nose, or other
+        unimportant member                                   15 0
+    For receipt written by wife of handsome provision         1 0
+    For writing and indorsing same                            5 5
+    Extras for alibis, if necessary; hire of clothes for
+        witnesses to look decent, including loss by their
+        absconding with the name                            10 10
+                                                            -----
+      Total                                                L31 15
+                                                            -----
+    For knockers by gross in populous neighbourhoods        20  0
+    For carpenter proving same never fitted their
+        respective doors there engaged                       3  3
+    All extras included                                      1  1
+                                                            -----
+      Total                                                L24  4
+
+    N.B.--Messrs. Q. and Q. beg to suggest, as the above charges are
+    low, the old iron may as well be left at their offices.
+
+    For railings, per knob or dozen, assaults on police
+        included, if not amounting to fracture               5  5
+    For suppressing police reports, or getting them put
+        in in a sporting manner, the word gentleman
+        substituted for prisoner, and "seat on the bench"
+        for "place at the bar"                              10 10
+                                                            -----
+      Total                                                L15 15
+
+    And all other legal articles in the above lines at equally low
+    charges.
+
+    Noblemen and gentlemen contracting for seven years allowed a
+    handsome discount. No connexion with any other house.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+"WHEN VULCAN FORGED," &c.
+
+"Bless my soul!" said Sir Peter Laurie, rushing into the Justice-room the
+morning the Exchequer Bill affair was discovered, and seizing Hobler by
+the button; "This is a dreadful business. Have you any idea, Hobler, who
+the delinquent is?" "Why really, Sir Peter, 'tis difficult to say; but
+from an inspection of the _forged_ instruments I should say it was
+_Smith's work_." Sir Peter felt the importance of the suggestion, and
+rushed off to Sir Robert Peel to recommend the stoppage of all the forges
+in the kingdom.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PEEL'S PRE-EXISTENCE!
+
+"Every man is not only himself," says Sir THOMAS BROWNE; "there hath been
+many Diogenes, and as many Timons, though but few of that name. _Men are
+lived over again_. The world is now as it was in ages past: there was none
+then but there hath been some one since that parallels him, and, as it
+were, _his revived self_." We are devout believers in the creed.
+
+HERR VON TEUFELSKOPF was a High German doctor, of the first class. He had
+taken his diploma of Beelzebub in the Black Forest, and was gifted with as
+fine a hand to force a card--with as glib a tongue to harangue a mob at
+wakes and fairs, as any professor since the birth of the fourth grace of
+life,--swindling. He would talk until his head smoked of his list of
+miraculous cures--of his balsams, his anodynes, his elixirs; in the
+benevolence of his soul he would, to accommodate the pockets of the poor,
+sell a pennyworth of the philosopher's stone; and, as a further
+illustration of his sympathy for suffering man or woman, give, even for a
+kreutzer, a mouthful of the Fountain of Youth. As a water-doctor, too, his
+Sagacity was inconceivable.  A hundred years ago, he told to a fraction
+the amount of the national debt, from a single glance at the specimen sent
+him by JOHN BULL; and more, for five-and-twenty years predicted who would
+be the incoming Lord Mayor of London, from an inspection of a pint of
+water presented to him every season from Aldgate-pump. He could prophesy
+all the politics of the Court of Aldermen from a phial filled at
+Fleet-ditch; and could at any time--no trifling task--tell the amount of
+corruption in the House of Commons, by taking up a handful of water at
+Westminster-bridge. On his stolen visit to England--for the honour he has
+done our country has never been generally known--he calculated to a nicety
+how many puppies and kittens were annually drowned in the Thames, and how
+many suicides--particularising the sex and dress of each sufferer--were
+committed in the same period, from a bottlefull of Thames water brought to
+him wherewith to dilute his brandy at the Ship public house, Greenwich--a
+hostelry much frequented by Doctor TEUFELSKOPF. We have seen the
+calculation very beautifully illuminated on ass's skin, and at this moment
+deposited in the college of Heligoland. It is not generally known that the
+Doctor died in this country; lustily predicting, however, that after a nap
+of a score or so of years he would return to this life in an entirely new
+character. The Doctor has kept his word. HERR VON TEUFELSKOPF, as Sir
+THOMAS BROWNE says, is "lived over again" in Sir ROBERT PEEL!
+
+It is impossible to reflect upon the enlarged humanity of Sir ROBERT--for
+though, indeed, he is no other than the old German quack revived, we will
+not refuse to him his new name--toward the sufferers of Paisley, without
+feeling that the fine spirit of finesse which made the reputation of the
+student of the Black Forest has in no way suffered from its long sleep;
+but, on the contrary, has risen very much refreshed for new practice. The
+Doctor never compassed so fine a sleight as Sir ROBERT when lately,
+playing the philanthropist, he struck his breeches' pocket with a spasm of
+benevolence, and pulled therefrom--fifty pounds! Only a few weeks before,
+Sir ROBERT had sworn by all his list of former cures, that he would clothe
+the naked and feed the hungry, if he were duly authorised and duly paid
+for such Christian-like solicitude. He is called in; he then prorogues
+Parliament to the tune of "Go to the devil and shake yourself," and sits
+down in the easy chair of salary, and tries to think! Disturbed in his
+contemplations by the groans and screams of the famishing, he addresses
+the starving multitude from the windows of Downing-street, telling them he
+can do nothing for them in a large way, but--the fee he has received to
+cure them can afford as much--graciously throwing them fifty pounds from
+his private compassion! As a statesman he is powerless; but he has no
+objection to subscribe to the Mendicity Society.
+
+It is an old hacknied abuse of NERO, that when Rome was in flame he
+accompanied the crackling of doors and rafters with his very best fiddle.
+We grant this showed a want of fine sympathy on the part of NERO; there
+was, nevertheless, a boldness, an exhibition of nerve, in such
+instrumentation. Any way, it leaves us with a higher respect for NERO than
+if he had been found playing on the burning Pantheon with a penny squirt.
+His mockery of the Romans, bad as it was, was not the mockery of
+compassion.
+
+"I will make bread cheap for you," says Sir ROBERT PEEL to the Paisley
+sufferers; "I will not enable you to buy the quartern loaf at a reduced
+rate by your own industry, but I will treat you to a penny roll, at its
+present size, from my own purse." Whereupon the Tories clap their hands
+and cry, "What magnanimity!"
+
+What should we say if, on another Pie-lane conflagration of London, the
+Minister were to issue an order commanding all the fire-offices to make no
+attempt to extinguish the flames, and were then to exclaim to the
+sufferers, "My friends, I deeply sympathize with you; but the Phoenix
+shall not budge, the Hand-in-Hand mustn't move a finger, the Eagle must
+stay where it is; nevertheless, there is a little private fire-engine of
+my own at Tamworth; you are heartily welcome to the use of it, and pray
+heaven it may put this terrible fire out, and once more make you snug and
+comfortable."
+
+Quackery is of more ancient birth than many very honest people suspect;
+nay, more than, were the register of its nativity laid before their eyes,
+they would be willing to admit. We have no space for its voluminous
+history; but it is our belief, since quackery first plied its profitable
+trade with human incredulity, it never perpetrated so successful a trick
+as that exhibited by Sir ROBERT PEEL in his motion of want of confidence.
+The first scene of the farce is only begun. We have seen how Sir ROBERT
+has snatched the cards out of the hands of the Whigs, and shall find how
+he will play the self-same trumps assorted by his opponents. A change is
+already coming over the Conservatives; they are meek and mild, and, with
+their pocket handkerchiefs at their eyes, lisp about the distresses of the
+people. "When the geese gaggle," says a rustic saw, "expect a change of
+weather." Lord LONDONDERRY has already begun to talk of an alteration of
+the Corn-laws.
+
+"Who knows what a minister may be compelled to do?" says Lord LONDONDERRY.
+These are new words for the old harridan Toryism. She was wont, like
+_Falstaff_, to blow out her cheeks and defy compulsion. But the truth is,
+Toryism has a new host to contend with. Her old reign was supported by
+fictitious credit--by seeming prosperity--and, more than all, by the
+ignorance of the people. Well, the bills drawn by Toryism (at a long date
+we grant) have now to be paid--paper is to be turned into Bank gold.
+Arithmetic is a great teacher, and, with the taxman's ink horn at his
+button-hole, gives at every door lessons that sink into the heart of the
+scholar. Public opinion, which, in the good old days "when George the
+Third was king," was little more than an abstraction--a thing talked of,
+not acknowledged--is now a tangible presence. The said public opinion is
+now formed of hundreds of thousands whose existence, save in the books of
+the Exchequer, was scarcely admitted by any reigning minister. Sir ROBERT
+PEEL has now to give in his reckoning to the hard-heads of Manchester, of
+Birmingham, of Leeds--he must pass his books with them, and tens of
+thousands of their scholars scattered throughout the kingdom; or, three
+months after the next meeting of Parliament, he is nought.
+
+At this moment, it is said, Sir ROBERT is studying what taxes he can best
+lay upon the people. We confess to the difficulty of the case. At this
+moment there is scarcely a feather so light, the addition of which will
+not crack the camel's back. No; Sir ROBERT will come to the Whig measures
+of relief, having so disguised them as, like _Plagiary's_ metaphors, to
+make them pass for his own. The object of himself and party is, however,
+attained. He has juggled himself into place. With the genius of his former
+existence, as TEUFELSKOPF, the Premier has shuffled himself into
+Downing-street; and there he will leave nothing untried that he may
+remain. "If Cato gets drunk, then is drunkenness no shame"--"If Sir ROBERT
+PEEL alter the Corn-laws, then is it proper that the Corn-laws should be
+changed." This will be the cry of the Conservatives; and we shall see men,
+who before would have vowed themselves to slow starvation before they
+would admit an ear of wheat from Poland or Egypt, vote for a sliding-scale
+or no scale at all, as their places and the strength of their party may be
+best assured.
+
+Doctor VON TEUFELSKOPF for years of his life was wont to eat fire and
+swallow a sword. We shall see how once more Sir ROBERT PEEL will eat his
+own principles--swallow his own words. When men call this apostacy, the
+Doctor will blandly smile, and denominate it a sacrifice to public
+opinion. We have no doubt that, as long as he can, the Premier will put
+off the remedy; he will try this and that; but at length public opinion
+will compel him to cast aside his own nostrums and use RUSSELL'S--_bread
+pills_!
+
+Q.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+EPIGRAMS ON A LOUD AND SILLY TALKER.
+
+  If it be true man's tongue is like a steed,
+  Which bears his mind,--why then, none wonder need,
+  That Timlin's tongue can run at such a rate,
+  Because it only carries--feather weight.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  When Timlin speaks, his voice so shrill and loud
+  Fills with amazement all the list'ning crowd;
+  But soon the wonder ceases, when 'tis found
+  That empty vessels make the greatest sound.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S PENCILLINGS.--No. XVII.
+
+[Illustration: SIR ROBERT MACAIRE
+
+ENDEAVOURING TO DO AN EXCHEQUER BILL.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE PHYSIOLOGY OF THE LONDON MEDICAL STUDENT.
+
+6.--OF THE GRINDER AND HIS CLASS.
+
+[Illustration: O]One fine morning, in the October of the third winter
+session, the student is suddenly struck by the recollection that at the
+end of the course the time will arrive for him to be thinking about
+undergoing the ordeals of the Hall and College. Making up his mind,
+therefore, to begin studying in earnest, he becomes a _pro tempore_ member
+of a temperance society, pledging himself to abstain from immoderate beer
+for six months: he also purchases a coffee-pot, a reading-candlestick, and
+Steggall's Manual; and then, contriving to accumulate five guineas to pay
+a "grinder," he routs out his old note-books from the bottom of his box,
+and commences to "read for the Hall."
+
+Aspirants to honours in law, physic, or divinity, each know the value of
+private cramming--a process by which their brains are fattened, by
+abstinence from liquids and an increase of dry food (some of it _very_
+dry), like the livers of Strasbourg geese. There are grinders in each of
+these three professional classes; but the medical teacher is the man of
+the most varied and eccentric knowledge. Not only is he intimately
+acquainted with the different branches required to be studied, but he is
+also master of all their minutiae. In accordance with the taste of the
+examiners, he learns and imparts to his class at what degree of heat water
+boils in a balloon--how the article of commerce, _Prussian blue_, is more
+easily and correctly defined as the _Ferrosesquicyanuret of the cyanide of
+potassium_--why the nitrous oxyde, or laughing gas, induces people to make
+such asses of themselves; and, especially, all sorts of individual
+inquiries, which, if continued at the present rate, will range from "Who
+discovered the use of the spleen?" to "Who killed cock robin?" for aught
+we know. They ask questions at the Hall quite as vague as these.
+
+It is twelve o'clock at noon. In a large room, ornamented by shelves of
+bottles and preparations, with varnished prints of medical plants and
+cases of articulated bones and ligaments, a number of young men are seated
+round a long table covered with baize, in the centre of whom an
+intellectual-looking man, whose well-developed forehead shows the amount
+of knowledge it can contain, is interrogating by turns each of the
+students, and endeavouring to impress the points in question on their
+memories by various diverting associations. Each of his pupils, as he
+passes his examination, furnishes him with a copy of the subjects touched
+upon; and by studying these minutely, the private teacher forms a pretty
+correct idea of the general run of the "Hall questions."
+
+"Now, Mr. Muff," says the gentleman to one of his class, handing him a
+bottle of something which appears like specimens of a chestnut colt's coat
+after he had been clipped; "what's that, sir?"
+
+"That's cow-itch, sir," replies Mr. Muff.
+
+"Cow what? You must call it at the Hall by its botanical name--_dolichos
+pruriens_. What is it used for?"
+
+"To strew in people's beds that you owe a grudge to," replies Muff;
+whereat all the class laugh, except the last comer, who takes it all for
+granted, and makes a note of the circumstance in his interleaved manual.
+
+"That answer would floor you," continues the grinder. "The _dolichos_ is
+used to destroy worms. How does it act, Mr. Jones?" going on to the next
+pupil--a man in a light cotton cravat and no shirt collar, who looks very
+like a butler out of place.
+
+"It tickles them to death, sir," answers Mr. Jones.
+
+"You would say it acts mechanically," observes the grinder. "The fine
+points stick into the worms and kill them. They say, 'Is this a dagger
+which I see before me?' and then die. Recollect the dagger, Mr. Jones,
+when you go up. Mr. Manhug, what do you consider the best sudorific, if
+you wanted to throw a person into a perspiration?"
+
+Mr. Manhug, who is the wag of the class, finishes, in rather an abrupt
+manner, a song he was humming, _sotto voce_, having some allusion to a
+peer who was known as Thomas, Lord Noddy, having passed a night at a house
+of public entertainment in the Old Bailey previous to an execution. He
+then takes a pinch of snuff, winks at the other pupils as much as to say,
+"See me tackle him, now;" and replies, "The gallery door of Covent Garden
+on Boxing-night."
+
+"Now, come, be serious for once, Mr. Manhug," continues the teacher; "what
+else is likely to answer the purpose?"
+
+"I think a run up Holborn-hill, with two Ely-place knockers on your arm,
+and three policemen on your heels, might have a good effect," answers Mr.
+Manhug.
+
+"Do you ever think you will pass the Hall, if you go on at this rate?"
+observes the teacher, in a tone of mild reproach.
+
+"Not a doubt of it, sir," returns the imperturbable Manhug. "I've passed
+it twenty times within this last month, and did not find any very great
+difficulty about it; neither do I expect to, unless they block up
+Union-street and Water-lane."
+
+The grinder gives Mr. Manhug up as a hopeless case, and goes on to the
+next. "Mr. Rapp, they will be very likely to ask you the composition of
+the _compound gamboge pill_: what is it made of?"
+
+Mr. Rapp hasn't the least idea.
+
+"Remember, then, it is composed of cambogia, aloes, ginger, and soap--C,
+A, G, S,--_cags_. Recollect Cags, Mr. Rapp. What would you do if you were
+sent for to a person poisoned by oxalic acid?"
+
+"Give him some chalk," returns Mr. Rapp.
+
+"But suppose you had not got any chalk, what would you substitute?"
+
+"Oh, anything; pipeclay and soapsuds."
+
+"Yes, that's all very right; but we will presume you could not get any
+pipeclay and soapsuds; in fact, that there was nothing in the house. What
+would you do then?"
+
+Mr. Manhug cries out from the bottom of the table--"Let him die and be
+----!"
+
+"Now, Mr. Manhug, I really must entreat of you to be more steady,"
+interrupts the professor. "You would scrape the ceiling with the
+fire-shovel, would you not? Plaster contains lime, and lime is an
+antidote. Recollect that, if you please. They like you to say you would
+scrape the ceiling, at the Hall: they think it shows a ready invention in
+emergency. Mr. Newcome, you have heard the last question and answer?"
+
+"Yes sir," says the fresh arrival, as he finishes making a note of it.
+
+"Well; you are sent for, to a man who has hung himself. What would be your
+first endeavour?"
+
+"To scrape the ceiling with the fire-shovel," mildly observes Mr. Newcome;
+whereupon the class indulges in a hearty laugh, and Mr. Newcome blushes as
+deep as the red bull's-eye of a New-road doctor's lamp.
+
+"What would _you_ do, Mr. Manhug? perhaps you can inform Mr. Newcome."
+
+"Cut him down, sir," answers the indomitable _farceur_.
+
+"Well, well," continues the teacher; "but we will presume he has been cut
+down. What would you strive to do next?"
+
+"Cut him up, sir, if the coroner would give an order for a _post mortem_
+examination."
+
+"We have had no chemistry this morning," observes one of the pupils.
+
+"Very well, Mr. Rogers; we will go on with it if you wish. How would you
+endeavour to detect the presence of gold in any body?"
+
+"By begging the loan of a sovereign, sir," interrupts Mr. Manhug.
+
+"If he knew you as well as I do, Manhug," observes Mr. Jones, "he'd be
+sure to lend it--oh, yes!--I should rayther think so, certainly,"
+whereupon Mr. Jones compresses his nostril with the thumb of his right
+hand, and moves his fingers as if he was performing a concerto on an
+imaginary one handed flageolet.
+
+"Mr. Rapp, what is the difference between an element and a compound body?"
+
+Mr. Rapp is again obliged to confess his ignorance.
+
+"A compound body is composed of two or more elements," says the grinder,
+"in various proportions. Give me an example, Mr. Jones."
+
+"Half-and-half is a compound body, composed of the two elements, ale and
+porter, the proportion of the porter increasing in an inverse ratio to the
+respectability of the public-house you get it from," replies Mr. Jones.
+
+The professor smiles, and taking up a Pharmacopoeia, says, "I see here
+directions for evaporating certain liquids 'in a water-bath.' Mr. Newcome,
+what is the most familiar instance of a water-bath you are acquainted
+with?"
+
+"In High Holborn, sir; between Little Queen-street and Drury-lane,"
+returns Mr. Newcome.
+
+"A water-bath means a vessel placed in boiling-water. Mr. Newcome, to keep
+it at a certain temperature. If you are asked at the Hall for the most
+familiar instance, they like you to say a carpenter's glue-pot."
+
+And in like manner the grinding-class proceeds.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE LORD MAYORS AND THE QUEEN.
+
+_By the Correspondent of the Observer._
+
+The interesting condition of Her Majesty is a source of the most agonising
+suspense to the Lord Mayors of London and Dublin, who, if a Prince of
+Wales is not born before their period of office expires, will lose the
+chance of being created baronets.
+
+According to rumour, the baby--we beg pardon, the scion of the house of
+Brunswick--was to have been born--we must apologise again; we should say
+was to have been added to the illustrious stock of the reigning family of
+Great Britain--some day last month, and of course the present Lord Mayors
+had comfortably made up their minds that they should be entitled to the
+dignity it is customary to confer on such occasions as that which the
+nation now ardently anticipates. But here we are at the beginning of
+November, and no Prince of Wales. We have reason to know that the Lord
+Mayor of London has not slept a wink since Saturday, and his lady has not
+smiled, according to an authority on which we are accustomed to rely,
+since Thursday fortnight. Some say it is done on purpose, because the
+present official is a Tory; and others insinuate that the Prince of Wales
+is postponed in order that there may be an opportunity of making Daniel
+O'Connell a baronet. Others suggest that there will be twins presented to
+the nation! one on the night of the 8th of November, the other on the
+morning of the 9th, so as to conciliate both parties; but we are not
+disposed at present to pronounce a decided opinion on this part of the
+question. We know that politics have been carried most indelicately into
+the very heart of the Royal Household; but we hope, for the honour of all
+parties, that the confinement of the Queen is not to be made a matter of
+political arrangement. If it is, we can only say that it will be most
+indecent, we might almost venture to say unbecoming; but our dislike to
+the use of strong language is well known, or at least it ought to be.
+
+If there are any other particulars, we shall give them in a second
+edition; that is to say, if we should have anything to add, and should
+think it worth while to publish another impression for the purpose of
+stating it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SONGS FOR THE SENTIMENTAL.--No. 10.
+
+  You talk of love--I would believe
+    Thy words were truth;
+  Nor deem that thou wouldst e'er deceive
+    My artless youth:
+      But when we part,
+      Within my heart
+  A small voice whispers low--
+      Beware! Beware!
+      Fond girl, the snare!
+  it's all no go!
+
+  You talk of love--yet would betray
+    The heart you seek,
+  And smile upon its slow decay,
+    If 'twould not break.
+      In vain you swear
+      That I am fair,
+  That heaven is on my lip!
+      I know each vow
+      Is worthless now;
+  [Illustration: YOU'VE MISS'D YOUR TIP.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE TWO NEW EQUITY JUDGES.
+
+"Between the two new Equity Courts, the suitors in Chancery will be much
+better off than formerly"--said Fitzroy Kelly, lately, to an intimate.
+"Undoubtedly," replied the friend, "they may now choose between the
+frying-pan and the fire."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+MR. PUNCH,
+
+ARTIST IN PHILOSOPHY AND FIREWORKS[1],
+
+    [1] Baylis.
+
+BEGS TO INFORM THE
+
+HOBBEDEHOYITY AND INFANTRY OF THE METROPOLIS
+
+AND THE WORLD IN GENERAL,
+
+That, for the proper commemoration of the anniversary of the 5th of
+November, he _had_ engaged the services of the following
+
+EMINENT THAMESIAN INCENDIARIES.
+
+SIR PETER LAURIE, to furnish materials for _squibs_.
+
+MR. ROEBUCK, for _flower-pots_, containing the beautiful figure of a
+_genealogical tree_.
+
+COLONEL SIBTHORP, for sky-rockets being constructed after his _own plan_;
+warranted to flare up at starting, and to come down--_a stick_.
+
+DANIEL O'CONNELL, Esq., for the importation of Roman candles,
+
+MR. WAKLEY, SIR JAMES GRAHAM, LORD STANLEY, and SIR FRANCIS BURDETT, for
+Catherine-wheels, which are guaranteed to _turn round_ with great
+celerity, and to exhibit _curious designs_.
+
+LORD MINTO, for _Chinese fire_, prepared from the recipes of his gallant
+relative, the Honourable Captain Elliot, which have been procured at an
+immense outlay.--(See next year's "Budget.")
+
+The MARQUIS OF WATERFORD, the celebrated Purveyor to the Police Force in
+general, for the supply of _crackers_.
+
+MR. CHARLES PEARSON, for _port_-fires.
+
+SIR ROBERT PEEL, assisted by his CABINET, for a _golden rain_.
+
+*** A large supply of these articles always on hand. Apply at Mr. P.'s
+Office every Saturday.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+AN EXTRACT FROM THE SPECTATOR.
+
+Carter, the lion-tamer, previous to his late exhibition, when the tiger
+broke loose, had given an order to an old acquaintance to come and witness
+his performance; by great good luck, he and the rest of the affrighted
+spectators effected their escape; but he was heard vehemently declaring he
+had been deceived in the most beastly manner, as he would not have come
+but that he supposed he was
+
+[Illustration: LOOKING IN UPON A FRIEND.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SHIP NEWS.
+
+Off Battersea Mills, in the reeds, _La Gitana_ (wherry Z.9), Execution
+Dock, with loss of sculls; deserted. On nearing her, discovered the Master
+with his wooden leg in the mud, to which he had made fast the head-line,
+with his left leg over his right shoulder, high and dry.
+
+A boat, supposed to belong to the Union Aquatic Sons of Shop Walkers, was
+washed ashore on Hungerford Muds, with an old ribbon-box, apparently used
+for a sea-chest, containing wearing apparel, 1s. 8d. in fourpenny pieces,
+and sundry small pieces of paper, with "Dry," sign of the "Three Balls,"
+printed thereon, and endorsed, "Shawl, 3s. 6d., 30 remnants of ribbon 7s.
+6d., waistcoat satin, 1 yard 3s. 6d.," &c. &c. The crew supposed to have
+abandoned her off the "Swan," where they were seen in a state of beer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+CAUSE AND EFFECT.
+
+A great _fall_ of chalk occurred at Mertsham on the Brighton Railway on
+last Thursday morning; a corresponding _fall_ in milk took place in London
+on the following day.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SHOULD THIS MEET THE EYE--
+
+[Illustration]
+
+of Sir ROBERT PEEL, LORD STANLEY, or any of Her Majesty's Ministers, in
+want of an active cad, or light porter; the advertiser, a young man at
+present out of place, would be anxious to make himself generally useful,
+and is not particular in what capacity. Respectability not so great an
+object as a good salary. Application to be made to T. WAKLEY, at the Rad's
+Arms, _Turn'em Green_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+HARD AND FAST.
+
+That very slow coach, and would be "faster," the licensed
+to-carry-no-thing-inside "Bernard Cavannah," has been recently confined in
+a room, wherein he has lived upon the "cameleon's dish," eating the
+air--"jugged," we presume. Wakley declares he is an impostor; but as he
+has an interest in an inquest, and Bernard survives, this may be
+attributed to professional disappointment. Dr. Elliotson declares, from
+his own experience, any man can live upon nothing. The whole medical
+profession are getting to very high words; Anglice,--indulging in very low
+language. The fraternity of physicians, apothecaries, and surgeons, are
+growing so warm upon the living subject, that we may shortly expect to
+witness a beautiful tableau vivant of
+
+[Illustration: SURGERE IN ARMIS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+PUNCH'S THEATRE.
+
+MISS ADELAIDE KEMBLE.
+
+Let every amateur, professor, and enthusiastic raver concerning "native
+talent" go down on his knees, and, after the manner of the ancient
+heathen, return thanksgiving unto Apollo for having at last sent us a
+singer who knows her business! One who can sing as if she had a soul; who
+can act as if she were not acting, but existing amidst reality; who is, in
+short, a performer entirely new to the British stage; to whom we have not
+a parallel example to produce,--a heroine of the lyric drama.
+
+Such, in the most exalted sense of the term, is Miss Adelaide Kemble.
+Unlike nearly every other English singer, she has not set up with the
+small stock-in-trade of a good voice, and learned singing on the stage;
+making the public pay for her tuition. On the contrary, nature has
+manifestly not been bountiful to her in this respect. Her voice--the mere
+organ--may have been in her earlier years exceeded in quality by many
+other vocalists. But what is it now? Perfect in intonation; its lower
+tones forcible; the middle voice firm and full; the upper interval sweet
+and rich beyond comparison.
+
+But how comes this?  How has this moderately-good organ been brought to
+such perfection? By a process not very prevalent amongst English
+singers--practice the most constant, study the most unwearied. Punch will
+bet a wager with any sporting dilettante that Miss Kemble has sung _more_
+while learning her art, than many old stagers while professing and
+practising it.
+
+She seems, then,--as far as one may judge of that kind of perfection--a
+perfect mistress of her voice; she can do what she likes with it, she can
+sustain a note in any part of the soprano compass--swell, diminish, and
+keep it exactly to the same pitch for an incredible space of time. She can
+burst forth a torrent of sound expressive of our strongest passions,
+without losing an atom of tone, and she can diminish it to a whisper, in
+_sotto voce_, as distinct as it is thrilling and true intonation.
+
+Having obtained this vocal mastery, she has unfettered energies to devote
+to her acting; which, in _Norma_, has all the elements of tragic
+dignity--all the tenderness of natural feeling. In one word, Miss Kemble
+is a mistress of every branch of her art; and we can now say, what we have
+so seldom had an opportunity to boast of, that our English stage possesses
+a singer who is also an actress and musician!
+
+The opera is excellently put upon the stage. Miss Kemble, or somebody
+else, electrified the choruses; for, wonderful to relate, they
+condescended to act--to perform--to pretend to be what they are meant for!
+Never was so efficient, so well-disciplined, so unanimous a chorus heard
+or seen before on the English stage. The chorus-master deserves
+everybody's, and has our own, especial commendations.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NINA SFORZA.
+
+A new melo-drama in five acts, by a gentleman who rejoices in exactly the
+same number of titles--namely, "R. Zouch S. Troughton, Esquire"--made its
+appearance for Miss H. Fancit's benefit on Monday last, at the Haymarket.
+
+The old-fashioned recipe for cooking up a melo-dramatic hero has been
+strictly followed in "Nina Sforza." _Raphael Doria_, the heir-apparent to
+the dukedom of Genoa, is a man about town in Venice--is accompanied, on
+most occasions, by a faithful friend and a false one--saves the heroine
+from drowning, and, of course, falls in love with her on the spot, or
+rather on the water. She, of course, returns the passion; but is, as
+usual, loved by the villain--a regular thorough-paced Mephistopheles of
+the Surrey or Sadler's Wells genus. These ingredients, having been
+carefully compounded in the first act, are--quite _selon les
+regles_--allowed to simmer till the end of the fourth, and to boil over in
+the fifth. Thus we have a tragedy after the manner of those lively
+productions that flourished in the time of Garrick; when Young, Murphy,
+and Francklin were Melpomene's head-cooks.
+
+Modern innovation has, however, added a sprinkle of spice to the hashes of
+the above-named school. This is most commonly thrown in, by giving to the
+stock-villain a dash of humour or sarcasm, so as to bring out his savagery
+in bolder relief. He is also invested with an unaccountable influence over
+the hero, who can on no account be made to see his bare and open treachery
+till about the middle of the fifth act, when the dupe's eyes must be
+opened in time for the catastrophe.
+
+These improvements have been carefully introduced into the present old new
+tragedy. _Ugone Spinola_ is the presiding genius of _Doria's_ woes: and
+dogs him about for the pleasure of making him miserable. He is a finished
+epicure in revenge; picking little tit-bits of it with the most savage
+_gout_ all through; but particularly towards the end of the play. This
+taste was, it seems, first acquired in consequence of a feud that formerly
+existed between _Doria's_ family and his own, in which his side came off
+so decidedly second-best, that he only remains of his race; all the rest
+having been murdered by _Doria_ and his father's faction. From such deadly
+foes, it may be observed, that tragic heroes always select their most
+trusted friends.
+
+_Doria's_ father dies, and _Nina's_ consents to his marriage; so that we
+see them, at the opening of the third act, the picture of connubial bliss,
+in a garden belonging to the Duke's palace at Genoa, exchanging sentiments
+which would be doubtless extremely tender if they were quite intelligible.
+A great deal is said about genius being like love; which gives rise to a
+simile touching a rose-bud in a poor poet's window, and other
+incoherencies quite natural for persons to utter who are supposed to be in
+love. This peaceful scene is interrupted by an alarm of war; and the
+Prince goes to fight the Florentines.
+
+The battle takes place between the acts; and we next see the Genoese
+halting near their city after a victory. _Doria_, who in the first act has
+been represented to us as an exceedingly gay young fellow, is here
+described as indulging, in his tent, his old propensities; having brought
+away, with other trophies, a fair Florentine, who is diverting him with
+her guitar at that moment. This is excellent news for _Spinola_; the more
+so as we are soon made to understand that _Nina_, being impatient of her
+husband's return, has fled to his tent to meet him, and discovers the fair
+Florentine in the very act of guitar-playing, and her spouse in the midst
+of his raptures thereat.
+
+A scene follows, in which _Spinola_, as a new edition of Iago, and _Nina_,
+in the form of a female Othello, get scope for a great variety of that
+kind of acting which performers call "effective." The wife--in this scene
+really well-drawn--will not believe Doria's falsehood, in spite of strong
+circumstantial evidence. _Spinola_ offers to strengthen it; and the last
+scene of this act--the fourth--presents a highly melo-dramatic situation.
+It is a street scene; and _Spinola_ has brought _Nina_ to watch her
+husband into her rival's house. She sees him approach it--he wavers--she
+hopes he will pass the door. Alas, he does not, and actually goes in! Of
+course she swoons and falls. So does the act drop.
+
+The entire business of the last act is to bring about the catastrophe;
+and, as not one step towards it has been previously taken, there is no
+time to lose. _Spinola_, therefore, is made not to mince the matter, but
+to come boldly on at once, with a bottle of poison! This he blandly
+insinuates to _Nina_ might be used with great effect upon her husband, so
+as effectually to put a stop to future intrigues with any forthcoming fair
+Florentines. She, however, declines putting the poison to any such use;
+but, nevertheless, honours _Spinola_'s draught, by accepting it. The
+villain expresses himself extremely grateful for her condescension, and
+exits, to make way for _Doria_.
+
+Directly he appears, you at once perceive that he has done something
+exceedingly naughty, for his countenance is covered with remorse and a
+certain white powder which is the stage specific for pallor. The lady
+complains of being unwell, and her husband kindly advises her to go to
+bed. She replies, that she has a cordial within which will soon restore
+her, and entreats her beloved lord to administer the potion with his own
+dear hand; he consents--and they both retire, and the audience shudders,
+because they pretty well guess that she is going to toss off the dose, of
+which _Spinola_ has been the dispensing chemist.
+
+And here we may be forgiven for a short digression on the subject of the
+dramatic _Materia Medica_, and _poison-ology_. The sleeping draughts of
+the stage are, for example, generally speaking, uncommon specimens of
+chemical perfection. When taken--even if the patient be ever so well
+shaken--nothing on earth, or on the stage, can wake him after the cue for
+his going to sleep, and before the cue for his getting up, have been
+given; while it never allows him to dose an instant longer than the plot
+of the piece requires. Then as to poisons; there are some which kill the
+taker dead on the spot, like a fly in a bottle of prussic acid; others,
+which--swallowed with a sort of time-bargain--are warranted to do the
+business within a few seconds of so many hours hence; others again there
+are (particularly adapted for villains) that cause the most incessant
+torment, which nothing can relieve but death; a fourth compound (always
+administered to such characters as _Nina Sforza_) are peculiarly mild in
+their operation--no stomach-ache--no contortions--but still effectual.
+
+The contents of the phial given to _Nina_ by _Spinola_ are compounded of
+the second and fourth of these _formulae_. The drink, though deadly, is
+guaranteed to be a mild, rather-pleasant-than-otherwise poison, warranted
+to operate at a given hour; one calculated to allow the heroine plenty of
+time to die, and to make her go off in great physical comfort.
+
+_Nina_ has taken the poison; but, having a peculiar desire to die at home,
+orders a "trusty page" to provide horses for herself and attendant
+secretly, at the northern gate, that she may return to her native Venice.
+With this determination we lose sight of her.
+
+_Doria_ is aroused by a hunting-party who have risen so early that they
+seem to have forgotten to take off their nightcaps, to which the Italian
+hood, as worn by the Haymarket hunters, bears an obstinate resemblance.
+The Prince discovers his wife has fled, and orders his _chasseurs_ to
+divert their attention from the game they had purposed to ride to cover
+for, and to hunt up the missing _Nina_.
+
+"In the deep recesses of a wood" _Spinola_ and _Doria_ meet, the latter
+having, by some instinct, found out his _pseudo_-friend's treachery; of
+course they fight: _Doria_ falls; but _Spinola_ is too great a glutton in
+revenge to kill him till he knows of his wife's death, so, after gloating
+over his prostrate enemy, and poking him about with his rapier for several
+minutes, all he does is to steal his sword; this being found upon him by
+some of the hunters, who meet him quite by accident, they suppose he has
+killed _Doria_, and so kill him. Thus, _Spinola_ being disposed of, there
+are only two more that are left to die.
+
+In her flight _Nina_ has been taken unwell--with the poison--just in that
+part of the forest where her spouse is left, by his enemy, in a swoon.
+They meet, and she dies in his arms. Two being now defunct, only one
+remains; but there is some difficulty in getting rid of _Doria_, for he is
+(as is always the case when a stage _felo-de-se_ impends) unprovided with
+a weapon. Going up to his trusty friend _D'Estala_, he engages him in
+talk, and, with the dexterity of a footpad, steals his dagger, and stabs
+himself. All the principal characters being now dead, the piece cannot go
+on, and the curtain drops.
+
+A word or two on the merits of _Nina Sforza_. There are two classes of
+dramatists who are just now contending for fame--those who cannot get
+their plays acted because they are not dramatic, and those who can,
+because their pieces are _merely_ dramatic. Mr.--we beg pardon, R. Zouch
+S. Troughton, Esquire,--belongs to the latter class. He is evidently well
+acquainted with the mechanics of the stage; he knows all about
+"situation"--that is, sacrificing nature to startling effect. His language
+is essentially dramatic, and only fails where it aims at being poetical.
+His characters, too, are not drawn from life, from nature, but are
+copied--and cleverly copied--from other characters that strut about in the
+"stock" tragedies of Rowe _et hoc genus_. The fable, or plot, is
+deficient, from the absence of one sustaining, pervading incident to
+excite, and keep up a progressive interest. With every new act a new
+circumstance arises, which, though it is in some instances (especially in
+the fourth act) conducted with great skill, yet the interest it produces
+is not sustained, being made to give place to the author's succeeding
+effort to get up a new "situation" by a new incident. Though the tragedy
+possesses little originality, it will, from its melo-dramatic and exciting
+character, be most likely a very successful one. Besides, it is very well
+acted, by Miss Faucit, Wallack, and Macready, as _Spinola_; which, being a
+most unnatural character, is well calculated for so conventional an actor
+as Macready.
+
+The author will doubtless become a successful dramatist, because he has
+taken the trouble to learn what is proper for, and effective on, the
+stage. Having gained that acquirement, if he will now study nature, and
+put men and women upon the stage that act and speak like real mortals, we
+may safely predict an honourable dramatic career for Mr. ----; but our
+space is limited, and we can't afford enough of it to print his names a
+third time.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE QUADROON SLAVE.
+
+A new discussion of the Slave question seems to have been much wanted on
+the stage. It is, alas, the black truth that "The Slave" _par excellence_,
+in spite of the brothers _Sharpset_ and Bishop's music, ceases to
+interest. The woes of "Gambia" have been turned into ridicule by the
+capers of "Jim Crow," and the twin pleasantries of "Jim along Josey."
+Since the moral British public gave away twenty millions to emancipate the
+black population, and to raise the price of brown sugars, they are not
+nearly so sweet upon the niggers as formerly; for they discover that, now
+Caesar being "massa-pated, him no work--dam if he do!"
+
+To meet this dramatic exigency, the "Quadroon Slave" has been produced. It
+may be classed as an argumentative drama; carried on with that stage logic
+which always makes the heroine get the best of it. The emancipation side
+of the question is supported by _Julie_, ably backed by _Vincent St.
+George_, but opposed by _Alfred Pelham_; and the lingual combatants rush
+_in medias res_ at the very rising of the curtain--the "house,"
+immediately taking sides, vehemently applauding the arguments of their
+respective favourites. _Vincent St. George_--ably entrusted to that
+interesting advocate Mr. J. Webster--opened the discussion by protesting
+against the flogging system, especially as applied to females. _Alfred
+Pelham_ answered him; the reply being taken up by the heroine _Julie_ in
+broken French, because she is personated by Madlle. Celeste. The state of
+parties as here developed turns out to be curious. The heroine, a
+quadroon, is on the point of matrimonial union with her antagonist, and
+openly resents the tender advances of her ally. "Call ye this backing of
+your friends?" _Vincent St. George_, disgusted at such gross
+tergiversation, flies entirely away from the point at issue, and applies
+those remarks to _Julie_ which all disappointed lovers seem to be bound to
+utter in such cases. Indeed, on the re-appearance of his rival, he
+challenges him--unblushingly forsaking every branch of the main point, by
+engaging in a long and not very lively discourse on the subject of
+duelling; amidst, however, impatient cries of "question!" "question!" from
+the audience.
+
+This brings _Vincent_ back to the point, and with a vengeance! Like a
+great many other orators on the liberal side of the black question, he is
+a slave-owner himself, having--as his "attorney" _Vipper_ is careful to
+tell us--no fewer than two hundred and eight of those animals. Now, before
+he took upon himself to become an emancipationist, he might--one cannot
+help thinking--have had the decency--_like Saint Fowell Buxton_--to _sell_
+his slaves to somebody else, and to come into court with clean hands. But
+so far from doing so, _Vipper_ having discovered that _Julie_ is a
+run-away slave from _Vincent's_ estate, just as she is ending the first
+act by going to be married, the latter takes the whole of the second act
+to claim her!
+
+Though the argufiers change sides on account of the change of
+affairs--_Vincent_ insisting, as _liberals_ so often do, upon his vested
+rights in _Julie_ as opposed to _Pelham's_ matrimonial ones--though the
+heroine renders her pathetics affecting by a prostration or two before the
+rivals--though she rushes upon a parapet to commit suicide--though she is
+saved, and at length succeeds by force of mere argument to get her
+new-found master to give her up to her husband; yet this second act was
+somewhat dull; insomuch that the audience did not seem to regret when the
+curtain dropped the subject, and announced their own emancipation from the
+theatre.
+
+Besides the parts we have named, Webster the elder played a _Telemachus
+Hearty_, who, further than skipping about the stage, talking very fast,
+and making himself not altogether disagreeable, had no more to do with the
+piece than his namesake, or Fenelon Archbishop of Cambray himself.
+
+This attempt to discuss moot points upon the stage--to turn as it were the
+theatre into a debating society--will certainly not succeed.
+Audiences--especially Haymarket ones--have a taste for being amused rather
+than reasoned with; besides, those on that side of the question which the
+author chooses shall be the weaker, do not like to see the stage-orators
+get the upper hand, without having a chance of answering them. Even
+dancing is preferred by them to didactics, though it be
+
+[Illustration: A PAS SEUL TO A BARK-AROLE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+1, November 6, 1841,, by Various
+
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